# the world i (made?)



## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

Hi everyone, 1st post here woo hoo!

I'm writing this story of my separation - to help me organize my thoughts and understand my feelings, deal with these emotions and learn to stop hurting. I would ideally like this S(eparation) to end in R(econciliation), and lately I've been realizing that has to be the last thing on my mind or it'll never happen.


I figure I may as well start at the beginning... We met online Fall 2008 and fell head over heels for each other. We'd finally found 'the one' and it was amazing. Within 2 months we were living together. After 5 months, we learned we were going to be parents to twins!

A few months into the pregnancy I started being very overwhelmed by the stress and anxiety, working long hours, trying to support her around the house. I started drinking regularly, and not realizing it, my mood and manners changed - I started becoming distant, irritable, neglectful, and verbally abusive (not yelling, much worse - put-downs, mean comments re weight, etc). This was the exception not the rule, and while things weren't great we did make it to the birth.

What an amazing time in our lives that was, the birth and ~3 months following. Holding a new life that you brought into this world, it changes you. Through this I was the most happy, loving, helpful, supportive man. I didn't have time for drink, I was being spiritually enriched at church again, things were great.

This petered off and things were good/normal (no abuse), for another ~3 months. Then, a bomb dropped on us - she has cancer and it needs treated now.

(Back story - A few years before this I almost lost my father to cancer and it was the most devastating experience of my life. Now I had to go thru this with the woman I was certain was my one. The anger, fear, sadness - everything - I was overwhelmed and so numb, so in shock - words cannot describe the terrible terror that circled my waking and sleeping mind, I believe it drove me insane. Immediately before that, I lost a best friend, only friend, more like a brother, to unknown causes, to this day I still have trouble with that grief..)

The following 9 months of cancer treatment, full time work, support from various family in and out of the house caring for kids and giving rides, it was a total blur. Anger and denial and escape were the name of my game, I did almost as much to be gone as I did to be there. I was so angry at the cancer and scared of losing her that I was already separating and preparing for the worst, distancing myself emotionally for when it happened. I was there for her and tried to put on a good face but she could tell I was partially gone. I used evening drunkenness to escape the insanity of it, plus a hobby taking 4-8-12 hours/week. The verbal and emotional abuse started back up with comments about her weight, hair loss, my emotional distance and fear of intimacy with someone I was terrified I'd lose. The situation was horrible, I was horrible, I withdrew from spiritual endeavors (how dare God do this to me), drank heavily, you name it.

Not long after getting the all clear from the doc when the kids were just over 1, she was still in a weak and bad shape, one day while I was at work she had all her friends and family load a u-haul with her&kids belongings from the family home and leave, a cryptic note and no forwarding address.

I was devastated. I didn't see this coming at all. I explored how I had been abusive. For me at least it isn't a conscious decision to be mean to the person I hold most dear in this world. I don't see it for what it is until it's too late. This sickens me! In my childhood I learned mild physical and extreme verbal/phychological abuse and controlling from my father directed at my mother, and moderate verbal/emotional abuse from my mother directed at my father, and my mothers tolerance of the abuse as a sign its acceptable. Growing up in this as the 'normal' has put me at a significant disadvantage in my own personal relationships.

In the weeks following our October separation, I went thru anger, remorse, fear, guilt, acceptance, and on to fixing it. I found a program of alcohol recovery and embraced it, made it part of my daily life. I reconnected with my church and my spiritual side and went from a sunday seat warmer to not a bible thumper but a reborn forgiven confident man with an endless supply of love in my heart.

I found my wife two weeks into this separation and began doing the last thing she expected - showering her with pure love in the form of finances, family/child support, housework, emotional availability, long talks, strong spirituality, and leadership. I gave her everything she had been craving for so long, I repented of my past actions and misactions, I showed her a daily regiment that was making me so happy, happy enough to share joy and love with her. She started to forgive and started letting me back into her life. Our amazing physical relationship, the fire that ignited our intimacy was still on ice. As I studied my spiritual path (our shared belief in Jesus as the living God), I found the answer. We prayed together, and I did something for the first time - I thanked God for my WIFE, for the woman he had put me with, for putting his hand in our MARRIAGE before we even knew to call it that. Then and there, on a couch in her apartment, I voiced my entrance into the Covenant of Marriage with my Wife, and an amazing thing happened. She did the same! In one months time we went from gotta-end-this-and-not-look-back to we're-married-in-something-much-stronger-than-paper-and-ink.

We moved forward together from that day, closer than we had ever been and more filled with a giving love than ever before. God it felt great to not only be reunited, but strengthened beyond belief from the experience! My daily spiritual journey, my sobriety, living under the same roof, sharing goals and dreams and daily chores, supporting each other and healing together - I have truly never been happier in my life, ever.

In short order we went ring shopping, told our parents friends and family, set a date, and continued to live in peace and love. We moved back into our family house, began wedding planning and working on college, building a future together, and loving deeply - even without the paper, we were more married than ??% of the couples out there.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whew, that brings us from late 2008 H23W19), into early 2011. 
The really sad part comes next but I'm out of juice tonight. 
It sure feels good to put some of this down on 'paper'...
TTFN! ~Indica


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

*Reconciliation, to Marriage, to Separation*

After reconciling and IC/MC and spiritual healing in late 2010, we had much success with Her needs/His needs and similar books and put 110% into making each other happy and things were awesome for both. We announced our engagement for middle 2011, moved in together, worked on ourselves and us and kids every day, we dated, we took a dance lesson, planned our future, wedding, honeymoon, etc.

The main issues that had led her to separate from me to begin with - the verbal abuse, withdrawing from her/the relationship, not showing her the love/respect, being selfish/not helping around the house - I had found a way to put this behind me, and was rewarded with the intimacy/reciprocation I so desired.

We learned she had another severe health issue likely caused by the poisons they used to cure her cancer - she had developed fibromyalgia, a life-long weakness and severe pain throughout her body. I was able to be very supportive thru this and do the things I didn't during the cancer-treatment. We found a link between the pain and gluten (wheat), and cut it out of our diets. Things would be OK and we'd deal with this for as long as it took (life).

Fast forward to about one month before the wedding - I was visiting with an old friend from out of town, we were out playing pool, and I did something I hadn't done in nearly two years: I drank.

[To provide some back-history my father is a dry alcoholic, and his father before him died of the stuff. I had already had some severe problems with alcohol, in fact most of the two years of not drinking had been court ordered. I hadn't been drinking all that time, but I never fully addressed the mental and emotional damage it caused. I didn't understand that the spiritual gift I'd received in a new way of living and the selfless compassion I was now able to express to my wife was reliant on not only not drinking but actively working on recovery thru a spiritual program every day. In short I took it for granted, didn't invest enough energy into myself and this one drink I believe was like lighting the fuse to the powder keg that blew my mind right back into the hole I had just clawed out of.]

The fact that I managed only one or two that night without consequences let me talk myself into believing I was 'healed' of the alcoholism - that I could live with moderation. I swore off the hard stuff and said I'd only drink a few beers or a few wines and only occassionally. So I allowed myself to start having one or two, one to three times a week. This seemed perfectly safe and normal... 

That lasted exactly two weeks, until my wife and kids left to go to her moms to arrange the wedding we'd have there two weeks later. In the boredom and loneliness I started drinking every evening, still beer or wine, but definately in excess. My bachelor party consisted of my brother and I playing video games and drinking until we passed out.

The wedding was absolutely amazing, everyone got along great and had a great time. Before we knew it we were off on our honeymoon, a week with each other having the best most intimate time of our young lives. In this happiest of moments I shocked myself - while drinking I made some unintentional rude careless comment, and for the first time in our young marriage I made my wife cry with my hurtful words. I apologized and cleared things up, and we continued to have a great time for the rest of the 'moon'. Before we knew it it was time to return to work, school, kids, regular life.

Coming back we entered into our old routines and roles, things were still pretty good and the love was still strong, but my spirituality was waning, I was working a lot of hours and tired all the time, stressed, and I'd take a glass or two, a little buzz most evenings.

A week and a month later, a bomb dropped. The job that I'd been at for 4 years, built a life and bought a house and defined myself by, out of the blue decided to 'go in a different direction' and fired me.

We affirmed to each other that we'd make it thru this, that things would be OK. I ended up spending 8 months looking for work, at first locally, then statewide, then surrounding states.

[Growing up alone in a homeschool environment I lack some emotional skills that normal people have.] I dealt with the job loss with grace externally, but inside it was eating me alive. My wife didn't work (in school, plus she has health issues), although she got some income due to her schooling status, about 1/2 a mortgate payment worth - not a lot but without it we would have sank. I didn't realize how much I defined myself by my job, and how much I defined my worth by my ability to provide financially for the family. The only way I knew to stop that pain was with drink, and I did. I kept putting on a happy and loving face, hoping nobody would notice I was slowly dying inside. I was still praying then, but not for the right things. I didn't even know it, but I was only praying for selfish things.

Early 2012 God opened a door for me and my family in a city 150mi away from my parents who had been supporting us, watching the kids, etc, and 300mi away from her mom. Wife and I agreed it would be best for her to stay and finish her semester while I went and began work and settling into our new home. Work I did, but settle I did not. I still have no friends here, and no church I call home. The drink that I had almost every night, that I had told myself was because of the job loss - it was now to help me sleep, and to not feel the separation from my wife and family.

Only a month in, the consequences caught up with me. Fully lit, I got on my bicycle, crashed, and broke my leg.

A deeper state of pain, regret, helplessness, insecurity, fear and anger I had never known. I swore off the drink that had led me here. Being incapable of dealing with these emotions in a healthy way, I kept destroying them and hoping one day they would not return.

The enormous outpouring of love onto me from my wife, my family, what few friends I had left, and my acquantances at work, it felt good. My leg healed slowly, but I didn't understand that my leg wasn't the only thing needing healing.

Not two months into sobriety and physical healing, I once again convinced myself to turn to drink. I was amazed at how well it helped with the pain (both physical and emotional), especially when combined with prescriptions! Finally I had control over my emotions, and I ruthlessly turned them off.

Wife and my once deep discussions turned to mere skin deep matters regarding food and the weather. Our intimacy and physical relationship became nil. With my emotions gone and the relationship being emotionally, spiritually, and physically one sided, it seemed like every interaction was a negative one. I couldn't comprehend why it seemed all she did was demand and nag, and I withdrew further into myself. 

She so gently tried to steer me back towards sanity with her love. She tried giving even more of herself; she tried counseling, both individual (her) and a marriage class; she tried everything she knew to get me out of my 'frump'. But mere frump it was not, nor simple depression.

She realized I was beyond gone and started looking into what to call what she felt (or wasn't feeling) from her husband. The closest fit seemed to be abuse of one sort or another. I say it was a sick neglect. Seeing as we had previous problems before my change in 2010 with verbal and emotional abuse, she stuck with that. She started earnestly planning an escape, thinking I wouldn't know. I knew something was up, but no details of what or when or how, and it drove an even deeper wedge between us.

Now that both of us had given up, things progressed quickly.

[MIL has never cared much for me, especially after I had hurt her daughter, especially after I had recovered and won us back against her wishes. MIL was married to a VERY severely verbal/mental/physical abusive man who did horrible things to my wife when she was a child, then when she was 10, MIL filed for divorce, and a month after it was finalized Wifes father shot himself dead. Now MIL is married to a 30+ beer a day drunk who isn't physically abusive that I've seen but can be a real snake and an ass when he's drinking, which is always. Needless to say MIL has man issues and wife has serious issues of her own from this childhood.]
When her mother and her husband showed up unexpectedly for a 'visit', I knew for certain what was happening. This was to be the end. I still tried to be cordial, still hoping I was wrong. Had a sane person been sitting here, he would have tolerated f-i-l's condecending apprasial of our living quarters (they are currently horrible due to my broken leg, wifes pain and our inability to clean, with barely a walking path between the boxes of stuff we moved out of our old house and the garage, mostly unpacked since July). As I sat alone listening to f-i-l and wife 'out of earshot talking about how and why to leave me, how great things would be, and how much money per month Wife could get from me, the crocodile part of my brain must have lit up red. Had a sane person been sitting here, he wouldn't have taken an extra prescription on a full belly of drink, helped cordially clear enough floor for a blow-up mattress for Mother-and-Father-in-law, and then gone to pass out drunk in bed. There was no sane man sitting here that night, unfortunately.

After I blacked out, Wife reports I laid down in bed with her, began cussing at her and telling her to tell me she didn't love me anymore. I was belligerent and tapping her face to not let her sleep until she answered me. She says when she didn't answer either way, I expressed my desire to stay with her, or my desire for her to stay with me, in the most sick and disgusting way possible. It still makes me want to vomit thinking of the words she told me I said. I threatened her very life if she were to leave me. I told her I'd sit in jail for the rest of my life for putting a bullet in her.

My God how it hurts me to even type these words! The more I tell, the less power they have, praise Jesus and save us all. 

The next day when I woke up, m-i-l says 'so you got pretty drunk last night, huh? Wife says you said some stuff...'.

Not knowing what she was talking about I wished her a good morning and went on my way, but I soon realized from the mood in the room that things were totally f.u.b.a.r.

Wife took me outside and told me what happened. How I had hurt her, how she had spent all night shaking in fear. I tasted vomit repeatedly. This wasn't me, how had this happened? How do I not remember any of this? I love you Wife, I don't have a weapon and anyway, never in a million years would I hurt my family!

...Not when I was sober, I wouldn't. 

But really, not with a God I wouldn't.

She told me how I needed to find help and how she was leaving, we went over a few of the details, and I started helping to load my wife and children into the car and to say goodbye as they left my miserable world forever.

Wife made it clear that if we were to ever to reconcile, it would be several years from now. I love my wife and family and miss them dearly, but I don't blame them or wish them any malice whatsoever. I feel she was justified in her actions, especially after the booze that had just ruined my family that I threw in the dumpster and swore off forever, three days later I was back at it, I drank to drown the sorrow of their loss. I'm wasn't thinking rationally and I apologized for any grief this caused her. I'm so sorry.

Please feel free to pray for me, I am in need of a spiritual awakening, a rebirth, then, followed by (hopefully) by a marital reawakening. I want this but cannot do it myself, or even with another humans help. I want to make things right but am powerless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THX for tolerating my sad story, if nothing else maybe it serves as a warning to others.
This brought us up thru separation day Oct 13 and to my new Sobriety Birthday, the day after I penned some of the above, Oct 20, 2012.
When I have the energy again, I have a story to tell about the realization of the severity of my alcoholism and the role it played in this tragedy, the positive and negative interactions I've had with my family as a result of our separation, and my progress towards recovery.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

At least you want your family back, and wife has given hint that (even if its several years) there is hope for reconciliation. Work towards bettering yourself.


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

Okay. Standing outside hearing my wifes words that morning, hearing and UNDERSTANDING the harm I had done and had been doing for months, this was the ultimate sledgehammer that blasted thru the alcohol, thru the depression, thru everything and woke me up. I love my wife more than the air I breathe, and I never MEANT to do any of this, I never WANTED this. It was an unconscious acts of a sick man that had led us here. I never woke up in the morning thinking 'gee, I think I'll treat Wife poorly today'. I'm not a lazy man, I pulled my weight around the house when I could (broken leg mostly what made it so difficult past few months, not able to pull my weight after full day at work). 

So the week of oct13-oct20 is totally fuzzed in my memory, I swore off drinking for life but was back at it after 3 days. I realized it was killing me quickly both physically and mentally, and that I couldn't control myself or stop without help.

During that week she didn't try to contact me at all. She sent me an email telling me to return some library books she left here. I responded telling her I would, but also telling her how sorry and ashamed I was for my drunken words, telling her I miss her and children and hope they're doing and feeling well, while we're apart I'll keep my thoughts (read: fidelity) with her, she hadn't lost my commitment, told her to contact me whenever she had something to say. Not a single mean word has been emailed to her.

I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting that day 10/20, and realized I was EXACTLY where I needed to be, and that I had a firm hold on Step 1 already: I admitted I am powerless over alcohol - that my life had become unmanageable.
I went to another meeting that day, then another. I didn't drink or drug a drop.

That evening I looked over my finances, tallyed the income and the bills that needed paid, and the remainder the spendable income I divided 3/4 to her and our two kids, and 1/4 for my food/everything, and emailed her the details of how I came to the figure and how to access the funds, which were on automatic weekly payment. Still no contact from her, no response.

I went to church for the first time in a long while the next day, and now with an open heart and a sober mind I had quite the spiritual experience.

The following week if I wasn't at work I was at an AA meeting wholeheartedly. I poured myself into recovery, I went to the library and got every book I could find on alcoholism, ending abuse, praying, and healing marraiges. I was working on 4hr sleep absorbing everything I could. Still no response from my Wife, and I tried to respect what was now clearly her wish for NC (although she never has mentioned to me from the beginning that was what she wanted). A week after sending her the above $support details, I sent her the following:
Subject: Expectations
When you left, I held the expectation that we would be using this temporary separation time to work to foster positive marital communication.
Now that I am seeking that from you and not getting anything back - well, it feels terrible. I'm hurt past the point of tears because when I try to talk with you, you don't respond.
Are you trying to show me how I made you feel these months? Is this just the way you need to be for a period to re-establish yourself? Or, are you trying to establish your dominance within the relationship?
Are you punishing me? Worse, have you given up on us and decided this is how we are to be?
I was wrong. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.
Am I allowed to call you, and if I do, would you care to talk to me?
I'm not willing to give up on us. I meant every word I said June 18th (Wedding Date). Failure isn't an option for me - but patience is, as needed.
Now that you know my desires on the subject, please communicate your wants and needs on communication so we can get aligned and stop hurting so badly on this issue.
Hoping to hear from you soon,
your loving Husband,
(Indica)

I never got a response to this.

The next day, she emails me:
Hi [indica],
Would you please mail me my absentee ballot as soon as possible? If you cannot do that, please let me know by Sunday so I can send for another. 
Also, I'm making arrangements to finish moving my things from the apartment. An exact date has not been set yet, but it will be in approximately two weeks. 
Thank you for taking the initiative and sending money to support the children and me. I still do not have access to it, but hopefully my card will come soon. 
Have you thought about getting health insurance for [D] and [S}? I would appreciate you taking responsibility for them in this area. I need to establish pediatric care for them. 
Sincerely, 
[W]

I responded with some jackassery about not moving her stuff, but later replied apologizing after seeing how it came across as controlling, and explaining that I was desperate to not lose her and that moving everything seemed so final.

She finally let the kids call me and this was excellent. I miss them as much as her, but in a different way. They're 3 and don't understand any of this, but they seem happy. She wouldn't talk before or after the kids. I thanked her profusely afterwards via txt. 

A week passed - Still no response.

I continued attending as many AA meetings as there were hours free time, and my thoughts were constantly on the family. I was so deeply heartbroken that she wouldn't even talk, I cried myself to sleep every night, my appetite had left, my hygiene was slipping, I was a mess.

I txted her again saying I would really like to hear from her. Finally, she responded:
-_hear what?_
That you are well, that you may care to share some kind words with me, whats new in your life and how can I support you. Its not saying everything's OK, but its affirming wanting to make things better vs give up/more distant. Understand starving me to drive change tho.
-_thats not the reason for my silence towards you_
It has been starving me and driving change. I'd ask why b/c it hurts and I want it to stop - but would rather speak positive things. Whats good?
-_Have you thought about why I left? how u treated me 4 months and yrs? that u threatened to put a bullitin my head? Do u understand that u crossed THE LINE? Things aside from you and i are going well in my life. I don't care to speak to you about them tho b/c in doing so i'll be sending the message that everything is fine and just water under the bridge...but its not. i don't think you realize the severity of your actions. txt is a bad medium for this. i know you won't hear my message as i meant it. talk to you another time. have a good night._

I realized how much pain this was causing both of us and decided at that point to return the NO CONTACT to give us both space to cool down. I began separating myself once more from her emotionally and mentally so I wouldn't hurt so deeply. I continued to throw myself into the AA program and now had over 2 weeks sober, the longest I'd gone in over a year. Sanity was slowly returning.

I broke my NC with her for the last time three days later to call and sing her voicemail a happy birthday & say i love you. This is the last time I told her ILY: 11/9/12. 

Continuing to separate emotionally and mentally, and not contact her, I took some good advice (maybe...) - If you love her and want to heal yourself, you need to go on NC too and stop pushing. You need time to heal yourself and you need to put space and time from the situation. You need to accept that this situation is real and is out of your control before it drives you mad.

I also took some bad advice (maybe...) - If she wants no contact that's fine, she's not fulfilling any of your needs and she's not communicating so you need to do the same - no contact with her means no contact, why are you still letting her contact your wallet? She wants to be away and independant and strong and she'll never get that if you keep feeding her. Turn it off and go dark, don't answer when she emails/calls asking why, don't talk if its not productive, and don't give without getting.

11/13 I come home to an empty house, what's hers and whats ours and some of whats mine is gone, it's all gone. Pictures, etc. What hurt the worst was finding the loving fathers day card she and the kids made, ripped to shreds and left on the floor as a message. 

For 2 weeks NC is strictly what I did, and I will say I did heal, distance myself from her, and not feel resentment over the wallet.

I got a call from my father and he'd talked to her, told me she was upset over the funds, and that whatever between us that I still needed to fund the kids. I came around to seeing this and deposited now 2/4 (daughter+son) of the funds, and sent a note explaining that I wasn't going to be paying her to leave, if she wanted to talk about things instead of make demands I'd talk, and that I expected the funds to be exclusively for kids needs. That I now had over 30 days sober, that I had entered IC, that I'd respect her NC fully, that I had enrolled in an IC and group therapy renouned for ending abuse, that we were developing a daily plan to eliminate these behaviors forever, that I had found empathy and deep remorse for my treatment of her and was penning a proper apology.
No response.

Fast forward a week to yesterday, 12/1/2012: I got notice today that she filed for divorce. Silly on her because it is before the statutory waiting period so will be dismissed, but still, damn. She's saying loud and clear what she wants. She has my children 300 miles away and she KNOWS I have no way to see them (no car or license). She won't communicate in the least (aside from cashing my checks!). She's not even having the children call me anymore. She's blocked my calls on her phone so I cannot even call them.




Today is the first day that I take off my wedding band. Friends had recommended doing so a while back as part of not thinking about her and moving on with healing myself, but I didn't want to give up hope. I still have some hope left, but it is nearly extingushed.


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

All this said, all the bombs going off in my life, I'm so proud of myself for not having to drink and drug over it. 43 days sober and counting. Next IC next week to confirm clinical depression and alcoholism.


Interestingly he also noted that my verbal/emotional abuse, drinking, painkiller abuse, chronic pain was EXACTLY what her birth father went thru shortly before her mother divorced him - and that her nursing schooling she's now attending is the same program her mom got into during the process, and that we're exactly where her parents were 13 years ago. He wonders if Wife's conscious of the fact that we're living exactly what her parents did, and that there is no such thing as coincidence - she is playing out her childhood through our marriage either because its what she knows (familiar) or she's hoping for a different outcome.

Well, one thing will be different: if she does end up divorcing me I refuse to give up and kill myself like her dad did.


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

I'll say again that there has been NO infidelity from either, ever. That I WILL do anything and everything to facilitate a healthy and loving relationship with my wife, free of alcohol and abuse and neglect. That I AM making a lifetime commitment to sobriety without any hesitation of thinking some day I'll be able to have 'just one or two'. That I do NOT want to lose my family forever. That I AM in IC and church weekly and AA and prayer daily, and I'm SURE that if I don't commit to keeping these a regular part of my life forever then I'll not succeed. 

Ultimately my want is that I be given the time to sort myself through this, probably return to good/excellent health within 6mo-1yr, and be ready to persue MC and reconciliation after that time. At this moment I'm a sick man, but 6mo-1yr down the line of AA/sobriety/healing/IC I'm so confident things will be better. I can forgive her for not being here in SICKNESS and in health - although I feel she should be, it is out of my hands, I did plenty wrong to bring this about, and I refuse to hate over this. I'm upset but I'm letting go. What I'm now hurting more deeply over is that it wasn't just the sickness/health she didn't mean, it was also the til death do us part.

My want is for divorce proceedings to be delayed until I heal, and we make an honest assessment of if the vows so meaningfully meant need to be broken, or if a new relationship can be built on our commitment, around our children, and our God. We fell in love for a reason. We had children together for a reason. We came back together from a separation before for a reason. We married for a reason. We are separated now again for a reason, and DEAREST GOD I pray we'll get the opportunity to be reunited for a reason. 

And for the first time, I'd like to open the floor to anyone with a (much deserved) 2x4 for me, anyone with advice, encouragement, perspective, anything. Also does anyone feel it would be inappropriate to send the link to this blog to my Wife, so she may read my thoughts and feelings if she ever so cares to?


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Indica- your sobriety has to be paramount at this point. It seems like your life has become unmanageable due to the drinking and I applaud you for taking the initiative to getting to AA meetings and begin workinging a program. I would advise you to get a sponsor ASAP to help you with the steps. By working the steps, you will also be able to apply the principles not to just staying sober but to uncovering underlying issues and how they have affected your behavior in the past. I have been sober for 13 years and the one thing I have learned is that by removing alcohol from your life gives you the opportunity to make choices. Good luck to you!


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for that soca70! My higher power (a living God named Jesus) has to be paramount at this point, b/c its thru his power not mine that I'm sober today. (2nd and 3rd steps complete for today, 4th step in progress!) My sponsor has been helping me and I've been to 1,2,3 mtgs/day, & I won't give up today.

She said that alcohol wasn't the core issue, that it was only used as an excuse to treat her poorly. I see clearly that couldn't be less true, based on my loving behavior before alcoholism and during periods with her in continuous sobriety. Sure everyone has gremlins, but 'normal' people silence that background noise. As an alcoholic I was just pouring gas on that fire! *shakes head*


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

Today, sent an email - dunno if she'll read it (much less care) but I know I'll never forgive myself if I don't try:


Why file for divorce, is this what you truly want?

It's not what I truly want. At all. Some people make permanant decisions based upon temporary circumstances. I ask that we not be those people. Please table the subject for 3, 6, 9, 12 months until some pain and fog has subsided? Please don't rush into discarding the commitment, vows, covenant we so willingly entered. Circumstances have a way of changing, and people are constantly changing. I will not give up.

If there's an immediate issue you feel needs resolved in the mean time I am totally willing to discuss and find a resolution in a mature manner with our parents acting as mediators if desired.

Pax
[indica]


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

indica said:


> Today, sent an email - dunno if she'll read it (much less care) but I know I'll never forgive myself if I don't try:
> 
> 
> Why file for divorce, is this what you truly want?
> ...



You just worsen your situation ! 

Do you know what 180 is ?


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

x


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

BigMac - thank you for your opinion. Yes I do know what the 180 is, but I do not see how mindless adherence to its ideas will improve my situation.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
> 
> You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
> you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
> you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"



Your call if you think you know better !


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

Thanks for your words BigMac. You'll note that there is no infidelity anywhere in our relationship of 5 years. Alcohol and verbal/emotional abuse/neglect, depression, my fault. Totally different circumstance. She left because she didn't feel safe (can't blame her!), and filed because she doesn't believe I'll ever be able to change and permanently stop abusing (her private words I found on paper, as well as what her CHRISTIAN counselor advised and what her mom has always said). Also I see no children in your story, mine are 3 years old and 300 miles out of my loving arms. No harm in asking her to HOLD on D until some time passes from the separation and I prove to myself that I can stay sober and return to being the safe loving partner she married.

Yes, I do know my circumstance and my Wife better. Yes I will continue to '180' in that I am no longer headed down a road of self destruction with alcohol/drugs and depression and lonliness, I am bettering myself and literally feel like a man again, and I know my journey has only begun. Thank you again.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

Is it wise to use the 180 where you have clearly wronged someone and you want them to know that you are sorry and willing to change? What happened to fighting for your marriage?


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

I will stand for marriage, but I will not 'fight' for it. I only fight my enemies, and of those I have few. 

I'm showing her I AM SORRY and I'm willing to change, I am changing! I am making myself better and I am healing. I am giving her what she wants by respecting her NC and being the strong man she married in the first place. I don't NEED to have her or to have our marriage for me to be happy. I AM HAPPY now as a result of that realization.

I told her I would prefer to improve our relationship. Now I improve the things I don't like in MY life and enjoy the things I do. If she decides to meet in the middle that's nice, and if not that's nice too. I won't invade, pressure, plead or beg because I respect myself, her, and our marriage.


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