# Entering the Divorce Process



## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

My original post is still in the 'Dealing with Infidelity' section. It is titled 'Breaking my heart but heading for the Big D'. About 2/3 of the way down the first page. My stbxw was served this monday and her attorney filed the counter petition today. Her and I do not really communicate any more. Last we talked is reflected on my last post on the string mentioned above. At that time she said she wanted a collaborative divorce settlement yet she says/does nothing. 

The down feelings are not quite as low now as they used to be and that is good. But every time I need to do something for this divorce process it brings me back to thinking about it all. 25 years is a long time. Thanks to all for your past and future comments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your other thread is in Coping with Infidelity....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/386057-breaking-my-heart-but-heading-big-d.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Divorce is hard.

The best way to deal with it is to take good care of yourself.

So what are you doing for yourself?


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Divorce is hard.
> 
> The best way to deal with it is to take good care of yourself.
> 
> So what are you doing for yourself?


My job keeps me pretty active but otherwise in my time off I play pickleball. Yes, that is pickleball. A great deal of fun and there are quite a number of people starting to play these days. You get good exercise and you can take some suppressed frustration out on the ball. It helps a lot and most players are around my age give or take 10 years. More young people now coming out to play though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

getting it together said:


> My job keeps me pretty active but otherwise in my time off I play pickleball. Yes, that is pickleball. A great deal of fun and there are quite a number of people starting to play these days. You get good exercise and you can take some suppressed frustration out on the ball. It helps a lot and most players are around my age give or take 10 years. More young people now coming out to play though.


Looks like a mix between tennis and ping pong.

How often do you play?


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Ele- two times a week. 4 hours and 3 hours. I can forget about everything else while playing and it is just downright fun. I got my stbxw's counter petition today. Seems like she is grasping at strings and trying for some leverage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does your lawyer say about her counter offer?


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Ele- There was nothing really surprising. She is trying to leverage our properties and not admitting that I recently paid off 3/4 of our mortgage with some of my inheritance money. I also bought our second property with trust money (no I'm not rich or anything). She is not admitting that doing that amounts to something out of the ordinary. She is displaying selective memory loss. No kids involved so that is good.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Of course she is. This is the cash and prizes part for her bad behavior. You get the broken heart and the bill. Marriage is a scam.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hold firm if you have good records the inheritance/trust is yours not hers.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Stang and Marc-Luckily enough (or not) she makes about 3 times what I make so she is looking at paying alimony. I think she is trying to leverage the properties to get out of paying alimony but she really has no leverage. I think she had some of this planned ahead of time but neglected to consider a number of huge issues. Probably listened to the wrong people before hiring her lawyer.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

getting it together said:


> Stang and Marc-Luckily enough (or not) she makes about 3 times what I make so she is looking at paying alimony. I think she is trying to leverage the properties to get out of paying alimony but she really has no leverage. I think she had some of this planned ahead of time but neglected to consider a number of huge issues. Probably listened to the wrong people before hiring her lawyer.


They try to plan and scheme ahead but it's almost always based on bad info and generalities instead of the facts. She probably hasn't fully disclosed things to her lawyer either which just ends up costing everyone more money in legal fees and nonsense.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Honcho-I agree. I think she may have thought she could just tell him to take care of it all. Seeing as how she is the one having an affair, refusing to stop and not wanting to work on our relationship then I am not inclined to feel sorry for her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Keep your attorney appraised of everything going on with her!

He'll totally nail her butt to wall at the right time!*


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

getting it together said:


> Stang and Marc-Luckily enough (or not) she makes about 3 times what I make so she is looking at paying alimony. I think she is trying to leverage the properties to get out of paying alimony but she really has no leverage. I think she had some of this planned ahead of time but neglected to consider a number of huge issues. Probably listened to the wrong people before hiring her lawyer.



Sounds like you lucked out. Nice to see the BS can catch a break sometimes. Sounds like things will be looking up for you. So sorry your going through this though. Sucks to have your heart broken even if it doesn't ruin you financially.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

getting it together said:


> Ele- There was nothing really surprising. She is trying to leverage our properties and not admitting that I recently paid off 3/4 of our mortgage with some of my inheritance money. I also bought our second property with trust money (no I'm not rich or anything). She is not admitting that doing that amounts to something out of the ordinary. She is displaying selective memory loss. No kids involved so that is good.




Have you spoken to your attorney about the inheritance and trust money that you commingled? Depending on the state you live in she may have actual leverage there.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Stang-I am lucky in some respects on the financial side. On the emotional side, I am having a hard time getting over they fact that the same person I loved, talked with every day and shared 25 years with can just throw us (our daughters too, they are adults) out like old luggage. That is as hurtful as anything else. It is as if she used the remote to switch a channel on the TV. We seem to be the old channel. 

kristin- The only inheritance money commingled was the money I paid to pay off the mortgage on our primary property and the money used to buy our second retreat property. All else was not mixed. She does have some leverage with the property but not with anything else. It all sucks anyway. The person I knew for 25 years is gone; I don't know this new person.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Didn't you voluntarily quit a much higher paying job?

If so why would she be paying alimony?

You have the means to support yourself. 

Not a judgement, just curious.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Lifeistooshort- I did not quit, I was laid off after 13 years with the company. I had to train 3 people in India to do my job. I have not been in IT since and that was 2011. 

I ask this; if the shoe were on the other foot and I cheated on her and made 3 times more than her.....would there be any questions about alimony? I doubt it. Doesn't equality apply to all genders equally? 

One other question...why should I be made to uproot and change everything just because my wife decides that she wants to have an affair and blow up our marriage?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

getting it together said:


> Lifeistooshort- I did not quit, I was laid off after 13 years with the company. I had to train 3 people in India to do my job. I have not been in IT since and that was 2011.
> 
> I ask this; if the shoe were on the other foot and I cheated on her and made 3 times more than her.....would there be any questions about alimony? I doubt it. Doesn't equality apply to all genders equally?
> 
> One other question...why should I be made to uproot and change everything just because my wife decides that she wants to have an affair and blow up our marriage?


Well, alimony isn't a punishment. It's support for a partner who's sacrificed their own career potential to support the other partner advancing theirs. 

That's not really what happened here. You're an IT guy who could be working. Plenty of IT people have had their job outsourced and then found another job.....i see this in my industry all the time. Many of the production and support positions are outsourced, but development ones are here.

You have chosen to take a much lower paying job. Was that to advance her job? If so then yes, alimony is in order. If not that's your choice.

And yes, a guy who cheated isn't necessarily on the hook to support his wife who can support herself but chooses not to. Because alimony isn't meant to be a punishment. 

But that's for you to take up with your lawyer and the court. They'll decide..... I'm just suggesting that you might not want to count on it.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

LifeistooShort-

Well, alimony isn't a punishment. It's support for a partner who's sacrificed their own career potential to support the other partner advancing theirs.

-I disagree. It is to help support one spouse when the other chooses to exit the marriage where income is not equal. Nothing to do with advancing the career of the other (although I did that here and she just finished her 3rd year of probation on the fed job she has, just coincidence of course).

That's not really what happened here. You're an IT guy who could be working. Plenty of IT people have had their job outsourced and then found another job.....i see this in my industry all the time. Many of the production and support positions are outsourced, but development ones are here.

-Yes, maybe I could find an IT job here in a town of 2000 people and over 100 miles from where I had my IT job before. Not likely....and I have looked. 6 years is an eon in IT. 

You have chosen to take a much lower paying job. Was that to advance her job? If so then yes, alimony is in order. If not that's your choice.

-I didn't 'choose' to take a lower paying job. That is all there is here and my stbxw didn't want me to come back to take another job in the city. Hmmmm, another coincidence. 

And yes, a guy who cheated isn't necessarily on the hook to support his wife who can support herself but chooses not to. Because alimony isn't meant to be a punishment.

-Much more likely though especially if she can not maintain the same standard of living No, it is a matter of being fair. I am not 40 or 45 any more. You really think it is that easy to just go grab a high paying job somewhere. Interesting.

But that's for you to take up with your lawyer and the court. They'll decide..... I'm just suggesting that you might not want to count on it.

-I do not assume.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

getting it together said:


> Lifeistooshort- I did not quit, I was laid off after 13 years with the company. I had to train 3 people in India to do my job. I have not been in IT since and that was 2011.
> 
> I ask this; if the shoe were on the other foot and I cheated on her and made 3 times more than her.....would there be any questions about alimony? I doubt it. Doesn't equality apply to all genders equally?
> 
> One other question...why should I be made to uproot and change everything just because my wife decides that she wants to have an affair and blow up our marriage?


 No , that's not how it works. You are a male so of course you shouldn't take alimony. Doesn't matter the situation. 
Alimony was set up by our government to help women blow up families. It's there to aid empowered and independent women on their quest to find themselves . 
It should not ever be used to help a male get back on his feet after a woman destroys a household. That's just silly.
In fact a man should be ashamed of himself if he is not in a position to pay her alimony when the woman decides she needs a new penis in her life to be haaaappy.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Stang197- Thank you for the injection of sanity. Your statement reflects exactly the way it seems sometimes and it shouldn't be that way. 

To clarify for all- I took other jobs because there is nothing in IT that can not be outsourced. Nothing is really safe. I took a job that helped me learn about sustainability. It was a job that could not be outsourced. Once my contract was finished there my stbxw and I bought a small ranch with the express purpose of making it a sustainable retreat. I did that and now the job I have is allowing me to learn how to grow organic fruit. There is a good future here but it will take some more time. The point here is that my stbxw and I agreed about all of this. I said maybe I should return to our main home and get a higher paying job. No, no....she didn't want that. She said I am much healthier here and if I went back my health would not be as good if I had to work in an office like I used to. I guess she didn't consider that having an EA and the PA would be quite detrimental to my health too.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

getting it together said:


> Stang197- Thank you for the injection of sanity. Your statement reflects exactly the way it seems sometimes and it shouldn't be that way.
> 
> To clarify for all- I took other jobs because there is nothing in IT that can not be outsourced. Nothing is really safe. I took a job that helped me learn about sustainability. It was a job that could not be outsourced. Once my contract was finished there my stbxw and I bought a small ranch with the express purpose of making it a sustainable retreat. I did that and now the job I have is allowing me to learn how to grow organic fruit. There is a good future here but it will take some more time. The point here is that my stbxw and I agreed about all of this. I said maybe I should return to our main home and get a higher paying job. No, no....she didn't want that. She said I am much healthier here and if I went back my health would not be as good if I had to work in an office like I used to. I guess she didn't consider that having an EA and the PA would be quite detrimental to my health too.


It's funny that you feel the need to explain yourself about your career decisions that you made with your wife. If the tables were turned you would hear statements like " you go girl, take him to the cleaners" or "find out what your entitled to". Since your a male it's " why did you make this choice or that choice" . 

To these people it does not matter why a woman chose to be under employed out unemployed all together. Only the man . It's sexist 100%.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Now prepare for the "your just bitter and angry " shaming tactics that empowered and independent women like to throw around if you don't follow the feminist playbook.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Gentlemen, please do not turn this into a gender war.

It discredits both of you. 

I am asking you politely as a moderator.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

I'll respect the request. We can move on to other subjects.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

is it off limits to observe how the court system works (or doesn't)?

My ex was all too happy to sue for 2k/month. This was after she showed no interest in working and was abysmal at raising children

Seems to me this is reality. We need to deal with it.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> is it off limits to observe how the court system works (or doesn't)?
> 
> My ex was all too happy to sue for 2k/month. This was after she showed no interest in working and was abysmal at raising children
> 
> Seems to me this is reality. We need to deal with it.



I can't believe if the OP wants to discuss these realities it should be squashed by a moderator.
Why?
Is it uncomfortable for certain people to read? 
It wasn't a thread jack. 
It is well known the alimony system and family court is biased. 
Discussing it is starting a sex war?
If you can't discuss certain things on this forum , how useful is the forum?


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well, alimony isn't a punishment. It's support for a partner who's sacrificed their own career potential to support the other partner advancing theirs.
> 
> That's not really what happened here. You're an IT guy who could be working. Plenty of IT people have had their job outsourced and then found another job.....i see this in my industry all the time. Many of the production and support positions are outsourced, but development ones are here.
> 
> ...




This is incorrect. It is to "Maintain the current lifestyle". And in certain states it is lifelong , this could mean the primary wage earner is a wage slave for the rest of his life.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I hope you live in Maryland. Close Friend described WH who was counting on the money she invested in their home from an inheritance was not going to be available to use with new trophy wife face - priceless. Everthing eise was/is horrible (they have a daughter in her teens) but that moment is still priceless to her. 

Could you PM the state you live in? Elegirl actually has a lot of expeience with this. 

In the mean while hold you ground -hard. When a friend's wife started playing games he told both lawyers and her - "I rather walk away with nothing as long as the lawyers get every penny and she gets nothing". Her friends convinced her finally he meant it. The terms where percentage wise what he offered. Note percentage wise as both lawyers got money they would not have if she accept original offer.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Thanks to all for good comments. Sunshine state, by the way. Got another update here. I drove the 2+ hours to go back to my main home to drop some of her stuff off and pick up some of mine. I knew she was working and would not be home so I would not have to worry about any confrontation (although we have never really had any). I texted her that I would be home in about 30 mins. Well, she says that is too short of a heads up. Well, It turns out that she changed the locks on the house. She said I should have told her at least a day in advance. I told her that I did not come to visit her and only wanted to do the above mentioned and do some wash. 

Now, the divorce petition was served to her on monday and the counter petition given to my lawyer on Wednesday. No rulings or anything have been made. I really do not think she has a right to lock me out of my own house without a court order. Am I way off here? Thanks for input.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Ask a lawyer.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

I plan to but it happened today and office is not open.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

getting it together said:


> Thanks to all for good comments. Sunshine state, by the way. Got another update here. I drove the 2+ hours to go back to my main home to drop some of her stuff off and pick up some of mine. I knew she was working and would not be home so I would not have to worry about any confrontation (although we have never really had any). I texted her that I would be home in about 30 mins. Well, she says that is too short of a heads up. Well, It turns out that she changed the locks on the house. She said I should have told her at least a day in advance. I told her that I did not come to visit her and only wanted to do the above mentioned and do some wash.
> 
> Now, the divorce petition was served to her on monday and the counter petition given to my lawyer on Wednesday. No rulings or anything have been made. I really do not think she has a right to lock me out of my own house without a court order. Am I way off here? Thanks for input.


The day my ex filed I changed the locks. It ticked off my ex plenty but as I told her now that we are in the court system nothing leaves the house without approval by both parties and value assigned. Before she had filed she was coming into the house while I was at work and clearing out things and took many items I didn't want gone. She threatened to haul me into court over it and I told her to go ahead. 

About 2 months later she broke in and took a bunch of junk, stuff I didn't care about really but was more than happy to get her in legal trouble. 

Now that your in "the system" it's important to not make any move without the lawyers approval. It's cumbersome and silly at times but that's our legal system.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm in the sunshine state as well and was divorced here.

I don't have any experience with inheritances and divorce as I was long divorced and remarried when my father passed and left me something. It is a community property and no fault state, but how that relates to inheritance I don't know.

FYI, I do recall the alimony conversation I had with my lawyer. She told me that judges were really frowning on alimony (this was in 2005) and reluctant to order much. Even in my case as a sahm for 5 years, and my ex was career military who was free to go out on the ship without worry because I took care of the kids and handled everything. In that sense I very much supported his career (he did end up retiring).

I didn't ask for it anyway.....put my own life together. Today I'm in a much better financial position then my ex.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stang197 said:


> This is incorrect. It is to "Maintain the current lifestyle". And in certain states it is lifelong , this could mean the primary wage earner is a wage slave for the rest of his life.



Not necessarily true. Lifetime alimony does exist, but it's not as common as people seem to think and is not going to apply here. Usually it's for people who are older or otherwise can't reasonably be expected to support themselves.

Also considered is the spouse's ability to support themselves. As I recall his wife is a nurse, so she isn't exactly a millionaire celebrity. And he is quite capable of supporting himself, so that will likely be considered.

Alimony is not a tool to punish, particularly not in a no fault state like Florida. It's a business arrangement.

FWIW, I hope he keeps his inheritance. In my view it's really ****ty to try to take someone's inheritance. Depending on what his lawyer says about it and whether alimony is applicable here he may be able to use alimony as a negotiating tool.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

lifeistooshort-Thank you for this info. My attorney told me that if the inheritance funds were not commingled then they are not considered community property. The only inheritance money that I commingled was the money I used to pay off the mortgage (and all our bills) so we would have no debt. I paid that just last year (in all about 100k). Now I am locked out of that very house. 

You seem fairly young (judging by your avitar-lol). But I am not so young any more. 60 pretty soon actually. Not hard getting a part time job as many employers know that us 'old folks' have a pretty good work ethic. The problem is with the good, decent paying jobs...employers want to invest in someone that will be around a while. Also, I have no family in this state (only one sister now and she is 1000's miles away) so if I got injured or whatever, it would not be good. Not wanting pity, just stating the facts as I have witnessed/lived them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm 43..... but was only 31 when I divorced officially. I just really like futurama because I have a physics background 

Your age may change things, I don't know. Also your wife's age; if she's your age that may be a factor.....she has to be able to support herself. Judges are hard to figure, and it may be in your interest to make a deal with her.

If you roll the dice and try to get everything you may take a beating in court depending on the judge. Hopefully your lawyer will give you good advice.

Ask your lawyer what he thinks of offering to give up alimony if you keep that 100k. Even if you got alimony you're never going to get 100k in aggregate..... she's a nurse, not Beyonce. Tell her you'll pursue every last dime you can for the rest of your life if she wants to play hardball. She may decide being tethered to you by alimony isn't worth it. 

Try to keep your head up... you don't want a wife who doesn't want you. And you still have life ahead of you..... my husband is 62 and got laid off at 59. Took him about 10 months to find a job and he's still working there. 

Another guy I know who's about 64, I just saw him yesterday, lost his job a few months ago and is getting remarried soon (divorced 4 or 5 years ago). He's on cloud 9 right now and is looking for a job. 

If you're willing to entertain ladies your age you'll be a hot commodity...ladies my husband's age fawn over him all the time. It's almost embarrassing to watch..... mainly because he's clearly married. The problem a lot of older guys have is that they want younger women and imagine they're much better catches then they really are.

Have you considered moving to where you do have support?


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

LifeistooShort - Thank you-Great post!! I'll reply one para (above) at a time below:

1. My father was a physics prof. (UW) and pretty well known in his specialty. He retired from Berkeley. Hard to measure up to that. 

2. My wife is almost 50 (her new guy is 5 years my junior but married over 30 years). She stated (before I found out about A) that she wanted to be alone and wanted to travel etc., etc. The thought had crossed my mind that she may have considered what might happen if I had a physical ailment or something and how that might encroach on her desired lifestyle. It would fit in with the selfishness I have been witnessing but again I may be analyzing too much. She is a GS worker and no longer on probation. I wrote and rewrote her resume for the job. Oh, well. I am sure you are right that it will go to mediation where a deal will probably be made.

3. You are right and my lawyer did mention this. He also stated he is going to wait for a good mediator rather than forcing a quick mediation and getting a bad mediator. 

4. Yes, that may be a good idea and it may be what they are leveraging for judging by their counter petition. BTW, at present she makes 5.5k a month to my 1.5k. Six months ago she thought this was fine. Now is a different story. 

5, 6, 7. I will keep moving forward. Age, to me, is not a big factor. It is the person. My current job may indeed turn into something better in a year or two. The owner and I get along very well. We are a bit tight this year because a 200k lb harvest froze on the bush. We are remedying that this fall so it doesn't happen again. It is also healthy work and keeps me pretty active. 

8. Yes, I have thought about moving there but really can not consider it right now with all that is happening. 

Thanks again for a great post!


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

A comment/question and a second question. I talked with my son (from previous marriage) today and he told me some interesting stuff that happened three years ago while I as away on a job. He had just returned from Europe and was staying at our house (for about 6 months) while he got his feet on the ground. He told me that my stbxw went on trips quite often and just went out without much of any explanation; for instance 'I'm going shopping and won't be back until tonight'. He said she was once picked up at our house by a (male) doctor. He said she stayed out overnight on occasion too. I guess I may have been blind and duped for quite a bit longer than I thought. I know none of this is solid evidence but it takes on a different light considering recent events. She also told me, back then, that she really disliked my son. I now think that may have been because she thought he was telling me about the above at the time. He didn't tell me though because he thought I knew she was going out all the time. Am I way off thinking like this?

Second question: How often were you all updated by your lawyers during the divorce process?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Not necessarily true. Lifetime alimony does exist, but it's not as common as people seem to think and is not going to apply here. Usually it's for people who are older or otherwise can't reasonably be expected to support themselves.
> 
> Also considered is the spouse's ability to support themselves. As I recall his wife is a nurse, so she isn't exactly a millionaire celebrity. And he is quite capable of supporting himself, so that will likely be considered.
> 
> ...


That sounds great.

But, I can tell you from personal experience, that I was facing 2k/month lifetime alimony in a situation where my ex had a BA in Math and a Teaching certificate in our home state.

She hadn't worked any real sort of job for 15 years.

So, the court was ready to "impute" an income of 25k on her, juxtaposed to the 125k I regularly earned.

2k per month - for LIFE

Yes, I bought my way out.

To pretend this isn't reality is simply wrong.

I'll also testify that I'm in a situation right now where my current wife (she hates that term) and I are turning around a small business.

This would simply be impossible with a 2k/month mortgage payment to my ex who still hasn't been on a date - 10 years running. My 28 year old son still lives with/off her and that was one of the primary bones of contention in our relationship. Mrs. Nice Mom put a smile on my son's face for decades - while he made no progress as an adult.

Get a good lawyer and resist believing in fairytales. There's little - if any - "justice" in the American legal system.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

getting it together said:


> A comment/question and a second question. I talked with my son (from previous marriage) today and he told me some interesting stuff that happened three years ago while I as away on a job. He had just returned from Europe and was staying at our house (for about 6 months) while he got his feet on the ground. He told me that my stbxw went on trips quite often and just went out without much of any explanation; for instance 'I'm going shopping and won't be back until tonight'. He said she was once picked up at our house by a (male) doctor. He said she stayed out overnight on occasion too. I guess I may have been blind and duped for quite a bit longer than I thought. I know none of this is solid evidence but it takes on a different light considering recent events. She also told me, back then, that she really disliked my son. I now think that may have been because she thought he was telling me about the above at the time. He didn't tell me though because he thought I knew she was going out all the time. Am I way off thinking like this?
> 
> Second question: How often were you all updated by your lawyers during the divorce process?


>>>>Wondering if some members might help me with the questions above? Thank you much ahead of time.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

getting it together said:


> >>>>Wondering if some members might help me with the questions above? Thank you much ahead of time.


In regards to second question lawyers are not the best communicators. Unless you have a hearing or due date coming up shortly it's not unusual to hear nothing from them. Divorce is very much a hurry up and wait game and while lawyers are used to it, clients arent. 

Lawyers are also notorious for waiting till the last minute then scrambling to get things ready for a hearing etc. During my divorce which took almost 3 years it wasn't unusual to go a month or two without hearing from him.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> In regards to second question lawyers are not the best communicators. Unless you have a hearing or due date coming up shortly it's not unusual to hear nothing from them. Divorce is very much a hurry up and wait game and while lawyers are used to it, clients arent.
> 
> Lawyers are also notorious for waiting till the last minute then scrambling to get things ready for a hearing etc. During my divorce which took almost 3 years it wasn't unusual to go a month or two without hearing from him.


The whole "retainer" thing kind of sucks.

I think it makes lawyers less responsive than they otherwise would be.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Thank you for the input regarding what I should expect from the lawyer. It explains the lack of activity.

Other than that, a fairly rough day today. Too much time to think and remember. I keep myself busy but my mind seems to always turn back to the relationship or lack thereof. I guess I shouldn't expect much else as it has only been 6 weeks or so since DDay. She has been a large part of my life for over 20 years and now it seems like a big empty space has taken over.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

getting it together said:


> Thank you for the input regarding what I should expect from the lawyer. It explains the lack of activity.
> 
> Other than that, a fairly rough day today. Too much time to think and remember. I keep myself busy but my mind seems to always turn back to the relationship or lack thereof. I guess I shouldn't expect much else as it has only been 6 weeks or so since DDay. She has been a large part of my life for over 20 years and now it seems like a big empty space has taken over.


For me weekends were the worst in the beginning. Force yourself to try/do new things on days with extra time to keep your brain distracted. It's too easy to follow a normal routine and your brain can dwell too much on the past. 

Lawyers can drive ya nuts with inactivity or perceived inactivity. They are a strange breed in general, they understand law, not people skills. They are also kind of at the mercy of other parties too in order to do things. If they dont hear from the other side there isn't much the can do. If you have a court date set expect a flurry of activity right before that date. Lawyers also tend to do something right before the end of month and frankly it's only done to drive billable hours. It's annoying but it's how the system is designed.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Honcho - Thanks. I try to keep busy doing different things. Today, I cleaned out some old papers and stumbled on to some old cards and pictures. That was not really good but I did get some stuff done. 

I guess where the lawyer is concerned I just need to be patient. Yesterday I had thought of going to our other home as last week when I went I found she had changed the locks. She was not working this weekend so could have gone but decided not to. She works every other weekend so I may go two weeks from now. Not wanting to visit her, only to drop off and pick up some things. Also, check on the house. The place I am at now was supposed to have been our retreat bungalow. So much for that plan.


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

A bit of an update. Have not talked face to face nor via phone for over a month. It is disturbing to think she (I guess we, as I have not initiated contact either) can just stop everything on a dime after 20+ years of daily interaction. We have only texted about handling bills. I can only surmise there is no heart left in her and indeed I wonder now if it was all an act. I am still, as far as I know, locked out of my house. I have not been back since the last post about that. I have also found that she is now opening my mail that goes to our main address. Sometimes I think she is just trying to push my buttons. I refuse to react though. 

I am now on a little vacation so as to get away from everything. Doing a lot of sports/exercise. I needed this and it has been good for me. There are moments I think that we could have gone on this vacation together but then realize that she is no longer the same person that I knew and therefore not someone I would miss.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

getting it together said:


> A bit of an update. Have not talked face to face nor via phone for over a month. It is disturbing to think she (I guess we, as I have not initiated contact either) can just stop everything on a dime after 20+ years of daily interaction. We have only texted about handling bills. I can only surmise there is no heart left in her and indeed I wonder now if it was all an act. I am still, as far as I know, locked out of my house. I have not been back since the last post about that. I have also found that she is now opening my mail that goes to our main address. Sometimes I think she is just trying to push my buttons. I refuse to react though.
> 
> I am now on a little vacation so as to get away from everything. Doing a lot of sports/exercise. I needed this and it has been good for me. There are moments I think that we could have gone on this vacation together but then realize that she is no longer the same person that I knew and therefore not someone I would miss.


I just got back from a 2 week vacation it was amazing just to switch off.

as for bolded i feel same how after 12 years and 2 children suddenly we are strangers and have zero contact.


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