# need a mans opinion and insight!!!!!!



## mommabear (Feb 12, 2011)

my husband and i have been married for three years and have a young baby. we have been dealing with a lot of stress recently with the baby and family and such... he caught me cheating at work, so i came clean and told him the truth about the whole situation. how we a re fcing a whole new stress on our realationship and family. we both want to save our family and work through this. i have a lot of guilt over everything.. and of course, he is very angry and hurt. i dont blame him for that but how can he direct his energy on healing? what can i do to help him? where do we start the healing process now that everything is out in the open? i know what i did was wrong and i do not want our family to fall apart over my momentary lapse of judgement! please help me help my husband and family reco0ver from this! as a man... if you caught your wife cheating, what would you want her to do to help fix it????


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## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

Personally? I'd want her to step on down the road. But that's not exactly what you are looking for with this post I'm sure.

Healing will take a long time and not until you can rebuild trust. You cheated with someone at work...was it actually "at work" or with a coworker but outside of work? If it was literally at work then you need to start by finding a job somewhere else or he will never feel comfortable when you walk out the door to go to work. Even if it was after hours, this is an option you might want to consider assuming the other man is still employed there. 

You basically will have to disclose your whereabouts at all times for awhile (he'll let you know when he's tired of hearing it) and be able to prove you were where you said you were, and be honest about whom you were there with and why you were there for the amount of time it took, etc. Accountability will help rebuild the trust.

Forgiveness is something only he can determine. But if your marriage is going to last he will need to forgive you as well. There's no point in pleading with him or apologizing day after day. A little early on may help but it is still something he will have to figure out on his own.

Be patient and be the best wife you can be. And after the dust has settled a little bit, sit down and ask him what you can do to help fix it. You might get a lot of great dieas and advice here, but in the long run it is your husband you need to work this out with.

Good luck to you and your family! I hope it works out the for the best for all of you.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

You may have already accepted this but I'll say it anyway. This is 100% your fault. So no matter how tough things get, don't forget that. He owes you no trust, and you do not deserve it in any way shape or form. So if rebuilding this trust takes years, don't get impatient or mad at him. That would be unfair. So make sure you're really committed to this before you start cause it could be a very long road. 

I know you're feeling guilty and I'm not trying to rub your face in it but no matter what he was doing or how he was acting in your relationship, there is no excuse. You choose to break the trust instead of leaving him or trying to solve the problem within the marriage.

So that being said here is what I'd expect:

-Full access to all her computer accounts (facebook/emails/IM's with history) and cell phone history/bills/text messages. 
-Minimize and reduce any activities outside the house where I'm not there. I wouldn't trust you if you said you were going out with a friend alone. So plan activities with friends where everyone including me, can go out as a group. 
-If you must go to some sort of social activity that is completely unavoidable, like out with a few girlfriends. I'd expect you to take some pictures (with time stamp, every camera can do it) and prove it. "Hey girls, lets get a picture so I can remember this day!". Easy to do. 
-I'd expect you to call me on every one of your lunch breaks. I wouldn't trust you weren't screwing him on your lunch. 
-I'd expect you to tell your boss that you cannot work late no matter what the reason and if it forced on you, you leave the job. 
-If the person you had an affair with still works where you do. I'd expect you to leave that job. If things were tight financially, I'd give you a minimal time frame to find a new job like "you have 1 month to find a new job or you quit and we figure out a way to make it work financially." Even if that means selling a car, cutting off cable tv etc. 

Sounds harsh like a prison but if it were me, I'd expect that as a minimum. Remember, you're less than zero on the trust scale. Zero trust would be meeting a new stranger. You have in fact PROVEN you are not worthy of my trust. So you would have to work hard to prove it.

After a few months and significant strides had been made in our relationship, I'd start removing these restrictions a bit by bit until eventually sometime off in the future things were back to normal again. 





mommabear said:


> my husband and i have been married for three years and have a young baby. we have been dealing with a lot of stress recently with the baby and family and such... he caught me cheating at work, so i came clean and told him the truth about the whole situation. how we a re fcing a whole new stress on our realationship and family. we both want to save our family and work through this. i have a lot of guilt over everything.. and of course, he is very angry and hurt. i dont blame him for that but how can he direct his energy on healing? what can i do to help him? where do we start the healing process now that everything is out in the open? i know what i did was wrong and i do not want our family to fall apart over my momentary lapse of judgement! please help me help my husband and family reco0ver from this! as a man... if you caught your wife cheating, what would you want her to do to help fix it????


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Beside the heartache and visuals I would be figuring out why. What did I do to have this happen and how could you have went through with it. Is it something that can happen again, how much did you enjoy it, was it better than me,bigger than me,last longer than me ??? I would be wondering all these torturous things and feel I would have to ask all these and more to make the pain be so deep and hard,,,, so that if we make it through this I would know that there could be no surprises that would hurt or catch me off guard and destroy me all over again.

I hope that made sense


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