# Seeking ladies input



## Kalden (Feb 28, 2011)

Hello ladies,

Well, on 01JAN11 my now ex of nearly 10 months broke up with me but I would say from her a mix of her actions, words, and etc... that she didn't want to break up with me - but it's really hard for me to decipher what she's saying without me getting my hopes up, or me seeing what I want to see. I'll try not to get too specific... sorry for this novel-like post.

Some background, I'm 25 and she is 24, and she had previously been with a guy for nearly 3 years and was engaged for nearly a year... the guy was an absolute abusive jerk (emotionally abusive) and she said he kept taking, and taking and never gave and she kept giving thinking that he would eventually change his ways and they would live happily ever after; he would 'stalk' her and demand to know where she was all the time and if he heard a guys voice through the telephone while talking to her, he would threaten to come pick her up - and a ton of other things. Well, after a friend forced her eyes open, she gave the ring back and after truly seeing for herself his true character during the next few months she was so relieved she didn't actually meet him at the altar. 

Less than a year or so after that, we started dating (she had 'dated' only one guy in between - a guy she still calls a friend... they had more of a "honeymoon" friends with benefits thing for about 8 months or so, perhaps a bit longer - they 'met' online but didn't actually meet until after she broke up with her ex-fiancé... they've known each other for over 5 years and he was that friend that was there through the internet during her engagement problems). Anyways, when we started dating, neither of us were looking for anything; I thought she was taken, and she didn't want anything serious. Well, from the first (unofficial date) we really hit things off, chemistry like you wouldn't believe and we very quickly started spending most of our time together.

To fast forward things, throughout our relationship, she kept saying that she couldn't believe how happy she was and she would say I love you more often and more spontaneously than I would, and she was gaining just a little bit of weight and called it "happy cow syndrome" because she was so happy. Not to sound full of myself, but I gave her a lot... I put a ton of thought into her birthday, and I even took her to Disneyworld (something she had always wanted and my parents are down there, whom she met)... and I never really asked for anything in return - that's just who I am - she also gave a lot to me.

Thanksgiving, I met her family and we had an absolute blast... her family really liked me, and I really liked the family-oriented atmosphere... she was really excited to show me a of ton of her photo albums, and stuff from her past - I absolutely loved it - a great, great time! I mentioned to her around this time that I really hoped that we would continue to stay together, that I really loved what we had; I wasn't crying but it was obvious there was my heart behind it, and she responded, "Don't be clingy... no one likes clingy, and timing is everything." Now, we NEVER seriously talked about marriage... though we had made jokes about it and kids, but it was nothing more than jokes.

Here's where everything starts going south... a couple of days after Turkey Day, she put the following on her facebook status: "You've made room for me in your heart, too early to tell if I'm happy in your arms... I'm really hard to hold onto." During our break-up, she mentioned that around that time she started to have doubts about us - small doubts at first, but they wouldn't go away. The week before Christmas, after her exams, she went home for a week and then came back for the weekend and we spent it together and Christmas (a wonderful time) and then she went back home again, and then on 01JAN (Saturday) I could tell something was bothering her and I had to keep digging until she finally said, "I don't think I see us being together too much longer." I could tell she didn't want to say it, and it hit me like a wall of bricks.

We spoke a few days later and she said, "I love you, but it's more of how I love my friends, not romantically. *No one's ever treated me this well, I've never been this happy before, and I don't think I'll ever find a guy who is better than you*... but you give 150% to this relationship and my heart won't let me... I went into this with a guarded heart and I tried so hard to unlock it for you, but it wouldn't let me. *I don't deserve you* and I don't think it's fair for me to drag you along... you deserve to find someone who can give you the same 150%. No one makes me laugh like you do and I still really want to be friends." She also mentioned that when she went home for Christmas, she spoke with her mom and though she wouldn't mention what she said to her mom, she said her mom said, "I am tired of hearing you go back and forth about this... if you're not 150% confident you can give him your whole heart, then maybe you shouldn't be with him."

Keep in mind, we never argued about anything, never had any fights, and we never went to bed angry at each other... and though at times I had some doubts about marriage, at the end in December, I thought for sure she was the one... though I never pressured her for marriage or made any suggestions to go ring shopping or anything.

Well, in January, she had contacted me a few times and even showed up at my door announced to drop off some of my things and pick up some of hers, and then a week after that she asked to stop by and pick up two bags of shrimp out of my freezer that were hers... it also bothered her a great deal to hear that I was going out with a girl that night for dinner (she didn't realize it was just a friend). She also expressed an interest in taking me out in Feb for a beer at a bar for my birthday (the same place and reason for our first "unofficial" date). For the rest of January after the break-up, I kept communication to a minimum and I only e-mailed responses and I only did it every 3 or 4 days, and she responded pretty much immediately, and I went a week and a half without contacting her, at this point she called many of our friends asking if they had heard from me, but not to tell me that she was asking around. Two weeks ago, while I was out of town, she called me after we texted for four hours, and I kept the mood light and she thanked for a solid 20 seconds for talking to her and she mentioned that beer again.

Well, we had that beer last week and I would say it was playful and light... I made her laugh the whole time, and she was flirting with me and touched me a few times on the head and shoulder and even tickled me... I had a hard time looking her in the eye and looking back, I was a little nervous - a friend of ours had told me that she had gone out with a guy a couple of times while I was out of town (which obviously bothered me) but that they were not going to be serious and that she wasn't attracted to him... she mentioned him at the bar, and said that they weren't doing any fooling around and that "he's nice enough, but there's just nothing there." As she had mentioned when we started dating, she said that she wasn't looking for anything serious.

I'm leaving a few details out, but I don't want to write a full sized book here. All of her friends support her, as they should, but none of them really agreed with what she had decided and no one was expecting a break-up. It's obvious she still cares about me, and has feelings for me... and I think that she broke up with me because she was afraid of going through another failed engagement again even though she knew I was not like her ex-fiancé and I would never intentionally hurt her... but I really don't know. She still has some pictures of me up in her room, and a picture of us kissing on a beach from the previous summer.

Honestly, I want us back and I want us to work to things out, but I know that it's not my place to ask her back, as I did that when we spoke right after the break-up... asking for ways that we could work things out and make some adjustments. I know I can't throw a stick around and things will be instantly better, but I'm not sure what to do. I want to keep the door open, but I don't want to put my whole life on hold while she figures things out.

What does this sound like to you ladies, and what should I do?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

My honest opinion is that you do deserve better. She is playing games with you and taking advantage of your adoration.


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## Kalden (Feb 28, 2011)

I suppose, and I would describe her as a flirty person, and very sexual in nature - mind you, I don't felt like she didn't cheat on me and she always came home to me... though there were times I felt she was going a little overboard, but I suppose it fed her ego a bit.

I'm just at ends as to what to do now... I mean, it's kind of hard seeing her facebook updates, knowing that she's off having fun without me, and the constant wondering of whether or not she actually loved me still keeps me up from time to time. 

A part of me really wants to sit her down and get answers, but I don't think she'll ever truly reveal everything... be it, either to save my feelings, or whatever.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Why are you looking for only ladies opinions on this?



> they 'met' online but didn't actually meet until after she broke up with her ex-fiancé... they've known each other for over 5 years and he was that friend that was there through the internet during her engagement problems).


So, she was previously cheating on her EX.....this is an emotional affair.

Also, she was cheating on you, that is why she broke it off with you. 

She could not give her heart 100% to you = she was giving her vagina to someone else.

Good riddance to a girl that just hasn't grown up yet.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I think you do deserve better. She got interested a bit again when you appeared to have somebody else in your life. 

I know right now you are hurting & believe nobody could be as wonderful as this girl. But someday you will meet the one that is right for you. 

You know that saying if you love somebody set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't they never were. 

Set her free, move on with your life. The very best of luck to you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Lots of red flags; she can't stand being alone (went right from one guy to the next, not even breaking off w/1 before starting up with the other). She wants the "honeymoon" stage but nothing else.

And you need to realize that the "instant connection" and great chemistry are not love. How can you love someone you don't know? You have to see someone in all sorts of situations to truly know them, and that takes a long time. You can really only know you love someone when you want to be with them even after the honeymoon phase (the exciting first months to about 18 months) is over. 

Let this girl go; she's not ready for a relationship and has a lot of maturing to do (if it ever happens). 

And next time, slow down. Don't jump to spending all your time with someone. Don't give up friends and individual interests, or even share them, just to spend more time together. Keep space for "you" carved out. When you find a woman who does the same, and is just as excited to see you as you are to see her when your busy, happy, INDIVIDUAL lives allow it, then you have a good woman on your hands. Move forward slowly; keep your own place and stay in it except on date nights, and let those increase only slowly. If you make it to 6 months seeing each other 2-3 times a week, you can feel more confident that you really have something to work with. Keep the space as best you can until at least a year has passed. Anyone who keeps pushing is too desperate and needy, and you really don't want to be someone's security blanket--you want to be the love of their life. Most of all, give yourself lots of time to be sure she is the love of YOUR life. Then be patient until enough time passes to confirm your feelings even though you've seen her sick, bored, devastated by loss, tempted by an easy buck, betrayed by a friend--the kinds of things that will reveal her character. Good luck.


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## Kalden (Feb 28, 2011)

Well, she met the friend online through a dating site before she and her ex-fiance were dating, they just never met up until she and her ex-fiance broke up; I know she really liked him and still calls him friend, even though I would call him shallow in a heartbeat. He moved to the other side of the country last... September? or so and she mentioned flying out to see him at some point in the future, which I immediately shot down.

And I know the guy she's been out with a few times since our break-up is a guy she 'met' at work... he comes and runs the park trails where she works and he had hit on her while we were dating, and before I left town in Jan, I had jokingly mentioned that she could start dating him... I guess she either had already planned to, or took that as permission. I don't know if they've fooled around, I'd like to believe her when she says that they haven't, but I know that ex's don't typically share information like that, especially if there are some feelings involved still.

I would agree that she still has growing up to do.

A buddy of mine just called me, and was saying that she talked to her girlfriends about the drinks we shared last week... now, I wasn't being malicious, and I guess you could say it was me acting like I was backed into a corner, but we burned each other a few times and we both poked fun at each other the whole night... but apparently she felt a bit more bothered by it than I was. I made a fat joke or two because she made a couple of jokes about me, and apparently it really hit her (yes, I know most women are conscious of their weight, and she's not fat by any means), but I always used to tell her that was beautiful and that she could weigh another 15 pounds or whatever and she'd still be beautiful to me - I guess she was looking for that same support again.


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## Kalden (Feb 28, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> And next time, slow down. Don't jump to spending all your time with someone. Don't give up friends and individual interests, or even share them, just to spend more time together. Keep space for "you" carved out. When you find a woman who does the same, and is just as excited to see you as you are to see her when your busy, happy, INDIVIDUAL lives allow it, then you have a good woman on your hands. Move forward slowly; keep your own place and stay in it except on date nights, and let those increase only slowly. If you make it to 6 months seeing each other 2-3 times a week, you can feel more confident that you really have something to work with. Keep the space as best you can until at least a year has passed. Anyone who keeps pushing is too desperate and needy, and you really don't want to be someone's security blanket--you want to be the love of their life. Most of all, give yourself lots of time to be sure she is the love of YOUR life. Then be patient until enough time passes to confirm your feelings even though you've seen her sick, bored, devastated by loss, tempted by an easy buck, betrayed by a friend--the kinds of things that will reveal her character. Good luck.


Well, I'm in the Navy and I deploy in May for 6 months, and since before we started dating, my ship would go out for anywhere between 11-32 days at a time, so we were forced to have our "individual" time, and she said that it sucked to see me go out to sea, but "absence makes the grow fonder and it did, because I was always super excited to see you come back... and I could do the deployment if my heart was in it, but it's simply not."


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