# I cheated and feel horrible!



## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

My husband is the best person in the entire world. I cheated on him about 6 months ago. I confessed it to him because the guilt was eating at me inside. First, I tried to blame him because he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and was out of town a lot for work. However, he has since changed. I guess I figured that feeling guilty would be better than feeling hurt but it is actually worse. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and really hate myself. I know it isn't healthy. We are going to couseling. We both agreed to let go of the past for our children and life we have created together. We have so much fun when we are both happy! I want to get back to that. I guess, I just want to know that I am doing the right things in order to fix my marriage. Any advice?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Stop making it all about you. And don't just 'let go of the past'. You guys have both cheated and unless you deal with that head on, your marriage won't survive. Not as a happy one anyway.

Read the newbie link in my signature for starters. And find a counselor who doesn't encourage rugsweeping.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

First piece of advice is forgetting notions about "going back to that". It can't. What is done is done and there is no 'redo' button. So you build on what is left and create a new relationship with him.

The next piece is you really, really need to figure out your 'why' and fix it. By default, you are going to want to blame him or shift some of it over onto him. That's the marriage issues; totally normal issues too.... But it had nothing to do with that other relationship; Your husband can not influence whom you like or don't like or whom you sleep with or not. All you, your choice and you need to figure out your own why before you can even really help him.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Stop making it all about you. And don't just 'let go of the past'. You guys have both cheated and unless you deal with that head on, your marriage won't survive. Not as a happy one anyway.
> 
> Read the newbie link in my signature for starters. And find a counselor who doesn't encourage rugsweeping.


Thank you. I will read that.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Racer said:


> First piece of advice is forgetting notions about "going back to that". It can't. What is done is done and there is no 'redo' button. So you build on what is left and create a new relationship with him.
> 
> The next piece is you really, really need to figure out your 'why' and fix it. By default, you are going to want to blame him or shift some of it over onto him. That's the marriage issues; totally normal issues too.... But it had nothing to do with that other relationship; Your husband can not influence whom you like or don't like or whom you sleep with or not. All you, your choice and you need to figure out your own why before you can even really help him.


I would NEVER "go back to that." I suppose I do need to do a little more reflecting to figure out why. Thanks for the advice! :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Drea83 said:


> My husband is the best person in the entire world. I cheated on him about 6 months ago. I confessed it to him because the guilt was eating at me inside. First, I tried to blame him because he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship and was out of town a lot for work. However, he has since changed. I guess I figured that feeling guilty would be better than feeling hurt but it is actually worse. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and really hate myself. I know it isn't healthy. We are going to couseling. We both agreed to let go of the past for our children and life we have created together. We have so much fun when we are both happy! I want to get back to that. I guess, I just want to know that I am doing the right things in order to fix my marriage. Any advice?


were you married when he cheated on you?


if not it don't count unless your vows ment nothing to you.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> were you married when he cheated on you?
> 
> 
> if not it don't count unless your vows ment nothing to you.


I can't disagree with this more. Vows are a public declaration of your commitment to each other. It counts as soon as two people agree to be exclusively committed to each other.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you had unprotected sex that you and your husband both need to be tested for STD's.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Realize that your marriage is changed forever. The trust that was there will never come back fully. It's a crappy thing to face but it is reality and the sooner you face it the more realistic version of a marriage going forward you will have.

Best of luck.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies. I wish I could write more to every single person, however, life stuff (such as kids, work, etc) keep me busy. I have realized a lot today and also that I need to face things more realistically. I am still in love with my husband and have 2 amazingly wonderful and amazing children. Also regular sex! Hehe... Although we both had protected sex, we did go through an STD screen and are both clean...thank god! My actions were childish but I am ready to do everything and anything possible for the man whom I married and miss everyday when we are apart.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Wanting1 said:


> I can't disagree with this more. Vows are a public declaration of your commitment to each other. It counts as soon as two people agree to be exclusively committed to each other.


I agree with you!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

As a betrayed husband in R, I would offer you this advice.

*Own what you did.*

You can be loving, kind, affectionate, sexual; all those things are great. But don't try to sweep this in the past. Discuss if he wants to, answer all his questions, and don't put a expiration date on your openness. 

Don't be afraid to admit your moral failure to close friends and family. Don't let things left unsaid be the elephant in the room.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

badmemory said:


> As a betrayed husband in R, I would offer you this advice.
> 
> *Own what you did.*
> 
> ...


It was a total failure on my part. Trying to learn how to cope without falling a part. Thanks for the advice.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Im glad you hated yourself for what you did. Now find out how to love yourself again. The reason I say that is you not be able to love your husband fully until you can love yourself first. I read that somewhere. It could be bs, but it makes sense to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

As a BS myself, if there's more affair activity than you've put here:

TELL HIM RIGHT NOW. 

Trickle truth does as much damage as the affair. Don't do it. Biggest mistake all wayward spouses do.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

give us a little more info so we can comment more intelligently. answer a few more of the questions that have alerady been put to you. e.g. you cheated on him recently, when he was your husband. he cheated on you before you were married, at the "beginning of the relationship." how close to the "beginning" were you guys, exactly? had he commited to you/you to him; were you engaged? how long was your affair? 

you're the first WS I've seen post here that seems to be "trickle truthing" the discussion board itself!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

You both have blood on your hands so I wouldn't recommend any games of oneupmanship. Like Hope said, ya'll need to deal with the cheating and specifically why you feel the need to look beyond your spouse.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> I agree with you!


Marriage is a more committed state of relationship than engagement. Engagement is more committed than exclusive dating. Exclusive dating is more committed than casual dating.

Lying and cheating are always wrong - always - but they are wronger once married and you have taken those vows.

It makes a big difference also if you found out that he cheated BEFORE you got married. If you only found out later, that would be getting married under false pretenses.

That said, it's not like you can ever forget that he cheated on you. But it is easier to forgive when it happens before marriage, rather than after it, all other things being equal.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> We both agreed to let go of the past.


You can't erase it from your memories. There always will be things that make you think about it. If you mean forgive and move on, yes, you can, but it doesn't ever go away completely.

As other have pointed out, you have to face the root causes and fix them. Hint: the root causes are inside you; it wasn't the other man and the way he acted and it wasn't your husband and the way he acted, it was how you ACTED in that situation, what forces were at play in your heart and in your head that let you take that course of action instead of a different, less damaging, hurtful path. 

Those answers help fix you, once fixed, you feel better and can move on with greater understanding and confidence and peace of mind.

Same goes for your husband's cheating.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> I just want to know that I am doing the right things in order to fix my marriage. Any advice?


Reconciliation is largely about re-establishing trust. I think love is easier to establish than trust. You probably loved each other, but still cheated, so love is necessary to reconcile but trust is a whole separate matter.

Trust can be rebuilt. First fix the "why." Some other things you can do to rebuild trust - share all passwords, all devices, no secrets. Block other man from facebook. Block his email. Block his phone number. Better yet, delete facebook, share one single email account between you and your husband (use your husband's), and change your phone number. Handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man stating that you are horribly ashamed of hurting your husband, you love your husband more than anything in the world, and if other man ever tries to contact you again, you will file harassment charges against him. Put no niceties or terms of endearment in the letter - handwritten on paper with your signature - and give to your husband to read, make a copy, and mail via certified mail to other man.

If other man's wife doesn't know, ask your husband to tell her.

Take any clothes or gifts given to you by other man or that you wore for other man - lingerie, shoes, whatever - and burn them in the backyard.

Ask your husband if he is feeling okay from time to time - don't always wait until he brings it up; apologize proactively, start with once or twice a day and let him tell you to stop doing it so often when he is ready.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who did you cheat with ? How long did you cheat ?


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> give us a little more info so we can comment more intelligently. answer a few more of the questions that have alerady been put to you. e.g. you cheated on him recently, when he was your husband. he cheated on you before you were married, at the "beginning of the relationship." how close to the "beginning" were you guys, exactly? had he commited to you/you to him; were you engaged? how long was your affair?
> 
> you're the first WS I've seen post here that seems to be "trickle truthing" the discussion board itself!


Yes, you are correct. I have not gone into detail about OM. Here it goes:

When H and I first started dating, we *immediately fell in love. We had SOOO much in common and I was so attracted to him. I was hesitant to be in a relationship because I wanted to protect my oldest daughter. She is not his. Due to the fact that I was already in love with him, we started dating. He immediately asked for a true commitment. I met his family and all of his friends within weeks of this "true commitment." *I assumed this meant, he would be committed. He asked me to move in very soon. I have worked hard on my career and had a great job. I had raised my oldest child on my own. She was 7 at the time. She is 12 now. I told him that I was not looking to just find a dad for my daughter and loved him so wanted to try my best at our relationship. He said he loved me and simply wanted to share his life with me so we moved in together. *

We got engaged a year later, bought a nice house and were happy (so I thought). Three months into our engagement, I threw the most amazing birthday party for him. It was a surprise party with all of our friends and family. I baked a really unique cake that I worked so hard on and made tons of food and snacks. We had a few friends who spent the night because they had a little too much to drink. We were not able to accommodate everyone so I decided to call *a cab for a few people, however, with all of the commotion, I had lost track of my phone so decided to borrow his. He was sleeping . I decided not to wake him. It was his day! This is when I noticed flirty messages from a co-worker. He admitted he *had feeling for her. This was devastating but I forgave him. Three months later, I found a picture on our computer with another girl (not the one he was previously flirting with). He admitted he had cheated on me when he went out of town 2 months into our relationship. Again, he had already asked for a true commitment. I told him I would forgive him and truly thought I would. A month later, something snapped when I found that he had never deleted the picture of his other girl. I broke down into tears I left him. I just couldn't deal with the infidelity and was doubting whether he actually loved me or was just a "trophy wife." I needed time to reflect. This is when this affair started. Although we were broken up at the time, I had started my own flirting with a co-worker who I knew was into me. I had previously turned down his previous invitations to lunch, happy hour, and ignored inappropriate e-mails. However, I accepted while H and I were broken up. H begged to come back. I truly love him so I ended the this other relationship. OM and I had only spelt together once during the time H and I were broken up. It was easy for me to end it with OM because I didn't have true *feelings for him.

A few years later, we got married. It was a beautiful wedding. Something that I still to this day think about daily. I ended up pregnant shortly after the wedding. We were so happy to have a baby. H was offered a transfer out of state making more money so we moved across the country. I left my friends, family, and job behind. We sold the house we had worked so hard to buy. I was happy to do this for him and my family. I do not regret this at all. H had to travel put of state a lot due to him still working on some training for work. *The baby was only 1 month old and I was dealing with postpartum depression. H was out of town and I called him because I missed him and was totally alone. No friends or family in this new city. Also, pretty broke due to the move and me not working. He was out to lunch with an ex. This made me snap again. I now realize that I still had trust issues with him. He told me nothing happened and I do truly believed him but it still really bothered me because I was so alone and he is having lunch with an ex. He would have been upset if I was out to lunch with an ex.

Still struggling with postpartum depression a month later, and obviously some resentment, I called OM during H next trip. Now that I think back, I was afraid to call H to possibly find out he was at lunch or seeing another girl. I now realize I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and my decision to call OM was unacceptable. *OM was in town that weekend so I made the horrible mistake of inviting him over. We had not talked in several years so we caught up with a bottle of wine. This is when I cheated. A month later, I confessed to H. The guilt was eating me inside. I do not speak to OM. He is not on my facebook. I changed my number as soon as I confessed. We tried to work things out on our own at first but realized that we needed professional help. We had started to fight a lot and know it's not healthy for our children, marriage or recovery.

I can truly say that I feel horrible but I am working on getting it together in order to fix this marriage. I do know that he is as well. He is a wonderful and loving husband. He makes me laugh and smile daily and does little things like bringing me treats and flowers. Since we got married, he has been amazing so it was incredibly STUPID on my part to cheat. I am owning up to my mistake. I realize this will never be the same but I believe *we can be happy again. I don't want to sweep things under the rug at all. I want to face this horrible mistake that I made. We have only been to a few therapy sessions so we are both still learning how to deal with things. We had a very healthy conversation last night where I offered to give him details, answer questions, and make agreements. I know it was difficult for him but he did ask questions. His fear is that I am having an affair and lying about it only being a 1 time thing. I accepted what he had to say. I would feel the same and obviously have. I offered to do anything possible to assure and prove that I am not having an affair. I think this is a start in the right direction.

Thank you for those of you who have posted. Sorry this is so long. I had a lot of work yesterday but wanted to reach out to people who have been on both sides of the spectrum.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Did I read this correctly in that you had sex in your home that you share with your husband? This would have to be a deal breaker for most men. There is great symbolism of screwing another man in your home when your husband is away. It shows tremendous disrespect, humiliation and anger toward your husband. I am hoping that you did not have sex in your marital bed.

I am sorry but how is a husband able to trust and respect a wife that would invite another man to his home to have sex with when he is out of town? This is huge. This is way more than a stupid mistake. You humiliated your husband on multiple levels and now he does not feel safe in his own home. How is supposed to feel when he is in his home knowing what when on? The home is the place where you are to feel secure. You destroyed that. I am hoping that you will say that you did not have sex in the home.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

awake1 said:


> As a BS myself, if there's more affair activity than you've put here:
> 
> TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.
> 
> Trickle truth does as much damage as the affair. Don't do it. Biggest mistake all wayward spouses do.


There was not any further activity after the one instance. Once I confessed, I deleted the number of the OM and changed mine. He was never on my facebook so I do not have contact with him at all. Although he may doubt me, I have offered all of my passwords to my e-mail, facebook, voicemail, etc.

When I cheated, I did not intend to do so. I was not talking to the OM. I had not seen or talked to him in years. There was a conference in town that weekend and I simply assumed he would be in town. H was out of town that weekend. I now realize that i was holding on to some resentment about H cheating on me in the past. I made a horrible mistake and reallze that trying to justify it is simply unacceptable. I could have simply not called at all.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

So my understanding is you slept with this man twice right?
You said that your intention was not to cheat, but didn't you know that it could head that way with inviting a man over and drinking being involved?
Deep down you knew what could happen.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Your story is full of holes! 
1. You moved cross country. 
2. Your husband was out of town(how convenient)
3. You called your affair partner(still have phone number?)
4. Your affair partner "just happened to be in town". What a coincidence!
5. YOU invited him over to your house!

And yet you say you had no intention to cheat?
Please....you made a it happen!!! Just admit it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> So my understanding is you slept with this man twice right?
> You said that your intention was not to cheat, but didn't you know that it could head that way with inviting a man over and drinking being involved?
> Deep down you knew what could happen.


As I am learning to be more realistic, I suppose I did know what could happen that night. I did not call him over to cheat but I should have thought more about what could have happend and did.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Drea83 said:


> As I am learning to be more realistic, I suppose I did know what could happen that night.* I did not call him over to cheat* but I should have thought more about what could have happend and did.


Sorry, going to throw the flag on this. You invited the OM over, had a bottle of wine etc, plus alone in your husband's home. You made a conscious choice to do this. Quit TT

The realization of what occurred and what you did, did not hit you until it was over.

You need to now commit to your husband and if you did it in your husband's bed get rid of it and anything else your husband can connect with that.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Your story is full of holes!
> 1. You moved cross country.
> 2. Your husband was out of town(how convenient)
> 3. You called your affair partner(still have phone number?)
> ...


1. I moved 4 states away. I am from CA and we moved to TX.
2. My was out of town and I was feeling alone and holding on to resentment about his cheating. I realize I was wrong to be in that mentality.
3. I said affair about the OM but when we previously had a relationship, my husband (fiancee at time time) and I were broken up. I ended things with him when my husband (fiancee at the time) got back together.
4. The OM was in town due to a conference which I was attending as well. We worked together for over 10 years so I assumed he would be in town.
5. I still had his number because we share a lot of work related contacts. I suppose I could have deleted it but because I had not cheated on my husband yet, I kept it for work related stuff. I was looking at going back to work at the time. I have since deleted it.
6. I am learning to me more honest with myself. I can admit that I 
knew what could have happend by inviting him over. 
7. OM has family in town, specifically his cousin. Her and I went to college together and have also worked together. We are close but I had no idea she lived in the same city. She had recently moved and I dont Facebook much so I was not aware she had moved.
8. She babysat and we got a hotel room. It was totally irresponsible, wrong, horrible, terrible, and simply unacceptable. 
9. Altough it was a little difficult to remove herr from my life, I have since realized she was a connection to him and I have removed her from my life as well.

I can't change the past. I can only take ownership of what I did to my marriage. My H is willing to work on things and I am being completly honest with him. I have offerred all of my passwords and I am willing to do anything possible to assure him that I am regretful for hurting him, our life, and family. If that means checking in with him every hour or putting up a "nanny cam'" I would do it. I think he sees how sorry I am and he is not perfect himself. We are doing a lot better since we startted couseling and I started being more truthful with myself. 

Thanks for the post.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Did I read this correctly in that you had sex in your home that you share with your husband? This would have to be a deal breaker for most men. There is great symbolism of screwing another man in your home when your husband is away. It shows tremendous disrespect, humiliation and anger toward your husband. I am hoping that you did not have sex in your marital bed.
> 
> I am sorry but how is a husband able to trust and respect a wife that would invite another man to his home to have sex with when he is out of town? This is huge. This is way more than a stupid mistake. You humiliated your husband on multiple levels and now he does not feel safe in his own home. How is supposed to feel when he is in his home knowing what when on? The home is the place where you are to feel secure. You destroyed that. I am hoping that you will say that you did not have sex in the home.


i did not cheat in my home. I did invite him over and it was a horrible, disrespectful, terrible, and simply unacceptable action. OM has family in town, specifically his cousin. Her and I went to college together and have also worked together. We are close but I had no idea she lived in the same city. She had recently moved and I dont Facebook much so I was not aware she had moved. She babysat and we got a hotel room. Altough it was a little difficult to remove herr from my life, I have since realized she was a connection to him and I have removed her from my life as well.

I can't change the past. I can only take ownership of what I did to my marriage. I realize he will have trust issues. I feel horrible for what I did to him and our family. We both made mistakes and are both working really hard to fix it. We are both strong people and I am am truly confident we can get through this. I have known people who had infidelity issues early in their marriage. Specifically previous co-workers and now are the cutest couple ever! They have been married for 38 years. It is possible to get throgh infidelity as long as it stops. No excuses. Take responsibility. Get professional help. Grieve. Cope and learn how to move forward once both people are ready. That is so far what I have learned.


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## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

The part that bothers me is the fact that you got his sister to babysit while you both went to a hotel. There is no way you get a hotel without knowing what's going to happen. You may not have spent months planning the cheating but it didn't just happen. The two of you planned. The moment his sister arrived, you were actively planning to cheat.

btw, I may be alone in this but I don't really consider cheating 2 months into a relationship the same as premeditated cheating in a marriage. Might be because I don't consider relationships serious before the 3 month mark.

In any case, Since you've both cheated, you'll both have an understanding of what the other person is going through. This may make R easier. 

Good luck!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You got a hotel room and you previously said you did not intend to cheat???????

Boy are you TTing!!!!


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

ceejay93 said:


> The part that bothers me is the fact that you got his sister to babysit while you both went to a hotel. There is no way you get a hotel without knowing what's going to happen. You may not have spent months planning the cheating but it didn't just happen. The two of you planned. The moment his sister arrived, you were actively planning to cheat.
> 
> btw, I may be alone in this but I don't really consider cheating 2 months into a relationship the same as premeditated cheating in a marriage. Might be because I don't consider relationships serious before the 3 month mark.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I suppose you are right. At the time "the act" happened, it was planned. This was after some wiine and spending some time with his cousin. I could have worded things differently but what I meant when I said "I did not intend to cheat" meant that I did not call him over and say "hey lets have sex." However, reflecting on my actions, I can admit that I knew it was possible. 

Also, when my H (fiancee at the time) cheated, we were already living together and were in a fully commited relationship. Meaning I made him breakfast, lunch, dinner, did his laundry, and sharing rent. I know it's irrelevent but I felt the need to say that it was a SUPER serious relationship. This is something I may have to talk about in counselling but I think we rushed into things too soon into the relationship. I did try to spend a little more time thinking about things but he tried and tried. I assumed he was really serious about being commited. I made a mistake, not by loving him, but for not taking more time. We were both still in our earlly 20's so we made bad decisions when it came to relationsips. I had a baby at 17 and he had not been in a serious relationship since high school. We are obviously seeing the results of not thinking things through completely.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> You got a hotel room and you previously said you did not intend to cheat???????
> 
> Boy are you TTing!!!!


I suppose you are right. At the time "the act" happened, it was planned. This was after some wine and spending some time with his cousin. I could have worded things differently but what I meant when I said "I did not intend to cheat" meant that I did not call the OM over and say "hey lets have sex." However, reflecting on my actions, I can admit that I knew it was possible.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you for admitting the truth, although I think you still have a ways to get there. I think most WS's have a hard time admitting to themselves, let alone the BS, why they did what they did. My husband went to a hotel to meet a 'model' in the lobby bar, knowing she had a room upstairs and after having paid a sex escort agency to meet her, and STILL claimed he didn't go there intending to have sex with her. He said he was going to just see what happened.  (he never got the chance to find out, as he was being scammed, but that's a whole nother story)


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Good for you for admitting the truth, although I think you still have a ways to get there. I think most WS's have a hard time admitting to themselves, let alone the BS, why they did what they did. My husband went to a hotel to meet a 'model' in the lobby bar, knowing she had a room upstairs and after having paid a sex escort agency to meet her, and STILL claimed he didn't go there intending to have sex with her. He said he was going to just see what happened.  (he never got the chance to find out, as he was being scammed, but that's a whole nother story)


Thanks. I am trying really hard. I belive everyday I make progress. I turely love my husband and don't want to lose him. How long ago did this happen with your husband? Do you feel like you are making progress by sharing on this site? My first post was yesterday. 

I took the day off from work today to go to another couseling session. Altoiugh this wont fix anything immediatly, I am trying my best to do whatever is possible to fix my mentalatily which will lead to fixing my marriage.We actually havent been fighting lately. At first I feel it was due to "sweeping things under the rug" but we have had really deep conversations about the distructive actions that have occured. We have been laughing, crying, sweating, but also holding hands almost everymoment we share together. Also, we have been making it a habit to say something nice to each other when we have negative thoughts. Not because we have to but because we truly feel that way. An example is me saying "you look cute today," or him saying " I realize you hate internet lingo but I less than three you" -->> <3 = less than three! hehe....


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> I less than three you" -->> <3 = less than three! hehe....


Less than 3. The numbers less than 3 are 2 and 1

1= Loving yourself because if you can't love yourself..it will be hard loving someone else

2= The two of you loving each other and only each other as a couple.

There is never any room for a 3rd party..So less than 3 means more than you know.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Less than 3. The numbers less than 3 are 2 and 1
> 
> 1= Loving yourself because if you can't love yourself..it will be hard loving someone else
> 
> ...


1. I don't think you understud the gist of the joke 1 <3 is a basic elementeray math interval. It was not a literal basic math equation. If you look at the <3 and turn your head to the right, it looks like a heart. As such, I <3 you = I love you. We have both seen this floating around on the internet and although I hate it, it's cute.

2. I realize there is no place for a 3rd person. All of my posts are related to me trying to make changes, not staying in the same situation. This means not having that other person around. 

Thanks for the post.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> 1. I don't think you understud the gist of the joke 1 <3 is a basic elementeray math interval. It was not a literal basic math equation. If you look at the <3 and turn your head to the right, it looks like a heart. As such, I <3 you = I love you. We have both seen this floating around on the internet and although I hate it, it's cute.
> 
> 2. I realize there is no place for a 3rd person. All of my posts are related to me trying to make changes, not staying in the same situation. This means not having that other person around.
> 
> Thanks for the post.


lol..i know it looks like a heart.. The part about the 3 rd person was meant in general..not at you specifically


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Less than 3. The numbers less than 3 are 2 and 1
> 
> 1= Loving yourself because if you can't love yourself..it will be hard loving someone else
> 
> ...


i
I should clarify that I don't hate it when my husband does it. I think it's cute.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Ok, I thiink I have been on this site all morning. I really appreciate everyone's input and advice. They have all made me reflect on this a littlle differently than I was previously doing. H and I are off to couseling and I hope it is a successfful session. Eventually, my H and I will get to the point where we should be given the circumstances. I realize things will never go back to normal but normality is a subjective term. We can find our own way to be normal as long as we are both on the same page and learn from the disructive occurances in our relationship. It will take time but I am confident we will get there. Please wish us luck!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Good luck!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

ceejay93 said:


> The part that bothers me is the fact that you got his sister to babysit while you both went to a hotel. There is no way you get a hotel without knowing what's going to happen. You may not have spent months planning the cheating but it didn't just happen. The two of you planned. The moment his sister arrived, you were actively planning to cheat.
> 
> btw, I may be alone in this but I don't really consider cheating 2 months into a relationship the same as premeditated cheating in a marriage. Might be because I don't consider relationships serious before the 3 month mark.
> 
> ...


This bother´s me more.How are you really close to some one?
when you don´t ,as you claim,even know they live in the same town??

Not being on Facebook???:scratchhead: There was i time we managed with out it.The reason i´m confused..
OM has family in town, specifically his cousin. Her and I went to college together and have also worked together. We are close but I had no idea she lived in the same city. She had recently moved and I dont Facebook much so I was not aware she had moved.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Jonesey said:


> This bother´s me more.How are you really close to some one?
> when you don´t ,as you claim,even know they live in the same town??
> 
> Not being on Facebook???:scratchhead: There was i time we managed with out it.The reason i´m confused..
> OM has family in town, specifically his cousin. Her and I went to college together and have also worked together. We are close but I had no idea she lived in the same city. She had recently moved and I dont Facebook much so I was not aware she had moved.


It is possible I am a horrible friend as well. My parents were in the military and we moved around A LOT so it's easy for me to lose touch with friends since I had to say goodbye to MANY friends growing up. However, I have friends whom I don't talk to for years AND they are still amazing friends. Friends who I talk to every few months (sometimes years) and we come together for something great. Sometimes when you start a "new life", you lose touch with friends. Her and I both graduadated together, started our careers, got married, and had kids- moved away as well. We lost touch for awhile but we are close. I have a huge family and an incredible amount of friends. I don't Facebook too often-TRUE! It distracts me from other obligations such as work, homework, taking care of my girls, laundry, dinner, paying biills, cleaning, grocery shopping, PTA meetings, P/T conferences, etc. When I get on FB, I usually end up going through old posts and then trying to respond to them. I feel a little childish being on FB when my own child (she is 12) is on FB. I would have kept in touch with her a little more if it were not for all of he changes and obligations in our lives. HOWEVER, it is totally irrelevent to everything else that occured. I realize, I should have NEVER done what I did and that my family was more important than a night with an old friend and ex-lover. I wanted to feel impowered by being witth OM but it totally failed. It was obviously a wrong mentality! As such, I am trying to changem by doing everything possible to regain the marriage, face things head on, learn from my STUPID mistakes, admit what I did wrong, talk about my previous resentments, talk about family, talk about our future, etc. It has been going incredicle. Counseling has helped. It sometimes makes makes me feel horrible when I talk about what I did and why I did it but also hopeful that things will get better. The reason being: We both made mistakes and are both trying.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Hope the counseling session goes well. Good luck.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Drea:

I'm intrigued by your story. some things occurr to me but before I offer up I'd like to clarify on a few things:

1. when you guys were together, before marriage, he cheated, you moved out. did you tell him "we're through!" or "we need to separate and consider what we're doing etc"

2. does he know that you hooked up sexually with this guy when you guys were on this "break"?

3. on your recent infidelity, you needed a babysitter to go to a hotel, does that mean your kids were home when the OM came over to your house? were both home (12 yo and your small child)?
did they meet the OM?


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Drea:
> 
> I'm intrigued by your story. some things occurr to me but before I offer up I'd like to clarify on a few things:
> 
> ...


Thank considering offering your advice. I appreciate all the advice I can get.

1. When I moved out, I told him we were through. I literally uttered the words "WE ARE THROUGH AND YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT." I needed him away from mine and my daughter's life to reflect on myself. He begged me to come back after about a month.*He also had another relationship during tha time. It is irrelavent so I do not care about details.

2. He does know I had a brief relationship with this guy while we were on break. When we got back together, we both asked those questions.

3. My oldest daughter knows OM already because OM and I have known each other for over 10 years. She was happy to see him. Due to our jobs, we sometimes meet celebrities so she was happy to hear stories about the recent celebrities has met. She didn't think of it as weird. To her, it was like a friend coming over. Since OM and I worked together for so long, we have attended several co workers kid's birthday parties, weddings, funerals, BBQs, work functions, etc. This is how she knows him. Cousin called because she was having a BBQ so we all went to her place. Her and I chatted for HOURS. Finally, when it was bedtime for the kids, cousin offered the extra bedroom so I would not have to drive back so late. It was then that OM and I actually had a conversation about us. This is when we decided to get a hotel. I was feeling endorphins from being happy and around people I know. Again, I had been away from all friends and family for awhile and had been feeling alone, depressed, abandoned,and a little buzzed from the wine. No excuse for cheating but that is how I was feeling at the time. **


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'm glad to see that you were honest with your h and that you are posting here. I hope you are truly remorseful and are taking positive steps to improve yourself. 

I guess I'm still stuck on why you reached out to this guy in the first place with your shared sexual history. a little wine and you needed a hotel room as soon as you found a sitter for your child. It just seems like you got what you wanted and were seeking 

You kept track of e vents enough to to know when he would be near you
You found out when he would be there and h wouldn't
You contacted OM 
You in invited him back into your life
You decided to drink with him. 
You took fast advantage of an offer to watch your child
You willingly went to the hotel
You knew what would happen there 
You went through with it. 

Where am I getting this wrong? 

I'm not trying to be harsh. Just trying to figure out your perspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

workindad said:


> I'm glad to see that you were honest with your h and that you are posting here. I hope you are truly remorseful and are taking positive steps to improve yourself.
> 
> I guess I'm still stuck on why you reached out to this guy in the first place with your shared sexual history. a little wine and you needed a hotel room as soon as you found a sitter for your child. It just seems like you got what you wanted and were seeking
> 
> ...


I think you got the gist of it. I obviously was "trying" to get back at my H for leaving me alone to fend for myself immediatly after giving birth to our child. I thought I was being supporitve of his career but now realize that I should have asked him to stay. After realizing that my H was having lunch with an ex out of town and my daughter and I were eating ramen noddeles to support him, something snapped. 

Every post on here makes me be a litle more honest with myself. I can try to justify why I called OM but there is no justification. I obvioiusly knew he would be in town and something could possibly happen.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

So you were lashing out at your h and punsihing him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Honestly, I think so. 

I want to change that mentality but I also need to realize why I did what I did. So thank you for asking the questions I need to be asking myself to myself.

I am being totally honest on this site.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> I thought I was being supporitve of his career but now realize that I should have asked him to stay. After realizing that my H was having lunch with an ex out of town and my daughter and I were eating ramen noddeles to support him, something snapped.


Interesting insights.

We have read several WW in the past few days/weeks that blame their husband's career for their choice to cheat. 

It sounds like you were pulling a classic sh!t test, and he failed. Instead of being honest in wanting him to stay, you wanted to let him choose. He chose poorly, and you were upset.

I get the having lunch with an ex issue. That sux. Lunch is not nearly as bad as an A, as you know.

Eating ramen noodles? Were ya broke? No access to joint funds? Was he controlling the money?

He did some disrespectful things, and you retaliated with hell fire.

Not trying to pick at you. I realize you are really feeling badly. Just wanted to break it down for you and other readers to see how we sometimes make life altering decisions based on petty, emotional things.

Glad you are being honest here. It is refreshing to hear a WS being able to analyse their issues, and try to understand why they did their deed.

Hope you continue to work on yourself, and healing your husband.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Interesting insights.
> 
> We have read several WW in the past few days/weeks that blame their husband's career for their choice to cheat.
> 
> ...


I did come back with fire and thunder- like Thor! I also can accept the HORRIBLE mistakes I made. I just want to make this right.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Thor did not have the ability for fire...But I digress, I am am 80" child and LOVE the 80 's.....I think i am digressing from the issue at hand.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Interesting insights.
> 
> We have read several WW in the past few days/weeks that blame their husband's career for their choice to cheat.
> 
> ...


I havent read all posts, maybe I missed something. Not condoning infidelity by any means, no excuse, get out if your not happy and nothing you do works to make things better.

I've read about sh*it tests and never really saw it. This I see, the man has his wife and kid eating rahman noodles while he goes out to eat with an ex? she gave him the choice to go or stay and he chose wrong but its her fault for not being honest? He gave his truth in his choice. Would it matter if he stayed home even though he really wanted to be out withy the ex? Afterall, that was his choice. Please explain? How is this a **** test? Where is this petty? If this is what is considered a sh*t test, I say its completely valid and perfectly named. The fail is extremely noteworthy to say the least. Maybe somebody needs to break it down for you...


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

inarut said:


> I havent read all posts, maybe I missed something. Not condoning infidelity by any means, no excuse, get out if your not happy and nothing you do works to make things better.
> 
> I've read about sh*it tests and never really saw it. This I see, the man has his wife and kid eating rahman noodles while he goes out to eat with an ex? she gave him the choice to go or stay and he chose wrong but its her fault for not being honest? He gave his truth in his choice. Would it matter if he stayed home even though he really wanted to be out withy the ex? Afterall, that was his choice. Please explain? How is this a **** test? Where is this petty? If this is what is considered a sh*t test, I say its completely valid and perfectly named. The fail is extremely noteworthy to say the least. Maybe somebody needs to break it down for you...


I have been avoiding this post because I needed to really reflect on what was going on. I made a childish and stupid move. I did wanted him to stay but I also wanted to be supportive of his career. If he would have stayed, we would have watched A Netflix movie, played board games, laughed sooo much (he is funny), some art work, ordered pizza, etc. it would have been a memorable and amazing family night. Due to the conditions of his employment, he/we had to pay for all of his trips. We were sooo broke at the time. Our house was still up for sale and we had just spent our savings on our new home, the move, the baby, etc. we are still in our 20's so we did not have a lot in savings. I was also not working at the time because of maternity leave. since I had left my job to move, I was not paid for my leave. When HE asked me to have a baby, he promised me a year to stay at home with the baby. This was a great thing since i had been working my butt off since i was 15! I had to return to work because he couldn't keep the promise allowing me to stay home with the baby. I raised my 12 year old alone for 7 years with no outside financial help- no welfare, no debt (other than student loans for school), no loans, etc. I was feelings depressed and abandoned that night. I wanted my girls to have fun. They did. I made a stupid mistake for wanting to be with OM. Again, I was feeling abandoned and resentful and OM had been trying for sooooo long to be with me made. H had made tons of promises but we were stugguling so much. Instead of being appreciative, he took out an ex to lunch and drinks! I really felt close to OM that night. I really wanted to be with him and everything just fell into place. We had a sitter. H was away. It seemed perfect at the time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like BOTH of you would benefit from a lot of therapy - apart and together.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> It sounds like BOTH of you would benefit from a lot of therapy - apart and together.


Thanks. You are right. We are both doing individual therapy and couples therapy. I know we have a long way to go but I think we can get there.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Do you really want to stay married to this man? Think hard before answering that question. Do you stay with your husband because you are afraid to move on into a better life, possibly without him? It sounds like he has spent most of your marriage floundering through bad employment. What kind if company makes an employee pay their own travel expenses? That is insane. No wonder you were harboring anger. I'd be pissed too if my spouse had a job who's net salary was $0.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

I may just be defending him but I love him soooo much. He makes me laugh and smile daily. A condition of his employment was for him to finish his degree. That is why he/we had to pay for his work-related expenses. I finished my degree (as a single mother) soooo long ago so I was simply trying to be a supportive wife. We love each other and hope to think he would do the same if the situation were reversed. It is still no excuse for what i did. However, I will think about your post a litte more before I can make a true statement.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Do you really want to stay married to this man? Think hard before answering that question. Do you stay with your husband because you are afraid to move on into a better life, possibly without him? It sounds like he has spent most of your marriage floundering through bad employment. What kind if company makes an employee pay their own travel expenses? That is insane. No wonder you were harboring anger. I'd be pissed too if my spouse had a job who's net salary was $0.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I may just be defending him but I love him soooo much. He makes me laugh and smile daily. A condition of his employment was for him to finish his degree. That is why he/we had to pay for his work-related expenses. I finished my degree (as a single mother) soooo long ago so I was simply trying to be a supportive wife. We love each other and hope to think he would do the same if the situation were reversed. It is still no excuse for what i did. However, I will think about your post a litte more before I can make a true statement.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

It takes more than love to make marriage. Love is the mortar, but you have to have the basic building blocks to create the building. Shared religious beliefs, common financial goals, common interests, similar political views, compatible temperaments, similar visions about life and children..... Oh and there is these things called boundaries that neither you or your husband seem to have defined between you. Oh an honesty? That's a big one too. Have you and your husband been honest with each other about what you expect out of this marriage? Sounds like you haven't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

LostViking said:


> It takes more than love to make marriage. Love is the mortar, but you have to have the basic building blocks to create the building. Shared religious beliefs, common financial goals, common interests, similar political views, compatible temperaments, similar visions about life and children..... Oh and there is these things called boundaries that neither you or your husband seem to have defined between you. Oh an honesty? That's a big one too. Have you and your husband been honest with each other about what you expect out of this marriage? Sounds like you haven't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That makes a lot of sense! We have everything in common. It is sometimes annoying because it feels like we are in love with ourselves..lol... We have the same religious beliefs, common life goals, parenting methods, taste in music, political views, movies, etc. I guess we just did not completely talk about boundaries since we rushed into this relationship. I am truly soooo regretful for what I did and I hope I am doing everything possible to fix this. Thank you!


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Drea83 said:


> I may just be defending him but I love him soooo much. He makes me laugh and smile daily. A condition of his employment was for him to finish his degree. That is why he/we had to pay for his work-related expenses. I finished my degree (as a single mother) soooo long ago so I was simply trying to be a supportive wife. We love each other and hope to think he would do the same if the situation were reversed. It is still no excuse for what i did. However, I will think about your post a litte more before I can make a true statement.


I thought about your queston a lot yesterday. I will support him in his career endeavors because I love him, want our family to succeed, and belive he would do the same for me. I was lucky enough to have earned several scholarships while attending college but I know it can be tough to get through school and land a good job. He has since completed his educational pursuits. I feel rewarded that we all worked together as a family. We made many mistakes a long the way but we can now reflect on our mistakes. If you have any other questions to offer, I would love to reflect on them so please keep posting.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

LostViking said:


> It takes more than love to make marriage. Love is the mortar, but you have to have the basic building blocks to create the building. Shared religious beliefs, common financial goals, common interests, similar political views, compatible temperaments, similar visions about life and children..... Oh and there is these things called boundaries that neither you or your husband seem to have defined between you. Oh an honesty? That's a big one too. Have you and your husband been honest with each other about what you expect out of this marriage? Sounds like you haven't.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We do have different temperaments but it doesn't seem to affect us very much because we level each other out. I am intense and he is calm and collected. When we disagree, we can talk without always yelling at each other. I don't think we have ever done that- maybe a few times. We fight in a contrictive manner- I think. I dont think the girls have ever heard us fight. We can't have everthing in common but I get what are suggesting. I will reflect on this post a bit more also to make sure I am being truthful with myself of just defending certain incorrect actions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you guys in MC?


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> Are you guys in MC?


Yes, we have only been to a few sessions. We are both doing individual couseling and couples.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Drea83 are you physically attracted to your husband? Are you sexually attracted to him? Or has he let himself go and is no longer attractive? 

Was the OM more handsome, more attractive, better in bed than your husband? These are legitimate questions on your husband's mind and you need to be prepared with an honest answer. It may be that you love your husband as a friend and provider but you were sexually more attracted to your affair partner. Have you asked yourself this tough question? 

Did you do things sexually with the OM that you would never think of doing with your husband, or did you do things for him sexually that you normally refuse to do with your spouse?


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

I have thought about those questions already because I have been trying to evaluate the relationship. H is waaaay more attractive. He is like a Mike Herrera where as OM is like an Opie. H and I have hot hot sex. OM and I had pretty boring sex. It was plain. Penis size- H has a bigger one. H has let himself go a little but not nearly to the extent that most men do. I am still really attracted to him.*

The things I do with my H, are ONLY things I would do with someone I am married to. The reason OM and I hooked up is because I had resentment built up. I don't think I can talk about this with H yet. I feel he won't believe me. I am getting there but I am not there yet.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

inarut said:


> I havent read all posts, maybe I missed something. Not condoning infidelity by any means, no excuse, get out if your not happy and nothing you do works to make things better.
> 
> I've read about sh*it tests and never really saw it. This I see, the man has his wife and kid eating rahman noodles while he goes out to eat with an ex? *she gave him the choice *to go or stay and he chose wrong but its her fault for not being honest? He gave his truth in his choice. Would it matter if he stayed home even though he really wanted to be out withy the ex? Afterall, that was his choice. Please explain? How is this a **** test? Where is this petty? If this is what is considered a sh*t test, I say its completely valid and perfectly named. The fail is extremely noteworthy to say the least. Maybe somebody needs to break it down for you...



Not to threadjack, but the point of my post was that she didn't make in clear that she expected him to stay home. Not defending his poor choice to go, or to have fun at his wife's expense. Just the way I interpreted her prior comments. May or may not be true.

It seems pretty common on these boards and in general that men and women communicate very differently in relationships. Men tend to be direct and concrete, while women are subtle and abstract. Many times we (men) find ourselves in trouble when we do not understand the choices our wives give us. We fail the sh!t tests.

Just sounded like he failed a big test. His choice was VERY BAD. I would think that the "choice" highlighted above would constitute a test, IMO.

Not her fault for being honest. Her fault was in deciding to have an affair. My purpose of pointing out the decision making process was to help her see how her anger lead to cheating.

Thanks inarut. The post may have been confusing the way I wrote it. I am sure others were also scratching their heads wondering what I was saying.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> I have thought about those questions already because I have been trying to evaluate the relationship. H is waaaay more attractive. He is like a Mike Herrera where as OM is like an Opie. H and I have hot hot sex. OM and I had pretty boring sex. It was plain. Penis size- H has a bigger one. H has let himself go a little but not nearly to the extent that most men do. I am still really attracted to him.*
> 
> The things I do with my H, are ONLY things I would do with someone I am married to. The reason OM and I hooked up is because I had resentment built up.* I don't think I can talk about this with H yet. I feel he won't believe me. I am getting there but I am not there yet*.


Time has nothing to do with giving him details If he wants them. The sooner you give them the better it will be. If the details are the truth then time will prove that.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Time has nothing to with giving him details If he wants them. The sooner you give them the better it will be. If the details are the truth then time will prove that.


I agree with this, consistent details and full disclosure are your best friends as far as reconciliation is concerned. Trickle truth and delayed omissions, no matter how well intentioned, are not.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Drea83 are you physically attracted to your husband? Are you sexually attracted to him? Or has he let himself go and is no longer attractive?
> 
> Was the OM more handsome, more attractive, better in bed than your husband? These are legitimate questions on your husband's mind and you need to be prepared with an honest answer. It may be that you love your husband as a friend and provider but you were sexually more attracted to your affair partner. Have you asked yourself this tough question?
> 
> Did you do things sexually with the OM that you would never think of doing with your husband, or did you do things for him sexually that you normally refuse to do with your spouse?


Ok, I thought about it a bit more. The only thing that was more attractive that night was the fact OM am I knew each other for sooo long and tried soooo hard. I was feeling venerable from a recent birth, broke due to H, in a new city. It was amazing to get back into laughing again. It was amazing to me. Money doesn't matter to me but memories do! Every Saturday my oldest daughter will request a story from when I was a kid or when she was a baby. I have soooo many great memories I share with her. In fact, all of my family recently went camping. It was amazing. I make funny faces and try funny voices. I am horrible with accents but she is great with them. I missed H sooo much that weekend he was gone. Simply to find out he was taking An ex out. It really really really hurt.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Drea83,

This is a very sad story. I feel for you. Your story mirrors many that we hear from guilt stricken WSs.

I also feel for your husband. He made bad choices, and now has one of his most treasured things shattered by your choice.

You can't undo the deed. The silver lining is learning from it.

Your posts show that you are trying to look deeply into yourself to R with yourself. That is a great step. If you did destroy your marriage, this will help you be better in your next relationship.

Good luck!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Drea83 said:


> Ok, I thought about it a bit more. The only thing that was more attractive that night was the fact OM am I knew each other for sooo long and tried soooo hard. I was feeling venerable from a recent birth, broke due to H, in a new city. It was amazing to get back into laughing again. It was amazing to me. Money doesn't matter to me but memories do! Every Saturday my oldest daughter will request a story from when I was a kid or when she was a baby. I have soooo many great memories I share with her. In fact, all of my family recently went camping. It was amazing. I make funny faces and try funny voices. I am horrible with accents but she is great with them. I missed H sooo much that weekend he was gone. Simply to find out he was taking An ex out. It really really really hurt.


So it was the emotional feeding the OM was giving you that segued into sex? You did not plan to have sex with him, but one thing led to another and you took the plunge.....


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Drea83,
> 
> This is a very sad story. I feel for you. Your story mirrors many that we hear from guilt stricken WSs.
> 
> ...


I don't want to have another relationship! I love H sooooo much. I cannot un-do the deed. Are you thinking this one is over?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Only one person knows that. And it's not up to you.


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## Drea83 (Apr 23, 2013)

turnera said:


> Only one person knows that. And it's not up to you.


I get what you are saying. Is there anything I can do until he decides?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> I don't want to have another relationship! I love H sooooo much. I cannot un-do the deed. Are you thinking this one is over?


Tunera said it.

It is going to take lots of time if he decides to work through it. I tried to resolve my issues for 8 months after discovery. I decided at that point D was easier than R.

It is a rough road for the betrayed. He may wait years to finally end it.

Read the thread currently being discussed by the BH of 12 years ago. He is finally deciding to D after 12 years of a devastated life due to an A by his wife.

Let him have some time, then be realistic in your choice to try to R, if that is what he wants.

Maybe after an extended time, you will want out. R is not a cake walk. It is a long process that requires many sacrifices for you too.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

The thread is by Craig49


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In the meantime, you can see a therapist to figure out why you could do that to someone you supposedly loved. You can take a LOT of time to think about what your core values are, and then figure out how to live your life according to those values. You can determine what your husband wants in a spouse, see of those agree with your newfound values; if so, start LIVING those values 100% - whether he sees you doing it or not. It will become evident. In the meantime, don't even THINK about caring about getting your 'needs' met. And finally, learn to be patient.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Drea83 said:


> Ok, I thought about it a bit more. The only thing that was more attractive that night was the fact OM am I knew each other for sooo long and tried soooo hard. I was feeling venerable from a recent birth, broke due to H, in a new city. It was amazing to get back into laughing again. It was amazing to me. Money doesn't matter to me but memories do! Every Saturday my oldest daughter will request a story from when I was a kid or when she was a baby. I have soooo many great memories I share with her. In fact, all of my family recently went camping. It was amazing. I make funny faces and try funny voices. I am horrible with accents but she is great with them. I missed H sooo much that weekend he was gone. *Simply to find out he was taking An ex out. It really really really hurt.*


DearDrea83,

The *bolded* statement above is intriguing. Why did your H take an Ex out to dinner? Do you know what happened? Do you suspect him of cheating with her?

One other comment: you seem way too upbeat about the future of your marriage. Maybe it's your personality but I suspect that you are trying to convince yourself that everything will be fine now that you've confessed to him. The likelihood is that the two of you have years of work to get to a place where your marriage is strong. Frankly, it doesn't seem like it ever was (his cheating, your resentment, etc.) so this will only make it tougher to get there. Being overly optimistic may actually impede your progress; better to have realistic expectations in order to deal with the many challenges the two of you will face.

Wishing you and your family the best.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You seem to have an inability to get through talking about your cheating without bringing up your issues with your husband. I think you still, deep down inside, blame him or justify to yourself about your cheating.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op what will you do the next time you have resentment for your h? It is bound to happen again. I'm not sure how to avoid that type of conflict in a long term rationship. 

However, I do believe it quite possible to deal with and handle those feelings in a different manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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