# Wife is threatening divorce....maybe unjustly



## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

Warning, this is a LONG intro:

Little bit of background:

My wife and I got married almost 8 years ago. In the beginning, we were awesome together! We loved going out all the time, playing pool together at our favorite local dive, going to movies together, playing cards with friends, going to parties, etc. She is (and was) a nurse, and would spend 2 or 3 nights per week working. So, I got in the habit of going out those nights when she wasn't alone, just because it seemed lonely being stuck in the house by myself. 

Not long after, I started to drift towards hanging out with my friends more than her. It got so that she would feel neglected, and, me being naive, dismissed it a bit, and almost lost her due to my stupidity. We made up, and I promised her that I would be more attentive to her, and did so after that. Things started getting back to normal again.

A couple years later, our daughter was born. We both knew that our marriage would be stressed all over again, because having a child is not easy on a marriage. It wasn't a huge surprise to either of us when it started getting difficult all over again. 

The problem was, after our daughter was born, my wife...well, she changed. She was no longer the affectionate, tender woman I married. She was distant, aloof, and sometimes even cold. Sex never stopped (and still hasn't mostly), but the intimacy began to suffer. I would bring it up to her occasionally, and she always said that she didn't feel beautiful anymore, even though I told her all the time how gorgeous she was, and is even today. She grew further and further away from me, and it got even rougher. 

I had asked her repeatedly before to show some affection, and she would for a few days, and then act depressed again, and take the affection with her. I give her backrubs and back massages almost nightly due to a pinched nerve in her back, clean the house, do the laundry/dishes, and vacuum on my days off while she was sleeping, while at the same time work 5 days a week. I also have a bad snoring problem, and it makes it tough for her to go to sleep, so I stay up late an hour or so every weeknight, lose sleep, so she can go to sleep before me. I've asked her why I can accomplish in one days what she can't in five, which left her obviously angry, but her only answer was that she was busy raising our daughter. 

She slipped further and further away, and every time I asked her what was wrong, she would say that nothing was. If I tried to be intimate, to caress her, she would brush me away. Always, she would say that she didn't feel like it. I would have to be the one to initiate intimate contact 99.9% of the time. I finally have started giving up, as she would rebuff me time and time again, over the course of YEARS. I asked her why she wouldn't show affection anymore, and she said that her family never really was touchy-feely when she was little, despite how much affection she showed me when we were younger. As a result, I grew further from her, and she would watch her television programs that I didn't care much about (especially The Bachelor and The Bachelorette) while I would read internet articles or play videogames after our daughter went to bed.

She only works Friday and Saturday nights, so that I can take over childcare duties when she goes to work. She sleeps in on Sunday mornings. Monday morning, she takes over with the daily child-rearing duties. We do this so she can have more time bonding with our daughter, plus it keeps us from having to have to pay for day care. 

During this time, she had to take a paycut from her work due to a slowing economy, and money was very tight for a while. Fortunately, I got a new job that made up the difference, so I thought that money had been getting better. We got a small financial windfall about 18 months ago when I had cancer, and put the remaining money that we didn't need into savings, which was between $5000 and $7000. I asked her the other day how the money was doing, and it is down to less than $1000. 

I've repeatedly asked her to help with cooking dinner instead of eating out all the time. I've asked her to go on walks with me, to go to the park with me so that we could spend time together, and she says that that doesn't interest her. So, we've grown more and more distant, and we've each taken to our own microcosms of life. 

She has been particularly snappy at me lately, and I've been firing back at her, and not always holding back. I asked her last night if she would mind not being so angry towards me, and she said she had been contemplating a divorce. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. I've been giving her everything she's seemingly wanted, been nothing but loving to her, and she's slowly slipped away from me. Every time I've confronted her about the things she does wrong, and asked her to fix it, she complains that I'm doing something wrong or not being good enough to her, and she actually seems to believe it. I honestly think that she believes I'm not being a good husband. 

So, when she hit me with the talk of divorce, my brain went into panic mode. I still love this woman very much, but she says she's not sure if she's in love with me anymore. There are more complications due to our daughter, me having credit card debt (partially from having to pay for things while we were low on cash, such as car repairs and what not), and the fact that neither of us could afford to live in the house without the other one's income. 

We're at a very ugly spot right now, but I've taken 24 hours to sit back and think about it, and I'm not sure if the relationship is worth salvaging, since it's been on a downhill slope since our daughter was born. I love my daughter more than the world, and the thought not hearing her shout "DADDY!" and come running to me when I come home from work just tears my heart to pieces and makes me not even want to live another day. However, if we were to get divorced, I'd have to deal with just that, as well as alimony and child support to a woman that can't take care of money and know that she's raising our daughter with in that environment. 

I'm scared, confused, and don't have any idea what to do. Someone, anyone, please help.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The only part of this that I can side with her on is where you say "her only answer is that she was busy raising our daughter" when you wanted to know why you could do in 1 day what she couldn't in 5. And even that...do you do all the cleaning, etc. that you do with your daughter underfoot? If you do, then even that doesn't fly. But if you're doing it while she entertains and plays with your daughter, then I can see her side on that one. Before I had kids, I could deep clean my entire house in 1 day. After kids...I had to spread out even just regular cleaning over the week because I had to change diapers, prepare food, play with the kids, and so on. 

All the rest...I really don't know what to say. It really kind of sounds to me like she just wants out. That's why she's saying divorce, and that's why she refuses to do anything to help you try to salvage what's left of your marriage. 

I suppose you could try asking her to go to marriage counseling with you and see if that does anything, but I wouldn't really hold my breath.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

She hates her life. However, I am not sure if she knows that she has the power to change that.

If your child is in school there is no reason that your wife can't get the laundry and the cleaning done. Actually, even if the child is at home FT I still can't see that being a legit excuse. The timeline you give leads me to believe your child is preschool or kindergarten age, so not a baby that needs constant attention.

I was one of those people who couldn't figure out how to get it all done because I was so overwhelmed by it all. It made me miserable, I felt like a failure. It took me awhile to figure out how to manage my time and stop being overwhelmed. Flylady.net really helped with that.
Cooking dinner is 100% possible while raising children. It takes the same amount of time to make a meal at home as it does to drive to a restaurant.

I've got three children and I still manage to find time to read, be online, exercise, cook, clean, shop, etc. I haven't always done a good job of the housework, I admit.
Even when I was dealing with my 3rd baby who was high needs I was able to cook dinner at home every night and get the laundry done. I sometimes had to do it with him strapped to me, but I did it.

Have you seen a doctor about your snoring problem? Might be worth looking into. Otherwise, I have read that the decibles go down for each 10 pounds you lose. My sister is an itty bitty thing who snores and uses the nose strips with success.

I'm not sure what you can do if she is not interested in making changes or acknowledge her part in this. Sounds like communication has been dead for a while. If you think you can get her to open up a dialog with you that would be a good start. Find out what she wants from her life...talk about what you want from your life. Talk about each of your needs and desires, what is and is not working.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

be open and honest with her. Tell her what you said in this post. MC is a good option.

How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling


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## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

atruckersgirl said:


> The only part of this that I can side with her on is where you say "her only answer is that she was busy raising our daughter" when you wanted to know why you could do in 1 day what she couldn't in 5. And even that...do you do all the cleaning, etc. that you do with your daughter underfoot? If you do, then even that doesn't fly. But if you're doing it while she entertains and plays with your daughter, then I can see her side on that one.


That's the thing, I clean the house on Saturdays and Sundays while she's asleep or gone to work, with our daughter around. To be fair, she does clean every so often, but it's rare. We used to share the household chores, and accepted responsibility by using a chore chart we kept on the refrigerator. She would put hers off constantly, and eventually I'd have to do them. She really only does them when she feels like it.




notaname said:


> She hates her life. However, I am not sure if she knows that she has the power to change that.
> 
> If your child is in school there is no reason that your wife can't get the laundry and the cleaning done. Actually, even if the child is at home FT I still can't see that being a legit excuse. The timeline you give leads me to believe your child is preschool or kindergarten age, so not a baby that needs constant attention.


Our child is gone two days a week for around 5 or 6 hours. She uses that time to go to visit friends or go shopping for the most part. She will start school not this fall, but next.



notaname said:


> Have you seen a doctor about your snoring problem? Might be worth looking into. Otherwise, I have read that the decibles go down for each 10 pounds you lose. My sister is an itty bitty thing who snores and uses the nose strips with success.


Yeah, I'm overweight, but am working on it even now. I'm on a diet, and I've been trying to get her to do one with me because she wants to lose weight, but she won't make the commitment. When she grocery shops, she brings home chips and snacks. She frowns at whole wheat bread and fruit and especially lettuce and tomatoes. She won't exercise with me, either.



notaname said:


> I'm not sure what you can do if she is not interested in making changes or acknowledge her part in this. Sounds like communication has been dead for a while. If you think you can get her to open up a dialog with you that would be a good start. Find out what she wants from her life...talk about what you want from your life. Talk about each of your needs and desires, what is and is not working.


We actually did do that, which is where I found out that she thinks I'm not being good to her. She really doesn't think that she's done anything wrong, and refuses to accept blame for most of what goes on. I really wish she would just have an epiphany and realize that she's got blame to atone for. Divorce isn't always a way out of that blame, it's running from it and refusing to believe you have a problem, much less fixing it. Sometimes it's necessary, but not always.



anx said:


> be open and honest with her. Tell her what you said in this post. MC is a good option.
> 
> How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling


I'm wondering if I should just show her these posts, but she'd probably think I was trying to make her look bad, and would just resent answering for her problems that much more.

I know a guy that would be perfect for counseling, and would love to go to him with her. I've worked with him in the past, and he's very good. He already has a background with us as a couple as well, and knows about me.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Just talk to her about the things, you don't have to show the posts.



> I know a guy that would be perfect for counseling, and would love to go to him with her. I've worked with him in the past, and he's very good. He already has a background with us as a couple as well, and knows about me.


 Please, do it.


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## wlinlcpc (Feb 23, 2011)

Has your wife been to see a doctor to see if she meets the criteria for postpartum depression or dysthymia? What you are describing sounds like she may be suffering from some mood disorder. 
On another note, I agree that couples counseling may be something do to work on improving your relationship. If she's willing, see if she is willing to attend couples counseling before deciding to end the marriage.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It is all about her, according to you. 



> Every time I've confronted her about the things she does wrong, and asked her to fix it,


This comes across as so insulting that it is almost laughable. I'm not laughing at you or your problem, however. But it is really obvious that you are not communicating very well, and you are not *listening* to what she is saying. 

She may be depressed and "hating her life" sounds about right. Having a child is a huge emotional change for women--many of us feel so responsible, just trying to keep them alive. We worry so much about our parenting. We love our kids so much it consumes us. . . and this makes us obsessed, often boring, and without a life of our own. We either don't see it or can't admit it to ourselves b/c it feels like a betrayal of the child we love.

Definitely start marriage counseling and be aware that you have already decided it is her fault and it is about "justice." It isn't, not for her anyway. The more you try to make her see things your way, the worse it will get. You will need to learn to see and express things differently. If you aren't open to that, then the prognosis isn't great. Be aware that the only part of this you have control of is YOU and if you aren't willing to admit that you contribute to the problem, things are unlikely to change.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

scared_daddy said:


> Warning, this is a LONG intro:
> 
> Little bit of background:
> 
> ...


You sound really critical of her. You ask why she can't accomplish in 5 days what you do in 2, she doesn't accept when you tell her what she's doing wrong... Well honestly, I'd go cold on you too. Maybe celebrate what she does well instead of cutting her down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Do you know what your wife's love language is? When she says you aren't a good husband has she given you specific things that bother her? If so, did you dismiss them?

It could be that rather than validate eachother you are both guilty of dismissing the needs and concerns of the other.

She also may have been building up resentment towards you for a long time now.

Keep working on yourself and that is great that you are working on becoming more healthy.


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## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

wlinlcpc said:


> Has your wife been to see a doctor to see if she meets the criteria for postpartum depression or dysthymia? What you are describing sounds like she may be suffering from some mood disorder.


That's something I did forget to mention. At one point she had done so, and was on anti-depressants, and she was great! Everything seemed to be getting better for a short while, until she decided to take herself off of them. I've asked her why she stopped, and her reason was that she said she didn't like them. I encouraged her that there could be other forms of stress relief, and mentioned other stuff like meditation, which has been awesome for my stress, and she pretty much scoffed at it and never went back to our family doctor.



sisters359 said:


> It is all about her, according to you.
> 
> 
> 
> This comes across as so insulting that it is almost laughable. I'm not laughing at you or your problem, however. But it is really obvious that you are not communicating very well, and you are not *listening* to what she is saying.


I guess I worded that wrongly. I don't confront her like it's a "come to Jesus meeting" type of thing, it's more of "Hey, I have been wanting to discuss something with you" in a loving way. Both of us know that if we have concerns to take them to the other, and not keep them bottled up. Sorry if I gave offense, I spend so much time on the internet as part of my job (network administrator) that I sometimes forget that inflection and meaning can get muddled. When I say that I confront her, it's that I have something that's been bothering me that I bring to her attention that has been going on for a while. We're both patient enough to let the other try and notice if something is wrong, and only when it doesn't seem like the other "gets it" do we bring it up. She does the same for me, and, up until now, that has worked wonderfully.



sisters359 said:


> She may be depressed and "hating her life" sounds about right. Having a child is a huge emotional change for women--many of us feel so responsible, just trying to keep them alive. We worry so much about our parenting. We love our kids so much it consumes us. . . and this makes us obsessed, often boring, and without a life of our own. We either don't see it or can't admit it to ourselves b/c it feels like a betrayal of the child we love.


I understand that, at least I thought I did. I've told her many times that she doesn't need to be "supermom" and do everything, that that's what husbands are for, to help out and compliment their mate.



sisters359 said:


> Definitely start marriage counseling and be aware that you have already decided it is her fault and it is about "justice." It isn't, not for her anyway. The more you try to make her see things your way, the worse it will get. You will need to learn to see and express things differently. If you aren't open to that, then the prognosis isn't great. Be aware that the only part of this you have control of is YOU and if you aren't willing to admit that you contribute to the problem, things are unlikely to change.


THAT is something I have a hard time with. I'm just one of those people that can't stand to see injustice, whether it be by racism, sexism, religion, or whatever. It feels like I've been trying hard to change things about myself that make her happy, and what I need, the affection and tenderness that were a large part of what made me fall in love with her in the first place, I'm not getting in return. I know it makes me sound like a jerk sometimes, and my wife knows that. She understands that that is my nature, and she has told me as such. Still, I would love to do counseling with her. If this marriage can be salvaged, I want it to be.



golfergirl said:


> You sound really critical of her. You ask why she can't accomplish in 5 days what you do in 2, she doesn't accept when you tell her what she's doing wrong... Well honestly, I'd go cold on you too. Maybe celebrate what she does well instead of cutting her down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh dear, no, I'm not critical of her at all. I don't get in her face and start attacking her, nor do I constantly fault her or ask that she change things about herself. Quite the opposite, actually. I tell her regularly how beautiful she is and how much she means to me. I've told her how awesome it is for her to give up her weekends so that we don't have to worry about day care. I tell her that she's more regal than a queen, that my life is nothing without her in it, that to me, she's perfect. That's why I'm so confused...the only times I've been angry with her is when I've felt pushed to do so, and only then when her animosity has been in motion for days. I don't say anything in anger to her unless I've been provoked for quite a while or felt personally attacked.



notaname said:


> Do you know what your wife's love language is? When she says you aren't a good husband has she given you specific things that bother her? If so, did you dismiss them?


If I'm missing something I encourage her to tell me about it so that I can fix it. I know I'm not the best husband on earth, and sometimes I don't always notice when I'm doing something that irks her. And no, I take her concerns very much to heart. Dismissing them would be a slap in the face to her, as it would be to me.



notaname said:


> It could be that rather than validate eachother you are both guilty of dismissing the needs and concerns of the other.
> 
> She also may have been building up resentment towards you for a long time now.


Perhaps it has come to that, that we both feel so slighted we have stopped caring about what the other person needs. 

That's caused me great confusion and strain, and I don't know why our relationship has come to that. I think couples therapy could greatly help that, and I will speak with her tonight about that.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

The one thing that sticks out above all the rest to me is the depression issue. That was the first thing I thought of when you mentioned how much she changed after the birth of her baby.

Thing is...you don't meditate for depression. You don't seek out stress busting techiques for depression. That is for stress. Depression needs either medication, therapy, or both. 

I would encourage her (delicately) to seek individual counseling. They will assess her need for meds, or continued therapy. But she really needs to see someone, imho.


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## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

major misfit said:


> Thing is...you don't meditate for depression. You don't seek out stress busting techiques for depression. That is for stress. Depression needs either medication, therapy, or both.
> 
> I would encourage her (delicately) to seek individual counseling. They will assess her need for meds, or continued therapy. But she really needs to see someone, imho.


You make a great point. I always assumed the depression was brought on by stress. Very eye-opening once someone says it. 

Thank you all for your words and advice. It's helped a great deal to just get this out and off my chest a bit. My wife and I share the same friends now, and I can't go to one of them with this. 

I've talked to my wife, and made most of the points in these posts to her. She seems a bit more agreeable now, and I'll discuss going to a therapist with her tonight, but I just found out our daughter has come down with flu-like symptoms, so for now, she's our main focus.

Thanks again, and I'll update if you everyone would like to hear how it's going.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

We always like to hear updates (ok..I can't speak for all the members here..*I* like to hear updates), and I wish your daughter a speedy recovery! Good luck.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

major misfit said:


> We always like to hear updates (ok..I can't speak for all the members here..*I* like to hear updates), and I wish your daughter a speedy recovery! Good luck.


+1

:smthumbup:


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## roses_diamonds (Mar 2, 2011)

She sounds depressed. No interest in sex, no interest in things she used to enjoy, sleeping a lot.

Depression is a mental illness that can only be helped by medication, therapy, or both. It doesn't matter what you give her or what you say to her . If she is depressed, these things won't have any effect.

Please try and get her to seek medical attention if you haven't already.


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

roses_diamonds said:


> She sounds depressed. No interest in sex, no interest in things she used to enjoy, sleeping a lot.
> 
> Depression is a mental illness that can only be helped by medication, therapy, or both. It doesn't matter what you give her or what you say to her . If she is depressed, these things won't have any effect.
> 
> Please try and get her to seek medical attention if you haven't already.


*While either/both medication or therapy are often used for depression, it is often treated with NEITHER of these.

Exercise, diet modification, life management, meditation, music therapy etc.

In fact, I would try Exercise, diet modification, life management, meditation, music therapy etc. BEFORE I started with medication and therapy.*


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

scared_daddy said:


> THAT is something I have a hard time with. I'm just one of those people that can't stand to see injustice, whether it be by racism, sexism, religion, or whatever. It feels like I've been trying hard to change things about myself that make her happy, and what I need, the affection and tenderness that were a large part of what made me fall in love with her in the first place, I'm not getting in return. I know it makes me sound like a jerk sometimes, and my wife knows that. She understands that that is my nature, and she has told me as such. Still, I would love to do counseling with her. If this marriage can be salvaged, I want it to be.


You have explained how you deal with issues you have with her but not how she does. I'm almost wondering if she has a hard time communicating her wants and needs to you. You could have been making all these changes trying to fix things but aren't hitting her issues on the head at all. In this regard, it may seem in your perception that you are being the absolute perfect mate whereas in her perception you are turning into an absolute a-hole. For example, it sounds like you have picked up doing most of the housework - maybe she feels like this is a slap in her face that she's not very domestic (and makes her more depressed).

If you guys are both really willing to put a good effort into marriage counseling I would really go for it. It sounds to me like something like this is needed.


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## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

bluesky said:


> While either/both medication or therapy are often used for depression, it is often treated with NEITHER of these.
> 
> Exercise, diet modification, life management, meditation, music therapy etc.
> 
> In fact, I would try Exercise, diet modification, life management, meditation, music therapy etc. BEFORE I started with medication and therapy.


I have to agree with this. I've been overweight for part of my life, and there have been times when I've dieted/exercised my way back down, and nothing comes close to the satisfaction of looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing that all the hard work has paid off, and you look like a different person. 

Not to mention the fact that living a healthy lifestyle is always better than not living one. =)



tpb72 said:


> You have explained how you deal with issues you have with her but not how she does. I'm almost wondering if she has a hard time communicating her wants and needs to you. You could have been making all these changes trying to fix things but aren't hitting her issues on the head at all. In this regard, it may seem in your perception that you are being the absolute perfect mate whereas in her perception you are turning into an absolute a-hole. For example, it sounds like you have picked up doing most of the housework - maybe she feels like this is a slap in her face that she's not very domestic (and makes her more depressed).
> 
> If you guys are both really willing to put a good effort into marriage counseling I would really go for it. It sounds to me like something like this is needed.


You make a good point, but I started doing her share of the housework because it simply wasn't getting done. Clothes weren't being washed, dishes weren't getting cleaned, etc. There's only so much that can pile up before it _has_ to be dealt with. To her credit (and your point), she would say that she felt bad that I had to do it. So, I would let her take her time to do them, but then she'd let her chores lapse the next week, sometimes for weeks, so I'd have to do them. I did them simply because they had to be done, and I've told her that. I know I'm being pragmatic, but if I tell someone I feel bad that they had to do something in my stead, I'd make sure that I didn't let that happen again, because I respect that person, and want them to know that I'm going to pull my weight. Otherwise it would seem like I'm taking advantage of that person's good will and good intentions. 

I don't think for a second that that is what she was doing, though. I honestly believe that she indeed was depressed, and had a hard time getting things done. I've had depression before, and even getting out of bed was hard to do when it was bad. Thank you for your point...it's given me an epiphany. 

For what it's worth, I actually like cooking and straightening up the house and housework in general. I'm kinda odd that way, but I like the feeling of reward once it's all done and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. I used to make projects to do every weekend. It would be one big one per week, like cleaning the carpets where juice stains from our daughter have accumulated, or cleaning all the crown molding, or simply getting down on my hands and knees with a scrub brush and cleaning all the linoleum in the kitchen and bathrooms. The only problem is, I work 5 days/week, and am on call 24/7/365 (thus is the nature of working in I.T.), so I don't usually get the time to do them. Light housework is easy on the weekends, even with our daughter around, but big projects like that are almost impossible when a 4-year-old is chasing the cats around the house or wanting to ride bikes. =)

Speaking of which, our kiddo does have the flu. Her fever spiked to almost 104 yesterday, but a cool bath and children's Tylenol dropped it back to 98.6, and my wife just texted me that her temp is staying around 99 so far, so she's doing a lot better.


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## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

Just a follow-up:

So I talked to my wife about how it took me a long time to understand just how bad her depression had become, and that I had handled it badly, even though my motivations were completely noble. Regardless of how much I helped her, it was only making her feel worse. She gave a weak smile at that, and thanked me. 

The next day, I got a text from her while I was at work. She had made an appointment to see our family doctor. At the visit, she was diagnosed with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. It appears that this has been going on for some time, too. So, she's now on a new prescription. 

She has already made a HUGE turnaround. She admitted that she feels so much better. She's laughing again, and smiling, and far, far more patient than she has been. She has said that going back to the doctor was simultaneously one of the hardest and best decisions she's ever made. 

I'm having to fight back tears as I write this, as the woman I fell in love with has finally come back home. Our marriage is finally, after so many years, getting back to normal. We're falling in love with each other all over again.

Thank you all for your support and suggestions.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

dude - don't lose sight of what's also important for you. 

You can't run around handling all the household. Let her start picking it back up a little at a time now that her depression is seeing some cracks in it. 

The work will help her feel important and needed again. You also need to continue to regaining your own happiness and sanity. 

Continue to work out, seek God - if you a so inclined.

Be A LEADER for your wife and family. Notice - I said leader - not - master or boss. A leader will pitch in where needed to help at times when needed and forge the path ahead whereas a master or boss will do neither but let things stagnate. 

Lead and do not be a doormat or do everything for her. 


Great News on the change. Just like any other disease and especially depression - those that have it don't know how bad it's gotten until its too late.

God Bless you both and all the best for a swift healthy recovery.


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## scared_daddy (Feb 28, 2011)

Powerbane said:


> You can't run around handling all the household. Let her start picking it back up a little at a time now that her depression is seeing some cracks in it.
> 
> The work will help her feel important and needed again. You also need to continue to regaining your own happiness and sanity.


I agree completely. I am letting her pitch back in. She's done laundry throughout the week. So much so, that there were only two small loads to do today...normally there are three, large loads. Also, the dishes have been maintained all week. Nothing in the dishwasher except stuff from breakfast this morning!

I am strange that way, though...like I said a few posts back, I'm the husband that genuinely likes to do housework, cooking, and cleaning. I wish I could be a stay-at-home dad. I love my daughter, and teaching her all I know has been so awesome. Seeing that light bulb go off above her head has been my greatest motivation. I've taught her how to say hello and thank you in Spanish, French, German, Japanese, Chinese, and Italian. And today, it was a gorgeous day, so we spent the day outside, and she learned about magnetism, polar opposites, basic elements (carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, hydrogen, etc), metals, and non-metals. We also played on her swing set, sat in the sun for a while pointing out shapes in the clouds, and then I taught her how to draw certain shapes. It's so awesome watching her brain develop so quickly. I was extremely fortunate in my youth to have a partly photographic memory, and the ability to speed read. I've soaked up a ridiculous amount of trivial knowledge over the years, and watching her soak it up even faster is incredible. I love being a dad. =)



Powerbane said:


> Be A LEADER for your wife and family. Notice - I said leader - not - master or boss. A leader will pitch in where needed to help at times when needed and forge the path ahead whereas a master or boss will do neither but let things stagnate.


That's where it's kinda tough. I'm learning as I go on how to be a leader. I'm used to managing people at my job, teams of techs and what not. I can simply tell them where to go, what to do, and they go do it. It's not like that with my wife, which is where I have inner conflict, but, like I said, I'm learning as I go. It's tough, but sometimes that's the best way to learn. 



Powerbane said:


> Just like any other disease and especially depression - those that have it don't know how bad it's gotten until its too late.


I know only too well. In my early 20's, I finally had the realization that it was time to stop being an all-nighter type of guy, out in bars and clubs and the like. That had been my lifestyle for years by that point, and I had also just lost a very close girlfriend. Combine a emotional gut punch like that, with having this cathartic moment of maturity, and it *SUCKED*. I hit a very, very bad bout of depression for about three or four weeks. I'd come home from work, turn on music, and just sit in bed. I hardly ever ate, never went out, and let my apartment turn into a cesspool. 

My dad finally saw how bad I was getting, and basically turned into my hero. He was nice but still firm. If I started to slip, he'd have none of it. It did wonders for my self-confidence and self-esteem. I came out of my depression a better person for it. I've never had depression since, because I can see the early warning signs in myself and know how to deal with it in a healthy way.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I have to disagree with powerbane a little. I have suffered from anxiety and depression all of my life, and it is only a small part of my life now. The meds and diagnosis is great. She will need time for the fog to totally life. It might be 1-6 months.

IC or MC still might be a good option.

I would suggest making chores your job and asking for support with them when she can help. Whatever isn't done you need to finish. She needs a clean house, a supportive husband, and peace in her life to get past this. 

Work on yourself, work on your marriage, and give space for your wife to work on herself.


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