# Sexual Changes - Post Affair



## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

For those who have stayed with their spouse after an affair, were their changes to your sex life, specifically new positions, new things the spouse likes, that you know had to have come from the affair? 

How do you deal with that?


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

There haven't been any new positions, but the A certainly put a wrench in our drive.

Its very hard for me to get past mentally. I think he may have an issue too because his sex drive went so far south, I don't think I could get him hard if I stuck a metal rod in there for support.

He's just "not in the mood" and tells me to "ask any guy who's been in a long term relationship. It happens". I asked him to start taking labido pills and he gets offensive and tells me that if he's going to take them, then I have to buy them for him. Its been 5 months and I think the most we have sex is MAYBE once every 2 weeks.

I think he's hung up about something. I need to feel wanted and desired, especially after the A, but its just not happening...and when I ask him about it, he gets angry. He's angry he's not satisfying me, when he easily could if we just did something. He's not going to satisfy me by rolling over and going to sleep at night...he's not THAT magical!

Ugh. I know I'm sounding selfish, but sex after the A has really sucked.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Yes, without getting too graphic let's just say there used to be a certain way to "get her there," but post affair she wanted it faster. Yes, I'm sure that is a result of OM hammering it home and not knowing her buttons. That was a tough moment of realization for me for sure. I've dealt with it by trying new things myself...on her, with her, and suggesting new things for her to try on me also. So while it sucks that the affair was the shake up of our sex lives, the result is that it's gotten us outta that married routine type sex and spiced it up a bit.

I try to remind myself that she left him and is choosing to have sex with me now....SO I must be doing something right.

Don't allow the really bad choices of your WS to ruin your self-esteem. It wasn't your fault.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Its been 5 months and I think the most we have sex is MAYBE once every 2 weeks.


That's supposed to be a low frequency? I've been lucky to get that for years. lol


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

When would you have sex with your WS? It's been two months and niether of us have attempted anything. However, it is still ongoing. My take is that it will not happen as long as he is in the picture. However, is that the right take? They haven't even met, so there has been no sex. Should I accept if she ever offers? I think not. It would just ease her guilt. At what point did you start back? Or did you ever stop? I don't know if we'll ever get to that point.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> That's supposed to be a low frequency? I've been lucky to get that for years. lol


lol we haven't even been married for an entire year! I know once every 2 weeks (at most) is more than some people but its killing me. I don't think its the horniness or anything, its just the simple need to feel wanted and desired still.

He just admit that he was bored. So yay, another thumbs up. I suppose thats why he may have strayed, too. What a knock on the self esteem.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

For us it has been much like baldmale mentioned, it has shaken things up in a really good way. We explore and are more open with each other. 

There are a couple of "new" things that I try not to think about, just go with it. 

As stated, he choose me, I'm who he wants to be with, thats what I focus on. Gotta find the sunshine.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Its been more than 3 years since theres been ANY intimacy between my wife and I.
And since the EA (unless Im fooling myself and it was a PA),
there hasnt been any either.
----so there.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

gasunrise said:


> For us it has been much like baldmale mentioned, it has shaken things up in a really good way. We explore and are more open with each other.
> 
> There are a couple of "new" things that I try not to think about, just go with it.
> 
> As stated, he choose me, I'm who he wants to be with, thats what I focus on. Gotta find the sunshine.


Thanks, I needed that. Gotta find the good in this somehow. He chose me over her and thats that. I shouldn't let her effect us like she is.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Thanks, I needed that. Gotta find the good in this somehow. He chose me over her and thats that. I shouldn't let her effect us like she is.


Somedays its not the easiest task but its getting better. He did choose me....thats taking it down to brass tacks. 

Same for you, he picked you. Now is just doing the hard work and finding a way to bring it all back together. I think in pictures so think of it as a puzzle that has spilled on the floor, the pieces are all there, some a bit bent but still there. You have to pick them back up and find a way to put it back together again. Because some of the pieces got bent the picture won't be the same when you put it back together but it will still be as beautiful as YOU DECIDE it will be. 

Dang ... I hijacked my own thread...lol


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## bird (Apr 7, 2011)

yes! my wife had two encounters with the guy, one was oral and she used to be not so good, but even though I didnt find out about the affair until a couple months ago and it happened two years ago her skill in that area is through the roof since two years ago and she said it only happened once.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

And now that you know, you just have to mentally shake yourself to NOT think about it at the worst possible moment. 

I understand completely.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

My wife was fond of taking nasty pictures for her affair partner. This was something we never did togeather, but do now. I don't have a major issue with it...but yes, I do think about it and feel weird every now and then.....not weird enough to stop though. I enjoy it. 

Sex overall is better for us. We have both dropped some inhibitions. I for one have started sudjesting things I would not have in the past. And for the most part, we try them. Sex is something that does not have to be bad. When you are both in the mood you may as well enjoy it.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Right after the affair, we didn't do anything... actually nothing really started moving until we read the love languages and figured out I was physical touch.

When that happened.. well lets just say its been a couple years and we are doing the deed 5-6 times a week. 

As far as positions, I mean we dont own a swing and there isn't a sign on our door that read " helmet required" but... she is definitely more aggressive. More the initiator. And the non traditional stuff is way more... well... more. 

I dont think it was the affair as much as her understanding what sex means to me. I like the nooky, she knows it. LOL


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

Well, when my SO had the PA end of it, we were on "break" what can I say? Break doesn't mean go and **** someone....

That being said, it only happened once, and he apparently had a hard time getting it up..... lucky for me.

That being said, nothing new came out of it. But, it has been more frequent and better. We don't take each other for granted anymore, and we are doing rather well....


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Touche.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I was proactive in this area post D-day. I read about ways to spice things up and incorporated them in our sex life. The new things don't bother me because I initiated them. Try it a little and see if it helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

We have had sex several times since D day. Maybe four or five times in the past six or seven weeks. At first, I felt like I was claiming her back from him. Sounds like a dog , I know.
The last couple of times, she was hesitant because she didn't want to send mixed signals. I assured her the first of those two times that it wouldn't mean anything. The surprising part was that it didn't. The closeness and intensity were good, but my soul didn't fly like it always had in the past.
The last time was similar. We were talking afterwards, and I asked if that was making love, or f.ing. She told me we had made love. Welllllll There's something. 
It still doesn't feel right like it did before, but I do enjoy the sexual outlet and the closeness. It's good sharing that and believing that I'm the only one she shares it with. Sucks to be here, but that's where I am.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

i am where you are too. we have had sex a few times dince d day, but soul no longer flies afterwards either. i enjoy i it in the moment, but afterwards im plauged with mixed feelings. sometimes i have flash images of them during our time together and it freaks me out. im filled with feelings of sexual inadequacy. he has only ever been with me, so he had no one to compare me to and now he does it makes me think was she better? silly things really to be thinking of but i cant help it. he says with them it was just ****ing and not what we have but i dont know how it will ever be the same. i am a very sexual person and pride myself on being a bit of an animal so to speak in that dept, but now all i want is to be "made love" to. we have, but it doesnt feel the same. i feel so lost


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Yeah. It sucks, but I guess it's natural to compare yourself to the other. Were they better, tighter, bigger? Did they do something you didn't? It goes on and on. I'm just trying to accept that it happened and put it over to the side for right now. I only get upset when I think about it, which is often. I need to be doing other things with my mind.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

me too. my house has never been cleaner!!!!!!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Interesting that someone above stated that we compare ourselves to the OM or OW. During one of the discussions my wife and I had post d-day, I asked her what he knew about me...if he had ever asked about me. She smiled and said here was this one question that he asked her. She ignored it a couple times but he was persistent in asking.

He wanted to know if he was “bigger” than me. This dude seems to have some issues with self confidence. He went so far as to give my wife a precise measurement that he had taken…..and it was a modest amount over average size. I asked my wife how the heck she answered. She admitted that she had lied to him and said he was bigger in one way, but smaller in another. She was trying to make him feel good about himself I guess.

This happened to be a golden opportunity for me…lol A few months after D-Day the OM received a multimedia text message from me….a nice close-up of what he was so curious about. I’m not a porn star, but close…. Lol. That was a good day for me


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I could go on and on but yes sex has changed for us. I'm alot more intimate and kiss more. The fact that she is only with me now, I'm less aggresive and alot of the "revenge sex" ie. hair pulling, dirty names, spanking, and general roughness has stopped and I'm more like the OM's with regard to more affectionate names I use and not as rough.

I have to say the love making is back and the roughness I once enjoyed has been replaced with worring more about her and that selffish lover I once was is gone. 

For years my cheating wife was just a booty call for me, if she wanted emotion and effection she got it from her boytoys.

Thinking back I really was on @ss when it came to "making love" to my wife. The way I just took it and what I did to her kind of makes me sick now.

I quess so much resentment just got built up after I buried my head in the sand when I suspected her infidelity 14 years ago I just treated her like the person she was behaving like, and/or she was behaving like the person I made her out to be.... by the why I treated her in bed and the names I called her during sex. 

Be careful what you wish for, if you all know what I mean.


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