# i'm sad and in need of help.



## thelifeofasadman (Aug 8, 2013)

Background Info

We met in high school and married young, we're together for 8 years now and we have no kids.

She is highly educated (PhD and all), but doesn't work.
I dropped off college, but I have a great job (120K+ year income) I work odd hours and have lots of spare time.

I helped her family financially lots of times and I paid for her studies.

I'm home most of the time so I keep the house and manage all domestic affairs like laundry, dishes and taking care of the animals.

We had an amazing sex life in the first 4 years, I never cheated on her and I believe she never cheated me.

The Issue

She is always angry and we don't really have a satisfying sex life. I'm HD and she is LD, we have sex once every 40 or 50 days...
I'm so frustrated 'cos I try really hard to provide our family with the best and we have a really good life.
Everyday in 8 years i woke her with kisses and hugs saying that I love her. At least once a week I bring her her breakfast in bed.
Every week i massage her at least 3 times with oils and everything. 
I used to try to start sex at least 3 times a week, right now i do it once a week and she responds once every 40 or 50 days.
I'm always there for her, we're best friends and talk a lot, but that's the real problem we seem to be no more than friends these days. I try so hard to make things better for us as husband and wife, but my every attempt fails worse than the last.

Could she have stopped loving me?
Was I too good for her?
Could she be with me because of my financial situation?
I was poor when we met, tho.

I don't really have a problem with women, as a matter of fact wherever I go women notice me and a lot of em start conversation.


----------



## thelifeofasadman (Aug 8, 2013)

anyone? I really don't know what else to do! Any suggestion is welcome!!!


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What does she do with her time if she is not working and you are doing most of the household stuff and you have no children?

Does she seem to enjoy sex when you do have it? Does she have orgasms?

Does she give you any reason behind your sexless marriage?

Have you ever had a blunt talk with her about this situation not being acceptable and perhaps your marriage will not last as life is short and you would like to be with someone who makes you feel desired?

Sounds like you are holding all the cards here. How is she getting away with this poor treatment of your sexual needs?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, your wife doesn't exactly sound like a woman in love, more like a queen bee type girl...you know that awful middle school girl who acts like the world show bow at her feet, she has an easy life and gets upset when no one understands how she suffers?

For starters, you are the sole bread winner, yet seem to do more than 50% of the household chores... Hmmmmm

You have taken care of her family, you give her massages, breakfast in bed and she's always mad at you...hmmm

STOP. Stop giving and giving and getting nothing back. Stop paying for things, stop giving massages, stop with the breakfast in bed, stop helping out her family.

Start with very clear expectations that you expect her to pull her own weight in this relationship. And be prepared for a royal pout!

There are a bunch of books you need to read, if you go the Men's Clubhouse section you will see the first few threads listed explain some typical books for men like you. Married to a woman you love, who has lost respect for you because of how easily she can get you to treat her like royally and give nothing in retun.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.


----------



## ohiodude (Jan 25, 2012)

Geez, I think ---I---love you (and I'm a dude!)
; )
Seriously, there HAS to be more to this story. You sound too good to be true. Good luck to you...


----------



## thelifeofasadman (Aug 8, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> What does she do with her time if she is not working and you are doing most of the household stuff and you have no children?
> 
> Does she seem to enjoy sex when you do have it? Does she have orgasms?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your support!

She mostly watches TV, plays games in the PC and she also sleeps alot and spends some time in the spa.
She also dedicates a bit of her time to charity.

She does enjoy and orgasm when we have sex and i can count in my fingers the times she didn't.

She never gives me any reason at all, mostly she says she is trying to improve and love me more

I did talk to her lots of times and she says she wants to improve, she also says that its her fault our marriage sucks and that if i give her another chance she will change, that's the moment i step back and give her another chance but she never changes

Thank you again!


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is she depressed? Why is it that she is not working?


----------



## thelifeofasadman (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Wow, your wife doesn't exactly sound like a woman in love, more like a queen bee type girl...you know that awful middle school girl who acts like the world show bow at her feet, she has an easy life and gets upset when no one understands how she suffers?
> 
> For starters, you are the sole bread winner, yet seem to do more than 50% of the household chores... Hmmmmm
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice!
Yes i always do more than other people, that's the way i was raised, father always told me to give 110% of myself when performing any task so i try to excel at everything i do.

I did what you told me and I believe I'm kind of a nice guy 
I'll start quenching my desires by getting a new car!!!
Tomorrow I'll give her the NO MORE notice! NO MORE cleaning the house, NO MORE treating her like a queen.

Its about time she changes for real, when I'm mad at her she suddenly starts treating me nice and we have sex. I guess I'm a nice guy after all.

I was feeling really down so I thank you for your words of support, I really appreciated it.


----------



## thelifeofasadman (Aug 8, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Is she depressed? Why is it that she is not working?


I really don't know, but its ok since i can provide for us both.
She is undertaking postdoc studies tho.

I believe she is depressed with the fact that I dropped college and have a good career while she doesn't.
During one of our talks she said: "I studied 8 years of my life and got nothing while you got it all so easily."

I've tried it all! I really need to, I don't know, I just don't want to lose her.


----------



## thelifeofasadman (Aug 8, 2013)

ohiodude said:


> Geez, I think ---I---love you (and I'm a dude!)
> ; )
> Seriously, there HAS to be more to this story. You sound too good to be true. Good luck to you...


Well, there really is more to this story, but that's who I am... I'm helpful and super friendly, I love my friends and family I would move mountains, if i could, to make them feel better.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thelifeofasadman said:


> Thank you for your advice!
> Yes i always do more than other people, that's the way i was raised, father always told me to give 110% of myself when performing any task so i try to excel at everything i do.
> 
> I did what you told me and I believe I'm kind of a nice guy
> ...


I think that before you have the NO MORE talk with her you need more of a plan. 

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". REad them and then get her to read them with you and work through them with you.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

thelifeofasadman said:


> Background Info
> 
> We met in high school and married young, we're together for 8 years now and we have no kids.
> 
> ...



She doesn't work, right?

You do most of the chores, take care of the animals and work a full time career.

You helped her family through tough financial times and put her through school.

You made her breakfast and gave her oil massages.

And she complains about a not so great sex life?

You are more good friends now than husband and wife.


Alright here goes. This woman of yours has it very easy in life. She doesn't have to do anything. You have taken care of everything and I mean everything and have spoiled her rotten. 

She is spoiled and a freeloader.

What has she ever done for you in equivalence???? Think about that!!!

Does she do most of the chores?

Does she give you oil massages and make you breakfasts?

Did she put you through school and helped your parents?


And she has the nerve to complain about your sex lives together? It's not good enough or high enough?

This woman doesn't even work, right? She should be doing ALL the chores, errands, taking care of the animals, making dinners, and thinking of ways to spice up the sex life, with toys, movies, new techniques because she doesn't work and has a PhD. With that education of hers, she should of got a full time career already.

With all her free time, she should be rocking your world and doing everything around the house.

There's an old saying, give her an inch and she'll take a mile.

My wife would freak on her for not working, no kids and not doing much around the house either.

*Plus you're a nice guy. You've been a nice guy and a provider so long, she has totally gotten used to it and that is your role now. Nice guys always finish last and get taken advantage of.*


(01) She works full time and shares the chores with you 50 / 50.

(02) She has 2 or more kids, stay at home mom and still does the majority of the chores, but doesn't work.

(03) No kids, doesn't work, and does ALL the chores and everything around the house, so you don't lift a finger.

(04) Kick her out and find a real decent woman.


Am I missing something here?


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Could be that she is unaware that her lack of affection towards you is causing you so much pain. She may need a shock to wake her up so she realizes how important sex, affection and fun are for a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Please add the book "No More Mr.Nice Guy" to your list of must reads. Wemon always say they want a sensitive
..sweet guy...but they like men to be men really. Not that you can't be sensitive and sweet sometimes...but to much of anything can be a bad thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

She will never realize what she is missing until she has a chance to actually miss it! Stop doing all that. You cannot nice her into it. Been there done that! But when I pulled back and stopped it didn't take her to long to realize how bad she missed it. Things changed after that.

You need to give her another perspective. Yeah I know; you weren't raised that way right? Neither was I but I learned and you can to!


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

You say she has a PhD and is now in post-doc? This means she graduated relatively recently, yes?

Were things good with you two before she graduated?

I ask because this little tidbit is extremely important IMHO. When I graduated, a friend of mine took my SO aside and warned him that I was about to go crazy and become extremely difficult to live with, and that he (my SO) should try to be patient with me. 

Why did my friend do this? Because he went through it, and he and his wife barely survived. And because he knew it wasn't just him; it's a very common experience across disciplines. There is something uniquely depressing and difficult about pouring your heart and soul into a degree only to find out that you haven't opened the doors that you thought you would, and possibly have wasted your time completely. 

Sometimes it takes a while to recover from that. And I think it would be even harder if your SO had dropped out and was still quite successful.


----------



## Frustrated26 (Aug 7, 2013)

I hate to say this, but this sounds a lot like my sister, so I'm gonna try to offer some fresh perspective. My sister has her PhD in a very specific field with very few, very competitive job opportunities. She is also married to a wonderful man who completely provides for and spoils her. And she acts very similarly to your wife, AND she feels terrible about it. She's talked to me about her behavior a hundred times, but she can't seem to break out of her rut. You know why? Because she feels so badly about herself.

She went to school for years and years, working so hard and dreaming about this awesome career that never happened. That really ruined her self esteem, and I think she does take it out on him because she is jealous of his success. Instead of working to be a successful wife and maybe becoming a mother, she has become so caught up in self doubt and depression. It is really hard to truly love someone else when you don't love yourself. 

If I were you, I would really encourage your wife to pick up a useful hobby or even a lower paying job. It is really difficult to be a productive person when you are stuck in a 'lay-around-all-day-feeling-sorry-for-myself' rut. Encourage her to volunteer somewhere regularly (at least twice a week) or help her look for fun jobs. She doesn't need to do something huge, but she needs to feel useful. Once she is being useful, recognize her efforts and really act proud of her and interested in what she is doing. However, you need to stop babying her right now. Babying a person who feels crappy about themselves always backfires and makes the other person think of you as weak. Plus it gives her no motivation to change. She needs to know that she has to deserve all of your attention and romantic efforts towards her. That will make you SO much more attractive to her."

It sounds like your wife wants to be a good wife, and she obviously wanted to be a productive member of society. Once she becomes productive, she'll begin building her confidence and she'll be able to start being the wife you need. Your problem is much more than just sex, it is about her waking up and being an adult she is proud of. And adults pull their own weight at home and in their marriages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

thelifeofasadman said:


> I believe she is depressed with the fact that I dropped college and have a good career while she doesn't.
> 
> During one of our talks she said: "I studied 8 years of my life and got nothing while you got it all so easily."


Both the lovely Dr. Mrs. LD and myself have PhD's and both work. However, I barely work French hours (35-40 a week) while she works Foxconn hours (60-70), I have zero pressure at work while she has plenty, and I make more than she does. I am also Dr. Mr. Mom, having raised two daughters mostly on my own.

All this builds considerable resentment and you can guess the rest. If her schooling is in a "financially useful" subject once she starts working thinks should improve, but of she's a post doc in some not so "financially useful" subject the prognosis is not as good.

Even getting a lower pay job is no answer, in fact I am suspecting it will increase her depression and stress...


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

thelifeofasadman said:


> I really don't know, but its ok since i can provide for us both.
> She is undertaking postdoc studies tho.
> 
> I believe she is depressed with the fact that I dropped college and have a good career while she doesn't.
> ...


The bolded part seems to be the key.

Nobody makes good money sitting on their rear ends. You either got a degree, or have a lucrative innate talent, and translated that into a good lifestyle. Remember that the most scarce resource of all is talent.

What is the possibility that she thinks you just got lucky (kinda like winning a prize)? So that, since you did not really work for your success, she does not have to show any appreciation for you supporting her?

Your response really needs to be along the lines that just because she does not feel she is getting her due in the workforce, that is no reason to piss on your parade.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thelifeofasadman said:


> I really don't know, but its ok since i can provide for us both.
> She is undertaking postdoc studies tho.
> 
> I believe she is depressed with the fact that I dropped college and have a good career while she doesn't.
> ...


Remind her that you worked for 8 years to support her so that she could get those PhDs. YOu have her a HUGE gift by making it possible for her to get those degrees. She is the one who has it easy. Now she can get a job with her degrees.

Your wife is spoiled and feels entitled. She needs a wakeup call.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

DTO said:


> What is the possibility that she thinks you just got lucky (kinda like winning a prize)? So that, since you did not really work for your success, she does not have to show any appreciation for you supporting her?
> 
> Your response really needs to be along the lines that just because she does not feel she is getting her due in the workforce, that is no reason to piss on your parade.


While the above is 100% accurate, good luck trying to use the above. Over educated and underemployed is a very toxic combination in married women, but quite commonly acceptable in married men.

Men, accustomed to having to work to pay the bills, think of work as work - they pay you to do the work, what a novel concept. The women I'm talking about, isolated from financial reality, feel entitled to the top because of their education, and that is all she wrote.

I know I'm stereotyping here but that's how my experience has been so far.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

john117 said:


> While the above is 100% accurate, good luck trying to use the above. Over educated and underemployed is a very toxic combination in married women, but quite commonly acceptable in married men.
> 
> Men, accustomed to having to work to pay the bills, think of work as work - they pay you to do the work, what a novel concept. The women I'm talking about, isolated from financial reality, feel entitled to the top because of their education, and that is all she wrote.
> 
> I know I'm stereotyping here but that's how my experience has been so far.


I'd say that overeducated and underemployed is toxic regardless of gender. That's my experience.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not as toxic if one is the sole wage earner...


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

The real point is that she says she wants to improve.
So do not to anything to upset her.
Perhaps you can get her to come on here to listen to her side.
What is stopping her improving?

Does she really mean it when she says so.
Is she perhaps scared that if she 'improves' you may not be so good to her.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I agree with EleGirl. Spoiled and entitled.

My guess as to why... falls on you.

Please also consider reading about boundaries. Which is along the lines of No More Mr. Nice Guy. And being co-dependent.

A person with healthy boundaries, will not shower their unaffectionate spouse with kisses, breakfast in bed, or other things, and pretend like "nothing is wrong" when the marriage is without intimacy. It's fake. You are actually encouraging her to keep on treating you this way. And... it is actually harmful to HER self esteem to do so. You aren't asking her to be responsible for her actions, which implies you don't think she is worthy enough \ smart enough to be in a real relationship. You are the only one capable of maintaining the relationship, so you will falsely go about producing the fantasy. Acting it out. 

When your spouse has little or no boundaries, it breeds disrespect. And thus the spoiled and entitlement attitudes. You don't ask for respect, thus you don't get any. 

A woman who does not respect a man, isn't likely to have sex with him. Especially if you don't require her to participate in the relationship, outside of mandatory sex on your schedule.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

thelifeofasadman said:


> Thank you for your advice!
> Yes i always do more than other people, that's the way i was raised, father always told me to give 110% of myself when performing any task so i try to excel at everything i do.
> 
> I did what you told me and I believe I'm kind of a nice guy
> ...


This is exactly what I started to do. I was the working one as well as doing most of the house work.

When I stopped my wife initiated sex again and I stupidly fell back into that role. I did that a few times before I realized it wasn't going to change.

I now know my wife has never enjoyed sex in 21 years. Sure on occasion, she would O but the conditions had to be perfect. 

Sex is off the table and a D will soon come. 

You are a people pleaser like me. I put others first. My wife takes advantage of that. I'am also Mr. nice guy. It's hard but I am trying to be an A-hole. I get the silent treatment now, unless my wife wants me to make dinner..like tonight..... I am not going to do it.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Trickster said:


> This is exactly what I started to do. I was the working one as well as doing most of the house work.
> 
> When I stopped my wife initiated sex again and I stupidly fell back into that role. I did that a few times before I realized it wasn't going to change.
> 
> ...


That is the problem right there- 'nice guys' don't seem to get that there is a vast difference between being a non-passive man and being an A-hole.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> That is the problem right there- 'nice guys' don't seem to get that there is a vast difference between being a non-passive man and being an A-hole.


The difference diminishes very quickly depending on who does the assessment. People who are emotionally involved are less likely to provide an accurate picture.

Also, the very definitions of non-passive and a-hole are not exactly codified in Webster's... They, too, are up for grabs.


----------

