# Being dragged into divorce and trying to come out intact



## kelsbels (9 mo ago)

Well here I am, searching for online divorce forums. Like others, I am still in shock to find myself here. I have been in a relationship for fifteen years to “the love of my life” but he decided in January that we are apparently NOT going to be loves anymore nor will he be spending anymore time with me in his life. I am traumatized, grief stricken, and absolutely demolished. I have never faced anything even remotely this difficult before in life. Yet, I am realizing that I am actually a very mentally strong woman. I guess that’s a silver lining. At first all I could think over and over was that the entire past fifteen years of my life have been a lie. The best thing a therapist has told me is that no, those years were not a lie. I was married to my best friend and we were extremely compatible in all the important ways. I lived MY truth by giving him every bit of my love, trust, and energy based on who I thought he was. It was HIM that was living the lie, not me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kelsbels said:


> Well here I am, searching for online divorce forums. Like others, I am still in shock to find myself here. I have been in a relationship for fifteen years to “the love of my life” but he decided in January that we are apparently NOT going to be loves anymore nor will he be spending anymore time with me in his life. I am traumatized, grief stricken, and absolutely demolished. I have never faced anything even remotely this difficult before in life. Yet, I am realizing that I am actually a very mentally strong woman. I guess that’s a silver lining. At first all I could think over and over was that the entire past fifteen years of my life have been a lie. The best thing a therapist has told me is that no, those years were not a lie. I was married to my best friend and we were extremely compatible in all the important ways. I lived MY truth by giving him every bit of my love, trust, and energy based on who I thought he was. It was HIM that was living the lie, not me.


Welcome to TAM, I’m really sorry you’re here.
15 years is a long time to then find out he is not the one you married. That’s gonna leave a mark no matter how strong you are.
Do you have kids?
How is the divorce going? Do you have a lawyer?
How is your support system? Do you have friends or family to lean on?

Grief is exactly the right word for it. It’s the death of a marriage and the loss of a major part of your life. But it’s also temporary. It will get better. You will be ok.

You’re among friends here, we’ve all been there. Let it out.


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## kelsbels (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM, I’m really sorry you’re here.
> 15 years is a long time to then find out he is not the one you married. That’s gonna leave a mark no matter how strong you are.
> Do you have kids?
> How is the divorce going? Do you have a lawyer?
> ...


Thanks for the reply. Yes, we do have kids. One together who still lives at home and two older adult kids who are “mine” from a previous marriage. Yes, I have done this before. Previous marriage was loveless very early on but I stayed for 9 years for the kids. This is completely different emotions-wise - although I do somewhat know what to expect. I have a lawyer lined up. But so far we are waiting to tell anyone for another two weeks for very specific reasons and therefore we still live together and interact and have not filed anything. Oh and did I mention that we also own our own business and work together? Yep, so we continue to have to be in each other’s lives all day almost every day. I am in therapy which is marginally helpful and I do have two close friends who know and who have both been incredibly supportive. I need more though..


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kelsbels said:


> Thanks for the reply. Yes, we do have kids. One together who still lives at home and two older adult kids who are “mine” from a previous marriage. Yes, I have done this before. Previous marriage was loveless very early on but I stayed for 9 years for the kids. This is completely different emotions-wise - although I do somewhat know what to expect. I have a lawyer lined up. But so far we are waiting to tell anyone for another two weeks for very specific reasons and therefore we still live together and interact and have not filed anything. Oh and did I mention that we also own our own business and work together? Yep, so we continue to have to be in each other’s lives all day almost every day. I am in therapy which is marginally helpful and I do have two close friends who know and who have both been incredibly supportive. I need more though..


Oh man...that work thing... talk about reliving the hell every day of the week.
Will you be able to move out of that after the divorce? Or can you go elsewhere now?
Seeing him, interacting with him makes all this stuff much more difficult.

TAM is a great community of support and people who care. Your post hasn't been seen too much yet, but it will.

Was betrayal a part of your marriage?
I ask because a large number of the people here have that experience (including myself) so our approach to support is often guided by that.
Are you living at home with him? Kind of an in-house separation thing?
Do you have the co-parenting plan worked out already?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

kelsbels said:


> Thanks for the reply. Yes, we do have kids. One together who still lives at home and two older adult kids who are “mine” from a previous marriage. Yes, I have done this before. Previous marriage was loveless very early on but I stayed for 9 years for the kids. This is completely different emotions-wise - although I do somewhat know what to expect. I have a lawyer lined up. But so far we are waiting to tell anyone for another two weeks for very specific reasons and therefore we still live together and interact and have not filed anything. *Oh and did I mention that we also own our own business and work together?* Yep, so we continue to have to be in each other’s lives all day almost every day. I am in therapy which is marginally helpful and I do have two close friends who know and who have both been incredibly supportive. I need more though..


This is not necessarily a bad thing. Many couples have divorced but gone on to be good business partners. I am not saying that such will be your situation, but don't sabotage that situation because of the marriage one.

I'm sure it's rough after so long. I went 10 years before I realized I was being abused in my first marriage. It took her threatening the kids to wake me up. But it still hurt and made me wonder if it had all been false. As BR7 said, you were not the one being false in the exchange. Hang in there and do what is best for you and your child. That might mean amicable co-parenting or sole custody. Just be sure that you are considering them, and not any feelings of making him pay in that decision making. Good luck and welcome to TAM.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

kelsbels said:


> Well here I am, searching for online divorce forums. Like others, I am still in shock to find myself here. I have been in a relationship for fifteen years to “the love of my life” but he decided in January that we are apparently NOT going to be loves anymore nor will he be spending anymore time with me in his life. I am traumatized, grief stricken, and absolutely demolished. I have never faced anything even remotely this difficult before in life. Yet, I am realizing that I am actually a very mentally strong woman. I guess that’s a silver lining. At first all I could think over and over was that the entire past fifteen years of my life have been a lie. The best thing a therapist has told me is that no, those years were not a lie. I was married to my best friend and we were extremely compatible in all the important ways. I lived MY truth by giving him every bit of my love, trust, and energy based on who I thought he was. It was HIM that was living the lie, not me.



I had 23 years in and was absolutely demolished too

Its been 3 years since I found out, 2 years since divorce. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful lady for a year and a half now. I still have my same job, I sold my house that I raised my kids in last spring. 

It is very rare that I don't think about what was done to me, maybe one day out of every 100 I'll escape it. Yesterday my thoughts wandered and I got deep down into that dark place of feelings .... but I came out and went on with my day

We get changed ... I call it recalibrating. For me, along with all the other stuff I've had happen, I've had to recalibrate my views on love, family, marriage ..... its been difficult. We all can do better, we all fail in some ways ... but when one person in a marriage destroys it? That's choice, its calculated, planned and the other person is just left wondering WTF.

I can't tell you how it'll go for you. I function, I live, I have more money now than I ever did, my relationship with my GF is good ...... but I'll ever remarry I don't think, I'll never trust anyone again, I'll never love with 100% .... those things are destroyed by my ex's actions and irreparable. But I have happy days, I'm still looking for something that'll give me great fulfillness in life but until i find it, I'll do the little things everyday that I can and do the best I can, God willing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Arkansas said:


> I had 23 years in and was absolutely demolished too
> 
> Its been 3 years since I found out, 2 years since divorce. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful lady for a year and a half now. I still have my same job, I sold my house that I raised my kids in last spring.
> 
> ...


So you don't trust your girlfriend?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

That's a really tough situation. 

Has he given you any meaningful explanation?


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> So you don't trust your girlfriend?


I'll never trust anyone again absolutely not, no way, never.

I had that - that 100% undeniable, unshakeable, based on a Godly marriage trust once before ..... it was a lie. 

Shame on me for doing that twice


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I'm guessing he met someone else? That'd be the only logical explanation here.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

thunderchad said:


> I'm guessing he met someone else? That'd be the only logical explanation here.


Not the ONLY but the most likely


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Is he taking SSRI's ?


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