# Does Marriage Counseling Work?



## Peaches2011 (Nov 29, 2011)

Hi. I'm new here. Please be gentle! 

My husband and I have been married over 6yrs. We have an 8 week old daughter, whom we tried to conceive for several years through fertility treatments. 

We both agreed that some form of counseling could be beneficial in helping us communicate and/or fix some things that aren't quite right and to hopefully see where things are taking a dramatic turn for me. I need things to get better. I need change. We both do! 

*So, is marriage counseling truly worth it? How does it work if one doesn't find it easy to open up, if at all? *My husband has a hard time talking about feelings and being honest with himself. I'm on the other end; I'm very blunt and honest, and some people find it hard to swallow sometimes. *What happens in marriage counseling?* If I agree to it (which I'm having a hard time doing), I want it to WORK! Does it work if some of the issues are with certain family members that need to butt out aren't in sessions with us? I feel like we are adults and we have a family of our own, and I'm craving for those priorities to be in the right order! Or else! 

We have a daughter that we love, adore and cherish. We are (or use to be?) BEST friends. If things don't change, I am afraid of what will happen.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think you should do the counseling for both your marriages sake and your daughters. You say your husband has a hard time opening up, but he's agreed this would be a good idea. Obviously he wants to work on whatever is wrong with you (both) any way he possibly can, even if it means doing something he doesn't feel completely comfortable with.

Counselors don't 'fix' you. If you go in there thinking that, it won't be beneficial at all.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Counseling has been effective for me on an individual basis, although I no longer go but would go if I returned to my former HMO where I paid just $15 per session, as opposed to the $60 - $75 per session it would cost me now with a PPO.

Marital counseling was NOT effective for my DW and I and it was totally private pay and we were shelling out $100+ per week to do what we thought amounted to "entertaining" our therapist, as most of our issues at the time had to do with our involvement in the "lifestyle" (swinging with other couples and other individuals). We would talk about the party we were just at, the current couples we were considering getting together with, the uneasiness my wife felt in seeing me go down on another woman (yet f***ing another woman would have been fine, although I never felt comfortable enough around my wife to do that, although I had no problem seeing her f*** another guy), what parties we were just at, and other stuff. It seemed more like we were her jesters and that there was no real help going on on her end.

Funny enough, eventually, she dumped US as clients and referred us elsewhere, saying there was no more she could do for us...personally, I think she didn't want to keep honoring the payments of "only" $100 a session she had agreed to and this was her way of getting rid of us.

We never went to the therapist she recommended but, eventually, our involvement in the lifestyle ended and, at first, our relationship was worse than ever but lately it has been stronger than ever, although far from perfect.

Your mileage may vary with a therapist but it didn't work for my wife and I as it seemed like more an opportunity to dump on each other in front of an audience than anything constructive.

But, again, I thought individual counseling for me was very good for me and would be helpful again in the future if I return to my former HMO and only have to shell out $15 a session.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

The only thing I would suggest is don't be afraid to switch if you are not making progress or not comfortable (both of you) with the councilor. The councilor will ask you to DO some things that may seem uncomfortable or awkward--but you should be comfortable with him/her as a person and a mentor/guide as you heal.

Have regular "evaluations" amongst yourselves. If progress slows down or stops, discuss your concerns with the councilor. Don’t be afraid to switch though.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I think it can work if both people are wiling to do the work. First you need a good therapist. There are some quacks out there and there are some good ones too. Remember, the work has to come from you and your partner, the therapist is there to listen and offer advice.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

It's definitely been worth it for me. In our first session we went over communication styles and relationship behaviors and how they can positively or negatively effect our ability to get along and be happy together. After that we have mostly talked about our issues, often starting with specific incidents. It's been really helpful because it provides us an effective framework for opening up with each other and our therapist is great at keeping the conversation productive.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

I will second the opinion that both parties must be open to getting marriage councilling for it to help. The hard work will need to come from the individuals recieving the guidance but an unbiased third party definately helps one see things they might not have before. My husband and I were in councilling reviewing a fight we had previously had over a cell phone. It really was such a stupid thing to fight over. After listening to us both talk she noted that the fight was not over the phone at all but his perception I thought he was stupid and my oer eption he could not be counted on to do what he says he will do. Neither of us were able to see this on our own and we both agree our therapist was dead on with her perception. 

A therapist/ councillor wont fix your problems...but help you learn how to fix your problems by becoming aware of certain patterns, behaviours and feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Counseling works best when each partner can verbalize what they expect counseling to do for them before starting the process.


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## Peaches2011 (Nov 29, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your guidance, advice and answers! 

I am opening up to the idea of marriage counseling BECAUSE it would be an unbiased, 3rd party. I'm just not sure what to expect. Or even where to start! There is a lot to get out and quite a bit to work on. We've always been real close but I don't think previous fights and issues have TRULY been dealt with! 

I've been in therapy before, alone, a few years ago when some things from my childhood were causing me some pain. I went for a few months and no longer needed the "treatment". I have worked on healing myself and dealing with things in a different way for myself. I'm thinking marriage counseling is completely different, and so I am a little anxious and overwhelmed by the idea! Agreeing and doing the work ourselves won't be the issue. 

I'm hoping only great things come from the counseling.


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## Chereen (Nov 30, 2011)

Here's some simple counseling for you. The results depend on what you understand about what I have to say to you. Let's keep it simple, before you married you were Happy enough to say "I DO." Education, Careers, Family, Material Possessions, we are all on that Pursuit of Happiness Path. So we have thoughts that are Happy and thoughts that are Sad. Examine your Thoughts and your Feelings, because Sad, Unhappy Thoughts produce Sad, Unhappy Feelings. Good thoughts, Happy thoughts, produce Good Feelings, Happy Feelings. The Questions should be: What am I thinking right now, How am I Feeling right now? -- Got that so far? Now Eliminate, Delete the Sad, Uhappy Thoughts and what ever else does not Serve You. Focus only on the Good, Happy Qualities of Your Life and the Loving Qualities of Your Mate and your family life. Energy Flows Where Attention Goes.!!! Love One Another, Love the Almighty Above All, and the Two Greatest, Most Powerful Forces in the Universe will be with You and Your Family and the World around you...GBless


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I have been to three and dont expect them to be unbiased. They will usually take a liking to you or your husband. The only one who was any good for me was the one who made decisions and didnt say you had to work it out for yourselves. If you had past unresolved fights and issues you definitely want to go 'further' and its best to get a decision. Even if your wrong you dont have to admit it, at least you can go further seeing that your husband has a a fair point as acknowledged by the counsellor. Until you properly bury the past nothing will help. Very few counsellors are prepared to do that, they are not trained for that to be judges. But believe me that is your only hope. And at least when you have further arguments which will inevitably occur you will have someone to go to settle them quickly.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

biggest and most important thing about marriage counseling: knowing what you want from it! most counselors will want you to tell them your goals to start with anyway, but you can help the process by going into it with a specific part of your marriage you want to adress, ie:
-lack of passion or sex drive
-lack of intimacy
-arguing all the time
-feelings of resentment/betrayel

my wife an i have been to a few serious quacks in the past. if you feel like your counselor is not helping or is making things worse, drop them like a bad habit.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

accept said:


> I have been to three and dont expect them to be unbiased. They will usually take a liking to you or your husband. The only one who was any good for me was the one who made decisions and didnt say you had to work it out for yourselves. If you had past unresolved fights and issues you definitely want to go 'further' and its best to get a decision. Even if your wrong you dont have to admit it, at least you can go further seeing that your husband has a a fair point as acknowledged by the counsellor. Until you properly bury the past nothing will help. Very few counsellors are prepared to do that, they are not trained for that to be judges. But believe me that is your only hope. And at least when you have further arguments which will inevitably occur you will have someone to go to settle them quickly.


There are great counselors and many lousy ones. Start with a PSYCHOLOGIST, not another form of therapist, as they have the best training, it's more extensive, they follow a strict code of ethics, and they use evidence-based approaches. It's a good first step in weeding out the nuts.

Then you have to make sure that your therapist is the right fit for you. That is based on style and personality.

Finally, when you do go to therapy, you have to be willing to own your sh!t. Don't go expecting the therapist to blame everything on your spouse. A good therapist will be non-judgemental, but will challenge both of you to see things in a different way.

And yes, therapy works for people who have the capacity to be open, to self-reflect, and to do the hard work to change unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

<I> A good therapist will be non-judgemental, but will challenge both of you to see things in a different way.</i>
My experience is just the opposite. Like I wrote, unless he apportions blame where it belongs instead of expecting you to admit it you are unlikely to get anywhere but end up paying a lot of money and just going round in circles. Once this is done it can usually be forgotten about and life can move on from past misdeeds.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> And yes, therapy works for people who have the capacity to be open, to self-reflect, and to do the hard work to change unhealthy thoughts and behaviors.


+1


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

Some great points in this thread. I'd add that when choosing a couple counselor 2 things can really increase the likelihood of it working for you. 

First, it's important to chose a counselor who has knowledge and skills in an evidence-based counseling approach. That means their approach is backed by strong marital therapy research and not just pet theories or opinions. Examples are EFT couple therapy (proven to work lastingly with up to 90% of even highly distressed couples). CBT for couples and behavioral couples therapy are also well validated. 

Getting evidence based couple counseling vs any old couples counseling is like taking a medication that is FDA tested and approved vs one that is not. 

Second, working with a spiritually trained marital counselor (i.e. Rabbi or Pastor) who is also trained in an evidence-based couple counseling approach can be even better for those who are spiritually inclined.


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## ZacThomas (Mar 5, 2012)

Counseling can help, but only if both of you are invested in it and you get the right counselor. You've both contributed to the place your marriage is right now, so you'll both have to be ready and willing to make changes. Good luck to you and your husband - if you both want to get the relationship back on track, you should be able to do it. Just remember, every relationship goes through its ups and downs and its stagnant periods.


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