# Husband moving out. I'm lost, sad, and confused.



## deiswoman (Dec 5, 2011)

I've been with my husband for 11 years. I'm 34. We've both been struggling financially for a long time and are finally in a home and with steady jobs. We've grown apart and have been unhappy for a while. I can start by saying that on the old series friends, I would have been somewhere between Rachel and Phoebe and he's Monica. I should mention that he is bipolar and I have depression so mood plays a big role in our more distant periods. We are both intellectual, love nature, same politics, and are pretty happy people most of the time with a few plunges due to mental health. 

Recently our relationship has gotten really bad all of a sudden. Now that we've bought this house I've put my mind to having a baby. I'll be 35 soon and fear it could be the last stop for motherhood since we haven't even tried yet. My husband and I have bickered a lot in the past. He turns critical when he feels neglected or unstructured and I retreat a lot more to avoid the hurt and expression of a more carefree side of me. About two months ago he complained how unhappy he was and I felt numb so he moved out. Immediately I was devastated and begged him to work on this. He confessed he was in love with a blonde woman from his running group and she's not aware of it but he thinks about her a lot. He is afraid of starting a family with me because his was very disfunctional and he would be better with someone a little more like him with organizing and taskmastering.

We went to therapy over the next few weeks. The method seems to be very good. It's more focused on attachment than on communication, the idea being that communication follows good attachment. I really feel like the method is working and I began to realize everything that may have led to him having these feelings. On the other hand, he wrote me, in order of importance, this list of pros and cons: PROS: (1) I love him (2) My parents love him (3) We are financially stable CONS: (1) I am fatter and less attractive than when we met (2) We are incompatible at home: he likes strong structure and I'm more easygoing (3) He is bored with me (4) I would be a lenient parent so kids would play us off each other (5) My mom has recently taken to drinking (6) I don't run or ski (7) I am Catholic. 

Our therapist is not recommending it but he is moving into an apartment over the holidays because he'll have time. I feel deep regret that I have shared too much with my parents. I'm an only child and their relationship with him is important to me. My father is a protective, alpha Irish male (imagine the looks of George Clooney with the craziness of Mel Gibson--he was even a boxer) and let's just say he is not happy with my husband. I'm not sure what to do, then. From what I know about his disorder, it is an emotional one, so this is maybe a phase. The girl is now engaged to someone else and he says their wedding might help. I have dyed my red hair blonde and I'm going to Weight Watchers. With the approaching date of the move coming up, I feel a little impulsive to fix it and fight for motherhood. I don't think our marriage is so bad but the list is painful and the move kind of finalizes things. Adding to my confusion, he himself is not sure he is doing the right thing. 

Has anyone been in such a rut? What happened and how did you get out of it? If you went through with a divorce, how did you survive it? I've never been close to anyone who went through it. My parents have been married for 38 years. My father says anyone married could make a list but the difference is that you have to love each other. Do you feel you came out better (please state whether you divorced or reconciled)? Also, any insights to childless couples divorcing would be helpful. Perspectives from practicing Catholics would also be helpful.

Thank you


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Stop dying your hair, continue marriage counseling. Also, consider individual counseling for both of you, and see a medical doctor for medication to help.

You can talk to your parents, but all of the decisions in your life are yours, not theirs.


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## deiswoman (Dec 5, 2011)

I honor my parents and they are an important part of my life but they don't weigh in on this. I'm just worried it would always be awkward if we mended things and stayed together. I liked that my dad had a good relationship with him and my parents were close to their own in-laws, even if it wasn't always perfect. I do want to get back on medication but it makes me gain weight. I probably won't stop dying my hair for now. (I kind of like the change.) We do plan to continue counseling and I will continue it on my own, too. His lease is for six months. It's a gamble: (1) wait for this ship to turn around, give it a year, then have a baby, (2) wait for this ship to turn around, give it a year, then be dumped anyway (3) freeze my eggs for less of a goofball (4) match.com and have a baby.  If biology could work with me a little, I might have my head in the right place. It's the only thing in life that's really not negotiable.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you don't want to take meds, look into a diet and exercise program instead. I did that and I'm off of meds. But you have to stay on the program with exercise. If you don't, you will fall back hard. Both of you should join a gym and go at least 5 times a week for one hour.

Drink only water. Eat whole grain bread items, fruit, veggies, and poultry on a regular bases.


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