# No divorce. Am I normal? AM I OKAY?



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Well, my husband did not go through with the divorce this morning. He postponed it. I am so numb anymore. I still don't know whether I am happy or sad over the matter. On a positive note, it gives me more time to figure this out. I know that we can always re-marry later, if we regret getting a divorce, but I don't want that. If we are going to make it work, then I don't want the legal break-up. I mean, I would like to avoid the hassle, if possible.

I feel like a ping-pong ball being bounced back and forth across the table. I am like Ross Perot at the moment... I'm in... I'm out... I love him... I hate him... I want him... I don't want him.

I don't cry, but my heart pounds incessantly at times. Not from heartache, but anxiety. I am sad too.

What is wrong with me? Has anybody out there ever experienced these feelings before? Is this normal? Am I normal? Am I okay?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Crisis~

In a word, no it is not normal and you are not okay. "Okay" would be peace, security, consistency in words and actions, being treated lovingly and with respect, and absolute absence of any attempt to control. 

Now I get it--no marriage is perfect and there are occasional bumps and dramas--but to give you an example of "okay" I've been married to Dear Hubby and we average I think about three dramas a year. Yes you read that right. There are consistently three times a year when his ex suddenly remembers she has children and even though she's ignored them all year long, tries to stick her nose in and force things to go her way. Even in that drama, we mostly ignore her and let her experience whatever emotion she chooses. The entire rest of the year, we peacefully spend days and nights together. We discuss things that we disagree about and end the discussion respecting the other's opinion. We say we'll be at a place or with a person, and we are. I know that I have a place in this world that is completely safe, and it's him--and likewise he has that place with me. We are not constantly confused, always in trauma, or in some sort of adrenalin drama. 

Now I know that you know that when you are away from your husband, life calms down and you feel peaceful. You don't have to walk on eggshells or "report" to him or live life his way. Right? Well I feel that same calm WITH my husband. 

So crisis, I care about you. You are NOT okay and this is NOT normal.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I don't feel normal. I feel guilty for wanting to do things for my own benefit and not my husband's. The irony in this is that my husband always accused me of being selfish, but I never felt that I was. I was always concerned about how he would react to anything I might have done. Before I met my husband, I didn't really care too much about what anyone thought about me, aside from the overall impression that one would have of me. I mean, self-presentation, or reputation. But, as far as every little thing I did every day of my life was concerned, I did not care about what others thought, and I know they really didn't care what I did either. Nobody has the time, or is so unselfish that they care about every little thing you do, or so I thought.

My husband always seemed to care about every little detail. At times, I would feel as if I were lying to him, although I was telling the truth. For instance, there were times where he would try to track the money I spent, so I would tell him about every item I bought over a period of time and how much it cost me. When I would finally tell him that I was broke, he would begin to go over all that he remembered I spent and what I spent it on. He would leave out all the little trips I made for ice cream in the middle of the night, at his request, and so on. Before I knew it, he would say something like "I don't know. It just doesn't add up. You know what I think? You might be stashing money away, or hiding money from me. That's deceitful. Something doesn't add up." I would begin to back track and try to remember if I had left something out. I would try to defend myself by going over what I spent again, and again. He would question me for days on end. Sometimes, he would leave me alone about it for a couple of days, or even a couple of weeks after the initial confrontation, but would always remember confront me about it again at some point in time. When he would finally brinkg the matter up again, usually spawned by him being angry with me over something else, I would become a mess. The anxiety would be ten-fold, sometime so bad I would throw-up, or begin to hyperventilate and have heart palpitations, sending me to the ER.

Now, my husband has been in therapy for aver seven months, and says he has become a better man. He says that he never wants me to feel that way again, but I am still scared. I want to believe him, but I am so skeptical. How can he possibly guarantee me that I will not go through any of it ever again? He read the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" and wants me to read it. He tells me that it has changed his life and the way he looks at women. Have you ever read it? If so, what do you think about it? He told me that he was amazed at how much it related to us and how it has every type of situation in it. I asked him if it mentioned anything about spousal abuse.

I feel like I was strong just a couple of months ago, but am now weak. I feel like I am too weak to resist him. I feel like if I tried to resist him now, after allowing him to get close to me again, I would be acting like a very bad person. I would be severely hurting him. I never meant to give hope for us. I always tried to refrain from reciprocating when he said "I love you." or "I miss you.", but he would just continue to tell me such things. I would get mad at him for telling me these things. I felt that he was trying to get me to say them, or extract emotions from me. It made me feel horrible to not say them in return, because I felt like I was being mean. There are times when I say the words just to appease him. I don't want to be mean.

We have gotten to the point where we talk about 'when we get back together.' How did I get here? I got tired of fighting him. I got tired of getting mad at him for telling me that he knew that I still loved him and that I did not have to say it. It was like he convinced me that I still loved him. I mean, of course, I did still love him, but I did not want to. I wanted to get to the point where I could tell him to leave me alone without feeling like I was a bad person. Whenever I would get upset with him for saying any of these things, he would tell me that I was treating him like sh*t. I just wanted to erase him, but he would not let me.

I want the life he has promised me. I want to be loved, respected and appreciated by my spouse. I want my spouse to want for my happiness. I want to quit my job. I want to start my own business. I want children. Could he be telling me the truth? Could he have seen the err of his ways? Could he have seen the light?

I am so clouded right now. I am so confused. I am hurt. I am skeptical. I am hopeful. I am doubtful. I am excited about what could be. I dread what could be. I want to be married to my husband. I don't want anything to do with my husband. And so on.

He tells me that I have to take a leap of faith. The problem is I have not yet found the faith. How can you take a leap of faith without the faith?

How do I clear my head? How do I feel strong and sure?


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