# Struggling to support family while husband games and sleeps



## AlexSansDieu (2 mo ago)

For background, my husband and I have been married 3 years and have a 2 year old with another baby on the way. My husband was recently let go from his job at our mutual workplace because of a felony record that, somehow, was never an issue at hiring but the company later decided was a terminal matter. He has been out of work going on 3 months, and has done essentially nothing to rectify this fact - no job hunting, not keeping up with the eligibility requirements for unemployment, no effort toward an alternative way of generating income. We both know his unfortunate record makes hiring difficult, a fact reinforced by the way the ONE job he has applied to never contacted him back upon him disclosing his record. We are currently working with a lawyer to mitigate this fact, but progress on that front will be slow, expensive, and uncertain. 

Him not pulling his weight has consistently been a problem throughout our marriage. He used to drink heavily and has thankfully quit (as a result of me essentially giving him an ultimatum after he drove drunk to pick me up from work one night,) but he is addicted to gaming in equal measure and it is destroying our relationship. He has applied for unemployment but since done none of the job hunting or other requisite things to qualify for it, meaning money that could help us get by is just…. Not being tapped. I am working 45+ hour weeks as a waitress while pregnant; anyone who has waited tables will know it is a physically, mentally, and emotionally punishing job even without a pregnancy. We have a mortgage and soon two children with a likely recession next year barreling toward us; I spend hours awake in bed every night despite my exhaustion because I’m too worried to sleep. I still get up with the toddler most days of the week because my husband routinely stays up until 3,4,5 in the morning playing a computer game, so I’ve usually put in 3-4 hours of childcare before then going to work anywhere from 5 to 10 hours. When I come home, the house is usually even messier than when I left it, and if I want to eat, I have to make my own meal. I’m often too tired to cook so I end up grazing on easy snack food even though I need to be eating better for my pregnancy. Despite being 26 weeks pregnant, I have not had any net weight gain, and felt relieved when my recent ultrasound recently showed that the baby is at least growing properly and measuring as expected, meaning I’m simply shedding my own body weight. I also train incoming servers and assist my disabled father, so my one day off each week is spent preparing my lesson plans and materials, helping my dad with chores, grocery shopping, meal prep, budgeting, and the household chores my husband doesn’t do during the week. He will do a sink full of dishes or some laundry every other day or so, but it’s usually the bare minimum to avoid being nagged at. When we both worked, I had more time at home with our toddler to spend helping him learn and develop, but I am certain now that he spends all day in front of the TV while my husband is engrossed in his game. Even when my husband gets up with him, they just go in the den and my husband falls back asleep, so I usually just get up with him no matter how tired I am or how long my work day will be because I want him to have a conscious parent interacting with him for the few hours I’m home. My husband isn’t even feeding him correctly - for dinner he usually just gives him a tortilla with some cheese or some peanut butter crackers - whatever takes the least effort to arrange. No balance, no vegetables or fruit. My son has started to have sleep and behavioral issues exactly timed to when I began working these hours which tells me it’s a result of my husband not putting in meaningful time with him. I am terrified all day at work that I’m going to get a phone call about my son being hurt or worse because my husband isn’t paying any attention to him except to yell at him when he can’t ignore whatever he’s doing. 

Im exhausted, worried, demoralized, lonely, resentful, and burned out. I do everything I can to make things easier for my husband to accomplish - I put a lot of work into making his few responsibilities easier in the hopes that maybe he can manage to get things done, but what little he does do is usually for my view when I’m at home; very little gets done if I’m not looking and is very half-assed and inconsistent. I hate that I miss my son and am too tired in my time off to be the mom I want to be, and my husband is squandering the endless hours he has with him. I hate coming home from these grueling shifts just to stare at the back of his head and have to repeat things I say multiple times because he’s too focused on his game to acknowledge I’m speaking to him. I’ve put hours into researching alternative forms of income he could try his hand at since conventional employment is unreliable for him and he has expressed interest but then never follows through.

I am careful to edit my expectations to be sure what I’m asking is reasonable and that my interactions with him are calm, rational, and empathetic. Eventually I end up having to write him long letters explaining just how badly his choices affect me and our son, and he will sporadically make some token efforts for a little while before sinking right back into his gaming. He KNOWS he isn’t doing his fair share because he occasionally sheepishly acknowledges that fact, but his efforts to remedy things are never serious or sustained. The only other way he ever reacts is to become defensive and blow up in anger, no matter how reasonably or calmly I’ve stated my case. He can’t stand to have his laziness identified or addressed and I’m rapidly giving up hope that this will ever change. He is simply content to sit on his game and let me work myself to exhaustion, to worry for hours when I need to be sleeping, to let me struggle while pregnant and let the TV raise our son. I look at all my books I want to read and don’t have time or energy to, the projects I want to accomplish and can’t, the days I go between showers because I’m too tired to bathe, I see how gaunt I’m becoming and I long for hours with my son, and feel nothing but rage that my husband spends 6,7,8,10+ hours a day playing a game. I’ve explained to him how he’s purchasing those endless hours of leisure with my exhaustion and anxiety and he will half-heartedly shuffle through some chores long enough to get me off his back, but there is no sustained effort with anything. He hints and makes “jokes” about how we barely have sex anymore but where am I supposed to generate the energy for that when I can’t even make it through a shower? Perhaps the worst insult of it all is the ridiculous, absurd amount of relief and gratitude I feel when he does even the most basic chores, and I know the torrent of appreciation and praise I shower on him just for accomplishing a simple chore without me having to beg is counterproductive.

I don’t want to divorce but I’m feeling more and more hopeless. I feel disgusted with myself for not being stronger or more compelling. I’m terrified of what will happen to us if I fail or burn out somehow. He has the luxury of being blithely ignorant or negligent of that danger because his needs are all being met without any effort on his part. Every indication is suggesting a painful recession is on the horizon and two-income families with more security than we have lose everything in recessions. I’m eternally panicking. 

I suppose I’m just venting. I suspect I already know most advice anyone might give because I’ve already heard or thought of most of it, but I guess I’m open to any fresh perspective I may not have considered? 🤷🏻‍♀️

So tired.

Tl;dr my husband seems to have zero interest in contributing to our family’s survival and a result my life has become miserable and exhausting.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's a line in the movie Roadhouse where Patrick Swayze is schooling the other bouncers where he says, "..Just be nice,, until you can't be nice."

You back is against the wall here. It's time to not be nice.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why don’t you want to divorce? The kids? Your husband is doing nothing for you. Your description is the definition of a freeloading bum


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Also, did t felony give you pause?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> Why don’t you want to divorce? The kids? Your husband is doing nothing for you. Your description is the definition of a freeloading bum


Unloading him would actually make your burden lighter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

He is eating food, drinking water, using electricity and water and generating sewage and garbage, but yet not providing or contributing anything useful. 

An organism that lives off of another organism while not providing any useful benefit to the host is called a parasite. 

What do we do with parasites? We flick them away or swat them. 

In his current state, you would be better off on your own. At this point even a roommate off of Craigslist that at least pays half of the rent and utilities would be a giant step up. Do you have any friends or family that you can stay with for awhile until he either gets his ass off the couch and steps up to the plate or starves or drinks to death? 

It's time to stop being accepting and accommodating. It's time to not be nice.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

He needs to make an effort & bring in some money. Everybody in the world is short staffed so he should be able to get some work there is NO EXCUSE for not even applying for unemployment. 

In short he has to pull his weight. 

Alas I think it's time for another ultimatum but the timing is up to you. I'm certainly not going to judge you negatively if you accept what will hopefully be child care for the new born but in time your husband needs to start acting like the parent & stop acting like the child. 

I suspect your disabled father would feed your children better than their father is.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Can you tell us what on earth you are getting from this relationship? He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t love his child. Why on earth did you get pregnant again? You are leaving a toddler alone with a man that can’t be bothered to provide him the most basic care. You worry about that every day? Over my dead body would I leave my baby with someone who barely acknowledges him. That’s not what good dads do. Or moms. You’re just closing your eyes and hoping for the best every day when you leave the house? Omg. You realize if he gave a crap about you he would be an adult partner. You married a felon, you got pregnant again with a guy that is growing into your couch and you leave your baby in his care. I wonder, have you ever seen a normal relationship, where dad walks in the house and can’t wait to pick up his kiddo and shower him with love and attention? My husband would step in front of a truck for our kids. Overnights, baths, diapers, doctors appts. He did it all, maybe even more than me. To me that’s normal. That’s all I’ve ever seen among our family and friends. I’m not sure there’s much we can do for you here since you don’t want to leave. Just know, this is completely unacceptable abnormal behavior for a married father. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You can make your own choices. Unfortunately they are at the mercy of yours.


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