# What worked for us (so far)



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

With all the threads about how things went wrong or what to do in crisis, I thought I would share how I dealt with my wife’s EA, to the point we are reconciling now. Maybe someone can use this to their benefit. We’ve been married 15 yrs, have 3 kids, youngest is 10.

I caught my wife’s EA via an email exchange. She and her friend had fallen in love with each other finally after 20 years of platonic friendship. EA got deep maybe 1-2 weeks before I caught it. Email 4/23/2011. Caught it 5/4/2011 while I was away on business. 

She wrote how she dreamed she could be with him, but it was clear they had never gotten physical to that point. After 3 hours of pacing my hotel room and feeling sick, I called her in the middle of the night, and confronted right away. She denied it until I read her the email off my laptop. I didn‘t need any more information. The email was clear as to what had and had not happened. She said “I guess you’re going to say I can’t ever see him again.” And then, “okay, but you have to let me say goodbye”. 

Came home from business trip late the next night, not having slept in 48 hours. She was scared, stayed up waiting for me. We talked, made a lot of headway, and she came on to me sexually. I refused. She then cried for a long time. However we did have sex a couple of days later.

While it killed me, I originally agreed to let them meet at a restaurant to say their goodbyes. The good people at TAM told me not to. So I reneged and told her to make it a phone call instead. Phone records indicate that call was 99 mins long. She then texted me, “Call is done. It’s over.”

I pulled the 180 the next day. She came to me saying that I was still ignoring her, not being attentive, etc. and that I was acting like I did before (which indicated to me, I was pulling an unconscious 180 for a good part of our marriage). So I backed off the 180 after one day and implemented the Plan A. Bought His Needs Her Needs and read it voraciously the whole next week. We had good days and some VERY bad days there. And we had unbelievable sex.

Then, 3 weeks past DDay, Memorial Day weekend, she went on her previously scheduled girls trip. Two days before the trip, she indicated to me there were a couple of things she needed to say to the OM that she didn’t get to say to him due to the shock of everything and it happening so fast – she wanted to send him one last email. I refused – said you had your chance on your 99 minute phone call. She leaves on the trip and we are in a very bad place.

On this trip, I was able to see that she texted back and forth with the OM about 60 times. Sprint doesn’t allow this information normally, but the rep broke the rules and told me. At this point I wasn’t sad and hurt, I was PISSED. I called her immediately on her vacation. This time, she didn’t deny it. I asked why, she said, “because you wouldn’t let me send my last email”. I said, “why 60 texts then, why not just the one last one you needed to send?” Her response, “I don’t know”. I lost my temper and chewed her out for 15 minutes straight. Not my best moment.

Realizing that was a losing battle, I said, “go ahead and send your ‘last’ email”. But if after that, you ever contact him again, I will divorce you without even thinking about it. So she sent one last long text. He sent one back. And that was it.
But, she kept these last two texts on her phone, on purpose, for a memento. I asked her if they were still on the phone (knowing that they were), and she lied and said no. So the next day I grabbed her phone, handed it to her, and said, show me the texts are gone. She got to her messages, handed the phone back to me and they were there. Busted. I confronted again, then she immediately deleted the texts, angry. I read the texts without her knowledge. Hers was pretty typical. His pissed me off – and I shared that on a thread awhile back. 

Since then things have improved tremendously, and there has been no contact at all, that I can tell. That was 3 months ago. We have gone to a few MC sessions and are getting along quite well, loving each other, etc. Every week gets a little easier, but we do still have speed bumps and aren’t out of the woods. My wife has done a TON of heavy lifting with me, shown remorse, commitment and love. But if I’ve learned one thing, it’s never take this for granted again.

sorry for the long post - I had other threads that I've since deleted and thought I would consolidate here - special thanks to Amplexor, Eli-Zor and Lord Mayhem - who all gave me the most pertinent advice during my hell.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Nice post Gabriel. Glad things are on the mend and my best wishes that they continue in that direction. Thanks for the acknowledgment, much appreciated. Keep strong.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

We go through hell for those we love, one day maybe they will appreciate it. 

Thanks for the post.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You got it Amp. Another thing I learned. Once the A is dealt with, don't continue to bash the OM. I did this, and it just made her want to defend him. She already knows how you feel about him. Why give her ammo to get defensive? That's something I would do differently.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Eli - thank YOU.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Gabriel said:


> Once the A is dealt with, don't continue to bash the OM. I did this, and it just made her want to defend him. She already knows how you feel about him.


Spot on!


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