# What to do about husband who doesn't want sex



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Hi, Just came across this forum when I was researching online trying to find out why my husband of 18 months doesn't want sex with me any more. We're both in our fifties and were childhood sweethearts who lost touch for 35 years before rediscovering each other. Sex at first was fairly frequent, but over the past 8 months or so has dropped off to once every 6 - 8 weeks or so. I can't carry on like this - being married but with no intimacy. It's beginning to feel a bit weird getting into bed with a man who's becoming more like a room mate to me than a husband. I spent most of my adult life unmarried and bringing up my kids alone. However, I had more sex when I was single than I get now that I'm married. We have spoken about this situation and my husband promises to be more attentive sexually (this is when I'm at the end of my tether and actually weeping about the problem - I rarely cry so he knows how seriously I'm taking this), then we have sex the next night and then go back to no sex for weeks on end again. I really don't know what to do about this situation - do I carry on for weeks on end until I reach the end of my tether, we have an argument and then have sex to stop me from walking out.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Possibly a medical issue that is embarrassing to him, i.e. ED, low T, etc. Mid 50s could be the time when things like this start to happen. Is he in good shape, works out regularly?

Wouldn't hurt to see a dr. to get his T levels checked.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm sorry doobie. This is so sad and frustrating and not right.

A few questions for you.

1. Is he super busy, workaholic? This stress can affect his drive.
2. Does he have any performance issues when you do have sex?
Men with performance issues may have shame and avoid sex
unecessarily. It's a male pride thing.
3. What does he say to you the reasons when you do discuss?

The bottom line is this: once you take your vows, part of that vow is to love your wife, and that means you've got to step to the plate and love her physically.

husbands and wives have got to find a way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you date before you got married? Do you initiate sex, and he turns you down? Or are you waiting passively for him to initiate?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm sorry your going through this. 

I am too. It really sucks.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html

Here is my thread that details everything I've tried.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Possibly a medical issue that is embarrassing to him, i.e. ED, low T, etc. Mid 50s could be the time when things like this start to happen. Is he in good shape, works out regularly?
> 
> Wouldn't hurt to see a dr. to get his T levels checked.


Definitely get his T levels checked, preferably by a doc who specializes in male hormones. Also here is a link with health reasons to get it checked. Testosterone does more than just make us horny. Testosterone Benefits: Why Testosterone is Important | The Art of Manliness


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Leave now, before you have kids. Just my 2c.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

dedad said:


> Leave now, before you have kids. Just my 2c.


Considering they're in their 50's, that's likely not too much of a concern...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

PBear said:


> Do you initiate sex, and he turns you down? Or are you waiting passively for him to initiate?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very good words.

Maybe he got tired of initiating and started to doubt you desired sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

soulseer said:


> Very good words.
> 
> Maybe he got tired of initiating and started to doubt you desired sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, but don't put words on my fingertips. . I wasn't trying to imply she was not initiating. I was trying to find out what was going on. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

PBear said:


> Thanks, but don't put words on my fingertips. . I wasn't trying to imply she was not initiating. I was trying to find out what was going on.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apologies for the implication.

It was infact my own thought. I wasnt trying to imply that lack of initiation was the problem I was probably projecting my issues onto this topic
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Mismatched sex drives is a nearly insoluble - and rarely solved - problem, unless there is a physical, medical, or psychological issue that can be discovered and addressed successfully.

My opinion on this is to spend a year (at most two) seeking solutions - IF and only if your spouse will agree to work on it with you and both work on it individually. If there is no satisfactory solution or compromise by then, either accept the situation or break up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

soulseer said:


> Apologies for the implication.
> 
> It was infact my own thought. I wasnt trying to imply that lack of initiation was the problem I was probably projecting my issues onto this topic
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No worries. Both my SO and I came from intimacy challenged marriages, and I know how frustrating it was for her to be continuously rejected. In some ways, I think it was even harder for her, because after all, everyone knows that guys ALWAYS want sex... . Her attempts to fix that side of things (and failing, with no suggestion of what was wrong) were extraordinary. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

PBear said:


> No worries. Both my SO and I came from intimacy challenged marriages, and I know how frustrating it was for her to be continuously rejected. In some ways, I think it was even harder for her, because after all, everyone knows that guys ALWAYS want sex... . Her attempts to fix that side of things (and failing, with no suggestion of what was wrong) were extraordinary.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thanks for understanding
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies. Here are some answers to the questions:

I have tried initiating sex in the past - on his birthday I dressed up in a bodystocking he'd persuaded me to buy but by the time I came back from the bathroom, he'd fallen asleep. That was last July and I haven't tried to initiate it since as I can't handle the rejection. I already feel really unattractive due to this problem. In reality I know I'm not unattractive, I have a great figure, take care of myself, eat properly, exercise, etc.

We dated for a year before getting married - I'm 55 and he's 54.

He is on medication for heart problems - I've tried to persuade him to see the doctor about whether the medication is still suitable for him (he's been on it for 10 years) but he couldn't be bothered. That was when we were back in the UK for Christmas - we normally live in Greece and don't have regular health care providers here - it's emergency only. We won't be in a position to see a doctor again until December.

He's not super busy or a workaholic. We both work from home and spend just about 24/7 together - we get on really well as house mates, but that seems to be what it is - we're in a housemates relationship.

He constantly tells me he loves me, and I don't doubt that - I just find myself withdrawing because there's no intimacy. When he kisses me (several times a day), it's just a brotherly peck - we haven't actually had a snog for about a year - we don't even kiss when we do have sex.

I know that he and his first wife were swingers, but he claims not to want to do that anymore - citing that it causes relationship problems. I've spoken to him about having an open marriage, but he says he doesn't want that - he claims that he just never feels turned on or wants sex.

On the few occasions when we do have sex, he likes it rough - I've told him this hurts me and asked him to be gentler, but even when he claims to have been making an effort to be gentle, it's still a bit too rough for me. I was hoping that this was something we'd be able to work through together, but we don't actually have sex enough to be able to work on it at all. From what I gather, he sees sex as a recreational activity, not as a way of communicating and connecting - another issue I was hoping we'd be able to work on - but we need to be actually having sex to work on becoming more compatible. 

I don't want to get a divorce, we've both invested far too much in this relationship for that, but at the same time, I don't want to be a non-sexual being. I'm finding that this is affecting our day to day relationship - I just can't go on like this. I do believe him when he says he loves me,, but I need more than words. We have an enviable life, living in the sun on a paradise island, but our marriage is absolutely barren. As I said, we have discussed this and he's promised to make more effort, but then doesn't and we go through the whole 6 - 8 week thing again of me getting more and more frustrated and upset and eventually him getting annoyed with me until we have an argument about it. I don't want to have to have an argument to get some physical affection - I want him to want me.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

It sounds like his 1st marriage is tainting him with respect sex. I am guessing his ex cheated and he is having issues with sex because he isn't over the cheating. (reading into the swinging bit, so this could be off base)


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Everyone is assuming that he is the source of the problem. Maybe he isn't. May it's something she did to cause this like gaining weight, spending too much money, being annoying. It's too bad that everyone thinks it's the husband that is the source of the problem.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

doobie said:


> ...
> 
> He's not super busy or a workaholic. - we're in a housemates relationship.....
> 
> ...


Hey!!! I could have written this. I've got nothing for you advise wise, but know you are sadly not alone.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Okay, I have put on a little weight. I went down to 39 kilos in the first few months after we met and it's been a long hard slog to get my weight back up to 42 kilos. I barely spend any money on myself and I earn most of our income at the moment as my husband has found it difficult to get work coming in here. He is an artist/tattooist and needs to find clients. I'm a writer and I have a few long term clients so, although we're pretty broke for the most part, it's my income that's keeping us. I've made a point of being very sensitive about the way in which I handle this as I know this is something that he could see as a threat to his masculinity. However, that's not what the problem is about - he has told me that he never thinks about sex, never gets turned on, never even wakes with a morning hard-on. Sex just isn't something that crosses his mind from one week to the next. He seems to think that we're old because we're in our fifties - however, I don't feel old, I'm vital, have a fairly young outlook on life, take care of myself and am fit.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He could very well feel old in his 50's. Some people do. Especially if he has heart issues and hasn't had his meds checked regularly. 

You have to decide if you really want to feel old with him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

doobie said:


> on. Sex just isn't something that crosses his mind from one week to the next.


My H told me that one, too. Have you checked his computer for porn? 

I went through my H not wanting sex. I also thought maybe it was me; but it wasn't. It was a long road, a lot of fighting, and some of the most depressing days of my life! 

I really think the best thing you can do is get out of the house. Get away from him if you can. If you write maybe you can work at a library or something. Get a hobby that has nothing to do with him. That's what I did. Not a hobby, but a career. I threw myself into pursuing a career and said to h*ll with his ridiculousness. 

Once you've communicated your needs you have to back off. Just listen to what he's saying by the actions he's using. Fighting for sex with your H is a double-edge sword. Even if you get it you're gonna hate him. You will never be happy if it's laborious. You have to back off completely and see if he fulfills your needs. I promise he knows what you want. You do not have to know why he isn't delivering. It really doesn't matter. If he won't communicate with you then that is also a form of communication!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

No, I definitely don't want to feel old with him - he even calls himself an old man. I feel like I'm just part my prime however, and doing really well with it. He does compliments me and tells me I'm hot, but has no interest in having sex with me or any other sort of connection. We have a great life in many ways and we certainly cannot afford to get divorced - neither of us can afford to live alone and we've both put too much into this relationship for it not to work. We've both moved abroad to live, haven't managed to make many friends where we live as yet and are totally dependent on each other in all sorts of ways. 

It's hard for me to get out of the house in a foreign country or to get an outside job for that matter - I work online from home. I need a powerful internet connection so working from a bar or cafe just wouldn't work. I need a load of tech gear to work as well, so am pretty much tied to my desk which is in our spare room.

When my husband was ill recently, I slept in the spare room and found this much easier than lying next to a man that doesn't want me physically. I've tried broaching the subject of having my own bedroom as I think that might make it easier to deal with, but he gets angry about me not wanting to sleep with him. We have visitors coming at the end of the month but when they have gone I'm thinking of moving into the spare bedroom then and sleeping on the sofa bed. I find it very difficult to stay in bed all night at the moment and often get up and spend the night on the sofa. Does anybody here have any advice on separate bedrooms and if that would be a helpful move.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Just curious, how did you two meet back up & why did you move to a foreign country? I'm guessing you left behind friends and family, which may have offered you some support.


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## inman (Apr 17, 2014)

There are lots of things that can set a man off. Stupid things, insignificant things that make him angry, annoyed, or just distracted. Unfortunately these things can affect sexual performance if they're enough of a bother to him. 

I can't speak for everyone but I know that when I'm angry, I mean really angry, I'm very irrational, and things that are important get neglected. It's not right but it does happen.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

doobie said:


> ...I just find myself withdrawing because there's no intimacy. When he kisses me (several times a day), it's just a brotherly peck - we haven't actually had a snog for about a year - we don't even kiss when we do have sex.


See, this is the part that I couldn't live without. Kissing, to me, is one of the most intimate things you can do with your partner. Pecks on the cheek just don't cut it.

I lived with a man (now my ex) who sounds exactly like your husband. Roommate situation, no deep kissing, a very lonely relationship.

To me, more than no sex, the no kissing thing is a HUGE red flag and a deal breaker.

I'm sorry for what you're going through...


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We met up again online and I had already made plans then to move abroad. We met for real when I came back to UK for Christmas the first year after I'd moved abroad and we got on really well - hit it off fine. I then spent a week staying with him at his place and then returned abroad. He came to stay with me for a month and during that time asked me to marry him and started arranging to move abroad to be with me. He moved two months after his return to UK and we got married 8 months after that (having lived together in the meantime). It's only since we got married that we've been having this no sex problem. We didn't have sex for the first 3 weeks of marriage and have probably had sex about a dozen times in all since we got married 15 months ago. 

The lack of kissing is a huge issue for me. He kisses me (peck on the cheek) abotu 20 times a day, tells me he loves me, tells me how good I look, etc - but we haven't really had a snogging session since we got married - even when we have sex, there is no kissing involved. When we do have sex, it's very recreational - he likes really dirty talk which I'm not at all comfortable with - I find it really hard to say the things he likes me to say, but I persevere in case that's what's been putting him off sex. There is no tenderness or gentleness in the sex - it's pretty much porn style sex where I end up in uncomfortable positions which make it hard for me to relax enough to enjoy it and feel any pleasure. He is very aggressive with sex, rubbing so hard it hurts, etc. These are all issues that I would try to work on if we had sex on a regular basis, but as it only really happens every six to eight weeks, it's just not regular enough to develop a sexual style that suits both of us.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Do not do the separate bedrooms. For one thing, it gives an easy out. And the other thing it limits is any time that you two can be alone, and try to connect. Even if it is not physical, just being forced to do routine stuff together such as brush teeth, change clothes, helps you from drifting apart.

So, even though it may not let you get a good nights sleep, do not give in and let sleep be a higher priority than trying to make your marriage work. Sleep is important, but once you go separate rooms, there is far less hope because if you want to try something you literally have to force yourself to take a big risk and go knocking on his door. And that will feel uncomfortable. I sense it is already difficult enough to try to talk him into sex. What if you have to change rooms and make yourself completely vulnerable to rejection when you want to have sex. You will probably lie awake wondering if it is too late to try go to the next room to have sex with your husband. Hence no sleep that way either.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

doobie said:


> The lack of kissing is a huge issue for me. He kisses me (peck on the cheek) abotu 20 times a day, tells me he loves me, tells me how good I look, etc - but we haven't really had a snogging session since we got married - even when we have sex, there is no kissing involved. When we do have sex, it's very recreational - he likes really dirty talk which I'm not at all comfortable with - I find it really hard to say the things he likes me to say, but I persevere in case that's what's been putting him off sex. There is *no tenderness or gentleness in the sex *- it's pretty much porn style sex where I end up in uncomfortable positions which make it hard for me to relax enough to enjoy it and feel any pleasure. He is very aggressive with sex, rubbing so hard it hurts, etc. These are all issues that I would try to work on if we had sex on a regular basis, but as it only really happens every six to eight weeks, it's just not regular enough to develop a sexual style that suits both of us.


Ouch, I almost wonder why you would want sex after he treats you like that. Sounds like he needs an instruction manual to tell him where the sensitive parts are, and just how sensitive they can be.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

If you want a very honest opinion from an objective 3rd party, sadly, it sounds like you are entirely sexually mismatched. To be newlyweds and have this occurring is absolutely not good. This period of time is usually blissful, and it either stays the same going forward (best case scenario, but unlikely), or more commonly goes downhill to one degree or another from there. To have only have had sex 12 times in 15 months of marriage... really, really not a good sign. 

But more than all that, the type of sex he's into seems like a terrible mismatch for you as well. You're craving romance, love, intimacy with your husband (rightly so!!!!); you want to feel tenderness and gentleness from your husband, you want him to _make love to you_ (of course!), and he only wants it rough, porn style, with no kissing - to the point you are physically uncomfortable or in pain. And this is on the very RARE occasion that you have sex at all. Honestly, the picture you are painting is, to me, heartbreaking.

You sound like someone who deserves more and better than this. You've got a vibrant attitude towards life, you're taking care of yourself, keeping fit etc. Many a man would consider you to be everything they've been looking for. You feel like you're in your prime at your age, he feels like you guys are too old for sex (crazy!). As an outsider looking in, based merely on everything you've described, you may need to come to terms with the fact that you are mismatched in not just one, but several different ways sexually, and give yourself permission to go forward to find the real Mr Right. Life is too precious to waste in an unhappy situation that really doesn't show a lot of potential for improvement. Somewhere right now, someone out there is looking for everything you have to offer. Go find him!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thank you all for your replies - it's such a relief to actually have people to discuss this with - I don't really have any friends yet where we're living (only been here since October) and certainly nobody close enough that I could discuss this sort of thing with. The only friend I do have that I could talk to is already in a state because she and her husband only have sex 3 or 4 times a week and she wants more. Admitting to her that we don't have sex from one month to the next would be excruciating for me! 

I'm thinking at least if I had my own bedroom I would have the privacy to be able to take care of it myself a few times a week. We spend just about 24/7 together, both working from home, so privacy would be great. Because my husband rarely bathes or showers, it would also be much nicer for me to sleep in a nice clean bed without any body smells. There's no use staying in the same room as him in the hope that I'll get some - there's absolutely no chance of that. I would get more in my own bedroom  . 

We've had a great day together today, working in the garden building raised beds to try some straw bale gardening. We get on great as business partners and house mates, but our marriage is totally platonic. It's now reached a stage where I feel uncomfortable undressing in front of him as it seems inappropriate - he's more like a brother than a husband. When we first got together two years ago, I was quite happy to strip off and wander round naked - I know I'm in my fifties, but I do take care of myself and have nothing to be ashamed of - my body is fine. In fact, my husband often says I have the body of a 20 year old - he does appreciate it - he just doesn't want it.


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