# I begged and pleaded to him and am ashamed, will No Contact still work?



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Hello friends,

Sorry for this long post. I am going to sound really desperate and maybe even idiotic with my behavior. Please be understandable and kind, but at the same time you don't have to sugar coat any advice, thanks:

I have posted here on this forum about my situation earlier this year. I have created a list about what lead to my shambled marriage, but if you'd like here is the link to the original post below:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-not-love-me-emotional-affair-maybe-more.html

Most of you caring people told me to file for divorce for him to really get the picture, or just for the sake of me moving on if he didn't try after I filed. But I just couldn't. I was so afraid that my mental state would be compromised, this time in my life has left me in such pitiful shambles!  

My husband and I are separated, and he's been really angry at times, mostly distant and cold these past 5 months, though he said he wanted to try. We've been married 15 years. For those who have read my past story please skip the list below, but otherwise we separated because of the following:




He's always been way touchy/feely and driven by sex. I love moreso from my heart and I guess more of a PG type of love. It got too much for me once I got sick with Pituitary tumors and he still tried to get intimate during my recovery. I showed dislike and pushed him away many times since I was depressed and still healing. Thus, he's been emotionally detached for 1.5 years prior to our separation. Said I rejected him too much - he never wants to think about how sick I was! I became so lonely and even MORE depressed. 
I found out in October that he was having an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. He denied the emotional affair but I had pics and texts to prove it. He still said they were just "friends" of course, and apologized for their inappropriate behavior.
I told him I wanted to separate, but took it back after we were intimate many times that day after I said it, and I realized I still felt the "in love" feeling with him. I thought I had lost it long ago.
I told him I wanted to try to rebuild by being more affectionate. But he told me that he loved me, but wasn't IN love with me. That made me go downhill in deep depression fast, and I pushed to find us some help PRONTO.
We started marriage counseling, but after a month he still didn't respond to it and kept distant.
I had enough and separated from him, but with the means of us repairing our relationship to get back together again. He told me "I don't want you to leave/don't leave", but said it without any emotion AT ALL so I left anyway. He couldn't even show loving emotion when I finally left. That hurt so much!

So it's been 5 months since I left to live with my parents. I don't hear from him unless it's business related. If I call him to talk about our relationship he gets angry in the end of convo, always talking about how much I've hurt him. I did as much of "No Contact" as I could, but we have a son so it wasn't the 100% No Contact that I needed. Once I started doing this, he became really nice whenever I'd see him, and would compliment me on weight loss and sometimes said I looked nice. But I told myself that I'd give him until March 15th to see improvement. I didn't see any of the improvement I needed to see - we didn't have a date except for Christmas time, and he tried to plan one two weeks before Valentines day but I said I was "busy" on the days he proposed, but we agreed on another date I proposed and that day he didn't show up for our date at all! Says he forgot, got the dates mixed up AND was helping his mom - to me that was so ridiculous! However, a few days after March 15th he started talking to me about our relationship on his own! There was still some anger coming from him in the end of our convos, and sometimes I had to end them just to keep the peace, but it was still an improvement. He even told me he looked forward to talking to me last week. I was happy about this, but with every improvement that happened between us, there always came disappointment. He would text me calling me out on something, and he put off responding to me when I wanted to check on our son. Plus he does NOT care when our son says he misses me or him, and wants us to get back together "under the same home" as my dear little angel says! I just want us to be a loving family again. 

I broke down last night and called him - I was feeling physically sick all day from the heartbreak and anxiety, and just felt I HAD to call him for healing from this. I couldn't do the no contact thing last night, unfortunately. What ended up happening was another debate about what was wrong in our marriage. I also asked him if he was seeing or sleeping with someone else. He told me no, but said that he has KISSED someone. I told him I was shocked by this revelation and he thought I was being way too emotional about it. Then I brought up his emotional affair again and he lost it. He told me that if I couldn't let it go now, I could NEVER let it go and that I should just give up on him, and later he said he should give up on me. That he thinks he's ready to move on since I'll never be over his EA and other things. Pretty much he said alot more, but it all summed up to him saying our marriage was OVER.

Then it happened: I got scared and started BEGGING and PLEADING. I cried in sadness, but he didn't try to console me. I even knew what I was doing was NOT the way to act and totally against my character, but I did it anyway in desperation. I pleaded with him for an hour. He didn't try to end the convo I guess to give me more time to speak with him while I was going through the motions. But each time I said "Please give us another chance," "Think about our son" and me admitting that I missed him so much and wanted to be back with him badly, he would just say in different ways that nothing can be mended and that he wasn't in love. That I hurt him too much by rejecting him these past few years. I told him that we had a spiritual connection from God, and he said he did't feel any type of connection between us. I told him the Devil has ways of trying to break the marriage bond, and then all of a sudden we lost connection(he did NOT hang up)! I even prayed for us and he said "I can't believe you're bringing God/religion in this!"

Finally at the end, when I asked him to give us one more chance, he said "I'll think about it." Then I was relieved, but wanted clarification and said, "So you're not saying yes or no?" Then he said "I said I'll THINK about it, didn't I?" He's always been a smart aleck. After this he started talking about holidays and who would get our son on which day. He talked about me getting him on Mother's Day, and him getting our son on Father's day. Of course that hurt like crazy because I did not want us to spend those days apart. Then we both said goodbye and hung up.

I wrote him a text this morning saying I was sorry for the way I acted, and trying to push him last night. We are gong to see a counselor again next Friday(in two weeks) so I told him I wouldn't bring up anything dramatic at the time so I wouldn't push him away more. He let me know he got it and he would see me tomorrow(details in the last paragraph below).

I know it is RIDICULOUS how cold he is, even though he's been saying that he still wanted to work on the marriage, but I've learned my trying to mend us is not helping AT ALL. I've tried not to, but I just have the urge to bring us all back together. I told him that my life is ruined now, everything we built has collapsed. In turn, he told me that his life is ruined as well and that he is sad over this, but doesn't think it can be repaired. He was SO LOVING during the first 14 years of our marriage, but last year he became so cold and distant! I showed him I cared for him too, and was loving as well many times, but he doesn't want to see that.

My question is, if I invoke the No Contact rule as much as I can, is there still a chance that it might work? Or is it too late? I was doing good with NC for the most part with what I could do, even though we have to see each other every two weeks to transfer our son back and forth. But I just broke down last night in the worst way.  I can't tell anyone I know about the begging - my family is way too prideful and has told me that he is not doing right by me, and to be strong through this whole ordeal. To unload my emotions, I called a crisis hotline last night and the lady gave me advice but she thought I she was giving advice to deaf ears with my desperate talk that she cut our convo short!

Last thing: I asked him if I could come over on the night of his birthday so we can be intimate again. I said that because I missed him and am so scared that I wanted to try to reconnect ASAP, and I know sex is the main vessel he used in the past to show me love. But he said that he didn't think it was a good idea. I believe he said this because I still have feelings for him, but he doesn't have them for me. But he said I could still come over, and we planned it. Maybe more intimacy/sex can bond us again? I have opposed this idea in the past when I read on it, but maybe that is what we need. He'd want to see me more for the wrong reasons at first, but maybe he'll start loving me the right way eventually? I still see little signs, but it's not enough, and maybe this might make him more connected with me again. I can do this without feeling unfulfilled and treat it as just sex, what do you all think?

I know I am being desperate and without pride, and shouldn't be at this point, but I'm just so in panic mode now and am scared for my life and my son's life in the future. Any advice is appreciated, thanks!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Trying to get him back through sex is a really bad idea. Even he seems to know this. You really should leave him alone and let him be the one to make contact in the future. He has told you where he stands.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Trying to get him back through sex is a really bad idea. Even he seems to know this. You really should leave him alone and let him be the one to make contact in the future. He has told you where he stands.


Thanks Jane139 for your reply, and for reading. I also agree about this mostly. Maybe later on today my eyes will be more open to that truth too. But I don't want to take back what I said - that was the main problem in the past, me promising sex then taking it back that night because I was tired or didn't feel good physically or mentally. And I do miss him physically too. 

And I do know I'm to blame for some of our destruction too. He told me I never really reciprocated affection with him either. I know I have and told him that, but I know it wasn't as much as he did for me. But he really isn't willing right now, I need to realize that 100%.

I can't believe I'm even writing this type of reply to you. I should be saying "you're right" and then continue to not even try any healing with him. I still pinch myself to see if this is just a really bad nightmare. I know men do this kind of thing, but I never thought my *husband *would be like this!!! It still feels so surreal and unbelievable!!!


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

LoveSprite, take a deep breath and let it out. Change in any format is very frightening and the feeling of uncertainty can be all consuming especially when facing a life without the partner we've chosen till death do we part. I would encourage you to take a piece of paper and write down his good characteristics on one side and his bad ones on the other side. Then, write down what you need in a partner. Read and reread the pages and cry and grieve for the person you hoped he would be. You are doing yourself a disservice if go against your own wants and needs by providing him sex as a means to reel him back. If both of you are willing to put in the work and change go to counseling, maybe it can work but making decisions out of fear will only frustrate you. If he won't go to counseling then go on your own to get a better understanding as to why you want to keep the relationship out of fear.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> LoveSprite, take a deep breath and let it out. Change in any format is very frightening and the feeling of uncertainty can be all consuming especially when facing a life without the partner we've chosen till death do we part. I would encourage you to take a piece of paper and write down his good characteristics on one side and his bad ones on the other side. Then, write down what you need in a partner. Read and reread the pages and cry and grieve for the person you hoped he would be. You are doing yourself a disservice if go against your own wants and needs by providing him sex as a means to reel him back. If both of you are willing to put in the work and change go to counseling, maybe it can work but making decisions out of fear will only frustrate you. If he won't go to counseling then go on your own to get a better understanding as to why you want to keep the relationship out of fear.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Really tough, I'm sorry for you. Only advice I have is to go No Contact again. He is hurt, you are hurt...you all need time apart. No man wants to go through being rejected, I know that. If it was medical related like you say, hopefully he comes to understand and have empathy. Soemthing tells me there may be more to it than that though. Nonetheless, you have stated what you want. You have cried and begged, which if he really wanted back in, that would of been enough. sounds like he is confused and not sure he can trust he would not get back into a miserable situation for him again.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> LoveSprite, take a deep breath and let it out. Change in any format is very frightening and the feeling of uncertainty can be all consuming especially when facing a life without the partner we've chosen till death do we part. I would encourage you to take a piece of paper and write down his good characteristics on one side and his bad ones on the other side. Then, write down what you need in a partner. Read and reread the pages and cry and grieve for the person you hoped he would be. You are doing yourself a disservice if go against your own wants and needs by providing him sex as a means to reel him back. If both of you are willing to put in the work and change go to counseling, maybe it can work but making decisions out of fear will only frustrate you. If he won't go to counseling then go on your own to get a better understanding as to why you want to keep the relationship out of fear.


Thank you maritalloneliness. I took that deep breath  

I've done the paper exercise before, but never included writing down what i need in a partner. It's been awhile though, so it will probably be good to do it again, to see if my wants have changed, and to add stuff to the good and bad characteristic list as well.

I still have to get my mind straight about the whole sex thing. That's the main way he showed love, and I didn't realize that until it was too late. I don't see how he felt I didn't show him love or felt that I never showed him love these past couple of years. I guess I did it MY way, with words, offering of comfort and thinking about him and his needs when I got stuff for our family, or just for him. I like affection too, but mainly hugs, kisses and cuddles. And that was never enough for him. Whenever I did it it would always lead to him trying to have sex. I even approached and lovingly kissed him during a family function and in response he said, "What, are you _turned on_?" 

I've learned alot about men though since the separation, and alot of people and articles say that this is a common trait, as far as sex being the main connection point for the majority of them. Not ALL, but alot of them. And of course there are women too, but I haven't met alot of them. Respect to all though, trait or no trait! 

He actually agreed to go back to counseling on the 24th, which is in 10 days. He agreed last week. He said he's mainly going to straighten out our communication issues. I also assured him that he can just go once to see if he's cool with it. I was gonna say a few times when I proposed the idea, but we were both trying to be very careful not to set off a "trigger" that would lead to another argument. All I know is that I'm going to not say much during the session, other than the general questions about communication. And hopefully he will still be willing to go once a month or biweekly.

Thanks again, and please reply if you have any more words or advice


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Please have some self respect. Begging isn't work, nothing is working. If he is going to come back it will because he wants to, not because you begged and pleaded. I am sorry your heart hurts but you are only twisting the knife harder. Go no contact and protect yourself.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Observer said:


> Really tough, I'm sorry for you. Only advice I have is to go No Contact again. He is hurt, you are hurt...you all need time apart. No man wants to go through being rejected, I know that. If it was medical related like you say, hopefully he comes to understand and have empathy. Soemthing tells me there may be more to it than that though. Nonetheless, you have stated what you want. You have cried and begged, which if he really wanted back in, that would of been enough. sounds like he is confused and not sure he can trust he would not get back into a miserable situation for him again.


Hello Observer, and thank you for your sympathy.

Yeah, No Contact is the way to go, and I have to start all over again  But it seems to be the only thing that has worked. We cooled down and got along much better after I stopped pursuing any change in our time of separation. 

Yes, I know that now, that sexual rejection is really a dealbreaker if it happens over and over again. I would have sex with him once a week, but then he didn't like the fact that I wasn't into it, and then withdrew even while we still had that sexual arrangement. I'll admit I was tired of being obligated to do it when I was recovering and lost libido. I didn't want to be somewhat mean to him and show my dislike, but I felt he did not use any empathy or sympathy every time we had a "session," so I showed my negative feelings without realizing it most of the time, I'm sure.

The intense period of sexual rejection happened mainly because of the medical related concerns, yes. But he brings up that I was doing that before any of my tumors came up. I thought back and it really started when I got pregnant. Things changed, and once we had our baby the sleep deprivation and life juggling stopped alot of the desire I had. Not all, but alot of it. I've told him this but he just can't or won't understand, and said that he had to do all those things too when our son arrived but he still had a desire to be intimate and do stuff like we did before the baby.

I should also mention that he also said that the rejection started even before our child, and I thought hard and realized it was when we just got out of college and started working our 9 to 5 jobs. After about a half year I got really stressed and underwhelmed, so that contributed to things slowing down intimately too, but not as much as when our son was born.

But like I told him, I'm not perfect, and will also make my mistakes. But I told him that a good amount he would be smart mouthed, and did stuff that was inconsiderate, but I always forgave him and didn't lessen my love for him. I may have disliked him at the time, but never lessen my love. But I would confront him about the things he said and did almost everytime he did it, so I can imagine he didn't want to be "henpecked" any more. He says he can't be himself with me. But he can be pretty rude, and people have told me that.

I told him that he should have signed us up for counseling to fix it when he saw that it was making him fall out of love. He responded back with I guess an argument that said "I don't think I or we need counseling for something like that!" And also he said he indirectly told me that he was unhappy, and I responded by saying I need direct words from him so I know that we are in the red zone. He responded with "that's why I talk to you so harshly now. You want direct words from me, so I'm giving that to you!" I'm like HUH? - and told him that harsh treatment does not mean "direct!" So when you said he sounds confused, I can agree with that too. I just didn't think the confusion would last this long, but my attempts at talking about it within the first 5 months of the separation kept decreasing our progress too.


But I know I did have a contribution to our problems. I fell out of love a little bit too when he detached from me, but not completely. And I prayed on it day after day, asking God to help renew anything in my heart I have lost for him. And I've admitted to my mistakes and apologized, but he still stays mad and in the "I give up" mode. But only this time he said he was ready to move on. But I guess once is enough  But we'll see how it goes since he said he'll think about it. I hope he really meant that and didn't just want to get me off the phone  I don't like hanging in limbo anymore because he's not sure, but since I want to still try, what choice do I have? I tried to start dating, but just couldn't do it - it seems so WRONG, and distasteful at this point.

Thanks again, and like I told our friend maritalloneliness, please reply if you have any more words or advice


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi there,

I'm sorry you are going through this, I did the same exact things. I called or texted (mostly), I begged, I pleaded. I used the whole religion thing, I said the whole our son doesn't deserve this (and they don't, but they adapt. How old is your son?) - I did it all and some. I never got the "I'll think about it" stuff, I was always met with criticism and rejection, yet he came back for more - he enjoyed abusing me emotionally and I took it, b/c it was attention, even though negative. I was certain the no contact rule wouldn't apply to me, or him. We were "different", we had much more than that - and I was 100% confident that I was doing it the right way. 

Finally I found this board, and started getting it drilled into me that you don't do no contact to get them back, you do it to protect yourself. It took awhile, I definitely fought the idea with every ounce of energy I had left, which wasn't much to be honest. I was exhausted, I have and had never fought so hard in my life. I was so afraid to bite the bullet and stop the contact. But, I eventually did. And, it took a minute - but slowly I started realizing - this is working - I began to detach. That is the goal. 

It is impossible to truly get over this with having contact. It can't be done, you are giving yourself false hopes. If its going to happen, it's going to happen whether you beg, or whether you drop off the face of the earth. But - by doing what we did (contacting them) we are prolonging our pain and it's hard to convince yourself, trust me I know, we all know. I was in bad bad shape. I didn't read your first post or anything, but you can go find my thread and see for yourself how pathetic I was. I remember the 5 month mark for me, infact that is the stage/period I was in when I came here begging for help. December. Now it's April, and I can honestly say - I have moved on, and I don't even want him back. You couldn't pay me to take him back. Am I happy this happened? No. But, it did. I literally told myself every day, "It happened, and there is nothing you can do about it - it's over". I used to cry and yell at myself for saying that, but I think it helped - b/c before I did that, I was giving myself false hopes and holding onto them for dear life - I was convinced every little thing he did, said or otherwise - had some deep meaning and meant he was trying to come back. I used to search for signs and meanings that he was going to come back - I did it with random things and objects - even fortune cookies. LOL - :lol:

No contact works, but it works for YOU. You will realize that soon, I know you don't believe me now, I didn't want to believe anyone either. But - one day you'll look back and realize - what a Godsend it is, to separate yourself from them, and focus on you. It's the only answer, IMO.

I wish I could help, I know how horrifying it is. I was there not long ago at all, and now here I am... Completely different. You deserve more. He is telling you these things (blaming you) b/c of his guilt and his inability to remain loyal to you. There is no excuse for that, and you shouldn't have to be the excuse - I took the blame too. Eventually you'll realize you don't have to. Don't take that, you will soon see that is what he is and has been doing and it will make the process of moving on even easier.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

loveSprite said:


> Yes, I know that now, that sexual rejection is really a dealbreaker if it happens over and over again. I would have sex with him once a week, but then he didn't like the fact that I wasn't into it, and then withdrew even while we still had that sexual arrangement. I'll admit I was tired of being obligated to do it when I was recovering and lost libido. I didn't want to be somewhat mean to him and show my dislike, but I felt he did not use any empathy or sympathy every time we had a "session," so I showed my negative feelings without realizing it most of the time, I'm sure.


You gave him starfish sex and resented having to participate when you weren't feeling it. He received the message loud and clear: "She doesn't want me. She doesn't love me." 

This happened even before the medical issues BTW.



loveSprite said:


> The intense period of sexual rejection happened mainly because of the medical related concerns, yes. But he brings up that I was doing that before any of my tumors came up. I thought back and it really started when I got pregnant. Things changed, and once we had our baby the sleep deprivation and life juggling stopped alot of the desire I had. Not all, but alot of it. I've told him this but he just can't or won't understand, and said that he had to do all those things too when our son arrived but he still had a desire to be intimate and do stuff like we did before the baby.


He was still attracted to you and wanting to be close to you, but you still held that resentment and now redirected your attention to your child. With nothing left for him. He received the message loud and clear: "She doesn't want me. She doesn't love me."



loveSprite said:


> I should also mention that he also said that the rejection started even before our child, and I thought hard and realized it was when we just got out of college and started working our 9 to 5 jobs. After about a half year I got really stressed and underwhelmed, so that contributed to things slowing down intimately too, but not as much as when our son was born.


Wow. The truth is that this has been a consistent issue in your marriage from DAY 1.



loveSprite said:


> But like I told him, I'm not perfect, and will also make my mistakes. But I told him that a good amount he would be smart mouthed, and did stuff that was inconsiderate, but I always forgave him and didn't lessen my love for him. I may have disliked him at the time, but never lessen my love. But I would confront him about the things he said and did almost everytime he did it, so I can imagine he didn't want to be "henpecked" any more. He says he can't be himself with me. But he can be pretty rude, and people have told me that.


So you married a bit of an a$$. Presumably you had to have known this before you married him but you thought that once you two married he would be different, at least with you. He didn't change and you resented him for that. 



loveSprite said:


> I told him that he should have signed us up for counseling to fix it when he saw that it was making him fall out of love. He responded back with I guess an argument that said "I don't think I or we need counseling for something like that!" And also he said he indirectly told me that he was unhappy, and I responded by saying I need direct words from him so I know that we are in the red zone. He responded with "that's why I talk to you so harshly now. You want direct words from me, so I'm giving that to you!" I'm like HUH? - and told him that harsh treatment does not mean "direct!" So when you said he sounds confused, I can agree with that too. I just didn't think the confusion would last this long, but my attempts at talking about it within the first 5 months of the separation kept decreasing our progress too.


Why didn't you sign up for counseling when you realized you didn't want to have sex with your H anymore? I guess it's just much easier to pass the buck on to him and not take any responsibility for your feelings or the health of your relationship. Now it's too late. 

There are 2 people in this marriage and you didn't do your part either. You carried your resentment around like a shield and withheld love and affection from him for pretty much the whole marriage. Now he doesn't love you anymore and is looking elsewhere. Why are you surprised?



loveSprite said:


> But I know I did have a contribution to our problems. I fell out of love a little bit too when he detached from me, but not completely. And I prayed on it day after day, asking God to help renew anything in my heart I have lost for him. And I've admitted to my mistakes and apologized, but he still stays mad and in the "I give up" mode. But only this time he said he was ready to move on. But I guess once is enough  But we'll see how it goes since he said he'll think about it. I hope he really meant that and didn't just want to get me off the phone  I don't like hanging in limbo anymore because he's not sure, but since I want to still try, what choice do I have? I tried to start dating, but just couldn't do it - it seems so WRONG, and distasteful at this point.


It is nice to hear you admit that you might have had something to do with this marriage breaking up. Did you pray to God to help you let go of your resentment. I haven't seen that because it still permeates your posts. Unfortunately that is on you. Sorry to be so harsh. 

And I am sorry to break the bad news loveSprite, but he told you that "he would think about it" to get you off the phone. He is done, almost assuredly. He is and has been using the anger to keep you out of his heart and at arms length. He is working his way to complete detachment and divorce.

And you, now that you are nearing the merciful end of this relationship are grasping at just about anything, including sex, to hang on to him. Why? I don't have a clue because I seriously doubt that you even really love him. You just don't want to be alone. 



loveSprite said:


> Thanks again, and like I told our friend maritalloneliness, please reply if you have any more words or advice


A good place to start would be to set up an appointment with your own personal counselor and try to unravel the ball of resentment you have been carrying around for years. I am sure that a lot of it goes back to before your H. 

Figure out what you did wrong in this marriage, what you were feeling at the time and figure out how to avoid those mistakes in the future. It likely won't save this marriage, but at least you won't repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. 

I think your H has agreed to MC to try and dissolve the relationship in the most painless way possible. If you are hoping for a miracle cure there I am not optimistic. The best you can hope for might be to get your H to hold off on D for 3 or 6 months to give you a chance to figure what the hell is wrong with you. 

Sadly, after all of this I am not sure if you are going to want to thank me. This wasn't a nice post to write.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I just read your other thread loveSprite and you received some pretty scathing assessments of your marriage. And some not so flattering assessments of your H.

I guess what I wrote shouldn't be much of a surprise to you.

What I got from that other thread is that your H is an ahole and may have even bigger issues. Hopefully you are aware of your own issues and can get to work on them.

The important thing is neither one of you really cared enough to work very hard on the marriage. You didn't communicate or show much care or empathy for each other. And now he is most likely in an affair. There's really nothing much worth saving here. 

Am I missing anything?


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Lost40 said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm sorry you are going through this, I did the same exact things. I called or texted (mostly), I begged, I pleaded. I used the whole religion thing, I said the whole our son doesn't deserve this (and they don't, but they adapt. How old is your son?) - I did it all and some. I never got the "I'll think about it" stuff, I was always met with criticism and rejection, yet he came back for more - he enjoyed abusing me emotionally and I took it, b/c it was attention, even though negative. I was certain the no contact rule wouldn't apply to me, or him. We were "different", we had much more than that - and I was 100% confident that I was doing it the right way.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for these words of wisdom! I was hoping that another person that did the same thing would respond to this thread! No contact is a definite "have to do" item. And like you said, it has to be done to protect myself. I will try to keep this up as much as I can, save the days we have to transfer our son back and forth.

Thanks so much again! I'll try to PM you a more detailed response, I want to get back to everyone so I'm trying to get these out before I fall asleep!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

loveSprite said:


> Hello friends,
> 
> Sorry for this long post. I am going to sound really desperate and maybe even idiotic with my behavior. Please be understandable and kind, but at the same time you don't have to sugar coat any advice, thanks:
> 
> ...



Through your behaviour you are handing him all the cards to do as he wants even though he really is the guilty party for having an EA (there is no excuse for an EA even if the marriage is not going well). it sounds like he is still punishing you and you have handed him all the tools to do that. You have to do the 180 for yourself, it may or may not bring him back. You are most definitely not going to bring him back doing what you are doing now. True it is painful, what you are going through but you have to have some self pride and become a person who is happy within yourself. You have slipped up but do the 180 regardless of the outcome.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Yeesh Tron, why are you so pessimistic and matter-of-factly? You _really _could have gotten all your points across without all the sarcasm and insults. Maybe it's a man thing: You feel you have to be somewhat "harsh" to get your point across. That's what my husband has conjured up in his mind, and maybe you have too. But alot of men learn that _*this is not the way. *_ You can be a gentleman and still get your point across too, you know. Nonetheless, here is my response to your reply:

Look, you may not believe this, but I did NOT know the intense needs of a man to have sex. I saw that in the movies from time to time, but thought they were just characters. I was shy and _very _sheltered growing up, and only had two boyfriends in total, including my husband. You can criticize me if you want about my past, but it is what it is, and I've learned little by little about what a man REALLY wants and needs. I just found out too late when it came to me and my husband having these major issues.

*And this is a two way street: most women AND men don't know about eachother's needs until they learn or are taught, and most importantly willing to work out any issues regarding this in their relationship.*

And I know this happened before my medical issues. I did acknowledge that, as you commented on within your 5th line of commentary.




> He was still attracted to you and wanting to be close to you, but you still held that resentment and now redirected your attention to your child. With nothing left for him. He received the message loud and clear: "She doesn't want me. She doesn't love me."


I agree that I held resentment for him after we had the baby, and when I got sick. Having someone try to do it with you after you've been up every two hours to feed your child _*will *_cause irritation that can build up to resentment. Then trying to get it on with me TWO DAYS after I left ICU is when I started resenting it even moreso. But I _never _stopped loving him, that's where we both differ. He says he loves me, but it has decreased dramatically. And me giving my child attention does not equal me NOT loving him. I never had time with my child except for 2 hours of the day when I came home late from work. He didn't understand that and surely felt what you said was the thought of "She doesn't want me. She doesn't love me." But I would have put your quote another way: 
She doesn't want me = She doesn't love me​
...because that's how he REALLY FEELS. And that's pretty sad, after all the things I have done for him.



> Wow. The truth is that this has been a consistent issue in your marriage
> 
> from DAY 1.


You gotta realize that we were together for 5 years prior to being married. Yes it was very blissful before we decided to get married. 4 years of no responsibilities mainly except going to college and our relationship. Many fun and romantic times, but real life settles in eventually. And not everyone can adapt to the stresses of life like others. It sucks and I wish things were different on my end, but it is what it is. I know I have my own issues and am trying to adapt to situations better, like this one. 



> Why didn't you sign up for counseling when you realized you didn't want to have sex with your H anymore? I guess it's just much easier to pass the buck on to him and not take any responsibility for your feelings or the health of your relationship. Now it's too late.
> 
> 
> There are 2 people in this marriage and you didn't do your part either. You carried your resentment around like a shield and withheld love and affection from him for pretty much the whole marriage. Now he doesn't love you anymore and is looking elsewhere. Why are you surprised?


Right here you sound like you've been in his same boat, and has his same opinion. Hmmm, I wonder... Well anyway, unlike my husband, I was losing love for him, but I *still *loved him dearly and wanted to be with him and try to build our relationship. And prior to finding out about the EA, I mentioned marriage counseling while he thought we didn't need it. But life happens, and I worked a crazy a** job in Hollywood so it was even hard to cook a hot meal at the end of the day! So I didn't set it up right away, and right away turned into months, then into a few years, and then this crap happened.

But he didn't call for counseling himself, when he started falling out of love and knew we were in the red zone. Plus you're talking like I just took and took and didn't give. I don't have 
to prove this to you, but I did do my part and THEN some. It just wasn't in the way he wanted or wanted to see, just like he tried his best but didn't do things the way I wanted as well, and did not see - probably because of the secret word of this thread: *Resentment*. 



> It is nice to hear you admit that you might have had something to do with this marriage breaking up. Did you pray to God to help you let go of your resentment. I haven't seen that because it still permeates your posts.
> 
> Unfortunately that is on you. Sorry to be so harsh.
> 
> ...


I _did _pray to God regarding my resentment, ergo me praying to God to renew my decrease of love for him. You couldn't figure that out from my description?

It's pretty much intuitive that I talked to him about any negative feelings I had for him. And most of the time: 

*Negative feelings in your mind built up about your spouse = some form of resentment
*

I do agree for the most part that he said he'd "think about it" to get off the phone. But he could have just said no and hung up too. And he could have cut the convo short when I started crying and rambling on about the life we built together. No I am NOT naive, which is why I wrote my original post in the first place. I know deep down that letting him go is the most logical thing to do, but the heart gets in the way, plus NOBODY wants to see their child miserable because they are used to Mommy and Daddy being together. Well, my husband feels this way to, but only _to an extent,_ because he's willing to end it and force our kid adapt to a sad broken family life because he wants to give up on trying. I've given up to in the past, but never concluded our relationship. We'd always try again. And it took him a long time to get to this point unfortunately. We were doing good until this argument happened.

I know that it wasn't a good idea to call him, to just keep on doing the 180 like I had been doing, but I got weak, and unfortunately it was during the eggshell phase still, and he just gave up. Before this he always was close to saying he wanted to give up, but never did.

Regarding the lines at the end of your quote, I agree that the anger is to block me from his heart. And he is on the path to detachment and divorce. And I am in a desparate state, but I DO LOVE HIM. But I will admit, the fear of being alone and starting over is within me. But that's just the way it goes if you don't want your marriage to end.



> A good place to start would be to set up an appointment with your own personal counselor and try to unravel the ball of resentment you have been carrying around for years. I am sure that a lot of it goes back to before your H.
> 
> Figure out what you did wrong in this marriage, what you were feeling at the time and figure out how to avoid those mistakes in the future. It likely won't save this marriage, but at least you won't repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship.
> 
> ...


I am going to individual counseling. Have been doing that off and on for years. I started again 2 years ago, and have been going ever since. He needs counseling too you know, as he's got issues as well.

I'm not perfect and know I have a lot of issues to work out. I've always known that, which is why I tried _hard _to find my fault in this once it got really bad, and I ended up finding a good amount of fault on my side of things too. 

Like I said, he's got issues too, but I'm sure he'll never dig deep into them, even if we go ahead with the divorce. I'm working on continuing to figure out what I did wrong as well. I most recently started reading His Needs, Her Needs and the author tells you point blank what the male and female needs are in a relationship. Alot of his points I had already speculated individually, but he was textbook and explained the stuff very clear for me to "get it!"



> Sadly, after all of this I am not sure if you are going to want to thank me. This wasn't a nice post to write.


At least your taking ownership that this post wasn't a nice one! But I wonder, if you knew it wasn't nice, then why did you write it this way? I would have gotten the message, even if you were "polite" through most of your post.




> ...to give you a chance to figure what the hell is wrong with you.


*WHY THE HELL DID YOU ADD THIS RUDE TIDBIT to your "advice?"* I was taking you 100% seriously until you wrote this crappy line. 

But as much as you were rude, *I am a lady*, and I thank you for replying and giving me your two cents from a guy perspective, despite your sarcasm and criticizing tone. And I do appreciate your attentive reply. But to conclude, I say to you: Not everyone has their problems figured out you know, be it personal or relationship related.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

> I just read your other thread loveSprite and you received some pretty scathing assessments of your marriage. And some not so flattering assessments of your H.
> 
> I guess what I wrote shouldn't be much of a surprise to you.


Thanks for reading the other thread Tron. And nope, what you wrote wasn't a surprise. I knew I'd at least have someone throw a post like you did in this thread. But I still appreciate and allowed your comments advice to sink in, even though you mostly had a sarcastic and pessimistic tone. 



> What I got from that other thread is that your H is an ahole and may have even bigger issues. Hopefully you are aware of your own issues and can get to work on them.


Regarding both statements in the quote above, Yes, and Yes. I know I don't have a good "picker" and need to work on my issues first before I get into another relationship, so I don't pick a troubled man again. If we do work things out however, we both need to tend to our own issues before we unite 100% again.



> The important thing is neither one of you really cared enough to work very hard on the marriage. You didn't communicate or show much care or empathy for each other. And now he is most likely in an affair. There's really nothing much worth saving here.


Facts, facts, facts. There was a relationship behind the facts, and I tried to write that out for everyone to see, mainly in my other thread. Believe it or not, for a long time we cared deeply for each other. I don't know what the hell is going on with him, but I know he cares too. He's just not safe for me to be around. I left him out of fear that he would get harsher and harsher, and then I'd go crazy. My therapist said there's a huge wall he's built up, which is why he won't let me in. 

And I communicated, BOY did I communicate. I laid down _everything _I felt was wrong. We both did, but he never fully told me, "I need more sex and recreation or else I will completely fall out of love with you!" He told me he tiptoed around it so he wouldn't hurt me. Well now look at the result? 

I'm holding off on communication for awhile until we get some form of full camaraderie for our son's well being. That was working until I desperately called him.

I thought I would have ended our marriage and moved on within a few months, but I was wrong - there's too much of a spiritual attachment to him on my part. So while I work on self love and getting myself together, if he shows he wants to come around, we'll see how it goes. If he doesn't, then at least I'll have built up the confidence to not care!



> Am I missing anything?


I'm sure you are, but I'm too tired to reply to you right now. I made a commitment to try and reply to everyone, and I've said enough in my response to you anyway. Thanks.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

aine said:


> Through your behaviour you are handing him all the cards to do as he wants even though he really is the guilty party for having an EA (there is no excuse for an EA even if the marriage is not going well). it sounds like he is still punishing you and you have handed him all the tools to do that. You have to do the 180 for yourself, it may or may not bring him back. You are most definitely not going to bring him back doing what you are doing now. True it is painful, what you are going through but you have to have some self pride and become a person who is happy within yourself. You have slipped up but do the 180 regardless of the outcome.


Thanks for your reply. And yes, I am handing him all the cards, and he is punishing me. And you're totally write about no excuses for the EA. Plus many people, including my therapist has told me that I've lost my power. I'm trying to revive it but it takes time. But I'm not giving up, I have to live a good life so my son and I can live prosperously!!!

Yep, the 180 I have to do regardless. Right now I'm unemployed, but have been doing alot of hangouts through Meetup.com groups and have gotten in touch with a few old friends. I've been having a good amount of fun. It's helped keep me sane. Plus getting a job hopefully soon will allow me to concentrate on its priorities which will definitely help. Until then I volunteer at the local EDD office, which believe it or not is pretty cool! 

But I still have my bad days.  I HATE being in this mode still. Thought I'd be done already. But I've gotta do some MAJOR daily self help activities and mantras to get myself together, I realize I have to FORCE my happiness.

I will just concentrate on myself from now on. Plus I'll fake it till I make it, and act super cool when I have to see him. But I *won't* focus on trying to get back in his life. All this is turning out to be a learning experience for me. I've read many articles and self help books to see that it wasn't just him that was my problem. I developed a lack of confidence within myself, way before him. Thus I depended on him to be at least sane and happy. But married love is not unconditional like I thought it should be. And you have to look out for yourself. It's sad to not be able to depend on your spouse, but that's just the way relationships work. 

But seriously, thank you for your reply. It was truthful, and definitely more refreshing than the negative replies I've received. I think it was refreshing because, just like Lost40's respose, through your words I got the notion that you totally see what I see, even the negative facts about myself and what I have done to get my life to this point. Alot of people gave positive feedback, and I appreciate that. 

I STRIVE to be happy within! :smthumbup:


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

Why do you even want to be with this guy?


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

loveSprite said:


> But I still have my bad days. I HATE being in this mode still. Thought I'd be done already. But I've gotta do some MAJOR daily self help activities and mantras to get myself together, I realize I have to FORCE my happiness.
> 
> I will just concentrate on myself from now on. Plus I'll fake it till I make it.


Sprite, like I said in my first post - I was at the 5 month mark of separation (our divorce is still not final, but almost at this point) when I came here for the first time, and I even sat there and said on my post - "I feel like I'm taking too long - it's already been 5 months, what am I doing wrong?" -- I said that, as if I was really falling behind in where I needed to be. It was then and weeks after, that I realized through the help of people here on TAM and my IC that I was not at all "behind schedule" - I was on track. As my therapist told me, "It takes time, and it takes the time it takes - but you will get there".

It doesn't happen overnight, and you won't just wake up one day and say, "Oh wow - I'm over it - Thank god." It's gradual, but in that gradual process, you definitely feel the difference, and it gets easier and easier. Until one day you realize, Wow - I haven't thought about him in awhile, and if you do think of him - it kind of just goes in one ear and out the next and you're on to whatever you were doing the next minute. That is how it is with me. It's almost a miracle really, b/c it kind of happened fast... once it started happening. I think it just finally dawned on me, how evil he was. Something I never saw b/c I wore blindfolds and one day I took those off. Infact, I'm a little worried that it happened that fast, b/c I keep asking myself "Is this going to last?" I'm sure it will, b/c it feels too good to not allow it to last.

You'll get there. Trust me, if I can - anyone can. I was so bad, I literally thought I was going to be one of those people who sat there with a zoned look on my face sitting in my rocking chair humming, while people whispered behind my back and said "See her, yeah.. she was never the same again after her husband left her... " LOL :rofl:


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

loveSprite said:


> Thanks for reading the other thread Tron. And nope, what you wrote wasn't a surprise. I knew I'd at least have someone throw a post like you did in this thread. But I still appreciate and allowed your comments advice to sink in, even though you mostly had a sarcastic and pessimistic tone.


You are sensitive loveSprite. Wasn't trying to be sarcastic but more calling it the way I saw it. Pessimistic? yes. I won't sugar coat the situation. The M is on life support and fading fast. 

Despite my tone I am sympathetic. Both to you and your H. I've lived it. 

And, I know you won't believe this, but I have been called a ahole a time or two. (That was sarcasm BTW). I was in some ways similar to your H for the 1st 10 years of my marriage. Very little empathy. Fought hard to win every argument. W even called me a narcissist once too. I looked it up, took the questionnaires. I am not. 

I read books. I committed to change and am still working on it, just like her. We work very hard now to meet each others needs, communicate and deal with conflict so that we don't harbor resentment. The old stuff does pop up every so often. We both suffered for a long time. I won't ever forget that.

Like the others suggested, you need to stop contact with your H outside your child. 180 as best you can and fake it til you make it.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Lost40 said:


> Sprite, like I said in my first post - I was at the 5 month mark of separation (our divorce is still not final, but almost at this point) when I came here for the first time, and I even sat there and said on my post - "I feel like I'm taking too long - it's already been 5 months, what am I doing wrong?" -- I said that, as if I was really falling behind in where I needed to be. It was then and weeks after, that I realized through the help of people here on TAM and my IC that I was not at all "behind schedule" - I was on track. As my therapist told me, "It takes time, and it takes the time it takes - but you will get there".
> 
> It doesn't happen overnight, and you won't just wake up one day and say, "Oh wow - I'm over it - Thank god." It's gradual, but in that gradual process, you definitely feel the difference, and it gets easier and easier. Until one day you realize, Wow - I haven't thought about him in awhile, and if you do think of him - it kind of just goes in one ear and out the next and you're on to whatever you were doing the next minute. That is how it is with me. It's almost a miracle really, b/c it kind of happened fast... once it started happening. I think it just finally dawned on me, how evil he was. Something I never saw b/c I wore blindfolds and one day I took those off. Infact, I'm a little worried that it happened that fast, b/c I keep asking myself "Is this going to last?" I'm sure it will, b/c it feels too good to not allow it to last.
> 
> You'll get there. Trust me, if I can - anyone can. I was so bad, I literally thought I was going to be one of those people who sat there with a zoned look on my face sitting in my rocking chair humming, while people whispered behind my back and said "See her, yeah.. she was never the same again after her husband left her... " LOL :rofl:


Thanks again *Lost40*.  Well yesterday was the final straw for me "trying" when I picked up my son. I think I needed this good "shove in the dirt" to finallly give up on him as COMPLETELY as I can. I'll post about what happened it in another post following this one, since I still have to write about it.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Tron said:


> You are sensitive loveSprite. Wasn't trying to be sarcastic but more calling it the way I saw it. Pessimistic? yes. I won't sugar coat the situation. The M is on life support and fading fast.
> 
> Despite my tone I am sympathetic. Both to you and your H. I've lived it.
> 
> ...


Well, I can definitely see the advice you had given me was valuable within your reponses _and _sensed sympathy, which is why I thanked you in the end. I just believe people deserve more respect from forum members when they're hurting. You kinda reminded me of those peeps on Yahoo! Answers, LOL  But like I said, I have alot of work to do and am developing a more tougher skin. I HAVE to since now I realize that I'm going to be on my own. Everyone ultimately is, since nobody's perfect, and you can't depend on anyone being there for you 100%. Takes some of us awhile until we finally figure this out, and now my eyes are opened.

I'm actually glad that another male that went through it and was like my husband posted. I need to see both sides of what we're going through, and since he won't talk other than pointing the finger at me, it's good to hear some logical feedback from the other side. 

I have looked up ALOT about Narcissism, and feel that he either has that or Borderline Perssonality Disorder. But I've given up trying to figure him out for the most part. What good would it do?

And good for you that you committed to change. I have a friend who's a psychologist, and she married a man just like mine. She actually labeled him a Narcissist too, which really surprised me! But like you, he accepted that he has to put in the same work as his wife. They are doing MUCH better now. I'm glad you're both working hard on your marriage. Not everyone is committed to this, be they a man or woman.

Yes, our marriage is definitely is on life support. I'm not going to try anymore. Like I told Lost40, something happened yesterday that definitely woke me up, I think 100% finally, that he isn't worth it at this point. I'll post it following this reply to you. Let's just say, he really gave me the negative "boost" yesterday that helped me finally "give up." Just what I needed. 

Yep, the 180 is now in full effect, and I'm not going back. I will pray on it and will try hard 

Thanks again.


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## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*The last straw has finally happened!*

Hello friends. 

Before I post what finally happened the day I met up with him, a *DISCLAIMER*: Please state your opinions, but don't be too brutal about it. You don't have to sugar coat anything since I need to hear tha' *truth*, but no bashing, please. 

So I finally got a good kick in the pants that made me see ultimately the "green light" go STOP trying to make it better.

Remember from the first post when I asked him if I could come over and be "intimate," since I told him I really missed him? And he said I could come over on his birthday, which was two days? Well this is the eye opening experience that happened:

So I didn't listen to the "don't do it" stuff from y'all or my close friends offline, and prepped to go over there and have some fun(LOL). I talked with a Christian marriage counselor on the day of our meeting, and she told me that he's my husband and it would be okay to go through it, as long as I wasn't hurt by any outcome. So I used that as a green light, because I was just going over there to have some fun with my "legal" husband. But that evening during the time we were going to meet up, he texted me on his way there and asked me to please meet him at our regular meeting spot to pick up our son. I was confused and asked him if he was still okay with me coming over. He told me he was too tired after going out with our son to an amusement park on his birthday and just wanted to go to bed. I then called him for more clarification & eventually told him nicely that if he didn't want to hang out with me, then it's okay and he should just tell me, so I know to not push him like this in the future. Then he got defensive and mad, so I just said if he ever wants to do that, then I'll let HIM call, and got off the phone.

When I picked up our son, I made sure I looked GOOD, made sure to smile and act like he didn't phase me. I didn't want to start anything else but felt really not valued since he knew I had gotten ready and everything, so I nicely told him for my own sake(with a smile), "Oh, and next time you cancel us getting together, let me know more in advance because I 'prepped' for you." He said "prepped? what 
does that mean?" Then got showed frustration again over me saying that and said he was just really tired and just didn't want to hang out anymore that day. I then told him that I was just telling him that I would like to know a few hours beforehand if he didn't want to meet up so I wouldn't start getting ready and waiting. Then I cut off the convo to make sure no heated argument was gonna start and told him while smiling and looking perky to have a good night.

So I guess I scared him away, or made him repulse me after my actions. You'd think I had did him entirely wrong or something. But I did do something wrong by pleading/begging. Even the marriage counselor I talked to told me, "That's the worst thing you can do, by the way." However, she told me MANY people go through this, man or woman, and that's its part of the many phases of separation or divorce proceedings.

VERY inconsiderate he was. He didn't tell me this until the time we were supposed to meet that day! And I HAD to ask him to get more clarification! Like I said, I had gotten ready for that night and everything. The full nine. And I'm sure he knew that too, because he knows how I make sure when we're like that, that everything is right. But he didn't care, he just wanted to be away from me. Now I'm taking all my special items BACK to the store, LOL. And now I'm through trying with him. THROUGH. 

I hope this feeling lasts in my heart, because right now I guess I feel he can't push me down into the dirt any further than he has now. This is way too cruel, and EVIL for me to gloss over. I just have those memories of such a nice, kind and loving person, that would never do me as wrong as this. I kept thinking that he's still within my husband, but he's not. And I'm not gonna even entertain myself to think that he'll ever come out again. He is scorned, and despises me. If he hates, me, then so be it, because I now look at him as a major Grinch when it comes to our past loving relationship.

I also feel that divine intervention came through and prevented me from making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Just when you think God isn't listening, you realize that He really is and gives you major signs. I've been getting signs all along, and haven't listened to them 100%. But I WILL listen to this one.

My son and I had a good time without him, and will _continue _to do so. 

I'm not even gonna consider if he ever wants to try again, right now I'm just gonna worry about me and my little one, and prep myself for any ongoing custody or legal battles he'll probably start up. I WILL be ready for him! :smthumbup:

Thanks for reading, and everyone's great help and support so far!


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: The last straw has finally happened!*



loveSprite said:


> Hello friends.
> 
> Before I post what finally happened the day I met up with him, a *DISCLAIMER*: Please state your opinions, but don't be too brutal about it. You don't have to sugar coat anything since I need to hear tha' *truth*, but no bashing, please.
> 
> ...


Hi LS,

Well you had your lesson learned. Not begg or plead to that man again, he doesn't deserve it. He's a jerk and the man you used to know as your H is not there anymore, somebody kidnapped him and you're left with a sorry excuse of a man.

You have to believe what you see, this is him and he's not going to get better.

Concentrate on your S, he needs you now more tan ever, be there for him, remember he needs at least one stable parent.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

*Re: The last straw has finally happened!*



loveSprite said:


> I also feel that divine intervention came through and prevented me from making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Just when you think God isn't listening, you realize that He really is and gives you major signs. I've been getting signs all along, and haven't listened to them 100%. But I WILL listen to this one


:iagree:

A blessing in disguise. 

Accept them and move on. :smthumbup:


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Wow... thanks for sharing this extremely helpful info. Nothing like a magic spell to solve all of one's problems.


I called the number.

My cellphone was charged $3,142 and the spell didn't even work.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: The last straw has finally happened!*



loveSprite said:


> Hello friends.
> 
> Before I post what finally happened the day I met up with him, a *DISCLAIMER*: Please state your opinions, but don't be too brutal about it. You don't have to sugar coat anything since I need to hear tha' *truth*, but no bashing, please.
> 
> ...


LS, LS, LS, your husband has been treating you badly since all of this went down, why do you think that things were gonna be different? You had a lucky escape, stay resolute, take care of you and your kid and forget about him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you have written, you both contributed to the failure of your marriage. At this point, it sounds like there is no common ground and that your husband is long gone emotionally.



loveSprite said:


> But I would have put your quote another way:
> 
> She doesn't want me = She doesn't love me
> 
> ...because that's how he REALLY FEELS. And that's pretty sad, after all the things I have done for him.


I want to comment on the above. A marriage is about lovers. 

While you have by done things for him, they do not replace that need for a lover. 

Being rejected sexually by one's spouse is a death by a thousand cuts. It's not sad that he feels that "She doesn't want me = She doesn't love me". It's normal. That is how most men and most women react when a spouse rejects them sexually as you did to him.

You will see many men and women posting on this site because this is what is going on in their relationship. They are being rejected as a matter of course all the time. It's hurts. 

Until you can realize the depth of your part in rejecting him, there is no way to repair your marriage. He knows this. 

Clearly, touch (including sexual intimacy) is your husband's love language. It's how he feels loved. So now his love bank is empty and he feels no romantic love for you. He's only human. This is what happens.

I've had a husband treated me a lot like you treated your husband. I divorced him. 

I am sure that there were things that your husband did as well that were not perfect. I'm only talking about things from his point of view here. You understand your own point of view. But you do not get his. And until you do get his there is no fixing your marriage. And until he gets your point of view there will be no fixing the marriage. 

The two of you are so far apart that you cannot reach each other.

If you cannot get beyond this idea you have that expressing/feeling love outside of sex is somehow superior to feeling/showing love through sex then do not even try to get back with him. And make sure that you tell any guy who you get involved with in the future of this point of view of yours.

If you are serious about fixing your marriage, then get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them and you do the work they say to do on your own for right now.

For now stop trying to talk about your marriage/relationship with him. You are both no good at this. Wait until counseling and only talk about it in counseling. Let the counselor help you two develop healthy communication skills. IN counseling as him to work through those two books with you.. they will teach both of you how to have a healthy relationship, how to identify your needs and how to meet each others needs.

But if both of you cannot do those things.. then just move on.

Start doing the 180... 180 does no mean no contact. It means that you do not get into the hyper emotional state like you did when you were begging him. It means that you stop talking about anything personal... only business outside of counseling. 

The 180 is not a ploy to get him to want you. It's a way for you to stop the emotional bleeding and get some sanity in your life. It's a way for you to move away from him over time so that if your marriage is not repaired you can move on and be more than ok.


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