# In a Bad Relationship Cycle (Who's been there?)



## VCKid1982 (Dec 28, 2015)

Here is the deal. My wife and I have been arguing on and off probably for going on 3 months... Really bad for about 2 months and really thinking about separation for 2 months... It's a shame, My wife says she has not been happy for 7 months and I was bout 4 months behind on this train ride...

Look, I'll be honest... I've thought about leaving, she's thought about leaving but we have a 3 year old kid that we love to death. Honestly, part of me thinks we'd be better off if I did leave and I didn't feel like my wife cared much. I brought up the possibility of moving separating in therapy and she started crying which made me think... (Hey she really cares maybe this marriage could be salvageable)... I'm just interested because we've came to a decision twice in the last 3 weeks that we should separate because the fights keep getting worse and its hard on my son. I don't have all the answers but I know I have to change the way I've been thinking about her because a lot of it is negative.

The bottom line is I'm responsible for a lot of the negativity as is she and I really don't know what do about the situation. Part of the problem is not enough sex which I dealt with by getting of a particular SSRI. Part of the problem feels like an endless analysis of our relationship and neither of us really wants to leave but one of us will suggest separation and the other will fight it and vice versa. We've even told each other that we love each other but we're not sure we're in love. We don't know how compatible we are and its probably something we should have considered almost 5 years ago before we got married. 

On the other side, it hasnt all been bad... We have a nice home, a wonderful son and we're both good people, we both recently decided that we are going to work on our relationship and not entertain the idea of divorce for the next few weeks anyways and that seems to help the relationship a little bit. Also, we both have strong bonds with each others families and don't want to sever those... The though of leaving her makes me feel sick to my stomach literally and could lead to depression... That doesn't mean its not the right thing to do because there is a potential for greater happiness and less friction if we separated and all the dust settles... I just don't know and I'm not big on that way of thinking at the current time... I want to make things work and I am really working on myself... The thing is, I want to know what you guys honestly think of our prospects and don't hold back... I want a lot of female and male advice on people who have been in this position... 
Thanks,
VCKid

PS. I know it's basic and I dont give out all the details but it just feels like a struggle recently and I want to know my odds of getting out of it and what other people think. My thoughts about life and love have changed a lot lately and I don't think we are soul mates but then again I don't know if soul mates is a real thing... There are a lot of ideas spinning in my head right now and I want to know what people from both sexes think of my dliemma... THANKS AGAIN


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## VCKid1982 (Dec 28, 2015)

Just want to be clear Entire relationship hasnt been negative just wanting to know other people's experience
trying to make it out of a cycle of negativity...


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

You can't just separate and expect that will fix the problems.

You need to do it under the guidance of a trained therapist.

Otherwise you're just moving in the direction of a permanent split.

You also need to define the rules of disengagement, for example can you see other people when you're separated.. that sort of thing.

It's complicated, and not usually effective.



VCKid1982 said:


> Just want to be clear Entire relationship hasnt been negative just wanting to know other people's experience
> trying to make it out of a cycle of negativity...


Well yeah, most relationships are at their worst towards the end.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like to me she could solve a lot of problems if she would have sex with you more often. Not only would it bring you two closer together, if would make you less negative and if you are making love you aren't fighting. Why won't she have sex with you? Is that what most of your fights are about? The more you fight, the less you want to have sex and the less sex you have the farther apart you get. Either way you shouldn't be fighting in front of your son. Maybe you two should look into counseling, you need help communicating with each other, learning how to talk instead of argue.


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...03/marriage-problems-heres-8-step-rescue-plan


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

We listened to love and respect on youtube too. It was pretty helpful. 

I think you have to focus on what you can do to make yourself better. 

One thing that I always do is have an exit strategy for time outs instead of blowing up. Cut out the BS (pardon me): for instance, slamming doors or making parting (rude) comments when you are angry or anything like that. Just say something like I will be back in 10 minutes I am going to clear my head. Then go do something pleasant or try to see things from your spouses side. 

1 separate 
2 talk yourself down from your anger
3 reconnect 

Make a plan. Write it down. Do it. Repeat as often as needed.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

Things are so much more complicated when there are children around. First, I think you and her should make a promise to each other that there will be no more fighting in front of your kid. If theres an argument brewing... table it. Or one of you leave the room and take a breath.
Try writing things down. I know for myself, I have a super hard time saying how I feel in the heat of a discussion.. I need to plan what I say so it comes out as clearly as possible; or else I just talk in circles.

I think counselling is a really good idea. If you won't go together, go separately. My husband struggles with depression... and its a very difficult negative circle to escape. He won't go to therapy for it.. so I'm going on my own. If only jus to bring myself peace of mind.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Without knowing more my immediate vote is you stay together and keep working at.
But why don't you give us a little more detail about your therapist? How long have you been going, do you think you are making progress, does he/she follow a particular style, etc.
And could clear up the issue with lack of intimacy. That was due to your use of an SSRI? And now you are off that? So how are you treating your depression? and how is the intimacy now?
Sorry to pepper you with questions but there is a lot in your short post to chew on.


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## Dream123 (Feb 20, 2016)

Check out book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirsgenbaum.


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