# Long story.. need help!



## Backedup (May 13, 2010)

Hi there. I'm 21 years old, in the United States Air Force as a Civil Engineer and I feel like my life since marriage has been a complete disappointment. Let me tell you my story and I'm completely open to ANY advice. I know this is gonna be long but I want to be as thorough as possible to eliminate as much of a bias view as possible... so PLEASE bear with me!

I met my wife through a friend my freshman year of High School. We dated for all of my years in High School and the sex was decent for living 40 minutes away (maybe once every 2 weeks or so). After I graduated we both moved in together away from home (about 3 hours away) to start college together. After 2 weeks of living together she starts feeling homesick (no sex) because she's the only one ever at the apartment because I was working 40+ hours a week while going to school for 15 credit hours. She lived in the same house for 21 years so I felt like I was understanding. Our relationship began to get rocky and she moved back home and we broke up (no sex). She then commuted every Tuesday and Thursday for 6 hours round trip because she couldn't stay at the apartment. I was okay by myself because I was paying everything by myself anyways. During this time of being single and in college, I used it to my advantage and explored with several different ladies each coming back which was refreshing because I thought the reason my (ex at the time) wasnt wanting it was because of my lack of abilities. BUT ANYWAY

I then get laid off because my school work was cutting into my job. Moved back home and we start talking again. I decide my life was better WITH her so I take her back and I enlisted into the Air Force to make a career for myself (sex at least twice a day before I left for basic training).

After basic training and tech school, I was sent to Korea for a year unaccompanied. Before I left I proposed to her because I could see myself with her for the rest of my life (assumed that our sexual relationship would only blossom after marriage and living alone together).

I come home after 6 months in Korea to get married. BIG, all out wedding. Rented a hotel room afterward to finally consummate without being inside of her parents house. NOTHING happened. We got inside the room... I popped some champagne... and I get the ever so worn out "I'm so tired, I cant even keep my eyes open". I tried anyways. She just shrugged me off. I went to sleep pissed off. In the month I was home on leave we didnt have sex once. I left unaccompanied for another 6 months to complete my year tour in Korea.

After Korea, I came home for 2 weeks (no sex) to get all of our stuff together to move to Hawaii for my next duty station. Here is where I thought our marriage would really sky rocket. All of the feelings would just EXPLODE. Oh how was I wrong. We've been here in Hawaii for 7 months now and we have had sex a total of two... TWO times!! We've even been through Valentine's Day... our one year anniversary... Christmas... both my 21st birthday and her 22nd... No sex ANY of those days.

We've had many MANY discussions about our sexual relationship and how I feel it's a very important part of a marriage. She seems to not care if she would have sex ever again nor search out if she has any problems preventing her to WANT to. You know how if you've gone without sex for a longer period of time than normal then you start to realize all of the little stuff that irritates the SH*T out of you? This is that time. When I try to talk to her about things that upset me she thinks I'm just criticizing her. When I do say something about sex she says that's all I ever think about. True... sex is like air... it's not important unless you're not getting any!!

It's our first time living together and she's transitioned quite well. She's not homesick that I can tell. But I'm not realizing stuff about her that I completely despise. She has over $30,000 in student loans with no degree, a $16,000 car, a mandatory Blackberry phone that's over $100 a month, and a couple of credit cards that are probably $1000 each. Oh, she had no aspirations to get a job until I made her get one while here in Hawaii. She got one... working 4 hours a day doing toddler tumbling. She gets home and is SOO EXHAUSTED so she sits around on the computer and watches her "shows"! When I come home I usually do a load of laundry, dishes, and clean up the house a little before either her or I make dinner.

I am deploying and she's going home because she doesn't want to be here by herself not knowing anyone. So she quit her job and she wants to go home and take this Medical Transcriptionist course that costs $1800. Okay... fine.

It's to the point where we argue about every little thing because deep down I despise her for taking something that should be shared between two married people away from me. She doesnt want to see anyone about it nor talk to me about it. I feel neglected. She obviously doesnt care about my needs. I got a Maxim magazine in the mail the other day because it was a free 3 month subscription and she wanted me to explain myself on why I ordered it. She ripped it up and threw it in the trash in front of me and I just told her I felt sorry for her because she is so self conscious.

I was talking to one of my female friends at work (because I cant talk to them anywhere else, cause if she knew I talked to other females she would completely blow up at me) and she told me I was too nice of a guy for her to deserve me and is completely astonished that I havent sought out a release elsewhere.


That's not the complete story but I just realized how long this was and I'm sure no one is gonna read it so I'll stop here. There's just too many stuff that's bothering me to type down on here. This is majority of it... but PLEASE if you do make it through this comment on what I should do because I feel like if things don't get any better after I come back from my deployment... I'll have no choice but to divorce her. When do you cross the line because you are no longer happy with your life? I'd love to carry my vows to the grave with me... but where does that line exist? Thank you sooo much ahead of time.


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

Backedup said:


> I got a Maxim magazine in the mail the other day because it was a free 3 month subscription and she wanted me to explain myself on why I ordered it. She ripped it up and threw it in the trash in front of me and I just told her I felt sorry for her because she is so self conscious.
> 
> I was talking to one of my female friends at work (because I cant talk to them anywhere else, cause if she knew I talked to other females she would completely blow up at me) and she told me I was too nice of a guy for her to deserve me and is completely astonished that I havent sought out a release elsewhere.
> 
> ...


I was reading your story, and when I came across her ripping your Maxim magazine, I thought _whoah, there's else something going on here! _
Before I explain my point of view, let me tell you that you are 100% right to feel frustrated and angry at the lack of sex, and you are right that when you go without it for so long, you build a general resentment towards everything in the relationship. Obviously I can't get inside her head, but I'm sure there's something keeping her from sleeping with you. This is where I recommend marriage therapy. It'll get both of you talking. 

However, her almost aggressive reaction to you ordering a perfectly ordinary men's magazine suggests that she genuinely suffers from deep-rooted lack of self-esteem. You also say that she wouldn't accept your female friendships -- another indication of lack of confidence. If she's getting jealous, it may be because she thinks you see other women as more attractive. Also, it suggests that she is totally aware that the lack of sex might drive you elsewhere. 

I know you're suffering here, and trying to vent, but (only my opinion) please do not share your marriage problems with female friends/colleagues. That's the start of the slippery slope towards infidelity, even if it's the farthest thing from your mind. By confiding in female friends, you are actually justifying your wife's jealousy. Keep marriage issues in the marriage, or share them in a neutral venue like this forum, or in the safety of a therapist's office. For as long as you are committed to making the marriage work, keep your issues off limits to anyone outside the marriage.

I imagine that because her self-esteem is so low, she might be scared or embarrassed of having sex with you. What is she like in your presence? Does she feel comfortable undressing in front of you? Or does she always try to cover up? Just a guess here, as there could be other reasons behind it. You say you've talked to her about it several times, but did she share her needs with you? Are you fulfilling her needs (which could be purely emotional, by the way)? 

Open the lines of communication between you and your wife, and don't let anyone else in. If you do, you'd be tampering with her trust, and nothing is more detrimental to a marriage than lack of trust.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Yup... agree with gerrypny. My husband is the same as your wife but worse as he lied to me about an affair he did have and has been punishing ME ever since we went to therapy and therapist told him to cut contact with her... meaning no sex, or promise of sex and then not doing it (knowing it would push my buttons). I dont have any good advice bc I am having an affair on him now, not to get back at him, but bc I couldnt take any more rejections and needed to find the sex that I wasnt getting. Its not an emotionally involved affair... just sex. 

I do think its wise to not confide in female co-workers... it may SEEM harmless, but it establishes a connection with them that communicates to a woman it will be ok to try for more... and we know that most guys will not turn down a woman getting naked in front of them I would never have an affair with someone I was confiding in, too much emotional stuff being shared there. Just my opinion.

You are so young and having this happen. Im old and been married for a long long time... the resentment at no sex doesnt go away, it grows. If she is not willing to work on things, its as bad as if you were to go elsewhere for sex... both in my book are breaking the marriage vow to honor one another. If she will not go to counciling, you can go alone and figure out at your tender age if this is something you should stay with... sounds like you have a mixmatch in your sex drives from the beginning... if that is how she is, it will not change... She can decide to make a choice to have sex more, but it would feel as unnatural to her to do that as it does for you to NOT have it.

I wish there was a way for all engaged couples (or couples considering getting married) to realize the impact of mismatched sex drives... nobody should overlook any tiny red flag before walking down the aisle.

I feel for you and wish you luck. Heed gerryponys advice.


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## Backedup (May 13, 2010)

gerrypony said:


> Also, it suggests that she is totally aware that the lack of sex might drive you elsewhere.


I'm in complete agreement with you about the whole lack of self confidence. You stated that she knows it may drive me elsewhere. This is just bazaar to me! Why would you not try to stop something like that? 

I am trying to vent though. I will; however, keep it out of friendships. Thank you for that enlightenment. 

Well let's roll through a quick day to day scenario to see where any indicators are that she's scared or embarrassed. I wake up every morning around 5:30 to go work out. By the time I return home she is either up and watching TV or in bed still sleeping. I do not bother her if she's asleep. If she's awake I will cook breakfast for us both. I'll eat, clean up, and get ready for work. Just before I leave I say "Goodbye, I love you." I then come home for lunch where in most days will still be sitting in the same spot with the same clothes watching TV. I say "Hey" and go on making lunch and eating it. Sometimes she'll come in and pinch my butt or wrap her arms around me and grab onto my chest. We'll usually use that time to talk about stuff we need to do before I deploy. I leave for lunch "Goodbye, I love you". Come home from work. She's dressed and ready to head out the door to do any arrends that she may have had during the day and wants me to go along with her. Not really in the mood to go out, just want to relax but whatever, okay I go with her. Cue to night, if I'm fixing dinner, she'll come in and smack my butt asking "What's cookin good lookin?", we eat dinner, she watches more TV, I'm usually on the computer right next to her getting things organized for my deployment. Cut to night, we both go upstairs, she does undress in front of me without any hesitation. Throughout the 5 years of dating and year of marriage... I come to the conclusion that her idea of sex is at night, before bed, and ONLY in bed. So all of the fondling while I'm making food, means nothing to me. I know if I pursue it.. I'll be just setting myself up for yet ANOTHER let down.

Earlier in our relationship I would just stare at her while she undresses just to get any satisfaction out of it. I still do every once and awhile. But if she ever notices me not looking, she'll ask me why. Why would I?!? Why would I possibly want to start something going in my mind when nothing will ever come of it? On the weekends we usually shower together, which earlier on in our relationship, used to spark something between us. Now it's nothing more than a shower. So in conclusion, no.. I dont assume she's embarrassed or scared to undress in front of me

I cannot talk to her about sex. You asked me if she's ever shared her needs with me. That's a big negative. It seems she cannot share intimate stuff with me. I asked her what her favorite positions are, how she likes me to do it, etc. so I know what I need to do to please her. She usually replies, "The same stuff we always do... If I dont stop you then there's nothing going on that I dont like." I understand her needs obviously aren't sexual. How do I fulfill her needs emotionally? Why do I have to fulfill her needs before mine? She KNOWS about my needs because I have told her before that I'm not happy. 

Anyway I have to wrap this up, I have to head off to work. Thank you for your reply and whynot... I'll get to you later tonight and reply to your message. Thank you both again!


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

Okay, so she has no reservations about her body, and is plenty confident to be seen naked by her husband. The next possibility is that she has performance anxiety (along with a low libido). Has she had a lot of sexual experience before your marriage with other people? If a woman has only ever been with one man (like I have), I believe he becomes her only source of sexual confidence. If he doesn't want sex, her self-esteem drops. If he complains that the sex doesn't satisfy him, she blames herself and withdraws. Be sensitive if you ever discuss sexual satisfaction, especially just after sex. 

I do sense that you are trying very hard for your marriage, and your posts imply that she isn't doing much at all. How true that is, i don't know, as there's always two sides to a story. I am curious what her take on this is ... knowing full well how sex-deprived her husband is. 

Got another question for you: when she gets up to flirt or pinch your butt, etc., do you ever pursue it? You say she associates sex with going to bed for the night, but could she perhaps be trying to initiate something when she flirts with you, then considers herself rejected when you don't pursue? 

If your typical day honestly goes the way you described it, then your wife owes your marriage a lot of work. I think it's great that you're happy to fix your own lunch and prepare dinner after a day at work, but wouldn't you like it if you came home to find her preparing dinner sometimes? Both partners should give 50/50 to a marriage. 

As whynot says, do see a therapist even if you have to go on your own. Your wife is keeping too much to herself, and marriage simply does not thrive in that atmosphere. You need to establish transparency and safety with each other before you even attempt to tackle the sexual incompatability. 

Hang in there and don't let go just yet. I understand your frustrations (my husband rarely ever wants sex, so I know the feeling too well), but marriage is constant hard work for most people. She needs to be told this by a person of some authority (i.e. therapist).


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## morjorie (May 13, 2010)

Backedup said:


> Hi there. I'm 21 years old, in the United States Air Force as a Civil Engineer and I feel like my life since marriage has been a complete disappointment. Let me tell you my story and I'm completely open to ANY advice. I know this is gonna be long but I want to be as thorough as possible to eliminate as much of a bias view as possible... so PLEASE bear with me!
> 
> I met my wife through a friend my freshman year of High School. We dated for all of my years in High School and the sex was decent for living 40 minutes away (maybe once every 2 weeks or so). After I graduated we both moved in together away from home (about 3 hours away) to start college together. After 2 weeks of living together she starts feeling homesick (no sex) because she's the only one ever at the apartment because I was working 40+ hours a week while going to school for 15 credit hours. She lived in the same house for 21 years so I felt like I was understanding. Our relationship began to get rocky and she moved back home and we broke up (no sex). She then commuted every Tuesday and Thursday for 6 hours round trip because she couldn't stay at the apartment. I was okay by myself because I was paying everything by myself anyways. During this time of being single and in college, I used it to my advantage and explored with several different ladies each coming back which was refreshing because I thought the reason my (ex at the time) wasnt wanting it was because of my lack of abilities. BUT ANYWAY
> 
> ...


whoa i feel so bad for you!!! She obviously has issues. When me and my husband started dating I didnt care much for sex because an awful experience during my childhood. He understood and we were happy. I couldnt ignore the fact that he's a man and he's in the military so ... HELLO! He needs sex right? ofcourse he does. My experience was awful but he shouldnt pay the price. As your wife, she needs to get off her high horse and get over her insecurities. Her jealously might be her concience...(idk how to spell it)... Youre probably lost all hope and are frustrated but she sounds like an ignorant, lazy jealous person. She needs to care about your needs. My advice get to the roots of it. Why is she so jealous? Why doesnt she like sex? Who doesnt like sex???!!! Not liking sex could be a medical problem. Dont loose hope... theres an answer out there.:scratchhead:


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