# Looking for Support



## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

My situation: over 25yrs married, both of us in our 60's, 2nd time he's cheating. He doesn't know I know this time. My youngest is just a year from going off to college. There are many other reasons why I'm not ready to pull the trigger just now and divorce. I know I will be, and have spoken to a couple of attorneys. We went through marriage counseling before, but actions speak louder than words. I know I'm not the only one out there having to wait for the best time for action. I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone dealing with the pain of betrayal and loss of trust. Would like to hear from others who are coping with having to lay low. Thanks


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

There are a lot of folks on here who have "stayed" for the kids -- they will respond soon.
.
Use the time you will stay (before your child goes to college) to get your plan together -- see a lawyer NOW so you know what will be involved, what the finances will be, etc.. Upgrade your skills, look for where you'd like to live, etc.. Work on YOU -- your health, eating, sleeping, etc..

VERY sorry you are going through this


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

j1958 said:


> He doesn't know I know this time. My youngest is just a year from going off to college. There are many other reasons why I'm not ready to pull the trigger just now and divorce.


Hi, welcome, and I'm sorry to hear you're here under these circumstances. I guess my questions include, how did you find out, why haven't you told him you know, and what are your other many reasons to not divorce yet?


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Hi, welcome, and I'm sorry to hear you're here under these circumstances. I guess my questions include, how did you find out, why haven't you told him you know, and what are your other many reasons to not divorce yet?


Gut feeling, then seeing his car parked where it shouldn't. 

Primary reason for not is wanting to have my youngest senior year be as relaxed as possible, especially with COVID causing so many feelings of isolation in school kids. (Not just school kids unfortunately )The others are wanting to make sure I have all my info gathered re finances. I know his personality and it will be a highly contentious divorce. As I said, I've talked to 2 lawyers, so I know what papers/info I need to secure. Been reading various entries and know that divorce does not happen overnight, but can drag on. I need to be more mentally prepared than I am right now.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

j1958 said:


> Gut feeling, then seeing his car parked where it shouldn't.
> 
> Primary reason for not is wanting to have my youngest senior year be as relaxed as possible, especially with COVID causing so many feelings of isolation in school kids. (Not just school kids unfortunately )The others are wanting to make sure I have all my info gathered re finances. I know his personality and it will be a highly contentious divorce. As I said, I've talked to 2 lawyers, so I know what papers/info I need to secure. Been reading various entries and know that divorce does not happen overnight, but can drag on. I need to be more mentally prepared than I am right now.


I hear you. Well, gut feelings are on point, but unfortunately don't hold up well in court. You're going to have to start gathering evidence. Consider getting a VAR to record his conversations. Also, do you have phone access? How did you find out about the 1st affair? How long did that one last?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Actually @j1958 , most states these days are no-fault, so that means the courts don't consider too much whether a person is cheating or not (unless there's a post-nup or something like that). Now again, VERY, VERY broadly, the way a judge determines alimony can be discretionary. Yes, there's often/usually some way of calculating it, but there's also some discretion left to the judge to change that calculation. So rather than spending your energy proving his infidelity, you may want to first find your state's laws by looking at this link: State Laws - FindLaw and clicking on your state. Then inform yourself by reading about what your state requires, what it considers for spousal support, etc. 

If it turns out that a judge in your state can increase your alimony based on proof of infidelity--then by all means use your energy for that so that your financial position is improved. If you can prove he squandered marital assets on his affair partner, you may improve your financial position. But if all you're doing is proving to yourself that he IS cheating--well it sounds to me like you are convinced and don't need to torture yourself further. 

A good plan might be to say that you'll co-exist for one year. During that year you can not only enjoy your child's senior year, but also lay the groundwork so you are prepared for the divorce. You can use your energy to go to counseling and process the emotions of ending a long-term marriage. You can use your energy to set up your own bank account in your own name--even if it's just a savings account! You can use your energy to gather documentation you'll need (copies of bank statements, mortgage payments and balances, birth certificates, marriage licenses, passports, etc.) and put those copies in a safe deposit box at the bank. You can use your energy to find some ladies who are your support group. There is a lot you can do to "prepare."


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> Actually @j1958 , most states these days are no-fault, so that means the courts don't consider too much whether a person is cheating or not (unless there's a post-nup or something like that). Now again, VERY, VERY broadly, the way a judge determines alimony can be discretionary. Yes, there's often/usually some way of calculating it, but there's also some discretion left to the judge to change that calculation. So rather than spending your energy proving his infidelity, you may want to first find your state's laws by looking at this link: State Laws - FindLaw and clicking on your state. Then inform yourself by reading about what your state requires, what it considers for spousal support, etc.
> 
> If it turns out that a judge in your state can increase your alimony based on proof of infidelity--then by all means use your energy for that so that your financial position is improved. If you can prove he squandered marital assets on his affair partner, you may improve your financial position. But if all you're doing is proving to yourself that he IS cheating--well it sounds to me like you are convinced and don't need to torture yourself further.
> 
> A good plan might be to say that you'll co-exist for one year. During that year you can not only enjoy your child's senior year, but also lay the groundwork so you are prepared for the divorce. You can use your energy to go to counseling and process the emotions of ending a long-term marriage. You can use your energy to set up your own bank account in your own name--even if it's just a savings account! You can use your energy to gather documentation you'll need (copies of bank statements, mortgage payments and balances, birth certificates, marriage licenses, passports, etc.) and put those copies in a safe deposit box at the bank. You can use your energy to find some ladies who are your support group. There is a lot you can do to "prepare."


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Yep, state I live in could care less, except if martial assets (money) were used. More important is the length of our marriage and the assets that have been obtained during that time. He has 2 businesses he put into corporations in his name only. Jokes on him, lawyers say that doesn't matter cause it was during our marriage. But I know that it will take longer to unravel the businesses, so another reason to proceed carefully and get all documents in a safe place.

Affaircare is right, gather proof of the affair just brings pain, when I need to keep things as normal and calm in the home.
That's what's the toughest. And being pissed off that he thinks I'm so stupid. Typical Cake Eater mentality.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

j1958 said:


> Yep, state I live in could care less, except if martial assets (money) were used. More important is the length of our marriage and the assets that have been obtained during that time. He has 2 businesses he put into corporations in his name only. Jokes on him, lawyers say that doesn't matter cause it was during our marriage. But I know that it will take longer to unravel the businesses, so another reason to proceed carefully and get all documents in a safe place.
> 
> Affaircare is right, gather proof of the affair just brings pain, when I need to keep things as normal and calm in the home.
> That's what's the toughest. And being pissed off that he thinks I'm so stupid. Typical Cake Eater mentality.


So, I have a hard time with this.

I guess I read your reasons and they ring hollow. I suspect you’re actually just terrified to pull the trigger, because the unknown is harder to contemplate than the crappy known. This, I can relate to. It’s an ugly thing to look down the barrel of your shattered life and contemplate what’s left, and have no idea what that even looks like.

Documents? They take 1 hour tops to get, the time to figure out paperwork and legalities? Zero of your time that’s what you pay a lawyer to do... ok if you have tons of different accounts to track down... 3 days to a week tops. You are talking about YEARS. Because your almost grown child will be too stressed... but their first year of college will be less stressful right? Might as well wait until graduation from college, but then there is their new job... you might feel it’s not worth it to leave then because maybe you think you are too old to move on then. How will holidays with your future grandkids work if you’re separated? Can’t leave then either...Do you see how that works? The justifications will be many and endless.

So... You’re going to sleep next to guy who is having an affair? Have sex with him? Make him spaghetti dinner? Tell him you love him? You are going to be in an open marriage for years... probably indefinitely. You are pissed... but not pissed enough to call him on his bull crap and at least sleep in another room?

I feel for you, but I don’t understand the words you type. At least say the truth, that you are terrified. I’ll tell you I’m terrified! Every day! Every time I wake up, I’m afraid. But I have a plan, so sometimes I am hopeful, sometimes I am resigned. But I am not complacent, that I refuse to be, because that’s where the soul dies. And the cheater isn’t entitled to that. They take a lot, including self esteem and emotional safety, hope, belief in love. But don’t let the bastard take your soul too, your spark, your desire to actually live rather than just exist.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Yes, I'm terrified of what my life after 25yrs and being in my 60's would be after divorce. I'm also terrified of the narcissistic rage that my husband will have when I have forensic accountants go through all the business. And guess what, I am sleeping in another room and I'm not making spaghetti dinner, and pretending that all is good. What I am doing is trying to make sure the fall out isn't coming down on my kids, who the youngest already one time came crying to me saying he knows when he turns 18 I'm going to divorce his father. So I've also got guilt that my kids see the truth of our family's situation.

So like I titled my posting, I'm looking for support. Looking for those who also are not at the point of pulling the trigger. Not criticism that I'm not doing or acting on another persons timeline. Yes I have MY PLAN, and I have had to compartmentalize my life to keep what pride and self esteem I have alive. You may think your posting was to be eye opening that there will always be reasons not to divorce. What it came off is judgmental, like a number of postings on another infidelity website where the attitude is divorce the bastard, torpedoes full speed ahead. That's not where I am at this point and time, but it is coming, or I would never have reached out to this website in the first place.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

j1958 said:


> And guess what, I am sleeping in another room


Why are you sleeping in another room? What does your husband think about this? You must have given him a reason?


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

He asked me to a couple of years ago due to my snoring. And also when our sex life started to become less frequent it was because of the propecia medicine that can cause loss of interest in sex. I thought I was being considerate of his need for a good night sleep and I was being sensitive to his inability of getting it up. What I didn't realize was I was in the narcissist discard phase. Yes, I'm in a sexless, loveless marriage. Why he hasn't asked for a divorce is (I think) for the same reason most Cake Eaters, he has the best of both worlds. He has the excitement of his side piece, but the comfort and security of his home intact. I also think he wants to maintain the image of a long term married business man. 

Before I knew for sure he was having another affair, I would approach him from time to time for some love and affection. I got the "not tonight, maybe tomorrow". Tomorrows got fewer and fewer. For some reason though, he makes a big deal of kissing me goodbye before he goes to work each morning. His idea of showing me enough affection to keep me happy??/

I can remember how I use to see our lives as we approached retirement, that we'd be able to travel and enjoy each other like we did while dating. Now I just daydream of when and how I will remove things from the house that I don't want lost or destroyed. My girlfriend and I have already started going through closets, getting rid of that which I don't need. I've walked around my house mentally making a list of things that I can live without. So again, I do have MY PLAN and MY TIMELINE in place. But know I'm not the only person who is having for their own reasons to stay married and dealing with an unfaithful spouse. This forum is Coping with infidelity


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

So, your husband is having a sexless affair?


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

No, that's just the lie he told me to avoid having sex with me, which when I was in denial I believed. Only a few men have that side effect. One day about a month ago I mention "hey maybe trying the blue pill" and he slipped and said he didn't need it. No he's getting sex, just not with me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

j1958 said:


> No, that's just the lie he told me to avoid having sex with me, which when I was in denial I believed. Only a few men have that side effect. One day about a month ago I mention "hey maybe trying the blue pill" and he slipped and said he didn't need it. No he's getting sex, just not with me.


What a nasty piece of work! Well, I think your life will be a lot better without him... don't be scared.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The next time he goes in for a kiss, tell him no thanks - you're kissed out. Let him wonder.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

Gotta love the propecia excuse. I’m quite familiar with the RX. Your husband is funny. A tool, but funny. Had a good chuckle about the excuse.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

J1958,

You wrote, *My situation: over 25yrs married, both of us in our 60's, 2nd time he's cheating. He doesn't know I know this time.* 

I really doubt this is his second time given everything you wrote, I would guess he has a list of women he wants and touches base every so often to keep them as possibles if the need arises, while men like him discard women they also go back to them if they can use them, he might call you from his death bed for example.

You need to be commended for your level headed approach to this horrible web of lies your WH has entangled you in, what a laugh it will be when you have outsmarted a man who thinks he is smarter than everyone. Hire a cameraman to record the event like a marriage in reverse, tell him it's a documentary about his achievements in life and his example to humanity.

Be glad you are not having sex as you might get some incurable STD from him, barf.


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## Toonice56 (Mar 19, 2021)

j1958 said:


> My situation: over 25yrs married, both of us in our 60's, 2nd time he's cheating. He doesn't know I know this time. My youngest is just a year from going off to college. There are many other reasons why I'm not ready to pull the trigger just now and divorce. I know I will be, and have spoken to a couple of attorneys. We went through marriage counseling before, but actions speak louder than words. I know I'm not the only one out there having to wait for the best time for action. I find comfort in knowing I'm not alone dealing with the pain of betrayal and loss of trust. Would like to hear from others who are coping with having to lay low. Thanks


I' feel your pain, we were separated when he had affair.we got back together but I'm not sure it was the best thing to do.i forgave and let it go,but we have more problems than that, I'm lost right now, we coexist I stay in 1 half of house him in the other. Our kids are not aware.they know about the past but that's it. I like to keep it that way for now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I know you aren't pulling the trigger right away, but for when you do....
The only suggestion is that for your KIDS -- TALK to them. Explain WHY you will divorce him -- explain what YOU are going through and that you deserve better. You can use this as a learning experience for your kids about what NOT to allow -- and you leaving SHOWS them this.
You may want to get a child counselor for them also...


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

j1958 said:


> Yes, I'm terrified of what my life after 25yrs and being in my 60's would be after divorce. I'm also terrified of the narcissistic rage that my husband will have when I have forensic accountants go through all the business. And guess what, I am sleeping in another room and I'm not making spaghetti dinner, and pretending that all is good. What I am doing is trying to make sure the fall out isn't coming down on my kids, who the youngest already one time came crying to me saying he knows when he turns 18 I'm going to divorce his father. So I've also got guilt that my kids see the truth of our family's situation.
> 
> So like I titled my posting, I'm looking for support. Looking for those who also are not at the point of pulling the trigger. Not criticism that I'm not doing or acting on another persons timeline. Yes I have MY PLAN, and I have had to compartmentalize my life to keep what pride and self esteem I have alive. You may think your posting was to be eye opening that there will always be reasons not to divorce. What it came off is judgmental, like a number of postings on another infidelity website where the attitude is divorce the bastard, torpedoes full speed ahead. That's not where I am at this point and time, but it is coming, or I would never have reached out to this website in the first place.


I wouldn’t call it judging YOU or your plan. I call it righteous anger on behalf of a woman who obviously does not deserve to be treated like trash by her narcissistic a-hole husband who couldn’t care less about his children’s feelings let alone the woman he married. I’m not judging you. I’m disgusted for you. I don’t think any person deserves or should have to be subjected to living with that. Ever. I think of my own pain, and then multiply it by thinking I’d have an even slower “out” as you are doing. And it makes me sad, and angry. I emote.

So what is your timeline? A year-ish? If you aren’t sleeping together and are living like roommates I think this is probably more tolerable. Are you in counseling? I may have missed that.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Kudos to you, j1958 for being able to keep your wits about you during what must be a very difficult time...I applaud you for being able to consider your children ahead of yourself...
You're plan is perfect for making sure that you come out a winner in this...
Take this time to practice plenty of self care as well as plan for the future and reach out to this group if you have any moments of weakness...godspeed!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Being able to look the devil in the eye, while plotting behind his back, must be, in some manner, pleasurable.

The patient cat gets the hiding rat.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think a lot of people that read on this forum and see betrayed spouses over and over drag their feet and never escape the pain and move forward, and nobody wants to see you in that. If your plan is really going to be a plan, anyone would support you on that. Only you can determine if you’re stalling, hoping things work out differently and he will miraculously turn into a safe partner, or if you are steeled to really leaving your disloyal spouse torturing zombie husband.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Being able to look the devil in the eye, while plotting behind his back, must be, in some manner, pleasurable.
> 
> The patient cat gets the hiding rat.


I do take great pleasure. With my IRL girlfriends, I have them remind me from time to time, that I'm being strategic and playing the long game. Short time sacrifice for long term gain. But as others who have had to go through this know, it takes all of your self control not to scream "LIAR" in their faces.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

j1958 said:


> I do take great pleasure. With my IRL girlfriends, I have them remind me from time to time, that I'm being strategic and playing the long game. Short time sacrifice for long term gain. But as others who have had to go through this know, it takes all of your self control not to scream "LIAR" in their faces.


How do you think he will react when your spring divorce on him, serve him right, I say.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

aine said:


> How do you think he will react when your spring divorce on him, serve him right, I say.


I think he will go into VIPER mode. Money is his god, and he will fight having to share what he sees as what he's worked hard for over our 25 yr marriage. I've been assured by 2 lawyers that it doesn't matter that all property/business is in his name only as owner, that the state I'm in regard it as marital property. One thing I've got going for me is my name is on checking accounts. I'm more aware than some wives as to where all assets are, but that still doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I asked one lawyer how long it would take, and he chuckled saying that he's seen divorces that should have been settled in 3-6 months take over 3-5 years. I know that's another "FEAR". The masks/gloves off that's going to come.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Do you think he has done any "hiding" of assets? Do you think you would need a forensic accountant for this?

Also think about using the BUSINESS as leverage for what YOU want -- hey, I'll let you keep THIS for the business, but I want xxx from the house, etc. type of thing.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

j1958 said:


> I think he will go into VIPER mode. Money is his god, and he will fight having to share what he sees as what he's worked hard for over our 25 yr marriage. I've been assured by 2 lawyers that it doesn't matter that all property/business is in his name only as owner, that the state I'm in regard it as marital property. One thing I've got going for me is my name is on checking accounts. I'm more aware than some wives as to where all assets are, but that still doesn't mean it's going to be easy. I asked one lawyer how long it would take, and he chuckled saying that he's seen divorces that should have been settled in 3-6 months take over 3-5 years. I know that's another "FEAR". The masks/gloves off that's going to come.


It appears that you are not repulsed being around him even under these circumstances. If that's true, you're sitting in the driver's seat. Don't let on that you know anything. Continue building your case with the help of a divorce attorney. If everything is as you say it is, you can clean his clock.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Do you think he has done any "hiding" of assets? Do you think you would need a forensic accountant for this?
> 
> Also think about using the BUSINESS as leverage for what YOU want -- hey, I'll let you keep THIS for the business, but I want xxx from the house, etc. type of thing.


I have made lists just like that, (I won't touch this, if you give me that). Was advised that with a Narcissist (my diagnosis of my husband, tics off soooooo many of the boxes on those questionnaires re: narcissists), don't reveal what you will settle for at first, but demand all that the courts would probably allow. Then start with the you keep, I get trade off. 

I will admit, I enjoy daydreaming of the day I will be able to carry this out.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Sfort said:


> It appears that you are not repulsed being around him even under these circumstances. If that's true, you're sitting in the driver's seat. Don't let on that you know anything. Continue building your case with the help of a divorce attorney. If everything is as you say it is, you can clean his clock.


I am grateful I have a few trusted friends that know of my situation, and support what they see as being strategic.
As one person quoted previously, which is my new favorite quote:

The patient cat gets the hiding rat.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

j1958 said:


> I have made lists just like that, (I won't touch this, if you give me that). Was advised that with a Narcissist (my diagnosis of my husband, tics off soooooo many of the boxes on those questionnaires re: narcissists), don't reveal what you will settle for at first, but demand all that the courts would probably allow. Then start with the you keep, I get trade off.
> 
> I will admit, I enjoy daydreaming of the day I will be able to carry this out.


Agree with your approach 100%!!!!


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## Williejay1975 (Feb 24, 2021)

What to do:

Get a grip on yourself with the end result to stop taking the other person serious. This emotionally protects you.
Plant a GPS tracker to the person or hire a private detective.
Prepare for a divorce. This mentally protects you.
Note: Not taking the other person serious stops you from going crazy which you would do something you later regret.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s always easy to pick out who knows how to prepare for a fight and can put aside mental anguish gymnasts and replace it with logic and strength.

Your already a winner in my book and your going to do better than you think.


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## j1958 (Mar 18, 2021)

Having a hard day. I've got over a year until it's the best time for me to make my move. Got to remember: long game. Words of support always welcomed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

My hat's off to you. I know it must be hard.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have a lot more control than most I’ve see.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

j1958 said:


> Having a hard day. I've got over a year until it's the best time for me to make my move. Got to remember: long game. Words of support always welcomed.


Wow! That takes serious guts. You're going to have to be very convincing as that is a long time to be acting, hoping he doesn't figure out that you know. Because, if he does figure it out.... actually, if he even suspects that you know, he will get his ducks in a row without telling you which could compromise your current legal/financial situation. Although, one thing that is good about narcissists (if there could ever be anything good about one), is that they are very predictable. 

Also, Have you had an std test yet? If not, you probably should.


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