# Closer to the Edge...



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Hey all.

I had a thread going on the New Members thread but this is a more appropriate place to continue.

I can feel myself emotionally distancing myself from wife more and more everyday. I know doing this is hurtful and I regret doing it. I know the end is coming and that is a truth I think even I've been too afraid to face until now. I made what felt like a simple request of her this morning via text hoping it would be seen as what it was and not something that could blow up in my face. I was wrong. This was my request:

"Can you do me a favor? When you plan on not making anything for lunch for kids that are home, can you please let them know? I know you said you didn't make anything for lunch for them them on Friday and I know it's happened in the past too where they are just kind of on their own, but I'm not sure that they always know that when those days pop up. I really do appreciate those days which are most of the time when you go out of your way and stop what you're doing to make them something for lunch. I just think it would be better if they knew when those other days were going to pop up to step any confusion that might pop up."

And this was the answer I received:

"You can let them know that I will no longer be making lunch for them going forward. When I am disrespected, I am done doing it."

No clarity on why she's feeling disrespected. Nothing. Just that she will no longer make my children lunch because of how she feels.

Should I be concerned that they are home alone with her if she won't even make them lunch when they are home with her because she feels disrespected? Their grandmother is close and can pick them up if need be. I don't know what to think anymore about much of anything.

End. Of. Rope.


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Hi @hubbyintrubby

I think your text was fine. Maybe a little wordy but it was clear you had good intentions and a good reason her her to communicate on lunch situation.

Your wife's reaction is belligerent and not normal.

I can't imagine having to deal with that on a day to day basis. I'll let others chime in here for additional suggestions but I would not fault you for wanting to end your marriage if your wife doesn't have any intention of changing.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Your children are being damaged daily by contact with this person....... they are way too young for her to say they will not be cared for by her.... because that is what she is saying. You need to start protecting them...... they should be your highest priority right now.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would do nothing more via messaging... keep it all face to face and carry a VAR for you only so you can hear YOURSELF as you speak with her. Listen to YOUR tone in how you pose questions, ask for requests, simply carry on back and forth conversations.

Do it for you and you alone and keep your information and feedback to yourself as you become aware of how conversation exchanges fail or succeed... do not use it to justify ANYTHING with her behavior.

Our baggage is often deceiving when ego is involved... learn to buffer all in kindness whether it be word or deed, but keep the words vocal and pay attention to the immediate footprints you leave behind in your conversation.

Oh, and teach your children the basics of sandwich making... a skill that will last a lifetime. ;-)


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

More thoughts...

I agree with @oneMOreguy... respect isn't the issue here, control is.

This is very unhealthy, if your ex can take your son I would have that conversation so he can be in a safe environment while you move in a healthy direction.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I'm far more worried on what this is doing, or could do the kids. Especially things like this episode today. That is a good enough reason for me by a longshot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Hey all.
> 
> I had a thread going on the New Members thread but this is a more appropriate place to continue.
> 
> ...


Are these her own children she won't cook for?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

turnera said:


> Are these her own children she won't cook for?


No, they are my children from my first marriage.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ages?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ages?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


12 and 9


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then I would start isolating your kids from her. She's not going to be around long. *Right?* And teach them how to make their own food so they are no longer indebted to her. Every day she slights them, they take a personal emotional hit. Don't keep them in that position.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

hubbyintrubby said:


> 12 and 9




Seriously? I haven’t read your first post...only this one but can you please explain to me why a 12 year old and a 9 year old cannot make their own lunch? My son could bake a chicken by the age of 12. 

Perhaps I’m missing something...


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Seriously? I haven’t read your first post...only this one but can you please explain to me why a 12 year old and a 9 year old cannot make their own lunch? My son could bake a chicken by the age of 12.
> 
> Perhaps I’m missing something...
> 
> ...


They can make themselves lunch just fine. They are home with their step-mother today while I am at work. 96% of the time she makes them lunch when they are home at our house. Today, she feels disrespected (more in the other post) and she is refusing to make them lunch. I sent her what I thought was a good hearted request to let them know when she wouldn't be doing that so that they could indeed make themselves lunch just so they'd know. It has nothing to do with their ability to make themselves lunch.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

hubbyintrubby said:


> They can make themselves lunch just fine. They are home with their step-mother today while I am at work. 96% of the time she makes them lunch when they are home at our house. Today, she feels disrespected (more in the other post) and she is refusing to make them lunch. I sent her what I thought was a good hearted request to let them know when she wouldn't be doing that so that they could indeed make themselves lunch just so they'd know. It has nothing to do with their ability to make themselves lunch.




Ok...not meaning to disrespect you in any way but as long as there’s enough food in the house, I would in NO way, shape form or fashion be making lunch for children of this age. Dinner? Perhaps...and even that one would be questionable if mom and dad are busy. 


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ok...not meaning to disrespect you in any way but as long as there’s enough food in the house, I would in NO way, shape form or fashion be making lunch for children of this age. Dinner? Perhaps...and even that one would be questionable if mom and dad are busy.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I understand. Things run different in different homes and that's ok. You have your way and we have our way. 

You seem to be missing the point of my post, and that's ok too.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

“Perhaps I knew deep down even then that I really didn't want to separate but really wanted the divorce.”

There you go. 

The Brady Bunch ain’t real. BTDT. 


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> The Brady Bunch ain’t real. BTDT.


Truer words were never spoken.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I understand. Things run different in different homes and that's ok. You have your way and we have our way.
> 
> 
> 
> You seem to be missing the point of my post, and that's ok too.




I wouldn’t be spending my time posting to you if I didn’t have a clue dude. Please allow my past to help your future. I didn’t miss any points and you aren’t a unicorn in a fairy tale. Sometimes it takes a 2x4. 

Said with love 


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I wouldn’t be spending my time posting to you if I didn’t have a clue dude. Please allow my past to help your future. I didn’t miss any points and you aren’t a unicorn in a fairy tale. Sometimes it takes a 2x4.
> 
> Said with love
> 
> ...


I understand, E. I'm sorry if I offended you in some way or felt like I minimized your valuable opinion. I'm just at the end of a proverbial rope. I do appreciate your input in this matter, I really do. I'll take all I can get right now. Thank you.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I understand, E. I'm sorry if I offended you in some way or felt like I minimized your valuable opinion. I'm just at the end of a proverbial rope. I do appreciate your input in this matter, I really do. I'll take all I can get right now. Thank you.



My best advice is that you can’t marry your kids a mother. The best thing you can do now is back out as gracefully as you can, teach your children to be self sufficient and be the best dad you can be. Sad but true but you might very well be faced with doing things on your own until your kids are grown. Unless you do find a rare unicorn, anything else will just harm them in the long run. 

I KNOW it isn’t easy. But being a good parent is NEVER easy. BUT...if you do it well, your kids will love you forever for it! I know mine do 

And always remember that your job is NOT to forever protect them. It is to teach them how to be productive members of adult society. 

You know what you need to do. As parents, we sign up to be last in line. Start doing that and for GODS sake...teach them how to cook! lol 


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ps: you did not offend me 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, the point of your post is that you're with a wicked, selfish, hot-tempered woman who expected you to be doing for HER, and the kids are just in the way, and she has no intention of ever caring about them; they just came with the deal. 

On a personal note, the point of your post is that I'm not sure you being with her is in the best interests of your children who, IMO, should be your #1 focus for at least the next 9 years.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

turnera said:


> IMO, the point of your post is that you're with a wicked, selfish, hot-tempered woman who expected you to be doing for HER, and the kids are just in the way, and she has no intention of ever caring about them; they just came with the deal.
> 
> On a personal note, the point of your post is that I'm not sure you being with her is in the best interests of your children who, IMO, should be your #1 focus for at least the next 9 years.


That makes me so sad to read that all written out. Yes, that is the point and that is my reality right now. I want out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My mom didn't do a great job raising me, she was going through her own hell, but one thing she didn't subject me to and for which I will always be grateful, is that she didn't date or marry some guy I had to live with and fight for her attention and wonder if he just wanted me gone. Not sure I would have survived that.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

turnera said:


> My mom didn't do a great job raising me, she was going through her own hell, but one thing she didn't subject me to and for which I will always be grateful, is that she didn't date or marry some guy I had to live with and fight for her attention and wonder if he just wanted me gone. Not sure I would have survived that.


I'm very grateful for that too @turnera I'm glad that is something you hang onto and know. I just hope I haven't done too much damage to my children already.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, she is going to refuse to prepare lunch "going forward" for the children in order to spite you?

And what REAL person uses terms like "going forward" in a letter/message about making lunch, for children, for goodness sake?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> So, she is going to refuse to prepare lunch "going forward" for the children in order to spite you?
> 
> And what REAL person uses terms like "going forward" in a letter/message about making lunch, for children, for goodness sake?


Someone who is doing something only out of spite, and for no other reason.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like she resents your children (and/or resents you for having them be around her). That's obviously not something a parent should ever tolerate. Now you see why so many second marriages fail. 

Time to move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Seriously? I haven’t read your first post...only this one but can you please explain to me why a 12 year old and a 9 year old cannot make their own lunch? My son could bake a chicken by the age of 12.
> 
> Perhaps I’m missing something...
> 
> ...


So you're saying her response was normal?

Respectfully, I'd call BS.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So you're saying her response was normal?
> 
> 
> 
> Respectfully, I'd call BS.




No...not saying that at all. OP needs to get himself and his children out of this situation. 

The kids ARE old enough to make their own lunch though. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I raised my DD28, every year I gave her another chore, starting with picking up bedroom at around age 5, then cleaning bathroom, then cooking. By the time she graduated high school, she could do all the things you need to take care of a house, plus mowing the lawn and changing a tire, stuff like that. I considered that part of my job in raising her.


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