# How do you get over infidelity: Considering Divorce



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Please read my previous post for background; I feel helpless and I need strength to make anything happen. 

Those who have been through divorce and separation how did that work for you? 

I have three children still quite young 5,3 and 1.

Breaks my heart for them, they adore their father... 

My heart sinks


----------



## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

You don't "get over" infidelity. You learn to live with it...whether you stay together or divorce....you will have to come to some sort of acceptance. But first you will grieve for your loss....and no one can tell you how long your grief will last...because each of us grieves in our own way in our own time.

You don't have to divorce quickly...you can give yourself time...there is no need to rush into anything. If you cannot live with him...then ask him to leave. But you don't have to do anything you are not ready to do. Surround yourself with positive support...go to therapy to help yourself sort things out...and don't do anything you are not ready to do. 

I am sorry you are here.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

It’s been over a year now and I’m still not totally over it - better but not 100% but he still continues to do things that upset me


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am very sorry for you, but you must not think your life is over. You are not the first or the last, many have faced the same challenges as you and have survived and thrived. Had great happy lives. I suggest the first thing you do is get information, this will help empower you. Go see a lawyer and see what rights you have. 

Don't give up hope whatever happens you will survive and have joy again.


----------



## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

Dees said:


> It’s been over a year now and I’m still not totally over it - better but not 100% but he still continues to do things that upset me


Let me try to explain something to you...when your spouse betrays you...they take away your power. Your husband is in the drivers seat right now...there comes a time when you have to take your power back. He is making decisions for you that you don't like. SOOOOOO... stop him! I know you are afraid...I know you feel helpless...but you are only helpless because you are allowing yourself to be.

Surround yourself with positive supporters. Get therapy to help you sort it all out. See a lawyer...find out your rights...be smart about your decisions...be informed. and then...take charge. YOU make the decisions that are the best for you...not him...YOU. If you still love him and you want to remain married...then you tell him what it will take to make that happen. If he continues to disrespect you...then take action. If you want a divorce...then pursue it. You don't owe him anything....he owes you EVERYTHING.

If he is continuing to do things that upset you...if you have drawn lines in the sand and he keeps stepping over them...then he is disrespecting you. and that is not good for you nor is it good for your children.

Take back your power...make informed decisions that are best for you not him. Love yourself first...love yourself more than him. He obviously loves himself more than he loves you....or he would not treat you the way he is.

You can do this...it wont be easy...but you can do this.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MrsJA is right, part of the pain you feel is the uncertainty and the lack of agency you feel in your life. But that is a lie you have total control of what you will accept. You just have to have a little faith and have the courage to give yourself hope. You deserve better but you may have to go out and demand it. You can DO this, you have to do this if you want a better life. You should do this for yourself and your kids.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you're like me, you don't get over it! Especially when it's an unrepentant act! And it's happened to me twice!

Makes me greatly fear letting myself anywhere close to another woman again, no matter how innocent she is!

The trust factor is shot, but that's just me! And I'm almost positive that God will kick my a$$ for my behavioral fear, all in the due course of time!*


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Dees said:


> It’s been over a year now and I’m still not totally over it - better but not 100% but *he still continues to do things that upset me*


That is very telling, about how committed to you and the marriage he is. He should be turning himself into a pretzel trying to win you back.



arbitrator said:


> *If you're like me, you don't get over it! Especially when it's an unrepentant act! And it's happened to me twice!
> 
> Makes me greatly fear letting myself anywhere close to another woman again, no matter how innocent she is!
> 
> The trust factor is shot, but that's just me! And I'm almost positive that God will kick my a$$ for my behavioral fear, all in the due course of time!*


I don't think I could get over it either. I completely understand your fear xx


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Thank you for all your supporting words, I am going to action on how I feel and the fact that I have accepted these things and I will no longer continue to do so. 
It is breaking me and I cannot be broken entirely for myself and for my children. 
I have given him chances and hoped for the best the way I see it is I should have to scare a person or give them a big ultimatum or consequence to learn. It should be within you and be a want provoked by ones self. 
That is not happening, so I’ve decided to speak with a family member, find out my options and make a plan from there. 

Thank you for clarifying that it’s not just me and it’s not all in my head and I infant do deserve better treatment than that’s

Thanks again


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dees said:


> Thank you for all your supporting words, I am going to action on how I feel and the fact that I have accepted these things and I will no longer continue to do so.
> It is breaking me and I cannot be broken entirely for myself and for my children.
> I have given him chances and hoped for the best the way I see it is I should have to scare a person or give them a big ultimatum or consequence to learn. It should be within you and be a want provoked by ones self.
> That is not happening, so I’ve decided to speak with a family member, find out my options and make a plan from there.
> ...


You are thinking about it all wrong. You need to re-frame it. You are getting stronger. Like lifting weights you feel pain but every day you grow stronger and stronger. You are not being broken you are becoming better, healthier. Learning to expect more and have a better life. When you get through this you will know that no matter what happens you can survive. So next time you will have less fear. 

Keep moving forward with strength, in the end you will look back on this with sadness but also with pride. YOU CAN DO THIS!

If you are feeling down post on here an we will help you.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

I am sorry, I couldn't read back your whole story if I am mis judging anything just ignore it.

You never get over infidelity. Don't hide it, don't feel guilty about it.

Infidelity is one of the worst kind of damage one can inflict on their family. Your husband did it. 

After my X left our home, me and my kids, I still tried to keep her around our kids as much as possible. I basically kept her around as an accessory mother since she couldn't do any better.

My daughter was 3 and my son was 5 years old when it happened, they desperately needed their mother.

Form a new relationship with your husband which suits your kids needs best but never take him back in any form or shape as your husband or lover.

It is basically, strictly business in between you and your STBXH, now on.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

SweetAndSour said:


> I am sorry, I couldn't read back your whole story if I am mis judging anything just ignore it.
> 
> You never get over infidelity. Don't hide it, don't feel guilty about it.
> 
> ...


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

You are completely right - that’s what I feel bit at times feel the other way also. 
But ultimately I know I’m getting stronger every second!


----------



## bluelily (Jul 10, 2018)

Depends on the person, some can and some can't.
For those who can't, staying will only create an unhealthy relationship and bitterness which is fair because infidelity is a dealbreaker.


----------



## JoannaG (Apr 19, 2016)

It’s been 3.5 years since my husband’s affair, and I can honestly say that I’m over it. And it was an ugly one where he was in love and they were going to run off together. 🙄 Time really does help.


----------



## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Dees said:


> Please read my previous post for background; I feel helpless and I need strength to make anything happen.
> 
> Those who have been through divorce and separation how did that work for you?
> 
> ...


I read your other thread that you are in another country? With 3 small children please be careful and have a plan so that you don't get stuck with no money in case he gets angry and decides to move out. I know you mentioned you cannot support yourself there and that you need to ho back home.

Find out what the process would be first or you could find yourself in a BIG mess with your 3 kids. This is a sticky situation and you want to be sure your kids will be provided for before making a move. Do the laws over there protect you? If you go back to your home country will the long arm of the law in your country be able to not only mandate bu actually deliver on collecting financial support from your husband? 

I have no clue but I do know some women who wound up in dire straits because they expected the law and the courts to protect them and it didn't. 

I'm not by any means saying don't leave just make sure you will have protection and provision


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

JoannaG said:


> It’s been 3.5 years since my husband’s affair, and I can honestly say that I’m over it. And it was an ugly one where he was in love and they were going to run off together. 🙄 Time really does help.


I would love to hear more from you. I know it’s different for each person, but when did you feel like you eventually got over the situation etc. how did you both repair and move on together. 
Was he remorseful etc.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

thefam said:


> Dees said:
> 
> 
> > Please read my previous post for background; I feel helpless and I need strength to make anything happen.
> ...


I would most definitely have to move back home. Over there I have the support I would need! 

Definitely making a concrete plan and one that makes sense before I make any solid moves. 

As I’m not alone and have kids who depend on me I have to be knowledgeable before acting out on my emotions. 

Thank you for the highlight though


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dees said:


> Thank you for all your supporting words, I am going to action on how I feel and the fact that I have accepted these things and I will no longer continue to do so.
> It is breaking me and I cannot be broken entirely for myself and for my children.
> I have given him chances and hoped for the best the way I see it is I should have to scare a person or give them a big ultimatum or consequence to learn. It should be within you and be a want provoked by ones self.
> That is not happening, so I’ve decided to speak with a family member, find out my options and make a plan from there.
> ...


Dees, go see a lawyer as to what your options are
Do the 180 on him. What is he still doing that upsets you? Is he still cheating?
Tell him to get out but make sure he is supporting his kids
Do you have a job, education?
Stop giving him chances, the more you give him the more he knows he can walk all over you. Stop having kids with him too.
Go and get counselling for yourself because you need to build self esteem so that you are able to set boundaries for him not to cross
You have to model a healthy person to your kids, if you let this continue, you will become a wreck. 
What has WH done to help you get over his cheating?


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Dees, listen to Aine. Start ytour hard 180 right now. It will empower you!


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Dees,

If I understand your previous posts correctly;

1.You, your husband and your children are citizens of USA.

2.You, your husband and your children are currently residents of a country other than USA.

Do either you or your husband also have citizenship of the country which you are residing now ?

Your first priority should be taking yourself and your kids back to USA before any legal attempt towards divorce.

If necessary do it even before 180, don't give him any clues. 

If it is OK to answer, which country is it ?


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Dees said:


> Thank you for all your supporting words, I am going to action on how I feel and the fact that I have accepted these things and I will no longer continue to do so.
> It is breaking me and I cannot be broken entirely for myself and for my children.
> I have given him chances and hoped for the best the way I see it is I should have to* scare a person or give them a big ultimatum or consequence to learn*. It should be within you and be a want provoked by ones self.
> That is not happening, so I’ve decided to speak with a family member, find out my options and make a plan from there.
> ...


Some people only do things that make themselves feel good, and don't care about how others feel. Others are able to manage their own behavior considering also how others feel.

It sounds like your husband is the former. He does whatever makes himself feel good. If it doesn't make him feel good, he won't do it.

What really matters is how YOU feel. When you establish boundaries of what you will tolerate, and are willing to let your husband go if he oversteps those boundaries which results in causing you pain, you won't consider your boundaries threats, but unconditional needs that must be met for your well being and protection.

When he realizes that he is guaranteed to lose you because you are looking out for your own needs (protecting yourself from being further hurt by him by getting him out of your life) he may or may not change. It would be nice and easier if he changes, but even if he doesn't you need to make decisions and take action so you will be happy and sane.

You have to be able to lose the marriage to save it. In your case, you need to put your happiness over your marriage, since your husband is continuing to hurt you.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Dees said:


> You live separately I’m guessing? What do you tell the children? How did it end up working or you.
> How did you deal with her still around.


I fished your question out of your previous post, quoting what I said.

We live separately, we are divorced, she has gone five years ago.

I tell the children, mommy and daddy loves them no matter what. This is important.

About having her around, I can tell you what a Sl*t, wh*re, low life she is whole day long if it was only me but I grew a tick skin, It works fine for me as long as it makes it better for my children.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Apologies for my late response.. I have not done anything in terms of action just yet and still processing/thinking within my mind whilst doing some research in terms of options. 
We seem to be in a good space right now except I find my mind can be so intrusive and random at times. I have noticed I have so many triggers. I can’t watch movies or listen to music comfortably anymore unless instrumental. There’s always something or a subject matter that takes me back to that. 
space. 
How did you guys or do you guys deal with the intrusive thoughts a 
I still have questions coming to mind and I really can’t control most of it - it comes in so randomly sometimes.. 
what can I do for this to stop! I feel so angry today. I just want to be over this whole thing but I still find myself asking WHY! 
Have I still not accepted it? 
Oh gosh, why do some human beings do this to others I couldn’t ever imagine inflicting this pain on somebody else!!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dees said:


> Apologies for my late response.. I have not done anything in terms of action just yet and still processing/thinking within my mind whilst doing some research in terms of options.
> We seem to be in a good space right now except I find my mind can be so intrusive and random at times. I have noticed I have so many triggers. I can’t watch movies or listen to music comfortably anymore unless instrumental. There’s always something or a subject matter that takes me back to that.
> space.
> How did you guys or do you guys deal with the intrusive thoughts a
> ...


Maybe it's a deal breaker. It would be for me and many others. You only get one life. Generally people who cheat are awful people at least at the time of their cheating, that doesn't change overnight. Most of the time it doesn't change at all so it's real hard to be married to them.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Dees said:


> Apologies for my late response.. I have not done anything in terms of action just yet and still processing/thinking within my mind whilst doing some research in terms of options.
> We seem to be in a good space right now except I find my mind can be so intrusive and random at times. I have noticed I have so many triggers. I can’t watch movies or listen to music comfortably anymore unless instrumental. There’s always something or a subject matter that takes me back to that.
> space.
> How did you guys or do you guys deal with the intrusive thoughts a
> ...


How much is your wayward actually helping you get through this. Is he answering all her questions without reservation? 

IS he absolutely aware of just how devastated, angry and everything else that his infidelity has caused? 

I ask because you pretty much have ti rebuild your marriage from scratch to get past this.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Dees said:
> 
> 
> > Apologies for my late response.. I have not done anything in terms of action just yet and still processing/thinking within my mind whilst doing some research in terms of options.
> ...



I honestly don’t know - I’m sitting here; brain is sore and numb - I want out but I don’t at the same time - but surely I can’t live like this forever..


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Dees said:
> 
> 
> > Apologies for my late response.. I have not done anything in terms of action just yet and still processing/thinking within my mind whilst doing some research in terms of options.
> ...


He doesn’t see the point in counseling - I’ve tried to talk about how I’m feeling recently and he ends up falling asleep during the conversations and briefly picks it up the next morning before work. 
Today he knows I’m feeling angry - he brought home flowers and tried to carry on as normal but I couldn’t and he has not attempted to come and speak with me. 
I know he wants to move on and leave the past behind but it’s not as easy for me. My body and mind keeps fighting it. I feel like there’s more for me to know or like I’m just stupid and naive and really should not be in this relationship anymore and so what is it I’m waiting for? Because even after the emotional affair and the oral with the other woman he’s lied to me about somebody else I was not keen on. So clearly I’m the stupid one. 
My poor children - it kills me, I see them so happy. Family is everything to my children. Without one of us will break them.
I did not imagine this being my life


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Has anyone really gotten over something like this? 

’m a strong person I can not take this anymore and it’s tormenting my mind I don’t even want to talk about this to him or anyone having to re-talk or rethink about it makes me so angry! Why am I still talking about these women!! I hate everything about it


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Are you talking to a counselor? If not, find one and start going! Please


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Dees said:


> He doesn’t see the point in counseling - I’ve tried to talk about how I’m feeling recently and he ends up falling asleep during the conversations and briefly picks it up the next morning before work.
> Today he knows I’m feeling angry - he brought home flowers and tried to carry on as normal but I couldn’t and he has not attempted to come and speak with me.
> I know he wants to move on and leave the past behind but it’s not as easy for me. My body and mind keeps fighting it. I feel like there’s more for me to know or like I’m just stupid and naive and really should not be in this relationship anymore and so what is it I’m waiting for? Because even after the emotional affair and the oral with the other woman he’s lied to me about somebody else I was not keen on. So clearly I’m the stupid one.
> My poor children - it kills me, I see them so happy. Family is everything to my children. Without one of us will break them.
> I did not imagine this being my life


He doesn’t see the point in counseling - Not his decision, that is a gift from you to stay in the marriage. No counselling, Fine, Decision easier, - leave him. 

falls asleep- Leave him 

You are angry but he replies on his schedule AFTER cheating - leave him . 

He wants to move on while you are devastated and he sleeps - Leave him 

I see you as a woman who is passionately in love with her husband but has been betrayed and your common sense is telling you he is not who he says he is - and you are struggling with that. You want to believe it. But quite frankly he has fallen short. He lies ( the ORAL part) and continues to lie. Honestly from what you have written he is nowhere near reconciliation material. He should be kissing the ground you walk on trying to save his marriage. But he sleeps. Leave him. 

Your children will be fine. Don't stay in a marriage with him because you think a broken home is worse. It is not. Be the bigger person and just tell him clearly there are things he wants from other people that you cannot provide. When He squawks tell him then did why did you cheat?. When he gives you a stupid answer just tell hi hey, no hard feelings, but I just cannot get over you cheated. You know the rules. Bye. 

He made his bed. Now he can sleep in it


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Dees said:


> Has anyone really gotten over something like this?
> 
> ’m a strong person I can not take this anymore and it’s tormenting my mind I don’t even want to talk about this to him or anyone having to re-talk or rethink about it makes me so angry! Why am I still talking about these women!! I hate everything about it


I got over it,but it’s not like it never happened. It’s like I found a way to make peace with it.

I just worked through my demons one by one. Stuck with it, and rebuilt the good things in the relationship.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

I did last year but then stopped due to relocation - will find another and go


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Dees said:
> 
> 
> > He doesn’t see the point in counseling - I’ve tried to talk about how I’m feeling recently and he ends up falling asleep during the conversations and briefly picks it up the next morning before work.
> ...


You’re right I know you’re right I have no counteract to anything you said.

The oral he told me about. 
It’s the amp other lady I thought he was having an emotional relationship well what I would class as one that he lied about. (Went out with her and didnt tell me - then after conversations etc he still went out with her to a bar - non work related)


So yes I know your right and it’s my common sense that’s fighting it and making it conscious for me to think about like ALL the time!


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Wazza said:


> Dees said:
> 
> 
> > Has anyone really gotten over something like this?
> ...


How did you get over it?


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Dees

From my perspective I see fear, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to fear, but fear cannot be how you live your life. Your husband is what I would call a real piece of work, one who should have stayed single, marriage he has no clue about. When I say no clue, I’m saying he is about as stupid as they come. You may feel I’m being harsh, I’m not, I’m simply pointing out that his idea of marriage, counseling, and forgetting it happened, will only make this much worse. Furthermore, he has not been able to even figure out how the above will affect him, much less have any idea what it has done to you. I don’t see regret at all, remorse isn’t even in his world yet and that is what he needs to come to. I can’t even say if it ever will be felt by him. 

Reconciliation has no chance right now, he has to own his crap and want to become a healthier person and spouse. I don’t see it in your posts at all. Bought flowers, wow, what a great guy (insert sarcasm). Does he really know why he gave you flowers? To reconcile you will need a therapist, I recommend someone who has experience in infidelity. All the time in the world won’t help you right now, because you haven’t even begun to heal yet. How can you when he continues his behavior and shoots down counseling as it’s a waste. Again, great guy!

You say the kids look up to him and family is everything, yet I wonder why you want them around him. Being a good father is more then good intentions, it’s about teaching one how to be the best they can be. It’s about living your life the same as you teach your kids, that your word is honest and committed. By that I mean your word is truth, no deception. So I see him as a terrible role model and father, one who cheats and lies his way through life. You really want your kids around that type of person?

You must gain strength, strength you never thought you had to get through this. You need to claim your life back and become healthier yourself. Right now you are the only role model to your children, you are the only teacher to them. Your kids will come to terms with a divorce, you can also have them go to counseling if needed. Staying to keep your family together or for the kids is not a good reason, your kids may just resent you if you do. 

Your first course of action is a lawyer, find out the paths available to you. Next, form a plan as to what you want and need to move forward. Now you can sit your husband down and tell him your plan. Any refusal to do any of your plan and you tell him you will now see a lawyer. This is your husbands last option, there is no other way, and his commitment must be the best he can do. This means he answers any and all questions with truth, no matter how damning. These are the first few steps in your healing Dees, steps that should have been done some time ago by your husband.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

drifting on said:


> Dees
> 
> From my perspective I see fear, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to fear, but fear cannot be how you live your life. Your husband is what I would call a real piece of work, one who should have stayed single, marriage he has no clue about. When I say no clue, I’m saying he is about as stupid as they come. You may feel I’m being harsh, I’m not, I’m simply pointing out that his idea of marriage, counseling, and forgetting it happened, will only make this much worse. Furthermore, he has not been able to even figure out how the above will affect him, much less have any idea what it has done to you. I don’t see regret at all, remorse isn’t even in his world yet and that is what he needs to come to. I can’t even say if it ever will be felt by him.
> 
> ...



How can you judge ones remorsefulness? Because that is one of the things that I feel. I feel I have not seen that from him yet. But how do I identify that? 
That might sound like a stupid question.
It’s so strange because he once said he knows for sure like 100% that he wouldn’t do anything of the kind for the next five years. How am I meant to process that? 
I feel I have been the one who has made all the effort since this whole thing happened. 
The emotional affair that happened months later a month before our first year anniversary is when the sexual (oral) encounter happened with the other lady. How - after the first person? 
He’s working on boundaries and we both know his were all over the place before and he has definitely come a long way(not excusing anything) but improvement has been made. 
He always says I see it wrong and that he is infact a lonely person and that I should look at all the incidents and he’s not proud of them at all but ultimately he’s a lonely person - which I don’t completely understand. And I suppose his way to feel not lonely is to encounter in these relationahips? But I’m here? 

Am I wasting my time trying to understand it all? It’s in my personality to want to know why. 

He recognized that what has happened in the past is 100% his fault and takes full responsibility and says he’s been wired one way all his life and is now trying to rewire and it might be common sense for me it isn’t for him. 

Other than this side of him he his a great dad and does provide etc - I can’t fault him on that but I completely understand what your saying and ultimately it’s not a Role model you want for your children. I have expressed to him I want none of his qualities regarding these weakness with women to ever develop in my boys. 

Your right I need a plan - I don’t know what where to begin. Seeing the counselor was great but felt like again I was the only one trying to repair something I never destroyed? 

I would spend hours researching reading seeing the counselor trying to figure out everything I would bring research back play videos etc and he would most of the time end up falling asleep. I noticed there was no burning desire for him the same that I had and I was never the one who messed up? 

Clearly I need my own sort of help.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dees said:


> He doesn’t see the point in counseling - I’ve tried to talk about how I’m feeling recently and he ends up falling asleep during the conversations and briefly picks it up the next morning before work.
> Today he knows I’m feeling angry - he brought home flowers and tried to carry on as normal but I couldn’t and he has not attempted to come and speak with me.
> I know he wants to move on and leave the past behind but it’s not as easy for me. My body and mind keeps fighting it. I feel like there’s more for me to know or like I’m just stupid and naive and really should not be in this relationship anymore and so what is it I’m waiting for? Because even after the emotional affair and the oral with the other woman he’s lied to me about somebody else I was not keen on. So clearly I’m the stupid one.
> My poor children - it kills me, I see them so happy. Family is everything to my children. Without one of us will break them.
> I did not imagine this being my life


Say that you want marriage counselling or the marriage is over. Don't let him control what happens. He should be doing all that he can to regain the trust that he shattered.


----------



## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

I got over the infidelity by getting divorced. Best decision I made. Found someone new who knows boundaries.


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Txquail said:


> I got over the infidelity by getting divorced. Best decision I made. Found someone new who knows boundaries.


Did you get to that decision from the get go?


----------



## Dees (Jul 9, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Dees said:
> 
> 
> > He doesn’t see the point in counseling - I’ve tried to talk about how I’m feeling recently and he ends up falling asleep during the conversations and briefly picks it up the next morning before work.
> ...


I’m going to throw that in tonight and see what happens


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dees said:


> Has anyone really gotten over something like this?
> 
> ’m a strong person I can not take this anymore and it’s tormenting my mind I don’t even want to talk about this to him or anyone having to re-talk or rethink about it makes me so angry! Why am I still talking about these women!! I hate everything about it


Your kids will be fine if you decide to divorce. All you have to do is love them. You said you would move back home for help. If this is the case then your kids will have no problems. 

Some people are just wired to where they can never get over this. I’m willing to bet if you look closely at what your feeling, your not in love with your husband anymore. 

The other concern is that your H is wanting to rug sweep it. He doesn’t see the need for counseling to fix him and the relationship. Maybe moving back home and filling for divorce will rattle his cage and make him understand what he has done.


----------



## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Dees said:


> Txquail said:
> 
> 
> > I got over the infidelity by getting divorced. Best decision I made. Found someone new who knows boundaries.
> ...


Yes I did.

I will never be Plan B to anyone.

This is what I did.

D-Day

- Got on her computer and saw a email. Went searching ... found pics, vids etc.. Downloaded it all to a Disc (back in the day)

- Called other betrayed spouse and told her what I found. She agreed to meet me at a restaraunt to see my evidence. She brought his laptop.

- After comparing data she was heart broken and called her husband to come to the restaurant. When he arrived he saw me and went to tears. (I thought we may fight but hes s coward). She made him call my wife to end it. He did so on speaker phone and basically told my ***** he lied to here just to see if he could get into her pants as a challenge. He was tired of her and he was going to send the pics, videos and emails to me to show how big of a **** she was. He hung up. (My phone immediately exploded)

- I took all the evidence to their work, gave it to his boss and their HR. Guess having sex on his desk at work was a nono as they both got fired the next dat.

- Sent all the evidence to my *****s parents, friends and anyone else who I knew she talked to.

- Filed divorce with Adultry as the reason. In PA its a fault state. She begged me not to go through with it. I did anyway. Divorce awarded in my favor and I was awarded 80% of assets and spousal support for 2 years at 200 a month. (I made more than her). 

I was not going to live with someone who cheats on me. I do not like having my life threatened. She could have gotten HIV, herpes, HPV or any number of STDs and brought it to me.

After the divorce she pleaded with me to give her another chance. I said no and moved 1500 miles away. Found a new loyal honest girl and have been happy ever since.

I dont support cheaters at all. Cheat once and I divorce. My new wife knows this. She does not lock her phone, gives me access to everything etc. I in turn do the same. She also understands my opinion that men and women cant be just friends. I will never ever hear we are just friends again or it just happened. Hell even my current wife said that all her past male friends wanted more and I said thats why I dont believe men and women can be just friends. (She has no male friends and I have no female friends). We have couples as friends but we are never one on one with members of opposite sex.

Sorry for the rant.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

@Dees - your husband is actually giving you a big gift right now. His poor attitude and lack of willingness to do concrete actions to help you recover show he's far less concerned about your healing than he is about himself, and is a true testament to his lack of remorse. That's why this isn't getting better for you and why you're struggling so much. The best thing you can do is believe his actions to be a true reflection of himself and decide if you really want to be with someone like him. My ex-wife also had a lack of remorse and was very upfront about it (she actually told me she'd rather be with the other guy than me but since he wouldn't leave his wife she was willing to try to work things out with me :rofl: ), which was a big gift to me because I knew there was no point in even offering reconciliation. Please try to stand up for yourself and your best interests because no one else is going to do it for you and you have to live with whatever consequences happed from your decisions.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dees said:


> How can you judge ones remorsefulness? Because that is one of the things that I feel. I feel I have not seen that from him yet. But how do I identify that? When he is on his knees seeking your forgiveness and promising to pull out all the stops to help you get past what he did. Remember he didn't just cheat once, but a few times and then announces he wont do it again for at least 5 years! wow, he has absolutely no respect for you and that is because you gave him no consequenves, you are probably still having sex with him. You showed him he could treat you like dirt and you would still be there, you took no action, no lawyer, no 180 nothing, but went back into the relationship. He can have his cake and eat it no problems
> That might sound like a stupid question.
> It’s so strange because he once said he knows for sure like 100% that he wouldn’t do anything of the kind for the next five years. How am I meant to process that? You are meant to tell him that you are worth much more than that and you want a divorce. You will not be married to a pig who thinks he can do whatever he wants. It's as if he thinks you should be greatful that he wont commit adultery for a period of time. Mind you his word means nothing, he is a dispicable person whose word means ****!
> I feel I have been the one who has made all the effort since this whole thing happened. Exactly, why are you? Even if you divorce, he still has to support the kids. If you are on a spouse visa in the country, he would still have to honor that. You could ask for a separation but he still has to be a father
> ...


 Clearly you are not really listening to the posters on TAM


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> He doesn’t see the point in counseling - Not his decision, that is a gift from you to stay in the marriage.


It's really not a 'gift.' Most times, it's just the BS wanting to stay with their cheater because they don't want to lose the life they have, which is completely understandable. But a BS staying is usually always because they WANT to, not because they want to 'gift' their cheater for screwing them over. I'm just being realistic.

Dees, he's shown you exactly how *LITTLE *he cares for your 'gift' of reconciliation. 

Telling you that he HAS to do this and he HAS to do that in order to reconcile is ridiculous when you think about it. Telling him he HAS to go to marriage counseling (which isn't even what you need right now) is equally ridiculous. I mean, if you _have_ to treat him like a 10 year old kid by giving him an ultimatum - that he has to go to therapy or he'll be 'punished' with a divorce - doesn't that tell you all you need to know? If he gave a rat's ass about fixing this and about your pain, you wouldn't need to 'make' him do anything. He'd be jumping at the chance to do whatever he can. He's NOT.

As another poster said, he's given you a gift - the gift of *transparency*. Every day he shows you exactly how little he really cares. Stop trying to make him do the right thing because he obviously doesn't want to do it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dees said:


> I would spend hours researching reading seeing the counselor trying to figure out everything I would bring research back play videos etc and he would most of the time end up falling asleep. I noticed there was no burning desire for him the same that I had and I was never the one who messed up?
> 
> Clearly I need my own sort of help.


To be honest, this right here is all you need, this shows he has zero remorse and you will never have a successful R. He is not trying, he is not appreciating your gift of R. As for your thread title question of getting over it... many of us cant. Period. And that's perfectly ok. You can end this knowing that you really did try, and he did not, even though HE was the one who should have been making the effort all along. He doesn't care what this has done to you.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Dees said:


> It’s been over a year now and I’m still not totally over it - better but not 100% but he still continues to do things that upset me


there are some who "get over it"....although I don't think they EVER forget.

the two things that help the most are TIME and a repentant spouse who works their rear off to regain your trust.

you said he does things that "upset" you. sad to say...this will ALWAYS be the case...even in relationship that don't have cheating involved. the question is......these things that upset you.....are they things that cause a loss of trust? or are they petty things that are "normal" in any relationship. I ask this because I have read many threads here where an injured spouse gets the idea (although I doubt they actually realize it) that in their R process.....they expect to be treated like royalty because of the wrong they have endured. can you elaborate more on what these hurtful things he does?

For me.....I went back home to give R a shot...….but all it took was a few weeks with my now X to realize the behavior that led to her affair wasn't going to change. I doubt she would have cheated again.....but the selfish victim mentality that she had would never change and I wasn't going to live with that.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Dees, no matter what your husband had done to repent, change, make it up to you, etc. you would still have triggers and be hurt..

The problem now is that your husband is callous to the actual pain he has caused you, and he doesn't want to deal with your pain, or himself. He wants to sweep it all under the rug and go about business as usual.

You won't be able to change him, you just have to face reality with him or decide that you don't want to live that way.

His statement that you don't understand the affairs the right way, because he is just a lonely person is bull****. I'm sure you have also been lonely, but you know you have made vows to him, so you suffered in your loneliness....ALONE! You didn't find someone to take your mind off your loneliness. Mature people know how to handle loneliness. They write a letter, pray, get busy with their work, listen to music, journal, visit a same sex friend, etc. Immature baby men have affairs whether ONS or long term. Simple.

What may strengthen you is to ask yourself, do you want to be feeling this way in 10 years from now, then 15, then 20, etc. because the man-boy either gets "lonely" again, or gets addicted to porn or something else instead of building an open, honest, mutually supportive marriage with you? Guaranteed that you will be feeling the same frustration with him in 3, 5, 10, 20 etc. years because he has not changed or learned how to openly communicate, or listen to your heart and needs.

A good book to read is After the Affair. Tell your husband to read it too. He will refuse. You can give yourself permission to move on without him.

Learn your rights. Start making plans. It is just one step at a time. Your family will support your decision and help you. Lean on them too.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Its 1000000000000x easier getting over it if you divorce. The biggest trigger of them all is your spouse. When they are out of the picture, aside from co-parenting, it goes away fast. A few month, a year maybe and you bounce back. No contact plus distance does wonders. Its that simple. If you reconcile or attempt it, it could take a lot longer!


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's really not a 'gift.' Most times, it's just the BS wanting to stay with their cheater because they don't want to lose the life they have, which is completely understandable. But a BS staying is usually always because they WANT to, not because they want to 'gift' their cheater for screwing them over. I'm just being realistic.


So true.

Half the time it doesn't seem like a marriage anymore just some kind of painful purgatory. It's like the marriage is a dead body and the people in the marriage don't want to bury it, so they just stay in the room with a rotting corpse asking, "why doesn't this thing start breathing again, why does it keep smelling so bad."


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dees said:


> I honestly don’t know - I’m sitting here; brain is sore and numb - I want out but I don’t at the same time - but surely I can’t live like this forever..


You are never going to get better as long as you see your husband as the key to your happiness. You need to really have an honest assessment of who he is, who you are, and what the best of your marriage can be. If you stay married to this guy there is always going to be infidelity in it's history and he is always going to be a person who betrayed you terribly. That can't change and it won't. Trying to work to change that is only going to fail and make you miserable. 

You have to accept that this is your history and this is who he is. Then decide if you can live with that. But also decide do you WANT to live with that or do you think you can do better. 

Look I have been reading here and other places for a while and there are only a few end-games I see from this.

The kind of people that completely rug-sweep and are basically in the marriage for the marriages sake but are not really realistic about their life or who they are married to. Most of those people are doomed to fail, and don't even realize how much danger they are in. Their spouse is just one meeting away from totally abandoning them. Or doing any other manner of destructive thing. These situations in my opinion seems to have people who have a history of abuse in their life or have some sort of mental condition that causes them to get stuck in a very abusive dynamic. When these people post many times it feels more like posting for attention then anything else as they have no intention changing their lives. I suspect they actually like them in some way or at least they feel safe in them. 

The kind that are paralyzed by fear and are willing to stay because of it. They may say they are staying for love but lots of them spend big portions of their emotional energy complaining about their spouse and how their marriage is not getting better. Basically how much pain they are in, but the truth is until they change their circumstances it's not going to get better. Almost all of their posts can be answered by saying "What do you think was going to happen? You have been and continue to be married to an *******!" This is the life they have chosen. (I worry this is you. That is a real hell to live in, and a terrible way to waste your life). 

Those who basically tune out of their marriage and their spouse. They make something else the primary focus of their lives and put all their passion into that thing. This enables them to no longer care if their marriage sucks because they really don't care about the marriage or their spouse anymore. Often times they talk about having little or no respect for their spouse and sometimes there is the toothless threat that if the spouse ever cheat again THIS TIME they would be gone. I am never really sure why it takes it happening 2 times to make it worth leaving. In my mind betrayal is betrayal it can't get worse by volume cause it's already as bad as it can be. Usually they stay because religion, cultural norms, money, or family circumstances stop them or often conspire to keep them trapped in the marriage. This seems very sad, but sometimes it's the only livable solution. It's still better then the one were you waste energy on an *******. 

Then you have people who are married to someone like MRS. J Adams. People like her seems very sincere in their shame and desire to never cheat again. They get it but part of getting it is owning up to the fact that infidelity is a part of their life now and a part of their marriage. Understanding that and being very mindful about it is a big part of their new marriage dynamic (and make no mistake it's always a New Marriage.) This is probably mostly what keeps this marriage surviving. It acts as kind of an antacid to the heartburn that the infidelity brings to the cheated spouses daily life. That is the kind of spouse you need I think if you even have a chance to survive. Even then most will tell you it's can be a hard life. For some even this would just not be enough. I personally don't want a marriage where a big part of it is about infidelity, and I don't want a spouse who has to spend their whole life trying to make up to me something they should have never done in the first place. That doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic anyway, I want an equal partner who we can look at each other directly in the eyes. (Even still this doesn't sound like this is your husband anyway.)

It seems to me many folks in the beginning think that if they just work hard enough they are going to somehow get back the marriage they had before they were cheated on. But the truth is that is not possible because they and the person who they married are now two very different people. They both have gone through a life changing event. They have lost their innocence, and there spouse is no longer innocent. Part of the pain I think is coming to terms with who you are married to and what that means for your life and for the deal you have made around them. Thing is it has to be a new marriage because they are new people. Eventually everyone gets this and they choose to move on to some of the other scenario's I described here.

Finally you have the folks who realize that this is just a deal breaker for them. At least for me I know that if my wife cheated on me her presence would lose most of the value it brings to my life. In fact her very presence in the end would stop from being a source of joy in my life and become a source of pain. There is much more I could say on being married to someone like this but I think what I said is enough. I also know from my experience of being cheated on before that once you kill the love you feel for someone who cheats on you that the pain goes away. The thing that gives the infidelity it's pain and it's power is the love. But like I said you can kill that, it just takes looking at the situation and who you are married to honestly. Like I said, this person is now a source of pain not joy. You can't relive history and the joy you once felt with them happened already, it is not present anymore. But on a good note you personally had those times and you can look back on them as good times for you even if who you had them with turned out to be a jerk. It's strange but without the love then the experiences really becomes more about the events but not the people so strangely enough the memories are not so tainted. It doesn't all seem like a waste, or as much as a waste. For people like this and in my case, life went on after I left, there are great joys, and still pain but the purgatory of being stuck in a life I didn't choose, without any agency is gone, and that really was the worst. 

It needs to be said though, with the worst or even the best picture I paint you are still in danger of having it all happen again, and I think in more danger. I say that because I believe infidelity happens in the end because of a lack of character. The cheating spouse cheats because of something in their nature allows them to do so. Not everyone has that and yes it's true you can't really know for sure if who you are married is the type of person who can cheat. So yes you are always in some danger. But you DO know for sure with these people because they already have. "I'm Sorry" is not a reason to take them back just a requirement to consider taking them back. They will still need to work very hard to learn their nature and change it or at least control it. I think very few have this in them. Again it is a risk and a serious one. 

Thing is I know that there are many, many people I could fall in love with and who would love me. Then it would just be a question of does this person have what it takes to hold on to my love. See that is the thing, my love is a gift, you need to work for it. I am always the prize in my mind, right now my wife is a prize to me too, but her being so doesn't take away my worth. If she shows me she doesn't want me anymore by her actions then someone else will. 

Most of all you need to get to the place I wrote in my last paragraph. Quit trying to fix your marriage and get there. Get to the place where you know YOU are the prize and the rest will fix itself. At that point it will become "What is the quality of my life and is being with this person worth it."

What is the quality of your life @Dees?


----------

