# run or stay?



## milkyway (Dec 15, 2007)

hey guys!

ive been with this guy for almost like a year now and though we are soon to get married, recently i find myself confused and unhappy about the situation i am in. 

he and i have always had issues such as differences in the way we have been raised and brought up on top of religious differences. its like we are 2 worlds apart. 

most of the times hes the sweetest and most caring guy ive been with. hes showered me with so many gifts, compliments etc and at times hes made me the happiest girl in the world. and here comes 'BUT'. 

he changes into a completely different person when hes angry/upset. hes pushed me away, almost suffocated me, yelled at me like a shooting gun, called me names etc. 
seems to me like he cant control his feelings...

the reason why ive been with him so far is because of the way he has treated me all this time(he treats me like im a princess well, when hes not mad anyway) and my feelings for him, but 
im not sure if i can be with him forever.

theres so many changes i have to make if i was to be his wife and id literally have to give up on everything like pretty dresses, alcohol etc. im a free-spirited person in nature and dunno if im cut out for it...

i told him i needed time to think it through and it would be a bad idea to just go ahead with marriage, but hes kept telling me that hes waited long enough for me and cant wait any longer. 

my gut feelings are telling me dont do it, but i dont wanna be the one to hurt him and screw up his life knowing how much hes been through in his life and how sensitive he is... 

any advice?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like you are confused in your post.

Is the real issue you just don't want to settle down because you'd have to give up drinking & nice clothes or because there is something about him that gives you red flags?

At the heart of the matter is you have to do what is right for you right now otherwise if you marry him just to keep him you will always hold it against him. Tell him gentle that the two of you want different things and let him go find some girl that wants and deserves to get married to a guy that will treat her like a princess. It is unfair to do anything else.

draconis


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## Mysti (Dec 16, 2007)

You should tell him how you feel about everything. Get all of your feelings out on the table especially about the way he treats you when he is angry. 

it seems like you've already made up your mind though. Maybe you guys we be better off just being friends. 

I hope this helps.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I am a firm believer in going with your gut instinct. I would love to say that things would work out in the end but you are looking at some big differences. They really need to be worked through before getting married. Good luck to you.


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## Delphi (Nov 28, 2007)

I think your instincts are spot on. It's easy enough to be all sugar and spice when things are going well - the real personality shows itself when things are difficult. This Jekyll and Hyde thing is a bad sign. Don't go into a doubtful marriage because you are afraid of hurting his feelings. Your future, your life and happiness are at stake. The following links might be helpful:

Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential) | Abuse
Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential) | Relationship stress
Ultimate Self (realizing personal potential) | Identifying Mr or Ms Wrong


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

milkyway said:


> hey guys!
> 
> ive been with this guy for almost like a year now and though we are soon to get married, recently i find myself confused and unhappy about the situation i am in.
> 
> ...


Run, run, run away...as fast as you can. This man is an abusive controlling individual who will suck you dry of all your free will and try to turn you into a mindless woman who will bow to his command. Do not give him the opportunity! Yes, of course he treats you like a princess...when you do as he wants. That's a typical trait of abusive men, but when you don't do as he wants he turns into the monster. Do not let the monster eat you up.


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## Mumofthree (Dec 26, 2007)

I would definitely get out of the relationship now! Don't marry him, you'll regret it forever!
Abusive men never change and usually only get worse once they have that ring on your finger. You think he's controlling now....
Good luck and do whats right for you, I think you already know what that is


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I wonder if the poster still comes to the forum? I would love to find out what you ended up doing? I really hope that you came to see that leaving was the best thing for you or at least not to have gotten married.


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## Mesoc (Dec 31, 2007)

Mysti said:


> You should tell him how you feel about everything. Get all of your feelings out on the table especially about the way he treats you when he is angry.
> 
> it seems like you've already made up your mind though. Maybe you guys we be better off just being friends.
> 
> I hope this helps.


Well said.

Don't keep feelings and thoughts bottled up, especially before making a major decision. Sounds like you 2 would make a great couple, just be honest with each other :smthumbup:


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## milkyway (Dec 15, 2007)

thanks guys for all the advice 
and special thanks to Delphi for the links!

well after taking some time apart, i told him i cant do this anymore. 
now hes telling me how we were meant to be together and how much we will regret it if we wont try one last time. and he looks as though hes so desperate...

i understand what hes saying, but im just sooooo tired of this whole thing. maybe we were meant to be together or maybe not. but i believe if we truly were, we would somehow find each other in the future. as of right now, im not strong enough to be with him anymore but he never gets it.

how can i break up with him w/o hurting him?
i really need to be alone now


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

Get out of the relationship. I don´t think he´ll change, to the contrary things would get worse. If I were you, I would tell him that I´m confused and probably I´m a lesbian so I can´t be a good wife to him... and he´ll leave you alone!


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

Take it from someone that wishes they had not married the wrong person; He will not change. His violence towards you will escalate. When you are dating that is the best your relationship will be. Once you are married and that contract is in place it does not get better. You also do not want to have children who will witness this violence. They will either think its normal and accept the same treatment upon themselves or they will grow older and lose respect for you remembering all that you put up with. If you like pretty dresses then you should not feel guilty for liking them. This is a part of who you are and there is a man out there who will love you just the way you are. You can only sacrifice your own happiness but for so long. Eventually you will burst out at the seams.


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