# Going for a decision, want advice



## pradip (Nov 23, 2012)

My age is 35 and has a 9 years old daughter. I do not have happy married life with my wife and from many years we sleep in separate rooms and very rarely talk with each other and have fight between us very frequently and very violent. Very seldom we had any physical relationships from many years. I do not like to see her ever in my life but stayed many years in the same house to take care and because I love my baby very much. But my wife is very aggressive and intolerable person and hence we have made arrangements for not interfering in each other’s life and only stay together for the child and sleep in separate rooms. But during my trip to abroad last year, I met a wonderful girl and fallen deeply in love with her and she also love me very truly and same I am in love with her with all my heart. I want to divorce my present wife and marry with this wonderful lady. 

As we had no compatibility and I hate my wife, I told her to get separated now. She is ready for the divorce but demands very large money as alimony, which I am unable to give. She and her family want large money from me or stay in marriage, both of which are not possible. I asked her the custody of my baby, but she said she will never give me baby. I have told her and her family that I will provide everything for my daughter, but she demands gold mine from me. My daughter is suffering because of all this and every time she is involving her during any discussion or argument. I don't want my daughter suffer, and cannot stay with this lady, but I worry for daughter, if I leave her, then what will be my daughter’s future. I have no love and affection for my wife and she was always very bad with me and I hate her most and even before I met this new lady, I made a point with her that she will never interfere in my life because I am staying with her only for baby and I do not want to see her for any reason. From many years we are staying life individually without any love and she needed me for her livelihood and I stay for my daughter. She had tormented even my family members and no one wants to talk with her. My parents had advised me several times to leave her but I was only staying with her to secure the future of my daughter and I have devoted my family time only with my daughter. My parents know the whole thing and they are on my side for going for divorce, but they want me to marry in my country and not agree for the foreign bride. 

I love my girlfriend genuinely very much and she loves me same and we are very much loyal to each other. In my life I never wanted any lady again, after so bad experience with my wife, but my girlfriend is so lovely and wonderful people, I could not control my heart and I fell for her and she liked me but she knew, I am married and do not wanted to have relation with me, but as we were in touch constantly with chatting and phone calls, I made her understand my present situation and after so much convincing, she is now in love with me same. We talk with each other and chat every day, and sometimes when I go offshore for my work, I stay with her. Now am in very deep love with her and she loves me same. I was in much dark paces in past and lead a loveless life. Now I understand the need for a person to be loved as after love with her, my life has changed so much and I am able to end my addiction for smoking and alcohol, as my girlfriend never have such things and I decided to leave all addictions for my love with her. I have started taking very good care of me and I can leave everything for my love with my girlfriend. My girlfriend have a baby from her ex bf, and after her failed love with him, she only wanted to stay her life as single mother. We have met very accidentally during my trip offshore last year via her friend and it was in the first meeting, I have developed special feelings for her and same with as, as she told me later. I took her phone number and used to call her regularly, and after started chatting with her. I was in love with her, but she knew I am married and sometimes she used to angry me and not talk with me, when I express my love with her. The in few months, I was able to make her understand my relation with my wife, after showing her substantial evidences, she also fell in love with me, and we are sharing very good relation with each other and very loyal with each other, and I stay with her during my every trip offshore, which I have to go in every 2-3 months for 4-6 days. But we talk on the phone and chat every day. I love her so much and love to be loved by her. 

I am seriously considering divorce as, I have decided that I cannot live with my wife any more. I have told her about my decision, initially she refused, but now she and her family agreed with very high demand. And now from 3 months, she is staying mostly with her family in other city and due to this my daughter is suffering with her school and studies. My wife and her family member are telling me to not divorce her and continue long distance relationship with my girlfriend. She and her family members are threatening me, if I want divorce, provide her with all her demands or they will refuse the divorce and as per all the laws favouring women in my country, it will take years to obtain divorce without her consent. During all this course of happenings, I am not able to concentrate on my work and have more problems from every side and my daughter is suffering very much as she loves me very much. I am an Indian and presently living in India. Please advise me what to do now, as I cannot leave my girlfriend and want her to be my life partner and same with her and I do not want to stay in my present marriage. My girlfriend is ready to maintain live in relationship with me till I obtain divorce with my present wife, and we can marry later. Laws in my country do not allow that, but I can leave my country and manage to stay in her country or third country, for which, I have to make much efforts, which I am prepared and planned to do and can stay with her. But I do not want my daughter suffer and want her to have very good life and future. 

My parents wish me to remarry with Indian lady, which I cannot do, as I never wanted any lady in my life again. I am a handsome man and previously some ladies have proposed me but I wanted to stay in the marriage only for the future of my daughter was living a very loveless and addicted life. Now I have very good love with my girlfriend and want to live with her and she wants the same. I want to take my daughter with me which my girlfriend agrees and want to love my baby and take care my baby, but my wife will never let me take her. My mind is very puzzled now as I have decided to leave the country and stay with my girlfriend in a third country, but I do not want my daughter suffer and my parents think bad about me. My decision is made in any case I will stay with my girlfriend. But how can I balance with my affection for my daughter and parents. I love her very much and most and cannot live without her.

Thanks for your valuable advice.
Pradip, India


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Hey Pradeep,

It is easy to say that you found someone in a loveless marraige,and that you were stayg all because of your daughter,and also that yur wife needed you just for money;It is easy to gain support and sympathy this way;
But I do not think your wife went after some other man in her loveless life;you did not wnat her,your parents did not want her,they always advised you to marry someother indian woman but still she stayed;Did you wonder what made her stay all this long with you being so cold to her always;

I think your parents think her to be a commodity,that she should be replaced with another commodity i,e indian wife;while you think she can be replaced with nother commodity that is 'foreign gf';

If you cared for your daughter the way you have been saying again and again,try to fix this marraige with love and not staying in separate rooms ;

You cannot cheat on her and ask for divorce;
And I am sure the picture you have tried to paint in front of your new gf is going to be bad for this other woman also;You never see a faiy tale; Real life fairy tales come out of commitment;Even if you get divorced ,unless and until you work on changing yourself for good,you are not seeing a good marraige with anybody.

As per my knowledge goes the indian laws for divorce are strong because the kind of attrocities carried by indian men are deplorable rather heinous;


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

As far as I know,in India,men get away with divorce,but Indian women have to face the stigma attached with the divorce;life is hell for them in society and not all women are strong(unless and until they are very educated and are well to do);

See for eg now ,you might conveniently divorce your wife whom you married and vowed to spent the entire life with her;you have found another woman and are all set to marry (multiple choices for you-indian females as well as foreign females);

Do not think this is the case with your wife;she is stuck in the age old dirty traditions and your abandonment;Society will amke her feel like she is a handicap;

I think all you ca do is talk to her;
I hope she has a job;


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## pradip (Nov 23, 2012)

I have tried all time and always stayed good with her, took care for everything. But it was her very aggressive and very abusive nature which no one can tolerate. Everyone from my family were good with her initially, but she abused everyone including me, now no one wants to talk with her.
She had no intentions to give a good happy married life, fights with me, curses my family members, does not respect or show love to me. Her arrogance and selfishness is more important for her than the well being of her husband. She does not compromise at all with her demands, tantrums, does not think twice before spitting the venom of her mind on me and my family members, but expects respect and tons of patience from everyone.
She does not work and earn, but never did anything for home. Never cooked food, Never cared me. Even if I am sick, she keeps on abusing me. She always deliver threats for dire consequences, if she is not met with her demands, because of the political connections of her family. 
She can pick up the fight on the drop of hat. She has very negative mindset and abuses everyone and curses everyone, including me, my friends, my family and everyone around.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

You protray her like a devil;
Howcome yiu a daughter with her;Howcme you married her at the first place;Howcome when your parents knew,she has political power connections,still they kept on asking you to divorce her;
There is something missing in what you have put forth.
Sorry dude,in my case I really feel you are listing these reasons as an escape route;
And it takes two hands to clap;

I think ,the only person who can deliver you from this situation is your legal wife alone;you need to be honest to her;
All the best!!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

pradip - Your first post is just a big wall of text. You can edit that post to put in paragraphs. I think you'll have more responses if you make the original post easier to read. Paragraphs are your friend.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

pradip said:


> I have tried all time and always stayed good with her, took care for everything. But it was her very aggressive and very abusive nature which no one can tolerate. Everyone from my family were good with her initially, but she abused everyone including me, now no one wants to talk with her.
> She had no intentions to give a good happy married life, fights with me, curses my family members, does not respect or show love to me. Her arrogance and selfishness is more important for her than the well being of her husband. She does not compromise at all with her demands, tantrums, does not think twice before spitting the venom of her mind on me and my family members, but expects respect and tons of patience from everyone.
> She does not work and earn, but never did anything for home. Never cooked food, Never cared me. Even if I am sick, she keeps on abusing me. She always deliver threats for dire consequences, if she is not met with her demands, because of the political connections of her family.
> She can pick up the fight on the drop of hat. She has very negative mindset and abuses everyone and curses everyone, including me, my friends, my family and everyone around.


Rarely is one person 100% at fault for the state of the marriage. Rarely is one spouse the devil and the other the saint. That is not how marriage works. Your wife can't be as bad as you make her out to be. You played your part in this. You are not some saintly husband who didn't contribute to the failure of the marriage. Own your cheating ways instead of shifting the blame to your wife. No one put a gun to your head or slipped a medication in your drink to make you take up with another woman. You did that all by yourself. Doing so while you're married is immoral. You know it is. Don't pretend it's not. 

I don't know anything about divorce laws in India. You might want to post in the Coping With Infidelity section because I know there are at least 2-3 men there who post there who are from India. Make sure you put something about "India" in the thread title to catch their attention.

You come from a very conservative traditional country. Do you honestly think your relatives will accept your girlfriend who has a child without the benefit of marriage? I can see that you're going to have a load of trouble getting them to accept her into the family. I think you're not thinking clearly. You think that just because you have feelings for her your family will just accept her. From everything I've seen about Indian families, you're going to have an uphill battle. 

Good luck. I think you're going to need it.


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## pradip (Nov 23, 2012)

From many years we are staying under one roof but staying separately as I had lost all affection with her due to the constant fights and abuses. The laws in my country regarding divorce are always favouring woman. I have tried many times to walk out and once I was very close to leave her, but I stayed and wanted to only stay with her till my daughter becomes 14, because after 14 court give right to the child to select their custodian and before such age the court usually award the custody to mother. Please tell me what is the meaning of such marriage where there is no love and affection which is lost many years before almost 6-7 years. 

When I do not get care, as everything household work is done by maids, including cooking. Never being considered and respected and cared as a husband. Never respected my friends and family, and I do not call anyone in my house because I do not want to get embarrassed. I had to go alone to any gathering, or party, or marriages among friends and relatives, because she do not want to go. She being very lazy and lethargic do not want to do any work. I never had the benefit of having her on my side. 

I only understand that this is not the way any one's married life goes and separation was certain, but I was delaying it only for my daughter and the unfavourable divorce laws in the country, and do not want her to be awarded huge alimony and custody of my daughter.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Why on earth would your wife agree to let her daughter with you leave the country so that another woman can raise that child?

Does that make any sense to you?

No matter how badly you say your wife is, what mother would agree to let her daughter be raised by a stranger? Why would your wife agree to let your daughter go far away where she won't see the child regularly?

I'm a mother and I would never agree to let my husband's girlfriend take care of my children. And given that you're from a traditional culture, your wife probably has to wonder if a woman who got pregnant outside of marriage is going to do a good job raising her daughter. 

You've said you had problems with alcohol and smoking. It sounds like you weren't that easy to live with either.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Instead of blaming your wife for all sorts of things which is only going to make her defensive and angry, why not offer her a generous settlement and primary custody of the daughter? You can visit your daughter regularly. But if she grew up in India, it's going to be an adjustment to take her away from her mother, her cousins, grandparents and all that she is familiar with. I don't know if giving your wife some of what she wants will speed up a divorce, but I think you will abolutely not get a quick divorce if you continue to make her the bad person in the marriage.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Hi Pradip,

I agree with zappy on what he says about divorce.
Also ,I want to add something:
'Your wife ,current life and marraige was not reason for your unhappiness';Escaping from this situation by means of divorce wont help you either;
You need to be happy inside,to share the happiness with all,be it your wife or parents or friends;
You think perhaps that your gf gave you the happiness in you loveless marraige;Let me put it another manner;You created certain good moments with another person ;it ws not the other person;it is all in your mind;

Had you tried to create certain good moments with your wife in the same mannetr,any'human being' would reciprocate back with love;
Instead you opted out and do not even consider your wife to human enough;

I am sure all this doesnot make sense to you now,perhaps for you have made up your mind to abandon your wife and you feel your happiness lies in an external being;

But with time things will be clear;We are all human;And our choices make us good or bad;I just hope you make the right choice with a level head;

I really do not think looks etc etc plays any role in a true relationship;No, am not jealous if you people happen to be good looking like you profess .


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

pradip - I don't know if you are still reading all of this. Sometimes when people get advice they don't like, they leave this website. Hopefully, you are still reading this thread even if you aren't posting.

Exactly what sort of woman is your girlfriend. She is willing to have an affair with a married man, a father. She is willing to cause pain to another woman who has done her no wrong. She is willing to live with you without being married. 
Is this the kind of woman you were raised to marry? 
Think back to when you were 20 years old, what you think of such a woman?

There's a famous saying.."Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical but is often true."

I think that if you end up with this new woman YOU will pay a very high price. Sure at first it will seem great because she is not your old wife and everything will be new with this second wife. But like anything else in life, the glamour will wear off. Soon you will have all the real life stress all relationships have. And when you add in the trauma caused to your daughter by the divorce who undoubtedly loves her mother, the criticisms from your family and friends of the family, YOU will have A LOT of stress on you; not your new wife. You. Then you will start looking at your new wife differently. After all she played a big part in tearing up your old marriage. You'll realize that you have married a woman who is willing to cheat and have an affair. You won't trust her. After all, if she cheated with you, she can cheat on you.

Divorce is easy in the west where I live. There's no stigma to it. However, where you are, your daughter will have so much stigma. When it's time for her to get married, will suitable boys from good families be willing to marry the daughter from a divorced family where the father married his mistress? You say you love your daughter, but are you truly considering the long-term impact your affair and subsequent marriage will have on your daughter? 

In the end, you'll do as you wish and none of us can stop you. It's your life after all. But your rash decisions will have a huge impact on you, your current wife and sadly, your daughter.

I think that you should try to find ways to patch up your marriage with your wife. I don't know if are willing to get marriage counseling, but that's what I would do first.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

I hope Pradeep is reading all this and has not left this siteon not being ale to get support to his initial plans posted.


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## pradip (Nov 23, 2012)

Hi, everyone,
Sorry for the delayed response, because I was out of my city.
Thanks for your comments, and I not think bad with any comments, because they are really sincere comments.

Why I should stay with my wife, when I have really vowed to teach her good lesson and want her to rot all her life. Please not find my words very offensive because I mean it really. I was staying only for my daughter but I always wanted to walk out, not see her again, but stayed to gather more strength and money to leave her forever and wanted my daughter to live with me.

I not wanted to marry again, and wanted to live with my daughter alone. If I wished to remarry then, I could have left her many years before, such a woman she is. 

I love my girlfriend very much. Want all my life with her and I love her really and very truly. She come to my life after I went through dark paces from so long time. She is a ray of light, in my heart mired in shadows. I really don't know how will be my life with her, but I am positive and think will be good really, and you are negative and think will not be good. But no one can predict perfectly.

Why you think marriage can not go bad and dissolve. You think I have not tried, I have tried but my all efforts have gone in vein. And we are world apart now and can never be together. If you think me the villain, but the truth is that we will never be together and it is not due to my new love but due to our differences and so long enmity together. From long time I was yearning to leave her forever. It was a deceitful thing that has led many astray. Yet mistakes of youth need not forever haunt maturity.

I wanted my daughter should not face stigma of having divorced parents and stayed. I want my daughter come with me and have very good future. My girlfriends agrees and as she is very good heart and love kids very much, I am confident that in no time my daughter will adopt her and she will not have any problem. I have told my wife, to let me take my daughter for only few months and then decide if she is happy with us or not. But she does not care the well being of her daughter and only want the daughter to stay with her, knowing my daughter can have better future with me. If she does not believe me, what is the harm in trying for few months. I her self interest is more important to her then the future of daughter. I have stayed and went many places alone with my daughter many times. I go to any religious, marriage or such ceremonies, alone with my daughter everywhere, even out of town and some days together from the time my daughter was very small and she never came with me. My daughter loves me very much and after the divorce, I want very good life for her and want my wife to suffer for all the wrong she did to me, and she will suffer in hell sure.


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## pradip (Nov 23, 2012)

jmb123 said:


> I hope Pradeep is reading all this and has not left this siteon not being ale to get support to his initial plans posted.


I am sorry guys for the delayed response, please find my response now and more responses will follow.


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## pradip (Nov 23, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> I don't agree brother.....


What you do not agree... I can reply you


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