# Is this some sort of bullying/power struggle?



## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for eight years. He was an active duty green beret for seven of those years. He is now in the reserves, as I have finished my degree and he is now finishing his. I am responsible for the bills, and he maintains a part-time job to pay for his expenses only (eating out everyday, guns, and other things he would like to buy that our budget might not allow for). He contributes the rent each month, which is a huge help - his schooling pays for it. When there is a winter or summer break, though, the responsibility falls solely on me, and I have realized that I don't make enough to cover all of this bills on just my income. I asked if he could help out during the summer; he said no - it is my responsibility and that I am basically on my own. I suggested trimming down some of the bills - such as cable - but was met with replies such as, "No, I need all of my channels." I understand why he would want to hang on to all of his income from his part-time job, but I also feel that he enjoys watching me struggle financially on my own. Help?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

This sounds really uneven. So basically he works to help out with the rent and do whatever he feels like. Why does he eat out every day? How many guns are we talking here?

I'd tell him plainly about the cable, we can't afford it. Tell him if the cable and his channels is that important to him, he needs to consider that one of his expenses. If he doesn't, I'd personally just stop paying the cable bill.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

looking at a year, what percentage of your joint income does he bring in after paying tuition, books, fees, etc?

What percentage of all your bills is the mortgage?


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> looking at a year, what percentage of your joint income does he bring in after paying tuition, books, fees, etc?
> 
> What percentage of all your bills is the mortgage?


When he is actively taking classes, the VA pays for housing, and he contributes all of that, which is about 1/3 of our income in those months. During the summer or winter breaks, (4 months out of the year), the onus is on me to pay everything. During those times, he still has his part-time job, but that money is for him to pay for the things he wants to buy for himself, since I don't make enough to pay for them...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ramsesgirl said:


> When he is actively taking classes, the VA pays for housing, and he contributes all of that, which is about 1/3 of our income in those months. During the summer or winter breaks, (4 months out of the year), the onus is on me to pay everything. During those times, he still has his part-time job, but that money is for him to pay for the things he wants to buy for himself, since I don't make enough to pay for them...


A couple of bigger-picture questions:

1) What were finances like when he was active duty? Was there a time where he was in the position you are in now, so he might feel that this is just evening out the contributions?

2) Why is he only taking classes eight months a year? Why is he not attending accelerated classes between the regular sessions? Or at least, why not work more hours when not in school?

He is mid-20s at least with a family (you) depending on him. I hope your situation would prompt him to finish school as quickly as possible. When doing my MBA, I went year-round including summer (at a school on a quarterly calendar) and picked up remote classes to speed it up. You can bet that I would have picked up summer and winter inter-session had I been at a semester school.

I want to say is sounds like he is coasting and being selfish by letting you worry about the finances, but am curious about the answers to my questions.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I asked if he could help out during the summer; he said no - it is my responsibility and* that I am basically on my own*.


Is that what he wants? Does he not want to be married? 



> I am responsible for the bills, and he maintains a part-time job to pay for his expenses only (eating out everyday, guns, and other things he would like to buy that our budget might not allow for).


Why is he eating out all the time? Is he taking other women out to dinner?

And guns, really? Isn't that a luxury that you two can't afford?



> I understand why he would want to hang on to all of his income from his part-time job, but* I also feel that he enjoys watching me struggle financially on my own.*


That's really ugly if it's true he enjoys seeing you struggle. Does he resent you for some reason? 

I wouldn't stay with a guy who enjoys seeing me struggle, financially or otherwise. That's crap. You don't need someone who is actively working against you as your supposed life partner. You can do better on your own.

It seems bass-ackwards that a man who had to rely on a team of people to have his back in the military seems so completely clueless about the team effort required to have a successful marriage.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

DTO, the GI Bill can't be used for accelerated/abbreviated classes. 

OP, how do these conversations generally go? If you suggest cutting cable and he says no, ask him what his proposed solution is. If he doesn't have a viable one, say, "Well, it looks like cutting cable for xx months is our only option if we want to keep a roof over our head. I will cancel/suspen services on (date)."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

If you guys are married, it shouldnt be 50/50 or 70/30 it should be 100% from both towards the household.
You should not have to "ask" him to help pay the bills. It should be a responsibility from him. 

I suggest you guys make a budget of your expenses, add all of your income for the month, disregarding whose is it or how much each does. Subtract all expenses from the total income and whatever is left, divide it in half so you both get lil pleasures here and there.
Remember you are a team. There is no my money your money. Its our money.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just tell him you're canceling the cable and if he wants it, he can pay for it. Put that $100 or whatever in a savings account each month and you'll have money to pay rent the other four months. And if that's still not enough, find something else to cut out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you two considered financial planning classes or counseling? Ideally, you would work as a team. Save money in the better times so you can afford to continue living the same way in the expected bad times.

C


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Are you also fond of your channels? I know that because I'm lazy, I have far more channels than I watch; one day I'll get around to paring them down. 

If television isn't all that important to you, then if he "needs" his channels, he pays for them. 

Now that you have completed your degree, is your field/job one that allows you to be responsible for all the bills in your household when he isn't in school? How much longer does he have before he completes his degree?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You're ASKING him what you will pay for with YOUR money. Um. No. Tell him. Here is the budget. Here are the cable plans you can choose from. Period.


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## mrsc2012 (Dec 26, 2014)

In his off months I'd suggest he ask for active reserve orders so he can work full time. They usually do some desk duty and they issue orders two weeks at a time the bah+base pay can really help during the off time. I used to do that when I was on break from school until I landed my full time job. He can talk to whoever his platoon sgt is during drill to see if it's an option where you are.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

wait, he has a part time job in addition to the reserves, or the reserves is his part time job?


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## big_barrel (Jan 27, 2015)

tell him that like in the military you give your all in marriage. You sacrifice for the sake of being successful together not apart.

Frame the argument in a way that a military person would understand.


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