# Desperately need advice.



## Lucky-in-love1726 (Jul 15, 2020)

Okay, so I’m getting married in December, and my significant other and myself have very clashing schedules, I will be in college, and he works nights, so I’ll be gone during the day, he at night. How can we make time for each other?!? We are not giving up the relationship and eventually it will be lined out but until, how can we get through this? It’s so hard.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Been there, done that. 

The key is to make the best out of the time that you DO have together. No more taking that time for granted... now you have to use that time wisely and be truly present. Quality is better than quantity. 

Plan time together, and not just date nights. You will be in the same house sometimes and you will both have days off, so sit down together and create a schedule. Get creative... Do you have a gap between your classes? If so, meet him for lunch on some of his days off. That doesn't mean going out for lunch (unless you want it to), it can be as simple as eating your packed lunch with him. 
Whenever possible, you both need to get your chores done while the other is at work/school. That way your time together isn't spent doing the dishes or going to the grocery store, it's quality time together. 
Have dinner together every day. Yes, you can usually make this happen even if you have to eat a bit later or earlier than "ideal". 
When you are together NO phones, no tablets, no computers. Be present with each other. You will both have plenty of alone time to scroll through social media or play video games. 
Change your normal routine to make more time together. For example, switching an evening yoga class to the morning so that you have more time with your husband later. Or going to the gym in the afternoon instead of at 6AM so that you can go WITH your husband. For your classes, can you schedule them to best work with your husband's schedule? 
Check in with each other during the day. It might just be a text or a 5-minute phone call. 
Keep the romance going even while apart. Leave each other romantic notes either in plain sight or hidden. My wife used to put notes in my pockets and I'd find them while going about my day. 
When you are alone, do things that you wouldn't otherwise have the time to do. Maybe you have a hobby that he's not into? Now you have time for it. 
On your off days, get in bed with each other. Your husband can get into bed with you until you fall asleep. You can get into bed with him while he's waking up. 
Oh, and communicate, communicate, communicate.


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## Lucky-in-love1726 (Jul 15, 2020)

bobert said:


> Been there, done that.
> 
> The key is to make the best out of the time that you DO have together. No more taking that time for granted... now you have to use that time wisely and be truly present. Quality is better than quantity.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! This is extremely helpful!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Or you could wait to get married so you don't have this big hurdle right out of the gate.


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## Lucky-in-love1726 (Jul 15, 2020)

We’ve thought of that as well, but agreed that this is something we’ve waited for, for four years and we know we can get through it, just have some difficulties with how So we’re working on it. I appreciate the tip tho!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. Another thought is you will be educationally growing. You might want to find some educational things you can share with your husband so he feels he is also growing as well. A class you can both share.


Good luck.


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## Lucky-in-love1726 (Jul 15, 2020)

I’m on birth control to avoid that, that sounds like a great idea. He’s always so interested in what I do. Thank you


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Lucky-in-love1726 said:


> Okay, so I’m getting married in December, and my significant other and myself have very clashing schedules, I will be in college, and he works nights, so I’ll be gone during the day, he at night. How can we make time for each other?!? We are not giving up the relationship and eventually it will be lined out but until, how can we get through this? It’s so hard.


I know it isn't what you want to hear or really any advice to ease the stress you are both already under but.....working at nights is a choice. 
Many couples end up stuck in these work schedules that stress their marriage etc. We all have choices. No one makes anyone work at a particular job, no one has to work a particular schedule. There are always choices. Money, time together, quality of life, stress....etc. All of these are factors and it is up to you both to set your priorities. If net, total money is the priority then I guess you each with have to work any schedule that pays the most. If quality time together and a family/relationship friendly work schedule is your priority then you guys will choose accordingly. You have choices in life. No one holds a gun to your head and makes anyone take any job or schedule against their will. You two will have to iron out your priorities and make choices. Pro career, pro income, pro family....sometimes you have to choice because you can't always get all of those, you have to pick which are the most important.


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## Lucky-in-love1726 (Jul 15, 2020)

Thank you, we actually had this discussion earlier this week and we’ve decided to make adjustments for more time together!❤


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> I know it isn't what you want to hear or really any advice to ease the stress you are both already under but.....working at nights is a choice.


That isn't really true.

There are people who desperately need a job and all they can find at the moment is night shifts.

Working nights often pays a bit more and there are people who desperately need that money.

There are people who have to work opposite shifts of their spouse because they cannot afford childcare.

There are some careers, such as nursing, that require you to work nights for years before you have enough seniority to switch to the day shifts. Yes, going into nursing was their choice but for many they can't see themselves doing anything else. Yes, they could work somewhere else that gives them more control over their schedule, but they almost always make far less money and the benefits usually aren't great.

It's not always as simple as "find another job".


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

bobert said:


> That isn't really true.
> 
> There are people who desperately need a job and all they can find at the moment is night shifts.
> 
> ...


All those are choices.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

hinterdir said:


> All those are choices.


People chose to be poor and need extra money? ****, who knew.


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