# My husband has lost interest in sex



## Elytra462 (Mar 30, 2018)

My husband has lost interest in sex. We used to have a great sex life and we got married last July and things quickly went downhill, sex-wise, shortly thereafter. Right about that time, we had a bunch of life changes in regards to his job and things like that as well as a major discovery (for me) that he's an alcoholic. He's been in recovery for the alcoholism for a few months now and his job situation has evened out but we still haven't regained our sex life. In fact, we rarely even touch at all. He even often recoils from me when I do try to touch his arm or something; it doesn't even have to be sexually motivated.

Before we got married, we were both in agreement about starting a family pretty quickly. I'm about to be 36 so there is that biological clock too. He says this makes him feel pressured but I don't know how to help with that. I have backed off vocalizing my concern for having kids but I can't change the biological reality.

He's also taking an SSRI for anxiety and depression, which seems to be helping on that front and I know it comes with some sexual side effects too. The thing is though, he's been on them previously in our relationship and we haven't had any problems before with our sex life.

I don't know what to do at this point. I've talked to him about it and he gets defensive. Our last conversation ended with him basically calling me selfish for being bothered by the lack of physical intimacy and asking me to just leave him alone until he's ready. I've brought up that my sadness about this goes deeper than just wanting to have a child too, I also just miss that intimacy with him.

We've been to marriage counseling too but that didn't really get to the bottom of anything and he actually walked out of our last session and then has said he won't go back.

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to help, if I can help or what I should even be doing at this point. I don't want my marriage to be over but I also don't want to have a sexless marriage either.

Please help.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Elytra462 said:


> Please help.


As in most of these cases, the worst part isn't the lack of sex, but that your spouse isn't concerned about how you might feel about it. Biological clock is one thing, but do you really want to have kids with someone so unstable anyway? Even if you give him a strict deadline and he begins to communicate with you, you still would not be wise to have kids with him until you see that any changes are long lasting.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

It could be a lot of things, but it's a common phenomenon for alcoholics to have a hard time having sex once they get sober. They're so used to coping with anxieties through alcohol, and for many of them sex and alcohol are inextricably linked. It takes a while to adjust. Should be something he's talking about in recovery.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Ssri's are noted
for sexual side effects.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Has he had a workup to get his testosterone levels checked? Antidepressants are known to have adverse affect on testosterone by either depleting the body or preventing the production or both. It's not exactly known how or why, and most doctors will refute the complaint because there are no studies that prove it. Nevertheless, there are lots of men taking SSRI with the same complaint. That he had no problem before doesn't mean SSRIs are not linked to the problem now.

Ask him to get checked out but don't pressure him to do it. He might be sensitive about his sudden dysfunction and doesn't know why it has happened or that the SSRIs might have something to do with it. He might also become afraid that the medical checkup won't yield results. If he's anything like, I sometimes fear that my doctor won't find the answer to my complaints. I fear that more than what the answers might be sometimes.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Elytra462 said:


> We've been to marriage counseling too but that didn't really get to the bottom of anything and he actually walked out of our last session and then has said he won't go back.


The only person you have control over is yourself. There are no magic words or any magic behaviors that will make another person do what you want them to. We can influence others to a degree, but control is with each individual.

I'm sorry that everything has changed so much for the negative.

The fact that your husband walked out on marriage counseling and said he would not go back shows that your concerns are not a big priority for him and that he is unwilling or unable to face and work through the things that are necessary to resolve the marriage problems. He has explained to you that he is unwilling to make changes in your sex life or plans for a family, so there really isn't anything that can be done to resolve the problems when you two are at odds about the solution. 

His solution is for you to suck it up and carry on the way things are. Your solution is for him to follow through on his commitments to you. Now it's time for you to decide whether you are going to use up the remainder of your fertility waiting for him or whether you are going to cut your loses and move on.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It seems to me that there are far too many deep problems for him to overcome in any reasonable amount of time - for many years, at least. In your shoes, I would acknowledge that I've made a mistake, and divorce ASAP.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He sounds as if he has a myriad of problems and I suspect they are mostly alcohol related. He is currently a dry drunk and believe me they are not easy to live with. In addition sex often drops by the wayside as they are so focused on trying to maintain sobriety. Is he doing any programme such as AA, if not then it is almost 100% likely he will relapse and your problems will be compounded.
I think you should seriously reconsider having kids with this man, if he is a RA as you say, the chances are you are in for a long uphill battle with his disease, didn't you know about this before your married him?
I would suggest you go on SoberRecovery.com and read all you can about living with a A/RA in the Family/Friends forum. The first step in handling this is to inform yourself, it might save your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You married him last July. How long did the two of you date before you married? Did you live together before you married?

How old is he?


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## Elytra462 (Mar 30, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You married him last July. How long did the two of you date before you married? Did you live together before you married?
> 
> How old is he?


We dated for 2.5 years before getting married and yes, lived together for 1.5 of those years.

He is 32.


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## Elytra462 (Mar 30, 2018)

He was going to AA but recently stopped out of the blue. I've been going to al-anon.

I knew he drank before we got married but I had no idea the extent to which he was. He was hiding alcohol in the bathroom and other places and then sneaking extra drinks in addition to the drinking habits I would see. He was basically outed when his dr did a blood test and found that his level enzymes were ridiculously high.

I am very concerned about him relapsing now that he's stopped going to AA. He does go to a psychologist on his own for therapy though and he's seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in treating mental illnesses of addicts (so no xanax, etc).

Thank you for the website suggestion. I will check that out.


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## Elytra462 (Mar 30, 2018)

aine said:


> He sounds as if he has a myriad of problems and I suspect they are mostly alcohol related. He is currently a dry drunk and believe me they are not easy to live with. In addition sex often drops by the wayside as they are so focused on trying to maintain sobriety. Is he doing any programme such as AA, if not then it is almost 100% likely he will relapse and your problems will be compounded.
> I think you should seriously reconsider having kids with this man, if he is a RA as you say, the chances are you are in for a long uphill battle with his disease, didn't you know about this before your married him?
> I would suggest you go on SoberRecovery.com and read all you can about living with a A/RA in the Family/Friends forum. The first step in handling this is to inform yourself, it might save your life.





Elytra462 said:


> He was going to AA but recently stopped out of the blue. I've been going to al-anon.
> 
> I knew he drank before we got married but I had no idea the extent to which he was. He was hiding alcohol in the bathroom and other places and then sneaking extra drinks in addition to the drinking habits I would see. He was basically outed when his dr did a blood test and found that his level enzymes were ridiculously high.
> 
> ...


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## Elytra462 (Mar 30, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Elytra462 said:
> 
> 
> > We've been to marriage counseling too but that didn't really get to the bottom of anything and he actually walked out of our last session and then has said he won't go back.
> ...


Thank you for your response. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up regarding our different ideas of what the solution is.

I talked to him and he says he's willing to see a different marriage counselor now. He says the one we were going to wasn't helping a whole lot. I'm a little skeptical if he will indeed follow through but I'm glad that he's at least entertaining the option.


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## Elytra462 (Mar 30, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Has he had a workup to get his testosterone levels checked? Antidepressants are known to have adverse affect on testosterone by either depleting the body or preventing the production or both. It's not exactly known how or why, and most doctors will refute the complaint because there are no studies that prove it. Nevertheless, there are lots of men taking SSRI with the same complaint. That he had no problem before doesn't mean SSRIs are not linked to the problem now.
> 
> Ask him to get checked out but don't pressure him to do it. He might be sensitive about his sudden dysfunction and doesn't know why it has happened or that the SSRIs might have something to do with it. He might also become afraid that the medical checkup won't yield results. If he's anything like, I sometimes fear that my doctor won't find the answer to my complaints. I fear that more than what the answers might be sometimes.


I had actually been wondering about if it could have something to do with testosterone levels so it's interesting that you mention that could be correlated with SSRI's.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm going to throw out an idea because as a man I can't even imagine another man having no interest in sex. Porn addiction.... could this be his other coping mechanism? Have you snooped his phone, computer, etc. or does he spend a lot of time in private?

A common occurrence nowadays.. men have no need of their wives because they get satisfied without all the hassle or pressure of wooing/satisfying a woman.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Men can definitely not have much interest in sex. It is a common misconception that they all walk around with hard ons all the time.

In your case it sounds like a combination of issues. Both alcohol and SSRIs cause low sex drive. Also it sounds like you are pushing him to start a family. He may very well be worried about you becoming pregnant when he is not ready so he is avoiding sex. Honestly, why would you want to bring a child into an unstable and unhappy relationship?

I know your biological clock is ticking. Time to make a choice. You need to put your foot down and put a strict deadline in place. He needs to know you are serious about him getting help. He needs to go back to AA and counseling, and you both need to communicate more about meeting each others needs. He may or may not change, and it may takes years.

Or if you don't want to fight the long battle, find someone new with less issues who wants a family and doesn't have all the baggage.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Holdingontoit's 2 rules of sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get married while there is a sexual mismatch. it isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids wile there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

He has issues. If he does not resolve them, you will eventually leave them. If you bring kids into the mix, the breakup will be more painful for everyone. Why do that to the kids? Go find a man who wants to have kids. Or go to the sperm bank and get a donor. But don't bring a kid into a bad relationship.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Elytra462, I'm going to be pretty honest in my opinion.

I think you should divorce him and go back to dating once you've healed.

You want children. You're 36. I'd actually recommend you go freeze a bunch of eggs now. You can do that independent of whether you're in a relationship or not. Don't leave your reproductive future in someone else's hands. Grab it by the horns now.

He's an alcoholic. You cannot help him, no matter how much you want to. This is his issue to deal with and hopefully, overcome. It will continue to put a strain on your relationship (it already has). He is dependent on alcohol, resistant to your physical touch, and clearly troubled. You will not be able to carry on a complete relationship with a damaged person. Do you really want him to father a child when he is busy dealing with his own issues? I think that you'll find yourself as good as a single mom. I urge you not have a child with a drunk captain.

SSRIs or not (and I know they are notorious for creating low libido), if you are not having regular sex with your husband, you are not bonding with him. He won't even let you touch him. I loathe to put this out there, but have you considered that there's a possibility he is not attracted to you, for whatever reason? I simply can't fathom being in a relationship with a partner who literally recoils from me. That tells me loud and clear that he's simply not attracted to me. I'd also be very worried that he was simply inebriated 24-7 while we were dating, having lots of sex with me because of beergoggles, and never really loved me while sober.

That's just me.


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