# How to handle this??



## allicantake

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Wife and I were married 21 years before we divorced. She had a 4 month affair 7 years into marriage, then another that led to our divorce. I always felt we had a good marriage other than the short affair she had early on. I forgave, never forgot, and moved on. We never really even talked about it when it was over. We didn't fight, there were no addictions, nothing. She says we didn't communicate well enough. I agree that we didn't do all we needed to. We have 3 children aged 16, 13, and 7. We got married in 1992 and divorced in 2013. The last affair started on facebook and was a whirlwind. I suspected her around Christmas 2011 and found proof in February. She swore to end it with him but never did. He bought a house for them in the town where we live and she moved out in November 2012. I read every book I could read, every website, every blog. She was so in love with him that nothing would stop her. I filed but postponed the divorce 3 times because she said she didn't want to lose our family and wanted to reconcile. She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or that day probably a thousand times. Every time there's an excuse why she didn't leave him. She's never stopped saying that she loves me and only me. Says she made the biggest mistake of her life. Says there's been no sex between them for over 2 years :bsflag: She has promised to do everything we could ever need to reconcile but always adds "when I get back home" to the end. So, I've been on this rollercoaster from hell for over 5 years. Now for me....I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this. We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things.


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## allicantake

I posted when this affair first began if you would like to look it up by my name. I got really good advice then, but my heart didn't handle it well so I did a lot of things wrong and I'm still in a mess that should have been over long ago.


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## adegirl2016

Please. Move on. You deserve someone much better. If she wanted to come home, she would have already. She should have never cheated in the first place.


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## Diana7

So she doesn't want you, isn't prepared to be faithful to you, but as soon as she knows you are dating again she comes running. The marriage is over, you are single, please move on. She is only doing this because she doesn't want you to be with anyone else. She is being very selfish, not wanting you to move on and be happy again. 

Some advise, dont share ANYTHING about your personal private life with her. Keep ALL contact just about the children.


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## Openminded

You are her Plan B -- to be kept dangling on a string until she feels she needs you to rescue her. Right now, she doesn't. Is that really what you want?

If it isn't, then you need to stop listening to her stories and move on. Today.


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## Openminded

You shouldn't have mentioned the new woman to your ex-wife. Now she feels her Plan B slipping away and she doesn't like it. 

No, don't let her come home (and stop communicating unless it relates to your children). Yes, keep seeing the new woman.


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## Openminded

Plus -- she's cheated twice. What makes you think she is capable of being faithful if you gave her another chance? All you would be doing is risking your children having to go through another divorce at some point. 

You gave her a second chance and she threw it away. Don't give her a third one.


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## Lostme

I would move on, it has been quite a few years and she is still lying to you.

This new girl might just be the one for you, get off the roller coaster and create a life for yourself that will make you happy.


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## allicantake

All the replies are exactly what I thought. I only told her I was seeing someone because she told me she was packing her stuff and coming home. I figured it was the easiest way to tell her. My kids really want us together, especially my son. He has had a really hard time with all this. I've done my best to help him with it, but he says he wants dad and mom together. That's really hard on me, but it scares me to death that he might have to go through it again if she came back. Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.


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## Cynthia

allicantake said:


> I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Wife and I were married 21 years before we divorced.





allicantake said:


> I read every book I could read, every website, every blog. She was so in love with him that nothing would stop her. I filed but postponed the divorce 3 times because she said she didn't want to lose our family and wanted to reconcile. She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or that day probably a thousand times. Every time there's an excuse why she didn't leave him. She's never stopped saying that she loves me and only me. Says she made the biggest mistake of her life. Says there's been no sex between them for over 2 years :bsflag: She has promised to do everything we could ever need to reconcile but always adds "when I get back home" to the end. So, I've been on this rollercoaster from hell for over 5 years. Now for me....I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this. We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things.





allicantake said:


> Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.


I'm confused. You said that your wife had put off the divorce three times and you're on a roller coaster about it, but then you say several times that you're divorced. Are you legally divorced?


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## allicantake

I was the one that postponed the divorce 3 times before finally going through with it. She would tell me she wanted to come home and work it out so I would postpone the court date. I filed the divorce, I postponed it, and I went through with it in Oct. 2013. But she started the first day after she left talking about how she only loves me and wanted to work it out. She's kept that up the ENTIRE time, but has never left the OM. She is still with him, living in his house, as I type this. But, she's burning my email up, saying she's different now, knows so much more, and knows where her heart is and who she's always loved. Says she made the worst mistake anyone could make and swears she'll spend the rest of her life proving it to me if I let her come back. I have never told her she couldn't come back, but have said she had to do what we needed. She just knows about this other woman now and it's caused a flood of emails. My ex left in Nov. 2012 to live with OM. She has never admitted she wanted to be with him. She has always promised me she was coming home where she belonged, but like I said, she never has and is there as I type this. I suggested she end contact with him, find a place to rent for her and the kids, and show me she is worthy of considering this again, but she says she doesn't have a place to go. She says she wants to tell OM and come straight here from his house.


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## manwithnoname

allicantake said:


> All the replies are exactly what I thought. I only told her I was seeing someone because *she told me she was packing her stuff and coming home.* I figured it was the easiest way to tell her. My kids really want us together, especially my son. He has had a really hard time with all this. I've done my best to help him with it, but he says he wants dad and mom together. That's really hard on me, but it scares me to death that he might have to go through it again *if she came back*. Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.


Is it really up to her? Come on man!


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## turnera

allicantake said:


> I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this.


Well, there's your problem. One, because SHE KNOWS you're her little biotch. Two, because you've never gone out into the real world and seen what a real, loving, caring woman LOOKS like, so you can compare the sh*t sandwich you've been fed for 20 years to a decent relationship.


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## allicantake

turnera said:


> Well, there's your problem. One, because SHE KNOWS you're her little biotch. Two, because you've never gone out into the real world and seen what a real, loving, caring woman LOOKS like, so you can compare the sh*t sandwich you've been fed for 20 years to a decent relationship.


You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.


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## Hopeful Cynic

allicantake said:


> But she started the first day after she left talking about how she only loves me and wanted to work it out. She's kept that up the ENTIRE time, but has never left the OM. She is still with him, living in his house, as I type this. But, she's burning my email up, saying she's different now, knows so much more, and knows where her heart is and who she's always loved. Says she made the worst mistake anyone could make and swears she'll spend the rest of her life proving it to me if I let her come back. I have never told her she couldn't come back, but have said she had to do what we needed. She just knows about this other woman now and it's caused a flood of emails. My ex left in Nov. 2012 to live with OM. She has never admitted she wanted to be with him. She has always promised me she was coming home where she belonged, but like I said, she never has and is there as I type this. I suggested she end contact with him, find a place to rent for her and the kids, and show me she is worthy of considering this again, but she says she doesn't have a place to go. She says she wants to tell OM and come straight here from his house.


Start paying attention to her actions, not her words. She is taking no ACTION to earn you back. She just says the magic words whenever she feels you are wriggling out of her grip. As long as you keep falling for it, she'll keep doing it and you'll never get the distance you need to regain your equilibrium.

If she wasn't sincere the first 99 times, she's not sincere this 100th time.

She doesn't love or respect you. She just treats you like a possession she no longer cares about, but doesn't want anyone else to have, in case something goes wrong with the one she prefers.


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## Marc878

allicantake said:


> You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.


Look man, you've been here long enough to know you can't nice them back but you obviously never listened and *wasted 5 long years of your life* being nothing but a puppet on your XW's string. 

I doubt you'll even listen now. She doesn't want you!!!!! However, she doesn't want anyone else to have you. She wants you alone!!!!! What she's done has shown you this but you don't/won't listen.

Guess what you're kids have seen this but they only care about what they want. You or your needs and life don't matter much.

Continue to live as she wants or maybe WAKE UP and have a life. This is abuse and people treat you as you let them. This 5 years is all on you sport. Anyone with any common sense whatsoever would know better.

So you either find your manhood and move on with your life like everyone else does or continue to "dance puppet dance"!!!!

Read up you need it
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=7u6NxlYvG5QuVxhipfZoa7wfaJ8-


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## EunuchMonk

I know you have been with this woman for a while and you two have a lot of shared moments in life. I think that is what us posters forget sometimes when reading characters on an electronic screen (or is it digital?). So while someone outside of the situation can look and make a quick decisive choice, it isn't as easy for the one in the midst of the storm.

But the general consensus is right I think. Your wife is miserable. She will constantly be chasing something that she can't find in herself: Happiness. She may have gotten the idea from T.V. or friends. Wherever! But reality is no match for fantasy. The fantasy of living with OM isn't as flighty as the reality of waking up next to him with his morning breath, wax in his eyes, his dirty boxers with skid marks in the hamper, his flesh and blood realness. Rawness.

Now she has made a new fantasy of coming back to you. Oh happy! We will be reunited and be a poster family. Me and hubs will fall madly in love. It'll be like the Notebook! Sigh! As soon as she comes back together with you, she will feel the realness, the rawness, flesh and blood. Again disappointment will dawn on her. Chasing the unicorns is an endless and fruitless chase.

This new girl might be the right way. She might not. That is irrelevant. The point is you are getting back out there. A healthy step in the right direction.


Godspeed, OP.


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## allicantake

EunuchMonk said:


> I know you have been with this woman for a while and you two have a lot of shared moments in life. I think that is what us posters forget sometimes when reading characters on an electronic screen (or is it digital?). So while someone outside of the situation can look and make a quick decisive choice, it isn't as easy for the one in the midst of the storm.
> 
> But the general consensus is right I think. Your wife is miserable. She will constantly be chasing something that she can't find in herself: Happiness. She may have gotten the idea from T.V. or friends. Wherever! But reality is no match for fantasy. The fantasy of living with OM isn't as flighty as the reality of waking up next to him with his morning breath, wax in his eyes, his dirty boxers with skid marks in the hamper, his flesh and blood realness. Rawness.
> 
> Now she has made a new fantasy of coming back to you. Oh happy! We will be reunited and be a poster family. Me and hubs will fall madly in love. It'll be like the Notebook! Sigh! As soon as she comes back together with you, she will feel the realness, the rawness, flesh and blood. Again disappointment will dawn on her. Chasing the unicorns is an endless and fruitless chase.
> 
> This new girl might be the right way. She might not. That is irrelevant. The point is you are getting back out there. A healthy step in the right direction.
> 
> 
> Godspeed, OP.


And you would be right also. I agree with everything you said here. I feel I'm doing what I need by getting back out there. And like you said, this new girl may or may not be the one. But right now, so far, she's been wonderful and that's big for me after what I've been through. I also agree with Marc...he is right too. It's not that I didn't listen though. It's just that my heart, and our past together, wouldn't let me do what I should have done to start with. I might not be where I am now if I had done thing differently. Actually, I know I wouldn't


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## Marc878

allicantake said:


> I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Wife and I were married 21 years before we divorced. She had a 4 month affair 7 years into marriage, then another that led to our divorce. * I always felt we had a good marriage other than the short affair she had early on. *
> 
> She's a serial cheater and you only know the "tip of the iceberg".
> 
> 
> I forgave, never forgot, and moved on. We never really even talked about it when it was over. We didn't fight, there were no addictions, nothing. She says we didn't communicate well enough. I agree that we didn't do all we needed to.
> 
> Obviously she didn't tell you it was an open marriage on her end. DNA your kids!!!
> No marriage is perfect and she isn't either. Did you go out and cheat on her because of her imperfections?
> 
> We have 3 children aged 16, 13, and 7. We got married in 1992 and divorced in 2013. The last affair started on facebook and was a whirlwind. I suspected her around Christmas 2011 and found proof in February. She swore to end it with him but never did. He bought a house for them in the town where we live and she moved out in November 2012.
> 
> I read every book I could read, every website, every blog. She was so in love with him that nothing would stop her.
> 
> You didn't learn a thing. You can't make her do anything but you should have fixed yourself. Codependency will destroy you.
> 
> I filed but postponed the divorce 3 times because she said she didn't want to lose our family and wanted to reconcile. She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years. She's said that she'll be home on this day or that day probably a thousand times. Every time there's an excuse why she didn't leave him. She's never stopped saying that she loves me and only me. Says she made the biggest mistake of her life. Says there's been no sex between them for over 2 years :bsflag: She has promised to do everything we could ever need to reconcile but always adds "when I get back home" to the end. So, I've been on this rollercoaster from hell for over 5 years. Now for me....I have not dated anyone since the divorce.
> 
> Cheaters lie a lot in case you haven't figured that out yet. Her actions are what count and she's still there with him isn't she? You are being played for a fool and allowing it to happen. You ok with that for another 5 or 10 years? Huh?
> 
> I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this.
> 
> Probably relishes in seeing you alone and under her total control. I'd bet she and her other man have had many laughs over you and how she's able to play you so well.
> 
> We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things
> 
> ReRead your post and pretend it's your brother or a close friend. What would you think?
> 
> *Time for you to WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!!
> *
> .


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## Marc878

allicantake said:


> And you would be right also. I agree with everything you said here. I feel I'm doing what I need by getting back out there. And like you said, this new girl may or may not be the one. But right now, so far, she's been wonderful and that's big for me after what I've been through. I also agree with Marc...he is right too. It's not that I didn't listen though. It's just that my heart, and our past together, wouldn't let me do what I should have done to start with. I might not be where I am now if I had done thing differently. Actually, I know I wouldn't


Beware of rebounds but you have been separated/divorced for a long time so it shouldn't be as much of a problem for you. However, if you do too much in any relationship you can get taken advantage of and it will cause a loss of respect. If you don't fix that it can happen again. Do and expect a balance of @ 50/50.

*This is important so you need to listen. No other woman is going to want a relationship with you if your X is in the mix. Go a hard 180 no contact except for the kids. Never answer her calls direct. only respond to emails or texts that pertain to your kids. Keep those short and civil. Cut out any chit chat sessions. If you don't this will destroy any future relationships. This will also give you the ability to move on like she has and finally see who she really is.*

Her emails to you are just an EA with you. Her other man doesn't know. She's cheating on him just like she did you. You have nor does anyone else have any future with this horrid woman.


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## Marc878

allicantake said:


> She has always said she was leaving him and coming home through email. *Yes, email is the only communication she uses with me and has been for about 4 years.* She's said that she'll be home on this day or
> .


Yep, her other man doesn't know!!!! Do the poor slob a favor and send him your wife's emails to you. 

Like I said "serial cheater"!!!!!


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## allicantake

Marc878 said:


> Yep, her other man doesn't know!!!! Do the poor slob a favor and send him your wife's emails to you.
> 
> Like I said "serial cheater"!!!!!


No he doesn't know. I've always known she was doing this behind his back. She just turned this around and started cheating on him with me. I thought she was doing it because she realized she wanted me at first. And to be honest, I thought it was kind of sweet revenge at first because she cheated on me with him. Now, I see it just caused things to drag out that should have been over and done long ago. And he blocked me long ago when this started. I tried to tell him what was going on so he blocked all access from me and avoided me. So, he's on his own to figure out life's lessons.


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## Satya

You've heard it all already. I concur with others. 

Best you pack up any of her remaining stuff in your house and rent storage for 1 month. Dump it there. Email her and tell her you'll keep the key at some place she can go collect it (not at the house). She has 1 month to get her stuff or it goes poof. 

No new woman in your life is going to want to see her stuff still at your house. When my H and I were first starting to know each other, he asked if I'd come to his house and cook us a meal sometime. I knew he'd split from his long term gf over a year before but he'd told me tons of her stuff was still in the house. I told him I would not set foot in his house until all her stuff was gone. 

He hired a cleaning crew and 3 days later, her stuff was history.


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## Marc878

allicantake said:


> No he doesn't know. I've always known she was doing this behind his back. She just turned this around and started cheating on him with me. I thought she was doing it because she realized she wanted me at first. And to be honest, I thought it was kind of sweet revenge at first because she cheated on me with him. Now, I see it just caused things to drag out that should have been over and done long ago. And he blocked me long ago when this started. I tried to tell him what was going on so he blocked all access from me and avoided me. So, he's on his own to figure out life's lessons.


Ha!!!! Good one!!! He's in denial. Now you can see where you've been for so long.

Time to bring on the new you. Get moving and never look back on this. You deserve better and there are better out there.


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## SunCMars

Funny thing.....

I sneaked into POSOM's house.

I heard her talking to him. She was telling him that she is almost over her affair partner. That, when she is over him, she will return to OM's bed. 

OM's was begging her to keep her word. Your EXWW was sitting on a chair facing OM. She slowly opened and closed her legs. She continually did this. Under her short skirt she wore no panties.

She tortured the poor guy. And she did it with a crooked smile.


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## Diana7

allicantake said:


> You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.


She has lived with another man for 5 years and she tells YOU that you are throwing it all away???
You must be strong, tell her that the marriage is over and that you have moved on. Stop reading her emails and ask her not to contact you unless its about the children. She is a very manipulative woman who has done NOTHING at all all this time to show you she is in anyway changed. If she comes back it will be more of the same over and over. 
Even if this lady doesnt work out, you must be allowed to move on and she is keeping you on a hook right now.


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## Marc878

Read up and apply it if you want a better future

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=Tclk3n7UFS2.24g1glsduMFyNjg-


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## Stillasamountain

allicantake said:


> She has always promised me she was coming home where she belonged, but like I said, she never has and is there as I type this. I suggested she end contact with him, find a place to rent for her and the kids, and show me she is worthy of considering this again, but she says she doesn't have a place to go. She says she wants to tell OM and come straight here from his house.



You are the love of her life but she has limited all contact with you to email for 4 years? Uh huh. Does she really believe that? More importantly, do you? Because she's either bat**** crazy or ghastly cruel in her actions.

Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about your situation? I'll give you props for (eventually) divorcing but healthy people don't put up with this level of gaslighting. She needs to be excised from your mental and emotional landscape.


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## allicantake

Diana7 said:


> She has lived with another man for 5 years and she tells YOU that you are throwing it all away???
> You must be strong, tell her that the marriage is over and that you have moved on. Stop reading her emails and ask her not to contact you unless its about the children. She is a very manipulative woman who has done NOTHING at all all this time to show you she is in anyway changed. If she comes back it will be more of the same over and over.
> Even if this lady doesnt work out, you must be allowed to move on and she is keeping you on a hook right now.


Yes, she said those exact words to me, but came back quickly with she wouldn't blame for anything because I've been so good to her.


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## allicantake

Stillasamountain said:


> You are the love of her life but she has limited all contact with you to email for 4 years? Uh huh. Does she really believe that? More importantly, do you? Because she's either bat**** crazy or ghastly cruel in her actions.
> 
> Have you ever talked to a counselor or other professional about your situation? I'll give you props for (eventually) divorcing but healthy people don't put up with this level of gaslighting. She needs to be excised from your mental and emotional landscape.


I don't know if she really believes that or not. I KNOW I don't. During this 5 years, I would ask why she was with OM if she's always felt all this love for me and our family. She has always said it was fear. Fear of what might happen if she left OM. Fear of what he might do. She would say "Haven't you watched those movies where the guy flips out when the woman leaves". So, I would ask if she felt he was dangerous because the kids don't need to be around that. She would always respond with no, he would never touch the kids....I just don't know what he would do to me. Says she's always felt trapped like a woman in an abusive relationship only she says he's NEVER been abusive. Says she just knows he gets loud when arguing. Heck, she's even told me she hates him. Thought she loved him in the beginning but hasn't in years.

I just heard last week that she was at a funeral for a member of his family. She was with OM there. I was told they sure act like they care about each other and that OM treats her like a princess. But of course she denies even going to the funeral....says OM didn't even go. Thing is this OM is distant kin to me, so this lady that passed away was my Dad's 1st cousin. My Dad was asked to be the minister at the funeral. He had to decline because of the feelings about all this.


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## EunuchMonk

allicantake said:


> I don't know if she really believes that or not. I KNOW I don't. During this 5 years, I would ask why she was with OM if she's always felt all this love for me and our family. She has always said it was fear. Fear of what might happen if she left OM. Fear of what he might do. She would say "Haven't you watched those movies where the guy flips out when the woman leaves". So, I would ask if she felt he was dangerous because the kids don't need to be around that. She would always respond with no, he would never touch the kids....I just don't know what he would do to me. Says she's always felt trapped like a woman in an abusive relationship only she says he's NEVER been abusive. Says she just knows he gets loud when arguing. Heck, she's even told me she hates him. Thought she loved him in the beginning but hasn't in years.
> 
> I just heard last week that she was at a funeral for a member of his family. She was with OM there. I was told they sure act like they care about each other and that OM treats her like a princess. But of course she denies even going to the funeral....says OM didn't even go. Thing is this OM is distant kin to me, so this lady that passed away was my Dad's 1st cousin. My Dad was asked to be the minister at the funeral. He had to decline because of the feelings about all this.


Wow, your wife is a hot mess right now.


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## allicantake

EunuchMonk said:


> Wow, your wife is a hot mess right now.


EX wife, but yes that's an understatement to take all understatements


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## allicantake

I think she needs to get away from everyone and live her life on her own for a while with just the kids. She's never going to know who she really is or what she wants in her life until she does that. This running from one man to another, one house to another, searching for whatever it is she's looking for is never gonna work out. She has to find herself and learn to love herself before she's going to be able to even consider loving someone else the right way. But she doesn't want to do that....she wants to just come back here and promise to do anything and everything we could ever want or need to reconcile. If she'd said this in the very beginning of all this, and actually did what she said she would, it would be different. But 5+ years......something's not even close to being right.

She thinks I've met someone else and want to try with someone I don't even know instead of trying with her that I spent most all my adult life with. She thinks I've already fallen for the other woman. That's not really what's going on though. I have been alone all this time, trying to salvage our relationship. What really happened is that I'm starting to realize that there's life out there after divorce. That there's other women that might be interested in a 44 year old divorced Dad with 3 kids. This woman has already shown me that there is happiness to be had when I felt I'd always be alone.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Brother, there are things that hurt us that are not in our control and we must learn to understand ourselves and how those circumstances guide us to accept such things as simply life's challenges and a path to self-governing terms of such suffering.

Then there is where you find yourself today.

5 years you have wandered this emotional desert and you have finally found a small oasis and taken a small sip of refreshing, life-giving connectivity of someone who truly may care for you, yet you look back to the desert because it is all you remember having known, and in that knowing that it easily leads to certain death in time, most likely suffering and alone.

There are many things that we don’t want to come about but have to accept, people we think we can’t live without but need to let go. We don't want these lessons, but learning them needs to happen to remove those thing that hurt us as we forget the pain but remembering that which brought it so we do not walk that path to the desert again.

Time to stop worrying about what your ex thinks and feels about you... the desert really doesn't care about your feelings as you suffer in it... it is about the conditions it balances in it's heart... welcoming in all it needs to keep itself healthy in it's own ecosystem and what doesn't fit... dies.

Simply, you do not fit and the result is obvious.

Regain your strength at your oasis... you truly fit much better there and survival depends on it. As your thirst is quenched and your dehydration subsides, your mirages will lesson and the path you need out of the desert will become clear.

Lead your children...


----------



## Diana7

allicantake said:


> I don't know if she really believes that or not. I KNOW I don't. During this 5 years, I would ask why she was with OM if she's always felt all this love for me and our family. She has always said it was fear. Fear of what might happen if she left OM. Fear of what he might do. She would say "Haven't you watched those movies where the guy flips out when the woman leaves". So, I would ask if she felt he was dangerous because the kids don't need to be around that. She would always respond with no, he would never touch the kids....I just don't know what he would do to me. Says she's always felt trapped like a woman in an abusive relationship only she says he's NEVER been abusive. Says she just knows he gets loud when arguing. Heck, she's even told me she hates him. Thought she loved him in the beginning but hasn't in years.
> 
> I just heard last week that she was at a funeral for a member of his family. She was with OM there. I was told they sure act like they care about each other and that OM treats her like a princess. But of course she denies even going to the funeral....says OM didn't even go. Thing is this OM is distant kin to me, so this lady that passed away was my Dad's 1st cousin. My Dad was asked to be the minister at the funeral. He had to decline because of the feelings about all this.


She is telling you what she wants you to hear. This nonsense about her being afraid of leaving is clearly an excuse. The marriage is over and the only contact you need now is specifically do with the children and nothing more. 
I think you need to stop responding to her at all.


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## allicantake

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Brother, there are things that hurt us that are not in our control and we must learn to understand ourselves and how those circumstances guide us to accept such things as simply life's challenges and a path to self-governing terms of such suffering.
> 
> Then there is where you find yourself today.
> 
> 5 years you have wandered this emotional desert and you have finally found a small oasis and taken a small sip of refreshing, life-giving connectivity of someone who truly may care for you, yet you look back to the desert because it is all you remember having known, and in that knowing that it easily leads to certain death in time, most likely suffering and alone.
> 
> There are many things that we don’t want to come about but have to accept, people we think we can’t live without but need to let go. We don't want these lessons, but learning them needs to happen to remove those thing that hurt us as we forget the pain but remembering that which brought it so we do not walk that path to the desert again.
> 
> Time to stop worrying about what your ex thinks and feels about you... the desert really doesn't care about your feelings as you suffer in it... it is about the conditions it balances in it's heart... welcoming in all it needs to keep itself healthy in it's own ecosystem and what doesn't fit... dies.
> 
> Simply, you do not fit and the result is obvious.
> 
> Regain your strength at your oasis... you truly fit much better there and survival depends on it. As your thirst is quenched and your dehydration subsides, your mirages will lesson and the path you need out of the desert will become clear.
> 
> Lead your children...


Wow. That is exactly how I feel right now.


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## Emerging Buddhist

allicantake said:


> Wow. That is exactly how I feel right now.


Your oasis has been filled by things in motion you perhaps cannot see right now, but they nonetheless exist for a reason, squander them not.

Then trust yourself... I would say you have wandered enough.

Peace be with you as you enjoy life refreshed.


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## allicantake

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Your oasis has been filled by things in motion you perhaps cannot see right now, but they nonetheless exist for a reason, squander them not.
> 
> Then trust yourself... I would say you have wandered enough.
> 
> Peace be with you as you enjoy life refreshed.


Thank you


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## Marc878

Under no circumstances do you let her back in your home. You've wasted way to much time on this already. You're still young and can have a good life but it won't be possible going in that direction.

Make sure you change the locks if you haven't.

If need be file and RO on her but get those boundaries in place.

Hopefully she won't show up this weekend.

She's not your problem anymore. 

Maybe have a talk with your kids. Something along the lines of "to much damage" not going through it again, etc. I'm assuming they know how this all transpired.


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## Marc878

Cut out email replies unless it's child related only!!!!!

Might be a good idea to tell her the boundaries going forward and you will never allow her back, etc. be FIRM but civil


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## allicantake

Marc878 said:


> Under no circumstances do you let her back in your home. You've wasted way to much time on this already. You're still young and can have a good life but it won't be possible going in that direction.
> 
> Make sure you change the locks if you haven't.
> 
> If need be file and RO on her but get those boundaries in place.
> 
> Hopefully she won't show up this weekend.
> 
> She's not your problem anymore.
> 
> Maybe have a talk with your kids. Something along the lines of "to much damage" not going through it again, etc. I'm assuming they know how this all transpired.


Oh yes, my kids know EVERYTHING. She put them smack in the middle of this from the start by meeting him while they were with her. I even got video early on from a PI that showed all my kids with my then wife and the OM. Also, they live in the house he bought with my XW all week. I have already talked to them about this. Yesterday, actually. And no, she hasn't shown up. She's just doing the same thing she's done for 5 years.....saying she'll be home this weekend with no real intent to do it. I just threw a wrench in her usual routine by telling her I'd met someone this weekend.


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## Síocháin

There is an email option. It's called SPAM or JUNK whichever is relevant to you. I would suggest you use it. Send a final email stating you will no longer be corresponding with her unless it is child related. When she replies, don't even open it. Mark it spam or junk and send them there. Please stop replying to this woman. This is wrong on so many levels. Just move ahead with your life. As another poster stated, no woman is going to want to be with someone who has a relationship with his ex like you do. There is no room as long as you keep this up.


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## turnera

allicantake said:


> You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.


So what?


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## GusPolinski

Oh FFS.

Cut your ex out of your life to the furthest degree possible, and do it NOW.

Unfriend and block her on any and all social media.

Redirect her emails to a specific folder nested in your inbox, and check the folder ONLY when she has the kids. Reply to noting that doesn't explicitly concern the kids.

If she keeps up the "when I come home" bull****, attach the following to your emails as a signature of sorts...

"You're not 'coming home'.

We've divorced.

We're done.

We're over.

As a serial wayward, you no longer have any value to me as a spouse.

In fact, there is no place for you anywhere in my life other than as a co-parent to our children, and once we've seen that task through to each of their adulthoods, that will also be over.

I've moved on.

You should too."

On a side note, it's pretty likely that she had other affairs that you never discovered.


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## Lostinthought61

All, don't you think its time to take back your life and get your groove back....she is one hell of a cake eater if ever i seen one...i am honestly surprised you put up with this for 5 years....i realize your patience man but, my god sir, let's face it don't you think you deserve a relationship with an honest and loving partner?


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## Cynthia

From what you have posted, it seems that you would really like for your wife to be a loving, faithful wife, and a good, stable mother to your children within the family. But you know that’s not going to happen, which is why you divorced her. However, you have continued to have hope based on her empty promises over the years.

She has told you why she is doing this. It’s because she’s afraid. She wants to make sure that she has an out if she needs it. In her mind, you are that out.

How we know that someone is telling the truth is if their words, actions, and attitudes all match seamlessly. This is not what is happening with her. She has told you that her main concern is that she has not place to go if you don’t take her back. But it’s over between you and has been for years. She is living in a fantasy land where she sees you as an option. Blow that up for her.

You want to move on – right? You have done all the work and seen nothing for it, now your ex is trying to make you feel bad for looking for love. News Flash: She left you. You have been divorced for almost four years and separated for five years. You have no relationship together anymore. You are just her failsafe. 

It doesn't matter what she thinks or feels. She has not followed through and now she is trying to stop you from moving on. She has had you in her back pocket. She has shown nothing that indicates there has been any real, serious, or permanent change of heart on her behalf. Let her go and move forward.

Tell her that you are through with her and moving on. From now on you don't want to have any personal conversations with her. The only communication will be about the children. The two of you have been over for a long time and you want her to immediately stop bothering you.

Do not respond to anything that isn’t child related. Just ignore it as if she never said or wrote it. If she escalates, continue to ignore her. Eventually she’s get the point. It may take a while, because you’ve enabled her thinking for so long.

Please make a decision to let go of your dreams of a healthy family with her. Let those dreams go. Let her go. You decide. Say it aloud and then move on.


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## golfpanther

Man, 5 years and still being strung along. I can understand you wanting things to be healthy and happy with her but from what you've written, it's never going to happen.

I mean, she lied about going to a funeral with the OM. She sounds pathological.

As another poster stated, you need to discover what the parameters of a healthy relationship can be. The problem is, the high-level of dysfunction in your former marriage is making that difficult for you. I'd imagine that the drama you experienced in it, and after it ended, feels safe and almost like a drug to you. I felt the same way about my soon to be over marriage. If there wasn't something to fix or conflict it felt somehow more unstable. It's what happens when people grow accustomed to volatility.

You being open reconciliation has nothing to do with her, the person she was or the person she is now. It has everything to do with returning to what you feel is familiar and safe. Not safe in a literal sense, but rather it makes you feel like life is operating as it should—no matter how messed up the situation really is.

She cheated at least twice, lied about, lied and continues to lie about anything that might challenge the narrative she's crafting for you and only wanted to jump back in once she felt the threads coming apart due to you going out for a date; one date in 5 years! Send an email telling her it's over in as short and congenial way as possible and then only talk to her about your kids.


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## WorkingWife

allicantake said:


> You are exactly right. I KNOW this. She has been fine for 5 years while I did everything I could to try to save our family and salvage our relationship. As soon as I meet someone, it hits the fan. Now I'm the one throwing everything away to try with someone I don't even know, according to her.


Exactly. She does not love you, she just enjoys having you hanging by a thread begging for crumbs from her. 

BTW, the fact that she only contacts you through email yet insists she loves you is beyond bizarre.

Regardless, do not let this woman back into your life and don't say or do anything to give your son any hope. His feelings are normal but you need to gently yet FIRMLY shut the door on any hope he has of reconciliation. He is going through the same uncertainty and torment you are if you're giving him any reason to hope you may reconcile. That is not right. (Even if you are willing to put up with how she has treated you, how can you let her string your son along like that?)


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## bankshot1993

Dude, tear the damn band aid off already, seriously. Do you have even one shred of dignity left.

I don't see how it is that you haven't changed your email address and moved on with your life. I would probably be tempted to send a copy of the emails to her current spouse so he knows what a piece of work she is and just where it is that he ranks in her world.

Why on earth would her coming back home even be an option. The first time that I got an email like that I would have responded back with a quick "like hell you are" and been done with it from there.

You are being played for a fool. Her and her new spouse are sitting there laughing at you are you just sit there pathetically clinging on to hope that she may throw you a table scrap.

I don't think I've ever put this in a response because it isn't often a phrase that I support or condone but in this case it can't be avoided, grow a pair.

I've got news for you, nobody finds weakness attractive. sitting around pining for lost love when she has been with another man for 5 years is beyond weak. Stop throwing your life away on somebody that clearly isn't worth it.


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## Maylissa

One thing I've learned from past relationships... Is the way we react to rejection. Please dnt be offended by wat I am saying bcs i am not putting u down in any way. In fact, I admire your determination to make things work for the sake of your children;family.
On the other hand, (speaking from experience) the minute we feel rejected and possibly replaced (especially by sum1we care for deeply) we often find ourselves more determined to be with that person (the one who left us, rejected us etc) and more determined to make it work. 
You forgave ur partner for cheating on u the 1st time. And I no that took a lot for u to do. But then she did it again? And to make matters worse she moved on with him. Nobody wants to feel replaced especially by someone u love and trusted.
You sound like u have your head on straight. U sound like a great guy and a great father. U deserve to be with someone who appreciates you. 
My children are ages 14, 10, 8 & 7. And they observe everything. They don't miss a beat. My point being, ur children are ur world. Uve said it and we believe it. In other words, Ur children know a lot more than u probably think. So really evauate ur situation. Honestly, what advice would u give them if they were much older of course and in your shoes? 
Your ex felt rejection so yes she's gonna wanna come back home and she probably sounded more convincing this time then ever b4. And thats bcs she finally felt wat you've been feeling for far to long. If the 2of u are meant to be then you'll be. But Dnt wait for her. I've waited long enuff. Enjoy urself, go on that other date. And good luck


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## 3Xnocharm

She is a worthless POS human being.... LET HER GO.


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## Cynthia

@allicantake How's it going? What did you decide to do?


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## allicantake

CynthiaDe said:


> @allicantake How's it going? What did you decide to do?


I spent all day yesterday on a second date with the woman I met. We had a wonderful time. I feel so at peace with her. She is a very intelligent person and told me that she knows that my ex is holding me down. Said she wanted to spend time with me and that she really likes me, but I need to do what is best for me and my family. She said if I let my ex come back to please just text her, that she didn't think she could handle talking about it. She got emotional, as did I. I want to know this woman so badly. She has already made me happier than I have been in a VERY long time. But, of course, she wants all of me, and rightfully so. I have told my ex that I think there's been too much damage to recover from, too many years of hurt, and I cannot make promises that we would ever make it even if we tried. I've prayed about it and spent countless hours just thinking about the "what if's". I've thought about my kids so much. My Dad is a preacher and an amazing man in every aspect. He believes in marriage and reconciliation totally. He said, son, I will support any decision you make in this, but there's no way I could take her back if I was in your shoes. The biggest thing for me is living in constant worry if this will ever happen again. Trust. I know what my ex is capable of as I lived through it 3 times.


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## browser

allicantake said:


> I spent all day yesterday on a second date with the woman I met.
> 
> She said if I let my ex come back to please just text her, that she didn't think she could handle talking about it. She got emotional, as did I.
> 
> But, of course, she wants all of me, and rightfully so.


I'm sorry I read that as "second date" not "20th date". Either my eyes are going or you have a typo there.


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## allicantake

browser said:


> I'm sorry I read that as "second date" not "20th date". Either my eyes are going or you have a typo there.


No, you read right. It's not what you're thinking though. I've seen her several times, I just classify yesterday as a planned outing....a date. There's a LONG, LONG way to go for either of us if we continue to see each other. We have just been hanging out as friends and having a good time, trying to learn who each other is. There's a connection, I'm just not sure how much yet, and it will take time, A lot of time, to learn it. I'm in no hurry and neither is she. We just enjoy the company.


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## browser

Go slow. Otherwise what might be a good thing will spread like a wildfire and burn out just as quickly.


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## mr man

Do yourself a favor and move on - she's playing with you , she will hurt you again - she is not made for a relationship and has issues whether it's immaturity or simply loves to play with men's hearts. Move on my friend, ignore her emails. Life is short to spend it trying to repair a broken woman. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## allicantake

browser said:


> Go slow. Otherwise what might be a good thing will spread like a wildfire and burn out just as quickly.


Oh yes, we are. We've talked about it and just want to see where it leads. It might lead to something....it might not. I just know I'm having a good time, laughing, and enjoying life for the first time in a long time. But, like I said, there's no hurry for either of us.


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## allicantake

mr man said:


> Do yourself a favor and move on - she's playing with you , she will hurt you again - she is not made for a relationship and has issues whether it's immaturity or simply loves to play with men's hearts. Move on my friend, ignore her emails. Life is short to spend it trying to repair a broken woman.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And I'm trying to do just that. Here's the issue....I've always tried to do the right thing in life, whether it's been about me, my marriage, my kids, or anything else. I can't lie, it's eats me up inside to even try. I just don't want to get months or years down the road and wish I'd have done something differently. Just a fault of mine....instead of just living life and enjoying it. I loved my ex wife as much as any man has ever loved a woman, there's no doubt. It absolutely destroyed me when she cheated any and all of the 3 times. It's taken me 5 years this time to just start to get straightened out and enjoy life again. The woman I met has helped tremendously with that. In knowing this, I also know what it would do to me and my children to go through this again after I put my heart back out there to my ex wife. That is what scares me the most, and I don't think I could ever keep from having that feeling. That's no way to have a healthy relationship as you can never completely open your heart to your partner.


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## mr man

allicantake said:


> And I'm trying to do just that. Here's the issue....I've always tried to do the right thing in life, whether it's been about me, my marriage, my kids, or anything else. I can't lie, it's eats me up inside to even try. I just don't want to get months or years down the road and wish I'd have done something differently. Just a fault of mine....instead of just living life and enjoying it. I loved my ex wife as much as any man has ever loved a woman, there's no doubt. It absolutely destroyed me when she cheated any and all of the 3 times. It's taken me 5 years this time to just start to get straightened out and enjoy life again. The woman I met has helped tremendously with that. In knowing this, I also know what it would do to me and my children to go through this again after I put my heart back out there to my ex wife. That is what scares me the most, and I don't think I could ever keep from having that feeling. That's no way to have a healthy relationship as you can never completely open your heart to your partner.[/I know it's easier said than done but you must move on. Even if she comes home it will never be a good relationship since she can't be trusted. Find a way to get over her and move on. She is broken and it's not your job to fix her. You work on yourself and seek happiness my friend.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lostinthought61

ALL,

the problem as i see it, is that your vision is one of love and compassion and your ex's vision is one of control and selfishness....those two vision can not be supported in the same household....listen to your father and move on....i suspect that your vision lies closer...much much closer to your lady friend than does your ex. what you love was the woman you married all those years ago, what you see today is the woman she has become and not for the better....don't you owe to your children to show them and demonstrate what a good relationship looks like.....if you go back to your ex, all you are doing is showing your kids that it is okay to cheat and manipulate because there are no repercussions...i don't know about you but as a father of 4 girls that is not the life lesson i want them to see. Choose wisely


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## Jessica38

allicantake said:


> ...I have not dated anyone since the divorce. I've always wanted my family back and been willing to work it out with her. I have always loved her and would have jumped at the chance. She knows this. We share joint custody, I work all week and keep my kids every weekend. She doesn't work so she has all week when the kids are in school plus weekends to herself. Makes it hard for me to do much at all, I'm a Dad first and want my kids to know that. Ok....last week I finally get the courage to put myself out there to see what happens. I meet someone and have been out with her once so far. She has been really great and we both have expressed interest in taking things farther to see where they lead. She's divorced also and doesn't want to get hurt, neither do I. My problem is that my ex told me again last night she was coming home this weekend. Granted, she probably wouldn't have, but I told her I was seeing someone. This took things to a whole new level. Now she says she's ready to do anything and is begging me to let her come home. She still lives with the man she had the affair with. I don't want to make a mistake here and look back and wish I had done something different. My heart is telling me to keep seeing the new woman but what if my ex is sincere now? I know I'll get blasted for even considering my ex, but I can handle it. I need affirmation I'm doing the right things.


You sound like someone who took his marital vows very seriously and wanted nothing more than to keep his family together. You're a catch- and your x wife knows it. Why she threw it away is beyond me, but you deserve happiness. I'd take some time to really think about what you want. You want to do right by your kids and there is no shame in that. Your wife screwed up big time and she knows it. If you are considering giving your x wife another chance, I'd tell her you'll consider it when she is single, living alone (no OM), and is willing to date you for a year. Let her know you'll be dating too. That's your right as a divorced man. Tell your kids that you are going to give it everything you've got, but you need to make sure their mom will not hurt you again. And give it a year to see if she can prove to you she's worth it. In the meantime, she runs the risk of you getting closer to someone else, but that's what happens when you leave your husband.


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## allicantake

Jessica38 said:


> You sound like someone who took his marital vows very seriously and wanted nothing more than to keep his family together. You're a catch- and your x wife knows it. Why she threw it away is beyond me, but you deserve happiness. I'd take some time to really think about what you want. You want to do right by your kids and there is no shame in that. Your wife screwed up big time and she knows it. If you are considering giving your x wife another chance, I'd tell her you'll consider it when she is single, living alone (no OM), and is willing to date you for a year. Let her know you'll be dating too. That's your right as a divorced man. Tell your kids that you are going to give it everything you've got, but you need to make sure their mom will not hurt you again. And give it a year to see if she can prove to you she's worth it. In the meantime, she runs the risk of you getting closer to someone else, but that's what happens when you leave your husband.


You're exactly right, I took my marriage vows seriously. I was young, 18, but I meant what I said that evening in 1992. Yes, I want to do right by my kids.....I love them more than anything. I told my ex to move out of OM house, I'd even help her find a place, and show me she could actually do it. Then we can work on dating again and see how things proceed. She doesn't work, so she says she has no place to go and wants to come here. She wants to leave OM house and come straight here, and that will eliminate any dating for me other than her. She wants it all right from the get-go, and I'm having a really hard time promising that. It leaves no options because I wouldn't put my kids through this again for anything, nor do I want to. If she could move out, it would be different, but as it is, that's not an option in her eyes.


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## Jessica38

Good for you, sounds like you are handling everything correctly. I'd explain that there is no way you can have her move back into the family home but you will help her find a place and consider dating her if she is willing to do the hard work of proving herself to you. I'd let her know that this will take at least a year. And I'd explain this to your kids as well, especially your son who is having the hardest time. Let him know that this is for everyone's safety. That sometimes adults make mistakes and that you care for his mom but you need to know that she can prove that she's learned from her mistakes before you can trust her again.

You sound like a truly devoted man. You deserve a committed, faithful wife.


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## Marc878

allicantake said:


> You're exactly right, I took my marriage vows seriously. I was young, 18, but I meant what I said that evening in 1992. *Yes, I want to do right by my kids.....I love them more than anything. *
> 
> Do you think allowing your X to cheat on you so many times and play you for a fool is good for your kids? Is that how you'd like to have seen your father act in your situation?
> 
> I told my ex to move out of OM house, I'd even help her find a place, and show me she could actually do it. Then we can work on dating again and see how things proceed. She doesn't work, so she says she has no place to go and wants to come here. She wants to leave OM house and come straight here, and that will eliminate any dating for me other than her.
> 
> What have you learned from the last 5 years? Anything?
> 
> She wants it all right from the get-go, and I'm having a really hard time promising that. It leaves no options because I wouldn't put my kids through this again for anything, nor do I want to. If she could move out, it would be different, but as it is, that's not an option in her eyes.
> 
> It was and still is all about her. You and the kids don't matter much. After all she's put you through you still can't/won't see it. You are about to get played again.


Your other woman will not be around long because you still allow your X in the mix. You are to weak to let go no matter how much your X rubs your nose in it. No woman is going to want half a man which is what you are at this time. I suspect you'll lose both by your actions.

*Better wake the hell up. If you're smart.*


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## Marc878

Jessica38 said:


> Good for you, sounds like you are handling everything correctly. I'd explain that there is no way you can have her move back into the family home but you will help her find a place and consider dating her if she is willing to do the hard work of proving herself to you. I'd let her know that this will take at least a year. And I'd explain this to your kids as well, especially your son who is having the hardest time. Let him know that this is for everyone's safety. That sometimes adults make mistakes and that you care for his mom but you need to know that she can prove that she's learned from her mistakes before you can trust her again.
> 
> *You sound like a truly devoted man.* You deserve a committed, faithful wife.


sounds like codependency to me.


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## Marc878

Cut off any unecessary contact with your X and move on with your life like you should have done 5 years ago.

The X's affairs were all on her how you've bungled this nightmare is all on you.

At this time you are the biggest problem not our X.

At least give your kids a father can look up to and have some respect for.

They are your kids and deserve for you to stand up for yourself.

Your father has wisdom. Use it.


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## snerg

OMG.

I had to skip ahead for fear of my head exploding.

Dude.

WHY ARE YOU SKATING UPHILL!?!

She has put you through the proverbial wringer!

1) IC- you need to get someone to help you with your issues with your ex. You allow her to treat you like poop and keep asking for more. That's not healthy

2) NC - No contact with her that isn't about the kids. E-mails - disregard anything that trails off form the kids. Talking, if it's not about the kids - "Okay I have to go now" and hang up or leave.

3) Eliminate this drama from your life. You sound like she has you so wound up that you're going to pop. Stop the drama. Drop her. She's your ex, get her off that warped pedestal you have her on


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## bandit.45

allicantake said:


> All the replies are exactly what I thought. I only told her I was seeing someone because she told me she was packing her stuff and coming home. I figured it was the easiest way to tell her. My kids really want us together, especially my son. He has had a really hard time with all this. I've done my best to help him with it, but he says he wants dad and mom together. That's really hard on me, but it scares me to death that he might have to go through it again if she came back. Divorced since 2013 and still in this mess. Geez, I have really handled this wrong. I wish I hadn't done all the wrong things early in this.


Kids don't get t make make decisions about the family getting back together. You are the adult. You choose what is best, and getting back together with this cheating, lying snake of a woman is not in their best interest. 

Good grief. This woman has castrated you.


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## Tobyboy

Is it even your ex that's emailing you? Has she spoken those words to your face these past five years?


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## ZedZ

bankshot1993 said:


> Dude, tear the damn band aid off already, seriously. Do you have even one shred of dignity left.
> 
> I don't see how it is that you haven't changed your email address and moved on with your life. I would probably be tempted to send a copy of the emails to her current spouse so he knows what a piece of work she is and just where it is that he ranks in her world.
> 
> Why on earth would her coming back home even be an option. The first time that I got an email like that I would have responded back with a quick "like hell you are" and been done with it from there.
> 
> You are being played for a fool. Her and her new spouse are sitting there laughing at you are you just sit there pathetically clinging on to hope that she may throw you a table scrap.
> 
> I don't think I've ever put this in a response because it isn't often a phrase that I support or condone but in this case it can't be avoided, grow a pair.
> 
> I've got news for you, nobody finds weakness attractive. sitting around pining for lost love when she has been with another man for 5 years is beyond weak. Stop throwing your life away on somebody that clearly isn't worth it.


I'll second this....it's well said...you look weak from the outside and her side....sometimes you have to "man up" even if your not exactly sure what it is....you can't let her interfere with your social life and dating in the future...Sorry to be so blunt but....


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## Cynthia

You're a Christian - right? Do you think that God hates divorce and you should do whatever you can to restore your marriage? If this what you think, read this article. I think it will shed some light on the subject. 
https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2013/10/24/god-hates-divorce-not-always/

Your father realizes that due to the divorce the marriage is over. You are no longer united to your ex-wife. She broke the marriage covenant with adultery and you are no longer bound to her. Walk in freedom, not bondage.


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## jb02157

The best thing for you is the let your wife go. Don't talk to her anymore. You've given her way too many chances already. She adds no value to the family being a worthless SAHM. All she wants is someone to pay her way. Let the OM do it. Spend all you time and all your thoughts on your new relationship.


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## Steve1000

allicantake said:


> She doesn't work, so she says she has no place to go and wants to come here. .


You're so close to finally being free of this nightmare. If you take the final step, you'll finally have a chance at some happiness and you finally have some self pride. The only thing worse for your life would be if your ex-wife actually did come back. Fortunately for you, she's not actually coming back. She has this sick pleasure of watching you from a distance wasting your life away pining for her. If she cared about you, she would not have made so many broken promises to you promising to come back to you. She's very cruel and self-centered.


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## Spicy

You are a wonderful father, and an amazingly forgiving, patient, loving spouse from the sound of everything. You are still in love with your ex-wife. 

For your children, they don't care what went down, they just want mommy and daddy together. As parents we do anything we can to hold that home life together, and give them that haven we know they all deserve. 

Then one parent shatters it. As the other parent, and as a spouse that has never known an adult life outside of loving this person, you think, "How do I move on?" It seems impossible. You selflessly extend reconciliation. In your case, multiple times. She knows that you are so in love with her. That you want to turn back time and have back the family that was. Yet, she has been given second and third chances, and probably even hundredth and two hundredth chances as far as you listening to the "I'm coming home this weekend" statements. Her words mean so much to you, yet she has showed your for so long that your wants and needs have no importance to her whatsoever. How brutal. 

I agree that you really do need to stop any communicating with her other than strictly to do with the kids, and at that, very minimally. I'm afraid you aren't willing to do that yet. Maybe you won't ever be?

I think it is unfair to romantically bring in another innocent party, if you are still in love with your wife. Yet, I think you may need to date and fall for someone else to finally get over your wife. How can you have both? I guess you have to be very honest (like you have been with second date lady) and go slow and have full disclosure with anyone. I agree with other posters that there are not many women who would be willing to date a man who is still in love with their ex. It's all easy for everyone on an Internet forum to tell you how to feel and what to think and do. Real feelings and emotions are rarely that cut and dry for most of us. Even if we know what we should do on an intellectual level, our hearts are a whole different matter. 

I hope that you can find the right balance so that you can move on with your life, and have a partner that is as loyal as you are. You deserve that, and the time is overdue for it to happen.


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## turnera

Two thoughts. One, it's great for your kids that you spent the last five years not dating. My mom didn't date after my dad left and that was a blessing for me and my self esteem. 

BUT...them seeing you not date and putting two and two together - and remember that, to kids, you and their mom are their universe, so they watch every single move you make, and don't make - and are understanding that you are sitting there, pining away for mommy and mommy not giving you the time of day, until now. Trust me, they'll find all this out. And what are they learning? That men are whipped, women are cruel and selfish and use people, and that is how THEY are going to turn out, because we all turn out like our parents. AND, we end up searching for partners just like the parent who hurt us worse (see the book Getting The Love You Want to understand this). So not only are they getting skewed view of weak men and cruel women, they will end up picking one for their partner - unless YOU step up and show them what a healthy, happy NON-whipped father acts like.


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## Cynthia

turnera said:


> Two thoughts. One, it's great for your kids that you spent the last five years not dating. My mom didn't date after my dad left and that was a blessing for me and my self esteem.
> 
> BUT...them seeing you not date and putting two and two together - and remember that, to kids, you and their mom are their universe, so they watch every single move you make, and don't make - and are understanding that you are sitting there, pining away for mommy and mommy not giving you the time of day, until now. Trust me, they'll find all this out. And what are they learning? That men are whipped, women are cruel and selfish and use people, and that is how THEY are going to turn out, because we all turn out like our parents. AND, we end up searching for partners just like the parent who hurt us worse (see the book Getting The Love You Want to understand this). So not only are they getting skewed view of weak men and cruel women, they will end up picking one for their partner - unless YOU step up and show them what a healthy, happy NON-whipped father acts like.


I agree with half of this. Yes, this is what they will see. However, people do not turn out just like their parents. They may or may not have a different outcome. I do believe that behaviors are passed down from generation to generation, but not always. Sometimes kids see the dysfunction and actively make different choices so they do not turn out the same way. I know a lot of people like that.

However, now is the time to start teaching your children differently. Actively working to teach them healthy relationship principles and habits. It all starts at home. You have the power to teach your children what healthy boundaries look like and how to enforce them in a calm, peaceful, but firm manner. This really is an opportunity for you to shine.

The idea is not not just expect the children to learn from watching, but to actively be involved in teaching them concepts that will help them to be healthy individuals with good boundaries. Not only so they will be healthy, productive members of society, but so they will learn to choose healthy people and to make healthy relationships.


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## jlg07

allicantake said:


> My kids really want us together, especially my son.


You really can't back with such a toxic person just because your kids want you too. Sounds like they don't know all of the details and the level of betrayal that she put you through. How could you ever consider it? The anguish of what you went through comes through clearly in your first post. Enjoy the new woman and go dark with your ex. Just deal with her about the kids. Ignore her for anything else. You need to do this for your own sake.


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## Cynthia

jlg07 said:


> You really can't back with such a toxic person just because your kids want you too. Sounds like they don't know all of the details and the level of betrayal that she put you through. How could you ever consider it? The anguish of what you went through comes through clearly in your first post. Enjoy the new woman and go dark with your ex. Just deal with her about the kids. Ignore her for anything else. You need to do this for your own sake.


Kids want a stable, happy family where their parents love each other and are committed to each other. You can't give your children that life with this woman. She is toxic and unwilling to change.


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