# Getting Over My Sex-addicted, Bipolar "Husband"



## woolgather (Aug 17, 2013)

We had our 5 month wedding anniversary this past week (we’ve known each other for 11 months and have been in a relationship for all of those 11 months). On the day after our 5 month wedding anniversary we were supposed to meet up, but we were both pretty tired. I thought. I was about to meet a friend (which I lied to him about; it was actually an ex of mine, but he had done so many wrongs to me that I decided I’ll do what I want and I thought it was innocent—this is exactly why we didn’t work. After I found out he went to get a handjob at a massage parlor a month into our relationship, I just had no respect for him. It was a mess). Usually he checks up on me when I was out with friends. Nothing this time. So I was highly suspicious. I had access to his bank accounts, phone records (only outgoing calls shown, but stil), and google search history. I saw the google history for escorts. My heart shattered. I hyperventilated. I confirmed all this with the phone records. I had been messaging him all night befire. He ignored me. He claimed he was tired, but that’s what he ended up doing. I called him the next day at work. He acted sweet at first. He said he just slept last night. Then I told him I knew what he did (often times I would pretend that I did, just to test him, but I was confident this time because I had the evidence). And instead of apologizing, he just said that we were done. It was so callous and cowardly. Although we had broken up many, many times that week, we had mutually agreed to continue. I just don’t understand why he would pretend to want to work on things when he had his eyes on prostitutes, which was a huge issue for me. I had become very insecure about it, always checking his records and thinking he was sneaking in a mid-day handjob (as he did one month into our marriage). I will never know everything he did. ‘

I would just like to know how to stop wanting closure FROM HIM, since it is obviously something I need to do myself. I try to break contact, but I have a lot of difficulty with it. Anytime I ask him for answers, the shallowness and coolness of his responses hurts me anymore. I wonder if he looked for a prostituts just so he had something which would assure I’d stay away from him(I can’t verify that he went to a prostitute, though he probably did. And I think he got the $$ by selling our ring. But that is conjecture—I know he tried selling it once before,.Not sure why he didn’t actually do it).

He did this to me once before, the distance and coolness. I’m expecting from him to spiral downward again, since this is how he acts when he is about to, and call me from a mental hospital, begging me back, because he has nothing else in his life. And you know what, I want him to do that, this way I can reject him and maybe he will feel as alone as he has made me. I know that is terrible, but I just feel like I am the only one who is feeling this. He is able to numb himself with prostitutes and alcohol. I’m not even sure if he has to numb himself, though; it just seems like he doesn’t give any care, the prostitutes are just a nice bonus.

I was addicted to him, or as my therapist says, I was addicted to his neediness. I did not feel happy after I saw him; I just wanted more of him, because I felt unhappy with him and my life, but being with him distracted me. So now, like any addiction, I am withdrawing. I can’t help myself from contacting him. I am so curious to see his state of mind. I also feel duped—a second time. He was a great wooer and charmer in the beginning . I feel like it was all a sham, like I said lust and anticipation. He told me, after he broke up with me and ignored me and looked for prostitutes that all he wanted was me and those were ugly habits and impulses. It’s clear to me know that he really is that person. He is an evil monster inside. (claims he didn’t go to a prostitute, though I can never account for the hundreds of dollars he spent that week AND I found one address in the GPS, he claims he didn’t go. Mostly don’t believe, but I don’t want to believe it).

I know the end of this relationship is the best thing that he ever did for me. But I really need to know how to let go. It was crippled with an enormous amount of co-dependency. I am having a hard time wondering how he is and how he is going to behave in the future. How do I stop caring? How do I stop giving a f** about this loser who couldn’t even support us, who was living of his parents’ inheritances? Who wre-e-ecked me (Miley Cyrus you guys hahaha)?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Are you looking for him to explain his behavior in a logical manner rather than giving you excuses? These types do not do that. My first husband was a sex addict and he would do anything with anyone for it and then try to make himself look innocent. He was crafty with words and I wanted to believe he loved me but this is not love. Trust your gut, do not seek him for any reason (not even closure) and move on. Don't question if you did something wrong. These types are hooked and they seek their desires, you were just one of them at some point. Let him go and be thankful it lasted only as long as it did.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

get out and don't look back, change your contact numbers so he cannot emotionally harass you.
you are only 5 mojnths into a marriage - I am30 years in, given my all, I am realising these men don't think the same as normal people - and won't change.
I am in limbo s I am now too dependant on my husband, family life for me has become to complicated to just end things unlinke you, but I can tell you you will never trust, or be able to trust him and will spend years of self doubt, snooping, suspecting and being lied to - I have unearthed so much about my husband - he doesn't know the things I found out, but he too had ben contacting escorts, contact mags, emailing women, all sorts throughout our marriage, at the same time I realise he was half knocking me down to ensure I didn't have the confidence to leave, and half grooming me to go along with his desires pretending it was for me, etc while cheating(in his eyes escorts not cheating) If I had known all this back then - I wouldn't have wasted my life, I may have had a life shard with a man who did have the same values and goals as me and not be here now wondering still if I am being used until he thinks he can go live life how he chooses once all the kids are grown and parents are gone. It is no way to live - go get the life you deserve, soon all respect for this man will be gone and you will feel resentment for lost time


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I have replied in the addiction section of the forum. I think you have this same post in several different places. It might be best to pick one forum spot only. Ask a moderator to remove the other ones and just leave the post in one forum.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Like any addiction, you will just have to white knuckle your way through. It helps if you are able to stand back and see yourself as others may see you. You'd be shocked at what you see. 

Sometimes we have to fake it until we make it. It may take a lot of effort at first to not contact him but after some times goes by it will get a lot easier. Everytime you reach out to him you are only creating new hurts. How does that do you any good? And you are right, closure comes from within. You will never, EVER get it from him. No way, no how. And sometimes you may not get closure at all and you may still have unanswered questions but with time you will not even care as you have moved on with your life. 

Continue seeing your therapist. Take back control of your surroundings and stop letting him in your world. I know it's easier said than done but you need to use this time to focus on getting emotionally healthy. Right now, you are not in a good place. At the end of the day you cannot fix him and it doesn't matter WHY he does the things he does. What matters only is fixing yourself. 

Good luck.


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