# Hi. Introduction post



## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Here is my story, and my problem is really more my mental and physical health than my marriage. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for 38 years, we have grown children and little grandchildren. 

I’ve always struggled a bit with anxiety, but it wasn’t debilitating and I was proud of still having a passionate, romantic marriage. But the last 5 years have been terrible: PTSD from childhood trauma, depression, family deaths, covid and lockdown, and a physical exhaustion the doctor can’t find a reason for. I feel like I fell into a swamp and climbed out a different person - a sick, cranky old woman. I am seeing a therapist, and taking meds, and there has been some improvement, but not as much or as fast as I would hope.

My husband has been great, very supportive. We are still best friends, talk and laugh together, but he has become my caretaker instead of my lover. I can’t pull my weight and I miss the way we used to be together. Sex is down to maybe twice a month. We don’t flirt or act like sweethearts anymore. I don’t blame him; I realize how very much pressure this has put on him, and that the sick woman on the couch is hard to get excited about. Also our adult son lives with us and sleeps in the next room, which is a passion killer. 

Maybe this is as good as it will ever be, and I am grateful for him, but these are not the golden years I envisioned for us. I’m not even 60 yet!


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Welcome😃

I am sure you will find warm, compassionate, insightful and respectful people here to share.
( I am not one ..I am a passerby 😊)

I am really impressed by your social courage in that you share mental health/mood problems.
That is brave but everyone will feel for you even if - so far - many are lucky enough not to know the experience.

I will go and let others welcome you. I have no solutions. It occurs to me you might find a Hungarian/Canadian doctor/psychiatrist interesting if only for diversion. He has a tremendous bedside manner from his experience of his own problems . See Dr. Gabor Mate 






Take care and good luck. These are hard days for some but there are still bright days too.







It might be a challenge to trust his love is there with you if your early experience was difficult ..not my business....it probably is though. Couches connect us. 😊


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Its good that you acknowledge the issue, that is a huge step.

Be careful, my wife has anxiety and the resentment does build.

Are you exercising regularly? I know it is tough to get started, but once you do it can really help.

Have you tried asking to switch meds? Sometimes it takes a couple of months to see the true effect of the meds...


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Prediction: I think you're going to recover, plenty, from all these ailments and you'll feel younger, by quite a bit, than you do now. You're not even 60? You've got a lot left in there, So does he. It just has to be rekindled again. Not fast, just over time, steady. 

You're both going nowhere (hopefully) and you can work toward getting better and improving the love life at the same time. Hint: weight loss is good if there's any issue there and do light exercise like walks is always advised to improve. You'll be surprised.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Thank you all for the welcome!

@Resu I will look into Dr. Mate.

@re16 Are there specific things your wife can do that lessen resentment and perhaps make you feel more romantic towards her? The antidepressant is helping, and as I have a history of bad reactions to medication I am reluctant to mess with it. I’m exercising sporadically, needs improvement, I know.

@rugswept Thanks; that sounds encouraging😊 Yes, I have gained weight. Comfort eating and not enough movement.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Time for Sonny Boy to get his own place, Mom. Look, change is good. It will be good for your son, that's for sure. He needs to learn to be a full-on man and you can't do that living with your parents, you really can't. 

So give him a deadline. 

Then once he's gone (or before if you'll leave him to fend for himself) despite your anxiety and all that, make plans for at least a little day trip. Go out in nature if you like nature. Go to the river. Go to a nearby lake and rent a boat or just eat shoreside. Or just drive to a small town nearby that you heard had delicious chicken fried steak or barbecue. Get OUT of your rut. Do something alone with your man. If you're not already treating your anxiety, stop stalling and treat it. Take meds, do therapy. Anxiety is not that hard to medicate and it can change your whole outlook on life rapidly. 

A little story. In her middle and old age my sister, a narcissist, became someone who couldn't deal with people at all (she'd get rageful any little thing not going her way) and became a hermit. She ended up in the hospital for six months for pancreatis, which is 80% death rate. She wasn't very conversational, even with me, and had gotten to where she didn't want to go out to eat, even. So in the hospital, she was a raging pain in the butt to the staff. Uncooperative, would tell them to go away when they were trying to treat her, etc. Eventually, they put her on some anxiety med. 

My sister is secretive, even with me, so she wouldn't tell me about it, but I had medical power of attorney while she was in there. I wasn't sure if they kept her on it or not though. But by the time she was finally released and came home (oddly enough she got so used to being waited on hospitalized that she stayed in as long as possible), once she got settled, about 3 weeks, she was suddenly a little social again. Wanting to dress and go out to eat and having pleasant conversations. I was thrilled, to say the least. It didn't last long, so obviously she didn't refill her med and probably doesn't think there's anything wrong with her natural surly self, but for a while, it was nice. We even wedged a weekend vacation in there. 

Then it was gone. Then she was making up excuses and trying to get back IN the hospital. That went on for at least a year, trying to get admitted and being sent home. She had become a malingerer, you see. 

So that's the power of anxiety medication. It even helped a narcissist calm down. 

You need to make yourself entertaining again and your life entertaining. Send the son on his way and see if you can rebuild a nice life with your husband. Get out of the house, get out of the town, get out of your routine while you still can. Because you're at the age when you won't always be able to. You will need some memories to live on then. Good luck.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

It is possible that you have a physical.problem that just hasn't been properly diagnosed yet.


Just watching this woman on YouTube and it occurs to me she might be relevant for you eg effectively initiating conversation with husband about sex. (Esther Perel may also be of interest just for validation if you have not come across her.)


Perel.
The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

Morse.


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