# What to do now



## Roland2651 (Jun 4, 2015)

I am new to this forum, and let me say, that the purpose of this post is not necessarily to seek advice as much as it is just to say how I am feeling. 
I was married once before my current marriage. It didn’t last long, despite the fact that the two of us had been together for years prior to our engagement. The marriage ended abruptly, we were so young, and I took it horribly. I met my current wife right after my divorce and we became very good friends. She had recently gone through a divorce of her own. Her husband had cheated on her and she was much more willing to move on than I was. She watched me grieve, attempt to hide my pain with one night stands and drink myself into a coma almost nightly. I was so reckless with my life and I would not commit to anyone. After about two years of friendship, we finally started “dating”. We immediately moved in together for financial reasons. She had two kids from a previous marriage. We never had a “honeymoon” phase, as we immediately set up shop just running a family.
Early on, I never felt a connection in the relationship. I had issues with the relationship she maintained with her ex and was very insecure. We talked about these things, but no real resolution was ever found. I considered ending the relationship several times. After around a year of dating, I decided to leave. I had gone to a couple of apartment complexes checking on rates before going into work. Once I got there, I got a call from her, telling me she was pregnant. Three months later, we were married. 
My disconnect continued into the marriage even after our son was born. When he was round two years old, my wife cheated on me with her ex. Despite being furious, I stayed in the relationship due to my son. When he was round five years old, I tried to leave again. But just as before, the thought of being away from him and what a divorce would do to him prevented me from making the move.
After that attempt, I felt myself go numb. I felt that I was destined to remain in the relationship despite my own feelings. 
I have always felt that there was a part of me who was still in love with my ex. We have talked on occasion, casually, over the last several years. Nothing inappropriate or secretive. Just run ins at the grocery store or the park. No adultery, not even as much as a handshake. 
I have begun telling my wife how I feel. She has responded by faulting herself and not accepting that I am the problem and that I have always been the problem. Seeing her blame herself has been very hard and something I did not see coming. 
I love my wife, but I don’t think we should have ever taken our relationship beyond friendship. My son is now 11, and again I am scared of how he is going to be affected by a divorce. I want to be happy, I want my wife to be happy, and I want our kids to be happy. Up until now, I have felt the only way to achieve any of these is by sacrificing my own happiness in lieu of theirs. And while I feel that the time is right, I am also scared to death. I don’t know what to do.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Roland2651 said:


> I am new to this forum, and let me say, that the purpose of this post is not necessarily to seek advice as much as it is just to say how I am feeling.
> I was married once before my current marriage. It didn’t last long, despite the fact that the two of us had been together for years prior to our engagement. The marriage ended abruptly, we were so young, and I took it horribly. I met my current wife right after my divorce and we became very good friends. She had recently gone through a divorce of her own. Her husband had cheated on her and she was much more willing to move on than I was. She watched me grieve, attempt to hide my pain with one night stands and drink myself into a coma almost nightly. I was so reckless with my life and I would not commit to anyone. After about two years of friendship, we finally started “dating”. We immediately moved in together for financial reasons. She had two kids from a previous marriage. We never had a “honeymoon” phase, as we immediately set up shop just running a family.
> Early on, I never felt a connection in the relationship. I had issues with the relationship she maintained with her ex and was very insecure. We talked about these things, but no real resolution was ever found. I considered ending the relationship several times. After around a year of dating, I decided to leave. I had gone to a couple of apartment complexes checking on rates before going into work. Once I got there, I got a call from her, telling me she was pregnant. Three months later, we were married.
> My disconnect continued into the marriage even after our son was born. When he was round two years old, my wife cheated on me with her ex. Despite being furious, I stayed in the relationship due to my son. When he was round five years old, I tried to leave again. But just as before, the thought of being away from him and what a divorce would do to him prevented me from making the move.
> ...


I know exactly how you feel, please see my thread. The only difference, my ex and I are friends these days but I have no interest in her. I think you might be looking at her in some nostalgic way. Tread carefully my friend.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Well Clearly you both are communicating and that is the right start. Your son will see a happier you when your on your own. Right now you think you are doing what is right but all your teaching him is he will need to suffer in a marriage that is not meant to be. I stayed married to my cheating xW for ten years. My kids have talked to me many times asking why I just didn't kick her out. They really understand what I couldn't see at the time. You can build a great relationship with your son while moving on with your life. On the cheating side there is no way I will ever support staying with a cheater or even a person that thinks it is remotely ok to do. 

I really suggest you get in to IC and start planning your departure. 

As far as your wife feeling guilty she should. Cheating kills peoples feelings. This is probably one of the biggest reasons you feel numb. It sounds like neither one of you ever dealt with it.

Its time to take care of you so you can take care of your son. 

Clay


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Clay2013 said:


> no way I will ever support staying with a cheater
> Clay


Why is this? Are we all not human and allowed to make mistakes? What if cheater had been manipulated then repented and try and make amends? The point is we don't know the character of the cheater now.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> Why is this? Are we all not human and allowed to make mistakes? What if cheater had been manipulated then repented and try and make amends? The point is we don't know the character of the cheater now.


I have been on this site and others for a couple of years now. Prior to that I was cheated on by three different women over a period of 20 years total. I have found less handful of people I believe that have truly learned from cheating and try to live a better life. I am not in no way saying there isn't more people but clearly its not as many as I would hope there would be. The chances of you finding one of these people is really rare. The other side of this is even if you do it does not mean you will just be able to get over the betrayal. The amount of work that goes into it is really just not worth it in my mind. 

I feel its better for the kids and the BS to just move on and build a happier healthier life. I do know that there are better people out there. I have since then remarried and we are very close and share the same beliefs and values. We have good boundaries and It really helps me move forward in my life. On another note I have achieved more on a personal and financial level than I had ever thought possible by getting away from these toxic women. I just bought a new Camaro SS and I am loving it. 

Life is good.


Clay


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Roland2651 said:


> I am new to this forum, and let me say, that the purpose of this post is not necessarily to seek advice as much as it is just to say how I am feeling.
> I was married once before my current marriage. It didn’t last long, despite the fact that the two of us had been together for years prior to our engagement. The marriage ended abruptly, we were so young, and I took it horribly. I met my current wife right after my divorce and we became very good friends. She had recently gone through a divorce of her own. Her husband had cheated on her and she was much more willing to move on than I was. She watched me grieve, attempt to hide my pain with one night stands and drink myself into a coma almost nightly. I was so reckless with my life and I would not commit to anyone. After about two years of friendship, we finally started “dating”. We immediately moved in together for financial reasons. She had two kids from a previous marriage. We never had a “honeymoon” phase, as we immediately set up shop just running a family.
> *Early on, I never felt a connection in the relationship. I had issues with the relationship she maintained with her ex* and was very insecure. *We talked about these things, but no real resolution was ever found.* I considered ending the relationship several times. *After around a year of dating, I decided to leave. I had gone to a couple of apartment complexes checking on rates before going into work. Once I got there, I got a call from her, telling me she was pregnant.* Three months later, we were married.
> My disconnect continued into the marriage even after our son was born. *When he was round two years old, my wife cheated on me with her ex.* Despite being furious, I stayed in the relationship due to my son. When he was round five years old, I tried to leave again. But just as before, the thought of being away from him and what a divorce would do to him prevented me from making the move.
> ...


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## Roland2651 (Jun 4, 2015)

Gus, Thank you. That is the first time I have laughed in weeks. Unfortunately, my son is the spitting image of me. He's gonna be cursed with my face for his entire life.


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