# Wrong from beginning...but feel staying is 'right thing to do'



## DZTZ (Oct 4, 2012)

Hello everyone, first time poster here. I hope this isn’t too long.
2004. Two long years after my first wife tore my world asunder I was finally getting my confidence back and I started going out. I saw an old girlfriend very down on her luck and going through a painful separation with a 1 year old baby girl with her. I always had a soft spot for her and started dating her. The more we went out, the more I saw how dire her situation was and 2 months later I asked her to move in with me. I honestly think moving in so quickly was a bad idea, but we did. 

Problems from day one; she would scream and throw things and pretty much treat me like she hated me or hated all men or something. I planned to leave her a couple of times but never did. Later that year we married but problems continued. One day out of the blue she sat me down and confessed she didn't care for me at first but she needed to leave her old house so she moved in with me…that she was sorry and that she had learned to love me after all that time. I stayed with her but I held a grudge that I still hang on to. 

She has issues when she gets upset. She turns into another person to the point of physically abusing me (biting, punching, throwing heavy objects) and even the kids. One day I had our baby boy in my arms and she didn't even let me get to the door, she threw a flurry of punches and even the baby took one…I pushed her away, went outside and called the cops. A neighbor lent me a small blanket for the baby since it was cold out. Something inside me changed that day. I stayed with her but I felt a great anger towards her. 

I originally thought her anger issues had to do with her drinking so I told her she couldn’t drink but then softened up and let her drink once a week with the condition that I not be around her while she was drinking. Originally this was a great idea. Things got better and I almost forgot about Mrs Hyde altogether, but later I started using this to my advantage. I ‘let her’ drink an extra day to be able to go out with my buddies anytime I wanted…those types of things. Before I knew it I was barely ever home. I felt like ‘she deserved’ it and started taking things even further. I got to the point where I cheated on her. So now she feels, rightly so, abandoned and betrayed. *She does not know about me cheating…although I think she suspects it.

I realize now that I have no right to ‘punish’ her and that I am 100% to blame for the affair. I in no way think I am correct in doing what I do. I don’t want to continue this lifestyle. I know I’m hurting her. But I also realize that I am not sure about loving her anymore.

She swears she loves me now and after a big fight a couple of months ago where I left the house for a while, she seems honest about it and I have seen a big improvement. I feel great around her but every time I recall all the bad times she put me through and the bad times I put her through recently, I KNOW there’s no hope for us…yet I can’t help but feel staying with her is ‘the right thing’. 

What should I do? 

PS. We have two kids together (2 and 6) and she has 2 kids (9 and 12) from before. The oldest is not with us since they gave custody to the grandfather after one day that my wife beat her.

EDIT: She will not even consider counseling. Her family tried many times and I have talked to her about this many many times. NO is the answer.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I would say no counselling, we need to move on. It is clear she has issues from what you say and she needs to become a healthy person not only for herself, but also you and the kids.

You marriage is not only ill, but dangerous if she gets physical. She needs a wake-up call. Next physical attack. Police report.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why are you with a women that clearly brings out the worst in you? I'm sure you can give your kids a better examble of being a father if you get out and start becoming a man the kids can look up to.


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## DZTZ (Oct 4, 2012)

Never thought about her bringing out the worst in me. That actually makes sense. Holy cow let me think about this for a while.


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## Bafuna (Aug 13, 2012)

You say yourself that you have seen a big improvement, so whats the problem? Why are you choosing to be negative instead of positive?


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