# Books for Cheating Spouse



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Hi

My wife and I are a couple of months into reconciliation and she has decided she would like to do some reading to see if it gives her insights into what inside her gave her permission to have an affair. She is horrified she has done this to me, and that has betrayed everything we both believe in. She is doing all the right things for me, and for us, and understands that "not wanting to ever, ever do this again" might not be enough to satisfy either of us. I / we have firm boundaries in place that she has edited and made MORE protective of the marriage, and we are in MC

However, she wants to dig deeper into herself, so she's looking for any recommendations for books that might force her to examine herself in more detail.

any suggestions, and before you start I've already done the "how about a rolled up magazine so I can beat you around the head if you look at another man"


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm a fWW, not having been able to find anything the is specifically written for the cheater. I would be very interested in any book suggestions as well.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Thus far I've read No More Mr. Nice Guy and His Needs, Her Needs and both were helpful. Obviously No More Mr. Nice Guy is male centric so I doubt it will help a lot. His Needs, Her Needs is really good but won't do much to help her figure herself out. It will help her (and you) identify where the relationship went off track. 

Maybe try posting in the ladies lounge for some female specific suggestions?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

from Chapparal



> Originally Posted by chapparal View Post
> 
> Re: Trying to work marriage out, but seems one-sided. Need perspective please.
> 
> ...


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I read through this but didn't find much that addresses the cheater


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Thats the problem. All the books, and all the information seems to be about helping the betrayed spouse. That's great for me. But she's looking for help so she can examine herself to dig down at the real reasons.

Maybe counselling is the only option.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

What do you think your wife needs help with?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I think I saw a book called "when good people have affairs"... I think that was written from/for the DS perspective. I think this book/ & website may be along the lines of what your looking for as well/


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks a bunch, this is even on iTunes!
The second book/website you recommended, I read it together with my husband right after Dday. It's a good book and does not completely exclude things from the cheater's point of view.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

So I started on the first chapter and I wish I would have had this book years ago! My neck is hurting from all the nodding. "Yep, exactly, absolutely, that's right, totally, yes, no doubt!"
HusbandInPain, please buy this book for your wife!


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i dont know if this will help any, but as to looking for reasons, ive found many.

relationship wise, biological, evolutionary, psychological, financial, sexual,

there are a great many reasons people have affairs, and it really all depends on the individual.

foor example (and ill try to simplify this)

my wifes main reasons for having the affair:

i neglected her. 
he made her feel special.
she felt bored after attaining everything she wanted. (house, kids, career)
that pesky sexual prime thing (wife is 34 when had affair)
wanted that in love feeling.

depression
off birth control pill (affected hormones, theres actually a few interesting studies on how the pill affects the kind of men women choose and their ability to stay in long term relationships)

the OM presented himself as an alpha at work (wuite the opposite in real life, as well he cheated on his wife)


that said none of these JUSTIFY the affair, but helps to EXPLAIN the affair.

the books i have read to help me understand her reasons (along with what she has told me and i filled in the blanks) are as follows

not just friends by shirley glass
how to help your spouse heal from the affair by linda macdonald
his needs her needs by william harley
private lies by frank pittman
womens infidelity by michelle langley (heres the website, take a look its got good info as well Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity )
as well as womens infidelity 2

ive read a bunch of other stuff as well related to affairs, about coping and healing. and have even gotten some interesting info from manosphere blogs. (married man sex life being a good one and other links from his site)

i think the book listed do a pretty good job at covering the conscious and unconscious reason why women cheat (biology is a mofo, ya know) and that along with answers you get from your wife may not only helpo fill out the puzzle in your head, but also keep it from happening again and regaining your trust and confidence with in your self and your spouse


good luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I haven't actually read these but found them in a search:

http://www.amazon.com/When-Good-People-Have-Affairs/dp/0312378475

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=pd_cp_b_3

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=pd_cp_b_2

Amazon.com: Surviving an Affair (9780800717582): Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers: Books


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

I was going to suggest Surviving an Affair, but there are several here who do not like it. Their opinion is that Harley puts the blame on the BS and not the WS.

Personally, I took it as "I had a part in creating the environment that ended up in an affair, my wife has 100% responsibility for having the affair."

After I read the book I left it laying out on my nightstand (without the cover so the kids would not see it unless they looked at the spine). My wife picked it up one day and started reading it, I think she only read a chapter or two. She didn't read any more because she felt he blamed the WS for everything.


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