# How do things ever get better with no contact?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Okay I'm back - I'm sure most know my story - STBXW married 26 years got up one day and walked out of the house in March 2012 and later found out due to involvement with a coworker - I subsequently left due to being so messed up by the affair and her trying to say I was harrassing her that I left the city where we were living to go to my home town and gave my youngest son the choice to stay or come ith me he chose to stay with her...I never contacted her after I left other than seeing her at son's graduation- which I posted. I believe she's moved in with the OM and things have just progressed with her - I'm now wondering how things will ever get civil between us if there is continually no contact? And I have been wondering if she will now she the light seeing shes now liiving with the AP (who is now her partner)?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

They may not get better as far as the M goes, but the distance will emotionally protect you from the pain of dealing with her crap on a dat to day bases. 

The less time together the less you think about her kind of thing. The less you hear from her the less bull crap you have to listen to.

It actuall will do you as an idividual more good by NC.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

She isn't going to see the light, she is blinded by it. You deserve much more than she has to offer. Move on.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I am moving on - but how do we have contact for familial purposes?


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## completely_lost (May 10, 2012)

That's what over priced lawyers are for!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

No contact protects you from her abuse. It's distancing yourself, building up your defenses (if you will) against the person who is hurting you. The end result is that you will be at a point where she can't injure you, anymore.

As far as children, depending on how severe she was (and reading your OP, it was cruel and severe), find an intermediary or have your lawyers do it. They will hand off messages between the two of you regarding your children.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I am moving on - but how do we have contact for familial purposes?


Best to have NC forever. Examples of contact needed.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> I am moving on - but how do we have contact for familial purposes?


Oh, my bad. I totally misunderstood.

I actually have experience in this, from my first husband. If you feel the need to speak with her you call her/leave a message and are nothing but polite and cordial. You state your purpose NEVER making any snide comments or taking the bait if she does (most important). Keep it brief and follow through on anything you commit to doing.

Another important lesson I learned is that if a situation is discussed/agreed upon and something changes, NEVER make amendments through the kids. Always pick up the phone to confirm directly. It can be a text message or whatever. My children were younger but even as they got older and even now (both are grown) it just saves on possible conflicts/issues.

It will be uncomfortable at first but in time, with your excellent example and patience, you may very well find that while communication with her is not comfortable it is not unbearable either. It will also do oodles to help your children heal.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

theroad said:


> Best to have NC forever. Examples of contact needed.




Communicate the "business"/"logistical" aspects of your relationship, (kids, finances, property) through lawyers or through email;
Use text messages and emails for little things about the kids if picking up the phone is too hard;
For parenting swaps, make the changes at school or daycare, ask a friend or relative to pick-up/drop off the kids or if they're older the kids can walk home/bus themselves or you can meet at a park and the kids can walk over to you, 
As for paperwork, use registered mail, a P.O. box, a friend's mailing address or work etc. 
If they call you, let it go to voicemail. If it's important, return the call. If it's not, just ignore it;

Eventually you might reach a time where you can stomach being in the same room/venue as them but in the interim, keeping your distance is helpful so that you can heal. If you have kids, it really is best for them for you both to try to get to a place where there isn't tension between you when you do see each other. 

Nobody says you have to be BFFs but if you can both keep your poker faces on in the event that you do have to see each other (school plays, sporting events for example), it's best that you have detached so much that you can just support the kids without thinking/talking or feeling bad about your WS.


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