# New Here



## JoshN

Hello everyone. First, I thought I wouldn't be here. I'm 44, live in western PA. I figured I'd be in the doghouse here and there after fights, but find myself separated right now. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage, a soon to be 4 year old with mom in Texas on a 2 month business trip. She wants no contact with me after a fight we had. I admit I played a huge role, but now she's in the mode where everything I ever done wrong in the relationship is coming out and being used as fuel for "divorce" talk. I asked her to give it the 2 months to wait and not make a hasty decision. We have a child together, and up until recently (I think household and other stresses just pushed her over her limit) she viewed my 3 kids as hers, she at least cared for them that way. That upset her, but she reluctantly agreed. I'm leaving her alone, just conducting business with her, and asking to speak to our son. The horrible thing is she's telling me I never cared for him, which isn't and has never been true.


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## Lostinthought61

what was the fight about? if you had it your way how would you envision this working out?


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## JoshN

We've been together for 5 years, and married for 3. The fight started out with her snapping at me for asking her to be a little more quiet while she was playing with the toddler and I was trying to do college work. From her perspective, she's had the chaos of my older 3 and Mr. Momma's boy going to her while she was doing school. It blew up from there. I didn't know she was holding onto resentment from a lot of things, as we seemed to be doing pretty well up until this fight. The next day, she got mad at me for expressing feelings on something, and it escalated. The next day, I thought she locked me out on purpose when I went out for a morning walk, and she wanted to talk about everything in front of her friend that was staying with us. I start work at 7:00 AM, and wake my kids up around that time. I was typing an email, she made the remark about how she was going to go wake up "Your children" implying I was derelict in my duties. I hastily walked over, and I put my arms up as if to just squeeze by. She asked me to leave for a hotel until I could calm down. I didn't. I made drunk facebook posts, and was talking to mutual friends. I explained my perspective, with factual errors she called lies later on. When I get upset, I don't always remember things exactly as they happen (I need to start journaling when this happens). That further enraged her, and her old friend that knew her from her previous marriage told me I should show up with the police, so it's documented I showed up and didn't try to abandon the house or marriage (something about leaving for 24 hours or more). I chose to listen to this horrible advice, and showed up with them. Partly also because she also said she thought I was going to hit her when I walked by her to go get my kids up for school, when that's the furthest thing from my mind. She told me the day before I was due home she thought it best to just end things (via text no less). We had an hour long discussion as to why she felt that way. That night, and the next few days, I got it. I finally understood I let trauma that happened when she and I first were together, dictate how I felt and behaved, including insecurities that made me do stupid things like call the police. For the next 3 weeks, she was angry with me, kept saying she was so hurt and angry, and needed space. She first wanted to move out to her own place for 6 months, but that wasn't economically feasible. Last Monday, she left for a business trip where she will be working in Texas, and has our toddler with her. She left telling me she loved me, kissed me, and also said she'd miss me. She messaged me for the first few days. Instead of giving her space, I went into "fix it" mode, and reached out to a couple of friends I know I caused a strain in friendships between my wife and them. That upset her. 3 days later, she was able to see messages from me and a friend going over what I thought happened in the time and it enraged her, to the point that she blasted me in the same chat with my friend (she had my login info) and I believe she thinks I'm putting on an act. I've already started listening to podcasts on how to deal with anger, how to let things go, and have been active in a few save the marriage groups to get better perspective. She asked me over the phone Monday to sign divorce papers now, I asked her to wait and not be hasty. She also has been bringing things up that are not factual, or have been exaggerated beyond what happened, again as reasons to not trust me and why I'm a piece of crap. Right now, I have no contact with her, she never shared her address with me, and I haven't been able to talk to our son after being told repeatedly I could. I'm giving her space, and hoping for the best. I realize she's hurt, and is using her list of things I did wrong as a way to justify why she shouldn't take a risk on me again, but I don't know what no contact will do. I hope in a few weeks (she's gone for 8-12) she misses all of us, but it sounds like she's also resentful for how she doesn't have money to spend on her car because of the cost of 4 kids. I am in love with her, but I can't bring her back in if she can't be fine with the situation she's in. It's not fair to my kids, and me. No need to be resented, but I know that I screwed up enough to at least push her away to get to this point.


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## JoshN

At this point, I am working on myself, working on the issues that I was clueless about. There was some trauma that we went through together (Ex wife kidnapped the 3 older kids during my divorce). I envision one of two things happening. The first is my wife gets the needed break and misses us and starts to come back around and wants to come back and rejoin all of us (I would want to do couple's therapy or a marriage workshop with her. While she has a long list of grievances for me, there are a few things I hope a counselor can help her understand to change her perspective on things when it comes to the family dynamic). The other is I waited too long to understand my issues, and she was resentful for far too long and it's really over. Either way, I need to be a better person for me and the kids, the reconnection with my wife would just be a bonus. I still get butterflies looking at her, and there's that electric spark I feel whenever she touches me. It would cut me deeply to think that my coming around late (better late than never) is not enough for her to be willing to try to fix this.


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