# For BS's..getting over "it"...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Do you ever wonder if you will ever get over the betrayal? Whether it be an EA or PA..

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over H's EA...it was brief but sometimes still months later when I think about the secret email address, the instant messaging, etc. I still feel so angry about it. I think that to H. it wasn't a big deal it was just harmless flirting and sometimes that angers me that I think he doesn't get it!

I take my responsibility in my role in our marriage however what he did..I never would have done that to him. He has said a couple of times that he wasn't out looking it just happened. So yesterday I said to him..so you had no control in this situation...I also said I don't know if I want to stay married to someone who has no self control.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Only way I'll ever get over being cheated on is to get rid of the cheater.

Because if I stay with them, I'll always be reminded in some way of what they did, the mind movies, the triggers. No thanks.

Does that mean I ever forget what the X did to me? No. Nobody ever forgets. But the only way to render any thoughts insignificant that do come to mind is for the cheater to become insignificant to me.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is what I think at times. Sometimes I think that unless I get "over it"..that it will in the end be the downfall of our marriage. I often wish that someone could tell me what to do..what decision to make. I still have feelings for him but however the anger inside of me always seems to be there..to never really go away. I hate it when I feel so angry...I find that it affects my concentration at work, etc.

As well, I find that I am almost obsessed with the details, etc. what did she look like, what conversations did they have, etc. etc.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

highwood said:


> That is what I think at times. Sometimes I think that unless I get "over it"..that it will in the end be the downfall of our marriage. I often wish that someone could tell me what to do..what decision to make. I still have feelings for him but however the anger inside of me always seems to be there..to never really go away. I hate it when I feel so angry...I find that it affects my concentration at work, etc.
> 
> As well, I find that I am almost obsessed with the details, etc. what did she look like, what conversations did they have, etc. etc.


You sound a bit like me .I too am trying to get over it ,seems like H is over it .
I am not really angry any more and I just found out last week .
I am sad he thought so little of me to complain to someone else .When he knows good and well how much he hates it when his mom or dad complain about the SIL or DIL .
I too am obsessed about details .I said was she prettier than me ? He was like no your about the same .I don't know if I should be hurt or ? I too wish i knew what all the chatting was about .
I have at times all most set up an account at the place where they met to be a real snoop.
All I can say is don't ya hate this club ?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The affairs did cause the downfall of "our" marriage so I don't expect to live long enough to "get over it".
The verbiage which spilled out during the divorce pointed out the many "faults" that I harbor, that I have no intentions in getting into any more long term relationships, and I don't expect to live long enough to correct even half of them


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> You sound a bit like me .I too am trying to get over it ,seems like H is over it .
> I am not really angry any more and I just found out last week .


I hate to be the one to tell you but it will come! I wasn't angry for the first few weeks after dday, it's been 9 weeks and I have days where I a feel anger I never knew possible.

Hold tight and welcome to the rollercoaster 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

highwood said:


> That is what I think at times. Sometimes I think that unless I get "over it"..that it will in the end be the downfall of our marriage.


Wrong thinking. It isn't your reaction to basically what is tantamount to emotional abuse that will be the downfall of the marriage. The cheating would be.

Never EVER think that your spouse can cheat on you, but that its YOUR feelings after the fact that would tear down the marriage. It just isn't so.

Your spouse did this to you.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ishe? said:


> I hate to be the one to tell you but it will come! I wasn't angry for the first few weeks after dday, it's been 9 weeks and I have days where I a feel anger I never knew possible.


Thats because most of us are in too much shock and pain to be angry right away. We don't think clearly, have just been emotionally abused by our spouses cheating, and we slip into the desperation mode of being scared if the marriage does end.

Then after the dust settles, we start to think more clearly, we stop feeling sorry for ourselves, and start getting angry.
issed:


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No , I understand that! What I mean is that I want to bring it up all the time..make sarcastic comments, etc. about it! 

I understand what you are saying...however I also think at some point especially in my situation where there is no contact, hasn't been for 5 months. As well I see where H. is trying to amend things...I just worry that my anger over this will eat me up. I do hope that it will abate over time. I do have a personality in that I do tend to hold on to things and stew and fret over them.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

highwood said:


> No , I understand that! What I mean is that I want to bring it up all the time..make sarcastic comments, etc. about it!


Oh I would have too if I stayed with her. Just looking at her the couple of months after dday before I decided to divorce her, I saw nothing but "CHEATER" stamped across her forehead.

If I was with her to this day, I'm sure the triggers would be fewer and farther between, but I also know I'd feel the need to make sure she knew I don't have the luxury of forgetting what she did. That wasn't the life I wanted, so I left.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess it depends what you mean by 'getting over it'. My hubby and I are together almost 2 years after D day#1 and have a much better relationship now than 2 years ago. It was like a wake up call for both of us. Do I still trigger sometimes? Of course. But the times are fewer and fewer. Do I look at him and think, WTF?!?!?!? Yep. But as we move farther away from the bad times and have more good times, it's far easier to let those WTF moments pass through me and away instead of hanging on to them.

I think if we had split for good it would be harder to let go of the negative feelings, because he wouldn't still be around canceling them out.

Of course if you don't have a remorseful spouse then none of this applies.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

ishe? said:


> I hate to be the one to tell you but it will come! I wasn't angry for the first few weeks after dday, it's been 9 weeks and I have days where I a feel anger I never knew possible.
> 
> Hold tight and welcome to the rollercoaster
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First I was in denial like no way .Then I was like shocked okay so it did happen then I got mad and angry and now I am like okay it happened now where do I go from here?


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Hope I am in the same boat. It will be 3 years after DDay at the end of March. I had a talk with the wife a week ago. I saw the scumbag on Valentine's Day and it triggered my anger. I sat down and talked to her. She was shaking with fear that I was going to end it and I still had all this emotion buring through me. 
I told her the pain is less but there are still triggers (I listed out 14 of them) and it freaked her out. Our marriage is much stronger now but I told her she betrayed one of the key aspects of our vows and that is not hard to let go of. I love her more now that she is sober and clean for 2.5 years. We are healthier, we talk, we are rebuilding trust, we don't hold anything back to fester and grow into ugliness. 
I too want the MM and triggers to end and I feel if I am able to truly forgive her I can. the thing is I feel if I forgive her it lessens the pain she made me feel and she needs to know I feel pain and most likely always will. She made a conscious decision to sleep with my best friend and while she was a full blown alcoholic then it doesn't excuse her. She needs to know I feel pain to remind her of how badly she hurt my and our relationship.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

highwood said:


> No , I understand that! What I mean is that I want to bring it up all the time..make sarcastic comments, etc. about it!
> 
> I understand what you are saying...however I also think at some point especially in my situation where there is no contact, hasn't been for 5 months. As well I see where H. is trying to amend things...I just worry that my anger over this will eat me up. I do hope that it will abate over time. I do have a personality in that I do tend to hold on to things and stew and fret over them.


Last night in a roundabout way I brought it kind of .I guess just to see a reaction not trying to be mean ,but saying stuff like it can happen to anyone if we don't watch out .
He seemed to turn red I mentioned it .
Not trying to hurt but wanting to see his reaction


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I guess it depends what you mean by 'getting over it'. My hubby and I are together almost 2 years after D day#1 and have a much better relationship now than 2 years ago. It was like a wake up call for both of us. Do I still trigger sometimes? Of course. But the times are fewer and fewer. Do I look at him and think, WTF?!?!?!? Yep. But as we move farther away from the bad times and have more good times, it's far easier to let those WTF moments pass through me and away instead of hanging on to them.
> 
> I think if we had split for good it would be harder to let go of the negative feelings, because he wouldn't still be around canceling them out.
> 
> Of course if you don't have a remorseful spouse then none of this applies.


You know that is kind of how I see mine also as a wake up call .
I too hope the marriage gets stronger


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Snowflake. I am not sure I am getting this from the posts. Is he truly sorry about what happened? Is he open to you asking questions that you have? are you guys in MC? 

You will go from Denial to anger and back and forth. This is something you both need to talk a great deal about and whatever happens do not let him sweep it under the rug.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hold on. You will, in time, realize that it is they who strayed away. You will eventually come to terms with betrayal. All this forum have undergone this. Whether you do R or D, the anger refuses to go away. There is no getting over it, only coming to terms with it.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

mahike said:


> Snowflake. I am not sure I am getting this from the posts. Is he truly sorry about what happened? Is he open to you asking questions that you have? are you guys in MC?
> 
> You will go from Denial to anger and back and forth. This is something you both need to talk a great deal about and whatever happens do not let him sweep it under the rug.



No were not in MC .

He really does seem to be sorry .He has been treating me like he used to before we were married leaving me notes and presents and stuff .

As to asking him about it ,well he is the type of guy where you don't rehash stuff ,you don't keep bringing things up .
Always been like this since I have known him which is 20 plus years .
He says guys prove their are sorry and that is that no need to keep bringing up the past .

The only nagging thing I have in my mind is that other social network site .
he says he deleted himself off of there .Its not that I don't believe him ,I just want to know about the OW .
I know there is like no chance I will ever see her one good thing is she lives in a different country .
So other than that I don't really have much else bothering me


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

Snow, hate to say this but not talking about it and burying it is not healthy. I found the healthiest thing for me was to talk with my wife about when I am bothered by her EA. It's not easy for her to hear it but if I bury my hurt and don't feel like I can talk to her about it I might as well just divorce her. She understands that she caused me pain and talking about my issues helps me heal and she want me healthy becuase that keeps us healthy in our relationship.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> Snow, hate to say this but not talking about it and burying it is not healthy. I found the healthiest thing for me was to talk with my wife about when I am bothered by her EA. It's not easy for her to hear it but if I bury my hurt and don't feel like I can talk to her about it I might as well just divorce her. She understands that she caused me pain and talking about my issues helps me heal and she want me healthy becuase that keeps us healthy in our relationship.


I just don't know how to bring it up with out causing a conflict .Like I said he is well its over its over quit beating a dead horse .


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

It may be a dead horse but nobody gave it a proper burial yet...

Tell him that refusing to talk to you is hurting your healing. You respect he wants to move on but he has to realize the pain he caused you will take time. The more he can talk to you about it the sooner you can have funeral services for the horse.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> It may be a dead horse but nobody gave it a proper burial yet...
> 
> Tell him that refusing to talk to you is hurting your healing. You respect he wants to move on but he has to realize the pain he caused you will take time. The more he can talk to you about it the sooner you can have funeral services for the horse.


I am not sure how much I want to know vs what I need to know 
do you know what I mean ?

He says it was only 3 days he swears to this even so how much could have happened in 3 days ?


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

3 days, 3 years. Something unhealthy in his views led to the EA. You don't understand it, none of us do. If you are to trust him he needs to respect your need to know. Each of us has different things we NEED to know. I told my spouse I wanted to know everything. Location, what they did, who did what to whom. I had to know it all because my MM were like really bad porn movies and I needed reality. Reality didn't help as it was a bad porn but it helped me stop dreaming and focus on what happened.

Ask how he would feel if it were reversed. Could he let it go if you told him it was a dead horse?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Of course he wants you to not bring it up. Hopefully he's damned ashamed of himself. None of us like to talk about things we did that were wrong and hurtful. But he HAS to talk to you and answer all your questions. He should WANT to.

Have a look at the link in my sig about understanding, copy and paste it and have him read it. The WS don't understand the level of betrayal, so they may not understand what we need as a BS. There are other links here that deal with this also - poke around, look at the stickies and other peoples sigs. I dont' have time to link them all right now or I would. This is really important.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

I guess I want closure I think that is what I am seeking .
I don't wish to rehash anything .
I only want to now everything out in the open and no secrets 

Thanks for the links though they were good


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Zak68 said:


> 3 days, 3 years. Something unhealthy in his views led to the EA. You don't understand it, none of us do. If you are to trust him he needs to respect your need to know. Each of us has different things we NEED to know. I told my spouse I wanted to know everything. Location, what they did, who did what to whom. I had to know it all because my MM were like really bad porn movies and I needed reality. Reality didn't help as it was a bad porn but it helped me stop dreaming and focus on what happened.
> 
> Ask how he would feel if it were reversed. Could he let it go if you told him it was a dead horse?


All I know is he said it started because I was in a bad mood .We had tried to sell an item and we thought we had and then person brought back item and wanted their money back .I said he was to nice about it 'cause anyone else would have said no way .
It placed a finacial hurt on us over this and so yeah I was mad I admit it .
Do I think this is what caused it ? No maybe I don't know .For me things build up and then they explode like dynamite .

The BIGGEST hurt I have is the words I saw from OW in a email that is my biggest hurt of them all .Still makes me cry thinking about it .
How in the world could they use those words .....


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> I am not sure how much I want to know vs what I need to know
> do you know what I mean ?
> 
> He says it was only 3 days he swears to this even so how much could have happened in 3 days ?


The first story I got was that it was only 3 days, and he swore to it also. It turned out to be a 9 month A ( at least ). If this isn't hashed out he is a lot more likely to do it again. If he is allowed to sweep it under the rug he has suffered very little negative consequences from his choice, and you may actually be enabling him to repeat it . MC can help you sort it out as long as the MC is not a rug sweeper too. You do need to know with whom; how long ( really, not the cover story ); and what his "justification/rationalizations" were for opting for dishonesty and betrayal. I was numb for a while, and didn't know what to ask. When I started asking I got rug sweeping, because he was trying to keep his story straight, and limit the damage, which may be what is going on with your H. It took 10 months of insisting that he tell me the whole truth ( his is also a non talker )before most of it came out. The result was maximum damage to the relationship. Had he talked to me and told me everything from the beginning I don't think the relationship would have been leveled as it has been by his lies and half truths. So far I'm still here, but I take it a day at a time.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

One of the things about getting my paperwork together for my divorce filing, and looking over records of calendar dates and activities I did on those dates (my husband was deployed when I found out about his lying, etc.) and also the little reminders your account statements show, like the times i gassed up after driving an hour each way for therapy, books I bought on half.com relating to marriage (and eventually, abuse), etc. is that I was reminded of how much I did for myself and how much I walked away with in the marriage (not financially, I'm asking for nothing...as I was able to figure out early on this was not the marriage for me...) so I realized today that entire days go by when I don't think about the marriage so much. I mean, I come on here and I state my eperience but then I walk away from it and have a life that arose from leaving that marriage, but is comprised of all the hopes and dreams I had for myself and my children within the marriage. I feel sorry that my stbxh is not the kind of person who can truly enjoy this kind of life and needed to have more than that. But that's his issue, and I'm happy that I'm not that way, therefore this behavior and those values aren't with me. If that's getting over 'it' then yes. I am an attractive person and likeable (most days, now, I even like myself! LOL), and have fun but also work hard. I'm not perfect. My friends are like me. We all strive to do the right thing and when we feel awkward about how to handle something we talk about it, one way or another. It's good to be around people who at least try. I never really felt like I was second best or inferior, come to think about it, I was really just pissed at my husband for f*cking up our life. I never took it personally, except for what I did to myself in terms of staying too long and putting up with too much. I had this kind of value system that saw us as a team, and that it was somehow his role to be mean to me to get me to do what needed to be done for some kind of success. But, he really didn't have a clue. As a leader, he really s*cked. As an equal teammate (which I tried, before being a follower with him) he also fell short, he needed to be in control...so I gave him as much as I could. Oh well!

Edited to add:

OMG!!!!! I as washing the dishes after posting this and it hit me. The reason I was deceived for so long is not because I wasn't seeing what was going on, but because I saw it and couldn't believe it, what was going on in my mind was:

"NOBODY COULD BE THAT F*CKED UP, THEREFORE HE MUST NOT BE LYING AND IT'S ALL CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE."


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My story is on several posts but:

2010 wife had an EA from April 23 till end of May. Very sexual. Most online. I rug swept it. Only contacted the OMW and we talked for about two hours. Tried to work on it between my WS and myself. My WS did not talk about it and lied and lied.

I went into IC and my IC told me that she would do it again and if the OM was local it would go PA.

It did. July 2011 EA then PA in Sept.

I exposed it to everyone. 

We are working on R but it is hard.

My mistake in 2010 was I took care of myself (somewhat) but my WS did nothing and would not even talk about it. DO NOT GO THERE. MAKE HIM TALK.

I can only share what happened to me and I hope you do not find yourself there.


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

I sent an email ,since I am better at writing out stuff than just talking .I mean that way I can say anything and not get tongue tied.I don't know what he thinks ,I think he read it ,yet he has not said anything to me .


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

My husband just said to me yesterday that he looks forward to getting past this. Well, I do too, but his idea of getting past and mine - I wonder how different they are. I thought, "do you mean you look forward to when I don't bug you about it or ask questions or flip out watching TV shows like the Closer where there is adultery involved?" But I didn't say that.

Things *feel* good, he seems remorseful, but then, he lied to me. I don't know what to do with that. I am aware every day that I trusted him, too, while he was lying, and that no matter how good things feel, no matter how sweet he is or seemingly willing to comply with my requests, that is still a fact.

That's why I put away some money for myself, and told him that it was insurance, in case I needed to leave or file. So he knows that there will be consequences if he chooses to see her again.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

the thing is, cheaters got to "fool around" at the expense of their spouse, while the spouse is left to pick-up the pieces of the betrayal. 

what fun.

they'll always be ahead on the scoreboard. and yes, people do keep score. you'd be a liar if you said you didn't.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Snowflake said:


> All I know is he said it started because I was in a bad mood .
> 
> It placed a finacial hurt on us over this and so yeah I was mad I admit it .
> Do I think this is what caused it ? No maybe I don't know .For me things build up and then they explode like dynamite .


Your H is blame shifting. He made the decision about his EA and he alone is the one to blame for his own actions. He did not need to include another person in your marriage.

The posts I have read about your story all seem to point to rug sweeping. 

What's going to happen the next time you get upset? Is he going to do it again because you were mad? Instead of like a mature adult dealing with the situation and talking to you about it?


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> Your H is blame shifting. He made the decision about his EA and he alone is the one to blame for his own actions. He did not need to include another person in your marriage.
> 
> The posts I have read about your story all seem to point to rug sweeping.
> 
> What's going to happen the next time you get upset? Is he going to do it again because you were mad? Instead of like a mature adult dealing with the situation and talking to you about it?


I don't know that is all I can honestly say .Time will tell


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> the thing is, cheaters got to "fool around" at the expense of their spouse, while the spouse is left to pick-up the pieces of the betrayal.
> 
> what fun.
> 
> they'll always be ahead on the scoreboard. and yes, people do keep score. you'd be a liar if you said you didn't.


I agree. Not saying that someone should even the score, because I don't condone cheating in revenge either.

But the fact remains, one spouse got to go out and orgasm with someone else. There is now an imbalance in the marriage. And IMO, if the marriage carries on, the WS got away with it, and like you said, the BS gets to deal with the affair in their mind for the rest of their life. What fun indeed.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Is it fun, Dexter and Cledus?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its been about 3-4 weeks since wy wife ended her EA,it still eats at me and its a lot harder to get over than I thought,some days ar ok,some suck.I always thought a EA would be relatively easy to get over with since if the physical part never happened but its not.PA to me is much worse dont kow if I could get past that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Snowflake (Feb 19, 2012)

calvin said:


> Its been about 3-4 weeks since wy wife ended her EA,it still eats at me and its a lot harder to get over than I thought,some days ar ok,some suck.I always thought a EA would be relatively easy to get over with since if the physical part never happened but its not.PA to me is much worse dont kow if I could get past that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your further along than I am I am only about 1 week since my discovery . Yeah some days are ok other s are tough ,yesterday was tough I am okay so far today .


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

HA..ha..ha. I guess at this point I consider the weighted average of my wife. She's been horribly lousy at being monogamous and enough was enough. Now here we are, and I'm still a bit numb, but we work as a unit and we're good parents to our kids.

Post-nup has been signed a filed and she will not get any maintenance in the event we get divorced. So clearly this woman knows she fvcked up and blew it with a good man (I mean it makes it only that harder to process when your wife keeps telling you how perfect you are and it wasn't anything you done...along with her girlfriends asking her what in the hell was wrong with her for blowing it with a guy that treated her like I do).

To the point of getting over it. I don't think I even will as it's been too many years of games with this girl. You probably think I'm crazy for even sticking around, but back to the weighted average - in the event she can be a healthy person now, she's a good mom, caring, low maintenance, non-materialistic girl.

I know I'm looking at marriage like you would build a car online, but I'm so jaded at this point that I feel like there is a high chance to trade one set of problems for another. A faithful b!tch? Is that any better?

I'll never get over it, but perhaps the reminders are a good thing in my quest to never take $hit from anyone again.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Highwood, your husband is minimizing the seriousness of his offense. These things don't "just happen." They are the result of an individual having poor boundaries, or making a conscious decision to step over their boundaries. Don't allow him to run this game on you. You two should be in MC where you can feel safe expressing the hurt he has caused and where you can discuss the character traits which allowed him to do this. If you tend to be obsessive, as I am, ignoring the reality of this event in your relationship will haunt you for years. Consider checking in w/ an IC to find ways to deal w/ your pain. Took me a long time to reach that point. I'm glad I did.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Is it fun, Dexter and Cledus?


Ok, I'll bite, since I know you are dying for us to ask. Is what fun?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i don't think he gets the sarcasm.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

cledus_snow said:


> i don't think he gets the sarcasm.


Ok, I see it was reference to "What fun indeed" now.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm feeling more positive every day,especially because of what I see comming from my wife,when it comes to our relationship,I feel...no I know she is genuine about this,and I am serious about what I need to do.She has posted on tams quite a bit also about us.Its funny but a crisis in the marriage....I guess is a good thing in a way.Yes, depends on what kind of problem(s) you have but went from miserable to confident and can feel that re-connection now.feels good and we both have learned so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

calvin said:


> I feel...no I know she is genuine about this,and I am serious about what I need to do.


Huh. That is exactly what I thought - it _felt_ right. I _knew_ he was genuine. Then I found out he had been lying to me. 

It feels right now, but now I have this knowledge that it can feel right while he is lying.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife came clean to her family,mine,her co-workers at church pre-school and I have questioned her over and over,not even the slightest change in any details.She also found out her ex-high school boyfriend lied to her a lot,the guys owns nothing and was a serial cheater in his relationships,had no plans to have a future with her and is a all around loser.She knows how close she came to losing me,the kids and the house.She was in fantasyland,says it was like a drug addiction,this wasy way out of character for her.She would like the R to move along faster but she knows that it goes at my speed.She also knows if it would have went physical we would have had no chance at this,I couldnt take that,and she understands if anything like this happens again there will be no trying again and the old HS Bf knows if we crosss paths,God have mercy on him because I wont.True remorse is there and she apoloziges over and ove everyday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

:iagree:


cledus_snow said:


> the thing is, cheaters got to "fool around" at the expense of their spouse, while the spouse is left to pick-up the pieces of the betrayal.
> 
> what fun.
> 
> they'll always be ahead on the scoreboard. and yes, people do keep score. you'd be a liar if you said you didn't.


:iagree:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Originally Posted by calvin
> I feel...no I know she is genuine about this,and I am serious about what I need to do.





> Huh. That is exactly what I thought - it felt right. I knew he was genuine. Then I found out he had been lying to me.
> 
> It feels right now, but now I have this knowledge that it can feel right while he is lying.




Same with my wife. She had me going for eighteen years after her first affair. Can you spell S-U-C-K-E-R?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Me bandit?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No.....me.

CantSitStill actually loves you. My wife never really did.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks Man,your a good and a strong man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Calvin's wife here..we cheaters do want to sweep it under the rug..we cringe when our spouse brings it up..it hurts BUT I know it hurts him so much more..I betrayed him and am willing to talk about it but I admit I do the same thing, I say "can we please stop talking about this now?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> Calvin's wife here..we cheaters do want to sweep it under the rug..we cringe when our spouse brings it up..it hurts BUT I know it hurts him so much more..I betrayed him and am willing to talk about it but I admit I do the same thing, I say "can we please stop talking about this now?"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Last week a was reading H a thread from TAM and H told me that when the A comes up he doesn't get mad at me at all, he gets mad at himself for putting me in the position and causing me so much pain.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I dont get mad at him..i get mad at myself too..want it to go away even tho i know it wont..i blame myself totally and betrayed him and feel blessed for his forgiveness..altho he will never forget and yes i understand that and am supporting him the best i can
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

Just today I decided to hunt for a forum for help. Living in a foreign country, where lovely latinas abound. Husband has had EA with Irma...I found out, it stopped, then a year later when I was back in the states it started again, each time lasting about 6 months. SHe is 40 he is 65, I am 60. She had long beautiful hair, I have a boycut. She is voluptious, I have gained 15 lbs. since moving from the states 8+ years ago. She is certified massuese which is how he found her in the first place. He has seen her in her underwear, he admits to seeing her about every 2 weeks. She phones him on his cell, he goes outside for his privacy. He took her to lunch for her birthday. He paid her cell phone for 6 months+. THe latest discovery he swears it is over, he feels awful for hurting me again. ALthough he says there was no sex, he just could not let it go that far. But I don't see him grovelling for my forgiveness and I don't see him trying to win me back. Am I expecting too much. Am I a fool? And talk about triggers and dreams and wondering about all the details of which I know nada! I don't know if I want to continue to live in a marriage where I feel so insecure and vulnerable. He has the upperhand, the security, and I have none. I am so pissed and hurt and I don't know that I will ever feel good enough or what he really wants. How do I know he wont' go for a 3rd time back to an EA with her. Are EA's worse than full fledged sexual affairs? Thanks for listening


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Just today I decided to hunt for a forum for help. Living in a foreign country, where lovely latinas abound.


I'm married to a Latina. They are indeed intoxicating and most hot-blooded men have a hard time resisting their allure. My wife's affair partner was definitely unable to resist her. 

So sorry your husband succumbed.

Please start a new thread so we can zero down on your specific problem.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

calvin said:


> My wife came clean to her family,mine,her co-workers at church pre-school and I have questioned her over and over,not even the slightest change in any details.She also found out her ex-high school boyfriend lied to her a lot,the guys owns nothing and was a serial cheater in his relationships,had no plans to have a future with her and is a all around loser.She knows how close she came to losing me,the kids and the house.She was in fantasyland,says it was like a drug addiction,this wasy way out of character for her.She would like the R to move along faster but she knows that it goes at my speed.She also knows if it would have went physical we would have had no chance at this,I couldnt take that,and she understands if anything like this happens again there will be no trying again and the old HS Bf knows if we crosss paths,God have mercy on him because I wont.True remorse is there and she apoloziges over and ove everyday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow! I could have written this. So close to mine, I won't even bother to type mine out.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

cledus_snow said:


> the thing is, cheaters got to "fool around" at the expense of their spouse, while the spouse is left to pick-up the pieces of the betrayal.
> 
> what fun.
> 
> they'll always be ahead on the scoreboard. and yes, people do keep score. you'd be a liar if you said you didn't.


Bingo. Ditto. Agree. Concur.

That is the thing that constantly eats me up. She and ole boy got to have their fun. I saw things in their affair that I hardly ever got to see while married; desire, passion, lust, sponteneity. They made sure to be at their best when they hooked up; there were no hair rollers, sweat pants, or granny robes being worn for the sake of being 'comfortable'. She didn't try to delay things in the bed by bringing up bills or who was going to the next PTA meeting.

At the end of the day, I will always believe that she got over while I was guilt-tripped into sticking around and playing the loyal, reliable, dependable, dweeb for the sake of the kids. She had fun but I have to be more responsible and keep a smile on my face as if nothing happened.

It burns me down to the core...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What's up Simon? Sounds like you reconciled.


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## love to read (Feb 28, 2012)

It is hard work and will take the rest of our time as a married couple to mend and heal. There will be no 3rd time. He knows it and I know it and that is my safety net. That would be the breaking point and I think after all of this work, I would not regret kicking him out. It feels really great we both know this. I am holding the winning hand now. Power has shifted to me. We are doing the translation from English to Spanish of the no contact letter. It should go to Irma's mailbox next week. He also will write a letter to me that I may frame and hang by our bed. I may get it notarized, since I want him to detail everything about IF it happened again...I will keep living in the house and he moves out, he will give me half his pensions every month until I die, we have joint custody of our yellow lab who will remain on my property, I keep the cat and our SUV.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Simon Phoenix said:


> Bingo. Ditto. Agree. Concur.
> 
> That is the thing that constantly eats me up. She and ole boy got to have their fun. I saw things in their affair that I hardly ever got to see while married; desire, passion, lust, sponteneity. They made sure to be at their best when they hooked up; there were no hair rollers, sweat pants, or granny robes being worn for the sake of being 'comfortable'. She didn't try to delay things in the bed by bringing up bills or who was going to the next PTA meeting.
> 
> ...


So Simon, move on from her and date. You'll find a lot more passion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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