# Tug of War (Long)



## wontstop (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm stuck in a situation right now and I don't know what my next move should be anymore...

I've been married for 2 years - with my husband for a total of 7. We have an almost-2 year old. A little less than one month ago, we had a fight - another of fights we do have from time to time, but something snapped in my husband this time and he decided that this was it for him. He wanted a divorce. 

I'm no stranger to this scenario - he's threatened divorce before. It's a pattern he's established in our relationship. Things don't go his way, he's had enough, he tells me he wants out. I beg my way back and things are good again for a while. Then, eventually, it gets to be too much for him again.

We've had our share of issues over the years and came really close to ending our relationship prior to our son being conceived (we had reconciled and were actively working on things, things were good, and then I got pregnant, so we eloped shortly thereafter). We went to counseling, and life went on. I still loved him and wanted it work. 

Up until this point we had a lot of things that were putting a strain on our relationship. 1) My husband (then-boyfriend) was in a job that required him to travel Sunday-Friday about 75% of the time. 2) I lost my job in 2008 and went back to school full time, then took on a full time job a year later and worked full time and went to school full time - right up until I got pregnant, 3) My husband (then-boyfriend) gained over 100 lbs., 4) I was resentful because he wasn't proposing after being together for 5+ years. And, then I got pregnant. 

We were essentially going through the motions after we got back from our elopement; he had a new job but was still traveling most of the time, I took a hiatus with school to just work full time (to cut back on my stress load while I was pregnant). I don't remember a lot of problems during this time between us, mainly because we were so focused on things with regards to the baby. I was starting to get depressed and anxious while pregnant, so that was something I was dealing with, and I remember having a few fights because he didn’t understand how I was feeling, but other than that things just kept moving forward. 

After our son was born, I was in the throes of post partum depression. It was awful. My husband didn’t understand at all. I was trying to commit to breastfeeding and he would just tell me to stop getting so stressed out about it and feed the baby formula. He wasn’t very encouraging or supportive during this time. I would have a bad day and he would tell me I was a bad mom or go complaining to his mother, who would just agree with him tell him he should get a divorce (his mother, who is twice divorced). So, then he’d come back to me with all of this, no filter, just however he felt formed words and came out of his mouth. It was impossible. There were impossible moments and a lot of tears and headaches. I didn’t want a divorce. I just wanted someone to love me and support me and tell me it was going to be okay. I had a little baby that it took all of my energy to care for and no one seemed to care about me. I was hurt and confused.

Before taking leave from work, we had discussed the possibility of my not returning and staying home with the baby for a longer period of time. However, my husband was soon after asked to move to DC for his job. So we had that thrown into the mix on top of everything. We were preparing to move and he was leaving me to care for the baby AND deal with the logistics of getting our house rented and things packed up, etc. while he worked all day. There were several fights about this. His company did nothing except give him a moving expense bonus and I flat out told him one day I refused to do anymore for this move and wanted nothing to do with it. I didn’t have time for it and it felt unfair to me that it was for his job, but it was somehow my problem. Needless to say, he ended up being offered a new position (a lucky break) about 3 weeks before we were supposed to pack up and leave halfway across the country. Coming down from all the stress, we had the holidays to contend with and everything was very difficult for me. I struggled. I was really depressed. Family on either side was not a help – lots of drama.

Right around when our baby turned a year old, things started to get easier and my husband and I were looking at maybe renting our current home and buying a bigger one. Despite my staying home, we were able to save money. 

Then, at the end of this past year, I was in a bit of a rut trying to figure out what to do with myself. I was still a bit depressed and struggling. I was having outbursts and panic attacks over seemingly silly things. I started having facial ticks. I went to the neurologist and was told I had a likely diagnosis of Huntington’s disease. (It’s not something they don’t officially diagnose for insurance reasons.) Turns out I have a family history of it. So, I started a medication to help manage and that was that. My husband called it bull**** and told me I was worrying over nothing and I didn’t have this problem and it was all in my head. My husband then felt the need to sit me down and tell me how disappointed he was in me that I was so depressed and was having such a hard time at life. He told me I wasn’t meeting his expectations and that I needed to do better. Honestly – in so many words, that’s what he said. That only sunk me deeper. I had tried to get off the ground with school (to finish the degree I was pursuing when I got pregnant) at one point, but with no child care during the day and no time built in for me to study (not to mention having to prep everything including dinner and pump for bottles for when I was gone), I realized I was setting myself up to fail and dropped the class before it even got off the ground. We still had this house thing on the back burner and my husband told me maybe if I could get a job for a while and start contributing that we could save more money and could make a new house happen sooner than later. So, I got a job starting at the beginning of this year. With the little I was able to make and the expense of going back to work and transportation, daycare, etc., we’re really making no headway at all. In fact, we’ve spent money from our savings recently and it’s gone down. My husband told me I needed to ask for more money. Then I needed to stop buying clothes for work. Then I needed to do this, do that… 

During all of this he’s finally been able to lose some weight. He spent 5K (yes, $5,000) on a treadmill, but I was supportive because he needed to lose it. So he’s lost about a hundred pounds when the ribbing starts to come about me. “Why don’t you go work out?” “Are you sure you want to eat that? <pig noises>” Keep in mind I weigh now maybe about 5 lbs more than when I met him – and I had a baby in between all of this. He’s being critical of me and taking shots at me every chance he can get. 

I’m no innocent party here. I’ve had my fair share of **** to put back on him. Mainly when it comes to him being SO messy or in helping with the baby. But, he struggles with listening, so even though anything I ask usually starts out nice and constructive, he’s not listening until about the 34th time, when I’m officially nagging (or yelling) and pissed. 

We’re at an impasse. He wants a divorce, but I wanted to work on things. Things are terribly awkward at home. Before all of this, he drained our joint savings and told me I was going to pay for X, Y, Z now and that was how it was. I make about 1/3 of what he makes, so it’s really difficult for me to make it work financially right now. I don’t know what to do without starting another fight with him. He doesn’t listen to me. Ever. 

In the midst of all of this, I have a male friend who I’ve been leaning on. This is someone who existed in my life before my husband did and who I reconnected with when I started working again (because he actually works near where I work). Totally plutonic, but my husband has had a problem with it. He happens to be divorced, so when my husband told me he wanted a divorce, naturally, he was the first person I turned to for help and advice.

My husband and I have been putting some space between us for now. We’re trying to keep things as normal as possible for the sake of our child while we figure things out. I don’t know what’s going to happen. One minute things seem okay – but he’s incredibly distant and very touchy and very irritable. 

I went out running errands a few weekends ago – just to get a break and to have some time for myself and this friend of mine happened to call me while I was out and asked me out for a drink if I was available. I was, so I met up with him. What happened was seriously odd, because when I showed up he was completely drunk. He was really handsy – which he’s normally not – but I staved him off and we went to get dinner. While we’re eating and he’s starting to sober up, he starts into this whole “You’re so beautiful and you don’t deserve this and I really love you, you know?” business. I thanked him, but it was incredibly awkward for me – here I am, my life is incredibly complicated and I don’t know up from down in my relationship and he’s just throwing this at me. I know he wasn’t completely sober, but I have to admit, part of me was wondering, what am I doing here? I’m trying to make something work with someone who doesn’t want it to, and here I have someone who wants to make a relationship work with me? Maybe I do have feelings for him? (I’m a bit lost, but I keep reinvestigating my feelings on this.) At the end of the night, I told him we couldn’t be friends after this if I was going to work on my marriage. And I went home and my husband (the one who wants to divorce me) was all, “where were you and who were you with?” as if it was his business where I was and who I was with! (You don’t want to be with me, but you can have some sort of say in who I am with if it’s not you??) So I told him and said the bridge was burned, done, over. I wouldn’t be friends with this man anymore. I thought it would help ease the tension, letting go of a friend he didn’t like and has so much animosity towards, but it hasn’t. I feel like all he’s doing is trying to cut me down at the knees and make life as miserable for me as he can while we’re still together. I’m seriously afraid of what he’ll do next. I came home and half of my clothes were knocked off the hangers in the closet, he’s made a royal mess of all the toys with our child and not even bothered to pick up, leaving, waiting until I need to leave to go grocery shopping (once our child is asleep), and then all of a sudden he has to leave to go to a movie. He’s purposely making everything trying and inconvenient for me. He even went to the lengths of scheduling a counselling session, making me rearrange my day at work to go, then cancelling at the last minute and not telling me, only to tell me he can’t go and to go by myself when I leave to go to the appointment! I mean, it’s screwing with my job. That I now need. He’s trying to start things with me and make me mad so I’ll blow up at him and then he’ll have more ammo. It’s ridiculous.

I’m at a loss and while I wanted to work on things, I just don’t know if I can deal with this level of maturity for the rest of my life. I’m fearful nothing will ever change and he’ll just be a ****-stirrer constantly holding divorce over my head when things don’t go how he expects them to.


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## Reese100 (Jun 19, 2012)

Whether or not your husband wants to work it out, you need to get yourself centered and also some professional support. Get this book so you can understand what is running you and the dynamics of abusive relationships. There are self-help techniques you can use immediately and a guide to finding a therapist that give you what you need in Appendix B.

Getting Past Your Past

Amazon.com: Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy (9781594864254): Francine Shapiro: Books


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi WontStop -- Sorry that you're in this situation -- sounds horrible. And I can def sympathize with the post-partum depression being I had it too -- twice. My husband couldn't understand it but he was supportive.
I agree you need professional support in the form of IC and MC -- if your husband won't go, then go yourself. 
I commend you for letting go of the guy friend -- just focus on yourself and the marriage for now.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

wontstop said:


> I'm stuck in a situation right now and I don't know what my next move should be anymore...
> ...
> We’re at an impasse. He wants a divorce, but I wanted to work on things. Things are terribly awkward at home. Before all of this, he drained our joint savings and told me I was going to pay for X, Y, Z now and that was how it was. I make about 1/3 of what he makes, so it’s really difficult for me to make it work financially right now. I don’t know what to do without starting another fight with him. He doesn’t listen to me. Ever.
> ...
> ...



Your husband wants a divorce, but you don't. Let me rephrase -- your husband does not want to remain married, but you want to remain married. This is not going to happen. If one of you wants out, then the marriage ends. You don't want to keep him tied to you against his will, do you? No. Nor should you be in a relationship where you have to coerce the person into being with you. He says he wants a divorce? Say okay and give him one. Either he means it or he doesn't. If he means it then nothing you do will convince him to stay. If he doesn't mean it, then leaving it in his hands will make him figure out whether or not he wants to stay because he will be the one initiating change.

You're cheating on your husband with your male friend. You clearly don't want to be married all that much or you wouldn't be cheating. Quit talking to the Other Man until you have ended your marriage. Your interactions with OM are clouding your judgment. If indeed he is only a platonic friend, then you will not have any problem setting this friendship to the side. If indeed he is only a platonic friend, then he will understand and so will you. You've invited another person into your marriage and so you have resigned yourself to its failure already. Now quit cheating and if you want to hook up with (I mean: lean on for support) OM, then wait until divorce papers are filed. Shame on you.

He says he wants out. You say you're not sure you want to deal with him. This is not an impasse. The answer is obvious -- you should both agree to divorce each other and then you can chase OM and your husband can chase OW (I'm guessing he's got something on the side for which he is departing). You'll both be better off with other people who are better matched to you.


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## busybody24 (Jun 24, 2012)

moxy said:


> Your husband wants a divorce, but you don't. Let me rephrase -- your husband does not want to remain married, but you want to remain married. This is not going to happen. If one of you wants out, then the marriage ends. You don't want to keep him tied to you against his will, do you? No. Nor should you be in a relationship where you have to coerce the person into being with you. He says he wants a divorce? Say okay and give him one. Either he means it or he doesn't. If he means it then nothing you do will convince him to stay. If he doesn't mean it, then leaving it in his hands will make him figure out whether or not he wants to stay because he will be the one initiating change.
> 
> You're cheating on your husband with your male friend. You clearly don't want to be married all that much or you wouldn't be cheating. Quit talking to the Other Man until you have ended your marriage. Your interactions with OM are clouding your judgment. If indeed he is only a platonic friend, then you will not have any problem setting this friendship to the side. If indeed he is only a platonic friend, then he will understand and so will you. You've invited another person into your marriage and so you have resigned yourself to its failure already. Now quit cheating and if you want to hook up with (I mean: lean on for support) OM, then wait until divorce papers are filed. Shame on you.
> 
> He says he wants out. You say you're not sure you want to deal with him. This is not an impasse. The answer is obvious -- you should both agree to divorce each other and then you can chase OM and your husband can chase OW (I'm guessing he's got something on the side for which he is departing). You'll both be better off with other people who are better matched to you.


I love the quotes at the end. I am married to evil.


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