# first issue during reconciliation



## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

So my H and I have been in R for 3 weeks now. He is showing me everyday his remorse and has been trying his best to improve our relationship. 
Last night was our first little test..WS came home in a grumpy mood from work while I was on treadmill. He was acting upset that I was "doing my own thing" and he needed attention. I told him when I completed I would devote my attention to him. It took a lot out if me not to tell him all the things I still needed to do to maintain the household. He contniued his sour mood during dinner and I held back, keeping a smile on my face. After our daughter was in bed, I sat with him and gave him all my attention and told him we could talk about anything he wanted. THere were so many different responses I could have chosen, but I chose to support him in his time of need.
The question I am having is: why is he going through so many emotions when I am the BS? How long will this go on? 
On a good note, about an hour later, he overcame his bad mood and thanked me for being understanding and that he can't imagine being anywhere else but with his family. 
This R is extremely hard and its only been 3 weeks.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

3rotties said:


> So my H and I have been in R for 3 weeks now. He is showing me everyday his remorse and has been trying his best to improve our relationship.
> Last night was our first little test..WS came home in a grumpy mood from work while I was on treadmill. He was acting upset that I was "doing my own thing" and he needed attention. I told him when I completed I would devote my attention to him. It took a lot out if me not to tell him all the things I still needed to do to maintain the household. He contniued his sour mood during dinner and I held back, keeping a smile on my face. After our daughter was in bed, I sat with him and gave him all my attention and told him we could talk about anything he wanted. THere were so many different responses I could have chosen, but I chose to support him in his time of need.
> The question I am having is: why is he going through so many emotions when I am the BS? How long will this go on?
> On a good note, about an hour later, he overcame his bad mood and thanked me for being understanding and that he can't imagine being anywhere else but with his family.
> This R is extremely hard and its only been 3 weeks.


Maybe he was feeling sorry for himself and missed the "other" life?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

*First I want to say how proud I am, as a BS, of the way you handled the situation. It is hard for a WS to recognize that ANY change in the mood sends us on another twist in the rollercoaster.*

The question I am having is: why is he going through so many emotions when I am the BS? 

*If he is anything like my husband....SHAME and GUILT for what he did. It could also be his mind trying to justify his previous excuses during the affair. See she does not give me attention, she nags, she thinks of only herself, she does not care what I am going through. You passed a test put forth by his mind.*

How long will this go on? 

*Until he can forgive himself....also known to be about as long as it takes you to get over everything. And every situation is different.*

On a good note, about an hour later, he overcame his bad mood and thanked me for being understanding and that he can't imagine being anywhere else but with his family. 
This R is extremely hard and its only been 3 weeks. 

*You are at the tip of the iceburg in R. Heck I am only 7 months out and not even close to half way there. It is hard work. I always say it is not for the faint of heart. Keep working hard and I hope he keeps up his end of the bargin. GOOD LUCK!!!*


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

Thank you! Its very difficult to not engage into an argument and place blame when he acts like this. I keep telling myself that this is only the beginning and that there will be many more difficulties to overcome. I just hope I can continue to refrain from saying hurtful things.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

3rotties said:


> Thank you! Its very difficult to not engage into an argument and place blame when he acts like this. I keep telling myself that this is only the beginning and that there will be many more difficulties to overcome. I just hope I can continue to refrain from saying hurtful things.


It is a hard thing to balance, but be sure that you are not just holding your emotions at bay. They tend to explode if you do.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Hey I relate to how you feel. Its been 2.5 months for me and I still have to bite my tongue at times. 

But I can tell you right now that your H is suffering too because my partner certainly is. He is so ashamed of himself. He feels rediculous and not worthy of me. It has even affected his libido. We have not had sex since we reconciled!!

You need the patience of a saint..


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I suspect a lot of WS keep their feelings to themselves, for a variety of reasons including shame, avoidance of the topic, or a desire to protect the BS. If you're going for R I think its good that your WS shares his thoughts, or he will end up withholding things for fear of a reaction and that path is clearly not good. Or, going to someone else. During my DWs false R I practically begged her to tell me what trials she was undergoing, that it was okay to talk about her feelings even if it was negative. You're going to have ups and downs, you both need to accept that and help each other heal. It's a horrible irony. Be supportive when you need to, he does the same. The worst is when both partners have 'bad days' at the same time. It's very hard to hold back the hate when it is boiling to the surface and my WS's remorse doesn't matter to me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Cheater here. I don't get points when I say this here but assuming he is genuinely remorseful what he is going through is extremely painful and difficult. The big difference between his pain and yours is that he earned his and accordingly his is always subordinate to yours and you shouldn't shy away from telling him so. 

I applaud you for trying to support him, it's a good thing to do but do not do it at your own expense. He made the bed, he has to sleep in it. He needs you to hold him accountable, he needs to do the work to rebuild you, him and the marriage - in large measure doing the work and being held accountable are the only things that will really help him forgive himself. When you do something stupid you have to pay the stupid tax - let him. 

3 weeks in you are just getting started, if even that, there are countless stories of false reconciliation here. 3 weeks in the torrent of emotions is such a cluster that honestly I don't really hold anyone 100% responsible - it can be pretty close to temporary insanity. Where I'm going is this. The act of coming home and putting his mood ahead of your needs is not one of remorse, yet you say he is showing you his remorse. How? There is a huge difference between sorrow and remorse. He could have made a mistake, a temporary moment of self pity, or not. So why do you say he is remorseful?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Becareful about what you assume. He is also grieving for the loss of that POS OW. He may be missing the attachment or the sex. This was something I did not understand.

In MC this came out and I was really pissed off. Grieving really? They caused the pain and I am supposed to understand they hurt?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

mahike has a really good point.

The death of a relationship with an emotional attachment hurts. The fact that it was an affair and based in fantasy doesn't change that unfortunately. So yes, if there was an emotional connection with his AP he is grieving the end of that relationship - even if he really and truly wanted it to end.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

He is hsowing his remorse by paying attention more to my needs. He is also helping out more with daily chores at home and with our daughter. Last night was the first night he seemed withdrawn. I have suspicions he is missing the OW. I keep telling myself that is normal and if I am patient, he will see that I am trying to get through this with him to improve our marriage. I hope that by telling him I am here to talk it will help. It also helps that I have been reading all your stories for 4 months now.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Those things are good and well but may or may not be indicative of real remorse. If you get more behavior like last night I would start to question it, once no, but a pattern is indicative. 

The best thing he can do to show remorse is be willing to be held accountable and stand up and take ownership of what he did. If he can stand up and say I did this, I will voluntarily pay the prices and I will do everything in my power to mitigate the damage then he is really remorseful. IMO the most obvious sign of that is being willing to openly talk to you about it - no defensiveness, no drama - just willingly (gladly even) giving you the answers you need as many times as you need them.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

3rotties said:


> He is hsowing his remorse by paying attention more to my needs. He is also helping out more with daily chores at home and with our daughter. Last night was the first night he seemed withdrawn. I have suspicions he is missing the OW. I keep telling myself that is normal and if I am patient, he will see that I am trying to get through this with him to improve our marriage. I hope that by telling him I am here to talk it will help. It also helps that I have been reading all your stories for 4 months now.


I'm worried for you. 

This is *exactly* what happened before my DW reconnected with her POSOM and reignited and escalated their affair. Helping around the house, more time at home. Withdrawn, despite my honest attempts to foster talking and genuine reconnection. 

Please do your best to get him to tell you what he's thinking-even if is hurts to hear. My DW sure didn't. I KNEW she was thinking of him... she didn't have the guts to tell me, plus she didn't want their relationship to end. He was still her best friend up until Dday2.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Those things are good and well but may or may not be indicative of real remorse. If you get more behavior like last night I would start to question it, once no, but a pattern is indicative.
> 
> The best thing he can do to show remorse is be willing to be held accountable and stand up and take ownership of what he did. If he can stand up and say I did this, I will voluntarily pay the prices and I will do everything in my power to mitigate the damage then he is really remorseful. IMO the most obvious sign of that is being willing to openly talk to you about it - no defensiveness, no drama - just willingly (gladly even) giving you the answers you need as many times as you need them.


I agree 100% with sigma. Honestly, I cannot even imagine 3 weeks into R coming home in a bad mood and telling my BS that I needed attention. Hell, I'm nearly 8 months past DDay, and I still don't feel like I can demand attention from him. 

I am not always in a great mood, but I do my very best to not take it out on my BS. He is not responsible for those feelings; I am.


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