# what to do



## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

9monts ago found husband has been emailin n txting woman he met in a bar while working abroad. wen confronted he said i was worried about nothin as it was only a couple of emails..i hav since found out it went on for 4months. we hav been married for 28years i was completely shell shocked by this i mthought we had a perefect marriage got the house n the family in fact everything just cannt understand y he did this. he has said n promised he never slept with her but i am just not sure how far it went and every time i want to ask a question it causes an argument the mails suggested they were goin to meet up again but he said they never did ? how can i move on to start to forgive him n wen do i stop checing his fone n emails ? he has told me the passwords but even so i no he can just open a new mail account n i wud neva no? i no the email address of the woman do u think i shud contact her to verify wot he has told me r just try n let it go but i feel hs has betrayed my trust.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I know it's hard to rebuild your trust especially you don't have the right or even the honest answer
It's not wise to contact her in anyway if you can't trust him how can you trust her answer plus this could bring your relationship to a worse situation.
I believe when you keep asking about her you give her more importance and make him think more about her
I am not saying to forget what happened he wants to earn your trust again all you need is to keep your eyes opened and let him feel you are trusting him when he feels you are not doubting he will act without fear maybe with more precaution but you will feel if something is going wrong 
You can focus now on your relationship what's wrong in it and what is missing that made him act this way
I don't know how your marriage was 28 years of marriage is a long time but it is not a matter of counting years it's a matter of making years count
If you were always in a happy marriage you will get over this incident and work on fixing things in your relationship to not go into a similar situation one more time
Good luck 
and i hope things will get better in your life


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

thank you for the advice..i will take notice of it but its just hard i keep goin on each day then sumthin triggers in my mind n i start to remember the mails n wot they said to each other n it really hurts me soo much i no i just need to move on if i want to stay in this relationship n but only time can build up the trust again..i need 2 for my nown health 2 it was makin me ill keep checkin things out all the time i caant go on like that anyimore..thanks again


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

28 years of marriage is something to be proud of...

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, you have devoted so many years to this man in your life and then to have one woman make such a heart ache is awful, the worst part is she prob does not care so there is no point contacting her i dont think as she clearly has no respect for your marriage, you or herself.. you will end up hurting more i believe..

So you have confronted your husband, this is the first step..
Before all this happened did he give you any reason ever to not trust him or is this the first time? I am wondering if he is going thru a mid life crises not that this is any sort of excuse... maybe he is looking for someone else to boost his confidence that he still "has it" and yes he should be looking for this with you i know but maybe she just makes him feel like he is still ok...
This is no excuse for the dishonesty he has given you, he has betrayed your trust and traeted you in a way he should not have.
I think its a good thing that he has given you his pass words and yes you maybe right that he has another email address buyt is he that type of person? you know him best out of anyone in this world???

I agree with the earlier post that says you can work on whats wrong with the marriage this is good advise but he has to know and admit his mistakes too for this to happen... open communication on both sides is a good key


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Since you posted this problem i can feel how much what you are going through is destroying you from your inside.
I know it won't be easy dealing with your jealousy anger and hurt what he did is cheating whether he slept with her or not thinking about emailing someone else the way he did and let her occupy an important place in his life and keep going even after you discovered the emails i'm sure it is cheating and what he did jeopardized your relationship I know you might be able to forgive him but you should never forget what happened never let go you can get over that with time but it depends of the way you solved it
My advice is that you need to keep in your mind that it's not a matter of this woman in his life it could be any other woman and if the problem that he is going through has not being solved he might be looking to another one very soon. To keep checking his emails will only bring hurt and suffering to you.
What you need to do is to take deep and wise look to your marriage remember if things started to change and when this started to happen be aware of the reasons of the change, if something you can fix go ahead before it's too late. If it's something related to him you need to bring everything on the table if you and your husband are able to communicate in a fair way you should do it
If the problem you or him or both of you can't fix it you need to seek marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage because what you are going through could destroy gradually your relationship
I don't have all the information in my hands it could be as pinkprincess said a midlife crisis it could be something important has disappeared with time in your relationship that made him looking for adventure or excitement outside marriage it could be for totally different reasons …......... 28 years of happy marriage worth the effort you are going to put to save your marriage

One important thing is about YOU while dealing with your relationship issues don't forget to take care of yourself even if you feel you need counseling to make you feel better with yourself do it and do what ever it will make you more happy


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

I know how hard it can be to NOT trust once you've found your spouse skirting the lines of trust. You can make yourself crazy just not knowing and trying to have "the answers". All the anxiety can lead to a quick way to lose weight but certainly not a healthy one.

I would suggest going to counseling together. I think the trick to making it work however will be not to "fix" him but rather to make your marriage stronger. Meaning for it to be effective you will need to go in with the "affair potential" on the back burner and the "I love you and want to make you happier" on the front burner. Truly think the catch more bees with honey than a shotgun often applies to making marriages stronger.

No doubt will be difficult and certainly theses issues should at some point come out ... maybe just not right away.

I am not a counselor and certainly may be living in a glass house myself...just my thoughts and god wishes to you.


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

thank for views!esp from a guy's point..he did come with me to a marriage talk so we were able to discuss things a bit n he says he does relise wot he did was wrong n thats y he neva met up with her again n ended it. he says he still dosent no y he did it..just replyed to a txt n then it all started from that..
but i guess i just want 2 no wot she has got that i havent to get that much of attention from him..is it normal for me 2 want to no wot she looks like n where she cums from r works etc??
its just so out of his character to do this i honestly wud hav trusted him with my life i neva eva thought of another woman involved but guess am so nieve sumtimes u feel soo stupid to trust sum1 that much..i dont want to split be cos of this want to work it out but dont want to loose my self respect either if u can understand..he says he loves me so much but then i think in my head then y did u do it.. i found out 1 nite wen he was home he was even talkin 2 her on the fone outside our home then cumin in 2me sleepin with me etc n i thought everythin was good!!! just makes me feel sad all the decite and lies..
he had 2 fones 1 company fone n 1 his own she had the company number thats how i neva found out for a while and he's so switched on with the computer and i havent got a clue!!
so he could manage to cover his tracks very good! it was only by chance i found the emails he had 4got to delete 4 of them i fwd them to mine n still hav them i no i need to delete them but i havent yet..


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

SittingAloneStressing. My guess is that while you thought "things were going along fine" that reality is you wished things were better too. Just maybe you thought that this is the way things got after a while... don't know. But I'm willing to bet if I asked would you like things to have been better prior to this that you would have said yes.

What's my point? My point is this? You will get no answers from finding out what she looks like, acts like whatever. If she is coming on to him, you may be Megan Fox and her Phylis Dyler, and he still may be attracted. What if she's blonde and you're a brunette -does that mean it is because he like blondes better? While it may be, reality is that it probably has nothing to do with it whatsoever. You see in reality "she" matters not at all. What matters is you and your husband.

I SO get the "I gotta have the answers" thing. I needed to get a bit of medical help to relieve my anxiety and constant rehashing of everything in my head. I'm really glad I did. Reality is the more info you have will most likely not really help you, only give you more possibilities to rehash around in your head. At least that is how my gathering of more info was for me.

Oh yes, back to paragraph one  Reality is you two probably are not talking as much, flirting as much, touching as much smiling as much, laughing as much, complimenting as much as you used to. Those are wonderful feelings! While I'm not in any way condoning what he has done or saying it is OK,( it isn't) I would guess something in this realm is truly the attraction - not HER per say, but rather the fun or thrill of the above list he is getting from her.

If you are anything like me your next question is - "Why didn't he just try to get those things with me?" First guess is he didn't know how much he missed them until he was given them again. You ever have a dessert/or meal/appetizer you made and everyone loved it but for some reason you just stopped making it? Pretty much even forgot about it ever existing? Maybe it was like that ...don't really know. Maybe he did know he was missing it. Odds are even pretty decent the fun/love/flirting he was really missing was YOU and he couldn't put his finger on it or communicate it to you.

If you feel I'm saying this is your fault - don't hear that. It isn't. If you back to the first paragraph or things I've said you probably thought _ Yea, I'd like that stuff again or more too. The difference is he went out of line. Whether it was due to him having the opportunity and not you doesn't matter. 

Sounds like you really want to work this out. I've tried to help you understand the way things MAY be, of course I don't know. I don't know how things really are between you two, how much time you spend talking with each other, flirting, making love... We each come from our own life experiences, family backgrounds etc so we often look at things differently because of that. From me reading just what I've seen, I think you two have good odds not only getting back together but making things stronger and quite a bit more enjoyable than they ever were between the two of you.

I really think counseling would help here. I know a lot of people tend to bulk because of money or time or just the implication of NEEDING a counselor but there all pretty poor excuses. Especially the money one. Counseling is MUCH less expensive than divorce no matter how much it costs


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

omg.hav just read your reply n it makes a lot of sense thank you soo much for taking the time!! yes things were not so good around the time he did this i hav already thought back about this but i put it down to the job he was don at the time thought that was y he wasnt happy..i must admit since its all cum out i am outting alot more into our relationship n we do spend a hell of alot more time togetha cos thinkin bac mayb that was a problem he was workin away from home far to long spells at a time but now thats changed..for the better! and yes your prob right whats the point of wantin to no wot she looks like tec just more things goin on in my head like you say..hav got cope with wot i no n thats been hard enough..
thats wot he said about it it was the fun of it gave him bit if a fantasy but wen she wanted to meet up again to go to a hotel he cudnt he said he panicked didnt want that??
i like the bit you said about the starters n deserts!! very true!
he is tryin 2 work things out with me weve been away for romantic weekends etc everythin is good there proberly better than b4 n he has asked me if i want to renew our wedding vows? he has promised he will never do this again to me n feels so guilty that in his words "he was so weak" i think mayb if i can get ova it it will make us a stronger couple i guess these sort of situations test you eh? i did check out a counsellor but neva manged to go to c her mayb i shud? this site has been the most helpful to me just havin som1 to discuss my feelin with n talk makes it feel a lot better
thanks again omg will keep u posted on outcome!! hope its a good 1!!


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

Le vieux sage said:


> Since you posted this problem i can feel how much what you are going through is destroying you from your inside.
> I know it won't be easy dealing with your jealousy anger and hurt what he did is cheating whether he slept with her or not thinking about emailing someone else the way he did and let her occupy an important place in his life and keep going even after you discovered the emails i'm sure it is cheating and what he did jeopardized your relationship I know you might be able to forgive him but you should never forget what happened never let go you can get over that with time but it depends of the way you solved it
> My advice is that you need to keep in your mind that it's not a matter of this woman in his life it could be any other woman and if the problem that he is going through has not being solved he might be looking to another one very soon. To keep checking his emails will only bring hurt and suffering to you.
> What you need to do is to take deep and wise look to your marriage remember if things started to change and when this started to happen be aware of the reasons of the change, if something you can fix go ahead before it's too late. If it's something related to him you need to bring everything on the table if you and your husband are able to communicate in a fair way you should do it
> ...


thanks so much i will take on board wot u hav suggested i do love him n thats y it hurts so much that he did this i think ayb pp is rite about the midlife c he is abit obbsessed about bein 50 this year i no its no excuse but am gonna try n move on i feel a lot better 2day after reading posts just to hav people to talk to makes such a differance..like omg says wot difference does it maake wot ow looked like it happened and i hav to deal with it
thanks again!


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

pinkprincess said:


> 28 years of marriage is something to be proud of...
> 
> I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, you have devoted so many years to this man in your life and then to have one woman make such a heart ache is awful, the worst part is she prob does not care so there is no point contacting her i dont think as she clearly has no respect for your marriage, you or herself.. you will end up hurting more i believe..
> 
> ...


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

thats y it so difficult 28 years i am angrey because he neva thought of the consequenses of his actions just thought about himself..i do think pp is rite about the midlife c bit mayb that cud b wot happened to him not that its any excuse but he is a bit obsessed about his age n hittin 50 this year! but after talkin to everyone on this sit it has made me feel better!
i no i will not b so nieve in the future and keep a closer eye on things! by the way this is the first time it has happened that i no of i honestly dont think it happened b4 cos i wud hav had sum inclinations b4 like i must hav this time cos at the end of the day y did i chec the email account it there must hav been sumthin naggin at me..do u agree?
thanks again


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Keeping a closer eye it's like looking over his shoulders maybe you feel you need it at the beginning and he needs to earn your trust again but be careful not to exaggerate and when things get back to normal you need to keep your self confidence and use your wisdom to detect any change in your life don't let go things because letting go will accumulate problems until they blow up.
You are right you will feel any change like you felt it this time but before the change happened there are signs maybe small ones that started long time before and those signs are what you need to be aware of in the future before any change occurs
I don't mean you need to be under stress all the time just live your life and use your wisdom you will be fine
Plus i can see how much you are patient smart wise loving caring and foremost a happy person and ready to go on and get over what happened and the great attitude that you have will help your marriage to heal fast and will support your husband if he is going through midlife crisis
Remember supporting him is not about finding excuses for his bad behavior or letting go things or even stressing your life to give him support , supporting him is by understanding what he is going through and finding together a way to solve the issue

I like also to remind you to not forget YOU enjoy your time live your life and work on yourself to be always confident and happy


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

thanks le vieux sage for your reply i will certainly keep closer eye on him i do want to get this sorted n move on i feel i hav wasted enough of my life thinkin its clearly doin my head in..i hav good days n bad days though dont no if u read the thread about the mails if i shud delete them r wot n about the vows he wants to do again i just dont no if i am ready to take them agin r not i feel if am still askin questions in my head i mayb shud wait a while??
i hope i can get back to being the happy n confident person i was b4 this happened cos then i no things will work out i am just not goin 2b sooo dependant on him again n try n b happy go lucky then he may think twice bout doing it again..i just hate the thought of him sayin in the mails "lots of love n xxx's" to another woman! but i suppose in time i may come to terms with it..n forget it..tahnks again


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

by the way i cannt talk to him about my feelings cos he just keeps sayin we cannt move on if i keep goin back!!!!!!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

All of the books and articles you'll read will tell you that you need to talk about it and get your questions answered before you can move on.

But the reality is that you can't force him to talk about it if he doesn't want to.

Keep your eyes opened - watch him closely without intruding, but also give him credit if it appears he is behaving.

If he is doing the right things, and you have no reason to suspect any more problems, then it might be best for you to move on and accept that you may never have all of your questions answered.

Find other people or use this forum to talk about your concerns and insecurities. You have every right to feel this way and to want answers, but you risk pushing him away if he's truly put this behind him.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I know what happened might erode your self confidence 
This is a helpful link you may find all you need to know in different helpful sites 
how improve self confidence after husband cheating - Google Search
To fix a marriage especially after what you went through it needs both of you to work on not only you He should not tell you what you should do he needs to give you the enough time to heal from the inside of you he needs to understand your feelings and how hard it is the decision to move on that you decided to do he needs to understand it takes seconds to break a mirror but how long it takes to fix it or make it
About the vows you don't have to do anything you are not ready for it first i would suggest counseling to help both of you
and let him get things in the hard way so he will think more than twice before he do it again
As for the emails you know what you should do with them if i had them i keep them as evidence i keep them without checking them every time because they will increase my anger and keep my wound open but i might get back to them after everything being settled down and after i get over things i keep them to remind me about things i should not forget with time and keeping me aware of any change
About giving you his passwords it's a way he may used it to regain your trust it doesn't say he is not going to do it again or having another account but it's helpful to give you his willing and promise to be faithful this is a step it needs to be followed with so many other steps and strong patience because it's about time you may build this trust back or you may not as i said it's the hard and long term work for both of you to be able to succeed

I talked a lot but hopefully i was able to say things in a helpful way

Good luck


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## Mischelstraus (Apr 9, 2010)

People lie and hide because it’s easy. I know it's hard to rebuild your trust. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Sometimes I am uncertain to reply to a post because I am not expert on marriage or other issues. Just god wishes to you.
Good luck.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

About the mails it's up to you to delete them or not but if this happened with me i would keep them for many reasons i don't 
They are evidence about something happened and i don't delete them coz i don't know how i might need them in the future
but i don't advice you to keep checking them coz this is very hurtful and you won't be able to get over this situation if you keep reminding yourself of the minor details i am not saying to forget what happened this is me i could be wrong but that's what i do

As for the vows you don't have to do what you are not totally ready for it no vows for the moment and he needs to admit your reaction after what he did to you
you need to express your feelings and if he is not able to admit that i advice you to talk to a counselor to know how to take out your dark thoughts and how to deal better with your situation


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Two thing to add 
first sorry for writing 2 similar replies i thought you didn't get the first one but when i checked the second page i found two similar replies with different dates 

second i felt it's really hard for you to get over when something still hiding i don't know if you are going to try it but you can install a keylogger on his computer so you can download his activity so you can know if he has other email you like that everything will be clear for you, and also you can print out the phone records


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

thanks for replies!! yeh i do already check his personal fone records but am unable to check the company fone? and as for key logger i really wud'nt hav a clu how to do this and wud b worried if he found out cos i think that wud make things worse at the mo..he is behaving well at the mo but he knows i am always on the lookout so i think its best if i let things cool down for a bit and take it from there?? i willl never let my guard down again as they say "once bitten" i hav learned my lesson its sad cos i really did trust him with my life n never ever thought anything like this cud happen but you shud never say never eh!


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

by the way i hav password for email so i do check these constantly but there has been nothin for few months now.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

The reason i said so is because you mentioned that the emails say they are going to meet again and you are still having your doubts of him having another email account if he isn't expert about the computer it's a very small piece
this one i saw it at the amazon.com here is the description (The Keykatcher 64K is the world's smallest advanced keylogger. It's only 4cm long yet it can store over 65,000 keystrokes including e-mail, chat, IM, Internet addresses and other computer activity! These key loggers are ideal for home or professional use.It is the easiest way to monitor your PC. Simply unplug your keyboard and plug the Keykatcher key recorder into the keyboard port. Then plug the keyboard into the Keykatcher and it's ready to record. There is no software to install! As keys are typed the data is stored inside a non-volatile memory chip within the device. When you want to see what's been recorded simply opens any word processor or text editor (Microsoft WordPad recommended) and types your personal password. The Keykatcher keylogger will display a menu allowing you to view what's been recorded or you can search the data using NetPatrol or a keyword search.)
don't do things because you are scared of something do them because you are convinced they are right and don't wait the truth to come to you go for it so you can have peace of mind definitely and what you decide will be the right thing
now you have in your hands everything you can do you chose what makes you feel better
Good luck


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## sittingalonestressin (Oct 12, 2009)

thanks le vieux for info but h is very switched on with computer its me thats not so good! 
i hav just read your threads bless u! dont loose your faith i am catholic too n i no for sure god will help us throu..u r such a good person and deserve better and one day u will..god bless you


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you sittingalonestressin for your thoughtfulness and comforting reply
God is working in my life i can feel that 
i need to see things more clear to be able to help myself and chose what is right for me for him and for my kids
Thank you and Good luck for you God bless you too


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