# need some support please!!



## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

I've been here on TAM since the beginning of June. My first post was in "Considering D or Sep", then it moved to "going thru Separation."

Now I'm here. Please don't welcome me!!

So the wife is fully in the fog. she is lying to everyone. she is lost. I have hard evidence re EA. not sure, but PA is likely, though short lived. I am seeing a therapist at least 2 times a week for the past 3 weeks since I found the evidence, trying to both work on myself, and approach this constructively instead of destructively. W knows I suspect, as I told her. She does not know that I have evidence. At this point, she is even texting and phoning him- on our family plan. she is lost, and maybe wants to get caught.

As part of her separation from me, she is currently taking our 2 kids on a vacation to visit her mother. The OM is half way across the country. She is going thru some very dark emotional times, and I can see it rubbing off on the kids. This makes me extremely angry. she is neglecting the kids in her fog, and they are worse off for it.

I am trying my hardest not to go public with the information yet. On the advice of my IC, our MC, and for the fact that if it blows up, and I am not there for the kids, they will suffer.

But I am so d**m P****d off right now. she is lost in the fog, so as a human, I feel terrible for her, and I feel a certain amount of empathy for her pain. But she is treating everyone she contacts like a POS, lying to friends, family, the kids, and of course me. 

I've got to hold it in for another week. I am working out alot, taking ownership of the house- painting the kid's bedroom, re-arranging furniture, possibly re-decorating a little. hanging out with friends, and talking with close family. working with IC.

I talk to the kids every day, they are tough, and will get thru another week. 

At first, I wanted to reconcile, as I still believed in love, and for the kids. this is slipping, and I am beginning to doubt her ability to look at her actions. but I don't want to make any emotional decisions, especially before I can constructively approach this.

Please, I need support. not sure how, or in what form, but I am feeling scared, frustrated and angry. all normal, i realize, but I am close to blowing this up, and intellectually, I know that now is not the time. there is no rush.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I disagree with your counselors in regards to exposure, exposure can help at times to bring her out of the fog by having her face consequences

what do you know about OM, if he is married or has a GF then start with exposing to her


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Did you confront her?
Did you tell her that she is in communication with AP, and you dont approve of it?
Did you put boundaries?


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

I agree, exposure will likely be necessary, but the timing is not right yet. she has the kids, far from home. If she crashes and burns, they will be caught in the middle of her flailing.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Did you confront her?
> Did you tell her that she is in communication with AP, and you dont approve of it?
> Did you put boundaries?


I have not officially confronted her- only told her I suspected. more to confirm the level of her lies to me.

I want to confront in a constructive manner, at our MC.

this will likely happen in a lttle over a week, when W returns 'home' with our darling kids, ages 3.5 and 6.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Exposure will help for sure but only when the children are in your care. Then you can protect them from the fallout. Also its best to expose the truth to friends and family before they here the lies. Sympathetic loved ones can make a rough situation much more bearable.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

please answer is OM married?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Also you said you are taking ownership of the home. Are you depositing your income in a separate bank account or is it still being funneled into your joint account where your wife can access it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you have the needed information to also expose the OM to his SO?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

OM is not married. he is young- grad with BA an 2011 i believe. he is a player. took 3 girls numbers at a bar before his new "girlfriend" (my W) was coming into town. they met in mexico- it;'s a long story.

my W is 38, just went to her 20 high school reunion.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Also you said you are taking ownership of the home. Are you depositing your income in a separate bank account or is it still being funneled into your joint account where your wife can access it?


I have restricted cash supply, confiscated kids passports. but she has kids out of town, so I cant completely cut her off.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yes expose - I too felt some kind of reason to not expose my ex's infidelity, felt like it was reflecting on me, or that it may harm my chances at R... in hindsight, the longer you wait the further she will be - assuming at this point you would still even consider R.

I exposed, even after "promising" her I wouldn't on d-day#2, which is when I realized R was no longer on table. She was peeved, called yelling, saying why did I break my promise, why was I putting her family and friends in the middle of all this, they don't need to know or want to know, yada yada. It was fog talk big time. Wish I'd have done it the moment after I confronted her and got the trickle truth. Do it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

blindsideddad said:


> OM is not married. he is young- grad with BA an 2011 i believe. he is a player. took 3 girls numbers at a bar before his new "girlfriend" (my W) was coming into town. they met in mexico- it;'s a long story.
> 
> my W is 38, just went to her 20 high school reunion.


Whew! For a moment there I thought you were HurtinginTN, since your story is almost exactly like his when I read your intial post.

Continue to gather your evidence. With her being away, this is a good time for you to gather it. Since this is a long distance affair, she is most likely using the computer too. You may even discover even more. They most likely chatted and skyped. Let me know if you want to find out how to get the facebook chats and skype logs.

Lawyer up and find out what your options are. Then you can confront her when she gets back with the kids. If you want R, then you need to kill the affair, and that means exposure, and unfortunately, serving her with divorce papers. Remember, divorce takes a while, you can postpone it or cancel it if you need to and if she comes out of the fog and does the work to R.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

I have several reasons for not exposing yet. 
-I want to do is constructively
-I don't want to put the kids in the path of the flailing that is sure to ensue.
-I feel bad for her (!!)
-I don't want to lose the kids- even 50/50 is too little. (I live in a "no fault" state. that's the worst part)

I am not worried about my reputation, or confidence. My self confidence has never been better since finding this A. 

what is trickle truth?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

blindsideddad said:


> I've been here on TAM since the beginning of June. My first post was in "Considering D or Sep", then it moved to "going thru Separation."
> 
> Now I'm here. Please don't welcome me!!
> 
> ...


Gather your evidence and expose her. 

I regret not doing this early on. 

For months I had to swallow poop every time some mutual friend would tell me what a great nice guy I was married too, yadda yadda. 

Sometimes I squelched myself other times I would ask them why they though he was such a great nice guy?

Usually, thy would look surprised and start sputtering. I also asked them how well they knew him and that caused more sputtering.

In any case, I wish I had exposed the affair to the OWs spouse immediately as well as to friends and family. 

I know the counselors say not to, but really, I think this caused a lot of harm to my mind because I had to act normal in front of everyone while my heart was crushed and bleeding.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Whew! For a moment there I thought you were HurtinginTN, since your story is almost exactly like his when I read your intial post.
> 
> Continue to gather your evidence. With her being away, this is a good time for you to gather it. Since this is a long distance affair, she is most likely using the computer too. You may even discover even more. They most likely chatted and skyped. Let me know if you want to find out how to get the facebook chats and skype logs.
> 
> Lawyer up and find out what your options are. Then you can confront her when she gets back with the kids. If you want R, then you need to kill the affair, and that means exposure, and unfortunately, serving her with divorce papers. Remember, divorce takes a while, you can postpone it or cancel it if you need to and if she comes out of the fog and does the work to R.


Yes, please. they use skype, FB, and AT&T texting. I have alot of FB and skype screed grabs, but not much recent juicy stuff. I have her PWs. she is not too careful, apparently fog effects mental processing. which is why i worry about the kids alone with her. she is neglecting them. ARRGGHH!!

I have lawyer-ed up.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Trickle truth is truth that comes out in spurts so to speak like they give just enough to lessen their pain but still divulge their secrets


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

blindsideddad said:


> I have several reasons for not exposing yet.
> -I want to do is constructively
> -I don't want to put the kids in the path of the flailing that is sure to ensue.
> -I feel bad for her (!!)
> ...


Stop feeling sorry for her. It will serve no constructive purpose for you. 

There is no constructive way to confront an affair or the ensuing fog behaviors.

IMO, the direct approach is best for YOU.

Talk to a lawyer, many no fault states also allow one to file fault for emotional/physical abuse or infidelity.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

as far as the terms like trickle truth click the newbie link in my signature for explanations and other things that should help you


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

blindsideddad said:


> Yes, please. they use skype, FB, and AT&T texting. I have alot of FB and skype screed grabs, but not much recent juicy stuff. I have her PWs. she is not too careful, apparently fog effects mental processing. which is why i worry about the kids alone with her. she is neglecting them. ARRGGHH!!
> 
> I have lawyer-ed up.


*Fchat*

Fchat - CNET Download.com










*SkypeLogView v1.36 - Skype Log Viewer (.dbb and main.db files)*

Skype Logs Reader/Viewer (.dbb and main.db files)










I have AT&T too, what kind of phone?


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

She has asked for a divorce, though has done nothing but buy a Nolo DIY divorce book. instead of preparing herself by looking for a place, getting a job etc, she is on a 2 week vacation. FOG!!!

so, I am not of the mind that filing will force her hand. It will free her to live in her fantasy.

could be wrong, please, countering opinions are welcome.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> as far as the terms like trickle truth click the newbie link in my signature for explanations and other things that should help you


thx!


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> *Fchat*
> 
> Fchat - CNET Download.com
> 
> ...


iphone. we have a mac at home- so that's where skype and FB happen, though she is primarily on the phone now. 

thinking of making her think I have installed logger on the phone so that she turns to the computer again.

but, really, I have all the evidence that I need. more is better, but I am trying to also use my time for self improvement, and acceptance.

can I get the texts from ATT if we are on a family plan?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

blindsideddad said:


> iphone. we have a mac at home- so that's where skype and FB happen, though she is primarily on the phone now.
> 
> thinking of making her think I have installed logger on the phone so that she turns to the computer again.
> 
> ...


AT&T will not release those texts without a court subpoena. Everytime the iphone syncs to itunes on the computer, it creates a backup file which you can access. 

*Decipher TextMessage*

How to save / export SMS messages to your computer. Windows or Mac. Decipher TextMessage.










*iPhone Backup Extractor*

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac










*MobileSyncBrowser
for Mac + PC*

MobileSyncBrowser | View and Recover your iPhone data


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> -I don't want to lose the kids- even 50/50 is too little. (I live in a "no fault" state. that's the worst part)


Lawyer up asap, find out where you stands. Follow his advice to a T.

She's not the woman you know anymore. She changed. You can't control her. She believes herself a cougar. Her loss. Thare are outhere very good women waiting for you. She's not.

IMHO at this point you should file and go dark on her. If she has potential to snap of the fog that's yout only chance. Moving on with your life, with your kids 50-50 and totally ignoring her.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

blindsideddad said:


> She has asked for a divorce, though has done nothing but buy a Nolo DIY divorce book. instead of preparing herself by looking for a place, getting a job etc, she is on a 2 week vacation. FOG!!!
> 
> so, I am not of the mind that filing will force her hand. It will free her to live in her fantasy.
> 
> could be wrong, please, countering opinions are welcome.


I think you are wrong. 

Let me explain. Your own words. DIY divorce book, then off on vacation? No place to live? No income? No future plans? Vacation.

Then you serve her with REAL Divorce papers, from a REAL lawyer with REAL interest in protecting YOUR marital interest as an individual, and she finally sees reality. Out of fog. Oh Dear! What is she going to do? Where is she going to live?

So yes, I think reality will bite her when you file for divorce on YOUR terms. After that, I have no idea what her game plan will be - except to fight you or try to get you to take her back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As soon as she gets back from vacation it will all be good. See in her mind saying she wants a divorce is just like being divorced.

In her mind she can sleep with any guy she wants while on vacation.

In her mind she can come back home it it will be all good.

In her mind she won't have one pit of concern in passing on a STD when she tries to sleep with you , a tactic in her mind that will get her back in the good graces with her husband after she sexes him up.

I warn you sir, the possiblity is there, think about it, this "vacation" was planned out well in advance and even the "come back plan" may have been in the mix.

So keep investigating and also prepare for the mind f^ck that is coming your way.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yes, don't believe any sort of change in her attitude is genuine.

Also, does she REALLY think that some 22 year old player is going to make a 38 year married mom his exclusive girlfriend/fiance/wife?

I mean, COME ON!!

(I say that in my best and most obnoxious Chicago accent)


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

blindsideddad said:


> I have several reasons for not exposing yet.
> -I want to do is constructively
> -I don't want to put the kids in the path of the flailing that is sure to ensue.
> -I feel bad for her (!!)
> ...


I know this is a tough time. The Constructive part of exposing is the lifting of the fog. It comes when friends and family know what she is up to. Let them pressure her to stop the affair. Also it will protect you to get the story out to protect you if you D.

2. yes protect the kids and wait till she is home. They are going to be emotionaly hurt no matter what you do. The longer this waits the worse it gets.

3. Do not feel bad for her. She made the choice and she choose them over her family. Be strong.

4. I know you do not want to loose custody of the kids but get this out in the daylight. Daylight cures a lot of ills.

Maybe you can R but waiting does no good. So as soon as the kids are home, take care of business


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Waiting until the kids are back in your possession is the correct approach. BUt just file and have her served on her return. Get the iphone backups and you will likely have more info than you would like. These tools all helped me obtain additional info.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just prepare yourself for the things you're about to read from her text messages, especially the pictures with the sexting.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Yes, don't believe any sort of change in her attitude is genuine.
> 
> Also, does she REALLY think that some 22 year old player is going to make a 38 year married mom his exclusive girlfriend/fiance/wife?
> 
> ...


YES, she does. you should see the horoscopes that she is supporting her fantasy on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When it comes to affairs you go throw logic out the window.

I mean she could read the ads in the back of the newspaper and still think is all about the OM.

I doubt she will find a horoscope that says your life is heading for the crapper and your family is getting torn apart so leave your lover.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> you should see the horoscopes that she is supporting her fantasy on


Horoscopes.... wow I see no hope. She's totally lost.
Once you serve her call OM and tell him to behave with your kids, inform him of their shortcomings, the frequent ilnesses, etc. Then call his parents to welcome them to the family. That's the way to scare the OM. Making it real so he feels like running Usain Bolt style in the opposite direction of STBXW. He might change university.


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

I just wrote my first draft of a confrontation letter that I will use to keep on point when the time comes. It was cathartic. 

I think I need to further plan my life without her. We share a car, and a computer for instance. 

The ironic part is that her parents had a *terrible* D, and she thinks we are going to be friendly, and friends at the end. A DIY D. Really? Please!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You need WIDE exposure to really shock her. You say she is lying to everyone and treating them like crap, well this will explain to everyone her erratic behaviour. What you need to do is change IC an MC, you are not helping her, your kids, or yourself letting her remain in this state.
REMEMBER, you have to be ready to lose your marriage to save it. and your sofe hand approach like many others have fail time an time again. Many BS have returned just in the last few weeks after rejecting the wisdom given here. Some found the A went underground, while others WW was in false R.
So you also need to be making a list of the friends and family to expose to. Exposing in MC will have her leaving there ready to do damage control with these ppl. "Oh he is saying that bc I asked for a D". Th minute she walks in with the kids, you should be on the phone or going to talk to ppl in person.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

blindsideddad said:


> I just wrote my first draft of a confrontation letter that I will use to keep on point when the time comes. It was cathartic.
> 
> I think I need to further plan my life without her. We share a car, and a computer for instance.
> 
> The ironic part is that her parents had a *terrible* D, and she thinks we are going to be friendly, and friends at the end. A DIY D. Really? Please!


Delusional. When my W and I were in deep trouble, even before her EA, she had this same delusion, that we would still all have Thanksgiving dinner together for the kids, that we would still be friends, etc, if she decided to divorce me. I told her flat out that wouldn't be possible. It's another form of cake eating.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shes in her fog. When she gets back from her vacation you should have her served with real divorce papers to knock her back into reality. 

Listen to the others here, the wife you know has left the building for a self stylized cougar who thinks a 22 yr old manwh*re will be her rock because a internet/text horoscope is telling her so. The amount of sense that sentence made is parallel to your wife's state of mind at the moment. 

The upcoming days will be rough and you must prepare for them with aggressive action so if the divorce comes, you won't be in a horrible situation like paying her alimony while she lives in your house with her boy toy


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

OHH boy. a new twist. this is a paste of part of a conversation that I had with a friend yesterday on FB. I am looking for feedback. needless to say, I am a little confused, and am not going to act on anything impulisvely. I am, however going to confront my wife on thursday. which I have begun to prepare for.

>>
Tuesday, I was talking with my sister, and therapist (separately), and sort of came to the realization that our relationship (Wifeand me) was heavily based on dysfunction. and that she likely will not be able to face the pain that she is in , which would be required to have a healthy relationship and reconcile. I am happily facing my pain, and enjoying the growth. So I sort-of mentally to her let go, *accepted* the high likelihood of divorce, actually, that I don;t want to be with her... sadness and freedom!

Yesterday (Wednesday), I had offered to give a friend of a friend a tour of my work. my friend had told me that her friend was very into [my field of work- retracted here to protect my Identity]- a fellow [my field] lover. So I offered to show her around (I hadn't met her- this was just a friendly gesture to a friend of a friend). Well, when she arrived, wow. instant sparks. we clicked. It was both a contrast to the healthy respect that I have been missing my my marriage, and just an affirmation that someone cool can think what I do is neat, that I am neat. We had lunch after the tour, ostensibly to talk about work stuff, but it was more like one of those conversations that cover everything, that you just don;t want to end. like a great date... 

I realize that I am hurting, and this in not the time etc. My judgement is not so clear right now. but then on the other hand, I am feeling something that I have never felt before. usually, when someone new likes me, I think "why?" and recoil. this time I just want to know more about her, and share my self with her. she is very interesting to me... we only spent a couple of hours together, but I could not stop thinking about her. I had a dream about her. 

the universe works in mysterious ways.
>>

when I think about [her], I smile. when I think about the other day when we met, i smile. i think about a new detail of our conversation, and I smile. 

my therapist and another friend agree that it is good that I can recognize and be open to these feelings. I find it very good that I can feel that someone has positive feelings for me, and that I did not recoil. (especially someone that I think is cool and am attracted to). typically, I think," why does this person like me? what do they want from me? they must be desperate. better withdraw a little." on the other hand, if someone does not show interest, I have been attracted to that, wanting to impress them. this shows me that I have indeed exorcised some demons. it feels great.

comments, please!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

blindsideddad said:


> I just wrote my first draft of a confrontation letter that I will use to keep on point when the time comes. It was cathartic.
> 
> I think I need to further plan my life without her. We share a car, and a computer for instance.
> 
> The ironic part is that her parents had a *terrible* D, and she thinks we are going to be friendly, and friends at the end. A DIY D. Really? Please!


BSD,

She is in the fog. There is no such thing as a friendly D when infidelity and children are in the mix.

Patience. 
Make a plan. Stick to that plan.
ANd nail her when she is home with all the evidence.

Plus if you want to try to save your marriage I would expose to everyone (friends and family) at the same time you are confronting her. 

It leaves her isolated and then bombarded with the families inquiries as to what the hell is she doing/thinking.....

And look at KanDo's suggestion seriously. Having her served when she walks in the door makes a serious statement that you will no longer tolerate her behavior.

One good thing, at least her suitcase is packed already.

Good Luck

HM64


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Delusional. When my W and I were in deep trouble, even before her EA, she had this same delusion, that we would still all have Thanksgiving dinner together for the kids, that we would still be friends, etc, if she decided to divorce me. I told her flat out that wouldn't be possible. It's another form of cake eating.


I agree. It's another form of cake eating, 

My STBEH is an only child. He told one counselor I was his family. 

Well, he thinks post divorce that we can still be friends. 

Well, I don't feel the same. I don't hold on to friends or family who stab me in the back repeatedly. 

They get one chance to screw up and after that, I wake up to reality.

It is another form of cake eating. 

He talks about how good I took care of him and how I always worried about his health and cooked healthy meals and nursed him back to health when ill, with nutrients and herbs and such.

I think he thinks I will still take care of him that way post divorce. 

Delusional or what?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Review this link.

Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)

+1 on exposing her shortly before coming and having her served at the door.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé her first to others then do the rest. Confronting her first is only going to a bunch of lies coming your way and drama. First you need to expose and knock out her support system so she can't lie to you and run to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Serve her with divorce papers as a part of the confrontation. Send her the message you are moving on, that she's losing you, rock her world now she believes at chargue.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

well IMO you should do the right thing. Let your D be finalized and over and done with before falling head over your heels. The last thing you want to do is tarnish this new relationship with mishandling the trainwreck of a marriage.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blindsideddad said:


> I realize that I am hurting, and this in not the time etc. My judgement is not so clear right now. but then on the other hand, I am feeling something that I have never felt before. usually, when someone new likes me, I think "why?" and recoil. this time I just want to know more about her, and share my self with her. she is very interesting to me... we only spent a couple of hours together, but I could not stop thinking about her. I had a dream about her.


 Right now you morally have the high ground. It will be important long term in your relationship with your friends, family and children, that you do not give this up. It will also be important long term in any new relationship that you have including with this new woman. File, push forwards with the divorce as fast as possible and then give this woman a call. As and FYI, with the divorce mess behind you, your odds with her will be better.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

glad to see your growth is recognized by you. you are finally gettign to that place where you will be find if WW and you go your own way. but I feel the D papers will knock the wind right out of her D talk.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

ok hi sorry I was banned for a while and haven't been able to get to you, I need to read up on what's going on and then I'll be back to respond, just wanna subscribe first so I can read up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

hmm well blindsided, looks like you left everyone in the dark here..last thing u said was you met another woman? It's alittle too soon for that. You need to confront and deal with your wife first. Why no update? What's going on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

Hi CSS, yes, I have been dark... Once I found acceptance, I kept moving forward in therapy and facing demons. I'm on my phone and can't type well, so must be A bit brief, ask questions if not clear.

My parents D'd when I was young. I always wondered how they were ever together. They are SO different, more so than the 'opposites attract' addage. 

Well, one day it hit me- they married for the pain that they could bring to each other, they pain that they learned life was about as kids. Dysfunction. It made perfect sense, and of course I've been working on the same stuff within myself. 

It took my wife telling me that she wanted out for me to realize I 'loved' (needed to provide the abandonment feelings that I thought defined my life). Some of my earliest memories of realizing I 'loved' my wife revolve around her hurting me so badly, I would break down; in the breakdown , I would think "wow, I must care about her if that hurts me so badly,".


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

What do you want? Make it clear..do you want a dicorce? Are you thin.king now that some other girl gives you attention that you're gonna run off into fantasyland too? Please..someone in your marriage needs to be logical. I'm sorry but you need to decide what you want, another girls attention should not be the reason for leaving the marriage. Concentrate on yourself and kids for now..if you divorce because your wife cheated then get that taken care of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

So anyhow, in realizing the dysfunction of our relationship, and I wanting to step away and have a healthy life, I accepted it all. I found peace. I have made deep connections with my whole family that I've never had, with friends old and new. My wife, on the other hand, is still tryi g to relive her parents terrible long lived battle heavy divorce. She has. No ability to see or face her personal stuff, and I have accepted this. I am happy!!

We are getting a divorce. It will be hard, but where before in my self loathing dysfunction, challenges were to be avoided, I now embrace them as an opportunity for learning and growth.

So the journey begins.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

blindsideddad said:


> It took my wife telling me that she wanted out for me to realize I 'loved' (needed to provide the abandonment feelings that I thought defined my life). Some of my earliest memories of realizing I 'loved' my wife revolve around her hurting me so badly, I would break down; in the breakdown , I would think "wow, I must care about her if that hurts me so badly,".


That is some good insight. You equated pain with love. So the more pain she threw at you, the more you thought that you must care about her.

This is exactly how people get sucked into a cycle of abuse. 

So as CSS asked, are you planning on leaving her? Is she back from her vacation yet? (Sorry, we cross-posted)


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I wish for you a fair divorve and as painless as possible. Hope you still get your kids. Hope it don't get too messy. Keep all your evidence and start lawyer shopping..I know money is an issue. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you served divorce papers yet?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

about to watch the Bears preseason game, have a good night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

Have a great therapist, and a wonderful support network, and am facing the tough issues and emotions directly. 

This is never an easy decision, nor one to take lightly, but in the end, W had made it months ago, and even if i still wanted to keep it together she is out. If I wanted to keep it together , it would only be for dysfunction. 

This realization has been incredibly freeing. And as a skeptic myself, I must address the skeptics out there. This realization came b4 meeting my friend.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yeah, about meeting your friend. That kind of skated by everyone when you posted about it before.

My strongest recommendation, if you have these serious issues concerning relationships, is that you hold off entering a new one before the old one is even over.

You probably need to learn a lot MORE about yourself before you are ready and available (and I mean emotionally, spiritually) to enter into a real relationship with another woman.

If you equate abuse with love, you need to learn a little more about that than you can possibly have done in just a few week's time.

That's just my 2 cents.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Way too fast me thinks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

Objectively, I completely agree. Way too fast. 

I have been looking at this both by myself, with my therapist, and with my GF. I have been and continue to look at my possibly unhealthy motivations. This is healthy. It passes all of the tests I have put against it.

In my past, I have recoiled from anyone who has actually liked me. I have put up barriers, and only gone for unavailable ppl. I have been attracted to pain. None of that is true here. 

I admire this person for who she is, not for who I want in a mate. She does too. In can take care of myself, I was actually looking foreword to it, not looking for a partner out of fear of being alone. We are reading a great book on relationships together. 

The timing is not ideal, but I know what my heart feels is right. In life, we play the cards we are dealt. I have never met anyone as compatible as her, and vice versa. 

I've always been a skeptic regarding 'love at first site', but I am losing thAt. So, if I had read my last posts, I too would be skeptictal. And I am, but in honestly looking, it passes my concerns, and most importantly, I trust my heart.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

You sound like you are in the fog of being in a new relationship..you see later what I mean once you realize you are just liking the attention you are getting..it's not real love. You will disagree now but you'll see for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blindsideddad (May 26, 2012)

yes, CSS. I am. We are certainly experiencing the dopamine-rush stage of a new relationship. That much is clear.

I have never been in a fog in the beginning of a relationship, bc I have only entered into them for pain that they can bring me. Not never- there was one when I was 16. otherwise, Ive never been interested in anyone who actually liked me for me.

so i am proceeding with this with openness. I am not hiding anything from GF, or from my ex. or my family and friends or therapist. I am open to opinions, and am listening to all. I continue to be completely dedicated to my children. I am a skeptic by nature, so question everything that is happening. In questioning, I continue to feel better. 

I did not ask for this. I fought my wife leaving me with everything I had. I worked hard on myself, both in therapy and on my own. She did not. I "found" myself, tried to work on our relationship, but she was not willing. She has too many childhood demons perhaps. Our relationship was based on dysfunction, and it takes 2 to change that. 

the biggest question that I see is whether or not I would become confused if my ex came to me wanting to work it out. if she was willing to face her s**t for the kids. before I met my GF (which was an accident, a friend of a friend) I had come to the absolute conclusion that that no, I would not. I have been manipulated and lied to too deeply. Been disrespected and controlled for too many years. Sure, we had fun together in the early days of the relationship, but it was mainly shallow fun, coupled with drugs. as I stated earlier (i think; I write alot), I remember the 1st time that I "realized" that my wife was important to me was a day that she had hurt me so badly, I thought "if she can hurt me this much, I must love her." the same thing happened on D-day. I had no love for her until she abandoned me. this was a pattern over and over in our relationship. I was subconsciously choosing women that would abandon me in hopes of fixing them with my love. but really, I was hoping to fix a childhood pain/crisis and childhood family problems by proxy. As soon as I realized this, and faced the pain from so many moons ago, my need for this dysfunction vanished. the pain washed away with the tide, and I become open to healthy relationships. these healthy relationships, which began with my family and friends, warmed my heart, and showed me both my own value, and the value of healthy connections. 

once I embraced all this, well, I began a new chapter of my life, one which includes a healthy partner. I did not ask to meet her, but again, such is life. and I am ridiculously happy it is happening.

I have shed many tears over the end of my marriage, even recently. it is an end of an era. I am conscious that the 'fog' could cloud my dealing with emotions that I need to experience in this divorce. I am purposely taking time to focus on feeling what I need to feel. this is the reason for this long ramble (usually, I write my journal, but i'm on a roll...). I need to process, and embrace it all. 

I am facing all of this pain, and confusion of the divorce for my own development, but my motivation is for the kids. I need to be as emotionally stable (which means accepting my feelings, embracing them, not running from them). Stable for the kids. healthy for the kids. 

wow, that as a ramble!


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