# After 30 years what's reasonable?



## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

We've been married for a little over 30 years. We have had good times and bad times. We have 3 great grown-up kids and a new grandchild. We've nursed our parents through illness and we have both lost one of our parents. Now we just don't get on any more. We are civil, not fighting or screaming at each other, but it's like we are strangers - I don't look forward to time with him and I expect it's mutual. We are both healthy but don't have sex (unless he's been looking at porn). If I can get him to sit and talk about it he just goes along with any suggestions but does not follow through. Is this what happens when you get to 50? What is a reasonable to expect from a marriage of this duration.
Help please


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

There are no written in stone rules, all couples and individuals have different wants and needs and expectations. As a couple raising kids your focus is "the family" and when those years are over and the kids are gone many couples get lost. I was always proud how all of my close friends had stayed married long term, but things changed once our kids grew and moved on, now there has beed an onslaught of divorces, including my own. 

There is lots of information out there about helping couples reconnect, therapy, retreats, counseling, groups, activities, cruises, you name it. But I think that works only if both partners are willing and looking to stay married. I think you and your husband need to have some frank discussions, maybe with a consular helping coach things along. 

There could also be some physical issues going on with your husband that he doesn't want to deal with that make him afraid of intimacy, like erection problems. Is he healthy and active? Does he have a hobby? Is he depressed or on medication? Has he had any health check ups recently? 

Really it comes down to making a decision of staying together or not, fifty is to young to just plan on being unhappy the rest of your life. If he refuses to at least try and make things different what are you ready to do?


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Remember how you felt when you first met? Try to find that again when you look into his eyes. 

What do you do together? Do you dine out? Vacation far away? Visit old memories together...where you first dated, kissed, danced, etc. 

...I'd love to do those things when I'm 50. Right now, in my mid-30's, when I see teenagers holding hands, it brings a smile to my face. It reminds me of how carefree life used to be. Sometimes, I still visit the first house I grew up in. It brings tears to my eyes to realize how far I've come and to realize how lucky I am to have my husband and kids. Once in a blue moon, I'll think about how my husband and I met, at the airport...I was late and didn't know if I'd make the trip (with the computer club at college to fly out to a conference). While my mind was worried and then relieved to find the other students were still there and the plane hadn't left, my husband (at the time, just some guy...a student in the club) had his eyes on me.  He was sure I was the one...told me this after we married. I get butterflies still thinking about this.


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## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

Thanks for the replies - public and private.
DH does suffer from depression. He is terrified of having Alzheimers and he does have memory/attention issues - this worries him a lot (both our fathers have suffered from this) he would absolutely not go to a doctor about it. We don't want to split up - can't imagine how I'd cope after all this time but I cant see a way to make it right. I don't want him to stay with me out of duty and I believe he should be with a woman he desires and with whom he can be honest - wish it could be me but I think it is too late. Moonangel - of course I remember all that stuff - we had some lovely romantic times of our own but now just gone.
I guess what I'm asking is should we 'put up and shut up' or consider alternatives?
Thanks peeps


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

eli said:


> Thanks for the replies - public and private.
> DH does suffer from depression. He is terrified of having Alzheimers and he does have memory/attention issues - this worries him a lot (both our fathers have suffered from this) he would absolutely not go to a doctor about it.


go hand in hand (with me at least), or vitamin B deficiency (as my FIL does).
Is he on anything for the depression ?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

eli said:


> We've been married for a little over 30 years. We have had good times and bad times. We have 3 great grown-up kids and a new grandchild. We've nursed our parents through illness and we have both lost one of our parents. Now we just don't get on any more. We are civil, not fighting or screaming at each other, but it's like we are strangers - I don't look forward to time with him and I expect it's mutual. We are both healthy but don't have sex (unless he's been looking at porn). If I can get him to sit and talk about it he just goes along with any suggestions but does not follow through. Is this what happens when you get to 50? What is a reasonable to expect from a marriage of this duration.
> Help please


Jung called this symbiosis. It’s like after 30 years together we find we don’t really know one another.

So it’s a time to try and get to know the person your partner has become over the past 30 years and for you to get to know yourself. What are your interests, your thoughts and feelings about the past 30 years and what are your ideals and dreams about the future? I found my wife and I had exceptionally different memories and beliefs about our past, so much so most of the time I couldn’t recognise the life she had lived. Plus we had very different dreams about the future. I was all about downsizing and relocating to a new country while my wife wanted to remain close to her family.

Bob


Symbiosis
A psychological state where contents of one's personal unconscious are experienced in another person. (See also projection and soul image.)

Symbiosis manifests in unconscious interpersonal bonds, easily established and difficult to break. Jung gave an example in terms of introversion and extraversion. Where one of these attitudes is dominant, the other, being unconscious, is automatically projected.

Either type has a predilection to marry its opposite, each being unconsciously complementary to the other. The one takes care of reflection and the other sees to the initiative and practical action. When the two types marry, they may effect an ideal union. So long as they are fully occupied with their adaptation to the manifold external needs of life they fit together admirably. ["The Problem of the Attitude Type," CW 7, par. 80.]
Problems in such relationships typically surface only later in life, accompanied by strong affect.

When the man has made enough money, or if a fine legacy should drop from the skies and external necessity no longer presses, then they have time to occupy themselves with one another. Hitherto they stood back to back and defended themselves against necessity.

But now they turn face to face and look for understanding ... only to discover that they have never understood one another. Each speaks a different language. Then the conflict between the two types begins. This struggle is envenomed, brutal, full of mutual depreciation, even when conducted quietly and in the greatest intimacy. For the value of the one is the negation of value for the other. [Ibid.]

The ending of a symbiotic relationship often precipitates an outbreak of neurosis, stimulated by an inner need to assimilate those aspects of oneself that were projected onto the partner.


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## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

Thanks again - here's the complicated bit! We did relocate to a small farm another country, France, his dream that I am more than willing to SHARE with him. However he can't settle and keeps going off to work abroad - saying he needs to earn the big bucks that he can get there. Meanwhile I am all alone in a foreign land - I have good friends and neighbors here but no family. Am I supporting him to fulfill his dreams and ambitions OR have I been swept under the carpet? 
I am a newbie here but looking at many other posts I think I am not alone in trying to deal with some of these issues - I have benefitted from reading other posts - so this has been a constructive exercise for me. Thanks


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