# Very confused unsure and Unhappy in my marriage



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

*confused unsure and Unhappy in my marriage*

Ok I have been married now for 6 yrs. I have a daughter 17 that still lives home and is from a prior relationship. My husband and I are different in many ways. He is 60 and I am 37.. He is a great provider. (yes I know you are all saying what the hell was she thinking getting maried to a much older guy) Well this is how it goes... I have been in long-term relationships with guys that were my age give or take a yr older, I was mental , emotionally, and Physically abused by them all, as a result I started to date older men... But this is neither here nor there. My reason for this post is as follows...My husband is a good man don't get me wrong. We meet one day when he was bartending and I happened to go in with a friend of mine to see a friend that was there. He just kept smiling at me and needless to say after a litle bit we talked and yes decided to start seeing each other.. He had 3 kids from a previous marriage and I had 2 kids.. Neither one of us was interested in any more children. When I met my husband he was workign 2 jobs plus had a small business on the side ( No I didnt marry for the money) He was sweet. He used to call me several times a day just to say hi or get my voicemail at work and leave me poems he would make up in his own... He was there for me whenever I needed him to be.. At the time we moved in together I had my 2 children and he had 1 at home still plus an ex's child that wa left behind that he was taking care of.(long story there not going into that ).. Well Things were great for the first 1 1/2 to 2 yrs.. He treated all the kids good.. After about the first 1 1/2 ,2 yrs I noticed he was treating my children completely different then his child living home.. I addressed it with him and denied it which I ecspected.. Then time went on and noticed it more and more and it got worse. My son which is now 20 and my husband didnt get along well after a few yrs together with him and my son chose to go live with his dad.. Not getting into the details of how that went but needless to say the son living with the dad didnt work out and all hell broke loss with them.. Anyways my son decided to be out on his own and that is that... Now my husbands son is now currently 24,When he lived home it was all about him and none of the other kids for my husband . To make a long story short here.. His son had done several things to my that I address with the husabnd and my husabnd believed I was wrong and lying or just that I wanted his son out of the house, Not the truth much happened for this to come to that point.. OK so now My husband buys me everything out of his own choice but lately in the past 2 years he has been distant.. We have not ben intimite in over 2 yrs.. All there is is I Love you and a quick kiss when leaving for work from him.. He doesn't want to go anywhere together do anything together and I am always going to EVERYTHING alone like a single person..He is pretty much made my daughter not like him the way he is toward here and things that have been said and done. He tells her what and when she can eat, now mind you she is 17 and growing...He tells me all the time that I am here mother and to deal with her he isn't bothering but yet he still continues to tell me what she can and can not do. My daughter will alwys come first and he knows that cause I had told him that when we first met...I am not happy at all.. Outside of the purchases that he makes for me there is no emotional attachment ... It seems like he buys me things to keep me around. We have had the discussion seversl times and he changes for a month and then back to the normal again.....I am so confused cause theres no Intimate emotions. No hugs , cuddles.. Hell we sleep in the same bed and he sleeps on the end of his side and doesn't even touch me except by accident when he moves around... 

I also wanted to state that outside of financially there is nothing more it seems beween us. Also he doesnt do anything around the house.Cook.clean.anything to help out.. My daughter and I are really close and right now she is seeing a gentlemen that is 23 and stable and they are happy.. I have yet to tell my husband about it cause he doesn't agree with it even being that there is 23 yrs difference between us. I have met this guy and he is very respectful and fa,ily oriented and treats my daughter great but like I said unable to tell myhusband she is with this guy for fear that he will flip out and things will not go well. It has gotten to the point that all me and my husband do is argue and when I try to explain things to him it is like he doesn't want to see my views but his own and I am to go with his ways only.. He gets along with all my famiy and I do his as well but he is very controling and wants things his way ... I am not sure what to do and everyone says well you have to understand that you did marry someone alot older than you and you should have exspected this as well..Yes he is 60 but he doesn't act like most 60 yr old guys. He works 2 jobs and still does small odd things on the side as well.. We have a new home that we have purchased a few months ago along with a house that he had long before we met that is paid of but in bad shape and causes alot of arguments for us as well... He will go shopping and buy what he wants and doens't take into consideration what me and my daughter may want to eat... He *****es all the time about money . He will say to my daughter that no I ca't buy you that cause I don't have the money but in the same breathe ask me if I want something...For example/ My daughter may ask for a bag of chips and he will say " i don't have it in the budget sorry" then he will look at me and ask me if I want something like chips or anything...Now if you didnt have it in your budget for her why would you have it in the budget for me.. It is just thing like that that happen ALOT... I am unhappy and I see other married couples that do things together or are emotional with each other all the time and feel that there is none of that in my marriage.. What to do is the question for me?

He is very vocal about everything and everyone. He never has anything positive to say . I even go to the extreme to have people over when he is working to avoid him being so negative and making people feel uncomfrtable in our home.. I have told him he is like a defective scanner that in every situation scans the scene to see where there is a defect just so he has something to argue and complain about. 

We have talks aall the time and I tell him what I see how I feel and so on and he states that he loves me and would do whatever it takes to make it work and change the way he is. That lasts for about a few months and then things go back to the way they were prior. Then we do it all over again and it becomes a routine for us... I have gotten to the point that I find things to do to not be around when he calls from work and all....Now this is a guy that used to call me 5-10 times a day just to let me know he was thinking about me and he loves me to now only calling on his lunch to let me know what he needs taken care of or to see if anyone called,,,,Ok so i have vented enough and hope someone can help me out in my situation.. Just looking for some advice ..
What or where should I go at this point .. Please any advice is welcome ... NO sarcastism please


----------



## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

Sounds like you're basically single but with a complete a-hole on your hands, contributing only as much loving behavior as it takes to pull you back into the cycle. Otherwise, sounds like he's only contributing negativity. And it sounds like he's treating your kids with contempt. I'm going to try to quote the late, great Dixie Carter and say "it takes a mighty good man to be less trouble than no man at all." It does not sound as though you feel there is nearly enough good to outweigh the bad you're getting with him.

Pros and cons of leaving him. Pros: you go back to knowing what's best for your own children, no more say in that from him. Your kids would probably respect you for leaving him. May even feel they can be closer to you without being triangulated by an emotionally abusive, controlling jerk. You already have a social life that you've learned to participate in unaccompanied; when you're ready to date again, you can choose whether to go alone or not. Maybe that's a good test in terms of what it sounds like you want - a companion. Also, when you go to bed without being touched, it will be at times when you're actually alone instead of getting actively ignored and rejected by someone you still have to share a life with (not to mention the covers!)

Cons: ...you tell me. I got nothing. 

One note of caution: if you leave him, he will probably try every trick in the book to keep you on the merry-go-round with him. He may feel far less likely to find someone at his age. You, though, have plenty of time to appreciate being on your own again and still meet someone who is willing to care for someone other than himself. 

Sounds like you're already halfway out the door. Don't look back.

Wish you the best.


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks XAriellemfor the advice and outlook... My only problem with this whole thing is that right now I am unemployed and have no income, I want to stay in the new house and try to do it on my own but with this economy it is so hard. I feel like I should just say the hell with it and stay at my mom's but I have my 17 uear old daughter and my parents live in an apartment and don't really have the room....

I am very frustrated cause I want to tell him that I am not happy but I don't know what will happen at that point. I know that he told me if we every do seperate that he will give me the house and everything in it but is that what I can do on my own with no employment.. I have looked up the information to go to college but I also need a good paying job to afford all the bills here....Right now he is the main provider ...Ughhh so many obstacles right now .....

He does think of himself and only himself and everyone tells me that I should just tell him about my daughter and her new BF and them tell him how I am feeling and go from there but I am scared to do it.. I would never go behind his back and cheay on him for the affection.... But I really want affection at this point but don't want to wander to get it ....IDK i'm so lost


----------



## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

It is never a healthy relationship when you can't talk to your spouse about what you are feeling. I am in that boat right now. Seems like everything I say is complaining or *****ing. My husband and I separated 2 years ago and have been back together going on 2 now. It all seemed great at first. He however treats his son much different than my 2 kids. He gets away with murder pretty much, while he keeps a tight leash on my 2. My mom passed away in Feb due to Cancer and ever since then, I have just been in a haze. I keep thinking life is to short for all of this crap! He is always in a bad mood (not abusive or anything) and all we EVER talk about are the kids. I think that you might have to really shock him, get a job and start working towards being strong yourself. My therapist told me that you cannot fix anyone else you can only fix you! Make yourself happy and he will see the changes and it just might make him see what he is missing!


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

I actually kinda do have a job. I know I stated that I am unemployed which I am but I work for the school system as a bus monitor but that doesn't start back up until Sept. But then again that is not much of pay lol...I have been looking into going to college to get some further education and then be able to make more money.... Don't get me wrong we do talk but I know that once he finds out about the relationship my daughter is in he is not going to want to deal with it... He told me previous that if my daughter came home pregnant that he would leave cause he is not dealing with it... He also stated that if he felt that he was coming in between me and my daughter in anyway he would leave as well cause he knows that my daughter will always come first. This he knew the day I met him cause that was the first thing I put out there.....
I went to a theraphist ,myself when I went through alot of things previous..My daughter had also been seeing a theraphist as well... She was a cutter and at that same time his son was doing all these things to me that made it even harder for me to deal with and that resulted in me seeing a theraphist...When I told my husband the things his son was doing his words to me" ahh you both need to grow up and stop and just get along"...Mind you his son put tiny stones in my coffee creamer.. Spit on the shower walls and left them there. When he was doing dishes on his night he would leave them still dirty and put them in the clean dishes and I wouod find them and have to redo them all. He would walk through the house with mud on his feet and when asked to sweep it up he would sweep it under one of my area rugs... He would also lock his bedroom door , I couldn't get in and he would blast the radio to the song" your an *******"...Mind you when he did this he left for work so I was not able to shut it off.... But when I confronted him he laughed.. There was never any respect from him and I was always told by my husband that we both needed to stop and grow up....We would have to cook what his son liked regardless of other's that lived in the house. His son could come and go with no curfew but my kids had a curfew, Mind you he stated that his son had a job and as long as he did he wasn't giving him a curfew but when my daughter started working she still had a curfew...My daughter is not allowed to have friends over unless I don't tell my husband and do it on a night he works till 2 am cause he doesn't like people and thinks everyone is bad and going to steal and etc.
Mind you my 2 kids weren't allowed to play music loud at all cause they got yelled at.. It is just a one sided thing with my husband and I have had enough of that...He complains about alot ...he is not abusive in any way what so ever cause he wold be gone trust me...Been there done that in past relationships and never doing that part again...But he is always negative...There is just so much more things that I could say but Ill stop at this for now....Thanks for advice in anyway....


----------



## xArielle (Aug 2, 2011)

Seems like you are still being abused though. Also, what kind of non-confrontational ******bag lets his son treat his wife that way?


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

I agree with you and I was the stupid one to stay after all that too.. I guess I am scared, confused, hurt, pissed, along with many other things to add.....Just lost as well......
Scared..... Cause I am not able to take care of myself with the little I get from the job at the school being a bus Monitor...
Confused.....Oh just everything on this one...
Hurt... That he would one allow his son to do what he did and that he vowed to love honor and cherish and it doens't seem like that is at all true anymore...
Lost....Cause I don't know how to approach the whole thing and what to do when I do cross that bridge. How to resolve the whole thing in an adulty manor with no bull****....
Just lost cause I have always been able to take care of myself but do to the many issues that I have had to deal with I have fallen back drastically and need to regain alot of my independence back to where I can take care of myself again....


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

Well last night was the last straw and i told my husband that I was no longer happy with him. I don't know what is going to happen now as after the huge arguement we had I walked out of the room and slept on my couch and didn't talk to him after that. He went to sleep and I was not up when he went to work this morning.. He asked me if I wanted him to leave and I told him he had to make that decision but I wasn't happy anymore so take that for what it was worth.. At the end of the conversation last night he asked me if there was someone else and that set me off and that was when I walked out of the room and was done talking... We will see what happens when he comes home from work. I know that he will come home and try to act like everything is ok but IT IS NOT OK....Well I will keep updates here and let you know what has happened. But I do want to thank everyone for there advice and help ....


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

I also wanted to add that .. 1. he now knows about the daughter's BF ....all of it...2.My daughter started a new job yesterday ....I on the other hand am lookng into going to school to get a better education for a bettr job....


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

OK so here is what has been happening. Which is not much I should add. I was trying to see if things could work with us but it is just going down hill more and more. My daughter is very happy with her Boyfriend and he treats her great. Well my husband is still pissy about the whole relationship as I imagined he would be. 

His birthday was just this week and me and my daughter went out of our way to make him a cake and got him gifts. I also made a nice dinner. Well my daughter went to a car show race thing that started at 10 pm, We had dinner and she helped me all day cleaning as well as after dinner. She went to take her shower and get ready and before she left she wanted to do the cake. Well it turned all bad from that point cause he complained that she was rushing to do the cake so she can run out the door. He was an ass when he opened his gifts. He complained that she was rushing and he wanted a good night but it got ruined by this. His pride and joy of a son did not even call or nothing to wish him a happy birthday.
Yesterday we went to my mom's for cake to celebrate my sister in law, husband and father;s birthday cause they are the 21st, 23rd, and the 25th of this month so we did them all at once together. My daughter and her boyfriend came and no sooner than being there for 20 minutes my husband started to drill her boyfriend about just about everything like always. Stupid stuff mind you. At the end of the night when my daughter was leaving he called her into the kitchen and just keep going on and on about stuff that I am not sure what was said. I walked my daughter out to the car and she started crying cause of whatever he said to her. I feel like I am letting her down by the way he is to her and I don't think I can take much more of it all. We still sleep in the same bed but under seperate blankets, and there still is not intimacy at all with us..... I am so confused and not sure what to do anymore....Anyone have any advice that may help some with this whole situation...


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

I also wanted to add that when I did walk my daughter out to the car when she was crying she wouldn't even talk to me about what was said and why she was crying. It seems she is distancing herself from me and I don't like that this is happening. I also wanted to add that I am currently attending college and have made the steps to file for bankruptcy to get myself back in order, But I still am not financially stable enough to do it on my own but I have to do something cause I am not sure that I can live like this anymore. I am not happy and am not in love with him anymore. Yes I do love him but just not in love with him anymore. I could kinda care less if or when he is home either.


----------



## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Talk to your daughter. Support her, tell her what you are doing. Tell her you are on her side, and that you support her, and that you are taking action to fix the situation.


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

I have reassured her and she is well aware of what my plan of action is, I just hate seeing her get hurt through out this whole process. I have found that it is becoming difficult through out this whole thing to find the way to tell him just what I am thinking as well as what is going through my head. I have to find a way to express everything that I feel. My daughter and I talk all the time, We have a great relationship and confide in each other. She has expressed her thoughts and concerns to me about the whole situation. Now I have to be strong enough to to tell him just how I feel. There is just so much at stake that it makes it hard for me.


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

Ok here is an update. My daughter and her BF broke up for like 2 days, Long story but anyways, My husband thinks that he used her for sex only. What happened is that he had a lot going on and he decided that he didn't want to continue having sex and that he wanted to court her till they got married but if she couldn't change all that he would understand cause she is young and has a lot of life to live and he didn't want her to give up everything. He understood that she was still young and had a lot to experience and didn't feel he should force her to make that decision so out of respect for her he said that maybe they shouldn't stay together cause it was not right of him to ask her to give up so much at her age. I thought that he was a gentlemen for doing this , It showed to me that he has a lot of respect for her. Ok so with that said, My husband draws his own conclusion and says that her BF used her for sex. Well they got back together and things are just as great as before and she and him are very happy.They are saving money to get their own place and she wants to be with him and get married have kids. Not right now but in a few years and they are both falling deeper in love with each other. Well again my husband had his opinion but the problem with his opinion is that he stated that he doesn't want him in the house when he is home. Well I find that totally wrong for the simple fact that my husband should be an adult and just be civil when he is here and not start any crap. Well that is something that my husband is unable to do EVER. But with all that his son put me through I have been nothing but respectful (even though I shouldn't after what he did to me)when he comes to the house to see his father. I don't say mean or nasty things to him and I don't even get rude at all to him either, But my husband can't give me that same respect back. It is like he can say or do what he wants but I am not allowed to.
Well after talking to a friend of mine, The advice was that when his son comes here that I should be rude and nasty to him and when my husband asks why I should just say " well you couldn't respect my wishes to be civil when her BF comes then why should I be civil when your son is here after all he did to me. If you can't give the same respect then why should I."
He just doesn't understand that I can be mean as all hell to his son but out of the respect for him I don't . So I don't understand why he can't for me. Maybe cause he doesn't have respect for me, that is what I am figuring.
I have gotten to the point that I don't even want to be bothered with my husband and I am disgusted by him and his ways lately. My daughter is working and only gets so many hours being she is in school. My husband tells everyone that that is his daughter in his eyes and that he would do anything for his family. Well she needs her car to get to work but he won't help her out with her Insurance. He told her that he is keeping track of everything he pays for her and she is to pay him back when she gets her checks. Mind you he offered to give her gas money, she didn't ask for it. He doesn't really buy her anything but he does help with her insurance . he real father doesn't want anything really to do with her at all so he took on the responsibility of her. Her real father pays her insurance every 3 months. My husband is just being mean and has taken a notebook and keeps track of everything that he gives her whether she asks or not for it and says she has to pay him back for it all. But what about what he has given his son. He doesn't ask for him to pay that all back. It is just annoying in so many ways. I don't know how much longer I can stay and take this.


----------



## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You cannot control what he does or doesn't do. You can only control what you do or don't do.

You set your boundaries, communicate them. He respects them or he doesn't.

You decide what you have to do. Get ready and prepared. And leave. Simple.


----------



## undefined (Aug 7, 2011)

I do understand that 2 wrong's don't make a right, but I think the old saying is true about respect. It takes respect to give respect. Respect is earned, and if you don't earn the respect of other's than.

I did talk to him around 2 today and he said that he was going to try to look at things my way with my daughter's BF. At that point I felt the need to tell him that I have the respect for him to be kind to his son, I felt he should give the same respect and be kind to the daughter's BF. He agreed to which surprised me but I to do express it in an accertive way as well to make it well heard and know.

Leaving is not that simple due finanacially. Right now I am attending college and not working so it would be hard for me to just up and leave. I know "get a job get out there and work and then you have no reason" but this is hard to do cause I have been looking and there is nothing out there in this economy.


----------

