# Feeling confused and lost



## anonymom (Oct 13, 2010)

I used to think me and my husband had a good marriage, but whenever we argue, it becomes more and more apparent that we don't really have that great of a marriage. I think I may be married to a very controlling man. 

Whenever I feel fed up or overwhelmed in life, he chalks it up to me being overemotional and lazy and he questions why I need a break when I am a SAHM. He doesn't think 1 day breaks for me or him from our kids is "appropriate" and that if I feel the need to "go out" we should just divorce so I can do whatever I want. 

He basically does NOTHING wrong. It's always me, and I feel I just can't live up to the kind of wife he wants me to be. I feel since he makes all the money, HE feels he can call all the shots, even about what I am feeling. I can't even have a break when I am sick with a cold or something(he usually says it's all in my head and I just want to be lazy.). I hate painting such a bad picture of him, but these things lately have me re-thinking a lot of things. I feel so tired and confused. I just don't know what to do.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Do you have any of that stuff now? No??? Go find it. Quick. Hire a sitter, even if it costs money. Figure out a girls night out. Have a friend take the kids for an afternoon. Check the guilt at the door and do something for YOURSELF.

Because if you don’t, you will truly lose yourself and your mind. You will forget who you are. You will actually forget what you truly LIKE to do. All of the sudden, ALL that you know about yourself is being… well… a parent. Take away the kids, and suddenly there is nothing left. Your identity is simply… a mom. Or a dad.

I copied that off of one of thousands of parenting websites, so no you are not crazy, you are not emotional you are NORMAL. 

I think it can happen where the parent who works can forget that the SAHP doesn't get that lunch break to sit in peace, smoke break, etc, etc, whatever it is they might get. They don't get the adult conversation without the kids trying to talk to you also. 

As long as you aren't requesting to go out and do anything damaging to your marriage, most counselors will recommend you do get some "me time". I would honestly sit down and have him do some research with you on needing some personal time making happier and ultimately better parents!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You try to tell him you're overwhelmed, he sees it as "overemotional" and "lazy". There's a problem here. It would be one thing if you haven't tried talking to him about your feelings, but it sounds like you have. He's just not hearing. 
I'm going to recommend it again...please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It was an eye-opener for me. I had that kind of man too. Married 20 years to him. I used to have to ALWAYS take all 3 kids grocery shopping, and had to bring him the receipt to go over with a fine tooth comb. I was spending his vast fortune at the grocery store, don'tcha know. (yes, that's me being sarcastic) I NEVER had money of my own. I wasn't "allowed" to buy clothes for myself, or underwear even. Mine were in tatters and I practically had to beg for more. Of course HE didn't live like that...it was just me. The kids had everything they needed/wanted...it was just me. I wasn't allowed out of the house without the kids. I know now that he was afraid I would find someone else. What he didn't realize is that he couldn't control me into staying, but he could have LOVED me into staying. Too bad. I can relate to what you're going through totally. And I'm sorry that you're living this.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

does he not even want to go out on date nights with you? I agree with the others that you need some time for yourself as well. Everyone does and it doesn't make you lazy or a bad parent. My dh went through a stage like this and we could never get a sitter and it caused a lot of problems and resentment for us later on. We are trying to work through it now but it's hard. It only keeps building up if you can't talk about it or express your feelings without him passing it off as you just be "overemotional". Only difference for me is I work full time. Have you thought about a part time job or volunteer work one or two nights a week? do you think he feels he has control because he does make the money? My dh is a sahd now and I know how hard of a job he has and I feel like the money is ours and decisions are still ours and not just mine. Your hubby should feel this way too.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

anonymom said:


> I used to think me and my husband had a good marriage, but whenever we argue, it becomes more and more apparent that we don't really have that great of a marriage. I think I may be married to a very controlling man.
> 
> Whenever I feel fed up or overwhelmed in life, he chalks it up to me being overemotional and lazy and he questions why I need a break when I am a SAHM. He doesn't think 1 day breaks for me or him from our kids is "appropriate" and that if I feel the need to "go out" we should just divorce so I can do whatever I want.
> 
> He basically does NOTHING wrong. It's always me, and I feel I just can't live up to the kind of wife he wants me to be. I feel since he makes all the money, HE feels he can call all the shots, even about what I am feeling. I can't even have a break when I am sick with a cold or something(he usually says it's all in my head and I just want to be lazy.). I hate painting such a bad picture of him, but these things lately have me re-thinking a lot of things. I feel so tired and confused. I just don't know what to do.


I dated someone just like this when I was 20 and naive with no self esteem. It lasted for two years longer than it ever should have. 

Your husband seems like a bossy and insensitive dictator. Money is power. This is why it's good for a woman to make her own cash, even if it's precious little. Take back your self respect by earning your own income.

You are feeling tired and confused because you know that you deserve much better. In the end, you will have to decide if you want to be married to someone who seeks to manipulate you with power games. Strength to you, lovey.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
enough money within her control to move out 
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants 
to or needs to... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her 
dreams wants to see her in an hour... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... 
a youth she's content to leave behind.... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to 
retelling it in her old age.... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... 
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black 
lace bra... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who 
lets her cry... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone 
else in her family... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a 
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored... 
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... 
a feeling of control over her destiny... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
how to fall in love without losing herself.. 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
HOW TO QUIT A JOB, 
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, 
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
that she can't change the length of her calves, 
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.. 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
whom she can trust, 
whom she can't, 
and why she shouldn't 
take it personally... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
where to go... 
be it to her best friend's kitchen table... 
or a charming inn in the woods... 
when her soul needs soothing... 
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... 
what she can and can't accomplish in a day... 
a month...and a year..." 
— Pamela Redmond Satran 

I just wanted to share this. I love it so much. And I believe it to be absolutely true.


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## anonymom (Oct 13, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice. Thank you major misfit for that beautiful poem. 
We do go out as a family and I appreciate it, but it's usually things that interests him.
If we do something that I want to, he'll sulk and complain pretty much through it all.
So it like, defeats the whole purpose. Just last weekend I told him that I'd like an entire
day to go out, his response "then get an effing job so that you can go out whenever you want!"
I even told him that I just want to end this and leave, of course that's when he started
talking about him changing and maybe we should go to MC. It was weird because he'd kind of
beg me to stay and if I was refusing he'd lash out with very mean insults

So I guess I have no rights to time alone, feelings, or being sick unless I bring in money.
When he says this, it makes me feel that I have no human rights unless I bring in money.
The times I do get to go out (I'm in some meetup groups), I'll get back and he'll be very
cold and distant to me. As if I just came back from doing bad things. I just hate feeling
like he's my dad instead of my husband. I told him that I do not need his permission
to go out, and of course, if I have a job or move out then yeah I don't.

I don't know. I can't tell him anything without it being turned around on me. My feelings
are always over exaggerated and they are wrong if it's anything against him. I don't know
if I want to be with him anymore. I feel like the love is going out of me. Maybe MC is what
we need, but I won't be surprised if he feels the counselor is wrong, 'cause you know
my husband is perfect and does nothing wrong...


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Most men dont appreciat their wives,I do but still being a SAHM causes issues no matter what make time if hes ingnorant to you go out & let him deal with kids but when a man treats you good appreciates you give it back in return.


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## anonymom (Oct 13, 2010)

I see what you are saying gregj123. I am in no means flawless. The thing is though, I am always admitting to my flaws. He seldom does. I always own up to my mistakes and take blame. I guess I just feel I am always the one to take the blame.


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

BoardNMom said:


> does he not even want to go out on date nights with you? I agree with the others that you need some time for yourself as well. Everyone does and it doesn't make you lazy or a bad parent. My dh went through a stage like this and we could never get a sitter and it caused a lot of problems and resentment for us later on. We are trying to work through it now but it's hard. It only keeps building up if you can't talk about it or express your feelings without him passing it off as you just be "overemotional". Only difference for me is I work full time. Have you thought about a part time job or volunteer work one or two nights a week? do you think he feels he has control because he does make the money? My dh is a sahd now and I know how hard of a job he has and I feel like the money is ours and decisions are still ours and not just mine. Your hubby should feel this way too.


:iagree:

It is important to have some adult time! If it is with friends or even your hubby you need some time to talk to adults. Consider setting up a once a month mani/pedi time for yourself. Just ask a friend or family member to watch the kids for an hr or so. You need some time for YOU. The thing people don't realize is your kids are there only until they start there own families then all thats left is Your Husband and You...then what. If you've lost yourselfs who knows. That is why it is important to stay in touch with yourself and your partner.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

This sounds EXACTLY like my story. I just left him a couple weeks ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Sure it's hard and emotional but people like this aren't going to change. I don't think we ever made a trip somewhere unless he wanted to go and any errands for me were met with sulking, *****ing and moaning till I got fed up and left. Don't put up with it anymore...


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## anonymom (Oct 13, 2010)

Lately I have been standing up for myself. We got into a very big argument when I brought up alone time again, this time I told him that I was going to get it one way (leaving him) or another. He tried to tell me it was over and I agreed with him this time. He was shocked! I told him that I am done putting his feelings and needs in front of mine. That my feelings count, even if it makes him feel uncomfortable. 

He left to work and didn't text me all day that day. When he came home, he told me that he wants me to take a day to myself. That I don't need to tell him my plans, to just go out and be myself for how ever long that I need. I was very glad to see that me taking a stance worked. I am also reading Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel, and I have to say it is helping me. Thank you all for your advice, I hope I can keep this up for myself. I've never felt so free!


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