# pushed into a three way?



## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for five years and have two small children. over these years he has convinced me to do a lot of sexual activities I thought were not a normal part of a marriage and I am morally against. I understand that things like watching porn together are relatively normal and although I am ok with it now I have not changed my opinion on it. One thing I was adament on is that I would never have a three way. When I'm aroused it's hard to not get into sexual things that I otherwise have absolutely no interest in. meaning i've tried for long enough to satisfy him that i have gotten myself to get hot about things he likes, not me, so that he enjoys it more, and, after some fights and him being depressed over it and saying he'll be depressed for the rest of his life and he should have done it before getting married, he took advantage of that and convinced me to do a three way. I tried to lay down some rules like this will be the only time cause he knows I am against it, but he kept talking as if he plans on convincing me to do it a couple times a year. the more I think about it, the more I want to say no, but i'm afraid of the consequences. we had a large fight over this and we rarely fight. and it would be cruel to have promised something that he says is so important to him and then just change my mind and i really don't want him to be depressed and resentful for any amount of time. how can I get him to remember the love he has for me and how he used to not want to push me into it because of the hurt it would cause me? it seems like he just can't get enough when it comes to sex. by the way five years ago the first time he told me he had watched porn he had felt extremely guilty about it.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

He's manipulating you with guilt and coercion to achieve his selfish goals.

I get it, I really do. I've tried to convince my girlfriend as well as several before her to have a 3 way, nothing I'd like more than to be with two women at the same time, heck most guys want that.

Difference is I don't resort to underhanded tactics and saying such "heart breaking" things as "I will be depressed for the rest of my life" and "I should have done it before I met you".

Next time hubby brings it up as well as your "promise made under duress" simply tell him to "F--k Off"


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

happilymarried? said:


> My husband and I have been married for five years and have two small children. over these years he has convinced me to do a lot of sexual activities I thought were not a normal part of a marriage and I am morally against. I understand that things like watching porn together are relatively normal and although I am ok with it now I have not changed my opinion on it. One thing I was adament on is that I would never have a three way. When I'm aroused it's hard to not get into sexual things that I otherwise have absolutely no interest in and, after some fights and him being depressed over it and saying he'll be depressed for the rest of his life and he should have done it before getting married, he took advantage of that and convinced me to do a three way. I tried to lay down some rules like this will be the only time cause he knows I am against it, but he kept talking as if he plans on convincing me to do it a couple times a year. the more I think about it, the more I want to say no, but i'm afraid of the consequences. we had a large fight over this and we rarely fight. and it would be cruel to have promised something that he says is so important to him and then just change my mind and i really don't want him to be depressed and resentful for any amount of time. how can I get him to remember the love he has for me and how he used to not want to push me into it because of the hurt it would cause me? it seems like he just can't get enough when it comes to sex. by the way five years ago the first time he told me he had watched porn he had felt extremely guilty about it.


A few things here:
1) You say when you're aroused, it's hard not to get into sexual things you otherwise have no interest in. Are you saying that when you're turned on you do things that you feel are immoral? Either something turns you on or it doesn't. That sounds like a guilt/shame issue.

2) It's childish of your H to claim that if he doesn't get a threesome he'll be depressed for the rest of his life. Childish and ridiculous. If it were a normal sexual activity like kissing while you have sex, I could buy it, but I think threesomes are well outside the norm for sexual activity.

3) You seem to be dancing around the idea that maybe your H has a problem with porn. If so, he needs to ease off or stop the porn usage. I don't have a moral problem with porn, but it can mess with your perceptions if you watch too much of it.

4) You are correct that if you give in this once, your H will expect you to do it again.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You are absolutely NOT required to do something you are not comfortable with.

His request for a threesome is NOT something most married women would agree to. Only a very small percentage would.

You should feel free to tell him NO, under no circumstances, ever. 

If you are afraid this would create problems in your marriage, please understand that inviting a third person into your bed will also create problems, big ones, for you. Many people break up after a threesome unless they are all completely on-board with the idea and have established ground rules - any many times, they break-up even then, too.

NEVER invite a third person into your marriage unless you are both 110% person into it.

No matter that you gave in to his pestering in a weak moment and said you would; you have full autonomy over your body and mind and can certainly change your mind at any time. Otherwise, it's coercion and rape.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So your hubby wants you to give him permission to cheat in font of you ? Because that's exactly what he is demanding here, and you know very well from experience that he will demand it over and over.

Three ways are for relationships you don't care about ending, they are not for successful marriages.

Btw, if you were to agree to a three way, what would be the difference with him just meeting up alone with another person to have sex, so long as he got you to ok or first?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who has had threesome's and foursomes with his SO... Don't do it. You wouldn't be doing it for the "right" reasons. As in, you're not doing it because you WANT to, you're doing it because he's coercing you into it. The odds that it breaks up your marriage is very high. If you need to, why don't you ask him if you let his mom decide for you...

C


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Stand up for yourself. Stop giving in to him. Sadly it may be too late in your current relationship to salvage your self esteem - you may have to leave this guy because he has experienced you giving in and may not be able to stop.

One of the signs of a co dependant of a sex addict is that they allow the sex addict to talk them into debasing sexual acts.


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## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word? I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

No self-respecting husband would ever demand anything as immorally selfish as that from his wife. IMO, he hasn't matured very much, if any, and just wants to subject you to that same immaturity.

I'd also be fearful that he's probably engaged in previous menage-a-trois' that didn't exactly include you. Have yourself checked for STD's.

And if he ever suggests that again, you have every right in the world to tell him to take a hike. You deserve far better out of life!


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## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

he has not had an affair. i suspect this comes from the increase in porn. i see an elevating effect and would like to reverse it. as i said when he first told me he had watched porn he was extremely guilty, and it was honest.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you just say no and stop it now, it's his choice to end the marriage over it. If you go through with it, and it ends up destroying the marriage, it will be your fault.

Tell him that you were giving in to his pressure before, but you just can't do it. If he doesn't like that, then that's his issue to deal with.

C


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So your hubby wants you to give him permission to cheat in font of you ?


Cheating? No, he is not cheating. There is no dishonesty here. They are just incompatible sexually because of this issue.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word? I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.


IF there is a huge backlash, that tells you a LOT about the kind of man you married.

You have a choice. Tell him no and have him huff and puff for a while like a spoiled brat. Or go through with it and hate him and yourself forever. Your call.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you make it a habit to play with him and torture him?? If not, tell him to EFF OFF.

Like I said, though, it may be too late in this relationship. You may have to divorce him. You've let him treat you this way too long.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So who is the other guy your husband wants to sleep with?


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## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

well see that's the thing, he would like to eventually see me have sex with another man. I'm thinking something is not right here


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## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

but he is definitely not into men, i think he wants to live porn


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If you think that he's so innocent in requesting this of you, then I can't help but feel that it's way beyond time for you two to fastly get into marriage counseling ~ that's the only way that he's ever going to get better!


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## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

he is against counseling, does not want to talk to one, and doesn't want to pay $100 a session for me to go either. neither do I. i would like to do counseling if i could find a cheap one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> well see that's the thing, he would like to eventually see me have sex with another man. I'm thinking something is not right here


So, first a threesome with a woman. Do that for a while, and then the threesome with a man. Do that for a while, and then what? Swinging? Cuckolding? Forced lactation (like that poor woman last week whose husband was wanting her to take pills and use a pump her breasts when she'd never been pregnant)?

How many cliffs are you willing to jump off of because he wants you to?

You need to draw your lines and your boundaries with what you will and won't do, and then stick to them. You are NOT required to go along with every fantasy that pops into his head, regardless of whether they do it in porn or not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

happilymarried? said:


> he is against counseling, does not want to talk to one, and doesn't want to pay $100 a session for me to go either. neither do I. i would like to do counseling if i could find a cheap one.


So your marriage is worth nothing to him, and only a cheap counselor to you? Seriously??

'Cheap' isn't worth it. Him refusing to go shows you how much he values you and your marriage.

Just cut your losses. There's no hope at this point. Unless you LIKE living as his sex toy and at his beck and call.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You're just not supposed to feel that way in a marriage. 
You're not supposed to feel that way period.
Don't expect your H to look out for you.
You look out for yourself.
Marriage doesn't excuse you from this responsibility.


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## happilymarried? (Feb 19, 2013)

my marriage is worth it, but if he says no...money is equal in our relationship. I just sacrifice in different ways to save the marriage since we can't afford the counseling. I recognize that that is a compounding problem and part of what has led to this post


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> my marriage is worth it, but if he says no...money is equal in our relationship. I just sacrifice in different ways to save the marriage since we can't afford the counseling. I recognize that that is a compounding problem and part of what has led to this post


Maybe your marriage isn't worth saving since he unilaterally changed his mind about his vows to "forsake all others" and to "honor, cherish and respect" you.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

My husband and I have had this conversation about 3soms many times. I've teetered on the idea, but always end up saying no. Sex is too emotional for me. It would break my heart to see my H having sex with another person. I would feel inadequate and undesirable and probably end up comparing myself to every women he talks to. I can't even put words to the devastation it would cause me. But, my H has never used threats or manipulation for any sex act. He has always RESPECTED me in that regard...and so should your husband.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word? I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.


He won't see your point of view regardless of how you present it.

So what you promised under duress.

You tell him you mistakenly gave the ok, and you're NOT ok with it and the matter is closed. What's he going to do? Yell and scream at you? 

Walk away. Let him yell in an empty room. Or in an empty house.

You don't need to sit there and take it and you don't need to engage or escalate the conflict.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So why in God's name would you want to save this marriage?

This man has shown Little respect for you as a person and has forced you to do things that are against your moral code

He has cheapened you and left you to feel dirty and used, hasn't he? He's a manipulative abuser and is suffering from some serious issues that he needs help with

Why do you want to keep exposing yourself and your children to this man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> my marriage is worth it, but if he says no...money is equal in our relationship. I just sacrifice in different ways to save the marriage since we can't afford the counseling. I recognize that that is a compounding problem and part of what has led to this post



YOUR marriage is worth saving.... HIS is not. If it was, he wouldn't be pushing you to do things he KNOWS you don't want to do. You are compromising YOUR boundaries, YOUR morals to make HIM happy. If he truly loved you, he would NOT be pushing you like this. Please, don't let him continue doing this to you. Don't let him completely break you. That's not love. That's abuse.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> *my marriage is worth it*, but if he says no...*money is equal in our relationship*. *I just sacrifice in different ways to save the marriage **since we can't afford the counseling*. I recognize that that is a compounding problem and part of what has led to this post


So you say you can't afford the counseling! Given the degree of depravity of your situation per the actions and suggestions of your husband, let's just say that you *absolutely can't afford to not get counseling! *

If not, then you need out of that most toxic situation. It will never yield dividends for you or your children. 

If you cannot afford the counseling, please consult with a pastor at a local church~ they will be happy to offer counseling through their church for no cost to you! 

*Take them up on it and quit making excuses!*


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

happilymarried? said:


> my marriage is worth it, but if he says no...money is equal in our relationship. I just sacrifice in different ways to save the marriage since we can't afford the counseling. I recognize that that is a compounding problem and part of what has led to this post


That sounds convoluted.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't do it. You will be sorry if you do.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Your H has watched so much porn that he's confusing it with reality. Porn can be awesome, but in limited quantities and preferably with your spouse. He's gone far beyond that. Does he jerk it to porn a lot? 

The problem is that as he gets into different genres of porn, that's what he's gonna want to do. Better hope he doesn't get into bestiality.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He's probably avoiding counseling because he knows that they are going to tell him he's being a jack ass. He's emotionally manipulating you. 
I would just go by myself if I were you. Talk tonthe counselor about how best to approach the subject. 
You have really weak boundaries and you need to learn how to defend yourself. A counselor can help you do that. Right now he thinks he has you in the palm of his hand. 
He knows a counselor will help make you stronger. 
I wouldn't talk to him about the threesome until you talk to a counselor first. 
He is acting like a child. No one is entitled to a threesome. He is a big baby.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

What are you so afraid of? So what if he gets mad. What is the worst that can happen?

I do absolutely think you need counseling to learn to set boundaries for yourself.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

OP, please don't be afraid to stand up and say a big, loud "NO ". He cannot coerce you into a 3some. He suggested it, ok, if you're not open to the idea he should respect that. Marriage is for 2 PEOPLE. Not 3. The matrimonial bed is for 2 PEOPLE. Not 3. If he has any arguments, show him this thread to see how many people think he is wrong. Forcing you to accept this by any emotional mean is no different than a stranger putting a gun at your head and rape you in a dark corner. 
There are VERY FEW things that I would say "no" to my husband at. This is one of them. Although I have a little curiousity about how a 3some would feel like, I would never consider doing it with someone I love. I am too jealous to cope with it. He accepted it, and closed the subject. He can watch all the 3way porn he likes, I don't care. But while he's with me, I get exclusivity - NO exceptions. 
Sex is supposed to be fun for pleasureable for both not just for one. If he refuses conseling, I suggest you to show him this site. Reading so many other opinions may help him understand a couple of things.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell him its a deal breaker for you and if he continues to pester you about it the marriage will be damaged forever!

if he crys and says he will be depressed then tell him he will be single and depressed because you will leave.

keep your boundries!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Some people are not aware that a Sexual Act is also Emotional. 

Some people can put that aside and do things that does not bother their partner or have any long lasting effects. That is not the case in many relationships.

If you choose to go down this path that your husband has presented you will have an Emotion from this sexual activity and he will have an Emotion from this sexual activity. That will stay with the both of you for the rest of your lives. 

Use you as an example, he says he wants you to have sex with other men, you do it and lets say you have an orgasm like you never had with him. How is his ego going to handle that? Per how you have said he treats you, not well.

How are you going to handle him having sex with another woman while you are there? From what you have written, not well.

These are only a couple of examples of what can happen when you go beyond someone's moral guides. Not only to you but to others as well.

There are reasons we have moral codes when we go against them a lot of time self loathing occurs and causes depression as well as other issues which can destroy any relationship.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Wow, just wow. There are so many red flags here. Most of the previous posters have been right. Don't do this. It doesn't matter if you made a promise. He manipulated you into that. You have to get some backbone and tell this man no. Don't listen to his threats. He needs counseling and so do you. And frankly it's not his decision whether you go or not. He's your husband not your father.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i agree with all of the above. You are worried about the backlash of making a promise that you were manipulated to make. if you are so afraid of your husband you should not be married to him. it's not like you promised to try out camping, or a new sport, or new food. those kind of things won't leave you emotionally scarred, debased, have a loss of self esteem, and feel unethical. There is no way in h*ll that you should be doing this because you feel pressured to.

Your husband may be addicted to porn.

*DO NOT GIVE IN. * It will get you nowhere except then your husband will hound you for it again. You will never appease him. If your husband thinks he will be depressed for the rest of his life because you won't do this, and he will resent you, then you might have to call it quits.

I can hear it now - his friends and family ask what went wrong, and he says, "because she refuses to do a threesome." how pathetic. Good luck to him finding a loving woman to cater to this fantasy that just a small percent of married couples engage in.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> Your H has watched so much porn that he's confusing it with reality. Porn can be awesome, but in limited quantities and preferably with your spouse. He's gone far beyond that. Does he jerk it to porn a lot?
> 
> The problem is that as he gets into different genres of porn, that's what he's gonna want to do. Better hope he doesn't get into bestiality.


Bestiality????? Ok some of us had to look that one up. Oh! Too much information! More than I ever needed too know...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

It's easy to tell her to leave, from the other side of the fence. I'm sure the OP also feels the struggle to hold the family together. She has kids and a home. Regardless that her H is obviously spoiled and selfish, she's walking a fine line here, and all the calls for her to leave him aren't going to help.

I'm curious Happilymarried?- you mentioned some things about getting hot and turned on while doing things you found morally repulsive.. I was left a little confused by how you stated those things and was wondering if you could elaborate on it.

Also, what kind of 3some is he asking for .. is he more interested in seeing you with another woman, or is he fixated on him being with another woman? 

I'm not sure any of that matters.. just curious, but also it's worth mentioning that you and him are clearly not on the same page when it comes to sexuality, and that's a huge problem. So far, it seems like you are not meeting him in the middle, but bending to his whims every time. That is not healthy, and he seems to be completely disinterested in how you feel about your sex life as a couple. 

Counseling is really needed here, regardless if you have the money- but you have a choice, and that is to keep enabling his behaviors, or stop enabling them. You will find that both of those choices will come with consequences. Sorry.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Thound said:


> Don't do it. You will be sorry if you do.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> It's easy to tell her to leave, from the other side of the fence. I'm sure the OP also feels the struggle to hold the family together. She has kids and a home. Regardless that her H is obviously spoiled and selfish, she's walking a fine line here, and all the calls for her to leave him aren't going to help.


*It is very easy to advise Happilymarried that she issue ultimatums or a "cease and desist" order trying to separate herself from the sordid and selfish sex acts with other people that her "loving husband" wants to subject her to.

Where is the marital bi-lateral love in all of that? How does it benefit her? How does it benefit the family? His immaturity and attempts at debauchery is nothing more than an sophomoric attempt to get what it is that he wants all while seemingly holding her "hostage" to participate in his lurid fantasy in order to maintain her stature in the family and a place in his heart. What kind of a husband would do that to his wife; or for that matter, by just putting the shoe over on the other foot, what kind of a wife would subject her husband to similar demands?*



> I'm curious Happilymarried?- you mentioned some things about getting hot and turned on while doing things you found morally repulsive.. I was left a little confused by how you stated those things and was wondering if you could elaborate on it.
> 
> Also, what kind of 3some is he asking for .. is he more interested in seeing you with another woman, or is he fixated on him being with another woman?
> 
> ...


*In total agreement! Counseling at this juncture appears to be the only viable way to try to save this marriage. If he refuses to go, it's painfully obvious that he is far more interested in his prurient pursuits rather than being the family man, husband, and father-figure that he has been richly charged with!*


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *It is very easy to advise Happilymarried that she issue ultimatums or a "cease and desist" order trying to separate herself from the sordid and selfish sex acts with other people that her "loving husband" wants to subject her to.
> 
> Where is the marital bi-lateral love in all of that? How does it benefit her? How does it benefit the family? His immaturity and attempts at debauchery is nothing more than an sophomoric attempt to get what it is that he wants all while seemingly holding her "hostage" to participate in his lurid fantasy in order to maintain her stature in the family and a place in his heart. What kind of a husband would do that to his wife; or for that matter, by just putting the shoe over on the other foot, what kind of a wife would subject her husband to similar demands?*



It's certainly interesting.. but how many of us have been subjected to that, and not even known it? Ever been in a relationship where the SO said "maybe we should see other people for a while".. "maybe we should take some time off".. 

IME, the speakers of those senseless statements tend to be the ones who go running around on a banging-spree while the other party is either unaware and hurting over the relationship, or very aware and so in love that they just go by the 'let them go.. if they come back' attitude. In the end, it's still not much different psychologically than being pushed into swinging.

I'm not defending that pile of crap husband or his sexual desires. I'm part of that community/lifestyle, and this kind of thing makes me angry. I feel for the OP, as she's screwed no matter what she does, and it's not her fault. I was only sympathizing with why she felt conflicted when everyone else saw black and white. I've seen this play out, and the end result is never good. Her position in this sucks, but she has a terrible decision to make which will affect everything going forward. 

I've been victim to unwanted sexual situations, and you might be surprised that a man is saying this, but it's true. I let a woman push me into things I wasn't prepared for mentally or emotionally at the time. The relationship ended in a huge trainwreck to say the least. I did learn a lot from it including a lot about myself that I never knew, and I've learned to embrace my wild side, so to speak. Many people don't have that side, and this world surely isn't for them.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

It is wrong, you know it, he knows it. If he wants you to dress up in some way or do other things together as a couple, that's fine, but nothing more. I think you should firmly tell him this is off limits. If he insists on seeking or talking about it further, tell him you can make an appointment with your minister or religious
leader and "the three" of you can discuss it.


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

You know few things I would never understand 
- Young man blew it away at sandy oak or college student at movie theater
- Men and women wanted to bring another person during the most intimate act they could perform with their so. 

I feel sick and I think it is a sickness.

I know some of you will feel offended. My apology. Who am I to critisize your way of life? But I have seen perfectly normal people who are sick.

OP, you should just prepare yourself for a storm. Say no, and stay calm and consistent. Maintain your perseverance. If this does not cure the sickness, you should let it be the cause of bigger thing. I hope you don't have to go there.

You know the problem is, I have a friend who just don't feel the wrong, wrong. He justifies, he convince himself, and he things it his right that is not getting fulfilled. It comes down to values. How do you install a value in somebody?


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## PeaceTrain (Jun 25, 2011)

Another thing, it is not wrong not to keep the promise when you made a wrong promise in the past. People learn and grow and change their positions for the better.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Tell him fine, first time with a girl, second time with a guy and that he'd better have anal with the other guy because it turns you on. Then see how he reacts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm going to be upfront and say that I read only up to post 5 in this thread, so OP take this for what it's worth.

Any spouse who wants a threeway is 1) not "all in" when it comes to the marriage itself and 2) will probably never be satisfied within his/her marriage regardless of what the other spouse does. In reading the first few posts, you are definitely following the script that Neville Chamberlain did when dealing with Hitler from the mid 30s up to 1939. Hitler kept expanding the German borders and both Britain and France looked the other way in order to "appease" Germany. Both countries hoped that "we'll give in on this one more time, and then Germany will be satisfied and stop"... Guess what? It never stopped and the "unavoidable consequence" that both countries tried to desperately stave off eventually came about anyways. See a parallel here?

You husband is insatiable. There is nothing, I repeat, nothing that you will be able to do sexually that will ever satisfy your husband. If you do this threesome, your husband will no longer be "depressed". I'm sure his idea of a threesome will always involve you, him and another woman, right? I bet no men? What will your husband want next or be depressed for the rest of his life? Will he want you to consent to him having an orgy with 10 women? Is he going to play the card again that "I never had an orgy with a room full of women before, and if you don't agree to let me have one I'm going to be depressed for the rest of my life"...

Get some damn self respect for yourself woman!!!! Your husband is broken. If you want this marriage to last, your husband needs to have some counseling in order to fix what is broken inside him. It's not normal to continuously keep raising the bar higher and higher without any limit. Your husband is going from more normal "kink" that is largely "innocent" naughty time between a husband and wife into depravity. 

Sooner or later, you are going to have to make a stand and tell him ENOUGH.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Your husband is broken. If you want this marriage to last, your husband needs to have some counseling in order to fix what is broken inside him.


It's ridiculous to say that her husband is "broken" because he wants a three-way. It's an extremely normal fantasy, plenty of people do it, and in fact, plenty of marriages around the world are between three people. The real problem here is the husband putting so much pressure on her to do something she doesn't want to do.

To me, it's ridiculous to see so much arguing, pain, heartache and stress over such a small thing as a threesome. It's really not a big deal. Really. (Assuming you protect your health). If that was my partner's fantasy, I wouldn't refuse. 

*HOWEVER* - I understand that many people feel differently, and this husband needs to understand that for now, anyway, he isn't going to get what he wants. Whether or not that is a deal-breaker in their marriage is up to him.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> It's ridiculous to say that her husband is "broken" because he wants a three-way. It's an extremely normal fantasy, plenty of people do it, and in fact, plenty of marriages around the world are between three people. The real problem here is the husband putting so much pressure on her to do something she doesn't want to do.
> 
> To me, it's ridiculous to see so much arguing, pain, heartache and stress over such a small thing as a threesome. It's really not a big deal. Really. (Assuming you protect your health). If that was my partner's fantasy, I wouldn't refuse.
> 
> *HOWEVER* - I understand that many people feel differently, and this husband needs to understand that for now, anyway, he isn't going to get what he wants. Whether or not that is a deal-breaker in their marriage is up to him.


You fail to see my point. The OP's husband is continuously requiring more and more different kinds of sexual acts from his wife in order to be satisfied. It's not so much that the threesome in and of itself is the issue, it's how he's going about trying to bring them about. He regularly manipulates his wife by saying things like "If we can't do this, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life...". Bullsh!t. What makes him depraved is that I'm sure that his wife is well outside her comfort zone already when it comes to sex, yet she is the one that keeps caving in repeatedly just to keep him happy. It's not working. That is why he needs help.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> He regularly manipulates his wife by saying things like "If we can't do this, I'll be depressed for the rest of my life...". Bullsh!t. What makes him depraved is that I'm sure that his wife is well outside her comfort zone already when it comes to sex, yet she is the one that keeps caving in repeatedly just to keep him happy. It's not working. That is why he needs help.


It's not necessarily "Bulls**t, maybe the lack of exploration is really making him depressed. But regardless, I totally agree that it's unacceptable to keep pressing your wife to do things she doesn't want to do.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Tell him fine, first time with a girl, second time with a guy and that he'd better have anal with the other guy because it turns you on. Then see how he reacts!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And in addition to that, be sure to tell him that he has to play "catcher!"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

happilymarried? said:


> *but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word?* I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.


This is a findamental concept. No means no. You can change your mind. 

Sounds like you are not compatible. if this is not what you want in marriage then tell him you need to move on.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

happilymarried? said:


> well see that's the thing, he would like to eventually see me have sex with another man. I'm thinking something is not right here


He is flat out just using you IMO. Do not go down this path.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Dump him.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> but how do I say no without a huge backlash when I've already told him I wouldn't go back on my word? I understand that that was wrong and I shouldn't have promised something I can't do. but how do I help him see my point of view when his is so different and he'll think I'm just playing with him and torturing him? He is extremely opinionated and open about sex and the kind of person who thinks everybody should think like him.


I understand that fear but do NOT compromise on your ideals in order to prevent a backlash. That is a long slippery slope. I'm sorry but it sounds like your husband is a very selfish and immature person. If you explain WHY you won't do it then he should understand ... if he doesn't then I think you need to start questioning his commitment to you. I know that sounds harsh but it really sounds like he is only thinking about himself but needs to convince you to go along with it. I also agree with the other poster who said he is essentially asking you permission to cheat on you. I suppose that would be perfectly fine for a very small percentage of people but if it isn't fine for you then he should not (read cannot) be pressuring you into it.

Question: would he be ok if instead of a 3-way with you and another girl, it was a 5 guy bareback gang bang and he gets to be one of the 5 guys? That if you don't, you will be depressed about it for your entire life. After all, you need a variety of penis in your life to be really happy. Oh, and I like the idea that he gets to be on the receiving end of it too ... that would really float your boat and you can't live without seeing that. Obviously that is a really crude example and I'm in no way saying that you suggest that to him ... but I'm guessing his answer would be no. I'm guessing he is really only interested in having sex with another woman and then watching you with her too. In other words, it's really all about him.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Nobody owns your mind or body. You are free to change your mind if you wish because it's your body and what goes into it is your choice alone. 

Ask your husband to think of a sexual act that completely turns him off. Tell him that is how you feel about 3 somes. The fact that he did not do this before marriage is not your problem. You married for monogamy.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Tell him ok, but one of your partners has to be a donkey. And no, him being a jack ass doesn't count.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

happilymarried? said:


> My husband and I have been married for five years and have two small children. over these years he has convinced me to do a lot of sexual activities I thought were not a normal part of a marriage and I am morally against. I understand that things like watching porn together are relatively normal and although I am ok with it now I have not changed my opinion on it. One thing I was adament on is that I would never have a three way. When I'm aroused it's hard to not get into sexual things that I otherwise have absolutely no interest in. meaning i've tried for long enough to satisfy him that i have gotten myself to get hot about things he likes, not me, so that he enjoys it more, and, after some fights and him being depressed over it and saying he'll be depressed for the rest of his life and he should have done it before getting married, he took advantage of that and convinced me to do a three way. I tried to lay down some rules like this will be the only time cause he knows I am against it, but he kept talking as if he plans on convincing me to do it a couple times a year. the more I think about it, the more I want to say no, but i'm afraid of the consequences. we had a large fight over this and we rarely fight. and it would be cruel to have promised something that he says is so important to him and then just change my mind and i really don't want him to be depressed and resentful for any amount of time. how can I get him to remember the love he has for me and how he used to not want to push me into it because of the hurt it would cause me? it seems like he just can't get enough when it comes to sex. by the way five years ago the first time he told me he had watched porn he had felt extremely guilty about it.



Anything that he or you suggest sexually is fine between the two of you, in marriage.

The fact is, your hubby, wants to purposely commit adultery and break his marriage vows to you, God, parents, etc., to get his fantasy full filled and rocks off. He should of done that before he married you and had kids.

Would I personally want a 3 some with my wifee? No. My wife would only go along with it to please me. I doubt she would love the idea of me having full sex with another woman while she watches and participates. I know I wouldn't want another guy, since I like women, so that wouldn't work either. Not in a million years, no thank you!!!

Porn is addictive. The more you watch, the more you get addicted and want to do the things these highly paid, men and women do. Plus they have hot bodies that most of us will never have, so they're not the norm and how would that make you feel? Inadequate? To me doesn't matter but to my wife, big time matters!!!

If he's hung up on the orgy sex, 3+ people, divorce him and find a real man that will commit to you and your needs.

Just because you think it, doesn't mean you just do it. Some fantasies should remain just that.

In some cases, a 3 some might work but in most situations, it doesn't, plus you're married.


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