# Christians but No attraction to husband



## Rambojam

Is it normal after 7 years and a child to be unattracted to your husband? We married 7 years ago and both believed it was from God but after the birth of our child I felt something was missing. Neither of us has strayed but to be honest I've been atracted to other men and sometimes have wanted something more. I never went that far though as my conscience gets the better of me thankfully. I'm ashamed of how I am but I don't understand it. My relationship with God hasn't been as good since I got married but does this mean we're not right for eachother? 

We are both besotted with our daughter and I sort of believe that if it wasn't for my daughter we might not be together. I don't think my husband has any attraction problems and he often complains that I seem disinterested in him. It's really not fair on him as he's done nothing to deserve this. I have great respect for him and Christian principles - once married always married, but I can't help but feel trapped sometimes. Should I just get on with it and make the most of it cos that's what I'm doing just now? Sex is a problem and I could take it or leave it but I know I'm hurting him being like this. Sometimes I just want him to accept things the way they are and get on with it to see our daughter through the precious years but I'm quite sad at times about the whole thing and know that its not fair on him. I just don't seem to have to get up and go to do something about it. What's wrong with me???


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## 827Aug

I think you could benefit from reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. You will discover what your husband must provide for you to get that "in love" feeling again. Gary Chapman is a Christian and his books reflect that.


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## funundersun

I think you both need to start going on dates with one another and you may feel awkward in the beginning but this will really help. Just go for a nice dinner outside or some other place wherein you both can sit relax and just talk. Please do not talk about money, career & kid. Make sure that it should be just you two and no one else with you, not even your kid. Its just once a week, this will really help ur marriage.


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## GAsoccerman

Did you get married before or after you were pregnant with your daughter?

How old are you both?


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## dobo

This is sad for both of you.

When you married, what attracted you to him? Have those things changed? Are you disillusioned with marriage in general? Are you emotionally engaged with your husband? Or did you give your child all of that emotion and starve out your marriage? It happens a lot.


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## TriticusFilia

Nothing is ‘wrong’ with you. Marriage, as I often think of it to be, is a test. An emotional, physical, and spiritual test of endurance....and will; always maturing, always changing, but with a foundation of fundamental stability. 
As Christians, the primary purpose of our faith is the submission of our own will for that of the Father. For the majority of us, it is our Father’s will that we wed, and not upon the sole premiss of physical attraction. I mean c’mon, you didn’t marry your hubby just because he was hot and made you go ohhh!! And besides, in now way does the Bible claim that Christian wives must be purring sex kittens ready to pounce their hubby’s libido in a moment’s notice! 
This ‘cooling off’ - if you will - could simply signify the need for growth of other aspects just as important if not more so than the physical act of sex. After all, sex is the culmination, of the human representation of the Church. Yes, you read that correctly. As Christ so Loves the Church, the Husband Loves the Wife, as Paul wrote in Ephesians. Are Churches perfect? No. Are marriages perfect? No. Certainly not, but both manifest the needs and desires of the congregation/spouse and both serves as means to the others productive ends.....as long as Christ is the center of course. 
Courage, Fath. And remember that as married Christians the devil - whether you believe in an actual evil entity or an archetypal personification of negativity - seeks to destroy that which God intended to be sanctified and fortified by His Holy Purpose. 
Communicate with your husband, and with Jesus. 
On a lighter note, I can’t honestly say that when my hubby is 85 and all wrinkly and bald that I will by all that physically attracted to him!!! But..... I know that I will still love him. 
Enjoy the flower of youth as God has given it to be.


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## SFladybug

TriticusFilia said:


> This ‘cooling off’ - if you will - could simply signify the need for growth of other aspects just as important if not more so than the physical act of sex. After all, sex is the culmination, of the human representation of the Church. ...... as married Christians the devil - whether you believe in an actual evil entity or an archetypal personification of negativity - seeks to destroy that which God intended to be sanctified and fortified by His Holy Purpose.


:iagree: with these ideas, but have also been where you are. Give yourself and your spouse a break. When we have children, our delight in them can take over. Our emotional connections are very focused on this and it changes the nature of our marriage. The person above who suggests going on dates probably has some good insight, but you will both need to change your ideals for marriage and what it means in order to get through this time of your life. 

Are you aware of anger or resentment on your part? Work to clear the air and find ways to understand each other.

I have benefited from coming to see that God designed Romance for us and to express a part of His/Her nature. I suggest reading a christian fiction series..Ted Dekker "Black, Red, White" and "Wild At Heart" (can't remember the author - forget the one about women...too trite). The aspect of ourselves that cries out for romance is not something to be ignored, but also may not look like the passion plays we see in the movies.

May God grant you grace and wisdom.


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## cbol2

I think you should both read and do "The Love Dare". There is a part in the beginning that talks about "leading your heart" as opposed to "following your heart". Our heart is sinful and it's wants change from day to day. We have to make a conscious decision every day to lead our heart where it needs to go. It's actually a pretty common problem.. but it is fixable. 

For women a lot of the sexual attraction we feel for our husband comes from sharing intimacy, respect and love outside of the bedroom. If any of those things are missing it really messes with attraction. 

There is also a book called "Love and Respect" and more good resources on Gary Smalley's website. 

Really try to nip it in the bud as soon as you can. It's really hard on both a husband and a wife. 

There are things that you both will need to do to change the situation.


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## preso

TriticusFilia said:


> Nothing is ‘wrong’ with you. Marriage, as I often think of it to be, is a test. An emotional, physical, and spiritual test of endurance....and will; always maturing, always changing, but with a foundation of fundamental stability.
> As Christians, the primary purpose of our faith is the submission of our own will for that of the Father. For the majority of us, it is our Father’s will that we wed, and not upon the sole premiss of physical attraction. I mean c’mon, you didn’t marry your hubby just because he was hot and made you go ohhh!! And besides, in now way does the Bible claim that Christian wives must be purring sex kittens ready to pounce their hubby’s libido in a moment’s notice!
> This ‘cooling off’ - if you will - could simply signify the need for growth of other aspects just as important if not more so than the physical act of sex. After all, sex is the culmination, of the human representation of the Church. Yes, you read that correctly. As Christ so Loves the Church, the Husband Loves the Wife, as Paul wrote in Ephesians. Are Churches perfect? No. Are marriages perfect? No. Certainly not, but both manifest the needs and desires of the congregation/spouse and both serves as means to the others productive ends.....as long as Christ is the center of course.
> Courage, Fath. And remember that as married Christians the devil - whether you believe in an actual evil entity or an archetypal personification of negativity - seeks to destroy that which God intended to be sanctified and fortified by His Holy Purpose.
> Communicate with your husband, and with Jesus.
> On a lighter note, I can’t honestly say that when my hubby is 85 and all wrinkly and bald that I will by all that physically attracted to him!!! But..... I know that I will still love him.
> Enjoy the flower of youth as God has given it to be.



good post... from someone who knows what love is and about God too I might add.


:iagree:


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## randarama

Take it from the other side of this thing, your husband is hurting just like you are. 
The Five Love Languages would be a good read, but I think that the problems are deeper than this. I would encourage you to go to a good Biblical counselor NOW, before you become so emotionally detached from your husband that either you or him have an affair and wreck this whole thing. If you have already thought about it more than once, you both need help.
I would say that both you and your husband need to be very, very honest with each other; and that without attacking each other. Give room and space to be honest and heard. Write down things that he can do that would really minister to your needs. Encourage him to do the same. Share them with each other, work at them, and then get back from time to time to see where you both are at. 
Talk and pray with each other EVERYDAY before going to bed. Try not to talk about the kids or work, but talk about each other. If you not dating, try to go out once or twice a week. You both need that. If there is something that you feel like you really need from him, let him know. Don't hold it against him if he doesn't know the things that make you happy. He needs upfront communication from you; and if he really loves you, he will hear it and do something about it. If you see him trying, that means he really does love you and is trying to work at it. Your praise of his efforts will do wonders for him. He may need a little help along the way, but if you will help to guide him along, he will start to become the man of your dreams. Communicate, communicate, communicate. 
Let me know how it goes.
- r


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## Corpuswife

If you both put God as a priority then your relationship will fall into place. As Christians we need to put HIM first and then work on our marriage. 

I also agree with the other posters regarding the "cooling off" period.


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## italiana86

Are you just a Christian or do you live the way of a Christian? Just being a Christian is not enough!!! A lot of people talk the talk of a Christian but don't walk the walk of a Christian!!!

I would say before you do anything you should work on your relationship to God!!!! After that anything else will be easier to understand and this feeling that you are having towards your husband will change!!! God is good and he can heal ANYBODY!

watch that : www.mycardboardtestimony.com

God bless you and your family!

by the way. the book 5 love languages is very nice!!!


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## wiseman

I have been married for about 7 years also with 3 children. One major reason why you may be having this problem can date back to when you have your baby. You might have shifted focus to your baby rather than your husband.

Try giving the baby as a reason why you are still married it won't help you.

What I do is to pray with my wife in a loud way such that she can know we are committing the problem jointly to God and you will realise that the wisdom to handle the situation will come. Try and pray together about your fears and God will answer.


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## MEM2020

Does he say I love you too much? Does he hug/touch you too much? Does he emotionally crowd you? Meaning does he ever back off - focus on other stuff and let you get to the point where you miss him, and desire his company and his touch?

Does he have an edge? When provoked by you or others does he respond with a healthy amount of aggression? Or is he conflict avoidant?

Has he made the effort to learn your body so he can really please you?

Were you ever really attracted to him? If so, whats changed?




Rambojam said:


> Is it normal after 7 years and a child to be unattracted to your husband? We married 7 years ago and both believed it was from God but after the birth of our child I felt something was missing. Neither of us has strayed but to be honest I've been atracted to other men and sometimes have wanted something more. I never went that far though as my conscience gets the better of me thankfully. I'm ashamed of how I am but I don't understand it. My relationship with God hasn't been as good since I got married but does this mean we're not right for eachother?
> 
> We are both besotted with our daughter and I sort of believe that if it wasn't for my daughter we might not be together. I don't think my husband has any attraction problems and he often complains that I seem disinterested in him. It's really not fair on him as he's done nothing to deserve this. I have great respect for him and Christian principles - once married always married, but I can't help but feel trapped sometimes. Should I just get on with it and make the most of it cos that's what I'm doing just now? Sex is a problem and I could take it or leave it but I know I'm hurting him being like this. Sometimes I just want him to accept things the way they are and get on with it to see our daughter through the precious years but I'm quite sad at times about the whole thing and know that its not fair on him. I just don't seem to have to get up and go to do something about it. What's wrong with me???


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## sooner2000

I agree with the five love languages book. It's a good read. But, I also think that seeing a marriage counselor is a must for you.


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## created4success

I've heard this said before and I believe it to be true: "love is not an emotion, but a commitment." Sure, you need to be in love, but its possible that during the course of your relationship to fall out of love (or even like) when things get tough, or your spouse hurts or betrays your trust in some way.

Besides, I've never heard of anyone maintaining that initial "honeymoon love" stage during the course of your entire relationship. You may think its bliss at the time -- an intoxicating, wonderful one at that -- but love has many stages and rewards as it grows and matures.

Committing to your marriage, sometimes despite how you feel, can lead to a depth and richness in your relationship that few obtain. But it takes years of work, patience, commitment, and understanding. 

After more than 15 years, I love and appreciate my wife more than I ever have. Have I always loved her like this? No. Have I always liked her, whatever we've faced together? Not always.

Hope this gives some perspective...


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## KD Blue

Ultimately, communication is key. 1st with God; 
honestly and from your heart ask Him to soften your heart back to your husband & 2nd with your husband. Be "naked and not ashamed" with your heart to him, let him know what's going on. He may be feeling the same. God wants your marriage to work. I truly believe He will restore it and give you the grace once you've discussed it with Him. Praying for you in the meantime.


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## louie_a_lopez

Originally Posted by TriticusFilia 
Nothing is ‘wrong’ with you. Marriage, as I often think of it to be, is a test. An emotional, physical, and spiritual test of endurance....and will; always maturing, always changing, but with a foundation of fundamental stability. 
As Christians, the primary purpose of our faith is the submission of our own will for that of the Father. For the majority of us, it is our Father’s will that we wed, and not upon the sole premiss of physical attraction. I mean c’mon, you didn’t marry your hubby just because he was hot and made you go ohhh!! And besides, in now way does the Bible claim that Christian wives must be purring sex kittens ready to pounce their hubby’s libido in a moment’s notice! 
This ‘cooling off’ - if you will - could simply signify the need for growth of other aspects just as important if not more so than the physical act of sex. After all, sex is the culmination, of the human representation of the Church. Yes, you read that correctly. As Christ so Loves the Church, the Husband Loves the Wife, as Paul wrote in Ephesians. Are Churches perfect? No. Are marriages perfect? No. Certainly not, but both manifest the needs and desires of the congregation/spouse and both serves as means to the others productive ends.....as long as Christ is the center of course. 
Courage, Fath. And remember that as married Christians the devil - whether you believe in an actual evil entity or an archetypal personification of negativity - seeks to destroy that which God intended to be sanctified and fortified by His Holy Purpose. 
Communicate with your husband, and with Jesus. 
On a lighter note, I can’t honestly say that when my hubby is 85 and all wrinkly and bald that I will by all that physically attracted to him!!! But..... I know that I will still love him. 
Enjoy the flower of youth as God has given it to be. 





that was a really good post by TriticusFilia ... talking to some people from the church all agree... fix your relationship with God and everything will fall to place... i will admit i have lost my faith for some time, but have been slowly getting it back... recently i went back to church and wept from happiness and sadness if that makes any sense... marriage is work, a lot of work. The stress and strain of every day life can distract us at times and cause us to lose focus on the work that needs to be done in the marriage. i see that now hopefully it is not too late..


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## LadyOfTheHouse

Rambojam said:


> Is it normal after 7 years and a child to be unattracted to your husband? We married 7 years ago and both believed it was from God but after the birth of our child I felt something was missing. Neither of us has strayed but to be honest I've been atracted to other men and sometimes have wanted something more. I never went that far though as my conscience gets the better of me thankfully. I'm ashamed of how I am but I don't understand it. My relationship with God hasn't been as good since I got married but does this mean we're not right for eachother?
> 
> We are both besotted with our daughter and I sort of believe that if it wasn't for my daughter we might not be together. I don't think my husband has any attraction problems and he often complains that I seem disinterested in him. It's really not fair on him as he's done nothing to deserve this. I have great respect for him and Christian principles - once married always married, but I can't help but feel trapped sometimes. Should I just get on with it and make the most of it cos that's what I'm doing just now? Sex is a problem and I could take it or leave it but I know I'm hurting him being like this. Sometimes I just want him to accept things the way they are and get on with it to see our daughter through the precious years but I'm quite sad at times about the whole thing and know that its not fair on him. I just don't seem to have to get up and go to do something about it. What's wrong with me???


there's nothing wrong with you, dear. you're experiencing the same feelings that all wives experience at some point. in your favor, you're remarkably better equipped than most wives to deal with these feelings--indifference towards your husband, temptation towards other men. 

you already have a solid spiritual background, so let's approach this from a secular perspective: what do you find appealing about other men? intrigue? attention? animated conversation, exchange of ideas? flirtation? welll....obviously your husband has the capacity to do all that stuff. otehrwise you wouldn't have fallen in love with him and married him. =)

when our "honeymoon phase" ended--as i knew it eventaully would; i had schooled myself against disillusionment from day one--i was HEARTBROKEN. i felt guilty for wanting more. i craved INFATUATION, and i knew that i could only legitimately get the attention i wanted from my husband...but it seemed like such a lost cause. either you're attracted to someone or you're not, right? you can CHOOSE to love all day, you can commit firmly, but that doesn;t make you miss infatuation any less. i told myself that the conscious, committed love to follow was purer and truer and more godly than the infatuated love we had initially, but it made me so unspeakably sad.

here's the good news: you can rebuild and sustain ROMANTIC love. it's based on the biblical principles of love-as-a-choice-not-a-feeling, he puts you first and you submit, all that good stuff. check out marriagebuilders.com. the founder is a Christian and he adheres to biblical principals, but he applies them in such a way that they benefit secular couples too. (rather the way that applying Christian principles in your business dealings will make you successful whether you believe or not.) it's a concrete plan for SUSTAINING ROMANTIC LOVE, and it depends upon both parties making a conscious choice to love. best of both worlds.

with regards to sex, do you avoid it because you don't enjoy it/crave it physically? or because your husband just doesn't inspire that feeling? do you feel yourself submitting to sex w/ your husband out of a sense of duty, but still feeling frisky and restless in the presence of other men? maybe they're fulfilling some EMOTIONAL need you don't recognize in yourself, and thereby making you feel special, valued, attractive, and therefore sexy. these are BEHAVIORS, and your husband can learn them.

if your'e concerned about sex in the short-term and feel that the whole submission-out-of-obligation is going to make you feel increasingly resentful, inadequate, and indebted, maybe you should try initiating sex. i don't want to qualify this as a preemptive strike, but i will tell you that it breaks the cycle. you can't feel used when you're leading the charge, and your husband can't be anything less than admiring and appreciative. give it a shot. 

keep us posted!


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## freeshias4me

One thing that was NOT mentioned yet...
Her lack of desire for sex... it CAN be a result of hormone changes!
I remember having the sexual libido of a MAN before becoming pregnant with my daughter...And after a few weeks along in the pregnancy, All my libido slowly started disappearing, and never really came back! 
If she truly has hormonal changes like this, she might not feel attracted sexually to her husband.


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