# How they treat you vs how you feel



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I read something the other day that made me stop and think. It basically said that how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them. This was in regards to finding someone to marry. 

I understand what they are getting at, but I have never thought of being with someone I don’t feel completely head over heels for, and maybe that’s why I’m single. I know a lot of my friends have settled and are still super happy.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

There needs to be both; they're not mutually exclusive. But. How someone treats you is super important and often ignored because we focus on the physical attraction almost exclusively. Human nature.
If you ignore or downplay the practical, long term aspect of respect, there will very possibly be lots of problems down the road. Maybe biggest reason why so many divorces.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It is more important, if someone is in a relationship with an abuser. If someone is head over heels in love with someone who hits them or degrades them verbally, that is more important than how they feel about the abuser. They need to get out.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Depends on what your attracted to. Some people have a type that is so unhealthy and dysfunctional they do have to kind of forget about attraction to have a healthy relationship. Others, not so much.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

It's a matter of priorities. People tend to find what they prioritize, but that often comes at the expense of other things. Want that crazy chemistry? Easy enough to find but do they treat you right? Want someone loyal that will treat you well? Maybe the chemistry isn't off the charts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> I read something the other day that made me stop and think. It basically said that how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them. This was in regards to finding someone to marry.
> 
> I understand what they are getting at, but I have never thought of being with someone I don’t feel completely head over heels for, and maybe that’s why I’m single. I know a lot of my friends have settled and are still super happy.


My take on this is that they are not saying that a woman should be with someone who treats them well even if the woman does not have strong feelings (in love) with the guy.

I think this means that if a woman is head over heals in love with a guy, she still needs to consider if he treats her well. If he does not treat her well, then she need to dump him even if she's madly in love with him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Maybe the calculus is different for some people to where the fear of being alone or the necessity of a combined household overwhelms their need to actually be “in love”.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's hard to say which people should prioritize more or less, b/c there is so much difference in what people prioritize. 

I think 200 years ago more people picked a spouse on pure practicality.

Today people seem more likely to marry someone "exciting" who, to the clear eyed, is clearly going to be a terrible spouse.

I think both matter and you have to figure out where you lie on the spectrum.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

How did your friends settle? Did they skew more towards the how the guy treats them part?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> My take on this is that they are not saying that a woman should be with someone who treats them well even if the woman does not have strong feelings (in love) with the guy.
> 
> I think this means that if a woman is head over heals in love with a guy, she still needs to consider if he treats her well. If he does not treat her well, then she need to dump him even if she's madly in love with him.


I agree w/ this, depending what is meant by "treats her well". Mistreatment like violence, infidelity, and dereliction of irresponsibility are for most people going to end badly. OTOH you can get carried away w/ expectations and dump someone who might have been a good spouse.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I read something the other day that made me stop and think. It basically said that how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them. This was in regards to finding someone to marry.
> 
> I understand what they are getting at, but I have never thought of being with someone I don’t feel completely head over heels for, and maybe that’s why I’m single. I know a lot of my friends have settled and are still super happy.


I read that and I thought, yes, OK, that makes sense, and then I expanded it to everyday life.

We all want to be treated nicely and fairly by most everyone, regardless how it is we feel about them.

I believe that is a self-centered and possibly a selfish way of approaching life, let alone a close relationship.

Life is give-and-take, and so are relationships....or should be.

Falling head and heels over someone can happen, but it is usually short lived.
After some period we start to see those little things in others that dull the shine on the apple.

Most people would never tell you to settle, than again, most would tell you to have a measure of compromise when picking a partner.

Otherwise......

You may wait forever for Mr. Perfect to arrive.

Sad fact:
The older you get, the fewer great choices are available, in your acceptable partner age range.

Yes, the good ones get snapped up, quickly.

If you settle, settle wisely.

Include love for your partner, include some 'musts' he needs have.
Some, not all.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, you need both sides of this for things to work well. If you are too into someone, they can take advantage of you/treat you poorly. If they treat you very, very well but you are not into them, it's not fair to them (especially if you do not treat them as well in return); you may lose them eventually when they wise-up that they're being used.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

The head over heals feeling is not likely to last more than a few years. Then what?

Over the years your feelings for someone will generally vary over time. During those times when you're not passionate about them, the most likely thing that would get you through those periods would be things like mutual respect and overall conscientiousness. Are they a good person overall and do they treat you well regardless of whether you're not having sex with them or not?

100% if they don't treat you well, those feelings will not last and will be replaced with regret.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

IMO far too few people consider compatibility and put more emphasis on love and attraction when the opposite should be true. 

Love can grow out of compatibility and basic attraction but love/attraction can't create compatibility.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think we all settle. I remember when that crappy actress Megan Fox became popular and I thought she was the hottest girl ever. She eventually got married but you know what, that dude settled too. He got a super hot wife sure, but he had to settle for a girl that is bats**t crazy. The people who prioritize compatibility probably find someone good for them and have a decent life together but they settle for someone not as hot as they'd like. If you're out there always chasing chemistry, then you might find it for a time but you will likely be settling for a life of serial monogamy. As each relationship matures and that crazy chemistry fades, you have to move on and look for it again.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> I remember when that crappy actress Megan Fox became popular and I thought she was the hottest girl ever.


Is that the girl who did the “Naughty Girls Need Live Too” video in the 80s? If so I agree with her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Is that the girl who did the “Naughty Girls Need Live Too” video in the 80s? If so I agree with her.


I thought that was Samantha Fox.

British girl.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> I read something the other day that made me stop and think. It basically said that how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them. This was in regards to finding someone to marry.
> 
> I understand what they are getting at, but I have never thought of being with someone I don’t feel completely head over heels for, and maybe that’s why I’m single. I know a lot of my friends have settled and are still super happy.


I see value in this statement because once you're married, how they treat you is vital when it comes time to recognize when treatment is unhealthy. But when you're dating and searching out that other party, it's easier because you're doing things to get that person, or to gain something. I'll take her on a date because that will make her think I'm fun, or whatever the motive. There tends to be more motive before marriage, then you're married and SO can get complacent and just expect things constantly, the dynamic of give and take can be easily abused. Where before you were seeking to please each other. I don't know how to explain what's in my head and re-reading this I'm not sure I conveyed what I set out to. lol


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> I read something the other day that made me stop and think. It basically said that how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them. This was in regards to finding someone to marry.
> 
> I understand what they are getting at, but I have never thought of being with someone I don’t feel completely head over heels for, and maybe that’s why I’m single. I know a lot of my friends have settled and are still super happy.


You are missing the point of the quote. It's aimed at people who love bad partners. So if you are with a toxic person or somebody who abuses you, it doesn't matter that you love them. They are awful & you need to get away because they treat you bad. 

You are looking at a different issue. Settling is bad when you have to give up your values to not be alone. Being realistic is a good thing & what most people do. If you are not famous, the idea that you can date a supermodel is probably not attainable. Are you really settling if then marry a regular person just like you? Of course not. IMO it's also not "settling" if you marry somebody shorter, taller, a few pounds overweight, has less hair, or who has a different kind of job then you always envisioned (blue collar v professional). You are making rational choices based on the available pool. In my own life I have a fancy graduate degree. I predominately dated men just like me & those relationships were not always healthy. Then I met my now husband who in his mid-30s was enrolled in an online college while I was an adjunct professor at a traditional school. He has no where near the education or pedigree that I have but so what? He's an amazing person & IMO incredibly handsome. He has since graduated from college with a 4.0 (while holding down a full time job) & is a very hard worker with a solid career he loves. When we were dating / engaged people told me I was settling. I assured them they were idiots who didn't know what they were talking about. 13 years later I'm happily married while 2 of the biggest detractors are still single & bitter. 

If you are not in love with somebody of course don't date / marry them. But don't get hung up on superficial stuff either.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> I read something the other day that made me stop and think. It basically said that how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them. This was in regards to finding someone to marry.
> 
> I understand what they are getting at, but I have never thought of being with someone I don’t feel completely head over heels for, and maybe that’s why I’m single. I know a lot of my friends have settled and are still super happy.


to me, it depends on your priority. But if you have a long list of “must have” for a partner, then it becomes harder to find some one that matches every single item on that list. And also depends on how “realistic” are the item on your list.

look, just a shallow example here, if you only go head over heel for a successful wealthy young good looking funny medical doctor who will spending a lot of time with you to travel around the world, then that person most likely only exists in movies and nowhere else. That’s because there is a lot of things thats highly unlikely to happen all at the same thing for that person to exist.

But regarding “how that person treats you” vs “how you feel”, I would pick the first. Cause trust me, how that person treats you will make ALL the difference down the road. The way that person treats WILL change your feeling towards them.

having said that, if you have absolutely no feeling about that person at all, then it’s not gonna work out either. So don’t go the extreme. Find someone you like that treats you well. It will last.

and don’t settle.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I think this means that if a woman is head over heals in love with a guy, she still needs to consider if he treats her well. If he does not treat her well, then she need to dump him even if she's madly in love with him.


I mostly read it this way too. The flip-side though is even if someone is 'acting' right and treating a person well, if there's some kind of nagging feeling that something is 'off' despite being 'treated well', don't ignore it.

I'd also be interested in why you think that your friends have 'settled' - is that your assumption or have they relayed that to you themselves?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

IDK if this applies to anyone here, but people have different reactions to a prospective who treats people well. Some equate that w/ grandparents and would find the prospective boring. Others think it can only make the prospective more interesting.


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