# This is what HE chose, so why do I feel so guilty.



## marlene (Oct 9, 2013)

I come to this forum out of complete despair, anxiety, and depression.

I will try and sum this all up as short as possible.

I have been in a back and forth relationship for 4 years. We have been married for 11 months, and seperated for 4 months out of the eleven.

We would go back and forth because he did not want to commit and "was too selfish".

When I agreed to marry him, it was because I thought he had changed. (crazy, right? lol).

6 months into the marriage came the realization that he hadn't. He decided he was too selfish to be married, he was always going to be a jerk, and that it was too hard doing what he wanted, let alone what his wife wanted too, and a divorce would probably be best. I still stayed. He didn't talk to me for a month. I finally had my break down and told him what I thought of his actions and called him a few names, and he told me that I needed to leave or he would. I still didn't leave. He works out of town and would come in every other night, so I told him that he didn't need to come home until he decided 100% whether he wanted this marriage or not. He didn't come home for 3 days and I didn't hear from him at all, one day I got off of work and saw his work truck. So I thought to myself "he finally pulled his head out and is ready to talk", welp, I was wrong. He had gotten into town early and went to go hang out with his buddies. I text him and asked him if had forgotten anything, and he said NOPE. I told him I was just making sure that he hadn't forgotten that he was married, and again he said no.

I got all of my clothes and necessities and moved in with a good friend that night. 

Basically, for the next 2 months when I would beg him to talk to me he would say no, he would reasssure me that he was 100% sure he wanted this divorce. I was a complete WRECK for 2 months. I cried every day. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to be around anyone. I was heartbroken.

Then I started getting over it. I picked myself up off the floor (almost literally) and told myself I can't do this anymore and started getting my life together. I got my own place, started being more sociable, and was actually happy.

WELL, for the last month my "husband" has made an appearance again. He is back with the "I've changed" thing. He says that he has found God, quit drinking, is ready to put me first, and that he finally sees what he is missing. (heard most of this before except the God thing). He has also gotten my mom on his side, and some of our mutual friends. 

HERE IS MY DILEMMA:

Now I feel guilty because I don't want to work the marriage out anymore. But I don't want to hurt him. I have literally let him and my mom, guilt me into trying again. We aren't living together and our divorce is final on 10/29/2013, and I am so torn. For 2 months he wanted a divorce, was 100% sure, so I lived life like I was getting a divorce, went through the motions, and slowly started picking myself back up and now he is back and I am questioning everything.


I don't know what to do. Maybe I just needed to get this all out on paper.

I do know that I don't want to hurt him. And the guilt of this is making me depressed and an anxious mess. I know that I married him, and I know I shouldn't give up on our marriage, but he did this first. I loved him more than anything, including myself, and he took advantage of that.


I guess I just need some encouragement. I have a huge heart and self concious, and worry way too much about what other people think.

Am I doing the wrong thing? How do I tell him without crushing him? How do I learn to put myself first and forget everything else?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

be thankful it ended now, not after 25 years and kids, 
sounds like he is not mature enough for marriage, sorry


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Can a dog really change its spots?

Not sure why you are feeling guilty, you have already gone through this at least one time before and you know the results. Based on his previous actions, I would say that it may last a few months, but he will most likely return to his former self.

Unless you want to open yourself up for more heartache, I would continue on the path that has been started and get a divorce. The worst thing that happens is that you get the divorce, he can prove to you that he really has changed, and then you can get married again.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

If you are 100% sure, then just try to put the guilt aside and be clear to him that you are done. If you aren't 100% sure (for reasons other than guilt) then there's nothing wrong with not filing the paperwork and just dating. Live apart and date until (6 months or more) he has proved to you that he really means it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with all the above posts.

Additionally, I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your Mom, because she is going to continue to push you on this issue, and she will continue to make this difficult for you. 

You need to tell her to butt out of your business; if she likes your "husband" so much, she can marry him. (  ) But seriously, she needs to stop having an opinion about what you should do; this is your marriage, not hers, and she needs to respect that. Tell her what exactly she's doing, how her behavior is affecting you and that it needs to stop, and that what you really need from her right now is her unconditional love and support, regardless of her personal opinion about your decision. Tell her that if she continues with her current behavior, you're going to have to cut off contact with her - and stick to it. (If she agrees during your conversation, but then at a later time reverts back to her earlier behavior, give her one warning - "Mom, we talked about this, and if you don't stop, I'm going to leave" - and if she doesn't stop, follow through and leave.)

It's going to be a hard conversation to have, and it sucks that you have to do it while you're going through all this other sh!t, but if she's doing this now, she's not going to stop after you're divorced.

Best of luck. *hugs*


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

One of the biggest life lessons to learn is that it's impossible to go through life without hurting someone. Impossible.

There will always be people that want things that you don't want to give.

If you can accept this fact it will be easier to let him go.

The guilt will pass in time. I promise.


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## marlene (Oct 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> One of the biggest life lessons to learn is that it's impossible to go through life without hurting someone. Impossible.
> 
> There will always be people that want things that you don't want to give.
> 
> ...



^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This made me cry!





Thank you all for your responses. This is all so hard. I hate that I had to suffer when he initially asked me to leave and said he wanted a divorce, and now I am having to pay for him changing his mind. It's not fair. But I know its my own fault fo rnot having a back bone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've got years of therapy under my belt and I just figured this out last year. Wasn't about my husband it was about a user friend of 4 years that I'd outgrown.

My therapist said I was the type of person who would rather let someone be mean to me than to be 'mean' to others. See she was being mean to me same as your husband was mean to you.

My friend tried to be nicer but it was too late and I struggled to let her go. I no longer wanted to be her friend and it crushed me to think I was being 'mean' to her.

Thing is she'd done much much worse to me. 

When I saw this I mean truly saw it I was STUNNED that I could be that weak. 

Made it easier to do what needed to be done.

I still didn't like it but it got easier as time went on.

That's why I say it will pass.


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## marlene (Oct 9, 2013)

How did you make yourself realize this?

I am terrible at holding grudges. So even though I "know" what he has done to me, after the pain and anger has worn off, I guess I tend to forget, hence comes the guilt. 

I have to remind myself over and over what he has done in order to get me mad again, and remind myself why I can't go back.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Marlene,

Why do you feel that standing up for yourself is holding a grudge? Your H is controlling and manipulative. You are going right along with it. It sounds like you may have some self-esteem issues. You need to figure out why you allow people to mistreat you, your mom included. Do you have that voice inside you that says you don't deserve to be treated well, to be loved in a healthy manner, to put your needs first?

I'd recommend individual counselling. Until you get to the root of this acceptance of being treated poorly, you will continue in relationships with controlling men.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Marlene,

I have recently separated from my wife of 4 months, together for six years in total. She too was way too selfish and too immature for marriage.

Like you I was heart broken at first, devastated in fact, however as you emotionally detach from your husband, you will see more and more that he is not the right one for you. On some level you are seeing this already, which is why you don't want to work on the marriage. There's nothing wrong with that. 

You probably love him with all of your heart, as I do my wife. But I'm starting to learn that just because you love someone, that doesn't mean that it's good or right for you, sadly. I used to see hindsight as a curse, now I see it as a blessing.

I'm guessing that perhaps you have tried everything you can to make it work - I know I did, and I now realise that I didn't do it for my wife, or my marriage. I did it for me, so at the end, when I finally gave up, I could hold my head high and say "I did my best".

Want to know a secret?

If your best isn't good enough for someone, then they aren't good enough for you. You deserve so much better. Don't settle for less than you deserve, and don't forget it.

Stay strong, things do get easier.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> When I saw this I mean truly saw it I was STUNNED that I could be that weak.


I know this feeling well.

You don't truly know how strong you are until you have no other option but to be.


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