# H wants children and I'm not so sure anymore...



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I met my H when we were both in high school. We started and dating and became serious. We recently got married at the end of 2011 after 3 years of dating. We both a very young newly weds as I'm 20 and he is 22. 

We have had a few issues since we have been married and I must admit we do have arguements every now and then but we have a happy marriage. We are both young but we want to be together and we treat marriage as no different to our lives as bf/gf before. But recently we got onto the topic of having children. We had spoken about this before getting married and my H wanted five children as he comes from a family of 7. I only have two sisters and so I have never really wanted that many children, ideally my max number would be three. 

However we never really confirmed how many children we wanted and when we would have them. So last night we got onto the topic and I said that I didn't really want to many children and wanted to have them in my late twenties, around the age of 27. But my H was upset by this and said he didn't want to be 'old' when we had children and he wanted atleast 4 children.

I have never been that type of woman who wants to be a mother and stay at home with the children. I think it's lovely but I have always wanted a career and to enjoy myself and live my young years having fun.

I don't want the burdern of a baby and don't feel ready to be a mother and have those responsibilities at the age of 24. I think I have always had a negative view of motherhood as my own mother never enjoyed being a mother. She always would say that if she didn't have children her life would have been different. But ofcourse she loves her children and is now happy.

But I just want to enjoy myself and explore the world before having children and not having the freedom to do that. My H however loves the idea of having children and having a big family. He wants to travel too, but I can't see that happening before I am 24 as we both have just finished university and are looking for jobs. 

When I said I wasn't sure, my H was upset and said that maybe we aren't meant to be together. I cried so much last night as I thought if it came to a choice my H would choose a life with just me rather than a life with another women who he could have children with.

I don't know if I am being selfish but I love him so much and it makes me so sad to think he could just leave our marriage so he can have children with someone else. How could he love another woman and have children with her? If he could than he obviously didn't mean his wedding vows.

I don't know what to say last night we went to bed and I cried myself to sleep thiking about it. Are we not meant to be together? Why can't he choose me over having children? I know I would if it were the other way round. I love him and don't want him to go, I know I sound selfish but I can't help feeling this way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. This is a serious situation...one that should have been dealt with BEFORE marriage.

He wants a big family...you know and knew this. Now you are saying you aren't sure you want kids.

Having children is a life long dream for some people. He wants kids. It's not about choosing YOU over children...He got married so he and you could have children and now you say you don't want them.

If i was him, I'd divorce you and find a woman who was on the same page as myself regarding children.

I think you put him in a bad situation. THAT was selfish. He did mean his wedding vows. YOU kinda lied to him though...making him think you wanted kids and then pulling this mess.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Wow. This is a serious situation...one that should have been dealt with BEFORE marriage.
> 
> He wants a big family...you know and knew this. Now you are saying you aren't sure you want kids.
> 
> ...


To be fair she did say they discussed this before marriage and he was as aware of her wishes as she was of his.

It seems they never settled the problem before taking vows.

Personally as a male at the age of 44 with three kids I`m in agreement with the OP over her husband.

One kid is more than enough and do it in your late 20`s early 30`s.
She`s willing to have a couple and that sounds like a good compromise.

You should live life BEFORE children so you get the chance to live it, after them there is no chance until they grow up


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then they will fight about this until it's resolved. 

I agree at 20 and 22 they should wait to have kids. But if he was gungho on a large family...well...

OP, did you two just not really discuss the issue? Did you talk about it in passing and then just hope it all works out?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Both of you are much too young to be married. 

Most married people want to have children. If you were not ready for that, it would have made more sense to wait to get married until you were older and lived some life.

My fear is that you may have children to please your husband and then end up resenting both he and your kids, which would not be a good situation.

My mother knows that she is the reason I am childfree. She hated being a parent and she let me know that her four children held her back. Now Mom regrets her words and her attitude, because she would have wanted grandchildren from her only daughter.

It is very easy for a man to say he wants five children. Men do not have to go through the emotional and physical upheaval of pregnancy and birth.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

When you discussed this prior to marriage, what did you tell your husband? Did both of you discuss the timeline for having them? Have either of you changed your position since that discussion?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Boy it is a shame you didn't talk about this thoroughly before you married..... when someone wants a BIG family, they want a BIG Family. I wanted that too, but my reasons were very different from your husbands......as I never experienced that but was very envious of those who had it growing up....I HATED being an only child & what else could I do but create my own Large family, I would have only marreid a man who wanted the same --it was a HUGE deal breaker for me. 

It is JUST something INSIDE OF US, I doubt it is going to go away. There would have been no force that came against me in changing these desires I carried in my heart. It is a difference in _*Lifestyles *_- even.

*It sounds as though he dropped his number of wanting 5 kids (stating this before marriage) down to 4, and you agreed before marraige your max was 3.... that is getting pretty close.... Any way to come to some compromise on these things -that you both could be happy with?? Maybe if you start a little earlier on YOUR PART, than he will agree to 3 , instead of 4*. 

I don't know, I am just giving you the perspective of a spouse who wants a large family, it is ALOT to give up if this is how you envision your future, what you feel you was destined for... not that many men have a burning desire to even be a dad these days, so the ones who do, God Bless them!! I say thumbs up to him, more women are looking for a man like that!


Personally, I would have divorced over this- let's say, if the man changed his mind after the wedding. I was very careful to make sure we were exactly on the same page, I even went as far as to say I wanted a daughter (I didn't have any sisters, I didn't have any neices, my mother left me and I wanted that mother -Daughter thing) and until I got one, we would keep trying ....we had an agreement -he told me he didn't care how many we had so long as I took care of them all ...I never expected him to get up in the middle of the night , I was damn careful with $$ & I never complained. We both kept our end of the bargain. 

And as I learned in my 20's, babies don't always come when we "plan"....we had over 6 long years of infertility after our 1st , then had 5 in our 30's -so you can never count on anything-Life can deal us another hand. (I am very thankful I did not use birth control during those yrs - I would have never known we had an issue). 

Starting in your late 20's sounds pretty reasonable though, but women who want to wait till late 30's/early 40's I feel , for some, it could be a grave mistake, sometimes health problems creep in unexpectedly -or they find they can not conceive (happened to one of my best friends, she had to give up her dream of a child, she regrets waiting) ....or having to spend a small fortune to aid conception.

I hope you can reach a compromise, I think you both have a RIGHT to feel as strongly as you do, but that is why it is so vital to be matched with someone who feels the same, it just makes marriage flow so much easier. And if one knows that a compromise is going to cause resentment, this is no good either, so please be very very careful to talk this out thoroughly. 

Children should not be brought into this world unless they are deeply wanted.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for all your replies.

Me and my H did have a short discussion prior to marriage about having children. At first he was dead set on having five but when I explained to him that I felt five would be too many, he tried to settle it a four. I said to him that I would ideally want three children but he tried to bargain for having atleast four. I said I was willing to have a max number of four but really would like to have three and then he was happy so we didn't speak about it.

After getting married when the conversation about children came up he tried to push the idea of having four children. He said he doesn't want to be 'old' when he has children. His older brothers and sisters have children but all of them had their first child around the ages of 27-30. So I don't see why he thinks he is too old as they all are happy with having children at that age.

I feel upset because I did tell my H before getting married that I didn't want children in my early 20s and wanted to wait till my late 20s and he didn't comment on that. But now after getting married he is getting upset by this and I don't want to be pressured into having children.

The fact that he said maybe we are not meant to be together really hurt me. I am willing to have children and said I would have a max of four but he seems to want it all his way. He wants atleast four children and wants to have our first child in 4years so when I'm 24 and he is 26. I just can't see how waiting till I am atleast 26 is a big difference to what he wants. I want him to be happy but thought he was happy with me.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Juicy said:


> Thank you for all your replies.
> 
> Me and my H did have a short discussion prior to marriage about having children. At first he was dead set on having five but when I explained to him that I felt five would be too many, he tried to settle it a four. I said to him that I would ideally want three children but he tried to bargain for having atleast four. I said I was willing to have a max number of four but really would like to have three and then he was happy so we didn't speak about it.
> 
> ...


I don't quite see it as having it all his way. He wants five kids starting in his early 20s, while you want three kids starting in your late 20s. You started to compromise by agreeing on four kids, but both seem to be trying to rewrite that up or down. You are both trying to get your own way. I think you both messed up by saying what you thought the other wanted to hear (probably to avoid a fight), and are now back-peddling to get your own way.

You need to sit down and find an agreement that you both will abide by. Can you both agree on four kids (more than you want but less than he wants)? Can you agree to have them earlier than you prefer, but later that he wants? What if you had kids later, but had more of them? While neither one of you is wrong in wanting what you want, you are both wrong in not really being honest with each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like this is a big test of your relationship. You will both have to compromise some. 

Since you both only just finished at the university, it makes a lot of sense to get established financially before having children. Does he understand this?

Will he alone be making enough money to support 4-5 children so that they can all go to college they that is what they want?

You are the one who has to carry the babies. You can both decide how many babies you have. But biology can get in the way. I wanted a big family. I lost 3 children. I now have 3 children.. one adopted and two step children. 

Have you discusse with him that there are things that could prevent you from have 4 children? How would he react to this? Would he feel cheated and then want to leave you for another woman to have the rest of the children? 

IMHO it's a bad idea to get too attached to a specific number of children. You may never be able to carry that many children to term.. or you could end up with 4 sets of twins... yea unlikely :lol: just trying to make a point here

I would find an agreement that you will go pregnancy by pregnancy on how many you are willing to have is a much more sane way to go.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Juicy said:


> I feel upset because I did tell my H before getting married that I didn't want children in my early 20s and wanted to wait till my late 20s and he didn't comment on that. But now after getting married he is getting upset by this and I don't want to be pressured into having children.


My H really wants kids right now, too. I'm 30 but I'm not ready. He got really upset when I said I wasnt ready. I told him a year ago that I was ready for kids and we were trying but then last month things changed drastically for us. I'm not ready anymore. It was a very abrupt change, one my H doesnt really understand. He thinks I should be ready. It's a really serious issue and I empathize with him. I can empathize with him without feeling responsible for how he feels and without compromising my own boundaries so I dont get angry with him. 

I know a lot of people are telling you that you should have had a firm agreement prior to getting married but I disagree. Life is going to change year-to-year and your needs are going to change along with it. Your H thinks he wants five kids. That's cute. But we'll see after he has one how he feels about it. This is probably the first really big issue you two have had to deal with and it's bringing out your communication issues. 

How you communicate and express your fears is what you're going to learn about right now. You're really hurt that he's going to reject you over this, and so abruptly, and I dont blame you. It's not like you're telling him you never want kids, you just want to wait. For him to say that he's going to go out, find some other girl, get married and have kids all before he's older is really ridiculous and hurtful. But keep in mind he's saying that out of anger and hurt. This was his dream. You underestimated how important it is to him and he's also really hurt. It's important to focus on what you're really arguing about- his rejection and how much that hurts you. That is what you have to communicate right now. I guarantee he is also not arguing about children. He probably has some insecurity that he is also expressing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I don't quite see it as having it all his way. He wants five kids starting in his early 20s, while you want three kids starting in your late 20s. You started to compromise by agreeing on four kids, but both seem to be trying to rewrite that up or down. You are both trying to get your own way. I think you both messed up by saying what you thought the other wanted to hear (probably to avoid a fight), and are now back-peddling to get your own way.
> 
> You need to sit down and find an agreement that you both will abide by. Can you both agree on four kids (more than you want but less than he wants)? Can you agree to have them earlier than you prefer, but later that he wants? What if you had kids later, but had more of them? While neither one of you is wrong in wanting what you want, you are both wrong in not really being honest with each other.


:iagree::iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No. Most people know if they want a big family or not, BEFORE getting married.

If you aren't a fan of children, and your husband wants a baseball team, it's probably not a good match.

Children/religion/money/politics/housework division should all be completely discusses before marriage.

Or else you end up in this mess. Yes things can change, but ...for the most part, if you know yourself, they won't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I wanted to have all of my kids in my 20's too- I thought like your husband .... I didn't like the idea of having them older either, feeling like a grandma when I go to Parent -Teacher conferences, or I worried about the extra risks as I age, I don't like risks.......but as with others, sometimes our plans just don't go as we want them too.....

.....now looking back on all of this....I see that as a huge blessing, I was able to work ALOT more when I only had 1 kid, We saved & worked our butts off on our house in hopes of selling it , we made a nice profit & had JUST enough to buy our dream house when I got pregnant with #2. It all worked out like it was meant too. Had we had all those kids in our 20's , we might not be where we are today, it is good to be somewhat settled financially. 

And having them older ....sometimes that makes you feel younger somehow, your husband might be surprised. 

I agree with That_ Girl's words very much ....when she says ...IF YOU KNOW YOURSELF at a young age. I did, I never changed my wants for a second. My husband remained steadfast also , never wavering. We weren't the carefree partying type though, we were more on the serious side , goal minded, always planning & working to make it all happen.



> Will he alone be making enough money to support 4-5 children so that they can all go to college they that is what they want?


 Why does everyone say this? What is wrong with kids paying thier own way. My oldest will be paying his own debt, he goes to a State College, he got a couple scholarships, a couple grants, we pay about $2,000 a year & some of his expenses, he works, he gets the rest in HIS NAME -loans upon his graduating, I see nothing wrong with this at all.

I even feel the kids who are footing thier own debt many times take College alot more seriously that those who get a free ride from Dad & Mom.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, we don't worry about college. Sad to say, but college isn't the "best thing" these days. Most kids in college don't have a job when they graduate, but they have a CRAP LOAD of debt (like myself..but my degree was to teach and that's what I do). 

I took out loans and never bothered my mother for money.


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