# Have I really ruined him and brought this on myself?



## loveisblind? (Aug 6, 2013)

I really need advice and don't know where to turn right now... Any help would be so appreciated. When we were married, my husband was coming off his second deployment in Iraq, and finishing 5 years in the Army. I was barely 19, still living at home, and we were very much in love... We simply knew that God had arranged every moment of our relationship. Here we are just 4 years later, with 2 children and so many marriage problems I don't know where to begin. I know that I am to blame for many of our problems, as I've struggled with depression and struggled with communicating as well as he's needed me to, but he has such a horrible, explosive anger... It's gotten progressively worse for the past 2 years, and he is very verbally abusive to me, and doesn't hold back in front of our kids (they are almost 3 and 1). He will admit to having PTSD and will tell me that he knows he is an ass to me, and doesn't treat me right... I always was so confident that he would never hit me, but the past couple of weeks that has changed... What used to be soul-crushing words and rants and accusations, now are paired with grabbing, pushing, poking and now a slap. He says that I have pushed him to this point and changed him. That I drag him down and am ungrateful and never change. When I defend myself and try to show him how I am supportive of all of his aspirations, never complain about our finances, and try to take responsibility for my mistakes, then I am being "a prideful stuck up *****". What do I do? I don't want to leave him. I still see so much potential in our relationship, but is that just me being blind? When things are good, we have so much fun together and still have serious chemistry in the bedroom, but when things get tense he takes them from something as simple as a comment, to 3 hours of yelling, ranting and leaves me completely devastated yet no matter what he says or does, I always feel like the one at fault. I want to have patience with his PTSD... I know that he will always react strongly to things that are simple to me and I try to avoid things that will trigger his stress, but I need help. I never imagined we would be at this point. Thank you for any advice you can provide...


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Ask him to get treatment for his PTSD and as his spouse you need to understand it more as well as it's symptoms and triggers.

Under no circumstances should he be physically harming you. No excuses, not even PTSD.

Also guard against getting your own PTSD from dealing with him and his issues.

What are you doing about your issues?

If you love him, give him another chance, but put down firm boundaries. Sounds like he cares but he's just having difficulty dealing with his stress and emotions. You're both so young. And Military men are proud. So military wives need to be tough. Because nobody stands in the rain without getting wet.


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## loveisblind? (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you. I don't feel like I have anyone that I can talk to about this, as I don't think that anyone I know understands his PTSD like I do. And he is very private about things so I don't want to alienate him from our friends or family by talking about what is really going on behind closed doors. His mom probably knows the most, as she overheard him screaming and cussing at me over the phone for something petty, and she believes that I need to separate from him for a time... but I know that we would never bounce back from something so public. . .

I have been trying to work on my issues. I really hurt him our first year, as I wasn't as communicative as he expected me to be, and he felt like I was shutting him out. I wasn't doing anything intentionally to hurt him or push him away but he was devastated by the way I verbally locked up at times... I didn't know how to overcome it, so it took me a solid year to change that completely, and I have taken complete responsibility for the way I hurt him... I have begged for his forgiveness, and he always says that he forgives me, but I know he hasn't recovered. He still brings it up when our arguments aren't turning in his favor. I don't know how to help him move forward... 

My depression was brought on with a mixture of post partum depression and finding out that he could be going to jail for a few years because of some stupid choice he made, which sent me reeling for a long time... I stood by him through the whole ordeal and even my closest friend doesn't know we went through it because he asked that only our parents and 2 of his military friends be told. It's been over 2 years, a house, and another baby since then and I'm finally getting my act together with keeping up on the housekeeping better, and having a meal in the works when he gets home (I'm blessed to stay at home with the kids). He says he sees me trying if I ask him, but then when he's mad it is back to saying that I don't care or ever try or listen, and that I never change.

I don't feel like I have the strength to draw any lines because I am scared to tear this family apart and what if he is right that I'm the problem?


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

On one of his calm, happy days…could you suggest therapy? Would he be willing to go for the PTSD or MC? Getting therapy for you both is necessary but I am concerned that his abuse has become physical. Love him or not, you must keep yourself safe. Seek counseling, even if only for yourself, immediately.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

If he's diagnosed for PTSD or thinks he has it, most likely does from the sound of it, then he needs treatment. This won't go away by turning a blind eye to it. It'll only progress without treatment.

If he's still active, he needs to do a walk-in with the post MEDDAC Behavioral Health clinic. 

If he's out of service he should get to the VA, and yes they do tend to suck on average. 

If he's out and has decent insurance form his employer, he could seek counseling through private sector and then work with the VA claims process after treatment has started. This will be important later for you both. To continue services should jobs change, etc.

PS - If he's still active you may be able to get one of his NCOs or friend's, if you know any of them well enough to ask/discuss, to get him to go. There is a stigma and that's unfortunate.


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## loveisblind? (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you all for your responses. I think that writing this out helped me some as well. He came home the other day and basically explained that if I wanted out he understood because he had crossed all of the lines I'd drawn before and knew he had hurt me. I don't want to give up on him yet. I do believe that God can make something beautiful out of this. I just don't want to be irresponsible about the atmosphere our children are being raised in if that makes sense. It is refreshing though to hear that there is hope. He isn't a bad man, just really needing help that I can't give him. He agreed to give counseling another shot, and I feel empowered to make some of these requests for the first time in a long time. I don't know that he will agree to medication as he isn't officially diagnosed with PTSD and he doesn't want to be if he can help it. But I'm hopeful about counseling. He seems to be making an effort to make up for his physical outbursts this past month and he is going out of his way to be affectionate and loving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He definitely needs counseling. His behavior will affect your children. They will grow up to repeat it in one way or another. You don't want that. All of you deserve a better life.


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