# I want to feel carefree again



## gabejoel

my hubby has been so overly fasinated with with the past 4yrs it makes me ill sometimes, but i want to get back to feeling more secure with doing other sexual activities we used to enjoy together.My question is ...is how do you get there??? I would like to even be able to enjoy sothing as simple as watching a porn together again, but how do you feel comfortable again...when you S.O. had a big issue with it.He has stopped looking at it about 3 months ago....but says he still thinks about it... i mean how the hell do you move on ...when you constantly have that feeling of being uncomfortable. Any advice??


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## dobo

Well, you don't put your husband back in front of porn again, that's for sure. 

Sex is a huge subject. Does everything sexual remind you of porn?


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## gabejoel

No not everything sexual reminds me of porn, but to me it just sucks because i used to enjoy it myself as well... and it kinda makes you feel angry at them for taking away stuff from the relationship instead of adding to it. To me a simple addtion to have fun fun with every once in a while would be to get a dirty movie a little wine ...talk ...open up and just have fun...thats all i would like to do is to just not think of all the other crap he has done and to move on and start to have fun without hesitation.


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## Recovered

gabejoel said:


> thats all i would like to do is to just not think of all the other crap he has done and to move on and start to have fun without hesitation.


From my experience....until you can get past your own feelings about all that has happened, forgive, and truly move on without anger....nothing that he can do externally will change anything. Feeling carefree again is something that has to come from the inside before it can be validated from outside.


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## gabejoel

Recovered- Thank you for the great advice... i know i have to get past my own head too in order to feel open to all that comes our way.It is hard to do though and sometimes he does things that spark those feelings again...and he always tells me that he is not doing things intentionally and we move forward together, but i just feel like i want to smack him upside his head and say thanks for putting a huge wall infront of the normal things that married couples can enjoy.It makes me upset to think that there are things that he missed out on too because of the pattern of behavior that he finds so normal.I am just searching for some answers to move past and to continue on.Thanks.


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## dobo

If he were an alcoholic, would you be lamenting booze, too? 

This is the "for worse" part and in all honestly, it isn't all that much to give up for someone we love, is it?


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## Recovered

gabejoel said:


> Recovered- Thank you for the great advice... i know i have to get past my own head too in order to feel open to all that comes our way.It is hard to do though and sometimes he does things that spark those feelings again...and he always tells me that he is not doing things intentionally and we move forward together, but i just feel like i want to smack him upside his head and say thanks for putting a huge wall infront of the normal things that married couples can enjoy.It makes me upset to think that there are things that he missed out on too because of the pattern of behavior that he finds so normal.I am just searching for some answers to move past and to continue on.Thanks.


To piggyback a bit off of what dobo said.....this helps me a lot to remember....taken directly from a popular 12 step program.

"And acceptance is the answer to *all* my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..."


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## gabejoel

You are both right and i am trying to learn some acceptance to quiet my own mind. All i want to do is go forward, but it is difficult to do sometimes...especially when everything has a "Natural" label attatched to it! I mean are all men truely like this..even when all their needs are being met???? Do you guys still think about being with others or the chase ??? I mean is that really normal??? I guess i was under the impression it was normal for single men, unhappy men or cheaters! It makes it hard to understand your S.O. doing crap like this when your very into to them, and are willing to please no matter how freaky...he never goes without anything.He says he is extremely happy and satisfied... but all that makes it even more complicated to me because it seems like alot of couples on here have reason's for things that they do.Not that it makes it ok but then you kind of have something to go on...that is why i am so confused .


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## Recovered

Though my own situations have been very different....in my own marriage.....with a loving, caring wife who was willing to do whatever it took to keep things together and build happiness....things still went south.

It had nothing to do with her or her trying. It had everything to do with the fact that I was spiritually dead and entirely involved in only my self will. I had to learn eventually that a life led by self will is always a dead end, and anything that comes into my life will never be enough. 

By finding a spiritual basis for living, doing a complete moral inventory of myself, and going back out into the world and attempting to repair any damage that I've caused (which I'll never be able to finish)....I've found it possible to love others again, and to be loved fully and have that be enough.

Me? Full blown alcoholic...have been all my life. Nothing my wife ever did to help would have helped until I sought help and addressed the root cause of my problems. The disease of alcoholism is/was my problem - not my wife.

It sounds as though you're much like my own spouse. If you're truly into him, love him, and willing to do whatever it takes for him....maybe you have to step back and look at it objectively. Maybe it's not you that's the problem. No doubt it hurts you....but you're not the problem. In the same way....my alcoholism hurt everyone around me....but none of them was actually the problem.


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## gabejoel

That is what he has told me a million times as well...that it is not me and it is totally different.Well, the problem is ..is that it is too different.When you can oogle other women to the point that i cant even feel comfortable with just going to the grocery store..that is or cannot be "normal" and to be able to talk so easily about how hot everyone is ...and i have maybe heard a handful of times is too different for me! To me there is a normal and then there is an overtop too! Thank you both for advice if you have anymore i would gratefully appreciate it thanks.


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