# Confused and Lost over Recent Break-Up. Don't Know My Next Move. Need Advice/Guidance



## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Hello All!

So we're both in our 30's and have been together on and off for 2 1/2 years. We both have made mistakes in this relationship which is what led to many breakups and getting back together. Communication has probably been the biggest problem in our relationship, with trust being the second.

When we met, she was very much still in her party phase, while I was looking for a serious relationship. Needless to say we butted heads many times about this. She was more of a free spirited type, while I was the responsible/homebody type. This is probably what led to so many issues.

I would say for the first 8 months of the relationship, I was being needy, trying to lock her down, and insecure about how many guys she would throw in my face, and her wild party stories. I would get very jealous about this, and in turn she would go cold on me for days at a time. However I found out that she was talking to other men, sometimes explicitly when I couldn't take any more and went through her phone. I know, I shouldn't have done that but I needed answers to her erratic behavior. To make a long story short. I found out she had an alcohol and prescription issue. Which in turn led to even more lies and deceit. 

Fast forward 2 years, after multiple breakups, we just can't seem to let each other go. The sex is out of this world, and I find her to be the funniest, sexiest, and easy going person I've ever met. When things are good, they are GOOOOOD. When they are bad, it's absolutely exhausting. I love this person so much, I just don't know what to do after this last break up. 

I questioned her about being faithful again after a trip she took with her girlfriends, and she said that she can't do this anymore. I begged and pleaded that I would trust her from here on out, but she wasn't having any of it. 

After this last break up I reached out 2 weeks later, no response. It has since been another 3 weeks of no contact. I really don't know what to do. I miss her so much, I feel terrible about bringing up past events and losing my cool about this trust issue, but her actions are just so questionable and I feel like she could just never commit. Always going back on her words of moving in, saying that she can't trust me that I won't bring up past events.

I don't know if I should stay in no contact, or try to reach out to her again and see where she's at with all this.

Any advice is much appreciated.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

The two of you are not compatible and never were. The problems we have in relationships are often the result of ignoring the facts about each other. You wanted to be with her so badly that you ignored that she is the total opposite of you and continued to ignored that by trying to force her to comply with your idea of the perfect mate. As a result, she got tired of your behaviors, while you continued to try to make her change so that you could feel secure in the relationship.

I think you should finally do now what you should have done in the beginning. Accept you are not compatible, accept that she is gone, and move on with your life. To help you get through the breakup and finalize in your head that it's over, you have to stop the pity party. Instead of repeating over and over "I love this person so much" repeat all the things she has done to you and all the ways she has disrespected you and dishonored the relationship. Instead of all the things you think and say that make you love and miss her more and more, talk yourself into having self respect and not be willing to accept the disrespect she has shown you. Talk yourself into loving yourself more than you love her. Everytime you feel sorry for yourself, replace that thought with the reality of your situation. Remind yourself of all the things she did to you that you REALLY should not have tolerated.

Don't call her anymore. Find things to occupy your time and your mind to help you stop dwelling on your sorrow.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Maybe she is still in her party phase.
Really it sounds like both of you have 
trust issues and many more. If she
has not responded leave her alone.
You should try and find someone
you are more compatible with.
I think she is gone anyways.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Sorry you're going through this. That's a tough mental state to be in. You're gonna have to let this girl go. Even if you somehow convinced her to come back, her respect and admiration for you are gone. You don't want to be in that kind of relationship. In the future when relationship issues come up, I would ask myself, "What do I think is the best way to handle this?" Then do the exact opposite. You'll be much happier with the results.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

This is simple, but not what you are going to want to hear. Aside from being fundamentally incompatible with you she's lost interest in being with you at all. Your best option is just ignore her from now on. If she changes her mind and wants to get back with you she should be the one to call you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd move on and find someone better suited for you.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

StarFires said:


> The two of you are not compatible and never were. The problems we have in relationships are often the result of ignoring the facts about each other. You wanted to be with her so badly that you ignored that she is the total opposite of you and continued to ignored that by trying to force her to comply with your idea of the perfect mate. As a result, she got tired of your behaviors, while you continued to try to make her change so that you could feel secure in the relationship.
> 
> I think you should finally do now what you should have done in the beginning. Accept you are not compatible, accept that she is gone, and move on with your life. To help you get through the breakup and finalize in your head that it's over, you have to stop the pity party. Instead of repeating over and over "I love this person so much" repeat all the things she has done to you and all the ways she has disrespected you and dishonored the relationship. Instead of all the things you think and say that make you love and miss her more and more, talk yourself into having self respect and not be willing to accept the disrespect she has shown you. Talk yourself into loving yourself more than you love her. Everytime you feel sorry for yourself, replace that thought with the reality of your situation. Remind yourself of all the things she did to you that you REALLY should not have tolerated.
> 
> Don't call her anymore. Find things to occupy your time and your mind to help you stop dwelling on your sorrow.


I have found out over the years with her that she does with every guy she dates. It's almost like she manipulates them into thinking they are the only one, while in the meantime she talks to other men leading them on to stroke her ego. This happened with us a few times, and she claims that "nothing happened", but my gut tells me different. She has lied to me about guys she slept with in the beginning, and her sexual history. None of which I might add, was me prying into her life, she would just tell me things, and as they would come up later, be a totally different story, which is why I couldn't trust her. 

But, I also feel that, maybe if I was more secure with myself, I wouldn't let this bother me. That's why I'm so conflicted here.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, aside from the fact that you and this woman are profoundly incompatible, it also sounds like your own insecurities are a huge problem. Good relationships shouldn't have this much drama. Being extremely insecure is going to drive even a good woman away. And you should never be so desperate to have or keep a partner that you're willing to sacrifice your own self-respect to do it. That you missed all of the huge red-flags in your recent relationship tells me that you lack a healthy level of self-respect and that you're poor at setting and maintaining boundaries. 

Work with a therapist on building healthy self-esteem. You need to be emotionally healthy yourself in order to attract and keep an emotionally healthy partner. As a bonus, if you're emotionally healthy, you will be able to recognize when someone is incompatible with you early on and end the relationship. You'll have the confidence to know what your boundaries are, and be comfortable with enforcing them. No one should be living with the level of crazy you have been, but it's going to be up to you to do what it takes to make sure this isn't a repeating pattern for you from now on. Fix your self and fix your picker!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

If she's in her thirties she better enjoy this because she's going to age out of getting the degree of male attention she is used to. Anyway, this is not your problem anymore because she's no longer with you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

confused0000 said:


> But, I also feel that, maybe if I was more secure with myself, I wouldn't let this bother me. That's why I'm so conflicted here.



No, OP. If you were secure with yourself, you wouldn't have put up with her behavior from the first time you found out about it. 

Being secure does not mean tolerating disrespect and poor treatment. Being secure means you realize when you're being disrespected and mistreated and take action to correct that situation by ending the relationship.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Rowan said:


> No, OP. If you were secure with yourself, you wouldn't have put up with her behavior from the first time you found out about it.
> 
> Being secure does not mean tolerating disrespect and poor treatment. Being secure means you realize when you're being disrespected and mistreated and take action to correct that situation by ending the relationship.


This is so true. She has even said this to me, "you should've left me long ago if you didn't like how I was treating you, instead of taking it out on me". While there is truth to this, I also feel it's a form of misdirection and manipulation. Why couldn't she respect my wishes and how I wanted to be treated?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

confused0000 said:


> This is so true. She has even said this to me, "you should've left me long ago if you didn't like how I was treating you, instead of taking it out on me". While there is truth to this, I also feel it's a form of misdirection and manipulation. *Why couldn't she respect my wishes and how I wanted to be treated*?


That's not her job. Her job is to be true to herself and your job is to be true to yourself. If you two are a match, then great. But if not, then you cut ties and move on. Remember, no one will treat you in a way that you don't allow.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> That's not her job. Her job is to be true to herself and your job is to be true to yourself. If you two are a match, then great. But if not, then you cut ties and move on. Remember, no one will treat you in a way that you don't allow.


So her job is to lie and deceive? Drink and party? Keep male orbitors around at all times to feed her low self-esteem and ego? Not being able to commit? 

I just want to know why.

Why did she lie to me about all the men she slept with? 
Why did she make up stories about it? 
Why is she so shady all the time?
Why does she tell me stories of grandeur that who knows if it's real or not?
Why does she drink/pill so much?
Why does she need to go on all these "girls" trips with known women who cheat on their husbands?
Why couldn't she commit? 
Why does she think that high status is the only thing matters? 
Why does she tell me she wants marriage and family, but then makes vacation plans to idk, ***** around?


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

People have many different sides to their identity. Why does she party, go out with the girls, hook up with guys? Because those things are fun to her. Why does she talk about marriage also? Because part of her wants that too. Couldn't she say why does he say he's a mature man that wants a mature relationship yet act like a needy child at times? Because both things are true of you


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

confused0000 said:


> *So her job is to lie and deceive*? Drink and party? Keep male orbitors around at all times to feed her low self-esteem and ego? Not being able to commit?
> 
> I just want to know why.
> 
> ...


Her job is the be the person she's happy with being. Her job is not to please you or conform to being the person you want her to be. Your job is to look at the person that she is and decide if you are happy with her or not. It is not your job to expect her to change. You can wonder about all these questions if you want but you are just torturing yourself because they are irrelevant if you understood that you don't have the right to change her or expect her to be someone she's not. The real direction to handle these questions is for you to get some counseling and figure out how to detach from her. Based on your questions appears like that you have an unhealthy co-dependency.

I'd like to point out that in a great relationship two people will bring out the best qualities in each other. This isn't happening with you two because you aren't right for each other. However, the emotional drama can be addicting to certain people and add an element of excitement to the relationship.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Townes said:


> People have many different sides to their identity. Why does she party, go out with the girls, hook up with guys? Because those things are fun to her. Why does she talk about marriage also? Because part of her wants that too. Couldn't she say why does he say he's a mature man that wants a mature relationship yet act like a needy child at times? Because both things are true of you


This is the whole problem. 

She led me to believe that she was some innocent good girl who has only been with a few guys, (not that I care how many guys she's been with, it's the fact she lied numerous times about it.)She duped me into believing something she was not. By that time I was so sucked into her, i couldn't let her go, or cope with the lies. That's why I kept bringing things up and getting a different story every time.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Do you understand that you were negotiating from a position of weakness...and that never works out? Basically you wanted her to change but weren't willing to walk away, so you had no negotiating power and thus she wouldn't change. You also don't seem to understand how emotional thinkers (your ex-gf) are different from logical thinkers (you). For an emotional thinker, what they feel AT THE TIME is how they view the world and what shapes their reality. And as their emotions change their feeling change with it. That is why she can display different personality traits to different people, or swap what she is feeling/doing so quickly. This isn't a character flaw per se, it's just how her brain interacts with the world. If you understand that then her discordant behavior becomes easier to follow.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

confused0000 said:


> This is the whole problem.
> 
> She led me to believe that she was some innocent good girl who has only been with a few guys, (not that I care how many guys she's been with, it's the fact she lied numerous times about it.)She duped me into believing something she was not. By that time I was so sucked into her, i couldn't let her go, or cope with the lies. That's why I kept bringing things up and getting a different story every time.[/QUOT
> 
> I understand. It's very difficult trying to reconcile these different personalities and figuring out what was real and what were lies the whole time. I doubt you'll ever get satisfying answers to it unfortunately. Sorry.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She's not marriage material and as others said, you're very incompatible.

You basically admitted in your post that sex was the only thing holding you together.

Yo-yo relationships (on/off) do not work long term. I've seen a whopping zero examples of it working out long term when people periodically break up and come back together. They can never reconcile, get over, or accept their differences.

She likes the attention. Sadly, a man like you with no firm boundaries will always be happy to give her attention when she asks. And those guys will probably never entertain a long term relationship with her, because they know she's not the stuff of it. 

Meanwhile, tons of other, higher quality women with solid boundaries, interested in a long term relationship, are out there. Stop pining for what's clearly bad for you and go seek what you actually need.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> Do you understand that you were negotiating from a position of weakness...and that never works out? Basically you wanted her to change but weren't willing to walk away, so you had no negotiating power and thus she wouldn't change. You also don't seem to understand how emotional thinkers (your ex-gf) are different from logical thinkers (you). For an emotional thinker, what they feel AT THE TIME is how they view the world and what shapes their reality. And as their emotions change their feeling change with it. That is why she can display different personality traits to different people, or swap what she is feeling/doing so quickly. This isn't a character flaw per se, it's just how her brain interacts with the world. If you understand that then her discordant behavior becomes easier to follow.


I have left a few times and she comes back to me, she has left me and I come back to her.

I like your thoughts on emotional vs logical thinking. I have done some research on that myself.

I really want this to work out. Like I said. It has been over 3 weeks of no contact on either side. I just would like an action plan on what to do next. I have been dating, I know my mindset probably isn't in the best shape for that right now, but none of these other women are doing anything for me.

Should I just give it more time? Let her reach out to me and work on myself? Or should I give it maybe a couple more weeks and try reaching out again?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Your only action plan should be to walk away and never look back. 

The only exception would be if she were to contact you and then demonstrate that she changed and was the type of person you wanted to be with, then you could consider getting back together with her. But, at this point you need to assume the relationship is over permanently and it makes no difference that you really want to be with her. 

If you contact her and try to get her back you are again negotiating from a point of weakness and you'll just keep repeating your same cycle. If you don't contact her and she comes back to you then you get to negotiate from a point of strength. But it is only a position of strength if you keep to your boundaries, which is very unlikely to happen with people that have unhealthy codependency's. 

As far as working on yourself, that's a definite yes and should be a goal regardless of whether you are single or in a relationship with her or someone else. 

Your insistence on maintaining an unhealthy relationship at all costs with a person that is not a good match for you just is not normal. Figure out how to fix this and you'll be a lot happier in the future.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> Your only action plan should be to walk away and never look back.
> 
> The only exception would be if she were to contact you and then demonstrate that she changed and was the type of person you wanted to be with, then you could consider getting back together with her. But, at this point you need to assume the relationship is over permanently and it makes no difference that you really want to be with her.
> 
> ...


What if I take some time to work on myself and I want to show her that I’ve changed and won’t be so needy and insecure sometimes when we don’t see Eye to eye on things. How do I show this or prove that to her when she’s not responding to my text or reaching out


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@confused0000 There's easygoing and there's... well, what she is.

She isn't right for you, brother. 

Her field is choked with wild oats. There's no harvestable crop. Sorry.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

confused0000 said:


> What if I take some time to work on myself and I want to show her that I’ve changed and won’t be so needy and insecure sometimes when we don’t see Eye to eye on things. How do I show this or prove that to her when she’s not responding to my text or reaching out


That's approval seeking behavior and negotiating from a point of weakness. Cut that crap out! You can't make someone like you and begging her like you are doing will stop her from respecting you also, which will make you even less attractive to her. The only thing you can do is walk away. That means NO CONTACT OF ANY SORT!!! You're acting pathetic and like she's more valuable than you are, so why would she want to do date down and go out with you?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

confused0000 said:


> What if I take some time to work on myself and I want to show her that I’ve changed and won’t be so needy and insecure sometimes when we don’t see Eye to eye on things. How do I show this or prove that to her when she’s not responding to my text or reaching out


I'll weigh in on this as a woman. She's gone. The door is closed. She doesn't want you back. Changing to get someone to accept you isn't changing at all. You are coming from a position of neediness and weakness. I dated a man like you once. Note the word "once." I dropped him like radioactive waste.

You'd be doing yourself a great favor by working on yourself just for YOU.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confused0000 said:


> Hello All!
> 
> So we're both in our 30's and have been together on and off for 2 1/2 years. We both have made mistakes in this relationship which is what led to many breakups and getting back together. Communication has probably been the biggest problem in our relationship, with trust being the second.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you were right not to trust her.

And you shouldn’t have gotten needy or jealous, or gone through her phone — you should’ve just dumped her.

Put her in your rearview and move on with your life.

Find a woman that wants to be your wife instead of everyone’s girlfriend.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confused0000 said:


> What if I take some time to work on myself and I want to show her that I’ve changed and won’t be so needy and insecure sometimes when we don’t see Eye to eye on things. How do I show this or prove that to her when she’s not responding to my text or reaching out


No.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You do not miss HER. You are infatuated with the idea of HER. You miss the space rocket sex. You miss the eye candy. You miss the connection of something you had briefly gotten. But alas, you are here. 

And now you are negotiating with yourself over what? HER! Forget it. You need to looking out for yourself and your well being. Your relationship with her is toxic. Cut it out and move on. The pain your feeling is just temporary feelings of the unknown and uncharted. But once you get your footing on sure ground, you should be alot better. 

Move along. And find someone that is worthy of your time and not running around on the carousel.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confused0000 said:


> What if I take some time to work on myself and I want to show her that I’ve changed and won’t be so needy and insecure sometimes when we don’t see Eye to eye on things. How do I show this or prove that to her when she’s not responding to my text or reaching out


Work on yourself for you, do not work on yourself for her. She ain't worth the effort, frankly.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> That's approval seeking behavior and negotiating from a point of weakness. Cut that crap out! You can't make someone like you and begging her like you are doing will stop her from respecting you also, which will make you even less attractive to her. The only thing you can do is walk away. That means NO CONTACT OF ANY SORT!!! You're acting pathetic and like she's more valuable than you are, so why would she want to do date down and go out with you?


So what everyone is telling me is, there is literally nothing I can do to get her back at this point? Even though throughout this whole thing she has come back to me from my inaction and no contact as well as me reaching out. I've tried both now to no avail (granted it's only been a month). I feel like maybe we both need an actual break this time to work on both of ourselves, not just a few weeks, maybe months of no contact.

But I just don't want to sit here and wait for that. I have a pretty complete life with a good job and many hobbies. Literally the only thing missing in my life is a good woman to settle down with.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confused0000 said:


> So what everyone is telling me is, there is literally nothing I can do to get her back at this point? Even though throughout this whole thing she has come back to me from my inaction and no contact as well as me reaching out. I've tried both now to no avail (granted it's only been a month). I feel like maybe we both need an actual break this time to work on both of ourselves, not just a few weeks, maybe months of no contact.


You shouldn’t WANT her back.



confused0000 said:


> But I just don't want to sit here and wait for that. I have a pretty complete life with a good job and many hobbies. Literally the only thing missing in my life is a good woman to settle down with.


Uhhh... that _ain’t_ her, dude.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

confused0000 said:


> So what everyone is telling me is, there is literally nothing I can do to get her back at this point? Even though throughout this whole thing she has come back to me from my inaction and no contact as well as me reaching out. I've tried both now to no avail (granted it's only been a month). I feel like maybe we both need an actual break this time to work on both of ourselves, not just a few weeks, maybe months of no contact.
> .


Bingo! You are correct. You cannot make someone want to come back to you. She can decide she wants to come back and you can decide to take her back, but you can't make that happen. But, as everyone has said, that would be a really bad choice for you to make. Her actually leaving and not contacting you is doing you a huge favor, even if you don't realize it.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Set aside for a minute the fact that this girl is a terrible partner for you. You're not quite understanding how utterly repulsive your behavior is to most women. You think it'll blow over in a few weeks. It won't. That ship has sailed. It didn't put a dent in your relationship, it totalled it. You need to really process how unhealthy and unattractive this weak neediness is so you can change that about yourself. Really it's a great opportunity for personal growth for you. You can now become the man you need to be for the long haul. You'll attract the right kind of woman now too. This small window of pain might just save you decades of misery.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Townes said:


> Set aside for a minute the fact that this girl is a terrible partner for you. You're not quite understanding how utterly repulsive your behavior is to most women. You think it'll blow over in a few weeks. It won't. That ship has sailed. It didn't put a dent in your relationship, it totalled it. You need to really process how unhealthy and unattractive this weak neediness is so you can change that about yourself. Really it's a great opportunity for personal growth for you. You can now become the man you need to be for the long haul. You'll attract the right kind of woman now too. This small window of pain might just save you decades of misery.


I want to point out to you that I'm not some insecure sissy man servant that you see in all the movies and tv shows. In fact I'm the opposite of that. But when she throws other men in my face, tells me explicit details of her sex life when drunk, etc.. etc.. How is one supposed to act towards the women they love? Just like, oh, haha, yeah that's funny? Her words and actions were repulsive to me, that's why we fought so much. She couldn't understand why I thought her behavior was bad, and I couldn't understand how she could think that was funny or cool. 

This woman has lied and deceived me. You're all going to say, then why do you want her back?

Like I said, when things were good it was amazing, when it's bad it's because of crap like this. Her actions and words are never aligned to me, and it's almost as if she knows what she's doing to get a rise out of me, she knows the ****** in my armor, so why does she continue to do those things!? 

And I don't know what kind of man would put up with that? I just kept thinking she's going to change, she's going to stop drinking, things are going to get better.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

You're repulsed by her words and actions. You thinks she's lying, manipulative, and cruel. You want to let her know you won't tolerate this behavior in a relationship...You're begging and pleading with her to please not leave you. Do you see a disconnect there?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

confused0000 said:


> But when she throws other men in my face,* tells me explicit details of her sex life when drunk*, etc.. etc.. How is one supposed to act towards the women they love? Just like, oh, haha, yeah that's funny? Her words and actions were repulsive to me, that's why we fought so much. She couldn't understand why I thought her behavior was bad, and I couldn't understand how she could think that was funny or cool.
> 
> *This woman has lied and deceived me*. You're all going to say, then why do you want her back?
> 
> ...


^^THIS.^^

Quit thinking with your penis and start thinking with your OTHER head - the one that contains your brain.

I get so weary of reading people post here who have a shopping list of all the downright disgusting traits their husband/wife/partner possess. Yet, it's SO GREAT when they're having fun. The thing is, the good times don't make up for the bad. To me, this signifies INSTABILITY in both partners. 

Who the hell needs all this damn drama???? Life is supposed to be enjoyed with a partner; not all this sucking-up, making-up, breaking-up crap.

WHY DOES SHE CONTINUE TO DO THESE THINGS? BECAUSE THAT IS WHO SHE IS. It would behoove you to figure out why you keep going back to drink from a poisoned well. And, no, I don't buy into this same-old-crap I read here so often from the I-keep-wishing-my partner-will change group. If they change, great, but I wouldn't waste my time on wishing for something that, in all probability, will never happen.. 

The reason so many people waste their time on this nonsense is because they just want to be with someone who is not a good match. It's denial. It's failure to look within to figure out who they are. Hell, you don't live in her head. She probably doesn't even know why she does most of what she does.

YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY YOU ARE HANGING ONTO AN ILLUSION. Because that is pretty much what the hoping-he'll/she'll-change group are doing.

SERIOUSLY.


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> ^^THIS.^^
> 
> Quit thinking with your penis and start thinking with your OTHER head - the one that contains your brain.
> 
> ...


Well, let's dig a little deeper. Why do I keep wanting to go back to this woman? Aside from the amazing sex and I find her to be insanely attractive physically. Why can't I get it through my head? I've been dealing with all this nonsense, drama, alcohol, pills, breaking up, making up, trying to "prove" myself to her in her words, for the last 2 and a half years. Why the hell do I have to prove myself to her? She should be proving to me that she actually wants a mature relationship, telling the truth, and saying she's sorry to me. Actions speak louder than words.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

confused0000 said:


> Aside from the amazing sex and I find her to be insanely attractive physically.


Trust me, she won't look nearly so hot when she's 65. Also, the rush of sweaty animal sex doesn't last. You can trust me on that too. Great sex is just that. Great sex. It doesn't necessarily equate to love. 



confused0000 said:


> Why can't I get it through my head? I've been dealing with all this nonsense, drama, alcohol, pills, breaking up, making up, trying to "prove" myself to her in her words, for the last 2 and a half years. Why the hell do I have to prove myself to her?


Ever heard the saying, "Ninety percent of the sale is in the sizzle"? Well, you haven't been able to pin her down in 2.5 years. She cheats on you. She isn't reliable. She's probably an addict to booze and pills. Hell, she's a big hot mess. But you don't have her 100% for yourself. The thrill of the chase is what it sounds like to me. Also, you lack self-esteem. Men who are really confident in who they are and what they want don't waste their time on a trampy party girl. Sorry, but she sounds like a **** doggie to me. Just sayin' ...

You? Codependent streak. Need to rescue a woman from herself. Lack of solid boundaries. Confusing sex with a lifetime commitment to love. Just throwing out a few ideas as to why you probably stick around ...


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Trust me, she won't look nearly so hot when she's 65. Also, the rush of sweaty animal sex doesn't last. You can trust me on that too. Great sex is just that. Great sex. It doesn't necessarily equate to love.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I believe you hit the nail on the head. I haven't been able to have her 100% to myself, and it may be the thrill of that chase. I've come to find out she does this all the men in her life, and I'm tired of fighting a losing battle.

You are also correct in that she is a complete big hot mess. There is always some sort of drama going on with her, that may be attractive to me in some weird way too. 

But you are wrong about the sex. I've been with plenty of women, but this one tops them all. I'm afraid of never finding that animalistic sex again. It hasn't faded in 2.5 years, and that is amazing to me. 

I just keep holding on to this idea that she will change, she's getting older, she claims she wants family, but it just never does, and she can never commit.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> If she's in her thirties she better enjoy this because she's going to age out of getting the degree of male attention she is used to....


Sigh 

This is completely irrelevant to his post, but besides that you are incorrect. If she wants male attention, she will have it, no matter what age.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

confused0000 said:


> But you are wrong about the sex. I've been with plenty of women, but this one tops them all. I'm afraid of never finding that animalistic sex again. It hasn't faded in 2.5 years, and that is amazing to me.
> 
> .


Now that you know how awesome sex can be, try to trust that you can have it again in a new relationship. I know it is hard to let go of a great sexual relationship and hard to move into a new life not knowing for sure where you will end up. But try to understand, she is not the only person you will have awesome sex with, she's just the FIRST you've had awesome sex with.

If great sex is a priority to you, you can make sure you include that in future relationships. 

But you really need to work on yourself first and understand why you have accepted such shabby treatment yet still love this woman. 

You need to love yourself enough to never be in this position again.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

confused0000 said:


> So her job is to lie and deceive? Drink and party? Keep male orbitors around at all times to feed her low self-esteem and ego? Not being able to commit?
> 
> I just want to know why.
> 
> ...


The only question you should be asking is 

Why is being with THIS girl so important to you? When there are plenty of others out there who won't treat you so callously.

There is a whole world out there. So you left your house and went into town, but there's still Paris, NYC, SF, Tokyo and so on. Get out there and enjoy life. This girl is just a giant trap for guys like you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't know how old you are. I don't know how many women you've slept with. But as of today, there are over 7.5 BILLION people on Planet Earth. I'm sure you can find AT LEAST one other woman who will give you better oral, better kink, better butt scratching, or whatever else may float your boat. 

Get out there and rock climb, sky dive, run marathons ... whatever. But quit limiting yourself and your potential with one skanky woman who you seem to (mistakenly) believe is the be-all end-all.

SERIOUSLY.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, move on. She's not into you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

confused0000 said:


> So her job is to lie and deceive? Drink and party? Keep male orbitors around at all times to feed her low self-esteem and ego? Not being able to commit?
> 
> I just want to know why.
> 
> ...


 Why did you accept it?
Why do you want to deal with these problems AGAIN?

The answer to your question is: because she wants to. And that makes her pretty awful. 
She’s not the best sex. Sex with a woman that is totally into you and is crazy about you, and is just average in bed—-she’d seem just as good as yourex gf.

It hurts to have to move on. But you’ll see down the road what a gift it was for her to break up with y I. Really


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

I thought I would revive this thread. It's been almost another 30 days. I tried reaching out to her a couple weeks ago via text, and again radio silence. Ignored, Zero contact from her for almost 60 days. 

I am at a loss. The pain is still here, but not nearly as much. It comes and goes. Some days are worse than others and it can strike like lightning. I feel like the worst times are in the morning and before bed. 

I still miss her so much. The anger and confusion are starting to fade, I'm starting to remember all the good times. I was driving around last weekend on a nice afternoon we had trying to clear my head, and it just struck like lightning. I started to remember all the good times we had, her being next to me in the car, spending the weekends together, etc. etc.

It took every ounce of energy not to reach out to her yet again.

Like I said this was an on again off again relationship. Looking at it now it was a toxic relationship with huge highs and low lows. I'm starting to realize now that it was almost like a drug for me. 

I just don't like how we ended things through a text message that went like this. Her "I'm done, I really am. It's long overdue" My response was. "Ok, I just wanted to get clear on that. Call me if you change your mind." and left it at that for 30 days.

I immediately went on the dating sites, and who do you think was on there? My ex as well. I dated a girl a week or so later, which was clearly a rebound for me, and lasted a few weeks. That's when I reached out to the EX for the first time. No response. 

I took some time for myself for the next 30 days to really work on me. That's when I decided to write her an email saying I understand why we broke up, I'm working on myself, and I just wanted her to know that I understand this space. She read it, no response.

I waited another week or so, sent a text out to her, "hey, are you free this weekend to meet up? It'd be nice to see you". Ignored.

So. What can I do? I know I have to keep moving forward, I know I have to keep bettering myself. I have plenty of hobbies, I'm very successful, I have friends. But I can't get this girl out of my head.

Any advice?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

No.. not anymore.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'll give you the same advice I gave you the first time. Find a good therapist. Let them help you figure out why you seem to crave a high level of crazy in your relationships. Let them help you figure out why you clearly don't think you deserve better. Let them help you figure out what it is about a lying, cheating, hot mess of a woman that is so appealing to you that you'll continue to chase her long after she's gone. 

Seriously. Fix yourself. There's apparently a lot to fix.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here's the advice (and almost everyone else has tried to tell you this): 
STOP TRYING TO BE WITH HER. She is NOT a good person.

When you think of the "good times", remember about all the guys she's cheated on while with you and throwing them up in your face and laughing at you about it. When you miss her at night in bed with you, think about all those OTHER beds she was in while she was supposed to be with you only. You should be lucky you don't have any STD's (you DID get checked, yes??)

Do you REALLY want to be with a woman who sleeps around and enjoys telling you about it to humiliate you and crush your self-respect and apparently gets off on hurting you? 

You say she is insanely attractive. I am telling you that she is UGLY to the bone. I don't care what she looks like on the inside. She has a hideous soul -- You need to see THAT and not just stop at the book cover.

Is that clear?


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