# No respect from husband regarding sex and older children



## lmhc (Dec 30, 2013)

I will not try to make this too long, but I really need some input, I was married to my ex-husband for 13 years, 2 years after being divorced I met a man (I think I actually met his representative), He seemed so nice, caring, worried about me financially (I was struggling as a single parent, 3 kids, not receiving child support from my ex-husband, no government assistance (per the state, I made to much money, 15.50 an hour) so yes, I struggled, I jumped in way too quickly, after knowing this man a month I became pregnant, My children at time was 14, 12, and 10. 

Starting over was very hard for me, I went through a very severe postpartum depression, prior to having my last son, it seemed that I couldn't do anything right in my life, I was constantly made to feel that I was stupid, couldn't make any right decisions in my life or my older children's life, I was and am being constantly told how I need to raise my older kids, I am also told how I need to raise our 3 year old. He believes in giving him every single thing, and no discipline. So I constantly staying frustrated, unhappy, depressed, and no desire for sex at all, I feel emotionally and verbally abused.

I see a therapist to work through my issues at hand, my husband has continually harassed me about sex, it's the only thing he talks about, every single day, and it's multiple times per day, he tries to grope me all the time, and personally I am just pissed off about this (I do it just to shut him up, the more I do it for him, the more he wants, I've even told him prior to sex that I didn't want to do it, yet he did it anyways. I have zero emotional needs met, he thinks I ought to pay him with sex when he does something like change the light bulb, or get me a soda at the store, I can ask him a question and he will say I am demanding him to do something. I feel very much controlled and then he will say I am the controlling one. He is very much messing with my mind. He's a cop by the way, (so he knows everything) I am right now unable to work, I went on a down hill spiral last December, I lost 60 pounds in about 6 months due to the anxiety that I was going through. I managed to work another 7 months after the December downward spiral and then it was too overwhelming, I was almost hospitalized for the depression and severe anxiety. I did what my therapist and Psychiatrist suggested I do, which was file for disability, I am certain that this marriage is disabling me as well. I know that it is toxic. 

I feel trapped, he is constantly reminding me that he is the one who makes the money, that I really don't do anything, I clean this house daily and take care of our son. I am so tired of feeling like a body to someone, feeling like I now can't make a decision without his approval, He gets mad about the simple things, my kids use too many cups in a day, they go in the dishwasher for petes sake! I do the laundry, I load and unload the dishwasher, I really try to make him happy, yet nothing I do is worthy. I was never like this prior to him. He makes my older kids upset, and I recently found out that my daughter who is 13 has cut herself due to him. He told her that they needed to work out their differences because he didn't want that for her. I am not innocent in this marriage, I have hit him before when I have felt like I just can't take it anymore, I know that is wrong and I am working on my anger.

Is this worth saving? Should I just get out if my disability is approved? Where should I go from here? Am I just playing a victim? I don't even know who I am anymore. I really need some input terribly. Thank you for reading this. I know it's long but I really need some support on this matter.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Friend, is it possible to edit your post and put in some paragraphs.

A solid wall of text is really hard to read. Oh my eyes!


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## darkwing (Jan 2, 2014)

Sex is a big part of a relationship. Yes, I do understand that a lot of women lost interest in sex after having kids, but you have to see it in the eyes of men. Men has needs. While few men can go on for months without sex, but for most of us, sex is important. I know you see him talk about sex, but if you are not giving it to him, of course that is what is on his mind all the time. If you are anything like my wife who think once a week is too much and there is no hand job, no oral, just plain missionary and spoon positions, then yes, sex is in my mind all the time.

I bet, if you surprise him occasional in sex, then this situation will change. But I am sure you won't. You think like my wife that your husband is the one with problem. You seeing yourself as normal one.


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## lmhc (Dec 30, 2013)

I do give him what he wants, let me put it like this, in the last 18 days or so, I gave it up 9 times or so, to me, that's a lot, all I want in return is some emotional need of my filled, not a man to roll over when he's done and go to sleep. You are right, when it comes to being once a week kind of girl, because I see no change in how he treats me whether or not he's getting sex. I could give him sex 4 nights a week and he would want it 5 night. He has told me that he goes to bed at night hoping to get lucky and has some sort of expectation for me to fill. I have given the oral, the hand, played with toys with him, played with a vibrator (I used it on him). He did go for awhile without sex, I had a total hysterectomy on Oct 1. I was told no sex for about 7 weeks, did that stop him from talking to me about it all the time? Nope, did he make an attempt to just show me caring and compassion? Nope, all he wanted to talk about is when he can have sex again. No one can continue to take that, especially when you have told them time and time again to stop stomping on your boundries. I care about him, He's an awesome father to our 3 year old. I would never say he wasn't. But again, what about everything else I said in the post? About the way he makes me feel even after I have tried to please him time and time again? Because sex is the only thing that pleases him. That's all. I need more than that.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Honestly, I think you have a toxic relationship.. 

Regardless of the who, what, why or when.. It's toxic.. I think you need to get out of there.. 

This is not a marriage.. It's a hell. for you both, it sounds like. You're hitting him, he's controlling and abusive.. 

Do your kids a favor and get counselling for everyone..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, you should stay and learn to work through conflicts. You haven't mentioned anything that isn't par for the course of blended families and relationships under the strained conditions a mental illness such as yours can bring.

It's so good that you've own your part in this, but there is so much more to learn if you stop running away and deal with what's in front of you.

I hate it when my kids crab a new cup for everything! So does my H. But if he got upset because I got mad when they did it...we'd have to work through that by talking it out and agreeing to a compromise.

3 year olds don't need too much discipline, what they need is Redirection. So instead of yelling NO, you call their name and get them interested in something else. Not everyone can do that easily but once you learn life with kids becomes soooo much easier.

Stay with your husband, stay in therapy, learn to cope with life and learn to talk it out and compromise.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No, you should stay and learn to work through conflicts. You haven't mentioned anything that isn't par for the course of blended families and relationships under the strained conditions a mental illness such as yours can bring.
> 
> It's so good that you've own your part in this, but there is so much more to learn if you stop running away and deal with what's in front of you.
> 
> ...


Wow, there is a lot going on here. I agree with the above. It sounds like there are enough positives within all of the negatives to merit some kind of therapy for everyone as the above poster said. You have a small child together, and even though he seems to have difficulty liking your other children, he is probably aware of this (I base this on your comment about him wanting to work out the issues with your daughter).

Concerning the sex aspect, well, the fact that he desires you is positive. 
Let me explain: at least he is showing attraction and a desire for some kind of intimacy with you on a REGULAR BASIS. I'm not saying you should be submissive and feel like an object, but there seems to be some way you can work through these issues. I'm not saying sex should be perceived as payment by him for services rendered! Don't get me wrong.

To sum up: you love him, he loves you (desires you), you have a small child together, and he is trying (?) to be a father figure for your other children. However, he has abusive or rude behavior and is not understanding your frustration.

If I've gotten the jist of things, you can definitely work this out.

Good luck with everything.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not to sidetrack the purpose of this thread OP but if you were a dude I would tell you, you're a coward and POS for hitting a woman.

Situation is reversed yet I still feel that you should be told just how detrimental to your relationship your physical violence has been.

About the other stuff, you seem like you're damaged emotionally and are still working through your issues, and have sought help for that. Which is good. Also seems like your husband doesn't get that you are damaged. It's not sinking in. Maybe he should accompany you on a psych visit? He needs to understand what's going on in your mind. Sadly most of us guys have no clue...even when you tell us. It's like something monumental has to transpire before the lightbulb goes on. 

You have the benefit of understanding that us guys are pretty dense when it comes to the emotional turmoil of our wives. Don't try to teach him the way you would teach another adult. Try to teach him the way you would a child. It sounds incredibly sexist but it's true. We...don't...get...it........


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

What about the OP's needs for caring and compassion? This man sounds only concerned with himself, not her. Most women are more open to sex when their needs are being met. Sounds like he's very critical of her, and she's miserable. I say the marriage is toxic and she needs to get out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lmhc said:


> *I feel trapped, he is constantly reminding me that he is the one who makes the money, that I really don't do anything, I clean this house daily and take care of our son. I am so tired of feeling like a body to someone, feeling like I now can't make a decision without his approval, He gets mad about the simple things, my kids use too many cups in a day, they go in the dishwasher for petes sake! I do the laundry, I load and unload the dishwasher, I really try to make him happy, yet nothing I do is worthy. I was never like this prior to him. *


Seems to me that you're with an emotionally abusive , controlling man. The resentment you feel is as consequence of the power imbalance in the relationship itself.
It is difficult to be sexually attracted or have sexual feelings for someone you resent.
We tend to view ourselves through the eyes of our partner in intimate relationships. 
Because he doesn't value your contribution as much as his financial contribution , because he doesn't express love towards your kids, you feel worthless and your life probably seems out of your control.
You feel as though you have no say in your marriage, and this man controls your very thoughts.

I am thinking maybe at the time you met him you were in a vulnerable state and he seemed to offer hope. I think you are correct in that getting pregnant for him that quickly,was a huge mistake.
Now he holds " _power of the purse_" like the proverbial sword of Damacles over your head.
Given your situation, this is definitely not an enviable nor tenable situation.

Whether or not the marriage is salvageable depends on both of you first understanding why things are happening the way they are, and then empowering yourself through counselling to work things out.

The root problem as I see it, is that he wields tremendous power in the marriage and you feel powerless.
People who act like him have serious childhood issues, and need therapy.
You too have your own issues that can be dealt with by therapy.


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Your situation sounds like my life for many years. It's so hard to feel emotionally connected to someone who has no understanding of what it's like to take care of a house all day. It's hard work. Anyone who thinks otherwise of their home should do it for a week and see for themself.

All that said. He is abusing you- whether he means it, intends it or is trying to do it, it's abuse. Trying to get an abuser to see their behavior is really hard. My husband never did until some way tragic events in our life and our marriage counselor basically called him out (mind you this is about 7 years later).

When you do have sex with him, is he appreciative? Is he giving? Does he make sure you're satisfied too? The way I see it is that it's a duty that married people have to each other. It's not a service for one to provide- you're not a prostitute. I would think it would feel good for one to give to another and make them feel good. If he's not generous to you, that's a whole other issue.

Do you have anyone else to lean on for emotional support? Friends or family? If he isn't meeting your emotional needs, maybe someone else can so that you can get by day-to-day. Until you feel strong enough to fight for yourself and know that you're worth it, it doesn't seem like much can progress positively for you. Doesn't mean a divorce or anything, it just means you may be miserable until you're in a place to be able to confront the situation head on and find a way to make sure you both get what you want.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I believe this is textbook abuse. He has the power and control and keeps it that way. 
Your
physical symptoms are typical of an emotionally abused woman. As you said, he changed once he felt he had 'ownership' of you. A loving man can take 'no' for an answer where sex is concerned. 
His behavior is despicable. 
If you stay with him YOU will notice yourself changing, you will get more and more down on yourself and ill. He'll blame you for everything that goes wrong. Everything you do and don't do will be used against you to keep you down and confused, and disoriented. As you said, you were never like this before, another big sign of emotional abuse. 
I suggest you go to the local abused woman's shelter without telling him and speak to a counsellor there asap. 
You need out, before you end up in the psych. ward and can't look after yourself or your kids!
Sex is often a method of power and control over a woman.

Your mental health is at stake here.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

The tail end before I left my husband, I had the same reaction to sex as you are. The inappropriate groping is a lot different than touching and wanting to be touched. Caribbean Man has nailed it. There's an imbalance in the relationship. You're pulling away and need to feel better about the relationship. If you felt good and happy, you'd probably ready and able every day 3 times a day. 

For the sake of the kids, get some counseling. Kids need happy parents.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm sorry to say but I don't think this is a normal relationship.

You, yourself have an excuse since you're depressed and your husband is doing nothing to fix that while he belittles you, the children, etc.

Marital counseling may help but is your husband willing to do that?

Nobody likes to be bossed around..especially by their husbands. And in addition..sex between the two of you doesn't always have to be on HIS terms as that takes all the fun out of it.

It's called foreplay.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Imhc....I guess I am concerned by your comment "I gave it up 9 times"....fundamentally I have an issue with that logic. First I am a 50 yr old female..been married 32 yrs so I am from an older....from a different generation so I may look at things a little old fashioned like. I am also a business women as n have worked my whole life so I want you to have a idea of where my perspective is coming from. 

If you are truly just "giving it up" then your just having sex and that is not the same as making love. The thing is sex to a man shows them that you love them and makes them feel loved...if you refuse sex to a man that means a lot more to them than it does to you....they feel you don't love them if you don't want to have sex with them. Your "giving it up" is not fooling him, your pretty much doing the same thing. I imagine it feels hollow to him because he can tell you don't want to. I know you feel he is not meeting your emotional needs outside the bedroom...but I would also challenge you that you may not be meeting his either. You can't change other people, but you can change yourself. You might find if you change your approach....he might change his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sounds like this guy has a problem where he bases love on the amount of sex he gets. 

My first wife was like that. She was way over sexed, like a border line nympho and her motor never shut down. sex was a cure all and after a while it was more like a job for me than fun. 

I got worse as time went on and after ten years the marriage went down the drain. I think you guys need to see a MC and soon before it gets to the point where the same thing happens to you that happened to me.


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## Syzygy (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm very concerned that he has been upsetting your children and that your daughter has started cutting herself. She needs to get into counseling right away and he needs to leave them alone. If he won't, they need to get away from your husband ASAP.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Syzygy said:


> I'm very concerned that he has been upsetting your children and that your daughter has started cutting herself. She needs to get into counseling right away and he needs to leave them alone. If he won't, they need to get away from your husband ASAP.



Good point :iagree: there's a reason for the cutting. I would worry about that. I also recommend you check the history of his computer activity without him knowing. Don't ask why. It may be nothing. Just search what he looks up and you might learn a lot about him.


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