# Wife Is Not Supportive



## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

We have been married for nearly four years and both have passions close to our hearts. I support her passion and am actively involved in it. She does not support my passion and never participates. Let me offer an example. She loves horses and we both own one each. She is involved in eventing and I always go to help her in preparation for her events. Just a couple of weeks ago, I returned home from a business trip one day then woke at 5:00 AM the next to go to a horse show with her. In return, I would like her to support my passion of music. I am a musician and play in a band. A few years ago, I started a band and she never came to any gigs to hear us play. I recently joined an established band and have played two gigs with them. She attended neither one. When she asks if I want her to go to a gig, I tell her yes but leave it up to her. What do you suppose is up with that? So much more can be said about our marriage but I will save that for another day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSupported said:


> We have been married for nearly four years and both have passions close to our hearts. I support her passion and am actively involved in it. She does not support my passion and never participates. Let me offer an example. She loves horses and we both own one each. She is involved in eventing and I always go to help her in preparation for her events. Just a couple of weeks ago, I returned home from a business trip one day then woke at 5:00 AM the next to go to a horse show with her. In return, I would like her to support my passion of music. I am a musician and play in a band. A few years ago, I started a band and she never came to any gigs to hear us play. I recently joined an established band and have played two gigs with them. She attended neither one.


Why does she say she does not go when you play? Have you asked her?



NotSupported said:


> When she asks if I want her to go to a gig, I tell her yes but leave it up to her. What do you suppose is up with that?


They way you put that, it sounds like you really don't want her to go, but you will put up with it if she does. Maybe you are showing a lack of enthusiasm for having her there. Could that be?

Do you have children?

What does she do when you are playing music?


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## sunshinie (Apr 18, 2017)

It sounds like you want her to be enthusiastic to go, all on her own. eg, "hon I have a show next Saturday" and she offers to say "I'll be there." Ideally that would be nice but not everyone is wired that way. If you have not as yet, formally invite her. let her know her presence and support is important to you. I feel like men so many times hide their vulnerabilities, it is hard for us wives to take care of them, especially when you are already juggling so much. Talk to her if you haven't & if you have already, have the conversation again using word pictures. I use that all the time to communicate with my husband, it helps him to understand my position better. Best of luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NotSupported said:


> We have been married for nearly four years and both have passions close to our hearts. I support her passion and am actively involved in it. She does not support my passion and never participates. Let me offer an example. She loves horses and we both own one each. She is involved in eventing and I always go to help her in preparation for her events. Just a couple of weeks ago, I returned home from a business trip one day then woke at 5:00 AM the next to go to a horse show with her. In return, I would like her to support my passion of music. I am a musician and play in a band. A few years ago, I started a band and she never came to any gigs to hear us play. I recently joined an established band and have played two gigs with them. She attended neither one. When she asks if I want her to go to a gig, I tell her yes but leave it up to her. What do you suppose is up with that? So much more can be said about our marriage but I will save that for another day.


It takes a lot more time and effort to get horses ready and travel to and from an event than it does for her to turn up at a gig for a couple of hours.Does she ask you to come to her events or is it just expected that you go.You don't make it clear if your own horse is involved or just hers,maybe she doesn't see it as you supporting her but as a joint effort.You need to tell her straight out that you would like her to come to your gigs.If she doesn't want to go then there's not much you can do.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Just for context, I've suffered from an emotionally non-supportive spouse throughout my marriage of nearly 10 years. I'll give you my perspective on what you posted, but it would be helpful to have more information.



NotSupported said:


> We have been married for nearly four years and both have passions close to our hearts. I support her passion and am actively involved in it. She does not support my passion and never participates.


I don't think the "participation" expectation is viable long-term. I realize you see yourself as "participating" in her passion and are demanding the same, which seems fair. But "participation" does not equally benefit both you and her, and you shouldn't be requiring her to do things that she might not necessarily enjoy. 

The most important thing is that your wife encourages your hobbies and doesn't stand in your way when it comes to you making time for them.



NotSupported said:


> Let me offer an example. She loves horses and we both own one each. She is involved in eventing and I always go to help her in preparation for her events. Just a couple of weeks ago, I returned home from a business trip one day then woke at 5:00 AM the next to go to a horse show with her. In return, I would like her to support my passion of music.


Again this seems fair, but in general, your wife might not enjoy live music all that much or the venues where you play. More specifically, she might not enjoy YOUR MUSIC, which is a tough pill to swallow. More on that later...

Something that might improve your situation is participating less in "eventing" and your wife's hobby, insofar as the lesser time you two are spending together isn't adversely impacting the relationship. 

Look, I'm not suggesting you to be passive aggressive about this, but if you don't enjoy the eventing as much as her and are doing it with expectations of her reciprocal support for your hobby, it might benefit you from doing it less. In turn, doing it less will curb your expectations of the wife doing more for you. 

It's a win-win, as long as your wife understands it and approves. If she doesn't approve and wants your participation, you need to request more participation from her and the level of participation should be commensurate with what you're putting in.



NotSupported said:


> I am a musician and play in a band. A few years ago, I started a band and she never came to any gigs to hear us play. I recently joined an established band and have played two gigs with them. She attended neither one. When she asks if I want her to go to a gig, I tell her yes but leave it up to her. What do you suppose is up with that? So much more can be said about our marriage but I will save that for another day.


There is still a negative aspect to the proposed arrangement; your wife is not willfully taking part of your artistic expression through your music, which on its own, is kind of hurtful. Are you offended by this behavior?

Assuming you have a part in writing the music, the music is literally part of you that she is rejecting. You tell her you'd like her at your gig and give her the option, but she shows you through action that she'd rather be somewhere else.

Take a deep breath before reading on: She might not like your music. She might not like any number of things attached to your music, including other people in your band. Don't know exactly, but she's certainly choosing to spend her time differently.

Like I said before, this is hurtful, and I'm not going to play it off like it isn't. I went through something similar with my wife, who was even more non-supportive than your wife. For example, to cast my predicament in your situation would be like the following: suppose your wife not only didn't go to your gigs, but also argued with you at length over you spending money on instruments and spending time to practice; told you to your face that your music is terrible and it'll never go anywhere; and that finally, she said she would never even listen to your album, if you produced one in the future. 

Seems like your wife cares about you, and wouldn't hurt you in the same way that my wife hurt me. In your case, communicating with your wife might strike a compromise as above, and I recommend that you two talk. You will, however, have to accept that your wife may not like your music (or something else), but the fact that she lets you do what you love is most important and speaks to her feelings for you. Be happy in this.

As a final note, and generally speaking, hobbies are for the individual's enjoyment. Especially when it comes to the arts, such as music, writing, painting, or crafts, we do our hobbies because we love them. And the things we truly love owe us nothing, not even our spouse's participation. Keep doing your music for you and you alone... and don't expect your wife to like it as much as you. Good luck!


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

NotSupported said:


> We have been married for nearly four years and both have passions close to our hearts. I support her passion and am actively involved in it. She does not support my passion and never participates.
> 
> Let me offer an example. She loves horses and we both own one each. She is involved in eventing and I always go to help her in preparation for her events. Just a couple of weeks ago, I returned home from a business trip one day then woke at 5:00 AM the next to go to a horse show with her. I
> 
> n return, I would like her to support my passion of music. I am a musician and play in a band. A few years ago, I started a band and she never came to any gigs to hear us play. I recently joined an established band and have played two gigs with them. She attended neither one. When she asks if I want her to go to a gig, I tell her yes but leave it up to her. What do you suppose is up with that? So much more can be said about our marriage but I will save that for another day.


My reply is going to be very unsympathetic. Frankly, if this is the extent of your difficulties, you are a very lucky man.

It is implicit throughout your post that you expect a quid-pro-quo. You support you wife in her interests, therefore she should support yours. It is known as a secret contract and is classic passive-aggressive "nice-guy" behaviour.

If you do not really want to go to her things, then grow up and do not go. Your choice! If you want to support her, great! Go! Your choice. You are not being forced to go, so who cares. Let us completely discard that part of your post.

What we are left with it that your wife does not go to your gigs. Do she accept sex? Does she help around the house? If you have kids, does she help with the kids? If the answer is generally yes, we are left with "I have a great wife and do as I please. I would like it if she went to my gigs".


OK. Fine. Do you want to force her to go to your gigs. 

How about this; If really wants to go to your things, then she does not go. Her choice! If she wants to support you, great! Go! Her choice.

You have no right to demand things of her. If her choice is not something you can live with, then move on. But clearly, you will not cope well being single and if your wife is contributing in the ways I list above, you are not likely to replace her with someone as giving.

Most poster condemn the passive-aggressive, "nice-guy" behaviour. I am not sure. Generally the whiniest husbands have the most hard working, giving wives, so there is something to be said for it. But at some point, you have to count your blessings.


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## mikky (Mar 29, 2017)

You can't force your wife to like/love everything about you

Sent from my Infinix HOT 4 using Tapatalk


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

How funny. Big coincidence. My wife used to show horses (it was something her family did before we met and she wasn't really into it and was, quite frankly happy to drop it when she moved out). I used to do come gigging. 

If she was going to a horse event, I would go with her. When she wasn't in the ring, we were side by side. 

Going to a gig is different. I wouldn't expect her to come to one. You're playing 80% of the time, setting up or tearing down the rest; even on breaks between set's, you don't have time to relax together. What's she supposed to do all that time, sit and drink? Probably alone.

I don't think the two are comparable. One is much easier to do "together" than the other.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

For me who attends classic car shows with my own cars I always ask my W. 9 times out of 10 she will not attend. I'm ok with that. Why you may ask? Because I feel I'm supported with my passion/hobby by my W in the respect that she is always cheerful I go when I can. She packs me drinks and snacks. We text most of the day. I arrive home to a meal, cold beer and definitely a roll in the hay. Further, it gives me time to myself and enjoy the day wandering about doing my thing. For me, support does not always have to be in the physical presence. It can take the form as I stated here. Happy and helpful in sending me off with a smile and bag of drinks/snacks.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do you attend eventing because its something that YOU enjoy? Or do you only do it because she is involved? If you dont actually enjoy it, maybe you should stop going every time. 

Have you told her that you would LIKE for her to come to a gig, or have you always presented it like, she is welcome if she wants to go..? Maybe she doesnt understand that you would really like for her to be there. It may or may not matter to her, but she may be more inclined to go at least once to show support. The live band scene isnt for everyone, mainly because it means being in bars. And if you go with one of the musicians, you have to be there early and stay late for breakdown. May just not be her thing. Personally I think she should still go though now and then, just to show support for her husband.


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

Yes, I have presented it that way. I would like for her to come at times yet do not expect her involvement every time. This lack of support goes beyond my "passive-aggressive" nice-guy behavior as one responder posted. She also does not support me in my job, has never made an effort to be a part of my children's lives, and the list could go on. Guess I am at the end of my rope and was reaching out to someone. Thank you for being kind.


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

She asks me to come with the expectation that I will. No, my horse is not involved. I go to support and help her. Also, I enjoy the animals.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

NotSupported said:


> Yes, I have presented it that way. I would like for her to come at times yet do not expect her involvement every time. This lack of support goes beyond my "passive-aggressive" nice-guy behavior as one responder posted. She also does not support me in my job, has never made an effort to be a part of my children's lives, and the list could go on. Guess I am at the end of my rope and was reaching out to someone. Thank you for being kind.


So what is the real problem here? Clearly her not coming to your events is not it.


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

She doesn't say anything. Of course I would like her to go if even for just a little while. No, we do not have children together. She sits at home when I play.


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

I suppose the lack of participation is minor but I don't jump in the deep end that quickly talking to others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSupported said:


> She doesn't say anything. Of course I would like her to go if even for just a little while. No, we do not have children together. She sits at home when I play.


What is she supposed to do when are playing? Would she be sitting at a table by herself, or with people who she really does not know and/or care about?

How old were your children when the two of you married?

Do you do things with your children and she just does not go with you?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

We have friends who say they will go with her. My children were 16, 13, and 10 when we married. In the past, when my children have come to our place, she has closed herself up in the bedroom with little communication with them. I suppose a lot of things have simply added up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSupported said:


> We have friends who say they will go with her. My children were 16, 13, and 10 when we married. In the past, when my children have come to our place, she has closed herself up in the bedroom with little communication with them. I suppose a lot of things have simply added up.


Do your kids like your wife? Did they accept her when you were dating?

What adds up?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

Yes. My children has always liked and shown her respect so I cannot answer what did not add up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSupported said:


> Yes. My children has always liked and shown her respect so I cannot answer what did not add up.


Have you asked her why she does this with your children? 

How often are they at your house?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

I have and she has no good answer. They have not been to my house in a long time. I go to them.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

NotSupported said:


> I have and she has no good answer. They have not been to my house in a long time. I go to them.


That's unacceptable. How do your children feel about her attitude towards them?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

Now we live far away from them so they don't give it much thought. I travel to them. The thing is she was never mean to them. She simply stayed away.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long of a time was it that they used to come to your house?

What was her interaction with them like before you married?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

It has been three years. At first she was open to them and did things with us; however, she started turning down offers to hang out with us until it got to the point she did nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSupported said:


> It has been three years. At first she was open to them and did things with us; however, she started turning down offers to hang out with us until it got to the point she did nothing.


Did she do this before you married her? Or did she start doing less and less with the only after you married her?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

I saw it before the marriage. Should have walked away I guess.


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

She never speaks poorly of them and seems interested in their lives. Actions do speak louder than words though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSupported said:


> She never speaks poorly of them and seems interested in their lives. Actions do speak louder than words though.


Does "interested in their lives" mean that she talks to you about them? Or does it mean that she talks to them about their lives?

A lot of people do not know what they are supposed to do as step parents. Most of the literature says to realize that they are not your children; let their parent do the parenting. And all a step parent can really do is be a friend to the step children. There is a lot of wisdom to this stance.

She clearly adopted that stance.

You knew what she was like as a step parent before you married her.

It sounds like you are just unhappy in your marriage. Why are you staying?


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## NotSupported (Apr 26, 2017)

I don't know. My mom told me the same thing about that stance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a horse only because she has a horse?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

NotSupported said:


> Yes, I have presented it that way. I would like for her to come at times yet do not expect her involvement every time. This lack of support goes beyond my "passive-aggressive" nice-guy behavior as one responder posted. She also does not support me in my job, has never made an effort to be a part of my children's lives, and the list could go on. Guess I am at the end of my rope and was reaching out to someone. Thank you for being kind.


What you presented to us was trivial. I took that problem to be trivial as it is. DO not blame me because you held stuff back. In terms of her supporting your hobbies, I stand by everything I wrote. 

If she is not supporting your kids lives, that is more serious and I find it odd you did not state that in the first place. Understand that when people write these comments, there are hugely differing levels of expectations behind them. Do you kids not come to your house specifically because she does not want them there? Has she made that clear, or is it an understanding?


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