# scared of making the wrong decision....



## 9966 (Feb 4, 2012)

I met my current husband in early '04 and by the end of the year, we were talking about moving in together. From what I had seen, experienced, and discussed with him up to that point, I had no reason to believe that he had any financial issues. I worked full-time and was making more than enough to support myself. Right before we found an apartment, he lost an important steady gig (he's self-employed) unexpectedly. He was very upset and said that perhaps we should wait to move in, but I assured him that I wanted to live with him and that I felt he would get back on track very soon. Boy was I wrong! From the beginning, living together was very stressful because of the finances. I felt he was not doing enough to try to bring some money into the household. I was upset because I learned the extent of this credit card debt, which on top of his child support for his daughter from a previous relationship, amounted to hefty bills each month.

I learned over time that in reality, he had never lived within his means and this meant a lot of credit card debt. He paid his bills and child support himself - except when he didn't have the money to do this and then I would pay - but that left little or nothing to contribute to our household expenses. 

A year later, things had improved a little bit for his work and we decided that rather than renting, we would buy a house together. We bought the house, for which I paid the down payment and for which I have been paying the mortgage since the very first payment 6 yrs ago. A year later, we got married. he did not buy me an engagement ring. I but the stone myself and he came with me to have it made into a ring. For my wedding band, I used a ring of my Grandmothers. We had talked of marriage many times and he had asked to be his wife a few times, but never with the ring. I gave him the engagement ring and asked him to propose nicely to me. A couple of weeks passed and nothing so I just started wearing the ring. We got married in Las Vegas - something I planned and paid for. 2 years later, our first child came.

I truly thought that having a baby would make him get serious with his career in understanding that the climate had changed and it was time to seek out something else that interested him and could bring in some steady money. I was wrong. We went to MC about why we were both unhappy. It helped for a bit. I wanted another child and at first he didn't. He was the one at home with our baby while I worked. Finally he gave in - mostly I think because he was scared to lose me if he kept saying no. Our 2nd child was born almost 2 years from the first. He is home with both of them during the day and works occasionally at night (mostly on weekends).

I have always communicated my feelings with him honestly about everything. He knows that I am not happy that he will not change his career and that I find it insulting that he won't get a job where there is steady money coming in, especially with our kids in our lives now. He has sat back and watched me cry and be upset due to my unhappiness at my job, knowing that I feel trapped because I am the breadwinner and carrier of the health insurance. Still he has not changed anything.

While the finances are one of the main issues from my perspective, there are many other issues in the relationship too.
I find him lazy and his procrastination drives me to distraction with anger. I don't care so long as it doesn't affect my life or our kid's lives, but it always does. After our last child, I had asked him to get a vasectomy because we decided we didn't want anymore kids (we're both 40ish). With both kids we got pregnant really quickly and I wanted this taken care of. Sure enough I was late and it turns out I was pregnant. Our 2nd child was just 9 months old at the time. I freaked out and was so upset because again, his procrastination had put me in a bad place. I told him I didn't think I would ever feel the same way about him again. I had an abortion as we both decided that we didn't want anymore kids. I agreed to do it if I was in the earliest stages and if not, said I would have the baby. It was the most horrible experience of my life and one that I've regretted many times since.

While things weren't that great before, following the abortion, things were terrible. Our 2nd child is nearly 2.5 yrs old now and in that time period, we've had sex 2-3 times. I am not interested in sex with him and am not sexually attracted to him at all. Part of it is because I do not have feelings of being in love with him anymore and part of it is because he has gained a lot of weight and doesn't take care of himself like he did before. I find his hygiene lacking and it's a HUGE turnoff (and yes, I have talked to him about this in the nicest ways possible with no change). We do not have much physical contact - even hugging or things of that nature and certainly no kissing. I do not feel that way towards him. He feels like a room mate and the caregiver of my kids and that is all. There have been many times when I ask myself why he is here at all. He's told me that he feels me pulling away from him and that it's really hurtful. I started working out a couple of years ago and he said he feels like I'm a pretty doll that's up on a shelf that he can't play with. He's told me that he is so lonely even in his own house. I feel lonely too.

We had an honest talk a few weeks ago where I told him that we need to start going to MC again if there is any hope of trying to salvage this marriage. He told me he's angry all the time now. I said we both are. I am at the point where I'm willing to go to MC, but I just don't know if doing so can bring back the feelings of being in love with him. I don't even remember what it feels like to feel that way or to desire my husband. There is too much anger, resentment, and frustration in the way. In hindsight, I see so many red flags and I wish I had done some things a lot differently. Hopefully we can find a MC that we both like and start going immediately.

Any advice? I have absolutely no one to talk to about this and I am so scared of making the wrong decision....


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## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

well i can empathise with you. I'm struggling with the same stay or go thing myself. However the one thing you need to do along with counseling is make sure you are protected financially if things start getting worse. Like making sure the money is a separate account that only you have access to....


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## 9966 (Feb 4, 2012)

Yes, sadinsalem..unfortunately we've always had separate bank accounts. He also pays his own credit card bills and child support for his daughter from previous relationship. I am not trying to bilk him or anything and he is aware of the money I had saved up coming into the marriage, so I'm sure should we divorce, any lawyer he would get would demand records.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that in your case separate bank accounts is a very good idea. You husband has been along for the ride. I can understand how you feel about him not contributing enough financially. 

Have you checked the divorce laws in the state where you live? You are getting closer to having what is called a long-term marriage. In some states you could end up having to pay your husband years of spousal support because you make more than he does. Since he’s the primary care taker of the children he could also end up with primary physical custody and you paying child support.

For example in California 10 years is considered a long term marriage.

You might want to do some research on the divorce laws in your state and maybe even see an attorney to find out where you stand.


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