# Anger you cannot shake



## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Seems to come and go, but it is always there. Even after it doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Without children, we could shake hands and part.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Ditto.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Seems to come and go, but it is always there. Even after it doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Without children, we could shake hands and part.


This is very true.

After years of anger, I realized that for me it was always going to be there, and justifiably so. I decided I would acknowledge it for the past, but do what I could to not make it my present and future. That was the absolute best I could do with it


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ditto... I just tried to accept it's presence and use it like energy to change my lot in life. Also, by accepting it and "why", I don't feel that need to take it out on anyone. I can't change the past, but I can be angry about and use it so it will not be repeated.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Anger is the THE hardest part for me. I have gone through the stages of grief but anger is the hardest part for me. Between me having to deal with the infidelity, the total abandonment of ALL parental and financial responsibility from a 16 year marriage and the lack of remorse. Anger has consumed me. 

I am trying all outlets... therapy, 180 plan, acceptance of present situation but still very angry.. Advice??


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

All anger is shake-able. When you lose the paradigm of anger you cannot shake, you will be able to deal with the anger. Anger will eat you up inside and cause health problems. You are angry about something that happened in the past, that affected your perceptions and beliefs about the future that were probably completely unfounded if you really go back and assess the situation again from the prior point of perspective. I can see being angry about things that are happening in the moment, and dealing with that anger in a way that you don't hold on to it. but holding onto anger about stuff that happened in the past? The only person that really cares about that is you. Anger is a lonely place to be. Eventually you will be angry about being angry. At that point, you will realize that in order to stop being angry, you have to let go of the original 'anger' package from the past. Being angry about being angry is probably the best place to start. That's my only advice. If you can be angry at the anger, then you can do something about it. In order to stop the new wave of anger, you will find that you really do have to figure out a way to eradicate the original anger from the past, that only has meaning for you, and really, only had meaning in the past as it pertained to your expectations (predictions, crystal ball beliefs) about the future and what you thought you knew about your reality at that time.


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Harken. Are you still with WW or are you separated?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Something an old friend told me a while back that's always
stuck with me over the years was "nobody _makes_ you angry, you _choose_ to get angry."

Even still, it takes time and a lot of effort.

The more you focus on yourself, the better off you'll be.
Who do you want to be? It's a fresh start and the clock is ticking.

The way I look at it, I wasted almost 2 decades with someone
that would stab me and our family in the heart. I refuse to waste
any more time mourning a fake person who's too blind to see
the damage she's caused. Not worth it.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I was very angry for a long time. Then I was angry for being angry.

I can honestly say I have not an ounce of anger left about his infidelity

But that is probably because I dont care anymore, inside I moved on along time ago

There is hope

Choose happiness


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> Seems to come and go, but it is always there. Even after it doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Without children, we could shake hands and part.


Yes. That is one of the worst things. Before this all happened, I was a pretty easy going person - actually joked and laughed most of the time - never took anything too seriously (which might have been a bit of a problem for my stbxw, now that I think about it). I mean, I took being a husband and a father very seriously, but tried to have as much fun with it as possible.

Now I am angry at least two or three times a day - for no particular reason - it will just be a small trigger, like trying to plan something for the weekend, then realizing I don't have the kids for that weekend and we are no longer a family. Or waking up in an empty house and going past my kids bedrooms. 

And right now, I really hate my wife. H A T E. Which is bad because ideally, I should be indifferent. I am wasting a lot of good emotion hating a woman who really deserves indifference.

And every time I think I am at or near a state of indifference, my stbxw will do something that makes me angry - like this past weekend when she bailed out of our youngest daughter's birthday with a flimsy excuse. 

Can't wait until I am COMPLETELY past this.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Harken Banks said:


> Seems to come and go, but it is always there. Even after it doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Without children, we could shake hands and part.


Hence my username!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

However, anger comes down, less frequent as time passes, dudes!

I have gone through the anger.....Anger hurts us more than the spouses.

To me, the horrible thing is, trust is gone. Not only on spouse but in general!


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

It's the worst. I'm about the least-angry, most agreeable person around...well I was anyway.

Every morning I wake up and the world is beautiful...until ten seconds later, when I remember THIS happened to me, and invariably the first words of my day are ****!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT! SON OF A *****!!! MOTHER****ER!!! This morning in particular I was having a great dream of spending a lovely time with my beautiful wife, and then I remembered what she did and ****ING **** **** STUPID ******* BASTARD PIECE OF ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> It's the worst. I'm about the least-angry, most agreeable person around...well I was anyway.
> 
> Every morning I wake up and the world is beautiful...until ten seconds later, when I remember THIS happened to me, and invariably the first words of my day are ****!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT! SON OF A *****!!! MOTHER****ER!!! This morning in particular I was having a great dream of spending a lovely time with my beautiful wife, and then I remembered what she did and ****ING **** **** STUPID ******* BASTARD PIECE OF ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Do you think people would think you were nuts if you just stayed in the emotional space of those first ten seconds?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have found that anger energises and pushes me to say or do the things that I need to say or do. But I have now reached a point where I know that my fiancé is doing everything he can to make me feel safe and do the right things for our relationship.

Still there are those moments, when you are wondering, why on earth did he choose to do that and so on. And this is why I come back to this message board and unload my anger here.

I hope to need it less and less very soon.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

The anger keep me warm. I know that I am hurting me and not her.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

NotDoneYet said:


> It's the worst. I'm about the least-angry, most agreeable person around...well I was anyway.
> 
> Every morning I wake up and the world is beautiful...until ten seconds later, when I remember THIS happened to me, and invariably the first words of my day are ****!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT! SON OF A *****!!! MOTHER****ER!!! This morning in particular I was having a great dream of spending a lovely time with my beautiful wife, and then I remembered what she did and ****ING **** **** STUPID ******* BASTARD PIECE OF ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Those first 10 seconds are great though, aren't they?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> It's the worst. I'm about the least-angry, most agreeable person around...well I was anyway.
> 
> Every morning I wake up and the world is beautiful...until ten seconds later, when I remember THIS happened to me, and invariably the first words of my day are ****!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT! SON OF A *****!!! MOTHER****ER!!! This morning in particular I was having a great dream of spending a lovely time with my beautiful wife, and then I remembered what she did and ****ING **** **** STUPID ******* BASTARD PIECE OF ****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yes. It's like that. Several times a day. All is right with the world. And then it is just a wall of impossibility and something has to change.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Funny I read this thread yesterday was not feeling angry at the time..then this morning while getting ready for work I started to think about how on DD#2 how H told me that he just started reinitiating contact with his OW only about a month before..he said that because we were starting to have more arguments he needed a break from that..(so basically I drove him to it). Then I discovered a day later when I got into his email that the email was set up not a month prior but six months earlier a couple of days after DD#1..so there was no stopping contact at all.

That pisses me off just thinking about that..how he tried to make it sound when he got caught that I drove him to reestablishing contact with his OW...what a frickin idiot! 

Now I am pissed off again...

Funny how those thoughts just come out of the blue...

I am so sick of thinking about this bull**** crap....I wish I could just shut my thoughts down and move on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

highwood said:


> Funny I read this thread yesterday was not feeling angry at the time..*then this morning while getting ready for work I started to think about how on DD#2 how H told me that he just started reinitiating contact with his OW only about a month before..*he said that because we were starting to have more arguments he needed a break from that..(so basically I drove him to it). Then I discovered a day later when I got into his email that the email was set up not a month prior but six months earlier a couple of days after DD#1..so there was no stopping contact at all.
> 
> That pisses me off just thinking about that..how he tried to make it sound when he got caught that I drove him to reestablishing contact with his OW...what a frickin idiot!
> 
> ...


Interesting, there must be internal turning point between your H and the OW that motivated him to out himself to you. can you think of a reason why?

ie, the relationship is reaching a new stage; maybe he felt a setback between him and her......


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to have something in place you can do when this comes up. Running, Batting Cages ect. Something to work it out. Also focus on something positive in your life.

I used to just focus on photos of my kids and graddaughter and remember I would not have them in my life it was not for my WS.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Interesting, there must be internal turning point between your H and the OW that motivated him to out himself to you. can you think of a reason why?
> 
> ie, the relationship is reaching a new stage; maybe he felt a setback between him and her......


What motivated him was that morning I discovered the cheap ass laptop he had hidden in his truck that he was using to communicate with her That was his motivation!

So the whole time between DD#1 and #2..the computer he knew I was checking was not the one he was using.

I am having one of those days where I need to remind myself why I am still with this idiot:scratchhead:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its nice to know that I am not the only one trying to deal with this. THis is the first time in my life that I have ever had a deep-seated HATRED toward another person. I literally wish her dead. (she keeps half-assed trying to make my wish come true, but I think she needs a better, more effective method) I have always been a laid back, easy going person. Non-confrontational. Now I am angry, and sad, and I really dont like who I am right now. I always liked myself, was always comfortable with who I was. And I finally had something good in my life, and the b!tch thought nothing of interfering and taking it from me. I am SO, SO tired of thinking about it, about them, I just want it to stop.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

once you hit indifference...

the anger vanishes.

look up-it'll pass but you need to not give a rats



love and peace


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Summer4744 said:


> Harken. Are you still with WW or are you separated?


We are together. Both trying our best. What they say about the roller coaster, don't discount it. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51649-seeking-advice-7.html#post981997


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Harken it must be a strain with all the traveling your wife has to do. Does she still have the same job?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Harken it must be a strain with all the traveling your wife has to do. Does she still have the same job?


She does. The travel has greatly increased with the new position she sought and received over the summer while this was going on. Including more of the "sales caucases and kick-offs" that precipitated all of this. I cannot express the distress I experience each time the issue of travel comes up. And it does a lot. I am dreading the next several months. The thoughts and images that run through my mind.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> She does. The travel has greatly increased with the new position she sought and received over the summer while this was going on. Including more of the "sales caucases and kick-offs" that precipitated all of this. I cannot express the distress I experience each time the issue of travel comes up. And it does a lot. I am dreading the next several months. The thoughts and images that run through my mind.


And this must keep the anger fresh. Or not?

Does your W try to help you with the emotional effects of the travel? Have you two established a protocol to address the distress you feel?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I was never, ever angry with my wife over her affair. Sad, devastated, emasculated to a degree, but never angry with her.

I felt some anger for her OM.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It takes a concious effort of will to turn anger off. Some say having a mantra works. Worth a try. I have had success just derailing the anger by turning my thoughts elsewhere. The trick is to recognize the anger coming on and deciding to cut it off with a thought/thoughts you know you will like.

One other thought. Anger is addicting, as in drug addiction. I starting thinking about a family I am involved with. They will blow up with each other in a heart beat but always nice and kind with every one else. I got the idea of googleing anger and adrenalin. Check it out.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> And this must keep the anger fresh. Or not?
> 
> Does your W try to help you with the emotional effects of the travel? Have you two established a protocol to address the distress you feel?


Thank you, AD. These things seem so obvious. And yet, yes, no, and no.

I have tried to initiate conversations around each of these questions. Today even. Backfires.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

HB - The travel problem didn't bring me to TAM, but is the one thorn in the side that kept me reading when I found the place.

This is very important, in my opinion. The stress, distress, and trauma of the not knowing, the waiting, the feeling of always being the one left behind can be extremely damaging. If you add to it the specter of infidelity, it can be dealbreaking.

I will tell you honestly that I consider myself a relatively rational person, but the one true source of unrelenting anger in me from the past is the attitude that prevailed in my marriage surrounding constant work travel. If your W is truly interested in reconciling, this is not to be dismissed.

The traveling spouse typically downplays the anxiety associated with this, but there are definitely ways to mitigate the stress if both people take it seriously.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I would advise that you have an honest discussion with your wife about what she needs to do when she is travelling. If she is interested in continuing R, she will want to do everything she can to help you deal with any anxiety/anger when she travels. There are a lot of options now - skype, IM - it's a lot easier to stay in touch. When you say that you initiated these conversations and they "backfired", what do you mean? 

When I first got married I travelled a lot and my stbxw was very, very insecure and uneasy about it. I had actually met, and fell in love with my stbxw at an overseas conference (we worked for the same Company - but in different countries) - I could never understand her jealousy - maybe she thought I would do it again?

I would sometimes would be gone for a week, sometimes two weeks if it was to Asia - sometimes only a day if it was to Montreal or NY. Probably was travelling at least 10 days/month. It was a highly stressful time because my wife was new to Canada and all alone. And she was toxically jealous, often accusing ME of having an affair with my secretary when I worked late on a deal. In those days (late 80's, early 90's) there was no internet, and nobody had cellphones so our phone bills were massive - I would call several times a day - from wherever I could. 

Whatever you do, don't do what my stbxw did, which was to let her insecurities go crazy and irrational. My stbxw, behind my back, contacted my boss and asked him to limit my travel. All of a sudden, I could no longer be as effective at my job. So I eventually moved laterally to another position that would entail less travel, but a position I was less passionate about and our company was a smaller player (although I did manage to grow this business). Here's the thing: I will always resent my stbxw for not speaking with me. Even though I still had a good position, I always have a part of me that blames my stbxw for affecting my career path because of her insecurities.

Of course, the irony is - SHE was the one who eventually cheated.

Have a talk with your wife. Ask her to work with you to agree on some travel protocol for communicating with each other that works for both of you. If she is not willing to do this, then you'll have to ask yourself why.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks, Cedarman. Clearly, we should work together to solve this for us, our family, and each other. My wife has travelled a lot for her job for the entirety of our marriage. For a long time, I saw it as a positive, as she gets a lot out of it personally. Now we have 4 young children and more commitments than we can manage. I am not sure if it is insecurities that get to me or that I am simply not happy with the current arrangement. Also, there are the thoughts and images that now run through my mind. 

I have a good and as flexible as I want it gig. Because of that flexibility and my own, it seems to have been my lot and role to absorb the accumulating stress and chaos. Oh, and that other stuff too.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Yes i know what you mean. 
It rears its ugly head often, still. 
Punching bag is good for me. But sometimes the anger slides me down into malaise...almost depression it seems. 
Which is hard for me. 
I know how to deal with anger. 
I dont know how to deal with being depressed. 
Like another poster said, before all this i was an easy-going guy. Fun to be aroubd mostly. 
Now im a hermit. The only things that really bring a smile to my face are my daughter and when my young horse does well in her training. 
So, that kinda makes me angry. Lol. What a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is my take on anger. Anger is not the first emotion. The first emotion is hurt, betrayal, disappointment, being insulted, or any number of emotions. In managing your anger do this little exercise. When you get angry stop and think, why am I angry, what caused the anger? Go back to what I said, anger is not the first emotion there is always another emotion that comes first. Identify that emotion. I get angry a lot due to what my wife did to me. My wife has said from time to time that I am an angry person and I do not like it. I was never like this before her A, I was an easy going person. But her A has shook me to the core. I teach anger managment in counseling and I try as best as I can to put into practise what I teach. It helps. I can identify the first emotion that sets off my anger. It differs from time to time. Some day I may be hit with a thought about what my wife said to me over a year ago, one of her many lies, and I get mad. The first emotion is not anger, but betrayal, which then causes me to get mad. For me, identifying what cause my anger is important to dealing with it. If I try to deal with the anger and not it's cause I am not really understanding the problem and not really addressing the problem.

Anger in and of itself is not wrong. But it can eat you alive and it is one of the two deadly poisens of the soul, anger and bitterness. I am trying to deal with my anger by addressing what causes it. It is helping. What my wife did to me is the worst thing that ever happened to me. So for me working through the emotions of betrayal, hurt, disrespect, etc, is more useful than dealing directly with the anger.

Just my thoughts on the subject.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

If I had to choose between feeling hurt, betrayed, depressed, vs being angry, I would choose angry every time.

I think it's healthy (up to a point) to be angry at your WS. They fcked up, they lied, and they did it without thinking of the consequences and without thinking of YOU, their loyal spouse. Don't question the anger because you have a right to be angry. Just don't let it spill over into the rest of your life.

So long as you can control the anger and it's just a passing emotion - soon you will be able to just shake your head at the antics of your WS. I still get really angry at my stbxw, but I no longer feel depressed or hurt. This is because, in my anger, I realize that my stbxw is completely messed up. She's heading to a bad place and I am just another casualty on her journey searching for a cure for her unhappiness. She only needs to look into the mirror to see the cause but she is too messed up to realize this.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

I was angry in the beginning but I know that's just a symptom of feelings of hurt and betrayal. It's becoming more of feelings of indifference now but every once in a while the anger will come back. There are times I think about the FB messages or all of the texts and phone calls and the anger grows. Thankfully the anger is less and less, perhaps it's from desensitizing. All I can say, is let time heal the wounds, it does get better. Oh, and I am in IC which has helped tons!


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