# Menopause, what should I expect?



## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

My wife is apparently going through menopause (she will be 45 soon) and I am seeing some extreme behavior. I'm not sure what to think of it. I don't know if its menopause or hatred for me or what! 

How extreme can things get during menopause?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Interested in replies because I'm 44 and noticed the last 3 months I will cry at the drop of a hat the week before my period and I've never had PMS before. I hate not having control of my emotions but have learned to recognize it and compensate.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Oh yes, the mood swings. That's our biggest challenge at the moment. I found a book (link below) that helped US understand a little better, particularly my poor H who was beside himself trying to figure out what was going on. This book helped us both understand what to expect. 

"No,It's Not Hot In Here",A Husbands Guide to Menopause: **** Roth: 9780965506731: Amazon.com: Books


Hope you find it as helpful as we did!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Get a seat belt, a box of tissues, and a 48" remote control ceiling fan for over the bed. Oh, smile, reassure and pray for the patience of a saint. Remember it's not terminal and it will pass after a long duration.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

What about angry outbursts?
She gets so angry at me over nothing and talks to me like I'm a dog... is this something within the parameters of menopausal behavior?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

cone - I can relate. My W (45 yo) thinks she is in perimenopause. I googled it, and kept finding posts along the lines of - "Why do I suddenly hate my husband so much?" 

Strap in, and read up on the subject...it's a tough ride. Anchor's suggestion for the ceiling fan is dead-on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Yep, it's all hormone driven rage. Smile and patience. But keep your boundaries during this loooong period. After she calms, discuses the AO and let her know you know what she's going through but you won't be treated badly. Then make sure you do at least 15-20 hours a week of bonding together. Not in front of the TV.

Oh BTW, everything is your fault. lol


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Remember it's not terminal and it will pass after a long duration.


Define "long" in this context.



anchorwatch said:


> Yep, it's all hormone driven rage. Smile and patience. But keep your boundaries during this loooong period. After she calms, discuses the AO and let her know you know what she's going through but you won't be treated badly.


I've found the rage will really sneak up with out warning, unlike "normal" rage that will build. She recently crossed the line, we later discussed it and we're OK again. Understanding what's going on is helpful and she mentioned the hormones but didn't use them as an excuse. I really can't complain, I've gotten off pretty easy so far, she's 50.



thunderstruck said:


> Anchor's suggestion for the ceiling fan is dead-on.


True. Also it's getting cold at night here, I need to dig out my "bed socks", because the bedroom window isn't closing until late spring, no matter what the temp outside is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Menopause is NOT a disease. It REALLY upsets when people think they need to batten down the hatches and weather the storm. Our society has labelled menopause as an affliction and it IS NOT. It should be a time of celebration for a woman, not a time of trepidation.

(do I sound hormonal?   )

This is an awesome book

What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Menopause

Please google "Menopause is not a disease" and do some reading, then decide to celebrate this time of life with your wife instead of dreading it.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Oh but the HUGE challenge is to get her to celebrate it... I'll do whatever she needs. My fear is that she may succumb to the irrational behavior and leave/divorce me...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

cone said:


> Oh but the HUGE challenge is to get her to celebrate it... I'll do whatever she needs. My fear is that she may succumb to the irrational behavior and leave/divorce me...


Why on earth would she do that?? We don't turn into raving lunatics just because of menopause. If she's unhappy in the marriage, stop blaming it on the menopause and start looking for the REAL reason.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

a dry pu$$y and mood swings. buy smoe KY and lots of alcohol for self medication.

LOL just joking its different with each woman.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Hope the alcohol is for you....... alcohol will make the dryness worse as it does dehydrate those who partake.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Define "long" in this context.
> 
> *Five years on and off. How's that for long?*


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> We don't turn into raving lunatics just because of menopause.


I think its great that you don't but some women do...


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm in the exact same boat. My wife is about 45 and going through menopause. It got bad about two months ago. She barely speaks to me, won't touch me, yet sometimes she will say she loves me as if she's fighting something. She told me recently that she's trying not to be angry with me.

I finally tried talking to her about it last night, which failed miserably. I ended up feeling like the spawn of Satan. Speaks of me like I'm a dog, as the other poster put it. It's as if she is blocking out every positive fact from the recent past, and misunderstanding everything I say to the point of being irrational. I'm 100% convinced there was not one thing I could say apart from "You're right" that would have made her feel even the least bit better.

I've been down a similar road before when she got post-partum after our first child, which was truly a nightmare that lasted six months until we found the right medications. At least now I can keep my head on straight and not take it so personally.

Based on advice in this thread, it sounds like I really need to keep my cool, keep showing I love her, and just ride out the storm. I obviously made a mistake last night by confronting it.

According to Hope1964, I'm supposed to approach my wife for a menopause celebration date. I will report back on how many slaps I get from her for even daring to suggest that her feelings are based on hormones rather than facts...


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> We don't turn into raving lunatics just because of menopause. If she's unhappy in the marriage, stop blaming it on the menopause and start looking for the REAL reason.


I'd tend to agree with Hope, any more than you can tell us? cone, you say "angry outbursts", "over nothing". Nothing, really? Does she ever say "sorry, I may have overreacted"? Is this now 24/7? How was her temper before? 

anchorwatch, 4 years behind us, the tough part is knowing when it is actually done, the proverbial fat lady doesn't sing. I think W thought she was done, no period in 2012 until a few weeks ago. But still, there was only a single "angry outbursts" and then back to normal. <Insert "normal lunatic" joke here  >

chillymorn, Liquid Silk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

cone said:


> I think its great that you don't but some women do...


That's ridiculous. Men like to blame women's hormones for a lot of things that they should be looking a little deeper for. She's mad at you? Must be PMS. She's pregnant? OMG duck and cover, man. Menopause? Oh crap, get our the touque and shield, buddy. Most of it is ridiculous.

The sad thing is, if a woman goes to her dr. wondering what's wrong with her, the dr is liable to prescribe HRT or tell them just to deal. That book I linked earlier was a godsend to me - EVERY woman should read it. This one too

What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About PREmenopause


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

it has always been my habit to NOT blame menopause/hormones, etc. I would always blame myself for possibly not doing something right or not responding correctly to her. Through communication I have worked through those things and thought things would get better. Well, now I truly handle things ok most of the time and she will go off into a rage anyway! Seemingly worse now that she can't blame me like she used to. other factors will set her off, the kids, etc. but the anger is always focused on me. Her angry rants are almost 100% of the time about things I have never done, it is things her ex-husband or poeple in her life have done. So yes, it may not be about "nothing" but now, most of the time, it is not somehing I have done.... to be on the recieving end, it can only be viewed as irrational since I should not be the focus of the anger.. 

When she is not angry she says I am the best husband in the world and she is lucky, she doesnt deserve a man like me, etc etc.... I tend not to believe all that but I figure she wouldn't say it at all if I was a horrible husband.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

heavensangel said:


> This book helped us both understand what to expect.
> 
> "No,It's Not Hot In Here",A Husbands Guide to Menopause: **** Roth: 9780965506731: Amazon.com: Books


Thanks! I just ordered it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

cone said:


> I would always blame myself


I think your wife has the problem, and it isn't hormones. Does SHE blame her attitude on menopause?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I think your wife has the problem, and it isn't hormones. Does SHE blame her attitude on menopause?


You asked cone about this, but I'll jump in. My W does often blame menopause and her hormones after she blows up. At the same time, she refuses to do anything about it.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

Hope1964 said:


> I think your wife has the problem, and it isn't hormones. Does SHE blame her attitude on menopause?


When she is thinking clearly, she does. She more blames her daily work and dealing with the two younger children but It is my opinion that she is less able to deal with those things now due to menopause. In her 30's, I'm sure she handled those same things much better. She says she did... (We married 5 years ago).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> You asked cone about this, but I'll jump in. My W does often blame menopause and her hormones after she blows up. At the same time, she refuses to do anything about it.


That's just wrong IMO. Do you think she'd read those books I posted?

It's possible hormones can exacerbate things I suppose. There are so many things we can do about it, though. Women shouldn't just assume they have to live with hot flashes and mood swings, and men shouldn't either!


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

For me, the late stages of menopause brought a deep yearning for my husband, I wanted to experience him more on a intimate level. It also spurned me to fix many things in my life. Sex is above awesome, I feel as if me and my husband are reaching cosmic levels of the big O.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm 45 and I take herbs that balance my hormones.. I believe they saved my marriage and possibly my life.

As much as I feel for the husbands here can I just say that for your wives it can also be torture. When I was at my worst I was having some really really dark thoughts...every month.
I have never been this way in my life and it really scared me. I was so overwhelmed by even the smallest thing. I felt that I was unable to cope and useless and helpless, none of which are words i would usually use to describe myself.

There were times i thought hubby and my kids WOULD be better off without me... I thought about running away and worse.

I'm on a even keel now, still have moods but I doubt I scare anyone these days. I so appreciate my husband supporting me through that time... I know it was tough on him. So hang in there...talk to her (when shes feeling good) ask her how you can support her. 

And yes!!! Every woman is different... I've never once had a hot flash or a night sweat. Dryness definitely isn't an issue and I'm sex mad. It all depends on which hormones she is lacking or dominate in.

HOPE1964 - I'm going to try and find that book. I'd like to be able to see menopause as something to celebrate. I've not been able to see it that way at all so far.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

waiwera said:


> HOPE1964 - I'm going to try and find that book. I'd like to be able to see menopause as something to celebrate. I've not been able to see it that way at all so far.


What are we to be celebrating? The journey (perimenopause) or destination (menopause)?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I'll be celebrating menopause/a new beginning...with the focus away from reproduction and children.

Every month my body prepares for a baby (of which i had three) my breasts get tender and my mood changes. I have a period every 24-28 days and bleed for 3-5 days which is something I've dealt with for about 33 years. I have headaches, bloating, stomach and back aches...

Shall i go on??

Perimenopause just made all of the above more difficult for me.

With menopause I look forward to my focus moving more back towards my husband and me and our next adventure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's only recently in history that women have been told menopause is something undesirable. Part of that is our way of life - unhealthy eating and fitness habits etc have led to more severe symptoms. Traditionally, menopausal women were seen as wise and looked up to.

from Celebrate Menopause
"Celebrating menopause as accomplishment rather than as a calamity will improve her self-esteem. She should continue to be herself. After all, when a woman reaches menopause, it shows strength and resilience. Menopause is saying, woman, you have arrived. You have weathered many storms, and you are still here because you are strong. So, celebrate me, celebrate life, celebrate menopause, it's been earned, pass it on as a lived experience.

Menopause is a sign earned maturity. On reaching this phase of your life, your maturity shows that you have gained a wealth of experience with a legacy that can be shared. The way in which you deal with hot and cold flashes, excess sweating, mood swings, or the occasional strange feelings that you hardly understand herself- but cope with any way; could become a source of encouragement for a sister, a daughter, a friend."


from 10 Reasons to Celebrate Menopause
10. Your children are becoming young adults and able to feed and care for themselves (hopefully!), so you can start making the meals that appeal to you not your kids.

9. Your body no longer is on the roller coaster ride of a menstrual cycle, giving back those days each month you spent suffering from cramps and bloating.

8. You can take all the money that used to be spent on tampons, pads, pain relievers and birth control and put it towards a vacation.

7. Your brain shifts from caregiver to others to caretaking yourself.

6. You can rediscover your youthful dreams, hopes and desires or create new ones.

5. You can say no. Not maybe, we'll see, or let me get back to you--just no.

4. You can say yes--to what you'd really like to do, not what others would like you to do.

3. You can become an athlete. It's never too late! Go ahead and work toward your dream of running a half marathon, or train for that bike trip through Tuscany you've dreamed about.

2. You can keep learning. The brain responds with positive neural changes when used, so read, write, think and learn.

1. You can fly. Think of your life in terms of a butterfly; it's your turn to emerge from the chrysalis, spread your wings and fly!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Oh wow i love it!

I've spoken/felt many of those words. 

I love #1.. butterflies are my 'thing'. I have them on the walls, on cushions, on blankets, my tattoo...

They are a lovely symbolism for menopause I believe. Proving that the second half of life can be even MORE beautiful than the first.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> That's just wrong IMO. Do you think she'd read those books I posted?
> 
> It's possible hormones can exacerbate things I suppose. There are so many things we can do about it, though. Women shouldn't just assume they have to live with hot flashes and mood swings, and men shouldn't either!


I doubt she'd read those books, at least not if I was the one who passed the titles to her. 

Any discussion between us on this subject tends to go nuke within seconds. For now, as far as I know, she is choosing to live with hot flashes, mood swings, waking up at 3am covered in sweat, etc.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

So we are talking destination? 

_"menopause is something undesirable"_, sorry I didn't get that memo. Wife and I will certainly be celebrating the destination (menopause). She can't get there soon enough! 

I think many men, here and IRL, are primarily referring to the journey. They (wife and I too) approach that with some trepidation. To paraphrase her, "Are we there yet?"

Thanks all, good stuff, helpful.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am not sure there's a cut and dried line. Medically, menopause is said to occur when there's been no period for 12 months. Prior to that they say you're having pre or peri menopause. That's just an arbitrary thing designated by mainstream medicine. But I don't really differentiate, myself. My mom still gets hot flashes and she's in her 70's so I am not sure why being in 'menopause' is better or worse than 'premenopause'.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> But I don't really differentiate, myself.


Maybe I do need a book, my sole knowledge on the subject comes from my wife. I assumed she'd be an expert, but she wouldn't necessarily be one. Wife does differentiate and thinks, or at least tells me, everything will be rosy when it's over. Thanks again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It isn't just your wife - it's mainstream medicine that differentiates between the two. My opinions are going to differ from those of anyone who subscribes to mainstream theories


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

For me peri-menopause has brought hot flushes, mostly at night, waking up at 2:00am and not being able to get back to sleep & extreme mood swings.
The mood swings may be exacerbated by the tiredness from not sleeping. The hot flushes annoy the crap out of me. I take some herbal supplments when they are bad. I recognise the mood swings & try not to take them out on my family.
You definately can go through stages of being sex crazed, but also through stages where you would rather ram a stake into your husband than go near him. There is vaginal dryness, but this can be handled.
I used to get mild pre-menstrual symptoms, peri-menopause has made them more extreme, but also, for me, less frequent, only every couple of months.
Yes, it is a time of change in a woman's life, but you can control the way you talk & act to other people, it is not like a woman becomes possessed by the menopause demon & cannot control what comes out of her mouth. If I feel snappy, I will tell my family & husband that I feel this way & go & chill for a while until it passes.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Maybe I do need a book, my sole knowledge on the subject comes from my wife. I assumed she'd be an expert, but she wouldn't necessarily be one. Wife does differentiate and thinks, or at least tells me, everything will be rosy when it's over. Thanks again.


'Rosy' Hmm, I don't think I'd call it that. 'Different' is more the word I'd use.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I also just remembered the "journey" is literally translated as "years of change" from her native language.

I'm sticking with "rosy" for now, but "different" as in I may never be able to close the window in the winter? If that's the worst (and it is so far), we'll be fine.


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## reboot (Oct 9, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I'm 45 and I take herbs that balance my hormones.. I believe they saved my marriage and possibly my life.


Can you share what you've been taking? Or do you think it's something that each person would need to discover on their own what works?


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