# My husband wont let go during an argument



## lfw0514 (Apr 26, 2021)

Me and my husband have dated for 1.5 years and married for 7 months. We just have our newborn daughter. I feel like I definitely rushed into our marriage and should've left him when he was showing instability in his mental state. We don't sleep in the same bedroom due to his snoring issue became unbearably loud since his weight gain. 

My husband is a totally different person in the morning and night. During the day he can be very sweet and caring. He will come home from work and share with me about his day at work but then when it's evening he becomes moody, especially after drinking few glasses of wine.

We have had a couple of serious fights in the last couple of months. The most recent one was today. 

Just tonight, when we were both in the living room. He fell asleep after he had a glass of wine and was snoring really loud on the lounge. I was sitting next to him reading my book and listening to music. Worrying that he was going to tip the wine and also it was bothering me with his snoring. I ask him "can you please go to bed as it was only 8 pm you are snoring loud and it's disturbing me". I watched my tone and made sure I was very gentle talking to him. I have learned to leave him to go to bed first if it's 9 or 10 pm but I was not tired at that time. I repeated few times then he woke up and started swearing at me again and made false accusations about me. I tried to turn away but he kept following me and blaming me in my face. I then cried and begged him to go away but he wouldn't leave. I remained silent the whole time. He made it out that I carried on this argument. It doesn't matter what I did whether I talk back or being quiet. He would continue to blame me it's my fault how he became so angry or I always pick on him. He finally walked away after I called my dad on the phone because he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of my dad. 

This one time he screamed so loud that he startled our daughter that she cried and also frightened me. I got angry to push him away and he pushed back so I slapped his face. I know I shouldn't have physically touched him but he was very threatening to me as he behaved like he was going to punch me.

We have been to a counselor and she has advised us that as soon as the tension starts one of us should walk away and leave the scene. We should also watch our tone when we talk to the other person, and I should leave him on the lounge to let him sleep knowing he has a bad temper when be woken up.

I feel like it always comes back to the same argument. I took the counselor's advice. I watched my tone. I didn't start the battle. I walked away. None of it worked. My husband just carried on to argue with me. He said it was all my fault that he woke up angry because he would think there is something wrong that he did.

I definitely regret stepping into this marriage but it's too late. 
We have a daughter now and bought a house together. 
I am extremely unhappy in this marriage because I have to deal with his temper every second day. 
We barely chat now. No intimacy. No love simply it is. 

Can I call it an end, please?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to go to MC more than once or a few times. In counseling, did you H admit that he is a poor communicator and tries instead to manipulate and intimidate you? did YOU bring that up? If not, why not? The counselor is there to help you both mediate these types of issues.

You should NOT fear for yourself physically (or the baby). You are right -- you should NOT have hit him -- he could have called the cops.

Do you have family/friends you can talk about with this?
If you DO walk away, go into the babies room and shut the door. Will he stop then? Just keep repeating over and over and over "I'm not having this conversation until you calm down and can speak rationally". No matter WHAT he says, just say that.

I am very sorry you are going through this. The house and having a child will complicate any divorce. Have you consulted a lawyer?


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How old is the child?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Snoring is 'sometimes' curable, maybe better said, 'somewhat' curable.

Yes, weight gain can cause it, same with alcohol use.

Few people are willing to wear CPAPS or masks, or jaw tensioners, nose openers, yikes, you name it.

Yes, severe snoring can lead to dry throats and sleep apnea, deadly, sleep apnea.

He could go to a sleep clinic, but their cures and the long time success rate is not very good.

He needs to sleep in his own separate bed, maybe in his own room. This is terrible advice to a newlywed person, such as yourself.

I think his snoring is a minor symptom of some bigger problem in your marriage. You are unhappy and and are zeroing in on his snoring, as the cause.

Go to a different room when he snores.
Or, just get a divorce.

Many people snore, especially as they age. People who consume alcohol often snore, as do people who sleep on their backs. People who sleep on their sides 'wheeze' instead of snoring.

Um, yes.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Did the counselor even suggest that he stop drinking if he can't seem to control himself when he drinks?


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

lfw0514 said:


> he startled our daughter that she cried and also frightened me.


If your child frightens you then theres other issues at play.


----------



## lfw0514 (Apr 26, 2021)

zookeeper said:


> How old is the child?


She is 2 months old only
[


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Trident said:


> If your child frightens you then theres other issues at play.


I think she meant that husband freightened her


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Frankly, it is better to divorce now then in ten or twenty years, where your child will grow up in unhappy, miserable home. It’s a seller’s market in real estate, you should not have problem selling the house.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Just because you have a kid & a house doesn't mean you have to stay in this marriage. 

Before you do anything I suggest you attend a few Al-Anon meetings. It's a support group for people who love alcoholics. It will help you better understand why his personality changes after a couple of glasses of wine. 

As for waking him up for snoring in the living room, that outcome -- him screaming & starting a fight -- was predictable. I suggest you put a TV & a nice reading chair somewhere else in the house so you can move rather than disturb him & have to deal with his unjustifiable rage.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Trident said:


> If your child frightens you then theres other issues at play.


Try this: "he startled our daughter such that she cried, and he also frightened me."


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lfw0514 said:


> Me and my husband have dated for 1.5 years and married for 7 months. We just have our newborn daughter. I feel like I definitely rushed into our marriage and should've left him when he was showing instability in his mental state. We don't sleep in the same bedroom due to his snoring issue became unbearably loud since his weight gain.
> 
> My husband is a totally different person in the morning and night. During the day he can be very sweet and caring. He will come home from work and share with me about his day at work but then when it's evening he becomes moody, especially after drinking few glasses of wine.
> 
> ...


Your husband's problem is NOT that he won't let go during an argument, or that he won't follow the counselor's advice, or his temper...his problem is ALCOHOL. And it's not even that he drinks "too much"...it sounds like he has a problem if he drinks at all (which many people do).

I don't know why you need permission from anyone online to leave someone who makes you feel so unhappy and unsafe. You should have the answers right inside your own self about what is right for you and your child.
At the very least, you need to find a place to stay for a few days (to start) so you can get some space and begin to think about what your next steps should be and how to take them.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lfw0514 said:


> I got angry to push him away and he pushed back so I slapped his face.


This is dangerous. Do not ever initiate physical violence, because you might get hurt. That line must not be crossed. And like the counselor said, don't wake him up. I say this for *your *safety.


----------

