# How many of you believe that the best way to get over someone, is to get under them?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I used to think it was just men who did this- after they broke up or they were on a “break” they went back to an old lover or partner. 
Is it really just for the sex? The comfort, familiarity of that person, out of loneliness what?
In my situation it was the comfort level. I got hurt by a guy, and I went back to someone that made me feel good with his familiar touch.

It seems like now it’s more common- as people aren’t sure so they have several back ups just in case!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sorry! Not here!*


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Generally, I subscribe to this point of view but not with an old lover-do it with someone brand new! For me, it was for the ego stroke and to prove that I still was desirable to other men.

I wouldn't be able to revisit an old relationship, that wouldn't appeal to me.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Well the old lover was a good lover lol and I guess it boosted my ego to have that passion and for him to feel it as well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Does the old love know he is being used as a recovery tool?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is this the same guy who's a FWB that you wanted a different relationship with?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nope. When I am done with someone I am done forever


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Open minded- no I haven’t seen or talked to him since July.
Just a general question. I see this a lot in dating.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have a few old girl friends that I wouldn't mind if they used that tactic ....... but I suppose my wife wouldn't be supportive of my assisting their "emotional recovery" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I've never heard it phrased quite that way. What I've generally heard is "...to get under someone else/new." That is to say, get over someone by finding someone else. I suppose an old lover would qualify, but I'm not a big fan of the sentiment in general. I'm not into casual sex and when I'm done with someone I don't ever go back, so either version of the expression is a no-go for me. 

I find it's much better, for me personally, to get over someone by spending some time healing and dealing with the breakup before I attempt to find another relationship. For me, meaningless sex with an old lover or some new random would feel, well, meaningless. Jumping from one failed relationship directly into another (whether romantic or just sexual) just seems a lot like being in a constant state of rebound and a recipe for future failed relationships. I'm a big fan of healing between relationships so that you know what went wrong and what you could/should do differently next time. Hurt people just tend to end up hurting other people.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Does the old love know he is being used as a recovery tool?


But if so, did he care at all 😉??

He was just trying to be helpful.
(Obviously I have no idea 😊😊 but he might have been)

I can say in my single days I've "helped" when knowing that's all it was going to be, because I knew I was making that choice ahead of time, not her choice. 

So a guy may certainly be open to (comfort?) sex, I believe. 

Unless the request was from a woman I'd already decided was unstable or batspit crazy. Then it was uh, no. 

Even then, the not recognizing crazy aspect, I gave too much benefit of the doubt a couple times. I was young and dumb, but hey it was interesting.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> I used to think it was just men who did this- after they broke up or they were on a “break” they went back to an old lover or partner.
> Is it really just for the sex? The comfort, familiarity of that person, out of loneliness what?
> In my situation it was the comfort level. I got hurt by a guy, and I went back to someone that made me feel good with his familiar touch.
> 
> It seems like now it’s more common- as people aren’t sure so they have several back ups just in case!




Wouldn’t work for me. Getting behind them perhaps...

But seriously, that wouldn’t work for me for several reasons. Firstly....
oh screw it. Biology wins.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nope.....I move forward, not backwards.

Too many fish in the sea.

Going back to exes always seemed kind of lazy to me..... like one can't be bothered to put forth the effort to find someone new.

But I guess if both of you are available and both of you are on the same page then no harm.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There was this one time in my life that I really couldn't get over someone. Old flames didn't even occur to me. New flames couldn't get kindled. Eventually I just married a woman who looked a lot like her. It's way too big of a mystery for me. If I have to go through this again, my plan is to be single and unavailable for a very long time. And there will be very loud music.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

What you are suggesting sounds like something a codependent person might do. It would be healthier to be OK with being alone, and wait for a suitable partner to begin a new relationship.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope.....I move forward, not backwards.


I move forwards too. Then backwards. Then forwards again. And a few more times. >

Actually I remember a girl once that tried to have sex with me and was being quite forward about it for quite some time (she was very attractive, I just happened to like my future wife at the time and put all my focus onto her). She finally got fed up and went to sleep with another guy (whom she dated before and who never turned down anyone, girls OR guys...). I found it strange at the time as I couldn't think of a reason why this would have helped her. But I know of many other girls who did this too and it seemed to work for them. Perhaps there is something in sexual intimacy that is satisfying in itself, even if you don't especially want to date them. In any case, that was not a concept I was familiar with (and in hindsight, if that's something she was looking for with me, it would not have turned out what I needed in any case).
I also remember at the time being shamed by all my male friends for turning her down, against her will. (For a guy, to turn down woman's sexual advances was equivalent to sexual assault, but in reverse. At least that was the case in my time).


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I agree about going forwards. 

Except...

There was that one girl I slept with in high school... she could suck the barnacles off a submarine. Wow.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Partially agree but I tried and it did not work for me, I was lonely and was craving physical affection but the attention did not help me at all.

Some people I know though i helped a lot. just not for me, I needed to feel a connection to someone.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Whatever works. I prefer to move forward with someone new, but there are a few prior relationships that could stand revisiting for a short time. (We'd both know what's going on, of course, and go for it anyway.) Whatever breaks the rut in your thinking about someone who is recently gone, can prepare you to move on more easily.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Open minded- no I haven’t seen or talked to him since July.
> Just a general question. I see this a lot in dating.


I know of people who do go back to an old gf/bf after a breakup to try again but I wouldn't. There's a reason for breakups and that reason is usually still there months or years later. As far as hookups with someone I used to date, that's not something I would ever consider.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Sorry! Not here!*


No not here either. :surprise:

Having sex with an ex won't help you get over any break up.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Never even considered it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why go back to someone who you already rejected?
Too many fish in the sea for that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> *Why go back to someone who you already rejected?*
> Too many fish in the sea for that.


*...or for those who so unrespectfully rejected you?

More especially, by unconscionably cheating and infidelity!*


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It's best to move forward. Rushing to another bed, even and old one, is just going to retard your healing. Working toward indifference take developing a self reliant confidence. Being able to stand on your own without a partner propping you up should be the goal after a breakup. 

As for men doing that, I've never done that nor have I known men who have. Besides any woman who allowed that wouldn't be satisfying enough to fill the whole you feel after a breakup.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Wow im shocked this isn’t the norm lol. This has happened to me as well lot of my girlfriends. The guy just broke up or is taking a “break” and they need to feel validated or get the sex that’s not happening anymore.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> Wow im shocked this isn’t the norm lol. This has happened to me as well lot of my girlfriends. The guy just broke up or is taking a “break” and they need to feel validated or get the sex that’s not happening anymore.


I find it a lot in my dating life. I have had sex a few times with an ex. It wasn't something I was looking for. We just happened to run into each other and one thing led to another. 
In general, aside from those who imagine there is some connection between love and sex, many people do it. I have met plenty of women and men, who are either recently divorced or perhaps even just separated, who are out on the prowl for new partner(s). Many times they are coming out of sexless or abusive relationships and getting some strange acts to re-inflate egos deflected from years of neglect. I know it did for me. Knowing that you are still sexually desirable after being made to feel that you aren't is a good thing.
For me personally, my marriage was not technically sexless, but very near to it. Once or twice a month (if I was lucky) and then more duty sex than anything else. There was no passion, changing positions, trying new positions or anything but the same old same old. Whenever I tried to ramp it up or change things up, she either stopped me or got all in a huff that I was taking too long. I guess Facebook was more important - lol.
Now that I am out on my own, I look forward to a new partner. I no longer associate sex and love. I realize it is just a physical act and it is more enjoyable with another than it is by yourself. I do think that once you meet someone, that practice makes perfect. But until I meet someone like that I think I will just enjoy the single life and have fun. That is after all what life should be about. Especially in the first world.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Sue4473 said:


> Well the old lover was a good lover lol and I guess it boosted my ego to have that passion and for him to feel it as well.


I have never had the desire to get with an old lover. Though some have tried... But I think the REASON for the break up would make all the difference in the world. If you parted ways amicably simply because you know you weren't meant to be, I could see going back for some comfort love inbetween new relationships, especially if you were both on the same page regarding the seriousness of it. 

But if for example, someone cheated on and lied to me -- I would never get back in bed with them. My first husband tried that. We both wanted the divorce and were friendly and would still hang out sometimes -- went to the movies, out to eat, etc. I think just because neither of us had anyone better to hand out with. But at some point he confessed to me that he cheated on me throughout our entire marriage. :surprise: I was kind of beyond caring at that point because I was so relieved to be getting out of the bad marriage. But when he put the moves on me I was like "LOL are you freaking high? Nice try. Run along."


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Yea a no go on that! I’m sorry that happened.... and good points on other posters advice etc.
It is nice to feel wanted if you were in a previous relationship that there was no passion or desire.
That would be the biggest factor of me letting in an old love.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

It worked for me three times, so I am a believer. I only yelled out my exe’s name once with the next girl I was with. She was OK with it. It took me only one month to get over a cheating ex fiancé that was my girlfriend for 5 years. Almost married the rebound girl though. 

Then there was the girl I was with to get over the rebound girl who conned me out of money and then made excuses why we could not get married. This girl cheated walked into my living room where I was watching a football game with my three friends and asked us all if we wanted to gang bang her. True story. She was gone the next day. Then I met my wife to be an in one night I was over my last girlfriend. 

Sex releases Oxytocin which emotionally bonds you to your sex partner. If you are very susceptible to it as I am, having sex with someone else will form an emotional bond with the new sex partner to take the place of the last. Then again I do not waste time on what was and what I cannot change. So I move on very easily. There are way too many fish in the sea, many who are better than the last fish than to spend time moaning about my last girlfriend.


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