# Here we go again



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

My girlfriend recently moved out of our house, again. We have been together for 8 years and we have 3 boys. One is 10, hers from a previous relationship and we have twin boys that are 6.

She had left back on April 1 and moved in with a girlfriend of hers, renting a room. She had decided that she was moving out a couple of weeks before that, but we actually were getting along great after that, right up until when she moved out. Within a week or two of moving out she was seeing someone. It was actually someone she had known for a couple of years, a "friend" of hers, who I never met. Things weren't good between us. Then we were together for the twins birthday. She spent the night, though nothing happened. The next day we ended up at a bar, and came home to a wild time in bed. She didn't leave again until about a month ago. 

The whole time she was here then she kept her other place, but the only time she ever went there was to get more stuff. Things were pretty good for a while, then we both fell back into the same old routines. Her avoiding coming home and being somewhat distant, and me getting angry. But still, things were mostly good. Then one day we were talking about moving to Oregon, so she started texting her ex, as he lives there now. In fact the 10 year old has been up there for an extended visit. She was getting info on housing and such. This is while we had breakfast together. Then all of a sudden out of the blue she says that she isn't going, I can go if I want, but I shouldn't wait for her. That night she moved out again. 

Things were chilly, but not too bad for a couple of weeks. Then she spent the night and we had sex the next morning. She went off to work seeming cheerful. Talked to her later that morning and she sounded great, even gave me a hearty "I love you". A little while later I got a text from her, saying that it was a mistake and it would never happen again. We argued later that night, and she spent the night on the couch. The next morning we went to church together, a first for us. After church she brought up the argument again, and I ended up going off the deep end. As you can imagine that put the chill right back on. 

Last Thursday I got a call from her out of the blue, around 11 at night. We sat on the phone for about an hour, just chatting and laughing. When she hung up she gave me another of those "I love yous" that I could tell was genuine. Then it was right back to the chill the next day. In fact this past weekend was my birthday and she got me nothing, wouldn't even hang out with me. 

Of course, she is once again seeing that same guy. He has been a thorn in my side for years, and was often the reason for our arguments. She tells me that it's too late to fix it and that she has moved on. Yet today when she came over to grab some stuff she kissed me. 

As a little background, I have made some mistakes in the past. About 7 years ago I cheated on her one time with a friend of hers, when we were both drunk. She has never let go of that. I've also been out of work for a couple years, though I have been actively searching for a job every single day. When I first lost my job she said "no problem" and picked up some extra hours while I took on the job of raising the kids. But I believe that I actually may have finally found a job, I just need to get my commercial driver's license, which I am in the process of doing and should be complete in 2 or 3 weeks. We had also been talking of starting up a business together, which I might just go ahead and do anyway. I know I do have an anger problem, I believe that it might be depression. I have an appointment with a doctor next week. 

When we are good, we are great. She simply refuses to give up the past. I really don't want to see my family shattered for good. I am willing to do anything to put us all back together under the same roof where we belong. But I really don't know how to do that.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

I should also probably mention that I've been making the typical mistakes since this has happened. I've been texting her whenever I'm feeling sad or angry, sending way too many that are way too long and way too emotional. I've come at her with a mix of anger and sadness. It's been tough on me and I haven't been able to hide that. I know I need to try, just hasn't been working.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Look up the 180 on this site and implement it. I take it that you are not married? That is actually a plus. I know it is hard after being together that long but man if she has been seeing this other guy off and on for a while during the relationship then I would really consider getting out. Its clear by her actions she is stringing you along trying to keep your feelings in it to fall back on again.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

Well as far as I know, and I would like to believe it, is that there was nothing (at least physical) during the times we were together. I think she is mixed up and doesn't know what she wants exactly, but then again I have no idea what is really going on in her head at times. I will try to step back, I've been practically stalking her via text. Trying everything, and of course it hasn't helped one damn bit. Guess I have nothing to lose by trying this approach. Gonna be tough though.


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Yeah definately try it. If it doesnt work then it gives you enough time to start healing where doing what you are doing now is just going to prolong everything. It is a long road but hey we will all make it. Im sure she doesnt know what she wants but its evident that if you keep letting her do this it will never change. Keep your head up and read alot on here and Im sure there will be other people come along and give you some more opinions.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

I just found out that he has been dating someone else as well. Not sure if I did the right thing but I have tried to contact this other girl, sending her a message on facebook. Just seems that she has the right to know what is going on as well. Sometimes it's hard knowing right from wrong at this point, but I couldn't in good conscience keep this from her. What do you think, was it the right thing to do?


----------



## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Its the right thing to do but be prepared for backlash from your GF. Just tell her you wanted his GF to know what was going on too so she dont end up hurt.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There may be too much water under the bridge here. You both cheated and at least one of you was not/is not able to get past it. Now she's dating someone else.

Don't chase her. If she wants out--let her go.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> There may be too much water under the bridge here. You both cheated and at least one of you was not/is not able to get past it. Now she's dating someone else.
> 
> Don't chase her. If she wants out--let her go.


I know that is probably pretty good advice. It is difficult for me to let her go though. Anyone that has ever seen us together cannot believe that we are apart. And as I said, I would love to see my family together again. But I am trying to let go of it, just wish it was easier I guess.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daosa said:


> I know that is probably pretty good advice. It is difficult for me to let her go though.


Breakups ARE hard. Ridiculously hard. The thing is, the tighter you cling to her, the worse for you. She knows what you want -- to reconcile -- if she hasn't made the effort to come back to you/want to work on the marriage, then you've got nothing.

One person alone cannot hold a marriage together.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Breakups ARE hard. Ridiculously hard. The thing is, the tighter you cling to her, the worse for you. She knows what you want -- to reconcile -- if she hasn't made the effort to come back to you/want to work on the marriage, then you've got nothing.
> 
> One person alone cannot hold a marriage together.


Again, I'm sure you are right. I just can't believe how this is affecting me. One thing I failed to mention is my lifestyle. I am what you would know as an "outlaw biker", so the folks I associate with are what you might call hardcore. I have to shove this all down inside me around those close to me, seems to make it fester a little more. It's a terrible thing to know what you want, to see what you want, and not be able to get it. I'm not used to that.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, it's a significant part of your life where you were invested emotionally, financially, etc... and for years. 8 years is a long time. It's how long I was with my exH. So it's not wonder it's affecting you. It's not like you just had a one-off with her. She was a major part of your life and the mother of your children.

Re: your friends... I understand wanting to bottle things up, to appear strong, but definitely allow yourself to feel your feelings. Find a strong support group/friends/relatives that you can talk to about this. Therapy never hurt anyone either. I myself ascribe to the school of "Never let them see you sweat." I remember during or right after my divorce, a good friend of mine told me how well I was handling everything and it caught me offguard. I thought, "Wow, inside it feels like I am dying" but I guess I looked so strong on the outside.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

I just don't seem to be able to function. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't get her out of my head. All I want to do is get lost in a bottle somewhere, and put a little payback on this guy that has helped to ruin my family. I know it's not all him, but he's the one I could hurt and not feel any guilt about.


----------



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Its not worth it and a bottle is no solution. There is no question it hurts but violence or losing yourself in a bottle wont fix anything, it will only make things worse. Get outside, go for a run, get some exercise and get your mind off of it. I know its easier said than done but trust me it works.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The bottle will only leave you with a hangover. Get outside into the sun and/or go for a jog.


----------



## Daosa (Sep 7, 2011)

You know what? I've made a decision and I'm sure it's the right one because all of a sudden I am at peace with myself. I'm selling off whatever I can, giving away the rest. Then I'm getting on the bike and visiting friends and Brothers all across the country for a while. 6 months? 2 years? No way of knowing right now, just until I feel ready to come back here. Gonna miss my kids, but as it stands now I'm really not gonna be a good dad at the moment anyway. Too many issues of my own.


----------

