# Depressed Husband vs Unsure Wife



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

Hi all,

I never thought I'd ever be posting on here or even about this subject. I never ever saw my marriage being broken and unfix-able. Here goes.... 

About a month ago, my wife of 5 years and the mother of my beautiful 3 year old (almost) daughter told me she was unhappy, bored and felt neglected. 

News to me -my ears prick up instantly and listen. I take on board and start to process. Thinking about what I could do to 'fix' the situation and give my wife what she was telling me I had failed to provide her. If only things were that simple... if only.

Though further discussions:

* How long: She tells me that its been about 2 years, other times months... so I'm confused, but yet accept that any time frame is bad enough.

* How many times: This isn't the fist time she's told me (apparently). Now I can't say it is or isn't. But it IS the first time I've heard, understood or what ever... for me its the first time I understand what she is telling me.

* She's not in love with me because: She says she thought that as soon as she told me, things could progress and move on. Now she says conflicting things. Sometimes she explains that she doesn't feel anything because she had come to a point where she felt she was better on her own. Then at other times she'll explain it as she's been worn down over time and afraid to trust love again.

These things I find confusing and conflicting. I'm not sure what I should take or if its just the whirlwind of emotion.

On my part... friends have asked "is what she says true". I must admit ashamedly - Yes.

My personal history is one of loss and pain (won't include all the details here) but to protect myself and ensure ability to 'perform' whether that be at a social, a sport, school or in adulthood work. I process the loss or hurt... size it up, pack it in a box and move on. 

Since we got married - we hit financial problems, I lost my work, went on the dole... failed at trying setting myself up in business etc along with a move down to London where I was working stupid hrs and still being the lower earner in the household. 

We then moved back to out home... and I was blessed with a daughter... the light of my life. With that gift we also faced loosing the house from financial problems... again I found my self doing crap jobs just to bring in some money, whilst supporting my wife through episodes of pulling her hair out (almost literally).

Fast fwds 2 years... I'm not in a bad job, but it won't go anywhere... no progression and the pay is stable (due to being permanent) but it will top out where it is now. Money is tight but bills are being paid... just. Nothing much left to take us away sort of thing.

My drive over the past 3 years has been simply to provide for the house... or at least try to provide as much as possible... even though I'm the lower earner. 

I accept what my wife says about how I have made her feel. I can't escape that. But I've been so head down for the 2 years that life has simply past me by.

Following deeper discussions, it looks like I have or have had depression... shutting things away and being capable of absorbing new hurt like the loss of my father about 2 years ago comes a price. I thought it was just a bit of me I was loosing - I never thought I'd loose the person I was trying to protect and provide for. 

The absolute sadness of all this is the wife's position now. "I'm not sure if I want us" is such a hurtful thing to hear. To have so much love for someone, to be awaken from a black hole is brilliant - accept I've awaken into an alternative reality to when I went to sleep.

My feeling of loose over the last week or so has been overwhelming. The wife said she needed space. I didn't understand or accept that at first, then I came to understand it and agreed. That was until she said that she wouldn't move out to take some time. I had to.... and my daughter would stay with her. I lost it completely... and just left the house early morning. 

I had been having suicidal thoughts over the proceeding fee days but something always stopped me. That morning I set out to work... sent a farewell text to the wife sort of putting some business in order. Anyway... she Phones Police, they find me at work and it ends with me being sent home. 

I slept on the sofa for a few days, then come to the point where I thought I needed to move out. I started looking at houses etc on the internet to price things up but the wife told me to stop, and for the first time in a month.. cuddled me. For the past two nights, we sleep in the same bed but with no more than a counseling cuddle allowed. 

I'm struggling to find many positives, but every time I try and grasp hold of one to stop myself focusing on negatives and all the loss... it vanishes into fresh air in front of me. We can cuddle (sort of) at night, but come morning, she's cold to me again. I asked her about it this morning and she said she was in 'doing mode'. I explained that I understood everything thing she has said about her hurt as I felt it just then... and that 'doing mode' almost explains exactly the zombie mode I have been in for the past two or so years.

Communication broke down as she left to work... I'm left with our daughter to look after. I work 6 shifts on and 3 off. I have the little one all day when I'm off. On weekends we share as and when I'm home from work. Since she was born I have always taken care of our daughter..... so has my wife mind... its not been one sided at all. We haven't had a say off since she was born.

I have thought that she may have had PND or just depressed herself.. but don't know how to raise it or even if I should suggest she get help for herself. I don't want to look like I'm shifting blame, but am finding my own feelings changing slowly and becoming frustrated and angry. I know she is sad and hurt... she's not the only one. And its a classic situation - two people hurting. One is still ready to fight for the partnership the other isn't!

If your a man reading this - DO NOT take your wife for granted. DO NOT forget to make sure she knows and FEELS loved. If your a wife. Tell the poor man BEFORE its too late. Make sure he hears you... strap him down a draw a picture if you need to, but don't leave it run until it's too late. 

My point or question was clear when I started typing.. now like my life - its all got lost and muddled. I don't even know what I'm asking or why anymore I just wont my wife to Choice 'US'. Over choosing to go it alone and throw everything away. She says she's taken a step towards us, but sh's holding our wedding rings under the understanding that she will give me my ring back when she wants me as a husband and put hers on when she wants to be my wife. Not when things are fixed, but when she wants them to be... 

I've said this morning I can't do this anymore - this constant give me something, then take it away - like teasing a dog with a biscuit is literally ripping me apart and killing me inside. 

I'm lost and I don't think there is a happy ending. I've hurt my wife, and I hate myself for it... but It's my daughter that I feel most a failure for. I grew up with a broken family. My main aim in life was to NOT give the same to my child. I have done exactly that. I have failed m y Wife. I have failed my Child. 

I know people say get help with depression and you can get better. But honestly. I don't want to if that is the legacy I have to live with... I think my black hole of ignorance was far better. At least I knew what was what in it.

Sigh...


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Well it sounds as if you know the reasons that you find yourself here. 

I'm not sure what you're looking for. 

If you don't want help for fear of failure, you're too late. You have already failed so far.

So then why are you here? Venting, giving advice or just looking for sympathy?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suffered from depression for 20 years so I know how tough it is. I think if it were not for my kids I would have given up.

Your daughter is THREE and while your wife may not want to wait for you to heal your daughter is still there. A little girl needs her daddy to be healthy and happy. 

Please dig deep and find the will to fight. Do it for your daughter.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

aproudfather said:


> About a month ago, my wife of 5 years and the mother of my beautiful 3 year old (almost) daughter told me she was unhappy, bored and felt neglected.


I have seen many threads that start out this way. I can tell you that most of the time, there is another man in the picture. I'm not saying that your wife is having sex with another man. But I am telling you that there is a good chance that she, at a minimum, is interested in another man and wants you out of the way so that she can pursue another relationship.



> Since we got married - we hit financial problems, I lost my work, went on the dole... failed at trying setting myself up in business etc along with a move down to London where I was working stupid hrs and still being the lower earner in the household.


You hit hard economic times during the worst economy since the 1930s? Wow. You sound like a real monster. No wonder she wants to kick you out and start over with another man.



> I'm lost and I don't think there is a happy ending. I've hurt my wife, and I hate myself for it... but It's my daughter that I feel most a failure for. I grew up with a broken family. My main aim in life was to NOT give the same to my child. I have done exactly that. I have failed m y Wife. I have failed my Child.


As you have noted, marriage takes two. Divorce only takes one. If your wife chooses divorce over marriage, that is not your fault.

Were you a perfect husband? Probably not. Do imperfect husbands deserve having their families blown up by their wives? I don't think so.

Look at Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for information about the relationship dynamics in marriage. Also, look at The Healing Heart: The 180 for some advice on how to emotionally distance yourself when your wife has checked out of the marriage.

Also, I suggest you check up on your wife's activities. Look at her phone records. Is she calling a number you don't recognize often, or at odd hours? Is her email or Facebook activity suspicious? Does she guard her phone? Those are signs of an affair. If she is focused on another man, there isn't much you can do to gain her attention until the other man is out of the picture. If you find another man, post in the Coping With Infidelity section for advice.

Good luck.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

There could be another person in the picture, but it could also just be a wife who tried to tell or show her husband what she needed and wanted over the years and maybe you turned a blind eye, hence the surprise and shock when she said she was unhappy. And even if she didn't tell you verbally (which she may or may not have) Theres usually signs when a person is unhappy. Unfortunately, sometimes the damage is already done for some people. I say, be strong for your daughter, its all you can do really.


----------



## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> There could be another person in the picture, but it could also just be a wife who tried to tell or show her husband what she needed and wanted over the years and maybe you turned a blind eye, hence the surprise and shock when she said she was unhappy. And even if she didn't tell you verbally (which she may or may not have) Theres usually signs when a person is unhappy. Unfortunately, sometimes the damage is already done for some people. I say, be strong for your daughter, its all you can do really.


I sort of wonder the same thing. These forums can be very insightful for self exploration and real life examples. But sometimes these forums shoot straight to "your spouse is having an affair". Is this really always the case?


----------



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

Firstly. Thank you for the response. 

anchorwatch > I know where I went wrong. Further more I admit it and accept it. It that a reason not to post? My point of posting was to share my situation. If someone takes some advice from it, then fine as an example of what not to do. If others can relate to it, then it may help recognize they are not the only one. If some have advice I will listen.

I had no real self purpose in posting... I'm just lost.

Mavash > Thank you. It's loosing my daughter that hurts the most. Why? Because she is a passenger... she can't do anything other than do what we choice for her. I know being a separated Dad will still allow me to be part of her life... but its the mid night feeds, the potty training, the little new phrases that I will miss. Its the tucking her in at night and even nursing her through a cold or dealing with 'the scary Lions that she see at night'. That's whats killing me. My wife knows what she is doing... she can choice. My daughter can't.

PHTlump> I'll take a look at the link you signpost thank you. With regards my wife cheating - I know everyone says it... but I can't see it. She for one isn't built that way. She's probably too busy and she has said there isn't. Don't ask me to recessionalize why I believe her considering what's going on.. I just trust her. I can't see myself poking around phones and laptops checking up on her.

CallaLily> I think your unfortunately correct. I think what ever damage has been done is too much to get over. As I admit. She says she has tried to tell me before... but for my failing... It's now I hear her but its now she doesn't care if I do or not.

BostonBruins32> Yep - I noticed the same. Its easy to say 'cheat' when sometimes is our own fault. It would be easier for to take an affair as it takes away part of the rejection at least... the reason she would feel the need to still remains however. I don't think this is a case of a cheating wife.. I sadly think its a case of neglected wife.


----------



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

So today - The wife goes to work, leaving me with m daughter. Dinner time and the little one looks at me and says "Daddy, you not go away no?". 

I break down almost immediately... I can do nothing but hold the poor thing. I phone the wife in tears unable to speak with the little one saying "mummy... daddy sad".

30min latter - wife arrives to hand child over to her parents who have come to collect her and remove her from a now broken Daddy uncontrollably crying on the stairs. 

Emergency appointment at the doctors and I leave with a diagnoses of depression. Because of my work they understand my reluctance to go on meds, and have a repeat appointment in a week or so to check on progress along with a referral to the areas Mental Health Team. Plus a counselling session booked for tm.

We get home... and she starts to pack a bag. She said she was torn between looking after me and looking after out daughter. Long story short - she went to her parents to our daughter as she didn't feel that I am stable enough to bring the little one back to the house. ** just a note here. I am not violent or verbally abusive. She would say that herself. It was so the little one doesn't see daddy sad again - which I agree with to a degree. 

She still pushed wanting space... which selfishly leave me alone at the most vulnerable time of my life. Everything I ever wanted has slipped away and now I find out I have been carrying depression for a last few years, and emotionally break down at the slightest thought of what I have lost crosses my mind. 

She even says that who I am now isn't me. That 'me' is inside hidden away, and that I need help to find 'me'. But yet - can not make the choice of standing by me as a wife, only as an interested party.

I suppose this is where I prove Anchorwatch correct with fear of failing. As now I AM fearful, scared and lost. I am afraid that if I troll up my (quite painful) past and find 'me' again that she still doesn't love him. I have no idea how I will cope at that point.

I know many will be unable to fathom my current position; I don't wish to fix me for me. I only want to fix me for the marriage. If I don't have that reason... I don't really want to fix anything. I can hear the cry's of self pity already. But it's where I am now... 

A proud father once.. but now just a broken soul.

As painful as it is. My daughter is better off without me like this, and so is my Wife. If I was less self aware then I might be able to take the 'how dare she' position and blame everything on her... but I can't do that its unfair and not correct. 

What's really doing my head in - is she says that what I have been doing ( or not doing) wasn't 'me'. That she loves 'me' but can't decide if can choice 'us' with the prospect of 'me' after I get help and fix things.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

aproudfather said:


> Firstly. Thank you for the response.
> 
> anchorwatch > I know where I went wrong. Further more I admit it and accept it. It that a reason not to post? My point of posting was to share my situation. If someone takes some advice from it, then fine as an example of what not to do. If others can relate to it, then it may help recognize they are not the only one. If some have advice I will listen.
> 
> I had no real self purpose in posting... I'm just lost.


Sorry for being so gruff. I was prodding to see if you wanted to listen. 

Here is the reality of it. If you're no good to yourself, you can't be of help to anyone else. At this point it, this is not a revelation to you. Your wife knows this and is asking for you to be that man for her and you daughter. Your daughter doesn't know yet. If you do not make changes in your life, she will find out too. There is only one thing worse then wallowing in the mud, that's wallowing in the mud for one more day. 

You are lost. You have been crushed by the revelation, that she has lost respect and love for you. What can you do? You can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take the first steps at changing you life. This doesn't mean that you can save you marriage. It means you can save you, and as a result be in a better position to save your marriage. You can be a better person and as a result you family will benefit. 

You have already taken the first steps, by recognizing the problems.

Why not take the next? You could start by making an appointment with your doctor for your depression. 

Next you can start reading this today...
No More Mr Nice Guy

Reguards


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry for the cross post. 

You're ill! You need to take the meds right now. They will help you see your situation more clearly. Without them you will stay in a fog and not think clearly. You are making mistakes that are and will continue to devastate your life and that of your family. You don't even seem to be in good enough shape to be effective at work. Go back to the doctors and take his advice.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

BostonBruins32 said:


> I sort of wonder the same thing. These forums can be very insightful for self exploration and real life examples. But sometimes these forums shoot straight to "your spouse is having an affair". Is this really always the case?


It's not always the case. However, it is a frequent case. And any work the OP does to better his marriage will be useless if his wife is chasing another man.

Also, his original post in this thread sounded sufficiently vague as to be a wife detaching from her marriage to pursue another man. He said that his wife was unhappy, bored, and neglected. Also, that she is inconsistent and will first state that she has been unhappy for years, and then only for months.

Now, if his wife had said that she is unhappy because he has been beating her since last March, I would jump straight onto the "blame the OP" bandwagon. Ditto if he has gambled away $50k. Those are definite complaints.

Boredom isn't a definite complaint. It's frequently an excuse given so that the wife can get the kid over to her parents, get the husband out of the house, and get herself to Girls' Night Out.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

aproudfather said:


> PHTlump> I'll take a look at the link you signpost thank you. With regards my wife cheating - I know everyone says it... but I can't see it.


If you mean that internet commenters, based on a few paragraphs from you, think she's cheating, then we could be wrong. I'm using your description in conjunction with general tendencies I've learned from hundreds of other cases that have reported here. Your wife could be the exception. Or you could be misrepresenting some of the information. If you mean that your friends and family, who know your wife, believe she's cheating, then you need to open your eyes.



> She for one isn't built that way. She's probably too busy and she has said there isn't. Don't ask me to recessionalize why I believe her considering what's going on.. I just trust her. I can't see myself poking around phones and laptops checking up on her.


Well, I would bet that, up until recently, you wouldn't have thought your wife was capable of kicking you out of your own home and preventing you from parenting your own child. But that's what is happening.

If you think your wife is too morally perfect to commit the sin of adultery, you are wrong. Your wife isn't perfect. She is capable of adultery. All of us are. If you choose to trust her because you couldn't handle the knowledge that she is cheating on you, then you are making an informed decision that will impact your ability to preserve your marriage.

You can't win your wife back if she is having an affair. First, you must end her affair. Then, you have a chance at winning her back. If you choose to shut your eyes and hope for the best, your strategy is very risky and unlikely to work out.



> BostonBruins32> Yep - I noticed the same. Its easy to say 'cheat' when sometimes is our own fault. It would be easier for to take an affair as it takes away part of the rejection at least... the reason she would feel the need to still remains however. I don't think this is a case of a cheating wife.. I sadly think its a case of neglected wife.


I agree with you that most affairs are the result of an unhappy marriage. However, you must treat the symptom before you can cure the disease. If you ignore the symptom, you have no hope of curing the disease.

Good luck.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

To the OP, I'm sorry you"re going through this. Regardless of what's going on with your wife right now, you need to
take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So a wife tells her husband she's feeling neglected and she must be cheating. Typical TAM response. So we can't tell you we feel neglected because then we're cheating, but if we don't tell you and then leave we're waw's that did you wrong. Wow.
OP,, you are deep in the throes of depression. Everything in your post screams me, me, me, i'm a victim, poor me, woe is me. This is extremely unattractive; crying uncontrollably is extremely unattractive. It reduces your wife, who's already neglected, to being your mother. You're only getting cuddles in bed? Duh, who the h!ll wants to have sex with a crying child? And refusing to get help for you is very selfish because it puts enormous pressure on your wife; this way if the marriage doesn't work out or she doesn't react how you want you can guilt trip her because the only reason you bother getting up in the morning is for the marriage. It's actually quite manipulative. 
I know that was harsh and I do apologize but that's what is. You don't see this because you're in a depression fog, and I know you don't mean it. If you care about anyone besides yourself you must get to the doctor and get treated now! Once you do you'll have a different perspective on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> So a wife tells her husband she's feeling neglected and she must be cheating. Typical TAM response. So we can't tell you we feel neglected because then we're cheating, but if we don't tell you and then leave we're waw's that did you wrong. Wow.


Sorry. I didn't mean to upset the feminists out there. I'm really trying to be better about that. I'll rephrase my advice to be more palatable for you.

"OP, obviously your wife isn't cheating. Even though she has no specific complaints about you, and no specific time frame (months vs. years). That's because women are morally infallible and incapable of cheating. And if she were cheating, it would obviously be your fault because of your failure to properly serve your wife. So forget about looking into your wife's behavior and trying to win her back. You obviously aren't worthy of her feminine perfection. Just be grateful that she allowed you to bask in her glory for as long as she did."



> OP,, you are deep in the throes of depression. Everything in your post screams me, me, me, i'm a victim, poor me, woe is me. This is extremely unattractive; crying uncontrollably is extremely unattractive. It reduces your wife, who's already neglected, to being your mother. You're only getting cuddles in bed? Duh, who the h!ll wants to have sex with a crying child? And refusing to get help for you is very selfish because it puts enormous pressure on your wife; this way if the marriage doesn't work out or she doesn't react how you want you can guilt trip her because the only reason you bother getting up in the morning is for the marriage. It's actually quite manipulative.
> I know that was harsh and I do apologize but that's what is. You don't see this because you're in a depression fog, and I know you don't mean it. If you care about anyone besides yourself you must get to the doctor and get treated now! Once you do you'll have a different perspective on things.


While I am more understanding of someone who has been shocked by the ILYBINILWY speech than you are, I agree with much of your post. The OP will not win his wife back by wallowing in self pity, even if that self pity is understandable, and looking to his wife for affirmation. It projects weakness and is repellent to women.

He should project strength. Even if he needs medication. Even if he has to fake it.

Good luck, OP.


----------



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Sorry for the cross post.
> 
> You're ill! You need to take the meds right now. They will help you see your situation more clearly. Without them you will stay in a fog and not think clearly. You are making mistakes that are and will continue to devastate your life and that of your family. You don't even seem to be in good enough shape to be effective at work. Go back to the doctors and take his advice.


The sad thing... Work is, or should I say was my coping mechanism. 

Problem is - I'd thrown myself so hard into work to cope with other hurts in my life over the past few years - you end up creating a destructive cycle of 

Shut off from emotion (therefore pain) to ensure I function at work = cope via Escape + Emotional Detachment. 

A fantastic function to ensure you work yourself to death, but absolute crap at maintaining a relationship.


----------



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> So a wife tells her husband she's feeling neglected and she must be cheating. Typical TAM response. So we can't tell you we feel neglected because then we're cheating, but if we don't tell you and then leave we're waw's that did you wrong. Wow.
> OP,, you are deep in the throes of depression. Everything in your post screams me, me, me, i'm a victim, poor me, woe is me. This is extremely unattractive; crying uncontrollably is extremely unattractive. It reduces your wife, who's already neglected, to being your mother. You're only getting cuddles in bed? Duh, who the h!ll wants to have sex with a crying child? And refusing to get help for you is very selfish because it puts enormous pressure on your wife; this way if the marriage doesn't work out or she doesn't react how you want you can guilt trip her because the only reason you bother getting up in the morning is for the marriage. It's actually quite manipulative.
> I know that was harsh and I do apologize but that's what is. You don't see this because you're in a depression fog, and I know you don't mean it. If you care about anyone besides yourself you must get to the doctor and get treated now! Once you do you'll have a different perspective on things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear you... and to be fair. I think I owned up to failings in my first post. I accept that I did a little wow is me. I challenge anyone who has just had their world disappear to not.

Having been to a Councillor today (which is strange experience in itself) - I walked away initially a little discouraged and didn't feel it helped much. Then with time to reflect I've started to bring some hope back into my life and can see at least where all this has come from.

The struggle is the balance of whilst having a goal - remembering that ll may still be lost. On a good mood swing I can see myself regaining the real me. On a negative swing I just sink into a deep black whole. 

So - situation;

She's still at her parents. I'm staying in the family home. She would like me out by Sunday (where I go is of little concern to her), although she says she's concerned.

She wants space away from me, to for what she says to clear her head and see what can be built from where we are (start from base she calls it). But since my little episode the other day where I broke down in front out child - she is further away from seeing a future.

I asked her to come with me to my appointment as my wife, committed to the relationship. She did not. She said she would come to support me but could not come under that condition. Unfortunately - she caught me on a negative swing so I said don't bother. Mistake I know on both counts. 

I'm also recognizing depression in her... from research that would also make sense as I understand it spreads. I'm unsure how to go about suggesting it to her though in case she just thinks I'm deflecting.


----------



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

Recent update:

I moved out of the house on the agreed date, then found out she wasn't moving back in for another week from her parents. On knowing this... I decide to return to the house to show lights and a car etc to give the impression that someone was living there to find the locks changed.

The wife is the sole owner mortgaged. I moved into the house a year after she bought it.. and contributed on an equal footing for all the bills.

I requested access... she told me legal advice she took said that I needed to proof ownership for that - and that sits with her.

Internet searches seam to indicate that I have 'home rights' and 'right to occupy' by virtue that we are married and it has been the marital home for the past 5 years.

I have started registering an interest in the property with the Land Registry to protect the financial interest in the house (although I'm not interested in it for myself, but its something I can give to my daughter when shes older).

So - she turns around and says she felt neglected. Kicked me out and changed the locks. She won't speak to me over the phone, or face to face. I was told we were over via text. I was told to move out via text.

She is also playing a game of a 'victim'. There has NEVER been violence or a threat of violence... ever. But she says she's uncomfortable speaking to me, she's changed the locks as she was afraid and scared to even travel in the car with me to a function for our child (with us in the car). But she won't tell me why. No reports to Police or anything... never needed to. I know why - it's because its never been there to report.. but yet she continues to build this picture of me as a monster.

She's expecting me to continue to contribute to the same level as I did whilst I was living there... but yet hasn't started divorce papers yet. They may be in the post no I've said that. But she will say we have no future together. 

I offered a co-habitation agreement where we pool resources to the sake of the child, so we can provide a good home for the kid, but she won't or can't see that we will both be unable to provide the current level of housing for our child through two homes. Simply not enough money.

So - what am I asking?

1) Home rights and right to occupy. Are they one of the same?
2) How to do enforce the rights once established... assuming I wanted to?
3) How do I stop these false accusations and false picture of me as some monster... do I go for slander or something to get them to stop?
4) I still have possessions in the house. I don't have anywhere to live (staying at a mates currently). Does she need to look after them or can she just dump them outside to get stolen or wrecked?
5) How do I enforce access to my child?

I don't recognize my wife anymore... She won't talk, not even to explain why this is happening. Just blank and poke constant. She's hurting me where she knows it will most. Controlling access to the child, although quite clever. Initially very open, then slowly changed arrangements to reduce the time I can spend and freedom I have with my own flesh and blood. One thing she always used to say was is I was an amazing Dad.

Its heartbreaking to be unable to talk to the person you love anymore. Nightmare situation. One I know I should walk away from, but one I can't. I love the Child so much - I just don't want her to grow up being bounced between Mummy and Daddy. She's only 3, but she knows Mummy and Daddy don't live together and gets sad about it. I always tell her I love her... and she cuddles me and smiles. Poor thing must be so confused. She always sees me leaving. It heartbreaking.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Get yourself a lawyer/solicitor to find out what your specific rights are where you live and defend them. ASAP 

Do not let her run over you any further. You may have lost your wife, do not allow her take your daughter too.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you are clinically depressed (it appears that way), then you have an illness & shame on your wife for not standing beside you & supporting you during your time of need. You may have been depressed for a long time & she did not see you trying to get better & is tired of it. I am begging you to seek help for your daughter's sake. One possible side effect of severe depression is suicide. My Mother committed suicide & it is a terrible thing for a child to deal with.


----------



## aproudfather (Nov 25, 2013)

Emerald said:


> If you are clinically depressed (it appears that way), then you have an illness & shame on your wife for not standing beside you & supporting you during your time of need. You may have been depressed for a long time & she did not see you trying to get better & is tired of it. I am begging you to seek help for your daughter's sake. One possible side effect of severe depression is suicide. My Mother committed suicide & it is a terrible thing for a child to deal with.


The Doctor, Mental Health Worker and Counciller all say the same. Underlining depression over the past few years that peaked during recent events. Main cause established as bereavement; that of my mother when I was a child, then growing up in a broken family environment and two years ago the death of my father.

I went through the thoughts of suicide and something inside me (or someone looking after me) kept me from actually doing it. Those thoughts are now gone, maybe because I'm facing so much other things going on now - that its actually distracting me from self pity 

I'm having sessions to gain new mechanisms for emotional withdrawal, finding the mate who I'm staying with extremely kind and helpful to drag me out of depression and am about to start sessions for bereavement issues.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

aproudfather said:


> I hear you... and to be fair. I think I owned up to failings in my first post. I accept that I did a little wow is me. I challenge anyone who has just had their world disappear to not.
> 
> Having been to a Councillor today (which is strange experience in itself) - I walked away initially a little discouraged and didn't feel it helped much. Then with time to reflect I've started to bring some hope back into my life and can see at least where all this has come from.
> 
> ...



Maybe it's good for you to be away from your wife for a bit? You two probably have an unhealthy dynamic that's hard to break as long as you continue to engage the same way you always have. .Old habits die hard.....stop asking her for anything. Rebuild your life and then decide if you still want her; the answer may surprise you. Once you remove yourself from the role of victim you'll find power you didn't know you had. And hammer out a fair support agreement for your child; she's smoking crack if she thinks your financial support will remain the same if you don't live there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

