# How will I get over this



## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

I was with him for 4 years. Everything seemed fine until I found out he cheated on me. We went from best friends and lovers to strangers who hate each other in a blink of an eye. 

It's only been 4 days but I feel like this pain will never go away. I'm sad knowing he is with this other woman, moving on and happy while I am alone and sad. 

I just need words of encouragement and advice. This is so unbearable.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Sorry you're here, honey.

Are you married? Any kids? Has he moved out? Just trying to gauge what kind of advice to give you.

I can tell you that the pain does get more bearable, and eventually, it does end (so I'm told). It's been almost a year for me since D-Day. I felt like I was barely breathing at times for what seems like months. I lost 30 pounds in 1.5 months because I just didn't feel like eating. I got zero sleep. My son and my job were the only things that kept me going.

I'm eating normally again - even watching what I eat now because I've enjoyed being super-thin and want to stay this way. I'm sleeping normally again, too - that took longer to come back, but it did.

In these early days after the horrible D-Day (made moreso by an unremorseful partner - I know), please just try to be as gentle as possible with yourself. First and foremost, do not blame yourself. No matter what he's said. The blame for cheating rests solely on the cheater. Find supportive friends and family and tell them what's going on - do not protect him, or worry you'll drive him further away by telling people - he's already gone. And you will need the face-to-face support of people you care about - it will carry you through on the hardest of days.

And keep posting here. TAM is full of folks who've been where you are, unfortunately for us all, and have some really good advice and lots of support to offer.

Hang in there. I promise it won't always be as bad as it is right now. It will even be OK again someday, even though it doesn't seem like it.

Again, really sorry you're here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know this is hard. Not fair at all.

Have you told anyone ..friends? family? You need to build a support system to get you through this. 

Look at the link in my signature block below for the 180. That is how you need to interact with him at this time. You need to protect yourself. that is what the 180 is about. 

Do you have children with him?

How did you find out that he is cheating?

Do you know who she is? Does she work with him?

How long has he been cheating?


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## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I know this is hard. Not fair at all.
> 
> Have you told anyone ..friends? family? You need to build a support system to get you through this.
> 
> ...



We were not married but common law. To me we were married without the paperwork I gues. No kids. I had to move be out

I found out looking on his Facebook. I'm in Canada she is in California. He went there in July for work and again in December "for work". He hid it so well for 6 months. My friends and family know all about it and everyone is telling me I deserve better. I know I do but it's just so hard. Just getting out of bed is hard. I can't stop thinking of him and all of our memories


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

All any of us can say, is you are not alone. Honestly it is the worst thing I have ever gone through. But @Nomorebeans is right. It does get better. Just not in four days. Or probably in four months. It's been 15 months since my ex and I split and 11 months since I learned he had been cheating on me. And I still every day, have to remind myself that he is not the person I loved. He is a stranger in a familiar body. This is a complete shift in your world, and it takes time to accept it. Be gentle with yourself. It's really all anyone can advise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What sort of things do you do for yourself?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is that it's almost a guarantee that you will be vindicated in the future because he is doomed to be unhappy. 

I am about 2 years out of this and it still hurts. But nothing like it Did the first few months. It only started getting better when I accepted what happened. 
I still have bad days. But not often. The first year the bad days were close together. The first 6 months were all bad. I lost 30lbs in two months. I didn't want to eat.

But, it did get better. I've had to watch my ex look on dating sites for men within days of being separated. See the kind of sexts she sent other men. See the **** pics they sent her, and the pics she sent them. See my kids hanging out with the new man that replaced me. 

But, I know what she is, and what I am. I see things clearer now. I see my life is not over. I'm now with a new woman who is quite an upgrade over my ex in every way. 
I don't miss her anymore.

I promise that eventually you won't either. You will start having days you won't even think about him. They will get more frequent. 
You WILL get through it. It won't be easy. But you'll be a stronger person. 
I'm sorry. Hang in there. It gets better. Take it hour by hour, day by day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What happened to you is devastating. You had the carpet pulled out from under you. From the person you loved and trusted above all others none the less. It will take time to recover. Would meds help you? I had to take antidepressants and anti anxiety meds when my X left me after being married 21 years. The meds didn't get rid of the pain, but it made it more manageable. Don't be afraid of meds if your feelings become too overwhelming.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

medes90 said:


> I was with him for 4 years. Everything seemed fine until I found out he cheated on me. We went from best friends and lovers to strangers who hate each other in a blink of an eye.
> 
> It's only been 4 days but I feel like this pain will never go away. I'm sad knowing he is with this other woman, moving on and happy while I am alone and sad.
> 
> I just need words of encouragement and advice. This is so unbearable.


It just takes time, the first month is the hardest. Try to take care of yourself, don't forget to eat, exercise and get together with people. If you cant sleep, at least try to lay down and rest.


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## medes90 (Dec 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What sort of things do you do for yourself?



Last 4 years I stopped doing things I enjoyed so I honestly don't even know what I enjoy anymore. I need to figure out my life all over again.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

medes90 said:


> Last 4 years I stopped doing things I enjoyed so I honestly don't even know what I enjoy anymore. I need to figure out my life all over again.


It will get better. Just keep repeating those words in your head until it becomes a mantra. You won't see the change right away. It might seem hopeless...but you will get there.

I know the feeling. Haunted by memories of the past. A mess in the present...and the future seems impossible to even consider.

It's like being in a boat in the middle of a gigantic storm. Don't think about finding safe harbor right now...or any kind of calm water...just work towards allowing the storm to settle down a bit. 

I sometimes feel like I'm so caught up with worrying about the present and missing the past that when I get a chance to breathe I forget to even take a breath. Don't forget to breath when you get a chance.

Find the things you used to enjoy doing. You don't need to jump in with two feet...maybe wade in...but do something that will make you feel better about yourself.

It's all about you, now. Take care of yourself. Do what you can to be strong. Things will get better!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m not surpised by your answer. This is key, you allowed yourself to give up much of what you enjoy. 

It’s is time for you to focus on yourself. Instead of asking how you are going to get over a guy how all walked over you, ask what you can do for yourself. That’s your focus so you can heal and come out of this better and stronger than before.

Start doing the thigns you used to enjoy. You will either find that you still enjoy them or that you can nix that from your life.

Go to Find your people - Meetup (not a dating site) and find things in your area that you thing sound like fun.. and go do them.

Include your friends and family in your life as much as possible. Set up two things every weekend to do with someone. If you schedule them at least one week in advance, you will not be facing empty weekends.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

medes90 said:


> Last 4 years I stopped doing things I enjoyed so I honestly don't even know what I enjoy anymore. I need to figure out my life all over again.


 The thing so often overlooked in a betrayed and destructive relationship is the inability to reconcile with yourself. You have to not only rediscover the old you but forge a new one as well on top of dealing with the pain of this unwanted endeavor.

Before you even try, you need to hurt, you need to let the emotional pain and physical stress thereof run it's course or any attempt to try and find a lifestyle to your liking or desire will be plagued by the emotional scar tissue you are undoubtedly building on your psyche. 

It will take time, it will get better and the day you can look at your ex and get to a "Meh" feeling is the day you know you are truly ready to move on from the ashes of your failed marriage and to a place far better than you realized.

To answer your threads question; "How will I get over this?",,,,, Invariably, one day at a time. Keep your head up!!!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Finding a good therapist to help you navigate through your feelings is so important too. Do you have one in place or would you consider it? Talking things out with someone else was very helpful to me. I am sorry you are here. Realize you are at the beginning and there will be ups and downs along the way. You will get through it though. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still doing it; but trust me when I say that you will get better. Take good care of yourself~


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