# I'm wrong and I know it



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I recently started engaging in nothing but friendly conversation via Facebook with a female acquaintance I've known for 15 years. I feel bad about our interactions, no matter how plutonic things have been.

Honestly, I know I'm wrong because I initiate, completely unintentionally, a conversation that sometimes goes hours. Being a member of this site has taught me this scenrio is one of those slippery slopes. But it's also educated me. What I know can happen is what i want to happen. 

I guess I'm really here to hear enough of you tell me to stop because I'm not listening to me right now.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Go for it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> I recently started engaging in nothing but friendly conversation via Facebook with a female acquaintance I've known for 15 years. I feel bad about our interactions, no matter how plutonic things have been.
> 
> Honestly, I know I'm wrong because I initiate, completely unintentionally, a conversation that sometimes goes hours. Being a member of this site has taught me this scenrio is one of those slippery slopes. But it's also educated me. What I know can happen is what i want to happen.
> 
> I guess I'm really here to hear enough of you tell me to stop because I'm not listening to me right now.


You're not married, right? Is she?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm divorced but she has a boyfriend.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

marksaysay said:


> I recently started engaging in nothing but friendly conversation via Facebook with a female acquaintance I've known for 15 years. I feel bad about our interactions, no matter how plutonic things have been.
> 
> Honestly, I know I'm wrong because I initiate, completely unintentionally, a conversation that sometimes goes hours. Being a member of this site has taught me this scenrio is one of those slippery slopes. But it's also educated me. What I know can happen is what i want to happen.
> 
> I guess I'm really here to hear enough of you tell me to stop because I'm not listening to me right now.


I'm happy that you recognize what is going on and want to reign it in before things get out of hand. There's a profound religious saying, that still can be used secularly that I'll leave you with;

Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay,and cost you more than you'll ever want to pay!


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

marksaysay said:


> I'm divorced but she has a boyfriend.


Sorry, I responded to you as a married man. How long has she been with her bf? If it's a LTR, then she's capable of cheating on you too.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> marksaysay said:
> 
> 
> > I'm divorced but she has a boyfriend.
> ...


She has resume a relationship with the father of her child. They were aprt for about a year and recently got back together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> I'm divorced but she has a boyfriend.





marksaysay said:


> She has resume a relationship with the father of her child. They were aprt for about a year and recently got back together.


Oh. Well then knock off the bullsh*t already.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

There's one harsh negative comment. Keep them coming. I know I shouldn't keep initiating these conversations, but I do it any how.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> There's one harsh negative comment. Keep them coming. I know I shouldn't keep initiating these conversations, but I do it any how.


You are a pathetic, weak, cowardly human being and you are baiting this relationship because you know in real life you cannot be the man you can pretend to be online. (Even though she knows you and is playing along, even more pathetic!)

Its manipulative, dishonest, and self-gratifying at someones else's expense. You can do it because in the fog of your humanity you can hide the ugliness of your intentions, but in the light of truth you would gnash your teeth in regret and shame for the cynical, hateful person you are acting like.

Did you torture small animals as a child?


How did I do? :smthumbup:



ETA: Find a real, available woman. learn to communicate and connect with her, make sure she is carrying her side of the relationship and then you do your part to meet her needs as an expression of mature love and you will "have a life"!
.
.
.
.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Decorum said:


> marksaysay said:
> 
> 
> > There's one harsh negative comment. Keep them coming. I know I shouldn't keep initiating these conversations, but I do it any how.
> ...


You had me convinced! Unfortunately, it created more laughter than anything else.

While my posts may ooze with sarcasm, I truthfully know the ramifications of continuing these conversations, but I keep doing it. An emotional connection that comes from harmless conversations can lead to more. To some extent, that actually motivates me. That's the part I feel bad about!


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Nothing to worry about. Keep up these chats with no action and you are permanently in the friend zone.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

So, what you are saying is that you want someone to provide some motivation to help you save you from yourself? I guess I'll start with an old cliche : think about what you are doing. If you had a girlfriend who was in the situation that you are putting yourself in, would you think that she'd be suspicious in her actions? You'd want to know what was up with her, why she wasn't putting the emotional investment into your relationship, etc., right?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

jay1365 said:


> Nothing to worry about. Keep up these chats with no action and you are permanently in the friend zone.


Good point!


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> There's one harsh negative comment. Keep them coming. * I know I shouldn't keep initiating these conversations, but I do it any how.*


Because it feeds a need, doesn't it? You don't really care if she's involved or not. All that matters is getting that "fix"...I know. Take it from someone who has been involved in his fair share of online EA's...Take a long, hard, deep look into what is driving your actions. I did, and I'm getting help for it.

As for me, I deactivated my FB accounts and I'm continuing to minimize my Internet presence.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Best case is she leaves her boyfriend/baby daddy for you, right? Well then congrats, because then all you'll have is a woman willing to leave the father of her child for some random FB d**chebag.

And OK, _maybe_ the boyfriend is a d**chebag. But if she can't bring herself to bail on him unless she has someone else lined up first...? That'd say a lot about her character, and none of it would be especially good.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening marksaysay
where do you see this going - if everything goes well. Does it stay platonic? Do you hope for wild sex? Are you hoping for a life-long relationship? 

What is the best case outcome you can imagine? 




marksaysay said:


> I recently started engaging in nothing but friendly conversation via Facebook with a female acquaintance I've known for 15 years. I feel bad about our interactions, no matter how plutonic things have been.
> 
> Honestly, I know I'm wrong because I initiate, completely unintentionally, a conversation that sometimes goes hours. Being a member of this site has taught me this scenrio is one of those slippery slopes. But it's also educated me. What I know can happen is what i want to happen.
> 
> I guess I'm really here to hear enough of you tell me to stop because I'm not listening to me right now.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Best case is she leaves her boyfriend/baby daddy for you, right? Well then congrats, because then all you'll have is a woman willing to leave the father of her child for some random FB d**chebag.
> 
> And OK, _maybe_ the boyfriend is a d**chebag. But if she can't bring herself to bail on him unless she has someone else lined up first...? That'd say a lot about her character, and none of it would be especially good.


That's part of it, too. I keep trying to rationalize my actions by telling myself that she's not the kind of girl who would be have an affair. Then again, I thought the same of my ex-wife!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> You had me convinced! Unfortunately, it created more laughter than anything else.
> 
> While my posts may ooze with sarcasm, I truthfully know the ramifications of continuing these conversations, but I keep doing it. An emotional connection that comes from harmless conversations can lead to more. To some extent, that actually motivates me. That's the part I feel bad about!


Yeah I was aiming for that, bit of hyperbole really.

But my main point is that online relationships are fantasy and much easier than real ones, but the feelings are very real. I know you realize that but you are asking to be told what you already know, so I hammed it up a bit.

Don't play with fire. Be a kind and honest man, with confidence and purpose, then you will be a good partner too. 

Take care!


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Because it feeds a need, doesn't it? You don't really care if she's involved or not. All that matters is getting that "fix"...I know. Take it from someone who has been involved in his fair share of online EA's...Take a long, hard, deep look into what is driving your actions. I did, and I'm getting help for it.
> 
> As for me, I deactivated my FB accounts and I'm continuing to minimize my Internet presence.


I'm not asking this questiom to to judge you, I just feel like a lot of you all know each other and each other's stories. I feel like an outsider looking in, trying to play "catch up". Did you have EA's while married?


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Because it feeds a need, doesn't it? You don't really care if she's involved or not. All that matters is getting that "fix"...I know. Take it from someone who has been involved in his fair share of online EA's...Take a long, hard, deep look into what is driving your actions. I did, and I'm getting help for it.
> 
> *As for me, I deactivated my FB accounts and I'm continuing to minimize my Internet presence.*


Just a suggestion, if you want to minimize your online presence, it might be prudent to change your avatar to something more generic and remove the pic of your wife and child. 

Sorry for the threadjack. As far as OP, log off and go find a nice, single lady face to face. I promise she will smell better than a laptop.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

marksaysay said:


> That's part of it, too. I keep trying to rationalize my actions by telling myself that she's not the kind of girl who would be have an affair. Then again, I thought the same of my ex-wife!



Then put yourself back in the shoes of finding out about tne OM! If anyone should be empathetic to someone being cheated on (and you know it's just a matter of time if you keep playing with it) it should be people like you. You do know that he will always be a part of her life, and you will always be wondering if the Sparks are still there if you guys get together.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> I truthfully know the ramifications of continuing these conversations, but I keep doing it. An emotional connection that comes from harmless conversations can lead to more. To some extent, that actually motivates me. That's the part I feel bad about!


I think I see where you are coming from. There was a poster here recently (a BH) who came close to a revenge affair. It developed subtlety, he said he now understood how easy it is to cross the line when you are taking little steps.

Will she follow the bread crumbs and go for me? Oops not so close I do not mean for this to spin out of control, I hope she is not a psycho, or calls me out because I went to far, etc, etc.

She is probably attentive to the relationship such as it is, can you pull her past her ability to say no?

It can be hard to see and accept the "cheater" who lives in your own heart. ha ha.

You are up against your own inner standard and you can see a certain willingness to cross it.

Or maybe you just have to much time on your hands, ha ha, You could take up clash of the clans.

Seriously is this a little self-exploration on your part, like a "nice" guy who discovers "PUA" and realizes he gets some early harmless results by his first attempts?

*Maybe just realize that Yes you could pull her or likely a number of woman, but then what?*

You sound like a responsible guy, will you have to do the "honorable thing" and commit, ha ha.

Don't be to hard on yourself (yeah its ironic I just said that) but you have something to offer, its nice to know, but be sure you really want to sell it before you put it on the market.

I'm just thinking out loud, I'll give it a rest, but I do wish you well, be good to yourself and to those you care about.

Later!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

So you enjoy the conversation online with this women who is seeing her sons's father. Do you see each other in real life??? Do you think she is looking for a friend in you or do you think she is also interested in you? You feel guilty because of the boyfriend which shows you have some sort of right and wrong going on but what about the woman? Does she feel bad for talking to you? If it is simply a "fix" you are looking for, could it be that you find this "fix" in her because she is taken? Do you want to be the winner or do you really have feelings for this woman?

You certainly do not want to be the reason for her to break up with her son's father but I thin k it is important to know where she stands with him and how she feels about you.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> So you enjoy the conversation online with this women who is seeing her sons's father. Do you see each other in real life??? Do you think she is looking for a friend in you or do you think she is also interested in you? You feel guilty because of the boyfriend which shows you have some sort of right and wrong going on but what about the woman? Does she feel bad for talking to you? If it is simply a "fix" you are looking for, could it be that you find this "fix" in her because she is taken? Do you want to be the winner or do you really have feelings for this woman?
> 
> You certainly do not want to be the reason for her to break up with her son's father but I thin k it is important to know where she stands with him and how she feels about you.


I've known her for 15 years primarily due to us attending the same church. We were nothing more than acquaintances until about 2 yrs ago when we began working together. We got closer during that time. Had we not worked together, I would have asked her out. At one point, I was 100% convinced she was interested but I didn't want to date someone I worked with.

I found a new job but I still visit my former place of employment usually once a week for lunch or dinner (its a restaurant). I truthfully stop in just to converse with her and she has come to expect my weekly visits. 

And I have never known someone so perfect for me. She possesses almost every quality I would look for and she's cute. Concerning her baby's father, I don't know much about him other than he's fathered several other children and that he likes to wear sunglasses indoors.

Also, I do want to know where she stands with him and how she feels about me but I don't at the same time.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

After thinking about it more, I know these interactions should probably stop. Thanks to this site, I clearly know what I'm doing, therefore, they will stop. But I feel, that at this point, if I stop messaging and visiting, she will ask me why. I would then just tell her how inappropriate opposite sex friendships are when one is in a relationship. Yep. That's the plan.

P.S.
I have a tendency to over think things...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> And I have never known someone so perfect for me. She possesses almost every quality I would look for and she's cute. Concerning her baby's father, I don't know much about him other than he's fathered several other children and that he likes to wear sunglasses indoors.


The person that is perfect for you is willing to continue dating her baby's father - and have some icing (you) on the side? Are you looking for someone like your ex wife? - because that ended well.

It's really annoying to me, triggers me even, that there are people like you in the world. People who KNOW what they are doing. People who KNOW they could cause a lot of damage. People who KNOW that who they are perusing is in a relationship with someone else. People who just don't care about who/what it could hurt so long as they make themselves happy. 

Now, I'll tell you why that sounded harsh. My H had an affair with a woman who knew he was married with one child and had another on the way. Yes. I was pregnant. She knew this. She kept on. Now, I blame him just as much as I blame her, but omg, Where in the world did decency and honor go? 

Don't be that guy. Stand strong and tell her that if she wants to continue to have your visits and talks, your relationship needs to be upgraded and she needs to break it off with her CURRENT boyfriend first. 

Out of all the damn people on the planet....the only one that is attractive to you, is the one with a boyfriend and children with that boyfriend? 

Good luck. I hope that you're able to follow through with your plan. It would make you a better person - but that's just one anon Internet roamer's opinion.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I DO care or else I would be willing to continue. Knowing makes feel even worse about my actions. I've been very introspective and recognize my fault. For some reason, though, having enough people validate my actions as being wrong motivates me to do what I know I should do...no more messages or visits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> And I have never known someone so perfect for me. She possesses almost every quality I would look for and she's cute. Concerning her baby's father, I don't know much about him other than he's fathered several other children and that he likes to wear sunglasses indoors.
> 
> Also, I do want to know where she stands with him and how she feels about me but I don't at the same time.


Really? The perfect person is someone willing to cheat on her significant other? Really think about that for a minute....

ETA- sorry, we cross posted!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Best case is she leaves her boyfriend/baby daddy for you, right? Well then congrats, because then all you'll have is a woman willing to leave the father of her child for some random FB d**chebag.
> 
> And OK, _maybe_ the boyfriend is a d**chebag. But if she can't bring herself to bail on him unless she has someone else lined up first...? That'd say a lot about her character, and none of it would be especially good.


Word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

This thread is interesting to me. OP I commend you for your honesty and think you are a responsible person to have sought support and advice at this juncture since you have developed feelings for your friend. I hope you don’t mind the semi-relevant tangent, but I have to wonder…

“I would then just tell her how inappropriate opposite sex friendships are when one is in a relationship”

Is this true? Is this what majority of people believe? I mean, I don’t know… I’m asking. 

I never really know what the official “rules of engagement” are for regular people; I’m “socially challenged” and Abby Normal and always just follow my instincts and my own code of conduct. 

I believe we’re all susceptible to impropriety and have to maintain our boundaries and be honest (with ourselves and others), but is it just a given that men and women cannot be friends if one or both are in a relationship? 

And why do some here seem to be indicting OP’s innocent friend as if she is already a “willing” affair partner and an unfaithful wh0re? She hasn’t done anything wrong (as far as I can tell) and for all we know she views OP as strictly a platonic friend and nothing more. Is she guilty by association simply because she is in a relationship and has a male friend (OP) who has a secret romantic agenda?

I’m married, I have platonic male friends (who for all I know could be harboring secret crushes and agendas), I’m quick to put the kibosh on inappropriate advances and have even ended close friendships over this… am I an unwitting wh0re? 

It won’t really bother me if others view me as such; I’m just curious how this all works. I’ve remained true and faithful for 11 long years to a man who treats me like a sexual leper and rarely expresses interest in or admiration of me and rarely touches me of his own volition. I know what I am and what I’m not. 

I believe my past behavior is a fairly good predictor of my future conduct. I know I’m vulnerable, but all I can do is remain ever-vigilant, faithful, honest and true… to myself. Are all of my close male friendships by definition “inappropriate” because I am married? Is the "rationalization rodent" running rampant in my skull and I should just slap the scarlet "A" on my chest and be done with it? 

I mean no offense at all to anyone and am genuinely curious what people think. 

Sometimes TAM really does my head in.


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## FormerVictim (Jan 13, 2015)

You don't sound like an "unwitting" wh0re at all.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

FormerVictim said:


> You don't sound like an "unwitting" wh0re at all.


So a "witting" one? Got it! Thanks for your input!


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Personal said:


> My normal is closer to your normal.


I've noticed and always appreciate your view on things, fellow bird of my odd feather. 




Personal said:


> No she isn't guilty, nor is she responsible for his romantic feelings or aspirations, how can one be responsible for what someone else feels. When one is pursued by a suitor that doesn't generate reciprocal attraction how can one be a willing conspirator. She's not doing anything wrong by being friends. My wife and I have platonic opposite sex friends yet I have never sought anything else with them.


I agree and same here. My BFF is a man (fabulously gay to the gayest power and all man), I'm friends with married couples, and I have a close male friend that was an office-mate for many years that I talk to, text, and email regularly since I left the job and my home state... absolutely nothing salacious, untoward, or inappropriate in any of these relationships. I always stick to my boundaries and my husband knows all of them and has no qualms with any of my friendships. And right or wrong... I trust myself, but not blindly. I know I'm not infallible, which does scare me; all I can do is try to remain open but honest.

But reading TAM makes me paranoid! I don't use the facebook or twatter, or anything like that, but I'll text with my friends and then think "OMGz! Ex-office mate just texted me for an hour to catch up on his fam, the old crew, and see how I'm doing... is that wrong? I used one too many emoticons and smiley faces! Did we just have an EA?!??" It's making me crazy! Well. Crazier. 




Personal said:


> Opposite sex friends are fine, knowing oneself and taking conscious responsibility for you own boundaries is what makes those relationships fine.
> 
> To fear one's sexual partner/s other non-sexual friends by blanket principle. Is to discount their sexual partner/s integrity, judgement and autonomy. If one won't/can't trust their sexual partner, those partners can't possibly be sharing an honest and trusting sexual relationship...
> 
> We're all vulnerable. That said, since we are responsible for what we choose to do it is and always will be up to us (Infidelity doesn't require friends and is no accident).


See, that's what I think too. I understand many people here have been hurt by infidelity (I have too, in my first and only other relationship, which devastated me), but if you automatically condemn your partner's platonic opposite sex friendships (without just cause)... isn't that saying more about your trust level in your partner and what you think of their integrity? 

And... "Infidelity doesn't require friends and is no accident" Perfectly said and too true! 




Personal said:


> I respect the gift of love that you share. That said, I think it's a shame it isn't reciprocated in ways that satiate your hunger.


Me too! Still fighting for us (have an agreed upon plan of attack at long last), but this is the last battle. 


Thank you, as ever, for sharing your perspective. I always appreciate it. 


And OP, sorry again for the tangent, but I think you have brought up an important issue and, again, I applaud your conscientiousness. Good luck with your chosen course of action!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Inappropriate may have been the wrong word to describe opposite sex friendships. But it is the type of situation with high possibilities of emotional & sexual misconduct. The possibility can easily be lowered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

MSS,

You're a decent man, make a good pick for a long term partner.

Regardless of what a woman says, and how honest she seems when she say they are done, past relationships like the one with your friends baby's father are often low embers that flame up later when the ashes are stirred by a relationship going a bit flat or hitting a rough patch.

She might be attracted to the bad boy in him and while she might appreciate your nice thoughtful stability, he might remain a threat when she is horny and lonely.

Just be careful how you evaluate relationships, I really do wish you well.

Take care!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Thanks Decorum. I had actually presented the situation to a couple of ladies I know and they both said go for it. I really didn't feel confident their advice was good advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Well, my last correspondence with my friend was on Friday. She just sent a response. I believe the correct course of action is to simply ignore it. Am I right? Or should I say something now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I reallt want to respond right now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> I've known her for 15 years primarily due to us attending the same church. We were nothing more than acquaintances until about 2 yrs ago when we began working together. We got closer during that time. Had we not worked together, I would have asked her out. At one point, I was 100% convinced she was interested but I didn't want to date someone I worked with.
> 
> I found a new job but I still visit my former place of employment usually once a week for lunch or dinner (its a restaurant). I truthfully stop in just to converse with her and she has come to expect my weekly visits.
> 
> ...


So you kind of feel if you hear that she is trying with her son's dad that you would be in the wrong for continuing to contact her? So it is better not to know?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Best case is she leaves her boyfriend/baby daddy for you, right? Well then congrats, because then all you'll have is a woman willing to leave the father of her child for some random FB d**chebag.
> 
> And OK, _maybe_ the boyfriend is a d**chebag. But if she can't bring herself to bail on him unless she has someone else lined up first...? That'd say a lot about her character, and none of it would be especially good.


Entanglements its all about character and entanglement.

If you get her, you get him on some level, and his involvement with her.

If they got back together then neither of them has moved on, right? 

Do you really want to insert yourself into the middle of that, "but we are a perfect match for each other". Well you are until you're not.

And ATM you are not her first choice, right?

You may have to rise above other men for a quality lady, someone with whom the past is the past, but this seems to be more than that, IDk.

I'm curious to see what yo do.

Take care!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I will admit that I did respond to her last message. My response was a simple statement that doesn't elicit a response but that doesn't make it right. 

I won't send anymore messages and there will no more visits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

So I just got a simple reply from her where she simply agreed with the statement I made to her. I think I've started something that I shouldn't have. I knew what could possibly happen and I now feel bad because it seems she enjoys chatting with me as much as I with her. 

Is this the point where I should say our correspondence is dangerous for her since she has a boyfriend? Should I simply ignore her response? What do I do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I'm wrong and I know it.


So stop.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> Is this the point where I should say our correspondence is dangerous for her since she has a boyfriend? Should I simply ignore her response? What do I do?


No. You have to be careful not to set a wedge, buy discussing feelings. That creates longing and fantasy and damages her current relationship.

Stop seeking her out and let it die a natural death. Be busy, and when she asks just say so, she will probably suspect and may ask, just say that you realized she was trying to work it out with her BF and you did not want to be a distraction but do not admit to any feelings or interest. Tell her you think it would be great if the two of them could make it work especially for their shared child.

Something like this might work "I have enjoyed our chats and would like the chance to get to know you guys as a couple sometime." That should kill it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Decorum said:


> No. You have to be careful not to set a wedge, buy discussing feelings. That creates longing and fantasy and damages her current relationship.
> 
> Stop seeking her out and let it die a natural death. Be busy, and when she asks just say so, she will probably suspect and may ask, just say that you realized she was trying to work it out with her BF and you did not want to be a distraction but do not admit to any feelings or interest. Tell her you think it would be great if the two of them could make it work especially for their shared child.
> 
> Something like this might work "I have enjoyed our chats and would like the chance to get to know you guys as a couple sometime." That should kill it.


Well said. I kinda thought if I said anything about my interest, it would cause more harm than good. Saying something similar to how you've worded things would be a great way to not share any feelings. If she asks, that's what I should say! Thanks!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Stop seeking her out and let it die a natural death.


I like this.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

or...

Lindsay ( made up name...)
I have been thinking a lot about our texts and such and I feel that it would be best if I back off a little. I know a little about how things work and since you just got back together with your ex, I feel it should be given a chance to flourish and grow without my interference.
I think you are a great person but the energy we devote to each other would best be directed back to your mending your marriage.
I just feel guilty knowing I might be a distraction that allows or helps your reunion to fail.
You all deserve a second chance and I cant stand in the way of that or even cast a shadow on the path.
Good luck.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

SamuraiJack said:


> or...
> 
> Lindsay ( made up name...)
> I have been thinking a lot about our texts and such and I feel that it would be best if I back off a little. I know a little about how things work and since you just got back together with your ex, I feel it should be given a chance to flourish and grow without my interference.
> ...


I like this! She's not married, though. They are just bf/gf and have a child together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> And I have never known someone so perfect for me.


This is why you need to cut it out. You have feelings for her. Also, you said your ex-wife did this to you. You said you are the one initiating here... So stop it. Seriously. 

Are you the poster who posted a very similar thread a few months ago -- about talking to a chick with a partner/boyfriend/SO online and how you know you needed to stop???


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> I like this! She's not married, though. They are just bf/gf and have a child together.


Doesnt matter.
A quality man does not interfere with a relationship in progress.

He states his case clearly and honorably and removes his influence.
Not for her sake...but for his and the idea that he would want someone to do the same for him.

The reason you came here was because you know its the right thing to do, but the pull is great.
Acknowledge the pull, state your case and keep your agreement with yourself to behave with honor.

If thats what you put out...thats what you will attract.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> This is why you need to cut it out. You have feelings for her. Also, you said your ex-wife did this to you. You said you are the one initiating here... So stop it. Seriously.
> 
> Are you the poster who posted a very similar thread a few months ago -- about talking to a chick with a partner/boyfriend/SO online and how you know you needed to stop???


No. I've never posted about talking to anyone who was involved until now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You already know what to do.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

FlowerChild said:


> Stop it now. Think about what you're doing. You do not want to be the other man. Think about how you would feel if you had a girlfriend who was doing what you're doing behind your back. You wouldn't feel too good.
> This woman is NOT what you want. She is immature, irresponsible, dishonest, disloyal and she is a cheater.
> Find a real available woman who is mature, responsible, honest and loyal. And who isn't a cheater.
> 
> ...


While I do believe the boyfriend has no idea we chat, I think it's a little much to call her a cheater at this point. We have known each other for over 15 yrs, we go to the same church, and I know her whole family so for all I know, she simply thinks of it as conversing with a friend. Our conversations have never had any romantic overtones. Just simple chatting.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> While I do believe the boyfriend has no idea we chat, I think it's a little much to call her a cheater at this point. We have known each other for over 15 yrs, we go to the same church, and I know her whole family so for all I know, she simply thinks of it as conversing with a friend. Our conversations have never had any romantic overtones. Just simple chatting.


Dont. Be. A. Bottom. Feeder.

You are currently only a few steps away from being the guy your ex wife was cheating with.

Do you really want to be "The Other Man"?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

from a purely selfish perspective. do you want to be with someone who is having someone else's child.

someone who will have an emotional affair behind your back even if shes carrying your child.

sounds like a winner to me...........not 

I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.

set the bar higher than that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let's not all demonize her though. He said he is the one initiating most contact and his thread title says "I'm wrong and I know it."

....


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> Being a member of this site has taught me this scenrio is one of those slippery slopes. But it's also educated me. What I know can happen is what i want to happen.


What a pointless thread. 

Normally I'd say that there is no harm in platonic chat but since you've stated that your intent is to get her to cheat or leave her boyfriend then I don't get what you want from this board.

Are you thinking that if enough of us say don't do it then you may find the power to stop yourself? What a load of [remainder of sentence deleted as it violates TAM terms and conditions.]


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Chillymorn...she is NOT pregnant. Their child is between 15-18 months old. 

SamuraiJack...my wife started with a one-night stand, then went online dating sites, etc., etc...totally different!

Flowerchild...No! I wouldn't want my girlfriend chatting with a guy online no matter how long she's known him. 

Jellybeans...thanks! Those were my sentiments exactly. Like I said, she may consider it all just two friends chatting. I'm the one who initiates most of it, therefore, I take the majority of the blame!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> Flowerchild...No! I wouldn't want my girlfriend chatting with a guy online no matter how long she's known him.


THIS is all you need to know...so knock it off.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

OP, again, I commend you for being honest with yourself (not always easy to do) regarding the feelings you’ve developed for your friend, taking responsibility for them, and doing what you felt was best by “ending” your acquaintance with her.

In my opinion, you need to let this go now. You’ve sent her a “fare thee well”, she’s sent you a simple acknowledgement, and that’s that. Fin. It should be easy enough to go “no contact” now, right? You no longer work with her and can simply stop going by her restaurant and you can put her on “ignore” on facebook (or whatever it is you crazy kids do on there!) Easy peasy. 

The hard part is going to be dealing with the dissolution of this whole interior “fantasy relationship” you have constructed around her in your own mind. (Which may never have existed for her at all, FYI) You seem to be suffering from “limerence” and I have theories as to why you are doing this to yourself…

You have unresolved pain and trauma from your wife’s infidelity and the break-up of your marriage. And you truly don’t want to risk getting involved in another relationship and possibly having your heart broken again. 

So you’ve fixated on a unavailable, already attached past acquaintance, actively encouraged this relationship to develop into a friendship, whereby you can have certain human needs met: attention, connection, desire (requited or not doesn’t matter… desire is always potent and addictive… even one-side), without actually having to open yourself up all the way to potential heartbreak and the vulnerability of true intimacy.

This friendly little (one-sided) dalliance has given you shots of “feel good” brain chemicals, provided diversion, fun, and even a little angst and drama. Pretty good return on your investment!

Now it’s time to let it go and move on. Focus on yourself and finding someone who is available and free to return your feelings. You’re worth more than a one-sided, fantasy romance with yourself; you deserve to have a whole relationship with someone who can reciprocate your sentiments and love you back.

Anyway. I wish you luck and hope you take care of yourself.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

A little more about this situation: 

Since we'd known each other for 12+ years at the time of her joining my place of employment, it was just easy for her and I to talk because we knew each other. She was with her current boyfriend then, but they broke up for roughly a year. They, in the last 5 or 6 months, decided to give it another try. 

Initially, there was no thought of interest on my part. That changed, of course, over a period of time. On some levels, I believe she went back to her boyfriend because I never gave her any signs that I was interested. But I didn't want to pursue anything with her while we worked together. 

Even though she has resumed her past relationship and I no longer work with her, we still continued to chat as well as see each other at church. 

This doesn't change the fact that our correspondence is innappropriate. I just thought I'd add more details. I do know that since I'm the initiator of most of these conversations, I have to stop initiating them and they will probably stop all together.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> It should be easy enough to go “no contact” now, right? You no longer work with her and can simply stop going by her restaurant and you can put her on “ignore” on facebook (or whatever it is you crazy kids do on there!) Easy peasy.


Not quite...we have gone to the same church for 15+ years and still do! Everything else is easy, though.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

In as few words as possible, OP - CUT THE CRAP!

You know the real answer....


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

As the husband trying to reconcile with a wife who "met up with an old college acquaintance" online...totally friendly and whatnot...as I sit in my big house with no family...I can honestly tell you, knock your crap off.
I confronted him...he worked at a church. 
If she is trying to fix their family and you have ANYthing to do with her not being able because she isn't focused because of your "innocent charm"... I hope he finds you, too. There is a child out there that would love, and deserves, a mommy and daddy.
Again, knock it off or I hope you get what will be coming to you...either from him, or when you end up being in his shoes.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Her bf is going to kick your ass.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

What's the boyfriend's name? I'm pretty sure you'll have a reason to listen to yourself once you hear that "knock". It could be the knock of a gun muzzle for all you know.

Don't be an idiot. Fear the wrath of a betrayed man who happens to be the father of her children in this case.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I missed the part earlier about you guys going to the same church.
This other guy, he'll find you. You are way too close...not that distance makes it better, it just keeps you safer. Still, I drove an hour and 30 minutes to confront this guy at his own church. 
Once he connects the dots, your prayer life may change pretty quick. And it should. And he will...connect the dots.

It will happen.

Once it does, please...come back on here and tell us how that went.
And when you see their child at church, always tell yourself, "I helped scar their life...I did that...to that child right there" ...and then don't forget to tithe. :-/


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Nice to see that morals and ethics reign here! When he first started this thread I just KNEW there'd be at least ten ppl to say, " she's not married so who cares"? It's the principle of the matter.

If I were single right now I woyld try to enjoy the variety of single and avsilable men, not one that's already taken. Maybe deep down you get off on the rush?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

This is a perfect example of how people get pulled into affairs even though they absolutely know its wrong. 

You can practically see him saying "Yep. Walking away from this."...as he walks backwards.

Ahhh that forbidden fruit...


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

Think about their child. While you may be enjoying the fun and thrill of chatting with this woman, you are aiding in the destruction of this child's family. While two adults make their own decisions about life, this child has no choice in the matter. Right now that child has the option to grow up in a complete family with both mom and dad to come home too. How would you feel if you were the main cause of this child loosing that? Step away give this family the chance it needs to reconnect and be happy. If it doesn't work out for their own reasons, then you can reconnect with this woman. But until then everytime you chat with her think of that little child crying at night because his daddy doesn't come home, or tuck him in at night. 

I've been their my husband was drawn away by a woman that didn't care she was tearing our family apart. My son was torn apart by this. He was also around the same age, and it took over a year for him to return to somewhat normal. I had months of nightmares, crying because dad wasn't their to tuck him in, as well as many other related problems. The other woman by the way didn't stick around and ended a family just to sleep with my husband for a while. 

Think about that innocent child!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I have not had any further contact and I don't plan on it. But I'm not so sure about the whole family thing. I was told he's got 10 other children and I know they don't live together. 

I understand those facts are irrelevant but I just thought I'd share since it's been stated that I'm tearing a family apart.


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## Seuferwoman (Jun 8, 2014)

It's good you have had no contact. But it sounds like you are still justifying contact. Even if her BF has 20 other children, this is currently a family. If it doesn't work out then contact is justifiable, but until then no justification. You say church is the only contact you have with her. That's fine as long as you are using that time at church to both be closer to God and not each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> I have not had any further contact and I don't plan on it. But I'm not so sure about the whole family thing. *I was told he's got 10 other children and I know they don't live together. *
> 
> I understand those facts are irrelevant but I just thought I'd share since it's been stated that I'm tearing a family apart.


Who told you that? Have you ever heard stories where a married man tells some nice lady that his wife hates him, they live separate, sexless lives and he's so, so lonely? Or the married woman who tells some poor guy that her husband is neglectful or abusive and she's just looking to be saved by a knight in shining armor? And many times, those stories are just lies.

Either way, whether or not he has 100 kids should no longer be a concern of yours.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Seuferwoman said:


> It's good you have had no contact. But it sounds like you are still justifying contact. Even if her BF has 20 other children, this is currently a family. If it doesn't work out then contact is justifiable, but until then no justification. You say church is the only contact you have with her. That's fine as long as you are using that time at church to both be closer to God and not each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I'm not trying to justify anything. Defensive may be a better way of putting it. Nonetheless, everyone's points have been well taken. She is in a relationship, therefore, I have no business chatting with or paying her any visits.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

For those who may be wondering, there has been no contact with her since Sunday.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

It's been a while so I thought I'd post an update. There has been no contact since March 2nd. I have been very tempted to simply say 'hi' but I haven't given in.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm kinda proud of myself today. I went to my former employer and her current employer on a business call. I was asked why I hadn't been coming around but I simply said too busy. 

I did notice "she" was working but I never approached or attempted to make eye contact. I waited in lobby for the manager to return, then I left.

It was hard not to go say hi but I refrained from doing so.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Here's a question. I have been strongly craving the food from the establishment where I use to work and this girl still works. It's right across the street from my current employer but I feel going simply for the food is still a bad idea. I haven't seen or talked with this girl since the beginning of March.

My idea is to go and simply request a table in the corner somewhere as opposed to the bar where I use to sit (she's normally the daytime bartender). I could go and satisfy my craving and see some old faces and keep my distance. She typically doesn't venture to far away from the bar so I think I'll be safe. 

What do you think? Good idea or not?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Here's a question. I have been strongly craving the food from the establishment where I use to work and this girl still works. It's right across the street from my current employer but I feel going simply for the food is still a bad idea. I haven't seen or talked with this girl since the beginning of March.

My idea is to go and simply request a table in the corner somewhere as opposed to the bar where I use to sit (she's normally the daytime bartender). I could go and satisfy my craving and see some old faces and keep my distance. She typically doesn't venture to far away from the bar so I think I'll be safe. 

What do you think? Good idea or not?


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