# When did you take your ring off?



## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

_I had another thread going (He doesn't understand why it was not ok), but something's gone wonky with it on the site._

My husband is intermittently packing up his things (not removing them from the house yet though). He's also canceled the satellite. He is dating the OW, though he swears he is not because they "haven't done anything" (which I do not believe anyway). 

I still don't want my marriage to be over, I can't let it go yet. I know he's mixed up and he's running to her because it would be too hard for him to make up for how he's treated me and our marriage. I am coming very close to really understanding that he will probably never be the husband he needs to be, possibly to anyone, let alone me. But taking off my ring feels like a final "yes it's over" moment. Wouldn't it be just that much harder to put it back on? I think once we actually do the paperwork for a legal separation I'll be able to. I don't know what I'm really looking for, but curious how other people have handled this. 

Also, for any who were wondering - I have told my parents, his mom, his best friends, and some of my friends what he's doing. I know they don't want to get involved, but I was sick of him saying that "we'd just grown apart".


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

On D-Day.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Depends on how attached you are to the ring


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

The day after d-day.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you are not too attached to the ring, can you get some money for it? 

He is not remorseful at all, and sometimes the ring can bring pain. If it does, sell it. But if you do not trigger, it is probably worth more than what you can get for it.

He has already blown up your marriage. It is up to you, but if you can move forward and it helps you, take it off today. 

But do what makes you feel better. You have had enough pain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When my wife told me she was going to have her affair.

She noticed I wasn't wearing my ring. She asked me why not? I replied: "Since you are having an affair, I didn't think I'd be allowed to."

She cried.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I took mine off, and sold it, the moment I decided I was going to divorce him. He continued to wear his for awhile longer but his gf (who was not his AP) didn't like the visible reminder that he was not divorced yet -- since I was waiting to get our finances straight before I filed -- and so he took his off too. 

I know some people take their rings off when they're angry and then put them on again when they aren't but I only took mine off when I was sure I was done and wouldn't ever change my mind. 

It was a beautiful ring and I wore it for decades but it no longer meant what it once did and I didn't have any trouble taking it off.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> When my wife told me she was going to have her affair.
> 
> She noticed I wasn't wearing my ring. She asked me why not? I replied: "Since you are having an affair, I didn't think I'd be allowed to."
> 
> She cried.


Matt...

You make it really tough for folks to not hate your wife.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

When I had a friend coming to my house to do a "gold party." I sold it all and made money. We were still in the separation process but after he'd already cheated on me and I felt like our marriage was so tainted, I knew if we ever recovered I wanted a new ring (I kept all the diamonds) to signify our new commitment. That did not happen.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I took it off and threw it out the window. Somewhere in my backyard. I'll have to recover it when I mow it this weekend.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

When I first confronted him 3 months ago I started leaving it at home at times. Looking back I think I was subconsciously disconnecting from him.

I have not worn it in 1 month, since I told him to leave the house. 

I love my ring, but I don't want to wear it anymore because it reminds me that our entire union was based on lies and deceit. I am thinking about selling it and buying an old car for my teenager, or taking my kids on a vacation.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I know that I've posted it on other similar threads, but I have yet to remove mine ~ not for the "enduring love" that I have for my rich, skanky XW, but because the diamond wedding band was my Dad's, and i continue to wear it with pride for the 54 years that he and Mom logged in together!

If another Mrs. Arb should ever come into existence, then I'll remove and retire that "quasi-sacred" ring, and proudly don the one she gives me!*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *I know that I've posted it on other similar threads, but I have yet to remove mine ~ not for the "enduring love" that I have for my rich, skanky XW, but because the diamond wedding band was my Dad's, and i continue to wear it with pride for the 54 years that he and Mom logged in together!
> 
> If another Mrs. Arb should ever come into existence, then I'll remove and retire that "quasi-sacred" ring, and proudly don the one she gives me!*


Not buying it. You should at least put it on a different finger. Youre using it to ward off other women.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Not buying it. You should at least put it on a different finger. Youre using it to ward off other women.


Yea I was going to suggest putting it on the other hand.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I took mine off on d-day, no longer felt married, marriage just didn't have the same meaning to me. I haven't worn it since and don't ever plan to wear that ring again. I will consider wearing a new ring if we successfully reconcile. My WW still wears her ring after I told her I was fine with her wearing it again. If we are successful with reconciliation I plan to replace both rings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I took mine off right after XWW told me she was going to replace me with a better man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Matt...
> 
> You make it really tough for folks to not hate your wife.


Yeah. Sorry about that.

She's really a very nice person but sometimes it's hard to know if I am going to be met with by










or 










:rofl:


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

thatbpguy said:


> On D-Day.


Sorry, I'm still learning this stuff... D-day is the day you find out about the affair?

I'm still wearing my ring to work, and when I know I'll see my husband (he's probably doing the same). If we ever reconcile, I'll probably keep mine but want him to get something different - I can't really stomach him being with her and wearing the ring that symbolized our marriage. I doubt he took it off every time, it's not like she didn't know he was married, so he didn't have to hide it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I wore mine until the day our divorce was final. Despite what he'd been up to, I considered myself married until I wasn't. 

It probably helped that it was only 10 weeks between the day I told him I wanted a divorce and the day it was finalized.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Thound said:


> Chaparral said:
> 
> 
> > Not buying it. You should at least put it on a different finger. Youre using it to ward off other women.
> ...





Chaparral said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> > *I know that I've posted it on other similar threads, but I have yet to remove mine ~ not for the "enduring love" that I have for my rich, skanky XW, but because the diamond wedding band was my Dad's, and i continue to wear it with pride for the 54 years that he and Mom logged in together!
> ...


* Can't move it to the other hand because that's where my Masonic ring lives! And I really don't like having more than one ring on either hand!*


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

If we divorce, it'd be tacky to ask for his wedding ring back, right?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badaboom said:


> If we divorce, it'd be tacky to ask for his wedding ring back, right?


Eh... not really. But would you even want it...?


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Eh... not really. But would you even want it...?


No, not to keep. For $$. Probably depends on how everything goes with finances. But that's a few hundred bucks I would rather have than let him keep it sitting in a drawer.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badaboom said:


> No, not to keep. For $$. Probably depends on how everything goes with finances. But that's a few hundred bucks I would rather have than let him keep it sitting in a drawer.


I'd just take it then.


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## 845dad (May 28, 2014)

i made mine into a knife lanyard....worlds most expensive lanyard...cost me 15 years


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I don't know what to do with my ring... GF recently found it and got mad I still had it. It's been sitting in a draw since the divorce and honestly, I forgot it was there. Should I hold onto it and give it to my kids or would that be weird? Otherwise, I guess I'll eventually sell it when I get around to it. Feels like yet another kick to an already dead horse.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I took it off (and never put it back on) on d-day. The day I watched a recorded video of my XWW engaging in full blown sex with the, now deceased, OM.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

morituri said:


> I took it off (and never put it back on) on d-day. The day I watched a recorded video of my XWW engaging in full blown sex with the, now deceased, OM.


I've seen references to this in different threads but have yet to read any sort of summary. Were you doing any digging at the time or did you just happen to stumble upon it? Was it on her phone? Computer?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I never wore a ring. I have this weird phobia of anything clinging to my fingers or wrists. I have a really top of the line watch that I don't even wear because I can't stand the feel of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I've seen references to this in different threads but have yet to read any sort of summary. Were you doing any digging at the time or did you just happen to stumble upon it? Was it on her phone? Computer?


It is gut wrenching tale of woe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I've seen references to this in different threads but have yet to read any sort of summary. Were you doing any digging at the time or did you just happen to stumble upon it? Was it on her phone? Computer?


No Gus. I had no clue whatsoever and it caught me totally and completely by surprise.

My XWW left the computer logged on while she took a quick trip to a store. While she was away, I took the opportunity to check on some e-mail from previous days, but unbeknownst to me, she had left a browser window opened with her e-mail account logged on. Just before I closed it, I saw a new e-message pop up with the title "a little gift". Curiosity got the best of me and I opened it. Nothing on the text field except it had a URL link. I clicked on the link and it took me to a photobucket type website account where a video loaded up and started automatically. At first I thought it was a prank sent by a girl friend of hers, until it started playing and I realized it was an amateur video of two people engaged in very explicit sex. I started getting a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach of who the woman in the video was and it didn't take long before I saw her face and it was that of my then wife.

My XWW returned while I was watching the video and saw me silently crying. She saw the video of her and the OM having sex and started crying uncontrollably. She ran to the bathroom where she started puking her brains out and crying. I couldn't take it anymore and simply got the hell out of our apartment. I spent a few days with a good friend of mine who had been cheated by his XWW and who helped me get the professional help I needed. I owe this man a world of gratitude for helping me during one of my darkest hours. 

After my first wife died of ovarian cancer, I never thought I would experience something more gut wrenching painful as that. I was wrong.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Omg


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Mori: Your recollection definitely jogged my memory banks and I was as saddened to rehear that heartbreaking revelation now as I was back when you first related it! 

I would say that your XW makes my own rich, skanky XW seem like a little "choir girl," but I really can't go there; as she once related to me that during her first marriage to her wealthy alcoholic first XH, that they had often found it exciting to occasionally record their sex sessions and watch them together as kind of an aphrodisiac and stimulus to having sex. She said that I should try it but I told her that I was way too reluctant to ever want to do that as it really wasn't my thing! To which she said that I needed to let my hair down and to just live a little!

I asked her where the videotapes were of her and him and she related that her XH must have undoubtedly taken them from the home when he moved out for the final time! I also asked her if it didn't really bother her knowing that those tapes were out there somewhere, knowing that they could end up falling into "the wrong hands." Her short response was, "I suppose if certain people like Mom or the kids saw them, that it would really bother me, but I'd share them with you if I had them. My startled reply was simply "Don't even bother ~ I wouldn't want to see them!"

That being said, I can't help but think that she was so covertly narcistic, that she, in all probability, "got off" on watching herself perform ~ greatly to the point that it absolutely would not surprise me that if she willingly engaged in that activity with her other men. 

If so, I really consider myself so very fortunate in that I never got to see anything like that, or what you did. Unlike you, I didn't really have personal access to her email, or her FB, or to any other unknown social media sites that she may have frequented. And largely because of that, I can't really say that it may not have already been there ~ as it was bad enough for me, as a newly separated man, to merely find out from her cell phone timelines and texts of what it was that she had been doing, all while we were supposedly "faithfully married to each other!" Just reading the sheer suggestively written dialogue between her and her OMen oftentimes revealed mind-bending pictures and images that made me want to flat out puke!

Truth be told, had I seen such a "show" as you did, Mori, I really don't know if I could have handled it any better than you did either!

If I saw it now however, I'd probably just die laughing at it! Just before placing copies of those pics with her family!

But truth be told, even if I did that ~ well as justifiably self-serving as she is, she'd probably Xerox the things and send them out as Christmas cards! *


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mori...

Damn.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Agreed, that's awful


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The moment I saw her texts back and forth with the other man. I knew my marriage was over in that moment


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Arbi, if you remember, my XWW went downhill shortly after that coffee shop meeting. She attempted suicide and her FOO (family of origin) got her into a psychiatric hospital. While she was there, her FOO made the grisly discovery that she had been continuously raped by a male cousing of hers, when she was just a young, teenage girl. She never told any one, not even her FOO.

According to our mutual friend, the doctor who was treating her, was told of the events preceding her mental meltdown (her affair, the dissolution of her marriage and the coffee shop meeting with me). He said that in many cases of untreated childhood sexual trauma, self destructive behavior gets manifested in different ways and one of them is through affairs. Than in her situation, the affair may have been her way of regaining the power that was taken away from her by the repeated rapes she endured.

This knowledge of her tragic past, made me very sad for her. It's one thing to have suffered like I did, but when someone who was once so close to you, endured such horrific experience during childhood, you sometimes can't help but feel some compassion towards her. I thought about reaching out to her as a friend but got shot down by her doctor who believed that doing so might have been counterproductive to her treatment and recovery. From our mutual friend, I have gotten accounts that my X is now happier than she's ever been in years and that makes me happy.

Lastly, my good friend (the one I credit for saving me during my darkest of hours) was in law enforcement at the time. He strongly advised me not to go after the OM for he was nothing but a scvmbag who will eventually get what was coming to him, and that it was not worth to risk losing my freedom and family over him. So I gave my friend the POS e-mail address and had him erase my computer's hard drive.

Little did I know that my friend found out who the POSOM was and discovered that he had a long, criminal record but never told me until almost 4 years after d-day when he discovered that the POSOM had been found murdered in his apartment. Talk about the karma bus running over the POSOM, stopping and backing up, running over him again, and finally moving forward for one last running over.

If my story has any value, is that no matter how devastating betrayal is, the BS won't just simply make it, but will transcend it and thrive.



arbitrator said:


> *Mori: Your recollection definitely jogged my memory banks and I was as saddened to rehear that heartbreaking revelation now as I was back when you first related it!
> 
> I would say that your XW makes my own rich, skanky XW seem like a little "choir girl," but I really can't go there; as she once related to me that during her first marriage to her wealthy alcoholic first XH, that they had often found it exciting to occasionally record their sex sessions and watch them together as kind of an aphrodisiac and stimulus to having sex. She said that I should try it but I told her that I was way too reluctant to ever want to do that as it really wasn't my thing! To which she said that I needed to let my hair down and to just live a little!
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The karma bus driver said: "That's the f [email protected] ticket!"

If anyone ever deserved it, he did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

badaboom said:


> _I had another thread going (He doesn't understand why it was not ok), but something's gone wonky with it on the site._
> 
> My husband is intermittently packing up his things (not removing them from the house yet though). He's also canceled the satellite. He is dating the OW, though he swears he is not because they "haven't done anything" (which I do not believe anyway).
> 
> ...


I took mine off immediately after she ended things (3 days before dday).

I think you should take it off. It will be painful, but a big step that's necessary for you to move on, and closure for you.

You're just delaying the inevitable if you don't - rip that bandaid off.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Matt, I've never wished death upon another human being but I cannot say that this POS, through his actions, didn't get what he asked for, in spades.




MattMatt said:


> The karma bus driver said: "That's the f [email protected] ticket!"
> 
> If anyone ever deserved it, he did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

morituri said:


> Matt, I've never wished death upon another human being but I cannot say that this POS, through his actions, didn't get what he asked for, in spades.


I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I took mine off the moment I realized I was 8 months into false R and decided to file for divorce. I was attempting to have one last discussion with XWW when she clammed up as usual. Out of frustration I took it off and threw it on the dresser and told her "I'm done".


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## 2little2late (Oct 7, 2014)

I can't get the dang thing off!!


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## jessicag (May 24, 2015)

Immediately and threw it right in his f***ing face!


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Healer said:


> I took mine off immediately after she ended things (3 days before dday).
> 
> I think you should take it off. It will be painful, but a big step that's necessary for you to move on, and closure for you.
> 
> You're just delaying the inevitable if you don't - rip that bandaid off.


I'd been taking it off off and on (going full days without). I just took it off on Sunday and it's staying off.


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