# my house, your house and who can sleep there...



## bartonfink (Feb 16, 2020)

hi. this is my first post 

We have a 5yo son. Been married 12 y. Things got difficult in may. In September I rent a room and left her with the house, thinking that it would help us settle our problems and start anew. Didn’t help much. In fact, things got worse. She asked for divorce 2 months ago. At the end of December she met some guy. Recently I discovered that he sleeps in the house occasionally (my son told me… and I did my inquiry…). I still don’t accept the divorce and until that discovery I was still hoping that we could (and should) do whatever necessary to make this marriage work. I panicked. I surprised them sleeping in bed one night (in OUR house, with OUR boy sleeping in his room). After that she told me that it was psychological violence, that this was her house too, that this guy will sleep whenever she wants (said he lives far from the house, would be too complicated otherwise…) and that I should just cope with that, period. I’m lost… don’t know what to do…

Just adding that we are still waiting for her papers of permanent residency. If I divorce her now, it'll mean that she will have to go back to her country. With our boy. I don't want that. 

Any tips to go through this? Any advice as to what to do with that?
Thanks in advance.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Divorce her get your share, and think about taking your son, if your wife wants a new start, or if the child is in potential danger. Sell the house or let her pay you for your half. But you made the first step by moving out, and if she (as well as men) know the marriage is pretty well over. But she should have had class and waited for the divorce, 

But Now you got your reason why your marriage was not working!! 

She already had a warm body to fill your spot. But what's pathetic is her response that it was her home so her new lover should be able to stay. Now since you cash in your chips run and take what you can get.


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## bartonfink (Feb 16, 2020)

if I divorce her right now, she will have to go back to her country, since she has a visitor visa here. and she would take our son with her. that's not an option at the present moment. but I don't know if I correctly understood the rest of your answer.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

bartonfink said:


> if I divorce her right now, she will have to go back to her country, since she has a visitor visa here. and she would take our son with her. that's not an option at the present moment. but I don't know if I correctly understood the rest of your answer.


Well, I wonder what if you get the lawyer to stipulate, protection against her removing him from his home country. But as far as her having to go back to her home country. So I am unfamiliar this this visitor visa, I thought once married it superceded the need for a visa? So are your still married or divorce? Or are you just living together? Is your name on the birth certificate? I guess I'm a little confused on your relationship with the mother of your child.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

this is common during and even for years after a divorce, but honestly you are no longer together and you will just have to get used to the fact she has moved on. as long as she is not inviting a known dangerous person to the home, you really don't have grounds to do anything. and sadly if she up and goes back to her home country all I can say is you better hope they are dad friendly and will support efforts to return your son. don't count on it, but you can hope.


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## bartonfink (Feb 16, 2020)

we married in Russia, had our kid there too. we lived there for 10 years and then had to move to Canada where I bought a house, car and everything. since then we filled all papers for her to get permanent residency. we haven't filed for divorce yet, but she considers that, since she already asked for it she can do whatever she wants. including inviting her new bf to sleep whenever she wants.

she tells me that she has the right to live there and all, that my arriving there without any warning constitutes a violation of her intimacy or something like that. I'm not against the fact that she has a boyfriend, I just don't want him to live there like he's the new man of the house now...


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## bartonfink (Feb 16, 2020)

happy2gether said:


> this is common during and even for years after a divorce, but honestly you are no longer together and you will just have to get used to the fact she has moved on. as long as she is not inviting a known dangerous person to the home, you really don't have grounds to do anything. and sadly if she up and goes back to her home country all I can say is you better hope they are dad friendly and will support efforts to return your son. don't count on it, but you can hope.


I can get used to/cope with anything, except the fact that my son is more exposed to him than I am, and all that it can mean to a 5yo to see that his mother is happy with a man which is not his father. I noticed that he's already not used to me or to be with me anymore. relationship is starting to change... and to me that's just hell...

I know she wouldn't flee with our son. I trust her on that. but this "guy living in our house" thing is destroying everything that's left of our possibility to have a peaceful separation...

and of course, I'm the one to blame because I'm the one not accepting the situation...

I'm going nuts...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lawyer up!!!!

In your case things are complicated. You need an expert, and you need someone who can effectively argue on your behalf. You are a babe in the woods when it comes to legal details. Honestly you have no idea what the legalities are or how to win what you want.

I am usually a DIY kind of person, but you have to know when you need an expert. It will be well worth whatever it costs. 

IMHO, and IANAL, you have every right to move into your house, and every right to prevent anyone from entering it. If I were you, I would move back into the house today, and I would seek to have the bf prevented from entering. In the USA there are ways you can do this, but there are other ways which will put you in jail despite being morally correct. Here it would involve calling the police and also getting a restraining order against him. The point is, you should be able to accomplish this where you live but you have to do it the right way.

So, again, lawyer up first thing tomorrow morning!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Yes, l see your point but life never works out as you want it to. I feel for you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

bartonfink said:


> we married in Russia, had our kid there too. we lived there for 10 years and then had to move to Canada where I bought a house, car and everything. since then we filled all papers for her to get permanent residency. we haven't filed for divorce yet, but she considers that, since she already asked for it she can do whatever she wants. including inviting her new bf to sleep whenever she wants.
> 
> she tells me that she has the right to live there and all, that my arriving there without any warning constitutes a violation of her intimacy or something like that. I'm not against the fact that she has a boyfriend, I just don't want him to live there like he's the new man of the house now...


You really do need to speak to a lawyer. 

In my US state, she's actually within her rights. Here, once separated, dating and even living together with a new partner isn't considered adultery. Here, because you left the marital home, she has use of the property and is free to invite guests for the day or night. Also, here, you still own the home and can move back in at any time. However, she would still be free to invite guests whether you like them or not and all you can do is make things awkward for them.

So, talk to a lawyer and see what the law there says. Maybe there are things you can do, but it might be your hands are temporarily tied.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Who is paying the expenses on the house (house note, utilities, taxes, etc)?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have now found out does not help repair a marriage. It is just one more step towards divorce. To fix a marriage, you have to be together.

Now what do you do? Talk to a lawyer. Since divorce has not been filed, and you are still married, and you are an owner of the home, you might be able to just move back in. Is there a room in the home that you can use as your own room? This will put you on more even ground in a divorce and maybe even help to repair the relationship (if that's what you still want.)

What is your custody agreement right now? It sounds like your wife decides when you get to have time with your son. This is completely unacceptable if it's the case.

You also need to talk to a lawyer about a custody agreement even if you just stay separated right now. Can you get a legal separation where you live so that your wife can stay in country? Ask the lawyer about you getting 50% custody and time with your son.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I would talk to a lawyer. The permanent residency issue is a big one. Clearly you want to continue it to keep your son, but she could really screw you. You, as the spouse, signed a sponsor agreement in which you agreed to ensure she would not be a "burden on the system" for 3 years following the date she becomes a permanent residency. Im not sure how far you guys are into the process or if she is working yet (she qualifies for a work permit at the approval in principle stage), but if you continue the process to permanent residency (despite divorcing), and assuming you are passed the proving the relationship stage, she could literally choose to go on social services and get it, requiring you to pay back every single cent they give her. I dont know anything about her or if she would ever be that vindictive, just saying she could do it and there is ZERO recourse for you if she does. 

Sent from my SM-A530W using Tapatalk


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## bartonfink (Feb 16, 2020)

NotEZ said:


> I would talk to a lawyer. The permanent residency issue is a big one. Clearly you want to continue it to keep your son, but she could really screw you. You, as the spouse, signed a sponsor agreement in which you agreed to ensure she would not be a "burden on the system" for 3 years following the date she becomes a permanent residency. Im not sure how far you guys are into the process or if she is working yet (she qualifies for a work permit at the approval in principle stage), but if you continue the process to permanent residency (despite divorcing), and assuming you are passed the proving the relationship stage, she could literally choose to go on social services and get it, requiring you to pay back every single cent they give her. I dont know anything about her or if she would ever be that vindictive, just saying she could do it and there is ZERO recourse for you if she does.


I think that she has good intentions, she wouldn't do anything just to piss me off or to profit from the situation (like going on social services and etc.). she wants me to see my boy and all, it's just that she doesn't have any attention whatsoever to what it can mean to me and to us that she already uses our house for her "new life", 2 months after asking for divorce...

the fact is that I didn't expect this kind of attitude, which is purely egoistic, selfish, self-centered. I expected from a wife with whom I spent the last 12 years trying to build a family something more respectful of the fact that this divorce thing is so fresh and that it involves a 5 yo, so naive, so ready to accept anything... yet so aware, deep down inside, that something isn't right in all that... it just revolts me...

but then again, it just means that all this wasn't meant to be, that it had to collapse some day or another, that it was doomed long ago. I just have to accept it. in fact, I would have accept it way long ago if it hadn't been for all those lies and secrets and half-truths...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am sorry you are going through this sweetheart, and I can hear your pain.

I would absolutely move back in, even if only for the fact it will give you more time with your son. You are already feeling disconnected from him, and nothing is worth that. Go home, and enjoy this precious time with your child. They are little so briefly, so don’t voluntarily give up any of your time with him. He needs you, and you need him.

I wish you the best.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Can you move back into your house ?

Do you contribute to any payments related to the house ?

Is your name on the title deed ?

Is it possible that she waited until you guys came to Canada before starting up so that she could live in Canada ?

Are you both originally of Russian origin and is the new bf also of Russian origin ?

There are reasons why I ask all of this as I have seen something like this play out before.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep, GO HOME. She cannot stop you from moving back into YOUR home.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir.
Divorce her immediately. Let her go back to Russia. In my city this is an ongoing thing. It has been referred to as the Irina scam. Marry a citizen until it is all but assured that immigrant status ie Green Card is forthcoming, then dump that shmendrick, and move on. Had one or two scream they could not go back as they had a criminal record and faced long term jail sentences, that is unless they had a large amount of cash for bribes. One chap was about to give her $10K to take a powder. We stopped the bank transfer midway between London and Moscow. We did not take her off her flight, and she was surely perturbed when DeutscheBank said her deposit was incomplete.


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## bartonfink (Feb 16, 2020)

I just want to stop you right there folks. I understand that there have been a lot of scams with Russian women, but mine is not like that. and for all I can accuse her of doing to me, that I surely can't. she's not like that, I know it. I know that she didn't had a plan of leaving me once in Canada. I just know it. if I can trust her on one thing, it's right there. she's done a lot to make my life miserable for the past 9 months, but she didn't need to become a Canadian citizen, I'm 100% sure of that. she just didn't need that. she was perfectly happy in Russia and never thought leaving her country. she actually left Russia because I decided we were going to leave. she followed me here. it's just that things didn't went as we thought they would be, once we got settled...

trust me on that. I'm no victim. not of that kind of scam.

but thank you for caring and for your attention. I really appreciate it, and I take good notes of all your advices and commentaries.

0


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

ouch what a mess the laws are so different in US even by different states, you need sound legal advice from an expert in Canada.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If you move back in....

Warn her first of your intentions.

It will do you no good to get into an altercation with the 'other man'.

Do this for your son, as others have said.

Divorce happens to 50% of marriages. 
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While you are not alone in your misery, misery cares not for statistics.

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Pain is felt while an injury remains. Remove the injury, which is your wife.

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Try to get an injunction, preventing her from taking her/your son back to Rossiya. I suspect she does not want to do that. Why would she?

You said you had to leave Rossiya. Does that mean she cannot, or should not return to Mother Rossiya?

If true, use this to your advantage in divorce court by getting her to sign a statement, never to take your son anywhere (far) without your permission.

After talking to your lawyer, see if you can postpone the divorce to her advantage and thus permitting her to get her temporary citizen card.

Why? 

To keep her from fleeing the country or the Province. If you can get her to sign off on not letting this OM in your joint house, and if she does not take your son back to who knows where, you will allow her to stay in the house. She can date whomever she pleases, but she cannot bring them around your son until the divorce is final.

Tell her is she refuses, you will be forced to start the divorce. Remind her that her Visitors Visa will likely become invalid. 

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Dislike her for her lies and deception, forgive her for her 'seemingly thoughtless' self-preservation.

She is likely confusing Rossiyan law with the laws of Canada.

Just curiosity on my part....Is her new man a Rossiyan speaker?

Just a thought, and just sayin'


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