# How long does this phase last?



## labtech (Apr 3, 2010)

Hi I'm a 1st time poster and need some non biased opinions. 
A little history I'm 37yrs old and been married 15 yrs have 2 children. My husband is the only person I have ever dated, kissed...etc you get the picture. We are like two peas in a pod. He is truly my soulmate and I am so lucky to have him!!! 

Now here's the kicker... I apprently am midlife crisising( if that is a wanord) I have zero self esteem and would just like for someone else to say "Hey your hot" My husband is very good at this, but I feel that his opinion doesn't really count as he is obligated to like me we're married. I know it's not right and It would not be right to try to start a relationship (friend,emotional or otherwise) so why do I want this to happen so bad??? 

Just wondering if any of you have experinced this and how long this phase will last???


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

The fact that you are married, doesn't mean that you do not have to like others compliments. Everyone likes compliments. Makes you feel better about yourself, and it's Ok as long as you don't take them seriously, and do not give these people who compliment you, a reason to ''misunderstand'' your reaction, or your body language.  
How long it lasts? As long as you want to feel attractive.


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

labtech said:


> I have zero self esteem and would just like for someone else to say "Hey your hot" My husband is very good at this, but I feel that his opinion doesn't really count as he is obligated to like me we're married.


If you read here very long, you'll find that many husbands feel no obligation whatever to find their wives attractive.

If you just want some independent affirmation, you could put your picture on "hotornot.com" and see what comes up. If you score high, there's your affirmation. If you score low, remember that your husband thinks you're attractive so who cares about a bunch of strangers?


----------



## labtech (Apr 3, 2010)

didn't even know there was such a website. Hotornot funny... 

It might not even be the fact that I need reassured I'm "hot" I think it is me just in a rut, doing a lot of "what if's" 
I never used to look @ other people and think hmmm he's kinda of cute.....now I do. 
Maybe this is more a case of desperate housewife syndrome?

No I haven't been on these boards long, just actually found this website eariler today so I do more reading. Thanks for the tips tho.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Why wouldn't you think you're attractive? Have you gained a lot of weight? Have you been wearing the same clothes/hairstyle forever? Are you stuck in a rut and doing the same thing for years? 

At about your age what happens is you take a look at your life and say "Is this it?". Then you go into panic mode and do stuff to try and change it. Some indeed refer to this as a mid-life crisis. It's stereotype is the middle age guy who buys the red hot sports car and the wife will go on a "crazy" binge which involves shopping, bar hopping, etc. 

This is all fine and good if you are constructive about this. Your husband doesn't HAVE to say you are hot. The fact that he does think you are is a good thing! But you need to feel good about yourself because no matter how many times you are told you are great looking if you don't feel it yourself it won't matter. 

So take a good long hard look at yourself. Now is the time to embark on a diet/exercise program and get yourself in shape. That'll make you feel great (trust me on this!  If you have the same ol' hairstyle then get a new do! If you haven't bought some clothes for yourself then go and get something pretty (though you might want to wait to shed those pounds if that's in the game plan). 

If there are hobbies and activities that you've always wanted to try then look into doing them. If you can share them with your husband then so much the better!

If you haven't already, schedule some "alone time" with your husband as a couple. I don't know how old the kids are but chances are they are at an age where you can at least get a sitter for them (or maybe you are lucky and they can "sit" themselves). If you can get out there and do some fun stuff with your husband!

Rebuild your life in a constructive manner and you can make this crisis into something great. It can be a whole new stage of life. Mid-life need not be a crisis. 

I guess I can sign this as "Been there, done all this". Good luck and have fun!


----------



## labtech (Apr 3, 2010)

Thanks for the reply Mr(?) Freak or leash... Um have done the whole workout program and shed 50lbs actually competed in a bench competition the last weekend in March and took second place. Just got highlights in the hair and just spent 400$ of tax return to buy "skinny" spring clothes which is so not me. 
Children are 4 and 2. 
All these things still not really doin it for me.... I really have a fantasic spouse and healthy children so what the heck is my problem???

I don't believe that I want anyone else I don't think the grass is greener but I'm just blah..... Is this a case that I didn't sew the oats when younger? I've only ever been with 1 man (not referring to just sex..everything dates, hand holding, high fives , long stares ...you get the jist) and that has been since 1989.

I do believe this is a phase, just would appreciate some help in finding what will slap me out of this funk. Thanks!


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'm a Mrs Freak on a Leash. Don't you like Korn? 

:smthumbup: That sounds GREAT! You are pretty much on the same path as I am...shedding weight, new hairdo and yeah, I dropped a bundle on some spring clothes, which I'm lovin'! But this isn't cutting it for you? 

I think you are suffering from the "grass is greener" syndrome. You might be overthinking it. I think it's a good thing to have dated around before marrying but many do as you do and fall in love and marry their first. As long as things are good between you then you aren't missing anything. The dating scene usually pretty much stinks. Do a google search and read some horror stories about it. 

What you might be needing to do with two young kids is to look hard at what you and your husband are doing together. You might need to build some excitement back in your marriage. I pretty much am aware of where you are at because I was in exactly the same place at your age and that's when my "mid-life crisis" hit..at about age 35. 10 years later with my kids 15 and 12 it's a whole different world. I love being able to get out of the house sans children. My husband and I enjoy a lot of activities together (kayaking, hanging out, dinner, bars, concerts, etc, etc). 

You might want to try and get a sitter and get out if you aren't doing so already or at least schedule some "alone time". With two young kids my bet is that you aren't getting much. 

I think you should concentrate on working to improve and inject some excitement into your marriage instead of wondering what being with another guy is like. 

You might also want to look into getting into a hobby yourself. Sounds like you are into lifting weights so that's a good thing. I am into kayaking, camping, skiing and wheeling in my Jeep and before that I raced cars and did a bunch of traveling. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy. But it helped me get through this same crazy phrase that many of us middle aged people go through. 

Good luck!


----------



## labtech (Apr 3, 2010)

aww yes korn I do like them.

Thanks for the advice I will have to try that. Now thinking on this some you are probly right. I work weekends in order not to have daycare and well he works all week so we probly are NOT getting enough time together and definately not enough excitement. I will maybe try to concentrate on trying to figure out ways to be creative in causing "good" excitement instead of a pity party on what I'm missing out on..

Thanks for the advice I'll give it a try.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Yep, I was thinking that you don't really want to have an affair or get involved with someone else but you are looking for some excitement in your life. What happens with "Mid Life Crisis" is you get to a point in your life when you realize that you aren't going to live forever and is THIS all you've got to show for your life and you hit panic mode. You start thinking about what you've missed in your life and haven't done and are trying to figure what you can do to make up for it. 

Constructive pursuits like new hobbies, losing weight, getting clothes, injecting passion into your marriage is good. Embarking on affairs and doing other stupid, inappropriate things that will destroy your life and family is bad. Just stating the obvious. 

Your work schedule is a problem. You are going to have to be creative on this one. Your kids are young and if you don't have a support network of family and friends (I didn't) it can be a real challenge. Try and be creative. Even a few hours a day holed up in the bedroom with a candle and glass of wine and some nice conversation is a good start. Good luck.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have worked hard to reinvent your body to what you should have had at age 20. So you feel you deserve attention for it. And you're right. But you and your husband are in such a rut, neither of you knows how to get there.

First, you should be spending 15 hours a week TOGETHER, which does NOT include the kids. Biking, walking, bowling, jigsaw puzzles, new restaurants, new plays, basically doing what you would have done at age 20. You DO have to work on a marriage. And if you do, you will both experience renewed interest in each other.

Here's a great book to get, now that you're all 'fixed up.' It's called "52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex" and it has 26 invitations that You give your husband, and 26 that HE gives you. It will reawaken your sexual interest in each other - and not in a kinky way - very romantic, sexual, fun. Great stuff.


----------

