# Hubby has OCD/ADHD and I'm fed up & sad



## girlsaveyoursoul (Feb 8, 2013)

Living with my husband has not been easy. Right now he is struggling a lot at work, so I know he needs me to be his safe place when he comes home, but I just get so mad! He is normally finished work at 3:30pm and tonight didn't get home until 7:30pm because his OCD took over and he couldn't let go of something at work. We have 2 very hyper-active demanding and difficult children and he knows how hard they are to deal with and knows I need his help. I am positive that our children have the same thing as him...but they are too young to be diagnosed.

I run a home daycare out of our home, so I have 5 children here during the day and my day starts at 7am. I feel like I am working a 12-13 hour day dealing with demanding children and I need a mental break too. 

I am just at my wits end with it and feel so lost. I am stressed out too, I have my own health and issues that need tending to, but I feel like most of my needs aren't met because his overshadow everything in our lives. I've talked to him about it over and over for years, but it's like talking to a wall. Nothing changes. His OCD/ADHD overpowers. I feel like it's ruining our marriage and it's affecting our children. (They didn't see him at all today)

He has a psychiatrist who he sees regularily, a psychologist and we have also been in marriage counseling since April. He is on meds. I feel like things are getting worse, not better 

Just wanted a place to vent and maybe see there are others out there like me.


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## Longtermer (Oct 1, 2014)

Hi there. I don't really know what advice to give but just wanted to let you know youre not alone. I have OCD and depression and at times have made my husbands life a living hell. I am not as extreme as your husband but I can feel where he's coming from and Im sure he is just as frustrated. It takes a very strong marriage to deal with mental issues and you musnt feel like a bad person if you cant always cope. Allow yourself some self pity occssionally and don't be afraid to tell people how you feel. Your true friends wont judge you. Keep your chin up honey x


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

girlsaveyoursoul said:


> Living with my husband has not been easy. Right now he is struggling a lot at work, so I know he needs me to be his safe place when he comes home, but I just get so mad! He is normally finished work at 3:30pm and tonight didn't get home until 7:30pm because his OCD took over and he couldn't let go of something at work. We have 2 very hyper-active demanding and difficult children and he knows how hard they are to deal with and knows I need his help. I am positive that our children have the same thing as him...but they are too young to be diagnosed.
> 
> I run a home daycare out of our home, so I have 5 children here during the day and my day starts at 7am. I feel like I am working a 12-13 hour day dealing with demanding children and I need a mental break too.
> 
> ...


This is all just advice from an outsider, so take that for what it is worth:

I think you need to recharge your batteries first. Your job and your children require so very much of you and I suspect you are running on empty. Can you let him have the kids for a full weekend? Just get away, even if it's by yourself. 

After that, it's a careful assessment of where you are and where you want to go. Can you get to where you want to be with the path you are heading down? If not, you need to take baby steps to get on that path. What those steps are will unfold as you take them, I suspect.

As for your H, he needs to get treatment. If he can leave work at 3 and not get home until after the kids are in bed, then his issues are affecting his relationship with his entire family, not just you. I'm sorry to say, but you can't fix what isn't your problem, even though you end up dealing with the aftermath. It is frustrating, I'm sure!

Best of luck to you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It does sound like you need a hand sometimes. 
Hopefully you have a backup person for your day care and kids, like most of us who run a business and also most parents who at least have a sitter in place in case one is needed on short notice. My advice would be to invest a bit in that backup person, giving them some regular hours so you can have some wiggle room and ease the stress. 
I had a kid with a disability and spending $10 an hour on a caregiver for respite care was definitely something I could not do without. You might be able to find someone from a university or community college or tech school that certifies early childhood educators or caregivers. I 'stole' a student in early childhood education/OT from a day care near our state university. Had absolutely no feelings of guilt. lol. She made a world of difference to my family when I needed her most. 
The bottom line here is that I don't think that you should think about relying on your husband to help out at this time in the capacity you'd like him to. You would only worry and have to provide oversight, you would spend more time and create even more stress than you are trying to avoid. 
Your health is important too. Just because you don't spend time and money on psych care for yourself doesn't mean you don't need to take care of your health and well being in other ways that will provide the outcome you need. 
Some people do evolve into great parents when faced with the challenge. Others take a lot of time to overcome their difficulties and conditions, if they can at all. This is unfortunate, but you need to deal with your reality and plan around that, not around the could/would/should which is not real at all.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It is called hyperfocus for ADHD people, not, OCD. OCD is very different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

How long has your husband been treated for ADHD/OCD? It doesn't sound like the treatment is working if he had a 4hr delay in coming home.

Are you ever present at any of his sessions? 4 of 5 of us in my family have ADHD and I recently learned that adults can't self-diagnose well and that input from someone else (spouse, parent, sibling) who is involved in daily life can be a reality check for the practitioner as to what's really going on.

Also, if the meds aren't working, it might be time to try something different- new meds, new therapist, vitamin therapy, life coaching or maybe try to get a better diagnosis. ADHD has lots of subtypes that are treated differently. The combo AHDH co-morbid with OCD might also require a different treatment.

I know you posted a long time ago... I hope things are looking up for you!


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Whatever happened with this girlsaveyoursoul? Is there any improvement?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

What meds, if any, is he on?


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