# Husband can't settle down, I want to stop moving



## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

My husband refuses to settle down in any one place for more than a year. He's an independent contractor and his contracts are usually 6-9 months long and he usually works 60-80 hours a week often 7 days a week while he's on a job. We've moved 18 times in the 25 years we've been married. Been all over the US and also been in England, Sweden, Australia, and even a stint in Japan. Never had kids (his decision), never bought a house, I've never been able to have a career because we've moved so often for his, even though I have a Master's degree I've never had a chance to use it. I don't get to see my family more than once a year, I've barely ever seen my 4 nieces and nephews and they're teenagers. Crazily enough with the hours he's worked we've never really even done much sight seeing anywhere we've lived which is a real shame. But I don't like to go out without him due to severe anxiety issues from an assault I suffered years ago.

I've lived with it all this time because it's what he wanted. I was raised to believe that the man is the head of the household and the woman should always allow him to make the decisions. But my parents are getting old and not going to be around much longer and at almost 50 years old I just want to go back home and settle down. I would think he'd be ready to settle down too at almost 60 (he's 13 years older than me). Instead he says I'm being selfish. But honestly I think he's the one being selfish he's ALWAYS gotten what he wanted in this marriage and I've gotten very little except material things I don't really care about. He says I should be grateful because he makes enough money that we can have whatever we want. Yeah, except for kids, a home, pets (we move too much), a place we stay long enough to even bother decorating, a real career (hard when you can't promise a company more than 6 months). He thinks his high income should be enough to "justify" all the sacrifices I've made. But I'm so tired of moving, and being bored, and being lonely. I used to volunteer and get involved in local churches but it got to the point where i just could no longer stand making friends just to lose them again. At this point I'm suffering from major anxiety and depression and I'm basically just miserable.

I don't want to leave him, but I don't know if I can do this until he retires especially since he says he might NOT retire! Constantly moving in your 50s is no longer the adventure it was in our 20s and 30s. At least not for me. But he thrives on it. I don't know how to tell him I can't do this anymore without seeming selfish or risking our marriage falling apart over it. 

Right now he's on a short term contract out of the country and I'm staying with my parents for the duration because it really didn't make sense for me to go this time. He figured that without me he could just stay in a hotel at the company's expense, rather than having to find an apartment if I went with him. Which I appreciate the chance to stay home for a while but also can't help but wonder why for the first time he didn't seem to want me with him. He took his new (and much younger) female assistant instead which makes me nervous but I let them go because I needed this break so badly. There's a part of me that is seriously considering not going back to him when he returns unless he agrees to find a permanent job and finally settle down and spend some time at home. He's worked so much all these years I feel like I really don't know him anymore anyway.


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## Luv2travel (Sep 20, 2017)

The only thing consistent in your relationship is your husband's power and control over you. He's always called the shots and likely always will. He isn't going to change at almost 60 years old. He likely has a deep rooted "work addiction" that stems from insecurities and a strong fear of commitment. He has you on a tight leash. You are off the leash right now as he gets to travel with a young lady that he may want to know a "little more". You'd simply be a distraction. 

He thrives on the fact that you have anxiety and depression and that's how he stays in control. You are co-dependent my dear. You gave this man 25 years of your life. 

Take this opportunity to file for a divorce and cut him out of your life. He is not going to find a permanent job and settle down. He may tell you that when he finds out your leaving, but he won't change. Don't even give him the chance. Get a restraining order if you suspect he might become abusive. 

After you have filed for divorce and cut of contact with him (don't let him break you down), decide what you want to do with your life. Find a city or towns that speaks to you and apply for jobs. Maybe in a year buy a home and get a pet. Oh, and it's not too late to adopt a child.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You need to get to that location and see what they are doing. I bet they are staying in the same room together. Frankly, I wouldn't be suprised if there is no job and he's just shacking up with her knowing you would go along with everything he says. Hire an investigator to see what he is up to.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Lady_of_Rohan said:


> for the first time he didn't seem to want me with him. He took his new (and much younger) female assistant instead which makes me nervous but I let them go because I needed this break so badly. There's a part of me that is seriously considering not going back to him when he returns unless he agrees to find a permanent job and finally settle down and spend some time at home. He's worked so much all these years I feel like I really don't know him anymore anyway.


It sounds like something has changed...in you and in him.

For the first time he didn't seem to want you with him. It sounds like he wanted to be alone with his young female assistant. Don't believe for a second that "things" would never happen between them while they are away together.

I think you need to follow your gut. Don't go back to him, unless he agrees to find a permanent job and settle down. He has savings, right? after making so much money for so many years. He should be giving you a chance to have the roots you want.

Don't be surprised if he balks and refuses and chooses his younger female assistant. I hope this isn't the case.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You need to get to that location and see what they are doing. I bet they are staying in the same room together. Frankly, I wouldn't be suprised if there is no job and he's just shacking up with her knowing you would go along with everything he says. Hire an investigator to see what he is up to.


I can't easily go after them. The contract is out of the country and I have health issues now that make it hard for me to fly long distances. He told me that was why he didn't want me to come this time - because I'm high risk for getting a blood clot during a flight. For a 2-3 month contract he didn't see the point. I doubt I'll be going on most of his international jobs now because my doctor said it really wasn't safe for me to fly anymore.

The thought of them having an affair has crossed my mind. But she's 27 to his 59. I know money talks but that's an awfully big gap! Plus she's not even attractive - she's about 100 pounds overweight and has a bad overbite. I'm better looking than her at almost 47. She's not his type at all. Plus she's married too. I was surprised her husband was even willing to let her go, they've only been married about a year.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> It sounds like something has changed...in you and in him.
> 
> For the first time he didn't seem to want you with him. It sounds like he wanted to be alone with his young female assistant. Don't believe for a second that "things" would never happen between them while they are away together.
> 
> ...


I doubt he'd give me a divorce easily considering I could probably take half of what he's got. Granted we don't own much but yes, there's a lot of savings and retirement money. And I'm sure the divorce settlement would be good to me since he's kept me dependent on him all these years.

I hope she doesn't hook up with him even if that's what he has in mind. I know her and her husband from the church we attended in our last location. They've been married less than a year and seem really happy together. Plus she's young enough to be his daughter - 27 to his 59! I can't imagine being her age and cheating on a husband in his 20s with a man old enough to be a grandfather now - and he looks a good 10 years older than he is. For all his faults as far as I know he's never cheated on me. His first marriage ended due to her cheating. Of course he also always said he was asking for it because he married an 18 year old girl when he was 28 and he wasn't that surprised when she left him for a guy closer to her age. He always tells me he's surprised I haven't cheated on him as well considering we have an even bigger age gap.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You could just take the first step and tell him that you do not want to move anymore, and that you won't be going with him anymore, but will be buying a home where you want to grow old with him. Keep posting here for reality checks when he tells you that you are "selfish" for taking care of your own needs for a change, so you aren't weakened by his manipulative accusations. (Is he mean and manipulative any time you want something different from him?)

Choose a home that you believe you will be able to afford and maintain if you end up divorced, so you aren't forced to sell it in the division of assets.

Then give the situation a deadline in your head, so you don't suffer indefinitely by being married on paper, but living alone because your husband puts work above living with his wife.

Maybe he will value you enough to come home to you. If he doesn't when the deadline hits, file for divorce.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> You could just take the first step and tell him that you do not want to move anymore, and that you won't be going with him anymore, but will be buying a home where you want to grow old with him. Keep posting here for reality checks when he tells you that you are "selfish" for taking care of your own needs for a change, so you aren't weakened by his manipulative accusations. (Is he mean and manipulative any time you want something different from him?)
> 
> Choose a home that you believe you will be able to afford and maintain if you end up divorced, so you aren't forced to sell it in the division of assets.
> 
> ...


He truly believes the way he treats me is loving. But he treats me like a child rather than a wife. I suppose that may come from the age difference and the fact that I was only a teen when we got together and he was a grown man already with a good job and one marriage already behind him. Sometimes I wonder if even now he truly sees me as an adult. He doesn't want me to work, he makes all the decisions, he controls the money and I get an allowance, he doesn't like me going anyplace without letting him know where I'll be at all times. He left me behind this time to "protect" me. And he left me with my parents rather than letting me find a place of my own to stay. He doesn't realize I would rather than he hadn't gone at all.

His international contracts are more than 50% of his work so if he continues them we'll be separated more often than not. If he stops taking them he'll be miserable because the constant travel and change are what drive him. He loves the moving, the excitement of the change, and unfortunately to some extent he's driven by ego. He loves the way people react when he tells them how many places he's been and the big name companies he's worked for and how he's pulled them out of the fire and how much money he makes. I can't see him giving that up. 10 years ago - even 5 years ago - I enjoyed it as well. I might not have been willing to give it up either, after all, there has to be some reason I put up with it for as long as I did. But since my health has gone downhill my priorities have changed. I want to settle down and live a nice quiet anxiety free life preferably somewhere that I can enjoy having my family around me. I'm just sad thinking that it may be impossible for us both to have what we want without splitting up.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Lady_of_Rohan said:


> *I can't easily go after them.*


I did also suggest you hire a PI, which I am again suggesting.



Lady_of_Rohan said:


> *The thought of them having an affair has crossed my mind. But she's 27 to his 59. I know money talks but that's an awfully big gap! Plus she's not even attractive - she's about 100 pounds overweight and has a bad overbite. I'm better looking than her at almost 47. She's not his type at all. Plus she's married too.* I was surprised her husband was even willing to let her go, they've only been married about a year.


You're making the mistake that many women make. While we are judgmental of each other and have the awful tendency to size each other up and form opinions about other women's appearance, men don't see women the way we see each other. They don't have the same opinions and are not nearly as judgmental. They have an entirely different purpose and see women through a very different lense. Even if men say they don't like someone, they are often lying to cover up their true feelings. Women that we see as ugly and fat and everything else unflattering, there may be something about that woman that really turns him on. A man can see for himself that she's ugly and fat, and he would never admit he likes her. He would never admit he would get with her in a nano second, and surely will get with her as soon as he can.

Men like adoration, so if she adores and idolizes him, he could easily like her or even fall in love with her.

Men like flattery, so if she flatters him with compliments like "you're wonderful" and "you're brilliant at what you do" and and "nobody is better than you," then he could easily like her and even fall in love with her. 

Men like feeling powerful, so if she makes him feel superior to her, which is easy for her to do since he is the boss, is older and wiser than her, and has lots more money than she has, then he could easily like her and even fall in love with her. 

Men like being taken care of, so if she looks out for him, anticipates his needs, and makes herself indispensible to him, then he could easily like her and even fall in love with her. 

Men like women to be vulnerable, so if she is a damsel in distress and only he can rescue her, then he could easily like her and even fall in love with her. 

Men getting up in age like much younger women, and much younger women like men who are much older. For her, it's her daddy complex and for him, it's the fountain of youth because she will make him feel younger.

If one or more of these is the case, then she is definitly your competition, despite being married and despite what YOU think of how she looks. Additionally, her weight and being married (just like he is married) could be a challenge for him for all you know. If he is or becomes attracted to her for any of the reasons I stated, he might see her weight as a curiosity and her marriage as a something to conquer. She could easily be a conquest for him and a love interest equally as easy.



Lady_of_Rohan said:


> I doubt he'd give me a divorce easily considering I could probably take half of what he's got. Granted we don't own much but yes, there's a lot of savings and retirement money. And I'm sure the divorce settlement would be good to me since he's kept me dependent on him all these years.


You sound like a woman out of the dark ages, but this is 2018, not 1518, not even 1918. He doesn't have to GIVE you a divorce. Stop thinking you have to live by his permission. If you want a divorce, then file for divorce. But tomorrow you should first go and withdraw half of the money from the bank before he has a chance to withdraw it and start hiding his assests. Please don't tell me you don't have access to the bank account UGH, and then go talk with a divorce attorney. He will gladly and very quickly leave you penniless. Since you have lived your life in service to him, he thinks of you as his servant and not entitled to what he spent his life earning. It's time you start looking out for yourself. Go get what you are entitled to. Do nothing, and you will surely regret it.

You have lived your life by his edicts and by his permission, essentially rendering yourself his subject. But get this in your head: YOU ARE NOT HIS SUBJECT.



Lady_of_Rohan said:


> I hope she doesn't hook up with him even if that's what he has in mind. I know her and her husband from the church we attended in our last location. They've been married less than a year and seem really happy together. Plus she's young enough to be his daughter - 27 to his 59! I can't imagine being her age and cheating on a husband in his 20s with a man old enough to be a grandfather now - and he looks a good 10 years older than he is. For all his faults as far as I know he's never cheated on me. His first marriage ended due to her cheating. Of course he also always said he was asking for it because he married an 18 year old girl when he was 28 and he wasn't that surprised when she left him for a guy closer to her age. He always tells me he's surprised I haven't cheated on him as well considering we have an even bigger age gap.


None of that matters to anyone. It's just a bunch of stuff in your head. People with the exact same circumstances have cheated with each other on their spouses. How much did Walmart charge you for those degrees? Get out of your head and start living in reality. Stop hanging on to his every word and work out the logic of the situation for yourself. He didn't feel he was asking for anything and by marrying a younger woman and didn't regret it either. If he did, he would not have gotten bitten by that decision and THEN went on to marry an even YOUNGER woman than the first one. The bottom line is he likes younger women and now that he's a much older man looking at his own mortality, someone young enough to be his daughter is perfect.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I did also suggest you hire a PI, which I am again suggesting.
> 
> You sound like a woman out of the dark ages, but this is 2018, not 1518, not even 1918. He doesn't have to GIVE you a divorce. Stop thinking you have to live by his permission. If you want a divorce, then file for divorce. But tomorrow you should first go and withdraw half of the money from the bank before he has a chance to withdraw it and start hiding his assests. Please don't tell me you don't have access to the bank account UGH, and then go talk with a divorce attorney. He will gladly and very quickly leave you penniless. Since you have lived your life in service to him, he thinks of you as his servant and not entitled to what he spent his life earning. It's time you start looking out for yourself. Go get what you are entitled to. Do nothing, and you will surely regret it.
> 
> You have lived your life by his edicts and by his permission, essentially rendering yourself his subject. But get this in your head: YOU ARE NOT HIS SUBJECT.


Unfortunately I'm going to tell you exactly what you don't want to hear. I don't have access to the money. I get an allowance that he puts on my debit card every month. He pays all the bills and I don't even know how much he makes. I always accepted it because my parents and my grandparents were the same way. I was raised in a very traditional, old fashioned (and yes, religious) family where women don't work, women don't handle money. Women cook and clean and raise the kids and are taken care of by the men. Yes I got my degree, but it's in a traditional woman's career - elementary education. I never expected to marry as young as I did as I grew up believing I was unattractive and really doubted I'd ever marry at all. Then suddenly here I was a 19 year old college student who had never had a date and this much older man was pursuing me - I didn't stand a chance. He did let me finish school but I'm honestly not even sure why I've never used my degree in my life. Maybe when I was younger he was afraid I would leave if he didn't at least pretend to let me pursue my career. But just about the time I finished school he lost the job he'd had when I met him and decided to start his consulting business, and suddenly we never lived anywhere long enough for me to get a real job. A couple of times I took minimum wage jobs but then he decided that kind of thing was beneath me as his wife and he wouldn't let me do it anymore. After that I just did volunteer work but even that became a problem after a while. I haven't done much outside the home in almost a decade now. I do run an online reselling business and sell some of my nature photography online but he only lets me do that as long as I keep him convinced that it's only a hobby. And I basically have to stop and restart it from scratch every time we move.

I don't really want a divorce. All I want is a normal life. A house, a yard, a dog, a cat, friends I don't have to leave every time I turn around. No more starting to pack practically as soon as I've finished unpacking. He's a good man - as far as I know he's never cheated, he's a fantastic provider, he's very protective of me, he's never hurt me, he's always giving money to his family and mine when they are hard up. Also it seems like a really cruel thing to leave him just as he's entering his senior years and his health is starting to decline (and so is mine but early onset heart disease runs in my family so that was no shock to me). He's already had one bout with cancer and since he refuses to quit smoking I'm sure it won't be the last. His father died of lung cancer at 65 and his grandfather of colon cancer in his 50s. With everything he's given me it seems pretty petty to leave him now. I'm just afraid that if I refuse to travel with him anymore he might find someone else, even if he doesn't divorce me. He gets that I can't fly anymore for his international trips but he might not be so understanding if I refuse to go with him on his domestic contracts anymore. And even though I'm incredibly frustrated right now I do still love him!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem is you can want whatever you want but unless he wants it too -- and obviously he doesn't -- you won't get it. That gives you unfortunately only two choices: stay or leave.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

The first thing you need to do is speak with a lawyer. Some offer free 1 hour consultations. You will learn your rights. As another poster already told you, you don't need his agreement to divorce. Most states are "no fault" and they don't even care if there is adultery. They split everything 50/50.

Since you know nothing about your (and his) finances, he will easily be able to hide $ from you, which he will probably do out of anger because he won't like that you are being independent, and dare to ask him for a divorce and 1/2 of all he owns.

Even after talking with the lawyer, don't tell him that you are considering divorce. Just tell him how badly you need to settle down and ask him to buy a house for you, which can be his "base camp" too.

You are going to have to try to force a new dynamic in your marriage regarding your role. You must know about all the finances: investments, accounts, property owned, and where all the money goes. Is your name even on the main account?

If he refuses, then you have cause to wonder why, and really get upset. Up to this point, he probably thought he was doing the right thing, and that you wanted him to handle everything, while you acted like a child and followed him around. Now you want to be an adult and not only know what is going on, but have an equal say.

He will balk, but you need to be firm. With his being gone all the time, if he is against the new marriage you are trying to create, it will be very difficult to get that change. He is gone, so no marriage counseling possible. Maybe the two of you could do counselling by skype. However it is very difficult to change a marriage, or work on it when you aren't with the spouse.

I would recommend two books for you, both by Willard Harley: His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters.

Also, since you are now ill, and not as available to him, he might be looking for your replacement in the other woman, who is younger, stronger, naiive and gullible (like you used to be.)


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Also, since you are now ill, and not as available to him, he might be looking for your replacement in the other woman, who is younger, stronger, naiive and gullible (like you used to be.)


. . . and able to travel with him since you can no longer do that. He's accustomed to a travel companion. He set his life up for exactly that and enjoyed your mindless obedience and giving up all your life's work and dreams until now since it's no longer working out so perfectly for him. Do you really think he's going to spend every 2, 3, 4, 5, 6-month long stretches with no one there for him? It's time you stop living your life so mindlessly. Stop talk about what YOU want when you know it's not what HE wants. He has already discarded you. He has already replaced you. You cannot travel with him anymore, so you are of no use to him anymore. He used your doctor's orders as the perfect way to logic you into thinking he was only reasonable, when what he was actually doing was discarding you. Surely you know it's going to be the same thing, the same reason, for now on? He knows it too. He knows it's the end, so he has lined up your replacement, and it doesn't matter to him she is what you consider fat, ugly, and married. She will do for now until he finds his next long-term victim to replace the current temporary one.

You have been following his program. Even though you don't like his new program, you have to get with it. You may still love him, but you don't have to let that love rule and decide your life since your love is not what concerns him anymore. You need to understand that love and relationships don't mean the same to men that they mean to women. Women rely (way too heavily) on love itself but for men, you have to serve a purpose. You are of no use to him now, so start looking out for yourself. I won't return trying to convince you to see the reality of your situation. Take what I say or leave it on this page. It's up to you.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Well if an attorney can’t help you solve this then you can always resort to water boarding him. Good grief!!

Op - I’m sorry you’re facing this problem. I think I read you *don’t want a divorce* but want to put in roots somewhere for a change. I think it’s a reasonable feeling. I read this problem is creating health issues. Have you sought the help of a therapist to discuss the cause of the depression? Perhaps a therapist might help you to sort out this issue and see what the resolution options might be.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sounds to me like you painted yourself into a corner. You want to settle in one place. Your husband does not. You are in the dark about finances. You are given an allowance.

You've paid a high price to have a financially secure life. Or, at least you can hope it's secure, since you don't know the details of how much there is, where it is, or how much it's earning in any given year.

I'm going to be blunt here: You infantilized yourself. Your husband took care of you. There is no equal partnership here. He calls the shots, and as far as he's concerned you can put up or shut up.

Bottom line: He does not want to settle in one spot. He's not on the same page as you. You don't want a divorce. But what you want and need from him, he doesn't necessarily want to provide. My only advice is you tell him what you want and see if he will acquiesce to any of your requests. 

You should know all the details about the money. You are an adult. With a marriage of longevity, you are entitled to half of what he's earned for the duration of the marriage. But since you don't want a divorce, then you are pretty much stuck. And, believe me, it IS a corner into which you - and nobody else - painted yourself.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds to me like you painted yourself into a corner. You want to settle in one place. Your husband does not. You are in the dark about finances. You are given an allowance.
> 
> You've paid a high price to have a financially secure life. Or, at least you can hope it's secure, since you don't know the details of how much there is, where it is, or how much it's earning in any given year.
> 
> ...


This was NEVER about money. This was about me at 19 years old with overprotective parents not understanding that maybe there was something different than living a life where the woman could be something other than a housewife once she was married. My mother didn't work. Her sisters didn't work. Neither of my grandmothers worked. My sister has never worked, she just lives on her husband's death benefits and her own disability. My brother's wife works but only because they can't make ends meet if she doesn't. In general the women in the church I grew up in didn't work except on the farms they lived on. We were raised in an environment where that was normal so we never expected much else. I only went to college because I was told all through my childhood and teenage years that I was ugly and no man would ever want me so I figured I might not marry at all. And even then I was studying elementary education - one of the few fields considered acceptable for a woman from my background (we aren't Mennonites but we attended Mennonite church and live in a heavily Mennonite community). When I found a man who wanted me, I ran to him as fast as I could go. If I had been older or somewhat experienced with relationships maybe I would have realized that a 31 year old man pursuing a 19 year old girl was not necessarily a good thing. Maybe I would have understood that he likes to be the daddy in his relationships. But I didn't. And because he kept me closeted away for so long it took years for me to realize it could be different. I didn't realize how much I had missed out on by not having a home or a family until 2 years ago when my husband got cancer and I was the only one there to nurse him through it because our family was thousands of miles away. I came out of that time hoping he would realize that maybe it would be a good idea to make some changes in our lives that would involve relationships with other people. But all the cancer did to him was make him even more dead set on living the "adventurous" life. And I guess that's fine for him. But now that I'm the one who is sick, he's NOT there for me, and that hurts. The fact that he shipped me home to my parents and walked away makes me wonder if maybe he's trying to give me what I asked for without changing his own lifestyle as well. And I'm wondering how we can reconcile this when his job involves SO much flying and I've been told I shouldn't ever fly again. I guess I feel like since I have NO choice about no longer traveling, but he CAN choose to settle down, then he should be the one making that choice because he's the only one of us who actually has options. At the very least I feel like he should give up the international contracts because if he stays in the States at least I can still get from place to place. But it does seem like our marriage means less to him than his career/lifestyle does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've lived life on his terms for a very long time -- could be that's why he picked you -- and he obviously has no intention of changing. He wants what he wants and apparently doesn't care much what you want. Why would he? You've gone along with his wants and needs as long as you've been married. It's what he expects since he's the person in charge. 

That means you have a choice to make.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

To any accountants reading, can she get access to the income tax records? I would guess that she is listed on the 1040 that he files. Can she request copies? That would be a starting point to find out what sort of income there is.

The reality is, he is not going to become the man you want him to become. He's not going to settle down and be a happy, retired husband working in the garden. It may be worth trying, but realize it will be hard and only have a tiny chance for success. Don't hang on to unrealistic hopes forever waiting for him to change.

What sort of major assets/luxuries do you have? If he's making that kind of money and housing is paid for through housing allowances, you should be rolling in money. What is it being spent on?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I did NOT say it was "about money." I was pointing out that a grown woman who is on an allowance and has no idea about the health of the marital finances is being infantilized.

Why get so defensive? Your husband could decide to kick you to the curb and take up with a younger woman. I'm not saying that is the case, but if it happens, it would behoove you to know you could survive.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What I am worried about is your complete lack of awareness of your finances. As a result of this, your husband has the ability to hide money and you would never be able to say for certain what you have and what you don't have. (I regard money earned by any or both parties to be martial asset).

What if your husband drops dead? Where would you begin to look for the money? 

Do you know names of his bank? Where the IRA is located? Are you beneficiary to any of the accounts?

These are questions you need to know the answers to whether you stay married or not. Your husband travels alot and things can happen. If they do you need to be able to gain access to everything.

You can also get access to your taxes from the IRS. You can visit the online irs.gov to see how you can gain a copy of your taxes. 

Please have this conversation with your husband. You need to be included and gain access.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

Openminded said:


> You've lived life on his terms for a very long time -- could be that's why he picked you -- and he obviously has no intention of changing. He wants what he wants and apparently doesn't care much what you want. Why would he? You've gone along with his wants and needs as long as you've been married. It's what he expects since he's the person in charge.
> 
> That means you have a choice to make.


I think he actually married me because I was a very religious 19 year old girl who wouldn't sleep with him without a wedding ring. And he really wanted to sleep with me. Just like he really wanted to sleep with his first wife who was also a teenager when he married her. Believe me I've figured out that he's got a daddy figure thing going on (or did back then) or else he just liked teenagers but always made sure not to go for minors.

He'll be gone for the next 3 months. We've barely communicated since he left. How much he contacts me is going to be a big part of my decisions while he's gone. Whether or not I can fully settle back into my childhood home also has a big part to play. My dad is honestly just like my husband. Now that I'm living at home I'm back under his control. Which means I stay here, or I find a place of my own - which my husband would have to pay for and I'm not sure he'd be willing - or I move in with my sister and put up with 4 teenagers for the next 3 months. If he goes straight from this job to another one overseas I'm think I'll have to assume he no longer cares about me at all. I think it all comes down to what happens when this job ends.

I'm certainly not going to file for divorce while he's an ocean away and has no idea anything is wrong between us worth divorcing over. I'm not sure there IS anything worth divorcing over. Maybe we'll just have to learn to live separately a lot of the time like military couples do. My parents did that for the first 10 years of my life when my dad was in the Navy. If my mom can manage I guess I can as well.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

wilson said:


> To any accountants reading, can she get access to the income tax records? I would guess that she is listed on the 1040 that he files. Can she request copies? That would be a starting point to find out what sort of income there is.
> 
> The reality is, he is not going to become the man you want him to become. He's not going to settle down and be a happy, retired husband working in the garden. It may be worth trying, but realize it will be hard and only have a tiny chance for success. Don't hang on to unrealistic hopes forever waiting for him to change.
> 
> What sort of major assets/luxuries do you have? If he's making that kind of money and housing is paid for through housing allowances, you should be rolling in money. What is it being spent on?


We own almost nothing large except for cars. He has a Porsche and an SUV and I have a mini SUV. We don't own any real estate at all. He was supporting his widowed mother until she passed just 2 years ago. And we lost a big chunk of money (almost $3 million out of pocket) to his cancer treatments because he insisted on staying in the States for treatment even though he could have been treated in England for free. He also pays a lot for my medical insurance - premiums are very high when you're self-insured and have a lot of pre-existing conditions like I do. We help out my sister who is a widow with 4 kids - she and her oldest are both disabled from the same car accident that killed her husband in 2014. Since we don't have kids we've started college tuition funds for all 4 of them. We don't usually have a housing allowance - only with the very short term (2-3 months) contracts. Longer ones we get short term apartments which are expensive, especially some of the places we've lived in where housing costs are ridiculous (Vegas, Boston, London, Sydney, Stockholm, Tokyo, Seattle, Albuquerque just to name a few). A lot of money goes to dining because he prefers to eat out for dinner pretty much every day. He also has a lot of business expenses like wining and dining potential clients and travel, which sometimes is reimbursed and sometimes not. He also has an unlimited data plan with Verizon Wireless International (sat phone) which runs $700 a month. We both have a lot of prescriptions which we don't have good coverage on and of course I'm "lucky" enough (NOT) to need an EpiPen which is now crazy expensive and even if you never have to use them they expire. I run my own small business which according to him is just a hobby and he's probably right. I haven't turned a profit yet and probably never will. We covered the funeral expenses for his mother 18 months ago and for my BIL who died in the accident 4 years ago, and all the medical bills that resulted from the accident that the insurance didn't cover. I can't fault him for being stingy he has done a ton for my family financially. Oh the other thing is because he's a British citizen without a permanent place of residence he has to pay most of his income tax to the UK and their taxes are very high - almost 50%. And depending on the country he's working in sometimes he has to pay taxes to them as well.

But the big thing - unfortunately and this has been the biggest problem in our marriage - is he's a compulsive gambler. And he's no good. He goes to Vegas and Atlantic City and even Monte Carlo when he's between jobs and tends to lose a frightening amount of what he makes. It makes me crazy mad. But he won't stop. He's a good man though - this is really his only major vice. It's not his fault he can't settle down - it's really my fault that I've changed enough to want him to.

I'm sure I could easily get copies of his US taxes. Getting copies of the taxes he's paid in the UK and elsewhere I have absolutely no idea what that would entail.


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## Lady_of_Rohan (Jun 23, 2018)

brooklynAnn said:


> What I am worried about is your complete lack of awareness of your finances. As a result of this, your husband has the ability to hide money and you would never be able to say for certain what you have and what you don't have. (I regard money earned by any or both parties to be martial asset).
> 
> What if your husband drops dead? Where would you begin to look for the money?
> 
> ...


I'm not completely in the dark. I know am the beneficiary/heir on everything he has including a multi million dollar life insurance policy. He has no living family at this point other than me as he is an only child and oddly enough both his parents were also only children. I know where his will is, and who his executor is - it's the corporate lawyer he keeps on retainer for his business, who is also one of his closest friends. If anything were to happen to him, I have been told to contact the lawyer right away.


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## CooperSan (Oct 31, 2019)

Try just talking to your husband and resolving this issue together. Although it is normal that he is still looking for a place where he could settle down and live in peace. I personally also looked for a long time for a place where I would like to live and I could stay there


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Inactive thread. Thread closed.


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