# How do/did you feel about your wife taking your last name?



## Real talk

My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly. 

How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


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## arbitrator

*No problem, either way!

A lot of women do this, understandably because they are professionals, and to "change names" would undoubtedly cause or create confusion with their clientele!*


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## Cromer

We knew a couple who started out with the W keeping her name, then hyphenating it several years later, then dropped the hyphen and took her H's name a few years after that. She wanted to have the same last name as her kids, and her H was dead set against hyphenating their names. His reason? Their names would be too long for many forms and it's confusing to many people.


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## RandomDude

Don't really care but that's just me. Don't really get the tradition really.


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## personofinterest

I can understand someone well known in their profession keeping their name for professional services. I don't get the hyphen thing.

Suzy Jones marries Jack Thompson

The kid is Lila Jones-Thompson. She married Tom Middleton-Gilbert.

Their kid is Chloe Jones-Thompson-Middleton-Gilbert

I wouldn't want to be her school teacher


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## naiveonedave

Cromer said:


> We knew a couple who started out with the W keeping her name, then hyphenating it several years later, then dropped the hyphen and took her H's name a few years after that. She wanted to have the same last name as her kids, and her H was dead set against hyphenating their names. His reason? Their names would be too long for many forms and it's confusing to many people.


Exactly. 

Also, it is a potential sign of a couple of disturbing things to me: lack of commitment and extreme feminism. Neither of which are good for marriage.


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## CharlieParker

My wife kept her name, not even hyphenated. We work in the family business with my sister who has a very similar and easily confused first name, it caused so much confusion. 

I'll answer to Mr Smith and she to Mrs Parker. It's no big deal. 

It comes up from time to time on TAM, it's a couple's preference. Just like we always wear our wedding rings while some people only occasionally wear them. Nobody is any more or less married.


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## Edo Edo

I care, and was clear & open up front. Love me, love my name too...


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## Deejo

At age 26 I had a very different view of marriage than I do at age 53. I'd guess you will too.

The only important factor of that subject is what you both agree on, or don't.


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## sa58

I don't have a problem with it. 
My wife did this 30+ years and still not 
a problem. Our kids do have my last name
however. It wasn't a problem for us then
still isn't today. One thing thou the IRS
doesn't get it . If you file your taxes be sure
to use the hype. If it isn't there they send your 
taxes back.


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## Maxwedge 413

In my first marriage my wife kept her name, no hyphening. I didn't really care as I liked her name very much. But over the years she demonstrated a clear lack of commitment and while I know it had nothing to do with the last name, part of me wonders if we jinxed ourselves by not doing things the traditional way (taking my name). I had a step daughter who had her bio father's name, so all three of us had different last names and it visibly confused school office staff, airlines, insurance agents, HR people, etc etc..

In my second marriage I made it clear that she would take my name. I believe she hyphenated it on her new Soc Sec card and most legal forms, but her license only has my name and that's what she commonly uses; Mrs Wedge. She had her name already known in professional circles so either uses her maiden name or the hyphenated one at work.

Basically she has three legal names (maiden, hyphenated and married) with each one on a different legal ID. Damned confusing women.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Just IMHO, I wouldn't, didn't. Fortunately for us it never even came up. I may get slack for staying this out loud but that's ok. To each their own.


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## Bananapeel

As long as she signs the pre-nup then I wouldn't care. But if it is really that important to you, just don't marry her. She can make her choice on her own regarding the name and you can make yours regarding whether she is the right person for you. I'd guess she'd feel really stupid explaining to her friends that she cancelled the wedding over not taking your last name, and she would probably change her mind about it.


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## uhtred

Wife kept her name. She had a professional career with publications.


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## arbitrator

*Prior to my marriage to my RSXW, she intoned that she might want to hyphenate her last name to "Skank-Arbitrator," notably for professional reasons! I told her that I really didn't care either way, because we certainly weren't going to be birthing any kids!

But after visiting with her lawyer, she decided to just go ahead and take mine!

And now that it's over, I'm gladder than hell that she's remarried with some other poor louts last name in tow!!*


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## Hopeful Cynic

Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.

Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


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## dubsey

If she wanted to keep her name, I couldn't care less. Just no hyphenation. I hate that. My wife chose to take my name - it wasn't even a doubt. She didn't get along with her biological father and wanted the name gone. When we divorced, my one condition was that she give it up. She went to her mom's maiden name, she hated her maiden name so much.


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## Real talk

I find it a but individual minded for a woman to want to keep her last name. Essentially she's going to be the only person in the family without the same last name. How does that signify unity? 

I could understand if her profession was tied to her name but that's not the case in my situation. I don't see any reason to do it other than defiance for the tradition. And if shes not down for this tradition, then why would I take care of her in the traditional sense?


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## CharlieParker

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.


I knew a guy in Germany who flipped a coin with his wife to pick who would keep their name. He lost. He was known as Mr Mayer-HerLastName.


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## Bananapeel

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.
> 
> Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


My personal opinion is it's nice for kids to have the same last name as both parents, but it isn't necessary. I know a couple that merged their two names to make a new joint last name so neither side felt like they were giving up their identity for the other.


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## Bananapeel

Real talk said:


> I find it a but individual minded for a woman to want to keep her last name. Essentially she's going to be the only person in the family without the same last name. How does that signify unity?
> 
> I could understand if her profession was tied to her name but that's not the case in my situation. I don't see any reason to do it other than defiance for the tradition. And if shes not down for this tradition, then why would I take care of her in the traditional sense?


Whose the major earner in your relationship? If it is you (I assume it is since you are talking about taking care of her) and she wants the non-traditional name route I'd make darn sure you get a pre-nup written that keeps individual assets/property separate even if earned during the marriage, and says no alimony in the event of divorce. Basically, let her commit fully to her independence.


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## personofinterest

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.
> 
> Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


See, I don't get this. I married not so awfully long ago. I changed my last name. But I did not morph into another being. I am still the exact same person I was when my email had a slightly shorter last name than it does now. I mean, when I became a wife, I did not cease to be a daughter. When I became a mother, I did not cease to be a friend. It's just an identifying label.

If a woman wants to keep her name, I have no problem with that. But I do not understand this idea that whenever the topic comes up, someone has to screech, "THE PATRIARCHY!!!"

It's a name. I'm still me. Though I wouldn't have minded my jeans size changing.


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## EleGirl

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


How old are you and your fiancée? Yes this is an important question.


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## jlg07

Me, I told my wife flat out that she needed to take my last name (I'm too traditional that way and didn't want issues with kids having my name and her having a different name). The whole hyphen thing is ridiculous to me.


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## EleGirl

Bananapeel said:


> Whose the major earner in your relationship? If it is you (I assume it is since you are talking about taking care of her) and she wants the non-traditional name route I'd make darn sure you get a pre-nup written that keeps individual assets/property separate even if earned during the marriage, and says no alimony in the event of divorce. Basically, let her commit fully to her independence.


Wow this is harsh. There are good reasons that a woman might want to use both names that have nothing to do with her trying to rip him off.

For example, if she is a woman who already has a career, completely changing her last name can cause a lot of confusion and even harm to her career. 

If Mary Smith marries John Conseco and change her name to Mary Conseco, everything she has done in her career as Mary Smith is lost. She has to spend years explain to people that Mary Conseco is really Mary Smith. If on the other hand she uses the name Mary Smith Conseco, there is no explaining to do. 

The other thing that happens is that she will have problems with any bank account, bills, credit cards, etc. with a name change. She can actually lose these accounts and the become converted to her husband. 

I had this happen to me with a lot of things.. like credit cards, auto insurance, etc.

When I changed the names on a lot of accounts to my married name, they insisted on having his name and info. Then suddenly they were no longer my accounts, they were his. Some companies would not even talk to me without him there.

A woman changing her last name to her husband's name comes from a time when legally all of her assets transferred to her husband when she married. She also lost the citizenship in whatever country she was from and assumed his citizenship. Basically she lost her previous self. 

There are many societies where women do not take their husband's last name, and many where a woman uses both names.

In my family, the woman have used both names since at least as far back as I have a history, back to the 1400's. Why? Because their maiden names meant something. 

I ended up using both my maiden and married name. When I married I already had a career, publications, etc. I had investments, bank accounts, etc. I was able to take back most of the accounts that I lost when they put my husband as primary on my accounts. I cancelled the accounts that would not put me back on them as primary.


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## EleGirl

jlg07 said:


> Me, I told my wife flat out that she needed to take my last name (I'm too traditional that way and didn't want issues with kids having my name and her having a different name). The whole hyphen thing is ridiculous to me.


It's ridiculous to you because as the man you don't have to deal with issues that a woman has to with having to change her name on all sorts of things. When a woman uses both last names, she does have the same name as her children. She just also uses her maiden name, which is part of her real name.


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## EleGirl

personofinterest said:


> See, I don't get this. I married not so awfully long ago. I changed my last name. But I did not morph into another being. I am still the exact same person I was when my email had a slightly shorter last name than it does now. I mean, when I became a wife, I did not cease to be a daughter. When I became a mother, I did not cease to be a friend. It's just an identifying label.
> 
> If a woman wants to keep her name, I have no problem with that. But I do not understand this idea that whenever the topic comes up, someone has to screech, "THE PATRIARCHY!!!"
> 
> It's a name. I'm still me. Though I wouldn't have minded my jeans size changing.


It's not about "THE PATRIARCHY!!!" Geez

For many women it's about the fact that they have a life and a career already established under their maiden name. They don't want to lose the reputation that they built in their career and there are the issues of name changes on bank accounts, credit cards, investments, etc, etc that can be a real pain in the ass.

Further, Only a few societies/cultures have a tradition of women discarding their maiden name and using only their husband's name.


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## Bananapeel

Real talk said:


> I could understand if her profession was tied to her name but that's not the case in my situation. I don't see any reason to do it other than defiance for the tradition. And if shes not down for this tradition, then why would I take care of her in the traditional sense?





EleGirl said:


> Wow this is harsh. There are good reasons that a woman might want to use both names that have nothing to do with her trying to rip him off.
> 
> For example, if she is a woman who already has a career, completely changing her last name can cause a lot of confusion and even harm to her career.


True it's harsh, but she's not keeping her name for professional reasons. She's doing it to defy a tradition that he believes in. While I personally think this is a silly thing to argue about, he should just not marry her if it's that big of a deal to him. Again, if he does and she's doing this to buck tradition then she should be more than happy to sign a prenup to maintain her individuality/financial independence.


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## Windwalker

Deejo said:


> At age 26 I had a very different view of marriage than I do at age 53. I'd guess you will too.
> 
> The only important factor of that subject is what you both agree on, or don't.


Holy cow, there's been a Deejo sighting! :grin2:

Great to see you post when you can.


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## Deejo

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.
> 
> Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


Dated a woman whose ex-husband had taken her last name ... it was easier and he preferred it. Since that time I've heard of several other cases where man took the woman's last name.

Nobody 'has' to. And anybody can take whatever name they want.

Your moral and cultural experience may differ. Live somewhere progressive? Who gets what last name is probably not uncommon. Live somewhere conservative? The standard is the female assumes the last name of the male.


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## Windwalker

I personally wouldn't care if she took my last name. It really doesn't mean that much to me, hell if the subject came up, I would suggest she not take mine and keep hers. I however wouldn't put up with the hyphenated last name garbage. That's just ignorant to me, and I wouldn't allow it.


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## EleGirl

Bananapeel said:


> True it's harsh, but she's not keeping her name for professional reasons. *She's doing it to defy a tradition that he believes in.* While I personally think this is a silly thing to argue about, he should just not marry her if it's that big of a deal to him. Again, if he does and she's doing this to buck tradition then she should be more than happy to sign a prenup to maintain her individuality/financial independence.


Are you saying that only his beliefs about this matter? What about her beliefs? Does she have a say about things in this upcoming marriage? Or does only he have a say?

I'm not sure why the name one uses is tied to the financial aspects of marriage. Basically what you are suggesting is that he up the anty and 'punish' her for having a different opinion than he. After all, shame on her for having her own opinion and wanting to chose the name that she uses. Shame on her....

I do agree that they should not be getting married. They clearly do not see eye to eye on something that is going to cause a lot of trouble. And if he is of the mind to always insist that it's his way or the highway then why would she want to marry him? It's her name. She should be able to choose how to handle it.


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## personofinterest

I definitely agree about the professional angle. Depending on the career and longevity of it, it could be whole worlds of confusing and troublesome to suddenly have a different name. I also understand second (or other) marriages when someone has children. I have a friend who did not change her name in her second marriage because she wanted to keep the same last name as her kids (they were young). 

As for finances, if I am married and have kids with my husband, it wouldn't matter if I went to the courthouse and changed my name to Tootsie Flunderbuff. We'd still have joint assets.


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## RandomDude

Deejo said:


> At age 26 I had a very different view of marriage than I do at age 53. I'd guess you will too.
> 
> The only important factor of that subject is what you both agree on, or don't.


OMG where the hell have you been?! :surprise:


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## samyeagar

My vote is for Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.


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## Ynot

My ex originally wanted to keep her previous name. She had been married before and wanted to have the same last name as her son. I objected and she took my name. We had a daughter who had my last name. After she divorced me she kept my last name because of her career. I didn't object to that at the time. Now I wish I had and objected to her keeping my last name. Oh well, live and learn.
Since I have no intention of marrying or having any more kids I am not concerned about it any longer.
I do know a young man who took his wife's name when they were married. She was the only child of an only child and felt it important to carry on the family name. He had two brothers. One brother had a son, but the other died. His parents were extremely upset.


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## Suspicious1

Didnt mind one bit wife keeping hers, even though she tells others on the phone or when we meet she's Ms. Suspicious. Her last name is way cooler than mine and not as common 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Real talk

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that only his beliefs about this matter? What about her beliefs? Does she have a say about things in this upcoming marriage? Or does only he have a say?


The question is the reasoning and motivation behind the "beliefs". If for whatever reason you identify or need with your last name that's one thing. But if you're belief is nothing but "if men can why can't I" then you're simply causing conflict for the sake of defiance.

It's no different than a man telling a woman he expects her to propose to him even though she appreciates the tradition. Not because that's what he desires, but because if a woman can be proposed to then why can't a man. I find identity in a last name to be as masculine as a man expecting to be proposed to as feminine personally. 

Many women want to keep their name under the pretense of progress but want to provided and protected for under the guise of tradition. Changing your name isn't holding anyone back, and if my daughter told me she wanted to keep my name I'd advise against it.


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## Tiggy!

Real talk said:


> The question is the reasoning and motivation behind the "beliefs". If for whatever reason you identify or need with your last name that's one thing. But if you're belief is nothing but "if men can why can't I" then you're simply causing conflict for the sake of defiance.
> 
> It's no different than a man telling a woman he expects her to propose to him even though she appreciates the tradition. Not because that's what he desires, but because if a woman can be proposed to then why can't a man. I find identity in a last name to be as masculine as a man expecting to be proposed to as feminine personally.
> 
> Many women want to keep their name under the pretense of progress but want to provided and protected for under the guise of tradition. Changing your name isn't holding anyone back, and if my daughter told me she wanted to keep my name I'd advise against it.


Does your fiancé have the same views as you?


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## Andy1001

personofinterest said:


> I can understand someone well known in their profession keeping their name for professional services. I don't get the hyphen thing.
> 
> Suzy Jones marries Jack Thompson
> 
> The kid is Lila Jones-Thompson. She married Tom Middleton-Gilbert.
> 
> Their kid is Chloe Jones-Thompson-Middleton-Gilbert
> 
> I wouldn't want to be her school teacher


I’ve seen this taken to a ridiculous degree in the UK.A woman called P Neville married a guy called J Unsworth and as a result of an agreement they had about her taking her husbands surname their son took the first name Neville.A few years later her only brother died and rather than have her family name die out she decided to hyphenate their surname.
Her son became Neville Unsworth Neville!
I haven’t changed the surnames in this post.


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## Bananapeel

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that only his beliefs about this matter? What about her beliefs? Does she have a say about things in this upcoming marriage? Or does only he have a say?
> 
> I'm not sure why the name one uses is tied to the financial aspects of marriage. Basically what you are suggesting is that he up the anty and 'punish' her for having a different opinion than he. After all, shame on her for having her own opinion and wanting to chose the name that she uses. Shame on her....
> 
> I do agree that they should not be getting married. They clearly do not see eye to eye on something that is going to cause a lot of trouble. And if he is of the mind to always insist that it's his way or the highway then why would she want to marry him? It's her name. She should be able to choose how to handle it.


Both of their beliefs matter. She's expressed hers and he's express his. They just aren't compatible views. They can decide as a couple if/how to compromise and if they can't reach a solution then they can go their separate ways. There is nothing wrong with him being willing to pull the plug on the . 

A pre-nup is not to punish her. It is another way for her to maintain her own independence, just like she is doing with the family name. They should be part of every marriage with a discrepancy in earning potential, especially one that has fighting over a name change be a major issue. 

I don't know if he is of that mindset or not (I personally believe there is nothing inherently wrong with it if it is a relationship style assuming both partners agree to it). The reason she would marry him is just like anyone else that is considering marriage. You simply weigh the pros and cons and decide if you are in or out.


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## anchorwatch

A looong time ago, DW took my name as expected at the time. She couldn't wait to disassociate herself from her Waste of Life - POS bio-dad's name. Who abandoned her at the age of two. 

As I've grown older, I have less of an opinion about what she goes by, as long as she's still the woman I married. 

It's her name, isn't it? Is it a hill you want to die on? 

Best


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## Young at Heart

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


Your question is a huge red flag.

If you are really ready to marry a woman, then her name, should be the least of your concerns. 

46+ years ago when I married it was unusual for a woman not to take her husband's name. Actually, it could lead to problems at banks, applying for credit, etc. 

Now if a woman has any kind of career or publications in her maiden name, she will often want to keep it or hyphenate her name. Similarly, if she has any pride in her family or ethnic heritage, she may want to keep her last name.

I think that you should sit down and do some serious introspection as to what is going on between the two of you and especially in your mind. Do you want her to be submissive to you and do what you want or do you love her for who she is? Is this some kind of power game between the two of you? Do you really care more about what other people think of her (or you) that what she thinks of you and you of her?

I would suggest pre-marriage counseling just to the two of you are sure you should get married.

Good luck, I think you will need it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.
> 
> Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


No one said she'd have to change her whole identity. That's a bit of hyperbole on the topic isn't it?


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## jlg07

EleGirl said:


> It's ridiculous to you because as the man you don't have to deal with issues that a woman has to with having to change her name on all sorts of things. When a woman uses both last names, she does have the same name as her children. She just also uses her maiden name, which is part of her real name.


I DO realize what she had to go through -- I helped her fill out the forms. Issues? Tough. Social security, drivers license, bank and IIRC like two other forms (work related to insurance) to fill out -- REALLY not a huge issue. LOTS of things in life are tough and way worse than filling out a few forms. I'm traditional for this in particular, and she was 100% fine with it (and agreed BTW), so I didn't force her to do anything. Would it have prevented me from marrying her? Probably not, but it would have been a lot of discussion on the topic for sure.


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## kag123

I have a hyphenated last name. 

Most people in my life don't know that. The only time my hyphenated name comes up is on official government documents like taxes, passport, etc. 

In business and conversation I am Mrs. hislastname. I introduce myself and sign my name as Mrs. hislastname.

Our children have his last name. 

The only reason I kept my name hyphenated was for sentimental reasons. I am an only child, and the only descendant of my maiden name. (On my dad's side, he was the only one who had a child, none of my aunt's and uncles did.) 

I realized that I was the last bearer of my maiden name... once I pass, the name will go with me, since I am female and no one takes my name in marriage. I just wanted to continue the legacy a little longer rather than squash it as soon as I got married. Around the time we got married I had also just finished reading through some genealogy reports of our family history so many generations back. My maiden name has survived for over 200 years at this point... to the time when my descendants immigrated here and changed the spelling to its current form in an attempt to Americanize it and avoid persecution. I thought that was amazing. 

It meant something to me so I wanted to let it live a little longer. That was it, really. Luckily my husband didn't and doesn't care. 




Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Windwalker

anchorwatch said:


> A looong time ago, DW took my name as expected at the time. She couldn't wait to disassociate herself from her Waste of Life - POS bio-dad's name. Who abandoned her at the age of two.
> 
> As I've grown older, I have less of an opinion about what she goes by, as long as she's still the woman I married.
> 
> It's her name, isn't it? Is it a hill you want to die on?
> 
> Best


This mirrors my thoughts to a T.
Even the reasons behind it mirrors my wife's.

In the end, I don't care as long as she is my wife.


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## Real talk

Tiggy! said:


> Does your fiancé have the same views as you?


My fiancée wants me to be a protector and provider in the traditional sense, which is why I told her not taking my name isn't going to fly.


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## Mr. Nail

I'm shocked and appalled. Immoderate ranting by a moderator. Vilification, black and white thinking. No respect for the poor genealogists of the future who will have to figure out this mess of surnames. 

I had lived 20+ years with my last name when I married. I had suffered the cruel jibes of every grade-schooler over my excessively long traditional name. I mean what is so funny about the name Tailchaser? When I met my intended it was with delight that I learned her last name was so much shorter. Two letters! I would be able to sign my name in the time it takes most people to initial. But it wasn't to be. She also wanted to abandon her birth name. There was no allowance for me taking her surname. I guess it's a good thing hyphenation wasn't popular then, She could have ended up Ima Tailchaser-Tu. Now we have three Daughters and one son. The Daughters have all sworn off marriage and child bearing, probably over embarrassment over the last name. As if they couldn't just change it. The son is our only chance to continue the Tailchaser line. Of course his gal has a much shorter last name as well so there is hope.

Disclaimer: The names have been changed to protect the guilty.


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## Wolf1974

Wouldn’t work for me. Maybe I’m just traditional but it’s the only way I would marry


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## Betrayedone

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.
> 
> Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


She doesn't have to......She also doesn't have to marry me......


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## Betrayedone

EleGirl said:


> It's ridiculous to you because as the man you don't have to deal with issues that a woman has to with having to change her name on all sorts of things. When a woman uses both last names, she does have the same name as her children. She just also uses her maiden name, which is part of her real name.


tough beans


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## UpsideDownWorld11

My ex wife pulled that same stuff. I personally believe it's a red flag. And I hate that hyphenated bs, like you have one foot in/out.


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## ConanHub

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


She had to change her name and sign over all autonomy over to me and I make all choices for my chattel because she is my property.

Seriously though, I guess her reason behind it would be my only concern.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Her reason can't be good. I think it brings into question her loyalty. And if she isn't loyal, she can't be trusted. Dont give her this...she will take a mile. Besides women love being told no.


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## ConanHub

arbitrator said:


> *Prior to my marriage to my RSXW, she intoned that she might want to hyphenate her last name to "Skank-Arbitrator," notably for professional reasons! I told her that I really didn't care either way, because we certainly weren't going to be birthing any kids!
> 
> But after visiting with her lawyer, she decided to just go ahead and take mine!
> 
> And now that it's over, I'm gladder than hell that she's remarried with some other poor louts last name in tow!!*


Sincerely wish she had to accept a legal name change that included RSXW in there somewhere! The world needs the warning label!>


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## Cromer

It does come across as one foot in, one foot out. And no, legally she does not have the same last name as her children if they have only the husband's last name. Also, the husband's last name is tacked on, as an after-thought, and many times she'll end up being called, referred to, or having to use on forms because of space limitations the first part of her hyphenated last name. She should woman up and either keep her maiden name or take his name, the hyphen is a cop-out. Just my humble opinion, no need to go spreading it around.

ETA. I think of it from a military perspective, where one is routinely called by one's last name. Think about it, if you are almost always referred to by your last name, and it's hyphenated, no one is doing that. They use the first part of the last name, almost always.


----------



## Prodigal

Real talk said:


> My fiancée wants me to be a protector and provider in the traditional sense, which is why I told her not taking my name isn't going to fly.


Could you please expound on this a bit? Does your fiancée want to be a SAHM mom when children come along? Does she expect you to be the primary financial source? Does she think she shouldn't contribute equally to marital finances?

I mean, I'm looking at this from my point of view. I took my husband's last name. No problem. But we both worked. We both contributed equally to the marriage when it came to finances and house work. I couldn't have children, so there was no issue with what last name to give the kids.

What's the bottom line with why you want her to take your last name?


----------



## Personal

My ex (1st) wife changed her surname to mine, yet it was just under 2½ years between our I do's and the Decree Absolute.

While my current (2nd) wife kept her surname and in a few weeks time we will have been happily married for 19 years.

If one thinks that a spouse wanting to keep their name predicts a bad marriage, while a spouse wanting to give up their name predicts a good marriage, my experience ought to dispel that nonsense.

Incidentally our children have my surname.

That said this changing of surnames isn't a given in all countries, for example my wife's mother kept her surname as was and is the law in Italy where she got married.

As to hyphenated names in military service. I had soldiers that had hyphenated names and in formal settings I always used their whole double barrelled surname. While in less formal settings when referring to their surname, it was common to call them by the initials of their surnames (without using the phonetic alphabet). Otherwise as with everyone else their nickname or first name was often used, while on the radio the SOP format for their name and regimental number combination was used.


----------



## aine

naiveonedave said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Also, it is a potential sign of a couple of disturbing things to me: lack of commitment and extreme feminism. Neither of which are good for marriage.


You are kidding right, it is 2018, the 21st century, women are no longer the property of their husbands as in the old days under the law.
Many wives work as hard, earn as much, even more, so you are telling she must take the man's name? Why? because he has a penis and she doesn't? 
This is a tradition, nothing more or less. I have a double barrelled name because I am in a mixed race marriage and because my maiden name has a long heritage and I like it. We decided the kids would have his name. 

Where I currently live, (made up of a variety of Asian cultures) women keep their name and there is no change when they get married. The kids simply carry the father's name and in some cultures, the woman carries the father's (not husband) first name as her surname and she does not change this upon marriage. Another culture, they simply don't have a surname as we know it. 
So please your gross generalisations about lack of committment and feminism are utter nonsense. The marriages in this country are probably some of the most committed I have ever seen.


----------



## kekkek

Hmmm, my ex took my last name and kept it even after the divorce, because she had started using it professionally. Then kept my name even as she was marrying other guys. I like the societies where people's names do not change during their life, and the child takes the father's name. Seems like the cleanest, least controversial solution to me.


----------



## naiveonedave

aine said:


> You are kidding right, it is 2018, the 21st century, women are no longer the property of their husbands as in the old days under the law.
> Many wives work as hard, earn as much, even more, so you are telling she must take the man's name? Why? because he has a penis and she doesn't?
> This is a tradition, nothing more or less. I have a double barrelled name because I am in a mixed race marriage and because my maiden name has a long heritage and I like it. We decided the kids would have his name.
> 
> Where I currently live, (made up of a variety of Asian cultures) women keep their name and there is no change when they get married. The kids simply carry the father's name and in some cultures, the woman carries the father's (not husband) first name as her surname and she does not change this upon marriage. Another culture, they simply don't have a surname as we know it.
> So please your gross generalisations about lack of committment and feminism are utter nonsense. The marriages in this country are probably some of the most committed I have ever seen.


This has nothing to do with property or women not working hard and absolutely nothing to do with race. In my neck of the woods, you see two choices, typically. Wife takes H's last name or hyphenated. A few retain their names due to business/professional reasons (though most, in my experience eventually do take the husbands name). this has a lot to do with local tradition. in my neck of the woods, not taking the last name is unusual, in of itself is a red flag. deal breaker, no. In your neck of the woods, if it is the norm to hyphenate or not change, that is fine.

Please stop with your bs about not following local customs. Here IT WOULD BE SEEN exactly as I mentioned it. I don't know what your local customs are.


----------



## Fozzy

My wife hyphenated. She's not a screeching feminist. We've been together for 23 years, so it doesn't appear to be a commitment issue.

I have one brother who has no children. I have three daughters. They will be the last to carry my family name assuming they get married and change it. I'm not putting any pressure on them one way or the other, however it's their name to do with what they will, and I'll support them if anyone ever tries to pressure them into it.


----------



## personofinterest

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Her reason can't be good. I think it brings into question her loyalty. And if she isn't loyal, she can't be trusted. Dont give her this...she will take a mile. Besides women love being told no.


Unless one is the Long Island Medium, I am not sure this is accurate 

I'd probably talk to her about the way before assuming it was man-hating or nefarious.


----------



## CharlieParker

Fozzy said:


> I'll support them if anyone ever tries to pressure them into it.


I'd forgotten about it, but holy crap did my dad pressure us both for her to change her name. Took him like a decade to get over it.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Bananapeel said:


> As long as she signs the pre-nup then I wouldn't care. But if it is really that important to you, just don't marry her. She can make her choice on her own regarding the name and you can make yours regarding whether she is the right person for you. I'd guess she'd feel really stupid explaining to her friends that she cancelled the wedding over not taking your last name, and she would probably change her mind about it.


Or he would feel really stupid for refusing to marry someone over such a petty reason. Depends on your point of view.


----------



## WonkyNinja

naiveonedave said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Also, it is a potential sign of a couple of disturbing things to me: lack of commitment and extreme feminism. Neither of which are good for marriage.


Since when is extreme feminism a problem for a marriage? It should be based on two equal partners. 

I'm married to an extreme feminist who kept her last name and I wouldn't have it any other way.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


My wife didn't and it doesn't change anything.

There are real issues to face in life and this isn't one of them.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Bananapeel said:


> Both of their beliefs matter. She's expressed hers and he's express his. They just aren't compatible views. They can decide as a couple if/how to compromise and if they can't reach a solution then they can go their separate ways. There is nothing wrong with him being willing to pull the plug on the .
> 
> *A pre-nup is not to punish her.* It is another way for her to maintain her own independence, just like she is doing with the family name. They should be part of every marriage with a discrepancy in earning potential, especially one that has fighting over a name change be a major issue.
> 
> I don't know if he is of that mindset or not (I personally believe there is nothing inherently wrong with it if it is a relationship style assuming both partners agree to it). The reason she would marry him is just like anyone else that is considering marriage. You simply weigh the pros and cons and decide if you are in or out.


It was in the way you suggested. You suggested that the pre-nup should include assets he gained during the marriage. A marriage is a couple. Yours and Mine finishes with the wedding certificate.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Real talk said:


> The question is the reasoning and motivation behind the "beliefs". If for whatever reason you identify or need with your last name that's one thing. But if you're belief is nothing but "*if men can why can't I*" then you're simply causing conflict for the sake of defiance.
> 
> It's no different than a man telling a woman he expects her to propose to him even though she appreciates the tradition. Not because that's what he desires, but because if a woman can be proposed to then why can't a man. I find identity in a last name to be as masculine as a man expecting to be proposed to as feminine personally.
> 
> Many women want to keep their name under the pretense of progress but want to provided and protected for under the guise of tradition. Changing your name isn't holding anyone back, and if my daughter told me she wanted to keep my name I'd advise against it.


That sounds like a damn good reason to me.


----------



## Bananapeel

WonkyNinja said:


> Or he would feel really stupid for refusing to marry someone over such a petty reason. Depends on your point of view.


Sure, it could be interpreted either way. But, based on his responses of how she expects him to take care of her I'm assuming (and possibly incorrectly) that she stands to benefit more financially from the marriage than he does so he can negotiate with from the stronger position if he truly considers this subject a deal breaker. I agree completely with you that this is a petty thing to argue about, but that doesn't mean it's petty to the OP. 



WonkyNinja said:


> It was in the way you suggested. You suggested that the pre-nup should include assets he gained during the marriage. A marriage is a couple. Yours and Mine finishes with the wedding certificate.


Wrong! That's only true in a marriage with couples that share that particular point of view. Each couple has the right to decide how they want their relationship to be. It can be shared or totally separate or anything in between that they agree to. There's no universal "correct" way that applies to everyone. 

A prenup is a wise choice in any marriage where there is unequal financial contribution between the parties.


----------



## Not

This is the most bizarre topic. Taking the mans name will prove her loyalty and commitment? Will taking the mans name guarantee his? Hell to the no it won’t. This is all about control.


----------



## musicftw07

If my GF and I get married someday, I literally could not care any less than I do now if she takes my last name or not. Means nothing to me.

Only speaking for me here, not anybody else. YMMV.


----------



## Not

OP is obviously hurt that she wants to hyphenate. It’s being taken as a rejection. That is what needs looked at but instead OP comes here to bash her and turn her into the villain as punishment/retaliation for making him hurt and that helps him feel better temporarily. Same old story plays out each and every day all over the planet when someone gets hurt.


----------



## DustyDog

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


Your name doens't make you.

You make your name.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Interestingly my very conservative religion does not recognize any marital name change. My wife legally changed her name at marriage, and they will call her any name she prefers but in the records she is still listed by the name she was given at birth.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

kekkek said:


> Hmmm, my ex took my last name and kept it even after the divorce, because she had started using it professionally. Then kept my name even as she was marrying other guys. I like the societies where people's names do not change during their life, and the child takes the father's name. Seems like the cleanest, least controversial solution to me.


Almost. But why do the kids have to have the father's name? Why not the mother's?

I have friends where one kid has the father's surname and the other one has the mother's surname. It's only confusing to close-minded people.


----------



## Livvie

I know a couple, that BOTH changed their last name to the hyphenated name. So they are both for example-- Smith-Jones. I think that's pretty cool.


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## NobodySpecial

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Why should women have to change their whole identity when they get married? Men don't.
> 
> Would you take her name, if you want them to match so badly?


My husband and I know a couple that had two short last names. They put them together to make a new one.


----------



## DustyDog

Mr. Nail said:


> Interestingly my very conservative religion does not recognize any marital name change. My wife legally changed her name at marriage, and they will call her any name she prefers but in the records she is still listed by the name she was given at birth.


My brother says the same...turns out they didn't get married in the church...they used their pastor, but found a less expensive church to rent. Therefore, their church officially does not recognize them as married!


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Hopeful Cynic said:


> kekkek said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hmmm, my ex took my last name and kept it even after the divorce, because she had started using it professionally. Then kept my name even as she was marrying other guys. I like the societies where people's names do not change during their life, and the child takes the father's name. Seems like the cleanest, least controversial solution to me.
> 
> 
> 
> Almost. But why do the kids have to have the father's name? Why not the mother's?
Click to expand...

Patrilineal inheritance of family names is another social institution that emerged to convince the fathers of their paternity, by saying (if social institutions have a vocal cord) “The baby’s really yours, because it has your last name!” Russians take it one step further, by giving their children – both their sons and daughters – middle and last names after the father.

Fathers are therefore expected to invest more heavily in children who bear their last names than children who bear the mother’s last names, because they are more likely to be convinced of their paternity. As a result, ceteris paribus,children who inherit their last names from their fathers are expected to be more likely to survive and thrive than children who inherit their last names from their mothers.


----------



## Texican

It was never a question for us. 

But we married near to 37 years ago. My wife would practice writing Mrs. gamboolman for months before we married. She was barely 17 when I met her and was 20 when we wed.

It was how we were raised and anything else was not normal.

She and I have no problem with ladies keeping their maiden name, but just was not us.

We also had / have one bank account. We were fairly poor for many years and could never understand separate accounts. Again that is just us.


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## CharlieParker

My SIL kept her name and her kids have their father's name. One of the kids middle name is her last name. When he's in trouble and she calls him by his full name it sounds he has hyphen.


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## panelbeater

It is just a tradition, like rings, a ceremony, the white dress, gifts and the terrible expense of it all. If tradition is important, honor it. If it is not, then why not scrap it all?


----------



## panelbeater

Taking the mans last name is a tradition, like rings, the ceremony, the dress, the gifts and the terrrible expense of it all. If tradition is important, change the name. If tradition is not important, why not scrap it all and just be legally married on paper? Pick and choose if you like, but if you are traditional then you follow the traditions. If you are not traditional, but want a big ring, a huge ceremony and to be princess for a day, just accept that you want those things becasue you want them, not because of tradition.


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## SpinyNorman

First wife kept her maiden name, present wife took mine. I don't really care either way.


----------



## SpinyNorman

panelbeater said:


> Taking the mans last name is a tradition, like rings, the ceremony, the dress, the gifts and the terrrible expense of it all. If tradition is important, change the name. If tradition is not important, why not scrap it all and just be legally married on paper? Pick and choose if you like, but if you are traditional then you follow the traditions. If you are not traditional, but want a big ring, a huge ceremony and to be princess for a day, just accept that you want those things becasue you want them, not because of tradition.


I was taught in college that at some point long ago in England(can't remember when, college was long ago) couples had to have the same last name, but it could be his, hers, or "something completely different." It was a class on marriage, and many things people think have been true across all cultures and throughout eternity really aren't.


----------



## SpinyNorman

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> My ex wife pulled that same stuff. I personally believe it's a red flag. And I hate that hyphenated bs, like you have one foot in/out.


I didn't take my wife's name, do I have both feet out?


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

SpinyNorman said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> 
> My ex wife pulled that same stuff. I personally believe it's a red flag. And I hate that hyphenated bs, like you have one foot in/out.
> 
> 
> 
> I didn't take my wife's name, do I have both feet out?
Click to expand...

If you took your wife's name, I'd laugh. Then laugh some more.


----------



## SpinyNorman

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> If you took your wife's name, I'd laugh. Then laugh some more.


But would you laugh if her last name wasn't Dogballs?


----------



## arbitrator

SpinyNorman said:


> But would you laugh if her last name wasn't Dogballs?


*My RSXW should have just taken the last name, "Skank!"

After all, it would have undoubtedly given her some free advertising! *


----------



## CuddleBug

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?




- I think the reason modern women do this is because they are modern women. They are independent and want it all.


- My mother took my Dad's last name.


- I told Mrs.Cuddlebug, out of tradition, we are using my last name because she too wanted a hyphenated mine and hers last names, which is ridiculous in my books.


- In the end, she took my last name, credit cards, drivers license, marriage certificate, etc.


- To me, if a woman wants her last name while getting married, that tells me she isn't truly ready to get married.


----------



## NobodySpecial

CuddleBug said:


> - I think the reason modern women do this is because they are modern women. They are independent and want it all.


There are many reasons to want to keep one's own name or to hyphenate. Some of them include professional identity in the career that they have built. Another includes a small token of a marriage that rejects the historical patriarchal model of ownership. That this marriage is a blending of equals.



> - My mother took my Dad's last name.
> 
> 
> - I told Mrs.Cuddlebug, out of tradition, we are using my last name because she too wanted a hyphenated mine and hers last names, which is ridiculous in my books.
> 
> 
> - In the end, she took my last name, credit cards, drivers license, marriage certificate, etc.
> 
> 
> - To me, if a woman wants her last name while getting married, that tells me she isn't truly ready to get married.


To me, in this age, a man that says take Ugg last name or Ugg thump chest may not be ready to get married to a certain kind of woman.


----------



## Mr. Nail

While I'm not sure why Ugg would want to marry some one who isn't committed, This is starting to look a lot like a huge 2 way **** test.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Mr. Nail said:


> While I'm not sure why Ugg would want to marry some one who isn't committed, This is starting to lock a lot like a huge 2 way **** test.


So commitment comes in the form of a name? Why? Because that is how it has been done for a long time?


----------



## Mr. Nail

Commitment is shown in a lot of ways. I'm pretty sure the name thing is just another in a long list of commitment indicators. Like the purchase of diamonds, wearing a ring, getting, or not getting a tattoo, proposing on knee, church wedding, and so on through almost every wedding tradition around the world. So yes, precisely because that is how it has been done for a long time, just like everything else. Me personally I see through the BS, but any person who is about to commit matrimony should be looking into their partners commitment. If they accept the name is for practical purposes they will find another way to gauge commitment. If the desire to be trendy is more important, if politics is more important, if ego is more important, and of course the list goes on and on. Male or female, the desire for a committed partner is the #1 criteria for marriage. Marriage is not some prize given out to the most worthy candidate. Denying marriage is not a punishment for not meeting some standard.

Marriage is an agreement between two committed, compatible persons, to take a risk together, out of love. 

But of course My point was that fitness testing is not a good way to determine commitment. Frequently leads to misjudgment, or sudden breakups.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Mr. Nail said:


> Commitment is shown in a lot of ways. I'm pretty sure the name thing is just another in a long list of commitment indicators. Like the purchase of diamonds, wearing a ring, getting, or not getting a tattoo, proposing on knee, church wedding, and so on through almost every wedding tradition around the world. So yes, precisely because that is how it has been done for a long time, just like everything else. Me personally I see through the BS, but any person who is about to commit matrimony should be looking into their partners commitment. If they accept the name is for practical purposes they will find another way to gauge commitment. If the desire to be trendy is more important, if politics is more important, if ego is more important, and of course the list goes on and on. Male or female, the desire for a committed partner is the #1 criteria for marriage. Marriage is not some prize given out to the most worthy candidate. Denying marriage is not a punishment for not meeting some standard.
> 
> Marriage is an agreement between two committed, compatible persons, to take a risk together, out of love.
> 
> But of course My point was that fitness testing is not a good way to determine commitment. Frequently leads to misjudgment, or sudden breakups.


I think a great test of a man's commitment would be if he took his wife's name when they got married. How 'bout that?

Or what if they both changed their names to some third surname, maybe one they both like better than either of their own?

There are ways to express commitment to marriage that don't have anything to do with a woman having her surname changed from her father's to her husband's upon marriage, like it was some kind of transfer of ownership.

I respect women more if they keep their own name after marriage. It shows me that they believe in their own equality and are more likely to maintain self-sufficient employment instead of wanting to be stay-at-home mooches.


----------



## CuddleBug

NobodySpecial said:


> There are many reasons to want to keep one's own name or to hyphenate. Some of them include professional identity in the career that they have built. Another includes a small token of a marriage that rejects the historical patriarchal model of ownership. That this marriage is a blending of equals.
> 
> 
> 
> To me, in this age, a man that says take Ugg last name or Ugg thump chest may not be ready to get married to a certain kind of woman.




- Or many certain women today shouldn't be getting married at all because they won't take the man they love last name.....


- There are certain traditions you don't mess with and the last name is one of those traditions.


- Women today want it all and more. They don't even want their husband's to be last name anymore. Sad.


- Why are they getting married in the first place then? It's being so independent its stupid. Like they have something to prove when they don't.


- My great grand parents, grand parents, my parents, Mrs.CuddleBug's parent, all our relatives, etc., etc, etc. took their man's last name. Why change that?


- Because ladies today want it all and more.


- Men are the protectors of our ladies. We are bigger, stronger, and for all of time, the main provider while our ladies, if they wished it, had kids, stayed at home raising them and when the kids were older, high school, then they worked and got careers.


- To me, instinctively, if Mrs.CuddleBug doesn't want to take her man's / hubby's last name, then stay single and enjoy it.


- I'm all for equality, but some traditions should be left alone and its equality based on ability and not forced equality.


- If the women today want to physically protect us men, and we can stay home while they all work, we raise the kids, get a job later, fine, but that's not reality.


- I've gotten jobs just because I am married because it shows stability.


- Us men are the ones buying the engagement and wedding rings, Us men are the ones proposing. Us men are the ones spending big money for this and putting ourselves out on a limb for possible rejection.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Oh woe but for the good old days. Get off my lawn, you rascally kids!

ETA: Who is to say what traditions mean to whom?


----------



## CuddleBug

NobodySpecial said:


> Oh woe but for the good old days. Get off my lawn, you rascally kids!




- No problems there. I love kids and I'm the bad uncle doing fun things their parents don't want them to do......lol.


- Lots of random toys for my wife's sisters kids. I spoil them rotten.:grin2:


- Maybe teach their son to drive when he's a little older (early teens). Fun.:smile2:



- The main reason ladies take their men's last name I already stated. Just because its pushed, politically correct and very recent means nothing. Men are the protectors and get things done. If the ladies want to do all of that, then us men will take their last names.....no problems. But that's not reality.


- It has nothing to do with the ladies profession. That's another excuse. Women today are extremely independent and want it all and more. That's all it is. They're scared to lose that and commit.


- Mrs.CuddleBug took my last name because I am her man, her protector and I get things done. I am not a liberal, politically correct, wishy washy man.


----------



## CuddleBug

- I've gotten jobs just because I am married over the rest of the single guys.


- It shows I am a man, taking care of business, responsibility and stability.


- Mrs.CuddleBug also has gotten similar responses from coworkers and her bosses. They see this as stability versus just being single and they love the fact we're married since 1991......



- If I had a company, I hire based on first come, first serve. Male or female doesn't matter.


- If a woman applied for the position before a man did, has the experiences, natural ability and education, she's got the job. Simple.


- If she was married but kept her last name, to me, that's odd and somethings not right. I would be thinking what's wrong? Is she too independent? Ashamed to take her hubby's last name and indicate she's married?


- If a guy kept his wife's last name, to me, I would be thinking. WTF? Does his wife wear the pants and this guy is a boy and not a man? Definitely something is not right here. Do I want to hire someone like that?


- Both above examples would influence my hiring.



- Men and women are equals, but we both have our strengths and weaknesses and obvious physical and emotional differences. It's based on natural abilities and not forced political correct liberal nonsense.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

CuddleBug said:


> - If I had a company, I hire based on first come, first serve. Male or female doesn't matter.
> 
> - If a woman applied for the position before a man did, has the experiences, natural ability and education, she's got the job. Simple.
> 
> - If she was married but kept her last name, to me, that's odd and somethings not right. I would be thinking what's wrong? Is she too independent? Ashamed to take her hubby's last name and indicate she's married?
> 
> - If a guy kept his wife's last name, to me, I would be thinking. WTF? Does his wife wear the pants and this guy is a boy and not a man? Definitely something is not right here. Do I want to hire someone like that?
> 
> - Both above examples would influence my hiring.


That's some pretty sexist/discriminatory thinking, right there. Would you be asking job candidates their marital status, and whose name they have?

What's wrong with a woman being independent? What's wrong with a man collaborating with his wife in an equal partnership?

What if you hired them when they were single, got to know them and they were a good fit, but they later got married, and did or didn't take their new spouse's name?

What about gay marriage? Oh noes! How do you know which partner should take which partner's last name!?


----------



## NobodySpecial

CuddleBug said:


> - I've gotten jobs just because I am married over the rest of the single guys.
> 
> 
> - It shows I am a man, taking care of business, responsibility and stability.
> 
> 
> - Mrs.CuddleBug also has gotten similar responses from coworkers and her bosses. They see this as stability versus just being single and they love the fact we're married since 1991......
> 
> 
> 
> - If I had a company, I hire based on first come, first serve. Male or female doesn't matter.
> 
> 
> - If a woman applied for the position before a man did, has the experiences, natural ability and education, she's got the job. Simple.
> 
> 
> - If she was married but kept her last name, to me, that's odd and somethings not right. I would be thinking what's wrong? Is she too independent? Ashamed to take her hubby's last name and indicate she's married?
> 
> 
> - If a guy kept his wife's last name, to me, I would be thinking. WTF? Does his wife wear the pants and this guy is a boy and not a man? Definitely something is not right here. Do I want to hire someone like that?
> 
> 
> - Both above examples would influence my hiring.
> 
> 
> 
> - Men and women are equals, but we both have our strengths and weaknesses and obvious physical and emotional differences. It's based on natural abilities and not forced political correct liberal nonsense.


Where are you even from?


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## SarcasticRed

My husband said he didn't care but he didn't like the hyphen. He would rather I keep or change. I went back and forth and decided at the last minute to change. I think that he was happier with that choice than if I didn't change. I didn't find the paperwork to be that bad but nearly 2 years later some stuff does come up that I have to change/deal with.


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## NobodySpecial

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That's some pretty sexist/discriminatory thinking, right there. Would you be asking job candidates their marital status, and whose name they have?


Not in the US he wouldn't unless he were dumber than dumb.


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## SpinyNorman

CuddleBug said:


> - Or many certain women today shouldn't be getting married at all because they won't take the man they love last name.....
> 
> 
> - There are certain traditions you don't mess with and the last name is one of those traditions.


On the contrary I think you should think for yourself and dump the traditions that don't make sense. It's not like everyone in the stone age was smarter than everyone today and we are uppity if we don't take their word for stuff.



> - Women today want it all and more. They don't even want their husband's to be last name anymore. Sad.
> 
> 
> - Why are they getting married in the first place then? It's being so independent its stupid. Like they have something to prove when they don't.


Are men being independent when they don't change their names?

Have you considered the possibility that keeping a surname makes it easier for people to keep track of her if they didn't hear about her marriage? IOW, if she changes her name, people may not recognize the new name as her. On the other hand, a woman can change her name and have zero commitment and vice versa.



> - My great grand parents, grand parents, my parents, Mrs.CuddleBug's parent, all our relatives, etc., etc, etc. took their man's last name. Why change that?


 See the part about thinking for yourself.


> - If the women today want to physically protect us men, and we can stay home while they all work, we raise the kids, get a job later, fine, but that's not reality.


Actually, it is reality for some couples.


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## Mr. Nail

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I think a great test of a man's commitment would be if he took his wife's name when they got married. How 'bout that?


Well as long as she buys me a big enough Diamond. 

Nope, As I said I need a commitment, I need an agreement, I need that emotional connection called love, Then together we can pick the traditions that fit us. 
That works for me. But other people rely on traditions, and traditions are a good indicator. Throwing out traditions piecemeal is also an indicator. A smart man would investigate. There is nothing wrong with putting plans on hold until both parties are in Agreement.


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## SpinyNorman

Mr. Nail said:


> Well as long as she buys me a big enough Diamond.
> 
> Nope, As I said I need a commitment, I need an agreement, I need that emotional connection called love, Then together we can pick the traditions that fit us.
> That works for me. But other people rely on traditions, and traditions are a good indicator. Throwing out traditions piecemeal is also an indicator. A smart man would investigate. There is nothing wrong with putting plans on hold until both parties are in Agreement.


I'm not sure what traditions are indicators of, but they have always evolved, i.e. some becoming extinct and new ones emerging.


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## Tiggy!

CuddleBug said:


> - If I had a company, I hire based on first come, first serve. Male or female doesn't matter.
> 
> 
> - If a woman applied for the position before a man did, has the experiences, natural ability and education, she's got the job. Simple.
> 
> 
> - If she was married but kept her last name, to me, that's odd and somethings not right. I would be thinking what's wrong? Is she too independent? Ashamed to take her hubby's last name and indicate she's married?
> 
> 
> - If a guy kept his wife's last name, to me, I would be thinking. WTF? Does his wife wear the pants and this guy is a boy and not a man? Definitely something is not right here. Do I want to hire someone like that?
> 
> 
> - Both above examples would influence my hiring.
> 
> 
> 
> - Men and women are equals, but we both have our strengths and weaknesses and obvious physical and emotional differences. It's based on natural abilities and not forced political correct liberal nonsense.


This would make my question your ability to be professional, wouldn't want a job for someone who's personal bias prevented them from being logical.


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## personofinterest

> I respect women more if they keep their own name after marriage. It shows me that they believe in their own equality and are more likely to maintain self-sufficient employment instead of wanting to be stay-at-home mooches.


See, it's hard to take someone seriously when they have chosen such bias.


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## Cletus

I wish I had taken my wife's name. There's no situation where "Johnson" wouldn't be superior to the unpronounceable and unspellable French name my father saddled me with.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Not

I never gave any thought to it when I got married. It’s just what was done. My x’s last name has a serious cool factor to it and I really liked it though. If I had been the same person I am today back then I would have wanted to hyphenate. Not only because the two names together would have rocked but also to keep a connection to my own family, my father and siblings in particular.


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## Steve1000

Wife and I currently live in a place in which wives don't change their last names when getting married. As a pragmatist, this was never an issue for me and I think that it is such a minor detail to worry or argue about. Since we married four years ago, my wife has been dependable, open, loyal, and easy to get along with. That is more important than which name is listed on her legal forms.


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## hinterdir

Real talk said:


> My fiancée said she wanted to hyphenate her name. I told her I wasn't going to fly.
> 
> How do you feel about marrying a woman who won't take your name? Do you care, is it a big deal to you?


To be honest when we married that was almost two decades ago and this trend of women not taking their husbands names and having to decide about taking their name really wasn't an issue then. 

If, when we married in the early 2000's, she had told me she didn't want to take my name I probably would have had a problem with that and it could have resulted in the wedding being called off. 

You've got to remember, that wasn't even a thing back then (at least I'd not really heard of it in any sense other than Hollywood actors doing it) so it would have been a real insult. If I were getting married today, it is a more trendy thing to do and isn't quite as much of a shock or insult but I still don't think I'd like it. 

I may just revert to, ok we'll just be boyfriend/girlfriend all of our lives or until we breakup but we don't ever need to legally marry. Marriage would probably just be off the table and I'd never propose.


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## hinterdir

EleGirl said:


> Wow this is harsh. There are good reasons that a woman might want to use both names that have nothing to do with her trying to rip him off.
> 
> For example, if she is a woman who already has a career, completely changing her last name can cause a lot of confusion and even harm to her career.
> 
> If Mary Smith marries John Conseco and change her name to Mary Conseco, everything she has done in her career as Mary Smith is lost. She has to spend years explain to people that Mary Conseco is really Mary Smith. If on the other hand she uses the name Mary Smith Conseco, there is no explaining to do.
> 
> The other thing that happens is that she will have problems with any bank account, bills, credit cards, etc. with a name change. She can actually lose these accounts and the become converted to her husband.
> 
> I had this happen to me with a lot of things.. like credit cards, auto insurance, etc.
> 
> When I changed the names on a lot of accounts to my married name, they insisted on having his name and info. Then suddenly they were no longer my accounts, they were his. Some companies would not even talk to me without him there.
> 
> A woman changing her last name to her husband's name comes from a time when legally all of her assets transferred to her husband when she married. She also lost the citizenship in whatever country she was from and assumed his citizenship. Basically she lost her previous self.
> 
> There are many societies where women do not take their husband's last name, and many where a woman uses both names.
> 
> In my family, the woman have used both names since at least as far back as I have a history, back to the 1400's. Why? Because their maiden names meant something.
> 
> I ended up using both my maiden and married name. When I married I already had a career, publications, etc. I had investments, bank accounts, etc. I was able to take back most of the accounts that I lost when they put my husband as primary on my accounts. I cancelled the accounts that would not put me back on them as primary.


Ok. 

None of all that negated the other guys point at all. All of what you say can be true and still the guy can go the prenup route.


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## hinterdir

samyeagar said:


> My vote is for Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.


I always like Crab Bag.


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## NobodySpecial

SpinyNorman said:


> On the contrary I think you should think for yourself and dump the traditions that don't make sense. It's not like everyone in the stone age was smarter than everyone today and we are uppity if we don't take their word for stuff.


I think it is great when 2 people want to hold the same traditions whether they are "traditional" or not. That couples want to place value on a name is great! My objection to the post to which we both reply is the notion that women need to be a certain way men do too. So yah. I am agreeing with you.


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## SimplyAmorous

Texican said:


> It was never a question for us.
> 
> But we married near to 37 years ago. My wife would practice writing Mrs. gamboolman for months before we married. She was barely 17 when I met her and was 20 when we wed.
> 
> It was how we were raised and anything else was not normal.
> 
> She and I have no problem with ladies keeping their maiden name, but just was not us.
> 
> We also had / have one bank account. We were fairly poor for many years and could never understand separate accounts. Again that is just us.


We were the same.. joint accounts since the beginning, we are more Traditionally minded... Honesty I have never even heard of women who didn't want to take their husband's last name till I came to this forum.. 

Many times I read something here.. then open a discussion with my husband.. just to get his feelings on it...did this years ago on this subject...

I asked what if I was one of those women who bulked, didn't want to take his name, or suggesting he take mine ... We were very much in love, he was ready to marry me at 18 ... BUT he did say... had I put up a fuss about this.. he would have been very turned off , may not have married me even...

His response didn't bother me in any way...if I was in his shoes.. I would feel the same....I looked forward to being Mrs ___ , us becoming a family, our children bearing their fathers name, I , their Mother, the same..... 

For me.. this is about "honoring" your husband even...


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## NobodySpecial

SimplyAmorous said:


> We were the same.. joint accounts since the beginning, we are more Traditionally minded... Honesty I have never even heard of women who didn't want to take their husband's last name till I came to this forum..
> 
> Many times I read something here.. then open a discussion with my husband.. just to get his feelings on it...did this years ago on this subject...
> 
> I asked what if I was one of those women who bulked, didn't want to take his name, or suggesting he take mine ... We were very much in love, he was ready to marry me at 18 ... BUT he did say... had I put up a fuss about this.. he would have been very turned off , may not have married me even...
> 
> His response didn't bother me in any way...if I was in his shoes.. I would feel the same....I looked forward to being *Mrs ___* , us becoming a family, our children bearing their fathers name, I , their Mother, the same.....


Ha! When we first got married, I kept looking around for my mother-in-law!



> For *me*.. this is about "honoring" your husband even...


Know thyself! And rock it.


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## Anon Pink

I’ve always viewed this as a matter of practicality. 

If you plan to have children together:
-everyone’s last name should match.
-the last name should be the one that is closest to the letter A. My kids hated always being last in line because of their last name.
-everyone’s name should be the last name with the fewest letters. Again, my kids complained of the excessive, in their opinion, number of total letters in their name. Envious of the Asian friend whose first and last name were 2 letters, my oldest complained the loudest.

I’m not sure I’d trust a potential son in law who got his panties in a bunch over his wife refusing to drop her name in favor of his. 

My daughter’s wife took our last name because she agreed about kids last names matching both parents and she liked our last name better than hers. We should look to the lesbians for practical application of merging family names.

When I married my last name was fairly well known in our little neck of the woods and I didn’t want to give it up but I didn’t want my future kids to have a different name than their mother. I kept my maiden name as my middle name, no hyphen. All my kids have middle names that are maiden names, Mother in Laws’ maiden, my maiden, and my mother’s maiden.


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## CharlieParker

Anon Pink said:


> -the last name should be the one that is closest to the letter A. My kids hated always being last in line because of their last name.


I'm not sure if this :rofl: or brilliant, probably both.

My wife was still a German citizen when we got married. Because the German's love paperwork she called the consulate to ask if she needed to register it. She was told well of course, to which she asked why. The bureaucrat responded indignantly, well if you don't your children will have a different name. That's it, click. (At the time we still thought she would take my name and that we'd have kids.)


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## TexasGuy2018

What about a wife who still has the last name of her previous marriage and refuses to change to her new husband's last name? Should she change it? Should this bother her new husband?


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## Hopeful Cynic

TexasGuy2018 said:


> What about a wife who still has the last name of her previous marriage and refuses to change to her new husband's last name? Should she change it? Should this bother her new husband?


Yes, that would bother me tremendously. I'm fine with women sticking to their maiden name. I encourage it. But if a woman did change it for some other guy, but refused to go back to hers after divorce, and then refused to take mine as an alternative if we married, well, that would really reduce my respect for her. She'd have to have a very good explanation.


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## personofinterest

I'm wondering about all these "shoulds." I mean, if ME and MY husband agree on this, why the heck should I CARE what all the other men and women do? What is it with this thing where ALL couples need to do what WE think is right?


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## Married but Happy

TexasGuy2018 said:


> What about a wife who still has the last name of her previous marriage and refuses to change to her new husband's last name? Should she change it? Should this bother her new husband?


I really dislike when someone says I "should" do something. I hear it as "In my bias and ignorant opinion, you should ...."

My wife kept her ex's last name because they have kids together, and we didn't and wouldn't. It didn't bother me, but it does occasionally cause some confusion for other people who think traditionally, and some annoyance for us when they can't get our names right after repeated attempts to remind them.

Now that her kids are adults, she is considering changing her name to mine later this year, but we also discussed her changing it back to her so-called maiden name. The convenience factor of having the same name won out, though, despite the administrative inconveniences of making a change at all.


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