# Hi Ladies, Newbie here need your advice



## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Hi ladies,
I am new to this forum and very glad I found it. I need your advice in this please. My wife I have been married for nine years. In the nine years, I have never given her any grief or reason to to hurt me. In the past two month she has done the ladies night thing for the first time five times. I accepted the firts two. However, the the other three were done with a ten minute notice knowing that it would upset me and her having a reason to walk out. So now I am waitIng for the next time if it happens to see what I can say to her that will stop her in her tracks. I was thinking of using the word Tolerate. Please help me, I want to be firm and be ready with the right words. Again thank you for your time.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

What all do the "ladies nights" entail?


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

827Aug said:


> What all do the "ladies nights" entail?


For what she would tell me going with friends to go have drinks. Btw we have a child together that has noticed a change too.
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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Are you against her going? Or, are you just against the 10 minute notice?


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

moonangel said:


> Are you against her going? Or, are you just against the 10 minute notice?


Yes! Reason is because it became an whole night thing coming home at 4 am without a call or reason. To make matters worse my daughter had a severe cold new about and left anyway. Pretty sad when seven year old ask for mommy at 2 in the morning. All I'm asking is that if she decides to keep this up I want to put a stop to it in a way where I do not offend or say the wrong thing. We have had a great marriage until now and I feal as if I have trouble breathing when Fridays comes around.
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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, if it is a scheduled night out, I probably wouldn't see a problem. Are the women she is going out with single or married? Are you sure she is going out with women? I do find it to be a little strange your young child is noticing something is up. You may need to do more checking and/or have some boundries that both of you can live with.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

My daughters husband has gone out every Friday night for the whole duration of their relationship,he comes home at 4 am sometimes too.She has been cool with this But if she goes out past midnight periodically he has a hyper fit...You should take Saturday night for yourself and do your boys night out then see what she feels like about her behavior.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

peace said:


> Yes! Reason is because it became an whole night thing coming home at 4 am without a call or reason. To make matters worse my daughter had a severe cold new about and left anyway. Pretty sad when seven year old ask for mommy at 2 in the morning. All I'm asking is that if she decides to keep this up I want to put a stop to it in a way where I do not offend or say the wrong thing. We have had a great marriage until now and I feal as if I have trouble breathing when Fridays comes around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes what? You're against her going or you're against the 10 minute thing? OR BOTH??? 

And, why do you want to wait until next time to say something? It's so odd that you'd do that. If it's on your mind, you really should take her aside and bring it up.

Also, why do you allow her to go out so often and so late? If your child got sick and she wanted her mommy, you call her mommy ASAP and say, "Bring yo [you-know-what] home. Your child misses you and so do I!" Okay, that's a little rough but you know what I mean. I would say something like that without the cuss words of course. Or if my husband said that to me, I'd be on my way ASAP. Of course, I would never go out with friends like that...I love husband (and kids) too much to chose my friends over him.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

moonangel said:


> Yes what? You're against her going or you're against the 10 minute thing? OR BOTH???
> 
> And, why do you want to wait until next time to say something? It's so odd that you'd do that. If it's on your mind, you really should take her aside and bring it up.
> 
> Also, why do you allow her to go out so often and so late? If your child got sick and she wanted her mommy, you call her mommy ASAP and say, "Bring yo [you-know-what] home. Your child misses you and so do I!" Okay, that's a little rough but you know what I mean. I would say something like that without the cuss words of course. Or if my husband said that to me, I'd be on my way ASAP. Of course, I would never go out with friends like that...I love husband (and kids) too much to chose my friends over him.


Thank you for your input. I have told about it and that I was against her going so late and it got me know where. I also called her when my daugheter was asking for her and she did not answer my calls. The bext day I confronted her and told her that it was not acceptable in what she was doing and that I was not going to put up with it anymore. She then said that she was very sorry for everything.Why should I continue to bang her head she knows I feel about it. Her freinds are single and divorced. Misery loves company.
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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Her not answering her phone is a big red flag. When my husband first began cheating, he always claimed he was having guys night out or guys weekends. It's funny; he wouldn't answer his phone then either. That even led to trouble because he wouldn't answer his phone when the police called him on at least two occasions. Our store burglary alarm went off a few nights, and he wouldn't take the calls. They then called me at home (& one of my brothers). It wasn't adding up. You really need to find out more about your wife's activities. In addition, you may want to suggest counseling before things get worse.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

In my opinion, going out like that (all hours of the night - every weekend) is wrong when married with children. After getting in at 4am, what kind of functioning parent is she the next day? A once in a blue moon outing like a stagette - totally understandable - but every weekend? I don't know what you could 'say' to stop her but it's sad you'd even need to. My most cherished times are home with my family.
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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You're probably not going to want to do this, but you need to tell her that you will NOT accept this behavior. If she wants to run around like a single and divorced woman, then she's going to be a single and divorced woman. 
You need to find out WHY she wants to run around like this in the first place, to the point of leaving her sick child. Sure, she probably felt you had things under control...that's not the point. Most mothers won't leave their sick child. You need counseling, seriously. But you need to put a stop to her activities first.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Thats how it starts, does she spend alot of time on the internet too?.sometimes it can be stopped but who is she hanging with do you know the friends? they married mine did that for awhile but her friends were married & their husbands put a stop to it,but there is nothing you can do be calm & dont fight investigate whats going on .


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

major misfit said:


> You're probably not going to want to do this, but you need to tell her that you will NOT accept this behavior. If she wants to run around like a single and divorced woman, then she's going to be a single and divorced woman.
> You need to find out WHY she wants to run around like this in the first place, to the point of leaving her sick child. Sure, she probably felt you had things under control...that's not the point. Most mothers won't leave their sick child. You need counseling, seriously. But you need to put a stop to her activities first.


Thank you,
It has been two weekends now that she has not gone out or mentioned anything to me since the last time. If she was going out with married women for happy hour I have no problems with that. However, going out with divorce and single women is not accepptable. I just need to be strong and firm if this ever comes up again, I will not tolerate it anymore.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sounds like maybe things are back on track.

What made her decide to start going out to a ladies night? Was that addressed at all? It might indicate an issue she's having in the marriage that she hasn't revealed to you.

Leopards don't change their spots overnight. To go from not going out to constantly going out to bars with single women and drinking says to me that there are some issues for her in the marriage.

Did you ever ask her why it was important to her and why the change and need to go out in the first place?

You might have solved the symptom by putting your foot down but are you sure you've solved the problem?


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sounds like maybe things are back on track.
> 
> What made her decide to start going out to a ladies night? Was that addressed at all? It might indicate an issue she's having in the marriage that she hasn't revealed to you.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your support,

I don`t know if I solved the problem because it is she who needs to realize the harm that she has done already. And that next time could be the end of a good marriage for the sake of what. All I want to know is, what is the best way to get a my point across for her to say wow he means it now. I have been assertive with her always and do not want to be rude but firm.


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## FCHAVEZ (Jan 20, 2011)

I think it is good to have ladies night as well as guys night out. I try to get out with my girls atleast once a month. Why don't you and your wife try to designate once a month or twice a month outings so that she still feels she can hang out with her friends, but is more of a scheduled time so you both always know when it will be. As someone who loves my friends and needs to have them in my life I know how important it is to have those nights. Another thing you may want to consider is setting a time that is respectful to be home. My husband and I both talked and agreed that 1am is a suitable time. I think you just need to talk to her before your feelings get bottled up and it is to late because you are about to explode.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

FCHAVEZ said:


> I think it is good to have ladies night as well as guys night out. I try to get out with my girls atleast once a month. Why don't you and your wife try to designate once a month or twice a month outings so that she still feels she can hang out with her friends, but is more of a scheduled time so you both always know when it will be. As someone who loves my friends and needs to have them in my life I know how important it is to have those nights. Another thing you may want to consider is setting a time that is respectful to be home. My husband and I both talked and agreed that 1am is a suitable time. I think you just need to talk to her before your feelings get bottled up and it is to late because you are about to explode.


I get your point. However, my wife and I have always had a great dates together on the weekends. We always found something to do and would leave our daughter at my parents or inlaws do we can be all night out. For now I need for us to focus on our family and see if we can meet in the middle later on. in other words, I need the respect back in our home first.
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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

peace said:


> Thank you,
> It has been two weekends now that she has not gone out or mentioned anything to me since the last time. If she was going out with married women for happy hour I have no problems with that. However, going out with divorce and single women is not accepptable. I just need to be strong and firm if this ever comes up again, I will not tolerate it anymore.


Yes, you do...be strong and firm, that is. You need to be prepared to shove (not literally) if push comes to shove. You may have to make a believer out of her. She needs to know this is a drop dead deal breaker for you, and you're not going to tolerate it.

But honestly, I'd still want to find out WHY she feels the need to do this. Happily married and content women usually don't want to spend THIS MUCH time away from the family. It just sounds like there's an issue there somewhere that you don't know about.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

major misfit said:


> Yes, you do...be strong and firm, that is. You need to be prepared to shove (not literally) if push comes to shove. You may have to make a believer out of her. She needs to know this is a drop dead deal breaker for you, and you're not going to tolerate it.
> 
> But honestly, I'd still want to find out WHY she feels the need to do this. Happily married and content women usually don't want to spend THIS MUCH time away from the family. It just sounds like there's an issue there somewhere that you don't know about.



I wish she was open with me, I have never given her a reason to not be open with me. She along with her siblings have this problem. She has a problem facing confrentation and being open minded. I feel like I always have to guess what is in her mind, that alone has been the only down fall in our relationship.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

peace said:


> I wish she was open with me, I have never given her a reason to not be open with me. She along with her siblings have this problem. She has a problem facing confrentation and being open minded. I feel like I always have to guess what is in her mind, that alone has been the only down fall in our relationship.


Ok, she sounds conflict-avoidant. That doesn't mean that you can't keep trying to get her to open up to you. Is counseling an option? Even if she wouldn't consider marriage counseling, would it be possible for you? A therapist might be able to give you tools in communicating with her in a way that would be helpful.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

major misfit said:


> Ok, she sounds conflict-avoidant. That doesn't mean that you can't keep trying to get her to open up to you. Is counseling an option? Even if she wouldn't consider marriage counseling, would it be possible for you? A therapist might be able to give you tools in communicating with her in a way that would be helpful.


She is very avoidant for sure and never wants to face reality. She went to see a Psychologist last week. The only thing that she said is that she needs to learn how to cope with her situations. It is hard to deal with someone that does not play in the field or team with you. I am as honest and sincere as they come, she knows that. It has been difficult to deal with this in my marriage for nine years and it seems to get worse with time. I just hope she can open up and be totally honest with me some day before it is too late.

This is how we are getting along now, we havent had any intamcy in over a month, we just started kissing (POP KISS) in the morning, when we come home from work and at night to say good night. I don`t want to rush her, but I need to this relationship to spark up again. How should I approach this with her. Again thank you for your support, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to read and post on here. It has been a blessing for me to find a useful resource to my situation from people whom I don`t even know.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Are you open to the idea of counseling for yourself? Have you researched different ways of communicating? It's the world wide web out there, and many good sites dedicated to communication. I wish I had a link for you, but maybe someone here will read this and have one. In the interim, I'd be searching for forms of communication. There's something there that you haven't put your finger on, I'd bet on it.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

major misfit said:


> Are you open to the idea of counseling for yourself? Have you researched different ways of communicating? It's the world wide web out there, and many good sites dedicated to communication. I wish I had a link for you, but maybe someone here will read this and have one. In the interim, I'd be searching for forms of communication. There's something there that you haven't put your finger on, I'd bet on it.


I am seeking for a therapist. I will need one because I have a wife that is not honest or open minded. I feel that when I ask her something I'm not getting the truth now. I feel drain and concern that this will take me to a diffrent path. Right now it is difficult for me because I am the one that does not want to be home because I feel as if the walls were coming on top of me. 

I am at a stand still with no solution to make me forget about what she has done in such little time and here I am still in the marriage trying to make it work. I don't see to much effort on her end and that alone is dragging me away. I don't want to get hurt again that's for sure because I do not deserve it.
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