# Feeling sad today



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

On the whole, life is good. But the last 24 hours have been sad for a lot of reasons. 

I've been thinking about my ex and sad. I feel so betrayed and then I'm frustrated because I don't want to give him that energy. 

Losing him meant that I don't really have family. I mean I do, but I was thinking about who I would want to make health care decision for me if I were incapacitated. Before it was him. I knew he knew what I wanted and I trusted him. And now, even after almost a year and a half, I still don't have anyone that I feel I trust like that. 

I'm sure I will be fine in a day or two. 

Today sadness was amplified by two things. 
David Bowie's death makes me sad. Not so much because he was so important to me, but because was the favorite artist of my friend Gordon who killed himself 3 years ago. Thinking of David Bowie makes me think of Gordon. 

But the saddest thing that has happened today is that one of my students was diagnosed with leukemia. She was diagnosed on Friday but I found out today. 
She's 4. 

It's hard to think of a 4 year old being that sick. 

I mean I know it happens, and I've worked with kids that sick before. I've even had one die. (That was really hard.) But I saw here the week before Christmas and she was so lively and it's just weird to think that that whole time she was actually really sick. 

I just needed to write it down. Share it. I will get through the sadness and be okay. I'm hoping my student will be okay too. Apparently it's very treatable. 

And as for Gordon and my ex, well I guess it's normal that I have bad days. Today I just got it all at once.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Super huge (((( hugs)))) to you (and I'm not usually an internet hugger type.)

Sometimes things just suck and it is hard when you are on your own. But you know what? Tomorrow is a new day, it could be the best day of your life, how amazing that we don't know from one day to the next what life will bring us.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thanks Holland. 

Over all, life is actually really good. I am moving forward in life and starting new journeys that I am excited about. Just today...it was a sad day. It will be better tomorrow.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Whistle or hum, it's funny how that works but it chases the blues away (at least for a bit).


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear you're having rough few days. Here are some good things I noticed from your post: you show awareness that this level of depression will pass. Sometimes when we're having a bad day or two, it seems like it's unending, but when you acknowledge to yourself that it WILL get better in a day or two, you allow yourself to grieve, mourn, process etc. and then set yourself back up and brush yourself off, and soldier on.

You also had the instinct to write it down and share - exactly what you should be doing to make sense of your feelings and reactions and get some perspective.

You show remarkable self-awareness when you started tracking your reaction to David Bowie's death. 

I don't think the illness of a student that severe is going to be something that flows over you that quickly, and it's completely understandable if you have some bad days as a result. Having to watch someone so young suffer is unfathomable and there are no pat phrases I can offer to make that loss any smaller. I'm so sorry. Continuing to be there for your student will be an enormous gift to her and her family. You're obviously a very caring person which is why this has hit you so hard.

The sudden gap in our lives when divorce happens is rough - my family is basically abroad, so my in-case-of-emergency person is the mother of a friend of mine who lives locally. I wouldn't overthink it. You basically need someone you trust to make decisions in the event that you're not able to - they don't need to be your soul mate. Can you ask a good friend? Any friends who live locally?

This sounds like a LOT for any one person to be handling on their own - severe illness of a student, friend who committed suicide, divorce. I'm glad you came here, but are you also in counseling? It sounds like you might benefit from it. That's what it's there for - these rough periods in life. I hope if you're not already in counseling that you will consider it. I hate to think of you trying to deal with all of this by yourself.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Thank you Joan. 
I have been in counseling. I went to counseling to initially process my grief with my friend dying, and I went to counseling during and right after my divorce. 

It's because of that, that I am able to acknowledge my sadness. And I know it's better to write it out and/or talk about it. 

Most of the time, I feel good. Which is a lot better than I was a year ago, when most of the time I felt sad and angry. 

I am sure I will go back. But right now, I feel like I feel reasonably sad for things that are in fact sad. And I'm not sure that needs fixing. Even writing about it, made me feel better. 

Also, I can share the grief of losing my friend and being sad about my student. I'm not the only one who feels sad about it. I don't feel alone. 

The grief of divorce is fairly lonely though. I'm the only one suffering this particular loss. Of course it helps to come here, because other people are going through something similar, and I don't feel so alone.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Here is something for you to try. Carry with you a clicker or a pen (must make a noise). Whenever you experience something that makes you happy or makes you laugh, click on the clicker. Eventually you will condition yourself to feel happy whenever you hear that sound, so whenever you feel sad, click on it and you will feel happy.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I think it's perfectly normal and expected to have really lousy days. I know how you feel, many of us know how you feel. It is hard to start over. I am in the same boat after 33 years of marriage. I have to rewrite my will, medical directive, power of attorney and all that good stuff and I am at a lost. I hope you feel better soon. :smile2:


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Wow after 33 years thats a long time. I am married 35 and still am. 

I have sad days where it overwhelms me or days where I don't care about anything. Seems this time of year triggers them a lot for me. There have been three deaths in my DIL's family in the last six months all parents of a big combined family. All three from cancer. There is so much suffering in the world some days I wonder whats the point.

The only solace I can provide is it will pass. Realize that and don't sit idle and ruminate. I have a friend that copes by planning out the next two hours, then the next then the next. It works, try to keep busy but know it will pass.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> ....................*The grief of divorce is fairly lonely though. * I'm the only one suffering this particular loss. Of course it helps to come here, because other people are going through something similar, and I don't feel so alone.


So true. I remember being in the car and wanting to scream then looking around me at all the other people just getting on with their lives, didn't they know the pain I was in? It all seemed so futile.

Then again I was lonely in my marriage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hugs and kisses, Sweetheart! I can well imagine how it is how you feel! I'm sending up prayers for you as I speak!

Please rest assured that most all of us at here TAM are here for you if you ever need us!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Holland said:


> So true. I remember being in the car and wanting to scream then looking around me at all the other people just getting on with their lives, didn't they know the pain I was in? It all seemed so futile.


Yes! This!

On that front, I am doing better. You know how you go through the stages of grief in no particular order and even when you hit acceptance you still go back to denial or bargaining?

Well, I nearly laughed out loud when it suddenly occurred to me that my bargaining had changed. I know longer play the "what if" game to save my marriage. Instead I play the "what if" I had only found out earlier. Then I could have ended the marriage sooner. 

But in the end, it doesn't matter. And like I said, today I am doing much better on that front. 

On the other hand the day has been crap. I've been avoiding facebook and David Bowie stuff, but my student has taken a huge amount of my emotional energy today. Her mom started a Blog on a site for people with medical issues, so I finally got to find out the info. She has acute lymphoblastic leukemia. She was diagnosed on Friday and had her first chemo treatment yesterday. Apparantly this is the more treatable leukemia, but she's expected to have 2 1/2 years of chemo. It makes me sad. Tomorrow morning is when I would normally see her. She won't be there, obviously and I'm going to notice her absence. 

Outside of that, so many things went wrong today it was funny. As soon as I can leave work I am out of here. 

Gonna go change into my PJ. Make some popcorn and drink water out of a wine glass. I'd actually drink wine, but sadly it messes with my sleep, so I'll just have to pretend.


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## mandik (Jan 13, 2016)

Sorry to hear your sad...ppl change, places change love changes we have to accept change not as failure but as growth, we can't stay stuck in places with ppl when change is happening cause it never works..look at what you accomplished since the change, the person you are and be proud..you can visit for fond memories but don't stay, your not that person any more...your uniquely wonderful...

Sent from my QTAQZ3 using Tapatalk


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You guys are the best. 

I feel much better. A good night of sleep will do that. 

I did have a really weird dream about remarrying my ex. But as soon as we had gotten married I knew it had been a mistake and I wanted an annulment. Very weird dream. 

That might have actually come from reading some articles about trust. 

In the threads about must haves and deal breakers, I realized I couldn't come up with anything realistic, because I don't want a relationship. 

But when I really think about it, it's not that I don't want a relationship, it's that I don't trust myself to recognize appropriate relationship boundaries. I don't know how to be with someone without losing myself, and I really like myself. I don't want to lose who I am again. 

So even if I could list all the things I want, that's all external. The important stuff is internal. 

I know how to cut a guy loose when he doesn't respect my boundaries, but I don't know all the boundaries I should have. 
I look back at my marriage and look at all the times when I should have set a boundary, but didn't. I guess I'll have to work on that.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Hi, BW. I haven't seen you around in a while. I think we comment on different threads.

Remind yourself that the grief is cyclical and jumbled up; it's not linear, you'll have good days and bad days. And there's a number of things that compound it for you right now.

And I think that when a popular figure like David Bowie passes, there is a shared, communal grief that can create waves of energy (if you believe in that sort of thing), and that may be impacting you as well.

Just remember that this too shall pass, and if you need to, have a good cry. That always seems to help me.

*hugs*


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Hi, FIP. I am around. I read a lot and keep up, but forget to post. And you are right. The grief is cyclical and not always in any order.


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