# Perpetuating the lie.....



## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I finally had a good long talk tonite with my wife.. Or soon to be ex...something had been bothering me for a long time and it had to come out.. Stand tall and be a man.. I never in our whole 9year marriage felt anything more for her then a deep friendship .. I think I was more in love with the idea of having someone .. Or loving someone that I played a role.. I hate myself for it.. We have two wonderful kids.. But I was so torn.. While telling them not to lie.. Here I was living a huge lie!!! It had to stop for all involved.. Just wanted to vent.. More to come
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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

hurtingsodeeply said:


> I finally had a good long talk tonite with my wife.. Or soon to be ex...something had been bothering me for a long time and it had to come out.. Stand tall and be a man.. I never in our whole 9year marriage felt anything more for her then a deep friendship .. I think I was more in love with the idea of having someone .. Or loving someone that I played a role.. I hate myself for it.. We have two wonderful kids.. But I was so torn.. While telling them not to lie.. Here I was living a huge lie!!! It had to stop for all involved.. Just wanted to vent.. More to come
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Has anyone else ever been in this situation ? I have really struggled with this for a long time.. Many times at the verge of thinking it would be better to end it all then to put them thru anymore pain.. It feels better the be honest.. But it still hurts.. She is a greatbfriend.. But don't we all (meaning me and her)have the rite to live and love honestly and wholeheartedly ??
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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

I haven't been married as long as you have...but I am going through this right now. I love my husband, but not enough to be married, more as a best friend. Regardless, it still hurts. I came clean about how I've been feeling last Saturday. I have a whole thread on it...

I hope that everything goes as smoothly so far as mine has gone. I know having children in the mix is a lot harder...


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

So far so good.. We never had a fight about anything un our 9 years of marriage.. Which looking back.. Isn't normal, rite?? Everyone fights and that's healthy. This past year really stuck it yo me. And I didn't want to do it at Xmas time.. But she pushed and wanted to know.. My therapy is going great.. She wants couples therapy .. I think it would only help to maybe help each of us understand more of what we are dealing with.. I know I've hurt her. Hopefully she can get over that and still remain friends .. I may be losing my wife.. But I hope to gain an amazing friend .. I'm going to tough it out until the new year for the kids sake.. Christmas day will be rough.. I never have my family around as they live 2000 miles away.. So only family is hers.. Not sure how I'll do.. But for my kids sake.. I have to man up .. Suck it up and just do it.. I know we have a long road ahead of us.. But hopefully in time things will get better
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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

hurtingsodeeply said:


> So far so good.. We never had a fight about anything un our 9 years of marriage.. Which looking back.. Isn't normal, rite?? Everyone fights and that's healthy. This past year really stuck it yo me. And I didn't want to do it at Xmas time.. But she pushed and wanted to know.. My therapy is going great.. She wants couples therapy .. I think it would only help to maybe help each of us understand more of what we are dealing with.. I know I've hurt her. Hopefully she can get over that and still remain friends .. I may be losing my wife.. But I hope to gain an amazing friend .. I'm going to tough it out until the new year for the kids sake.. Christmas day will be rough.. I never have my family around as they live 2000 miles away.. So only family is hers.. Not sure how I'll do.. But for my kids sake.. I have to man up .. Suck it up and just do it.. I know we have a long road ahead of us.. But hopefully in time things will get better
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Strangely, it helps knowing others are in the same position as me. I know the holidays will be different this year...we don't have chlidren, and I am heading down to Ohio to spend time with my parents, sans stbxh, for Christmas. Luckily his family is around here where we live and he will be with them. I know things will get harder once he moves out in mid/late January. That's when the reality will hit. I know this is right, but regardless, I still care for him deeply and am dealing with the loss I feel. One day at a time...I just have to keep telling myself that. It will get better.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

that's exactly what my therapist said to me.. Take it one day at a time.. And care for yourself first.. I'm sure there will be UPS and downs.. But right now its the best fir all involved
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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

I know what you mean. Trust me. Feel free to message me or post anytime.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

It really was a huge relief to get it out in the open.. Hurt like hell.. But much better.. She really now understands why I put her thru hell.. I always thought I was protecting her and myself from pain.. But it only caused more pain for both of us.. I really did fall in love with the idea of just having someone in my life.. I guess really I was a very selfish person.. She may hate me.. She may love me.. But in the end its better to be honest and sincere than to lie and deceive
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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

I understand the selfish feeling...and if any, guilt. I feel that very deeply...wishing that we both (my husband) would have dated longer and lived together before getting married. It was only a year and a half later into our marriage that I started having doubts and, often times, wish, that I was single again, on my own...not married. Both of us so different in our own ways, our backgrounds in how we grew up, the way we do things, and arguing often, finding it hard to compromise on things...

I am hoping that the mc will help me through this difficult time. At times, I am scared about what the future holds right now, and am so used to being around him, our habits, that its hard to find the courage to move forward...questioning myself about what I'm doing...but I know its right, even though a chunk of me wants to run back. But if I do that, I know that feeling will remain, and come back stronger. I've been feeling this way for 2.5 yrs, and 1 year of counseling did not squashing that feeling...or fix my attraction issues. 

I feel horrible for keeping this secret for so long from him, that was selfish in itself...and not fully open until now. Yes, a great weight has been lifted, and I look at him differently now since. I know I still love him, but its different.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

its very hard to explain to someone that you do love and care for them.. But to me to love someone enuf to be husband and wife.. No matter how long you've been married there still needs to be some butterflies .. Some zing... I've never felt that with her.. Even thought we have two beautiful kids who I love with all my heart.. It there isn't anything else there.. I come home to a roommate not a wife..if you ever want to Pm me.. Maybe knowing someone else is suffering the same way you are always helps..
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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

So I had a bit further of a discussion with my husband (stbxh) this evening. It finally came out, he's felt the same way, too. He agreed with a lot of the things I said over a week ago, and said that I was the one that had the courage to first say something. He wasn't as happy as he lead on, and realized that we definitely don't have much in common or common life goals, personality traits. Its sad to know, but I feel even more weight lifted and a peace settling over me. I can now move on without wondering "what if".

I've been overwhelmed with grief and sadness over the past several days, having "what ifs" and, questions regarding if I did enough in our marriage...now I don't have those anymore.

I took my ring off tonight. Step #1 in "Operation Moving Forward". 

I hope you are doing ok. Just thought I'd check in.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

i am doing ok.. Thanks for asking. Glad your doing ok to.. My stbxw finally took her rings off to.. I think now that I have come completely clean it is a big relief for both of us.. Things seem friendly for now.. Lets hope it stays that way.. I'd pm you.. But I'm new here and don't know how to do that.. Keep me posted and I will so the same.. Always nice to know there is someone else who feels the way you do
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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Honestly speaking, it really is better to be honest about it. She's probably strong enough to take it and not fall apart, even if it will hurt; after all, you aren't the sum total of her universe. So, I think you're doing the right thing. By telling her the truth, you're treating her with dignity and respect. I have always thought that it is better to have an amicable split based on honesty than to have a relationship crash and burn because the couple has stayed in it out of convenience rather than genuine commitment; that's the kind of thing that leads to the pain of infidelity, emotional abuse, and other such things. Imagine how much time you guys have already lost being with each other; that time could have been spent on someone you each cherished and who cherished you in return. Hang in there!


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I have done alot of thinking since talking with my soon to be xw.. In nine years of marriage , never in those years did she ever initiate any thing.. I was always the one doing that.. She did suffer abuse as a child by an uncle.. I have asked her to go to therapy to no avail.. Three years without physical intimate contact is to long.. I want someone who is willing to work on the relationship .. Not just ride along.. I want to be wanted.. Desired.. All those feelings, I miss that alot.. I think its a multitude of happenings that brought us to this point .. But I think its better to part as friends then as enemies ..
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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

Had another long drawn out discussion with my stbxw.. And man.. Did I ever let her play mr like a fiddle.. Almost fell for every word she said.. She said she was finally understanding what I was saying.. Then she tried using a ploy of talking to her mom.. Said her mom could see all the love in my actions I have for my stbxw... If I don't display it.. How can anyone aee it?? After her long drawn out talk.. She had to FORCE tears!!!! I couldn't believe it.. She got up went to bathroom and I could hear her doing something.. I looked thru the door.. And saw her with water bottle spraying directly into her eyes !!! I walked away and waited to see what would happen.. She comenout sniffing and with a wet Kleenex.. Man..did I ever go off the deep end!!! I asked her what she was up to.. I know she wants me back.. But I AM DONE!!! How do I make her aee that?? I haven't touched her or said I love you in over a week... I am really looking forward to getting thru the holiday and then make my break!!!
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like you have a good overall relationship with your wife. You have children you love. A home life you will most likely miss horribly. 

The fact that you two have never fought could very well mean that you both have very healthy ways of handling conflict. It's a good sign of your relationship.

Love changes over time. Marriages go through lots of ups and downs.

If you want to try to repair you marriage and find passion I truely believe there is a way to do it.

Have you read any of the books by Dr. Harely? "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good place to start. Dr. Harely also does counseling (marriage coaching really) via the telephone.

I suggest that you give this one last try before ending your marriage. Your children are worth it. Breaking up their family will most likely have very bad affects on them. Do everything you can before going for a divorce.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I have been fighting this for nine years.. What we have has NEVER felt like a marriage.. I never really fell in love with her.. I was 31 when we met.. I had just come from many years as a long haul truck drive.. A VERY lonely existence .. We met on line and talked as friends for awhile.. I thought I was in love.. But really looking back I was in love with the idea of being in love.. Having someone .. My parents were really pressuring for grandkids.. And I couldn't say no at the time.. Something I've come to see thru my therapy. I proposed the first day we met in person.. Without really thinking it thru... Now I can't live it anymore.. As for negatively impacting the kids?? Only if younlet it... I have a few friends who have divorced and those kids are fine.. Why is it everyone see divorce as a negative??? I think this is positive .. Will allow BOTH of us to find someone who truly loves us!!!!! She has NEVER done therapy .. Suggests it.. Both IC and MC.. But when pushed about it she backs away.. I have been in IC for 6 months now.. Going regularly .. every two weeks... Why should my kids not see that the truth is better then living a lie???
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