# In pain all over again...need advice...



## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

Oh dear...sitting here feeling just as low (if not lower) than I did when I found out that my ex wife was cheating on me 18 months ago :-(

I've been in a (seemingly) great relationship with a 35 year old mum of 3 little ones since February (I am full time parent to a 5 year old boy too). She seemed to be so "into" our relationship and was super keen at the beginning with talks of me and my son moving in with her (she lives about 90 mins away), us getting married, her kids buying me Fathers' day gifts. We fell in love deeply, intensely, and quickly...but although I did/do love her I didn't want to rush into anything like living together just yet...I still wanted to be with her. 

Despite the fact that it was good, I always felt like I had to "slot into" her life (she could never relocate because her parents have just bought her a house right next to them, her parents are around her 24/7, she has a very clingy best friend, she works 7 days a week...and she seemed very much to be "controlled" by her parents and friends). It was hard to find time to be together and I started to feel like I was doing most of the running (I'd always drive to her because she was so busy, I often felt like I was feeding off whatever scraps of time she had available)...and while I respected that she probably had no choice in that, small cracks started to appear. 

For example, on my birthday weekend we had planned to spend it together...and we had looked forward to this for a while. When it came around I got a little annoyed because she worked, slept, and then announced she had to go to her cousin's BBQ (which she hadn't told me about). I could have gone with her...but felt a little annoyed and hurt that she didn't seem to care about us spending the day together as we'd planned...so I didn't go. We had an argument about this...and a couple of other similar arguments followed.

Over the next few weeks she became very irritable, colder, distant. I tried hard to communicate with her about what was wrong but I always got nothing from her. She isn't a great communicator. Slowly, it felt like the sweet things we both did to make each other feel loved were becoming increasingly one sided (her text messages slowed, she seemed annoyed to hear from me). So I became confused...she said she was fine...clearly she wasn't. I asked her if she was having second thoughts...she said no. Eventually, after weeks of this coldness (and a spoiled camping trip with our kids where she was ultra miserable it seemed) she said she felt depressed and overwhelmed with her life and she didn't know what to do but that she didn't want to end our relationship...but didn't like dragging me into her mess.

I accepted that and said I'd take her out for a really nice date at the weekend. We went to a really nice restaurant and had a lovely evening together cuddling and being close...she seemed so normal that weekend. In the morning, she woke up early and went to work...kissed me goodbye like usual. Then I went to do some work on her computer (as I usually did)...and open on the screen was a paid dating site subscription she'd made two days ago  She had a profile up and had been messaging numerous guys...

I was gutted. I asked her about it when she got home and she said it was nothing, just something her friends and her did at work for fun. I didn't buy that...and was pretty annoyed. She said she didn't want us to split up, was ultra confused and depressed...and didn't know what to do. She was crying and upset. I suggested we maybe need some space to think...she agreed. However, in the first few days after that...I couldn't get that website out of my head...and I texted her and called her a few times to say I think she should take it down and cancel it. She was very annoyed by this...said I was pressuring her and was pretty nasty to me in all communications.

So I got annoyed one night and pushed her on it some more. The next day I had an e-mail from her saying she was furious at how pressuring I'm being and that she had wanted to take a break to clear her head but that I'm clearly not happy with that and so she had to let me break free. I thanked her for this and ignored her for a few days. Had an e-mail reaching out to me from her...asked me to call...so I called in a day or so. We chatted...but she was standoffish...although clearly relieved I'd called her. So I suggested we take a complete break and speak again in a week or so...after we cool down. She said "definitely" and seemed OK with that.

I have left her alone for a week now...no contact at all...but I'm really missing her, still pretty confused and upset about WTF happened here?! And don't know whether I should call her, write her an e-mail, or do anything at all?! I'm shocked and hurt that she (a) could not communicate with me about how she was feeling, and (b) was disrespectful enough to join a dating website while we were together. I don't know whether I should try to calmly get to the bottom of this and see if we can work it out...or whether I should run for the hills. Clearly, she is confused and unable to tell me what's going on in her head. But I'm not a mind reader...

I guess I just wanted some perspective from others...I've felt like crap this weekend because all of this has just opened many of the old painful wounds from my unfaithful ex wife :-(


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> was disrespectful enough to join a dating website


Yep. Disrespect. She shows it in myriad ways. Your having to "fit in" in her "free" time. You having all the travel. 

I can guarantee that she will, if you marry her:

1) completely ignore all of your needs
2) cheat
3) prefer her family over you
4) refuse to make any sacrifices for your benefit



> she is confused and unable to tell me what's going on in her head


She is NOT confused, nor is she "unable". She FULLY UNDERSTANDS what is going on in her head. She DOESN'T RESPECT you enough to tell you that she doesn't want a committed relationship. 

She is one of the "milk it through the fence" crowd.


Therefore, I recommend that you close the book on this one.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My perspective is she is showing you exactly who she is but you refuse to pay attention. You have not said one thing that would make me think any man should be with this woman. Her parents, her friends, the way you are put on the back burner. 

What kind of job goes 7 days a week?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Chiksam I am sorry you are in this position but joining a website while you were together is a red flag that she is not 100% committed to you. 

I would stick to the NC as I don't think she knows what she wants. Let her chase you


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think you dodged a big bullet. Congratulations.


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## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

Thanks for your replies guys. Why TF can't I just leave this alone now?! I know, somewhere deep down in my gut, that what you're saying here is correct. And I guess I am choosing to ignore that on some level.

It just felt like she was so "in" the relationship...and then, just like that, she was so "out" of it. The most frustrating thing of all is that she WILL NOT communicate! I feel like I need to hear from her that she wants me to f**k off...

Sure, I may not have done everything perfectly...but I tried by balls off to bond with her kids (which I did really well...and they are DIFFICULT kids)...to fit in with her life...to show her I cared (I took her to Prague for a holiday, took her and her kids away camping, drove an awful long way to be with her for her birthday, looked after her when she was sick, listened to her for hours and supported her as she coped with her divorce). And now I'm an a**hole because I got annoyed that she wasn't very available on my birthday and sometimes got miffed because she would go cold on me?! :scratchhead:

I couldn't have given much more of myself to this relationship. Why TH won't she at least talk about how we can work on whatever is the issue and move forward? OR...tell me there's nothing to move forward with and end it?


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

chiksam said:


> Oh dear...sitting here feeling just as low (if not lower) than I did when I found out that my ex wife was cheating on me 18 months ago :-(
> 
> I've been in a (seemingly) great relationship with a 35 year old mum of 3 little ones since February (I am full time parent to a 5 year old boy too). She seemed to be so "into" our relationship and was super keen at the beginning with talks of me and my son moving in with her (she lives about 90 mins away), us getting married, her kids buying me Fathers' day gifts. We fell in love deeply, intensely, and quickly...but although I did/do love her I didn't want to rush into anything like living together just yet...I still wanted to be with her.
> 
> ...


You're moving way too fast. You need to slow down and really enjoy being single and continue being a great dad to your kid.
She probably thinks you're needy and suffocating her.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

She's obviously stringing you along while she entertains other men. She's weighing her options and areadly have you pegged as the "safe" choice. You shouldn't be surprised if she has been sleeping with other men. The question that I have for you is why are you subjecting yourself to this disrespect? Tell her to kick rocks.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She started going to a dating site(s) behind your back. THEN gets annoyed and feels pressured when you ask her to cancel the account(s). YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK!

You know where you stand with her now. Just be glad that she hadn't started having sex with anyone else before you found out. Getting STD tests because your SO cheated is the worst.

You can stay and try to work things out, but what happens the next time you catch her?... Think about that. You caught her. She didn't tell you that she was looking else where out of remorse. You had to catch her to get her to stop... wait a minute. She hasn't stopped yet.

She gets caught having a dating-site account and she not only doesn't delete the account on her own, she get's p!ssed when you tell her to... Think about that.

I think you realize what's most likely going to end up happening if you stay with this woman. You must also have realized that you've dodged a bullet, so far any way.

You hang around and the next bullet is going straight through your heart.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Were these "they don't mean anything honey, honestly!" sex contact website accounts what caused her marriage to implode?

You need to do some checking up.

Sorry this has happened to you, again.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

chiksam said:


> And now I'm an a**hole because I got annoyed that she wasn't very available on my birthday :scratchhead:


You've been going out since Feb and she's already missed/avoided your first birthday together. What a massive priority you are in her life.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

What lessons did you learn the first time? Sometimes we update our pickers and pay attention to red flags.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Just for fun, she and her friends join dating sites and send messages to guys who want to have sex with them? Yet she is supposedly so busy that it's hard to fit you in?

A few words and phrases come to mind:


Unbelievable

Dysfunctional

Spare wheel

Cake

Orbiter

Not that into you

It's not you, it's me (I'm confused)

It's ok with her if you want to follow her around like a puppy dog, but if not, she's not going to go out of her way for you.

When romantic interests won't answer your questions, assume the worst.

Welcome to the world of dating. She took no vows with you. There are a lot of fish in the sea. The waters around her are kind of polluted.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Run and do not look back.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

There are a few relationships between crashed marriage and re-marriage. You probably just transferred all your love for your exW to her in a job lot. 
So you come along, your in the habit of looking after people, you find her sexy and funny. You do things you never did with your ExxW. It is wonderful. Before you know it you have mentally moved in, your buying furniture together and looking to the future. 
Problem though. You can't really see the future. With all that love and loyalty you also brought all your pain, all your fear and all your anger. 
She may be the greatest person alive but you will never know unless you let her be. Back off. Don't call her very often. She may just not be that into you anymore or she may actually just need some space. Sometimes space really is just space. 
And you? You need to read NMMNG. You need to assert your needs, wants and your desires. You need to look after you and work out what you want from life.

I am still with the person that I met 1 month after Dday. I still am amazed that happened because I was going on lunch "dates" to keep myself from feeling lonely with like minded women. Our relationship is very different to the one we stated two years ago.
It has been difficult and painful sometimes but also refreshing because we communicate. We are obsessive communicators and I think that is the key for me now. We see less of each other because we both have jobs, kids, ex partners [ugh] and life is very busy. We also are keeping a low profile because that makes it easier for us. No plans to move in. Small getaways, little "new family" camping trips. Something to remember, while you chose your GF and she chose you, the kids involved had no say in it and have no reason to like you at all. Look into a step parents support groups and see the disaster that can be! 

Step back and look at yourself. Really.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

That voice in your head,

5 sec 'til jump... Bail Out Now... Geronimo!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

chiksam said:


> Clearly, she is confused and unable to tell me what's going on in her head. But I'm not a mind reader...
> 
> I guess I just wanted some perspective from others...I've felt like crap this weekend because all of this has just opened many of the old painful wounds from my unfaithful ex wife :-(


You're qualified for membership in the club most of us have been in at one time or another called, "She Just Don't Dig Me Much" club. She's not confused and unable to tell you. You're just not not willing to listen. She's hoping if she keeps jerking your chain, you'll just fade away. When women say they need space, it means about a million miles from you.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

chiksam said:


> Thanks for your replies guys. Why TF can't I just leave this alone now?! I know, somewhere deep down in my gut, that what you're saying here is correct. And I guess I am choosing to ignore that on some level.


Then you are ignoring your gut at your own peril. Be it on your own head if you continue down this dead end road.



> ...but I tried by balls off to bond with her kids (which I did really well...and they are DIFFICULT kids)...to fit in with her life...to show her I cared (I took her to Prague for a holiday, took her and her kids away camping, drove an awful long way to be with her for her birthday, looked after her when she was sick, listened to her for hours and supported her as she coped with her divorce).


....and herein lies your problem. You are a nice guy. She has very little, (if any) respect for you.



> I feel like I need to hear from her that she wants me to f**k off...


She won't tell you this. She wants you around until some other guy with more alpha traits turns her on.

You dodged a bullet. Make sure she doesn't get another shot at you.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry for what you're going through but you really dodged a bullet. Although it probably doesn't seem like it now. You're not married and you don't have kids together. Personally when I read how fast your relationship was moving that was a big red flag right there. 

I can't speak for your reasons, but going by the description of your gf going hot and then cold within a matter of months, I suspect she's one of those individuals who loves the feeling of being in a new relationship but once things start to settle down and look like they're heading even more in that direction they quickly grow bored/detached and look for the next fix. 

If she's already talking to a bunch of different guys on a dating website and you have only been dating for 7 months, and I'm assuming exclusively, it's time to pull the plug. I think you got a bit too emotionally invested in an individual you obviously didn't know too well way too fast. Cut your losses and learn from it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She didn't just start putting her details on to cheating websites, she has done this for years. Maybe it's why she first marriage died?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Let me ask a question...

Do all of her kids have the same father?

Why are all of her kids difficult?

Does she really work 7 days a week? Is she a farmer? Who else works 7 days a week.

Brother, I am sorry you are here but if you were here before, then in the words of my inner city friends, 'You are acting stupitly!' You are being a doormat and clingy.

There's nothing to see here, move along, move along. If you've been here, why would you ever take the kind of crap that this person is giving you. Obviously she is not honest with you and disrespects you so why tolerate it?

Get some self respect here! Move on from her! I couldn't imagine going through the same stuff again!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The problem is this. When your in a relationship, there has to be some "give and take". There are times when you'll give 100% and get nothing in return and times when you give nothing and get 100% back.

From what I'm reading, your the one giving the 100%, then doing it again and again and getting very little if any back and I think she knows that if you are willing to give so much of yourself and settle for the few crumbs she throws at you then she's going to continue to do this and not worry about you going anywhere and she can do what she pleases. Your fault. 

My advice to you is keep the NC going and let her break out of her selfish shell and start giving back rather than just take. 

The business of her being on a dating site is something that I wouldn't put up with. I would tell her to have fun and take you chances with the guys on that site looking to get their hands warm but when it comes down to getting serious, how many guys are going to step up to the plate with a woman with three kids. 

Keep the NC going and go out and have fun. Maybe you can meet a good woman who isn't in to herself 100% of the time.


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## ace21 (Sep 25, 2012)

OP please listen to the people here and distance yourself from this women.

I have been in a very similar situation, 5 or 6 months after my divorce met a very nice lady, she had 2 young children, we got along really well etc, etc.


I took it fairly slow took me about 6 or 7 months of dating to really commit to her ( before that we would just go out 1 to 2 times/week and have fun, I would do nothing to help with her children, or her house or her life, it was just a fun relationship, and we got along great.)

As soon as we said we loved each other and I became serious/committed to her and we moved in together and I started helping her with her kids, house, etc ( I did a lot for this women and her children) then the problems began.

She became cold at times, emotionally distant, and quality/quantity of sex went down big time, etc etc
I treated her like a priority and she treated me like an option.

Your girlfriend has all the same qualities, story is very familiar.
These people have a massive sense of entitilement.
The more you give the more they will take.

Please do not waste anymore time with her.
She has gone on a dating site and is messaging other men !!!
That is so wrong on so many levels, thats enough to leave her for right there ( even if she was treating you well )

That is totally disrespectful, there is no excuse for it, she needs to be begging YOU to come back, and be remorseful and apolagetic for going on dating sites, not you convincing her to get off the dating site. That is totally backwards.

There is no fixing these type of dysfunctional people.
Please don't waste your time.
If she is unable to treat you with the same level of love/caring and respect that you give her then you HAVE to ditch her. She will not be fixed and will bring you misery.
DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMEN. 

It may hurt for a while but after 1-2 weeks you will feel a little better and after 1-2 months you will be relieved that you dodged a bullet and will wonder how you could have been so dumb to think you had a future with this woman.

You know what you need to do, you have been through a divorce this is nothing compared to that.


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