# not sure what to do



## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

I have been married 30 years. We have three grown children and a grandchild. My husband has over the years been through times of depression. When our children were small he had some kind of relationship, emotional only I think, with another women. We almost sperated at the time but we worked it out. I thought all this was in our past. Just recently I felt something was wrong. My H was talking calls all times of the day on the phone and staying at work late. He now comes to tell me he is not sure he loves me and he felt we have been more like best friend then lovers for a couple of years. Although he says this, it was not until he took up talking to this women (a business associate) that he started acting strange. I don't know what I should do. I have no one to consult with. The only person I used to talk to about trouble with my husband was my brother but he died of lung cancer last year. I am not sure I should burden by daughters
with this. I just don't know what to do, I really am in shock.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" talk. Statistically, there's a 90 percent chance your SO is having an affair when these words are said. Sad.

Ok. So, your mind is reeling. Your super anxious. Your imagination is going on overdrive. You want to think the best, but that sixth sense is just telling you something is wrong. Are you eating? Sleeping much? Most likely your not.

Well, the first thing you will need is some good proof. Can you get phone records? Looking for a number that is called frequently...but way more frequently that the others. Is he on the computer now more often than before. Perhaps he's emailing someone. Does he get jumpy, or close down windows on the computer when you get near? Is he texting on his cell a lot more than usual? Can you get access to his cell records? Do you have access to a gps to hide in the vehicle to see if he's actually at work late, or if he's lying? This is the part that sucks a lot, trying to find evidence when you are so suspicious. It may take a while...or maybe it's right in front of your nose.

Once you get some evidence, and you find out your fears are valid, then you can post for advise on what to do next...like exposure, the 180 program, plan A, and Zplan B. 

In the meantime, be strong. You need to take care of yourself while you search, because your imagination and nerves will be on edge with fear and worry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh yeah. Don't burden your daughters with this just yet. If u find proof, then you may also want to expose the affair to them. In the meantime, just wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I aggree, start gathering the evidence, any confrontation with out it will only lead to denial on his part.
Once you have some hard proof then you can start to fight this thing.
Stay strong and quitely investigate his behavior, he will make a mistake and it will give you the proof you need to confront him with out him telling you your crazy or that there just friends.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

We have been married 30 years so there is not much you can hide from eachother. I found him on his cell phone late at night, after I had gone to bed. I confronted him and told him whatever type of relationship was going on had to stop. He said it had not gone anywhere but he would not commit to stop talking to this person. I don't know who it is. I think it is one of his realestate agents, he is a broker. He says his feelings have nothing to do with this women, that he is just unhappy. Although we were happy before this.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. Well, the more you read on this site, you will realize this is all textbook behavior.

Ask him why he won't stop talking to this woman, see what he says.

The comment about his feelings having nothing to do with this woman are also textbook if this is n affair situation. He is minimizing his involvement to you. Most likely to dissuade your feelings of an affair, or just plain block the truth.

If he's in an affair, you can't trust anything he says. He will lie, blameshist, and minimize things. If you pry, he will sat things like....just give me my privacy already! Or, this wouldn't be a problem if you just stopped snooping/asking/confronting me about it. He will be in the FOG, where the PEA (love) hormones in his brain are making him addicted to his affair. These things are as addictive as heroin, btw. So, you can consider your SO to be a junkie. Junkies like thier heroin, and you want him to stop getting it. He will do whatever it takes to stop you from stopping him from getting it. Sneaking and lieing are the tools. Even threatening you....stuff like...if you don't stop snooping, I will leave and file for divorce. This kind of talk is common in disloyals. He will also start to rewrite entire portions of history of your marriage, in order for him to feel justified in his actions. Things like...I never really loved you....you treated me like crap our entire marriage...I wasted X years of my life with you. He will demonize you to his affair partner, too. Your SO will soon start to seem like the evil twin of your real SO. This is common. It's how junkies act.

However, I still recommend hard proof. Go snag his cell phone, for starters. Take a look through it for phone records and texting history. Or, does he have it glued to him like a third appendage, now....another affair sign.

Be strong. Wish you well in this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

A couple of things. 

No matter what, affair or not, your marriage is in crisis. He has expressed displeasure with your marriage and that needs attending to. Your opinion on the matter does not change his perspective. Embrace that.

Chances are that you were not happy before this.. not him at least. Never be concerned with what he says, be concerned with what he doesn't say. You know how people wait a long time before breaking bad news? well imagine the point he must have had to get to to tell you this. Chances are that his feeling have been present for a long time before he said anything.

If an affair is present, and it is likely that this is such a case, you will have to go through several internal steps before doing anything. You must achieve a strong state of mind so that any decision you make is from a point of strength and empowerment, and not from weakness. Weak minds make weak choices. Weak choices lead to actions that damage the situation. Take no action until you have made a decision on how you will handle his, and make no decision until you have take a moment to think logically about this situation. 

Exposure is when you reveal the information to loved ones, friends, even coworkers. There is much debate on the value of this. I am against it for several reasons, but i will not say much about it at this time... what I will tell you is that when you do Expose a mate, you place them in a situation where they much choose to Fight or to flee. There is a good degree of success with this, but not always. You are in fact offering a choice with exposure and the choice they make may not be the one you want. Just use caution with this.

Specifically what are you looking for? What is are you wanting to accomplish this second, right now? It is best to work on these things a step at a time, because the entire scope of an affair is to large to handle in one sitting.

TTL.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

twotimeloser said:


> A couple of things.
> 
> No matter what, affair or not, your marriage is in crisis. He has expressed displeasure with your marriage and that needs attending to. Your opinion on the matter does not change his perspective. Embrace that.
> 
> ...


Again....well said. I too didn't expose. I just didn't care. It was over in my head, so exposure served no gambling purpose. Ironically, she told everyone I was in an affair, which is the excuse she gave for us separating. Not sure why she did this...maybe to lessen the embarrassment to her...who knows...

But...that's for another thread and another day!

Yes, take your time on this. Be strong in mind. You do need to think clearly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice, I do think I will wait some before telling anyone. It would just be giving him an easy way out. We are a close family and everyone will be very angry with him. Let him tell them. 

I want to check his texts but haven’t been able to. He takes his cell phone with him everywhere. Even in the bathroom. That is why I started to get concerned. My H does have an addictive type of personality, he always has. I am sure he is getting some type of high from this. Oh now he has taken up fishing. He says it’s to get on his own to think. I don’t know what to believe. Sometimes I wonder why I just don’t give in and end it. It is making me sick and depressed.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You want to put a stop to this---you go after your H---hard

You don't need anymore evidence---your gut, and your H, cellphone antics, and his work antics, are enuff

You tell him what he is doing is inappropriate, is not what a married man does, and it WILL stop now---you tell him you want access to ALL his electronics, and you want it 24 hrs a day------he will argue as he already has, it is nothing, etc., etc.,---you tell him very icily, coldly, calmly---that it will stop or Divorce is on the table---as of NOW

He is a foolish man late in life taking a fling---if you let him get away with it---you have no one to blame but yourself---I PROMISE YOU HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A DIVORCED MAN AT THIS TIME OF HIS LIFE, ostracized by his family, and living alone-----just go after him, and do it HARD---but do it with complete calm, allow no discussions, arguments, he gets no say about anything----

Right now he is at Disneyland, you need to bring him back to reality

Going one-step further move him to another room in the house, put all his clothes, and sundries in there, and let him live there for a while---YOU DO NOT PATRONIZE HIM, and you are not to be lovey--dovey---also take all marital assets, and put them in an acct in your name only---when he asks why--you tell him you will NOT HAVE HIM SPENDING any of your money on the other woman---you can even go so far as to cut off the credit cards

This I promise you will wake him, from his fantasy---he REALLY does not wanna go into his golden years by himself---he will wake up---


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you have him followed on his next fishing trip.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

Listening and reading all the posts, I do think he is lying big time. I am very trusting so have to fight my urge to believe him. I did find out the name of the women today. He was in shock that I knew. He had just bought a smart phone (so he could talk easier to the OW?). I found his other phone, and one name came up over and over. I checked his FB and right around the time things started going bad, someone with the same name friended him. This was early February, right around then he was telling me he needed to work a lot and catch up on things. I was feeling very bad for him. 

I now know she is much younger than him and works at his office. I told him what I wanted was for him to stop the affair and for us to go to counseling, he reluctantly agreed but then went out for drive (to let her know I am sure that I know who she is)
I told him he is throwing away everything we worked for. It is the time in our lives we should be happy. We married young, so we are both in our early 50s. He keeps coming to me with this poor me, I am so confused and unhappy face. He has had bouts of depression so our marriage has not always been easy, other than that he was always a good husband and father.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

the guy said:


> I suggest you have him followed on his next fishing trip.


Oh I did today, he did tell me where he was going. He was alone but, surprize , he was on the phone, I walked up behind him (couldn't hear what he was saying) and he got off quick and was very nervous. This is a man who used to hate getting phone calls.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What you have is an old fart, who is having a hard time facing the future, in which (and this is no reflection on you)women will consider him a turn off--due to his age---he will no longer be able to go out and look, and think in his fondest dreams that he could score---younger women, for the most part don't want to bother with old men----this is what he is looking at for his future----SO---he is getting in a last fling, he has found someone besides you who is paying attention to him, and he is milking it for all its worth

Cut him off---stay hard as nails, and stay icy cold until he comes back to reality---I really don't think your mge is in jeoparady, per se---but if he is allowed to proceed with this and the emotions don't cool down, or if it goes physical---then nuclear winter sets in for your whole family

Find out what the marital status is of the OW---If she is married tell her spouse, and use him as your ally, in bringing this A. to daylight, and squelching it

Wake your H., up before he does ruin your mge, and your future

Make him go completely transparent----put a GPS, and a voice recorder in the car, be wary---do not let him go underground---but above all stay on top of the situation, until you get him to end this escapade he thinks he needs to have-----also no lovey-dovey for now----and try to cut down his reasons for being alone on his own


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I kind of aggree with jnj. Don't go down that whole "I'll do any thing " road. Instead make him believe your tougher then that and kick some sense into him. Give him the perseption that you are ready to move on and will take him forevery thing and you have no problem wuth divorce.
If he thinks your tougher then what you really feel You can gain a edge here. I hope your a good actress. Make him believe you will drop him like a hot patatoe (i can't spell).

If he sees weakness he will drag you along and in the end you will get fed up and leave any way.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

Well ,it looks like my marriage is really over. My H is not willing to give up this other women to go to counseling. His only concern is how unhappy he is, not what he is doing to me or how it will effect our family. I told him if he can't give up this relationship while we tried to work things out he should get out. He had already looked for an apartment, so I guess that is what he wants. Until this happened I did not understand that so many people were living with betrayals like this. I should have known when my youngest daughter told me once that I deserved better, maybe you choose not to see because you think you can fix someone.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

SO now, what steps will you be taking towards securing your future and you mental health?


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

Well, I changed my password on my bank account. I think maybe I should transfer some money into my name only. My husband has always been the one to do the spending, buying sports cars and such. I make a good living, so can take care of myself. My mental health is another thing. Not sure what to do about that.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

I think one of the worst things about this is going to be dealing with telling people. It is hard enough to deal with this on a personal level. We have been together so long, I was only 20 years old when we married. We are known as a couple, have a big family and still live close to our hometown. What do you say when people ask how he is doing? I like to tell them he is a son of a ***** and walked out on me, but probably won’t.


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

it really gets to me to see how people can allow lust to blind their eyes from what is more important after 30 years he is having doubts you guys need to get some counseling and find ways to make it work


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

HEY 30 YRS---FILE FOR D---LETS SEE HOW BUG AND BRAVE YOUR H, REALLY IS WHEN HE IS FACED WITH LOSING HALF OF EVERYTHING---and believe me the repercussions on him will be terrible---no one will take his side----

If you file he is now faced with conseauences, and now he has to seriously do something---I bet the yound chick gets tossed when he is faced with serious consequences

But then maybe you just might wanna D, and start a new life-----it can be done, and is done all the time


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You need to take note of every single asset you have. Find the hidden money, it is there, trust me. LOL

seriously though, do not start stashing away money until after you file. Otherwise you may come out of this dirty. take note of all the assets and then file.


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you all for the support. My H and I have had a few good talks and are going to go to MC. He said that he not going to have contact with her except for work, that they had not been physical. I think it was only a EA, but who knows. He no longer seems so remote and is acting more like himself, though still somewhat depressed. He also no longer goes off talking on the phone and leaves his phone out at night. He had been taking it everywere. We are not making any decisions right now, just going to take it as it goes. I don't know what I want yet.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If he still sees her a work---you still have a problem---she will not be out of his system, as long as he sees her everyday---and phone or no phone---you really have no idea what goes on tween them if they are working together


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