# Drunk husband's one night stand...



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Short story is my husband works away from home, got really drunk one night 5 weeks ago and slept with a woman from the bar. He was 2 sleeping pills and 6 beers deep before he even went to the bar for a pizza and the bartender kept serving him for free because he used to go there a lot with work buddies.

He knows nothing about her, there is no attachment. He is the sorriest man you've seen, but I'm having the worst time getting over it and past what happened. I don't drink, I don't understand how you can get so drunk you forget that you've been with someone for 9 years, that you have a family at home... This happened on our 5 1/2 yr wedding anniversary, and before he even did it he called me from his pocket on accident, and when I kept calling back after hearing him talking to a girl at 130 in the morning and he finally answered he was just making up lies and not even making sense.

I also have the problem that he doesn't want to have sex with me now either... he's started a new job at home so he's always home. He's on meds for poss. HIV exposure and blames them for a lot of things or detox, He's not drank since it happened and we're both doing counseling.

Please help, I don't understand. I feel so unwanted. How can he get drunk and have sex with a ***** from the bar, he said he couldn't even keep an erection or ejaculate. I have so many questions I want to ask, but our counselor is at the point where she said we shouldn't talk about it anymore. Like how hard did he try? Why did he do this? Why can he have drunk sex with her but not want to have sex with me... I don't understand please help me.


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## mamap1 (Apr 29, 2012)

I am not a good advice giver but I do know that if I was in your position I would be pissed. I would probally wait a week or 2 then tell my husband I am going out with some friends.. come home and tell him I cheatedd too ( even though you really didn't) Just see how he reacts.. it seems like he is making excuses and isn't interested in your relationship anymore.. and I don't care how drunk you are.. you can still tell a person to get off of you.. and i'm sure if he couldn't keep an erection he wouldn't have been able to have sex.. that's bs.. he is a guy and ofcourse he was probally horny as hell having a new woman on him.. he just doesn't want to admit it and get in trouble.. He should be punished for this and it shouldn't just be brushed off on the side no matter what your counseler says.. as a woman i take things into my own hands and deal with them however i can or whatever makes me truly feel better.. or else I will never get over it.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

First and foremost, I am sorry you are here, I understand how hard this is for you, and I want you to know that there are people out there (in this community too) who care about you, and want the best for you.



Riven said:


> Short story is my husband works away from home, got really drunk one night 5 weeks ago and slept with a woman from the bar. He was 2 sleeping pills and 6 beers deep before he even went to the bar for a pizza and the bartender kept serving him for free because he used to go there a lot with work buddies.


Infidelity, personality disorders, and substance abuse are like the mirepoix of cooking. They almost always occur in conjunction with one another. Two sleeping pills and 6 beers should be enough to keep anyone safely tucked in a room, and off the streets/out of bars.



Riven said:


> He knows nothing about her, there is no attachment. He is the sorriest man you've seen, but I'm having the worst time getting over it and past what happened. I don't drink, I don't understand how you can get so drunk you forget that you've been with someone for 9 years, that you have a family at home... This happened on our 5 1/2 yr wedding anniversary, and before he even did it he called me from his pocket on accident, and when I kept calling back after hearing him talking to a girl at 130 in the morning and he finally answered he was just making up lies and not even making sense.


So this is the second time this has occurred? or do you mean the night it happened was your anniversary? Depending on what class of drugs the sleeping pills fall under (ambien or xanax<xanax being more of an anti anxiety med>) any amount of alcohol can easily overwhelm the GABA receptors and turn a person into a functional zombie. There was a case where a man beat a rape charge because he was "unconsciously" raping a woman while on ambien and alcohol.



Riven said:


> I also have the problem that he doesn't want to have sex with me now either... he's started a new job at home so he's always home. He's on meds for poss. HIV exposure and blames them for a lot of things or detox, He's not drank since it happened and we're both doing counseling.


Did he test positive for HIV? Detoxing from anything kills the sex drive. Please get tested yourself and make sure you are using a condom for at least 6 months. Get retested every three months.



Riven said:


> Please help, I don't understand. I feel so unwanted. How can he get drunk and have sex with a ***** from the bar, he said he couldn't even keep an erection or ejaculate. I have so many questions I want to ask, but our counselor is at the point where she said we shouldn't talk about it anymore. Like how hard did he try? Why did he do this? Why can he have drunk sex with her but not want to have sex with me... I don't understand please help me.


What kind of counselor are you seeing? What was the reason that you could "not talk about it anymore" that seems very strange, and could be an indication that the counselor is a bad one and needs to be replaced.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

In addition to the physical issues and medication possibly tanking his sex drive, he very likely is worried about you and doesn't feel worthy to have sex with you.

It's possible he's been exposed to an STD. If he has sex with you before he's tested negatively, he could be exposing you to an STD. He probably doesn't want to do that.

And, if he's sufficiently disgusted with himself, he likely doesn't want you to let him off the hook by having sex with him. I know you feel like you need it, but he may feel the need to be punished.

Those are just a few thoughts to explain why he could be acting this way when he genuinely loves you and wants to work things out.

Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get a new counselor- that counselor wants you to rugweep

see the newbie link in my signature you will find many things helpful in there


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

To the first poster. Two wrongs don't make a right. He WANTS me to go have sex with someone else to relieve his guilt.

The counselor is a good counselor, she is ETHL certified, which can be hard to find where we are, and we are each doing single and couples counseling. Her theory on me not bringing it up repeatedly is that I just keep hurting myself with something that does not have a logical answer, which is what I keep looking for.

I am a nursing student and after the how could you do this to me and I can't talk to you right now, the next phone call started with you need to go the hospital right now and get tested and put on PEP's. The first test is to see if you have it, it was neg. Because I work in a hospital I've been tested for about everything under the sun and am clean. He had a 1 month test, but they don't have the results yet, they send them to you. Which is bs because I worked in the lab and I know this test takes an hour to complete, not 10 days. When we do have sex we use condoms.

He has expressed to me, honestly that he doesn't know how he did this to me. I never, never mistrusted my husband. I never in a million years thought he would do this. Do I think that he did it fully knowing what was going on including the implications of what was going to happen and how it would effect everyone, even him. No I truly do not. 

He will have sex with me basically because he doesn't want me to go get it somewhere else. Well that is not fulfilling. I want to feel desired and loved. Overall I've taken this entire thing exceptionally well, other than repeatedly replaying it in my mind, well my version of it. I just can't understand how he could do this and not think of me.

Oh, sorry, this is the first time, I assure you if it was the second I would not be here. We have been together for over 9 years, but this incident occurred on our 5 1/2 yr anniversary. Other than the ETHL and sleeping pills issues, he also has low self esteem issues, he always has. He agrees that he needs counseling for the ETHL and for other issues and is now glad he is getting, unlike in the past when I have suggested it. This is his "third strike". Once while drunk at work he flooded half of a floor of a 5 star hotel passing out in the shower, another time he got a DUI driving the wrong way on a one way, he did not even realize he was driving. Then this. He does not drink at home, or take sleeping pills. Only when he was working away from home, he would get stressed out and unable to sleep. We've had beer in the fridge for weeks at home without him touching it. 

I just feel so undesirable, and now he just started this new job at home ( same company and area just a different position ) and he's stressed about that on top of it, then he gets cranky and I feel like I'm not getting the support I need to make it through this, then with the whole sex thing... it's like the cherry on top. Sometimes he will satisfy me without us having sex together, hope that's not TMI, and I told him if he's uncomfortable having sex with me until he knows how the tests come back I understand, but when it's nothing at all... how is it supposed to make me feel, then all I can ask in my mind is how can you get drunk and have sex with a ***** from the bar, but not want to have sex with me? 

I don't understand any of it, and this is what I do. I explain to people how things work, why we do what we do, how our bodies do what they do... sometimes I wonder if this is going to work out at all...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ethl?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm another one whose husband did the same thing. He went out of town for work, got drunk and then cheated on me with the model they had used for the trip. I also never thought he'd do something like that to me. He used to talk badly of others that cheated. We had been married for eight years and had two small children at home.

Actually, my story has a gross twist to it. His coworker whom he was sharing a room with took the model back to the room, had sex with her, then she supposedly offered my husband a BJ. He says he did have an orgasm so how drunk he really was is questionable. I'll never know for sure what is truth or not. 

I did end up with HPV five years later that has since cleared. He claims it could only have come from the BJ, but given it was a BJ, five years between that night and my positive test, PLUS an inappropriate friendship with a coworker I've got some obvious doubts. 

Unfortunately, he kept the one night stand hidden from me for nine years. I just found out seven months ago and the fallout has been huge. Not only from the one night stand, but also from the years I spent with him being kept in the dark. It has twisted all my memories and made me question his friendship with his coworker even more.

I only found out about his one night stand because I finally threatened him with a polygraph. I thought the HPV came from his coworker and I couldn't take it anymore.

Both my MC and IC did the same thing to me. They both wanted me to rug sweep the entire thing. I really feel for you. It's a terrible feeling knowing your partner in life would risk everything for sex with a stranger. I know how you're feeling. He can't tell me why he did it, only that he was very drunk, made a poor choice and immediately after it happened he felt shame.

I actually have gotten worse as time has gone by. I went thru a shock phase, but reality has really been hitting me in the face. I can't accept what he did, but I feel trapped for the time we've been together, the kids and finances. We've now been together seventeen years. Hugs, I hope you can come to peace more easily than me.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Two sleeping pills and six beers? So how was he able to put the moves on another women in that physical state, much less even get it up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Riven said:


> I have so many questions I want to ask, but our counselor is at the point where she said we shouldn't talk about it anymore. (


Your counselor like most counselors is an idiot.

Get a new one.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Badlyhurt, I'm so sorry. At no fault of yours I'm wondering if I'm making the right choice...

ETHL = alcohol sorry, usually when I'm typing, it's a patient history and so I have to consider my words so that everyone can understand me.

2 sleeping pills and 6 beers is what he had BEFORE he went to the bar, that's not including what he had in the 3 1/2 hours he was there.

Our counselor is a good counselor, she is a caring counselor who cares about people, not the money. Proven by the fact she's fighting with our insurance right now to get things paid or she will wave the charges we've incurred. Her concern is that I'm breaking down at least once a day, sometimes 3-4 times a day over this thing I can't change, playing it over and over again in mind. I understand why she is putting this into place, but it doesn't help the pain.

Every question I ask is a double edged sword, my most current question on my mind is... how long did he try to have sex with this woman... if the answer is "not long" then it's to my advantage and I can feel better, if it's for " quite a while" then it's to my disadvantage... I would guess the answer is going to be "I don't know", there are a lot of things he doesn't know, which aren't pertinent. Like what he was wearing that day, what kind of beer he was drinking at the bar, etc. 

I'm just so frustrated with the sex issue, nothing can make a woman who's been cheated on, who actually WANTS to have sex with her husband, feel worse than feeling rejected by that same man. As if to say, yea I'll have sex with a ***** from the bar while I'm drunk, but I don't want to with you... It literally leaves me in tears.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I read some of the links provided THANK YOU!!! They are awesome, I'm printing some of it off for my husband.

During what started as an argument today about well us having sex, turning into a new revelation in the saga. I talked about how so many people don't even know how he was walking let alone anything else, and about some of the questions going through my mind daily. And I found out today that he does not remember actually having sex with this woman... He said he remembers he couldn't get an erection, then he remembers waking up and freaking out. I'm not saying I'm letting him off the hook, but this makes me feel so relieved, because I was under the understanding that he remembered actually having sex with this woman and everything else that went with it... I wish I had known this for the last 5 weeks. Again I am not saying what happened was okay, I'm not saying that what he did is forgiven, I'm saying that some of my nightmares can go away now... and I feel like at least for right now... my burden has been significantly lightened. Still there... but lightened.


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## SeanW (May 4, 2012)

Riven, sometimes happens that a man can't have sex with the woman he loves. There are several reasons for it, but one may be "He's on meds for poss. HIV exposure...".

I am a man and I can tell you that when things don't work down there (usually it's a "heavy mind" problem, rather than organic illness), the best cure is some time to settle it and, I know it sounds inappropriate and I'm sorry for this, a caring partner. Take it with a grain of salt, because being a man doesn't make me omniscient...


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Thanks Sean, that does help.

We had talk about it and I told him that I need more of an answer than "I don't want to" so I can know it's not me. Whether it's I just have a lot of stress right now, I think it's these meds, or I don't feel like I deserve you/it. So I think that helped. Last night was the last night for his meds! YEA!


I printed off the info from the link on Understanding your Betrayed Spouse and he read some of it before bed, and is going to finish it today. He said it was so hard to read because it was exactly me. If anyone has a spouse who wants to work it out, I highly recommend doing this! He said he felt bad that I had to give it to him, that he couldn't go out and find it himself, but it took me weeks to find this forum, and I'm the computer a lot more than him. 

Then last night I did something I'd never asked him to do. I don't know why, I guess I didn't have it together enough. But after he told me that he didn't remember actually having sex with her, I wondered what he DID remember. So last night I asked him kindly if he would please tell me what he did remember. He said that as the time goes on it seems like he remembers less and less, I said that's okay, I understand. So he told me what he did remember. And I will tell you, what he told me was nothing, NOTHING compared to what had been playing in my mind for the last 5 weeks. There was none of the stuff that I thought was there, so many of my questions were answered in that short time. During the story I had a couple additional questions, he answered them. Then I told him what I had been imagining for the last five weeks happening, before I got started on mine I was shaking and by the time I got to the middle I'd have to pause to breath I was shaking so badly he actually put his leg over mine because I couldn't stop. My story about brought I'm to tears, he understood why I've been so tormented with that in my mind. In my story he was an active player in the whole thing. In his story he was trying to go to bed and this other woman was trying to get him to do stuff with her, he didn't remember kissing her or touching her, he told me what she looked like, he told me he woke up after falling asleep for a couple hours still thoroughly drunk to someone else snoring very loudly and him thinking... where the hell am I? Niki doesn't snore... and reaching out and feeling this other person. What is most important to me... is he remembers laying down with his underwear on... and waking up with them on. There is more, but you guys don't need the whole story to get my point. I don't think that if you're that drunk, that you're going to get up and put your drawers back on... It doesn't justify or make right anything that did happen. But it does give me some peace of mind. He was sure to make sure I understood there are things he probably doesn't remember, and he can't guarantee what did or didn't happen that he can't recall. 

I wish I had asked for his side of the story, the entire story, not just parts, a weeks ago. He had heard my side, but I had never asked for his side, the entire story, just for the parts and questions that had popped up into my mind at the times. 

I know that we have a long, long road ahead of us yet. With all of the books I've bought, the research papers I've read trying to understand, the hours and hours I've poured into trying to understand, I wish that I had found this forum weeks ago.


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