# Recently separated but not by choice



## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm new to this. My husband decided to leave me and our 7 month old baby girl about 1.5 months ago. He also told me he was not in love with me anymore. We have been married for 4.5 years and will be together total for 9.5 years.

Him leaving was not a complete shock. Our marriage has been really rocky for the past 1.5 years. And, I actually wanted to leave him about 3 months ago because of the same problems but did not have the heart to do it because of our baby. But needless to say, I am devastated that he decided to leave us. I cry almost everyday and this is all I think about all day long. 

I have never begged him to come back. I've only asked him if he'd be willing to work on our marriage. He said he did not want to do that right now, that he needed his space, is confused, and he needed to do some soul searching. He did agree to go to marriage counseling in May (only because I get some free sessions through my employer). But he said he could not make any promises about getting back together again and he reminded me he was not in love with me anymore. This was really tough to hear. I love him, but not sure if I'm completely madly in love with him either like I once was. I know deep down we both love each other but our feelings have been clouded because of all the fighting that has been going on up until he left. 

If there are husbands out there that can give me some insight on what my husband may be thinking at this time, I would really really appreciate it.

I do hope that there will be a reconciliation down the road for us. I know our problems are fixable (no infedility issues, just resentment, anger, fighting issues). I put myself through therapy and have been going for about a month now. He also refused to go to one of my sessions although my therapist really wanted to talk to him about what exactly made him want to leave me. 

We are in contact but only because of him wanting to see our baby. Other than that, there is no contact between us. Although at the beggining I was texting him and calling him alot. But that only lasted for about 2 weeks until I realized it was getting me no where. He is also very open to speaking with certain of my family members who have also been in a similar situation in their marriage.

Any husbands out there with some insight on what he may be thinking?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm so sorry, but your husband most likely has a girlfriend. Do the 180 and file for divorce. Maybe that will wake him up. Please don't be his Plan B.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

There is someone else in the picture. I would move to using 180 as an approach to him. It will help you detach and might actually get him to see what he is walking away from. I would also look into your phone records. See who he has been talking to. I am really sorry you are going through this. Its hard to deal with but if he is cheating this might be the best thing. Its so hard to get away from a cheater. Find out what you can and then make your decisions based on what you find. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thought (as a guy who left my marriage) is that he wants to experience the "single life" that he's been missing and/or dreamed of. How old are the two of you?

My second thought is that you mention things have been rocky before, but you don't give specifics. More details would help. 

My final thoughts... Separation without a plan is just one step closer to divorce. I'd start to protect myself, if I was you. Start gathering information on your rights and responsibilities, so you have a realistic idea of what your future would look like, no matter which way things go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Umm, I don't even know what 180 means? I have no clue. 

I don't think he's got a g/f or someone else. Infidelity has never really been a part of our past. He's not that type of guy. He's always been commited to me. Our issues were more like, lack of respect for each other, him liking to drink and get drunk alot, him wanting to go out with some men in my family and drink with them. I just wanted him to be home with me and the baby after she was born. I have also disrespected him a great deal but I was only reacting to his actions mentioned above. 

I am 38 and he is 34.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are his drinking patterns the same as before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And whose idea was it to have a child?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

His drinking patterns are the same as before we got married. Actually, they became a little better after marriage because he would not go out as much anymore. 

We both wanted to have a baby and we were both happy when we found out I was expecting. The baby did bring us a lot more added stress to the marriage. Something I was not expecting though or was naive to think a newborn would not be hard work.


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Ok Ive been pretty vocal today on TAM.

This isnt to hurt your feelings, and this is only my expereince.

My Husband of almost 9 years was a heavy drinker from the day we met. I was 19 he was 19.. and he was spriraling out of control hanging out drinking acting like he was single.. meanwhile im at home playing house and taking care of everything he was neglecting.. at any rate Hun... all those nights out drinking... years later when he decided to sober up. ( he was a functioning drunk) kept a job and all that, showed up to crap when it was nessecary. But at the end of the day he did cheat on me... i didnt know about it until after he got sober and went to rehab and made amends for it. I forgave him...

My husband walked out on our life together after getting sober for almost 3 years.. didnt have the decency to tell me there was someone else...I find out from my 3 year old son.. it wasnt untill i checked his phone records that i was flooored! I confronted him and then he admitted he had been having an affair for almost 2 years!

Not saying this is what your husband is doing. I came on TAM and i was adamant that there was nobody else.. i was shocked that the people here would even insinuate that is what my husband was doing! 
But the truth will start rolling out. I hope that this isnt the case for you i truly do.

This is going to hurt like hell, and you will wish he was dead a 100 times before you start to feel remotely ok. Its not the end of the world. Someone will post a link to what the 180 is. and No contact as much as you can with your husband.

If he left and there isnt another woman, in either case it doesnt matter.

Focus on that baby of yours and yourself. Your husband is willing to go to MC maybe you will get some answers there.

I will tell you my husband went to counseling and failed to mention he was already deep into an affair... and i sat there looking like a crazy person! 

Be prepared because you are going to need your strength


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Read Michelle Weiner-Davis' "Divorce Busting"

Here is the to do list for the 180.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Do it, it works!


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

If I were you I would look into codependency issues. Maybe talk about it with your therapist. People need time alone. Not saying his drinking all the time is ok, but he shouldn't have to "just" be home with you and the baby. Nor should you stay at home with the baby all the time.
This is coming from experience. My H and I have been separated for just over a month. We have a five year old and a four month old. He left me for the same "I love you,but I'm not in love with you" reason. I have codependency issues from childhood and previous relationships. I lived my life around him and the kids. I never did anything for myself or by myself. I think this helped bring about my current situation. He has some severe issues too but mine didn't help, either.
I agree with everyone that says to do the 180.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Thank you all so much for your comments. Now I know what a 180 is. Never heard of it before.

I have an update. We met up last night because he wanted to see our baby. He definetly is very open to attending marriage counseling. :lol: It's a good start. He also wants me to bring our baby to his home so he could spend time with her there and said he has no problem with me coming over and being there as well. He also promised he would start counseling for himself which I think is great because he needs to work on his own issues. 

When we said goodbye, he gave me a hug and gave me a sweet kiss on the lips (totally unexpected but pleasantly surpised). I still did not beg him to come home nor did I say I loved him or missed him. Which I do but I didn't want to hear silence on the other end. So I just said good night.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

If he's open to MC and IC, that is a good sign, but he needs to actually do the work. It's also good that he wants to see the baby and spend time with her. But stick with the 180. Be consistent.

Why were you fighting so often? Your husband sounds like he may have some maturity issues, especially if he was drinking excessively on a regular basis.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Good for you girl.

Honest but firm. Make sure you communicate your boundaries to him. Business only.

Continue to be true to your 180, for your sake. Whatever your future ends up being, be ready to enjoy it.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Vixen1980 (Mar 2, 2014)

Oh hun I am so sorry I am in a similar position but without children. It has been 8 weeks now and it is still incredibly painful but the days start to get a little but clearer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you are happy and self confident, you will be more attractive to yourself. Your husband may discover that you are worth loving but don't depend on him. He has stated the state of his heart. There is no love for you. You cannot change that easily.

Are you friends of Facebook? Do you spend time looking at his posts?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

A man walks away from his relationship for two reasons: he's interested in someone else, or his wife is making him miserable.

Is he sleeping/seeing someone else? Are you driving him nuts with your words/actions?

The fact that he hasn't cut contact, initiated divorce, and is open to MC and IC is a good sign.

Proceed with caution. Own your 50% POS behaviors and make him own his. Learn how to deal with them.

The biggest thing will be guarding against resentment. It hardens hearts and makes people unforgiving and selfish.

Good luck.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Thank you all so much for reading my post and commenting on it. I've had very dark days followed by brighter days followed by dark days again. But, I was informed by my brother in law that he spoke with my H yesterday and that it sounded like he wants to work things out between us. My brother in law just told me to give him some space for now but that my H told him he did not want to get a divorce but that he did not want to go back to the marriage with the way things were. So by this, I know that I will have to work really hard and change the bad behavior and bad habits that I know caused him to leave in the first place. But he must also change because he was not perfect either. 

My H realizes that what he did was not the right way to go about it but said he had no other choice because he was so unhappy that he just needed to get away from the situation and tension we constantly had. 

BTW, I've left him pretty much alone and have not texted him, called him, or emailed him about anything. I only respond to his texts re: the baby. I still have not begged him to come home nor have I told him that I've missed him or love him.

He did tell my brother in law that he was angry that I discuss our marital problems with my family and that he wishes that I would not do that anymore. Also, my H told him that once we work things out, we would have to move out of my parents home (which we were renting together) and get a place of our own  (they give us a break on the rent darn it). 

Well, that is all the updates I have for now. Will post when I know more...


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I agree with your husband, you need to get out of your parents home.


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Quick thought. My heart goes out to you. 
My wife left me. I had similar thoughts about leaving her in the past, but put them behind me and devoted myself to her. She left me and all I could do was be sad and wonder why. I finally picked myself up and said it doesn't matter. And it doesn't. The first step is to accept.
I was broken. I still am, but getting better daily. We were married 3 years and together for 9. I am 31 she is 28.
I hope this helps. Reading it back I sound like an ass. Someone here told me to forget about my soon to be ex and that's what I had to do to start healing. 
I hope you can work things out, but don't let the fear of change get in the way of improving your life.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I have a quick update. My H spoke with my mom/dad to let them know why he left. He expressed we had an unhealthy relationship and he felt that leaving was the only way the madness would stop (which it has). He also expressed to my mom that he felt that if we were to work things out, we would have to leave a rental home that my parents own. My mom said no problem, how about if I sell it to you? Then he responded, that would be different then. He expressed once again that he was going to make an appt to see an IC and that we were going to MC in a few weeks...when he left that evening, he gave me a sweet kiss.

I was putting the baby in the car last week and he happened to stop by to drop off some money for me (totally unexpected). He saw the baby for a quick second (he was working) then when he left, he leaned in to give me another sweet kiss. Boy, did I feel like telling him how much I missed that and how much I missed him...but I held back. IT's been 2 months now since he left and I have completely left him alone and I have given him his space. I am doing much better although I think about my situation every day...morning, noon and night. I also pray that this will all pass and we'll be able to be together again someday...

One quick thought, everytime I see him he seems very interested in what I am doing and he asks me just that. I try not to give him too much info but just enough to keep him interested (not like I'm out partying it up with a 7 month old anyways). He called me this morning asking me if he could come over tonight and see the baby and I said yes. It was a pleasant conversation and he was very nice to me and I could feel that he was smiling on the other end (I just know him too well). As long as we don't take any steps backwards, I think it is going ok. The one thing that really bugged me though, was that I met with his mom and she told me that we needed to take this time apart to forget about everything that we have done to each other and bury it somewhere and start fresh in the future. She said this should take a few months, at least 6 months  Ugg! Now I know why he has it in his mind that a separation needs to be at least 6 months (that's what he had shared with me a few weeks ago and he values what his mom says and does what she says too). Plus, he did say that us getting back together again should feel natural and not feel pressured. I agree. 

So that's my update in a nutshell. Gosh, I miss him so much. Oh, and I have found 2 marriage friendly therapists who I will see this week and chose one of them to help us out when we do go to MC. There is a webiste called Experienced, Pro-Commitment Marriage Counseling that can give you names of therapists in your state that are pro-marriage and not pro-divorce. Hope this can help someone out there...hope it helps us!


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Like other people say around here, I think my H "fog" is lifting. We met last night (he came over to see the baby). He seemed very happy and was very talkative. I've asked him if he had made any progress with sorting out his feelings re: our marriage. He said yes and that he'd been thinking a lot about it. He said he starts IC this Saturday and is looking forward to that because he has a lot of things he wants to change about himself (lying was one of the things we fought about a lot. He would lie about silly things). Then he said he was also looking forward to going to MC together. And I reminded him that I have been going to IC for almost 2 months now. I was very upbeat and happy because that's how the vibe was between us. I don't think I have felt this way in a LONG time. :smthumbup:

I told him I was going to take the baby for a flu shot this Friday and he asked me why don't I swing by his job so his co-workers can see our baby. I said sure, his work is close by the docs office. He also told me he wanted me to come over to his place and that he wanted for us to take the baby to the zoo this weekend. I said "is this a date?", and he said, yeah it is and we could start dating each other:scratchhead: I said ok that sounds like a good start. 

I asked him if he still felt no love for me and he said he knew there is love in him for me but that's it's just burried because all of the stuff that we've done to each other and he wants to get that back. He said that when we work things out, we should try and not to bring up the past and just leave things in the past. I agreed and said that I don't even wanna talk about or ever bring up the separation in the future. He agreed. 

In just 2 months, my H dameanor and attitude has changed significantly. I cannot believe it. I do have to say that besides this conversation, I have not pursued him, I've given him his space, I've not called him/texted (unless I respond to him re: our baby) nor begged/pleaded/cried to him to come back home...EVER. It seems like he really is wanting to work things out with me. I even was brave enough to ask him if things work out, should I move in with him and he said well we could talk about that later on after we both go to MC. :iagree:


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Well things are looking up with us. Met tonight and he wants to see our priest for counseling this Friday. We made plans to attend Palm Sunday this weekend then go to lunch. We talked some more about us and he said he wants us to work things out not only for our baby but for us as a couple. 

When he was leaving our baby reached her hand out to him and he looked at her and said that broke his heart. It broke mine too but I played it off like it didn't bother me. Darn it was sad. That's all I have for tonight. Good night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I had a crush on a male that was friends with my H's brother a while back. Even before we got married. That male is my friend on FB. I just recently told him about my situation with my H (he has been divorced for many years). I also shared with him that I once had a huge crush on him. He said he was honored and flattered that I would even feel or think like that of him. He said to me that if I ever needed to talk to someone, he was a great listener and to call him whenever I wanted. 

Would it be bad if I did take him up on his offer? :scratchhead: Right now, I am really mad at my H for putting me in the situation that I am in. And frankly, I am dissapointed that he chose to spend Easter at a ball game instead of with our baby. 

I don't cry anymore. I still do miss my H and love him and things are coming along, but I don't know why right now I feel the need to have a man's attention on me?? I guess I miss that from my H...


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> I had a crush on a male that was friends with my H's brother a while back. Even before we got married. That male is my friend on FB. I just recently told him about my situation with my H (he has been divorced for many years). I also shared with him that I once had a huge crush on him. He said he was honored and flattered that I would even feel or think like that of him. He said to me that if I ever needed to talk to someone, he was a great listener and to call him whenever I wanted.
> 
> Would it be bad if I did take him up on his offer? :scratchhead: Right now, I am really mad at my H for putting me in the situation that I am in. And frankly, I am dissapointed that he chose to spend Easter at a ball game instead of with our baby.
> 
> I don't cry anymore. I still do miss my H and love him and things are coming along, but I don't know why right now I feel the need to have a man's attention on me?? I guess I miss that from my H...


NO, NO dont do it.. Don't contact the male friend, your H will find out and it all might just come crashing down again...ITS NOT WORTH IT if you want to save your M......


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> I had a crush on a male that was friends with my H's brother a while back. Even before we got married. That male is my friend on FB. I just recently told him about my situation with my H (he has been divorced for many years). I also shared with him that I once had a huge crush on him. He said he was honored and flattered that I would even feel or think like that of him. He said to me that if I ever needed to talk to someone, he was a great listener and to call him whenever I wanted.
> 
> Would it be bad if I did take him up on his offer? :scratchhead: Right now, I am really mad at my H for putting me in the situation that I am in. And frankly, I am dissapointed that he chose to spend Easter at a ball game instead of with our baby.
> 
> I don't cry anymore. I still do miss my H and love him and things are coming along, but I don't know why right now I feel the need to have a man's attention on me?? I guess I miss that from my H...


Sure, he'd love to "talk" with you. 

A shoulder to cry on becomes a d*ck to ride on.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. Half a chance his girlfriend looks a bit chancy and is plan b-ing you.

Sorry call em as i see em.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> NO, NO dont do it.. Don't contact the male friend, your H will find out and it all might just come crashing down again...ITS NOT WORTH IT if you want to save your M......


Thank you Sammy for your reply. You are right. My H will probably find out and will get very upset. Especially because my H already thought this guy was a douche bag. I will take your advice! 

I want to respond to more of the replies within this post but don't know how. I'm just barely getting the hang of this...I'll do it one by one for now....


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> Sure, he'd love to "talk" with you.
> 
> A shoulder to cry on becomes a d*ck to ride on.


LOL!! Though at this point I probably couldn't do that...:rofl:

I could not bare the thought of being intimate with another man. Thank you so much for your response!


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> OP. Half a chance his girlfriend looks a bit chancy and is plan b-ing you.
> 
> Sorry call em as i see em.


Thank you for your response, I won't go there. I'm already most likely my H's plan B


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> OP. Half a chance his girlfriend looks a bit chancy and is plan b-ing you.
> 
> Sorry call em as i see em.


Yes, you are right. Thanks for your response!


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

OK, so we had a family day yesterday. Went to church, went to lunch and shopped a little for our baby. He got called in to work so we had to end the day sooner than I expected. 

I asked him if he was missing me (I know, but I couldn't resist) and he hesitated to answer but said that now that we were seeing each other a bit more, that he was. I told him I missed him even though I don't say it or text him that. He answered with how good I was looking and that I had lost a lot of weight ( I wasn't heavy before but just got more skinnier because of the stress the separation has caused me). I said thanks he looked good too but that he didn't smell too good. He changed his cologne that to me smells like an old man! :scratchhead: And he responded, well get used to it! 

We were supposed to have a "date night" already but he never asked me out  I was waiting for that since our priest suggested we start dating again so who knows what's on his mind. We do start MC in 2 weeks. So we'll see how that goes...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Honest call.

You are wasting your time. He is giving you enough hope to keep you plan b.

You deserve better than a cheat.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Boy how circumstances can change...

Been going to IC for 4 months now and it's helped me tremendously to move on and focus on myself and my little one. Super happy that I've made it through some very dark days. I am living by myself with my baby and loving it! No cleaning up after my H, no worrying about cooking for H but...I do still miss him greatly. 

I've been following the 180 (best advice ever!), going to MC with H, and still going to IC. MC is going as I had hoped for but now I'm the one who is not sure about getting back together :scratchhead: I'm just so afraid that H will leave me again if things go south. I just don't know what to do at this point. H made it very clear in MC that he is not seeing nor does he plan on seeing/dating anyone during our separation. H also made it very clear that he wants to save and work on our marriage and he still loved me very much but has been resentful towards me for some time, but that those feelings are going away. 

H is the one who is pursuing me at this time. He texts me sweet messages and calls me at work and on my cell. I'm still following the 180 because it sure has helped me "move on". And I think now that he sees that I am quite able to move on, live without him, work full time and take care of myself and the baby and be happy, he is definitely having a change of heart very quickly. 

We'll see how this story ends...


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Good for you...Your story seems to be following the path where the ones who eventually come out of their fog often find the person that they abandoned are no longer waiting. You deserve better...we all do.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> Boy how circumstances can change...
> 
> Been going to IC for 4 months now and it's helped me tremendously to move on and focus on myself and my little one. Super happy that I've made it through some very dark days. I am living by myself with my baby and loving it! No cleaning up after my H, no worrying about cooking for H but...I do still miss him greatly.
> 
> ...


Hello "FeelingStrongAndEmpowered",

I am smiling from ear to ear that you survived and have found some happiness. 

I hope others read your story and see the possible outcome. I was floored when my WAW came back to me and at that point I did not want to R. From the low points I was at, it was shockingly eye-opening.

Best of luck and keep focusing on your happiness,
Stretch


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Stretch said:


> Hello "FeelingStrongAndEmpowered",
> 
> I am smiling from ear to ear that you survived and have found some happiness.
> 
> ...


Stretch! Thank you for reading my story and for those most encouraging words! I am feeling STRONG and EMPOWERED if I do say so myself  

Isn't it weird how they may come back one day? But by then, there are so many doubts, so many hurt feelings by the one who was left behind that it's difficult to trust  

I really do hope I am able to help anyone out there with my experience! Just take it one day at a time and life will get better, I promise! Speaking from a gal who has ALWAYS been in a relationship for the past 20 years with someone or the other lol  

FeelingSTRONG&EMPOWERED (good one STRETCH, thank you for that!)


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I hate to say it but I don't understand guys that don't stick around at least when the kid is young and the wife/girlfriend would have a hard time being self-supporting.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Things have been going farely well since I last posted. He's been coming around a lot more frequently. Calls me almost every single morning to say hi or tell me to have a nice day. He'll call me or text me with silly or really un-important things/questions. 

About 2 weeks ago, H invited me to have dinner with him. Throughout the dinner, he sat right next to me (which he had not been doing for quite some time anymore) and was being really lovey dovey with me. I found it a bit odd but didn't turn him down and reciprocated with the same. After dinner, we went to my home and I was getting the baby ready for bed (he was sitting on our/my bed now) looking at me. I was happy changing a diaper when he suddenlty started BALLING. I said, oh my, is everything ok? He said that looking at me changing her reminded him of our life together before he took off. He couldn't speak for a while then he said he wanted to apologize for leaving me and the baby. For leaving me and doing it over the phone. For leaving me to care of our child all by myself. For treating me the way he had been treating me right before he left (with no respect, no love). 

I didn't say a word. I just let him speak. He said he didn't know what else to do besides leave because I was making him so miserable. He said he wasn't and has never been happy at his apartment. Knowing that our daughter and I were somewhere else and not with him. He went on and asked me to please forgive him. 

After staying silent for some time, I said yes that I would forgive him. I told him I didn't want to be bitter or angry at him for putting me through what I've been through since January. He hugged me and kissed me and cried some more. I didn't cry. I just told him it has been really tough to take care of the baby myself but that I was in a good place now and that I was actually getting used to being alone with my child. I told him that I would never ask him to come back (I don't know why I just can't do that, I guess pride which may not be good?) but that I would really like for us to continue going to MC as we are and we'll see where or how this ends up...


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

It's been a while since I've posted to TAM. It's coming up on 7 months for the separation. I can't believe it. He still isn't home yet. We are still attending MC every other week (that's all we can afford). Although things are going good, since I don't see this wrapping up anytime soon, I think it's time for me to file for child support. H gives me very little money and I have our baby approx. 95% of the time. I'm sure he won't be happy about this put it's something I feel the need to do. I will let him know tonight. He is coming over to help watch her while I finish projects for my LO's birthday party this weekend. She turned 1! H left when she was 5 1/2 months. 

I am just so happy and content being without H now. I've gotten really used to taking care of my home all by myself. Sometimes I'm not really sure if I want to get back together again or proceed with a D? He definetely wants to continue and work on our marriage and said it would not be fair for our LO to grow up in a broken home. I'm thinking, well, you're the one who left? Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say hi!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is great that you stop in and post periodically because is shows that you are a goal orientated person. You set up a TAM thread and you have stuck with it. The narrative is all about the relationship of two persons who started a family late in life.

Do you regret not marrying one of your other boyfriends?

Do you both feel like you settled for a person who was not comparable to those who you thought you deserved?

Both you and your husband are hanging on. How can he live without sex? How can you live without security?

How did you meet by the way?

Why is your husband so weak? If he wants to work on your marriage, why isn't he at home where he belongs?

Are you beginning to see yourself as an overdue library book that the borrower won't read but also refuses to return?

Do your in-laws want to see the baby? Do you let them?


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> It is great that you stop in and post periodically because is shows that you are a goal orientated person. You set up a TAM thread and you have stuck with it. The narrative is all about the relationship of two persons who started a family late in life.
> 
> Do you regret not marrying one of your other boyfriends?
> 
> ...


Longwalk - all very good questions! And I will answer each one. I always thought I would marry much younger and start a family much younger but I guess nobody else felt I was special enough to marry. So when I met the H (at a bar of all places), I didn't think much of it nor did I ever think I would end up marrying him. We dated for 5 years, and this past June was our 5th yr wedding anniversary (which we did not celebrate). 

YES, I do REGRET not marrying another b/f I had when I was much much younger. That b/f wanted to marry me but I felt I was too young at the time (I was 21). Till this day, I regret letting him go. Our timing was just not there. He's my friend on FB, he's married now, no kids. But that is it. We don't ever seek each other out for anything other than "likes" on photos/videos. I have to tell you, I've been tempted but I have much respect for his wife even though I don't know her. 

I do at times feel like I settled for H. I'm not sure if he feels the same way about me? But all I kept thinking of was he was the only person who actually proposed to me and that made me feel really special. And at the time, I WAS in love with him. 

I have no idea what he is doing for sex. At all. We have not talked about that with each other nor with our therapist yet. It's not that I don't care about that, I just have so much on my plate with my LO that it's not a priority for me to worry about what he's doing about that LOL. As for my security, I don't have any and that is scary and kind of sad actually. But I try not to think about it too much. 

I don't think he's coming home soon because he uses the excuse that he has a lease and has a security deposit on his apartment till January 2014. He's not all that bright. If I were in his shoes, I would try to sub-lease the darn place and go back home. But that's just me. But honestly, I think secretly he enjoys his own space even though he's said he misses us. I just get that feeling. 

You nailed it with the "overdue library book"  He makes me feel like that and I don't understand it? Well, maybe I do. He's a cheapskate and probably thinks that getting a divorce and child support would reak havoc on his financial situation and therefore he chooses to say he "wants to work on our marriage". I think he truly does want to work on it, but I also feel that he's done the math if he goes in the other direction and it's just not going to financially benefit him. But honestly, I don't know how much longer I can be on his "shelf". 

My MIL does see and seek out my baby. My FIL not so much. In laws are divorced and I've only seen the FIL a hand full of times since we married. H is close to his mom but not really with his dad. I would never not allow the two to see my LO. That would be just mean and I'm not that type of person. Even though H and I are not together, I try to maintain a nice and civil relationship with his mom and his dad once I do see him. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my thread Longwalk! I hope I answered all your questions and trust me, I will continue to post regardless of the outcome in this separation. Have a great evening!!!


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Oops I meant January 2015.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I think your husband is operating on a fantasy time table. I would file for divorce. There are do it yourself papers to save money. Your husband has a lot of time on his hands:

-computer gaming
-porn
-gambling
-cheating
-substance abuse, you alcohol

Those are likely outlets for his life energies. Indirectly he sucking the sap from your tree.

You can present the divorce papers in MC.

If he says he doesn't want a divorce, say you can always cancel it before it becomes final. You need to see action:

What is he doing with his life?


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## dirio-girl (Aug 25, 2014)

Hi "FeelingStrongAndEmpowered" 
I read your thread and you became the woman I'm aiming to be. Really.
My H left me with our 6 month old girl, just as you. Our stories are very very similar, EXCEPT my H cheated on me. He left to explore this affair, which took only 3 weeks for him to realize that the grass wasnt greener and begged to come back. But a few days later, left again, to explore a little more. He kept saying that wanted to try other women and I should do the same. Loved me but not in love anymore. We could become different (and better) as individuals and then maybe try to get back someday. Maybe he thinks that with a little baby and heartbroken it would be impossible for me to date someone. Maybe he said that only to pretend it would be equal conditions for both of us: he wants to date so can I.

Despite this difference (substantial, though), I see my story as a literal copy of yours, just time shifted. So 2 things took my attention in your story and I'm trying to figure them out in mine:

1) The long time apart, which H doesn't seem to bother. Mine says "what are 2 months compared to 15 years?" I thought maybe our separation wasn't last so long, but seeing your story, I'll prepare myself better.

2) As time passed, you don't seem to suffer so much as suffered in the beginning. 2 months separated and I still cry, I still want to die. Maybe one day I'll be like you are today.
I can't imagine going through my baby birthday party still separated. Cant imagine Christmas separated. It hurts so much.

Well, I wish you and your daughter the best. She has a great example of woman in her life. I hope I can be the same for my little girl too. 

Sorry for my bad english. Not my mother tongue. Still learning.

My thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...ant-reconcile-little-baby-help-me-please.html


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

dirio-girl said:


> Hi "FeelingStrongAndEmpowered"
> I read your thread and you became the woman I'm aiming to be. Really.
> My H left me with our 6 month old girl, just as you. Our stories are very very similar, EXCEPT my H cheated on me. He left to explore this affair, which took only 3 weeks for him to realize that the grass wasnt greener and begged to come back. But a few days later, left again, to explore a little more. He kept saying that wanted to try other women and I should do the same. Loved me but not in love anymore. We could become different (and better) as individuals and then maybe try to get back someday. Maybe he thinks that with a little baby and heartbroken it would be impossible for me to date someone. Maybe he said that only to pretend it would be equal conditions for both of us: he wants to date so can I.
> 
> ...


Hi dirio-girl! And thank you so much for reading my thread. Listen, you are going to be just FINE, I promise you that. YES, I know it has been hard and you probably still cry. 2 months is still fairly new to be going through this. For sure I cried more than 2 months. I am sorry to hear that it was because of OW that your H left. That can make things a bit more complicated. 

Do you really think you are ready to date other people though? Maybe just taking it all in for now would be better for you. I don't think your heart will be in it anyways but it's totally up to you. 

It has been very hard to go through things "seperated". Valentine's day, Easter, 4th of July, my birthday, baby's birthday, his birthday....I can go on and on. But just put on a brave face and celebrate whatever is coming up! That's what I did. I just thought, I want to celebrate this with my baby and that's all I need right now  So don't think too far ahead (even though I know it's hard) but just make the best of it. 

I've learned to just accept my situation and move forward for me and my child. Therapy has also helped me a great deal. Have you started IC at all? It may help you to cope with things right now. 

I just am glad that I am helping someone out there realize that there will be brighter days. Even if you don't feel it or believe it right now. I am living proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will eventually reach it. 

Hang in there girl, just hang in there. You never know what life will bring you. Just focus on taking care of your little baby for now, look at your baby, and let that be the strength that will get you through this. 

Good luck to you and please let me know how you do ok? PM me anytime! And BTW, your English is perfect 

Feelingstrongandempowered


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

H has asked to come home. It just happened last night. But I am so happy right now living with my baby that I'm not sure if I want him back? 

He gave me all these reasons but not one reason was that he loved me  He said he missed his family, he said he was lonely, he said he doesn't enjoy his own apartment...but never that he still loved me. I just don't know at this point.


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## TheSecretGarden14 (Feb 7, 2014)

Have you read Amplexor' s reconciliation post? It is the sticky one at the top of of the reconciliation board. His is a great story. When they first started R, his wife was not in love with him. He stuck it out, they worked really hard on their marriage and themselves. It took, I believe, around two years for his wife to finally say she loved him, again. His path to R is not for everybody and it took a lot of strength, patience, and love. It took determination on both their parts. 
If he is willing to do all the things a WS is expected to do, you are willing to do your part as BS, you both are determined to make it work and are both aware of how hard you will have to work, then go with your heart, but don't let him make you a doormat.
Find out just how committed he is and make sure it's because he wants to make the marriage to work. I personally wouldn't accept R if his only reasons were he didn't like his apartment and he was lonely. Missing his family is a good reason, but if you are going to do R, he needs to start opening up and give you a more detailed reason of what motivates him to R. Good luck!


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I think you should tell him what you told us. You are happy now and not sure you want him back. He doesn't get to just waltz back in because he has the sadz.

You and your daughter deserve better than that. You deserve someone who doesn't just desert you two when the going gets tough. All these months he has been gone, you took up the slack, doesn't sound like he was really co-parenting with you, just doing some drive by visits (correct me if I am wrong on this). Was he there when she was sick, teething, cranky? Was he fully supporting her financially unasked? Doesn't sound like it.

And now, he has the sadz. If he wants you back he needs to prove himself to you. Prove he can be the husband you need, and proving he loves you. It is very very telling that wasn't the first thing thing out of his mouth. And his actions these last long months have proved it too, don't you think? If he had wanted to be home earlier he would have been. The shine has worn off his "single hood", but for how long?

I wish you all the best, and you deserve to be happy. Be selfish now and and take a good long hard look at what that looks like, is he truly your happiness or is he the best that's out there right now? Don't rush into anything, he certainly hasn't.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Wow, I'm really impressed by your strength. I think you did the right thing showing you don't need him to be happy. It shouldn't be too easy for him to come back. Then he'll realize your worth. My situation is similar, except he left me with our new puppy. That little guy keeps me busy and smiling though. I don't feel so alone. It's been 4 months, staying strong. Hope things work out the way you want them to, whatever that may be.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

NWCooper said:


> I think you should tell him what you told us. You are happy now and not sure you want him back. He doesn't get to just waltz back in because he has the sadz.
> 
> You and your daughter deserve better than that. You deserve someone who doesn't just desert you two when the going gets tough. All these months he has been gone, you took up the slack, doesn't sound like he was really co-parenting with you, just doing some drive by visits (correct me if I am wrong on this). Was he there when she was sick, teething, cranky? Was he fully supporting her financially unasked? Doesn't sound like it.
> 
> ...


NWCooper - thank you for reading my story! I have lots and lots to think about. But let me just tell you that reading your response was like YOU were reading my mind all these months. H hasn't been a co-parent, he only pulled drive bys like you said. You're 1000% correct on everything!! 

Just thinking about what you wrote makes me so UPSET. To think he wasn't there when we really needed him...Grrrrr

I know we deserve more than this, but I also know that my baby girl needs her father. I'm just so lost and confused right now. I won't make any major decisions right now but I will take my sweet time thinking about what I'm going to do. I really appreciate your input in my situation and appreciate the time you took for your response. 

I'll be back when I know what I'm going to do.....:scratchhead:

PS I did tell him I was happy right now and doing just fine without him. He looked at me in shock. And I said, "you made me a much stronger person. Stronger than I ever knew". He just looked at me with big ole eyes LOL


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your baby girl can still have her father without you taking back a dirtbag that's proven he cares about himself and nobody else. Just sayin'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Yes, your baby does need her father and he needs to grow up and be one. He probably can do it too, if he wants too. And just maybe he will want to, but he is going to have to do the work. 

I don't think you should give up on him yet, but I also don't think you should let him move back yet either. Keep up the marriage counseling and he should probably go or continue with his individual counseling. Sometimes when people are forced to look good and hard at themselves they learn and grow, and if he wants you bad enough and wants to be a good father he WILL do the work. If not, You yourself haven't really lost anything, you already lost it all those onths ago when he left, and you came back stronger for it all. Your baby will lose out, but if he is not going to step up and grow up she has already lost out. You can't fix that only he can.

You sound like a wonderful mom, she will be fine. In a perfect world two parents are ideal, but this isn't and never will be a perfect world. I hope your husband grows up and loves his little girl's mom like she deserves. He will be the big loser in the end if he doesn't. I really hope through counseling he will learn this. I also love what you told him, and his surprise...this might be his first wake up call (with any luck)


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Hope you all are having a good Holiday Season! And Merry Christmas!

Just wanted to stop by and check in. Sooooooo, he's moving back in at the end of the month. H's lease is up next month but he is very wanting to come home before then. All he talks about is how he wants us to be together again and how he really wants our marriage to work this time around. He feels bad for what he's put me through but that pretty much this whole year, he's realized how important our baby and I are in his life and he doesn't want to live without us. He seems very optomistic about our future.

I am too, but still very scared this might happen again in the future. I have no guarantees this won't. It's a chance I'll have to take. It's scary but I'm going forward with it. 

We're still attending MC and it seems to be going very well. It's really helping us. We actually look very forward to going and getting everything out there during our session. 

We've even been intimate a few times (it's been a while) and it felt nice to have him next to me. We are still very physically attracted to each other. 

I'm doing great though. Supporting myself and my baby is an awesome feeling! Work is great! Family life is great (well extended family I mean)! Although things are really good overall right now, I do want this year to be over so we can start a new year on a better note. Thank you all for reading this and Merry Christmas and Happy Everything!!!


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I'm not happy. I don't know what it is. I got used to living life on my own. Free, with no worries of what's for dinner? Are we gonna have sex tonight? You're hurting my feelings. You've changed. Don't you wanna be a family again? Sigh....................

I thought I'd be a lot happier than I feel. I mean, we were separated for close to one year! One year! I'm so annoyed. I honestly don't know if getting back together was the best thing at this point in my life. Did I do it for my baby? I'm not madly in love with him. I love him. But not madly in love. What did I do? I'm so confused right now?

If I tell him to leave, my baby is still young enough not to know he's supposed to be there. Why why why am I having these feelings.....:scratchhead:


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> I'm not happy. I don't know what it is. I got used to living life on my own. Free, with no worries of what's for dinner? Are we gonna have sex tonight? You're hurting my feelings. You've changed. Don't you wanna be a family again? Sigh....................
> 
> I thought I'd be a lot happier than I feel. I mean, we were separated for close to one year! One year! I'm so annoyed. I honestly don't know if getting back together was the best thing at this point in my life. Did I do it for my baby? I'm not madly in love with him. I love him. But not madly in love. What did I do? I'm so confused right now?
> 
> If I tell him to leave, my baby is still young enough not to know he's supposed to be there. Why why why am I having these feelings.....:scratchhead:


I take it he is back now? And it is not much better than before? 
Are you still doing the counseling? 
Maybe you were happier than you thought, on your own. But it is tough, having to decide about what you feel is best for your baby. 
Is he being difficult or are you just not feeling toward him what you think you should feel?
Whatever you decide...at least you have had a year on your own and managed well, so you know you can do it again.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think you were doing fine, and your finding contentment in your life. He comes back into the picture and brings chaos in his wake. He guilts you into giving him another chance, after you started moving on with your life. You made a lot of progress, and he has guilted you into doing what he wants.

Afterall, he is the one who abandoned you, and now he has placed the pressure onto you. You feel as if you owe your son both parents, but the thing is, you only need to offer stability. So recap. He abandons you. Life is not what he thought so he decided to come back. Except, there is still a lot of issues. You worked hard to get to where you are now. You manage on your own without him. With him wanting a second chance, if you feel like if things do not work out, the guilt is yours for breaking up this relationship. I am also betting that he is still bringing his bullsh1t along with him.


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## dazenconfused (Jan 27, 2015)

Feelingsadnlonely said:


> I'm not happy. I don't know what it is. I got used to living life on my own. Free, with no worries of what's for dinner? Are we gonna have sex tonight? You're hurting my feelings. You've changed. Don't you wanna be a family again? Sigh....................
> 
> I thought I'd be a lot happier than I feel. I mean, we were separated for close to one year! One year! I'm so annoyed. I honestly don't know if getting back together was the best thing at this point in my life. Did I do it for my baby? I'm not madly in love with him. I love him. But not madly in love. What did I do? I'm so confused right now?
> 
> If I tell him to leave, my baby is still young enough not to know he's supposed to be there. Why why why am I having these feelings.....:scratchhead:


It sounds like a rollercoaster. 
I haven't been through it, but I would think all those feelings are normal. It was hard with him leaving. And him physically coming back means you and him need to face some of the issues head on. And really work through them.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Hi there! Ok, so since January I am feeling much different now. I see a BIG change in him. He is really really trying to make this work. My feelings for him are slowly coming around. I guess it was normal for me to feel some hesitation after he came back. But now, I feel like we are a family again. I never thought this would happen to me. I imagined my story would have ended in a divorce, but surprisingly, it didn't. 

I just wanted to say thank you all for your comments during the most difficult time in my life. Although I don't know you all personally, I felt this forum to be extremely helpful along the way. I came here when I knew I could not talk to family or friends. 

Hope you all had a Happy Easter! We sure did!


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## hopetoreturn (Apr 8, 2015)

I just read your entire post. Great for you. To go through your journey in a few pages gives me hope. There are a lot of stories on here of divorce. I just made my first post tonight and am beginning my journey. Just started my 180 2 days ago and my W was asking me tonight what is wrong? I hope to be in your shoes someday. Congratulations!!:toast:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Wow, great job.

Hope you are communicating so that you can keep the momentum


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Just wanted to stop by and let everyone know things are going so well for us! And to say Hi! 

Still attending couples therapy and is going excellent! My LO is almost 2 years old! And now, we will be celebrating her birthday soon. Marriage is different, in a good way. I'm very happy with how things have turned out. 

It's a lot of work, don't get me wrong. But I don't regret taking H back after he left me. We both grew, in different ways, during our separation. 

Thank you again everyone for your words, whether I wanted to hear them or not! Have a great evening ya'll!!! :x


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FSandL this is good news, all things are possible.


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

Just checking in. :x Things going really well with my H. Yes, we do still argue and bicker, but it's a little different now. We get over things more quickly than before. We sometimes laugh about the silliness of our arguments and realize "let us not sweat the small stuff". I see him happier, I'm happier and my LO has gotten much much closer to her daddy. He adores her. In a way I wish last year would have never happened. But in a way, because of the separation, we both are in a better place today. 

Yes, we are still attending MC. I feel it has helped tremendously. 

Well, hope you all are enjoying the FALL season (although not really feeling the FALL here in Cali :frown2, it's been too warm. Take care everyone!


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