# Divorce or separation? Complicated



## Navyspouse (Apr 26, 2013)

hello

I'm a 38 yr Navy male going through a separation and possible divorce.

I been married for nearly 7 years. this is my first marriage, and i have no kids. This is her second marriage and she has no kids.

We were happy for nearly 3-4 years. I am a physician, and started my residency approximately 3 years ago. For those who are not familiar with residency, its hell. Endless hours in the hospital, working hard, studying, stress, lack of sleep. I graduate in 2 months.

I always been a quiet closed off person. With my wife not so, i thought she was my best friend. but she would have preferred I was more open. This wasn't necessarily a problem before I started my residency. we were stationed on a beautiful pacific location for 3 years prior to residency and life was great. we traveled a lot, and had lots of fun...so flaws in communication and our marriage weren't necessarily glaring then due to the good times. 

now it is hell. I struggled during residency. i was never the smartest physician, so I had to work extra hard. that meant lots of studying. I also became depressed. I took less care of myself, looked like a slob, gained 10-15 pounds etc...
I also been cold to my wife, I "checked out" as she puts it. Perhaps residency, and depression had to do with it.
I figured that once we get through the residency training we could get out of here and rekindle our marriage. I even submitted a request to go back to that island where we were happy....so I figured it would work out right?

Not necessarily. I found out last month she was having an affair with a married man. I found out by hacking in her computer, I felt something wasn't right. In her laptop I found pictures, and daily emails.

In her emails i see how much she loved this other guy who seduced her. he "satisfied" her physically and emotionally. he won't necessarily leave his wife for her yet, but they were talking about it. Ugly details for me, it hurt me really bad. Seeing the pictures, the details (they were intimate during our marriage day while I was working trauma in the hospital).
I confronted her and she was numb. She didn't want to leave me yet, says she made a mistake.
but she says she loves me, but wasn't in love with me. I realized that she felt numb with me, doesn't have feelings for me. I demanded that she cut the other guy off and tried to confront him but she wouldn't offer his name and details. They did see each other a few times after i found out and confronted her but states that they weren't intimate

I still love her, and I admit I was a crappy husband and was depressed.
I went to see a therapist and my priest. I feel better, and realized that I had comunication issues, and had some baseline anxiety issues. I am working on those now.

She is seeing her own therapist. Says she has a LOT of resentment for me...saying that "I wasted 3 years of her life". 
she still has feelings for the other guy. When I found out about the affair I bugged her phone. I listened to her speak to her friends about how she was waiting for me and the other woman to move on, so she can be with her lover.

So the complicated part is this. I graduate from my residency in 2 months and have orders to go to a beautiful island in the pacific (same place where we had our memories).
She is adamant she doesn't want to come. She says let me stay here for 6 months and "I need to time to work on myself"

I asked her doesn't she want to work and save our marriage? She says yes, but she needs to work on herself first. 
She has a lot of hatred and resentment for me on how I treated her the last couple years. I am sorry for that, but i went through hell.

So she wants me to go in July, and she will wait here till december and think about it. And if she can work on herself, she will come back and be with me. she wants to sign a 6 month lease. She has a stable job here and good friends and doesn't want to lose that as well. She is putting herself in front of the marriage. Plus the other guy is here... He knows I'm watching him like a hawk, and that If i leave he will move in again.

so what do I ?

I'm young, good looking "maybe single" physician. Part of me wants to go and just forget her and meet new people. Have adventures and travel. we talked about divorce, and she states that she wouldn't want anything other than some of the furniture. That she doesn't care about the house or car etc...
we have cats, and can have them.

Could I be happier with someone else, part of me says yes. i love my wife, but the hurt she did to me was horrific. I dont know if I can trust her again....

Do I confront the other guy and his wife. She is oblivious to this. Part of me wants to do this for revenge.

Do I let her wait for 6 months in the mainland while I'm at guam?

decisions decisions....i guess the good thing in this crisis is that i snapped. I lost the weight, became sharp with work, going to a beautiful island with potential to make money. 

but i love her....


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose to the omw whether or not you divorce because it is the right thing to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she stays behind, she will most likley end your marriage.

Your best bet is to do whatever you can to end her affair. If the other man (OM) has not already left his wife for yours, he's not going to leave his wife. 

So find out who he is. Have someone follow her. Did you get his email address or any other info about him? Find out who he is and tell his wife about the affair. He will be so busy trying to save his own marriage that he will dump your wife like a hot potato.
Where did she meet this guy? If at work? If so tell her that if she does not quit work you are calling HR to let them know that the affair is going on. Then they will both most likely be fired.

Before you do anything, get the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. The book will talk about how to pull off the above and other things. It’s a quick read. You’re a smart guy so you can most likely read it in one evening.

I’m a bit confused. You say that residency has been so hard. And you make it seem like before that life was pretty easy. Weren’t you in medical school before residency? I was married to a guy who went through medical school and residency. The last two years of medical school were about as bad as residency. He worked long hours through both.

Medical school and residency should do more to help doctors keep their marriages together. The divorce rate out of residency is extremely high. Like you, my ex treated me horribly through medical school. In the end he felt sorry for himself and wanted a divorce. But it boils down to the same thing… without spending 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing things you both enjoy, the love and passion will die. The good thing is that the love and passion can be rebuilt if you want to and if she is willing to work on it too.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She's staying behind so that she can stay with her OM. She cheated and feels some shame for that, so she'll string you along, giving you some hope, and then, once you have the distance, she can say that divorce is the next logical step. It won't be because of her infidelity. It will be because you drifted so far apart.

Why not divorce and find a happy life for yourself? You've already spent the last three years emotionally apart from her. She didn't stick with you when you were working so hard and depressed. Why would being separated by an ocean help her figure out to stay by your side the way a spouse is supposed to?

I would file for divorce and blow up the OM's marriage by exposing to the OMW. She very definitely has a right to know.


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## Navyspouse (Apr 26, 2013)

So as a Navy physician, its a little different.

we go to med school do a year internship, and then go do a general medical officer tour. In some cases, like mine, it was a 9-5 job in some exotic place.


So a big question for me is....do I confront the other man and his wife. I found out his name, but to make a long story short he is a foreign national so there is limited data. I would have to hire a private investigator to track him down. I don't have the time for this with my residency exams and graduation coming up.
I would really like to let his wife know, but part of it is revenge. I would like to see him suffer but I hate to see her suffer. then again, shouldn't she know?
I hate to have her feel what I am feeling right now.
I asked numerous people (my priest, my friend, and my father) and they say no. That let them work it out.

the other man has been threatened by me and he is not actively trying to talk to my wife the last month. 
but I know when I leave, he will try to move in.

thank god I don't have any children, and my wife wants to leave with basically nothing. 
Infidelity has to play a role in legal proceedings, right? I have ample proof. I guess every state is different.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

For me it is a matter of principle that you inform the other BS. Yes, it can exact revenge and can drive a wedge between the two bad actors, but fundamentally this person deserves to know. So many of the people who start threads here talk about the humiliation and anger they felt about being in the dark. This adds to the hurt from the betrayal. It is rare for a BS to say, 'I'd rather not know.' Usually those are people in very long-term marriages who are talking about a hypothetical A long in the past.

I know you don't have time and you should concentrate on your work, but when you do have time, I think you should inform this poor woman that her marriage is not what she thinks it is. Shouldn't she have all of the pertinent information about the most important aspects of her life? Shouldn't she be allowed to make informed decisions about her own life?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm not sure where you are located but in very few U.S. states does infidelity "count" in divorce any longer. 

The moment you are gone she and the other man will resume their affair.

It doesn't sound as if there is anything left to save.

ETA: Some wives don't want to know, or have it confirmed, that their husbands are cheating but you don't know which she is. I realize you have a lot to deal with at the moment. You don't have to make that decision this second.


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## Navyspouse (Apr 26, 2013)

That's what I thought. 
I'm just surprised by the overwhelming number of people telling me to leave them and move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Navyspouse said:


> That's what I thought.
> I'm just surprised by the overwhelming number of people telling me to leave them and move on.


You're young with no children. Advice changes sometimes with children involved.

She apparently doesn't want to give him up. And it's her decision.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Navyspouse said:


> That's what I thought.
> I'm just surprised by the overwhelming number of people telling me to leave them and move on.


Blow the affair out of the water and see what happens.

Give the evidence to posOMW immediately.

"I need time to work on myself" means, "I'm anxious to spread my legs for posOM and see if I can convince him this time"

Crush the affair - asap


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

No kids.
Find someone who'll appreciate
your hard work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Navyspouse (Apr 26, 2013)

well....

The other thing is this.

I found out the other guy is Italian military.

that is a court martial in the US military. Not sure how that works with foreign military.

Per what my wife said, he wants to leave his wife but is "not ready". If I destroy his relationship, it just kinda expedites him leaving for her.....which honestly at this point, doesn't matter anyway. Every second, every minute has me moving further away.
I need time to heal, this is painful...probably the most painful thing I have experienced my life. But I am confident i will survive, and now i can focus on myself (which I neglected) during my medical career, build myself financially, and perhaps find someone who appreciates me and my work.

My in laws are hysterical. they cannot believe that their daughter has done this, and are frantically calling her to come back to me. She refuses.

At this point, I dont think I would take her back. How can you recover from this? You can't. I kinda consider this as a blessing...maybe something better out there for me.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You can and will recover. 
It just takes a little time.
Focus on career.
Hit the gym.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Expose them


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Navyspouse said:


> I found out the other guy is Italian military.
> 
> that is a court martial in the US military. Not sure how that works with foreign military.


I doubt it. In the UK military it wouldn't be a court martial offence but it would be frowned upon (and affect chances of promotion, etc.) particularly for an officer and particularly if stationed abroad and it upset relations with the host country's military. 



Navyspouse said:


> At this point, I dont think I would take her back. How can you recover from this? You can't. I kinda consider this as a blessing...maybe something better out there for me.


My view on this (and I have a cheating wife who is divorcing me so I am right in the middle of it) is that I would like to have the option. I would like her to end the affair, to want to reconcile, and then for it to be up to me whether or not the marriage continues. I prefer that outcome to simply being dumped and having no choice in the matter. I don't know whether I would or could forgive her, and I don't think that there is any way to tell until I was actually in that situation. But I would like to be in that situation to find out and to be able to make that decision myself. 

If I were in your shoes I would expose the affair to his wife (and since it's the military perhaps also to someone appropriate in his chain of command), step back and see what happens. As others have said he is then likely to drop your wife like a hot brick. She'll hate you for a while, and after that.....who knows. Her true feelings towards you will eventually come out. Perhaps she'll leave you anyway or perhaps she'll want to stay with you. That will give you a bit of time to decide how you feel about her.

The one thing I wouldn't do is to confront the OM again. Expose the affair but leave him alone. He's not worth the trouble you could get into (especially as you are in the military) and the one you should be angry with anyway is her, not him. She's the one who has betrayed you. Let his wife (and possibly his CO) deal with him. This is probably a dream posting for him, and if he is seen to have disgraced his uniform he could be reposted very quickly. OTOH, the Italians may take a much more lenient view of adultery than the US military.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lots of people recover from affairs. They do not have to end a marriage. The marriage can even be better after when both spouses come to realize how important their marriage is.

How is she supposed to recover from the way you mistreated her for years? 

You both work on it. Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley if you want to try to save your marriage.

Getting through the last 2 months of your residency is paramount. Put that first. It’s something you have worked for, for years. 
Ignore the drama for now. Tell your wife that either she end all contact with the OM or you are getting a divorce as soon as residency is over. 
Then concentrate on getting done with your residency.

While you are working on your residency your wife will do one of two things. 1) end the affair and get ready to move with you or 2) start putting the pressure on the OM to leave his wife. He’s not going to leave his wife. 

If she starts putting more pressure on him to leave his wife, he will have to dump your wife. I doubt he will leave his wife. Men having affairs always lie to their affair partner and tell them that they are going to leave their wife. After all he has to do it to make her feel special enough.

If she does not end the affair, and you are stationed outside the USA, tell your commander. You might be able to get the command to end her home ASAP. Her having an affair with a foreign officer could be viewed very harshly by the US Command. If you are on a NATO base this is even more likely. 

As soon as you are done with your residency, inform the OM’s wife about the affair. (Again do not talk to the OM. He could say all kinds of things about you threatening him that would harm your military career.)
When you have to move, move. If your wife follows you then she does. If she does not then you know that the marriage is over. 

She has 2 months to make your marriage a priority.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm a Navy dude too. Not much you can do about the Italian national. I went to school with bunch of these Italian officers. It's an entirely different culture. Most are married and most have girlfriends. Your wife is one of many girlfriends for these guys. Infidelity isn't quite infidelity in some cultures. She's going to get clowned. You've exposed the affair. Parents always align with their kids. Plan on that with your wife's parents too. It is my guess she is going to end up alone after this guys dumps his temporary duty girlfriend (her). Clowned. 

Finish your residency exams. Go back to Guam or HI, or wherever. Dude, you're a young Navy O with a bright future and a boundless career. The going got rough and she stepped out on you. Do you want to re-engage with a cheat? She's screwed some Italian guy and is blaming you. Trust me, I completely understand the kick in the junk you just got. 

Do not look backwards. Do not let this screw your career. Keep your chin up and don't let this get ugly or bring this crap to work. Drop me a line if you want to chat.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ignore the drama for now. Tell your wife that either she end all contact with the OM or you are getting a divorce as soon as residency is over.
> Then concentrate on getting done with your residency.
> 
> While you are working on your residency your wife will do one of two things. 1) end the affair and get ready to move with you or 2) start putting the pressure on the OM to leave his wife. He’s not going to leave his wife.
> ...


Elegirl, I just want to clarify something with you about your advice (because I think I didn't understand exactly what you meant the first time I read it and it is very important to be clear on this).

I hope that what you are suggesting is that he should tell her to cut all contact with OM *right now*, and that if she does not do this immediately then it's over. It's just the initiation of the divorce proceeding that are delayed for 2 months, not the decision. 

I hope that you are not suggesting that he effectively give her 2 months to decide between him and OM. That would be toxic, because that would make him a willing Plan B. It will play out exactly as you suggest with OM - if he is her first choice then she will pressure him to leave his wife and he will dump her. If she then goes back to Navyspouse after that, it is only because her Plan A has fallen apart. They will both then know that he was her second choice and that she only ended up with him by default. They will have to live with that knowledge, and that is no basis for a healthy marriage.

If Navyspouse is to have a healthy relationship with this woman going forward (if that is what he chooses) then she has to make an active choice to be with him. She cannot simply end up with him by default because all other options have disappeared. For one thing, if they both see him as the "compromise option" then she will always be looking around for something better and another affair is almost guaranteed in the future. He has to be Plan A or nothing.


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## Navyspouse (Apr 26, 2013)

I agree, I can't live with being a "plan B". I deserve more than that.

So I filed for divorce. I signed the paperwork, and my wife did too. She says she has feelings for him, and needs to get her head straight. She says she lost herself and needs to be alone.
I am not like whatever at this point. 
We signed the separation agreement, and she doesn't want anything. I offered her a plan but she declined. I think part of its guilt...maybe pride. Either way, it can't be modified after signed unless both parties consent. 

I leave for the pacific in 45 days or so...and I can't wait. I'm thinking about taking a 2 week vacation somewhere...been doing some research on places to go after a divorce. Places that popped up, brazil, thailand, europe.....not sure, part of me wants to rebuild and learn how to be single again and meet new people and just have fun.

Its been tough for me the past month, I have suffered tremendously but I feel like its ending. I been seeing a therapist who has been a great help, and has allowed me to heel and more importantly I rediscovered myself and to learn to love myself. I don't want to feel hatred/revenge, but part of me doesn't want to leave without a parting shot.

This brings up the OM's wife. I don't want to harm her, make her feel what I felt  But part of me does want to tell her how much a creep her husband is. Part of me wants to see him suffer...and part of me wouldn't mind her confronting my wife and giving her a very deserved earful at her workplace ( I though about giving her her phone/workplace info).
I also have the emails/pictures.

But then again part of me wants to move on, forgive and just leave it all. I don't want to look back 3-4 years and say damn I shouldnt have said anything,,,,it always seems that revenge gets nothing but causes pain...but then again this deserves to be addressed and the OM should experience some of the hell I did.

Don't know what to do in that respect. I've spoken to maybe 5-6 people and they are split.

what do you think?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

It is your moral obligation to tell his wife. You aren't hurting her.
She deserves to know. It is the right thing to do. This isn't revenge. This is an innocent person who deserves the truth.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are not hurting the OM wife by disclosure, you are giving her the tools she may need to live an honest life. Maybe she will hit the OM with a 2x4 and they survive the A, maybe she dumps him. Either way it is her choice. But only if she has the proper information.

Exposure will also prevent the two of them from covering their actions with lies.
Think how you would feel if others knew of your STBXW's A and kept quiet.
I'm sorry you are here.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Do you know the facts about your stbxw 1st divorce. Not what she told you - but the truth. Just wondering if this is a pattern with her.

Also, IMO the wife of the OM should be informed so that she can make her own decision about her scum bucket husband.

Also wonder if OM is stringing your stbxw along and is just telling her he will leave his wife - but he isn't ready. Frankly my guess would be your stbxw is not his first rodeo.

I would definitely expose.


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