# What is she doing?



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Wife and I have been separated for almost 12 weeks after 15 years of marriage-wife left and staying with mother 5 minutes away. Both agree-Main cause for separation was constant arguing like brother and sister because we never set proper boundaries. I am just as much as fault as my wife. I have been working on myself for the past 3 months and my wife has said that "you are doing all the right things" and "you have done a 180 on the things I need you to and I know its from the heart now." At 8 weeks we started going out as a family and we had a lunch date together. We were saying I love you in emails, on phone and in person. Then, suddently, she pulls back emotionally and says not sure if wants be married to me; wont say if she wants a divorce when i asked her. Started minimum contact except as related to daughter- she became angry and was lashing out at the smallest things during this time (2 weeks). All along, wife now says that she cannot come home "yet" or can't come home "now" because she is afraid things will revert back to where they were after a few weeks. She says nobody can change in 2-3 months! Yesterday, I had to return a brief email to her and then she started emailing me about things she did not have to- telling me what the balance is on bank accounts etc -as if she is downstairs in our house and nothing is wrong! And that's the weird part here, she has all her personal items at house, never moved anything our except clothes she uses at mom's (fraction of wardrobe), has me fixing up things in house she thinks we need to do, we refinanced she she left, she discusses painting and iother issues for the house as if she is still there! WSjhe even comes by every day and grabs mail, bills (does out payables etc and pets dog. It's as if we are married and nothing has changed except she is living with her mother at age 43, having everything done for her, and wont discuss our marriage or where it is going. However, Wife will not discuss what is happening with her psychiatrist, only says that she is soul searching and trying to find herself and needs time. basically, each time I pursue her and we start getting closer she shuts down; then, I have to do no contact and she appears to want me to chase her again. She is worried all the time what i am doing during this time, who I am with, who I am out with, whether other women are in the picture. My heart is just hurting so much and I can't understand what in the world is going on. is she leading me on? Is she truly confused? She will not go to counseling now- says we are working on eacgh other with counseling and has highlighted the Mindfulness Stress Reduction Class she recently took (and I am now taking for 8 weeks) as being very important to our relationship! She has hinted at counseling after we both completed this program- at least she did 6 weeks ago. I want to ask her to go out to dinner together again or go to marriage counseling but all I have read indicates this would not be a good idea now- and to continue limited contact except for major issues and our daughter. Please let me know your thoughts! Any suggestions on what i should do! Thank you.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Sounds like a lot of posts here. At least your getting some good info from her. She sounds like she wants the marriage just not ready to come back. I would say just let her be her. Don't persue her. She doesn't want that right now. She needs to figure everything out in her head first. I know exactly how you feel but you are much better at this then I am. maybe cause you are not together and it makes it a little easier not to talk and avoid her. Still you are on the path to recovery just wait for her to come around.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think returning to a relationship would induce a lot of push/pull feelings and I think it is totally normal to pull back after some progress is made. Think about it : You beg and plead for change and it doesn't come. You finally leave and all of the sudden the other party makes the right moves and does the things you've asked for for years. At first you are happy. But then doubt sets in. Why did it take such force to get a change? If it requires this much to get a change, maybe once I return it will turn out that it was all a ruse. Afterall, we all know that change is difficult and for some, impossible. 

So, you pull back to see if when you aren't giving positive feedback, if the change sticks. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If you are sincere, keep doing what you're doing and expect the cycle to repeat a time or three.

If you aren't sincere, don't waste your or her time.

Also, tell her that you promise not to date or to even test the water until you have a clear indication that the marriage is over. That may mean that the papers are filed or that the papers have been completed by the court. That's your choice. The latter sounds nicer, of course. It just might not be realistic.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Dobo- I connected with your reply. Thank you. Yes, of course it is sincere. I love my wife dearly and have been soul searching like never before since herd eparture tio reflect on my contributions and what I can do to be a better companion, husband and to provide a "safer" environment for her emotionally. I just fear that as time goes by and I back off that she will forget about me and us and drift away; thus, my concern on whether I should approach her for dinner or a get together. However, I have heard so much that even now, don't pursuer her but to let her lead. Agree and any suggestions on whether I should proactively do anything other than continuing to improve myself? Thanks!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just let her know you're open to dinner sometime if she wants to see you. Don't push. 

Fear she'll forget about you is normal. But after 15 years do you think it could be that easy to forget about you? Nah. 

If she had seen a lawyer, taken more of her stuff, I'd say to worry that she's felt this way for a long, long time and reached the end. A lot of us do that (when I left there was no turning back.) But she sounds different. She's waiting to see what you do.

Keep doing what you're doing. In fact, keep a diary of your thoughts and what you are trying to change in yourself and for the marriage. Might be a nice anniversary present sometime in the near future!

(God, I hope I'm right for you.)


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks for the support Dobo. ironically, anniversary is Oct 9th! Would that not be a gift of a lifetime! I think your advice is sound and I pray God will lead her back.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

My wife's erratic and unexplainable behavior continues. last night, I went home after work and there was a note from her (she stops by house each day to see dog and get mail as she does our bills) and she left a note and again- ends with it saying Love, --- Then, she sends me an email last evening talking about sending our daughter to private school at 20K per year. Problem is, she is living at the moment for last 12 weeks with her mother and no notice she is coming home. There is no way we could afford private school on two household expenditures. What in the world is she doing? I feel like she is playing mind games but I don't want to contact her unless I have to. Advice? Thanks


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't think she's playing mind games. I think she is confused.

Just answer her realistically about school. Also, do you feel your daughter needs private school? We sent our daughter to an elite academy and while everything "extra" was better, the education really wasn't all that much better than public. Great meals, great activities and trips, but educationally, I would have expected more for that kind of nut.

Anyway, let her talk like you're still together. Just remind her that it'd be nice if she came home so you can live life together for real. You await her return.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Thanks Dobo. I think you are probably right. It just sounds insane to me- acting like we are married; the status quo completly intact, but no idea when and if she is coming home. If anyone listening to her were to comment, the likely response would be she will head home eventually. However, I don't know- because she seems predictably unpredictable because she does not seem to know what she is saying or doing from one hour to the next. Regarding the private school, we actually live across the street from one of the best public schools in the entire state; and she is aware of this. Consequently, the benefits of such a decision are not as strong as to if we were in a school district that did not perform. She emailed me back and agreed we need to get more information and then talk about it. I like your comment- "talk like we are together" because this is exactly what she does and why I am so confused. However, I know better not to exhibit any pursuing tendencies if I can help it and just let her be. As we discussed yesterday, our anniversary is Oct 9th- and I do hold out hope that perhaps a present of a lifetime is getting ready for delivery..but who knows- other things she says and does suggests she is never coming home. And, the story goes on...............


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She only seems to be behaving erratically because you don't know what is on her mind. She knows and she's probably aware that she's walking parallel paths. If she's acting like you're still married ('cause you are ya know!) that's a good thing. Support it like crazy.

I hope you get that anniversary present.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Dobo- Not sure I will. She just emailed me that she talked to our daughter's psychologist and recommended a slight change in our back and forth custody schedule (informal-no papers) going on. She basically alluded to this goining into the future, at leAST, NOVEMBER 15 AND BEYOND. THIS IS SO DEFLATING AND MAKES NO SENSE WITH HER OTHER COMMENTS. SHOULD I ASK HER WHAT HER INTENTIONS ARE BASED ON THIS? WHETHER SHE WANTS a permanent separation with papers drafted up? Or, should I just work it out informally and leave it alone and see where this goes. Just when I think perhaps she is thinking of coming home- she seems farther away.


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