# What to do? Need advice. Please help.



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

So a little background.
My stbxh admitted to cheating (he says one night stand I think that more has been going on since then, i.e. I cheated so I might as well make the most of it) about 8 weeks ago and about 6 weeks ago said he isn't happy and wants a divorce. Although things haven't been great, I've thought about divorce and threatened for years, things weren't horrible so this really threw me for a loop-wasn't expecting it (we just took a family trip in Dec and this was Jan). I know that this is the best for me, I have felt unheard/unloved/unsafe for so many years but since we have a child I would have done anything to keep my family together. He on the other hand is making "mid life crisis" type decisions. We had been in MC for about 18 months but he wasn't committed to showing up half the time or doing what he needed to do based on MC homework. Our MC even told me I deserve better so here we are.
I went to see an attorney today and what I thought was a good plan turns out not to be possibly. So I need some advice.
The plan was for me and my son (he's 5) to stay in our house, we would own it jointly (we will be going to mediation to figure out the particulars), he would move out, we would take out an equity loan to pay of credit card debt to get that off our plate.
I really thought this was the best plan considering the circumstances for my son. He could stay in his house, he can attend the kindergarten that we've been planning on sending him to in the fall, and it would mean he would have some continuity. The attorney says that I should really think about selling the house, using the equity to pay off all our debt, and then I could have a clean break and wouldn't have to have him in my business that doesn't involve my son. The attorney says that in her experience it doesn't really matter to kids if they stay in the same house, its more about having their parents involved and feeling loved. But if we don't stay in the house and sell he more than likely would not be able to go to the kindergarten we planned on/that he is expecting to go too. I would probably have to move to a town about 30 minutes from where we are now but I would closer to my family so that would be a plus. I would try my best to buy a mobile home/condo but it is very expensive where we live so not 100% I will be able to own but would try my best. 
Can anyone give me some advice on this? I feel like there are pros and cons to both. I just want to do what is best for me but especially for my son. Do I stay in the house, relying on my stbxh for his share of the mortgage (I would put this into our divorce paperwork) each month or do I make a clean break and sell?
Thank you for reading and any advice would be really appreciated.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

He'll never sign off on it. I sure wouldn't. I'm in the middle of a divorce and my STBXW wants the house. But she has to buy me out and refinance the house within 12 months to get my name off it. I want to buy my own house soon, so I can't have a mortgage in my name.

You either need to buy him out of the house and refinance the house in your name or sell it. If you have debt and no cash, then it looks like selling the house is the smart thing to do. I agree, start over with little debt as possible and stay debt free going forward. That's my plan.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

No, this is a terrible idea.

Sell the house, pay off your debt, and live in a nice apartment while you save money to eventually buy your own place.

What happens if he falls behind on his share of the payments? There goes your credit and then you're credit is shot. Plus why in the world would he want to remain on the mortgage if you're divorced from him? It would prevent either of you from really disentangling and moving on.

Your son hasn't even started school yet so he will not miss a school he never went to.

Sorry for your troubles. But it sounds like it's for the best if you get away from him. You should definitely listen to your lawyer.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> He'll never sign off on it. I sure wouldn't. I'm in the middle of a divorce and my STBXW wants the house. But she has to buy me out and refinance the house within 12 months to get my name off it. I want to buy my own house soon, so I can't have a mortgage in my name.
> 
> You either need to buy him out of the house and refinance the house in your name or sell it. If you have debt and no cash, then it looks like selling the house is the smart thing to do. I agree, start over with little debt as possible and stay debt free going forward. That's my plan.


There is no way I can buy him out. I don't have the money. And I don't make enough to pay the mortgage on my own. The debt is hanging over me like a dead weight...and mostly crap that he incurred so I am definitely leaning towards selling.
I just want to make sure I do the right thing for my son.
Thank you for responding.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

happy as a clam said:


> No, this is a terrible idea.
> 
> Sell the house, pay off your debt, and live in a nice apartment while you save money to eventually buy your own place.
> 
> ...


Yes my concern as well...what if he can't pay and he hasn't been the best with money so this is a big concern of mine. My friend at work said the same thing about disentangling. I wouldn't be free of him. I think too what if he got mad at me for something and just stop paying or whatever? I would somewhat be under his control for a long time and I really don't want that.
What I do want is to do WHATEVER is best for my son. One major concern also is that rent has gotten very expensive where I live. It would be much cheaper for me to pay half the mortgage than to move into a one bedroom apartment where I am at so there is that. 
Thank you for responding.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Are you looking at alimony and child support as well? That can help significantly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You are putting yourself at great risk if you rely on him to pay half the mortgage, regardless of what your settlement may say. You already know he is unreliable, so why subject yourself to that risk?


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Are you looking at alimony and child support as well? That can help significantly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I would get spousal support for sure and probably some child support. But even if I got enough each month to pay the mortgage on my own I couldn't afford to buy him out. And although he says he will pay half the mortgage so our son can stay here (with me) I doubt he would ever sign over the house even if I could afford the monthly payment. Make sense?


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> You are putting yourself at great risk if you rely on him to pay half the mortgage, regardless of what your settlement may say. You already know he is unreliable, so why subject yourself to that risk?


The risk is what I am worried about your right. He hasn't been reliable our entire marriage. Sometimes he would get things done but mostly he would procrastinate and I would have to pick up the slack. But honestly I am willing to do whatever I need to do so that my son is okay. That was the only reason I originally agreed to this. If it were just me I would sell and be gone. Am I just too worried about my son, am I not giving him credit for his ability to adjust? So confused.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Don't put so much stress on yourself regarding your son. Kids are very resilient and feed off the environment that they are in. You nurture him and allow him to have a positive relationship with his father (if he wants it) and your son will be just fine. School really doesn't start mattering in terms of quality until 3rd grade really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Don't put so much stress on yourself regarding your son. Kids are very resilient and feed off the environment that they are in. You nurture him and allow him to have a positive relationship with his father (if he wants it) and your son will be just fine. School really doesn't start mattering in terms of quality until 3rd grade really.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. Its so funny...everyone in my life keeps telling me that...stop being so hard on yourself. I guess maybe I should start listening to everyone...why can't I? I feel so responsible for this entire situation and I didn't even do anything except try to keep my family together...he cheated...he wouldn't go to MC...etc. Why can't I accept that this isn't my fault...that I am not doing this? I hate him so much right now. I just wish I didn't hate myself too. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I beat myself up for things I didn't even do? 
Thank god I am going to therapy!


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I agree with your attorney. Sell the house, or if one of you wants the house then the other needs to buy the other one out, meaning an appraisal would have to be done and the person buying the house would pay for half of what the difference that you initial paid for the house. Good thing here is that your son has not started school so he can move. I know this might blow your dream/thoughts on the way forward but you do not want to own a home jointly with your spouse. You can hope things go well and you will get along but you cannot predict the future and things could get very out of hand if he decides to become vindictive.

Do you feel responsible for him, or fault yourself for his affair? If so, you have to come to terms with that. You did not force him into an affair, that is a choice he made for himself. He also made the choice not to follow thru with MC. These are rejections. Are you feeling bad because of the rejection you are feeling? Rejection is tough especially if we faced rejection as a child from our own parents. If we choose a partner that will reject us as our parents did we many times will do what we did as children with our parents, and try even harder to make things right or get the love from the person who is rejecting us. I know that sounds twisted but you really have think think about this.

He chose to have an affair, that is on him. That does not mean that you were not worthy of his love, time and attention. That means he made a choice for himself. You then will feel hurt, betrayed which is a normal response but you are not responsible and you do not have to take this as a rejection. His actions reflect who he is, not who you are. His not following thru with MC also speaks for him, not you. This man is not interested in the marriage, you need to love him enough to let him find his way on his own. Free yourself from any kind of responsibility from this man.


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

I wouldnt rely on him to pay half the mortgage and I doubt he would agree to it anyway.

Best to sell the house and find a nice apartment. Your son is just starting school so I would only be concerned with finding a place in the district where you want your son to get his education. 

Clean break is best. Its time to reboot.

Also for your psyche, getting out that house will be very helpful!


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I agree with your attorney. Sell the house, or if one of you wants the house then the other needs to buy the other one out, meaning an appraisal would have to be done and the person buying the house would pay for half of what the difference that you initial paid for the house. Good thing here is that your son has not started school so he can move. I know this might blow your dream/thoughts on the way forward but you do not want to own a home jointly with your spouse. You can hope things go well and you will get along but you cannot predict the future and things could get very out of hand if he decides to become vindictive.
> 
> Do you feel responsible for him, or fault yourself for his affair? If so, you have to come to terms with that. You did not force him into an affair, that is a choice he made for himself. He also made the choice not to follow thru with MC. These are rejections. Are you feeling bad because of the rejection you are feeling? Rejection is tough especially if we faced rejection as a child from our own parents. If we choose a partner that will reject us as our parents did we many times will do what we did as children with our parents, and try even harder to make things right or get the love from the person who is rejecting us. I know that sounds twisted but you really have think think about this.
> 
> He chose to have an affair, that is on him. That does not mean that you were not worthy of his love, time and attention. That means he made a choice for himself. You then will feel hurt, betrayed which is a normal response but you are not responsible and you do not have to take this as a rejection. His actions reflect who he is, not who you are. His not following thru with MC also speaks for him, not you. This man is not interested in the marriage, you need to love him enough to let him find his way on his own. Free yourself from any kind of responsibility from this man.


Yes I am thinking for sure that I am going to follow through with selling the house. I don't see any other way around it. I need and want to be free.

I don't blame myself for the affair. But I do feel responsible for how this whole situation is affecting everyone from me, to my son, to my family. My 15 year old niece broke down sobbing when we talked about what was happening. And my 9 year old niece just said "I can't understand why he would want to just leave his family". I feel responsible that they are sad and this is hurting them, that my son is going to be in pain because of this, etc. etc. 
I just feel responsible for all of that not his actions. 

I think I am more codependent than I ever knew. And I am going to start working on that. And yes it definitely comes from my parents. They pretty much sucked. The rejection is hard I won't lie. But I have accepted it, as much as I can at this point I know it will be a process, but I am looking at this point at divorce and being free.

I am done taking responsibility for him and his actions ...I just can't seem to figure out how to not feel so bad about all the destruction HE is causing.

He won't take any responsibility...he hasn't even told his family yet.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

unbe said:


> I wouldnt rely on him to pay half the mortgage and I doubt he would agree to it anyway.
> 
> Best to sell the house and find a nice apartment. Your son is just starting school so I would only be concerned with finding a place in the district where you want your son to get his education.
> 
> ...


You are so right. It took a couple days and some tears to come to the conclusion that I have to push for selling the house. It will be okay, we (my son and I) will be okay.
I do need a clean break. I need to be free of his BS and have no ties to him and not have to rely on him or to let him have a say in my life ever again.
Yes I totally don't want to be in the house. I only wanted to stay for my son but now I feel like it would be best to go. Best for me and my son will be okay.
Thank you


----------



## Mia Clarkson (Apr 6, 2016)

U did the right choice. I see the only way here is divorcing. I would do the same. And actually I did. I divorced with my husband after I found out that he cheated on me. I hired a lawyer on http://solicitors.guru/family/ and everything was solved. Easy and fast. I am free now and happy


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your responses.
I decided that I wanted to sell the house and actually told my stbxh a couple nights ago. He was surprised...it made me feel good. Like I was in control for a bit. But then last night he says he wants to keep the house and try to buy me out. This is a pipe dream. He doesn't have the money. But he wants to keep it so he is going to try. I told him he can do whatever he wants as long as he pays me the money to buy me out. Either way I would be free to start over.
We are going to have to sell. Unless he wins the lottery. He is living in his dream world as usual. I have always done all the heavy lifting in our marriage and now I am not doing anything that isn't for me or my son. So he has a rude awakening coming. But I don't care. He made this decision not me and now he has to suffer the consequences. He has never appreciated everything that I have done over the past 16+ years to get us where we are today. He is delusional. He is going to see soon all that I did to make his life so easy. Too easy. But thats the past. I am going to continue with the divorce process and moving on with my life and my sons.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

anewstine said:


> Thank you everyone for your responses.
> I decided that I wanted to sell the house and actually told my stbxh a couple nights ago. He was surprised...it made me feel good. Like I was in control for a bit. But then last night he says he wants to keep the house and try to buy me out. This is a pipe dream. He doesn't have the money. But he wants to keep it so he is going to try. I told him he can do whatever he wants as long as he pays me the money to buy me out. Either way I would be free to start over.
> We are going to have to sell. Unless he wins the lottery. He is living in his dream world as usual. I have always done all the heavy lifting in our marriage and now I am not doing anything that isn't for me or my son. So he has a rude awakening coming. But I don't care. He made this decision not me and now he has to suffer the consequences. He has never appreciated everything that I have done over the past 16+ years to get us where we are today. He is delusional. He is going to see soon all that I did to make his life so easy. Too easy. But thats the past. I am going to continue with the divorce process and moving on with my life and my sons.


His response to wanting the house is probably more a knee jerk emotional response right now and it's not unusual for both parties to go thru that do a degree regarding a home. Eventually the rational brain will kick in and selling it will most likely be the option. 

The value of the home may be a sticking point, home appraisals and what they sell for are usually two very different numbers depending on market things like that. A couple of different lawyers over the years told me usually the easiest and cheapest route to go is having 3 realtors look at the house and get what they would list the house for. They will most likely only be a few grand different in price from one to the other. Take the average and use that price for dividing equity.


----------

