# Love hurts



## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Alright first time poster but not new to this as I have spent countless nights and days researching, reading, seeking advice and still not there yet so I now turn here in hope of something. I know that sounds selfish and why would a bunch of strangers be able to help? Well for starters you and me are on here for different reasons but if you read my story and offer advice, I will gladly consider it and hopefully might be able to get that critical peace I am missing. 

Long story hopefully cut short. Married 14 years, 2 months shy of 15 year anniversary. Been together almost 16, married when she was 19 and I was 25. We have 3 kids together, 14,11, 10. We have a home, cars, ect.....
Started realizing things weren't good 7 months ago, distant, secretive, late for bad reasons, just the not so normal stuff. Asked a few times whats going on and was told needed to spend more time. I didn't listen.... about 2 months ago my worse fears came to light. 


After suspicion turned to me to needing answers, I eventually confirmed my worse fear, she was cheating and had a lover that she was in love with and stated the ever so cold "I don't love you anymore". She lied multiple times and didn't fully admit to everything for weeks until I obsessed with finding the truth. During this time she asked for forgiveness and asked for reconcilation. I agreed and after more lies and more lies. I realized she was lying about the R. She was trying to have op and me at the same time. I confirmed this. 

After exposing the truth, I filed for a divorce. We are in the procress now. I will keep the children, house and she will pay me some for the expenses. I know thay sounds bizzare but she is messed up and has some real issues. Plus she is protecting op since she doesn't want him involved in our legal issue. 

Op is younger, makes good money but cannot provide a better life as she stated to me. She wants to try it though...She broke my heart and crushed our kids hurts too because she lied to them too and they tell her this all the time. They picked me not only because she cheated but because of the lies and what she did to them. 

Now I am faced with the scary thought of being alone for the first time in 16 years. I'm an attractive guy and decent shape, I began exercising occasionally but the drive isn't there like I want it to be. She still lives with me but will be leaving once the divorce is final. I had to agree to that for peace sake. 

We already split most assets and so far we have been okay with each other. I love her and she doesnt love me. That's why this is so easy for her. Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated er like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me. 

I asked her why ask me to do all these things if she had no intention on staying and she said she didnt know. I remain this way for the sake of my own sanity. I have been trying endlessly to let go but everytime I see her, I think what could have been. We had plans for a great future and now its gone. 

I can't see myself with anyone else and it makes me cry to think about her with someone else. At this point, I know its over and despite my pathetic hope that one day she will return. I know it will never happen. 

Not only did she cheat, but I discovered all sorts of secrets about her. She is more sexually driven than I would have ever known and more than likely will cheat on op as well. She drinks alot now and wants to party. Talks completely different and is into things I am not. She was quite and innocent but not anymore. Its not like I didn't try to spice things up either. She would always say, I'm not into that. That's gross. Now thats all she talks about. Wtfff.... Im blown away. 

My saving grace is finding out the truth as she had no intention of telling me. I would have been the ignorant hubby to a cheating wife. I'm dealing with the stress as best as I can but each progress turns empty. I need a path to get right, only now I'm not sure what or where it is. 

Sorry for the long excessive post! Comments and advice welcomed and will be greatly appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Acoa


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Cheater script totally my friend, there are countless stories like yours mine included.... It's incredible how they all act nearly identical, it amazes me still. You still have feelings for her which is normal, actually everything you are feeling is completely normal, there is nothng wrong with you per say and how you feel, just keep telling yourself that, keep any contact with her to the absolute bare minimum and remember this will all pass and you will come out a stronger person!! 

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The number 1 thing that stood out to me was married at 25 and 19. It's a shame because she never got to experience the "fun life" of a twenty-something. I am sure a lot of this had been brewing for years.

I'm 40, have 2 kids and on the verge of divorce also. Not that help, but misery love company!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

DNA the kids and push that divorce through to completion just as fast as possible. You want it over and done while she's still infatuated w/ OM, because when that relationship comes crashing down around her (and it likely will), she'll try to come running back to you. And when you say no, the divorce will take a very nasty turn.

When that happens, you'll lose the house, at least half your time w/ your kids, and will probably wind up paying alimony and child support as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There's nothing anybody can say to take away that kind of pain. The only advice I can think of is, try to focus on yourself & your kids. help each other get through this. Just know there are people here you can talk to that know what you're feeling. Sometimes it helps just to get it out & have support .


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Gus is right - close that divorce loop ASAP. And when she comes running back, stick to your guns.

If you need advice on letting go, there is no magic bullet. It may help however, for you to realize the truth. You don't love her.

Say it out loud. You don't love her.

You love the person you thought she was. She is not that person.

Get that info your mind, every time you see her, she isn't who you thought she was.

Stay safe.

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Seppuku said:


> Gus is right - close that divorce loop ASAP. And when she comes running back, stick to your guns.
> 
> If you need advice on letting go, there is no magic bullet. It may help however, for you to realize the truth. You don't love her.
> 
> ...


Wow, that was great. I really needed to see that. I will definatley try that. I don't love her, I loved the person she was and thought she was. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Yeah I thought about that. But in my state, she cannot return to court to over turn the ruling without serious changes in lifestyle. I have enough on her that she wouldn't want to do that, hence why she agreed to no alimony, I keep the house and kids and she supports what she can. I know their mine.. they look identical to me especially my son.  He's actually better than me so an improved version. Personility wise he's a great kid, so are my others. I take that as my biggest blessing from this broken marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

"Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated er like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me."

Cheaters have a remarkable ability to blame shift. I think with a little time, you may realize you weren't nearly as bad as you make yourself out to be. She is likely rewriting history to make herself feel better.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You need to implement "the 180" to help you detach from her; very important since she's still in the house.

And I agree with the other posters - you can't finish out this divorce fast enough.

Sorry you're here.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ralph Bellamy said:


> "Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated er like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me."
> 
> Cheaters have a remarkable ability to blame shift. I think with a little time, you may realize you weren't nearly as bad as you make yourself out to be. She is likely rewriting history to make herself feel better.


This!!!

I doubt you were all that bad, but when the love of your life tells you something like that, you tend to accept it as gospel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

confusednAlone said:


> Now I am faced with the scary thought of being alone for the first time in 16 years. I'm an attractive guy and decent shape, I began exercising occasionally but the drive isn't there like I want it to be. She still lives with me but will be leaving once the divorce is final. I had to agree to that for peace sake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't worry about being alone. After you give yourself time to heal you won't be alone if you don't want to be. Any decent looking and successful guy should have no problem finding someone else (either for temporary fun or for a long term relationship) if he desires. Plus at your age women tend to be quite confident and often like to show off their skills in bed. Trust me on this one. :wink2:

You really need to exercise even if you don't feel like it. The endorphin release is a natural antidepressant and will make this process go a little easier for you. When I was in your shoes and didn't feel motivated when I was working out I'd just grunt out F'n B1tch whenever I needed that extra little push. It was quite therapeutic.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Don't worry about being alone. After you give yourself time to heal you won't be alone if you don't want to be. Any decent looking and successful guy should have no problem finding someone else (either for temporary fun or for a long term relationship) if he desires. Plus at your age women tend to be quite confident and often like to show off their skills in bed. Trust me on this one. :wink2:
> 
> You really need to exercise even if you don't feel like it. The endorphin release is a natural antidepressant and will make this process go a little easier for you. When I was in your shoes and didn't feel motivated when I was working out I'd just grunt out F'n B1tch whenever I needed that extra little push. It was quite therapeutic.


I suppose your right. I turned down many advances throughoutout the marriage. I guess its sad that she couldn't do it just one more time especially when I improved and did what she wanted. I really do hope I can move on. I guess alot more time is needed. Right now even women I am attracted to don't appeal to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone when I'm not over her. I smiled at your motivation grunt. Not so nice but I get it. Ugh.. thanks everyone. I really appreciate the words being thrown at me. One day she might realize the mistake she made or maybe she never will and be quite satisfied with her decision. I have to accept both as is. Life goes on just not with her as my wife or love of my life. Just the mother of our children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*The 180*

This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

*1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.*


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Just Let Them Go
*
_The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Just focus on your kids and what they need from you. It is going to be hard to ignore her while she is still living in the house. Why is she doing that? Why is she not with her lover in fantasy land?

Once she is gone you will miss her for a time but DO NOT contact her unless there is an emergency with one of the kids that you think she should know about. By emergency, I mean a major injury or illness requiring hospitalization. Getting a boo-boo, or a sprained ankle or even a couple of stitches is not an emergency.

You will get over her.

DO NOT tell her the details of your new life. She no longer has the right to know anything about what you are doing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DNA the kids. To prove you are the parent?

Not really. 

So, why?* To stop your wife trying to derail the divorce by saying: "The kids aren't really his!"*

And also you need STD/HIV tests, if you haven't already had them done.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Yuck, I don't envy what you are going through right now. Was there 4 years ago. Took me longer to decide to divorce (my XW would have been happy for me to stay her chump while she went out and partied). 

Sounds like you have agreement on the custody of the kids and fair division of assets. That's good. Get it in writing and filed with the courts ASAP. Start with the custody issue. You should be able to file a 'Joint parenting agreement' with the court if both of you sign it. It should spell out visitation and who pays for what. This will help protect you if at the 11th hour she decides to fight for custody so she won't have a child support obligation to you.

Speaking of child support. Even if you don't need her to pay you, don't 'waive' the right to. Firstly, most judges won't allow that. Secondly, just don't. If circumstances change, you may want and or need to have her pay child support. Luckily I didn't, but knowing I could was good. And it helps keep the STBX in check.

On separation of assets, don't give her more than you are legally obligated to under your state law. Don't let her guilt you into thinking you were a bad H. You were not. Could you have done things better? Probably, but not the point. You maintained a job, you didn't hit her or your kids, you provided a home and built a life. Her feelings of neglect are a problem of privilege. She had a good life and was bored and craved excitement. Unfortunately instead of being a good wife and finding a way to do that with you, she cheated. That's on her. Follow the law, be fair, but stop being her chump. She forfeited that when she cheated. Treat it now as a business transaction.

On future relationships? Don't fret it. You will be a single dad, with custody and a job who treated his cheating EX fairly well in the divorce. You sir will be a hot commodity. But don't rush it. Take a year to clear your head and build a routine and relationship with your children. Make sure you have 2 nights per week for you. For now that can be support group or a hobby or church group. But it builds in a routine of a couple of days where your life isn't just work then kids. You can use those nights for dating in the future.

You sir have a good future ahead of you. Start thinking what you want that to look like and build the foundation now. Your last 'loving' act to your STBXW will be to divorce her with grace and dignity. But make sure she realizes it is indeed over. Make sure you file, if you didn't, be sure to counter sue for divorce. Then she can't stop the proceedings. Get her out of the house. At some point OM is going to dump her. You don't want her under your roof when he does. She will try to make a run back at you. Don't fall for it. Read the 180, live it, love it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

First off she didn't become this new and shiny suddenly sexier version of herself because she met this guy.

Right now she's playing a role, very true she gets to talk dirty, drink, do things with him she never did with you and in her mind it's exciting, but don't believe for one second this is some sort of awakening, right now she'll do whatever it takes to keep this guy on the hook.

Not going to mince words, it might last it might not, the best thing for you is what you did, file and start to move on with your life. No doubt because of the kids you'll always be in contact, and no doubt she might be doing what's she's doing because she wants to see if the grass is greener knowing that she has you to fall back on of it goes to sh*t.

Best to use this time to work on yourself and detach from her. Yes love her but for god's sake man, this woman is willing to divorce you to get this guy. 

She deserves no second chances. 

Start working on yourself to ensure she never gets that chance if her plans fall apart.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Push through the divorce whilst she is still in the affair fog. When the fog eventually lifts and it will only then will she truly realise what she has done. 

This is your chance to get the split to fall in your favour. Grasp it with both hands.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get your a$$ to the lawyer's office yesterday ~ while she is in an acquiescing mood!

Let the cheating skank go! You and your kids deserve far, far better!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Just focus on your kids and what they need from you. It is going to be hard to ignore her while she is still living in the house. Why is she doing that? Why is she not with her lover in fantasy land?
> 
> Once she is gone you will miss her for a time but DO NOT contact her unless there is an emergency with one of the kids that you think she should know about. By emergency, I mean a major injury or illness requiring hospitalization. Getting a boo-boo, or a sprained ankle or even a couple of stitches is not an emergency.
> 
> ...


Sadly enough because she lied to the kids and told them they didnt know the om when it first came out. I didn't tell them she did btw. She actually had my kids with him under false pretences, I was disgusted when I found out and so were they. They immediately told her how bad it was and no matter how long they would never accept him. So now she is faced with her inexcusable actions backfiring on her. She is stated her intention is to save enough to move on her own and not live with him. I and our kids know that's a lie so they have no interest with living with her. Again, let me stress I said nothing to make think this. They made that decision on their own. The worse is she actually still blames me for ruining her twisted fantasy of living with the om and the kids. The mind of this woman amazes me to this day.

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> DNA the kids. To prove you are the parent?
> 
> Not really.
> 
> ...


Good point. Didn't think about that. The std/hiv test was done. I demanded she did that once she told me she had multiple sex encounters with him without protection and worse, allowing him to release himself inside of her as he was married to her or she knew him so well. I was devasted by this is as well not to mention the countless other things I discovered. 

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Get your a$$ to the lawyer's office yesterday ~ while she is in an acquiescing mood!
> 
> Let the cheating skank go! You and your kids deserve far, far better!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Done. She signed I just need to submit them to the court and await our last true date together which will be the court house!!

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

confusednAlone said:


> Done. She signed I just need to submit them to the court and await our last true date together which will be the court house!!
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk


*Congratulations are totally in order, Sir!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Confused,


You are still in shock and that is understandable. But soon you will realize that she actually did you a favor by admitting and telling you she LOVED OM and not you. You made a quick and firm decision once you caught her again lying, which would have been much more difficult had she been professing her undying love for you.
And the fact that you caught her again so quickly is a credit to your good sense in getting out of denial paralysis.

You will be amazed how many BH just put their head in the sand and wind upo with the cake eating going on for a long time while they refuse to snoop.

Time is the healer. You have come out of this financially not devastated, you have a good job, are fit, and a great Dad, which it is obvious your kids know. They will remember what she did forever and they way she did it and the manipulation to get the OM in their presence. 

Now you XWW will soon find out that being in love with OM may not be the same when it is not all about sneaking off to have sex somewhere. 
Just be prepared that the "I'm sorry" phone call could come somewhere down the road. Do not take the bait if thatr happens


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

@confusednAlone, 

You certainly aren't alone here. 

It will be ard to take advice and make sense of things for a while because your brain is still telling you that you love this person. Logic goes out the window.

Having been in the same situation, I can tell you to read and re-read Bandit's posts here. They are all you need to know.

It will take time to heal (yes, really 2-3 years) so my last piece of advice is to sit with whatever emotions come up. Don't try to block them, but be open and let them be present. This is the quickest way to heal as your subconscious will process them and you will naturally know what you need to do next. Your subconscious will naturally disconnect you from what is bad for you.

Also know that everything that your wife has done is because she is insecure. Never consider her actions the actions of a strong person, she is weak and this is why she didn't face her problems head on right from the start. This fact will help you realise that YOU are actually the strong one here.

Good luck.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

confusednAlone said:


> Now for my end, I was a horrible husband. I didn't pay attention, didn't tell her or show her how much I loved her until it was too late. I didn't drink, do drugs, or abuse her physically. I treated semi good. I know I could have done better and when presented with the option to get better I did. I spent all my time with her, treated her like gold and how she deserved. She was still cheating though and lied to me.


Romantic infatuation only last two or three years. Ideally it’s replaced by a deeper love required for kids and a family. There is an old saying that women give sex for attention and men give attention for sex. There is no way that a husband can compete with a new guy on the attention front especially when he doesn’t know that there is a competition. Your wife didn’t realize how badly you were treating her until the OM showed her how she deserved to be treated. 

First the new guy is new. The romantic infatuation clock starts running. When he tells the WW she’s beautiful it carries more weight. The husband is supposed to say stuff like that. Secondly the OM is very motivated. He’s trying to get into some pants he’s not supposed to. The husband is more complacent because the thinks the pants are already his. 

Add to that your wife had a midlife crisis and became a party girl. She wanted to have experience with other men before it was too late.

Basically I’m saying don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t stand a chance.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

_From the TV show House. Wilson divorced his wife for cheating. Now she wants him back.

Wilson: People change, House.

House: Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.
_

When you get older your priorities change. Family and companionship become more important. I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex puts the moves on you someday. She has an additional reason to do this. You’re a bridge to your kids. If she gets back with you she can tell your kids: “Your father forgave me why can’t you?” 

Some WS want to be friends after the divorce to the extent of having family events together. This sends the signal to everyone, including the WS, that what they did must not have been so bad after all. Being the most injured party the BS is like a special priest for the WS. They can absolve the WS of their sins like no one else can.

Don’t pine away for her because the woman you love doesn’t exist anymore. But don’t be surprised if she comes starching at your door someday and be aware why she’s doing it. She didn’t suddenly discover how much she loves you or you suddenly became hot. She wants a comfortable retirement with all the kids and grandkids at Christmas.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

confusednalone said:


> done. She signed i just need to submit them to the court and await our last true date together which will be the court house!!
> 
> Sent from my sm-g920t using tapatalk



*like a boss! Good job*>>


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do not buy into the idea of Karma. It is a nice idea, but in the end it is self-delusion.

What you need to prepare yourself for is the very good possibility that she will never be repentant nor will she ever come "crawling back" to you. She may very well stick with this guy, or it will turn out that he was nothing more than an exit affair and she used him to get out of the marriage she no longer wanted to be in. She may just go find herself another Plan A instead of trying to win you back.

There are many waywards who marry their affair partners and go on to live successful, happy lives. No, it is not fair to the betrayed spouses and their families, but it is often true. 

You cannot punish your WW for what she has done. She may reap the whirlwind, or she may go on and do very well for herself. It can go either way. All you can do is move forward and be the best man you can possibly be and let time heal your wounds.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What you need to prepare yourself for is the very good possibility that she will never be repentant nor will she ever come "crawling back" to you. She may very well stick with this guy, or it will turn out that he was nothing more than an exit affair and she used him to get out of the marriage she no longer wanted to be in. She may just go find herself another Plan A instead of trying to win you back.
> 
> There are many waywards who marry their affair partners and go on to live successful, happy lives. No, it is not fair to the betrayed spouses and their families, but it is often true.
> 
> You cannot punish your WW for what she has done. She may reap the whirlwind, or she may go on and do very well for herself. It can go either way. All you can do is move forward and be the best man you can possibly be and let time heal your wounds.


Bandit is correct. The reason so many of us are cautioning you about her crawling back to you isn’t because it’s so very likely. It’s because we don’t want you taken advantage of. Because you’re a stable nice family guy you’re a catch. Those same qualities also make you vulnerable. She looks like the woman you love. What if she says all the right things and put the moves on you years from now?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Do not buy into the idea of Karma. It is a nice idea, but in the end it is self-delusion.


Even if you do, the karma may be what's being dealt out to the BS for one reason or another. Hey, I'm just sayin.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Very acurate as she already stated, we can do family trips together and dinners, holidays, birthdays. I only agreed to one birthday since my daughter is so close to having one and that completes the year. Folllowing this, there will be no more us at the dinner table together no matter how much she tries. My foot is going down!


Graywolf2 said:


> _From the TV show House. Wilson divorced his wife for cheating. Now she wants him back.
> 
> Wilson: People change, House.
> 
> ...



Who needs a signature?


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Do not buy into the idea of Karma. It is a nice idea, but in the end it is self-delusion.
> 
> What you need to prepare yourself for is the very good possibility that she will never be repentant nor will she ever come "crawling back" to you. She may very well stick with this guy, or it will turn out that he was nothing more than an exit affair and she used him to get out of the marriage she no longer wanted to be in. She may just go find herself another Plan A instead of trying to win you back.
> 
> ...


I agree. Its easy to play the blame game and hope for the worse but the more I read replies and start thinking more clearly the more possible life without her bothers me less.  

Who needs a signature?


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Graywolf2 said:


> Bandit is correct. The reason so many of us are cautioning you about her crawling back to you isn’t because it’s so very likely. It’s because we don’t want you taken advantage of. Because you’re a stable nice family guy you’re a catch. Those same qualities also make you vulnerable. She looks like the woman you love. What if she says all the right things and put the moves on you years from now?


I get it as I stated before. I have no idea actually, part of me stands firm on the advice that has been given but another part might take her back despite not wanting to and knowing it probably wont happen. She has changed too much and revealed many traits I find distasteful. She no longer is the woman I loved. That much I see. The other part is will she ever revert? Very sure she wont, plus the damage is done. I can't get those memories out of my head. I thank myself for finding out the truth but it hurt so bad I ask myself was it worth it to hear the kind of woman she turned into or really is. Than I realize I would never marry a woman like her and what I mean is the current version. Sure it may sound crude but she would have been nothing more than a fling, and a very short one at that. I suspected early on especially since she hinted a bit. I ignored the signs and began a life with her despite my reservations, pushing them off as a heat in the moment type of girl. She is a good one and I'm sure she really isn't like this. She caught on quick and slowed down. I know what to look out for now and know to stick to my gut instinct. 

Who needs a signature?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

confusednAlone said:


> I agree. Its easy to play the blame game and hope for the worse but the more I read replies and start thinking more clearly the more possible life without *her* bothers me less.


Fixed that for you. 

Most of us here have been through what you are going through to one extent or the other. We are not going to lie to you: This process will get worse before it gets better. You will have agony, self doubt, angst, anger, fury, apathy, deep regret, humiliation, guilt....

You will suffer all these things and more in varying degrees, in varying combinations for many months to come. But one day down the road it will start to clear up for you, and each day will be just a little bit better than the one before. Within a year the initial shock and anger will have worn off to be followed by a more intellectual sadness and regret. Then a year or two more and most of the pain will be gone, with occasional isolated bouts of funk. 

It gets better. The best thing you can do is make sure:

1) Get plenty of sleep. Use Benadryl or get the doc to prescribe you sleep aids if you need them. 

2) Eat right. No sugars, junk food and fats. Load up on the veggies, legumes, fish, lean chicken and go easy on the red meats. 

3) Keep your mind active. 

4) Exercise daily. Lift weights and run/jog a few miles every day. 

5) Focus on your children and yourself. 

6) Make yourself over. Get a nice haircut, buy some new threads and dress up a little. When you are ready, go out on the town and talk to women. You don't need to ask them out or try to bed them. Just talking and flirting a little with a nice lady will go a long way towards repairing your ego. 

7) Get back into old hobbies that you let slide or that you sacrificed on the alter of matrimony. 

8) Hang out with dudes. Get some bros to help you through this. 

9) Counseling - find some one to talk to about this.

10) Live the *180*. If you need help just ask us.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I want to strongly agree with @bandit.45 about working on yourself. It's going to take time. 16 years is a long time. Don't rush the healing but begin the process in small steps. 

It's critical that you take care of yourself physically. I agree that you should hit the gym HARD. Lifting will get your T levels back up. Also reconnect with some males doing fun things. Get you out of your comfort zone. Take up a hobby to get you out of the house and interacting with others and getting out of your head.

I also agree with talking with women without any pressure to date them. Just friendly interaction. In no time, you'll meet a woman who'll steal your heart. But first you must detach from your STBX, that's what the 180 is for.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

I will initiate a plan and try to stick with it. The gym sounds great but I'm not 20 anymore lol I'm 39 and my body might not be able to handle heavy lifting. I got lucky to still look younger than I am, so I guess that's a plus for a few years until the gray sets in and I'm still going to be confident and happy with the way I look. Now I just need to work on my mind. Well at least my court date will be soon. Hopefully by ends month the road to recovery can begin. As stated before, she still resides with me until the divorce is final. I don't think I have it in me to break away just yet until she is gone and the d is final. I know and want it to happen so its just time now.

Who needs a signature?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are right. You cannot truly begin the healing process until she is out of the house. 

PS - buy new locks and install them 10 minutes after she moves out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Do not buy into the idea of Karma. It is a nice idea, but in the end it is self-delusion.


Yes, as you have framed it.

But there is reverse Karma, where the BS is being "punished" for past misdeeds.

Could be generational Karma, where one pays for the Mothers or Fathers sins.

Anything that is *painful* we often dub it *"punishment".
*

It is not the case. It is our limited knowledge of cause and effect that allows for the misconception. If it hurts it is pain....I am being punished is the ready response.

Let me condense Karma to this:

Newton said for every Action there is a corresponding Reaction.

Human actions and reactions loosely [because of our vantage point] follow this truism. I say loosely because there are too many forces at play. Some of the forces are very subtle. And we are standing at the center of OUR Universe......cannot see the larger picture.

*We live in a chemical soup...vegetable beef, I think!*


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

confusednAlone said:


> I will initiate a plan and try to stick with it. The gym sounds great but I'm not 20 anymore lol I'm 39 and my body might not be able to handle heavy lifting. I got lucky to still look younger than I am, so I guess that's a plus for a few years until the gray sets in and I'm still going to be confident and happy with the way I look. Now I just need to work on my mind. Well at least my court date will be soon. Hopefully by ends month the road to recovery can begin. As stated before, she still resides with me until the divorce is final. I don't think I have it in me to break away just yet until she is gone and the d is final. I know and want it to happen so its just time now.
> 
> Who needs a signature?


Start with the 5X5 stronglifts program. It's for beginners and starts with light weights and moves up in weight gradually so you have the time to develop proper form before you're lifting heavy. I'm doing it now after taking a break from lifting for P90X. When I started 5X5 I just went to the gym and asked for help from one of their staff on proper form for the exercises that I wasn't used to doing. And 39 isn't old at all.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Start with the 5X5 stronglifts program. It's for beginners and starts with light weights and moves up in weight gradually so you have the time to develop proper form before you're lifting heavy. I'm doing it now after taking a break from lifting for P90X. When I started 5X5 I just went to the gym and asked for help from one of their staff on proper form for the exercises that I wasn't used to doing. And 39 isn't old at all.


I know, it just seems that way when you are married so long and than suddenly single close to 40. Starting over this late scares me a bit. When the time is right, I will probably have a different outlook. Plus from what I remember in my 20s the relationships weren't that great anyway... 

Who needs a signature?


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## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

confusednAlone said:


> I know, it just seems that way when you are married so long and than suddenly single close to 40. Starting over this late scares me a bit. When the time is right, I will probably have a different outlook. Plus from what I remember in my 20s the relationships weren't that great anyway...
> 
> Who needs a signature?


No excuses. I'm 54 and started Stronglifts 18 months ago. The changes have been incredible, dadbod body gone. Actually, getting ripped. Do it for you. Do it for your next girlfriend. Consider it a great way to get back at the wife, because after several months of it she is going to be shocked at how good you look. Additionally, it is a way to channel your anger and make you better because of it. Will help you sleep and take away anxiety. Lifting is a no lose proposition as long as you get into slowly. Stronglifts enables that.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

zzzman99 said:


> No excuses. I'm 54 and started Stronglifts 18 months ago. The changes have been incredible, dadbod body gone. Actually, getting ripped. Do it for you. Do it for your next girlfriend. Consider it a great way to get back at the wife, because after several months of it she is going to be shocked at how good you look. Additionally, it is a way to channel your anger and make you better because of it. Will help you sleep and take away anxiety. Lifting is a no lose proposition as long as you get into slowly. Stronglifts enables that.


Cool thanks. I already started minor exercising and seeing results. She commented yesterday how much she hates me for getting toned so quickly when she has been hitting the gym for years with minimum results. Even my son said damn dad your getting ripped fast. I laughed hard. I am started because I wanted to make her jealous and I knew I would get toned quickly anyway. My body is just like that. Hurts like hell though. Now I'm doing it for me and because I need to for my own health anyway. I planned on doing it just needed the motivation. I guess I can thank her for that. 

Who needs a signature?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

@confusedansalone I started lifting at 49 years old. I'll be 52 shortly. 
In just under 2 years I have lost and kept off 35lbs. 
When I started lifting, I could barely get 135lbs on bench for 2 reps. I'm now up to 205 and my PR is 215 for 3 reps. 
My deadlifts have improved from barely 225 for 3 to 405 for 4-5 reps. 
I have, despite my age gained a lot of muscle and have gone from 36" waist jeans to 32". 
My arms went from 15" to 15 1/4" and in a 5'6" frame it looks pretty good. 
Your never too old to lift. Some days I'm actually the youngest guy in the gym. Other days I'm the oldest. 
I may not lift as heavy as a lot of guys, but at least I'm lifting. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

confusednAlone said:


> Cool thanks. I already started minor exercising and seeing results. She commented yesterday how much she hates me for getting toned so quickly when she has been hitting the gym for years with minimum results. Even my son said damn dad your getting ripped fast. I laughed hard. I am started because I wanted to make her jealous and I knew I would get toned quickly anyway. My body is just like that. Hurts like hell though. Now I'm doing it for me and because I need to for my own health anyway. I planned on doing it just needed the motivation. I guess I can thank her for that.
> 
> Who needs a signature?


Lots of betrayed husband, after getting over the XW, sometimes feel the need to contact OM and thank him for taking the cheating, lying, selfish skank off your hands.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

confusednAlone said:


> I will initiate a plan and try to stick with it. The gym sounds great but I'm not 20 anymore lol I'm 39 and my body might not be able to handle heavy lifting. I got lucky to still look younger than I am, so I guess that's a plus for a few years until the gray sets in and I'm still going to be confident and happy with the way I look. Now I just need to work on my mind. Well at least my court date will be soon. Hopefully by ends month the road to recovery can begin. As stated before, she still resides with me until the divorce is final. I don't think I have it in me to break away just yet until she is gone and the d is final. I know and want it to happen so its just time now.
> 
> Who needs a signature?


Trust me, gym is not about looking shredded, swol or six pack abs. It's cliche but as well as physical it's also about feeling better about yourself mentally.

You've been knocked back in life and you're dealing with it the best you can, so taking little steps, putting those good deposits of well being in and this is most important, putting yourself first can aid immensely in the healing process..

and you might get six pack abs, which never hurts.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Thanks for the advice. I will trade a six pack of beers for abs any day lol 

Who needs a signature?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You know my friend a lot of men would kill to have a custody or house. You are lucky man no matter what you think. 

You got all of that and plus your cheating wife is almost out of your life. 

I am jealous .
Dont be hard on yourself and dont blame yourself. She cheated on you and your kids,so it is her fault. 

When she moves out of your house and when she realize that OM leaves dirty dishes all over the place,have bills to pay,not ready to party 24/7 or notice another,younger girls she will call you and tell you how sorry she was. Be ready for this.

Best wishes to you and stay strong.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Be smart said:


> You know my friend a lot of men would kill to have a custody or house. You are lucky man no matter what you think.
> 
> You got all of that and plus your cheating wife is almost out of your life.
> 
> ...


I like your name and comment. As I fully expect this. She has no idea what it will be like with him. I even offered her a seperation to test it out and she flat out refused and said we built a life together so why can't she do it again... I told her she has no idea how he really is or what type of man he is. She is in for a rude awakening or a great life that she dreamed of. Either way not my concern other than her being a mom to our kids. 

Funny thing is she actually mentioned that she doesn't know him that also weighed on her decision to walk away. We have girls and she wasn't sure if he could be some kind of pervert. Just saying that should have knocked some sense into her but nope. She is deluded and lost. I'm lucky in some regards but in the lost of a wife, even a bad one. I call it a loss. 

Who needs a signature?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> Lots of betrayed husband, after getting over the XW, sometimes feel the need to contact OM and thank him for taking the cheating, lying, selfish skank off your hands.


I wish I still had his address so I could add him to my Christmas card list! Only went their once though, just to inform his wife of the piece of garbage she was married to.

My gf is 13 yrs younger than my XW and 30 pounds lighter. Trust me @confusednAlone, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Just hit the gym hard for now. It's good for the mind and body. 

If your half as decent looking as you say you are, and have a job, woman will be throwing themselves at you. Dating is absolutely a man's game after 35. She did you a FAVOR.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> DNA the kids and push that divorce through to completion just as fast as possible. You want it over and done while she's still infatuated w/ OM, because when that relationship comes crashing down around her (and it likely will), she'll try to come running back to you. And when you say no, the divorce will take a very nasty turn.
> 
> When that happens, you'll lose the house, at least half your time w/ your kids, and will probably wind up paying alimony and child support as well.


This is EXACTLY what I did and it WORKS. I got the house and I pay NO alimony or child support. She was too busy in la la land.

She tried to lawyer up after the fact and they told her she got screwed. She called me all upset. I couldn't stop smiling for a week. Ram the divorce though ASAP. 

Hell, offer to babysit and pick up condoms for her while she goes to screw her OM. Do whatever it takes for you to get away clean my friend. Remember this...

Only thing worse than getting cheated on is financing her and POSOM's vacation to Aruba on YOUR dime. While they sit on the beach and toast to playing you for a fool.


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

I'm sorry you're here confusednAlone, 

I'm going through this right now, (14 year relationship) I'm glad your taking action with D and kids and home, 
It must be hard as hell to still be in the same house, the real healing will begin when she's gone, in the meantime - 180 all the way mate 

Fill your days with fun things for you and your kids to do, they're going through this as well - get out of the house with them for day trips, a walk, whatever!! this will escape the chaos, even for an hour or two, the park, a farm, your family, anywhere, its all progress, the outdoors will help to clear the mush in your head. - I can't reiterate how important this is!!

Re-engage with family and friends, they will pick up the slack and help carry you through this, do the things YOU enjoyed doing but never could because of STBXW, playing golf, football ect

Go gung-ho at the gym 
You can feel the crap going on in your life oozing out of you. 

I'm 2 months on from D-Day and some days are good some are bad, triggers will happen and take you back several steps. 

Just remember brother, us guys are strong, we will get through this, this isn't your fault, the marriage is 50/50 but the adultery is all on her. Stay Strong!!


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

I really despise this woman. Each day gets worse. I had a slip and it almost cost everything I worked hard for. I count the days I get that letter in the mail for divorce court.... please hurry. I cant afford another mistake or its game over. I will post an update. I can't give details as this could lead to legal problems. Right now things are shaky. I feel stupid for being so confident. I let my guard down for one moment and bam. If this day doesn't come D day than I'm screwed. I came back to re read some posts to figure out what I didn't retain and what I need to retain. Bottom is she isn't leaving the house and I'm scared. I was told get a camera in the house and record everything. Can I do that or should I? I need protection. I already told my kids to keep their ears open and eyes open. I'm sleeping nervously each day. I don't trust her and what she can do. I didn't expect that from her at all and I underestimated her ruthlessness. Wish me luck!!

Who needs a signature?


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

[B said:


> I was told get a camera in the house and record everything. Can I do that or should I?[/B] I need protection. I already told my kids to keep their ears open and eyes open. I'm sleeping nervously each day. I don't trust her and what she can do. I didn't expect that from her at all and I *underestimated her ruthlessness.* Wish me luck!!
> 
> Who needs a signature?


I'm not sure on the laws in the US so maybe someone could chip in with that. It's legal to do so in your own house in the UK, providing it's in an area where nothing private could be taking place eg bedroom, bathroom. 

I've been told this several times and I'll tell you too, *she is now your enemy*, battle lines drawn. Don't rise to her, don't give any information to her about anything that can be used as bullets your way....because they will.

Document every conversation that you may deem worthwhile, date, time and summary of the information (keep this in a safe place under lock and key, away from the house if possible, same with all your legal documentation) and or carry a VAR with lapel microphone.

Best speak with your L as well - to gather advice, they've been there done it and got the t-shirt.

Try not to give her the satisfaction knowing your nervous / under pressure, be cool, 180!!! and if things are getting tense or heated politely excuse yourself from the situation.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

@Danny4133

I have documented everything since the beginning. Once she told me about the affair, I wrote down every detail, all my discoveries, all the lies, recorded legally all pertinent conversations and will continue until this is over. I love how she twists things around and I go back to my files and laugh because I know its a lie. I'm playing cool now and just letting her do her thing. No questions and no more emotional break downs. I want her her in la la land until this is over. My kids and me have suffered enough. 



Who needs a signature?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Confusedandalone, 

you have have our support and help if you need it...your not alone.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Confusedandalone,
> 
> you have have our support and help if you need it...your not alone.


Thanks.

Who needs a signature?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Do not get confrontational.
Do not argue - even if she is dead wrong.
Do not try to correct anything she says.
Keep all evidence and legal correspondence stored some place other than your house.
If she asks a question about anything - "I'll run it by my lawyer" or "I'll have to think about that" should be your standard answer. Remember - she could have a VAR too.
Stay out of the house and away from her when possible.
Lock your bedroom door at night.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Well I finally have my court date....2 1/2 weeks and I am officially divorcing this evil person. So much has happened since than. I look forward to finally begin healing. To all the posters that offered advice I really appreciate it. I made some mistakes and utlimately paid the price that almost cost me everything. I truely hope anyone going through this or anything similar, heed my warning. Pay attention to the advice given by these people that went through it. Some will be hard to do but you will be better off. I will update once she's gone and out. It will be a business relationship of raising the kids. Thanks again!

Who needs a signature?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Good news. By the way, what mistakes did you make that almost cost you everything ? Or can you not say yet?

Also you never did say how she met this guy, if he was married, how you discovered it, what you discovered and if she ever gave you details of what she did etc.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

confusednAlone said:


> Well I finally have my court date....2 1/2 weeks and I am officially divorcing this evil person. So much has happened since than. I look forward to finally begin healing. To all the posters that offered advice I really appreciate it. I made some mistakes and utlimately paid the price that almost cost me everything. I truely hope anyone going through this or anything similar, heed my warning. Pay attention to the advice given by these people that went through it. Some will be hard to do but you will be better off. I will update once she's gone and out. It will be a business relationship of raising the kids. Thanks again!
> 
> Who needs a signature?


I hope you get through the next couple of weeks and get her out of your house.

You seemed so strong and prepared for what was coming, I am surprised that you made a mistake so bad that it almost cost you everything. I am curious as to what these mistakes could have been.

Come back with an update when you can. Luck to you.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

I didnt realize I didn't post the details. Might have done it another thread. I will say that we were in the process of staying together. She didn't really show remorse but cried and said sorry multiple times and said she wanted to stay together. I used my pychological background to feel her out. I'm no expert but I studied how the mind works. I just didn't use it on her or thought to keep myself on guard more until it was too late. Anyway, through her responses and stating that she wouldn't have any further contact, I just didn't buy it. 

I went ahead and followed my gut. I wont mention how i got the information until the divorce is over but not even a week later, my heart was broken again, despite knowing what I would hear it was still a shock and hurt badly. I of course lied and told her I confirmed by other means and sure enough she admitted that she was in contact with op. The worse was she still didn't want to divorce.


What I will say is she cleary was not the woman I thought she was and openly wanted her cake and all. Disgusts me to think about it. 

Now the part where I screwed up. Despite countless no's and don't do it. I still remained intimate with her and let my emotions get the best of me. She went out for a quick run on night a few weeks back, I got jealous and paronoid because she took way too long. I went looking for her and found her on the side of the road on her phone.

This lead to an argument and her family, cops and the whole neighborhood watching. They literally came over. I was basically accused of domestic violence even though I didn't touch her. She was the one acting crazy and drunk no less. I was perfectly sober and calm. Yet the stupid cops gave her a domestic violence form and complaint if she wanted. 

My jaw dropped in disbelief. I demanded that she leave immediately and she didn't and said she wasn't signing anything. Ripped up the forms and begged for me to let her stay until the divorce is over. My kids were so upset and crying they thought I was going to jail for something I didnt do. Well it didnt happen. That's why I almost lost everything I worked for. I would have lost the house, kids and support. 

I have been detached since than and have not allowed myself to show any sign of giving a damn except for one time when I couldn't help but snoop and glad I did bc I discovered she was messing with another guy. Just more fuel if I needed it. She want to have this perfect image to the kids that she's a good woman and blah blah. 

Well that's the jist of it. My court date is days away and I'm ready to be free of one ball and chain that actually was killing me. 


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Oh I almost forgot, once she got the court date, she dropped. She is in the shock mode right now. I guess reality is settling in. I told her this is just the beginning. The worst is yet to come. Once she moves out and lives that life she wanted so much than she will see if it was worth it. I already told her I wouldnt be there waiting as I have plans to start over elsewhere once I get my life back in order. 

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Well we got into it and I removed all her photos around the house. I am exhausted beyond belief. I just told her I'm finished with the little games and time to move on. I am changing my mentality moving forward and just going to do it day by day. I found myself too concerned with the what ifs and how will this be. I just have to live it and see. I need to start enjoying life again without her in it. Wish me luck. I will update later as this hits the divorce date. Any questions feel free to ask. You all have been amazing and I appreciate the support!! 

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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

I wish you and your children all the best moving forward.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Less than a day away and I had a temporary break down. I started crying, couldn't breathe, heart was racing and I couldn't move. I had to let it out and I'm sure more days will be like this. I just can't believe I got soo weak out of nowhere. Tg she didn't hear me or see it. I'm really trying to hold it together. I'm almost at the finish line and than a new race will begin. One that will be much more enjoyable than the last one. I will make a final update soon after and than maybe another one in the future just to let everyone know that has supported and commented what is going on! Hopefully more happy than sad times to talk about. 

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Capricious said:


> I wish you and your children all the best moving forward.


Thank you!

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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know it's scary and you probably have all of these doubts but you're doing so much better than the majority of BHs that come here. Don't let her have the pleasure of knowing she still has power of you. If you need to cry, step outside. You need to vent, post on TAM. This site is gold to those needing a place for guidance or just a sounding board. 

You're wife, like @jefe123 's and @Walleye 's WWs, wants to put her desire for her "soulmate" ahead of the needs of her marriage & children. So it's up to you to fight for them to have at least 1 parent that still puts their needs 1st. 

I bet no one is calling her on her behavior. Probably has some friends egging her on to be "true to her heart" and put "your needs 1st for a change" and other such garbage woman are fed. What she needs to hear is that she's a selfish b!tch who's harming her children. 

Eventually kids will want to know why it is that their family broke apart. They may be to young to understand now, but it all comes out. They will be deeply scared knowing that their mother chose wh0ring over being a wife to their dad and a mother to them. I just wanted to send you a virtual man hug and a pat on the back on holding it together for your kids.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Thound said:


> This!!!
> 
> I doubt you were all that bad, but when the love of your life tells you something like that, you tend to accept it as gospel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think once you have some distance, OP, you'll see that the truth about any mistakes you made lies somewhere in between how you thought you were doing and how she thought you were doing - in other words, maybe you could have spent more time with her or listened to her more or romanced her more. And when you're ready to move on one day, you can carry that lesson into your next (hopefully more healthy) relationship. But my comment is IN NO WAY intended as an invitation to beat yourself up. You didn't cause her cheating. She cheated. That's on her. Beyond that, all you can do is take anything you learned and bring it with you, leaving the baggage behind as much as possible. I did plenty of things wrong during my marriage, but I didn't MAKE my husband cheat. That's a ****ty decision he made all on his own. Same for your wife. 

A lot of folks on this forum will tell you, being cheated on by the person you thought loved you, and who you loved, fundamentally changes you. It means a fundamental shift in your view of the world, relationships, love, and how we treat and trust people. You can't sort through all of this without some sort of help - go see a counselor, priest, rabbi, whatever your flavor, but you need to get help during all of these to be strong and heal for you AND for your kids.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

This is normal, as you are morning the loss of a special relationship. This really has little to do with missing her per se, as it is the relationship that should have been that you are missing. Once the legal things are over and she is out, you and the kids will fall in a routine and a sense of normalcy. You will still have good and bad days, but the bad will become less and less over time. Take time now to review the relationship and look at things that you could have done better and apply them to your next relationship. Take your time and enjoy life for a while, it is a brave new world out there.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Well the day has arrived and behind me. We our officially divorced, and despite my assumptions that she was up to something she didn't say a word. The judgement came and was done. We went our seperate ways and spoke about future visitation for her and how it work moving forward. I told her to stop pretending and stop texting me daily unless its about the kids. She would text and write some little lines. I don't see the point and wont help me heal any faster. She is ready to move out and I am ready to prepare myself for a new future. Not sure what path I might take or where the road will lead but it wont be with her and that is where I need to be. 


Thinking back, I cant believe the 4 months that passed since that dreadful day in June when she admitted what she did until now. So many downs and so many tears. I'm not done shedding them and I'm sure I wont be done with the downs either. I thank all that gave their insight from your own experiences. I hope to one day return that favor based on what I have learned and experienced to somone just in as much need as I was.



Lastly, I just really didn't expect to be that guy that wouldn't have a lasting marriage but I rather be single and alone than married and a fool. Good luck to all and thank you soo much for everything!

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Those Jersey gals, amirite?


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Those Jersey gals, amirite?


lol Did I mention my state? Yeah I plan on moving south or west.... I'm raising my girls to be different and respectful. I know I cant force their decisions when they get older but I sure as hell will remind them the pain that comes with it. I think it might be the water too. Makes everyone whacky.....  

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

State is on the left, under your picture.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

Herschel said:


> State is on the left, under your picture.


Oh yeah I forgot about that...

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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

confusednAlone said:


> Well the day has arrived and behind me. We our officially divorced, and despite my assumptions that she was up to something she didn't say a word. The judgement came and was done. We went our seperate ways and spoke about future visitation for her and how it work moving forward. I told her to stop pretending and stop texting me daily unless its about the kids. She would text and write some little lines. I don't see the point and wont help me heal any faster. She is ready to move out and I am ready to prepare myself for a new future. Not sure what path I might take or where the road will lead but it wont be with her and that is where I need to be.
> 
> 
> Thinking back, *I cant believe the 4 months that passed since that dreadful day in June when she admitted what she did until now. So many downs and so many tears. I'm not done shedding them and I'm sure I wont be done with the downs either. *I thank all that gave their insight from your own experiences. I hope to one day return that favor based on what I have learned and experienced to somone just in as much need as I was.
> ...


I'm sorry it had to end this way. I know your heart hurts from the destruction of your marriage. The vows you took, obviously meant something to you and now you look at your children and it must rip your heart to know, now they'll grow up in a broken home. 

It is time to be completely selfish. Other than your kids, put yourself 1st. 
They need a strong dad. Continue to post on TAM. There's a lot of collective wisdom or just a virtual ear on this board. I pray that God gives you wisdom and strength.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

confusednAlone said:


> Oh yeah I forgot about that...
> 
> Who needs a signature?


Is that Jersey USA or Jersey in the English Channel? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Is that Jersey USA or Jersey in the English Channel?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Usa... I can't change it :/ 

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

So today is my first day at work without my weddding ring. As stupid as it sounds, I was actually worried about it. I guess I still am. I deal with a lot of close co-workers and I'm also a private guy around the building. Only a few have even met my exw. I just don't want to deal with the questions if any. I don't want to or willing to talk about it other than here. 

On another note, she went out last night with her mom and got trashed. She is still living with me until this weekend. She has been on the couch and I lock the bedroom door. Well I forgot to last night and she crawled, slithered her way into the bed and before long I was awoken to her drunk slurred words and her tugging my pants down. 


She even asked me if I had condoms...I mean I told her weeks ago I wouldn't sleep with her because i was afraid of catching something and we were still married at the time so she said well get condoms for next time! 


I know I messed up and should of kicked her out or booted her from the bedroom right away but I felt bad for her. She's a mess. Plus I don't like the kids seeing her like that so I told her sleep it off in the bed. 3 days to go and she moves out. I will change the locks and remind her my bedroom is off limits. I mean we're divorced.... wth is wrong with her. Let me heal in peace!! 

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She is broken. That is what is wrong.

This is going to be a long 3 days.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> She is broken. That is what is wrong.
> 
> This is going to be a long 3 days.


Yes it will be. 

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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

confusednAlone said:


> Yes it will be.
> 
> Who needs a signature?


What are you going to do when she doesn't leave in 3 days.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

honcho said:


> What are you going to do when she doesn't leave in 3 days.


She has no choice. It was on the divorce final judgement signed by the judge and her. Originally it stated she would leave when the divorce was final. The judge didnt like that and asked for a date so we both agreed to that date. She's in for a rude awakening cause the kids told me when she leaves they don't want to spend time with her at her love shack. Lol I didn't say a word to them about it. They don't want to and that's fine by me. 

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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Confused And Alone,

Unbelievable. ! If I read it right, she wanted you to use condoms because she would not stop banging her boyfriend??? Maybe I misunderstood that? N ow you will see what happens when OM dumps her ass. If you think she's off the rails now, wait until it hits her and she finds pout she was just a sperm receptacle.

Don't worry about the ring thing. You did nothing to be ashamed of, and you are not the first person in that workplace to get divorced or have had their spouse cheat on them. Hold your head high.

Your kids know what she has done and what she is. She does not realize that but it will follow her for a long long time. And she cannot sugar coat it.

Now make like a NASCAR driver and start the engine and proceed full speed ahead to put her far into the rear view mirror. The best revenge is to make yourself happy and you can do that.

You have learned from your experience, as most of us have. When you are healed you can help others by returning here and offering up the knowledge that you have acquired.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

HER MOM took her out and got her drunk then dumped her at your house?

Sounds like her Mom is as crazy as she is.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Confused And Alone,
> 
> Unbelievable. ! If I read it right, she wanted you to use condoms because she would not stop banging her boyfriend??? Maybe I misunderstood that? N ow you will see what happens when OM dumps her ass. If you think she's off the rails now, wait until it hits her and she finds pout she was just a sperm receptacle.
> 
> ...


No I said it long ago after I discovered the affair and demanded she get tested. Because orignally we were going to try R but she lied so before that I made the comment, I would have to use condoms with her because she's tainted. Than after it was apparent we were not staying together, she asked is it alright if I come over and **** you. I said no but if I did let you, I would use one (no intention of sleeping with her again). I said it as a shot about how I looked at her now. So she said it because she remembered me saying that. I do not expect this guy to go anywhere he's got a trophy for him, she pays for things and has no real money obligations so he's using the hell out of her. Plus shes a sexual freak and he's a loser punk. That's the new her and he will use it up until he realizes she is bad news, which he should know already but I guess he doesn't care or too naive to see it. She will never stop being a cheater. That I know. I flat out told her I want no drama and want my peace with the kids. Thats it, when she's gone she gone. Kids talk and that's all. Im dealing with it now because I'm nice and court ordered to allow her to stay for 3 days. After that, I wish her the best and my success will be living a happy and better life without her in mine directly. 

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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> HER MOM took her out and got her drunk then dumped her at your house?
> 
> Sounds like her Mom is as crazy as she is.


I mean she took her mom out. Her mom is actually a nice lady. Very quite and humble, she's very upset about the whole thing. She told her not to date right away and be a mother. She has no idea the daughter she has. I would expose her but shes already heart broken so no further damage is needed. Not from me at least.


I also should add that no she was not dumped, she drives drunk. I'm not just talking trash, I mean that was another issue that arose prior to the discovery, during and currently. She drinks a lot now and drives in this state. So much so that I had ban her from drinking in the house around the kids. Like I said before she's a hot mess! 

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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm worried about the potential for more conflict in the next 3 days, as reality/finality starts to hit her. Is there any way you and the girls could spend 3 nights in a hotel? Make a little vacation out of it? She's really slowly going off the rails. She's started to realize that she's ruined her own life and desperation is setting in. At the very least, maybe you and the girls should sleep in the same room of the house for a few days. This will make her less likely to approach you, and they can serve as witnesses if she tries for the DV angle again.


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

@confusednAlone 

You took swift action Brother and I applaud you wholeheartedly for it. 
When she's skedaddled out the house the real healing can begin, just remember a few things, - we are all here to support you, you are not alone, you are not your XW carer or shoulder to lean on. Now's the time for you to move forwards and make a success of this next chapter for you and your children. They'll remember a strong pappie who lead from the front to protect him - and them from all this chaos, they need your stability and it's clear your XW isn't at all stable. 

Please stay in touch as we want to hear how you're getting along. 

All the best


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

confusednAlone said:


> I mean she took her mom out. Her mom is actually a nice lady. Very quite and humble, she's very upset about the whole thing. She told her not to date right away and be a mother. She has no idea the daughter she has. I would expose her but shes already heart broken so no further damage is needed. Not from me at least.
> 
> 
> I also should add that no she was not dumped, she drives drunk. I'm not just talking trash, I mean that was another issue that arose prior to the discovery, during and currently. She drinks a lot now and drives in this state. So much so that I had ban her from drinking in the house around the kids. Like I said before she's a hot mess!
> ...


I think her Mom needs to know the whole story. Your STBXW will eventually get the kids alone. Her Mom needs to know everything so she can be on the look out for behavior that could hurt the kids. By thinking you are avoiding hurting your STBXW or her Mom with the truth, you are really placing your kids in harm's way. If you do not bring her Mom up to speed, your STBXW will continue to lie to her about her OM and that can only be bad for the kids. Don't do that.


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

@Tatsuhiko 2 girls one boy and no they been through enough. She hasn't drank since the incident but her usual drunk Friday is tomorrow, so I'm planning on going out and if that doesn't happen I will definately be knocked out asleep with the door locked and var running. 


@ (Danny4143) Thanks for the support and kind words. I will most certainly keep this updated from time to time. I promise it will not be daily, lol. Just a happy page to add to this what I consider the worst hurt and worse part of my life and hopefully the last...


@TDSC60 she is the XW now not stbxw, but I appreciate your outlook and direct approach. Her mom is aware that she cheated to my knowledge however she doesnt know the extent and shame her daughter caused my family and our kids. And that she is with another om currently despite her telling everyone except a few that know the whole truth that she just didnt love me anymore...


My kids are older and very much aware of what is right and what is wrong. They have been advised to contact me immediately if something is up and they text and call me regularly with updates when they are with her. Where one child misses something another one picks it up and lets me know. Plus she doesnt really stay with them, she usually just hangs out with other family wives and talks crap about me and the other husbands. I know this because well I know this. Lol Anyway, her mom has to live with the failed marriage. As do we all.

On a foot note, when she first was pregnant her mom, father demanded I marry her and warned her I looked like a cheater because I was young and handsome. I denied their demand and took my time. I married later on that year bc I wanted to and I did it in a church because that's the way I was raised. I proved them wrong in the end. I wasn't the cheater she was. They just pointed the finger at the wrong person. 16 years to prove you are not someone they thought you would be is my final smile to them. Thanks to all and I will be back!!


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

I feel stupid for posting again but I was reading through and I wanted to make sure since some of you have been posting since I started that I answered most questions before I take a delay in responding. 


She met Om at work. She does nothing all day. I mean I found out later that nothing meant, doing the deed with him instead of working. She was supposed to be like an assistant in the office and make deliveries. Of course I never thought anything about it because the workers were off limits. 


That's one thing I stressed before she took the job. I said it's too free loose of a job with little supervision and i didn't want her getting hit on all the time. 


That's how it happened. Despite her telling me she rarely left the office. One guy caught her eye and flirtation led to the affair. 

Typical beginning, he advances she declines at first, he continues and she caves because I wasn't showing her love. He took advantage and said the whole song and dance about I will take care of you blah blah


It also buried her with the kids when I found out the truth and outed her. She of course tried to lie and told me it was another guy from the past job but I gained all the facts and used them to my advantage. 

I felt the kids needed to know the truth so I told them. They were mortified and disgusted. She used the family car to have sex with him and my kids were in that car all the time. 

All this led her to give up on even trying to fight for the house and kids. Plus I knew alot more. 

A little more long winded than I planned but hoped that answered some questions and now that the divorce is behind me. I have no reason to fear that leverage being posted. 

In the end and based on her actions. I had two choices, walk away and pay her to live her fantasy world and have my visitation scheduled or keep the kids away from her and not pay anything. 


Plus they openly told her they didn't want to live or be with her. Even now she doesn't know that they just told me they don't even want to visit her when she moves. I haven't told her yet. Im waiting for to move for that one. 


I'm not all for it since I do believe they need their mother but I support them not her. I told them when they are ready they can do what they like with her until than its dads crappy dinners everyday.


It will be a long road for all of us. My family of 5 is now 4. She's in the picture but at a distance and I'm okay with that as long as my kids are.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

confusednAlone said:


> She used the family car to have sex with him and my kids were in that car all the time.


Ugh, car affair sex, hate it, am triggering! !!!


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## confusednAlone (Aug 15, 2016)

It's been 24 hours and she has moved out. I had to move around some stuff because the closet was so empty. Im not gonna lie, as much crap as I went through and as much pain as I felt. I do miss her and will feel empty for a long time. Taking every ounce to not break down and cry. She left and said sorry. I haven't seen her since and wont until she comes for the kids tomorrow. 

I just wanted to give this last update for awhile since coming here makes me mad and sad at the same time. Even reading other peoples situations triggers my emotions and I so wish I could help those posters since I learned a lot through my own experiences.

That day will come but not now and not anytime soon. I make a vow to myself to not only be happy but to be happier than I ever have been. I know words are easy and I have a long way to go with possibly some more heartache but I will have no choice but to make it happen.

I thank you all for everything and sorry you had to read my sad story that was part of my life. I'm grateful to the advice, support and information I was given since joining this community. It helped big time. 

Next post will be a long ways from now and I will be posting an update on how things are going. Kids are good so far and haven't showed too much emotion other than a few tears when she said goodbye. 

Take care all... not goodbye but see you later!!!!


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

Anytime you want to talk rant, shoot the breeze please post, or PM, I know this is hard brother, I know this. Your in a sea of emotion right now, but now she's gone the real healing can begin, it will get easier. 

Please try to do a little each day to move forward, be it take a walk with the kids, go visit family and friends, do something for YOU each day. Get that calender filled with stuff to do, plan ahead a holiday and something nice for you and the kids to look forward to. 

Remember you are valued, this is all on her, it's her issue. You're in my prayers sir.


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