# Why is it that they want to hurt you?



## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

What makes a separated spouse want to intentionally hurt you?
I don't understand why a spouse who not too long ago could love you so much and be "in love with you" wants to do what they can to hurt you.

For example, my wife moved out on the 22nd, the day she moved out she started sending me freak out texts saying "I cant live without you. I made a mistake. I want to go to marriage counseling" to a week later completely deleting all my pix off of social media! Changing her martial status! I didn't say anything to her, she has hurt me enough the past few weeks, theres no way in he!! that I will let her know how it hurts me.

I don't get it. She left me. 

I'm sure I can't be the only one whose spouse is intentionally trying to hurt them.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

They have to demonize you, in order to justify their actions. No one really wants to believe they are the monster. So they make it your fault.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

they have turmoil inside of them, therefore they want you to have it too

and they will stop at nothing to see that you have it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jharm said:


> What makes a separated spouse want to intentionally hurt you?
> I don't understand why a spouse who not too long ago could love you so much and be "in love with you" wants to do what they can to hurt you.
> 
> For example, my wife moved out on the 22nd, the day she moved out she started sending me freak out texts saying "I cant live without you. I made a mistake. I want to go to marriage counseling" to a week later completely deleting all my pix off of social media! Changing her martial status! I didn't say anything to her, she has hurt me enough the past few weeks, theres no way in he!! that I will let her know how it hurts me.
> ...


She left you on the 22nd.

Then sent you txts saying she wanted to get back with you.

You ignored her txts

So she took down pics from Facebook.


Ok so she got your message. What's the problem?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP seems a bit Co dependant. His wife is a waw that still gets emotional support from OP at times and can't seem to make up her mind. OP is having a hard time implementing the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

Going No Contact. And Staying No Contact. - ChumpLady.com


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> She left you on the 22nd.
> 
> Then sent you txts saying she wanted to get back with you.
> 
> ...






Sorry I guess I didn't clarify. When she texted me saying she wanted to get back together, I immediately agreed.. as the week went on she began barely texting me (while still saying she wanted to go to counseling) she wouldn't see me, she was being rude and nasty to me and then told me she doesn't think she wants to do counseling THEN i stopped texting her. I was in a great place before she left me, I had accepted the fact that she was moving on. I had 6 weeks to accept it, she got the apt 6 weeks before she moved out...


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> OP seems a bit Co dependant. His wife is a waw that still gets emotional support from OP at times and can't seem to make up her mind. OP is having a hard time implementing the 180.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yup. I was having a hard time implementing 180 but the last few days when I actually started it, I have felt better. It feels good not letting her treat me like I am scum. 

You have to understand that I am 32 now and she was my first real love. I never ever wanted to get married before I met her and I fell for her and went on to marry her. We went from literally, trying to have a baby for 2 months and almost closing on a house to I'm leaving you. No in between.. nothing. So of course I am having a really hard time with this. It came out of no where. 

I made the fatal mistakes of begging and pleading but I have picked myself up off of the ground and feel better. Of course, I am still hurt and struggle but I have started the 180. It isn't the easiest thing I have done in my life but I have realized that not talking to her, I actually feel so much better.

I know I will get to where I need to be one of these days, but as you all know it takes time.

But what I don't get is why is she intentionally out to hurt me? I have noticed that exes do this to people, but why??


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Maybe she is selfish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

JHarm... this thread was started by one of the all-time greats of TAM

Very sage advice here. When you come to TAM you learn more from

other people's threads than your own. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/155305-weeds-codependence-3.html


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Over time your perspective will change. 

You'll go from "why is she intentionally trying to hurt me" to "why would I let what someone else does or says hurt me".


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## workingatit (Nov 13, 2012)

I have been through this and can relate - but I can say from experience, it is NOT YOU and she is not necessarily intentionally hurting you. For my husband - who was doing the same thing - it was about him protecting himself. It made me crazy ---- and at the time I took it all personally. 

But because he did not want to come back to a marriage that he felt would not change for the better - his way to handle it was to protect himself and tell himself he did not want it to work -- but clearly he did because he is back.

There is a lot of conflict -- and everyone handles it differently. I cried and begged (until TAM members smacked me around) --- he said he wanted out and put up a wall. 

What worked for us was the NO CONTACT.....no texting, no calling, no nothing.....which was step one in him seeing "a change". 

It sounds like you are just starting that process.......

But DO NOT believe for a second she is purposely hurting you --- unless you have been a real jerk to her I doubt that is the case.

Ultimately my husband apologized for acting that way ---- 

Remember they are going through a lot too ---- and sometimes since it i sthe marriage causing the stress --- they are automatically going to take it all out on you....

Hang in there...and just concentrate on YOU right now......that is ultimately what saved my marriage......


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

workingatit said:


> I have been through this and can relate - but I can say from experience, it is NOT YOU and she is not necessarily intentionally hurting you. For my husband - who was doing the same thing - it was about him protecting himself. It made me crazy ---- and at the time I took it all personally.
> 
> But because he did not want to come back to a marriage that he felt would not change for the better - his way to handle it was to protect himself and tell himself he did not want it to work -- but clearly he did because he is back.
> 
> ...


I will make up another user name just to like this post twice


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

workingatit said:


> I have been through this and can relate - but I can say from experience, it is NOT YOU and she is not necessarily intentionally hurting you. For my husband - who was doing the same thing - it was about him protecting himself. It made me crazy ---- and at the time I took it all personally.
> 
> But because he did not want to come back to a marriage that he felt would not change for the better - his way to handle it was to protect himself and tell himself he did not want it to work -- but clearly he did because he is back.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. You make me feel better. I am day 4 of no contact and I have that urge to text her but I keep coming to these forums for a reality check and to NOT text her... Although, I did have to text her this morning about an important piece of mail that came for her.. Do you think that I messed it up now with that text? It was strictly about that piece of mail.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

workingatit said:


> I have been through this and can relate - but I can say from experience, it is NOT YOU and she is not necessarily intentionally hurting you. For my husband - who was doing the same thing - it was about him protecting himself. It made me crazy ---- and at the time I took it all personally.
> 
> But because he did not want to come back to a marriage that he felt would not change for the better - his way to handle it was to protect himself and tell himself he did not want it to work -- but clearly he did because he is back.
> 
> ...


and I definitely wasn't a jerk to her, I did the usual cry, beg, and plead for her. Annoy the crap out of her with the "why don't you care about me" texts, which I know pushed her away more that is why I jumped on the no contact right away. 

Our issue in the marriage was that she says I was mean to and would make her cry, which I did but I honestly thought it was normal relationship stuff. I never hit hurt, called her names, yelled at her, cheated on her. I would just say things I didn't mean. Which is wrong. I was never good at controlling my anger. As soon as she told 5 months ago that she was thinking of leaving, the next day I was enrolled in therapy and completely stopped drinking. By the time she moved out (2 weeks ago today), she saw a change in me but she says that she just doesn't think/know if she can ever forgive me. 

So last weekend when I was bombarding her with texts about how hurt I was, she got really angry saying "you have turned this all around about how hurt YOU are. You don't see how much you have hurt me". I see her point. So I know that she is just really angry with me and hurt. 

The confusing part is that the day she moved out and the 4 days following she was saying she wanted to enroll in individual and couples therapy and she doesn't want to live without me. But my annoying "poor me" texts have pushed her away and pushed her to the point of I can't forgive you. The day she deleted my every existence off of social media, she told me that she is still in love with me. That has been constant since she first told me about her wanting to leave, back in august. She has always told me she was in love with me and has cried a lot. Even the day before she moved out, she was a complete mess. 

I don't want to make her sound like she is a bad person by "intentionally" trying to hurt me bc like you said she isn't. I didn't see it your way until you just explain your story to me. It is just hard for me to grasp - this whole situation bc it came out of nowhere!! We literally were house hunting and then she said she was thinking of leaving me. No in between. So I am having a hard time letting go. I can admit that. I am doing better than I was a week ago but it is a slow healing process. I truly love this woman.

So again, thank you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Jharm...at first it is hard. But each day it gets easier. Usually when it gets easier,

is when you see more attempts to contact you. That is what happened to

me in Jan. '13. I'm actually in the same boat again, she and I dated since Jan '13

to about a month ago. I firmly stated I wanted things to work out.

We have been NC for about three weeks now. One contact about her mail,

I would not let her know she has mail here, that is up to her. But I told Xgf (email) I was

not okay with her stopping by to get it. I told her I will meet her daughter and give it to her.

Was that a reach for her? Maybe. But she has yet to prove anything.

When she is ready to try and work things out, she will beat down door, throw 

pride to the side....and that is what she would have to do, to get my attention.

Would I take her back, I honestly don't know. But I would be willing

to have a sit-down if she showed true remorse for her actions near the end

of the relationship. BTW...there was no cheating, no EA.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

How long did you guys go thru no contact before they reached out to you?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

on the mail thing, 2 weeks. but if you read my 2 older blogs...it goes into

more detail with my XW. The two links to the earlier threads are at the beginning

of my current, third one. But in my case, she did things completely out

of character to get me to hate her. It didn't work but that "glow" I saw in her,

disappeared in the end. When people show you who they are, believe them.

But in the beginning, she was something very special. So....which one will emerge...

nobody knows, not ever her. I will leave links if you want to check them out, none

are long. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/61735-normal-fell-way.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/64013-crossroads-sink-swim.html


Edit: D exW 2 years ago. The current break up was not my XW. Sorry if confusing


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

well bc my wife and I have 50 plus mutual friends on facebook (i blocked her so that I'm not tempted to look at her page), a bunch of them messaged me to ask what the deal was bc she changed her last name back to her maiden name on there... ouch. 

whats the point of that.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I'd be GLAD if my ex took her maiden name back! I worked hard for my good name and reputation.

FB - block, change your relationship status, be done with it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe she is dumb enough to think if she changes her name on Facebook she legaly changed her name for real?


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

the guy said:


> Maybe she is dumb enough to think if she changes her name on Facebook she legaly changed her name for real?


lol.. quite possible.. Did I ever mention that she's 23..


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Jhurt.....aside from my college love, I never dated women in their 20's.

For a reason


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> Jhurt.....aside from my college love, I never dated women in their 20's.
> 
> For a reason


I will stick to 26 and up. I'm 32. I don't what the heck I was thinking getting with someone so young... other than she is smoking hot.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your eyes can deceive you young Padawan. I always dated older.

Less drama, less games, settled, appreciate things, oh and I forgot...

experienced.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

I don't get the petty stuff. 

So we are on the same health insurance bc I can't drop her without a divorce or until she gets on her own. So I had to contact her to ask her to do that.. So I did it by text bc she is too immature to answer my call. Anyway, so before she moved out and she got on her own bank account, she ASKED for my help to set up her geico and phone bill to automatically come out of her account. Yesterday, she says "how did you set up those bills to come out of my account". I told her that she had given me her bank information to do it. Then replies with "next time ask me before you set that up, I dont need you in my account"... Ummmmm wtf!! Does she not remember that she ASKED me to do it and in fact she sat on the bed next to me and watched me do it!!!! 

Lol, I don't get that petty bs. Why would she want to TRY to hurt me with her bs.. It doesn't hurt me, it just makes me angry.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I know you hurt, I've traveled that road. Every one here has

but at this moment, you must treat her as a business partner.

If you and I started up a vintage ballcard company and you thought

I was skimming the profits....what would you do? Replace me with her

and treat her as such.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

I just hate that I have to deal with her at all. It is hurtful that someone says they are in love with you but can be so nasty and hateful!!! 

Really though, I have made great progress in my healing. I definitely don't think about her as much and I don't hurt nearly as much as I did 2 weeks ago. She is just showing me what kind of person she really is.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I can relate so well....even though we have what, 15 years difference.

Hurt is hurt period. It does get better....I experienced it. It just so happens I am still in

the same mudhole as before. But no matter how your NFL team is......

you must take the chance of winning and losing, to find out, what you are made of.

It's all chance. But it sure as he!! beats the sitting in sorrow brother.

Discover the you.....others will see it. And yes, she will too.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Could I suggest that the next time she "asks" you to do anything, respectfully decline. She wants her freedom and with that comes its own responsibility. Let her figure life out. Sometimes she will sink and sometimes she won't, but you have to find a way to not be there to pick up her pieces.

Its hard at first. It gets easier.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

when she uses you as Plan B....go silent.

let her speculate for a change


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Jharm said:


> What makes a separated spouse want to intentionally hurt you?
> I don't understand why a spouse who not too long ago could love you so much and be "in love with you" wants to do what they can to hurt you.
> 
> For example, my wife moved out on the 22nd, the day she moved out she started sending me freak out texts saying "I cant live without you. I made a mistake. I want to go to marriage counseling" to a week later completely deleting all my pix off of social media! Changing her martial status! I didn't say anything to her, she has hurt me enough the past few weeks, theres no way in he!! that I will let her know how it hurts me.
> ...


Okay,
You actually have two questions here.
1.	Why does she want to hurt me?
It’s pretty simple. Children when hurt, will sometimes try to communicate the feeling they are feeling by making the OTHER person feel like they do. It’s called resonance and its sometimes used by people who don’t know how to express what they are feeling. It can also be anger expressed to you in an attempt to shed it from themselves. Both of these are subconscious.

2.	Why did she behave the way she did?
She was expecting you to bite on her texts about reconciliation. In her mind, you were supposed to play out the grand love scene where you both argue terribly, but then a miracle happens and you decide to reconcile. Nothing but puerile, Walking Disney crap…
Now she continues along the path and decides in a huff “If he doesn’t want me, then I don’t want him.” Then she deletes you off her social stuff and changes her name for attention.
“Waaaahhhhhhh Pooooorrrr Meeeeeee!!!!!”

This is a blatant attempt at garnering sympathy and opens the doors to your mutual friends to tell her side of the story BEFORE you do. It’s called “Image Management”…a favored tool of personality disorders.
When you friends ask just say “She packed up her stuff and left. I’m giving her time to cool off.”

Stay frosty and detach yourself. If the process is going to be given its full 10% chance to work, then you have to be willing to give up your marriage. 
EITHER WAY, the 180 will benefit you.

Think of it as a 100% chance to have steak tonight…with a 10% chance you might have fries and beer as well.

Uhmmmm….. steak….
:smthumbup:


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Her behavoir is without a doubt "poor me". All it is doing is making me angry. I haven't reached out to her in a few days at all. I find myself not really even thinking about her anymore. Of course, sometimes I do but I just think of all the bad sh!t that she has put me through. 

I feel good not being in contact with her. If I don't mean anything to her to want to reach out to me eventually and work on our marriage, then she is not worthy of me. 

Of course I have flaws of my own and I could have been better to her at times, or not done this or that but I have never once cheated on her, hit her, called her names, yelled at her... I am still lost as to why I am so bad that she just leaves without even trying! She has a lot of emtional internal issues that she needs to work out with herself before she will ever be happy with anyone. I was willing to stick by her side through that process but she decided to just leave.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Jharm said:


> Her behavoir is without a doubt "poor me". All it is doing is making me angry. I haven't reached out to her in a few days at all. I find myself not really even thinking about her anymore. Of course, sometimes I do but I just think of all the bad sh!t that she has put me through.
> 
> I feel good not being in contact with her. If I don't mean anything to her to want to reach out to me eventually and work on our marriage, then she is not worthy of me.
> 
> Of course I have flaws of my own and I could have been better to her at times, or not done this or that but I have never once cheated on her, hit her, called her names, yelled at her... I am still lost as to why I am so bad that she just leaves without even trying! She has a lot of emtional internal issues that she needs to work out with herself before she will ever be happy with anyone. I was willing to stick by her side through that process but she decided to just leave.


This resonates with me.
We both have flaws and we both have questions about why they left.
Like I said a thousand times before, you must give it time.
Use that time to work on yourself.
Polish yourself up and expose your awesomeness! 

Sometimes you simply cant help those you love.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I agree with SJ. For whatever reason she left, that was on her. She went through

the spiral, probably for months and never once...said a thing to you about it.

She has to own her POS tendencies...as do you Jharm. Everyone has the 

POS tendencies. You need to work on you...become a better man...

date...you may meet a woman who just makes you say 'stbx who?'

But it is all up to her. Even if she returns...there is no guarantee you would

take her back. My XW tried to several times. I had moved on.

In my current quagmire with UG...the same thing applies to her that applies to your stbx

we weren't M but lived together. Might as well say we were

Hang in there kid.


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Thanks guys. I have learned a lot about myself during all of this and what flaws of mine that I needed to focus on. I love going to my therapist bc we talk about the things that I can do better for my future relationships..

And I did meet a new girl but I am no where near ready to be a in relationship for a longgggg time. I will say though, it is nice having someone pay attention to me again, to want me.

Thanks for being here for me!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

a good IC will challenge you. many are there to collect co-pays


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## Jharm (Oct 20, 2014)

Well I'll be damned... nearly a week without contacting my wife at all, today I get a text

"I will always love you"

5 minutes later after no response from me:

"I'm glad you're happy".

I sent back "thx".


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Jharm said:


> Well I'll be damned... nearly a week without contacting my wife at all, today I get a text
> 
> "I will always love you"
> 
> ...


Dont do it again.
Next time ignore it.

This is how they hook you. Just a tiny bit of bait in the water...


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