# Anxiety in a relationship = Need Advice



## senseofclarity (Apr 18, 2011)

Hey all,

Long time reader, first time poster. 

Here's the deal. I have anxiety about losing my wife. More specifically, I worry about her leaving me for someone else. 

I have anxiety which breeds negative thoughts of her cheating or leaving me for someone else. 

It causes me to make negative comments to her, and to be critical of anything that I see as a possible threat to our relationship. I don't want to do this, but it just happens. 

It's causing her a lot of stress, and her patience is running out. I see a counselor, but it's a slow process to undo all of this that I've done for so long. My wife has suggested that I get on some medication to help with my anxiety. Maybe I need to, but I'm scared that it will cause me to not be able to get an erection. That would cause further anxiety. If I can't perform with my wife, then my anxiety would be even higher. 

I really want to try to beat this on my own, but I don't think at this point, that my wife would accept a change in me unless I'm on something. I've told her several times that I'll change my negative thinking, but then I go and make some stupid comment, and we're back to square one. 

She's really at the end of her rope, and I feel I may be losing her. 

Advice?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have anxiety and I hate the side affects of meds. If you are willing to put in the work there are natural ways to beat anxiety without meds. Diet, exercise, supplements, along with talk therapy. 

Here are some good books on the subject:

Amazon.com: The Mood Cure: The 4-Step Program to Take Charge of Your Emotions--Today (9780142003640): Julia Ross: Books

Amazon.com: This is Your Brain in Love: New Scientific Breakthroughs for a More Passionate and Emotionally Healthy Marriage (9780785228752): Dr. Earl Henslin, Dr. Daniel Amen: Books

This last one is a bit wordy but I'm going to put it in here because it was the first one I read. It appealed to me because it said "7 weeks" I figured I could do anything for 7 weeks. I followed it to the T and within 2 weeks my dh said I was like a new wife. It's pricey (lots of vitamins) so I don't do all of it now just as needed. The chapter on diet alone is worth the cost of the book.

Amazon.com: Depression-Free, Naturally: 7 Weeks to Eliminating Anxiety, Despair, Fatigue, and Anger from Your Life (9780345435170): Joan Mathews Larson: Books


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What does the anxiety stem from, or rather, why do you have a fear of abandonment, her leaevingyou?

Were you cheated on in the past? Were you left? Has she done something to make you lose trust in her in the past??? 

If so, then you have a good reason for feeling this way and would have to talk to her about it.

If not, then you still should talk to her about how you feel and consider getting couselling. Being jealous, insecure, & accusatory if shes' done nothing wrong could definitely be bad for your relationship and cause all kinds of problems. I was married to someone like that and it was not good.


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## senseofclarity (Apr 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What does the anxiety stem from, or rather, why do you have a fear of abandonment, her leaevingyou?
> 
> Were you cheated on in the past? Were you left? Has she done something to make you lose trust in her in the past???
> 
> ...


My ex-wife cheated on me both emotionally, and physically. My current wife hasn't done anything. I love her so much, and cannot imagine my life without her. 

I want her to believe in me, and to let me prove to her that I can beat this anxiety, and get my comments under control.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Everyone has all kinds of different feelings, some rational and some not. But it is whether or how you act on these feeling that makes all the difference. Acting out such as making negative comments is always inappropriate and even more so when it is caused by an illusion. One has to be in control of what they say.

Lots of people treat anxiety on their own using religion, meditation, hobbies, volunteer work, playing music ...

When you are firmly in your rational mind, make extra sure you apologize sincerely for all you have said, each and every negative comment. Sooner is better for this so you don't forget. Be contrite, say you wish you never said the bad thing and maybe share what you think is going on in your head that makes this happen. Makes sure you wife hears this message very clearly and it may help your anxiety and your marriage


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## senseofclarity (Apr 18, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Everyone has all kinds of different feelings, some rational and some not. But it is whether or how you act on these feeling that makes all the difference. Acting out such as making negative comments is always inappropriate and even more so when it is caused by an illusion. One has to be in control of what they say.
> 
> Lots of people treat anxiety on their own using religion, meditation, hobbies, volunteer work, playing music ...
> 
> When you are firmly in your rational mind, make extra sure you apologize sincerely for all you have said, each and every negative comment. Sooner is better for this so you don't forget. Be contrite, say you wish you never said the bad thing and maybe share what you think is going on in your head that makes this happen. Makes sure you wife hears this message very clearly and it may help your anxiety and your marriage


That's very good advice! Thank you! 

I've apologized countless times, but not really in this manner. 

I'm going to follow this advice.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I never had anxiety about ever losing my husband until early last year when a number of things happened in our relationship.

Then I went overboard and had to be involved in his ever-waking moment and almost drove him and myself crazy.

Irrational - yes

Justified at the time - I thought so

It had a lot to do with the security I felt in myself and how I felt about myself, not really him.

I started feeling old (I'll be 51 this year), that my youth had passed, that I was no longer good enough for him and that he could find someone better.

Once I got into counseling and discovered that I'm a pretty good gal, my confidence and self-esteem came back and once I felt better about myself, the anxiety of losing him disappeared.

Now I'm not worried at all - I know if I did lose him - I'll be okay.

And THAT is what took away the anxiety for me - finding myself again and loving me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Now I'm not worried at all - I know if I did lose him - I'll be okay.
> 
> And THAT is what took away the anxiety for me - finding myself again and loving me.


Good stuff


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

senseofclarity said:


> I've apologized countless times, but not really in this manner.


Me too and I learned the hard way. It's best to be direct, unconditional and own what you have said:

"I want you to know I'm really sorry I said ..."
"I apologize for saying ... and I really didn't mean it."
"I wish I had never said ... and I'd do anything to take it back."
"If I could take back saying ... I definitely would and I hope it never happens again."

Extra helpings of this stuff can go a long way in undoing the hurt


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## Got a great wife (Apr 23, 2013)

I am really sorry to hear about you anxiety. Men often have anxieties worrying about their wife cheating on them. My situation is a little different from yours but may help you. I do not worry about my wife cheating on me and I trust her 100%. The anxiety I have is worrying about her being seduced by another man and me never knowing about it. The anxiety got so bad I reached the point that I would rather it happen and know about it than to continue worrying about it in fear of never knowing about if it did. My fear became so great I didn't care if it happened as long as I knew about it. It wasn't her I worried about but honestly believed she could be easily seduced by the right man. One like I used to be who at one time was very good at seducing women. I finally decided if it ever happened I would not be able to blame her. My anxiety got so bad I almost told her if she wanted to have a one time thing with another man I was OK with it as long as she told me about it. I guess I sort of wanted to go ahead and get it over with. But I didn't tell her that because I was afraid she would think I didn't love her anymore and our marriage would really start going down hill from there. The anxiety got so bad I quit worrying about her being seduced and only worried about whether or not I would ever know it if it did happen. I finally reached breaking point and decided to talk to her about it while lying in bed one afternoon after having sex while just talking. I told her how much I was suffering I told her if it ever happened I would not blame her. I promised her if it ever happened I would not be upset or get mad about it if she promised to tell me if it did ever happen. I told her I trusted her but felt she could be easily seduced by the right man under the right circumstances. She said it would never happen and I told her anybody can be seduced under the right circumstances if the time and mood are right, and if the perfect guy came along and said just the right things. And I honestly believe that. After enough explaining she finally agreed. To seduce a woman all a man has to do is change her mind from not wanting to have sex to wanting to. After she realized how bad I was suffering she convinced me that she would tell me if it ever happened. Infidelity from women is higher these days than ever and continues to rise. So I decided to find a way to deal with it. Now I no longer worry about it happening for I honestly believe she will tell me if it ever does. Until it does I will not worry about it. If it ever does happen and she tells me about it I know we can talk about it with a good chance of saving our marriage. My suggestion is to talk to her and tell her how much you are suffering from it and let her know it is your love for her that causes you to worry so much. Find the right time to talk about it when you are both relaxed such as lying in bed some afternoon after having sex. Hopefully she will convince you that you will know if it ever happens. Giving her this space or freedom will detour her more from it happening than what you are doing now. Then don't be surprised if it never happens. Don't let something destroy your life and marriage that may never happen. Life is too short to worry about things that may never happen. As long as too people are honest with each other they can overcome anything. Good luck.


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