# What are you learning? What have you learned?



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Like myself, I am sure a lot of people on this board have been taking this time away from our spouses to do some personal work on ourselves.
If you have or are in the process, would you mind sharing what you've learned or are learning?

I am learning to be more grateful and appreciative to everyone in my life that I care about. I no longer take anyone for granted, and I feel through counseling I am learning to be a more genuine person.

I also have/had a horrible temper that resulted from depression & anxiety, and I took it upon myself to discuss my symptoms with my doctor and have finally been put on the right combination of meds to help stabilize my moods. I've been on so many antidepressants that I think I've tried them all, but none have had as positive of an effect on me. It has made all the difference in the world.

I used to come home from work and be p*ssed because my house was a mess and instantly start yelling, and now I make it a point to be in a decent mood (it's not always possible to be in a good mood, let's be honest) and greet my children with a smile.
My 15 year old son actually tells me he loves me! As any parent of a teenager can attest to, having your child willingly say that to you (without an ulterior motive)is rare.

I still have very bad days, and I also have good days. I still have a lot to learn and I probably always will..but this is just a start.

So, T.A.M.-what have you learned?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm reading the teachings of the Dalai Lama and resuming my old ways of being caring and loving, even to the undeserved (who will remain un-named). I've learned methods of protecting my soul from being stolen piece-meal under false pretences. Where did I put the key? Not telling!

Edited to add: my spouse is away for this whole mess, so no time 'taken away' from him. I'd also like to think that in a marriage, if spouses want to have free time, they could certainly choose to spend it improving their marriage and self, without having it counted as 'time that could have been spent with spouse'. Sigh, just a trigger for me. Having my 'free time' be up for grabs by spouse.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm learning that if i want love I give love .. Also learning to love despite how I'm treated and despite Pain... great question by the way


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I have been thinking about this lately, actually. I have learned:

1. My life really isn't that different without soon to be ex. We have been living apart for a year and I got to a point where I would rather have my nose in a TV show than talk to him.

2. I was getting quite unhealthy. We went out to bars and restaurants all the time out of boredom. We rarely did anything on our weekends other than feed our faces. I drink less, eat better and dropped like 5lbs and not out of depression.

3. I'm not actually afraid of being alone like I thought I was. I have sat here alone since Wednesday night (my son is out at a music festival). I haven't felt sorry for myself at all!

4. Throwing crap out feels really good. I kept so many things because they had sentimental value. I threw out a bunch of things from our marriage and it was glorious. I kept going and threw out more crap. That was very liberating for me. I have a hard time parting with things but it's almost all gone now!


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Staircase those are some awesome things that you have learned. Everyone has posted good things. I hope more people respond to this post.

I learned tonight that the movie "Blue valentine" with Michelle Williams & Ryan Goselin is depressing as h*ll.
If I would have known it was a movie about a broken marriage, I never would have rented it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

I have learned that you cannot really force somebody to love you,no matter what.
That life is a matter of a choice, It's the one that will make a difference in your life.
If you learned enough to love yourself then,i think you know how to love others well.
We ought to lose the person we love (separation/divorce/even death),for us to know how important they are in our life.
We will be on our own sooner or later,so it's best to expect the fact thay they be gone,so at least we know how to survive without them....


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Separated79 said:


> I have learned that you cannot really force somebody to love you,no matter what.
> That life is a matter of a choice, It's the one that will make a difference in your life.
> If you learned enough to love yourself then,i think you know how to love others well.
> We ought to lose the person we love (separation/divorce/even death),for us to know how important they are in our life.
> We will be on our own sooner or later,so it's best to expect the fact thay they be gone,so at least we know how to survive without them....


I agree with you 100% on this.

Another thing I am learning is maybe it shouldn't be "For better or for worse" but the other way around? It seems to me, a lot (not all) of the time people give up when things get worse, myself included. Maybe the reason why the divorce rate is so high is because everyone gives up on the 'for worse' part and never get to experience the 'for better'?
It's just a thought......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I think it depends on the situation. Some people have been for years and it's been rough almost the entire time, so when does one decide enough is enough?

I've said it before, but I think MOST marriages can be saved. Not all (like abuse of any kind or serial infidelity) can be, but if both parties are willing to work hard, why can't they?

I really hate to say this, but I make more sense when I write my thoughts down then when I speak them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

This is a great thread. I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was, and that I have more forgiveness in me than I would have thought. I've learned that I have a number of good friends who are there for me in a time of crisis, and I probably haven't appreciated that enough before now. I've learned that I can't control other people (that might seem like a no-brainer, but I kept thinking that my behavior was influencing things and while it does somewhat, H has his own things going on and not everything he does is in direct response to something I'm doing or not doing). I've learned that I shouldn't take things for granted.

As far as the "for better or for worse" conversation, I completely agree - it seems like H has had enough of the "for worse," and therefore given up on the "for better."


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I have learned that 

1) the body consists of a lot of water ;o)
2) we are stronger than we think
3) everyone has a right to be happy
4) people make really dumb choices in life
5) you can miss someone and still be OK
6) that family and real friends will get you through almost anything bad
7) that love is enduring and will last (even when someone has done you dirty)
8)that is is OK to go to bed with the t.v. on (husband couldn't sleep with it on)
9) that the heart does heal itself
10) that although people are separated by thousands of miles we are all basically the same.
11) Prayer soothes my soul and makes everything better
12) that I love too hard
13) the internet is a wonderful resource tool
14) that men and women hurt the same
15) that everyone is limited by the capacity that dwells within each of us


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hesnnothappy, wow! Great list. 7,9,10,11, and 14 were particularly meaningful to me. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I have learned that if left alone for the weekend I will watch YouTube videos of songs that I liked as a kid while half singing/half crying.


----------



## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I learned that is a lot more deeply rooted issues about myself that nobody pointed out to me. It's sad because I thought the way I was living my life was a happy one and marriage really complicated that.

I have wanted to be happy in my marriage but somehow it is become more of an uphill struggle. There is so much more confusion than before. Perceptions always seem to change when someone is pointing straight at you.

I have also learned that no matter how depressed you are about a situation, you have to dig really hard to look at the positives otherwise you're not gonna make the situation any better


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

njpca said:


> no matter how depressed you are about a situation, you have to dig really hard to look at the positives otherwise you're not gonna make the situation any better


I wish we could "like" posts on here like you can on FB, because I would like this x50.

I really need to remind myself of this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I agree with you 100% on this.
> 
> Another thing I am learning is maybe it shouldn't be "For better or for worse" but the other way around? It seems to me, a lot (not all) of the time people give up when things get worse, myself included. Maybe the reason why the divorce rate is so high is because everyone gives up on the 'for worse' part and never get to experience the 'for better'?
> It's just a thought......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's because we are human and we are weak. I been watching devils advocate that the only thing that we have is freewill pressure makes us fold or focus it's a good movie it's kinda open your eyes to reality of life....For better or for worse is the right thing to do in marriage but it's still up to the two person in the relationship to make it work.
Sadly, most of the time the other give up and the other don't always remember it always takes two to tango.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Devils advocate, that is the one with Keanu Reeves, correct?
I did see that movie and it creeped me out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Yeah, that was a creepy one. I watched Insidious the other night. It totally scared me!


----------



## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

I don't find it creepy but it actually make me cry,that when he made a choice in between looking after her sick wife over his case it really does show that in life it is the choice that make our life a difference,but temptation is too strong around him because of money,ego and pride he only realizes it when he lose his wife through neglect.

The greatest thing you can ever have in life is to love and to be loved.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I watched 2 movies in the past 24 hours, first was Blue Valentine with Michelle Williams & Ryan Goselin. It was good, but depressing. It really shows an accurate portrayal of what goes on in a lot of marriages.

The second was The kids are all right with Julianne Moore, Annette Benning & Mark Ruffalo.

Both good movies, both sort of depressing but accurate.
I know it's Hollywood and we shouldn't mold our lives after a movie but some of the lines spoken in them were very true and made me think.

I am also learning how to stay calm during a storm. I have always been fearful of severe weather and when the sirens go off I panic. I've been this way since I was a very young girl. 

Well, the sirens have gone off twice so far and I'm still alive. I'm freaking out a little, but I'm alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I have learned quite a bit most of which is about myself honestly.

I've learned that I DO infact, like the person that I am. I've learned that I am at least physically attractive and can actually hold a decent conversation with someone. I've re-learned some of my passions in life. I've also learned that sometimes I give a little too much and end up being a doormat. I've learned to do things for myself and by myself. I've learned that I can infact have friends that enjoy my company. people DO like me.

I think the biggest thing I have learned is that love is NOT all that matters. The past six years of my life were spent catering to a relationship that ultimately came to an end because I love my husband. I put my life on hold, put my needs and wants away, and spent my time working for "love." I got married because love is all that matters in life. I actually feel like I was brain washed a little bit, programmed to ignore what should have been red flags and keep on because of "love."

I've also learned that sometimes, you have to let go. You can't save the world, and you can't save someone who doesn't want it, and the more time you spend trying the more of yourself you lose.

I've learned I am a good person, I love with everything I have, and I will do anything I can to help or take care of someone I care about just to make things ok for them before myself. To this day if my husband needed me I would drop everything to help him. we walk two very separate paths, but I'd do anything to help him. It's both a fault, and a good characteristic.

Most importantly, I've learned that when I'm in an unhappy situation, I take everything that brings me a piece of cheer and keep it close around me. I had all this stuff that I would never part with before I moved, it all had one memory or another assigned to it and it made me happy to look at it. I used my things, and my animals, and my husband to fill the empty inside myself and ignore it. It's funny, because now, going through my stuff, I barely want any of it..I don't "need" it anymore. it wasn't even to the level of hoarding, because I get cluster f*** syndrom and clean house, but stupid things, like an avacado colored kitty statue from the 70's, or 6 owl lamps I never used. It's amazing to see how much I enjoy my animals sincerely, and enjoy myself now especially to look back at what I was.

lastly, I've learned, that I want nothing to do with anyone who consumes drugs in any form of real relationship.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Lucas-your post is awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

yes, very good post.


----------



## chaffy (Apr 11, 2011)

i agree with the above..very good post..i myself am still learning everyday..

the one thing that has stuck with me so far is the i am learning to love myself again..and that as much as i love and miss h...loving who i am should be top priority..and i am realizing that i played a role in some issues in our marriage but i did not run away..that was all h..

and coming to this site even if it is just to read others stories is a good release for me because some days are easier then others...


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I've learned:

1. That I lost myself in my marriage. I was codependent and everything I did was centered around what was best for my H and my family. Not myself. I like this chick and it's nice to have her around again!

2. That you never really know a person. You just don't. So don't ever throw all of your energy and self-worth into another person.

3. That I'm a pretty awesome person. I'm beautiful inside and out, and other people like, love me. I have a lot to offer, I'm funny, I'm outgoing, I'm a good listener. 

4. That even though it felt like my world was crashing down, I'm going to be okay. I have my moments, but all in all, this is the best thing to happen to me. I feel bad for my kids, but hopefully they'll gather strength from me.

5. That you never truly know what you're capable of until you are left in the most vulnerable position. You find your strength and determination in your darkest hour, and it's only you that stands in your own way.

6. That you can't ever hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held onto. If someone wants to go, the best thing to do is let them go. Hard lesson to learn!


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

1. I have learned like others there is a such thing as loving to deeply thereby giving to much of yourself in the marriage.

2. I have learned to always stand up for what I feel is right and its up to my partner to accept that.

3. I have learned the prospect of being a single father is terrifying to me but know I can do it.

4. I have learned toxic friends to a marriage can make people lose sight of things.

5. I have learned never to trust the words just friends or he is just this guy I work with, or well you guys know them all.

6. I have learned I have an awesome support group. I <3 you TAM.


----------



## chaffy (Apr 11, 2011)

Niceguy13 said:


> 1. I have learned like others there is a such thing as loving to deeply thereby giving to much of yourself in the marriage.
> 
> 2. I have learned to always stand up for what I feel is right and its up to my partner to accept that.
> 
> ...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*What have I learned?*

That life *does* go on. 
That there are better days. 
That while one chapter may end, the rest of your life story is just getting started!


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

1. That there are no gaurantees in life.
2. Marriage take hard work, every year, forever.
3. Laugh a lot more, take more time to enjoy the little things.
4. Talk to my SO truthfully about how I feel, without sugar coating it.
5. To listen, listen, listen, absorb and process. Then MAYBE talk.
6. That losing a life long friend and the love of your life can happen in an instant.
7. That no matter what we do for our SO, nothing is as important as keeping yourself happy for both of your sakes.
8. That the heart can go through suffering, trial and tribulation and it still doesn't go into cardiac arrest (not sure how I've managed to keep my blood pressure normal over the last 2 years).

I still have a long journey ahead of me and a lot to learn. You guys on here have been a great shoulder to lean on. Thank you all.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

sadand said:


> DG you are soooo right, whats up with the for worse part, when you get there, you just quit?? I really think that if you can come through that part, you get something really amazing and that is what I want.


This goes along with a quote I saw a while back: 

More marriages would survive if couples realize that the better usually comes after the worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah, it doesnt make sense to me how someone could quit a marriage after 36 years. How do you make up for 36 years of being a family. Celebrating special occasions, celebrating life and mourning the deaths of family members. How do you come to terms with knowing that you have been intimately involved with your SO for 36 years and the last time you did make love was to be your last time with that person forever. I am so lost by all of this. So many photos with smiles and laughter. I still remember the first day my W walked my little girl to her first day of school. That picture is burned in my memory. I think my undoing is that I loved her too much. Well maybe my stbxw thought that the "worst" part did not apply to her. Or maybe she felt that 36 years was enough commitment from her. I could have spent my entire life with her and would have had no regrets. It never crossed my mind that neither one of us would not be there next to each other on our last day on earth. I know now I will be alone or with another. I can only hope that I can love that strongly again but I just don't that right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I am still learning from this separation:

16) You never really know a person, unless you have been there the whole time experiencing things with them, you never reall know a person.
17) You never really know yourself, never say never ;o)
18) Life offers you a new chance every day to do better and get it right.
19) It takes 10 weeks to stop feeling like a knife is in your heart.
20) Some days are just good days...today is mine, my birthday ;o)


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Happy birthday HNH!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ Delinquentgurl, Thank you...Vanessa is my name and HNH is not going to be my problem for the day ;o)


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I've learned:
> 
> 1. That I lost myself in my marriage. I was codependent and everything I did was centered around what was best for my H and my family. Not myself. I like this chick and it's nice to have her around again!
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Couldn't have said it better myself! I also am learning that if I survived a brain tumor and 2 surgeries to remove it, I can survive and overcome ANYTHING!


----------



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I have learned that I don't NEED him as much as I thought I did. And I can and will survive without him.

I have learned that my kids are beautiful and wonderful little people who deserve to see how a husband and wife SHOULD be.

I have learned that I am human, and have weak moments. But also that I can turn those weak moments around, and become stronger.

I have learned that sometimes love just isn't enough.

I have learned that I am slowly finding who I am without him, and will actually like myself as that person someday (work in progress).


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I have learned that I will never tolerate a relationship with someone who does not respect me, nor would I expect a man to tolerate me if I didn't respect him.

I am learning that even though I may be feeling a certain way or thinking a certain way, that doesn't mean it's reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I made a note on Facebook about what I learned a while ago...here's what I learned:

I have learned that just because I talked a lot, that didn't make me a good communicator.
I have learned that to love someone isn't always enough.
I have learned that not all family is supportive.
I have learned that I don't have to "deal" with negative feelings. Sometimes I needed to just let them go.
I have learned that its ok not to like someone regardless of who they are. 
I have learned that I can be selfish in a bad way.
I have learned that I can be selfish in a good way.
I have learned that my feelings are important no matter who says different.
I learned that its ok to have loved and lost regardless of the "future" I had planned.
I learned that not everyone thinks and feels the way I do about certain topics. 
I have learned that someone can be miserable and never really say it.
I have learned that I don't like to take hints and figure out the rest. 
I have learned that I can be very stubborn.
I have learned that no matter what I say, how I act or what I do, not everyone will think positively of me nor will they investigate the issue.
I have learned that someone will match my commitment...one day.
I have learned that can let bad things turn worse because I focus on myself more than needed at times.
I have learned what it really feels like to love and be loved.
I have learned that I can't force anyone to be or feel exactly what I believe or feel.
I have learned that I am not a people pleaser and that's ok.
I have learned to let go and love from afar.
I have learned and now believe that it is true, if you love someone let them go. If it was meant to be they will return and if they don't that's ok too.
I have learned that I love having someone to take care of not just my kids.
I have learned that I can make mistakes with my children and they will still love me regardless of what others think.
I have learned that I can't live up to someone else's expectations without feelings like I have lost myself.
I have learned that I am a beautiful, caring, intelligent, committed woman and one day someone will appreciate that about me.
I have learned that I am not completely where I want and need to be but there is nothing stopping me but myself.
.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

"Couldn't have said it better myself! I also am learning that if I survived a brain tumor and 2 surgeries to remove it, I can survive and overcome ANYTHING!"

Cherokee- your d*mn right you can! This ain't got nothing on you..your a strong fighter. Good for you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

"I have learned that I am not completely where I want and need to be but there is nothing stopping me but myself."

That is a very good statement. I am going to remember that one.

One thing I have learned also is other people's opinions of me does not have to be my reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I have also learned that my H was very smart when he left the person I was, but he would be a fool to leave the woman I have become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Sad-the best way for your H to see what he could lose is by always being your best. I'm not saying act like everything is perfect, but just be your genuine self.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Great great question! And turns the negative to the positive!
You are so right, Cherokee, you cannot hold onto someone that doesn't love you and that it is better to let them go.
What I have learned:
1) Listen, listen, listen
2) Think before speaking
3) Never again put your soul at someone else's disposal, we are all fallible
4) Trust in God
5) This too shall pass
6) Do not become cynical
7) There is a reason and one day we will figure it out
8) We will love and be loved again (and hopefully not repeat same mistakes)


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am learning that it is perfectly normal to have days when I feel very confident, and then have other days where I feel lower than low.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Am learning to put myself first for the first time in a very long time, take care of me. I am also learning that when H does realize (sees) what he has so casually and callously discarded that I want to have the power to say "Nope, can't have me back. Got what you wanted. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it. Now hit the bricks!"


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I have learnt that, despite what some ex in laws may say, I am a very tactile person, my love language is touch. 
I have learnt that I am in fact quite a gentleman
I have learnt that I am quite caring
I have learnt that I have a warm heart
I have learnt that I need to think more about myself, my health, my well being.
I have learnt that I am not the selfish bastard that the ex thinks I am
I have learnt that I am in fact attractive to members of the opposite sex.

There are other things that I have learnt, but I decided to write what I have learnt about myself


----------



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I have learned that the lizard part of my brain wants me to be jealous and suspicious. I know that might not be in keeping with the theme here, but everyone else has said most of what I can say about what I have learned.


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

dante said:


> I have learned that the lizard part of my brain wants me to be jealous and suspicious. I know that might not be in keeping with the theme here, but everyone else has said most of what I can say about what I have learned.


:smthumbup:

Amother thing I have learnt is that I do not actually miss my ex wife, I do miss the companionship we once had, but I do not actually miss her, I wonder why that is.


----------



## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I have learnt that there are things that will just scar you for life.. Ouch!

One friend told me that no kind words, encouragement, counseling, and moral support can really help me with getting my husband back if he really doesn't want to.. She joked that unless we kidnapped him, tie his limbs, drive him back to my flat - there is really no way to have him back.. I might feel a bit better each day but if he is not with me, then the problem is still there.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I have learned that people will give you their opinion even if you didn't ask for it.

I learned that you can never be 100% sure what you would do in someone else's shoes until you are actually in them.

I learned that my friends are my family. I lean on them for support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am also learning that when I am ready to date again, I won't date a couch potato. My H & I never did anything together but go out to eat or watch movies. Those things are fine every once in a while, but I want to go out and actually DO things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I have learned that emotions are fickle, and they can turn on a dime ;o) that is good and bad. Wouldn't take nothing for my journey to where I am.


----------



## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

I am not alone and have more support than I think I have.

I do not have to be embarrassed, I honored my vows and I can leave this marriage with my head up about that.

I am not a failure because my marriage failed.

Ride the emotional roller coaster. When I am sad or hurt, it is okay to cry but cry..dry my tears and lift my head up. Don't stay in a state of dispair needlessly.

This chapter in my life won't define my future.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I just learned 15 minutes ago how tragic our communication has been! We talked for about an hour about how sheresents me and doesn't trust. I told her how sad that was, how she has forgotten about 36 years of trust. And to tell me that she resents me is deeply hurtful. She wants me to admit that this divorce is all my fault. I learned that two people can love each other and hate each other at the same time; I never thought that was possible. Never! But tonight I learned that it does exist. She said she ended up even more convinced that she needs to leave. Although she mutterred on her way to the room, "not that you would take me back anyway." WTF!!! I responded by saying to her as she walked away, "ok, now I know you still love me or you wouldn't be so angry."
She said, muttering again, "yeah, right, whatever", pause, pause, "well, ok, maybe." Again, I have learned that love 
can be as soothing as the sun rising on a warm summer day, or as painful as a dull dagger in the stomach! How is it possible that I can be so clueless? I honestly felt like grabbing her tonight in all of our despair and rant and just holding her tight and kissing her like when we first met. God help take this pain away!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am learning that I am living a lot in fear.
The reality in life is that life-long marriages almost always experience times of difficulty. Marriage is about working through problems, holding on to hope, letting go of negative feelings, looking past a partner's faults, seeking help when needed, remembering our promises to each other, and caring for each other even when we feel disappointed or hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DG, interesting that you talk about 1) being a couch potato 2) fear holding us back. I too can be perceived as a couch potato but I'm not really just family/home oriented - was afraid to get out more, both because of my introvertedness and also fear of not being able to live within my means... My wife and I each overcompensated in the opposite way from each other - her going out more, spending more, not taking care of home or family more, I ended up having to take the bus more stay in more, not buy the things I wanted, not doing the things I wanted. For her it boiled down to having fun for me it boiled down to finances. If you can't find any common ground I guarantee you will find resentment instead.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

It wasn't about living outside of our means. We could have done simple things like go for a walk, go hiking, ride bikes together. He didn't want to do any of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> It wasn't about living outside of our means. We could have done simple things like go for a walk, go hiking, ride bikes together. He didn't want to do any of that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that too, I guess the question is were you the one asking or were you expecting him to ask you? The only reason it matters now is just to help you understand how relationships work. I'm asking you these for the same reason: if you asked my wife if she would have wanted to do some of these same things with me, walking, bike-riding etc she would probably say yes, and I would tell you I wanted to also, but for whatever reason she would tell you I was not interested. For that same bogus reason I think we both set it up so we didn't create the opportunity to do those things, we passively refused to spend quality time together and I really want to understand why! I think by the end she genuinely thought I was a useless couch potato who wanted to do nothing, whereas I was feeling burned out partly from my own depression but largely because she always left me holding the bag for the daily mundane tasks in life.


----------



## JJD (Jun 8, 2011)

I have learned that the most important relationship that I have, is the one that I have with God. 

To trust in Him and let Him guide me... He WILL get me through whatever I need Him to. He is helping me to get through this divorce and He will be at the forefront of my moving on and fully getting over it.

The most ironic part is that I would never have achieved this level of spirituality or my renewed relationship with God without the soon to be ex-wife. She unselfishly furnished me with the tools I needed and the encouragement to put my trust in Him. I sincerely thank her for this.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Lon said:


> Well that too, I guess the question is were you the one asking or were you expecting him to ask you?


I asked him all of the time.
I had weight loss surgery almost 2 years ago and when I made the commitment to change my lifestyle, my H assured me that we were a team and would do it together.
I constantly asked him to do things with me, and he always declined. Then I got b*tchy because he kept saying no, and that just started a vicious cycle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

JJD said:


> I have learned that the most important relationship that I have, is the one that I have with God.
> 
> To trust in Him and let Him guide me... He WILL get me through whatever I need Him to. He is helping me to get through this divorce and He will be at the forefront of my moving on and fully getting over it.
> 
> The most ironic part is that I would never have achieved this level of spirituality or my renewed relationship with God without the soon to be ex-wife. She unselfishly furnished me with the tools I needed and the encouragement to put my trust in Him. I sincerely thank her for this.


I think that is wonderful. I feel the same way. I know He is present in my life more than ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

