# Urgent help needed please! Wife wants divorce!



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Hello everyone! I have been reading this forum for the last couple of weeks. As you can all understand, I am at a crossroad and need any all kind of help urgently. I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read about my problems and providing any suggestion. I posted this in another forum, but didn't receive any comment and this one seems to be more appropriate. I apologize for the double posting.

Hello everyone! I have been reading this forum for the last couple of weeks. As you can all understand, I am at a crossroad and need any all kind of help urgently. I would like to thank you in advance for taking the time to read about my problems and providing any suggestion. 

1. I know my wife for 7 years.
2. We got married a year and half ago.
3. We have seen each other for about 2 months in the last two years due to career reasons. 
4. We last met about 4 months ago.
5. She has been reducing the volume of contact with me for the past six months. This made me mad and we fought a lot over it. She also didn't get along with my family and blamed me for not providing her with any emotional support.
6. She told me a few weeks ago that she doesn't have any feeling for me and doesn't care about me anymore.
7. She is hell bent on divorce and feels that we both deserve better partners.
8. For the last 8-9 months she has been out every weekend with a group of friends both male and female. But if I asked who were there she would get angry and not tell me. I said mean things to her. She also said mean things. WHen we started dating she would sometimes be mean and I would stay calm, but now I was getting angry a lot. On one occassion my wife went with her friends for a two day trip and didn't call me even once. I called her about 40 times but she didn't pick the phone up. She talked to her parents though but didn't pick up my phone even at 10 pm.
9. She didn't want to have sex last time we met.
10. This year she forgot to wish me on my birthday, which never happened before.
11. We were having problems for last one year because she felt I didn't take enough responsibility.
12. I am going to meet her in a month and she wants to finalize divorce week from when we meet again.
13. She told me that she needs to rebuild her life and it will take her some time, but I make her suffocated and if she has to live with me, she will die.

My questions to all you patient people are:
(1) Is there any hope for us?
(2) What do I do in the meantime? I will see her in a month.
(3) What should I tell her when we meet?
(4) What other help should I get?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

I just found out when she visited me she kept talking to this guy a lot on phone while I was out. So that settles it.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Called her 40 times? I see why she feels smothered.... Anyways it sounds like you are pretty much divorced already with the little time you have seen each other.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Called her 40 times? I see why she feels smothered.... Anyways it sounds like you are pretty much divorced already with the little time you have seen each other.


That was one day and I did it because I feared that she might have met with an accident on the trip.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

life101 said:


> That was one day and I did it because I feared that she might have met with an accident on the trip.


have you talked with her since your first posted ? I think right now its best to not contact her at all, and if you do talk avoid marriage discussion as it will end with you guys arguing. Not contacting someone you love is extremely hard. I have done it, slipped up and kept trying. Try not to beat yourself up. In the end if someone doesn't want to be with you, there is not much you can do. And that part sucks.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> have you talked with her since your first posted ? I think right now its best to not contact her at all, and if you do talk avoid marriage discussion as it will end with you guys arguing. Not contacting someone you love is extremely hard. I have done it, slipped up and kept trying. Try not to beat yourself up. In the end if someone doesn't want to be with you, there is not much you can do. And that part sucks.





MSC, thnks for the reply. Yes I have talked to her. I also found the proof of her infidelity. I feel like I don't know the person I loved anymore, and as if that person never existed. She said that I was not told before since she feared that I would contest the divorce if I knew! I have forgiven her and if she could show any remorse, I would still take her back. I forgave her twice before for EA and forgave her again the third time. But she has no remorse and doesn't want to stay married to me anymore. So she is going to get her wish granted. I am not going to spend the rest of my life with person who can allow another person to live the rest of his life in self-hate and pain just to suit her own selfish needs. However, if there is some miraculous transformation on her part, it might be game on again. 

I am not contacting her anymore. In fact I asked her to not contact me for a month. It is getting better. The mornings are the worst though.  

Life takes mysterious turns when you least expect them. I am confident I will come out of it as a better human being. I wish the same for my STBXW.


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

Sounds lioke you are on the right track. The trick is to let that person know you are interested but not dependent. You are willing to make changes, they must understand that no matter who did what, when one person is changing for the better the other should change their behaviour to the other person too. Any positive modifications must be long term and sustainable and she must know you can move on and you are going to have a great life with or without her. Its not easty and no one encounter or phone call can be expected to sort it. Also no games. If she plays games you be the mature one. Be consistent, kind and strong and honest. Strong means being able to break contact and not do and say hurtful things. Focus on positive things and dont bring up old hurts. Dont appologise for things you werent the cause of or which she never complained about.
I would like you opinion on my counseling fear
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nseling-end-all-hope-me-help.html#post1232658


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

bobby5 said:


> Sounds lioke you are on the right track. The trick is to let that person know you are interested but not dependent. You are willing to make changes, they must understand that no matter who did what, when one person is changing for the better the other should change their behaviour to the other person too. Any positive modifications must be long term and sustainable and she must know you can move on and you are going to have a great life with or without her. Its not easty and no one encounter or phone call can be expected to sort it. Also no games. If she plays games you be the mature one. Be consistent, kind and strong and honest. Strong means being able to break contact and not do and say hurtful things. Focus on positive things and dont bring up old hurts. Dont appologise for things you werent the cause of or which she never complained about.
> I would like you opinion on my counseling fear
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...nseling-end-all-hope-me-help.html#post1232658


Thanks for the kind words. I have given my thoughts on your question. Wish you all the best.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I would recommend moving this thread to Coping with Infidelity. You would get a lot more feedback for your situation.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I would recommend moving this thread to Coping with Infidelity. You would get a lot more feedback for your situation.


Thanks. I requested for it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry you're here. The first 3 bullet points are the root cause of all the marital problems - you don't have to read past bullet 3. I have a few questions:

1) Did the two of you end up pursuing careers that resulted in long term separation out of necessity or was it by choice?

2) If you had to do this out of necessity, did you know that these long term separations were going to be a part of the marriage before the wedding? I assume yes because you state that you've been married for 1.5 years but have been following this work schedule for 2 years.

3) Did the two of you have a plan to eventually end up in the same location to pursue both of your careers, or was your current situation open ended?

4) If this arrangement was by choice (and not forced on you due to circumstances), then why would you marry her?

I think you see the gist of my questions. The root cause is that you two are married in name only. In reality, you are two single people who happen to get together to shack up periodically. I'm not trying to be cruel, but I'm trying to be as direct as possible. IMHO, this marriage was doomed to fail before it even got off the ground. The problem appears to be that the two of you pursued different careers that resulted in the two of you not living together. This is toxic for a marriage. One of you had to yield to the other so that the two of you could live together. No one bit the bullet and quit their current job for the sake of the spouse. 

I'm sorry, but this marriage was dead the moment the two of you went your separate ways for your careers - I'm guessing at the very beginning. If you're lucky, you two can get an annulment. I'm guessing the two of you have very little in the way of shared assets. Let it go and move on.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

1) Did the two of you end up pursuing careers that resulted in long term separation out of necessity or was it by choice?

*It was out of necessity. We envisioned a life together and for that we need to endure temporary separation. Since we were together for 5 years before getting married, I thought the bond was strong. I overestimated it.*

2) If you had to do this out of necessity, did you know that these long term separations were going to be a part of the marriage before the wedding? I assume yes because you state that you've been married for 1.5 years but have been following this work schedule for 2 years.

*Yes, we both knew what we were getting into. The funny thing is that it was her who wanted to get married as soon as possible once we had to live apart.*

3) Did the two of you have a plan to eventually end up in the same location to pursue both of your careers, or was your current situation open ended?

*Yes, yes, and yes. I also pleaded with her to come and live with me. It would have been a lot easier for her to come here and get a better opportunity. Once I am done with what I am doing, we would have been so well off that she could even choose not to work. *

4) If this arrangement was by choice (and not forced on you due to circumstances), then why would you marry her?

*This marriage was out of choice since I love her and thought she loved me too. The living apart situation is out of compulsions. I thought we have built so many dreams over the years that our love could overcome everything. Again, bad understanding on my part.*

Thanks for the response. The way things are moving, I think divorce is the only possible solution. She doesn't want to be with me. She started going out with OM six months past marriage and professed their love to each other even before the marriage was one year old.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You no longer have a say in what happens, which is sad. I feel for you because I'm in a long distance relationship as well due to necessity...and choice.

She didn't wait six months before she was sleeping with someone else.

Huh. After the marriage SHE demanded.

I think the next visit would be best served by renting a storage unit and securing your valuables. Don't tell her where it is either. For the most impact, pack all the stuff when she is out so she can come to a suddenly emptier apartment.

This will hurt her feelings but you need to stop caring about her feelings because she certainly stopped caring about yours a long time ago. 

Women fake it better than men. Orgasms, relationships, whatever.

So now your career options are WIDE open.

Oh...and don't send her a DIME any more. Not a DIME. It isn't your problem. Let a judge tell you what you HAVE to pay.

Parties are easy when someone else is paying for them.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

She started going out with OM six months past marriage and professed their love to each other even before the marriage was one year old.

*WTF ,WTF UNBELIEVABLE* ... I´m so sorry man..Damn that is so effiing CRUEL


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

JCD said:


> You no longer have a say in what happens, which is sad. I feel for you because I'm in a long distance relationship as well due to necessity...and choice.
> 
> She didn't wait six months before she was sleeping with someone else.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. Yes she is going to get something similar to that. The thing is, if she was so unhappy, she should have taken up my offer and stay with me.



Jonesey said:


> She started going out with OM six months past marriage and professed their love to each other even before the marriage was one year old.
> 
> *WTF ,WTF UNBELIEVABLE* ... I´m so sorry man..Damn that is so effiing CRUEL


I still cannot believe it myself. How could she do it to me? I want to know one last thing: why? I am yet to get it out of her. I feel like it is genetic. I heard that her mother might have had a problem like that, her elder sister definitely had this problem, and she did it twice before. I was blinded by love/ under the charm/ perma-fogged that I chose to disregard all those signs.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It sounds like she is already emotionally divorced from you and you are catching up. It could take months to get there. 

I'm very sorry for your situation.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My questions to all you patient people are:
(1) Is there any hope for us?

NO

(2) What do I do in the meantime? I will see her in a month.

Start planning your life from here forward without her.

(3) What should I tell her when we meet?

Goodbye and good luck. (the latter only if you mean it)

(4) What other help should I get?

If there are assets to be divided, you need to contact an 
attorney. This is especially true if you are the sole support for
relationship.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't dwell on the "why". You will never get an answer that you like.

Just put her in your rear-view and chalk it up to a learning experience.

Good luck.

Few marriages can survive only seeing each other 2 months out of 24 regardless of the reason.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Thanks for the support everyone. I will take up the suggestions.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

I have an update. It has been two weeks since the discovery of my wife's EA (and possible PA). I am doing complete 180. Today I got a message from her asking if she can talk to me for 2 minutes. She didn't call me though, just texted.

Question: should I call her or let her call me? My gut feeling is that I just sit tight and do whatever I am doing. At this point, I am indifferent whether I remain married or not, and if I don't see any remorse I am going to file for divorce myself. I will be in her city in a couple of weeks.

Any help is much appreciated.

This is the text: "Can i talk to u for just 2 mins?"

Also, after the discovery, I told her and her family not to bother me for a month.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

life101 said:


> Question: should I call her or let her call me? My gut feeling is that I just sit tight and do whatever I am doing.
> 
> This is the text: "Can i talk to u for just 2 mins?"


If you want to appear strong and confident, then text her back and say, sure, whenever it's convenient for you, and leave it at that.

Avoiding a request to talk from the wayward spouse doesn't make you appear strong, it makes you appear petty, and that completely contradicts the disposition you wanted to take.

T


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> If you want to appear strong and confident, then text her back and say, sure, whenever it's convenient for you, and leave it at that.
> 
> Avoiding a request to talk from the wayward spouse doesn't make you appear strong, it makes you appear petty, and that completely contradicts the disposition you wanted to take.
> 
> T


Thanks. Did that. Have got so many things to learn about relationships...

Also, the last time we talked (about two weeks ago), I told her that I would give her divorce since she wants it so much and takes no rsponsibility for the EA, but it will be when I want to, not when she wants or the OM wants. I have decided to file once I am there if the situation remains unchanged.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

She doesn't have any feeling for me and doesn't care about me anymore.
She is hell bent on divorce and feels that we both deserve better partners.
This year she forgot to wish me on my birthday
I am going to meet her in a month and she wants to finalize divorce week from when we meet again.
I make her suffocated and if she has to live with me, she will die.

Life101, you need to be completely honest with yourself on this and prepare yourself to be single. It is painful, but it isn't the end of the world. Your wife has lost interest in the marriage and there really is very little you can do to fix it because you rarely even see each other.

I know the text from her might have gotten your hopes up, but based on the points you've made, there's probably very little chance that she'll say anything positive.

Just stay strong.

T


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> She doesn't have any feeling for me and doesn't care about me anymore.
> She is hell bent on divorce and feels that we both deserve better partners.
> This year she forgot to wish me on my birthday
> I am going to meet her in a month and she wants to finalize divorce week from when we meet again.
> ...


Thanks. I am now in complete divorce mode. She was least bit remorseful last time we spoke, and I don't think she will change drastically in two weeks. She is not genetically coded like that.

I guess she wants to speak to me about how soon she can get divorced. Oh, I cannot wait to throw it on her face. :lol:


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Yeah get a divorce. There is no kids so this could be a lot worse.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

lionsguy22 said:


> Yeah get a divorce. There is no kids so this could be a lot worse.


Exactly! I am going to run while I still can.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Life,

It is a PA. The length of time guarantees that.

Divorce her and her family. They have to know about her BF after all this time.

Divorce her and run. There are better woman out there.

Learn from these mistakes because that is all you can do.

Good Luck! Who needs this crap when you can be so much happier with someone that wants to be with you and live with you.

HM64


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Since you are in different places geographically, check to see which place is better to file in and do that. Dont wait to file in a particular place unless it is driven by informed legal opinion.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> Since you are in different places geographically, check to see which place is better to file in and do that. Dont wait to file in a particular place unless it is driven by informed legal opinion.


I would have liked to do it. However, the law in my home country might not allow it and if my in-laws somehow change their mind the whole matter can go up to the highest court and get dragged on for a while. Since we got married in the home country where marriage laws vary, the divorce has to be in sync with those laws. As I am going to be there in two weeks, I guess I will just be there and finalize everything in a whirlwind. Also, honestly, I don't want to spend a dime more on this relationship than I have to. I already had too much invested and would like to get out with as little damage as possible.

Thanks for the suggestion though. It is an interesting idea.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Just an update: so she called me, pleading to give her divorce. I reiterated what I said before, that I will give her one as soon as I am there. She was trying to tell me that she didn't tell me before since she didn't want to hurt me! Right, who would have guessed that cheating is the best way for not hurting your hubby?

I also asked her whether they went physical. She said she didn't want to talk about it and started blameshifting. So, you guys have been right all along. It was PA.

Classic cheater script as I learned from my one month on TAM. She wants a package of a man and she wants it now. And I totally agree with HM64. It is better to spend to the rest of my life alone than spending even a single day together with such a person.

I just let it all go and laid everything in front of her how she cheated on me before and how I am not going to be a doormat anymore. Good thing that she now wants to go for the greener pasture and it is a blessing in disguise. She gave the classic excuses of being unhappy, not getting enough encouragement from me to stay together (though I always asked her to come and stay with me, but didn't pressurize her since I didn't want her to sacrifice her career for me) and tried to say that it was all my fault. I owned up 50% of the good, and 50% of the bad things in our relationship. But said that I am not responsible for her infidelity at all. Monogamy is a choice and people need to learn it. Cheating was her choice and she herself is 100% responsible for it. Instead of putting time in fixing what made her unhappy in the relationship, instead of talking to me, she used to spend the time and energy to build a new relationship. Oh, how alike are all the cake-eaters! I also have a slight feeling that she might have got pregnant and that's why she is in such a hurry. 

How much my perspective has changed from just one month on TAM!

Thanks everyone, for showing me the righteous path!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Oh, and I also asked her why she was so unhappy and why she didn't tell me. She had no answer.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

WTF? I received a call from my STBXW's parents asking me to not grant her divorce and rather force her to stay with me? Is this stone age? Must be that the OM isn't so interested in her anymore. Do they think I am still a doormat?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Life

Most cheaters Affair down. Meaning the the man she has hooked up with is most likely a loser.

Your inlaws probably know this and prefer you.

And I was thinking the same thing before you posted, is she pregnant? 

Not good Life. For her.

Hm64


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I wonder if the OM dumps her once he realizes she really is going to leave her husband to be with him. Because this would apply pressure to commit to her.

Then, she will be left with nobody to take care of the baby he made. 

Then, she would come crawling back to life101 and tell him she's pregnant and the baby is actually his, not the OM's.

Watch.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Inlows see the train wreck her daughter is and probably know about who/how OM is.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

life101 said:


> WTF? I received a call from my STBXW's parents asking me to not grant her divorce and rather force her to stay with me? Is this stone age? Must be that the OM isn't so interested in her anymore. Do they think I am still a doormat?





happyman64 said:


> Life
> 
> Most cheaters Affair down. Meaning the the man she has hooked up with is most likely a loser.
> 
> ...





Acabado said:


> Inlows see the train wreck her daughter is and probably know about who/how OM is.


Why should the In Laws not want you to stay married?

They appear to support you.

Use that support.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

theroad said:


> Why should the In Laws not want you to stay married?
> 
> They appear to support you.
> 
> Use that support.


Thanks for the input. Sorry for not being very clear before. Let me give you my perspective.

The inlaws didn't support me while the affair started. I asked them repeatedly why my STBXW was not talking to me, or not doing video chat with me even during the weekends? Instead of talking to me she was going out with the OM all the time. My inlaws refused to take any action or talk to their daughter about fixing our relationship. Even when she asked me for divorce, they were extremely noncommittal and told my parents repeatedly that they were going to do what is the best for their daughter. There is no way they couldn't know what was going on. It was them who first told my family that they were not interested in keeping us married anymore.

Now, after they have talked to the guy they must have found out something that they don't like. I don't know what it is and I don't care. I don't care about what they want or don't want. If my STBXW could at least show some remorse and realize what she has done, I would have taken her back in a heartbeat. But she still doesn't want to take any responsibility and is just blameshifting. It is my life and I am the king here. I let her control the relationship for way too long, and have been way too accomodating. If she wanted back, it had to be on my terms. It didn't happen and I am not going to cry anymore and beg her to come back, no matter how much my family or her family wants me to do it. She can do whatever makes her `happy' and it is not my problem anymore.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Please tell me WHY you want to be married to this......PO. woman?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> Please tell me WHY you want to be married to this......PO. woman?


Exactly! I wanted to, at one point (for the last seven years of my life until two weeks ago), but not anymore. I am just not divorcing her, I am also divorcing her family out of my life. And the thing is, even if she shows any remorse now, I cannot beleive her anymore, I am not sure if I can believe her ever again. The last time I talked to her, I got the feeling that the OM might be backing out now. I didn't feel love, I felt pity.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

life101 said:


> Exactly! I wanted to, at one point (for the last seven years of my life until two weeks ago), but not anymore. I am just not divorcing her, I am also divorcing her family out of my life. And the thing is, even if she shows any remorse now, I cannot beleive her anymore, I am not sure if I can believe her ever again. The last time I talked to her, I got the feeling that the OM might be backing out now. I didn't feel love, I felt pity.


I am willing to bet that she is going to change her tune next time you talk to her.

Stay Strong don't cave in, she is going to try every trick in the book to keep you hooked


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé both her and the OM on the Internet for the cheaters they are. If they are so in love they should welcome the exposure.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Mike11 said:


> I am willing to bet that she is going to change her tune next time you talk to her.
> 
> Stay Strong don't cave in, she is going to try every trick in the book to keep you hooked


She is way too far in. I have let all the family members and mutual friends know about it. Even if she wants to come back now for whatever reason, it will be very difficult for her. I don't think she has the courage to live a lifetime under glares from people who know what she did. She is going to go through with the divorce and most probably leave for a different city.



Shaggy said:


> Exposé both her and the OM on the Internet for the cheaters they are. If they are so in love they should welcome the exposure.


I have made it known in the friends and family circles. These things spread like wildfire. I think that's the reason why the OM might have second thoughts now. I haven't made it public on FB yet as I don't want her to change her mind about divorce and drag the things on. Back in my home country, divorce is possible in only two ways: mutual consent or contest. I want to get done with her as soon as possible.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed the OM to his family?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you exposed the OM to his family?


Yes, his family knows now (my sources told me). It seems like they might not like this affair either.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

life101 said:


> Yes, his family knows now (my sources told me). It seems like they might not like this affair either.


Well done.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Well done.


Thanks.  It sucks. But it is better to wake up from the nightmare and face the reality now than to spend the rest of my life in denial. When you got a gangrene, you need to cut that body part off. I initially thought it was a cut and a bandage would take care it. It is not, it never was.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay...some guys take MONTHS or *YEARS* to figure out what it took you *17 DAYS* to figure out!

:scratchhead:


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

JCD said:


> Okay...some guys take MONTHS or *YEARS* to figure out what it took you *17 DAYS* to figure out!
> 
> :scratchhead:


It happens In OP´scare it helped a lt they only spent about 2months face to face ,out of 24months..Much easier then


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

JCD said:


> Okay...some guys take MONTHS or *YEARS* to figure out what it took you *17 DAYS* to figure out!
> 
> :scratchhead:


I posted this in some other threads why I am running instead of walking or stumbling. I am right now at such a point in my life, I cannot let my head getting hammered. I do such a job on a day to day basis where I cannot afford to make a wrong decision. So I have two options: wallow in my pain and sorrow, or, get up, get a hold of myself, and fight back. Am I completely out of the woods yet? Not by far chance. Mornings are still the worst, everytime I hear a romantic song I still get morose. But I will get out of it.

I have had a great support system too: my family, friends, an awesome IC, and last but not the least, TAM.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> It happens In OP´scare it helped a lt they only spent about 2months face to face ,out of 24months..Much easier then


That too.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Some updates:

1. I am back in my home country for holidays. As soon as reached here, my STBXW sent me a draft for divorce filing.
2. She and her lawyer lied about the length of time we have been separated. Honestly speaking, we haven't seen each other for 5 months, but they are making it to be a year in order to get a quicker divorce. I told her that I am not going to lie under oath and be held hostage for the rest of my life. If she wants a divorce, she has to be truthful. Being truthful- even not now? Then when?
3. Her family has taken an about turn and now wants me not to sign the papers. I don't know what has happened, but something must have. Or may be they are just playing good cops, bad cops. I don't trust anyone anymore.
4. We have also lawyered up pretty good and taking all the meausres.
5. She was supposed to call me two days ago to talk about the changes to be made in the divorce agreement, but I am yet to receive any call.
6. She has met with the family of the POSOM with full knowledge of her own family and asked for their blessings in the upcoming matrimony. What kind of people let their son get involved with a married woman even before the marriage was a year old and what kind of people let their daughter pursue OM while still being married. It is all about money then? And temporary happiness?
7. I hope they all get what they deserve and their future generations pay for the sins of their parents.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

So I talked to her and her family. I have demanded that she returns all the ornaments and the money I have given her immediately. I have also asked her to compensate me for all the marriage cost that I incurred. She wants my signature first and then talk about this. Huh? No more Mr. Nice Guy here...

The funny thing is I could feel the OM being there and orchestrating the whole conversation! The moment I asked her to let him talk to me, the power of whole conversation shifted back to me.

We learn so much about life when we least expect to. She made marriage a business venture. Let's do business. It is going to be fun. Bring it on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you know the identity of the OM ? How long will you be staying in your home country ?



> What kind of people let their son get involved with a married woman even before the marriage was a year old and what kind of people let their daughter pursue OM while still being married.


They might have been lied to by your wife and OM...I am not even sure if the OM has the full truth either. if you do end up talking to him, tell him about her 2 EA's before this and wish him good luck. Maybe speak with OM's father in private(a totally unemotional talk with just facts to know what kind of woman his son is marrying ).

And finally, if you can, have a talk to WW family to know why exactly they are opposed to the divorce.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Do you know the identity of the OM ? How long will you be staying in your home country ?
> 
> 
> They might have been lied to by your wife and OM...I am not even sure if the OM has the full truth either. if you do end up talking to him, tell him about her 2 EA's before this and wish him good luck. Maybe speak with OM's father in private(a totally unemotional talk with just facts to know what kind of woman his son is marrying ).
> ...


I will be here for a couple of weeks. I intend to sign the papers before I leave and as soon as they meet all my demands.

I know who the OM is. My STBXW and the POSOM both work in an MNC and he is in a superior position compared to her. I am pretty sure she hasn't told him everything either, or twisted them to suit her own end. I have already informed some of the OM's family members. But I believe they are eyeing the salary of my STBXW and will let them marry no matter what. I have tried to get the number of OM's family members, but so far nothing came up. 

I think my STBXW's parents are being ambivalent now. They are encouraging me as well as their daughter. Whichever way it turns out (D or R), they are fine with it. And you would expect the parents to teach children values and make their children choose right over wrong! I have always kept them in the loop. For the last one year I repeatedly asked for their help and they did nothing. Even after I found out about the A, they took their daughter's side.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

BTW, I used one of my all time favorite lines from a novel/movie today (when she asked why am I being so inconsiderate and talking about material things and coming in between her and the OM and their eternal bliss): "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

(I shielded her from everything for the last seven years. Not anymore.)
Welcome to the jungle. Hope you like it here.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Can you inform their workplace about the affair? 
Most companies frown on this type of thing or have specific policies regarding it. 
Make it uncomfortable for them to have the affair, at all levels.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

husbandfool said:


> Can you inform their workplace about the affair?
> Most companies frown on this type of thing or have specific policies regarding it.
> Make it uncomfortable for them to have the affair, at all levels.


I cannot do it right now unfortunately. If my STBXW loses her job now (which will happen most likely, and will also reduce her chances of getting another job of the same level to a great extent), it will reduce my bargaining power. However, I will go all nuclear on them once the papers are filed and I get everything that I want. I am completely disillusioned with her and don't even want to look at her in a thousand births. Marriage vows are sacred to me and she destroyed one thing that I held so close to my heart. I told her repeatedly never to cheat on me, and to end our relationship before cheating on me. Still she did the thing that she knew would hurt me the most.

I am going to make them pay for their sins. I have already started doing it and they are feeling it. They just don't know the full extent of my fury yet. I have already hit them hard where I know will hit them the most, financially. The other aspects of their lives will also be devastated pretty soon.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

My STBXW and the POSOM both work in an MNC and he is in a superior position compared to her

Do you have the evidence?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> My STBXW and the POSOM both work in an MNC and he is in a superior position compared to her
> 
> Do you have the evidence?


Yes, I do. More than one piece of it.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

He he, today I received a call from her. She acted demure and said that she could only request me to sign the papers as soon as possible. I said not before I get my demands met. She again blamed me for her cheating.

My mother also talked to (or tried to talk to) her and my STBXW showed her true colors. She now blamed my mother for her cheating! Yes, I get it, the whole world except her is responsible for her cheating. Oh boy!


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

i have not read a good story on TAM in a veey long time. Pleasr keep us posted on this coz am hooked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Subi said:


> i have not read a good story on TAM in a veey long time. Pleasr keep us posted on this coz am hooked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't worry my friend, it seems that you are going to get entertained for another six months. 

Our story is unusual, yes. The thing that pisses me off is that we took all our life decisions jointly and I trusted her blindly. The cheating decision was not a joint one. I only wish that she had respected me a little bit and ended things with me before getting involved with the POSOM. I really respect people who get truly respectful spouses.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Finally. Filed for divorce yesterday. My XW was there with her scheming father. Couldn't even look me in the eye initially.

It will take another 6-7 months for the judge to see us and make it final. Time for a new and better life which has been long overdue. It has been a rough journey, but a lot of valuable lessons came along.

Thanks for the support everyone. I wish I had found TAM sooner.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

We didn't talk on the day of filing at all. The lawyers did everything. I just received a call from her this morning (the day after filing for divorce). 

Her: Don't be sad.
Me: I am not.
Her: Don't cry.
Me: Why should I?
Her: Get married to a nice girl.
Me: Life is a long journey. We will see what happens.
Her: Ta Ta.
Me: Bye.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you expose them to the company hr?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

keko said:


> Did you expose them to the company hr?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They know and they don't care. And it is one of the Big Four accounting firms!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Just received another call from my almost XW. She is saying all those things like do well in what you are doing, you will also get a family and kids, and all those nice things. She kept asking me about my progress in the things I am currently involved with. I just wished her all the best in her forthcoming marriage and future family life. She started crying and said that I am also going to get those. I just said that I will get what god wants me to get. She said that she cannot be responsible for anyone anymore. I ended the call saying that we all make choices and we ourselves have to face consequences. I am facing mine, she will face hers. Nevertheless, I wished her all the best in her new life.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Next time she calls tell her the time for talking was long ago. There's nothing you want to hear from her, not today, not ever.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

why are you still taking her calls?????????


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Next time she calls tell her the time for talking was long ago. There's nothing you want to hear from her, not today, not ever.





kenmoore14217 said:


> why are you still taking her calls?????????


Yes, I am not going to talk to her anymore. I thought she was going to talk about some pending settlements. But, you are right. I will rather let the lawyers handle those things and do away with these useless conversations.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You asked why !!
Go back and read what you did the first 2 times, then the third.
From now on " NEVER RUG SWEEP An AFFAIR "!!!

Reflect, would you have really believed her if she was remorseful, after 3 A's ??

Did you get your stuff and money back ??


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I have to ask what countries are you both in?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I am wondering why you are still talking to her myself.

Her talks are mostly to assuage her guilt and also to rub some salt into your wounds "Oh...you'll find someone else almost but not quite as good as I am...I'm doing JUST fine."

Sure you are b*tch, but who cares? A real relationship has high tides and low tides...and she got to experience all the high times with POS. The Wheel Turns.

Or maybe she just can't stand LDRs. If so, she should have communicated that.

One last caution: This is new and raw so emotions run high. Moral indignation and self righteousness can be as addictive as POS men. Just a word to the wise.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> You asked why !!
> Go back and read what you did the first 2 times, then the third.
> From now on " NEVER RUG SWEEP An AFFAIR "!!!
> 
> ...


You are right, I was too naive to believe her after repeated transgressions. 
Yes, I got most of the stuff back. The rest will be taken care of by the lawyers.



Tigger said:


> I have to ask what countries are you both in?


We are both originally from India. I now live in the US.



JCD said:


> I am wondering why you are still talking to her myself.
> 
> Her talks are mostly to assuage her guilt and also to rub some salt into your wounds "Oh...you'll find someone else almost but not quite as good as I am...I'm doing JUST fine."
> 
> ...


Exactly. Right now, I am just trying to bring everything back to normal. In a sense, I am more at peace now than I have ever been in the last one year. Being in a limbo is the worst. It was devastating, the sign of destruction is everywhere. Now is the time to pick up the pieces and rebuild.
And I agree. I am trying not to turn into a judgmental person looking at everything through the prism of my own misfortune.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

oh yes I thought you could be from India or Pakistan when u mentioned ornaments. Traditions have changed so much these days with all the globalisation going on. We have always believed Asian women to be rooted in tradition so it still comes as a shock when i hear such heart breaking stories like yours. U will be fine my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

It's a good thing they have a daughter instead of a son.
They sound like the bride burning type for more gain.

You are well rid of her and them.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

My almost XW called me twice yesterday. First time, I was teaching a class, and missed the call. Didn't call her back. Second time, she called me around 1:30 in the night. I didn't even check the number and answered impulsively. She was asking me how I am, and how my work is going. I answered everything in one or two words. Next time she calls me I am going to tell her not to bother me again with cheap talks anymore. Damn I wish I were not so sleepy when I answered the call.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It gets better indeed.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You are right.

Ignore her.

Glad to see you are doing better.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> You are right.
> 
> Ignore her.
> 
> Glad to see you are doing better.


Thanks. The past keeps losing its value with every passing day. We humans create our own bondings and once they get shattered it feels amazing.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

life101 said:


> My almost XW called me twice yesterday. First time, I was teaching a class, and missed the call. Didn't call her back. Second time, she called me around 1:30 in the night. I didn't even check the number and answered impulsively. She was asking me how I am, and how my work is going. I answered everything in one or two words. Next time she calls me I am going to tell her not to bother me again with cheap talks anymore. Damn I wish I were not so sleepy when I answered the call.
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It gets better indeed.


Awwww.. Life101, it has been a long time since you posted. Indeed it does get better. I guess it is the guilt that is eating at her. You actually need to change your number. Oh no don't. Ask her why she is phoning you and whether or not her so called husband does not satisfy her. Ask her whether he knows that she is calling you. Women, women, they never know what they want till they have lost it. Happy Valentine's to you too.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

life101 said:


> Just received another call from my almost XW. She is saying all those things like do well in what you are doing, you will also get a family and kids, and all those nice things. She kept asking me about my progress in the things I am currently involved with. I just wished her all the best in her forthcoming marriage and future family life. She started crying and said that I am also going to get those. I just said that I will get what god wants me to get. She said that she cannot be responsible for anyone anymore. I ended the call saying that we all make choices and we ourselves have to face consequences. I am facing mine, she will face hers. Nevertheless, I wished her all the best in her new life.


It sounds as though she is feeling guilty.

Although as stated by others complete detachment is best if I wanted some payback I'd spin her some BS about how I will never be able to trust another woman now and can never see myself having a family and kids now. Turn the screws of guilt even further.

I'd see if I can chat to her on facebook or similar, you must know what makes her tick, use that, **** his marriage up.

Petty and mean I know, and completely against all the 'rules' of detachment, but I'm mean and petty with people who dis me.

Not saying that is what he should do but I would, if punching them is not allowed nowadays then I'd mess them up other ways.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

life101 said:


> My almost XW called me twice yesterday. First time, I was teaching a class, and missed the call. Didn't call her back. Second time, she called me around 1:30 in the night. I didn't even check the number and answered impulsively. She was asking me how I am, and how my work is going. I answered everything in one or two words. Next time she calls me I am going to tell her not to bother me again with cheap talks anymore. Damn I wish I were not so sleepy when I answered the call.
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day everyone! It gets better indeed.


Next time she calls, just don't take the call. Don't respond. When you don't respond you're in control and the focus is on you!!! The less you care about her, the more she will envy you and your upcoming life.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

I also thought of not talking to her ever again. However, I think that showing how great I am doing is going to be my best revenge.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

In the end that is the only revenge....


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