# I've stepped away from my family, my husband won't.



## momof3wonderful (Apr 11, 2016)

Hi ladies. I have a major problem. I had a very difficult childhood, and as issues continued into adulthood, I've been pulling away from my mother and brother and that side of my family pretty gradually and consistently. I'm still very close with my father and stepmother. I have an ok relationship with my sister - no issues, just no commonality. Anyway, after a particularly painful and manipulative episode last year, I've completely stepped away from my mother and brother (they live about 4 hours away by plane, so it's not awkward here). Anyway, my husband has been trying to keep bringing us together in spite of everything I've told him about the emotional abuse, sometimes physical and manipulation and neglect I lived through. I have friends that I've told less to and they completely support me and wonder how I have it so together. Anyway, he continues to keep pushing it. There's a family reunion which I politely declined for acceptable reasons (busy schedule and finances), yet he is pushing to go with my daughter. I don't want my daughter in that environment, and I feel he is being emotionally manipulated by my brother and mother. This is a pattern in which he is consistently putting the perceived feelings and needs of others (and in some cases even physical safety) before me and our children. I can't find ANY resources on this because honestly, how often does someone force their wife to have a dysfunctional relationship with their wive's birth family. Anything you can point me to would be appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like your husband thinks that he is doing the right thing by playing mediator and fixer. If your mother and brother are contacting him and pressuring him, that ups the pressure on him.

It also sounds like he does not realize that his job as your husband is to protect you.

You might want to insist on marital counseling on a couple of topics.. one being that he is out of line when he does not stand up for you and protect you. The other is that he needs to end his contact with your mother and brother.


Did your husband know you mother and brother for a long time before you two became a couple?

Does your husband come from a family with a history of similar abuse? He seems to not take abuse seriously. Why?


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## momof3wonderful (Apr 11, 2016)

He did not know my mother or brother before he knew me. In fact, when we started dating my brother and I were not speaking bc of physical issues. He pushed to reconcile for the wedding. 

He is not from the same background. Neither parent was abusive and and he came from a broken home and his mom and he had a very close relationship. Both of his parents are deceased. We have had numerous instances where other parties outside of our family unit are considered more for feelings etc than myself and our children. We've just gotten over a year of problems as a result. And I felt he had listened and got the idea until now. I'm incredibly disheartened and feel it will never change and he even puts our kids well being behind others feelings. It's to the point I'm not sure how this will end up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you tried counseling?


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## momof3wonderful (Apr 11, 2016)

I'm having trouble posting so sorry if this is repeated. I'd like to try counseling but not sure he'd go for it. Plus I kind of just want someone to talk some sense into him (from a different point of view) so that he might just realize what his mistakes in this area are. 

This morning my daughter asked why I'd didn't want them to go. I had to tell my three young children a few of the things that have influenced my decision to remove myself from my birth family. One of my kids when I told them that their dad knew these things and still pushed the issue said "well, he looks pretty foolish".


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

momof3wonderful said:


> I'm having trouble posting so sorry if this is repeated. I'd like to try counseling but not sure he'd go for it. Plus I kind of just want someone to talk some sense into him (from a different point of view) so that he might just realize what his mistakes in this area are.
> 
> This morning my daughter asked why I'd didn't want them to go. I had to tell my three young children a few of the things that have influenced my decision to remove myself from my birth family. One of my kids when I told them that their dad knew these things and still pushed the issue said "well, he looks pretty foolish".


My initial response on reading this was I could understand your H not wanting to see another broken family and trying to hold your side together for the kids. 

But then when I read further and you mention emotional and physical abuse, and the fact that it continued fairly recently, I can't understand why he would want his children exposed to that in any way whatsoever. 

He needs to support you, but even more he needs to protect his children from being exposed to any form of abusive relationship.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You need to say it to him in a non-confusing manner that you do NOT want anything to do with them, ever. The end. Even if you have to sound harsh, say it clearly and to the point. Let him know you're not going to do it. 

If you are 100% on your decision to stay distanced from them, tell him that. Tell him it will not be up for discussion anymore. Pushing someone to try and reconnect with an abuser is emotionally damaging. 

It seems to weird that he would even try to push something like that at all when he knows about the abuse...like wtf?


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