# his affair



## smalldreams01 (Oct 1, 2009)

My husband had an affair four mths. ago with my youngest sons cub scout den mom. I'm still hurt over the affair but do not bring it up anymore. But my husband checks all my emails asks why my daughters friends (whom is 16) talk to me all the time insinuating that Iam flirting with teenage children. I am very involved with my children's activities in school band for my daughter and football with my son. I don't understand how he can think I would be attracted to a child in a sexual manner.
It makes me sick to my stomach. He is now saying we are drifting apart that I do not participate enough when we make love. I don't understand how he can think this I call and text him during the day to tell him I love him how proud of him I'am for working so hard. I kiss him as soon as I walk in the door from one practice or another. am I doing something wrong??? I don't know what to say or do anymore!!!!


----------



## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

It appears to me that he may either still be having an affair, or that he is justifying his "reason" for doing so. In my own experience, when my husband was cheating, and afterward, he became accusatory and jealous in the same manner that you have described.

Like I have said before: "You don't look behind the door, unless you have been there."


----------



## smalldreams01 (Oct 1, 2009)

thank you for the reply that makes alot of sense


----------



## fulltimemom (Oct 1, 2009)

My husband says he didn't have an affair - he just made a blunder one night. I can't accept that.....

A couple of days ago, I borrowed his cell phone to use as an alarm. Don't know what made me do it, but I checked his email trash can and found a couple of emails to a female co-worker he sent one night recently whilst out in a bar. He said his friend thought she was really cool, and so did he. He ended his message with "wish you were here". 

I found it really weird and asked him about it. From the outset I knew he was hiding something, so kept asking. He eventually said that during a week away with work, over a month ago, he had spent a lot of time with her in the bars in the evenings and got on really well with her. He said he had talked about how marriages can be difficult. Then he said he was drunk when he sent the more recent messages and deeply regretted them (I couldn't find any others, so was going to let it drop, but I could see from his face he was not telling me the whole truth). I said so to him I knew he was lying, but I wasn't going to push it. It was up to him. 

He finally admitted that one night during the week away, he walked her back to her hotel and they kissed on the way. He said she invited him up to her room and he went. He said when it came down to her wanting him to have sex with him, he said no, it "wasn't him" that he loved his wife (me), and wanted to leave it there. He did, however stay the night in her bed. He says nothing happened and the next day he got up and left and nothing has happened between them since that evening.

The next morning, I packed a bag for me and the children (we have four). I left him at home all day, and I took the children out after school. I asked him to leave the house and check into a hotel before we got home. It lasted one night as he badgered me all the next day to let him come home. I gave in, mostly for the children, but regret it as I can't even stand to look at him. He's in the guest room, but I'm not sure I even want him in the house.

He says it was just a stupid mistake, doesn't mean anything and we should be able to move on . He says he didn't have an affair and crucially, he didn't have sex which he seems to think counts for a lot. I do not think like him and am totally destroyed by the whole thing. I sent his co-worker an email letting her know that I had found out and how hurt I was. She didn't reply. I am so angry that he, and she have done this to my family which is the most important thing in my life.

I don't know what to do.


----------



## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Fulltimemom, 
Affairs are NOT mistakes or "blunders," but rather the product of the very selfish choices of self-involved, immature people. A mistake is something that a person doesn't mean to happen. Affairs are consciously thought out indiscretions.

Anger is only one of the many emotions associated with the aftermath of an affair. There will be many, unfortunately.


----------



## John1972 (Oct 1, 2009)

I think my wife cheated although she swears up and down she didnt. She is not interested in Sex, she cannot achieve the big O while with me, i think?? and has fatasies during sex about other men and has very detailed stories about them?? Am I crazy?


----------



## John1972 (Oct 1, 2009)

To: fulltimemom,
I am a stay at home dad and cook and clean and such, i dont ask for brownie buttons but it would be nice to get a pass to hang out with a buddy, my question is how did you find out your husband cheated, and where is a wifes favorite hiding place for things?


----------



## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

No, I do not think you are crazy, but your wife likely is. Or maybe just selfish. Either way, it appears that the two of you have problems. You should make communication a priority in your marriage.


John1972 said:


> I think my wife cheated although she swears up and down she didnt. She is not interested in Sex, she cannot achieve the big O while with me and has fatasies during sex about other men and has very detailed stories about them?? Am I crazy?


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm so sorry for all of the pain your spouses have put you through. John, fantasies about other men may or may not have anything to do with an affair. Do you have your own thread?

Fulltimemom -- your husband is full of ****. He wants to get past it because he's the bad guy. But you're just finding out about it and you don't know the truth and will never know the full truth. If he wants you to get past it, what's he going to do to help you get there? If he's going to be a stubborn prick about it, kick him out again. Show him what cheaters get. He has to show remorse and to understand what he's done to you and the children. He wrecked everything. He did it. You didn't do it. He did.


----------



## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

He has to own up to his part of the affair. He can't sugar coat it and think it will go away. I kept pressing the subject until mine admitted it. Thing was I had concrete proof had everything printed out. I didn't let him know I just kept at it until he finally told the truth. Funny thing is even though I told him little things here and there he still would lie to my face. Even now he would love for everything to just go away. I said that is easy for you to say it's not that easy for me. But we talk and deal with it as it comes up. That is the only way to start to heal. It may take another year maybe 10 years who knows? Just make sure you let your feeling out and make yourself heard.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You are not doing anything wrong, he is. If he accused me of drifting apart, I would have to respond that 'yes, when your spouse implies you are a pedophile, it tends to have that affect.' That's ridiculous. 

He seems to be checking up on you without good reason to do so, has he been open with his email, phone, whereabouts? He is the one who should be working hard to regain your trust and rebuild the closeness.

I don't think shoving the affair under the carpet will help your marriage. I definitely don't think throwing in his face will help either, but he needs to be willing to open up to you about what he felt was missing that caused him to stray (if he has not already) and you should be able to also identify what you want within your marriage to feel close to him. His accusations are having the opposite affect and will only create more problems.


----------

