# Wife denies intimacy in favor of iphone....



## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Long time lurker, first time posting my issue. So my wife and I have had quite a roller coaster over the past 16 years. I am 36 and she is 32, and we have 3 kids. My problem is that she would rather be on her Iphone reading facebook or playing games, or pintrest rather than being intimate with me. I do not know what else I can do. I share the household responsibilities and take care of all the outside work and the vehicles. I also go get the groceries and I get her cigs and beer when she needs them. So, I am doing my share and then some. I kind thought she may be cheating or having an emotional affair, but I have done some digging but turned up nothing. I have tried talking to her about this, and she directs it to “oh, something else that’s wrong with me huh?” I don’t know what else to do. I tried to initiate sex the other night, but she told me that she would rather go to sleep because she had to get up early the next morning. But instead of lying down and going to sleep, she laid down and got on her phone, read some facebook, played some games, then tried going to sleep. This took her about 40 minutes. It really hurt my feelings to be reduced to that level.

She can spend hours on her phone and when something needs done, she will ask me to do it. Today, I am at work, and although it may be wrong, I set up our home security camera inside the house pointed toward the kitchen table (her fav spot to be on her phone) and she has been there since 7:45am, and its now 11:30 am. She sends me a message that says, hey, if I make a grocery list, can you go to walmart when you get off? I am just fed up with it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

So don't go. More chores will not = more sex.

Make her put the phone down to go do stuff. What's she going to do, cut you off?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to rethink your entire way of operating.

She set up your life so that she calls the shots, gets you to do everything, gets to do whatever she wants to do, and keeps you jumping through these hoops by denying sex.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

This is true, but what do I say when she lays down in the bed and whips out the phone? "hey babe, put that phone down and blow me..." It's not that I mind doing stuff, I just am thinking if I quit, she will just get mad and withhold hit altogether. Typically, we are only having sex about once a month, and if I never hinted or said anything about sex, she wouldnt initiate either.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

So should I make myself less available after I get off work? She works too, but is on her christmas break.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Okay its probably not that her phone is sooo interesting. She's just distracting herself from you. Shed rather be in her own little world than to spend any time with you.

-She's not interested in holding up her end chores wise
-She's not treating you with respect.
-And regardless of what she may say to appease you she is NOT attracted to you.

Have you ever asked her why she feels the need to check out of your marriage? 

Have you ever asked her if she's satisfied in the bedroom? Or even if she stills finds you physically attractive?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> This is true, but what do I say when she lays down in the bed and whips out the phone? "hey babe, put that phone down and blow me..." It's not that I mind doing stuff, I just am thinking if I quit, she will just get mad and withhold hit altogether. Typically, we are only having sex about once a month, and if I never hinted or said anything about sex, she wouldnt initiate either.


You don't have to be a jerk about it, but be honest. "I thought you said you were to tired for sex, but you've been on the phone for 40 minutes..."

This makes her aware that you've noticed, and it also makes her responsible for her actions. She has to own it, and either she has to explain why (likely no good explanation) or she'll have to admit you're right (likely by not responding or by getting mad).

I think you are likely jumping through hoops for sex. i was there, I did that. Don't do that. Remember, when your life's over and you have to look back on it, you want to respect yourself.

If she's sitting around the house all day doing nothing but reading her iPhone, tell her that she has enough time in the dayt o go to Wal-Mart that she can do it. Heck, she can do both at the same time.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> So should I make myself less available after I get off work? She works too, but is on her christmas break.


Why not just start doing 'you' stuff? Why are you making yourself so available to her when she's not to you?

Start go out with friends, or take up a hobby or something. If she's not helping you enjoy life, go do stuff that does.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Okay its probably not that her phone is sooo interesting. She's just distracting herself from you. Shed rather be in her own little world than to spend any time with you.
> 
> -She's not interested in holding up her end chores wise
> -She's not treating you with respect.
> ...


Strange that you ask this, but yes I did tell her about a month ago that I didnt think she was physically or sexually attracted to me. Her response was that she isnt physcially or sexually attracted to anyone. I felt like my heart was pulled out of my ass. I used to spend a lot of time on a PC game, but gave it up because I saw that it was interfering with my relationship with kids and wife. But all that has changed now. She is satisfied in the bedroom. I can get her to orgasm everytime by clit and the other day, I gave her a g spot orgasm, she didnt even know what happened. It was with my fingers though. I have not asked her why she feels the need to check out of the marriage.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> Strange that you ask this, but yes I did tell her about a month ago that I didnt think she was physically or sexually attracted to me. Her response was that she isnt physcially or sexually attracted to anyone. I felt like my heart was pulled out of my ass. I used to spend a lot of time on a PC game, but gave it up because I saw that it was interfering with my relationship with kids and wife. But all that has changed now. She is satisfied in the bedroom. I can get her to orgasm everytime by clit and the other day, I gave her a g spot orgasm, she didnt even know what happened. It was with my fingers though. I have not asked her why she feels the need to check out of the marriage.


I'll bet you orgasm everytime you have sex too. Are you satisfied?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Don't play games.

First you need to have a rule in your life... "The Iphone has no place in our bedroom".

Make rules and live by them.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Why not just start doing 'you' stuff? Why are you making yourself so available to her when she's not to you?
> 
> Start go out with friends, or take up a hobby or something. If she's helping you enjoy life, go do stuff that does.


I did so because I once wasnt helping out as much as I needed to, but now I do more than my equal share, and it's a habit I formed I guess. I have started going out more, and I am getting back into my hotrod again. Good advice man, thanks.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I'll bet you orgasm everytime you have sex too. Are you satisfied?


lol, ok, well, no I am not. Basically because I do all the foreplay on her and I get none really. She used to do oral, she used to do hand jobs, but over that past few years, they have become none existent.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Don't play games.
> 
> First you need to have a rule in your life... "The Iphone has no place in our bedroom".
> 
> Make rules and live by them.


I like this, but then I think she may not ever come to bed! Joking aside, how the hell do I even start that conversation with her?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> lol, ok, well, no I am not. Basically because I do all the foreplay on her and I get none really. She used to do oral, she used to do hand jobs, but over that past few years, they have become none existent.


That's kind of my point.

I'm not saying your wife is lying here, but entertain the thought that she's just telling you what you want to hear in order to get off the topic. She may not even want to have sex with you, but she'll tell you things are great just to get you to stop asking about it.

That's why it's good to 'man up' so to speak. Just start doing your things. Make sure you speand time with her and the kids and do your fair share around the house, but start making time for your friends, your hobbies, your desires too. And stand up to her if you think she's demanding to much from you (like sitting around the house and telling you to go to Wal-Mart). Stand your ground and demand what's fair by your actions, not your words. She'll argue with youif you say it, so just do it. 

Also, hit the gym, work out, and start taking care of yourself and start having a genarally positive attitude. It's hard, I know, but try to do it. You'll show a different, and more positive you, and she may feel the need to up her game to match yours. Often, that'll increase the sexual frequency, desire and possibly the variety.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> she directs it to “oh, something else that’s wrong with me huh?”


Is this in reference to you asking her not to be so into her iphone, facebook, pintrest ...et. al? Or does this possibly stem from something deeper? Is sex the only battle for you or are there several other things you request of her? Like, why don't you cook more, when you do this I wish you would do it this way, you should dress up more, don't make that for dinner, Can you rub my back, can you wash my shirts tonight and not tomorrow....



McMuffin said:


> hey, if I make a grocery list, can you go to walmart when you get off?


How would this response go for that text? 
Yes Honey, Awesome!! Sounds like fun! How would you like to get me off? I'd love a blow job! 



McMuffin said:


> But instead of lying down and going to sleep, she laid down and got on her phone, read some facebook, played some games, then tried going to sleep.


Sounds like a perfect opportunity to pull out the Ipad or Laptop.(if you have one)... Type in the address bar: youporn.com or redtube.com, or pornhub.com. She has hobbies, so can you. It's the "two wrongs" theory.
Ok, maybe not.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

nevergoback said:


> Is this in reference to you asking her not to be so into her iphone, facebook, pintrest ...et. al? Or does this possibly stem from something deeper? Is sex the only battle for you or are there several other things you request of her? Like, why don't you cook more, when you do this I wish you would do it this way, you should dress up more, don't make that for dinner, Can you rub my back, can you wash my shirts tonight and not tomorrow....
> 
> I told her that I was concerned about her health and that her smoking and drinking could be contributing to her lack of sleep, feeling tired throughout the day, feeling more stressed, etc. She interpreted that as me sayin she drank and smoked too much and therefore I was explaining what I saw "wrong" with her.....
> 
> ...


Yes I have a laptop that is next to my bed, I carry it from home to work everyday. As soon as she comes to bed, I put it away as a sign of respect, but that does not get reciprocated back to me.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

McMuffin said:


> I have tried talking to her about this, and she directs it to “oh, something else that’s wrong with me huh?”


This says a lot... probably a lot of what you're not telling us.

What else is wrong in the marriage? What are you NOT doing that has her more interested in something else?

I'm not saying it's your fault, but there's more here than her being on the phone.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> This says a lot... probably a lot of what you're not telling us.
> 
> What else is wrong in the marriage? What are you NOT doing that has her more interested in something else?
> 
> I'm not saying it's your fault, but there's more here than her being on the phone.


Chris, I had just posted that in the my post prior to yours. I started noticing that she was drinking a little much. She says its a stress releiver and calms her down, so does her smoking. She says she can slow down or stop when she wants. Since talking to her about it, she has began to have days when she didnt drink at all, or days when she may have one or two instead of 4-5. Me telling her about her Iphone was met with her explaining to me that it was her "hobby" and a stress reliever, and it must be yet another thing that is "wrong" with her.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Tell her sex is a much more active hobby you both can enjoy and IS most definitely a stress reliever.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Tell her sex is a much more active hobby you both can enjoy and IS most definitely a stress reliever.


I have tried putting it that way. She sees it has another addition to her "to do" list. However, when we get in the bed and she gets arroused, I know it isnt a show, she IS enjoying it and even makes the comment of why we dont do it more often. However, the next day, all her stressors become excuses to why it doesnt happen more often. I know I can do things differently, so the blame isnt totally on her. I think part of her thinks the I will revert back to the way I used to be.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> Yes I have a laptop that is next to my bed, I carry it from home to work everyday. As soon as she comes to bed, I put it away as a sign of respect, but that does not get reciprocated back to me.


A) Does she know that's why you put it away, or are you hoping she'll just pick up on it and reciprocate?

B) Don't bring it to the bedroom at all. It'll be hard to convince her to not bring the iPhone to bed if you haev your laptop sitting there.



McMuffin said:


> I have tried putting it that way. She sees it has another addition to her "to do" list. However, when we get in the bed and she gets arroused, I know it isnt a show, she IS enjoying it and even makes the comment of why we dont do it more often. However, the next day, all her stressors become excuses to why it doesnt happen more often. I know I can do things differently, so the blame isnt totally on her. I think part of her thinks the I will revert back to the way I used to be.


How about the next time you have sex and she makes this comment after, tell her that you'd love that but that sex really is only once a month, so maybe as a wayaround this a sex schedule could be discussed? It's not uber sexy I know, but you right now want to just get the frequency up and her thinking about sex more often, so it could be a start. Tell her it'd just be for a few months to see how it goes, so there's no longer term commitment.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> A) Does she know that's why you put it away, or are you hoping she'll just pick up on it and reciprocate?


No, she doesnt know that is why I do it. 



> B) Don't bring it to the bedroom at all. It'll be hard to convince her to not bring the iPhone to bed if you haev your laptop sitting there.


Good idea, I will leave it out of the bedroom as well.





> How about the next time you have sex and she makes this comment after, tell her that you'd love that but that sex really is only once a month, so maybe as a wayaround this a sex schedule could be discussed? It's not uber sexy I know, but you right now want to just get the frequency up and her thinking about sex more often, so it could be a start. Tell her it'd just be for a few months to see how it goes, so there's no longer term commitment.


This sounds like a good idea to me and I think she may agree, I will give this a shot, thank you!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

McMuffin said:


> Chris, I had just posted that in the my post prior to yours. I started noticing that she was drinking a little much. She says its a stress releiver and calms her down, so does her smoking. She says she can slow down or stop when she wants. Since talking to her about it, she has began to have days when she didnt drink at all, or days when she may have one or two instead of 4-5. Me telling her about her Iphone was met with her explaining to me that it was her "hobby" and a stress reliever, and it must be yet another thing that is "wrong" with her.


She's distancing herself from you with the iPhone and booze. Why? Only you can find out.

Ask her if you are REALLY meeting her needs. If she says no, you have an opening to figure out how you can do that and improve the situation.

If she says yes, then explain to her that for that to continue, she has to meet your needs. Otherwise, your resentment and frustration will continue to grow, you won't be able to meet her needs and the marriage will fall apart.

See what she says then.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I didn't this question asked directly in this thread, so I'll ask it. OP, are you sure it's just the phone that is pulling her away from you or is it SOMEONE that your wife is connecting with through the phone? Sometimes those games can result in people meeting up, and she could have met someone on a game that she was playing.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I didn't this question asked directly in this thread, so I'll ask it. OP, are you sure it's just the phone that is pulling her away from you or is it SOMEONE that your wife is connecting with through the phone? Sometimes those games can result in people meeting up, and she could have met someone on a game that she was playing.


In the beginning, I thought this and unless she covers her tracks very well, I saw nothing. She leaves her phone out all the time, as do I. When I was wondering how a person could stare at a phone for so damn long, I had to look and see if I could find anything to do with another person. I checked every game, and the chat windows in those games and found nothing. I checked facebook, her friends list, the messages, her email accounts and nothing. I trust her, it has been in the back of my mind, but I have used a VAR too and found nothing hinting at another person. Unless there is something I am missing, I have ruled this out.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your problem is that your wife isn't attracted to you. So you need to become more attractive to her. Lose weight. Gain muscle mass. Make more money. Go out more. Take charge more.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP.

Good luck.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Your problem is that your wife isn't attracted to you. So you need to become more attractive to her. Lose weight. Gain muscle mass. Make more money. Go out more. Take charge more.
> 
> Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP.
> 
> Good luck.


I will check it out! And yes I know she used to be attracted to me, but now she isnt. I have started losing wieght already and focusing on myself.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

what is this "map" ?


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## landon33 (Jul 13, 2012)

The Male Action Plan as outlined in:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

McMuffin said:


> what is this "map" ?


It's the Marriage Action Plan to get your wife attracted to you again.

Athol Kay, the author, has only given the specifics of his entire plan in his book, to encourage folks to buy it. But you can get the basics from his free blog. As I said, lose weight, gain muscle, be assertive. You should balance attractive behaviors (alpha) with comforting behaviors (beta). Often, women just respond instinctively to a more attractive husband. But for the women who don't, there are some other steps leading up to a possible ultimatum.

Basically, wives are attracted to men who are in demand. If your wife believes that she's the only woman on Earth who is foolish enough to put up with you, then you don't get any sex. If your wife believes that you can easily replace her with a woman at least as good as she is, you get laid like tile.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife is trying to tell you that you are contributing to her lack of sexual desire for you. And when you try to tell her what she needs to change or do, you are only making it worse.

What is also happening is that you and being with you is not more compelling or interesting or pleasure inducing than playing with her phone.

Utlimately what you can most work on his yourself. This means being more of an attractive force in your marriage. It also involves deciding what you can or cannot tolerate in your marriage.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your wife is trying to tell you that you are contributing to her lack of sexual desire for you. And when you try to tell her what she needs to change or do, you are only making it worse.
> 
> What is also happening is that you and being with you is not more compelling or interesting or pleasure inducing than playing with her phone.
> 
> Utlimately what you can most work on his yourself. This means being more of an attractive force in your marriage. It also involves deciding what you can or cannot tolerate in your marriage.


I can totally see this. I ordered the book MMSLP to help me out with this. And as of today, will be working out and making it a priority. I will begin to change this about me and hell, it seems like I will enjoy life a little more anyway. 

Thank you all for the advice, I greatly appreciate it and it has been eye opening to say the least.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

This may sound counter intuitive, but it's extremely important.

The changes you are about to make - you are not making them to get laid more often.

You are making them to became a person who is leading a happy life.

Increases in teh quality and quantity of sex are often reported in men who are taking care of themself and leading a happy life, but are not guarenteed.

You will have subtle and deeply rooted emotional obsticals if you do this just for the sex. "If I do this, I'll get more sex". It's a covert contract - you'll be expecting your wife to fulfill her end of the bargin, but she isn't even aware of the agreement. 

Furthermore, you have no control over her and she is broken in her own ways that may prevent her from responding positively.

If you haven't picked up on it, sex is rarely the problem by itself. It is the symptom of other problems. MMSL is about solving those other problems.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

I do indeed understand that I need to work on me first before I can reasonably expect her to notice. I have started a plan to work out, and get back into my hobbies as the beginning of focusing on myself first. I cant wait for the book to get here! Honestly, I do want more sex, but I have been reading this forum and others and it definitely starts with me and being who I want to be.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

So my wife told me last night that I met her needs and the phone just helps her relieve stress. How, I dont know, she just said it did. I have put my foot down about being on it while we are having an important discussion. She has complied. I didnt get to making the rule of no iphone in the bedroom, but I already see her just not coming to bed until she has had her facebook/app/games fix. I don't know how it will go but I expect to be met with a brick wall and a cannon when I mention this.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> So my wife told me last night that I met her needs and the phone just helps her relieve stress. How, I dont know, she just said it did. I have put my foot down about being on it while we are having an important discussion. She has complied. I didnt get to making the rule of no iphone in the bedroom, but I already see her just not coming to bed until she has had her facebook/app/games fix. I don't know how it will go but I expect to be met with a brick wall and a cannon when I mention this.


Then come at it with a different approach. Instead of telling her 'no more phone in the bedroom' tell her that you worry that the closeness in the relationship isn't as strong as you'd like and invite her to have a discussion on that. Once into the discussion tell her that you wonder if spending more time together at night might help, and then suggest no more electronics in the bedroom. Then, before she says anything, offer to make your laptop the first thing that gets removed from the bedroom.

If you come at it in the form of a suggestion, rather than a demand, she likely won't fire a cannonball down your throat and you may get her thinking.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Then come at it with a different approach. Instead of telling her 'no more phone in the bedroom' tell her that you worry that the closeness in the relationship isn't as strong as you'd like and invite her to have a discussion on that. Once into the discussion tell her that you wonder if spending more time together at night might help, and then suggest no more electronics in the bedroom. Then, before she says anything, offer to make your laptop the first thing that gets removed from the bedroom.
> 
> If you come at it in the form of a suggestion, rather than a demand, she likely won't fire a cannonball down your throat and you may get her thinking.


Great advice, I will use this approach and report back!


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Another positive approach would also be setting timelines... suggest (gently yet assertively) about how long you think she should be spending time on her iphone...get her to agree on a specific time...
Ask her _'Honey...say I thought of spending time on my laptop/iphone purely for the purpose of entertainment/recreation/stress-busting...how long do you think would be appropriate...'_
Now hopefully her answer is sensible (within 1-2 hours) then reverse the same logic back to her...
However, if her answer is _'How much ever time you need'_ then you could go into the health/social pitfalls of spending too much time on gaming/electronic devices...

This would be similar to how we guide children who are hooked onto videogames... like the 1 hour rule per day...in your wife's case you can't make it a rule but more like a guideline...
If your wife is game and realizes that she's spending 1 - 2 hours a day on her iphone. (which is quite substantial), subconsciously, she should be knowing that that is more than enough to relieve her stress...she'd have no reason to pout that she's forced to give up her all-time favourite hobby...and once she's done that she should revert back to you (hopefully happily)...Once a timeline is agreed upon she'd know that you have no qualms with her spending say two hours with her phone (during the day)...then in turn, she should be happy to spend the rest of her free time with you (and family)...i.e. sometime for herself and then sometime for you...

If she does do this willingly, enforce it with positive encouragement...i.e. that how happy you are to be with her and to spend time with her...follow it up possibly with a little surprise 'gift' (don't make a habit of it...but following a week or two that she's managed to successfully put the iphone down early, you could surprise her with a date at a place she generally likes - that way you both spend time, she's happy and you're happy!)

Also, you could let her know that you wouldn't want any iphone/laptops etc half an hour-1 hour before you go to bed...that way you both can reconnect and have time to talk/be intimate...

Beware & be alert though - that she doesn't start falling back into her usual routine a few days/weeks/months afterwards... gently nudge her in the right direction every time you feel she's falling back into her old routine (i.e. when 2 hours on the iphone again starts becoming 2 1/2...and then three...)
(speaking from experience)

Obviously, follow the other self-help advice on here too and keep going at it...whatever her reactions might be...


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Try to talk your wife about this matter. Do not let it ruin your marriage.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Have you tried walking up to your wife after the kids are in bed, taking the phone, setting it on the table and taking your wife right there?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> what is this "map" ?


You are learned in all facets of surveillance, VAR, etc, yet don't know what the MAP is?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why not just nick the phone and have her wrestle you to get it back? 

Ok it might not work but it would be fun to see her reaction


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Zing said:


> Another positive approach would also be setting timelines... suggest (gently yet assertively) about how long you think she should be spending time on her iphone...get her to agree on a specific time...
> Ask her _'Honey...say I thought of spending time on my laptop/iphone purely for the purpose of entertainment/recreation/stress-busting...how long do you think would be appropriate...'_
> Now hopefully her answer is sensible (within 1-2 hours) then reverse the same logic back to her...
> However, if her answer is _'How much ever time you need'_ then you could go into the health/social pitfalls of spending too much time on gaming/electronic devices...


I touched on this with her, but didn't quite put it this way. I suspect her reaction to be something like "I am not one a child.. blah blah blah.."



> This would be similar to how we guide children who are hooked onto videogames... like the 1 hour rule per day...in your wife's case you can't make it a rule but more like a guideline...
> If your wife is game and realizes that she's spending 1 - 2 hours a day on her iphone. (which is quite substantial), subconsciously, she should be knowing that that is more than enough to relieve her stress...she'd have no reason to pout that she's forced to give up her all-time favourite hobby...and once she's done that she should revert back to you (hopefully happily)...Once a timeline is agreed upon she'd know that you have no qualms with her spending say two hours with her phone (during the day)...then in turn, she should be happy to spend the rest of her free time with you (and family)...i.e. sometime for herself and then sometime for you...


Let me say that on a normal day when she works that day, after she gets home, she will spend a total of 4-5 or more hours on the phone. Honestly, if she is not moving from one place to the other, she is in fact doing something on her phone. And sometimes, she is looking at it while on her way to do something, say from the kitchen to the laundry room. She does manage (most of the time) to get her equal share of the housework done somehow. On days she does not work, I would say she is on her phone if she is not moving around the house. It's like she has to keep up with the gossip on FB, or keep up playing games with her friends. But if I want to talk to her or if the kids need to talk to her, we have to interupt the view between her eyes and iphone.... I mean, it's that bad...


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Michael A. Brown said:


> Try to talk your wife about this matter. Do not let it ruin your marriage.


Michael, the first time I mentioned it, it was met with a loud roar followed by some cuss words, and that she doesnt try to take away what I like to do, so why am I trying to take away what she likes to do? She marked it as something I was trying to change about her. I pretty much shook my head and went about my business.

The second time I blew up on her, as I thought that if I show her truly how much it pisses me off, and that she couldnt possibly show me more anger, then she might get it. That day was a Saturday and I was trying to clean the house up because we were going to go out after church and didnt want the babysitter to come over to a dirty house. (well, it wasnt that dirty, just cluttered with toys) She planted her ass at the kitchen table and didnt move for hours and when she would go outside to smoke, she stayed on it there too. I walked out and stood in front of her until she looked up and asked me what was going on, and I let her have it. She then threw her phone down and was pissed off. I just went inside and let her be pissed. She slowed down for a while, but eventually reverted back.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Have you tried walking up to your wife after the kids are in bed, taking the phone, setting it on the table and taking your wife right there?


We have an agreement now that when we sit down to discuss things that are important, she show respect and put the phone down while we talk.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> You are learned in all facets of surveillance, VAR, etc, yet don't know what the MAP is?


True, I had no idea. I found out about the VAR on a different site, when I thought there may be another man because she was on the phone so damn much. I ordered this book and cant wait to read it.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Why not just nick the phone and have her wrestle you to get it back?
> 
> Ok it might not work but it would be fun to see her reaction


I think I am going to do this out of pure spite (sounds a little Alpha to me too)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'll tell you McMuffin, yelling and stealing that phone won't solve anything and only make things worse.

First, very few things get settled positively in a marriage through fighting. So try to avoid it unless it's truly needed.

Secondly, the phone is just the surface issue here. Your fight isn't with the phone, it's with whatever is causing your wife to elect to be on the phone so much.

You need to find out what that is. I suspect a large part of it does dwell in the fact you need to alpha male up. Don't do that through the caveman way of yelling and chest thumping. Do it by what has been suggested here, do your thing, get into shape, hang out with your friends, become more independant.

Run the MAP.

While doing this, from time to time discuss the phone and her volume of time on it. If you can, get some of her friends to point out too. In fact, friends and family can be a better group to point it out as she is more likely to view them as a neutral party and not as likely to jump down their throats.

Getting back to the alpha male part for a bit, you need to get her to start coming to your point of view in terms of respect. In a marriage you should able to discuss everything as long as you do so in a polite and respectful manner. A key first step in 'manning up' would be to discuss with her how you feel it's difficult to talk to her about things because she gets mad at you for them. Tell her you don't want to tell her she can't do this or can't do that, but rather you want to just talk to her about things and understand them from her point of view.

Getting her to drop her guard for a few minutes and discuss things would allow you to get into her world a bit, and maybe you can through discuss show her how she really needs to slow down on the Facebooking, and the games, etc.

The more you yell and fight, the less likely she'll view you as a confidant, a friend and a husband, and that will only drive her further down the rabbit hole.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

She has a total addiction to her phone. I do the same exact thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Both my wife and I spend way to much time with our iDevices. As a weekend techie I have a few suggestions.

Make the iPhone a stressor not a stress reliever. Do you know how to change settings in your router? Plenty of websites to explain router configuration. Using the iPhone's unique MAC address you should be able to use QOS or another setting to SLOW down her connection. Make it as painful as a dial up connection. She could then use the data plan, but she will run out of her data allowance real quick using Facebook all the time,

Learn about jailbreaking. Jailbreak it if you can and find some malicious apps to make it run as well as a windows box. Winterboard is a good start, it will crash a lot. 

There are devices that can jam cell signals, may not be legal in your location.

Ever seen the YouTube video of a Dad that took a gun to his daughters notebook? 

iPhones are not waterproof.

Install free Find My IPhone, sign into iCloud with your apple id and then you can pass code lock her phone from yours whenever you want. If she complains you can even do a remote wipe. 

Superglue in the dock connector prevents it from recharging.

Don't pay the cell bill.

Pay a crack addict to hold her up and steal it.

Watching porn from your laptop is a good one also. The raunchier the better. Turn up the volume.

OR you could do as others have suggested and run the MAP, lawyer up, get MC, cut off the cigs and beer.


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## Phoenix_87 (Dec 24, 2012)

Do you make her feel loved during the day? like hugging, kissing with no sex intention, may be you help doing some chores and errands but is there a chance that she got used to it that she doesn't see it as a love "sign". Im telling you because My husband and I are in a similar position. During all day he barely touches me or kisses me and it really bothers me when we go to bed he starts smiling acting all happy and I just know what he is expecting and turns me off completely. He dont understand why or what he did wrong and feels unloved because I dont want sex and I feel like an objet and unloved because he only wants sex and dont seem to care about my feelings.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Phoenix_87 said:


> Do you make her feel loved during the day? like hugging, kissing with no sex intention, may be you help doing some chores and errands but is there a chance that she got used to it that she doesn't see it as a love "sign". Im telling you because My husband and I are in a similar position. During all day he barely touches me or kisses me and it really bothers me when we go to bed he starts smiling acting all happy and I just know what he is expecting and turns me off completely. He dont understand why or what he did wrong and feels unloved because I dont want sex and I feel like an objet and unloved because he only wants sex and dont seem to care about my feelings.


Yes, I hug, kiss, and tell her that I love her, and I show her that I mean it. She is just addicted to it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

McMuffin said:


> Yes, I hug, kiss, and tell her that I love her, and I show her that I mean it. She is just addicted to it.


Yeah. I want you to stop doing that. 

Tell me what message you believe you are sending her when you offer her sincere affection. I'm making the presumption that she does NOT exhibit the same to you in either frequency or sincerity, so let me know if I'm incorrect.

You have gotten all of the standard input. None of it is wrong. But most of it certainly isn't going to help you to resolve this issue.

So let me be clear what 'resolution' means.

You cannot change your wife. You cannot treat her like a child or an employee in hopes that she will pay more attention to you.

Most guys come here and learn about or implement the MAP with the goal of re-connecting emotionally and sexually with their detached wives.

That goal is the marketing and sales pitch of running the MAP. It is a possible outcome ... it not the only outcome or even the intended one.

The goal is to reset yourself, your values, your commitments and how you want to conduct your life as a man, a father, a husband, and a lover. I like to think of it as a 'Code of Conduct'.

What you read, what you think, and what you feel, don't matter much ... it all comes down to what you DO.

Action is required. You need to examine how YOU operate, and those are the changes you focus on, particularly when it comes to how you interact with others, and how you let others interact with you. 

You need to do less for her, and more for you. Everybody gets hung up on this thinking that it means 'be a jerk to your spouse'. It doesn't.

Her action, inaction, inattention, and poor behavior should never, ever, be something that you reward ... ever.

You are currently in a dynamic where she is very comfortable, and you are uncomfortable. She needs to be _less_ comfortable, which means you need to be far less accommodating.

The goal with the entire MAP exercise is to determine if your life is on the course you want it to be on, and importantly, if you have a PARTNER that wants to join you on it.

Do the right things and it will become very clear, very quickly, if your wife wants to remain in, and work on this marriage. 

And if you have been following the MAP, you will be prepared to recognize and deal with those circumstances regardless of the outcome.

You want to save your marriage? Then you need to be prepared to sacrifice it.

I strongly urge you to read this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

And you can find many others like it, here


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Deejo said:


> Yeah. I want you to stop doing that.
> 
> Tell me what message you believe you are sending her when you offer her sincere affection. I'm making the presumption that she does NOT exhibit the same to you in either frequency or sincerity, so let me know if I'm incorrect.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response! I am understanding this from the book. I try to only focus on being respectful to her, and getting more into being me. I do need to take better care of myself physically and mentally however and the MMSLP book has been great so far. I do realize that I have to be comfortable with letting her go should she not want the same things in the relationship as I do. Very good advice Deejo, thank you!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

McMuffin

Everything Deejo stated is right. I read MMSL and initially everything became worse because my goal was to have more sex with my wife. mutually desired sex. It didn't exactly happen the way that I wanted it to. It actually sucked....My wife is very stubborn.

I did get a life though. I started to feel better about myself and I started to ask women out for lunch. Mostly just female friends. I realized that womenenjoyed my company and I didn'tb even talk or complain about my wife.

That gave me more confidence to start talking to new women I was meeting at meetup groups and other activities I was doing.

I'll back up just va bit..... Like you, my wife told me to have sex with other women, she didn't care anymore... I know she never wanted me to do that. She was just tired of sex. She had no interest....Deep down, I am a good man and she knew I wouldnt cheat. I think I came close to that.

So for me, I am not afraid of D. I know I will have dates after a D. If that were to happen. I know women respond to me. Except my wife...

I think my wifes new friend talked some sense in to her. I don't know what she told my wie but it worked. Now my wife knows that I have a real possibility to have a realationship outside of marriage or if we D, I would be fine. I know she doesnt want to lose me and she definately doesnt want to D. Thats why she told me to have an A. She thought I could go have sex and get it out of my system and come back to her. 

McMuffin, You do have to be willing to sacrifice the marriage. Deejo is right about that.

The MAP was just a tool to open lines of real communication.

I still have to continue the MAP. I dont think this is a long term fix by any means.


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## Antman (Oct 19, 2013)

I've read all the replies and it seems to me that everyone here is assuming that your wife is "normal" but I just don't see it that way.
I suspect that she's suffering from depression and or anxiety AND that she has an addictive personality to boot.
Smoking is highly correlated to depression, as is drinking. 
I think she is quite literally "addicted" to her Iphone because it forms part of her daily habit and yes, it distracts her from her other issues.
I'm also willing to bet that if she formed a "new habit" that allowed her the distraction from her issues, she would do that instead.
As far as I can see, neither you nor the Iphone are the actual issue here. SHE has issues.
How to sort it I don't know. Maybe try and form a new "distracting habit" (like sex).
Best of luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

McMuffin in a previous thread-correct me if I'm wrong-wasn't she "talking" to your kid's friends dad?
Something about some sort of birthday function like a chucky cheeses your gut was telling you something then.

Sigh cheating or not she has lost respect for you act like you are willing to walk away.
I don't know what else to say my man.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Wow, just saw this revived, and really the only thing that has changed is she will put her phone away when I approach her, and she doesnt get on it very long when she gets in bed and actually will cuddle with me for a few minutes before going to sleep. 

I will have to look back at all my post to see about her talking to my kids' friends' dad. I have been monitoring her, although not nearly as much since nothing ever turned up. I chalked it up as her turning cold. Depression is very possible and she is going to see a doc next week. I finally told her its time to get a professional opinion, and she actually listened. However, we still have a LOT of issues and I am still not happy. I did run the MAP, and actually, ran a tough mudder race with a few friends in September. But, I am feeling left out of the marriage still and the nice guy came back. I realize the MAP is a lifelong practice now.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

With some spouses the 180 only brings relief because they're left alone...


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

you need to learn how to give good phone!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> lol, ok, well, no I am not. Basically because I do all the foreplay on her and I get none really. She used to do oral, she used to do hand jobs, but over that past few years, they have become none existent.


..........

Accepting this is leading to nothing good....


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