# How should I respond to negative comments about our impending move?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

My hubby has turned into a glass half empty type which drives me nuts normally. But right now, we have sold our huge house in the sticks and we are looking for something closer in, smaller, less maintenance and less money-- yes it is a tad challenging..the finding something, the new mortgage process, the sales process-- the moving itself! I understand that.

But I am trying my best to remember WHY we wanted to do this and that at the end of it all, we will have a simpler cheaper less stressful existence. There is a sort of satisfaction in a fresh start (at least to me). 

Hubby tends to simmer in negative thoughts and throws out bombs now and then that are sort of just hanging there.

Like yesterday, out of nowhere I get "I hope we don't regret this"-- well of course I hope we don't too, but well, we decided to go down this road and we are, so looking back and second guessing our decisions is totally unproductive you know?? Or he will say things like "we are NEVER going to get this house cleaned out in time"...well, I bet we will. I'd rather have him helping me problem solve that throwing out negativity bombs that I then have to solve. UGH

So what do I say to that sort of thing? It tends to piss me off ( the negativity) so often I say nothing to try and stay out of an argument, but that probably comes off as not acknowledging his feelings but again, we cannot undo what we have done so I am not sure how much I should respond.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> My hubby has turned into a glass half empty type which drives me nuts normally. But right now, we have sold our huge house in the sticks and we are looking for something closer in, smaller, less maintenance and less money-- yes it is a tad challenging..the finding something, the new mortgage process, the sales process-- the moving itself! I understand that.
> 
> But I am trying my best to remember WHY we wanted to do this and that at the end of it all, we will have a simpler cheaper less stressful existence. There is a sort of satisfaction in a fresh start (at least to me).
> 
> ...


Don't wait for one of his rants - prior to it when all is calm tell him it's tough on all of you, you're all nervous and uncertain and can he lead the family with positive outlook and comments.
Are you sure new house will help things? I know bickering is foundation of a lot of relationships and maybe you just come here to vent and let it all out - but do you like or respect your H at all? You differ in household rules, child rearing, rec time etc. Why not rent til some of this is figured out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Don't wait for one of his rants - prior to it when all is calm tell him it's tough on all of you, you're all nervous and uncertain and can he lead the family with positive outlook and comments.
> Are you sure new house will help things? I know bickering is foundation of a lot of relationships and maybe you just come here to vent and let it all out - but do you like or respect your H at all? You differ in household rules, child rearing, rec time etc. Why not rent til some of this is figured out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Sorry that did come out preachy! I don't mean it b!tchy - I'm just saying change of scenery may be good but before tying up in another mortgage - why not rent first and see if you even want to stay with him. Some of his traits really suck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Don't wait for one of his rants - prior to it when all is calm tell him it's tough on all of you, you're all nervous and uncertain and can he lead the family with positive outlook and comments.
> Are you sure new house will help things? I know bickering is foundation of a lot of relationships and maybe you just come here to vent and let it all out - but do you like or respect your H at all? You differ in household rules, child rearing, rec time etc. Why not rent til some of this is figured out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We very well might rent. I like him sometimes, but he has gotten so surly and negative over the past few years that it is hard. He is still ranting about our credit card debt-- EVERY DAY. The thing is HE has money (and then some) to pay it off if it bothers him THAT much (it doesn't really bother me, I know we have savings we could use to pay it off, but I prefer having the cash money there for other things). He complains alot but isn't good about finding solutions.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Sorry that did come out preachy! I don't mean it b!tchy - I'm just saying change of scenery may be good but before tying up in another mortgage - why not rent first and see if you even want to stay with him. Some of his traits really suck!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really do want to stay and make it work... I really feel like he needs some burdens lifted to make him feel happy again. Getting rid of the giant mortgage and property is step one... at least that was the intent.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> We very well might rent. I like him sometimes, but he has gotten so surly and negative over the past few years that it is hard. He is still ranting about our credit card debt-- EVERY DAY. The thing is HE has money (and then some) to pay it off if it bothers him THAT much (it doesn't really bother me, I know we have savings we could use to pay it off, but I prefer having the cash money there for other things). He complains alot but isn't good about finding solutions.


Put it back on him in question form. 'Okay honey, this debt is stressing you, what do you think we should do?'. 
Prompt him into finding solution instead of spinning his wheels. My H is very similar to yours in some regards - I've had to do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I really do want to stay and make it work... I really feel like he needs some burdens lifted to make him feel happy again. Getting rid of the giant mortgage and property is step one... at least that was the intent.



When he's negative, say 'oh I know it will be different, but think how freeing it will be to have more time and free money'
The downstairs bathroom comment from another post really hit home with me. That's my H's twin. Throw in stepkids (mine from previous marriage) who only got him in their lives when 10 and 13 to deal with that kind of quirkiness and we all have adjusting to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> When he's negative, say 'oh I know it will be different, but think how freeing it will be to have more time and free money'
> The downstairs bathroom comment from another post really hit home with me. That's my H's twin. Throw in stepkids (mine from previous marriage) who only got him in their lives when 10 and 13 to deal with that kind of quirkiness and we all have adjusting to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah...I just don't see everything being such a bit whoop all the time. Seriously, go with the flow....it is like he invents all these horrible what ifs in his mind and churns them over and over. 

For example, we just finished the application process for his mom to get on medicaid...he was such a HUGE pain about every teeny little detail. He flipped because his mom's checking account was overdrawn by accident when she got down to no money. I am like dude, go the the bank, explain she is broke and applying for medicaid and in ft nursing care...chill really. It is like he makes every little thing something big.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Agree with him. Negative unhappy people want attention don't give it to him. No matter what he says don't try to talk him out of it just agree with him. I call it playing the "here's your sign game" made famous by Bill Engvall. Your husband says "we are never going to get the house cleaned out" you respond by saying "your right it's never going to get done". If he says "I hope we don't regret this" you say "are you kidding I already regret it". All done with a smile and humor so he knows it's a game and you aren't taking him seriously. You have the right to get as rediculous with your comebacks as his statements are. That is the point of this game. Have fun with it. It works.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I can certainly tell you what didn't work for me. Early in our marriage, my wife and I moved to a cheaper apartment for similar reasons. She was very negative. At first, I told her that we were both under stress, so the negative comments didn't help. The comments continued, sometimes downright hostile. So I told her that while I liked a little a$$ just as much as the next guy, nobody likes a smarta$$. Results were less than stellar.

Seriously, though, either he will respond by your telling him how it makes you feel, or he won't. For me, continuous squabbling is not an option, and I only suck it up and take it when I feel like it helps her get through the experience. If the diplomatic response doesn't work, you might have to be pretty blunt about it, without resorting to my embarrasing example from my youth. Maybe suggest that before this comment, you had envisioned that the move would be completed with a romp on the mattress in the new place, but now you're just ... not so convinced.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Agree with him. Negative unhappy people want attention don't give it to him. No matter what he says don't try to talk him out of it just agree with him. I call it playing the "here's your sign game" made famous by Bill Engvall. Your husband says "we are never going to get the house cleaned out" you respond by saying "your right it's never going to get done". If he says "I hope we don't regret this" you say "are you kidding I already regret it". All done with a smile and humor so he knows it's a game and you aren't taking him seriously. You have the right to get as rediculous with your comebacks as his statements are. That is the point of this game. Have fun with it. It works.


LOL, it is worth a try... he also consistently implies that HE has to DO everything, which is so far from the truth I want to smack him. Of course, this is not just for the move he does this, it is everything.

We are going on vacation in our RV starting this weekend, as usual he is implying all over the place that he takes on the entire burden. While he does do the vast majority of physical labor related to the camper, I have to deal with 3 kids and their arrangements, packing, making sure they have clean laundry, have the right things etc. and we have a teen not going with us so I am in the throws of making sure she has everything she needs for where she is staying, money, and all that. I make arrangements for someone to pet sit, and all that kind of stuff. I guess it seems to him he does everything because I just do it without incessant whining over it.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> LOL, it is worth a try... he also consistently implies that HE has to DO everything, which is so far from the truth I want to smack him. Of course, this is not just for the move he does this, it is everything.
> 
> We are going on vacation in our RV starting this weekend, as usual he is implying all over the place that he takes on the entire burden. While he does do the vast majority of physical labor related to the camper, I have to deal with 3 kids and their arrangements, packing, making sure they have clean laundry, have the right things etc. and we have a teen not going with us so I am in the throws of making sure she has everything she needs for where she is staying, money, and all that. I make arrangements for someone to pet sit, and all that kind of stuff. I guess it seems to him he does everything because I just do it without incessant whining over it.


OMG - give me my H back you stole him! LOL! Mine does that too. He will spend a day on a project. I run the one teen around and look after infant and toddler so he can do his project uninterrupted and he does it ALL. He does laundry - and while I am grateful, I don't get acknowledged for the bathrooms, dusting, sweeping, mopping dishes etc. He's good at pointing out and picking up clutter but the deep cleaning magically does itself!
Seriously - when he started becoming happier with himself, some of these annoying traits disappeared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ignore it. Neurotics are an untapped well. There's no bottom no end to their grumbling.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> OMG - give me my H back you stole him! LOL! Mine does that too. He will spend a day on a project. I run the one teen around and look after infant and toddler so he can do his project uninterrupted and he does it ALL. He does laundry - and while I am grateful, I don't get acknowledged for the bathrooms, dusting, sweeping, mopping dishes etc. He's good at pointing out and picking up clutter but the deep cleaning magically does itself!
> Seriously - when he started becoming happier with himself, some of these annoying traits disappeared.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh I know, I have to EVERY SEASON, have THREE, yes THREE teen/pre-teen girls try clothing and shoes, and then I have to give away/throw away/donate what doesn't fit, then shop (and try to be frugal) for them.... and he says well wasn't that FUN?? Um no.... it is not even a little fun. :scratchhead:


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Ignore it. Neurotics are an untapped well. There's no bottom no end to their grumbling.


:rofl:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Again just agree with him. "Aww thank you honey. You are doing all the work for the trip. I'm so grateful too because I'm too busy watching my soaps to help." Big smile, kiss, hug, the works. Make it funny and humorous. 

Think of it as a male equivalent to a fitness test.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well it's true. My wife idles at grouchy and if I engage it it just gets worse. It's an invitation to her to complain more. Even if I agree with her. Some people just vent and vent and vent and vent and vent and there's no end.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Well it's true. My wife idles at grouchy and if I engage it it just gets worse. It's an invitation to her to complain more. Even if I agree with her. Some people just vent and vent and vent and vent and vent and there's no end.


The point of the "here's your sign" game is to make the other person feel stupid for saying idiot things like "we are NEVER going to get the house cleaned up". Most people hate to feel stupid. And you do it with humor and a smile/no sarcasm so as to not spark another fight. If done right this usually shuts people up. And if it doesn't it at least deflects and lessons the stress YOU feel when being around that person. You get to have fun with it instead of just taking it. It's a mature way of laughing at them for being stupid.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

For father's day my present was she decided to water treat the deck because apparently there was a memo tacked up somewhere I missed where I said I was going to do it weeks ago. So she did it and then proceeded to rub my face in it and tell me how much she resented it for the rest of the day. 

Gee thanks hon, I wouldn't have known you were a complete cylon beotch unless you acted like that 20 hrs a day 7 days a week. Thanks for the heads up!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> For father's day my present was she decided to water treat the deck because apparently there was a memo tacked up somewhere I missed where I said I was going to do it weeks ago. So she did it and then proceeded to rub my face in it and tell me how much she resented it for the rest of the day.
> 
> Gee thanks hon, I wouldn't have known you were a complete cylon beotch unless you acted like that 20 hrs a day 7 days a week. Thanks for the heads up!


Some present!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> For father's day my present was she decided to water treat the deck because apparently there was a memo tacked up somewhere I missed where I said I was going to do it weeks ago. So she did it and then proceeded to rub my face in it and tell me how much she resented it for the rest of the day.
> 
> Gee thanks hon, I wouldn't have known you were a complete cylon beotch unless you acted like that 20 hrs a day 7 days a week. Thanks for the heads up!


20 hours? Sleeps the other 4? Has she ever heard of Hallmark? Probably appreciate it more than the deck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yes the big BIG BIG sin in my book is ingratitude. You may not love me with all your heart you may not even like me all that much. But just say 'thank you' once in a while and be on your way. 'Thank you.'

I'm like Jessup in "A Few Good Men "

"I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post."


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> LOL, it is worth a try... he also consistently implies that HE has to DO everything, which is so far from the truth I want to smack him. Of course, this is not just for the move he does this, it is everything.
> 
> We are going on vacation in our RV starting this weekend, as usual he is implying all over the place that he takes on the entire burden. While he does do the vast majority of physical labor related to the camper, I have to deal with 3 kids and their arrangements, packing, making sure they have clean laundry, have the right things etc. and we have a teen not going with us so I am in the throws of making sure she has everything she needs for where she is staying, money, and all that. I make arrangements for someone to pet sit, and all that kind of stuff. I guess it seems to him he does everything because I just do it without incessant whining over it.


Hey Lisa ~
You are obviously a lot more patient person than I am. I am notorious for being impatient, and I would certainly be losing it if my husband was like yours.

Honestly, I don't know what the best way to handle him would be, but I would be sorely tempted to just give full responsibility over to him - let him get the RV and ALL of the girls ready for the trip by his lonesome so he can see just how much stuff you really do. I'd be sure I had pressing matters at work to do that precluded me from helping out this time.


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