# Just not feeling it anymore -- any suggestions?



## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

Hello everyone, I'm navigating some choppy waters here, and I'm hoping for a little advice.

A little background: I am in my late 50s, and my beloved husband is in his late 40s. Surprisingly, I have not hit menopause yet.:surprise: Not surprisingly, my husband is a rather horny guy and would be thrilled to live a lifestyle of eating, sex, sleeping, sex, and then, more sex. Our problem is not so much an emotion one, but maybe more physical.

He has ED.

Intercourse for me recently has been painful.

And for whatever reason, I'm just not into sex as much as I used to be. Real life has a tendency to take over and occupy my time. And to be honest, he's not at all helpful around the house. I accept this and I still love him. But I'm busy.

I love him to the point where I am happy to be accommodating, sort of a "fake it until I make it" scenario. His ED makes things more "ouchy" for me, because in order for him to achieve an orgasm, he has to climb on fairly quickly and pound away, most of the time before I'm ready. Sometimes he lubes up, but even a few moments delay can make the difference between maintaining an erection until climax, or not.

Yeah, he has Cialis, but he doesn't want to take it unless I am very clear that I'm in the mood. He has the attitude "why should I waste it if you are not in the mood?" Except, the thought of physical discomfort never puts me in the mood.

Le Sigh. We've tried talking about it, but understandably, he gets a bit defensive. I strongly believe we are trying to be patient with each other; we've got the loving part down pretty well. :grin2:

Does anyone have any words of wisdom, or has anyone been through this? 

Thanks mucho!

Shiksagoddess


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There are several threads on sexual dysfunction.

Painful intercourse is common in menopause. But you say you're still getting your periods regularly so you're not in menopause yet. So let's get specific about the pain.

Is the pain deep inside or does intercourse feel like his penis is wrapped in sand paper?

If the pain is deep inside, it may be that your cervix is being hit during intercourse and due to some subltle hormonal changes your cervix is much more sensitive. This is common among perimenopausal woman.

If the pain is sandpaper like sex, you need to lube your body prior to intercourse. I recommend coconut oil. Take a healthy finger full and spread it both inside and outside the vag.

If the pain is in a specific spot or generalized and not related to dryness, you need a pelvic exam. Cervical cancer has almost no symptoms except painful intercourse and since it is common to misinterpret painful intercourse that symptom is often over looked, especially if intercourse is not a frequent occurrence.

Your husband's ED has caused him to use strategies that aren't working for you. Jumping into intercourse so that his erection lasts long enough is completely and totally ignoring the reciprocity sex should include.

Next time you're about to have sex, get yourself lubed up before he penetrates. If you still have painful intercourse go to a doctor.

When I first started experiencing painful intercourse due to menopause, my husband experienced a reoccurrence of ED. No man wants his penetration to cause pain or harm to his wife. That fear of causing pain prevented him from keeping his erection.

As you get closer to menopause, it's common for your sex drive to drastically change. Instead of being driven to seek sex, you now find that you simply respond to his desire to have sex. But since you're also feeling pain during sex, that inhibits your response to his desire. Make sense?

So get the pain diagnosed and treated.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Also, pounding away is not the only way to deal with ED. If he goes soft mid-intercourse, you can change things up, get him hard again. If he has ED he needs to learn how to re-sensitize.

But yes, absolutely make sure to take care of your health.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Have him get the daily-use ED meds, then he won't be "wasting" any. Keep the lube handy. He doesn't have to always be the one to apply it - you can. Beyond that, it's communication about these issues and working together to solve them. If he gets defensive, then he loses out - talk about it when you're not having sex, put it in context of changing his medication so less planning and more spontaneity is possible.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

And get cheaper "Cialis." I know of places you can get generic very cheap. PM me if you want to know. I can point to a few places.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Hey shiksa goddess! (I'm just a plain 'ol shiksa...) you might be experiencing pain due to tissue thinning in your vagina. Speak to your gyno.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Shiksagoddess said:


> ...my husband is a rather horny guy and would be thrilled to live a lifestyle of eating, sex, sleeping, sex.....
> 
> He has ED.
> 
> ...


When I was in a sex starved marriage with my wife, one of the lessons I needed to learn was that I needed to take responsibility for my happiness in all aspects of my life.

I realized that I didn't want nor should be a "co-dependent" person who was only happy if my wife fulfilled my co-dependent needs. It is scary to realize that most of us are born into this world alone and die and leave this world alone. 

That realization allowed me to do things that brought me happiness in life and that in turn made me much more interesting to my wife. And that in turn helped improve our relationship. Being clingy is not sexy. Expecting a spouse to read your minds and provide you with happiness is not sexy, especially when you don't get what you want.

In most of the self help books they talk about "getting a life." This is code for becoming less co-dependent, exercising, doing things that make you happy, sharing your new happiness with your spouse and becoming a much more interesting person.

Something the sex therapist told us during our sex starved marriage was that sex should be fun and playful. It should be approached knowing that sometimes things won't work out. Sometimes one of you will get a leg cramp and have to stop, sometimes one will fall off the bed or sometimes one might not be able to get it up. If any of that happens, have a good laugh and try again another day. Don't expect too much from each particular sexual playtime. That's really hard when sex isn't as frequent as one or both of you would like, but it was really good advice.

My suggestion. Sit down with your H. Tell him that feeling "intimate" with him is important to you and something that you miss. Tell him that intimacy doesn't need to always be Penis in Vagina (POV) it can take all kinds of forms and that you would like to work with him on trying things so that the two of you can again feel close to each other emotionally and physically. Tell him if he finds it hard to do, that there are sex therapists, and marriage encounter weekend retreat groups that can help the two of you.

Good luck.


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