# Man going over board in the provider role



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would like to hear some views from the men in particular.

1. *Do you think being a provider for your family is essentially your role and that is all there is to your marriage relationship?
*

My H has told me recently that he is not a man of emotion, song or lots of words. He shows his love through providing for me and the kids. He says he likes to buy things for us and provide us with a certain life style (never mind the fact that gifts is not my love language at all). 

However, I have stated that this is not enough for me, I want a man who is engaged and available. When we go on holidays etc he is all those things but then when normal routine sets in, I am at the bottom of the list. It is work, clients, meetings, etc. I feel like an option.

To me, we all have a choice regardless of pressures of life. It is a daily choice how we rank our priorities.

I know I should be thankful that he does this for the family, but frankly I can provide for myself very well, thank you. 

I know I am looking at this through the lens of a female, though I know I am not asking for too much. I know in Asian cultures, many women accept this arrangement. I also know that this is what was mirrored by his father, work work work. No relationship with wife, though they are still together because that is what is expected. 

What are the thoughts of the men here? Do any of you struggle balancing this role with other roles expected as a H and father?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

In my opinion a mans first priority should be his partner and his family,meeting their physical and emotional needs must always come first. Everything else,business,friends etc takes a back seat.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

My spouse is like this.. His excuse all the time is he is the breadwinner. I would like more emotional-mental connection than just financial. His dad is like this as well. I believe they are OCD about $$$.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

As a male this “Provider” attitude was in me from birth. My brother and I feel it in our biology & have heard it from the society that we live; USA. It helped to keep the human species on this planet. But we are no living in small tribes were we die by 25-30 yeas. This world and its modern women ask more of us men.

With the help of the gals in my life I learned this early on and it’ds has got easier with time. My brother is still very much in this “Provider” role & his wife loves him for it; there a good match.

As male, my eyes were opened more by reading “His needs, her needs” & the “Five Love Languages”

If I were emperor of this world, I would make these two books mandatory reading for everyone.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I get the provider thing. Many men are built this way. He needs to make you more of a priority and work, less of a priority. But don't expect him to change into a girlfriend that can talk about feelings and stuff all the time.

I am like your husband. When on vacation and spending all my time with my wife, things happen and we converse more about what is going on. When I am working, things happen but I don't even think about bringing them up with my wife. Sometimes they are things that she might be interested in, but often not. She wishes I would talk more about what goes on during the day. To be honest, most of what goes on, just happens and I forget about it. I have to almost write things down so that I remember to use them to make conversation with my wife.

Women spend more time thinking about what men are thinking than men actually spend time thinking.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

"Provider" is an interesting word that I got caught up in early in my life with family... it was used in the simplest of terms, earn to provide the necessities of shelter, clothing and sustenance.

I was a good father and husband in this sense, but in the emotional support I could have been so much better a husband and father without limiting myself to these ingrained traits of the 50's-60's. As it was, and as my ideals of manhood transformed into adulthood and service the 70's-80's, it took a long time to see that "balanced" meant so much more and if a middle road is not found, neither is happiness.

Expectations can be a comfort only to a point, and if one sees past them, one will see differently.

Better late than never.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see is as more balanced. I expect my wife and myself to both contribute to our mutual well being to the extent that we reasonably can. 

That said, I would feel like I wasn't holding up my end of things if I didn't work, even if I had a valid medical reason not to do so. Being productive is important to me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My taking the provider role really has nothing to do with being married. It is taking care of myself to the point where I have enough left over for a partner to come on the journey with me.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> In my opinion a mans first priority should be his partner and his family,meeting their physical and emotional needs must always come first. Everything else,business,friends etc takes a back seat.


Sure that sounds fine but you have to earn enough money to take care of your wife and children but if your wife is not willing to do the same thing then it doesn't work.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

if you don't provide how you going to eat!

are you willing to make a lifestyle change and do with less? used cars instead of new,porchville instead of the beach? etc,etc,

if he quit his job and started a home depot for half the salary and no retirement and poor benefits but was there for you would that be better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Our modern society sort of distorted social norms into the idea that men should be the sole provider. This is the model from 1940's and 1950's.

If we look back into history, the vast majority of people were farmers.. they had little to not money. Few people had jobs. On the farm everyone worked. If they did not, a family would starve, have no clothing and other necessities.

Generally the men did the harder labor. But that does not mean that the women were not providing too. Women helped plant, harvest, take care of the farm animals, tended the kitchen garden, made the clothing, preserved and cooked food. She usually did while taking care of small children. 

At about age 5, boys started working with their fathers. Girls with their mothers. 

Once the industrial revolution was in full swing, more and more people left the farms and went to work in factories. This changed things. Generally a married women stayed home with the children because the factory could not allow children (except for the ones that used child labor).

Now we are going back to a model where both men and women contribute the work that it takes to support a family. Though it is manifested differently with both husband and wife having jobs outside the home.

Since 70% of married women now work outside the home and about 50% of married women earn as much or more than their husband, the idea of a man being the sole provider is changing again.

I feel badly for any man who thinks that his only contribution to a marriage and family should be monetary and that this is only way he can, or should, show love to his wife and children.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Our modern society sort of distorted social norms into the idea that men should be the sole provider. This is the model from 1940's and 1950's.
> 
> If we look back into history, the vast majority of people were farmers.. they had little to not money. Few people had jobs. On the farm everyone worked. If they did not, a family would starve, have no clothing and other necessities.
> 
> ...


I also feel bad for the woman who don't appreciate that man!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My husband was very similar to yours. He also felt his financial contribution was all that mattered. We both had demanding careers but because he made so much more money than I did he used that as an excuse to be a workaholic and ignore everything else in life. I tried to get through to him that his family mattered too. He didn't get it. He lived to work.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There is a fault in the question. If I (or any man) saw their only role in a relationship as provider, then instead of pictures our online profiles would be a net worth statement and earnings forecast. Now I (and I suspect any man) have never opened a conversation with that information. I also strongly suspect that the vast majority of women would be turned off by that approach. It's a bit like the old joke, "instead of getting married, this time I'll just find a woman I hate and buy her a house." 

So since our relationships start with something other than providing and grow up to the engagement decision without much consideration of providing. Why would any thinking person think that that was their only role? In fact the only way we can get from "love interest" to "only a provider" is if all of the many other roles in the relationship have been stripped away, by one partner or the other or by a combination of both. For example the workaholic. inflates his devotion to job and/or money so that it eats up the time for the things that brought the couple together. He ignores the emotional support, shared recreational activities and what ever else she needs. Another example would be the low drive spouse, that removes the physical sexual interactions from the marriage until all that is left is resentment and paying the bills. Yet another example is the Couple who are so interested in their children and their children's activities that they never schedule time for a date together.

What the problem is is not that he works too much, or that she doesn't appreciate his efforts, it is that they don't have Balance. it does no good to have the newest car, biggest house, nicest vacations, if the relationship breaks because someones very real emotional needs aren't met. With whom will he share his retirement if she decides another man can better provide her with All of her needs. And, if she can not temper her needs to his ability to provide who will provide for her monitary needs. It will be herself. 

Balance, give and take, communication. and real understanding. And at some point even realizing that your partner is not going to be able to do everything your heart desires. My wife will continue to avoid intimate conversation, she will continue to age, she will never be Skinny. I will never make the kind of money needed to buy a new car every year, I will continue to have all of the physical health problems that come with diabetes. One of us will die and leave the other alone. These are things we don't want, but they are what we are. We have a choice we can work around the disappointments, or we can split and try for a better match. As long as there is good faith effort to work it out I'm willing to provide the same.


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## FortheRecord (Mar 1, 2017)

This is something I struggled with for years before reading some of the same material listed above.
I still remember how I felt in the days/weeks following her telling me she was pregnant with our first child, even though we had been trying for a year.

Prior to that, I was a contractor, switching jobs or roles when it was advantageous for my career or when the job just sounded cool.
Suddenly my tech industry job which had been interesting and engaging became a critical necessity. 
I started working crazy hours, traveled more, got promoted quickly, added more responsibility and buried myself in the job.

Some of it was certainly wanting to be a good provider but there was also an significant element of insecurity about being a father.
I was good at work, I got positive feedback, I was well compensated, my peers respected me, etc...

Meanwhile, I had no clue how to be a father. My own father was a disaster as everything but as a provider. My wife's father was a complete disaster. My close friends' fathers were disasters for the most part. I literally had few, if any, positive examples. At least I had a model to follow and the likelihood of success as a provider.

It lead to me not being there as much as i would have liked for the first couple of years of my oldest son's life and it wasn't until work started getting difficult as my second son was born that i was motivated to make a change. There were other things going on at the same time that fed into the crisis.

I got in bible studies, made connections with positive examples at church, found mentors on how to be a better father and a better husband. 
Mainly I came to realize that my role was much more important than just being a provider.... now, I believe i need to provide, don't get me wrong, but that's just a starting point.

My role in my kids lives and in supporting my wife emotionally were/are just an vital in a well functioning family.
Not to say i don't still regularly screw up or that there aren't days/weeks where I'm too worried about my job, just that I believe a man's role is a marriage if much more than just making a living.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> "Provider" is an interesting word that I got caught up in early in my life with family... it was used in the simplest of terms, earn to provide the necessities of shelter, clothing and sustenance.
> 
> I was a good father and husband in this sense, but in the emotional support I could have been so much better a husband and father without limiting myself to these ingrained traits of the 50's-60's. As it was, and as my ideals of manhood transformed into adulthood and service the 70's-80's, it took a long time to see that "balanced" meant so much more and if a middle road is not found, neither is happiness.
> 
> ...


What do you mean by 'expectations can be a comfort.............


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I also think having children makes a man stress about being a good provider. and then its hard to turn off . cars break ,roof leaks,diapers, etc,etc,etc

Balance is good. but hard to acquire.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> if you don't provide how you going to eat!
> 
> are you willing to make a lifestyle change and do with less? used cars instead of new,porchville instead of the beach? etc,etc,
> 
> if he quit his job and started a home depot for half the salary and no retirement and poor benefits but was there for you would that be better.


Yes, he talks about wanting a certain lifestyle, but never asked me what lifestyle I want. I work too, I don't buy expensive cars, or designer goods, etc (not interested). 
Anything designer I have, is because he bought it not because i wanted it. I wouldn't mind downsizing our house also, only me and him, (kids gone). I have absolutely no issues with this.
I am careful (almost frugal) with money. He however, likes all the stuff and reckons he must work hard for that lifestyle but to what end?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> I also feel bad for the woman who don't appreciate that man!


I could equally appreciate my banker, no? One must also consider the motivations for working so hard

1. Is it to show love for the family?

2. Is it to ensure he has all the trappings he wants?

3. Is it to boost his ego, to be top dog, which he is

4. Is it to impress friends and relations?

5. Is it due to fear of not being on top of his game?

It is the same with house proud women who have no time for their H or children, they ensure all is ***** and span, meals are cooked, house runs like clock work, but there is no emotion, engagement, sex, etc. Would you love such a woman?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thank you @aine for following about how you got into this situation where his love of position and things has consumed his better habits. I do hold out a little hope for you as he does, by your report, revert to a happier frame of mind when on vacation. 

I also appreciate @chillymorn69 's remarks on the difficulty of achieveing balance. I have indeed seen many struggle with this. I'm at an empty nest stage and still work at it. Men like to concentrate on one thing. The trick is to learn to put your work away in it's box when you get home. Then you can work on the home box. Aine's husband seems to only do this on vacation.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> "Provider" is an interesting word that I got caught up in early in my life with family... it was used in the simplest of terms, earn to provide the necessities of shelter, clothing and sustenance.
> 
> I was a good father and husband in this sense, but in the emotional support I could have been so much better a husband and father without limiting myself to these ingrained traits of the 50's-60's. As it was, and as my ideals of manhood transformed into adulthood and service the 70's-80's, it took a long time to see that "balanced" meant so much more and if a middle road is not found, neither is happiness.
> 
> ...





aine said:


> What do you mean by 'expectations can be a comfort.............


We have ideas that are set for us as youth in what we should or should not do, how we should or should not act and they are demonstrated for us by our fathers, or uncles, or their peers and it is a known that you will "provide" in earnings and "leading" one's family and that such success is measured on the shoulders of the one... the "head of the household".

Those were the expectations I grew up understanding in the truest black and white... in that box I knew what was expected and the known was a comfort. I had plenty of examples... but change happens.

For my family, I was a dinosaur... my wife being European had a much different view of responsibilities and neither was willing to adjust in our children's early lives. It caused chaos for everyone and I was the loudest, but I won at losing... or is that lost at winning?

I should have evolved much sooner, but I was comfortable in the expectation I knew... as soon as I could release that learned expectation, I could emerge with a much broader understanding of what could be provided, instead of the limited one I thought I knew.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

aine said:


> It is the same with house proud women who have no time for their H or children, they ensure all is ***** and span, meals are cooked, house runs like clock work, but there is no emotion, engagement, sex, etc. Would you love such a woman?


That wouldn't be a wife... that would be a tour guide.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> I also feel bad for the woman who don't appreciate that man!


I also feel sorry for women who are the sole or primary bread winner and married to a man who does not appreciate her.

If a man sees his only role in a relationship as a breadwinner and does not believe that meeting his wife's other needs is important and/or not what he needs to do it can be very easy to see why a women would find that hard to appreciate. After all, I would think she married him for something besides the amount of money he can bring in... like maybe he wants to spend time with him and love hm... not love his money.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I also feel sorry for women who are the sole or primary bread winner and married to a man who does not appreciate her.
> 
> If a man sees his only role in a relationship as a breadwinner and does not believe that meeting his wife's other needs is important and/or not what he needs to do it can be very easy to see why a women would find that hard to appreciate. After all, I would think she married him for something besides the amount of money he can bring in... like maybe he wants to spend time with him and love hm... not love his money.


I think were sayin the same thing really just from different perspectives. we as partners should strive to meet each others needs. I think most would agree. 

yea its sad when a spouse fails to recognize their partners needs. but it is what it is. no person is going to be able to meet ALL their partners needs. Food and shelter is a pretty big need no small task. the responsibility of being the provider is stressful and hard. and yea you have posted some surveys and statistics indicating that 70 % of females work and that it should be a team effort and in an ideal world that might be great but we don't live in an ideal world. Look around read some of the threads about women who earn more and lose respect for their man. Lot of people say well he should look for another job. in todays world looking for another job and leaving a secure job that pays what you needs might not be a good idea.

I say if your man is a good man and his only big fault is he works too much to provide a nice lifestyle then you would be foolish to throw your marriage away. and you never know with gentle persuasion from his loving wife he might have an epiphany and things could improve as the marriage progresses.

I read recently (I forget where if you google it you could find something) that partners who stay together even when there thinking of divorce that in 5 years they often think back and were glad they stuck it out. the trial and tribulation of making it past the rough spots are what make marriage special into our golden years.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

aine said:


> I could equally appreciate my banker, no? One must also consider the motivations for working so hard
> 
> 1. Is it to show love for the family?
> 
> ...


no your banker takes your money, your husband has to earn it and he gladly gives to you 
yes he thinks providing a good life style will make you want to jump his bones
everybody wants to be top dog...
who cares about impressing friends and relatives
nobody want to lose a step in there game.

and I agree a woman who is so caught up in the house and kids and never has time is the same as the man who just works and never has time.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

The A#1 mistake men I work with make in their relationship is erring on the side of Provider. They feel that bringing home a paycheck, helping out around the house, coaching soccer, etc are what it means to be a good husband. 

That's only part of the equation, as we all know.

Men tend to put themselves in small boxes (roles) and ignore everything else going on outside of the box. "I am provider dad/husband. I bring in money and help with the logistics of running this family machine. I have no time for things like romancing my wife, keeping in shape, or being an interesting human being with activities outside of the family dynamic." 

The ironic thing is that they lean on a false sense of manly "duty" and "honor" as a crutch. They are just dumbfounded and devastated when their wife has an affair with the fun but mildly retarded broke guy from the gym/work/school. "I did EVERYTHING for her, and she leaves me for HIM?!" Yes, because he pushed some buttons that you neglected to push for years. 

Gotta be both Lover and Provider. 

Lover also encompasses traits like "not a pushover pussified man baby"... but that's a whole other ball of wax.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My husband is extremely serious about providing well for our family and planning for our future. It is probably one of his top priorities, but he also provides the other things you mentioned you were lacking. Because my husband was single most of his life, he was definitely a workaholic. It was completely his full focus in life until we met. Since marrying, he has been readjusting his priorities now as a husband and sdad. I feel he is doing a really good job at it.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Ahh yes the provider. Man this idea caused a lot of issues between me and my wife early on. When we would talk about it I would feel unappreciated for the hard work I was doing. She would talk about how my priority was work and not her or the family which would infuriate me because the only reason I was working my ass off was for the family. We had the same priorities we just showed it in different ways. That's something OP needs to recognize. Your H isn't working for himself he's working for her. 

Since you have tried talking to your H already it may be a good idea to seek marriage counseling so that you can get your point across without making your H feel unappreciated which will cause more issues later. At the same time this is who he is and you need to accept that. He is probably happy working a lot because he feels like he is supporting his family like he is supposed to. 


Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> As male, my eyes were opened more by reading “His needs, her needs” & the “Five Love Languages”
> 
> If I were emperor of this world, I would make these two books mandatory reading for everyone.


Then my head would be atop one of the many poles in your kingdom because I refuse to read lame 'self help' books like this. :grin2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> Ahh yes the provider. Man this idea caused a lot of issues between me and my wife early on. When we would talk about it I would feel unappreciated for the hard work I was doing. She would talk about how my priority was work and not her or the family which would infuriate me because the only reason I was working my ass off was for the family. We had the same priorities we just showed it in different ways. *That's something OP needs to recognize. Your H isn't working for himself he's working for her.
> *
> Since you have tried talking to your H already it may be a good idea to seek marriage counseling so that you can get your point across without making your H feel unappreciated which will cause more issues later. At the same time this is who he is and you need to accept that. He is probably happy working a lot because he feels like he is supporting his family like he is supposed to.
> 
> ...


I have talked about this and I have got replies like, I'm over 50, the only way I can show my love is through being a provider, etc. I can understand that, but that is not enough for me, it used to be when kids were small, but not any more. I do not need his money, I earn a good pay myself, so what do I actually need him for if we are being frank, a shag now and then? Emotionally he is just not available, he recognises this problem in himself but recognition of your problems and doing something about them are two different things. BTW his father was exactly the same though they are still together.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Then my head would be atop one of the many poles in your kingdom because I refuse to read lame 'self help' books like this. :grin2:


It's nice that you have got it so together that you don't need lame self help books like that. The rest of us mere mortals need all the help we can get..........


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