# Asexual people



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

So I had gone out to dinner with a friend of mine last night. I have only known her for about 2 years. I noticed the whole time I've known her, she hasn't been dating. Usually if a friend of mine has a date they will call and tell me about it,but never have heard about her dating or having anyone in her life.

So last night,I was telling her about a dance place that was local that one of my other friends met a guy at that she had been dating for awhile and wondered if she would be interested in checking the place out sometime. She tells me she doesn't date. :scratchhead: I asked her if she had even been on a date, she tells me yes, maybe 2 or 3 different times in her life, and one of those was when she went to the prom, because a boy kept bugging her to go. She is almost 40.

I didn't want to appear nosy but it really had me curious as to why. I didn't ask anything but she could tell I was puzzled. I chalked it up to maybe something happening to her along time ago and she just didn't want to be involved with anyone due to being hurt. She then tells me, shes embarrassed to tell me because alot of people don't understand it, BUT she calls herself an Asexual person. She doesn't have any interest in women or men sexually. She has no problem being friends and hanging out,but thats about it.

I asked her if the doctor had told her she was Asexual, she tells me no, thats just how she has always felt. She sees people as just that, people. She likes to hang out and have a good time, but there are no sexual feelings towards them. She said she doesn't even fantasize about anything or anyone. 

I looked it up and seems to be a real thing. I have to wonder if thee are more people who are like this, if its a feeling someone has always felt or if a person can "turn" Asexual. I guess they have no sexual feel good senses? My husband says even though there is such a thing, he thinks some where along the way, these Asexual people have blocked out any kind of feeling themselves and repressed those sexual feelings, they do not allow themselves to feel sexual. So he feels they might possibly have some control over it. However, I'm not so sure. Of course he was just guessing on it to. 

Thoughts?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i too wonder if someone can turn asexual after living a somewhat normal life in that dept.


----------



## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

but don't humans want to be with someone else? even if it not sexual?


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Nicbrownn80 said:


> but don't humans want to be with someone else? even if it not sexual?


She enjoys hanging out with others, men and women, she has friends etc, but she doesn't really date. I would think she doesn't date much for fear of others not understanding her condition etc. Most people would want a sexual relationship at some point with someone they love and care about, so maybe she figures its best to not get to close because maybe they wouldn't understand.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's the real deal ...
Asexual Visibility and Education Network

There is an awful lot of biochemistry involved in sexuality. It's presence or lack, can have a very powerful influence on how we feel, or don't feel about sex.

We have previously discussed some of the big contributors: testosterone, prolactin, norepinephrine, dopamine, seratonin.

These don't even account for psycho-social influences such as pre-conceived notions, and both positive and negative past sexual experiences.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh yeah. I stopped having sexual thoughts and feelings years ago. I just turned them off. I am pretty sure I will be celibate for life. Once you are no longer aroused by anything it's liberating. You never to worry about it, plan, do mind games, feel regret. My wife is clearly not asexual but anti sexual. If she were Catholic she'd be a Nun. In any case so many long term relationships are sexless why not embrace it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Oh yeah. I stopped having sexual thoughts and feelings years ago. I just turned them off. I am pretty sure I will be celibate for life. Once you are no longer aroused by anything it's liberating. You never to worry about it, plan, do mind games, feel regret. My wife is clearly not asexual but anti sexual. If she were Catholic she'd be a Nun. In any case so many long term relationships are sexless why not embrace it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know your whole story, but I assume you stay because of kids and/or financial reasons? I guess embracing it is like accepting it, do you feel you have no other choices?


----------



## Enamored (Dec 25, 2009)

Oh yeah.. definitely there are asexual people. I m living with one .... and slowly turning into one myself. 

Going to bed without feeling is very liberating. almost feels like i m kicking an addiction.. i use to feel that way when i was quitting smoking and can sleep without craving. one day without cigg at a time and slowly it would fade away. One day at a time without sex and it would fade away..


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Deejo said:


> It's the real deal ...
> Asexual Visibility and Education Network
> 
> There is an awful lot of biochemistry involved in sexuality. It's presence or lack, can have a very powerful influence on how we feel, or don't feel about sex.
> ...


Deejo, you are very very intelligent. I find that sexy.*wink*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I agree that asexuality is real. There are chemical reasons, but mainly trauma that caused the aversion. 
I had no sex drive once for a year, after being used by a cold and hateful man for sex. Since I associated sex with being hurt, I ran away from any budding relationship, as soon as it was about to turn sexual.
Asexuality is incredibly sad. Sex is one of life's great pleasures; one of the best things about being human!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Deejo said:


> It's the real deal ...
> Asexual Visibility and Education Network
> 
> There is an awful lot of biochemistry involved in sexuality. It's presence or lack, can have a very powerful influence on how we feel, or don't feel about sex.
> ...


thanks deejo, very helpful info.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> I agree that asexuality is real. There are chemical reasons, but mainly trauma that caused the aversion.
> I had no sex drive once for a year, after being used by a cold and hateful man for sex. Since I associated sex with being hurt, I ran away from any budding relationship, as soon as it was about to turn sexual.
> Asexuality is incredibly sad. Sex is one of life's great pleasures; one of the best things about being human!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For along time I thought people were born being Asexual, and maybe they are, but I guess people can "turn" that way as well from trama.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MGirl said:


> He stays because I think, deep down inside, he enjoys living in a miserable marriage and then complaining constantly to others about how awful it is.
> 
> *slaps hand on mouth* Uh, oh, did I just say that out loud. Crap.


Too funny, my lady. This could be true; some people like sympathy. I don't understand why he stays either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

MGirl said:


> He stays because I think, deep down inside, he enjoys living in a miserable marriage and then complaining constantly to others about how awful it is.
> 
> *slaps hand on mouth* Uh, oh, did I just say that out loud. Crap.


Well I suppose that could very well be true. I do believe some people like misery. maybe its all they feel they have.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

AgentD said:


> I don't know your whole story, but I assume you stay because of kids and/or financial reasons? I guess embracing it is like accepting it, do you feel you have no other choices?


My kids are almost grown. It's not so much financial. I am genuinely afraid of what my wife would do. Even discussing separation has in the past caused he to go into a screaming attack where she called the cops on me. Once she simply woke up the kids in the middle of the night when they were very young and packed them into the car screaming that daddy was going to kill them and they had to leave. She has tried to get me arrested. She's tried to get me fired. And more. She many years ago suffered a full term miscarriage. Within a few weeks she told our kids that I murdered their brother. 

I think that were I to broach the subject again one of us would wind up in jail or the hospital or the morgue. She's not suicidal because she's too selfish for that. But she did try to run me over with a car once, after marriage counseling. Her personality is part Livia Soprano and part Aileen Wuornos. I think she's a clinically paranoid psychopath.


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> My kids are almost grown. It's not so much financial. I am genuinely afraid of what my wife would do. Even discussing separation has in the past caused he to go into a screaming attack where she called the cops on me. Once she simply woke up the kids in the middle of the night when they were very young and packed them into the car screaming that daddy was going to kill them and they had to leave. She has tried to get me arrested. She's tried to get me fired. And more. She many years ago suffered a full term miscarriage. Within a few weeks she told our kids that I murdered their brother.
> 
> I think that were I to broach the subject again one of us would wind up in jail or the hospital or the morgue. She's not suicidal because she's too selfish for that. But she did try to run me over with a car once, after marriage counseling. Her personality is part Livia Soprano and part Aileen Wuornos. I think she's a clinically paranoid psychopath.


So you won't leave because you're afraid of what she'll do to you?


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> My kids are almost grown. It's not so much financial. I am genuinely afraid of what my wife would do. Even discussing separation has in the past caused he to go into a screaming attack where she called the cops on me. Once she simply woke up the kids in the middle of the night when they were very young and packed them into the car screaming that daddy was going to kill them and they had to leave. She has tried to get me arrested. She's tried to get me fired. And more. She many years ago suffered a full term miscarriage. Within a few weeks she told our kids that I murdered their brother.
> 
> I think that were I to broach the subject again one of us would wind up in jail or the hospital or the morgue. She's not suicidal because she's too selfish for that. But she did try to run me over with a car once, after marriage counseling. Her personality is part Livia Soprano and part Aileen Wuornos. I think she's a clinically paranoid psychopath.


If your kids are almost grown, then you need to get out of there and quick! If she is as crazy as you say, then be more afraid of what she would do if you continued to stay, than if you leave.


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Runs, when you explain your reasoning for staying, you sound like a battered spouse. She is physically and emotionally abusive.
Stay if you must, but remember that you deserve them. I wish you strength and peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

AgentD said:


> If your kids are almost grown, then you need to get out of there and quick! If she is as crazy as you say, then be more afraid of what she would do if you continued to stay, than if you leave.


:iagree:

Unless of course, you just really like being a victim here and having people feel sorry for you. I really hope that's not the real reason you're staying. You're very cynical... I'm skeptical of your motives.

Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread...


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If people can turn Asexual due to some kind of tragedy or trauma, maybe that explains some of the sexless marriages.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> If people can turn Asexual due to some kind of tragedy or trauma, maybe that explains some of the sexless marriages.


Eh, sexless marriages are rarely about zero sex drive. It is about lots of other things. BTW, love the new avi! I always wanted eyes like hers.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Brennan said:


> Eh, sexless marriages are rarely about zero sex drive. It is about lots of other things. BTW, love the new avi! I always wanted eyes like hers.


True! 

I love Elizabeth Taylor. I love alot of the actress from back in that time.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Unless of course, you just really like being a victim here and having people feel sorry for you. I really hope that's not the real reason you're staying. You're very cynical... I'm skeptical of your motives.
> 
> Anyway, sorry for hijacking the thread...



Not at all. The question is, are people asexual. My answer is yes. People aren't all born they way they are. Priests and nuns don't decide to be priests and nuns BECAUSE of celibacy. That is one of the choices that comes with the whole package. 

It's not about 'people feeling bad about me' either. *In fact I don't feel particularly bad about it.* Which is kind of the point. On an intellectual level I can see that I'm probably missing something in life. But emotionally? I don't feel it. I'm not watching porn or jerking off or running around chasing skirt. I just don't have it in me to feel that arousal anymore. The urge is dead. And at this point, even if I weren't married, it wouldn't make a difference.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MGirl said:


> So you won't leave because you're afraid of what she'll do to you?


Yes that's about it. But it's more complicated than that. There's no point in dreaming about something else. These are the cards been dealt. I'm not going to suddenly emerge from a cocoon knowing all there is to know about adult monogamous normal functional relationships. That ship sailed already. I understand that I am ruined for things like that and trying to date and such in my 50's and 60's isn't going to derive any satisfactory results, for anyone involved.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

just my thinking...but it sounds like a case of you dont use it....you lose it.....

my mom has not been with anybody since my father back in january 1978...i will be 33 years old, and have been with my husband for....19 years this year....she is having a hard time living alone, she has only dated about 3/4/times in the early 80's...

she might like this guy, but cant find the need or urge to actively date...this guy wanted to marry her, and give her a house...she changed her phone number and said, he wanted to marry her..to GASP have sex with her!!!!!!

that was about 15 years ago...i like the guy who is interested in her, and he seems to accept her and us in all the drama we bring...but she cant find that thing that makes us date and want to feel desired.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Runs, when you explain your reasoning for staying, you sound like a battered spouse. She is physically and emotionally abusive.
> Stay if you must, but remember that you deserve them. I wish you strength and peace.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe that's the case. I don't know. I do know there's no process or mechanism that exists to address that. 

I'll give you analogy. A long long time ago the police came to my house with a question about some possible molestation that may or may not involved one of my kids at school. I was as shocked as anyone. And as it turned out, it was a false claim and my kid was not involved or victimized in any way. When I asked the school why they contacted the police and not me first, they told me that's the only way they know how to deal with it because as far as they were concerned there was no such thing as molestation that DIDN'T involve a father. That's how the world looks to the school. That's what they're geared up to handle. 

Same thing here. My wife is a predatory psychopath. I am sure of it. Unfortunately short of murder or some other serious felony there's nothing anyone understands how to address. And in domestic issues, a man is not going to voluntarily involve law enforcement because they're not built to handle these situations. All they understand is slap the cuffs on the man and take him downtown.


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Maybe that's the case. I don't know. I do know there's no process or mechanism that exists to address that.
> 
> I'll give you analogy. A long long time ago the police came to my house with a question about some possible molestation that may or may not involved one of my kids at school. I was as shocked as anyone. And as it turned out, it was a false claim and my kid was not involved or victimized in any way. When I asked the school why they contacted the police and not me first, they told me that's the only way they know how to deal with it because as far as they were concerned there was no such thing as molestation that DIDN'T involve a father. That's how the world looks to the school. That's what they're geared up to handle.
> 
> Same thing here. My wife is a predatory psychopath. I am sure of it. Unfortunately short of murder or some other serious felony there's nothing anyone understands how to address. And in domestic issues, a man is not going to voluntarily involve law enforcement because they're not built to handle these situations. All they understand is slap the cuffs on the man and take him downtown.


Yikes


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Runs Like a Dog,

I've been a cop for nearly 29 years and I probably lock up almost as many women as men for domestic violence. "In God We Trust". Everyone else gets a thorough investigation. Anything with arms is capable of hitting and anything with a voice is capable of lying.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Unbelievable - you managed twice as long as I did! I managed 15years! Loved it.

I agree with you....domestic violence has become a 'big thing'...everyone assumes that its always the man being the aggressor and the woman the poor victim. Cobblers. 

The unfortunate thing is that men are a bit thick so they leave marks on their wives....a black eye, bloody nose etc.
Women are more intelligent - they cause emotional/psychological damage. Although it isn't visible it can be so much more devastating. 
Men commit suicide because of it.

So...woman can cause just as much damage as men.


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am asexual. I forget my last username, but you may recall if you'd read some of my entries. Asexuality is defined as "someone who does not experience sexual attraction". I don't blame your friend for being embarrassed: telling people about your ace-ness (as we call it) almost always results in them responding with an assortment of disrespectful responses, as I have received on this board time and time again. I have never experienced sexual attraction in my life and I am 30. It sounds like a pretty cool experience to me but I have yet to feel it.

All the answers to your questions are in the AVEN forums. They have been debated about for years, over and over again. There is input there from asexuals, and there is plenty of input from sexuals too. I would assume that the people here are highly sexual people so they probably would not be able to comprehend much of this information, due to the fact that it the polar opposite to what they are used to experiencing. It would be hard for them to wrap their heads around.

I should mention that you cannot just "turn asexual". If you look in the forums there, it explains the whole shindig. Asexuality is a lifelong thing. Having a low libido or sexual issues is not asexuality: it is sexual dysfunction. There is a world of difference. It is not a matter of "not allowing yourself to feel sexual" or any of that other stuff you mentioned... that is sexual dysfunction and psychological issues. If you have those, then by definition you aren't asexual.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> Deejo, you are very very intelligent. I find that sexy.*wink*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not the size of the brain, Mrs. G, it's how you use it ....


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> If you have those, then by definition you aren't asexual.


I would disagree. You're describing a biological affect not a behavior. People 'are' color deficient. People 'are' ambidextrous. People stop having sexual behavior or thoughts. People 'are' androgynous, which is I think closer to what you describe. And I'm going to try not to sound too bitter when I suggest it sounds like a bunch of people looking for a protected class malady where none exists. I supposed it's possible to have a very very tiny cross section of people who fit your description of 'born that way'. But I'd take that with a pretty heavy side glance once you start saying it's pervasive. And I consider myself one of those people who no longer feels any attraction for anyone of any sex or whatnot.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

To add my bit...I believe we are all born asexual. An 8yr old boy doesn't look at a 7yr old girl and think WOW!! 
We just arent interested in sex....until we hit puberty. 
All the relevent hormones are released to make us sexual...the equipment gets delivered with a program...we load the program and start playing with the new equipment (feels gooooood!), we look at members of the opposite sex differently.... 

Unfortunately when some people receive the 'package' they only get the equipment...no instructions and no 'program' on how to plug and play.
These people are maybe the asexual ones. The people with all the equipment but no 'program'.

The dysfunctional ones are the ones that have the equipment and the program....but then delete the program.

Moving on to Runs Like a Dog.... I hear all of what you are saying about your wife...I also understand all about what you are saying about 'society' not being geared for 'domestics' in which the husband is the victim.

For what its worth, I spent 15 years as a cop in Europe...I left nearly 8 years ago so I accept I am 8 years out of date...but I can assure you that even 8 years ago police forces/services were really waking up to the fact that men can also be the victims...and attending a domestic where you nicked the wife and got help for the husband was becoming more and more common.

The law is there to protect us...all of us irrespective of colour, creed, sex, religion etc


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's probably true in cases of flying ashtrays and black eyes. Women from an early age are schooled in the art of deep psychological torture that doesn't leave any marks.


----------



## Juleez (Mar 29, 2012)

I am 54, and have concluded in the last few years that I am indeed, Asexual. I have always had a sex drive, but I do not feel sexually drawn to men or women, and have never had the desire to have relationships with anyone. I used to think I was just weird, till I found that there are a lot of people who are just like me. Personally, I don't feel I have missed much. I have friends, both male and female, and am far from a hermit, I just don't find the idea of sexual intercourse attractive. And, I feel that we deserve as much respect from others as gays, or anyone else. It is our preference, and I feel we are born this way. I was not molested, or traumatized when I was young. I just plain am the way I am.:smthumbup:


----------



## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i too wonder if someone can turn asexual after living a somewhat normal life in that dept.


I would say my wife is asexual. She has had no interest in sex for at least 2 years.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I wonder in a way if my wife is asexual.

She's never been turned on by anyone, she only dated a few people and was never serious with any of them before I pursued her for months and she finally started dating me (and we she was 25 yrs old at the time).

She's never found me sexy either after ~15 years of marriage (she told me this just a year or two ago when we really tried to get to the bottom of her lack of sex drive). She likes my eyes and my shoulders, but it's not sexy... it's like hmm that looks nice (like a picture on the wall or something).

Of her own accord she may feel like having sex 4-6 times a year or so.... maybe. Of those times it's typically a fleeting feeling, no real drive.

I can stimulate her and get her in the mood after a fashion, but she has no real desire for me (and I've been told I'm a decent looking guy). She just wants to be stimulated into having an orgasm, at which point she tries to help me, but doesn't want any further sexual contact.


----------



## soprt (Sep 23, 2012)

I'am new here married 23yrs we were I guess sexual at frist then all her inner female parts were removed because of cancer so sex drive went away.Then had to start taking meds which inturn took away my sex drive so now we are asexual for a few yrs but we mangage to co habit well we love each very much.


----------

