# What if????



## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

I have a post on another thread but it does not have the details of everything that happened but here is a brief summary. 

I caught my wife sexting a relative and a good friend of mine. The friend lives in canada along with most of mine and her family members. I seen her sexting after she came back from a two months vacation in canada to be with her family that she didnt see for a long time. This happened over a year ago. Now believe me when I say after finding out I didnt just scorch the earth but I put multiple black holes in the milkey way and not all at once but multiple times over the past year. All sides of the family were on edge because of what I was putting everyone through. She has shown that she would put up with everything that I do and that she really wants to make this work.

Now I have accepted the fact that she had an EA with him and also that she was sexting him but one thing that cannot still get out of my mind is whether there was a PA during those two months she was in canada. She has denied any PA but I simply cannot trust her because she has lied multiple times through out this whole ordeal and only confessed to things I had hard evidence of. I know for a fact that she would never admit to this because I know that she knows if she ever admits to it that would end our relationship and everyone in this universe would also know about it.

She has givin into all my demands and is trying to be a perfect wife. Since I don't have any evidence of PA I feel that I should try to move on but the question "what IF she did?" Keeps haunting me and I don't know what to do.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You had no proof from her texts ? yes, ask her for a polygraph..

In your older post, you said she pushed for a trip to her family.. DO you have phone records for this time ?


She has no incentive to come clean about stuff you have no proof for...Give her one


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, a little more information might help. 

What do you mean by scorched earth and holes in the Milky Way?
What information did you recover from the sexting?
How did you confront?
How did you expose?
Did you talk to the OM?
Did you confirm her activities while she was in Canada? With whom?
Did you try bluffing her that you had evidence of a PA to get a reaction?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

huanito said:


> First of all I would like to say I normally did not go for advice but the post above could not have been more true and I appreciate the advices I get from others even more because I feel that I can relate to what others have gone through before me and can only hope that It can help me before it is too late.
> 
> I'll try to keep it short since a lot have happened since I posted my original post but following back up on my original post I did not demand my wife to come back from her extended vacation early that summer but instead elected to let her stay the amount of time we agreed prior to her leaving. A week after she came back our marriage got into a real jeoprady when I caught her sexting a a very close friend and relative of mine that lived in canada who she new long before we even got married. *I knew that they kept in touch as friends and I have been suspicious of the two before and we have fought about him before but it was over minor things and she used to say that I was blowing it out of proportion and that she didnt want him and that I was being Jelous*. We have been through too much to list on here but I have tried to make the relationship work and after a few short splits we have gotten back together.
> I let her go back to canada this past summer to help her sister who was having a baby. This time it was completely different she tried calling me all the time and I was the one not intrested as the feeling of betrayel was still within me and I acted as I just didnt care. W*e got into a unrelated argument where a I brought up the person she was sexting and she was devestated and stoped calling me. In response I went to canada picked up my kids and we have been apart for 5 month which during that period she started calling me and wanting to get back together we finally got back together and I picked her up*.
> ...



This was the story..

Any idea on what happened in the 5 months you separated ?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

huanito said:


> IShe has shown that *she would put up with everything that I do* and that she really wants to make this work.
> 
> She has denied any PA but I simply cannot trust her because she has lied multiple times through out this whole ordeal and only confessed to things I had hard evidence of. I know for a fact that she would never admit to this because I know that she knows if she ever admits to it that would end our relationship and everyone in this universe would also know about it.
> 
> *She has givin into all my demands *and is *trying to be a perfect wife*. Since I don't have any evidence of PA I feel that I should try to move on but the question "what IF she did?" Keeps haunting me and I don't know what to do.


If what you posted is true, then she should have no problem taking a polygraph.

If your gut tells you is was physical, it probably was.

If they had physical access to each other for two months, it's not likely they exchanged sexual messages but did not have sex. Tell her that her story about not having sex is theoretically possible but not believable, so you are not going to believe it. You need proof. Polygraph.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Polygraph Test.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

theroad said:


> Polygraph Test.


Everyone keeps saying polygraph. I've recently mentioned this to my cheating wife. 

Be prepared to be privately slammed by her to her friends and family. She's going to go on and on about how controlling and bizarre you are for asking for poly. Her friends and family are going to agree with her.

My wife told me this (I also read the text msgs). My reply was simply... those poly places are only in business because this is a fairly common request of cheating spouses. I also told her that I'd hook into the machine and take the same questions. Both statements stopped her dead in her tracks.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Everyone keeps saying polygraph. I've recently mentioned this to my cheating wife.
> 
> Be prepared to be privately slammed by her to her friends and family. She's going to go on and on about how controlling and bizarre you are for asking for poly. Her friends and family are going to agree with her.
> 
> My wife told me this (I also read the text msgs). My reply was simply... those poly places are only in business because this is a fairly common request of cheating spouses. I also told her that I'd hook into the machine and take the same questions. Both statements stopped her dead in her tracks.


Once a poly is mentioned always carry it out .

Polygraph her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Polygraph is the only way you will know, but if they were setting when she got back, chances are very high they tried it out in person before she came home.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> My reply was simply... those poly places are only in business because this is a fairly common request of cheating spouses. I also told her that I'd hook into the machine and take the same questions. Both statements stopped her dead in her tracks.


Clever. This is a great response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Well, a little more information might help.
> 
> What do you mean by scorched earth and holes in the Milky Way?
> What information did you recover from the sexting?
> ...



To answer some of the question. The time that we were seperated for 5 month she was staying with her sister where she didnt have any contact with the OM. Technically we were only seperated for about 2 month as the first three month she was staying with her sister to help her out because she had a newborn and needed help but we got into a fight becaue of me. I did kind of blow a small argument out of porportion because of what I was already feeling inside and once she found out she was upset because she felt no matter what she does i'll keep bringing him up and that its hard for me to move on. 

The confrontation was heated because of my suspision I forcefully took the phone from her and seen the text. At that point I blew up and destroyed everything in our house where the whole time she was trying to wrap herself around me telling me that she loved me. I immediatly exposed her to both family.

She gave me some bull**** excuse that i didnt buy but finally told me that she was just testing him to see how far he would take the conversation (he is a very shy and nice person and normally cannot even look girls in the eyes without looking down and I would have never thought he would go along with the sexting espcially given the cercumstances that she was married and me and him are close relative).

I confronted the OM on multiple occations but he chose to stay silent and avoid me and I put him through financial burden by getting the family to stop giving him any assistance. He had to sell his new car to buy a piece of **** car just to be able to afford his insurance. I also threatened him soo much that the family gave up on it and told me If I hurt him I will only be ruining my future.

As for the wife I put her trough so much. I did everything except put my hand on her. I took her clothes and threw it outside while she was begged me to stay and took the kids from her. It got soo bad that all her family were against her getting back with me and even threatned to cut ties with her if she did. She came back to me without telling them and she didnt speak with her family for almost two months. She said to them that she would not complain to them about anything I do to her and that it is her choice to be with me and put up with me.

The two months she was gone she stayed almost a month with my mom and the rest with her sister and all confirmed that she would leave the kids with them and used to ask him often to take her for grocery / mall shopping but really doesnt buy much. He would normally pick her up after sunset (because he usually have to work in the morning) and they might be gone for like 4 hours or so but she was never out past midnight. 

As for the content of the sexting. She told him that she wanted to have sex with him where he replied He wishes she was there with him and she said she wants to pleasure him and him saying she was turning him on and that he wanted her and her saying she wants to pleasure him and ect.. It was all all based on wanting but nothing to indicate that they actually did anything in the past.

She is very stubborn and bluffing would not work with her. any admitting that I got from her is in the tone of yes we did if that what you want to hear or as an act to anger me because of me not giving the topic any rest. Where in the end she would say I didn do it but it seems you wont rest untill I tell you I did.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He picked her after dark, and brought her back 4 hours later!

Seriously, they went and had sex each time,


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> 4 hours or so but she was never out past midnight.


What is the significance of that? People have sex before midnight, too. Sorry to mention that, but they do.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> He picked her after dark, and brought her back 4 hours later!
> 
> Seriously, they went and had sex each time,


And she hardly bought anything on all those shopping trips.

You want to buy a bridge in Brooklyn? Cheap!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I chose to accept that fact that he did have a PA...even if it was just oral. That way if I found out later it would not come as a shock. It also helped that I had accepted all forms of the affair not just an EA. I worked for me, but I cannot say that it would work for everyone.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> He picked her after dark, and brought her back 4 hours later!
> 
> Seriously, they went and had sex each time,


She's as full of crap as a Christmas goose. Set up the poly, then, maybe, she'll start coming clean. Right now you're not even close to the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I chose to accept that fact that he did have a PA...even if it was just oral. That way if I found out later it would not come as a shock. It also helped that I had accepted all forms of the affair not just an EA. I worked for me, but I cannot say that it would work for everyone.


This is also my take. Imagne the worse... likely won't be disapointed. But if it wasn't thad bad... a win.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

POlygraph. I know you have been told so already, multiple times. Here is once more - POLYGRAPH!

Schedule it, tell her, watch her reaction, it will tell you a lot. Then get it done.


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## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

By watching her reaction throughout this whole ordeal made me already expect the worse but wanting to keeping my family together is what realy making me believe that it may have not happened. I do appreciate some of the harsh reality checks given though because I dont want to lie to myself just to keep this marriage going forward.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm not one for reconciliation after infidelity. My wife knows this and feels the same way. There is no way I could ever again achieve the level of emotional intimacy I require in my relationship once the trust was violated. 

I suspect that even with a polygraph you will still be suspicious. At this point the truth may actually be irrelevant. It is quite possible the marriage is ruined for you regardless of her actual guilt. Search your soul before you bother with the polygraph. If you know in your heart you will never get over this issue then call it quits.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> There is no way I could ever again achieve the level of emotional intimacy I *require *in my relationship once the trust was violated.


Excellent way to put it. I'm a long winded SOB when it comes to writing, but that about sums it up. I could never again be truly happy in such a situation, and I'll not sell myself short by accepting anything less than someone I can be completely happy with.

For every guy like me, there's a woman out there looking for a guy like me. The trick is to weed out the ones who don't believe as we do. That is done by cutting them loose the minute we know they are not, and refuse to, put the same effort into a trusting relationship as we do. The moment you feel like "I love her, maybe this is the best I can do, I'll give her another chance", well, you're selling yourself short and can expect to be rewarded with a "short sale" type of woman. (Goes both ways, BTW, women and men.)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Give her an incentive to come clean.. She knows you will definitely divorce her if you find out they had sex.. She will not confess it..Did she tell you something that you did not find on your own ?

There is a reason the OM is remaining silent when you confront him..



> The two months she was gone she stayed almost a month with my mom and the rest with her sister and all confirmed that she would leave the kids with them and used to ask him often to take her for grocery / mall shopping* but really doesnt buy much*. He would normally pick her up after sunset (because he usually have to work in the morning) and *they might be gone for like 4 hours *or so but she was never out past midnight.


The proof is staring at you right in the face.Your choice


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She is very stubborn and bluffing would not work with her. any admitting that I got from her is in the tone of yes we did if that what you want to hear or as an act to anger me because of me not giving the topic any rest. Where in the end she would say I didn do it but it seems you wont rest untill I tell you I did.


Tell her that admitting it would be less hell than the pain you are going through right now..That you can accept the affair and try to move on from it but the repeated lies are killing the marrriage


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