# Difficult Situation



## caps (May 18, 2021)

I am hoping I can get feedback and support by posting here.

Been married for almost 15 years. My wife is a citizen of an Asian country whom I met while living there. We got married there and our two kids were born there. We moved back to Canada 10 years ago. 

The relationship has had its challenges but in recent months has been about as bad as it has ever been. There have been some cultural differences that have definitely caused problems. Infidelity has not been an issue as far as I know. Our son was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago. It seemed that the best option was medication but my wife wanted no part of that. As a result, it caused 3-4 years of major problems. His school work suffered immensely. There were behavioral issues at school, on sports teams, and in general that got out of hand. One time he got suspended from school for 3 days for saying something nasty to another student. He got suspended from sports teams at least 3 times for his actions. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. It got so bad that eventually my wife relented and agreed to try medication. So after we eventually got the right dosage of Concerta, all of those issues never seemed to happen again. It was a long and very frustrating struggle to get her onboard with medication for him.

Covid... My wife refuses to get vaccinated or allow our kids to get vaccinated. I got my first vaccine last month. She told me recently that she was going to separate from me because I got the Covid vaccine but then decided not to. Anytime I ever bring up the issue of getting our kids vaccinated, she gets extremely angry and will not allow it. Unfortunately, our 12-year old daughter had some symptoms so I took her for a test and she tested positive for Covid. I went to get tested 3 or 4 days later and was negative (most likely thanks to my vaccine). The health authorities highly recommend that our whole family get tested 10 days after our daughter's isolation ended. My wife is refusing to get tested. 

Sex has been very irregular in recent years, but she refuses now because I have been vaccinated! She doesn't want to contaminate her body with my vaccine-filled seminal fluid I guess... She thinks that all people who get vaccinated will pay for it in the future and have health problems. The vaccine is unproven, dangerous, and evil. It is a hoax. That is her way of thinking. (If someone thinks that way, my questions is - what other ways is there thinking compromised??)

Another issue is addiction. My wife spends on average over 16 hours / day in a room by herself on the Internet. She is chatting with friends, chatting with strangers, and taking some courses. Some days, her Internet time has been 18+ hours. This is not an exaggeration. She will often be online till 1, 2 or 3am and back on at 6 or 7am. In between, she spends most of her time during the day online. If I question her on it, she tells me that I am the one with the problem. I spend too much time online!!!! (Nothing could be further from the truth).

All things aside, the anti-medication issue, the anti-vaccine mentality, and the apparent Internet addiction, my biggest frustration is her attitude towards our marriage / relationship. I get the feeling she thinks that everything is more important to her than our relationship. I have started going to counselling and she has refused to take part. Over the years she has made statements such as "I am going to live in my home country in the future." I think the fact that our kids are now 12 and 15 and would not be interested in relocating to her home country, she has changed her tunes a little. Now, she seems to be more interested in living in BC. The other morning while having breakfast along with our 12-year old daughter, she made the comment "I am going to live in BC in the future." She has made this comment before. This time she said it to our daughter in front of me. I have to say that it was extremely hurtful. What kind of a message is she sending our daughter? The "I" part of the statement is a clear indication that _where_ she lives is far more important than me and / or her family. 

Why would I want to continue sharing my life with someone who is planning to leave me so she can live elsewhere in the future? If it is more important to her to live in BC by herself then my immediate reaction would be "don't wait, go now." I have said that in the past when she talked about going to live in her home country or BC. I bit my tongue the other day but I found it extremely hurtful.

I should add that both of us are unemployed at the moment. Although I have money put away, we aren't exactly killing it when it comes to annual income lately! To add to that, my wife has not worked in about 18 months and doesn't seem to feel the desire or need to work. 

Bottom line is that I am in a sexless marriage with a woman who refuses to join counselling to try and improve our relationship. She seems happy spending every waking hour of everyday online chatting with friends, strangers, and doing online courses. This has been going on for several months. Communication with her is extremely limited. It is a lousy existence. Once again, she doesn't seem to care that things are as they are. 

I really want to try and make things better but I find she has 0 interest in doing so. As a result, it leaves me with little alternative but to consider my options. Why would anyone want to stay in a situation like this? If it weren't for my kids, I would be gone by now. I am sure lots of people say the say thing...

I tried to summarize my situation in this post but I am sure there is a lot of stuff I left out inadvertently. If you have further questions, please ask. If you have any suggestions, I am all ears and eyes. If you want to PM me, feel free to do so. I am living day-to-day with a lot of stress. I really don't want to live this way. I really didn't get married or sign up for this. It's daily frustration. Like I said, if it weren't for the kids, I would probably be out the door because I don't think anyone wants to live under these circumstances.

Thanks so much for reading.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well, since she is closed minded and unwilling to change - you really have no option but to divorce her and seek sole custody of your kids.

I’d seriously show the courts that she isn’t parenting those kids while she’s on her computer 18 hours a day (she can’t possibly be parenting if she is involved in her computer that much).

On the upside, you would pay less in support money to her since your income is low now. And if you have the kids she may actually have to pay you.

I’d seriously be thinking her relationship is with someone she talks to on the computer. Maybe a long distance affair. Don’t rule it out - it happens often!

Get custody of your kids and focus on their best interest... including your sons care and getting them vaccinated.

Get your second vaccine. She isn’t gonna have sex with you anyway - she’s just dreaming up excuses to punish you. That’s not what love looks like.

She wants to go? Send her away. Or let her be on her own and don’t look back!

She doesn’t participate as a wife or mother so don’t stay married to her. And don’t wait - she’s wasted enough of your precious time/years.

Life is too short.


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## Hope4us55123 (Jun 1, 2021)

caps said:


> I am hoping I can get feedback and support by posting here.
> 
> Been married for almost 15 years. My wife is a citizen of an Asian country whom I met while living there. We got married there and our two kids were born there. We moved back to Canada 10 years ago.
> 
> ...


I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I can’t imagine how it feels. I wish there was an easy answer to your life’s challenges, I really do. 

The best advice I can offer (keep in mind, this is coming from someone that hasn’t gone through a fraction of the difficult times that you have), is think about what you would want your ideal life to be like and work your way backwards till you have a plan. I know that seems like a futile exercise but it might just give you some perspective that’s really difficult to have.

Even a thousand mile journey starts with one small step. You have to know the destination and start down the path. Believe me, even putting it all down on paper is a good first step. The path may end in divorce, it may not. (I’m not a believer that divorce is always a good solution). At this point it seems like the most important things are your kids and you. Keep that in mind and keep going. Wish you the best of luck.


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