# Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions"...



## SimplyAmorous

*Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions"...*

" Intellectual Foreplay"....it's the name of a book I have...(can click on that link).... it is an invitation for dialogue ..to stay intuned with our lovers... seeking to stay on top of what makes them TICK...what brings them pleasure, but also what irritates them...welcoming their stories / their insights /feelings ... with ears attuned....it's a dance in it's own right...to enrich our ongoing connection...
Although me & my H have always had Lively discussions... feeding off of each other through these past 25 yrs...much







and "Wow, I never would have thunk it!...are you [email protected]#$" coming from my lips...he's surprised me at times...yet I missed some of the questions that could have alerted me to his need....I let them slide past me...it was such a simple thing..

5 yrs ago, we got down & dirty with a flurry of communication reaching these places we were missing..... I've always been one good for throwing the Open-Ended Questions  out...whether it be with friends, family, even our kids....I look back & wonder how this escaped me...with my own Husband, my dearest friend !

We've had some shocking moments / Emotional moments / some heartfelt remorse.....but also had I not opened this treasure box of digging deeper...some of our most awesome discoveries might still be buried under the surface...it has been a Joy unraveling these!

My husband has become more vulnerable with me as I have shown a deeper interest in him & his world, wanting to revive all we have together....this has brought us closer intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Just something on my







to share...


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Some articles...

 Invitation: The Art of Good Questions

Asking the Right Questions: How to Deepen Relationships with Open-Ended Questions - 

 Open-Ended Questions Build Relationships

Open-ended questions are useful when intimacy, connection, and understanding are the goals. They are the Lego blocks of relationships, the small pieces that, when put together over time, create a sense of intimacy, trust, closeness. Asking open-ended questions means “Please share your thoughts and emotions with me. I value you and I value your ideas.” 



> *Benefits of using Open-Ended Questions*
> 
> *∞* Facilitates enhanced levels of cooperation and understanding
> *∞* Provides the opportunity for others to express themselves more openly and honestly
> *∞* Encourages others to provide information including their ideas, concerns & feelings
> *∞* Assists in creating a positive learning and sharing experience
> *∞* Allows others to share what is present for them
> *∞* Shows respect and interest in others
> *∞* Encourages others to flow with their thoughts and feelings & allows you to support this flow
> *∞* Demonstrates your willingness to invest time with others


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

25 Questions All Married Couples Should Ask  .......................17 Questions to Ask Your Partner to Deepen Your Connection 



> In our busy lives as married couples, one of the most important areas not to neglect is our communication. The more we talk to each other, the more we will know about each other. This will help us respond to our spouse’s needs, wants and desires. In your marriage, don’t take your spouse for granted. Learn to ask important questions throughout every stage. Here are 25 questions to get you started:
> 
> *1. *How am I doing as a husband/wife in general?
> 
> *2.* What are you most excited about in our relationship during this season?
> 
> *3*. If you could see two things change about me what would they be?
> 
> *4*. What ways can I honor you more?
> 
> *5*. What are your biggest fears about our relationship?
> 
> *6.* As a husband/wife, how can I show more love/sensitivity to you?
> 
> *7.* Are you dealing with anything that I can help you with currently?
> 
> *8*. How can we improve our intimacy or take it to the next level?
> 
> *9*. What’s your dream datenight or weekend with me?
> 
> *10*. If you had three wishes to wish for our future, what would they be?
> 
> *11*. What are a few ways I need to be more understanding?
> 
> *12.* What are a few ways you desire to see our finances improve?
> 
> *13*. What are three places within 200 miles that you would like to spend a few days?
> 
> *14*. What strengths do I bring to our relationship?
> 
> *15.* What ways can I improve as a husband/wife?
> 
> *16*. What’s your top three favorite love songs and why?
> 
> *17*. Do you feel more emotionally connected than we did early in our relationship?
> 
> *18. * What are two things we forgot to celebrate this year?
> 
> *19*. What were some things we used to do before we were married that you miss now?
> 
> *20.* What do I need to know most about you right now?
> 
> *21.* Is your love for me growing stronger?
> 
> *22*. What have you learned to appreciate about me that you did not know when we were first married?
> 
> *23.* Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?
> 
> *24*. Do I tell you I love you enough?
> 
> *25*. What ways can we building our friendship more?


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## jld

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

That is beautiful, SA. Thank you so much for sharing that list.

I am going to ask dh to look at it tomorrow, and maybe we can discuss them over FaceTime.

I really like the ones about how we can improve in our role to one another. Those are hard to hear, though, and even harder to implement.


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## soccermom2three

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Thank you for posting this. I requested the book on a site where I swap books.


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## Anon Pink

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Excellent posts SA! Thank you for sharing these!


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## *LittleDeer*

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Thank you SA, very helpful.


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## CharlieParker

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Thank you, good stuff, as always. I'll check out the book. I think I’ve been pretty good about asking, but not always so good at getting more than a blank stare.


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## Faithful Wife

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Great post, SA!

Over at Marriage Builders, they address this by making Intimate Conversation one of the basic emotional needs, because they know that if you are not sharing deep, meaningful conversation with your spouse (and you have a need for it), you may end up having it with others...thus providing the fuel for an EA/PA. I don't mean of course that just talking with others will cause an affair. But talking with others and sharing about your feelings and dreams will make you feel close to them. So if you are not doing this with your spouse, you and your spouse both are vulnerable to getting too close with others. (of course if you know this threat exists and have boundaries in place, you'll be ok...MB also teaches about boundaries).

For me, I have big dreams and schemes and plans and ideas and philosophies. My H cannot handle all of the conversation I need. So I know to share the most intimate and most important ones with him, and the other stuff I share with close friends or my mother or sister.

Conversation

Also some people are sapiosexual, and need intelligent conversation moreso (or combined with) intimate conversation.

A person who is strongly attracted to someone’s intelligence is called a “sapiosexual.” - Serious Facts


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## meson

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Intellectual Foreplay looks interesting. Having lost that connection in the past and being lucky enough to have reconnected again six years ago, I don't want to make the same mistake again. Life is busy and she (my wife) is changing and I need to keep up. Great idea!


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## I Don't Know

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Good stuff SA. I love Q & A time!!


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## GIM003

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Awesome concept. Thank-you so much for posting this.


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## okeydokie

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

SA, you truly do rock ma'am


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*



Faithful Wife said:


> Over at Marriage Builders,* they address this by making Intimate Conversation one of the basic emotional needs, because they know that if you are not sharing deep, meaningful conversation with your spouse (and you have a need for it), you may end up having it with others...thus providing the fuel for an EA/PA.*
> 
> I don't mean of course that just talking with others will cause an affair. But talking with others and sharing about your feelings and dreams will make you feel close to them. * So if you are not doing this with your spouse, you and your spouse both are vulnerable to getting too close with others.* (of course if you know this threat exists and have boundaries in place, you'll be ok...MB also teaches about boundaries).
> 
> For me, I have big dreams and schemes and plans and ideas and philosophies. * My H cannot handle all of the conversation I need. So I know to share the most intimate and most important ones with him, and the other stuff I share with close friends or my mother or sister*.


...and TAM ?? 

Glad you brought this up on Marriage Builders...it really is so very important..I can see how , if a wife didn't get enough of this at home...she would fall into sharing too much elsewhere.. Oh yeah. Or a husband if he felt too much on the back burner, the wife too busy with kids/ her job etc.

I've always been able to take anything & everything to my H... he has never pushed me away , made me feel like I dig too much or want too much.. in this way he satisfies me - so much I really don't think any other man could even compare...oh one could challenge my mind more so - this is not his strong suite -to pick my brain the way I do his.... I have a couple friends in real life for that.. forums have always been an outlet here for me too... 



Faithful Wife said:


> *Also some people are sapiosexual*, and need intelligent conversation moreso (or combined with) intimate conversation.
> 
> A person who is strongly attracted to someoneâ€™s intelligence is called a â€œsapiosexual.â€� - Serious Facts


Never heard of this before.. Can't say I am one of these... a little too visually drawn am I...for some conversation to suddenly overshadow the physical ..... now having them both.. Oh my!! that could be a little dangerous!! 

I found this on the net >> "Example: Me? I don't care too much about the looks. I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay. I want someone who sometimes makes me go ouch due to their wit and evil sense of humor. I want someone that I can reach out and touch randomly. I want someone I can cuddle with. I decided this all means that I am sapiosexual."


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## Faithful Wife

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*



SimplyAmorous said:


> ...and TAM ??


Yes, TAM satisfies some of my conversation and social needs. But not to a great extent. It actually helps me more with my need to write than anything else!


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*



CharlieParker said:


> *Thank you, good stuff, as always. I'll check out the book. I think I’ve been pretty good about asking, but not always so good at getting more than a blank stare.*


A blank stare....Oh No!... Does this have anything to do with what you are asking [email protected]# 

I can't say myself or H has ever ignored or tried to get out of a question.... but there was a moment..where the question was asinine on my behalf & he brushed me off.... we talked about this a few yrs ago - how *we* handled this...He wants to blame me...and I am thinking he should have told me what for... (isn't this so common!)...

One night I threw this ridiculous question out to him...Laying in bed, baby in between us...I'm laying there kissing the baby over & over & over again (lost tract of which one)... like an Italian Grandma.. if I had lipstick on, the baby would look like this......he is looking at me... not saying anything.. I really needed hit with a brick...







and I said to him... "you're not jealous , are you?"..... Now...he had an opportunity speak his min[email protected]#$.... but instead he just says "No".. and rolls over ... he was upset...and I was too clueless to really grasp how selfish I was being or what he needed. 

I've thought back to this time in our lives, where I did these things and asked him why in the world he put up with that...I remembered asking him this...that's when he tells me he felt I had an attitude.... Now honestly I never meant any harm...I wasn't mad - I was happy - He has sex on the brain & I didn't...(this was the issue)...

Thinking about it though... in it's own twisted way, maybe that was a unconscious sh** test of mine, I don't know!... Maybe I wanted him to SAY SOMETHING!! 



> *Meson said*:* Intellectual Foreplay looks interesting. Having lost that connection in the past and being lucky enough to have reconnected again six years ago, I don't want to make the same mistake again. Life is busy and she (my wife) is changing and I need to keep up. Great idea*!


 Yeah...we gotta keep up...don't let any grass grow under our feet...

I asked my H if he ever had a Mid Life Crisis a few yrs ago...on the heels of mine..cause if so, I couldn't tell !....He told me he went through a phase where he was feeling sad -that all the kids were growing so fast... heck I didn't even realize it ~ I don't remember his saying anything about it.. then it passed.. 



Faithful Wife said:


> *Yes, TAM satisfies some of my conversation and social needs. But not to a great extent. It actually helps me more with my need to write than anything else!*


I seem to have a NEED to write too..


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## CharlieParker

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*



SimplyAmorous said:


> A blank stare....Oh No!... Does this have anything to do with what you are asking [email protected]#


Ok blank stare a bit dramatic on my part, but I know I can do better and have asked

*15.* What ways can I improve as a husband/wife?

And get back "nothing". Or worse "take me more seriously" and when asked how to do that or what behaviors she doesn't like I don't get an answer I can act on. (I think this one is usually more work related, but even though you are my wife I can't fix crappy software that I didn't write.)


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## justtryin

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

SA - 

I love the way you think, and how committed to being "in tune" with your husband you are. Good stuff!

I do have more to say but just got interrupted & have to go...but wanted to once again point out how inspiring you are.


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## always_alone

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*



Faithful Wife said:


> Also some people are sapiosexual, and need intelligent conversation moreso (or combined with) intimate conversation.


Sapiosexual. OMG, what an awesome word! I want it!


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## SimplyAmorous

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*



Mrs. John Adams said:


> Wow sa:lol: made me really think! How many times have I done this very thing. I am long past babies....and my hubby seems happier than ever. Is part of that because he now gets my undivided attention?
> 
> The dynamics of being a wife and being a parent and balancing those two things can be overwhelming...and we don't think about the jealousy than can be beneath the surface.


The  part for me is this... I actually DIDN'T feel overwhelmed, yes we had lots of kids...baby after baby ... but I was ON IT... he's always called me the Energizer bunny ...







...

There were times I would get irritated with him for falling asleep too early....I just put too much focus on the kids.. I needed more balance in my life.. it just shouldn't have been.. every vacation we took in our 1st 19 yrs ..was focused around "the kids"....what they would enjoy doing/ seeing....never took a romantic vacation..getting away just me & him....

I had a great Aunt who insisted on watching our kids so we could get out alone once a month...after we had our 5th.... sweet of her.... I remember looking across the table in the restaurant at my H and this thought came to me..... "what do we talk about if not the kids?"....that should have been a wake up call to me!!.. Where was my head [email protected]#$%

I will admit...we both LOVE playing Family, it was what we were destined for...... but geez... our bedroom looked something like this.... minus the chicken... the dog is a cat and 3 of those kids are on the floor below us...


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## hazel55

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

I just bought the book. I hope it helps.


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## Luvher4life

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

I'm ALWAYS looking for ways to improve our marriage. My wife is very inhibited, especially about sex, so the open-ended questions might or might not lead to her opening up a bit. It's definitely worth a try.


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## Luvher4life

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

Well, here is one of my follow-up reports...

I am DEFINITELY no expert at this type of questioning! I could tell when we ended up in an argument, LOL! I will say this, though, it ended extremely well. We ended up making up, and the bed got mighty wet! It appears to be working for sure. I just have to learn how to use more tact in application, but heck, I may try to get into another argument if this is the outcome...

I guess I skipped the small talk, and went straight to the intimate stuff first. I know..., that a no-no, and I wouldn't advise others to do that, but in our case it ended extremely well! I LOVE my wife!


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## Blondilocks

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

When I first read the post title, I thought whaaat? Who wants to start an intellectual conversation while you're in the middle of gettin' busy. Now that I've put my glasses on (that's my story), it's easy to see that such convos could lead to enriching your sex life. The only drawback could be that one is uncomfortable talking so deeply - maybe they think they're missing the mark.


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## MattMatt

*Re: Intellectual Foreplay ... Deepening Intimacy & Insight with "Open Ended Questions*

My wife and I once talked about the letters of St Paul in post-coital bliss. 

Can't for the life of me recall why he came up as a topic of conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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