# Sex and multi- dating.....



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm having a debate with a friend of mine. She believes that a woman can multi-date and as long as she does not have sex with any of the guys, even if they know that she is multi dating, they will not assume that she is having sex with anyone else.

From my prior dating experience, I don't get this impression. I get the impression that most men do not like to be multidated. And will readily assume that a multi dating woman must be having sex with someone, even if it is not the guy in question.

So a man's opinion is very welcomed here.... and also women's observations on the matter.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I don't think there is an answer. Sort of a chicken & egg thing.

Some guys want total exclusivity and some don't. Same with women.

The key is good communication either way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

People who assume things (of either gender) often end up disappointed in the end. 

C


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm having a debate with a friend of mine. She believes that a woman can multi-date and as long as she does not have sex with any of the guys, even if they know that she is multi dating, they will not assume that she is having sex with anyone else.
> 
> From my prior dating experience, I don't get this impression. I get the impression that most men do not like to be multidated. And will readily assume that a multi dating woman must be having sex with someone, even if it is not the guy in question.
> 
> So a man's opinion is very welcomed here.... and also women's observations on the matter.


I have strong opinions on this.. not that it matters much, I am married and have never been in this situation.. though I think it wouldn't be easy for me to find a compatible match in a man .. so I am all for this multiple meeting of other people to weed them out.. while I feel this is casting a wider net to find someone that can really work with who we are... compatibility is not easy to find -then add chemistry on top of that. 

I agree if you are not getting hot /heavy and sexual with these people -that there is nothing wrong with it.. I also feel if I was in this situation I would purposely buy my own meals too, until I felt we had something....this would take some time...experiences...good communication..

 I wouldn't want the guy to think he is getting sex early on...the emotional comes first... if he wasn't that type of guy..he wouldn't be right for me anyway.

Now, it's interesting as I have explained this to my H...and HE would NOT go for that.. had I met him.. he'd want me to be ONLY SEEING HIM while he was in my life....and that's good.. I would also SEEK HOW HE FELT AS WELL.. and consider it ....(nothing is wrong with this either- just BE REAL with each other).... so if I met one who felt this way.. I'd have to decide if he had enough "oomph" / interest in him to give him the exclusivity early on.. because I don't believe in being dishonest in dating in any way.. I would want the same from the man.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I would fall into that category. If I take a woman out on a Friday night and we had a great time and she is then going to go out on Saturday night with some other guy that will not be someone I am interested in long. 4 years into the dating world again and just been used enough times to be a bit skeptical of the whole thing. Granted this is when I am actively looking for a realtionship and not just dating for something to do.

I try as best I can to communicate all this and my feeling about it prior to the first date if possible.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some people multidate, some prefer not to. I prefer to multidate when the option is available, to determine who's the best match. I also expect women I'm dating to be meeting others as well. I don't care if they tell me or not, and I will tell them if they ask me. Once sex enters the picture, I do want to know about it for health and safety reasons, and would address that issue if it were about to happen with anyone I was dating.

Almost always, a preference becomes clear about who's the best match by the time we've had a few dates, and then we can discuss being exclusive while we explore where the relationship might go.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Generally I date sequentially. Multidating could happen (hypothetically) but not go on long if I happen to meet someone very interesting and I haven't completely ended things with the last. That said, I've never been interested in sex with more then one person at a time. I have some mental/bio thing where I tend to focus on one at a time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

When I've been single I've never been nearly in high enough demand to find enough women to actually date simultaneously, lol.

As for a woman multi-dating, I have come to decide that if gets physical (even just making out) and I want to continue dating her, then at that point I'm not fine with other guys in the picture. Or if the level of verbal/emotional intimacy reaches that same level.

On a first date if I find out she were to have a date lined up with another guy I wouldn't be offended, and the threat level would be pretty low because I don't expect to choose her friends or make her choices for her. If I were romantically interested (as opposed to just hanging out for fun together) and on a second date I found out she had a date lined up with another guy, my boundary would be enforced.

The biggest threat a guy may feel is that a woman may be the type to compartmentalize guys into those they just want to fck and those they want to be in a relationship with, and they don't want to be compartmentalized (even if they themselves are just looking for booty).


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If i were dating a woman who was dating and being intimate with other men at the same time, that would be the end of it for me.

Grossed out about the prospect of being in physical contact with is left behind.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If I'm dating, that means I'm seeing different people. 

I ALWAYS presume she is multi-dating as well. The 'dating' enables you to learn what someone wants from or what they are looking for while dating.

My other rule is intimacy is exclusive. If we are sleeping together, I'm not sleeping with a bunch of other women. I have had overlap on this ... but I always end one of those relationships. 

There was a point in time where I dated to date. No agenda, not looking for sex.

Then there came a time where I was looking for exclusivity, and building something long term.

Never been afraid to have these conversations with who I'm dating. I function off a simple premise. 'I want what I want, and I'm dating to find it.' I presume my dating partners function off a similar premise.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

Seems to be a bit of a double-standard to me.

I'm willing to wager most men see nothing wrong, in absence of an agreement to the contrary, with dating/sleeping with multiple women at the same time. 

Is that not the very definition of an "alpha male"?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Methuselah said:


> Seems to be a bit of a double-standard to me.
> 
> I'm willing to wager most men see nothing wrong, in absence of an agreement to the contrary, with dating/sleeping with multiple women at the same time.
> 
> Is that not the very definition of an "alpha male"?


Not even close. Alpha means confidence and I don't derive my confidence from having sex with every woman I can. 

It's fine that some guys do. Heck I know several women i met who didn't mind sleeping with multiple guys at the same time. I say have at it but I want no part of it. I don't hold others to standards I don't hold myself to .


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Multi-dating is certainly OK early on. But when the dating relationship is reaching the parameters of exclusivity, in that there is some newfound emotional intimacy, then that is the point where I would put my foot down for exclusivity. 

At that juncture, I certainly don't want to be sharing her heart or her orifices with others!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Multi-dating is fine for some, but I think you ought to be upfront about it. 

For me? Call me a neanderthal if you wish, but I think it's icky.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I turned away tons of women that thought it was fun to play the field at all, much less try and see me and someone else at the same time. I am not a fvcking car on a lot that she gets to park and then try the guy next to me. Sex or not, fvck no!

A lot of girls were crying when I would not even look at them again because they even tried one date with another guy. Yeah, a lot of them decided they liked me more, they didn't understand it wasn't their decision.

Guys are chumps who put up with that behavior in my book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. The women I described already knew where I stood, they were just used to guys picking them back up after they "shopped" around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Guys who are also multi dating are not chumps when the women they date are also multi dating. 

For those who haven't dated in over a decade, the game has changed and most people are multi dating. The standard advice is to always assume those you are dating are dating others until you actually have the exclusivity talk.

Multi dating may or may not include multi sleeping with others.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I should add that I don't date to find out about people, I find out about people and then date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

Methuselah said:


> Seems to be a bit of a double-standard to me.
> 
> I'm willing to wager most men see nothing wrong, in absence of an agreement to the contrary, with dating/sleeping with multiple women at the same time.
> 
> Is that not the very definition of an "alpha male"?


Oh, another sword through the heart of the myth that does not exist in nature!

When I dated women (and girls when it was legal), if I had a good time Friday night, I would always pull the Saturday afternoon "flower surprise"... if she took the flowers and was going to be "busy" later... "SURPRISE"! I wouldn't be at our next conveniently scheduled time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Or you could have maybe just had the exclusivity discussion, you know, communication? It works much better than passive aggressive acts designed to test someone.

"So hey I know I didn't ask you this before but, I'm not seeing anyone else and wanted to focus just on you. I hope that's true for you also. No? You still want to date others? Oh, ok. No problem, but I can't date you while you also date others. No hard feelings and good luck".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Or you could have maybe just had the exclusivity discussion, you know, communication? It works much better than passive aggressive acts designed to test someone.
> 
> "So hey I know I didn't ask you this before but, I'm not seeing anyone else and wanted to focus just on you. I hope that's true for you also. No? You still want to date others? Oh, ok. No problem, but I can't date you while you also date others. No hard feelings and good luck".


Yup. Too easy. Communication seems pretty hard sometimes, I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm having a debate with a friend of mine. She believes that a woman can multi-date and as long as she does not have sex with any of the guys, even if they know that she is multi dating, they will not assume that she is having sex with anyone else.


Eh...



NextTimeAround said:


> From my prior dating experience, I don't get this impression. I get the impression that most men do not like to be multidated.


Correct. Might not bother some guys, but most wouldn't like the idea of sharing, myself included.



NextTimeAround said:


> And will readily assume that a multi dating woman must be having sex with someone, even if it is not the guy in question.


Well... I may or may not assume that she is having sex w/ someone else, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that she _isn't_ having sex w/ someone else.

Confused yet? Good. Me too.

:smthumbup:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

This thread is quite informative. I multi-dated before I found my BF. I wasn't intimate with any of them, I was playing the field and getting to know what's out there after being in a 12-year relationship. Lots of first dates, and a few second dates. I had a blast. 

When I told a couple of guys I had other dates, they were highly offended and dropped me like a hot potato. I was on a dating website, come on! I was left scratching my head. I wasn't offended, but surprised. They were all butt-hurt about it.

Isn't that what dating's all about? TBH I'm still confused about it.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Each person needs to know intent. Are you intending on finding a relatinship or just wanting to have fun? That needs to be up front. My experience, there are many women looking to just have fun (usually that means sex). If we hit off talking, then meet, and she still says she wants to date. That would tell me she is not into me or she just wants to screw around. I have a hard time being #2, so the most I would consider her to be from that point is a FWB. 

You get to know a lot prior to ever meeting usually when working through a dating website.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

HuggyBear said:


> Oh, another sword through the heart of the myth that does not exist in nature!
> 
> When I dated women (and girls when it was legal), if I had a good time Friday night, I would always pull the Saturday afternoon "flower surprise"... if she took the flowers and was going to be "busy" later... "SURPRISE"! I wouldn't be at our next conveniently scheduled time.


That's pretty presumptuous on your part that you would assume that she has no plans on a Saturday night by 3pm Saturday.

In the early days with my husband, after he admitted the "friend" but now that she's "safe" because she has a "boyfriend" and so on...... well, I invited him on Monday to join me for a meetup activity on Friday. He flatly turned me down. Hoo-kay. 

then on Friday afternoon, he called and said he would like to join me after all. I said yes, but then I reminded myself that I should not be so generous; between Monday and Friday, I could have invited another guy.

But it was not until a few months later when I revisited that moment when I wondered if he had initially turned me down because he was hoping to get with his "just a friend ex" and I was just the consolation prize that Friday night.

HuggyBear, did it ever occur to you that maybe those ladies you were inviting out on Saturday night on that same day, that they may have fel the same affront from you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> This thread is quite informative. I multi-dated before I found my BF. I wasn't intimate with any of them, I was playing the field and getting to know what's out there after being in a 12-year relationship. Lots of first dates, and a few second dates. I had a blast.
> 
> When I told a couple of guys I had other dates, they were highly offended and dropped me like a hot potato. I was on a dating website, come on! I was left scratching my head. I wasn't offended, but surprised. They were all butt-hurt about it.
> 
> Isn't that what dating's all about? TBH I'm still confused about it.


It's probably about up front communication. I wasn't butt hurt but they sure were when I dropped them. I wasn't into girls that shopped around and I let it be known. They just did not seem to get that I was not a test drive for them. They would break off with me literally go on one date and be right back. It never ceased to amaze me when their eyes got big and teary over losing me. Since you were on a dating website, probably wouldn't have had issues with a guy like me. I had to know women a bit before even a hookup. Even if I met them at a party.

Glad you had fun though! Is that how you found your H?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

If a woman only meets you during the weekdays for a date then you are her second, or even third, priority.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ChristianGrey said:


> If a woman only meets you during the weekdays for a date then you are her second, or even third, priority.


That, and if someone only wants to make plans with you or only agrees to plans on short notice, then it's because they were holding out for something that they wanted more.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> That, and if someone only wants to make plans with you or only agrees to plans on short notice, then it's because they were holding out for something that they wanted more.


Or... if their mother is frequently coming over to stay with them for the weekend.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm presuming myself, the OP and people like lucy are talking about dating after divorce or a long term relationship. Dating ... now.

I think it's great that people can go out and meet other people organically, or strategically get to know someone long before asking them out for a coffee. Me? I don't have time to meet people that way. I have kids and a job that sends me all over the world.

In over six years I have had exactly one 'organic' date that led to an exclusive dating relationship. I've probably had in excess of 60 one and done dates, and a handful of relationships.

I used a pay to play online dating service. I believe you get what you pay for. And there is absolutely a difference between a dating site and a hookup site. Couldn't tell you how hookup sites work, but there is definitely an ecosystem surrounding online dating.

Those who recognize and understand that invariably have an easier time overall. 

People are looking for someone who 'fits' their lifestyle and values, and believe me, that doesn't get easier post kids and divorce, it gets a hell of a lot harder.

People want what they want. Therefore, you multi-date. From my perspective, I KNOW I'm a high value date, but I'm certainly not right for every woman, and vice versa. Best way to find that out is to actually ... you know ... go on dates.

I think it's a very big transition for a lot of folks who haven't been on the scene for a decade or more.

Online dating does not have anywhere near the stigma that folks attached to it years ago.

It's efficient, practical and from my perspective, the lowest threshold for someone who is new to the dating game, to find their feet once again.

It's important to be a good 'ender'. You need to know how to break up with someone, and be broken up with.

It's also important to have thick skin. Not used to rejection? You will be if you delve into online dating.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

HuggyBear said:


> Oh, another sword through the heart of the myth that does not exist in nature!
> 
> When I dated women (and girls when it was legal), if I had a good time Friday night, I would always pull the Saturday afternoon "flower surprise"... if she took the flowers and was going to be "busy" later... "SURPRISE"! I wouldn't be at our next conveniently scheduled time.





Faithful Wife said:


> Or you could have maybe just had the exclusivity discussion, you know, communication? It works much better than passive aggressive acts designed to test someone.
> 
> "So hey I know I didn't ask you this before but, I'm not seeing anyone else and wanted to focus just on you. I hope that's true for you also. No? You still want to date others? Oh, ok. No problem, but I can't date you while you also date others. No hard feelings and good luck".





ConanHub said:


> Yup. Too easy. Communication seems pretty hard sometimes, I guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


EXACTLY. When I ready that, HuggyBear, my first thought was "how passive-aggressive". Because my "plans" might be dinner with a female friend. Perhaps she already had a casual date lined up and wasn't so rude that she was going to cancel with the other guy at the last minute. Also, many women have been told to not be toooo available so they don't look desperate. (Which is playing games and I don't advocate.)

I have multi-dated but I was NOT having sex or even lingering makeout sessions with anyone. I had a lot of first and sometimes second dates but once someone came along with potential I stopped dating others, but it didn't mean after our first date I didn't have another date after that before I decided I really wanted to focus on the one. As a divorced mother, I only had 2 weekends a month to date so with time being limited I made the most of those 4 days and would make plans for as many evenings as I could.

I'm not "easy", nor indecisive. But I'm also not hasty. Just because I had a really nice date with guy #1 and I want to see him again doesn't mean I shouldn't give guy #2 a chance. Maybe #2 just sweeps me off my feet. Maybe he pales in comparison. But until I develop that feeling that the guy is really worth focusing on, I don't feel obligated to cancel all of my other plans and would find it rude for a guy to expect me to. Very seldom does one know enough about a person after 1 or 2 dates that they really want to focus on that one person. It's much quicker to find a deal breaker, lack of chemistry, etc. and know someone is NOT the right person after one date, but aside from those, the other characteristics take a little bit to suss out.

But if there is more with a guy than a good night kiss, I will not multi-date. If I'm attracted and interested enough to kiss several times or a short multi-kissing snuggle session in the car between dinner and movie, etc., then I'm not going to be dating anyone else. At that point I WOULD call the date I had scheduled next and tell them that I met someone I felt was worth pursuing and wish him luck and apologize for letting him know on short notice but that I didn't want to waste his time.

If there is sex, it is exclusive for me, but I would not assume that the guy is exclusive and would likely have that talk before we got to that point. It's a bummer to get practical when things are hot and heavy but saves a lot of heart ache in the long run.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> This thread is quite informative. I multi-dated before I found my BF. I wasn't intimate with any of them, I was playing the field and getting to know what's out there after being in a 12-year relationship. Lots of first dates, and a few second dates. I had a blast.
> 
> When I told a couple of guys I had other dates, they were highly offended and dropped me like a hot potato. I was on a dating website, come on! I was left scratching my head. I wasn't offended, but surprised. They were all butt-hurt about it.
> 
> Isn't that what dating's all about? TBH I'm still confused about it.


You sure that they were butt hurt? I was never butt hurt just realized that this wasn't the type of woman I was interested in.

I enjoy my time being single and enjoy dating but when I go out with someone I am interested in I like to know that is being returned if not then they either aren't that interested in me or are more into casual dating than I am. Either way is a no thanks


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> It's important to be a good 'ender'. You need to know how to break up with someone, and be broken up with.
> 
> It's also important to have thick skin. Not used to rejection? You will be if you delve into online dating.


You're right Deejo. and people needto understand that if you're going to multidate..... no mater what label you give it (ie. "we're just friends"), then you need to be absolutely careful that what happens with one person doesn't impact on the experience that you have any one else you're dating at the same time.

So, if you get stood up, don't think that last minute invitation to No 2 or No. 3 is going to be much appreciated.

And if you feel you got stiffed by the last date, don't try to make up for it by being cheap on your next date with someone else.

And these days, be careful as to how often one (or more) of your dates crawls onto your Facebook wall to suggest that something's up or to contradict what you told one of your dates.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Deejo said:


> I'm presuming myself, the OP and people like lucy are talking about dating after divorce or a long term relationship. Dating ... now.
> 
> I think it's great that people can go out and meet other people organically, or strategically get to know someone long before asking them out for a coffee. Me? I don't have time to meet people that way. I have kids and a job that sends me all over the world.
> 
> ...


*
*


:iagree:

This couldn't be more a true statement and honestly only people who do online dating can understand. I have had well over 100 first dates...less than a quarter second. Those weren't always by my choice. Sometimes I was interested in a woman and I thought we had a great time and poof they are gone. It's easy to over analyze what went wrong but truth is sometimes nothing goes wrong. Sometimes they just get interested in someone else. More money, better car, or whatever. Online dating is fast and furious and no matter if you are a man or woman you better get used to rejection and people flaking on you, cause it happens a lot.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> EXACTLY. When I ready that, HuggyBear, my first thought was "how passive-aggressive". Because my "plans" might be dinner with a female friend. Perhaps she already had a casual date lined up and wasn't so rude that she was going to cancel with the other guy at the last minute. Also, many women have been told to not be toooo available so they don't look desperate. (Which is playing games and I don't advocate.)
> 
> I have multi-dated but I was NOT having sex or even lingering makeout sessions with anyone. I had a lot of first and sometimes second dates but once someone came along with potential I stopped dating others, but it didn't mean after our first date I didn't have another date after that before I decided I really wanted to focus on the one. As a divorced mother, I only had 2 weekends a month to date so with time being limited I made the most of those 4 days and would make plans for as many evenings as I could.
> 
> ...



This was one shocking truth I had to learn about online dating. Don't assume cause people will come up with all kinds of excuses and the " well done on never said you wanted to be exclusive" has burned me.

You have to define EVERYTHING from what exclusive means, when it is taking place, defining what sex means (this one was my personal favorite) and so on. It's a strange world


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

ChristianGrey said:


> If a woman only meets you during the weekdays for a date then you are her second, or even third, priority.


Unless she has children and has them on the weekend and instead makes time for you in her schedule by meeting for lunch.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Unless she has children and has them on the weekend and instead makes time for you in her schedule by meeting for lunch.


Children are ofcourse the first priority (for the ones who have children)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Unless she has children and has them on the weekend and instead makes time for you in her schedule by meeting for lunch.


You have to look at this on a case by case basis. there are a lot jobs these days that require weekend hours, especially if you are the last hired.

On another message board, a woman remarked that she always saw a guy on Saturday night but he rarely contacted her during the week.

The other female posters hemmed and hawed and finally a guy said definitively: "He's dating a woman who works Saturdays. Drop him if you're looking for an exclusive relationship."

The OP then went on to mention that the last few dates he hassled her to pay for the date.

Have to know the circumstances and be able to set up the baseline.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> They would break off with me literally go on one date and be right back.
> 
> Glad you had fun though! Is that how you found your H?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay I think I'm understanding maybe a little bit now. Your first thought quoted above helps me, I think. In my profile, I emphatically stated that I was not in it for a booty call (although I appreciate the ego stroke)-I wanted a relationship.

I never broke anything off with these guys, there was really nothing to break off. We were getting to know eachother. We'd be talking on the phone or texting and they'd ask me if I was available on a certain date and I would say no, I've got a date. Then they'd be aghast at that notion. Did they expect me to put all of my eggs in one basket? I also wanted to illustrate that I'm not sitting at home waiting by the phone for them to call-I have a life. KWIM?

Was that wrong? What should I have done differently?

Conan, I'm not married, I have a live-in BF and yes, that's how we met.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> You sure that they were butt hurt?


I think so. I'm remembering two guys in particular who voiced very very strong disapproval.

Let me be clear: I'm not blaming them or judging them for not wanting to take me on another date, obviously that is their decision to make. 

For me the question still remains: How can you find "The One" if you don't multi-date?:scratchhead:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> I think so. I'm remembering two guys in particular who voiced very very strong disapproval.
> 
> Let me be clear: I'm not blaming them or judging them for not wanting to take me on another date, obviously that is their decision to make.
> 
> For me the question still remains: How can you find "The One" if you don't multi-date?:scratchhead:


If your situation is like Deejo said then maybe there really isn't a better way for you. I have never had any problem meeting new people through acquaintances and friends hell, even just walking around. Still happens all the time. If my wife passed away or we divorced, I could easily date any number of people I have already met. I am very outgoing and confident though so maybe my personality helps me out.

I could probably try multi dating. Might be fun for me as long as the women weren't multi-fvcking!&#55357;&#56841;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> Okay I think I'm understanding maybe a little bit now. Your first thought quoted above helps me, I think. In my profile, I emphatically stated that I was not in it for a booty call (although I appreciate the ego stroke)-I wanted a relationship.
> 
> I never broke anything off with these guys, there was really nothing to break off. We were getting to know eachother.* We'd be talking on the phone or texting and they'd ask me if I was available on a certain date *and I would say no, I've got a date. Then they'd be aghast at that notion. Did they expect me to put all of my eggs in one basket? I also wanted to illustrate that I'm not sitting at home waiting by the phone for them to call-I have a life. KWIM?
> 
> ...


I learned to say that I was not available on that date. I did notice when I was dating -- even the second time around-- that men are very comfortable probing for more information (ie what were doing? who was with you (especially when you said you were out with friends) and so on-- but when you asked them the same questions, they very deftly dodged the questions.

For me, dating became a very fine blanacing act. That is, to not appear too keen, available or desperate, but at the same time, what to do..... not accept a date from someone else? I did learn to build up my social circles so that kept me busy during the uncertain phases.

Even my husband justified his fooling around with his just a friend ex by saying that he had no idea what I was doing on my end (but he also didn't ask)


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If your situation is like Deejo said then maybe there really isn't a better way for you. I have never had any problem meeting new people through acquaintances and friends hell, even just walking around. Still happens all the time. If my wife passed away or we divorced, I could easily date any number of people I have already met. I am very outgoing and confident though so maybe my personality helps me out.
> 
> I could probably try multi dating. Might be fun for me as long as the women weren't multi-fvcking!&#55357;&#56841;
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, my situation echoes Deejo's. And I'm similar to you, too, Conan. I'm gregarious and sociable, I love meeting new people and have no issues with that. 

But the online dating appealed to me because I'm a busy woman and I don't have time to waste lol. Traditional, organic dating just didn't appeal to me as the main vehicle for meeting someone special. Online, I had their CV right in front of me (fully knowing that anyone can lie like a rug about themselves) and it was a long, strange trip for sure. 

As a side note, for those of you interested in online dating, INSIST on a date-stamped, full-body picture!

Sorry, but I had to say it.

Oh the stories I could tell! Sheesh.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LOL! Honestly, I can get a good feel for a woman when interacting. I probably wouldn't date online. Multi, maybe, online, nope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> This was one shocking truth I had to learn about online dating. Don't assume cause people will come up with all kinds of excuses and the " well done on never said you wanted to be exclusive" has burned me.
> 
> You have to define EVERYTHING from what exclusive means, when it is taking place, defining what sex means (this one was my personal favorite) and so on. It's a strange world


What is so strange about this? It is all about communication and understanding that no one is committed to you after just one or two dates. Dating = shopping. Why would anyone expect that someone they date on a dating site would not be dating others? It is strange to assume that, to me.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I think so. I'm remembering two guys in particular who voiced very very strong disapproval.
> 
> Let me be clear: I'm not blaming *them or judging them* for not wanting to take me on another date, obviously that is their decision to make.
> 
> For me the question still remains: How can you find "The One" if you don't multi-date?:scratchhead:


Kinda sounded like you were when you called them butt hurt because they are making a decision other than to be part of the multi-date experience

What I guess I don't get is how can you not know if you are interested after spending some time with someone. I'm not talking about a first meet which barely qualifies for a first date I'm talking about multiple dates to months of dating multiple men or women. If you don't know after a few dates then you really do know the answer ..that they aren't the one for you.

I have done it this way. Online profile goes up I am talking to as many women as I can. We are communicating through emails and text messages. If they are peaking my interest I am asking them for a quick meet, couple beers or coffee, to see if we have any connection in person. We meet I am still talking to other women who I may be interested in meeting. Once I meet one who I feel like I may have a connection with I ask for a date and see how that goes. if by the end of that date I'm interested I'm done with the others for now. I put my attention into this one without distractions of others to see if it could develop into more. If it does great. If not no biggie back onto the website we go.

I have a good friend, female, who was heavy into online dating at one point. She told me that if a woman tells you that she is dating around then what she is essentially saying is she isn't very interested in you and wants to establish an arms length. She told me that these are the girls who will just one day up and disappear, no goodbyes , no not interested , just no more answering texts or phone calls. as I looked back over my experience this is exactly what I found. Anytime I was told, I'm dating around, they were never around me for very long. 

So yes I do take multi dating as a sign of disinterest. I'm just more of a one at a time guy and that's what works for me


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> What is so strange about this? It is all about communication and understanding that no one is committed to you after just one or two dates. Dating = shopping. Why would anyone expect that someone they date on a dating site would not be dating others? It is strange to *assume* that, to me.


I don't assume I define what we are both looking for an what our expectations are .... How is that assuming?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Kinda sounded like you were when you called them butt hurt because they are making a decision other than to be part of the multi-date experience
> 
> if by the end of that date I'm interested I'm done with the others for now. I put my attention into this one without distractions of others to see if it could develop into more.
> 
> ...


I'm enjoying this so much. I'm getting a real education here, thank you. It's interesting to see a handful of men say they aren't multidaters. I know I shouldn't paint with a broad brush, but I didn't think you guys existed. You know, like a unicorn who poops skittles. Just doesn't exist.

I can only speak for myself re: your friend's observations. That is SOOOO not me! But I don't doubt her. 

And I wasn't butt hurt at all about those instances. I laughed, I thought it was odd yet humorous. No skin off my nose, onto the next prospect! I strongly feel, though, that these guys' egos were bruised because I wanted to keep shopping and didn't declare them all that and a bag of chips.

I cannot agree enough with Faithful Wife when she said dating=shopping. Well said!

Thanks for letting me invade your corner of The Internets and thank you for your candor.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I'm enjoying this so much. I'm getting a real education here, thank you. It's interesting to see a handful of men say they aren't multidaters. I know I shouldn't paint with a broad brush, but I didn't think you guys existed. You know, like a unicorn who poops skittles. Just doesn't exist.
> 
> I can only speak for myself re: your friend's observations. That is SOOOO not me! But I don't doubt her.
> 
> ...


No issue....its a good topic I think


I would just say that I think that men and women's experience with online dating are very different. As a guy you get rejected....a lot.......and that becomes frustrating. Most guys I know even if they wanted to multi date don't have the ability to unless they are using a lot of different means to get dates. Going back to my friend she could arrange a date for Friday night and Saturday night on Friday morning. I saw her do it. I couldn't do that lol.

So maybe these guys were hurt I don't know. I can only speak from my little splice of the world and what I have experienced and that's if I'm interested in someone and she wants to date around our level of interest are not matched and it's time for me to look elsewhere.

One compliment to you is that you are up front an being honest about what you are doing. So many liars out there it's unreal. I have never been upset when a woman said they were going out with someone else, disappointed once or twice but not upset, I wished them well and appreciated the honesty. I wish more women were like you in that regard.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Women were and I guess still are, encouraged to multi date so that we don't get hung up on one guy before he decides that he is ready to be exclusive.

The other advantage to multi dating is that if a guy tries a bait and switch on you, you could have enough options that it would be easy to turned down the new and last minute offer of a date. Yes, there are guys out there who will alter the terms of the date just to see what they can get away with.

I've been a victim of it and a few other women have as well.


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