# Fiancé addicted to porn, dating sites, and taboo porn



## dyb770

...


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## SunCMars

You did not lose the person you fell in love with...
You found him.
You found him out.

Pass on him. 
This is one of those mindsets that can be overcome. If he wanted to break away.

He does not.
Break away for him....file for divorce.


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## pragmaticGoddess

I think the person you fell in love with has not changed. He just had this side you didn’t know existed. I’m so sorry to hear he is on those sex sites. If he hasn’t cheated I think he’s very close. 

I think he’s lying to you when he says he’s talking to girls because he is doing so for you. Honestly that sounds like gaslighting. It sounds fluffy. 

He has also said he does not want to stop using porn. This is an addiction he’s in. A few of my thoughts: 

- you cannot change him. You said you wanted to stay to help him. From experience, unless the addicted person wants to change, your love is not strong enough for him to stop. Your love itself can never be enough to help him conquer his addiction. 

- you have to ask yourself whether you’re willing to live with him the way he is. Knowing he would never change. You also live with the risk of him acting out on his fantasies. 

- if you’re not having sex, how is he getting this release after watching porn? Are you assuming masturbation is enough?

- if you are having sex, are you comfortable with him have these mental images while you are?


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## poida

I liken porn to alcohol. 

It can be used casually without much consequence.
It can be used extensively in unhealthy ways that affect you and the people surrounding you.
It can be used as an addict would with dramatic affect.

Dont try to change the man. That is his journey. 

If you can't live with it, you know what to do. You owe it to him to make it clear that that is your stance and not negotiable. Sorry there is no easier answer.


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## sokillme

Run for the hills. Seriously if you were into it and doing it together that would be one thing, he has lied to you and has a secret life, if you marry him you will be making a huge mistake.


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## FieryHairedLady

Get out now while you still can. No marriage and no kids = green light!!! RUN!!!!


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## toblerone

Hey the dude you're gonna marry is already setting up encounters behind your back and without your consent.

This isn't going to get better.

It isn't the fact that he's checking out porn. It's not that he's into taboo ****. It's not that he's on swing lifestyle sites or following porn stars.

It's the fact that he's gonna probably be your husband sooner or later and you're 100% not into all this ****.

So, I don't think he needs help, necessarily. I just think he shouldn't be your husband.


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## MJJEAN

This isn't about porn. This is about incompatibility. He wants to have a non-monogamous relationship that includes group sex between at least you, him, and another woman and he's willing to go behind your back in attempts to arrange it. You do not want this lifestyle. You aren't compatible. Time to buckle up, end this sham of a relationship, and move on.


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## Openminded

You made a mistake by going back. Don't compound it by staying with him. He doesn't want help. This is who he is and who he always was -- you're just finally seeing the real him. Move on.


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## NickyT

You say you went back to him to help him - he does not want to be helped, not really.

You are 25 and you have been with this man for 5 years, 2 of which you were engaged. Huh? If he wanted to marry you, you would be married. 

I am sorry to be so blunt, but you are not dealing with reality. This is not something you are going to fix. It is how he chooses to live his life. He is not seeking help. Furthermore, he is making you feel like there is something wrong with YOU. He is crazy making and you are allowing it. He is trying to get you to act out his selfish fantasies with no regard to your boundaries. Bottom line: HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU.

This man is NOT husband material, and certainly not father material should you think you might want to have children.

This type of porn usage is not normal and it is not healthy. Yes, most men look at porn, but this man is obsessive to the exclusion of normal relationships. 

Get out. If you have no one to talk to, that is ok. You have your wits about you. Time to start doing what is right. Staying with this man is not right. Better to talk to no one than this guy. Start a new activity or get involved in a charity (a food bank, a church, etc) and simply BE around nice people.


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## Bonkers

dyb770 said:


> I'm scared I've lost the person I fell in love with


Nah, he's still the same guy you fell in love with.


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## Steve2.0

poida said:


> It can be used casually without much consequence.
> It can be used extensively in unhealthy ways that affect you and the people surrounding you.
> It can be used as an addict would with dramatic affect.


I couldn't agree more ^^

Him using the 'all guys use porn' is just an smoke and mirrors trick. I watch porn but i don't meet people and talk to them about weird taboo stuff. It seems like he has a self-interest in some weird stuff and is pretty far down that rabbit hole.

The question is.. can you entice him out of that with your own bedroom stuff... or is he on a separate path.

Find out quick, and get out if necessary. Your young so two paths will open up... either you will stick around and have life-long challenges from this, or you will move on and very shortly find happiness somewhere else


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## sandcastle

Steve2.0 said:


> The question is.. can you entice him out of that with your own bedroom stuff... or is he on a separate path.
> 
> Find out quick, and get out of necessary.


Yes- OP!

Hang from the chandeliers and "find out quick" if you are sexy enough to keep your man.

If the chandelier trick does not work-
Then invite you best and most sexy GF to have a threesome!

OP- this is ALL ON YOU.


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## Steve2.0

*from:* https://yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do
_These stress neurochemicals increase excitement while amplifying dopamine's already powerful effects. Over time a porn user’s brain can mistake feelings of anxiety or fear for feelings of sexual arousal. This helps explain why some porn users escalate into ever more shocking or anxiety invoking porn – as they need that extra neurochemical jolt just to become sexually aroused, or to orgasm._
_
An Italian study found that 16% of high school seniors who consumed porn more than once a week experienced abnormally low sexual desire. Compare that to 0% of non-porn users reporting low sexual desire. The take away is that addiction is not required for either significant brain changes or negative effects._


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## Diana7

is this the sort of men who you want as a father to your children? What a relief that you are not married, you can end this now and find a good man with integrity instead of this awful man who has no intention of stopping what he is doing. No not all men do it, some men actually stay away from porn completely, let alone all the other things he is doing. 
Please end this sham, he clearly has no respect or love for you, or any intention of being faithful.


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## GusPolinski

He’s lying.

Dump him.


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## Spring123

dyb770 said:


> New member here. I just need someone to talk to.
> 
> My story. I'm not married, I have been engaged for two years, together for five.
> 
> I knew he watched porn but I didn't know it was that bad. I told him it made me uncomfortable. Last year I found out he was watching taboo porn and meeting like minded people behind my back and having discussions on kik and forums. I left for three month, got counseling on my own, he went a few times. I went back to him, told him I wanted to help, be there for him, support him, and get through this.
> 
> Fast forward a year later. I caught him on dating apps, extreme porn websites, kik, instagram and Facebook (following porn stars and models), swing lifestyle, fetlife, and had bought a strap on he had been hiding in the closet. I confronted him about it and he told me he was not cheating but trying to find a girl for me to be with. This was one of his fantasies and most of the porn he watches is this type. He said he would talk to girls trying to get them to meet me. I've told him on many occasions I don't feel comfortable with that lifestyle or doing those things. I'm not ready for that and don't plan to be anytime soon.
> 
> I told him he needs help and he refuses. He said they can't do anything and every guy looks at porn. He said it's just natural and not a big deal. He was only looking for fun and didn't mean to hurt me.
> 
> I feel so crazy, sad, upset, hurt, and lost. I'm only 25 and since last year I have been carrying all this weight. I don't think he has hit rock bottom. I feel insecure and ugly inside and out. How can someone we love bring us so much pain and hurt. He told him doesn't want to stop watching porn. I don't know what to do anymore. I need someone to talk to. I am seeking a counselor at the moment. I'm scared I've lost the person I fell in love with


Does he work?

I don't understand how he has time to do all of this stuff.


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