# how do you know when you are through???



## aces70 (Aug 2, 2009)

I've been considering divorce for several months now. I've been married to my husband almost 16 years. We have 3 kids, 1 teenager and 2 young kids. I've been home with the 2 youngest for several years now. I saw a divorce attorney and things look good for me. We have my husbands truck note and our mortgage. That's it. I don't want the house. My car is paid for and still under warranty. My husband makes good money so with his child support and me going back to work the kids and I will be fine.

Problems: he treats me like I'm the maid. I'm supposed to do EVERYTHING with no help from him. EVERYTHING includes washing his moldy dishes because he can't be bothered to bring them home from work before they mold. He never picks up after himself and constantly takes digs at me if his drink isn't made or his clothes aren't washed.

Another problem is our finances. He makes good money but I'm a saver and he's a spender. If we have something we actually NEED for the house I put it off because I'll find a $500 washing machine that meets my needs fine but he'd rather me buy one that costs $2000.

He has absolutely no patience with our kids and always getting onto them constantly. Rarely ever praises them and it's gotten to the point that my oldest doesn't even like being around him anymore.


he's never here, always working and I have to do absolutely everything by myself. The only difference between me and a single mother is that I don't have to work but I do have to cook, clean and put up with a man that's always negative.

While he acts like this all the time he's shocked that I won't have sex with him because he thinks that would fix all our problems.

It won't and I deserve to be treated better and I really don't think he can change.

Before I break up my family how do I know that there's no fixing this?

Edited to add: I have lost all respect for him and I feel like he doesn't respect me either.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you tried counseling or working with him on changing these issues? Does he have any idea how close you are to throwing in the towel?

C
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## aces70 (Aug 2, 2009)

He does not know. We've been down this road years ago. He changed for awhile but only because he was mad about how much money I was going to end up with.
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## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

It doesn't sound good that would be the reason he would try and change. But as we all know you can't really change a man right - but it does sound like he's not that happy either.

Looking back on my marriage and divorce, perhaps if things were brought more to my attention we could've done something about them. I had no idea there were problems so big that she wanted a divorce until she blatantly smacked me with them.

When you are through is the day you sign on the dotted line and the marriage is over or even after.

It can be saved and worked on but at this point it will take some very open communication, egos set aside, and a lot of want and work. Otherwise it may not look good.

Good luck,

Joe


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Ahhhh a subject near yo my heart let me give you a checklist.

1. If you can sleep next to him and imagine him having sex with someone else and feel nothing.

2. If you hope he is having an affair as it would make it easier to leave.

3. When he comes home it irritates you.

4. When he texts you just tell yourself it can wait.

5. When the thought if doing the same dance for the rest if your life makes you sick and scared.

6. When you don't want to make things better you have run out of hope that they can get better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO read through part of "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" when she was deciding her options. She found it useful, I think. She only made it partway through before it clarified her situation. 

C
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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

aces70 said:


> I've been considering divorce for several months now. I've been married to my husband almost 16 years. We have 3 kids, 1 teenager and 2 young kids. I've been home with the 2 youngest for several years now. I saw a divorce attorney and things look good for me. We have my husbands truck note and our mortgage. That's it. I don't want the house. My car is paid for and still under warranty. My husband makes good money so with his child support and me going back to work the kids and I will be fine.
> 
> Problems: he treats me like I'm the maid. I'm supposed to do EVERYTHING with no help from him. EVERYTHING includes washing his moldy dishes because he can't be bothered to bring them home from work before they mold. He never picks up after himself and constantly takes digs at me if his drink isn't made or his clothes aren't washed.
> 
> ...


if he makes good money then go get a job and let him hire a maid. Even if you are essentially paying as much as you make, your job won't be being the maid while he is working to pay for your families life. As far as the other comments it really just sounds like you do not like him. So, that makes me assume you like the bills paid and not the effort it takes for a good marriage. You are not sounding like a person ready to do what it takes to save the marriage, you sound like a person that wants, the kids, monthly check and a way out. He can't change for you if this is what you actually want. If you want a good marriage then fight for it by not letting off the gas once he starts to change and when he slips then address it. Only accept genuine effort on his part and if he is a POS still, then you have your answer. If you want to save it then talk to him and demand MC and once that starts, stay on him when he slips, and praise him when he succeeds and you feel appreciated.
Also realize you are not giving him sex due to the stuff you say about how he makes you feel and what you need to understand about men is you make him feel the same way by not giving him sex. He will not just give you what you want if you do not give him what he wants.
good luck


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## Overwhelmed in NE (Sep 20, 2013)

CEL...is this your personal checklist? I am concerned that I pretty much can answer yes to them all. Some days I feel more strongly about some of them too...


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## aces70 (Aug 2, 2009)

nogutsnoglory said:


> if he makes good money then go get a job and let him hire a maid. Even if you are essentially paying as much as you make, your job won't be being the maid while he is working to pay for your families life. As far as the other comments it really just sounds like you do not like him. So, that makes me assume you like the bills paid and not the effort it takes for a good marriage. You are not sounding like a person ready to do what it takes to save the marriage, you sound like a person that wants, the kids, monthly check and a way out. He can't change for you if this is what you actually want. If you want a good marriage then fight for it by not letting off the gas once he starts to change and when he slips then address it. Only accept genuine effort on his part and if he is a POS still, then you have your answer. If you want to save it then talk to him and demand MC and once that starts, stay on him when he slips, and praise him when he succeeds and you feel appreciated.
> Also realize you are not giving him sex due to the stuff you say about how he makes you feel and what you need to understand about men is you make him feel the same way by not giving him sex. He will not just give you what you want if you do not give him what he wants.
> good luck


There once was a time when I was willing to do whatever it took but I think that ship has sailed. Deep down somewhere I think I still love him but you are right, I do not LIKE him anymore.
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## aces70 (Aug 2, 2009)

aces70 said:


> There once was a time when I was willing to do whatever it took but I think that ship has sailed. Deep down somewhere I think I still love him but you are right, I do not LIKE him anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying not to give too many details so still remain anonymous but let's just say our 2 younger kids have some problems and are a bit hard too handle. My oldest had an after school thing today so I've been off with him and the 2 younger ones. Today the younger two have been especially, trying. I walked in the door and my husband was mad because I never called him even though the kids were being horrible so he just got in his car and left me with it.

Oh and now my oldest wants to know why did Dad slam the door and leave?
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Aces,
I feel for you, as you are isolated with your kids and stuck doing everything.

I can't help but imagine what life would like for you when you are a single mom. You will still have to do everything (less for him) but will do so after you have worked all day. 

Just saying.... it's not just HIM that is the sole underlying cause of it all .. is it? You sound a bit harried, burnt out maybe.

Do you do things for YOU? What kind of job do you want to look for?

Kinda asking.. have you thought of getting a job now, getting some child care, trying to make life \ house a bit simpler, and then you will be in a better position to move forward? It can't hurt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What things have you done over time to try to fix your marriage?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

aces70 said:


> I'm trying not to give too many details so still remain anonymous but let's just say our 2 younger kids have some problems and are a bit hard too handle. My oldest had an after school thing today so I've been off with him and the 2 younger ones. Today the younger two have been especially, trying. I walked in the door and my husband was mad because I never called him even though the kids were being horrible so he just got in his car and left me with it.
> 
> Oh and now my oldest wants to know why did Dad slam the door and leave?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


really sounds like he resents you as much as you resent him. Sorry you are both going through this.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Overwhelmed in NE said:


> CEL...is this your personal checklist? I am concerned that I pretty much can answer yes to them all. Some days I feel more strongly about some of them too...


That's the short one. I was with someone for 9 years house and all. Till I had someone a great person sit me down and really talked to me about it. Then I realized the above. 

A lot if people will say stick it out. And they are right. I am going to say that stick it out if you want to, if you still have hope, if you still want to fight. If you don't then you need to be honest with him let him know that you have fallen out if love with him. Don't laundry list him with all his defects but be honest that you are just not compatible any longer too much blood, disappointment and resentment to move on. Tell him you are sorry for breaking your vows and that may be real hard no matter the reasons you made pledges and you are breaking them. Keep your honor by being honest with him and taking the blame for ending it. Then you can walk away with your honor and integrity.

You will always wonder what if. No matter how many times you try. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if this is what you want and if not then take your lumps and leave. If you want to know more let me know I am on my phone so short post.


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