# Need support to follow through the plan the leave my alcoholic husband



## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I just checked my last post, it's been another two months. In fact it has been a year, or ... 14 years rather. 

Few weeks ago, we had a big fight yet again after he hit another car outside the beer store in the evening. His knee jerk reaction, "Hurry up! Switch Seat!". He kept saying it was an accident. I asked him how can it be an accident that you drive without a license and put me and everyone at risk for all these years. I stopped him from driving, he still tried. That same morning I got up, and the kitchen was a big mess because he was pissed drank that night. I got upset and very tired. I didn't clean up. How can it still affect me emotional after all these years? I should have already gotten used to it shouldn't I?! 

Past Friday night, 2 days ago, I picked him up from work and we went out for dinner, like every Friday now. The pattern settle in with him very quickly. We will have dinner, he would go to his friends place, and come home drank at 3-4am, got up Saturday at 3-4pm. This Friday, during dinner I have mentioned to him about us not having any sex for few months. I know because I count how many periods have passed, hoping again one day we can resolve our intimacy issue which I have a very difficult time understanding. He told me we will spend time together tomorrow. 

After dinner I dropped him off to his 'friends' place as his request, and he told me I will be home in a few hours and promised won't get drank... the worst is... at that moment I believe him?! Can you believe ME?! It was 3am, I texted him with no response, and then he came home all f--ked up. He put the collar on the dog, he put the leash on the dog, walk around the apartment, take it off again, wrap it around the dog, drop the leash, put them back on again. He goes out the door, come back in, fiddling around the lock. He stand there, wobbling, bumping into things. He got a big bag of unopened tall boys (beer) on the kitchen table. He kept saying "where's my key", I lost my keys, while bumping into things. He checked his phone, I don't know what he was checking or texting who. I told him, how can you get home if you don't have your keys! He didn't seem to hear me, I repeated myself and raised my voice. He finally heard me or even know my existence, he said "I am taking the dog out". I said how the f--k can you come back in without your keys?! 

I have had it. I found his keys on the kitchen table, I gave him the key since he was already dragged the dog out in the hallway. I slammed the door behind him and yelled F--K YOU! I have dived into depression yet again. 

Saturday he got up at 4pm, acted as if everything is normal. I slept on the couch. He asked if we want to go play golf. I didn't response. He said one of his buddy likes me, he told me he kept referring me as 'you beautiful wife'. He said he didn't know what they gave him to smoke, he only had two drinks, and then after he smoke the stuff 'they' gave him, he was all f--ked up. We went out for dinner to his favourite restaurant. After we came home, I retired myself to bed. He asked me if I wanted to go see a movie, he came checked on me, he asked me if I feel sick, etc. I didn't response I just said no. I didn't want to talk to him, I need to avoid him. 

That morning, I have made a decision to leave this marriage. I am going bankrupt. I have been trying to preparing papers for an equivalent of bankruptcy protection chapter 7 in US. Preparing proposal how I plan to turn my business around with a positive cash flow NOW. I have put the remaining of my employees to half time, trying to collect outstanding AR and restructure. Less staffs mean I am doing everything myself now and I can barely keep up with my emotional state. I just ignore pretty much everyone and everything that comes my way let alone execute my plan to make this profitable again.

My plan is to put my business up for sell, get myself a job and get the cash flow for myself to pay for him and myself to separate and slowly pick myself up. 

I can't fall back to the drama, and I know I will. He is all nice, doing the good things now. Didn't get piss drank last night, come to bed earlier. He didn't get angry, he did the dishes, called his buddy today to install the air conditioner today. This is exactly our cycle. He is nice and sweet and I fall back in place again as long as there's peace, until next time.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

You are on your way, you have at least recognized the pattern, that's a great first step! You don't have to live like that, life can be so much.

Have you talked to a lawyer or financial planner? Make sure you have the best plan possible. Do you have friends and family to help you? Al Anon? Have you read anything about the 180 and how to detach yourself from the toxic relationship? Good luck, take deep breaths, stay calm, and make goals.


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

Keep going! I was with someone for 7 years that drank and it progressively got worse throughout the years. He was verbally abusive, would always pass out at 6pm and it all ended in physical abuse. You need to get out of it.
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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It may not be an easy road but you can do it!! It will be more than worth it to have peace in your life. Best of luck to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm very disappointed to see you're STILL letting him drive your car without license and insurance. So what did you do? Switch places with him?

What is anyone here going to tell you that you don't already know you need to do? Or that hasn't already been posted in your threads?

C


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Divorce may change him. You can't be sure of anything, but alcoholism is a disease that you do not have live with.
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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Just as I thought he is leaving, it is not over. 

How do I leave?

We had a few fights over the weeks. The utility guy came to cut our service, he answered the door and ask me what to do. I told him to tell the guy to f-off and let him cut it. He managed to ask mom for money and finally paid part of the bill so we still have our utilities. We had only $6 in our account, I asked why. He is earning minimum wage here translate to approx 400 a week take home. He doesn't pay anything else since I am paying rent, car payments, insurance, etc. We all know he spend all his money on drinks. Over that week, it was all great actually. He started to buy grocery, fill in the car. He took overtime and his boss told him they will train him to work another machine, once he can handle that he will get a raise. And obviously he wasn't buying drinks for that week. That's all good, right? 

So... once again I thought to myself, I love him and he is great guy. We have been through a lot and now he is stepping up, and his effort 'confirms' he loves me and we have hope, right? 

One day he told me what happened at work, he was stressed. He said he was blamed on something he has no control over, and the manager has given him too much work and his toes hurt. For me those are normal work stress. The next day, he sent me text told me his feet hurts and he might leave early. I didn't receive his text because my phone was dead and I just let it charged, I was actually home early. I went about making supper and prepare to drop off food at his work (he works night shift). By the time I received the messages, I text him back told him I am going to pick him up. He text me told me he was at his friend, just go there instead. So I did. 
They were setting up bonfire, drinking and smoking. He even told me, come sit and chill out for an hour before we go home. I was pissed. I told him I have work to be done, I want to go home NOW.

We went home, while we took the dog out he asked me why am I so angry. I was losing it, I told him really you want me to tell you why I am angry? I told him this is why I was so angry, during the 5 years I was sick and in so much pain, in and out of the ER and was constantly worrying about not able to support US, I wouldn't leave work unless I was really sick. He is obviously wasn't feeling that bad that he can't work. Instead of going home, he went to 'chill out' and get stoned!! I reminded him the bills we need to pay!

He kept defensing himself, that he didn't know where I was, he texted and called. He said he didn't know where I was and thought I was in some business meetings again. I was about blowed over and told him it is not ABOUT THE TEXT DAMMIT!

Anyway, I said it. I asked him, 'Why did you sponge off me all these years'. He was angry. He said he is already trying, he said he appreciates what I do all these years. He said if I am so unhappy then pack my stuff and leave, that I have no respect for him and I don't treat him like a man. That I blame it all on him, that I put it on his face everyday we need to pay the bills and we lost our house. He said 'go find yourself a rich man who can support you, your mom will be happy'. And then he said he will pack up and move out over the weekend. This all happened on Thursday. 

Friday I left for work. He texted me asked me if we want to go out for dinner. Anyway, I ignore him, I told him I was already having dinner. I didn't go home till late, and I didn't speak to him. He was all nice to me, and he didn't go to friend to get stoned. 

Yesterday, he brought me flowers, he was all nice. I was planning to 'talk about our issues' last night, but he was all setup to bath our sick dogs, went out to get dinner and all that so I didn't bring it up. 

Why didn't he pack up? 

What would happened if you give your wife flowers and made some 'efforts' on cleaning and stuff, and your wife still wants to split. How would you feel? 

At this point, I am still struggling with 'working it out' or 'leave'. Unless he stop drinking at all and get his license. First it was his drinking, he went to rehab became sober. Now he got his job and drinking and doping, what's the use? 

PBear, you got to understand, I cannot change someone else, let or not let other people do as they wish. Forcing someone to do things they don't wish to do triggers harmful response sometimes. I didn't switch places with him, I walked out of the car and there no more driving for him, another freak-out session from me that night and that's that. To be honest, he has a better driving record than people , sometimes I wonder how people got their license and allowed to drive on the road. But, yes there's on excuse of driving stoned with no license and put the public at risk, you are right.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You keep waffling so your wants/needs/demands/ultimatums/threats...whatever's mean absolutely nothing to him. In his mind you get ticked off, blow up and then forget about it the next day and life goes back to normal. A few flowers and everything's OK.

How could you NOT talk about him NOT moving out? Seriously that conversation is a big deal, and to just sweep it under the rug like it never happened...I just don't get it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Not only is he stoned and without a license, but your insurance is void. But we've covered that. Repeatedly. 

And you're right... You can't force him to change. But you can implement (and enforce) boundaries of acceptable behavior. And you still haven't done that. If you're serious about this, borrow the money you need to get this guy out of your life. Or file the paperwork on your own. DO something to take a next step. 

C
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