# Sexless marriage, what to do



## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

We have been married going on 2yrs, been together for almost 6yrs. I love my wife but we are in a sexless marriage. We will have sex once every 3-4 months but as long as 6. She just isn't interested in sex anymore and it kills me because I'm a polar opposite person. And when we do have sex it's awkward to the point I can't get aroused by her. I'm 34 so no I don't have "that problem". We both have kids from prior relationships so we are a busy house. I don't know what to do I'm starting to resent her and it seems like I'm always irritated. But it's gotten to the point I've just given up and I've started to develop feelings for a good friend of mine, no i havent talked to my friend about my feelings for her. No I haven't cheated and up to this point never thought I would. But we seem more like roommates than husband and wife. I've tried talking to her about it and she knows how I feel and she feels bad, claims she's trying but that's it. She truly loves and cares about me but could care less about sex. Plus it doesn't help one of her friends despises having sex with her husband (no particular reason, just hates sex.) I just don't know what to do but I can't waste my life not having sex with my partner.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Everyone likes sex so is it possible she is getting her sexual needs met by masturbation or another man?

Are you being a leader and the man she was originally attracted to or have you become unattractive? 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You have two choices: Either accept the fact that you guys are basically roommates and learn how to live with it by using that energy towards improving yourself (work, gym, hobbies or friends) or you leave. You are young enough to still have the life you want.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Also, cut off contact with your female friend NOW. You are playing with fire.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Everyone likes sex so is it possible she is getting her sexual needs met by masturbation or another man?
> 
> Are you being a leader and the man she was originally attracted to or have you become unattractive?
> 
> Read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer.


I know she's faithful, she doesn't go anywhere outside the house and if she does it's with her grandma or me. She just doesn't see sex in the same light as me. She's told me her past relationships ruined sex for her so I'm the one punished. To answer your second part she still says she's attracted to me and goes out of her to do things for me but that stops in the bedroom. I've more or less given up but pushing the issue makes me look selfish. She'll cuddle and kiss and do everything right up to the point of sex then basically rolls over and says goodnight. We've got kids so just up and leaving isn't really in the cards.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Also, cut off contact with your female friend NOW. You are playing with fire.


That I don't disagree with but it's more complicated than that, it's a simple friendship but also my physical therapist/massage. And no it's not what you think. I've got some complicated back issues and she's truly the only one that can work on me. Sounds like an excuse but that's the honest truth.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Many, many men have posted the same story here.

At this point you have to tell her that sex important to you and if your sex life doesn't improve you'll be leaving.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Are you sure she doesn't get herself off?

It is very common for a woman to deny her husband sex and then use a sex toy. That indicates she likes sex just not with her husband.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> Many, many men have posted the same story here.
> 
> At this point you have to tell her that sex important to you and if your sex life doesn't improve you'll be leaving.


this is very true.

look back over the past 5 months or so of posts like yours, and you will get the full nine yards of advice.

basically, you have to make sure she KNOWS how important sex is to you, and that you do not consider a sexless relationship a marriage, and if the sex does not improve you will be looking to divorce her.

that is a little harsh for her cute little world, but you need to knock her upside her head, figuratively, to make her realize you are serious.

then there are all sorts of things to do....
does she take any prescription drugs that have bad sexual side effects?
have her doctor check her hormone levels.
Does she have any body image issues, like she thinks she is fat or "nobody could be attracted to my old body".
Does she have any toxic friends who might be poisoning the marriage, especially lesbian ones?

And do not be so sure she does not have a side piece. what you said, that she has no time alone to do so, is what EVERYONE SAYS, about a week or two before they post here that they found evidence of her cheating. check the phone bill at least.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Tman35 said:


> I know she's faithful, she doesn't go anywhere outside the house and if she does it's with her grandma or me. She just doesn't see sex in the same light as me. She's told me her past relationships ruined sex for her so I'm the one punished.


Did you think this would change with marriage? It only gets worse. For the most part, it’s an unfixable problem (for most men). You might get some crumbs, but nothing more. Have you spoken to her about he failing to meet your needs?


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Did you think this would change with marriage? It only gets worse. For the most part, it’s an unfixable problem (for most men). You might get some crumbs, but nothing more. Have you spoken to her about he failing to meet your needs?


Most of which was found out post marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tman35 said:


> That I don't disagree with but it's more complicated than that, it's a simple friendship but also my physical therapist/massage. And no it's not what you think. I've got some complicated back issues and she's truly the only one that can work on me. Sounds like an excuse but that's the honest truth.


Come on now, of course she isn't the only one who can work on you. Find another therapist unless you want to blow your children's lives up.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> this is very true.
> 
> look back over the past 5 months or so of posts like yours, and you will get the full nine yards of advice.
> 
> ...


She's an attractive woman but she has self-esteem issues with what she thinks she should look like, she thinks she's fat because she's 125lbs. Before I posted my "story" I did read other posts and found several very similar to mine but it's still hard to diagnose through others eyes. But again we have a security cameras for our property and I get alerts. It wasn't put in place to catch her by no means per her request to feel safer. But like I said she doesn't even like leaving the house. Now my ex wife yes she was a cheating *****/drug addict. She is a good honest person, my biggest problem is I don't know how to have the conversation with her without pushing her away and making the problem bigger. She knows all this and she's convinced I'll just wake up one day and leave but she won't go to the doctor. At one time she was on a medication that killed her sex drive but she's off it now and for some time but it seemed to of gotten worse


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Tman35 said:


> She truly loves and cares about me but could care less about sex.


Sorry, but no she doesn't. If she truly loved and cared about you, she would take care of your sexual needs. She got what she wanted, someone to take care of her and her kids and then she pulled the plug. She's selfish and doesn't give a damn about you or your needs.

Now you can't change her, but you can make sure that she if feeling the consequences of her selfishness. Quit doing anything for her. If she asks you to open the pickle jar for her, tell her to figure it out herself. Take care of yourself and your kids and that's it. Let her fend for herself. She's not meeting your needs so don't meet hers. I would then tell her that you will not live a sexless life so she can decide how you will be satisfied. Her choices are that you will be openly masturbating, visiting hookers, getting a girlfriend, or divorce. Then insist that she choose. It's time for you to take control and bring an end to her comfortable little world.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Come on now, of course she isn't the only one who can work on you. Find another therapist unless you want to blow your children's lives up.


For the record are kids are from separate relationships, we don't have any together. But yes I agree and I would almost guarantee the feelings are one-sided. We're friends on a professional level I'm just lonely.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Tman35 said:


> I've tried talking to her about it and she knows how I feel and she feels bad, claims she's trying but that's it.


Does she even agree your marriage has a problem?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Married only 2 years, no kids together, you are in your early 30s. 

Leave the marriage now. I can't imagine sexless at your age.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tman35 said:


> She's told me her past relationships ruined sex for her so I'm the one punished.


How did they ruin sex for her? Did they sew up her jay-jay?

Look up the term "Alpha Widow."

Basically this is a crap excuse. 

Unless she was truly sexually assaulted or a victim of childhood sexual abuse (in which case she needs professional intervention and therapy) This is likely a case of she simply isn't attracted to you and does not desire you sexually. 

This is not to be confused with her not thinking you are good looking or not thinking that you are a good guy or a good husband and father. 

It means she doesn't see you as a sexually viable mate for her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would pursue the "body image" angle a little and see how that works out.

if she has in her mind that she is a corpulent blob at all of 125 lbs....then she is going to avoid having sex with you because in her mind, how could you possibly enjoy sex with someone so fat! 

I had something similar going on , and overcame it
one thing i did was take her on lingerie and clothing shopping trips. i made SURE she did not buy granny clothes, but instead things a little risque.
You have to take them along, because if you bought some lingerie, and it was too tight, once again that would re-inforce her wrong idea that she was fat.
so just show her the things you want her wearing, and let her figure out the correct size.

then, every time she wears some of this hot new clothing, you of course have to respond very enthusiastically. let her know how horny she is making you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tman35 said:


> We have been married going on 2yrs, been together for almost 6yrs. I love my wife but we are in a sexless marriage. We will have sex once every 3-4 months but as long as 6. She just isn't interested in sex anymore and it kills me because I'm a polar opposite person. And when we do have sex it's awkward to the point I can't get aroused by her. I'm 34 so no I don't have "that problem". We both have kids from prior relationships so we are a busy house. I don't know what to do I'm starting to resent her and it seems like I'm always irritated. But it's gotten to the point I've just given up and I've started to develop feelings for a good friend of mine, no i havent talked to my friend about my feelings for her. No I haven't cheated and up to this point never thought I would. But we seem more like roommates than husband and wife. I've tried talking to her about it and she knows how I feel and she feels bad, claims she's trying but that's it. She truly loves and cares about me but could care less about sex. Plus it doesn't help one of her friends despises having sex with her husband (no particular reason, just hates sex.) I just don't know what to do but I can't waste my life not having sex with my partner.


It's not because of her friend. But how did you not know this before you got married? If you know this isn't going to work and she just has no interest in sex then I don't know why you got married but you should get unmarried. I don't think she's going to magically transform. You can waste an awful lot of time waiting for a miracle. Don't cheat. At least do things in the right order.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Tman35 said:


> . We've got kids so just up and leaving isn't really in the cards.
> [/QUOTE
> 
> So, that's that. You are going nowhere. What are you expecting to change if you're not willing to do what obviously is what you need to do in order to find a partner that is willing to be intimate with you.
> ...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You can still be at a totally active father by getting 50/50 custody. And then your children could grow up in a more normal household, because your resentment is just going to build and build and that's not going to be happy for the children. 

It sounds like she knows she has issues but refuses to deal with them and has tried to deal with them in the past and failed. If you think it's a matter of mental illness or past trauma, maybe you just tell her you both need to go to marriage counseling together just to get her back in to see a doctor. Nothing's going to change if you don't make her realize it has to. But I agree with you that you don't want to coerce her into anything but I don't see anything wrong with doing everything you can to get her back in to see a psychologist of some sort or whatever doctor she needs to resolve her problem with medications and whatever brought her to medications.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There are kids in the house, but they're from previous marriages, you have none together, correct? 

Mate, you're 34 years old, for god sake take some action now, or this is what the rest of your life will look like. You are FAR TOO YOUNG to live life without sex.

At the very least, have a come to Jesus conversation with her - lay it all out, tell her the marriage is in jeopardy and she has 30 days to make some serious changes or you're done.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

And, when she plays the "You only want me for sex" card, and tells you you're "so selfish" for wanting a loving, fulfilling sex life, ignore her. You are not selfish. It's a perfectly natural thing to want.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Tman35 said:


> She knows all this and she's convinced I'll just wake up one day and leave but she won't go to the doctor. At one time she was on a medication that killed her sex drive but she's off it now and for some time but it seemed to of gotten worse


Shes already made her decision then. She’s drawn a line in the sand and said sorry, that’s it. You are on the flip side of telling her that life without sexual intimacy is unacceptable to you and will result in you leaving.

My suggestion is one last pitch, then exit. Look up “The sex starved marriage” Ted talk. Watch it yourself first, then with her. If she doesn’t see the finality of her position after that, there’s really nothing you can do.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

At 34, you two should be humping like rabbits. My wife and I are close to 40 and we still have good sex at least 4-5 times a week and we have been together 16 years total. 

I am going to just be absolutely blunt. You married a woman that came with someone elses baggage. You are understandable sexually frustrated. You even said you have feelings for someone else. 

It probably isn't getting any better. Do you see yourself living like this for another year, five years, ten years???? Didn't think so. Get out of that so called marriage before you wake up one day and realize you are 45 and married to someone who you deeply resent and doesn't respect your needs.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I have to agree with the others. Get out now as its just going to get worse. I am early 50s and my wife has no real interest any more. But its tougher to leave now than it would be at your age.

Bail out now...don't be me.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

Thank you everyone for replying to my thread, I appreciate your insights and for the most part agree with all of you. Believe me I didn't want to post in the first place but I've been out of state for the last couple of days caring for a sick relative and it's given me time to think. I don't want it to sound like I'm just complaining but I needed outside input.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Tman35 said:


> Thank you everyone for replying to my thread, I appreciate your insights and for the most part agree with all of you. Believe me I didn't want to post in the first place but I've been out of state for the last couple of days caring for a sick relative and it's given me time to think. I don't want it to sound like I'm just complaining but I needed outside input.


She likely cannot help how she feels. And the only hope there is if it is mental illness or med-related and you can get her back in for treatment. You can be sensitive to her by telling her up front you understand she's had problems in the past or whatever the situation is but that she has to realize a marriage without sex is not okay with you. If she was years old and in menopause and you've been married for decades I would not be telling you the same thing because things do happen as you get older.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tman35 said:


> For the record are kids are from separate relationships, we don't have any together. But yes I agree and I would almost guarantee the feelings are one-sided. We're friends on a professional level I'm just lonely.


This is one of the reasons why I think it's wise to get someone of the same sex as a masseur/therapist.

You need to make it clear to your wife how deeply unhappy you are and that the marriage is at risk.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tman35 said:


> We have been married going on 2yrs, been together for almost 6yrs. I love my wife but we are in a sexless marriage. We will have sex once every 3-4 months but as long as 6. She just isn't interested in sex anymore and it kills me because I'm a polar opposite person. And when we do have sex it's awkward to the point I can't get aroused by her. I'm 34 so no I don't have "that problem". We both have kids from prior relationships so we are a busy house. I don't know what to do I'm starting to resent her and it seems like I'm always irritated. But it's gotten to the point I've just given up and I've started to develop feelings for a good friend of mine, no i havent talked to my friend about my feelings for her. No I haven't cheated and up to this point never thought I would. But we seem more like roommates than husband and wife. I've tried talking to her about it and she knows how I feel and she feels bad, claims she's trying but that's it. She truly loves and cares about me but could care less about sex. Plus it doesn't help one of her friends despises having sex with her husband (no particular reason, just hates sex.) I just don't know what to do but I can't waste my life not having sex with my partner.


Tell your wife you don't need to be married and live together to be friends and that is how you act. Just good friends. See what she does.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

No one wants to put a gun to a partners head to get laid....Even if it worked, it would likely be contrived and phony, and quite frankly, that would be worse than nothing as far as I am concerned...,,So if you want to beg, go to counseling, coerce, threaten, whatever, be my guest, but think about what you may hope to accomplish....If she wanted you, then you wouldn't be asking these questions on here..

You have 3 options..

-Stay and deal with it in whatever way you can, jerk yourself off, like a lot of guys do, and hope one day she gets hit on the head and does a 180....unlikely...

-Stay and find what you need out on the street...Get a woman on the side, go seek a prostitute, etc...I don't need to remind you of the potential pitfalls here, so I won't nor would I recommend, but hey, I have known several guys over the years that did this....for many years...Ask them and they will probably tell you that it wasn't ideal, but at least it was better than the alternative..

-Leave and ditch it all...Start over...

The last option is probably best suited for you...You don't share kids with her, you haven't been married long enough to have any real legacy, and the financial ramifications would be a loss less daunting than it could be...Yeah it kinda sucks, but at least it wont be too messy....These things rarely if ever get any better, most get worse, and if you value sex in your life, then you need to take action...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tman35 said:


> Thank you everyone for replying to my thread, I appreciate your insights and for the most part agree with all of you. Believe me I didn't want to post in the first place but I've been out of state for the last couple of days caring for a sick relative and it's given me time to think. I don't want it to sound like I'm just complaining but I needed outside input.


I just have to ask, You each have kids from previous marriages. You have been married two years. 

When the two of you were dating, did you ever talk about what you learned from your last marriage? Did you both discuss the mistakes you make in your last marriage? Did the two of you set any behavioral boundaries or dreams of your future together?

To prevent further revolving door of marriage failure, may I suggest you figure out what you should have done differently in this marriage. I understand that you feel it is her lack of libido that is the problem, but I think that is only part of the story. Actually, you may want to do some serious introspection on this marriage and the previous marriage, with a focus on who you could have established expectations before your relationship gets too serious.

You also from your posts need to learn how to discuss difficult topics that are important to you.

The good news is that your marriage is only 2 years old, so the amount of therapy to find out if this can be fixed should only be just a few months. My advice is to find out what is the problem, so you don't end up repeating it. Learn how to have those difficult discussions about sex with a woman. You may or may not be able to fix things, but trying should at least educate yourself for your next relationship, whether it is with a new woman or with your current wife.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How long has the good friend been around? Longer than the marriage? When did you meet the friend? Are we talking years?

What medication was she on? Anti-depressants?

You mention you can’t get aroused by her.

A few things, if the friend has been around a long time, did your wife ever express concern that she felt you, or your friend would catch feelings?? This can be a huge sexual turn off. If you’re emotionally involved with another woman, and it’s heading to feelings territory, it can be a huge turn off to feel second best. Huge.

It’s very undesirable to a woman, to not feel desired. Believe me when I say she can sense the awkwardness and may have long ago gone into protection mode. You would be very unattractive in bed if you’re fawning over a friend, and being all different towards your friend, and giving her scraps. No gal wants to sleep next to that, let alone be with a man who’s dreaming about someone else. Especially if your friend is a step down in looks, intelligence and class from your wife.

She wants a guy who is hot for her, not feeling weird in the sack.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ask for an open marriage.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Married 2 years. No kids together. Marital missionary 3 times/year.

Get out and find yourself a woman willing to rock your world.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can still be at a totally active father by getting 50/50 custody. And then your children could grow up in a more normal household, because your resentment is just going to build and build and that's not going to be happy for the children.
> 
> It sounds like she knows she has issues but refuses to deal with them and has tried to deal with them in the past and failed. If you think it's a matter of mental illness or past trauma, maybe you just tell her you both need to go to marriage counseling together just to get her back in to see a doctor. Nothing's going to change if you don't make her realize it has to. But I agree with you that you don't want to coerce her into anything but I don't see anything wrong with doing everything you can to get her back in to see a psychologist of some sort or whatever doctor she needs to resolve her problem with medications and whatever brought her to medications.


They have NO joint kids together, why on Earth would he try to get custody of HER KIDS???


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> I just have to ask, You each have kids from previous marriages. You have been married two years.
> 
> When the two of you were dating, did you ever talk about what you learned from your last marriage? Did you both discuss the mistakes you make in your last marriage? Did the two of you set any behavioral boundaries or dreams of your future together?
> 
> ...


I'll never say I'm a perfect person and I've made mistakes. As for my previous marriage she turned to drugs after she broke her foot. She abused her prescription pain pills and when she would run out she stole from other people. Turned to Pot despite my objections and highly suspected herion. Would lock the kids in their rooms until I got home from work (Fire Dept). I have full custody of my 2 kids. That and she would sleep with other people to get drugs. All of which she did while i was at work. As for my friend yes I've known her before we got married I've know her for a long time. As friends nothing more on a professional level. My wife was on an anti depressant to help curb her anger out bursts. But like i said we had more sex even when she was on it, she's been off any medication for over a year. We've talked about marriage counseling and counseling for herself but she's all talk then has excuses for not making an appointment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some humans are a-sexual. They simply, have no interest. Could she be on the spectrum?

Her former husband likely saw this behavior of hers and became abusive (instead of leaving).

ETA:
Is your wife still on any anti-anxiety medications?

If not, her underlying depression remains. This then, is the root cause, IMO.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Some humans are a-sexual. They simply, have no interest. Could she be on the spectrum?
> 
> Her former husband likely saw this behavior of hers and became abusive (instead of leaving).
> 
> ...


No she doesn't take any medications, she didn't like the side affects. And yes she had anxiety and depression. Her ex was abusive towards her and her daughter physically but that was almost 9yrs ago. This I understand and I'm trying to be understanding but for how long? It feels like pity sex and every time I just feel guilty. Plus no spice, it's get on and get done. I want her to get help but she just won't take the first step unless I drag her by her hair (figuratively).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> They have NO joint kids together, why on Earth would he try to get custody of HER KIDS???


He said quote, "we've got kids so up and leaving isn't really in the cards."

If they both felt that was holding them together when they didn't want to be, they could work out visitation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He said quote, "we've got kids so up and leaving isn't really in the cards."
> 
> If they both felt that was holding them together when they didn't want to be, they could work out visitation.


Well no, probably not, if their other biological parents are in existence and also sharing visitation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

His ex was a drug addict. Sounds like his kids need a mother. Steps do sometimes get visitation. The parent can grant them that or they can petition the court for it.

Of course, by "we've got kids, so up and leaving isn't really in the cards," he could just mean he just wants to keep his babysitter -- or not.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Have you directly told your wife that the lack of physical intimacy is making you re-think being married to her?


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> His ex was a drug addict. Sounds like his kids need a mother. Steps do sometimes get visitation. The parent can grant them that or they can petition the court for it.
> 
> Of course, by "we've got kids, so up and leaving isn't really in the cards," he could just mean he just wants to keep his babysitter -- or not.


Our kids do not see their other parents it's just us. Trying to have some sense of normalcy for them. But yes also I work 24hr shifts so childcare is kind of an issue at least at first. And no I do t have any family in town to help. So that's my conundrum.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tman35 said:


> Our kids do not see their other parents it's just us. Trying to have some sense of normalcy for them. But yes also I work 24hr shifts so childcare is kind of an issue at least at first. And no I do t have any family in town to help. So that's my conundrum.


So basically you are staying for childcare.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> So basically you are staying for childcare.


60/40, and stability for the kids. If that makes me more concerned for my kids or just being selfish I don't know.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds like you're both benefiting kind of equally from being together for the kids. Starting to think about it maybe should have stayed together his roommates but not married people..

To me it just sounds like you either need to make your mind up to stay and not be resentful so you don't make yourself and everyone else miserable, or you need to get out of the marriage. You both basically need each other for child care and I'm guessing financial support. But that alone does not make a marriage. Maybe you would be better off paying for child care and then dating as a single man. But for sure if you have not already, you need to make sure she understands that you are not going to be content with masturbation alone and ask what remedy she sees for that. Maybe you can get her to talk about whether you should have gotten married or just stayed roommates and work out some solution.

The problem down the road if you would stay together as roommates would be that no woman is going to get serious about you while you're living with another woman and your children.

Now that you are supporting each other, maybe it'll be possible for you to both try to earn a little extra money to start getting to where you can afford child care. Well maybe you can both work at getting a job working from home so you can both go your own way and take care of your children without always having to have child care.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sounds like you're both benefiting kind of equally from being together for the kids. Starting to think about it maybe should have stayed together his roommates but not married people.. to me it just sounds like you either need to make your mind up to stay and not be resentful so you don't make yourself and everyone else miserable, or you need to get out of the marriage. You both basically need each other for child care and I'm guessing financial support. But that alone does not make a marriage. Maybe you would be better off paying for child care and then dating as a single man. But for sure if you have not already, you need to make sure she understands that you are not going to be content with masturbation alone and ask what remedy she sees for that. Maybe you can get her to talk about whether you should have gotten married or just stayed roommates and work out some solution.


Ya I hear ya, it's not an easy decision for me to make. And I appreciate your thoughts. I go home tomorrow and we'll see where it goes. I'm going to push for counseling so she can have some else explain all this to her so it's just not all coming from me (complaining) but from a professional.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Tman35 said:


> I'll never say I'm a perfect person and I've made mistakes. As for my previous marriage she turned to drugs after she broke her foot. She abused her prescription pain pills and when she would run out she stole from other people. Turned to Pot despite my objections and highly suspected herion. Would lock the kids in their rooms until I got home from work (Fire Dept). I have full custody of my 2 kids. That and she would sleep with other people to get drugs. All of which she did while i was at work.
> 
> .... As for my friend yes I've known her before we got married I've know her for a long time. As friends nothing more on a professional level. My wife was on an anti depressant to help curb her anger out bursts. But like i said we had more sex even when she was on it, she's been off any medication for over a year. We've talked about marriage counseling and counseling for herself but she's all talk then has excuses for not making an appointment.


First of all I am not saying you should not have divorced your first wife. Instead I am asking, have you reviewed what if anything you could have done differently in your first marriage to have brought about a better result? From what you have said, it was very horrible. Did you try an involuntary commitment to a drug rehabilitation center? Did your learn that for some extreme problems you need to react very quickly and employ a tough love as opposed to a loving and enabling approach?

In your current marriage, it sounds like there was a medical prescription problem, which is a lot different than what happened with your first wife. Your current marriage also sounds a lot less dysfunctional. 

However, in both cases they don't want to see counseling to help themselves. 

Perhaps you can focus on why your current wife has delayed any form of counseling. You're not her parent or legal guardian and so can't make medical appointments on her behalf. However, is there something you can do to help her on setting a boundary on her getting counseling help with or without you?

Again, I am not saying you caused these problems, which you clearly didn't. I am saying are there some lessons learned that you need to learn how to apply in your current marriage or any future marriages.

Best of luck to you. Good luck to the children in your blended family.


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> Everyone likes sex so is it possible she is getting her sexual needs met by masturbation or another man?
> 
> Are you being a leader and the man she was originally attracted to or have you become unattractive?
> 
> Read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man's Sex Life Primer.


"Everyone likes sex..." No, they don't. His wife may be asexual.
"Are you being a leader..." What?? 
I look forward to reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy" to see if there's more of this type of "information".


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Outside of the proclaimed abuse was the ex husband the hot cocky dominant type and is he the one that left her ?


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

Tman35 said:


> No she doesn't take any medications, she didn't like the side affects. And yes she had anxiety and depression. Her ex was abusive towards her and her daughter physically but that was almost 9yrs ago. This I understand and I'm trying to be understanding but for how long? It feels like pity sex and every time I just feel guilty. Plus no spice, it's get on and get done. I want her to get help but she just won't take the first step unless I drag her by her hair (figuratively).


Have you ever been depressed? No ambition. Well maybe she needs some help making that appointment and getting to it.


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## Tman35 (11 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Outside of the proclaimed abuse was the ex husband the hot cocky dominant type and is he the one that left her ?


Yes he was a "hot cocktail dominat" I suppose, in addition to severe alcoholic and very physically abuse to both her and their new born child. She fled out of fear and had a custody battle.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Schek said:


> "Everyone likes sex..." No, they don't. His wife may be asexual.
> "Are you being a leader..." What??
> I look forward to reading 'No More Mr Nice Guy" to see if there's more of this type of "information".


You don’t have to be asexual to not like sex. It can be a learned or conditioned thing.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Tman35 said:


> Yes he was a "hot cocktail dominat" I suppose, in addition to severe alcoholic and very physically abuse to both her and their new born child. She fled out of fear and had a custody battle.


How would you describe yourself? What are your hobbies? What kind of work do you do ? 
What were your past experiences with women like ?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Tman35 said:


> We have been married going on 2yrs, been together for almost 6yrs. I love my wife but we are in a sexless marriage. We will have sex once every 3-4 months but as long as 6. She just isn't interested in sex anymore and it kills me because I'm a polar opposite person. And when we do have sex it's awkward to the point I can't get aroused by her. I'm 34 so no I don't have "that problem". We both have kids from prior relationships so we are a busy house. I don't know what to do I'm starting to resent her and it seems like I'm always irritated. But it's gotten to the point I've just given up and I've started to develop feelings for a good friend of mine, no i havent talked to my friend about my feelings for her. No I haven't cheated and up to this point never thought I would. But we seem more like roommates than husband and wife. I've tried talking to her about it and she knows how I feel and she feels bad, claims she's trying but that's it. She truly loves and cares about me but could care less about sex. Plus it doesn't help one of her friends despises having sex with her husband (no particular reason, just hates sex.) I just don't know what to do but I can't waste my life not having sex with my partner.


Likely you were catfished.

Your experience is not uncommon. Sex was used to lure you into commitment and keep you there. Once you married her there was no longer any need for her to keep you satisfied.

_claims she's trying but that's it. _So she isn't doing anything at all.

_we seem more like roommates than husband and wife. _What is most often the case is that she isn't attracted to you and probably never has been. She chased after whatever stability you could provide. Once she got what she wanted it no longer mattered what you wanted.

You are no longer aroused by her and intimacy is awkward. You are at the point that you have given up and are seeking alternatives. Speak to a lawyer, make your preparations and get the ball rolling. 

Consider moving out. When sex is used as a control mechanism and it is no longer effective, the _controller_ may become aggressive and combative. False allegations of abuse and violence may be made to turn the tables on you.


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