# Am I just looking for fractures??



## Partymama79 (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi there. Sharon. White female, 41. I've been married 3 years/together six to my husband John. This is my second marriage (married 8 years/together 15) and I have a daughter from my previous marriage (8 years old). We have together a 2.5 year old son. I suffer from bouts of anxiety/depression/low self esteem pretty frequently. 

When I 1st got together with John, I wanted nothing to do with marriage. Especially to him. His views on relationships and boundaries within relationships was not congruent with my own and often it seems like he lacks a moral compass. His past and (at the time) current definitions were not anywhere remotely close to what I thought was ok. But at the time, he was only supposed to be a booty call and I didn't give it much consideration. As time went on, he was inistent on marriage, as I was "his one", etc. As much as I loved him and was "in love" with him, I felt very much damaged from my previous marriage and kept ignoring those internal warnings that kept screaming that we were just too different. 

Here we are current day. We have our good days, we have our bad. Typical ebb and flow within relationships. There's been more than one test of my trust and belief in "us". I keep excusing it away, or maybe I just haven't recovered from the beatdown my esteem took from the last husband. My biggest issue as of late is the friendships my husband seeks out. Since he's a big gamer (which is one of our many obvious differences), he seems to hang out with a crowd of geeks/nerds/cosplay people that happen to be swingers. Some he's been friends with before I came into his life, some just sort of acquired through the friends he had. In any case, the majority outweighs the minority. I'm not comfortable around these people and my husband keeps pushing for me to get to know then, hang out with them more. On top of having NO desire to spend entire weekends gaming (I did mention I have small kids to care for), I would rather not spend my time hanging out with morally questionable individuals. They don't have the same beliefs or interests I do (religious, political, social) and they seem to talk down the things that I do love and appreciate (my faith, involvement in my childrens lives which coincidentally 90% of them do not have, political views, etc.). Lately he's been spending more time with this crowd than usual and then giving me the business about how I don't make myself available or open to "make new friends, etc.". I'm finding myself starting to grow very resentful of him. He helps financially at home but in terms of physical effort, there is none. I feel like he's trying to manipulate me into accepting this crowd, so that maybe I'll be more open to involving their lifestyle into ours. He's expressed a desire from the beginning to dip his toes in the swinger's pool, but I won't hear of it. He keeps trying to assure me that it is not his intention, but I also know he knows (or at least he think he knows) how to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I feel like he has no idea who I truly am at heart (a gardener, love the beach/outdoors, spending time with my kids, the library, etc.) and is just trying to mold me into being what he wants me to be, for his own selfish agenda...

I feel like I really don't know the man that I love..


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It sounds like you do know him. You realize that he is trying to pull you towards things he is interested in (even if they are not morally you). He gets enjoyment out of these friendships and activities and wants to share it with you hoping you will get the same enjoyment out of their activities. Nothing to resent except maybe his approach to try to get you on board.

I would sit him down and tell him that you are not interested and you understand he wants you to experience and enjoy these friendships and activities with these friends too but it is not what you are wanting to do right now but you will let him know if that changes.

I would suggest that you both write a list of things you would like to go out and do. His list might include some gaming stuff and yours will have your interest on it and then take turns doing something on each list but the activity should be agreed upon so that no one is forced doing something that they can not bring them self to even try. You might find that you like some of the activities he likes and he might like some of yours and then there would be times where one of you says, "Nope that is not for me. Won't be doing that again." The hope is that you find things that you both like doing together and then there is also the idea of being adventurous and trying something new and time spent exploring each others ideas of fun and getting time together. So go hire a baby sitter!

As for the swinging thing. I would hold my ground and not feel bad that it is a desire of H's. He should respect that you are not willing and not wanting and leave it alone. 

fir your self esteem, you really should start taking care of your self. If you learn something new, work out, build friendships with like minded people, hobbies. just focus on you. Try IC to help with that too. A little self work and self focus can go a long way to building back your self esteem.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It sounds like you know him (as the previous poster said), and you've known him all along. Why did you ignore the big red warning flags that you heard before you got married? As in, you talk about how HE wanted to get married because you were the one, but why did YOU want to get married?

C


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## Partymama79 (Mar 19, 2013)

I don't know...I made the same mistake in my 1st marriage. Knew he was totally wrong for me. Knew he was not right for me, that there was serious disconnects. With John, I knew that he loved me. He would give me the shirt off his back. He was fun and the excitement of being with him initially made me think that things would work between us. He made me feel loved. When he tells me he loves me more than anyone he has ever loved, I know he's telling me the truth. His friends have brainwashed him into believing that love and sex are separate issues within marriage, and for me, that will never be the case. 

The reasons I personally wanted to be married was because I wanted another baby and he wasn't going to allow that without the sanctity of marriage. Plus, he was wearing me down. He wanted a family and wanted the whole wedding experience and well, I wanted him.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,I don't know really what advice your looking for.
You went into another marriage knowing full well,
what you where doing.

Did you think you could change him after marrying him?
So you married him so you could have another baby?
You knew about these things about him before you married
and still married him.

Only advice I can give you is,maybe you both can talk
and both meet half way on things you like and things he likes.

Keep an open mind on some things.He is trying to include
you and not hide anything.Set boundaries that you can live
with.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So now the question is, how do you fix it when you're married to the wrong person. The answer is: you don't. You recognize how you messed up the last time (x2) and don't do it again. You go to counselling to figure out why you do the wrong thing multiple times, expecting it to be better this time. But trying to change who someone is? Good luck with that...

C


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