# Problem with gay friends?



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Tell me if I'm wrong here. My W has a major problem with me having a gay male friend. It's not religious thing. She isn't religious at all, plus she has gay male and female friends. 

I've known this guy for 20+ years. When we first became friends (late teens), he was "undecided" and forcing himself to date women. We lost contact for nearly 20 years, and then started talking again about a year ago. He lives 1000+ miles away. Since catching up again, we've spoken by phone 4-5 times. We'll email on a topic for a few days, and then nothing for weeks. Mostly dumb guy shyte...politics, movies, etc. He's intelligent and opinionated, and I enjoy our email exhanges. But...that's it. I'm 100% hetero, and have never given my W any reason to think otherwise. My friend is quite clear that I'm hetero, and he has NEVER attempted to cross any lines...period. The rest of my friends are hetero.

Please don't bash gays here. That's not my question. Question is, would you have a problem with this, and would you expect and demand that your H should end a friendship like this?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I trust my DH so I doubt I'd have a problem with this unless the friendship was taking up a lot of his attention and time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi, Thunder. 



thunderstruck said:


> Question is, would you have a problem with this, and would you expect and demand that your H should end a friendship like this?


No and no. 

Sounds like your wife may be a homophobe or feels threatened by your friendship.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so long as you are sure that he's not interested in you then I'm not understanding why your wife is upset. that is unless your wife thinks you're gay. have you ever had any gay encounters? anything ever go down with this guy?

what has she said when she expresses her displeasure? is she jealous? You spend time talking with this guy maybe she doesn't feel like you give her enough attention. 

do you have other male friends? Does she treat them the same way? I mean if this is your only buddy then it's possible she's just jealous and that your marriage could stand a little more attention. and if that's the case definitely give your marriage attention if you care about it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Two possibilities: (1) your wife is just a bit closed-minded about such things, (2) there's some "vibe" that your friend and/or you give off that makes her think there's something more than friendship.

One of my best friends growing up turned out to be gay. Even as a kid I noticed there was *something* different about him, but it didn't really bother me. I've stayed in his house with my wife before. I was just at a barbecue hosted by a gay guy the other night -- more of a friend of friend really, but my straight friend was his roommate for a few years. Gay men aren't sexually interested in every man they know.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

clip - he has never acted like he was interested in being more than friends. I don't know what's going in his head, but I have been crystal clear with him from day one that I'm all hetero. My W has started saying that I must be gay to be friends with a gay guy. I don't know if she actually believes that, or is just using it in an attempt to shame me into killing the relationship. 

No, I've never had a gay encounter, and have zero interest in that.

Yes, I have other (all hetero) male friends, and she is jealous of them, as well as my family.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

John Lee said:


> (2) there's some "vibe" that your friend and/or you give off that makes her think there's something more than friendship.


She's never met the guy. We were friends/coworkers, and then lost contact before I met my W.

So...no vibe.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Do you spend a lot of time with your friends and family generally? It's possible she's overly jealous. It's possible also that you're spending too much time outside the relationship and/or not enough with her.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Do you spend a lot of time with your friends and family generally? It's possible she's overly jealous. It's possible also that you're spending too much time outside the relationship and/or not enough with her.


I don't think so. I'm hundreds of miles away from family, and most of my friends. Just phone calls to family now and then on the weekends. If I'm emailing/texting friends, it's usually during work hours.

Thing is, she doesn't have a whole lot of interest in spending time with me, but then she's overly jealous of my time.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> clip - My W has started saying that I must be gay to be friends with a gay guy. I don't know if she actually believes that, or is just using it in an attempt to shame me into killing the relationship.


 Wait a minuet. You stated that she has gay male and female friend too so maybe you should ask her the same thing. Is she gay because she has gay female friends? 

Better yet what you should do is tell her to grow up and act like an adult because she not doing a good job of it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> I don't think so. I'm hundreds of miles away from family, and most of my friends. Just phone calls to family now and then on the weekends. If I'm emailing/texting friends, it's usually during work hours.
> 
> Thing is, she doesn't have a whole lot of interest in spending time with me, but then she's overly jealous of my time.


Well then it sounds like there are deeper issues between you two and the gay friend is just the surface. Have you been married long? Has this been a problem for long?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> Yes, I have other (all hetero) male friends, and she is jealous of them, as well as my family.


She's a controlling, insecure, and inattentive _____. You fill in the blank. Set limits, and do what you want as you are doing nothing wrong. If she objects, let her leave!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Question is, would you have a problem with this, and would you expect and demand that your H should end a friendship like this?


No, I wouldn't have a problem with it. And no, I wouldn't demand he end a friendship.

Since she has gay friends, this isn't homophobia. Unless she secretly despises her gay friends? I doubt she thinks you're going to suddenly become gay now, either.

She's mad about something else going on between you, and is using this as an issue to get under your skin. Passive-aggressive.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

6301 - good suggestions, but logic doesn't work with this one.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

hold your ground do not put up with disrespect. 

are you hundreds of miles away from family and friends because of your choice because of her choice? 

your wife doesn't sound like a very nice person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> I don't think so. I'm hundreds of miles away from family, and most of my friends. Just phone calls to family now and then on the weekends. If I'm emailing/texting friends, it's usually during work hours.
> 
> *Thing is, she doesn't have a whole lot of interest in spending time with me, but then she's overly jealous of my time*.


If this is the case, does she object to other people you spend time with? How about others that you have social media contact with?.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> are you hundreds of miles away from family and friends because of your choice because of her choice?


My choice. Moved for my job. She's a SAHM. Married for 20 years.



EleGirl said:


> If this is the case, does she object to other people you spend time with? How about others that you have social media contact with?.


Yes, basically everyone I spend time with, and/or contact. I'm not exaggerating.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

maybe it's time that she got it she doesn't have so much time to pick on you. how old are the kids?

I'm extremely serious. Do not put off with disrespect. 

but she be little you in other ways? 

is stay at home mom is a good short term and bad in the longer term. it leaves women too much time to get into mischief once kids no longer need as much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you know, we ARE the products of our parents and how we were brought up. If she sat thru years of religious lectures of how gays were going to burn in hell...she would conclude one of two things:
1) gays really ARE going to burn in hell, so stay away
2) the idiot preaching to me is not a holy man, but instead influenced by satan, and I am fully allowed to ignore his spurious advice.

Maybe she took path 1)

Gonna be hard to change that. Just make sure any kids you have learn better


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

murphy - she's an atheist. This has zero to do with religion. She has a childhood friend who is a l*sbian, and she has a few male gay friends. With that said, she makes fun of all of them, and generally seems to look down on gays.

clip - kids are 10 and 12. Agree that she SHOULD return to work. That's a whole other thread, which I've probably posted at some point in the past.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

so she really isn't a very nice person. tell her to cut the crap or you're going to tell all of her friends what a two faced person she really is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Thanks for all the input. I was pretty sure I had a good read on this, but just wanted to hear some opinions.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm curious. Why did you post this? you already know the answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> I'm curious. Why did you post this? you already know the answer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See my post above, but...I wanted to hear from the wives on this. I'm the first to admit that sometimes you can't see your sitch clearly when you're in the middle of it. Wanted to make sure that this wasn't one of those times.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> See my post above, but...I wanted to hear from the wives on this. I'm the first to admit that sometimes you can't see your sitch clearly when you're in the middle of it. Wanted to make sure that this wasn't one of those times.


You talk about your wife like she is your opponent in a debate instead of your wife. That's not a good situation. 

There is clearly some emotional issue underlying all this, which is why, as you somewhat demeaningly put it, "logic doesn't work with this one." I think a man who refers to his wife as "this one" feels a lot of hostility or resentment to his wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Yes, basically everyone I spend time with, and/or contact. I'm not exaggerating.


If she complains about all your friends I don't get why you are making such a big deal about her complaining about this one friend. It's the norm right?

Your OP makes it sound like she has singled him out because he's gay. Apparently that's not the case.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

John Lee said:


> I think a man who refers to his wife as "this one" feels a lot of hostility or resentment to his wife.


Without a doubt.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If she complains about all your friends I don't get why you are making such a big deal about her complaining about this one friend. It's the norm right?
> 
> Your OP makes it sound like she has singled him out because he's gay. Apparently that's not the case.


Because she goes above and beyond with this friend, including accusations that I must be gay and that I'm cheating with him. With the other friends and my family, I hear complaints, but nothing like this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> Without a doubt.


So what are you going to do about it? You can keep coming here and posting threads about how unreasonable your wife is and we can keep telling you you're right, and what does that do for you? You feel vindicated? You're still married to her. Wouldn't you rather either figure out how to stop being enemies, whether that means working with her to improve things or leaving?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I would say she has an awful lot of hostility and resentment to you from the sound of things. Do you want your marriage to be a cold war?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Because she goes above and beyond with this friend, including accusations that I must be gay and that I'm cheating with him. With the other friends and my family, I hear complaints, but nothing like this.


My take on it is that she will use any amo she can get on anyone one of your friends to get you to end the friendship and the time you spend with a person. 

She is able to manufacture a lot of nonsense related to his guy. Accusing you of having some gayness is even stronger ammo. 

Do you defend him and your relationship with him? if so she (in her mind) has to fight harder. 


.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Ele - I think your take is dead on.

I don't think I actually "defend" the relationship, b/c I see nothing to defend. When she starts up with this, I'll just repeat some of the basic facts. But, yes, as you say, she attempts to fight harder on anything I say about it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

On that issue, better not to fan the flames. "He's my friend, he's staying my friend, and I'm not gay, end of story. There's nothing to talk about."


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't respond to her. She knows the dance.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Because she goes above and beyond with this friend, including accusations that I must be gay and that I'm cheating with him. With the other friends and my family, I hear complaints, but nothing like this.


This is ridiculous and it's also pretty low on her end. How would she feel if you turned it around on her and accuse her of being a lesbian because she has a lesbian friend?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

As to the original question, no. I would have zero problems with my spouse having a gay friend and I wouldn‘t make me worry he was Gay. Just a non-bigot. Unfortunately my spouse is a bit homophobic and I think it is disappointing. 

I agree with the majority here in regards to your wife‘s behaviour towards you about this.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I would not have a problem with it, I know my husband is not gay. I would only have a problem if the friend was a priority over me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I have a similar friend. In fact, he was my best friend during my late teens/early 20's. For the first few years, I had no idea that the guy was gay. Hell, he dated more women that I did. Anyway, once he came out, there were a lot of things about his past behavior that suddenly just made sense.

My wife can't stand the guy. It has nothing to do w/ him being gay and everything to do w/ the fact that he can be annoying as f*ck. He can be pretentious, demonstrative, overly emotive, and waaaaay too ready to dispense w/ the details of his sex life at the drop of a hat. Well... that, and she's convinced that he used to have a crush on me. If so, I never picked up on it.

In any case, he's always been a very loyal friend, and that makes him a friend worth keeping.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Interesting.

Your wife could be any one of the 3:

1) afraid you'll get "curious"
2) a homophobe
3) feels she is competing with your friend


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

with the litany of complaints against his wife this almost seems like a passive aggressive reason to gripe. He knew the answer to the question. she's a two faced nasty woman and he experiences it in a variety of ways in his marriage. 

real question is whats the big picture ? what's the desired outcome? where's the I'm not going to take the disrespect anymore you scary *****? where's the pointing out that she's two faced and she doesn't want all of her friends to find out who she really is, to get to know her the way he knows her that she might as well just learn to shut her mouth. 

where's the turning her over on his knee and straighten her out? She's acting like a brat and she's being allowed to get away with it. 

she still needs to grow up. we usually read about the woman raising the man in a marriage but sometimes it needs to go the other way as well. 

if we accept that the premise that marriage is not to make us happy but to make us better people then a huge opportunity to become a better person is being missed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> real question is whats the big picture ? what's the desired outcome?


Divorce, when I decide it's best for me and my kids.

With that said, I was still interested in input from the ladies on this subject.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

why? It doesn't really seem like a difficult question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think that people in relationships should be free to have friends of any gender and orientation. If you can't trust your partner with another man / woman in a non-intimate setting, why on earth are you married to them?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

intheory said:


> I think you should change the title of the thread to:
> 
> "Problem with friends?"


I agree. The issue is not about a gay friend. OP say that this wife complains about all his friends.


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