# How to handle hurtful comments from husband.



## pinkflowers (Oct 23, 2014)

My husband and I argue over stupid, little things ALOT. He becomes very irritable with me and has no patience if I say something sassy or call him out on something. After talking with him briefly this AM he stated that he doesn't feel "I should be rewarded" if my behavior doesn't warrant it. ??????? 

What does this mean? I'm being punished for saying something wrong?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He's giving you the silent grate meant to punish you. It's probably the way his family treated each other too.

However, it's always best to go to the source for clarification.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what is he, your Dad?

This is not an acceptable dynamic nor good way of communication

it needs to be changed


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you give us some examples of the circumstances and what you say when "I say something sassy or call him out on something."


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## pinkflowers (Oct 23, 2014)

Example - My mother in law got married this morning to her BF of 18 years as he was diagnosed with cancer on Monday with 1 week to 6 months life expectancy. My husbands sisters BF is an old fling of my husbands. Last night I said..."I bet your old fling will be at hospital for wedding". That comment infuriated my husband and I paid for it he rest of the evening.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Again, more specifics. How much cash did it take? Did you write a Check? Or were you speaking euphemistically and if so, what do you mean? Did he ignore you? Did he insult you? Did he refuse to stand next to you?

Sheeshe!


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Sounds like he doesn't appreciate sarcasm and "playful" jibes. Neither do I, and if my wife started in on me with those I would probably withdraw some and get a little surly as well.

(although that comment in particular wouldn't have bothered me, different people have different triggers).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Again, more specifics. How much cash did it take? Did you write a Check? Or were you speaking euphemistically and if so, what do you mean? Did he ignore you? Did he insult you? Did he refuse to stand next to you?
> 
> Sheeshe!


Huh?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinkflowers (Oct 23, 2014)

What???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Again, more specifics. How much cash did it take? Did you write a Check? Or were you speaking euphemistically and if so, what do you mean? Did he ignore you? Did he insult you? Did he refuse to stand next to you?
> 
> Sheeshe!


Did you post this on the wrong thread?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

pinkflowers said:


> Example - My mother in law got married this morning to her BF of 18 years as he was diagnosed with cancer on Monday with 1 week to 6 months life expectancy. My husbands sisters BF is an old fling of my husbands. Last night I said..."I bet your old fling will be at hospital for wedding". That comment infuriated my husband and I paid for it he rest of the evening.


I'm confused. "Sister's BF" is that BEST FRIEND or BOY FRIEND?

Is your husband sensitive about his ex fling? Have you to fought about the ex fling in the past?


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Did you post this on the wrong thread?


Anon Pink was making a joke. pinkflowers said she "paid for it" the rest of the evening, Anon Pink was sarcastically asking how she paid for it, after which tried to elicit further information from pinkflowers regarding how exactly her husband made her pay for it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

The answer is: BOTH of you stop fighting over little ****.

This is BOTH of your faults.

When you fight over silly things, and things escalate, things get out of control quickly and little fight become big ones.

Take a step back and really think about the big picture and EXACTLY what you are fighting about.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> what is he, your Dad?
> 
> This is not an acceptable dynamic nor good way of communication
> 
> it needs to be changed


That is one crazy conclusion to come to....based on so little info OP provided.

"one shouldn't be rewarded if their behavior is not warranted" statement is true. I agree with it.

But in what context was it presented in? 

That makes a WORLD of difference and can sway ones opinion EITHER way.


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## Atomic girl (Oct 30, 2014)

I thought the comment was a bit mean spirited, you have to think about what the true intent of the comment was, I think anyone with a degree of sensitivity would find such a comment insensitive.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You deliberately jabbed at him to cause a reaction. Well, you got one. If you don't want to fight, then don't start one.

You took a very happy/sad occasion of a wedding and used it to gain one-upmanship against your husband. A pretty crappy thing to do. If that's the normal dynamic in your household, I can understand why there's so much fighting going on.

Please tell your husband that you"re sorry for saying something very cruel, heartless and distasteful. It won't make the situation go away but at least he'll know you understand what a jerk move you made.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

Wow….some of these comments are pretty harsh. Punishing someone by not speaking…. because you voiced your opinion…. is childish. 

I get it…..as my significant other makes hurtful comments to me…..yet if I speak out to defend myself…..he says "I love to fight." No, I don't……but I think when someone puts me down I have the right to defend myself.

After I do….he will say……."I can't take this…..this will put me back weeks……." That means he will have nothing to do with me for weeks. Punishment.

Words hurt.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You also have the right to walk away.

You don't have to put up with crappy behavior from others. But standing there, defending your right to be a jerk right back doesn't solve anything either.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Joey2k said:


> Anon Pink was making a joke. pinkflowers said she "paid for it" the rest of the evening, Anon Pink was sarcastically asking how she paid for it, after which tried to elicit further information from pinkflowers regarding how exactly her husband made her pay for it.


Yeah! Someone gets me!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

OP, that was a drama-inducing statement to make. Why do you think you felt the need to phrase it that way? 

I don't mean to assume your feelings but it sounds to me that you were uncomfortable with the idea of having your husband's ex girlfriend or fling attending the same event as you and he. 

She was sexual with him, is close to your SIL, possibly your MIL. Now you're going to have to spend the night seeing her where alcohol is possibly involved, people are dressed up and lots of mingling, maybe even dancing is going to happen. I think it would be normal to feel uncomfortable, jealous or even insecure in anticipation of that happening. 

I think most people don't want to be rubbing elbows with or breaking bread with our spouse's former loves ideally. Jealousy sets in, as does insecurity. Even when we trust our spouses not to act up or be unfaithful, I think many would still feel at least an inkling of insecurity, jealousy or resistance to those circumstances.

So if that's in any way how you felt, I assure you it was a legitimate way to feel. What was wrong was how you went about it. 

There was no need to jab, be sarcastic or snarky about it with your husband. If anything, you should just be honest if you are feeling uncomfortable, insecure, or jealous and unashamedly so. Be vulnerable and invite him to be there for you. To support you, to reassure you and empathize with your feelings. More importantly, let him know it's safe to do so. Surely jabs, "I'm sure your ex fling is gonna be there!" do not incite support and empathy...but rather that put him on the defensive. So instead of being the rock you needed him to be in that moment, it sounds like you passed him the bricks to put up his walls that you are now feeling hurt by. 

If that's the case, I am sure you can still fix this. The first step is to apologize for your harsh approach/tone to the subject (the statement about the ex fling). The next is to explain how you really felt and your apprehensions about the wedding... this followed by or coinciding with a bit of a trust exercise in being vulnerable enough to allow him to remind you who is really important to him (you vs her) and reassure you that attending the same event as her is a non-issue for him because that's in the past. 

It takes two to tango, make a baby and to fight. If I'm right about anything here, you need to take ownership for the way you approached him about this. It isn't what you felt (like I said, all of those feelings are valid) but how you said things that likely caused the fight and current standstill. Not to compare you to a dog but it's like a dog growling, snarling and bearing teeth when they're afraid. Though merely a fear reaction, I would think twice about extending my hand to pat him lest I get bit. You may have needed a gentle petting but like that dog, started out with a snarl. Perhaps hubby was afraid of extending his hand because of that?


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## redrock (Oct 11, 2011)

pinkflowers said:


> My husband and I argue over stupid, little things ALOT. He becomes very irritable with me and has no patience if I say something sassy or call him out on something. After talking with him briefly this AM he stated that he doesn't feel "I should be rewarded" if my behavior doesn't warrant it. ???????
> 
> What does this mean? I'm being punished for saying something wrong?


Hmmm....well, that _would_ be hard to know how to respond to. It definitely doesn't seem like statements like that would lead to good communication between the two of you. And, if this has been ongoing, it might be a good idea to see if he'd ever be willing to do any marital counseling with you. I think a therapist could definitely give you guys some tools for handling conflict and talking through your frustrations. Also, if he won't go with you, just seeing someone on your own may be helpful as well. So, just some things to think about. 

redrock
#girlluvs2garden#


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