# Is it fair to do cheat "Behind my Back"



## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well

i just need opinion from anyone here. i do not understand why so many spouses become a coward not telling his/her spouse if they feel something is missing on their relationship and they seek the missing part to other person without discuss or telling to their spouse for the missing part first. is this fair enough, or ungentle decision.

advice please


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Not sure I understand your ? bc most of the time the spouse who cheats has expressed him/herself and the cheated on spouse has ignored or denied the concern.

Could you be more specific?


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

ok here it is..

i mean the spouse who cheated without speak clearly or openly to their spouse if they feel somthng is missing in their relationship.

maybe they consider that they have their issue but they never speak heart to heart or openly prior to cheat.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

In my case, I didn't realize that something was missing until I found that excitement with someone else.
It wasn't a one night, "Hi, nice to meet you. You wanna roll in the hay?" deal. It was cultivated over a few months and I thought I was in love with her.
My wife said that she went through the same thing.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Sometimes people "tell" their spouse but the spouse doesn't "hear."


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Sometimes people "tell" their spouse but the spouse doesn't "hear."


And some don't tell. They are afraid of what they will hear (mine would always say "you know where the door is") or some just can't communicate effectively.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Absolutely, Chris. It is interesting to me though that sometimes if you happen to be tortured into listening to two people in a relationship complain about each other, they often have COMPLETELY different PoVs on what is going on. They claim to be communicating. Leaves you scratching your head wondering what they are SAYING to each other.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

What do you mean by cheating? Occasional sex with varied partners or a long term EA/PA? The former might be doable, the latter a marriage minefield even if done with w's full understanding and frequent reports.

I certainly understand missing parts of a marriage. What I haven't been able to figure out is how to live happily in half a marriage.

What do you plan on telling your w? You need to be fairly explicit, just saying "I'm not happy" won't do it.

Think about saying "You have not fulfilled your ____ (fill in the blank) of our marriage, we've discussed this many times and there have been no real changes, I am going to find a woman who will meet my needs".

This is then followed by one of you moving out and filing for divorce.

If you have multiple partners you need to avoid sex with your wife even if you are frequently tested for STDs.

If you are planning on EA/PA how do you plan to live after your eventual divorce?




lobokies said:


> well
> 
> i just need opinion from anyone here. i do not understand why so many spouses become a coward not telling his/her spouse if they feel something is missing on their relationship and they seek the missing part to other person without discuss or telling to their spouse for the missing part first. is this fair enough, or ungentle decision.
> 
> advice please


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

By definition, cheating is done behind the partner's back. If it's done in front of the partner, it's generally called a threesome or swapping or swinging or whatever. 

Do I think it's fair? Of course not. If you're not happy in the relationship, you talk to your partner and you try to work with them to change things. And if that doesn't work, then you end the relationship and only then do you get involved with others. 

Of course, there are times when you tell your partner you're not happy and they either don't listen or don't believe you. Even so, cheating still isn't right. If your partner won't listen or won't believe you, you either force them to do so or you admit defeat, and move on to divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mine told me time and time again (attention blah,blah,blah,attention,blah.blah,blah,no kissing blah, blah), I was as bold as to tell her to go get a boy toy for attention.
So I didn't listen, and I didn't believe she would actually sleep with so many guys for so many years.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well ... cheating or affair is absoulutely the same to drugs.
peaple enjoying in it even they know that it is not a health or good thing to be done.

i asked this to my wife, and she said up to now she hasn't known why she did that. and when i ask her, did you enjoy it, she felt down with tears.


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