# Have I done the wrong thing ?



## macca (Apr 14, 2011)

Hi all 
I have been married to the same woman for the last 20 years and until a few months back thought all was fine. Since late last year she started going out with some old school friends and started staying out for the whole night. At first I had no problems with this as there seemed no reason for concern well things changed she met a friends younger brother who is going thru a very rough patch in his own life and has tried to commit suicide at least twice. Then one day I come home from work and the wifes very worried about this friend hes said somthing on face book wich made her feel he was going to do somthing bad to himself. So I said if you feeel so strongly go and see him well she did all seemed good. Well as time has gone by she has become very distant from me and seems to get angry quite easaliy with me. She has started to drink way to much as well.
Then on the 2nd of Feb I came home from work and this bloke is at my house and the two of them were there and had been drinking for some timeat the time I didnt think anything of it. But as the weeks have passed I started to tjhink there was somthing going on I started to check her phone records and there was so many txt and msm messages to one particular number so I checked it out and it belonged to him did a bit more snooping and checked her mobile (cell ) phone and looked at some of the messages. Well it all got to much for me so I finally confronted her and asked her to make a decision either me or him well she wasnt prepared for that and denied anything was going on so I got her cell phone and asked her to show me some of the messages and she did but only ones that had nothing to show but she was shaking so bad whilst she did this .
So anyway she denied the whole thing and turned it back on me saying that I didnt trust her well I said if the tabels were turned how would she feel it just doesnt add up. Since I confronted her we have at least been talking a bit more but she is still txt messaging this bloke and hiding it from me and wiping all her history. Oh what to do from here ?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Demand open access to everything, email, phone, FB, etc. If she won't give it up, she's hiding something.
BTW, I would think it inappropriate for my wife to spend the night out, stay out with her friends brother, or have a male friend at our home without me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like they are having an affair. Get proof. (don't let her know you are getting proof--cause she will prob try hiding it better now that she knows you're onto her). Once you have the proof you can tell her, Hey the jig is up. And either it ends or you are gone. And mean it.

Hiding her phone, wiping the history, staying out all night, not cutting it off w/ him after you telling her the frienship makes you uncomfortable--all huge red flags.

Were you aware he was in your house? Or did she bring him over w/o your knowledge? Eek.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DanF said:


> BTW, I would think it inappropriate for my wife to spend the night out, stay out with her friends brother, or have a male friend at our home without me.


Absolutely.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

DanF said:


> Demand open access to everything, email, phone, FB, etc. If she won't give it up, she's hiding something.
> BTW, I would think it inappropriate for my wife to spend the night out, stay out with her friends brother, or have a male friend at our home without me.


:iagree:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

macca said:


> Then one day I come home from work and the wifes very worried about this friend hes said somthing on face book wich made her feel he was going to do somthing bad to himself. So I said if you feeel so strongly go and see him well she did all seemed good.


Translation: "Hey honey can I go over to a guys house by myself for as long as I like?"

This is all appallingly bad. She's clearly having an affair.

Keylogger her computer. I would put a nanny cam / spy cam in your house. Check the phone and bank records.

Prepare for the worst.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

DanF said:


> Demand open access to everything, email, phone, FB, etc. If she won't give it up, she's hiding something.
> BTW, I would think it inappropriate for my wife to spend the night out, stay out with her friends brother, or have a male friend at our home without me.


She's an adult, not a piece of property. As adults they should be able to discuss this openly and honestly. If he can't trust her the marriage is lost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Oh and while I'm against snooping I'm all for keeping my vehicles safe. Install a hidden GPS device on her care just in case it gets stolen. You can map the cars location in case of "emergencies"
Good luck buddy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

Whatever phone service you have (t mobile, Verizon, at&t) you can go online and check call/text message also there are things you can put on her computer to track everything she does. Like a spy eye and she would have no idea its on her computer look it up its called key logger and its free and while shes gone you can look at it. Then throw it in her face BAM! caught cha! good luck


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sanity said:


> Oh and while I'm against snooping I'm all for keeping my vehicles safe. Install a hidden GPS device on her care just in case it gets stolen. You can map the cars location in case of "emergencies"
> Good luck buddy!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting.
It's not okay to tell her to be open with everything, but it is okay to track her whereabouts without her knowledge under the guise of "security".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She is not going to come outright and admit to cheating. 99.9% of cheaters DO NOT. So he needs to get the proof and go from there. She has already lied to him and had him in THEIR MARITAL HOME w/o his knowledge.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If my husband came home and me and some other guy were in the house drunk, there would be one less man running the streets (and it wouldn't be my husband).

Unacceptable!

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - 9 times out of 10, it's a duck!


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## macca (Apr 14, 2011)

thanks for all the replies have been thinking of spycam and keylogger but its a big step to take will think it over !!!


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## macca (Apr 14, 2011)

Well heres the update I finally got her to admit her affair after some more snooping. It got somewhat better on the home front for a short while she has apologised for her indescretion. It still hasnt made life any easier though it finally got to the point were we would not talk to each other at all I would rather go down the pub/bar after work instead of going home. I have gotten drunk and called her all sorts of names. Then I finally had enough so moved out of the house two weeks ago since then I have felt alot better we have been talking and enjoying each others company still not sure what lies ahead for us but I am happy with what ever happens from here on in as at least we have tried to work things out she has said we wouldnt be in this spot if she hadnt had an affair she is still hiding things from me but I dont care that much now I still love her and would like for us to be happy again but I am not sure that is what she really wants so for now I am giving her some space getting myself together


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

macca said:


> Well heres the update I finally got her to admit her affair after some more snooping. It got somewhat better on the home front for a short while she has apologised for her indescretion. It still hasnt made life any easier though it finally got to the point were we would not talk to each other at all I would rather go down the pub/bar after work instead of going home. I have gotten drunk and called her all sorts of names. Then I finally had enough so moved out of the house two weeks ago since then I have felt alot better we have been talking and enjoying each others company still not sure what lies ahead for us but I am happy with what ever happens from here on in as at least we have tried to work things out she has said we wouldnt be in this spot if she hadnt had an affair she is still hiding things from me but I dont care that much now I still love her and would like for us to be happy again but I am not sure that is what she really wants so for now I am giving her some space getting myself together


Good for you. It sounds like you have gotten yourself to a place where you are able to think clearly about what needs to be done. If you are considering working through your wife's affair (which I would strongly suggest), there are plenty of people on this sight who have overcome affairs and could give some very helpful advice. Might I suggest this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html.

Good luck as you work on improving yourself!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Is she still in contact with this guy?


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