# Accept a lack of intimacy



## hightower99 (Mar 17, 2017)

When it comes to a lack of intimacy, do you just accept it? My spouse said that I should be thankful for the good things in my life because others are not so fortunate. On some level I agree, but still feel that a relationship needs intimacy and an emotional connection. We’ve had many discussions which always end on a sour note. I’m at the point where I really don’t care to discuss it anymore and just want to move on with my life. Our relationship has become like two ships in the night and any discussion about it ends without resolution. Perhaps I’m being too sensitive, but I don’t like it when my spouse points out that I should be grateful because other people have far more problems so I should be happy with what I have. Is this some kind of manipulation or am I just being selfish?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It really is up to you. Assume it will never change, and they decide what you want to do. Sex / intimacy is vitally important to some people, not at all to others. 

If it is important to you, then I see nothing wrong with leaving over a lack of sex. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes.


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## dennisg1 (Jun 5, 2017)

By intimacy are you referring to lack of sex from your spouse? What type of emotional connection are you currently having with your spouse?

I've said the same thing to my EX before about being more optimistic and seeing life as more of a half glass full compared to other people who are struggling a lot worse, but I never said this when it would relate to our relationship (intimacy/emotional connection/etc.). I would usually say this when she would constantly complain about how bad her life was, and how all bad things always happen to her; which would prompt me to say the above because she was never appreciative of what she/we had.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Big questions:

1) Scale - My wife and I are intimate maybe twice every three weeks. Not near as much as I would like, but we are not sexless. Some people here talk about not having sex for years or months. 
2) Age & Circumstance - There is a big difference between being 25 with no kids and being 60. 

Ever since we had children, I haven't been happy with the amount of intimacy in our marriage. But it was never dead. And we have great kids and great memories. Now that I am in my mid fifties, I am content. We had our first child when I was 29. If I could go back to the time before the kids arrived, I would make different choices. But ever since that time, I don't think I would make any changes. Life has been pretty good. 

There have been times when everything was great. There have been times that it was good. There have been times when it has been just OK (majority). There have also been times where we came very close to splitting up. I am guessing most marriages are like this.

It is a very personal decision that only you can make.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Don't ever let that BS line about others having it worse drive you to accept less than you want for yourself.

Measuring your life against how bad it could be is far too easy and robs you of your potential. 

Far better to measure yourself against what is possible--and how important what is possible is to you. Keep that in mind as you make such a decision.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Your spouse is deflecting, turning the conversation away from him/herself. The deflecting minimizes your feelings and makes you look selfish. Yes, this is manipulation.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Is there a reason you avoided any pronouns in reference to gender? Did you think the answers would be different for one than from the other?

Unless there is a physical/medical condition then no, that is never an acceptable prospect, not for anyone. 

There is the adage that addresses gratitude:
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

And my reply to that has always been: Yes, I feel very badly for the man who has no feet, but don't I still need some shoes?

In other words, I am VERY grateful for everything that I have (in this case, no shoes) (or in your case, no sex), but I didn't chop off that man's feet to have to pay such a high penance of not being able to obtain what I need.

You have no price of penance to pay for other people's hardships. Your need for shoes (or sex) is not dismissed by the fact that there exists someone who doesn't need shoes.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hightower99 said:


> When it comes to a lack of intimacy, do you just accept it? My spouse said that I should be thankful for the good things in my life because others are not so fortunate. On some level I agree, but still feel that a relationship needs intimacy and an emotional connection. We’ve had many discussions which always end on a sour note. I’m at the point where I really don’t care to discuss it anymore and just want to move on with my life. Our relationship has become like two ships in the night and any discussion about it ends without resolution. Perhaps I’m being too sensitive, but I don’t like it when my spouse points out that I should be grateful because other people have far more problems so I should be happy with what I have. Is this some kind of manipulation or am I just being selfish?


You only get one life.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Have you expressed your gratitude to your spouse for all the time she is giving you to pursue your hobbies? Fly fishing, marathon training, pornography collecting, clubbing , exotic massage . . . . .


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

That's a silly, disrespectful argument. Just because there's a guy somewhere who has no arms or legs doesn't mean I should be thankful to give up one arm. Explain to her that there are people who have it much _better_ than you (Brad Pitt, Thurston Howell, etc.), and you'd like to work towards becoming one of those people. It's your wife's choice whether she wants to join you in that effort. 

You've been posting for a few months now without taking any action.

When you file for divorce, tell her how lucky she is that it's only _one_ divorce. Some people have been through two or more.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Your spouse is manipulative, and the argument is contemptible. I left my ex primarily for lack of intimacy, and it was a good decision. We are both happier in our new circumstances. I would find your situation and the reasoning completely unacceptable.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

hightower99 said:


> When it comes to a lack of intimacy, do you just accept it? My spouse said that I should be thankful for the good things in my life because others are not so fortunate. On some level I agree, but still feel that a relationship needs intimacy and an emotional connection. We’ve had many discussions which always end on a sour note. I’m at the point where I really don’t care to discuss it anymore and just want to move on with my life. Our relationship has become like two ships in the night and any discussion about it ends without resolution. Perhaps I’m being too sensitive, but I don’t like it when my spouse points out that I should be grateful because other people have far more problems so I should be happy with what I have. Is this some kind of manipulation or am I just being selfish?


I have been married to the same woman for 46+ years. I came very close to divorcing her, when we were in a sex starved marriage. I read a lot of relationship books and changed myself and how I treated my wife so she started to feel loved and cherished each day. Then with the help of a sex therapist marriage counselor, we rebuilt our relationship and marriage.

My advice to you will be different if you are a man or woman.

If a woman, my suggestions are: Drop all your anger toward your husband and actually value and express love toward them. Get the MW Davis book the Sex Starved wife and study it. Get the Chapman book the 5 languages of love and study it as well. When you have changed yourself sufficiently get you and your husband to a sex therapist marriage counselor.

If a man, my suggestions are: Drop all your anger toward your wife and actually value and express love toward them. Get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage and study it. Get Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and study it. Get Chapman's book the 5 languages of love. When you have changed yourself sufficiently get you and your wife to a marriage counselor who has extra training and credentials as a sex therapist.

Good luck, but remember you can't change your spouse you can only change yourself and they way you will accept to be treated. Your spouse may come around or not, that will be up to them and how much (s)he values the marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The next time she initiates conversation, hold your hand up and tell her you have no interest in talking to her anymore. 

When she balks...tell her she should be grateful for what she has.

Then wink at her and go do something you enjoy.


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