# Take a break from sex to solve issues?



## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

When we met I thought I had finally met someone with higher sex drive than me and I am borderline nympho, very HD but only when someone has my interest and I am in a committed relationship. My love language is touch and I love non sexual touch just as much, I love intimacy. This is not the only reason I married him but it was certainly nice.

Been married for a couple of years and turns out hubby can go without for like 3 weeks or so without complaining or initiating, if for whatever reason we can't he will forget about it for another 3 weeks or until I jump him. He will rarely reject me and for that I am thankful, lately I have been feeling resentful though, I see it as pity sex or like he is trying to control me or fooling me into things being ok.

Things are not ok... I see that now after getting away from him for a month (not officially separated, came to visit my mother abroad so she can spend time with our child). I am very open and honest with my thoughts and feelings with him. I have told him our marriage needs work and even mentioned separation/divorce in our conversations on the phone while here, not asked for it, but made it clear it feels like a reasonable option to consider before we end up hating each other.

Our sex life has been going on decline for a while, quality not only quantity. We don't really talk anymore, we don't do things together like go to the movies, hell, we don't even cuddle watching tv anymore. He stays up at night so he sleeps all day and I am very lonely, used to think he was being kind taking care of our baby at night(which he has done quite often since he was born) but while here our child has only asked for one bottle at night, sometimes none... So that is no longer it, he also seemed relieved when I said I wanted to go visit my mother for a few weeks.

Sorry for the long story, basically what I am asking is, would it make sense to move to the guest bedroom until we reconnect and go without? He will probably convince me easily if I stay in the bedroom... Might burst out crying and blurt out that sex is terrible at this point and hurting his feelings if that happened.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I think you should be even more forthright with him. Tell him that you are desperately unhappy and that if things don't improve, you are headed for divorce. I'm not a big fan of divorce, but being the HD partner with an uncooperative LD partner is torment.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Do either of you have jobs?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

What I have done with my wife is give her the book by Chapman (5 Languages of Love) and the book by Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight). They both explain how important touch is to some people.

Actually Chapman's 5 LL helped me understand how to make my wife feel loved in her love languages (acts of service and quality time). By making her feel loved and cherished in her love languages, she has been more able to make me feel loved in my primary love language touch and my secondary love language words of affirmation.

You might try that as an approach. Another thing that I do, to try to be less "needy" for touch from my wife is to go out and get a professional massage each week. It really helps me unwind and be a much mor confident (less desparate) and loving person around my wife. 

When my wife and I were in sex therapy for our SSM, our therapist suggesed sensate focus exercises. The first step is as you suggest taking a beak from sex so that you re-learn sensations, re-learn foreplay, and re-learn the stages of arousal.

Good luck to you.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

@Young, we did the 5 languages of love before getting married, we both scored crazy high for touch but I get the feeling now that he was mirroring my feelings to "close the deal" if that makes sense. I will look into the other book, thank you.

I had a massage the other day actually and it was wonderful! However not something I can afford back home on regular basis, if I can even find one place for it, it doesn't help we are in the middle of nowhere.

@Second, that is probably something I should have mentioned, I am a housewife and he took some time off to finish his degree Online and help with the baby so we don't get much space at all.

@tech, I would like to try to solve this without the need of an ultimatum, he is a wonderful man and father, I am not sure how to be more clear with him, perhaps there is something important I could change but he won't tell me?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Amorous said:


> When we met I thought I had finally met someone with higher sex drive than me and I am borderline nympho, very HD but only when someone has my interest and I am in a committed relationship. My love language is touch and I love non sexual touch just as much, I love intimacy. This is not the only reason I married him but it was certainly nice.
> 
> Been married for a couple of years and turns out hubby can go without for like 3 weeks or so without complaining or initiating, if for whatever reason we can't he will forget about it for another 3 weeks or until I jump him. He will rarely reject me and for that I am thankful, lately I have been feeling resentful though, I see it as pity sex or like he is trying to control me or fooling me into things being ok.
> 
> ...



Sorry to hear you're going through this.

You married a LD hubby.

Since you're a HD wife, this is known as sexual mismatch.

He should find you sexy and initiate sex all the time. I could only see him not initiating if you were LD and turned him down most of the time.

I too am Physical (rating 12) and I love sexual and non sexual touch. My wife though is Acts of Service (rating 12) and LD.

I would never, ever, stop the sex. Sex is the glue that really bonds a hubby and wife together. Otherwise, no sex, you're room mates and friends trying to work things out.

Could it be he is a passive guy? Meaning, he doesn't like to initiate sex but wants sex?

You are more aggressive and would wish he initiated?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to work on your marriage, do not move to another room. It would be a profound rejection of him that might be very hard for him to get over and forgive.

There is a book that might help you "Divorce Busting" (along with all the other reading people suggest).

I think that you are at a point where you need to pull back some and take care of yourself. Let him do the chasing for a change.

Have you considered marriage counseling? If he won't go then maybe you could get into counseling for yourself.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your fast and helpful replies 

Can he be LD if he never rarely rejects me? I don't mind initiating all the time, however I do mind if he goes along with it but he is not that into it... This will be TMI but he sometimes can't stay fully erect, he doesn't loose the erection but I can certainly feel the difference and wonder why is he forcing himself like this, I appreciate the thought but it just makes me feel worse and its a big turn off.

For the record we are in our early 30's and while he admitted when we met he used half a Viagra pill to help him along, he didn't need it, as in, there was not much difference without the pill.

Last time we had sex he initiated... And it was so cold, mechanical and disconnected, I mumbled I was not in the mood in hopes he would give me a chance to get there (doesn't take much) but he either didn't heard me or didn't believe me... But I am pretty sure he felt it, it was uncomfortable and border line painful. Didn't stop him because I worry rejection will make things worse, I did end up getting in the mood at the end and enjoyed myself a little but not something I want to repeat.

Marriage counseling is not possible right now but if things don't get better I am thinking of getting help on my own in August. I will check that book too, I get back the 23rd and trying to come up with a plan.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has he had a hormone levels checked?


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you considered marriage counseling?
> 
> If he won't go then maybe you could get into counseling for yourself.



What would you suggest the individual counselling cover?

Communication, reasons for 'feeling' the way you do due to how things are, etc.?


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Has he had a hormone levels checked?


A friend of mine had low testosterone and one if his symptoms was lack of a sex drive. He could take it or leave it. He got on testosterone injections and his drive returned. I'm on injections as well and I'm always ready for sex. Your husband probably has low testosterone.


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## Amorous (May 14, 2015)

It never occurred to me... My testosterone has always been high for a female... Can they just drop overnight? I don't want to get my hopes up but if this was the only problem it would be such a relief


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

Test levels drop over a period of time, not suddenly. Encourage him to get tested to at least rule it out.


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