# communication problem with wife: how do I solve stalemate ?



## mark.2010 (Dec 20, 2010)

Dear Fourm,
This is my first post. I have difficult situation with my wife. I have been married for last 10 years and have had many ups and downs as it happens in every relationship. However, one particular problem is happening repeatedly. whenever, there are any differences with my wife, she tends to shut herself into a cocoon, and would take days to recover. no matter whether it is her mistake or mine, she always does that. in the end it would always be me who initiates and resolves the matters. I have tried all sorts of startegies such as giving her space for few days, suggesting her that she should sit and talk rather early than late, or email me her thoughts, but nothing seems to work. her behaviour is always the same. both of us are busy professionals. i must admit that we are not love birds but are in a practical marriage and generally get along well, and have 2 kids. 

to cite an eg. recently, both of us were on work. I needed to contact her urgently, but she did not respond her mobile. i left messages for her, but she did not pick it up. for the whole day she did not respond. in the eve she called me . i had been through much of trouble by that time incuding having to cancel one meeting for the sake of picking kids in view of her not responding. when she callled me i expressed my unhappiness ( obviously my tone was harsh, but i in no way shouted at her). 
that was it . when she came home, instead of being aplogetic, she just shut herself. since then 10 days have passed and she hasn't come out of her cocoon. and i have been increasingly getting sad and upset with it. with my bruised ego, i donot feel like taking initiative and asking her to come to the table to talk and resolve the matter. please advise what to do in immediete and linger term.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Silent treatment is destroying a lot of marriages. 

Please search for articles about bad effects of silent treatment and have a serious discussion with her. If she is rational and she wants to have a happy marriage, she should look into it!

http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What about her bruised ego?

In the example you cited, you did not mention why she never responded. Was she busy being a "busy professional"? If so, your harsh tone could have bruised her ego.

I have found that when I want to keep communication going my wife is in "give him space" mode. I interpret this as her not wanting to communicate. The easiest way around this is to put whatever upset us in the past and immediately start talking about anything just to open up the lines again.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

The phone call situation should not have been a big deal but it went horribly wrong...

I've been in situations like your wife, where I was at work AWAY from my phone (like not even able to see it or get anywhere near it) and my SO was calling and I wasn't answering. Did he get mad? Yes. Did I get mad back? You better believe it! The fact that she couldn't get to her phone is unintentional and a complete accident, and as annoying as it is, you can't blame her for it if she had no idea what was going on. It's like getting really mad at your kid for not hearing you when s/he has headphones in. It makes sense for you to be mad, but NOT for you to be mad at her. You're blaming her for something she had no control over.

She should not have reacted the way she did, however. That is very, very immature, unreasonable, and scary. Have you been to counseling together? Does she know the effects of her actions? How does this affect the kids?


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