# Advice needed !!



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

So I am going through a divorce after finding out that my wife who is 29 is having an affair with a 52 year old work colleague..she is also carrying his baby..

I have since moved out..revealed all to his wife..and have filed for divorce..luckily we don't have children involved so that makes it easier..

My question is that it's her birthday tommorow..i have always been very romantic with gifts..should I send her a card ? Should I sent her a text or call ?

Or should I just not contact her at all..??

I want to be the bigger person in all this..i will never understand how this has happened..we have always been in love, spent loads of time together and have had a good sex life..

Any thoughts would be great !!!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

No contact whatsoever,you are still not over her and acknowledging her birthday in any way at all will prove this. 
You need to work on yourself and counseling may help you move on.
Without trying to sound harsh if she was so in love with you and you had such a great sex life why was she screwing someone old enough to be her father. Without a condom. 
Whenever you start thinking about your old wife remember this,that woman doesn’t exist anymore,she is dead. This cheating adulterous ex wife killed her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

When cheaters cheat, the waive their rights to be loved and honored and cherished and desired by their betrayed spouses. 

They can expect their BSs to harbor anger, resentment, bitterness and love of love and esteem for them. They can expect their BSs to ultimately no longer wish to be married to them and to divorce them.

There for they waive their rights and expectations of their BS celebrating personal dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc etc. 

You do not have a right to assault her, harm her, commit fraud upon her, vandalize or steal her property, slander her etc etc But you are under no obligation to recognize or celebrate her bday. 

Maybe her OM can send her a card or something.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Best to have no contact. When there are no children involved there needs be no contact at all once the marriage is over. I am so sorry this has happened, but best to find out now that you married a woman with no boundaries and low moral values than after the children arrived.
I also feel for his poor wife and heir children. How horrible for her to have to deal with her middle aged husband cheating with someone young enough to be his daughter, and making her pregnant as well.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Charlie18! said:


> My question is that it's her birthday tommorow..i have always been very romantic with gifts..should I send her a card ? Should I sent her a text or call ?


No. Sorry. It will take quite a long time to get over this. Perhaps you should talk to a counsellor.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The best birthday card you can give her would be divorce papers and the best gift is to blow up the POSOM (and her) at work! Get the mutha****a fired asap!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

No, get a divorce, get counselling (if you have difficulty moving on) and run......................NO CONTACT


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Your STBX will be stuck with OM one way or another for years.

Send her a sympathy card.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Charlie18! said:


> So I am going through a divorce after finding out that my wife who is 29 is having an affair with a 52 year old work colleague..she is also carrying his baby..
> 
> I have since moved out..revealed all to his wife..and have filed for divorce..luckily we don't have children involved so that makes it easier..
> 
> ...


*The only expendable gift you that give her now is "the 180!" If you give anyone a gift, give yourself the gift of two very worthwhile books:  No More Mr. Nice Guy  by Robert Glover and  The Married Mans Sex Primer  by Athol Kay.

No contact with her of any kind whatsoever, even if she were to call you!

Right now, you should be contacting a good family attorney for advise, and to start getting the divorce proceedings process rolling for you!

Best of luck to you, my friend. Hate to see you here, but you've brought yourself to absolutely the best place in the world for domestic relations advise!

You'll find that a sheer plethora of us old timers have "been there and done that!"*


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

@Charlie18! Listen, without sounding righteous .... I would consider myself, a religious person that takes pride in practicing what I preach, someone who takes the high road, ends up being the bigger person, you name it. And to a fault. You can see where all of my being a bigger person and turning the other cheek got me from my posts.

You can still be the bigger person by not calling her names, not being vindictive, etc. That's being the bigger person in this situation but sending her a Birthday Card? No! I know why you would do it, for the same reasons I did stuff like that over the first 5-6 months of my wife's affair and me battling to save the marriage. 

Thank God, you don't have kids. This will all still hurt like Hell but you dodged a bullet in the long run. Again, it's going to hurt, you are going to feel jaded, lost and wondering what is wrong with you. In the not so distant future, it's going to hit you, the silver lining, that you realize the person you married is not who you thought she was and she's probably not who she thought she was either. She'll figure that out 2-3 failed relationships from now, when she is at home with her kid and no one will listen to her sob stories anymore. 

If you want to do something, write in a journal. Write all of your thoughts down. It's helped me. Instead of talking to my STBXW while she's still in the house, I write down all of my thoughts, to myself.

It's cliche on this website but 180 is the only way to go for your situation.

If you want to be the bigger person, like I said, don't be mean but move on and avoid her like the plague. If you want to be the bigger person, pray for that child that will come into the world with low lifes for parents.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Sorry for your pain, Charlie. Your situation reminds me a bit about what happened to me. It will take time for everything to wash away, but no contact is the best response. What you thought was your wife is not there anymore, and was not the person you thought they were. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship. There is really no point in trying to play nice with her. Just leave her alone and tell her to leave you alone, if necessary.

Divorcing relatively young, without kids, means that you can start a whole new life with some real wisdom and life experience. It happened to me, and I am so much happier for it!


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Why would you even considering being thoughtful and kind to your wife. Was she being thoughtful and kind to you while she was banging her co-worker? 

Ignore her birthday like she ignored her wedding vows...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Now Charlie, you are going to see people post here saying things you may think are harsh or mean towards her and you might think to yourself ... they are just jaded, I'm not like that. The community is just trying to get through to you why this is not good. You want a reaction from her, you want her to feel a bit of what she will be missing. She may even thank you appreciate the gesture but deep down, she doesn't care. People that do these things have one care, the care for themselves. 

I still have to do things for their Mother indirectly because of the ages of my kids (help them with Bday gift, mother's Day, etc) but again, thankfully in this situation, no kids, which makes NC much more obtainable.

Is she still living with you?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're not getting it yet, @Charlie18!

She doesn't want your card. Giving her cards, gifts, notes, etc is only to make *you* feel good for giving it to her. 

You need to let go of the emotional hose. 

You should never reward bad behavior! 

Did you read the 180 list yet?


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

My opinion is no contact, and I suggest you ask yourself why you would even consider it? Being a big person in this case does not mean giving her undeserved affection. It means refraining from giving her what she deserves.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No card, no contact. You have no responsibilities to her at all any more. She isn't even a friend, just somebody you used to know.

You need to detach from her. She betrayed you in the worst ways possible, so there's no reason for you to have any concern for her. Taking the high road would be acting with integrity in the divorce, but that doesn't mean you need to be friendly towards her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Charlie18! said:


> ..
> 
> My question is that it's her birthday tommorow..i have always been very romantic with gifts..should I send her a card ? Should I sent her a text or call ?


Why? Makes no sense to me. STBXW is just that...an X. Treat as such.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

The second she let grandpa stick his **** in her your marriage was done.

You don't owe her anything. You don't have to be friends. You don't even have to be nice. Get out of the M the quickest way possible and ghost her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> So I am going through a divorce after finding out that my wife who is 29 is having an affair with a 52 year old work colleague..she is also carrying his baby..
> 
> I have since moved out..revealed all to his wife..and have filed for divorce..luckily we don't have children involved so that makes it easier..
> 
> ...


What NO! Never talk to her again. Week passive men get bullied and cheated on. Don't be one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> @Charlie18! Listen, without sounding righteous .... I would consider myself, a religious person that takes pride in practicing what I preach, someone who takes the high road, ends up being the bigger person, you name it. And to a fault. You can see where all of my being a bigger person and turning the other cheek got me from my posts.
> 
> You can still be the bigger person by not calling her names, not being vindictive, etc. That's being the bigger person in this situation but sending her a Birthday Card? No! I know why you would do it, for the same reasons I did stuff like that over the first 5-6 months of my wife's affair and me battling to save the marriage.
> 
> ...


Matthew 10:14


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I find it worrisome that you are even contemplating acknowledging the birthday of someone you are divorcing because she had an affair and is PREGNANT with another man's child. 

Please, explore the idea of getting into counseling. It will open up a whole new world for you in a positive way.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Do you think a man that respected himself would send her a card under these circumstances?


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