# Anxiety in Marriage



## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

I am new to this forum, so forgive me for starting out with a novel.

A little background...........I have been married to my dream girl for almost 20 years (it will be 20 years in June). We have seven beautiful children ranging from 2 to 17 years of age.

The anxiety is on my part. Through my wife's late 20's and almost all of her 30's (she is now 40), she was not feeling well. Not medically but emotionally. She started seeing a DR knowledgeable about thyroid issues and she has really helped my wife get things in check.

While away on a business trip the week before Thanksgiving, the effects of her treatments REALLY took shape. She has always been very beautiful, but now she is just plain drop-dead gorgeous!! Our love life has always been decent, but now it is out of this world!! She has updated her wardrobe slightly (wearing more stylish clothes, nothing revealing), started wearing a little more makeup and it is very apparent that she is feeling very well.

This is where the anxiety comes in. She has always been a head-turner IMO, but now it seems to be magnified. I am noticing every time someone looks at her. I am sure that she has always gotten looks, but now it seems that I am noticing others looking as well. She always wraps her arms around me, looks up at me with those dark brown eyes and says "just remember, YOU are the one that gets to take me home!"

We have always had a good relationship. No mistrust. No unfaithfulness on either of our parts. We spend a lot of time together when I am not working, there has been no drop in hand holding, talking, lovemaking (as previously stated, our intimate life is the best that it has ever been!!!!!), etc., etc. I am just having a really hard time with the new look and others taking notice.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this?? My wife and I have had many conversations regarding my anxieties and insecurities (she talked about hers as well), but I do NOT want to burden her with anymore of this talk!!

Thanks in advance!!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Get thee to a counsellor - 'specially if she doesn't want to talk about these things anymore. You, apparently, still need to get it off your chest.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

It's not that she doesn't want to talk about it, I don't want to burden her with my thoughts and anxieties! We have had numerous talks in the last several weeks about how I am feeling.

What angers me the most is that I have done a lot of research on how anxiety and insecurities often stem from childhood. My parents (mother in particular) always said to me when I was in my teens "she is going to break your heart" or "leave her now before it is too late", etc., etc. My mother has NEVER said anything like that about my wife. BTW, my mother has a SERIOUS case of foot in mouth disease!!!!!!! I am glad that they live 1,000 miles away!!! 

We have a VERY committed relationship and we discuss EVERYTHING together. We entered into marriage committing to each other that divorce would NEVER be an option! Period! I have always been a confident person, but there are times that I feel like I need to give her more even though she has never asked for more! To me, that is purely a confidence issue. I have the love of a good woman but why is my confidence in what I provide to her waning?? Intimacy has been great, we often hold hands, kiss, etc., etc. She has NEVER complained one bit about our relationship!


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks Dean!!

We workout together just about every night. We have started a new hobby together just before Christmas.........shooting! We are working on our conceal carry permits. She loves it!! And we get to spend more time together!!

I have just got to come to terms with my feelings and think positive. Not easy though....................


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, sounds as though you're on the right track - spending time together, etc. Strong marriage! Good for you.

But still, if your anxiety can't be quieted with self-help, just see someone about it. No shame in that.

Or, speak to your wife! If she isn't tired of hearing it, then why not confide in her?


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks for the replies!!

My wife gets REALLY angry with me when I tell her that I married over my head............and believe it or not, the other day she told me that confidence is very 'SEXY'. Dean, you are a wise man!!

I've got some work to do!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree::iagree:


*Dean* said:


> Dad27,
> 
> Self Confidence, Self Confidence, Self Confidence
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

YOu cannot prevent her from cheating on you by telling her about your anxiety. Therefore it is useless to do so. It only makes you look weak and actually lessens her attraction for you, and increases the likelihood that she will cheat.

You have to accept that her cheating is always a possibility. Simliar to your wife dying. Accept it, hope it does not happen, and live your life right.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

Don't know that she has ever thought about cheating.........didn't ask and not going to!!

I know what I need to do...........be the person that she fell in love with 20 years ago and keep on keeping on!!

Thanks for the post.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

One more thing...........thanks for the STRONG vote of confidence Hicks......greatly appreciated!


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Dad27,
> 
> Self Confidence, Self Confidence, Self Confidence
> 
> ...


One more question...........it has been a rough month and a half (on and off) talking to my wife about my insecurities/anxiety. She has assured me that she is going to work with me and help me through it.

How bad do you think that this has hurt my marriage? I know that there has been some damage done but I am not sure to what extent?? The last couple of days have been great, almost like nothing has happened. Is that genuine you think? Or could she just be putting on a happy face for me??


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*This is where the anxiety comes in. She has always been a head-turner IMO, but now it seems to be magnified. I am noticing every time someone looks at her. I am sure that she has always gotten looks, but now it seems that I am noticing others looking as well*
Being the husband I would tell her to dress down. That you cant take everyone looking at her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dad,
You must be one helluva guy. Truly. Because she is really into you. She is completely overlooking the last 6 weeks and you need to simply put that behind you and move back into confident mode. 

Do NOT ask her to dress down. Do NOT DO THAT. It is a sign of fear/insecurity. It is the absolute opposite of what she really wants from you. Guess what - she may like other guys looking at her. So WHAT. She holds onto you to let them know she is TAKEN. She wants you to see her as desirable to other men. That is totally harmless. 




accept said:


> *This is where the anxiety comes in. She has always been a head-turner IMO, but now it seems to be magnified. I am noticing every time someone looks at her. I am sure that she has always gotten looks, but now it seems that I am noticing others looking as well*
> Being the husband I would tell her to dress down. That you cant take everyone looking at her.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> I am just having a really hard time with the new look and others taking notice.


It sounds like you are crushing HARD on your wife! Fantastic!! 

Most likely they have always taken notice, but you are now noticing more so because of your increased crush and desire for her. There's nothing to do here but continue being devoted and cherish her for the beautiful, amazing wife and mother that she is.

:smthumbup:


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Do NOT ask her to dress down. Do NOT DO THAT. It is a sign of fear/insecurity. It is the absolute opposite of what she really wants from you. Guess what - she may like other guys looking at her. So WHAT. She holds onto you to let them know she is TAKEN. She wants you to see her as desirable to other men. That is totally harmless.*
Sorry cant always agree to everyone here. If the husband doesnt like it, the wife should conform.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> It sounds like you are crushing HARD on your wife! Fantastic!!
> 
> Most likely they have always taken notice, but you are now noticing more so because of your increased crush and desire for her. There's nothing to do here but continue being devoted and cherish her for the beautiful, amazing wife and mother that she is.
> 
> :smthumbup:


She has ALWAYS knocked me off of my feet. She is one of those rare women that has done nothing special in the 'diet' area and still has the body and looks of a woman in her early 20's (she will be 41 in July)...........she DOES not look like someone who has had 7 children that's for sure!!!!

As previously stated, there has never been any mistrust or unfaithfulness on either of our parts in our almost 20 years of marriage. We have always gotten along great!! She has the more dominant personality in our relationship and I am just the opposite. Maybe that is why it has worked all these years.

My only concern now is that by me talking to her about my insecurities that I have done some damage that I may not be able to repair. I guess time will tell....................


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

Heard that! Good call!


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Take obvious outward pride in your wife when out. Put your arm around her smile tell her how beautiful she looks, kiss her, and let every man watch and wonder. You are being envied, and she is being appriciated for her beauty, and she is ALL YOURS! Roll around in that all day, rejoice in it, tell her how she just has gotten so mcuh more beautiful.


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## Dad27 (Jan 3, 2012)

bellamaxjoy said:


> Take obvious outward pride in your wife when out. Put your arm around her smile tell her how beautiful she looks, kiss her, and let every man watch and wonder. You are being envied, and she is being appriciated for her beauty, and she is ALL YOURS! Roll around in that all day, rejoice in it, tell her how she just has gotten so mcuh more beautiful.


I do tell her that on a pretty regular basis. Typically when we are out (which is not a whole lot with 7 kiddos at home) we hold hands about 95% of the time. I ALWAYS feel proud to have her on my arm.

Last couple of days have been very good for me. I attitude has gotten considerably better and my wife has that 'spring' in her voice that I have grown to love over the years. I will keep everyone updated.

Thank you for ALL of the posts and encouragements!!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Dad27 said:


> My only concern now is that by me talking to her about my insecurities that I have done some damage that I may not be able to repair. I guess time will tell....................


ahhh.... but you're a human being with real emotions like the rest of us, not a robot right? I don't know what your conversations were, how they were delivered or indeed how your wife would receive them BUT I can tell you that when my husband shared some of his deepest insecurities I actually recognized how strong he really is. It's the way he's now dealing with these things that I have been flawed by. 

You don't need to be perfect. You just need to be you. 20 years, 7 children and she's still telling you that you're the one she wants to come home to? That should be a strong foundation.

Yep, get the rose. And recognize YOU are as much of a catch as she is. Best wishes.


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