# advice please



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

In trying to get out of our driveway yesterday I ran into and bumped a wood box my husband uses for storage. It had rotted and fell apart. I ran over the rotted piece, and ended up with a flat tire.
My husband was mad and upset with me because it was a new tire. I offered to buy a new tire to replace it because it was my fault. He said no we would just use the spare and get the flat tire fixed. Besides it was a stupid idea to buy a new one.
I told him gee, thanks for calling me stupid. All I wanted was acknowledgement for the gesture. Something like thanks for the offer, I appreciate it, but I'll just get the flat fixed.
He refused to see my offer as anything but stupid, and only focus on what I had done. What do you all think?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He needs to get over it and just come back down to earth!*


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

theetoeturtle said:


> In trying to get out of our driveway yesterday I ran into and bumped a wood box my husband uses for storage. It had rotted and fell apart. I ran over the rotted piece, and ended up with a flat tire.
> My husband was mad and upset with me because it was a new tire. I offered to buy a new tire to replace it because it was my fault. He said no we would just use the spare and get the flat tire fixed. Besides *it was a stupid idea *to buy a new one.
> I told him gee, *thanks for calling me stupid*. All I wanted was acknowledgement for the gesture. Something like thanks for the offer, I appreciate it, but I'll just get the flat fixed.
> He refused to see my offer as anything but stupid, and only focus on what I had done. What do you all think?


What someone says 'to' me is 'about' me fallacy.

Maybe you could go on a safe driving course.

I'm just kidding. That was pretty unpleasant of him to get so personal over what is just a box and a tire.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

theetoeturtle said:


> In trying to get out of our driveway yesterday I ran into and bumped a wood box my husband uses for storage. It had rotted and fell apart. I ran over the rotted piece, and ended up with a flat tire.
> My husband was mad and upset with me because it was a new tire. I offered to buy a new tire to replace it because it was my fault. He said no we would just use the spare and get the flat tire fixed. Besides it was a stupid idea to buy a new one.
> I told him gee, thanks for calling me stupid. All I wanted was acknowledgement for the gesture. Something like thanks for the offer, I appreciate it, but I'll just get the flat fixed.
> He refused to see my offer as anything but stupid, and only focus on what I had done. What do you all think?




But he didn't call you stupid. My H has called me stupid, at first it was that something I said was stupid or my action and gradually I was stupid and he didn't apologize for that. That is much worse. 

In this situation he is just upset because of the car, he is not upset with you. He is also just concentrating on a solution.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

He didn't call you stupid. He said the idea was stupid. Now his choice of words could have been better. He might have said "it's an expensive idea". 

He's upset because you two paid good money for a brand new tire, which is now useless. I can see his point. I would get the tire fixed instead of getting a new one assuming it's cheaper to patch it. I think (could be wrong) that he thinks you're not feeling bad for what happened. I know it was done unintentionally, but it sounds like he thinks you're focusing on his choice of words instead of what you did (i.e. puncturing a perfectly good tire).


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

It was my fault and I told him I was sorry, but saying my offer was stupid wasn't very nice either. Besides that, is hurting my feelings really worth it over a stupid tire?


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

theetoeturtle said:


> It was my fault and I told him I was sorry, but saying my offer was stupid wasn't very nice either. Besides that, is hurting my feelings really worth it over a stupid tire?


So now the tire is stupid.


Just as you think "my suggestion is stupid, I offered the suggestion so you're calling me stupid, because only a stupid person would give a stupid suggestion."


I say "You called the tire stupid. I bought that tire. So now you're calling me stupid, because only a stupid person would buy a stupid tire"


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Is there more going on? I mean is your driving bad? Is this incident the one that broke the camel's back? Is money tight and he is tense?

I am a terrible driver :nono:and I finally got it out of my husband that he feel's disrespected by my speeding tickets, high cost of insurance...truth be told I have to change:rules:

Sometimes a little incident is the result of a bigger thing that's going on.......


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Still even if he said the idea is stupid he is still calling her stupid. Its just a short jump to out right calling her stupid. He should apologize. I don't think some realize the importance of an apology and a I love you.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think it's not a big deal. I wouldn't dwell on it. If he had fumed for hours and yelled and insulted you, that would be different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

We had snow in the early morning hours, that is why I ended up sliding into the box. Our driveway is on an incline. I needed my drivers abstract before I started my new job. Its blank. So what does that tell you about my driving history?. I am very good driver.
I think you missed the point. He could have been more gracious with my offer instead of blowing up and calling the idea stupid. And when he called my idea stupid, how do you think that makes me feel?.
And as to my husband giving me an apology, he won't. Been married to him 27 years. If he feels he's right, then by golly, nothing is going to get him to say I'm sorry, and I love you.
I'm the one who ends up saying it first.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Thebes said:


> Still even if he said the idea is stupid he is still calling her stupid. Its just a short jump to out right calling her stupid. He should apologize. I don't think some realize the importance of an apology and a I love you.


Using that logic, if he called the idea "expensive", would he then be calling her expensive? 

He was using the adjective to qualify the noun (idea). I think when people go down the rabbit hole of "well you called ME stupid", when he in fact didn't, people end up getting up in a big fight over nothing. 

He doesn't need to apologize, in my opinion. She needs to understand his perspective. I suspect he's looking at the fact he now has to take time to either repair the tire himself or take it somewhere where it can be replaced. That's time and some cost. It's unexpected and unwanted since they had new tires in the car. Her offer to get a new tire isn't exactly a generous offer, is it? I assume a new tire would be paid from a shared pot of money unless she keeps her money completely separately from his. So really it's not her money per se that's paying for it, it's joint money. So it's not really a gift from her either, is it? 

This is just me seeing from his perspective.

It seems there are more issues in this marriage. I haven't read the other posts from the OP so I don't know the whole history here.


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

My husband has been out of work for 6 years, and only works sporadically. The checking account may be a joint one, but I'm the one who is working and paying the bills. So yes, taking money out of my paycheck to get a new tire, rather than paying a bill is being generous. I didn't think twice about doing it. He has lots of time on his hands, so its not like he is taking time out of his super busy day(yes I'm being sarcastic) to go get the tire fixed.


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## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

I came here to get constructive advice, but all I'm getting is a lot of criticism.
I didn't come here so people could tell me what a jerk my husband is. I have NEVER thrown my working in my husbands face. 
The truck belongs to both of us. We are both on the registration.
All I wanted to do is to buy a new tire to make up for the mistake I made. There was no evil or mean intent behind it.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

theetoeturtle said:


> I came here to get constructive advice, but all I'm getting is a lot of criticism.
> I didn't come here so people could tell me what a jerk my husband is. I have NEVER thrown my working in my husbands face.
> The truck belongs to both of us. We are both on the registration.
> All I wanted to do is to buy a new tire to make up for the mistake I made. There was no evil or mean intent behind it.


I don't think people are trying to criticize you. But maybe you should just let the issue go. Men are practical and like to solve problems. I would just let him handle it and then not worry about it anymore. He's probably forgotten by now that he said your idea was stupid, but you are letting it fester.....


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