# Not sure if I did the right thing



## mishey (Oct 13, 2009)

Hi All newbie here.
A little background.
We don't have kids together but I have a 21 yr old daughter from a previous relationship, We dated for about 1.5 yrs bought a house and moved in together. We were together for 11yr before we got married. For most of our marriage we were happy, the best of friends and a great team. We worked together perfectly. Any fights that we has were usually over my daughter or her father. Either I was coddling her to much or he was pissed that my daughters father would not pay child support. 

The trouble seemed to start when we sold our first house and purchased the house that we have now. We got a deal on the house because it belonged to my in-laws. Part of the agreement was that they built an in-law apartment above the garage for them to live. We soon learned that we purchased too much house that was way too big and required too much work and we were a bit over out heads.

That is when my husband became workaholic. He works almost every Sat and a few nights a week on top of his regular job. He has what I call tunnel vision when he works. He hears nothing and see nothing and he looses track of time constantly. He would never call me and give me a heads up that we would be late coming home. I would cook dinner for the both of us only to end up eating along. I know he was under a lot of pressure because of the house. I know that he works so much to keep our heads above water. This, I am grateful for. I also work a full time job but over the past few years my company has given us a lot furloughs, so my pay was cut.
At first I was able to deal with his work schedule but after a few years be became old and I started asking him to make time for us, let me know if he is going to be working late. He has tried to do this but it has only lasted a few weeks then it's back to the same old crap, no calls never knowing when and if he will be home and breaking plans with me of showing up late when we had plans. It made me so angry that we stopped almost all communication and only talked when we had to. I began to feel that I was no longer important any more and I did't matter.

A few months ago, I told him that I wanted a separation. I told him that I was to the point that I was too angry all the time and I could not live like this. I told him this during a long weekend and he didn't have to work. After I told him I wanted out we ended up having a wonderful weekend and it felt like we were connecting again. I asked him if he would go to IC and he agreed. I agreed to put off the separation and see where it goes. He made the appointment but, he never went. He made excuses that he didn't have time. In his defense, he did pick up a very large and very time consuming job that lasted a few more months then expected but he landed the job because the house needed a new roof. Him not making the time for IC, but he could golf once a week was the last straw and about a month later I moved out. 

I've been living away from him since September 28th and I miss him like crazy. I left because he would not wake up and make out marriage a priority. Since I left he has landed a full time job where he is making more money and does not have to work so much. We make plans to be together 2/3 days a week. I've slept over his house and he has slept over mine. Sometimes he comes over and I cook and other times we go to the movies, dinner or just hang out. He has almost always shows up on time and has never blown be off. The one time he was late he called to let me know. I know that I an in love with him and that has never changed. I want to be able to have the wonderful relationship that we once had. He has agreed to see a MC. We go to the 1st appt this Monday. 

He has told me a ton of times that he didn't want me to leave and that I am welcome back anytime and that he loves me.

To make this even more complicated, my 21yr old daughter move with me. My husband and my daughter never got along. they are like oil and water. If I had it my way, I would have move back and said how sorry I was for being so rash. But now I have to contend with my adult child. She does not make enough money to live on her own and her boyfriend has some issue that are preventing him from working (whatever). She does not want to live with him and it might sound terrible, but I don't think I want her there either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Put your marriage first. It sounds like the separation has been good for your relationship. If you don't make the move back now you might lose that window. I wish you a lot of luck in putting it all back together again.

As for your daughter. She's an adult. Do not structure your life around her. If you do the message is that see is helpless and cannot take care of herself.

It sounds like she has job. Is she working full time? If now she needs to get a job or get into school to get a skill. there are student loans etc. 

If she is truely in need she can come stay at your house (it very big after all) and she can act like a mature adult and be respectful of your husband.

She can join the job core. They have free education and free housing. She can join the military. 

Basically there are plenty of things that a 21 year old can do and should do.

All you are doing right now is enableing her to be the least she can be... a dependent child.


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