# I make ALL the money, she complains we are broke



## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

First of all, I love my wife very much. She is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. BUT, not like this. Since we have been together (9 years), she has never held a job longer than a few months. When we first started dating she was fired from her job, after that she has had a few jobs for short periods of time (6 months was the longest I believe, all in the same field). Granted, we agreed that she would stay home while our kids were very young to raise them but they are now 6 and 8. About 2 years ago she decided she wanted to go back to school to get her Masters degree to better her chances of finding a good job. I was, and still am, all for that. She just recently graduated and is on the job hunt. In the time she was in school, I have been supporting us as best I can but we never seem to really ever get caught up on the bills. We have had to “borrow” money from her parents a lot just to survive. It’s really bad right now. We are 2 months (going on 3) behind on our mortgage, utilities getting shut off, cell phones getting shut off, etc. I try to prioritize our spending and pay what I can when I can but there is always something that has to suffer. 

Here is my real problem: She blames me. Constantly. I make 50k/year doing a job a love. I don’t spend money on anything frivolous. The only thing I spend money on for myself is on lunch when I’m working and I try to eat pretty cheap usually (under 5 bucks a day). She is constantly questioning where our money is going and I have shown her a few times in detail that I am simply making just under what we are spending a month. She seems to understand when I explain it but a week or three later she is right back to questioning me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I work my butt off and make a good wage for barely having a high school education. I keep telling myself that it will get better when she gets a job but I fear that when the money starts coming in she is going to want to spend even more and put us right back where we are now. She is already looking at more expensive homes and is always talking about needing a new car. 

I don’t know if I really need advice or more or less just needed to vent but I have a hard time being blamed for being broke when she has brought in less than 10k since we have been together and she has the audacity to tell me I don’t make enough money.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You must sit and pay the bills together every month. This is the only way for your W to see and understand where the money goes.


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## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> You must sit and pay the bills together every month. This is the only way for your W to see and understand where the money goes.


I have tried this. Many times. She still doesn't seem to grasp that we are broke. She then makes me feel bad when i have to say, "sorry, we can't get that right now". I then hear for the next week that WE ARE BROKE, WE HAVE NO MONEY. She even says these things in front of the kids to the point they worry about money now.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JMAN34 said:


> I have tried this. Many times. She still doesn't seem to grasp that we are broke. She then makes me feel bad when i have to say, "sorry, we can't get that right now". I then hear for the next week that WE ARE BROKE, WE HAVE NO MONEY. She even says these things in front of the kids to the point they worry about money now.


Sorry it has come to this point. Does she realize she is doing this and creating a hostile environment for the kids. I'm certain your W tone of voice is hostile when she says we are broke, we have no money? 

If so, why is she not helping? If she does then you need to make a budget. In that budget is an allowance for your W and you. Each month. Same amount. Then she will not have to ask you for money and you don't have to say no. Further, if she wants something that is expensive she can then save her monthly allowance for it.


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## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

It has been a different reason each time. A couple times have been health related but others have been she has felt that the job was below her. Ive told her, even a McDonalds salary would make all the difference for us.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JMAN34 said:


> It has been a different reason each time. A couple times have been health related but others have been she has felt that the job was below her. Ive told her, even a McDonalds salary would make all the difference for us.


She appears to simply not want to work.


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## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Sorry it has come to this point. Does she realize she is doing this and creating a hostile environment for the kids. I'm certain your W tone of voice is hostile when she says we are broke, we have no money?
> 
> If so, why is she not helping? If she does then you need to make a budget. In that budget is an allowance for your W and you. Each month. Same amount. Then she will not have to ask you for money and you don't have to say no. Further, if she wants something that is expensive she can then save her monthly allowance for it.


Here's the problem, if we budget all of our money for bills, there will be ZERO dollars left at the end of the day. We are living beyond our means (out of our control as our mortgage payment doubled over the past few years (damn USDA loan)). Even after i show her this, she thinks we can go out to eat when we dont feel like cooking. Oh, and I do the laundry, dishes and most of the cleaning.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Have an accountability report.

Take a sheet of paper and write every single expense for both of you down. Everyday. Every penny. Keep all receipts of spending. Every week do your calculations. Then, you see where your money is going.

Break down the mortgage, car payment, insurance and large bills into
4.
This 1/4 is what you put aside every week into the checking account. So you are breaking things into smaller amounts.

Pay bills every week as the come ,together. 

If you are better with the money, you mind the account.

No atm cards, credit cards, only cash. You get an allowance, both of you. You don't get extra. Try it for 1'month see how it's works. It's a lot more work but it should help you.

After you are bit steady on your feet, go see a financial planner. Take your wife with you. Pay the few $$$ and it will be worth every penny.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JMAN34 said:


> Here's the problem, if we budget all of our money for bills, there will be ZERO dollars left at the end of the day. We are living beyond our means (out of our control as our mortgage payment doubled over the past few years (damn USDA loan)). Even after i show her this, she thinks we can go out to eat when we dont feel like cooking. *Oh, and I do the laundry, dishes and most of the cleaning*.


Do you also take care of the kids as well? If so, what does she do most of the day?


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## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> Have an accountability report.
> 
> Take a sheet of paper and write every single expense for both of you down. Everyday. Every penny. Keep all receipts of spending. Every week do your calculations. Then, you see where your money is going.
> 
> ...


I think the paper with all expenses might be a good tool to implement. I can already see her questioning if it is accurate or if I'm spending it elsewhere. It has gone as far as her approaching me about having a girl on the side or a drug addiction. Both of which are completely far fetched.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JMAN34 said:


> Here's the problem, if we budget all of our money for bills, there will be ZERO dollars left at the end of the day. We are living beyond our means (out of our control as our mortgage payment doubled over the past few years (damn USDA loan)). Even after i show her this, she thinks we can go out to eat when we dont feel like cooking. Oh, and I do the laundry, dishes and most of the cleaning.


Oh my, you got stuck in a FHA type low interest loan that will increase in interest over a period of a year or so? Worst loans out there. Lived it and learned. Conventional only for me. Anyway, your W is part of the problem. She can be part of the solution. It is time to lay it on the line...advise your she needs to become financially responsible. Advise if she does not become part of the solution the home will need to be sold and less expensive place found to live. 

Sounds like a champagne tastes on a beer budget.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JMAN34 said:


> I think the paper with all expenses might be a good tool to implement. I can already see her questioning if it is accurate or if I'm spending it elsewhere. *It has gone as far as her approaching me about having a girl on the side or a drug addiction.* Both of which are completely far fetched.


Ah...blame shifting and without any evidence. Utter BS and unfair. Your W sounds immature and has never really faced the reality of a financial abyss.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jman, I am saying this gently, but you realize the problem is you and not her, right?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jman34....you are in a situation of what I call "House Poor". In other words, the house mortgage eats up all of the money. There is nothing left for anything. This is no way to live. Been there brother. Not sure of your loan and if you are upside down in the home or there is some equity. Did you look into a refinance to a conventional loan at a much lower interest rate? Doing so will stop this crazy interest rate jump and your mortgage payment growing. It appears the mortgage is the problem and this can be address if you start looking at other loan options.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Jman, I am saying this gently, but you realize the problem is you and not her, right?


I would not say it is Jman issue. The issue is the house. The lousy loan has doubled and created financial stress. Like we have not seen this before with crappy loan offices peddling loans to people that can not really afford the loans. The housing bubble still continues.


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## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Jman, I am saying this gently, but you realize the problem is you and not her, right?


Please, explain.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

JMAN34 said:


> It has gone as far as her approaching me about having a girl on the side or a drug addiction. Both of which are completely far fetched.


You may want to do a little bit of spying on your wife. Those false accusations are often leveled by cheaters against their BS (betrayed spouses). It's called misdirection.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Your inability to tell your wife no and be okay with it, no matter how much she complains. 

It sounds a lot like you have compromised what is important to you in order to please her. By seeking her approval, you have actually done the opposite. 

This is coming from someone who did it for years. 

This symptom is a major hallmark of codependency.


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## JMAN34 (Jul 28, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I would not say it is Jman issue. The issue is the house. The lousy loan has doubled and created financial stress. Like we have not seen this before with crappy loan offices peddling loans to people that can not really afford the loans. The housing bubble still continues.


The loan is a subsidized loan. I have increased my salary over the years and the subsidy has been cut out now that i have reached beyond what they will help with.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Your inability to tell your wife no and be okay with it, no matter how much she complains.
> 
> It sounds a lot like you have compromised what is important to you in order to please her. By seeking her approval, you have actually done the opposite.
> 
> ...


Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

See about getting a new conventional loan.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JMAN34 said:


> The loan is a subsidized loan. I have increased my salary over the years and the subsidy has been cut out now that i have reached beyond what they will help with.


Understood. Can this loan be refinanced to a new conventional loan? 

You don't want to get in the rears on the loan. This will prove to be a issue down the road when you apply of other types of loans.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I get so ticked at people who blame their spouse for not making enough money. Go out and get a job (or a better paying job) if you want more money! That's what you need to say and you need to mean it. 

By all means take the financial steps you need to take--and consider selling or renting the house and moving to less expensive housing until you get a grip on finances. Talk to your kids--make sure they know you will not end up homeless or hungry, but you will need to have the family's support in cutting back for a while--whatever that will look like from your perspective.

If you can hold a yard sale, visit consignment ships, plan for "sandwich nights" (when no one feels like cooking), etc., you might begin feeling a bit better--taking small steps that in and of themselves won't solve the problem, but might help get you, your wife, and your kids on the same page.

Be willing to argue with your wife about this, and to insist that it is financially irresponsible to expand expenses (like a bigger house or new car) when you are currently increasingly in debt . Make it clear that you want her income to cover past due mortgage payments and whatever percent of the living expenses are fair (if she makes 30% of the total income, she pays 30% of the total bills or more, etc). Then negotiate a savings plan. Do not set savings goals that are unrealistic or punitive--just insist on a way of saving that she cannot get at on her own, with each of you also contributing in fair amounts,starting small and planning to increase your contributions as incomes rise and other expenses change.

I think you need to get in front of this before she starts working. Good luck.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

This could help. 
http://www.makinghomeaffordable.gov/programs/lower-payments/Pages/hamp.aspx
Helped me. Got behind on the house back in 09 or so when my payment jumped and the recession cut my income by about $15000 at the time. 
Got me out of foreclosure and cut my house payment in half. 
Worth a try .
Plan on doing a refi to a conventional soon . The payment will go up a little but the hamp loan has a balloon payment at the end.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Refinance your loan. Assign that project to your wife.

The part about it being your fault is a bit much, but you are not handling your wife properly which is contributing:

You have to offer her choices: "Wife, do you want to a) get a job or b) sell the house?"

When your wife says "Where is all the money going. You are cheating. You are on drugs"... Your resopnse "Wife, we have been down this road before. Please review the spreadsheet I prepared a while back. I also remind you that you are free to take over our bill paying and banking if you wish. Stop accusing me of cheating, you and I both know that is BS. Our choices are as follows: 1. Scale back our expenses. 2. You earn more money or 3. I earn more money. Each of these has pros and cons. When would you care to discuss these options?".


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You are the one responsible for earning the money, and since you don't trust her to responsibly control spending it falls back to your control. So do what you need to make your budget work and stop building resentment towards her. She is an adult too and can deal with her own responsibilities, don't enable her bad choices and lead by example of not making any of your own bad financial choices.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Refinance your loan. *Assign that project to your wife.*
> 
> The part about it being your fault is a bit much, but you are not handling your wife properly which is contributing:
> 
> ...


If he wants to go down in flames he can hand over responsibility of the finances to her.

He needs to take control of the expenditures.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> Jman34....you are in a situation of what I call "House Poor". In other words, the house mortgage eats up all of the money. There is nothing left for anything. This is no way to live. Been there brother. Not sure of your loan and if you are upside down in the home or there is some equity. Did you look into a refinance to a conventional loan at a much lower interest rate? Doing so will stop this crazy interest rate jump and your mortgage payment growing. It appears the mortgage is the problem and this can be address if you start looking at other loan options.


Being house poor sucks. Unfortunately, depending where you live, a $50k per year job makes it unavoidable. Where I live I do pretty good for income (apparently much higher than the national average, but seemingly significantly lower than most of my peers), and I could no longer afford the "starter" house (actually my second house) despite even getting into the housing market at the best possible time.

Now, I rent a room for me and my son on the weeks that I have him with a friend for cheap. I have tons of disposable income, but yet cannot afford a place of my own anywhere within 30km of my city. Rent starts at $1200 for the cruddiest of places, and ridiculous condo fees make owning a tiny apartment of my own just barely out of reach (I can do it but will forgo all my disposable income once again which I'm not ready to do yet).

Most importantly - both the OP and his W need to realize this and get on the same page so they can stop building the resentment for each other.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lon said:


> Being house poor sucks. Unfortunately, depending where you live, a $50k per year job makes it unavoidable. Where I live I do pretty good for income (apparently much higher than the national average, but seemingly significantly lower than most of my peers), and I could no longer afford the "starter" house (actually my second house) despite even getting into the housing market at the best possible time.
> 
> Now, I rent a room for me and my son on the weeks that I have him with a friend for cheap. I have tons of disposable income, but yet cannot afford a place of my own anywhere within 30km of my city. Rent starts at $1200 for the cruddiest of places, and ridiculous condo fees make owning a tiny apartment of my own just barely out of reach (I can do it but will forgo all my disposable income once again which I'm not ready to do yet).
> 
> Most importantly - both the OP and his W need to realize this and get on the same page so they can stop building the resentment for each other.


I do believe when the housing bubble popped the rental market became a very ripe place and cost to rent skyrocketed. In short, some folks were taking advantage of a very crappy situation for many when the housing bubble went bust. I passed a house last Sunday in the deepest of country surrounded by cornfields and nowhere near any town to speak of. Rent was $1300.00. The home was a run down farm house and not very big.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

JMAN34 said:


> Here is my real problem: She blames me. Constantly. I make 50k/year doing a job a love. I don’t spend money on anything frivolous. The only thing I spend money on for myself is on lunch when I’m working and I try to eat pretty cheap usually (under 5 bucks a day). She is constantly questioning where our money is going and I have shown her a few times in detail that I am simply making just under what we are spending a month. She seems to understand when I explain it but a week or three later she is right back to questioning me.
> 
> ...she has the audacity to tell me I don’t make enough money.


The truth is in that last line I copied.

When she questions you every few weeks about the money situation, she is not asking you "where did it all go" repeatedly. She is asking "you see we are behind - why haven't you done anything about it yet?"

Fix this now. She is clearly saying that supporting the family is your job. When and if she goes back to work, she will spend on herself and still leave you to pay the bills. Alternatively, she will resent you if she has to chip in to pay bills.

Get her to fix her attitude, or get out.


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## Fitgirl (Jul 30, 2015)

Honestly dude She sounds like a spoiled brat! but that's just my opinion.. Anyways try taking her to a homeless shelter or a dining hall for the hungry and show her that her complaints are invalid. Nothing that you do will ever make her happy, so quit trying. Maybe that's the reality check that she needs. You are too willing to make her happy and that's why she acts the way she acts. You permit it. Maybe Stop treating her like a princess??


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

She needs to grow up and be responsible. You have been supportive and allowed her to get her masters degree and now it's time for her to contribute too. Both financially and house chores.

If after she gets a job she is not contributing much to the family, perhaps split the bank accounts and define how much each side contributes to the house expenses. That way each of you has your own allowance and she doesn't get to waste all the money selfishly.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't understand why you do all of the laundry and dishes. Are you also stuck with other household chores that she could be doing while you are out earning a paycheck?

I agree with others that you have got to get your mortgage situation under control. Sounds like you have a pretty lousy loan. Either refinance, or sell the house and move somewhere more affordable.

$50,000 does not go a long way toward meeting all of the financial needs of a family, as you are finding out. She is going to have to get a job. Period. No way around it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

OP...have you looked into the HARP program?

http://harpprogram.org/index.php


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree on putting it all down on paper. Or a spreadsheet if you are comfortable with a computer.

List the bills and your net income. If there is ANY left, divide it in half. That's what you both get to spend a month, even if it's just $20. You can't buy a new house even if she gets a great job now that she has graduated - your credit has been damaged by being arrears on your mortgage! 

No unnecessary driving (gas), no eating out EVER. Start taking your lunch. $5 a day, 5 days a week is $100 a month. WTF? Stop it. I bet you can purchase the ingredients for lunch for $50 or less. 

Refinance if you can. Come to an agreement and write down your goals on that piece of paper - i.e. if she can start earning $50K per year, too, then you will look for a house in the $200K range in FIVE YEARS. Not tomorrow, not as soon as she gets her first check. Or agree all debts must be paid in full (cars, loans from family, student loans, etc.) before you buy a bigger house. Write it down. Both of you sign it. Tape it to the back of your bedroom door or wherever you'll see it EVERY DAY. Or set a goal that she is also happy with that results in a weekend vacation for you two.

Also, include your kids. If they are worried because of what Mom says, now is a GREAT time to teach them about budgeting. Tell them it's not anyone's business, that you expect they don't share this info with anyone else. But they need to know the cost of things and how people budget their money. They may be motivated to do chores for grandparents or neighbors for money to save for special things. Even a 9y/o can mow grass, offer to do odd jobs (weeding, spread mulch), roll out trash cans the night before trash day and put them back, walk dogs every night for neighbors - whatever.

I was stressed being married to someone who was a poor budget-er. Right now I'm stretched due to some home and car repairs - some necessary, some not, but I hate it. Can't wait to have it paid off. 

Also, I didn't get a loan for what the mortgage company said I could and I'm GLAD. I read you shouldn't spend more than 1/3 of your net income on a mortgage. I figured out what that was and stuck to it. And by golly that is good advice because a teen driver, random unexpected home repairs, etc. - I don't WANT more house! I don't want to be house poor. I also want to have some funds for retirement - I want to enjoy that time in my life and do some things within reason.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What did she get her degree in?


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

She has a master's degree and doesn't work? What the hell was the point of getting the credential then? She could have just gone to the public library and read or volunteered somewhere. Although, volunteering might be too strenous for her.

Insinuating that you are not earning enough is a direct attack on your masculinity. She's ****-testing and chipping away at your worth as a provider. Being "broke" is all relative to the material lifestyle you want. She seems to want all the benefits of this marriage and no responsibilities. What does she bring to the table? How does she support your wants and goals? Or, does she expect you to just be her personal ATM?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

1. Your wife is a spoiled CHILD. 

2. Your wife is a SPOILED child. 

3. Get out from under that bad mortgage. Your wife will still be a spoiled child who you will have to rehabilitate, but at least you won't be in a dire financial situation while you are doing it. 

4. See 1 and 2.


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## Propel (Aug 1, 2014)

My sympathies to you, its a hard situation to be in. As far as financial advice, previous posters have given some that you may want to pay attention to. Now, as far as your wife, I think it may be a good idea to get her more involved in your financial goals. What I mean is to set up mini goals on your way to bigger financial goals and encouraging each other along the way. So for example you can have to top goal be that new car she wants, but with conditions of completing some other goals like, putting certain amount in savings, etc. 

Involve her by making goals she can contribute to like saving money on groceries or materials and being excited when she is able to do those small goals. Another example maybe to send in x amount of applications this week. Don't be afraid to make it a game as well, so competing on who can save to most, etc. Don't forget to treat yourselves once in a while though, we are not machines. It maybe a good idea to have those treats be given as part of the plan when you've accomplished a certain goal. So, make simple goals, encourage, and make it a win win situation for the both of you.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Jman34....you are in a situation of what I call "House Poor". In other words, the house mortgage eats up all of the money. There is nothing left for anything. This is no way to live. Been there brother. Not sure of your loan and if you are upside down in the home or there is some equity. Did you look into a refinance to a conventional loan at a much lower interest rate? Doing so will stop this crazy interest rate jump and your mortgage payment growing. It appears the mortgage is the problem and this can be address if you start looking at other loan options.


This. My husband and I bought a small house precisely because we didn't want to be house poor. 

OP, can you look at selling your home and downsizing? That could make a world of difference.

I don't understand spouses who stay at home yet do nothing around the house. I do not have to work because my husband does well financially and we don't have children. However, I do all the cooking and housework. It is only fair; whomever does not work outside the home needs to work within it.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Entitled princess syndrome. Complains about money but doesn't earn a bean. Forget writing down expenses, selling house etc, tell your wife to get a job or stfu and hit the road!


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

She cannot just sit there and say "I have a Masters degree" and "Oh dear, I cannot find a good job" and "When are we getting a new car and the bigger house?"
When your expenses are more than your income, then something has to give, OR she gets a job pronto.

She is fit and healthy so she has to find a job even if that is just cleaning or in McDonalds. 
She will not be the first graduate to have to accept low skilled work.
But the fact she has never really had a long term job, I guess is a big problem for you.
I think you may have to think of downsizing and getting that mortgage under control, else I guess, she may get pregnant again to make sure she doesn't have to go to work and you are then truly scuppered.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lon said:


> If he wants to go down in flames he can hand over responsibility of the finances to her.
> 
> He needs to take control of the expenditures.


Strangely, when I was married, the solution to ex-wife's spending problem was actually to hand over responsibility of finances to her.
Any problems, all the blame would fall on her. Thankfully she wised up and never had a problem since - until we divorced for other reasons.

Just saying it CAN work


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Agree with others - your wife seems pretty lazy and selfish.

But I think you are also partly to blame. You can't control or change her, but you can decide not to put up her [email protected] You've put up with it A LOT so now she has no real incentive or desire to pull her big girl pants up since you'll do nothing about it.

Stop being afraid of your wife.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Strangely, when I was married, the solution to ex-wife's spending problem was actually to hand over responsibility of finances to her.
> Any problems, all the blame would fall on her. Thankfully she wised up and never had a problem since - until we divorced for other reasons.
> 
> Just saying it CAN work


But in your case, did your ex's spending problems lead to you not being able to pay your bills? Or were they merely interpersonal issues that your solution solved? Sounds to me like it was a people problem not a money problem, whereas the OP on this thread is dealing with both.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

JMAN34 said:


> I have tried this. Many times. She still doesn't seem to grasp that we are broke. She then makes me feel bad when i have to say, "sorry, we can't get that right now". I then hear for the next week that WE ARE BROKE, WE HAVE NO MONEY. She even says these things in front of the kids to the point they worry about money now.


You are playing into this by even saying 'sorry, we can't get that right now.' How about instead, 'Yes, you need to get a job.'

I'd also suggest to stop taking hand-outs from her family too.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Just my two cents - I lived through that as well. When we got married we agreed that my ex would stay home with the kids. I worked a corporate job that paid me well enough to do that. We sacrificed a lot. Older cars, smaller house, etc.etc. We refinanced the first house three times. Sold it at a profit, bought a different house and refinanced that one two more times in the 24 years we were married. The corporate job was killing me, so I started my own business. I made way more money and had a lot more control of my time and felt like I had a new lease on life. Apparently my happiness didn't matter as much as a corporate ie steady paycheck did.

Over time my ex started to develop this entitlement mentaility, that she was entitled to a bigger house, a newer car, nicer clothes and all the other bells and whistles that went along with it including several expensive vacations a year (for her at least).

When the mortgage melt down it. My business was devastated and I had to file bankruptcy. Her way of "supporting me through this horrible time in my life was to tell me to do what I wanted to, she didn't want to know about it.

All I can say, is deal with this attitude now and stop being the nice guy. I tried it for years and the only thing I got was a larger burden with fewer rewards.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Time to sit the wife down when the kids are away or asleep and have a serious discussion on the future of your marriage as this is a serious problem. Ask her what her what is her perspective and what she thinks needs to be done? If her answer is "You need to make more money" instead of "I can pickup a job to help the family" then you have your answer. 

Unfortunately you married an entitled woman that think men were created to be a wage slave with minimal effort on her. Time to face the music and change the direction of your life for the better because brother, I have been there and IT NEVER gets better. Entitlement attitudes like this are deeply engrained and your enabling simply prolong the inevitable. Stop being a wage slave to an undeserving spouse.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It seems counterintuitive but control freaks don't always want control of the situation, they want control of the people managing the situation. They want power without accountability. My own scenario unraveled like that. We certainly agreed that family came first and she would do the home stuff. But as the years rolled on, it never ended. There was always some excuse some reason why she couldn't shift from homemaker to job-doer. The one constant was the ceaseless nonstop low level grumbling about money. Obsessed with money. Always counting other people's money, comparing their lives to ours. Well OF COURSE they just took a 3 week vacation to the Caribbean, darling, they have 2x our disposable income. That's part of WHY people work. 

At this point it's not germane whether all of this is a personality defect, an anxiety disorder, a martyr complex, fear of success, or just pure b^itchiness. Life has been lived and those years aren't coming back. In your scenario it can either be addressed or ignored. What does addressing it look like and what happens when or if she turns you down flat?


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

I feel your pain man, sounds like were married to the same woman lol. Mine has a real job now too. 

The logic only applies short term, mine goes back to the blame game again after 2-3 days.

Case in point. I SOLD a part off my car, in order to fix another broken part. The part I sold was more money than the one I bought.

I get grille because I didn't use ALL of the money to pay bills instead. The whole point was to fix something that was broken, not to sell the part just to have money.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Amazingly over the last few years of our marriage, my ex started making enough money that she was no longer dependent on me. Rather than help with the expenses, which could've made our lives much more secure and stable, she chose to fritter her money away on new clothes and more trips for her. I scrambled every month to pay for my daughter's college education, always wondering if the money was going to be there in time. Paying every bill at the very last moment I could because I never knew where the money might otherwise be needed. In the meantime she was upgrading her ward robe, getting $150 hair cuts, having girl's nite out, etc. She was having $200 a pay taken out of her paycheck to fund our daughter's wedding. When she left I checked the account and it had no money left in it, she had spent it all.


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## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Unfortunately even in marriage you just gotta be an *******. It sucks but i beleve to some extent a lot of woman has a manipulative selfish brat hiding in them somewhere. Deep down even though they will not admit it they know exactly what they are doing. People just sometimes need a wakeup calll..its amazing how suddenly they find a job and a carrer and take good care of their house when they get divoriced, none of which applied when they were married.


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