# Not sure what I should do



## BeyondConfused (Dec 29, 2009)

Hi all,
My partner of over 4 years told me a few weeks ago that somewhere in our relationship she lost who she was and that she needed to find herself. She said that she was going to move back into her parents house so she could sort some things out. In a way this really seemed like it was coming out of nowhere and when I asked how long she had been thinking about this, she told me that this was something that she had been battling since mid-October. I asked her why she didn't have enough faith in us to talk to me about it before the beginning of December and she said that she thought that if she tried to change some little things, that things would be fine. 

I have loved this woman with all of my heart since we met and I know that we have been fighting more frequently but I also feel that since my mother passed away a year and a half ago that I have been taking it out on her. I know that I should have gone to counseling to help with the grief process and that is something that I have to live with. I don't know when we stopped telling each other the little things like how much she means to me and how much I love her and how blessed I am to have my best friend as my lover....things like that. 

Since she told me that she needed a break and moved out, I found out that there is someone else in the picture. Someone who has a track record of really unhealthy relationships and I'm afraid that she is going to get hurt not just by this other person but also because this person coaches with her at a small town school. I know that if I say these things to her, she will not only listen to what I have to say, but it will also push her closer to this person.

Even if I take this other person out of the equation, I can accept the fact that we were probably headed towards this "break", but is still hard to accept that "she loves me, but she isn't currently in love with me". I am trying like crazy to give her the space that she says that she needs but it is extremely hard not to fight for "us". She told me that she would call or text me everyday to check on me and our dog, but I told her that since this is what she wanted as far as space, then for her to check-in more frequently than once a week would be pointless. At this point she hasn't said that there isn't a time-frame and that she doesn't want to lead me on but is this her way of saying that things are over between us without actually saying the words?

Right now, I am taking this time to focus on me and become a healthier person both physically and mentally. I know that we will have to have some sort of a relationship because of our dog, but how do I do that? I have so many unanswered questions and I'm not sure they will ever be answered because I don't think that she can answer them either at this point. One of the major questions is if she ever really loved me and how was it so easy for her to just walk away after 4 years. 

I know this is long-winded and I apologize but I wonder if anyone out there has any advice that they would care to share.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey, hoenstly I think you need to let her go. People do all sorts of things not to have to say hurtful things..but actions speak louder than words...it will take some time to heal...but your instincts are sound - no contact is thw way to go 
I would even work towards less than once a week 
why does she want to touch base at all?
she may not be able to say that she has made a decision - but she has. 

It is time for you! 
Cut your losses and start over.


----------



## BeyondConfused (Dec 29, 2009)

I agree that I should cut my losses, but after 4 years I know its not going to happen overnight. The reason for the contact at all is because of the dog. The dog is actually hers but because she moved back home her parents won't allow the dog unless she spends her time in a crate. We are both extremely attached to the dog so I guess you could say that she has visiting rights. I am glad however that we did not decide to start a family because I can only imagine how much more would be involved.
I think I am also getting to the point that maybe I don't miss her as much as I thought I did but rather I miss the concept of us and the relationship. We were set up by friends because neither one of us were really into the bar scene as well as putting ourselves out there. Maybe with my new found outlet of working out and keeping myself busy will it help me gain my confidence back and build my self-esteem. 

I also have to look at the fact that I am only 32 years old and this was my first long-term relationship. I know I will find someone out there who will treat me the way that I should be treated and be happy.

I do care a lot for her and I'm sure I always will but I have to resolve myself to know that we will probably better as friends than we ever were as lovers.
Thanks for your reply, I needed an opinion from someone on the outside looking in.


knortoh said:


> Hey, hoenstly I think you need to let her go. People do all sorts of things not to have to say hurtful things..but actions speak louder than words...it will take some time to heal...but your instincts are sound - no contact is thw way to go
> I would even work towards less than once a week
> why does she want to touch base at all?
> she may not be able to say that she has made a decision - but she has.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

