# What is your definition of a emotional affair?



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Title says it all


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

An EA happens when a person turns to someone besides their spouse or significant other to share their innermost thoughts, hopes, dreams, etc.This usually is accompanied by a marked decrease in meaningful communication with the spouse or SO.

It happens when that person engages in exchanges with that other person that would make the spouse or SO uncomfortable if they were privy to them. (especially flirtations, or sexual innuendo)(hence, the secrecy)

An EA is happening when the OP is getting more quality attention than the spouse or SO is. The BS is often left in the dark, wondering if they did something wrong,wondering why their partner seems distant, distracted. The BS starts to feel short-changed.

To quote an old friend,


"The other person is getting the pork chop, and you're just getting the bone....."

Well, that skims the surface to answer your question,FSW.
(The Cliff Notes version...)


I never even heard the term, "Emotional Affair" until a few years ago. I was discussing my discomfort about my SO's female friend, with one of my friends, and she said,"Oh, he's having an emotional affair..........."

"What????":scratchhead: She didn't explain it very well, so I was prompted to start reading and researching---and yep, it fit my scenario to a "T".

It's a heartbreaking thing to experience. I would of preferred that my SO would've had a ONS to the emotional hell I went through.

Finally See Why---if you're seeking a deeper understanding about EAs, I'd highly recommend reading _Not Just Friends_ by Shirley Glass. It's very comprehensive.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Developing a strong emotional connection with another person that causes your connection with your spouse to suffer.

As I type that, I'm wondering what if you form a strong emotional bond with someone else but it does not take anything away from your marriage / primary relationship?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You know, defining infidelity can be tough because it's not "having sex with someone other than your spouse"...and you can't really say it's "having an emotional attachment to someone other your spouse" because we're attached to our grandparents! 

I actually did write an article about it on my Infidelity Examiner page (If you want a link PM me but otherwise I'm just talking ) and I defined being UNFAITHFUL by looking up what the word "faithful" meant, and in the end here's how I defined it: 

_"...acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)."_

We could nitpick all day over whether or not married people can have friends of the opposite sex, about privacy, or about going out "with the guys or gals" alone until all hours of the evening...but in the end, here's the question: "Are you behaving in a way that so that your affection and loyalty are dedicated to only your spouse--to whom loyalty is due?"


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

I personally think it is a thin line... I mean I personally keep in contact with an ex of mine from a relationship when i was 14, so i dunno if you can even count it. it was never a sexual relationship either, just mostly friends, and yea some kissing. but fastforward 10 yrs into the present, he's married w/ a child (his wife knows we still talk), i'm married w/ a child and one on the way (dh knows we still talk also). It's never anything sexual or inappropriate, just basically keeping in touch w/ one another, like hey hows your daughter doing? hows the job going? stuff like that. i do NOT classify THAT as an emotional affair. however my DH just recently had a PA & a brief EA with the same lady... he didn't even know her previous to us, to me it hurt more that he slept w/ someone and then tried to keep in contact with them instead of just a one night stand. both would equally hurt, but it's just a diff level.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I agree Jitterbug and Nice777guy........the term gets thrown around way too much these days. It seems like anything and everything is considered a emotional affair! I would classify the description you "guys/gals" gave as 100% accurrate!

It's not just anyone from the opposite sex even if it is a ex that may inappropriate, but it's not automatically a EA like many are saying these days.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

An emotional affair is when a spouse secretly has a personal relationship (no sex) with someone of the opposite sex. They talk to each other on a regular basis, one has been invited to the other's home. If it goes on for a number of years, the spouse and AP have now bonded with each other and have no intention of ending the friendship/relationship. The longer it goes on, touching, kissing and hugging will result. Eventually, sex will come into play which in alot of cases will end the special relationship they had at first. Some will have the sex first and decide it wasnt a good idea and choose to just be friends instead and stay that way.

My husband had a 10 year EA with a fellow coworker. In the 2 years since our first D-Day, I'm not totally certain that they have stopped contact. I got a feeling that they cant.

30 years ago, I had sex with a married coworker once. We decided it wasnt a good idea and chose to be friends only and the only thing we've exchanged since then is an occasional hug and conversation every couple of months or so. Now I don't consider this an emotional affair because I have no feelings for him and talk to him so seldom, there's no time to develop anything.

Now my husband talked to his OW several times a day, 7 days a week and I know he's been to her house. After 10 years, I personally think they are in love with each other but he denies it. I've invited him to leave the marriage and be with her but he doesnt want to. They have a bond from communicating so long and I think its going to be very difficult for them break away from each other.

Emotional affairs suck.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Lars...men never have EA's...they have 'TUYGIPA's'..'Talk Until You Get IN Panty Affairs' which then become PA's..


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

2daugthers-that is exactly what I call it....well I call it 'feel it out till they see an opening'


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

finally..that's a good one..and nicer...but the intent is the same...I wonder what it's called when a woman starts the stalking as it has happened to me (honestly).


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I desperately need attention and he must be a great guy because he is married. I will play with him for awhile because I know he will be super excited to get attention


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

To a 'T' on that one finally:smthumbup:


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Oh I probably should add....

I will string him alone in a fantasy world with the hopes of hitting this piece of ass BUT once he finally decides to take the leap I wont be interested. I mean COME ON he always has to be picking up his kids and stuff and for some reason he has to give that ***** all his money.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

You know what sucks about that?...is that sometimes they stay interested and keep on stalking..Finally..I have a question to ask you because I'm wondering if it is a natural feeling I have all the time...do you find yourself thinking about certain points in your last relationship when you can pinpoint a time where if you had only chosen a different way to answer your spouses question or react in a different way you would have?..I know it's off topic.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

YEP, there is 3 that have been really sticking out to me the last couple of days and they were so silly but then also somewhat a turning point. The really messed up thing is they were really just times when I 'popped' off. My mouth has gotten me in trouble more times then I can ever realized. What is really messed up is that when I SHOULD of spoke up I keep quite and keep it inside but I had no problem pounding silly things into the ground.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Keeping quite sucks...my problem looking back...1 1/2 mos before she dropped the bomb we were driving in the mountains going to our hotel room I had booked for her birthday..on the way she put on this country song (you might know it) and she said "listen to this song, it reminds me of you"..the song was 'I ain't as good as I once was but I'm just as good once as I ever was"...looking back (at least I think) she was telling me 'no matter what you think about yourself I'm happy with what you give me'...of course I took it the wrong way again.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Lasr60637 said:


> An emotional affair is when a spouse secretly has a personal relationship (no sex) with someone of the opposite sex. They talk to each other on a regular basis, one has been invited to the other's home. If it goes on for a number of years, the spouse and AP have now bonded with each other and have no intention of ending the friendship/relationship. The longer it goes on, touching, kissing and hugging will result. Eventually, sex will come into play which in alot of cases will end the special relationship they had at first. Some will have the sex first and decide it wasnt a good idea and choose to just be friends instead and stay that way.
> 
> My husband had a 10 year EA with a fellow coworker. In the 2 years since our first D-Day, I'm not totally certain that they have stopped contact. I got a feeling that they cant.
> 
> ...


This is the part I disagree with.......if it's just this and nothing else I don't believe it's a emotional affair....if the frequency isn't there. When all of the other things start happening that you mentioned.... well then of course it is. 

I talked to one of my exes 4 times in a month years ago......I wasn't having a "affair" even though my wife didn't know......I didn't devulge the info because it would have been a fight. I haven't talked to the EX in over 10 years and doubt I ever will.

Just talking once a month, couple of months, or years may be "inappropriate" if the spouse wouldn't approve, but a affair it is not.


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## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

OhGeesh said:


> Just talking once a month, couple of months, or years may be "inappropriate" if the spouse wouldn't approve, but a affair it is not.


I agree. Its an affair when you talk 5-7 times a day, 7 days a week early in the morning, super late at night. When the spouse disappears in the evening and doesnt come home till the wee hours of the morning. Thats an emotional affair and probably a PA too.

Emotional affairs are secret relationships. If you just talked to someone every now and then and you are not "pining" away about that person - then no, its not an emotional affair.


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