# Spending holidays apart after an affair



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

For background, I found out about my partner's cheating 12 weeks ago. We have been doing a good job rebuilding our relationship in therapy and I am hopeful that we can come out of this stronger. However I need input on dealing with an upcoming challenge.

We always spend Christmas with our families that are in different states. We're not religious or sentimental about the holiday so we don't mind being apart for it, but obviously this year is different. The last time I went home to visit family, my partner spent the week at the OW's house. He confessed the A two days after I got back. The whole time, I would speak to him every night - he would go outside her apartment to call me and I had no idea. So I am not exactly comfortable with us being apart because I associate it with him freely lying to me. I have not regained trust in him yet, and even when I do I don't know if I can ever 100% trust that nothing will ever happen again.

He wants to do whatever he can to reassure me that he has changed. He's offered to not go out except to "approved" friends or family members houses where he will call me and let me speak to them to verify where he is, or call from home and do something like set off our alarm clock so I know he's actually there. I don't know if any of this is going to be enough to make me comfortable. 

Does anyone have advice about how to deal with being apart on the holidays?


----------



## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Owl,

Sounds like you got a handle on it.

Total transparency, he should be reachable by the minute if it makes you comfortable.

Bravo, a most logical post.


----------



## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

LuvMyH said:


> It seems to me, that since the holidays will be here so soon after the A coming to light- maybe he should sacrifice and go with you this year?


I thought about that. However, his grandmother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and this may well be their last Christmas together. I can't ask him to not be there for her. It would be easier for me to actually stay with him, but I already did that for Thanksgiving and since I only see my family a few times a year I can't justify missing Christmas.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think the holidays are a tough one and I can see why the doubt but I guess you have to take that leap of faith in re-building and trusting, I guess you have to believe he means what he says.....it's tough and it might happen every year or in a lot of situations....you will drive yourself crazy thinking you have to watch him non stop...all you can do is try and hopefully over time the doubt will lessen.....good luck


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Rebuilding trust can be difficult and takes time. Things like this are a great big book mark on the affair. Continue the tradition of spending the holidays with your own families. When he calls, ask to speak with other family members to wish them a happy holiday. Then you will know he is there.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Go to his family for the Holidays - and plan moving the next holiday to your family. IF you stick together for the long hall other life issues (good hopefully) will require you to be together. Sounds to me like the time is now - if he's worth it. I come from a similar place. You won't be doing the holidays apart forever will you? Your family will understand - especially if you explain that the relationship needs it. I had to call my family the day before xmas and almost uninvite them, but instead just warned them that things 'weren't good' and to just please not ask and please know it was a hard time, but that 'we love each other and are really trying to work it out.' family understands. Don't worry about anyone else. Do what YOU want to do and if you feel better not being apart (I can't blame you), then don't be apart. Go to great grandma - and make your partner treat you like a rock star. He's got work to do. YOU deserve it.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree totally with StillInShock. We have rotated since the beginning, and when we had kids we even threw in one year at his, one at mine and one with just us and our children. Works nicely. 

You sound like you are handling it all very well, so talk it over with the husband and see what he thinks about rotating years like that.


----------

