# Can't stop flirting



## bobman500

I have been in a happy relationship for about 18 months, and have been married for around a month. I love her more than anything, and can't wait to have kids, settle into a lovely home, the whole shibbang.

The only problem is, when I was younger, I spent a lot of time online, flirting on chatrooms and instant messengers. I actually met my wife on a dating site.

She tends to go to sleep quite early, and I have insomnia, so I spend time on my computer, and sometimes end up flirting with someone like I used to. It is, well, not innocent, but I mean it would never actually go anywhere. I would never be interested in meeting them or anything, it is mainly because I often have low self-esteem, and it makes me feel momentarily better thinking that there are people out there who would be interested in me if I were single.

My wife has caught me before, and has given me chances, and found out today that, like an idiot, I have done it again, and has given me my absolute 'one more time and you are out the house' warning. I know she is serious, and I am even thinking of getting therapy to show how serious I am.

What I really want to know is how I can prove to her that it won't happen again, and make her trust me like she used to. 

I love her more than anything in the world, and I want her to be as happy with me as I am with her.


----------



## marga88

You're case depends on your self control. If you really wanna to change for the sake of your wife then discipline yourself by not doing it, keep away from temptations if possible. Avoid eye to contact with them and try to focus yourself to a productive family matters activities. Try to have a date with your wife as often as you want to build your trust with her again. Give her surprises and invite her sometimes to your office affairs if you're allowed to bring your spouse. I think building closeness your wife will help you strengthen your relationship with her and will hep you gain her trust again.


----------



## unbelievable

Bobman,

Imagine her sitting at the computer, flirting with other men. How would it make you feel? Whenever I'm tempted to flirt, I always ask myself what I would expect from my wife if she were in my situation. If it would make me feel bad, I won't do it to her.


----------



## dblkman

dude you should not be thinking about getting therapy, you should go ahead and DO IT. this will go a long way to prove to your wife you are serious about quitting.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

Get therapy, and avoid the computer when she's not awake and around. Read a book, watch a movie, do something else. Or at least stay away from the chat rooms and the instant messengers. Maybe consider installing parental controls that your wife has the password to so that chat rooms and such can be blocked.


----------



## MRB

The only way she'll trust you is if you prove that you have stopped. Which means STOP! Beginning therapy would be amazing. She would instantly feel like things were getting better. I know that's how I'd feel. Trust takes awhile to rebuild so keep being good and eventually she'll stop being suspicious.


----------



## Faithful`

Y don't u try getting her to help u with this addiction? Create new email accounts under alias names and send each other flirty emails. Or perhaps just sms's? Role play that u r cheating partners and ask her things like "is ur husband home". Even though neither of u r cheating, the thrill of something new or being with someone else might help focus ur flirting energy on ur wife instead of perfect strangers. 

Hope that helps!


----------



## unbelievable

How do you prove you're serious? A great place to start would be to stop logging on to those kinds of sites. How easy is that? You might try getting up earlier or hitting the gym so you end up ready for bed the same time she is. Reading is a great way to fall asleep. Probably the best way to fix your problem, though, is to imagine your wife exchanging the same sorts of emails, texts, and chats with some other guy. Anytime I'm tempted to be a little flirty, I just imagine how I'd feel if my wife did or said what I was considering. How would I feel if she logged onto a singles site and identified herself as single and looking for a guy? If you just treat your wife with the same respect and loyalty you expect, you'll be ok.


----------



## Rob774

Methinks Bob's neglect of further responses translates into him being "out of the house." Sorry Bob that you couldn't fight it.


----------



## RayTroop

I have a problem with flirting. I’m married and love my wife but I just can’t stop chatting online or being a females friend. It don’t always have to be sexual in convo, but can talk about anything that she likes or like to hear. My wife is pretty pissed right now and talking about leaving but I told her that it’s a addiction I have to fix. I’ve text, email, phone etc to woman in other states far away. They sent pics and I’ve sent pics but I told my wife I’m willing to go to therapy and stop this before I lose my family over some bull****. I just love women and love to talk to them. Don’t have to do nothing to them in the flesh at all. I guess it’s the mental stimulation that a female get when you say what she like to hear when it’s not in her life at that time. Well thank you for allowing me to share and pray for me.


----------



## RandomDude

This is actually a notable issue, it seems most people can't handle it either due to insecurity or that they feel disrespected etc.

I've always been a flirt, I even flirt with the missus' friends in front of them (especially when drunk), but you have to make sure it's "fun-flirting" not "flirting". There is a difference, one is just joking around and having fun, the other is leading to something else. As long as there's trust and a clear understanding between couples it won't be an issue.

I actually encouraged the missus to flirt around with other guys and be a tease as to me it's kinda like me having hot car showing off the rims, body kit, etc (but too bad, I drive it hehe!) - and it makes her 10x hotter then she already is. Since marriage she has taken the 'good girl' attitude in this specifically however, no fun.
And expects the same -.-

Blah, I don't think it's an addiction or some crap like that, nor do I think there should be some sort of "therapy" because this is just part of our personality - right fellas?


----------



## RayTroop

Yeah I feel you on everything you posted. I know it's not nothing that therapy should be involved but to build trust and love back from wife I will go throgh the hoops. Like I told her, yes since I was younger I always flirted with females, and know what they think, want etc. I don't want nothing from it but convo. Yes sometimes the convo can be heated (sexual) but they're 100, 500, 1000 miles away sometimes online. I'm going to stop just can't say when. 

When I flirt without her knowing it's a problem, but when I flirt and we get free stuff or extra service when out eating, or shopping etc. it's all good. haha


----------



## RandomDude

> When I flirt without her knowing it's a problem, but when I flirt and we get free stuff or extra service when out eating, or shopping etc. it's all good. haha


Yeah what's with that eh lol! Heh



> Yeah I feel you on everything you posted. I know it's not nothing that therapy should be involved but to build trust and love back from wife I will go throgh the hoops. Like I told her, yes since I was younger I always flirted with females, and know what they think, want etc. I don't want nothing from it but convo. Yes sometimes the convo can be heated (sexual) but they're 100, 500, 1000 miles away sometimes online. I'm going to stop just can't say when.


Aye, it's a trust issue, also a respect issue in my case. Hell I'm wondering whether I should make a thread on it in general section. But I don't know. Personally I don't think flirting is an addiction and shouldn't really be considered one, but meh...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Bonman never came back, but I wonder if his wife flirted with him, probably did at 1st & it slowly went downhill, I suspect. I feel that would have been his only needed medicine. Maybe she started slacking once she knew she "HAD" him , the engagement/wedding ring slipped on the finger, as it often goes. 

My opionion on this topic is : If a person is normally very Verbal , open & expressive to begin with - if you couple this with a HIGH raging Sex Drive - it is simply INEVITABLE for them to stuff their flirting nature down. So if they are married, hopefully thier partners enjoy this & will engage in it, lavish on them. Best medicine there is. If we are enjoying this at home (in texts, desirous comments throughout the day, in the bedroom), we should have no need to engage in it elsewhere. 

I have been on both sides of this, used to despise flirting, would want to slap a guy if he came on to me in the wrong way, I cared more to be appreciated for "my mind" ....but now I LOVE flirting, cant get enough. IT is FUN, it is sexual , and it leads to many good things! 

We should keep our flirting to our spouses though! This will keep us out of trouble.


----------



## COGypsy

I think what's lacking in the discussion here is clarification about the line between "flirting" and "sexting/cybersex". Two entirely different things.

It's one thing totally to be flattering and flirtatious and bat your eyes (love that Latisse!) to get your way, lol. It's entirely another to stay up all night and tell someone how you'd like to see them while they cum. Crude, I know and I apologize, but I think you get my drift.

Frankly, I'm a huge flirt. If I need something from a high shelf, I ask my friend's husband and tell him that I couldn't possibly do it without someone big and tall like him to help little ol' me... It's outrageous and fun and we all enjoy it. My husband rolls his eyes and everyone laughs. It doesn't make anyone feel obligated, or awkward or creepy.

Now I have on occasion crossed the line admittedly and that's entirely different. Frankly, the motivation switches from fun and humor to someplace slightly south of the belly button at that point, if you know what I mean....and I'm thinking that when you're up until all hours in chat rooms and on IM, that's probably where the real problem is. That kind of "flirting" is a far greater threat to the security of a relationship.

It's all in the shades of meaning, I think....


----------



## angela85

Why you have computer at home anyway? If it is not really important why not give it away. Maybe that way she will relized that you are serious of not doing it again.  Have self control.


----------



## par72

I am sorry, but if you want to flirt, do it with a doll. You need to have more respect for you wife. How would you feel if she was flirting with other men?


----------



## Lazarus

You will lose your wife.

She's told you how it makes her unhappy. 

You listened but didn't act. Now you are on a last warning. 

She doesn't trust you anymore. You earned that loss of trust flirting with fantasy women on the net whilst you neglected the real thing. 

Solution? 

Delete and ban the sites NOW, immediately from your computer.
Do it in front of her.
Both of you need to find a programme to ban the sites from your computer. You are addicted and can't be trusted since you are likely to reestablish the links.

Ask her for help. Tell her you love her and if you can afford it, get therapy.

If you don't rid yourself from this social flirting immediately your relationship is done; your future dreams gone, your joint home lost, your joint finances in turmoil and you are then on your way to a real (not fantasy) rollercoaster of emotions.

If you truly cared for her and how she felt about this fantasy life you would have acted right away when it was first raised by your wife. 

You are now on wake up call. Time is short. She may have already checked out of your relationship. Has she gone quiet? Become withdrawn? Loss of affection towards you? Sex reduced or off the menu? Telltale signs usually after realising her message hasn't got through to you and feels helpless and hopeless; hence final warning. 

Get it sorted before it is too late.


----------



## Lazarus

Hey.....

update!

Did it get sorted?


----------



## akasephiroth

take my advice from someone who is/has been in your wifes shoes. You may not see this as cheating but to her it is just a different type of cheating. You made a commitment to your wife that flirts and such are ment for her and her only if you where not ready for that you should not have made those commitment's. The way me and my wife fixed her problem was simple.

1. Relize you have the problem
2. get on flirt with someone get them intrested and then tell them your married. if they stay intrested ask yourself what would you feel like if a man was intrested in your wife knowing shes married. (it may not sound like it but turst me that hits home harder then just thinking of a man wanting your wife)
3. sit your wife down tell her your self esteem problems and do like me and my wife now does. (my wife is shy when it comes to flirting with me face to face or anyone for that mater) so sit down get your wife a pc if she dont have her own and do a weeklly sex/flirt chat with your wife who is sitting in the same room trust me you will both enjoy it.


----------



## LilandNadsDad

1000 good deeds are erased with one bad one. In order to gain her trust back, you will need to prove it with 1000 good deeds for each time you proved yourself wrong. Without a calculator, I would say you are deep in debt. The way you are proving it, I would recommend you travel light and have your bags packed and ready to go. I am a guy and I don't trust your promises. Your insomnia may be linked to your addiction; how convenient it gives you the opportunity. Downplaying it by calling it flirting is in my opinion, borderline denial. You are your own worst enemy. Sorry. Start by being serious. Get rid of the internet connection entirely, or connect it to a timer so it shuts off at HER bedtime for starters. BTW, you may want to consider taking up flirting with your wife when SHE goes to bed. Remember her? She just may cure your insomnia. Prove that SHE is more attractive to you than your cyber women are.


----------



## rolltidemom86

Its an addiction, many suffer from even i do. Therapy is my first option, insomnia is a big role in it, i can't sleep but maybe 3 hours a night,nothing my boyfriend did was wrong he gives me plenty of attention, and i've never physically cheated on him, just flirting online to two guys, because i was bored and they found me attractive and i got an ego boost, i knew it was wrong but did it anyway and now i face the consequences. i choose to seek help for it, i don't want to lose my boyfriend,and if he wanted me to turn the net off i would,i'd do anything to make him happy,he just says i have earn his trust back which is understandable


----------



## Jellybeans

bobman500 said:


> What I really want to know is how I can prove to her that it won't happen again, and make her trust me like she used to.



You do this by showing it her through actions. But stopping your cheating. And yes, it's cheating. By committing to a change and putting it into action.

My husband used to do this and it broke my heart. We're divorced now.

Oh and now I see this thread was brought back from the dead. The OP posted and ran. I hate that!


----------



## annagarret

Maybe move the computer to your bedroom, that way you can't go on it while she is asleep, or get a sleep aide so you can go to bed at the same time as your wife and just DO IT, your marriage is at stake. If your wife leaves you then you will have all the time and women in the world to flirt with? Is that what you want?


----------



## cisco7931

I'd suggest you flirt with your wife... That would be a pretty creative way of dealing with this... And yes, you need therapy since you have admitted anyway that you have low self-esteem...

Its too early in this marriage to have issues like that, give you and your spouse time to go through the honeymoon stage and not jump right into marital issues such as these... I tell you, if you don't do anything to solve this now, this will snowball before you know it...


----------

