# His children are rude and obnoxious -- even after I buy them dinner or be nice...



## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

Need some advice. 

My fiance and I have been together for 3 years and he has 3 children. He's never been close with them since we have been together. I would be his 3rd wife....and it appears a lot of the distance began when he divorced his second wife, as well.

Let's just say this: When we met -- his oldest lived an hour away at his parents house (still does) and we would barely see his other 2 kids -- for dinner every other weekend.

He likes to tell me that they don't spend time with him because of ME. But, my therapist and my own brain has shown that's not the sole reason...

We have had problems. He even left me for 6 weeks (after 2 years together) and I KNOW he told them horrible things about me. I just recently learned some of this.

To my problem: His 17 year old daughter is a problem. She has been arrested for marijuana and she is dating a complete loser. She is VERY smart and has so much potential but she is rude, destructive and anti social. And her boyfriend is a nightmare. This girl has over a 4.0 and now wants to avoid going to college because her boyfriend is working at a smoothie shop and things college is annoying. 


She has avoided getting a job because doesn't want to be drug tested. She believes marijuana is no problem.

MY ISSUE is she is very disrespectful. She is rude to everyone but very bad to me. She won't speak to my fiance nicely and is very rude. I try to swallow it but it's tough. She is just mean.

I've offered to take her to go get nails done....she doesn't reply. I offer to have her over for dinner...she doesn't reply.

My Fiance with my encouragement will invite her....she's very aloof.

Okay so today is father day. I had dinner at our place yesterday --- i got steaks etc...and had his entire family. she was quiet and rude to even her grandparents. She was silent unless spoken to and very short when she had to answer anything.

We invited her to a restaurant today .... she got there before my fiance. I tried to talk to her and she wouldn't speak I asked her when she needs to start doing apps for college....and she just kept saying "i don't know" and didn't look at me.

After we were leaving, I asked her if she wanted to walk into a jewelry store with me...she said "no".

I said "ok". I fiinally told my fiance I can't take her disrespect anymore. I paid for her meal yesterday....and her meal today....and she didn't even bring a father's day card to him! NOTHING

He is currently planning a 4 day beach vaca with them...we all have to drive 10 hours with them. I am not okay with this. She is rude. I don't know if I can deal with this anymore.. 

I told him that he needs to stand up to her...for himself and for me. He said if he does she won't even hang out.

THEN he told me that she was JUST FINE when we broke up and told him that he shouldn't get back with me and that she will never "like me or be nice to me".


I am pissed. I've said nothing. I have internalized all of this. I want to scream but I'm tyring to see if my reaction is normal or correct.

So....I ask... what's normal here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It would be easy to say "Oh she's a brat/what a rude *****" etc. etc. Then you remember that this girl and her siblings have been through not one, but two divorces. One is bad enough, but two? Those kids would be badly damaged from that. It's likely a case of be rude to you, so that the two of you won't form a relationship, become attached to each other and then she loses you too.

If I were in your position I would be very wary of marrying your fiance. He's been divorced twice, and neither marriage lasted very long apparently. From what you've written it sounds like he doesn't treat you that well.

Re the children, all you can do is continue to be nice - but stop buying them things. You teach people how treat you.

What you really need to ask yourself is, can you live like this? Because this is how it will always be.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You would be #3.

I'd back up and think a bit before getting into this mess.

You can't fix those problems


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## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

Several points here

I buy things because I'm trying to help my fiance.....and make his weekend nice. 
And they can't even both to have a card?

His oldest daughter (his favorite) and the one he constantly says I am jealous of (not true!)

didn't show up for father's day. Gave him nothing and told him that it was raining so she felt it was unsafe to travel. She's 24. And that's INSANE> 


The other point: his vacation. he thinks that's going to bring us all together? she won't even speak to me when I'm buying her steaks 2 days in a row...and inviting her to walk down to a jewlery story when her dad is picking up his coffee.. none of this works.

Would you go on vaca with that?? Would you stay another day? I hear what you are saying about the big picutre...




frusdil said:


> It would be easy to say "Oh she's a brat/what a rude *****" etc. etc. Then you remember that this girl and her siblings have been through not one, but two divorces. One is bad enough, but two? Those kids would be badly damaged from that. It's likely a case of be rude to you, so that the two of you won't form a relationship, become attached to each other and then she loses you too.
> 
> If I were in your position I would be very wary of marrying your fiance. He's been divorced twice, and neither marriage lasted very long apparently. From what you've written it sounds like he doesn't treat you that well.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ercccido said:


> Several points here
> 
> I buy things because I'm trying to help my fiance.....and make his weekend nice.
> And they can't even both to have a card?
> ...


I'm a stepmum, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. The thing is, none of these issues are of your making. The stage was set long before you ever came into the picture. There's nothing you can do to change any of this, except set boundaries for yourself, and the way you are treated.

There is no way in hades I would go on that vacation. But in all honestly, I'd rethink this whole thing. You need to ask yourself whether you can live the rest of your life with things the way they are now. Not how you'd like them to be, or how they could be if a,b or c happened, but how they are NOW.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Is this an episode of the Kardashians, season three?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you think life is bad now just wait until you marry him. 

Don't.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Nope, I would NOT go on vacation with them at all. Too uncomfortable and you would not have fun at all.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You want him to side with you. He won't. His kids are his blood, you are just lady #3. 

His kids don't have to accept you. Can you accept that? If not, I'd reconsider the entire situation.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There is a reason you will be his third wife.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You can't fix this. They are rude even to HIM, so what makes you think they would even be the slightest bit nice to YOU? It's not you -- they are taking out their issues with the father and his divorces with you. HE won't stand up to them for himself and he won't for you. I just don't see this getting better for you (OR HIM, but he is willing to put up with this treatment so that he doesn't lose talking to them completely). Sorry you are dealing with this.


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## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

The truth is we are rarely around these kids. They never come around and even when he can see them, he doesn’t make a huge effort. 

The only times it seems to matter is when it’s a holiday or his bday and he realizes how awful she is. 

I just can’t believe how today has blown up. We had late lunch with them. We came home and walked the dog and he sat down and began working. I was watching tv next to him and i had a glass of wine and fell asleep. 

Next thing i knew he was over me waking me up and said i slept for 3 hours. That’s not true in the end. It was about an hour and half. 

I was very mad and said i ruined his father day and that most men would just leave and go out since i was sleeping. 

He went on and on about how i am a problem And he’s sick of living like this. 

I started to cry and he said I’m just trying to cause problems and I’m ungrateful because he is paying for this vacation. (I cost nothing but my food which I’ll pay!) 

He has 3 kids. I am no extra $$$$

He says that he loves me. But i need to change


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## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

He keeps saying he is so frustrated with me and he just can’t relax around me and that I ruin everything for him. He said that the celebration yesterday with his entire family (which i bought food and paid for) was very unsettling for him and that it’s been 3 years and this just doesn’t get better. (He seemed fine during this Cook out) he blames me because i asked later to maybe request they speak English more Arojbd me


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ercccido said:


> He likes to tell me that they don't spend time with him because of ME. But, my therapist and my own brain has shown that's not the sole reason...
> 
> We have had problems. He even left me for 6 weeks (after 2 years together) and I KNOW he told them horrible things about me. I just recently learned some of this.


^^THIS.^^ So tell me why you are staying with this man. I'd really like to know why you'd want to be involved or even consider marrying someone who doesn't have your back.

Your problems are a lot more serious than his bratty 17-year-old daughter. Seriously.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ercccido said:


> He keeps saying ... I ruin everything for him. ... it’s been 3 years and this just doesn’t get better.


If ANY man spoke to me this way, he'd be saying it to my back as I walked out the door for good.

He doesn't respect or love you. I would suggest you collect what is left of your self-respect/self-esteem (if you still have any) and quickly leave this relationship.

You have wasted three years. I wouldn't even waste another three minutes on this crap.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

ercccido said:


> He keeps saying he is so frustrated with me and he just can’t relax around me and that I ruin everything for him. He said that the celebration yesterday with his entire family (which i bought food and paid for) was very unsettling for him and that it’s been 3 years and this just doesn’t get better. (He seemed fine during this Cook out) he blames me because i asked later to maybe request they speak English more Arojbd me


You need to listen to and accept what he is telling you, you do not make him happy and he doesn't enjoy being with you. 

Why continue to force yourself into a situation where you're not wanted? I'm not saying the bad dynamics are your fault, but you are trying to make a happy family with people that don't like or respect you. 

I know a three year relationship is difficult to walk away from but what's your motivation to keep on trying? Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Are you willing to live stressed and unhappy? Unloved and unappreciated? Time for you to exit.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm going to have to ask you the same question I asked another woman around your age who was thinking of marrying some ass-hole who STILL can't get his **** together and is working on Wife #3.

Do you live on a remote island and this guy is the *ONLY* one left on the island to marry? 

I'd stick my damned foot in a bear trap before dealing with some guy's nasty, rude, ungrateful, self-indulged little teenage 'princess' and his other spawn. You know why? Because 10 years from now you'll STILL be footing the bill for her and the chances are very high that she and her 2 or 3 kids from different fathers will likely be living with you because she can't afford to live on her own.

Ahh, Nirvana.

There isn't a man on this PLANET worth _*that*_.

You'll see. Go ahead and marry Father of the Year and THAT will be your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not really interested in you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was going to post same as @Prodigal... 

Why in the hell are you with a man who would speak badly of you to his children?? Or to anyone, for that matter! NO MAN is worth the crap you are being faced with. Do yourself a favor and let this ass go.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

ercccido said:


> Need some advice.
> 
> He likes to tell me that they don't spend time with him because of ME. But, my therapist and my own brain has shown that's not the sole reason...
> 
> ...


Answering your question: NOTHING. Nothing is normal in this family. On top of this, your presence is not desired let alone appreciated in this mess of a dysfunctional man and his kids. 

Why are you staying with him? GET OUT. You deserve much better.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ercccido said:


> The truth is we are rarely around these kids. They never come around and even when he can see them, he doesn’t make a huge effort.
> 
> The only times it seems to matter is when it’s a holiday or his bday and he realizes how awful she is.
> 
> ...





ercccido said:


> He keeps saying he is so frustrated with me and he just can’t relax around me and that I ruin everything for him. He said that the celebration yesterday with his entire family (which i bought food and paid for) was very unsettling for him and that it’s been 3 years and this just doesn’t get better. (He seemed fine during this Cook out) he blames me because i asked later to maybe request they speak English more Arojbd me


Your boyfriend is extremely abusive, and there is something in YOU that needs to be liked, loved, and accepted. That's the kind of woman who tolerates abuse for years on end. So that is something you have to recognize about yourself. A strong woman who is not so needy and not so desperate for love and acceptance wouldn't put up with any of this. I ask you to start getting counseling before marrying this man. A good counselor can help you straighten all this out in your head so you can see it for what it really is. You talk about how awful his daughter's boyfriend is, but your boyfriend is the exact same abusive and controlling jerk. The difference between you and her is that HER boyfriend is not your problem. Your own boyfriend is your problem, and he is a problem you need to get rid of just like you think she should get rid of hers. 

It's a normal human tendency to look at other people's situation from the outside with judgment and surety that we know how they should solve their problems, but we can't see our own problems and have no idea how to solve our own problems - and there is no effort to solve our own problems in the same fashion we think others should solve theirs. It's the great hypocracy of life and living. It's our judgmental nature. Stop being so overly concerned about her, her attitude, her boyfriend, and trying to get her to like you. Your only consideration should be your own terrible situation. And you have to stop thinking that other people should do, think, or behave in the way you expect and then get all offended when they don't. You cannot buy her love with a couple steaks. You can't buy her respect with trinkets from a jewelry store. You can't make her like you just because you offer her niceness. She doesn't have to reciprocate. But again, she is not your problem. He who is your problem is the one that dragged her into your life.

The best place to speak with a counselor is through a domestic violence shelter. You can call 211 on your cell phone or google the domestic violence hotline, and they will give you contact information for DV shelters in your area. Some have a counselor in residence and some have a counselor that they can refer their clients to. Don't be afraid to call. You don't have to make any commitment or anything. You're just going to talk to someone. Each shelter has attendants and they can talk with you too. They are happy to take the time. Just call and ask "Is there someone I can talk to?" They will be happy to help.

And think about this also: Nobody wants to change their situation when they are the one who has to make the changes. We all just want everybody else in our life to do all the changing. But nothing in your life will change until you decide to change things. This is your life. You are the only one who has to live it. So, if you don't change your situation, it will never be any different. You think you love this man and don't want anyone to tell you to leave him, but he's not worth your time. As it is, you should think more of yourself than to be his #3. You should know that there is a reason the first 2 marriages didn't work out. I know he blames those other 2 women for those marriages failing. So you thought those other women weren't good enough, didn't understand him, didn't love him enough. You thought you could do so much better than them. You thought you were perfect for him. But guess what? He is blaming you now for his unhappiness, isn't he? He's blaming you now for his awful relationship with his children, isn't he? Stop taking that so personally as if there is something inadequate about you. That's why he says those things. It's what he wants you to think and feel so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own idiocy. He's afraid you will see how inadequate HE is, so he tries to cover it up by blaming you. He will ALWAYS blame you. He will ALWAYS try to make you think everything wrong in his life is your fault. He will ALWAYS try to pressure you to do better and try harder.

A lot of women think that battering is what domestic violence is all about. So they think if they are not beaten, then they are not being abused, but that is very wrong. There are many different kinds of abuse, and you are the victim of mental and emotional abuse in the worst ways. Talking with someone at a DV shelter can help you understand what you are living and help you sort it all out in your head. I hope you will call them. If one doesn't intially seem very receptive, then call another one. They're all normally very helpful, but you never know if you catch somebody on a bad day. It can happen, so just call another one.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Run, don't walk away from this guy. You spent 3 years hoping he'd change and he's not going to change. In fact, he and his children are trying to make YOU their scapegoat to cover their own dysfunction. They will be the same people long after you end your relationship with all of them.

After you end it you will have a chance to figure out what inside of you needs fixing so that you recognize red flags next time time and not get hooked in a dysfunctional or unloving relationship.

You deserve peace, acceptance and love. You won't ever have these things with your current man.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

The simple reality is a 3rd marriage with kids coming from previous marriage has about an 85% chance to end up in divorce. Unless you're willing to just keep out of anything having to do with his kids and be just his wife there is zero chance this will work.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

> The truth is we are rarely around these kids. They never come around and even when he can see them, he doesn’t make a huge effort


Read your statement above again, and it should answer all of your questions. I blame HIM, not his horrid kids. Why do you want to be with a man that doesn't even love his own kids enough to make an effort to be around them, to actually BE a father? No wonder they are rude and obnoxious. They learned from the best.

GET. OUT. NOW.


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## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

I am grateful to have a place to talk. I’m sorry that I’m still in this mess.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

ercccido said:


> The truth is we are rarely around these kids. They never come around and even when he can see them, he doesn’t make a huge effort.
> 
> The only times it seems to matter is when it’s a holiday or his bday and he realizes how awful she is.
> 
> ...


He’s not your dad right?

You don’t have children with him. 

So what is his ******** problem?

His kids are the ones to do something for him. My kids cooked a late lunch and we went to the movies together. 

It isn’t your place to do anything for him on Father’s Day. 

What an ass.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He didn't love his exes. He doesn't love you. And sadly, he doesn't love his kids, either. Otherwise, he wouldn't be treating everyone in his life as he does. That's the truth of it all. 

I'd end this relationship, stay in therapy, and try to recover from all of this. Your life will be one endless cycle of misery if you marry this guy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ercccido said:


> I am grateful to have a place to talk. I’m sorry that I’m still in this mess.


Do you know why you are staying? Nobody can convince you to leave if you don't want to leave. But I think it's crucial that you figure out what is keeping you with this man.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ercccido said:


> I am grateful to have a place to talk. I’m sorry that I’m still in this mess.


Who are you apologizing to? And why?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

ercccido said:


> he keeps saying he is so frustrated with me and he just can’t relax around me and that i ruin everything for him. He said that the celebration yesterday with his entire family (which i bought food and paid for) was very unsettling for him and that it’s been 3 years and this just doesn’t get better. (he seemed fine during this cook out) he blames me because i asked later to maybe request they speak english more arojbd me


run forest run


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@ercccido, just checking in -- how are you doing?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

You’ve listed a lot of negatives with this relationship, so what actually is attractive about it? What keeps you hanging in? I don’t understand. I would be much happier alone and looking at four gray walls than to be involved in this.


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## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

Thanks for following up regarding my situation. I feel stupid even psoting here because many people (and they are right) wonder why I stick around if I'm going to complain. It's true. I'm still working to figure that part out. To answer the question here...my child and I went on the vacation with him and his kids.

and It was not easy.

Again, to recap, I am engaged to be married without a specific date — my fiancé has 3 kids and I have one child.

His children are over 18 and my child is 12.

We went on second full family vacation together and it was difficult but manageable. Some of my fiancé and I’s previous issues began to emerge about social media. 

But here’s what happened. He wanted to take a big family picture….but he kept taking pics of just his children. He did take some photos of me and my son in random shots. Then his oldest daughter asked me to take a pic of her and her siblings (she’s 24) because her “mommy” wanted a photo of all of them together alone. I did it. I didn’t say anything. She was so excited to send it back to her mommy so she could post it. 

We (fiancé and I) also took photos of just them….just them with their dad (my fiancé) and then photos with my son and me included.

I was ticked that his daughter kept asking for pics of just them….but I didn’t say a word.

This escalates because my fiancé and I have had a disconnect about social media. I rarely post about ANYTHING and he apparently wants to post a lot. He told me today that he felt I was a “dictatorship” because he told me that he wanted to post pics of just HIS KIDS on social and figured I would get mad. I said well can you post all of us? He said he didn’t have the time or patience to have me look at the pics to approve them. He was SCREAMING at me. I tried to stop my tears. But his level of screaming was loud and it was hard to hold together. He said that he wasn’t going to do what I wanted because I was controlling and crazy. 

It’s true. that I haven’t posted a lot with him or anyone for that matter. I have been upset because he’s posted pics of me that were bad lighting or I didn’t look good and I’ve complained. He said that he’s sick of “living a plastic and superficial life” with me because I don’t post anything myself or that I want to approve the pic he posts of me.

I said this is NORMAL for women…I want to see what’s posted of me. If I don’t like the lighting etc I’d like to have a filter on it or at least be able to see it. 

He SCREAMED at me and told me that I am unreasonable. That he is SICK OF MY DICTATORSHIP that he feels I put him in BONDAGE because I ask to look at photos before he posts and he will do whatever he GOD DAM* wants with his kids and he doesn’t need to include me or my son. He’s proud of his kids and he doesn’t need to include me. 
He’s sick of my ****.

I took it all in…we were in the car. When we finally got to the store (where we were headed) he saw my hand was shaking….I didn’t even notice. He asked me what my problem was. I told him that I was physically shaken by his level of anger but I held my tears and tried to avoid “being a victim” as he often accuses me.

He said that he felt sad that I was acting this way but he’s sick of living like I’m hitler and controlling him. He said he’s also angry with me because I often ask him to come to bed while he’s working from his computer around 11 pm and unless I want sex…he’s sick of me asking (or demanding) that he come to work in bed next to me. He said that I control him left and right….and he can’t take it anymore.

I told him I just ask him to come work in bed next to me around 11 because most people go to bed at that time….but I don’t demand it. 

He told me he is sick of living a life with a woman who feels she never looks good in pictures and is so camera shy. He said he can’t take it anymore…. and that I’m not NORMAL. He kept repeating that I’m not NORMAL. I told him I am NORMAL and that some people are just less public than others. He said no… that I’m INSANE and if I want to see how “normal people act” I should just watch other people around me. 

I am trying very hard to show how this has transpired… and not make you feel more partial to my side. I want objective opinions. But there are times where I realize that I feel this is just so wrong.

Bottom line…I do feel shy about posting pics with him. I don’t post hardly anything myself because I think it’s just very selfish. I just like positive quotes. He LOVES posting pics of himself and his thoughts about any given subject. I feel shy about posting a lot. I do want to take several angles before I post the picture and many times I post with filters… but isn’t this common? I know my friends don’t let the GUY post ****ty pics of them…. but I have very few friends these days. 

Advice would be welcome here. Thanks in advance.



southbound said:


> You’ve listed a lot of negatives with this relationship, so what actually is attractive about it? What keeps you hanging in? I don’t understand. I would be much happier alone and looking at four gray walls than to be involved in this.


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## ercccido (Jun 17, 2018)

Sorry I couldn't see a place to edit.

I also want to point out that he told me that he's sick of me not being proud to go out on the weekends because I don't have "anyhting to wear" or look better than I do. 

He said "JUST FYI -- no one looks better as they age...so this isn't going to get better for you..."

I didn't outwardlly cry as I mentioned...but I admit it was very hard for me to contain my sadness over hearing that. Maybe I AM too self conscious? But that HURT ME. Maybe I have a problem....




ercccido said:


> Thanks for following up regarding my situation. I feel stupid even psoting here because many people (and they are right) wonder why I stick around if I'm going to complain. It's true. I'm still working to figure that part out. To answer the question here...my child and I went on the vacation with him and his kids.
> 
> and It was not easy.
> 
> ...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes...you do have a problem. HIM.

Just move out. Get your crap together, pack up and just go. Have a happy life WITHOUT him. He treats you like dirt. HE is not normal. Do not listen to anything else that he says, just get away from him. You do not have to explain it to him. He may think you are crazy, but who cares what he thinks. He is the suckiest boyfriend ever. 

Be strong. Be a good example for your child. You do not want your child to think that this is how relationships should be. You want your child to know that you are strong and capable, that you do not need a man so much that you let him talk to you like that. He is wrong. He is flawed. His children are exactly like him.... 

Get out. For your own good....and for your child's good!


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