# Birthday gift for STBXW?



## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

So I have a question for all of you fine folks here: My STBXW walked out on me suddenly in March 2010 for another guy. She has expressed zero interest in reconciliation. 

Her birthday is tomorrow, and I have been unable to decide if I should get her a gift or not. It's so difficult to stop caring about her, as we were extremely close for over 10 years.....and the kicker is that after we were together for 2 years she took off on me. I got her a birthday gift when we were separated then, and a month later she came back. 

Any advice??? Should I get her a gift, or leave it alone and not be so "available" to her?


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I would just send her a text or an email saying happy birthday period

or if she doesn't deserve it just leave it like that, no gift and no message.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

That's kind of what I was thinking....I would like us to reconcile, and I feel paralyzed by what is the right thing to do :scratchhead:

yes gift = needy
yes gift = show her what a good guy I am
no gift = he doesn't care about me

Ugh...so many stressful decisions. I think your advice sounds like the best...a simple email.

Thanks for your advice!

I'll see what others say too.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I was wondering the same thing. I dont know what to do for his birthday or our anniversary =(


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well here's my two cents. I would be true to YOU and what's in YOUR HEART and not worry one hoot about her or what she thinks. Here's what I mean. Do you think of her fondly and want to give her a gift? Get her one! Do you think of it as a chore or something you have to do so you aren't yelled at? Don't get her one. Do you interact with her about like a lady at work? Ger her a card, sign it, the end. 

My point here is that whether or not you get her a gift should be a reflection of you, what you think, what you feel, and where you're at. Now if she is going to have a fit in public, then yes consider her to that degree. But don't get a gift if you think you're going to "get something out of it" or somehow she'll magically want to get back together. Nope. If you care, get some nice thing that reminds you of her. Do it out of the bounty of your heart--and if she takes it any other way that's her business and her choice.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

Definitely nothing for the anniversary! The jury is still out on the birthday thing though.

Here's an even bigger question: I also found a copy of our wedding vows written out (actually, the whole ceremony). Now understand, she left me to be with somebody else. Should I email her a copy of our vows? (as a not-so-subtle reminder??)


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

This is something I have been thinking about too because H is a few days away. I have decided I am going to send a text in the morning and then send some cards from the kids and maybe some homemade brownies, cookies, or candies for the kids to give him. 

He had the kids give me stuff for mothers day and I will do the same for fathers day. I am not going to give him a card for his b-day from ME but the kids. If you have kids I would recommended doing the same. When it comes to the anniversary I wouldn't even more so if she ran off with another man and is not even trying to reconcile. 

Affaircare gave some great advice you need to be true to yourself in the end.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

Yes, I agree about the advice to be true to myself. I guess I really need to take an HONEST look at my motives. In my heart I do truly love her and want to do something nice for her, but I also don't want to look like a doormat.... tough call.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> Well here's my two cents. I would be true to YOU and what's in YOUR HEART and not worry one hoot about her or what she thinks. Here's what I mean. Do you think of her fondly and want to give her a gift? Get her one! Do you think of it as a chore or something you have to do so you aren't yelled at? Don't get her one. Do you interact with her about like a lady at work? Ger her a card, sign it, the end.
> 
> My point here is that whether or not you get her a gift should be a reflection of you, what you think, what you feel, and where you're at. Now if she is going to have a fit in public, then yes consider her to that degree. But don't get a gift if you think you're going to "get something out of it" or somehow she'll magically want to get back together. Nope. If you care, get some nice thing that reminds you of her. Do it out of the bounty of your heart--and if she takes it any other way that's her business and her choice.


Wow, this post is a fine example of why I continue to read this forum. Yes, I have to open up a lot of stinky oysters, but every once in awhile I find a beautiful pearl.

LIL


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

For me, my stb-xw adulteress behavior and history of taking my concern and kind actions towards her and turning it into a reason for a restraining order or "forcing her to stay in the marriage" greatly affects my decision. I do not want to do anything that can jeopardize my position with the kids.

Therefore, no anniversary text/email/gift. No birthday card/text/etc. I did help our children make crepes for her on Mother's Day but that was for THEM. She thought it was for her and wants to make me something in return. No thank you.

Seriously. She's still stuck in the "I have done nothing wrong" and "you're the problem" and "let's be friends (incl. the OM)" phase........... sorry not going to send the wrong message to our children.


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## WhoAmI? (Apr 19, 2010)

Yikes...I hope all works out for you.

In my situation, I have decided to not email or give her a gift...it was SO difficult today to not send her an email.

The reasons to not email her for her birthday or any other reason are as follows:
1) Out of context
2) Seems like I'm sitting here pining away and stuck
3) I lose dignity
4) Validates her actions by creating negativity and making it seem like we can be 'friends', and that all is OK
5) Shows I am looking forward, not stuck in the past
6) She wants life without me, then give her life without me
7) Gives her the control, last word, and lets her "shut the door"
8) Takes away the mystery of what's going on in my life...it's one thing for her to think she knows, it's another to hear it from me
9) Looks like an attempt to get her back or manipulate
10) How can she hear the holy spirit if she can only hear me (we are Christians)
11) Not saying anything IS a way of standing up for myself...with quiet dignity


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