# Should I put my life on hold?



## Houston we have a problem (Aug 21, 2013)

Hello everyone. Just celebrated my 25th anniversary last month and had a wonderful weekend getaway. BUT on way home wife is admitting to not loving me the way we used to, and not feeling the connection anymore. 

I would like to say I would be surprised by this, but I really wasn't. I've felt little to no love our whole marriage. She was a childhood sexual abuse survivor and really doesn't know how to show warmth of compassion. She has been a great mom and wife so far, except for the coldness. I know she can't help it so I've just excepted this for seems like forever. 

So I asked her point blank if she was having a PA of EA? Of course she denied it , saying that I know about her difficulties with sex. I asked her if she wants me to leave?
She responded no, please let's just stay together for our
13 y/o son until he turns 18. She doesn't want to take him from me, and if she left it would be to move back where her family is. (2 thousand miles away). She also says that she wouldn't want a lawyer involved if a D was inevitable and that
she would only want some money out of the house if I wanted to refinance.

So what the hell am I supposed to do? Stay in this fabricated
marriage and try not to get hurt anymore? Get a girlfriend?
Push the issue and tell her I want a D. I've always been the loving faithful husband who think of her needs first. Now I'm realizing that I need to start think about my needs for once.
Which haven't been met for a long time. It's hard because she still wants to kiss me goodnight, still wants to go on family vacations, but she isn't willing to be intimate anymore. I'm like this really isn't fair, because she is really an attractive desirable woman.

One more thing, she also has some weird issue about afraid of getting older. Always telling people she's younger. Never wanting grand kids etc. Her mom is same way, still bleaching her hair blonde at 75 and saying she looks 40 (couldn't be farthest from the truth). 

I'm curious to what everyone thinks about this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houston we have a problem said:


> So I asked her point blank if she was having a PA of EA? Of course she denied it , saying that I know about her difficulties with sex.


 At least you know that her words might not mean anything here. Just keep on a lookout and start doing some snooping. While she might not have been a warm person up to now, this is a big shift in her feelings.



Houston we have a problem said:


> So what the hell am I supposed to do? Stay in this fabricated marriage and try not to get hurt anymore? Get a girlfriend?


Do you live in a fault state? If you do, no girlfriend. Yea, she says that all she wants is a bit of money out of the house. Well, people say that all the time and then turn during the divorce process.


Houston we have a problem said:


> Push the issue and tell her I want a D. I've always been the loving faithful husband who think of her needs first. Now I'm realizing that I need to start think about my needs for once.
> Which haven't been met for a long time. It's hard because she still wants to kiss me goodnight, still wants to go on family vacations, but she isn't willing to be intimate anymore. I'm like this really isn't fair, because she is really an attractive desirable woman.


You do not have to live by her schedule. Start by restructuring your life to take care of yourself. Start working out, doing more things to please yourself. See attorney about structuring your finances to protect yourself. 

As you change, she might warm up to you again. If she does not, then you are ready to move on.


Houston we have a problem said:


> One more thing, she also has some weird issue about afraid of getting older. Always telling people she's younger. Never wanting grand kids etc. Her mom is same way, still bleaching her hair blonde at 75 and saying she looks 40 (couldn't be farthest from the truth). ?


Makes this sound like a midlife crisis. Look deeper for an affair.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Houston we have a problem said:


> .
> 
> So I asked her point blank if she was having a PA of EA? Of course she denied it , saying that I know about her difficulties with sex. I asked her if she wants me to leave?
> She responded no, please let's just stay together for our
> ...


I am a retired lawyer. The following is a general statement. 

In most states, the party with custody cannot remove a child from that state without either the other party's consent or the court's consent. Courts want to keep the parent child relationship alive.

Also the child has a say in the matter. If a 13 year old boy states a preference to remain with his father, the court most likely will order that.

So first thing Monday morning, get thee to a local divorce attorney who specializes in representing men.

WWHT


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As has been said. Don't believe a word she says about what your life would look like "post-marriage". Go meet with a lawyer and find out what your rights and obligations are, and decide where to go from there. 

C


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your wife was being honest and open about her feelings. My husband and I have been together for 24 years and I feel the same as your wife. Our marriage is boring and passionless. 

I think we each get into our routine of life and get comfortable with that but our comfort is not always appealing to our partner. My husband pretty much sits around and plays games on the computer. He doesn't ask me to do things with him, he pursues his own interests and for me that gets very lonely.

My advise to you is not to dwell on what your wife said, realize she was open with her feelings. Can you do anything about it? Maybe maybe not. I would suggest trying to reinvent yourself and trying to breath some life back in the marriage and not with flowers, cards, "I love yous" and desperate emotional dependency. Rather with fun things you guys could do together, take interest in her interests, find a new hobby together. More than likely she is lacking that man that once was so fun and so interested in her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Houston we have a problem said:


> Hello everyone. Just celebrated my 25th anniversary last month and had a wonderful weekend getaway. BUT on way home wife is admitting to not loving me the way we used to, and not feeling the connection anymore.
> 
> I would like to say I would be surprised by this, but I really wasn't. I've felt little to no love our whole marriage. She was a childhood sexual abuse survivor and really doesn't know how to show warmth of compassion. She has been a great mom and wife so far, except for the coldness. I know she can't help it so I've just excepted this for seems like forever.
> 
> ...


YOU count too, you know. Your life does not have to revolve around how SHE feels and what SHE wants. If you dont think you can live this way, (most of us couldn't) then you dont have to. Go ahead and divorce her. Give yourself a chance to be happy.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Houston, I'm married 31 yrs to a child sex abuse survivor. She only told me a couple of years ago. Six years ago upon our 25th anniversary my wife checked out of the marriage. She has told me specifically it was on our anniversary.

The marriage has been pretty sterile all along. I would describe my wife similar to how you described yours.

My advice? Absent her going to good therapy for her trauma, I would divorce her. Your son will do better now than in 5 years. You'll feel you are just marking time and wasting your years with her. You may feel resentment before long.

There is a saying which seems true, that it is very difficult to leave someone we don't hate. Much of the time my wife is a terrific person. We have so much in common, and of course all the family history and the kids together. Her deficits are imho due primarily to the fallout of the abuse. So it is not of her doing, and not intentional, yet the abuse has been passed on to me and the kids. Yes, your son is experiencing some fallout himself.

Your wife as a mature adult has the responsibility to be as healthy and as functional in the marriage as possible. With her known trauma, she is obligated to make major efforts to overcome her issues. And, yes, you also have such an obligation.

If she is not willing or able to meet your legitimate needs, you have every right to leave the marriage. It doesn't make her evil or defective. It just makes you two a bad match.

FWIW, it seems many times the sex abuse survivor marries a pathologically Nice Guy. You might want to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover to see if it rings a bell with you. Your local library may have the book.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Is she having or has she had affairs? There is no good way to guess from what you have written.

Some CSA survivors act outward, others act inward. An inward action might be an eating disorder or a perfectionism and professional high achievement. An outward action might be promiscuity or a violent temper.

Inward actors would have a lower likelihood of cheating. An outward actor would have a higher likelihood of cheating.

Her emotional difficulties probably extend beyond just you. Which would suggest she is not likely to develop a satisfying emotional attachment outside of the marriage.

Oddly, her sexual difficulties with you may not extend outside of the marriage. When you became her husband you became "family", and you also gained a mantle of authority or stature in society. This could make you a dangerous male in her mind. Her abuser was probably an adult male who she saw as having some kind of authority, and who may have been a relative. In her emotional mind you are thus in this same category.

Yet as her boyfriend you would not be such a dangerous person. This is why it is not uncommon for the sex before marriage to be great but afterwards it is very difficult.

Affair sex might be quite easy. In fact, one of the top 3 correlations with a woman cheating is having been sexually abused as a child. Affair sex might be an outlet for her to dominate over men, as a power play.

Ultimately I think the CSA should be ignored wrt suspecting infidelity. Use your gut as your best guide as to whether you need to investigate.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When were you planning on having a decent, real, life? Wait until you're 50 or so? That might be a feasible idea if you were guaranteed X number of years. You aren't. Your life could end next week or next year. Whatever time you have on this earth, resolve to live it as you were designed to be: respected, appreciated, desired, giving and receiving love. The only thing sadder than wasting 25 years is wasting 25+.


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## Houston we have a problem (Aug 21, 2013)

I appreciate all your advise, but my sister just passed away yesterday. That's all I can deal with right at this moment. I didn't want ya'll to think I wasn't reading your post. I will say the harder I withdraw and go about my business the more clingy she seems to get.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

HWHAP,

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I'm sure it must have felt like a punch in the gut when she said those words. Try to understand that this has ZERO bearing on you as a man who has done right and stood by his family. Your wife unfortunately has chosen to lie to you all these years and in a sense committed fraud. You just don't wake up 25 years later and not love somebody unless you have a serious mental illness.

It also looks like she doesn't want to give up the benefits of marriage ie, lifestyle, company, money, etc. She can't have it both ways. 

1. First stop listening to her ramblings about custody and divorce. She doesn't know what she is talking about. As stated in an earlier post by whowouldhavethought, she just can't pick up your 13 year old and take him because she feels like it. You are the boys father and have equal rights to him. 

2. Get your finances in order and speak to an attorney. Interview several attorney's and get some references. Do not settle for the first one and just because they charge 350 vs 250 an hour doesn't make them better. Shop around. 

3. Make it clear to your wife that she can't be married AND not love you. That's not a marriage, it's roomates that had sex and made a kid. 

4. Consider that your wife never loved you and get at least some IC to help you cope. Get some friends and spend tons of time with your boy doing things together. Avoid giving him details on the marriage. 13 year olds are very emotionally immature and this stuff can make him bitter towards marriage.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I am sorry about your sister. I think your last post says it all. She was trying to get you to stay on her terms using your son. Now she sees it wont work and you really are going she is prepared to give in. 

The thing is dont give in too easily. I dont believe all this trauma stuff. After some years if one wants to one can get over it. And she has had plenty. Make sure you stay on your terms. 

I think you will see a great change come over her.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> When were you planning on having a decent, real, life? Wait until you're 50 or so? That might be a feasible idea if you were guaranteed X number of years. You aren't. Your life could end next week or next year. Whatever time you have on this earth, resolve to live it as you were designed to be: respected, appreciated, desired, giving and receiving love. The only thing sadder than wasting 25 years is wasting 25+.


I felt the same way brother. I thought I could "wait her out" but then I found out some friends from high school dying from disease and other tragic events. I started wondering, maybe I don't have years to waste? One friend in particular died at 33 years old from cancer. I used to hang out with them during lunch and another girl from high school I dated died during child birth. Thats nuts. 

Your point as usual is spot on. A poster here (forgot her name sorry) told a quick story on how her brother was married to this wicked woman and after decades of misery finally divorced. He remarried and died shortly after but said that in that small amount of time he was married to the new wife was the best years of his life. I might be getting the details wrong but you get the idea.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Houston we have a problem said:


> I appreciate all your advise, but my sister just passed away yesterday. That's all I can deal with right at this moment. I didn't want ya'll to think I wasn't reading your post. I will say the harder I withdraw and go about my business the more clingy she seems to get.


I'm really sorry about your sister. My condolences. I pray there is healing in your life.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Thor said:


> FWIW, it seems many times the sex abuse survivor marries a pathologically Nice Guy. You might want to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover to see if it rings a bell with you. Your local library may have the book.


I have no doubt that's true. A healthy man would be much less likely to remain in the relationship long enough to make it to marriage.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

OP:

You know your son. How do you think he would handle a divorce? His well being is the primary issue, so think about both the positives and the negatives he will experience. There's usually no perfect decision, an even the right one often comes with some negative consequnces. 

Also, at least check with a lawyer. As has already been stated, I doubt your wife can relocate your son without your permission, at least not once you are legally separated.

Another thing to consider is that women who suffer as victims of CSA tend to have extreme fear of abandonment along with the fear of being intimate and vulnerable. They push you away while simultaneously pulling you in. It is maddening. Don't believe that a divorce will be anywhere near amicable. Once you have asserted yourself to move forward with a divorce, she will very likely turn vicious and use the court to punish you for abandoning her. That doen't mean it's not still the right decision, you need to figure that out.

My condolences on the loss of your sister. I expect that you will find that your wife is not very supportive during this period. Don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family or a counselor. You are ultimately responsible for yourself.

Good luck.


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