# Privacy inside the marriage, what is appropriate?



## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

How much privacy i appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about? 

Financial issues? are there cases where each should have secret or private funds the other does not know about?

Medical issues? Are there illnesses that it is ok to keep from the other, as it is YOUR body?

What about sexual medical issues that may affect both parties? Gynecological visits/issues, or maybe ED doctor visits? should that be kept from the other or a private issue the other has no right to be a part of. I mean that is kind of a personal issue or can be embarrassing maybe?

Therapy or counseling? Is it ok for one to seek counseling for marriage advice or sexual advice/therapy or mental health issues and keep it private or secret from the other?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think that there is a fine line between privacy and secrecy in a strong marriage. Finances, medical, sexual, counseling all seem to me to be info that shared leads to improved understanding between participants. I'm thinking gender, personality, background, trust, and religion likely affect the decisions one makes.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

None. Privacy is a form of division, which has little to no utility in a productive and fulfilling marriage.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I separate privacy and secrecy. 

As an example, we both see the credit card statements. If I'm doing the bills, if I see a suspicious charge I may ask if she made it - but the goal is to make sure it wasn't fraud. I never ask *about* a charge once I know that it was hers.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I think the correct answer varies for different couples. For example, we are completely unified on our finances and it would never occur to me to hide spending. I have friends who have a great marriage and maintain largely separate finances.

I have friends that can't get into each others phones. My wife regularly answers my texts when I'm driving. Every couple needs to work out what their desired and expected levels of privacy are.

Secrecy - as in the active attempt to keep something secret from your spouse - is different from privacy. It is no secret that I poop in our bathroom, but I demand privacy when I do so. I assume who insist on private communications feel the same way.

Some secrecy seems normal. When I shop for presents for my wife, I keep that a secret from her. When I face manageable but relatively high levels of stress at work, I keep that secret from my wife so that I don't worry her.


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

ok so lets say I have a friend who's wife always had a LD, but now she has went through menopause and finds sex to be painful, so the sex stops. His wife did not go to the doctor for this, as she felt it would be admitting she was broken in some way! (her words) When he finally convinced her to go she stated she would make an appointment and go, but it was a private matter, as it was her body and he had no right to go or know what she discussed with the doctor. 

Knowing how their couples counseling goes and that she is a very private person who would have kept many issues from the councilor if he had not been there to bring them up! He wonders if she really told the doctor what the issue was? As things have not improved much after her visit, so he is wondering if she is really being treated correctly? 

SO my friend is wondering, is this normal, acceptable? I mean after all it is affecting him as well in a way?

I mean if I was having ED problems I would WANT my wife to go to the doctor with me so she would understand what the issues were and what the treatment outcome would be, because it is something that affects her as well!! But that is just me, not my friend or his wife after all!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Spent said:


> How much privacy i appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about?


 @Spent, I am glad you asked these questions. Just to be clear, in my answers, I consider what's good for the goose is good for the gander--in other words, what is acceptable "for a male" is acceptable "for a female". Gender plays no part. 

So let's look at your specific questions;



> Financial issues? are there cases where each should have secret or private funds the other does not know about?


Ah...there are as many ways to mutually do finances as there are couples! BUT...you asked two things: secret funds and private funds. So let's first discuss the difference between secret and private.

SECRET would be hidden, as in you need to lie in order to not portray the truth about these finances. Anything secret involves a lack of transparency because you are not allowing your spouse to see the truth. 

PRIVATE would be relating to an individual often around concepts such as modesty or something being personal. So there's no lying here--it's just "not yours or ours, it's mine." 

I could see the possibility of "secret" funds if one spouse was saving $10 a week to buy a FABULOUS Christmas present or birthday gift. In that instance, the funds are hidden and the other spouse would not have access to them, and I suspect no one would have real issues with that kind of a secret fund. So what is it that makes a secret fund acceptable or not acceptable? i would think if the intent of the fund is to defraud the spouse or in some way purposely mislead them from seeing what is truly happening or real thoughts and feelings, that's unacceptable. If the fund was for the surprise gift, you wouldn't be harming the spouse and eventually they would have access to it (by the value of the gift)--nor are you purposefully keeping them from seeing true thoughts and feelings because in reality you love them and are trying to show that to them. 

On the other hand, if the secret fund is for lunch out with another person, and you want to present the image of a faithful spouse when you are flirting with fire, then you ARE harming your spouse, you are keeping them from access to money to which they are entitled, and you are purposefully preventing them from seeing true thoughts (of another) and feelings (for someone else). 



> Medical issues? Are there illnesses that it is ok to keep from the other, as it is YOUR body?


Well again, look at what privacy and secrecy are. In a marriage, the two people become one physically, so what is happening via illness to one may affect and have an effect on the other. Privacy for medical issues might be letting your spouse know you have kidney disease, but going to your dialysis on your own for modesty reasons. Secrecy would be not informing your spouse that you even HAVE kidney disease and giving them the false impression that your health is fine and you aren't scared about your own mortality (if that's how you feel). See, the whole idea of marriage is INTIMACY, not only physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually...every level. How would you be intimate if you are not transparent? 



> What about sexual medical issues that may affect both parties? Gynecological visits/issues, or maybe ED doctor visits? should that be kept from the other or a private issue the other has no right to be a part of. I mean that is kind of a personal issue or can be embarrassing maybe?


I would think again, that there's a difference between privacy (modesty) and secrecy (lying). As a lady I sure as shooting don't want my spouse sitting and watching my GYN visit! YUCK! I'd be even more nervous (LOL). But I wouldn't hide it from my partner nor hide results. It is reasonable to want modesty in a medical exam or procedure--it is NOT reasonable to keep it hidden as if it never happened or to present health where there is none. Same for ED--if you can't talk to your spouse about your erection, who CAN ya talk to? That's pretty darn intimate, *and* it affects them! But to actually have your partner in there when the doc exams or snaps that glove--uh NO THANK YOU. 



> Therapy or counseling? Is it ok for one to seek counseling for marriage advice or sexual advice/therapy or mental health issues and keep it private or secret from the other?


Well, I feel like a broken record here, but I would again consider secret versus private. If I believe our marriage is so messed up that I want to go get counseling from someone, I also believe it is reasonable to express that honestly and transparently to my spouse. Now, the spouse may disagree but that's not the question--the question is about keeping it hidden and/or lying about seeking advice from someone else. See, I believe anything that's said to someone else should FIRST be spoken to your spouse. If they refuse to admit it or address it, then it's reasonable to seek outside counsel but not say anything you wouldn't say straight to your spouse's face and haven't already told them first. After all, the relationship is between YOU and THEM...so turn there first! 

If you feel you need a mental health check, let your spouse know that's what you think. Secrecy = hiding and lying. Privacy = I went to the counselor but I told you why, but what was discussed is between myself and my provider. 

The one time I think there is possibly a reason to keep counseling secret is if there is physical abuse involved. I am not there and I don't know what physical danger may or may not occur so it's not my opinion that makes any difference! But I wouldn't put someone into physical danger. The fact remains, though, that if there is physical abuse in a marriage, then there are bigger issues than "secrecy" vs. "privacy." I would say focus on those other, bigger fish first, and then figure out the secrecy or privacy thing.


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## pLaTesPinNeR (Oct 28, 2017)

Being married to someone who demanded “privacy”: his phone, where he went till 3am on a regular basis and with whom, how he spent any of “his” money, medical diagnosis, and more....

It played a huge role in the demise of our marriage. I felt like he just locked me out of every facet of his life. It was a breeding ground for previously non existent trust concerns and resentment that I wasn’t included in a lot of things in his life. He actively excluded me from tons of things, and would just say “I’m still an individual. I don’t have to share everything with you”. 

It was the final (of a great many) nail in the coffin for me. I’m still adjusting to being separated. But secrecy will be a massive issue for me in any kind of new relationship down the road. It’s actually causing me concern about bothering to date or anything at all. I still have too many hang ups related to this. I will definitely have to find someone who values open communication and transparency. Which may not be easy.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Well if 2 are to become 1 how does one have privacy from oneself??


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

For us there is none .... we each have access to everything. For me this has never been an issue and I've never felt as though I needed "more privacy".

We operate by the blatantly honest method ..... weather it is good or bad .... we say it. There is never any mystery about what the other is thinking or doing.

I'm sure that isn't everyone's cup of tea but for us it has worked very well.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BioFury said:


> None. Privacy is a form of division, which has little to no utility in a productive and fulfilling marriage.


I have happily been sharing a productive and fulfilling marriage with my wife for almost 20 years so far. Yet we both maintain some level of privacy between each other, and both find some utility in that.



red oak said:


> Well if 2 are to become 1 how does one have privacy from oneself??


In my marriage, neither my wife or I buy into magical thinking. So neither of us think we can become one, nor feel any desire to become one or have any desire to abandon our own identity or autonomy either.



Spent said:


> How much privacy i appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about?


My wife and I share lots of information with each other, yet we don't share everything in every instance.

As to what's appropriate, that's up to the participants of a marriage to decide amongst themselves or even unilaterally if that is what they choose. What one accepts or doesn't regarding privacy from a spouse, is up to them to decide.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If I were the wife of the friend, I would be pretty upset that my husband was sharing intimate details about me to you. Marriage counseling is to help the marriage and since there are two people involved then both need to be there. What your friend wink2 needs is individual counseling.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

BioFury said:


> None. Privacy is a form of division, which has little to no utility in a productive and fulfilling marriage.


So you both can't even lock the bathroom door while you are on the toilet?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if your friend would indulge in a quick google search, he'd likely find the cause and possible solutions to the issues his wife is encountering and be able to have a productive discussion with her about it, whether or not he attends her doctor's appointments. The solution to this issue for most women is generally some form of hormone replacement therapy. However, hormone replacement is not a magic bullet or an instant fix. It could take months for her levels to reach a place where normal sexual feeling and function is achieved, and it may be a continual battle to remain in that state for the rest of her life. So, I would say that maybe your buddy needs to cool his jets and give his wife some time to work this out with her doctor. But the fact is, he clearly doesn't trust her to do it right without his participation. 

Also, maybe his wife is aware that he's a chronic over-sharer - he apparently tells you all about deeply private marital issues, after all - so she's a bit hesitant to keep him fully informed because she doesn't like the idea of the guys at poker night discussing her vagina. Why her husband is okay sharing the sexual details of his marriage and what they're discussing in MC with you, and possibly others, is beyond me. Maybe his wife keeps things secret because she knows her husband can't or won't keep things private? It would appear she may not trust him any more than he trusts her. 

I'm guessing that their marriage is a bit of a mess on all fronts. They don't trust each other. They don't communicate with each other. They don't face things as partners. If they want to get to a place where there are no secrets from one another, they'll have to figure out how to build, or re-build, the trust that's necessary for that sort of honest relationship to flourish. They don't have that now.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Personal said:


> In my marriage, neither my wife or I buy into magical thinking. So neither of us think we can become one, nor feel any desire to become one or have any desire to abandon our own identity or autonomy either.


To each there own. If such a life of (to some) division works for one; have at it. Such doesn't mean one should say it works for those who desire close intamacy.

LOL. It's science, and understanding of what constitutes intimacy. With privacy comes less intimacy. 

No such thing as autonomy in this world. Too many identify by job, skills, ability as though such is who they are making such claims moot points.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Privacy: bathroom door shut

Secrecy: burner phone or hidden bank account


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Money that spouse doesn't know about: NO, unless you are planning a surprise (and you aren't in financial trouble)

Account a spouse doesn't know about: NO

Friends spouse doesn't know about: NO

Keeping all passwords private: NO, and don't talk to me about national security. My husband knows my govt laptop password (I mainly tell him in case I forget it lol)

Phone he cannot get into: NO

The only thing I might keep "secret" from my husband was if one of my close friends had a non-marriage threatening problem that she wanted me to keep completely confidential. For example, one of my friends has a very difficult past that she still seeks therapy for. I'm not going to fill in my husband on all of that (unless my friend was okay with it). However, if the secret was that my friend was cheating, then I wouldn't keep that from my husband, and I would tell her I didn't approve and didn't want to hear it.

I'm trying to think of anything I feel the need to keep private from my husband. I really can't think of anything. Heck, we only have one bathroom, so we've been around for pooping out of occasional necessity lol


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Spent said:


> ok so lets say I have a friend who's wife always had a LD, but now she has went through menopause and finds sex to be painful, so the sex stops. His wife did not go to the doctor for this, as she felt it would be admitting she was broken in some way! (her words) When he finally convinced her to go she stated she would make an appointment and go, but it was a private matter, as it was her body and he had no right to go or know what she discussed with the doctor.
> 
> Knowing how their couples counseling goes and that she is a very private person who would have kept many issues from the councilor if he had not been there to bring them up! He wonders if she really told the doctor what the issue was? As things have not improved much after her visit, so he is wondering if she is really being treated correctly?
> 
> ...


I think we talk too much about what is "normal" or "acceptable" in a marriage and too little about what is really going on in THAT relationship. If I were your friend, I would be asking myself why does my spouse not feel safe sharing with me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> snip
> Keeping all passwords private: NO, and don't talk to me about national security. My husband knows my govt laptop password (I mainly tell him in case I forget it lol)
> 
> snip


There are some cases where work passwords really do need to be kept confidential. Actual classified work isn't done over the home network, but there is some sensitive work that needs to be kept secure.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

I think as grown adults we all need some privacy for our own personal things such as your journal, your computer, your phone, your dresser drawers, your hygiene habits, your phone conversations. Otherwise we become nothing more than teenagers again who have to be "watched" by our parents. This is privacy. Secrecy is something else. This is when you are hiding something for a suspect reason. You know you are hiding something because you are doing something wrong or it will have a negative affect on the marriage or partner. I don't think there is room for secrecy in a marriage. Period.

So let's talk about privacy. I think since marriage is about two lives becoming ONE, anything that will affect your partner should be shared. If your financial issues will affect the marriage or partner, it needs to be shared. If your health issues will affect your marriage or partner, it needs to be shared. If I am writing my own private thoughts in a journal or I have my own personal things on my computer and it has nothing to do with my partner...I don't feel I HAVE to share. I think it is very healthy for everyone to have their own "me time" and "me things".

One last thing to consider is the boundaries that you and your partner agreed upon in marriage. Those have to be respected too. What is deemed "of no affect" in one marriage, may be negative in another. It depends on what circumstances are between the two. So the subject of privacy is really one customized for the couple. There isn't one way to do it. For example, if my husband was a womanizer in the past and I feel a little uncomfortable about him having conversations with women without me knowing, I may want to ask him to just let me know when a woman contacts him. I may not want that private. Well that may be an issue in one person's marriage but not another so the privacy rules will have to be adjusted. 

I think people need to ditch the idea that just because you are married that EVERYTHING has to be done together. The only reason privacy becomes an issues is when it turns into secrecy to cover something suspicious. Otherwise, I think it's healthy.

That's my two cents.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

uhtred said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > snip
> ...


 Without divulging too much, I will say I understand what you mean. I am just talking about the email password for remembering purposes. Obviously I would not share anything specific to operations with my spouse. If a spouse has an issue with that, then they should not marry someone whose job requires that type of security.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

In regards to what a former poster said a few comments up, if my husband kept a journal, I would never ever read it without his permission. Because I do agree that some things should be sacred. In addition, I would never demand that he share with me everything that happened in a counseling session. That is just me, but in my mind there is no use even going to therapy for some issues if I'm going to have to give a running record of every thought and word.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would wonder WHY my spouse would be interested in looking at my stuff, honestly. I mean, for all I know he already does since I don't have a passcode on my phone or whatever. My journal lays on my desk. But if he wanted my work computer login, for instance, it would make me scratch my head. It has not occurred to me to ask for his phone passcode. I am not sure what the point of that would be.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I like trust in marriage and to me part of trust is not looking for things to worry about. I don't ask my wife who she had lunch with - she might happen to tell me, or might not. I don't look at her phone for who she called, or who she messaged. I don't have and don't want here email passwords, nor does she have mine. She doesn't question me about who I was traveling with on business trips.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Spent said:


> How much privacy i appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about?
> 
> Financial issues? are there cases where each should have secret or private funds the other does not know about?
> 
> ...


I think each couple needs to set their own boundaries, but everything you mentioned to me is something I would expect a spouse to be completely open about and I personally, would not tolerate being married to someone who lied about or tried to hide any of those things from me. I mean, how can you have a truly intimate relationship if you can't talk openly with your spouse about these things?

The therapy or counseling is one where I think it would be okay to hide it if you're in an abusive situation or very troubled marriage. But if your marriage is so bad you want or need to hide that from your spouse, there is a lot wrong beyond privacy issues.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Spent said:


> ok so lets say I have a friend who's wife always had a LD, but now she has went through menopause and finds sex to be painful, so the sex stops. His wife did not go to the doctor for this, as she felt it would be admitting she was broken in some way! (her words) When he finally convinced her to go she stated she would make an appointment and go, but it was a private matter, as it was her body and he had no right to go or know what she discussed with the doctor.
> 
> Knowing how their couples counseling goes and that she is a very private person who would have kept many issues from the councilor if he had not been there to bring them up! He wonders if she really told the doctor what the issue was? As things have not improved much after her visit, so he is wondering if she is really being treated correctly?
> 
> SO my friend is wondering, is this normal, acceptable? I mean after all it is affecting him as well in a way?


I don't know if it's "normal" or not. But I think the question your friend needs to ask is, is it acceptable _*to him* 
_.

Considering he is directly affected by it, I would imagine it is not. It wouldn't be to me.

Then the next question is -- *why *is she adamant on hiding this from him? She's private. So what? He's her husband and it's his sex life too. How has he treated her in the past when there was something like this? Has he become angry or hostile if she had a physical problem? When she has shared her deeper feelings with him has she been totally safe in his reactions?

If he has been a loving and supportive spouse I'd be very concerned about this and my suspicion would be that she doesn't really care if she can comfortably have sex with him or not. Which indicates she doesn't really care about his feelings and needs. Which says something about their marriage.

Also, if she is really just a private, secretive person about these things, maybe she finds these topics very embarrassing and while she fears it, in reality, having her husband in on the Dr. appointments would probably lift a huge burden from her shoulders and improve their marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Spent said:


> How much privacy is appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about?
> 
> Financial issues? are there cases where each should have secret or private funds the other does not know about?
> 
> ...


I don't do "privacy" in marriage. Just never saw the need for privacy from my spouse nor he with me. Marriage is such a close and intimate relationship unlike any other. Spouses lives are so intertwined on all levels that what one does has the potential to affect the other in deeply personal, financial, legal, social, and spiritual ways. I just couldn't imagine being married to someone I didn't want me to share my whole self with or that didn't want to share his whole self with me.

*Finances:* Spending, debt, etc affect the total household budget and the quality of life for every member of the household. I'd be furious if DH kept financial issues from me and the reverse is also true. We've always been transparent when it comes to finances, since before we married. 

That said, I can see having a secret stash of spare cash used to maybe buy your spouse a present, pay for a surprise romantic vacation, or something along those lines IF the money was not needed elsewhere and was, say, from the spouses discretionary funds. I could also see having an emergency secret stash in an abusive marriage as part of an exit plan.

*Medical:* Again, the marital relationship is deeply personal and what affects one spouse will affect the other. So, no, I don't think it's ok to keep health issues from your spouse considering how much those issues and Spouse A's reaction to those issues can impact Spouse B without Spouse B even knowing why s/he's being impacted.

As far as I am concerned, sexual medical issues should already have been discussed between spouses before the doctor visit. Say, for example, a husband is having a hard time getting or keeping an erection. Of course he should tell his wife of his difficulties and that he will be seeking medical treatment. He should also tell her of the doctor's opinion, treatment options, and so on. It is HIS body, so he does have the right to make a decision regarding treatment options, but his wife has at least a right to know what's going on as sexual difficulties effect her, too. Especially since sexual difficulties are often the sign of a more serious health problem like diabetes, blood pressure, hormone imbalance, etc.

*Counseling/Therapy:* I believe a spouse has the right to seek therapy if they feel the need. They also have the right to keep what is discussed in their sessions between them and their therapist. That said, I think the spouse in therapy should at least keep their partner updated in general terms such as "I've been working on managing stress/anger/anxiety" or "I've been trying EMDR therapy and think it's helping".

Also, as a total aside, I think it's absolutely foolish to keep medical concerns from your spouse. Spouses can be valuable diagnostic tools. A spouse may notice patterns that you don't, for example, which could lead the doctor on the right path to diagnose illness.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I guess it depends on the couple involved. Boundaries before committing to another person for life can be clearly discussed and leave no room for nuance. Lifetime commitments are important enough for us to be as sure as possible about everything going in,but that's where our head versus our heart can come into play. Our love for another person can often overcome what we logically know what we need for ourselves to be secure. jmho.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Spent said:


> How much privacy i appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about?
> 
> Financial issues? are there cases where each should have secret or private funds the other does not know about?
> 
> ...


Marriage for me is when you become one, and as such I have no idea why any of the examples you give should be kept secret. 
I am a very honest person and very open with my husband. We don't keep anything secret, why would we? Secrets and deception are wrong in my opinion, and I wouldn't marry a man who thought it was ok to act that way.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

I came straight from reading post #6 to post this. My husband did the same thing to me as your friend's wife did to her husband. When my husband started developing ED issues we would talk about it somewhat and on several occasions. He said for him it was very embarrassing. I told him he needed to go see a doctor. He asked his urologist about it and ... On the first occasion he prescribed him some Cialis. My husband did take the "samples" he was given but never got the script filled. He even told me so about a year later. As you can imagine sex within our marriage was not that great. On another occasion we were talking/ arguing about (he never wanted to talk about it with me .... Always thinking that if he didn't acknowledge it and talk about it, it would go away) ... and he said to me...again...that it is an embarrassing issue and he just needs to know that he has my support and that it is ok. Well....you have my support to help find a solution to the problem. What you don't have is my support in that it is ok to not do anything about it because this is something that affects me also. I am your wife and if you can't talk to me about this and help the situation then we really shouldn't be married because at this point we are not having marital relations. The next time he went to the urologist he got a script for Viagara and...yet again...never got it filled. 

Point is....there are some things in a marriage that are not acceptable to be kept private or secret. And the health matters of your spouse are one of them....because it affects the other directly.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

This is easy...

Privacy in marriage: You aren't asking about every detail of their lives, expenditures, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. 

Secrecy in marriage: when asked or to avoid being asked, you lie, hide, sneak, and use misdirection to keep them from the truth. 

Really privacy is about you not trying to pry into every detail of your spouses life because you either don't care or trust them or a combination of both. 

My wife's religious beliefs are hers and I dont care, mine are my own and she doesn't care. We dont really talk about that stuff. When she goes to the gym, I don't care about her workouts. When I go backpacking, she wants a basic idea of where I'll be for safety, but she doesn't need a play by play. If she or I go out with friends, neither of us need to know who all was there, where they went, what they did, who they talked to. We each have our own bank accounts. We have a joint that all our money goes into, but we have our own fun money accounts we keep separate and get our "allowance". Neither of us care what that money is used for or care to look into or ask about it even. However, if I wanted to ask her or if she wanted to ask me, i would tell her the truth and she would do the same for me.

In terms of the ED or post menopausal issues, that is coming from the joint account so to speak. Both parties should know wtf is going on there. This falls into secrecy to me. I wouldn't put up with it. Similar to a thread on here where the guy found out his fiance got an abortion without his knowledge. Basically terminated his kid's life (or her sancho's kid, either way unforgivable) without his input. That's joint account territory. Sneaking and hiding and avoiding conversation to purposefully avoid being truthful with your spouse or partner. That is grounds for a come to Jesus talk with ultimatums fully justified. 

In a relationship, privacy is something you grant your partner. Not something you demand of your partner.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

IMO if it has any effect whatsoever on your spouse they should know about it. If it doesn't affect them than there is most likely no need for them to know.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Certainly there is no room for secrecy in marriage with respect to significant financial issues, since both spouses are affected by financial behavior of either spouse.

The same goes for health issues.

However, that doesn't mean that every tiny detail of either finances or health has to be discussed in any detail. For example, I manage the money in our household, and I've told my wife "If you want to buy something and it's less than $xxx, just go ahead without asking me." We aren't in any financial difficulty and don't expect that to happen, so that works for us.

Of course, if we WERE in financial trouble or close to it, then every dollar would have to be considered as either improving or worsening the situation. So as usual, the whole answer is "it depends on your circumstances".


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

In marriage, the only secrecy that is appropriate is what gift you bought your spouse for their birthday/christmas; a surprise party you're planning; or, something told to you in confidence by a close friend that has nothing to do with your marriage.

Privacy is such a grey area...my husband has a pin code on his phone but I know what it is, I don't have one on mine. I don't know that he's got my passwords so to speak, but my computer is always on and open, so there's nothing stopping him having a look if he wanted to. I'd have no issue with him looking at my computer, my bigger issue would be why he felt he had to.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Spent said:


> ok so lets say I have a friend who's wife always had a LD, but now she has went through menopause and finds sex to be painful, so the sex stops. His wife did not go to the doctor for this, as she felt it would be admitting she was broken in some way! (her words) When he finally convinced her to go she stated she would make an appointment and go, but it was a private matter, as it was her body and he had no right to go or know what she discussed with the doctor.


What I really think is that she's embarrassed to tell him about how menopause has changed her body and not for the better. Look, you see all this woman 'empowerment' crap about how we're supposed to _embrace _menopause and old age and all that nonsense, but that ain't the way it is for a lot of women. Menopause takes so much away from a woman, and for a lot of them, one of those things is their libido. Some begin to experience a lot of pain during intercourse, some have dryness, etc. etc. Sometimes it seems like the cosmos is just working SO hard to make sure she never wants sex again and if she *does *dare to want it, then it's going to hurt.  For many, their skin is no longer dewy and supple, their hair no longer thick and luxurious, the wrinkles and facial hair seem to accelerate, and the list just goes on and on. I'm willing to bet your friend's wife isn't exactly chomping at the bit to point out to her husband how her body has changed (not in a good way) and is no longer doing what it used to do or acting the way it always did before menopause. For some women, this is *devastating* to lose these things and she might just be feeling really embarrassed and horribly upset about this new stage in her life.

And if your friend thinks there's some kind of magic pill her doctor can give her that will turn her into a sex-crazed nymphomaniac, tell him to dream on. Once the libido goes, there's really not much a woman can do to get it back unless she considers HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and that's not exactly healthy because it's been known to cause cancer. They've made strides in synthetic and bio-identical hormones, but they still have their downsides. 

I'm not saying this is definitely her problem, but if she's not willing to share her medical information about menopause with him, then I'm willing to bet this is likely why.


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## Isshecheating (Jan 29, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Spent said:
> 
> 
> > How much privacy i appropriate inside of a marriage? I mean for both men and women what is acceptable to say is a private matter the other should not know about or does not have a right to know about?
> ...


Agreed. If you cannot tell your spouse everything, you have problems. Secrecy destroys trust. Lack of trust destroys marriages. Always err on the side of saying more, not less.


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