# productive advice would be appreciated



## billybob (Jul 18, 2012)

OK where to start... I have been faithfully married for 4 years and for the most part I have been unhappy. When it comes to my relationship I'm more of a robot. We dated for little over a year before getting engaged and then 8 months after our engagement we were married at 24 yrs old.

From my wild high school and college days I never keep a girlfriend for more than 3 months until I met her. I wasnt a faithful boyfriend up until about 2 months before I ask her to marry me. About 2 months before our wedding she found out about my cheating with one girl while we were dating. The cheating had always been on my concious so I thought this would be the time to come clean about everything. So I did, the next month or so was hell but I thought everything would be ok and it would make us closer. 

Boy was I wrong. After the first day of our honey moon for a least a year and half I was scared to move. We would be happy and laughing and the next thing I know im the biggest piece of crap on the face of the earth. I constantly thought about divorce but thats not what I truley wanted. 

Around that year and a half point I was feed up and decided to contact a lawyer for the first time. It wasnt a week later she told me she was pregnant. So this change my mind again and really it made things better and us closer. After my sons birth things began to slip away. Hes now almost 2 and I feel more distant than ever. 

Our communication is horrible I just listen to what she says we have never connected on that level. Alot of it is because if I say something she doesnt like or agree then until I submit to her view or opinion the topic never stops. So this results in me shutting down and not telling her my feelings. 

Our sex life is basically horrible I am in no way really attracted to her. I dont like kissing her or anything and we are only intimate when she ingages and alot of times I try to avoid it. 

If it wasnt for my child there is no way I would still be married. We went to a few marriage counciling sessions but that just seemed to be a waste of money and didnt accomplish much. 

She knows im not truely happy and has told me that if I want a divorce then to do it and she would not keep our son from me. But I worry more about him then anything. I know if this happened she would move back to where shes from which is 2hrs away and I would never see him. 

I really dont know if I was in love or just in that googoo stage of dating. I really dont think I knew what love was until I had my son. I know I care for my wife but its more in the way I care for my mom or my sister. Im just kind of bitter about her. 

Im just so confused about what to do I know I am the only one that can make a decision but is there anybody out there that has been through a similar situation? 

I know all marriages have their ups and downs but are you happy most of the time? Some of the time?

Are you happier divorced?

Any productive advice would be appreciated


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I think the question you need to ask yourself is whether you actually really want to be married to this person. Take your son out of the equation for a minute and decide if this is a person you want to share your life with. If not, then you need to go. The longer you delay the inevitable, the worse it's going to be on your son. Do you want him seeing a loveless marriage and learning that this is an okay type of relationship to have? No. Of course not. By staying in this marriage, you're being selfish to your son and your wife. She deserves happiness as much as you do and your son deserves a functional place to grow up. 

Before long your frustration will boil over and you'll do something you regret that you can't take back. You'll meet someone else and have an affair and eventually you'll get caught. Then your son will learn that it is okay to have affairs because daddy did it.

Stop being selfish. It sounds to me like you have no desire to be married to this person. In fact, it sounds like you never wanted to be married to her since you couldn't even have a monogamous relationship prior to marriage. Let her find someone who wants to with her and can give her what she needs. Then you should figure out what makes you happy.

As long as you both love your son and co-parent in a productive manner he'll be fine. He'll be better off seeing two parents who love him live apart happily than seeing two parents who love him and live together miserably.

Staying married because you want to see your son is the wrong thing. Getting divorced because it's the best thing for your son and wife and yourself is the right thing.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

just divorce it sounds like its best for both of you


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Unless you both are interested in saving your marriage, you should split up. It can't be one trying and the other no caring.

And "a few" marriage counseling sessions aren't going to cut it. If you are both committed, go back and try again.

Finally, your son will pick up on the unhappiness in the marriage so staying just for him doesn't make it better.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Part as friends and coparent together. Your son will be far better off in the long run.


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## billybob (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks guys


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Everyone says "co-parent" so casually. What if the OP's desire to father his son trumps his desire for some probability of another happy male-female relationship while being a weekend dad?


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Moco - I see your point, but in my mind there's more to raising a child than just doing what's best for you. Your decisions must be selfless. You have to do what's best for your child and his development regardless of whether that's good for you or not.

Perhaps billybob believes that being stuck in a bad marriage is what's best for his son's development, but in my opinion, it does more harm than good.

Obviously, these are just my opinions, but I would not stay in a bad marriage. I believe it would teach my daughter the wrong lesson about relationships and I wouldn't want her to grow up around miserable parents.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

C123, define "bad marriage", please. If the couple is exemplary in all regards and never argues even behind closed doors--the only thing wrong is that one member of the duo is not satisfied sexually, but doesn't let it show, is that really bad for the child? I don't see what is so selfish about putting one's sexual/relationship satisfaction behind the priority of helping raise a child. If anything, that is selfless.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

This couple is far from "exemplary". If it hasn't already, the resentment will start to show in front of their son.

Every psychologist I have spoken to says staying together for the kids is wrong.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

:iagree:

Chris Taylor hit the nail on the head.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Sorry, I didn't mean this particular couple from the OP. But most couples are like my hypothetical couple from the previous post, with some level of resentment about _something_. You can't raise a child without self-sacrifice, period.


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## billybob (Jul 18, 2012)

The resentment does show we try really hard to not to fight in front of him but sometimes things just blow up. We rarely fight anymore I usually cave in to whatever to avoid it. The resentment is abvious to I know our friends and maybe our familys. 

How do you get to the point of saying I want a divorce. I know if I do this, it will be a nasty deal. How is the best way to approach the "part as friends"? I really dont think that will be possible but how should I try?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You could try another counselor. Look up pro marriage counselors. If that doesn't work then divorce. Maybe both of you can move somewhere in the middle so it's not a 2 hour drive if you divorce.


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## billybob (Jul 18, 2012)

anybody else have any advice???


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stick a fork in this marriage! Its done.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Clearly you do not like the advice that has been given. What advice do you want? 

You've given up on counseling. You don't want to be married to your wife. You don't like her and are not attracted to her. There really isn't any other option.

UNLESS--you stop treating her complaints as criticism and start listening to what she is telling you SHE needs. You quietly start meeting her needs w/o expecting anything in return--but you do not tolerate disrespect from her. You remain calm and relaxed and take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

It's called the 180, and you need it. If you become a better person, she may just start becoming one, too. Search for threads on it, here in the forums.

If you don't like the idea of divorce, this is your only option at this point. Be a good partner-do things that need to be done, without being asked and without having to be reminded. Act like a real grown up taking responsibility for 1/2 of everything that needs to be done, and that happens, in your household. Don't do more than that--don't spoil her. 

Read up on the 180 and it might help you.


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## billybob (Jul 18, 2012)

Is it better to tell her I think we need to try seperation or just say I want a divorce? 

Deep down I dont really want a divorce but also deep down I dont think we will ever be happy togeather.


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## ScratchSF (Jul 17, 2012)

I am a dissenting voice because I think you should try to save your marriage. It sounds like you haven't fully committed yourself to her. I feel like you have a toe in the water but haven't jumped in. Sure, I know you're married to her, but she doesn't feel the commitment because that commitment doesn't come through in your words or by your actions (e.g., you want to avoid intimacy with her).

So, she is hurt because she thought you were committed and could be trusted (she believed you were being monogamous when you weren't). The bad thing is that while she might say she has forgiven you, she really hasn't. She's holding up your past and beating you down with it. (This is why some secrets are needed in a relationship).

The good news is that you know what commitment and unconditional love feels and looks like; because you described it when you wrote about your son. You need to choose to commit to your wife the same way you've committed to your son naturally. I believe commitment is a choice. Then drag your wife into counseling and try to work through your issues once again with this new level of commitment.

I can't say whether your marriage can be saved. But I can say that you have no chance if you're not willing to commit and if she's not willing to truly forgive, heal and learn to trust you again.


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