# Overworked spouse?



## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

My wife is a hard worker. Perhaps too much so. We both work full time, but she regularly spends 9-10 hours a day or more at work. She also brings a lot of work home. I see her on many evenings in the living room with her work laptop, typing away and lamenting how much she needs to do, saying she can't come to bed with me because of what she needs to get done. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night as she finally slips into bed beside me. More than a few times she's stayed up all night (and still heads to work the next day). It definitely cuts into our "us" time more often than I'd like, especially since we don't often get much time together alone on the weekends because we have a little one to look after. I understand that many jobs demand a lot of us these days, and I find myself spending an extra hour or two at the office here and there, too, but this just seems like a lot of time spent working, even for a "demanding" job. Or maybe this is a lot more common than I think, and I just don't know it? Do others feel like their spouse's work habits put stress on the relationship at times?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have had to work like your wife does at my job for some time now. And now that the economy is bad many employers are not hiring the staff they need and pushing more and more work on the employees who they do have.

What you need to look at is if your wife is making work for herself. Is she working harder and longer than the others she works with?

What does she say about the amount of time she is putting in?

Could she find another job that is not so demanding?


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

In this day and age it's becoming more common I'm afraid. I work long hours including weekends sometimes. I'm on leave this week and I have still been working. I live in England and the economy and job prospects here are as bad as anywhere at the moment. Employers recognise this and try to squeeze everything they can out of their employees. Your wife may feel as though she has no choice but to put the hours in. If her employer is considering redundancies she may feel that she has to prove her worth just to protect her position. Alternatively she may just be extremely conscientious !
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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

From her comments to me, I think she would like to work less. In the past, she's said something about having to take on the work of another position as well, but also that she's hoping to alleviate that burden somewhat in the not too distant future.

I suppose maybe it is just a sign of the times.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I don't think it's the sign of the times. It's a sign of misplaced priorities. You have to create a marriage where the your child is mothered, you and your wife interact as husband and wife, and jobs are there to support and enhance the marriage and family, not the other way around.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

As others have said, it's just becoming part of the norm. My wife is always bringing home work and staying a little bit later at work to get things done. I know part of it also has to do a little bit with peer pressure. She's part of the administrative staff and the two people that are above her are there before she gets there in the morning and still there after she leaves at night. One of the women is single and putting everything into her career and the other is older with grown kids, whereas my wife and I have four children ages 8-15. I tell her all the time she needs to have help (which was promised when she agreed to take this job) and that it's not her fault that these other people are at points in their lives when family isn't as important as work.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

mgperkow said:


> My wife is a hard worker. Perhaps too much so. We both work full time, but she regularly spends 9-10 hours a day or more at work. She also brings a lot of work home. I see her on many evenings in the living room with her work laptop, typing away and lamenting how much she needs to do, saying she can't come to bed with me because of what she needs to get done. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night as she finally slips into bed beside me. More than a few times she's stayed up all night (and still heads to work the next day). It definitely cuts into our "us" time more often than I'd like, especially since we don't often get much time together alone on the weekends because we have a little one to look after. I understand that many jobs demand a lot of us these days, and I find myself spending an extra hour or two at the office here and there, too, but this just seems like a lot of time spent working, even for a "demanding" job. Or maybe this is a lot more common than I think, and I just don't know it? Do others feel like their spouse's work habits put stress on the relationship at times?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife needs to understand that she is making a choice here and she is choosing her work over her marriage.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Pretty much everyone at my work puts in extra hours. I usually work a few hours more but I dont take it home with me. Only one of my coworkers takes work home and does it after hours. 

I think there are some people who become workaholics for unhealthy reasons, though. It's not really something they have to do; they do it because the work fills up something that they would have to deal with if they werent working.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

If it weren't for the sexlessness this would be our main marital problem. I've never known anyone who works as much as my husband. He puts in 12-14 hour days then is on the phone with his boss within 5 minutes of walking in the door. He has the laptop on 24/7, brings it into the bathroom with him, falls asleep with it on his chest. He works on the weekends plus has a home business (in the same field) on top of everything else.

He talks incessantly about work. Even when he tries to stop talking about work, the conversation somehow navigates back to the topic. He's even started talking about working during (the very few times) we have sex. :scratchhead:

He's always been this way.... even when the economy was sunnier. I don't think it's normal or a sign of the times. It's almost like an addiction for him.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

Wow. That really does sound like workaholism.

For my part, my wife worked through most of last night and is just now getting home from a long work day. But we're supposed to go away on a quick trip over this weekend. That should be fun, and we'll finally get some quality time alone, hopefully.
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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's just the way it is......you guys can always try a big lifestyle change and work less if that is something you both choose to do?

My wife and more or less enjoy the hustle and bustle. We both work 50-60hrs/wk and then there is violin, Taekwondo, Soccer, Drama Class, Beta Club, etc etc with the three kids. Oh an she's in a Masters Program too.......lol.

Yet we still manage date night, share the chores, but I will say there are times we look at each other ans say "Geesh, I feel like I haven't seen you all week......lol."

We are having date night tom. weeeeeeeeeee...........best of luck!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> It's just the way it is......you guys can always try a big lifestyle change and work less if that is something you both choose to do?
> 
> My wife and more or less enjoy the hustle and bustle. We both work 50-60hrs/wk and then there is violin, Taekwondo, Soccer, Drama Class, Beta Club, etc etc with the three kids. Oh an she's in a Masters Program too.......lol.
> 
> ...


Good for you too having so much energy. I hope it lasts a lifetime.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mgperkow said:


> My wife is a hard worker. Perhaps too much so. We both work full time, but she regularly spends 9-10 hours a day or more at work. She also brings a lot of work home. I see her on many evenings in the living room with her work laptop, typing away and lamenting how much she needs to do, saying she can't come to bed with me because of what she needs to get done. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night as she finally slips into bed beside me. More than a few times she's stayed up all night (and still heads to work the next day). It definitely cuts into our "us" time more often than I'd like, especially since we don't often get much time together alone on the weekends because we have a little one to look after. I understand that many jobs demand a lot of us these days, and I find myself spending an extra hour or two at the office here and there, too, but this just seems like a lot of time spent working, even for a "demanding" job. Or maybe this is a lot more common than I think, and I just don't know it? Do others feel like their spouse's work habits put stress on the relationship at times?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There have many times in my career I have put in 70+ hour weeks. I have done this on development projects and have done when on 24/7 oncall. The total hours are not so much the issue. It is whether those hours drain you for when you are off work. 

I would think that a 50 hour week without weekend work is a pretty common for many professionals. It absolutely depends on what your role is .

What do you do for a living as compared to her?

Actually my life is pretty good these days. I work from 9 to 11 hours a day without oncall and not a whole lot of weekend work. My role demands this of me. That said, I work much fewer hours now but I amke significantly less as well. That was a conscious choice.


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I'm also an office worker, although I work in IT whereas she's an engineer (we work at different companies, just to be clear). My work day is generally pretty consistent in length, although special projects and unexpected occurrences can sometimes extend my days a little here and there. But, for the most part, I don't have to worry about any on-call type situations or take-home projects.

I understand the concept of trading off a certain amount of professional success and advancement opportunities in favor of other parts of your life. I, too, have made such conscious choices on more than one occasion. I just see the rest of life as far to precious to be spent doing nothing but working. Don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy what I do, but doing it 40-50 hours a week is quite enough for me. Beyond that, I want time for my family and hobbies and whatever else I might care to do.

On the other hand, my wife's role in her job seems to be pretty demanding. She seems to have (or at least feel) many responsibilities to her work. At this point, I can see that it's not necessarily so unusual, either. But I guess I feel just a little concerned because she often doesn't seem to be happy working so much, and there's also the impact that it has on our family and on us as a couple, as she often comes home very tired.

But then maybe the whole thing just is one of those "to each, his own" kind of subjects. I don't think my wife would be happy _not_ feeling busy at least to a point. I know I feel similarly myself. But I think one of my concerns lays in suspecting that my wife might feel _overly_ responsible to her work. She often comments when working on extra work that, "she has to do it because, otherwise, no one else will." I don't know. I don't want to be meddlesome or overly interested in my wife's concerns. I mean, on some level, she certainly does _choose_ to do what she does. It's just that sometimes it seems to touch off these little alarm bells in my head, just a little.


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