# How to deal with Emotional affair



## NotLeavingKids (Mar 26, 2012)

I feel like my wife is having an emotional affair. This is more apparent after discovering I had looked at porn (instead of having a higher drive with her). Problem is she's been gone working in the evenings a lot and HE is one of the one's she works with. They have always seemed too close to me. I have been a "nice guy" and that was part of the reason I was taking care of my own business all the time (didn't want to "bother" her... boy was I dumb and a wimp).

Now I am at the point where I think that if I confront her about this and I am wrong I push her over the edge to him or someone else (I am getting the I love you, but I don't feel any attraction towards you right now since the porn). She does want to see a counselor both for marriage and because she thinks she is battling depression (which I agree with, but I can't MAKE her happy. She has divulged that she has fantasized before about just leaving all together and being free from the responsibilities of motherhood and marriage). We can't get into see one for 2 weeks (after her job is done). We still sleep in the same bed and sometimes she even cuddles up to me in the mornings. She says that she thinks it speaks volumes to her that we can still share a bed and that counseling could then help.

My game plan is to not say anything at this point, unless of course she asks my opinion, and try to practice the 180 principles (something that came a little more naturally when we were dating... go figure... and also something that already makes me feel better about who I am and what I want). I am willing to forgive and forget to move on, but also I need to change myself for the better because she may never move on with me. I am already working out everyday and continuing to be the best father I can be, while making sure I take more care of the husbandly duties around the house I had been neglecting. 

Does this seem like the best choice for the time being? I feel like if I get mired up in whether or not something is for sure going on with him or someone else at this point, I look desperate and needy, when I just in reality want to center myself again and take care of who I am, then let the cards fall where they may in counseling.

Las tbut not least, I did tell her that *I* am not going anywhere. I am not leaving my sons. I want her to be there with us, but I guess we will see what happens.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NotLeavingKids said:


> Now I am at the point where I think that if I confront her about this and I am wrong I push her over the edge to him or someone else (I am getting the I love you, but I don't feel any attraction towards you right now since the porn).


 She already is with someone else and you do not want to confront her because you are afraid that she will confirm what you do not want to know. Here is a reality check. If confronting her would lose her, then you do not really have her.



NotLeavingKids said:


> My game plan is to not say anything at this point, unless of course she asks my opinion, and try to practice the 180 principles.





NotLeavingKids said:


> Last but not least, I did tell her that I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving my sons. I want her to be there with us, but I guess we will see what happens.


 If you told her that then you are not practicing the 180. In fact you are doing the exact opposite.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

You sound like you are where I was when I SHOULD have taken action. I let things sit for a few more weeks/month and my WW's relationship only intensified. 

I would make it clear to her that you would like her to put a big check to her relationship with the guy. I would then start monitoring her activities. Check her email accounts, phone logs etc, to see if there is anything to your suspicions. My guess is that you WILL find troubling information. Confront early - and lay down some hard boundaries. 

Your instinct will be to reassure her of your marriage, you will want to WIN her back. This **** doesn't work. Boundaries and consequences at this point - until she ends her relationship with this guy. Until she complies, follow 180. This will make you a better person, AND show her that you will move on if needed.

You need to burst her comfortable cake-eating bubble. Do it hard. If it drives her to OM, you didn't stand a chance to begin with.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

This thread should be titled "How NOT to deal with Emotional affair."

The longer you allow her to carry on with the other man, the less chance you will have to save your marriage. She will grow closer to him and further away from you. She will begin to look at you as a roommate who helps with chores and the kids, him as her lover.

He is telling her, "It's now or never. If you don't choose me over your husband, I'll find somebody else."

You are telling her, "Take your time, enjoy your emotional and physical pleasures with the other man, I will always be here for you."

Eventually, she will tire of the other man. Problem is, that will be three years from now after you're divorced.


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## NotLeavingKids (Mar 26, 2012)

Well, thing is that he already has another girlfriend that he just started up with (she also works with them and my wife is/has been close to her, too). I told her tonight that she needs to temper the relationship. That I know things are weird with us, but she needs to watch how she is carrying on with him, because it will affect her job and life. I won't outright accuse her using the terms emotional affair, because I don't want to get into a pissing match (I looked at porn, she can "make friends", blah blah blah). I just told her the friendship wasn't sitting right with me and she needed an honest outside perspective that it probably wouldn't look right to his girlfriend either. I also told her that I was only doing this to be an honest person for her and to be a better person myself, because if we don't work out, I need to be that for my sons and for anyone else in the future. She tried to initiate hugs before she left for work, but I was generally cool to them to hopefully let her understand that changes are happening within me and I am going to be all I can control and control me I will (compared to how I was before TRYING to convince her of my love and hugging hard and long going in for kisses).


On another note... I just read the 180 today AFTER telling her I wasn't going anywhere. When I mean I am not going anywhere, I am talking about my family. Come hell or high-water those boys will have time with me everyday. If she chooses to stay and be a part of it, great. Unfortunately, wives are a want, not an end all, be all need. I *am *a need for my kids (and she is as well, if she realizes that for sure).


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## NotLeavingKids (Mar 26, 2012)

I have looked at texts, messages and the sort between them. She's talked to him on the phone with me in the room. They talk a lot (its really the volume that concerns me), but I haven't seen or heard anything explicit that crosses the line. That's why I am trying to be honest, but prudent in discussing this with her. I want to be cool calm and collected and not begging or desperate in any way anymore.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

NotLeavingKids said:


> I have looked at texts, messages and the sort between them. She's talked to him on the phone with me in the room. They talk a lot (its really the volume that concerns me), but I haven't seen or heard anything explicit that crosses the line. That's why I am trying to be honest, but prudent in discussing this with her. I want to be cool calm and collected and not begging or desperate in any way anymore.


Any relationship your wife has with another man that makes you uncomfortable is not good and should be something you can talk to her about and have it ended. It does not matter if the OM has a gf really it does not make things "safer" for your marriage simply because he has someone he could be cheating on in this EA.

You are kidding your self. If it bothers you bring it up and ask that it be ended there is nothing wrong with a spouse saying I am uncomfortable. If you don't you are going to watch an EA turn into a PA and fooling your self is not something you can do forever.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy or Married Man Sex Primer. Both will help you.


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## NotLeavingKids (Mar 26, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy or Married Man Sex Primer. Both will help you.


I have not, but I will. Thank you. Is there a way to get them as e-books that anyone knows of? Last thing I want is for them to be delivered to our front door.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

have them delivered to work or a friends house.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

NotLeavingKids said:


> I have looked at texts, messages and the sort between them. She's talked to him on the phone with me in the room. They talk a lot (its really the volume that concerns me), but I haven't seen or heard anything explicit that crosses the line. That's why I am trying to be honest, but prudent in discussing this with her. I want to be cool calm and collected and not begging or desperate in any way anymore.


Did you check the email's? You could install a keylogger on a computer she uses to see if she has been sending any explicit mails.

Does she work in an office environment at evenings or more private? You could always check up on her, secretly of course.


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## NotLeavingKids (Mar 26, 2012)

keko said:


> Did you check the email's? You could install a keylogger on a computer she uses to see if she has been sending any explicit mails.
> 
> Does she work in an office environment at evenings or more private? You could always check up on her, secretly of course.


checked the emails. have Google locator on our phones that shows where we are. 

The thing is how do I deal with this while also doing a 180 and "not spying". I said my peace, that I thought it looked odd from the outside looking in and I felt uneasy about the whole thing and she needs to temper their relationship. Don't feel like there is much else I can say and also put into practice a true 180 that doesn't care and focuses on me. Contradictory? I don't feel like chasing her down. I'm not saying that this'll all work out in the end, but I do need to make sure *I * am better on the other side.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If she is working nites with him---you may have much bigger problem---they may be going physical on you

Why would she stop sex cuz of Porn, Porn may be her excuse to cover up not wanting you cuz she has him


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

NotLeavingKids said:


> checked the emails. have Google locator on our phones that shows where we are.
> 
> The thing is how do I deal with this while also doing a 180 and "not spying". I said my peace, that I thought it looked odd from the outside looking in and I felt uneasy about the whole thing and she needs to temper their relationship. Don't feel like there is much else I can say and also put into practice a true 180 that doesn't care and focuses on me. Contradictory? I don't feel like chasing her down. I'm not saying that this'll all work out in the end, but I do need to make sure *I * am better on the other side.


Google locator is a huge plus, you can check her if she is where she is supposed to be or at a club/motel/etc. 

If you still have doubts, you leave your phone at home and check her at work without showing yourself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The key to dealing with an EA is stopping it as soon as possible. They can escalate overnight. You do not wait for the meails or tests to move into full blown affair. That is too late.

It is already way past inapporpiate and likely at the unfaithful stage. It is possible they are in a PA.

She must go full NC with him. You really do not temper and EA. You must kill it by no contact. She is boinding with him. Not you. Woman connect to have sex. Men have sex to connect. So as they bond she is getting closer to being sexal with him. He will push the issue to connect with her.

You are going about this the wrong way.

She will probably have to quite her job. After she goes through withdrawal she can work on the relationship. She has poor boundaries. You do too. You guys need to do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundarys setting. She is bonding with amother man. There needs to be boundary there. You are enabling your wife to be in an EA. You need to have a better boundary about that.

Tell her this is unaccpetable to you. You have enough proof that they are too close. End it.

I suggest you get busy as ending a full blown PA is more difficult. I am not sure you would want to reconsile after that.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are very foolish and this will no doubt end very badly. If the roles were reversed and you were carrying on with another woman who you work with and at nights would your wife be so accepting as you have been? Your fear will destroy you and your marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She clearly now has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You are in denial and hoping for the best. This is foolish and self-defeating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She wants to see a counselor, she's depressed, she doesn't like you using porn, you have been neglecting her. Porn alone is a deal breaker for a lot of people. 

Go to counseling(was this her idea) and read "Married Man Sex Life"

Do "His Needs Her Needs" with her. Also "Five Love Langusges" And "Love Busters" books.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

:scratchhead::scratchhead:

I agree with entropy you can not temper an EA it has to be a clean cut from the relationship. COLD TURKEY.


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## JustCan'tDeal (Feb 24, 2012)

Stop dancing around the issue. She needs to cut off ALL contact with this man, NOW. I wish I would have done this sooner because my H and I would not be where we are now (a mess) if I had done so sooner. If you want to save your marriage it needs to be done RIGHT NOW!


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