# confused over next steps after the 'talk'



## choose2bhappy (Jun 11, 2013)

This is my first post so I'll give a little background. I've been married for almost 6 years, we've been together for 7. Happy for some of those year but mostly we were busy, distracted people. We got together because it seemed like we had so much in common, including the long-time thought that neither of us would ever get married. We've always had communication issues, miscommunication, explosive arguments or plain avoidance since we knew where it would lead. 

The past 4 years or so we hardly argued at all, because we rarely discussed anything of importance. We enjoyed our time together, took trips, and did our own thing. We grew apart emotionally and physically. We have our separate friends, interests, bedrooms. We work opposite of each other and have no kids, just dogs. I liked it that way until I realized that now, down the line, the slightest deviation from the space I'm so used to feels like an all-out attack or invasion. 

We share a large house together and still do fun things at times but mostly we are much like roommates. I'm ready to move on. There is no affairs on either side, (I know he's faithful even though I told him that he can do what he needs long ago). It's been over a year since we had sex. There is just not much there in terms of intimacy. I feel like the kiss when he leaves or when I get home is just going through the motions, as was our last few times having sex. Pity sex is what he called it. And i feel emotionless toward him, besides caring about his health and well-being. I want him to be happy as I do for myself. I don't think we can be happy together. 

So last night we talked for the first time in years, really talked. It boiled down to him knowing and feeling the sale way I did, except he's not ready to 'leave the house.' He wants to try to save this. I don't think there's anything to save besides our friendship. I did tell him I would try MC, but honestly, I don't think it will work. I want to move through this divorce as painlessly as possible when we are still on good terms.

Today thing seemed like we never talked. I started looking at my bills to see where I would stand as a single person. Thinking about separating accounts...He bought something for the house (that he is leaving, or we both are leaving). He talked about doing something fun later this year, I looked at him quizzically. We played video games as we always do on weekends, but My mind was elsewhere. I filled out a request for a MC through my job, and looked up divorce laws online. 

Clearly, I'm more ready to move forward than he is, he recognized that last night. I told him I've been mentally processing that for months and especially the last few weeks. I told him I would give time to process it all.

I want to talk to him about my keeping the house and how he doesn't want to leave it. I'm willing to walk away if he'd rather both of us leave, but he can't afford it on his own, and I probably can, at least until the market picks up in a year or two. It's in both of our names and I don't have cash to buy him out but I could offset some of our debts with it, possibly.

So after all of that, here is my question. How should I approach the subject in the future, near future? I don't want to fall into the same rut by not bringing it up again. I also don't want to throw it in his face ever day. I want him to start making plans, building some savings. Think about where he'll go and what he will do. But I don't to come off as a b$#&! I'm definitely more stoic and I'm sure I seem okay with the whole horrible thing, but that's just my nature. I want to get down to business. How can I be delicate about this. 
PLEASE HELP!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

First of all, there is no "delicate" about divorce. It is the end of the marriage. You must face it realistically and so must he.

You should consult with an attorney and begin separating your finances. Separate bank accounts. Close all jointly held credit cards. Have discussions with him on the separation of personal property (furniture, vehicles, etc) and be realistic about the marital home. You have to make decisions. He has to make decisions. If he cannot decide what to do, then you have to go with whatever your own plan is.

From your post, it appears that, even though you have discussed getting a divorce, he seems inclined to keep moving forward in "limbo", making future plans for you together. He needs a reality check. If you are adamant that you want out, you must convey that to your H in no uncertain terms and encourage him to make final decisions for himself.


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## choose2bhappy (Jun 11, 2013)

thank you Survivorwife. thats what I needed to hear.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Did he not live up to your expectations in terms of masculinity? You need to tell where he failed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Maybe they both failed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who moved to the other bedroom?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Maybe they both failed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Right? He doesn't seem all that excited about her. Anyone that admits having pity sex is not that excited. He should tell her where she failed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## choose2bhappy (Jun 11, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Maybe they both failed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think we both failed, too. We never built this marriage. We jumped in and started just living, still being our independent selves. We were busy, school, working, life...now that the dust has settled, I'm numb. It's like there's nothing there. At first I was content to living this way, since we are still friends, but I've started to lash out. I think I've been pushing stuff down for so long it's boiling over. 

I moved out of the bedroom in our 2nd year because of the arguments we had in the middle of the night. Stupid stuff, no sleep, had to get up after 1 or 2 hours of sleep for a long day of school. I slept on a loveseat and had the best sleep of my life. Ever since. (I have a bed now though). 

He didn't admit to having pity sex, he'd THANK me for it...

I'm still unsure of what to do but we are looking into counseling.

Thanks for the replies


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

choose2bhappy said:


> I think we both failed, too. We never built this marriage. We jumped in and started just living, still being our independent selves. We were busy, school, working, life...now that the dust has settled, I'm numb. It's like there's nothing there. At first I was content to living this way, since we are still friends, but I've started to lash out. I think I've been pushing stuff down for so long it's boiling over.
> 
> I moved out of the bedroom in our 2nd year because of the arguments we had in the middle of the night. *Stupid stuff*, no sleep, had to get up after 1 or 2 hours of sleep for a long day of school. I slept on a loveseat and had *the best sleep of my life*. Ever since. (I have a bed now though).
> 
> ...


Do you even remember what you argued about? Were the arguments driven by dissatisfaction? You were increasingly feeling the loss of attraction to him. While he kept hoping to have sex and ignore for feelings.

The best sleep of your life.  He really turns you off. I think your marriage is hopeless.

Can you give a single example of how he has been able to stand up for himself or you in some conflict situation, not in your marital relations but in some interaction. If some company has ripped you off and is trying to wriggle out of it, can he with a few words put a stop to the bullshı† and straighten things out. Or do you find that he is just f'ing it up even more and you have takeover?

When a man doesn't know that is wife is not enjoying sex, but just observing and hoping it will end soon, there must be so much contempt. You must feel horrible about it. How did you manage to disabuse him of the mistaken notion that sex with him was good?


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## choose2bhappy (Jun 11, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Do you even remember what you argued about? Were the arguments driven by dissatisfaction? You were increasingly feeling the loss of attraction to him. While he kept hoping to have sex and ignore for feelings.
> 
> The best sleep of your life.  He really turns you off. I think your marriage is hopeless.
> 
> ...


I actually DO remember what the arguments were about. And back then, early in the relationship the sex was not bad, we just have never been an intimate, romantic couple. I don't even know if that's what I ever wanted (since my parents were the same and it's just what i'm used to) but I feel that it drove a wedge between us early on. We have always been 'friends.' But then when 'couple decisions' come up, things like compromising became really difficult.

And no I can't think of that situation that he's stood up for himself or me, but that's not to say that it hasn't ever happened. I just don't have a good memory. I'll think about that one though. 

And I really do feel horrible about the way things are turning out. It took me a LONG time to even bring it up to him, because I take a lot of the blame, and he seemed content. I tried to hide my feelings and hoped they would change but like I said before I started sort of 'boiling over' just snapping at him for the littlest thing. That's when I knew I had to say something. I didn't want to hurt him like that and I realized that he COULDN'T possibly be happy like this. 

I also admit that I am a complete weirdo who likes my quiet time alone. I like sleeping by myself and I always have through every relationship I've had. I like that I work in the evenings and only see him on weekends really, and it's always been that way, even when things were going well. Even if it seems contrary, it's the way we've lasted this long. It would have been nice if our weekends together were cherished and fun, romantic and meaningful. But I took no steps toward that and neither did he, and we did friend type stuff, video games, movies and eating out. Then added cleaning and housework and bill pay. And then Monday's here. 

We will be discussing this again this weekend but I have a question. I've learned a lot on this site and learned about the 180. I'm pretty sure he's doing that this week, but I mean' c'mon I KNOW what he's trying to do. I'm trying to see this as 'aww, he's trying to save the marriage' but it's annoying the hell out of me because what it looks like is that he's leaving all the housework to me now. (he used to do half dishes (as in he'd put them away and i'd clean them). he'd take out the garbage etc. Should I mention it or just let him do what he needs to? 

I will also say, I think it's over. I want to end this while we are still on speaking terms, while there is no bitterness or deception. I told him I'd try counseling but I've spent the last 6 months getting over this relationship, so I feel numb, just numb. All of the care that I have left has to do with HIS feelings, wanting him to be happy, wanting to help him make the transition to move on. But for me, as I peel back layers of feelings there's just this void left.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

choose2bhappy said:


> I actually DO remember what the arguments were about. And back then, early in the relationship the sex was not bad, we just have never been an intimate, romantic couple. I don't even know if that's what I ever wanted (since my parents were the same and it's just what i'm used to) but I feel that it drove a wedge between us early on. We have always been 'friends.' But then when 'couple decisions' come up, things like compromising became really difficult.
> 
> *And no I can't think of that situation that he's stood up for himself or me, but that's not to say that it hasn't ever happened. I just don't have a good memory. I'll think about that one though.*
> 
> ...


Void, as in this is a dead relationship. There is already bitterness and deception but no cheating.


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