# Blame



## FruitoftheLoom (Feb 8, 2010)

I'm sorry to say I got involved with a married man. The affair lasted two years and it's now over. I fully want to reconnect with my husband, so in doing so I confessed everything to him because for the past several months he has blamed himself for the decline in our marriage, something I feel awful about. We are now fighting to put the pieces back together for the sake of ourselves and our daughter and it's incredibly straining.

My husband got in touch with the wife of my xAP and told her of the affair. She had no idea. Now, my xAP is so furious with my husband and blames him for his marriage falling apart. I'm so scared that will he do something to hurt my husband. Has anybody experience of this? I know I've ruined things for us but I want to protect what I have left and I don't know how.

Please help.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

well, you are in a messy situation, but I'm proud of you to have come clean and want to work things out with your husband, your husband did the right thing in telling the wife of the OM.....it's not his fault that his marriage is in a mess now, it's his own fault, he had choices as we all do........time for everyone to take ownership is what is needed here.....
You and your husband just need to work on your relationship now, talk, go to counselling and see if you two can get past this....it will be tough, but now you use this as an opportunity to make things great between you.....figure out why the marriage got to the point that an affair happened, decide what is important now and see if it's worth it to continue......
don't let the OM or his wife take anymore of your marriage.....
zero contact now is a must.......
make your husband believe you are serious about your new committment.........good luck


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When people wish to achieve a state of grace they do pennance. Yours is simple. In a very short - very aggressive manner communicate to your xAP that blaming your H is total BS, that when the two of you chose to play with fire you BOTH knew you were taking a huge risk. And that he needs to MAN UP and take responsibility for what happened and stop trying to blameshift. 





FruitoftheLoom said:


> I'm sorry to say I got involved with a married man. The affair lasted two years and it's now over. I fully want to reconnect with my husband, so in doing so I confessed everything to him because for the past several months he has blamed himself for the decline in our marriage, something I feel awful about. We are now fighting to put the pieces back together for the sake of ourselves and our daughter and it's incredibly straining.
> 
> My husband got in touch with the wife of my xAP and told her of the affair. She had no idea. Now, my xAP is so furious with my husband and blames him for his marriage falling apart. I'm so scared that will he do something to hurt my husband. Has anybody experience of this? I know I've ruined things for us but I want to protect what I have left and I don't know how.
> 
> Please help.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

FruitoftheLoom said:


> ...Now, my xAP is so furious with my husband and* blames him for his marriage falling apart*. I'm so scared that will he do something to hurt my husband. Has anybody experience of this? I know I've ruined things for us but I want to protect what I have left and I don't know how.


First I would like to make one thing very crystal clear. It is NOT your husband contacting his wife that made your xAP's marriage fall apart. It is your xAP's behavior! He was disloyal, unfaithful, deceitful and betrayed his wife--and *THAT* is what broke up his marriage. The fact that he blames others for his own choices only points out that he lacks personal responsibility for his own choices. 

If you want to protect your marriage in your husband,* DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONTACT YOUR xAP!!* I mean that in the most serious of ways! You should have *NO *contact with your xAP at all, ever! *NONE*!!! If you re-contact, even for this, you are putting your marriage in the place of having the third party involved again. This is really quite easy. Your husband is a grown man and can take care of anything your xAP can dish out. If it becomes stalking or harassment file a police report. If it continues file a restraining order. 

*Do NOT use this as an excuse to be in contact!! *


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