# Not sure I can trust my wife with her friend



## helplesshusband (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for over 16 years. For the most part our marriage was a good marriage with the exception of affection and intimacy. She is an amazing woman and has shown me nothing but respect for almost all of our marriage. She cheated on my with a friend of hers about 2 years into our marriage. Her friend was another woman. She appologized and said it would never happen again and it was a mistake. I forgave her without question and it was never brought up again or an issue again until now. We have been having some problems and all of a sudden she has a new best friend. Our problems started with her new friend. She has pushed me completely out of her life and only wants to be with her friend. She swears there is nothing going on between them and as much as I want to believe her, I just can't forget what happened before. She has been going through a lot lately including a very serious surgery and has had so much pressure on her. I know her and her friend have gotten an emotional connection better than we ever have. She doesn't go out much without the kids so I don't know when they would be doing anything if they were but I just can't stop thinking somehow its going on or will. All they do is text and talk on the phone and now my wife locks her phone. So many reasons to suspect her and I know she has never lied to me before about things. She never had to tell me about it the first time it happened, I would have never found out. I have lost my trust in her and that is a painful thing. She just doesn't understand why I feel suspicious and has gotten very angry because I asked her if it was going on again.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

You're asking her to out herself.
Doesn't work quite like that.
The underlying issues were not properly dealt with the first time , so the problem seems to be reoccurring.

Why not suggest some marriage counseling to her and see her reaction.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She doesn't understand how pushing her husband aside and excluding him for someone else might just set some alarms off? She has to be joking. She laid the foundation for distrust years ago. The problem is that she suffered no consequences so she might feel your response is out of the blue. 

Her behaviour is suspicious... so like any sane person, you are interpreting her secrecy and treatment of you as threatening to your marriage. Given the "Deja But All Over Again"-ness of it, denial without understanding how she is triggering you makes me more certain under you are about to be cheated on again if you haven't been already. 

you have a couple of ways you could go about this. you can lay low and going to information gathering. or you can go straight to her and say that you want to see her phone right now and that if she won't give it to you you can only assume that she's cheating and you would like her to leave. 

it's unfortunate that cheaters are smart enough to know that they follow a script. so they rely on being self-righteously indignant and trying to say that you're crazy. don't put up with her s*** and don't rug sweep. 

so what are you going to do if you have proof that she's cheated;;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

"Hi honey. The battery on my phone died. Can I use yours? Oh, it's locked now? Would you please unlock it for me? I need to make a business call so I want to take it in another room. I'll be a while...thanks."

She refuses? It tells you a lot. She actually unlocks the phone? The texts will tell you even more.

Odd how they can lie and deceive and just not think you have a clue. Even when you tell them you have a clue.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your gut feeling is telling you that she is cheating. EA at least
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, we have our inner gut feeling for a reason. You wife cheated, doesn't matter what sex it was, it was still cheating. She is throwing up all kinds of red flags. Pay attention to them. There are ways you can find out, but it won't be from her. You will have to go digging. 

I am truly sorry and hope she is not cheating. But at a minimum she is excluding you and that is still wrong.

If it was me, I would dig around quietly and rule out cheating first. If she clearly is not doing that, then you need to have a good heart to heart with her and counseling should be an option. 

Don't be a pushover.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Agree with JustHer


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Being angry and indignant is what everybody does when they are accused of cheating. The innocent do it because they're innocent and the guilty do it because they want you to think they're innocent.

There has never, in the history of the world, been a cheating spouse who immediately confessed when asked whether something was going on. It's comical that you even tried that route.

First, you have to decide whether you will accept your wife cheating on you. If you will, then just let it go.

If you can't accept it, then you have two choices. First, you secretly gather evidence. Put spyware on her phone. Put a voice-activate recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car, or hidden wherever she uses the phone.

Second, you can go caveman. Print out some DIY separation papers and fill them out. Then, go to her and ask to see her phone. If she refuses, hand her the papers and ask her to sign them. Give her 30 seconds to decide whether she will let you see her phone, or begin moving out. You need big, brass balls to do this. But it sometimes works.

The advantage to investigating is that you learn more than you do by confronting. The advantage to confronting is that you have a chance to stop the affair in its tracks, sometimes before it develops into a sexual relationship.

Good luck.


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