# Waiting for Spouse



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

How long is reasonable to wait for spouse if your in counseling and your spouse is not? weeks? months?


do you demand that if they want to work on it that they actually work on it?? or do you say nothing and continue to drift emotionally away from your spouse?


or do you just tell them to get the hell on?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Everyone is different but I personally don't have a lot of patience. I will work my butt off for my marriage but I need at least some crumbs thrown back my way to keep going. If I get absolutely NOTHING back I will assume they want out and I will let them go. Timeline...less than 6 months.

Of course take my advice with a grain of salt because I've never actually been in your situation. Even at our worst my husband has always been willing to do "some" work unlike your wife who isn't doing anything.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

r u and your husband ok now?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

socal04 said:


> r u and your husband ok now?


I'm in individual counseling now to fix my part in the dynamic (3 months now). While I've got a ways to go my husband is responding well to my changes. I think I can officially say as of yesterday I've been upgraded from just getting crumbs to getting actual bites now.

I'm hopeful but am not out of the woods yet. He's passive aggressive and that does not bode well for a marriage.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

good job... keep working


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

How long have you been separated?
The thing is, you can't demand that she does anything. She is her own person and demanding things from her may push her farther away.

As hard as it is, continue to focus on yourself and fixing the things you need to fix for you. In the long run you'll be a better person for it, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

well i would say since April 3rd.. almost 2 months now...

not sure exactly why im still meeting all her financial needs though.. doesnt sound like a bad deal for her. i assume she doesnt miss sex that much.. or maybe sex pales in comparison to affection and emotional issues for women..


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is your goal? 

If you your spouse to do counselling and they refuse, you need to accept that is their position.

Generally, I think anytime you're waiting for someone to do something, you're wasting your time.

In the interim, I'd continue counselling. It's good for you.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

she says she commited to making marriage work and that shes working on herself without talking to someone... uhhh okkk..

says she might talk to my counselor... but every seems like shes doing nothing..


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I envy you guys that say you are working on it. I am afraid we are done! Today, for some reason, I am doing poorly. I am really emotionally weak right now trying to hold back tears. So hard while I am at work. My heart actually aches! She is going out of town this weekend back to her home town (about 5 hours away). Heard her talking on the phone with her SIL last night about her and them going out to some club/bar to part it up this Saturday. I am staying home to help my daughter and her husband move to a new apartment. Why am I so feeling so alone? I can't break down in front of anyone, and I can't get away from here to be in private. WTF, I think I need help but I don't know if I should go back to our marriage counselor or find me a new IC which will be like starting the counseling all over again. I don't know why our MC would even want to see me if I am not with W. Anyway, If I am alone at home this weekend, I think that won't be good for me. Wow, I sound pathetic; I am having a pity party and sharing it with the company of you guys here. Sorry folks, I am just down today.


----------



## maxter (May 24, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I envy you guys that say you are working on it. I am afraid we are done! Today, for some reason, I am doing poorly. I am really emotionally weak right now trying to hold back tears. So hard while I am at work. My heart actually aches! She is going out of town this weekend back to her home town (about 5 hours away). Heard her talking on the phone with her SIL last night about her and them going out to some club/bar to part it up this Saturday. I am staying home to help my daughter and her husband move to a new apartment. Why am I so feeling so alone? I can't break down in front of anyone, and I can't get away from here to be in private. WTF, I think I need help but I don't know if I should go back to our marriage counselor or find me a new IC which will be like starting the counseling all over again. I don't know why our MC would even want to see me if I am not with W. Anyway, If I am alone at home this weekend, I think that won't be good for me. Wow, I sound pathetic; I am having a pity party and sharing it with the company of you guys here. Sorry folks, I am just down today.


brighterlight,
I feel for you. Same thing happening to me. The W and my two girls are leaving Sat morning to go to her mom's home 2hrs away for the holiday weekend. She told me this week, since everything recently blew up with us, that I should stay in a motel Friday night so she can get a good nights sleep for once. WTF? I don't do anything to bother or disturb her sleep. I'm the one who lays awake every night for hours starring at the ceiling wondering where my life is headed. So I'm looking at being home alone all weekend with all this $hit on my mind and missing my kids. If you need to, go see your counselor. If you can get in! Mine is so overbooked I must schedule appts 2 mos in advance. Not much help in a crisis situation. So glad I found this place. Hang in there, be strong. We can make it through this weekend at least!


----------



## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

One year ago my wife told me she lost her feelings for me and if nothing changes we should split up in a year. Well guess one, the one year is up next week and she said she will let me know what she has decided. Talk about long term planning or what.

Anyway, I did IC for a few months; she refused to. I tried everything under the sun to work on my marriage; she did nothing.

She checked out months ago and started doing her own thing as if I was invisible. So now here we are with a week left in that year and I am just waiting to hear what she decides.

I am at the fork in the road and I have decided I will choose one path and never look back. If its to stay together, I will try my hardest to make it work. If its to split up, I will try my hardest to move on.

So in my case its a year.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Twindad, thanks. I know we can do this. It's like each hour of each day is an up and a down for me. One moment I am perfectly OK (at least I feel that way) and then the next I am so deep in sorrow I am almost non-functional. I don't know what exactly it is I am supposed to do this weekend. At least I will be pre-occupied with my daughters move this Saturday, as for Sat night, Sunday and Monday - Geez. I really am in such an emotional roller coaster right now at times I feel like just blowing everybody off and going out to a club/bar/pool hall to see if I can find someone to be with. I know, deep down inside, I know I can't do that but being alone doesn't help either. Maybe going to our church chapel and praying will give me some peace but I am not sure I want to be seen sobbing. I am a wreck and I know you are too. I feel for us and I know everyone says it will get better but will it really, and how soon. I love the outdoors, I was thinking about going to the beach this weekend but when I really thought about it - it will just remind me of us and all the good times we had there; dammit she messed my heart up bad.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

socal04 said:


> well i would say since April 3rd.. almost 2 months now...
> 
> not sure exactly why im still meeting all her financial needs though.. doesnt sound like a bad deal for her. i assume she doesnt miss sex that much.. or maybe sex pales in comparison to affection and emotional issues for women..


Isn't this where that man up stuff comes in? If she won't work on marriage you pull the plug on the financial needs. I'm not saying kick her to the curb or starve her but stop with the luxuries (put that money in your lawyer fund). She's got it too easy right now so where is the motivation to change?

She's got you on the couch and your money. Hows that working for you? I'd be pissed if I were in your shoes especially since she isn't even trying.

And that wait a year thing is BS. It does not take that long to decide whether you want to be married or not.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip dude, magnoliagal is right. A year is too long. Mine did that to me, and then I had to wait another year while we battled her illness so talk about BS. In retrospect from my experience - a year is too long to leave you dangling (mine was two years with one year timeout). You know what, as hurt and pissed as I am now, when I think about it, it would have been nice to catch her off gaurd 4 months into it and me bust out with, "you know what, I just made your mind up for you!" g'bye!!! But we all know that isn't how it works - especially if you have children and you still love your SO.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ugh, you can't make people do stuff like that. They are in or they are out. I learned that one the hard way.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'll consider what everyone said... thanks...


----------

