# Help hurt needs a mans view



## lmh24 (Mar 1, 2009)

*Help me,hurted*

We have been living together for 16 years. He had a affair that lasted a month,told me about we were working it out even though it was hard on me. I thought thing were going good. But he just moved out 4 weeks ago and stated he needs time and space. I think he left for this women. I have done everything for this guy I love him very much and its killing me inside but i think he did this cause of her . He tells me there is no other women he just needs time. I don't know we had a good sex life, we were friends, we enjoy being with each other. We did have arguement, but got thru them. I never cheated on him. I told him she is no good if she slept with him in the same month they started talking. He say he loves me but not the same way,what is that u don't lose love for some one over night. Have i already lost him to her? What do i do? How do i get him back? When i talk to him and start to cry ,he don't want to talk anymore. So i try to not to cry but its hard ,cause i think of everything we have and had done together to end like this is messed up.We talk and hang out but its not the same. I miss him.I told him to lets go to get counseling but he don't want to. What to do please help me with some advise.


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## stillhurtin (Feb 10, 2009)

get councling by your self. don't call him, let him call you. don't amswer the phone if you know it is him, make him wonder what you are doing.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

If he left saying he needed space, give it to him. If you continue to be there for him and/or get emotional around him you give him no reason to want to come back. 

The best thing you can do now is to take care of you. Go out with friends, do things on your own, pamper yourself. 

If he sees you are fine without him, he will have to really think about if this is what he wants...otherwise, you give him no reason to really question what he's doing. 

If he is seeing the other woman again, I would definitely back off...just me but I would not be cool with having to compete with that. If it runs its course and he wants to come back to you, then it should put the ball in your court, whether you can get past that and forgive him.


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## lmh24 (Mar 1, 2009)

*Re: Help me,hurted*

We have been together for 16 years. He had a affair that lasted a month,told me about it, we were working it out even though it was hard on me. He just moved out and stated he needs time and space. That he needs to forget stuff that happen in the pass that he was keeping in,money issue,house problem and that affair which I think was a big issue. I have done everything for this guy I love him very much and its killing me inside but i think he did this cause of her or someone else. He tells me there is no other women he just needs time and space. I told him all the time and space is not going to let him forget the pass if he don't and we don't work out our issue together. I try to talk to him sometime and he get upset or just listens and don't respond. He has put up a wall. He has become a different person. When i spoke to his sister and his sister question him him got upset. I told her I think your brother is cheating again. We had a good sex life, we were friends and enjoyed each other. Everybody say he is going though a midlife crisis. I don't know whats going on with him. I want to work this out but he don't seem to want to for right now. He states he needs time. He say he loves me but not the same way,and that we should start over dating in time and if something rekindles than fine. I don't understand how u lose love for someone overnight? We talk and hang out but its not the same. I miss him. What is going on with him? What to do to get him to see and understand what he is doing? Right now he has more money issue and he is trying to find another job but right now it hard because it slow and no one is hiring. I think he needs counseling ,but he don't want it cause he said he don't need someone to tell him what he needs to do. Help me with this issue.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

" I don't understand how u lose love for someone overnight?"

You don't, this is probably something you don't want to hear, but he lost his love for you over time and just told you about it "over nght". 

It is almost always a gradual thing.

Can it be rekindled? Absolutely
WIll it take some work? Absolutely

I agree with the advice you got above, give him space, live your life, go out, have fun with friends, don't call him, etc. If he sees you are doing great on your own he just may come running back.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Ok, so the first thing to understand is that in most cases, there is a strong emotional attachment to the other person... Remember that he got involved with this other person most likely over a period of time.

It all starts out as friendly communication... Small talk. Then flirting, then an attachment comes to life. It isn't normally as though the spouse just goes out the door thinking that they are going to go find Mr. or Mrs. right that day. These things develop over time.

The fact that there was such an affair has put him in a strange position... I know "What right does he have for HIS feelings", but as Human beings, we tend to follow our emotions rather strongly. In the animal world, when a wildebeest gets eaten by the lions, the partner looks on and probably things "That sucks..." and then moves on to another mate.

In the Human world, it isn't so cut and dry. Look at it from this angle (and understand that I am NOT trying to justify, minimize or "make it right", I am just plainly stating the facts.) He became involved with another woman. He has feelings for her that probably have become sparse in your marriage (normal) and he probably sees a "spark" with this other woman that is not only enticing, but confusing his judgment at the same time, because that "spark" that you shared with him has gone away long ago and far away. As the affair progressed, he probably remembered a time when the two of you shared those feelings. He probably began to feel that they would never come back without a HUGE mountain of work, if at all.

Now, all of a sudden, here is this new woman with whom he shares those feelings. It makes her look all the more attractive in his cloudy eyes. In many cases, the spouse unfortunately makes the decision to pursue the new person with the idea that these feelings will never go away, but not so far into the relationship, it all begins to settle and those feelings do, indeed begin to fade. It may be only then that he realizes the magnitude of his mistakes.

At this time, he is probably sitting somewhere, maybe with her, maybe not, but he is mentally comparing the two of you as if holding each of you up to the light side by side, one in each hand. He is confused. He knows that he has hurt you, and may feel that you will never trust him ever again no matter what he does... And, if he comes "home", you probably won't trust him for a long time, if ever again. He probably feels like this new woman will trust him out of the gate, so he won't have to work for it, and therefore makes her look like an attractive choice. "I won't make the same mistakes with her and it will be good forever."

The cards may be stacked against you right now, but what you can do is to wake up in the morning, look at yourself in the mirror and be satisfied that you are the best you can be. Make sure to respect yourself. If you don't respect yourself, identify those things that are draining your self-respect and work on them.

Find a trusted friend to talk to... Not someone who is over eager to push their advice on you, but more or less someone who will just listen to you and not pass judgment. Someone who will be encouraging to you, and who will be there for you 24/7.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to make him choose you and to come running home to your arms, and approaching him as "needy" or "clingy", Desperate" or any of that will just make you unattractive in his eyes.

He does not fully understand the ramifications of his choosing the other woman at this time. He isn't thinking about child support, alimony, or any of the other real-world issues that he will face as a result of his current actions.

I wish I had something better to offer you, but I don't. I can read your posts and offer you encouragement, but I cannot tell you how to "get him back" as only HE has the answer to that.

Please do let us know how things progress!

~Moog


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## lmh24 (Mar 1, 2009)

*Re: Help me,hurted*



lmh24 said:


> We have been together for 16 years. He had a affair that lasted a month,told me about it, we were working it out even though it was hard on me. He just moved out and stated he needs time and space. That he needs to forget stuff that happen in the pass that he was keeping in,money issue,house problem and that affair which I think was a big issue. I have done everything for this guy I love him very much and its killing me inside but i think he did this cause of her or someone else. He tells me there is no other women he just needs time and space. I told him all the time and space is not going to let him forget the pass if he don't and we don't work out our issue together. I try to talk to him sometime and he get upset or just listens and don't respond. He has put up a wall. He has become a different person. When i spoke to his sister and his sister question him him got upset. I told her I think your brother is cheating again. We had a good sex life, we were friends and enjoyed each other. Everybody say he is going though a midlife crisis. I don't know whats going on with him. I want to work this out but he don't seem to want to for right now. He states he needs time. He say he loves me but not the same way,and that we should start over dating in time and if something rekindles than fine. I don't understand how u lose love for someone overnight? We talk and hang out but its not the same. I miss him. What is going on with him? What to do to get him to see and understand what he is doing? Right now he has more money issue and he is trying to find another job but right now it hard because it slow and no one is hiring. I think he needs counseling ,but he don't want it cause he said he don't need someone to tell him what he needs to do. Help me with this issue.


Thank you.I tried to stay back some but it hurts to much. He was distant at first,so sometimes i waited on him to call me,really tough. I don't know but i think its over with her,he has been calling me more . We have been hang out and slowly returning to being a couple ,no sex. He is still living on his own like i am. So we hang out together in his place and then i leave. We kiss a little more he finally hug me. I just don't know what to think i just hope it's true. He stated we have been through a lot together plus that incident(affair). So i asked him are u saying we can't work it out and he said i did not said that. He said I hope we can. I said to him he needs to forget and put it behind him. So i don't know if he trying to work it out and open up to me once and for all and put this behind us. So we can start over.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

*Re: Help me,hurted*

my first advice is to read a book called love must be tough by james dobson I think you need to be strong and make it sound like he is losing you forever then he may turn around and come back some times pulling away is hard but that is just what may save your relationship he might be feeling sufficated so give him his space and see what happens


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## SweetBillyV (Mar 28, 2009)

Get yourself straight first, then focus on the relationship.


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