# My husband can't. What do I do now?



## Hmmmmm. (Feb 3, 2018)

My husband and myself have been together for 20 years. I completely adore him (give or take the normal marriage gripes) and we can sit for hours and talk about anything. He makes me laugh and I cannot imagine a life without him.

What's the problem? After 10 years of getting on him about his health and taking better care of himself, he can no longer perform due to his health deteriorating. I am extremely fit and into eating right and yoga. You know, the whole healthy body, healthy mind lifestyle. I am very active and take how I look and feel very seriously. With that said, I am EXTREMELY sexual.

My husband is the opposite. When we were dating, he used to play ball 3 times a week, golf and do things. It seems that ever since we had kids, 18 years ago, he's gotten lazy. After constant warnings from his doctor and myself, he cannot perform and has not been able to for a year.

What do I do? I'm frustrated, dissatisfied and craving physical intimacy but I don't know how to get these things without go against the man I married. Any ideas?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What health issues has he got? 

Have you told him that you cant face a future with no sex?

Are there things you can do together such as go for a good walk each day or do a sport together?

Is he wiling to make sure you are sexually satisfied in other ways?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell him he needs to get in shape or he is going to lose the marriage. If he starts buy a vibrator and give him a year. Then decide.


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## Hmmmmm. (Feb 3, 2018)

He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension. HE refuses to work out with me because he says he can't. I go hiking, running, dancing, swimming, but he never wants to join me.

As soon as he ends, he apologizes and goes to sleep. My frustration is real and he knows it. I can't feel bad for him anymore because I'm beginning to resent his selfishness.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Is there a possibility that he is depressed? If there is one sure way to kill yourself slowly, it is to act like your husband. I know, I used to weigh in at 325. Big boy, carried around a fvck-load of anger and massive depression. Didn't pay attention, ate like I was still in my 20's, smoked like a chimney. Had the first heart attack at 40, second, the widow-maker, at 45. Found out I was diabetic on the gurney as they were wheeling me into the ER. Had a total cascading systemic clot while they were trying to put in a stent. Was in a coma for four days, regained consciousness long enough to hear the attending tell my wife that he did not think I was going to make it. Last thing I heard was her scream. I awoke a total mess. I lost most of my immunity. I got back my childhood diseases. Real nice having Chicken Pox again at 50. It took ten years to slowly regain my health. I got my depression under control, with medication, meditation, and exercise. I got the diabetes under control, and have lost 135 pounds at this writing. I am 63, and my best years are still ahead of me. I still have the best wife and we do our "road work" together, weather permitting. We hit the gym three-four times a week. 

Do him a favor, get him in to see a physician, this can all be reversed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hmmmmm. said:


> He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension. HE refuses to work out with me because he says he can't. I go hiking, running, dancing, swimming, but he never wants to join me.
> 
> As soon as he ends, he apologizes and goes to sleep. My frustration is real and he knows it. I can't feel bad for him anymore because I'm beginning to resent his selfishness.


OK so who does the shopping and cooking? If its you then make sure that there is no unhealthy food around and that all meals are healthy. We have found that having certain thing in the house is too tempting so we just don't buy them. So no sweets, biscuits, cakes, chocolate, deserts, icecream, fizzy drinks, fatty meat, white flour sugary cereals etc. 

Is he on medication for the hypertension? Is his diabetes under control? Has he been offered a drug to help him with his erection issues?

In the end he may just feel overwhelmed by all his health issues, and you can't force him to do more exercise. Would he have just a short walk with you each day? If he is very overweight that may be all he can do but its a start and gradually he can walk further. How much weight are we talking about?


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## 1RedKing (Jun 3, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Tell him he needs to get in shape or he is going to lose the marriage. If he starts buy a vibrator and give him a year. Then decide.


A year is too much time (in my opinion).
I'd consider three months a generous enough time frame to see real change and commitment on his behalf, otherwise you're just wasting daylight.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

1RedKing said:


> A year is too much time (in my opinion).
> I'd consider three months a generous enough time frame to see real change and commitment on his behalf, otherwise you're just wasting daylight.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk


Unfortunately one of the hard truths in marriage is that you can't force your partner to change. Only they can change themself. You can reinforce their changes with positive feedback, but you can't make them change.

You can set boundaries and you set limits on how you will be treated.

MW Davis book Divorce Busting explains how you can do things that change the dynamics in amarriage such to encourage change, but only your spouse can change themself

Good luck to the OP.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hmmmmm. said:


> He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension. HE refuses to work out with me because he says he can't. I go hiking, running, dancing, swimming, but he never wants to join me.
> 
> As soon as he ends, he apologizes and goes to sleep. My frustration is real and he knows it. I can't feel bad for him anymore because I'm beginning to resent his selfishness.


As soon as he ends? I though he couldn't ??

Must be extreamly hard to try when you have heart failure .


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hmmmmm. said:


> He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension. HE refuses to work out with me because he says he can't. I go hiking, running, dancing, swimming, but he never wants to join me.
> 
> As soon as he ends, he apologizes and goes to sleep. My frustration is real and he knows it. I can't feel bad for him anymore because I'm beginning to resent his selfishness.


So what, if anything, have you done to SHOW him you're walking out that door unless she shapes up?

It is unreasonable to think you can force him to change.

It is not unreasonable, however, to want a healthy spouse that can hopefully live as long as you

Additionally, it is not unreasonable to tell him what you cannot and will not accept any longer. Then to leave when he is unwilling to even try to meet your needs or requirements.

Opposite lifestyles are a huge challenge. You both must be on board in this respect. So that means growing fat and lazy with him, or him stepping up and living a healthier existence so you can both enjoy each other.

You're the one who wants and needs change, so the bulk of the effort must start with you, and you must be unbending, if it is that important to you.

As many say here, you must be willing to lose your marriage to save it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hmmmmm. said:


> He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension. HE refuses to work out with me because he says he can't. I go hiking, running, dancing, swimming, but he never wants to join me.
> 
> .


Keep in mind that at this point an intense workout that leaves him breathless, sweating and wobbly in the legs would be walking a block or going up a flight of stairs. 

Working out with you for him would be like me trying to go for a jog with a Kenyan marathon champion. 

Working out with you simply is not even reasonable let along enjoyable for him. 

Now he can improve his health and vitality substantially with medically prescribed and supervised diet and exercise. But for someone in his current state of health, a full "workout" in the initial stages would be something like walking on a treadmill at it's lowest settings for a minute or two. 

And many people in his condition are too humiliated and embarrassed to go to any kind of gym or fitness facility and be amongst lean, athletic hardbodies squeezed into spandex. 

If he is to take any kind of necessary steps towards better health and fitness, he is going to have walk his own path beginning at his own starting point and not joining you on your path.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

He probably thinks , "What's the use!" Maybe he's overwhelmed by all the fit guys at the gym. If he has ED, he can get a vacuum thing to pump himself up. Also, there are shots (the penis can take shots with very little pain).


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I don't get this. If he's impotent, can he take viagara or equivalent. Can he do some oral or some substitute. 

I see a whole lot of posts about how men need to accept women how they are, so I am surprised that if puts on some weight, its lose it or ship out. Some people have a hard time losing weight and getting the motivation to do that.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Does his tongue still work?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Hmmmmm. said:


> He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension. HE refuses to work out with me because he says he can't. I go hiking, running, dancing, swimming, but he never wants to join me.
> 
> As soon as he ends, he apologizes and goes to sleep. My frustration is real and he knows it. I can't feel bad for him anymore because I'm beginning to resent his selfishness.


Refuse to sexually satisfy him in any way till he fixes his weight and exercise problem. Or start a reward system. If he exercises a certain number (you decide quantity and length) of times this week, he gets to have sex with you the next. If he fails to exercise for the designated amount of times, then he doesn't get any the following week. Get a vibrator, and take care of yourself as much as you need to.

If that is not sufficient motivation, then stop doing other things that he likes you to do. You'll know best on what they are. Sleeping in the same bed, making him breakfast, whatever will motivate him to change.

It'd be best if you set up a parental filter on his phone, and your home wifi before putting this plan into action though. That way he doesn't have an easy escape into porn to ease his discomfort.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The problem isn't sex or attraction, it's that the guy has one foot in the grave already.. 

He needs serious medical intervention, not a complaining partner.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hmmmmm. said:


> My husband and myself have been together for 20 years. I completely adore him (give or take the normal marriage gripes) and we can sit for hours and talk about anything. He makes me laugh and I cannot imagine a life without him.
> 
> What's the problem? After 10 years of getting on him about his health and taking better care of himself, he can no longer perform due to his health deteriorating. I am extremely fit and into eating right and yoga. You know, the whole healthy body, healthy mind lifestyle. I am very active and take how I look and feel very seriously. With that said, I am EXTREMELY sexual.
> 
> ...




- You are just like me and your hubby is like my wife. I feel for you.

- Some people just don't care or are bothered to take care of their bodies, health and sexual needs of their spouse. I would say they are comfy and even lazy to an extent.

- Everyone has to start taking of their bodies at some point and at first, it is difficult and over whelming but month after month, you will start to notice the changes and year after year, big changes......not after a few days or a week......unless you take steroids, human growth hormone, insulin and DNP......then 1 year later you are ripped, 10% or less body fat and insane transformation......working out naturally though, takes a lifetime and not 1 year.

- All you can do is find more hobbies, interests, social events and go out more. Your hubby might clue in you aren't home much anymore and want to start doing things with you again.

- In my books, a man is to take care of himself for his woman. That means he's in good shape, strong, muscles and has a sex drive and visa versa about his wife.


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## DelicateFlower (Jan 10, 2018)

Perhaps you and I should switch husbands.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Maybe you can try to include him in some easier physical activity. Go to an amusement park or large museum or fair or something. Those have a lot of walking. 

Also get a toy.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> My husband and myself have been together for 20 years. I completely adore him (give or take the normal marriage gripes) and we can sit for hours and talk about anything. He makes me laugh and I cannot imagine a life without him.


There's your answer. If you can sit and talk about anything for hours, then you should definitely be able to talk to him about needing sexual release.

Many men feel that satisfying their partner in other ways (other than intercourse itself) will be an unsatisfactory response, and because he can't give you what you "really want", he has no path to success.

It is also difficult for women to understand "can't", because there is no corollary in the female anatomy which relegates her to "can't"...no matter if she is aroused, or not, she can still provide her equipment to the man, in the "normal" way. But a man can have a physical inability to perform in the "normal" way.

I have had times in my life in which I could not "perform" the sexual act. It made me feel lower than a whale's belly, and that I was probably under a "death sentence", that is, I'd never again be able.

With diabetes being the underlying factor, it is quite possible that even if your husband loses weight, and exercises religiously, his erection may not ever return, without medical intervention.


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## GoneDoggy (May 15, 2018)

I just joined to get advice about this very topic. 

I've been married for almost 40 years. Not all of those were great years unfortunately. Started out with great sex life, frequent and 'interesting', took a major hit when he had an affair with a co-worker when I was pregnant with our first child 33 yrs ago (and he'd just started that new job in a new city). Our sex life never recovered and I usually needed to have a few drinks first. Over the years, job required travel for him (2-3 wks a month) and traveling with both of our kids' sports activities kept us busy and 'reunion sex' was the norm for many years.

Now we're retired to my dream island beach home, the kids are doing well, no money worries at the moment... and for the first time in many many years, I am really feeling the need for some good exciting sex.

Despite menopause and spinal surgery, the easy, stress free life has me feeling pretty healthy. Unfortunately my husband has diabetes and high blood pressure and the medications seem to have effectively shut him down. Erections don't last long - which doesn't do much for me. His libido still seems to be functioning. He is always ready to receive oral sex but that doesn't do much for my sex life.

It seems that I may have missed out on my sex life. Now that I really feel the need for sex it looks as if it won't be possible. 
While my husband and I do try to take care of ourselves, eat well and are active, I don't think he's ever going to be able to get away from the diabetes medications (nor aging). 

My therapist said there are other things to do besides intercourse like cuddling, fondling, kissing etc. but ever since the affair I don't particularly like being touched a lot. And that's not what I'm looking for.

Are there ways to help a man in his 60s using medication for diabetes and blood pressure recover from dysfunction?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GoneDoggy said:


> Are there ways to help a man in his 60s using medication for diabetes and blood pressure recover from dysfunction?


Yes....and, no.

The "no" factor is that a 60-year-old diabetic with hypertension most likely has considerable atherosclerosis, and this is the likely cause of his ED, those arteries which supply the penis are partially clogged. An erection requires that these arteries function well. These vessels can be so clogged that even a penis pump (vacuum device) is not effective to produce an erection. However, it's impossible for me to say if a pump could work for your H, or not. It's worth a try. It's non-invasive, safe, and simple.

You should seek a doctor. I don't think diabetes medications have side effects in this area, but some medicines routinely prescribed for hypertension sure do. It's possible your doctor could manage the HBP using other drugs, if one of these is what your H now uses.

There is also an injection into the penis of a drug sold as "trimix" which may be effective, and there are prosthetic appliances which can be implanted in the penis to create an erection.

If your H doesn't require nitrates to control his blood pressure, then drugs like Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra could be prescribed by your doctor.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Hmmmmm. said:


> He's overweight, out of shape, diabetic, hypertensive and now has heart failure due to his hypertension.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

GoneDoggy said:


> Started out with great sex life, frequent and 'interesting', took a major hit when he had an affair with a co-worker when I was pregnant with our first child 33 yrs ago. . . Our sex life never recovered and I usually needed to have a few drinks first.
> 
> My therapist said there are other things to do besides intercourse like cuddling, fondling, kissing etc. but ever since the affair I don't particularly like being touched a lot. And that's not what I'm looking for.


You haven't wanted to be touched for 30+ years? You held the affair against him but stayed married to him for 30+ years? And now you want some hot sex with him? After turning him down for 30+ years?

Forget the medical issues - they need to be addressed but that is step 2. Step 1 is you dealing with the huge shiny ball (boulder? mountain?) of resentment that he built up over the past 30 years. Yes, he was wrong to cheat. But if you could not forgive him, then you should have divorced him. 30 years later and now, when he physically can't anymore, you want intercourse? I am sure deep down he is very pleased with himself that the shoe is on the other foot and he gets to turn you down. And he has a better excuse than all the excuses you threw in his face for 30+ years - he truly physically cannot perform in the way you desire. I can easily imagine that he has no intention of seeing a doctor or fixing the "problem". To him, there is no problem. He gets to reject you and you are supposed to feel sorry for him suffering from his medical conditions. He gets to repay your rejection and he doesn't even have to feel guilty because he can justify his refusal on medical grounds. Win-win for him.

So the first task is for you to apologize and seek his forgiveness for staying with him but withholding physical connection. For not forgiving the affair and making yourself available to him. And not cutting him loose and freeing him to seek a full willing partner elsewhere. I predict he will be unwilling to seek medical assistance unless and until the two of you resolve the emotional scars he undoubtedly bears from 30 years of rejection.


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