# Need some advise



## Korra75 (Dec 12, 2014)

Hi this is my first time on this site.... I need some help. I can no longer ask my friends for advice about this.

A little background:
My wife and I have been together for a little over 4 years and we have been married now for a little over a year. She has a son with an ex that has custody of the child. She has no legal rights to the child because she never adopted the child. She went to court to file for visitation but lost. The only way she can she her son is if she goes to the ex's house once a week for 4 hours, she is not aloud to take the child anywhere and the ex must be with them. I am not allowed around the child. The last time I saw him was the day before we got engaged. During our engagement the ex took my wife's son away from her for 3 months. She had no contact with him. She wasn't allowed to she him until she promised the ex she would consider going back to her. So she she started to hang out with the ex and the son and was doing "family" things. I was devastated when I found out. She said she loved me and was only doing it to see him. In the past when we were dating my wife has left me several times to go back to her ex, has written things and has done things with her ex that make me feel she is unfaithful and the excuse is always " I do it for my son". 

Fast forward: 
We have been having major issues, we have had several unsuccessful attempts at getting pregnant, we been fighting about her ex, and have had 3 major arguments that nearly ended our marriage. The ex texts her things that I feel are inappropriate. Like personal sayings, pictures, love you, miss you etc... When I confronted my wife about the texts her first reaction is "why are you going in my phone" then it's "I can't control what she writes" and "i didn't respond because you asked me not too"
I feel she does not respect our marriage or even defend it. She allows her ex to call me names. I have heard the ex say things like "oh she must be there because you treat me differently on the phone then when you are with me at the house". She calls when ever she wants and my wife gets up and takes the call in another room or goes outside. The ex has several times told my wife to divorce me and go back to her.
We went to therapy before we got married and the therapist even said that boundaries have to be set and that conversations with the ex should be strictly about the child.


I don't know what to do anymore, I am so depressed and I feel like I am falling apart.
I don't know if she is really faithful or what she does or says when she is with her ex.
I don't know if I believe the words my wife says.

Can anyone offer any advice?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Um. How do you adopt a child that is yours, biologically?

Is your wife a he or a she?


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I think everybody is a "she", but the whole thing is very confusing.


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## Korra75 (Dec 12, 2014)

Everyone is a she. My wife did not carry the child


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Korra75 said:


> She wasn't allowed to she him until she promised the ex she would consider going back to her. So she she started to hang out with the ex and the son and was doing "family" things.


You had EVERY right to feel devastated and hurt; this is not appropriate behavior for either an engaged OR married woman. 



Korra75 said:


> She said she loved me and was only doing it to see him.


Bullchit.



Korra75 said:


> In the past when we were dating my wife has left me several times to go back to her ex, has written things and has done things with her ex that make me feel she is unfaithful and the excuse is always " I do it for my son".


Um yeah. I'd go with unfaithful. If she truly loved you, she would have nothing to do with this woman. She also would not stoop to this kind of behavior to see her son. 



Korra75 said:


> The ex texts her things that I feel are inappropriate. Like personal sayings, pictures, love you, miss you etc... When I confronted my wife about the texts her first reaction is "why are you going in my phone" then it's "I can't control what she writes" and "i didn't respond because you asked me not too"


Excuse me? There is no secrecy in marriage; as her wife, you had every right to go into her phone. And what's with the "I didn't respond because you asked me not to"?!? Seems to me she's still in love with her ex.



Korra75 said:


> I feel *she does not respect our marriage or even defend it. She allows her ex to call me names.* I have heard the ex say things like "oh she must be there because you treat me differently on the phone then when you are with me at the house". *She calls when ever she wants and my wife gets up and takes the call in another room or goes outside. The ex has several times told my wife to divorce me and go back to her.*
> 
> We went to therapy before we got married and the therapist even said that boundaries have to be set and that conversations with the ex should be strictly about the child.


I hate to be blunt .... but it sounds like this woman was not, and is not, marriage material. I don't care what she says, her ACTIONS prove this. Doing things with her ex to see her son? That's bull hockey. And it appears she's not willing to work on her issues (which, by the by, you are *not* responsible to fix).

You need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life: A spouse who will not stand up for you, doesn't have your back and is still in love with her ex. If not, you know what you need to do.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm sorry, but unless she gains legal rights to the child you DO have to back off. Her x can and will demand it.

As for the rest, the commitment of a marriage should be the focus. She cannot make you take the the brunt of her frustration.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

Korra75 said:


> In the past when we were dating my wife has left me several times to go back to her ex


This should have been your first clue.



> we have had several unsuccessful attempts at getting pregnant


THANK GOD!

Read this next line over and over again until you understand it:

YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS WOMAN.


If you do, you will be forever tied to her and her drama, and will be revenue source for the next 18 to 21 years, depending on your state's child support requirements.

RUN... do not WALK... from this relationship, NOW.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to reset boundaries, and if she can not live with those boundaries than I would consider a divorce. You are going to have a miserable marriage, and you have to decide if you can live the rest of your life as you are now.

I hate to say this, but since she has never adopted the child to begin with and then went to court for visitation and lost, she needs to move on with her life. She needs to show respect, and work on her marriage to you in hopes that one day you can adopt a child together.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

She has too much baggage to be in a healthy relationship with. Her unstability should have been a red flag. She is likely cheating, and you need to figure how much can you put up with this before you leave. Having a child with her would be a bad idea. She is immature, and you can't trust her. Learn to detach, and view everything with a critical eye. Judge the relationship from past pattterns and not on future hopes.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Whoa. I don't think she's cheating.

She wants to bond with the child but can't because the x holds all the cards. No rights legally would make anybody jump through any hoop that's presented.

The x is scum.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Judge the relationship from past pattterns and not on future hopes.


Thats some good sh!T right there....worth repeating!:smthumbup:


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Whoa. I don't think she's cheating.


How is that possible?

If I've gotten all of this gender stuff correct, she likes women too. You can't give her what a woman wants. Her ex can, however, and surely does. That's why she keeps going back to her. What's the male equivalent of a beard? That's what you are. 

Did you actually see the decree that requires your wife's visits to be supervised? Did you actually see where it says you can't be around? I would ask to see it. Because it seems to me to be the PERFECT excuse for them to get together without you.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Have a child ripped from your arms and then ask yourself what WOULDN'T you do...


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## CST (Dec 12, 2014)

I agree with the poster above on her needing to move on. She has already gone to court for visitation rights and she has now hurting you and from what it sounds like she doesn't care.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Korra, your wife is not a good candiate to be a mother to your child. Please consider that a child needs to be raised in a happy, loving, functionong marriage. 

You wife needs to sever ties with her ex. Your wife does not have a child. This child has nothing to do with your wife. Not biologically, not legally... Not in any way. Her pursuit of "mothering" this child is completely wrong and is probalby only a means to keep ex in her life and or keep drama in her life.


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## Korra75 (Dec 12, 2014)

I have tried to set boundaries but she always breaks them. And I understand that the ex can control the child. She has used the child in so many ways. I have not pressured my wife into breaking the I can't see him rule. Honestly the ex is only hurting him. But it's not only myself that can't see him. None of my wife's family or her friends are allowed to see him or give him gifts. She can only be associated with her son when she around the ex. The ex wants her to have two separate families.

My wife in the past before we were married has kissed her ex when we were fighting, we had NOT broken up. And the only reason I found out is the ex trapped me in the car and while her son was there told me. I got out of the car to walk away she followed me and started saying things like "she gas been unfaithful to you the whole time you were together". I have set major boundaries with a therapist for her to only break them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're not understanding what a boundary is. A boundary is useless without the will to enforce it. And both of them know you won't do anything about their relationship. 

You need to be willing to end this. And have g a child with your wife is the worst thing you can do, as it will tie you to this triangle for 18+ years. It won't fix anything. 

C

C


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Got it now. You're ALL she's. 

The ex is trying to win your wife back. How much of this nonsense is YOUR WIFE allowing these excuses to allow her to be with the ex and not you? We know the ex wants your wife back. Is she allowing it to happen? 

Your wife needs to slap down the ex. If she really WANTS to slap down the ex, that is. Get a lawyer involved to fight those custody rules. If she WANTS to, that is.

She can't be alone with the ex. Make some rules where they play at a park and you watch from a distance. Your wife should WANT to work on this with you. I don't get the feeling she does though.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry. DUH. It REALLY takes me a while to get this stuff. 

You don't have a child with this woman. You are free. Let her have her little life with her wife and child. You can just leave. Lucky you.

Turned out to be an easy one after all. Why in GODS name would you put up with this drama. Hunting you down in your car to harass you? Just leave. Sounds like they'll be very happy together.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

3 posts in a row. I'm officially a stalker.

I read your original post again. Just leave. Run even.


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