# Dating during or after divorce sucks.. Just a nonsense rant..



## Hardtohandle

Just venting.. 

Just dating someone when you have kids is a god dam pain in the a$$... 

I don't get it.. Single dad with 2 kids.. You would think a woman would almost be happy to see a man with kids. You would think wow don't see that all the time.

Instead I get gripes about the future and how my kids are not like her kids.. WTF.. No kidding.. 

I have boys, you have girls. My kids are older.. My kids are straight A students, polite and respectful. They don't cause any trouble and have zero crazy issues. If anything my oldest is a introvert and likes to do his own thing.. But beyond all of this there isn't a crazy issue. They never ate crayons, put forks in sockets. Never needed medication to "calm down".. Zero issues.

Never been disrespectful or disobedient. 

I just don't get it. Now she needs to know if this is right for her. 

This coming from a woman on disability and a fixed income, breaking my shoes when I bring in 130k a year.. Have a home, a 6k a month pension plan.. I get 10k at the end of the year on top of all of this.. AND I have money saved for my kids college that I was willing to split up because I understood and accepted the responsibility of having 2 other kids in my life..

But having 4 kids for her is too much to deal with, she doesn't know.. But its not an issue for me to be flipping the majority of the bills though..

fvck this sh1t.. People are insane !!!


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## I got this

Don't project one persons lunacy on everyone else. It is simply invalid


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## ThreeStrikes

Stop taking it personally.

She has an idea of what she wants, and you and your situation aren't it.

Learn this four letter word:

*NEXT!*


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## Freak On a Leash

I won't date any man with young kids. Period. I don't want to have anything to do with someone else's kids. I have my own and they are older. If someone has older kids, that's fine as long as I don't have to deal with them. 

That's how I roll, if you don't like it, then I'm not the one for you. 

Gotta lay out the ground rules you want for yourself and follow them.


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## wtf2012

Hardtohandle said:


> Just venting..
> 
> Just dating someone when you have kids is a god dam pain in the a$$...
> 
> I don't get it.. Single dad with 2 kids.. You would think a woman would almost be happy to see a man with kids. You would think wow don't see that all the time.
> 
> Instead I get gripes about the future and how my kids are not like her kids.. WTF.. No kidding..
> 
> I have boys, you have girls. My kids are older.. My kids are straight A students, polite and respectful. They don't cause any trouble and have zero crazy issues. If anything my oldest is a introvert and likes to do his own thing.. But beyond all of this there isn't a crazy issue. They never ate crayons, put forks in sockets. Never needed medication to "calm down".. Zero issues.
> 
> Never been disrespectful or disobedient.
> 
> I just don't get it. Now she needs to know if this is right for her.
> 
> This coming from a woman on disability and a fixed income, breaking my shoes when I bring in 130k a year.. Have a home, a 6k a month pension plan.. I get 10k at the end of the year on top of all of this.. AND I have money saved for my kids college that I was willing to split up because I understood and accepted the responsibility of having 2 other kids in my life..
> 
> But having 4 kids for her is too much to deal with, she doesn't know.. But its not an issue for me to be flipping the majority of the bills though..
> 
> fvck this sh1t.. People are insane !!!


WTH are you in this relationship? She sounds like terrible wife material.


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## maincourse99

I understand her POV. I would never date anyone with kids, even though I have a D12 and 2 grown boys. Just don't need or want that in my life, it's a minefield. 

I don't understand why you're so upset. Move on. Oh, and your money? She evidently doesn't care about it, so feel good that she isn't a gold digger


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## maincourse99

_WTH are you in this relationship? She sounds like terrible wife material_

She's terrible wife material because she has thought about it and doesn't want to take on 2 stepkids? I say good for her for being honest with him.


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## COguy

You're mad that someone lazy doesn't want to date you?

How about a thank you?


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## Ceegee

How long have you been dating this woman? 

I see your complaint as valid if you have been dating long enough to develop an emotional connection. She should have been forthright from the beginning.

That being said, she is still entitled to her opinion. Time to cut bait and find someone worthy of you and your children.

BTW, we're all insane. 

_The whole world is crazy. Certifiable lunatics!
The only reason we're not locked up in an institution is that there are so many of us._

-Anthony DeMello


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## Jellybeans

Throw that one back in the pond and keep dating.

7 billion people on the planet.


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## Jellybeans

COguy said:


> You're mad that someone lazy doesn't want to date you?
> 
> How about a thank you?


:rofl: True


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## Freak On a Leash

Jellybeans said:


> Throw that one back in the pond and keep dating.
> 
> 7 billion people on the planet.


Damn..no wonder it's so crowded here! :slap:


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## BFGuru

As a mom with kids that need medicated to calm down, if you said those things about my kids while glorifying your own as you just did here, I would have second thoughts as well. Don't think you even remotely understand the plight of a parent with kids with mental health issues. It is non stop. Relentless. Exhausting on a good day. Debilitating on bad days. 

If the man I was dating couldn't understand that, I would be out. My kids come first...which kind of scares me knowing as such I may always be alone since the man who served me papers left for a girl more than ten years his junior. I can't risk what stability I have built for them on a guy that thinks because he didn't deal with my issues rearing kids, that they are bad kids.


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## in my tree

COguy said:


> You're mad that someone lazy doesn't want to date you?
> 
> How about a thank you?


Lazy? Because someone is disabled does not make them lazy.


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## Cinema79

How about this one....I know a guy who is 40 years old. Divorced at age 25 and never remarried. His kid is now 18 and out of the house. He is done paying child support. This guy is good looking, and makes good money, and a great guy.

He's been turned down by several women based on the fact that he has a kid! Give me a break, the kid is out on his own now and in a trade school.

What is crazy is there are women just giving birth at his age, yet his PAST is keeping girls away. He's pretty discouraged by all of this.


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## Dedicated2Her

Cinema79 said:


> How about this one....I know a guy who is 40 years old. Divorced at age 25 and never remarried. His kid is now 18 and out of the house. He is done paying child support. This guy is good looking, and makes good money, and a great guy.
> 
> He's been turned down by several women based on the fact that he has a kid! Give me a break, the kid is out on his own now and in a trade school.
> 
> What is crazy is there are women just giving birth at his age, yet his PAST is keeping girls away. He's pretty discouraged by all of this.


There is more to this......I have 4 kids and have no issues with the ladies. Maybe he is barking up the wrong tree?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2

the first time I read this I couldn't believe it . a woman makes a decision based on what she knows of herself and man she was dating is incredulous because of that decision . his response is to be belittle her and berate her . I'm not sure who's lucky to have lost whom. 

The entire description sounds like a transaction to you . Are you buying her ? 

I was under the impression that men didn't like to be seen as a gravy train . and how dare this woman decides that she can't handle four kids when after all you are able to save her from her poverty .

she was honest with you . she was honest with herself . 

I wonder who you're really angry with . Are you angry that you have the children ? 
Look, she did a good thing. She did a good thing for herself for you and for your children . Carefully consider if she had lied to you and one day married you knowing that she wouldn't be happy only wanting the security you could provide . Tell me which would you prefer ?

when you find someone who will love your children as their own, and who loves you because of who you are and not what you have, you'll know you are in the right place . 

I know that rejection hurts. But she's a smart lady and a better way to look at this is to be grateful . 

my husband has two boys and I have two girls. I would have loved it if we could have had the boys full time. when they were all together the house was full of life . but it wasn't without its challenges . we're down to one child at home and yet as a mother I still feel pulled in multiple directions . yesterday was very difficult for me because of having my H and our youngest competing for my attention . Having 4 kids and a husband is a lot on anyone . 

Your rant really rubbed me the wrong way, because my husband and I were in a similar situation. But the children meshed; they were like siblings from the moment they met. We call one of his boys and my older girl "the twins". His oldest and my youngest have similar temperaments. That isn't always good because they have the same temperament as their dad - by their dad I mean my husband. But its part of how we knew the family could work together. 

Isn't that what you want for yourself and your children ?

Not oversell sometimes it can be ridiculously difficult . Four children are still for children and they are four children to their father as well as their mother . we both work but four sets of back to school clothes , vacations, presently two college tuitions , next year 3, it isn't easy . We are lucky that the boys' mom contributes. My ex- cannot. 

Anyway, count your lucky stars. Don't consider yourself saddled with two kids. Consider yourself lucky to have the privilege of sharing their lives. The right woman will feel the same way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy

When I was dating and on dating site forums, it was pretty much a given that men with full-time or primary custody had a much harder time dating than men who only had their kids every other weekend and for some holidays and vacations. It's nearly as difficult for women with full-time custody, though.

Dating with kids is easier and more successful if you and your dates can have occasional weekends alone without kids. Otherwise, the logistics and distractions make getting to know each other challenging.

Anyway, as many have pointed out, this woman doesn't match what you want, and you don't match what she wants. Keep looking. It may take a year or two to find someone who is actually very compatible, rather than just anyone who will have you. Desperation is a real turn off and deal breaker for most, too.


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## hope4family

Married but Happy said:


> *When I was dating and on dating site forums, it was pretty much a given that men with full-time or primary custody had a much harder time dating than men who only had their kids every other weekend and for some holidays and vacations. It's nearly as difficult for women with full-time custody, though.*
> 
> Dating with kids is easier and more successful if you and your dates can have occasional weekends alone without kids. Otherwise, the logistics and distractions make getting to know each other challenging.
> 
> Anyway, as many have pointed out, this woman doesn't match what you want, and you don't match what she wants. Keep looking. It may take a year or two to find someone who is actually very compatible, rather than just anyone who will have you. Desperation is a real turn off and deal breaker for most, too.


All too true. 

When I read the OP's post. I totally empathize. I'm in great shape, make great money, and yet have been told by a lot of "female friends" that my situation makes it hard. 

DS2 is gorgeous sweet boy as well. But since people in my friends circle often talk about what my ex-wife puts me through. It's a constant **** block, even if you divert the question by saying "talk to you later about it." I've had women instantly put off by this. 

That being said, it didn't work out. Find happiness from within. Remember we are choosing to have our kids with us. We made choices to have them the way we do. 

I've had offers for intimacy. So I know it's not hopeless. If I loved another woman and her boundary made it so she was no longer relationship material for me. Well, then it's on to the next one. 

You can do this. I do understand you are venting. Been there. Just keeping showing your son that you are a great man, and that you will do anything to end up in a healthy, strong, stable relationship for yourself.


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## Pinkturtle

I don't have children of my own from either of my marriages. I don't think I would date anyone with children despite if they are young or adult. Very bad experience with my last husband and his adult children. Will never go there again.


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## pollywog

Even a person with grown children can still have drama. My WS has 2 and I have 2 and all were grown when we got together. They are totally different and I am so glad we did not have to share custody of them when younger. 

When I was dating I did not date men with young kids except for once and that was drama after drama with the ex wife.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Maybe she doesn't want to be bought.
Nothing wrong with that.
Marriage/partnership is not all about "home" economics.


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## Freak On a Leash

Cinema79 said:


> How about this one....I know a guy who is 40 years old. Divorced at age 25 and never remarried. His kid is now 18 and out of the house. He is done paying child support. This guy is good looking, and makes good money, and a great guy.
> 
> He's been turned down by several women based on the fact that he has a kid! Give me a break, the kid is out on his own now and in a trade school.
> 
> What is crazy is there are women just giving birth at his age, yet his PAST is keeping girls away. He's pretty discouraged by all of this.


I'd have no problem dating this guy, as long as he isn't looking for a "mom" for his kid, which I highly doubt seeing that his kid is 18 and living his own life. 

My kids are older and my dating life is (such that it is) has no influence on them at all. It's totally separate and I assume it would be that way with any guy who has older kids. 

Now there are people who would want their prospective girlfriend/boyfriend to ge involved with their families and that's fine but it's not for me and I would pretty much make that clear from the get go.


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## brokenbythis

Freak On a Leash said:


> I won't date any man with young kids. Period. I don't want to have anything to do with someone else's kids. I have my own and they are older. If someone has older kids, that's fine as long as I don't have to deal with them.
> 
> That's how I roll, if you don't like it, then I'm not the one for you.
> 
> Gotta lay out the ground rules you want for yourself and follow them.


OMG yep that's exactly how I feel. I don't want to raise someone else's kids. I don't want any more children. I have my own 10 yo son.

When I start dating - next year probably - ground rule/qualifier # 1 is : no kids or grown up kids ok. I'm simply not interested in blended families.


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## clipclop2

one of my requirements after my divorce was that I wanted a man who had children. I wanted someone who understood the responsibility of having a child . a guy who's been on his own answering only to himself is much more difficult to integrate into family life . we see this all the time where a new baby comes into a marriage; the man is still playing video games and woman has all the burden . breaking in a new father is a lot of work .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis

clipclop2 said:


> one of my requirements after my divorce was that I wanted a man who had children. I wanted someone who understood the responsibility of having a child . a guy who's been on his own answering only to himself is much more difficult to integrate into family life . we see this all the time where a new baby comes into a marriage; the man is still playing video games and woman has all the burden . breaking in a new father is a lot of work .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My exH is still playing video games and surfing Facebook to this day. Those 2 pursuits are so much more appealing to him than spending time and connecting with his family = me and our son.


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## Hardtohandle

Whoa..

First off no one is disabled.. 

Secondly this isn't the first time she did something like this and she already expressed certain concerns about "house chores". Basically her deceased husband would work 3 jobs and still come home to cook dinner was her point during one of her rants.

Sorry but in todays times finances do play a part.. It is not a quarter or a half, but they do play a part. 

I failed to express that she comes with a 400k Debt as well left by her deceased husband.. Money owed to loan sharks and bookies.. 

I just felt if I am suppose to be working to provide a future not only for my kids but hers I really didn't expect to be told I needed to cook as well. I would help out all that I could. I wasn't looking for a slave or an indentured servant. 

But I was taking on a big responsibility myself. 
I will express to you all here what I told her simply.. I said this is why we are dating and working to figure this stuff out..
I bend, you bend and we meet in the middle. 

I didn't care if her children took medication or not.. To me I sat down at home one day and made the conscious choice to try to make this work. I understood its not the normal boy meets girl and they fall in love and have kids.. Its trying to survive a blended family.

Look her daughter wouldn't even talk to me, I understood it would take time. I had zero issues or complaints. 

I just felt that this was the 2nd time she went through this and I just felt this is something you need to decide on your own. I just didn't want to keep going on then a year later she had more issues.

I just felt I was being put on notice about cooking and cleaning and the kids.. As if look I'm not gonna do this. 

I felt well what is the point of this relationship if we are not going to work together. I might as well be alone, date and have a cleaning lady come in once a week. Which is not what I want for my life..

If I wanted to be alone I would have never married and never had kids..

Look there where more issues that came up. 

But the end result her asking me for time to think, gave me time to think. 

I cut her loose. 2 weeks later she called again.. I told her we were done.. 

Its just hard to explain some of the crazy stuff she did.. Well its not hard, just too long and drawn out. Simple example she knew how to play the widow on disability game everywhere she went. She knew all the men in a store but couldn't give you the name of a woman in a store she went to. She was a flirt and knew how to play the game. 

I didn't fault her for it and I understood. Life can be hard and you need what you need to do, to get by for you and your kids..

Personally I raise my kids to be Paladins.. I tell them don't lie cheat or steal. But if you decide to do any of those and get caught then tell the truth because it only gets worse.. 

Look I know the mistakes I made growing up.. I waited until 8 pm to do my homework. Waited until sunday night do my homework. If I had a month to do a book report the last 4 days I was scrambling to do it.

My kids do homework when they get home, if I am there or not.. They do homework on Friday and if it is a lot, the rest on Saturday morning.. Book reports I buy the book on Amazon ASAP and get it shipped the next day. I don't bother waiting for the book to be freed up at the library. 

But I will say I still liked her.. I had strong feeling for her.. Her smile made me melt.. It was just too much for me, too soon. I felt like she was rushing to get us together.. 

I think at this time in your 40s.. You should know what the fvck you want or don't want. I think by now you should have done some inward reflection and know where you stand with things in life.. 

I mean honestly I sat at home trying to figure stuff out.. Learning what roads to take in my life as things arose. What if this happens, What if that happens. I'm not obsessing over stuff, but I am making plans.. Life plans.. 

To me my kids have been through enough with my Ex.. Especially my oldest who for some crazy reason decides not to talk to or try to fix her relationship with.. 

If it was just me I would have had no issues. I just couldn't do this because of my kids.

As a side note.. 

She griped that her kids went to church and mine didn't. That her kids pray at supper but mine didn't.. I told her, look I can't promise you church on Sunday, but I can work with you on prayer at dinner. She said that was ridiculous and like being half a family.. 

Mind you she wasn't a holy roller or anything. Trust me on this one.. 

But I don't hate my kids as someone implied. My whole life changed overnight. One day I was happily married and the next my wife was leaving me and moving in with another man. She stopped talking to me and treated me like I had the affair.. 19 years stopped to exist in a blink of an eye.

Everything I have done was for my kids. 

I guess my simple point is some people just don't know how to get out of their own way sometimes.. They gripe about nonsense and blurt things out loud that sometimes should be kept to themselves and instead take the time by themselves to make some life altering decisions and act on those choices..

I know I'm all over the place with this. I truly liked this woman.. But she just said some things to me that painted a questionable future..


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## BlindsidedGirl

Obviously, she was not the right woman for you. Better to realize this now and move on. I'm really not looking forward to the tangle of figuring out how to date as a single mom. After knowing my husband for 23 years and being in a relationship for 15 of them, I did not expect my life to turn out this way either. I know you have had some responses from women saying they don't want to date a single dad but I don't understand it...As long as you aren't a "dead-beat", I don't understand why it would be a negative - especially if they have kids of their own. Must just be me...


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## greenfern

Hardtohandle said:


> Whoa..
> 
> First off no one is disabled..


I think that came from your original post where you said she was on disability. Honest mistake


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## Hardtohandle

BlindsidedGirl said:


> Obviously, she was not the right woman for you. Better to realize this now and move on. I'm really not looking forward to the tangle of figuring out how to date as a single mom. After knowing my husband for 23 years and being in a relationship for 15 of them, I did not expect my life to turn out this way either. I know you have had some responses from women saying they don't want to date a single dad but I don't understand it...As long as you aren't a "dead-beat", I don't understand why it would be a negative - especially if they have kids of their own. Must just be me...


Blindsided, get this one.. Get ready..

I have both of my boys with me and I pay my wife child support for one of them.. 

I have primary residence for one and she has the other, but the other doesn't want to go live there.. So both are with me..

I once finalized I will readdress that issue. 

But nonetheless my original post I was just pissed because the sunglasses came off and I could see what road she was going down with this. I just have my own issues I didn't have time to try to fix her issues as well. 

But part of me feels bad.. I honestly and truly feel that her girls deserved a father.. He left when they were 3.. 

In all honesty the fact is he killed himself but it seems she doesn't want to admit it. Its a heartache I know.. I would have eventually told or addressed it with her but no point now..

I was willing to do right by her honestly..


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## BlindsidedGirl

You sound like a good guy just trying to through the crap and move on. I wish you luck! 
Today was my line in the sand. I didn't expect things to turn out any different but I guess I hoped down deep that he would pick us. Obviously, he didn't. He chose his *****. Best part....she's a chaplain for the police dept he works for. A freaking chaplain! Oh, and she's married to a guy who is deployed with the Navy. Nice, huh?


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## hope4family

That sucks blind sided girl. 

To the OP, it's rough, but you can do this.


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## Pepper123

I actually prefer men with children... I am the type that could love them as my own. For me if a man is pushing 40 and hasn't had kids or been married, there is probably something wrong with him. The last guy I dated was like that, and it took me 3 mos to see what an egotist he was. 

Parenting is a thankless job... So much give, give, give. This woman sounds like she is worth about as much as the paper her disability check was written on. No ambition = not a good role model for kids like yours. Consider yourself lucky.


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## Hardtohandle

BlindsidedGirl said:


> You sound like a good guy just trying to through the crap and move on. I wish you luck!
> Today was my line in the sand. I didn't expect things to turn out any different but I guess I hoped down deep that he would pick us. Obviously, he didn't. He chose his *****. Best part....she's a chaplain for the police dept he works for. A freaking chaplain! Oh, and she's married to a guy who is deployed with the Navy. Nice, huh?


OMG.. 

Fvck her report her to the PD.. You know report her to the news paper.. What a spectacle it would be for the police department.

I think that is part of my problem. Some women think being a cop I am just a natural dog that drinks and cheats on his wife.. Which is the furthest from the truth..

When I tell a woman I never cheated on anyone in my life they look at me like I'm full of sh1t.. I explain I seen the pain it caused my mother. I could never do that to someone I love or loved. Ever...

For as many people that come to TAM and go to therapy to fix their issues. There are TONS that just let these things rip them apart and broken.. Unfortunately that is what is left in the sea of people looking to meet up. You run through a dozen broken or less than moral people to find a decent human being..


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## BlindsidedGirl

We started dating while his mom & dad were going through a divorce because his dad (also a cop) was cheating. He saw what it did to his mom and little brother. He also saw his grandfather cheat on & leave his grandmother. He swore that he would NEVER be unfaithful. We agreed that if we were unhappy, we would divorce before we would ever hurt each other like that. I guess his true character is finally showing and it's not pretty.
He has been stringing me along, placating me and trying to keep me "calm" because he is up for a promotion and I know that he has to be terrified that I'll do something to eff it up for him. 
If I hadn't forced his hand yesterday, we would still be talking and acting like everything was just peachy.... He still hasn't had the stones to say "I want a divorce." He's just burying his head in the sand. Now that includes not even talking to me at all. What a loss...Not!


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## cdbaker

You seem really, really focused on money, and how it aught to be able to solve emotional concerns/problems.

That seems... well, wrong.


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## Pepper123

*Re: Re: Dating during or after divorce sucks.. Just a nonsense rant..*



cdbaker said:


> You seem really, really focused on money, and how it aught to be able to solve emotional concerns/problems.
> 
> That seems... well, wrong.


+1

As long as a person I'm dating has ambition and is capable of financially taking care of himself, money is moot to me.


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## SurpriseMyself

She isn't right for you, that's pretty clear. On the other hand, you seem a bit too focused on how much you have it all together. "zero issues" and "people are insane." I hope you are just frustrated and venting as you say, because otherwise its a turn off in my book. No one is perfect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle

cdbaker said:


> You seem really, really focused on money, and how it aught to be able to solve emotional concerns/problems.
> 
> That seems... well, wrong.


I'm not focused on money as if it will solve some emotional issues. 

My emotional issues will be solved in time and being able to talk about them. I have done so extensively here at TAM, I have done so with friends and I do so every monday at Therapy. I've been extremely fortunate to have friends and family that would listen and support me and help me out when I couldn't think clearly.

I've been able to date and be with woman that also honestly has bolstered my emotional strength. Honestly nothing is better than having a woman interested in you after your wife leaves you for another man. Well nothing better than several woman. 

As a man it is much more difficult to meet a woman then it is for a woman. I have a female friend who is on a dating sight with me. Her issues is not getting dates, its going through the sea of messages. As an example for me to get one or two responses I need to send out maybe 10 or 15 messages a week. Now imagine what she is getting ? She is getting 20 to 30 messages a day.. Near the weekend it increases.

Emotionally I have settled in.. This is my life now.. There is nothing I can do about it. My wife is gone and never to return. She left me and my kids.. I'm a full time dad like many woman.. 

But I now I will address the finances... 

Look my wife was a high school drop out when I left her. She was a Beautician just before I met her for 15 years and then decided to become a dental assistant. She made 10 dollars an hour. I dated her for 2 years and got engaged knowing she was a dental assistant. 

She wanted to become a Dental Hygienist. Nutshell I put her through school, she continued to work 1 day a week to keep the office connection during school and afterwards. But beyond that I took care of EVERYTHING for her.. School books, travel to and from school, clothing, ETC.. We were dating while she was in school. We got engaged as she entered the Hygienist program. 

That was my commitment to her.. She could have left me anytime during that.. I would have been screwed. Well beyond student loans she had, but honestly. 

Her own mother scoffed at her when she told her at age 30 she was going back to school. 

But now at 46 with 2 boys full time at home for the most part *( my wife only see's one of our sons twice a week )*. Some reality has set in.

Look I don't need a rich woman, I don't need someone on the same financial level as me. 

But when someone expresses concerns about cooking and cleaning when they don't have a job and live on a fixed income. 

At the end of the day it sounds like, I will fvck you, but that's about it. I need a cleaning lady and you're gonna have to learn how to cook as well. 

Look if I am working full time, bringing in 10k a month clean. If you think your gonna sit at home doing sh1t. Your out of your mind.. 

If I want that then I can find a Younger woman that I can have as a kept woman who can fvck me and I can hire my own cleaning lady. 

But that is what she was pretty much addressing me. 

You think putting kids through college is cheap ? I had over 100k saved for my kids.. My Ex took 55k of it.. Her words were, *"That's my money, I deserve it"*

Not that it matters when I met her she was making 10 dollars an hour and now she is making 45 dollars an hour. But she deserves that money.. No one deserves that money but my kids.. 

But nonetheless I was willing to work harder and help put my new twin girls through college as well. I would do what is necessary for my new family. 

That was the commitment I made to myself and her. I didn't tell her. It was something I decided to do sitting at home on my couch one day. It was one of those, in for a penny in for a pound thought. 

You know a 5 bedroom is much more expensive than a 3 bedroom. Heck I wouldn't have to move if it was just me and my kids. But again this is the commitment I was willing to make for her and her kids.. 

I never asked her for anything.. I didn't this is what I need, or you need to pay me for half the house.. She knew it.. 

But she still felt compelled to tell me things like I don't know if I can do this cooking different meals for my kids and yours.. Washing cloths for 4 kids and you and me.. Thats a lot of work for me... 

YOU DON'T WORK !!! 
WTF do you want to do ? 
What do you expect to be doing ?

I'm sorry but Yea.. Money matters.. Between at 600k home and around 400k for schooling.. I think 1 million dollars from me all by myself is pretty fair trade for someone to do housework..


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## Hardtohandle

ebp123 said:


> She isn't right for you, that's pretty clear. On the other hand, you seem a bit too focused on how much you have it all together. "zero issues" and "people are insane." I hope you are just frustrated and venting as you say, because otherwise its a turn off in my book. No one is perfect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not perfect.. I am aware of my shortcoming's. 

I work to improve my shortcomings. I don't pretend to be something I am not.

But I will tell you relationship wise..

1. Never cheated on anyone I have ever been with.. Never.. 
2. For the last 19 years, I told my wife I loved her everyday.. 
3. Just about everyday for the last 19 years I would grope my wife because I was that attracted to her.
4. I would open the car door for my wife, I would make sure she got in the car first when it rained. If I could I would go in the rain to get the car so she wouldn't get wet. 
5. Make sure she had a parking space even if it meant me driving around for a spot after she got home from work. Mind you she worked late on wed.. She worked from 3PM to about 5PM or 6PM on average every wed. 
6. My wife hasn't worked more than the 3 days she has been working for the last 14 years.. Which is at total of 3 days a week and about 3 to 4 hours each day.. Yes a total of 12 hours a week at most.. But on average it was 15 to 17 hours every 2 weeks. 
7. I worked more so my wife didn't.. 
8. I never refused my wife anything.. She bought what she wanted. Granted she wasn't that lavished, but her buying a 250 dollar ring because she wanted it wasn't out of the question.
9. I don't drink except socially.
10. I don't Smoke..
11. I don't go into fits of unknown rage.
12. I taught my kids right and wrong.
13. I helped my kids out with school work and science projects. I helped them go the extra mile.
14. I would do some of the grocery shopping.

What I didn't do

I didn't wash cloths and I didn't cook.

But my wife didn't cook 7 days a week. She cooked maybe 3 to 4 days a week.

Aside from that I have been working since I was 12 years old. 

Financially I'm not rich, but I'm okay.
1. I have a 6k pension. 
2. On top of my pension I get another 10k year at the end of the year for the rest of my life.
3. I have easily 500k in equity in my home. 
4. I have 80k put aside for my kids college. Which is still growing and will be growing even more.
5. beyond my mortgage I am slowly removing my Credit card debt. My biggest card is 10k. I have a 2k bill and a 4k bill left on 2 other cards.
6. But even with that and paying child support for a child that resides with me I am doing okay.. 

I know I'm a good catch.. 
I just need a woman who can be happy. My Ex had it too easy.. She didn't have to struggle or worry about where her next dollar was coming from.. 

What's that saying ? Idle hands is the devils playground.. 

If anything we spent our money frivolously. Instead of going on vacations we spent it on other things.. We should have spent half and saved half.. Lessons learned..

So yea I am starting to think I need to find someone who will be happy with me and not look to change me for their needs. And I shouldn't be a such a nice guy looking to bend too much for someone..


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## EnjoliWoman

So many red flags with her (and if she isn't disabled, why is she on disability? My tax dollars at work, great) so just be glad it's over. Smiles that make you melt won't solve the huge issues you will have down the road.

I don't mind men with kids; in fact I had HOPED for someone with kids my daughter's age or younger. Not to take over being a mother, I just like kids in my life. I like the energy they bring to a house. And I am not particularly maternal so go figure.

So it just depends on the person.


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## 2galsmom

Many people say money is not everything until there is none. Then, money is something. Money reduces the strain of a relationship there is no doubt about it, but honestly hearing a man tell people how much me makes is a red flag to some of us. 

Just so you know!

As for dating, it sucked before marriage and I am sure it sucks after divorce. My divorce will be final in a year and I cannot imagine dating anyone unless it is someone I knew before my divorce.

You are all very brave, I have two kids and whomever I date should hell freeze over will have to like them as well and be open to loving them. Or why bother?


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## Dedicated2Her

"My divorce will be final in a year and I cannot imagine dating anyone unless it is someone I knew before my divorce." 

You will have to change that thought process. Dating someone you knew before the divorce presents a myriad of problems, especially for your children. It is a very selfish act for a parent. I've seen the emotional strain myself. There is nothing good about it. My ex has done it with both people she has dated and it has created chaos with the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2galsmom

Dedicated2Her said:


> "My divorce will be final in a year and I cannot imagine dating anyone unless it is someone I knew before my divorce."
> 
> You will have to change that thought process. Dating someone you knew before the divorce presents a myriad of problems, especially for your children. It is a very selfish act for a parent. I've seen the emotional strain myself. There is nothing good about it. My ex has done it with both people she has dated and it has created chaos with the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh My. I am sorry you have had a myriad of problems, you see I do not see how dating someone I knew before I was married to my children's husband is being very "selfish." Quite a jab at someone who made such an innocuous comment.

This site and comments like that make me feel quite comfortable in my decision NOT to date men at all, thank you! My comment was tongue in cheek.

Perhaps you should change your thought process from one where all women are like your ex!


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## Dedicated2Her

2galsmom said:


> Oh My. I am sorry you have had a myriad of problems, you see I do not see how dating someone I knew before I was married to my children's husband is being very "selfish." Quite a jab at someone who made such an innocuous comment.
> 
> This site and comments like that make me feel quite comfortable in my decision NOT to date men at all, thank you! My comment was tongue in cheek.
> 
> Perhaps you should change your thought process from one where all women are like your ex!


It isn't a jab at all. I've been around numerous situations and done research on it. Don't date or date. Whatever you want. It is selfish because you aren't stepping out of your comfort zone because of your own insecurities. Don't take it personal. There is quite a bit of psychology behind it. Most people don't see it which is why we have divorce in the first place.

If that comment makes you not want to date, then you most likely have lots of work to do on yourself individually. Again, not taking jabs, just stating a realistic observation. This site is meant to have those and give information. Others that read this need to know that action will come with a myriad of problems. And don't be sorry for me, I'm happy and very satisfied with everything in my life. It takes a ton of work to get your kids through things, but it has allowed me to push for educating myself.

I am quite aware that all women aren't like my ex. I have an amazing girlfriend. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle

@2galsmom

I don't walk around telling people how much I make.. Honestly unlike many I am a city employee and all of this is public information that anyone can get by going city of data or similar sites.

But it came up when we discussed our future. Basically how will we do this, your home is too small and such.. 

At the time I posted that I was pissed. We had broken up several times and gotten back together.. The last time we got back together my heart opened up. I can't explain it.. Prior to that I was sort of living 2 lives.. I just thrusted myself into the relationship.. I don't want to say I loved her, but I had strong feelings about her and her kids.. Her one reserved daughter was opening up to me. I could see my life in a new home with my 2 boys and these 2 new girls and her.. 

Financially I knew it was possible. I know I am getting back to money here, but my point is I knew I could buy a home in another state free and clear and probably have 100k left over.. 200k for all four kids to start off for college wasn't so bad I figured. I thought I would use the 10k each year for a vacation for the family and my work money from my new job would go to bolstering up the college fund a bit more.. Look I am not looking to pay all their college, they need some responsibility as well, but something.. I didn't get anything from my family.. 

But I opened up to her and let her in my heart and then I got that speech.. Most of it was a gripe towards my oldest.. 

Off the cuff I asked him would you go to church on sunday if soandso asked us and would you pray at dinner time if soandso asked us.. He without a doubt said yes.. Not a single hesitation in his voice.. I asked why because I hate church.. 

He said its not such a big deal and he would do it to make her and her kids happy..

So here is the one kid that she is griping about and he is on her side.. 

Shame on her.. This is something that could have been brought up a different way at a different time..

As for the disability thing. She had a back issues. But she was in good shape.. 

But hearing my son say those things just made something click inside me.. I felt he deserved someone better.. 

Look I've been blessed, I thought my wife was taking my kids and I was going to be raked over the coals.. I thought I would be working until I was old and dead. Heck I didn't think I would be alive today.. 

But today.. My kids are with me.. I know she didn't even see that coming..

Once finalized in a month or two I will do more paperwork so I can stop paying child support and have primary custody of the youngest.. I already have primary of the oldest.. Once that is done it will be impossible for her to get them.. No judge will ever split them up again and she will have to have a good reason why she should have the kids.. It just isn't going to happen.. She is done on that part..

Then in a few months I will hit her for child support.. She will flip the fvck out.. But even if it is 50 dollars a month I will take it just to crush her a bit more.. 

I might have jumped to quick into another relationship, but I knew what I was doing.. I figured it would take some time before we figured stuff out.. At least a year and half to two years.. At my at I thought that would be fair enough time to see how thing will work out for me and at my job..

For me I fall in love with anyone.. I see no wrong in the person assuming I am attracted to them.

I mean really at the end of the day a man is man and a woman is a woman. You're not going to find the perfect person on either end.. And for the most part sex is sex.. Yea you might have someone that does more than the previous. But does it really matter if you love that person. I know my Ex wasn't like my last GF before her or the GF after her.. They both did more than my Ex wife, but the difference is I love my Ex wife. 

And yes I should have said loved my ex, but reality is I love my ex wife.. I just know that we can never be together again.. Not because she decided so. Its because I know it will never work out. 

I Just think many people are just so stupid, you would think after 40+ years in this life they would learn something. 

You are not going to find that perfect person.. You accept people for what they are and learn to love that person for what they are, not what you want them to be.. But it seems people still are trying to find *"that person"*. The rich, in shape, sexy as all hell, will do anything in the bedroom person. 

Good luck trying to waste your life looking for that person.


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## Morgiana

@hardtohandle

Good sir, realizing that everyone handles things differently, I must say that what you have posted comes across as a bit, surly, may be the best word for it. I interpret what you wrote as expressing anger at the ex-gf and ex-wife. What about the ex-gf's reaction are you upset with? 

Talking about sticking your ex-wife for child support just to crush her a bit more is talk and then saying you still love her is not someone who has yet walked disentangled themselves from their past. Maybe it would be helpful to take a break from dating and focus on getting yourself into a better headspace.

Wish you well,
-M


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## Hardtohandle

Morgiana said:


> @hardtohandle
> 
> Good sir, realizing that everyone handles things differently, I must say that what you have posted comes across as a bit, surly, may be the best word for it. I interpret what you wrote as expressing anger at the ex-gf and ex-wife. What about the ex-gf's reaction are you upset with?
> 
> Talking about sticking your ex-wife for child support just to crush her a bit more is talk and then saying you still love her is not someone who has yet walked disentangled themselves from their past. Maybe it would be helpful to take a break from dating and focus on getting yourself into a better headspace.
> 
> Wish you well,
> -M


I think once the rose colored glasses came off. I felt the Ex GF was sort of laying down future rules and plans.. Basically telling me that cooking a different dinner would be impossible and doing laundry ( mind you I told her I would help any way possible ) would be difficult at best.. 

Again it was things like Her kids liked the beach and my kids didn't .. I'm not going to stop taking my kids to the beach because your's don't want to go.. 

It was these comments that where arguments on her part instead of just simple discussions that caused me some grief and stress. Even trying to talk her about it and even explain what is the point of this argument when we can just talk about this in person.. She would do this over the phone all the time if was some sort of issue about my kids or family.. 

So I ask you.. What is the point of this relationship if I have do all the heavy lifting ? Do you think it is fair that I go to work and then come home do the dinner and then on my days off do the laundry ? 
So what should she be doing at home all day ? 
Should she be laying in bed waiting for me each day to please me as I deem fit ? 

Of course not.. Again I'm looking for a partner not another mouth to feed for sex.. Which is what it seems it was turning out to be. 

As for my Ex wife.. Yes I can be angry and still love her.. 
Let me know how you would feel having someone you thought loved you for 19 years have her cell phone ring on the dining room table and see the contact picture is the Other man and her hugging during the affair.. Then have her answer that phone and walk into another room to talk with him. 

Then when you question her on WTF and express the pain it cause you to see that. The response is, its not like I am talking in front of you.

That sucked.. That sucked very hard.. 
Now mind you anyone else would have tossed her out on her backside. Crushed her cell phone.. 

Unfortunately my Ex-wife has this special phone number to my job called 911.. Hello 911 my husband the cop just threw me out of my house. My husband the cop threaten to kill me.. My husband the cop just committed a crime of criminal mischief by destroying my phone.. 

What do you think would have happen to me ? I will tell you.. I would have gotten arrested.. 

Imagine having this other man walk out of their new apartment with your son and have this other man kiss and hug your son good bye in front of you.. This man he knows of 2 months.. Some strange man is kissing and hugging your son.. I had to talk to myself out loud not to get out of the car.. I was actually saying don't get out of this car.. don't get out of this car.. you will loose.. you cannot win this.. don't get out.. 

Then the 2nd time I went to pick up my son, he is on the balcony this time. Because I asked my wife not to have him do that.. So this time he is on the balcony.. My wife opens the door ever so slightly so my son can squeeze out not to see me. 

And then once my son get in the car this man flicks his cigarette at me and gives me the finger.. So I call him a d0uchebag.. 

He then calls me twice telling me to come back so he can kick my backside.. Mind you I am 6'3" and he is 5'1" to 5'3". I don't even think his foot could reach my A$$.. But again I know I will loose because I am a cop.. I will get suspended at the least and arrested at the worst.. Regardless either one is bad of course lets not even talk about being sued civilly, which the job will not cover.. 

Again I was screwed all around.. 

I think I'm allowed a little legal vengeance don't you think ? 

I think she is allowed a little pain or suffering after 19 years and 3 or who knows how many attempted / successful affairs she has had that I forgave her for.. 

If you have the time or patience of reading my 20 page thread it pretty much covers blow by blow with dates.. its in my signature labeled my mistake.. 

I have no transference issues.. Each person is their own.. 

As for the Ex-GF again I'm not going into much details, but she took 3 xanax each day since she was 17 years old.. She is 43 now.. I didn't know this until weeks before this incident.. Maybe that had some play into it.. Look I am just giving you a snippet out of one moment in time.. There was more to it and it just culminated into this.. 

Nutshell dating today is not like dating when you 20 with no kids.. Its a rude awaking.. 

Personally I am on TAM, I read books about relationships. Articles on line.. Links posted by people here. I go to therapy just to understand and learn about myself.. I truly do not want my kids to have any issues I did or do, assuming I have any.. As I said I am not that obtuse that I am not aware of my shortcomings. 

If anything I wear my heart on my sleeve and everyone knows it. 

I understand I am upset and I am allowed to be upset, there is nothing wrong with it. But I don't get upset with a girlfriend because my wife did something to me. 

Again my wife abandoned me and my kids.. She doesn't talk to me or my oldest or anyone in her family.. I'm no rocket scientist, but even I can tell she has some sort of issue or breakdown.. 

I would love to tell you we had problems, that we fought all the time.. That we never had sex.. But I would be lying.. 

We might have had problems that I was not aware of. But we didn't fight unless I caught her trying to meet someone. I can tell you those were our biggest fights and understandably so.. But beyond that we had disagreements and if I was wrong I would say so.. I wasn't some hard a$$ that's for sure. We had sex 2 to 3 times a week for just about 19 years.. I know that is a lot of sex for an average couple. During our fake reconciliation we had it even more.. What can I say she was a good actress.. She fooled me that's for sure..

But I am starting to find out that over the years some people, like many here on TAM took the time to fix themselves. BUT there are TONS of people who are broken out there.. That over the course of 20 years or so of bad relationships and break ups have been molded into some warped person. 

Simple example, go to Plenty of Fish and read the profiles on many woman.. How many of them comment about baby momma drama or reliving the past.. TONS of them.. 

You don't think men have to deal with the same issues from women ? Of course they do. 

Can you imagine having a woman call you and ask you to talk to her therapist to explain why you didn't want to date her after the 2nd date ?.. You can't make this stuff up.. 

The point is for the most part people in their 20s have not yet developed these issues or psychosis, unless of course they had really bad childhoods. But even then I will tell you I dated and then lived with a woman for 4 1/2 year when I was 20 and she was 32 and she had a TERRIBLE childhood filled with sexual abuse.. You would never known.. You would think she had some sort of sexual inhibitions or something, but she didn't. I didn't know until maybe the 2nd year in when her father showed up at her mothers house.. Then I could see the panic in her.. 

But I will tell you she was the best woman I have even been with.. We are friends still to this day.. 26 years later.. I wish I wasn't so shallow that 12 years didn't matter.. But it just does. 

I don't know maybe I'm just attracting crazy.. Who knows.

I know this thread turned out bad.. I feel like I'm up against the ropes trying to defend myself.. But it is, what it is ATM..


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## Morgiana

@hardtohandle

Im not saying you shouldn't feel or not feel anything in particular. We all deal with what we have to at our own pace and in our own way. The end result hoped for is peace with yourself. Happiness with your life. 

What does vengeance provide? Will two wrongs make a right? Im not saying you shouldn't get CS if you have both your boys full time, but you should be doing _for them_ not to spite your ex-wife. Forgiveness of her indiscretions is for you, to allow you to find peace. To move on with your life and live it the way you deem fit and proper. 

Right now what I see in your posts is anger and hurt, which is understandable. But I don't think that it's rational to be mad at the gf for telling you she was hesitant about the situation. I believe it to be your right to tell her that in your mind it is not negotiable, and sorry, but goodbye. But why be mad at her for telling you _before_ committing that she had issues? Seems to me she might have been more truthful than the ex-wife at least.

Im not sure if you feel up against the ropes because of this thread or just in life generally at the moment, but 2x4s can be liberally applied around here. It's done to try and help get people back into good shape though not to beat you down. 

I don't know how long its been for you that you've been in or out of relationships, but I really believe based on my interpretation of what you have written that with as much anger/turmoil you are expressing that a break in relationships to find your bearings would be helpful. The way I quantify my current standing is would I want to date myself? (Currently the answer is still no, but I think Im less than 3 months away from a yes.)

Wishing you well,
-M


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## 2galsmom

Well Hardtohandle, you were ranting and when people label their posts as a rant I read them as such. To me you were just being honest. No one wants an ugly mate, everyone cares about money on some level. We try not to, but who wants a deadbeat or a gold digger? No one.

As for sex, everyone for the most part except the new Asexual movement wants that and no one wants it with someone they are not attracted to.

I am too lazy too read all of the back posts in this thread and I just wanted you to know, that some of us, while we recognize the importance of money and do not want a deadbeat, get put off when men talk about money. So many men think if they have money they can do what they want, and many women concur, but not all women.

I was not offended by anything especially when I read it as a "rant."

I feel bad for you that you still love your ex. I am lucky, I do NOT love my ex in any form! So I have that going for me! Your lingering feelings will make it hard on you and whomever you chose to be with.

As for the kids, deal breaker lady. Your kids don't need another woman to abandon them or make them feel bad, that is how I am with other men. Don't like my kids, your kids will be mean to mine? You plan on constantly comparing them then we cannot be a blended "family."

Good luck to you hardtohandle.


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## ImaBasketcase

Dedicated2Her said:


> "My divorce will be final in a year and I cannot imagine dating anyone unless it is someone I knew before my divorce."
> 
> You will have to change that thought process. Dating someone you knew before the divorce presents a myriad of problems, especially for your children. It is a very selfish act for a parent. I've seen the emotional strain myself. There is nothing good about it. My ex has done it with both people she has dated and it has created chaos with the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dedicated2Her, can you expand on this? My X is dating someone he knew before we separated (in fact I would argue _she_ is the reason why he left, but naturally he disagrees). Of course they became super serious right away and I'm just bracing myself for the fallout with my kids. I'm curious to hear more about the myriad of problems or your experience. Thanks.


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## Holland

OP the money thing is important, to me it is actually one of the most important criteria in a new partner. IMO people at this age/stage in life that have been married and divorced do better to be with someone that is roughly a financial equal especially with kids involved.

I am a woman with a high level of wealth and it is for my kids, not for anyone else. I was happy to casually date and sleep with men that were not as well off but would never get into a relationship with them.
Also when I eventually co habitate with my partner (who is financially secure) we will put a pre nup in place.


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## 2galsmom

ImaBasketcase said:


> Dedicated2Her, can you expand on this? My X is dating someone he knew before we separated (in fact I would argue _she_ is the reason why he left, but naturally he disagrees). Of course they became super serious right away and I'm just bracing myself for the fallout with my kids. I'm curious to hear more about the myriad of problems or your experience. Thanks.


Yeah, I don't know what that was about.


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## Dedicated2Her

> Dedicated2Her, can you expand on this? My X is dating someone he knew before we separated (in fact I would argue she is the reason why he left, but naturally he disagrees). Of course they became super serious right away and I'm just bracing myself for the fallout with my kids. I'm curious to hear more about the myriad of problems or your experience. Thanks.


Sure. Let me clarify one thing: This actually will help you in terms of your specific relationship with your children. (Your X dating someone he knew) However, in the long run, it has devastating effects emotionally on the children. It also hurts the X's new relationship. 

Explanation: Typically, a wayward spouse is the one who is going to date someone who was known before the divorce. Typically, and I say this to emphasize the vast majority of the time and there will be exceptions, the betrayed spouse is more protective and aware of the kids, their own emotions, and seek out help proactively not to find support for their own individual decisions, but to get better as a person. Therefore, betrayed spouses usually don't date someone who the kids know, i.e. someone they knew before the divorce. They try to shield their kids from their dating life until absolutely necessary. It is a path built on actions before emotion, putting the kids before your own needs of companionship.

The problems for your X: Dating someone you previously knew leads to a few things 1) Retardation of the dating process. It becomes rushed. Because of familiarity, the guard is let down far too soon before the other person is truly vetted out. 2) The kids are introduced too quickly and far too often. It gives the impression of "instant family" to the children. If you have ever heard the term "instant family", it produces massive amounts of resentment in children. They are left wondering if something was going on before the divorce with the couple. It breeds lack of trust in adults. It fuels anger towards the new adult being dated as "they were the reason my parents got divorced". If you have ever dealt with deep resentment, you will know that those children will be either sitting in an IC therapy chair as an adult to deal with more relationship/personal issues, or their adult life will not be a truly peaceful and happy existence. 3) By quickly dating someone they knew, the person does not truly deal with their insecurities or their problems that led them down the path of divorce. (typically the wayward) This means they are not a whole person. In order to have a truly loving, long lasting relationship, there needs to be two whole people in the relationship. Not dealing with their problems, not facing their fears, not addressing their part in the divorce, and putting their needs above their kids means that they are, in fact, selfish.

Things that you will see: ANGER from your kids, and then periods of apathy. Moments where they break down. I have watched a very calm 5 year old all of a sudden lash out, throw something, and say "I HATE "HIM" I wish he would go away!" It wasn't my child, but I have seen similar things out of mine. See, they feel betrayed. Thus, undermining trust. 

What can you do about it? TAKE CARE OF YOU. I went to a faith based IC for a year specifically to deal with parenting issues. I also went to a divorce recovery group. I spend a ton of time mentoring men in these situations. Take your time and be consistent with your actions. If you promise something, follow through. It is such a blessing in disguise. You can tell your kids that the divorce is the greatest thing that ever happened. Why? "Because now they have an opportunity to see what a true, loving, committed relationship can look like." Value yourself, and let your children see how you value them and their feelings. It will bond you forever and give you the opportunity to be a true inspiration for them. Help them forgive their dad and the person he dates. That is HUGE. Resentment is a soul corroding force.


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## ImaBasketcase

Dedicated2Her said:


> Sure. Let me clarify one thing: This actually will help you in terms of your specific relationship with your children. (Your X dating someone he knew) However, in the long run, it has devastating effects emotionally on the children. It also hurts the X's new relationship.
> 
> Explanation: Typically, a wayward spouse is the one who is going to date someone who was known before the divorce. Typically, and I say this to emphasize the vast majority of the time and there will be exceptions, the betrayed spouse is more protective and aware of the kids, their own emotions, and seek out help proactively not to find support for their own individual decisions, but to get better as a person. Therefore, betrayed spouses usually don't date someone who the kids know, i.e. someone they knew before the divorce. They try to shield their kids from their dating life until absolutely necessary. It is a path built on actions before emotion, putting the kids before your own needs of companionship.
> 
> The problems for your X: Dating someone you previously knew leads to a few things 1) Retardation of the dating process. It becomes rushed. Because of familiarity, the guard is let down far too soon before the other person is truly vetted out. 2) The kids are introduced too quickly and far too often. It gives the impression of "instant family" to the children. If you have ever heard the term "instant family", it produces massive amounts of resentment in children. They are left wondering if something was going on before the divorce with the couple. It breeds lack of trust in adults. It fuels anger towards the new adult being dated as "they were the reason my parents got divorced". If you have ever dealt with deep resentment, you will know that those children will be either sitting in an IC therapy chair as an adult to deal with more relationship/personal issues, or their adult life will not be a truly peaceful and happy existence. 3) By quickly dating someone they knew, the person does not truly deal with their insecurities or their problems that led them down the path of divorce. (typically the wayward) This means they are not a whole person. In order to have a truly loving, long lasting relationship, their needs to be two whole people in the relationship. Not dealing with their problems, not facing their fears, not addressing their part in the divorce, and putting their needs above their kids means that they are, in fact, selfish.
> 
> Things that you will see: ANGER from your kids, and then periods of apathy. Moments where they break down. I have watched a very calm 5 year old all of a sudden lash out, throw something, and say "I HATE "HIM" I wish he would go away!" It wasn't my child, but I have seen similar things out of mine. See, they feel betrayed. Thus, undermining trust.
> 
> What can you do about it? TAKE CARE OF YOU. I went to a faith based IC for a year specifically to deal with parenting issues. I also went to a divorce recovery group. I spend a ton of time mentoring men in these situations. Take your time and be consistent with your actions. If you promise something, follow through. It is such a blessing in disguise.  You can tell your kids that the divorce is the greatest thing that ever happened. Why? "Because now they have an opportunity to see what a true, loving, committed relationship can look like." Value yourself, and let your children see how you value them and their feelings. It will bond you forever and give you the opportunity to be a true inspiration for them. Help them forgive their dad and the person he dates. That is HUGE. Resentment is a soul corroding force.


WOW. Just wow. You have helped me in ways I can't even put into words at this moment. THANK YOU.
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## Dedicated2Her

> WOW. Just wow. You have helped me in ways I can't even put into words at this moment. THANK YOU.


You are welcome. I would have responded quicker, however, my life is fairly busy these days. It leaves less time for TAM.:smthumbup:


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## Dedicated2Her

> I still think there are circumstances where you can date someone you knew before the divorce and it is not selfish.


If you mean dating someone at least 5 years after both of your divorces when the dust has settled and your kids have grown up, sure.


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## Dedicated2Her

2galsmom said:


> My kids don't know most of the adults I knew in my marriage and my ex is gone for the next three years so I am quite sure I would be fine. Oddly, there is no one I can think of that I would want to date, but I just like keeping my options open.


Understood. The assumption for dating people you knew in marriage is that your kids knew them too. If they don't know them or know who they are, different story.

However, it will have an effect on the relationship itself.
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## danielbrown12

I do not believe in this topic. If you plan everything carefully and work accordingly then you can get success and fun in this. Little care has to be taken. First of all you have to analyze your search. After that always try to find out the reason of your unsuccessful relationship and do not repeat that again. If you have kids then be honest with them and also try to know about their feelings. All goes well if you take the things seriously. Be honest and have faith in yourself. You can pass with colors.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Dating sucks period! Don't give up, the right woman will come along. Don't ever settle for less either. 

It took me about 5 years after my divorce to meet my husband and he was divorced under a year when we met. We've been together for 14 years and I was the one with the child from the first marriage.


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