# Poorly planned confrontations



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Did anyone else take the disastrous route of the poorly planned, knee-jerk confrontation? Tell your story here!

I totally dropped the ball on mine. I remember it was nighttime, wife is putting daughter to bed, and I check her phone on a whim. It was like a psychic voice saying "CHECK HER PHONE DUDE! DO IT NOW!"

So there's texts with some dude, pretty heavy, inappropriate stuff. What do I do? I take her phone out and leave it right on the table, with that message opened up, to see if she'll say anything. She grabs her phone when she comes up and slyly deletes the texts and doesn't say anything.

Next day, I get on facebook and tell this guys wife. Figure I'll go straight to kickin a hornets nest. 

I did not realize at the time they were all in cahoots. Guys Wife calls him at work (him and wife were co-workers) and next thing I know she's texting me saying we need to talk. Of course she denies anything happened, says they've been trying to get her into a 3way and while she never did anything with them she enjoyed the flirting. 

Finally I get her to admit to sleeping with some random dude a few months before. Even finding other texts from another dude later (she didn't empty her trash folder on her texts) and she still denied anything happened with this other dude. 

Took me a good six months of pestering and badgering to get any level of truth out of her. 

If I could do it again, I'd have never said anything, just kept a close eye on her. And every time we watched TV I'd put on some show that involved cheating, just to raise her anxiety levels. And gone for all the spy gear. Then I'd have confronted her with all kinds of evidence.

I did use mobile spy for a while, but it was ultimately pointless as it was during one her "good periods" i think...she'd just been caught and I'm pretty sure she was done with it. Plus Mobilespy tends to suck because you don't get the longer text messages, and those are the juicy ones. 

What's your story?


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Thanks to TAM my confrontation did not fall apart. It probably would have if had not found this site. I learned here that you need to be prepared in case the OM's wife does not believe you.

Not in a million years would I have guessed that if a man went to a woman's door to inform her that her husband was cheating with another man's wife she would deny. I was prepared for it but when she did the denial thing I was still shocked a bit...I regathered my composure and showed her my proof. 

If I wasn't prepared for this by TAM, I think I may blown it due to shock.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> Did anyone else take the disastrous route of the poorly planned, knee-jerk confrontation? Tell your story here!
> 
> I totally dropped the ball on mine. I remember it was nighttime, wife is putting daughter to bed, and I check her phone on a whim. It was like a psychic voice saying "CHECK HER PHONE DUDE! DO IT NOW!"
> 
> ...


I don't know if that would have worked on your wife or not. Certainly wouldn't have worked on mine as she saw nothing wrong with cheating.

For months I thought she was having a mental breakdown with her strange behavior. Possibly post partium or something along the lines. Even talked to a counselor and that was his best guess. About 2 weeks before I found out the truth I began to think it was an affair, shared my thoughts with her mom who said no she would never do that again blah blah blah. 

So I was away in another city having surgery. Came home on a Sunday and finally she left her phone out. I was able to break the password and read her texts. I felt vindicated because I was right. This wasn't me, wasn't a mental disorder, was just her being a cheater like she always had been. So that confrontation went down right there in front of the kids. I have no regrets about anything pertaining to that. Only marrying her in the first place.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yep…Got the ILYBNILY speech, “It’s time for you to move out so I can see if I miss you.” and knew something was up. Found condoms in her glovebox. Walked right in the house, she was watching a movie with the kids. She could tell something was seriously wrong and asked “What’s up?” I flashed the condom box. And she sat there, protected by the kids from me doing the direct confrontation. She used that time, to wipe her phone and create a story for the condoms.

Then gaslighted and lied. Gave her phone to check, access to facebook, everything to prove nothing is going on. Those condoms are her friend (promiscuous one) who left them in her car the previous weekend… didn’t want to carry them in her purse… blah, blah. 

And because she’d deleted, wiped, warned everyone, etc. Finding concrete proof to disprove her stories, excuses, and fabrications became impossible. There was always enough truth in her stories that it was ‘possible’ she was telling the truth, but unlikely. Kept me in the dark for months going insane trying to find absolute proof she was full of it. 

If I had waited, and done the things here, I would have known and had concrete proof within a week. Even after that bad exposure, if I’d had a VAR in her car, I probably would have picked up something. But because she knew I was actively seeking, and I did it poorly at first, she went deep underground which made it crazy for me.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, another massive mistake. I did get a text forwarding app on her blackberry and email forwarding. She slipped and asked her friend to call these two OM and warn them. So I got the names of the OM’s that way…. And immediately confronted her “Who is _____ and why should he be warned?” So she knew her phone was compromised and stopped using it or any of her extra email accounts I’d broken into.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

While you all call this a failure in the confrontation. I call it a failure in respecting yourself. You don't need to see who shot Kennedy. You don't need to know 1000% proof. You have already passed the 100% you just have refused to look at it that way and allowed them to continue with there games. 

Deleting Txt's 
Hiding there phone. 
Being secretive about there emails. 
Not being able to account for time being gone. 

You confront and you know they are lieing to your face. This is what I call a bold face lie. You already know the truth. They are cheating on you. You are never going to know the full truth. Let them spin what ever garbage they want. 

Do two things. Tell them you expect 1000% complete transparency or your getting a divorce. They even argue it don't stand there and listen. Give them the same respect you have been given. Walk away and file at your soonest convince. immediately go 180. 

You can always stop the divorce if you need to. They can go underground with there affair but in time they will slip up and you can expose as you feel you need. In the mean time you can actually start taking care of you. 


They are never going to stop treating you this way until you say no more.

Clay


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Racer said:


> Oh, another massive mistake. I did get a text forwarding app on her blackberry and email forwarding. She slipped and asked her friend to call these two OM and warn them. So I got the names of the OM’s that way…. And immediately confronted her “Who is _____ and why should he be warned?” So she knew her phone was compromised and stopped using it or any of her extra email accounts I’d broken into.



Must resist....from replying


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

warlock07 said:


> Must resist....from replying


lol... the thread is "poorly planned"... This was long before I joined TAM. I was your ideal 'how not to handle being betrayed' and my wife the 'unremorseful poster child of adultery'.

Hence why our R (or slow D) is rather messy. You name it, I probably did it wrong at first.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I still don't wholly grasp the reason why you have to go the route of covert spy in your marriage. If there is a suspicion that your spouse is not on the level, by all means snoop, use VARS and spy. However, once you see there is tangible proof that something is going on, confront and use your powers of persuasion to get to the truth. Demand a polygraph or it's divorce, demand the truth now or divorce, etc. etc. 

For every thread I see where clandestine ops has busted an affair, I see another one where the BS already has a good level of truth but will continue the covert op until every last ounce of truth is gathered. In the meantime, you see the WS only getting deeper and deeper into the affair. IDK, I think a lot of it is wasted time as soon as you have a good level of confidence that an affair is going on. 

The way I see it, the moment you are convinced that your spouse is not trustworthy, does not love you and is badmouthing you behind your back, the marriage is already done at this point. Sitting back to gather more intel is fruitless, unless you live in a state where infidelity matters in the divorce proceedings.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I caught my wife in an EA back in mid-2012 and confronted immediately. I had all the proof that I needed just by looking at her FB chats, so there was no way that she could deny or lie her way out of it.

I suppose that I was probably lucky in that it had only been going on for a few days, and it was probably because of this that I was able to curbstomp the sh*t out of it and get her out of the fog somewhat easily. It still hurt like hell, though. There was definitely some coaching going on from OM, and they were getting ready to ramp it up (i.e. Skype).

It could probably be seen -- to some degree -- as a credit to her nature that I didn't have to dig too deeply to uncover the truth. She hadn't gone to any extensive measures to keep anything from me; she was just using my trust as a shield of sorts.


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## professor_panda (May 1, 2014)

I posted about this in my blog (not sure if I can post here), but a short version:

While on vacation I saw an inappropriate conversation between her and secret lover on Facebook (she left herself logged in... dummy). Immediately confronted. She initially denied, covered tracks, cried, got back in my good graces... but that lasted only as long as the vacation. 

When we returned home she continued covering her butt, returned to him, then dropped the big bomb on me. She filed for divorce. Left me with three kids... then eventually decided to play mommy again. 

In hindsight, I shoulda kept what I found out to myself, gathered a bunch of evidence, gone to an attorney, filed, exposed her affair, thrown her out and shamed her in front of the world. That woulda been nice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I had pretty much all the evidence I needed, but I should have snooped for a while just to see the extent of what he was up to. 

Oh, and I probably shouldn't have gotten drunk.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I've said it before- when the county clerk hands you your marriage license, they should also include instructions to come to TAM if you ever suspect your spouse is having an affair. 

I discovered TAM two weeks after the fact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I still don't wholly grasp the reason why you have to go the route of covert spy in your marriage. If there is a suspicion that your spouse is not on the level, by all means snoop, use VARS and spy. However, once you see there is tangible proof that something is going on, confront and use your powers of persuasion to get to the truth. Demand a polygraph or it's divorce, demand the truth now or divorce, etc. etc.
> 
> For every thread I see where clandestine ops has busted an affair, I see another one where the BS already has a good level of truth but will continue the covert op until every last ounce of truth is gathered. In the meantime, you see the WS only getting deeper and deeper into the affair. IDK, I think a lot of it is wasted time as soon as you have a good level of confidence that an affair is going on.
> 
> The way I see it, the moment you are convinced that your spouse is not trustworthy, does not love you and is badmouthing you behind your back, the marriage is already done at this point. Sitting back to gather more intel is fruitless, unless you live in a state where infidelity matters in the divorce proceedings.


I for one was not willing to jeopardize my daughter's two-parent home without undeniable proof that my ex really was a wh0re. She would've taken it to the grave, so how else are you supposed to find out the truth?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

When my LTgf was exposed to me by my friend (he saw her at a club with the POS), I immediately confronted her.

She denied being there with anyone.

I said fine, lets call 'Sam' (my friend, not his real name), cause he's the one who saw you.

She then admitted she was with him, but they were just friends from work and nothing was going on.

I told her to f**k off and threw her out.

When my friend informed me, it instantly clicked in my brain why she had freaked out about a week before when I checked the message machine in her office...she had often left messages about what she wanted to do for dinner on there...I had checked it dozens of times.

She would even tell me all the time to check it after I got home from work, so I would know what her plans were since she worked late so often.

Then WHAM...she freaked that I had listened to the messages...a week later he told me about the club.

That was all I needed...I ended it instantly.

Eight months later she came back wanting to restart the relationship.

My first reaction was why would I want to be back with a cheating liar.

She actually came clean and admitted it, then begged for another chance.

I told her to pound sand.

I understand for many it would be different if they were M and had kids, but I didn't need any more proof.

One confirmed sighting, and the light it threw on one WTF incident, proved to me she was a cheating b***h.

And I learned the gut is always right 8 months later with her desperate confession and attempt to reconcile.

Some people would say I got lucky...that I jumped the gun and confronted with basically nothing.

I can't argue with that to an extent.

All I can say is I knew in my gut, and her initial lying and lame explanations for it simply defied logic.

I think what truly made it work for me was the decision to end it immediately.

Being strong and willing to walk instantly is decisive...but you HAVE to be willing to follow through.

If I had followed up the initial confrontation/decision by backtracking and trying to work on it with her, I would have been lost and destroyed by gaslighting/blameshifting...I'm sure of that.

My harsh response simply gave her NO opportunity to engage in these tactics.

It was over so fast her head spun. 

And then I got the satisfaction of being able to coldly and unemotionally tell her 'No' to reconciliation months later.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> When my LTgf was exposed to me by my friend (he saw her at a club with the POS), I immediately confronted her.
> 
> She denied being there with anyone.
> 
> ...


Depending on the overall length of time spent in a given relationship, and aside from love (and maybe finances) itself, there is generally no _good_ reason not to break off a relationship w/ a spouse/SO in the case of infidelity.

Having said that, it seem pretty obvious to most that either of the following could potentially change the landscape...

1. Children

2. Living in an area in which marital infidelity could be considered a significant factor in divorce proceedings (i.e. a "fault" state), especially when determining things like spousal support and child custody

If either of these factors are present, I'd argue that a bit more planning, evidence gathering, etc. would be in order prior to confronting.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I could never wait two minutes to confront someone let alone days or week, even months like some. 

I confronted immediately and had tons of proof with his phone and emails. 

I remember my daughter had "meet the teacher night" at the brand new school that had just been renovated. 

That night, after confrontation, I just walked the school halls with all the happy parents and adults while in a daze.

I hated walking into that school for all the years they attended. 


Not really much to do with confrontation, just a trigger memory. 

When I explode, there's no holding back. I just didn't care.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> *I for one was not willing to jeopardize my daughter's two-parent home* without undeniable proof that my ex really was a wh0re. She would've taken it to the grave, so how else are you supposed to find out the truth?


Maybe I'm wrong, but IMHO the moment you cannot trust your spouse when it comes to fidelity and matters of the heart is the moment your marriage is over in all ways except legally. What kind of home would the kids have if they know that dad can't trust mom? Before you say, "we wouldn't tell the kids", I hate to break it to you but the kids have a way of knowing when something isn't right.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you have kids, Plan 9?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, do you?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I've said it before- when the county clerk hands you your marriage license, they should also include instructions to come to TAM if you ever suspect your spouse is having an affair.
> 
> I discovered TAM two weeks after the fact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


6 years to late for me.

At 25 years married, I got the... "I can't do this, we are not good for the children." Xmas day no-less, I was blindsided, no warning, no fighting, just a wife wanting an exit. 

Without any proof what so ever, I confronted her... "tell me who it is?" Stupid me. She just played me while continuing affairs for the next 6 years.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I've said it before- when the county clerk hands you your marriage license, they should also include instructions to come to TAM if you ever suspect your spouse is having an affair.
> 
> I discovered TAM two weeks after the fact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Philly you did relatively well. Your marriage was/is from all appearances 100% salvageable. (You are still boinking her at least 6x a month right? (Up from 1 to 2 IIRC)) Yes she got into a HIDEOUSLY inappropriate situation. Sorry I dont believe the hand holding did not happen. BUT I also dont think it even got to making out... So, you at least have the foundation to rebuild from.

Some of the peeps here... shudder. The mind movies must be excruciating.

Ive answered ask.com / reddit type places given instructions to come here to funnel people in.

Understand some people cover all bases with proof. Some people dont need it. There is only the answer that is right for them.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Racer said:


> Hence why our R (or slow D) is rather messy. You name it, I probably did it wrong at first.


'R or slow D'. Love it Racer. Can totally relate.

I too did everything wrong and paid a big price.

Attention all newbies out there. . . 
It may seem like tough advice but TAM's advice is the best any BS can get. Take it!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yep, I managed to bollix it up hugely. I found the texts between him and his AP, and went upstairs to confront him immediately. It was just shy of 3:00 a.m. and we both had to be up by 5:30 to get ready for work. I woke him up crying and asking him how long it had been going on, but I really had no plan, no intention other than to ask him to stop hurting me, and no idea of what was really going on in my marriage or my life. By the time I got to work the next morning, he had convinced me that I was crazy and really needed to see a professional about the issues I was clearly having. I honestly called to find a MC who could help us out with me being jealous and psycho.... 

The thing is, I had very clear proof of a long-term EA, so that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I didn't know enough about infidelity, foggy behavior, gas-lighting, or serial cheaters to know what I was about to step off a cliff into. I had no idea that it was possible to install spyware on a cell phone and had no clue that people could or ever would spy on their spouse. I had no idea that unconditional love wasn't a good thing, or that blind trust was stupid. But mostly, I just had _no_ idea who I was actually married to. 

Interestingly, while I eventually learned a whole lot about infidelity and snooping - and found out a bunch of really unsavory things about him and many of his/our/my friends - I never did actually find proof of any of his affairs except that one EA. The rest were one night stands and brief flings that were sometimes 2-5 years apart, so when I was monitoring there was really no proof to find. If our MC hadn't recommended a polygraph, leading to an eleventh hour confession, I might have never known about the serial cheating.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I had some suspicions on and off over a number of years. Looking back, one or more could have been affairs, but others I think are explained by her abuse history. This set the groundwork for...

She decided on our 25th Anniversary that the marriage was over, but she was waiting for the kids to all graduate high school (7 years later, which is this year as it turns out). She didn't inform me, but she did stop wearing her rings secretly when she went out of the house.

There were some suspicious signs, but all were explained away by her eventually. She made a comment about putting in a curved shower curtain rod, _like the ones in hotels_, yet we don't stay in hotels on vacation (we rent a cottage at the beach). I saw one early winter she had neatly trimmed her nether regions, which she had never done before. This was 2 years into sexlessness after the 25th Anniversary. She was spending a lot of time on her laptop with the screen facing away from the door, and several times I noticed the light cast on her and the wall behind her would change as I entered the room. There were a few other odd things.

My first approach was in late summer 3 years ago, saying nothing about suspicions, but to discuss choosing either to D or to fix the marriage. She said let's fix it. For the next month nothing suspicious happened. 

By now it seemed that any affair(s) were ended and she seemed fully engaged in the marriage. Without any hard evidence there is no solid way to confront.

Fail 1: Waiting for a flight while on vacation I discover our model of cellphone keeps all emails in a hidden folder. Being euphoric about the marriage I blurt it out. She immediately glues her phone to her hip. There was 2+ years of emails on her phone. I didn't want to create conflict on Day 1 of vacation, nor appear suspicious, so I didn't say anything. My plan was to take her phone in the middle of the night and look at the emails. But she waited until I went to sleep then she manually deleted every email. Our phones did not allow bulk deleting or any other simple way. It must have taken her 90 minutes _minimum_ to accomplish.

Fail 2: A month later, upon advice from a counselor, and with no evidence of an ongoing affair, I calmly ask her if there had ever been any affairs. She denies. She asks why I'm asking and I tell her a few of the suspicious things I'd observed. That was a mistake, I shouldn't have told her anything even though I withheld a lot. This also gave her warning I was suspicious, and to take anything deep underground.

Fail 3: Two months later I found a shaving kit in the car door. 99.999% sure it was hers. She denies it. I should have sent it out for DNA testing.

So the big failure in all of this is that I never have gotten any closure or truly believable answers. Her answers to everything are _possible_ yet not _highly plausible_. I should have gone all 007 on things when it seemed an affair was underway. When I discovered the emails on the phone I should have demanded she hand me her phone rather than try to appear unconcerned. At the time I was merely trying to survive one more year due to teen daughter issues, so I didn't want to blow things up.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Do you have kids, Plan 9?


Yes, 3 of them.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, back on DD#2 when I found his cheap laptop that he was hiding under the backseat of his truck, I wish I had taken it and hid it somewhere then went thru it carefully. Instead I let him smash it up and throw it away. I could not get into it because it was password protected but now I realize that I could have probably hacked into it somehow.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Philly you did relatively well. Your marriage was/is from all appearances 100% salvageable. (You are still boinking her at least 6x a month right? (Up from 1 to 2 IIRC)) Yes she got into a HIDEOUSLY inappropriate situation. Sorry I dont believe the hand holding did not happen. BUT I also dont think it even got to making out... So, you at least have the foundation to rebuild from.
> 
> Some of the peeps here... shudder. The mind movies must be excruciating.
> 
> ...


Part of me thinks in hindsight it was lucky that I confronted right away, before it had a chance to blow up into something more. Other times I think I should have kept quiet for a few weeks keep reading texts/emails/listen to VAR. But then maybe it would have simmered into more. Who knows. I think I scared the sh!t out of her, or maybe she scared the sh!t out of herself.

The handholding still bothers me granted much less than 5-6 months ago. He says he liked holding her hand. She says she pulled away right away. Truth is probably in the middle. She pulled away after several seconds. Lingered inappropriately too long. Her definition of "right away" and mine are different.

6x. A month sounds about right. 1-2 a week, except period week. Still not enough for my needs, but better than before.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Found some inappropriate texts, confronted her.
She "confessed" (about what I already knew). Come to find out she was having multiple PA the entire duration of our false R. The level of deception was truly inhumane.

Handled the first confrontation horribly. Basically comforted her? I was an idiot. 

Nailed the second one. She is currently committed to a mental institution. Hint, if your WS' fantasy is so crushed they wind up committed, you are doing it right.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Acoa said:


> Nailed the second one. She is currently committed to a mental institution. Hint, if your WS' fantasy is so crushed they wind up committed, you are doing it right.


Epic!

:allhail:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

highwood said:


> Yes, back on DD#2 when I found his cheap laptop that he was hiding under the backseat of his truck, I wish I had taken it and hid it somewhere then went thru it carefully. Instead I let him smash it up and throw it away. I could not get into it because it was password protected but now I realize that I could have probably hacked into it somehow.


You wouldn't have needed to "hack" into the hard drive.

You pull the hard drive out. Buy a $10-$20 external case. You plug the hard drive into another PC/Laptop. You access it like it was in external hard drive. All the folders and files can be opened and read from that PC/Laptop.

If you want to dive deeper, you get a recovery app and scan the drive for the selected file types. .jpg, .mpg, .avi, .txt and so on. A deep scan on a, say 500gig drive will take about 8 hours.

The recovery programs usually let the user open the file through the program. If you find something worth saving, you send it to the PC/Laptop hard drive. If the deleted file on the source disk hasn't been written over yet, the program just puts a beginning_of_file marker back on it.

I had to recovery my friends wife's files off a hard drive that was in a PC that the motherboard went on. She under wrote grants and she really needed some of the documents back.

I recovered some deleted jpegs from a flash drive for a guy at work also. Look up reviews on the program that you're thinking of using(from a site other than the manufacturer of the app).


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

> Hint, if your WS' fantasy is so crushed they wind up committed, you are doing it right.


This is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever read on TAM. What a horrible and ridiculously idiotic thing to say.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I give my all for 2 years of R while she is Boinking multiple OM and telling me how much she loves me and telling our therapist how she can't figure out how to prove her loyalty to me because I am so distrustful. 2 years going to the theater trying to be more involved with something she liked. The level if cruelty is high, it was her cruelty to me. 

Do I feel sorry for her? Sure, I was married to her over half of my life. But I am not going to be her KISA any longer. Feeling sorry for her kept me eating that sh1t sandwich she was feeding me for 2 years after Dday 1. All I did was shatter her fantasy that I would be there for her no matter what. But she was warned after Dday 1.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Racer said:


> lol... the thread is "poorly planned"... This was long before I joined TAM. I was your ideal 'how not to handle being betrayed' and my wife the 'unremorseful poster child of adultery'.
> 
> Hence why our R (or slow D) is rather messy. You name it, I probably did it wrong at first.


sorry Racer but if there are 2 users in TAM that I just don't understand why are reconciling (or trying to reconcile) are you and bad memory (that is why a prefer to stay away from your threads instead of just being a negative force there), I just don't, even "the guy" whose wife is probably the woman with most OMs in TAM I can understand why he reconciled. 

"The guy" case once that his WW realized her husband was honestly interested on her she revealed everything and burned whoever have to be burned and show complete submission (in the sense of transperency about the facts) and loyalty , but yours and bad memory's wife did not give anything, both have to be cornered and pressured to accept little by little the betrayal, and even after the whole thing and when they realized that their OMs didn't have their backs is when they decided give a chance to their husbands, but even right now thay don't do or behave with their BS as they did with their OMs.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> This is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever read on TAM. What a horrible and ridiculously idiotic thing to say.


Regret you probably have not read Acoas full story, he is one of the BS that gave to many chances and that believed too much, he even at certain point believed that his time on TAM was over because his reconcilation was successfully.

his wife just continued betraying him with more disgusting strategies as leaving her phone with the tracker (as they agree) in certain location while she was having escapades with her OMs, whatever he says as this point is pretty much justified.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> > Hint, if your WS' fantasy is so crushed they wind up committed, you are doing it right.
> 
> 
> This is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever read on TAM. What a horrible and ridiculously idiotic thing to say.


Regret, I hope I'm not ovetstepping boundaries here, you are the person I have an enormous respect for, but... I believe Acoa has right and reason to say that. 

Basically, your story, your commitment, your way of R have helped a lot of people (surely myself), and what Acoa's WW did puts a big dent in the hope and inspiration you have provided here. E.g. i won't be surprised if for somebody reading cwi the hope of successful R has died.

My apologies for being melodramatic and referring to Regret's and Acoa's stories, happy to delete.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

And it's certainly not my intent to derail anyone's R. My only point is nice and caring will get you nowhere when it comes to the fog. My first Dday I handled everything with kid gloves. I was afraid to lose her.

If I had the stones to play hardball then, maybe things would have turned out differently for me. I am not advocating mental cruelty to the WS. Just make sure Dday is a reckoning, shock and awe, not of intimidation or anger, but of truth. If I had gotten to the full truth 2 years ago, R would have had a chance.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

manticore said:


> Regret you probably have not read Acoas full story, he is one of the BS that gave to many chances and that believed too much, he even at certain point believed that his time on TAM was over because his reconcilation was successfully.
> 
> his wife just continued betraying him with more disgusting strategies as leaving her phone with the tracker (as they agree) in certain location while she was having escapades with her OMs, whatever he says as this point is pretty much justified.





Turin74 said:


> Regret, I hope I'm not ovetstepping boundaries here, you are the person I have an enormous respect for, but... I believe Acoa has right and reason to say that.
> 
> Basically, your story, your commitment, your way of R have helped a lot of people (surely myself), and what Acoa's WW did puts a big dent in the hope and inspiration you have provided here. E.g. i won't be surprised if for somebody reading cwi the hope of successful R has died.
> 
> ...


Points very well taken. I hope all can understand the statement just came across my screen in poor fashion and as a former wayward, obviously it hit me pretty harshly.



Acoa said:


> And it's certainly not my intent to derail anyone's R. My only point is nice and caring will get you nowhere when it comes to the fog. My first Dday I handled everything with kid gloves. I was afraid to lose her.
> 
> If I had the stones to play hardball then, maybe things would have turned out differently for me. I am not advocating mental cruelty to the WS. Just make sure Dday is a reckoning, shock and awe, not of intimidation or anger, but of truth. If I had gotten to the full truth 2 years ago, R would have had a chance.


I understand and I'm sorry you have had to endure what you have. On Dday, Dig came at me pretty hard in word AND action. No, he never physically scared me lest anyone try to read between the lines. In my eyes and knowing what I know now about affairs and taking action against them, he simply gave no quarter and did everything right. He made me throw away hundreds of dollars of clothing, including a pair of $400 boots because I wore them to work and subsequently when I met up with the xOM. Literally, my Dday fog lasted about 30 seconds. He broke through immediately and trust me when I say, the guilt I feel is still there. It may never go away.

I'm sorry you went through it so bad and I'm sorry for coming at you the way I did in my previous post.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Having written five confronts four successful.

The purpose IS to break them.
of the will to lie. It is to make them surrender completely.

NOT have them committed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> Having written five confronts four successful.
> 
> The purpose IS to break them.
> of the will to lie. It is to make them surrender completely.
> ...


Accomplishing the former, for some, will likely mean the latter as well. Seems to be the case for Mrs. Acoa.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> This is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever read on TAM. What a horrible and ridiculously idiotic thing to say.


Whatever. If children are involved, they deserve whatever they get. How many BSs have PTSD, addictions, committed suicide, etc? Too bad my ex isn't in a mental ward, my custody situation would be a lot better.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

manticore said:


> sorry Racer but if there are 2 users in TAM that I just don't understand why are reconciling (or trying to reconcile) are you and bad memory (that is why a prefer to stay away from your threads instead of just being a negative force there),
> 
> but yours and bad memory's wife did not give anything, both have to be cornered and pressured to accept little by little the betrayal, and even after the whole thing and when they realized that their OMs didn't have their backs is when they decided give a chance to their husbands, but even right now thay don't do or behave with their BS as they did with their OMs.


Well Racer, I guess we're suckers for reconciling. At least I'm not alone.. I'll invite Thorburn to the club as well, if you don't mind.

Look Manticore, I respect your opinion or anyone else's, that wouldn't have done the same thing in my situation. I have no problem with that.

But let's relate this to the topic - of poorly planned confrontations. On Dday, I started out perfectly. Kicked her out of the house, talked to an attorney and didn't talk to her for days. But after that, that's when I started making mistakes.

I won't rehash them, but let's just say that I didn't test her remorse enough; didn't give her enough consequences. By the time I found TAM 9 months later and educated myself on what I "should" have done, I came to the realization that despite those mistakes, I couldn't have asked her to demonstrate more remorse. I corrected the mistakes I could; but by that time, I just couldn't pull the trigger to divorce her, given her changed behavior. 

So, I waited for her to dare screw up - just once. Almost hoping she would. I'm still waiting 2 years later. But now, I hope she doesn't.

Things can change with time Manticore. Sometimes for the better.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> This is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever read on TAM. What a horrible and ridiculously idiotic thing to say.


I liked it.

Not seeing a problem there whatsoever.

She cheats, things fall apart, she falls apart. 

Now that's a real life dose of karma.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

sgfhzhen said:


> Thanks to TAM my confrontation did not fall apart.


2 seasoned posters like a post autogenerated by a spambot.

Now THAT's funny.

:lol:


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I liked it.
> 
> Not seeing a problem there whatsoever.
> 
> ...


Yes. Because having the wayward committed makes you feel stronger in your life. That's pathetic. Oh, and in case you skipped over my comment to Acoa, you missed the boat. It's already sailed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Look Manticore, I respect your opinion or anyone else's, that wouldn't have done the same thing in my situation. I have no problem with that.


nothing personal dude, I don't feel superior or have the deluded mentality as If "I was hyper alpha so I would have done this or that giving myself showers of superiority", but I do believe that not all persons deserve a second chance and many times (unfortunatly) people that give them end badly burned




badmemory said:


> Things can change with time Manticore. Sometimes for the better.


yeah things change, situations change, people mmmm. not so easily, that is why the importance of the bahaviour inmediatly after DD and even with that WW many times fail again

I can come with many sad examples here in TAM like "allybaby", "veryhurt", "frostflower" or most recent case here "Acoa's" (which wife just refined her method of cheating faking reconcilation for 2 years), but I think the one that has show me with more impact how don't even those "sincerely" remorseful willing to make heavy lifting after DD, following the transparency policy can be trusted is a case in MB (don't remeber the username but she posted in "oldsmitten's" wife thread that is how I found her) where the woman cheated at the beginning of the marriage, the husband was destroyed but he loved her and she begged for a second chance and they make the whole process of reconilation without rugsweeping and 10 years later she cheated again but this time for all what she learned during the reconcilation process she knew how to avoid red flags or leaving evidence, it was the OMW who caught him and informed the BS, and of course she was in MB saying her sad story of how something must be wrong with her to do this again to the man she loves and even she was amazed of how she did it without even giving signals bla bla bla.

so if even with those who are willing to reoncile inmediatly after DD, are first offenders and follow the reconcilation methodology as bibble fail again, then you can see my problem with those who apparently accepted to reconcile as damage control instead of sicerely desire.

I respect those who have already took their decission and walk the path they choose (as long as is with full knowladge of the truth and without being trickle truth or gaslighted) and as you said just because I belive that some WW don't deserve a second chance (mostly in the cases where I feel that the BSs are plan B) it does not mean that they can not reform themselves, I guess I see it wishing the best outcome for the Bs and if I don't see how I had hard time supporting the case.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

lenzi said:


> 2 seasoned posters like a post autogenerated by a spambot.
> 
> Now THAT's funny.
> 
> :lol:


thread jack (well another one)

how does it work?, all her comments have this "http://fashionold.com/hu5l.jpghttp://interinsurances.com/huht.jpg" and it just say short comments but that make sense to the thread or post


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Her answers to everything are possible yet not highly plausible."

Thor,

So sorry to hear this...it must be mental torture.

As I posted, a big part of me kicking the LTgf to the curb on D-Day was because of exactly this same situation.

Her initial attempts to explain (after being caught in a lie) simply did not make logical sense to me...for me it was proof that she was still lying and the only reason for that would be because she was in fact cheating.

I didn't get closure/confirmation for 8 months, but when she asked for a second chance she came clean.

My initial read was spot on.

I don't know if I could live in your situation...I certainly hope things get better for you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

manticore said:


> thread jack (well another one)
> 
> how does it work?, all her comments have this "http://fashionold.com/hu5l.jpghttp://interinsurances.com/huht.jpg" and it just say short comments but that make sense to the thread or post


Lol the bot actually got lucky one time out of 1000 quoting something appropriate. 

Good job bot!!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

manticore said:


> thread jack (well another one)
> 
> how does it work?, all her comments have this "http://fashionold.com/hu5l.jpghttp://interinsurances.com/huht.jpg" and it just say short comments but that make sense to the thread or post


Most of the posts made by the bot make no sense at all, the one comment made in this thread by the bot was a copy of part of a post made by another member earlier in the thread.



cj9947 said:


> Thanks to TAM my confrontation did not fall apart.





sgfhzhen said:


> Thanks to TAM my confrontation did not fall apart.




I have no idea how spambots work or why they very often have urls imbedded in their posts that reference an image on another website, my guess is that when a forum page is loaded with a post made by the spam bot it scores a "hit" on the website that contains the image and it provides some sort of revenue for the bot since the page is accessed.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Dyokemm said:


> "Her answers to everything are possible yet not highly plausible."
> 
> Thor,
> 
> ...


Thanks. Thirty years together, kids, house, retirement savings, alimony are all huge factors which make it a complicated mess. Leaving based on an uncertainty of an affair is not easy.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Didn't find TAM until long after I let on about my suspicions. I accused and insinuated that something was going on. I gave her way too many opportunities to cover up and make excuses. TAM helped bring me out of it and see things clearly. So, my confrontation wasn't just poorly planned, it wasn't planned at all. I only wish I had found TAM much much earlier. Don't think it would've changed things though.

I did however decide to buy a handgun several weeks after I confronted her. Really had nothing to do with my decision but boy the look on her face when I showed her my purchase.........priceless.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Really had nothing to do with my decision but boy the look on her face when I showed her my purchase.........priceless."

The really priceless look would have been the one on POSOM's face when she told HIM about the purchase.

I bet THAT would have been a wonderful sight to see.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "Really had nothing to do with my decision but boy the look on her face when I showed her my purchase.........priceless."
> 
> The really priceless look would have been the one on POSOM's face when she told HIM about the purchase.
> 
> I bet THAT would have been a wonderful sight to see.


Yeah, I'm sure there were more than a few late night secret conversations about what I was capable of. That was probably about the time he sent me a FB message swearing nothing was going on between the two of them. Hehe.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> This is probably the most disgusting thing I have ever read on TAM. What a horrible and ridiculously idiotic thing to say.


:scratchhead:
Out of all the stories you've read on this site this is the most disgusting thing? GTFOH :rofl:


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Anuvia said:


> :scratchhead:
> Out of all the stories you've read on this site this is the most disgusting thing? GTFOH :rofl:


Read much?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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