# 35 with 4 kids the oldest is 17, 20yr relationship/marriage now ending…



## dyzd_ncnfzd (Jul 28, 2008)

I don’t know where to begin, so I guess I will start with a bit about my wife and me.


My wife: a year younger than me. At times also lived in a single parent home, her mother was also very abusive but not as much physical as my mother but more verbal and emotional – Her mother hardly told her that she loved her or hardly gave any affection, she has 2 older brothers and 1 younger brother, they took care of themselves growing up, she’s smart, she finished high school while I worked, she has no interest in college, and has no other big interests in life other than keeping track of movie stars and TV. She’s more of an extrovert, while at times, I am the opposite. Like me she’s also very dysfunctional. Unlike me, she has a hard time showing emotion to me or to the kids.

Me: Only child, grew up in a single parent home. Mother worked two jobs and was hardly ever home. By 12 yrs old I became a problem child. By 14 I ended up living on the streets or at times with friends. I was in the correctional system off and on till I was 22. I met my wife very young and we had our first child very young. Over the years God was very vigilant over me and things changed. I matured a bit, became a bit more responsible, finished high school; although it was late, still taking classes in college when I can, and I manage to get a career in the pharmaceutical field as a research assistant. Through out all of this I know that I am not perfect and I have many personal issues that I still need to work on – although I’m still very dysfunctional in many areas. More importantly I have a hard time trusting people, yet even so I do my best to stay positive and strive for the best.

Okay now for the story and I will try to make this as short as possible (key word being “try”)…

Over the years, like almost everyone else, we’ve had our share of ups and downs in the relationship from cheating, to lying, disrespecting each other, and so on and so on, but about 8 years or so ago, just a bit after we got married, we vowed to each other to personally change that which was negatively affecting the relationship. And that is just what we did or at least what I did, but unfortunately for me she did not, at least not entirely. Over the last 8 years I have had a hard time in dealing with my wife. Lots of things have become more apparent to me in terms of her personality, character, and her affection for my kids and towards me.

One of the main issues is that she doesn’t really show any affection or emotion, or has a weird way of showing it. This has bothered me for so long now. Some other problem areas in the relationship are that I have caught her lying about the littlest things, she has a spending problem, and she belittles me in arguments. These are just some of the problems I deal with often. Ultimately these problem areas will eventually be the catalyst to a major argument. We go through this long process which basically goes like this… 

We fight, exchange words, ignore each other for a number of days, during which, about every other hour or so she will half-heartedly attempt to diffuse the situation, I don’t give in and continue to ignore her out of anger and frustration, she goes back to watching TV or acts as if nothing is going on, this frustrates me more and then eventually we repeat, and at some point in the process I let her know that her affection towards us and the way she deals with the relationship is the problem. She’ll then admit to the problems, make promises to change, and does for about a couple of weeks then she’s back to her old self again. 

This is basically what I constantly have to deal with. Some other things that really get to me are that she hardly calls me when I am gone, she says she can’t have the phone at work yet she will call other people and text them often. She doesn’t know my work number or the name of my company, we have nothing in common, I haven’t told her I love her for almost 4 yrs now, I haven’t kissed her in 3 yrs, and I haven’t worn my ring in 6 yrs and yet she acts as if nothing. Lately I have had such on odd feeling that she had been up to something but I couldn’t place it. On our recent cell phone bills I noticed that she was receiving text messages at odd times and often. Her behavior was out of place and so I confronted her about it. She assured that nothing was going on and that the calls between her and the guy texting were work related. When I had her call the guy in my presence to find out what the text messages were about, her behavior changed, the guy mentioned something about going to deliver some packages together, and she quickly changed the subject, and this is when it seemed to me that he caught on and did so as well. Later on she promises that they are not up to anything and that she never delivered anything with him, but later admits to me, after constant harassment from me because I suspect something, that they did deliver a package together but says they didn’t do anything inappropriate. My point being – why lie if it was all innocent. I would have believed her if she would have stated that to begin with. 

Longer story short, this has become a long repetitive process and I am fed up and want to leave her – the problem is it’s hard for me to let go, it eats me up inside all day, it has affected my jobs, my personality, my character, my health. I feel alone and afraid to move out and move on. Most of all I don’t know where to begin the exit process and I hate the idea of how she will act once I am gone – because I know it will be as if nothing major has changed, and that is what kills me most. What do I do!? I know I don’t love her like I use to and I know I need to move on. I have very little money saved, I only work part time now and worst of all I live in Expensive California.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Wow, you are both carrying a lot of baggage. Good for you to get your life back together after such a rough start. Your wife appears to be disconnected from you and may have a low ability to show affection and commitment. That she doesn’t even know the name of the company you work for shows a complete break down in the communications process. From both of you I suspect. It is good that when you have your discussions about affections and such that she tries to improve. Even if it is for just a couple of weeks that is a good sign. The next time she tries and fails immediately bring it up work with her to show her what you want. If you just let it go until the next argument the cycle will continue. There is not enough information to make a guess at the other man but there could be any number of explanations. Since you have stopped acting as her husband for several years in not wearing your ring, telling her you love her,… you have disconnected also. If you don’t feel you can stay in the marriage seek an attorney to get a feeling for what your exit strategy might need to include. Many attorneys will grant an initial visit at no charge so they can explain the divorce process. But if you feel you want to stay in the marriage the two of you need to improve your communications. It is broken badly.


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## dyzd_ncnfzd (Jul 28, 2008)

Thank you so much for the input! I definitely feel and can see that my wife is disconnected, and it’s because of this I am also disconnected in certain ways too. This has all become a domino effect. Knowing that my wife is this way really bothers me the most; to the point where I feel very uncomfortable being around her. When she is this way with me, it tends to bring out certain insecurities in me, which is probably why I feel that she is probably cheating on me and why I constantly check her cell phone and our cell phone bill usage summary.

I tend to expect her to act a certain way when things are bad and we are arguing, and when she doesn’t respond in that way or in a way that I think would be fitting of the situation it makes me feel and think that she does not love me as much as she says she does. Take our current situation for example; right now things are very bad, I have been sleeping in my son’s room for a couple of days now. She has said that she wants to make things right, that she does love me and does not want to lose me but yet she makes no effort to make things right. She doesn’t ask me to stop sleeping in my son’s room and doesn’t try to talk to me in effort to change things. I find myself unable to sleep at night and she sleeps without a worry. It’s this kind of thing that really gets to me deep inside.

As for her not knowing the name of my company or my work number, she tends to make up excuses; excuses like “you have only been there for three months and it’s going to take time to remember,” “I had your number written down but I forgot to memorize it” – things like that. She also does this even when I point out her lack of affection to the kids or me – there is always an excuse or reason behind it.

You're totally right in that the there is a break down in the communication process from the both of us. When I see that she acts a certain way towards me I tend to respond somewhat the same way – a sort of tit for tat. As for our discussions about her affection or lack thereof, they’re more like me doing all the talking while she stares at the wall; usually without much response from her. As you have suggested, I have tried sitting down with her to point out some of the things I expect out of her in terms what I would like to see her do in certain situation but ultimately I also tell her that I shouldn’t have to point out to her how to respond or expect for her to respond but that it should be of her free will and that it should be a natural process. She will usually try to work on this but it's very short lived. If she is upset I do my best to console her, but on the other hand, if it’s me that is upset she sits and watches tv.

I have been a fool for staying in this relationship too long. I will review all my options and will definitely consider getting a lawyer as you have suggested. Thanks for your help and advice.


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