# Parental Alienation Syndrome



## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi everyone

I am heading for divorce July 2013, have been separated for 7 months. My wife has our baby. He is 8 months old. She lives in another state. We have a parenting plan in place, I can see him whenever I can do it logistically. Currrently I see him on Skype most weekends and every month when I/she can (they are 300+ miles away, remote town, long drive). 

So anyway, I have been reading up on Parental Alienation Syndrome. I have been noticing things which I did not notice before. Am I starting to see early signs of PAS with the following behaviour:

On Skype, she never refers to me as 'Daddy', as in 'that's your daddy'. I saw this to him on Skype, and I can tell that it makes her angry. I already know that she never refers to me as his daddy at other times.

When I do see him, she has to have a couple of minutes with him before she gives him to me so he 'doesn't freak out'.

She seems to have her own secret language with him that she only tells me limited information about

She won't let me feed him his bottle in case he 'freaks out' (visit)

She won't let me put him down for a sleep in case he 'freaks out' (visit)

I ask how his health is and she goes quite vague (Skype)

She seems to revel in the fact that I can't make him laugh over Skype - I can feel it

He is a healthy baby and has no disabilties or issues.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Babies that age up to about 2 years old cling to their primary care giver. Much of what you talk about sounds like him just acting like a normal clingy baby.

Why does she live that far away from you? It's wrong for her to take the baby away from you unless there are extenuating circumstances. 

You do need to start doing things with him when she is not there so that you can build a relationship with him.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

She lives with her parents. She doesn't seem to be able to take care of him without her mum's help. She goes whereever they go, and her mum goes wherever she goes with our baby. This I know.

The laws here state that she can take him wherever she likes. There are no extenuating circumstances. 

She doesn't like to leave him alone with me in case he 'freaks out'.

She left him alone with me once, a few months ago. He started to cry, and I had to call her. Then, he was about 4 months old.

The look of glee on her face when she walked through that door knowing that I didn't know what to do broke my heart.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He'll get over it at some point. Then he will be daddy's boy. children go through phases where they are attached to one parent or the other.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks EleGirl. I hope so.

So you don't think she is showing signs of PAS?

It's like she has turned into a woman with a heart of stone, ice cold and has been taken over by someone who I don't even know, or like. It's really scary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Forever Sad said:


> Thanks EleGirl. I hope so.
> 
> So you don't think she is showing signs of PAS?
> 
> It's like she has turned into a woman with a heart of stone, ice cold and has been taken over by someone who I don't even know, or like. It's really scary.


It does sound to me like she is acting like he is her baby and she's the 'boss of him'. She is not respect you as the father.

But Parent Alienation is a much stronger, more incidious thing. Do keep an eye out for it as she is leaning in that direction.

You need to start doing things with your son without her. When you go visit, take your son out with you. 

Where do you stay when you go visit? Hotel? Her mother's?

Start out small. Tell her that you will feed him his bottle, put him in his crib, etc. You are his father and thus you need to do these things.


Take him to a mark for an hour or so. Or on a walk. As time goes on increase the length of the visit until you have him over night. At some point you should be able to take him to your place for multi day visits.

if he cries on these short visits, pick him up, hold him so that his head is on your should and walk with him. Talk to him quietly. Even sing a song. Anything to get him used to you and to give him affection. He will respond.

Teh nice thing about having him to yourself is that you can have periods where she is not influencing him.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear that you're away from your son. I couldn't imagine not being able to be close to my kids. As for your ex and the baby, the not saying dad thing sounds a little off but I don't know if I'd call it PAS. I don't know the details of what happened between you and your wife. 



> On Skype, she never refers to me as 'Daddy', as in 'that's your daddy'. I saw this to him on Skype, and I can tell that it makes her angry. I already know that she never refers to me as his daddy at other times.


I do refer to my ex as "daddy" but it pains me to do it. He sees our 4 month old twice a week for fifteen minutes or a half hour at a time (he could see him every day and for hours at a time but chooses not to). So when he's here it hurts my gut to call him daddy but I hide that well and still do it because it's not about me.

Still, if I was her, I'd say "daddy" and also have pictures near the crib or elsewhere that the baby could look at like I do for my ex. Have you asked her if she's doing this purposely or just assuming it?



> When I do see him, she has to have a couple of minutes with him before she gives him to me so he 'doesn't freak out'.


This sounds normal to me given the circumstances. My baby is very attached to me. I'm always here and dad is not. When his dad comes over, if I hand him over right away, he cries so he talks to him for two-five minutes when he's in my arms and then holds him. My ex can only hold our son for about ten minutes at a time though because he's very clingy to me since dad doesn't spend enough time with him and cries if held by dad longer than that. 

Separation anxiety away from primary caregivers at that age is also normal. This is the age when they first begin to realize that they are a separate entity from their mom/dad and that mom/dad can go away and they haven't yet grasped that mom/dad can and will come back. So this makes young babies nervous about being with strangers and cry when mom or dad leaves the room. When our oldest son was eight months, he went through separation anxiety for either of us (he was content with mom or dad but cried for anyone else). I'm sorry that your baby has separation anxiety with you, that must hurt a lot. All you can do is keep trying to see him as much as possible and interact with him. He will age out of it.



> She won't let me feed him his bottle in case he 'freaks out' (visit)
> 
> She won't let me put him down for a sleep in case he 'freaks out' (visit)


There is a good chance of him freaking out but I think she should still try to let you do those things. I'd be thrilled if my ex stepped up but he usually gives up when our youngest first starts crying and hands him back to me. 

I would be more insistent about getting to try these things, if he cries you can always hand him back if he's inconsolable and try again another day. 



> She seems to have her own secret language with him that she only tells me limited information about


I don't think this is a sign of PAS. It's hard to explain your "baby language" to someone else. Since she's with him every day, she knows what all of his sounds mean and he probably has a good idea of hers. This is something you'll have to develop on your own as you get more face-time with him.


> She seems to revel in the fact that I can't make him laugh over Skype - I can feel it


Are you sure she revels in it or are you projecting here? In any case, there's not much you can do about that. I'd suggest smiling a lot more and making exaggerated facial expressions and voices. I'm sure you do already but talking in a higher pitch (as if you're praising a dog) helps kids smile too. Peekaboo can be done via Skype as well... 



> I ask how his health is and she goes quite vague (Skype)


This is vague in itself. You say she's vague but what kinds of things are you asking her? You say he's healthy and has no disabilities so there shouldn't be too much to talk about in terms of health on a day-to-day basis. For instance, I have no idea how much my son weighs right now since he's gained since the last check-up and don't count diapers neurotically like I did when my first child was born (I just know he wets/soils enough and is growing like a weed). Do you read up on baby development? If not, I'd suggest doing so. BabyCenter | Homepage - Pregnancy, Baby, Toddler, Kids is a good site to read on as it gives you little tidbits of milestones/development week-by-week. While your ex might be vague (or not depending on circumstances), it might give you a better idea and also better questions to ask about. 

Finally, I agree with Ele. It doesn't sound like PAS to me but it doesn't hurt to keep your eyes peeled just in case. In summary, get more insistent on being able to do things when you do get to visit. You have a right as the dad to act like a dad and give your own baby a bottle or rock him to sleep. She should be more accommodating. Inevitably, whether your baby accepts being rocked or fed by you is up to him but she should cooperate and at least let you try. I can understand why she feels more possessive of the baby since she's a mom and also is with him full-time but that shouldn't supersede your right and the baby's need to bond with you as a father.


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