# Newlywed with in-law issues



## Aqua15 (Mar 30, 2013)

Hi I'm new to the forum and I am in need of help. I have been married for 4 months and I feel like my in-laws are going to destroy our marriage. I will try to make a long story short.

My husband and I have been together off and in for 5 years. We recently got married in city hall and none of his family attended the ceremony. I was bothered by it at first but i decided to let it go. They are all polite to me when I'm around but I never feel comfortable when I attend functions with him. My husband's father died a little over a year ago and since then he takes his mother to work every day, she calls almost every day because she needs something and will even show up unannounced if he doesn't answer the phone. My husband and I have had plenty of arguments about this but he makes me feel guilty for feeling this way by saying "his mother is all he has left since his dad died". 

I know he's still hurting from his dads death because they were really close but i really feel like his mom oversteps her boundaries. She has cursed my husband out for not doing things she needs and he doesn't say anything. It makes me respect him less and less. I just don't know what else to do or say about the situation. I'm not sure if this is just temporary because of his father's death or if this is permanent. When his dad was alive his mom did call him to do odd things for her but it was never as intrusive as it is now. I do know if things continue this way our marriage won't last.

There are also issues with his sister who doesn't work and always needing money and his brother who pops up unannounced.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to have a serious sit down with him. My first thought is that he gets validation from helping others. It makes him feel good. I am this way too but I have learned to have boundaries. There is a limit and his family is encroaching on your relationship.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm surprised to hear you saying so much about the mom and so little about sis and bro! I can't tell from what you've written who is being unreasonable, though. 

What I can say is that your "losing respect" for a man who apparently cares enough to invest himself in his relationships with the people he cares about is sad to me. I think your understanding and maybe even volunteering to help her yourself and build YOUR relationship with her would be something your husband could deeply appreciate and feel loved by, instead of feeling hurt because he can't please both of the women who matter most in his life.


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## Aqua15 (Mar 30, 2013)

Thank you both for your responses.

@Happysnappy Yes i plan to have a serious talk with him about it but I want to make sure it's productive and not sure how to approach him without him being defensive.

@KathyBetsel "losing respect" is not because he does things for his mom, it's when she yells and curses at him like he's a child. Of course I admire him for loving and taking care of his mother but I think there should be boundaries and a certain level of respect for an adult child. I focused my post more so on his mother because her actions are the most intrusive.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

What happens when she yells at him? Do you step in?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many times a week does his mother show up unannounced?

How often does she yess and curse him for not doing something?

Your husband has siblings? Do they help their mother also?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Why didn't your H's side of the family attend the ceremony?

We also had an intrusive MIL. As you're both still in the honeymoon period of your marriage it's possible (delicately) to let the MIL that you husband can be occupied with activities that he won't necessarily drop to come to her aid. This will also work over the phone if your husband is a little terse and uses a phrase like - I'm a bit busy right now/I'm in the middle of something, I'll call you back. This should also help with the privacy issue with your BIL. In this day their's no excuse not to let you know beforehand before calling round.

I'm sorry this is putting strain on your marriage, but it should be stronger than that. You put your husband in a difficult position if you're asking him to choose between his wife and his mother. Don't put him in that situation. YOU can change the dynamic. Why not offer to help with some of these things yourself? It'll either improve your relationship with your MIL and/or get her to ask for help on only important tasks/errands.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

In-laws can suck. I have an intrusive mother in law who i'll never be good enough for. Plus, even though my husband is the youngest of 8 boys his mom expects him to help any/all of them when we need money. We don't have it to give! Put your foot down now. You need boundaries. Sounds like your mother in law is trying to win his "loyalty" over you. Mine does that too.


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