# Im so torn...So I trust again?



## Jessica (Jul 31, 2008)

Im new to all this and I never ever imagined I would ever need advice on my relationship. But here it goes. I have been in a relationship for 3 years and been friends for 2 years before that with my boyfriend. It has always been a long distance relationship but I believed we could make it. At first we were only an hour away but then a year ago he decided to mave back to his hometown because he was in a rut so its now 5 hours apart. I have been working on getting closer to him and we had plans to move to another state next month together. 

Anyway everything between us has always been great. We were good friends before we ever dated and we never have ever really fought, just the distance would get to us. I wanted to marry this guy and I had given him all of my heart and I trusted him completely. He said he would never hurt me.

So completely blindsiding me, I have recently found out that he has been cheating on me for the last 2 weeks... according to him...maybe longer. We usually try to see each other at least 3 weekends a month and he has been weird and not answering my calls or calling me then not coming to see me the last 2 weeks. I had suspicions that maybe it was cheating but never in a million years would I have imagined thats what he was doing.

I drove up there a few days ago to talk and work everything out and had to find out on my own. He received a few texts from her and I was positive then what was going on. I was crushed... he broke his phone so I couldnt read anything else. He started by saying it was just a kiss..then she tried and he stopped..then ok we had sex once...then finally its been going on for 2 weeks. Supposely only at the bar. He would see her there blah blah blah. But I dont know if he is still fully telling me the truth. And in person he seems so hurt and will do anything but once I left when I talked to him on the phone he is hesitant and doesnt know what he wants to do but its completely over with her and he loves me and wants to be with me. He just cant bring himself to move with me (its for school) and isnt really trying to get me back.

Its killing me that he instantly goes from us being great to him cheating on me. I want so much to be with him but I dont know how to get over this. I dont know if I can ever touch him the same way again. 

And to top it off he found his mom cheating 4 months earlier and said he knows how he felt then and would never do that to me.

I need advice Im in so much pain its almost unbearable. Its so hard knowing someone that claims they care so much about you can hurt you sooo bad. What should I do now?


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi Jessica,

It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants exactally.

If I were you as hard as it is I would not be emotional and appear weak. Try to build yourself up in whatever way you can. It sounds to me like you have good leverage as he cares about you, but DO NOT push him towards her by crying and whining as it is not sexy! (I have made that mistake myself, believe me) 
And men sometimes interpret a crying female as weak and unattractive.

Think of yourself as the wonderful, special woman you are, and do whatever you can to build yourself up as hard as it is..(call friends for support, work out, get your hair done and focus on YOU, and not HIM)

Let him know you care about him and the relationship as well and be open to him. (be honest...just don't be whimpy..be strong) He will come running back hopefully. 

I know it is hard and you care about him...I am giving you this advice and going to do it myself! (the build myself up part) 

Good luck!!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Jessica,

I found some of this helpful and you might too:

Have The Relationship You Want Product Catalog - with Rori Raye!

I am not sure you should buy all of her stuff, but she has some good advice on dealing with the opposite sex...


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

he sounds confused. give it some time and space. i know you are hurting now. but trust me (i'm a married woman with small children), i would rather find out now as a young (assuming), unmarried couple than to find out years later when much more than hurt feelings are at stake. i'm not saying that to be harsh, but saying that it might be a blessing in disguise to find now, before you moved in together and start depending on each other financially, get married, etc...move forward with your plans for school, pray about it, be open about your feelings, and more than anything give it time to heal. you may discover that you can't trust him and move on with your life. whatever you do, don't force him or guilt trip him into moving with you, give him the space and freedom to be honest about his feelings. i hope everything works out for you.


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## Jessica (Jul 31, 2008)

Thanks for the advice guys but I think it is over for us. We are young both 23 and he says he doesnt want to be with anyone right now. It turns out he has been cheating for a month and he never told the truth about any of this I had to find out from her. It just hurts so bad to think of all the things he said to me and he couldnt possibly been telling me the truth. It did seem like we had something not alot of people have. Ive been in relationships before I saw that. Still somehow in my messed up head I want to be with him. I know that just sounds bizarre but I dont think I will ever feel like this towards someone else. I think it hurts so bad too because hes just brushing it off doesnt even have any remorse it seems. I dont know what to do now...I know I should move on focus on myself and everything but I cant right now. The only thing that eases the anxiety (which is extreme) is talking to him. Please help I dont even feel like my family or friends care. They brush it off to like its nothing. Im just not as strong of a person as I thought I was. Any Advice?


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hey Jessica,

I am sure this is so painful for you, but you can find a new life without him. It sounds like you need much more support as we women do. We are all here for you. It sounds to me like you will be much better off without him, and you are so young, so you have your whole life ahead of you. 

Maybe think about things you could do to better your life and make you feel better about YOU.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Jessica,

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. I understand your confusion in knowing how he has broken your trust and hurt you so terribly but at the same time can't imaging moving on right now. What you are probably struggling with is the shock at how things turned so quickly and the fact that you can't just 'turn off' your feelings for him. Much of that might be based on your idea of your future, with him in it, and now you are left to pick up the pieces and move on even if that isn't what you want, but if he doesn't want to be in the relationship that's all you can do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to do things for yourself. Get out with friends, spoil yourself a little and try to keep your mind occupied with other things. It will take time for the pain to ease, so give yourself that time. When you are ready to date again, you will most likely find that he wasn't the only out there for you and you will probably find someone that is even a better fit (it happened to me and I never thought I'd be happy about that break up) It helped me to separate all the good in the past with what was happening now, but when I was able to do that I was able to see that although I was still in love with the man I thought I knew, he was not the best thing for me going forward based on what I knew now. Hang in there--it will get better.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

TRUST ME: You ARE strong! It never seems that way when the pain is fresh, but day by day it will get better and you will get stronger. All things heal in time. My borrowed motto/mantra to dealing with difficult happenings is: "...and this too shall pass" the hurt feelings will slowly go away and you will come out of this even stronger than you were when you were with him. Good luck to you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

swedish said:


> Hi Jessica,
> 
> I'm sorry to hear you are hurting. I understand your confusion in knowing how he has broken your trust and hurt you so terribly but at the same time can't imaging moving on right now. What you are probably struggling with is the shock at how things turned so quickly and the fact that you can't just 'turn off' your feelings for him. Much of that might be based on your idea of your future, with him in it, and now you are left to pick up the pieces and move on even if that isn't what you want, but if he doesn't want to be in the relationship that's all you can do. The best thing you can do for yourself is to do things for yourself. Get out with friends, spoil yourself a little and try to keep your mind occupied with other things. It will take time for the pain to ease, so give yourself that time. When you are ready to date again, you will most likely find that he wasn't the only out there for you and you will probably find someone that is even a better fit (it happened to me and I never thought I'd be happy about that break up) It helped me to separate all the good in the past with what was happening now, but when I was able to do that I was able to see that although I was still in love with the man I thought I knew, he was not the best thing for me going forward based on what I knew now. Hang in there--it will get better.


:iagree:

draconis


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## happless (Jul 17, 2008)

It will get easier. I really believe that you going your separate ways is the right thing to do. You are young and have SOOOO much ahead of you. I know it's easy to think that you'll never be as happy again but you will. It'll just take time. Guessing exactly how long is tough to say. You probably feel like you are in a dark place right now but focus on the rays of sunshine that are coming through the clouds. Gradually those clouds will break and you will have complete sunshine. Keep your chin up!


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