# TAKING THE REIGNS! Acceptance...



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Posted this as a reply to a thread I started in the reconciliation section, but thought it was better suited for here.

I think I've moved on to the "acceptance" phase. Really, all that matters is that he does not love me and never loved me. This may or may not be true, but this is how he feels in the here and now. That is ALL THAT MATTERS. I cannot change how he feels, nothing I do can change his mind at this moment. The here and now. So, the only thing left to do? MOVE ON. TAKE THE REIGNS OF MY OWN LIFE and move the F on. Holding on to that something, that "love", that was only really ever there for one of us only hurts emotionally and delays the healing process. 

This past weekend, taking my kids on a camping trip (4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 1) by myself, setting up the tent, exploring, gathering wood, going on hikes (with my 1 year old in a backpack carrier), AND making fire all by myself (I was never the fire keeper) WITHOUT CHEATING no less gave me such a boost of confidence. I CAN DO THIS! With or without him. I can take control of my own life. I can make new memories for myself and my kids. My good days are lasting longer, my sad days are not as breathtaking/life consuming. 

As of now, I am a 34 year old single mom, 3 kids, career, nice little home with a big yard, awesome minivan (I think I threw up a little in my mouth as I typed that), great support from family and friends, really feeling good (with occasional low points). I've got it pretty good. Other's have survived this (50% divorce rate, right?), I can, too. Considering how much worse others have it, I'm doing okay! 

I CAN F*ING DO THIS! 

AND IF I CAN F*ING DO THIS, YOU CAN, TOO!

DISCLAIMER: That being said, I am STILL NOT OK WITH DIVORCE, but when you really don't have a say...


----------



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

This is such a refreshing post! ...and I sooooo identify with this. I recently had a similar epiphany. It is amazingly liberating. 

We CAN do this. ....and we will be awesome at it too!


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Work that minivan, Girl!


----------



## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Good for you! 

I think I am slowly coming out of the "in shock" phase. It's still hard to believe, but I am forcing myself to accept what is happening. I have suffered through the grief of losing my mother and my brother, and to be honest this is just as bad, maybe even worse. 

Thank you for the uplifting post.


----------



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I wish I can finally get to that point. I'm still so stuck. I know he's not coming back, don't know that I could take him back if he did (too much time has passed). I just can't seem to let go and move on. I've never been a social person, so getting out there to meet new people is super difficult for me. Don't really have the desire to either. Looking forward to an out of town event with the kids in June, but that's about it for now.

Sounds like you're making good progress, Wild. Keep on keepin' on!


----------



## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

wild that was an awesome post!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

jpr said:


> This is such a refreshing post! ...and I sooooo identify with this. I recently had a similar epiphany. It is amazingly liberating.
> 
> We CAN do this. ....and we will be awesome at it too!


It's a GREAT feeling! Isn't it??? For the first time, the light clicked on, REALLY clicked on, that I AM IN CONTROL OF MY OWN LIFE, MY OWN FEELINGS! OMG, What an amazing AMAZING feeling. I know it may not last, but it feels good in the HERE AND NOW. And I know that if I have a sad day, I really have this to look back on and REALLY KNOW that everything is going to be okay. That I can REALLY do this! It'll be enough to bring me back up to a high point. And it'll keep my low points nice and short!


----------



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

@Wild,
I'm so happy for you. I'm four months into the process, and I'm still trying to get to that epiphany, there are days I think I'm getting closer.


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> @Wild,
> I'm so happy for you. I'm four months into the process, and I'm still trying to get to that epiphany, there are days I think I'm getting closer.


My STBXH left October 29 for a week, came back for a week, then left for good thereafter. It's been almost 6 months. I guarantee that I'll have my lows, but I feel like since I reached this point, the lows will be so much better. 

Weird though, I've been having dreams of him asking for reconciliation and not waking up sad or excited, just indifferent. Maybe it's my mind's way of letting me know I'm okay right now.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So awesome.

You are so brave. Camping with 3 little ones??  You are my hero.

You can totally do this.


----------



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> This past weekend, taking my kids on a camping trip (4 1/2, 2 1/2, and 1) by myself, setting up the tent, exploring, gathering wood, going on hikes (with my 1 year old in a backpack carrier), AND making fire all by myself (I was never the fire keeper) WITHOUT CHEATING no less gave me such a boost of confidence. I CAN DO THIS! With or without him. I can take control of my own life. I can make new memories for myself and my kids. *My good days are lasting longer, my sad days are not as breathtaking/life consuming. *
> 
> As of now, I am a 34 year old single mom, 3 kids, career, nice little home with a big yard, awesome minivan (I think I threw up a little in my mouth as I typed that), great support from family and friends, really feeling good (with occasional low points). I've got it pretty good. Other's have survived this (50% divorce rate, right?), I can, too. Considering how much worse others have it, I'm doing okay!
> 
> ...


You sound great!!
I say this (bolded stuff) all the time to myself esp on the wkds as I do major purging of my life and anything new.

Congrats on the camping w/ them! 
My younger kids have requested that I date men who like to camp, hunt, and fish. LOL


----------



## imgonnabejustfine (Mar 8, 2012)

wildflower3, I love your MOXY!


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

justabovewater said:


> I wish I can finally get to that point. I'm still so stuck. I know he's not coming back, don't know that I could take him back if he did (too much time has passed). I just can't seem to let go and move on. I've never been a social person, so getting out there to meet new people is super difficult for me. Don't really have the desire to either. Looking forward to an out of town event with the kids in June, but that's about it for now.
> 
> Sounds like you're making good progress, Wild. Keep on keepin' on!


I definitely had to FORCE myself out of the house, no matter how I felt. But when I actually got out, I felt so much better. Plan things ahead of time, a week or two, and it gives you something to look forward to. Baby steps. Like I said, I may feel low tomorrow, but I know that I'll come out of it. I've got plans this weekend, golf lessons over the next several saturdays, visiting my brother at the end of the month. April is jam packed and I'm looking forward to it. Every time I feel down, I just remember, wait, I've got this or that going on soon... Gets my mind off of the crappy stuff.

I promise, you'll get there.


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

@That_Girl,
I was TERRIFIED, but excited. It was awesome and what a rush that I could do it!

@Mama,
Though I'm nowhere close to dating, I have thought about the type of person I'd date when I'm ready...
Hunter/Camper/Hiker/OffRoadJeeper
Maybe in law enforcement/FBI/CIA/NSA...you know, one with a clean background check! One that can serve and protect us. HAHA! Got my kids to think about! Not that all those people in that field are "clean"...


----------



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

For me, this epiphany took a little bit of work. For Lent, I gave up thinking pining for what "could have been", for what "should have been", and for what "I deserved". Every time my mind would wander to these thoughts, I would hold up a mental stop sign in my head and just stop myself. ...try to think of something else and try to say a pray for somebody else. My situation was making me very angry with God, and causing me to lose my faith. So, I thought this would help bring me closer to a place that God wants me to me--a place where I can be fullfilled and loving and happy...a place where I can be a positive force in this world again, and a good, positive, and happy mom again.

It was really,really hard....and I didn't always do a good job at it. ...and I almost gave up and gave into the temptation to start feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my own depression. But, I told myself that I was just going to do this for 6 weeks...if after 6 weeks I was still struggling, then I could resort back to being a "sad sack" again.

But,this really, really helped me. It helped me to "re-train" my way of thinking again. I feel like I worked through all of my sadness, anger, and hurt before lent. I was tried of feeling miserable,resentful, depressed,bitter. I let myself feel these feelings prior to lent, and I think those feelings were not doing be any good anymore. I needed to move on.

I am really feeling good right now. I do have a few sad moments....but,I feel like I view the world with so much more clarity now. It is not all about me, and what I am feeling. Yes, I have sad times...but,I acknowledge when I am having a sad moment or a sad day, and I try to move on and do something productive or for someone else. I used to have to force myself to do this--but, now, I just do it. 

I am so happy to hear that you are taking charge of your life too, Wildflower! That mini-van comment cracks me up!

you sound awesome and fearless!


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

@jenny123,
I am so sorry to hear about your losses! It must be rough for sure to not only grieve the losses of your family members, but to have to grieve the loss of your marriage at the same time must multiply the pain! I wish you the best and I am happy that my post uplifted you!

@jpr,
Thanks for your story. Short term goals are the way to beat this. Looking too far ahead scares me because I feel like I'll set myself up for disappointment. So, all that matters is here and now and the immediate future. Day by day, hour by hour, minute my minute. That's all we have control over. And thanks for the compliments! Right now, I feel like I'm kicking @$$ and takin' names!


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Had my first golf lesson yesterday! It was supposed to be a beginner group lesson, but due to miscommunication, the lessons were cancelled. However, another PGA instructor just happened to be there early for a private lesson later that morning and didn't want his company losing business and wanted to keep me a happy customer. Soooo, he gave me a PRIVATE lesson complete with video analysis! He's going to complete the rest of my package at the price I paid!! Seems things are goings way! I'm paying a a third his private lesson fee and getting one on one treatment!!

Last night, I spent the night in the city and had a wonderful tapas dinner and LOTS of wine with a close friend.

Today, I spent the early afternoon at the driving range practicing before my next lesson.

Miss my kids as STBXH has them, but I kept busy and tried my best to keep my mind off the crappy stuff. I think I "done good"!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fraid4kat (Feb 2, 2012)

YOU GO Girl...... your post is just what I needed to read today....this makes me feel so good as I was feeling slightly foolish for feeling proud of myself for grilling for the first time by myself. He was commander and chief of the grill ( and so many other things) so while the steps are indeed small ( well camping with 3 little ones is not a small step), nonetheless it is so empowering to decide that things can and will be accomplished by oneself.


----------



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

fraid4kat said:


> YOU GO Girl...... your post is just what I needed to read today....this makes me feel so good as I was feeling slightly foolish for feeling proud of myself for grilling for the first time by myself. He was commander and chief of the grill ( and so many other things) so while the steps are indeed small ( well camping with 3 little ones is not a small step), nonetheless it is so empowering to decide that things can and will be accomplished by oneself.


Manning the grill is no small feat! That's one I have not mastered! It's pretty intimidating! Even more so than camping with the little ones. I've never been good at cooking steaks. Always overdone! That'll be next on my D-bucket list.


----------

