# what do you expect from your wife on your stressed-out days?



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

We have been married for sometime and he happens to be a moody person (not clinically depressed or bipolar), just has mood swings on a daily basis. His behavior rubs off on me and puts me in a bad mood too & then both of us are stressed. This question is not about our marriage or love or committment, it's simply that he is very moody and has a lot of stress at work and he has alot to worry about & unfortunately can't shake his mood swings where he can be happy more often. He was not like this when we were dating. He has felt like this of late, say a few weeks. This question is simply what do I do to make things better & show my support with my spouse who is moody on a regular basis? As soon as he gets home I want his attention and he is unable to give it to me. He takes almost an hour to unwind. And it irks me that we both cannot even exchange conversation in that 1 hour. 

He has refused to see a therapist, and I go to one currently. He says that he can feel my hatred towards him and he does not know what more he has to work upon to make me feel fine. also, he says I need to accpet his moods and also his stress as part of him and not expect him to snap out of it. is this true?

I don't know what to do or expect and this stress has started hitting hard on me. I started feeling sick over the last few days and had to visit the doctor with nausea and cheat pain. Fianlly. he recommended some beta-blockers for 2 weeks and I feel better.

anything that I can do here? I want to save this marriage and I do think that I still ove him, although he denies the fact and says I am lying.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

When I'm moody, I find blow jobs help.

This is not meant to be flip.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> When I'm moody, I find blow jobs help.
> 
> This is not meant to be flip.



Wow. So let's reward the guy for bad behavior. He is telling her that she needs to take his moodiness and deal with it. Refuses counseling and puts the blame for his inability to communicate on her. 

OP, either you husband agrees to a stress management program or counseling or you need to rethink things for yourself. It sounds to me like he is taking no responsibility for finding solutions, just pulling you down with him.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What are the reasons he gives for feeling that you hate him?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> He says that he can feel my hatred towards him and he does not know what more he has to work upon to make me feel fine. .


He does not feel loved by you.
You do not feel loved by him.
This is a serious issue and is not a therapy issue.

My view, similar to Conrad's is that one party in your marriage needs to take actions to make the other feel loved. This opens many doors. When the other party is feeling loved, that is when they are more open to changes and meeting the needs of the other.

I disagree with the mexican standoff advice, as this is not going to move the marriage forward in any way.

Ideally we can all hope that "the other person" fixes themself, but in actuality, we will be more successful in changing ourselves.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think setting the expectation is a big thing. My mom was a lot like your husband sounds. It wasn't so much that she was moody though, it was just that she needed time to switch from "boss" mode to "mom" mode. 

What she did was make a ritual that just became the rule at her house. It applied to everyone--kids, husbands...I swear even the dogs knew it! Every night she came home from work, changed clothes, poured one glass of wine and did whatever she was going to do--sort mail, watch news, read a magazine....whatever. Her decompression time was that glass of wine. When that glass of wine was gone, then she was "open for business" and ready to be in family mode. 

It ended up being a great way to do it, just because we all knew more or less when she'd be ready to talk about her day, our day, make dinner, deal with whatever drama teenage girls could come up with, etc. and she still got her time. 

So maybe if you guys set the limits so that you understand that he's switching gears so that you don't have to deal with as much of a bear, and he knows he has whatever amount of time to do it, then it's not so stressful? Sure it's annoying sometimes, but for us waiting always paid off since it beat the heck out of getting our heads snapped off or being ignored completely....


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> When I'm moody, I find blow jobs help.
> 
> This is not meant to be flip.


This only works on a normal, healthy man who is stressed occasionally. This man's stress is chronic. 

He's moody, withdraws for an hour every single day, refuses to find other avenues to reduce stress, and further states she should just "accept" his bad mood. If she followed your advice she'd just be rewarding his bad behavior. 

Besides that it won't work. I know this because my best friend has a moody husband. At my suggestion she tried giving lots of sex and bj's. Guess what? A year later and he's still moody. Didn't accomplish a thing. Their court date is Aug 9th. Yes she just served him with divorce papers. She's done because he refuses to change and his mood was making her ill too.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> This only works on a normal, healthy man who is stressed occasionally. This man's stress is chronic.
> 
> He's moody, withdraws for an hour every single day, refuses to find other avenues to reduce stress, and further states she should just "accept" his bad mood. If she followed your advice she'd just be rewarding his bad behavior.
> 
> Besides that it won't work. I know this because my best friend has a moody husband. At my suggestion she tried giving lots of sex and bj's. Guess what? A year later and he's still moody. Didn't accomplish a thing. Their court date is Aug 9th. Yes she just served him with divorce papers. She's done because he refuses to change and his mood was making her ill too.


Exactly. Let's reward him for acting like a pouting man child. Presentation at work and stressed for the evening? That's one thing. Coming home night after night and acting like a jerk blaming his wife for his bad behavior = [email protected]?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> This only works on a normal, healthy man who is stressed occasionally. This man's stress is chronic.


Don't reckon a "few weeks" is chronic, do you?


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Smothering someone who needs a little space doesn't help either, and could essentially add to the stress. Women feel the need to talk and vent and lay it out on the table. The same cannot be expected for men. When they are stressed, they retreat and withdraw, and it is nothing personal, but they deal with things like that within their own mind. Giving an ultimatum of stress management will probably stress things even more. I don't have a great relationship to base any advice off of, but if I were you, I would just give him the space he needs. Go grocery shopping, go walking, go do something.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Blow jobs are rewards? lolll I quite like giving them and LOVE my husband's reaction when he gets one...I don't use sex as a reward. Odd.

The original post makes me sad though  I don't have much advice...I hope it can be resolved though.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Thank You! 

therealbright, he is not agreeing to any counselling,atleast as of now. He says he will not do anything more to make things work because he feels my expectations are too much. I love him and I feel for him, still. But,unable to take his 'accusations'

AFEH,
He says I expect too much from him. He does not like the fact that I want him to be cheerful. When he gets home, on some days he is in a really crazy mood and then I just try to get him to hug me or just watch a movie together so that he will get relaxed(sex is a big turn off until his mood gets'ok'). He refuses to come out of his mood while I feel that 'good mood and happiness' is something that has to be worked upon.. it just does not come on to us. To this he says , he needs his time tounwind and come out of it and I am not accepting him as himself when I expect him to snap out of his feelings. Am i wrong here?

hicks,
I agree that this is serious issue. what more effort do I take? Well, I don't mind doing anything. if my actions will open up things for him then great. also may be I should learn to keep myself happy even when he is not. that might also help him?

COgypsy,

my husband says that i have too many expectations too. may be he is right. or may be not. I don't know. may be giving him some time would help? I must admit one thing here - that I expect him to get into a nice mood within a few minutes of entering the house. because i feel an evening is too short to lose in stress. but good idea from you - i should consider giving him some time exclusively for himself.

magnoliagal,
I'm not sure if he is chronic but looks like he loves to worry.

stritle,
supper is ALWAYS ready when he is home. infact, yesterday when all this happened, he says if I feel stressed caused of preparing dinner,meals etc, I should stop and he will order food. I felt so so bad. I really enjoy making meals for him and this is the last thing I wanted to hear.

anonymiss,
I think I should start going out when he comes in - grocery shopping or doing my other chores etc.

that girl, thanks for ur words here. I feel so sad too. I don't know what to correct and I don't want to lose this marriage.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I regret that we don't live in the 50's or 60's anymore when the man came home undid his tie poured himself a bourbon, sat down and no one talked to him for 30 minutes.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe he just hasn’t the attention to give when he gets home. There’s a very old saying, a man can handle problems at work or problems at home but life is very difficult for him when he has both.

So ….



luvmydarling said:


> As soon as he gets home I want his attention and he is unable to give it to me. He takes almost an hour to unwind. And it irks me that we both cannot even exchange conversation in that 1 hour.


GIVE HIM THAT HOUR TO UNWIND!!!

Some men go to the pub after work for this very reason. At least your H is going home, at the moment anyway. Probably the very best thing you can do is not be there when he gets home and get in an hour or so later. Do this for a week or two and see what happens. Just maybe he will have that attention you desire when you get in.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

One way or another, he has to find a way to deal with the stress, or it will ultimately impact his health, and even longevity. Its entirely possible, though, that he is dealing with a tremendous amount of stress and trying to shelter you from the worst of it.

If he can learn to decompress in a way that is healthy, then it is really not asking much to let him have a little time to take off the business hat, assuming that he gives you time afterwards. My wife has learned that I get about 75% there on the drive home, but she'll let me go through my routine of drinking a coffee, and a personal thing where I read a few inspiring quotes that I keep on note cards, and then I am completely de-stressed. 

I think the best thing you could do is to take an active interest in helping him find a way to de-stress that works for him, because it is likely that he is allowing this stress to make him forget his real priorities. Stress puts our work in the front of our thoughts, so by default, we'll shuffle our wife and family downward in priority. It doesn't mean that we love them less, though. 

In my case, I realized that allowing this to happen was shortchanging my wife and children. I learned that reading inspiring reminders of the importance of a man's wife and children help me put the stress in perspective, so I've turned this into a daily ritual where I read a couple of new new sections from a book by a favorite author, written on a notecard. The job we are in can be stressful, but we can learn that being stressed is a choice.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> AFEH,
> He says I expect too much from him. He does not like the fact that I want him to be cheerful. When he gets home, on some days he is in a really crazy mood and then I just try to get him to hug me or just watch a movie together so that he will get relaxed(sex is a big turn off until his mood gets'ok'). He refuses to come out of his mood while I feel that 'good mood and happiness' is something that has to be worked upon.. it just does not come on to us. To this he says , he needs his time tounwind and come out of it and I am not accepting him as himself when I expect him to snap out of his feelings. Am i wrong here?


I think you are very wrong. In that you are assuming your H is like you when he so obviously isn’t. My W used to think “Smile and everything’s ok”. But to me at times smiles just gloss over problems.

I’d say that your H has problems/worries that he cannot see resolutions for … and hence his “moods”. To my mind you’d be much better off helping him to identify the problems, what the resolutions are and working with him to resolve them.

Then watch the smiles come to his face!


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

runs like dog,
may be that will help? I could do it too although we don't live in the 60's

AFEH,
YOU ARE RIGHT! I think I found a partial reason to his stress. He does not have the energy to give anything. atleast for an hour or so.
Well, getting out of the house is a great idea. I should try that. That is a great oppurtunity for him to unwind and do whatever he wants while I am not around. He says he finds it too stressful to deal with work and then me when he gets home. I don't want to be such a pain in his life.

Halien, He definitely needs to handle his stress but the first step would be to learn to accept stress.

stritle, yes he does physical exercise every morning for about 20-30 minutes.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I think you are very wrong. In that you are assuming your H is like you when he so obviously isn’t. My W used to think “Smile and everything’s ok”. But to me at times smiles just gloss over problems.
> 
> I’d say that your H has problems/worries that he cannot see resolutions for … and hence his “moods”. To my mind you’d be much better off helping him to identify the problems, what the resolutions are and working with him to resolve them.
> 
> Then watch the smiles come to his face!


AFEH, BINGO!
I think I got what I was looking for and to the depth of the problem. To my husband too, smiling is of no use and he prefers to think for a few minutes. while I think otherwise! May be he is ,after all, right and I need to accept him and his mood? Also his mood swings might pass away in a few weeks.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

There is nothing that will drive someone who is stressed or down in the dumps more crazy than someone who is chipper and expecting them to snap out of it. Reverse the roles and think about that...
You are stating what you EXPECT of him, like it's yours to change. It is not, and If you are a stay at home wife, and you have all day to piddle and ponder different things while he is at work, you and he are going to be on different mental pages by the end of the day.(been there, done that - same situation as u) This needs careful consideration on your part. 
Dinner - have dinner ready, fix it with a smile(I love to cook and provide a nourishing meal also!!) write a decent note "Hope you had an OK day and I hope you're hungry! Dinner is in the microwave/oven/fridge whatever. I'm gonna run to the store for some *somethings you need*. Be back in a bit. Love you. "

Unless there is more to the story than what you're stating, I don't think people need counselling because they are kinda quiet for an hour after work. 



luvmydarling said:


> Thank You!
> 
> therealbright, he is not agreeing to any counselling,atleast as of now. He says he will not do anything more to make things work because he feels my expectations are too much. I love him and I feel for him, still. But,unable to take his 'accusations'
> 
> ...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> AFEH, BINGO!
> May be he is ,after all, right and I need to accept him and his mood? Also his mood swings might pass away in a few weeks.


I would also note that it is not that you need to accept his mood swings, but that you need to accept how he de-stresses (assuming it is not truly harmful to you).


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Don't reckon a "few weeks" is chronic, do you?


Probably not but I got the sense this is an ongoing problem. As someone who was moody for years I can attest to the part that chipper people who wanted me to be "happier" truly pissed me off. They prolonged my mood not helped it.

*****************

To the OP your biggest problem is that you are owning his feelings. This isn't about you really. You need to learn how to detach. AFEH recommended the book Awareness to me and it was lifechanging. Check it out.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Probably not but I got the sense this is an ongoing problem. As someone who was moody for years I can attest to the part that chipper people who wanted me to be "happier" truly pissed me off. They prolonged my mood not helped it.
> 
> *****************
> 
> To the OP your biggest problem is that you are owning his feelings. This isn't about you really. You need to learn how to detach. AFEH recommended the book Awareness to me and it was lifechanging. Check it out.


Sometimes it’s difficult not to project out own experiences onto others. I once lost $300,000 on the stock market. When I told my wife she said with a sweet smile on her face “It’s only money!” in an attempt to downplay how I was feeling about it. What people who do these things don’t know is that they are denying their partner their feelings about things and because of that they are denying the essence of who the person is. It’s like they don’t exist. Difficult to explain.

Whereas on the other hand empathy and compassion mixed with a bit of inspiration and encouragement can do wonders for a person’s “mood” and also for the pair bonding. Otherwise it’s like two ships passing in the night, one never truly knowing and understand the other. All they see is the lights on the outside, not what’s happening inside, below decks.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Luvmydarling, your H may be an introvert and they need time by themselves to recharge. Time alone in the home does them absolute wonders. Being extroverted I never needed it, at least I didn’t think so lol. But think “man cave/study/den”.

I’d certainly get that Awareness book, it’s by Anthony de Mello. It’s one of those lifetime books, excellent for any time/phase of life. Also any book by Alan and Barbara Pease who are best selling authors of male/female type books.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

I would just ask him directly what he would like you to do when he is like that . You can then discuss a timeframe that is acceptable to both. 

I do think it's too demanding of you to expect him to snap out of the stressed mood within minutes. 

When he is in a better mood, you can evetually tell him how you feel and why you feel that way . 

Between me and my bf, I am the one who withdraws when stressed out and the best thing he does is just to give me a hug and ask if I want his company. If I don't, he would just do his own thing until I come out of it.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> Thank You!
> 
> AFEH,
> He says I expect too much from him. He does not like the fact that I want him to be cheerful. When he gets home, on some days he is in a really crazy mood and then I just try to get him to hug me or just watch a movie together so that he will get relaxed(sex is a big turn off until his mood gets'ok'). He refuses to come out of his mood while I feel that 'good mood and happiness' is something that has to be worked upon.. it just does not come on to us. To this he says , he needs his time tounwind and come out of it and I am not accepting him as himself when I expect him to snap out of his feelings. Am i wrong here?
> ...


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Exactly. Let's reward him for acting like a pouting man child. Presentation at work and stressed for the evening? That's one thing. Coming home night after night and acting like a jerk blaming his wife for his bad behavior = [email protected]?


Yes and let's just with-hold any all affection too...That'll help :scratchhead:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> hicks,
> I agree that this is serious issue. what more effort do I take? Well, I don't mind doing anything. if my actions will open up things for him then great. also may be I should learn to keep myself happy even when he is not. that might also help him?


I would say the effort you should take is try things using trial and error, with the idea that you are trying to meet his needs, and do actions designed to generate happiness and good feeling inside him. Try, see, keep what works and stop doing what doesn't work. All this unwinding suggestions by other posters are good. As opposed to a thought process that says, he's not making me happy and he has to try to figure it out how to make me happy. That is important in time but is it worth investing 2-3-4 months, to see if it pays off for you? I aslso agree the picture you paint is that you pounce on him to meet your needs for emotional connectedness the moment he walks in the door. Find other ways to get that (example would be texting during the day at work).

The other big thing is this. When he walks in, and then feels pressure to meet your needs immediately, it makes him feel that he is not appreciated for all the stress he is feeling. That is why he thinks you hate him. He wants you to respect and admire his contributions considering how stressful they are. Rather, you are dismissing it by making it seem is is not good enought when he walks in the door.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> Halien, He definitely needs to handle his stress but the first step would be to learn to accept stress.
> .


I get the impression that the two of you are probably still pretty young. Its helpful to realize that stress and mood swings tend to go along with an early career, and an early marriage.

Over time, if he moves upward in his career, he'll learn that he has to cope with stress, but never accept it. He can learn to actively process it. See issues as an opportunity to improve something, or an opportunity to just forget it altogether. This will take time.

Regarding your hurt from his moodiness: Imagine that you are not a morning person. My wife isn't, but I am. When I wake at 5:00 for a workout, I'm ready to make decisions. I only sleep five hours. While working out, I plan out my goals for work that day. I sometimes even skip the workout to call in to video conferences in England for planning sessions. When I get out of the shower after a workout, and my wife is waking, I might even be ready to propose new index funds to shift her investments with her 401k during the day, but only one word makes sense in her mind: coffee. She's not ready for the attention I crave, so we put it off. Like your husband's hour of de-stressing, my wife needs an hour for multi-syllable words to flow freely from her lips. My choices are to get mad, or to pump her with caffeine. I choose the route of grinding good coffee beans, and make the choice not to be hurt. There is nothing personal in my wife's need for peace and quiet in the morning. I think that if you take away the personal hurt from your husband's stress, it will become an area that he can discuss with you.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

anonymiss,
I actually wanted him to snap out of bad moods just so that he feels better. Well, I learnt one thing for sure at TAM: men prefer their pwn time to come out of stress rather than we women twelling them to come out of it.

tall average guy,
you mean i need to give him his time to de stress even if it mean an hour?

magnoliagal,
I'm happy that I'm able to see some direction now!I was clueless on how to proceed before I posted here. I shall check out the book mentioned.

AFEH,
I feel the same thing many times about we being 2 ships and unable to take our ships in the same direction. and yes he is an intorvert. I now realize how important his cave time is LOL.

roamingmind, 
you gave me a good tip. I"ll also ask my husband what it is that bothers him and if at all he wants to talk to me. if not, i"ll justleAVE and do my own things.

cogypsy,
I'm a full time graduate student and that itself is a big stress for me LOL. He had also applied to a master's program a few weeks ago and even go accepted. But since it was in a different country, I told him to hang on till I finish my degree. This somewhere has 'caught' him and after this developement all the mood swings set in. Well, i get it now - I think he is trying to fix my issues. may be i could join a gym class at the time he comes in, so that he is left alone for a few minutes before i turn up.

Hicks,
Well i don't really pounce on him when he enters. but i expect him to talk to me and sit with his sad face almost 4 days a week! may be i could just shut my mouth and be less demanding over the next few days and see if that works.

Halien,
we got married about 2 yrs back, and i am in my late twenties, he in early thirties. oh my! we have the same issue too. I'm not a morning person and the minute i wake up he is ready to discuss some finacial plan or plan for the day and i go crazy! what u have written is typical of my situation too.may be i am not open to discussions and thatm akes him go into his 'cave'.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> tall average guy,
> you mean i need to give him his time to de stress even if it mean an hour?


Yes, in a manner of speaking. Stress in life does not give him a license to be a jerk. But we all need to remember that everyone handles stress differently. What works for you apparently does not work for him (and likely would not work for me). So talk to him about what he needs and what you can give him.

I don't know if he needs a full hour, or could get by with 30 minutes if you were out of the house during that time. Personally, I find I destress much quicker when no one is home versus when people are home, even when they are trying to give me breathing room. Not sure why, but it just is. He may find 15-20 minutes of alone time is all he needs.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Exactly. Let's reward him for acting like a pouting man child. Presentation at work and stressed for the evening? That's one thing. Coming home night after night and acting like a jerk blaming his wife for his bad behavior = [email protected]?


yes, sex should only be given as a reward for a man that acts exactly as you want him to all the time. never as something that might provide him comfort and settle him down and remind him of his good wife's love for him.

when my wife is over the top emotional and having a crying fool pity party for herself, i guess i shouldnt hold her or comfort her or listen te her babble on about nothing, i shouldnt reward her behavior


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Sometimes it’s difficult not to project out own experiences onto others. I once lost $300,000 on the stock market. When I told my wife she said with a sweet smile on her face “It’s only money!” in an attempt to downplay how I was feeling about it. What people who do these things don’t know is that they are denying their partner their feelings about things and because of that they are denying the essence of who the person is. It’s like they don’t exist. Difficult to explain.
> 
> Whereas on the other hand empathy and compassion mixed with a bit of inspiration and encouragement can do wonders for a person’s “mood” and also for the pair bonding. Otherwise it’s like two ships passing in the night, one never truly knowing and understand the other. All they see is the lights on the outside, not what’s happening inside, below decks.


Even though in the past I was the moody one it took me until recently to get this concept. When my husband gets in a bad mood my first instinct is to get him over it. Now I know it's better to understand, listen and give him space. I also do this with my kids. I don't try to "fix" their problems I simply listen and usually they figure it out on their own. 

Amazingly enough when I let my family own their own bad moods without trying to change it they get over it faster. Radical concept. 

The key to doing this though it back to that book Awareness...detaching. Otherwise they end up upsetting me too. Takes some mental work to sympathize without taking ownership - at least for me that is.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I regret that we don't live in the 50's or 60's anymore when the man came home undid his tie poured himself a bourbon, sat down and no one talked to him for 30 minutes.


Agreed. It's just a damn shame men like that don't exist no more.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

okay, keeping it short and simple...
yes I agree with conrad, you wanna make me happy, you know what you gotta do... but hey thats me, I'm not always happy and smiling....

no, its not rewarding him for being a jerk, he is stressed....
besides if he wants to unwind, however he unwinds give him *SPACE*....

just remember, he *don't* see it as a problem, *you do*, so *you* fix it...

to him, he might be as annoyed as you, about the fact that you're always happy and chipper, which means he thinks he is the only one worried about day to day survival... 

check to see if its about him being happy, or are you doing it for your own need...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WadeWilson said:


> besides if he wants to unwind, however he unwinds give him *SPACE*....
> 
> just remember, he *don't* see it as a problem, *you do*, so *you* fix it...
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If you decide to be out of the house when he first gets home to give him space, just make sure he knows you're not doing this out of spite. Depending on what he does in that hour when he gets home, (I'll use RunsLikeDog's post as an example) perhaps you could leave a note next to his glass of brandy "Welcome home, gone grocery shopping, see you in an hour." However you might find he likes knowing you're there - even when he is unwinding. 

I used to have a job that left me feeling drained and I couldn't even hold a conversation until after I'd had a bath. I was never moody, just exhausted, but if my H started launching into conversation, I'd reassure him that I wanted to hear all about it but first I needed my bath to unwind and refresh. He'd then sometimes even have a bath ready for me. I'm more the one that craves time like this and we understand this about each other. If he'd pushed me to keep talking when I was feeling drained and not in that space with him, I would have just felt more exhausted and then less keen to converse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Give him some space, like for me personally - when I had a long day at work, I like to just come home, go to my man-cave, grab a beer outta the mini-fridge and just relax for a good hour to unwind - and not deal with the world for a while. It helps!

And no, wifey isn't "officially" allowed in my man-cave during that hour, only my little angel is. Unfortunately, this rule is rarely taken seriously by her -> and it can get rather frustrating at times. Nowadays, I've grown a habit of putting both my babies to sleep before I can chill by myself.

Regardless - if your husband is like me, trust me -> give him some space and respect it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> yes, sex should only be given as a reward for a man that acts exactly as you want him to all the time. never as something that might provide him comfort and settle him down and remind him of his good wife's love for him.
> 
> when my wife is over the top emotional and having a crying fool pity party for herself, i guess i shouldnt hold her or comfort her or listen te her babble on about nothing, i shouldnt reward her behavior


Nice twist of my words there dude. I never said behaving exactly as I want, now did I? I said acting like a chronic jerk and then telling the partner to just deal with it should not be rewarded at all.


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## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

tall average guy,
well, i'm going to try getting out of the house at the time he comes in. hopefully, will get him feeling good. atleast for a few days.

wadewilson,
You made a great point and that never occured to me - he may think I am not stressed or that I don't care. Will keep this in mind.

heartsbreaking,
i"ll do it in a subtle way! Actually, my Husband is fighting an internal battle with himself and this shows on his face and mood. However, I don't know why he refuses to talk it out with me. I don't judge him or snub him.

randomdude,
I think my husband could be like you atleast for the part in which he coms home. May be I should trust you ;-) and give him whatever he wants.


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## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

luvmydarling said:


> As soon as he gets home I want his attention and he is unable to give it to me. He takes almost an hour to unwind.


Give the man an hour to unwind, then seek his attention. Get over yourself and your need for instantaneous attention, let him unwind, better therapy than any therapist.



Runs like Dog said:


> I regret that we don't live in the 50's or 60's anymore when the man came home undid his tie poured himself a bourbon, sat down and no one talked to him for 30 minutes.


Amen, brother. My wife is horrible about giving me that time to unwind. Which is part of the reason I love my bicycle commute. If I need time to unwind, I take the "scenic" route home. Not the same as a quiet space and a drink, but it's a close second.


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