# Can It Be Saved?



## rts4n (May 5, 2020)

Edit


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sorry this is harsh but,

I think your wife deserve a better partner. Let her go. You are the one writing this and I still feel for your wife. What would she say if she came on. 

You have broken trust in the relationship and with the money. You watched porn while not having sex with her. 
You have no ambition and you aren't pulling your weight but you are taking money and funneling it someplace that she didn't even know about.

Please don't get her pregnant. She deserve a better partner. I'm sure she is partly sad because women who want healthy children only have until about 35 and she has spent how many years with you? How old is she. And it isn't like a loving suitable partner is something she can just run down to the store and pick out. Let her go so she can fulfill her dream of being a Mom with someone who will be a suitable Dad.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

rts4n said:


> "You want a divorce?", she responded with "I don't want to but I think it's inevitable."


Unfortunately, I think it's inevitable, too. I think it's too far gone. 



rts4n said:


> She has also said that she feels like the parent in the relationship, and she doesn't trust that I want to have kids


I don't know if you could ever do enough to win her trust again. She undoubtedly feels that you won't change.
I'm not sure I disagree. From the way you describe yourself, you have serious moral and ethical issues which would have to be righted, if you want to have any kind of successful marriage. You have made important decisions unilaterally. This is very difficult to prove, that you won't just repeat your behavior.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Sorry this is harsh but,
> 
> I think your wife deserve a better partner. Let her go. You are the one writing this and I still feel for your wife. What would she say if she came on.
> 
> ...


This is truth. Frankly, you are too immature to be married. 

If you ever get married again, please grow up some. 

This poor woman has been through enough, please let her go...


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## rts4n (May 5, 2020)

Y'all are right. I've shown my character and why would she think I could change at this point. She will be 35 this year and I wasted her prime years being selfish and immature. Thanks for the honesty even though none of this is what I want to hear.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Change is the big thing. Most don’t or just revert back. If you are who you are and it’s incompatible love her enough to let her go.


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## rts4n (May 5, 2020)

I know it's just talk but I do want to change. I'm not proud of any of the decisions I've made or the way I've gone about our relationship. I want to be better and want to be the person she deserves to be with. I did make a lot of personal progress since going through individual therapy, but clearly I still have issues with my morals and ethics that have caused us to get to this point.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

rts4n said:


> I know it's just talk but I do want to change. I'm not proud of any of the decisions I've made or the way I've gone about our relationship. I want to be better and want to be the person she deserves to be with. I did make a lot of personal progress since going through individual therapy, but clearly I still have issues with my morals and ethics that have caused us to get to this point.


You never know what the future holds. But for now, it may be better for you to focus on being a better person, more of a grown up, if that is what you want. 

But you need to do it for you, because frankly, she is gone. You get that, right? 

And, you kind of can see that the things your have been doing is not the way to go right. You know, at some point you do want a real life, and job with maybe some earning potential, stuff like that right? 

I am just not sure that you are going to have it with her. And, if you keep thinking like you are going to show her and attract her back, that just really almost never happens. 

What you could do is get yourself togther and be better for when the next woman comes along. 

Maybe you should try and find a theripist/life coach to help you plan where you want to go????


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## rts4n (May 5, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> You never know what the future holds. But for now, it may be better for you to focus on being a better person, more of a grown up, if that is what you want.
> 
> But you need to do it for you, because frankly, she is gone. You get that, right?
> 
> ...


Yeah, I get it. Already started working with a coach and a therapist. My plan is to just better myself to make sure I don’t make these same mistakes again. Not that it matters but I do have a professional-salaried job but could be earning more if I ditched the comfort and put myself out there.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

rts4n said:


> Y'all are right. I've shown my character and why would she think I could change at this point. She will be 35 this year and I wasted her prime years being selfish and immature. Thanks for the honesty even though none of this is what I want to hear.


Sit her down.

Look her in the eye, take her hand, and gently say exactly that. "Wife, I've shown you who I am and who I am isn't a good husband. I worry I've wasted so much of your life on a bad marriage. If it's what you really want, I will do everything in my power to have this be done quickly, amicably, and fairly. However, I also want you to know that I love you even if that means letting you go - and I love you enough to try to be a better person than I have been before. If you give me another chance - six months, say - I will show you who I really want to be. But if it's too far gone, I accept that, and I accept my fair share of the blame for that."


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Wow so that is why she is so desperate to have children. And you let porn stop intimacy? 35 she is really between a rock and a hard place. A husband who has betrayed her. Or not having children or risk the children having issue like autism or defects of some kind. 

Well good news for you is you might actually have a chance. I mean I really don't think it is fair to her but she didn't come here for advice. If you can talk with her and show her that you are prepared to become a better person AND if you approach her about getting to those children. Well if you can get her knocked up she will probably stick around at least 3 - 5 more years. That would also give you time to prove to her you are serious about the better person thing. Now if she was here... I'd tell her to run and hope to meet someone compatible soon or to just pick a baby daddy without you.


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## rts4n (May 5, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Wow so that is why she is so desperate to have children. And you let porn stop intimacy? 35 she is really between a rock and a hard place. A husband who has betrayed her. Or not having children or risk the children having issue like autism or defects of some kind.
> 
> Well good news for you is you might actually have a chance. I mean I really don't think it is fair to her but she didn't come here for advice. If you can talk with her and show her that you are prepared to become a better person AND if you approach her about getting to those children. Well if you can get her knocked up she will probably stick around at least 3 - 5 more years. That would also give you time to prove to her you are serious about the better person thing. Now if she was here... I'd tell her to run and hope to meet someone compatible soon or to just pick a baby daddy without you.


Yeah, I’m an idiot. I actually appreciate the harsh truth. Reality is I’ve been coddled and enabled my whole life, and given infinite chances to do better. Never had to fully deal with the consequences for my actions.

I know I need to take ownership for the porn, but it was supposed to be a temporary fix while she dealt with her trauma and couldn’t have sex. Only the temporary turned permanent and I couldn’t man up and confront or communicate about the problem when she needed me to.

I have a lot of work to do regardless of it’s with her or without her.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well if you truly see your past that is hope for the future. Remember sugar coating it for us does no good. Don't forget to give us updates occasionally. And no matter if you two stay together or not, get off the porn. It causes so many issues for the men who use and the women who feel inferior. (the porn brigade will be by shortly to tell you it's ok).


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

rts4n said:


> Yeah, I’m an idiot. I actually appreciate the harsh truth. Reality is I’ve been coddled and enabled my whole life, and given infinite chances to do better. Never had to fully deal with the consequences for my actions.
> 
> I know I need to take ownership for the porn, but it was supposed to be a temporary fix while she dealt with her trauma and couldn’t have sex. Only the temporary turned permanent and I couldn’t man up and confront or communicate about the problem when she needed me to.
> 
> I have a lot of work to do regardless of it’s with her or without her.


I think you know what you need to do.
If you want her, you can try to put together an action plan with definable benchmarks and present it to her.
If she sees some change, she may buy in.
Somehow, I doubt it. However, you never know.
Regardless, strive to sort and correct your malfunctions.
It may be too late for your spouse, but you might be on time for someone else.


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