# I can't even muster the energy to leave



## apathy (Feb 25, 2011)

23 years of marriage...I can't believe it. Not all bad, two beautiful kids who are about to be both off at college. I see this as a turning point, a chance to reinvent ourselves. H does not...he is content to remain in the small town he grew up in (and where we raised our kids), his life revolves around college sports, high school sports and his group of friends that he grew up with. I am ready to 'move on' to travel, to move maybe to a larger city, to have a second life now that the kids are grown. I feel like our interests are so vastly different. We really have nothing in common. It is like coexisting with a room mate or brother (but he seems ok with this)...I keep thinking I can't (can I?) continue in this apathetic life...I need and want more. But then, how can I complain? He isn't abusive physically (sometimes verbally), and he wants a different marriage (always has) than I do--he sees it like a 1950's marriage, the wife makes the meals, cleans, and takes care of him...I'm tired of this...I want a partner who wants to share the chores and share the benefits. Should I pull the plug and get out even though it is essentially changing everything that my kids and family have known? How did I change (I was a willing participant in creating this lifestyle), but now it seems empty...am I being selfish for wanting more? I don't want a messy divorce, I just want to jump in the car (or airplane) and leave and never come back. Anyway, he wouldn't notice until his dinner isn't ready or after sports center ends...haha...how can he be happy like this? No sex, no interest in sex...I feel like how can I have sex with someone who has no interest in me other than a 'servant'...I don't feel like he knows me and maybe I don't really know him. He doesn't seem to even notice that we are so distant--does he not care? Tried marriage counseling (he resisted) and even the counselor essentially said this was hopeless...he won't change, he is happy with it like it is...but I'm not. What to do...what to do?


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## still existing (Feb 22, 2011)

Tell him. Its really that simple. Once the kids leave for college sit him down and explain to him how you feel. Be honest. 

Is there any room for compromise if he is willing to make adjustments? If he realizes that your serious and doesnt want to lose you. Maybe he cooks a couple of the nights. One or 2 nights every week you go out to eat. 

Once a year you pick the vacation to travel to places you want to go. Heck if he is into college football maybe you can visit a place his favorite team is playing. Then you can see the game for him and site see the area for you. Not sure who his team is but maybe they will play somewhere you would like to vacation also. Win/Win. 

If he doesnt want to compromise or your past that then I would just tell him the truth and end it. But maybe if you two did some of these things you could fall in love with him again. 

Can I ask what your ages are?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

apathy said:


> even the counselor essentially said this was hopeless...he won't change, he is happy with it like it is...but I'm not. What to do...what to do?


If the counselor has proclaimed it's hopeless, and your husband has no inclination to change, the ball is in your court, isn't it?

First, I would contact a family law attorney and find out where you stand. You either live in an equity state or a community property state. Either way, you have what is termed a "marriage of longevity." If you stayed home the duration of the marriage, you rendered a valuable service by maintaining the home and raising the children.

I have a gf who divorced her husband after 23 years of marriage, and she was entitled to half the equity in their home, half her husband's pension, and got child support for her youngest, who was still in middle school. 

Due to the duration of your marriage, you stand a very good chance of getting enough spousal support to move on. However, it is up to an attorney to review things like your tax returns and other financial information to determine how things would likely turn out.

Mind you, I am not advocating a divorce. However, you should at least see an attorney to get your ducks in a row, should you decide to leave.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Prodigal said:


> If the counselor has proclaimed it's hopeless, and your husband has no inclination to change, the ball is in your court, isn't it?
> 
> First, I would contact a family law attorney and find out where you stand. You either live in an equity state or a community property state. Either way, you have what is termed a "marriage of longevity." If you stayed home the duration of the marriage, you rendered a valuable service by maintaining the home and raising the children.
> 
> ...


Yeah, and if your husband becomes aware of what all he stands to lose, he just might get more willing to work on a marriage. My estranged husband isn't liking the fact I now get 1/2 of his paycheck.


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## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Apathy...I know the feelings...or non feelings of a marriage. Understand your confusion....


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Such a sad situation. In some respects, I can understand why some people would want to stay in the small town, but I get the impression that you'd be willing to continue with some sacrifices if there was any hope in the marriage.

What the others said about talking to a lawyer is spot on. In fact, since initial consults might be free, many lawyers would not take him on as a client if they have already gone through the initial consultation - hint, hint, small town. Get to the good lawyer first.

But I think that after you have your bearings on where you stand, tell him that you want a separation if you can manage it financially. Ensure him that you will be committed if he moves off dead center, but you need some time away. Let him see the bachelor life option first hand.

You shouldn't be a servant. I'm probably about your age, and agree that this should be a starting point of sorts. A partnership.

Maybe if he is ever willing to budge, let him know that travelling is not that scary. My motto is that I visit every great place twice. Go the first time with the understanding that I'll possibly miss more than I see, but grab brochures, visit rental agencies, and take notes. Then, go again the right way if it is a really great place. My wife and I started small right after we were married. Weekend getaways on the beach and mountains. Then, we gradually became more adventurous. Or ... I became more adventurous.


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

Watch 'Fried Green Tomatoes'! Kathy Bates plays a woman in the same situation as you. Now I know it is just a movie but I think her approach was the right one. If he does not want to make these changes together you should start making some of the changes that you really feel are important for you. He expects a loyal wife to cater to him while he is doing nothing to satisfy your desires. Go travelling on your own, maybe just 1-2 weeks the first time, and he will start to see what life is like without his diligent wife. You return home glowing and enlightened, if he does not see that there is change in the water coming and that he better react soon then now is the time to tell him that you are considering a change unless he is willing to start putting in some effort. A relationship should be a partnership afterall. If only one partner is trying well that is hardly fair. Time to wake him up!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

This can get better. I don't agree with the counselor. Make it clear that he changes or you want to leave and will leave soon.

If he decides he wants a life alone other than changing, I would separate. It may take that for him to come around.

Men can and do change. Even the suborn ones.

Realize that without sex, he is also hurting. You are both hurting and can get unstuck. There are also books about this. I personally like the gottman books. This is a fairly common issue.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Men like him cannot survive on their own after being married 23 years. Give him an ultimatum, and if he gets it - which he may not initially - he will be more than willing to start listening to what your needs are and get busy.

Tell him you are not happy, and these are the things that will make you happy, and if you don't get it you are leaving. Good luck...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Asking4Flowers said:


> Watch 'Fried Green Tomatoes'! Kathy Bates plays a woman in the same situation as you. !


Okay, I can't resist - I live in another part of the country, but when I tell my friends that I grew up in the place where that movie was filmed, they always tell me they never heard of it.


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