# My wife has checked out... doesn't even want to try...



## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

My wife and I have been married 12 years, together 16. She is 45 I am 37. We have an amazing 10 year old daughter who has physical special needs but not so much that it feels taxing on us.

Neither of us have ever been great communicators which always is a recipe for disaster. But we never fought, yelled, screamed anything like that. Very happy household, great parents. Great family. But not the best couple as far as passion and desire is concerned.

I have always had a healthy sexual appetite. I would always initiate a romp in bed (or other location). More often than not I was turned down because she didn't feel sexy or she just didn't have the drive. Now this has been going on for years. I always complimented her, told her I love her no matter what, encouraged whatever avenue she tried taking to make herself better. She never once, never in our entire relationship has come to me and said "Let's play!"

After years of being turned down I admittedly followed her lead and stopped trying. I didn't want to force myself on her or make her uncomfortable and honestly at this point years ago I should have said "what's wrong? Let's talk…" I didn't. And she didn't either.

Again as a family - very happy. We really put all our efforts into our daughter. And not enough into each other. It does take two...

We always kissed each other good night, in the morning. Always said I love you before hanging up the phone, tons of texting. Lot's of mutual respect.

We both have good jobs, nom-stressing. I work from home. I do all the cooking, house upkeep, daily errands to keep the house running and a majority of school pickups etc. No complaints from my end on all that but I guess in thinking back I am probably burnt out from it all at time. We went through some major financial hurdles a few years back but are on a pretty good path now. 

The last few months I noticed her getting real short with me, lots of criticizing, staying upstairs until 11 or later surfing or chatting on FB. I would pop in and once or twice I did catch her changing browser tabs or closing windows. Never hit me… not her…

Fast forward to two weeks ago. We were at the start of a family vacation. Almost three weeks away. Once we are still on for two more days as I post this. She asked me why her email program on her phone wasn't working. I started to look at it and she got nervous. I needed the password to her phone and she said "I can never remember it unless i am looking at the keypad"

uh-oh

Finally she relented since I asked 20 times so i could fix the phone. She went to shower and I got it working and an old stuck email draft popped up between her and someone she worked with 20 years ago. I would not have given a second look had the the first visible line not been "I Love You"

My heart sunk.

I read back through the chain and there was talk I had ever heard from her. So many I love you's, I crave you… I need you. Not explicit talk but serious sexual overtones and very suggestive talk. Even joking about it all.

My wife...
"He's right across from me on his phone too… lol!"

Him…
"Wouldn't it be great if he was talking to his girlfriend. Would make this so much easier"

EASIER? We have a daughter! a family!

I felt horrible but I snooped a bit on our laptop and found a few old emails which made it very clear they had developed quite the relationship. He is in NY so nothing physical happened but I know for a fact plenty happened via email and phone.

I confronted her that evening while our daughter was playing and asked if we were ok and was everything ok. At first she said yes, just a little tired etc. Then a dropped the bomb and said so these email with this guy are nothing. She went white..

Fast forward to today… lots of tears and anger from me. Holding it together for the family but just freaking inside. She said her love, passion and desire for me left a long time ago. She doesn't even want to try to fix it. She has checked out already…

I told her we HAVE to try counseling if only to get at the root of our communication issues, her intimacy issues… the issues. We have to try to keep our family together. I am just beside myself that she went directly to divorce with no stop at trying to save things…

More details etc. But I will stop here for you to start weighing in...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Don't try counseling yet. She isn't in to you right now, and whatever happens in counseling will be on deaf ears. Don't do it. If and when she comes back to you with a contrite heart and genuine desire to reconcile THEN consider counseling.

There's a great article here by Affaircare, who is a member here. It outlines EXACTLY what to do. Time is of the essence:

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

Pay attention to steps 5, 6 and 7 in particular.

Basically, if you go down the road of trying to win her back, placate her, be the husband of her dreams, etc, she'll simply lose more respect for you and find other ways to demonize you. Right now she's convinced herself that you're a bad husband, she never really loved you anyway, you married too young, blah blah blah... It's all foggy affair talk bullsh*t. All of us who have been cheated on have heard this garbage. All it is is self-justifying behaviour. 

Remember, she's having an emotional affair. She betrayed you. It is her failings that lead down that path, not yours. Don't get caught in the self-hating spiral that you somehow did something to deserve this. You didn't.

The other thing to do is read, read, read up on infidelity. Read the other posts on this site. Read "Not Just Friends". Knowledge is power.

I'm sorry you're in our club.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This might be helpful at understanding the "why" behind it all. Married Man Sex Life: I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You = Another Guy On The Radar


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## lemmbone (Sep 6, 2010)

Oh my,
First of all let me say right now that i am praying for you 
my brother! And right now i know you are going through alot and just remember this, you mentioned that you had a Wonderful child to look over and right now, i guess the main focus would be on the little lady. I know she loves her Daddy and as times seem hard now, keep your main focus on the child. As for as for the Wife, she is going through some stuff right now and i agree with Seeking sanity, Sh would be a deaf ear in a council session right now so just give her some time, because she will Feel something not that you know!


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

To be perfectly honest I am not sure that I am distraught over losing my wife or my family. My daughter is such a bright, happy child. Really social. An old soul.

I just dont want to break her heart.

Right now I have kind of been going along with this because we are on vacation (imagine how hard with all our families around) so without even realizing I have been doing what a lot of site say (dont fight or scream right now... dont push her away further)

I have been very honest and talked to her about really thinking about all this. She has apologized so much and hates that she hurt me but she has really said the love (in that way) is gone.

She has agreed to counseling if only to get at the root of our communication problems, intimacy problems and to best figure out how to have the (at this moment) talk with our daughter regarding the impending separation.

Today is the last day of vacation and we have an 11 hour + drive tomorrow...


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Just to clarify... right now her only "thing" is that she does not love me like anymore. She thinks I am an amazing husband, father etc. and I am. We just never communicated. Ever.

While I know it takes two to communicate I place all this squarely at her feet. She made the actual decision to do this.

I just dont want my little girl hurt.


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## JHELP (Aug 29, 2010)

My brother I feel you. Reading your post was like I posted it myself straight down to the vacation. The one thing that I have not found is that she is having a affair. Hell I think it would make it easier for me knowing that was the big problem. Hang in there as with the rest of there will be many up and downs on this journey. I just saw a text to one of her friends how she can;t wait to get her own space(moving out) soon.Just saw that today and eventhough I knew it was heading there seeing it just broke my heart!
Focus on your daughter when you get down I know seeing my kids smile picks me up.


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## RazorC (Aug 31, 2010)

Man sorry to hear all this. It's very close to what I'm going through right now. The biggest diffrence is the long distance emailing...in my case it was happening between two people who could see each other 3 days out of the week.

I wish you the best of luck....and would really like to say that FB is the root of fu**ing everything evil.


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## patientone (Jul 31, 2010)

FB is evil...as is the IPhone...all make communication TOOO easy. Sorry to hear your news...same as my boat, except mine has never really apologized. It has been almost 5 months for me...expect to be an emotional roller coaster. No tips...eat though and take care of yourself and enjoy your daughter. And your wife...you won't recognize her anymore. Not sure where this will end for either of us...but take care of yourself and eventually, things will get better (with or without your wife). I hear.:scratchhead:


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Add in text messaging in general. You are sitting next to your wife and she is emailing her lover. Treating you as a fool. It dosen't mean these affairs wouldn't occur but they sure enable it.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Wow... 13 hour car drive. Just us. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. We got home and while they were upstairs I just lost it. I see all these family photos, us smiling, together. It hurts so bad. I am getting mad too... I am a mess.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Her saying she has nothing left is completely normal. From what I can tell, she's very much in the affair fog. Her messaging him right in front of you is a big one that stands out. My wife sat and chatted on Facebook with the other guy for hours, all the while knowing I knew who she was talking to. She would sit so that I couldn't see her screen and said things like, "My husband is looking at me so funny right now because I just smiled."

The biggest thing right now is, decide whether you want save your marriage or end it, and stick with that. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Any friends or family that you talk to about it, let them know what your goal is so that they can support you in that instead of telling you things that are counter-productive to your desired outcome.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

talk, we need lots of info to know whats going on. so we can help


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

So much to say it seems overwhelming to type it out... Yes I want to save the marriage. Well I at least want to TRY. We owe that to our daughter. We should try... We have our first counseling session tomorrow. Should be interesting.

Tonight had an odd development. I cam home from being out later and she was visibly upset over something. I started prodding and pushing and telling her to talk. Since we never did we might as well start now, right?

She finally said it has nothing to do with us (doesnt everything, really right now?) And said "I'll be right back" and went upstairs. She was obviously texting, emailing or whatever with him and something had her upset... Grass isnt greener already? Trouble in paradise already. 

She has MONTHS or more of this coming still. We are not separating anytime before our daughters birthday in January, not selling our house before then, nothing. Then who knows how much longer it was take to sell the house, etc. etc.

I refuse to fight and scream. I am taking the high-road. Psychological warfare if you will to show her that while we DO have our problems. We CAN work on them and fix this. WAY easier than starting over...


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

I also had a great talk with a therapist myself today... TOld me some interesting statistics. 70% of all affairs nowadays start with Facebook or other social media. Women mostly initiate and keep the ball in the air. These fantasy-land affairs rarely work out once real-life settles in and she realizes everything I did. All the little details etc.

Was very interesting. I don't have false or high-hopes of this working (just being realistic, not negative) but it is what I have been telling her. "Have you REALLY thought about this, details, day to day life etc.)


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

And yes I told her she cannot contact him while in our house and of course she does... adding fuel to the fire.


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## Ravensno (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband was involved with a co-worker 15 years ago. Right under my nose. Imagine what he can do with Facebook. He is an avid user of Facebook. I never joined it and don't intend to. Bet since he did it before he will do it again. He is gone every weekend to play in pool tournaments out of town and I have no idea where, and he stays gone from Friday to Sunday. No contact with me at all. So, i bet he has a lady there. What do you think? I hope you become stronger and stand your ground.


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## Lpt51173 (Sep 5, 2010)

Ravensno. You probably know the answer to your question. If you know, if you feel it it is probably happening. Facebook... ugh.


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