# Love or Lust



## MrDarkDream (Jan 12, 2013)

Which would you rather have your spouse show you? My wife and I only have sex about once a month. Even though she shows me affection, the lust that she would show me earlier in our relationship is gone. I miss those days. My previous relationship it was mostly based on sex and I will admit that I miss that feeling. The feeling wanted feeling. Just curious about people's input.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Love. I need him to do and say little things that show me he loves me every day. Those feelings of love build my lust for him, and then I reward him which makes him feel loved 

Please have a read of this forum, there are many people in your position. I've read a lot of threads about sexless marriages and all of them boil down to this: it's not the sex that's the problem, it's some issue(s) in the relationship. If your relationship isn't great, either of you aren't meeting each other's needs enough, then don't expect her to lust after you, because that mental connection isn't there. What you need is to communicate with each other about what your wants and needs, make each other feel heard and understood, and both put the effort in to do things that make each other happy. After that, the sex will pick up.

You miss the way things were? That's why people 'date' their spouse, to keep things fresh and interesting. It's easy to fall into a routine and for all you know, she's not happy with it either. Have a read here, then a chat with her, and things will get better.

Best wishes.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Men need the lust and women need the love.

Men are more physical, visual and sexual with overall higher sex drives.

Women are more emotional, romance, cuddling and have overall lower sex drives.

Marriage is compromise. Instead of sex once each month, which is catering to her LD, she should be having sex with you 3+ times each. This is the middle ground, instead of sex every day guys would easily do. 50 / 50 is what its all about, and not what only she or he wants.

She could try waiting in the shower as a surprise for him before he goes to work, A quickie and that would make his day.

He could randomly surprise her with flowers, sweets and a card once each month and that would make her day. Give her oil massages, make her day. Cuddling on the couch, under a blanket, watch tv together, talk about your days.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Gotta have both. There is no need to make a choice.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well love,but I think at times you can have both if you put effort into it.I'm pretty sure if you do unexpected little things for your other, it can bring back that lust ever now and then.

My wife tends to take notice in little things I do or don't do.
I'm getting it as it makes a big difference in the bedroom.
If I only would have learned this years ago,but your never to 
late to learn.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i need both love and lust. my husband shows me love by holding my hand...he shows his lust for my by playfully squeezing my ass or saying something sexual to me.


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## MrDarkDream (Jan 12, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Men need the lust and women need the love.
> 
> Men are more physical, visual and sexual with overall higher sex drives.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately our sex, as it seems to be the case of many other couples here, is dictate by the person with LD. I have tried talking to her about sex, what turns her on and such but she just won't talk about it. Anything to do with sex she won't about it. Even just teasing is out of the question, for example a couple of months she was complaining that she needed more protein in her diet and I jokingly told her that I could give her more protein and her reply was "I'd rather eat meat" (she's a vegetarian.) 

I guess what I was trying to get at is that it might be better for myself esteem to have someone who would lust after me.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

*He could randomly surprise her with flowers, sweets and a card once each month and that would make her day. Give her oil massages, make her day. Cuddling on the couch, under a blanket, watch tv together, talk about your days. * 

Almost a snapshot of our life at this point.......

I have never had a really agressive sex partner.....

To the contrary at the absolute pinacle of arousal I have seen women reach an almost a hypnotic state moving in seeming slow motion, lips slack, eyes glazed, with an almost dreamlike, or confused expression...I have actually seen a similar state induced by hashish.....And of course all the clasic signs, sexual flush, erect nipples and clitoris, and profuse lubrication.. 

Just the opposite of what a man would exhibit....purposeful movements, intent expression, extreme mental focus...Perhaps the slow motion is to facilitate their capture.......

In our current situation, love has become a constant with lust being shown with refreshing frequency....We like both.....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MrDarkDream said:


> Unfortunately our sex, as it seems to be the case of many other couples here, is dictate by the person with LD. I have tried talking to her about sex, what turns her on and such but she just won't talk about it. Anything to do with sex she won't about it. Even just teasing is out of the question, for example a couple of months she was complaining that she needed more protein in her diet and I jokingly told her that I could give her more protein and her reply was "I'd rather eat meat" (she's a vegetarian.)
> 
> I guess what I was trying to get at is that it might be better for myself esteem to have someone who would lust after me.


:iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MrDarkDream said:


> Which would you rather have your spouse show you? My wife and I only have sex *about once a month*. Even though she shows me affection, the lust that she would show me earlier in our relationship is gone. I miss those days. My previous relationship it was mostly based on sex and I will admit that I miss that feeling. The feeling wanted feeling. Just curious about people's input.


ONCE A MONTH [email protected]#$% You are teetering near a "Sex Less marriage"... Sex Therapists deem that 10 or less times a year....



> I guess what I was trying to get at is that it might be better for myself esteem to have someone who would lust after me.


Given your situation I'd feel the same way, what good is Love if her love is as exciting as a roommate, cuddling and putting on the brakes while your loins are on fire. Does she not care how this hurts you - physically and emotionally? How are you not eaten alive with Resentment by now? 

Ultimately you want LOVE ...but with the driving desire to build some passionate LUST ...on a happening basis.

Anything less is going to cause emotional pain, resentment and ultimately may lead you in the arms of another woman... 

I FELT like you "during a phase" 4 yrs ago, I had some kind of hormonal surge in Mid Life and husband had to hold on for the ride, if he denied me, I think it would have destroyed our marriage...thankfully I didn't face this.. I would died & went to heaven for 3 times a day - but I had to be content with once a day or 6 times a week... I never questioned his Love for me...but I did start to question his Desire... I caused him some performance Pressure even.... thank GOD for [email protected]#$%^&*

He was AMAZING ... still telling me to come to him... I was just sucking every drop of his Test dry- he was 45 at the time, and I was wishing he was like 25 ... that would have been working nicely. But ya know ...we worked it out.

This has calmed...even having a small taste of how you feel, I am not sure how some can deal with it... you are missing the hot Passion, that "gotta have you now" feeling taking over your body with their lover being drenched in it at the same time... is there anything sweeter in life !! 

But of course love is important, you don't want to forgo the "Afterglow" after all that Hot sex...if it was just LUST , you'd both get up and go about your business... this too, is not emotionally fulfilling... would grow old. 

Your wife needs to understand this >> 

Sex Is an Emotional Need -Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband 



Your wife not wanting to talk about this is simply NOT acceptable...she needs to understand she may loose you. Or you may be facing this in your future >>

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - 

I would recommend a book on Libido types... and open this conversation up ...Sounds like she has a "Disinterested" libido type, one of the harder ones to deal with. What do you feel changed her... is their Built up Resentment not dealt with in your marriage? Often this is the case, is she on any meds to ZAP her sex drive, hormonal birth control can do this, depression meds, did you gain weight - what do you feel has caused this change from Vibrant sex life - to almost sexless? 

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ...

also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

One wants most what they don't have.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

False dichotomy.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MrDarkDream said:


> Even just teasing is out of the question, for example a couple of months she was complaining that she needed more protein in her diet and I jokingly told her that I could give her more protein and her reply was "I'd rather eat meat" (she's a vegetarian.)


Wow, that's pretty nasty on her part. Maybe it's time she considers the question of how she plans to attract another guy with that sexual attitude.

If she says that she'd rather stay single, then you know she doesn't give a crap and can make an informed decision as to what's best for your future.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrDarkDream said:


> Which would you rather have your spouse show you? My wife and I only have sex about once a month. Even though she shows me affection, the lust that she would show me earlier in our relationship is gone. I miss those days. My previous relationship it was mostly based on sex and I will admit that I miss that feeling. The feeling wanted feeling. Just curious about people's input.


My priorities these days :

1) To be my wifes exclusive lover ... you can call this lust but this is the dopamine stuff.

2) To be my wifes best male friend. This is Oxytocin love.

3) To be her husband and father of out children. Mosr Oxytocin love.


So my asnwer is both but I choose lust number one because I will not accept just #2 and #3.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been married?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things together, just the two of you?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I'm thinking she still wants sex, just not with you anymore. At once a month she is probably thinking it's a chore and she is only "doing it" for you. Next she may tell you she could go with out sex for a year as it's really not that important to her. That means "you're not that important to me". She may then begin to pick you apart, your faults and complain about how unattractive they are. When she does this she is defaulting the blame for her lack of libido upon you and it absolves her of any responsibility on her part for figuring out why the sex drive/desire part of her is taking a vacation. She blames you because it's easier than looking at herself and her commitment to the marriage and you. Maybe some of this sounds familiar to you already?


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## MrDarkDream (Jan 12, 2013)

CanadianGuy said:


> I'm thinking she still wants sex, just not with you anymore. At once a month she is probably thinking it's a chore and she is only "doing it" for you. Next she may tell you she could go with out sex for a year as it's really not that important to her. That means "you're not that important to me". She may then begin to pick you apart, your faults and complain about how unattractive they are. When she does this she is defaulting the blame for her lack of libido upon you and it absolves her of any responsibility on her part for figuring out why the sex drive/desire part of her is taking a vacation. She blames you because it's easier than looking at herself and her commitment to the marriage and you. Maybe some of this sounds familiar to you already?


A little bit too close to home for comfort.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

From my experience, the kind gestures, flowers, romantic exchanges all come AFTER we have been intimate. It lasts for only a couple days but the bond is obvious to both of us. Her attraction is an entirely different matter and has less to do with those things.

For example, she was on her period so we were in the no-go zone. My wife attended a large event as a guest and I had a featured role so we were not together. I caught her eyes tracking me many times during the evening. When we got home guess who jumped who? Seeing me in command and confident and taking some risks and engaging with many important people was attractive. This stuff is simple once you have your eyes opened to it and our behaviors are rather predictable.

And yes, it felt like lust...and I often have the same complaint you do on that front.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

they go hand in hand.
in my case, one begets the other.


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