# STBXW says I'm still in the running!



## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

So, my wife and I, separated 10mos and 2 wks now, have been dating and have been physically intimate with each other for the past couple months.

She is still dating other men, but a rebound of mine recently ended, so I'm not dating anyone currently. She loves to tell me how I'm "ahead of the pack" and sometimes after a date with another man, she'll text me with "another boring date. You're still the blueprint".

This past Sunday she again told me I was still in the competition. Now, at first, I sorta felt good knowing that she hadn't found anyone better than me yet, but just earlier today, I thought to myself, "why am I in any "competition" at all? Either she wants me or she doesn't". I don't like being toyed with in this way, but at the same time, I can't deny that I still really love my wife, and I'm almost sure that if I voice my true feelings about this, she'll say, "okay fine, we don't have to date anymore". And that would crush me. 

I've only really let it go this far because I thought we were finding each other again, and perhaps I could save the marriage. But hell, why should I be trying to win HER back?! She's the one that cheated on ME!! She should be trying to win ME back, not the other way around!

There are other factors involved, namely our young daughter who is simply ecstatic to see Mommy and Daddy getting along, holding hands and kissing again. The first time we hugged in front of her, my daughter cried tears of happiness. At that point, I decided I would do whatever was necessary.

There's also the sex factor. Look, I'm not dating anyone, so I'm not getting any. Sex with my ex was always fantastic, and I'm not sure I'm willing to give that up just yet. But then I throw up a little thinking she's screwing other dudes, too.

She once told me that someone told her a woman should have 3 men at all times; one who can support her financially, one who is great at sex, and one for emotional support. She truly believes this credo to be valid, so I think she's trying to live it out. Why can't one man (i.e. me) be all 3 of those things? Why must I compete with other men to win my own wife back??

She agreed to get a no-contest divorce (neither one of us can really afford lawyers), but when I told her I had an appointment with a lawyer who would start the no-contest on its way, she asked me not to go, saying it's not really necessary.

So, now we're not getting divorced? But we're still living separate and dating other people?? Just what the hell is she trying to do? And why are me and my daughter forced to ride this thing with her?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

melancholyman said:


> She once told me that someone told her a woman should have 3 men at all times; one who can support her financially, one who is great at sex, and one for emotional support. She truly believes this credo to be valid, so I think she's trying to live it out. Why can't one man (i.e. me) be all 3 of those things? Why must I compete with other men to win my own wife back??


If she truly believes this it would be best to move on. She is in a mindset that is unhealthy for any monogamous relationship. You are correct she is using you for one of those roles. As far as staying in it for the sex, well that’s using too. Do what’s right for you and your daughter and quit feeding false expectations. Move on and find someone more deserving.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

melancholyman said:


> But hell, why should I be trying to win HER back?! She's the one that cheated on ME!! She should be trying to win ME back, not the other way around!


I agree, but your actions don't support her doing this, so it's not likely she will unless you put a stop to the dating her while she's seeing other people. She doesn't have the motivation to change what she is currently doing.


melancholyman said:


> So, now we're not getting divorced? But we're still living separate and dating other people?? Just what the hell is she trying to do? And why are me and my daughter forced to ride this thing with her?


Your daughter, unfortunately, is forced to ride this thing however you and your wife let it play out. Your wife likely doesn't see what you see in your daughter's eyes when you are loving toward one another. For her sake, I would do what is necessary to minimize her confusion and not give her false hope in a situation you currently have no control over since your wife does not seem to be ready to resume a monogomous marriage with you.

You, however, are not forced to play along. Tough decisions either way, but if you continue to get half your needs met it will not be a good way to start out should you get back together. You will either demand more and she will run again or you will eventually grow to resent the whole situation...IMHO.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I let myself be "used" during mine and my STBX's separation...I loved him dearly...still do. But there comes a point where you do have to say "Hey, if I rock so much, then I don't deserve to be treated this way!"


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

This just doesn't make any sense to me- it's a sweet deal for her, but all you are getting out of it is the physical part... which is nice, but it's not a healthy relationship... she's getting to do whatever she wants and she knows that if she doesn't find something better then you'll still be there for her...it's like cheating with a tiny bit of honesty mixed in. 
I wish I could have the stability of my ex husband while I date... haven't found anyone that I'm head over heels yet and I don't have him as my confinant that I can talk to about anything, but I left... I can't still toy with his emotions and he doesn't have control over mine either. 
You need to move on- how would she react if you told her you've met an amazing woman... your wife is still in the running, but who knows for how long... would she let you tell her that? Don't let her walk all over you!!


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Melancholyman, 

I know I'm one to give advice cause you know my situation but don't let her use you like that. Like you said, she's sleeping with other guys and with you. Have some respect for yourself and say no. 

She is definetly having her cake and eating it too. You should not be competing with other men for her. She's probably getting a kick out of it. You told me before, she is probably hanging on to you just in case none of her other affairs work out. 

Do you have custody of your daughter ? Sounds to me that you do. Focus on her, your wife will some day realize what a big mistake she made. 

In my opinion, if she's out with other people and having sex with them, then there is no reason to hang on. I know you love her, but you have to move on. She is playing with your emotions...

Be strong. You guys are already separated. Half way out of this.

Who knows maybe I'll change my mind or opinion about this once it happens to me. Love is crazy but you have to know when enough is enough...


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

melancholyman said:


> She once told me that someone told her a woman should have 3 men at all times; one who can support her financially, one who is great at sex, and one for emotional support. She truly believes this credo to be valid, so I think she's trying to live it out. Why can't one man (i.e. me) be all 3 of those things? Why must I compete with other men to win my own wife back??


this struck me as extremely narcissistic. if three men at all times is good, why not 5 men, ten men, twenty men...all to fulfill some niche in her personality. see what i'm saying?

God created marriage. it is defined legally based upon His creation. if one can't live within those parameters, it ain't a marriage.

remember this during this period: you shouldn't have to compete with other men to win YOUR wife back. it's just that she doesn't see herself as YOURS. problem lies there.

don't let that stop you from dating her. just ask her..."do i have to win in the finance department, the sex department AND the emotional department? because i can be the best lay you've ever had, but i will never make a million bucks a year. are you looking for THAT guy? because he ain't me.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I agree with the other posters about this one. You are already thinking of your daughter. Think of how this might look to her about what marriage means. If either person in the marriage is getting everything they want, but the other person feels used, it is not going to provide the long term support and care that you and your daughter need. It is difficult to break the ties, but if she is having sex with others and comparing you to others, she is not honoring you for who your are and is subjecting you to getting whatever sexual disease and emotional dysfunction she carries with her.

Tell you want her exclusively, as a wife or not at all and mean it. Otherwise, you will feel jerked around and resentful. If she is not going for a monogamous relationship then you need to stop "dating" her and move on.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

"why am I in any "competition" at all? Either she wants me or she doesn't".
________________________________

I see it the same way. maybe to her ??? it's all about games
because it sounds as if she's playing them. Sounds to me, like she 
is building up her ego, not yours.

You should maybe stop dating her, and if she tells you again that your the blueprint and still in competition, you should respond back to her
that your sorry but you don't want to be a contender in her life. That she should set her sights elsewhere.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Oh and another thing... 
If you keep "dating" your wife... you are never going to be able to move on... if you did meet someone wonderful- they probably wouldn't be ok with you dating your wife...and you sound like a faithful nice man so you won't be emotionally available to them either. 
You sound like you aren't ready to date yet anyways... so take time to yourself and focus your attention on your daughter and then when you do meet someone you will be more ready to date and not compare every little thing to your wife. It will get better, sorry you are going through this


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Thanks guys for your responses.

I know I'm really getting shafted on this deal, but I can't say that I'm not guilty of the same. I mean, for awhile, I was dating someone too, it just recently ended. So I guess for awhile, my wife was sort of "in the running", as well. 

Am I ready to date again? Well, I need to get my own place and ride first, but I feel like I want to give my heart to someone else. I want to trust again. And I certainly want to make love again. Do those things make me ready? I really don't know. Yes, I'm stuck on my wife, but if the right person came along, I could ditch my wife, knowing that she really didn't want me as her man anyway. 

To her, I'm what some urban populations might refer to as a "shorty"; someone you keep in tow to hang out with, have sex, talk sh** with, whatever, but is always just an option, never a priority.

Funny thing is, my wife has told me she was jealous of my other relationship during that time and was actually angry at me that I could be seeing someone long-term (well, 4 months...). The nerve..! 

She doesn't like to be rushed into ANYTHING, and she hates having to validate or take responsibility for her actions. The woman just wants complete sovereignty unto herself. So, when I asked if she thought she would ever be ready for a monogamous relationship, with ANYONE, not just me, she said she didn't want to think that far ahead, but for now, no. And yet, somehow, she claims she's looking for love. 

She's going to keep me as a "shorty" as she sees fit and as long as I let her, but to end this means my marriage will truly end. This may be an incredibly dysfunctional semblence of our marriage, but the alternative is a return to loneliness, unhappiness and unworthiness.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

melancholyman said:


> This may be an incredibly dysfunctional semblence of our marriage, but the alternative is a return to loneliness, unhappiness and unworthiness.


There is nothing wrong with being alone and lonely. Almost all experience it at some point in their lives. It just drives us to find companionship.

Unhappiness will wane as you move forward. I can’t think of anything that would make me feel more unhappy than being uses as a “Plan B” and it doesn’t really seem like she is considering you long term anyway.

You are certainly not unworthy. It is she who is unworthy of the love or commitment of any man based on her attitudes and shallowness in relationships.

Move on, move up!!!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I believe "shorty" refers to the woman, you as the man, would be refered to as the "boy toy"


check out "urban dictonary"


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Isn't there a song... shorty? lol 
I agree with amplexor- lonliness can be a part of life, it would be nice if you could mush all your loving relationships into a continuous line, but that would often have to involve cheating of some sort...not that you are cheating, but in normal circumstances.
I'm lonely right now, but I will be that much more grateful when I do find someone and I've had time to get over my ex and it's kind of nice to date guys that are completely different then him- it's great  
And you aren't going to be worthless, you will be a good father and teach your daughter what a healthy relationship is. You will find someone that gives back what you give to them and not taking advantage of your love.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Shorty Doowop-Baby Bash....lol

You deserve much better...took me a minute to catch on...but I do too  They will one day realise what they had...and my how foolish they were.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

preso said:


> I believe "shorty" refers to the woman, you as the man, would be refered to as the "boy toy"
> 
> 
> check out "urban dictonary"


the game has changed, preso! Chicks do "man" things now, and use our terms.

And urban dictionary is usually a few steps off from what's current, but it's good for people not already versed in popular slang.

haven't heard "boy-toy" since early Madonna, but yeah, a guy shorty is a boy toy.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Everybody has pretty much laid it out. I'll sum up;

Absolutely nothing healthy or positive comes out of this arrangement. Her thinking is damaged. Her behavior is damaged - and you are feeding into it. I'm ok with putting it this way because I did the same thing.
LET ... HER ... GO.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Divorce her, move on and you WILL have a happy future.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

But now she's saying we don't have to get divorced (which for me is wish fulfillment to the nth degree). We're finding ourselves again, and she finally sees me as the person she fell in love with 15 years ago.

"I've got my swagger back", as she calls it.

Part of me KNOWS that this can't possibly end well for me, and the other, eternally optimistic part of me says to give it a chance and let things go naturally.

I'm hopelessly stuck on this woman. After all this time, I've gone out with other women, but no one really stacked up (or maybe I subconciously wouldn't let them). Somehow, being played like a fiddle is oddly acceptable if this is the best I could get.

Despite her behavior, I still love her very much. When she's like the way she is now, she's everything I ever wanted; warm, sexy, confident. But that condescending, vindictive, and now manipulative part of her... killer! I can't shake the feeling that, while I know this is not all my fault, my actions and inactions initiated this change in her behavior. Or at the very least, gave an excuse to let what was always there, out.

I'm really taking what you guys say to heart, and like I said, a part of me already knows this isn't a good situation to be in. I just see this as the last bastion in regards to trying to salvage my marriage.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Everybody has pretty much laid it out. I'll sum up;
> 
> Absolutely nothing healthy or positive comes out of this arrangement. Her thinking is damaged. Her behavior is damaged - and you are feeding into it. I'm ok with putting it this way because I did the same thing.
> LET ... HER ... GO.


*Raises hand* I did it too. Her damaged thinking will damage you.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Ultimately NO ONE lives our lives or walks around in our shoes. Personally I think the whole comment "You've got your swagger back.", says it all to me. Marriage and commitment isn't just about the good times but the bad as well. I think I'd constantly be questioning when she falls back out of love and kicks you to the curb again.  There are NO guarantees in life. Go with your gut and do what you feel is best. We are here to listen and support. Good Luck with your decision. I wish you every happiness in the future.


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## vasmar (May 28, 2009)

Melancholyman,

Again, if you meant so much to her she would not be going out with other guys. She would work things out with you and go from there. The fact of the matter is, she's giving you hope to keep you around in case things don't work out with the other men in her life. 

Imagining her and knowing she is sleeping with another man would be enough to let her go. 

You have to be strong.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

melancholyman said:


> But now she's saying we don't have to get divorced (which for me is wish fulfillment to the nth degree). We're finding ourselves again, and she finally sees me as the person she fell in love with 15 years ago.
> 
> "I've got my swagger back", as she calls it.
> 
> ...


Maybe your swingers and just don't know it yet !
Alternative lifestyles and alternitive marriges work for some people.
Maybe your those people and just don't know it yet.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Although it's (the sex) enjoyable and you miss and love her the pain and feelings of being "used" and the feeling of why aren't I good enough for her to get rid of the rest of the "men" will overpower that feeling of "goodness" eventually.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Rhea, vasmar, deejo and all others who helped out here,

you were right. we're not together anymore (again). She said she needed time to be to herself but she was (and is) still seeing the other guy. 

I did indeed start feeling that if she really wanted to reconnect with me and rebuild our marriage, she would get rid of him. She just wouldn't do it. Her feelings for him are stronger than they are for me.

Held off on the divorce long enough. Time to start my life.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nobody takes any joy in being right about how these things turn out.

I'm very sorry that things didn't work out as you had hoped. Best form of payback is to do exactly as you stated; live your life, find joy. Leave dysfunction behind.

Think about what you have just come out on the other side of. Think about all you have learned about yourself, about your spouse, and what you DON'T want in a future partner.


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