# Not sure where to begin



## Forever Me (May 20, 2013)

I am not sure where to look for help or even describe my marriage. It's had highs and lows like they all do, but I feel like every bump got us to where we are right now, and trying to spell it all out would be long and drawn out. We have been married for 13 years now, and were together 3 years before we were married and moved in together. We have no children. 

We were extremely young when we got married, and even as the younger spouse, I was the more mature and responsible one. I grew up doing chores, learned to do the bills, ect. He was an only child, who was well taken care of and a bit spoiled. We built a good life together, and about 5 years into the marriage hit a bump. He was making young single friends and hearing wild single guy stories. He felt like he was missing out and finally told me so one day. I cried for a couple months, and finally it turned to rage and told him to move out, and divorce me. The next day, he looked alive again, eyes full of love again, and it was like to him, nothing had happened. It took me a couple years to learn to trust him again, and realize that my asking for a divorce was the slap he needed to see what he had, and appreciate it again. There was never any infidelity, just the words "I love you, but I am not IN love with you".

8 Years later, I am starting to wonder if I love him, or the man he use to be. His personality has changed. He has become "one of the guys" at work. Lots of sex and fart jokes. Lots of annoying catch phrases. Since we work at the same company, I hear it all night at work, and come home to the same annoying behavior. Add that to the fact that he doesn't like to change anything, ever, and I am sort of feeling like I am "over" him. He wont eat healthier with me. He doesn't care about his job anymore. 

I think the last year has proved to hard for me. His change in behavior, lack of care about our health, lack of concern about our money troubles, lack of concern for my pleasure, have landed me very depressed. I feel like I have tried HARD to tell him how I feel. I have told him I am not one of the guys, that I can't stand pooh jokes around the house 24-7. I have told him that I am not interested in sex with him anymore, because he no longer puts in any effort, but I think it's also because I am starting to hate his personality so much, the thought of him touching me just makes me squirm with.. ick. I don't even want him to kiss me, and when he says "I love you" I don't even answer sometimes. 

I don't know how to get back what we use to have. I have become the ice queen, and just shut down around him at home. I have even stopped doing the things I love with our dogs (training, agility) because he is around, and I just want alone time. I even switched shifts at work, that will start in a few weeks, just to get away from him. I don't know what else to do. I would ask for a separation, but he has no family in this state, and neither of us have close friends. He would have to move 1,500 miles away to live with his dad, and I am afraid if he left the state, he would quit his job, and just never leave the house, the marriage would be over, and so would any chance of him being who he use to be.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Forever Me said:


> He was making young single friends and hearing wild single guy stories. He felt like he was missing out and finally told me so one day. I cried for a couple months, and finally it turned to rage and told him to move out, and divorce me. The next day, he looked alive again, eyes full of love again, and it was like to him, nothing had happened. It took me a couple years to learn to trust him again, and realize that my asking for a divorce was the slap he needed to see what he had, and appreciate it again. There was never any infidelity, just the words "I love you, but I am not IN love with you".


Are you sure he did not have an affair? Hanging out with the younger single crowd, wanting a single life, telling you ILYBNILWY, and then when you tell him to get out, he miraculously changed his behavior. Quite a few red flags.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Does he watch porno? That feeling of "ick", feeling down when he is around, not wanting him to touch or kiss you, personality changes, and his lack of personal caring, are symptoms of a man who watches porn. 

Their personality does change, and they start to objectify women, thus the gross feeling if being used. It is similar to being cheated on with all the feeilngs involved in an affair, except its fantasy. It can be lonely place for a wife.

If that's not the case, maybe it's temporary? How long has this been going on?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

do you even want to fall back in love with him? is this his new personality or he's the same and you've changed? If he has changed, maybe you can get your old husband back. But if you've changed and now you want more, expect more, need more, and/or, since you've grown, you no longer like the immature guy that he is, you might need to move on.

If he's changed, maybe discussing divorce again may change him back to who you fell in love with. But if you've changed, then I don't think threatening divorce will help.

If there's even a chance you can re-kindle what you have, then I think it's time to have many discussions with him that you are not happy and what needs to happen to save the marriage. Staying in this marriage because you live far from home or have few friends is not a reason to stay married.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Sounds to me like you are the head of the household and he doesn't know his place so is reverting to childlike behaviour. You aren't attracted to a child so aren't wanting sex with him. This will become a vicious cycle until you learn to give up control, allow him to treat you like a woman (taking care of things for you to ease your stress). When the roles become more balanced in the feminine and masculine, he will feel and act like a man and you will want to have sex with him again! It sounds like your backgrounds have set you both up perfectly for this imbalance.

We, as woman, are taught to suppress our feminine energy and care take constantly at the detriment of our relationships and our mental health. Men feel the desperate need to take care of us and when we don't let them, they feel 'out of place'. I had to remedy this in my own marriage and have had awesome results


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## Forever Me (May 20, 2013)

Thank you all for your replies, they are helping me think of things that come in and out of my head quickly, and are helping me focus on what some of the actual problems are. 

I think the comment about feeling like he is a child killing my attraction to him is really spot on. I hate having to remind him of things, and make his appointments, check on every little thing like he is a child. I told him it makes me feel like a control freak, a boss, and a nag. He tells me he needs that, and appreciates that I keep him on track. It's a joke that I am always right, and I asked him once if it bothered him, he said it was comforting. Things like buying my own B-day present, and making up the grocery list with no help bother me. The grocery thing bothers me a lot because I spend time trying to keep us organized and budgeted, and then he wants to eat out every day, or eat junk, and things go to waste costing us even MORE money. He doesn't even guilt or pester, but I feel bad saying no about even small things, because I want him to be happy. Like a spoiled child. 

I want him to step up, and take care of ME for once. When my dog got cancer this year and we had to put her down, it was only a month after he lost his mother, so he took it very hard. It actually made me angry, because she was MY dog and truly, I loved her like a child (since we wont be having human children). He cried hard, and I had to drive home. I didn't get a chance to grieve because we had a new puppy and I had to take care of her, plus calm his panic attacks caused from the added stress. That was actually a year ago next week. All this anger and resentment had been building. I want to be taken care of for once in my life. When we got married, I wasn't even 17 yet, and I was already paying the bills from my dad checks, doing the chores, cooking, and shopping. Maybe I really have changed more than he has.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just for a change of scenery and so you can collect your thoughts...is there any way you can slip off for a 4 day weekend with a sister or a trusted friend who will listen to you and help you make a game plan?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just for a change of scenery and so you can collect your thoughts...is there any way you can slip off for a 4 day weekend with a sister or a trusted friend who will listen to you and help you make a game plan?


Yes I was going to suggest the same. It really sounds like you need a break from him to sort your head out.

To me he sounds like a 'Peter Pan' type of guy and that you were probably more mature to start with and have continued to grow and mature...sadly he sounds like he hasn't.

Personally his behaviour would be driving me mad... I certainly don't think you're overreacting or out of line and it's no surprise you're not sexually attracted to him at the moment...what is attractive about what you have described! 

Your situation has a parent/child sound to it.... is that how it feels?


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Forever Me said:


> Thank you all for your replies, they are helping me think of things that come in and out of my head quickly, and are helping me focus on what some of the actual problems are.
> 
> I think the comment about feeling like he is a child killing my attraction to him is really spot on. I hate having to remind him of things, and make his appointments, check on every little thing like he is a child. I told him it makes me feel like a control freak, a boss, and a nag. He tells me he needs that, and appreciates that I keep him on track. It's a joke that I am always right, and I asked him once if it bothered him, he said it was comforting. Things like buying my own B-day present, and making up the grocery list with no help bother me. The grocery thing bothers me a lot because I spend time trying to keep us organized and budgeted, and then he wants to eat out every day, or eat junk, and things go to waste costing us even MORE money. He doesn't even guilt or pester, but I feel bad saying no about even small things, because I want him to be happy. Like a spoiled child.
> 
> I want him to step up, and take care of ME for once. When my dog got cancer this year and we had to put her down, it was only a month after he lost his mother, so he took it very hard. It actually made me angry, because she was MY dog and truly, I loved her like a child (since we wont be having human children). He cried hard, and I had to drive home. I didn't get a chance to grieve because we had a new puppy and I had to take care of her, plus calm his panic attacks caused from the added stress. That was actually a year ago next week. All this anger and resentment had been building. I want to be taken care of for once in my life. When we got married, I wasn't even 17 yet, and I was already paying the bills from my dad checks, doing the chores, cooking, and shopping. Maybe I really have changed more than he has.


Do you tell him things and he interprets the completely differently? Do feel inadequate, as though you are never able to please him?


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