# On The Lighter Side - Share Your Marriage Humor



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

I thought it'd be fun to take a short break from all the "heavy issues" and poke a little fun at marriage by sharing a little humor.

I'll start it off and then you can add any stories, witty sayings, quotes, jokes or whatever makes you smile!  Here goes ...

-------------------------------------------------------------------

1.) Someone once said that love is blind ... but marriage is a real eye opener! 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

2.) You may have heard the old physics question: "If a tree falls in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it - did it really make a sound?"

Well along the same lines: "If a man makes a statement, and his wife isn't there to hear it - is he still wrong?" :lol:

-------------------------------------------------------------------

3.) My friend at church told me, "When my wife and I got married 12 years ago we agreed that I'd make all the major decisions and she'd make all the minor ones ... well in 12 years we haven't had to make a major decision yet!" :scratchhead:

-------------------------------------------------------------------

OK there's a few for starters - do you have any you'd like to share? (Keep it clean please).


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Some say marriage is a blessed institution....
_But really who wants to live in an institution_?


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Some say marriage is a blessed institution....
> _But really who wants to live in an institution_?


Good point - but a _blessed_ one might work!


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Marriage is grand. Divorce is ten grand.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

What food makes a women stop having sex with her man?

Wedding cake!


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Q. Why does the Bible say a man is to have only one wife?

A. Because no man can serve two masters.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Chinese confusious say
man who fights with wife all day, gets no p#ssy at night


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Marriage is grand. Divorce is ten grand.


This one made me laugh, thank God I'm not divorced
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

"No, I've never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage, but," she said, "I did think of murder a few times"


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Rodney Dangerfield jokes:

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

The world is ruled by man...and the man, by woman !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Two blondes chatting.
1St : ". Dear, do you talk to your husband while making love ?"
2nd: " . Yes, if he calls me ! "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Two guys at a bar. 
1st : " Yo, man, do you have naked pictures of your wife ? "
2nd: " No. "
1st: " .And, don't you want some ?!? "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Two drunk blondes in a bar. 
1st : " you see those two men over there? Well, tell you a secret..the one at the right is my husband, and the one at the left is my lover . "
2nd : (confused) " How strange...in my case, it's exactly the opposite..."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Vrs said:


> Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. 

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. 

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

A wife becomes a "SEX OBJECT" when every time the husband asks for sex ... She objects.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Not a saying but while watch Sister wives my wife said;

How would you like to have sister wives?

I said what man could stand that much correction!


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

3 types of married sex. 

Household sex:
When you first get married you will make love anytime anywhere in the whole house. 

Bedroom sex:
After a few years you keep the sex confined to the bedroom. 

Hallway sex:
After many years of marriage, you pass each other in the hall and say "f-you" "f-you".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Nancy Astor: I married beneath me. All women do

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same

It doesn't much matter who one marries, for the next morning one is sure to find it was someone else

It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job. 
It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh. 
It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie. 
It is important to find a woman who is loving and tender 
AND VITAL THAT THESE FOUR WOMEN NEVER MEET. 

An English professor wrote the words: 
" A woman without her man is nothing" 
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote : 
"A woman, without her man, is nothing." 
All the females in the class wrote : 
"A woman: without her, man is nothing." 
Punctuation is powerful!


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks it on their trolley. 
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!" he explains.
"Put them back. We can't afford it!" insists the wife and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it on their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, indignantly.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
So the man replies: "SO DO TWELVE CANS OF BEER . . . AND THEY'RE HALF THE PRICE!"


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> "No, I've never thought of divorce in all these 35 years of marriage, but," she said, "I did think of murder a few times"


Reminds me of:
"Some people are alive only because I could not afford a HITMAN"


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Marriage is the number one cause of divorce


----------



## Camarillo Brillo (Oct 10, 2012)




----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, that is LOVE. . After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Wife: " Honey, what are you doing? You' ve been looking at out wedding certificate for an hour ! "
Hubby ( preoccupied ) : " I can't find the expiration date ! "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Husband comes home after work and finds his wife on the couch, watching a cooking program on tv. He blurts : " Why are you watching that all the time ? It helps you with nothing, your cooking's still bad..."
Wife : " So what ? Don't you watch porn ?? "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Husband is playing video games. His wife, naked in front of the mirror : " oh my god, i look horrible ! I have cellulite, i'm so fat..." 
Silence. He keeps playing his game. 
" You know, a compliment would make me feel better..."
Husband : " well, your sight is still excellent..."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

A young man, on a visit to his beloved's father, asks for her hand
" Sir, i came here tonight to humbly ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."
Her father: " hmm, i don't know...have you spoken to my wife too?"
" I have, sir, but still, my first choice is your daughter..."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Husband is playing video games. His wife, naked in front of the mirror : " oh my god, i look horrible ! I have cellulite, i'm so fat..."
> Silence. He keeps playing his game.
> " You know, a compliment would make me feel better..."
> Husband : " well, your sight is still excellent..."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yeah ... now there's something that would start a new conversation. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Here's another one:

The 'not so good with pick up lines' guy asked , "*I've always heard it was impolite to ask a woman their age, so what's your weight?*"


----------



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've _never before heard_ -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. 

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.


----------



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Her job is to *****. My job is to give her a reason.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Vrs said:


> Yeah ... now there's something that would start a new conversation.
> 
> -------------------------------------------------------
> 
> ...


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

A couple has been married for 50 years. One day, the man dies. The wife lives a few more years , then dies too. She goes to heaven and she sees her husband : " my darling, we shall be together for eternity !"
Husband: " lady, leave me alone. The contract stated clearly: until death do us part ! "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

A judge tells a man "I'm gonna give your wife a thousand dollars a month child support

The husband replies "that's great judge I'll try to help her out when I can too"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Lol...i would replace the word" marriage" with " sex" on this one. But funny anyway )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Husband goes away to do his military service. When he comes back, his wife is pregnant. As soon as he sees her, he goes ballistic, starts to scream, to make a scene. His wife assures him that the baby is his: " . I've got busy with your photo...you know, the framed one i keep by the b
edside"
Husband eventually buys the explanation. They reach home, have dinner, it's bed time. Suddenly the man sees the photo in cause and slaps his wife. " lying ***** ! I'm only until the chest in this photo !!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

*This is a true story ...*

Several years ago a book was written by Dr. Alan Francis entitled "Everything Men Know About Women"

Here were some of the reviews:

--------------------------------------------------

Fully reveals the shocking truth! --Daily News

* A landmark book completely revised and updated to reveal what men really know about the opposite sex.

In a little more than 100 pages, Dr. Alan Francis distills years of research and thousands of interviews to reveal the most comprehensive understanding of men's knowledge and understanding of the opposite sex in Everything Men Know About Women.

* Fiercely frank and insightfully funny, Dr. Francis literally spells out everything men know on topics ranging from making friends with women to satisfying women in bed. To quote directly from famed Dr. Francis, men already know, about women and this book will teach them.

------------------------------------------------

The kicker?

Uhhh, when you open the cover *the pages are all BLANK!*

:rofl: :smthumbup: :lol:


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

BTW - you can get that book on Amazon

Amazon.com: everything men know about women

I picked it up for my wife at a garage sale. She loved it - one of her favorite books! :scratchhead:


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

1.) A man engaged is incomplete until he's married ... then he's finished! 

2.) The thing I miss most about being single is being able to finish my own sentences. :smthumbup:

3.) A woman posted an ad on Craigslist saying, "Husband wanted". Next day she got 150 emails all saying "You can have mine."


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Vrs said:


> 1.) A man engaged is incomplete until he's married ... then he's finished!
> 
> 2.) The thing I miss most about being single is being able to finish my own sentences. :smthumbup:
> 
> 3.) A woman posted an ad on Craigslist saying, "Husband wanted". Next day she got 150 emails all saying "You can have mine."



Reminds me of : " Photo ad in the newspaper : LOST WIFE. WHOEVER FOUND HER...KEEP HER ! "


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

The definition of the perfect woman : LADY on the street, HOUSEWIFE in the kitchen, and SLT in bed !


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

PLEASE READ RULES FOR MEN
1. Please don't talk to my breasts. You won't be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men. Always.
4. My sexual preference is NO.
5. My body is a temple, now get on your knees and pray.
6. I'm 51 % a love goddess, 49% B!tch
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.
8. Remember, you horny dirty guy, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.
9. Men are like hadwood floors, lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable doll. 

Lols at # 1, 2, 3, 4 , 9 ,10


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Some more :

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face eachother, but they stay together.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candle light, dinner, soft music, dancing..she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

The rings of marriage are : the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

I didn't marry my husband for his money : I divorced him for it !

I am a marvelous housekeeper: everytime I marry a man, I keep his house.

My husband and I divorced for religious reasons: he thought he was God, I didn't.

In my house, I am the boss; my wife is just the decision- maker.

Whatever you look like, marry a man of your own age: as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the one you think you can't live without.

I got rid of my husband - the cat was allergic.

Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gets her master degree.

A woman works years to change her husband, then she complains he's not the man she married.

Funniest contradicting phrases:
Clearly misunderstood
Exact estimate
Small crowd
Found missing
Happily married

My wife treats me like God: she takes very little notice of my existence unless she wants something.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence. ( a life sentence )

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person got, you wish you had ordered that instead.

Eighty percent of married people cheat in America. The rest, they cheat in Europe.

At a ****tail party, one woman says to another : "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replies : " Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


----------



## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Husband goes out drinking with his friends after work. His wife is ok with this but tells him to be home by midnight. He stays out until 3am and is pretty wasted when he gets home. Knowing his wife will wake up when he comes in, he devises a brilliant plan. 
"When the cuckoo clock sounds 3 times I'll cuckoo 9 more times and she'll think it's midnight."
He enters the house just as the clock is starting to cuckoo. Still in awe of his clever plan, he misses the final cuckoo but quickly recovers. 
The next morning he asks his wife how she slept. 
She says, "Great, but I think the clock is broken."
When he nervously asks why, she replies "Well at 3 this morning, it sounded 3 times, then said 's#@t!', sounded 5 more times, tripped over the coffee table and started snoring."


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Husband comes home drunk at 2 am. Wife opens the door, he throws up on the carpet and passes out. He wakes up after a few hours, with a headache. It is dawn, and he finds a trey with warm breakfast and a note : "My dear husband, enjoy the breakfast in bed that I prepared for you with love. I am gone to work, see you later, xoxox, your wife ."
Surprised, the man goes to the kitchen and sees his son getting ready for school. The last thing he remembers is throwing up on the carpet, but the carpet is clean. He questions the boy:
"What happened last night?"
"Aaa, you come home drunk at 2 in the morning and awoke the entire house. Then you vomited on the carpet and you fainted. And mom had to pull you until the bed. "
"And then?"
"Then, she wanted to take off your pants, but you said: Madame, leave me alone. I'm a married man..."


----------

