# Can't seem to file...what is wrong with me?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I've told my story here enough times. H. 3 year PA, no real remorse, verbal abuse, pitting son against me when I was there. I left the house, my nerves gave in, kids chose him as he convinced them that I was an abandoner who wouldn't give them money on demand. He tells them when I don't accommodate his money requests, and they can't stand me for stressing out their dad with a heart problem. They have sent some horrible texts to me. Son told me I could kill myself for my b-day last fall. 

I've seen so many T's, spoken to my MD, friends, family members. They all say he is cruel and manipulative. And I still CAN'T fill out the D paperwork.



Being part of a family and now being alone. The silence. Shopping alone, going out alone. Tried a bit of dating but it does not take the place of my kids in my life or help. 


It's been a year last week since I left. He wants me to come back, but he has lied so much, twisted the kids against me, even when I lived there. But I was 18 when we got together, it was not all bad. We had normal times. He estranged me from my family through some bad behavior years ago. 

My friends are sick of me and my indecision and so am I. 

He says I am depressed and how can I chose to sit alone and not try for the sake of the kids. Now he has stopped emailing which scares me as well. 

What is wrong with me?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I am familiar with your story and in a nutshell you have been experiencing the equivalent of psychological warfare for a very long time. It’s like torture, only the wounds are on your psyche. At this point you are most likely paralyzed by fear; fear of the situation continuing to escalate if you “up the ante” by filing for divorce.

There is nothing wrong with you. Your reaction is normal. Be kind to yourself, learn to self-sooth and/or meditate. Do things in your own time and in your own way. When you are ready, find a good and confident lawyer who will fight for you and shield you from your husband’s vitriol. Learn and live “the 180” in regards to your husband.

I am experiencing a similar situation at the moment and it helps me to imagine my husband as a 2-year-old wearing a onesie and having a tantrum. Because that is exactly what he is doing, having physical/verbal tantrums, stomping and throwing things around, all while holding onto the “victim chair” with both hands. Not exactly adult behavior is it? 

You will heal given time and so will your children.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Do you have children?

Are you separated?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Indiecat, have you cosiderd a polygraph to give you peace of mind?

for what I see much of the problem is that he keep playing the good guy, telling your kids and you that he never had an affair with her.

he have repeated the story so many times and have played his part as victim so well that even your kids believe it, maybe that is why you hasitate and as you may also have begin to believe it.

tell him to take a polygraph, all of us knows that he will fail but that maybe will even help you to settle your mind and also showing your kids how you were right about him all along.

if he refuses then you have your answer and you should also tell your kids about it.

(if he is honest about wanting chance and not having anything physical with her then he should pass wiht flying colors and be aeger to prove it to you right?)


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Do you have children?
> 
> Are you separated?


Yes (one DD21) and Yes.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Indiecat, IMO most likely it is the depression that is causing your inability to act. You need to try to honestly acknowledge that. The disease is in control. If you let it win, you will be stuck here in never-going-to-take-action land. You will not file, you will not end it, you will not reconcile, you will not move on.
That is just too sad.
I know you are taking anti-depressants. Are you in counseling? Do you meditate? Do you exercise? Even a thirty minute walk will help your psyche. Force yourself to do these things for yourself. Perhaps then you will be in a better place.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I am in counseling, they do say to file asap. 

The disease is in control, it has been since dd and I moved out the first time. The isolation brought it out, for the first time ever. 

I try to meditate. 

He sends me stuff now about how bad our 22 ds's chest is. Just to make me feel guilty. Son just left yesterday for a week long visit to a friends cottage, so how bad could his chest be? 

He sent me some cruel things like 'I guess you were just not cut out to be a wife or mother'. And 'you're losing your kids every day you are away'. And 'you left stay away, you've caused the kids enough harm'. This is mixed with 'come back it's horrible without you'. 

It was his cheating and triangulation our son against me that made me leave. My son was having terrible tantrums against me. And h was setting them up. MC's told him to not do that. But he still did. 

I'm so sick/ 

I don't know if he would take a polygraph or where that would be done? It won't do anything about his tendency to lie. 

He now says the aids test was done for my benefit only, and he never slept with the OW. He also says I doctored the emails in which he proposed marriage to her and planned their honeymoon. 

I am very sick. 

Even his own aunt said he's always been 'sick' and was cruel as a boy.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am sorry for your situation and for your pain. Are you seeing a counselor or a Pastor? Isolation is a killer in these times and finding the support of a group of people is a good way to persevere. I hope things change soon.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I do see a counselor and my MD,

thank you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a truly sick man. A 3 YEAR PA??? And he has the nerve to turn on you this way and lie?? You need to get PISSED! Big time, blinding, all consuming PISSED! Anger can be your biggest ally when it comes to moving forward. Find it. Embrace it. Divorce this piece of sh!t and dont look back.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

3X you are right. I am stuck in guilt, for trying another 3 years despite the lack of true remorse, and the tricks he has played to turn the kids against me. 

I can't seem to find my anger. It's like all the stuffing has been taken out of me. 

He knows my weak spot is the kids. I love them so dearly and it is so painful that they think I am cheap and gave up on them. I moved 6 blocks away and welcomed them! How is that turning away?


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

indiecat said:


> 3X you are right. I am stuck in guilt, for trying another 3 years despite the lack of true remorse, and the tricks he has played to turn the kids against me.
> 
> I can't seem to find my anger. It's like all the stuffing has been taken out of me.
> 
> He knows my weak spot is the kids. I love them so dearly and it is so painful that they think I am cheap and gave up on them. I moved 6 blocks away and welcomed them! How is that turning away?


You need to stop worrying about them. You need to put yourself first. Your kids or ex don't need to tell you how to run your own life. You do not need to have any approval from them.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I don't know how to put myself first. It's been a year. I f'd up so badly by leaving the house. Now he's turned it all on me that I walked. 

I could not stand the mental pressure. I feel a horrible desire to return, even though he has sent me some very vile emails now saying there was no affair, no confession to our priest, that I was head injured in my car accident in 2004 and he had the paperwork to prove it. He alternates these emails with ones about how kids are damaged by a broken home and how I must meet my obligation to my kids by returning and trying to work it out. He'll say 'come home' and it breaks my heart. But when I do things like not give him what he wants money wise he says he'll make sure to tell the kids. He's turned down 15 K. Just won't take it. I have no idea why. He gets $4500 a month as it is and spends every dime. And this is with a home in which I paid off the mortgage. 

Wish I would not wake up in the mornings. I can't take the pressure.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

I asked you this once before Indie: if you did return to the house, do you think everything would magically get better? Do you think your H would stop with the verbal and mental abuse? Do you think your kids would suddenly become paragons of respect and love?

Of course not. They would all view you as an even bigger doormat than ever.

I'm no therapist, but I think you have to take a radical approach and pretty much go no contact, period. File for D. Pay them what is mandated by the courts and no more. Allow your children to come to you. Get a restraining order if you must. Have someone you trust screen your emails and letters, to filter out legitimate business from bullspit abuse and harassment. I know it would be agony to be NC with your children but you know, at this point, I think you have done all you can and they are a legal adult and nearly one, so they have to figure out their father's psychosis for themselves. Either they will or they won't. And even if you could be more involved as a force of good in their lives, you are in no shape to do so. Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting your children; otherwise, you are no good to anyone.

Try to do something self-affirming every day, even if it is as small as taking a 20-minute walk. Something that makes you feel better about yourself. Treat yourself as a good person worthy of respect. If you do that, eventually you'll start feeling like you are that person, and pretty soon, you'll start acting like it too.

As always, wishing you luck, sister.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Yes. I agree with you totally.

He sounds like an abusive man. Hire a lawyer and let the court decide re. asset divisions. You ought to get some support from some organisations dealing with domestic abuse.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, I wonder if the new anti-depressant is making me worse. I've been to the abused women's center, they say he meets all the criteria. 

He allowed our son's gf to move in, she is a rude 22 year old woman. When I was living there I insisted she pay room and board since she works. Ex informed me yesterday that she is now allowed to pay nothing. This was something I insisted on, I did not want her shacking up with my son to begin with, and now I am helping to pay for it. 

I have to go N/C or I'll go even crazier.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Go NC for a little while. After a week, write a letter to your son. Let him know you love him, but there are aspects to the marriage he doesn't know and doesn't need to know. That you need some time away from your husband. That once you have regained your bearings you really want to have a relationship with him. But only him, that he shouldn't let Dad use him as a proxy to contact you. 

Then go NC again for as long as it takes to get angry.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The kids are close enough to being adults that they are responsible for making their own choices. They choose to believe him. Or are they afraid of him?

I agree with no contact. If the kids are going to send rude texts you can block them. 

Set up something with a lawyer that plus money into an account that is administered by someone else for the younger one. Cut your husband our entirely. The older one is in school still or working?

Deal with your legal obligations and nothing more. Your kids will either wise up and beg forgiveness one day or not. You can't fix them. So take care of you!!!!


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Thanks, I wonder if the new anti-depressant is making me worse. I've been to the abused women's center, they say he meets all the criteria.


Hi indie

I do recall seeing some very insightful posts of yours not that I have noticed much lately. 

You probably need a therapy for abused women who do not seem to be able to cut any ties from an abuser/dominator over so many years. Hope the abused women's centre would give you more practical support e.g. legal, therapy, support etc. Sounds like you need it. 

Anti-depressant - it could be something making you worse. Perhaps, it's affecting your abilities to think clearly and act appropriately.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

The older one is in college, the younger in high school. 

I feel really bad I was the one to leave the family home, I just can't get over the guilt of doing that. 

But I could not take being bullied by husband and son any longer. I am sad that my son has taken on these characteristics. 

I blame myself for staying after h's 3 year PA, something was broken in me by that that never mended. 

He torments me by telling how my dd is having sleepovers and has a new skate board. I have to go NC or return and just give up and give in to them having the upper hand. 

Maybe it's the meds

The kids aren't afraid of him, he buys them everything and they don't have to use their own money for anything.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It is a shame they can be bought.

Let them go.

They know the truth inside. They will spend years in therapy later in life dealing with their own guilt.

Pray for them. Love them from afar. But don't beat yourself up. There is no benefit being away from him if you are just going to fill in for him.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's true, I can beat myself up mentally as well as he can. A little voice says to me, maybe he is right and I am crazy. I ran a successful business for 22 years, so how crazy can I be? 

I'm petrified of being alone. I don't think I can make it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

indiecat said:


> It's true, I can beat myself up mentally as well as he can. A little voice says to me, maybe he is right and I am crazy. I ran a successful business for 22 years, so how crazy can I be?
> 
> I'm petrified of being alone. I don't think I can make it.


Of COURSE you can make it! He is an ass and your kids have become his puppets! Now get off the pity pot, tell him to go to hell, and file for divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Of course you can make it on your own! You've run a business for 22 years! 

Seriously, being on your own with NC with the toxic individuals in your life will be a walk in a park compared to the hell they've been inflicting on you. Just IMHO...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I'll be moving out of the area soon, it's too hard being close to the family home and surroundings. 
3 more weeks.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

indiecat said:


> I don't know how to put myself first. It's been a year. I f'd up so badly by leaving the house. Now he's turned it all on me that I walked.
> 
> I could not stand the mental pressure. I feel a horrible desire to return, even though he has sent me some very vile emails now saying there was no affair, no confession to our priest, that I was head injured in my car accident in 2004 and he had the paperwork to prove it. He alternates these emails with ones about how kids are damaged by a broken home and how I must meet my obligation to my kids by returning and trying to work it out. He'll say 'come home' and it breaks my heart. But when I do things like not give him what he wants money wise he says he'll make sure to tell the kids. He's turned down 15 K. Just won't take it. I have no idea why. He gets $4500 a month as it is and spends every dime. And this is with a home in which I paid off the mortgage.
> 
> Wish I would not wake up in the mornings. I can't take the pressure.


This is all deflection and blameshifting. 
Obviously he is a manipulative man and will do whatever he can to poison your kids.
BUT...behaviors like his will always break down and the kids will see that he is a manipulator.
I agree with the above that you need to do the 180 and file.
The reason you cant file is because he has beaten you down so badly.
He has you doubting YOURSELF.

Even his sister agrees.
Its time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with things.
Dont let him ruin the rest of your life.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks. I have to accept things as they are. This is the hard part. To be alone after being part of a family so long. 

I appreciate everyones support. I am really afraid.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's okay to be afraid.


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## hesitationmarks (Jan 30, 2014)

Acoa said:


> It's okay to be afraid.


Go get into another relationship, an infatuation, it worked for me, forgot about my STBXW in about 10-seconds once I found I really liked this girl. It's awesome. Hopefully she won't bail on me too soon. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You said you ding think you can make it alone but you are already doing that. Give yourself the credit you are due!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I stay mostly with my mother and cant work as my anxiety is so bad.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You left. You found an alternative. Most people would have stayed.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

why would most have stayed?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Most people are more afraid of change and being alone than they are of being abused, neglected, living with an addict or someone with a personality defect. Keeping up appearances, not having to sacrifice economically, living on hope... Giving up hope and feeling powerless....

Lots of reasons.

People stay in horrible situations because at least they know the situation. The unknown is scarier.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I agree, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You were decieved and manipulated. You took your time making a very difficult choice that had a huge impact on your life. 

You are going to be sad, you suffered a huge loss. It's okay to morn over it. That loss will always be there. As you move on it will become smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror as you start to move ahead. 

You have to make a choice now. What do you want to be when you grow up? (again). That is scary. It's also okay to be pissed off about having to rebuild. You did this once already, and through no fault of your own, you are going to have to do it all over again. 

But.. you can't move on until you pick a direction. So, that loss is still sitting next to you. Be careful not to get stuck in it. Get help. Posting here is a part. But get individual conselling, find a smart friend to confide in and bounce ideas off (someone non-judgmental, and not a romantic interest). 

Face down your anxiety. Look deep, figure out the source. I could guess it's fear of the future, and the choices you need to make. Fear of making the same mistakes over again. Totally normal. But you are smart. You won't make those mistakes. Just remember the signs. You know better now how to spot trouble before it even happens. Trust your gut on that. You are way ahead of most of the popluation because of your experiences.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I've started the paperwork. It is very sad to tear apart 30 years of a marriage. 

My MD today told me NOT to return, that h is manipulative and the damage is done with the kids for now. 

Not a good week. Dd turns 15 and I'll be missing the birthday for the first time. 

Son sent a text saying he needs tuition money, and by the way I ruined his g.d. life. And he said 'here's a hint, treat dad the way you want your kids to treat you'.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're doing the right thing. Your STBX blew up the marriage long ago; you're just formalizing it. 

As far as your kids to, especially your son. I'd do the absolute minimum you're required to do while you're being treated with disrespect. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I've started the paperwork. It is very sad to tear apart 30 years of a marriage.
> 
> My MD today told me NOT to return, that h is manipulative and the damage is done with the kids for now.
> 
> ...


Wow, he has your kids completely snowed. What a shame. Good for you for moving forward, and keep in mind that YOU are not the one who tore this apart.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I would seriously block your son. Tell him to get a job.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I texted dd and asked to take her out for lunch for her bday this Saturday. She said only if dad could come along. I told her I wanted it to be a mother/daughter lunch. She said 'aren't we still family here and don't bury everyone into the ground like you've forgotten about them". I told her that I text her and seldom hear back. She said 'no I mean everyone else. Your losing your son and you don't even care to see him!!?". I said that is not the case, I would very much like to see my son. 
Then she again asks, 'why can't dad come then". 

I just said 'a mother/daughter lunch would give us a chance to catch up. I will be meeting with you dad in a couple of weeks'. 

She didn't reply. 

I am so beyond frustrated and just want to give up and go the hell back. He wins. I can't take the kids hating me. The games, they just go on and on. 


I sit all alone anyway. He's made it so it's all or nothing. And it's very lonely and grim out here.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't give in


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

indiecat said:


> I am so beyond frustrated and just want to give up and go the hell back. He wins. *I can't take the kids hating me.* The games, they just go on and on.


I will repeat the question I have asked before: if you went back now, do you think the kids would magically start treating you better the moment you came home?

No, they wouldn't. They would treat you with contempt and continue to walk all over you, because by returning you show that you are willing to put up with anything to be in their lives. They won't respect you until you respect yourself. Neither will your H.

Your son is an adult. Your daughter is on the cusp of adulthood. You did the best you can as a parent but if they want to fill their lives with victim-hood, that's their call, and they have to live in the pit of their own bitter misery. You can mourn their bad choices but you do not have to leap into the pit after them.

You deserve better than this but until you truly start believing it, Indie, you will continue to place yourself at their mercy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I texted dd and asked to take her out for lunch for her bday this Saturday. She said only if dad could come along. I told her I wanted it to be a mother/daughter lunch. She said 'aren't we still family here and don't bury everyone into the ground like you've forgotten about them". I told her that I text her and seldom hear back. She said 'no I mean everyone else. Your losing your son and you don't even care to see him!!?". I said that is not the case, I would very much like to see my son.
> Then she again asks, 'why can't dad come then".
> 
> I just said 'a mother/daughter lunch would give us a chance to catch up. I will be meeting with you dad in a couple of weeks'.
> ...


When she stupidly asks WHY you dont want dad along, TELL HER! Say it: "Your dad and I are no longer together, and I do not want to spend time with him!" Stop cowering from your children and stand up for yourself! You have nothing to lose at this point since he has them so brainwashed. Maybe they will gain a little respect for you. And even if they dont, then maybe doing so will help you gain some respect for YOURSELF. 

Hell, I will come file the divorce papers FOR YOU.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I did tell her that, her dad and I are not together, and I wanted one on one time with her. 

She said 'she knows dad has done some bad things, but don't I believe in forgiveness'. I said I do not dislike her dad but we are separated.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

indiecat said:


> I did tell her that, her dad and I are not together, and I wanted one on one time with her.
> 
> She said 'she knows dad has done some bad things, but don't I believe in forgiveness'. I said I do not dislike her dad but we are separated.


He is using them against you. Tell her "that is between your father and myself."
Be strong.
Eventually he will show them his true colors.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your relationship with their dad is none of their business. As long as you are doing no harm, they need to stay out of it.


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. You do realize that your kids WILL see the truth someday? They will. And when they do, make sure they also look back to the mom who stood strong, who loved them unconditionally, and respected herself. You CAN do this. Set the example. Block your azzhat husband..go dark...SET THE EXAMPLE for your kids....be yourself, not the person your kids are being told you are...they WILL figure it out someday, we all do, I promise. You CAN do this


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks. 

At times I just want to be with my kids, then I try to remind myself of all the reasons I left.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your children are on his side. So save yourself. File.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Indie, you know where I stand. 3x said it, too - the kids won't respect you if you go back. They will walk all over you and have you cowering for their approval, accepting their tidbits while they sneer at you. You won't have them back, you'll only be in closer physical proximitiy. You won't mean more to them, they won't love you more.

Your son is getting more like his father and is likely to be a full blown narc before long. Your daughter at least gets that Dad did do something bad. I think she will come around eventually. It might be after she is 18. Remember - narcs need 'food'. As long as he is preoccupied with using them to make you pay and to make him feel superior, the status quo will be maintained. But once she moves out, he will turn on her. Any time she stands up for you, he will turn on her. At some point she will be the recipient of his venom. You will be there for her. 

I'm glad you filed. Go through with it. Channel your apathy into anger and fight for your rights (financially - you know how badly he's screwing you over - hire a forensic CPA).


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