# Confused and hurting



## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

Looking for advice or to simply vent, I’m not sure what is up or down anymore and feel like I’m at my wits ends.
2 yrs ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional affair. I noticed her acting distant, locked cell phone etc… One day I found her phone unlocked and discovered some e-mails between her and a co-worker. Apparently they had kissed for the first time which happened to be within hours of me reading the email. I confronted her and we both cried and she said how sorry she was but she was completely numb in our relationship. We both didn’t want the relationship to end, so we started going to counseling. 
While in counseling she revealed her unhappiness in our marriage and how I have disappointed her. I never talked about my feelings and how I was so independent that it made her feel unloved and unappreciated or unwanted. Of course hearing this just broke my heart how she felt this way and could never tell me or that I couldn’t hear her cry for help so to speak. She really shut down during her pregnancy to our first and only child. She was really hurt that I didn’t show any interest in reading any of the baby books or go through the experience with her. She stated how I would never show any kind of intimacy unless it lead to sex. Mind you, we only had sex once or twice during her pregnancy. Sex only twice in 9 months and I never complained. My mother came to visit after our son was born and a situation presented itself where I failed to stand up for my wife’s wishes. One of my issues is I do not handle confrontations well. As a result, she felt all alone and that’s when she completely shut down. I understood and got where she was coming from and felt like a big ass for my behavior or lack of. I forgave her for this mishap and truly understood why it happened. She couldn’t quit her job due to the economy and lack of jobs available. We came to an understanding that she would only converse with this co-worker on business matters only; nothing personal or outside of office and that she would be completely transparent. I know, this sounds so stupid as I’m writing this. WTF was I thinking…. 
Fast forward a few months. One Friday morning (around July 4) we got into an argument over something stupid, but we both left for work pretty heated. That afternoon I logged into her e-mail account and found an e-mail from her to this co-worker with lyrics from a country love song (you say it best when you say nothing at all). I immediately called her on the phone and confronted her about this. She again, stated how sorry she was and it was a mistake. I left, moved into a hotel for a few days to allow us to think with a clear head. She confessed that she didn’t want to end this relationship with the co-worker because she was still numb and she liked the feeling she got from him. Basically, she didn’t believe that I could change. Several months later I found IM’s between them with dates ranging from when I first discovered the affair up to the date I moved into a hotel, (April – July). Of course I read the IM’s and soon realized this was much more than an emotional affair. She had always told me they only kissed twice. I was reading of times when they would leave for lunch together and sit in a car and “talk”. He mentioned how he needs to buy one of those windshield sun shades for his truck so they can have privacy. Two IM’s are stuck in my head; 
1) she said she wished he could meet her father cuz her father would really like him, 
2) she wrote “you better give it to me nice and hard today”.
I confronted her on these IM’s and she “promised” they never actually had sex. She claims they talked about it a lot but could never go through with it. Of course I don’t believe her. One thing I need to mention is, this co-worker is married and his wife was pregnant during their little escapade. 

Between July 4th and today I have found out that she continues to see this guy outside of work. Lunch with other co-workers where he comes along etc... She says they are never alone and things are different now. She doesn’t look at him the same way and see’s him for what he was; a distraction. I told her that this was not acceptable and how can she continue this and this guy needs to be removed from her life. She stated what does it matter if I don’t look at him that way anymore. I told her it matters to me so it should matter to you. Well a month ago I saw an email between her and a different co-worker about meeting up for lunch. She informed this person to try a different week when the “affair co-worker” can join them. Of course my initial reaction was WTF!!! I asked her about the email and why she is planning lunch with this guy. She said she was not planning on it and that he is always invited and she didn’t want to seem weird around the other co-workers, especially since they don’t know about the affair. Of course I didn’t believe her and found out where they were meeting for lunch. Feeling like a complete idiot, I drove to the restaurant and parked my car and waited for her to show up. I saw her walk into the restaurant alone and thought to myself “she really gets it now”. As I was leaving the parking lot, I noticed her car was not there. So I drove back to the parking spot and sat there for over an hour waiting for her to leave. There was only supposed to be 3 of them. Well 4 walked out and my wife jumped into this “affair co-workers” truck, alone, just the two of them!! I was furious!!! I immediately texted her “you look stunning in that blue truck”. 
I feel like a complete looser and feel I have been made a fool and taken advantage of. Of course, as usual we talked everything out and went to an emergency counseling session. She gave me some lame ass excuse about how she freaked out last minute (deer in headlights freak out) when the “affair co-worker” approached her in the office parking lot asking if she’s ready to go to lunch. She claimed she felt put on the spot and panicked and jumped into his truck without thinking. Now, my only mistake in this situation was, I should have waited to confront her to see if she would have come clean. I doubt it she would have, but you never know.
I feel like I’m losing my mind. The thought of another man raising my son just kills me, especially since I was raised with divorced parents. I love my wife deeply, but I can’t live with being lied to and taken advantage of any longer. She agreed to leave her job, but has yet to begin looking. I don’t think she has any intensions on leaving due to this guy. She states over and over, she does not look at him in that way anymore, but I don’t understand why she continues to disrespect me. More important, why do I continue to let her?!?
Things are not the same between us anymore. Sex is non-existent and not much intimacy. She said she loves me but not in love with me and doesn’t look at me with those feelings any longer.
I’m trying everything to save this family. I don’t act like the emotionless person I used to, but still have room for improvement. We communicate so much better than we ever have, but things are not the same between us anymore. Sex is non-existent and not much intimacy. She said she loves me but not in love with me and doesn’t look at me with those feelings any longer. I’m afraid the damage is done and she is too far gone.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

No disrespect, can you repost but with breaks in the lines, my eyes are drifting from one sentence to another and going blurry.
Thanks


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. She is lieing to you and has lied to you. Understand she has been developing her own fantasy land with this other man.
2. She is having sex with the man quoteshe wrote “you better give it to me nice and hard today”.
Sorry do not care what she said no one says that to another unless they are doing it. You cannot actually believe that she wrote that and it is a joke?
3. Need to prepare yourself 
4. Do the 180
5. Seperate your finances
6. Expose the OM to the OMW
7. Expose the affair to your wife's workplace
8. Expose the affair to her parents, your parents etc.
9. Get tested for STDs
10. Tell her you want a polygraph and see what her reaction is.
11. Have her write a NC Letter.
12. Get an attorney and start the paperwork.

Sorry you are here, but you need to get out of the pause mode and Protect yourself and your child.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

For starters you should get a STD testing done. You don't have the slightest clue on who or how many guys she's been banging over the years.


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## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

Yea, I feel the same way. I'm simply in denial


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

beach said:


> Yea, I feel the same way. I'm simply in denial


That's natural.
Listen to what's offered here, the people on this site have walked where you are standing and will help any way they can. You may not like what you hear, but you will get fair and solid advice.
All the best


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## IsthisInsanity? (Feb 18, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> 1. She is lieing to you and has lied to you. Understand she has been developing her own fantasy land with this other man.
> 2. She is having sex with the man quoteshe wrote “you better give it to me nice and hard today”.
> Sorry do not care what she said no one says that to another unless they are doing it. You cannot actually believe that she wrote that and it is a joke?
> 3. Need to prepare yourself
> ...


:iagree:
totally agree!!! Com'on she writes him quotes of a country love song and all these other stuff. Sorry to say that but theres really less hope for an R imho.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

So, let me get this straight...this is the same co-worker from 2 years ago?
If so, this is so messed up in so many ways. 

First of all, she has learned from you that there on no consequences in what she is doing. So, she has kept doing this over & over...for 2 years.

1) Expose this to the other guys wife. She has a right to know. Her husband is a douche for doing this to his wife & child. Show her proof....emails, texts, etc.
2) Expose the entire history of what your wife has been doing to HER family. Show them proof as well. Your wife is an b*tch for doing this to you & your child.
3) Contact a lawyer discreetly. Don't advertise this to her or anyone that knows her.

4) Be strong. Get family support. Talk to a counselor.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Beach

Expose the affair.

To her Dad.
To her Mom.
To the OM's wife.
To the OM's MOm & Dad.
To their human resources dept. if you feel you need to.

You want your family back?
Kill the affair and fight for your marriage.

And you better have proof to back all this up.


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## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

I have been thinking of e-mailing OMW...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

beach said:


> I have been thinking of e-mailing OMW...



Please dont think..JUST DO IT ASAP


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

beach said:


> I have been thinking of e-mailing OMW...


YES tell the OMW

Do not tell your wife that you are contacting the OMW.

1) Get all the proof ready to show her....it can be photocopies, pdfs, etc

2) If you know where she lives, wait until he leaves & then knock on the door.

3) Show her the proof....let her have the copies

4) Show her a photo of your wife, so she can understand & see who this person is that is involved with her husband.

5) Show her a photo of your child & explain to her that her husband's affair is breaking up your home.

6) Tell her that you will let his employer know what has been going on.

7) Give her your phone number & an email address that she can contact you if she needs more info.

After this, she will need some time to comprehend all that has happened.
You have done nothing wrong in letting her know the truth, OK.
Her douche of a husband would rather keep it a secret....so you are taking the moral highground in all this



NEXT, focus on your wife....she is lost in a fantasy land & needs to be woken up.

1) expose to your wife's family, friends, etc

2) expose to your mutual friends

3) get your finances in order....separate funds, move your stuff to a storage unit, etc, etc.

4) make an appt to talk to a lawyer & learn all about the unfair legal system we live in.

5) Here is the most important thing....get support from your family, friends, etc....you will need this.

6) Lastly.....you have taken the high road in this. You are trying to protect your child & yourself from someone (your wife) that is very selfish & cruel.
So, don't fall for any thing that makes you second guess what you are doing.

peace be with you
I feel your pain...


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## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> YES tell the OMW
> 
> 1) Get all the proof ready to show her....it can be photocopies, pdfs, etc
> 
> ...


Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice. Unfortunately all the IM's I saved have since disappeared after my hard drive dumped. It will be my word against his. But at least I will have piece exposing this tool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your wife is a Liar. 

Your wife is a cheater. 

Your wife is in love with the OM - she will do anything to protect him at his job and with is wife. She will protect him until he is ready to leave his wife. When he's ready she'll leave you (phyically - she's already checked out emotionally - looooong looong ago)

Sorry you are going through this. But you really aren't helping yourself much. You become enraged, ask for explanations - buy whatever she says - beg her not to do it again. She gives you her famous song and dance. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until she's ready to leave. 

If you want to have a chance to bring back your marriage (I didn't say "save" because you have no marriage at this time) then you MUST expose this affair to the OM's wife. Print out the texts and show them to her. 

Do it TODAY. TONIGHT. NOW


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beach said:


> I feel like I’m losing my mind. The thought of another man raising my son just kills me, especially since I was raised with divorced parents. I love my wife deeply, but I can’t live with being lied to and taken advantage of any longer. She agreed to leave her job, but has yet to begin looking. I don’t think she has any intensions on leaving due to this guy. She states over and over, she does not look at him in that way anymore, but I don’t understand why she continues to disrespect me. More important, *why do I continue to let her?!?*
> 
> Things are not the same between us anymore. Sex is non-existent and not much intimacy. She said she loves me but not in love with me and doesn’t look at me with those feelings any longer.
> 
> *I’m trying everything to save this family*. I don’t act like the emotionless person I used to, but still have room for improvement. We communicate so much better than we ever have, but things are not the same between us anymore. Sex is non-existent and not much intimacy. She said she loves me but not in love with me and doesn’t look at me with those feelings any longer. I’m afraid the damage is done and she is too far gone.


The biggest reason seen on this forum as to why cheating wives continue to cheat - the husband is too busy trying to "save the family" instead of taking a hard-line approach and stop the cheating. Extreme fear at loss of the relationship and family, which, obviously, the cheating wife does NOT have. The cheating wife can see this and knows her husband doesn't have the guts to end it, so she feels free to continue on her merry way.

What are we on now, chance number 3? Or is it 4?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beach said:


> I have been thinking of e-mailing OMW...


When are you going to do it?


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Does she still contact this OM?
How does (did) she do this.....IM, email, phone calls,etc?

If you have access to her email, forward the emails to yourself.

If she called him, go online & access the phone records. They usually go back about a year or so. At least it will show his phone number & times called.
The phone records will also show the phone numbers that texts were sent to.

If she still sees him, stalk them out & take a photo of them together.

Just gather the evidence you can get. The OMW will need some sort of proof & you need to get her on your side the best way you can.

Think of this as warfare.....
Your wife & the OM are your 'enemy' right now. 
Lying is a way of life for both of them.

Most of all, do everything in your power to protect yourself & your child.
Your child needs you to be the guiding light in this life of darkness that your wife is running towards.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you are going to contact his wife, it is best to confirm that it is actually her you are talking to. Ask her to call you when she gets the message. And whatever you do, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THIS TO YOUR WIFE.


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## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> The biggest reason seen on this forum as to why cheating wives continue to cheat - the husband is too busy trying to "save the family" instead of taking a hard-line approach and stop the cheating. Extreme fear at loss of the relationship and family, which, obviously, the cheating wife does NOT have. The cheating wife can see this and knows her husband doesn't have the guts to end it, so she feels free to continue on her merry way.
> 
> What are we on now, chance number 3? Or is it 4?


Yea, I know. I've been in serious denial. Sending an email to OMW this morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

beach said:


> Yea, I know. I've been in serious denial. Sending an email to OMW this morning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good let us know if she got it.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

beach said:


> Yea, I know. I've been in serious denial. Sending an email to OMW this morning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you get a response?

What did you tell the OMW?

Remember, you are not doing anything wrong by telling her, ok.
Her husband is lying to her in the lowest way possible....for 2 years. She deserves the truth.



If she didn't respond to your email, then go see her in person.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Looks like yet another cake-eating wife. 

The Unified Theory of Cake

And Beach...stop letting her bamboozle you. They've had sex. They are probably still having sex. Now she's chemically addicted to him. If you want to save your marriage, you have to break her addiction to him.

You are dealing with an addict. You can't be nice when dealing with her. She needs to see the hard consequences of her addiction/affair. Which means divorce. Which means being a single mom with a kid. 

You're in for a rough, bumpy road.

Stay the course.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your inaction, in several areas, is the death blow to your marriage. Lots of men sit and watch their marriage go down the tubes.... so don't feel alone.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

beach said:


> I have been thinking of e-mailing OMW...


You should have done this a long time ago.

Exposure is one of the best ways to stop an affair.

Its time for you to start making this affair as inconveinent and as uncomfortable as possible...as late as it may be!

As you can see your current tactics have only increaced the bound between the Co worker and your wayward wife.

Now that the whole office knows about the fun lunch girl she will continue to get "ask out for lunch".

One of the consequences she will...must face is losing this job if you still want to keep her. Exposing this to the work place will push her in finding another job much sooner.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

How about this? IF your wife was normal and you did this to her, what would she do to you?

No one that I know of, gets training on a"Wives Betrayal". It is not spoken of untill it's too late. Read through this part of TAM. Read 100 stories of what has to happen.

I am sorry that you are here but I am glad that you are reaching out for help, you will find it here!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What you should do is ask his wife out to lunch at the same time they are going to lunch.

Get a table real close.

Then watch their reactions.

Go ahead. Coordinate it with his wife.

Lets see how your wife and the OM enjoy heir food that day.


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## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

Update:

Ok it's been just about 1 yr since I posted my situation on this forum. I decided I wanted to give this relationship one last try, especially for my now 3 yr old son. I thought things were going great. Our communication seemed to be showing great improvements compared the last few years. Of course, we had our mishaps as every relationship experiences. My wife was serious about looking for another job and things were looking to move forward. 

Friday before labor day (two months ago), I received a text from my wife stating she had to lay-off the affair co-worker and that he will no longer be in our lives. Also stated that I should break out the champagne and celebrate when she gets home. A few hours later I get another text message saying there was a impromptu happy hour and that she was going. Of course, this was against our agreement of her continuing to work with him and highly upset me. She told me not to worry that she is only going for 1 drink and that there will be over 10 other people going. 

Something didn't sit with me well about how the information was shared with me and the fact that she went to happy hour instead of coming home to celebrate with me. That Sunday night, I was so unsettled, that I needed to look at her work cell phone to ease my mind. What I found floored me and couldn't believe my eyes. I found text messages between them that occurred that friday both saying:

1) how much they love each other
2) how much they will miss each other
3) doesn't matter where he finds a new job as long as its near her
4) are you still thinking about the conference room....

I was so upset and hurt, I woke her up and told her I was done and left for the night. The next day I asked her to move out and she has been living with her parents since. I found my own place and get the keys this week. 

She has since discovered that I have been talking to another woman which has gotten flirty. After she discovered this, she was very upset and said she felt betrayed. I had a feeling she contacted this co-worker, especially since she was so upset. Of course she did contact him and denied it after I confronted her, which I had a copy of our cell phone records in front of me.

A week after discovering I have been talking to another woman she wants to move back in together and said she feels ashamed and is finally ready to take this family seriously and wants me to give her one more try.

I stood up for myself and told her "NO" I'm moving into this new place by myself and taking the time for me. She is not happy and she even emailed this other woman. Saying no to someone who is crying in front of you is has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. But I simply asked her "where has this been two years ago, 1 year ago, or even 2 months ago. Why now...."

Thanks for all your suggestions.
Beach


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

File for D. Make sure you have your legal ducks in a row.

Don't take your lying, sneaking, cheater-wife back. Ever.

Separate your finances, if you haven't already.

Sorry. I think a lot of us saw this coming.... 

Be strong, use your anger to fuel you.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry to hear this. So can we take it that you never exposed the affair to the POSOM's wife?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Don't be rushing into other relationships so soon. You have to address your own emotions. 

Your posts all scream "emotional-hair trigger". And your flirting, I'm afraid is another emotional reaction. It's okay to form bonds with others - in fact I think it's healthy. But please no emotional entanglements. It's not good for your self-realization and probably can cause legal issues as well. 

I hope you exposed the affair especially to the OMW. If not then you can use the threat of exposure to negotiate a fair settlement. 

And you really should expose the POSOM.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Beach

You ask why now? 

Because that selfish lying cheating wife finally saw two things:

A. You stood up for yourself. About time....

B. Someone else values you. Wants you. And being the selfish woman that she is would like to keep you bottled up all to herself when she feels like using you.

Does she deserve a 2nd chance? No. But in time that will be for you to decide.

Look at my previous post from February.

Did you ever contact the OM's wife and spill the beans?????

That is how you kill an Affair.

Glad you stopped being nice.

HM


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

beach said:


> Update:
> I stood up for myself and told her "NO" I'm moving into this new place by myself and taking the time for me. She is not happy and she even emailed this other woman. Saying no to someone who is crying in front of you is has been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. But I simply asked her "where has this been two years ago, 1 year ago, or even 2 months ago. Why now...."


 Good man! Finally took the bull by the horns. Now what you want to do is send her and the OM lyrics to a country song.

To him. Send the song. "If I shot you when I wanted to, I'd be out by now."

To her. "I'm so miserable without you, it's like having you here.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Beach, get checked for STDs- protect your health.

Did you do a paternity test with the child?

Out POSOM far and wide.
File for D and move forward with your life.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Beach, get checked for STDs- protect your health.

Did you do a paternity test with the child?

Out POSOM far and wide.
File for D and move forward with your life.


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## beach (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes I did expose the affair. A few weeks before labor day weekend I talked to her brother and told him everything. He was very concerned for us and in turn told the parents. This turned into a form of family intervention where her immediate family expressed their concern for our marriage and basically said they are here for both of us to help make things work. I thought this would really help her see the light. But in fact, she said she felt that I had betrayed her and ran to the OM.

Once I found the latest text messages, I took a photo of a few of them and e-mailed the screen shots to OMW facebook email account. I have received no reply and my wife told me OM called her a few days later. So I'm not sure if OMW ever received the email or not.

I also emailed the OM through facebook and said "what's up *******, been a while since we last chatted. I am no longer in your way of pursuing my wife. What kind of man are you going to be? Are you going to do what you've been saying to my wife and love her or will you stand up for your family. I hope you two are happy together."

I called the OM 2 years ago and told him to back off...... well that threat didn't work. I mean what kind of man continue's an affair after the husband calls you and tells you to back off? 

I'm not worried, I am much better looking than OM and my career far surpasses his. I have much more to loose than he does by getting into a confrontation with him. I've said my peace and the best thing I can show them is by moving on.

Thanks everyone, I'm glad to see I'm not alone out there.

-Beach


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