# is it all about his needs?



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

It seems many of the posts here are about men and their needs. It is frustrating as a woman to think that I'm only in a marriage for my husband's needs. Good thing my husband is patient and understands or else we would be divorced, I guess.

I understand being worn out and stressed. I am working in a chaotic environment with very high expectations. We are short staffed, thus, I work late a lot and have to go in early a lot. I sometimes have to work at night at home, too. Until we hire several more people, things will be like that. My blood pressure is up, and I'm just so tired from work. My boss knows we are all worn out at work and so is she. However, we have to deliver or risk our jobs 

As a result, our sex life has decreased. I think of myself as HD, but right now, I'm trying to make it through the day and get enough sleep to go do it again. To make matters worse, my husband and I have opposite schedules. So our time together is limited.

Before anyone says get a different job or cut back, I make a much larger salary, in the low 6 figure range. My husband now makes less than before, so I had to step up and pick up the slack. I've done so, but it has its costs. 


Another note, I travel some for work, so that gives us less tome.

I realize some will criticize me. But how can I manage until I get some relief at work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

If your Husband is patient and understands. I don't think you need to worry. It is understandble that life gets in the way sometimes. I think one of the best things about being married is being able to draw support from one another. Sometimes your needs are higher, sometimes his. Sometimes you both are at the same level. As long as you communicate what your needs are and are willing to give and take depending on the circumstances. I think it's perfectly fine to a have a stretch of time where sex isn't a priority. 

I lost 2 family members a month apart from one another. It was a very traumatizing for me. Ofcourse my H's needs were not on my mind as much as they usually were. But, after awhile things were back to the way they were again.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Read my posts and you will see it isn't *all* about his needs. 

If you are feeling guilty or worried about your H's feelings about your reduced sexual energy, let's talk about that. You say he is patient. How are you testing his patience and what has he said about it?

I know things are overwhelming for you. Your stress comes across loud and clear. but let's also consider that sex has a positive impact on both men and women . it reduces stress . the bond between you and your husband when you have sex is strengthened . this also reduces stress . It's another way that you take care of yourself not just him . It is like exercise . it makes your endorphins flow .

past that, it is an important part of marriage .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I think sex reduces stress for some. I feel it is an added pressure right now...just more thing that is demanded of a tired person.
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Are you still playing tennis? Since March 2012, it doesn't sound like things have gotten any better for you, same employer issues. Sorry to read this. So when IS the relief from your employer coming?? 
Without an end date, I wouldn't stick it out. 

Here's something some people do not consider. Working all those extra hours just proves to the company that they do not need to hire anyone else. Why should they? You will work enough for two.

They won't hire anyone else unless work isn't getting done, the bottom line is being affected, or you burn out and fade away.

Been there. Done that. I had NO ONE to blame but myself. I will never do it again. I work extra for projects. Limited time. Otherwise, I say no and I mean it. I have a life. That's more important to me. 

And my health DOES depend on balance. No balance means crashing in ER. Been there done that too.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

If your marriage is sex starved to begin with, what you are saying you are going through could be disastrous. If the two of you are on the same page, then you can weather this.

That being said, people always make time for what is important to them, and a trial like this sure exposes what each side of the relationship has inside them.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Ugh...this is why I hate corporate America. I will never ever give them my soul let alone more of my personal time. Therefore when I leave work I leave my job behind me. I don't think or dream about work while I'm home. I had a job where it consumed 70% of my life, yes the money was good but I gave that up for a slightly lower paying job. Couldn't be happier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

deejov said:


> Are you still playing tennis? Since March 2012, it doesn't sound like things have gotten any better for you, same employer issues. Sorry to read this. So when IS the relief from your employer coming??
> Without an end date, I wouldn't stick it out.
> 
> Here's something some people do not consider. Working all those extra hours just proves to the company that they do not need to hire anyone else. Why should they? You will work enough for two.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

New, yes Corporate America is tough and getting tougher. But what do I do when my husband's income has decreased? I can't cut back ir we can't pay the bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> New, yes Corporate America is tough and getting tougher. But what do I do when my husband's income has decreased? I can't cut back ir we can't pay the bills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not saying you are over extended because I don't know your financial situation but for me I didn't over extend myself (car, house etc) so when I took my pay cut it didn't affect us. 
I guess that's the difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is a big difference between someone having a temporary lull and in someone who neglects their partner's basic human needs for months or years at a time. Doesn't matter whether the indifferent or cruel withholder is a woman or a man. Both parties enter marriage with the understanding that they will be sexually faithful to their husband or bride. The flip side of that agreement is that it is implied and clearly understood that their partner will be responsible for meeting reasonable sexual needs. Most sane people would never agree to marry someone they knew would be serially refusing them sex.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> New, yes Corporate America is tough and getting tougher. But what do I do when my husband's income has decreased? I can't cut back ir we can't pay the bills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you reduce your bills, and he increases his income. Are you paid hourly?

Why is he not looking for a higher paying job that is not opposite hours of you? 

This has been going on for over a year already. Have you considered downsizing, selling assets? What will happen if you get sick, he gets sick, something else happens? If you lose your job tomorrow, are you on the street anyways? 

If you are not willing to make time for yourself, make some money space for yourself to cover the gaps. The rest won't matter, as your marriage wont' survive another 1.5 years of this.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Hmmmm I did not know this has been going on for so long. Not cool. What your telling your husband is that he is not a priority, your work and needs are more important to you than him. Just saying! 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Tracy, I cannot help what happened at work. Do you think I like that we got thrown into this situation at work? Am I responsible for my husband getting 20 percent cut at work?
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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We were able to handle part time work (3-4 days a week), full time graduate school with significant research work, and two children under 5, and nookie. Try to play Legos with a 5 year old while studying some arcane textbook and watching your college team on TV all at the same time. Do it for 3-4 years. 

My wife, the ever busy Dr. Mrs. LD works ("works") 14-15 hours a day. While this cuts down on our infrequent but lengthy nookie sessions (LD, duh ) it takes near zero time to keep the emotional connection running. And she devotes exactly zero time to keep it running.

I understand the realities of corporate America and wisely chose a career where I could make good money without working like a cruise ship cabin steward... I feel that if one is good enough to make that kind of money one has other choices. But that's another story..

It is one thing to work a lot. It's quite another to proclaim so 24/7 and stress out because of it. A couple years I worked 60 hours a week sustained for 9 months. Got a huge bonus and we spent it in a two week cruise... The thought of the cruise kept me going. Keep your eyes on the long term goal and relax, and nookie desire will generally follow.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

deejov said:


> Then you reduce your bills, and he increases his income. Are you paid hourly?
> 
> Why is he not looking for a higher paying job that is not opposite hours of you?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Unbelievable, I had no idea my workplace would have major issues when I married my husband. How am I to blame for all this happening at work? Guess I'm also to blame for my husband having less income? I guess everything is my fault and my fault alone, right?
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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I give up....seems like it is all my fault this stuff has happened. I'm working my butt off but nothing is good enough. I guess no one here has ever had their workplace do this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

No it is not your fault that happened to you. But, it is your fault for not willing to make an effort to keep a healthy marriage. You are trying to justify this by making excuses. 

What are you more afraid to lose? Your standard of living, or your family? Perhaps it is time to downsize?

Your husband is not going to tolerate being on the bottom of the period much longer. You have your priorities messed up dear. Family should always come first. When you die, it ain't work that's going to be missing you. There you are replaceable. It's your family that will be there until the end. Just saying.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I have to work. That is a priority. Of course my marriage is a priority, but if we are living on the side of the road, it won't matter. We don't live in an expensive home or drive luxury cars. I'm not going to move into an apartment or trailer. It would make both of us unhappy, and that would ultimately lead to resentment and our decline. 

I have asked for my workload to be lightened. My boss keeps saying things will get better. I have looked at other jobs. Most in my field are high travel, much more than I travel more. 

I'm glad to know I'm making excuses. And while I appreciate you trying to offer advice, please don't talk down to me about my priorities not being straight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I wasn't talking down to you. If you're not getting what you want to hear from us, don't you think something may not be right? I have a feeling you just want confirmation that what you are doing is ok and you aren't getting it. Doesn't that say something????? Just saying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Bottom line is if you and your H are happy the way things are than there ain't a problem and this thread is pointless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Excuses. If you really cared you'd solve it. You've got pretty messed up priorities.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

If I were saying my husband was working long hours and I didn't have as much intimacy as I wanted, I would be bashed because I didn't appreciate him working hard for our family.

I am glad to know no one here has ever dealt with this type of thing. I thought TAM was about support. Some of you have just made me feel worthless. Never mind TAM. Too many righteous people who have never dealt with financial or problems with finding time for loved ones. I thought this was about helping people. Not true....too many of you are so ready to jump on someone who doesn't have things figured out but is trying. ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> If I were saying my husband was working long hours and I didn't have as much intimacy as I wanted, I would be bashed because I didn't appreciate him working hard for our family.
> 
> I am glad to know no one here has ever dealt with this type of thing. I thought TAM was about support. Some of you have just made me feel worthless. Never mind TAM. Too many righteous people who have never dealt with financial or problems with finding time for loved ones. I thought this was about helping people. Not true....too many of you are so ready to jump on someone who doesn't have things figured out but is trying. ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you know your doing what you can about it then you should feel good.
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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

And I love how no one brought up that even though I have begged my husband to find a job with similar hours to mine so we could spend time together, it is all my fault.

Done.
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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> It seems many of the posts here are about men and their needs. It is frustrating as a woman to think that I'm only in a marriage for my husband's needs. Good thing my husband is patient and understands or else we would be divorced, I guess.
> 
> I understand being worn out and stressed. I am working in a chaotic environment with very high expectations. We are short staffed, thus, I work late a lot and have to go in early a lot. I sometimes have to work at night at home, too. Until we hire several more people, things will be like that. My blood pressure is up, and I'm just so tired from work. My boss knows we are all worn out at work and so is she. However, we have to deliver or risk our jobs
> 
> ...



All jobs are stressful and have their ups and downs.

All relationships and marriages have their ups and downs.

Most people work a full time job in one form or another.

Many people work day and afternoon shifts and even a bit at home.

Women seem to make it sound like sex is a chore, duty sex, super duper difficult and all time consuming. It is not. It is what you make of it.

If having a 5 minute quickie is too difficult and time consuming in a 24 to 48 hour window, you have a problem.

When you have more time, maybe weekends, then you'll have more quality time for sex.

You aren't going to get fired or lose your job because you set aside 5 minutes for quickie sex once in 48 hours!!!

My wife and I have changed jobs and income levels over the years but that has never killed my sex drive for her.

This is not all your fault, it is 50 / 50 but like I said, a 5 minute quickie is too stressful and difficult for you? Really?! And not even every day, every 2nd day?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You started with a combative post. You shouldn't be surprised that people take it in the direction you pointed it.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Trying what? Nobody is putting you down. If anything you are judging us and putting us down. We are trying to give you an objective point of view with the info you provided us. And believe me there are plenty of women on TAM who don't get enough from their H. And I'm pretty certain they get support and aren't critiqued. My h works 15 hours. We do the dirty at 3:30am!! No excuses. Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Wow that's a little unfair to her. Can't live without money. Certainly won't have a happy marriage if you're homeless. I feel for you OP! 

My husband works a ridiculous number of hours, high stress. His field has very high suicide and divorce rates. He has an hour commute each way. Because of this we have to work DOUBLE hard to spend time together. 

Sit down and map out your time. The hours that you work, the commute time. If you are efficient and organize your time, I bet you could find at least an hour every night to spend with your husband. 

I understand stress and fatigue can make a person want to sleep during every available minute but putting of bedtime 30 min each night would allow you guys to bond and remain close.

Big hugs TS. You sound so stressed.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

tracyishere said:


> Trying what? Nobody is putting you down. If anything you are judging us and putting us down. We are trying to give you an objective point if view with the info you provided us. And believe me there are plenty of women on TAM who don't get enough from their H. And I'm pretty certain they get support and aren't critiqued. My h works 15 hours. We do the dirty at 3:30am!! No excuses. Just saying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. And I'm sure its not a 1 hour marathon either. A quickie, cuddle up to each other and off to sleep, right? Easy and simple and no time or effort to do.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> Wow that's a little unfair to her. Can't live without money. Certainly won't have a happy marriage if you're homeless. I feel for you OP!
> 
> My husband works a ridiculous number of hours, high stress. His field has very high suicide and divorce rates. He has an hour commute each way. Because of this we have to work DOUBLE hard to spend time together.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree. 

It's not always easy to just change your priorities. We all know that family should come first, that marriages are important, that satisfying sex lives are good. Life circumstances just aren't always conducive to making those things easy, and when you are overworked, tired, and stressed out, the extra effort can seem insurmountable. 

It's much easier to tell your spouse no and hope he understands than it is to tell your boss no and hope he understands. I'm sure the OP KNOWS that she and her husband BOTH have situations that are contributing to lack of time and energy for intimacy. If they want to work on it together, then great--but it's certainly not on her shoulders to solve. 

She could quit her job tomorrow, default on loans, get behind on bills, whatever--that's not going to be anymore conducive to spousal intimacy than working too much. 

My husband has always struggled with a high demand job, and it often makes me feel like he puts our marriage and family second. I let it go for years, but I'm getting better at speaking up. And Annie is right--planning is as important as communicating. It's all well and good for me to be mad because I feel like second fiddle, but unless I can propose something to make it better, it's just another thing I'm dumping on the shoulders of someone who already feels overwhelmed and overburdened.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The bottom line is that it's the same advice for everybody.... if you don't like the way your life is going, change something! 

We can't figure out how to lower your bills, or lower your working hours, or to convince your H to work the same schedule as you (and ya, someone did suggest that).... we can only suggest that you do what you can to solve this, with H's help or not...for your own good. 

Think about it, make lists, de-stress when you can, find time for H when you can, and TALK to him about all of it. He's supposed to be your partner and teammate. 

Personally, I think I'd boink him every chance I got.... even quickies... just to help the marriage stay strong (well, and because I like it and would miss it) until I could figure out how to up the quality of life without screwing myself!


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks Annie and Getting. I know I need to work on things. I do have to pay the bills, though, so making changes is not as easy as just quitting my job. I struggled with finances so many years whole raising a child alone with no child support from a deadbeat ex husband, so I know how hard it can be to not have money and get behind on bills etc. It can destroy the best of relationships. I don't want to go back there 

I appreciate your posts and realizing no solution is easy here. I do need to work on this and so does my husband. Hr needs to find a job with similar hours, and I need to continue to ask for help at work. I have brought this issue up many times at work and will continue. I worry because many of my friends work longer hours than me. It just seems the norm now. But I will continue to ask for more help and a decreased workload at work. 

Thanks again for nit putting all the blame on me and realize that these situations are difficult and there isn't one easy answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Just have 5 minute quickie sex sessions until you get more time on your hands and also will have less stress.

Takes no time to do this or effort.

I know this isn't ideal, but have him give you oral with a vibrator at the same time, 5 minutes or so later, you orgasm, feel released and he cuddles up to you back and go to sleep!!!:smthumbup:

Or you can do nothing.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> All jobs are stressful and have their ups and downs.
> 
> All relationships and marriages have their ups and downs.
> 
> ...


Umm that's her point. She is responsible for making herself available for 5 mins. That is seldom enough for a woman to be satisfied. 

If my husband got off in 5 min and left me frustrated I would not be happy. Shouldn't she be satisfied too? If they only has 5 mins, why does he need her? 

This is a temporary situation. One of the nadirs in a long term relationship. The way it is handled sets the tone for the years ahead. 

OP if you are still reading. Have a talk with your husband with the purpose of an airing of out both your issues at present. See if there is anything you can do to take the pressure off of you in the short term. 

Perhaps he needs to take the search for a job with a schedule similar to yours more seriously. You can hire someone to do chores so that free's up some time. Order in dinner so you don't have to cook. Use paper plates and plastic cutlery so there are no dishes. 

Time alone every day for even a short period of time may help. have a glass of wine, talk and touch. Who knows, it might ignite some passion. 

When you talk let him go first. Write down some points for discussion and goals. If it gets complicated, stop and make plans for another meeting.

It's important that you clear the air. You do sound frustrated, resentful and angry. I don't blame you, sounds like a stressful time. 

You can both change your frame of reference and act as a team, like you are on the same side. Is there any way you can get there? Why don't you take the first step towards him? 

Of course this is not your fault. You cant fix it on your own. Someone needs to start the ball rolling though. Can you do that?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Thanks Annie and Getting. I know I need to work on things. I do have to pay the bills, though, so making changes is not as easy as just quitting my job. I struggled with finances so many years whole raising a child alone with no child support from a deadbeat ex husband, so I know how hard it can be to not have money and get behind on bills etc. It can destroy the best of relationships. I don't want to go back there
> 
> I appreciate your posts and realizing no solution is easy here. I do need to work on this and so does my husband. Hr needs to find a job with similar hours, and I need to continue to ask for help at work. I have brought this issue up many times at work and will continue. I worry because many of my friends work longer hours than me. It just seems the norm now. But I will continue to ask for more help and a decreased workload at work.
> 
> ...


 When you are home, spending time with your husband sexually, emotionally, intellectually should be your PRIORITY. Too tired for sex? Start with cuddling and kissing naked. You might just feel the juices flowing. 

And since he's home right now, he should be doing the little chores around the house so that when you are home the only thing you two need to do is have dinner and be together. No excuses! If you have to choose between doing the dishes and having sexy time...choose sexy time!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> When you are home, spending time with your husband sexually, emotionally, intellectually should be your PRIORITY. Too tired for sex? Start with cuddling and kissing naked. You might just feel the juices flowing.
> 
> And since he's home right now, he should be doing the little chores around the house so that when you are home the only thing you two need to do is have dinner and be together. No excuses! If you have to choose between doing the dishes and having sexy time...choose sexy time!


Exactly!!:iagree::iagree:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
I will come clean. I read all your other posts before I answered this one. That's my habit. 

The other ones ended similar to this one. I'm sorry if you are defending yourself, but to be honest all other advice is shot down.

Maybe the solution you are looking for is a job tip or lead, half the hours at more money. Problem solving happens to be what I get paid for, and I'm habitually stuck to you can only deal with the info provided, and people need to solve issues using what they have -- their own strengths and weaknesses.

So logically, since you are the one here posting, what can you do (yourself) to help ease the situation?

If there is no solution (that anyone can see...) then your options become make the best of it, learn to manage your stress, and make it work, somehow, someway. 

Lots of advice given on how to do that. Hopefully some of it helps.
Peace.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

My wife works longer hours than i do. Her job is simply more demanding than mine. I respect that and am as supportive as one can get. I do all of the housework and run most of the errands. So, no it is not all about my needs. I take care of myself and like it that way. However, we are married and so expect to be intimate more than 4 times in 6 months.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I think it's ironic that the thread is entitled all about his needs, when all the OP talks about is hers. Just saying...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Before anyone says get a different job or cut back, I make a much larger salary, in the low 6 figure range. My husband now makes less than before, so I had to step up and pick up the slack. I've done so, but it has its costs.



Why change anything? You have the right to set your priorities as you have done. You might want to discuss these priorities with your life partner .... if his opinion is important to you.

Do you feel yourself starting to resent your husband? How can this guy have all these needs when I am doing the heavy lifting financially? You simply cannot control the needs of another, but you can respond to them. Talk to him...


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> If I were saying my husband was working long hours and I didn't have as much intimacy as I wanted, I would be bashed because I didn't appreciate him working hard for our family.
> 
> I am glad to know no one here has ever dealt with this type of thing. I thought TAM was about support. Some of you have just made me feel worthless. Never mind TAM. Too many righteous people who have never dealt with financial or problems with finding time for loved ones. I thought this was about helping people. Not true....too many of you are so ready to jump on someone who doesn't have things figured out but is trying. ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think anyone is doing anything to you, other than just not agreeing with you and telling you what you want to hear. This forum is for opinions and advice, not a tell you what you want to hear.

Your H is not happy about the situation. He can do nothing about your work situation other than D you, the rest is your choice.

You can't have it all, so what is it going to be?

Luxuries and the material things you want in life and a unhappy marriage or a cardboard box, kraft dinner and the love of your life.

No blame or judgement put anywhere, but you are going to have to decide what you want sooner or later or it will be decided for you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree with Catherine to a point - you do sound pretty worn down and who wouldn't with all that pressure. You must be at wits end.

From an outside perspective, though, it does seem like the problem areas are YOUR employers expectations, YOUR expectations of standard of living and/or H's contributions, YOUR expectations as far as travel goes, and YOUR expectations of what is reasonable for you H to expect from you.

Whatever happens, it seems logical the change is going to have to come from you, and it seems like you'll have to make some choices as to where your boundaries are. Right now, without judgement, it does sound like you could use some - just for your sanity.

With luck, your husband will be a team player and help out in some way, but realistically, asking him to do more for meeting your needs while he is expected to take less is not a very good long term solution.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't this it's all your fault, OP. I _do_ think that, if you really wanted your circumstances to change, you'd find a way. And I don't mean quitting. There are plenty of far less drastic steps you could take; look at your expenses and evaluate what are actually necessities, and what are the little luxuries you don't need. You need a place to live, food to eat, and vehicles to get you to work, and you definitely need income. But, you'd be surprised at the things you _don't_ need, and how much you can save when you cut them out. That, at least, can help take some of the stress off. 

For instance, you mentioned you won't live in an apartment...I get that. I just came from an apartment, and man was it hell. But, there _are_ other options that could be cheaper than owning a house, but nicer than renting an apartment...maybe look into that? Instead of having more than one vehicle, look into selling one and having your husband take the bus? My mom saved hundreds of dollars a month by choosing to ride the bus. Unless you have an extremely efficient vehicle and don't pay much for gas, this could save you a lot of money. 

And, as has been mentioned before, keeping the passion alive by having quickies. My husband's job requires him to be up very early, which means he goes to bed early. Would it be nice to get a full eight hours of sleep every night? Sure. Would I rather take thirty minutes of our time and make love, even if it means I don't get as much sleep? You bet. And so would he. 

Your husband should be doing more to help you, as well; helping with chores, doing laundry, buying the groceries, having food ready. He doesn't work as much, so he should be picking up the slack so you don't have to exhaust yourself further. But, the point being made is that you _could_ find solutions to your concerns if you really tried. I know it sucks, having to put in more work just to find out how to have less stress, but that's the way life goes. And it WILL be worth it in the end, when you've got those extra couple hundred bucks, and the extra 45 minutes with your husband. 

If your roles were reversed, and he was the one overworking himself and you were the one being neglected, would you expect him to find a way to make things work? Or would you be satisfied with, "Well, he didn't ask for this, so I'll just wait until he puts his foot down." This has been going on for over a year! That's a very long time. A lot of hurt can happen in a year. If you want your marriage to last, you _have_ to stop making so many excuses. And it's not that they aren't valid, because they are...but excuses aren't going to keep your marriage alive, or help you relieve stress. You need solutions, but only you and your husband can find them.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate people taking the time to write.

I guess I was looking for a little validation. I'm tired and stressed, and I wanted someone to say "I understand" instead of saying I'm not doing the right things. 

I agree that if I don't like a situation, I need to work to change it. Of course, life is not easy and it is not as simple as saying I will cut my hours or tell my boss I am going to work less. 

We have actually looked at ways to cut expenses. We need 2 cars as we live in a city with very little public transportation. We work in opposite directions. Houses like ours tent for hundreds of dollars more than our mortgage, so that isn't an option. I had a less expensive home, but here in a large city, cheaper homes generally are in unsafe neighborhoods. My son used to get propositioned for drugs in my old neighborhood, and houses were broken into quite a bit. We actually pay only $1200 month on a mortgage, with taxes and insurance included. Hard to beat that here.

We don't live in luxury. We have a modest lifestyle. We cannot live on my husband's income. There are no PT jobs in my field at work. Most jobs in my field are 50 plus percent travel, so I'm lucky I travel less than 20 percent of the time. 

So overall, cutting back isn't an option unless my husband can really step up and make more. He doesn't have the education I have, though, so that role is mine.

I am trying to take positive steps, though. I hired a housecleaning service to help out once or twice a month. I again today told my boss that I cannot take on all these projects and I'm drowning at work. She is trying her best to get us help to lessen our workloads. I have asked that she please help. 

I am also applying for other jobs; however, many I have viewed have a high travel component. I'm trying to be careful not to get myself in a worse situation.

For those who say I don't have the right priorities, I certainly love my husband and want to make him a priority. I wish I could up and change my life and things wouldn't be so complicated. I have been poor. I remember getting eviction notices at my old apartment because I couldn't pay the rent. I remember not being able to buy food and having to ask my parents for money. Forgive me for not wanting to go back there. People who say money doesn't matter probably have never been broke with a young child asking if we were going to be thrown out of our apartment. I have.

One last thing. I think I could be perimenopausal, which could be affecting me being so tired and my sex drive. So I'm going to check with my doctor for help in that area.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

:smthumbup: And we will be here to support you 100%!!!!


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Tracy, I appreciate that. I felt hurt by your earlier posts putting me down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Thanks for the responses. I appreciate people taking the time to write.
> 
> I guess I was looking for a little validation. I'm tired and stressed, and I wanted someone to say "I understand" instead of saying I'm not doing the right things.
> 
> ...


TS, some of us have been there, honey! I used to regularly NOT eat the little meat we could afford so my husband could have dinner AND food to take out to the field.

Once you've been there, you NEVER want to go back.

Focus on making what time you have with your husband as fun and flirty as possible. Make your time together fulfilling to keep the love alive during the tough times.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

If cutting expenses isn't an option, then definitely look at how you and your husband manage your time together. Look at your schedules and see if there's any possible way you could create more time together. If your husband doesn't work as much as you, then perhaps he could sacrifice a little sleep to have a couple extra hours with you. And then sit down and decide what you can do during that time that will 1) not exhaust you further, but 2) bring you closer as a couple. 

Sex, even when tired, can actually help you sleep better, so even if it's a quickie, please don't take that out of the list of options. The connection that it offers really can't be compared to anything else. 

I've never had kids, but my husband I have been without jobs at the same time, living in a POS duplex, living on food stamps and my 100.00 a week from unemployment, and constantly looking for work. I know what it's like to be poor, and to wonder if you can make your food stretch to the end of the month. To be hungry, and have to ask for help just to buy macaroni and cheese. So, please don't assume that, just because people don't rush to agree with you, that they've never been through the concerns your facing.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Focus on making what time you have with your husband as fun and flirty as possible. Make your time together fulfilling to keep the love alive during the tough times.


:iagree:

This part is really important. 

My SO is on a project at work right now that is very stressful and is requiring a lot of overtime, and is generally making him frustrated and miserable. It's been going on for a few months and the worst won't be completed until early next year. What helps us is to make sure that the time we do have together is focused on us and is fun and fulfilling.

I'm sure it's much harder with a child, but is it possible that the two of you can set aside some time each week when you can go out together, or stay in together, have some dinner and a glass of wine and reconnect emotionally and sexually? Can you schedule this on your calendar and make sure that you guard it and not let _anything _else get in the way?

One of my co-workers in a long-hours kind of job used to schedule Friday night as "pizza night" with the kids as that was the one night per workweek when they knew there would be no late hours at work. Once the fun and games and pizza were done and the kids went to bed, then it was a little wine and nookie night for the parents. It worked for them as a way to stay connected as a family and as lovers.

Maybe for you it's not Friday night, but Sunday morning lazy brunch and a little afternoon delight. Or a Saturday bike ride with the kids and a sleepover at a friend's house while you and hubby connect. There must be some time when your schedules match up and you can give each other the attention you both deserve.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Tracy, I appreciate that. I felt hurt by your earlier posts putting me down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was very blunt because I had nearly lost my family due to my priorities being messed up. If I had been told that back then I probably would've denied it as well. In my mind I was doing what was best. In reality I was being selfish. I'm not saying you are being selfish, as it is very clear that you take your role as a provider for your family very seriously. And I respect that. But I don't want you to go through what I did when my husband started feeling neglected and unloved because I was focussing on other areas that to me were more important at that time. The fact is, as I discovered, your SO needs are always important in every circumstance. 

I apologize for making you feel put down, and I was being very rude about it. I guess I saw some of me in you and got all worked up. Not cool on my part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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