# Once a week



## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

My husband refuses to have anyhting to do with me because we only have sex once a week. He says that is unacceptable. He withholds all physical contact and will not sleep in the same room now. It's like he has set me up to fail. I feel like he is using this to manipulate me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well.. you need to tell us a bit more about the totality of your relationship, especially how it used to be before this happened.

For myself, my absolute minimum would be twice per week or I walk  (that's what I kid myself anyhow). At the moment we do it most nights.

However, we got to that by being very loving to each other. I have to say, I could not sleep in the same room as a woman who did not have sex with me - I would not be able to sleep because of the frustration.

Why is sex only once a week?


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## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

It wasn't always once a week. For four years it was several times a day, gradually slowed down to several times a week. Our marriage has been stressed to say the least. It has went through rage and verbal abuse as a means of manipulating me. Each time he would go into his rage and call me names, etc. When he was done, he would want to be intimate. Over time I built up resentment. I began to dish it all back to him and that just made my things worse, cause no matter what I did, it was wrong and I always made him do whatever he did, etc. I can be sitting in front of him crying and he tells me to stop it, he's sick of it and sick of us and sick sick sick. Finally the rages stopped, but so did his caring and attention and touches. But he would blame me, not that I didn't have something to do with it cause goodness knows when hurt and angry and desperate for attention, we do things. I'm not proud of it. So he has now went from rage to just having nothing to do w/ me and of course, it's all my fault and when I try to tell him that I need certain things to help me feel connected to him so that I can fulfill him, he just somehow, turns it all around on me and says he wants me out. I even said, how can we have more intimacy if we do not even touch any other time or sleep in the same room. He just goes into a rage and somehow, I did it all. I spent the last 5 hours crying and just yelled at me and told me how much I should want to be away from him. I was just sitting in the living room crying and asking him why he couldn't come hold me and tell me he loved me and he just yelled at me to shut up and he was going out to eat.... and left. Does any of that help...?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is a tough one!

3 questions:

1)Cast your mind back to when things were good, but the rages and manipulation were starting... what triggered them and what were they about. Go into detail.

2)How long have you been in separate rooms?

3)How on earth do you manage to have sex even once per week now? Tell me who initiates and how it goes.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you two both need a break from each other. you are both so emotionally enmeshed that neither of you is capable of being accountable for their own behavior. you both ping pong back and forth with this emotional tug of war. 

you need to get a grip on your own emotional well being. read up on boundaries, being codependent, and start to be accountable for you, and only you, for awhile. then think about how to deal with your H.


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## marlborolights (Jan 21, 2009)

Oh my God are we married to the same man??
Dont really have much to give you hun, but you might wanna read my posts. Just thought it would help you to know you're not alone!!! I know exactly how you feel!!!!!


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## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

1. His rages were any time I didn't do exactly what he wanted or how he wanted me to do them.

2. For about 8 or so months

3. Usually, I do the initiating for when we do have sex and sex is great. Always has been.

Here is something interesting.... The day he went out to eat... I finally called him and told him to just come home... He did and it was like he was all calm. Then, of course we had sex. Then I told him, about how I need him to comfort me and spend time w/ me etc. So, it was the typical honeymoon thing. Then, Monday night, I got my shower early, and asked him if he wanted to go to bed at about 9:15 or so and he said well he was kinda into this movie. I said ok. At 10:00 we went into the same bed... that almost floored me, but I proceeded to tell him how much I appreciated it, etc. And then I tried to initiate sex. He said he was afraid to have sex, usually he takes care of himself... it was getting late and he would feel rushed. (I get up at about 5 am, so I like to try to get to sleep reasonably early). I should have done something sooner to turn him on. So I just dropped it and went to sleep and at about 12 midnight he went to the other room.


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## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

Marlborolights:

After reading some of your posts, we might be... uhhhh LOL

I am so glad you responded to me. Check out my post about what happened Sunday and last night. Let me know what you think ..


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## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

MarkTwain:

Side note: We have been to marriage counseling and when the counselor told him he was the problem, he got very foul mouthed and refused to go again.

I think he is a selfish individual and very much a narcacist.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

pecular1-

I don't know the details, but it could be seen as irresponsible of the counsellor to take sides.



> 3. Usually, I do the initiating for when we do have sex and sex is great. Always has been.


This is interesting. You say he complains about lack of sex, but he waits for you to initiate. Is that because you rejected him a lot? Or some other reason. Please explain this more.


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## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

For 4 or 5 years initially, never. It was once a day or even twice a day. After I began working 50 miles from home and had a long commute, It gradually became several (like 3 or 4 times a week). We both would have our times when we just were tired or something and that was working. Even when I was recovering from an accident which required surgery on my disc in my neck, I would let him have sex, even though I really didn't feel up to it. After than it got back to the 3 or 4 times a week. until I had my hysterecomy due to cancer. After the waiting period after surgery, we were slow to resume an active sex life, but eventually resume activities, but it was more like 2 or 3 times a week. My job requires me to drive 54 miles one way and I get up around 5am and get home around 6pm. So most evenings I am tired. That being said, if we could go to bed earlier than 10:00 or 10:30, I would be more open. So, most recently... We moved from the city to the country. When he bought the house he refused to put it in our names, he put it only in his name. He told me I wasn't deserving and it would be his daughters. Note: this is our second marriage. I got sick and he has a bad snoring problem. He would keep me up alot with it. He told me if I needed him to go to spare room I should ask him cause he didn't mind. I did several times, then he told me he wasn't sleeping with me because I always kicked him out. An exaggeration of course. Then he told me if I had surgery to fix my snoring he would and not until. So the sex happened only once or twice a week at this point and we both equally initiated it, but he would come to my room, have sex and leave. I was left afterward alone. I have an issue with that. When I would express my issue he told me it was my fault, I initiated him leaving the room a long time ago. Deal w/ it. This eventually led to resentment in me, so I rarely initiated sex and would be upset it he did and we did and he left afterwards to another room. I think now we are both at the point where we both are resentful to one another and we can't seem to get beyond it. When we try to talk about it, he doesn't want to take any responsibility for any of it. I realize I must have handled things incorrectly, but I don't see how it can possibly be all me. Then it reached the point where he didn't initiate it and neither did I for weeks at a time and we just said goodnight and went to separate rooms. Finally, after feeling so lonely I broke down and asked him why he couldne see something was wrong with how we were living. He told me, .. " I told you, if I can't have it when I want it, we don't have it"... Once a week is not enough. He said I need to invite him into the room or he assumes he is not wanted. I told him he is always wanted.. Of course he became angry and told me he doesn't know why I want to blame him, I did this, not him... Then of course, he tells me I've wanted a divorce for years, etc. I am so confused and I feel like, he only wants me for what he can get out of it. Maybe it is me.... he is so good at making me feel like I cause him to act a certain way. Don't get me wrong, I realize we both played a part in this. I just need him to recongnize his part. I thought love was giving without expecting anything.... he says if he doesn't get, I don't get.

Need to finish ths in a little bit


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

pecular1 said:


> Need to finish ths in a little bit


Very interesting so far...

There is so much going on in what you have said already. Just to make a few points.

1) A hysterectomy is often a strain on a woman in many ways, especially in the areas of self image and sexuality - not least because of the hormonal effect.

2) Re snoring - This is a hard one. My wife and I used to have separate bedrooms due to me being such a light sleeper. So we would always start of in her bed, have sex, and then I would creep away. I realised this was doing the marriage harm, so we now share a bed. However we are a bit older, one of us snores a bit - her at night and me towards the early morning! We have found something that works for us, it's called Olbas oil Olbas Herbal Remedies: Olbas Oil. It is a mixture of aromatic oils. We put some on the pillow and breath some in on a tissue. It can sting if it gets in the eye. When we stay in the countryside, we don;t seem to need it, but here in the town, I suppose we are breathing in crap all day. I must say, my wife's snoring can break me down sometimes, so I understand how big a deal it is.

3) He sounds a bit pig-headed the way you tell it! I suppose he would have his version of events... But what is clear is that you have got into a bad dynamic. It is amazing you get on as well as you do. I think it would be easy to improve things. The only way is up.


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## pecular1 (Jan 25, 2009)

MarkTwain:

I try to locate some of that oil and see if he is open to using it. He can be a bit pig headed, but we all can now and then. I am working hard on trying to focus on what I can change about how I handle things, etc. I think he is his responsibility though.

This morning, we were both home because of the weather. I am working a bit from home today. Taking my break now. But I did my workout early this morning, got my shower and offered him to join me in the bedroom at about 9:15. He said he couldn't do that cause he would have to go outside and get the car ready since he is going into work around 12. So I very calmly told him that he didn't have to be at work til 12, and it was 9:30 and he is picking a movie over being with me... His response: nothing.... he just looked at me for a second and turned away to watch TV. At about 10:30ish he got up and said we need to go out and clear the cars and work on the driveway. Needless to say, by 11:00 he had made it outside and was shoveling the driveway and so I got dressed and went out to help him. I have to say, it frustrated me especially when he tells me the things he does. No sense in me talking about it to him cause somehow it will be all my fault....or I did it wrong. But the point is, twice I have attempted to initiate it and he rejected it. I am going to keep a diary.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You need to keep up trying to get through to him, and being nice even though he is acting strange. It will pay off. The problem is that he is feeling hurt and deliberately rejecting you.

If you stop now, he will suddenly say in a week's time, he wanted to try but you clammed up on him. So you have to sustain things until he comes into alignment.


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