# Mistakes



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The recent reincarnation of a zombie thread had me thinking about mistakes. In the thread the OP asked if the WW ever recognized their mistake in leaving and came back.
I think the idea that there are "mistakes" in a relationship is the wrong way to think about it. The fact is there are no "mistakes" in a relationship, there are really only decisions that are made. Once made those decisions affect the future course of that relationship. 
What is recognized by one as a "mistake" is simply a decision with which we do not agree. To the other, it was simply a decision they made based on their needs. One may argue that these "needs" are irrational, self destructive, or harmful to the relationship but regardless to the person making them they are still valid. 
As we have no control over the actions of others, it is pointless to do anything other than to accept the decision and move forward on the very same basis of our own needs. 
Which brings me back to a point that I keep coming upon over and over, and that is that the best course of action is to focus on our selves. 
Rather than mewing over the "mistake" someone else made, the best course of action is to control your response to it. Someone who chooses to leave you, did not make a mistake, they made a decision. They self selected themselves as someone that will no longer be a part of your life. Accept the gift that they gave you, as they have done your job for you. Take their decision and make the best decision you can make for your self with the fact and values that you possess.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

I can't accept that. It's different when you have kids. Every decision you make affects them. I don't make decisions that hurt my sons. If I have to think about something enough to call it a decision I have to account for my children. If it's a bad decision then it's a mistake I have to account for.

Making a decision to have an affair affects others and not just the person who is being selfish. Therefore it's a mistake in my eyes


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> I can't accept that. It's different when you have kids. Every decision you make affects them. I don't make decisions that hurt my sons. If I have to think about something enough to call it a decision I have to account for my children. If it's a bad decision then it's a mistake I have to account for.
> 
> Making a decision to have an affair affects others and not just the person who is being selfish. Therefore it's a mistake in my eyes


I have kids. I don't know what that has to do with anything I said though.
In fact you backed up everything I said. You made decisions based on what is important to you - your children in this case. 

The thing is having an affair is decision that some one made. The person that decided to have an affair, did so knowing full well what they were doing. They may not have cared or they may have thought they wouldn't get caught, but they made the decision all the same. You and I don't have to agree with them and to us it may be a bad decision. But calling it a mistake is making excuses for them. A mistake is when one doesn't know better. As if a little more knowledge will help them see the truth.
My ex left me. I can choose to think she made a mistake and spend the rest of my time on earth trying to figure out how to make her know better. Or I can consider it a decision she made and start making decisions for myself based on what I know. In fact that decision is one of the first each of us must make in order to move on with life.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Agree with OP. 

"She made a mistake" sounds like an excuse. Especially since she may not see it as a mistake at all. Cheating is wrong I think most agree but did she actually make a mistake?

Sure, semantics but the connotation affects our mindset, and when your relationship ends you are going to grow when you let go of your thoughts of you're former partners actions and decisions, past present or future.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree. When I hear a WS use the word mistake I honestly cringe. No you didn't you did something wrong, you decided to do it. No where did you trip and genitals just fall together. Generally a series of choices lead to you having an affair. This is part of the gas lighting and blame shifting MO of most WS

It was a mistake
It was the fog
I wasn't myself
Justify justify justify

Rarely do you find the WS who admit I did it cause I was selfish and made the choice to do it... Least that would be honest

Unfortunately in my line of work I hear a lot of these same types of excuses from other sorts in society. The Pedophiles and domestic abusers in particular


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

at some point it is a mistake. the person mistakenly thinks it won't matter or won't go that far, but sooner or later it becomes a decision. it may be a bad one and may end up forgiven or not. But yes it is a decision.


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