# trying but failing to make it work...



## Lost126 (Dec 7, 2011)

i am not sure where to start,... im 34 years old and i have been in what i perceived to be a serious relationship with my girlfriend (31yrs old now) for little over 6 years now.

we do not live together but she sleeps over 3-4 days out of the week at my place. moving in together has come up many times but due to financial situation of her family she cannot just move and leave her mom.

she kept giving me the run around, requesting to not come over for one reason or another. a couple of years ago i got a laptop for her to use at my place. i never use the laptop but i was concerned that she was hiding something from me, so i went on it and her facebook account was logged on. I checked her inbox messages and found many msgs between her and online guys. in the msgs she was bad mouthing me, complaining about me to them. i guess she was sharing her TRUE feelings about me or making them up so that she seemed available to these guys.

i confronted her and asked her what it was all about, she said she was just upset those days and she was venting at her friends... i gave her an opportunity to come clean with me and to be honest with me. she said that was all there is to it... i did not believe her and i checked the cellphone logs. i noticed a lot of calls, texts and multimedia msgs to a telephone numbers i did not recognize. what was even more suspicious was that the text on the log were deleted on her cellphone. which means she was deleting those msgs before coming over to my home and that number never called or text during days she was at my place.

i asked her to come over, because i needed to talk. when we sat down to talk the first thing i asked was if there was anything she wanted to tell me. i gave her a 2nd chance to be honest and up front. she said nothing. i confronted her again asking why she was spending so much time and effort to hide this telephone number and msgs. after presenting her with the log, she finally gave in and spoke the truth. she had been cheating on me with her exboyfriend for 3 months. and she even admitted to meeting him for sex that same day during her lunch break at work.

i was totally heart broken and took big long breaths to continue with the conversation. we spoke most of the night talking, she mostly crying...

after being with her for 6 years i wanted to continue the relationship in hopes that we could recover but its been close to a month and i still struggle with these feelings. she told me and showed me the msg she sent to the ex letting him know it was over between them.
but i find myself checking the phone logs and her msgs on certain days... i hate what kind of person i have become always insecure, always thinking she is doing something again. i find some days exhausting just thinking if she is actually at lunch or if she is on her way to see her ex again.

this is the 3rd relationship i have been in where i was cheated on. i dealt with this much better than the first two but the feelings are always the same. there are many reasons to end this relationship...

1. we promised when we first started dating that we would be honest about feelings if we were ever thinking about being unfaithful. she did not keep that promise
2. we are not married, not living together, no children. it would be easier to just move on.
3. she bad mouthed me to her "friends". this was very hurtful to read on her msgs. the thought that she would say these horrible things about me, i do not think i can forget. i feel she might still feel this way about me 
4. Constant lying and hiding of just about anything. im not expert but i think she might suffer from compulsive lying. she lies about the smallest things. which makes me think what big things she could be hiding.
5. she seems to have lots of profiles on social websites and sends out pictures to people on these sites. some are x rated 

she promised she would stop all of this and that she wants this relationship to work. she gave me all her email passwords as proof... but she can easily make a new email any time... so at this point trusting her is taking all of my energy...

i told her i would give it a try... but its been a month and i still find the urge to check her emails and the telephoe logs to make sure she is not hiding something.... i do not want to live the rest of my life checking up on my partner. what should i do? does anyone have any suggestions i can try? some days i just want to leave her and some days im fine... what do i do?


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

IDK, but you seem like the "nice guy." Maybe thats why these chicks cheat on you. Just my opinion.


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## Lost126 (Dec 7, 2011)

Yeah you are probably right, but i take pride in being a nice guy.

i came from a family where dad cheated and abused mom. after the divorced he move on to a new family and mom raised us herself. i promised myself i would never follow on my father's footsteps.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Hey man, there's nothing wrong with being nice, but not when people mistake your kindness for being a fool. 

There are people who will take advantage of it. 

I would dump her and look elsewhere... I mean, you're only 34.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The fact that she demonizes you to her friends tells you who she REALLY is. These are not the actions of someone who truly loves you, in addition to the fact that she's having these EAs with other men.

Dump her and move on. There's plenty of others out there that wouldn't do this. This is not a woman that you would want to marry and have kids with. Be thankful you found this out about her before you made the mistake of marrying her.


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## mjg81 (Dec 7, 2011)

I know you don't know me from the man on the moon, but trust me when I tell you to run for the hills. This girl sounds just like my serial cheating husband. We have been married a very LONG 12 years. It started as simple "miss understandings" to elaborate well thought out excuses. My husband if the king of lies. I have spent years tracking him and checking on his story only to be coined a control freak or Codependant. We have been to counseling & SAA crap and he swears he loves me and can't live with out me yet HE NEVER really CHANGES! Just gets better at the game. Do yourself a HUGE favor and check out. Based off your posting you come across as a well rounded guy. No ones perfect, but I'm sure you can do better and deserve more then a life of deception. 

If she's really"the one", then fate will help her get better and bring her back into your life. Until then, set her free along with all her addictions and personal insecurities that your taking on as you own problems. 

Never forget that LOVE is a verb. Her actions much like my husbands are replaced with nouns it seems. 

Best of luck!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Run while you still can, before their is a ring or a kid involved.

She's not the "one". she is someone who without guilt chose to push you aside on the days she wanted to be with the OM.

read that again: she put you in second place, because on those days she was choosing to have sex with her ex.

not a ONS etc, this was an on going conscious choice she made.

be smart, jettison this one and upgrade to a better GF.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and get checked for STDs, cause who knows what the exBF may be up to ,and you certainly can't trust her to tell you the truth.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Not married, no children, and she already started cheating. This is an easy case. Move on !!

Also, note that this is not a single isolated affair. She posted on several social networking sites actively recruiting other OMs posting nude pictures. Being a nice guy is ok, but don't be a chump.


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## Lost126 (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate them all.

When I asked her about the social websites, she said she just did that on the computer because she was bored but did not intend to meet any men from there.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, if you went to a friend of yours - say any friend - say a woman friend and trash talked your GF and she found out - she would already be gone.

why after the trash talk, the cheating, the lies would you keep her in your life in anyway.

there's neither love or respect in her actions or words.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Be glad you found out before marrying her.


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## mjg81 (Dec 7, 2011)

Lost126 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate them all.
> 
> When I asked her about the social websites, she said she just did that on the computer because she was bored but did not intend to meet any men from there.


Y
ah right! Shes "fishing" as the forum puts it. She lacks respect for herself and most of all your relationship which includes you. You don't have kids and your not married. This is a no brainer.


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