# Can my marriage be saved?



## alwaysbethankful (Dec 28, 2021)

I am a 26F and have been married less than 2 years. My marriage is already at its breaking point and I am afraid I can't save it, but I want to if there's a way - without ruining my life.

Important details:
1) I am married to a 33M who is a twin. His twin's wife and my husband briefly dated in highschool before they broke up and she ended up marrying the other twin. It's a weird situation. While my husband and I were dating, this twin's wife called me and told me she had been trying to scare me off because my now husband was her first love. Ever since then, I haven't had anything to do with her and have begged my husband to do the same. When I confronted her about this with both our husbands present, as well as some other awful things she's done, she denied all of it. Although I know he has no feelings for her, it still makes me uncomfortable for them to have conversation, be close to each other, etc. It genuinely makes me uncomfortable and I am currently in therapy for other things she's done. He has never stood up to her or protected me emotionally in this. He refuses to have boundaries with her and has never stood up to his twin either.
2) my husband secretly had a porn problem and I didn't find out until we were engaged. Although he promises me he's not doing this, he is adamant about me never having his password or ever getting to see what's on his computer. This makes me nervous and I struggle to not be fearful about what he's hiding. He believes that I should trust him enough if he says he's not doing anything. Throughout the entire relationship he has always been weird about his computer.
3) My husband does not report income on his taxes due to his difference in interpretation of the tax code. I was not told this until AFTER we were married. If he were unmarried, there would be a lot less people who could hurt from the consequences from this. However, because we ARE married, this means that we can never own property together, we can never have shared bank accounts or file taxes together, it means he technically can have any assets seized, credit card frozen and be taken to federal prison, and in general leaves me without any promise of financial security one would expect from another working partner. It has made me too scared to have kids knowing there could be a day that I have to raise them/financially support them on my own due to his choices. He has stated more than once that he would rather be single than stop doing his taxes this way. He also recently wired 20k without telling me and was angry after I found out - I mention this extra detail to show the level of comfort he has about _not_ telling me stuff. His parents have told him that there's no use stopping the tax stuff because it's "not going to solve the other problems" and they've said they trust him that he knows what he's doing.

Where we are now: these 3 issues have been constant for most of our relationship resulting in them getting larger, fights turning into screaming matches, broken relationships between our families, and me heavily considering divorce. He has told me that I am self-absorbed, that I stay traumatized (from the twin's wife) as a means to control him, and that if I'm not happy, _I_ have to be the one to walk away and that my unhappiness is _my_ problem, not his. I know that I am being gaslighted, possibly emotionally abused, and maybe even financially abused. HOWEVER. I believe that one should give marriage all they've got before they walk away, and I am trying to do whatever I can to save this marriage. I have tried to get him to go marital counseling but he refuses unless we use his parents or other married siblings as counselors. I am not at all comfortable with that. If I have done wrong by wanting these things to change, someone please tell me. All I hear from him and his family is that I'm not mentally sound, I'm selfish and controlling, and that _I_ am the problem. I don't know what else to do.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

alwaysbethankful said:


> I am a 26F and have been married less than 2 years. My marriage is already at its breaking point and I am afraid I can't save it, but I want to if there's a way - without ruining my life.
> 
> Important details:
> 1) I am married to a 33M who is a twin. His twin's wife and my husband briefly dated in highschool before they broke up and she ended up marrying the other twin. It's a weird situation. While my husband and I were dating, this twin's wife called me and told me she had been trying to scare me off because my now husband was her first love. Ever since then, I haven't had anything to do with her and have begged my husband to do the same. When I confronted her about this with both our husbands present, as well as some other awful things she's done, she denied all of it. Although I know he has no feelings for her, it still makes me uncomfortable for them to have conversation, be close to each other, etc. It genuinely makes me uncomfortable and I am currently in therapy for other things she's done. He has never stood up to her or protected me emotionally in this. He refuses to have boundaries with her and has never stood up to his twin either.
> ...


He's right, if you aren't happy YOU need to walk away, and you ARE responsible for your own happiness, it's your problem to solve. That's not gaslighting. 

He's going to continue to commit tax fraud, keep his computer private, and not change his boundaries around his brother and his wife. 

If that doesn't work for you, you need to divorce him. 

I'd be really careful about the tax fraud, thinking none of it could stick to you. I think it's probably could. Might want to research that.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I agree with Livvie, the tax fraud thing is the biggest deal.

Only you can decide whether you want to save the marriage.
But for me, I could maybe work through no. 1 and 2, but not no. 3.
If he agreed to counseling. On the other hand, if he's as big a butt head as he sounds like, I'd probably have to go.


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## Chaotic_Aquarian (Feb 8, 2021)

He wired 20K without telling you. Was it his money or yours-and what was it for? Does he have access to your bank accounts? His parents are cool with his tax fraud, huh? And the ex-girlfriend/sister in law drama, ugh. I couldn't live with someone like this. Please protect yourself, you're still young.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Are these identical twins? Is he doing some crazy chicanery other than what you have outlined here? It’s all bad…


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, I don’t think your marriage can — or should — be saved. As long as you stay he’ll continue to play you. The sooner you get out the better.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

He doesn't sound like husband material, throw him back now, especially if you want children.


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## alwaysbethankful (Dec 28, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Are these identical twins? Is he doing some crazy chicanery other than what you have outlined here? It’s all bad…


Yes they are identical. The twins wife even went so far as to gift me all kinds of things for our honeymoon that are --- to extreme for me, to say the least. I've tried to make sense of her behavior but there just isn't any sense to be had.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

After reading that, why would you want to save it?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

alwaysbethankful said:


> Yes they are identical. The twins wife even went so far as to gift me all kinds of things for our honeymoon that are --- to extreme for me, to say the least. I've tried to make sense of her behavior but there just isn't any sense to be had.


Wondering if she has gone double mint on them or some other freaky stuff.


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## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

Go whatever makes your heart at peace, never be in a position where you are willing to stay just because you want to save the relationship even if it's very toxic in every aspect of your life.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

I'm being serious, so don't laugh.

Actually write out (not on a computer) a list of pros and cons about him and your marriage and be honest with yourself.

Don't whitewash and sugar coat this.

Be real and after you get this list completed, look at it and you should know whether you should be with him or not.

Good luck to you going forward.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if you are living in the USA, i can guarantee you the IRS or state revenue office will eventually catch up to him and collect those back taxes. It might be five years from now, maybe even ten....but it will happen.

it will contribute greatly to your stress in the years to come. sorry, that sort of stuff does not go away.

when they DO haul him into court, it is likely he will not have to pay 100% of the back taxes, often they cut a deal depending on how much money is available (in things like bank accounts, homes, cars...)


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