# Question about my feelings 2 years post divorce



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I have a question about my confidence / security in myself 2 years on from my divorce. Any advice welcome!

The background is I got married in my early 20s and was divorced at 31. That was 2 years ago. My ex husband was my first real boyfriend as I met him when i was 17. He wasn't very nice to me either emotionally or physically and I got very depressed during/ after the divorce - but that is sorted now and I would say I'm generally speaking quite happy. 

My problem is, I've noticed that I start to feel unhappy about myself / insecure of my 'attractiveness' when I am in a relationship. I have had 2 relationships since my ex husband and both have been kind men who haven't given me any 'reason' to feel bad about myself. But I've noticed I easily start getting worried about how I look or if he will like someone more than me or do something to hurt me ( with another woman). In contrast, when I'm on my own, I feel better about myself and my self image is not too bad. 

I'm thinking this could relate back to my ex husband - he had several affairs ( I don't know all the details because he withheld the details) and he was very good at hiding the truth. I did have about a year of counselling during my separation / divorce and I came to realise that my ex husband was a manipulative person and emotionally quite abusive towards me.

If it relates back to him, any suggestions on how to feel better about myself in a relationship? Also, surely 2 years after divorce, I shouldn't be influenced by that anymore? I would like to be in a relationship and start a family but I'm feeling so hesitant about men.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you ever do any counseling after your divorce? Finding a good person you can talk to and process your thoughts might help. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Well I can relate on a few things that you've talked about. I too am near the 2 year mark of my separation but I have not dated anyone. Although, as suggested you may want to seek an IC to get a better grasp of why you become so concerned with your self worth as soon as you start dating someone.

The affairs no doubt have a part to play in it, what about when you were younger?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Marigold said:


> My problem is, I've noticed that I start to feel unhappy about myself / insecure of my 'attractiveness' when I am in a relationship. I have had 2 relationships since my ex husband and both have been kind men who haven't given me any 'reason' to feel bad about myself. But I've noticed I easily start getting worried about how I look or if he will like someone more than me or do something to hurt me ( with another woman). In contrast, when I'm on my own, I feel better about myself and my self image is not too bad.
> 
> I'm thinking this could relate back to my ex husband - he had several affairs ( I don't know all the details because he withheld the details) and he was very good at hiding the truth. I did have about a year of counselling during my separation / divorce and I came to realise that my ex husband was a manipulative person and emotionally quite abusive towards me.
> 
> If it relates back to him, any suggestions on how to feel better about myself in a relationship? Also, surely 2 years after divorce, I shouldn't be influenced by that anymore? I would like to be in a relationship and start a family but I'm feeling so hesitant about men.....


9 months into my separation and can totally relate to all of the above. I've come to the realization that deep down inside I feel as though no man will ever cherish me or think I'm good enough. The cheating from my ex-h and some recent dating experiences have hardened my heart in those regards. 

In the spirit of being "better not bitter" I've been reading a lot of books about healthy relationships such as Co-Dependent No More and attending CODA meetings. Honestly, I don't know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. My parent's marriage wasn't. My marriage wasn't. Some of my friend's seem to have them but who knows what's going on behind closed doors. 

My therapist says it's a journey towards a moving target. The more you understand your own needs and respect yourself - the more clarity you have on who you want as a partner and what you expect out of a relationship. A successful long term relationship is one where partners can grow together rather than apart. 

At this point to me - that kind of relationship sounds like finding a unicorn. But people keep assuring me it does exist. :scratchhead:


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> 9 months into my separation and can totally relate to all of the above. I've come to the realization that deep down inside I feel as though no man will ever cherish me or think I'm good enough. The cheating from my ex-h and some recent dating experiences have hardened my heart in those regards.
> 
> At this point to me - that kind of relationship sounds like finding a unicorn. But people keep assuring me it does exist. :scratchhead:


:iagree:

But I know my ex didn't cherish me, or adore me, or thought of me as being the best woman for him. His actions spoke the truth. See, before I came to TAM I did not know what an EA was. After learning the term I knew my ex had engaged in multiple EAs (one PA). 
I was his doormat because I was always afraid of becoming my mother and he knew it! He used this fear of mine to keep me agreeing with his ideology of what a healthy marriage should be. I belived him. Even now I have trouble disengaging, I still love him and wish him well.

A lot of us are broken OP, therapy may be the only thing that can help us.

Edited because I don't want to rewrite history. At one point I am sure my ex loved me very much.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

This is quite interesting. I feel the same way. Im almost done with the divorce though, we are just waiting on the signed paperwork to come back and make it official. Until we sell the house, we are living together. Anyways, I frequently feel this way too. It was on and off during the marriage, whenever I suspected he was up to no good, and then at times It would get really bad depending on what I discovered at the time. Even with therapy, it wasn't really resolved. I find myself sometimes going on these random binges. Such as redoing all my clothes, finding a new style, etc. Changing the way my hair, skin, teeth look, etc. I hope we are not gonna be this way forever. I know that he is the one who is probably insecure and should feel worthless, but I cant help but let it affect the way I feel about myself too. 

I guess I never thought highly of myself before we married, and then when you add all the secretive cheating, etc. It just makes the problem bigger. 

I hope that with time, we all find the help we need and are able to change our way of thinking.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

It all comes down to self worth and being self aware, the only person in control of that is you. Does that mean others may try at times to detour you from feeling your best? Of course, we all have our own personal agendas in this world. Although, some of us don't have the desire to drag another through the mud with us. This is due to the fact that the ones who don't, actually understand that for the most part external forces have nothing to do with our lives.

We roll with the punches and do the best we can with whatever variables come towards us. Variables in life are what many get hooked up on, myself included at times. All the what ifs, could have beens and so forth. When you allow yourself to get trapped in that mindset, the slightest pin dropping will set you off. Snow flakes turn into snow balls and rain into hail.

Yet, if you remain idle in your situation and let all the crap fall to the sides you may come to realize it's not nearly as bad as you feel it is. It takes gaining self control of your emotions to obtain this though.

In the last 2 years I have asked out only 2 women, both times I was told they already had boyfriends. Before asking them, I told myself I would not take it personal and I rolled with it. I'm glad I actually ballsed up and took a shot in the dark because you never know.

I have also been asked out and I turned her down, a friend of mine wanted to set me up with someone and I told that friend she wasn't for me. Both woman were sweet in there own rights, but not in the same position in life as I am. Nothing against them, nor arrogance on my part but I'm not okay entering a relationship to simply pass the time and gain 'in the moment' satisfaction. Especially at the expense of someone who wants more than I am willing to give.

We all have our scars moving forward, some call it baggage. There is no escaping it and trying to bury it a foot deeper each time the grave trembles only makes it worse. Take the experiences moving forward and do something with it. Apply it. Take your chances when you feel it could be something and go with the flow.

If it doesn't work out, that's okay. Take a step back, look into it (to an extent .. don't drive yourself crazy), learn and continue on. I suggest turning the perspective of "hardening my heart" on its head, figure out a way to reconstruct it into "removing the toxicity" from your life. 

Everyone has bad days, I wake up some days and simply don't want to get out of bed and play adult. For a long time I tried to find a 'reason' for it, yes at times there actually is one but on other occasions I'm just being human. So I allow myself to feel sh!tty for the morning, the afternoon or heck even the rest of the day. The difference now, compared to 2 years ago? I tell myself "alright, this is your day to feel like crap but tomorrow is different".

It will all pan out, try not to think about it as much and go do something you enjoy.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you for your thoughtful replies...and it's so helpful to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do....

I don't think my self esteem was probably rock solid before my marriage, but then, I was only still a teenager when I met my ex husband, so I don't know how things would have been without him. I'm certain alot has to do with years and years of feeling 'not good enough' for him. The year of counselling did help me understand that this was his manipulation, not something wrong with me. 

I do understand that there are kind, caring men out here, but in my most recent relationship, that man spent lots of time explaining that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, would look after me, I was a lovely, attractive person etc etc, and then 4 months in, he called it off - essentially not really the right time in his life.....so to me that feels like a rejection of me because I wasn't good enough, even though he did say several times that it really wasn't that. 

I agree with above though, maybe dont dwell on it? We've all got the so called 'baggage' just got to accept it?? And stop thinking too hard? Easier said than done! Do women find self esteem hard anyway???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marigold said:


> Also, surely 2 years after divorce, I shouldn't be influenced by that anymore?


Nope. That's not how it works for some. There are NO timetables with these things. Someone may be over something and someone else may always struggle with it.

Do not beat yourself up.

I definitely think these feelings of yours relate back to the unhealthy parts of your relationship with your ex. You need to tackle them head on. Realize, love is a leap of faith EVERY time. There are simply no guarantees any relationship will work out. All you can do is try to find a partner who is on your same page who treats you with respect. That is one thing. The other thing is realize your past should not hold you prisoner. Accept that your ex was your ex, but he is not every man. There are good guys out there (so I've heard--hehe). And if you need to, get some therapy. Figure out why you are so down on yourself. Because while your ex may have done bad things, they are not a reflection on YOU. Being happy with YOU is up to you.

You will be fine 

Oh and know you are not alone. I sometimes think I operate better alone/solo than in a relationship. I feel more free, in a way. More me.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Marigold, while I would agree with your IC that his manipulation was on him, and there's nothing _wrong_ with you, I would go a step further and say that abusers prey on a certain type of person. There is something in your personality that made you attractive to your abusive ex-H, and made him attractive to you. Most of us who had this in our marriages 'learned' this as children. You said your H had affairs, and yes, this probably did leave you with some emotional scars. 

I would suggest you go back to IC, and look at the environment in which you grew up. You might be surprised at what you find. An example from my own life: Neither of my parents were alcoholics, but my dad's father was. He died when my dad was 10 from a head injury he suffered while drunk. I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood, and married a very dysfunctional guy who was emotionally abusive and had several EAs (at least) while we were married. In going through my recovery, I discovered that a lot of what I felt and did was extremely consistent with an ACOA, even though neither of my parents drank. But because my dad never dealt with his childhood, those things were carried forward another generation. That was a big surprise to me. 

Another thing I would tell you about those feelings of insecurity you get after being in a relationship for a while is this: it can take a long time to heal from infidelity. It's one of the most intensely personal ways a lover can hurt us. It takes time to rebuild after that. Hopefully, you are with someone who truly loves you and understands what you've been through. Be patient with yourself. It's not an easy thing, and I speak from experience. It is hard to trust yourself to another person again. And because sex is a physical thing (at least partly), it makes sense that it would affect the way you feel about your physical attractiveness. It's hard to get reassurance without looking or feeling needy. The best thing I can suggest is something I'm working on, too. Learn to love yourself first. Learn to be OK with how you look and feel, whether you're in a relationship or not. It doesn't mean you won't need to hear your guy tell you that he thinks you're pretty or sexy once in a while, but if he's someone who doesn't say it for some reason, your own good feelings about yourself will help keep you from spiraling back into that self-doubt.

You also might want to see if there are any support groups for women coming out of abusive relationships. I went to one nearly every week for about two years at my YWCA. It wasn't about 'woe is me' or 'men are evil,' it was about building strengths, learning to love ourselves, and becoming healthy. It was great to share with other women with similar situations -- in fact, I've made some good friends there. Incidentally, to link to what I said above: every one of the women that have passed through that group had messed-up childhoods. Every single one. 

Good luck, Marigold!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you Jelly beans and pixie for kind replies.....I think you are both right in everything you put down....

I will need be kinder to myself and not beat myself up about it. Also yes, there is something in my personality to be aware of - that makes it attractive to selfish and insecure people who want to feel better about themselves and also the fact that I seem to put other people's needs infront of mine, which often means I get in situations where I'm not really happy, but someone else is taking advantage. This is what counsellor showed me....i still don't know why that is....I thought my childhood was pretty ok really - I don't remember being unhappy - my parents seemed to have an alright marriage and are still together now...

I suppose most behaviours do stem from past experience - I think my dad did not have a good past - he doesn't speak about it much and is quite emotionally closed. 

I don't know personally anyone who was abused in a relationship except me - but them i suppose maybe people don't talk about it to others.....also I think there is stigma too .... I'm a professional and I appear quite 'strong' I think - I think people just don't expect it. Especially with physical abuse. In fact, I never talked about it - only one other person ever knew about that.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Marigold -- that might be another reason to look for a DV support group. It is very eye-opening to meet women from all parts of society who are going through what you are, and yet you can have a common understanding, quite often.


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