# Do you think my wife cheated on me?



## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Need someone’s take on this…this has been bothering me for awhile.

This is how our relationship evolved…

We worked together in the same office building but different departments. Was called into a meeting in her department and I see this semi-overweight girl with a beautiful face. We locked eyes and couldn't stop staring at each other. For the next couple of weeks, this girl basically stalked me. Following me out to my car after work. Found me online, emailed me and we exchanged numbers. 

We begin dating. Relationship develops in a way that I lose attraction to her for some reason after 3 weeks of dating. Not sure why. Two weeks later I have a change of heart and we start hanging out again. In the two weeks we were apart, she had apparently gotten drunk with a friend because she was upset about me dumping her and made out with some random guy at a bar and didn't tell me about it. I get back together with her not knowing this, only finding out because I was playing with her digital camera and found pics of her making out with this guy. 

I promptly dump her again. She bombards me with crying voice mails, emails, texts, fighting like an animal to get me back. I go for No Contact for two weeks and stupidly give her another chance. 

She drops a ton of weight while dating me to impress me. 7 months later I propose to her, and I leave the company we both worked for to take a new job that will allow me to make more money.

The sex died basically right after the honeymoon. Our sex life was INCREDIBLE while we were dating. 5 days a week at least and sometimes twice an afternoon on the weekends. We were married in May 2009, honeymooned in June, but didn't have sex again until August. We bought a house, diamonds, new cars, got a dog, sort of fulfilling all her dreams in the first few months of marriage. My wife immediately then puts on all this weight and became depressed. Sex became maybe once month. As terrible as this sounds, we maybe had sex 10-15 times as a married couple. I would try to initiate and she just didn't feel like it...was embarrassed of her body and her anti-depressants killed her libido...but I didn't buy it. She did not like to hug me or even kiss me. I once leaned in to kiss her cheek and she literally shuddered. 

She was on cymbalta, strattera, lamictal, and one other prescription med that I don’t remember.

Our marriage gets worse. Constant trashing of everything I did. Not making enough money at work, etc., and had to constantly walk on eggshells, watch everything I said, and pacify her.

We had a really bad massive blowup last summer and told her I wanted out. She immediately left the house and sobbed for one week at her parent's house. She eventually ended up filing for divorce.

When I left the house with my last box of items on September 1, she started sobbing again. I started crying too...and I felt absolutely terrible. 

November 2012 - divorce day at the courthouse. She is emotionless, cold, and has lost a lot of weight. NO CONTACT ensues.

March 2013 - She calls me at work and is very sweet on the phone confirming our meeting time for taxes. An hour later I meet her at the tax office and she is dressed in almost knee-high boots, jeans, sexy top and makeup. It is 6pm on weeknight and we both work 9-5 jobs. She is texting the entire time and when I ask her ANY QUESTIONS regarding financial stuff she is completely dismissive and looks annoyed by my presence. After our meeting, I stand with her in the parking lot and ask if we can talk for a second and get some closure on everything. I ask her how she is doing and she is giving short, abrupt answers to everything. I ask her some more questions about our marriage and she just shrugs her shoulders. She then begins to tell me the following:

1. I ask her if she moved back in the area (she lived with a friend out of town for a few months). "I do live in the area now but I don't need to tell you where I live." 

2. "This is the last time we ever have to meet, I don't need to see you anymore. I moved on."

3. "I am seeing someone now" I ask her if I know him. She looks at me for a long time with a blank stare and says "no." 

Now recently, it turns out that she was screwing one of the IT Directors at her job. He makes really good money, but he is grossly overweight. I’m an athletic former college football player who is still in amazing shape. We are nothing alike. It’s all very confusing. 
She is in HR and she is in charge of recruiting for IT so they have known each other for years. But I’m not sure when the relationship really began. It didn’t really occur to me that she might have been cheating on me until the guy became Facebook friends with her entire family 5 months after our divorce was finalized and that he attended her brother’s destination wedding earlier this summer. I wonder how they could have moved that fast, without an affair occurring. 

Now the question is when. Do you think it happened very early in our marriage when my wife was thin, then got heavy because she felt guilt about cheating? Or was it when she got thin again in the final month of our separation that she got with this guy before we were officially divorced?

I’m doing my best to move on, but this hurts a lot and this recent discovery is really effecting me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Honestly? It doesn't matter, move on.

Go get some counseling because it sounds like you still lover her.
You sound like you are still strongly attached to what SHE WAS not who she turned out to be.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Maybe ? Could be ? Who knows, but why concern yourself with it ? You are divorced, and she sounds like a bag of cats crazy. You are better off without her. You dodged a bullet with no kids.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Please move on. Be thankful you didn't get her pregnant or you could be connected to her the rest of your life. She sounds kind of nuts.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

If it happened before the divorce, I would guess right around the time she started trashing you for not making enough money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Dude listen to me at this point your honestly picking the fly sh1t out of the pepper.. 

For some reason you rushed into this marriage after she lost weight. It is obvious you have issues with someones appearance and your more into looks then substance. I'm not knocking you because that is how I am. Its a sad truth. My problem and I hate to say yours seems to be that you might be equating SEX with LOVE.. 

But you never mentioned marriage counseling or therapy. Marriage counseling is out of the question now. But therapy isn't, go to it and learn from this.

At this point it really does not matter. Do you love her ? I mean grow a pair and just say yes or no.. Do you fvcking love her ?? 

If no then your pride is hurt get over it.. But don't be fooled because your ego will make you think you love her because of what she might have done to you and who she left you for.. 

Just because you're in good shape don't mean sh1t with woman.. 

Look I'm a cop of just about 24 years.. Been with my Soon to be Ex for 19 years.. 14 years married. Put her through college. When dating I had to straighten out her ex boyfriend. We have 2 boys 8 and 13.. I make about 130k a year.. I have a million dollar home with about 750k in equity in it.. If I retired today I would bring home probably around 6k a month without working.. I do computer forensics and have testified as a computer forensic expert and a expert in basic electronics.. I could probably get another job making anywhere from 100k to 130k. End result I can probably bring him 10k a month cash if I retired and find another job between pension and new job income.

Currently I am 6'3" 235 to 238 lbs.. I'm 46 and I know I look younger. I am far from a fashion model but I know I look good.. I have zero issues talking to a woman if I want to. I'm in big city where I can walk out to lunch and meet women. Even my friends that where holding my hand 8 months ago in January as I cried at my desk like a little boy are amazed.. 

My wife who I will admit is very beautiful for 49, left me for a man who is 5'3", 54 years old, has no real job. He thought as I found out from friends that knew his family, that he had struck gold because my wife make much more money then him and almost as much as me. Thanks to me putting her through college as we dated. He thought she would get half my pension and basically I would be paying their rent and utilities and they would have to work minimal and just be on easy street.

So imagine how the fvck I feel my wife left me for a fvcking midget and pretty much abandoned my kids who are with ME full time.. She only visits with one boy the youngest 2 days a week. She hasn't spoken to my oldest for 3 months.. What the fvck did my boy do to her to be treated like that ??

You know what I had to do ? I moved on.. I have zero, zero clue why she left, What I did wrong.. I don't love you anymore and she moved in with this piece of sh1t.. 

So I go to therapy once a week and try to sort all this stuff out.. I talk with my friends and I try to date.. Sex does wonders and now it really is easy.. A couple of dates and you know where you stand, if it isn't on the first or 2nd date...

Dude go to therapy and move on.. let her go.. you have no kids.. learn from this and don't do these mistakes again.. That is what I am doing.. I go to therapy to make sure I don't push any bad traits I might have onto my kids.. 

But come here and vent for sure.. let it out.. But be honest with yourself.. 

It sort of sounds like your upset she moved on much faster then you thought she would..


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I tried dating a little...but it didn't seem right because when I did try dating I could not stop thinking about my ex-wife and realized that I still did love her. I'm working on myself and trying to rid these feelings.

This information came to my attention through a mutual friend. Sorry, I am very very depressed by this and didn't know where to go to vent my feelings.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's ok to vent just get some ic and start dating again. You can do much better than her.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Hardtohandle - amazing. Thanks for the response.

We did attend marriage counseling. 

I sought counseling myself this summer when I was dealing with major depression. I'm 6-2, and my weight dropped to 150 lbs, and that's when I had a personal intervention. I'm a bit healthier now.

I have had sex with two women since the divorce and the guilt of doing so made me drop off the dating map for awhile until I was in a better place....until I heard what she did and I'm faced with an assortment of strange and hurtful feelings.

As to salary - I make 70K per year and her new guy makes 100K, we are all in our 30's. So, maybe she had grass is greener syndrome...but whatever, it's over.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Drink protein shakes and hit the weights at the gym you will start to feel better.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I never understood why people marry for the eye candy. In the end you will need someone to talk/share and grown old with


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might have. She might not.

You need some counselling to help you get beyond her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your pain. It sounds like your XW broke your heart. It's very hard to recover from that, but the people here will attest that it is doable and, in fact, that you can come out of it much happier.

I will say that the problem seems very much to be with her. She doesn't sound stable. Her weight changes no doubt reflect and affect that. You want to know if she was cheating before you broke up, but this is something you may never know. Anything is possible, of course, but there aren't huge red flags in your description that point to it, in my opinion.

It may not feel like you dodged a bullet, but I will bet that you will come to believe that you did when you meet a nice stable woman who loves you the way you deserve.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> I'm so sorry for your pain. It sounds like your XW broke your heart. It's very hard to recover from that, but the people here will attest that it is doable and, in fact, that you can come out of it much happier.
> 
> I will say that the problem seems very much to be with her. She doesn't sound stable. Her weight changes no doubt reflect and affect that. You want to know if she was cheating before you broke up, but this is something you may never know. Anything is possible, of course, but there aren't huge red flags in your description that point to it, in my opinion.
> 
> It may not feel like you dodged a bullet, but I will bet that you will come to believe that you did when you meet a nice stable woman who loves you the way you deserve.


:iagree::iagree:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

It seems to me that she was more attracted to your paycheck than you yourself. Just as she was/is attracted to the new "fat guy", just for his paycheck.

She only looses the weight long enough to do some gold digging, then packs it back on.

Don't worry, she'll break up with this guy also. Right after she drops the extra weight again...


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> It seems to me that she was more attracted to your paycheck than you yourself. Just as she was/is attracted to the new "fat guy", just for his paycheck.
> 
> She only looses the weight long enough to do some gold digging, then packs it back on.
> 
> Don't worry, she'll break up with this guy also. Right after she drops the extra weight again...


Everyone has told me the same thing. That she will make his life miserable once her true personality is revealed. She's in the honeymoon phase, which I have been with her, and it's all downhill once a commitment is it put into place. Ugh. Thanks for the replies...I'm feeling better with the support I'm getting.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Yes the girl has some emotional problems (but I don't think she's MAD). Obviously an emotional eater too. You clearly have your own issues and wouldn't like to be described as MAD.
She's with this guy because he won't hurt her - (in her head - he's 'safe').
Him being overweight takes the pressure off her to lose weight.

Very difficult maybe for her to be intimate with someone who is so 'sorted' with regards his fitness levels if she is over weight and uncomfortable about it. (you sir - being slim and fit - will never understand a fat person's mental baggage unless you've been there!)
My advice would be - get yourself some counselling - then if you still have feelings for her - man up and express them to her! Are you more bothered about the fact that she could have possibly cheated or that you still have feelings for her? 
If she understood that you would love her unconditionally - you might find that she'd be receptive to counselling and reconciliation too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cinema79 said:


> I ask her some more questions about our marriage and she just shrugs her shoulders. She then begins to tell me the following:
> 
> 1. I ask her if she moved back in the area (she lived with a friend out of town for a few months). "I do live in the area now but I don't need to tell you where I live."
> 
> ...


Neither of you were happy in the marriage. You divorced her. Then you want closure? Closure is a pop-culture word that means nothing. People use it when they are looking for something to make themselves feel better. So you asked her for "closure" (read... make me feel better).

Her answers were the right ones. She does not want you anywhere near her or her life. 

You need to move on with your life now. 

You will most likely never know if she cheated while you were married. It does not matter now. You did not like how she treated you and so you divorced her. That was a healthy thing to do. What you are doing now is not healthy.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

Probably best to just move on since the D is now final.

If you have a need to get this off your chest, just text or e-mail her that you finally figured out why your M went to s**t. You know she was banging this fat slob while you were still together.

End by telling her you are now absolutely joyful that you'll never have to see her cheating a** again and she can f off.

Then go dark and never talk to her again.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

There is a 60% chance it entered at least the EA stage when she started trashing you for the money. PA time length indeterminate.

Move on AND GET LAID. It will do wonders for your ego. 

Shes gone. YOU LOST... Or did you? No alimony? No child support? Young enough to get wife 2.0 with the loyalty chip pre-installed. There are men here who have to pay their cheating wh0re ex wives 2k a month to fvck another man!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

As Joe Biden would say,

"Two words: Borderline Personality Disorder."


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

It doesn't matter you're divorced forget her. It's likely she gained the weight because that's what yo-yo dieters do!! I've been gaining/losing the same 20 pounds for the past 20 yrs


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

First of all, at the beginning of your relationship you dumped her because your feelings had changed. She had every right to make out with whom ever she wanted. You didn't give her a second chance..you had no power in that situation to give her another chance. She was an idiot to give you that power and to apologize to begin with. 

Second of all...so what if she went up and down with weight. She is a woman and sometimes that is what our bodies do. 

You will probably never know if she cheated during the marriage...maybe not and in that case she had every right to move on when it ended. I think your bent about her because she looks good right now, with someone else and doesn't want to have anything to do with you. If she was still heavy, I don't think you would give a sh*t what she was doing.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> As Joe Biden would say,
> 
> "Two words: Borderline Personality Disorder."


My parents sent me an article on that after she rubbed it in my face that she was "seeing someone" a mere two months after we divorced. This does explain a lot based the meds she was taking.

I was dating a girl for two months this summer, and I think one of the last things I would have done was rubbed in my ex-wife's face that I was sleeping with somebody. I am not that way.

For the record, she gained 45 lbs in the first year of marriage. I saw the report after she came back from her physician. 

I think one of the toughest things that makes moving on tough is that I can't just remove my feelings for her in the span of a few months. We've known each other for 5 years, and I haven't even been divorced for a full year. And trust me, I do have the ability to move on, otherwise I would be still mourning the end of my recent summer relationship where I was starting to develop feelings for that woman.

Like a previous poster mentioned, I don't think reconciliation is in the cards. She essentially quit on our marriage a year into it, possibly cheated on me, and moved on to her next guy in almost no time. She DID NOT love me.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> First of all, at the beginning of your relationship you dumped her because your feelings had changed. She had every right to make out with whom ever she wanted. You didn't give her a second chance..you had no power in that situation to give her another chance. She was an idiot to give you that power and to apologize to begin with.


Hey Lisa...

I'm not trying to rewrite history here, but she hid this from me and I found out on my own three weeks after the fact. She asked me if I hooked up with anyone in the time we were apart and I asked her the same. So, she lied. I busted her on it, and she cried for me to take her back.



lisab0105 said:


> Second of all...so what if she went up and down with weight. She is a woman and sometimes that is what our bodies do.


45 lbs, in my opinion, is excessive in the first year of marriage -but that wasn't a deal breaker. Heck, I might lose my hair, lose a limb, get disfigured. That love should not waver. 



lisab0105 said:


> I think your bent about her because she looks good right now, with someone else and doesn't want to have anything to do with you. If she was still heavy, I don't think you would give a sh*t what she was doing.


She is getting heavy again. I saw her recently tagged in a photo of her with a mutual friend. Her weight gain NEVER bothered me, it was her treatment and neglect that hurt me. I'm bent out of shape about the implied cheating - it stings. 

Thanks.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't be a Facebook stalker dude, let this crap go.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

There's a door that you are missing called 'lucky' when you do see it, run through it into some other life

no kids ! ? you have a free pass out of there

take it


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Wether she did or did not cheat is a mute point now, although it must have been a shock to you to realise that she could have.

Move on, don't look back. You can learn a lot from this about yourself and about relationships. You have learnt a painful lesson and come away relatively unscathed.

There are many who have not got away so easily as you have been fortunate enough to do. 

There are stories from around here and elsewhere that would make your toes curl up in anger and rage for them.

I personally think you dodged a bullet.

Another lesson: Anyone on that huge amount of psychoactive medication is going to have a LOT of mental problems, which will have the potential of being very difficult to live with and sends out a clear message:

Stay Away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cinema79 said:


> I tried dating a little...but it didn't seem right because when I did try dating I could not stop thinking about my ex-wife and realized that I still did love her. I'm working on myself and trying to rid these feelings.
> 
> This information came to my attention through a mutual friend. Sorry, I am very very depressed by this and didn't know where to go to vent my feelings.


The sex stopped as soon as you married, she never loved you , you were just a meal ticket. On top of that, she is a jerk.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Cinema

Just seeing the list of medication your ex was on should have made you run.

Count your blessings. Listen to your parents.

And move on with your life.

Because your exwife is nuts my friend.

HM


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Instead of pining, you should be dancing in the streets. That being said, you need to do some soul searching about the way you decide who you want as a mate. You need to find someone you would love wether she was 120 lbs or 220lbs.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> The sex stopped as soon as you married, she never loved you , you were just a meal ticket. On top of that, she is a jerk.


Yes. And the new guy? I guarantee there is no love there either, just another meal ticket worth 30K more. So what, they will have better furniture and a bigger plate at Applebee's. Best of luck to them!

Waking up to this thread is a good start to my day. Yes, I dodged a huge bullet by not knocking this woman up. I imagine her going off her meds during the pregnancy being a absolute monster to live with.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cinema79

Look, it's coming up on a year for me since I first found out and my life turned upside down.. If you think I don't cry about it your nuts..

Trust me it's hard. I know it is.. The only thing I can tell you is it gets better, *BUT* you need to get past this first. 

There is no quick way of getting past this. Trust me if I knew of a way I would have taken it. If I knew I could be put in a coma for a month and woke up forgetting all of this I would.. As rough as it would have been for my kids being without me for a month, trust me I would have taken the easy route out of this.. 

But again reality tells you if you take the easy way out you learn nothing from this.. You will just do the same mistakes over again..

It is this moment in your life that will define the new you.. Trust me the old you is gone and you know it.

I wish I could find that clause in the divorce/breakup contract that would allow me to take my wife back. I would I could say *"look she has this bug in her ear that was mind controlling her. That is why she was like this, whoohooo Thank god my wife is back"*

But it isn't going to happen.. I wish it could or would.. Sadly I needed to move on. I don't want to honestly. If I could just sell my house and just shut everyone out and move on with my life and wife and kids knowing it would be good I would. But I know it won't.

Moving away to a new place to start fresh never fixes anything, because that's not the thing that is broken.. It's her that is broken. A new home, A new place sadly won't fix her. 

All that will happen is I will be left yet again with my kids in this new place and new home.

It svcks not having control over this stuff. I know.. The only, only answers is you have to get up and just drag yourself around in life for a bit until it gets better. Trust me when I tell you not having kids makes this tons easier.. I still have to talk to her somehow, sometimes.. Imagine trying to talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you ? I don't even have a clue how to get things across to her. I literally have one way text messages with her and just hope she reads them.. 

She wouldn't give up one kid but gave up the other... I don't even get that.. But both are with me most of the time. But on paper the y are apart. I tried to keep them together but she said no. 

Another thing is honestly your young.. Trust me being 36 is not the same as 46.. You can marry a 28 year old woman. Can you imagine me at 46 dating a 28 old woman to get married ? I'm not saying its impossible, but many honest issues really do come into play in this type of relationship.. But nothing is stopping you from finding some extremely attractive 46 year old that would love to have a 36 year old man. 

In many ways I feel like marisa tomei in the movie my cousin vinny "My biological time clock is ticking like this"Biological Clock Scene from My Cousin Vinny - YouTube

So my point is this, when you think you have it bad. Someone else has it worse.. 

Go back to therapy and vent here.. Nothing wrong with crying and being sad.. Its all normal part of the process


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You got smart and sold them lemon car you got sold under false pretenses, now you see some other sucker driving the clunker and you long for the fantasy lies that got you to first buy it.

Her behavior while dating sounds like an emotionally messed up with her radically throwing herself at you, love bombing you etc.

It speaks to a very immature and self doubting person.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Her behavior while dating sounds like an emotionally messed up with her radically throwing herself at you, love bombing you etc.
> 
> It speaks to a very immature and self doubting person.


She was 25 when we met, and for some reason she thought she'd never get married. When I came into her life, I was her absolute best option. She did not know my salary and was attracted to me based on looks alone and how I handled myself in a meeting at our job. I remember going on a trip to Paradise Island, Bahamas and her staring at my body and saying "wow, you're ripped!" lol 

But I do remember, her being a bit disappointed when she found out I was making 55K at the time and she once told me to go talk to my new employer about a salary increase. I was a little peeved about this, but let it slide, because we were fine financially.

As the relationship moved forward, she just started to shut down. I think a lot of her co-workers had husbands who made 85K-95K and I looked like a chump compared to them in the earnings department. Keep in mind, these guys were much older than me and had kids with their wives, but it made HER look like she "settled". She was getting this heat at work, and there seemed to be no way I could win. 

(note: her co-workers never liked her, excluded her from lunch, girls night out, etc.)

Why didn't we have kids? Well, she was treating me like garbage and we weren't having sex at all. She begged for kids, and I put my foot down and told her that we needed to be in better place in our relationship for this to be an option. Keep in my mind that I wanted sex at least 4 times week, so it's not like I didn't find her attractive...and I most certainly wanted children with her. 

So, I was getting devalued. And what has happened here is that I am the victim of a hypergamy. My ex-wife saw this guy (who lived with his mom, and...I'm very sorry to be shallow...not good looking at all and obese) making 100K and decided that his situation was better for whatever reason. More money = status...which I apparently didn't have.

Like you *HardtoHandle*, it makes me sick to my stomach. Why is all of this happening? 

The irony of all this is that I'm on the verge of making a lot more money because I recently got promoted (15K increase) and now have the ability to branch swing to a better job because I'm now qualified to apply for them. So, my earning potential would have increased if we were still married, but she was either impatient or didn't realize my potential.

So, I'm trying to move on, hitting the weights hard, running up to 30 miles a week (down from the 50-70 miles a week I used to run while married), applying for new jobs, trying to date (*very hard at age 34*, everyone is married or has boyfriends), and traveling a ton, volunteering. 

But like others have said, it is hard. I really hope time is on my side here. It just seems like she had no trouble throwing me in the garbage and moving on with her life. I doubt she ever thinks about me. It's downright disturbing.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Cinema79 said:


> She was 25 when we met, and for some reason she thought she'd never get married. When I came into her life, I was her absolute best option. She did not know my salary and was attracted to me based on looks alone and how I handled myself in a meeting at our job. I remember going on a trip to Paradise Island, Bahamas and her staring at my body and saying "wow, you're ripped!" lol
> 
> But I do remember, her being a bit disappointed when she found out I was making 55K at the time and she once told me to go talk to my new employer about a salary increase. I was a little peeved about this, but let it slide, because we were fine financially.
> 
> ...


Just wait 'til yur 50...

You sound a lot better now than in your first post. You have much to offer, the right woman. And sometimes you aren't even looking, but she finds you anyway.

I think that maybe you were more concerned about "the one that got away", getting away and not so much who that "one" was...

Sometimes it's better to have a one that get's away. Have you ever tried to take a shark of the hook? They thrash and try to bite you. Just keep moving ahead and trawl the new waters.

And if you hook another dogfish, just cut the line this time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are PLENTY of great women looking for a good guy your age. Just give it some time. It sounds like your heart hasn't really been in it since the divorce, but that will change.

Your W has real issues. Serious issues. I don't think it's all about the money. I think she sounds really conflicted, like on the one hand she is lower rank than you physically & thus feels self-conscious and has low esteem and and has to sabotage the whole thing. On the other hand, she's greedy enough to want a man who makes a certain amount of dough, so discounted you.

So, now she's got the perfect man for her - a fat guy who can only make her look better & who makes the money she wants. She had no way of knowing that the money issue would naturally solve itself as you moved up the ladder. The first issue of her being messed-up about her own self-image would always have been there.

Again, I think you dodged a bullet.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Your W has real issues. Serious issues. I don't think it's all about the money. I think she sounds really conflicted, like on the one hand she is lower rank than you physically & thus feels self-conscious and has low esteem and and has to sabotage the whole thing.


I think one line that will always resonate with me, was something she said in counseling along the lines of "if you would gain a little more weight, I'd be more inclined to have sex with you." Granted at 6-2, 165 - I'm not huge but I'm not sickly either. I was just in REALLY good shape - like a soccer player. I never really thought about her sabotaging our relationship because of this ... but wow ... it does make sense. Sad. 



alte Dame said:


> So, now she's got the perfect man for her - a fat guy who can only make her look better & who makes the money she wants.


It makes me sick to read this, because I did everything I could possibly do to make her love me. Worked my ass off at my job, her parents loved me, her brother love me, I always dressed nice and kept myself in shape, praised her, rubbing her feet and massaging her back after work, and I did a good majority of the housework, heck - even our yard was one of the best in the burbs. But you are right, I was not the guy for her. I can't control who I fall in love with, and I can't control who she decided to fall out of love and in love with. 

OK - enough venting for today. I need to get outside.

Thanks again for all of the support.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Actually at 34 you are at the age where the tables have turned. Roughly 32-35 the odds begin to favor males.

Heal up first and get some counseling for your issues. That way when the future Mrs Cinema v2.0 comes into your life , you will be healed and ready to bring her into your life.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I never thought I was the one who had issues in our relationship. I never took psych drugs, never went to counseling, etc. I was really a happy guy up until the first year of marriage when it all went haywire. 

But, the more I've read up on BPD, the more I realize she had to have it. I have NEVER seen such odd behavior out of any of the women I've dated, and I've been in few LTR's enough to know that she is completely unique. I think the hardest thing about letting go was that this was MY WIFE, and I took my vows very seriously. 

This wasn't some girlfriend, as I was able to get over those relationships quickly.

But wow, she got over me fast. She has seduced her new guy, his family, his friends all in a matter of months. I cannot fathom someone moving that quickly after a divorce. I am absolutely shell shocked by this - I almost don't believe this is reality.

I can only see this ending REALLY badly. This guy has no clue of the hell that awaits...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> ...her staring at my body and saying "wow, you're ripped!" ....
> So, I'm trying to move on, hitting the weights hard, *running up to 30 miles a week (down from the 50-70 miles a week I used to run while married*), ...I think one line that will always resonate with me, was something she said in counseling along the lines of "if you would gain a little more weight, I'd be more inclined to have sex with you." Granted at 6-2, 165 - I'm not huge but I'm not sickly either. I was just in REALLY good shape - like a soccer player. .....


165lbs at 6'2" does seem a bit light. Why are you running so much?

There are other methods of cardio, like plyometrics, turbo boxing, martial arts, P90X, etc....you can use weighted gloves to make it an upper body workout at the same time.

I'm 6' and at my lowest point after divorce I shrank to about 170lbs, and it wasn't a great look. I'm not trying to knock you, just want to encourage you to maybe reduce the running and increase the weight training. Eat every 3 hrs and you should be able to pack on some healthy weight. 

Keep your head up, buddy.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Cinema79 said:


> The more I've read up on BPD, the more I realize she had to have it.


Cinema, I agree with you and Machiavelli that the behaviors you describe -- the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," blame-shifting, and rapid flips between loving and devaluing you -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).


> She DID NOT love me.


Perhaps not. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she probably did (albeit in the intermittent and immature way that a four year old is able to love). One of the hallmarks of BPDers is their ability to flip between loving you and devaluing you (even hating you) in just a few seconds -- based only on some minor comment or action that triggers their fear of abandonment or engulfment. When their fears are triggered, their love feelings are "split off." 

That is, those feelings are placed completely out of touch of the conscious mind because BPDers cannot tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. I discuss that at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522, which you have already read (thanks, by the way, for "liking" it).


> She was on cymbalta, strattera, lamictal....


Because BPD is a dysfunctional way of thinking, there are no meds that can make a dent in this disorder. Psychiatrists nonetheless usually prescribe meds for BPDers. The reason is that, in addition to the BPD itself, the vast majority of BPDers typically have one or two "clinical disorders" such as PTSD, depression, bipolar, adult ADHD, or anxiety.

The _Cymbalta_ is used to treat depression, which most BPDers have. The _Strattera_ is used to treat ADHD, which in adults is strongly associated with BPD because BPDers typically have a lack of impulse control.

As to the _Lamictal_, it is commonly used to treat bipolar disorder (and PTSD) -- which is strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, a recent study (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar sufferers also have full-blown BPD (and a third of BPDers have bipolar). Your W therefore may well have both of those disorders. 

If you are interested, I explain how to tell the difference between typical bipolar behavior and BPD behavior at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. I am not a psychologist. That description of differences is based on my 15 years of experience with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> She was on cymbalta, strattera, lamictal, and one other prescription med that I don’t remember.


She obviously has no clue what she's doing, or even what planet she's on. What makes you think you can figure it out?

Turn off the light, shut and lock the door, toss the key, walk away and don't waste another thought on this woman.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> . . . It makes me sick to read this, because *I did everything I could possibly do to make her love me. Worked my ass off at my job, her parents loved me, her brother love me, I always dressed nice and kept myself in shape, praised her, rubbing her feet and massaging her back after work, and I did a good majority of the housework,* heck - even our yard was one of the best in the burbs. But you are right, I was not the guy for her. I can't control who I fall in love with, and I can't control who she decided to fall out of love and in love with.
> 
> OK - enough venting for today. I need to get outside.
> 
> Thanks again for all of the support.


Actually, this isn't the way to make a woman love you. You are a victim of feminist lies about what woman want from men. Please read _"Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" _(Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.). It will help you immensely in attracting desirable women and, once you have found the one you want, keeping her loyal.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It is fairly common for folks to want closure and answers. This woman has no desire to do so. You gave her a lot and she gave you very little. You did indeed dogde the bullet.

Move on. There are many things in life that you will never figure out and this is one of them. Frustrating but don't let her rent anymore space in your head.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Definitely let it lie and move on. If you travel down this road trying to uncover all of your ex's dirty secrets, all you will end up with is pain. 

Why do this? 

She was lousy wife material. She could not stick it out in the marriage and work on the probelms the two of you had. Even if you had discovered she was running around on you, the end result would have been the same. She most likely would have either lied until death or found a way to condone any infidelity she might have committed. Just move on and pick a better woman next time around.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Let her go, brother. It's not worth the pain to hang onto this bad memory. You will heal, and get better. Maybe you will find a woman who likes to hit the gym with you, run with you, do the things you BOTH like to do. And since she's in good shape, she'll love to make love with you. I see a win-win in your future. Hang onto THAT vision, and let go of this dismal one. 

I read a sign in a cafe the other day that said, how can you start a new chapter in your life if you keep re-reading the last one?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> It is fairly common for folks to want closure and answers. This woman has no desire to do so. You gave her a lot and she gave you very little. You did indeed dogde the bullet.
> 
> Move on. There are many things in life that you will never figure out and this is one of them. Frustrating but *don't let her rent anymore space in your head.*


. . . or your heart.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Actually at 34 you are at the age where the tables have turned. Roughly 32-35 the odds begin to favor males.
> 
> Heal up first and get some counseling for your issues. That way when the future Mrs Cinema v2.0 comes into your life , you will be healed and ready to bring her into your life.


Very true regarding your age.. 32 to 35 is where women that have been dating around finally start to look to settle down. Especially if they want kids.. 

But I after your 40s.. I will tell you woman in their 40s who have no kids are not looking for someone who is a full time dad like myself.. They are just as vain or cynical as men when it comes to that department. They don't want to be tied down to a home, they want to go on vacations 2 or 3 times a year.. I don't have that luxury with my boys and I will not leave them behind either..

End result the true honesty is I am better finding a woman with KIDS in their mid to late 30s who gets it.. Which is what I am doing.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I'm at the point were having kids is just not a realistic possibility. I have no idea when I'll meet my next gf, and I think it's a poor decision to seek out a someone out of desperation (which my wife has done, if she DIDN'T cheat on me, and legitimately found the first single available guy in the office to hook up with and attempt to start a family with). 

I was hoping, that in our second year of marriage that we would have been at a point where kids were a real possibility. But, her treatment of me just gave me no confidence in us being a functional family unit. She was pressuring me for kids regardless, but didn't want sex, and I would often state in counseling that we couldn't get from A to B without making that move to become more intimate. 

It's like she never got it. She was willing to put aside her true feelings for me just to get a child...and so I put my foot down...which made her withdraw even further because she felt like I wasn't invested in our relationship or future. 

So - I'm still broken up about all of this. You can stand in front of 450 people in a church, claim until death do you part, and 3 years down the road your are screwing your co-worker. 

How can I possibly have faith in someone again? sorry for ranting....


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> How can I possibly have faith in someone again? sorry for ranting....


You have faith because you KNOW that not all people are like your XW. That's how. I'm not at all like her. None of my friends is like her. My daughter isn't at all like her. There are hordes of stable women out there who would be thrilled for a chance with a guy like you.

Sh!t happens, OP. You can have your life planned out, but then something happens to remind you that there are never any guarantees. This is what has happened to you. You're still young, though, so there's an entire beautiful vista out there for you if you start to look for it.

From what you've written, your XW is seriously unstable. Her meds indicated serious disorder. She may have masked this for you for a while, but it eventually showed itself.

My H has two close friends whose heartbreak with first wives sounds similar to yours. They wanted children and family. They divorced their wives and purposely sought decent, stable, attractive women. They were both happily married within 3 years of their divorces. Their second wives are great. Long-term marriages, each with two kids who are now in college. 

Remember the old song, 'Love is wonderful the second time around'? It's true for many.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your X is simply a broken, self absorbed, narcissist with zero morals and little or no character. That is how she was able to act the way she did and still does with no empathy for how her actions affect others. Do not live in the past. It is hard to accept given that you committed 100% to her, but you actually lucked out here.

She is not a good person and is not capable of having a REAL relationship because she is not willing to be honest. A real marriage is a give and take scenario. Communication and compromise is key. She is incapable of that. Her new man will find out soon enough unless he is a total doormat and lets her make all the decisions and run his life.

Let it go. You will meet someone when you least expect it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Cinema79 said:


> She was 25 when we met, and for some reason she thought she'd never get married. When I came into her life, I was her absolute best option. She did not know my salary and was attracted to me based on looks alone and how I handled myself in a meeting at our job. I remember going on a trip to Paradise Island, Bahamas and her staring at my body and saying "wow, you're ripped!" lol
> 
> But I do remember, her being a bit disappointed when she found out I was making 55K at the time and she once told me to go talk to my new employer about a salary increase. I was a little peeved about this, but let it slide, because we were fine financially.
> 
> ...


You kidding me? Not yet middle age (not that there's anything wrong with that) but man, you're in your prime.

If you've got your own house, no commitments as in kids the world is your oyster. Join a dating site, you'll be surprised by the amount of women just looking for a good dude to settle down with.

Go date and have fun. Dating is not signing on for marriage, it's meeting people and interacting. Go for it!


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> You kidding me? Not yet middle age (not that there's anything wrong with that) but man, you're in your prime.
> 
> If you've got your own house, no commitments as in kids the world is your oyster. Join a dating site, you'll be surprised by the amount of women just looking for a good dude to settle down with.
> 
> Go date and have fun. Dating is not signing on for marriage, it's meeting people and interacting. Go for it!


No house, tiny apartment. No kids (that I know of!).


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cinema79 said:


> I'm at the point were having kids is just not a realistic possibility. I have no idea when I'll meet my next gf, and I think it's a poor decision to seek out a someone out of desperation (which my wife has done, if she DIDN'T cheat on me, and legitimately found the first single available guy in the office to hook up with and attempt to start a family with).
> 
> I was hoping, that in our second year of marriage that we would have been at a point where kids were a real possibility. But, her treatment of me just gave me no confidence in us being a functional family unit. She was pressuring me for kids regardless, but didn't want sex, and I would often state in counseling that we couldn't get from A to B without making that move to become more intimate.
> 
> ...


The meds she is on, that you listed, and you said you do not know them all, says a lot about her mental condition.

She is a person who you will more then likely never really get to know. As a therapist I know her type, just based on some things you have said. 

Don't try to figure this one out. It is not worth the energy at this point in your life.

And rant all you want and all you need to here.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> The meds she is on, that you listed, and you said you do not know them all, says a lot about her mental condition.
> 
> She is a person who you will more then likely never really get to know. As a therapist I know her type, just based on some things you have said.
> 
> ...


Thanks. 

I have not spoken to her in 60+ days. I had to correspond with her about some financial documents and she was incredibly condescending and rude in her last email. You could read between in the lines and see the hate. I thought she'd be over things by now with her new boyfriend - and not resort to anger whenever she had to deal with me. 

As a therapist, what do think she has? Is this BPD?

Since she _was_ my wife, I do have vested interest in her. (I cannot deny that otherwise I wouldn't be here) - so what I want to know if her patterns will be repeated with "Mr. 30K More"?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cinema79 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I have not spoken to her in 60+ days. I had to correspond with her about some financial documents and she was incredibly condescending and rude in her last email. You could read between in the lines and see the hate. I thought she'd be over things by now with her new boyfriend - and not resort to anger whenever she had to deal with me.
> 
> ...





Cinema79 said:


> No house, tiny apartment. No kids (that I know of!)


Cinema, my friend who is also divorced with 3 kids.. Lives in his mothers basement and can't afford even help pay the rent.

when married he owned 2 homes was looking to buy his 3rd home and had 2 new cars.. 

His wife cleaned him out and his lawyer failed to express that she could not move out of state, so she did. It took him 6 months of going to court to have the judge agree to have her meet him HALFWAY when picking up and dropping off the kids..

End result for 6 months he was paying 25 dollars in tolls and using up 1/2 a tank of gas every time he had to go get them. 

Super Storm Sandy caused him to incur over time that she immediately went to court and get an increase in child support which she got. So now he is doing less to no overtime but still has to pay the increase until he can go back to court to show them that his pay has been reduced.. So he is even more broke now..

So tiny apartment isn't bad, trust me.

My wife hasn't spoken to OUR 13 year old son in months.. Why I have no clue, I can assume out of shame and guilt. But until she tells me I am left guessing. 

As for me, that anger you're getting from your Soon to Be Ex Wife ( STBXW common acronym here). Well I have been getting that since January.. I know it's crazy.. She cheats on you but you're the bad guy.. 

The reason for that is again they know by societies eyes they did wrong and they hate us for it. Because we made them look bad. 

My wife cut off her whole family including her mother and father. They don't even live in this state. They are 1000's of miles away. 

When you go to therapy *and you have a good therapist* ( that is very key, more about this as well). You will start to learn that some people just don't have right tool in their emotional toolbox to handle these type of situations. Again for many this is a once in a lifetime situation. This is the break up of all break ups.. 

But you will come to learn again from a good therapist that you can only fix you.. You can't wonder why someone did or does the things they do. That is something that happens to EVERYONE HERE when they discover this. 

Again no magic bullets here. No magic potion to give you. This is just some sh1t that everyone has to go through and everyone goes through their own situations at their own pace. Some people are much stronger emotionally or are strong enough to suppress their emotions and can at least show their STBX that they don't care or whatnot, but others it might take some time and these people might have to take a bigger beating until they see. 

For me I can say I was in the middle. I wanted my wife back. I've been with her for 19 years, just about half my life. I have 2 boys with her. We had a lot invested in our family. My life went so bad that at the end my wife lost so much respect for me that she would talk to this other man on the phone in front of me in our home. She would leave when I got home or come home later. She really treated me like a piece of sh1t.. When confronted about it she had absolutely no answer to give me. It was dead silence. And this is how my marriage to this woman ended. In dead silence. 

You know how many times I look back at other couples and wonder.. Look this husband cheats on his wife, this guy goes out drinking every other night. This guy is a degenerate gambler, this guy is a drug addict, this guy can't even hold a job. 

I look at families were 100 times worse off than us and they are still together and stuck it out. Us we had money, we weren't broke.. We didn't have to worry about money. We had a home and our future was extremely well. None of us had any vices like drinking, gambling or drugs. The worst vice my wife has was shopping. Granted I've come to learn she was empty inside and did that to fill the void. Again another thing you learn in therapy.

Therapy.. Right now at this stage in my life I have to say that if we would have went to the therapist I am at now many years ago when we had our first problems with this. We would have been fixed today and been better off. I am not knocking my old therapist, but having seen a few now. I have to say this person is on point. He calls me out when has to. He get clinical with me and makes me understand certain physiological terms or mental states. 

Almost like a fortune teller he was able to express things about my Ex wife family without me ever telling him. 

But I truly believe he would have gotten to the bottom of my Ex and helped her out.

But even he tells me he is not here for her, he is here for me. 

Nutshell go to a few therapist before sticking with one. I was paying 100 bucks out of my pocket and this one cost me 15 and is part of my medical coverage. Yes I got reimbursed but I was still was paying more and it took 5 months to get money back.

I will tell you never go back, always move forward. 

I have no shame telling you I love my wife and it kills me I can never have her. It is heartbreaking for me. But I know it will never work. I know that seeing what she did to me in the end that she is really capable of being a ruthless person. That is a side I NEVER SEEN from her. 

If you think I won't get back together with her because of the affair, you're wrong. I forgave her for the affair. 

What she did in the end is what tainted me and the simple reason is because I asked her to stop doing it because it was killing me, I begged her. But she didn't care enough in the end just be a bit kind to me. 

So my point is right now you just don't see many things. Again like many of us here. But in time you will. Again, you will see it in YOUR own time.. Though many might want you to see it sooner to wake you up per say. But everyone goes at their own pace. Everyones mind is different on how they digest this stuff. It's just a protective mechanism so you don't overload your system. Some people can take the whole brunt and move on and others need to digest it slowly even if it means taking more punishment in the long run. 

But for many of us we hate seeing people make our mistakes. For us here, it is like we are watching a movie or even better, playing a video game, and are looking to have the good guy win. So we try to give people a heads up they don't waste their times and emotions going down paths that we know are just dead ends. Because like many here yet again, Once you go down that path, you eventually have to walk it back to take another direction. So you will hear don't do that. You do it anyways and when it fails you will get the we told you so comment.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Hardtohandle, did you ex ever display any red flags prior to getting married. What did your family, friends think of her? 

When did she start changing on you? Do you have thread detailing what happened?


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Cinema79, I read all of your posts and your replies, but I never once saw you describe how or why you fell in love with this woman, save her looks. Not that it matters at this point, but what prompted you to marry this person? I mean, how long did you really know her prior to proposing? I only ask because, your answer may say a lot about you and why you married a crazy person on so many medications. Clearly, this is a done deal and you must view her as damaged goods: think of her as having been bitten by a zombie from "THE WALKING DEAD". It's time to put the proverbial bullet in the zombie's head and move on to the CDC (I'm very proud of this analogy, btw). Those unanswered questions are just a part of your psyche looking for tangible answers that will somehow force it all to make sense. In this case, it will NEVER MAKE SENSE. Suffice to say, she will have these issues for the remainder of her entire life, as well as the scorched-Earth-of-a-love-life that her insanity will continue to bring her. SHE IS DAMAGED GOODS, my brother and all I can say is that you have learned an extremely critical, subconscious lesson, even if you do not know it. You will be more careful, AND DESCRIMINATING on your next go. Assuming that you are not a psycho yourself, you will not only find another attractive woman but one that is emotionally healthy and capable of loving you in the manner that you love her. You will look back on this debacle and say to yourself: "what the hell was I thinking back then???". Avoid the crazy, zombie xw with extreme prejudice as she can only cause harm to you from this point on.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Rushwater said:


> Cinema79, I read all of your posts and your replies, but I never once saw you describe how or why you fell in love with this woman, save her looks.


Well after dating several women in my mid-20's, I found that a lot of them seemed unmotivated and aimless. This was a woman who was in the working world making 32K a year as a staffing specialist, and she really seemed to have her stuff together. I liked that. 

I was attracted to her, and we kissed for awhile on the first date.

She was very very attentive to me. Not bothersome, but seemed to care what I was doing every day. I never had a women care about me like that, and I couldn't figure out why. I think part of it might because I might have been a challenge to her. I wouldn't call her back sometimes, or respond to texts, or seem that interested in her. She WAS NOT used to this and it made her crazy. So I sort of indirectly gamed her. 

She is very sweet, articulate, always inviting me over to make me dinner. I met her parents, both of them middle class like my family. Very similar upbringing. We are both from northern coastal towns. 

I started to fall in love with her - we began spending every minute together - she was like this drug. Mind blowing sex. She started going on this crazy workout plan to get in shape and really impress me. She was this unstoppable force. I didn't really know what I had until we were walking in a grocery store one afternoon and EVERY guy was just staring at her. 

We were the absolute perfect match in the beginning. People at her job who knew me and her separately would always say things like "you couldn't draw up a better match than those two". 

Intelligence levels are similar, looks are compatible even, we seemed to really understand each other unlike anyone else. I felt, she was "THE ONE". 

Eight months of dating, and I propose. After the honeymoon, she is a completely different person. What happened to the woman I dated? It tears me up to think about our past.

Sometimes, I feel like it was all some bizarre dream and that she never existed, but shes out there: working, eating, sleeping, living. She is ten miles away from me and I was MARRIED to this individual and we don't even talk. She is fully entrenched into her new guys life...it is just...I can't even begin to explain how bizarre this all was.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Rushwater said:


> It's time to put the proverbial bullet in the zombie's head and move on to the CDC (I'm very proud of this analogy, btw).


It's nothing to be proud of, Rushwater. BPDers are not analogous in any way to zombies and do not warrant being shot in the head with your "proverbial bullet." Moreover, they are not "crazy," "psychotic," "insane," or "damaged goods." Significantly, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- had full-blown BPD, if their biographers are to be believed.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cinema79 said:


> Hardtohandle, did you ex ever display any red flags prior to getting married. What did your family, friends think of her?
> 
> When did she start changing on you? Do you have thread detailing what happened?


Cinema, my wife made love to me 2 to 3 times a week normally. During the fake reconciliation from Sept to December we did it 3 to 4 times a week. We basically were raw but still did it. 

My Ex never showed me any flags of any sort. When she was with me in the same room, she was nothing but loyal and affectionate.

Everyone loved my wife.. She was olive skinned, in moderate shape, meaning she wasn't fat or skinny. She had long naturally curly hair. She looked hot in jeans and a shirt, but when she got dressed up.. Holy sh1t.. watch out.. We would go out and men would stare.. She knew how to dress up.. Not ****ty.. She was a woman. She was sensuous.. 

Everyone is surprised about this. 

She really just went off the deep end. But as of today 09/06/13 I think there might be drugs involved. I had sensed something long ago, she couldn't look at me or spend much time near me. I worked in narcotics for many years. I've sadly come to know when I see someone on Heroine or Methadone or another sort of drug. Each one has some tell tale signs. 

My story is in my signature labeled my mistake.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

> It's nothing to be proud of, Rushwater. BPDers are not analogous in any way to zombies and do not warrant being shot in the head with your "proverbial bullet." Moreover, they are not "crazy," "psychotic," "insane," or "damaged goods." Significantly, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- had full-blown BPD, if their biographers are to be believed.


Oh relax. It was a brief attempt at levity. Sheesh! I simply meant that she has crossed a line that can never be reversed, ok? But, yes, she IS damaged goods.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Rushwater said:


> Oh relax. It was a brief attempt at *levity*. Sheesh! I simply meant that she has crossed a line that can never be reversed, ok? But, yes, she IS *damaged goods*.


Rushwater, insulting a substantial portion of TAM members does not constitute "levity." If the members here are like the general population, 6% of them have full-blown BPD and perhaps another 3% have strong BPD traits that fall short of the diagnostic criteria. 

In addition to that 9% of TAM members having strong traits (i.e., "BPDers"), there may be another 9% of members who are the parents of a BPDer but who do not have the disorder themselves. Significantly, these parents love their children and thus will be just as offended by your name-calling as the BPDers themselves.

In addition to that 18% of TAM members, a large share of the abused ex-partners and ex-spouses still wish the best for the BPDers they once adored but had to leave. You are offending those TAM members, a group that includes me because I have many BPDer casual friends (here on TAM and in my private life) and a BPDer exW. 

On top of all that, a large share of the population takes offense whenever they hear ANY HUMAN BEING with a physical or mental impairment being referred to as "damaged goods" or "a zombie."


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

So last night I took the steps of deleting our old photos off Facebook, blocking her family, blocking her friends, blocking her new guy, blocking her co-workers. Any constant reminders of her. 

I even updated my profile to be very private. I hid my position/employer and all of my photos. 

Care to guess to who started visiting my website at 9:00pm last night?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> So last night I took the steps of deleting our old photos off Facebook, blocking her family, blocking her friends, blocking her new guy, blocking her co-workers. Any constant reminders of her.
> 
> I even updated my profile to be very private. I hid my position/employer and all of my photos.
> 
> Care to guess to who started visiting my website at 9:00pm last night?


good cut her out. She was a waste of time. Also she's acting the way she is towards you to try and posture you. She doesn't want to show weakness. It's for show. That is it. It is a defensive mechanism used to prevent her from facing her own demons. She thinks by acting snobby and condescending that she is above you. In reality it is just show and she is going to stay stubborn until the wheels fall off. The best thing you can do with someone like this is just cut them out. live your life as best you can, be happy , and forget them. Cause "Now's she just somebody that you used to know" and you have paved a way to find someone so much better.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

badbane said:


> She thinks by acting snobby and condescending that she is above you.


So far from the truth as well. I've far more in my life than she could dream of doing. I can't think of one thing she has done in her life that has been really that impressive. Maybe flunking out of college for partying too much? I guess maybe sleeping with two guys from the same company?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> So far from the truth as well. I've far more in my life than she could dream of doing. I can't think of one thing she has done in her life that has been really that impressive. Maybe flunking out of college for partying too much? I guess maybe sleeping with two guys from the same company?


Exactly I am sure that she thinks she is moving up in the world. however what is likely to happen is he will get bored with his little conquest. He'll realize she's just a shallow over emotional gold digger. He will dump her on her butt. Eventually she will wake up alone. Broke and won't even have the skill to provide for herself. She will resort to what she knows to get by. Hopping from man to man to try and find screw her way back into a happy life. I don't feel sorry for you at all. You get to dump that load of garbage and find someone who is stable, happy, and LOYAL. So cheer up sir. things are going to get better. Provided you don't let slip up and let her hurt you anymore. Just remember that you have options now and she doesn't. She can't go back she is stuck with her decision and when her world falls down, she will be a distant memory of the life you had before you found your new life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> So far from the truth as well. I've far more in my life than she could dream of doing. I can't think of one thing she has done in her life that has been really that impressive. Maybe flunking out of college for partying too much? I guess maybe sleeping with two guys from the same company?


My sense from what you've written is that she is toxically insecure about her 'rank' vis-a-vis yours. I think she feels inferior and assumes that you were too good to be true, so she ruined things herself to get the inevitable out of the way. Self-sabotage.

She was right, though, OP. You are the better person. She knew all along that she didn't deserve you.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> So last night I took the steps of deleting our old photos off Facebook, blocking her family, blocking her friends, blocking her new guy, blocking her co-workers. Any constant reminders of her.
> 
> I even updated my profile to be very private. I hid my position/employer and all of my photos.
> 
> *Care to guess to who started visiting my website at 9:00pm last night?*


How did you determine she was visiting your website?

And why should you care?


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

tulsy said:


> How did you determine she was visiting your website?


IP tracker. I know our old IP addresses based on where we used to live.



tulsy said:


> And why should you care?


The question should be why she cares. This is the first I've seen that number show up since we've split. She's supposed to kicking up her heals and loving life with with Mr. Moneybags. I'm supposed to be as good as garbage to her. Her boyfriend has hit up my site as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, the question IS why should YOU care? Or did you delete her so you COULD get a reaction out of her?


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I did this to try and heal. It wasn't for her. You don't know how hard it was to delete those photos off my hard drive and off Facebook. But its just necessary to move on and let go. The next step will be getting rid of my wedding ring and wedding photo book. I'm not there yet.

As soon as delete my stuff, block her, and feel terrible about it, she stalks my site. What kind of cruel joke is this? I don't need these reminders.

Why the fvck the does she care about what I'm doing? She's the one who DESTROYED my soul and her words, "doesn't want anything to do with me". She threw *me* away.

I HATE HER. I hate what she's done to me. I hate how she treated my family. I hate how I loved her so much and she brought nothing but pain in return because she is miserable inside. I didn't ask for this pain.

The pain is still here. That's why I care.


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## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

Stop checking the IP address. What's the point of deleting all that stuff if you're simply going to find a way to get hurt?

You're in pain and that's understandable but one of two things has to happen: You accept what has happened and move on with cautious optimism or you continue feeling sorry for yourself and remain bitter.

It doesn't matter which you pick because you're the one who has to live with yourself; not me, not the TAM members, and definitely not your EX-WIFE!

She is dead to you! You're young so make the best of your youth.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> IP tracker. I know our old IP addresses based on where we used to live.
> 
> 
> 
> The question should be why she cares. This is the first I've seen that number show up since we've split. She's supposed to kicking up her heals and loving life with with Mr. Moneybags. I'm supposed to be as good as garbage to her. Her boyfriend has hit up my site as well.


You're website has IP tracking software, and you are actively monitoring it to see if she is checking it out??

You sound completely obsessed. You gotta stop tracking IP's too....the investigation has to end. For all you know, her and the boyfriend are sitting there dissing you behind you back....stop thinking anything could be a sign that she may want you back. It's so over.

Stop creeping on your ex...concentrate on YOU. You seriously need to move on. Go on holidays or something. You need a break from the whole ordeal. 

Success should be your goal...start pursuing the life you want, not the people you want in it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cinema79 said:


> The pain is still here. That's why I care.


And how do you end the pain? By severing the connection so you don't keep filling your mind with her, day after day. It's over. Stop looking.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

tulsy said:


> You're website has IP tracking software, and you are actively monitoring it to see if she is checking it out??


I've been applying for jobs to move out of town. I'm an Art Director. Once I apply for a job, I will check to see who is actually checking out my work and the IP addresses of companies and agencies who visit my site get tracked in an administrative interface. I apply for roughly 5-6 jobs per week, so I check this log often for my own interests, it didn't have anything to do with her.


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## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

Cinema79 said:


> I've been applying for jobs to move out of town. I'm an Art Director. Once I apply for a job, I will check to see who is actually checking out my work and the IP addresses of companies and agencies who visit my site get tracked in an administrative interface. I apply for roughly 5-6 jobs per week, so I check this log often for my own interests, it didn't have anything to do with her.


This clears things up. I thought you were simply sitting around waiting for her IP to show up so you could say "That b!tch still thinks of me! Ha! She wants the D." or some other such nonsense.

Is it possible to bock her IP address? In any case, time heals all wounds as long as you're willing to make the hard choices and let go.

Best of luck! It's a sh!t position to be in.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, he could block, but the IP addresses would still show up in the visit log. Blocking stops them from viewing the content, it won't stop them from clicking the link.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

It's funny how things work. I met a STUNNING women tonight, and got her number. She's three years older than me. She's a manager at a company....a career woman and whip smart. Nuts....I'm already forgetting all about the ex-wife. :rofl:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Atta boy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Your original question was, "Do you think my wife cheated on me?" I can relate. 
Not knowing is the worst. The truth stops those crazy-making, nagging questions. 
I think there's also another reason. 
I no longer love WS but have to stay for a while due to $$$. 
Mine was one of those "Was it an EA or PA?" He admitted nothing except 'just friends', 'nothing happened', the usual WS script.
I used advice from TAM to get WS to tell the truth. Muchos gratias Tammers :yay:
It worked - to a degree. Last night he said they kissed in his car. 
It is said that WS saying "we kissed" means "we had sex". I agree. We're not high school kids!
He said when they were saying goodbye she said "Aren't you going to kiss me?" 
I said "Oh, that explains it. I guess it's her fault and she made you do it" :rofl: 
Sheesh! Naughty WS blameshifting as usual  
I was DELIGHTED to hear this little snippet. Why? To make a decision you need all the facts. I didn't have all the facts but I made a decision. 
I now know it was a good one. 
I'm one of those BS who knew that I would never be able to get the image of WS & OW making sweet music out of my head :circle: 

All the best Cinema79. I think you're gonna be just fine.
From what you said I think that fat guy did you a big favour.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

Quick update.

So, my new girl seems to be utterly infatuated with me. We were supposed to hangout on Monday night, but she texted me last night and wanted to know what I was up to. She couldn't wait! I met her at 9:30pm for a glass of wine on a fancy outdoor patio. Mid conversation we kissed each other. By 11:30pm, she doesn't want the night to be over, so we go to an all night brewpub and get a few pricey beers. We closed the night making out next to her car. I walked away completely mesmerized by what was a happening. We have plans for next weekend as well.

Meanwhile, earlier that day, I met up with some friends for frisbee. A particular couple, who work with my ex-wife, said that they saw my ex-wife and her new co-worker boyfriend/possible affair partner at an outdoor music festival a few months back. 

This couple went on to tell me that my ex-wife wouldn't even acknowledge them (she's known them for six years!) and looked embarrassed. My ex-wife is such a b!tch.


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

This is a train wreck in the making, your ex is going to crash hard, let her fall, she will knock on your door soon enough, stay the course there is plenty out there, keep on with this new girl of yours, I think your ex is going to blow a gasket if she hear about her


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

But also pace this new woman as well.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> But also pace this new woman as well.


:iagree:

C79

There is no rush.

HM


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please don't see your 'gf' more than once a week, ok? You aren't ready to get attached to someone and the more you see her the more attached you will get.


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## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

turnera said:


> Please don't see your 'gf' more than once a week, ok? You aren't ready to get attached to someone and the more you see her the more attached you will get.


Good call - we talked about doing lunch this week....might cancel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Keeping a distance will make you more mysterious and desirable.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> C79
> 
> ...


:iagree: 
And keep coming back. TAM is always a good sounding board. . . in good times as well as bad.


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