# Does trust get easier after being cheated on?



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

After being cheated on in my first marriage and now dating a girl for 2.5 years, my trust and red flag radar are hyper sensitive. I feel bad at times when ever we have situation come up and I really have to step back and make sure I'm being fair and she's not pushing boundaries. I think we all know how fine of a line that is to some degree. Many times with my girlfriend I see actions that I think are poor boundaries or her putting herself in situation conducive of cheating. She has been cheated on but doesn't see it the same way. For instance, if she goes to a bar/club with a toxic gf that is not a good environment to be in if you respect your relationship. We all know guys/girls go to these places to drink and hookup etc. In her mind, it's if you trust me then you should be okay with it.

Latest example and I'm still trying to figure out if I'm making a mole hill into a mountain as my post cheating brain and gut instinct are going off telling me this isn't a good environment to be in. So gf's sister and bil live about 30 minutes away and she was going there last night as they were having friends over and some are single guys in their 20's. There will be drinking and weed there. Gf is planning on staying the night. So my brain starts rolling out all the red flags 1) single guys younger than us 2) alcohol so poor decision making, inability to shut down advances 3) staying the night so I'm thinking there is a good chance one of these guys is too drunk to drive so he stays the night too 4) They end up in same room. I couldn't go because I had my kid plus me and bil don't really get along so great. Gf's pov is that I should just trust her and not worry. My poor boundary radar is going off like crazy. I do trust the girl. I just hate these environments that create a heightened chance of cheating. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone that has been cheated on. Let me know what you think.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd be pissed and dump her if she still went. Is she marriage material? 2.5 years is a long time. Has she done this before?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your gf shouldn't ''want'' to go to something like that, anymore. That's just how I view it. When you're in love with someone, and in an exclusive relationship, you shouldn't want to spend the night at people's houses where single people from the opposite sex are also spending the night...what??! lol Sounds like college frat/sorority party behavior, to be honest.

If it bothers you, and she doesn't care that it bothers you, then you should let her go. You're not being unreasonable. It's not about trust, it's really about why would she want to still hang out with single guys, drinking and getting high?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I will relate this from personal experience!

There is a huge hole that is duly blown through your heart when you've been cheated on that very first time!

The second time that it occurs, it literally blows the trusting heart totally away!

That's why I'm just totally scared crapless to ever experience a third episode of it! I just don't know if I could take it!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ah yes the famous "trust me"!

@*Deidre* is correct.

Cheating normally starts with poor boundaries. 

Fix your picker and let this one go before the drama starts


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## luperamos85 (Jul 30, 2017)

Trust is a two way street,,,,, dont expect it to be any other way. I side with the women on here!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

being paranoid and controlling is keeping the keys to her car locked up and only giving them to her when it's time for groceries and then you only put a 1/2 gallon of gas in it and log the mileage before she leaves and after she gets back. 

Thinking that it's poor boundaries to go clubbing with a single, promiscuous GF and going to an overnight pot party with a bunch of single dudes is simply not being gullible. 

How old is this gal? 21????

I agree with Diedre and the others, I don't think this gal is marriage or serious relationship material. If you haven't brought yourself to marrying her after 2.5 years, there is probably a valid reason. 

I'm not saying she is a child molester or someone who stomps on baby kittens or anything, but someone who is still into clubbing with singles and overnight pot parties with single dudes is not as invested in your relationship as you are. 

That is not a crime and does not make her a bad person. It doesn't even mean that you shouldn't have some Sat night dates with her or hook up with her when you are both in the mood and neither one is in an exclusive relationship. It just means that she isn't at the same place you are regarding exclusivity and appropriate behavior for someone in a serious relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And to answer your question about trust after being cheated on. 

You will never again have blind faith in someone simply because you are seeing them. You will realize that people are flawed and that there is dishonest and inappropriate things that go on in the world. 

If someone is always behaving appropriately and gives no warning signs or red flags and you aren't locking up their car keys, logging their odometer mileage or making them strip off their clothes at the door and testing their underwear for semen when they get home, then everything is probably fine. 

But after you've been cheated on, you either learn from it and learn to spot the bullcrap and the warning signs, or you stick your head in the sand. 

Going out clubbing with promiscuous, single friends and going to overnight pot parties with single dudes is just simply bad taste and not something that is serious about a partner does. 

This isn't really an issue of trusting her or not trusting her, she is simply not as invested in this relationship as you or she isn't relationship material. You aren't paranoid here. You are simply reading the writing on the wall and you'd be gullible and dumb to simply buy it because she says, "trust me."


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also think it is a little odd that her sister is basically setting her up with single dudes in a chemical-rich environment after you've been dating for 2.5 years.

That tells me her sister is not really supportive or respectful of your relationship either. That's kind of a red flag as well. 

Again, how old are these people?

If they are 21 I can understand the behavior but will have to question why you are dating someone that age and at that stage of development. 

But if they are full grown adults, I would have to question their maturity and responsibility level and like I said above, I would be concerned that her sister was that unsupportive of you and your relationship. 

This whole thing is very questionable.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I just skimmed through your past threads.

Why in the name of god would you want to take a chance and go through this **** again?

You can't be that hard up that you can't do better. Cmon man?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> I just skimmed through your past threads.
> 
> Why in the name of god would you want to take a chance and go through this **** again?
> 
> You can't be that hard up that you can't do better. Cmon man?


After seeing this I took a look through some old posts too and agree with Marc. Why are you settling for this and why didn't you stay broken up with her? 

This isn't about trusting her. She isn't trustworthy. 

This is a picker issue. You need to fix your picker and associate with a higher quality of women.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This isn't about trust it's about having healthy boundaries. Trust is your wife goes on a work related trip, there is a bunch of people there. Unless she has shown she is untrustworthy you should just trust her and relax about it. Most healthy good people don't cheat she deserves the benefit. What you are talking about is someone who is in a committed dating relationship acting like she is single and in collage or whatever. Like who needs the aggravation. That is how I would see it. 

Trust gets easier only when you start to see yourself a the catch. As someone who has real value for others out there. At that point you just don't put up with **** because you know you can do better. Then you realize that someone who treats you poorly or just isn't good at being in a relationship is really just a time sink. You may be sad to move on, but not THAT sad because you realize you aren't losing that which you really want. You are no longer dependent on anyone to fulfill you and give you happiness. Then it becomes them living up to what YOU expect. I am talking reasonable expectations here, of which you post seems such. Try to get there, it's a great place to be.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Neither of the scenarios you described seem like red flags for cheating to me. But I also don't think that what you want is unreasonable. I think this is not the girl for you, not because she is going to cheat, but because the two of you have different boundaries. You guys will fight about this for as long as you are together, and for you, being previously cheated on, the enforcement of this particular boundary is important. But the thing about boundaries is that you can't change the other person, you can only change what you do. What you need to do is find a woman with similar boundaries. And they are out there, because like I said, what you want isn't unreasonable.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What if HER boundaries are fine, and yours are due to hypersensitivity to having been cheated on before? A person with good boundaries can be in questionable circumstances and not compromise their boundaries. I know I can do that, and I know my wife can do that, based on lots of experience. Trust is given, but solidifies with experience. She's pushing your limits, but your only recourse is to negotiate different boundaries with her that you can both live with, or break up.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Question is your sister and BIL are having a thing so why aren't you invited being her sister's significant other..

So you've met her BIL and he doesn't like you, not saying they/he's a bad influence but being excluded from her close circle can hurt, also if she's going to cheat then it's not only her but her, her sister and the BIL that might be complicit in letting it happen, unless she's told them you're just a friend do you think they would allow it to happen?

You've been cheated on. It's a natural fact you're going to be hypersensitive and accord to you your radar has gone off more than once, the question then posed if the radar went off even once why haven't you extracted yourself from the situation?

Your girlfriend knows you are triggering yet her advice is to just get on with it and trust her?

My whole point is you act like you're operating from a position of weakness. "I want to trust, I see red flags but I need to trust...." Being cheated on means getting rid of that BS armour and putting yourself first, especially with a kid. If the sister lives 30 minutes away why not catch a cab home?

Even long term if you do end up marrying her, are you not going to go to the sister's house because you and the BIL don't get along? So you're signing up to a lifetime of her going to the sister's house and that being a no go area?

Have you even read NoMoreMrNiceGuy?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), 59 years old, and never been cheated by my husband. Let this girl go, she's not marriage material for you. You should be watchful for behaviors that could lead to cheating and this scenario could lead to that. Save your sanity and move on.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Tell her that your not comfortable with it. If she goes anyways then there you go. You don't want to live like that. I agree with almost everyone here. Just dump her.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> I'd be pissed and dump her if she still went. Is she marriage material? 2.5 years is a long time. Has she done this before?


I agree with this, however, "trust" does not "get easier". As you become comfortable with who you are, and your ability to suss out personalities, you become a "trusting person". It's all about you, not the other person.

DD


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> I'd be pissed and dump her if she still went. Is she marriage material? 2.5 years is a long time. Has she done this before?


At this point in time, no she's not? We have a great connection and chemistry but there are some very fundamentals things we don't agree on. Yes, she is very naive to how I view poor boundaries and as I mentioned her whole defense is if you trust me then there shouldn't be a problem because she claims she is always in control of her decisions and will shut down advances etc.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Your gf shouldn't ''want'' to go to something like that, anymore. That's just how I view it. When you're in love with someone, and in an exclusive relationship, you shouldn't want to spend the night at people's houses where single people from the opposite sex are also spending the night...what??! lol Sounds like college frat/sorority party behavior, to be honest.
> 
> If it bothers you, and she doesn't care that it bothers you, then you should let her go. You're not being unreasonable. It's not about trust, it's really about why would she want to still hang out with single guys, drinking and getting high?


No guys were "supposed" to spend the night. I never asked if any did or not. Today she new I was pissed and was all over me and very affectionate. We discussed it briefly but nothing happened and she didn't get hit on so she says.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> being paranoid and controlling is keeping the keys to her car locked up and only giving them to her when it's time for groceries and then you only put a 1/2 gallon of gas in it and log the mileage before she leaves and after she gets back.
> 
> Thinking that it's poor boundaries to go clubbing with a single, promiscuous GF and going to an overnight pot party with a bunch of single dudes is simply not being gullible.
> 
> ...


No she's not marriage material. The relationship does have a shelf life just not sure when to cut ties as we do have a very good connection outside of our different opinions on boundaries. She's 35.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why are you spending emotional and mental energy and getting pissed, etc on someone you don't see as ''marriage material?''


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been dating?

How old are the two of you?


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Why are you spending emotional and mental energy and getting pissed, etc on someone you don't see as ''marriage material?''


Because we have really great chemistry outside of these occurrences where she's naive to my boundaries. We are very good friends and get along great most of the time. It's just every 3-4 months she will go on a trip or attend something with her sister and bil with his shady ass friends over there and I get pissed. We talked last night and are taking a break. She said she wants to 'live life' and is still figuring out who she is. It was my choice not hers to do this. She said she's not looking for men or anything and I said I'm not looking for girls but if I meet someone then I will have to take the chance that she could be marriage material.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

theexpendable said:


> Because we have really great chemistry outside of these occurrences where she's naive to my boundaries. We are very good friends and get along great most of the time. It's just every 3-4 months she will go on a trip or attend something with her sister and bil with his shady ass friends over there and I get pissed. We talked last night and are taking a break. She said she wants to 'live life' and is still figuring out who she is. It was my choice not hers to do this. She said she's not looking for men or anything and I said I'm not looking for girls but if I meet someone then I will have to take the chance that she could be marriage material.


That's really great that you both could come to a positive agreement. If it's meant to be, you'll find a way back to each other. If not, you'll both know.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> theexpendable said:
> 
> 
> > Because we have really great chemistry outside of these occurrences where she's naive to my boundaries. We are very good friends and get along great most of the time. It's just every 3-4 months she will go on a trip or attend something with her sister and bil with his shady ass friends over there and I get pissed. We talked last night and are taking a break. She said she wants to 'live life' and is still figuring out who she is. It was my choice not hers to do this. She said she's not looking for men or anything and I said I'm not looking for girls but if I meet someone then I will have to take the chance that she could be marriage material.
> ...


Yep. I think it's not cut and dry because she has many of the characteristics I'm looking for in a wife. It's just these few things are major for me. Maybe it's wishful thinking on my part that she will somehow understand these events trigger me badly. We shall see where it goes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be honest I wouldnt trust her either.Going to a party without you, where there will be illegal drugs and lots of drink, is a really bad idea. 
I wouldn't want someone who was involved in illegal drugs anyway.


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