# First time here but don't know where else to go.



## Broda (Jul 25, 2014)

Here is my story. My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We are both religious and waited until marriage to have sex. Before marriage my wife would almost always initiate the kissing or anything like that. We had some great make-out sessions but we always remained clothed and never got past 2nd base. She could kiss for hours and enjoy it. 

My wife is a very small girl and even the smallest tampons hurt when she had to use those. I didn't think anything of it. On our wedding night we attempted to have sex. I got the very tip in and it caused so much pain we decided to wait to try again. Well, we tried quite a bit and everything seemed to cause a HUGE amount of pain. I could feel the muscles tighten with any amount of penetration. After a few months with no success and no progress, we kind of gave up. Over the past 5 years there were waves where we would try and after trying we would get discouraged and give up again.

My wife did a lot of research and we both believe that she has Vaginismus. It is weird because she swears (and I believe her) that she was never sexually mistreated in any way growing up. For some reason she has a huge fear of any kind of penetration and nothing seems to help.

We have talked about this many times. I feel like a horrible person because I want sex but I know it hurts her. So for the most part we just play around and it never leads to any kind of penetration. To me, it is not the same. I don't feel that connection that I get the few times I have been able to penetrate for more than 5 seconds. She even recently called it "torture" and said that she hates it. 

When we do try any kind of playing around, I feel like I do all the work to try to get her in the mood, but I don't get any kind of reward. I give long, full-body massages EVERY time, I go slow and at her pace. I give oral when she wants it (which has NEVER been returned) and do pretty much anything and everything to try to get her in the mood. She always orgasms and I know she enjoys just playing around. Yet even though we have been doing this for the past few years, we still only do this 2-3 times a month. 


It is all so frustrating to me. I guess I am just looking for any advice. We have heard about getting a form of Botox that people have said helps. Has anyone ever tried this? How can I communicate to my wife that I need more sexual interaction? Is there any hope that we will ever have a somewhat normal sex life? 

I love my wife but I do not want to go my whole life without ever being able to have normal sex with a woman. I know that she does not have an obligation to give me sex and I know she feels bad that she can't physically have sex without it hurting and then resenting me. But how can I make her understand that I need more and I need actual sex and not just hand jobs? I have talked to her about it but she said the other day that 2 times a month is plenty. Anyway, it is a huge weight that I feel every day. I start to resent her more and more as time passes, like she stole my opportunity to have a good sex life. I feel she was lying to me while we were dating and I feel deceived into thinking that we would have a good sex life because of how much she enjoyed kissing before getting married. Is there a way to get these feelings to go away?

I know there are a ton of questions here but i am just really lost right now. Maybe I'm not alone in this or this isn't as bad as I am thinking. Or maybe just finally putting these things into words to someone other than my wife will help me to just live a happier life.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sex therapist. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to tell her very clearly that due to the lack of sex you are falling out of love with her. This is a normal response. Sex is part of marriage because it helps to maintain the bond/love/passion between the couple. 

So you want her to get help from a medical doctor and a sex therapist. The issues she has are very fixable.


----------



## MeatTrain (Dec 4, 2013)

Jesus...she needs to go see a doctor..your marriage sounds like torture. I feel for you man.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

So five years of no sex?
How did you do it I mean wow that's horrible she has to get to a doctor or you move on bro.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You give her massages and she can't even give you a hand job I mean come on.
Stop the massages and start going out by yourself start doing things without her.
Make her wonder what you are up to and make it look like you would be happy to move on with or without her.
And get this book
http://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-L...&sr=1-1&keywords=married+mans+sex+life+primer


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She is making lame excuses. I've heard of vaginismus, but have NEVER heard of not being able to penetrate after trying for FIVE YEARS. Look into "systematic desensitization." It's very successful in almost 90% of cases.

You need to find a trained sex therapist. This is WAY beyond normal. She has some serious psychological baggage she needs to deal with.

If she won't deal with it properly, time to file for a divorce. Enough coddling her...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

can you get two fingers inside of her vagina? If so, it is open enough.

If you can not, or if trying that makes her howl in pain,well she needs to stretch herself out. They make graduated diameter size cylindrical inserts that over a series of months will stretch out the Vag. go on amazon and buy her a Vaginal Dilator set, and make sure she uses it.

If she refuses, you are being conned


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

There are two glaring problems here: her physiological issues, and her inability to give you anything more than a handjob, if you're lucky.

Deal with the second one first. It may not be her fault that you can't penetrate her, but there's no excuse for providing you with the bare minimum instead. She gets her O, you get yours, and preferably not through a handjob every time.

Then you can deal with the other issue. Something tells me that if that one is cleared up first, it isn't going to help much in your sex life, anyway. She sounds like a selfish lover. Deal with that first.


----------



## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

This is why "We are both religious and waited until marriage to have sex" is a bad idea. Sexual compatibility is so important to a marriage and this ideology ignores that. You my friend are living the worse case scenario of that.

I had a friend who could never get laid. He eventually met a girl and started dating but she was religious so she would not have sex with him until they got married. They got married, had sex twice before she declared she doesn't like it and it has been sexless ever since (15 years).

I know none of this is helpful to you now but I still wanted to make the point.


----------



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Read I Corinthians 6:12 to 7:7 together. Think about the people Paul was writing to, the culture they were living in, and the reason why Paul told them not to deprive their spouse. The temptation is far too great in a society where sex is readily available. 

You are being patient. You are loving your wife, as you should. Take it further and really talk about it with her or else you are going to resent your wife, communication will break down, and you are going to be in a situation where you feel distance not only from your wife but from God. If your wife really loves you, then she is going to be willing to go to as many doctors as it will take to resolve her issue, whether it be physical or mental or both.

Marriage is difficult even with the people who are good at it! It teaches you so much about yourself. What you learn from being a husband extends into your other relationships, has the potential to make you such a better person.

I feel for you, brother. May the peace of Christ be with you.


----------



## sexy (Jul 29, 2012)

Wow!

This could be my story in a nutshell during the first 5 years of my marriage. When I met my husband, I was a virgin. To make matters worse, he was just out of the Air Force on a leave from Guam! We were a VERY mismatched pair as far a sexual experiences go. At any rate, the first time I slept with him I bled horribly. I must have bled for a week and had trouble walking right for about 4 weeks. I was never in that much pain! People often don't realize how INCREDIBLY painful intercourse can be for inexperienced women. A really good analogy to give men for a comparison is to imagine a woman's wrist (a small framed woman). Now imagine her wrist penetrating your EAR CANAL! That's what my first sexual experiences felt like. I felt Horrible, but I also felt SOO guilty for making him go without sex for so much of the time during the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage. We did not wait until after we were married, but he was my only sexual experience. I slept with him for the first time when I was 23 years old and he was 25. 
It did not improve for a long time. My husband wanted me to see a doctor, but I didn't go because I was too embarrassed. I grew up in a small town, and I was very shy and easily embarrassed. I am 25 years older now, and we are still together. 
For a long time I just used my hands and oral sex once in a while to help relieve the situation. I know what you are talking about when you talk about feeling how tight she is and how she can't relax and loosen up to enjoy it. I had those same problems when I was newly married.
After about 5 years of this, I started to realize that I needed to learn to become ok with being sexual. I needed to teach myself to enjoy sex somehow. I stopped avoiding my husband and faced my fears. Part of the problem at that time was that He was ALWAYS READY NO MATTER WHAT TIME IT WAS! I could not be next to him or even in the same room as him without him wanting to be right on top of me! When it comes to sex, he would tell me he would like me to initiate sex more, but I would NEVER get that chance! He always beat me to the punch. I remember one time we were laying in bed in our second apartment and I reached my hand over and touched his arm. He pinned me flat on my back and was on top of me in about 5 seconds. 
He had an insatiable sex drive, and I made myself try to initiate sex more, but after that, I never initiated sex. I was too afraid.
Then I at least became more receptive to what was going to happen. I somehow got better and started to make myself relax more so I could endure penetration. I then began to enjoy penetration. This is a difficult transition to make. I just want you to know that you should not give up hope. More than likely she is not faking this.
Let her get used to you. Let her come to bed without being worried that she will have to go through painful sex just to make you happy. This will at least take the pressure of of her to perform, and she will probably at least make more efforts to relax. Yes women go through performance anxiety too. Talk to her. Tell her it will be alright. Hearing your voice try to soothe her should help her to relax. After she gets used to your body, approach her and pursue her as far as she can go. Go a little further each time until she becomes used to sex. She will eventually get used to having penetrative sex. This is not easy for the woman either. Just remember the analogy of her wrist through your ear canal.  Then use LOTS of lube!!! Go slow and let her set the pace. She will appreciate that you are caring about her comfort and not just your need to have sex. I'm not saying that you don't already do this, but just know that she may learn to relax if you give her a pass if she is in pain. 
Eventually I got used to penetrative sex with my husband, and now I'm the one who wants it more often. What a cruel joke .
Another thing my husband did that helped me get used to it was to just touch me. He touched my arms, my shoulders, my breasts, my stomach, and my back and other parts. I needed to get used to his touch before I could get used to his penis.
Just go at her pace and keep helping her to increase her progress. Remember the old adage: practice makes perfect!

Hope this helps you some!


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Broda said:


> My wife is a very small girl and even the smallest tampons hurt when she had to use those.


You could ask her if she put them in dry.



> Well, we tried quite a bit and everything seemed to cause a HUGE amount of pain. I could feel the muscles tighten with any amount of penetration.
> 
> My wife did a lot of research and we both believe that she has Vaginismus.


That's pretty much the definition of primary vaginismus.



> It is weird because she swears (and I believe her) that she was never sexually mistreated in any way growing up. For some reason she has a huge fear of any kind of penetration and nothing seems to help.


It is caused by many things, not just sexual abuse.



> She even recently called it "torture" and said that she hates it.


That makes sense. 



> I guess I am just looking for any advice. We have heard about getting a form of Botox that people have said helps. Has anyone ever tried this?
> 
> Is there any hope that we will ever have a somewhat normal sex life?


There is a great deal of hope.


I assume you have tried vaginal penetration exercises. What did you use? What kind of lubricant? Did you use heat?


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> can you get two fingers inside of her vagina? If so, it is open enough.


Or we could try common sense. Get a tailor's tape and measure around your erect penis. Then measure around your two fingers. If these are close then that's fine. However, it takes three of my fingers to match the thickness of my erect penis. If you don't have a tailor's tape handy then you can use anything flexible but non-stretching such as a piece of ribbon, a shoelace, or even a dollar bill. Mark where it overlaps to and then lay it flat and measure it with a ruler.



> If you can not, or if trying that makes her howl in pain,well she needs to stretch herself out. They make graduated diameter size cylindrical inserts that over a series of months will stretch out the Vag. go on amazon and buy her a Vaginal Dilator set, and make sure she uses it.


There is actually more to it than that. However, vaginal dilation is part of it so it was good to mention it.



> If she refuses, you are being conned


Or there were errors in this post.


----------

