# Need advice! Desperate, Lonely and devastated.



## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

This is my first time here and I'm not quite sure where to begin nor am I sure this is the right forum to be in actually, but I'm trying.

My husband has basically asked for a divorce. I have to admit, the final straw was something I did. I lied to him about some bills being paid. I have no way of telling anyone how sorry I am, how much I regret lieing, how much I miss him, how much I love him. It's just not possible because he was the entire world to me and still is. I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling.

He swears there is no one else and I believe him as he has never lied to me. That he has no intention of there being anyone else at this point. He has never cheated on me and he is fully aware that I have never cheated on him either. 

But he has added things to his unhappiness like my house being a pig sty (I have now cleaned and will keep it clean), my lack of energy (I am seeing the doc and figuring it out), my lack of respect and not showing him enough love (and I have been doing more of that lately as well) but he moved out last week. I am devastated to say the least. I do nothing but cry and clean and want to talk with him. We have been married 23 years and together 24. We have a family, a life....we have so much and so little without each other in my opinion. 

I pick up the phone 100 times per day to call him, but make myself stop so that he does not think I'm tryinng to stalk him or something.

Thursday we had a talk, by telephone, and I finally just asked. He says that he will always love me as a person but not as a wife because I have broken his trust and his heart. He says I have the chance to earn his trust back and be his good friend, which he wants very much, and that maybe something will happen in the future and maybe not as no one can tell the future, but right now he can't trust me as far as he can throw me but he also said "if I'm not back in the house by then" when discussing an upcoming family reunion. 

He doesn't, at this point, want to save this marriage if he has to choose right now. He doesn't want to be married to anyone and he says he will NEVER get married again. Period. But then he says I can earn his trust back and we don't know what the future holds. 

I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight. I don't know how to do this anymore.

How do you divorce someone you love? How do you walk away from the biggest dream you have ever had in your life? How to you give up your best friend? How do you move forward from something like this? How do I ever do anything again? And am I supposed to, does he really want this?

Neither of us has hired a lawyer at this point. And I don't see that happening financially in the very near future...but I know he says it will come sometime in 2011. But can I earn his trust back by then and have this relationship repaired?

Please help me. I don't even know what to do now.

Also, just for the record. I have never lied to him about anything other than those bills. EVER. He says that he knows this. 

I told him that I truly love him. He says he knows this too but it just doesn't matter right now because he can't trust me at this point.

So he came over today and we really talked. 

He wants to be friends and to work on our issues. If we can resolve it, good, but if not, he wants to be friends. 

We talked about a few of the things that he sees as problems in our relationship and I CAN see those things too....we talked for four hours!! I can't really remember a conversation like that between us in so long...it hurts to think that we had lost that somewhere along the way.

He let me know that I need to show him, not just tell him, that I am learning to handle money better...that he can trust me to pay the bills and to work toward a financial future rather than letting them go.

We also talked about lack of passion in the bedroom and really discussed that for the first time...not just him telling me but me explaining some of my fears to him too. We responded to each other and got a clearer meaning of what was actuallly being said, not just listening, but hearing what each other said. That was soooo nice. He even kissed me goodbye and told me he would call me later or tomarrow.

I can't say this is going to work out. I don't know. I do know that I am going to give it my best effort to make some of the changes that he thinks are necessary...not because he tells me they are but because I can actually SEE that they are necessary and would be a betterment to me as a person as well as to us as a couple. 

I'm just very scared and get very lonely. I never know if what I do is right, but I am feeling my way through here and hoping for the best. Anyone have any advice? Anyone have anything they can tell me? Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out and save the relationship and what was the turning point for you?


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

He just called me at 12:30 to say goodnight and to talk a little more. That's something right?


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Yep, I'd say that's something. Do not give up. Take action now, by working on the things about yourself that you need to work on - and not just because he asked you to, but for yourself, also.

Commit to the hard work this will take and it will prove to him that you can be trusted. Do it 100% every day - don't slack even when it gets tiring. It really takes effort.

Try to get him to commit to working things out also. It sounds like communication is still open and that's a great thing. Do whatever you can to keep that going, while respecting any boundaries that are set.

I have a feeling that you guys have a pretty good shot at working this out. Feeling scared is normal and so is feeling lonely. Take it one day at a time, because this isn't something that can be fixed overnight. Remind yourself to BREATHE....when the fear hits and when the loneliness hits. It does get better. 

This place is a great source of info and advice. Take the time to read some of the stories on here when you are feeling lonely or scared. I always find something helpful, even when the situation I'm reading about is nothing like mine. I think there is something each of us can learn from everyone here. 

Take good care of yourself and try to be positive! Keep us posted.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you so much for replying! 

I plan to keep up the hard work. Not for him, but for me. They are good improvements for me as a person but they are also good improvements for us as a couple. 

I think I had better put this here as more explanation of my fears. He DOES still talk about how he is saving up money to get a place of his own rather than live with his mom. That scares me to think that he is thinking that way too. BUT then he talks about how he can't live in this house because he hates the town, he hates the people around us and he doesn't want to live out here anymore...we live in a small town outside of a bigger city. Well, I can see that because the town and it's people are very mean for lack of a better word and I don't like it either. He keeps telling me I need to sell this house and move into the city. 

I have been reading a lot on here, there is so much information! I keep reading and that has helped my mindset quite a bit.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

So here I am again. Lonely, desperately afraid of life, and hurting.

I have been running through yesterday in my mind all night and day. I remembered something he said that is just as confusing given all the other things...but early on in the visit he had let me know that when a divorce comes all he wants is a, b, c. Nothing else. Okay fine. But then he goes on to spend the day with me and we really talk.

In part of that conversation I asked him if he would consider giving the marriage a chance if I could prove to him the changes I am making are for me and for the better as well as for him...he said, we've already been married and that hasn't worked out well for us has it? But he doesn't know what the future holds and that he wouldn't rule out a relationship. But this was early in that part of the conversation too...then we went on to talk about many things again.

Then, when he called me at 1230 to talk more and say goodnight, we had more serious conversations. I even harrassed him a little about how fun the afternoon activities were and how I could not wait to do that again. He said there would be a time and place, he was sure of that, for us to be together again. And I asked if he enjoyed the afternoon as much as I did, he said he had. Then he had to go cause he was working and I went off to bed calm and enjoying the feelings he had brought up in me during the day and the evening.

When he left, he told me he would NEVER sleep with me again, NEVER set foot in my house again, NEVER love me or talk about us again. Now we are doing those things. That seems to me to be progress, and his actions speak louder than his words, but is that what it is meant to do? Is he still as confused as I am? 

And it's just confusing. I am still going to work on myself being a better, healthier person. Happier. But I don't like this confusion. I think that the communication being open between us and the two of us talking very seriously about all this stuff is a good thing. I really do. But then, once in a while, he throws in a set of words that just doesn't compute with everything else he's been telling me. And his actions contradict those strange words that confuse me. I don't get it.

Help? I just need to understand. Am I making the right choices? Do I have a chance to save my marriage? Any guys out there that can offer me advice to understand what he may be thinking at this point and how I can help him and me?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Do you really want to know what he's doing? He is cleverly getting your attention. Apparently, he has made complaints in the past and you just ignored him. Leaving was the only way he could wake you up. And he surely did.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

This is true Susan, but how now I don't know what I can do to show him, truly show him, that I see, I understand, I am sorry and I am working on making those changes.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You can let him play this out while doing exactly what you are doing. There is no other way to make him see. He just has to witness your desperation, hear you keep making promises, and talk it out to conclusion until he feels comfortable that you got the message and he is heard. And he has to witness your actions to the promises you made. He needs to feel like he and his wishes matter to you.

Or, you can stop being so desperate and tell his arse to come home or you're filing for divorce. Tell him you got the message and promise to do better, you will keep the house clean and keep all your other promises. Tell him the talking you've both been doing is really great and you want to keep the lines of communication open. And tell him you think your marriage will benefit from marriage counseling. Tell him you are committed to him and to the relationship, but it's time for him to come home now.

Those are your choices. Either stay desperate, lonely, and confused or don't allow him to control you like this. It's just a ploy for attention. Everyone does it, and some people here on the forum, including me, suggest temporarily leaving to posters in order to get their hardheaded, neglectful spouse's attention. I have done it myself before. It works, as you can see. No one wants to be unhappy, neglected, disrespected, etc., but that doesn't mean they don't want the marriage. They just want some respect and to be heard. He probably did backward cartwheels to make you hear him. There's no telling what he did and how long he complained. So, he left to get your attention so you realize what you have to lose. He is deliberately saying things to confuse you to keep you humble, desperate, and anxious to please him.

But okay, you get the message now. You realize he means business, and you are willing to change and keep the lines of communication open. 

Either.....
1. Keep showing him how humble, desperate, and anxious to please him you are. He will come back when he comfortable you got the message.

Or.....
2. Call his bluff. To end him playing with your feelings, tell him you would like to know if he wants a divorce or not because if so, then you plan to begin dating other people.

Or.....
3. Stop being so desperate and turn the tables on him. Tell him to come home or you will file for divorce. Let him know he can trust you to keep your promises and you will do better. Tell him you love him and want him, but you refuse to go through this anymore. 

Or.....
4. Simply ask him what it will take for him to come back home and for him to feel comfortable that you got his message. Only this time, don't take his inconclusive responses for answers - "I don't know" or "maybe one day" or "who knows what the future holds" and all that jazz. Tell him he has to make up his mind because him "saving money to get my own place" and "I will never get married again" and all his talking about a divorce and deliberately scaring you and saying things to confuse you have nothing to do with talking about your marriage, talking about the relationship, and talking about "us". If he wants a divorce and the two of you to remain friends, then he wouldn't be talking about the marriage. So ask him what it will take because if he is committed to the relationship and making the marriage better, then you both can work on it while in the same house and needs to come back home.


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## marriedman (Jun 14, 2010)

I am new to this forum, but want to make a few comments about your situation. It seems to me that there must be something else going on. I may be wrong, but your husband strikes me as likely having withheld his feeling from you for a long time. A lot of men do that. 

I know that counseling has helped my wife and I get to the place where we can complain to each other without criticism and has helped us open more emotional communication. We even made some progress by reading books together on marital issues. Recently, we even found an iPhone app that helps communication after and fight and we used it. (it's called "Fix a Fight") It guided us to share about our issues so that we could understand each other in an area that was tripping us up.

But, back to you. This is the strongest thing I want to say. Getting him to talk about his feelings and his point of view, and really listening is the best hope you have. Be careful of wanting to make it all ok too quickly. I mean, just listen and try to connect to his feelings. My guess is that's what he wants from you, but probably can't say that very directly.

I wish you well.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If his complaints are familiar and you've blown them off before, then he must see change, real change, lasting change, before he will be ready to re-commit to the marriage. Even seeing it might not be enough at this point, but it sounds like he is ambivalent about divorce so just keep showing the changes. I do not think he is "bluffing" just to get your attention. He meant what he said when he said it. He may be surprised by your willingness to change and hopeful about your ability to make permanent change--but do not jerk him around! If you make changes, they had better be permanent b/c he has given very clear indication that he is NOT afraid to end the marriage.

You will be very lucky if he gives you another chance, so thank God and do not blow it. Get individual counseling, too, to figure out how you could have been so careless of your marriage, and learn what it means to "cherish" your partner. Good luck.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies so far. 

I have been seeing a counselor (three times in the past two weeks and again tomarrow) and am working very hard to discover why I do those things.

I know that he means it...but sometimes his actions don't coincide with his words and that confuses me. BUT I AM making these changes. They are very good for me as a person AND for us as a couple. 

I am very thankful that he is talking with me and I am very determined to make lifelong changes that will make our marriage better forever. I just hope that he is willing to give me that chance and see that I DO mean what I say.

I have done many changes so far. Baby steps, like cleaning the house and starting to go back to the counselor, but positive steps. I am NOT going to let myself down again because, by letting him down, I have let myself down. That is not acceptable. BUT I WAS hardheaded and blind as Susan said, I did not see what he was telling me as problems, so I blew them off. I did not know that those things meant as much to him as they did, I misinterpreted what he was telling me and now I regret that desperately. Now I do know. I am trying to make it up to him and to us as a couple, because it has cost us years of being closer than we already were. That is sad in my book, I know this. I cannot believe that I am so dumb as to not have seen that.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

Well, we are still talking daily about everything from bedroom activities to feelings. We are still seeing each other almost daily for a little while each day. 

I am still working hard on improvements to myself and discussing problems with the counselor and also with H as well, why? Because I WANT to hear H's opinion. Then decide if I agree or not. These changes are about me as a person, but I WANT to know what he thinks as well...for my own peace of mind. I know that's hard to grasp for some, but I still just need that from him as my friend.

I am also back to work at my job. I made it through 7 hours the first day before I just could not face people with a smile on my face anymore, so my manager let me go home. He told me I did well, but I should go home and rest now. (I had tears in my eyes at that point and agreed). 

I have talked with him more about the relationship and he still maintains that he will not make a commitment as to whether or not we will end up together but he also maintains that it is possible, that divorce is a possibility, and that he wants to be friends first then see. BUT he is responding too, he is talking to me more and more in depth as well.

I'm just so lonely. Period. I feel like a total loser. I mean, how could I not have seen the things he was saying to me meant as much to him as they did? How could I have not heard what he was saying? I hear him loud and clear now, but it may be too late and I'm lost.

Everytime we talk about something or another, I ask (once in a while only) for instance....I was talking about how I now recognized and saw that he was trying to open me to more adventurous things in the bedroom rather than trying to find someone else by going to porn sites. Then I said, it's bad that it's too late and you have had to move out to make me see that. He said, It's never too late. He consistently tells me it's never too late. I just hope and pray that that is true.

My son is a good deal of annoyance too. BUT I have started to lay down the laws with him too. He has taken over the yard work and he has paid me my first "rent" on his living expenses. That is a start. Oh, I should explain that he is 23 and living at home, so H and I have always tried to make him pay rent...he just never has. Well, now he has too because mom cannot pay the bills herself. Not with this job. So he did give me $50 last payday and says he will again next payday. We'll see. But Im' hoping he continues to do this. The problem is, he's happy that dad is gone. He is really happy about it. He keeps telling me to move on and get out and do things with whomever...well, I don't want that. I have searched my soul and my mind and KNOW that I do not want that....I want to work on this marriage and relationship and make it even stronger that it was in the beginning. I want to work on myself and make myself a better person and a better wife....I want to create the life that H and I should have had in the first place....if he will just give me the chance to do that.


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## cami (Jun 13, 2010)

So H and I were talking a lot the past week. We have been having some great serious discussions about what went wrong in our marriage and what went right. We even expanded some horizons about SF and talked a great deal about friendship lacking.

So last night, he called and we met up and talked some more (until 1:30). Now I'm just back to confusion and devastation. I don't know what to really think.

He recognizes that I am trying very hard to make changes in myself that will better me as a person. He knows that I have always and will always love him and said so. He knows that I am truly regretful for my actions and that I have never told him any other lies except dealing with the money situation that made him finally leave.

BUT he also says that our friendship disappeared, that I didn't pay enough attention to him and that I lacked passion for life that he really wants. He says that he wants to get younger and it seems like I want to grow older. Well, I'm 43 and growing older, enjoying grandchildren and peace and quiet on occassion is something that I do enjoy. BUT I didn't want to do that without him.

He says that I have my friend because I told him that I really didn't want to lose my friend, my best friend. But that he can't be my best friend at this point because he just can't trust me right now. He says that the trust will come and we can be best friends. If we decide at that point to date or have some type of relationship like that, then so be it, but he is not going to say yes and he is not going to say no until we see what happens along the way.

I am still going to work on myself and make changes to be a better person. I am still going to work through the MB program and my counselor and make every attempt to show him my love, respect, admiration and to hope that he will change his mind and see that we CAN make this work.

He did say that the piece of paper (marriage liscence) is not something he can see ever wanting again at this point. He just doesn't think he wants to be married. But he is open to a relationship if we choose to do that in the future once we work out our new relationship. EDITED TO ADD THIS: But here's the thing...all along he has never told me flat out that he wants a divorce. He has said he is done fighting, he is tired of trying...when I asked him point blank is this heading to divorce he said it was a "good possibility" when I asked him just the other day when he was going to file because I explained that I did not want a divorce, I will not fight him on it because I love him and want him to be happy, but since I do not want it I am not going to pay for it....he said that "well, I won't be able to come up with that kind of money til at least the middle of 2011 or even late 2011." But he has never flat out told me, I want a divorce. My counselor says that this is odd in that most people, especially men, when they decide that they want a divorce they are more than happy to tell the spouse this information and anyone else who will listen. According to his mom and a few friends that I know he has talked with, he has not said it to them in that way either...just says the same things to them that he does to me. EDIT ENDS HERE.

Please does anyone have any guidance at this point? I'm so lost. I want the changes to be a better person. But I want the love of my life as well. I also want to get back to him being my best friend because I miss him in that aspect just as much if not more than I miss him as my H. 

He is still living with his mom, but says that he is saving to move out at some point. And he says that he will not be able to afford to file to "get rid of that paper" until mid-2011 at the earliest. So that gives me some time in one aspect, but not enough time in the world in another but I do need some guidance. I need a reality check here about what I should and should not do.

Oh and he said I can call, text, email him ANYTIME I want for ANY reason....whether that is to talk about our life together, the weather or even another man, I can call him and he will be there because he is my friend. But he wanted me to know, if he tells me he is busy at that point, I have to accept that and wait for him to get back to me. He promised he WILL get back to me each and every time. So he is still keeping that communication open between us. Is that a good thing? In my mind it is, but I just want some verification that I'm not thinking wrong.I forgot to add. 

He also told me that I will always be welcome in his home and his family's homes no matter what.

He said that we CAN continue to see each other from time to time. We CAN continue to talk all the time, no problem. We CAN see where that leads, but he WANTS our friendship first and the rest to be secondary. And he wants me to tell him anytime I'm uncomfortable with anything regarding the newfound dynamic between the two of us so that we can discuss it and decide what to do about it or if it is really not going to be a problem. But, under no circumstances, will he say that this will or will not lead to anything..he will not make that kind of commitment when he just doesn't know if that will or won't happen and he doesn't want me mislead in that aspect.

I do know that I really have missed the conversations like the ones we have been having for the past week or so. Where we REALLY discuss things and hear what each other is saying. That is really nice to be back to that part at least.


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## robdedgar (Jul 22, 2010)

Have you noticed that there are two different point of views on your situation. Either, yes he wants a divorce or he is abandoning you to get you to change and will come home to you. 

All of these posters do not know you or your husband, only you and maybe your counselor. 

All we can do is tell you what we would do in your situation. It might be right or it could be wrong. My best guess is to take everything one day at a time....only time will tell. 

I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you.


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