# Should I be here?



## FWspouse (Feb 27, 2012)

As the username says I am a FWS. I want desperately to fix the damage I have done and hopefully regain my wifes love and trust. My first question is this. She showed my a link to this site that has a lot of info on what she is dealing with and asked me to read it. loads of info as to what she is going through and advice for me to start to mend what i have done and i realized that this could be a good place for me to get advice. Should I be here or should I try to find another forum and leave this one to her?

Thanks


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Welcome.

Yep, you found the right place. But don't expect us to go easy on you.

Give us the particulars of your marital crime.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stick around, there alot of pissed off guy that got screwed over by there cheating wifes, and theres just as many ladies that got screwed over too.

Hell more and more join each day!

Its meesed up and I hope you guys have a real R and you help her heal like mine fWW has. Well I'm not completely healed....I'm still here LOL, but my fWW has done the heavy lifting in get her marriage back.

Let me tell you if the wind blows the wrong way she'll lose me in a heart beat. 

So my advice to you is go figure out why you as an individual made this choice and leave your wife out of it. I'm sure you didn't grow up as a boy telling your self you wanted to be a lier and a cheat.

Sure the cheating was a by product of an unhealthy marriage (assuming here) but once you completely own this crap and fix your self, then you can think about fixing your marriage and heal the women you love.

Good luck man, be prepared folks are hurt and will tier you a new one here at TAM.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Good grief!!! I get so sick and tired of people making selfish decisions and then deciding they need advice. Should have asked for advice before making the selfish decision. 

In case you haven't guessed I am the wife of a liar and a cheat!!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> Good grief!!! I get so sick and tired of people making selfish decisions and then deciding they need advice. Should have asked for advice before making the selfish decision.
> 
> In case you haven't guessed I am the wife of a liar and a cheat!!!


OP, FWS, What do you expect here? Regardless of what your wife recommended, it will be appropriate for you to understand your objectives. As you stated in your thread, you have already caused huge hurt, pain to your wife. If you are really sorry and resentful, you should demonstrate to your wife - a new you.
She has favoured you by not divorcing you yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If she showed you this place, then maybe it would be best for you to do some reading and asking here. 

Do a lot of reading. There are a lot of people here who can help you see what you have really done to her, and how to begin helping her heal. 

Do know that there will be people in here taking out their hurt and aggression on you. Usually best to ignore those posts and stick to answering/responding to those who are truly trying to help.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

For statrters:

How did you meet the OW?

How did the affair end?

Is there NC between APs'?

Have you answered all of the BW questions?

Do you spend 15 hrs quality time with each other to help recover?

Have you sent a NC letter to the OW?

Have you discussed needs the your BW needs you to meet?

Does your BW know your needs that you allowed the OW to meet?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> Good grief!!! I get so sick and tired of people making selfish decisions and then deciding they need advice. Should have asked for advice before making the selfish decision.
> 
> In case you haven't guessed I am the wife of a liar and a cheat!!!


there is no time machine 

so if a WS is willing to come here and learn and either do what's right by their BS or become a better person then I won't turn them away. If they come and flaunt it or refuse to understand then yes they will get an earful.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

FWS - I'm a FWS myself and you'll be welcome here by most - as long as you don't expect anyone to tell you cheating was ok or try to justify your affair - if you do either of those you'll be tarred and feathered. If you want help and advice you may get jabbed at occasionally but for the most part you'll get good constructive advice. Even the overly pointed advice is good for you to hear. 

Let me guess you got a link to Chapparel's list of things to help the WS understand the BS? It's really good info - take it to heart.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

trust?

good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like others have said, if you are truly remorseful then stick around. If you're looking for justification, you won't get it here. There will be those who sling vitriol at you just because you cheated, but if you are truly remorseful you will know this is to be expected, probably from your wife too at first. 

As a BS, one thing that means a whole lot to me is my hubby apologizing PROFUSELY to me. He still says it whenever he thinks I need it. He wrote it down so I can read it when he's not there. And he NEVER gets mad at me for doing what I need to do to heal. Ever.

Oh, and read the Understanding link in my sig.


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## hibijibies (Feb 27, 2012)

Guess you guys scare him away. I'm new to this website but there is always good advice out there. Best advice to get in a marriage usually comes out in conversation about the issues between man and wife. If there's too much of a communication problem then this place is your last resort, as airing your dirty laundry out in the public may offend your spouse and he or she does not get to tell their side of the story.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm apologize if my post was harsh but I find it just selfish to want all this great advice after they have just ripped someone's world to pieces. It is not like we are talking about making a mistake of buying the wrong brand soup. We are talking about choices people have made, choices they knew was wrong but did it anyway. Pain that they willing imposed on their spouse and children. I'm not saying these people don't need advice, I just wish they would have gotten advice from others during their decision process to cheat on their spouse.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> I'm apologize if my post was harsh but I find it just selfish to want all this great advice after they have just ripped someone's world to pieces. It is not like we are talking about making a mistake of buying the wrong brand soup. We are talking about choices people have made, choices they knew was wrong but did it anyway. Pain that they willing imposed on their spouse and children. I'm not saying these people don't need advice, I just wish they would have gotten advice from others during their decision process to cheat on their spouse.


coulda,shoulda,woulda...set sail long ago, maybe he is trying to do the right thing now, like A/R said nice to have a time machine,but to late for that now...all he can do is his best and do the heavy lifting, going forward...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Lone Star said:


> I'm apologize if my post was harsh but I find it just selfish to want all this great advice after they have just ripped someone's world to pieces. It is not like we are talking about making a mistake of buying the wrong brand soup. We are talking about choices people have made, choices they knew was wrong but did it anyway. Pain that they willing imposed on their spouse and children. I'm not saying these people don't need advice, I just wish they would have gotten advice from others during their decision process to cheat on their spouse.


His wife sent him here for help and advice in a hope that they can fix their marriage.
At least he's trying! 
Probably scared him off now.
I hope he comes back. There are some good people here who will be able to offer him sound advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Is this a "post and run" thread?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

very thick skin is highly recommended.


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## FWspouse (Feb 27, 2012)

No it's not a post & run thread. My wife and I have been busy trying to work things out, get ready to travel for a funeral. I am not one that is online all the time so it may be a few days between my post but have spent time on here reading. Out of all the replies I don't recall anyone telling me whether I should stay on this forum or go to another since my wife was a member here first. she says she doesn't mind but I am still not sure. 

I am not looking for sympathy, justification or anything that even smells like someone telling me that what I did to my wife and marriage is ok for any reason at all.

We have been spending a great deal of time together from before DDay to present due to our situation which is different than most because of the nature of my job, current physical condition as I am on workers comp due to an injury on the job in late Jan.

Since I am still not sure if I should stay on here I will say this. 
I have cut all tie to my past A's as best I can. I do not have last names, addresses and only 2 phone #'s in which 1 now knows I am married and committed to fix my marriage and not to contact me again. This was done in front of my wife. The other # I have both my wife and I have tried to get in touch with to no avail. If any of them contact me I have promised my wife that I will not answer, call back, text etc... unless she is present so she can witness me tell them it is over. 

We started going to a councilor, fired him and started a new one today. The first one seemed to want to say that it was I am away from home constantly for work saying people have needs and we spent to much time apart. I am a union lineman and have to travel to where the work is so we don't see each other everyday or for weeks at a time. 

I am 1000% committed to fixing my marriage and hopefully one day gaining my wifes trust again. I am the sole reason we are in this situation. I caused unbelievable ongoing pain to the woman I love most in the world and unfortunately for me it took the very real possibility of loosing her for me to realize what she really meant to me. 

I know better than anyone the damage I have done because I see it in my lovely wife's face everyday. I don't expect forgiveness but am trying everything I can to make us whole again. 

For those of you that want to bash me for what I have done feel free. You can't possibly do better than I am doing to my self for what I have done to the woman I love.


Sam


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

FWspouse said:


> I am 1000% committed to fixing my marriage and hopefully one day gaining my wifes trust again. I am the sole reason we are in this situation. I caused unbelievable ongoing pain to the woman I love most in the world and unfortunately for me it took the very real possibility of loosing her for me to realize what she really meant to me.


Here's the deal. You will NEVER regain your wife's trust again. Never fully anyway. The marriage you once had is gone forever. You can never go back. And here's the rub, you can try your damnest, but right now, your wife is in the driver's seat and if one day she says she can't do it anymore...well, there's nothing you can do about it, and not much you can do to change her mind.

So, I would suggest continuing counseling, but also to get individual conseling for yourself to figure out why you did what you did. If she needs to vent, let her vent. If she needs questions answered, you answer them honestly. Even if it painful for her to hear. She wants to know, you let her know.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You should stay here if you are remorseful and want help and advice. Like I said, I'm a cheater who also came here for help, which I got. I just stayed.


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## FWspouse (Feb 27, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Here's the deal. You will NEVER regain your wife's trust again. Never fully anyway. The marriage you once had is gone forever. You can never go back. And here's the rub, you can try your damnest, but right now, your wife is in the driver's seat and if one day she says she can't do it anymore...well, there's nothing you can do about it, and not much you can do to change her mind.
> 
> So, I would suggest continuing counseling, but also to get individual conseling for yourself to figure out why you did what you did. If she needs to vent, let her vent. If she needs questions answered, you answer them honestly. Even if it painful for her to hear. She wants to know, you let her know.


I've been doing everything you advise on answering and letting her vent. I know I can never fully regain her trust but I am still willing to try too.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What point are you at right now? How long has she known? What have you guys done already? Marriage counseling? Individual counseling?

Can you tell us why you had the affair/affairs?? *this is not for bashing purposes, trying to figure out if you guys weren't meeting each others needs or something else


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

FWspouse, this is indeed the right forum for you if you are indeed remorseful and want advice. The fact that you came here and posted for advice on how to help your BW shows that there is hope for you. Many others would rather run than face the music.

Try not to take things here personally. The forum is filled with NEWLY betrayed spouses, so *there will be a lot of anger projection* toward wayward spouses, so *thick skin is needed*. There are quite a few former waywards here as you may have noticed and they are some of our most prominent and valuable members, sigma1299, jellybeans, entropy3000, affaircare, etc, among them. Sorry, if I left any other former waywards out, you guys are valueable.

So while there is a lot of anger projection, it gives you an idea about the agony your BW is going thru. Hopefully you'll stay and learn, and perhaps be able to help out others who are going thru this hell.


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