# Do you let yourself go?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Since seperation I've noticed my work ethic and personal energy levels have diminished. I still maintain the house as my daughter stays over every weekend and pretty much that's my only motivation. At work I no longer really give a sh-t, which is stressing me out a bit - because on the first week of march everyone has minimal hours - my fault, I haven't been doing my job for my staff.

I've also lost weight, and lost appetite for anything. I'm going to see my counsellor tomorrow as it looks like this has taken its toll on me especially last 2 weeks. Has anyone else encountered this and dealt with it? My wife seems to be better than me when it comes to health, then again, she has her family to take care of her and our daughter. I'm home alone most of the week. 

I think if I didn't get my cat in time I would have gone nuts. Maybe I should rent out a room as well, fill up the place. Heh, a female roommate, my wife would erupt and my daughter will hate me. Have to be male, but no not going to have a formal lease, I want to kick out folk at anytime!

What's wrong with me? =/


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I had the same issues. I couldn't eat, sleep, or focus at work. Then I realized that she wanted this, why should I beat myself up. Within a short period of time, I lost my marriage, and my father, so the one thing I could not lose was my job, so I turned myself around. I started going to the gym, eating right, and so far I have lost 30 pounds. I am doing this for me, because I know once the dust settles, and the paperwork is completed I still have to go on. I also purchased a camera, and started taking pictures as a hobby, to get me out of the house. With work, I realized that I could not lose my job, because of her, I had already lost enough. So when I am there I am focused, and keep very busy. Remember idle hands are the devil's workshop. My wife seems to be doing better than me, but she should, this is what she wanted. When you do see her, never let her see you down. Put on a smile, and make her think you are living the dream, no matter how poopy it really is. Just focus on you and your daughter, the rest will fall into place.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It's totally natural. You've been waylaid. I'm still kind of mess and behind on shopping, laundry, etc

Follow lost hunter's advice - it looks like he's pushing through


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

How long's it been for you , me 4mths- though it feels like 24, can't fkg believe it's only 4.

Nothings wrong with you because you know what , this [email protected] rated somem like at the top of the heap on stress , pain and pretty well anything else you can think of .
The girls , well they do seem to be much better at looking after themselves at times like this too and they are generally far more health and meal conscious than us blokes too so for me , I put a lot of it down to things like that with the girls.

For me , I pretty well spent the first mth too upset to do anything basically. I work for myself and at home so I'd amble out to the workshop every few days if I was lucky . I'd usually only start though , throw my hands in the air, fk this , go back inside to the couch.
Got drunk most nights too. I thought why not , doesn't matter now there's no one here for it to piss off.

That mth I was sorta lucky too because I did sell something that got a few k back in the bank. Pretty well blew that slacking off, on the bills to make up for it.
Then I was dazed after that for a few weeks.
Strangest thing was though with me , I was always hungry , couldn't work it out. But I can't cook and I'm a hopeless shopper . I couldn't believe the amount of work there was involved in just eating. None stop money , shopping, cooking , cleaning up and then repeat , over and over.
If I wasn't so hungry all the time I wouldn't have bothered.
And it made me miss my W sooo much . Because she always cooked really nice food every night and it was just a really nice , warm , part of the days end for us all too. The fkg dog won't even eat my cooking.

My daughter was coming over every w'end too . I felt like that was all I had to live for really.
It was pretty fkg rough , still is. But I had to start looking after myself a bit , had to get some jobs out too . Repayments and bills were getting behind , had no back up left so I had no choice.
I've still gotta finish the house too but that's been too depressing up till just this last mth.
It still is but if I wanna sell it and get the f out of here , then I have to finish it. It's hard though. It was our house , our project .

So your not alone , not here anyway . There's lots of great people here that'll do their best to help each other.
You'll slowly start taking care of business better , then a few other things , then a few more I guess.
I sort of put of everything thing until I couldn't any longer. Then money/work , then one or two other things , then a bit more. 
I'm about 3/4 doing all my crap again now - still eating like a horse too - what the hell is that about , I'm starving all the time ?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys for sharing, it truly helps. For a while there was hope but when reality hit last two weeks, it has really got me depressed. Today I guess I'll try eat something, groom up, try to not let my staff down - I don't want a turnover on my hands. Yet a part of me at the same time is thinking about selling the business and just giving up on everything.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I know where you are coming from. My wife told me she was not happy in December, and this week we are filling our paperwork. This is moving fast, but I never know what tomorrow brings. She was not happy, she wanted out, so I let her go. We tried the MC thing, but I believe once their mind is made, you can't win. So, instead of trying to please her, I not do things I want. So far, I have gotten three tattoos, a new hobby, and I am actually saving money. You are in the dark now, but believe me, even the darkest nights end with the sun. Just keep your head up, and do what you do. You got this!


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

I was there in the couple weeks after she walked out. Honestly the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning was work, because I knew I couldn't afford to lose my job on top of everything else. On the weekends I would go to my parents place, and from there try to get out with a couple friends - needed to make sure I was surrounded by other people (not for fear of harming myself or anything, but just so I wouldn't spend my weekends laying in bed all day).

Lost weight. No appetite. No concentration at work (luckily my boss is recently divorced himself, and cut me some slack). No attention to appearance/grooming. No energy overall. Probably because I wasn't getting any sleep either - I'd often wake up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to bed. I was often tempted to hit the bottle, dull the pain a little bit, but I resisted - partly because I knew that was a slippery slope, and partly because I did not want to end up drunk and calling/texting my STBX.

Eventually all of that started to come back. I'm eating normally again, sleeping through the night. Shaved the beard I was growing, got myself a nice new haircut and upgraded my wardrobe, which did wonders for my confidence. And this past weekend I was finally able to go out with some of the guys and get well and truly plastered - had a blast, and never had the itch to pick up the phone and contact her.

I still lack some energy. I sit here at work and think of all the things I'll do for myself this evening, but when I get home I'll likely end up browsing TAM, or reading something else online, or watching TV, and then the night will disappear. But that lack of motivation has been a problem of mine since before I even met my STBX, and it's a separate issue for me to work on.

But overall, I feel like I'm pretty much back to normal, although I'm still in the midst of grieving and letting go. You'll get back to normal too. It's just a different timeline for each of us. And once we get back to normal, the next step is to become _better_.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks guys for sharing, it truly helps. For a while there was hope but when reality hit last two weeks, it has really got me depressed. Today I guess I'll try eat something, groom up, try to not let my staff down - I don't want a turnover on my hands. Yet a part of me at the same time is thinking about selling the business and just giving up on everything.


You give up on nothing! Your recognizing your slump and not liking it and right there is half the battle. Like the others here and myself you have to force yourself at times to make the changes...you also have other people that rely on you. Turn your situation around an make it work for you. I've had to do that. I did it so well...(fake it til you make it) some days that...i've been told 'divorce becomes you'...and my supervisors are even telling me it was the best business decision ever. I've got my self confidence back and my focus on work has improved and I'm more engaged. I am. I made this thing work for me. 

You have to chose to change. Don't let one woman define you. Pick yourself up and begin again. Do what these other people have done...new hair cut...clothes...outlook...smile...IC...meds...go to the gym (this one I need to do...I seem to type about it but can't get there but I will) ...change your diet...stop at starbucks...talk to an employee about their new baby...'engage'...teeth whitening strips...lol 
grab a new book ..one recommended from here regarding your situation and read a few pages either at night before bed or before you get up. If your a prayerful person do that as well. 

Small changes...daily...

These little things add up...it's like redefining yourself...and then when people see these changes...(and they will) the compliments start coming in and you will begin to 'really' feel great...and do more...then more...and during this process...your depression starts to lift...and in the process people want to start to hang around you more...your self confidence lifts...and the next thing you know...your smiling at a beautiful woman that makes your heart pound (down the road but still)...

get yourself out of the rut...

I was in the black hole of death my friend...you have no idea...I expressed sadness on TAM but couldn't even come on here and express the 'real' thoughts I was having because of fears of real life people (my job etc) finding out...but I knew I was in trouble...it was either roll over and die or 'act'...
That man was not going to kill me on the outside like he did on the inside...I decided to take back my life and get in control and I came up with a plan...and I've been active in that plan ever since...
I have my down days...we all do...but I wont be regressing to where I was...so when someone says 'it gets better..' believe them...but 'you' have to make the changes and want it bad enough.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

This is a good place to find encouragement on this issue and yes i still struggle with it, here I am at work and I found my mind wandering and got on TAM. Listen to Stella, small steps, at least you’re at work. Now each day try and do a schedule and get more done as you go. It will get easier. As far as energy, here is something I learned: The symptoms of depression vary from person to person. But can include feelings of disconnectedness, sadness, hopelessness, guilt, indifference, and worthlessness. Other symptoms are headaches, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, and low energy. You may also be entertaining thoughts of suicide or have noticed an impact on your spiritual life, work, family, ect.
You have ample reason to be depressed as you move through the divorce or infidelity process. Remember that your depression is not only necessary, but it can be productive in your forward movement toward healing. "Depression is a unique state of the body and mind in which you experience sadness and low energy as a way of preparing the body to do something significant." 
Much of your energy is basically being used to provide energy to your emotions (your brain). Normally you might only give your emotions 25% of your energy level, 50 % for work and 25% recreation etc. I bet that has changed right now..... So you actually don’t have less energy it’s just how your body and mind are using the energy. Your body is doing what it needs to do to heal.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Another thought to go along with those small steps that Stella said... If you do them even though you don’t want to, fighting all the way per say... eventually your feelings will catch up to your will.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah I did buy a new sound system I've wanted for ages and treated myself to some new clothes in the first mth. Because when I sold that thing I had a little bit of extra money for awhile.

The new sound system was the best thing I could have done. I love my music and that baby carried me through quite a few nights and made me totally forget .
The clothes helped a lot too and even just while shopping, noticing the girls out there was big . It got me feeling like hmm , surely there's gotta be one good one left out there .

I also bought a new barbeque , not much joy there yet though it's a charcoal and I can't get the damn thing going.

PS , my next little target is a canoe so me and my daughter can go canoeing.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

What you are going through is normal in your situation. 

At first I couldn't sleep. Didn't care to eat much. Lost inches. Was interested in nothing but the mess I was in - and my daughter. 

Start doing little things to bring the focus back to you. Pick up a hobby or dive back into an old one. Work out! 

If you aren't eating much, pick up some good healthy protein and vitamin rich snacks that you WILL eat. Get something in you. Your brain won't work well on low fuel, and your work will suffer. Working out will also increase your desire to eat and will help you sleep. 

Get some self help books and read, read, read. Do what you enjoy. Pretty soon you will start to feel better. 

If you decide to.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm... maybe I'll pick my daughter up after school tomorrow and spend some time with her, but I'll have to deal with my wife for that. *sigh*

Thanks guys, and yeah I need to get out of this depressing lonely house. It seems the depression is at its worst on monday nights.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't FEEL depressed right now. I'm not a blubbering mess of tears, but I just don't give a **** about anything except the kids and my job. My job is like family to me though. The house can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. It is the house that he is claiming as one of his reasons for leaving, because I never clean it good enough for him, well...I'm not cleaning it at all now. I am also exhausted. I thought it was due to my recent bout with mono but I don't know. It could be nerves too. 

Just know, you are not alone. We all deal with this differently. But we are all going to find strength somewhere to pull through.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I'll need some measure of anger to give me that same strength to say "I don't give a sh-t", but I don't feel anger towards my wife no more, it's bust, which kinda sucks. If she just cheats on me it'll make this whole thing ALOT easier.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I hear ya.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Find something you enjoy,hobby or whatever.Keep your mind 
busy.No one else is worth getting depressed over.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

RD

Read your thread through. 

I've had the same issues, lack of focus, no appetite. People ask me, wow, which diet you on? South Beach? Atkins?

I tell them no, I say, I'm on the My Wife is with Another Man diet. 

Hang tough.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Bullwinkle said:


> RD
> 
> Read your thread through.
> 
> ...


My husband walked out on me diet. Yep. I lost 10 lbs in the first three weeks...my doctor was not happy.

Ya gotta at the very least drink some of that chocolate boost. A friend brought me those and they helped. You need energy and your brain needs to function. Go buy that boost...it's actually quite tastey


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> My husband walked out on me diet. Yep. I lost 10 lbs in the first three weeks...my doctor was not happy.
> 
> Ya gotta at the very least drink some of that chocolate boost. A friend brought me those and they helped. You need energy and your brain needs to function. Go buy that boost...it's actually quite tastey


-54lbs and counting now. But after my initial weight loss of 30lbs in the first 2 months Ive been trying to do it right. Unfortunately I don’t really watch what I eat, just how much (I try to make myself eat something even if it’s just a bowl of cereal or a half of a sandwich. since I have no appetite if something looks good such as cake or chips I eat it.(however it’s not very often) But I’m an exercise fiend.. 5 times a week. I think I posted it on my tread how the nurse made me get back on the scale at my last visit.. then she asked me how I’m doing it.. I said the divorce stress diet. She said she had been there...


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

During the years my marriage was slowly, but steadily, going downhill, I gained 40 pounds in two years. I started out at 150, and eventually topped out at 225. Blecch.

For me, the separation and impeding divorce was a kick in the pants to get my **** back together. Since things came to a head about a year and a half-ish ago, I've lost 50 pounds using the "Stop Shoving So Much Goddam Food In Your Pie Hole" diet.

Last summer, I trained up and ran a triathlon... Did it just for sake of proving I could do it. I'd never been so athletic in my life. It felt good.

I hit a little plateau over the winter, as I began the actual process of divorce.

I'm getting into the swing of things, though... A couple weeks ago, I bought an inexpensive elliptical machine for my bedroom, so I can exercise while I'm watching Star Trek or Doctor Who, or whatever. And my Power 90 discs just came in the mail the other day. The way things are going, it's probably going to be at least 3 months before the divorce is final... I can make it through the program at least once by then.

I intend to look fantastic on my court date.


Pb.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Pbartender said:


> During the years my marriage was slowly, but steadily, going downhill, I gained 40 pounds in two years. I started out at 150, and eventually topped out at 225. Blecch.
> 
> For me, the separation and impeding divorce was a kick in the pants to get my **** back together. Since things came to a head about a year and a half-ish ago, I've lost 50 pounds using the "Stop Shoving So Much Goddam Food In Your Pie Hole" diet.
> 
> ...


HAhaha,, Are you in for a fun time....:rofl: I’m in my 3rd week of the P90X I was working out 4-5 times a week in the gym with equipment and weights and my sister says we need to change it up i have this disk set lets do this for a couple months.. OMG... yep the weight started coming off again mostly inches and toned but talk about sore.. in places that I’m like ugh what...? I mean my wrist and hand hurt me one week... a guy at work told be it was called a boxing fracture from clenching my fist to tight and I should have been doing it with an open hand... lol anyways I have to say Im addicted... Love it....


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> HAhaha,, Are you in for a fun time....:rofl:


Yeah... that's why I went with Power 90 first. It's like P90X's little brother.

I got through the first workout last night with no real problem... Slightly sore this morning in a few spots, but it's all good.

Maybe I'm in better shape than I thought (though I still need to get rid of some fat)! The last couple of weeks prepping on the elliptical probably helped.


Pb.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> HAhaha,, Are you in for a fun time....:rofl: I’m in my 3rd week of the P90X I was working out 4-5 times a week in the gym with equipment and weights and my sister says we need to change it up i have this disk set lets do this for a couple months.. OMG... yep the weight started coming off again mostly inches and toned but talk about sore.. in places that I’m like ugh what...? I mean my wrist and hand hurt me one week... a guy at work told be it was called a boxing fracture from clenching my fist to tight and I should have been doing it with an open hand... lol anyways I have to say Im addicted... Love it....


I also have to say every time we do a kick, my sister says there take that.. (my husband's name..- alot of forse goes into those punches and kicks) lol. My nepew came out and said thats really not very nice you guys...:lol:


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> I also have to say every time we do a kick, my sister says there take that.. (my husband's name..- alot of forse goes into those punches and kicks) lol. My nepew came out and said thats really not very nice you guys...:lol:


that's actually a healthy expression of anger. my IC recommended something similar - as did my Rebuilding book.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

ok good I dont feel so bad about it now than


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> ok good I dont feel so bad about it now than


Don't feel bad. I do the same at the gun range. :2gunsfiring_v1:


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

zillard said:


> Don't feel bad. I do the same at the gun range. :2gunsfiring_v1:


 i have an address I can give you..:lol:


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

What's wrong with you ? You know what is wrong with you. You are not eating, exercising or focusing on your job. That is what is wrong with you. 

My friend, you know what needs to be done. Just do it!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Depression sucks. Are you on any meds or seeing an IC? These things reallydo help you get a footing on the ladder back up. I'm still on the never ending waiting list for an IC but meds do help, find a sympathetic dr. Take your depression seriously, that doesn't mean you buy into all it's mind tricks or listen to it tell you how crap you are or how nothing will ever work out.what I mean is you dig deep and fight your corner. Fake it if necessary. Make an action plan, what baby steps can you make today to help yourself? You've been given some ideas here already. You could also get to a gymor go for a walk, maybe not exciting but you need to move plus being outside will help restore your depleted vit D levels.almost everyone is low on d and it can really impact your moods. Socialise. Do you have any friends? Get off the sofa. You might not feel like it but make every effort to get out. If you have the budget, buy something you like. maybe something your ex wouldn't let you have. Do something, anything your ex wouldn't have approved of you doing. Book up your weekends with fun stuff.think of depression like war, you need to have a plan and execute it. I am slowly climbing the ladder but I never faked it or pushed myself, and consequently I stayed in the dungeon way too long. Oh and while you're at it, stop thinking so much.try not thinking for five minutes a day. Google it. It can really help with depression,just shutting off the mind for awhile. What do you do instead? Notice what's around you, get in the moment. Go on, try it. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

What exactly are p90 and p90x? What are the discs? Is it a video or weight training? Interested.i used to weight train before d day. Lost 20 pounds and likely lost muscle which pissed me off, have to start somewhere. Link?


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> What exactly are p90 and p90x? What are the discs? Is it a video or weight training? Interested.i used to weight train before d day. Lost 20 pounds and likely lost muscle which pissed me off, have to start somewhere. Link?


Wikipedia is your friend... P90X - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia




Pb.


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