# Divorce?



## IDreamOfJenny (Feb 15, 2010)

When do you know it's time to leave?

My husband and I had a one year old daughter. We got married when I got pregnant (surprise on birth control pills) - we had been together 4 years before that. I had been thinking about leaving when I got pregnant but it seemed like we could work it out... In the four years we were together, he cheated on me but I forgave him. We had a lot of problems fighting in that he felt I wasn't good enough at housework (he doesn't do any, just me) and I don't communicate well enough... and I was upset because he'd cuss at me and say things I thought were inappropriate (calling me stupid, etc). While I was pregnant things were greately improved. 

Our marriage was really bad the first year of having our daughter. He told me he hated being a dad and did not want to be around her, in addition to the problems we had already. I had an emotional affair with a friend (we no longer talk) online. I was so in love with our daughter and mad that he could want to leave her so badly. We still had the problems we had before about the housework and communication. I have worked really hard at it but he doesn't seem to notice that. When I try to communicate, he talks over me and uses whatever I express against me later. He says he knows he has a very strong personality but I need to just talk anyways. I think there's a trust issue there, because I have no problems communicating with anyone else.

He is a much better father now. But I find myself so incredibly lonely. We have nothing in common. He tells me not to run so much - my one outlet (I don't go out with friends, I only run- I spend the rest of the time with our daughter. He only watches her once a week.) He has gained weight (morbidly obese) and I am not physically attracted to him. He told me he is not attracted to me at all anymore, either... not physically but because I'm not masochistic like I was when we met and I'm not as submissive. (I came from an abusive family, as I've matured and worked through those issues, while I still enjoy bedroom games, I've found myself posturing much more as an equal)

I talked about divorce before and he told me he couldn't afford it and he would leave the country to make sure I would never see a dime and have a way to support our daughter. He later said he was just mad, but that stabbed deep and I'm worried that he really would do that. He could. 

I have no resources. I am going to school but currently I cannot afford to support my daughter... and I feel like it's important to be home with her while she's young and I certainly couldn't do that.

He told me the other day he thinks about divorce all the time, too. But he doesn't want to because of our daughter.

He doesn't want to go to a counsellor. He says he thinks i'm the one who needs to. Maybe he's right, but I think our communication is flawed. He says he doesn't want to spend money on visits of somebody not as intelligent as he is to tell him what he's doing wrong. 

He read my diary and told me keeping a diary is dangerous and that he doesn't want me to keep one anymore because it hampers communication. He put a keylogger on my computer and told me it's been on there for months.

I don't know if I love him anymore. I don't know if he loves me anymore. I think he cheated on me again, but I find I don't even care... even hoping that he would fall in love with someone else and be happy. I've also wished (and I'm ashamed to admit this) that he would get in a wreck and die.

He travels a lot and I'm so much happier when he's gone. HOWEVER, I'm not poor in that case.  When he met me, I was walking 8 miles to and from work each day for my barely paying job, did not have spare money for a coat or a mattress. How could I raise a child like that? And what time would I have with my child.

So for me it comes down to what's the best thing to do for my daughter... but I don't know.

He comes from parents who have each been married (and divorced) several times -- 3 for his mom, 5 for his dad. He says divorce was awful and his parents living apart was awful.
I come from parents who never divorced but should have and my siblings wish they had (but there was mental abuse there, not just them not getting along). So we have different viewpoints there.

If we both are unhappy, and we aren't attracted to eachother, and he doesn't want to do what I want him to do to work on it because he thinks it's all my fault, and I'm not convinced in my heart of hearts I want to work on it (if it weren't for my daughter I would have been gone long, long ago)- is there any hope left?

If we do get a divorce, what do I do? Part of me wants to wait until I have a degree and can support my daughter even if he does in fact just take off before I rock any boat. Part of me thinks he is abusive. Though I'm scared I'm just not viewing it clearly. 

I'm incredibly lonely. And I think he is too.

Thoughts? Advice?


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## IDreamOfJenny (Feb 15, 2010)

Oh and I am 25 and he is 35. When we started dating I was 19, and we got married when I was 23 and he was 34. So there is a good chance I have changed and that makes him unhappy. I don't want to say it all is all his fault by any reach. Or that fault is even important at this point.


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