# How far can I push?



## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

My husband has been having an affair for 2 1/2 years. I thought it was over 2 years ago, but I just recently found out it wasn't. We have argued about this woman for 2 years and I found out he was still taking to her a couple of times, but I thought that was it. He told me both times, he would stop.

Now: We have had a huge fight, she was involved via e-mail. She knows I know everything. She is fighting like mad to take him. Not sure I really want to keep him at this point, anyway.

He says it's completely over. I found e-mails that kind of showed like he was trying to get her to move on, but he was very sweet about it, like he really didn't mean it. He swears that he is not communicating with her. I have all of his passwords, phone, computer, Ipad,etc.

My question: I really don't believe him. I just can't let it go. If he really is trying how far can I push him before I push him away. He has cried, we are in MC, he is in IC. I am obsessed with this. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing now to find out the truth. Am I supposed to be a sweet loving wife and see if he is serious? Am I supposed to cry, go through everything (which I will do anyway) to show him that I really don't trust him. I'm not sure.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

He has continually lied to you. He does not value you as you value him. Is this the life you want? You will always be checking on him. Is marriage to him worth it?

He is cake eating and you are letting him.

Go to an Attorney and file.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Have you separated?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Give her the "prize". Win-win for you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You don't push. 

You pull.

Away.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Does he have any idea how much he has hurt you?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

What were the circumstances of the no contact? Did he send her a no contact letter before? If not, why not?

Assuming he did, it's time for you to do the 180 on him, separate finances, put him out of your bedroom and talk to a lawyer about D. Let him understand what it feels like to lose a wife because he cheated.

Then watch what he does. This will certainly test his remorse. You can always consider delaying the D, if he comes around. 

But right now, I can tell you you are in a false R and he is not remorseful.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

lonely one said:


> My husband has been having an affair for 2 1/2 years. I thought it was over 2 years ago, but I just recently found out it wasn't. We have argued about this woman for 2 years and I found out he was still taking to her a couple of times, but I thought that was it. He told me both times, he would stop.
> 
> She knows I know everything. She is fighting .


This same thing happened to me 19 years ago. I let the OW have my ex h and left. My ex h did NOT want the divorce with me. They married and he cheats on her. Karma got her back and I met a wonderful man that I've been married to for 13 years.

Don't trust your h. He will continue to lie and eat his cake.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

lonely one said:


> Am I supposed to be a sweet loving wife and see if he is serious? .


No, that would be awful for you. He would have no consequence for lying and you would suffer under emotional pressure that would break you. 

You should be pissed off, and he should be groveling to you. He should be willing to do anything you ask. If he isn't, just assume he is still lying. 

You also don't need to reconcile with him. Even if the affair is over. The fact he lied to you about it and continued the affair is enough reason to divorce him. Really think about if you want to give him another chance. He already blew the last one.

If you decide to reconcile, you should write a NC letter on his behalf and send it to her. He should never respond to her again. If she ever tries to contact him, he should tell you, and you should decide if to respond and how. Threaten with a restraining order if needed. 

Disclose his affair to everyone close to you and him. Make sure everyone knows what is going on. You don't want to suffer alone without close friends and family understanding why you are in pain. Otherwise they will inadvertently say or do things that trigger your pain, and they won't even know why. It will also help hold him accountable to others to stay on the straight and narrow (if that is even possible for him).


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

I believe that you all are right. He had a yahoo account that I thought they used to talk on. He told me he hadn't talked to her for over a year LIE. He changed his yahoo account because he said he couldn't get into the old one. He gave me the password. He sent her a NC letter. He told me she wouldn't bother us anymore. Of course she isn't e-mailing on that e-mail because he told her not to. He opened up the old e-mail again, but the idiot used the same password that he gave me for the new one. LOL I went in this morning and it said he accessed it yesterday. I deactivated it and waited for him to reactivate. Now it says that it is temporarily locked because someone tried to get into it. I sent him a text that said "Busted". He will know what it means. I am going to make an appointment with an attorney. I already have one picked out.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

lonely one said:


> I sent him a text that said "Busted". He will know what it means. I am going to make an appointment with an attorney. I already have one picked out.


:smthumbup:

Hard 180.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Sounds like you're locked and loaded. Stay the course. You are on the right one. It's just not worth the pain and frustration if the spouse isn't remorseful. Sounds like he will never be. 

Only slight possibility is when he gets served papers and realizes he really DOES have to pay the piper for the crap he's pulled on you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Do what you need to do for yourself. Stop worrying about him and prepare yourself to be a better and stronger person. You will need it no matter the outcome R or D. Just think about what you need most and what you need to do for yourself and focus on that.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You got into this situation through lies. You stayed in this situation because of lies. You are hurt, betrayed, and have lost all trust because of lies.

Your question reads. Should you also lie and pretend it's all ok? Lying is the cause not the solution. You should be completely open about everything you are feeling. Don't hold anything back. Brutal honesty is the only real way to handle this, and the only way he could ever have a clue about how badly he screwed up. 

He may leave, but it won't be what you said. It will be because he was going to anyway. You know he's not really with you now. Let the flood gates open. Then see if he sinks or swims.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Update?


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

OK Update. He swore to me 100000% on our children that he hasn't talked to her and that he hadn't tried to get into the account. He said he had gotten an e-mail from yahoo saying someone had reactivated his account, he knew it was me, but he wasn't going to say anything. I asked for them to send deleted e-mails, they can repost them for 7 days. There were none. No correspondence on either e-mail. According to her facebook page, she says she ran him off, has called him the devil and said if he really wanted her he would have fought for her. He can't see any of this, he does not have a facebook page and I am sure of it.

He has been out of town this week at a meeting. He took a picture of the meeting agenda, his hotel, the meeting room. He also got copies of his phone records from the company, I asked for them to start in May. I just haven't got the copy yet. 

He had to have a district meeting today in a town 2 hours away. He was 6 hours away before. I drove up last night to talk to him and spend time with him. We went out to dinner and shopping. He was so different. His eyes were sparkling. He wouldn't stop talking. We have hardly had a conversation that wasn't about the house or kids in, I can't remember when. I was actually tired of him talking. LOL He acts as if a weight has been lifted off of him. He is so loving and affectionate and tells me he loves me constantly. 

He also wants to buy a house for us. We are renting now. We haven't owned a house in 6 years because we moved from one state to another. He knows that I really want a home for our children to be able to call home later in life. He got preapproved for a loan already. 

He is just so different now, its remarkable. He told me he wants nothing to do with her and he is all mine. Wow.


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