# Reality check, opinions please.



## Mrs F (Oct 14, 2013)

Hi

This is my first post although I have been reading the forums for months and learned alot!

So yesterday I had "some fireworks" with DH. Basically we were in the car and on the way into town I asked if he would buy me a dress for a charity ball we are going to next weekend. We talked about this not two months ago and he said it would be ok. 

We both work full time (He earns twice what I do) and are saving for a deposit on our own house. 

So yesterday all of a sudden he began to get all concerned about how much it was going to cost. I was a bit put out by this as we had already spoken about it last month! So I got a bit pissed off and did the whole "yoy never buy me anything, every other husband buys their wifes nice things, you earn more than me" etc etc! Then I continued (I was pissed off what can I say) "why don't you plan better, why do you always say we can't afford stuff". He then began to say that I was being naieve because he pays ALL the bills (This is actually true, I pay for our food but he pays everything else, all utilities, car payments, insurance, rent, etc) and my dress was bottom of his priorities as the bills come first. 

Am I being naieve? is he right? what do your husbands do? do I need a reality check? 

Reading this actually I think I may have answered my own question... 

Opinions?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mrs F said:


> Am I being naieve? is he right? what do your husbands do? do I need a reality check?
> 
> *Reading this actually I think I may have answered my own question.*..
> 
> Opinions?


 How have you answered your own question? 

How expensive is the dress ? TO answer this, would be to know your financial situation , if all bills ARE being paid on time, if you have money set aside for a rainy day...and just how expensive the dress you want is.. Coming from the perspective of a more frugal minded woman.... I know for me, me & my husband sacrificed many things that would have been "nice" and enjoyable ...just so we could have that whopping down payment on our dream house...someday... all these things add up.... sometimes we splurged (gotta do that once in a while for the really important things !)....but always weigh the pros and the cons on these things to...and consider options....

I would look at a *consignment shop* for a Nice dress....you would be amazed at the beautiful things a girl can find there for a fraction of the cost...and you'd still have something NEW (at least to you) to wear at this ball. 

This might be a nice compromise....for him.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

When H and I were saving for a house he was like a crazy maniac about spending. Since neither one of us had high paying jobs we both had 2 job and at one point he had 3! The 3rd was delivered newspaper in the morning. We lived in a very cheap roach infest apt (I learn to contain them somewhat) and he hit the ceiling when I wanted to buy anything. He wanted a boat load of cash because we were buying a fixer and he wanted cash for the renovation. 

It really did get on my nerves but I survived it. Even now he is still tight on a dollar but we put our money together and have one pot and we each have an allowance. Soon I will no longer be contribute when my leave run out I wont be going back to work. It will be interesting to see how things go then.

Basically I just deal with his money tightness because we are not rich but his tightness mean we have never have financial problems when we something comes up.


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

You should be able to discuss financial issues without getting pissed off or as many people say nagging.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Its an age old problem. One is high earner the other low or nil. 
You stated you pay for food and H pays for the rest. I and my W have always put the money in the same pot. We pay as equals and consider the money no matter how little either earns as equal.
Ok you want t new dress for a ball. Guys get away with murder because we handa tie and a shirt and wham new outft. Ladies not so simple. But these days as stated there are outfitters around that do have pre-worns. They are often there because the person that wore it one or twice needed to sell it off to part pay for a new one. Dont let people tell you that they can always aford new things these days - many live on a creditcard that is sinking like titanic. 

Perhaps suggest a short trip out of the area together and seek out such outfitters. Be gas aware and dont travel far as the cost of the gas could be more that buying a new outfit (if you see the point). By looking outside the area there is a strong chance of getting something peole near you will not have worn. Plus you can look for a small accessory to makes a visual change i.e shawls, ribbons and belts. etc.
You H will see a positive attitude, he'll understand the effort and if the item looks wrong to him he may just flip the game and offer to get a dress for you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You know, if your combined family income is $50,000. That is hard to save up to buy a house.

Now if the family income is $100,000. One $100 clearance dress is not an extravagant expense. Then again if your going to a party every month and want a new dress then $1,200 is not chump change.

So it is not just buying a dress. Long term family financial priorities need to come first. Not a good idea to use the other husbands buy their wives line. A man can not leave a $50,000 a year job and get a $100,000 or $200,000 a year job as your friends husbands do just because you want it to happen.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mrs F said:


> Am I being naieve? is he right? what do your husbands do? do I need a reality check?
> 
> Reading this actually I think I may have answered my own question...
> 
> Opinions?


You're saving for a house.The dress comes last.With that said,why do you need a dress that's too expensive for you to purchase it on your own? Unless you're a SAHM you should always be able to afford your own clothing,makeup,and girly stuff IMHO.

I think there are far bigger and more important things to worry about at this time in your life.In a few years you won't even remember the party or the dress bc you'll be wrapped in more crucial things.

I'm sorry to be harsh or rude but this type of situation is contributing to why much of the world is in so much trouble financially.We all want pretty things and feel we're entitled to have them when we want them. Then we rely on someone else to buy them for us half the time. Save your money.You never know what could happen and you'll need that chunk of change you spent on a dress to wear to impress people who don't even matter in the big picture of your life.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It's hard for me to understand that even in 2013 there are wives (and husbands) who don't really know what's going on with their family finances. We can't really tell you whether your husband is being reasonable or not, because even you don't actually seem to have a sense of your money situation. I think it was a little unfair of you to say "why don't you plan better?" when you have no actual idea (correct me if I'm wrong) of what you can afford to do. 

We also don't know much about your habits in general -- is this an isolated thing? Are you asking to buy new expensive clothes all the time? Do you have expensive habits? 

Beware of the excuse that "all the other husbands do it." You don't actually know what their financial situations are. Maybe they earn more, or maybe they're actually not saving money. Sometimes the friend who seems to have all the beautiful designer dresses turns out to be the one with $20,000 in credit card debt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The dress is not your problem. The problem is that you two apparently have separate finances and are not working together. How is it that you seem to be clueless about finances.

you work and only pay for the food. Why don't YOU have enough money to buy a dress? what do you do with your income?

I suggest that the both of you read the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". They you two get on the same page with your finances.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

You didn't ask about it specfically, but since you put out the request for a "reality check"...I think you were extremely disrespectful in the way you spoke to your husband. You say you ticked off, but that does not give you carte blanche to go off the rails at your DH. 

"You never....other husbands do more....why can't you..." these are disrespectful statements. Instead of finding a compromise or a win-win, your words put him on the defensive.

You owe him an apology, IMO. 

"I am really disappointed, I thought we had agreed that you were going to buy the dress. I feel like you've switched things up on me now."

"Is there an amount you are OK with paying?"

"Do you have a suggestion?"

Etc- all of these things focus on solving the problem. Trying to shame your husband into giving you want you want("Other husbands do this! Why can't you? Why are you so bad at planning?") might work in the short term, but is destructive over the long term.

Once you clean up your side of the street, you will probably get further. Your husband might be more inclined to treat you a little nicer if you treat him more respectfully. Also, if you stay focused on solutions you will likely find them.

I don't mean to come off as a hard-a$$ but I do think it would be helpful for you overall. My husband would NOT be inclined to do much for me if I spoke to him or fought with him like that.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Mrs F said:


> He then began to say that I was being naieve because he pays ALL the bills (This is actually true, I pay for our food but he pays everything else, all utilities, car payments, insurance, rent, etc) and my dress was bottom of his priorities as the bills come first.
> 
> Am I being naieve? is he right?


Well, in a sense he is right. You both work full time, and by your own admission most of the money from his income goes to pay the major bills.

So the question is, why don't you just use money from your income to buy it since you just pay for food?

And why such an arrangement instead of pooling all the money together anyway?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Mrs F said:


> Hi
> 
> This is my first post although I have been reading the forums for months and learned alot!
> 
> ...


yeah, you sound selfish and entitled and with the way you spoke to your H, I would be very careful. My wife would be shown the door, not to get rid of her, but if she started to act like I was not doing enough for her financially when I was paying all of the bills, I would tell her gold digging self to find the guy she is referring to. I am not him. Why did you ask him about getting a dress if he is not allowed to have an honest response?
What is the point of separating finances if he has to pay for your clothes, and all of your bills, anyway?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

If you only pay for the food, what do you do with the rest of your money?
My H pays the majority of our household bills, he also makes more than twice what I do.
I budget, pay my bills & if there's something I want, I save for it, I don't expect my H to buy it for me "just because."
He'd laugh me out of the house if I pulled something like that.


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