# please help! living arrangements with the inlaws



## wiltedrose (Sep 7, 2010)

hi all,

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, we are both doing post-grad studies at the moment.

For the first year of our marriage, we rented out a place.

This year,since we are both studying and because neither of us had a steady income (my husband works as a locum dentist on holidays), we were forced to think about different living arrangements, and decided to live with his parents.

From the start of our relationship, I've had a great relationship with my in-laws. THey have always been, and still are incredibly kind, loving and caring. THey love their son very much, and are very attached to him.
I know this is a horrible thing to say, but i'm just getting so frusterated staying at his home. No matter how much he tells me ' this is like your home, treat them like your parents' - it's impossible. 
His parents are lovely- but they get involved in everything. I appreciate their love and guidance, but seriously- they want to be involved in everything, holidays, etc. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my day-to-day life, and I just can't be myself around his parents. Now that we've moved in, i feel like my husband relies more on his parents for emotional support- and i our relationship is going backwards. And also, his mum has taken over compeltely all the cooking, cleaning, laundry for him. How can I try and take control of the kitchen etc when it's her house? I know she means well - but i feel that my role as wife is diminishing.
I feel like they are just too attached to their youngest son. Even last year when my husband and i had our own place, his mother would always make comments like' why are you wasting your money on rent, we have so much space at home.' I know it's all in good intention, but it's nearly been a year and i'm just getting fed up.
We both have another year until we finish our Med degree. When i try to talk to my husband about my frustration, he gets upset because he can't afford to move out now. I honestly have been trying hard to not complain about the little things, i try and keep in mind that his parents mean well - but eventually my frustration gets taken out on my husband, and that is not good - because he's in a tough situation too.

Anyways, my parents live in the same city, and my parent's home is always welcome to me. I realise my husband and I can't move out until the end of next year, when we finish our study. 
my husband and I just got back from a 6-week placement in a rural area. It was just me and my husband - and it was bliss!! after nearly 2 months alone, it was just too hard for me to come back to his in-laws after so much freedom.

So, Recently i've been trying this living arrangement where I stay with my husband at his in-laws for 4 days of the week, and come to my own house (with my parents and sisters) for 3 nights a week. In my own house, I'm comfortable and I feel alot more free around my own parents and sister. My husband was good with this for a few days, but he's now really upset because he misses me so much. Although I miss my husband too, I feel like I myself have more space with this living arrangment. But, i feel so sad knowing that he is not happy. I don't know what to do - 
should i just suck it in, and stay with his family full time? Or should I try and comprimise with my own comforts and stay half-half?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

The split arrangement is just asking for trouble.

Look, if you are living in MIL's house, you basically give up control over food and laundry (unless you work out an arrangement with MIL). So you will have to live with that. But offer to help out.

Basically it sounds like you two got married well before you could afford to be on your own. Since you did that, and it's no one's fault but your own, suck it up for another year and deal with the current living arrangements until you can move into your own place.


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## ktilash (May 27, 2010)

I really don't think you should be going home to your parents without your spouse either. The time apart isn't good. You need to agree were to live and just stick it out.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

I used to live at the in-laws too. We had to live there when I was 4 months pregnant because my mother kicked me out of my old home, which she owned. It was impossibly hard. My husbands friends would all come over one night a week to play Dungeons and Dragons, and I just couldn't get into it. We slept on a twin sized bet with preggo me, and his mother would always be coming in to pick up. Even that we had maybe one bookshelf and a small walkway from the bed to the door. Everything else was there.

Finally it got to the point where I couldn't hold the frustration anymore and his mother and I had yelling matches, one ending in her spanking me! My husband stepped in and stood up for me, but after that I couldn't tolerate it anymore.

You're best bet is to come to an agreement with the in-laws. It's hard for a mother to lose her nest, so when she gets the chance to dote and be a mother again she tends to go overboard. Offer to help with some of the chores or the cooking. Tell her if there are any odd jobs around the house she might not be able to do or never usually thinks to do, you'd be willing. But don't make the sacrifice of your married time and be missing your husband just because she's frustrating you. It may be more comfortable at your house because you're used to them, but it's going to come to a draw between hubby time or more family time.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

First of all, you are in her home, so you have no right to "take over" the kitchen, or any other part of the house (unless she, herself told you to).

I'm not trying to bash you, so please don't take it that way. You and your husband are both blessed to have supportive parents. A lot of people don't have any such support. You've got one year left, you've made it half way, hang in there.

Maybe you could live at his parents' home for a month or so, and then at your parents' home? The way you feel when you are at your parents' house is probably the way he feels when he is at his.

Keep your goals in sight...to get through school and have a happy, healthy life as a couple.


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