# When issues with kids impact marriage



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Does anyone have any advice for parenting a child that is very impulsive? My 7 year old boy is very impulsive. He is very smart too. He suffers from some health issues which contribute to his impulsiveness but I also think its part of his personality. He's smart enough to understand consequences and he understands it but thinks about it AFTER the fact. So we have trouble with him in school (he gets straight A's on all his work but has been suspended for behavior). I've been trying to work with the pediatrician and all they want to do is prescribe ritalin. He has a therapist that he just started with and maybe he will be helpful. 

So far I've been the one to help him the most. I took him to a nutritionist which is how he was diagnosed and changes in his diet made a huge difference and the vitamins he's on (he can't absorb D or B so these are very important)..I've read up on stuff and given him some things to help such as he is unable to sleep through the night and playing music softly did the trick. 

Anyway, all of this does affect our marriage. We had some problems in our marriage and thought about getting divorced. We are in the midst of working them out but we have trouble finding time for each other because he requires so much time and it is so stressful. In fact the stress is having a big impact on my health. We had to move him from the school district because he was mistreated in school by the teachers (and there is a pending lawsuit and investigation against them) so he's dealing a bit with some issues on that. 

In his new school he's doing great, very understanding people. We shared with them the info about the other school being abusive. At first I thought it would make them nervous but they've been very understanding, helpful, and empathetic. He's doing much better there and his biggest issue is being impulsive. 

So I have two questions 1) any advice on helping a child who is impulsive (I'm not terribly impressed with doctors or therapists at this point but still trying) and 2) as a couple who is struggling anyway how do you not let this pull you further apart?


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
1) Your son: Is he impulsive or is he an ADHD little boy? If you were to put impulsive on the left and ADHD on the right on a scale, where would you situate your son?
There are a lot of strategies that you can use with your son, never ear of Coaching College Students with AD/HD: Issues and Answers
Quinn, P. O., Ratey, N. A. & Maitland, T. L. (2001). Coaching College Students With AD/HD: Issues & Answers. Bethesda, MD: Advantage Books.
All the strategies in this book can be use on any different aspect of your son's life.
2) Your marriage: Is it only your son who is pulling your marriage apart or more than one thing? You know, Kids are easy to blame, but is it really only this? What else keep your relationship to be better?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Have you considered a therapist who works with ABA or CBT techniques? Both techniques are based on behavioral therapy rather than medicating and can take awhile to take effect.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I had a similar child. Not ADHD.... ADD/Impulsive. Huge headache, hard to handle, many behavior issues, many parent-teacher conferences, etc... My ex was a schmuck and not very helpful (altho he wasn't an ex at the time). I resisted medication for a long time. I tried therapy with him, and diet... I gave him coffee in the a.m. before school. 

When he was in 4th grade, I finally put him on medication. The change in him was awesome. I think it was the first time in his life that he felt successful... not in trouble! It lasted about two years, till he hit middle school and decided he didn't like medication, or doctors, or therapists, or parents.... the teen years were endless....  Well, not really. He is 20 now, in the Army and making his plans for the future. He seems alright. 

As for the marriage.... I can't help you. I can't say the demise was because of the kids, but I can say that I was dealing with a schmuck who really wanted to avoid the hassle that "difficult" children bring. I'd say go to marriage counseling, find a way to stay united, try to institute date nite ( I know, the babysitter issue with a PITA kid... I know)... communication and togetherness....that is what it takes.

Good luck!


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

Without doubt, raising kids affects your marriage. I had been trying to get to the bottom of what was the cause of my older child's issues and finally got a diagnosis 9 months ago (child is now 12). Its a lonely exhausting process with the support of the father let alone without full support.

A lot of fathers (I am not saying all, but antedotially speaking to other mothers, and the child's psychologist, it is a common scenario) do not readily accept there is something wrong with their child as easily as the mother and/or not wanting to label their child. Fair enough, but that can breed resentment and distrust amongst other feelings between parents. Remember if you don't sort out your problems with each other, what will happen once your child has left home? Will you still be connected?

It sounds like you are at a point that you both really need to spend some time focussing on yourselves individually and also some together time. It can seem impossible,but if you really want to, you will find the time. You are doing the best you can for your child, and you can do no more than you can do. You situation is what it is, and you give the impression you are a good parent doing the best you can. Time for you to take care of yourself and your marriage. Its not about neglecting your child, its about stopping neglecting yourself & your marriage.

Have any of the specialists you have been seeing looked into any of the sensory processing disorders such as dyslexia, DCD, auditory processing etc?? Very common behaviour sympton is impulsivity. I honestly don't have any answers for you on that question but I so wish you all the best.


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## supermommy123 (Apr 5, 2012)

Yeah I am agreeing with SunnyT, You should try medication for your kid. The way he is behaving with you is not acceptable like in school you are still able to cope up but situation gets worse in future.
Either through distinct activities or therapies tries to impact your son's behavior or you can simply opt for medication.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

I agree with SunnyT: Try the medication.

I know how you feel. I went through it for years with my own son. I did not want him medicated, period. Wouldn't even entertain it, no matter how many times it was suggested. I did the same things Sunny did, right up to giving him coffee in the mornings or before events that required his concentration or for him to be on his best behavior. 

My young challenging child grew into an even more challenging teenager, still unmedicated, but with more or less the same behaviors. His impulsiveness has caused a lot of grief this last year, as it has landed him in some legal trouble, because even though he knows things are wrong, he doesn't think until AFTER he's done something stupid. 

I remember finally taking him to my pediatrician's office, ready to eat crow, and literally begging her for the medication. She prescribed Concerta (long-acting Ritalin, lasts all day) and the change has been nothing short of miraculous. My defiant child is now compliant; my child who was failing in school now is getting A's and B's. He is much more pleasant to be around, and seems to have a new-found ability to think BEFORE he does things. He has gotten a job, was accepted to vocational school (no small feat given his prior academic history and behavior issues), and is just overall a much nicer child to be around. 

All of those things are now contributing to a much more peaceful household. The last year, getting here, was rough. He was arrested twice, on probation for much of that time, in intensive counseling. While probation gave him boundaries and counseling helped sort through some things, it was the Ritalin that really turned him around. 

While ADD meds are like any other in that you may not get the right one or the right dose on your first try, the good thing is that they work quickly. You will know within just a couple of weeks whether they will be of benefit to your son, and by extension your sanity. I went into saying, "I will try it for one month. If I don't see results after one month, I'm taking him off." Best decision I ever made for my son and the rest of us!


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Medication, diet change, visual cues for self control will help. Try to look for the program called paths which teaches children about self control in a fun way. Having active kids and no one to relieve the parenting chores on a regular basis will definitely put stress on marriage, so find someone to look after your kid weekly on a regular basis and spend quality time with husband, unwind and rediscover the love, once you two relax you will be able to manage your son and marriage better. I have had somewhat similar situation a few years back.


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