# Help



## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

Within 30 days my life changed for the worse. She blames it on the argument we had a few months ago. She said I made her this way. I don't have all the pieces, she won't tell me anything. But what I do know is this. She secretly meets another man, they text, send pictures to each other. Based on our cell phone bill they talk a lot on the phone. When I'm not home of course. She's been distant, gets mad at me for everything. She wants time alone now. She disappears for 2 hours at a time. She doesn't want counseling, she says they are just friends. Her cell phone is locked now, I can't see her pictures...she has her kids covering her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Do her kids live with you?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> Within 30 days my life changed for the worse. She blames it on the argument we had a few months ago. She said I made her this way. I don't have all the pieces, she won't tell me anything. But what I do know is this. She secretly meets another man, they text, send pictures to each other. Based on our cell phone bill they talk a lot on the phone. When I'm not home of course. She's been distant, gets mad at me for everything. She wants time alone now. She disappears for 2 hours at a time. She doesn't want counseling, she says they are just friends. Her cell phone is locked now, I can't see her pictures...she has her kids covering her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is having an affair. She is doing it because she wants to and she is blaming you for her awful behavior. If she doesn't want to be your wife, show her the door.

I'm so sorry you are here brother. Look at the 180. Be strong. You don't nice her out of this. She is lucky to have you!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

I think if I have learned anything, it is that there is nothing "NICE" you can do to affect the situation.
I would agree that the 180 is a good step. if you have doubts about enacting it, get some counselling to understand why.
Sorry this has happened to you. It is hard. We all find it very hard.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

IM, just out of curiosity, what do you think this means:

She said I made her this way. 
She won't tell me anything. 
She secretly meets another man, 
She's been distant
Gets mad at me for everything. 
She wants time alone. 
She disappears for 2 hours at a time. 
She doesn't want counseling.

Does anybody really have to tell you?


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

she's mad at you, she will blame everything on you. She wants to get even, she will do stuff to make your head spin. 

best thing is to do the 180. it's hard to do but try and try hard. 

dont let her words get to you. It is not your fault. You dont need her to be happy. Let her go, you will suffer withdrawal symptoms. 
keep your mind occupied in other stuff. be strong.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Shes cheating and you are allowing it.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> IM, just out of curiosity, what do you think this means:
> 
> She said I made her this way.
> She won't tell me anything.
> ...


Wow. This is virtually identical to what WH put me through a year ago.

I tried so hard to be who I thought he wanted me to be ... but I now realise that he lied and lied and lied.

Others would say to me to look after myself. But all I wanted was my marriage back.

One year on I no longer have any feelings for WH. We had been married 41 years, but have now been separated for just over 3 months.

Concentrate on yourself, and just 'go' with the 'down' days. Recognise the 'down' days for what they are ... a necessary part of the journey. They will eventually go away, but it takes time.

The advice on TAM/CWI was invaluable in getting me to this point. I am so grateful for that.

Good luck to you. It is not an easy journey, but you will get through it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Put your foot down


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Exactly. This behavior needs to stop immediately. No contact of any kind at any time with this other guy. No hiding anything. Total transparency. She needs to be made to understand that your marriage is hanging by a thread and if she's unwilling to change, you're done. If that doesn't bother her, well, that answers the question of "what should I do." Divorce her, and move on to someone who will appreciate you, love you, and be the wife you deserve. It doesn't sound like that's what you have now.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find out who the OM is and out him to his wife, family, friends and put him on cheaterville.com then send him the link.

If you go at this all nice and sweet you are going to end up with no family.

Can you reconcile with her when you find out she has been having sex with another man?

You need to get a voice activated recorder and put under the front seat of her car with Velcro. Go to bestbuy or walmart and buy the sony model only that costs about $50.00. You will have your answer, probably immediately. Test the var to see how it works and learn its controls before you put it in her car. Be prepared for a shock. If you hear someone having sex stop listening, you cannot unhear that crap.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a second var for the house where she is likely to use her phone when you are not there.

Good luck


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> Within 30 days my life changed for the worse. She blames it on the argument we had a few months ago. She said I made her this way. I don't have all the pieces, she won't tell me anything. But what I do know is this. She secretly meets another man, they text, send pictures to each other. Based on our cell phone bill they talk a lot on the phone. When I'm not home of course. She's been distant, gets mad at me for everything. She wants time alone now. She disappears for 2 hours at a time. She doesn't want counseling, she says they are just friends. Her cell phone is locked now, I can't see her pictures...she has her kids covering her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In this argument, did she tell you that she loves you, but she's not really in love with you?

Her phone lock is probably a social security last four digits, year, birthday..

Just friends is code for 'sleeping with him'

Tell her you're leaving her, if she wants to know why tell her it's because of that argument you had..


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

NEWS FLASH!!!:

You didn't "make" her this way. She was this way all along: dishonest, immature, selfish and warped. So, an argument some months before turned her into a cheating skank? Sounds like two little kids: "You wouldn't let me play with your toys, so now you're not my friend anymore."

Her logic is like all drug addicts, criminals and irresponsible people who refuse to grow up: "I know I'm a bad person, but it's really someone else's fault!"


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What does that mean... Her kids are covering for her. I assume they are your step kids? Are they aware of her actions? Lock on the phone is her polite way of telling you "f--- you". 

Everyone argues on all sorts of subjects. It's not a license to cheat. She is trying to blame you for her cheating. 180 and run. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry to be crude but here's what your wife has said to you (magnified for proper effect).

"You didn't let me have ice cream after dinner so I did a train with the local football team."


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

We really need more information to help you.

Married? How long?

Children with her? How many, how old?

Does she work with OM?

Sex life with her over this period?

What was the argument about?

Any red flags before the argument?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> She wants time alone now. She disappears for 2 hours at a time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 If she wants time alone then give it to her. Tell her to pack up, move out and she can have all the "alone time" she wants.

Don't play games with her and don't play nice with her because you'll dig yourself a hole so deep, you'll never get out. You don't have to explain anything to her, just tell her to take her show on the road and be done with it.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Blame shifting, re-writing the marital history, gas lighting... 

Let her go. Put your foot down and find someone worthy of your love and loyalty. You cannot find that in her.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Do you have kids with her?

If the answer is no, then "run Forrest run."


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Sometimes you gotta make one of lifes hard choices, stay knowing she used an excuse to cheat or leave with dignity knwing you are worth so much more than that self centered blame shifting crap!

I pity you for being blind to what is happening around you and feel sorrow for your denial about what you know is going on but feel you need proof to expose and you are very insecure about what the next step will be.

Question is this, what do you want "now"?

Truth? Forget it, she has had enough chances to be hnest and fess up, she will lie and lie some more to cover her a$$, thats what cheaters do!

Would you reconcile if she fessed up? What boundaries do you have now or would you set in the future?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Excuse. Ill post standard instructions in several hours.

In the mean time.
Do nothing and keep your mouth shut.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If they aren't your kids, 180 on wife, 180 on the kids.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Put your foot down


Both of them

55


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed, I doubt that she would accept such disrespect and humiliation from you so why are you accepting it from her.
1. Get tested for STD's
2. See an attorney.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you want the real answers:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 01-09-2014
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

01172014 1033A

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. 

The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I read your other posts. Get help now. If what you are saying about your wife is true this is going to send you into a horrible tailspin.

You have had too much pain in your life to deal with this alone. Go to the E.R.

I mean it. Get some help. Your life is more valuable then ending it over this.*


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

YES


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> Within 30 days my life changed for the worse. She blames it on the argument we had a few months ago. She said I made her this way. I don't have all the pieces, she won't tell me anything. But what I do know is this. She secretly meets another man, they text, send pictures to each other. Based on our cell phone bill they talk a lot on the phone. When I'm not home of course. She's been distant, gets mad at me for everything. She wants time alone now. She disappears for 2 hours at a time. She doesn't want counseling, she says they are just friends. Her cell phone is locked now, I can't see her pictures...she has her kids covering her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nuff said. Dump the hussbag


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

YEs


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

We will be married 2 years next month.
Kids are not mine and they are not with us full time. 
We still have sex, but I that's all it is now. 
She still tells me that she loves me. 
The argument was about her having dinner with her ex.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

I talk to a Counselor once a week.


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## IMBROKENINSIDE (Oct 21, 2013)

no kids together... I love them and raised them like they were my own.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Decide leave or investigate to leave.

If investigate, for heavens sakes keep your mouth SHUT. Some men need to be sure to leave. If you need to know:

I provide a plan. Step by step.

Execute.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

What can you do for yourself?

Do you work?

What about the house? Rented? have you got personal savings to help you get away from this mess, seriously your other threads tell me enough that you need out and away from this ASAP!!!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Get help and make time to grow. You need it. Forget her. If she loves you she'll be there when you get back. And if not, good. You will be okay. Be strong.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

IBI - Even before this happened you were uneasy about your W cheating on you. Seems you smelt a rat & your gut instinct was right.

Her guy 'friend' being on the scene probably triggered your depression and would have been the worst thing possible for your GAD. 
(GAD = generalised anxiety disorder - goes with depression - I've had it myself.) 

What is the worst is that she continued to meet him knowing how bad it was making you feel. 

- Please see a doc (psychiatrist) - you need medical help, you can't do this on your own and you possibly need medication. Depression & GAD is a double whammy, ESPECIALLY with this going on

- Do the 180 on her. 

- Keep posting for support. 

- Tell someone you can confide in - friend, family member. 

Please take care of yourself.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop having sex.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

IMBROKENINSIDE said:


> We will be married 2 years next month.
> Kids are not mine and they are not with us full time.


Then don't waste another minute. Leave her sorry ass. An annulment still may be possible. Find out from a lawyer if you can still get one. I bet you can.


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