# What women (and men) want in a spouse



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:

1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
3. Right economic category to provide the things that you want
4. Exciting/interesting - keeps the fire alive

If the spouse misses one of these, it leads to a sore spot that will keep eating away at the health of the marriage over time. What do you guys think?

Makes me wonder - how can one person hit all of these points? Maybe this is why the divorce rate is 50%


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

1) I agree with
2) I would change the word to respected/accepted vs embraced. I would need my family to at least accept my wife but I don't need them to consider her the best thing since sliced bread. I would hopefull already be doing that
3) disagree. Could be more of a man vs woman perspective but I don't care about how much money a woman makes. More interested in her attraction, mind, spirit, and heart. 
4) I agree with. Attraction fades and it's what's between the ears that is most important.


----------



## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

I think the requirements are fluid and change along the way. 

1) Attraction - Always first, and I don't mean he would be the most handsome, but he has to push my buttons. Attraction for me is NOT based on outside appearance, inside has to be there first. Just so happens my husband is gorgeous, but I honestly would not care if he wasn't.
2) My friends and family like him --- It's nice to have, but not a deal breaker
3) I didn't care about the economics. Always knew I would be self sufficient.
4) Of course!


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yep, that's why most marriages are a temp relationship. What you say is absolutely accurate and why its hard to judge folks who want out of a marriage because it just doesn't work for them anymore. They need to leave gracefully.(ie no exit affairs or hurting the left spouse) DUDE


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...


I have thought along similar lines, dedad. But my theory (as to why the divorce rate is so high) is a bit different than yours, and I think we need to dig a bit deeper...

Let's take your first point for example. While most of us probably want an attractive spouse, do most of us have the maturity to recognize that our spouse WILL age and their body WILL go through changes? How many people have the maturity to accept that their spouse will probably physically change and to accept those changes without cheating or simply getting 'turned off'? In other words, how many people have the maturity to control their own vanity and to tolerate those changes in their spouse? 

I'm convinced that if there was a test for how mature a person is, and that only mature people were allowed to marry, the divorce rate would be drastically slashed. Plus, the population would possibly be no where NEAR where it is today. Abortion rates would be reduced, etc. To me, maturity is _key_. 

But alas...too many people are NOT that mature. They're selfish, greedy, vain, intolerable, lacking in compassion, self-centered and they believe they 'deserve' certain things, etc. The don't have the self-awareness of what their faults are, nor do they have the interest in controlling those faults so as to protect their spouse and others from them. 

When we hear statistics such as "Most divorces occur because of monetary issues", that's only the end result of some of the deeper problems I mentioned in the prior paragraph. Someone who doesn't have a grip on (or doesn't think they SHOULD have a grip on) their own greediness will cause much distress in a marriage, just as much as someone who is financially selfish...or someone who lacks compassion. 

At this point in my life, the 4 points you drafted are "nice to have", but I believe that if I ever want a serious relationship, I'm going to be looking at his _character_ first. He may be the best looking, richest, loved by all, sexually exciting man. But if he's also a selfish liar, I will want him OUT of my life, pronto!

YMMV


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

dedad said:


> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> 3. Right economic category to provide the things that you want
> 4. Exciting/interesting - keeps the fire alive


1. Agreed, sort of. This seems to imply though that looks/style all that matters which I don't agree with. Personality / demeanor is just as important (both are necessary for me)

2. Don't really agree, maybe just the wording. My wife gets along great with my family, but I don't really care if she didn't fit in or was "embraced". Likewise I was not looking for someone to "show off"

3. Don't agree at all. This sounds more in line with the interests of the Cougars who frequent the local steakhouses at night 

4. Agreed


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...


1 and 4 are essentially the same, my wife of 50 years totally misses 2 and 3....go figure...


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
for me:

1) Enjoyable company - someone you like to spend time with. This is mostly personality, but appearance can figure in too.
2) Someone you can trust, and who trusts you
3). Someone sexually compatible. 
4). Compatible views on money. You don't need to be anywhere near equal in wealth / income but you need to be able to agree on how money is spent.


----------



## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

I don't think you have to hit all the points. Nobody's perfect. I think the key is both people better be having their top 2 or 3 needs met in a pretty consistent manner. If not, relationship is probably on the rocks.


----------



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Vega,

"I have thought along similar lines, dedad. But my theory (as to why the divorce rate is so high) is a bit different than yours, and I think we need to dig a bit deeper...

Let's take your first point for example. While most of us probably want an attractive spouse, do most of us have the maturity to recognize that our spouse WILL age and their body WILL go through changes? How many people have the maturity to accept that their spouse will probably physically change and to accept those changes without cheating or simply getting 'turned off'? In other words, how many people have the maturity to control their own vanity and to tolerate those changes in their spouse?" 

You are absolutely right on this point. People's looks change as they age and it takes a level of maturity to know this upfront.


----------



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> 1. Agreed, sort of. This seems to imply though that looks/style all that matters which I don't agree with. Personality / demeanor is just as important (both are necessary for me)
> 
> 2. Don't really agree, maybe just the wording. My wife gets along great with my family, but I don't really care if she didn't fit in or was "embraced". Likewise I was not looking for someone to "show off"
> 
> ...


On #3, what I mean is that together, you need to be at the economic level that you want. For instance, if one of the spouses has envisioned a fast, high end life with cars, big houses, travel, clothes, etc., if the combined income is not adequate to hit this, its going to eat away at the marriage.

One #2, what I mean is that in the long run, there are holiday dinners, gatherings, weddings, births, deaths, a lot of things where all members of the family come together (in normal conditions). If there is friction, it will bubble up to the surface at some point. One might say, screw them, I will support my spouse. Good. I believe that this loss of contact with ones own flesh and blood will eventually get to the person.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...


O.k. dedad, I work nights so I'm a bit more awake now. :smile2:

In all honesty, I see this list as being ... shallow. It's mainly all about what a potential spouse CAN DO FOR YOU...

...which is NOT _*love*_. 

You want him/her to be physically attractive TO YOU.
You want to show him/her off to friends and family in order to make YOU look good
You want him / her to make enough money so YOU can get some of the things that YOU want
You want him/her to be exciting between the sheets...for YOU. 

What about _*LOVE*_? 
Are you only going to love him or her *IF* they meet these _superficial_ 'requirements'? 

What if your spouse/potential spouse gets into a traffic accident and becomes horribly disfigured or disabled? 

ALL of your points (and yes, I know there are probably other points from other people) are subject to change. People can lose their great job/career. Looks fade as wrinkles and cellulite set in. Physiology can change and your friends and family may not ALWAYS like your spouse as much as YOU do. 

I would think that if you TRULY loved your potential mate, NONE OF WHAT IS ON YOUR LIST WOULD MATTER. 

I think a major reason why marriages end is because too many people view marriage/relationships as 'What's In It For ME?" They are more interested in what they can GET instead of what they can GIVE. Unfortunately, It's a sad reality. And it smacks of gross immaturity. 

I was married and divorced three times. NONE of my ex's were really lacking things on your list. They were all physically attractive, and they were more than enough in bed. But I made the fatal mistake of looking at their _personality_; not at their _character_. They were fun-loving, quick witted and could hold a conversation about more than the weather. We had some common interests. I THOUGHT that was all I should look for. 

I didn't divorce them because their looks started to fade or they gained weight, didn't make enough money or my friends and family didn't like them. I divorced them because they each had some MAJOR character flaws. For instance, my last husband (now deceased) was terribly selfish, but I stupidly overlooked it. My husband before him was very lazy and would rather live off the system than to get a decent paying job. And ALL THREE HUSBANDS had lied to me about something MAJOR within the first few months of getting to know them. I thought I was being the 'big person' by forgiving them, only to later realize that lying was a way of life for all three of these 'men'. 

The last serious relationship I had, my b/f cheated. After that, I took a sabbatical from dating/men for a few years, and I've been doing a lot of soul searching regarding marriage/relationships. I came to the conclusion that there are very FEW people 'out there' who know how to have a decent relationship, let alone a decent marriage. 

It's no wonder why the divorce stats are so high.

We don't really educate people regarding character anymore. Positive character traits such as honesty, loyalty, generosity, kindness, punctuality, altruism, wisdom, calmness, hard-working, cooperation, etc. have been replaced with me, me, ME! Narcissism has permeated our society, and I'm afraid that it has seeped into the most intimate relationship: Marriage. People talk about how they "deserve" a certain amount of sex or they "deserve" a husband who buys them expensive cars, jewelry and 3.5 million dollar homes. Lying and cheating has become common place. What a shame...

I have been working on my own 'short list' of traits I would want in a spouse, IF I ever decided to get married again, or get into a serious LTR. So far, my list includes:

1. Humility
2. Honesty
3. Altruism
4. Kindness
5. Hard-working

These are traits that I myself have been working on. After all, I can't possibly expect my potential partner to GIVE me what I won't or can't give to THEM! So, I'll add one more thing to the list:

6. Fairness 

O.k Rant over! Thanks for listening!


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

This whole thread I was mentally composing a similar rant, @Vega!

I didn’t know if I was misreading the poster, but now I know I'm not. He's way off base, only talking about surface qualities, and things that are changeable!

1) Looks change. If you are obsessed with looks you are going to be disappointed eventually.

2) The key is WHY they would be embraced. What are the qualities of a person that would make your friends and family approve of them?

3) Economic category? So what you’re saying is that deep down, everybody is a gold-digger?? Economics change. If you are obsessed with money, you’re going to be riding a roller coaster.

4) Exciting? What does this even mean? Are you referring to sexuality? A crazy person could be exciting because you never know what they are going to do next, but you don’t want to marry them.


What people SHOULD want in a spouse

1) Self-care – someone who looks after their health, their financial situation, their mood, etc. They don’t have to be conventionally beautiful but they stay fit, eat healthy and have good hygiene, they don’t have to be rich but they live within their means while working to improve those means, they have to be able to manage their emotions

2) Thoughtfulness and consideration – someone who thinks of other people, is a giver instead of a taker, balances priorities, doesn’t behave like they are the centre of the universe, is not after instant gratification

3) Open-minded – someone who is willing to try new things, adaptable to adversity, willing to analyze when they make mistakes and make changes, admits when they are wrong and makes amends

4) Reliable – has integrity, keeps their word, works hard, honourable, a sense of fairness, isn’t a doormat, doesn’t take on too much, cooperative


Problem is, these are all about a person's character. Something often very challenging for young people to be discerning about, especially if they haven't got much of it themselves.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What women want: something other than what she currently has.

What men want: sex, food, peace


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...



I think the opposite - those are the things that it has to hit while courting.

But! None of those things are what makes the marriage work.

Which is why the divorce & separation rate is much higher than 50%

Courting is about being shiny, and saleable to your partner. you are both new, with much unshared stories and interests. and the expectations of a stranger are low.
In a marriage, you are together a lot, you need to have common goals or you go apart, you both have to contribute and make sacrifices, and there is no timeout space. You also often have to make room for third parties (children). In the shared space if you aren't contributing then the other person has too - they can't just ignore the matter, else one gives too much and the other not enough, especially if one person has no talent in that area (eg no childrearing/child entertaining skills, or poor communicators, or poor budgeters, or tires easily)


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Most men and women want someone they respect and actually like. Doesn't always work out that way though.


----------



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Vega,

Completely agree with you. If there is true love, nothing else matters. I am being practical here and I think many people hook up and get married through a process of checking boxes and being ok with things. Whether we like it or not, there are societal and biological pressures that pressure people to marry by a certain age, have kids by a certain age, etc. etc. 

I admire you for not giving up and settling.


----------



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> I think the opposite - those are the things that it has to hit while courting.
> 
> But! None of those things are what makes the marriage work.
> 
> ...


Right on, Spotthedog. This is what was going through my mind when I wrote the post. I think we are saying the same thing.


----------



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> This whole thread I was mentally composing a similar rant, @Vega!
> 
> I didn’t know if I was misreading the poster, but now I know I'm not. He's way off base, only talking about surface qualities, and things that are changeable!
> 
> ...



Ideally, it should be this way. Is it always/mostly/almost never this way in reality?


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

dedad said:


> Vega,
> 
> Completely agree with you. If there is true love, nothing else matters. I am being practical here and I think many people hook up and get married through a process of checking boxes and being ok with things. Whether we like it or not, there are societal and biological pressures that pressure people to marry by a certain age, have kids by a certain age, etc. etc.
> 
> I admire you for not giving up and settling.


The question though, is true love enough? I mean it may be for most, but I would think that two people could have enough fundamental differences that even though they may have true love it is hard to overcome those differences.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...


Personally I need a lot more than these 4 listed.. Just break out His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  - go down that list.. and yep.. I need a measure of ALL OF THEM (well except Domestic support -that's what I bring).. and not necessarily in this order.. 

These are the Core Emotional Needs addressed ...

1. *Admiration*
2. *Affection*
3. *Conversation*
4. *Domestic support*
5. *Family commitment*
6.* Financial support*
7. *Honesty and openness*
8. *Physical attractiveness*
9. *Recreational companionship*
10. *Sexual fulfillment*

A tall order... maybe .. though when we enjoy being "entangled" with someone we love.. these things are not a burden.. but more a Joy ...a few of them I have grown better at over the years.. I fully get it now.. and when you give.. much comes back to you.. or it should ..


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Of course things like "attraction" and certainly "excitement" is very much in the eye of the beholder. And people and interests vary over time. So what you really need for a lasting marriage is the maturity in both parties to recognize and accept both those facts and that no spouse is going to forever and always hit on all cylinders of attraction or answer all your needs. 

Also something I constantly note is that not only to do interests and preferences change over time but a large portion of the population perpetually want what they don't have. Something that initially attracts will often eventually repel. How many people think they want something only to find out they don't actually like it?


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> The question though, is true love enough? I mean it may be for most, but I would think that two people could have enough fundamental differences that even though they may have true love it is hard to overcome those differences.


I think true love evolves over time. It isn't just a "feeling" the way so many of us think of as "love". 

Since true love takes time, I would think that during that time you would learn that your potential partner has too many differences for a marriage to work. 

So, it wouldn't be true love after all.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

1. Agree with
2. I'll disagree. Not all families embrace their own family members. Could you imagine living off the idea, that if one wasn't accepting of your person that it won't work? That's going to be one lonely person. A supportive family member or true friend will support your decision to love whomever makes you happy. 
3. I've met plenty of men that I would've been miserable with and been financially secure. Nice things are nice but you can't buy internal happiness. 
4. Agree. 


I think communication is key. If something is bothering one or the other, talk about it and don't ignore it. I believe in making time for your spouse, outside of work and kids. If you're lacking affection and intimacy rekindle that back into your marriage before seeking it elsewhere. Be stimulated not just by touch but by your partners mind. Continue to learn about your spouse and grown with one another. 

I think divorce rates are high for many possible reasonings. Some just want to get married, tend to marry for the wrong reasons and end up with the wrong one. Some marry because that person makes them happy, have yet to find real happiness within their self first. Can you imagine once your person lets you down? And if they are your sole source of happiness? Some overlook the flaws and red flags in the beginning, think marriage will change their person. You can't gain a successful ongoing marriage without having essential needs met before saying I do.


----------



## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...


I think when a man no longer views his wife as attractive he falls out of love with her.


----------



## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

dedad said:


> I was thinking (I don't know why I was thinking). After 18 years of Marriage, it sort of hit me. In the course of courtship and the many phases of marriage, a spouse has to satisfy a lot of different requirements, to scathe through:
> 
> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> ...


Going to put on my "over simplifying misogynist" hat for a moment and say that needs between men and women are LIGHT YEARS apart. I touched on this in my very first post:

Relationship Needs

The woman's needs are fluid and ever-changing.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*1. There has to be some element of mutual physical attraction. That is paramount!

2. I simply relish intelligence ~ not exactly into bimbos, so to speak. And I hope that she's not into louts!

3. Must have a sense of morality, religiousity, empathy, for both the young and elderly, and a genuine conscience and a love for God!

4. To hell with money! We can earn, balance, and account for that together as a team remembering the age-old adage that "money does not buy happiness!"

5. Someone who is not afraid of expressing true love, is flirtaceous and is fun to be with, and has absolutely no sexual equivocations toward their spouse!

6. Someone who is not a "control-freak," who wants to see each other prosper and grow, both as individuals and more importantly as a dedicated team and family co-leaders!

7. Honesty and forthrightness! With no hidden financial or social agendas!

*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

What I married for almost 50 years ago...

Intelligence

Character

Honesty

SEX ....SEX like you thought only existed in books....Mind blowing, toe curling, passing out, spontaneous orgasming freely given, and totally appreciated SEX....It's hard to be angry with someone like that...


----------



## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

> 1. Looks/style attractive to you (pushes the right buttons)(This is the starting point)
> 2. Is embraced by friends' circle and family? (someone you can show off)
> 3. Right economic category to provide the things that you want
> 4. Exciting/interesting - keeps the fire alive


1. Sure I need to be attracted to her
2. Couldn't care less what my friends or family think
3. Don't care I make my own money
4. I would replace this with treats me with respect


----------

