# follow up for a thread (abusive relationships, or maybe something like that, and overall disaster in the life) //stealth transgender girl



## redHairs (6 mo ago)

divorce: Is it inevitably? /transgender girl/


Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice. As far as I see, it's very...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com




Nothing changed since that. But also I lost a work because of a related stress


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

@*Garama *


> I can still say that no matter what i don't have hatred for transgender people, and i think that you don't have to be stealth or at least you shouldn't be shy yourself


Previous thread shown, that in 2022 and, I think, 2023, stealth is necessary. A lot of people hated me there. Also, I just personally don't used to be a queer person. I never had a dream to be a "transgender woman" - opposite, I hated it.
Before my transition, I wanted to be just a girl. So, I'm lucky to passing as female, and don't understand why should I share that bad stuff about me (or even be proud of). If you mean, I have an obligation with a society to try to change it, improve it, I already had a volonteering experience. Mostly related to not trans-issues, and after transition & immigration, when I pretended I'm just a girl. But also I have set of accounts/nicknames, not connected to my social networks, where I did some t-volonteering: I mean, I supported people. Tried to prevent suicides, bought them food or hormonal pills. But I did it for online community in my home country. Because here, after immigration, I see, these problems (exluding a society hate of an open trans people, and rising a crime against open lgbt) are not so actual. Usually people here have money for hormones and food. And access to a professional help to prevent their suicides.
So, I don't see any reasons why I should be open. I mean a moral obligation. I even had a case, when I were in the chat with other t-girls from my home country, and one of them met with me in real life, and 2 other saw my photos/videos, they started to discuss am I look like one of Netflix actress or not. And one of SJW/queer activists saw this discussion, and she said, people like me should be outed by force, in order to trans could be not freaks.
Well, maybe it's a valid argument, ruin way of your life - there is not undone coming out - in order to proof a society that we can be like other people. But it no longer works in my case: I'm in abusive relationships. My husband yerstaday used knife to make a scratch on my computer screen, also, I have again scratches in my right arm after his punch. And, as I said above, I've lost a work. Not a good example anymore, yes? I even no longer to contact to my old friends trans-girls in the community from my home country. To not ruin their dreams that it's possible to do transition, passing, change gender marker, pretend you're cis/be in the stealth, get education, good work, and married. And pretend you're not that thing.
If you think, I'm wrong, and I *should* do a public comming out, please explain why. I don't understand how it could help me instead of finally drowning and lost last remains of self-confidence, and regarding a society help, I think, I already did something for it. Not only volonteering, also I paid taxes. Even after immigration I had income above median. I think, I can expect from a society that it could help me. I'm not going to do comming out. And really don't like (sorry) all far-left and far-right extremists. I don't know what happened with a society, and is it possible to return back my 2012, when everybody were a centrist.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Overall, I'm dried out to do any changes in my life.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

*@RandomDude*


> I see what you mean. I guess you don't have that much in common with them it is true.
> 
> As for your friends - if they are your friends they should be happy to help you get out of an abusive situation. However I can see the issues with coming out. How long have you known them? How close are you to them?
> 
> Right now I am unsure even how to help with the domestic situation though, regardless of trans issues, because I'm learning recently that laws, court orders, behaviour bonds do not protect many victims from harm. But that's for later, support network first, and I want to know about your current four friends.


Ah, and other changes: I've lost my local friends. They started to suppose that something is wrong with my husband, and I worried if they report him to police. And started to ghost their invitations to hang out, or even their texts. One girl send me last message 3 month ago. I think, they forget about my existence. Only my fault.
So, right now I have only online friends. And I've dropped two of them because they tried to find my address to report my husband to police. It terrified me, because one of them knew that I'm trans (and I have a strict rule, that trans people should never know my address and second name. Because biggest part of force outing, according to statistical data, happen among LGBT members. I used to apply same rule to cis who know about me. Excluding medical personal).

I'm sorry, I failed everything. Sorry to not answered in that thread - I drained out after discussion with a conservative users. I hope, it not happen again. And I hope, It not happen with far-left users too


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

I'm going to focus in finding new work, and going to get new real life friends. But I don't understand how to avoid reporting to police my husband. I think, I could try to lie them and say "we're about to divorce, it's reason why I don't want to tell you a lot about him". Is it sound not weird? I think, I could not survive without local friends. But I can't accept situation if he could be reported to police by some of them. We had a lot of good things together. In worst case scenario, I could push a divorce and he will return to his home country like he wants.
I'm worry if I'll be able to not die alone if we divorce. Especially in 2023, when so many people hate trans people because of sport, etc society issues. Maybe it's still possible to restore our relationships? He not always were like today  It happened recently


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

@As'laDain


> therapist


Really need that one for now. But because I've lost a work, no longer have an insurance coverage. Do you know, how to find a proper therapist in this way? I think, it's impossible, right? Also, I found a lot of therapists don't follow science in their approach. They're mystically tuned or used to practice Freudianism. I were difficult to find therapist in the previous time when I worked with my PTSD after rape attempt ~8 years ago(I wrote in previous thread, it happened after transition in home country, I escaped, and I still feel that my husband did a lot for me, because he accepted when I woke up in the night with screaming, etc. Untill CBT therapy helped me).



> lets say a major concern of yours is that you are afraid of dating because you are afraid of getting killed for being trans...


I don't know. Also it were always a pain to feel chemestry, be really interesting with this person, make a comming out, and be rejected. Or, if disclose before first date, it always were guys... Who looks like exotic sex toy, who wanted to date after a disclose. In all my three relationships I've made a coming out after a time. When they used to understand that I'm person and act as female, etc - after we establish an emotional contact in 2-3 dates. And accept it (usually not) after a comming out.
Don't want to go through it again. Also, I'm not sure if I ever find somebody so good as my husband were 6 or even couple of years ago. I think, I still love his former personality.


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## Mommyto2 (10 d ago)

Have you and your husband fully dirorced yet or are you still living together? If your still living with him you need to go. It doesn't sound like a good environment to be in. Your old friends if you were to contact them and explain what has been going on in your life would understand. I can promise you that and you would have a safe place to go. You still seem a bit confused about who you are but you should always be real about it. If a person is interested then it will happen, but I wouldn't pretend to be someone I'm not because in the end your only hurting yourself and own feelings when rejection comes. Being in a community with people like yourself will help you find the relationship that you really want. As for family that is going to be a bit hard especially if family is very into their religion. Most religions frown upon your lifestyle decision and it will take quite a bit to get them to accept you. You may have to sever relationships and people may come around in the end. The only way to find out is to come out. Start with the person that you think would be the least harsh and more understanding. Then move forword from there in baby steps. Right now I would just find a safe place to be, start to clear your mind, focus on yourself for right now, and take steps towards a goal. One day at a time it will all come together.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Thanks for an answer,



Mommyto2 said:


> Have you and your husband fully dirorced yet or are you still living together?


We're still together. And still trying to fix these problems with relationships. And last week he never mentioned anything related to politics, but I did it. And our last conflict happened because I did it.
Well, I know what everybody could say - it's not excuse him from beating me, or from scratching my computer monitor. But we have joint account/common budget, and in terms of money, he scrached not only my monitor, but also his own. But it's far from a last thing which he broken. After my last post he broken one VR device - in the past we played together in the space-sim game (Elite Dangerous) - like I flight in the cargo ship and he protected me in the combat one. We not played in it often, maybe only 40 hours summary, but it were good memories. And this thing is about 1000 dollars. I were really sad about of it. In terms of monitor, I've ordered an abrasive thing to try to polish it.
I could probably ask him to buy another monitor, but not sure if it's a good idea. We have a lot of expanses, we have a possible divorse, and I not work.



Mommyto2 said:


> our old friends if you were to contact them and explain what has been going on in your life would understand


Well, they will report him to police than. Also, friendship is about trust. And I lied them. Even fact, that I not disclose transition is kinda of lie. Honestly, these friendship were not deep. Because I'm immigrant. I feel bad to lost real life friends. Don't feel bad about these friends. I felt really bad when I lost my best friend in home country (she were normal, and than she got schizophrenia like her father. And pills not helped her. For her father pills works). Also, it could be an emotional disaster for me if I divorce finally.



> Right now I would just find a safe place


well, I don't have money. I lost a work because of stress etc. I depend from him. Also, in my dreams we just restore what we had in the past. I don't want to betray this. Even if I switch on all my rationality, I could not grantee 100% that he could not return back to his habits.
I could not manage to send him to doctor. But it always were this way - he used to be afraid of doctors, and even understand it's stupid. I drained out and were not persistent, like I were in past to send him to doctor.
Also, about our yesterday conflict, I feel it were somehow my fault. I raised the political topic. Because... He is not interesting anything else, and I want to exchange emotions. My brain learned, that for my husband, after he changed, it's only topic which is interesting for him.
I not sure about brain tumor(it were a discussion about it in the previous thread), etc, maybe he has kinda of depression/burning out? Or maybe these conservative videos in youtube make him this?



> Start with the person that you think would be


Because of my age, I think, my chances could be not perfect even if could be a biological girl. People said I looks like I'm 28-30. But not sure if it's true. Usually people lie when ask things like this.

UPDATE: also, I think, if we divorce, he wants to return back to our home country. Despite there are no office of his FAANG employer and possible world recession. I think, I could stay in same apartment. Not sure, but, how to pay bills than. I think, at first I need to find new work. And his last attack could not happen if I not came with political topic myself.
I don't have savings. I think, if we divorce, he could give me 2-3 thousand dollars or so, because we have expanses, like help his relatives. As well as my mom too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redHairs said:


> @*Garama *
> 
> Previous thread shown, that in 2022 and, I think, 2023, stealth is necessary. A lot of people hated me there. Also, I just personally don't used to be a queer person. I never had a dream to be a "transgender woman" - opposite, I hated it.
> Before my transition, I wanted to be just a girl. So, I'm lucky to passing as female, and don't understand why should I share that bad stuff about me (or even be proud of). If you mean, I have an obligation with a society to try to change it, improve it, I already had a volonteering experience. Mostly related to not trans-issues, and after transition & immigration, when I pretended I'm just a girl. But also I have set of accounts/nicknames, not connected to my social networks, where I did some t-volonteering: I mean, I supported people. Tried to prevent suicides, bought them food or hormonal pills. But I did it for online community in my home country. Because here, after immigration, I see, these problems (exluding a society hate of an open trans people, and rising a crime against open lgbt) are not so actual. Usually people here have money for hormones and food. And access to a professional help to prevent their suicides.
> ...


Well you need to get out of your abusive relationship so that you are living your best life. I see you feel a lot of pressure to try to be a role model to other trans people. Trans is a hard road. Today in the United States because of all the things going on in the schools with young people it has become highly politicized where it used to not be so there is a lot of hostility out there.

I don't know how it is where you are. But I would just say you move at your own pace and stay in your comfort zone for as long as you want to. Don't feel an obligation to be any certain way. The whole point to me of lgbtq is to have the freedom to just be yourself and if that means not coming out to everyone well that certainly doesn't make you unique. You do what you think is best and what's most comfortable for you. You don't have an obligation to try to change the world. You're already doing good work in your community. 

But don't stay in any abusive relationship. I've had to say this to more than one of my lgbtq friends over the years. No relationship is better than a bad one. I realize you have the drive to try to live this life and experience the things you dreamed of but I know you didn't dream of being abused so don't sacrifice everything just to be in a relationship. I know that it's harder to find a relationship when you are in a smaller niche. But don't let that make you desperate enough to put yourself in a miserable situation.

I've lived by a couple of rules in my life that haven't failed me. One is to do what I want to do as much of the time as possible. The other is don't do anything that you would be horrified for people you know to find out. And in today's social media world that is an impending possibility where it really wasn't when I was young. So it's even more important today. Those two things could keep you from having a lot of regrets.

Good luck.


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## Mommyto2 (10 d ago)

I personally think you are making a mistake by staying with this man. No kind of abuse is good period. You have to learn to be dependent on yourself. I'm currently learning how to do that after 12 years myself. Its not easy at all trust me, but it is possible. Working would really help your thoughts as well. I know it does mind it keeps me focused on what I have to do rather than sitting home to think. I am to assume that you have your U.S. Citizenship as you mentioned work. Do you guys own a house together? If so there is money to be made there if you let him go back to your country. You need to be you though and the way he is treating you doesn't seem like a person that loves you and wants the best for you. This I wouldn't waste my time on fixing it is way to deep. Its mentally getting to you because you are starting to believe that EVERYTHING he does to you is your fault and that isn't the truth. You guys have no kids which is good so you'd never have to have any contact with each other again. I would really think hard about your happiness and to me this man doesn't seem to fit into your story.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Why would you stay and be a punching bag for your husband ? That's squarely on you !


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> . I see you feel a lot of pressure to try to be a role model to other trans people. Trans is a hard road. Today in the United States because of all the things going on in the schools with young people it has become highly politicized where it used to not be so there is a lot of hostility out there.


Yes. And I don't want to disclose. Usually even for friends. At least until it's really deep friendship and I'm sure this person could keep secrets.



DownByTheRiver said:


> The whole point to me of lgbtq is to have the freedom to just be yourself


I not used to be a queer person. I feel better if I'm a part of mainstream culture. When I were a teen, I read a lot of love stories, and it were not stories about queer people. Even online support group, which I maintained couple of years ago, because of pandemic and a lot unexpected time, were focused in the integration stuff.
But it doesn't mean that I somehow gay/lesbi/bi/etc phobic. Just like a different, classical lifestyle. Also, I usually tend to avoid thoughts that I can't bear. And we don't speak about it with my husband too.



DownByTheRiver said:


> stay in your comfort zone for as long as you want to


Well, I'm in the comfort zone now lol. Do any big changes - well, it's too big step 




Mommyto2 said:


> I'm currently learning how to do that after 12 years myself.


I'm sorry about it  If you want to cry somebody about it, my PM


Spoiler



as well as VC in discord


 is always open


Spoiler



, and no obligation to provide an emotional support to me - for people in hard time it could be difficult to have so many depressing things around of them


I terminated my first relationships, because my first BF were alcohol addicted and when he was drunk, he became agressive and tried to use knife against me. I escaped in the bathroom. It were first and last time, I broke up after it. And... In that time I looks like much better than now. I were ~25 years old or around. And had stable work when I were promoted - it were not so difficult decision. Well, it were still difficult decision. But we're still friends.
My second BF ended our relationships - we not lived together, but he bought me train/plane tickets for every weekend to his city. Also we once had a vacation together. He had album in his facebook, he called it "archive". And there were a lot of photos with him and other girls, like selfies etc. Once in work time, in office, when I scrolled social networks instead of work, I found his selfies with another girl, also red haired. I've checked his page, and found all my photos in the "archive folder". I felt really bad after it, because loved him. Well, if somebody asked me could he be forever together, I could say "no". But understand and face with a situation is different.
My friends helped me during that time. Like we went together in night clubs, etc. I no longer have so good friends  Also, I no longer look same good as in this time



Mommyto2 said:


> Do you guys own a house together? If so there is money to be made there if you let him go back to your country.


No. We're renting. And no savings. It were a lot of not-rational decisions in our life. Also, we spent a lot of money to support our relatives. Like my mom's cancer.



Mommyto2 said:


> as you mentioned work.


I don't have problems with a legal status. Can legally be employed without an additional paper work, yes.



> Why would you stay and be a punching bag for your husband ? That's squarely on you !


Well, it's complicated. I know, I'm stupid. But he not always were like this. He was like different person even in the first year of a pandemic. Maybe it changed him so much. Or maybe lockdowns, or maybe he has brain tumor or something like this. If I were not drined out, I could probably came to him everyday when he had a good mood and remained him to go to the doctor, like I did it in the past.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Mommyto2 said:


> making a mistake by staying


Can't fix it. I have nobody else so close. Feel like we're part of something bigger. Maybe I tend to think about him a year ago, not his today version, or just dream that he can change back.
And because I can't fix it, It could be challenging to find new local, not online friends. Online friends can only advise to report to police. But real life could do this.
I'm crying now


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## Mommyto2 (10 d ago)

Straight out ask yourself if this is the man you see yourself with for the rest of your life? Abuse of any kind is not tolorable period. You cannot change someone who isn't willing to change. Seems as if he can be a bit controling as well not letting you have friends. Thats not good either I'm learning that the hard way. You need friends they will be the ones to pick you up, help you out, and point you in the right direction. Just because of how you identify doesnt mean you cannot have meaningful relationships with people outside of the community. Not all are judgemental of gender and how you identify its when you are truly trusting enough of them then tell them. I have friends and family that identify as being gay and I don't see them any differently. I still love them the same as if I did not know.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Mommyto2 said:


> Straight out ask yourself if this is the man you see yourself with for the rest of your life?


Yes. But not his modern version.



Mommyto2 said:


> You cannot change someone who isn't willing to change.


Exactly. But probably person can change back?



Mommyto2 said:


> Seems as if he can be a bit controling as well not letting you have friends


No. He is not doing this. I just myself ghosted my local friends, because one my friend saw a bruise on my forearm. She started to ask questions. And it's difficult to lie. Especially difficult to lie and not start to cry. And if tell friends, then they could report him to police.



Mommyto2 said:


> You need friends


Yes, I'm going to find new local & other online friends




Mommyto2 said:


> you cannot have meaningful relationships with people outside


I can, nobody against it (in theory), but it decreases my chances. Age, fact that I can't bear, this bad thing in my biography, as well as some requirements, could drop my chances to something... About zero?


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Mommyto2 said:


> cause of how you identify


Never understood this zoomer's thing )) I mean identification. I transitioned, because I had a gender dysphoria. It were a choice between committing to suicide and transitioning. And I identify as female, because I look like female, act like female, because if I identify myself a different way, it could be weird for other people. Also, if I have not a female gender expression, I will have again a gender dysphoria. I think, this identify thing is a bit weird. Or, at least, it basing in the biological traits and not actually a choice.

I'm ok, by the way with identification things. And OK if somebody transitioning because want to identify this way, because their body their choice. But I think, it's weird. And probably a mistake, to do it without gender dysphoria. And most likely leeds to detransition.



Mommyto2 said:


> I have friends and family that identify as being gay


I think, being gay is also not an identification question. It's probably a biology too. Well, as result of biology person can decide to identify this way for a society. But from my perspective his sexual orientation (biology thing) comes here first.



Mommyto2 said:


> I still love them the same as if I did not know.


This is very good


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

redHairs said:


> *@RandomDude*
> 
> 
> Ah, and other changes: I've lost my local friends. They started to suppose that something is wrong with my husband, and I worried if they report him to police. And started to ghost their invitations to hang out, or even their texts. One girl send me last message 3 month ago. I think, they forget about my existence. Only my fault.
> ...


The world has failed then. * sigh *
This is what I see: Vulnerable, alone in a war zone and can be run over at any given moment by either side.












redHairs said:


> Exactly. But probably person can change back?


Not like this. Not when he holds this much power over you and has no motivation or need to change.

You will need to empower yourself, baby steps. Which I see you are already doing with work/friends.

As for friends, I keep all my friends at arms reach anyway, they are fun, friendly, nothing wrong with them, but I just don't give them any power over me.
All the real personal stuff? I confide to a bunch of online strangers instead. But yes, be very careful with your personal details.


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