# Advice wanted please



## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

I just don’t understand why my husband is acting like he is, it is totally out of character for him. Sorry for the long post.

I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for just over 2. Last July I found out that he’d kissed someone else. I asked him if it had gone past that and he said it hadn’t, it was just a kiss. He is a building surveyor and he’d met her while doing a project at her place of work earlier in the year. He told me he’d gotten to know her and she’d shown an interest in him and they started talking. He told her about all the problems in our marriage that he felt we had (although these were not brought to my attention prior to him telling her the issues). When I found out in July, we briefly discussed some of the issues he was unhappy with and I felt like we were dealing with them. In August I asked him how he thought things were going and he said he felt things were going well between us so I had no cause to believe otherwise. We went away at the end of August on our anniversary and had a good time, or so I thought. In the first week of September, he was acting strangely and I could tell something was getting to him. Eventually he admitted he had lied to me and that he’d slept with her several times. He said he didn’t love her and that she’d made him feel good and actually wanted to spend time with him whereas I apparently didn’t. I find out that she is only 19 (we are both 34) and I don’t understand what the hell he is playing at. It knocked me for six especially when he turned nasty and said it was because ‘of the state of me’ that he’d cheated on me. I admit I have put on a bit of weight since we first got together but that does not justify, at least in my mind, a reason to go outside the marriage. I got upset at this stage and we didn’t talk for a few days. He confided in his parents that he’d betrayed me and they told me he was remorseful and cried etc but would not apologise to me, and still has not actually said the words ‘I’m sorry.’

We were still living together and he barely spoke to me or discussed any of the issues and what we were going to do to resolve the situation. He said he didn’t know what he wanted to do and was very unsure of himself. I wanted to work things out but he just said he didn’t know. He said he would not contact her again but I found out that he just couldn’t not talk to her/text her. He said he liked talking to her and that she listened to him; I just wanted him to talk to me instead of her but he wouldn’t or couldn’t. He has never been much of a talker but I was glad when he said we would go to relate to see if that helped. I found out that he’d spoken to her a week before our anniversary to break off their contact but then got back into contact afterwards behind my back. I saw some of their conversations and she was pushing for him to leave me after she’d known him a few months! A few days before my birthday in October, I found out he had gone to meet her ‘for coffee’ to properly break up and he’d bought her an expensive pair of boots as he felt guilty for how he’d treated her! I couldn’t believe my ears when he said that she was a victim; it made me so angry. She knew he was married because she asked him outright and he admitted he was and so I do not believe she was a victim as she continued to get involved with him.

In the middle of October, I moved out as he wanted some space and his parents own the place we were staying in and we have barely been in contact. I tried to talk to him on several occasions and encouraged him to discuss our issues so we can both understand what went wrong and if we could find a way through it but he wouldn’t reply or just changed the subject. I gave him the space he wanted and he said we should take our time apart to focus on ourselves and to sort out our heads.

We went to one counselling session before Christmas and he always told me he would never shut the door on me and that we would continue going to relate to see where we ended up. In the new year we had another session booked but he messaged me last minute to say that he couldn’t attend as he was off work sick. I later found out from his mum that he didn’t feel comfortable with the counsellor and that’s why he didn’t want to go. Why didn’t he just tell me that?! 

A few days later I saw that he had added her on facebook and then deleted me and my family. I don’t know what their relationship is right now, but it seems very coincidental if nothing is going on between them. It just hurts so much that he refuses to talk to me about anything relating to our marriage or issues and goes behind my back and starts seeing her again as if he’s single. At this point we’d had no conversation about our relationship and I had made it very clear to him that I wanted to stay in the marriage. He was the one who wouldn’t say either way what he wanted and kept re-iterating that we should be sorting our own heads out.

A few weeks later I get an email from him in response to one I had sent to him asking him to talk to me and discuss what was going on. He said he wanted a divorce and that despite how it looked he hadn’t chosen her over me. It broke my heart. I don’t get how someone can leave an 8 year relationship just like that and jump to someone who he barely knows and is so much younger than him. He was willing to go to relate up until the new year and as soon as he’s back in contact with her, he doesn’t want to go anymore. How can he decide to end our marriage on a few weeks thinking, or at best a couple of months….he can’t be thinking straight.

His family don’t understand it either; he won’t talk to any of them about what’s going on in his head and he apparently avoids them. His parents have made it clear that he is not dealing with things properly but he is ignorant to what they say and continues as if what he is doing is acceptable. What kind of a future does he think he has with her? He’s willing to throw away our relationship and marriage on someone he has known for a few months, I just don’t get it. And it hurts an awful lot. Some of my friends tell me that he’s not worth it and that he’s made his choice but I can’t accept it. I have no closure on the situation and I can’t believe the couple of issues he brought up are the reason he wants a divorce (I don’t compromise enough when it comes to the films we watch or let him listen to his music in the car). They’re so petty, it doesn’t seem believable. We didn’t have the perfect marriage, we bickered at times and I’m sure I have plenty of annoying habits but so did he. We arent perfect but I acknowledge that and was willing to try and save our marriage. I really thought our vows were worth the try at salvaging our marriage but he just wants to hide and run away without discussing things like an adult. He said he loved me but couldnt be with me...what the hell does that mean? He wont explain anything and the few times I did manage to push him he comes up with trivial things as if he’s grabbing at straws for excuses. 

I am trying to move on and forget about him but the grief returns and I can’t believe my loving, affectionate husband has turned into a cold, distant stranger who has tossed me aside for her as if I meant nothing to him. He didnt want to keep any of our wedding things and is acting as if I dont exist. 

I know no one knows what is going on in his head but is it possible he is in what some people call the fog, or a midlife crisis of some sort? I just cant get my head around the fact that he can just move on so easily and jump from our marriage to her in such a short amount of time and without even seeing if we can work out our issues. He seems to want to rush into divorce and I can’t help but feel he is making a mistake not taking the time to think things through with a clear head and without her muddying the water. Some people have said I should initiate divorce proceedings but this is something I really dont want to do, at least not yet and some people have said I should give things a bit more time as it hasnt been that long really and he may realise what a fool he is being. I guess I am asking others what they did/ are doing and if their partners woke up to their behaviour before they get to the point of no return. I do love him and know that he is treating me badly but fool as I am, I just cant give up yet. 

Does anyone have any advice? Is there hope he will realise he's made a mistake and that she's not any better than me? Or am I just prolonging the pain by holding out for hope?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

When is the point of no return?

Only you can decide that.

In my opinion you are way past it. 

I can't understand why you would want him back when he has shown he loves her more than he loves you. 

My wife had an affair, but she never acted like she loved the guy, as far as I could find out. She begged me to forgive her. There was no affair fog.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Do you have children? If not, run like hell. Trust me in this...you will find much much better.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You cannot answer what is going on in his mind, because you cannot read his mind. However, he has told you he wants a divorce. Let him go. Get a couple of books about divorce in your state so that you know what your rights and responsibilities are, then file for divorce.

He clearly is not concerned about you. He is treating you badly. You don't need to be treated this way if you let go and move on. I recommend you focus on healing and rebuilding your life. It's going to hurt for a while no matter what you do, but if you divorce him and focus on healing and rebuilding your life, the pain will begin to disappear if you are no longer focused on him and on trying to figure out what's going on with him or on trying to solve the marriage problems. You cannot solve something that isn't your problem. You have been willing to deal with the issues and work on resolving them, but your husband has not. You can't make him take responsibility, but you can take responsibility for yourself and move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Devastated Wife


> Some of my friends tell me that he’s not worth it and that he’s made his choice but I can’t accept it.


First, do not play the pick me dance. Second, who the hell says it's your H choice???? Friend, this is all your choice to keep his cheating butt or send him packing. 

Contact a lawyer today! Have hour H served. Your stbxh will snap out of lala land very quickly when he is served.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Sweetheart, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. I'm afraid that the advice you're going to get on this board is not what you want to hear right now. But that's because everything that you've told us about your husband tells us what he is ... and what we want for you is to be happy and healthy. And that isn't with him.

He reveals himself to us in your words - the lies he told you (over and over again), this ridiculous choice of someone almost half his age, cutting off his family because he doesn't want to hear the truth about what he is doing ... and worst of all? Keeping you on a string - jerking you back in when his ego needs fuel. The newsflash here - when we truly care for someone, and when we respect them, we don't hurt them by choice. What he is choosing to do to you is cruel, disgusting and incredibly unfair. 

There is nothing that that you can do or say that will bring him back to you. He is the only one who can make that move. And it is very clear right now what his decision is. If he is not choosing you, then his choice is not you. Reconciliation is really, really hard - and that is with both parties trying their damndest. This is a losing battle. And you are fighting it alone.

Do I think he will bitterly regret walking away from you sometime in the future - yes, probably.
Do I hope that this young girl breaks his heart and tramples it (and his wallet) into the mud - yes, I do.(But I have some issues of my own to work out)
Do I hope with all my heart that by then, you won't care in the slightest - yes, absolutely.
Your better life is waiting for you - but you have to turn your back on this one to start with it.

Give up on contacting your husband. File for divorce. And definitely start individual counselling if you can - a different therapist. You need to get things clear in your own head. You deserve so much more than what he is and is doing.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

When you take someone for granted, only when you lose that person do you start to realize all that person means to you. He knows you are there in the wings just in case. This may or may not be conscious, but I think these types of things always matter to some degree.

He seems like a child. He can't stand up to her, and he can't stand up to you. He takes what I refer to as "the path of least resistance." He does not seem like a leader. And I am not blaming you, but asking you to consider about HIM and HIS characteristics - did he let you decide a lot of stuff and he followed? Where you live, the furniture, the cars, where you go on vacation, where you spend your time together, his clothes, his hair, etc. - think back, way back to when you first became monogamous with him earlier in your relationship - was you kind of the beneficent leader, and he was more than willing to follow your lead?

He seems extremely conflict and confrontation avoidant. It is difficult to determine sometimes because the affair is the type of behavior that a lot of people don't like. You probably don't like cheating. Very likely your husband doesn't like people who cheat (in general). Yet here he is, cheating. So how does he reconcile that? So was he that weak-willed of a person that he couldn't speak up when you chose what movie to see or what music you listened to in the car? Or is his hamster running furiouly in its wheel, trying to come up with reasons for cheating, something he definitely is NOT the type would do (hint: in the cheater's mind, it's rarely their fault - their partner must have done something to make them do these things they dislike)?

Affairs are based on feelings. An affair is an escape from reality. In some respects, not dissimilar to drugs or alcohol. Addictive. Full of feelings. Look at any argument, frequently you see people bring up feelings. Typicially, the feelings is self-based, very subjective, with little logic or objective evidence, facts, behind it.

Personally, what I see with your husband, he is trading one leader to another. Another benificent leader. Right now it is an escape, because with the new leader, he doesn't have to deal with the same level of mundanity as he would with you. He doesn't live with her yet. I think that is coming, and then I think he quickly will tire of the new leader. Based on the posts you've revealed here, they don't have much in common. She lets him listen to his music and watch the movies he wants. YAY. And she listens to him when he whines like a baby about his wife. But that is about to go away. Then what will he whine about? Ttake a guess, she's going to be 20 soon, and he'll likely be complaining about her to his soon-to-be or recent ex-wife?

Advice? I just watch the old movie "Dinner with Schmucks." Maybe you can train yourself for "mind control," or better yet, "brain control." Short of that, let him be. He is a 34-year-old man. He won't talk to his wife, just ignores her. He doesn't want to talk to his mommy and daddy, because they don't tell him he's right and he's special. Only the 19 understands him. Feelings. Don't try to use your tricky logic words on him. He wants what he wants.

It's OK if you want to wait and hope. When you've had enough, you will let go. But I don't think anyone here will be able to give you any secret words or actions that will change him. If they do, I'd like to hear that, too.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

About closure.

Often, there is no closure.

This is something hard to learn. 

I reconciled with my wife. But she was, is, not able to give me closure. She is mentally ill, and there are some things she simply cannot tell me. 

I had a choice. I could abandon her. Without closure. Or I could choose to reconcile with her... without closure. This was a journey I never would have dreamed I would make, or even dreamed was possible when I began.

Closure. In time I learned to stop being concerned with what had been.

I do wish you well. I know this is very hard, no matter where you turn.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Devastated wife said:


> I just don’t understand why my husband is acting like he is, it is totally out of character for him. Sorry for the long post.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for just over 2. Last July I found out that he’d kissed someone else. I asked him if it had gone past that and he said it hadn’t, it was just a kiss. He is a building surveyor and he’d met her while doing a project at her place of work earlier in the year. He told me he’d gotten to know her and she’d shown an interest in him and they started talking. He told her about all the problems in our marriage that he felt we had (although these were not brought to my attention prior to him telling her the issues). When I found out in July, we briefly discussed some of the issues he was unhappy with and I felt like we were dealing with them. In August I asked him how he thought things were going and he said he felt things were going well between us so I had no cause to believe otherwise. We went away at the end of August on our anniversary and had a good time, or so I thought. In the first week of September, he was acting strangely and I could tell something was getting to him. Eventually he admitted he had lied to me and that he’d slept with her several times. He said he didn’t love her and that she’d made him feel good and actually wanted to spend time with him whereas I apparently didn’t. I find out that she is only 19 (we are both 34) and I don’t understand what the hell he is playing at. It knocked me for six especially when he turned nasty and said it was because ‘of the state of me’ that he’d cheated on me. I admit I have put on a bit of weight since we first got together but that does not justify, at least in my mind, a reason to go outside the marriage. I got upset at this stage and we didn’t talk for a few days. He confided in his parents that he’d betrayed me and they told me he was remorseful and cried etc but would not apologise to me, and still has not actually said the words ‘I’m sorry.’
> 
> ...


First piece of advice is stop making excuses for your slime bag husband. Stuff like "it is totally out of character for him" is wrong. It is exactly in character for him. He just hid it well from you for a long time. If you don't have kids I would say you should defiantly get a divorce. This guy isn't worth keeping. If you do have kids...... give him the boot anyway. Don't Kowtow too him. This is actually working against you. It gives him a cozy feeling that he can always come back to you if things fall though with his ho. He needs to believe that you will be gone, no ifs, ands or buts. As for his reasons for wanting a divorce, you wrote "They’re so petty, it doesn’t seem believable."... and that's exactly right. They aren't believable. You're instincts don't lie. He's throwing you over for a younger woman. Good guys don't do that. A good guy wouldn't even have been talking to her one on one in the first place. You also wrote "he’d bought her an expensive pair of boots as he felt guilty for how he’d treated her! I couldn’t believe my ears".... Again your instincts are dead on. No decent husband would ever say such a thing to his wife about the ho he's been cheating with. Do yourself and favor and get rid of this bottom feeder.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

He's a cheater. Give him what he wants. Divorce him.
In the mean time, treat your next man like a man.
Do not tell him what kind of music to listen too.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Thank you for all your replies. Sorry it has been a while; I have been in denial about the break down of my marriage for a long time. I thought with a bit of time he would realise what he was about to lose, but like others have said, he didn't care. He proved this many times over but I was stuck in the 'what if' stage like a fool.

We will be divorced within the next month or so and it will be good to put all this behind me. It took a long time to not want to be with him any longer, and although a very small part of me would still like him back, I now believe that I deserve better. I don't want to be with someone who can act so callously and treat our vows like they're nothing. Why would I want someone who deliberately hurt me and continued to say and do things to make me question everything about myself. It's taken a lot of counselling and self healing to get myself to this point and I've just finished a couple of books about cheaters and chumps which made me laugh. It's like they follow a script; I could relate to a lot that my ex husband said to me, it's ridiculous.

I'm now at a place where I won't burst into tears at the mention of his name or if people ask how he is, but not sure if I would want to be in another relationship just yet. I guess the part that scares me is the trust thing. What if I can't trust another guy again and I drive both of us crazy looking for signs that may or may not be there?! How do you get past that after being cheated on and humiliated by the person who claimed to love you most? 

And I guess the other thing that I can't seem to get past is the anger that they seem to have gotten away with causing so much heartache. I'm the one who has lost friends over this and they seem to have waltzed off into the sunset without losing anything and are secure in the fact that no one (apart from his family) know how they got together. To her family and friends, they 'just met and fell in love' and because I was a nice person and didn't shout it from the rooftops, no one knows what he/they did and he can play the innocent single guy. How is that fair?


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> When is the point of no return?
> 
> Only you can decide that.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I know now that I was grasping at straws, trying to find anything to cling on to keeping him even though everyone was telling me I should just let him go and move on.

I'm sorry you went through this as well, it is definitely not something I would wish on anyone.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Do you have children? If not, run like hell. Trust me in this...you will find much much better.


Thank you for you messages, no we do not have children. And I am thankful for that small mercy.

I played the pick me dance, and it wasn't until I recently read a book that I realised what a fool I was for playing it. He beat me to the divorce proceedings but I'm glad that it's nearly all over now


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> You cannot answer what is going on in his mind, because you cannot read his mind. However, he has told you he wants a divorce. Let him go. Get a couple of books about divorce in your state so that you know what your rights and responsibilities are, then file for divorce.
> 
> He clearly is not concerned about you. He is treating you badly. You don't need to be treated this way if you let go and move on. I recommend you focus on healing and rebuilding your life. It's going to hurt for a while no matter what you do, but if you divorce him and focus on healing and rebuilding your life, the pain will begin to disappear if you are no longer focused on him and on trying to figure out what's going on with him or on trying to solve the marriage problems. You cannot solve something that isn't your problem. You have been willing to deal with the issues and work on resolving them, but your husband has not. You can't make him take responsibility, but you can take responsibility for yourself and move on.


Thanks CynthiaDe, I did read a couple of books, but not until recently. 

Today it is surprising how little I think about him. Obviously there are days when I do feel sad about the way things have ended up but I tried and there was only so much I could do on my own. Now I am feeling stronger every day and unlike before, I feel more positive with life and moving on.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I've never understood using "it was only a kiss" as mitigation/minimizing.

Sure, as kids we generally kiss long before sex, and think of it as only "first base" when PIV is the "home run." For middle schoolers, kissing can be the "training wheels" of physical contact.

But as adults? Unless we're talking about a purely platonic, Euro style peck on the cheek, kissing can be incredibly intimate. Face to face, lip to lip, eye to eye, tongue to tongue... this is not an act to be minimized or taken lightly. Even prostitutes who'll gladly bang you for a couple Benjamins will demand no kissing. That's just going too far! Lip to lip contact can be even more emotionally intense than genital to genital contact. In my opinion, sometimes "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything" while bull****, is actually more valid than "It was just a kiss. It didn't mean anything."

We need to get over this notion that romantic style kissing outside the marriage is nothing to be concerned about.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Mizzbak said:


> Sweetheart, I am so sorry that you find yourself here. I'm afraid that the advice you're going to get on this board is not what you want to hear right now. But that's because everything that you've told us about your husband tells us what he is ... and what we want for you is to be happy and healthy. And that isn't with him.
> 
> He reveals himself to us in your words - the lies he told you (over and over again), this ridiculous choice of someone almost half his age, cutting off his family because he doesn't want to hear the truth about what he is doing ... and worst of all? Keeping you on a string - jerking you back in when his ego needs fuel. The newsflash here - when we truly care for someone, and when we respect them, we don't hurt them by choice. What he is choosing to do to you is cruel, disgusting and incredibly unfair.
> 
> ...


Thank you Mizzbak for your kind words. It took a while to realise how foolish I was being and that he wasn't interested in making amends but I got there in the end! I do deserve better and I hope some day I find it


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> When you take someone for granted, only when you lose that person do you start to realize all that person means to you. He knows you are there in the wings just in case. This may or may not be conscious, but I think these types of things always matter to some degree.
> 
> He seems like a child. He can't stand up to her, and he can't stand up to you. He takes what I refer to as "the path of least resistance." He does not seem like a leader. And I am not blaming you, but asking you to consider about HIM and HIS characteristics - did he let you decide a lot of stuff and he followed? Where you live, the furniture, the cars, where you go on vacation, where you spend your time together, his clothes, his hair, etc. - think back, way back to when you first became monogamous with him earlier in your relationship - was you kind of the beneficent leader, and he was more than willing to follow your lead?
> 
> ...


Thanks Outof Retirement for your reply. You said a lot of spot on things; he is very conflict avoidant. He never had problem speaking up when he didn't want to watch a certain movie and we had pretty similar tastes (he even said to the counsellor that our movie tastes were pretty close hence why I don't understand why he brought that issue up in the first place unless he was just grabbing excuses out of the air!) 

You are true that he traded a leader for another. I never intentionally became the leader, I just had to step up because he was more a follower. He liked to pretend he was a macho guy but would never be the one to ask for directions or help for example if we needed it, that was something I had to do if I didn't want us stuck in the middle of nowhere all night!


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Thanks Rhubarb for your reply. His character was hidden for a very long time, I understand that now. I just didn't want to believe that he could do something like that. But I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as his father is a serial cheater and his mother took him back several times. The only difference is his father wanted to stay with his mother, my ex husband didn't want to stay with me.

Our divorce will be final soon and (thankfully) we don't have kids so we won't have any ties together.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Devastated wife said:


> Thank you for all your replies. Sorry it has been a while; I have been in denial about the break down of my marriage for a long time. I thought with a bit of time he would realise what he was about to lose, but like others have said, he didn't care. He proved this many times over but I was stuck in the 'what if' stage like a fool.
> 
> We will be divorced within the next month or so and it will be good to put all this behind me. It took a long time to not want to be with him any longer, and although a very small part of me would still like him back, I now believe that I deserve better. I don't want to be with someone who can act so callously and treat our vows like they're nothing. Why would I want someone who deliberately hurt me and continued to say and do things to make me question everything about myself. It's taken a lot of counselling and self healing to get myself to this point and I've just finished a couple of books about cheaters and chumps which made me laugh. It's like they follow a script; I could relate to a lot that my ex husband said to me, it's ridiculous.
> 
> ...



Hear you on that one. We seem to unfortunately have a lot in common but are coming to the same conclusions that will push us forward. I had multiple D-Days with my EW, started in 2009 and rekindled in 2017, same guy. Even with me wanted to work on things and give it all we had towards reconciliation, she bailed after a few weeks of me discovering the tip of the iceberg in June of last year. She was remorseful and sorry at first but that quickly turned into her not being sure of the marriage (after 17 years together) but it wasn't him, it was she wasn't happy the whole time and the excuses and the reasoning just got deeper and deeper as time went on ... all pointing to that we weren't right for each other, not compatible, I didn't know how to love or handle her. Found out she never quit affair after I found out in June and they just feel deeper in 'love' as time went on. I got her family involved, busted it up with OM's wife but it was only temporary, they kept finding new ways of getting together and his wife kept taking him back so it all works out for them I guess.

It sucks because even with my efforts and willing to forgive, she said no thanks and Divorce took place from January-early this month for finalization. I realize I should have stuck up for myself much more but to what it would have mattered, who knows. The end result would have most likely been the same sooner or later as she gave her all to the OM, even though she could only see him during the day and he goes home to his wife at night and on the weekends. Sucks 17/18 years went down the drain but I am slowly rising from the ashes. You will rise faster than I. What is holding me back a bit from a stinging standpoint is my ultimate happiness comes from a total family and my kids have been affected by this, especially my 7 year old D. 

The reason I replied to this particular post was because it hit home on 2 fronts. My willingness to forgive but her obsession for OM being more important than our marriage and her convincing herself, even if she couldn't have OM, I wasn't right for her. And the other thing, there being total coldness, no remorse, not doubts. Just happiness on her end, she got all she wanted and all she was prepared to lose, she didn't to give up hardly anything (in the present anyway). Her grandma told her she was going to lose her family, her church, her friends, etc. Well, at this moment, only thing she lost is what she thought she no longer wanted and that was me. She has all the rest, even those that know have just sort of wanted to move on.

So the only thing we can do, is move on ourselves and make the best us we possibly can and it's still very possible. We can use the betrayal and abandonment as fuel to fire us, until it doesn't hurt that much anymore and we can ride on the fuel of our accomplishments and new happiness. Even though it may not come nearly as soon as we would like, the people that abandoned us will eventually face their destruction, when they have to look in the mirror and see something completely different than the clouded version they see now. Our job is not to wait for the moment but to distance ourselves from caring ... so that when it does happen, it won't even be on our minds.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry for your loss and hopeful for a much happier future without him. True (at least in the short run) cheaters seem to walk away 'free' into the sunshine. In reality most relationships between cheaters will fail. I also observe that they ultimately lead pretty miserable lives. Your best revenge is to lead your best life ... be happy every day, be brave and love again. You didn't trust or love too much .... you just picked a flawed individual.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

OP, just so you know. 

Some of the anger is because you did not expose. There are a lot of reasons to expose, one of them is so that SOMEBODY knows what a liar and cheat he is. 

But you chose not to, for your own reasons. But no doubt you understand things better now. 

Just be happy you got out... Life will be better...


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Dear Devastated, I'm glad you have found your way through this. It may not seem like it, but you are way better off without that bum. Given time, I'm sure you'll find someone who deserves you.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Hear you on that one. We seem to unfortunately have a lot in common but are coming to the same conclusions that will push us forward. I had multiple D-Days with my EW, started in 2009 and rekindled in 2017, same guy. Even with me wanted to work on things and give it all we had towards reconciliation, she bailed after a few weeks of me discovering the tip of the iceberg in June of last year. She was remorseful and sorry at first but that quickly turned into her not being sure of the marriage (after 17 years together) but it wasn't him, it was she wasn't happy the whole time and the excuses and the reasoning just got deeper and deeper as time went on ... all pointing to that we weren't right for each other, not compatible, I didn't know how to love or handle her. Found out she never quit affair after I found out in June and they just feel deeper in 'love' as time went on. I got her family involved, busted it up with OM's wife but it was only temporary, they kept finding new ways of getting together and his wife kept taking him back so it all works out for them I guess.
> 
> It sucks because even with my efforts and willing to forgive, she said no thanks and Divorce took place from January-early this month for finalization. I realize I should have stuck up for myself much more but to what it would have mattered, who knows. The end result would have most likely been the same sooner or later as she gave her all to the OM, even though she could only see him during the day and he goes home to his wife at night and on the weekends. Sucks 17/18 years went down the drain but I am slowly rising from the ashes. You will rise faster than I. What is holding me back a bit from a stinging standpoint is my ultimate happiness comes from a total family and my kids have been affected by this, especially my 7 year old D.
> 
> ...


Thank you stillfightingforus. I am so sorry for what you have been and are still going through. It is heartbreaking to hear that so many people go through this difficult time and very frustrating given that all this hurt, anger and humiliation could have been averted if they had just been honest and brave enough to leave the relationship with decency. 17 years is a long time and it is sad that your ex wife came up with all those 'excuses' of why you weren't good for each other instead of taking a good long look at herself and your marriage without having the OM waiting in the wings. I think my ex husband did the same thing; came up with lame excuses and the usual line of 'I need time to think' to keep me in the picture for longer while the OW waited in the background. My ex said he was 'willing to be on his own if he needed to' but I don't believe that for a minute. He is a coward and if I hadn't found out what he'd been doing, he would have quite happily kept it up as long as he could because he knows his 'excuses' are utter crap and to a normal person, his reasons were naff and ridiculous.

I am sorry your kids are being affected by your situation, I wouldn't wish that on any child. I hope your strength and support can help them through it and I hope your ex steps up and supports them in the way a mother should.

Good luck to you, I am sure there is a kind and decent person out there for you as you do not deserve the way you have been treated. If you ever need to chat or vent, feel free to message me. Having people to talk to who have been through the same thing is invaluable and as lovely as my friends are, they just don't know how it feels.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> I'm sorry for your loss and hopeful for a much happier future without him. True (at least in the short run) cheaters seem to walk away 'free' into the sunshine. In reality most relationships between cheaters will fail. I also observe that they ultimately lead pretty miserable lives. Your best revenge is to lead your best life ... be happy every day, be brave and love again. You didn't trust or love too much .... you just picked a flawed individual.


Thank you Robert. I try not to think about their relationship too much, although it does pop into my mind sometimes. I am not a nasty person but at times I do hope they are miserable and feel guilty, at least in part, on the inside. At the moment I am happy with the way my life is and I'm trying new things and getting back into some things I stopped doing while I was with him so all is good 

And you are right about him being flawed. I never really took much notice over the years I was with him but I can see now that he had many traits I didn't like. He was a weak person who gave up when the going got tough and I seemed to overlook it time and time again so I shouldn't find it too difficult to understand why he took the 'easy' way out instead of having a mature discussion about our relationship when things weren't going as well as he'd liked.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> OP, just so you know.
> 
> Some of the anger is because you did not expose. There are a lot of reasons to expose, one of them is so that SOMEBODY knows what a liar and cheat he is.
> 
> ...


Thank you BluesPower, yes I understand that now. At the time I was in the phase of wanting him back so I didn't want to let on what he'd done for fear people would not accept him if we got back together. That and I wanted to think there was still good in him otherwise my choice in a husband was pretty shocking! Obviously his family and mine knew about it, and a couple of trusted friends but I do regret keeping it hidden for so long. I guess another reason was I didn't want to be seen as the bitter wife who was blabbing to anyone and everyone to score points. But never mind, what's done is done. Those that matter know the truth, whether they acknowledge it or not, and I am living with a clear conscience which is more than can be said for the cowards who run away and hide without dealing with their issues.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> Dear Devastated, I'm glad you have found your way through this. It may not seem like it, but you are way better off without that bum. Given time, I'm sure you'll find someone who deserves you.


Thank you Icelander, I'm not totally through it all but I am definitely getting closer each passing day! There are still days when I miss him and the things we used to do together but on the whole, I know I am better off. I used to think I would like nothing more than to get him back but now all I think about was how naive I was being; how could I ever trust him not to do it again the minute things got rough? And why did I waste so much time on someone who thought it was ok to treat their wife in such a horrible selfish way? These cheaters do not deserve the good people they abuse and leave behind.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Devastated wife said:


> Thank you Icelander, I'm not totally through it all but I am definitely getting closer each passing day! There are still days when I miss him and the things we used to do together but on the whole, I know I am better off. I used to think I would like nothing more than to get him back but now all I think about was how naive I was being; how could I ever trust him not to do it again the minute things got rough? And why did I waste so much time on someone who thought it was ok to treat their wife in such a horrible selfish way? These cheaters do not deserve the good people they abuse and leave behind.


Yup, they honestly sound like they deserve each other. Enjoy your new life to the max!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Devastated wife said:


> *It's like they follow a script...*
> 
> And I guess the other thing that I can't seem to get past is the anger that they seem to have gotten away with causing so much heartache. I'm the one who has lost friends over this and they seem to have waltzed off into the sunset without losing anything and are secure in the fact that no one (apart from his family) know how they got together. To her family and friends, they 'just met and fell in love' and because I was a nice person and didn't shout it from the rooftops, no one knows what he/they did and he can play the innocent single guy. *How is that fair?*


DW,

It's more than a script. It's the "Stone Tablet" of cheating. 

Fair? The only Fair I know is the one that comes in the Fall with the merry-go-round and cotton candy. Here's the deal... aside from you and your close family, People just don't really care. You need to "Let Them Go" (a great thread here from long ago) and don't care too. Time to take care of yourself and be your best, scr-w "them".

Rest assure... little Miss Teenage homewrecker have will be next in line to be cheated on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Devastated wife you need to put him to one side and concentrate on yourself.

Get counselling to help you to move beyond what has happened to you.


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> @Devastated wife you need to put him to one side and concentrate on yourself.
> 
> Get counselling to help you to move beyond what has happened to you.


Thank you MattMatt, I have had two lots of counselling and it has helped tremendously. By coming onto this site and reading a couple of books it has also helped steer me away from caring what he is doing and to concentrate on myself. The days are getting easier and I'm finding I only think of him periodically when something reminds me or someone mentions his name. The day will come when he'll be out of my mind for good


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The good news IF you divorce him:

1) The 19 yr old kid will undoubtedly not work out. She is a person of low character and poor judgement. She not only went after a married man, but went after a man almost twice her age. When he’s 60, she’ll be about 40. Of course, he will have certainly cheated and she will likely have, too. Their relationship won’t last very long most likely.

2). You are going to have the chance to meet a man that will treat you like a person. When you find that special person that actually has some character, you will suddenly wonder why you never think of your ex husband. What he is doing or what happens to him won’t matter to you.

I just strongly urge you to look at a persons past and not judge them by what they say to you or how they make you feel.
Have they had a steady job all their life?
Have they many lifelong friends?
Do they treat other people with respect, consistently, whether it benefits them or not?
How do they treat their enemies?
Have they addictions if any kind?
Do their friends and family not only love them, but admire them?

The bad news:
You picked this guy. You chose him. Figure out why and avoid choosing his kind in the future. Lots of people keep making the sane mistakes.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> The good news IF you divorce him:
> 
> 1) The 19 yr old kid will undoubtedly not work out. She is a person of low character and poor judgement. She not only went after a married man, but went after a man almost twice her age. When he’s 60, she’ll be about 40. Of course, he will have certainly cheated and she will likely have, too. Their relationship won’t last very long most likely.
> 
> ...


Know you meant same but got a chuckle out of it lol


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Devastated wife said:


> Thank you MattMatt, I have had two lots of counselling and it has helped tremendously. By coming onto this site and reading a couple of books it has also helped steer me away from caring what he is doing and to concentrate on myself. The days are getting easier and I'm finding I only think of him periodically when something reminds me or someone mentions his name. The day will come when he'll be out of my mind for good


Or you'll think: "Oh, yeah! I used to be married to him!"


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

OMG...eww. What a worthless jerk... 

So, girl, lady, comrade, I think you have your ego bruised. That he must have found you so awful that she a 19 year old and his family don't support his choice, and divorce is costly and still you were so bad that he needed to get away. I think there is a voice in your head that says that. That feels that. STOP. If any of what i said is true about yourself you need to get in counseling and then when you are ready you need to get some dates. Seriously you need to see how great you are and that he is stupid not to see your worth. Because that is what it is... You were not worth it for him to stay. (FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE, AND THE GRASS IS GREENER IN A 19 YEAR OLDS HOOHA) sorry...cringe worthy. 

He did not move on to greener pastures. He will suffer either 6mts 12mts 5 years... He will regret he did this. The 19 year old will either cheat on him (and soon) or she will get knocked up ASAP and trap him. Trust me...the fantasy will change one a baby comes along. Their relationship is not built on love, it is built on selfishness... Its a house of cards. A gentile breeze will come along and they wont work. 

But push that comfort aside. You need to realize YOU are better off. Dont focus on him being worse off. That is a given... 

You dont have his unfaithful butt around anymore! One month to go. GET OUT AND HAVE FUN. Dont wallow.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Devastated wife said:


> I just don’t understand why my husband is acting like he is, it is totally out of character for him. Sorry for the long post.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for just over 2. Last July I found out that he’d kissed someone else. I asked him if it had gone past that and he said it hadn’t, it was just a kiss. He is a building surveyor and he’d met her while doing a project at her place of work earlier in the year. He told me he’d gotten to know her and she’d shown an interest in him and they started talking. He told her about all the problems in our marriage that he felt we had (although these were not brought to my attention prior to him telling her the issues). When I found out in July, we briefly discussed some of the issues he was unhappy with and I felt like we were dealing with them. In August I asked him how he thought things were going and he said he felt things were going well between us so I had no cause to believe otherwise. We went away at the end of August on our anniversary and had a good time, or so I thought. In the first week of September, he was acting strangely and I could tell something was getting to him. Eventually he admitted he had lied to me and that he’d slept with her several times. He said he didn’t love her and that she’d made him feel good and actually wanted to spend time with him whereas I apparently didn’t. I find out that she is only 19 (we are both 34) and I don’t understand what the hell he is playing at. It knocked me for six especially when he turned nasty and said it was because ‘of the state of me’ that he’d cheated on me. I admit I have put on a bit of weight since we first got together but that does not justify, at least in my mind, a reason to go outside the marriage. I got upset at this stage and we didn’t talk for a few days. He confided in his parents that he’d betrayed me and they told me he was remorseful and cried etc but would not apologise to me, and still has not actually said the words ‘I’m sorry.’
> 
> ...


Only by you taking a hardline might you have any hope of saving the marriage. Personally i would seperate any joint finances if any are left see a lawyer ASAP and get the Divorce Rolling. If you have kids apply for full custody and have your lawyer make aggressive demands towards property assets and any other joint belongings in the marriage. Apply for spousal maintenance the works. In short he has to experience consequences for his actions. At the moment he has not experienced any.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to get past that stage where you feel like he got away with something is to go out and have an AMAZING life. There's a commercial here in the states that goes 'your brother in law does this and does that and is great at this and that and your folks love him cos he's so successful...and you'd love him too - if you made more money than him.'

He was your test run. Now you're gonna never get serious with someone until you've been dating a year or so, you're gonna read more books about relationships (start with 'Getting The Love You Want') and about psychology (His Needs Her Needs) so you know what you're walking into, focus your life on all those things you wanted to do but put aside for that marriage, save a ton of money so you never 'need' a man...all the things that are going to make you the catch of the century - and at which point you'll be so ok with yourself that you won't even WANT a guy around cos you don't need one, and only then will you be super choosy and pick only the best guy. Right?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The truth is you are fortunate he didn't choose you because you would have taken him back and likely faced this again someday. Instead you have your life back. And that's a very good thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Damn. A casebook midlife crisis.

Dumps wife and children for a teenage girl.

Good grief!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And the teenage girl won't work out. She's a symptom of his problem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My 30-something-year-old dad did that, went for the hot young things he couldn't get when he was a dumb farmer kid. Once he moved out, set up his bachelor pad and realized all he could get was divorced women with kids, he tried to come back to us. My mom told him to pound sand.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

threelittlestars said:


> *(FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE, AND THE GRASS IS GREENER IN A 19 YEAR OLDS HOOHA) sorry...cringe worthy.
> *


All this "His Needs, Your Needs, The dogs needs", "The 82 love languages", "Early-Mid-Late-Life crisis", mumbo jumbo... I think I'll go with 3LS concise assessment.


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