# Hello, everyone!



## NalaLyla (Mar 3, 2020)

Good afternoon! I do not ask for help, I am looking for advice and opinion! I am 27 years old, the husband is the same age. Have been together for 9 years , married for the third year. We have a one year old baby. computer games stood between us, as far as he devotes more time than to family. I had probably been very dependant for three years now, I struggled and talked and attracted, tried to pry, and offered joint classes. Intimacy is rare, and on my initiative, basically, without feelings and after that he tries to catch up to the computer. I thought once son is born, things are gonna change, however he doesn’t even walk with us when he is at home! Sometimes he plays with son, but starts fraking out really quick and I can see that he is awaiting when he is free so that he can go back to games. I don’t mind letting him play but moderately, and don’t forget that there is a child who needs daddy’s attention, a wife who wants sex and attention .. But this isn’t .. I suffer from the latter, I think to be divorced, and probably got divorced if there wouldn't be the baby. Although I understand that the child will not be happy if there is a discord in the family ... To look for attention on the side so that the child lives with his dad does not look like an option to me. I am not sure what to do, tho


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems.....

This man was ready for intercourse, not adult discourse.

He was ready to discharge his manly duties (in you), but not ready to be a father.

He is not ready to be married. He likely will never be that mature, anytime soon.

He needs something, a marriage counselor, an individual counselor, a proper goal in life, a swift kick in the rear.

You are the babies mama, not his.

He does not sound like a bad man.
He sounds like a boy in a man's job.

Gaming is a form of escape, babies and wives need attention or they poop on you, or leave you.

Sit him down, and tell him the truth, that you are thinking about divorce.

If...

If he does not upgrade his game with his family.

Better put, he needs to reboot his harder-life drive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@EleGirl will be around, likely telling you not to use your photo as your identifying 'Avatar'.

It is better to be anonymous on this blog, TAM.

Why?

Then we can all speak freely, without regard of any unexpected, 'untoward' repercussions.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I see... you had the baby thinking your other baby would change. Wrong! You need to have a serious conversation with him, although he is clearly addicted and addiction is a tough beast to beat.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I see... you had the baby thinking your other baby would change. Wrong! You need to have a serious conversation with him, although he is clearly addicted and addiction is a tough beast to beat.


The addicted, the habitual executor of some action.

One addiction needs to replaced by another (others), one supplanted by one more powerful.

He needs to break the cycle, form a 'uni to a plural' wheeled, rolling along lifestyle.
Find him, that something that both of you, all three of you, can enjoy.

I will say, that when your baby boy grows to age four or older, and becomes a little man, your husband 'may' take more of an interest in him.
I hope so.

Most men and women want to escape the trials and tribulations of life.

Most, successfully resist the urge. He has, of yet, not.

I am preaching to the choir, OP's husband needs to be told this, or something, to shake, wake him up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> OP's husband needs to be told this, or something, to shake, wake him up.



Absolutely...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@NalaLyla

It is best to remain anonymous on this website so that you can be more open and people in your real life cannot search your name and find the intimate information you might post here.

If your real name is NalaLyla the please consider changing your user name. Let me know here on this thread or via private message what you would like your new user name to be and I'll change it.

Also, if your avatar is a photo of you, you should consider taking it down for the same reason, remaining anonymous.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NalaLyla said:


> Good afternoon! I do not ask for help, I am looking for advice and opinion! I am 27 years old, the husband is the same age. Have been together for 9 years , married for the third year. We have a one year old baby. computer games stood between us, as far as he devotes more time than to family. I had probably been very dependant for three years now, I struggled and talked and attracted, tried to pry, and offered joint classes. Intimacy is rare, and on my initiative, basically, without feelings and after that he tries to catch up to the computer. I thought once son is born, things are gonna change, however he doesn’t even walk with us when he is at home! Sometimes he plays with son, but starts fraking out really quick and I can see that he is awaiting when he is free so that he can go back to games. I don’t mind letting him play but moderately, and don’t forget that there is a child who needs daddy’s attention, a wife who wants sex and attention .. But this isn’t .. I suffer from the latter, I think to be divorced, and probably got divorced if there wouldn't be the baby. Although I understand that the child will not be happy if there is a discord in the family ... To look for attention on the side so that the child lives with his dad does not look like an option to me. I am not sure what to do, tho


You might want to make one more attempt to save your marriage. It's going to take some work. It sounds like the two of you got into some unhealthy patterns and just cannot break out of them.

There are some books that I think would help you figure out how to save your marriage.

Read the books in his order:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" written by Dr. Harley. Read the books and do the work that they say to do. They set out a good plan on how to build a strong, passionate marriage. Then talk to your husband and ask him to read the books with you and do to do the work together. Hopefully he will agree. 

If not you could give it a bit more time while you read the following book: "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. In this book pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment. Basically there are things that you can do change your patterns of behavior to get your husband's attention. 

You need to unstabilize his world to get him to pay attention to something besides his computer gaming. After all the above, it might take you giving him an ultimatum, either he work on the relationship with you, limit his video gaming to only after he spends at least 15 hours a week with you and spends time with your child, or you are divorcing him. Tell him he needs to read the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and do the work with you.

Your husband is doing what a good number of men do today.. they get caught up in video games and check out of family life and their relationship with their wife. Generally they need a jolt (like a shock) to get them to stop it and pay attention to their wife and family.

You need to set a time limit for yourself. Say 6 months. If he has not changed his behavior and become an attentive husband and father, then it's time to divorce him. He's not going to change.

If on the other hand he does do the work, check every 3 - 6 months to evaluate how things are going. If he slips back into the video gaming, file for divorce. What you want to protect against is you spending years and years in this relationship trying to inspire him to pay attention and be a good husband and father. So make sure you set goals for yourself and that you evaluated on a regular basis.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"Most studies agree that children from single-parent families are more likely to grow up in financially challenged circumstances. As adults, these same children are also likely to have lower incomes than people who grew up in more affluent two-parent homes."
"Single-parent families usually have less disposable income for additional educational assistance such as tutoring, buying computers or reference materials for the home. Because of the limited funds, children from these households are also less likely to be involved in extra-curricular activities, which can hinder their chances of getting a scholarship."
"Sociologists imply that children of single parents oftentimes receive less effective parenting and discipline. Parents Without Partners states that the number of single parents working full-time has increased. Some single mothers even work two jobs."
"According to Amato’s research, sociologists warn that many children of single parents are born into undesirable circumstances. These children have a higher likelihood of being poor, committing crimes or using drugs. Many sociologists agree that childhood’s adverse effects outlive youth."

Just a few things to consider.

Addiction is cured with something better to do.


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