# Husband is blocking me out and blaming me



## Rayoflight (Apr 30, 2015)

Dear all, 

I’m going to give you some background and would really appreciate any advice you have. There is an age gap between my husband and I, he is retired and I am working as a teacher with the summer off. In the past he has suffered from depression and seems to be better overall but when I am off work I feel like I am disrupting his routine and it’s making me feel uneasy.

He has chosen to move into the spare room as it’s extremely hot at night where we live. I am doing bits and pieces in the summer to busy myself and also working on losing a bit of weight and toning up while I have the time usually am so busy. We agreed on what we would eat today and he came back from the supermarket with extra stuff saying we could have it as a starter before dinner. I wasn’t rude at all but simply said a nice idea but I’d rather just have my dinner as I’m watching what I’m eating etc. He didn’t respond well at all and has now basically given me the silent treatment. I’ve tried to talk to him and he says he basically has to ask my permission before doing anything, this is not true I basically just want to make my own choices and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it. This mini example today is quite frequent, I feel like it’s controlling in a non obvious way. 

He said oh this is what it’s going to be like all summer with you off, that makes me feel so angry inside, I’ve earned these holidays and the way he is talking to me and making me feel isn’t fair. It’s so difficult to talk to him he loses his temper and says I’m fine with everyone else, everyone really loves me etc but I’m horrible to him. He can’t see what he is doing at all. I was trying to help him go and cancel an important insurance Policy today which he keeps putting off and when it was clear he wasn’t going to go he said well it’s not urgent is it ?! To which I didn’t reply because we both know it is. He then stated mimicking my facial expressions etc. 

If when reading this, any thoughts come to your mind I’d be happy to hear them. 

Thanks in advance


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

UPDATE: please note the comments below apply to normal males. I have since found out that this guy has a long history of disrespect and abuse, include sharing nude pics of his wife with complete strangers and then blowing her off when she calls him on it.

Mimicking your facial expressions is rude and taunting behaviour. It's childish and he needs to grow up.

As far as the silent treatment, its called stonewalling. My husband does it too. Sometimes its because there is a fight and they are very hurt and don't realize how important it is to come back around and talk. Other times its a form of abuse levelled at the partner to win the argument or punish the other person.

From what I can tell from your small post, he does have some controlling tendencies.

More importantly what sticks out to me is your attempts to control him disguised as "helping"
We women are very guilty of this. We are used to having to take charge of many situations in the home.

You are NOT "helping" him by going to cancel his insurance appointment. You are controlling the situation, and sending a man the message that "you are incapable of taking care of yourself" As someone who also suffers from depression I can tell you. WRONG MESSAGE. We already feel inadequate enough thanks.

IF the insurance is in both your names. Cancel it yourself. If it's in his name. Let it go.

Men are very clear about this one. It's called nagging. Or controlling. ANd they respond very poorly to it.

As a woman who learned her lesson very late in life and damn near lost her marriage because of it. Let me rewrite your conversations:

HE came home with extra stuff. Thank him for going out. Then ignore it. Stop making an issue. Just don't eat it.IF asked say you're not hungry.

Men want to please and they want to see us happy. Trust me, you will NEVER be happy if you don't learn to value him for who he is and what he brings. 
Just be more diplomatic and stop seeing every opportunity to correct him and his thinking. THAT'S WHAT TEACHERS DO.

HE doesn't go and cancel the policy. See above.

Stop pointing out what he's doing wrong. Dr Gottman says there should be 5 positive interactions for every negative one. 

Please men, your opinions?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

As annoying as it is, these seem to be symptoms. What's the elephant in the room that isn't being dealt with?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

aquarius1 said:


> Mimicking your facial expressions is rude and taunting behaviour. It's childish and he needs to grow up.
> 
> As far as the silent treatment, its called stonewalling. My husband does it too. Sometimes its because there is a fight and they are very hurt and don't realize how important it is to come back around and talk. Other times its a form of abuse levelled at the partner to win the argument or punish the other person.
> 
> ...


 I have to say I agree with this period if he brought home extra food, there is no law saying you have to eat it. Just thank him for getting groceries and let it go. Same with the insurance policy. If it is in both of your names take care of it. If it is only in his name, it is his problem.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I think sometimes when issues like this come up you may be shocked to find that you are both feeling the same way. Like he may feel like the one that is being pushed away and being told what to do even if you can’t imagine that.

I know 100% if I keep on my husband about something like canceling an insurance policy then it is going to take him twice as long to get it done. I think it’s how they take a stand when they feel controlled. Then we think they are jerks 

I think just using less words over things that don’t even matter (such as appetizers) is always a good
Choice. My husband doesn’t go to the store very often but bless his heart, he’s always so proud of what he comes home with. I’ve learned over the years not to comment on what he buys, or tell him I don’t like that, or what am I gonna use that for!? I can’t understand it but it’s hurt his feelings. 

You said he moved into the spare bedroom?? How come?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

*Yeah, this is an interactive pattern that sets in, where both people are playing their part in it. Each person can't see what they are doing.

It's the kind of thing a good marriage counsellor can help with, they see it every day.*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Two things: How long have you been married?

Read this link and see if it strikes a chord: https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#emotional-neglect-and-isolation


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

[/QUOTE]

I have to say I agree with this period if he brought home extra food, there is no law saying you have to eat it. Just thank him for getting groceries and let it go. Same with the insurance policy. If it is in both of your names take care of it. If it is only in his name, it is his problem.[/QUOTE]

Exactly this wise and caring.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Mind me asking, what is the insurance policy about?


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## Rayoflight (Apr 30, 2015)

Thank you all for your replies, I’ve read them with care and will continue to reflect. It is his own insurance policy but I need to go with him to translate the language. There is a sense of urgency in the case they will take the money. 
He originally went into the spare room as he was not very well last winter with chest problems and would have a tendency to wheeze at night and was very susceptible to picking up infections. Since then his health has improved quite a bit, the condition is ongoing but managed very well. We have been on holiday in the meantime and things were fine, shared a bed, been physical etc, but as soon as we got back he was straight back in the spare room. I did try to talk about it last week but was met with anger.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Listen to this.....



Rayoflight said:


> he says he basically has to ask my permission before doing anything


I know that sometimes it's difficult to get our story across when trying to relay events/exchanges to other people, so I have no idea if this part....



Rayoflight said:


> this is not true I basically just want to make my own choices and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.


.....was stated to him or if you're just expressing your feeling to us about what he said. If the latter is the case, then we have no idea in what way or in what words you responded to him when he said that.

But either way, I can tell you that you ignored what he said. You don't have to be defensive about everything, nor do you have to assume he is wrong in his assessments just because you don't agree. It's never fair to ignore, diminish, or dismiss when your husband expresses his feelings, and you wouldn't appreciate him doing that to you. He stated how he felt, but your response about it, or your feeling about it, was to suggest it was all just his imagination.

Just like you want your own choices, he also wants his own choices. And his choice was to bring more than was on the grocery list. So what that he changed his mind from the previous agreement. Why has he no right to do that, and why did you take it as an affront to your choices?

Do you see that you did to him the exact same thing you accuse him of doing to you?

In addition to that, I am honestly unable to fathom WHY you say his purchases in some way eroded your personal choice. He bought the stuff is all. Making the purchases is no indication he would later shove them down your throat if you refuse to eat them....when all you have to do is simply not eat them later if you don't want to.

That's why he says he feels he has to have your permission. It's apparent that if he doesn't ask, you find some way to scorn his decisions and then accuse him of more than his initial intention.

If the exchange were between you and me and you stated "this is not true I basically just want to make my own choices and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it" then my response would be "Well damn, where did all THAT come from?"

So that you don't feel like I picked apart one isolated incident and turned it against you. Here's another example of the same thing:



Rayoflight said:


> It’s so difficult to talk to him he loses his temper and* says I’m fine with everyone else, everyone really loves me etc but I’m horrible to him*. He can’t see what he is doing at all.


You did it again to dismiss, diminish, and ignore what he said, but it was not his imagination. He keeps telling you how he feels, but you keep on blaming him for his feelings and saying they are not true. That you don't like what he says and don't agree with what he says doesn't make what he says untrue. He's speaking his own truth just like you are. You have to learn to listen, instead of immediately dismissing out of hand.

I know it's hard to accept criticism, but please don't dismiss and ignore what I'm saying too. Yours is not my marriage, so I have nothing to gain and no argument to win by submitting that you have to stop pointing at your husband and thinking everything about you is perfect. It isn't possible that everything he does and says are wrong and everything you do and say are right. It simply is not possible. You contribute to these problems between you. There's no way for you to convey every single thing that transpires between the two of you, but so far as I can see from what you related to us here, you not only contribute but are the cause of the problems between you.

You and your husband need marriage counseling sooo badly to learn how to communicate effectively and to learn conflict resolution. But in the very least (since most couples don't seek counseling no matter how many people say they should), you should first stop criticizing the things he does. There was nothing wrong with him making the additional purchases, so what else has he done that you criticized for him to feel like he needs your permission to do anything? And then stop ignoring and dismissing everything he says about you just because his criticisms of you are hard to take. His feelings are not his imagination. When he says these types of things, ask him "Why do you say that?" and be genuinely concerned about his answers.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Don't know how long you have been married? As has been suggested, your teacher gifts come across as mom-managing to your husband. He seems to be feeling he can't do anything to please you. Teachers must control their classroom. Wives, I think, do better by building up their husbands--tell them how much you appreciate them and try to overlook their flaws. Pick and choose your battles. Watch your facial and body expressions.

I'm not there. My ex was unhappy no matter how much I praised, loved, or made happy. He did not want to please me and so reacted badly no matter what. If this is your case, I am SO sorry. 

Was it Ben Franklin who said, "The hardest time to keep your mouth closed is when you know you are right?

Try and see if you changing brings different responses from him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Rayoflight said:


> Thank you all for your replies, I’ve read them with care and will continue to reflect. *It is his own insurance policy but I need to go with him to translate the language. *There is a sense of urgency in the case they will take the money.
> He originally went into the spare room as he was not very well last winter with chest problems and would have a tendency to wheeze at night and was very susceptible to picking up infections. Since then his health has improved quite a bit, the condition is ongoing but managed very well. We have been on holiday in the meantime and things were fine, shared a bed, been physical etc, but as soon as we got back he was straight back in the spare room. I did try to talk about it last week but was met with anger.



OK, is this a life insurance policy? Health? Car? Home? what?

Usually, the insurance rep can get things translated. You don't have to do a thing.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You mentioned an age difference.

How far apart are you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now see, other people are picking up that you're controlling him, but I see several signs that he is emotionally abusive - isolation, abandonment, blaming, anger. I don't see a healthy relationship.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

turnera said:


> Now see, other people are picking up that you're controlling him, but I see several signs that he is emotionally abusive - isolation, abandonment, blaming, anger. I don't see a healthy relationship.


Same.


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## Rayoflight (Apr 30, 2015)

Thank you all so much it hasn't been an easy few days and I have really taken the time to read your messages and think about things. I tried some of the suggestions you mentioned and I'll update you on how things have been. I decided to keep quiet, leave him time to think etc and for me to think about my behaviour too.
This evening I started a conversation with him which was literally just me saying I'm sorry for things I have said or done which have been controlling or bossy. I said it calmly and just reminded him whenever he wants to talk I'm here and that I'm aware things need to improve. He lost his temper, saying I'm a bully and that I'm only interested in my work friends and my best friend. This has come from the fact she called me earlier to say she had got a new job and I was really happy for her. This evening he was mimicking how I was to her on the phone etc. He said I don't actually have any friends, if it wasn't for my work I wouldn't have any. He asked me why I am so upset. I told him because the impression I got on holiday was that things were going well, sharing a bed, being physical,sharing a bath etc and that the minute we got home he just basically ignored me. He didn't have a lot to say to that, other than it's his choice to go and sleep in the spare room. I asked him why he feels he needs to do this ( I think it's only fair of me to ask as his wife) and he just said because he wants to and doesn't have to give me a reason. He told me I have no idea how to talk to people and that's why he considers me a bully. 

I'm feeling very confused this evening. I am almost sure that the depression he has suffered in the past has returned but he will never admit that, he stopped taking medication because there were adverse side effects and it's not something I am going to bring up anytime soon as it will cause more problems. 

I hope this update helps you get a clearer picture of what is happening. Again I appreciate any advice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well he sounds awesome, I can see why you want to stick around. 

Not. 

It is very sad that you brought something up to him in a non-confrontational manner and this is how he reacted. This doesnt sound like depression, this just sounds mean and hateful. You dont deserve to be spoken to like that. Is there something that has happened in the past that he resents you over?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

its the making fun of your conversations that really makes me upset. That's disrespectful and mean. Yea, I can understand now why you feel the way you do. Give him a few days to stew over what you have said. 

Call him out when he mocks you like that. I mean CALL HIM OUT. Say HEY BUDDY. Knock it off. It's rude and disrespectful. 
Don't explain, don't talk about your feelings. Just tell him to cut it out. Same with the "no friends" comment. He's actually bullying you in this case.

The depression could be making him angry, men get angry when depressed because they think they should be able to fix it themselves. They see it as "weakness"

I gotta wonder. Is he cheating?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

How old is he? 

Where is all this anger and vitriol coming from?

I really hate to say the C word (cheating) but the downright verbal abuse he's spewing is disturbing. Could he be? The mocking you has got to stop. Right now. That's extremely immature.

Without knowing his age I can only guess. Could he have the beginnings of dementia?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you read any of the material about abusive and controlling men?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How old is he? The childish behavior and hostility are typical symptoms of certain aging processes.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He should talk to his doctor about changing meds--dangerous to stop suddenly. SSRI's have a tendency to mess with libido. Welbutrin might be a better choice. However, it seems he is not going to listen to you--no matter how rational you are.

None of this is an excuse for verbal and emotional abuse! When you try to make nice, he comes out swinging. There is no way to talk at times like this. Read about Narcissism and see if any of this resonates.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He sounds insecure as hell.

Let's call a spade a spade here, shall we?

You say he's 'older' and he's retired. I'll assume he's 65-ish. You're younger and again, you were vague about the ages but I'm going to guess mid-to-late 40's. So here you are in the prime of your life, working, busy, having a purpose, still looking good, generating an income, having friends, going places, living life.

And here _he_ is, retired, no purpose outside the house, no longer generating an income, he has no reason to leave the house except to grocery shop, he's 65 and looking every minute of it, he's not really networking with anyone anymore, he doesn't have much of a reason to dress nice or comb his hair every morning because he's not going to work, and he's not interacting with friends and colleagues anymore.

But you are.

All those nasty little back-biting comments he's been making to you about what a bully you are and how you'd have NO friends at all if you weren't working, and how life is such a _misery_ with you home all summer and blah blah blah simply sounds like him trying to bring you down to his perceived level of himself. It sounds like in his eyes he doesn't have much to offer but you DO, so he wants to take the steam out of your sails and get you feeling small and unimportant because that makes HIM feel more secure. I believe it's called "leveling" - trying to bring someone down to your own perceived level by belittling them and degrading them. And he sure is doing that - with a vengeance.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, Go out and buy him "The Rational Male" Book. He will love you for it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> Mimicking your facial expressions is rude and taunting behaviour. It's childish and he needs to grow up.
> 
> As far as the silent treatment, its called stonewalling. My husband does it too. Sometimes its because there is a fight and they are very hurt and don't realize how important it is to come back around and talk. Other times its a form of abuse levelled at the partner to win the argument or punish the other person.
> 
> ...


Wow, just wow.

A wonderful post!

And wonderful advice.

A change of pace, a change of shoe on foot, placing.

KB-


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Read her very first post. Her lovely husband was sharing her titty pics with another guy 4 years ago.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rayoflight said:


> Thank you all so much it hasn't been an easy few days and I have really taken the time to read your messages and think about things. I tried some of the suggestions you mentioned and I'll update you on how things have been. I decided to keep quiet, leave him time to think etc and for me to think about my behaviour too.
> This evening I started a conversation with him which was literally just me saying I'm sorry for things I have said or done which have been controlling or bossy. I said it calmly and just reminded him whenever he wants to talk I'm here and that I'm aware things need to improve. He lost his temper, saying I'm a bully and that I'm only interested in my work friends and my best friend. This has come from the fact she called me earlier to say she had got a new job and I was really happy for her. This evening he was mimicking how I was to her on the phone etc. He said I don't actually have any friends, if it wasn't for my work I wouldn't have any. He asked me why I am so upset. I told him because the impression I got on holiday was that things were going well, sharing a bed, being physical,sharing a bath etc and that the minute we got home he just basically ignored me. He didn't have a lot to say to that, other than it's his choice to go and sleep in the spare room. I asked him why he feels he needs to do this ( I think it's only fair of me to ask as his wife) and he just said because he wants to and doesn't have to give me a reason. He told me I have no idea how to talk to people and that's why he considers me a bully.
> 
> I'm feeling very confused this evening. I am almost sure that the depression he has suffered in the past has returned but he will never admit that, he stopped taking medication because there were adverse side effects and it's not something I am going to bring up anytime soon as it will cause more problems.
> ...


Yeah....no matter how much you may or may not try to manage him, THIS was just a preschool temper tantrum abusive hissy fit. He has anger issues. And the mocking your voice? That's both immature and cruel.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Read her very first post. Her lovely husband was sharing her titty pics with another guy 4 years ago.


Yikes. Thanks for the heads up.
@Rayoflight your husband is flat out abusive and has been for many years. Why do you stay? What are the good qualities you see in him?


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> Yikes. Thanks for the heads up.
> 
> @Rayoflight your husband is flat out abusive and has been for many years. Why do you stay? What are the good qualities you see in him?


Sharing t*tty pics? Ok forget everything I said. Those kind words apply to normal males.

He’s an immature a$$. And abusive

Show him the door pronto before you lose ALL of yourself esteem


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this thread. Print it out and reread it once a day until you understand.
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#emotional-neglect-and-isolation


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## Rayoflight (Apr 30, 2015)

Thank you each and every one of you for replying. I've left it a couple of weeks to update because in all honesty I needed to see how things worked out. For the majority of the month everything has kind of ticked along without problems. However, I can see while I have been off that he isn't stimulated enough during the day, yes he does the shopping and general housework but I think what he is missing most is human contact. When he is with other people he is a different person , loves a social situation. On Saturday we went out to dinner it was fine and then had a drink in our local bar. Many people we knew have moved away and it was a stark reminder that the area is not what it once was. I mentioned this in conversation....thereby a row broke out. We went home and he was accusing me of bullying him into moving to a new place etc. That wasnt my intention at all, I simply said that perhaps a change of scenery might be what we both need. We were supposed to have friends round on Sunday and cancelled. On the same day when I asked him seriously what the problem is he said I am a bully, he doesn't like let alone love me. The past couple of days have been like on eggshells. Then tonight over dinner he asked if I had looked any further into a christmas holiday we had been planning before. I said no because of the comments made at the weekend, I didn't feel in a position to be thinking beyond next week let alone Christmas. He stormed off. Later when he came back into the room I said to him we need to talk seriously that this is going in circles. He went crazy saying the sound of my voice does his head in and then started saying stop hitting me stop hitting me. I was nowhere near him. Hes taken himself off to bed. I need to mention here he had a couple of brandys and a wine to drink..the alcohol seems to be having a serious effect on his state of mind too. If any of you have any opinions, advice or thoughts on what on earth is going on with him I'd be grateful. He wont visit a doctor and despite me purposely keeping a low profile and trying to let it blow over the past couple of days there seems to be nothing I can do, I just seem to be making the situation worse by being here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I read your first post from a few years ago. Why are you still with him?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Rayoflight said:


> Thank you each and every one of you for replying. I've left it a couple of weeks to update because in all honesty I needed to see how things worked out. For the majority of the month everything has kind of ticked along without problems. However, I can see while I have been off that he isn't stimulated enough during the day, yes he does the shopping and general housework but I think what he is missing most is human contact. When he is with other people he is a different person , loves a social situation. On Saturday we went out to dinner it was fine and then had a drink in our local bar. Many people we knew have moved away and it was a stark reminder that the area is not what it once was. I mentioned this in conversation....thereby a row broke out. We went home and he was accusing me of bullying him into moving to a new place etc. That wasnt my intention at all, I simply said that perhaps a change of scenery might be what we both need. We were supposed to have friends round on Sunday and cancelled. On the same day when I asked him seriously what the problem is he said I am a bully, he doesn't like let alone love me. The past couple of days have been like on eggshells. Then tonight over dinner he asked if I had looked any further into a christmas holiday we had been planning before. I said no because of the comments made at the weekend, I didn't feel in a position to be thinking beyond next week let alone Christmas. He stormed off. Later when he came back into the room I said to him we need to talk seriously that this is going in circles. He went crazy saying the sound of my voice does his head in and then started saying stop hitting me stop hitting me. I was nowhere near him. Hes taken himself off to bed. I need to mention here he had a couple of brandys and a wine to drink..the alcohol seems to be having a serious effect on his state of mind too. If any of you have any opinions, advice or thoughts on what on earth is going on with him I'd be grateful. He wont visit a doctor and despite me purposely keeping a low profile and trying to let it blow over the past couple of days there seems to be nothing I can do, I just seem to be making the situation worse by being here.


Have you considered that he may be recording certain parts of your conversations? Him shouting “Stop hitting me” is going to sound very convincing if he has recorded it and plays it back to either the cops or a divorce judge. He could report you for spousal or even elder abuse. 
You say that he behaves perfectly in public so nobody else has seen or heard him abusing you. 
Be very careful, at the very least he needs medical attention and I would consider leaving him until he seeks it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I cannot understand why you stay there, continuing to let him abuse you this way. He wont get help, so you need to get out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, basically, your "update" is that nothing has changed. He manages not to be a complete ass for a couple days, then he behaves like a complete ass. Why the hell are you with this man? Do you have serious self-esteem issues? Daddy issues? Are you middle aged and absolutely desperate to be in a marriage, any marriage, no matter how bad? Why on God's green Earth do you stay with a man who has actually told you, to your face, how much contempt he has for you and who has actually demonstrated said contempt not only consistently in his day to day treatment of you but also when he was sharing around your pictures?

You can't fix him. He is the pathetic excuse for a man that he is. You can, however, change you. Figure out why you haven't left yet, leave, and make a decently happy life for yourself with the potential to find a mate that isn't an elderly toddler who doesn't even like you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

rayoflight said:


> tif any of you have any opinions, advice or thoughts on what on earth is going on with him i'd be grateful. He wont visit a doctor and despite me purposely keeping a low profile and trying to let it blow over the past couple of days there seems to be nothing i can do, i just seem to be making the situation worse by being here.


*why are you staying with this man???*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And just to add a p.s. to my question - Who gives a crap what's wrong with him? YOU are posting here, not him.

As MANY of us have asked, WHY are you with him? Get your focus off the abusive loser you're married to and figure out why you are putting up with his childish crap.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can't help someone who won't help herself.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Get out. Now. The "stop hitting me" nonsense is him trying to set you up for a domestic violence charge.

Quit trying to understand him and get out.


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

After reading this, I agree with basically everyone else. He sounds AWFUL. And it is very odd that he would say "stop hitting me" like that unless he is recording your conversations to be used dubiously - - - to which I say, maybe you need to start recording your conversations as well. In fact, maybe start documenting everything right now. You never know what he could be up to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

See a lawyer.

Also, call 911 or 999 or whatever it is in your area and get a psych team out to him.

He sounds mentally ill and needs to be held in a psychiatric facility for assessment.

I knew of a case like this. It transpired the poor fellow had undiagnosed and untreated Early Onset Dementia.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Rayoflight, I agree with others, he is either recording it for DV charges, or he is getting delusional.
I THINK you need to have a VAR on you also or even some video recorders around to capture what is happening.

If you talk with him when he hasn't had any drinks, does he still get that crazed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Rayoflight, I agree with others, he is either recording it for DV charges, or he is getting delusional.
> I THINK you need to have a VAR on you also or even some video recorders around to capture what is happening.
> 
> If you talk with him when he hasn't had any drinks, does he still get that crazed?


Or he has secret bottles of alcohol stashed about the home? And I've heard of this happening.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Rayoflight said:


> Dear all,
> 
> I’m going to give you some background and would really appreciate any advice you have. There is an age gap between my husband and I, he is retired and I am working as a teacher with the summer off. In the past he has suffered from depression and seems to be better overall but when I am off work I feel like I am disrupting his routine and it’s making me feel uneasy.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he's missing your attention (whether or not you're giving him attention has no bearing) and he's not in a great place himself. He sees you trying to better yourself and is quietly seething because he sees you getting better and not him; he's jealous of you and it's a control issue. We men are babies like that.

"He said oh this is what it’s going to be like all summer with you off". This says a lot about his controlling ways, it's a lot like something I would say if i'm not getting the attention I wanted, however, I only need this attention if i'm insecure and that's few and far between. 

One thing that throws me off is the mimicking facial expressions. That's something I don't do and won't stand for. You can't mock your SO and if he does, that's a boundary you have not set with him and you need to set it. That kind of stupid crap would never fly in my house, her or me.

Now, if he's like this all the time, then you might need to get counselling or something. His behavior should be short lived.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rayoflight said:


> Thank you each and every one of you for replying. I've left it a couple of weeks to update because in all honesty I needed to see how things worked out. For the majority of the month everything has kind of ticked along without problems. However, I can see while I have been off that he isn't stimulated enough during the day, yes he does the shopping and general housework but I think what he is missing most is human contact. When he is with other people he is a different person , loves a social situation. On Saturday we went out to dinner it was fine and then had a drink in our local bar. Many people we knew have moved away and it was a stark reminder that the area is not what it once was. I mentioned this in conversation....thereby a row broke out. We went home and he was accusing me of bullying him into moving to a new place etc. That wasnt my intention at all, I simply said that perhaps a change of scenery might be what we both need. We were supposed to have friends round on Sunday and cancelled. On the same day when I asked him seriously what the problem is he said I am a bully, he doesn't like let alone love me. The past couple of days have been like on eggshells. Then tonight over dinner he asked if I had looked any further into a christmas holiday we had been planning before. I said no because of the comments made at the weekend, I didn't feel in a position to be thinking beyond next week let alone Christmas. He stormed off. Later when he came back into the room I said to him we need to talk seriously that this is going in circles. He went crazy saying the sound of my voice does his head in and then started saying stop hitting me stop hitting me. I was nowhere near him. Hes taken himself off to bed. I need to mention here he had a couple of brandys and a wine to drink..the alcohol seems to be having a serious effect on his state of mind too. If any of you have any opinions, advice or thoughts on what on earth is going on with him I'd be grateful. He wont visit a doctor and despite me purposely keeping a low profile and trying to let it blow over the past couple of days there seems to be nothing I can do, I just seem to be making the situation worse by being here.


I take it you didn't read the link I gave you.


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