# Tell Me What You Think



## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

My husband and I recently decided that we would try and better our marriage and our finances by pooling our money together and keeping the funds in a joint account. We would pay bills etc out of the account. There is also an adjoining savings account where we would be working on a reserve fund.

I agreed to this and have been forwarding a good 80-90% of my pay cheque to the joint account and then my husband puts some into savings etc. His pay goes directly into this joint cheqing account.

So everything was going along fine until my husband up and decides without consulting me first to go and buy four (4) of the new Nintendo Wii systems. He claims he is going to sell them and make a profit. I believe that it was an excuse to go buy one "for the kids". He pretty much cleaned out the meager savings to do so, maybe leaving $700 or so. He texted me while I was at work to let me know what he did stating "don't worry I'm going to make the money back and that money will pay for one of the Wiis which we can keep for the kids". 

I didn't blow up or act totally pissed but I'm slightly annoyed by this. I feel like I'm not an equal partner in the handling of the finances. He says I should let him be in control of the money but seriously? I don't think he's being very responsible. So that was Sunday and today all four of these gaming systems are sitting in the house. He plans to sell them closer to Christmas when there would be more of a demand.

If I had done this and gone into the account like that and just cleaned it out he would have been PISSED like he would have cussed and carried on really bad if I did that. Which I mentioned and he didn't deny. He realizes that he probably shouldn't have made such a decision without consulting me first but I don't think he really actually cares. 

Funny thing is though that when I get paid he wants to know down to the penny how much I got and how much of it am I transferring over to the joint account. I usually have to lie and say I got less then what I actually got just to be able to get myself a few needed items without being harassed and have to give an account for every little thing.

I've had friends advise that they do NOT join their money with their spouses but I just thought because I'm not the best with money and I will spend it if I had it, that I'd put it in his hands to build up a savings. 

Do I have a right to be ticked off or annoyed? What should I do? Should I let this slide? Should I stop joining my income with his?

Any advice is much appreciated and thanks for reading this.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

You are right to be upset. I suggest you amend the pooling arrangement so that an agreed on % of each of your income stays in your personal "kitty" for individual purchases. You can do whatever you want with that kitty. Anything spending the joint accounts (savings or checking) must be agreed to in advance.


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## smileyhappy (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi there,

I know it can be hard! My husband and I both have our bank accounts but we have joint accounts. Just in case something happens to one of us, the other can get in to continue paying bills. We have been together for 20 years and have done this. People wonder why we do not put our money and bills together. But this works well for us. He can still see my accounts so now and again I'll hear some advice. But all is good! Hope you find what works for you!

Smileyhappy


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Lavender&Lace said:


> My husband and I recently decided that we would try and better our marriage and our finances by pooling our money together and keeping the funds in a joint account. We would pay bills etc out of the account. There is also an adjoining savings account where we would be working on a reserve fund.
> 
> I agreed to this and have been forwarding a good 80-90% of my pay cheque to the joint account and then my husband puts some into savings etc. His pay goes directly into this joint cheqing account.
> 
> ...


If a problem can be solved with money, it is not a problem...There are much tougher issues in life than money....

My wife and I have been married for 46 years. We have always had a joint account. My wife has rather eccentric accounting methods, and has no concept of cash flow. She will fill out paperwork for an hour to buy something "90 days for cash"
when we have the money in hand...Go figure. We both have steller credit ratings and she loves those 0% credit cards... 

She will use these cards when she has the money in her pocket, and pay them off month by month...

I will not make an effort to understand. I have always been the chief breadwinner. She sold Avon products for 20 years, and I think her highest earning year did not make $6000....

We married when I was 19, and money was tight raising 2 boys, but I made up my mind very early that money was not worth arguing over........

My wife is not an extravagant person, and I basically let her buy anything she wants. Boy toys are more pricey, and I passed up on the sporty cars, etc. a a younger guy, but now have a Mustang GT convertible a really nice gun collection (bought over many years) and a 17 foot fishing boat.

Money is not worth fighting over.....As I always told the wife when she wanted to buy something "write the nice man a check"

Is this issue really worth hard feelings between you and your husband? If he makes a profit...great, If he looses some money...It is only a little money.......

Show him how big your character is, and let it drop. In a few years you will look back and be glad you did.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

A couple of things came to mind. In reverse order of importance.

First off, if your husband ever starts talking about flipping houses for profit, or some other such scheme, walk out the door on the spot and inform him you are on your way to your divorce attorney's office.

Secondly, if he is honestly going try and make good by flipping the Wii U systems, I would recommend he start putting them up on Ebay *now*. You might want to show him this link

And most importantly, yes you should be upset. What he is doing is undermining the very goals that your are supposed to be pursing. There's a double standard when it comes to money in your house right now, and that needs to go away, otherwise you can't have any confidence in it, and ultimately him. And that will erode away at the foundation of your relationship. If the idea of his control over the funds is to help you become a better money manager, then he better *BE* a better money manager on all fronts and give you something to look up to. And this so far isn't doing it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lavender&Lace said:


> Funny thing is though that when I get paid he wants to know down to the penny how much I got and how much of it am I transferring over to the joint account. I usually have to lie and say I got less then what I actually got just to be able to get myself a few needed items without being harassed and have to give an account for every little thing.


Stop doing it until he treats you equally.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You expect to be included and treated with respect regarding finances but you have developed the practice of deceiving him about finances? That doesn't make sense to me. I believe you should be honest with him about what you earn and deposit. I believe he should be equally as transparent with you. Agree that neither will spend over X dollars on non-budgeted purchases without consulting the other. Either you're partners or you're not. I also believe that merging funds as a plan to improve a marriage is getting the cart before the horse. Fix the trust and communication issues and then you can pool your money and work as a team.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But he isn't, unbelievable. He is making independent purchases and telling her later, AND he treats HER money as though he has the right to divvy it out. 

You should have a rule of NO purchase over $100 without the other's agreement.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right to be upset at him. And no you should not allow him to control the money. Controlling the money needs to be a joint decision with complete transparently and open communication.

A rule that neither of you can spend more than $x on a purchase with out consulting the other is how to handle this.

You are wrong to hide some of your money from him.

I recomend the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". If the two of you can implement the plan in that book and work together it will solve a lot of problems.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Funny thing is though that when I get paid he wants to know down to the penny how much I got and how much of it am I transferring over to the joint account. I usually have to lie and say I got less then what I actually got just to be able to get myself a few needed items without being harassed and have to give an account for every little thing."

What's the difference between systematically diverting family money for personal use every week or your husband doing so in one lump? The principle is the same. At least he was honest enough to tell you after he made the purchase and if he is to be believed, he is trying to turn a profit. You're just buying stuff for yourself and deceiving your husband because you don't want to discuss finances with him.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

You should be pissed, not just annoyed. Seeing as how those systems are $350 each, he spent at least $1,400 (or, about 2/3 of your account balance) on a gamble. That is foolish and endangers your family.

What he did is not a business or an investment. It is speculation - gambling that these things are going to be in such short supply he can sell them for enough money to cover the purchase price and shipping, EBay fees, and other costs to sell.

You need to set a hard limit against playing these games. I'll note further you don't seem to have much reserve savings (it sounds like that reserve was a recent idea). If an unexpected expense comes up (roof repair, car breaks down) what would you have done?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> If a problem can be solved with money, it is not a problem...There are much tougher issues in life than money....
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 46 years. We have always had a joint account. My wife has rather eccentric accounting methods, and has no concept of cash flow. She will fill out paperwork for an hour to buy something "90 days for cash"
> when we have the money in hand...Go figure. We both have steller credit ratings and she loves those 0% credit cards...
> ...


It is only not a problem if you have the money to cover it. The OP does not have the money to cover this. With only $700 in the checking account (plus whatever little bit in savings) they don't even have enough to miss one paycheck.

You say that you let your wife spend whatever she wanted, and it all worked out. That tells me you had the money to cover it and/or she had a innate sense for when "enough was enough" and did not put you guys in financial jeapordy.

My experience with my ex with respect to financial restraint is that she never met a trinket she did not like. She actually put us in significant financial jeapordy twice. It would be unwise for the OP to assume this will just blow over when her H is spending large chunks of their limited reserves.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Why the F*** would you buy 4 nintendo Wii's? 
They aren't selling off the shelves anymore! 

When it first came out years ago, then yes, I understand that. 
But why buy 4? WTF? 

You have a right to be upset. 
This guy is controlling, and unresponsible. He needs to know every penny you make, while he spends recklessly. 

I can't get over the fact he bought 4.....just...why? 

If you're going to buy something and sell it, buy stocks, or bonds. Something that Nintendo won't at least replace in 2 years, or sooner...


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Why the F*** would you buy 4 nintendo Wii's?
> They aren't selling off the shelves anymore!
> 
> When it first came out years ago, then yes, I understand that.
> ...


He wound up having to bring them back. I just went to walmart to buy milk and juice boxes etc for the kid. I spent $35. He just freaked in me saying why did I spend that much and how he thought I was only buying milk. He said I'm going to make the bills bounce. He is goiing to have to transfer money out if the savings to cover bills. I'm in the dark about the savings account. Just realized my name is not in it. Only the checking. I'm not joint my income with his starting my next pay. He will hit the roof and threaten divorce ( which he does on a weekly basis) but I don't care anymore. I give up trying anymore. 

Btw: regarding hiding my funds I'm talking $50-100. Out of a $7 or $800 pay cheque. I do t make much and I only work part time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

He sounds as irresponsible with money as a 7 year old with a $100 allowance. 

Here is what you do:

You change the accounts around. 
You stop depositing your money into that joint account. Open a new account (which will be easy because banks love your money) with only your name on it, and deposit only into that account. 
And yes. He will b!tch and moan about it, and say you are taking food out of your kid's mouths and clothes off their back. 
Just tell him you plan to cover their expenses out of your paycheck, and you two can split in some fashion (where he should probably pay 2/3 of it) the house and other expenses. 
You get the food, and clothes, 1/3 of the other bills, and your crap.
He gets the other 2/3 of the house/utilities/insurance bills, and his crap. 

And don't plan on getting your money back. It is gone. Burnt up. Down the hole. 
Let this serve as valuable lesson to you. 

Ever heard "You can't fix stupid.*" ?

Well "You can't fix irresponsible people either." 

* but some people think you CAN beat it out of someone


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> He sounds as irresponsible with money as a 7 year old with a $100 allowance.
> 
> Here is what you do:
> 
> ...


Yeah, I'm done with depositing my pay into the joint chequing. As soon as I do he transfers it into the "savings" where I have no ownership over those funds. I am stupid for even agreeing. But I'm trying to make this relationship work. I'm trying to get on the same page with him, but I realize that no matter what, he will never be happy.

There is between 3-4K saved and he was happy about that. However, that happiness didn't last. He said he wanted me to work, in any capacity and bring in _something_. Which I'm doing. Next, thing you know, I'm not bringing in enough, so I sign up for more shifts. Next, the house is messy, he doesn't get enough respect from me and the kids. I'm not teaching them right...on and on...I tell him that I am only one person and then he tells me that he knows plenty of women who work FULL TIME and keep it all together. Maybe he is right and I wish I was the high energy go-getter type, but I'm not. As I said before i give up. I'm off work today, kids are at school and he just left for work. I'm here doing absolutely nothing. The house is a mess. The only thing I have been doing is laundry.

I really get so burnt out on life sometimes. Honestly.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book: His Needs Her Needs. ASAP


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I am going to say something and you're probably not going to like it. But you need to hear it.

Sounds like you are married to a loser. 
And marriage doesn't make a loser responsible.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Let me see if I have this right (I'm an old lady, wouldn't want to get confused):

he threatens divorce regularly
he takes the money you earned, b1tches it isn't enough, then transfers it to an account that only HE has access to
p1sses money away on stupid cr*p, and b1tches when you spend money on food for you and the kids

Is THAT about right?

WTF are YOU getting out of this marriage? And don't say a 'father' for your kids because he's a p1ss poor example of how you want your kids to turn out. And don't kid yourself, they WILL figure that however HE acts, that's how a man, a husband is SUPPOSED to act. However YOU act, that's how a woman, a wife is SUPPOSED to act.

If you don't respect him, then you should NOT be married to him. You'll just be raising another generation of children who will live just like this - with fiscal irresponsibility.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Read this book: His Needs Her Needs. ASAP


I have this book but haven't read it yet. I will start reading it tonight. 
Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I told him that I'm not going to contribute to an account that my name isn't in. He said we can go and put my name on the account. Then I told him all the other things that I don't like about the marriage and he said he would take half if the money in savings and give it to me. Wtf??? I am truly at a loss. Anyway. I'm going to read the His Needs Her Needs book with an open mind. We shall see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take the half of the money and put it in your own account that he can't spend.


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