# Wife sortof cheated on me



## nils (Sep 3, 2008)

Hi all....

My wife and i met in high school, and upon leaving high school 7 years ago we moved in together while attending university.... while there she had a brief moment of bad judgemnt with a friend and allowed him to ...touch... her... this hurt me a fair bit, but she swore it would never happen agin and i told her that if it ever did happen again i would leave....

we moved back to our home town and she eventually got her license (i was driving her everywhere before then..)

We got engaged over 3 years ago and got married two years ago.... built a house.... 

about 8 months ago we invited a guy i work with over to dinner after he had gone though a messy breakup. We all became quite good friends.... My wife has never had any close friends.... and i was really happy when she could talk to him... about 5 months a ago our relationship started going downhill.... she wasn't showing me any affection.. at all... she didn't really even look at me....

i was aware of mild flirting from her towards him... but i like to give the benifit of the doubt...... it got too much about 4 weeks ago and i spoke to her about it.... she apologised and said she would stop... i thought it had until her text messages were beeping away and the cosntantly being deleted..... I started checking periodically and discovered she was texting him excessively (nothing bad though).

the other night i had to race out to work to grab something and she said she had to go to the shops... i haven't been trusting her.... so after i finsished i went to the shops, and out walk both of them... that upset me, but she said it was a coincidence

i didn't sleep in the same bed that night.....

the following day i went to him and spoke to him about it, asking for the truth, cause i wasn't going to react, i just had to know the truth. He said that she had made advances on him and he blocked it - apparently nothing has happened between them.....

but the night of the shops - she texted him to meet her there.....

there's no accidental behavior here.... she chose to do that.

i proceded to talk to her and she blamed the fact that i've never made her "feel special" (i'm hopelessly unromantic) I think this statement is rubbish..

surely it doesn't justify this behaviour?

i proceeded to move and am living at work at the moment. She now wants me to come back home, and she wants to fix things... she says she has a real problem about not knowing herself.... she never has had a single life (nor have I) she went straight from living with her parents to living with me... and now she has her license she doesn't know where her head is at..

but apparently she wants to fix things

I don't trust her though and i don't know if i want to fix it....

any advice anyone? (sorry for the huge post)


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

nils said:


> i proceded to talk to her and she blamed the fact that i've never made her "feel special" (i'm hopelessly unromantic) I think this statement is rubbish..
> 
> surely it doesn't justify this behaviour?


Volumes are spoken here. If she doesn’t feel special in the company of the man that vowed to love and cherish her for life, yes she could reach out to someone else to fill that need. I don’t condone her behavior but I do understand it. She is reaching out to you now to repair the marriage. Take her hand and at least try. If not you may very well regret if for the rest of your life. Both of you need to make your needs clear and she needs to understand that inappropriate relationships with other men are not acceptable. Just because you feel you are not romantic doesn’t mean you can’t improve. Ask for her help in telling you what is important in romance. Different people see it in different ways. I know this book gets over hyped on this forum but read the 5 Languages of Love. It can open a lot of doors for you in understanding each others needs. Take her hand, what have you got to lose other than the possibility of a great marriage and family in the future. Good luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

If you are wise, (since she has made the first move in wanting you back) why don't you ask her exactly what you need to do to make her feel special. There is no romantic formula. Every woman is different. Ask her, and then go away and think about it.

If she gives you a list of 3 things, try to come up with a 4th that is in line with what she said, but is totally your own idea. Then set about doing all 4. Make a note in your diary, to do one or other of the things every now and then, otherwise the magic will wear off, and she will be complaining again.

Making a spouse feel special is a life-time task, You can't just do it at the beginning of a relationship, and think, "cool, that take is complete".

Also, don't rub her nose in it about the other man, cut her a break, it's no big deal, and I can tell you're quite an easy going guy.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Take her back. When she is away from the house, fix the house up in a very romantic way. Don't wait until Valentine's Day or her B-day to give her flowers or be romantic with her. At least you two should try to work things out, and if it doesn't, than you know you have tried. If you do the romantic thing, this will make her feel loved and very special. Good luck !


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## nils (Sep 3, 2008)

thaks for the replies guys... it means alot to me, i don't really know where my head is at at the moment

talk about a different response to the other forum i posted in though!

my personal problem is one of trust... she broke my trust once before, and it took ages for it to build back.... now that this has happened it hurts doubley so.....

i'm not sure i can trust her... and am feeling at themoment that i need to leave for my own sanity... (although i am aware taht this is porbably just one step of a cycle of emotions)

she phoned me last night to say that i was the best thing that ever ahppened to her and she has issues with affection (i knew that already) and wants to see counslelling (she used to flatly so no to counselling)

is she just in a step of emaotional cycle as well? (fear or something)

i must say that she has never experienced life by herself (i have been more like a parent to her up unitl about a year ago, when she got her lisence (things got rocky then, but we worked though that)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Love conquers all


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## nils (Sep 3, 2008)

hi again

a friend just mentioned that book too...
so she obviously is a person that puts importance in receiving gifts and I am the "Acts of service" type...

I cant understand the materialisticness of it. If the gifts stop for a while she'll cheat on me? what's the deal there?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

nils

You are correct and you may be cycling emotionally. Likely her also. It is our way of looking at options and can be very confusing. There is a concept I’ve spoken of here before called therapy with a 2x4. Now that your wife fully understands how damaging her behavior has been to the marriage she has done a 180. The question is will it last. Many people do “learn their lessons” and change for the better for good. Trust is difficult to rebuild but can be done. If you are ready to move forward then sit down with her and set the ground rules. Tell her she must be fully transparent and not be offended if you ask to see phone records, emails…. If she is unwilling to do that then you’ll know something right there. Also take the time to understand her needs and wants. On the gift giving as a language of love it need not be materialistic. Yes flowers, bobbles and dinners at a nice restaurant are nice but so is a sweet note left in her car, a surprise picnic lunch at the park or a card left beneath her pillow if you are traveling. If your wife is like mine those things mean more to her then jewelry and gifts. Good luck.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

nils said:


> thaks for the replies guys... it means alot to me, i don't really know where my head is at at the moment
> 
> talk about a different response to the other forum i posted in though!
> 
> ...



You said she has a fear of something,meaning you don't know what that is, but if you go to counslelling, it will bring the fear out into the open. You have to ask yourself these questions. Do I want to make my marriage work, or do I really want to end it? If you want it to work out, you can't sit back and do nothing. If you put nothing in a relationship, you will get nothing in return.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants the security of you there but wants the excuse that she never lived as cause for her bad judgment. You can't have it both ways. 

I think you need to decide what you want. If you want her, then tell her it is all or nothing. But on your side you need to be the romantic she wants. But she needs to be a wife if you come back she can't teeter back and forth.

draconis


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