# Is TAM an EA?



## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Many come here for emotional support and advice from strangers. There is no chance of anything becoming physical in most cases. But those who post here open up emotionally maybe even more than they do with their SO. Those who post seek comfort, recognition, support from others not their SO. They may begin to see posters comments as highly regarded - more so than their SO and may then see their SO in a negative manner which adds to the frustration and anger towards their SO. 

I read through some posts and see 'you should talk to your SO', often ans an answer. This is true in a healthy relationship, they should be talking to their SO. What if the SO doesn't even know about the poster coming to TAM? There is this whole hidden relationship from the SO that is weighing against the relationship itself.

So Do you think TAM could be considered as an EA?


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Would seeking counsel from a therapist be considered an EA? 

I see TAM as a free service to vent or say things merely spouses or loved ones may say in a counseling session with a therapist. 

Should a spouse be capable of sharing to their partner their feelings? Absolutely.

Maybe some come here to find the best approach before addressing their partner in the wrong manner?

Maybe some have deeper issues within their marriages or never had issues before.

Personally, my husband is aware of my profile here at TAM. If I've ever posted on behalf of my marriage, he has been aware and I first have gone to him before making posts.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Where's a good popcorn .gif when you need one?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Definitely a PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FWIW, more than a handful of EAs have sprung up here.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

When I first signed up, my wife and I were not in counseling and I will not talk about my marriage problems with my family. There are women I *could* have turned to to discuss my marriage problems with, but I chose to come here instead because I do not want to end up in an EA.

I can see your point of TAM being a relationship that weighs against the relationship itself as I have thought about that before in my own situation, but in reality, if I didn't have TAM as an outlet, I just might go crazy.

I wish my wife and I were at a point where we could have constructive dialogue about our problems, but we just aren't there yet. So, yes, I turn to TAM in the meantime.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

New_Beginnings said:


> Would seeking counsel from a therapist be considered an EA?


A therapist is a by my definition a licensed professional who is trained to deal with these issues - big difference than talking with friends or strangers.

I can see how TAM could be considered EA as it no different than building a relationship with a friend on the basis of our grievances in our SO relationships. Isn't that the definition of EA. One party turns to an outside person for support because of their issues in their relationship?

Turn it another way replace TAM here:

I spend a few hours at the coffee shop with James, an old friend discussing my issues with my SO. Over the course of days to weeks, my time with James increases. I build a emotional bond with James relying on his advice and input as to what I should do. He tells me often to 'talk to my spouse' but also provides his opinions about how my SO is wrong. I begin to lean more towards what he says and build up more anger/frustration towards my SO. 

In the above, I would consider that an EA because it is taking away from the relationship with the SO.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

mjgh06 said:


> So Do you think TAM could be considered as an EA?


Thanks for posting. I have been thinking the same thing recently. I have posted stuff here that I have never told my wife and never will. I also am spending too much time here, and neglecting my wife. TAM introduced me to 5LL and I learned my wife's top love language is Quality Time. So what do I do? Spent MORE time on TAM than with her. How the heck do some people have over 10,000 posts and still have time to be married???

I am spending more time posting on TAM then fixing my own marriage problems. TAM has helped me much already but I still have a long way to go. But I find that am giving out advice (and it is good advice) to others than I sometimes am not following myself.

BTW. Why am I posting at TAM now when at work? Addiction. Just like EA. I need to go No Contact with TAM but I have convinced myself that TAM and I are "Just Friends". :wink2:

Edited to Add: Plus every time I get a "like" it's like getting a text from an EA partner..... So very similar...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

mjgh06 said:


> In the above, I would consider that an EA because it is taking away from the relationship with the SO.


:iagree::iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, more than a handful of EAs have sprung up here.


And wasn't there a PA?

TAM is no more an EA than when you visit a counsellor.

But on TAM you get advice on how you can get better and heal with or without your cheating spouse. For example. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

mjgh06 said:


> A therapist is a by my definition a licensed professional who is trained to deal with these issues - big difference than talking with friends or strangers.
> 
> I can see how TAM could be considered EA as it no different than building a relationship with a friend on the basis of our grievances in our SO relationships. Isn't that the definition of EA. One party turns to an outside person for support because of their issues in their relationship?
> 
> ...


And what if it was a female friend instead... same thing?


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

mjgh06 said:


> New_Beginnings said:
> 
> 
> > Would seeking counsel from a therapist be considered an EA?
> ...



I see where you're going with this. 

I like the fact of getting an outside perspective from someone other than a personal friend and or a family member. I personally don't want family or close friends in my martial issues. I don't think it's fair to have middle men, that can ultimately place individuals into an awkward encounter... 

I do think depending on how much a person comes here, instead of focusing on their partner and going to their partner with their issues could yes become a problem.

Some also don't have the means to pay for counseling sessions and personally for me, I have already been to a therapist. People may also come here to help others with possible same circumstances and just offering support. I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging and or trying to shine light of situations that one may be in denial about.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

I like your sense of humor blueinbr. Is that wrong for me to say?...lol



blueinbr said:


> BTW. Why am I posting at TAM now when at work? Addiction. Just like EA. I need to go No Contact with TAM but I have convinced myself that TAM and I are "Just Friends". :wink2:
> 
> Edited to Add: Plus every time I get a "like" it's like getting a text from an EA partner..... So very similar...



There are those who can separate being here, taking in advice, and not have it mean anything. I started my time here to vent about my SO as I consider what I want to do. My questions stems from reading through so many posts that are like 30+ pages per thread and it got me thinking how some people can't detach like I do, and that TAM could become a crippling device within the relationship itself. 

No offense intended to anyone. I know there are some who have no where else to turn for whatever reason. Just thought it was a topic to bring up.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mjgh06 said:


> Many come here for emotional support and advice from strangers. There is no chance of anything becoming physical in most cases. But those who post here open up emotionally maybe even more than they do with their SO. Those who post seek comfort, recognition, support from others not their SO. They may begin to see posters comments as highly regarded - more so than their SO and may then see their SO in a negative manner which adds to the frustration and anger towards their SO.
> 
> I read through some posts and see 'you should talk to your SO', often ans an answer. This is true in a healthy relationship, they should be talking to their SO. What if the SO doesn't even know about the poster coming to TAM? There is this whole hidden relationship from the SO that is weighing against the relationship itself.
> 
> So Do you think TAM could be considered as an EA?


*Not even remotely!

If it was, then simply talking to your therapist would be deemed as an EA, as would talking to clergy, family, and close, trusted friends, about the precepts of one's marital, as well as their non-marital problems!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

@TBT


> And what if it was a female friend instead... same thing?


Personally, anyone female or male that takes away from my relationship emotionally would be an EA.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

> If it was, then simply talking to your therapist would be deemed as an EA, as would talking to clergy, family, and close trusted friends, about the precepts of ones marital as well as their non-marital problems!


Wouldn't it?

How many EA end up PA with close trusted friends for that very reason?

edited to add: I am relating TAM to the friend as TAM posters are not therapists or Clergy who are trained to deal with these issues.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mjgh06 said:


> A therapist is a by my definition a licensed professional who is trained to deal with these issues - big difference than talking with friends or strangers.


 Well we actually do have a few posters who fit this description.




> I can see how TAM could be considered EA as it no different than building a relationship with a friend on the basis of our grievances in our SO relationships. Isn't that the definition of EA. One party turns to an outside person for support because of their issues in their relationship?
> 
> Turn it another way replace TAM here:
> 
> ...


You need to use a better example. This is a false analogy. TAM is a group of individuals not anywhere near "James an old FRIEND." Trying to compare a large group of individuals with one on one alone time with an old friend is disingenuous.


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

@phillybeffandswiss


> You need to use a better example. This is a false analogy. TAM is a group of individuals not anywhere near "James an old FRIEND." Trying to compare a large group of individuals with one on one alone time with an old friend is disingenuous.


Ahh, but don't we have repeaters here so for them TAm is an old friend.

Secondly, we all have tendencies to 'connect' with certain people even in group settings. In TAM that would be certain posters we connect with how they express their opinion and then we 'really' read their posts whereas skimming others. I hope that makes sense. 

To go further - @blueinbr I am using you as an example only here - 
I liked his posts. I commented that I liked his sense of humor. 
People connect even to the written word because they can feel behind the scenes so to speak. We all do it. 

With emotionally vulnerable people as we are here on TAM some may not be able to separate it and it can be a EA.

edited to add:
Can you tell I like debating?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Where's a good popcorn .gif when you need one?


I got your back, brother.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I agree that there are cases where some posters have EAs on here, but for the most part, I think people are just looking for anonymous advice from other people who may have been in their particular situation. It always helps to know that you are not alone, and that others have had similar experiences in their life. A lot of times there's nobody close that you can turn to, or you don't feel comfortable discussing you situation with them. That's where the wisdom of TAM posters can make a big difference. I feel it is also a place to vent frustrations in a constructive way, instead of taking it out on your SO.

I haven't been here long, but I have learned a whole lot about different approaches to different problems that I hadn't even thought about.

I am very blessed with a great marriage to an absolutely wonderful wife. The thing is, no matter how great your marriage is, you should always work toward improving it. I continue to learn, and my marriage continues to get even better. After all, I think a marriage can grow stale if you don't continue to improve it in areas where improvement is warranted.

BTW, I do not get on TAM at home, just at work. My wife knows I am on many blogs, and I've never hid that from her. She's welcome to read my posts anytime she wants. I am slowly getting my wife to visit some of the websites I frequent just to see other perspectives from married folks. I think she may see something in our marriage that she thinks needs improving, and I would be receptive to any change she thinks is needed. We're in this marriage together, after all.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DayOne said:


> I got your back, brother.


Love me some @DayOne

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Luvher4life said:


> BTW, *I *do not *get on TAM *at home, just *at work*.


Unless you are the owner, you are cheating on your employer. :smile2:


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Where do you find those gifs/jpgs? lol.... I know google it.

Needed some humor today.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Unless you are the owner, you are cheating on your employer. :smile2:


Sometimes I feel a little guilt about that, but my job takes precedent over anything I do on the internet. I definitely do my job, and do it well. I stay caught up. Paperwork is all done. All of our employees surf the net when times are slow, but only after their work is done. Our employer has no problem with it.:wink2:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mjgh06 said:


> @phillybeffandswiss
> 
> 
> Ahh, but don't we have repeaters here so for them TAm is an old friend.
> ...


 If you connect and then take it further you and the person have a burgeoning EA not you and TAM. Can TAM facilitate an EA? Yes, just like work, school, movie groups etc etc etc. Is your EA with said groups? Nope. Yes, you are still being disingenuous.




> edited to add:
> Can you tell I like debating?


Then you should really drop the logical fallacies.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

When I reviewed my emotional needs, I determined that I was filling my need for intimate conversation here. there is some validity to the main question here.


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## breathedeep (Nov 8, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> When I reviewed my emotional needs, I determined that I was filling my need for intimate conversation here. there is some validity to the main question here.


I agree.

But what about those of us who (whether correctly or incorrectly) do not feel we can safely and effectively discuss these issues with our SO?


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Then you should really drop the logical fallacies.


Nope can't do it. I need to push buttons today to keep my head high. I struggle with my own issues right now.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, more than a handful of EAs have sprung up here.


Gus, I find your written words and avatar to be incredibly soothing and comforting. :wink2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well damn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Definitely a PA.


If I'm having a EA with TAM then I guess I'm having a PA with my right hand.

I mean this is a serious question OP? Come on....


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I think if you keep everything out in the open and stay away from private messaging, it's all good. My wife does not know I am on here. However, if she found out and read every single one of my posts, I would not be ashamed. Maybe embarrassed but not ashamed. 
She would probably be pissed off for a day or two, but after she read my posts and realized the only reason I am here is to make our relationship better and nothing else, she would get over it.

Honey, if you're reading this, I love you, "more than the sky"


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I use TAM as a testing ground for Memes before I post to a larger audience, don't really consider that an EA ... :grin2:

Aside from that, and I am sure an EA or PA could happen b/w members here, if posting on TAM about your SO is considered an EA then really any conversation you have with anyone about your SO who is not your SO could be considered an EA. I would only see an EA if being on TAM is actually taking away from your relationship in some manner.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> If I'm having a EA with TAM then I guess I'm having a PA with my right hand.
> 
> .


Get the left hand involved, make it a threesome ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Like any resource, I think it's entirely possible to become dependent on the help, support, and possibly validation one may receive here.

It's always important to remember that people can only help themselves in the end. It's their own actions that have the capability to effect any sort of change. What they get here are different opinions. Some work for them, some don't.

I have my PMs disabled for a reason. I don't accept friend requests for a reason (and apologies to those of you who've reached out and wondered why there's been no response). It's nothing personal, it's just my way of maintaining my boundaries when it comes to TAM. When I am here, I am a thought and advice dispenser. I'm not out to push an opinion or agenda, just to contribute. I'm not here to make friends, I appreciate the contributions of all members, and some people I have come to know a little better through their contributions but I would not say that I know them really.

I have a long history of forum posting, I did it much more frequently when younger, and I have moderated many forums in the past. I work in a field that places the utmost importance on data security. I have no social media accounts to speak of, other than a professional networking one that I update once a year, if that.

So, I make it a point to be someone impossible to know here through anything but my posting. I am not worried about what I post. A very clever person could probably figure out who I am but it's not that I really have anything to hide. If any ghosts from my past have found me here, they've kept silent about it. Probably because it's water under the bridge by now!

My suggestion is that person in a relationship posting here should feel comfortable enough to share what they've posted about with their partner, unless they are in an unbearable situation such as abuse or neglect, and are looking for emergency help. Communication is my #1 when it comes to relationships, so if you can't be honest with your spouse/SO about your feelings, how will things change and improve?

I'm sure there are lots of things posted here under normal circumstances that do not get shared with the party they actually concern. I'm not sure if I'd consider such an action conducive to a healthy relationship in general, yet it's kind of a given that a forum is going to become a place to vent.

If members get a little too attached here, then that's a matter for them to tackle (or not). There are tools in place to help prevent it, however. Kind of reminds me of the "McDonalds makes me fat" argument. "TAM made me have an EA." :wink2:


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

For those of us who can maintain good boundaries TAM isn't an EA, it's a resource. For those of us who can't, TAM can facilitate an EA. 

And the time spent on TAM is no different than the time spent watching TV/playing video games/etc. with respect to quality time taken away from your marriage. Again, this assumes that you have boundaries.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

breathedeep said:


> I agree.
> 
> But what about those of us who (whether correctly or incorrectly) do not feel we can safely and effectively discuss these issues with our SO?


The physical distance, and anonymity make this a safer place to discuss in that situation. Even safer in my case (trying to fill as need). A person could chose much worse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

blueinbr said:


> Thanks for posting. I have been thinking the same thing recently. I have posted stuff here that I have never told my wife and never will. I also am spending too much time here, and neglecting my wife. TAM introduced me to 5LL and I learned my wife's top love language is Quality Time. So what do I do? Spent MORE time on TAM than with her. How the heck do some people have over 10,000 posts and still have time to be married???
> 
> I am spending more time posting on TAM then fixing my own marriage problems. TAM has helped me much already but I still have a long way to go. But I find that am giving out advice (and it is good advice) to others than I sometimes am not following myself.
> 
> ...


I love this post.. how funny ! It can reach addiction status.. Myself & husband talk as deep as deep can get, there is nothing I hold back.. If I couldn't have this with a spouse.. I'd be awfully frustrated..I see that as a NEED.. being able to share our deepest whatevers without fear, shame.. etc. 

YET.. I resonate with the addition part of posting here.. Yes.. this happens.. even if all is good in your marriage & you've worked through a struggle that landed you here... I remember going on vacation one year.. they had no internet. I was joking with husband how I felt this "withdrawl".. I missing posting.. how ridiculous is that @#$

Personally.. I've always been a Forum Junky... before coming here.. it was Photography/ Camera forums, Parenting, C-section, computer forums, Christian forums, etc etc..I was even on wood burning forum for a time... Got a question.. I look for a forum! Sometimes you get drawn in..and stay a while.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have always thought the same thing. Talking to strangers about ones most private emotions is siphoning emotional energy from one's SO. If you are single or not in a relationship, you escape this notion.

Do the ends [being on TAM] always justify the means? Many times they likely do, but do not necessarily "do" so. At least not for all posters and in each situation. 

There is a Voyeurism thing evident here.

Are we being vicariously entertained by some, amused by some, and being sucked dry by others? 

I have great empathy and some of these stories tear out my guts. Is this masochism?

Are you floating at 50K feet and looking down at the ants below. Ants that are fidgeting and fighting, competing and [we] are saying that "We are glad not to be them" [in each instance, and in each post]. 

A reasoned response says yes. it is OK to be on here, even if our SO, or family has no clue as to our online dalliance. 

Many on here effect great responses and actions for the TAM [advice and help seekers]. I salute you. 

Our honest truth can be fluid; it changes day to day. Your own personal reasons to be on TAM, may be fluid, also.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Ok, now I'm curious. How do you even know? With all the crap people post on here about hardships I'd have thought this place is pretty harmless. Guess I assumed wrong.

I can definitely see where people sharing common issues and thoughts could be appealing in the virtual world. 

As long as someone is not trading private messages and just keeping things anonymous and not personalized then TAM is mostly harmless.




GusPolinski said:


> FWIW, more than a handful of EAs have sprung up here.


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