# Sorry to have to join this topic:(



## nikkin (May 8, 2012)

Hi, I have been married for 31 years to what I thought was the perfect man. Great provider, hard worker, great Dad. To make a long story short. ..he went to a strip club 1 and 1/2 years ago, and started having sex with stripper , she was only 23./we are 52, she was also a herion addict! 

I found out cause a number (jail) , would keep showing up on his cell phone. And he tried to talk his way out of it.. and just about did it, cause he is actually in this organization that does help people in prision .. BUT he is just a silent partner on the board.. But like I said he almost go away with it .. He confessed when I think he was just too tired of all my questions.

I have since learned by him there were two strippers, the 2nd one he started up with when the first stripper ended up in jail for drugs, and would be for a while. 

So that one night at strip club he got two numbers. The 2nd one was middle aged , married, with kids??? she no longer strips though, but did a 1 and 1/2 years ago? with kids?? I don't know seems strange.. are there married strippers with kids out there?? This was oral sex with her in his car  and without a condom, says 4 months ago he started with her , and had it 4 times. We were std tested ,and thankfully fine. 

I just now after a month of waiting got the cell phone records , and it is not pretty. Stripper #1 is in jail , so just daily calls from the jail to his office,but he said they texted daily, and alot when she was out.. Stripper #2 big time texting with her.. had started as well.. We are talking in one day he could do 34 texts??.. This the highest but say on average of 12 texts every other day or more.. 

The one day where there 34 texts, was a sat..which saddens me.. He said she texted him cause her brother killed himself , and she needed flowers for his funeral.. :scratchhead: sooo wanted to have sex for the money! unbelievable!

Does anyone have any insights as to why he seemed to latch on to them? I mean it was not just a call, or a text let's have sex, he seemed to want to have some sort of relationship in a way.. or is this just what happens with you have sex outside the marriage? 
Thanks for any help..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

fantasyland is a wondrous place that nothing can hurt you including unprotected sex with drug addicted troubled women and rainbows come out of unicorns' butts

that's where he was

and I truly wonder if it was just 2 strippers, he likely made a play for many- trickle truth is what happens on Dday (see the newbie link in my signature)


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please get the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. He was in at least one emotional affair, maybe two.

Emotional affairs are escapist fantasies. He was creating a bubble in which he could float away whenever he wanted to forget about "real life."

He also LOVES playing "rescuer" to damsels in distress. It's clearly very habit forming and he ISN'T going to magically break it off just because you found out / are profoundly hurt / threatened him with [whatever] in your very angriest voice / got tested for STDs.

The most serious part of it is that he's done it with two people.

Married with Two Kids Stripper is interesting. She is worth investigating further (frankly, they both are) to confirm precisely who they are and what their situation is. Maybe he met Married via the strip club--perhaps she is still friends with people there? Anyhow, yes, that one in particular stinks to high heaven and I would tell her husband how she spends her time. The problem is, her husband might be in on it; maybe they scam or blackmail men like your husband into giving them money for "funeral flowers" when their "brothers" "die."

BTW, 4 mos. is not the last window for STDs. I hope the testing facility explained that you need to be retested for HIV at some future date. And, you have no way of knowing right now that he isn't still doing this (correct me if I'm wrong). Every time he gets sex, the clock on STDs starts ticking again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

plenty of married and with kids strippers (well at least with kids), the husbands are essentially pimps (especially if he is aware she does play for pay) I wouldnt get hung up on the OW's morality, your husband's morality is more your concern


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband latched onto a couple of internet wh0res (who later turned out to be scammers) and had cybersex with them repeatedly because he was feeling isolated from me and was seeking intimacy with someone else. He doesn't admit it yet, but I'm sure there was the thrill of being in a new relationship and the dopamine rush going on too. He was addicted to it (that he does admit).

You can't spend too much time wondering WHY. You'll drive yourself nuts - I almost did. Start wondering what else there is he hasn't told you and start investigating.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> fantasyland is a wondrous place that nothing can hurt you including unprotected sex with drug addicted troubled women and rainbows come out of unicorns' butts
> 
> that's where he was
> 
> and I truly wonder if it was just 2 strippers, he likely made a play for many- trickle truth is what happens on Dday (see the newbie link in my signature)


This I gotta see~ Rainbows coming outta a Unicorns Butt!!! LMAO


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well it was sarcasm to explain that her husband wasn't thinking of consequences nor hurting her, he was merely thinking of himself and getting into strippers' g-strings


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I am sorry for the pain ur going thru, it's impossible to get them to change unless they want to. 
I am sad to tell you, ur husband isn't the first man to go crazy over some stripper, I have lost 2 friends who did the same thing!!! I'm talking LOST~AS IN NEVER TO THIS DAY HAVE EVER SEEN THEM...and their poor families have no idea where they are.
Good luck w/ the divorce~ find the 180 plan, it's for you and will help.
Mouse


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## nikkin (May 8, 2012)

Thanks for all the help so far. Thing is he is really remorseful, and in the first days of me finding out he was devestaed how much he hurt me.. He said he never thought I would find out??? Not sure how that helps me.. and he said he was always planning on ending it.. (1 &1/2 years?). 

At this time we are trying to work things out. I just recieved the cell phone bill yesterday , and it just struck me how often he had contact with these women. It was NOT just about sex, cause sex, you text/call, get together-done. This is like I said I think he was having an odd type of personal relationship with them. 

If I tell you this part it will floor you.. BUT he also took/paid for stripper #1 to Florida when he went /she went off to visit her Father the whole week and/ he went to his friends. (he has been doing this for years though). She was afraid to fly alone 

He helped her get a used car/insurance, though claimed she paid for it.. He also claims that she became too needy and it scared him that she would blackmail him with me. So he took her to FL to try to get her to want to move there /far away from him.. and the car so she would stay in NY where she is from , and not be in Pa so often to be a bother to him? But as I said she is a herion addict, and on probation-in PA , and could never test clean, so she was in and out of prision alot. And he also posted 6k bail for her once.  

It is hard so hard. I trusted this man with everything in me. He was never this type of person. I have said why not just leave me, and do this.. he would say cause I loved you, and you are a good wife.. I just did not want to have sex as often as he did.. 

When this started I had a bout of Fibromyalgia, and was in alot of pain.. so I asked sex be every other week. I said to him what happens if we were to never have sex again (if a sickness caused it) he said" well that is when the love kicks in" lol, so much for that.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nikkin, I'm so sorry. My marriage of 26 yrs (and six before that) is down the toilet.
I"m sure others will tell you this, but don't believe him. VERIFY. Phone records are a good start, but not enough. I confronted my STBXH with his cellphone records and graphic texts and he still said "What?" with that deer in the headlights kind of look.
Go to your doctor (or a free clinic if that would be easier for you) and get tested, because drug-addicted strippers usually come with extra gifts that tend to linger.
Now I'm sorry to say this, but what a selfish pig. He knows you have a painful ailment, and he just wants what he wants when he wants it. And the apology was not sincere. He's not sorry he's been doing this, he's sorry he was caught. 
Get mad honey, he's treated you badly.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When I was in the Air Force (in the 70's) I went to a strip club in Mississippi. I did not like it and it was a front for prostitutes. My buddies talked me into going with them. I talked them into leaving shortly after we got there. Was not my cup of tea. Two years later my high school friends and I hooked up (I was on leave). They took me to a strip joint in Maryland. Two guys I went to high school with were there, one was a major league ball player who at a young age made it into the majors and the other classmate played with the NFL (Chargers and the Eagles). I remember not liking it and going to the rest room, I over heard the girl who just performed telling the manager that she can't go on again because she has a 5 and two year old at home that she left alone. I felt sorry for her. My two friends were there for more then just eye candy.

For me there are really bad risks in going with these type of women. The addict will do anything for money. They are easy. I have worked with addicts, prostitutes, all kinds of street people and the problem in your case is not these OW but your husband. He can get whatever he wants just about whenever he wants. It is easy for him. And he is doing it in skanktown. The fact that he is going where herion addicted strippers are performing shows a very low class man. I am not bragging but the place where I went to in the 70's with my friends was fairly high class. Still might have been a front for prostitutes but no herion using prostitutes. 

You should get tested for STD's every six months for the next two years (even if you stop having sex with your husband). Some stuff does not show up right away. AND make sure you are getting tested for all the STD's. Do your research online. A typical family doctor does not do a complete series.


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## nikkin (May 8, 2012)

It was very low class of him to get involved the bottom of the barrel type women, as I call them. We are talking one was 150.00 and the hotel-70.00, though he paid her 220.00 directly to her... I have read Tripadvisor reviews for this hotel. .it is a very baddd hotel, with drug dealers, and they said "meth head hookers". I got a clear picture of what type of place this must have been through that.. BUT husband said that is where she wanted to go. The 2nd hooker was 100.00 for oral sex ,in car, without condoms, in an abandoned super market parking lot. He said that would have progressed to a hotel if he had not been caught. 

He is a very successful business man..But he is the cheapest man I have ever known at the same time. But the risks involved with the types of women .. I just don't get how that is worth the money. 

Thank you for the advice on STDS. I actually go to my regular GYN end of May..and he can direct me with what else I need.... I realise things could take time to manifest. 

He is claiming about every 6 weeks with stripper herion addict for 1 year and 2 months , and every month for 4 months with stripper in car, cause first one went to prision then. 

Sadly I was wishing he had something/anything..(STD),but same time I would have as well. I just get so mad that some how he has come away some what unscathed, and I am left a mess But he is remorseful as I said.. It just doesn't make things ok though


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry you are here Nikkin. There really aren't any sexually transmitted disorders where the screening tests takes years to turn up positive. There is not a routine screening test for HPV other than a pap smear which may take time to become abnormal, so screening now and then again in 12 weeks to 6 months should be adequate. I know this is very devastating to you; but, it is surprisingly more common than you may realize. I've seen estimates that more than half of adult men have paid for sex at some time. Certainly even more common in Europe and Asia. For some reason, the repeated contact, almost a relationship, you mention seems worse to me. 

Good luck as you work your way through this mess. I know my struggle has been difficult and I didn't choose the enormous task of trying to make a go of it. I'm sure you are feeling bewildered and in great pain. Take care of yourself first.


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## nikkin (May 8, 2012)

Wow you have all been so kind. I have only been able to tell 3 people.. so I don't have alot of support , and one of those is the therapist.

I feel I am on the roller coaster they talk of. My husband seems to want to make it all go away, and it is in the past , let's move on, make it better. I want to say..well fix the past then! 

And he has now admitted he did make some type of personal relationship with each stripper/hooker, cause well he did not like the idea that he was paying for it, but he knew he had to..but like wanted to pretend he wasn't ???? okkkk.. If that makes sense? 

He does FINALLY admit maybe he did not love me as he should have when he started this.. ( ya think?). I have asked him this question 1,000s of ways.. to always be met with I loved you always the same.. it was just about sex, no way did I think it was just about that.. , nor did the therapist.. so he pretty much wasted 2 weeks of therapy for me. 



I don't know where tomorrow brings me..I honesly don't know if I can forgive him ever. How can you forgive something like this.. ?? I can make it my new reality maybe.. but not forgive..I do love him though. He is a good person, was a good husband. I have spend so much time being his wife/girlfriend..=34 years.. It is just hard to be anything else. . Does anyone else feel that way?? I hope I am not being too judgemental. I hope one day I can move past it , and not think of it as much.. and wake up , and not see everything differently like I do now. The grass , the trees, everything look differently.. anyone else feel that way?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Nikki, sorry fr you. I am sure your H wanted the relationship part because it was probably killing him that some part of his brain knew he was PAYING for sex, and these ho's didn't really desire him. He was a walking wallet to them. My H has an affair with a pill addict, so I know how it hurts. Your emotions will be all over the place now, so don't make any major decisions. If your H is truly sorry and does some hard work and you want to reconcile, I wish you luck!

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

nikkin said:


> t this time we are trying to work things out. I just recieved the cell phone bill yesterday , and it just struck me how often he had contact with these women. It was NOT just about sex, cause sex, you text/call, get together-done. This is like I said I think he was having an odd type of personal relationship with them.
> 
> If I tell you this part it will floor you.. BUT he also took/paid for stripper #1 to Florida when he went /she went off to visit her Father the whole week and/ he went to his friends. (he has been doing this for years though). She was afraid to fly alone
> 
> ...


Your husband is a serial liar and has grown quite good at it.

Only now that you have found out about this 1 1/2 ordeal is her so remorseful, and hurting so much for hurting you!!?? 

Your husband enjoyed the whole experience and probably will seek similar vulnerable woman in the future.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Nikkin, do not let him sweep this under the rug. That is his way of avoiding having to deal with the pain he caused. Too bad for him. At this point, he has no say in how or when or if you offer forgiveness for his betrayal. That is entirely on your terms. Will he go to MC? Remember, you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be embarrassed about. That is on him. Keep strong.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Another thing I find alarming--of course nothing as bad as the danger to your health, but still--is how much money exactly has he spent this way. You know of at least one airplane ticket. $220 for one night. This would all really add up. That is money he was stealing from the marriage to finance his fun.

You will see that cheating takes on many permutations. His is in a separate category because although it was prostitutes (emotionless in theory) he sought out 'regulars' and did develop some bond with them. I'm not sure if that makes it better (it was not all about sex) or worse (it was not all about sex).

But it does show that this was meeting needs on many levels for him. (This does NOT mean, BTW, that you weren't perfectly capable of meeting his needs--just that he wasn't seeking that from you--this was his CHOICE.) But this is not something he is just going to end by snapping his fingers and going cold turkey. If "only" your heart was involved, you might be able to assess the risk of trusting him. But with your health involved, too, if it were me...I would say no more.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this guy became what is called a sugar daddy, a low rent version of it

he is quite the predator or quite the fool


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

nikkin said:


> Wow you have all been so kind. I have only been able to tell 3 people.. so I don't have alot of support , and one of those is the therapist.
> 
> I feel I am on the roller coaster they talk of. My husband seems to want to make it all go away, and it is in the past , let's move on, make it better. I want to say..well fix the past then!
> 
> ...


Our 34th wedding anniversary is coming up this summer - and we dated for 4 years before that. YES, I feel very similar to the way that you do. I've been a part of "Us" for so long that I don't know how to be just "Me".

It's frightening to think about starting your life over at our age. I keep asking myself if I'm better off with him or without him, and weighing the pros and cons only leaves me more confused.

Like you, everything is different now - and I don't believe it will ever be the same again. I try to find joy in the simple things and focus on the blessings in my life - but I don't see him as one of those blessings anymore. He's a source of pain and heartache - he stripped me of all dignity and self esteem - and though somewhere deep inside I still love him, I don't feel like I'm "in love" with him now because I can't trust him.

Some days I want to leave and put this behind me, but after so many years together I know I'll never be able to do that. He's been too much a part of my life for too long - whether I stay or go, it will continue to haunt me - I feel like the one thing I devoted my entire life to is flawed and damaged.

I envy those who say that if they had their lives to live over, they wouldn't change a thing. I would change everything - but since that isn't possible, I'm making the best of the hand I've been dealt. It's not easy - but I've always been a survivor - and I know I will survive this as well.

If I'd known 10 years ago (during the A) what I know now, I might have made different choices for myself - which is where much of my bitterness comes from. I wasn't only cheated on, I was cheated out of the truth and the opportunity to make an informed decision for myself.

Maybe the solution for us is to not expect things to look the same, but embrace the positive things in our lives and move forward expecting highs and lows as part of the process. 

It does help to know I'm not the only one dealing with this at my age - thanks for sharing your story.


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