# One Major Issue...



## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

Well I'll be blunt, we've been married for 18 months, together for almost 3 years... I've worn panties (lingerie) since at least high school. She knew since day one, but refuses to accept it. She said it's nothing to do with conforming to anything, or society, or whatever, it's just how she feels.

That being said, she just "hid" a bunch of my stuff, mostly brand new, name brand and replaced it with "men's." To me, this is very unfair. This is part of me, and she should be more accepting. Especially with how much I do. I do ALL the house work, pay ALL the bills, take care of the cats, while she doesn't do much of anything productive. This is how I am repaid?

How can I get back to wearing what I want to here, without feeling like I have to hide it? This is really frustrating!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She knew about it before marriage? What is her problem then?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She has decided that it isn't manly enough for her.... so you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Period.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> She knew about it before marriage? What is her problem then?


I honestly don't know aside from what I said. Things like this usually stem from some deeper issue, but she said straight up, this is the only issue she has with me. I am literally not comfortable in anything BUT that, and she can't accept it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why did you marry her then? Knowing how she feels about what you do, why was this ok to marry into?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

She wants you to wear the pants in the relationship? To start, maybe you need to even-up the share of responsibilities if you're allowing most things to fall upon your shoulders. She will end up taking you for granted and not respecting you. Perhaps you need to show her how much of a 'man' you are .....and while wearing nice panties.

Just a thought.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why did you marry her then? Knowing how she feels about what you do, why was this ok to marry into?


To be honest, she didn't make a huge deal about it until the last few months. Initially it was like a "ok but don't shove it in my face" kind of mentality.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> She wants you to wear the pants in the relationship? To start, maybe you need to even-up the share of responsibilities if you're allowing most things to fall upon your shoulders. She will end up taking you for granted and not respecting you. Perhaps you need to show her how much of a 'man' you are .....even while wearing nice panties.
> 
> Just a thought.


I'm not sure it's about responsibilities. I do everything because she simply doesn't want to, and I'm so OCD that I can't go without doing chores and whatnot. That was just a comparison.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Is there something you can compromise on here?

When you say "panties" are you talking about some ultra-feminine lingerie, or more utilitarian panties?

Are you wearing them because they fit you better and are more comfortable, or is there some other reason (they turn you on)?

Can you compromise on wearing lingerie that is simple, plain, and fairly non-descript?


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Is there something you can compromise on here?
> 
> When you say "panties" are you talking about some ultra-feminine lingerie, or more utilitarian panties?
> 
> ...


Well, I'm more comfortable in the V.S. pink collection, like lots of people. Honestly, they fit great, they're more comfortable to me, and that's what I like. The compromise was plain colors, but she ended up making me feel stupid about that too.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think it doesn't matter WHY she doesn't care for it.... it is what it is and for many people it's a "biggie". You have to deal with what IS, not what you hope it could be.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I think it doesn't matter WHY she doesn't care for it.... it is what it is and for many people it's a "biggie". You have to deal with what IS, not what you hope it could be.


Point is, she knew it going in, and didn't object to a big part of who I am. Now, over a year into it, it's a HUGE deal.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

yea, if she knew about it going into it, she's just being a big jerk.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ph4yz3 said:


> I'm not sure it's about responsibilities. *I do everything because she simply doesn't want to*, and I'm so OCD that I can't go without doing chores and whatnot. That was just a comparison.


I don't know what it's like to live with someone that's OCD - however if you're doing everything because she simply doesn't want to, that indicates the current dynamic between you. 

I'll admit a mistake on my part though - I originally read your post as that she does accept it, instead of that she refuses to accept it. Sorry, I'll go make myself a coffee now. Okay, so now I'm confused as to why she thinks she could change this behavior in you? You've been open with her all along. Did you ever give her the impression it was a phase? I don't understand this if she knew from the beginning.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> yea, if she knew about it going into it, she's just being a big jerk.


Yeah...


heartsbreaking said:


> I don't know what it's like to live with someone that's OCD - however if you're doing everything because she simply doesn't want to, that indicates the current dynamic between you.
> 
> I'll admit a mistake on my part though - I originally read your post as that she does accept it, instead of that she refuses to accept it. Sorry, I'll go make myself a coffee now. Okay, so now I'm confused as to why she thinks she could change this behavior in you? You've been open with her all along. Did you ever give her the impression it was a phase? I don't understand this if she knew from the beginning.


No worries, caffeine is a glorious thing.

I'm not OCD, but I'm a neat freak, and I have a few cats. So I spend an hour or two a day cleaning while she watches movies. And this is what I get?

I told her that I've worn em since high school, she's known that from the getgo pretty much. She knows it's not a phase, but she wants to stop me from wearing them basically. I'm not exactly poor, so it's not like buying them again isn't hard to do. 

We have these conversations and all she does is feel guilty, give in and storm off. I can't talk to her, because she's so stubborn and won't give in and just accept it. She doesn't wear thongs (like I do), so this is basically like me telling her "stop wearing boyshorts, wear thongs, it's more feminine, or something.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I suggest marriage counseling. Either she accepts this or she doesn't. If she doesn't, I don't know how you guys will survive in a marriage because she's rejecting a part of you.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I suggest marriage counseling. Either she accepts this or she doesn't. If she doesn't, I don't know how you guys will survive in a marriage because she's rejecting a part of you.


Yeah pretty sure it's going to come to that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ph4yz3 said:


> So I spend an hour or two a day cleaning while she watches movies. And this is what I get?


You can't take the victim card in this - I won't let you, it's too easy. You have a part to play in the way she behaves with you. Panties or pants aside, there's more going in with your relationship that needs to be looked at.

If she really can't accept panties and you can't both come to an agreement then in the long run you'll probably need to either choose to stop wearing them, repress this preference but that will probably lead to resentment on your part anyway which will not be healthy for the relationship.... I don't know what the answer is for you. I'm curious though, so are the garments primarily about comfort?


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> You can't take the victim card in this - I won't let you, it's too easy. You have a part to play in the way she behaves with you. Panties or pants aside, there's more going in with your relationship that needs to be looked at.
> 
> If she really can't accept panties and you can't both come to an agreement then in the long run you'll probably need to either choose to stop wearing them, repress this preference but that will probably lead to resentment on your part anyway which will not be healthy for the relationship.... I don't know what the answer is for you. I'm curious though, so are the garments primarily about comfort?


It's getting to the point of being irritated to be honest. It's what makes me feel good about myself and what I've always been comfortable in, for at least 10 years.

But yes, comfort. Material does stretch, especially from Victoria's Secret. I've read that they make some of their stuff to fit men too.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ph4yz3 said:


> It's getting to the point of being irritated to be honest. It's what makes me feel good about myself and what I've always been comfortable in, for at least 10 years.
> 
> But yes, comfort. Material does stretch, especially from Victoria's Secret. I've read that they make some of their stuff to fit men too.


How were you with her in the beginning about it, if she's never been fully accepting but now she's even less so and/or refusing?


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> How were you with her in the beginning about it, if she's never been fully accepting but now she's even less so and/or refusing?


At first, she said she was fine, but over time it progressively got worse, and here we are. Never went about anything different at all. I'm pretty stable as far as my personality goes, I think. Everyone gets moody, that's about as far as I go with instability in that regard.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

ph4yz3 said:


> At first, she said she was fine, but over time it progressively got worse, and here we are. Never went about anything different at all. I'm pretty stable as far as my personality goes, I think. Everyone gets moody, that's about as far as I go with instability in that regard.


I'm speculating in multiple choice format along the lines of:

a) she was fine enough in the beginning but perhaps thought she'd get you to change you over time? 
b) she never really understood/accepted your preference and was partially kidding herself in that she'd be fine with it in the long-term. 
c) other dynamics in the relationship have made her focus even more on this now.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm speculating in multiple choice format along the lines of:
> 
> a) she was fine enough in the beginning but perhaps thought she'd get you to change you over time?
> b) she never really understood/accepted your preference and was partially kidding herself in that she'd be fine with it in the long-term.
> c) other dynamics in the relationship have made her focus even more on this now.


Well...probably b mostly, maybe c, but I haven't figured that out. She said she never said anything until after we got married "because she didn't want to lose me." Given her past, I can understand _that._ Why she doesn't let me be a "grownup" and wear what I'm comfortable in, I will probably never know.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I don't know what it's like to live with someone that's OCD - however if you're doing everything because she simply doesn't want to, that indicates the current dynamic between you.
> 
> I'll admit a mistake on my part though - I originally read your post as that she does accept it, instead of that she refuses to accept it. Sorry, I'll go make myself a coffee now. Okay, so now I'm confused as to why she thinks she could change this behavior in you? You've been open with her all along. Did you ever give her the impression it was a phase? I don't understand this if she knew from the beginning.


My guess is that this is really just a $h!t test (albeit an unusual one). It sounds like you have been deferring to her, placed her on a pedestal, and doing everything for her. As that dynamic has continued, she is pushing you so she can find out where your boundaries are. She has identified an aspect of you that she does not particularly like and is trying to change it (really no different than a wife trying to change any other behavior).

You need to set those boundries and push back. If this is an important part of how you see yourself as both a person and a man, you absolutely need to push back and tell her what she has done is not acceptable.


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> My guess is that this is really just a $h!t test (albeit an unusual one). It sounds like you have been deferring to her, placed her on a pedestal, and doing everything for her. As that dynamic has continued, she is pushing you so she can find out where your boundaries are. She has identified an aspect of you that she does not particularly like and is trying to change it (really no different than a wife trying to change any other behavior).
> 
> You need to set those boundries and push back. If this is an important part of how you see yourself as both a person and a man, you absolutely need to push back and tell her what she has done is not acceptable.


I agree 100%, and I've tried pushing back but it erupts into a HUGE fight. Maybe I'm going about "pushing back" the wrong way? I'm basically saying that this is part of me, like it or not.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Everytime i come on here, i think i will never run into something new... and what... i run into this.

She loves you, she married you, with the thought of... she could either get used to this, or she could eventually break you of this. At this point she realizes neither is going to happen, thus frustration has sat in. Waaaaaaay back in the back of mind, exists what is at the forefront of my mind, you are a dude that wears women's underwear and owns cats. So A + B = C. 

You sound pretty stern that you aren't going to change. At this point, i don't think she will even be able to get over this without resentment. My friend, what you are asking for is alot from any woman to take. Women can deal with men who reads comics books, and watches cartoons. Dressy in her favorite undiess... is a tad more than what they bargained for.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

In the grand scheme of things if she loves you this is not a huge issue. It's not like you're going out in town with low rise jeans and your pink thong showing.

So much more to life than to be upset over that IMO.

I think you have to put your foot down my friend. Let her know the score.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

ph4yz3 said:


> Well I'll be blunt, we've been married for 18 months, together for almost 3 years... I've worn panties (lingerie) since at least high school. She knew since day one, but refuses to accept it. She said it's nothing to do with conforming to anything, or society, or whatever, it's just how she feels.
> 
> That being said, she just "hid" a bunch of my stuff, mostly brand new, name brand and replaced it with "men's." To me, this is very unfair. This is part of me, and she should be more accepting. Especially with how much I do. I do ALL the house work, pay ALL the bills, take care of the cats, while she doesn't do much of anything productive. This is how I am repaid?
> 
> How can I get back to wearing what I want to here, without feeling like I have to hide it? This is really frustrating!


Then my mom got scared.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it is time for you to go find some very nice silk boxer shorts. While I can see that these panties make you feel good and are comfortable, sadly it is not a societal norm for you to wear women's underwear as a man. 
If this is a fetish thing and you want to keep doing it even though your wife has an issue with it, you may need some help to find another focus. 
Are you an alpha male? If you are an alpha male then you need to show her that you are the man. Most of my guy friends would look at me very funny if I pulled down my V.S. Pink collection panties in the men's room at the country club. You wife might be worried about how others perceive you. If you just love the feel of silk then get some nice silk boxers. I love wearing silk boxers every now and then, and my wife loves them too!


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

As I said before, it's a comfort thing. It's what I've always liked. I've told her this.

And I've tried "putting my foot down" but it blows up into a huge fight. So I pretty much just have to get over it and do what she wants.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Maybe she's afraid that you exploring that part of yourself will take you away from her...especially if you're the one doing everything, I'm sure she doesn't want to end up being one of these wives that end up getting burned because their man left them for another man...not saying that's going to happen, but some women can feel threatened by it...I would say try to find out if she is secure in the relationship...start from there...good luck


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## ph4yz3 (Aug 24, 2011)

damiana879 said:


> Maybe she's afraid that you exploring that part of yourself will take you away from her...especially if you're the one doing everything, I'm sure she doesn't want to end up being one of these wives that end up getting burned because their man left them for another man...not saying that's going to happen, but some women can feel threatened by it...I would say try to find out if she is secure in the relationship...start from there...good luck


I think she is, and I was just using the chores thing as a comparison, like I said. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't like it. She said she doesn't even want to be around me when she knows I'm wearing them... which is all the time.


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