# not allowed to know why my wife resents me



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Everything is a big freaking secret! 
I just found out my many years of sexless marriage and very distant relationship are because my wife has deep resentments towards me but I'm not allowed to know about them or discuss them with her. Talking is a big no-no w/her. She won't even go out on a date with me or participate on any of our anniversaries because she despises me so much. Very much full of hate. She's like a stone cold statue. Warm and friendly to her lady friends, her side of the family and the kids but not to me. I'm slowly starting to fall out of love with her. How can I still love somebody deeply who treats me like a stranger?

My wife has avoided me like the plague for many years including starving me of any love, communication, affection & sex... but it's really gotten nasty & bad over the past year. She cringes if I get within a 10ft radius of her but gets pissy if I try to sleep at a hotel. It's like I can't be next to her but I cant leave either.
The problem is she won't tell me anything or why !! EVERYTHING IS A BIG FAT SECRET !!! I'm not allowed to know what it is that I do that bugs her. I have to read her mind... and I suck at that.
I want to make her happy and would easily change for her if there's something I'm doing or did that bugs her or causes her resentment. She won't tell me how I bother her! How can I change in to a man she's attracted to if I don't have a clue what she wants or likes?
I told our local church leader I was ready to leave her so he got her to agree to a meeting with just the 3 of us where he acted as the marriage counselor (like a referee). He got her to tell me her big resentment towards me. (or so I thought)
The resentment was that 13-years ago she overheard me telling my parents on the phone something about our marriage. She can't remember what I even said (and neither can I) but she's still pissed off about how it made her feel. So I thought this little meeting broke the ice and solved the problem.... Wrong!

She still can't let it go! even though I apologized to her over and over and told her I was sorry & wouldnt do it again and asked for her forgiveness. I told her I'd speak w/my folks and tell them I'd no longer be able to tell them about my marraige... and that's just not good enough.

She hinted to me the other day after I really kept after her... and was told there was many many more resentments she has towards me and that she felt I wasnt able to "listen" to them yet

Hell yes I'm ready! fork it out baby...I can take it like a man... lets get this ball rolling so we can be that happy dating couple we used to be...but nope... it's a secret that's locked inside her brain. She wants me to suffer a few more years I guess so she can get off watching me go through hell.

WTF ???

She refuses to tell me how she'd like me to listen even though I ask her to teach me her definition of listening?

Help me out ladies !!! what's my wife talking about???

I AM a good listener. I shut my face when she talks and I hear every word!! because I wan't to make sure the communication chanel is clear so I don't screw it up for another 13yrs.... but now... somehow I'm doing it wrong. What the hell is she talking about??? I can't do this guessing game any more !!!
She tells me that when she feels I'm ready to listen.. then she'll tell me what bothers her. I think there's a whole list a mile long of how I'm not perfect or something. I don't drink, smoke, have affairs, I make good money, I have a sense of humor, i go to church every sunday, I own my own company, I'm a good dad to my 4 kids, I'm a handy man around the house & like home improvement projects, I help w/the house chores, I fix her car, her fridge, her washer, I build her new cabinets, I lay her new tile, I spoil our kids, I give her space if I think she feels the slightest bit smothered by me, I think she enjoys the fringe benefits I bring to the table.

... and so she refuses to tell me what her problem is with me as a punishment for what I've done. She can't forgive. One strike & you're out! You have no idea how bad it sucks to be told your spouse doesn't like you but you're not allowed to know why and that there's nothing you can do about it.

I don't know how much longer I can be married to a person who so repulsed at me she resents the very ground I walk on. I don't want to be married to a room mate. I need good communication from my wife at this time to continue my marriage with her... and it's not happening
She has very high anxiety & I'm thinking she might need a shrink or some medication to help her relax and open up.

Any of you ladies care to give some clueless guy some advice on the mysteries of his woman?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

She wants you to suffer. Its that simple. Mixed in with that, although faint, is that she wants you to love her and she wants to know you care. If you care then you'll suffer. If you leave you're not suffering and you don't care. Its a double whammy for her emotionally. She's trying to get the upper-hand emotionally and she's also trying to get even. Those are the major themes.

Whatever happened in the past was never amended. And other things must have built on top of that for her to be this angry. All events are not isolated. They build on top of each other until its a huge mountain that takes on its own momentum. That one incident, years ago, was never fully amended. Then something else happens and it also was not really healed so it meshes with the past resentment. On and so forth until all these little things snowball into one giant resentment. I'm not saying it was your fault that it wasn't amended, nor that you should have done more, or that you even could have done more. I really have no idea. But the fact remains that it wasn't and so its accumulated.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

I'm in the same boat as you uncool, and yes it sucks. I had it out last night because I couldn't stand the guessing game, and sure enough she couldn't come up with anything other than small things that we never properly dealt with over the last 16 yrs.

Blanca is right about them building into a huge mountain, I guess when someone's as cold as a statue they just don't deal with anything.

It would be easier if they made some sense hey!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You guys have been putting up with this crap for 13 and 16 years?!
I don't think that I would put up with it for a week!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Don't overanalyze it. She's just not into you any more. It happens in a lot of marriages, including mine. And regardless of what the folks on this board will tell you, she won't come back. They never do. I stopped trying (and she's happy about that. she can watch as much TV as she wants without me trying to act like a husband around her). 

Better yourself for you. Get happy. Go out with friends. Maybe you'll even find someone who does like you. Will talk to you and listen to you. Enjoy intimacy with you. You gave your wife first dibs on you (and second, third, fou....). She politely declined each time. You're free to roam

Sorry to break it to you this way.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

DanF said:


> You guys have been putting up with this crap for 13 and 16 years?!
> I don't think that I would put up with it for a week!


I think this type of person bottles up their anger so you just think they were a little pissed and got over it.

I suspect MrK is right, they've just fallen out of love and have no real big reason so you're left guessing.

Let her go uncool, I've started to and you won't believe how different she looks to you after a couple of weeks. It hurts to throw away so much invested time but you can't make someone love you.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, do you have any idea at all for why she might resent you? Have you ever done or said anything over the years that has caused her to feel this way? 

I can understand people having resentment towards another, I can't understand why she would tell you what it is though. I'm assuming she feels its a control thing for her. Maybe in her mind if she has felt she hasn't had any control over much in her life this might be the one thing she has control over. Its not right of course. However, you might need to be making a decision on things soon.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I don't think this has anything to do with you. Oh she made it be about you sure but I'd bet anything her resentment goes back way farther. She's punishing you for something someone else did to her. Healthy people do not hold grudges for 13 years. Hell she can't even remember what was said.

Stone cold statues don't just happen there is a source and my bet is isn't you. That's the good news. The bad news is unless she seeks professional help she is unlikely to change. She refuses to deal with anything so as a result she's written you off. Any and all attempts to get her to open up will be met with great resistance. Better to quit. Use your energy for more productive things. She's done.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Has she always had a resentful attitude towards you? Or is this something that changed over the years?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Wrench said:


> Let her go uncool, I've started to and you won't believe how different she looks to you after a couple of weeks


 i've tried that and sadly... it doesnt work and she loves it



trey69 said:


> do you have any idea at all for why she might resent you? Have you ever done or said anything over the years that has caused her to feel this way?


 I'm sure I have... like I said in my original post... she told me she caught me telling my dad about my marriage one time on the phone 13yrs ago. Shame on me... I'm sorry and made ammends.... but that's not good enough. Yes I'm sure i've done something else to piss her off but who knows what it is... it's a secret.



magnoliagal said:


> I don't think this has anything to do with you. Oh she made it be about you sure but I'd bet anything her resentment goes back way farther. ] She's punishing you for something someone else did to her. Healthy people do not hold grudges for 13 years. Hell she can't even remember what was said.
> ....better to quit. Use your energy for more productive things. She's done.


 *if only I knew for sure that it wasn't me that caused the resentment that would be a big relief 
*yeah i dont think she's healthy... she's got a couple screws loose and is to stubborn to see a shrink
*probably the sad truth is to just give in and divorce her... but i'm here on this board for a reason and that reason is to get my wife back



Jamison said:


> Has she always had a resentful attitude towards you? Or is this something that changed over the years?


 who knows??? it's not like she'll actually talk to me without getting our church leader involved. Its slowly gone from just a sexless marriage with a sweet mannered wife down to sexless marraige w/ an absolute bitter cold resentment filled wife. I don't know how to describe it... it's just the feeling of no love I get from her body language, her words, her attitude, how she sleeps on the couch half the time, how when we do sleep together she comes to bed fully clothed hugging the edge of the bed and avoids going to bed at the same time as me (like I'm really going to even want to try to get any from her... pahhlease!!) I'm the one that should have all the resentment.. not her.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would read dobson's "love must be tough". Its at least a start. MC books have been really good for me. They are cheaper than MC sessions and can be done at any time.

Best of luck.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

anx said:


> I would read dobson's "love must be tough". Its at least a start. MC books have been really good for me. They are cheaper than MC sessions and can be done at any time.
> 
> Best of luck.


thanks I'll add that to the collection of the 14 books I've already bought on the subject. Maybe that one has the key. I'll look in to it thanks.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

uncool said:


> thanks I'll add that to the collection of the 14 books I've already bought on the subject. Maybe that one has the key. I'll look in to it thanks.


I'm kind of in the same place. My story is in my profile, and things have hit the fan again.

I also really enjoyed "sacred marriage" although it doesn't really have anything in there to fix whats going on. 

I'm not even sure what a husband can do other than read MC books, pray hard, and hope. I'm sure your wife probably understands marriage, divorce, a calloused heart, anger, and forgiveness from a religious perspective. I've put 100% into my marriage and its still been very rocky the past 6 months.

I would get a good Christian marriage counselor. We are switching from a secular to Christian MC this week. I pray hard that mountains will move in my wife's heart, and I'll add you to my prayers. 

Best of luck.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Have you ever considered that perhaps she really has no problem and is simply acting like a juvenile? Sorry but a phone conversation 13 years ago is very weak.

Perhaps you need to start treating her like a child and set boundaries for what is or is not acceptable behavior and hold her responsible for her own actions. I’m not saying to be mean, I’m saying be calm but firm just like you would treat a child.

One thing I have learned in my travels is that people don’t grow up, they simply grow old. I have met many people over the years that are well up there in age but have the minds of 6 year old children.

As long as you cater to this sort of behavior, she holds the power in the relationship and is unlikely to change. 

Regards,

rotor


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Magnolia, she cant tell you what the problem is because it is not about you and she knows it. Something may have happened to make her hate men. What was her father like, was there any abuse, and bad past boy friends, traumatic events caused by men?

I don't think you will ever figure out what you did because you did nothing. Let me ask you why you think you love her? In fact, you can't love her and love yourself at the same time. You hate and devalue one of the two of you. 

Her actions are hateful so the negative emotions should be on her. You are being emotionally abused. Please do some reading about emotional abuse so that you recognize what you are in.

Then ask yourself, would I be happier with out her in my life? You have tried for many years, now it is time to give this struggle a pat on the head and let it die.

Prepare yourself to leave this abusive relationship. I say prepare because there is something you are getting out of this, maybe you think you don't deserve to be loved? What ever it is get out of it and work on you so that you never let this happen again.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think she just hates you. Ask her why she hasn't asked for a divorce in all these years.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> What was her father like
> 
> **her father is a very quiet man and according to my mother in law is much the same as my wife the way they both bottle things up inside and won't communicate. So it's either hereditary or else a "learned behavior"*
> 
> ...


**yeah but I have to much invested in this marriage of 17yrs and 4 kids just to walk away. I'm mostly hoping this thread will give me some ideas on how to bust through her resentment or help her forget about her resentment just like I have. There's crap she's done that I've resented but I get over it and don't stew over it for years. Somehow her brain is different and can't do that and hoping somebody on this board can help w/that part*


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I agree with the person who said it probably has nothing or little to do with you. She's probably mad about something else (like how her life turned out) and blames it on you.

Don't take responsibility for her being miserable. If I were you I would tell her that I am fed up with this attitude of hers and I am not going to be to blame that everything that is wrong in her life. She has to take some responsibility for the choices she made. If she doesn't want to try and fix what's wrong in the marriage, so be it. You shouldn't accept her coldness a day longer.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

uncool said:


> i've tried that and sadly... it doesnt work and she loves it


I meant you have to let go of her in your heart, tell her you want a seperation. Do something to snap her out of it so she'll go see a professional about her issues and not end up like her dad.

If you want to stay married to her than you have to do something drastic, you can't make someone work on themselves but you can try motivating them.

Good luck, I know how it feels. I wish mine would open her eyes too.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You can't bust through her resentment if it's not about you. Still betting it's not you btw. The only thing you can do is work on setting boundaries or ask for a separation. Right now she has no reason to seek help or to work on herself. She has all the power and she knows it. She's using it as a club to pound you with.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You told her you wouldn't put up with her behavior--but you have, for 13 years. Why should she believe you?

We are only treated as badly as we let people treat us. She's tied to you for some reason or she would have left by now. She may just be afraid or too lazy to be on her own. Tough S*it. Leave--now. Rent a room, and apartment, whatever. Or, if your state allows it, file for a legal separation tomorrow, move out of the bedroom, and start leading your own life. Tell her that conversations between the two of you will focus on the kids and bills from now on. Once the settlement is legalized, which ever of you does not get to stay in the house will leave, alimony and child support will begin, and any need for conversation will be greatly reduced.

Do not keep hanging on--it just increases her assumption that you are not worth treating better.

But you are worth more. This isn't about her; it's about you. Is this the kind of life you want? Nope. So go out there and make the life you want.

FYI: You took a year to decide if she was what you wanted. It sounds like SHE never took time to decide if you were what SHE wanted--she just wanted to be wanted (she was insecure). She marries and discovers you are not the magical cure all for all her self doubts--like that is your fault? But I see tremendous insecurity in her past and present behavior and unless she deals with it, you won't make a dent toward progress. 

So, it is time to pull on your big boy pants and let her know this game is over. She either meets you in counseling and starts talking, or you file.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

UC,
Do you still say "ILY" daily/frequently? Do you still hug/her touch her? Do you do extra "acts of service" for her? Give her gifts? Compliment her? 

Do you do way more of that for her, than she does for you?

How quickly after marriage did the sex slow down/get really minimal? Was it before any kids, after the first kid, the second, the third, the fourth? 

Who wanted to have 4 kids? Mainly her? Mainly you? Both of you?




uncool said:


> **yeah but I have to much invested in this marriage of 17yrs and 4 kids just to walk away. I'm mostly hoping this thread will give me some ideas on how to bust through her resentment or help her forget about her resentment just like I have. There's crap she's done that I've resented but I get over it and don't stew over it for years. Somehow her brain is different and can't do that and hoping somebody on this board can help w/that part*


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> UC,
> Do you still say "ILY" daily/frequently?
> *not any more because I hated how she sounded when she felt forced to say it back to me. I suppose I could start doing that again if I thought she wanted to hear it*
> 
> ...


*Neither of us planned for 4. she conceives easy. 
She cried the last time she found out she was pregnant while I scratched my head trying go figure when the last time was we even had sex was... lol*


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

uncool said:


> *Neither of us planned for 4. she conceives easy.
> She cried the last time she found out she was pregnant while I scratched my head trying go figure when the last time was we even had sex was... lol*


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is a reason she quickly lost desire. My guess is you were simply "too" nice and not a challenge. I think that is still largely true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

not a challange? we're married for God's sake !
I'm not that nice


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

UC,
This is one big giant guess - so if I am wrong I apologize in advance. Before you respond to my "guess" I want you to think about this. 

Any W who uses a 13 year old resentment she cannot even "remember" the specifics of as the basis for denying sex is flat out lying. Any W who then lays claim to a long list of other grievances but won't disclose them is "flat out lying". 

Your W used sex to get you to marry her. Right afterwards she learned that starving you of sex meant you would try really hard to meet all her needs. And sure you complained about sex - but you kept meeting all her needs. For some women - being able to easily control their mate is a HUGE turnoff. They get addicted to the power - but at the expense of having any desire. 

And you never "cracked the code" to a happy/balanced marriage. And that "code" is simple. You earn respect AND you demand respect. But that means you firmly explain your needs and when they aren't met you steadily deprioritize her, and stop meeting her needs until she realizes that you really see yourself as her equal. 

The "title" of your post is worded the way a "child" talks about their situation. My parents won't "let me" do x,y, z. You aren't "allowed" implies she is in control. This is completely different from saying "my W REFUSES to explain her resentments". Which is a statement of her dysfunction. As opposed to your powerlessness. A powerless male is an unattractive male. 

Getting angry is a sign of weakness. Deprioritizing a badly behaved spouse is a show of strength.

She simply has no respect for you because you don't demand any respect. And a woman is generally unable to mate with a male she does not respect. 



uncool said:


> not a challange? we're married for God's sake !
> I'm not that nice


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

i see where you're going but disagree with my post title being childish etc.
I dont really put up with disrespect like one might think.
I suppose I'll check in to deprioritizing her though she's so stubborn it might backfire, but I'll be thinking about this. Have you tried it with your spouse ?


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## askquestions (Apr 20, 2011)

I might be totally off base here, but I wonder if the anxiety issues you mentioned she has might have something to do with her lack of communication? Perhaps there are a ton of little things that have bothered her over the years, that have piled up into a mountainous mess, and the reason she can't spill is simply the anxiety of getting into it? Perhaps she has some anxiety over the arguments that will inevitably follow, anxiety over the possible outcome, anxiety that inevitably she will be the cause of the end of your marriage? I'm not sure how deep her problem actually goes, but if she has emotional issues like this, could it be the source of her actions?

What she is subjecting you to is absolutely unfair. I applaud you for wanting to get help and wanting to make it work. I just hope that things will either finally be resolved for you, or that you'll be able to find a better situation for yourself. Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

UC,
I have gotten incredibly good results from changing the level of priority I give my wife. It is the most effective way to deal with a problem spouse provided that overall you are a good partner. And overall I am a good partner. 

I am not calling you "childish". I have no desire to insult you in any way. I am saying that you talk about your situation as if you are not an "equal" in the marriage. 

If your W is ignoring your core needs she IS by definition being disrespectful to you. 

Actually - when your W showed no respect for your priorities "sex"/etc. and you chose to continue having children with her, you were sending her a very powerful message that you would tolerate having your needs ignored. 

When you say that "deprioritizing" her might backfire what do you mean by that? It sounds like she is already treating you very badly. What do you have to lose?



uncool said:


> i see where you're going but disagree with my post title being childish etc.
> I dont really put up with disrespect like one might think.
> I suppose I'll check in to deprioritizing her though she's so stubborn it might backfire, but I'll be thinking about this. Have you tried it with your spouse ?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

askquestions said:


> I might be totally off base here, but I wonder if the anxiety issues you mentioned she has might have something to do with her lack of communication? Perhaps there are a ton of little things that have bothered her over the years, that have piled up into a mountainous mess, and the reason she can't spill is simply the anxiety of getting into it? Perhaps she has some anxiety over the arguments that will inevitably follow, anxiety over the possible outcome, anxiety that inevitably she will be the cause of the end of your marriage? I'm not sure how deep her problem actually goes, but if she has emotional issues like this, could it be the source of her actions?
> 
> What she is subjecting you to is absolutely unfair. I applaud you for wanting to get help and wanting to make it work. I just hope that things will either finally be resolved for you, or that you'll be able to find a better situation for yourself. Good luck.


something to consider for sure. Great post thanks!


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> UC,
> I have gotten incredibly good results from changing the level of priority I give my wife. It is the most effective way to deal with a problem spouse provided that overall you are a good partner.


mem can you give me some examples of how u de-prioritized your wife? 
this way I can determine exactly how to do this to my wife. I can start immediately


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Which one of you is the "hot" spouse in your marriage. Read the link below and then answer. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




uncool said:


> mem can you give me some examples of how u de-prioritized your wife?
> this way I can determine exactly how to do this to my wife. I can start immediately


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

uncool said:


> who knows??? it's not like she'll actually talk to me without getting our church leader involved. Its slowly gone from just a sexless marriage with a sweet mannered wife down to sexless marraige w/ an absolute bitter cold resentment filled wife. I don't know how to describe it... it's just the feeling of no love I get from her body language, her words, her attitude, how she sleeps on the couch half the time, how when we do sleep together she comes to bed fully clothed hugging the edge of the bed and avoids going to bed at the same time as me (like I'm really going to even want to try to get any from her... pahhlease!!) I'm the one that should have all the resentment.. not her.


Sounds to me like she is very hurt and doesn't even understand herself why or how to fix it. I act the same way sometimes (how when we do sleep together she comes to bed fully clothed hugging the edge of the bed and avoids going to bed at the same time as me) and I do this because I want him to notice me. To see that I am hurting and touch me and hold me. Read the book His needs her needs. Show her love and touch her, even if she pulls away at first keep trying. She is wanting your attention but doesn't feel loved and valued. 
At least that is how feel...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I wonder if she had or is having an affair. Many unfaithful wives are notoriously cruel to their betrayed husbands. The last thing these women want is to have sex with their husbands.

Have you thought about this possibility?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

confusedwantingmore said:


> Read the book His needs her needs. Show her love and touch her, even if she pulls away at first keep trying. She is wanting your attention but doesn't feel loved and valued.
> At least that is how feel...


yes I bought that book years ago and sadly it didn't apply very well to my situation. 
I would think i'd died and gone to heaven if I thought my wife would even for a second could enjoy me holding her or want to be touched. I have wet dreams of her actually wanting that. My wife does not want me to want her at all. She's doesnt want my attention at all. After at least 10 years of trying to get her to want me to touch her I've thrown in the towel. I have the magic gift of making her turn in to a stone statue.. .all I have to do is touch her. The last time my wife iniated sex was... hmmm lets see... oh yeah... she never has. The last time we had a real kiss together was 8years ago. Do you know how bad I miss having a real kiss that lasts longer than 1/4 second? 2 weeks ago her bare naked toe accidentally touched my bare naked toe while we were in bed and it gave me an erection... lol 
Hell I'd even enjoy a simple conversation about my marriage with my wife. Nothing.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

morituri said:


> I wonder if she had or is having an affair. Many unfaithful wives are notoriously cruel to their betrayed husbands. The last thing these women want is to have sex with their husbands.
> 
> Have you thought about this possibility?


 no, I'm absolutely 100% sure she's not having an affair. But thanks for being concerned.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

uncool said:


> no, I'm absolutely 100% sure she's not having an affair. But thanks for being concerned.


I was going to ask the same question. 

Otherwise, there may be something that SHE did that she is greatly ashamed of. Instead of living up to that and the concequences, she can make it all about you and a phone call you make 13 years ago. LOL

after 13 years of hinding, she is now even deeper than she was when she stared. 

I think the real answer is that you have some part in this, but instead of doing anything about her part, she is willing to shift all the blame to you. I'm almost positive that in her head she tells herself every time that you are the one to blame for all of this and that what she did (what she is doing now and maybe some secret in the past) is justified based on that. 

I think you do need to do something drastic. That might mean forcing her to move out and informing friends (church and otherwise ) of the situation if it doesn't improve. Really shake up her life.

The only reason she has been able to keep this up is she has been allowed to. Start having her deal with the consequences of her actions. Theres no marriage left for you at this point until she changes. Force that change.


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## Imas (Apr 25, 2011)

thats one hell of a life. going back home to a statue and no one to talk too or discuss any problems. No feelings, nothing.. I can see you are holding on for the kids and nothing else. You really should do something about it, marriage councler, get her high, take her for a new Honey moon, something...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's kind of liberating though. You're pretty much free to say or do whatever you like. What's she going to do? Stony silence? Oh, that's so 5 minutes ago honey.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Uncool, unfortunately I became a bit of an expert about living with a wife who hung onto her resentment. A lot of focus is normally applied to the person who has the resentment but not much on the person who’s living with them and the affect it has on their wellbeing.

I came to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing, zilch, zero, I could do about my wife’s resentment. It mattered not one iota how good a husband I was, what I did for her etc. etc. Always she would bring something up from the past which slowly but surely destroyed our relationship and then our marriage.

Funny thing is I probably had at least the same or more reasons to be resentful towards my wife. But whereas I’m a forgiving person, my stbx isn’t. I think those things are learnt and ingrained from our childhood.

Research terms like “victim thinking” and “victim mentality”. But say to yourself “There is not one thing I can do about my wife’s resentment of me”. And then think on what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with your wife.

Bob


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Resentment over a phone conversation 13yrs ago. Just can't see it. I agree with several of the replies on here, there is something else going on. For one, hot for sex before the marriage then quickly turning cold...this may of been a conscience or sub-conscience act of 'now i got him, I do not need to keep doing this anymore.' She wanted you to marry her, therefore acted accordingly. 

As bad as my man has treated me in the past and in the present, I could never act this way towards him. 13yrs of the cold shoulder is just speaking volumes to the make-up of her personality. Please don't be offended, I'm sorry to bash your wife's demeanor, but either a trauma happened to her, or this is a hereditary behavior, either of which is not your fault and will take some counseling on her part to fix.

I agree with several posters on here, you need to shake things up a bit. Do not keep allowing her to treat you in this way. It is not only bad for your wellbeing but her own. Imagine living with this coldness in your heart for the person you share a life with, she must be miserable, and misery loves company (hence making you miserable). I think she must of been an unhappy person before you guys married, she may have been putting up some kind of front, thinking marriage will make her happy, and when it didn't erase the depression, she turned cold to you, put the blame on you that way she didn't have to add to her misery by admitting it is her all along.

I really do not think her resentments are with you. Who knows the resentment she feels may be self-resentment projected onto you. Either way she needs help, otherwise you will have several sad yrs ahead of you. Take some action, tell her to seek help for these issues or you will be filing for separation. 

If you truly think it would be better to stay in the marriage for the children's sake (I understand this, this is why I stay) then think to the future when the kids are grown...then jump ship! I know it is a long time, but you've already endured 13yrs of this, so either you stick it out or when it just gets too unbearable, get out. 

The bottom line is she needs to seek help for HER issues, if she doesn't do this, I do not see anyway to make your relationship a happy one

Wishing you luck-
Stumble


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I think she seeking attention from you and when w woman says nothing's wrong but her action says it all then it means something's wrong. If she doesn't want to talk about it then just let it go in my opinion. Try to have a fresh start. start flirting with her, take charge, take her out for a romantic dinner (not just once), give her flowers,etc. If this doesn't work then maybe she doesn't love you anymore?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Research terms like “victim thinking” and “victim mentality”. But say to yourself “There is not one thing I can do about my wife’s resentment of me”. And then think on what the rest of your life will be like if you stay with your wife.
> Bob


 I'll research those terms you mentioned. 
Bob, thanks for your post. It's nice to know somebody out there can relate to me



stumblealong said:


> She wanted you to marry her, therefore acted accordingly.
> 
> Please don't be offended, I'm sorry to bash your wife's demeanor **i'm not offended* but either a trauma happened to her, or this is a hereditary behavior, **probably both* either of which is not your fault and will take some counseling on her part to fix. **she has been to counseling but it's either not working or it's moving at such a slow pace that I don't see it working
> *
> ...


 great post ! (my comments are in bold above)



bunnybear said:


> take her out for a romantic dinner (not just once), give her flowers,etc. If this doesn't work then maybe she doesn't love you anymore?


 whenever i give her flower she says "thanks" and that's it. She won't go out with me to dinner or on any kind of date... so that's out of the question
Yes I'm convinced she doesnt love me any more.. but I think I can get her back if I threaten to leave. That's the one power I hold over her that I think she's scared to death over. I've never had a problem meeting and getting women and she knows that. She knows that people will think she's an idiot if she looses me. It's a very fine game of balance right now between us. She does just barely enough to keep me here. Right when i'm ready to leave she does something nice. ARGGGG !!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Resentment*

Bob,
This is a great post. Mostly my W fights "fair". However I get the occasional "I am NEVER going to get over "this" - whatever "this" is". And my response to that is very consistent. 

"NEVER is a big word. A really big word. If I have broken the marriage I accept that". 

And it turns out that "NEVER" typically lasts 1-3 days after which I usually get some variation of "I am sorry for being temporarily crazy". To which I respond "I am genuinely sorry I did "x, y, z" and will work hard not to do that again". 

Because there is always a real trigger event in these situations. She is not reacting to "nothing", rather she is grossly over reacting to "something". Still the "something" is important to her, so I make addressing it on a go forward basis important to me. 

One night she had a broad based melt down about 20 years of "stuff". Quite educational actually. I listened. I told her how sorry I was that me and my family just being "us" had caused her to feel so anxious/insecure. It was hard to listen to - I felt sad for her that she saw things so differently than the rest of us did. Finally sleep came and in the morning the sun rose and with it more madness. By afternoon sanity returned and as night fell love returned. 

During all that turmoil I only got angry once - and that for just a few minutes. She came up and straddled me while I was on a reading chair. I followed her back to the master bath and rubbed up against her from behind. She suddenly erupted - accused me of groping her. I said - so you come and straddle me - you throw gasoline on a fire and then claim surprise when the flames rise. Don't EVER tease me - EVER. And she apologized. Equally important, later that night she rode me to exhaustion. 

Resentments. You gotta luv em..... 



AFEH said:


> Uncool, unfortunately I became a bit of an expert about living with a wife who hung onto her resentment. A lot of focus is normally applied to the person who has the resentment but not much on the person who’s living with them and the affect it has on their wellbeing.
> 
> I came to the conclusion that there was absolutely nothing, zilch, zero, I could do about my wife’s resentment. It mattered not one iota how good a husband I was, what I did for her etc. etc. Always she would bring something up from the past which slowly but surely destroyed our relationship and then our marriage.
> 
> ...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

uncool said:


> I'll research those terms you mentioned.
> Bob, thanks for your post. It's nice to know somebody out there can relate to me


Uncool, your wife probably has exceedingly low self-esteem. A person with high self-esteem can readily admit to their own mistakes not only to themselves but to others as well. Whereas a person with low self-esteem cannot admit to their own mistakes. It gives others the impression that the low self-esteem person has a massive need to be seen as “perfect” yet we all know perfection simply does not exist.

If you feel “worthless” in your wife’s eyes, if you feel almost totally unappreciated and that your wife has a great lack of gratitude about what you do for her then you are living with a “self made victim”.

And I’m sorry to say the longer you stay with her the more you will feel that way. Believe it or not these self made victims actually get worse as they age. It will simply not get “better”. Life is far too short to live that way.

Bob


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Uncool, your wife probably has exceedingly low self-esteem.


oddly enough she has quite high self esteem and is very confident in herself.
The last 2 days I've been trying new tactics. I left the computer screen up on a website for apartment floorplans and monthly rental rates for a local apartment complex. I went to a movie by myself (again) and left the movie ticket stubs on the dresser where she could see them. I took only the kids out to dinner (she doesnt like to go out anyway so why bother). Anyways just last night in bed she clamped on to my arm and said "can you be patient with me?, I'm trying to work on some things". Wow, I know this might sound lame to some but it was very victorious to me. The fact that they see you can actually move on and be happy without them seems to maybe initiate a wake-up of some sort. I guess we'll see if it continues or if it nose dives again like it usually does. But something little like this gives me positive confidence that will carry me through the next few days at least.
Hang in there Bob and try mixing it up a little. Make her know that you're still the boss of yourself.

good luck my friend


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> very victorious to me.


I agree. Its at least an improvement from what happened before. 

You guys NEED to be in MC though to get past this. Keep up with the sessions you are going to or get started in new ones asap.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

uncool said:


> oddly enough she has quite high self esteem and is very confident in herself.
> The last 2 days I've been trying new tactics. I left the computer screen up on a website for apartment floorplans and monthly rental rates for a local apartment complex. I went to a movie by myself (again) and left the movie ticket stubs on the dresser where she could see them. I took only the kids out to dinner (she doesnt like to go out anyway so why bother). Anyways just last night in bed she clamped on to my arm and said "can you be patient with me?, I'm trying to work on some things". Wow, I know this might sound lame to some but it was very victorious to me. The fact that they see you can actually move on and be happy without them seems to maybe initiate a wake-up of some sort. I guess we'll see if it continues or if it nose dives again like it usually does. But something little like this gives me positive confidence that will carry me through the next few days at least.
> Hang in there Bob and try mixing it up a little. Make her know that you're still the boss of yourself.
> 
> good luck my friend


Thanks for the well wishes Uncool but I had enough of my wife’s historical episodes at the end of 2009 and simply couldn’t face any more.

Good luck with your endeavours.

Bob


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Wow uncool. Looks like a have some parrallels to you. I also have 4 children. My wife is extremely resentful and angry towards me for a lot of things. Things she still has trouble telling me. My wife also seems as though her self esteem is high and she if very independent/strong. On the outside. What you find is that somewhere down there is a very scared little girl. She has been wounded, and she has most likely brought this woundedness into your marriage. Of all the things I would have said about my wife, I would have NEVER contemplated low self esteeem. In my first individual session with our marriage therapist, I was told that my wife could not love me right now because she does not love herself. This caused her to totally "play the victim". She slammed me to friends a built a case to show how "terrible" I have been so they would agree with her that divorce was an option. (this is after marriage counseling started)

Of course, let me say this. You have the ability th help her with the self esteem. First thing you are going to have to do is find your manhood. I read, "Fathered by God". You are going to have to focus on changing yourself and becoming happy with who you are. You will not be appreciated for what you do by her. Trust me. I've been living it. It has taken 7 months of individual therapy for her to come out of her funk. You can tell she has changed. She smiles alot, and is starting to appreciate herself for what she brings to the table. I even get "thank you's" for stuff I do for her. It is changing. Once you start becoming the man you have the potential to be, you transition into the book, "Building Your mate's self esteem" by Dennis Rainey. Excellent book that will help you get practical ways to help her. Then, once I started to impletment all of this, I moved on to "winning your wife back before it's too late" by Gary Smalley. The key here is you have to find a way to find victory regardless of her. Her problem is a "heart" issue. She needs help of a very talented professional. I suggest a faith based individual counselor until you guys can come together in a productive joint atmosphere. Fix you, because while she has issues, you would not be here posting if you would have done things correctly. Humility will bring results. Remain teachable. It's time for you to become a complete individual.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

uncool said:


> thanks I'll add that to the collection of the *14 books I've already bought on the subject*. Maybe that one has the key. I'll look in to it thanks.


Sorry - and no offense - but I call foul.

If you had really bought, read, and ENACTED what was told to you in those 14 books, YOU would have changed yourself by now and you wouldn't be in this boat.

This isn't about her, unfortunately.

This is about you understanding what your boundaries are and not letting your spouse trample them.

What's going to fix this? 

You leaving. Or asking her to leave. Sorry, but she likes where she's at. You're paying for her to have a great life, and she gets to do whatever she wants and not mess with you, because you have no boundaries. She may have even found some other man to give her what she thinks you can't.

The only thing at this point that will have an effect is her is you telling her you won't accept the marriage as is. At that point, she can decide to go into therapy with you to fix the issues, or she can lose you. Are you ready to do this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

uncool said:


> oddly enough she has quite high self esteem and is very confident in herself.
> The last 2 days I've been trying new tactics. I left the computer screen up on a website for apartment floorplans and monthly rental rates for a local apartment complex. I went to a movie by myself (again) and left the movie ticket stubs on the dresser where she could see them. I took only the kids out to dinner (she doesnt like to go out anyway so why bother).


I'm glad these things are working, but I need to point out that these are passive aggressive methods. Meaning, you're too afraid to just go out and confront her with it, tell her you WILL leave, ask for a resolution, so you do little hints all over the place hoping SHE will do the work so you don't have to.

They don't make you look very strong, and right now the only thing she needs to see from you is strength.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Wow uncool. Looks like a have some parrallels to you. I also have 4 children. My wife is extremely resentful and angry towards me for a lot of things. Things she still has trouble telling me. My wife also seems as though her self esteem is high and she if very independent/strong. On the outside. What you find is that somewhere down there is a very scared little girl. She has been wounded, and she has most likely brought this woundedness into your marriage. Of all the things I would have said about my wife, I would have NEVER contemplated low self esteeem. In my first individual session with our marriage therapist, I was told that my wife could not love me right now because she does not love herself. This caused her to totally "play the victim". She slammed me to friends a built a case to show how "terrible" I have been so they would agree with her that divorce was an option. (this is after marriage counseling started)
> 
> Of course, let me say this. You have the ability th help her with the self esteem. First thing you are going to have to do is find your manhood. I read, "Fathered by God". You are going to have to focus on changing yourself and becoming happy with who you are. You will not be appreciated for what you do by her. Trust me. I've been living it. It has taken 7 months of individual therapy for her to come out of her funk. You can tell she has changed. She smiles alot, and is starting to appreciate herself for what she brings to the table. I even get "thank you's" for stuff I do for her. It is changing. Once you start becoming the man you have the potential to be, you transition into the book, "Building Your mate's self esteem" by Dennis Rainey. Excellent book that will help you get practical ways to help her. Then, once I started to impletment all of this, I moved on to "winning your wife back before it's too late" by Gary Smalley. The key here is you have to find a way to find victory regardless of her. Her problem is a "heart" issue. She needs help of a very talented professional. I suggest a faith based individual counselor until you guys can come together in a productive joint atmosphere. Fix you, because while she has issues, you would not be here posting if you would have done things correctly. Humility will bring results. Remain teachable. It's time for you to become a complete individual.


 Excellent advice.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> They don't make you look very strong, and right now the only thing she needs to see from you is strength.


I cannot emphasize this enough. Turnera is right. Not only does she need to see it, but then she has to start to have faith to trust in it. That only comes through consistently showing strength. The problem you have, though, is you have no strength. If you tried to show it, it would come across as hollow. She would see it.  This is a process and things aren't going to get better until you become uniquely divided from her. Meaning, you don't need her to validate your activities or you don't do things for the reasons of getting a result or reaction from her. 

See. YOU are the leader. She has been dictating your lives to you. Be humble, face the change you need to make. Then, when you make it, DO NOT FALL TO PRIDE because you love how "strong" you have gotten. The most attractive thing in a man is to be uniquely strong, but yet humble. You have let her, your kids, and you down by not becoming who you were born to be. It's not too late, though. You can do this, however, you have to find the will WITHIN YOU. You can PM me if you need help.


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## Mommiex2 (May 3, 2011)

She sounds a little like my husband. She likes being miserable. She looks for things to continue that misery. And if it can make YOU miserable too...then that's even better. I'm sorry you are getting treated this way. It doesnt feel good to bust your rear end for someone to express how You feel about them...only to be mistreated in return.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Mommiex2 said:


> She sounds a little like my husband. She likes being miserable. She looks for things to continue that misery. And if it can make YOU miserable too...then that's even better. I'm sorry you are getting treated this way. It doesnt feel good to bust your rear end for someone to express how You feel about them...only to be mistreated in return.


Indubitably. Some people aren't 'fixable'. They are quite happy being narcissistic martyrs bent on making the whole world feel as sorry for them as they do. And the more you try the more miserable they want both of you to be. It's not quite sadism but it's something like that. Mostly it's wallowing in self pity. I bet if you found childhood pictures of them they'd be scowling and frowning. At first it seems cute but then you realize there's something amiss there.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uncool said:


> oddly enough she has quite high self esteem and is very confident in herself.


I genreally agree with all that AHEF and MEM says on here- but I did not read all of these posts. Ok, then her self esteem is SO darn HIGH , she has absolutely NO need for YOU, or anyone else in her life. She is a self made Queen who is not accountable to NOONE , expects others to worship at her feet while she barks out her demands, and like having a collor around your neck in S & M , you are not allowed to speak unless she gives you permission. Throwing you a crumb wherever she gets the whim. (sorry this is how I was envisioing your marraige given the way she has you by the balls)

This is just as much a Tradgedy as having LOW self esteem (if you want to call this High), more like Self-love and everyone else be damned, but she is not "mentally healthy" at all -whatever her self -esteem is. 

WHY do you stay with this? Starving of Love, affection, communication and sex ! And on top of this , you don't have the RIGHT to know why she is pi**sed off ?

I see Deal Breaker written all over this marraige X 4 , Leave her, gain a life.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are too tied up in her reaction. Go out, do your stuff. Who cares if she notices? This is for YOU, to have a life, to enjoy that life. If she decides she wants to come along for some of the fun, fine. But quit looking for her to notice, for some sign of "approval." The more independent of her you become--not "seem," notice, but actually become--the happier you will be, and the more attractive you become, too. She might not appreciate it, but someone will.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Uncool,

I think this whole resentment business is a scam. You put her on the spot and she said the first thing she could think of that made sense (to her). I have more than a little experience with resentment and I assure you that the resentful person has no question in their mind why they are resentful and they are not bashful about sharing when and how they were wronged. It sounds like your w is inventing a plausible reason to explain a situation she knows is not good but she is comfortable with nonetheless.

Unfortunately, we probably have deeper and more indistinct issues. My humble opinion is that there is some kind of emotional block regarding intimacy. She is never going to work this out by herself and your help is essential. The fact that she shows an interest in improvement is encouraging but not sufficient. It is quite possible that she can be outstanding in non-intimate relationships and doa in your marriage. This is heady stuff and not easy to work out on your own. Find a professional counselor get over any idea that it is about you or anything you did or did not do.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> I have more than a little experience with resentment and I assure you that the resentful person has no question in their mind why they are resentful and they are not bashful about sharing when and how they were wronged.





> If you feel “worthless” in your wife’s eyes, if you feel almost totally unappreciated and that your wife has a great lack of gratitude about what you do for her then you are living with a “self made victim”.


I second both of these points. I'm not sure it really matters though. Even if you could read her mind, I doubt that she even knows whats going on. 

Usually, the reason things get out of hand is that we have a mental blind spot to something and let it get out of control. She justified her actions somehow, and I doubt that even she knew the obvious consequences of her actions.

I HIGHLY doubt that she thought "i'll build up resentment over this small issue knowing it will kill our relationship".

Something else is going on here, and I agree with the self esteem angle. Although people put on a good show, whats inside can be the polar opposite. 

I had panic attacks and depression for almost 2 years and I had some really good friends who never would have guessed. Even if I had been having an hour long panic attack and extremely depressed, there can be zero external signs. Also, I really had no idea what caused my anxiety or how to get past it without profession help and meds to break the cycle.

Best of luck


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

RealMarriageSolutions.com said:


> Let me know if I got it right.


 like u put hidden camera's in my house. Wow yes you got most of it right ! but instead of me feeling anxiety ... it's my wife who has the anxiety. Lately I feel guilty pleasure of being excited about the possibility of meeting somebody new or possibly cheating to fill the void... or at least finding somebody to go out on a date with or just hang out (since my wife hates going out)



Ten_year_hubby said:


> She is never going to work this out by herself and your help is essential. It is quite possible that she can be outstanding in non-intimate relationships and doa in your marriage.


 Bingo ! I have people all the time say how lucky I am to have somebody like her as a wife and how awesome and compassionate she is to them (I just bite my tongue and agree with them... because it makes political sense)



anx said:


> Even if I had been having an hour long panic attack and extremely depressed, there can be zero external signs. Also, I really had no idea what caused my anxiety or how to get past it without profession help and meds to break the cycle.


I agree she needs more help. I was actually quite surprised she went to a counselor 3-times by herself a few months ago (after our church leader interviewed her and insisted she went of course) I'd have faith she'd get more professional help if she wasnt so damn stubborn and strong willed


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She has no reason to, if you accept the status quo.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

turnera said:


> She has no reason to, if you accept the status quo.


 short & well said. This gives me something to think about in a different perspective. Thanks!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wow. Uncool...this is way too uncool.

I can't believe you went 13 years like this. 

I have a simple answer, because I agree you are being passive aggressive in your response...and you seem scared to just tell her how it is.

So....tell her to shape up or ship out. You have let your boundaries be trampled upon for 13 years. You need to take a stand. Her "emotional problems" or not...this has been unacceptable. She needs to own her own issues. Enough of you Pu$$y footing around her problems for fear of rocking the boat. The boats been rocked...now it's sinking (for a while now).

How is this affecting the kids? What you are teaching your kids is that this is the way married couples interact. The women treat thier husbands with zero respect, and the men take it like little puppy dogs. Is this a legacy you want repeating into the next generation? 

Time to take back your NUTS, my friend. No one should live like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Wow this was a long time ago but this is my exact situation. Kind of scary really. Anyway, I would love to know how things are going? I have a feeling I know and therefore can predict how my situation will end up too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Observer, look at the last post dates on threads. This one is 2 years old.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

Observer said:


> Wow this was a long time ago but this is my exact situation. Kind of scary really. Anyway, I would love to know how things are going? I have a feeling I know and therefore can predict how my situation will end up too.


Observer thanks for PM-ing me. This emailed me and I was brought back to the forum to relive my past posts.



turnera said:


> Observer, look at the last post dates on threads. This one is 2 years old.


yes but I'm still here !


So I've been through and learned a lot in the last year or so since my posts. 
So I had finally had enough of being emotionally trampled and I moved out. My wife was so disconnected from me that I was gone for a whole week before she even knew I left. That's right I bailed, separated and contacted a divorce attorney. My wife was such a ***** that she wouldn't even talk with me so I could explain I was leaving her. I had no choice. My back was against the wall and it was taking a toll on my professional life. She was literally beating the crap out of me. So I left her an "I'm leaving you" letter and put it in her underwear drawer a week after I left just so she'd know I was gone. I began to be excited about being gone. The single divorced ladies in my new apartment complex started noticing me. My confidence soared!
On a business flight I sat next to a very attractive intelligent O.R. nurse who had never been married. (did I mention she was very pretty?) She noticed my tan line on my finger where my wedding ring had been and asked if my wife was joining me. When she found out I was getting a divorce she very politely asked me to contact her when the divorce was over. Wow I still had it ! My confidence soared again! I still missed my wife though

I spent about a hundred bucks or so on a program that teaches guys how to be attractive to their wives again. I'm not here advertising for them so pm me if you want to know about it. 
I learned how easy it is to turn women off and how not to be a wimp.

I eventually began to fall out of love with my wife. It was hard to do but I had to do it. I had to remember all the nasty horrible things she did and said to me... how those things made her ugly to me. The lack of udder disrespect she shows towards me was appauling. How could I be head over heals for someone who treated me like a pile of dog crap? I was disgusted with myself for wanting to even be with her all these years. 

So yes... my wife came to my work office and begged me to come back. She finally communicated with me. She told me what I had done 10yrs earlier that offended her. (wish she would have told me sooner)
I don't know if my wife realized that I'm really a great catch... or if she was attracted to me more now that I'm not as attracted to here anymore or what ... but she started showing interest in me again.
She started snuggling up to me in our bed. I should like this right? but I didn't. I was and still am turned off and have a hard time diving back in to that again. I don't trust her or love her on as deep of level any more. I feel she's doing it to avoid divorce so the kids don't freak out and so she doesn't look stupid to her relatives.

Is everything fixed and better? No
My wife gives me more respect now but absolutely hates sex still. I'm not afraid to talk back to her and put her in her place now if she gets out of hand. Like there's nothing to loose. She is however more pleasant to be around now and does nice little things for me that shows she cares... like laundry and cooking. There's just no sex. Period. She only had sex with me after I moved back in to help me stay put. Just before the holidays I hinted one night that I'd like some sex. She said ok if she really has to. So things are starting to slide again between us. Next time I move out it will be for good. 
My wife recently found out she has a thyroid disease called hashimotos. She is doing meds now that she says have mostly fixed it. She read that one of the symptoms of her condition is a decreased libido. Sadly she uses this as an excuse to avoid sex. She needs something to tell her she doesn't have to have sex.. and she thinks she's found it. I don't pressure her for sex at all. I just do everything right and it doesn't happen. I can't and don't love her deeply any more. She hasn't shown me she's worthy of me.
I have an old high school girlfriend that is single now pings me emails that keeps my confidence up and keeps me strong. If it weren't for her I'd probably be a mess. I feel I could dump my wife and marry her in a heart beat if I wanted to. And if I didn't have 4 kids I would.

So things are the same but different. Thanks to "Observer" for digging me up !


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry, but I don't understand. Why are you still with her? So you can teach your kids how to find and marry an unloving partner?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I can't and don't love her deeply any more. She hasn't shown me she's worthy of me.


And you expect her to "want" to have sex with you ?



> Just before the holidays I hinted one night that I'd like some sex.


I'm sorry this sounds like you are ordering off a menu.



> I don't pressure her for sex at all. I just do everything right and it doesn't happen.


Maybe you are just venting but I'm sorry I find this hard to believe.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> And you expect her to "want" to have sex with you ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I believe it. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, if she no longer has interest or loves you it really makes no difference what we do. 

My wife has not wanted to kiss me for like 10 years. Our sex life is the same as uncool describes. Christ forget sex, I would be happy just being able to hold her but she moves away as soon I try...like I'm poison. 

So sometimes it has nothing to do with us. My wife even admits it's not me, it's her. I say great...where does that leave me? I am asked to be patient while she lives a completely seperate life and treats me like a stranger. It's afftected my work and my mental state. 18 years invested and now I'm thrown out like yesterdays garbage? I understand I did things in the past that were hurtful, but if I can never atone for those sins then why keep me hanging on...why not just leave? It's very, very cruel.

It is what it is though, I've accepted my fate. It hurts a ton but I see the light uncool. I appreciate you letting me know how things ended up, sounds like not much has changed. I salute you for fighting the good fight and doing the best you could.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

turnera said:


> Sorry, but I don't understand. Why are you still with her? So you can teach your kids how to find and marry an unloving partner?


Probably because he knows he will be the one who has to leave his kids tunera. I wrestle with this deeply. If I say my kids are the most important thing, and then proceed to leave...disrupting their lives, causing pain...does my statement stand true? Am I not putting my own needs and wants ahead of my children? Kids don't understand relationships or love, they have no way of empathizing with my situation. All they know is their dad is not there to spend time with them.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I believe it. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, if she no longer has interest or loves you it really makes no difference what we do.


I understand that part.But I guess I was thinking part of doing everything "right" isn't having an attitude or belief you are basically too good for your spouse.That they are unworthy of you .At the same time you are asking them to love you .Do you see how that's not 'no matter what I do"?I'm better than you ..you don't even deserve me ..you should be grateful I would even permit you to even be with me..now come over here and show me the love you aren't even worthy of me accepting and be grateful for it?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sorry I am at a loss of what to say after reading this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Observer said:


> Probably because he knows he will be the one who has to leave his kids tunera. I wrestle with this deeply. If I say my kids are the most important thing, and then proceed to leave...disrupting their lives, causing pain...does my statement stand true? Am I not putting my own needs and wants ahead of my children? Kids don't understand relationships or love, they have no way of empathizing with my situation. All they know is their dad is not there to spend time with them.


 Staying in one home when THERE IS NO LOVE IN THAT HOME is NOT staying for the kids. That just ensures that THEY, too, will marry unloving spouses - they have to; it's all they see in THEIR home.

Staying is a selfish act because YOU don't want to lose part of your kids' time.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

askquestions said:


> I might be totally off base here, but I wonder if the anxiety issues you mentioned she has might have something to do with her lack of communication? Perhaps there are a ton of little things that have bothered her over the years, that have piled up into a mountainous mess, and the reason she can't spill is simply the anxiety of getting into it? Perhaps she has some anxiety over the arguments that will inevitably follow, anxiety over the possible outcome, anxiety that inevitably she will be the cause of the end of your marriage? I'm not sure how deep her problem actually goes, but if she has emotional issues like this, could it be the source of her actions?
> 
> What she is subjecting you to is absolutely unfair. I applaud you for wanting to get help and wanting to make it work. I just hope that things will either finally be resolved for you, or that you'll be able to find a better situation for yourself. Good luck.



I think you nailed it. She has no coping skills and avoids conflict for years on end. She probably doesn't even know why she's angry most of the time. This is the only way she knows how to behave and could be the child of alcoholics.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> And you expect her to "want" to have sex with you ?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sure I'd love some sex. She's a very beautiful and physically attractive woman. I'd love sex because it would tell me she likes me. 
Yes, I've forced myself to fall out of deep love with her for 2 reasons (1) I don't want to be Mr. Needy anymore. Women are not attracted to men who are this way. They want a man to be a man and not act like an emotional woman. I've learned it's wrong to be so head over heals for your wife that it turns her off. (2) She's done such hurtful things to me the last couple of years that I can't possibly give her that much of my heart again. I can't open myself up to that level of hurt again. She needs to show me she deserves a deeper love from me.... and right now she hasn't really shown me that.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sorry, but I don't understand. Why are you still with her?


 4 reasons. 
I suppose there is a small chance it could work out. 
Maybe her meds will kick in and change her back to the woman I initially married. 
I don't want to be without my 4 kids now that they are in their teenage years.
To early to tell if the self medicating marriage counseling program I purchased will work or not.



dallasapple said:


> I guess I was thinking part of doing everything "right" isn't having an attitude or belief you are basically too good for your spouse. *Um no... please don't choose words out for me that I didn't say. *That they are unworthy of you. At the same time you are asking them to love you .Do you see how that's not 'no matter what I do"? I'm better than you *nope you got that wrong because that's not what I'm saying*..you don't even deserve me ..you should be grateful I would even permit you to even be with me..now come over here and show me the love you aren't even worthy of me accepting and be grateful for it?


you got most of this wrong... I'm not trying to be a ****. She has complete total control of the marriage up until I moved out in to an apartment. Suddenly she started realizing that I might not put up with her crap and that she possibly would have to look for a new man. I had to reach the point in my mind where if she didn't beg me to come back that I'd be ok with it.
But you're right however that she is unworthy of me at the moment. If she doesn't shape up and give me the respect I've earned being her man then I will be forced to give the title of "wife" to someone else. If a man does everything he possibly can to provide and uplift his woman including respect, love, protection, provisions, etc... and all she does is TAKE, TAKE, TAKE, TAKE and absolutely nothing in return.... then she's at risk of loosing her husband. I feel I am transitioning to a better man right now. If my wife has absolutely no respect, forgiveness, love, sex, spirituality, friendship or anything to give in return, then I will replace her. It will be hard... but I have to do it to maintain my sanity and to keep my man card.



turnera said:


> Staying in one home when THERE IS NO LOVE IN THAT HOME is NOT staying for the kids. That just ensures that THEY, too, will marry unloving spouses - they have to; it's all they see in THEIR home.
> 
> Staying is a selfish act because YOU don't want to lose part of your kids' time.


 I actually agree with you. My wife is an expert at playing the game of doing just enough to give me false hope... just enough to keep me from leaving again. But leaving is a process



Enginerd said:


> I think you nailed it. She has no coping skills and avoids conflict for years on end. She probably doesn't even know why she's angry most of the time. This is the only way she knows how to behave and could be the child of alcoholics.


 You couldn't have said it better only there was no alcohol in her home growing up .. nor is there any in our home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a person hangs on to anger for along time it's usually because they feel that the anger is giving them power. 

Your wife is abusive of you. Emotional abuse is about control and power in the marriage. She has to keep up her good image though to people outside of the marriage so she is passive agressive.

The nonsense that she will not tell you what's wrong because you will not understand it and she will let you know when you are ready to understand it.. Yikes. 

I'm glad that you see things for what they are and that you are ready to move on.


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

nailed it
thanks for the uplifting female perspective. I needed that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

uncool said:


> I don't want to be without my 4 kids now that they are in their teenage years.


I can relate to that. I stayed and planned to leave when DD22 graduated high school. 

So start planning your exit.


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