# How do I talk to my defensive husband about his obsession?



## LadyWolf15 (May 18, 2012)

Hi, I am new to this site and forum but have read many good posts with wonderful advice and I'm hoping I can find some good advice as well. Talking with my coworkers about my problems just doesn't seem to be helping. Just a brief background: I am on active duty serving in the Navy. I have been in for 5 yrs and it is where I met my husband. We served on the same ship together. While we were dating, life was great! We never seemed to have problems talking and I always felt I could talk to him about anything. We got married after dating for just over a yr and they removed him from the ship and sent him over to another ship. For the next yr and a half we barely saw each other. Our ships were always crossing paths: his was going out when mine was coming in and vise-verse. He got out of the Navy last April, right before I went on a 7 month deployment in May. It was during this month we had together before I left that his younger brother got him addicted to Modern Warfare 3. I have heard good things about the game and I am not in any way against him having fun on his off time. However, his love of the game has grown into an addiction which his younger brother feeds by inviting him to play online with him every night!
During the month before I left on deployment, I would come home from work beat from helping prep the ship to leave and stressed because this was my first deployment and I wanted everything to go smoothly. During this time he was unemployed due to the fact he was going to be moving back in with his folks in TX while I was gone to help save money and was going to get a temp job then. I would come home and he would be playing the game. Dinner was never ready and I always had to cook it. If I dare ask him to cook he would scoff at me (he never talks to me when he plays). 
Anyway, time went by and so did deployment. I ended up getting orders for shore duty here in Mayport FL. The orders I wanted! I was extremely excited to start our life together finally since I would be coming home after work every night and not worrying about having to go to sea. We've been wanting to start a family and shore duty is the ideal time for female sailors. The first month was okay, mostly because I think he was making up for not seeing me for 7 months, but then he started playing his game again. He claims it is how he blows off steam (even though he's the type to yell and scream at the TV when he dies) and how he gets to spend time with his brothers (the two of them got the eldest brother playing it by now too). 
Thing that kills me is both his brothers are married and have children, but their wives are stay at home moms and the brothers don't work very long hours like I do so their wives have no problems with them playing because they get to spend plenty of time together. My husband goes to school in the morning and work in the evening. We get up at 3 AM just to get to work and school on time and neither of us are home before 5 PM. We usually go to bed around 8 PM so we can get enough sleep. So that only leaves about 3, sometimes 4 hrs with each other a night during the week.
It used to be he restricted his game time to just the weekends, but lately his younger brother has been inviting him to play now during the week and my husband just doesn't know how to say "no" to him so he jumps on and leaves me to find something to do till bedtime. I might as well not even be home because he doesn't even acknowledge my existence when he plays and he gets mad if I happen to walk in front of the TV. I have tried bringing this issue up to him before and he instantly gets defensive, yelling and screaming that he's just trying to unwind and spend time with his brothers. I've tried in every way I can think of to come across as non-threatening as possible but he still blows up at me if I even HINT that I don't like him playing so much. I'm not trying to make him stop playing, I just want him to cut back a bit so what little time we do get together during the week, we can spend with each other.
We are going to a counselor and while it's been helping me understand how my childhood and my divorced parents might have affected my view of marriage, my husband claims it hasn't done anything for him. The problem apparently is me in his opinion. His folks are still happily married and he never once saw them fight whereas I saw my parents fight all the time so apparently I'm wrong because I never saw a healthy marriage... Or so he says. He has told me that he does not want to go to any more sessions because it is doing nothing for him but has said that I can continue to go if I want. Only thing I really want is to be able to talk to my husband again without him getting defensive. There has to be a way, right? Any ideas? Sorry for this being so long...


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

stand naked in front of the monitor/tv screen... whereever the game is showing.

If he still ignores you.. or gets angry instead of horny.. I'd say that his addicition issues are much stronger than he wants to admit to.

Tell him that "you" need him to attend the couseling sessions. Ask him to ask his wonderful healthily married parents... If one of them felt like they needed counseling, would the other go along too? even if just for support?

My guess is, if they are truely happily healthily married, both his parents would say they would go to the counseling for the other one. Maybe he can get a good example from them & the four of you sit down & have a "chat" about the gaming, about the counseling,etc. Then (in front of your hubby-- this is important) ask his parents if they have any advice for you two as a couple. Any advice about the gaming? any advice about children? any advice as to how to communicate better?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Whether or not each of you grew up having a healthy marriage modeled does not seem to be the issue. While his parents might be married for a long time, that does not mean it’s necessarily a healthy marriage. I wonder why 3 men raised by parents who they claim had a healthy marriage now are all 3 using video games as escapism. Why is it that all 3 of them do not get the a marriage will suffer when a spouse spends excessive time playing video games? 

What has your counselor said about his excessive video gaming? 

IN order to maintain a good marital relationship the two of you have to spend about 15 hours a week doing date-like things together… just the two of you. It sounds like your long months/years of separation have caused a lot of harm to your bond. He’s not used to having you around and is continuing life as though you are not there. This is not good as you know.

IMHO, it’s time to set some boundaries with him. Set x number of hours a week when he can play video games with his bothers…. 

AFTER you two get your 15 hours a week together.

If he will not do this, you do not have a functioning marriage. 

Divorce would be an viable option here.


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## LadyWolf15 (May 18, 2012)

Wow, well that is good advice EleGirl, not quite the outcome I was hoping to hear. I believe we can still work it out. During our sessions with our counselor we never really touched on the video gaming issue, mostly we've been trying to work on our communication seeing as how the topic of having children has also caused him to get defensive due to the fact he has his mind set on one plan of action and one plan only and doesn't seem to think my plan will work. Mostly he wants me to be a stay at home mom like his mother and his sisters-in-law and that obviously won't work seeing as how I'm in the military. Again, something else we seem to not see eye to eye on. 
The topic of gaming so much has never really been a big issue up till about two or three weeks ago when he started playing more. I have often times wondered how his brothers' wives feel about them playing so much and how they work it out. I spoke with his younger brother's wife and had asked her once how she dealt with it and she had said she goes and does something she wants. She told him that if he was going to spend time doing something that didn't involve her, she was gonna go do something that didn't involve him. It works for them though because she stays at home all day and he only works 6 hrs a day and sometimes on the weekend so they get plenty of time together. So him settling in to play his game gives her time to go do something on her own. However, we don't get a whole lot of time obviously so while his younger brother keeps inviting my husband to play I'm not so sure he realizes that he's taking time away from us being together. I have wanted to say something to him but I fear it will get back to my husband and cause problems again. I know this because it has happened in the past where I have tried to fix a problem caused by someone by talking to them directly but then they turn around and say something to my husband and he gets mad because he thinks he can't trust me. It's just a mess all around in that case.
We have our sessions on Wednesday and he has said this will be his last session with me. I think I'm still going to go that way I can ask questions about this to my therapist without fear of him getting mad for me talking about him. I just hope we can work something out. I'd really rather not go down that divorce path if I don't have to.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I admit at one time I let the TV and video games rule me. I finially saw the light now only play when no one else is home or nothing else to do. I really love spent time with the wife. Even the stuff most guys find boring like going to the store and shop. 

Gaming can be a problem for some and unable to stop. I have seen some poeple lose their job over it.

One thing I finial realized at the end of all that gaming what do you really have to show for it???

He really needs a wake up call. Tell him you are think about separating until he can get his problem under control. Abandoment is not marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! WTF is with grown adults playing video games!

that just appaluing to me. I know of 40yr old men neglecting their family and wife because all they do is play video games.That just blows my mind.

This guy puts video games ahead of his wife consistantly. no kids I'd move on to someone more mature!


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I play WoW these days, my wife got me hooked on it last June. If my wife would give me the time of day I would likely not play as much as I do. I love her dearly but she is just not emotionally there for me like I believe she should be, so I use the video game as a stress reliever (also stress from my job possibly ending soon). 

I probably play more than I should but it helps take my mind off of how much I'm hurting inside.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh! WTF is with grown adults playing video games!
> 
> that just appaluing to me. I know of 40yr old men neglecting their family and wife because all they do is play video games.That just blows my mind.
> 
> This guy puts video games ahead of his wife consistantly. no kids I'd move on to someone more mature!


Everyone has the things they do during their downtime... there are plenty of women out there completely addicted to Facebook and Facebook games that do the same thing as the men who play video games. 

Like I said above, I would love to be more involved with my wife now, we just aren't back to that point yet.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Just one small quibble -- you said that "he doesn't know how to say no."

Sure he does. He says it to you all the time. He just doesn't want to say it to his brother.


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