# My daughter thinks that I hate her.



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

My 12 year old daughter thinks I hate her, and I don't know how to fix it.

My daughter has a very strong personality, she always has from the moment she came out screaming as a newborn. She's been a very head strong determined and powerful spirited child her whole life. As my first, this made it even more difficult for me to transition as a young unprepared mother to parenthood. I became emotionally exhausted and suffered some depression that I never had treated, that I am sure interfered with my bond with her. I know that I have been distant from my daughter, and I feel bad but don't know how to fix it. I am in no way blaming her for any of this, the issues fall completely on me.

A week or so ago my daughter and I got in a heated argument. I dont even remember what it was about, but she started talking over me and she stopped listening to me. I had a moment of weakness and a lapse in judgment and said to her "if you really believe what is coming out of your mouth you must be an idiot." She was crushed. I instantly felt like a horrible mother. I regret so much that this came out of my mouth. 

After she calmed down I talked to her and told her that I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that, it was very wrong of me, and that I didn't mean it. She seemed okay. 

Fast forward to tonight, as she's only 12 I monitor her phone. I found a text she sent to her friend where she pressed enter repeatedly so that you had to scroll down to read the text, thats why it caught my eye. I read the text and it said "my mom seriously hates me, sad face sad face cry face". Her friend asked what happened and my daughter told her I called her an idiot.

I am so deeply sad that she feels this way. I feel like a failure of a mother. I dont know how to fix this. I know the argument was just the icing on the cake, because even before this my daughter hasn't trusted me. She started her period a few mos ago and never told me, she told her dad (my husband) instead of me. This hurt me that she felt she couldn't come to me about this. I dont feel I'm overly mean to her but I know I am emotionally distant. I just don't know how to fix it. 

Does anyone have advice on how I can get my relationship with my 12 year old daughter on track? I would like to have a close relationship with her and I am so scared of her growing up and never talking to me again.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

First off, don’t panic or feel you’ve irreparably damaged your relationship with her. You haven’t. Also, do not fall into the trap of endlessly apologizing or trying to make amends. Kids that age smell fear like wolves lol, It might be difficult at the moment, but this is a part of the process of growing up and building relationships.

My youngest is a strong personality and she and I were at each other her whole senior year in High School. I heard “you hate me” a hundred times. My response was always “well you’ll get over it.” Now, at 25 my youngest and I are as close as a father and daughter can be. I’ve made mistakes with my kids that I had to apologize for and after that it was done. Forgiveness is a two-way street and when I forgave them for something it was over also. I didn’t endlessly examine what happened or worry about it. If the relationship was that fragile, it would be doomed anyway. 

I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in her messages to friends, at 12 life is full of drama and it’s her way of sorting it out and getting some sympathy from friends. Move on with your relationship as normal, it’s the loving, day-to-day things that are important, focus on that.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I told my son I will love him every day, no matter what he does. But, some days, he's kind of an asshole and I don't like him, and that's ok too. I'll still love him on those days.

He appreciated the distinction.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

maree said:


> My 12 year old daughter thinks I hate her, and I don't know how to fix it.
> 
> My daughter has a very strong personality, she always has from the moment she came out screaming as a newborn. She's been a very head strong determined and powerful spirited child her whole life. As my first, this made it even more difficult for me to transition as a young unprepared mother to parenthood. I became emotionally exhausted and suffered some depression that I never had treated, that I am sure interfered with my bond with her. I know that I have been distant from my daughter, and I feel bad but don't know how to fix it. I am in no way blaming her for any of this, the issues fall completely on me.
> 
> ...


Go sit on her bed next to her and tell her everything you wrote here. You're not perfect, you only want the best for her, you say stuff because you are scared and worry about her future, sometimes not rationally and even can be mean. It's a failing but it's a failing out of love. Most all you are sorry.

Tell her the part above that I put in bold. But couch it with the idea - I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, you have a right to tell whoever you wanted, but I does make me said, and I know it's partially my fault.

Here is the thing, if you are going to have a good emotional relationship with someone you are going to have to be emotionally vulnerable. That is just how it works, the only way. 

I think having times when you are emotionally vulnerable with your kids isn't always a bad thing or inappropriate, it can't all be instruction and direction. There has to be balance.



> I would like to have a close relationship with her and I am so scared of her growing up and never talking to me again.


Say that!

I think the bottom line is the best way to have a close relationship with your kids where they feel safe is if you make sure your motives come from love. Yes you are gonna mess up but if you are pretty much consistent they will trust you.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

One of my kids does this often, and I used to worry about it, endless discussions to try and resolve it, go out of my way to prove my love. The cycle. On and on.

Now when I hear ‘you hate me!’

I simply say, ‘you have the right to say and think and feel what you want’ and I walk away.

Kiddo knows I love them so so much. 😍😍😍

And your daughter feels safe enough to yell and scream this to you AND tell her friends 😀

There’s a fine line between hysterics and drama and manipulation and really crying out for attention and letting you know that you’re the problem. Sometimes it’s hard to know which it is, and that’s ok. You really do know her best and you seem very aware of your flaws too, which is the best type of parent.

You may also discover how similar you are! The child I clash with the most is so much like me it’s crazy!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

dubsey said:


> I told my son I will love him every day, no matter what he does. But, some days, he's kind of an asshole and I don't like him, and that's ok too. I'll still love him on those days.
> 
> He appreciated the distinction.



Ha ha..I've said similar to my soon to be 18 year old son. I've told him he's my precious baby and I'm always here for him, but he can also be an asshole sometimes.

He admits I'm right. He is a great guy most of the time but I've done my share of cursing at him when he's difficult.

He's doing fine and we're quite tight. He always comes to me for counsel because he knows I don't ******** him, and I know and love him for who he is.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

She chafes under your authority, this is normal for a child. She knows at some level saying you hate her gets her something. This doesn't mean she's evil, just that she is a child. 

You aren't a child, and you have the solemn responsibility of raising her. That means using authority at appropriate times, and not being manipulated by things like her saying you hate her. The less you react to "You hate me" the less fun there is in saying it. I would remind her now and then that you don't, but not all the time.

If she vents to her friends, let her. Headstrong can be harder to raise, and be on the lookout for dangerous behavior. But she will need independence some day, so don't try to kill it in her.

My guess is you know all of these things and are mostly doing them, but maybe you'd like to hear them anyway.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Thank you all, this has helped me feel better. She did come out and apologize to me after our argument. To clarify, she never told me she hates me or anything like that. Was just being disrespectful. I would have actually felt better if she had told me she hates me because then I'd feel more like this was a heat of the moment thing. Why I got so upset over this is the text was a few days later to her friend after we had both apologized and I thought we moved past it. I feel bad she may have lingering feelings about this.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

maree said:


> Thank you all, this has helped me feel better. She did come out and apologize to me after our argument. To clarify, she never told me she hates me or anything like that. Was just being disrespectful. I would have actually felt better if she had told me she hates me because then I'd feel more like this was a heat of the moment thing. Why I got so upset over this is the text was a few days later to her friend after we had both apologized and I thought we moved past it. I feel bad she may have lingering feelings about this.


I wouldn't get too bent about it, they can be melodramatic at that age. 

Validation of your parenting consists of her running her life ok, not what she chooses to share w/ you or what she says to her friends about you.

You had an argument that got out of hand and patched it up, but you also mentioned you're emotionally distant which isn't the same thing. What do you mean about being distant?


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

SpinyNorman said:


> I wouldn't get too bent about it, they can be melodramatic at that age.
> 
> Validation of your parenting consists of her running her life ok, not what she chooses to share w/ you or what she says to her friends about you.
> 
> You had an argument that got out of hand and patched it up, but you also mentioned you're emotionally distant which isn't the same thing. What do you mean about being distant?


I dont feel like I have the closest relationship with my daughter, at least compared to my other child (a son). My daughter goes to my husband for everything, even women's issues she will go to him over me. I always just chalked it up to her being a daddy's girl but since she's entered puberty and asking him questions she really should be asking me has made me notice this even more.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

maree said:


> I dont feel like I have the closest relationship with my daughter, at least compared to my other child (a son). My daughter goes to my husband for everything, even women's issues she will go to him over me. I always just chalked it up to her being a daddy's girl but since she's entered puberty and asking him questions she really should be asking me has made me notice this even more.


It is unusual she is more comfortable discussing puberty issues w/ Dad, but not a big deal, either. Some girls don't have a mother, so they wind up going to Dad for that stuff and wind up ok.

Your different relationship w/ your son is either b/c he is different and/or you treat him differently. Neither is necessarily bad, but you can think about any differences in how you treat the two of them and decide if you want to change how you treat her.


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