# How to handle him wanting "family time" whilst separated



## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Since I backed off & have given him space he's initiating a lot of talk about things in general and is much more friendly and open, not so much the future but about our current situation. Since doing the 180 he seems to have noticed that i'm moving forward and learning from the experience, I'm no longer a crying wreck & although I do cry when alone I show I'm strong and confident to him. I've also made clear that I know I will be ok without him & can find happiness but I would prefer that to be with him.

My Q is this... We work together so have regular contact, i try to keep this initiated by him (which is a lot!) and also see each other because of the kids. In the past week he's been asking to spend more time in the family home with us (sleeping on the sofa to get up in the AM with the kids meaning he spends time with me in the evening) and has asked can we go for a family meal as my daughter asked him (us & kids) and would I like to join them swimming next week as its good for the kids... 

I'm so insure of how to handle it as I want to spend positive time to show him we are a good team & that its not all bad, remind him of the positives but I dont want him taking me for a mug either as right now he's sat on the fence and making no commitments for the future. We've both been working on communicating better (with help from counseling) and although he doesn't want to work on us as a relationship for the foreseeable he's happy to move forward with that side of things for the kids sake. We've both agreed for now we cant be together, lets just try to move ourselves forwards and not think too far into the future right now.

Do I agree to the time as a family or do I need to let him lie in the bed he's chosen? How does this fit with the 180? Any advice/input would be appreciated!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I'd say I'd let him see what "separation" means. If he wants time with the kids, he can do that in his space. 

C


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

PBear said:


> Personally, I'd say I'd let him see what "separation" means. If he wants time with the kids, he can do that in his space.
> 
> C


So no family time at all, just him with the kids? The kids find that very difficult, we tried that at the beginning but found it upset them a lot that they didn't get to see mummy & daddy at the same time sometimes, all the literature i've read states that if you can spend time with them at the same time it helps them come to terms with the seperation.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

To me... you are either together or apart. Don't just "feed him rope" so to speak.

I don't think it helps the kids for him to sleep on the couch. Either he's in your bed or not at home overnight.

But I'm not a psychologist either.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

OK thanks for the input its much appreciated


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Heartbroken84 said:


> So no family time at all, just him with the kids? The kids find that very difficult, we tried that at the beginning but found it upset them a lot that they didn't get to see mummy & daddy at the same time sometimes, all the literature i've read states that if you can spend time with them at the same time it helps them come to terms with the seperation.


How old are your kids? Would the two of you consider family counselling? Maybe you and your husband first, then with the kids as appropriate...

My thinking is that pretending things are "normal" isn't going to help in the long run. Sure, short term it alleviates the kids' concerns, but it's not reality. And in the meantime, your husband gets to cake-eat. And it keeps you from properly moving to a place where you're ok without him.

C (also not a shrink...)


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## Convict (Feb 16, 2014)

Dealing with the kids is always the hardest part in a separation or divorce.

My stbxw (the WAW type) and I agree pretty much on one thing: we will make sure the kids are as happy as can be and will continue to be raised by the two of us. Since she began walking away and asking for a divorce, I have felt more invested in my kids. I want to see them so much more. Often it that means seeing her or talking to her.

It's a hard bargain. My kids have always been my Achilles heel throughout this saga. 

All I can tell u is do what's best for the kids. That should be ur ultimate goal. U just need to figure out how to deal with ur feelings and emotions when that involves ur husband. It's a hard bargain like I said, but u need to find the right combination between what u want, what will be best for the kids, and the fact that that ur H will always remain their father.

Good luck whichever ray u choose.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

PBear said:


> How old are your kids? Would the two of you consider family counselling? Maybe you and your husband first, then with the kids as appropriate...
> 
> My thinking is that pretending things are "normal" isn't going to help in the long run. Sure, short term it alleviates the kids' concerns, but it's not reality. And in the meantime, your husband gets to cake-eat. And it keeps you from properly moving to a place where you're ok without him.
> 
> C (also not a shrink...)


Thanks for your advice.
They are 6 and 3 years old - they are both well aware that we are separated and we've explained everything to them, he moved into his parents 6mths ago before he went into rehab so they're used to him not being here most of the time but through the past few months whilst we've been trying to work on things he has stayed over now & again to help me out as I have health problems that make it hard for me. He's still at his parents and cant afford a place of his own as he's contributing to the mortgage here so he doesnt see them overnight, it was a kind of compromise to let him stay here now and again, it isnt a regular thing but he's been asking more recently.



Convict said:


> Dealing with the kids is always the hardest part in a separation or divorce.
> 
> My stbxw (the WAW type) and I agree pretty much on one thing: we will make sure the kids are as happy as can be and will continue to be raised by the two of us. Since she began walking away and asking for a divorce, I have felt more invested in my kids. I want to see them so much more. Often it that means seeing her or talking to her.
> 
> ...


Throughout this we have both agreed that the kids stability and protection is our number one priority and we're both doing all we can to ensure they feel happy, loved & supported through this situation. They have both really struggled with not having Daddy around as they've been used to him playing a very active role in their lives, its heartbreaking to see them struggling - the hardest part of this whole situation. 

I believe that my kids will be better off if their parents can work things out and be happy, this is obviously only a possibility but I'd like to give it as much opportunity as I can so that I know I did everything I could before we divorce.

Thanks for your advice.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Don't let him cake eat.

It will hurt too much.

You'll waste huge gobs of emotional energy trying to read into this or that action.

Cut him off.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Don't let him cake eat.
> 
> It will hurt too much.
> 
> ...


How does this help the fact that I hope for a reconciliation in the future though?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Heartbroken84 said:


> How does this help the fact that I hope for a reconciliation in the future though?


Standing up to him makes you mysterious and sexy.

Rolling over is what got you where you are.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Standing up to him makes you mysterious and sexy.
> 
> Rolling over is what got you where you are.


Good point - will defo do some thinking on that one! Thanks


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Heartbroken84 said:


> How does this help the fact that I hope for a reconciliation in the future though?


Where's his motivation to work at reconciling if he can just cake-eat? Kinda like a guy's motivation to get married can disappear if he's living with his partner already (to sexually stereotype...)

C


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yep it makes sense now, he's not going to give R any thought cos he's got the best of all worlds right now I suppose - I just thought a taster of what he's missing now and again might make him consider things more carefully thats all.

I also have no idea how to be more "mysterious" as he knows me inside out... I have lost 3 stone, new wardrobe, different hair style, tan, new found confidence so spose every little helps!


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Does he have time alone with kids at his place?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Yep it makes sense now, he's not going to give R any thought cos he's got the best of all worlds right now I suppose - I just thought a taster of what he's missing now and again might make him consider things more carefully thats all.
> 
> I also have no idea how to be more "mysterious" as he knows me inside out... I have lost 3 stone, new wardrobe, different hair style, tan, new found confidence so spose every little helps!


Be less available.

Even when you schedule something, act like you're "fitting it in".

Be very slow to answer texts - and don't pick up calls.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Conrad said:


> Be less available.
> 
> Even when you schedule something, act like you're "fitting it in".
> 
> Be very slow to answer texts - and don't pick up calls.


I will try this, he rings me an awful lot during the day as we have a business together and I always answer or call back but I think sometimes for him its just an excuse to be honest... he also rings me most evenings (with an excuse) and asks what i'm up to this evening!! I see him every day near enough too, so it will be hard but i'll try my damn hardest!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I will try this, he rings me an awful lot during the day as we have a business together and I always answer or call back but I think sometimes for him its just an excuse to be honest... he also rings me most evenings (with an excuse) and asks what i'm up to this evening!! I see him every day near enough too, so it will be hard but i'll try my damn hardest!!


So, he can keep tabs on you while he plays.

Change that dynamic. Yes it will be difficult.

Codependence always is.

Any chance of having your previous life back depends on this.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Conrad said:


> So, he can keep tabs on you while he plays.
> 
> Change that dynamic. Yes it will be difficult.
> 
> ...


Yep cos he knows i'm stuck home most of the time with the kids whilst he's out at his meetings & with his new "recovery" friends! 

So when he asks what i'm doing i've been saying "oh i'm not sure yet" or "I may go out tonight but not decided" and things so that he doesnt think i'm being abrupt but doesnt tell him what i'm doing (even if I know i'm doing nothing lol!!).

He's finding it all a bit strange that i'm not ringing/texting him or asking what he's doing too I think, the more i've done it the less it bothers me to be honest too. I'm defo progressing, albeit slowly haha. 

This advice is invaluable though, thank you so much!! Its hard to see clearly when your in the situation and filled with emotion isnt it


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Good advice here heartbroken.

Love the "3 stone" comment. 

I doubt him being out with his recovery friends constantly helps his recovery.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> Does he have time alone with kids at his place?


He's currently living with his parents because we cant afford him to have his own place as he pays the mortgage here, its not ideal but we dont have any other option so they cant stay over there as they'd all have to sleep in one bed together.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> Good advice here heartbroken.
> 
> Love the "3 stone" comment.
> 
> I doubt him being out with his recovery friends constantly helps his recovery.


I had a chat with his counsellor (from the treatment centre) yesterday and he did say that his circle of friends could well be influencing his decisions at the moment, he's become close to one female & although I dont know her i'd imagine she's not having the best influence... he says there is nothing going on (and I really believe him) but she's his main support/friend at the moment and I cant imagine she's very support of us being together as she's only heard his side & known him 3 months!! 

I suppose he's using her for the support I used to give him, that hurts a lot to be honest but I cant do anything about that so try to keep it out of my mind


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> He's currently living with his parents because we cant afford him to have his own place as he pays the mortgage here, its not ideal but we dont have any other option so they cant stay over there as they'd all have to sleep in one bed together.



Too bad. He wants the separation, don't make it easy for him. He can sleep on a couch or air matress and have the kids in the bed.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> Too bad. He wants the separation, don't make it easy for him. He can sleep on a couch or air matress and have the kids in the bed.


Yes i'm going to suggest that, they're not used to sleeping out but I suppose they'll get used to it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, he's currently checking out his options but wants to keep you available. Tell him he's either in or out, and if he's out you'll look elsewhere. That's what will make you mysterious. Right now he knows you're waiting for him and that lowers your value.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, he's currently checking out his options but wants to keep you available. Tell him he's either in or out, and if he's out you'll look elsewhere. That's what will make you mysterious. Right now he knows you're waiting for him and that lowers your value.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Look up :iagree:

Plan B - you
Plan A - ?


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Yes i'm going to suggest that, they're not used to sleeping out but I suppose they'll get used to it.



It will be like an adventure for them. 
I think you should change the locks and tell him he's not allowed in your space except to pick up the kids. It's not his house anymore.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, he's currently checking out his options but wants to keep you available. Tell him he's either in or out, and if he's out you'll look elsewhere. That's what will make you mysterious. Right now he knows you're waiting for him and that lowers your value.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yep I'm realising that!! Plan A is freedom from our bad (at the end) relationship I think, I don't think it's another relationship I think it's just freedom to do as he pleases & to be selfish - well he can have it cos I'm not being his fallback option (not as far as he's aware anyway!!).

I'm going to remove myself from his option list as much as I can - it's going to be tough though and it's going to take some practise too I suspect.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> It will be like an adventure for them.
> I think you should change the locks and tell him he's not allowed in your space except to pick up the kids. It's not his house anymore.



He doesn't have a key & only comes when picking up the kids or when arranged - I've told him he's not to come without ringing or arranging with me first.

He's 50% owner but it's mine & the kids home - he respects that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Letting him occasionally stay there with you sends the wrong message to the children. It confuses them. 

And, yes, they should be spending the night with him at their grandparents' home. They can sleep on quilts on the floor if nothing else is available. That's the reality of separation. Right now his situation is perfect. Spending time with you and the children when he wishes. No children spendingthe night with him so he can come and go at his parents' as he wishes. 

Change that dynamic.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Will do, thank you


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I've just text him to tell him :/ I'm scared now! Feel like by standing my ground & pushing him away I'm finalising things but I need to keep telling myself that I'm not a mug and I'm just protecting myself! 

Dreading his response, just hope he understands x


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He's just rang saying "we don't know what will happen in the future" and "I'm scared of committing to try then it being the wrong decision" but he doesn't love me right now and he can't change that so he's still on the fence... I've been clear that he's being unfair not making any decisions & so he's left me no choice but to accept it's over and seek legal advice - he then accused me of pushing him into a decision lol, erm no I've made my decision already!! 

I have no intention of filing for divorce yet but I want some information so I can see what it entails etc as we have a business together etc.

I'm going to email him with the set access arrangements & then sit down and sort those out with him as it's been quite flexible up until now.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I feel awful  why does it hurt so bad even when I know it's for the best. I'm finding it so hard not to call him back because the last convo ended on a bad note....

Bad day today, just want to run away & hide!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I feel awful  why does it hurt so bad even when I know it's for the best. I'm finding it so hard not to call him back because the last convo ended on a bad note....
> 
> Bad day today, just want to run away & hide!


If it didn't hurt it wouldn't have been worth it.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pictureless said:


> If it didn't hurt it wouldn't have been worth it.



Still wish more than anything he'd change his mind & work on things  so hard to walk away when it's the opposite of what I want!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Wait, you heard him say he doesn't love you "right now"? So is he trying to keep his options open and have you be his plan B if the OW falls through.
The title of this thread made me a bit angry. He's the one who broke up the family, and now he wants to keep on the pretense. I'd say too bad. Getting a D means the family doesn't get to stay together. Yes the kids will be upset, but giving them a false hope that you will R isn't being kind, its cruel. Find the kids a therapist or counselor if you think that would help. But be sure to let HIM know that family time is over.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Wait, you heard him say he doesn't love you "right now"? So is he trying to keep his options open and have you be his plan B if the OW falls through.
> The title of this thread made me a bit angry. He's the one who broke up the family, and now he wants to keep on the pretense. I'd say too bad. Getting a D means the family doesn't get to stay together. Yes the kids will be upset, but giving them a false hope that you will R isn't being kind, its cruel. Find the kids a therapist or counselor if you think that would help. But be sure to let HIM know that family time is over.



I have told him family time is over, he didn't like it but tough!!

There is no OW at the moment, I'm sure of that I think his other option is freedom!!


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

HB,

Today I am philosophical about my XW. Do I still love her? YES! Would I take her back? NO! I can't. She's done too much damage now. I didn't want this, but now I need it. You will understand this soon enough.

A sincere, honest, remorseful apology would mean so much but it's never going to happen. It won't change things. And it won't allow her to come back.

What's my point? It's time to let go and move on. I struggle every day. And I will for a long time. But eventually the hurt will pass. Will we ever forget? NO....not even with years of expensive therapy  -I know bad joke but I'm trying to help-

Give it time. You will heal.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Thanks Pictureless - lol @ therapy, I'm in uk so different here! 

I understand what your saying and sure I'll reach that stage in time but I'm not ready to give up just yet.

I'm sure that if he dealt with his resentments & agreed to take a leap of faith he'd feel differently -we have a good solid foundation and i believe before D we should at least give ourselves the opportunity & explore our feelings a bit more... He's made this decision after years of addiction & 3 months into recovery, his emotions are all over the place and I truly don't think he knows what he wants, I do know that it's near impossible to love someone you resent so much!!

I am walking away but if he changes his mind and wants to try I'll have to give it some thought - I'm not ready to completely give up, wish I was as it would probably make it a little easier, but for now I'm at least going to give the impression that I'm done.

So very sad tonight, lots of tears  so hard, wish I could just disappear!!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

This is interesting on resentment:
http://www.thehappinessfactor.com/resentment-the-1-relationship-killer/


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I have to work with him this morning, haven't seen him since Sat morning when he dropped the kids back off... Dreading it in all honestly!

My main plan is:
1/ Be happy, strong & confident - no tears or sadness!
2/ Don't bring up anything about 'us' unless he does, even then keep it brief.
3/ Act uninterested in him & his "new life".
4/ Only stay as long as needed then go - no hanging around!

I'm going to make an apt to seek legal advice today regarding the house & business too so I know where I stand. Also going to look into putting the house on the market... Eeeek!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Any input appreciated..... You guys always manage to help me see things clearly!! 

Well I've been doing the 180 and have already noticed changes in his behaviour - the RC also suggested some things which I've been trying and they've worked amazingly, he's opening up a lot more & being very honest about things he feels etc, he's also looking at his resentments which has put a new slant on things for him I think.

He admitted last night that he made himself a promise that he wouldn't allow himself to be in love because he's scared of getting hurt or rejected, I then said well then how do you expect to feel love for me now... He agreed that he couldn't as he wasn't allowing himself to because he's scared. He also said that he's searching for "infatuation" as he thinks that's love even though he knows that doesn't last so he'll never find what he's looking for, he seems to think it's the addict in him searching for the "high"?! When I explained what love/marriage is for me he said that's everything that I am for him, yet he ALSO wants that love/infatuation (which he's not allowing himself to feel) but he doesn't know how to let go & feel it... I said I think it's about taking a leap of faith & deciding that what he's been doing hasn't made him happy so why not let go & give something new a try!! 

I said that I felt like now we are both in recovery from addiction/codepedancy, the only way to see how we truly feel is to explore, talk, open up & see where things go before divorce - he agreed.

He's also still in the EA with the girl he went through rehab with, she's gay so I know nothing physical but he's got that "connection" with her that he's blocking with me... I also mentioned that & said that it's his business who he talks to but that he needs to be aware that whilst he's turning to her then he won't connect with me - there's no point in me forcing the issue, I suspect the excitement will die out when he realises I don't really care!! 

I'm going for legal advice next week so I know where I stand divorce wise, I don't intend to file but I just want info so I can if/when ready. The house is being valued on Friday with a view to it being on the market next month.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

His admitted EA is every bit your business. She represents a third person who has entered your marriage and you are allowing this to happen.
How can he possibly make the kind of emotional connection with you, when he had this "connection" with another woman. She is the OW. You have EVERY right to demand that stop if he wants the marriage to work. This is your business. Open your eyes on this.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> His admitted EA is every bit your business. She represents a third person who has entered your marriage and you are allowing this to happen.
> How can he possibly make the kind of emotional connection with you, when he had this "connection" with another woman. She is the OW. You have EVERY right to demand that stop if he wants the marriage to work. This is your business. Open your eyes on this.



He's not admitted the EA, he says they are friends & they talk a lot as they went through rehab together. I believe him that there's nothing physical but I see it as an EA.

He is unsure as to wether he wants our marriage to work & that's why we are separated at the moment. The way I see it is that if I demand he stops talking to her then I'm just pushing him further away, what will it achieve, he sees her as just a friend & that he's doing nothing wrong and so I need him to realise the damage it's having and have some level of commitment to our marriage BEFORE I push for him to stop contact, does that make sense?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Any input appreciated..... You guys always manage to help me see things clearly!!
> 
> Well I've been doing the 180 and have already noticed changes in his behaviour - the RC also suggested some things which I've been trying and they've worked amazingly, he's opening up a lot more & being very honest about things he feels etc, he's also looking at his resentments which has put a new slant on things for him I think.
> 
> ...


First off, I'm willing to bet next weeks paycheck that she isn't gay. Seen this one on TAM several times.

Second....The 180 says no relationship talks. As long as OW is in picture you need to quit engaging with him. He doesn't deserve your time.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

He brought up the relationship stuff not me, surely I can't just ignore him if he wants to talk?

He told me she was gay when he went into rehab, why would he tell me that all that time ago? I'm pretty sure he had no interest in her then either. Whether she is or not I'm 100% sure there's nothing physical going on right now but I don't know about the future obv!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Read up on the damage EA can do to a relationship. It is infidelity, regardless of whether they are having sex. She is the OW. He is protecting his relationship with her by telling you that it is none of your business. Demanding it end may push him further, but it is also evident that he is not committed to your relationship. Your way, allowing him to maintain an inappropriate emotional relationship with OW, harms your marriage.
Do the 180 until he is willing to end the EA, then discuss your marriage.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Heartbroken84 said:


> He brought up the relationship stuff not me, surely I can't just ignore him if he wants to talk?
> 
> He told me she was gay when he went into rehab, why would he tell me that all that time ago? I'm pretty sure he had no interest in her then either. Whether she is or not I'm 100% sure there's nothing physical going on right now but I don't know about the future obv!


You can and you should ignore him. Three people do not make a marriage. People gravitate to my thread because they like what they believe is a happy ending. If you read my thread, I was in a lot of pain but I did not let my wife rope me in these type discussions. I let her go. I wouldn't answer a text message unless it was about the kids. 

Either he's in or out and right now he's out. Let him go.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

As far as he's concerned though our marriage is over & they're just friends - I get what your saying though but I'm confused in the best way to handle it 

How can we move forwards with no talking though, that's what confuses me, were in RC to communicate but then I'm supposed to not communicate? 

Feeling crappy today, arranging solicitors appointments & estate agents makes it all feel very real x


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

How does he have time to miss you when he gets to talk to you whenever he wants? He is cake eating. 

What is RC?

Are you familiar with Alanon? You should go to some of their meetings.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

GutPunch said:


> How does he have time to miss you when he gets to talk to you whenever he wants? He is cake eating.
> 
> What is RC?
> 
> Are you familiar with Alanon? You should go to some of their meetings.


RC = relationship counselling.

Yes I understand your point, as we have a business together is so hard to not talk to him but I try to keep as professional as I can and not allow the "friends" side of things if that makes sense. The business is in the early stages and so I cant just walk away, I am needed there and as joint director have a responsibility to continue working there.

I've recently started going to alanon yes, also reading lots of books (codependent no more) etc.

He's said that he thinks divorce is too soon, I dont know what to do or how to approach this?

Thanks GP


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Go over to the CWI board, there is tons of good information there for how others have handled EAs. You may also want to look at the SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity which has a lot of great information about EA and effectively doing the 180. I'm sorry you are in such pain.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Relationship counseling is a waste of money when he is in the middle of EA. End it.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Go over to the CWI board, there is tons of good information there for how others have handled EAs. You may also want to look at the SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity which has a lot of great information about EA and effectively doing the 180. I'm sorry you are in such pain.


Thanks, I will go and have a look. 



GutPunch said:


> Relationship counseling is a waste of money when he is in the middle of EA. End it.


Its free here so no charge - it was so that we can communicate effectively for the kids sake instead of being in constant conflict.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Really hit me hard today, putting the house up for sale & stuff makes it all seem so final 

In such a state tonight, can't see any way out of the darkness. My life seems such a mess, every day feels like a week, I just want to run away & never come back  hormones dont help!! lol


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> Really hit me hard today, putting the house up for sale & stuff makes it all seem so final
> 
> In such a state tonight, can't see any way out of the darkness. My life seems such a mess, every day feels like a week, I just want to run away & never come back  hormones dont help!! lol


Remember it's always darkest before the dawn. I'm so glad your going to ala non. I'm really proud of you. When do you go back? Soon I hope. Hang in there. One day I promise you will be as happy as you are sad right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Ms. GP said:


> Remember it's always darkest before the dawn. I'm so glad your going to ala non. I'm really proud of you. When do you go back? Soon I hope. Hang in there. One day I promise you will be as happy as you are sad right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you  

I know i'll get there, i'm so determine that I wont stop til I'm happy!! Just have days where its all very overwhelming I suppose, it all feels very final (even though thats just what my head is telling me!) and scary. Most days now i'm beginning to feel a lot better and more in control then a day like this hits me like a 10 tonne truck

Al-Anon is on Mondays so i'm going to go again next Monday x


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

The 180 is working already. Do you see what that means. Keep it up, feed him smaller and slower doses than he wants from you.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LBHmidwest said:


> The 180 is working already. Do you see what that means. Keep it up, feed him smaller and slower doses than he wants from you.



I believe it is, slowly but it definitely is. I find it hard not to talk about things when he initiates it, that's my goal at the moment to work on that.

I actually really admire him, he's in early recovery & has all this pressure yet he's still clean/sober - I'm very proud of him


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Keep posting!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Keep posting!



I shall, this place is keeping me sane - seriously!!! lol


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Be proud, but not gushingly so. Remember, he's affecting your life negatively and that of your family. HE'S doing that. NOT you.

I grew up on a ranch so I'm too blunt though too.


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Yeh I try to tell him how well he's doing but don't go OTT as he's still got a long road ahead & many "issues" to resolve! 

I'm very emotional today & I'm working with him, hope I can hold it together :/ not sure if I can at the moment, I'm on the brink of complete meltdown!


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

I KNOW this is for the best at the moment, we both need to work on ourselves, but I still can't let go of him fully... I'm still doing the 180 mainly for me but also partly in the hope to get him back in the future, I just wish I had a crystal ball! 

How do you get through these days? What do you do to stop the uncertainty of the future taking over?

He said this morning (at work) that he keeps wanting to go back to how it was cos that was less painful than this  I honestly think he's made this decision then buried his head in the sand and just pops up now & again, realises it hurts like a b*tch then buries his head again!


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Heartbroken84 said:


> I believe it is, slowly but it definitely is. I find it hard not to talk about things when he initiates it, that's my goal at the moment to work on that.
> 
> I actually really admire him, he's in early recovery & has all this pressure yet he's still clean/sober - I'm very proud of him



I thought that they tell people not to make any big life decisions the first year other than ones that directly relate to them staying away from temptation. Unless he thinks being with you will make him relapse???


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> I thought that they tell people not to make any big life decisions the first year other than ones that directly relate to them staying away from temptation. Unless he thinks being with you will make him relapse???



Yes they do & he chose to ignore this  I agree we needed to put a stop to the bad cycle our relationship was in but don't agree this should be long term, I think he thought it was the only way to get out of the situation - its his life though so I obviously can't do anything about his decision!


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Find a Divorce Care Class


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