# Falling apart



## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

I am losing it, I think.

Summary:

- My wife and I fell in love, married after a few months
- She hasn't had sex with me in close to 4 years, save once
- That was when I threatened to leave her
- She has a very aloof personality towards my family
- She was outright mean to my parents when they came to visit
- I am my parents' only surviving child
- We're Indians so her behavior is doubly shocking - family matters, or at least should matter

Further details in my last thread.

Update:
- In the end I can't/don't want to break up with her, some part of me still loves her
- After many big fights and near-breakup situations she's now far more sensible and even wants to have sex
- Things seem to be improving, she's really putting in a lot of effort
- I am the problem - now I don't want to have sex with her
- I still can't forgive her, the last few years haunt me
- The tiniest things about her scream out that she's so different
- This is tearing me apart, I think I'm dying inside

What should I do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why don't you want to have sex with her now? Why did you guys only have sex one time in 4 yrs?

If you can't forgive her, you need to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone you can't forgive. It's not healthy for you or her.

Did you guys ever try counselling?


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

We didn't have sex before because she was always tired or having her periods or having a headache or something. I was just being infinitely patient that she would grow up. I was stupid.

I don't want to have sex with her because my sex drive seems to have been blunted out. Don't get me wrong, I do get turned on and everything works 'down there', but I just can't forgive her and this seems to be the reason. I end up asking, why now? Because she's scared I'll leave her? Where was she before?

I proposed counseling but she's fundamentally opposed to it.

I'm trying to forgive her for all she did, but I'm afraid that deep inside she's the same person. Although she is clearly trying hard to make amends now.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

She finally came around to wanting you after all this time, now you dont want her. Now, the problem is with you. Get some IC and forgive you and her for the pain caused in the past. Holding on to resentment will be a huge roadblock moving forward. Get some professional help to resolve your past so you can move on. If not, set her free and move on.

You will be hurting both of you by dragging this situation on. This has been going on for years and its time to end it; for better or worse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

akcroy said:


> We didn't have sex before because she was always tired or having her periods or having a headache or something. I was just being infinitely patient that she would grow up. I was stupid.
> 
> I don't want to have sex with her because my sex drive seems to have been blunted out. Don't get me wrong, I do get turned on and everything works 'down there', but I just can't forgive her and this seems to be the reason. I end up asking, why now? Because she's scared I'll leave her? Where was she before?
> 
> ...


You can't really expect to be able to forgive her if she does not acknowledge that her behavior over the preceding 4 years has injured you. 

Of course you are asking why now, it shows a great deal of perception on your part. The fact that she will not go to MC says it all. She is still not aware of what she has done and is not sorry she has injured you. 

I don't know why you do not want to leave her. Although I may not be sensitive to the cultural consequences of divorce. Do you think her chances to find someone else is spoiled? How do you see a future with her? Bleak? 

Sit with her and have a serious talk lay out what she needs to do to stay in the marriage. She must go to MC, she must acknowledge sincerely that she has done has been wrong, she must show a genuine effort to change not only what she does on the surface but how she feels about what she does. Give her a chance and tell her it is up to her, but this is how it will go. 

You are giving her a choice and control of her destiny. You can not think you are a bad guy for that can you?


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

What's IC?

Yes, I admit that the problem is with me - I should be the bigger man here, acknowledge her efforts and move on. But I can't. I'm unsure she realizes what she's done to me, my family... for example, despite the gross meanness on her part towards my parents, I could never, ever expect her to apologize to them at some point. I could never, ever expect her to call them up on her own on birthdays or festivals either... she shows no remorse, she's simply happy to move on.

Whenever the topic of sex or her insensitivity in general comes up, she instantly retaliates by pointing out I was not fair towards her either, in circumstances that may best be considered trivial, then she slowly backs down somewhat... But you can't really compare ignoring me in bed for four years to having called her something arguably inappropriate in jest, can you?

Which is why I fear she's just bottling up her personality so that I don't leave her. Her very motivation to change is not to become a better person or realize her mistakes, but to hold on to me. There is a subtle but very important difference there.

I fear that should we ever have kids (a very remote possibility right now), she'll slowly lose the drive to do right by me and my family. I had to threaten to leave her - very seriously, several times - for her to at least admit she was wrong in some respects...

What am I supposed to do? Despite everything, I honestly believe she loves me and is trying to make this relationship work. But every now and then my fears kick in, and I feel lost and morbid. 

I am prepared to convince her to go to a MC, but I need some more feedback from you guys first.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Once again, the thread goes dead - any help, guys? Not exactly doing great here..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IC is individual counselling.


You said yourself the problem is with you. So what are you going to change?

Oh and you shoujld never tghreaten your spouse you are going to leave just so they can see theire "faults." That is very immature.

Yes, go to MC with your wife. Try to have a sexual life together. Her saying she has headaches is ok but not for FOUR yrs using it as an excuse for no sex.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

My problem is that I can't seem to be able to forgive her, so I guess the change would be forgiving her. I'm unsure she deserves to be forgiven - what do you think?

Then again she is trying really hard now, but one swallow a summer does not make. Am I being cruel here? Or is my pessimism/over-caution overblown?

I didn't threaten her to show her her faults, I genuinely wanted to leave her back then - I was distressed beyond agenda. Some part of me still does.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think only you can decide whether you can forgive her or not.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

akcroy said:


> Once again, the thread goes dead - any help, guys? Not exactly doing great here..


Did you read my previous post? I think you may generate more responses if specifically address all the questions and suggestions from each response you get. 

If you seen to gloss over things then the poster is not likely to continue to be engaged. are you looking for advice from lots of different people? There has been lots of good advice from a small number of people that's valuable.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

@Catherine602 sorry, your last post indeed slipped through my radar - don't know how that happened. 

The cultural implications of divorce are profound, but I don't think she won't find a new husband should that happen. Actually I don't believe she'll ever want to get into a relationship again should things end in divorce.

I do know she loves me and is making a huge effort. Maybe she'll get there? That's why I don't want to divorce her. I am giving her another chance, if you will; things seem to be going well now and she's even acknowledging that she's done wrong, at least in some aspects.

Finally, please don't read my impatience as being picky with the advice I'm getting from you guys - I know very well that beggars can't be choosers, and right now I'm emotionally quite beggared. Please try to understand what I'm going through.

That I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart needs no mention.

@Jellybeans you're right, but only if I could.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I meant no criticism. One thing to consider is her upbringing and it's influence on her personality and sense social propriety. What were her family relarptionships like? Was there any neglect or abuse. How many siblings and does she keep up with her family. Look at the patterns of the relationships with in her family for clues as to why she behaves the way she does. Her past experiences shaped the person she is now but that person is mutable. New loving experiences can make her a loving person. 

Try to get to know your wife in the deepest sense. There is the key to this problem. Was she repressed or unguided by her parents and maybe takes out resentment by ignoring your parents. Ho does she view, authority and tradition, what experiences led up to her beliefs. 

My point is - people can and do change - they change most profoundly when they are loved and when they love. Can you get to the point of knowing your wife's childhood and getting her to see the dysfunction of her behavior in a loving way? You are standing by the river of life sticking your toe in - better to jump in and just live in it. 

How do you know she loves you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

Hi- you nailed it. It is indeed a question of upbringing; her family is quite socially awkward in fact. For instance people from her side rarely interact with mine, and when asked about it, my wife is always surprised and act as if we're the unsocial bunch, all we do is mix with a select few and pretend we're all social. Her family respects space, she points out, which barely makes sense to me because hers is a large family, and although being the son-in-law here fore over four years I'm unfamiliar with many of them. Most of them I have met only once or twice - this applies to her first degree relations as well.

Naturally we (as a family - my side I mean) and myself particularly aren't okay with this, but we kind of gulp it down. My in-laws were very loosely parented my wife IMHO; whenever there's a conflict she starts a shouting match and always wins. I have never seen any of my in-laws be able to exert any noticeable control on her. I am not of course saying that spouses or children ought to be controlled, but she seems to lack the minimum respect towards even her parents in instances of making decisions. And yes, my in-laws are basically okay with it - otherwise their daughter wouldn't be the way she is.

She is slowly starting to make compromises on several things, but as I pointed out, her motivation doesn't seem to be genuine understanding but of sucking up to me since I might leave her.

I am sure she loves me - it's just evident, she's really caring and I can tell how distressed she is when things aren't going well between us. Plus her recent attempts to adapt are pretty much signs of love too.

I hate to say this, but she loves me within her limitations - and those limitations don't always seem acceptable to me. But looking at the broader picture - don't we all love within our limitations?

Thanks for your feedback.


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