# I Am Being Human and I want



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

love.

I am having a hard time for some reason. I read some posts and people seem to have moved on. And some days I feel as strong as when I was in the la la land of marriage.

It seems like lately I just hear bad news about people and their health. And in my own family, alcoholism and drugging is plaguing them. Yesterday, my sister was barely coherent on the phone, she was so high. And these people are in the mid-50s.

And I want love and I rely on others to give it to me (I give it back don't get me wrong), but everyone is so involved with their addiction or their own situation that slogging through this divorce pain becomes a very lonely process at times. So I turn to my Higher Power but being human I fail because I need the physical touch and the emotional love that I have learned on Earth.

Sorry, I wanted to continue about moving on and becoming alive but today I miss the fantasy of my ex. These days come and go like the grieving and I facilitate between denial and acceptance. And because I am hurt sometimes I am angry and I want Karma to kick in for this person that hurt me so deliberately but his life just seems free of monetary issues and emotional strife. I want justice. I want it to go away.

Dang this hard. 

I will get through this, I know it but that doesn't change my need for love.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yes. The retroactive, freely given, secure enough to be lovingly expected,, "Love".
I keep getting back to the thought that I loved what I "Wanted" my marriage to be, despite what it really was, and how obvious it was not.
I feel ridiculous for having taken those far and few between instances of "goodness" in it, and subsisting off of those. Allowing myself to pile on the burdens of blindness to the reality of her callousness, lack of respect, lack of concern for our future, resentment of me, all the while attempting to ensure me that this was the way it was supposed to be. 
I remember once, being told that she was just the way she was, and if I didnt like it, I could leave. 
But the way she was, was not going to be good for anyone, but perhaps for a person in a coma, not needing or desiring anything from a relationship or marriage. 
How often I heard "needy", when starvation had long come and gone.
FK that b!tch. LOL... just p!ssed myself off.. Hahhaa...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sparkles, some of us that have "moved on" haven't really, we're just trying to make changes for the sake of change and to build momentum. I am "moving on" but I don't pretend to assume its necessarily moving in a particular direction I was just getting tired of standing still and being surrounded by my own stink. Don't presume that being able to move on means everything starts feeling better again, there are challenges and it is certainly not all feelgood.

For me, I too have been longing for touch (one of my big love languages) and have taken the steps I need to both receive it as well as seek it out - it is only just now as I wrote this that I realize for me it is form of self-actualization... however it also comes with its own set of problems - I think many on here suggest not to move onto a new set of problems before dealing with the first, but for me I could spend my entire life dwelling on those. Yet at the same time my big problem (my built-in shame and difficulty accepting myself) is one that will ALWAYS be there as long as I don't see it or refuse to do something to change it and so that to me is the big challenge in moving forward - integrating the big change I need to make in myself into every decision I choose to make, and not forgetting about myself in all of it.

Though it is my own personal journey, vastly different than yours I am sure, it's about letting our emotions guide us but having the wits to know when our emotions have taken us down the wrong path and to be able to continuously make corrections (rather than banging our heads on the wall) along the way. The need for love is ever present for everyone, however I think to succeed means that primary love has to be for ourself.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Lon said:


> Sparkles, some of us that have "moved on" haven't really, we're just trying to make changes for the sake of change and to build momentum. I am "moving on" but I don't pretend to assume its necessarily moving in a particular direction I was just getting tired of standing still and being surrounded by my own stink. Don't presume that being able to move on means everything starts feeling better again, there are challenges and it is certainly not all feelgood.


:iagree: Which explains why some of us still hang around an internet forum focused on marriage rather than one for singles. UGH!!! 

I believe some of us just feel better in a relationship when we are giving love and trying to meet another’s needs. However, being single is better than being in a marriage where love and thoughtfulness is unrequited.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> ...Which explains why some of us still hang around an internet forum focused on marriage rather than one for singles. UGH!!!


I think part of it is the attachment we've made to this place and the other people who are on the same voyage. I don't really care that this is a "marriage" site I just enjoy (and make use of) the comments and advice here, and from my perspective here it is almost entirely people that have had troubles to work through, and undoubtedly many of those result in separation and divorce, thus all the "singles".

As to unrequited love, I had to look that term up to understand what it means, and it is very apropros definition for many betrayed spouses on here.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am also "moving on" That is not past tense yet. I have not yet "moved on" but I am trudging forward one day at a time. Some days, the path is free and clear and other days, I feel as if I'm trying to swim through wet cement, but the point is that I am moving on. My marriage was my past life. That chapter is over now, and I don't want to keep re-reading it although some days the pages fall open but I have to close it again and keep moving on. I've met someone new and we are in the early stages of dating. It's not love yet, it's not commitment yet, but it sure is nice to have someone to talk to and share laughs with.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> Which explains why some of us still hang around an internet forum focused on marriage rather than one for singles. UGH!!!


:rofl: :lol: Very good point! 

I guess it's because misery loves company.  I'm not miserable but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I've always liked internet forums because on one hand you have a common cause or concern and on the other you have the added distance of it being in cyber-space as opposed to face-to-face. 

My friends are almost all divorced and/or single (never married) and we will trade tales but I'd rather not burden them endlessly with my problems or concerns. Here, everyone is in the same boat and the anonymity helps in that you can express yourself without repercussions. 

I don't feel "single", although by most definitions I am. I'm still legally married though and I still feel a tie to my husband but it's not the same. In many ways I feel that I am over the hard stuff. I feel good about my life and where I'm going, despite my husband and his issues. He's not a source of pain anymore, but of amusement on one end, and annoyance on the other. 

I feel I have love in my life. My children love me. Even more importantly, I like myself. I feel good about all I've gone through and achieved despite the odds. I don't have any need to date at all. I don't want to sleep with anyone or have to answer TO anyone. I am comfortable with my own company. IMO, that's the biggest part of all this that has changed. Once upon a time I was obsessed with getting back the love and acceptance of the man I loved. Now, it's HIS problem, not mine. 

So what do I want now? I want peace. I just want to have a peaceful, stress free life and hope for the future. If my H doesn't hassle me and gives me my space it's all good. I don't even mind his company from time to time. But if he does hassle me and give me grief I can walk away without feeling pain and THAT is how I know that I'm heading in the right direction.


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## i.bellagardner (Nov 10, 2011)

After the tragic experiences, some people prefer to have space before they get into a relationship again. They spent six month to one year or more just to move on and let go.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I return here to read and write and chronicle the days of my process as it may or may not help someone at sometime. I dont consider myself a lurker, but where then would I post, on FB?
This community consists of a group of people who are going thru similar circumstances, and there is a sense of empowerment with that. It hasnt stopped me from moving on, or getting stronger, I dont feel I am wallowing in anything.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

We're sharing, that's what it is called.

Let's face it, after a while, friends and family want you to move on because they don't want to hear it anymore. They think you're stuck but of course some of them haven't gone through this. I have one person say that I am fixated. I'm like, give me a break, I was divorced in July of THIS year. Believe me, I would like to stop feeling this way.

Funny enough, today is a good day. Aye, aye, aye


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