# reconciliation experiences??



## lifeshard (Sep 29, 2014)

Can anyone who has reconciled after infidelity please share their experience? I know it will be different for everyone, but I would like to get some ideas of what to expect.

Thanks


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

My story link in my signature


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You will experience a roller coaster of emotions. Love, rage, caring, hate, etc. IF you hit indifference, I will tell you now, divorce. The opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference.
These emotions will come and go. I am 10 months into my reconciliation. Most of my triggers are gone. 
I do believe it is a good idea to discuss your triggers with your SO/WS if you are reconciling. I certainly did, and my SO takes steps to avoid setting me off. This is a very personal and difficult conversation to have, but necessary. 

Now, I know when I was trying to reconcile while married, I kept fearing she would decide to leave in a few years, and go for the house, my paycheck, and whatever else she wanted. 
I don't know if you'll have the same problems. Maybe worse, because they may run off with the kids. I don't have any, so I don't know how that would work into it, but I know it would plague my mind. 

I am also divorced, even though we are still together. My reason for the divorce were numerous. Partly because I wanted to punish her, and put to bed some of my fears. 

Assuming the WS is genuinely sorry, they will go out of their way to make you feel loved. This does make trying to fall back in love easier. 

If you could give us more background, we could give you a better idea of what you may expect.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Can anyone who has reconciled after infidelity please share their experience? I know it will be different for everyone, but I would like to get some ideas of what to expect.


Can you tell us a little bit more about your situation?

I can tell you that during my R one very important part was for me the BS to use the crises for me to take a very good look at myself and use the crises to improve myself. That is one experience but there are many


----------



## lifeshard (Sep 29, 2014)

I have posted a thread telling my situation but to summarize, my H has been having an EA for the past 4-5 weeks. He says they ended it a week ago. I'm not sure it really ended but he does seem different, as in "back to normal". (no cheating signs as before)

I worry that he is playing it cool until everything dies down, then he may start it back up, if it actually ended. Obviously my trust is gone and that worries me. I do want to save my marriage and he says he wants the same.

He works out of town which makes it easy for him to have an A, but he has offered to find work close to home so I will know where he is and what he is doing at all times. We have agreed that would be best, but we wont be able to afford that for a few months. In the mean time, how do I deal with the wondering?


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

lifeshard said:


> I have posted a thread telling my situation but to summarize, my H has been having an EA for the past 4-5 weeks. He says they ended it a week ago. I'm not sure it really ended but he does seem different, as in "back to normal". (no cheating signs as before)
> 
> I worry that he is playing it cool until everything dies down, then he may start it back up, if it actually ended. Obviously my trust is gone and that worries me. I do want to save my marriage and he says he wants the same.
> 
> He works out of town which makes it easy for him to have an A, but he has offered to find work close to home so I will know where he is and what he is doing at all times. We have agreed that would be best, but we wont be able to afford that for a few months. In the mean time, how do I deal with the wondering?


You are jumping the gun and getting ahead of yourself. If you are already distracted from the real issue by entertaining reconciliation right now, then I guarantee he will rug sweep it and you'll be right back here. 

First thing is first. At this point you should be ensuring that the affair is really dead. Also, you should be in a trial phase where you keep him in limbo hell proving his remorse to you. 

Please educate yourself on the subject of "rug sweeping".


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

If and when you get to the point where you want to study reconciliation there is a good thread here in CWI called Reconciliation by B1.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Tried, went as far as remarriage but the gaping "emotional bond" blackhole worsened and now it's divorce X2.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My wife had an EA with a long time guy friend. The EA was 3 1/2 years ago. It was pretty deep and was very, very difficult to break, mostly because they had a 20 year friendship before the EA.

Our R process has been hard, but worth it. The first 2 years it was hardest on me. Constant doubt, monitoring email/FB/etc. It just sucked. Around the 2 year mark I got more comfortable, felt safer, but I have slipped into some of my old "taking her for granted" habits, which was part of the problem in the first place.

The last 1-1/2 years, R has probably been harder for my W than for me. With her being out of contact with the OM and having lost that friendship, she's relying on me, more and more, and when I don't deliver, she feels stuck and sad. And that's my fault.

It's work. But in the end, our kids have flourished, and we've had some great stretches of time that make me realize how close I came to losing it all. So despite the work I'm glad we went the R route.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My thread, "When is Enough, Enough?" is stickied in the Reconciliation forum. It spans the 3 year story. We did end up with a successful R. As in your case it was an EA but it had been under the radar for about a year before discovery.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

I was very hurt from the discovery of WW and her A. I basically went into a "tailspin" for over a year. Just went through the motions in just about everything. WW never did much to help me or to R and in fact turned on me with her anger and things really went down hill. Tried in my own way to 180 (didn't know about that then, just sort of happened). That seemed to amp up WW anger more. Things finally came to a head about two and half years ago. WW came home drunk from a party and picked a fight with me with her saying the most mean and hateful things and then demanding a D. Our youngest son heard all of this and basically had an emotional meltdown in the ensuing days.

Told WW if she wanted a D go get a lawyer and get on with it. Had tried to get her to go to MC for over a year prior to this but she just wouldn't go. In fact she broke down crying the last time I brought it up saying she just couldn't and wouldn't go. That's when I decided the M was over and I would just ride it out until he goes to college (he's a sophomore in HS now). It's not what should be and certainly not what I would recommend to anyone (nor would most of you either) but my son's mental health means more to me than the pain I endure from a sham of a M. 

From my standpoint R takes both BS and WS to make it work. It's an uphill battle. To those that make it good for you. I just don't think R has much of a chance most of the time because the effort required and the recovery needed is huge. Most BS are shell shocked. Even the most sincere WS attempting R has to work past the pain they caused the BS and that may just sap the energy needed for full R. A lot of people just don't have that fight in them. Is that right or wrong I don't know? What I do know is being on the BS side of the fence is a personal hell that hurts on many levels. Both the heart and the mind.


----------



## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

lifeshard said:


> Can anyone who has reconciled after infidelity please share their experience? I know it will be different for everyone, but I would like to get some ideas of what to expect.
> 
> Thanks


You must be at least half guilty as him or her.

That is a very important start for a succesful end.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I tried, she failed, in the process of divorce.

Best advice, just get divorced and separate.

The past comes back and slaps you in the face when you least expect it, the loss of trust haunts every second they are late, every text to say they're delayed, every new opposite sex contact is questioned and life becomes paranoia for a long time, almost until you feel like just giving up on life.

Try R, but it is a bitter pill to swallow.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

lifeshard said:


> Can anyone who has reconciled after infidelity please share their experience? I know it will be different for everyone, but I would like to get some ideas of what to expect.
> 
> Thanks



All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true
it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20. 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that. 
But WS did.

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.
That is the hardest thing to live with. 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does. 
That time is gone. 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them. 
That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong. 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead. 
And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it. 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B. 

R is the Plan B version of marriage. 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness. 
A more tolerable kind of sadness.


I could not nor would i EVER forget what my WW did.....i filed for D...I think had I stayed and tried to R ...I truly think this would have been my future!

My question to you ...Why in Gods name are you still with this person...??

My hope is that you can leave asap!! and be in control of your own life..


There is another couple on this site ...that the wife had and A over 25 years ago...told him the details ( as asked by him)...25 YEARS LATER HE STILL STRUGGLES AND TRIGGERS...for the LOVE OF CHRIST...WHY????? If that is R...YOU CAN KEEP IT..


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

lifeshard said:


> Can anyone who has reconciled after infidelity please share their experience? I know it will be different for everyone, but I would like to get some ideas of what to expect.
> 
> Thanks


My WH and I are reconciling. It's been about 1.5 years since D Day. 

The hardest thing has Been the never ending roller coaster of emotions. I was always very calm, moderate, etc. Now - even still! - I have triggers and mood swings quite often. 

It's been hard, and it has required enormous growth, humility, etc from both of us. 

Good luck. Go in with realistic expectations and be sure that your wayward spouse shares them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

commonsenseisn't said:


> You are jumping the gun and getting ahead of yourself. If you are already distracted from the real issue by entertaining reconciliation right now, then I guarantee he will rug sweep it and you'll be right back here.
> 
> First thing is first. At this point you should be ensuring that the affair is really dead. Also, you should be in a trial phase where you keep him in limbo hell proving his remorse to you.
> 
> Please educate yourself on the subject of "rug sweeping".


^^THIS.^^ 
Do not bypass this response above. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200... you have to first deal with what happened, and whether it is in fact really no longer happening. You haven't done that yet, and moving right into R is practically condoning what happened, not addressing why, not getting him to "get it", to be remorseful and recognize what he has done to you, to your marriage. And sets you both up to rugsweep, like is said above, and sets you up to be a doormat for accepting it with no consequences for him.

It's a journey and a process, and you're on it whether you want to be or not. Don't try to skip to the end because it can't be done.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't rugsweep. We did, which spiralled into my stupid, drunken revenge affair.

So we then had her affair and my affair to get through. But, we did get through them, eventually.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Lifeshard

In my case misery, shock, disbelief, sadness, rage, depression, and numbness. I am almost ten months from d-day and my WW's affair is on my mind every day. There is no break, there is no timeouts, just purely brutal raw emotions. All of these emotions must be communicated between the BS and the WS. It is the most difficult path I have ever chosen in life. Not saying you can't R but it is difficult and that is with a determined BS and WS. Good luck to you and sorry you are here.


----------



## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I didn't read any of the other responses yet, but I wanted to add mine to it before I did. 

My husband has had 4 separate indiscretions. Only 2 of them were people he saw in real life and the other 2 were internet sext partners basically. His first infidelity was almost 7 years ago. The second was a little over 3 years ago, his third was last fall and we are about 6 weeks past D-day on this last one (the worst one). He never physically touched any of these women. He's all talk, then backs out at the last minute. 

I am an emotional basketcase about 40% of the time. The first 2 are in the past, they no longer bother me much. The last 2 however, daily I go through anger, sadness, hatred (for him and the women), despair, grief, and the physical pain of nerves churning in my stomach. 

HOWEVER, I have given him his last chance this time (I was leaving, then he literally got on his knees and begged me to give him one last chance). Since this last one, he has been so much better. He is reading "Not Just Friends" with me, "His Needs, Her Needs" we just got but haven't started and he is making a very big effort to show me he's mine and mine alone. I have full access to his email, texts, web browser history, all passwords to every account he has. This time feels different than the other ones, I truly believe that as long as we keep working on it, we will be okay. He's doing the little things again, being very patient with my asking him the same questions over and over, and he's encouraging me to heal myself and our marriage. 

Recovering is possible, but it's a lot of hard work and it takes 100% dedication from both people in the relationship and the complete avoidance of the 3rd party.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

lifeshard said:


> *I have posted a thread telling my situation *but to summarize, my H has been having an EA for the past 4-5 weeks. He says they ended it a week ago. I'm not sure it really ended but he does seem different, as in "back to normal". (no cheating signs as before)
> 
> I worry that he is playing it cool until everything dies down, then he may start it back up, if it actually ended. Obviously my trust is gone and that worries me. I do want to save my marriage and he says he wants the same.
> 
> He works out of town which makes it easy for him to have an A, but he has offered to find work close to home so I will know where he is and what he is doing at all times. We have agreed that would be best, but we wont be able to afford that for a few months. In the mean time, how do I deal with the wondering?


You must have deleted your thread because you're listed with only two posts and both of those are in this thread. :scratchhead:


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op. 

What ever route you choose, realize it's truly is a life changing event. In the strangest way whatever choice is made, one start living in the present in ways that one may have forgotten how to do. 

~sammy


----------



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

OP, what are your expectations?


----------

