# Support for Wayward Spouses



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I've been back in therapy for my eating disorder, and have begun eating again. I've also been trying every day to take better care of myself, and balance self-care, my studies, housework, and of course, spending time with my husband and making him feel special and loved.

Now that I'm in a slightly better place, and very much enjoying the luxury of eating whenever I'm hungry, I once again thought about all the support and care I've recived at home from doctors, family members, and my beloved husband, and once again thought about how unfair it is that WSes are often denied the same. I'm pretty much over the aftershocks of my affair. I haven't had a nightmare or an intrusive thought about the OM in months, and my husband is, as usual, emotionally settled with what happened in the past. 

Now that things are better for me, I got the desire to help someone else out who has been in my situation(s). I'm part of an eating disorder recovery group on Tumblr where we all support each other and spread positivity. One way I bring myself out of self-loathing and worry is to help others. For every betrayed spouse on TAM, there's also a wayward spouse, somewhere, yet I've seen very few threads lately posted by them. So I thought I'd start a thread for Wayward spouses, or former Waywards, where they-- we-- can share similar positivity and encouragement, or vent, or ask for or give help and gentle support. 

I have several self-care guides I hand-made on photoshop, and I put them in a recovery journal and work on them. A lot of content is specifically related to my eating disorder, but there's also things about emotional regulation and self-love and coping with certain fears and intrusive thoughts that might be useful to you, too. I'll post some of them if you wish.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am pleased you are doing well.

Had you thought about taking some basic counselling courses?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Not really. I know well enough from personal experience how to validate and encourage others.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I second the start of taking counseling courses, I think you would excel. I hope your thread is helpful to others, not all wayward spouses are bad people. People can change if they work hard and become much better people.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Now Edited to include my Article!!

Hey there. My name's Ella and I'm sorry you're going through this. You have my full support and empathy. You are NOT a bad person and you deserve good things. I know you have it in you to get through this and survive. May I offer you some advice and resources? I have to warn you, this is going to be a long one, mostly copy-pasted from things I've posted on other infidelity websites.

*TL;DR: You're not a bad person. Don't hate yourself. Take as much time to relax and heal yourself as you can. Do what your spouse asks you to, but set a deadline for a later date so you can prepare. Validate and comfort yourself. Grieve for the relationship(s) you've lost. Understand your feelings. Try to understand your spouse's feelings. Seriously, DO NOT HATE YOURSELF. Reward yourself for doing the right thing. Click the blue links below for more help. You can do this. I believe in you.*

First, a brief word about my own affair, so you can understand where I'm coming from. I cheated on my husband in 2014 with a man I met online who, at first, seemed charismatic, brilliant, and likable. I quickly developed a crush on him and one night, I told him I loved him. After that, long story made very short, he blackmailed me with my confession of love and tried to coerce me to move in with him, threatening my life and limb if I said no. It went from "I like you too." to "I'll kill you if you talk" in the span of about a month. At the end of that month, I went into the hospital and got counselling for abuse. I began having graphic nightmares about being raped by this guy. I was treated for trauma. In the hospital, I realized that in confessing my love for him and having feelings for him, I cheated on my husband. I confessed in the hospital, but couldn't really help my BH with his recovery since I remained in intensive trauma therapy myself for 6 months or so. My own trauma has subsided, My BH and I have reconciled, and while I'd be honored to help him with his own triggers regarding the affair, he doesn't seem to have any.

Okay, backstory over, time for me to help you:

In my search through half a dozen books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of forum posts on multiple websites dedicated to recovering from infidelity, I noticed that something was missing. There was a wealth of good advice on how to comfort your Betrayed Spouse, but very little on how to comfort yourself. So many Wayward Spouses, whilst trying to navigate the mess they made, find themselves biting their tongues in a herculean effort not to wail, “But what about ME?!! This hurts ME too, you know!!”

And if you, as a Wayward Spouse, have ever actually said that aloud, you’ve probably been made aware of how selfish it sounds. Almost everyone who finds out about the affair, from your Betrayed Spouse to their friends and family to your co-workers to strangers on the internet, are going to be judgmental and quite possibly a little hateful towards you. They couldn’t care less if they tried about your feelings, and might even want you to suffer. This is to be expected. After all, you broke your Betrayed Spouse’s heart and very likely traumatized them for life. At the same time, though, your needs are still valid. Your pain is still valid. You may not have a right to say so out loud to your partner, but you have a right to feel how you feel. You can’t control other people’s criticism or insults. But you can still control you, and if you treat yourself well you can make this a little less agonizing on yourself.


* 1)Take time for yourself if at all possible.* Schedule time in. Mark it on your calendar. Most people probably don’t have this much time, but an hour on weekdays, 2-3 days a week, and several hours on Saturday or Sunday is ideal if you can spare it.

You should use 2/3 of your free time to focus on helping your spouse and rebuilding your bond, and the remaining 1/3 is yours to process and heal. For example, if you have 2 hours free on a certain weeknight, 40 minutes should be dedicated to processing and healing.

This will be easier if your spouse has done the 180 and you're currently living alone. If you haven't been kicked out of the marital home, you will need to inform your Betrayed Spouse that you would like to spend X amount of time a week alone, thinking about what you've done. The fact that you’re asking for time to process will prove to them that you're trying, but you SHOULDN'T spend that time whipping yourself. Use the time to deal with the consequences of your actions, yes, but also to process and honor your emotions, and to relax and have some much-needed downtime. 

If you find yourself depressed, alone, not wanting to go out, and just generally beside yourself with emotion and you don't know what to do, You Feel Like Sh*t is my favorite self-care guide in that it's interactive. It asks you a series of questions and then gives you advice, one step at a time, based upon your responses. I often use it when I'm feeling so upset I don't think I even have the power to move, or when I'm feeling vaguely "bad" but have no idea why. Nine times out of ten, it gets me back on my feet. It would be a great tool to use (in conjunction with the abandonment workbook and a long bubble bath!) when you're feeling particularly stressed over your Betrayed's pain or especially mournful over your former Affair Partner. Obviously, if even that doesn't help, you feel suicidal, and/or you're bogged down with sadness in a way that seems overbearing or unusual for you, see a doctor or a therapist, of which I am neither.

You probably have restrictions now about where you can be and when and with whom. But you can work within them and carve out space for yourself even so. For example, your Betrayed Spouse might not want you to leave the house by yourself for anything other than work or errands. That’s okay. You can take up a spare bedroom with just yourself, a relaxing hobby, and/or a marriage book specifically for Wayward Spouses. Shut yourself in the bathroom and have a bubble bath with some relaxing music playing. Watch a light-hearted movie (No romances for now). If you ARE going out, offer to check in every hour, and send a text or a photo of yourself. In between check-ins, take the time to relax, pamper yourself (because you DESERVE IT!!), and process your feelings. I'll tell you more about HOW, exactly, to process your feelings below.

*2) Take time to prepare for big tasks.* If your spouse asks you to do something that makes you feel overwhelmed, hopeless and terrified (e.g. write a timeline, take a polygraph, or have a long conversation about the A) plan out when specifically- date and time- that you will be able to fulfill said request. Tell your spouse, "I will (insert request here), but I need some time to prepare. Can I (insert request here) for you on (date) at (time)?” Then take a break. 

Process your feelings and relax until the specified time. Having a deadline or a specific time set means you can't avoid your partner's request. No excuses. It has to be done on time, but since you've taken time beforehand, you will hopefully be as relaxed and prepared as you can be when the time comes.

*3) Validate yourself.* During this time where it may feel like no one is there for you, be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself. Don’t lie to yourself or minimize what you’ve done, but don’t be overly harsh either. Heaven knows you get enough vitriol from everybody else. So acknowledge your successes, even if you’re the only one who will. 

Validation does not mean that the affair was okay or that you should act on your feelings, only that you recognize the feelings are there. Address yourself comfortingly and soothingly without justifying the affair. For example, if you’ve gone two weeks without talking to your affair partner, you could say, “I’ve been through two weeks of missing my ex, and I survived! Someday soon, I won’t miss them anymore.” Or if your Betrayed Spouse lashes out at you, you might think to yourself, “This is really painful and difficult for me, but I’m doing the best I can, and can get through it.” If you miss your affair partner and want to call them, you might say to yourself, "It's natural to miss someone I've had a romantic/sexual relationship with, but I can't call them because I made a promise to my spouse not to hurt them anymore by contacting my ex."

*4) Grieve.* Most of the advice on infidelity websites states that you should never allow your feelings of sorrow to get in the way of helping your Betrayed Spouse to heal. That you should never allow your grief to be an excuse to resume the affair or to avoid personal accountability for the affair. This advice is absolutely correct, but despite what anyone else says, you do have a right to be upset.

The truth of the matter is, you’re grieving the loss of a relationship. It was a wrong relationship, an illegitimate relationship, a relationship you should never have had. But it was still something you lost. You broke up with your affair partner; it’s a breakup. Your Betrayed Spouse could very well divorce you in the aftermath of your infidelity, so you may be grieving the loss of your marriage as well. And if you bottle up all that grief and pretend you don't feel it, it's going to come out in more destructive ways later. 

So it's very important that you take some time for yourself (Preferably, the aforementioned alone time) to process your own pain. Go ahead, indulge. Eat half a pint of ice cream, play that one sad love song over and over, write your affair partner a letter and burn it. Break out the tissues and cry until you're totally spent, then wash your face and have some tea. Do all the things people do to move past a breakup, so long as nothing you’re doing is harmful (such as drinking, drugs, or texting your ex). This is a breakup, and you’re strong enough to get through it.

Thisis a link I've found telling you a little more and how and why getting rid of all your grief and pain is important. It’s a publication that tells a wayward spouse who is considering ending or who has just ended an affair how to go no-contact, stay no-contact, and deal with their own private grief over losing their affair partner. It explains that while going no-contact, getting rid of affair memorabilia, and banishing them from your heart is necessary, it also says that honest, true, and final grieving for the fantasy life you thought was real is equally necessary. It offers no judgment of a Wayward's character, only of their actions.

Another book I love is The Abandonment Recovery Workbook and it is one I have bought and used myself. I didn't use it to get over my OM specifically, but rather to grieve the loss of a friendship. Still, as it was written with both Wayward Spouses AND Betrayed Spouses in mind, and does not differentiate between either's pain, and treats them with equal compassion, I consider it absolutely ideal in helping the grieved and hurting Wayward deal non-judgmentally with the sometimes all-consuming pain that composes the consequences of your actions and the loss of your fantasy relationship.

5) *Name your feelings.* An unfortunate part of being a Wayward Spouse is that you seem to forfeit the rights to your own feelings. You can’t go to your ex for comfort, your friends and family will probably be too furious with you to help you identify and process your emotions. Commonly, the advice is given that whatever you do, you can’t expect your spouse to be considerate of your feelings. Since you and your feelings for your affair partner have caused so much pain and suffering to your Betrayed Spouse, chances are pretty good that they couldn’t care less what your feelings are about your infidelity. That is valid. They have every right to be hurt.

BUT, your emotions are valid too, and you have a right- indeed, an obligation to yourself- to feel them in their entirety. During your aforementioned alone time, it can really help state your feelings out loud into a voice recorder, or write them down in a journal- _especially_ if they are the sort of feelings that aren’t socially acceptable to share with others. Go into detail about your feelings. Examples might be, “I feel angry with my Betrayed Spouse because s/he isn't sympathetic towards me over the loss of my affair partner” Or, “I feel grieved because I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of my affair partner and I wish I could go see him/her”. 

Your feelings may not be socially acceptable to talk about, and they may be wrong to act upon, but feelings, in and of themselves, are neither good nor bad. They are what they are, and you have the right to feel them.

If you are having trouble identifying or expressing your emotions, it would be VERY wise to get an individual counselor with experience in infidelity to vent to. They will help you process without judging you, yet still hold you accountable for your actions.

* 6) Practice empathy.* Sometimes self-care means doing difficult things, things that you dread doing in the short run, because you know it will make your life better in the long run. Once you have labeled your feelings and felt them, do your best to imagine what it would be like if the person you loved romantically cheated on you. Try to develop empathy for your Betrayed Spouse. Imagine if they felt for their affair partner what you feel for yours. Imagine if they told you they wished you’d stop complaining because they’re suffering too. Think about how this would make you feel. This is *not* to shame you, but to develop empathy and remorse. Yes, you’re hurting because of what you’ve done, and you absolutely have the right to feel and process all of your hurt, but your Betrayed Spouse is hurting as well. They need you. So put yourself in their shoes, and go read all of those other books, the ones that tell you how to help your Betrayed Spouse, and take the advice on board. Even if it feels miserable to face up to what you’ve done or to have to comfort someone else when you’re in pain, it will make your marriage better in the long run. If it takes you too long to come to the recognition that you have severely hurt your spouse and that you need to help them, you'll probably lose your spouse. Therefore, I recommend you at least *start* trying to read the below material whether you feel ready or not. The eagerness to help heal will come with time. If you lead with the head, the heart will follow eventually. 

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is an oft-recommended gold standard for both Wayward and Betrayed Spouses, as it helps to elucidate BOTH parties' thoughts, feelings, and motivations during every stage of an affair and afterwards. There are some hard-hitting truths in here about the real nature, consequences, and longevity of affair relationships, but if you're a Wayward Spouse, they are things you need to hear. You can't properly grieve for the alleged "perfect relationship" you've lost if you don't understand why you never really had it in the first place. It also gives you some pointers on what your spouse is currently feeling and why, and what you can do to help them feel better. Myself, I bought the e-book and the audiobook and my BH (Betrayed Husband) and I listen together to a few chapters every once in a while. He says he finds it enlightening rather than triggering.

How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair is another big one people recommend here a lot. I've read it, and while I personally find it a little dry and unemotional, it's a decent how-to guide. I've also read an article by our very own @Affaircare called Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse and it is much more succinct and to-the-point about what your spouse is feeling, why they are feeling that way, and how to help them through the pain your actions have caused them. Word of obvious warning, this isn't easy stuff to digest. A lot of it will trigger feelings of guilt and shame. For the most part, the only way to cope with that is to push the feelings down for a little while in moments when your spouse needs you to listen to them, comfort them, and reassure them. Forget what you feel for a few short moments and focus on doing and saying whatever they need you to. Focus on being their healer. You can take time to yourself later to decompress and unpack your horrible, guilty, doleful feelings when you are alone.

* 7) Separate shame from remorse.* So much of the counsel in infidelity circles chastens the Wayward Spouse to become remorseful, and fast. The same advisors will tell the betrayed to look for remorse in their partner- and leave if they don’t see enough of it. But remorse isn’t shame. Shame involves self-loathing and it considers the fatal flaw to be you as a person, not the infidelity. Shame says, “I’m a terrible person. I’ll always be a terrible person. I’m worthless. Why even try?” 

Remorse, on the other hand, knows that the flaw was in what you did, but not in who you are. Remorse says, “I made a terrible choice. I devastated my spouse, and that will take a long time to recover from. But I can and will recover from it because I am capable of being a better person than my actions have shown. From now on, I’m going to be the good person I know I can be.” Remorse is determined, rather than defeated. When you catch yourself calling yourself names or condemning yourself, try to re-frame the thought as hating your past behavior rather than hating who you are as a person.

* 8) Reward Yourself.* You probably don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, and the horrific reality of where your marriage now stands coupled with the pain of loss might make it that much harder for you to find motivation to do what’s right. You can light a candle or two in that tunnel yourself, though. Every week you don’t text your affair partner, every time you take a major step towards healing your Betrayed Spouse and yourself, every hurdle you overcome is cause to celebrate your progress. Reward yourself for sticking with it. 
Perhaps give yourself X amount of money every week you don’t contact your ex affair partner, and save up to buy something extravagant. Examples might be a spa treatment, a new device of your choosing, or a new playlist from iTunes. 

Another thing you might do is to reward yourself with something special after you’ve overcome a hurdle such as taking a polygraph, or reached a milestone such as 6 months without your affair partner. Especially when no one else is willing to acknowledge your accomplishments, do so yourself and treat yourself after doing something especially emotionally taxing.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The worst part about being a Wayward Spouse is that no one seems to care about your suffering. The Betrayed Spouse comes first, which leaves precious little room for your own hurt and healing. While it’s true that you must now put your spouse’s needs above your own, the good news is that you don’t have to neglect yourself in the process. If you have cheated on your spouse and are now trying to navigate the chaotic despair, I wish you good luck, better guidance, and healing. As an end note, please remember that this too shall pass, even if it looks from all angles that your life will be like this forever. It won't. As you and your Betrayed Spouse heal together, you can take comfort in knowing that you were part of their healing.


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