# Where to next...



## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I am new to this site and I am looking for some advice. A little background might help. I am 4o years old. I was born and raised in Ontario, Canada. I spent many years on the road as a long haul truck driver. I came off the road in 2001 and thought it was time to settle down. In 2002 I was on a community group on line and that is where I met my wife. We spent months chatting on line then on the phone and we finally agreed to met in person. I proposed to her that first time we met in person. ^ hours after first meeting her... Fast forward to 2006. After the birth of our daughter she comes out to me and tells me she was abused as a child by an uncle. I fully supported her in her battle, I even moved 2000 miles away from my family to make sure she was happy and got the help she needed.. Since that time, we moved in 2008... she has become a very mean, nasty, negative person.. At least until I tell her that I want a seperation, then she becomes caring, loving and would do anything to make me stay.. After about the tenth time I discovered thats exactly what she is doing... Whatever she needs to do to get me to stay. Now I know everyone seems to think that if you love some one your "in love with them" Well I dont feel that way any more. I do love my wife (soon to be ex Im sure).. But I do not have that spark, that deep passion for her or love her that way anymor. I know that for me to be happy Ihave to do things that make me happy. I have spent many years making others happy at my expense.... I have two kids and adore them and would do anything for them.. I just wonder... I am about to move out compeletly and dont know how to tell her... I am not tryoing to be hurtful or anything but need her to know that I do not feel the same way naymore.. sometimes I feel like I never really felt that way,, just did it to make her happy.. thought I loved her.... More to come later.......


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You should consider marriage counseling to determine what the nest step should be.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I have talked to her about counseling and she says that we have to go see her councilor ... I don't know why everybody thinks that every marriage has to work out.. I just don't love her anymore.. And thru my counseling I am wondering if I every really did.. I had just come off the highway as a long haul driver and was 32 single.. Never really dated and my parents knew I was the only hope for grsngkids.. I mey her online and it was very fast romance.. Met in June.. Married the next may.. Its almost as if we tried yo build a relationship out of a marriage and not the other way around... Do I not have to be truthful to myself and feel what I feel.. I've aloud others over time to manipulate me to feel what they want me to feel.. I'm standing tall now and fighting for me.. Just needed to vent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

hurtingsodeeply said:


> She has become a very mean, nasty, negative person.. At least until I tell her that I want a seperation, then she becomes caring, loving and would do anything to make me stay..


Hurting, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry you are in such a painful relationship. The behaviors you describe -- verbally abusive, mean, vindictive, lack of impulse control, flipping from adoring you to hating you in ten seconds, and a cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back (which happened to you ten times) -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Moreover, 70% of BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits) report that they were abused or abandoned in childhood. Although most abused children do not develop strong BPD traits, the abuse GREATLY raises their risk of doing so. And sexual abuse -- as your W suffered in childhood -- is more strongly associated with BPD than other types of abuse. 

If your W really is suffering a pattern of strong BPD traits, you likely would also be seeing several other traits you do not mention. BPDers typically exhibit other behaviors such as constant blaming, having an "I am a victim" mentality, inability to trust you for any extended period, a fear of abandonment, a fear of engulfment during intimacy, and a very controlling nature. They also tend to do much black-white thinking, wherein they categorize everyone as "all good" and "all bad" -- and criticize their spouses for "_never_ doing this" and "_always_ doing that."

If this discussion rings a bell, I would encourage you to read more about BPD traits so you know what it is you may be dealing with. This is important because this woman will be helping to raise your children even after you leave her. If she is a BPDer, you need to know what to expect and how to deal with her. Moreover, recent studies indicate that the children of a BPDer parent probably will NOT develop the disorder -- but they are at much greater risk for doing so because genetics appears to play an important role (as does childhood abuse).

An easy place to start reading is my discussion of BPD traits in Husky's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/34222-thinking-giving-up.html#post472524. If that discussion is helpful and the traits sound familiar, you may also want to check out my posts in GTRR's thread. They start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. If you have questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to good online resources. I also would encourage you to raise such questions with your therapist. Only a professional can determine whether a person's BPD traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Take care, Hurting.


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