# I forgive him, how do I get him to forgive himself?



## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Dh and I have been in reconciliation now for over a year. We are good, I trust him, and he really hates what happened. 
Small background before my question. We were married for 26 years, my husband for many reasons had basically a mid life crisis. He started getting involved with a woman he used to work with. There was no sex involved, but he almost left me for her.

on to now.... I am happy, we are doing great. We are both Christians, and believe that once God forgives he forgives, there is no need to keep asking for it.
My problem is my husband is living in shame still for what happened, he cannot forgive himself! and it is making him depressed and is affecting our life together. If anyone here is the person who cheated, how did you go about forgiving yourself? I tell him all the time, I forgive! I try hard not to bring it up, unless there is something he does or says that needs addressing. This is more our ongoing effort to make our communication better.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

two reasons I could think of. 
1) he didn't tell you everything. (common)
2) he didn't tell you EVERYTHING

sorry guilt is guilt and from your post and how neat and contrite it was I fear you may have rugswept something and he is trying to tell you there is more. But he just can't cause he knows it will hurt you oh so much more than the little bit he has told you. Trickle truth


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

unfortunately I agree with badbane, if he's still beating himself up at this point even after your forgiveness and a year later...then there is probably more to the story :\. I hope it's not true, but I cant think of any other reason.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I am in the same boat. We are doing well, however, husband goes in and out of a funk. He tells me that he hates who he became and what he did to our family. It kills him when people tell him that he is a great father. It kills him that his job requires himto pass judgement on others, and he consantly has to look at peoples history, and when certain dates pop up, he said he triggers, and I can tell. He tears up sometimes for almost no reason, much like we BS's do. I think if a person is truly remorseful and ashamed of what they allowed temselves to do, it would take them a long time to get past things, and even then, what they did is always there, so they (if they are remorseful), may always have triggers themselves.

Lets look at it this way - you are in R for almost a year? For me, I have come to realize, it will take a full year at least of R and no contact for me to regain somethig of what I lost. Every holiday, birthday, special event that happened during the time I now know that he talked to her before DD - I have to have happen at least once for me to enjoy it the next time. For now, each of those is a trigger that I push through. I have to know that it is now special again, just between us. I don't know, maybe a WS feels something similar....until they go full circle, they cannot feel whole again.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I may be a bit jaded but I agree with the other two...something is up.

When your spouse, that treated you like crap, cheated on you and almost dumped you, gets you back guilt is not the overriding emotion...joy is.

In addition, he was going to leave you for a woman he did not sleep with? The likelihood of that happening is never.

I am not trying to burst your bubble but if you really want to help him perhaps you should reopen the "truth" he told you and ask if there is anything else he wants to share? I trust your opinion completely that he is remorseful and the marriage is back on track but he may be carrying something around he really needs to let go of.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

sit him down and give him the chance to talk about it....
let him know that this isn't okay.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Bella, I wrestled with this as well. Granted, I didn't wrestle for a year with it, But I couldn't understand HOW my husband could forgive me, when I couldn't forgive myself. I understood that God forgives, but it didn't really take root in my heart UNTIL my dad sent me this text, when I was telling him how hard it was to forgive myself. And yes, this was after coming clean to my own family as well. 

"Keep in mind, God CAN, & WILL, forgive all confessed sins. Confess, and believe, it is done. Tell yourself 'I choose to forgive me for my lapse and for talking to other men about my marital troubles'. Cling to Him and He will help you to do it. Believe [your husband] when he tells you he has forgiven you. The adversary will do all he can to cause you guilt, bringing this up with every opportunity. Meet it with the reminder that you have confessed and been forgiven this. By God, and almost as important, your mate."

My response to that was: "I've told [my husband] about how hard it is. He seems to understand. I'm taking [a female friend's] advice... limited contact with opposite sex. And that's helping."

Dad said "Just remember, the adversary will keep throwing this at you anyway, in an attempt to convince you to do this. What [female friend] told you is very good advice. That will strictly limit the temptation to start doing it again. Talk to [husband], let him know it isn't him, it's the old feelings. You are going through a form of PTSD, it comes after any type of tension/anxiety, mental/physical/spiritual battle. After prolonged 'battle', there is severe let down."

In my case, this was a mere weeks after D-day. But, by forgiving myself daily, and accepting that I AM forgiven by both God and my husband, I finally got past the feeling that I was not worth being forgiven. 

And, no, there was nothing withheld in what I did. It was my own feelings...that I was unforgivable. Perhaps the others are correct.... but there is an equal possibility that he is feeling as I did.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Falene said:


> I may be a bit jaded but I agree with the other two...something is up.
> 
> When your spouse, that treated you like crap, cheated on you and almost dumped you, gets you back guilt is not the overriding emotion...joy is.
> 
> ...



...my experience goes very much against what you are stating as fact. Although I walked away from my very inappropriate friendship, it was very hard for me and to this day I still harbor some sorrow for not having her in my life......yes i am glad that my wife and I are doing better together, and yes I feel guilt, both about the stress that my wife has gone thru, and also probably about the fact that I even miss my inappropriate friend....and no, we never had any type of sexual relationship. Guilt can be coming from a lot of things, but I do believe that he has not yet really opened up to what is really going on in his head. I am guessing that his feelings and thoughts both confuse and scare him, and that he wishes that any residual feelings for this EA OW would just go away so he could focus fully on his wife......just isn't that easy unfortunately.....just another opinion though.....I have been known to be wrong.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

oneMOreguy said:


> ...my experience goes very much against what you are stating as fact. Although I walked away from my very inappropriate friendship, it was very hard for me and to this day I still harbor some sorrow for not having her in my life......yes i am glad that my wife and I are doing better together, and yes I feel guilt, both about the stress that my wife has gone thru, and also probably about the fact that I even miss my inappropriate friend....and no, we never had any type of sexual relationship. Guilt can be coming from a lot of things, but I do believe that he has not yet really opened up to what is really going on in his head. I am guessing that his feelings and thoughts both confuse and scare him, and that he wishes that any residual feelings for this EA OW would just go away so he could focus fully on his wife......just isn't that easy unfortunately.....just another opinion though.....I have been known to be wrong.


I was stating my opinion. I have no facts.

I truly felt it was almost a total impossibility that a man would want to leave his wife for a woman he never had sex with. I stand corrected.


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## Mr.not.so.right (Aug 28, 2012)

Make sure he has told you everything. It does sound like he still feels guilty, that will probably never fully leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It's not mine:


> *The soul feels the heaviness of a lie whether it is our or not it doesn't respond well to it. It want's to reject the lie. It want's to be released from it. The only way for that to happen, the only way to heal, is through confession. It doesn't alone heal but it begins the cleansing.*


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Exactly, Acabado.

Not to get all preachy with everyone, but Bella, you did say you are a Christian, right?

_"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace."
Ephesians 1:7

"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.""
Isaiah 1:18 

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."Matthew 6:14-15_

Just tell him to keep that in mind, every single day. Those are just a few verses I found about forgiveness. They have helped me. Hopefully, they will help him as well.


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## JamesStevl (Sep 19, 2012)

It kills him when people tell him that he is a great father


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Thank you Maricha. Yes we are Christians, which is making this so hard for me as well. He knows the verses, he knows, but he is feeling like he SHOULD be punished for doing wrong. So I guess guilt is not the right word. We are having some financial issues right now, and he said to me, I should not complain, I should suffer for the pain I caused... this is so hard for me to reconcile, because he KNOWS God does not make us pay for our sins, when we repent, the slate is clean. He is living in defeat from his sins. This is what I am having a hard time overcoming. And believe me I tell him and pray, intellectually he knows, in his heart, he is still beating himself up.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I am in the same boat. We are doing well, however, husband goes in and out of a funk. He tells me that he hates who he became and what he did to our family. It kills him when people tell him that he is a great father. It kills him that his job requires himto pass judgement on others, and he consantly has to look at peoples history, and when certain dates pop up, he said he triggers, and I can tell. He tears up sometimes for almost no reason, much like we BS's do. I think if a person is truly remorseful and ashamed of what they allowed temselves to do, it would take them a long time to get past things, and even then, what they did is always there, so they (if they are remorseful), may always have triggers themselves.
> 
> Lets look at it this way - you are in R for almost a year? For me, I have come to realize, it will take a full year at least of R and no contact for me to regain somethig of what I lost. Every holiday, birthday, special event that happened during the time I now know that he talked to her before DD - I have to have happen at least once for me to enjoy it the next time. For now, each of those is a trigger that I push through. I have to know that it is now special again, just between us. I don't know, maybe a WS feels something similar....until they go full circle, they cannot feel whole again.


So WH and I had a talk last night. He explained to me through tears that being with me, being with our family - that makes him happy and he soaks it all in and that gets him from one day to the next. However, when we have such a great moment, he can't help but think how he almost ruined it all and the pain he caused me and how bad of a person he is for doing what he did. He feels he doesn't deserve to be happy but is greatful for this last chance...I think sometimes WS's are their own worst enemy and critic when they are truly remorseful. He said that he is not even the person he thought he was and is a hypocrite because of his past, even though he is doing the right things now. 

If you hurt the person you loved the most and took everything away from them, wouldn't you feel guilt, shame and remorse for a long time after? This is just my experience. This is what I see. Everyone is different.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> So WH and I had a talk last night. He explained to me through tears that being with me, being with our family - that makes him happy and he soaks it all in and that gets him from one day to the next. However, when we have such a great moment, he can't help but think how he almost ruined it all and the pain he caused me and how bad of a person he is for doing what he did. He feels he doesn't deserve to be happy but is greatful for this last chance...I think sometimes WS's are their own worst enemy and critic when they are truly remorseful. He said that he is not even the person he thought he was and is a hypocrite because of his past, even though he is doing the right things now.
> 
> If you hurt the person you loved the most and took everything away from them, wouldn't you feel guilt, shame and remorse for a long time after? This is just my experience. This is what I see. Everyone is different.


Listen yes everyone is different. However if there is a line in your head. If he has really and truthfully told you everything and has recommitted to you and the kids then he should be recovering. That line for most people should have passed by now. At least the crying part. Now if he is hiding the fact that he has done more than he has already admitted to then it just seems to fit. You thought it was strange enough to come on TAM to post this so you obviously think something is up. You are his wife and if this behavior is odd then it most likely is not normal behavior for the given situation. The worst thing you can do it ignore abnormal behavior right now.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bellamaxjoy said:


> Dh and I have been in reconciliation now for over a year. We are good, I trust him, and he really hates what happened.
> Small background before my question. We were married for 26 years, my husband for many reasons had basically a mid life crisis. He started getting involved with a woman he used to work with. There was no sex involved, but he almost left me for her.
> 
> on to now.... I am happy, we are doing great. We are both Christians, and believe that once God forgives he forgives, there is no need to keep asking for it.
> ...



I think he is likely depressed because the affair was far worse than he admitted to, or there were multiple affairs, or HE MISSES THE AFFAIRS, or it has gone underground and he is living a lie.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Falene said:


> I may be a bit jaded but I agree with the other two...something is up.
> 
> When your spouse, that treated you like crap, cheated on you and almost dumped you, gets you back guilt is not the overriding emotion...joy is.
> 
> ...


I agree also this Betrayed spouse appears to be rugsweeping and in denial about her own resentment and anger regarding his affair. 

Maybe it is not depression from shame, maybe it is depression from being depressed about not marrying his affair partner....regrets and such.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

oneMOreguy said:


> ...my experience goes very much against what you are stating as fact. Although I walked away from my very inappropriate friendship, it was very hard for me and to this day I still harbor some sorrow for not having her in my life......yes i am glad that my wife and I are doing better together, and yes I feel guilt, both about the stress that my wife has gone thru, and also probably about the fact that I even miss my inappropriate friend....and no, we never had any type of sexual relationship. Guilt can be coming from a lot of things, but I do believe that he has not yet really opened up to what is really going on in his head. I am guessing that his feelings and thoughts both confuse and scare him, and that he wishes that any residual feelings for this EA OW would just go away so he could focus fully on his wife......just isn't that easy unfortunately.....just another opinion though.....I have been known to be wrong.


I agree with this. 

This guy sounds like the symptoms of the classic pining for the OW. 

Also, if you are still pining for the OW, get IC pronto. 

It is not fair to mislead your wife, obviously you still care about the OW waaaaaaay to much.

Based on the longterm reconciliations I have read about, the most successful are cases in which The cheater realizes that the OW was a sleazebag, the relationship was sleazy, and that a married man cheating is sleazy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He may be a person with toxic shame, in which case he has deemed himself unworthy of a second chance (assuming he's not lying about what happened). If that's the case, therapy's the only thing that can help.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sometimes, I get so sick of all of the people who automatically assume "he's hiding something" because a spouse feels guilty, even a year out, etc. No.... he feels guilty because he can't accept that his wife has forgiven him. FFS I still struggle with it too! I KNOW God has forgiven me. I KNOW my husband has forgiven me. But I still have days when I can't believe how fortunate I am that I have been forgiven. I suspect I will likely have days when I feel unworthy of being forgiven. But it doesn't mean I am HIDING something. It doesn't mean there was more than what I admitted to him. It means "my GOD, I nearly fvcked this up! And now look how far we have come. I don't deserve this, but by God's grace, I am going to cherish what I have for the rest of my life."


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sometimes, I get so sick of all of the people who automatically assume "he's hiding something" because a spouse feels guilty, even a year out, etc. No.... he feels guilty because he can't accept that his wife has forgiven him. FFS I still struggle with it too! I KNOW God has forgiven me. I KNOW my husband has forgiven me. But I still have days when I can't believe how fortunate I am that I have been forgiven. I suspect I will likely have days when I feel unworthy of being forgiven. But it doesn't mean I am HIDING something. It doesn't mean there was more than what I admitted to him. It means "my GOD, I nearly fvcked this up! And now look how far we have come. I don't deserve this, but by God's grace, I am going to cherish what I have for the rest of my life."


I believe you, Maricha 

But, I bet you wouldn't mind if your husband was a bit distrustful and wanted to verify that you wer not once again cheating. 

What everyone is saying is that it is a POSSIBLE red flag. 

She best not rugsweep or go into denial.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I am a Christian. I believe god forgives and all of that. However if you are using that as a way to sweep things under the rug. You're not helping anyone. A corrupt marriage with a man who is lying can a will use lines like "i have given it to God and I know I am forgiven why can't you forgive me" Just because you are a christian does not mean that you do not need to take action. A preacher can lie, cheat, and steal. Remember we are sinners therefore anyone is capable of anything at any time. Especially people in Affair fog who will say or do anything to try to protect the lifestyle they are in until they realize exactly what they have done. Prayer and belief is not a replacement for verification, counceling, and doing what is necessary to salvage your marriage. Not all Christian councilors are perfect for you because they are listed on a Christian service site. The bible even tells us that god helps those that helps themselves. That God is not going to do the work for you and you have to meet him halfway. If you want you marriage to work put in the effort and pray about it. Don't just pray about it and do nothing.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sometimes, I get so sick of all of the people who automatically assume "he's hiding something" because a spouse feels guilty, even a year out, etc. No.... he feels guilty because he can't accept that his wife has forgiven him. FFS I still struggle with it too! I KNOW God has forgiven me. I KNOW my husband has forgiven me. But I still have days when I can't believe how fortunate I am that I have been forgiven. I suspect I will likely have days when I feel unworthy of being forgiven. But it doesn't mean I am HIDING something. It doesn't mean there was more than what I admitted to him. It means "my GOD, I nearly fvcked this up! And now look how far we have come. I don't deserve this, but by God's grace, I am going to cherish what I have for the rest of my life."


I am not automatically going there. 365 days after he screwed up he is still blabbering like a school kid every week. Granted it is a severe betrayal. However after one full year. Were you still this overly emotional, as frequently as this man is, and to the degree this man is?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

badbane said:


> I am not automatically going there. 365 days after he screwed up he is still blabbering like a school kid every week. Granted it is a severe betrayal. However after one full year. Were you still this overly emotional, as frequently as this man is, and to the degree this man is?


See, I took it a different way. I didn't take it as he is CONSTANTLY talking every week about how he screwed up. I took it more like...something bad happens, he blames himself and feels he doesn't deserve to be happy, etc. I think he COULD be suffering from depression and he has fixated on this as THE reason for everything. Maybe I'm off base. IDK. But we are only 6 months from Dday (his and mine both), but 8 months since mine ended. I get emotional fairly often, but I try not to distress my husband about it because of the problems he has already (NOT related to infidelity). 

Sara, my husband doesn't check up on me though. He has access to everything, and can check anytime he wishes. But he doesn't. I don't delete anything, so if he were to request to use my phone or laptop for any reason, I hand it right over. I don't log out of TAM, Facebook, etc. He knows I post here and has actually commented that TAM has seemed to help me...a lot!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Sometimes, I get so sick of all of the people who automatically assume "he's hiding something" because a spouse feels guilty, even a year out, etc. No.... he feels guilty because he can't accept that his wife has forgiven him. FFS I still struggle with it too! I KNOW God has forgiven me. I KNOW my husband has forgiven me. But I still have days when I can't believe how fortunate I am that I have been forgiven. I suspect I will likely have days when I feel unworthy of being forgiven. But it doesn't mean I am HIDING something. It doesn't mean there was more than what I admitted to him. It means "my GOD, I nearly fvcked this up! And now look how far we have come. I don't deserve this, but by God's grace, I am going to cherish what I have for the rest of my life."


Thank you! This is what I was trying to point out too. I was commenting to share on this post...it was not my post. We are only 6.5 months out from NC. My WH does not cry all the time - he tears up on occassion - especially when he knows I am triggering or something. He is devistated by his actions, much like you seemto be. He has my forgiveness, but he said he doesn't see himself forgiving himself anytime soon if at all. He is where he wants to be and happy with us, but unhappy with himself for bringing that into our lives and our home. I am sorry that you are feeling the same way, but thankful that you shared. It sheds light on my story and hopefully for others.


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