# Why do I feel deep regret?



## itsontherocks

I took time off to work on myself as I've really not been too interested in dating. The therapist I did see said I will be fine, and agreed that I did the right decision. Basically, we both thought I was her "safety" until she was ready and had someone else lined up. Reason being, when I told her that I am filing for divorce, there was zero response. I was driving the other day, and low and behold, we were both at the red light in our own perspective cars. I smiled and then finally drove away. She sat there frozen. 

Why do I feel regret in letting her go? The therapist even said, if she loved you, she would had fought for the marriage. From what you tell me, she refused and rebuffed each and every time you wanted to work on the marriage. A person can only do so much. True, she was depressed about her life, but she wouldn't talk about it nor see a professional until the end and then stopped because it was too expensive. At 200 a pop, I did pay for a few of them, but I could only pay for so much. Her parents tried to give her funds, but she wouldn't take it (via VAR). Keep in mind, the woman earns over 100k a year, but has little savings and no retirement. 

I just don't know why or how this happened. Yes, she told her friends and family that she wanted to leave multiple times, but wasn't ready. If you here that once or twice, then okay, it's just blowing off some steam. She stated this well over a dozen times (only had a VAR for 90 days. I stopped listening after that. Just too painful). What makes things even more weird is she moved out the day after Easter. Yet, on Easter, she bought me a gift and candy. The therapist said it was a small gesture to buy more time on her part. I returned it the next day she left and the credit went back on her card. I do not need piecemeal. 

I just cannot express how violated I feel on one hand, but on the other, I feel I could had done more to save the marriage. To be honest, I still do not know what I did. She never disclosed that during our brief therapy session. After that ended, I started my own, offered her to come, but she declined. Two month's later she said to fam and friends he's seeing a therapist and will not let me come. ???

It may take me years to get back to my base; if at all. The therapist said I need time and I should date. However, my head is stuck in rewind. Nothing is fun anymore.. I am just existing. After the divorce I was able to successfully build back my business. Our "friends" X'd me out so that wasn't very good for me. I recall, she came over during the separation and I had some people over. They introduced themselves as my friends; they were clients I've known for years and were helping me get my business back on point. Her response, "YOU HAVE FRIENDS.." And started to laugh. Everyone, including her parents and friends who were with her to move her crap looked at her with a weird look on their face. One can see she lost all respect for me during the marriage.. Yet, I do not know why. When I informed her of me filing for divorce, she wanted to be served at work for all to see. Even the process server said he never saw something like that. Most want it done in private.

Was her marriage and love for me a lie? Why?


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## Lostinthought61

While i am sadden that it has come to this, i have to say that i am more confident for your well-being than i am for her...in what you have described of her is someone who almost goes out of her why to humiliate you, and just as quickly turns around and makes herself look like a victim...but of those are facets of a very self-centered individual who....i don't think it was a complete lie, i think that she may have loved you at the beginning, maybe she saw in you what she wanted to see and when reality hit some time later she knew that you were not going to be someone she could control or manipulate....you wished up to her antics....some where out there is her next mark, be glad it is no longer you.


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## Openminded

You will never know what was going on inside her brain and you will never make sense of anything that happened. That's the unfortunate truth. You feel regret because you thought you were on one path and now you find that you're on another. It takes time -- sometimes lots of time -- to sort it all out but you'll get there. Indifference is a wonderful thing.


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## itsontherocks

Yea, it's the what's if's and buts. Just sucks. I feel used on so many levels. I know the first step of recovery is to forgive her and myself for the failure. I've forgiven her, I've yet to forgive myself. It just takes time I guess.


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## Ynot

OP, I went thru (and still am to a lesser degree) the same thing. After my ex left I begged her to go to counseling with me. She went once and said it was a waste of time and never went back. She made no effort to save our marriage - before during or after the divorce. Before, anytime I tried to discuss issues with her I got told "I am doing the best that I can and if you don't like it I am leaving!" I could go on but I won't. Any how I got to the point of feeling invisible and meaningless. 

Now looking back, I have to remind myself that it wasn't one thing I did or didn't do. In fact most of the things I did or didn't do were a direct response to something she had done or said before. I realize now that I was doing the best that I could then knowing what I knew then. 

In retrospect had I known then what I know now, both about her and about myself and about marriage in general, my life would be very different. She may have tried harder or she might have left earlier. I don't know. But what I do know is that nothing can change the past. You did your best. You should have no regrets. And even if you do, you still can't change the past. So learn your lessons and make a life for your self that will make her's pale in comparison, not to get back at her, but for your self.


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## honcho

itsontherocks said:


> Yea, it's the what's if's and buts. Just sucks. I feel used on so many levels. I know the first step of recovery is to forgive her and myself for the failure. I've forgiven her, I've yet to forgive myself. It just takes time I guess.


The what if game is a hurdle to get over and we've all played it to an extent. Remember given how she handled this no matter what you'd have done the outcome would be the same. If you'd have done x she'd have done y, if you did why y she would have done x. 

She is unhappy in life and like so many who refuse to look inward project the issue elsewhere, it must be you.


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## sokillme

itsontherocks said:


> I took time off to work on myself as I've really not been too interested in dating. The therapist I did see said I will be fine, and agreed that I did the right decision. Basically, we both thought I was her "safety" until she was ready and had someone else lined up. Reason being, when I told her that I am filing for divorce, there was zero response. I was driving the other day, and low and behold, we were both at the red light in our own perspective cars. I smiled and then finally drove away. She sat there frozen.
> 
> Why do I feel regret in letting her go? The therapist even said, if she loved you, she would had fought for the marriage. From what you tell me, she refused and rebuffed each and every time you wanted to work on the marriage. A person can only do so much. True, she was depressed about her life, but she wouldn't talk about it nor see a professional until the end and then stopped because it was too expensive. At 200 a pop, I did pay for a few of them, but I could only pay for so much. Her parents tried to give her funds, but she wouldn't take it (via VAR). Keep in mind, the woman earns over 100k a year, but has little savings and no retirement.
> 
> I just don't know why or how this happened. Yes, she told her friends and family that she wanted to leave multiple times, but wasn't ready. If you here that once or twice, then okay, it's just blowing off some steam. She stated this well over a dozen times (only had a VAR for 90 days. I stopped listening after that. Just too painful). What makes things even more weird is she moved out the day after Easter. Yet, on Easter, she bought me a gift and candy. The therapist said it was a small gesture to buy more time on her part. I returned it the next day she left and the credit went back on her card. I do not need piecemeal.
> 
> I just cannot express how violated I feel on one hand, but on the other, I feel I could had done more to save the marriage. To be honest, I still do not know what I did. She never disclosed that during our brief therapy session. After that ended, I started my own, offered her to come, but she declined. Two month's later she said to fam and friends he's seeing a therapist and will not let me come. ???
> 
> It may take me years to get back to my base; if at all. The therapist said I need time and I should date. However, my head is stuck in rewind. Nothing is fun anymore.. I am just existing. After the divorce I was able to successfully build back my business. Our "friends" X'd me out so that wasn't very good for me. I recall, she came over during the separation and I had some people over. They introduced themselves as my friends; they were clients I've known for years and were helping me get my business back on point. Her response, "YOU HAVE FRIENDS.." And started to laugh. Everyone, including her parents and friends who were with her to move her crap looked at her with a weird look on their face. One can see she lost all respect for me during the marriage.. Yet, I do not know why. When I informed her of me filing for divorce, she wanted to be served at work for all to see. Even the process server said he never saw something like that. Most want it done in private.
> 
> Was her marriage and love for me a lie? Why?


Move on you can't fix her and somethings in life you will not get answers for. It wasn't ever going to work. See it for what it was don't romanticize it. You married a lemon. If you want to regret anything regret the choice of marrying her.


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## Bananapeel

itsontherocks said:


> Yea, it's the what's if's and buts. Just sucks. I feel used on so many levels. I know the first step of recovery is to forgive her and myself for the failure. I've forgiven her, I've yet to forgive myself. It just takes time I guess.


Did you really fail? I mean REALLY? If you were a good husband and committed to her, then you did your part and you can't blame yourself for her actions. It is NOT your responsibility to have to hold a marriage together that another person does not want. Heck, that's not even possible. Once you realize that you can only control yourself and not another person, then you'll realize that her decisions became the catalyst for the divorce and your divorce was just you picking the best option from a crappy set of choices. Try to let go of feeling responsible for her actions, then focus on yourself and getting your life back in order. Get involved in the hobbies you had before you were married or find some volunteer work to do. You'll develop a new social circle quickly if you can be a positive and happy person, because that's the type of person that has lots of friends.


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## itsontherocks

One always thinks well, if I could had done this or that maybe it would had prevented the divorce. I guess, it seemed to fall apart so quickly. We had some tough times with deaths and medical issues. One would think that would bring us closer together, not farther apart. I thought I picked right as she was a pretty good gf/fiancee. It just seemed to slowly change as we got deeper into the marriage.

I am working on myself, it just takes time. Have little interest in going to meet ups as most I went to in the past had a lot of + 1's. I am mulling over moving back to the city just to have things to do, but that is a pain. Seems I made two bad choices in life. Purchasing a place in the suburbs and getting married to the wrong woman. The home is great, just the location isn't the greatest for socializing. 

All in all, just a tough situation to be in. I am working through it and much better than a year ago. I know I cannot control another person's actions. It just seemed illogical to me to go through the motions for everything and not even work on the relationship. Thus, I think it was more that she was running out of time and she could change me and mold me into the man she wants. That didn't happen, so she just let the chips fall where they may. The only things that didn't pan out for her was that I didn't come running after her and I filed for divorce. Two things she didn't plan on. Doesn't matter, but I still feel used and betrayed. More ashamed of myself for falling for this than anything else. I must had been really weak until I snapped and work up. 

Funny, she played me one way and everyone else another. Without the VARs, I would not had found out what her real thoughts and feelings were. I thank you all for that insight. I, myself, would had never thought to do that. It would had prob. gone on for another 3 years until she filed and left while I would be just treading along thinking everything is okay.


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## SunCMars

She wanted to be served at work....

She wanted sympathy.....

The people at work have been handed a line....she is the victim. She tried to keep the marriage together....you filed for divorce.

She cannot stand tall if you do not bend..over.

At your expense, at your expense, at your expense. You were her whipping boy, her punching bag, the reason for her unhappiness.

She hates herself and her life, and it is YOUR fault. Commonly called blame shifting. I call it dumping her failure and shortcomings on your shoulders. That is how SHE copes. No man will suckle that teat, her teat....for long.

The Truth may somehow dawn on her. And the Eclipse is coming to your neighborhood....at that magic moment in her timeline. Uh, no. 

Why did she do this? She cannot stand herself. You were her legs, her crutch, her excuse...


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## itsontherocks

SunCMars said:


> She wanted to be served at work....
> 
> She wanted sympathy.....
> 
> The people at work have been handed a line....she is the victim. She tried to keep the marriage together....you filed for divorce.
> 
> She cannot stand tall if you do not bend..over.
> 
> At your expense, at your expense, at your expense. You were her whipping boy, her punching bag, the reason for her unhappiness.
> 
> She hates herself and her life, and it is YOUR fault. Commonly called blame shifting. I call it dumping her failure and shortcomings on your shoulders. That is how SHE copes. No man will suckle that teat, her teat....for long.
> 
> The Truth may somehow dawn on her. And the Eclipse is coming to your neighborhood....at that magic moment in her timeline. Uh, no.
> 
> Why did she do this? She cannot stand herself. You were her legs, her crutch, her excuse...



You bring some clarity to the situation. She said something similar to her parents on the phone. She's a good person and I treat everyone well. Why is this happening to me.

Still a said state of affairs.


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## SunCMars

itsontherocks said:


> You bring some clarity to the situation. She said something similar to her parents on the phone. She's a good person and I treat everyone well. Why is this happening to me.
> 
> Still a said state of affairs.


It is happening to you because of "proximity".

You are the closest thing to her. 

She believes [in her mind] that her life is a failure. Not being able to accept her own shortcomings, she piles them on your plate.

People do this all the time. It shows a lack of maturity. She needs to grow up.

This may never happen. 

*People die..... an unfinished portrait.*


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## Hoosier

My xw had a affair after 30 years of marriage. I tried and tried, for a number of years to understand what happened, never did figure it out. The best lead I had on the answer came from my sister. She told me, "crazy people do crazy things."


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## itsontherocks

SunCMars said:


> It is happening to you because of "proximity".
> 
> You are the closest thing to her.
> 
> She believes [in her mind] that her life is a failure. Not being able to accept her own shortcomings, she piles them on your plate.
> 
> People do this all the time. It shows a lack of maturity. She needs to grow up.
> 
> This may never happen.
> 
> *People die..... an unfinished portrait.*


SunCMars, seems you may know my ex-wife very well. Surprisingly, she's stated to me that she considers herself a failure and it's due to her bad life choices (I.E. her two failed marriages). I said that's preposterous. You have loving friends, family great career where you make a difference, a roof over your head, no financial issues or money problems and a man who loves you dearly. Her response, but no children. I retort with and who's fault is that? We're just not in a good area with our marriage. Fair enough. I offered to work on it, she declined. Asked point blank, do you want to still be married to me; I don't know. Do you still love me; I don't know. 

Felt like we were stuck in neutral. Realizing there had to be a way for me to end our joint pain, I had no other choice but to file for divorce. I swear, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; and I've had to sign off on ending someone's life support. This, was just as hard; if not harder.

Still wished there was another option; but there wasn't. Last thing in the world I wanted to do is hurt her in any way, shape or form. However, I cannot allow myself to be belittled and disrespected while in a sham of a "marriage". I think, the final straw was when her co-workers were whistling to me that she and her boss had an affair. Now, I couldn't prove it and the GPS and VAR didn't support it. However, who knows what went on at his office. I found it even more weird that she asked for an open marriage. That last request still stings. Never felt so used, abused and disrespected in my life. 

They say time heals all wounds...


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## itsontherocks

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> My xw had a affair after 30 years of marriage. I tried and tried, for a number of years to understand what happened, never did figure it out. The best lead I had on the answer came from my sister. She told me, "crazy people do crazy things."


Wow. I'm sorry you had to experience that. I can only imagine what you had to mentally go through.


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## honcho

itsontherocks said:


> SunCMars, seems you may know my ex-wife very well. Surprisingly, she's stated to me that she considers herself a failure and it's due to her bad life choices (I.E. her two failed marriages). I said that's preposterous. You have loving friends, family great career where you make a difference, a roof over your head, no financial issues or money problems and a man who loves you dearly. Her response, but no children. I retort with and who's fault is that? We're just not in a good area with our marriage. Fair enough. I offered to work on it, she declined. Asked point blank, do you want to still be married to me; I don't know. Do you still love me; I don't know.
> 
> Felt like we were stuck in neutral. Realizing there had to be a way for me to end our joint pain, I had no other choice but to file for divorce. I swear, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; and I've had to sign off on ending someone's life support. This, was just as hard; if not harder.
> 
> Still wished there was another option; but there wasn't. Last thing in the world I wanted to do is hurt her in any way, shape or form. However, I cannot allow myself to be belittled and disrespected while in a sham of a "marriage". I think, the final straw was when her co-workers were whistling to me that she and her boss had an affair. Now, I couldn't prove it and the GPS and VAR didn't support it. However, who knows what went on at his office. I found it even more weird that she asked for an open marriage. That last request still stings. Never felt so used, abused and disrespected in my life.
> 
> They say time heals all wounds...


Filing was hard on you emotionally. On you, not her. She just played the waiting game to avoid it knowing you'd do it and carry the guilt trip for her. 

Some people will always find a reason to fail, you stbx is one of those. Even when things are good they find a reason to focus on a negative. They self sabotage their own happiness and nothing you can do will stop it.


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## itsontherocks

honcho said:


> Filing was hard on you emotionally. On you, not her. She just played the waiting game to avoid it knowing you'd do it and carry the guilt trip for her.
> 
> Some people will always find a reason to fail, you stbx is one of those. Even when things are good they find a reason to focus on a negative. They self sabotage their own happiness and nothing you can do will stop it.


I thought that too. However, the day she had the movers pickup her furniture, she said, out of the blue, she didn't want a divorce. Albeit, she was crying earlier in the day as she was packing. I said you're crying? The first time I've ever seen her cry. Why didn't you work on us when I asked? No reply. 

There was no going back as I felt lied to, disrespected, unappreciated, taken for granted, etc. Please also note, prior to separation, I asked for counseling, she blocked me from going, religious counseling, talking to me, reading books, and even a family intervention. All no. During separation, she wouldn't meet to talk. Would you believe, after she moved out, and in our separation phase, she wouldn't even give me her address? I had to send mail to her office that was sent in her name to my place.

This wasn't a marriage, it was a funeral. After she was served, she informed all that she was "divorced". So, I think they were crocodile tears and to see if I would chase after her.

I just cannot figure it out. I know closure is not obtainable, however, clarity should be. I've even avoided local places that we've gone to in the past. Yet, one day I feel it's safe, we're stuck at a light together... The whole experience is just very peculiar. During dating and engagement phase, you couldn't ask for a better partner. Was it because she turned 40 and had a midlife crisis as people told me? I know I am basically looking for a needle in a haystack, but I feel like I wasted so much time with a false being. 

Just confused.


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## Openminded

She was crying for herself (because of her uncertain future) -- not for you and not for the marriage. 

Time and distance most certainly will help you move on. When you're in the middle of trying, you think you will never succeed but you will. 

You'll never figure out why she did what she did. Let it go.


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## honcho

itsontherocks said:


> I thought that too. However, the day she had the movers pickup her furniture, she said, out of the blue, she didn't want a divorce. Albeit, she was crying earlier in the day as she was packing. I said you're crying? The first time I've ever seen her cry. Why didn't you work on us when I asked? No reply.
> 
> There was no going back as I felt lied to, disrespected, unappreciated, taken for granted, etc. Please also note, prior to separation, I asked for counseling, she blocked me from going, religious counseling, talking to me, reading books, and even a family intervention. All no. During separation, she wouldn't meet to talk. Would you believe, after she moved out, and in our separation phase, she wouldn't even give me her address? I had to send mail to her office that was sent in her name to my place.
> 
> This wasn't a marriage, it was a funeral. After she was served, she informed all that she was "divorced". So, I think they were crocodile tears and to see if I would chase after her.
> 
> I just cannot figure it out. I know closure is not obtainable, however, clarity should be. I've even avoided local places that we've gone to in the past. Yet, one day I feel it's safe, we're stuck at a light together... The whole experience is just very peculiar. During dating and engagement phase, you couldn't ask for a better partner. Was it because she turned 40 and had a midlife crisis as people told me? I know I am basically looking for a needle in a haystack, but I feel like I wasted so much time with a false being.
> 
> Just confused.


Closure is obtainable once you accept clarity will never come. She's searching for a different needle in a haystack except she doesn't know where the haystack even is. 

She probably has no real self identify, she is playing roles in a play and morphs her character to what she thinks she wants in the moment, not reflecting on the past or what the long term holds. She also knows you, she knows you will carry her guilt and suffer over the why questions. They always try to keep options open, she'd much rather have you sit around trying to solve the riddle than just move past her.

We all feel like it's time wasted but that takes time to get over and another reason why it was correct to file for divorce and push to get it over with as quickly as possible. Cut the loss.


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## itsontherocks

Openminded said:


> She was crying for herself (because of her uncertain future) -- not for you and not for the marriage.
> 
> Time and distance most certainly will help you move on. When you're in the middle of trying, you think you will never succeed but you will.
> 
> You'll never figure out why she did what she did. Let it go.


I gather the same. It was all a mirage.


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## itsontherocks

honcho said:


> Closure is obtainable once you accept clarity will never come. She's searching for a different needle in a haystack except she doesn't know where the haystack even is.
> 
> She probably has no real self identify, she is playing roles in a play and morphs her character to what she thinks she wants in the moment, not reflecting on the past or what the long term holds. She also knows you, she knows you will carry her guilt and suffer over the why questions. They always try to keep options open, she'd much rather have you sit around trying to solve the riddle than just move past her.
> 
> We all feel like it's time wasted but that takes time to get over and another reason why it was correct to file for divorce and push to get it over with as quickly as possible. Cut the loss.


Yep. I am working on myself everyday. Some days good, other days bad. I am sure, in time it will ease. I know, for the mental health of both of us, I did the right thing. Misery loves company; though, I wasn't miserable until I learned what she really thought of me and our marriage. 

I do wonder if I can ever trust again. I do not believe I'd be able too. I did date a bit after the divorce was final, but she was spinning other plates too even though we had a talk about that. It's a different world out there. I do not think I can be apart of it; dating/relationship wise.


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## Hoosier

You probably are not ready to "be a part of" the new dating environment. But you will be ready again some day and when you are you are going to be pleasently surprised. A good guy can go a long way with a lot of opportunity in todays world. You will suddenly remember what it feels like to have a nice dinner, with an attentive guest, one who likes being with you, and you will like it! Take your time, heal, but know tomorrow holds a lot of adventures yet to come.


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## aine

Your ex sounds like she has some mental problems. It is tough now but you will get over this, time will heal you and you will eventually meet a woman who is worth your time and effort, just take one day at a time.


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## itsontherocks

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> You probably are not ready to "be a part of" the new dating environment. But you will be ready again some day and when you are you are going to be pleasently surprised. A good guy can go a long way with a lot of opportunity in todays world. You will suddenly remember what it feels like to have a nice dinner, with an attentive guest, one who likes being with you, and you will like it! Take your time, heal, but know tomorrow holds a lot of adventures yet to come.


Yep, I do not like the whole new hooking dating. It's like every woman is balancing 4+ men at the same time. I tried, but the sh!t meter filled up way to fast and I just opted out. Tried OLD too. It's horrible.


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## itsontherocks

aine said:


> Your ex sounds like she has some mental problems. It is tough now but you will get over this, time will heal you and you will eventually meet a woman who is worth your time and effort, just take one day at a time.



Just very depressed and refused to get help. Ironically, one day she was so crazy, wishing she was dead and going over the ways she'd prefer to die. I told her to stop talking about that and let's get you some help. I am here for you. Her retort was you cannot tell me what to do. I said true, however, I can authorize a psych. hold on you for evaluation. She calmed down pretty quick.

So, again, I do not know if she's depressed or it's an act. On the VARs, she was down, but now where near the way she acted in front of me. My therapist stated she was just playing on my sympathy and heart. It's kinda funny in a way. She was complaining to someone that I treat everyone well and if someone is down, I am there to help. Therefore, when I am there for her, she doesn't feel special as I'd be there to help anyone I cared about. ???

I can say, she's put me through a rollercoaster of emotions and I am amazed that I am not in a rubber room.


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