# What should I expect for a sex life in marriage?



## hooverphonic (Sep 28, 2008)

I have been married to my wife for a year and a half. We dated 3 years prior to getting married. Currently we have sex about once a month and when we do it last 10 minutes. Prior to marriage it was about twice a month. Every guy I talk to says yes, sex slows in marriage but once a month is a little long. Sex has always been a source of tension for our relationship. My wife can make sex the most unsexy thing in the world. She comes on to me about 1 in 10 times we have sex. I have to do the rest of romance. She doesn't have an interest in foreplay, when we do have sex I have to shower first and brush my teeth. Typically she cums within 5 minutes then I hear gems like "hurry up" and "are you close". I've asked her more times than I can count what turns you on and all that. I've done all items on her list and then some. I give her fully body massages, foot rubs, romantic dinners, you name it. I'm not overweight, ugly, and I have a normal penis size. What am I doing wrong? Is more than once a month really too much to ask?!! I love my wife but I'm so frustrated I could scream. I've asked her if she was traumatized when she was younger and she says she wasn't. Every time I ask if she even likes sex she insists she does. She did ask me if I wanted us to go to sex counseling but I don't like that idea. All she'll get from it is she should be more open and receptive. I don't want her to make love to me because she feels obligated, I want her to want to make love. SOMEONE HELP ME!!!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Go to counsiling. I have been maried ten year and have sex 3-4 days out of the week for 45 or more minutes each time. There is something missing here.

draconis


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

I would guess that your wife has emotional or intimacy issues. I could understand if a woman wasn't having an orgasm and didn't want sex, but if she's having them and STILL is not interested...?! That is a little weird to me. 

And it's hard to say what's "normal" about sex in marriage. Personally I want my husband just as much (if not more) than we just started dating. 

Was she "into" the sex you had before the two of you got married or was it pretty much the same as now?

I personally don't understand women like this....so I can't guess at what's in her head....:scratchhead:


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## hooverphonic (Sep 28, 2008)

The sex itself is pretty much the same as before our marriage. She seemed a little more active and interested in general when it comes to foreplay or desire but not by much. I know its a cliche but I've heard all the excuses in the book when I come on to her. I'm tired, headache, its too early, its too late, I just showered, I haven't showered, I've got things to do, you've got things to do. I wish for once instead of giving me these lame excuses should would say "you know what, I don't want to and heres why I can't seem to ever be in the mood". I just want some honesty. Regardless of whats going on in our life or how busy it can get I feel theres always time for our marriage. Even stealing kisses from her is a chore. I'm not asking her to drop her panties in the hallway when I pass I just want a kiss. I trust her completely and don't have any evidence or intuition that she is cheating. It just seems to me that without romance (sex, affection, hugs, kisses, etc.) a marriage is just a relationship of convenience; roommates who share a checking a account.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I have done a huge amount of research into this topic. I'm afraid what I've discovered won't make you happy, but it might give you a pointer:

People have this crazy idea that women go off sex after marriage or that their sex drive is lower than the male's. What actually happens in most cases is far simpler. To reduce it to it's shortest form, your wife has not gone off sex, she has gone off sex with YOU. She has not not the hots for you.

OK,OK - that was not nice of me. Your case is worse because your wife did not like sex all that much to start with. She may have an emotional block, or she may be the low sex type to start with. But what is more likely is that the chemistry was never there for her with you. You clicked on many levels, but not sex. Things could still be improved - more on that story later.

The other thing that causes women to gradually grow cold in the bedroom, is a slow build-up of resentment.


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## hooverphonic (Sep 28, 2008)

I understand what your saying MarkTwain and I certainly don't want to hear such things but the truth can hurt. Look, the bottom line is this. I'm a good husband. I provide enough for my family that all the bills are paid, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not out with the boys 5 nights a week, I never have to be asked to clean anything or take part in chores; I just do them. I have supported my wife more than most men would. She wanted to start her own business and no one believed in her except me. I dragged her to the camera store and encouraged her to spend almost all the money we had in savings at the time and buy that camera so she could fulfill her dreams of being a photographer. She did and now shes very successful at it and has a thriving client base. I go out of my way to think of her at all times. Whether its to grab her favorite drink or snack on the way home or knowing what she needed to get at the store and bringing it to her so she has one less trip to make. I bring her flowers for no reason other than I love her. Our first wedding anniversary all I got was "Happy Anniversary". No card, no dinner, not even a night out. I tried to plan a night out and she didn't want to. I suprised her with cards hidden all over the house and a full body massage for an hour. I'm not perfect and I have my flaws but overall I'm a good husband. I'm 30 now and I refuse to wake up and be 40 and miserable. I love her and I don't want to have a failed marriage but I'm getting the end of my rope. If something doesn't change soon I feel we could be lost forever.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hooverphonic said:


> I'm 30 now and I refuse to wake up and be 40 and miserable. I love her and I don't want to have a failed marriage but I'm getting the end of my rope. If something doesn't change soon I feel we could be lost forever.


OK, I have to ask you, why did you marry her in the first place? My wife and I have sex 5-10 times a week. I would leave her if she only wanted it once a month for 10 minutes. It's such a big part of what makes me tick, I would not compromise.


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## AloneForever (Sep 25, 2008)

hooverphonic said:


> I understand what your saying MarkTwain and I certainly don't want to hear such things but the truth can hurt. Look, the bottom line is this. I'm a good husband. I provide enough for my family that all the bills are paid, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not out with the boys 5 nights a week, I never have to be asked to clean anything or take part in chores; I just do them. I have supported my wife more than most men would. She wanted to start her own business and no one believed in her except me. I dragged her to the camera store and encouraged her to spend almost all the money we had in savings at the time and buy that camera so she could fulfill her dreams of being a photographer. She did and now shes very successful at it and has a thriving client base. I go out of my way to think of her at all times. Whether its to grab her favorite drink or snack on the way home or knowing what she needed to get at the store and bringing it to her so she has one less trip to make. I bring her flowers for no reason other than I love her. Our first wedding anniversary all I got was "Happy Anniversary". No card, no dinner, not even a night out. I tried to plan a night out and she didn't want to. I suprised her with cards hidden all over the house and a full body massage for an hour. I'm not perfect and I have my flaws but overall I'm a good husband. I'm 30 now and I refuse to wake up and be 40 and miserable. I love her and I don't want to have a failed marriage but I'm getting the end of my rope. If something doesn't change soon I feel we could be lost forever.


Most women dream of having a husband like you, your wifeis very lucky and blind to see it!


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

AloneForever said:


> Most women dream of having a husband like you, your wifeis very lucky and blind to see it!


Totally Agreed! I would be giving you lovins all the time if you were mine. lol.


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## hooverphonic (Sep 28, 2008)

MarkTwain, I don't even know if I would want sex 5 - 10 times a week, thats a little too much for me and too unrealistic for our life. I would be thrilled with once or twice a week if the sex was more than a 10 minute one sided event. As for why I married her, well....I love her. I had this crazy notion that if I love her enough all of this would work itself out. Well, it hasn't. We've talked about this until I'm blue in the face and I might as well be talking to a brick wall. 

Well, thank you all for your opinions and insight. Should anything miraculous happen I will let everyone know and what transpired to make it so. Thanks everyone.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What you write here makes you sound like a decent man who is so deprived of love and appreciation from his wife that now you just focus on the lack of sexual contact.

Your wife has withdrawn for a reason. Maybe not a good reason, but for a reason.

I recommend that you explore the state of your marriage with the help of a trained professional.

Your impressions of why she is this way could be wrong. They could be right. They may be fixable, maybe not.

Only way to get through this is head on. Make an appointment as soon as possible with a MC. Don't make it to 40 having wasted more time.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Hoover,

I feel your pain bro...been there but not quite as "bad" as your wife treats you with saying "are you there yet?" damn I would get up and get dressed immediately.. it sounds like her mind seems somewhere else like mine did. I can only speak from my own experience we've been married 11 years and things are just now heating up again. I first got mad and told her I was only giving to our relationship what I was getting, then I cooled down but still sent her to counseling and assured her that it would help and there's nothing wrong with her. Also I started paying much more attention to what she does, like reading those romance novels, I started thumbing through them when she wasn't home and started "handling" her like some of those scenes in those dumb books. I asked her "what are your fantasies" while she wouldn't admit readily (what's the big deal?) found out things that she couldn't say but now is slowly revealing like: in a limo, in a hot tub, in the shower, in a YMCA changing room, I had no idea my wife has a thing for water sex. I'm not sure I handled it exactly right, but I would pull back from her and reinvent yourself and your style, then pay closer attention to her and then try and find out what gets her hot...if you do all of those things and still get no result then no matter what happens for better or worse, you can't say you didn't try right? good luck.


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## hooverphonic (Sep 28, 2008)

michzz your half right. I'm not "deprived" of love and affection, we just have a lousy sex life. Despite my anger over our anniversary we have a fairly solid marriage. I screw up, she screws up, we talk it through. You say I'm focusing on the lack of sex as an excuse but I dont see it that way. Image for 5 years every time you come onto your spouse you get turned down. Not some of the time, all the time. If you were turned down by your spouse for 5 years, how would that make you feel? Imagine 5 years of sex that isnt fulfilling and you've done everything you can to ask the right questions and engage the topic with your spouse and all you hit are road blocks. Would that not frustrate the hell out of you?!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you misinterpret my words to you. 

It is deprivation to be turned down as you say you are.

I still maintain that it is an indication of more than merely being denied a sexual outlet with your wife.

It is an obvious rejection and I can't imagine for one minute that all other forms of love an affection are just fine but for this.

And sure, i can be wrong. 

Hence my recommendation for you to explore your marriage with a trained professional. 

I wish you luck in that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hooverphonic-

So what are you going to DO about it?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Let me throw something out there. Does your wife have any self-image issues that you are aware of. If a woman does not FEEL sexy, she's less interested in sex. So it may not be you at all but her. Doesn't matter if she's pretty or sexy, does she THINK she is? 

From a woman's POV, feeling sexy herself is half of it. Also (sorry guys...I've heard the joke what kind of food lowers a woman's sex drive...wedding cake..ain't true!). Its just that if its routine and boring its not just her fault. I'll admit, our sex life got routine, yeah even boring. All my fault? No, you know he was kinda boring too. My husband is definately something to look at but heck it was the same thing every time. My fault too, I got comfortable and it was more routine and dropped off to once a week or sometimes we went 2 weeks.

Long story about what happened but basically it took something pretty drastic for us to realize we have something amazing. Also I realized it was ok for me to take time to focus on me rather than always work or run the carpool. I got up early, stayed awake late to work out. I got more confidence in myself which gave me more sex drive. My own confidence was a turn on to him and feeling confidant I tried something with him a little bit adventurous. He reacted by doing the same in return and from there it just got better.

So change it up a little bit and do something very different even wild. If sex is routine you stick it on the schedule. If sex is inventive, spontaneous, and interesting then its something you want to do all the time. This changed everything for us, and now we are 5-6 times a week. 

Assuming there is nothing physically wrong (lower sex drive is a hormonal imbalance and nothing you can do is going to change that it needs to be treated) or emotionally, then this may be the issue. It sounds like the two of you connect emotionally so maybe give this a shot.


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## TheLoveGuru's (Sep 29, 2008)

Toys? Erotica? Videos? 

Tried any? What were the result?


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## Mrs B (Sep 29, 2008)

Do you have kids?

Some people just have really low sex drives. That doesn't mean she doesn't find you hot, that she doesn't love you, or any of the worst case scenarios presented here. It sucks for you sure! but unless there are other things really wrong in your marriage I would put it down to a low sex drive.

I just suggest that she goes to the doctors, they may be able to help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mrs. B. I have to beg to differ.

What my research shows, is that most women who go off sex, actually go of their specific man. Of course the is usually against a background of nappies, stress, and reduced sleep - so sex drive may well be reduced as well. However, when such a woman meets a fancy-man -in say- a work situation, the same woman's arousal levels can go off the scale, at the thought of sex with a stranger, and the escapism that comes with it.

Yet many women go through the charade of getting their hormone levels checked, and the tests often come back normal. Unfortunately it is convenient for the medical establishment to say that a lowering of sex drive in women is quite normal in these situations, which masks the fact that monogamy is difficult. I would even go as far as saying that monogamy is harder for women than it is for men, but men tend to be in a position to act on the impulse to cheat more due to being out of the house "legitimately" more often than the female. (On average). Also, the woman will think about the consequences of her actions, more than the male, who wants instant solutions to his urges.


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## Mrs B (Sep 29, 2008)

Do you have any links to you research, Mark?

I gathered that the sex life wasn't great and slowly got less. Well, in most relationships, over time, that happens. As a Woman I can tell you that I have had periods of low sex drive that had nothing to do with my husband. 

There could be many reasons for her lack of wanting sex. Is he meeting her emotional needs? does she have low self esteem? etc. etc. There could be so many factors involved that I am reluctant to jump to the worst case scenarios. She doesn't sound like a woman who has suddnely lost her sex drive, it seems to be an issue she has had all along.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mrs B... (love the name by the way) 

The research is mine! I am writing a book about mismatched sex drives. Without wanting to pick on you, I bet if you gave me an example of when your drive last went on a downward spiral, I could show you a dimension you had not thought of.

However, I do accept that women's duties take a special toll on their sex drives. Unfortunately whereas men use sex as a stress buster, women allow stress to put them off sex.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MT,

We also don't have this external force of nature on our bodies constantly reminding us of our sexual needs...ours is neatly tucked away...out of sight out of mind?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish-

You are right 99.99% of the time. But admit it: Occasionally a woman's libido can become so fierce, it can reduce building to rubble!

I believe this happens to most women at least once in their lives. Any comments?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I believe this happens to most women at least once in their lives. Any comments?


Yes. Say I have this err, friend, and she is in this spot in her life...NOW...and she wants to prolong this as long as possible, any advice?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Mrs. B. I have to beg to differ.
> 
> What my research shows, is that most women who go off sex, actually go of their specific man. Of course the is usually against a background of nappies, stress, and reduced sleep - so sex drive may well be reduced as well. However, when such a woman meets a fancy-man -in say- a work situation, the same woman's arousal levels can go off the scale, at the thought of sex with a stranger, and the escapism that comes with it.
> 
> Yet many women go through the charade of getting their hormone levels checked, and the tests often come back normal. Unfortunately it is convenient for the medical establishment to say that a lowering of sex drive in women is quite normal in these situations, which masks the fact that monogamy is difficult. I would even go as far as saying that monogamy is harder for women than it is for men, but men tend to be in a position to act on the impulse to cheat more due to being out of the house "legitimately" more often than the female. (On average). Also, the woman will think about the consequences of her actions, more than the male, who wants instant solutions to his urges.


I am interested to hear more about what research you have done, and if you have anything written on this. My wife's tastes in men, what she likes in bed, and outlook on sex has changed completely over the last few years. She has a hard time opening up about this issue, and I would love to be able to read some about what you have gathered.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> Yes. Say I have this err, friend, and she is in this spot in her life...NOW...and she wants to prolong this as long as possible, any advice?


If you could squeeze a little more detail out of your "friend" I would be able to give more carefully targeted advice. However, the simple answer is, the more she has sex, the more she will want it, and the more likely it is that the hormones in play will be replaced. If she is of the "slightly over 40" variety, then she should not feel in the least bit guilty about enlisting the help of such things as KY jelly, this will make it possible to have sex non stop if required. 

If she really wants to PARTY, she should get her man to practice semen retention, but alas I doubt she could handle the consequences.


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## mel58109 (Sep 16, 2008)

Wow, how does this happen? One guy complains his wife doesn't want sex, one gal fusses her husband is always "tired"... How do we end up with the wrong people? Or is it just that our timing is off? We are supposed to be married for half a century or so. In 50 years, I'm sure we sync and unsync many times over. 
Unless she is unkind to you the rest of the day, just bear with her for a while on this. It couldn't have been too important to you, you married her anyway. I've never denied my husband (because I don't think that's very nice), but both of our appetites have changed a lot over the past 25 years-sometimes they sync, sometimes not.

PS- Draconis- 3-4 times a week?! DUDE!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish-

Did your friend find my suggestions helpful, or was I barking up the wrong tree?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

MT,

She is quite happy the way things are now so not looking for any drastic change in course and agrees that yes, the frequency seems to be in line with the desire. And she's not willing to give details


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish-

Well to keep to your nautical theme... If she wants to keep things "steady as she goes", then she needs to take on plenty of supplies so that she can weather the occasional storms that might assail her passage. UhOh - I think the metaphor went too far 

So the real secret that Zaneblue taught me was fish oil. Not your cheap stuff but the high quality stuff that has 50% of it's weight as EPA DHA. i.e. If you get a 1000mg capsule, then if you add the EPA and DHA figures together, they should come out at about 500mg or more.

Of course you need to seek medical opinion before taking (blah blah blah).
Forums - The Orgasmic Diet


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Wow, we seem to have gotten off the OP a bit.  

Hoover, I don't know why you thought things would change (for the better) after marriage. Personally, I would think that is unrealistic. Things always change.

As for your compatibility...I'd say get couples counseling, find out what her "problem" is (or is with)...or annul the marriage (assuming no kids, etc.). Room-mates is not a way to live life.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Wow, we seem to have gotten off the OP a bit.


Actually, fish oil has helped many women regain their lost libido - according to the posts on the link. Women with good libido, find they go into turbo mode! Nothing wrong with that


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Fish oil? I hadn't heard of that. How does it work? Do you mean like cod liver oil?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Forums - The Orgasmic Diet

The woman above is an expert as well as a sex Goddess.

Basically if you take enough of it, it makes your libido go through the roof. In women it causes them to develop a craving for penetration. Cod liver oil is no quite high enough in EPA and DHA to do the trick. You would be permanently in the closet if you took enough to produce the effect!


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## clara (Oct 7, 2008)

I just have to say that you could very easily have been my husband a few years ago. My advice, Don't let this go on. I am the wife that never wants sex. I turn my husband down all the time. He is miserable and so am I. I don't know why I feel or don't feel as the case may be, the way I do. Maybe your wife doesn't either. Take the advice of these other guys before it is too late. Get Help! Don't act as though there is something wrong with her, but do everything you can to let her know how it makes you feel and that you want to fix it because you fear for your relationship. Beware the divorce word. Make sure she realizes that you love her but you need help to fix this. I just wish that I had been able to do something before we got so bad. I tried to change how I feel, but I haven't been very successful. Don't give up and Good luck!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

clara- 

Trying to change how you feel is not the best way. It's better to change what is making you feel bad. That way, you will suddenly start feeling good about sex, and there won't need to be any effort. Good luck.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

AloneForever said:


> Most women dream of having a husband like you, your wifeis very lucky and blind to see it!


I agree!!! :smthumbup:
But I'm so sorry that she doesn't see that...!


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## kuki (Oct 28, 2008)

AloneForever said:


> Most women dream of having a husband like you, your wifeis very lucky and blind to see it!


You aint kidding. 

Since your say you love her and want to make things work, try counseling, it cant hurt. Good luck.


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