# Is my wife being naive? Or am I nuts?



## Ascottharri s (Oct 28, 2012)

My wife has been friends with this guy, "James" since before we were married. Initially, she dated his roommate, but she and her two sons became fast friends with the three guys who lived in the house across the street. She knows James as a serial philanderer - she has told me he cheated on his fiancée several times before they were married, and she told me she's had conversations with him in which he revealed he has had several more affairs since he got married. 
A few weeks ago, we were sitting on the couch and he called my wife with this crazy story he concocted about his wife trying to kill him, and that she was having him followed, she rigged his truck to secretly transport drugs, etc..... Long story short, he said he called her because she's a nurse and he needed her medical opinion, AND she was the only person he could trust. Since then, she's confessed to me that this guy calls or text messages her several times a week, and has even come to see her while she was at work - something I don't even do. 
We got in a huge argument because I told her she should know better, that he is playing to her sympathies in order to get her in bed. She says that I am crazy and that she's not doing anything wrong. I asked to to put him in his place and to tell him to stop calling her - or I will. She told me I'm being controlling and she can take care of herself. 
This is the second marriage for both of us. Hers ended because of her husband's alcoholism, and mine because my first wife had several affairs. 
Am I being overly sensitive because of my previous experience? I have worked with guys like this before, and seen them in action. This seems textbook to me - him playing on her sympathies. The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep. What do I do?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ascottharri s said:


> *This seems textbook to me - him playing on her sympathies. The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep*. What do I do?


Sorry man,
Your wife is not naive.
She is not a teenager in high school. 
For god's sake, she has been married and divorced.
She is already sexually attracted to James, and she KNOWS this.
The thought of James giving her such attention is exciting her.

That's why she is accusing you of being controlling.
Its called " gaslighting."

You need to put a stop to this NOW.
Have a look at the texts she gets from James.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take this guy for a long drive and leave him in the wild.

What ever happen can be pointed to his wife or the drug dealer.

Sound like a win win from were I'm sitting.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Ascottharri s said:


> She told me I'm being controlling and she can take care of herself.


Huge red flags. People from out side is not *her* bussiness but *marriage* bussiness.
Controling speech = I don't want to be acountable to you, I will do whatever pleases me. 

Her first husband alcoholism surely left her very entitled to her "freedom" one she divorced him. Also means she was left with blurred boundaires. The doesn't get waht healthy boundaires in marriage are. She's also used to power games. It's going to be hard to make her see this is completely unnaceptable.
Probably need proffesional help (MC).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I found the best way to stop being labed controlling is by telling the ones doing the labeling that you are not controlling them but protecting my self from additional pain by letting you go.

Like I always say I'm not controling I'm just protecting my family. Its always up to my wife, my adult son, my adult daughter to except this protection or not.

Funning thing is when ever I'm right they all come back and ask me if I stll know those guys that know guys that can take care of certain problems.

Any way your not being controling you are only protecting and when it comes to infidelity the one that needs the most protection is the betrayed.....so don't ever fall for the wayward crap!!!!!!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hmm. This is outside my field but let's see...

His wife is out to get him. She wants to kill him. She is having him followed. She has converted his truck to carry drugs in order to get him into trouble. (Before or after she kills him?)

_*And your wife is the only person who can help him.*_

You presume that his motivation is in order to get her into bed with him. Perhaps.

But I like to go by Occam's razor, aka the law of succinctness. Basically it says: The simplest explanation is often the correct one.

He is being followed! Set up for a drugs arrest! His wife is trying to kill him! And only one person can save him!

Is this the actions of a man looking for a bit of strange or, and I think this is more likely, the actions of someone suffering from some kind of paranoid and/or psychotic illness?

Paranoid people often fixate on one person or one group of people.

*This situation might be far more dangerous than you know.*

Does he consume large quantities of cannabis? Smoked or ingested to excess, cannabis paranoia can be very harmful. Often to other people.

You need to have this chap checked out. He could be a menace to your wife, you and your family.

Please! Be careful.


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## Ascottharri s (Oct 28, 2012)

I DO think he is nuts, but I don't think he's doing drugs because he's in the military and has a good career. 
Frankly, I don't give a crap if this guy needs to be checked out, or even if he is telling the truth and his wife IS trying to poison him. He has, in fact, backed off that story somewhat over the last few weeks, according to my wife, but what bothers the most is that she "forgets" to tell me he called or texted until a few days or a week has passed. 
Yesterday, the argument started because she accidentally left her phone at home, and when she got home and checked it out, she revealed that she had missed a call and a text message from him. That's when she said she's been conversing with him several times a week - maybe even a few times a day - since he got back from his overseas tour. I think she even communicates with him via Facebook, because she can do this with her phone and their conversations are completely private.
I am thinking of sending him and maybe his wife a message via Facebook.


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## Scott1973 (Mar 26, 2011)

Ascottharri s said:


> The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep. What do I do?



If you are leaving for a year for work consider yourself not married when you get back. You may need to quit your job.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Did any one see the movie "True Lies"?

I think your wife can;t face that guys use chick to get in ther pants and in her mind she is to smart to get played.

The fact of the matter is for what ever reason ones deniel is very powerful....no matter if you are the betrayed or the wayward.

IDk maybe it some folks have a hard time in believing in the worst in other poeple.

Anyway... I think the player should be played.

Set up a con and OM may never bother your wife again.

Even if OM told your wife about your con you can always blow it off as you had nothing to do with it and maybe it was his wife that left him in the middle of the woods.

See...thinking out side the box here, the OM set him self up for bad things to happen to him. and your wife would now the difference.

But thats just me.LOL


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Really mattmatt??? weed caused his extreme crazy thoughts that he very creatively made up. Don't blame a mental illness on marijuana. If he truly made it all up and believes it them he needs to be commited. Weed can make people paranoid but not to the point of crazy. Read up on marijuana a bit before pulling false information out of your you know what.

Edited to add: I usually agree with your sensible advice, but your views on marijuana are naive at best.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Play the player.

And maybe your chick won't even get any more calls.

My old lady cheated and its no fun, but if this POS is pushing then its time to push back.

Many will argue its your wife that needs to take a stand, but if yours is anything like mine then yes she is to damb niave.......

Anyway you deal with your chick with confidence and calm and firm boundries. As far as the a OM confront this POS and scare the crap out of him by exposing him.....or.... drop him off in the desert.LOL.

I mean this guy is showing up at your chick's work, so the way I see it you have 2 problems and one is with the OM.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Why are you not allowed to see the content of their communications?

Does your wife have secrets from you in her messages that she thinks you shouldn't see?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ascottharri s said:


> I DO think he is nuts, but I don't think he's doing drugs because he's in the military and has a good career.
> Frankly, I don't give a crap if this guy needs to be checked out, or even if he is telling the truth and his wife IS trying to poison him. He has, in fact, backed off that story somewhat over the last few weeks, according to my wife, but what bothers the most is that she "forgets" to tell me he called or texted until a few days or a week has passed.
> Yesterday, the argument started because she accidentally left her phone at home, and when she got home and checked it out, she revealed that she had missed a call and a text message from him. That's when she said she's been conversing with him several times a week - maybe even a few times a day - since he got back from his overseas tour. I think she even communicates with him via Facebook, because she can do this with her phone and their conversations are completely private.
> I am thinking of sending him and maybe his wife a message via Facebook.


So his mental illness is nature rather than nurture? And some people in the military do drugs.

Out him to his commander?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Ascottharri s said:


> I DO think he is nuts, but I don't think he's doing drugs because he's in the military and has a good career.


I think the military has rules regarding adultery and inappropriate behavior if push comes to shove.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Hmm. This is outside my field but let's see...
> 
> His wife is out to get him.
> She wants to kill him.
> ...


MM you forgot,
If Ascottharri ain't careful, this guys gonna have it in for him. (if you know what I mean )

Caribbean called it right out of the gate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrsOldNews said:


> Really mattmatt??? weed caused his extreme crazy thoughts that he very creatively made up. Don't blame a mental illness on marijuana. If he truly made it all up and believes it them he needs to be commited. Weed can make people paranoid but not to the point of crazy. Read up on marijuana a bit before pulling false information out of your you know what.
> 
> Edited to add: I usually agree with your sensible advice, but your views on marijuana are naive at best.


It is not false information, just because you don't know it, MrsOldNews. I personally know two people who became certifiably insane as a result of smoking skunk. As in locked in a secure unit for a time.

Here's something for you to take a look at 
I smoked skunk for 6 years until May - Talking About Cannabis - Community Support, Advice and Information - Cannabis Addiction - The Cannabis Diaries

And yes, my views on the use of cannabis (as a moderate social user) pretty much mirrored yours. Until my first nasty bout of paranoia induced by some cannabis. Last time I smoked it.


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## Ascottharri s (Oct 28, 2012)

It's not that she won't let me see the messages from Facebook, I haven't asked. But text messages are saved forever, and can be accessed fairly easily from her phone when she's in the shower or whatever. Facebook messages are private. Unless she logs in and shows them to me, I can't get to them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to get to those text, it will answers some unanswered questions.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Why don't you ask?

How sure are you that she hasn't been deleting them?

Tell her you were cheated on in the past and this is triggering you and it would make you feel better if you could see the messages.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Why don't you have each other's passwords?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Tell your wife that you trusted her to protect your marriage and put you first, now she is taking away your trust. 
It shouldn't even be an argument.

Also there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage. Everything should be an open book, unless you are doing something wrong, and have something to hide.

There was a great article posted on here about opposite sex friends and how not to cheat.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/59139-how-not-cheat-your-wife.html


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep.


Of course she did... If you plan to leave your wife back home for a whole year in this scenario you better get divorced now. You're a guy. You know what this is. As soon as you walk out the door you can expect full court pressure 24/7 on her and she isn't as naive as you think. She is not a virgin teen. She knows what this is and she likes it. 

A long distance relationship is hard on even the strongest marriage. In a situation where your wife allows a guy to chase her like this...

And yes, that whole deal of him being known as a player, that only INCREASES his attractiveness value for women. Even when they say it doesn't.



> Unless she logs in and shows them to me, I can't get to them.


If you ask and she refuses it works too... You know all you need to know. There is something to hide from you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ascottharri s said:


> . That's when she said she's been conversing with him several times a week - maybe even a few times a day - Facebook.



Please replace the word "week" with the word "day" and replace the word "day" with the word "hour".

It will give you the reality to the issue at hand.

"Thats when she said she's been conversing with him several times a day- maybe even a few times an hour"


Its call minimizing, and its part of the script...sorry man.

Maybe I've been here to long but thats how it really goes once you look for your self.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Do you have to go away? Your marriage is being assaulted. I agree with Costa, you might as well leave her now cuz you're gonna go through hell.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Carib hit the nail on the head. I assume you told her about your 1st marriage, so now its time to ask her how she wants to divide up the stuff.
Just tell her you had this same conversation with your ex and you won't be sitting back waiting for that sh!t to happen again.
Tell her the controlling word was used then too.
And yes you want to start the D before you go away. BC i sure looks like you won't be marrieed this time next year.

Now you know she is going to use the old " I'm not your ex", thats where you say " you sure sound like her, so I'll just save myself the worries and pain by getting out now ".

And DON'T for a minute think we are coming at this too strong.
We see this ALL the time. There is NOTHING special or unique about the way she is acting or saying.

You can sit her down, and try to get her to see how important this is to you and to your marriage that she have NO MORE CONTACT with him at all, but if she just sticks to the bull about controlling, then you know she is not putting the marriage first.
Then you might as well pull the trigger on the divide speech. Cause just as sure as God made lil green apples she is going to draw even closer while you are gone.

Truthfully, I would not trust her now anyway !!!
I can see her resentfully consenting until you are gone, then getting back at you. I won't even mention how.

She knows why your first ended, and if she can't understand, then she is all about her, then you, hopefully.

You have told her, now its time to tell him, making sure he know you have no problem going to his commanding officer and reporting him.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

In fact, report him tomorrow at the soonest. 
DON'T tell her or him that you are doing it.
Let her see you are not going to put up with this crap.
She is either ALL in or ALL out. Her choice.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You're not nuts and Your wife could be naive but that doesn't change anything. You told her that you are uncomfortable with this situation and she seems to be doing what she wants to do anyway, irregardless of your fellings. Follow Caribbeanman's advice and put an end to this now! She has to make a choice between you or him, there is no such things as "just friends" in a marriage. Don't give a crap about her calling you controlling; thats bulls1t. You do what you have to do to sop this contact now. (My wife called me controlling when an ex started e-mailing her and I asked her to end it. My reaction was to block his e-mail address at the ISP so none of his e-mails can get in or out, amongst other things I did). I'd grab her phone and step on it, just to show her how pissed I was.

I would even call him and ask him to back off. Someone sid that you need to be careful or he'll come after you. Well if he tries, call the cops and his CO (you said he's in the military) neither would take kindly to this nut job threatening a civilian. Pull out all the stops man, don't Fvck around.

Edit: I just read that you are going to go away for a year. If you are serious about your marriage DON'T DO IT. Find another job. If you don't he'll be trying to bang her before your plane lands.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Sounds like he is on meth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I think everybody here understands if she wants to bang this guy there ain't a hell of a lot Asoct or anybody else is going to do to be able to stop her. And if she wants to bang him, what's to point in trying. My take is to set back and see what happens. If she fails the test, ditch her and find somebody else. Like my uncle would say, "if you have to put a chastity belt on um to keep um from giving it up for somebody else, get rid of um and you don't have to worry about it."


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Have her send him a bill for medical consultation. Your wife is a professional and unless she offers free medial advice to everyone else, she has no right to take time from her family to give someone else comfort. 

Time to put your foot down firmly


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## Ascottharri s (Oct 28, 2012)

I sent messages to his wife via Facebook, and he called shortly thereafter. He swore that he considers us family blah blah blah... And he would never try anything with my wife... Blah blah blah... I didn't give him my number, so I'm sure he contacted my wife to get it, and now she won't answer my call, so I'm probably in for it when she gets home from work tonight. I'm prepared, though, I have a right to protect my family from threats, and if she sides with him, that tells me where she stands. This sucks, but I'm ready.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You should look forward to an HONEST discussion with her. It is she that should be thinking 'she's in for it' - and well she should. 

time for a 'come to Jesus' talk. Don't let it devolve into a shouting match. Keep cool. Logic is on your side. If she starts yelling tell her to take a break and calm down. Keep your wits about you and don't accept ANY blame for trying to protect your family. You're doing what a family man does with pride. Not with shame or remorse. Not one bit.

And tell him to consider himself a stranger. Your family is large enough.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Presuming the story is true, that his wife is setting him up for mayhem and drug busts.

Simple---call the police and lay it all out.

Your wife is not,the only person who can deal with the situation --again, presuming it is true.

However, you have to know it is utter tripe.

If I were you I would not leave for a year.

Your marriage is already at risk.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Ascottharri s said:


> I sent messages to his wife via Facebook, and he called shortly thereafter. He swore that he considers us family blah blah blah... And he would never try anything with my wife... Blah blah blah... I didn't give him my number, so I'm sure he contacted my wife to get it, and now she won't answer my call, so I'm probably in for it when she gets home from work tonight. I'm prepared, though, I have a right to protect my family from threats, and if she sides with him, that tells me where she stands. This sucks, but I'm ready.


Good luck and don't falter.

Tell her you are not trying to control her and she can do anything she wants to. But tell her you have the right to do what you have to do depending on her behavior and you can not stay if she remains in contact with him.

I hope she chooses you. But also be aware that just because she says she will does not mean that it is true. You have said she is already being secretive about contact with him.

Put some monitoring software in place. Keylogger on the computer. That will give you her passwords if she refuses to give them and should pop up any hidden accounts.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> He swore that he considers us family blah blah blah... And he would never try anything with my wife... Blah blah blah...


Then tell him to GTFO of your life. You know he is full of sh!t.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Aren't nurses and other such professionals bound by their job to report anyone who is a danger to themselves or others?

And she hasn't reported him?

Hmmmm


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Remains said:


> Aren't nurses and other such professionals bound by their job to report anyone who is a danger to themselves or others?
> 
> And she hasn't reported him?
> 
> Hmmmm



Soooo, she should report herself?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Take this guy for a long drive and leave him in the wild.
> 
> What ever happen can be pointed to his wife or the drug dealer.
> 
> Sound like a win win from were I'm sitting.


Yes, but dig the hole deep. So many BHs get tripped up by not digging the hole deep enough.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to get harsh with your wife

Lay it out for her---your 1st question to her, is, does she know the definition of mge---make sure she understands mge is for 2 only, and having another male, for any reason, that is in contact with your wife IS NOT PART OF MGE

You are not controlling---you are protecting your mge---and she is fighting agst the mge

IMHO---you need to tell her she is cheating, by spending any time with this guy at all, and that she can make a decision---either she end it and go NC, with this guy---or she can look for a D. atty, to defend a D. action--------make sure she understands, that you went thru this once before, and that she as your wife, should know what she is now putting you thru, and if she has no more respect for you and the mge, than maybe she doesn't wanna be married----and then YOU GET UP AND LEAVE, and go dark on her, for at least 3 to 4 hours---go visit someone, go to a sporting event---do whatever---but stay away---and DO NOT TALK TO HER IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM----let her think about the future, and that future if she chooses the wrong way, will be of her as a single D, woman----

Put this on her, and let her know thru the course of all of this---she has to make the decision, of what she wants---to be solidly, and happily married---or to be screwing around with a worthless POS, who wants nothing more than to get her into bed------and you let her know in no uncertain terms---you will not stick around to watch any of that kind of action go down


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

the guy said:


> I found the best way to stop being labed controlling is by telling the ones doing the labeling that you are not controlling them but protecting my self from additional pain by letting you go.
> 
> Like I always say I'm not controling I'm just protecting my family. Its always up to my wife, my adult son, my adult daughter to except this protection or not.
> 
> ...


Guys who know guys that have guys that take care of certain problems are awesome!

Hence forth, I shall call you Tony Saprano!

Welcome to you new nickname.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My take on this is that your wife is naive to the EXTENT of his intentions. She knows that he is a dangerous guy with women, knows he's cheated with others, and the thought of him paying this much attention to her is flattering - makes her feel like she's as worthy as all the women he cheated with.

But what she doesn't understand is this is more than just a little attention. She is sliding down a slippery slope. Probably hasn't done anything wrong....yet. But she doesn't realize the EXTENT at which this man is grooming her. I mean, he KNOWS you are leaving for a year, making her totally vulnerable. He's clearly been able to woo other women successfully, so this is his next conquest. Promise.

I agree with the poster that said consider yourself not married when you come back. If I'm you, I look for another job. Even without this threat around, being gone for a year is a death knell for a marriage.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Ascottharri s said:


> My wife has been friends with this guy, "James" since before we were married. Initially, she dated his roommate, but she and her two sons became fast friends with the three guys who lived in the house across the street. She knows James as a serial philanderer - she has told me he cheated on his fiancée several times before they were married, and she told me she's had conversations with him in which he revealed he has had several more affairs since he got married.


This makes him look very Alpha to your W. Remember women like the bad boys because they think they will be the one to change them.


> A few weeks ago, we were sitting on the couch and he called my wife with this crazy story he concocted about his wife trying to kill him, and that she was having him followed, she rigged his truck to secretly transport drugs, etc..... Long story short, he said he called her because she's a nurse and he needed her medical opinion, AND she was the only person he could trust. Since then, she's confessed to me that this guy calls or text messages her several times a week, and has even come to see her while she was at work - something I don't even do.


He’s playing her and actively courting her. Rest assured he’s lying and will lie to keep her interested in him.


> We got in a huge argument because I told her she should know better, that he is playing to her sympathies in order to get her in bed. She says that I am crazy and that she's not doing anything wrong. I asked to to put him in his place and to tell him to stop calling her - or I will. She told me I'm being controlling and she can take care of herself.


She is a married woman who should not be having an inappropriate friendship with someone who has this kind of reputation. She is in denial. 


> Am I being overly sensitive because of my previous experience? I have worked with guys like this before, and seen them in action. This seems textbook to me - him playing on her sympathies. The trouble is, I work for a contractor and I have to go away for more than a year very soon - something she just happened to share with this creep. What do I do?


She is on a slippery slope and you need to nip it in the bud. If the status quo remains, it will progress regardless of what she says or thinks. You’ll hear the “I didn’t intend for this to happen blah blah blah”. 

Tell her its either him or you; don’t let her complaining you are blowing this out of proportion sway you. You either deal with it now or later AFTER she is sleeping with him. If she wants to stay married and loves you she will give him up since he should be nobody anyway. If she defends him or feels she should keep this “friendship” then make preparations for leaving because she WILL eventually start a full blown affair. She is not going to be able to resist him for much longer.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Ascottharri s said:


> I sent messages to his wife via Facebook, and he called shortly thereafter. He swore that he considers us family blah blah blah... And he would never try anything with my wife... Blah blah blah... I didn't give him my number, so I'm sure he contacted my wife to get it, and now she won't answer my call, so I'm probably in for it when she gets home from work tonight. I'm prepared, though, I have a right to protect my family from threats, and if she sides with him, that tells me where she stands. This sucks, but I'm ready.


Fantastic , good move. The fact that he called her , she did not call you and had him call you speaks volumes.

Dont even ague with her, there is one phrase: Privacy is for the bathroom secrecy is deceit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not back down. This creep is clearly putting way too much time and attention into your wife, way too much.

You know from his history what he is interested in, and it isn't recipe swapping.

He's clearly grooming her to have an affair, lots of attention, seeds of doubt about you.


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