# Husband less than honest, I think



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Hello, I have been married almost 30 years. 10 years ago we separated, but with counseling we reconciled 2 years later. As it turned out, he had been out of the marriage for years and pursuing other women. He never actually slept with one until we were separated, though it was tough because all during the separation he kept telling how he loved me, he wanted our marriage, he would come and stay at the house - he made it seem like it was only me who was unsure.

Cut to now. We have moved to a new city due to a transfer. 3 things have me upset:

1. He is now technically superior to his old high school girlfriend. I would not care, except she is one of the women he pursued during before our separation. He is 5 levels above her and she works in an office 30 miles away. I realized the situation when I accidentally found out he had been in contact with her for professional reasons (she knows someone he wanted to hire). All I said was that if he should need to have contact with her in the future, could he tell me so I don't hear about it and feel betrayed. He agreed. He has since had contact with her and did not honor my request.

2. A women he used to work with was in town and they met for lunch two days in a row while she was here. He did not mention it to me (nor did he need to). I happened to ride my bike to the library on one of the days which goes right past his office and was going to stop to see if he wanted to grab lunch. I decided against it due to time constraints. He asked me what I did that day and I told him. He got this look on his face. I asked him what he did for lunch and he told me he ordered a sandwich. Later he got very aggressive with me, asking me what was wrong, why was I mad (I was not - I had no idea at that point). It reminded me so much of his behavior before and while we were separated I checked his phone and realized he had been having lunch with this woman on the patio of a restaurant that I passed on my bike route! No wonder he was squirrelly! He was a jerk so much all weekend, that I checked his phone again on Sunday - all messages and emails from the woman were gone.

3. Last Friday he had lunch with a female coworker. I would not care, but he told me he had lunch with a guy, Jim. I discovered this by accident because his phone dinged while he was out and our son was in a pickle and I thought it was him texting. It was an email from this woman that previewed as "I like our lunches". Now I was curious. She sent him a note prior to the lunch that said, "We don't have to have lunch every other week if you are getting sick of me." He responded with "I like our talks and our lunches". She responded with a smile. Now, this is a department head and my husband is the regional director. It seems too personal to me! AND, he lied. Why didn't he just say he was having lunch with Kristine, the department head, rather than Jim (who is also a department head).


Thanks for reading. I think I am going to pack my bags and disappear. He already knows I feel he does not desire me due to his very specific preferences for women (which I do not meet). I am fit and slim, but not the stick blonde he prefers. He admits he watches porn and masturbates rather than asking for sex. He's just not that into me. Sad to say after 30 years. 

Thanks for reading. What do you think? Too many red flags? Why the lies??


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Why do you feel like he shouldn't have to tell you if he's going out with a woman for lunch? Or that you shouldn't care? 

Me and my bf have a rule of no opposite sex friends alone. I'd be pissed if he went out to lunch with a woman and even more so if he didn't tell me and then even more if he lied. 

It's shady and even if it was just lunch I wouldn't be ok with it. The lying would make me feel like it was more than just lunch though. 

If he can't be honest about where he is and what he's doing he shouldn't be doing it.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Because we have been married 30 years and he has female colleagues. I don't see going to lunch with a female colleague as a threat, but when it is a cutesy "I like our talks and lunches" rather than "we had a productive meeting", then yes, I feel it is a problem.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

NickyT said:


> Because we have been married 30 years and he has female colleagues. I don't see going to lunch with a female colleague as a threat, but when it is a cutesy "I like our talks and lunches" rather than "we had a productive meeting", then yes, I feel it is a problem.


And he feels compelled to lie about it.

I think you know what's going on here. You're husband is a jerk. An unfaithful, selfish jerk.

So what are you going to do about it?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

NickyT said:


> Because we have been married 30 years and he has female colleagues. I don't see going to lunch with a female colleague as a threat, but when it is a cutesy "I like our talks and lunches" rather than "we had a productive meeting", then yes, I feel it is a problem.


Work meetings don't take place in private restaurants with just the 2 of them. It'd be an HR nightmare. 

He could easily keep things professional with the women at work. Go out in groups and not one on one. 

At very least he has poor boundaries. He needs to stop meeting women one on one.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Magnesium said:


> And he feels compelled to lie about it.
> 
> I think you know what's going on here. You're husband is a jerk. An unfaithful, selfish jerk.
> 
> So what are you going to do about it?


And it's not just this one lie. It is a pattern of lies. I am not sure what I am going to do about it. There is NO talking to him about it. I have. I have calmly asked that he let me know regarding the high school girl friend. Before we separated, there was a woman he was colleagues with who did he did the same thing with. Even after the reconciliation when I found out he still had dealings with her, I asked the same - that he just let me know. He did not multiple times. 

It's a matter of respect. He has none for my feeling on these things. Why, I don't know. It no longer matters. I have to start making plans and when I am ready to leave, I will present it to him. When I go, I will no longer see him or talk to him. Before, the children were young and I had to see him. They are all adults now. I no longer have to have anything to do with him.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

He has lunch meetings with men one on one all the time. Is that a problem?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

NickyT said:


> And it's not just this one lie. It is a pattern of lies. I am not sure what I am going to do about it. There is NO talking to him about it. I have. I have calmly asked that he let me know regarding the high school girl friend. Before we separated, there was a woman he was colleagues with who did he did the same thing with. Even after the reconciliation when I found out he still had dealings with her, I asked the same - that he just let me know. He did not multiple times.
> 
> It's a matter of respect. He has none for my feeling on these things. Why, I don't know. It no longer matters. I have to start making plans and when I am ready to leave, I will present it to him. When I go, I will no longer see him or talk to him. Before, the children were young and I had to see him. They are all adults now. I no longer have to have anything to do with him.


Start defining your boundaries - for yourself. Definitely start making plans. See a lawyer. Make plans for your future. 

And gather evidence of his cheating, but keep very quiet about it. The evidence of cheating may serve you well in the divorce.

Please see a lawyer to figure out what your options are. Protect yourself.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

It is likely he routinely avoids telling you of any social interactions with women, innocent or not.

But in this case he is trying to woo that woman. 

I'm sorry.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. 

Why do you need to pack? You did nothing wrong.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*



Satya said:


> Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.


I'm not saying the OP is like this, because I don't have enough information to make a determination; but after being married to someone with BPD for 15 years, I no longer believe this statement.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

It is possible that he meets with women as part of his career. He doesn't tell you because you react to it in a way that he feels it is best that you not know.

Or he could be chasing these women or already be involved with them. 

Difficult to know without hearing his side of the story.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

Well, I'm on the complete other side. He was pursuing women before the separation and waited until after to have sex...Okay. So, you reconcile and he starts lying about contact again AFTER he agrees to let you know. Your reaction means little if I agree to honor your boundary request. Don't agree if you know you can't stop.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

I imagine this situation is amplified by 100 because he was pursuing other women while you were married. I imagine the trust just isn't what it used to be so I understand your reasoning for thinking his lunches are fishy and a little worrisome.

That being said, I work in an office and I'm always shocked and surprised by how many people leave the building with different people for lunches. (I work the mass lunch shift so I see everything, lol.) When I started a few years ago I swore up and down this person and that person were having an affair. No. Honestly, most of the time the people that end up going for lunch together do so because it's either convenient of they have work matters to discuss. I know that know after being in a position to observe it. It's honestly as simple as someone wanted pizza and someone wanted tacos so the people that wanted tacos went together.

I don't know if I consider him lying. I don't tell my husband when I've had a good chat with a male co worker not because I'm in love with him, but because it'd make my husband feel uneasy. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, but my husband isn't here so who knows what he'd think. To omany possibilities of what we said could run through his head so I won't tell him. (He always seems to think people are in love with me when they're not.) Also,w hat I talked about probably wasn'tall that important, lol. It's not soemtihng I'd think to tell him, just because it happened to occur with the opposite sex. 

If you would like to know when he goesn lunches you can ask he tell you?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

Pack your bags, leave, and dont look back. This man is a worthless POS and is wasting your life.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*



NickyT said:


> Hello, I have been married almost 30 years. 10 years ago we separated, but with counseling we reconciled 2 years later. As it turned out, he had been out of the marriage for years and pursuing other women. He never actually slept with one until we were separated, though it was tough because all during the separation he kept telling how he loved me, he wanted our marriage, he would come and stay at the house - he made it seem like it was only me who was unsure.
> Cut to now. We have moved to a new city due to a transfer. 3 things have me upset:
> 
> 1. He is now technically superior to his old high school girlfriend. I would not care, except she is one of the women he pursued during before our separation. He is 5 levels above her and she works in an office 30 miles away. I realized the situation when I accidentally found out he had been in contact with her for professional reasons (she knows someone he wanted to hire). All I said was that if he should need to have contact with her in the future, could he tell me so I don't hear about it and feel betrayed. He agreed. He has since had contact with her and did not honor my request.
> ...


I am sorry but your WH is an absolute jerk. Give him what he wants. Go see a lawyer and get the divorce papers ready, take him for all he is worth and move on with your life. No man is worth the anxiety and distrust that will come with him, he is just not worth it. Do you have friends you can rely on for now?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*

Do you want to be married to a liar? Every lie further separates him from you. Lying creates division.

Marriage is supposed to be about unity. Two people joining their lives together and having each other's backs in everything. When you lie to your mate, that is the opposite of unity. It tears you apart. You feel it now. You are torn by what he is doing. He is hurting you with his lies. Not only that, but when you asked him where he was, he turned it back around on you and laid into you for nothing whatsoever. He turned you into his adversary rather than his mate. All that does is further destroy your bond.

Your husband does not have your back. He does not have your best interests at heart. He is not walking in a manner that leads to mutual love and respect. That right there is a betrayal.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: These are my concerns, should I go?*



CynthiaDe said:


> Do you want to be married to a liar? Every lie further separates him from you. Lying creates division.
> 
> Marriage is supposed to be about unity. Two people joining their lives together and having each other's backs in everything. When you lie to your mate, that is the opposite of unity. It tears you apart. You feel it now. You are torn by what he is doing. He is hurting you with his lies. Not only that, but when you asked him where he was, he turned it back around on you and laid into you for nothing whatsoever. He turned you into his adversary rather than his mate. All that does is further destroy your bond.
> 
> Your husband does not have your back. He does not have your best interests at heart. He is not walking in a manner that leads to mutual love and respect. That right there is a betrayal.


Very well said!!


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

*My husband's communication*

I posted earlier about my concerns about my husband's lying. In a nutshell, he has a habit of lying to me about females. He has lunch with a female colleague, but tells me he had lunch with a male colleague. There are many other examples, but I won't go into them here.

So tonight he is out of town. He tried to call, but I was on the phone. Then he kept calling while I was on the phone to the point that I thought something was wrong, awkwardly ended an very important call, and returned his call.

He had called our adult daughter when I did not answer and she told him I was upset. She had seen me today and I was in shock over learning about yet another lie. I told her nothing about it other than I was upset.

So...he gets me on the phone and starts grilling me about what is wrong. He is out of town at an intense business meeting, so I said we should wait to talk about it until he gets back. I was completely calm and sweet and asked how things were there. He kept insisting I tell him, and I said it would be fine, we can talk about it when you get back. NOPE. He was not having it. So I said I felt he was being deceitful. We started to get into it - he, of course, has NO idea what I am talking about. (he does, I have proof but did not tell him that)

When I realized the conversation was going nowhere, I got quiet. Then I hear all this odd noise in the background and I ask him where he is.

He was walking to dinner with his colleagues. THAT is how he chooses to discuss the state of our marriage with me.

Am I overreacting??


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

*Re: My husband's communication*

You know he's a liar. You know he lacks appropriate boundaries. You know that he has a history of being disrespectful of you and your marriage. 

I don't think it's too surprising that he would choose to communicate about his lies in a manner that displays both poor boundaries and disrespect. That's sort of his m.o., really. 

What I would be curious about, though, is why you're willing to continue putting up with this? If anything, I suspect you've been _under_-reacting for a very long time.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

*Re: My husband's communication*

You know you aren't overreacting. As Rowan said, if anything you are under-reacting.

I read your other thread, and have to wonder why you are still with this lying cheating cad. You will never be able to trust him. 

He couldn't be honest about anything to save his life if he were being held at gunpoint.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: My husband's communication*

@NickyT

Today you started 3 threads about your issue in 3 different TAM forums. Everyone here reads in all the forums, so you only need to post in one forum.

Forums rules are one thread per topic. Plus you will get better input with the one thread. So I merged all three of your threads into this one.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: My husband's communication*



NickyT said:


> I posted earlier about my concerns about my husband's lying. In a nutshell, he has a habit of lying to me about females. He has lunch with a female colleague, but tells me he had lunch with a male colleague. There are many other examples, but I won't go into them here.
> 
> So tonight he is out of town. He tried to call, but I was on the phone. Then he kept calling while I was on the phone to the point that I thought something was wrong, awkwardly ended an very important call, and returned his call.
> 
> ...


You know in your gut that he is lying and up to something. However because of years of this and your history with him, you second guess yourself all the time. Never second guess your gut, in 90% of the cases it is spot on.
He acted edgy when he found out you had been on a bike ride and passed the place where he was with a woman for lunch which he lied about.
He is calling you, not out of concern, but worried that he will be once again caught out, he is in damage control mode, to cover his own ass!

What more do you need, you know he is lying at the least, you know he is up to no good, do you want to see him in action?

I think it is time to walk away from him, you did for 2 years and managed without him, you can do it permanently. No-one is worth this type of anguish and checking up on, that is not what a marriage should be. Give him what he wants, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Take away the cake and dump him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NickyT said:


> He has lunch meetings with men one on one all the time. Is that a problem?


Well I don't know, it all depends.

Are these men emailing your husband and telling him how much they 'enjoy' those weekly lunches, and letting your husband know that he doesn't have to continue these enjoyable lunches if he's getting sick of meeting these guys every week? And does your husband reply to these men that he's thoroughly enjoying their weekly lunches and chats and he'd like to continue doing them?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Sounds like your husband was enjoying the 'single life' while you were married *and* while you were separated. I see nothing different now that you're back with him.

Same old ****, different flies.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

UPDATE: 

Well, my husband returned from his trip to tell me his position from work will probably be eliminated in 6 - 12 weeks. It is a cost cutting measure, so they will not find another position for him. As an aside, my husband was just transfered 18 months ago and we relocated 12 months ago. New city - all new - if they let him go before he is in the position 2 years they are going to ask us to pay back all the relocation expenses they paid for. He has done extremely well in the position, winning the two largest jobs in the country, and turning a losing money region into the #1 region in the country - in 18 months. And now they are letting him go. omg.

So, he "needs my support". He admitted he has lied to me about when he has lunch with female colleagues because of sensitivities on my part. I called BS on him. Of course I am sensitive, which is why I very calmly and clear headedly asked him to not let me know when this might come up. I feel his refusing to do that because he "wanted to avoid a conflict" is not only baseless, it is an insult to my intelligence. What does he think I am? 13 years old?? If there was conflict in the past over this, it was because (he now admits) he was pursuing other women. I am his girl, he says. He loves me only, he says. He only wants my attention.

Ugh. Now we are in preservation mode with this job thing. I don't work - I left my job when I moved 12 months ago and have been volunteering this past year. So, I can not support myself. I am 55. NO ONE wants to hire me. I have a college degree. I can not get a job running a cast register. Ugh.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This really doesnt change anything between you, he is still a louse. You arent working, so you are completely free to leave and go live with a family member or close friend. YOU are the only thing keeping you where you are.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> This really doesnt change anything between you, he is still a louse.


Well, that's not entirely true.

He's a _jobless_ louse.

I wouldn't be surprised if it eventually comes out that Casanova was 'laid off ' due to allegations of sexual harassment from one or two of the female employees.


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