# I will get burned for this question



## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

Since finding out of my H's A, I was deeply hurt and had thoughts of revenge A but my sane side prevailed; revenge A thoughts were to relieve my anger and pain. After much consideration recently, I ask myself, is it possible for a person to love one and only one person in their life time?

We married young and we were our firsts. She was his second. He has since regretted his actions, has a total personality change from before, very committed to our marriage. I still have anger, some days, asked myself, how could have he done what he did? For the 14 months he had the PA with her, he was the crappiest lover to me and I never complained, thought it was stress from his work and accepted it but it fact, he had saved everything for her. Now that he's back and from what I read here, he's just not a good lover.

I love him very much and always thought we will grow old together and will be only each other's love. Now I resent the fact that he had loved someone else and had experienced someone else's love. I asked him would our marriage be over if he finds out I have an A and he said no. It was only hypothetical, I'm sure had he been faced with this reality, the answer could be different. 

I know I will get burned for this. I should be grateful that he has turned a 180 degrees but I still have this nagging question. Is it normal for me to feel that I want to experience love from another man other than my H? Is this what I truly want or is it from the anger that I still feel when I think about his A?

I know that the A would end in no good, it would cause a lot of complications we don't need and would undo what work we've been trying to do to strenthen our marriage. 

A week ago, he said perhaps the good thing came out of his A was that he had lots of regrets and has changed completely to make our marriage stronger than ever (which is true). He said he finally realized I am the most important thing in his life and he's constantly afraid of losing me. In my mind, I should have fired back, then my future A should make our marriage even stronger than even now. Please advise.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

What he says now and what he does when faced with it would be different. Of course he's going to say no right now...he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to give you additional ammo/justification for reacting as you have (not saying your reaction is wrong in any way). DO NOT have a revenge affair. You think you are missing out and want more...divorce him and go find it. He's the one who strayed and broke what you two had. If you want to make it work...forget having an affair yourself to make it even....its never even.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think that it is perfectly normal to have your line of thinking. I went as far as to tell my H that I wanted a "free pass" to sleep with another man the same amount of times and he couldn't say sh** about it. I thought he was gonna die right there. It felt good to see him hurt. It probably shouldn't have, but it really did. Then I realized that I wasn't gonna change myself just to react to his being an idiot. I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I am the best person I can be and that I would never lower my standards just because he had. And I am happier now for it. But I do think that you have to have time to get all the hate out. I am against rushing it, because I don't want to be back there again. Take your time, let things simmer, just don't act on anything until you know that the anger is gone. If you still feel the need, then take the steps to get divorced and go for it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

stupidme said:


> Now that he's back and from what I read here, he's just not a good lover.


You have 2 things going on here as I see it...

1) You have never been with anyone else, something you shared up until his affair which you probably were fine with and now he's left you feeling like he jumped ship from your team leaving you the only one not knowing what it's like to be w/someone else.

2) You are still really angry that he had an affair.

I think this would be good timing to discuss the fact that he's your only and since you are married will be your only and that you would like to spice things up in the sex department...give him some ideas on what that means.


stupidme said:


> In my mind, I should have fired back, then my future A should make our marriage even stronger than even now.


This is your anger talking....totally understandable but from the title of your thread I think you already know this would be a disaster...you would either feel awful afterward and/or your marriage would take another huge hit.

 Take the high road


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Swedish always gives very sound advice and what she said is completely true. I also would add that your likely going to have these feelings for a long time, maybe the rest of your life, wether it is with him or another man in the future. It's a mental demon that all of us who have had this happen to, deal with going forward.

I will say though that if you do continue to try and work this out with your husband, you can overcome some of the hurdles in the bedroom. One of the things when being inexperienced is that you do not get to find out what or how to have good sex. Sometimes people are naturally good at it but most of us learn how to be good at it. You can get yourself to new levels of experience in exploring yourself and your spouse. There are certainly things that you both can learn behind closed doors that will open up new levels of satisfaction and if you start out by doing some research in books, and other media, you can find out some of those things. A lot of it can actually be very fun if you can allow yourself to try new things and not think of them as taboo. I can't really go into detail as it would be somewhat inappropriate to describe on a forum. But be openminded to "exploring" yourselves together or individually to find those little things that turn your crank so to speak. You would be surprised at what you both might find out and keep you both happy with what you two have together. 

I will say this based off of the experiences of the relationship I am currently in, I am starting to really believe that the big O is somehow directly related to the level of love we feel towards our significant other. Add to that my spouse and I having explored each other and tried new things, we are bringing our own experiences to levels that neither of us thought existed. 

I know you have a mental struggle ahead of you but keep looking for the positives that you do have and maybe you might surprise yourself and each other. Good luck!


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

Thank you all for your inputs and advices.

When I think of the 2 years of EA and the 14 monts of PA that he was having with her, I get very bitter and saddened, thus I question, is it possible to love one person only for one's whole life. 

The 2 years history he had with her is a very long time. I was just a mere someone on the side looking after the homefront while he was out carouselling with her, without a single thought or care or me. Home was like a hotel to him, a place that he had to show up for a few hours to sleep; the rest of the time was spent planning & starting their own business together. His mentality was to carry on with her as long as he could, which means had I not told by someone, it would have gone on till she gives him the ultimatum. 

I recently found out he had proposed to her to keep the relationship going. It was like having a bomb dropping again. I remember back when I imposed a NC with her, he was like a broken man, near to a nervous breakdown without her. It tears me to pieces when I have my bad days. 

He says I should be happy that he's back 100%, mistakes had been made and the only way to rectify it is to positively move forward, not looking back to the past. I know things are good now but I often have days that I question whether I have the strenth to stay in this marriage because the hurt just can't seem to go away.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I actually think we can love many people at once. I love my husband to pieces, but the kind of love I had for my fiance before him was completely different. Not better or worse, just different. I don't blame you for being confused at all. My H has his affair that lasted a mere two weeks. And I still get confused and angry. Almost jealous that while I was taking care of the kids he was sleeping with another. Like I should get that too to make up for what I missed out on. Granted those thoughts were anger talking, but I still had them.


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## sweetpee (Jan 5, 2010)

I could not go on without sayen to you I feel your pain and I believe that you can find another true love but the question will be will you be ready? I know it sems blick right now but as time goes on you will strengthen and move on.


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## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Sme,

I wanted to know how it all worked out... did you have the affair? 

I can relate to your post in many ways.


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## babydoll4life (Jun 4, 2010)

hummmmm


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

stupidme said:


> I asked him would our marriage be over if he finds out I have an A and he said no. It was only hypothetical, I'm sure had he been faced with this reality, the answer could be different.


I am wondering what your feelings would have been if he had said yes.

Also, I once read about someone who was in a similar position to yourself, i.e. only ever having been with one man all her life and then he had an affair. She seriously considered having a "revenge affair" but decided not to sink to this level. Instead she considered a "compromise revenge affair" where she told her husband she had had an affair, when in fact she hadn't at all. 

The idea was that the husband be hurt but resolve never to hurt her in this way again, having experienced the pain himself firsthand. I've no idea how things turned out and am not advocating it as such coz there is always the possibility that it could backfire. Has anyone on here considered/done this and was was the result?


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

My apology, it's been a while that I've logged in here. I find when I come here, I get pulled back into my own hurt again.

wifeinlove, I read your posts and I understand exactly what you're going through, what you're feeling. I had a chance with a much younger single man and I didn't take it. This could have easily developed into an EA as well, and the chemistry between us was something I haven't felt since when my H & I first started dating in our teens. I felt he was safe since he was single (I vowed never ever to get involved with a married man), young, quite good looking, and very very interested, made me feel beautiful and wanted.

We met at a fitness club and the OM asked me out every time we casually briefly talked which was about 2-3 times and I turned him down; After he found I was married, he asked me one last time before he stopped going there. 

^^Advocado, you wonder what my feelings would be if my H had said yes, regarding the ending of our marriage if I have an A. Honestly, that would have really pushed me to have an A because he did many many wrong things to our kids and I when he was in that A of his. To this day, none of our kids knew a thing of this A because I don't want it to affect them in any way, I still want their world to be this rosy looking glass, I don't want them to look at their father in a lesser way.

Do I have days where I regret that I have turned the OM down? Yes, countless times ...... because I believe he would have made a very good lover, something I was looking for and wanted to experience but when it came down to it, I could not do it. To this day, I still want to experience love making from another man. I don't want just an A, I want to feel everything my H went through, love and lust but I could not do it because I don't want to hurt the other person, because I know I will not leave my marriage, I can't bring myself to experience the love of another man, as much as I want to experience it.

My confidence level took a heavy beating when I found out about the A and my H still thinks she's more attractive than me, among other things such as she's much younger, a very business savy person, a good talker that can talk men into doing any thing she wants, the only bad thing about her is that she's a psycho with no conscience. What am I? I'm only a fourty something year old SAHM with a good heart, that's all there is to me.

To prove that I too, am attractive, I try to become a little bit less shy and try to make eye contacts with the people I interact with (even now, it's a great effort for me to do this because I'm an extremely shy person), and men started flirting with me when I do errands around town by myself, and they do give me second looks when I'm with my H as well. I told my H the incidents that men flirted with me and he didn't believe me, who would pay attention, let alone flirted with forty something year old woman? 

Well, funny thing is he finally opened his eyes and finally looked at me, he finally saw that I easily look 10 years younger than my age and finally realized that I carried myself well enough and pretty enough to attract men. He had taken me for granted for so long in our marriage. He's now very afraid of losing me because he knows I can easily have an A if I choose to.

What do I think of my H? I love him very much but I still feel the anger from time to time. Did you notice I said I didn't have an A because I didn't want to hurt the OM? But what about my H? I believe he deserves to be hurt if I choose to have an A. He hurted me in so many ways that I prefer not to write about it here. I still haven't worn my wedding rings since the day I found out, and when I think about our wedding vows, I scornfully think it's a good laugh.

I know so many others say you loose the old H but you gain a new one, a much better improved one. It's true but I can't forget the bitterness, the hurt...... perhaps I'm too simple minded.

I've tried counselling with 2 different counsellors but it didn't help. I read so many good advices here but it didn't help to reduce the bitterness, the hurt, the pain. Perhaps you can read between the lines, I still have the anger, it's gone down a bit but it's still there. I'm going to a third one soon, a man, to get a man's perspective. I've enrolled into the anger management class the coming month, I hope it will help.

So now, many months after I asked that burning question. YES, I still want so much to have an A of my own, love and everything.......if only I can bring myself to do it ......


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## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Thankyou for sharing, I was was wondering how you felt and whether you went through with it or not. Although I am in two minds about all this at the moment- you did what I want to do. I think not cheating was safer and smarter and although you are curious about what it would have been like- you still you are not racked with a guilt and regret and you still have managed to hold on to your marriage which is good.



stupidme said:


> To this day, none of our kids knew a thing of this A because I don't want it to affect them in any way, I still want their world to be this rosy looking glass, I don't want them to look at their father in a lesser way.


I agree 100%. Some people have suggested by doing this I am keeping my H from his consequences. Im with you- I want to nurture the relationship he has with his kids and I dont want them growing up with that in their minds, I dont want them to have this define our marriage.



stupidme said:


> To this day, I still want to experience love making from another man. I don't want just an A, I want to feel everything my H went through, love and lust but I could not do it because I don't want to hurt the other person, because I know I will not leave my marriage, I can't bring myself to experience the love of another man, as much as I want to experience it.


I can relate to this. I want to experience the lust/desire and thats why I have picked someone who I cant hurt- but will most likely hurt me. I realise I can never have the love though. Someone told me, dont do it you are never going to be able to experience what he did.... what he had grew over months and weeks from attraction... to lust/love. I agree with that- this type A, you have all the consequences without actually reaping the emotional benefits. 



stupidme said:


> To prove that I too, am attractive, I try to become a little bit less shy and try to make eye contacts with the people I interact with (even now, it's a great effort for me to do this because I'm an extremely shy person), and men started flirting with me when I do errands around town by myself, and they do give me second looks when I'm with my H as well.


My husband knows Im attractive, and is scared of me having an A. But no matter what- we cant have that level of lust we once had at the start of our marriage that he craves, and that he experienced in his A.

Ive stopped seeking it from him. I go to a fitness centre and get a lot of attention there. Its so shallow, but i enjoy being desired... 




stupidme said:


> I still haven't worn my wedding rings since the day I found out,


me too. I cant bring myself to put it on. everytiime I look at it- it reminds me of the way he never used to wear his- he said he doesnt like to sleep with it on and always forgot to wear it in the morning. I know now, that was just an excuse- I cant believe how stupid I was to believe that.


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