# Reconciliation Challanges



## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

Update....Forgive the long post

Currently my wife & I are currently separated (9 weeks +). While the dust has seemed to settle in regards to our discourse and we are living in our own place, it seems we are settling into a place I'm not comfortable with. Due to unresolved problems that has existed in our marriage, I made a bad decision to seek a resolution (EA),outside our marriage. Of course, I am no longer involved with the OW. We do manage to communicate about non-relational topics without too much drama or no drama at all. Occasional we meet up for lunch, but she makes it clear to me that its not date and we pay for our own meals. We just returned from a Paris trip we took together as a family and we both agree it was a happy trip. She's also open to going on other trips together. 


Lately, I've been trying to get her to open up to her feelings about reconciling , but each time I attempt to get her to discuss it with me, she refuses to talk about it. I've notice in a couple of our conversation about future plans, she talks about buying a house for "herself and our son" and all her plans moving forward are concentrated on that. She claims that reconciliation is not something she thinking about at this moment because she does not know whether we are going to be together or not. When I ask her where do I fit into her future, she's mummed to discuss it. Of course, I starting to see RED flags and it appears I should be changing my approach to our reconciliation. 


One would say I should be pulling the bulk of the weight trying to salvage my marriage since I had the EA, in such case I have been doing that. I have shouldered my responsibility for my past indiscretion and the contributions to our marital problems and she also acknowledges her contribution to our marital problems. But I'm getting mixed messages about her true intent. She doesn't want to divorce (she claims she does not know what she wants), but at the same time, it doesn't appear she taking steps to improve our situation. She does accept some of my affection and gestures, but does not reciprocate any affection in return. This one sided relationship is what made me feel emotionally neglected and I found myself open to accepting OW's attention.


I have learned to openly communicate to my wife about my needs for her attention, but she doesn't seem to make any real effort to do anything about it. Frankly, when I talk to her about it, she get stern with me and tells me to respect her boundaries about discussing our relationship. When she talks like that, I'm befuddled and I begin to ask myself why am I trying if she's not willing to put in any effort herself? It makes no sense to me to be separated for 3-6 months or more trying to reconcile with no real effort to moving forward to reconciling. Being separated that long, one can easy fall into that mindset of living a separate life and never returning.


So far I have been trying to be patience, but my patience is being tested. I know I won't make the mistake of looking outside my marriage to solve my problems, but I do want to move forward in my life; whether its with her or someone else. I want to be married to my wife, but I also want more from my her if we are going to truly reconcile. Am I wrong to think this way. I don't think I should feel selfish in the way I feel because I don't think I'm asking much from her. I'm not asking for us to move back in together now, but to start taking steps moving forward for our future; if we are going to have a future.


What do you guys think?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

av8 it really sounds like you just want her to get over it quickly. BS needs some time to sort out how she is feeling. I am almost certain that her friends and family are telling her that the A was a PA, that once a man cheats he will do it again, etc. While you indicate that you both contributed to problems in the M, quite frankly you were the one who broke the barriers set by your wedding vows, and she is having trouble getting over that.

Did you come clean on everything that you did, thought, felt? Or did you minimize the damage out of fear of losing her forever? She is looking for complete honesty now in order to rebuild trust, even if she doesn't agree with it. Are you in IC/MC? And continue the heavy lifting my friend. You can come back from this, believe me, I know:grin2:.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, after owning your own part and if the relationship does not work, and either side has the right to end it, you move on and use the experience you have gained to make the next relationship better. Even though it is a marriage and there are expectations that one has, nonetheless, relationships do end.

Keep detaching from her, and stop with the relationship talks, pressuring the situation will get you nowhere.

If she comes around before you are fully detached and moved on, then it is at that point you will decide if you truly want to or not.

I am not sure how recent your EA was, but infidelity and other issues could take a long time for that emotional pain to dissipate.

You have at least gained valuable relationship skills.


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## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I am not sure how recent your EA was, but infidelity and other issues could take a long time for that emotional pain to dissipate.


Over a year ago. In her eyes, I'm sure it would seem like it happened yesterday. She's does say she feels pressured, but how does a person not know what they want or don't want??? It seems there are really only two choices to make here. You either want to take steps to reconcile or you decide to move on. Why would anyone choose to live a life in limbo. I hate every minute of it. It truly puts your life on hold preventing oneself from making important decision that can have an major impact on the family. I'm starting to feel she wants to put the burden on me to end it so she can remain blameless.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

av8tordude said:


> Over a year ago. In her eyes, I'm sure it would seem like it happened yesterday. She's does say she feels pressured, but how does a person not know what they want or don't want??? It seems there are really only two choices to make here. You either want to take steps to reconcile or you decide to move on. Why would anyone choose to live a life in limbo. I hate every minute of it. It truly puts your life on hold preventing oneself from making important decision that can have an major impact on the family. I'm starting to feel she wants to put the burden on me to end it so she can remain blameless.



Risks. You are now linked emotionally to a lot of pain, and she knows that you are capable of having an affair on her. On one hand, she loves you, and on the other hand, she may be afraid to let you hurt her again. If your wife slept with your friend, would it be easy to figure out if you can take that risk of that from occuring again? People learn from pain and try to avoid it. Negative experiences are more powerful than positive ones, so it may take more positives ones for her to trust again. She wants to avoid pain, which she associates with you, and yet her love for you draws her to you. It is conflicting.


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## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Risks. You are now linked emotionally to a lot of pain, and she knows that you are capable of having an affair on her. On one hand, she loves you, and on the other hand, she may be afraid to let you hurt her again. If your wife slept with your friend, would it be easy to figure out if you can take that risk of that from occuring again? People learn from pain and try to avoid it. Negative experiences are more powerful than positive ones, so it may take more positives ones for her to trust again. She wants to avoid pain, which she associates with you, and yet her love for you draws her to you. It is conflicting.


Is my wife seeking your counsel??? She has told me everything you have written...lol. I do feel the only way I can deal with this separation is to start detaching from her so I can have peace in my mind and heart. But that may lead to the demise of our marriage.


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## moreofthesame (Jul 23, 2015)

av8tordude said:


> Over a year ago. In her eyes, I'm sure it would seem like it happened yesterday. She's does say she feels pressured, but how does a person not know what they want or don't want??? It seems there are really only two choices to make here. You either want to take steps to reconcile or you decide to move on. Why would anyone choose to live a life in limbo. I hate every minute of it. It truly puts your life on hold preventing oneself from making important decision that can have an major impact on the family. I'm starting to feel she wants to put the burden on me to end it so she can remain blameless.


I feel your pain, brother. Due to different circumstances I'm in a similar situation to yours. Her process started at the end of June though. Since then she has changed her mind so many times about our marriage that is hard to keep up with it any more.

I know I hurt her, I know I did things I should have not done, but at the same time... she left our house 5 days ago. I don't think I can do this for more than a couple months. But I see it the same way you do. Although I also think of my wife's perspective and how hurt she is, confused, and in pain.

It is hard to let go of people you love that have hurt you so much.

But at some point, I believe, it is up to you to be patient or just capitulate on your own, find a lawyer and file for divorce, or put and end to things in a way that'd be as friendly as possible.

Good luck.


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## av8tordude (Jun 23, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> av8 it really sounds like you just want her to get over it quickly.
> 
> Did you come clean on everything that you did, thought, felt? Or did you minimize the damage out of fear of losing her forever? She is looking for complete honesty now in order to rebuild trust, even if she doesn't agree with it. Are you in IC/MC? And continue the heavy lifting my friend. You can come back from this, believe me, I know:grin2:.


I'm not asking her to get disregard her feelings. Of course, she has told me the same thing and my response has always been that it is not my place to decide how she should feel. Trust is the foundation of our marriage and it has been broken. I don't expect to have her trust anytime soon. I have completely accepted that fact! All I ask was a clear sense of direction where we are headed. That's all.

As for details of the EA. She knows every minuet detail of the EA. It never reach to a PA, although had it went long enough, the possibility it would have and she knows that too. I spared no details, although it made me sick to my stomach seeing the pain I cause her while she sat there in front of me with tears in her eyes. Having to explain my actions of the EA, in detail, cements the notion that I will NEVER do that again! I will communicate my concerns and if things don't improve, end our marriage amicably while keeping my dignity and self respect.

I am in IC and my sessions have help me understand tremendously about myself. We are not in MC because my wife doesn't believe in telling her "business" to strangers. But my IC does indirectly help us, whether she knows it or not. Just wish she would be open to attend it together. I think we could truly benefit from it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

av8tordude said:


> Is my wife seeking your counsel??? She has told me everything you have written...lol. I do feel the only way I can deal with this separation is to start detaching from her so I can have peace in my mind and heart. But that may lead to the demise of our marriage.



It may and it might not. That will be up to the two of you as you figure things out.

The same goes for you also. You are afraid of being rejected, and yet you are drawn to her as well. Even there is a point where someone will wait for a certain period of time. After a while, you will stop trying and detach or emotionally wall off to her.

The thing you should be focused on is you and if she learns to love the newer you, she may be willing to take a risk again. You are an investment, and if you show stability, she might invest herself again. Investers like when a company expands, improve their over all company. Also, investers like it when companies are stable and show growth as well.

Darn, I just recently study stocks and investments, so my mind is primed towards it at the moment.

The point is, keep making positive changes, and whether your marriage lasts or not, you will be successful later on. It may not be with your current partner, but gaining the skills to make a relationship fulfilling can be transferred to another relationship.


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