# Deception or Truth?



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

You can read my original posts from over a year ago for more background, but in short, my wife has had romantic feelings for her boss for almost two years. I truly believe these feelings are one sided, and no actions have ever been taken on these feelings. Heck, I don't even think her boss realized the feelings that were there, so I have no reason to believe this was anything but a one sided crush. We have been married for almost 4 years and been seeing a therapist for many months to address the issue, but don't seem to be getting anywhere for the reasons noted below.

The issue is, I discovered these feelings by reading her journal (which I acknowledge was a huge mistake and breach of trust). My wife is a very private person and felt that she did not need to tell me about the feelings she was having for another person. I personally disagree and took measures into my own hands, which I wish I could take back every day. However, that does not change the fact that she was keeping this secret from me, even after being asked about it by me. 

Over this two year period, my wife continued to tell me that I have nothing to worry about; however, what she writes in her journal almost always contradicts what she tells me in person. What am I supposed to believe, my wife's personal thoughts and raw emotions that she thinks I will never know, or what she tells me? I feel like I am constantly being lied to, but I also trust what she tells me. Its a conundrum. 

Lastly, her boss is finally leaving the office, and I found out his departure has left her "heartbroken" and feeling like a void has been left in her life (via her journal). I can acknowledge that her boss was a good friend as well, but is it odd to feel "heartbroken" when someone who you have romantic feeling for. I have never felt this way about a coworker, and I do not feel this align with her statements of "you have nothing to worry about." 

I feel that she let her feelings for him develop over the period of two year and did nothing to prevent them of protect our marriage. If it was me, I think I would have handled the situation very differently and proactively distanced myself from the situation. Is this unreasonable for me to think? I can forgive my wife for falling for another man as we are all human and life is not linear; however, I cannot forgive her for lying to me about it. I would really appreciate your thoughts on the matter!

Thanks in advance.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TheDude135 said:


> Over this two year period, my wife continued to tell me that I have nothing to worry about; however, what she writes in her journal almost always contradicts what she tells me in person. *What am I supposed to believe, my wife's personal thoughts and raw emotions that she thinks I will never know,* or what she tells me? I feel like I am constantly being lied to, but I also trust what she tells me. Its a conundrum.
> 
> Thanks in advance.


Either she's lying to herself or she's lying to you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Since you can’t trust her, why are you staying married to her? She obviously doesn’t love you. What does she say about you in her journal?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Unrepentant deception on her part seems to be foremostly at work here!

If she won't change, then what's to keep her from deceiving you further? As is, she is anything but faithful to you!

Actions do speak so much louder than words!*


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

here is the big question which i suspect you will not engage but does have some merits, would she feel equally heartbroken if you ended the marriage...i think you are more invested in this marriage than she is and that is not a very good position to be in...if i were you i would start to distant myself from her if only to work on yourself and watch to see if she seeks to attach herself to you...if she doesn't you have your answer...she will mostly attach herself to someone else. Sooner or later you will have to cut your loses


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Do you have children?

Sorry man, but she's into fairy tale dude, not you.
So what are you going to do about it?


----------



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Either she's lying to herself or she's lying to you.


I have asked myself the same question before. According to her, she uses her journal to process raw emotions and what she tells me is the outcome of that effort. I do believe this to be true, but have concerns these raw emotions continue to flare and seem not to fade.


----------



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

I have asked myself the same question. What I am told is that she uses her journal to process raw emotions and what she tells me is the outcome of that effort. I do believe this to be fact, but what is concerning is there raw emotions continue to occur and not fade away.


----------



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> Since you can’t trust her, why are you staying married to her? She obviously doesn’t love you. What does she say about you in her journal?


She has many positives about me in her journal too. I would be wrong is saying we have a perfect marriage, but I do know she really wants to make this work and has a deep love for me. Her journal confirms this. Can you be in "love" with more than one person at a time? For me, the answer is no, but I assume others may feel differently.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At only 4 years into a marriage and she is in love with another? She's not marriage material 

You are delusional and trying to justify her to keep from having to make a decision.

It won't be long before she finds another. What if the next one wants to consummate a relationship. If her current boss had wanted to?

Better drop the rope on this one if you're smart.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TheDude135 said:


> You can read my original posts from over a year ago for more background, but in short, my wife has had romantic feelings for her boss for almost two years. I truly believe these feelings are one sided, and no actions have ever been taken on these feelings. Heck, I don't even think her boss realized the feelings that were there, so I have no reason to believe this was anything but a one sided crush. We have been married for almost 4 years and been seeing a therapist for many months to address the issue, but don't seem to be getting anywhere for the reasons noted below.
> 
> *The issue is, I discovered these feelings by reading her journal (which I acknowledge was a huge mistake and breach of trust). My wife is a very private person and felt that she did not need to tell me about the feelings she was having for another person. I personally disagree and took measures into my own hands, which I wish I could take back every day. However, that does not change the fact that she was keeping this secret from me, even after being asked about it by me. *
> 
> ...



Why is this so called early marriage worth it? It seems like you're the one doing all the worrying and putting the effort in while she continues on her merry way.

The life of a doormat is hard and will get much harder.


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She is living in a fairy tale and is devastated he is now gone. Way too much focus on someone other than your spouse.

Are you sure they didn't sleep together? Well she would've told me or wrote it in her journal... LMFAO....

No she wouldn't have. She is hiding emotions from you.... that's one of the best ways to kill a M.

How does she act when you explain to her how it upsets you? You are allowing this to happen...

You should sit her down and say -him or me, pick one, if you can't I will make decision for you-

But now he's leaving....or is he? How do you know? Two years of this? Oh hells no.....

You have no kids.... WALK.... away now. She obviously is not ready for an adult relationship.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, tricky one, I do channel my thoughts here on this forum, kinda like my journal. I would be pissed if anyone read my posts without my consent. Some of my thoughts are quite dark, but it's also how I process them. I understand what she means. Still, at the same time, her focus is not on you or your marriage. Like ok, can understand "I have a crush, but I love my husband so much, I need to fix things", but not "I have a crush, he's everything my husband is not, I feel trapped" etc etc.

Like Chapparal said:



Chaparral said:


> Since you can’t trust her, why are you staying married to her? She obviously doesn’t love you. *What does she say about you in her journal?*


I'm also curious.

Another big thing is the fact that she can lie to your face. That's a big no no. Regardless of what you did, that's a serious breach of trust.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I haven't read your other post and don't know anything about your situation, but it can be dangerous to draw conclusions about people based on their private journal entries. She might be telling the truth that this was a way to process her emotions and she had no intention of acting on them. In fact, you said this worked so well for her that she was able to contain these emotions to the point that the other man was never even aware of them. That's better than most. Her having these feelings is not unusual. Many, many people have similar feelings but their spouses just don't know about them because they never read about them in a private journal. Perhaps your wife was just being more honest and self-aware than most people about her feelings. 

You say she did nothing to prevent these feelings and protect your marriage, but couldn't her journaling have been doing just that? Again, you say these feelings didn't manifest into reality at all in two years. That seems like her method was pretty effective. I do agree it would've been better to distance herself from the man also. 

Just imagine if all of your private thoughts and fantasies were transcribed onto paper for your wife to read. Do you think you would be in a position to judge? I imagine you would have some explaining to do, and you would be explaining it in the same way she is.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

as a proven liar.....I would believe whats in her journal MORE than whats coming out of her mouth.

unless

she knows now you are looking at it and writing things she wants you to read.

let me ask you...what would HER reaction be if she caught you chatting and crushing on a woman?


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, you can't compete with a fairy tale.
Why would you even attempt to?

If it was me, I would have filed and let her go, not even saying a word. She would probably be happier and I'm pretty certain you would by not having to look over your shoulder all the time.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> At only 4 years into a marriage and she is in love with another? She's not marriage material


Marc is right. Even more, her unrequited love for her boss has spanned exactly HALF the length of your marriage.

HALF of your marriage.

And the idiocy continues to this day.

I'll just say, good luck with that.


----------



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

This is the exact response she gives me and I do believe it. The trouble is that these thoughts have been going on for almost 2 years. I thought at some point they would fade, but it appears not to be the case. That said, I realize there are other issues going on we need to work on, although she is too busy focusing on a fantasy I could never compete with.

Thank you for the thoughtful insight.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems that your wife is simply not attracted to you and it may be that she has never been (only you can confirm that or not). As a result, sex is bound to be painful - she will dry up, tighten up etc (has she ever orgasmed during PIV sex with you?).


Also, she directs her attention to potential partners that she is attracted to. Now, the reason she is not attracted to you could be because she focuses on other men OR it could be that she focuses on other men because she is not attracted to you. You need to find out which is the case.


She has already told you that she is not attracted to you. All the other baloney about loving you deeply is just white noise and is confusing the real message you should be getting. It seems to me that she is very clear and communicative on that point.

If you accept that it is the truth (which it sounds like it is), then its a question of why she is not attracted to you and could this be fixed. While she is not attracted to you there are always going to be other men that she is attracted to - heck its difficult enough when women meet men they are attracted to even while being attracted to their husband. As for questioning whether she can be in love with two men at the same time, it is quite possible (as others have pointed out) that she knows you read her journal and it is there for your benefit as are all the positives about you.

Has she always not been attracted to you (in other words, has sex always been a problem)?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd end the marriage. As someone already said, she's been in love with someone else for half of the marriage! You don't have kids.

These ongoing feelings for someone else are not anything I would or could tolerate.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TheDude135 said:


> I have asked myself the same question before. According to her, she uses her journal to process raw emotions and what she tells me is the outcome of that effort. I do believe this to be true, but have concerns these raw emotions continue to flare and seem not to fade.


Can you compete with those raw emotions out in the real world?

Look at your sex life objectively. Whom does it seem she really wants?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The dude, its hard to have a marriage when its this crowded.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm sorry. She is feeding these feelings every time she writes about them in her journal. She can stop this crush. You just...STOP. Redirect your thoughts. Put your energy into the marriage.

This is an issue because she is milking it.

She needs to make a choice, like yesterday!


----------



## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You admit to having other issues..... which is good. Every couple has them. It's how the couple works on

them that defines how solid a M they have. Until the end... of the 15 years I was with my XW.... she had

my back. That is a non-negotiable if I am in any form of a LTR. It should be that for anyone.

But your W does not have your back. How in the world can you have sex with her knowing she is

thinking of that guy? Who knows.... maybe your other issues would not be so bad if it wasn't for her fantasy.

I'd guess about all your issues have some / a lot to do with her "dreamboat."

As another poster said.... she is milking this all the way. She has gotten you used to getting crumbs from her....

and you accept it. That is the true definition of a doormat. And I promise you.... it will not get better.

It will get much worse. You will be a miserable soul. Saying your W is an emotional vampire, is an

understatement. Again.... how certain are you that she never slept with him? Maybe a "going away" gift?

How do you know she won't latch onto another feller at the office now that her dreamboat has left?

No kids.... you're young.... WALK AWAY....


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> I'd guess about all your issues have some / a lot to do with her "dreamboat."


Some places call it the contrast effect, and it is very damaging to a marriage. No one can compete with a fantasy. She need to knock it off.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TheDude135 said:


> This is the exact response she gives me and I do believe it. The trouble is that these thoughts have been going on for almost 2 years. I thought at some point they would fade, but it appears not to be the case. That said, I realize there are other issues going on we need to work on, although she is too busy *focusing on a fantasy* I could never compete with.


You can not compete with the land of unicorns farting rainbows and what could be or could have been or maybe down the road or or or or or or...........

Have you considered marriage counseling? Have you read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?


----------



## TheDude135 (Jan 20, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Marc is right. Even more, her unrequited love for her boss has spanned exactly HALF the length of your marriage.
> 
> HALF of your marriage.
> 
> ...


Let me share one more piece of info to consider. Her mother passed away last summer after a couple year battle with cancer. It was an impossible time for her, and as she put it, the crush developed during her mothers illness as she was questioning if she was doing the right thing with her life (e.g., relationships, career, etc.). She (and a counselor we spoke to) thought the crush was a normal response/coping mechanism to a very stressful situation. My wife tells me the crush probably would have faded if I did not push the issue so much, so maybe its me who is to blame for the length. I can understand how the death of a parent can really shake you to the core and make you question you path in life. Thoughts?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is gaslighting at its finest and you are so deluded that you believe it. She couldn’t let her crush go because you found out about him. What a lot of crap. 
The fact that she sought comfort from her imaginary lover rather than her husband when she was mourning her Mom should tell you where you stand in her mind.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

TheDude135 said:


> Let me share one more piece of info to consider. Her mother passed away last summer after a couple year battle with cancer. It was an impossible time for her, and as she put it, the crush developed during her mothers illness as she was questioning if she was doing the right thing with her life (e.g., relationships, career, etc.). She (and a counselor we spoke to) thought the crush was a normal response/coping mechanism to a very stressful situation. My wife tells me the crush probably would have faded if I did not push the issue so much, so maybe its me who is to blame for the length. I can understand how the death of a parent can really shake you to the core and make you question you path in life. Thoughts?



"Honey, i know i have secretly been having an affair with my boss in my mind, as i work out the sickness and passing of my mother, and the fantasy would have just worked itself through if you just let me have my thoughts, words to myself, but know you had to drag his good name and my impeccable reputation for honesty and sincerity, and don't forget openness" Can you just be happy i come home every night to you?"

OP, i am sorry if i am being sarcastic, but honestly when is enough enough, when does it stop hurting and when are you going to get angry enough to give her, her walking papers.....you realize that half your marriage has been spent on him in your life. how many times when you were making love to her she was thinking of him....someday you really have to ask yourself who matters here, because apparently you don't in her mind.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Fifteen months ago a poster on tam asked you why you were afraid to tell your wife that there was only room for one man in your marriage.Your answer was you didn’t want to jump to any conclusions without proof.
Have you enough proof yet?
At that stage she was crushing on two men.What happened to the old school friend that she actually met at a reunion,did that fizzle out?.
You found out about her crushes by reading her journal and months later she still hadn’t forgiven you.
You have a wife who can’t or won’t sleep with you.Has it ever occurred to you that she won’t sleep with you because it would be cheating on her true love.
And for what it’s worth I don’t believe that nothing ever physical occurred with them,you yourself have said they traveled together many times for days at a time.
Emotional affair +proximity =physical affair.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Why is everyone ***** footing around...*

Why is everyone ***** footing around... when OP need a 2 x 4 to the head. 

I will make this short. Your wife has been having a physical affair for 1/2 of your marriage. You have been a fool the entire time. She is in love with someone and it is not you. Adults in "love" in close proximity have sex. Get it. 

You need to file for divorce without telling her and let her be served at work. 

Then you need to pack her stuff and her journal in a suit case and leave it on the front porch. 

Get it. And then you need to get that 2 x 4 and beat yourself about the head and neck for being such a foolish weak man. 

After you wake up, find a woman that love YOU. Find a woman that thinks you are IT. Because brother, she does not feel that way about you.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDude135 said:


> Let me share one more piece of info to consider. Her mother passed away last summer after a couple year battle with cancer. It was an impossible time for her, and as she put it, the crush developed during her mothers illness as she was questioning if she was doing the right thing with her life (e.g., relationships, career, etc.). She (and a counselor we spoke to) thought the crush was a normal response/coping mechanism to a very stressful situation. My wife tells me the crush probably would have faded if I did not push the issue so much, so maybe its me who is to blame for the length. I can understand how the death of a parent can really shake you to the core and make you question you path in life. Thoughts?



No no no no no. I am actually insulted on her mother's behalf that she would use her illness and death as some romantic crisis that justifies this obsession. And if she IS hanging onto the crush because "you pushed too hard," that just means she is pig-headed and spiteful.

She's wallowing in this as if she is a character in The Bridges of ******* County.

I say burn the bridge, metaphorically.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TheDude135 said:


> Let me share one more piece of info to consider. Her mother passed away last summer after a couple year battle with cancer. It was an impossible time for her, and as she put it, the crush developed during her mothers illness as she was questioning if she was doing the right thing with her life (e.g., relationships, career, etc.). She (and a counselor we spoke to) thought the crush was a normal response/coping mechanism to a very stressful situation. My wife tells me the crush probably would have faded if I did not push the issue so much, so maybe its me who is to blame for the length. I can understand how the death of a parent can really shake you to the core and make you question you path in life. Thoughts?


That's hogwash if she values you as her H. Especially the second part "it would have gone away if YOU didn't push it". Simple deflection, now she wants you to believe it's your fault.

Every sane H would hit the roof on this. It's hard changing in an established marriage, and easier to say than do all here I'm pretty sure know but even that said, time to be more emphatic on this stopping this in your life or it will continue to eat at you as it should. It's hard, no denying it. Good luck.


----------

