# Ashamed to be married



## alltheprettyflowers (Jul 24, 2015)

I got married 2 months ago.
He treats me well, everything is fine. I just felt much more comfortable when we were dating. 

Im experiencing lots of shame and embarrassment when it comes to both of our families viewing us as sexual beings. I dont want anyone to be getting perverted thoughts. His mother actually mentioned children, and I was ready to throw up in her face from sheer disgust. I feel ashamed to visit family, ashamed to stay the night in the guest bedroom.
I wasnt a virgin prior to marriage, yet I felt more comfortable about sex when dating.

Im not having sex with my husband because im utterly embarrassed.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

You think that's fair thing for your husband. Why didn't you speak up. Now because whatever issues you have. Now your Husband's is suffering a sexless marriage. So it sounds like you want this marriage to end. I think it be a good idea that you talk with your husband about this and that both you seek out some marriage counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In all probability, your families knew you were having sex before you were married. They expect you to have sex because that is what married people do. Why would they think perverted thoughts about you? Do you think perverted thoughts about them?

Honestly, people have enough problems in their own lives to even be thinking about your sex life. If you love your husband, you need to get over this as quick as you can. Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're ashamed that you had sex before marriage but you're not ashamed that although you agreed to be a wife you're refusing to have sex with your husband? You're purporting to be something that you aren't? It is natural for an adult human to have sexual desires. That's what keeps our species in existence. What isn't natural, desirable, or honorable is to accept a position and then not fulfill the role which you accepted. Authentically be who you are, whatever that is. If you wish to be sexless that is your right but it isn't your right to drag someone else into a sexless existence. If you want to be single, get the legal work out of the way and be single. If you claim to be married, then act married.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Everyone has the absolute right to be as sexy or even as sexless as their heart desires to be! There is absolutely no question about that! And if, perchance, you choose the "sexy route," then you have the very same right to stay quiet about any and all sexual activity that you are engaged in with your spouse!

But when you enter into a marriage contract, the reasonable expectation is that the both of you did so because there was enough mutual attraction that you both derived the "hots" for each other! Having said that, wouldn't it be a normal and natural phenomenon to let your spouse be able to see and to touch you in an unclad state, hopefully leading to a mutual desire for sex with each other!

If you do not desire sex, then why on earth would you want the person that you pledged your undying love and fidelity for, to become asexual to satisfy your own selfish whims and to make them as miserable or even more so than you are? That is nothing more than textbook "selfishness!"

Either develop a more mature state of attitude and seek out MC in order to right this ship, or let them go to find the love interest that they have so longingly desired!

It is preemptively their life that you're talking about, and certainly not as much about yours ~ after all, that is what romantic love for another human being is really all about!

In your heart, their life and welfare should matter much more than yours! And in their heart, the feeling should be mutual!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you and your husband?

Knowing what culture you live in would help a lot. Where do you live? if you do not want to reveal the country, at least the basic area of the world would help.

I have a question for you. How many hours a day do you spend thinking about the sex that other married people you know are having? I'll bet the answer is zero. So why do you think that other people are thinking about the sex that you and your husband might be having?

Sex is a normal part of adult life. Your MIL asking about children is not a question about sex. It's a question about a baby. That her question makes you want to throw up on her is not good at all. It shows a non-healthy mind set on your part. I really think that you would benefit from counseling... individual counseling to see why you are ok with premarital sex but think that marital sex is dirty.

By refusing your husband sex, you are hurting him beyond belief. If you cannot fix the problem in your head, the only reasonable thing for you to do is to divorce him and let him find a woman who does not treat him this way. You are being grossly emotionally abusive. Either fix this problem in your head or set him free to find someone who does not have this distorted view of sex in marriage.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

You'll get lots of log, well thought out, responses to your post. Let me cut to the chase :

Grow UP ! Adults have sex. ALL people know you have sex. You ain't special. Get over yourself !

and you weren't a virgin before sex so please give me a break.

BTW, refusing sex right at the beginning of a marriage like this is grounds for anullment IMO. And if I was your husband I would be considering it.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Your head is seriously screwed up, you really need professional help.


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

OP, in one of your other posts on this site you expressed a strong aversion to having children. Was your 'disgust' in response to his mother's comment more a reaction to the concept of pregnancy than the idea of being perceived as a sexual being? 

Elsewhere you've also said something along the lines that there's no point in having sex once you've produced children, as that's the sole point of it. I wonder if childbirth and sex are so enmeshed in your mind that your distaste for one is affecting your view of the other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP, have you had other mental issues in the past? it sounds like you are suffering from a form of social anxiety or possibly a phobia. Anxiety and phobia can be treated but you are going to need professional help for it to be successful.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> I got married 2 months ago.
> He treats me well, everything is fine. I just felt much more comfortable when we were dating.
> 
> Im experiencing lots of shame and embarrassment when it comes to both of our families viewing us as sexual beings. I dont want anyone to be getting perverted thoughts. His mother actually mentioned children, and I was ready to throw up in her face from sheer disgust. I feel ashamed to visit family, ashamed to stay the night in the guest bedroom.
> ...


His mother is not spending her free time imagining you having sex, lol. If anything, she's imagining holding a grandchild in her arms.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Divorce your husband and let him find someone suitable for him.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> I feel ashamed to visit family, ashamed to stay the night in the guest bedroom.
> I wasnt a virgin prior to marriage, yet I felt more comfortable about sex when dating.





primavera said:


> OP, in one of your other posts on this site you expressed a strong aversion to having children. Was your 'disgust' in response to his mother's comment more a reaction to the concept of pregnancy than the idea of being perceived as a sexual being?
> 
> Elsewhere you've also said something along the lines that there's no point in having sex once you've produced children, as that's the sole point of it.


If you had sex with your husband while you were dating but also believe that the only purpose of sex is for procreation then you intentionally mislead him through the engagement.

You have every right to not want children, my W never wanted children, but I hope you made that very clear to him before you got married.

I'll join in with everyone else here, you need to find yourself some professional help and tell your husband that you are doing so. If the two of you had sex before marriage and are not doing any longer his resentment is probably building rapidly.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Yes get help, just wow on the fact that before marriage sex was fine and now the you are married you are ashamed. I just don't understand this at all, it's not like they want to watch or anything, sex is a normal behavior for a married couple. I feel for your hubby.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> No, I tried serious relationships. Scared of marriage. Scared of getting bored. Scared of craving others after becoming bored.


And in 5 short months here we are. I'm speechless. Stunned. How did you end up committed?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

We are all sexual beings. Old, young, straight, gay, male, female, black, white and every shade. It sounds as if you really need counseling to see that sex is a part of life just like breathing is. You were a woman before a wife but you are still a woman! You need to learn to embrace your sexuality for the sake of your marriage. It's true everyone is NOT thinking and whispering *oooh now we KNOW she had/is having sex!* They aren't. But maybe it would do you some good to look around at all of the people who embrace their sexuality. You don't have to be overtly sexual like Madonna (the pop star) - you can be more of a classy Sophia Loren. Own it. It's not shameful, it's empowering! But I think you need help to change your views on this.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Let me expand on that after checking out your other posts which consist of thinking 90% of humans are a-holes, you fear boring monogamous sex, you comment on someone's thread that sex is for making babies and on another post you refer to your girly parts as a c*nt. Wow are you hot/cold! 

You are going to screw up your marriage if you don't get help. Maybe your husband should join you. You want it to remain hot but now you won't even have sex because you think it's at the forefront of relative's minds. On one hand, sex is only for procreation but it has to be HOT procreation complete with the most crass of words for your vulva/vagina.

People are mostly good. Some are a bit wishy-washy but most aren't bad or evil or out to take advantage of others. You are highly cynical with a push/pull approach to sex which means your fear of boring monogamy can very well result in a self-fulfilling prophecy of a failed marriage. Please get help to realize everything isn't black and white. Sex isn't awful or the be-all. Neither are people or marriage. You usually get out what you put into these things.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Did you often witness, hear or think of your parents having sex when you were a kid?


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## alltheprettyflowers (Jul 24, 2015)

People normally tend to have issues. At least im not a sex addict. Things can be much, much worse. 
My husband is complacent about not having sex, he isnt the "f**k everything in sight" type of person. I would not have married him otherwise. He isnt forcing me to have sex. His whole existence doesnt depend on the need for his penis to be penetrating my every orifice. He is a big boy, he can take care of those matters on his own time. Some of the commentators need to calm down. It is ok, everything is ok. 
As for everything that has been quoted of me mentioning in the past, it is all accurate. Yes, I still hate kids, I still am cynical on a daily basis (it keeps me safe), I still doubt relationships. Getting married didn't relieve me of my boredom, but neither did it create conflict. Its ok to be "in between" when it comes to feelings. I sense so much stress from some of the replies, not sure why.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> People normally tend to have issues. At least im not a sex addict. Things can be much, much worse.
> 
> My husband is complacent about not having sex, he isnt the "f**k everything in sight" type of person. I would not have married him otherwise. He isnt forcing me to have sex. His whole existence doesnt depend on the need for his penis to be penetrating my every orifice. He is a big boy, he can take care of those matters on his own time. Some of the commentators need to calm down. It is ok, everything is ok.
> 
> As for everything that has been quoted of me mentioning in the past, it is all accurate. Yes, I still hate kids, I still am cynical on a daily basis (it keeps me safe), I still doubt relationships. Getting married didn't relieve me of my boredom, but neither did it create conflict. Its ok to be "in between" when it comes to feelings. I sense so much stress from some of the replies, not sure why.


If everything is ok, then why did you bother to post here? Makes no sense.

Don't ask for advice/input from people and then attack/insult them.


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## alltheprettyflowers (Jul 24, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If everything is ok, then why did you bother to post here? Makes no sense.
> 
> Don't ask for advice/input from people and then attack/insult them.



Wasnt attacking anyone.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> My husband is complacent about not having sex, he isnt the "f**k everything in sight" type of person. I would not have married him otherwise. He isnt forcing me to have sex. His whole existence doesnt depend on the need for his penis to be penetrating my every orifice. He is a big boy, he can take care of those matters on his own time. Some of the commentators need to calm down. It is ok, everything is ok.


He doesn't need to be the "f**k everything in sight" to want, and expect, a close and healthy sex life in marriage. That is the normal expectation. 

As for the "take care of those matter in his own time". With that attitude you may find that your shame in being married isn't a problem for too much longer. That is a horrible attitude to take towards the person with whom you vowed yourselves to each other just a few months ago.


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## alltheprettyflowers (Jul 24, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> He doesn't need to be the "f**k everything in sight" to want, and expect, a close and healthy sex life in marriage. That is the normal expectation.
> 
> As for the "take care of those matter in his own time". With that attitude you may find that your shame in being married isn't a problem for too much longer. That is a horrible attitude to take towards the person with whom you vowed yourselves to each other just a few months ago.


My husband is a little bit different than most other men. He doesn't have an insatiable appetite for sex. He is a bit insecure about his body and was a virgin before meeting me.

I think that men who wait out to have sex tend to naturally have problems once they do get married. Being a virgin till 26 years of age alters a person in negative ways. They get accustomed to seeing porn and living in their fantasies.. so once they do have sex, it feels too different then they would have expected. 

He might like sex, but doesnt necessarily obsess over the need to get sex from me.
He told me he feels closer to me when we are just hugging and spooning side by side rather than having sex. Sex to him is only an outlet to orgasm. 
I guess he isnt as involved emotionally when he has sex, but mainly focuses on the body and the pleasure aspect. Its not an act that emotionally bonds him to me.
Yeap so therefore I feel its not the worst thing for him to not receive sex. He hasnt pressured or demanded sex from me. And maybe our marriage will most likely be sexless. 

I wonder if there are other similar men out there who dont view sex as being highly important in their marriage.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

If sex isn't important to either of you, then this might work out fine. But his feelings may change, or he may not be completely sharing them with you, so try to be sensitive to that.

If neither of you wants sex, I'm not clear on what the problem is. You say you're embarrassed about people thinking about your sex life, but you don't have a sex life and seem fine with that. So what's the goal? Would you still like to get past that embarrassment?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> I wonder if there are other similar men out there who dont view sex as being highly important in their marriage.


Yes.

But they aren't married.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> Sex to him is only an outlet to orgasm.
> I guess he isnt as involved emotionally when he has sex, but mainly focuses on the body and the pleasure aspect. Its not an act that emotionally bonds him to me.
> Yeap so therefore I feel its not the worst thing for him to not receive sex. He hasnt pressured or demanded sex from me. And maybe our marriage will most likely be sexless.


You can just scoop the bitterness up with a spoon from this statement can't you? 

You play the "pretend not to be resentful" act very poorly. You make excuses why your 26 yo virgin husband isn't emotionally satisfied by sexual contact with you. Maybe your not his type because you don't resemble the porn he frequently masturbates to?

Or perhaps he's ashamed to be married to you also?


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## alltheprettyflowers (Jul 24, 2015)

Or maybe he is secretly gay.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> Or maybe he is secretly gay.


Is that what you believe?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> Or maybe he is secretly gay.


Or your wasting everyone's time here with fairytales. Mods please.

If you are for real and that's how you feel then why are you acting like a coward. You think your husband is a homosexual. You mock him for being a mid 20's virgin. You boast about withholding sex from him because he only uses you for his own sexual gratification.

Yet you come to an anonymous forum to humiliate him and spew your venom rather than DO something about it. Why did you bother marrying him? Obviously, you married him this way. Lack of options? No one else wanted you? You don't act like you love him and won't leave so clearly you have insecurity and self esteem issues. 

Better to be treated like human sex doll then to be alone? If you separate then I guess you can't blame him for your shortcomings anymore. SAD. Go get intensive counseling for yourself. If you care about saving your lousy marriage then therapy for both of you is also a must. I pity your husband. I hope you dump him so he can find a real companionship gay or otherwise.


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## alltheprettyflowers (Jul 24, 2015)

Oh so dramatic. So much rage in your attempts to shame me. Master of jumping to conclusions, you seem to have so much displaced hatred, wise guy. Did your woman humiliate you? Something in my post was obviously a trigger. 
You paint my husband in the image of some macho guy who bangs and quits. He is not some hyper-sexual male who begs for sex, we are both comfortable with abstaining. And the type of sex we had was centered towards my enjoyment, and thats a mutual preference. 
Most importantly, we don't get emotionally hung up on sex as a form of validation.
Boasting? You contrived that in your head. 
I married him because we were long time friends who supported each other through many years.


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

You say you're both comfortable with abstaining, but since you chose to come here for advice it suggests you felt it was a problem. Which is it? I'm still struggling to understand why sex as a married person is different - or more embarrassing - than sex as a single person. You enjoyed it before - what's changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

alltheprettyflowers said:


> Oh so dramatic. So much rage in your attempts to shame me. Master of jumping to conclusions, you seem to have so much displaced hatred, wise guy. Did your woman humiliate you?


Well, you came here for advice, I guess. Your post says you are "ashamed" to be married. Thus far, I haven't a clue as to why you think other people are thinking about you and your husband having sex. So I don't know what you are "ashamed" of and what motivates you to think others are so interested in your sex life.



alltheprettyflowers said:


> Most importantly, we don't get emotionally hung up on sex as a form of validation.


Then you are morally and ethically superior to most of the poor slobs on TAM who actually do have sex with their mates as a "form of validation." Last time I looked around at the human race, most of us needed validation in some form or another. For most husbands and wives, sex plays a part. No, they're not two rutting horn dogs in heat, but sex is a special form of intimacy they share - one of many - to "validate" their love for one another.

Hey, if you and your husband want a sexless marriage, go for it. To each his own. But if it's working for you so damn well, then what is there to be ashamed of?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you and supposedly your husband are fine with abstaining what are you complaining about? You're worried that other people know (tee-hee) that you're having sex with your husband. You would be surprised to learn just how infrequently other people think about you. 

Better they think you are having sex with your husband than your dog.


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