# Confused



## Lilly_Louise

hi ill try to be detailed about everything, but also try not to be long. 

I met my husband back when i was 17 im now 23. during this time we got engaged and then married just last year. When i was 20 i had an affair with another man, i stoped the affair after 2 months. however after leaving the other man i found out i was pregnant! i assumed the baby was my now husbands, and he even asked me if the child was his. see he had a feeling i was cheeting, just never admited it to him, i thought leaving the other man and moving forward with the man i love would be good enough to leave the pain out of everything. 

only just last year, my husband decided it was time to do a dna test. the test results confirmed my husband was not my daughters father! I was angry and confused because he had done this without me knowing. 

After all that was said and done, he still wanted to work stuff out, and to be together. we were happy again for about 4 weeks before his friends and some family members steped in and told him he was looking like a fool for taking me back! 

we didnt see eachother for months, and now we are on and off all the time, we dont live together, i love him and trying to regain his trust! my daughter who is now 2 loves him and calls him dad, my husband doesnt mind this, he has said he loves her and me still. but just yesterday he was here and i asked the hard questions ...... where do you see this marriage going? do you want a divorce? where is your head at now? 
his answer was this: "i think its too soon for everything, and he is scared what everyone will think and say, but he also said he isnt sure if he wants to go down this track with me anymore? 

CONFUSED. i know what i did is extreamly wrong! and there is no way i would ever ask him to forgive me... how could he? i do want my life to have him in at as my husband and a father to my girl. tell me what everyone thinks, am i out of my depth with this?


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## Alpha

Wow! I don't think you can blame him for his emotions or indecisiveness at this moment. If I found out my child wasn't mine, it would destroy me. My wife left me, that hurt. But if I found out today that the child that I raised with her wasn't mine, that would even be more painful than my wife leaving.

You do realize he may leave, yes? Once you accept that, your focus should be on working on yourself. Analyze why you had this affair in the first place. Improve yourself, your appearance, your health, everything. Easier said that done, but make a concerted effort to do so. Make yourself into a better person. And then.....

do not chase your husband and look needy or desperate. Don't call him, let him call you. Once he calls, be nice to him, have him come over if he wants. Let him discover the new and improved you. Show him that you are a mature woman who can take care of herself and can take care of her daughter. Show him that you are also an affectionate person. 

But in the end you are doing this for yourself and not your husband. Accept the fact that there is a chance that he may never come back. But also realize that if you work on yourself and become the best person and most attractive person you can be, it won't be long before you find someone else, and maybe someone even better than your husband who will accept you and your daughter for who you both are.


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## Mr Blunt

Is it possible that your husband will accept you as his wife and raise the child? Yes

Is it likely?	NO

However I am sure that you do not care if only 1 in 5 of these situations works out as long as you are the 1.

If you are the one in the 5 then be prepared to work twice as hard as others at your marriage. Marriages have a 50/50 chance of divorce without a serious situation like you two have.

Alpha gave you very good advice. Especially about you working on yourself.* If you improve yourself body, mind, and spirit then you will be a much stronger magnet for your husband.*
Do not get back together if he is not able to forgive; you will just prolong misery. Also, make sure that you forgive yourself and get your self image in top shape. If you do not you will be the one that brings about misery.

Your situation is a serious one and it will be vary hard for you both to overcome. However, if you both do everything that you can and follow good council you will make it.

A good marriage counselor is a must!!!


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## Lilly_Louise

Thanks for the insight guys! i know my situation is really hard, and he has said to just give things time. time to me though makes me feel like we are drifting apart and it just makes me upset. i asked him the other day what was he so affraid of? his answer was what everyone else will think. My whole life i grew up with people around me telling me to not worry what others think but to do what makes you happy. from a guys point of view how would you interpret that answer? is he right to worry what they would think?


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## Alpha

That all depends on your upbringing. You are more open and maybe he is more conservative.

He is going to need time, and it would be worse if you push him. Do not look needy or act desperate. You need to work on yourself, get your life in order, and make him do the chasing. At the end of the day, if he realizes that he really loves you and wants you to be part of his life again, he will not care what anyone says or tells him. He will do it on his own volition and when he does, it will be sincere. You love him right? If you love him, let him go.


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## terrence4159

can you blame your husband? if he was me i would have left you and never looked back. you got mad at him for exposing your lie? wh ydid he go behind your back and not tell you? he asked you once you lied and did the most hurtful thing ever that is cheat. you crushed him as a man and worse lied to him about being a dad for 2 years.

you took everything from him his pride, self worth, and his kid. i hope you do work it out i really do but the main problem i have was you saying you were angry and confused he dna tested behind your back...was that worse than cheating/lying and making him believe he was the dad when you pretty much knew he wasnt? you HAD a chance to make it right when he asked you if he was the dad what did you do lied again. 

if you get back together one thing to think about he may NEVER trust you again.


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## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of Lilly*
> “i asked him the other day what was he so affraid of?”“…from a guys point of view how would you interpret that answer? is he right to worry what they would think?



Asking what is right for your husband is way off the point if you are going to attract him back to you. You are asking him a question that is pressuring him.


*The best chance that you have of attracting him back to you is by becoming the best woman that you can be.* In other words it is up to you to show him that you are much more of an asset to him than a liability. Right now you are more of a liability because you seriously broke his trust in you. You need to quit concentrating on him and concentrate on you. Show him by your actions over the next several months or years that you are trustworthy and a valuable asset to him. Do NOT ask him questions that pressure him into coming back to you.

*You seem to be needy, fearful, and desperate. That is u very understandable but not attractive to most men;* especially when you have damaged his trust in you so bad.


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## Lilly_Louise

Mr Blunt said:


> Asking what is right for your husband is way off the point if you are going to attract him back to you. You are asking him a question that is pressuring him.
> 
> 
> *The best chance that you have of attracting him back to you is by becoming the best woman that you can be.* In other words it is up to you to show him that you are much more of an asset to him than a liability. Right now you are more of a liability because you seriously broke his trust in you. You need to quit concentrating on him and concentrate on you. Show him by your actions over the next several months or years that you are trustworthy and a valuable asset to him. Do NOT ask him questions that pressure him into coming back to you.
> 
> *You seem to be needy, fearful, and desperate. That is u very understandable but not attractive to most men;* especially when you have damaged his trust in you so bad.


Thank you Mr blunt, your advice has got me thinking, and yes i have been acting needy ect, and thats because i am affraid of loosing him completly. i will take your advice and work on myself, i wont expect him to come back. i'll never stop loving him and ill do this hard track. i guess time is all i have to give right now.


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## All of a sudden

I know you messed up but you never should of lied about his / not his baby. That is a major traumatic blow. I feel really bad for him. I dont know if you can do anything about it but wait it out. He bonded with the baby and now finds out its not his two years of a lie and a little baby. If he comes back you are one lucky girl and treat him like a prince! You were too young to get married imho.


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## Mr Blunt

> Thoreau
> You did stop loving him when you screwed someone else and bore a bastard child while living a lie. Take your baby and leave this man...he deserves better.


She did a very stupid and selfish act and severely hurt her marriage. However, you do not know the degree of love that she has for him, nor do I. 
*It is possible to care for someone and then severely hurt them.* 


You are right this man deserves better than be cheated on but there is still a sliver of hope that the marriage can be salvageable. I know that the odds are against this marriage but with love and forgiveness some horrible marriages have been saved.

The only ones that know if they quit loving each other are Lilly and her husband.


If your post was intending to tell Lilly how wrong she is then that was not necessary as she has already stated that in her reprinted post below



> *By Lilly*
> i know what i did is extreamly wrong! and there is no way i would ever ask him to forgive me... how could he?


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## terrence4159

i disagree mr blunt you CAN NOT love someone and completly destroy them like she did. then pile lie upon lie on them.

i think she is in the 99% catagory, she is hurt she got caught and exposed. i dont think she hurt that she hurt him.


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## Alpha

Lilly messed up and she messed up big......but we're all human. I think she knows she made a major mistake. She is here to ask us for advice not for us to judge and throw stones at her.

If I was her husband, I personally don't think I could ever go back. That's me and the same probably for a lot of other people. Lilly should be prepared to accept the fact that her husband may never come back. 

Right now she is basically a single mother. She needs to work on herself and really make the effort to improve. She can be an independent, dedicated, attractive, happy, and caring individual who's light shines so bright that men will be attracted to her regardless of whether she has a child. Let her husband figure out whether he wants to go back to her or not. 

You can never count out the power of love.


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## larry.gray

Lilly_Louise said:


> only just last year, my husband decided it was time to do a dna test. the test results confirmed my husband was not my daughters father! I was angry and confused because he had done this without me knowing.


Really? After doing what you did to him, this is how you react? Do you think what he did compares to what you did? You have no right to be angry at him for that.

What about the other man? Have you let him know he's a father? Don't you think he's owed that? Are you going to ask him to step up for his responsibilities?


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## Lilly_Louise

larry.gray said:


> Really? After doing what you did to him, this is how you react? Do you think what he did compares to what you did? You have no right to be angry at him for that.
> 
> What about the other man? Have you let him know he's a father? Don't you think he's owed that? Are you going to ask him to step up for his responsibilities?


I know what i wrote my seem like i was blaming him for doing it, but i wasnt, it was how i felt at the time. i no longer feel like that, and understand it now. I was walking through a fog at the time, i was lost as most people feel this way at some point in their marriage. I came on here to ask for advice not to be struck down and judged upon. 

Yes the other man does know and has decided not to step up to this. i have tried to talk to his family, but he just doesnt want the responsability. there is nothing more i can do there.


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## Lilly_Louise

Had a break through or not? need a mans insite.... 

So yesterday my husband texted me to see if he could come over, i said yes as i was home alone and he knew this. 
He came came around and wanted to watch movies with me, we were half way through a movie when he started kissing me! I hadnt ask him anything about our marriage and where it was headed, i was just my old self. And i know what your all thinking, and the answer is yes we did have sex... we had great sex! was it a good move? im not sure. at the time it felt like we re-conected he even said he loved me and that i make him happy. He also said he would like to come back during the week. now that i look back at it, i dont regret trying to re-conect with my husband but im now thinking he may use this to his advantage? he seemed sincere and happy..... however if this was to happen back when we first met he would of called or texted me today at least, but i havnt heard from him. could he be using me? or is he really trying to re-conect?


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## Lilly_Louise

He also said to me that he had been watching porn and he couldnt ' get off' on it, he only could get full satisfaction by looking at photos of me! flattering yes! but is this because he wants me or because he was looking at porn in the first place, could he be trying to move on? ...... i really doo look into things too much! well so my friends say.


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## hibiscus

He misses the "old " you and clearly wanted to reconnect. But he will also be angry with the new discovered you so be prepared for mixed signals. He doesnt know what he really wants at this moment.

He is going to be a roller coaster of emotions and it will take him months to come to a happy medium of how he wants to move on in his life.

I would get back with my partner then dump him after a short period because I couldnt deal with my mixed emotions towards him. It took me five months to decide to give him a chance to R.

My advice is to always reassure him that you are sorry, that you want another chance to prove to him that you are committed. I cannot tell you how many times my partner said sorry to me.Must be over 50 times now. He even wrote a letter to my family for hurting me. 

If he didnt show remorse for months on it then I would not have given him a chance.


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## hibiscus

Your partner will regain his respect for you if you are consistent in showing your remorse for your actions.

It can take months though..if he ever does.


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## Shadow_Nirvana

Guys, here's the reason to do DNA testing on all your children...wow... deep stuff this.


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## Mr Blunt

> By Lilly
> need a mans insite....
> 
> ..... however if this was to happen back when we first met he would of called or texted me today at least, but i havnt heard from him. could he be using me? or is he really trying to re-conect?


*The situation right now is a WHOLE lot different than when you first met; as different as night and a day!* He has needs of love, emotions, and sex and you were his main source for that. I think it is a good sign that he came to you but don’t expect things to be like it was when you met; that is not going to happen right now or for a very long time or maybe never.





> could he be trying to move on?


Sure he is trying to move on. The question is he trying to move on with you or without you. Lilly, *you are going to have to face the fact that he has been hurt to the bone and he is not going to meet all your needs and wants right now if ever.*

If I were your husband I would be very troubled by what has occurred. If I made a decision to try and reconcile back to you and have a good marriage I would be watching you for a very long time. *I would be looking to see if you were an improved woman that is dedicated to loyalty and trust. In addition I would be watching to see if you are a much stronger woman or not. It really will boil down to the question of. Is Lilly more of an asset or a liability?*

I do no know about your husband but what you DO in the next several months or years would be the controlling factor if I was ever to decide to move on with you or not.

*Lilly, you need to totally consentrate on improving you;* that will be the detemining factor for you and probably his decsion.


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## hibiscus

What he is doing is called "hysterical bonding". He is connecting with you sexually because its the only way he can at the moment. But it doesn't mean he still wants the relationship. He is in limbo land for now.


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## Alpha

I really can't improve on MR BLUNT's comments. He said it correctly.

Your husband will be overly emotional and you will most likely see mood swings. You should expect that and don't let it affect you and don't try to read into it too much. 

I would NOT try to pressure him by asking questions about the future. Avoid doing this at all costs. You need to work on yourself and let your husband "re-discover" you.


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## Lilly_Louise

Thanks guys, all the advice has helped a lot! He did message me last night and told me he will be away for the weekend with his mates, so im not expecting a call anytime soon. I have started improvments on myself, been going to gym to try and get back my six pack i had when we first met lol. and even started seeking proffesional help. i start a new job this week with the police force, and im generally finding my old self again.... i have connected with my daughter again and every spair moment is spent with her. Im slowly loving life right now, i've even been aproched by some companies on wanting my photography business, so im in for a busy time


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## Lilly_Louise

hibiscus said:


> He misses the "old " you and clearly wanted to reconnect. But he will also be angry with the new discovered you so be prepared for mixed signals. He doesnt know what he really wants at this moment.
> 
> He is going to be a roller coaster of emotions and it will take him months to come to a happy medium of how he wants to move on in his life.
> 
> I would get back with my partner then dump him after a short period because I couldnt deal with my mixed emotions towards him. It took me five months to decide to give him a chance to R.
> 
> My advice is to always reassure him that you are sorry, that you want another chance to prove to him that you are committed. I cannot tell you how many times my partner said sorry to me.Must be over 50 times now. He even wrote a letter to my family for hurting me.
> 
> If he didnt show remorse for months on it then I would not have given him a chance.


did you find that the letter helped? or did it just piss you off? i've been thinking about opoligizing to his family, but im not sure if it will do any better...


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## Thoreau

What have you done as far as apologizing to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilly_Louise

Thoreau said:


> What have you done as far as apologizing to him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've said sorry to his face, told him its not his fualt at all! written him a letter, given him space, given him all my passwords to everything on the computer, been completly open and honest to him about what im doing and where i am, yes i've told him i seek advice on here! i've made him a photo album highlighting all our good times together. there are days were i just text him to say sorry and im trying. should or is there more i can do without pushing him so far away?


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## Alpha

You have seen how negatively some people have reacted here. I said before, were it me in your husband's shoes, you would be history.

But you are here asking for advice on how to keep your husband and I believe that what you are doing so far--hitting the gym, new job, professional help, daughter connect--are perfect. Keep doing that. Find that old self of yours back. 

You've already apologized to your husband. I don't think you need to be apologizing all the time, I believe it will only make you look desperate. You did a very noble thing by giving him all your passwords. Keep it that way, don't change them and let him peek if he wants and when he does all he will see is how good a person you have become. 

You want your husband to fall in love with YOU the person and not the pathetic little puppy dog that needs his constant affection.


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## hibiscus

Lilly_Louise said:


> did you find that the letter helped? or did it just piss you off? i've been thinking about opoligizing to his family, but im not sure if it will do any better...


Yes it helped me alot because my family were shocked and pained by his actions too. They hated seeing me so messed up and was angry with him for hurting me.

By writing a letter to my family I felt more reassured that he was genuienly sorry for his actions. 

Yes look after yourself but always tell him you are sorry and will do what it takes to repair the relationship. This is the only way you will get him back.

I was an emotional roller coaster for five months. I missed him, he repulsed me, I loved him, I hated him, I was hopeful and then wasnt. I went through an angry phase and called him all the names under the sun. Throughout that entire time he took full responsiblity for the mess he caused, profusely apologised for hurting me, repeatedly said that he is ashamed of himself. He must have said sorry over 100 times. And I needed to hear that from him all the time.


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## hibiscus

I have alot of respect for my partner since we are in R. Its one thing to mess up, but its another to admit to your fcuk up and be determined to make it right. For that I admire him alot.

There is hope. The relationship can work out but just let it unfold naturally.


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## bryanp

Did you answer your husband's question as to why you cheated on him and exposed him to STD's while getting pregnant? I do not mean to be harsh but your husband must be wondering that if you were such a good liar to keep all of this from him, then how could he ever trust you in the future?

If the roles were reversed and he got someone else pregnant during this time do you honestly think you could ever trust him fully again?


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## keko

Lilly_Louise said:


> CONFUSED. i know what i did is extreamly wrong! and there is no way i would ever ask him to forgive me... how could he? i do want my life to have him in at as my husband and a father to my girl. tell me what everyone thinks, am i out of my depth with this?


You cheated on him and got knocked up. It's highly likely that he'll never trust you, forever. The sooner you accept that the faster you'll be able to move on.


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## Lilly_Louise

bryanp said:


> Did you answer your husband's question as to why you cheated on him and exposed him to STD's while getting pregnant? I do not mean to be harsh but your husband must be wondering that if you were such a good liar to keep all of this from him, then how could he ever trust you in the future?
> 
> If the roles were reversed and he got someone else pregnant during this time do you honestly think you could ever trust him fully again?


He hasnt asked any questions except how could i do this, i answered that question with the truth: " i felt like he wasnt there for me, because he was at work all the time and always choosing to spend time with his mates over me. and everytime i expressed this to him he just ignored it. BUT its no excuse for what i did, i shouldnt of turned to someone else! the OM took advantage of my weak self, after seeing me cry to my friends. I should of been more strong, and now im learning from my mistake." its basically what i said. He is the kind of man to just shut everything out and expect time to heal not talking about it. i've told him ages ago that time wont heal unless we talk openly about this. 

And hey im a very forgiving person, so if the tables were turned, i would at least try to work things through. i believe everything happens for a reason, to me this could either bring us closer then ever or it could break us. and im hopeful at the moment cause at least he is talking to me and see's me and even tells me he still loves me and misses me etc. i just need to find a way to ride this hard time out and hold on to the fact that no matter what we will both be ok.


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