# Divorce completely out of the blue...HELP!



## jane486 (Aug 11, 2015)

I am 29 years old and i have been married for 3 years, together for 5, after getting engaged after 6 months - we fell madly and deeply in love so fast! But my husband said to me 4 weeks ago he wants a divorce. It was completely out of the blue for me, i didn't expect this. I thought we were so happy? i took him to Rome only a few months ago for his birthday and it was fine? I immediately asked if there was anyone else, to which he replied no. 

The weeks before he told me he wanted a divorce he was being all lovely, and sending nice messages, and talking about us moving house. It all seemed fine?!

He said he has been unhappy for a while. I asked him why he didn't tell me sooner. He said he was scared of my reaction, as he thought i would get angry. We have had arguments on and off over the last year, but none that i thought was so serious?, (mainly about my insecurities: e.g. wondering who women are at work, and wondering who 'that girl is who just commented on his facebook picture', or the girl he may have just added' , and in addition, my anger: - i never got violent, but i got angry and frustrated with situations) - he said this latter reason was the main reason why he felt he couldn't really tell me what was wrong, because he was scared of my reaction.

Last week he was going away for nearly a week to see family for space, and before hand i had said whats the worse that could happen if we try again, it may / may not work - he said he would think about it. he returned to say he's thought - and doesnt want to. but what really got me.... is, i SEDUCED him after this conversation last week when we had both got out of the shower, i wanted him to have sex with me - and HE DID! we did, i thought it would change things - he said later that it was a huge huge mistake 

Our arguments were never really discussed. we would argue... stop, i would pretty much forget it and we would move on with whatever we're doing. he has now claimed that whilst i was ok moving on, he said he never could, he was still 'not over' the argument, he continued to feel bad for a long time after (unbeknown to me)

He admits that he bottles stuff up.. even work related stuff he never really admitted any problems at work, he always tended to deal with it on his own, he didn't like sharing his problems .....

He said he had only decided upon divorce in the last week (perhaps in haste), but after saying it, he realised that it was the right decision.

He said we were more like best friends than husband and wife.
Our sex life was maybe once every 5 weeks or so, we generally just got on with our great life (or so it seemed)

One other thing - since he told me, i have noticed he has been 'online' more on Whats app and Facebook, and has now got instagram. He added lots of women (as he felt he couldn't before), and is now posting lots of photos of him having a great time.. he never used to do this... at the back of my mind i wondered whether he was chtting to someone else, especially as he's been active on whats app until the late hours of the night.. i questionned him about this, he said there was noone....

So now i am having the worst time of my life, he had space away to think about it and has confirmed this is definitely what he wants. He has now said we have nothing in common, and he has fallen out of love with me. he said he still cares, but that is it. 

How do i cope with this? I have seen a therapist (no good, she just said i need a lot of time to deal with it), i have read articles, and spoken to family and friends, but all i feel is GUILT.. i look back at how i was with him (angry, or frustrated, or JEALOUS) - why did i do that?I realise now that i wrecked it. I know he couldn't feel he could tell me, and he admits fault with that, but if i hadn't have been like that in the first place it would have worked.

He said he wants the divorce process to be 'as nice as possible', as he doesn't want to hurt me any more than he has done, and the fact he's being all nice is making it worse. I told him i wish he had cheated on me, or was horrible - least that way i could hate him through this.

So i am faced, at 29 years old a divorce, to a man i am so deeply, madly in love with, and he has none of these feelings for me anymore. And i look at him and i see how amazing he is, i genuinely wonder if i will ever ever ever move on. I literally feel pain in my heart, and i guess there is fear of being alone too - i feel like i need to instantly go out ,or perhaps go on dating websites (even though i know i'm not ready - perhaps it's the only way i can get distracted enough to get me through this?) I don't have a mass amount of friends either, as they're all married off. my family are great, but they can only do so much.

I feel so incredibly alone. I don't know how to deal with this. 
I love and miss him terribly. it makes it worse as he is unable to move out for another few months because of the mortgage. so seeing him every day is just killing me even more inside. His feelings for me have gone completely, he feels a 'release', he feels fine?! he looks all happy enjoying himself on pics on facebook, whilst i am a complete WRECK!

Any advice or ANYTHING, please please share it. I wanted it to work with him, but he flat out refuses as he does not want to - he has fallen out of love with me...

I am genuinely worried that i will never truly get over 'the love of my life' and worry that i will end up comparing everyone else to him, or won't be able to get him out of my mind as i am so crazily in love with him.

I feel so lost.

Help x


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Work on your own issues and let him be. Your anger issues and insecurity will make any partner emotionally exhausted. And the way he bottles up his emotions is unhealthy and that together makes the situation worse.

It is a bad idea to sleep with him. Sex only masks and confuses an already bad situation. You tried controlling him with sex, and if you have not realized that, you should.

Whether your marriage ends or not, you two are not healthy together at present. It seems like you are may be abusive in your anger. If you find yourself attacking him, overwhelming him with verbal assaults, that is abusive behavior and again, seek help to let go of insecurities, anger, and learn to place boundaries. Your insecurity makes you controlling and I gave you an example of that with the sex.

He has his own issue since his coping mechanism is also self-destructive.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Sounds like you 'killed' his love for you, I'm surprised he lasted that long….must've had the patience of Job.

I honestly don't see an upside for him to return to you, so I'd advise, you grant his wish of an easy, quick divorce and move on. You're still young, so you might find someone new, but, you're probably right about comparing them to him and never getting over it. Those are the risks and those are the lessons learned.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

I'm sorry jane but unless there is something ur not saying or something u dont know it would seem you are underestimating your responses during ur marriage. Fisty seems to have a good handle on the situation. Good luck


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I concur, you need to get yourself right first. At this stage it is unlikely that he will come back. You are still very young and it is time to deal with your own issues that precipitated this in the first place so that you do not carry it into another relationship. Did you H ask you to get help at any stage of the marriage?
Seek good IC for your anger/jealousy. You may find that after you seek the help you need and are getting better you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who is dysfunctional (H). Yes it is painful right now, but this will pass. Be the best you can be. To help you emotionally detach start doing the 180 and go out with friends, do your own thing and avoid him as much as possible.


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## jane486 (Aug 11, 2015)

When he told me, i suggested marriage counselling... which he eventually agreed. We went to it, and he said it was a load of rubbish, and after it he felt even MORE sure that he was making the right decision. However, i am continuing with counselling for my own benefit to sort out my own issues..

I am trying to stop blaming myself for this, as friends and family all say a marriage is 50/50 ,but why do i still blame myself?

if i wasn't bad tempered / jealous / insecure, then we would still be together surely? 

His ONLY downside, is that he bottled his problems up, and wasn't very emotional (whereas i am the opposite): - i told him EVERYTHING, perhaps too much, as my medical ailments used to probably get on his nerves, and i am a very emotional person. I guess he struggled communicating how he truly felt? 

We only ever argued - we never sat down and discussed the actual problems, they were always just brushed away and ignored.

This hurts the most:
-how he has fallen out of love with me 'just like that', whereas i am a wallowing mess!
-he seems to be out having fun, and enjoying his life now
-he is being so so nice about the whole divorce (wanting it to be amicable / he will pay / he doesn't want to hurt me anymore)

Do you think it ever could have worked, if i wasn't so bad tempered etc???? i feel completely to blame for the marriage break-down


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

It seems you went to the wrong marriage counsellor. Maybe he went only to justify himself. What exactly did the MC say. That you should or should not stay together. 
I wouldnt be so sure that he is having the time of his life as you put it. He will get tired of it and he doesnt seem to have found someone else yet. 
You say sex life was very infrequent who was to blame for that. How about kids. 
I suppose you started MC way to late but that cant be helped now. 
Leave the door open to him and I mean wide open.


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## jane486 (Aug 11, 2015)

Perhaps we went to the wrong counsellor, i don't know - he just felt he was more sure of it after we went.. she asked the mundane stuff, like what bothered him / what attracted him to me in the first place etc. He just kept saying he wants out, he isn't in love with me anymore, we've got nothing in common etc.

I am just sad he didn't let us TRY to fix it. he said he selfishly decided it al on his own in the last week that this was what he wanted. i said what's the worst that could happen, he might fall back in love with me... he said he doesn't want to! 

we have no kids.. and yeah our sex life was infrequent, we only had sex really when we had had a few drinks.... i never really 'wanted to' - not sure why?

I told him i felt all to blame to this, and he said it's not just me, as he 'wasn't open enough for us', and that he 'just let it run him down', - instead of communicating with me i guess 

he is filing for divorce next week. i feel so much pain and blame right now


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

You dont stop saying that you are to blame. You didnt want sex which it seems he wanted. It was only when he wanted out that you relented. As you say he is a nice man and seems a bit of a door mat to me. I dont mean to have a go at you but look at it from his side. 
I suppose he thinks if he gives in now it will only end up the same. He is not strong enough to argue with you and most likely you won every argument that explains what happened afterwards.
I still think you have time. He is not done with you yet. But the problem seems to me to be that you dont see the problem at least not from his side. He seems to believe that as well and therefore wont bother even telling you what it is. He wouldnt tell the MC either and no wonder thought it was a waste of time. 
What you should do to get him back. Quite simple really offer him to be the man of the house.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

I think it probably all happened too fast, engaged after 6 months and you were swept along and now it has settled into routine marriage, he has had time to think and his conclusion is "I am just not sure this is what I really want."

Stop blaming yourself. I guess there is some major incompatibility here. 
A woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, tells the world how she is feeling and moves swiftly on, AND a man who keeps everything close to his chest, takes stuff to heart and bottles it all up. SO whilst you have trouble remembering an argument 24 hours ago, he is still festering about something you said 5 months ago.
After the initial honeymoon period, he is struggling to see where you fit together as a couple. 

I also guess as a young man (you don't state his age, but I am assuming) sex every 5 weeks wasn't nearly enough and as sex tends to reduce in marriages he saw a major drought and trouble ahead. 
Sex is important to many men and a woman who doesn't appear to desire him or have frequent sex with him, is demoted to a "best friend" and that is exactly what he is now telling you he sees you as.

You admit you never really "wanted to" and few men or women want to be having sex long term with someone who isn't that interested in them sexually. It is upsetting and can be soul destroying.
A room-mate vs a wife.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It is my guess he has either met another woman, or just looked around and saw that he was attractive, and attracted to, other women. If a person is dissatisfied with their relationship, they become more open the seeking something new, either a new partner or a single lifestyle. 

I don't think that "begging" or promising to change ever works. If at all, it is generally temporary at best. You are young...better to just accept that the marriage is over and begin the process of healing. There is no point in clinging to someone who does not want to be there. Don't mistake basic kindness or compassion from him for love. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference, especially when you want things to work out.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

What I think is that your H just had have enough. It looks like there was not a single reason for growing apart. It is a combination of many little things that do not get addressed and become a snowball. At this young age, many man possessed a high sexual drive. from his point of view he could not see himself been married for the rest of his life to the woman with low sex drive. I also think that your h has a feelings of compassion for you, but I would not call it love. He is gone. I think it is better for two of you to call it quit. You are still young, and have many years ahead of you. Just let it go.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Sadly, as someone recently separated partly due to my anger and angry reactions it is a marriage killer. Some of us were either raised or experienced anger on a level exceeding normal growing up so we don't see it as that bad really and recover from it quickly. In all of my research on this over the Summer I realized that 90% of the general population is basically 'afraid' of our kind of anger even though to us it seems to be normal....trust me when i tell you it isn't and follow the advice of the earlier posts...

Work on you, learn to react in a more calm healthy way and also practice 180 while you do it. It might even bring him back but best for you to pretend it is over and move on....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sex once every five weeks?

This really doesn't jibe with your claim that he is the "love of your life." When you are truly with the love of your life, frequent sex usually is part of the equation.

I think it's more likely that you feel lost and hopeless, never imagined in a million years he would ever leave you, and now you are desperately clinging to something that really isn't working.

Let him go. He isn't in love with you anymore, so he is clearly not the right one for you no matter how much you think this relationship is what you want.

Time to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

He said he had only decided upon divorce in the last week (perhaps in haste), but after saying it, he realised that it was the right decision.

He said we were more like best friends than husband and wife.
*Our sex life was maybe once every 5 weeks or so, we generally just got on with our great life (or so it seemed*)


You don't have to wonder, here is your reason. You guys are in your 20's with no kids and yet you had by definition a sexless marriage(sex 10 times a year or less).
I suspect he figured that things would not get belter with time and possibly children so he began to count the cost and made what for him was a logical decision.
For a man, life and especially marriage is rarely great without sex. For most men sex is the glue that keeps them connected to their wives. When the sex dries up, then the connection is lost. And sometimes with work it can be brought back but sometimes it is too late or the exit costs are not high enough to deter him from leaving. That's what I think happened here.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

_He said he had only decided upon divorce in the last week (perhaps in haste), but after saying it, he realised that it was the right decision.

He said we were more like best friends than husband and wife.
*Our sex life was maybe once every 5 weeks or so, we generally just got on with our great life (or so it seemed[/B*_*])


You don't have to wonder, here is your reason. You guys are in your 20's with no kids and yet you had by definition a sexless marriage(sex 10 times a year or less).
I suspect he figured that things would not get belter with time and possibly children so he began to count the cost and made what for him was a logical decision.
For a man, life and especially marriage is rarely great without sex. For most men sex is the glue that keeps them connected to their wives. When the sex dries up, then the connection is lost. And sometimes with work it can be brought back but sometimes it is too late or the exit costs are not high enough to deter him from leaving. That's what I think happened here.*


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Okay, males get more of that risk/reward when it comes to sex. Females become more bonded during sex than males. Neuro scientist did brain scans during sex, and sure enough, females have more activities in the area of the brain responsible for love. Even testing oxytocin levels after sex, females release more of this hormone that helps with bonding.

In most male cases, is the reward worth the effort. Sex is scarce, wife has issues with temper and jealousy. And the honeymoon phase wore off, so now those magical feelings are gone, along with the motivation to be with that person.

Either way, he will have to own his issue when it comes to any other relationship. His coping habits of bottling his emotions will fester in any relationship.

She will emotionally exhaust any partner she is with. She should work on herself, and when she does, she has the opportunity to find a better partner than him as well. They both can find better.

She can meet an attractive man with his traits and could be better at communicating and working things out once she gets her anger under control.

He can find another person who does like sex more often with him and they get along better.

I have seen cases of abuser who worked on themselves and ended up with better marriages while their victims ended up in other abusive relationship. Life does not work on fair and just.

My advice is OP, you have a lot of issues, that it will be hard to work on that and a relationship at the same time. Without a relationship, and new relationship issues cropping up, you can more focus on yourself. Since you can more invest in you, your time and energy is not spread out.

And, marriage does not mean for life and you cannot force someone to stay married to you or love you. Your actions makes someone stay bonded to you, not how you feel about them.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Sounds a bit like my marriage only I'm 20 years older. Infrequent sex, daily updates on every ache & pain, arguments that made me think my wife was the mayor of crazy town. Things are getting a little better but looking back...ugh. 

Your husband is doing what I should have done 20 years ago.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jane... give it up.

Your insecurity, jealousy, anger drove him to the brink. Not to mention your *asexual* marriage (once every FIVE weeks )

He weighed the risks/consequences and decided it's not worth it. He wants a woman who is grounded... not jealous, insecure, and whining about everything. He wants a woman who WANTS to have sex with him. Not one who holds out less than once a month.

He realizes he doesn't want to "settle." 

Time to pack it up, move along.

Be strong. And learn from this so you don't repeat the pattern in your next relationship.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I agree with the other posters, just give him a quick divorce. Work on yourself, learn from this and do better next time.

When your marriage is this young, you are now creating your foundation. The shared love, hopes and dreams are part of the structure. To keep building you need to keep create support and strengthen that foundation. You guys did not do any of this.

You constant anger, jealousy and fighting destroyed all you tried to build. Your marriage was not a safe place for your husband, so he could not come to you and say what he was feeling. His fault in all of this was not being strong enough to stand up to you and let you know how your actions were affecting him.

You did not give him love and trust. He was constantly on eggshells with you. No one can live like that forever. It's exhausting. He is tired and now relieved that his mind is made up. That is why he is happier.

Sex is so important in a marriage. Sex once every 5 wks in a young marriage is not going to cut it. This is how people in love show affection, love and appreciation. (I love jewelry too). Its how you make up and ease the other's pain. Its how you show trust and I want and desire you. (AT lest in my marriage).

You both messed up. Please be unselfish and let him go.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Sexless marriage.

In the beginning, I'm guessing you refused him quite a bit, destroying his ego.

Eventually he quit pursuing you altogether because at least that way he didn't feel the rejection.

Then he started to resent the relationship because the most intimate bond a man has with his wife is gone.

Fights become more frequent, and he becomes accustomed to submitting. No make up sex obviously because she has every justifiable reason to reject him, and he doesn't even try.

He realizes not only does he not need you to attend the marriage, but he is better off not attending it as well.

"Oh look at all the pretty girls, their so attentive...."

Well... If you do get him back, the answer to all your arguments should be sex.

Like you said, the arguments didn't seem that big at the time, but were you using them as an excuse to reject him sexually, then they are huge, marriage destroying huge, especially if the arguments had anything to do with lack of intimacy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you married quickly, are in what amounts to a sexless marriage and he wants out. That's unfortunately not uncommon. At least he didn't wait until after you had children, and ten or twenty years (or more) has passed, to decide the two of you aren't compatible. I know it hurts and it's a shock and you don't want to let him go but it's far better to find this out now than years (or even decades) down the road. You can't make him love you. He's done. So work on you. IC would be a good start.


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