# What's wrong with me?



## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

This is my second marriage. First time around, I married too young and married an abuser. He was my childhood sweetheart, we did everything together, school, college, work, etc. everything. We were joined at the hips. Our dating life had its ups and downs. Our marriage... well it went down pretty fast. It lasted all of 6 months. He wanted total control of me; who I talk to, who I see, what I do with my money, etc. He was frightening when angry; threatening physical abuse, kicking me out of his house, etc. Now I wonder if I deserved that anger? Could I have done something to make him not that angry? Could I have tried harder to keep him happy? We had a LOT of good times before we got married...honestly, a lot. We were together since we were kids. He was my first and last bf. I felt I did my best during our marriage, but now I'm second guessing myself. Did I do enough? Should I have been more affectionate towards him despite how he and his family behaved to me? I feel I was young and stupid, but when I think back in detail, I don't know what I could have done differently. Anyways.. that's just a bit of background on me.

After my divorce I stayed away from relationships completely. I wouldn't even talk to men besides when I absolutely had to (work, friends bfs/husbands at social gatherings, etc). Fast fwd 7 years, I started talking long distance to this guy. The only reason I talked to him is to make my family happy. They didn't want to see me alone and lonely, so they introduced me to him. It was entirely long distance (he was was "studying" in another country), which is why I even bothered to talk to him. I knew all I had to do was hang up the phone to get rid of him. Right around that time I learned my ex got married. I realize now that it was a late 'rebound' reaction that made me do it, but I suddenly started investing more of myself into this long distance relationship and finally I got married too (5 months after my ex got married. Coincidence?)

My husband isn't abusive, isn't controlling, is very understanding and a very nice guy most of the time. He has his down days / mean days, but we all do. And his mean days don't cross any limits and aren't (so far) deal breaker meanness so I"m not holding that against him. Before getting married I knew that he had done BA Hons in English and he was working on his Masters degree in another country. After marriage I learned that he hardly attended classes... and I learned exactly what level his English was at.

Before we got married he showed himself to be a hardworking guy. He had two jobs, supporting himself and paying off his loans.

Now, I know I have a lot of resentment towards him, and here's why. First of all, because of him wanting to save money, my entire family and I flew to where he was "studying" so we could marry there. That country's laws didn't permit us to register the marriage, and the lawyers we contacted in that country didn't know of the law as it was so new. Long story short I spent an entire year investigating, gathering papers from 3 different countries (my country, his studying country and his country of origin), staying up all hours of the night to talk to lawyers and government officials in different countries (different time zones) and spending a ton of money gathering papers and traveling back and forth between our countries until finally I got the marriage registered. This may not be relevant but after spending one whole year working on this, on the registration day where we signed the legal papers in front of a judge..he gave me NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Not even flowers. I know this seems petty but i wasn't expecting that. It's one of those "small straws" that break the camels back. To make matters worse, the judge asked him his name, he answered with his home address, the judge asked for his father's name, he answered with my name, etc.  I was humiliated. The judge actually looked at me and asked me if I want to marry him. The judge asked for rings, I had to translate to him, and then translate back to the judge that my husband has nothing to give me on our wedding day that I worked one year to get. He did absolutely nothing to help with registering the marriage. At the time I thought he was busy working and paying off his loans (I work full time too btw). Now I know better; he likes to depend on me for each and every tiny little thing, and he doesn't know and doesn't know how to figure out...well, anything.

Let's recap the ring a bit. I gave him a beautiful (if I do say so myself) two-tonal stainless steel ring studded with diamonds. Because we were in different countries, I couldn't go and pick my ring with him. I showed him pictures of rings I found online which were CHEAP (within $150) but nice looking rings from stores near him. He told me I should buy my own ring and he will pay me back. I picked a ring that matched the one I got him (girl version). He loved it. It was really cheap too (for a diamond!). It cost about $450-ish. I showed him the picture and the price, he okay'ed it. When I was at the store I called him. He not only OK'ed it he encouraged me to find a "better" more expensive ring because this is my wedding ring, something I'll wear forever. I didn't look for anything more expensive because I didn't want this to be a burden on him. I actually called him THREE times from the store because I wanted to be absolutely sure he was ok with the price since he said he'll pay me back for it. Anyways, closer to the wedding date (not the registration date) he tells me that the ring I chose is too expensive, what will his family think if he spends that sort of money on me, etc and basically he will buy me another ring. I'm sorry if this sounds mean and gold-digger-ish, but he bought me the tinest ring I've ever seen. I doubt if the ring was worth over $50. And that's not even the point. The point is he gave me his word that the ring I'm buying for myself will be from him, he'll pay me back for it, and even encouraged me to spend more money on a better ring. After I got the ring and the time to return it passed he told me that its too expense and "what will my family thing if I buy you a ring that expense", etc. Anyways that ring was for the actual "wedding" which we couldn't register (I realized we couldn't register it once we were already in his country about to get married). I then spent a year gathering everything and on the registration day (which the judge pointed out was our wedding day)... well on the registration day he came empty handed. He didn't even get me flowers.

Fast forward to now. I had to sponsor him (again, more sleepless nights, and a lot more money) and he's finally here. He's been here for about two years now. I got him a job at a restaurant when he got here. Since then, he has not sufficiently tried to get himself a better job, and he doesn't want to enroll in an English course because he doesn't feel he needs to learn the language. He wants to get a "white collar" office job, but he has absolutely no qualifications or experience to backup this want. He can't even write English, so it's not like I can use my connections to hook him up with a data entry job. His comprehension and writing abilities is very poor. Honestly my own ethics stops me from helping him here; there are people who actually went to school and worked hard to get the entry level jobs he wants handed to him.

I've been pushing him to enroll in an English class since he got here. He thinks his English is good enough (recall he kept misunderstanding everything the marriage judge was saying). I found him a few certificate programs that are in the field he wants to get into that incorporate co-op placement. This way he'll get the education and the experience. He needed to pass high school English in order get into any of the programs. He had a few months to study. He "studied" by writing on the newspaper article the stories written on the articles. Yes, you read that correctly. He would copy onto the newspaper stories that were written in the newspaper. I don't mean he would write editorials on the articles, I mean he would copy the articles word for word. I asked him why and he said he was practicing his handwriting. I assured him that no one would fail him because of bad handwriting, I encouraged him to write essays and offered to read and mark them every night. None of what I said helped. 

I called the examination board and found out what's going to be on the test. I even got websites of sample test questions from them (some multiple choice comprehension questions and one essay) which I had him do. He wouldn't understand the multiple choice questions, rather he would want me to tell him the answers so he could memorize it. It's like he just didn't understand that he's supposed to understand the questions, not memorize the answers. The whole test is about comprehension, not his ability to memorize. I wrote essays and showed him how to write essays. I sat him down and explained the most simplistic forms of essay writing and gave him topics and asked him to write essays for me telling him that I would grade them and help him improve. After much nagging, he "wrote" one essay. I read the first sentence (free of grammatical and spelling errors), googled the first sentence and found the whole essay online, word for word. Anyways... so he gave the test and failed, and he didn't get to enroll in any of the programs. He got angry at the institute, blaming them for taking his money (the test cost $50). It's like he doesn't realize the institute took his $50, tested him and determined that he won't be able to keep up with the class (which costs several thousand $) so really they saved him money. One thing I've realized with him, it's always everyone else's fault, never his own.

Since failing that test, after a lot of nagging, he enrolled in a free English course. He went for a few days, and he's given that up too. Apparently the course went into summer break, and mid-September he got a call from the teacher asking if he's going to resume classes or not. I couldn't tell you what they actually said because as I mentioned he's prone to misunderstand, but he understood it to mean that does he want to continue with the class or should they remove his name from their list. He had his name removed from attendance. He was angry with this institute (that provided FREE classes btw) because they didn't call to tell him when class was starting. I told him that it's the students responsibility to find out when classes start, teachers don't hunt students down to babysit them and make them come to class. Anyways, so he's not enrolled in the free English class either. I found him a free online course in introductory business. The class is amazing, if I do say so myself. Every week covers different topics, has extensive video lectures, study notes, and a great forum of classmates who discuss the materials, not to mention a very involved professor and TAs (I can't believe its free!). He was upset that he couldn't find a "proper" job, and since he was upset he quit that free business course too after only doing a week or two. I do have connections that could help him find an entry level job if he was qualified!! He refuses to do anything to get qualified! He wants everything just handed to him!!

Now he still wants an entry level office job, and he hasn't done a thing to improve his English writing / comprehension skills. He's still at the restaurant job I got him, and I don't know what he did to piss them off but they're giving him the barest minimum of hours. He works perhaps 2, max 3 days a week, and even then not 8 hours a day. He complains when he gets good hours a day, he complains when he gets no hours. If his work calls him on short notice to pick up a sick persons shift, he either refuses, or goes but lectures them to give him advance notice, or doesn't pick up their phone call. He wants me to give him an office job. He insists he can do the office job and thinks that I'm just putting him down when I tell him to improve his English. I introduced him to some of my coworkers and managers, and he managed to botch that up completely. He remained mute the entire time, saying "yep" and "nope" to anything they asked him. I actually had two coworkers from different departments ask me if he's very shy at home too or perhaps he doesn't understand our English accent because when they asked him a question he didn't say anything more than "yep". I'm very outgoing and I'm not at all easy to embarrass. Having said that, I've never been more embarrassed in my whole entire life.

I pay for everything, obviously. He is broke, he has no qualifications and he's not trying to get qualified. He wants an entry level "white collar" office job position handed to him which he is completely not qualified or even able to do. His family back home needs money and they tell me about their needs constantly. I found him a lot of "blue collar" jobs (cleaning, construction, etc) which had great hours (40 hours a week) and good rates considering the circumstances (avg 14/hr). He didn't even apply. He refuses to do those jobs. He works in a restaurant and complains that it's so hard. He used to get better hours at this job but he refused to work nights, and I guess he managed to piss his bosses off on more levels than one, they've almost completely docked his hours. A friend of mine is one of his bosses and I think it's because of our friendship that he's still employed.

I work at least 40 hours a week, if not more. I graduated and have been working in my field for almost ten years (since co-op days). I'm also enrolled as a full time student at university, studying something completely different because I want to switch fields. So I'm working full time, studying full time (don't even ask how), paying for my studies out of my pocket (no loans!), and supporting our expenses (rent, bills, groceries, etc.). I know marriage is about forever through good and bad, rich and poor. I'm not resenting that I have to support him now, but I wish he would do something to help himself so he at least has a chance to support himself sometime in the future!!!

Before we got married he was full of BIG talks. He wants to support the family, he thinks its a husbands job and privilege to take care of his wife and family, etc etc. At the time I was impressed by his ambition and ethics. Now I realize that he's just full of big talk and no follow through actions. He's not only like this with me; he's like that with his family too. He hoisted a huge financial burden on his family telling them that they should do it and he will send money to help and he never sent a penny. Now they're stuck with the responsibility and the financial burden without the help he promised.

I stumbled across my ex's blog. He seems so happy with his wife. They seem so much in love. They vacation several times a year, he takes her shopping at brand name stores. I'm here struggling to pay my bills with a husband who doesn't even try to learn English. I invested and enjoyed so many years with my ex. We obviously had bad times, which became extremely horrible after we married which is why we split up after such a short haul. 

Nowadays I can't seem to get over my past memories. I remember how we (ex and I) would go on long drives, he would surprise me and take me to different provinces, we would go out every day, eat out every week, go watch the latest movies, etc (before being married of course). I miss those times like its a physical ache. I feel extremely hopeless and helpless, and so very alone. I will never have that again. I will never ever have a partner buy me a birthday gift (my first bday with husband he gave me a $1 card with the sticker still on it, second birthday he gave me a potted plant), I'll never have a partner surprise me with a trip or even movies, or even a night out where I don't have to pay. I will never have that what I took so much for granted. I feel so embarrassed of him. I introduced him to my coworkers, some of whom are my closest friends, and I've never felt more embarrassed in my life. I feel so alone. If something happens at work, I have no one with whom I can share and who will actually understand. If I face a challenge with my classes, I have no one to talk it over with. 

I'm so disappointed in him that I don't feel that I love him anymore. We don't have sex; I feel cheap to be physical with a guy who I'm so utterly disappointed in. What is wrong with me? Is it my looks? Am I so ugly that any guy who's with me falls short one way or another? Are my expectations too high? My ex was abusive, as I mentioned he would threaten physical harm, kick me out of his house in the middle of the night on several occasions, was extremely verbally abusive to my family and me, etc. Now he's perfectly happy with his wife. I invested ten years of my life in him to end up abused, disillusioned and divorced, but he's giving the best of himself to the new girl. Even the job he has, he has because of me. I not only hooked him up with the job but when our mutual boss was about to fire him, I begged her not to, and she told me that against her better judgement she didn't. I miss him so much. My husband is unmotivated and honestly, not trustworthy because he talks big and never delivers (e.g. the wedding ring). He says he'll do things, even the smallest thing, and doesn't do it. 

Most of all, he needs me to hold his hand through everything. He told me that he wants me to sit him down everyday, make him read a few pages from a book, and then make him write a page or two. This broke my heart. I guess its unreasonable of me but this really broke my heart. Since that conversation I feel so emotionally distance from him. It's like, I felt alone and 'on my own' before, but him saying that I need to hand-hold him like that just confirmed how utterly alone in this relationship I am. What has my life come to that I need to hand-hold a 30something year old man and teach him the ABC's. I'm a bit of an academic overachiever and my ex was extremely smart. He was always my biggest competitor and biggest helper in school / college. If I needed anything, like help with school work, needing to go anywhere, buying a car, selling something, etc. anything at all, he was there for me. And I hope he felt that I was there for him the same way. 

I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help comparing between the two. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be enough for the men in my life? The past is past, but is there anything I can do to help my current situation?

I don't want to leave my husband, I don't even want to consider divorce. That's not even an option. I'm in my 20s, I don't want a second failed marriage. I want to help our marriage. What can I do? I want to be in love with my husband, I want to respect him and trust him. How? Am I just one of those people that's never happy? I'm not meant to be in a relationship? What's wrong with me???

Ps. Sorry about the huge post and my incoherent ramblings. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted (studying, working, and this...). I have midterms in two days. I feel so utterly and extremely alone. I have to be the decision maker for EACH and EVERY thing. He stays home all day and I have to call and tell him to put rice on the cooker so I have food when I get home, he doesn't do that by himself. Is he depressed? God knows I'm depressed. Maybe depression is a medical term and doesn't apply here. I'm just miserable and feeling completely alone and hopeless. Hense my rambling incoherence. I hope through it all I've managed to convey my situation and ask my question. 

Thank you in advance!


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## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Just because your first husband remarried and posted happy pictures, doesn't mean that they are happy. He could be abusing her as well. You don't see it because it's not something that people talk about.

I've been married for almost 13 years. At the start of our marriage, we were both immature. I think I matured faster than him. I went to school, got my nursing degree. For the longest time, I was the sole provider in our family. He spend his time playing online games and only worked very part time. This was definitely the frustrating stage of our marriage. I thought about leaving him many times. 

Things got better. Over the years we've grown closer together versus apart. He's my best friend. I cannot imagine living life without him. Right now I'm in school full time to finish my master's degree while he's working full time and then some to support us. I couldn't be more proud to have him as my life long partner.

You have to ask yourself, do you love him? Have you given it all to support him? I believe every story is different. I'm sure he has his side of the story too. You'll have to find the answer to the questions within yourself and then decide whether to continue on with this marriage.


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you Moiraine for your reply! Man, my post is *SO LONG* I was afraid no one would answer because no one would have time to read the whole thing :-/ (of course I only realized how long after I posted...).

Leaving him is not an option at all. Happy or miserable, I want to stay with him. I don't want another failed marriage. Having said that, I definitely want to make my marriage a happy one. 

He's a nice person, but just extremely LAZY. I've tried being nice, mean, ignoring it, paying special attention to it, etc. basically everything I could think of ("it" meaning his need to improve himself academically OR get a job that gives him better hours). I don't know what to do anymore.

Your post gives me hope  Thank you!


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Nothing is wrong with you. You are just facing the consequences of the choices that you have made.



Pseudonymousse said:


> he gave me NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. Not even flowers. I know this seems petty but i wasn't expecting that. It's one of those "small straws" that break the camels back.


The reason he didn't give you anything was because he has no motivation to. He didn't really have to woo you. He already has you with minimum effort on his part so you can see why he doesn't feel the need to put more effort in your relationship. 




Pseudonymousse said:


> he likes to depend on me for each and every tiny little thing, and he doesn't know and doesn't know how to figure out...well, anything.
> 
> he has not sufficiently tried to get himself a better job, and he doesn't want to enroll in an English course because he doesn't feel he needs to learn the language.
> 
> ...


One useful piece if advice i can give you is to take him to see a psychiatrist because most of what you have said about him are signs of mental illness. The lack of motivation, fear of failure, unable to make decisions, unable to cope with school work and so on, are all behavioral manifestations of some kind of mental disability. If you do get a diagnosis you should have a better feel for what to expect and how to deal with him. Does he have other issues like a short attention span and poor listening skills? 



Pseudonymousse said:


> I'm not resenting that I have to support him now, but I wish he would do something to help himself so he at least has a chance to support himself sometime in the future!!!


A good start for this would be to stop enabling him and seek medical help for him. Furthermore do not become his family's sugar mama, you will regret it for the rest of your life (you wrote about his family asking you for financial support). Looks like the hand holding hasn't worked (it generally doesn't, if you are dealing with mental illness) another option would be challenging his ego (if you have the ability to be a little mean). Suggest to him that perhaps working for a living may not be his cup of tea. 



Pseudonymousse said:


> I stumbled across my ex's blog. He seems so happy with his wife. They seem so much in love. They vacation several times a year, he takes her shopping at brand name stores.


Stop looking up your ex-H and driving yourself crazy. Its very easy to write anything on blogs. For all you know it may just be the positive side of his story. People rarely bare their inner demons to friends and family. That being said, you should realize that your ex-H's emotional and relationship status should have no bearing on your own unless you are still hung up on him.




Pseudonymousse said:


> I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help comparing between the two. What is wrong with me? Why can't I be enough for the men in my life? The past is past, but is there anything I can do to help my current situation?


The reason you get nostalgic over the 'good times' that you had with your ex-H is because you cherish that part of your past. But you should remember that those 'good times' also existed when you left him. Its just that you compared the 'bad times' you had with the good and made a rational decision to end it because the bad times were far worse than the good ones. 

It isn't fair comparing your DH with your ex-H because as you rightly determined this is a rebound relationship.Your desire to stay married even though noble, IMHO won't stand the test of time. You are so unfulfilled and desire something better that when you do meet the guy you want you will have no other option but to drop your DH to regain your sanity. (that is unless you have been so damaged by your former relationship that you have started to fear being in relationships .. i thought i read something to this effect in your looooooooooooong post  )

Nothing is wrong with you. Its your low self esteem that makes you feel this way. You just haven't met the right guy. There are tons of guys out there who would cherish being with you and give you what you want. Its just that you don't know who they are (or lack the right mechanism to find them).

Here is what i can suggest for you -

- start seeing an IC to improve your self esteem
- appreciate what you have in life rather than focus on what you don't. You have a loving family, great career, great academic record, that's more than a lot of people could hope for
- accept that there is only so much you can do for your DH. Ultimately only he can fix his shortcomings in life 

I truly feel for you and what you have gone through. One thing that will be interesting to know is at what point in these sequence of events did you (wrongly) decide to end it all. I hope you have managed to confront your inner demon. Good luck with your exams!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pseudonymousse said:


> Leaving him is not an option at all. Happy or miserable, I want to stay with him. I don't want another failed marriage.


Wow. So you would stay with a man who has absolutely no redeeming qualities and is an absolute MOOCH - and probably thinks that is what women are FOR - just so you can say you didn't fail in this marriage?

I need a loan. Wanna give me some money? I promise I'll pay it back. Some day.


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> Good luck with your exams!


Thank you .. I will need it!!  And in response to the rest of your post:

@Bluelaser:
You're right, he didn't get me anything because he didn't feel the need to. It didn't even occur to him that the registration day is actually a special day that he should have made some effort for. This guy is brilliant at anniversaries. Last anni he worked 12hr overnight shift, came home, showered and took me out for the whole day. And boy does very good in the gifts department anniversary time. Don't know why he blanks out on bdays.

I read my own post over again. I made this guy sound like a loser. Needless to say I was pissed at him and feeling pretty down when I wrote it. That's the thing with these forums. We only hear one side of the story told from the perspective of the mood the writer is currently in. I didn't talk about the good things about him at all. I didn't say that he literally went door to door to every store, fast-food restaurant and what not looking for a sales job. I didn't mention that the absolute most important people in my life are my family members (parents, siblings), and that every time he cooks something new he takes some of it to their house so they can try it too. Last winter he did just that. He cooked some dish that took a day to prepare and make, put a generous amount of it into a container and took the subway / public transit to their house. Dropped it off and came right back home (it was late night, I hadn't come home yet so he didn't want to chill at parents for too long). Even when I'm away on trips he goes over to their place to check on them and have dinner with them. He often cooks new food items and takes it over. He loves and shows love to those I love. This is a huge element that was missing from my previous relationship. My ex viewed everyone I loved as a competitor. My hubby gets up every single morning cheerful, smiling, wakes me with kisses no matter what happened the night before. As I said I'm studying full time, he cooks, cleans, does laundry and basically takes care of everything in the house so I am free to study. 


Taking him to a psychiatrist is actually very good advise! There is definitely something wrong. This guy is... okay, WAS a hard working person. He grew up very poor in a 3rd world country and had no one to help him financially when going through school, college & university.  He did anything and everything (well, almost) to pay his way through university. Growing plants then selling them, catching fish and selling them, etc. Tutoring was the most normal thing he did. All of his friends talk about him like he is assertive and self confident. Not what I've found getting to know him at all. Something is definitely wrong. The guy who can pay his way through university selling plants and fish, doing odd jobs and tutoring, can't be the lazy person I see at home every day. Even when he was abroad and he went through several months of no work (layoffs, etc), he lived off of his savings. I offered to loan him money loads of times, and each time he thanked me and said that I should just pray for him that he finds work quickly and that my mental support is all he needs. I know mooches, and this is definitely not the characteristics of a mooch.


As far as challenging his ego... err, I might have taken that to a whole new level! lol I won't go into details, but I think I've transformed into a very mean wife. I don't think this is helping him very much. I'm going to book an appointment with a psychiatrist at my earliest convenience and take him. That's really a great idea! Once we can identify what exactly is wrong we can help him help himself. Perhaps I might get some of my own issues sorted then too.


You are absolutely right. All of the cherished "good times" I've had with my ex were there when I ended it. The bad times outweighed the good times BY FAR. I won't go into how that relationship went down. I'm not the kind of person that gives up in a relationship easily. Ours degraded to a point where I would have preferred, and at some instances prayed for, death over being with him.


As I mentioned, I was single for 7+ years before getting involved again. If I am brutally honest with myself, I expect the relationship to eventually fail so instead of being supporting and trying to fix what needs fixing, I'm finding the holes in the fabric of our relationship, sticking my finger through them and making them bigger. It's like, I expect it to fail so might as well fail now before I get even more attached. And if my "high school sweetheart" could hurt me so badly despite the fact that we grew up together, he knew me from when I was a kid but none of that stopped the madness, then what will make this guy who doesn't know me for very long any better? 


If I think absolutely rationally, excluding extreme situations (of abuse, etc), generally we can choose to be happy or unhappy. If I choose to only focusing on the bad elements in my marriage and block out all else, then I will be throwing myself the greatest pity-party ever (kind of what I have been doing the last few weeks). If I instead chose to see the big picture and realize that something is wrong, and when I signed up to marry this guy, I signed up for all his good times AND his bad. That basically means not abandoning him when something is wrong with him. I imagine that would mean that I need to put my little party to one side and focus on him and his needs; figure out what's wrong and help him. Sort of like I hope he would do for me should I ever go through a slump in my life. 


Getting rid of my ex was not a mistake. It was the one good thing I did in all the years I've been with him. He is not an evil person (I realize that now), and I don't think I'm evil either. But we just had opposing views on everything. I know that nothing excuses abuse, but I think if we weren't so different (I'm very opinionated and he was passive aggressive until after a point he dropped the 'passive' part), things would have been different. He can obviously succeed in a relationship, he seems to be doing great in his current one. We were just too different to work out. It was extremely hard letting him go. We were together for so long, I didn't really know how to be me without him. But I let him go because I knew that I could never make him happy simply because I could never be or do what it would take to make him happy, and in my mind at the time, it was better I hurt him once and get it over with, rather than string along a relationship that I know wouldn't work and ultimately take away his youth and his choices. 


Thank you so much for your advise. I really do appreciate it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most likely depressed. You usually get better therapy from a psychologist, but a psychiatrist is able to dispense meds.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

If your DH is a good guy and has done well in the past then maybe its just bad luck holding him back. Give it time and things may turn around. I guess if the mean attitude hasn't worked then there is no reason to continue that. After all he isn't trying to make you miserable on purpose so there is no need to do that to him (or torture him by withholding sex.  )




Pseudonymousse said:


> We only hear one side of the story told from the perspective of the mood the writer is currently in.


This is really the key, isn't it? Without a positive perspective to weigh someone against, it generally looks a lot worse that it actually is.



Pseudonymousse said:


> He can obviously succeed in a relationship, he seems to be doing great in his current one.


It generally takes a failed relationship for someone to learn and improve upon, sadly other people pay the price for it. 




Pseudonymousse said:


> Thank you so much for your advise.


You are very welcome.  It is one of those rare posts where i didn't end up offending the OP


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

OP I'm really struggling to see what was ever in this for you and what is ever going to be in this for you?

I don't understand why leaving him is not an option - if you don't he'll be a drain on you for the rest of your life. I haven't read a single thing in your post that makes me think you've actually had any good times with this guy? It all sounds like an incredible lot of time, effort and investment for absolutely nothing in return


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You picked a guy with whom you are not compatible and who has no ambition or interest in contributing to the relationship. You're drained of your emotional energy in this relationship. You're unhappy. You're daydreaming about your abusive past because even that is somehow better than the empty you have now. Don't stay in this marriage.

Divorce the guy, get a counselor, and learn about yourself. Why did you pick a guy who controlled everything and then later one who controls nothing? Why did you go from one extreme to another? What are you hoping to extract from relationships with men who are not willing to treat you well? You don't have to be a victim of your own circumstances. Leave the marriage and figure yourself out before committing to anyone else again.

Better a failed marriage than a parasitic one!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you TOLD your husband how you feel about him not contributing?


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> You are very welcome.  It is one of those rare posts where i didn't end up offending the OP


LOL @ your comment  You know what, as I said most of us when writing on forums are at an emotional high, so we rant and rave and what not. By the time a response comes around we've calmed down, so when we read a response that was written solely against what we wrote during that emotional time, we might not like it, and get offended. I understand that and keep that in mind when reading replies.  

Someone else commented asking why I'm enabling a complete mooch, etc. I can totally see why reading my first post (uhh...book rather!) someone would say that. 

Honestly as long as I don't let the "trees" cloud my view of the "forest", I know he's going through a hard time. He's a decent guy who's going through a hard time. I need to give him a chance and at least try to help him. It's easy to cut my losses and run, that really is the easy way out. It doesn't matter why I married him (i.e. rebound). Point is, I married him and I owe it to our relationship to put my current feelings aside and give it my all. 

I gotta say he doesn't make this easy for me. Just last night I came home and saw he did all the laundry. Great, right? I then realized he had strewn all the semi-wet clothes over my super expensive couches to dry... WT*!? Grrr....! X-(


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> Have you TOLD your husband how you feel about him not contributing?


I told him that I don't mind paying for everyone now but I want to see that he's trying to better himself. For him that means go back to the basics and enroll in an English course. We talk about this a lot. Last conversation I was trying to hold my temper and not be so verbally demeaning (I'm horrible, I know), and he said himself that he feels he's becoming the guy who expects things to be handed to him instead of having to work for it. He gets it, it's not like he's clueless. The problem is he doesn't want to enroll in an English course. He thinks he can learn it himself at home. He doesn't, obviously. He gets discouraged and the cycle continues. I even got him the entire Rosetta Stone English learning series. He breezed through the whole thing. 

Maybe I'm misrepresenting the situation here. It's not that he can't communicate, but that he can't communicate well. His comprehension could really use improvement. I feel because he's not confident over his speaking abilities, he doesn't pay attention, and ends up misunderstanding. It is true that he needs practice more than anything, but it's hard to get writing practice at home unless you're super dedicated, which he doesn't seem to be. 

A few days ago when he had that epiphany of wanting things handed to him, et all, I told him that I'm willing to support us (our rent, bills, etc. He pays his personal cellphone & traveling costs) as long as he uses this opportunity to better himself. I told him that in the past he had the excuse of not having anyone's support and that's why he had to pursue the cheapest degree instead of an employable degree. He doesn't have that excuse anymore. I know it's a huge blow to his pride that I'm supporting us... I'm not going to bring it up again until a few months from now if I see he's still not doing anything.

I don't know, is this guy waiting for me to enroll him in an English class myself? Like pay for the class and put his butt in it? Is that what he's waiting for? Should I do it?


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

moxy said:


> You picked a guy with whom you are not compatible and who has no ambition or interest in contributing to the relationship. You're drained of your emotional energy in this relationship. You're unhappy. You're daydreaming about your abusive past because even that is somehow better than the empty you have now. Don't stay in this marriage.


I wouldn't say we're not compatible; we complement each other. He's good in many ways that I'm not. In fact if others had a fly on the wall view of how we live, they would probably question why he's with me! I am sometimes so extremely frustrated (school, work is doing it, on top of which he's not helping) that I lash out and end up being really demeaning. He has ambition but is so sunk in God knows what (depression maybe?) he doesn't know how to dig himself out. I understand that feeling. I've been there with my weight. Depression makes me fat. The more depressed I get the fatter I get, the fatter I get the more down I get, and the cycle continues. It's incredibly hard to pull myself out of that rut. I've pulled myself out and lost 63lbs. It can be done, but takes almost super human strength over emotion. He can do it. I just need to find a way to trigger his personal need to do it. 



> Better a failed marriage than a parasitic one!


Agreed. The moment I notice him becoming parasitic I will bail ship  Unless he bails first, that is. I am pretty mean when I want to be, and nowadays I find myself more mean than anything else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pseudonymousse said:


> I don't know, is this guy waiting for me to enroll him in an English class myself? Like pay for the class and put his butt in it? Is that what he's waiting for? Should I do it?


 Of course not.

You have already set the stage for being his Sugar Momma; if you don't stop it NOW, you will NEVER get him to contribute. You're already losing any semblance of a window of opportunity to set a standard.

Look. I don't care if he cuts your roses and makes you pancakes every day. Right now, your #1 Emotional Need from him is Financial Stability. You have told him, he has ignored you. That's all there is to say. He KNOWS what you need from him and he CHOOSES to not give it.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Pseudonymousse said:


> I wouldn't say we're not compatible; we complement each other. He's good in many ways that I'm not. In fact if others had a fly on the wall view of how we live, they would probably question why he's with me! I am sometimes so extremely frustrated (school, work is doing it, on top of which he's not helping) that I lash out and end up being really demeaning. He has ambition but is so sunk in God knows what (depression maybe?) he doesn't know how to dig himself out.


You seem to want to stick this out. If so, you should:

*1) Get him some help so that the situation improves.* 
-- Convince him to see a good counselor. Depression is a tough thing to deal with and getting the right mix of meds and therapy can help him overcome it more effectively than just hoping it will pass. People stuck in depression do tend to just stay still and immobile, emotionally, and don't have the energy to dig themselves out. Help him find the superhuman strength to do so by encouraging him (a lot!) to go get help ASAP. Even with help, it will be a struggle.


*2) Make very sure that you are taking care of yourself so that you have the resources to handle things because he isn't going to be able to pick up any slack for you until he is better. *
-- Planning for individual and shared goals, exercising, dressing up, eating right, sleeping, socializing, hobbies, and meditating/spiritual strengthening/journalling/some form of self-centering will help you stay on track, too, so that resentment doesn't build while you're enduring his illness.

Additionally, get some independent counseling to get past your own issues, because that way you will be stronger and more able to identify what you want out of life and how to get it.


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