# Boundaries, Appropriate Talk, Respect



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Let's talk boundaries, appropriate talk and respect....

H, W, GF or BF...any relationship, is sexual innuendo talk/banter with the opposite sex while in the company of one's (H, W, GF, BF) appropriate at any time? Does it show little or no respect for the significant other? When does it get to a level that it is over the line?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Can you define sexual innuendo/banter? 

General discussions about sex don't bother me but flirting is a no go. 

I also have a big problem with "wandering eyes". If a man can't keep his attention on me when we're together then we are probably not compatible.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lila said:


> Can you define sexual innuendo/banter?
> 
> General discussions about sex don't bother me but flirting is a no go.
> 
> I also have a big problem with "wandering eyes". If a man can't keep his attention on me when we're together then we are probably not compatible.


It would be more towards flirting. For me, a sexual joke is fine. But a pointed sexual reference is a no go for me as well. Wandering eye is a no go for me either. 

But..for example, someone stating, "I'm bringing up the rear." as a statement during a card game(losing) being played to which that person gets an answer with, "I would like to bring it up the rear." And to keep this in context and why I would like a discussion is this is what my DD boyfriend does in front of my DD. He will pointedly say things like this to whatever female is in the room. My DD just says "Wow" in a bit of disbelief but kind of a nervous giggle at the same time. She does not set a boundary. Her BF does not see or realize this is disrespectful. 

Our DD is young(24). This is her second BF(26). She either does not know how to handle/address this ever growing problem or she is ok with it. I detect as well as my W that she is not ok with it but does not know how to address it. The underlying question is how do we address the problem or do we let our DD address the problem on her own? Are W out of line getting involved. We know our daughter(the people pleaser) who will probably laugh it off.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Let's talk boundaries, appropriate talk and respect....
> 
> H, W, GF or BF...any relationship, is sexual innuendo talk/banter with the opposite sex while in the company of one's (H, W, GF, BF) appropriate at any time? Does it show little or no respect for the significant other? When does it get to a level that it is over the line?


Well, we don't consider it INappropriate, but it depends on the circumstances and with whom we're speaking. There are some boundaries, of course - any direct suggestions or actions of a sexual nature would cross a line. We certainly don't want to offend our friends, either. We both know our boundaries, so we don't think there is any disrespect for each other. Other people will have their own boundaries - there is no one right answer to this, IMO.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Hmmmm....I'm not sure. A regularly used quip is probably NOT a hill to die on, though I can relate to the sensitivity toward a daughter/child.

However, overt and specific flirting is a definite no-go.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> Hmmmm....I'm not sure. A regularly used quip is probably NOT a hill to die on, though I can relate to the sensitivity toward a daughter/child.
> 
> However, overt and specific flirting is a definite no-go.


It is definitely not a common quip. I'm ok with those. It is overt, specific and pointed to what the conversation might be. It is also nonstop.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Well, we don't consider it INappropriate, but it depends on the circumstances and with whom we're speaking. There are some boundaries, of course - any direct suggestions or actions of a sexual nature would cross a line. We certainly don't want to offend our friends, either. We both know our boundaries, so we don't think there is any disrespect for each other. Other people will have their own boundaries - there is no one right answer to this, IMO.


In this situation and what is being said my W and I can definitely see her expression and nervous laugh that our DD does not care for this talk.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He obviously is a dumbass and your DD needs to fix her picker.

She needs to know it's ok to dump his ass with your blessing.

IMO I'd have a cool calm discussion about this and give her some much needed guidance


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> He obviously is a dumbass and your DD needs to fix her picker.


For the win!

The question still remains, do we as parents intervene? We have had to in the past as our DD really did not know how to handle a very bad situation with her first BF.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> He obviously is a dumbass and your DD needs to fix her picker.
> 
> She needs to know it's ok to dump his ass with your blessing.
> 
> IMO I'd have a cool calm discussion about this and give her some much needed guidance


We plan on the guidance, however, I plan on going to the source(her BF) as well. This nonsense happens in our home. I'm certain it happens elsewhere. I will have them both sit with me at the same time. No he said she said. No mincing of words. Flat out discussion on respect, boundaries and appropriate responses.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> But..for example, someone stating, "I'm bringing up the rear." as a statement during a card game(losing) being played to which that person gets an answer with, "I would like to bring it up the rear." And to keep this in context and why I would like a discussion is this is what my DD boyfriend does in front of my DD. He will pointedly say things like this to whatever female is in the room. My DD just says "Wow" in a bit of disbelief but kind of a nervous giggle at the same time. She does not set a boundary. Her BF does not see or realize this is disrespectful.
> 
> Our DD is young(24). This is her second BF(26). She either does not know how to handle/address this ever growing problem or she is ok with it. I detect as well as my W that she is not ok with it but does not know how to address it. The underlying question is how do we address the problem or do we let our DD address the problem on her own? Are W out of line getting involved. We know our daughter(the people pleaser) who will probably laugh it off.


My 25 yo daughter was dating someone like you describe for a year ... I called him pun-boy because he seemed to only be able to speak in "puns", some of them sexual as in your example.

He uttered a particularly sexual pun in my presence on one occasion (group setting) and I said "Wow, you really are crass aren't you?" _So yes, I got involved._ My daughter and I discussed this incident later in private and I explained to her why it is disrespectful and NOT funny.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> It is definitely not a common quip. I'm ok with those. It is overt, specific and pointed to what the conversation might be. It is also nonstop.


In that case, I would give your daughter some script and tools to tell him to KNOCK it off or not let the door hit him on HIS rear!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> For the win!
> 
> The question still remains, do we as parents intervene? We have had to in the past as our DD really did not know how to handle a very bad situation with her first BF.


Hell yes your are her parents. That's part of your job bud.

My daughter dated this guy while in college. He was a loser and very controlling.
I took her aside and told her real black and white what i saw and told her she needed to end it. In no uncertain terms.

She didn't like it much and was distant with me for @ 2 weeks but then a light bulb clicked on and he was history. She and we are much better off for it.

You know more than your DD does because you have lived 
I've longer and are therefore wiser. 

Be a great dad and save her from this senario. Lim this dumbass BF be someone else's problem


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

The other option is to put the fear of God in him yourself.
Tell him when he disrespects her he disrespects you and you don't deal with disrespect well.
He may just think he's being edgy and funny, doesn't realize how disrespectful it is. Either way, the above approach solves the problem and makes it about you and him, excluding your daughter per se.
This is how I'd handle it with my daughter.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I do find sexual banter in private, between lovers, appropriate and lots of fun. Otherwise, no.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> We plan on the guidance, however, I plan on going to the source(her BF) as well. This nonsense happens in our home. I'm certain it happens elsewhere. I will have them both sit with me at the same time. No he said she said. No mincing of words. Flat out discussion on respect, boundaries and appropriate responses.


IMO he may hide this but probably not alter who he is. It's part of her growing up and learning.

He's not your problem. Your DD needs guidance you aren't her friend you're her father.

My son had a close friend once who got busted for drugs in HS. I cut him off permanently. This friend called came over want to hang out as he learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah.

I told him I don't do second chances with my son. Stay gone.

As I suspected it was all BS. He never changed his behavior and was just putting up a smokescreen. Don't take a chance here


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> In that case, I would give your daughter some script and tools to tell him to KNOCK it off or not let the door hit him on HIS rear!


But our daughter will not say anything. She will hope that it goes away. It has not gone away. In fact, it has gotten a bit increasingly worse. Hence my plan to intervene. If he does not like it...then so be it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> IMO he may hide this but probably not alter who he is. It's part of her growing up and learning.
> 
> He's not your problem. Your DD needs guidance you aren't her friend you're her father.
> 
> ...


The thing is my W has advised our daughter this is disrespectful. My W has talked with our daughter in the past with other problems similar to this. She either usually ignores the problem and carpet sweeps. Of the one very serious problem with her first BF where my W did talk with our daughter I had to eventually step in which included an arrest of the BF. I'm at the juncture now were I need to step in.

You are probably dead on with not changing who the BF is but I sure can do my best to help our daughter change who she is and gain some self respect and learn to speak up.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> I do find sexual banter in private, between lovers, appropriate and lots of fun. Otherwise, no.


I'm with you 100%.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> The other option is to put the fear of God in him yourself.
> Tell him when he disrespects her he disrespects you and you don't deal with disrespect well.
> He may just think he's being edgy and funny, doesn't realize how disrespectful it is. Either way, the above approach solves the problem and makes it about you and him, excluding your daughter per se.
> This is how I'd handle it with my daughter.


This is the option I'm taking. I have the both of them front and center this Thursday. However, my daughter does not need to be in the room. I believe he thinks he is being edgy, funny and some kind of stud. Sadly, it is all the opposite. It is happen in my home and in front of me. I have had enough as my daughter appears to not know how to handle it. If everyone knew how to handle every relationship issue we would not need Dr. Phil or TAM.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> It would be more towards flirting. For me, a sexual joke is fine. But a pointed sexual reference is a no go for me as well. Wandering eye is a no go for me either.
> 
> But..for example, someone stating, "I'm bringing up the rear." as a statement during a card game(losing) being played to which that person gets an answer with, "I would like to bring it up the rear." And to keep this in context and why I would like a discussion is this is what my DD boyfriend does in front of my DD. He will pointedly say things like this to whatever female is in the room. My DD just says "Wow" in a bit of disbelief but kind of a nervous giggle at the same time. She does not set a boundary. Her BF does not see or realize this is disrespectful.
> 
> Our DD is young(24). This is her second BF(26). She either does not know how to handle/address this ever growing problem or she is ok with it. I detect as well as my W that she is not ok with it but does not know how to address it. The underlying question is how do we address the problem or do we let our DD address the problem on her own? Are W out of line getting involved. We know our daughter(the people pleaser) who will probably laugh it off.


He would not have done that but once in front of me. PERIOD.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> But our daughter will not say anything. She will hope that it goes away. It has not gone away. In fact, it has gotten a bit increasingly worse. Hence my plan to intervene. If he does not like it...then so be it.


I was like your daughter. I didn't know HOW to stand up for myself. I just let things happen, worried that some terrible thing would befall me if I bucked the status quo. I was 30 before I learned to say "NO!"

Give your daughter tools NOW. My parents rescued me my whole young life, and it really handicapped me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> This is the option I'm taking. I have the both of them front and center this Thursday. However, my daughter does not need to be in the room. I believe he thinks he is being edgy, funny and some kind of stud. Sadly, it is all the opposite. It is happen in my home and in front of me. I have had enough as my daughter appears to not know how to handle it. If everyone knew how to handle every relationship issue we would not need Dr. Phil or TAM.


I'm glad you realize it needs to be addressed. I would be more concerned about what my daughter learned from this. She's young and doesn't have the wisdom, knowledge or skills yet.

People learn how they can treat you. This is a great opportunity to teach her


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm a pretty easy going guy but there are things that I will never put up with. I have two daughters 17 & 19.

This is how I would handle it .... but then again this is just me.

When it happens I would get up, walk over to him, place my hand on back of his neck, not squeezing but firmly..

" Son, since you don't mind being disrespectful to us I'm going to treat you the same. If I ever hear anything else like that again
out of your mouth in front of me, my wife, or my daughter I'm going to show you to the door. Do I make myself clear?"

Your daughter is going to be upset with you but appreciative at the same time ( but she will never say this).

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> I'm a pretty easy going guy but there are things that I will never put up with. I have two daughters 17 & 19.
> 
> This is how I would handle it .... but then again this is just me.
> 
> ...


In this day and age putting hands on someone like that can be considered assault. 
Years ago a late teenaged man disrespect his mother in my house in my presence and not having any other choice literally carried him by seat of his britches and scruff of his neck and threw him off my porch into the yard. So I can relate But I wound up with a busted wall from the scuffle. In my neck of the woods putting your hands on someone as suggested will cause physical confrontation and one better be willing and capable of backing it up. 

Much better to offer a polite non-physical warning first.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

At least be cleaning your gun while telling him. 😎😎

Mostly kidding, but there can be no gray area in clearness when you share the be respectful talk with him.

It won't go well if there has to be follow up talks.

There are many ways to do. 

You can "tell a story about a friend who thankfully learned" this/that, then make it personal. 

The direct verbal and hand on neck approach, maybe not the best at first, but definitely a tool in the box to take out as needed.

The direct verbal, given with a way he can acknowledge yet give him a way to move forward without "losing face" yet sure he's clear on requirements.

Surely mentioned he shouldn't go home with W, and complain of the talk to her, with her, blame her; because you're sure it's a one time thing, and you're planning to forget and keep moving forward, happy life, not dwell because you're sure he gets the point. 

Give him a role in protecting his W on this subject, not contributing to others being inappropriate in her presence.

Be nice, until it's time to not be nice, then you know you tried. Then going John Wayne in him is acceptable and encouraged.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> Let's talk boundaries, appropriate talk and respect....
> 
> H, W, GF or BF...any relationship, is sexual innuendo talk/banter with the opposite sex while in the company of one's (H, W, GF, BF) appropriate at any time? Does it show little or no respect for the significant other? When does it get to a level that it is over the line?


Personally, my boundary is easy. In all I say and do, in the way I live, I want it to be as clear as day that I am staying as far away from any inappropriateness with the opposite sex as east is from west. In other words, you can tell by the way I live and talk that I'm in a committed relationship and a one-man woman...I don't flirt with any "line." 

Soooo...if a bunch of guys are together and as guys they make some joke not relating to me or anyone that is present, but a general suggestive joke, I'm not thin skinned. It's just boys being boys. But if it's about someone present I do think that shows lack of respect, and if it were directed at me specifically, I would very literally shut it down in no uncertain terms. 

Using the example given ("Bringing up the rear"..."I'd like to bring it up the rear") I'd say if it was locker-room and somehow the topic of the back door came up...that's general and I'd laugh. If a guy saw a girl and said "I'd like to knock on that back door" I'd consider that disrespectful especially if that guy was in a relationship. I would consider saying something along the line of "I'm pretty sure GF would be interested to know that" (then again, I am fairly feisty). But if some guy said to me "I'd sure like to knock on your back door" I would say something along the lines of "Hey mister, you knock that **** off right now. That's not cool and I won't take those kind of comments from anyone, much less you."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> The thing is my W has advised our daughter this is disrespectful. My W has talked with our daughter in the past with other problems similar to this. She either usually ignores the problem and carpet sweeps. Of the one very serious problem with her first BF where my W did talk with our daughter I had to eventually step in which included an arrest of the BF. I'm at the juncture now were I need to step in.
> 
> You are probably dead on with not changing who the BF is but I sure can do my best to help our daughter change who she is and gain some self respect and learn to speak up.


Your DD FOR SURE needs to learn to open her mouth and stand up for herself, because clearly, she picks ****ty men. I fear she may one day pick one who knocks her around, based on what you have mentioned so far.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> For the win!
> 
> The question still remains, do we as parents intervene? We have had to in the past as our DD really did not know how to handle a very bad situation with her first BF.


Sounds like your daughter would benefit from some talks with you. I used to go on walks with my daughter, and we'd talk about stuff, I'd give examples of things in my life - what worked, what didn't - so she could learn from it, take what worked for her, see that you can stand up to a guy, things like that. I wouldn't talk about HER relationship, I'd talk about other people's stories so she wouldn't feel like I was telling her what to do. But kids in their 20s really haven't experienced all that much and don't actually KNOW what the right thing is in lots of instances.

She's still really young. My daughter is almost 29 and she still hasn't got it all figured out and she still comes to me for advice. I worked hard to create that relationship by never judging her, but also sharing real-world examples of what other people would and wouldn't put up with. If not walks, then maybe start going on lunches?1


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Let's talk boundaries, appropriate talk and respect....
> 
> H, W, GF or BF...any relationship, is sexual innuendo talk/banter with the opposite sex while in the company of one's (H, W, GF, BF) appropriate at any time? Does it show little or no respect for the significant other? When does it get to a level that it is over the line?


Personally, I think the word "appropriate" is useless. Far more useful would be to understand the impact on the feelings of one's partner. It gets to the level that it is over the line when it hurts or feels disrespectful to said partner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yep, the word appropriate is generally useless.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> It would be more towards flirting. For me, a sexual joke is fine. But a pointed sexual reference is a no go for me as well. Wandering eye is a no go for me either.
> 
> But..for example, someone stating, "I'm bringing up the rear." as a statement during a card game(losing) being played to which that person gets an answer with, "I would like to bring it up the rear." And to keep this in context and why I would like a discussion is this is what my DD boyfriend does in front of my DD. He will pointedly say things like this to whatever female is in the room. My DD just says "Wow" in a bit of disbelief but kind of a nervous giggle at the same time. She does not set a boundary. Her BF does not see or realize this is disrespectful.
> 
> Our DD is young(24). This is her second BF(26). She either does not know how to handle/address this ever growing problem or she is ok with it. I detect as well as my W that she is not ok with it but does not know how to address it. The underlying question is how do we address the problem or do we let our DD address the problem on her own? Are W out of line getting involved. We know our daughter(the people pleaser) who will probably laugh it off.


Any type of flirting is a no go for me. My GF and I flirt with each other in public and that is just how we are, we flirt all the time actually in public or in private. But doing it to someone else or allowing someone to do that to in my or her presence is a no go for both of us. 

We both understand that, it has happened and she cut it off at the knees before I had to whip his ass, and she knew what was going to happen. She stopped it and told him to F off...

No this type of thing is disrespectful to the other partner and is not OK...


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