# Help recognizing Wife for her effort



## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

First post on this forum - but big user of forums on other subjects.

Kind of surprised there isn't a sub for this, to the effect of '(in)fertility' issues. Anyway, wife and I of not quite three years have been trying to conceive for about 6 months. She's always had some hormonal irregularities but has never been specifically diagnosed. So, we're struggling with uncertainty in that area.

We've been having sex generally every other day for the last few months, with a few periods of frustration killing her desire. She shared with me last night that she is disinclined to want to have sex as if she doesn't think there is a chance to conceive, it reminds her of the frustration of trying unsuccessfully. But, we had above-average sex last night and I really want to show her I appreciate her concession.

Asking wives/mothers, what is a good way to go about recognizing her efforts? It is a bit prickly as I don't want to put too much pressure on her, and she REALLY does not like having dialogue about our intimacy and gets frustrated whenever we have to talk about intimacy issues.

Any ideas on how to send the correct message, without a discussion? Thanks in advance!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Candle light dinner?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My dh travels a lot, and is currently in Europe for two weeks. We skyped about an hour ago, and he was really engaged. Really looking at me, listening well, just into it. Not doing a business e-mail on the side, looking at something while I try to talk to him, etc. That full engagement speaks love to me.

What would speak love and appreciation to your wife, in your experience?


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Cleaning. The way to her heart is cleaning - she has some neuroticism here, she would admit. So, it is tough for me to put extra special effort into cleaning - that's just called Tuesday at our house


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

maverick23 said:


> Cleaning. The way to her heart is cleaning - she has some neuroticism here, she would admit.


You are so lucky. My wife NEVER EVER cleans ANYTHING. It's very annoying.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Dude, you are walking into a minefield of misery and buying right into her definition of marital sex.

Your wife is not giving you a concession. Your wife is experiencing part of the joy of marriage. You should never ever act like she is doing something horrible and just did you a big favor.

Your job is not to thank her for "doing her duty" but to maintain that sex in marriage is not for making babies, it is for maintaining the emotional bond between a husband and a wife that babies need. And if it's becoming something else, then you should NOT BE TRYING FOR BABIES.... 

That's pretty much how you show her what it means. When she starts associating sex with negative, you should start decideing not to have babies until sex becomes fun again.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Why don't you write her a letter--not to thank her for great sex, but to acknowledge how hard these months have been, and to tell her how much you appreciate her as a woman and a wife and an individual? 

Then read it to her over the candlelight dinner.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Dude, you are walking into a minefield of misery and buying right into her definition of marital sex.
> 
> Your wife is not giving you a concession. Your wife is experiencing part of the joy of marriage. You should never ever act like she is doing something horrible and just did you a big favor.
> 
> ...


i have to agree with much of this. on the other hand, i bet the wife is a bit depressed over the lack of success conceiving. that can really screw with her mind. help her get her mind right.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Dude, you are walking into a minefield of misery and buying right into her definition of marital sex.
> 
> Your wife is not giving you a concession. Your wife is experiencing part of the joy of marriage. You should never ever act like she is doing something horrible and just did you a big favor.
> 
> ...


While I would agree w/ this in a general sense, I can tell you from firsthand experience that fertility issues can absolutely and completely -- if only temporarily -- change the way that a spouse feels about sexual intimacy. To struggle month after month after month, dealing w/ countless appointments, injections, pills, schedules, false positives, etc ...it can be very emotionally draining, and can leave either spouse (or both spouses) just completely spent.

Mav, a gentle approach is likely in order here. Obviously I don't know you or your wife, so I don't know what will work for you. For me, personally, I tried to be as attentive to my wife's emotional states as I could be (they can change during all of this, a lot), and to reassure her at every turn that yes, I did want children -- *our* children.

We're still struggling w/ infertility ourselves, and are currently taking a break, though there are other factors involved (preparing to move for new job). Not sure where you're at in your own "infertility journey" but perhaps a break is in order...?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

With tenderness and love in your eyes, you tell her that no matter what happens you will always love her and her hot body! Then remind her not to let sex be tainted as a result of the fertility frustrations. And ask her to talk about her feelings. Chicks dig being asked about their feelings, particularly after the husband has read her a love letter over and candle light dinner with lots of wine and a big chocolate cake!

Damn...off to bake a cake!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mav, one more thought...

At so many times throughout our own infertility issues, my wife felt like she'd just absolutely failed me as a wife because she hadn't been able to "give me" children. It hurt to hear this from her, so I told her this (or something very near to it)...

"Sweetheart, I married *you*. I didn't marry your ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, cervix, vagina, or hormones. I married YOU. You are my wife, and I love completely. You are not my wh*re, concubine, or baby-making machine; you do not exist solely for either my sexual gratification or the perpetuation of my seed. We will get through this, and we will do it together. Please don't think -- for even one second -- that you've failed either of us. It's not that *YOU* haven't been able to have a baby -- it's that *WE* haven't been able to have a baby. We're a team and we'll get through this *together*."


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Great stuff guys - thanks. Here's a love letter I think I am going with - comments welcome (sometimes I can completely miss the mark when I am having a one way dialogue):

I want to write a letter to do something special and nice for you during this period of our lives. Firstly, I can’t express to you what kind of feelings I have about baby making with you. Besides actually doing it (), the idea of it feels like a combination of Christmas morning, looking forward to an awesome vacation, re-living great childhood memories but moreover creating new ones that I missed, and happy memories of our wedding day. 
Being the super-optimistic baby-making cheerleader may not be what you always need given the uncertainty surrounding how we’re going to get there. While that role feels most natural for me, I am learning more and more how the worries affect you in less than obvious ways and my blind optimism might not be what you need. After all, your mental and physical well-being are paramount to making a healthy baby so I am happy to be stretching myself to play different roles for you. Of course, being scientific and logical don’t always work either since nobody has given us any straight answers yet. It will bug me to try and go through a process that I don’t understand, and that no professional can explain to me, but it will be a great experience for the both of us and our marriage, and make us better partners and parents by stepping out of our comfort zone.
I really don’t care how we get there. Definitely haven’t given up on unassisted conception: can’t rule that out. Twin pills? Twins could be fun  lots of jokes and pranks I can work with, having twins. IVF or adoption, that’s fine too. Those hardships build character, and I see not a problem but an opportunity for us to grow closer to one another.
Surely you are feeling all over the place on a daily and weekly basis, and so am I to a lesser extent. Some days (like the amazing sex we had last night) are happy and passionate, while some are just depressing and filled with tears. Let me share with you my secret to happiness that may help you on a down day. All I do is remember that you and I are married to each other, and that means we signed up for a lifetime together. We have fun, we build things, clean things, go on trips and share time with friends and each other. We try to conceive, and we try harder, and we work towards that goal. But I didn’t marry you because I am fixated on some future state – I married you because you are you and any life spent with you will be a rich one. Tough experiences that we have, I will be thankful for because it builds our marriage. And our marriage is a great thing that isn’t going to leave us, but will take us to soccer practices, or sailing around the world, or both. In any case, we’re together, so that’s good enough for me.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maybe replace "so that's good enough for me" with "and that's all I've ever really wanted". Other than that, not bad!

Maybe let the ladies chime in first though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

maverick23 said:


> Great stuff guys - thanks. Here's a love letter I think I am going with - comments welcome (sometimes I can completely miss the mark when I am having a one way dialogue):
> 
> I want to write a letter to do something special and nice for you during this period of our lives. Firstly, I can’t express to you what kind of feelings I have about baby making with you. Besides actually doing it (), the idea of it feels like a combination of Christmas morning, looking forward to an awesome vacation, re-living great childhood memories but moreover creating new ones that I missed, and happy memories of our wedding day.
> Being the super-optimistic baby-making cheerleader may not be what you always need given the uncertainty surrounding how we’re going to get there. While that role feels most natural for me, I am learning more and more how the worries affect you in less than obvious ways and my blind optimism might not be what you need. After all, your mental and physical well-being are paramount to making a healthy baby so I am happy to be stretching myself to play different roles for you. Of course, being scientific and logical don’t always work either since nobody has given us any straight answers yet. It will bug me to try and go through a process that I don’t understand, and that no professional can explain to me, but it will be a great experience for the both of us and our marriage, and make us better partners and parents by stepping out of our comfort zone.
> ...


This is lovely! But I am very worried that you spend a great deal of time talking about becoming parents when she is wondering if it will ever happen, is not feeling confident, wondering if she is the problem....

I suggest you rewrite it to exclude all parenting references except for one at the very end. If we become parents, we will be fabulous.

You want to support her and reinforce your marital bond. Don't confuse the coparenting bond with the marital bond. Huge mistake a LOT of parents make.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

maverick23 said:


> Great stuff guys - thanks. Here's a love letter I think I am going with - comments welcome (sometimes I can completely miss the mark when I am having a one way dialogue):
> 
> I want to write a letter to do something special and nice for you during this period of our lives. Firstly, I can’t express to you what kind of feelings I have about baby making with you. Besides actually doing it (), the idea of it feels like a combination of Christmas morning, looking forward to an awesome vacation, re-living great childhood memories but moreover creating new ones that I missed, and happy memories of our wedding day.
> Being the super-optimistic baby-making cheerleader may not be what you always need given the uncertainty surrounding how we’re going to get there. While that role feels most natural for me, I am learning more and more how the worries affect you in less than obvious ways and my blind optimism might not be what you need. After all, your mental and physical well-being are paramount to making a healthy baby so I am happy to be stretching myself to play different roles for you. Of course, being scientific and logical don’t always work either since nobody has given us any straight answers yet. It will bug me to try and go through a process that I don’t understand, and that no professional can explain to me, but it will be a great experience for the both of us and our marriage, and make us better partners and parents by stepping out of our comfort zone.
> ...


So nice, so heartfelt, so full of love--great letter, Maverick. I especially love the last part, where you stress how you look forward to life with her whether or not it included children. I'd lean toward more of those sorts of affirmations, and fewer musings on how the process has been frustrating. I think it's okay to say more about how you understand that this is hard for her in ways that perhaps you don't or can't understand. Although the infertility is certainly affecting you, too, as AnonPink pointed out, women often see it more as a personal failing. Sometimes they think that even their own husband can't understand. 

A very close friend of mine is currently writing a book about her desire to have children, her struggle with infertility, and how crushing it has been to her identity and her vision of herself to give up that dream. I've been with her through every step of the way, and it's been heart wrenching at times. The support she has received from her husband has been amazing, even as he dealt with his own pain. Hats off to you for recognizing that your wife needs some extra love and understanding, and for being caring enough to seek advice on how to best provide it.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Thanks again for the continued feedback. Dropped that letter off unedited (I speak from the hear; read:too stubborn to edit) in my wife's scrub pocket when I dropped her off for work this AM - she sent a nice text (her version of a nice text). Curious if she will still be thinking about those things when we see each other tonight.

Anyway, data point there for folks. She did point out my typo - husbanc instead of husband. Typical wife.


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