# Give Warning Before Asking For Separation?



## thunter (Dec 2, 2012)

Here's my story - been married for 15 years, we married very young at age 21, we have two kids one 3 years and one 6 months. We are very close friends and good at parenting together. We never fight, we are also never intimate...

I'm tired of being married, and am feeling smothered by her, she really has no friends or life outside of me...

I want to start with a trial separation to make things easier for her, and I've been thinking about it and planning it, going over what I will say (something like "We've married 15 years, and I need a break...")

Here is my question, should I give her some type of warning sign before announcing the separation? Tell her that I'm not happy and I don't feel connected to her emotionally or in any way other than as friends and co-parents?

I love her and do not want to hurt her, so I want to make everything as smooth as possible for her and give her time to transition.

The problem is that I've made up my mind 100%, and if I give a "warning signs" talk I don't really want to try to work things out.

thunter


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

you've made your mind up 100% without even discussing it with her or trying to work out your problems?

that's what my ex did to me - let me tell you right now that it will hurt her, she may end up really hating you for it. You have all the control in this situation and you know it. Stop with the 'wanting to make it as easy as possible' stuff - you may find it easier to live with yourself if you think like that but this won't be easy for her, not by any stretch of the imagination.

If you're set on doing it just do it, let her go and find someone who respects her enough to actually communicate with her rather than dismiss her without even a conversation


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm definitely thinking there's other reasons for wanting a separation or possible divorce. Springing it on her that you suddenly want to leave will hurt her and the children immensely. 

Certainly tell your wife how your feeling and work on your marriage. Divorcing is very hard on the children. I see a very big difference in my own children since I was divorced prior and brought a child into the marriage. It was very hard on her emotionally and physically going back and fourth between the two households. Her behavior is much much different then her sisters. All 3 girls are raised by the same rules.

Communication is extremely important. It's one thing my husband and I are good at. We work on our issues right away. If we didn't, we'd hold resentments towards each other.


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## thunter (Dec 2, 2012)

I believe that what our marriage would need most is some space so that we can become individuals, more of ourselves, as I mentioned, we married at 21. What would be the best way to bring this up with her so we could talk about it?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

thunter said:


> Here's my story - been married for 15 years, we married very young at age 21, we have two kids one 3 years and one 6 months. We are very close friends and good at parenting together. We never fight, we are also never intimate...
> 
> I'm tired of being married, and am feeling smothered by her, she really has no friends or life outside of me...
> 
> ...


Huh??


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

[email protected] the comments.

I see your point, and I totally understand. I'll be following this one to see how it plays out.

My personal opinion is that one way or another, you need to let her know that it's not working for you. 

Despite what everyone else here says, there's simply no nice way to break this news silently. Trust me, you could do one year of couple's counselling, go through the entire runbook, and gradually bring her to this point, and she will find another excuse to hate you for it.

Bottom line is - the odds are that she's going to hate your guts for this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My STBXW gave me a "two-month warning" announcing the "trial separation." She said that we needed space apart from each other and that we could work at R better from two different locales.

Truth be known, there was never any original intent on working things out in the R arena, at least for her, as she richly used this separation ploy to foster two different covert EA/PA's with two OM from her past.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

The thing that jumps out at me, Thunter, is that although you've been married 15 years, it's only in the last 3 years that you two became parents.

You've got 2 kids under 3 in the house! It's almost inevitable that your relationship (as a romantic couple) is going to take a dive during this period. 

So my question for you is whether things were good 4 years ago when you decided to become parents? If so, then in the interest of your family I'd say that you should approach your wife about trying to reestablish the two of you as a couple as the priority in your marriage, rather than as co-parents.

Separation may well give you space, but chances are she will need to put all of her attention into keeping things together for the kids. Thus, rather than have her think about how much she misses you and needs to be a better spouse, she may well be incredibly angry at you for abandoning her and the children. (I understand it's not your intention to abandon the kids, but I think that is how it will feel to her


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

thunter said:


> Here's my story - been married for 15 years, we married very young at age 21, we have two kids one 3 years and one 6 months. We are very close friends and good at parenting together. We never fight, we are also never intimate...
> 
> I'm tired of being married, and am feeling smothered by her, she really has no friends or life outside of me...
> 
> ...


One big mistake that you have done is not include her in your feelings. In a marriage/partnership you should always communicate to with your significant other. When you are already 100% sure you want out and she doesn't even know about it, then there's something wrong. Maybe you should not have waited so long. You should have given her the opportunity to become more intimate an affectionate towards you. So many view divorce as the easy option . With that bring said

Start talking to her. Tell her your feelings. She deserves your respect as your wife and mother of your children. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> you've made your mind up 100% without even discussing it with her or trying to work out your problems?
> 
> that's what my ex did to me - let me tell you right now that it will hurt her, she may end up really hating you for it. You have all the control in this situation and you know it. Stop with the 'wanting to make it as easy as possible' stuff - you may find it easier to live with yourself if you think like that but this won't be easy for her, not by any stretch of the imagination.
> 
> If you're set on doing it just do it, let her go and find someone who respects her enough to actually communicate with her rather than dismiss her without even a conversation


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

thunter said:


> I believe that what our marriage would need most is some space so that we can become individuals, more of ourselves, as I mentioned, we married at 21. What would be the best way to bring this up with her so we could talk about it?


What's there to talk about? You've already made up your mind 100%. What can she possibly say to you?

If I were you I'd probablt say something to her like "Honey, you know how self-centered and selfish I am so I've decided that I should be with me and only me after I asked you to be a part of my life. I know I never bothered to tell you about the problems I see so we could have worked on them together but hey, that's me!"

Just leave her already and make it quick. She deserves someone who will truly love and appreciate the way she builds her world around the one she loves.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Toffer said:


> What's there to talk about? You've already made up your mind 100%. What can she possibly say to you?
> 
> If I were you I'd probablt say something to her like "Honey, you know how self-centered and selfish I am so I've decided that I should be with me and only me after I asked you to be a part of my life. I know I never bothered to tell you about the problems I see so we could have worked on them together but hey, that's me!"
> 
> Just leave her already and make it quick. She deserves someone who will truly love and appreciate the way she builds her world around the one she loves.



Seriously? Did this really need to be said in this tone??


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Caladan,

Sometimes I'm a little blunt and to the point. It's not that I meant to be a complete azz but this post did set me off. 

It seemed to me that OP really had no interest in trying to fix what is wrong with his marriage. Another example of people treating people as if they are just another throw away commodity in our society of planned obselence.

There are kids involved here and he's "tired of being married". Heck, I think most people feel that way at times but when you've gone and brought kids into the mix (and a 6 month old to boot!) I think you owe it to the kids to at least try and address the issues you have with your spouse before chucking it all.

Truth of the matter seems he's bored. He probably feels trapped being with the same woman for 15 years and even more so now that he has kids. 

Again, my aim was not to offend but to be brutally honest to the point that it may give him pause to think about what he's about to unleash. He will forever change the lives of 3 other people because he's bored, and two of them are so young and innocent and none of them see this coming. The only issue he raised about his wife's downside is that "she really has no friends or life outside of me..."

How is she supposed to develop a life and friends outside of him while raising a 6 month old and a 3 year old? He's lucky she's not a raving lunatic by the end of the day. I know because my wife and I had 3 kids and I know there were times she would practically jump out of her skin when I came home because she was overwhelmed after being home with them for 14 hours!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thunter,

How many hours a week do you take the children by yourself so that your wife can go out on her own?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Caladan,
> 
> Sometimes I'm a little blunt and to the point. It's not that I meant to be a complete azz but this post did set me off.
> 
> ...




Fairplay. Apologies for being so... in your face, I just really felt the venom of your post was so overwhelming as to be ignored by the OP. This clarifies everything and makes perfect sense. 
Again - sorry for my response, totally uncalled for.


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## Dubya (Oct 2, 2012)

You sound like you are checked out. Too bad. Probably worth trying, really trying, to reinvest in yourselves. 

Don't know if you have the communication skills or interpersonal skills required to pull it off though, given you have waited this late in the game. 

So, either way, fix your problems or this situation will surely repeat itself. 

My wife and I were where you were at a little over a year ago. We are in pretty good shape these days.

Read through some of the things on the marriage builders web site. Start with Three States of Mind in Marriage

There's a reason your approach isn't being well received here. It's filled with fallacies that many have been on the other side of. I know it seams bad right now, but you'll regret not giving it an honest shot.


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## indica (Nov 27, 2012)

Don't be the walk away spouse. (read up on this, lots of information about 'walk away spouse')

DON'T DO IT!

You have been married *15 years.* You just started a *beautiful family* together. You stepped up your responsibility big time by bringing kids into your lives.

You *love her and don't want to hurt her.*
THEN JUST DON'T DO IT!

I read you feel smothered because your wife doesn't have any friends. What I hear is that she has placed such value in your companionship that she doesn't seek others. I did the same thing as your wife, and it made me very unhappy and lonely myself. I expected too much from her companionship and when she couldn't fulfill me completely I got resentful. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough, I smothered more, and I got more resentful.
I'll tell you something - I am not like that anymore because I no longer expect my Wife to MAKE ME HAPPY, or to BE MY EVERYTHING. I'm responsible for making me happy, and I choose to do it in such a way that it doesn't negatively affect my relationships. A lot of it is just attitude and outlook on life. My world doesn't revolve around one individual, her OR myself. I got here by accepting that, and I am an infinitely more happy person now because of it. 
On the flip side of that coin, SHE had some of the same issues but not as severely. She had to stop ENABLING me to have these unreal expectations.

Like the other guy here said, how often to you watch the kids so she can go out? Also do you make it uncomfortable for her to go out, over any jealousy or other issues? Are you suffocating her without seeing it by wanting her to stay home?

After so long without being 'social' it may be hard for her to step back out again, it was for me! HELP your wife - talk about what she enjoys, there is a hobby around almost anything. Hell, get a sitter and go to something you think you may both like, go together and meet new people, meet old and young, singles and especially couples with healthy marriages. Maybe go to an event together and enter as 'strangers', have fun individually with others, and leave together. I guarantee you'll have something to talk about other than kids and the weather on the ride home!

Let me tell you something about intimacy. I have YET to meet a woman who doesn't CRAVE intimacy, I think it's how they're wired. SHE WANTS it and she WANTS it with you, or she'd be looking for it elsewhere. It can be incredibly hard to 'reconnect' after losing it, and new young ones in your life are a natural way to 'lose intimacy'. I can almost guarantee she wants it as bad if not worse, but YOU have to do the work to get it back.

My wife and I recently took a marriage enrichment course together, met some really great couples dedicated to their marraiges and had a great time. I want to talk to you about Dr. John Van Epp’s Relationship Attachment Model, something our course was built around. See the RAM board:








The rule is that in a healthy relationship, each bar to the LEFT has to be higher than the bar to the RIGHT. You have to Know someone before you can Trust them, you have to Trust them before you can Rely on them, you have to Rely on someone (know they're reliable) before you can Commit to them, and you have to Commit to someone before you can Touch (be intimate) with them.

It seems so simple but I believe without a doubt that it works. And you know how you Know someone? You communicate. Not talk, not listen, communicate.

Just do it, your family is worth it.

The other thing you said, I'm tired of being married? Lemme tell you something: get over it. GET OVER IT. You're bored, you think new and exciting would be good? Maybe you need to get a hobby too, take care of yourself. Your wife doesn't owe you excitement, and what she does, her commitment and love, it sounds like she's giving it to you.



Finally, don't think for a second that if you reject your wife, walk away from your vows, and test the waters for a while that things will get better. It is TRULY a last ditch measure only when all else has failed. Don't think that if you walk away, you won't be tempted to stay away. Don't think that the woman and family you walk away from will accept you back after you break the commitment and trust this badly.



Communicate with your wife, line up babysitters so you can go to a pro-marriage counselor, and take care of responsibilities so your wife can make friends and be the independant exciting woman you married in the first place. Things are going to get better, don't throw in the towel now because the finish line is right there.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Since you love her but you are going to leave her, tell her that you love her but you're not in love with her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

caladan said:


> Fairplay. Apologies for being so... in your face, I just really felt the venom of your post was so overwhelming as to be ignored by the OP. This clarifies everything and makes perfect sense.
> Again - sorry for my response, totally uncalled for.


No worries Caladan

Every now and then some of these posts set me off a bit and I tend to be both sarcastic and snarky with my replies


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## thunter (Dec 2, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the honest responses. 

I've decided to talk to her and see if we can work on becoming more independent as people in a way that does not make her feel threatened and does not threaten the marriage.

I thought I was actually being respectful and caring for her in my original plan, but I realize now I was just being selfish and wanting out too quickly...


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

thunter said:


> Thanks everyone for the honest responses.
> 
> I've decided to talk to her and see if we can work on becoming more independent as people in a way that does not make her feel threatened and does not threaten the marriage.
> 
> I thought I was actually being respectful and caring for her in my original plan, but I realize now I was just being selfish and wanting out too quickly...


Hmm. I'm not so sure you are, but yes it does seem so. Please if you can, do go ahead and try to fix things, we're always glad to hear about relationships that actually did get fixed.

Best of luck with this one brother.


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