# Is my husband a lazy lover? Or something else going on?



## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Hi all. I've been reading tons of threads on TAM and am so impressed with the amount of caring and insight so many of you folks demonstrate in constructing responses and questions regarding others' troubles. I've posted a couple myself, and have benefited from the advice I received - at least I feel like im not alone in my woes, and my marriage complaints are real issues and not just in my head. Thank you for that!

Now I am not grossly unsatisfied with my husband's and my sex life overall. I'd say we're pretty evenly matched, drive-wise, though I perhaps have a slightly higher drive than he, during normal circumstances. I am currently 6 months pregnant, so my drive is not what it normally is, and quite frankly, neither is his. I get it. Pregnancy takes a toll on me, and I'm certain he does not find my extra weight arousing. Plus, the impending birth of another baby adds stress to his life - something that I know weighs on him from time to time. 

I guess my issue is that I do feel myself becoming more dissatisfied with our sex life as time passes. So here's the back story. My Husband is my fourth partner, and he's also the only one that has been able to make me cum from penetration alone (otherwise, I require clitoral stimulation, and many times still do). Of course, earlier on in our relationship he was all about doing whatever it took to bring me to climax before him. However, as time has passed, he seems to care less and less about my sexual satisfaction. Sometimes I really struggle to cum, and sometimes I simply can't. That used to upset him and he'd offer to use the vibrator, or whatever it would take, to help me finish after he was already done.

Nowadays he seems to readily accept that I can't always climax. He rarely makes any further effort to help me cum once he has, and he seems to last for shorter and shorter amounts of time. The other night he joked that he "hates second place" and so came barely a minute after me getting on top. And then, as is often the case anymore, he just rolled over and continued watching tv. 

I've always considered sex to be about much more than me cumming. And often I've enjoyed the experience just the same, knowing it wasn't one of those times when I actually would climax. I truly enjoy pleasing him. I know what he loves(bj's of course) and do it quite often with no reciprocation. (He rarely ever goes down on me anymore - but I've never not cum that way, it's a sure thing for me.) So I guess I find myself increasingly frustrated with his apparent laziness and selfishness. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts, TAM. I'm willing to broach this subject with him. I just don't want to cause undue shame or hurt for him. But I also hate being continually unsatisfied, merely because he's being lazy (which he is in most of our relationship anyway, I guess, I just didn't think it would show up in sex too).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well he sounds lazy. You should demand more. Don't let him climax until you do for instance.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Sounds like he got lazy. Remind him how he used to be and that you need that back. You deserve all he can deliver and he isn’t delivering.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This is fixable but you are going to have to do a lot more communicating. When you said he rolls over and watches tv after he gets off...well if you've allowed this more than once without asking him to finish you off before he rolls away, then that part is on you. And sadly now you are going to have to try to make him understand that it is not ok with you for him to do this, even though you previously communicated to him that it was ok by not saying something sooner.

He's gotten lazy and selfish in bed but you have communicated through actions that you don't really care one way or the other.

Now you're going to have to explain that you do care and that you should have communicated that to him sooner. He likely will say words like "oh sure I can do that" but then he won't follow through. Then you will have to say it again. Then wait and see what he does. Rinse, repeat until he either gets it or you end up determining that he is just lazy and selfish, period. If he is, he's not going to change no matter how many times you ask.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Unless there is more that you are not telling us, it does not sound like it is anything more than laziness.

For many people it is simply part if their nature to do the minimum amount of time and effort that is required of them. I am talking about in general and not just about sex although for some people that carries over into sex as well.

I think you need to be open and honest with him that he has slacked off too much and his current level of participation is not cutting it. 

You can say that tactfully and in a non hurtful way, but most women are way too subtle and beat aroun the bush too much ( no pun intended) and it goes right over a typical guy's head.

You can be tactful and compassionate but you do need to be to the point.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Do you need/want to cum every time time you guys are physically intimate? I know my wife has communicated that its like a 50/50 thing and not always something she needs/wants.... but something i am always ready to bring her to.

I think the suggestion above are pretty good... communication. He needs to know that you want more and that this minimalist approach will not work (whether its fine 10,20,30,50% of the time, its up to you... quickies have their place i am sure)

Maybe try to pique his sexual interest.. if nothing new has been introduced into the sexual relationship you can try to introduce something new that you want him to do to you. (I wouldn't introduce anything for him, since hes already getting his fun and loads of BJ's already.. lucky man)... watch a 'oral techniques to make your women cum' video or something like that....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Lazy and selfish.

When he rolls over say ...what about my orgasm? Are you getting lazy and selfish on me?

Come on sexy make me cum!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Definitely lazy. It may have something to do with the pregnancy but shouldn't. I'd talk with him about not in bed when it isn't currently connected to intimacy. If things don't change I'd wait 3-6 months unit the pregnancy is completed. Then if there isn't a resolution to the situation. It would be time to take bolder action. Marriage counseling or letting him know that you don't want to be intimate if it is one sided. As a side note I'm a big fan of the We-Vibe he can slip it in before sex, most won't need much of a head start. And I find it is most pleasurable when a penis is added.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lazy, but also conditioned to be so.

Not really your fault, BTW, so don't take it personally. But at the same time, if you've never really demanded much from him, or you've "allowed" him to be like this, that doesn't help.

You're kind of between a rock and a hard place, I think. If you go on strike, or "work to rule", it's pretty 50/50 whether he'll get a spark from that or the complete opposite. Sex is tricky like that. You don't want to punish him, but at the same time, you're currently almost rewarding him.

You definitely have to temper your communication to him depending on his personality. Will he take it negatively? Or will he take it as a wake-up call? My wife tends to take criticism (constructive, gentle criticism) negatively. Just the way she is. So I have to bring things up in a roundabout way... sigh. I am the complete opposite - I embrace it from the people who love and care about me.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Thank you all for your advice and insights. He usually makes the changes - at least temporarily - when I talk to him about things. I'm not too worried about my communication with him on this matter being taken badly. And I always try to be considerate of his feelings and need for respect. 

We've just never really talked/had to talk about sex like this. I think I've been letting these things "slide" over the past several months because we have a lot of issues and he hates having to talk about any of them, so I feel like I really have to choose my battles. And sex just hasn't been at the top of my priority list. But his half-assed participation is definitely getting old and turns me off of sex - which is not like me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Do this @KM87...

You point to your head...

You point to your head and say, "You want 'this' to be happy?"

"If so, then you need to make 'this' happy", pointing right square dab at the middle of your love sandwich.

Tell him, "Got it?"

"Till you get it, you ain't gettin it!"

Wait until after this pregnancy is finished and every thing falls, slips, moves back into place.
Tell him after this pregnancy, "Change is coming. And I better be right behind, on top, underneath and coming, right there after".

Tell him, "My job is to make you come". Your job is to make sure I do not leave, before coming!"

What a wonderful honey-do list, honey-do tasking for a man. I am so jealous.


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