# Low Libido Marriage: I've Given Up!!!



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Married 12 years, Pappa of 3. Love wifey, treat her better than she's ever been treated in her life. She's an excellent mother, wonderful wife... personality = 10. Only problem, her Libido is like a 3. Mine is like a 9. If you asked me i would say sex every other day would be awesome, but i'd happily settle for only 2-3 times a week.If i leave it up to her, which i pretty much do now, since i stopped initiating months ago, we go about once every 2 weeks. I am not happy, rather resentful, but there's not much i can do about it. 

We've talked about it to i'm red in the face, she understands our differences, but just acknowledges she is fine to go weeks without it. Sure if i really pushed the issue i can get more, and i have in the past, but its not the sex i like. Unemotionally, drone sex from her that feels like a chore. So that's where i am at right now... just waiting for her, and hoping that one day she'll hit her peek. In the meantime, i get to listen to single guys who score all the time, while i suffer even though sex is sharing my bed with me.

Anyone else in this scenario?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

i know what its like. Talking wont help. How do you stop it feeling like a chore for her. Maybe youre just too good to her. It may sound crazy, but women have needs. If they feel they dont, like with you because youre so good to her they also dont have sexual needs.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Anyone else in this scenario?


Nope, nor will I be.

Married Man Sex Life


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

right there with ya man. best come to grips with it, aint likely to change


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Hope you don't mind posting from the female side. 

H and I have been married 7.5 years. Together 12. I admit it-when we were in our early 20s-my drive wasn't as high as my h's but I NEVER ever rejected him-even if it was 3am and I had to be at work in a few hours. I never wanted him to feel bad or hurt. 

Now, we're in our early 30's and the tables have turned. I want it at least 3 times at week and maybe get it once a week. It's not even the quantity-it's the quality. I ALWAYs initiate now, it's a chore to get him to be satisfied (sometimes hours)-I get rejected for any and every reason. We don't have kids.

I'm done. I'm sorry that porn is more important to him than me. I am at the point where I don't rebuff men in my life anymore.Before, I would be angry that a man would hit on me seeing my ring, but now I love it. I am not, have not and never will cheat but eventually the feeling of being wanted will take over and I will have to decide on a divorce. I do know there are men out there that would kill to have someone at home like me as opposed to porn.

I deserve better. Do you think you deserve better? At least in my situation-realizing that I deserve to feel loved and wanted helped my self esteem (which has been decimated by this at one point).


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You ought to make a separate post. You at least know the reason. He has an alternative. Is there any reason you dont have kids. It is harder for a man to 'force' himself. You shouldnt give up though.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I'm in a similar situation. If I keep initiating she has gotten better and seems into it, but I have to do ALL the heavy lifting. If we have an argument it has to be me that starts being physical again. Right now we have had a couple of huge fights recently. So this time I have done nothing physical and was waiting to see if it hit her radar...

It has been a couple of weeks and she has tried nothing. In fact, I see one of her toys has moved so I guess she took care of her itch herself. I know I could tray tonight and most likey succeed, but for some reason she won't make the effort.

I don't get it. If you guys find an answer - do share. The only saving grave is now that I am 40, I can wait a little longer before I start climbing walls.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mrs.1980,

Before you go to those extremes, do yourself a favor and get him to a physician.

He sounds like he may have ED or low testosterone - or a combination of the two.

Guys tend to freak out when the gun won't go off.




Mrs1980 said:


> Hope you don't mind posting from the female side.
> 
> H and I have been married 7.5 years. Together 12. I admit it-when we were in our early 20s-my drive wasn't as high as my h's but I NEVER ever rejected him-even if it was 3am and I had to be at work in a few hours. I never wanted him to feel bad or hurt.
> 
> ...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm hoping it gets better for you. My drive kicked in overdrive at 37. Later then most women, but I have severe pain I live with day after day 24/7 for the last 4 years. My drive is a 100 and and his is a 9.

Maybe your wife's drive has not kicked in yet??? 

My husband has always put my needs before his, maybe that has something to do with me wanting to please him all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Rob - I have 2 questions. Has she ever had a high(er) sex drive and how old are your children?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its a shame that some women can't see the forest through the trees on this issue.

and some men aparently!

I think for some women its the gatekeeper mentality. its excites them like foreplay when their man is always trying and they can reject them without any consenquce. a power trip. if you will.

they might not even realise they are doing it .

I just got fed up and stopped putting up with it. then one day she asked why I don't want to make love any more and I answered because your selfish about it. I told her I'd rather think about the hot red head at work than make love to someone who dosn't have the capability to show her husband desire. I told her sex in marriage should be fun and exciting not stressfull and selfish and that mybe our relationship has run its course and we should think about seperating.

since our matter of fact talk she has been trying harder but I'm on the fence. years of this BS has jaded me.

so my advice is to just not put up with it tell her now this is not working and is a deal breaker. but the key is. if you don't really mean it it won't work. if you let it slide to long the resentment will make it difficult to overcome.


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## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Mrs.1980,
> 
> Before you go to those extremes, do yourself a favor and get him to a physician.
> 
> ...


Thanks Conrad. I've been trying. He's too embarrassed to see a doctor. I've been begging him to go. I don't really think that's the issue b/c he has had some kidney issues and gone through some other pretty painful/embarrassing procedures. At first he was adamant that he wasn't going to go-now he "will make an appt in October, then November-Now I'm at January. He's only 32. So I years of this ahead of me if something doesn't change.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> *Maybe your wife's drive has not kicked in yet??? *
> My husband has always put my needs before his, maybe that has something to do with me wanting to please him all the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_I'm hoping it does, she's 35, it would be awesome if the light turns on before 40 and she starts jumping me._


waiwera said:


> Rob - I have 2 questions. Has she ever had a high(er) sex drive and how old are your children?


_Yes, earlier in the marriage, prior to kids, she actually initiated back then. Probaby 50/50. It was awesome, but just prior to our first... things started to eb. 10, 5, and a 1 year old._


eagleclaw said:


> I'm in a similar situation. If I keep initiating she has gotten better and seems into it, but I have to do ALL the heavy lifting. If we have an argument it has to be me that starts being physical again. Right now we have had a couple of huge fights recently. So this time I have done nothing physical and was waiting to see if it hit her radar...
> 
> It has been a couple of weeks and she has tried nothing. In fact, I see one of her toys has moved so I guess she took care of her itch herself. I know I could tray tonight and most likey succeed, but for some reason she won't make the effort.
> 
> I don't get it. If you guys find an answer - do share. The only saving grave is now that I am 40, I can wait a little longer before I start climbing walls.


_I'm climbing walls already... i just don't ask for sex anymore... but i'm extremely bitter._



Mrs1980 said:


> Hope you don't mind posting from the female side.
> 
> 
> I deserve better. *Do you think you deserve better*? At least in my situation-realizing that I deserve to feel loved and wanted helped my self esteem (which has been decimated by this at one point).


_I don't think i deserve a better wife, because she treats me like a king. I think i deserve a better experience. As spiritual as i am, i am pretty sure we only live once. I vowed to spend my life with this woman, and it kills me that i can't make love to her as often as i like. She has a great body, thick like i like it, and like i mentioned before, i suffer when hearing the storiese of single friends/relatives on their sexual exploits. Its just not right for a person who doesn't share a bed with a woman, having more sex than a guy who does.

Unfortunately, i think alot of guys are duped, duped by women who don't hate sex, but it isn't their cup of tea. They know this very early on, from the start of their sexual experiences, but they know in order to keep a man... they better break a man off in regards to early boyfriends. NOw... when its time for marriage, they know they gotta break you off just long enough... that it makes it harder for you to role out, especially once kids are involved. Put it like this... how many "non-married" relationships do you here this problem from. You don't. Do you know why? Because the guy... or girl if it applied... would be OUT!!! I could be wrong, but i sware that this applies to some people. Sorry for coming off so bitter, but its either me being very angry, or very sad... _


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mrs1980 said:


> Thanks Conrad. I've been trying. He's too embarrassed to see a doctor. I've been begging him to go. I don't really think that's the issue b/c he has had some kidney issues and gone through some other pretty painful/embarrassing procedures. At first he was adamant that he wasn't going to go-now he "will make an appt in October, then November-Now I'm at January. He's only 32. So I years of this ahead of me if something doesn't change.


The fact that he "doesn't" wish to go makes me ever more certain that you'll find part of your solution there.

Don't give up on it. Gentle - but firm. No anger.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Rob I reckon there's hope here... she was once a keen participater and you say she treats you like a king. She wouldn't do that unless she loved and respected you (even if she's not always showing it in the way you would like.

I have a high drive but it hasn't always been that way.

When we first got together we were 'doin the wild thing' at any opportunity...it was FAB. Then the babies came!
We have 3 boys who are now teens and older. When they were babies, at that climbing all over me all day stage I used to dread having my spunky, loving, kind (you get the idea) H wanting to climb on me at the end of the day. He has better technique than just 'climbing on me' lol... but that's how I felt about it at the time.
H used to ask me what a wanted from him...I'd answer to be left to SLEEP.

BUT once the youngest hit kindy/school age things started to change and I started reclaiming my own life/self back and our sex life greatly improved.
Then once i hit late 30's my drive shot up and is still there (i'm 44 now). Nowadays he has trouble keeping up.

I told my H many times how much I appreiciate it that he stuck by me and put up with my rejections which I know hurt him. He carried on being a great H and dad. 
I'm doing my best to make up for it now though...ahem.

Have you told your wife how sad and lonely (and bitter) you feel? I read you have talked heaps but have you told her how you FEEL.. I know lots of men hate that touchy feely **** but it's how many women relate to issues...how it makes them feel. You've articlated it so thoughtfully and well here...I do hope that carries on into real life. I remember my H telling me how rejected and unwanted he felt at times and it broke my heart. It made me want to work harder and be more giving towards him.

I do hope you two can get this sorted because it sounds like a loving relationship that has got off track.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Rob,
Who is the primary bread winner?




Rob774 said:


> Married 12 years, Pappa of 3. Love wifey, treat her better than she's ever been treated in her life. She's an excellent mother, wonderful wife... personality = 10. Only problem, her Libido is like a 3. Mine is like a 9. If you asked me i would say sex every other day would be awesome, but i'd happily settle for only 2-3 times a week.If i leave it up to her, which i pretty much do now, since i stopped initiating months ago, we go about once every 2 weeks. I am not happy, rather resentful, but there's not much i can do about it.
> 
> We've talked about it to i'm red in the face, she understands our differences, but just acknowledges she is fine to go weeks without it. Sure if i really pushed the issue i can get more, and i have in the past, but its not the sex i like. Unemotionally, drone sex from her that feels like a chore. So that's where i am at right now... just waiting for her, and hoping that one day she'll hit her peek. In the meantime, i get to listen to single guys who score all the time, while i suffer even though sex is sharing my bed with me.
> 
> Anyone else in this scenario?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I found the sex side of marriage most definitely varies as time goes by. What never left me was my attraction to and desire of my wife and I think she was more or less the same about me. It is so very key to a good sex life in marriage.

But I think it is down to the guy with the higher drive to be continuously creative about sex. Almost on an ever learning journey. Both of us were relatively inexperienced when we met and we joked we were learning as we went along. I think it immensely important for example for the husband to find and be consciously aware of his wife’s erogenous zones. A key zone of my wife was her shoulders. Another was her throat. Touch/caress/manipulate these areas and she’s off before she can help herself, kind of melts no matter how she’s feeling or what she’s doing at the time.

With three children I’d imagine your wife would seriously appreciate a relaxing massage with candles in the room and incense burning. It may or may not lead to sex and that should be the expectation, but she will more than likely have orgasms without needing to put any effort into it at all. But she will still be somewhat detached because she’ll have a weathered ear out for the children.

There really are so many ways a man can turn an essentially sexy woman on. After all it must be a pleasure for her or else why should she do it? I’m not saying you don’t know what you’re at Rob. Just that unlike those guys pulling and having sex you are in an exceptionally different situation. It should be they who envy you because you are in a stable and loving relationship but if we consistently want a decent amount of sex we do have to be very creative in these things.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

waiwera said:


> Rob I reckon there's hope here... she was once a keen participater and you say she treats you like a king. She wouldn't do that unless she loved and respected you (even if she's not always showing it in the way you would like.
> 
> I have a high drive but it hasn't always been that way.
> 
> ...


I've told her in so many words how i've felt. She isn't dismissive, but sometimes she says, "Is it about the sex thing?" and that makes me feel like, "Wow... this is how you see it...like a bothersome." I really wish she could walk into my mind, and 
see what i'm going through, as i'm unfullfiled at home, but have women checking me out everywhere i go. I'm not a GQ model by any means, but i a pretty decent handsome dude. I'm not suggesting i'd cheat, because i am no where near that, just i've lost that feeling of being desired at home. Women, have to realize, dudes (especially married ones) need this too.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Rob,
> Who is the primary bread winner?


_I am, she is a SAHM_



AFEH said:


> With three children I’d imagine your wife would seriously appreciate a relaxing massage with candles in the room and incense burning. It may or may not lead to sex and that should be the expectation, but she will more than likely have orgasms without needing to put any effort into it at all. But she will still be somewhat detached because she’ll have a weathered ear out for the children.
> 
> There really are so many ways a man can turn an essentially sexy woman on. After all it must be a pleasure for her or else why should she do it? I’m not saying you don’t know what you’re at Rob. Just that unlike those guys pulling and having sex you are in an exceptionally different situation. It should be they who envy you because you are in a stable and loving relationship but if we consistently want a decent amount of sex we do have to be very creative in these things.


_I've done these things, but she thinks i do it... because it will lead to sex. Same with the flowers i used to bring home, she think i did them... simply for sex. So i dont' do these things any longer. She isn't dissmisive or vindictive when she assumes i've done these things for "later" acts. So right now, with my every other day schedule, instead of "bothering" the wife, i go downstairs into my porm collection, and take care of myself. Sad that is what i've been reduced too..._


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

would you marry her again knowing how she is?

if not start making an exit plan. seperate your checking accounts. start doing your own laundry and don't let her do anything for you.
when she asks whats up just say I get it you don't have desire for me and now I don't have desire to be with you.


lets face it it true you wouldn't even be lying.
because before you know it it will be to late to get the desire back for her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To you her sexuality is alike a Rubiks Cube. To her it's not anything like that. It doesn't need a 'solution'. It IS solved. And yes I really think we do everyone a disservice by not admitting that there really are women (and a few men) who just want children. And afterwards, sex is over. Mission accomplished.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

To the OP:

You have identified two separate issues. The first is that sex is not always on her mind. The second is (derived from your phrase "drone sex") is that when you do initiate she is very passive and sex is stale and boring. Did I guess correctly on that one?

My take is that she cannot completely control the first issue. You might have to continue initiating, or she could agree to put it on her calendar, or you could romance her more and see whether that stokes her fire. But, you might just have to accept that she simply is not as physically hot for you as you are for her.

On the second issue, that is 100% on her. Once you are in the act, there is no reason for her not to be focused 100% on the act of the two of you pleasuring each other (assuming you have told her what you like and are willing to reciprocate).

My suggestion is that you focus on the second issue. Simply have a sit down with her and tell her what your expectations are and how they are not being met. Advise her that you expect her to be more participative and put more effort on your pleasure. You also must offer to do what she needs to feel open and uninhibited in the way you desire.

At the end of the day, her saying "I just do not want to" is not acceptable if sex is important to you. Sometimes (including here) love is an act as much as a feeling.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

*I am in the same boat..

Thing is, your wife doesn't see it as a problem, so in her eyes there is no problem. 

My husband is the exact same way. I have learned over the last 2 or so years.. The more they get hounded about sex the less they are going to want to do it.

You either learn to deal with it or get out.. Them wanting more sex is up to them and no matter how much you talk about it, it is not gonna happen like you would like it. I will just push them further away.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sometimes there’s more than that going on as well. If your wife is resentful and a passive aggressive (I think all resentful people are passive aggressive), then the more you say you’d like her to do something, the less of it she is going to do.

And that’s basically because she wants to punish and hurt you for offences committed in the past years or decades. So in essence it could be that your wife is persecuting and punishing you by withholding sex. And if that is the case and you do wake up to it and become aware of it, then the whole situation changes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That 1 year old is killing her drive I bet! Give her a couple years. One year olds are exhausting!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

One thing that helped my wife understand the male sex drive was hearing it from a third party. We attended a couples retreat and you could see it click. Because the speaker was saying some of the things I tried to explain to her she realized I wasn't just BSing in attempt for more sex. When we went through her "low libido" period we still had sex about twice a week. So it was never extremly low like some on here. After the retreat our sex increased but then I saw an uptick in the "do it cause I have to" sex. The last time she pulled that on me I rolled off. She asked why I stopped. I told her she wasn't into it and I can have more fun with my hand and baby oil. I went to sleep. Duty sex has not been in our bedroom since.

As long as she is in control of your happiness she will play it how she sees fit. I would try to find a retreat or course that deals with couples intamacy. You both will probably learn a thing or two and also get your feelings and concerns validated by an unbiased third party. Second thing I would do is the NMMNG sex moratorium. Use that to get over the chase for the next orgasm. Third the porn will be a constant reminder of what your wife isn't doing, building up resentment in you at a greater rate. I'm pro porn but just realize how it may hurt you in your current situation.Third thing is to recognize that this may be her. Decide if this is something you can deal with or if its a deal breaker. If it's a deal breaker then take steps in that direction.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> *would you marry her again knowing how she is?*if not start making an exit plan. seperate your checking accounts. start doing your own laundry and don't let her do anything for you.
> when she asks whats up just say I get it you don't have desire for me and now I don't have desire to be with you.
> 
> 
> ...


That's a tough one. She really is a wonderful person, and is a loving, caring wife and mother to our kids. I would hate to say this one thing would enough for me consider rolling the clock back. I guess it depends when you ask this question. Right now, i'd say, i'd still marry. When we able to steal away a night out of town last month, and only squeeze in sex once, no matter having almost a half a dozen chances, i really have to think hard on it.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

DTO said:


> To the OP:
> 
> You have identified two separate issues. The first is that sex is not always on her mind. The second is (derived from your phrase "drone sex") is that when you do initiate she is very passive and sex is stale and boring. Did I guess correctly on that one?
> 
> ...



You raise some valid points. Its like sometimes, she isn't there, like she detaches herself frrom the experience.... almost like looking at a watch in her head... "is it over." As you can imagine, i guy can pick up on this vibe, and if its your husband, he feels terrible. I once told her, if its a night when we hint about something jumping off, it would be nice if she was already lying on the bed naked, expecting me when i walk in. Instead, i come in, she has to book the book down she's reading or the Wii remote (netflix viewing)... its like i come in 2nd or 3rd in regards to those things. Baby oil massages, even that is greeted warmly anymore, because she now hates the feeling of being all slippery. I used to love seeing her... all "oiled up." Last month really was a dissapointment at the hotel, because she talked a good game about all this stuff we'd do. Striptease, that bed, was perfect for love making.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> That 1 year old is killing her drive I bet! Give her a couple years. One year olds are exhausting!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will have to agree with this, especially with him sleeping between us, yes i've committed a dirty deed, having your baby sleep with you. All fo them have once done it. But he's like a little CB... and doesn't even know it. We end up on the corner of the bed, which is awkward, cause i really can't "bring it" or on the floor, where once again, no matter how many pillow you put, its not the same.



Kobo said:


> One thing that helped my wife understand the male sex drive was hearing it from a third party. We attended a couples retreat and you could see it click. Because the speaker was saying some of the things I tried to explain to her she realized I wasn't just BSing in attempt for more sex. When we went through her "low libido" period we still had sex about twice a week. So it was never extremly low like some on here. After the retreat our sex increased but then I saw an uptick in the "do it cause I have to" sex. The last time she pulled that on me I rolled off. She asked why I stopped. I told her she wasn't into it and I can have more fun with my hand and baby oil. I went to sleep. Duty sex has not been in our bedroom since.
> 
> As long as she is in control of your happiness she will play it how she sees fit. I would try to find a retreat or course that deals with couples intamacy. You both will probably learn a thing or two and also get your feelings and concerns validated by an unbiased third party. Second thing I would do is the NMMNG sex moratorium. Use that to get over the chase for the next orgasm. Third the porn will be a constant reminder of what your wife isn't doing, building up resentment in you at a greater rate. I'm pro porn but just realize how it may hurt you in your current situation.Third thing is to recognize that this may be her. Decide if this is something you can deal with or if its a deal breaker. If it's a deal breaker then take steps in that direction.


Good advice. The duty sex is where i think we are having right now, that's why it seems so passionless. She feels as though, "Uh-oh, its been 10 days, i better do something before he get's PO'd." What she doesn't know is that i've been PO'd since day 5. Can't do without the porm, its about the only thing stopping me from cheating, well that and my morals. If i don't have a release, then i'm in serious trouble. Its not a deal breaker, because in the back of my mind, i try to remind myself, you married for way more ... than just sex. I try to convince myself, things will get better. Perhaps the first step, will get my son out of his bed. I have a bunk bed in the middle room. Time for him to share it with his brother, or get him a todler bed in the corner of our room or something. So perhaps i re-evaluate our situation, once that is done. If she's able to go 10-2 weeks, with no kid in our bed... then we really got issues.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Married 12 years, Pappa of 3. Love wifey, treat her better than she's ever been treated in her life. She's an excellent mother, wonderful wife... personality = 10. Only problem, her Libido is like a 3. Mine is like a 9. If you asked me i would say sex every other day would be awesome, but i'd happily settle for only 2-3 times a week.If i leave it up to her, which i pretty much do now, since i stopped initiating months ago, we go about once every 2 weeks. I am not happy, rather resentful, but there's not much i can do about it.
> 
> We've talked about it to i'm red in the face, she understands our differences, but just acknowledges she is fine to go weeks without it. Sure if i really pushed the issue i can get more, and i have in the past, but its not the sex i like. Unemotionally, drone sex from her that feels like a chore. So that's where i am at right now... just waiting for her, and hoping that one day she'll hit her peek. In the meantime, i get to listen to single guys who score all the time, while i suffer even though sex is sharing my bed with me.
> 
> Anyone else in this scenario?


I feel your pain! And I don't get it...this is the first time in my life that I'm with a man who can literally go weeks (probably months) without sex! I usually end up demanding it after a couple of weeks...because I can't stand NOT doing it. He will do it, but it's like a chore for him too, and as soon as I'm satisfied, he just stops...I love him so much. But this is a huge problem in our relationship and I don't know what to do!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> I feel your pain! And I don't get it...this is the first time in my life that I'm with a man who can literally go weeks (probably months) without sex! I usually end up demanding it after a couple of weeks...because I can't stand NOT doing it. He will do it, but it's like a chore for him too, and as soon as I'm satisfied, he just stops...I love him so much. But this is a huge problem in our relationship and I don't know what to do!


Curious...what's his exscuse? I think there is way more something with a man not caring, than a woman. We are pre-progammed to want it!!! Its like he's fighting against nature.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Curious...what's his exscuse? I think there is way more something with a man not caring, than a woman. We are pre-progammed to want it!!! Its like he's fighting against nature.


Well, I can forget about it when he's tired, if he's consumed alcohol, if it's the morning on the weekend, he'll do it, but he never 'finishes'...then there's 'we've been so busy', 'there are kids in the house', he has dry skin...

What I think? He (used to) watch too much porn and completely desensitized himself physically, which is why he can't usually finish...and he is on antidepressants. A deadly combination for MY sex life! Pfffft!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I wouldn't say that being a new mom and not being interested in lovemaking is selfish. But pretending there's no problem IS selfish.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, I can forget about it when he's tired, if he's consumed alcohol, if it's the morning on the weekend, he'll do it, but he never 'finishes'...then there's 'we've been so busy', 'there are kids in the house', he has dry skin...
> 
> What I think? He (used to) watch too much porn and completely desensitized himself physically, which is why he can't usually finish...and he is on antidepressants. A deadly combination for MY sex life! Pfffft!


Interesting. What's his forcast in getting off the meds? Its just the whole thing... is unfair to you. What kilss me about the situation like our is... one person is perfectly fine, while the other suffers. That just isnt' right.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Interesting. What's his forcast in getting off the meds? Its just the whole thing... is unfair to you. What kilss me about the situation like our is... one person is perfectly fine, while the other suffers. That just isnt' right.


There is no forecast! I have suggested that he go off, but he doesn't seem able / willing to. I've let it go to some extent, but I do worry, as I don't believe ADs are meant to be used all one's life!

And no, it isn't right. I have gone through the gamut with him, as usually when the sex dries up, there's a reason, such as an affair or something. But no, no affair that I can find evidence of. I was very suspicious for awhile, checked up on him found nothing. Hard to believe that his pills and his porn may have caused a lot of our problems.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm in that boat. 2 young kids - have pretty much given up hope and leave it up to her.

She asks me (literally asks me) if I want sex 2 to 3 times every 6 months or so.

Her drive was higher than mine when we first started dating 15 years ago but we were pretty much kids...now it's non existent.

It doesn't get better.

I want to read the various resources suggested here but I'm such a cynic.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

If the excuses not to get into it outweigh the reasons to get into it, you might be engaged in a zer0-sum game.
Do what you can for yourself.
I have been in the same boat for years now. I used to weigh 270 at 6'5" and saw what I had become. I lost weight, grew muscles and 180'ed. This made me healthy, but my SO become even more distant. I kept blaming myself, and bent over backwards to do all of things I have seen many women suggest in this forum, and it did not work. I worked out even harder, and caused a serious health problem and got down to a dangerous weight (175 lbs). Do NOT blame yourself! It's not your fault. Have a good talk with her and let her know how you feel. The ball will be in her court. Make sure to apologize for the decades old insult/slight/forgetting to take out the trash on Apr 4th 1993 and let her know that you have apologized and it's time to move on. Any other excuses will be BS. 
Live your life, and do more without her. Stop doing nice things for her, don't do her chores for her no matter how crappy the house gets. Sex is not an obligation, but is sure as sh!t is an expectation set before the vows. married man sex life is a good resource, and I highly suggest reading Athol's blog. It's helped me understand some things about myself. Also no more Mr. nice guy.


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