# Boyfriend Can't Deal With My Past (Racial) and Herpes



## DandelionCare (Feb 24, 2014)

I've been with someone for some times (couple years). We live together and have a mostly normal happy life.

There is always an elephant in the room. On our seventh date and before any real sexual interaction, I let him know I had herpes. You'd think this would be my biggest issue; but its not. But its related. I told him then, that if he can't handle it I understand and to not feel bad; but to just go and leave me alone. 

Well he came back and though we haven't had traditional sex, we have a sex life of sorts. I could give you lots of details, but let's not. After this long though, I asked him if we could start trying actual sex.

Here's where the issues come. He's actually getting used to the herpes and says he's really not that scared of it anymore. But when he starts to think about it, he thinks about how I got it. The deal is, for a year before I met him, I had some self destructive behavior. I slept around a bit, and had the company of black men. (I guess I should mention my BF and I are white).

He is disgusted by this. He's worked in manual labor jobs with not always the cream of the crop. He'd hear conversations black guys would have about degrading women and going bare back and all sorts of things that I can only envision in pornos. I keep telling him there were no crazy things like that; but no they were not relationships either. I always used condoms but obviously I got burned anyway. I didn't just pick them up at a bar, there was a basic friendship there and conversations. He just imagines all sorts of crazy things and I can't get him to understand what he's imagining is way worse than what it was.

He just told me the other day when we talked about this that on the seventh date, if I had told him I had been with black guys, that he probably would have left. That's how much worse it is to him. Incurable STD - I can deal. You had sex with a black guy - no way.

The hope I have is that he loves me, and he actually asked if I had wanted to talk about this. Before, he seemed to like the elephant to be quiet. He said he loves me, he's trying to work on it, and that after these many years with no traditional sex, he's still here by me so what's the problem?

I want to get married, and he wants to wait right now. I just don't' know what to do at this point - I'm scared in 5 years it will be the exact same.

To give more background: He had a much more conservative sexual past.

I think that's it...I'm sure there's other details but tried to keep a long story short...

So, what can I do? I can't go back and change it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He's hung up on the whole "sex with black guys" thing.

What can you do?

Wait him out. 

Either he'll work through it and be ok with it like the herpes thing, or he won't. 

Eventually, you'll know.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think a couple years with him still not having sex with you because of it is long enough to wait him out. I'd move on and find someone who accepts you and your past. He shouldn't be shaming you about it, he sounds a little racist which would concern me too.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I think the media plants a lot of exaggerated ideas about black guys in white guys' minds.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

John Lee said:


> I think the media plants a lot of exaggerated ideas about black guys in white guys' minds.


Yes! Like the fact that we'll never be able to match up to them or that they'll be stretched out or something.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Have a basic talk and ask him if can or wants to get over this. If you don't get a clear yes, I would call it a day on this relationship and find someone who isn't hung up about this.


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## chloe1023 (Oct 9, 2013)

This is not the problem of herpes. He did not accept your past, but I don't think he can handle the herpes totally. Maybe you should wait for his decision. Respect him. If he loves you, he will be back again. In addition, I myself has herpes too. I met the most magnificent man at #1 Herpes Dating Site for Single with Herpes, Dating With Herpes Singles for Love, Support & Forum! . It's been two years now and I'm still as excited to see him as I was the first day we met. He's amazing and he's helped me see my worth, something no one else has ever done. I love him with all my heart and I can't wait until the next time I see his face.


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## chloe1023 (Oct 9, 2013)

Hope it wotks for you too


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