# Divorced twice, Am I crazy to remarry?



## Robert1956 (Mar 20, 2014)

I am a 58 yr old male, well established, good job, own my home, retirement set, good physical shape,etc.
I met a woman with 3 kids 10, 14 and 15, 1-1/2 years ago who had gone through a bad divorce, SHE lived in her guest room to take care of the kids until her ex decided to get remarried and told her it was time to leave. I knew her from my gym for about a year and offered her a place to stay in one of my bedrooms until
she could get established. She is a massage therapist and photographer and helps me out.
Well, it wasn't supposed to happen, (yeah, I'm sure you've heard that b4) but she is 46 and gorgeous and yes, we started dating.
Her ex has the kids most of the time but we take them out and they stay with us some but we are 20 miles from their school district.
I do love her and she is wanting to marry. I have thought at times it was just how I have taken care of her that she wanted marriage, but there are many indicators that tell me she is truly in love.
We do church together, motorcycle, share friends, etc. 
My problem:
To marry her would mean that I have to sell my home in which I love and move to a place that is actually closer to work, but a place that I don't like as much to be near the school district and also live with her boys 50% of the time and be involved with their lives. I do like, but not love them. One has bad behavior occasionally.

Just asking for other thoughts here. Am I, as a 58 yr old, too old to get involved into a situation like this? I really hate to lose her and even more, hurt her feelings, but I just feel some reservations. I probably should just follow my gut feeling and keep praying about it.
Any input would be appreciated and thanks.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You may be crazy, but what is love other than a chemically induced obsession that eventually devolves into long-term dysfunction? Okay, I exaggerate!

It sounds a little like you have a rescue fantasy/white knight syndrome. I suggest you step back and try to see how various scenarios could develop in the future. And if you do decide to proceed, I strongly suggest you get a prenup. Of course, I may just be advising too much caution, but you are considering some major life changes, some of which clearly have negative consequences. The good had better greatly outweigh those, IMO.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Follow your gut. Don't do it. 

It's not about being too old. It's about the facts of the situation. You have a great life right now.You love your home and you love your situation. You aren't thrilled about her kids and I can guarantee they aren't going to be the most welcoming for you. 


This is one of those situations that you will be saying hindsight is 20/20 and you made a mistake with moving forward.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

To further that,she jumped from one man to another as far as being dependent is concerned. When is this chick going to stand on her own and stop relying on the men in her life to rescue her??

See if she can make it on her own before you go committing any part of your life to her. Like the other poster mentioned White Knight...take a step back and see the situation for what it is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> You may be crazy, but what is love other than a chemically induced obsession that eventually devolves into long-term dysfunction?


:rofl:

You should write Hallmark cards, Married!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

shes looking for security.

if you marry have her sign a pernup.

shes 46 and your 58?
shes divorced and the husband has the kids most of the time???? 

my vote is she sign a pernup or no deal!


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Robert-

I applaud you for taking the time to be introspective about this decision. 

It seems that a choice to marry her results in a lot of changes for you...and a lot of risks.

I'm in my second marriage (my husband's 4th) so there were A LOT of discussions prior to our official union together.

We talked often about the "biggies":
Sex (frequency/flavor/the connection it brings/our evolution as it comes)
Finances (money management/support for our kids/retirement/inheritances/etc)
Children (as mine are young and his are all grown up and on their own). My limitations due to proximity to school district. His level of involvement in parenting. What will our family unit look like.

Even with having discussions up front we still had/have issues we need to deal with as they come up. But we're willing to work on a solution as a team and not do anything without the other's enthusiastic agreement.

If I were you, I'd bring these concerns/thoughts to your gf. Talk with her about what your union would look like. Discuss areas where you can make it win-win situation. If there is something major (sex, finances, children) that an issue still resides....I would suggest holding off on marriage. 

P.S. may I also suggest a pre-nup (it really clears up a lot of stuff right off the bat).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

More to the story.
Why does she not have primary custody of her kids
Why does her divorce leave her without a home, while the husband gets kids, home etc? That's not very typical.

Also, hate to break the news, but yes women do their sexual lures to get men to provide and take care of them....


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What went wrong in her previous marriage that allowed her ex to treat her this badly and even drive her from the house (instead of him leaving)?

It also depends on just how much you love her ?

Also does she realise what she would be asking you to give up ?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> What went wrong in her previous marriage that allowed her ex to treat her this badly and even drive her from the house (instead of him leaving)?


So is it worse if she left and not him? :scratchhead:

OP, this is something you have to decide for yourself. giving up the place you love to live at is a really big deal. Esepeciallly if you have been there for a long time and put roots down there. 

Can she move closer to you?

Can you just be together w/o marrying? Does she want to marry? Or is it you that wants to marry?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Why would a "gorgeous" 40 something woman be banished to a guest room if she had three kids with her ex ?

Was there infidelity on her part ? Does she have mental or addiction issues ?

So you have to give up things, i.e., your home that you love, etc., but what is she sacrificing ?

I say don't do it based on what you have written here. Besides, do you really want to be dealing with a teenager in your 60's ?


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## Robert1956 (Mar 20, 2014)

She has joint custody with her ex and they are supposed to do the every other week thing but hasn't been able to yet. She receives child support and handles all of the kids financials, doc, dentist, activities, etc. and we have talked about dating with her on her own to see how it works out.
She says her clock is ticking because she wants marriage but I'm in the camp of waiting to make sure.

Because she had no income at the time, he kept the house since they thought it best for supporting the kids.

You all made good points.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Her clock is ticking? omg.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Her clock is ticking? omg.


:iagree:

I don't understand or respect women, who constantly look for men to take care of them without trying to be independent. 

I think she is just looking for a wallet to help take care of her kids.

One of the reasons divorce rates are much higher for second and third marriages is blended family issues. Something to think about.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> shes looking for security.
> 
> if you marry have her sign a pernup.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Prenup or no marriage


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Yep...the clock ticking argument....WTF?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

If you're worth marrying now you will be worth marrying once she gets on her feet. 'Clock ticking' implies to me she needs to snag you now because it may not be such a desirable option down the road.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe I've been watching too many cold case files lately but this reminds me of those situations. Dude meets hot chick at gym.Dude gets roped into marriage.Falls for it bc he's the white knight,pays through the nose to keep up w/wife's desires then ends up having a mysterious deadly "accident". 

NOT saying this is your situation.Just making conversation


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Robert1956 said:


> She says her clock is ticking because she wants marriage but I'm in the camp of waiting to make sure.
> 
> .


The only thing the clock is ticking on is your future happiness, financial stability, and sanilty.

Where in the world does a 46 year old woman with 3 still young kids say her clock is ticking ? Yikes !


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

barbados said:


> The only thing the clock is ticking on is your future happiness, financial stability, and sanilty.
> 
> *Where in the world does a 46 year old woman with 3 still young kids say her clock is ticking ? Yikes !*


Doesn't that just give you the creeps? 

OP, you have already been married twice. I am certain that you learned some lessons from both your marriages. 

Be careful. If strangers on the internet can see huge red flags, that should give you pause.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Her clock is ticking because she wants a new place to live. This does not constitute an emergency on your part. There are many stories on TAM of problems with step children, so I would be very cautious before taking on 3 teenagers. If you two are a good match, you will still be good a year from now. Wait and see what develops.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't do it. And stop playing knight in shining armor. That's just asking for trouble. Which you will get a great deal of if you marry her.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And . . . she needs to be on her own and have her children every week by herself and not wait until you move to their school district to provide a house for her in order to fulfill her responsibility to them.


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## Robert1956 (Mar 20, 2014)

Well, many of you are confirming what I felt in my gut. I provide her with many good times and a lot of security and a place for her kids to visit. Of course I benefit as well.

Why would she give that up if I refuse to marry? I guess that's her problem.

I think I will just date her until she decides she wants more or when my gut feels better.

Marriage again would be much nicer without the hold backs. I'm at the go and do stage whenever I want! Not when the kids say so.


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## Robert1956 (Mar 20, 2014)

Wow, Scarlett! I'm not ready to die. Ha.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Robert1956 said:


> ..Divorced twice, Am I crazy to remarry?...





Robert1956 said:


> ...
> ...She says her clock is ticking because she wants marriage ....


Yup, you'd be crazy.


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

Yes, you're crazy. 

She is looking for a wallet, nothing more. Her argument about how her "clock is ticking" is proof enough of that. Her clock has since ran out a long time ago. She, like most women who demand marriage, is looking for nothing other than financial security, a roof over her head, and steady feed. 

If you absolutely *must* marry, make sure she signs a pre-nup.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... Make sure to get some input on common law relationships in your area before keeping your door open to her for too long... CYA!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Her clock is ticking? omg.


Anything ticking is never good! Be careful!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Clock ticking means that she wants a 4th child, did you agree to that! Why does marriage make such a difference to where you and your gf live. She does not have the kids now, how will marriage change the custody arrangement. 

You have been married twice before. What happened to end those marriages. Have you made the changes that are needed to avoid another breakdown. The changes you are considering are sizable and need careful consideration. 

If this does not work out, you will be minus a house that you love. You'll be living in a place for no reason other than proximity to stepchildren that you will not see again. 

My advice is to get engaged for a few years and see what happens. What the hurry, marriage is forever right? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

My take on the "clock is ticking" is that she is attempting to manipulate you with it. Implying that if you don't snap her up with marriage very soon then you may lose her to someone who will. I very much doubt that it's really about wanting more kids. It's more about your kneejerk reaction to possibly losing her and therefore agreeing to what she wants. I think you're being very smart by questioning the whole thing Robert.


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Clock ticking means that she wants a 4th child, did you agree to that!


At 46 years old? I think she's just trying to manipulate him. 

She didn't even move out of her ex-husbands house until he eventually decided to move the other woman in. She went straight from her ex-husbands house right to his. She seems incapable of taking care of herself and being on her own. She is dependent on men providing for her and marriage is the surest way of locking a man in to do just that.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Why marry

What's the hurry?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Pinkpetal said:


> My take on the "clock is ticking" is that she is attempting to manipulate you with it. Implying that if you don't snap her up with marriage very soon then you may lose her to someone who will. I very much doubt that it's really about wanting more kids. It's more about your kneejerk reaction to possibly losing her and therefore agreeing to what she wants. I think you're being very smart by questioning the whole thing Robert.


I agree. She's seeing herself as a prize and you better hurry up and snatch her up. In reality, you are the prize and she needs someone to take care of her and her kids. Like RedPill stated above, it sounds like she has never been out on her own.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The "clock ticking" comment sounds like a subtle ultimatum to me...will she end the relationship if you don't marry her before her alarm goes off?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Check with your state child support laws and find out if child support is modified if a parent remarried.... In some cases / states it does.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you need to back this marriage train up. There so many people on here that see red flags.

"clock ticking" :redcard:

That "clock ticking" is a time bomb if you don't think this thing through.

Another thing to consider is common law marriage. Only one other person brought it up. The laws in some states are pretty ridiculous.

Here, I will give you a start.

Common Law Marriage > Marriages > by States

https://www.google.com/search?q=com...7&sourceid=chrome&espv=210&es_sm=122&ie=UTF-8


If it was me, my first stop would be my lawyers office.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

With kids that age? Nightmare. If they were quite a bit older, not so bad as they would soon be leaving if they had not left already. If they were younger, not so bad because you have a better chance of moulding their behaviour to suit all concerned. At that age you have no chance but to knock off some of the very roughest edges and if one of them already has some behaviour issues you are making the biggest rod imaginable for your own back.

I am speaking as the stepmother who suddenly had a 14 and 15 year old dumped in her lap.


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## a sweet guy 30 (Mar 22, 2014)

i am a new member where do i go to introduce myself on here


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Robert, you are in love and you love the lady you are dating and are willing to accommodate her, all is good and fine. I am 51, husband 53, this is a second marriage for a us both and we ended up with a his, mine and ours (5 total). What I can tell you is that you can be invested in her children but you will never have the feelings towards them like you would have for your own. Your interest is in her! The kids are like bumps in the road that you are willing to accept but only because you feel the way you do for this woman.

Personally, at my age if I were divorced I do not think I would even consider dating someone with children who were not grown and on their own. At this point and time in our lives, time together as a couple is important. I would not want to go thru the struggles of a step family all over again, it is not easy. Bio parents want to coddle and protect their children and do not want to listen to words of wisdom from an outsider even if you are married, this causes conflict and hard feelings.

If you do not want to sell and move to a location closer that you do not like, don't do it. It will only cause hard feelings, especially if you do this for her and then you guys end up in conflict. Kids can relocate and it would make more sense at their age to relocate to a different school district rather than sell your house.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes, you are KRAZEE with a capital "K"!!!!

Your hesitation and sound reasoning comes through loud and clear in your first post. Go back and re-read it over and over. At your age, it would be wise to live together, keep your finances separate, and share your lives without getting sucked into a potential baaaaaaad deal for you. You say that one of the main reasons for marrying her is you don't want to hurt her feelings. Not a good reason.

I've heard of the "biological clock ticking", but never in my life have heard of the "clock ticking for marriage."

:wtf:

You can have a rewarding, satisfying relationship without getting remarried. I just don't think it's with this chick.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Robert1956 said:


> I think I will just date her until she decides she wants more or when my gut feels better.
> 
> Marriage again would be much nicer without the hold backs.


If she loves you, she would respect your choice to wait until the children are emancipated, as well as when you feel ready. You are the one making the drastic life changes and should not give in to pressure from other people about cohabitating.

You are sensible to think this through.


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