# Losing a parent.............



## karole

My father is very ill. He's had health problems for many years, but those problems have really escalated the past six months. He's staying at my sister's house and my brother, sister and I take turns staying with him at night. We have a sitter with him during the day so we can work. I thought we had lost him last Friday as he took a turn for the worse, but somehow, he improved slightly on Saturday. Watching my dad deteriorate has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I'm not ready to lose him, but I know the time is coming, and, in all likelihood, it won't be very long. How in the world do you prepare yourself for that?


----------



## soccermom2three

Karole, I have not dealt with what you are going through yet. I don't even know how you prepare yourself. I just wanted to send you hugs. I think what you and your siblings are doing for your dad is so great.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I lost my father almost 3 years ago after a long illness, so we knew it was coming. He and I were very close, he used to call me at all hours of the night to talk and I'd pick up.

The only advice I can give is to make sure you say whatever you need to say, and tell him that whenever he needs to go you'll miss him but everything will be ok.

We all have to go, and loved ones often need to peace of knowing they'll be missed but everyone will be ok.

I told mine that he should go because he was suffering, and told him to check out the next world because I'd be joining him after I watched my kids and grandkids grow up. He passed that night. I still think about him all the time. 

I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Max.HeadRoom

My dad died after a 3 month fight with cancer and I agree say what you need/want, all of you. 

On the other hand my 1st wife died in the blink of an eye. And I’ve lost many others close to me.

There is nothing to do that can prepare you.

My only advice is this. Tomorrow is going to arrive no matter what happens today.

I went through the motions of life for nearly a year after Betsy. Faking it until I made it.

After dad there was work my brother I had to do, take care of mom and hiding dad’s 40 year affair we just found out about.

My thoughts are with you and your family


----------



## larry.gray

I can tell you the only thing worse is losing a child. Be there for him is my advice. For me that was very important.

I lost my mother 18 months ago to a 22 month battle with cancer. The last 4 or so were the roughest.


----------



## Shoto1984

karole,

I've lost both of my parents to long term illness. Its a terrible thing to lose someone who has been a constant in your entire life. Its been a few years now and it does get better with time but I still miss them terribly and even talk to them when I'm doing things that remind me of things we did together (don't tell anyone...  ) I think of it as a wound that heals but never completely goes away. When my mother died I found a warm and loving letter she had written to her father long after his death.

As others have said, tell him you love him, thank him for loving you etc. It sounds like he has people who love him and hopefully he's led a full life. Its all we can hope for.


----------



## VermisciousKnid

I lost my father 15 months ago. Say what you need to say while he still can communicate. Mine passed from dementia and he didn't have the capacity to understand for the last three months. He recognized us but that was about it. 

So sorry that you are going through this. 

I don't think you can be prepared, though.


----------



## Jellybeans

Hi Karole,

I don't know how one prepares for that, but I will say that you are very lucky you are able to spend time with him before he goes. Cherish every moment.

Hugs.


----------



## Jellybeans

VermisciousKnid said:


> I lost my father 15 months ago. Say what you need to say while he still can communicate.


I like this advice. 

Sorry for your loss, Vermiscious.


----------



## karole

Thank you all so very much!! My dad is an absolutely wonderful man and I could not have asked for a better father. My siblings and I are taking care of him the best we can. He is on hospice care, so we have help from them too. We have a huge family, so we have help and daddy has lots of visitors. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I stayed with him last night and he told me if he felt like it, he wanted to go home this weekend, so we are gonna try to make that happen if at all possible. I know he misses his home. His mind is still as sharp as ever, so we are able to talk to him just like always. I agree with the posters who said to talk to him and say the things we want to say. I try to do that every day. He tells us he loves us every night before he goes to sleep and every time we leave him. He's always been that way. I will miss him telling me, "I love you Little Doll." I'm 51 years old and he still calls me his "Little Doll." LOL!


----------



## Mr.Fisty

I have been there as a 15 year-old. The hardest part is not having control over the situation. You have to accept that sometimes you are powerless. Just make every moment count as much as possible. It hurt a lot for me, when my father was in a lot of pain and did not recognize me anymore. It was hard for my mother to pull the plug, but the suffering was too great. As a 15 year-old, i would hope for a cure,, I wish I was more intelligent and came up with a solution, and I hated myself, that I was not more than I was. I think people go through it differently. Next month is the 11th anniversary of his death. Sad to say though, death does become easier to deal with as you go through it more often. I think it becomes easier to accept over time. I lost a few uncles, an aunt, a few cousins, and a couple of friends over the years.

My father wanted to go home before he died, but it was not possible. My mother had his casket go by the home before he was buried. I wish we could have given him that.


----------



## Jellybeans

karole said:


> I will miss him telling me, "I love you Little Doll." I'm 51 years old and he still calls me his "Little Doll." LOL!


Nothing like a father's love for his daughter. (Good fathers, that is, lol).  That is really sweet.


----------



## Miss Taken

Hi Karole,

My condolences for what you are going through right now.

I lost my mother when I was thirteen. Although I was so young, I had to spend much of my formative years as her prime caretaker and even failed the seventh grade due to lack of attendance in school as a result of doing so. So being a caretaker to a dying parent is something I do relate with. Young or old being put into the position to care for your parents is stressful and heartbreaking. I don't think age - young nor old makes it easier, having witnessed close friends lose their parents in their adult hoods. Loving a parent is not something one "grows out" of. 

My father-in-law is currently taking care of his mother who has dementia. I know it isn't easy on him but he is very independent/stubborn and doesn't seek help.

One thing I would consider is looking for a hospice organization in your area. They may have a weekly support group filled with people that understand what you are going through. I know the main hospice in my area has groups like this and counseling for caretakers and grief counseling for bereaved family members as I am currently in the application process to work as a volunteer through my local organization.


----------



## askari

Karole....altough I am 50, I still have two relatively healthy parents so I can only imagine what you are going through.

There is no set 'plan' as to what to do or how you will feel. I had one Grandparent, my Grandma. I loved her to bits...she was a very typical Grandma...buying me sweets on the quiet, giving me extra pocket money etc.
I arrived at her bedside about five minutes after she died (in a care home).....I have often thought 'if only I left home 5 minutes earlier...if only I had driven a bit faster' etc...but to this day I have never shed a tear over her death (12 years ago).
Had being a cop for 15 years toughened me up to such a degree that I could detatch myself from the reality of it?

I hope I am more 'human' when it comes to my parents! I should be as I stopped being a cop 10 years ago!

We all react differently...all I can suggest is that YOU do what YOU feel is the best thing for YOU.
The sad reality is that your Dad is the one going, nothing will change that. Obviously make him feel loved etc but remember that you still have the remainder of you life to get on with.

Someone once said to me; Don't mourn a death, celebrate a life.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

I was in my early thirties when my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. I don't know which is worse....losing someone with no warning (either heart attack, accident, suicide) or having to watch them suffer and losing them slowly . Both are truly awful. All I can say is that the pain of it does lessen, and your sad moments lessen and the happy memories replace them. Not that you won't have sad moments....just yesterday I was crying about him during IC and it's been 8 years.

If you eventually start having dreams about your dad, that will also be a huge gift . 

{{Hugs}}


----------



## karole

It's funny you mention dreams, STA. I stayed with my dad last night and he was talking in his sleep. He used to love to hunt and fish, so when I heard him talking to whoever he was talking to about shooting something, I knew he must have been dreaming that he was hunting. I asked him about it this morning and sure enough, he did dream about it. He explained his dream to me in great detail. He was hunting with a brother that died many years ago. He often talks in his sleep. I think he is dreaming of his loved ones that have previously died. I have heard him laughing and crying in his sleep. It's hard to explain, but it is almost comforting in a way to know that he is dreaming of his brothers, sisters, mother and dad that have been gone for many years. I hope they comfort him in his sleep. 

My dad comes from a wonderful family (a huge one - he had 11 brothers and sisters!!) and they were always very close. The ones that are living call and speak with each other almost every day - just to check in. I'm very grateful for our family. I don't know how we would get through this without them. 

Thank you all very much for your kind words - they mean more than you will ever know...........


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Thinking of you karole... so sorry you are going through this at this time, but so grateful he was a beautiful soul full of blessing to yours. Sweet hugs...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

karole said:


> It's funny you mention dreams, STA. I stayed with my dad last night and he was talking in his sleep. He used to love to hunt and fish, so when I heard him talking to whoever he was talking to about shooting something, I knew he must have been dreaming that he was hunting. I asked him about it this morning and sure enough, he did dream about it. He explained his dream to me in great detail. He was hunting with a brother that died many years ago. He often talks in his sleep. I think he is dreaming of his loved ones that have previously died. I have heard him laughing and crying in his sleep. It's hard to explain, but it is almost comforting in a way to know that he is dreaming of his brothers, sisters, mother and dad that have been gone for many years. I hope they comfort him in his sleep.
> 
> My dad comes from a wonderful family (a huge one - he had 11 brothers and sisters!!) and they were always very close. The ones that are living call and speak with each other almost every day - just to check in. I'm very grateful for our family. I don't know how we would get through this without them.
> 
> Thank you all very much for your kind words - they mean more than you will ever know...........


When I read of families LIKE YOURS....it's very touching...as it should be...what a wonderful life to have so many family members caring and sharing like that, calling one another so frequently...it's like you all share each others burdens and successes too!

..You are very Blessed that you've always been this close/ connected... when you love deeply, so many memories to look back upon..... the pain will BE the deepest in his passing.....there is no way around this loss..it is significant in your hearts....

You will have the comfort of those around you...grieving together- this is your families way... 

I can not relate to much of what is being spoken here... I often wonder how I will feel when my own parents lie on their death bed, I am NOT close to my Mother, only see her about 10 - 12 times a year ...or my Father, even less....they've always had their own lives...and I had mine.. it's one of the reasons I so wanted my own family even, I wanted to feel more of that connection with others.

I've heard it said..when someone we love passes, we will grieve the time they occupied in our lives on a regular basis.. it's so scant with my own parents, I am afraid I may not feel much at all.. kinda sad admission on my end.... 

I guess time will tell that story....

Maybe I will grieve what should have been.. though whose fault is it.. I don't know.. 

Just wanted to say.. I think it's great you are so close to your father.. and family members as you've described here...with so many memories alive to carry , looking back upon... MUCH will be missed, but you wouldn't want it any other way! 

That is something to celebrate, he was well loved and a life well lived...


----------



## jaquen

By the time I was 30 both of my parents were gone. They died five years apart; my father on Father's day, my mother less than a week after Mother's. Their deaths were surprising; though both had ailing health, but neither died from acute illnesses. Both passed in their 60s, despite longevity being typical on both sides of my family. 

There is no way to prepare when a death comes suddenly. You take the blow and you do what you can to cope. My relationship with God played an enormous role in my recovery, not just moving forward, but finding meaning in loss and being able to truly move on. And time. What I found myself most grateful for, when it came to my mother at least, was that there really was no need for a bedside goodbye. I knew she loved me so, so very much and I know she felt the same. I knew that my father did too, but my relationship with him was more complicated. How you treat your loved ones while they are living is so much more important than trying to make up for lost time when they're on the way out. I tell the people who are dearest to me that I love them, family and friends, and I try and treat them in a way that makes that very obvious. How you lived is so much more important than how you died.

The upside to my mother's passing? She is finally with my dad again. She never fully recovered from his death. Their marriage was fraught, but full of love, and she never loved another man her entire adult life. A light was severely dimmed after his passing and my mother never really tried to get it back. She told me a few months before her passing that all her kids were doing well and that she was ready to go. Knowing that she wasn't afraid of death absolutely did help.


----------



## Ikaika

So sorry to hear about what you are going through Karole. And I know not every situation is equal. Sending warm and healing aloha. 

I still remember back in 2003, my mother suffered a severe stoke that left her completely dependent on others. My father at that time was progressively spiraling down hill (dementia). Then the summer of 2005, just as we got our parents settled (somewhat, bouncing from one siblings house to the next), my sister spent seven weeks in ICU. A woman who was, her entire life, full of life, very healthy and active. And in the end we had to take her off of life support. A decision that still haunts me. Then a year latter my father dies and five years later, mom. You learn to deal with it but really a person neves dies until, the memory dies. Hold onto the memories.


----------



## arbitrator

*Carole: My heart goes out to you for I know what you're going through!

I've lost both my Mom and Dad! Dad in 1993 and Mom in 2001.

My Dad 's health was creeping downward ever since he retired at age 71 from a 40 year outdoor career with a major oil company! Granted that he was often a rather heavy drinker during his career, I often avoided him like the plague when he drank because of his abusiveness toward me when he did so. When he wasn't drinking though, the man was the absolute salt of the earth.He would literally give you the shirt off of his back! As his health started failing, and his mind went flucuating in anmd out of dementia, it was sad to see him go. In fact, he checked himself into a rest home, because with tears in his eyes, he was cognizant to tell my Mom that his presence in their home was absolutely going "to kill her," because being a good sized man, he theorized that he was just way too big for her to handle and take care of!

Two months after having entered that home, he finally died. I wasn't there at the hospital when he died, but I was enroute whenever I received word on that fateful Friday morning that he didn't have long. He died later that afternoon at 76 years old.

Mom was 90 when she died in 2001, but bless her heart, she kept every one of her mental faculties about her, always being as sharp as a tack; her poor old body just couldn't keep up however. I saw her only two days prior to her passing, being told by her that she likely would never see me again, to which I retorted, "Mom, I'll see you Friday! I've got to drive back up here on Friday to mow your grass! "Well, Baby", she said, "I'll probably not be here, but please cut the grass real nice and be sure to pick up all of those fallen limbs underneath that live oak tree in the front yard!" True to her word, she left us on that Friday afternoon as I, true to my word, was driving up to see her again to do my appointed chores! Little did Iknow that I would be planning the details of her Monday morning funeral service.

My advise to you is to cherish those remaining moments, whether good or bad, knowing that soon, that they will soon be commended into God's hands!

God bless you, my dear!*


----------



## karole

Many thanks to each and every one of you who have taken the time to post. I appreciate all of you. My daddy passed in his sleep yesterday morning surrounded by a house full of family and friends.. I'm thankful his suffering is over, but I can't imagine my life without him. The funeral is tomorrow and I am delivering the eulogy. Those of you of faith, please pray for me to have the strength to get through it. It is going to be so hard.

Thank you all again!


----------



## Shoto1984

Hugs karole.


----------



## Ikaika

Aloha


----------



## bbdad

This answer comes from a Christian background, so it may not apply to your situation.

We lost a daughter only a few months old. It was due to genetic complications. Thankfully, it was a random mutation and is not something we fear being passed on through the family in future generations.

But, I was sad for her to pass. I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. I will never forget that. However, I know she is in a much better place. She is no longer suffering. She is in a place that is far better than anything we can imagine. My sadness is my selfishness that I want to still be in her physical life daily. But, my relief comes from knowing she is much better now than she could have ever been here, living with us.

So, if you have a Christian background, and if you know/believe your parent is saved, then try to find some relief in knowing they are going to be free of pain/misery and will be "graduating" to a much better place. Sure, we miss them. The memories are something to hold on to. But, knowing how much better they are was a way for me to get by.

I don't want this to be a religious thread. I just wanted to share with you how we dealt with the pain of losing a child. Hopefully, it may help you deal with what is coming with your parent.


----------



## Threetimesalady

Dear Karole: I just saw your post...I cannot tell you how sorry I am about your Dad's passing...With his and my husband's similarities in dealing with heart problems, it not only hit home, but made me cherish each moment of life that we are given...I send you all my love and support...Sincerely, Caroline.....


----------



## arbitrator

*A big loving sympathetic hug, Karole! 

As far as eulogies are concerned, I was summarily asked to deliver the eulogy for my brother and had absolutely no idea of how to go about doing it! But when I thought of all of the outlandish, funny things that my brother had done in his lifetime, all in the spirit of love ~ well that Church ended up sounding like a comedy club. 

I am so proud to relate that God somehow instilled within me the ability to turn all of those tears of grief, into tears of laughter and joy, as the family members and friends there, that came up to me afterward, thanking and hugging me later, so exhibited in their heartfelt responses!

Regardless of how you are led to do it, just let it all come from your heart! *


----------



## justfabulous

Karole, so very sorry about the loss of your Dad. I can only imagine your pain. I (an only child of a single parent) have been my mom's primary caregiver for the last 3 years. She developed a very sudden and rapidly progressing dementia that the doctors simply have no explanation for. She's like an infant now, quite literally. Can't even speak in logical sentences. Five years ago she was still teaching music and actively involved in life. Its very hard to watch your loved one suffer, and equally very hard to have to learn to live with out them when its time to let them go. In my case my mom is here physically, but the mom I knew, and our relationship as I knew it, is gone, so I mourn the loss of my mom sometimes even as I sit with her. She's here, and yet she's long been gone, and I miss her so badly. But because of the situation, there is no sense of closure. 

As one daughter to another, I really feel the pain of your loss. Let there be comfort at least in knowing your Dad no longer has to suffer. I know the pain of missing him must be beyond words. So let me just say, I'm so very sorry.


----------



## MountainRunner

karole said:


> My father is very ill. He's had health problems for many years, but those problems have really escalated the past six months. He's staying at my sister's house and my brother, sister and I take turns staying with him at night. We have a sitter with him during the day so we can work. I thought we had lost him last Friday as he took a turn for the worse, but somehow, he improved slightly on Saturday. Watching my dad deteriorate has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I'm not ready to lose him, but I know the time is coming, and, in all likelihood, it won't be very long. *How in the world do you prepare yourself for that?*


You really can't. One may "think" that they can prepare, but over time one comes to realize that the pain still remains after years. We just learn to deal with it. I avoided this thread, but last night I got to thinking about how I now have no grandparents or parents to talk to anymore.

I lost my mother to complications realted to her diabetes in July of '13. I got to sit ringside and watch my mother lose limbs, feeling in her extremities, her vision over the course of a few years before the diease took it's ultimate toll. I lost my father almost one year ago from a massive heart attack.

I miss them...but I am thankful that the last words they heard from me were "I love you."

It hurts...but we endure, do we not? All the best to you my friend.


----------



## karole

Thank you so much M. I miss my dad so much!! I called my dad every day on the way home from work and we'd talk. I miss having those conversations. My dad also loved to tell stories about his childhood and life. I miss hearing those too! I miss hearing him tell me, "I love you little doll" every time we would hang up the phone. He was a wonderful man and the best father a girl could ever have. He had his flaws, but I loved those flaws! I will forever miss him!


----------



## lonelyhusband321

OP

I lost both my parents in a 5 month time span. They were each others' lives.

The real answer is that you CAN'T prepare for it. It is going to hurt, and in a big way. This thing can't be avoided.

Some things in life just don't have a painless sloution. You just have to endure it, feel the pain, recover and then go along.

I am sorry for what is happening, but reality is there for every one of us.

I wish you the best in dealing with it....


----------



## MovingAhead

Something I hear Tim Russert did for his father. I did something similar for my dad before he passed away this year.

Have you and your siblings if you have any each write down 25-50 reasons why you love your dad and read it to him while he is lying there.

Of all the precious things that you can give him, the most important things are the memories you have as a family. He will cherish that more than anything and it will give you something to be proud of. The grief will come and it will knock your knees out from under you, but you have to realize that your father will be with God and what you are grieving for is yourself.

Your dad does not want you to feel sorry for yourself so keep that in mind and you will have closure. It will help the pain.

God bless. I went through it with both my parents last year.


----------



## Genevieve777

I'm so sorry to read of your dad's passing. My dear dad passed away from stomach cancer 2.5 years ago. Like some others here, my faith also helped enormously. My dad also had a faith and came to accept his imminent death and said "I know where I'm going."

At Dad's funeral, the minister gave a beautiful service. I remember he said that our life here is just the title page....chapter 1 begins in Heaven. That gave me a lot of comfort and I hope it brings you comfort as well.


----------



## BrokenVows

I am so deeply sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mother when I was 18, then my father one week shy of a year after on Thanksgiving, both due to heart attacks. Nobody can ever prepare you for such a loss. No matter the situation. My father, like yours was/is from a huge family (14). Let them surround you in memories & love. Family will help you through this tough time. 

Keep your memories close to your heart & share them as often as you can so they are forever imbedded in your loved one's minds and repeated for years to come. My children never had the opportunity to meet their grandparents, but I know that they love & admire them based on their reactions to the memories that I share with them. Wishing you peace and prayers.


----------



## karole

Many thanks to all you great folks that have taken the time to post! Your words are very comforting.


----------



## askari

Karole...to add my penny worth.....Although your fathers passing was inevitable it must still hurt.

I am quite sure you are feeling dreadful...but please believe me it WILL get better. The tears WILL stop, the feeling of resentment WILL stop, the feeling that you could have done more WILL stop....slowly you will accept your Daddy's passing and you WILL start to remember him with a smile not a tear.

I promise.


----------



## SurpriseMyself

I lost my brother, my mother, and my father in the span of 3 years. I know how hard it is. Be glad you were close with him so that you don't have regret. Be glad you were close with him so you have fond memories. 

It does get easier. My father passed last year and while I do dream about him often, his passing doesn't affect me. But he was the last of the three, so I had become accustomed to what it feels like.


----------



## Oblivious2678

Karole,

I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing. I'm a little late to the party, but I just saw this for the first time this morning.

I lost my father 2.5 years ago after multiple ailments caught up with him. I have been surrounded by the funeral industry all my life and my Dad had not been in good health for so long that I thought I would be fully prepared for it. The answer to your question is you can never prepare for it.

After he died, I thought I would be able to handle it because I had lived it in my mind over and over again for so long. I felt I had to be the rock for my mom and sister. I was, but while I was doing this, I was not properly grieving. This caused me to build up anger and take it out on my daughter and wife. It almost cost me my marriage.

I advise joining a support group or go to IC, even if it's for only 2 to 3 visits just to make sure you are in a good place.

Even though Dad has been physically gone for 2.5 years, I know he's still around. Not in a creepy way. I am now a big believer in the power of spirit. I can feel my father's presence and some unexplainable things have happened that I know he probably had something to do with. My father was always a jokester. 

I'm sure your father is still around you too. When you are driving home from work, that time you used to talk to him, continue to talk to him. He's listening. He's watching over you. He's guiding you. He always will.


----------



## Anon Pink

Karole, I'm so sorry to learn of your Dad's passing. Both of my parents are gone. My father suddenly, my mother very slowly. The best we can hope for is a good death.

Before I die, let me be here long enough to do what I need to do, say what I need to say, and love those who need my love.

Clearly, you Dad had a good death. Those hospice people are fantastic aren't they?


----------



## karole

Thank you Anon! So sorry for your losses as well.

Yes, the hospice folks were fantastic. Hospice made sure my dad had everything he needed. His doctor even came to visit him a couple of times at my sister's house. I am very appreciative for what nurses and doctors do - not just for their patients, but also for their patient's families. 

I'm thankful my dad maintained his sharp, witty mind and great sense of humor throughout his illness. He loved to tell us stories of his childhood and he was telling us stories up until a week before he died. The last 3 or 4 days, he couldn't really speak, but he was moving his lips and smiling, so I think he was still telling his stories, we just couldn't understand him. My life has a big empty space since daddy passed and I will miss him every day. But, I'm so very thankful I was fortunate enough to have the loving father that I did and was was fortunate enough to be able to care for him in his last days.


----------



## Soveryalone

Karole and to all who have posted on this thread, my deepest and most sincere sympathies to everyone who has lost someone. I know many people say the only thing more difficult than losing a parent is losing a child. Growing up we view our parents as these larger than life, ever resilient, super heroes. We think we will have them forever. I will never forget being in school and hearing that one of my classmates dad's passed away suddenly in a car accident and I could not fathom the pain she felt. I could only imagine what she was going through, and her family. 

We lost my grandfather over 2 years ago, and he practically raised my sister and I. He was the toughest man I have ever met, but also the most kind and loving to his family. He was in the Marine corps in WW2 , to this day I can't believe he is gone.

My mom just was diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer ( triple negative). She starts chemotherapy this week and she is terrified of it, she does not do well with medications of any kind. She is 63 years old, she has two young grandsons who adore her ( my sisters 2 year old and 4 year old). I can't believe this is happening to our family. I know how it felt to lose my grandfather and it did hurt , but the concept of losing my mother terrifies me. She is the closest person I have in my life and really in terms of family, all I really have. I am trying to reconnect with my sister, but she has her own family now, perhaps my mother being terminally ill might bring my sister and I closer together. I feel this intense array of emotions right now and I am feeling very much alone with coping with this.


----------



## karole

Thank you Soveryalone. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope your mother responds well to her treatment. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


----------



## Rhiannon0463

I'm truly very sorry. I lost my Grand-father due to bone cancer. While he wasn't my immediate father, he and my Grand-mother raised me for the first six years of my life.
My parents were in and out of rehab and trying to get their lives together, and even when they were stable enough to have me in their custody, my grand-parents still remained very involved.
I always considered my Grand-father to be my real father as he was more involved with me and my life.
I had a few months to prepare myself. In that time, I spent almost all of my time with him. Expressing my appreciation toward him, thanking him and always telling him I loved him. 
I don't think you can really prepare yourself because it'll still be heart wrenching when you get the call. I was lucky enough to hold his hand and tell him I loved him as I and the rest of my family watched him pass.
And after that, I reminded myself everyday that Grandpa wasn't suffering anymore. I reminded myself that he was in a better place free of suffering watching over me and protecting me. And to this day, I still pray to him and talk to him. He gave me a ring that was engraved with the word strength because he believed me to be full of strength and to this day, I still wear it.

You can't stop loved ones from passing. All you can do is make sure that you tell the ones you love how much you love them, and don't let them forget it.

You, your father and the rest of your family are in my prayers. Take good, gentle care of yourself.


----------



## karole

Father's Day is going to be very sad this year without my dad. Every year, my brother, sister and I would have a cook-out/pool party at my house on Father's Day. One of daddy's favorite things in the world was for our family to get together. The more people that came, the happier he'd be. He grew up in a huge family (had 11 brothers and sisters), so he enjoyed everyone getting together. My siblings and I have decided to go forward with the cookout this year. We will spend the day having fun and talking about and remembering daddy. I know he will be looking down and proud that we are continuing to enjoy being a family.


----------



## Yeswecan

karole said:


> My father is very ill. He's had health problems for many years, but those problems have really escalated the past six months. He's staying at my sister's house and my brother, sister and I take turns staying with him at night. We have a sitter with him during the day so we can work. I thought we had lost him last Friday as he took a turn for the worse, but somehow, he improved slightly on Saturday. Watching my dad deteriorate has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I'm not ready to lose him, but I know the time is coming, and, in all likelihood, it won't be very long. How in the world do you prepare yourself for that?


I prepared myself by speaking my peace with my father. My peace meaning telling him what a good father he is and appreciating he did for me and my family. I wanted him to know he did a stellar job raising me.

I was not so lucky to speak with my mom. She was found on the kitchen floor unresponsive. 

My MIL passed with cancer at age 50. We had a year with her doing our best to make it great as we could. Hospice and care at home. 

MY FIL passed at age 55 with cancer. Did what we could but kind of checked out after his W passes 5 years prior. 

It is tough all around.


----------



## Yeswecan

karole said:


> Father's Day is going to be very sad this year without my dad. Every year, my brother, sister and I would have a cook-out/pool party at my house on Father's Day. One of daddy's favorite things in the world was for our family to get together. The more people that came, the happier he'd be. He grew up in a huge family (had 11 brothers and sisters), so he enjoyed everyone getting together. My siblings and I have decided to go forward with the cookout this year. We will spend the day having fun and talking about and remembering daddy. I know he will be looking down and proud that we are continuing to enjoy being a family.


Father's Day is to recognize fathers. Whether here on earth or up in heaven.


----------



## Joe75

Hi karole

I discovered and read your threat last night (I do not know why it seems that I always read these types of thread at night, in a quiet house, with the only light coming from the monitor - where the written words seem to have a greater emotional impact (lol)). Some thoughts and reflections.

My parents died within a relatively short period of each other – my Mom suddenly and unexpectedly and my Dad after a time dealing with a serious illness. Not being a religious man, what gave me peace, was the belief that one still ‘lives on’ as long as one is remembered. I reckon with my siblings and our children, my parents will be part of cherished memories for at least sixty years more. I also believe part of us continues on in our children and beyond. Notwithstanding facial/body resemblances, it is sometimes as simply as observing a parent’s mannerism in one of our children. Not I of course, as I had vowed that I would never be like my parents (lol).

After my Mom died, my family could not decide what to do with the ashes. When my Dad died, for some unknown reason, I decided to talk a walk in my hometown cemetery – something I have never done before. I was surprised at the number of my friends’ parents, who were in turn friends of my parents, who were at rest. I quickly came to the realization that this was the place for my parents, among those who knew them. When I return to my hometown, I always visit this cemetery to not only to pay my respects to my parents but to the parents of my friends. It is comforting to know that my friends do the same thing. 

Although, there was much grief for both parents, the grief gradually transformed into happy memories. A decade later, there is still much cheer and happy reflections when my siblings and I gather and tell stories of our childhood and of our Mom and Dad to the sometime amusement of our children. 

Karole, IMHO I believe your approach to the upcoming Father’s day is a healthy one. After all what is a better way to remember a good life than with happy stories and laughter in a loving family gathering. Our Dads would not have it any other way. 

Respectively

Joe75


----------



## karole

Thank you for your very kind Post Joe.


----------

