# Thank you all



## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

I was a lurker here during my problems with my wife's infidelity. I just want to thank everybody here for helping me out more than you will ever know.

You are the reason I had enough strength to end my suffering and seperate and file for divorce. Many of you had similar stories that I could relate to, and many had great advice on finding evidence and how to differentiate the difference between words and actions.

You are all my heroes.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

On behalf of the academy, I accept your thanks.

Good for you and good luck. You should post your story.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I agree with BM. Everyone here learns from every experience shared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I agree too. This site and people here help me as well. So I would like to say thanks.

Clay


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Is amazing how someone can learn from others experiences to not walk the same destructive path, I think the 180 Guide is the best example of all the pain that many BS had to endure before learning what actually gives real result (either way for reconcilation or divorce)


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

When can we hear about your story then?

"And the man lived happily and separately ever after" is always welcome around here.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

My story really isn't that much different or worse than anybody else's here.

I'm pretty dense when it comes to seeing problems, so I was completely blindsided. Hindsight I first noticed there was a problem when she posted pictures from Easter on her facebook. I was in none of them. I didn't think much of it then.

About a month later roughly, she was out running. She did go out to exercise, so I didn't see anything wrong with it. I decided to see how far she had left on her run by checking the find my iphone app on her ipad, and noticed her blip in the middle of the desert. I kept watching it hoping it was a glitch, saw it leave the area, and stop at a house for a few minutes while she was on her way home. I used google maps to find the address and searched public records to find out the name of the owner.

I didn't confront her right away, I took a couple days to think about things. The next time she went out, I watched the blip stop at the same place, so I drove out to it and took pictures of her car parked there. I sent those pictures to her, and I had a complete breakdown during it. She promised that nothing happened, and a lot of other lies. Everything she said during this followed the "cheaters script".

She promised she would never see him again, blah blah. I kept catching her in little lies, inconsistencies. Shaving her private area and wearing thong panties to go to the gym etc. She kept on saying I was crazy to think anything was going on.

I confronted her a second time when I saw she got an email from the OM, I thought she had been faithful, and didn't see anything to show me otherwise before this email. She promised on everything, including our daughter that nothing was going on, and it would never happen again. I didn't break down during this confrontation, but I told her point blank that I would not be married to a woman with a boyfriend on the side, period. She said I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore, that she was committed to our marriage more than she had ever been blah blah blah. Still following the cheaters script. I would have believed her if I hadn't been visiting this site, and saw that her actions were opposite from what she says. So instead of being overbearing and paranoid towards her, I just went underground with my monitoring, where before I was overt about it for a bit, then stopped because I believed her. I forwarded all incoming emails from that Gmail account to my work email so I could keep a record of them without her being able to delete them. Saw a lot of emails, most were fairly innocent, but were obviously not allowed, I had told her to not have any contact with him.

Then she made a big mistake and asked him to make a new gmail account for her, probably because she knew I had the password to the one I was watching and didn't want me to catch her. They would not win any awards for their subterfuge, they weren't very good at it since he sent her the new email address and password. So I, like any man, logged in to it and had it forward incoming emails to myself again.

I know I should have confronted her right away, and filed for divorce, but I could not muster the courage to do it, no matter how hurtful their emails got. They got really explicit, and frequent. Discussed them getting an apartment, buying furniture, lots of things. So when she started a fight over something inconsequential, as most cheaters do so they can feel better about themselves seeing someone else, she said she was moving out for a bit. I summoned all my courage that I had gained by reading the posts on this site and just said OK. Kept myself as emotionless as possible, and this sent her into a tailspin. She was not happy that I could just be OK with it. I finally had the upper hand, and told her that I knew everything and she didn't need to lie to me anymore. She kept on lying afterwards though, so I knew that there was absolutely no chance of reconciliation. I told her that I had read all of her emails and that I knew everything. I didn't mind spilling my sources at this point, since I would no longer have to stress about every little thing, every time she went out, and all that. I told her that there was no way I was going to try to fix anything anymore.

She moved out a couple days later, she was in tears still about it. I don't know if I was plan B or plan A, but I told her I was not going to be there anymore. I asked her if I was plan B and she said no, I was always number 1. I never felt more empowered about things than when I told her that I was no longer a plan for her. She kept trying to lay the blame on me for making the decision, try to make me feel bad for ruining our family. I never saw so much hurt in her eyes when I said that I was not the one who made the decision, that she did when she decided to start seeing the other guy.

She doesn't want other people to know about it, and I'm ok with that. I know exposure is the number one thing to kill an affair, but I don't want to kill it now. I don't want her back. She's been helping me with money since her moving out, because I kept the house, and her son from a previous marriage lives with me. I don't want to ruin that, and have to get a roommate at this point.

A little bit about the OM. She used to poke fun at me since I'm seven years older than her, they were playful jabs, but I knew she didn't like it for some reason. Well the OM is five years older than me. We both smoked when we got together, her Grandfather passed away from lung problems and was a heavy smoker for decades so she quit smoking, and I quick after months of nagging. He's a heavy smoker. She hated my temper and moodiness (PTSD) when we first got together. He has the same temper and moodiness that I had. It's almost like she hated who I'd become on a subconcious level, and probably so since I've been reading "No More Mr Nice Guy". She, through passive aggressive ways, got me to be the poster child for "mr nice guy". Obviously she was no longer attracted to me, and wanted the old me back, even though she said to me that she hates all those things about him and doesn't want me to be like that blah blah blah.

So here I am today. Today would have been my three year wedding anniversary. Through my own PTSD symptoms I previously had, I have developed some more. Most likely through her emotional abuse during our relationship, and the stress from her infidelity. The most serious that I am going to see my doctor about is I have developed depersonalization/derealization. It's gone down a little since then, so I'm hoping it will go away on its own.

"The best revenge is living well" has gotten me through it since our seperation. I have gotten rid of most of the symptoms of "nice guy" syndrome that I noticed I had, and am feeling much more attractive, and powerful as a man. I still have a long way to go, but I feel so free now.

The only regret that I have is not getting anything admissable for court if I ever have to battle for custody of my daughter. At best I can get half custody. Arizona is a no fault state, so I probably would not have been able to use infidelity anyway, but I know for sure copies of emails I obtained in that way would never even be seen by the judge.

I'm sure I left a lot out, and will update when I think of more, and I will answer any questions when I see them.

/edit: I forgot about the 180. I did do that while monitoring the emails at the end. It caused a lot of confusion in her, and she almost seemed to be coming back to me. Right up until she said she was moving out for a little bit. She still gets mad at me that I'm so cold and distant to her. She still expects to have some control over me, and it kills her that she doesn't.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Similarities to other situations but it is good to read your story. Thanks for sharing. 

I'm glad you are doing better and moving forward with your wife. 

Was her om married? If yes did you at leas let his wife know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Godd job my man. Sorry you are going through this but your posts on how you did the investigative work is classic.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

DoveEnigma13 said:


> I was a lurker here during my problems with my wife's infidelity. I just want to thank everybody here for helping me out more than you will ever know.
> 
> You are the reason I had enough strength to end my suffering and seperate and file for divorce. Many of you had similar stories that I could relate to, and many had great advice on finding evidence and how to differentiate the difference between words and actions.
> 
> You are all my heroes.


You sir, are a role model .... for having the strength to do what was necessary to keep your self respect and dignity. 
:smthumbup:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It's good to know that just by reading other peoples threads, you found your way. Good gosh, I wish I'd found CWI, sooner. I'd have made a lot fewer mistakes after I discovered my wife's A. Not only that, I'd have discovered it a lot earlier.

So now you can help other BS's on here if that's your choosing.

In regards to the OM. If he's married or has a SO, tell her as soon as feasible. Don't let the bast**d avoid a consequence. And expose your wife when you can. Don't give her the opportunity to re-write your marital history to your family and friends.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> It's good to know that just by reading other peoples threads, you found your way. Good gosh, I wish I'd found CWI, sooner. I'd have made a lot fewer mistakes after I discovered my wife's A. Not only that, I'd have discovered it a lot earlier.
> 
> So now you can help other BS's on here if that's your choosing.
> 
> In regards to the OM. If he's married or has a SO, tell her as soon as feasible. Don't let the bast**d avoid a consequence. And expose your wife when you can. Don't give her the opportunity to re-write your marital history to your family and friends.


:iagree::iagree:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Put the om on cheaterville and send the link to as many at his workplace as you can.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Good for you, man! You handled this incredibly well. One added benefit of you not exposing your STBX, is you can now use exposure as a bargaining chip in divorce negotiations--she doesn't give you 50/50 custody and a favorable stress free divorce, you go nuclear.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

This is a success story. Good for you broseph.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

There's nothing to expose. Exposing at work would just cause problems for me. Nothing to expose for the OM. He was living with his parents when they started seeing each other. I could tell his parents, but that would do nothing for me.

They say the best revenge is living well, but I think the best revenge in my case will be start dating her ex best friend.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

Another small fact I forgot about. She had a burner phone in her car, I didn't find it, but I know I smashed it on accident when we were going out to dinner when I moved the driver seat back. That's how I caught the email. She didn't get a new burner phone, or at least wasn't going to get one right away.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

start hijack. OP. Since you were successful, how do you forward GMail without getting that damn banner across the top for a week? Tried it on some garbage gmails I created. HUGE green banner across the top. I did it as a rule. (Yes I know how to create conditional forwards in Gmail) if email = my wifes ex/ EA partner then forward. I dont want all her email. She gets tons of useless crap but I want to monitor her IF the ex emails her.
end hijack


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

She used her email app on her phone (which never left her hand). It doesn't show up there. I also don't believe she would have paid enough attention to notice anything on the screen. The whole time was pretty hazy and I don't remember seeing anything showing emails were being forwarded.

Does it show up after a certain amount of time? If so, I didn't have the emails forwarded for more than a few days at a time. I started by watching to see if anything untoward was happening, I think three days later she got the new email address. I forwarded that one at that time. The emails got a LOT more explicit since she thought there was no way I could see it, and it only lasted about four days before the EVENT.

So I don't think it would work for extended monitoring, unless they use a smart phone app exclusively.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Damn fine job, DE13. Damn fine job.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

A success story! Thank you for coming here to post it!

There are so many men who need to see how it's done. You pushed past fear and pain to do what was RIGHT.

Thanks again for letting us know, and all my best, OP!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

InlandTXMM said:


> A success story! Thank you for coming here to post it!
> 
> There are so many men who need to see how it's done. You pushed past fear and pain to do what was RIGHT.
> 
> Thanks again for letting us know, and all my best, OP!


I know, right? I got misty-eyed reading it.

DE,
She's going to be begging to come home at some point. Begin thinking about how you will deal with that.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Is she still with the OM? Has she shown any regret or remorse for blowing up her family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Is she still with the OM? Has she shown any regret or remorse for blowing up her family?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I noticed the same lack myself. It is amazing how folks can do things that are blatantly wrong and never admit anything. Absolutely amazing.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She has been married before. I wonder what happened to her first marriage. I would think her first husband's viewpoint would be interesting.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

sandc said:


> I know, right? I got misty-eyed reading it.
> 
> DE,
> She's going to be begging to come home at some point. Begin thinking about how you will deal with that.


She has. Repeatedly. All the while continuing on her other path. I told her flat out that I was not plan B, she replied that I was plan A. I told her that there is no plan A if there's a plan B then. She blamed me for splitting up the family at this point.



LostViking said:


> Is she still with the OM? Has she shown any regret or remorse for blowing up her family?


Yes she's still with him. Had an argument yesterday when she decided to snoop through my facebook about me messaging girls, and she said they are buying a house together. I told her I feel sorry for him because she was going to do it to him next. She shows no remorse about hurting me, but is sad for the kids having to grow up in a family like this.



aug said:


> She has been married before. I wonder what happened to her first marriage. I would think her first husband's viewpoint would be interesting.


She said he cheated on her repeatedly. I of course believed her. I could always ask him, it may be similar to mine.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Defriend her so she can't snoop your facebook.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So when is your first date with her best friend?


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

I don't always read long posts, but when I do, I'll read yours!


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

You are on the road to recovery. Like the others here, I was in a similar boat as you. Yet, 2.5 years later after DDay I feel like a new man. My life is 200,000,000% better. I made changes to all aspects of my life that have made life so much happier and peaceful for me.

I wish you well and think in time you are going to be very happy. Hang in there...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

DoveEnigma13 said:


> There's nothing to expose. Exposing at work would just cause problems for me. Nothing to expose for the OM. He was living with his parents when they started seeing each other. I could tell his parents, but that would do nothing for me.
> 
> They say the best revenge is living well, but I think the best revenge in my case will be start dating her ex best friend.


Exactly!! Moving on and living well is the best. Spending all the time being a sounding gong for the exposure junkies just causes you more pain as more people ask and you perseverate on it.

You did great!!


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

sandc said:


> Defriend her so she can't snoop your facebook.


She was at my house and logged in to my facebook account. And I did.



harrybrown said:


> So when is your first date with her best friend?


Which messages do you think pissed her off so much?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Have you filed yet and had her served?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She is going to have a tough time keeping this a secret when the holidays come up.
I mean if someone asks you where she is you could just say you are separating and leave it at that but I hope you are not going to lie for her.
Going out with her best friend, oh yeah.:lol:
Is she hotter than stbxw?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

dating is a good way to empower yourself (in your case it seems that you already had your grieving period), so do it see that there are good women out there willing to make you plan A.

Also, I understand your view towards exposure in this case, but you have to at least do it with family and close friends, they will also become your support group. (including her family).

and you have to begin to see things realistically towrds the situation with your step son, you have to begin to define the legal searation.

any way go and date already man.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

Yes Tom. Much hotter.

I know realistically that I have no claim on her son, but I have been taking care of him most days.

The holidays were odd to say the least. Although her family is supportive of me, they still don't want their extended family to know. Seeing how the rest of her family sweeps problems under the rug, I understand some of her problems.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Where are you in the divorce process and when is it final?
Is she still with Smoky Grandpa?
How did she meet this clown?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Update?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

So man, how are you doing these days?, I was thinking in this thread the other day but I had forgotten your user name, is good that someone brought it back, I hope things a going good for you and your daugther.

and if you are not dating nobody regularly at least I hope you are emotionally in a better place in your life


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

Divorce was finalized last Wednesday. I don't owe child support, she doesn't pay me any, but she would have if I really fought her for it. I didn't think it was worth a few bucks.

I still have my daughter six nights a week. Still have my house. Had some success dating, but I don't want to start anything serious at the moment.

Got treatment for my depression and PTSD, so I feel enormously better about myself.

She's pregnant with the POSOM's baby now. So that makes three kids and two ex husbands before 30. Didn't say so, but she's going to Vegas for a "friends wedding" next month. She'll have to work fast to have her third ex husband before July so she can make the full double hat trick.

I'm happy, healthier than I was, and trucking along.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Where are you in the divorce process and when is it final?
> Is she still with Smoky Grandpa?
> How did she meet this clown?


I updated with the divorce stuff, still with the old timer and having a kid, most likely getting married to him next month.

She met him at work, we all work at the prison here.


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