# Tell Secrets - Decimate the Family



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Many of you know my story of how I hate my father and feel betrayed by my mother and sister for running back to my father and his abuse because he got his inheritance.

My whole family is not speaking to me right now and my dad is back in his throne. Through the years my father has told me his dirty little secrets, I don't know why he did that, but he did.

He cheated on my mother through the years because she got fat and she stunk (his words). He also had a 2 year affair where he would lie about working late and go over this woman's apartment. She became pregnant and my father broke it off. He has never seen her again. I could have a brother or sister out there in the world. 

He has told me in detail how gross looking he thinks my mother is. How stupid he thinks she is. He is very verbally abusive so he says those things to her daily. But yet, she stays. I think she has Stockholm Syndrome and doesn't really see what is going on in front of her face. Last year I told her that if she continued to take my father's side over mine anymore, our relationship would change. Me and my mother were super close. Her response was SO BE IT. 

Should I tell my mother about all the affairs and the baby? Will that wake her up? My father will go ballistic and my family would crumble. But I am getting desperate because she is choosing to stay with this d!ck and has turned her back on me. Am I being childish and selfish? Hell yeah I am. 

Don't blast me with negativity, I am just wondering what I should do. Your advice and comments would be helpful. Perhaps give me other avenues to consider that I may not have thought of.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No they will not take your side no matter what you do. 

Somehow you need to disentangle yourself from your family of origin. Stop letting them hurt you. Your father is a very sick and perverted abuser. Unfortunately, you can not save your mother and sister from him. Stay available for them if they should decide to get out. Now it is time for you to start that long journey of letting go and recovery. Control yourself, fix your life. It is fruitless to try to do that for someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your mother most likely would not believe you unless the proof were super iron clad.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Monstrous contempt such as the one your father has for your mother is very hard to keep under wraps. Your mother probably senses that your father hates her and that he has betrayed her. Nevertheless my heart goes out to her for being married to a monster.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Codependent mom and vacuous sister. They are staying with him by choice. Walk away and live your life. You'll only poison your soul by trying to get them on your side. Your mom knows the truth and your sister won't care. Be done with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How is it that she does not know about him for so long? I think she knows about it. Women are much more adept in finding out the H's affairs. They just have that intuition. 

Since she told you "So Be It", it is advisable for you to take some distance and be there to support them should they need. You do not know what takes her to be with him. Do you?


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

She was raised very Catholic and had that STAND BY YOUR MAN mentality. She knows how I feel about my father and for years me and my mom were so close. She finally understood why I felt the way I feel about my father. Those were good days.

Recently, it seems she has turned into him, and we no longer have those wonderful long conversations we used to have. My sister is the same way. Her boyfriend blew his brains out in front of her and changed her forever. Changed her for the worst. She is milking the sympathy so blatantly it is sick. She already has a new man living with her and says she loves him but then will post things about her dead boyfriend that I am sure hurts her new boyfriend. She has become mean. I never thought I could live without my sister and mother, but after two weeks of no contact, I feel jubilant! My mother is making zero effort to find out what is going on with me and neither is my sister. Actions speak louder than words. I am hurt, no doubt, but I don't want to change who I am just to be part of a family who is as screwed up as the Addams Family.


----------



## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Your mother probably already knows. I'd still tell her, let her do what she wishes to do with the info, and cut all ties with the family.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

1. Your reasons and motives are purely selfish. You already know that but what you may not know is you should not act from that emotional place. You are being so selfish and headstrong that you know your family will be destroyed, yet you do not care. How you can know that AND not give a darn AND want to do it anyway is sooooo much worse than the awful person you consider your father to be. You just want to do it for your own reasons. How exactly you will be helping her I do not know and don't think you know either. For that matter, it makes you even more stupid than you consider your mother to be because after you have destroyed the family, then what will you do? You certainly have no plan to help them because there will be no helping that you can do.

Always act from a place of love in your heart. Don't be selfish or vengeful. If you wish to help your mother, then be available when SHE says she needs help, and be prepared to provide the assistance she specifically requests. What and when are not for you to decide. Live your own life without trying to control and manipulate others.

2. You think your mother is clueless, but I assure you she is not. Whether or not she knows ALL of the details is irrelevant. She knows plenty enough from living it all these years to be able to make up her own mind without you thinking you are so much smarter than she is. Besides that, what she does not already know, she will ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to believe. She will hate you for saying anything at all whether she already knew or not.

3. You do not know the wrath of a woman scorned, but you surely will learn if you tell her these things you think she needs to know so badly. Like I said, she is not as clueless as you think. What might make her angry (out of overwhelming embarrassment) is learning that YOU know of them and you throwing them up in her face. If you think she has turned her back on you now, you have not the imagination to fathom what she will do then.

4. Like you, I also think women are stupid for staying with abusive men. I have no idea why they do but the fact is, I don't need to know why, and you don't need to know why your mother does. It is not your problem. But, if I may speculate, the only thing I can think is there is some level of desperation, and your mother surely sounds desperate. If she depends on him for her bread and butter (if she doesn't have a job), then she is desperate for that reason. However, she does depend on him for her life. She has convinced herself of that out of desperation.

5. Make sure you do not become stupid like your mother. Little do you know the very great likelihood that you will meet an abusive man one day. Keep your head about you so you don't get caught up in thinking you are in love with the abuse or the abuser. Have sense enough to walk away and know in advance walking away will be a hard thing to do. It will not be so easy as you think. And, make sure you get a good education so you can support yourself. Having to depend on someone who is abusive is a terrible thing. Again, make sure you do not become your mother. Make sure you do not become desperate. I know you are saying right now that you will never be stupid like that, and you will never be desperate like that. That is what your mother said also, and all the other women who never leave said it too.


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

If you're prepared to walk away then just do it.
Telling them will only serve to bond them closer to him and become more toxic to you.
Say nothing and walk away.
You are responsible for you and you alone.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

When I initially started this thread, I was in the middle of an emotionial rage. I have since calmed down and realized that no matter what I do or say, my mother and sister are going to make their own decisions. And they have chosen to stick with my father and stay in the vortex of bile.

I am not going to tell my mother what I know. It is none of my business, but in my moment of anger and pain, I unleashed it here instead of on my mother. I have decided to walk away from the family because it is best for me. It's pretty painful and half of me is going crazy, but I think 44 years is enough.

Thanks for all of your posts, though being called stupid wasn't really necessary.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> Should I tell my mother about all the affairs and the baby? Will that wake her up? My father will go ballistic and my family would crumble. But I am getting desperate because she is choosing to stay with this d!ck and has turned her back on me. Am I being childish and selfish? Hell yeah I am.


Telling her will not wake her up to it. If she has endured this kind of behavior from him for a very long time, if she is indeed suffering from a kind of Stockholm Syndrome, she is unlikely to leave him. So telling her will only make her feel worse about herself and the relationship whose problems she has rug-swept for a long time.

By doing this, you may think you have a chance to convince her to not turn her back on you and to welcome you in her life, but it is doubtful. My guess is that if you're an adult and she's been with him for this long, she needs your love and support and pity more than she needs you to try and push her to change something that she unlikely to change.

Others may disagree with me on this. You may not respect her for her choices, but....maybe you can offer her support in ways that will build her own self-confidence, instead? Encourage her to take care of herself and her appearance to minimize his hypercriticism, encourage her to invest time in hobbies and friends, and maybe one of these days she will start to question things. If she raises the issue herself, you might have a chance to get through to her. However, if she feels your interference is unwelcome, you're going to hurt her yourself, and any future chance of helping her get through things.

It sucks, but sometimes, people can't see a way out of their situations and trying to force them makes it much much harder for them to consider looking for a way out.

I think you should leave it alone. Again, others may disagree, but this is how I see it.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

River1977 said:


> 1. For that matter, it makes you even more stupid than you consider your mother to be because after you have destroyed the family, then what will you do? You certainly have no plan to help them because there will be no helping that you can do.


I really appreciate your post, you said some very helpful things, but don't call a person STUPID when they are in pain and asking for help.


----------

