# Would you consider this cheating?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

If your SO kept their dating profiles active long after reconciliation, is that ok or is that cheating? 

My best friend (we'll call him Nick) and neighbor has been dating the same woman for 3 years. They had a brief breakup back in October and in no time she was on the dating sites. (I'm single so that's how I found out). But nothing wrong with that since they broke up.

Then he reconciles with her in early November. Since that time I have noticed she has kept open her dating profiles and is still active on at least 2 that I know of. I asked him recently if they have broken up again and he said no. I asked if they were exclusive or into the open relationship thing and he laughed and said that they were exclusive and would never do such a thing being open.

He has no idea that she is on these sites. I have not told him but I am tempted to confront his girlfriend about it. This whole thing sucks because he's been cheated on before. His trust in her will take a hit.

Would you consider what she's doing is wrong? I feel like it's cheating. She should have deleted her accounts or been upfront.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Cheating


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes.

Duh.

Tell him already.

Take screenshots so that you have proof.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Cheating?
Obvious the poor slug is Option z.

Be forewarned- if you blab, you run a 50/50 chance of being the bunghole who is a meddling loser.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> If you are his best friend he obviously only has vile disgusting enemies in this world.
> 
> For you certainly are no better than that.


Huh?
Have you discussed this reply with Mary?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hold your horses! I am not going to allow this to continue happening to my friend. I just needed to get evidence before proceeding in case she lies about it.

I have screenshots of his GF on the 2 sites with the time stamps, so I have the evidence. I even have screenshots showing her currently on-line, was last online an hour ago, etc.

I think telling her she better tell him or else I will show him the evidence is the way to go. If she doesn't ,then I'll go straight to him. Is there a better reason I should just go straight to him about it instead of her first? I am aware of running a risk of being the meddling friend.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

HD-
I've done both. Numerous times.
Threaten the WS with exposure and then told the BS.

Told the BS and said nothing to WS.

It really depends how the wind is blowing and who wants you to do their dirty work for them.

Crapshoot on this and sometimes you keep your mouth shut.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> No. You are right. I am sure she would counsel me to be more calm.
> 
> She is much more calm than I on these issues.


I think that you and Mary - as a team- could garner a response for the OP that could guide him with wisdom and patience through this experience that is obviously bugging him.

Sometimes we need to tiptoe through tulips and be pragmatic.

Yes?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> Hold your horses! I am not going to allow this to continue happening to my friend. I just needed to get evidence before proceeding in case she lies about it.
> 
> I have screenshots of his GF on the 2 sites with the time stamps, so I have the evidence. I even have screenshots showing her currently on-line, was last online an hour ago, etc.
> 
> I think telling her she better tell him or else I will show him the evidence is the way to go. If she doesn't ,then I'll go straight to him. Is there a better reason I should just go straight to him about it instead of her first? I am aware of running a risk of being the meddling friend.


You should go directly to your friend and skip the gf. You run a much greater risk of wrecking your friendship telling her to tell or else than just being direct. She will spin or minimize, maybe start making accusations against you. If your friend also finds out you know/knew but didn't tell him he could very well write you off as a friend. Just be direct and give him the info and let him handle it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Houstondad said:


> Hold your horses! I am not going to allow this to continue happening to my friend. I just needed to get evidence before proceeding in case she lies about it.
> 
> I have screenshots of his GF on the 2 sites with the time stamps, so I have the evidence. I even have screenshots showing her currently on-line, was last online an hour ago, etc.
> 
> I think telling her she better tell him or else I will show him the evidence is the way to go. If she doesn't ,then I'll go straight to him. Is there a better reason I should just go straight to him about it instead of her first? I am aware of running a risk of being the meddling friend.


How will you know if she tells him?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> I think that you and Mary - as a team- could garner a response for the OP that could guide him with wisdom and patience through this experience that is obviously bugging him.
> 
> Sometimes we need to tiptoe through tulips and be pragmatic.
> 
> Yes?


Yes


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I see what you're saying Honcho and you're right. As a matter of fact, that option started to make sense the more I thought about it after my last post. 

I'm going to tell him. He may be pissed at me in the beginning, but in the long run he'll understand.

I'll keep you guys posted on what happens. Just sucks for what I'm about to witness in my friend. He'll need all of my support to make sure he stands firm and doesn't let her try to blame him for her poor choices.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

sandcastle said:


> I think that you and Mary - as a team- could garner a response for the OP that could guide him with wisdom and patience through this experience that is obviously bugging him.
> 
> Sometimes we need to tiptoe through tulips and be pragmatic.
> 
> Yes?


WTF is this? Who is Mary? LOL 

Houstondad, you should tell your BFF. I've made this mistake in the past. He won't believe your story later.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> WTF is this? Who is Mary?


Do TRY to keep up Rocks-

As for you advice to OP?
Yeah- not your friend and not your life.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

HD-
Tread lightly and be vigilant-
Sometimes this just does NOT work out for an empath.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Huston,

If you tell her she will have time to think out her story, cover her tracks and start acting extra nice etc. This will just push his pain further into the future.

It's better if you tell him, give him the contact info. for a polygraph, private investigator, a link to this site etc. so he can game her. Do it before she gets pregnant, STD infected or marries him as in immediately.

Tamat


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your friend's GF is taking him for a ride. 

Tell him. Even if he gets mad at you he will appreciate it one day.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Anything done that would have a tendency to undermine a marital or committed relationship, either knowingly or unknowingly, is deemed to be cheating!

In your example, Hell yes ~ it's cheating!*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I personally would be tempted to do the info in the envelope thing, maybe anonymously. You'd let him know and he could do with the info what he wanted. You wouldn't have to suffer the kill the messenger problem.

But straight up man style telling him is probably right.

Yes, It's definitely cheating. Yes, he should know. He should dump her. She's not invested in the relationship anymore. IT's going to end as soon as a replacement, she finds.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Tell him already. Have evidence by taking screen shots so she can't deny. He deserves to know his girlfriend is a hoe!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Just say you're treating him as you hope he'd treat you in the same situation. You are looking out for him and thought it was weird.

Maybe his GF has a friend using the profile, maybe not.

Just tell him in a matter of fact way and let it play out.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

She's cheating. But he knows that already.?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Get your friend to make a false profile and match her. See if she would me up with him. No denial then.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

LOl I caught my friend's gf on dating sites... I'll go and confront her first and not tell my friend first.

I read that sentence, re-read, then read it again.

Not to be mean but getting cheated on must do a number of some folks. Is it even a question that you'd tell your buddy first?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey everyone,

I asked my friend to come over for a beer and help with our fence yesterday. I took a deep breath and told him what I knew. And he was angry(not with me)...and sad, all at once. Then I think shock set in. He couldn't believe she would do such a thing because he said she's always been transparent...almost to a fault. I told him I was sorry it was me to be the one to tell him. He said he would have done the same for me, so...

We talked about all the scenarios or excuses she may come up with when confronting her and he wanted to minimize and have an answer to each one. We knew it was likely she had the profile when they went through a breakup, so she may say she forgot about it or did not know how to delete it. Ya know, some sorry ass excuse.

So he wanted to do his homework and gather some pretty strong evidence of just not her having the profile, but that she's actively engaging and/or dating men. He said he would love nothing more than for her to accept a date and he shows up as her "date". 

He asked me to help him set up a fake profile so we set one up. His profile is pretty funny with the handsome male model. He sent her a "wink" and an message indicating he thought she was pretty, etc. last night. No reply last night. I told him to be patient, but I understand if he couldn't wait any longer and confront her right away.

So....this morning, he told me he just received an alert that she had just viewed his profile, but has not replied back. It also showed she was "Active Online". He told me he's going to wait a little bit more to see if she sends a message, before confronting her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I don’t get why he doesn’t just dump her.

They’re not married, no need for all the hoop-jumping.

Also, kudos on the exposure.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> I don’t get why he doesn’t just dump her.
> 
> They’re not married, no need for all the hoop-jumping.
> 
> Also, kudos on the exposure.


I know, but I think he's in shock.

He's in love with her and told me that yesterday. He had talked about moving in with her in the future before. Once the dust settles, he'll make his move.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Update** My buddy asked for my help this morning with the other dating app called Tinder. Is it true that Tinder is mainly a way to "hook-up" or no strings attached dating site? I personally don't use it, but to each their own...

The way Tinder is designed I was able to create several different fake profiles, waited all day and finally swiped right on her. As of tonight, no match which means either she thinks my profiles are either fake or she's not interested. 

I know it's kinda devious doing it this way, but I have not swiped tight on anyone else so as to not get innocents involved. 

I just texted him and he said it has been crickets on getting a response from her on the other site as of tonight. But he told me it shows that she was last on an hour ago and they went out to the movies, so she's still actively on the other dating site....while they are together. He said it took everything he had not to confront her right there. I asked him why not?!? And he said he feels that if she responds to him on our fake dating profile that it will leave zero doubts that she is no good for him.

He told me he plans to wait until tomorrow for a possible connection on those dating sites. I told him he has more than enough ammo to confront her, but I think he's feeling a bit apprehensive. I've been encouraging him all night. I plan to head over to see him in the morning and give him one final push!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

A wink on a dating site is not going to do anything.

Women get winks and likes ALL the time from men and mostly these men want just to bang so it will take a heck of a lot more to even get a bite.

It could be she's using the site as an ego boost but there's also a thing called reverse image search where you can search for an image and most times get the source of the image. Male model pictures look exactly like modelling pictures so she'll probably know it's a catfish post.

This method will likely not work.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> A wink on a dating site is not going to do anything.
> 
> Women get winks and likes ALL the time from men and mostly these men want just to bang so it will take a heck of a lot more to even get a bite.
> 
> ...


Well, crap.

My friend did send her a message saying she was "pretty" yesterday, but this morning, he said he sent 2 more messages out of desperation. I told him to stop because now he's coming across as "creepy" and probably screwed up his chance to get her to respond. Or she found the reverse image so it's all for nothing anyways.

I had no idea about the reverse image. As of this morning, she hasn't matched so it's likely either:

A) She knows it's fake and is not engaging.
B) She doesn't think the profile is worth swiping.
C) She is just on there for the ego boost.

If she doesn't respond, I can see her defending herself that it just boosted her ego. Such a lame excuse.

If my girl did that for an ego boost, that would be one GIANT RED flag IMO and I'd probably move on.

I'll keep you guys posted...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He needs to grow a pair and cut out all this childishness. 


He doesn’t sound mature enough to be dating anyone or even considering a committed relationship.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> He needs to grow a pair and cut out all this childishness.
> 
> 
> He doesn’t sound mature enough to be dating anyone or even considering a committed relationship.


Bro, I don't think everyone is as hard as nails as you are when they get their heart stomped on like his just did. 

I don't know about immature, but he lacks confidence and can second-guess himself so he definitely needs to improve himself there. I know he has invested a lot into that relationship, so maybe he's a little afraid to let go. If it's me, if my relationship became toxic like this one, I'd cut my ties before it messes with my head.

I hope he takes my advice to come on here and listen to everyone's advice, but he says how can a stranger know better than those closest to him. Right now it's just me and his sister who he is turning to for advice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tell him lots of guys are in love with cheaters who are their wives. He found her. He can find another. She's proven to him that she's actively searching for his replacement.

Dump her. Not giving her an explanation is what I'd recommend. Let her wonder the rest of her life.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

HD-

Let it go now for your involvement.

These situations can take numerous nasty turns and I would hate to see you become the bad guy... 

Step back with the PI stuff and be his rock and his shoulder to cry on.

He is going to need you.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

sandcastle said:


> Do TRY to keep up Rocks-
> 
> As for you advice to OP?
> Yeah- not your friend and not your life.


Last time I checked, this is a forum where people seek the opinions of strangers. :x I find it odd that someone would refer to their spouse by name on here, and relay their opinions to us, but whatever. 

And, as I said, I happened to be in a very similar situation myself last year, and lost a good friend over it.


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## MikeinTexas (Dec 8, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> HD-
> 
> Let it go now for your involvement.
> 
> ...


I'd give my friend access to the Tinder account so he can monitor it himself. I agree you need to step back out of this so you can minimize any involvement.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> Last time I checked, this is a forum where people seek the opinions of strangers. :x I find it odd that someone would refer to their spouse by name on here, and relay their opinions to us, but whatever.
> 
> .


It is not "odd " or "whatever" to William and Mary.

Furthermore- I do believe you were trying to chide me because you knew nothing about William and his Mary.

That did not work out so well for you.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It just gets weirder and weirder around here.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

That's not odd at all. What was I thinking? LOL 

sandcastle, not everything is about you.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

OnTheRocks said:


> That's not odd at all. What was I thinking? LOL
> 
> sandcastle, not everything is about you.


True dat.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Houstondad:

1. If you really value this guy's friendship, I would tell him that you were backing off as far as writing stuff up for him, but that you were there for him if he needs support. 

2. Let him know that you really value his friendship, your door is always open, but that its his relationship and he must confront her in his own way. He has to handle this. 

3. If they R then he may tell her how he found out and you will get the blame from her and she may require that he dump you. Therefore, tell him that he needs to keep his sources secret. Just sayin'.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

skerzoid said:


> Houstondad:
> 
> 1. If you really value this guy's friendship, I would tell him that you were backing off as far as writing stuff up for him, but that you were there for him if he needs support.
> 
> ...


I agree Skerzoid, especially now with #3, but I can't take back what I already did. So I run a risk. In hindsight, If I were to do it again, I would be anonymous.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

*Update*

A little long, my apologies....

My neighbor came over this morning with Starbucks and I knew right away from the look on his face they had talked. So he spilt just about everything with me over the last 2 hours. Here's a quick outline of what was said:

1. Late last night, he confronted her about the Match dating account. She did not deny having one.

2. Told him she had bought a 6 month subscription when they broke up. He asked why she did not delete it. She replied, since they got back together, she figured to just let it "run it's course". 

3. He asked her why did she not tell him about this and she said she didn't think there was anything wrong with it, so why even mention it.
4. He said he learned she was "active" on the site. She responded and said it was likely because any time she gets an email from Match, it probably showed her active. He asked why did she not just ignore the emails and she said she did. Then he said that was a lie because he has proof from his co-worker ( thank god he did not mention me) that she viewed him. 

4. At that point, she said she never responded to anyone. Just looked because she liked the attention. Then she blamed him for not being around her more often as that is one of her needs. She felt that since he was not giving her the attention she needed, she got it somewhere else. 
She blamed him that he is dragging his feet to get engaged with her (weird because he told her right in front of me that marriage is in their sights just a month or so ago when we did a couples night together).

5. She said she doesn't trust that getting engaged is what he wants and she has felt this way for months, so she was protecting herself with possible options in case he moves on.

6. She said that being on dating sites is ok, as long as she's not flirting/replying to men's messages. It made her feel important. She said she never responded or chatted to anyone since they were back together. Plus, they aren't in a committed marriage so it's "ok", but if they were married she wouldn't do this.

7. He said he knows about Match and asked her has she been on anything else recently, and she said Match was the only site she's been on. He told her she's been dishonest with him and at worse she's been cheating. He started to leave her place and she broke down begging him not to leave and that it was wrong and she was sorry. He said he needed space to think about things and left and came straight to my place.
------------------------------
He's angry at her and himself. He blames himself for not being a better boyfriend to give her more attention. He said she has shared about him not being around enough in the past, and he has tried to do better, but apparently he's still failing. He feels if he was there more for her, none of this would have happened.

I told him I'm here for him and all that good friend stuff fellas do for each other. I told him not to blame himself. Everyone is responsible for their behavior and actions. It was her choice to keep the dating sites active. It was her choice to go on and view other men. It was her choice to hide this from him.

I told him not to go off the deep end with alcohol and that I'd rather him see a therapist, family or me. I strongly encouraged a therapist and gave him a number of a guy I know. 

I'm a little worried for him because he looked terrible. Apparently, they were up all night at her place discussing this. I'm worried he lacks the strength to do the right thing. His GF can be controlling and dominant at times. And she's very clever, so I'm concerned.

I really want to jump in and protect him and help guide him, but right now I'm deciding not to. This reminds me so much of my ex and her reasoning for cheating on me, so I can relate on a certain level. Definitely a trigger, but I'm fine.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Houstondad said:


> *Update*
> 
> A little long, my apologies....
> 
> ...




Your friend isn't MikeinTexas is it? these two stories sound so similar.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My neighbor's name is not Mike, but it's sure damn close to being the same. I saw his story yesterday and it crossed my mind. But it can't be him because he doesn't have any children and this Mike guy apparently does. Plus, my friend hasn't broken up with his girlfriend and quite frankly, I have a bad feeling he isn't going to.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well. She really isn't ready for a committed relationship much less being engaged and married.

Her mindset is all wrong for it and she is blameshifting faster than a NASCAR 🏁 vet.

Maybe if she got help?

She just isn't loyal or trustworthy.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

MikeinTexas said:


> I'd give my friend access to the Tinder account so he can monitor it himself. I agree you need to step back out of this so you can minimize any involvement.


Mike in Texas or Houston-

These are just 2 men in the Lone Star State that are being uh- Tinderized - and it is ALL THEIR FAULT!

Time to dump the slags that make you Option z.

Don't forget- Tinder and every sex/ dating app is a new serving of 31 Flavors EVERY DAY-


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

sandcastle said:


> Mike in Texas or Houston-
> 
> These are just 2 men in the Lone Star State that are being uh- Tinderized - and it is ALL THEIR FAULT!
> 
> ...


Was this response too PA, snotty , poking with a stick /trollish?

Am I getting better?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Well. She really isn't ready for a committed relationship much less being engaged and married.
> 
> Her mindset is all wrong for it and she is blameshifting faster than a NASCAR 🏁 vet.
> 
> ...


I think I might text my friend your NASCAR quote. It's funny and eye opening all at the same time.

My mom told me after my last relationship that I need to find a woman who loves herself and doesn't need to be in a relationship so badly. She said a want instead of a need is best. Except these kinds of women OR men are hard to find!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Houstondad said:


> I think I might text my friend your NASCAR quote. It's funny and eye opening all at the same time.
> 
> My mom told me after my last relationship that I need to find a woman who loves herself and doesn't need to be in a relationship so badly. She said a want instead of a need is best. Except these kinds of women OR men are hard to find!


 I was just going to post for you to tell your friend to google Blameshifting then let it rest with him, I refreshed and you were already on it so Good Man!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She treats relationships like she is roadtesting cars.

And that's not how it should work.


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