# I know this relationship is not normal.. is it enough to leave?



## *restless* (Nov 5, 2009)

My husband and I got married 5 years ago, I am 25 and he is 28. I dont know how to explain our marriage other than it feels more like a room mate situation. We agree on most basic things, but we are not intimate at all, along the lines of 4 times a year. When we are intimate its very awkward and I do most of the work and its passionless. I dont think he is cheating, because he is so introverted and self conscious that I couldnt see him doing that, which is another problem because I am somewhat of an extrovert. We dont talk much, because when I talk to him he has a certain attitude towards me, almost like Im not important enough to say anything, or what I have to talk about is not of worth, for example if I tell him about something that happened during the day he might say something like "so?". If I tell him Im going to go walk and excercise he says "what good is that going to do you?". He says he is just kidding but when he has nothing nice to say to me, I dont take it that way. I couldnt get a compliment out of him if it cost him his life but I hear compliments from other guys and I miss that. He worships the ground his parents walk on and he is the carbon copy of his father, who to me is an old fashioned sexist, and his mother listens to his father's every command and does what she is told without a thank you or upward glance. I do all of the work in our house, with little to no help from him, on top of my job as well as paying most of the bills while he plays video games, and most of what I do is not good enough because he always has something to say about my cooking or my laundry. I pick up all of the clothes he leaves on the floor and the messes because he is too lazy to do it. Almost every weekend he leaves to go stay with his parents and I go to see my parents with our son. Kissing him is awkward when we do kiss at all and so is hugging. I feel almost like im hugging a stranger or like its forced. We have no chemistry at all and I am always feeling down about all these other great relationships that I see other people having. About the only thing we have to talk about now are a few tv shows and our son. We can go for days without speaking and sometimes he will avoid my phone calls. I feel like i have lost my feelings for him, either through resentment or just not having a strong enough spark from the beginning. He is a good father who is there as a father, but he is not there for me as a husband. I just want to feel that "spark" again and the feeling of worth and love that I have felt in previous relationships. I am also very strong in my belief not to cheat so I feel stuck, should I leave and could this be fixed with a counselor? 
The only reason I havnt left yet is because of my 2 year old son, it breaks my heart that he would be stuck in the middle of a divorce, but I also cant live in a loveless marriage like this anymore.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Have you told him you are thinking about leaving him?

He sure sounds awful - I would leave him if I were you - but first I would give him a chance to change.












*restless* said:


> My husband and I got married 5 years ago, I am 25 and he is 28. I dont know how to explain our marriage other than it feels more like a room mate situation. We agree on most basic things, but we are not intimate at all, along the lines of 4 times a year. When we are intimate its very awkward and I do most of the work and its passionless. I dont think he is cheating, because he is so introverted and self conscious that I couldnt see him doing that, which is another problem because I am somewhat of an extrovert. We dont talk much, because when I talk to him he has a certain attitude towards me, almost like Im not important enough to say anything, or what I have to talk about is not of worth, for example if I tell him about something that happened during the day he might say something like "so?". If I tell him Im going to go walk and excercise he says "what good is that going to do you?". He says he is just kidding but when he has nothing nice to say to me, I dont take it that way. I couldnt get a compliment out of him if it cost him his life but I hear compliments from other guys and I miss that. He worships the ground his parents walk on and he is the carbon copy of his father, who to me is an old fashioned sexist, and his mother listens to his father's every command and does what she is told without a thank you or upward glance. I do all of the work in our house, with little to no help from him, on top of my job as well as paying most of the bills while he plays video games, and most of what I do is not good enough because he always has something to say about my cooking or my laundry. I pick up all of the clothes he leaves on the floor and the messes because he is too lazy to do it. Almost every weekend he leaves to go stay with his parents and I go to see my parents with our son. Kissing him is awkward when we do kiss at all and so is hugging. I feel almost like im hugging a stranger or like its forced. We have no chemistry at all and I am always feeling down about all these other great relationships that I see other people having. About the only thing we have to talk about now are a few tv shows and our son. We can go for days without speaking and sometimes he will avoid my phone calls. I feel like i have lost my feelings for him, either through resentment or just not having a strong enough spark from the beginning. He is a good father who is there as a father, but he is not there for me as a husband. I just want to feel that "spark" again and the feeling of worth and love that I have felt in previous relationships. I am also very strong in my belief not to cheat so I feel stuck, should I leave and could this be fixed with a counselor?
> The only reason I havnt left yet is because of my 2 year old son, it breaks my heart that he would be stuck in the middle of a divorce, but I also cant live in a loveless marriage like this anymore.


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## blah (Oct 14, 2009)

I know exactly how you are feeling! Trust me, he will not chance. The same things that you described is exactly what I have been going through for almost five years. I also have a son who is three years old and my precious baby is the only thing from stopping me from leaving. Although I hear that it is bad to expose children to a loveless marriage, so that has given me strength to try to move on. When I have enough money to get my own place my child and I are moving out. Not out of town though, I still want my husband to be involved in our child's life. I also feel like we are strangers. Almost feels gross to hug and kiss. Just the other day he said he would help me clean our foom if you wen to shoot his bow with his friends. He ended up not going and not helping me clean the room. That is the least of our problems, but selfish people like that don't chance. He also has parents exactly like you described. I would leave if I were you, but it shows that you are a caring parent because your child is the one you are most concerned about. You sound like a fantastic mother. Good luck, let me know how things go for you. Take care.


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## taiwife (Nov 5, 2009)

Restless, Your explanation sounded like what I am going through, in fact what lead me to this place is to see if someone is passing through the same thing as I do. I have been married for 16 years! and so far I have experience ups and downs; change today, back to square one tomorrow. As at now my main problem is to daily persuade my 3 children to try and understand their dad, because they felt that he is not treating us right and that we should leave him. Because Christianity does not support divorce, I am at a cross road. I think I need separation for sometime at least to have some sanity around me. I have tried all sort to make things work instead other things are being added. Like he sleeps most of the day, or glue to the computer doing virtualy nothing, he is not working! So I pay all the bills, feeding and clothing! I need some space. On top of this I have no say, whatever he says must be the final. Can someone tell me this is right or am I going crazy remaining in this marriage. I am just fed up!


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## *restless* (Nov 5, 2009)

I have talked with him about it, the past year its been brought up that things need to change, mainly by me he has never brought it to my attention. And after one of our talks it would go right back to the same routine after a few days of making a small effort. Now the talks about it have been back to back and I finally told him that either we went to a counselor or it was over. We had a talk shortly after about what would happen if we divorced and we both agreed we trust the others judgement with our son and that a divorce would not be bitter but civil. Since then I have been trying to make an appointment with a counselor and Im waiting to hear back from the therapist about a day we can see her, and he has grown quiet and even more distant than before (which is extreme). Last night we didnt say one word to each other, I dont know what I have done recently in the past day to cause this silent treatment, but I feel like the fight is gone in me at this point and im thinking about just calling it done. I guess I want a third person perspective to tell me its over so I will feel more comfortable with it and I would feel like I at least tried everything I could, but in my mind im already thinking of the future and he's not in it.


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## *restless* (Nov 5, 2009)

No taiwife, I dont think this is normal.. im starting to wonder if men now have the same qualities they had in the old days. Now they are lazy and dont care about their families and responsibility. What happened to putting your wife and children first and making sure their needs were met before you go out and buy a... playstation, you know? What happened to working hard to make a living and that was your lively hood was how your family was doing and a man felt pride in getting the job done? They dont care anymore and that scares me about entering the dating world again.. one day, not now i wouldnt be ready for a long time and also need to help my son transition if it came to divorce, but one day what kind of man am I going to find in this world now?


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## taiwife (Nov 5, 2009)

Let someone with different opinion talk please. We need a man to talk, prefarably a counselor or someone with experience we are talking about. What is the way forward? We need help here. People say all men are the same, is that true? Men is this how you all behave now? What about your ego, pride, and sense of commitment to your family then? I don't believe nor agree that all men are the same. Please men speak and give counsel where necessary.


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## taiwife (Nov 5, 2009)

MarkTwain pls say something to this post, I like some of your comments.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

I think the answer to this question is really simple - leave now. Don't even wait for him to change - because he won't! My husband grew up in a loveless marriage and is now having trouble expressing his feelings and has no desire to have kids. Do your child a favour and leave this loveless marriage - show him that if we are sad and unsatisfied we need to fight for change and happiness and not give up, not give in! Once you find a man who shows love and affection, your son will understand why you divorced his biological father. And when he grows up and sees how your partner treats you opposed to his bio dad who will never be a loving husband - he will completely understand and respect your decision to divorce. I have no memory of my parents when I was 2. But my husband remembers only fragments of love which used to exists between his parents - and while his mum always says she did not divorce for the sake of them (kids) - she would actually do them a favour, as she is now a great example of someone who gives up, gives in. My husband is quite similar in coping with problems. He would rather sit and wait than act.


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## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

*restless* said:


> No taiwife, I dont think this is normal.. im starting to wonder if men now have the same qualities they had in the old days. Now they are lazy and dont care about their families and responsibility. What happened to putting your wife and children first and making sure their needs were met before you go out and buy a... playstation, you know? What happened to working hard to make a living and that was your lively hood was how your family was doing and a man felt pride in getting the job done?


Well, I can't speak for all mankind, but I can give you a man's perspective. My wife left me BECAUSE I put her first. I took crappy jobs, worked long shifts, complimented the way she looked etc, and she walked anyway. So, it's not just men that are messed up, I guess.

In your case, okay, he sounds pretty messed up. The family thing is weird, it's the whole "Peter Pan" syndrome thing, he's suddenly married with a kid, and he just wants to be a little boy again. He wants no responsibility, wants to be able to just go home and have his mother look after him. If his dad is quite old-school sexist, that could also be a reason, he's picking up his dad's habits, and he expected you to be just like his mom.

If I were you, I'd be on my way out the door as soon as you can. It sounds like it's almost inevitable now, and you sound like a nice person, good mother, you'll do fine.

There are plenty of nice guys out there, I promise. Go find yourself one!


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I'm starting to wonder if your H's behavior is a sympton of that particular generation. It seems there are a lot of threads here that mention this same type of behavior. I'm 50 and I can't even imagine sitting around playing video games all day. 

But of course, you can't paint every guy in that generation with the same brush. I'm sure there are guys that are your H's age that match your definition/expectation of a "real" husband.

One of the first books I read when my W and I started having problems was "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". It provided a great way to look at your marriage instead of the typical pros and cons list. The book is neither pro-marriage nor pro-divorce. You might consider buying it or checking it out at the library if you're undecided about staying or leaving.


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