# His Needs, Her Needs for atheists?



## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

I'm looking at buying His Needs, Her Needs, as its so commonly recommended, but my wife and I are both atheists and it's my understanding that this is a Christian-focused book. Is that correct? If so, is the religion aspect sort of a sidenote, or is every recommendation to pray together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The book has very minimal mention of a anythig religious. I rather doubt it would offend. There is no other comperable book out there. What it teaches is valid regardless of religious beliefs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not religious at all and I found the book helpful. Any religious talk is at a minimum, if at all. I think the book tends to be a patriarchal at times more than religious. I would read it and take what you find useful. Leave out what you don't find helpful to your relationship.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

5 love languages imo is better


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## capncrunch (Aug 18, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> 5 love languages imo is better


Anyone share this opinion? We have the LL book somewhere... got it as a gift when we were first married. But we didn't need it! We had true love! :banghead:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it helped us understand each others wants and needs better

as a result my wife became for touchy feely for me and I did more acts of service for her (like make her coffee without being asked as an example), as a result we both felt more loved and closer


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

I'm interested in his other book, "His needs, Her needs for Parents"

Anyone read this before?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband was an atheist, nearly to the point of extreme evangelism about it. _His Need, Her Needs _didn't offend him at all. He's said several times that he found it very helpful and that it taught him a lot. 

FWIW, it's never been very religiously focused, to the point that you sometimes see comments from readers who were dismayed at the lack of a clear message regarding prayer, etc. The older editions were, however, more strongly patriarchal in some sections. Finding the latest edition is a good idea.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Abovetheline said:


> I'm interested in his other book, "His needs, Her needs for Parents"
> 
> Anyone read this before?


It's the only one of his I haven't read. The rest of were all useful, though, so I don't see why that one wouldn't be as well.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

capncrunch said:


> Anyone share this opinion? We have the LL book somewhere... got it as a gift when we were first married. But we didn't need it! We had true love! :banghead:


5 Love Languages is a great book and is similar to his needs/her needs. I say read them both. 5 Love Languages is more Christian based BUT the bulk of Chapman's advice pertains to everyone. Even if the books were secular, there are going to be things that may or may not resonate with you and your marriage so just read them and take the things you find helpful, forget the things you don't.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

capncrunch said:


> Anyone share this opinion? We have the LL book somewhere... got it as a gift when we were first married. But we didn't need it! We had true love! :banghead:


I loved the Love Languages book. It complements what's in the His Needs, Her Needs. LL is a shorter book. HNHN goes into greater detail and covers things not in LL. Read both.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that HnHn and LL are similar but different. If I could only read one of them, it would read HnHn. 5LL covers a smaller set of things.the thing that mean love to a person. In marriage there are things that might not be a love language but we still need our spouse to do.

For example, I needed for my h to stop playing video games and go get a job. Not because him working is a love lsnguage but because I do not want to support a man who became unproductive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  talks about these..













His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  devotes a chapter to these core Emotional Needs ...



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









I have both books and do not mind the slight christian slant to them.. but I find His Needs /Her Needs just more thorough.. that's the one every couple should read...and in the mean time just take this Love Language test online.. this will help you & her identify what you are...








 Love Languages Personal Profile


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

capncrunch said:


> Anyone share this opinion? We have the LL book somewhere... got it as a gift when we were first married. But we didn't need it! We had true love! :banghead:


Not me. I hated 5 love languages. HNHN covers a lot more breadth. The boundary setting is key.

I am not saying that 5 love languages is bad. I just really prefer HNHN.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I do not view HNHN as a religious oriented book. That did not jump out at me.

It actually does not try to make decisions for you. It encourages you to work with your partner to set what your values are about.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

You know ... with the edition comment, I wonder if my long burning hatred for HNHN is based in good part on the edition I had. Given that I read it at the Christian bookstore I worked at, we might have stockpiled the extra patriarchal version.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I've read and liked both books but I liked HNHN a little better. I didn't mind the Christian slant.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm also an atheist and read the book and found it helpful. I don't remember it being religious at all, that said, I can read even highly religious books and simply ignore the useless bits.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

capncrunch said:


> Anyone share this opinion? We have the LL book somewhere... got it as a gift when we were first married. But we didn't need it! We had true love! :banghead:


They are both good books and in my opinion required reading. His needs her needs discussed the emotional needs of men and women and the five love languages discusses how we give and receive love. I have read both and would recomend them both. 

As you search for good books on marriage and relationships you will find out that most of the better ones are written by Christian authors and have varing degrees of biblical references in them. You will just have to decide what you are willing to deal with to improve your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> You know ... with the edition comment, I wonder if my long burning hatred for HNHN is based in good part on the edition I had. Given that I read it at the Christian bookstore I worked at, we might have stockpiled the extra patriarchal version.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that the advice a Christian male author might give his Christian audience a few decades ago was just a little different from what would be considered acceptable to a wider, less-conservative, less religious, readership today. And his work _was_ largely written for a conservative Christian audience 30-40 years ago. 

Dr. Harley's daughter, Dr. Chalmers, now helps him write/re-write his books. I think that, too, has helped tone down the paternalistic, patriarchal, slant a bit.


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## Kvothe_The_Raven (Apr 6, 2014)

Rather than any slant to Christianity, in HNHN it was the patriarchal/traditional mindset that I chose to take with a fist full of NaCl.

When I google for articles relating to my marital difficulties I do find that the overwhelming majority of results are found on religious sites, predominantly Christian. Even as an atheist I find a lot of articles helpful though and I simply ignore the messages that don't speak to me. The only time I get irritated is when I come across the old "leave it in god's hands" - it's a good message whatever your beliefs are if it's interpreted in the vain of acceptance and not trying to change others and anything that is beyond your control, but I have witnessed too many people misinterpret that message to basically mean "relinquish your responsibilities".

Really though, the way I see it, it doesn't matter that I don't believe in a deity or higher being/s - personal beliefs are personal and they help individuals get through the tangles in their paths. Love and respect are not (should not) be dependent ones belief system and any good book addressing human emotion and connection on a human level will have worthwhile information for everyone.

Anyhow, I'm not debating anybody's beliefs. I'm simply pointing out that I'm not Christian and I've gained lots of useful information from articles and books by religious authors because much of it is universal, like the Golden Rule.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kvothe_The_Raven said:


> Rather than any slant to Christianity, in HNHN it was the patriarchal/traditional mindset that I chose to take with a fist full of NaCl.


What people are calling the patriarchal/traditional mindset of the book did not phase me at all. And I'm am certainly not one to just accept things that are patriarchal/traditional. 

I think that the reason that I hardly noticed it, or it did not bother me, is that in the book it's clear that he's often talking about what the needs rankings are that he normally get from his clients. He's not, for example telling women that domestic support should be one of their major needs. He's saying that most of his female clients identify it as one of their major needs.

The book suggest that each individual ranks the needs in their own order based on nothing more than their own assessment.

So there is no pressure for women and me to fill certain roles based on gender, but to reflect the roles that actually exist in their marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

capncrunch said:


> Anyone share this opinion? We have the LL book somewhere... got it as a gift when we were first married. But we didn't need it! We had true love! :banghead:


I think the two books dovetail together. Each has a slightly different angle on needs.

HNHN has a couple of spots where I think the author shows an old fashioned bias. For example he states that whichever position gives the woman an O is the position which should be used almost always. He neglects to discuss oral sex as a way to get her to O, and he doesn't suggest multiple positions in one session.

5LL misses in one way, imho, which is equating sex with touch. I think sex is a separate category from all the others, and usually sex will include several of the love languages. One does touch, but also may include acts of service and words of affirmation, for example.

So I recommend both books, and simply apply your own common sense to them.

HNHN does not preach religion. As an atheist I was in no way bothered by the small amount of religion mentioned.


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