# My Husband uses guilt for sex



## crazycasey (Mar 7, 2008)

I just found this site after another heated argument about sex. My husband and I have been married for 8 years today and we have an all in all great relationship....THIS is our only downfall. We have sex at least every 2 to 3 days. And ONLY if my husband wants it. Rarely do I actually try to initiate, but when I do, I am usually turned down. I dont know how it happens, but he will get in the mood, then he cant get it off his mind and he DEFINITELY cant wait a day or two, or even a few hours without getting obnoxious. Everything turns into a sexual innuendo (sp?). He has to whip it out every chance he gets and show it to me, he asks me to do this or do that, If I say I am busy or not in the mood, or maybe a little later, he will say something to make me feel guilty. I dont know how he does it. And the fact that he makes me feel guilty about it just makes me furious. I feel like I hate sex more and more because its my obligation to him and It is somethign that is almost forced by guilt. If I say something to him about him being "sexually obnoxious" he gets offended and then somehow I am the bad guy becuase first of all, I wont put out and now, i am just being mean. His attitude toward sex is so unappealing, that it makes me hate the thought of having sex. What do I do or say that would make him understand how I feel without being able to turn it back around to make me the bad guy again? I mean, afterall, the man isnt deprived, he IS having sex every couple of days. Somebody help me!


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## reddevilmary (Mar 3, 2008)

I hear you....sounds pretty frustrating! What I have found is that a lot of times, guilt is a useless emotion. Guilt should only be if we know we are doing something wrong. I don't think putting him off or not being in the mood is wrong, so your feelings of guilt are misplaced....don't get me wrong, you want him to be happy and fulfilled and you like sex too, but we can't always get what we want all the time, and he has figured out which of your buttons to push to get his way! So you have to 'train' him or 'retrain' him that the buttons no longer work.

You don't have to be mean or anything, you can even be sweet and have a nice tone to your voice, just hold firm. Be nice, and tell him that whipping it out and sexual innuendo just isn't doing the trick, but a nice back massage and kisses up and down your spine certainly would put you in the mood.

Give him specific alternatives to try, otherwise he's not going to have a clue what to do, he's going to fall back on the tried and true.

I have my own set of issues where sex and marriage is concerned, so I'm not sure I'm giving the best advice here. I just know that where I am concerned, I can sometimes be my own worst enemy....wanting to please and feeling bad if I don't usually ends me up further down the line feeling resentful and angry....and I have discovered that THEY WILL LIVE if you turn them down and are the 'bad guy' for a night. They might be grumpy about it, but you just have to learn to work through the awful guilty feelings you have...because he's counting on those feelings to get him what he wants.

Eventually he will learn that in order to get the sex, he has to push different buttons, not the guilt ones, but the nicer ones that you suggest to him.

Good Luck, that's about all I have to offer


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