# Looking for Advice, Marriage is on its last leg



## FishorCutBait (Jul 15, 2012)

I have been married for 15 years, together for 20. Two kids, 8 and 12. The last 3 years have been the most difficult time in my life. I am struggling to reconnect with my wife and I am not making any progress and our relationship gets progressively worse.
My parents divorced when I was young and I really believe that divorce is an awful thing for child to go through.

My goal is to save my marriage, but I am losing hope.
I have tried many things to reconnect with my wife but nothing seems to work. Give her lots of attention, very little attention, Marriage Counselor, give her space, etc.

Right now she does not accept any invitations to go on a date with me, nor does she plan any alone time with me, basically avoids me.
Only tells me of her plans when absolutely necessary.

I am no saint, but I really do not see how I deserve this treatment.

Recent Example: I ask W if she would like to go to a spa for night for our 15th anniversary....She says no, our anniversary is not that important to her. So anniversary day comes and she comes by my work and drops off a coffee and says "happy anniversary".
Later she tells me she was upset that I did not say or do anything for our anniversary. 

Am I just a jerk for not doing or saying anything about our anniversary, after she tells me it is not important to her?

Just in case you are wondering there has been no affection (hugs/kissing) for the last month and no sex for 9 months.

Please ask questions to get more details, I feel like I can write about my problems for pages and I am not sure what is most relevant to fixing my relationship with my W.

I am really lost right now and I just want get headed in the right direction.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What happened with the marriage counselor?

Why no sex? What does she do if you try to give her a hug or a kiss?

About the anniversary - you didn't even wish her a happy anniversary?

*"she comes by my work and drops off a coffee and says "happy anniversary". Later she tells me she was upset that I did not say or do anything for our anniversary"*

Even if my wife didn't want to make a big deal and do anything extravagant for our anniversary, I would still at least buy her a card and wish her a happy birthday, maybe have a cake with candles and have a brief celebration with the kids, telling them something about how we met and married. 

Your wife could have planned something like that as well, or at least discussed it with you in advance. In our society, however, it does seem that the man is expected to be the one to plan such things.

That said, stopping by work with a coffee as an anniversary present is kind of strange. Was that so she could avoid celebrating with you at home, in your opinion?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you quitely investigated the chance that you have been replaced. Your wife may have made an emotional connection 3 years ago and she may have gone physical in the last 9 month.

At the very least you can rule out an affair if you quitely investigate the possiblity.

I see a red flag so I'm calling it.

Check her cell and look at statements, you may find a number that she calls alot and is unknown to you. 

Are there other red flags like taking call and leaving the room, keeping her cell phone locked and close, turning the computor off when you walk in the room, alot of girl nights out, unaccountable time, and there are more red flags.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes. This is either walk away wife syndrome or she has someone else. Find out ... quick.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sounds like she is just being cruel. Sorry you have to go through that. Sometimes I believe anything because I want something so badly. No one should have to go through that. Hope you get the help you need.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

No hugging and kissing.
No sex for nine months.
Shifting the blame on you for the anniversary debacle.
No communication / avoiding contact.

And all of this has been happening for the last three years.
On the surface,she seems to have checked out of the marriage.
But there must be a reason why.
You did mention that you were no " saint." Please elaborate.

Since she is not talking to you about what's bugging her,then she must be talking to someone else.....
Find out who.


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## FishorCutBait (Jul 15, 2012)

Hello Will_Kane thank you for your interest. I will do my best to answer your questions.



Will_Kane said:


> What happened with the marriage counselor?
> *The MC did not go so well in my opinion. While in counseling W basically said that she does not know if she could love me again. After two sessions the MC asked to see us separately, I went first. During my session alone the MC and I discussed different problems in the marriage and some of my W's irrational behavior. Things like gaslighting, this was a new concept for me, so I asked about it and she agreed that the W was engaging in this behavior. End of session the MC suggested that I see a IC. *
> 
> Why no sex? What does she do if you try to give her a hug or a kiss?
> ...


*Honestly, I think she does this type of thing to gaslight me, tell me to do X and when I do X, then say to me I cannot believe you did X*


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

FishorCutBait said:


> Hello Will_Kane thank you for your interest. I will do my best to answer your questions.
> 
> 
> *Honestly, I think she does this type of thing to gaslight me, tell me to do X and when I do X, then say to me I cannot believe you did X*


:iagree:

But there is a reason behind her actions.
Find out the:
What
When
Where
Who and 
Why.


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## FishorCutBait (Jul 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> Have you quitely investigated the chance that you have been replaced. Your wife may have made an emotional connection 3 years ago and she may have gone physical in the last 9 month.
> *I think I have been replaced, by another woman. This woman came into our lives just about this time of turmoil. I have confronted my W about the nature of her relationship with OW and I am confident it is not physical, but I believe that it is definitely an emotional replacement for me. The are in constant contact, texting none stop. They see each other every day, in fact they are on a trip out of town with my daughter and OW's daughter right now.*
> 
> At the very least you can rule out an affair if you quitely investigate the possiblity.
> ...


*I think there are many red flags and yes her phone is off limits, it goes everywhere with her. I really want to confront her and tell her I need to see her phone or she can show me her texts so that I do not get the wrong idea about her relationships. But I know this will lead to a major blow out*


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## FishorCutBait (Jul 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes. This is either walk away wife syndrome or she has someone else. Find out ... quick.


Hello Entropy,
I agree, it seems very much like Walk away wife. I have been working with divorce busters coach, but I see very little progress.


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## FishorCutBait (Jul 15, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> No hugging and kissing.
> No sex for nine months.
> Shifting the blame on you for the anniversary debacle.
> No communication / avoiding contact.
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can do all the tricks in the world to get this women back but you can not compete wuth the other man (OM).

Until the OM is out of the picture then your work will take a positive effect on the dynamics of the marriage.

So before you confront you must know what you are confronting.so gather the undeniable proof that gives you no doubt that the steps you take to confront are effective.

Educate your self about in fidelity and know the response that you will get when you do confront.

See infidelity has a script and all wayward follow it to tee. knowing what she is going to say before she says it will give you the power to this effective confrontation. So yes she will get pissed, but this site will cive you the tools to counter her attack.

Things like never reveal your source on how you got the proof and never beg and cry for the marriage. Confrontation if aeffective can make all the difference in the world. Especially if you are weak and you you take the nice guy approach.

The best way to confront is with confidence in that you know what you know is real and true...hence the evidence gathering. confidence in letting her go even when you are scared to death about losing her. This tough love appraoch is best.

I know you are scared of losing her but if for one minute she thinks you will stay put and tolorate her affair then she will continue.

During the confrontation you need the perception that you are willing to let her go....see it now a power struggle on who is scared more. She has to believe she will lose you if she continues to cantact OM.

Get it?

sorry for the typeos and the miss spelling but I can asure you thru my own experince with this crap and being at this site longer then dirt I have read what works and what doesn't.


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## FishorCutBait (Jul 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> You can do all the tricks in the world to get this women back but you can not compete wuth the other man (OM).
> 
> Until the OM is out of the picture then your work will take a positive effect on the dynamics of the marriage.
> 
> ...


The Guy,
I agree, I need to have concrete evidence. Right now it is circumstantial at best. But my gut is telling me something is not right. I have to be patient, she has been on red alert, very secretive. I am watching closely, trying not to let on that I think anything is going on.
If I do find something concrete, I will not hesitate to confront and be strong. I do not think I will fear losing her at that point.

Thank you for the input, it is good to get some feedback. I am an isolated right now and it can be difficult to get a clear grasp on how I should be interpreting what is going on right now.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Voice Activated Recorder taped to the bottom of her car seat. People talk on the phone a lot in the car.

Also, if you do find out she's having an affair, be sure to have a recorder with you when you confront her so she can't later say you abused her or hit her, etc.

You can also track her cell phone use and email use. 

It's time to go balls to the wall. No one deserves to live like this. Listen to your gut. It's telling you all you need to know.

Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are no longer isolated, now that you in this community.

So keep posting and many here can give tips on keyloggers if need be, VAR (voice activated recorder), and how to sync her cell.

After you get the proof, then post again and get the ammuntition to confront. We will be able to tell you what sheis going to say before she says it and the responses you need to counter attack her BS. Confrontation is so important it really has to be effective, so many have to confront a few times.

BTW the VAR is the best tool in the toolbox. Planting under her car seat with some velcrow tape will give you what you need to confront.

And remember never reveal your source's


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Listen to the advice here. Definitely past time for both a key logger and VARs. make sure to ave a var at home as well as the car. Do you have money for a PI?

I'm thinking the OW and your wife maybe cheating buddies, they cover for each other so they can meet up with their OM.

Do you knw much about the OW? Is he married? Where she lives?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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