# Marriage at age 18?



## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

Monica, 

First of all congratulations being in love! It's a wonderful thing and to be in love at 17 and 18 is especially magical...before life gets all complicated. 

I am a marriage counselor for The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO (The Marriage and Family Clinic - Marriage Counseling). I strongly believe in relationships and support marriage to the fullest. As far as your question about marriage at 18, I say what's the rush? Love is a magical thing no matter what age you are. So what's the diff if you get married at 18 or 20 or 25 or 30 etc.? When you're 18 there's a lot of life ahead of you and a lot of world to explore. It's great to explore it with someone by your side. But at the same time, keep in mind that at 18 you don't really know about life on your own without your parents in the picture since you've lived with them your whole life.

The best thing you can do to prepare for marriage is to live on your own for a while to develop independent living skills, get to know yourself, by yourself, and develop yourself as an independent, autonomous person. Of course, you can still be in love and date your boyfriend in the meantime. But this will ensure that you're developed well as an individual before committing to another too early and risking codependence. 

One other thought: Research shows the younger couples get married, the more likely they are to divorce. It's an unfortunate but true statistic. So seriously, what's the rush? Hope this helps.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

When I think back to being 17 and what was important to me and how I saw life, I know that if I had decided to marry someone at that age, I'd have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. At 17, I was nowhere near knowing anything about the kind of life I really wanted because I hadn't experienced much of life, and certainly had experienced NO life as an adult yet. 

The years following were such a time of growing and learning about myself and what really gave me passion for life and in life. I also learned how to take care of myself.

Maybe most important, over time, I learned what it takes to be a good partner and how to make a good, healthy relationship work. I would have failed miserably at that had I married at 18. Doomed from the start.

At 17, I was barely legal to drive, and unable to vote or buy alcohol. Committing myself to a relationship for a lifetime was far too big a decision to make because I really would have had no idea what I was signing up for. My view of what marriage was at that age was far too limited, and my view of the world was far too limited. 

I wouldn't recommend marriage for teenagers. You have plenty of time to make that kind of commitment - there is no reason to rush. If you truly are good together, you will be good together in a few years, too.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People change so much from 18 to 25. And again from 25 to 30.

However, it's a HUGE change from 18 to 25 and that's because the brain is completely developed by 25.

Why make any huge decisions until the brain is completely developed?

Enjoy your youth. Be in love and travel and go to college or whatever.

You have forever to get married.

wait for your brain to develop.

Some brain wiring continues to develop well into our 20s

Brains of Young Adults Not Fully Mature | LiveScience

I personally don't think people should be considered adults until 21. I mean, at 18 you can do everything but legally drink...seems odd.

Not a true adult then. EightTEEN is still a teenager.

I wouldn't rush anything. Just wait and either you'll still want to get married or you'll be thankful you didn't.


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## sweetpinata (Apr 3, 2012)

We all change/grow so much between the ages of 18-25, it's ridiculous. I couldn't imagine being 18 & married. The two of you have all the time in the world to discover things together and grow together, no need to rush into marriage. Spend a few years living together so you can get to know your man the way he REALLY is. You're so young, embrace it!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Being in love at that age is magical, we are talking "story book" stuff. At that age, it's all or nothing and your passion is at an 11. Enjoy that, revel in it, keep a journal for memories, and just have the best time of your life. 

It is certainly not WRONG to get married at your age, and I know it all feels so right. Hold off the marriage and just be engaged. I was engaged for two years and I lived with my fiance (now husband) before I married him. That made the transition to married bliss much smoother. 

No one wants to rain on your parade. But you came here asking people who have gone through it, who are much older than you and can offer you wisdom. That alone means you are very wise yourself. 

We don't want to scare you off, but read through the threads here. See if you see a pattern. See if you can find someone that closely matches your situation. It's like studying. You wouldn't go to a test without studying for it, so don't go into marriage with out studying for that! Being prepared is the mature thing to do. So keep reading, ask questions, have your future hubby read some of the threads here. The wisdom and life experience that is in these posts is priceless. I wish I had something like this to read when I was thinking of getting married at 24.

Have fun reading through this site. There are some genuinely wonderful people on here. And don't worry, no one is going to try to talk you out of anything because they had a hard time. We are a good bunch here.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Monica,

I know you're reading people's responses and thinking "well we are different." or "no, I'm really different than most 17 year olds".

It's very natural  And true to a certain extent. You ARE different, because you are an individual. We all thought we were different at that age. It's because we all had an idea about the individual we were growing up to be but had no clue about the life-lasting characteristics of that individual until our mid 20s.

If someone had told me this when I was 17, I would've packed a bag, taken a one-way flight to Lisbon, Portugal and hitchhiked from there all the way to North Korea. I still want to do that, but I'm married  (got the hint?)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think if you are mature enough to ask advice, you're probably mature enough to be married. Given the number of adults who are a lot older than you who mess up their lives and marriages, and given how natural and unassuming and responsible and mature I was at that age, I say, if you feel at ease with yourself in your relationship with your boyfriend and he feels at ease with himself and you enjoy each other's company and truly look out for each other and make sure that you each are meeting your individual needs without being unnecessarily fettered by time and space and reassurance needs in the shared space....and there is love of a deeper kind in that you are connected, of course you should honor your relationship with a marriage. University is such a confusing place. There are a lot of messed up people in younger years. My son and his girlfriend have been together through college, and it's understood they will be married, and they do have a relationship right now that is like marriage. If you already have that relationship established and are feeling the love, I can think of no better way to enhance your university years than to pursue your future as a couple. 

Talk to some older friends or relatives who married young and stayed married. You will get a better feel for what you are gaining, vs. what you are giving up, vs. what other people felt when they were in university and young, vs. what might be your experience. Being in a love relationship already is vastly different than some kind of dating relationship where you are fantasizing, etc. Age has nothing at all to do with a true love relationship, and everything to do with a centeredness of self with someone else who is similarly centered. There is something about the way you write that tells me yours in not a trivial relationship, and I would say honor that relationship the way you feel it must be. 

Good for you for being comfortable marrying. It's not everyone who has the courage to make a decision to honor a love relationship, at any age. There will be challenges to any relationship at any age. Being 18 or being 52 doesn't change that fact, and doesn't really change how you might address these challenges. 

People talk about long term relationships being a good thing, then they will tell you also to have fun, sleep around, try out different situations and different people. I really don't see the point, if you love what you have, keep it and honor it.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I know that it would have been a massive mistake if 18 year old me had married. 

I have yet to meet any 18 year old who I thought had the wisdom, self-knowledge and maturity to make that decision.

Personally I think 30 is just about the right age for a male to marry.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The divorce rates are far higher with marriages at that age. I think that says the most about your question.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

norajane said:


> When I think back to being 17 and what was important to me and how I saw life, I know that if I had decided to marry someone at that age, I'd have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. At 17, I was nowhere near knowing anything about the kind of life I really wanted because I hadn't experienced much of life, and certainly had experienced NO life as an adult yet.


It is often said that we know what we want by knowing what we don't want. I still don't know what a perfect relationship looks like, but I do know what bad relationships look like after experiencing several of them. I've also seen what a crap job looks like, so I know that my current job is pretty good. 18 is too young to be making a big choice like marriage. You need to see more of the world before jumping into a major contract with someone.

Seeing more of the world doesn't mean breaking up and sleeping with other people. It just means keep your eyes and ears open. Pay attention to the relationships around you and see where yours stands. Just by looking at the relationships around me, I can tell that mine is the best. I don't need to date those other people to know how crazy they are.

What do you expect to gain from getting married? That's a real question. You shouldn't get married unless you have a good reason.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Asking advice doesn't mean you're mature enough for marriage. 

The OP asked a question if it was a good idea. And it's not. Not for 99% of the population, especially this day and age.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I met my husband when I was 19 and haven't been with anyone else since. He is the love of my life.

I wouldn't have married him then though. We had our growing up together to do, maturing, fights etc before we settled down at 25. If we were married, I don't think we would have been mature enough to handle it. Our first fight would have been a divorce 

Marriage is a lot of pressure at a young age. You don't have to be married at 18 to show your love and commitment for each other. Give it a few years and just enjoy each other first.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Had I got married at 18 it would have been the biggest mistake I ever made. I waited until I after I graduated college first - was 25 and even that was too young. We survived but it was rough. We were both just too young. There are changes in maturity that come at specific ages and the biggest one happens around 30. So its best to wait until close to then to get married. Before then you just aren't mature enough.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.


Here's my take. When you're 18 and "in love", no one can tell you anything. All the wise people you'll talk to and care about you will tell you to take your time and don't rush into it. And yet, you will continue to move forward and get married at 18.

20 years later, after dealing with the aftermath of getting married early, you're kids will come to you and tell you they want to get married at 18, and you'll give them the same advice that they will ignore just as you did.

There's a reason older and wiser people caution you to wait. There is NO problem with waiting it out another year or two (or three or four), and then making a decision. However, if you pull the trigger, you can't unpull it.

I love my wife, a lot, and I'm glad we got married. But waiting a few more years would have been better for both of us. My wife is a completely different person now at 26 then she was at 18.

But again, I know you'll disregard all this advice anyway. Because that's what young people do. So the most important thing I can tell you is, respect yourself, and learn to serve, and when you can do both at the same time, you'll be in a healthy relationship.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Had I got married at 18 it would have been the biggest mistake I ever made. I waited until I after I graduated college first - was 25 and even that was too young. We survived but it was rough. We were both just too young. There are changes in maturity that come at specific ages and the biggest one happens around 30. So its best to wait until close to then to get married. Before then you just aren't mature enough.


I married at 25 and I was mature enough


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Thank you all very much for the responses so far. I have asked this question in one other place and it had seemed like it was mostly older people who had never been married responding telling me that I should not marry for 5 or 6 more years. The overwhelming number of people who say that it is too early has made me have second thoughts about marrying at this age. It isn't that I have doubted the connection that I have with him, it is that I feel that society would not accept us being married at this age.

I do have another concern right now, though. It seems that in the other place where I asked a question similar to this as well as here, many have said that they married at age 18, yet they are deadset against anyone else doing it. I'm just curious as to exactly why this is, if anyone could explain. 

Finally, I feel that I should add a few more details. As of right now, he and I are technically juniors in high school, but we attend the local community college instead and the credits count both towards high school and our two-year degree. We both will be getting our two year degree when we graduate. This way, we wanted to marry before going to a university together. We know which school we would like to attend and both are planning to go for a doctoral degree; his in astrophysics, mine in marine biology. We will have been dating for a little over two years if we do marry when we planned to. As I said, I realize that this is young for most people to be married, but in a way, I feel that if he and I were lucky enough to find someone that we have such a deep connection with and feel so comfortable with, I shouldn't take it for granted or wait simply because society says that that is what is right. Perhaps I am only saying this, as some of you mentioned, because I am young and in love, but I'm not so sure that waiting 5 years or so is what I should do.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> I shouldn't take it for granted or wait simply because society says that that is what is right.


We aren't 'society'. We are a group of mainly 35+ year olds who are older and wiser than you. One day when you are older you will understand what we are saying.

Yes you are young and in love. So were we at one point and we know how it ends.

We are just trying to save you from making the same mistakes we did but that makes me laugh. People have to make their own mistakes and you are no exception to that rule.

So go right ahead and get married. Don't say you weren't warned.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just wait  You sound like you have your life planned for a while...enjoy it. Never know what you'll want in a few years.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think when you are young you think that you MUST get married. To protect or create some sort of family unit. As you get older you think to yourself "why did we rush that so fast?? Why didn't we just take our time and do things slowly?"

I don't know why that happens, but it happens a lot. As everyone said, you change a LOT between the age of 17 and 30. Most noticeably between 18 and 25. You both know what you want to do and where you want to go right now, what if that changes in the next few years?

You may end up regretting locking yourself down to one person or one idea, when you find out a few years from now you wished you would have been able to do something else but couldn't.

It's a lot like having a kid. Experience your life, go do interesting things. After you have kids, it is exponentially more difficult to travel, or just move somewhere random or do something off the wall. The best thing about being young and single is that you can literally do ANYTHING you want, with no one holding you back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

we all had plans for our future at your age


I'd say about 10% of us actually kept to the plan


I sense your urgency is such that you wish to have the ultimate commitment during your time away from each other

I can assure you, a ring isn't a shield against infidelity


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh yea. I was engaged before going away to college.

LOL what a joke that was. Just an attempt to hold on and feel 'secure'. Yea. he ended up effing my best friend while I was away.

that's just my story though. I was 19.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> We don't want to scare you off, but read through the threads here. See if you see a pattern. See if you can find someone that closely matches your situation. It's like studying. You wouldn't go to a test without studying for it, so don't go into marriage with out studying for that! Being prepared is the mature thing to do. So keep reading, ask questions, have your future hubby read some of the threads here. The wisdom and life experience that is in these posts is priceless. I wish I had something like this to read when I was thinking of getting married at 24.
> 
> Have fun reading through this site. There are some genuinely wonderful people on here. And don't worry, no one is going to try to talk you out of anything because they had a hard time. We are a good bunch here.


I also feel that I should thank you for this, I most definitely will go through the posts on here and "study." I feel that that is a fantastic idea, thank you.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

The answer to your question is in your statement right here



> I feel that if he and I were lucky enough to find someone that we have such a deep connection with and feel so comfortable with, I shouldn't take it for granted or wait simply because society says that that is what is right.


You have to understand that at your age there is no possible way you could know this to be anymore true than it was for the legions of 18 year old who have been completely convinced of the same thing and been completely wrong. When you are young it is easy to believe you invented true love. 

Not to sound patronizing but the confidence of youth comes from ignorance. And you aren't even aware of how much you don't about love and marriage and what you really want out of life. And you don't even know what kind of people you will both be in few years. Going to university or college tends to change people or at a minimum their interests and expectations.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think if you are mature enough to ask advice, you're probably mature enough to be married. Given the number of adults who are a lot older than you who mess up their lives and marriages, and given how natural and unassuming and responsible and mature I was at that age, I say, if you feel at ease with yourself in your relationship with your boyfriend and he feels at ease with himself and you enjoy each other's company and truly look out for each other and make sure that you each are meeting your individual needs without being unnecessarily fettered by time and space and reassurance needs in the shared space....and there is love of a deeper kind in that you are connected, of course you should honor your relationship with a marriage. University is such a confusing place. There are a lot of messed up people in younger years. My son and his girlfriend have been together through college, and it's understood they will be married, and they do have a relationship right now that is like marriage. If you already have that relationship established and are feeling the love, I can think of no better way to enhance your university years than to pursue your future as a couple.
> 
> Talk to some older friends or relatives who married young and stayed married. You will get a better feel for what you are gaining, vs. what you are giving up, vs. what other people felt when they were in university and young, vs. what might be your experience. Being in a love relationship already is vastly different than some kind of dating relationship where you are fantasizing, etc. Age has nothing at all to do with a true love relationship, and everything to do with a centeredness of self with someone else who is similarly centered. There is something about the way you write that tells me yours in not a trivial relationship, and I would say honor that relationship the way you feel it must be.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Age does not matter. And, studies don't matter either. There are studies that show that christian's have a higher rate of divorce - does this mean that you should not be a christian, No. (maybe, lol, jk) But seriously, I am not religious at all, however, you get my point, right? Studies don't matter on your decision here, unless you want to make your decision based on statistics. - Which is fine, if that is what you want to base your decision off of.

What really matters is the love that you guys have for each other, and how your relationship is. You also need to look at your level of maturity as well as your boyfriend's level of maturity. Only you both know if marriage is right.

I got married at 18 and my husband was 22. My husband worked and started earning his own money since age 10. He graduated high school and went to college at age 16. So he had a lot of stuff going for him when we got married. We also got married 37 days after we had officially met. We have had the most amazing love story ever since! However, a relationship takes a lot of work and pure love. A great relationship does not come without effort. I do not regret for one second marrying my husband, in fact, I wish I had met him earlier than 18! I am the happiest woman alive!  *Ahem* Back to the topic here... 

I was also 16 when I graduated highschool. I was constantly told by many people how mature I was. I guess its uncommon to see the younger generation have their head on straight. And, that is fine, I can agree with that. That is why me and my husband prefer friends over the age of 27 and do not hang out with the younger people. When I was 13 my best friend was 15 years older than me. My husband was also very mature at a very young age. We were both Not interested in wasting our life away to stupidity. We knew what we wanted.

Being young does not automatically mean immaturity. It all depends. It will always be different person to person. No doubt about this. But, I cannot stand most teenagers and younger people that I encounter, they are so immature! Only a few here and there seem to have it right in their head.

Also, it does not matter how people change every 5 years and such. You will always change until the day you die. And, honestly, it is great to change and morph with the person that you love by your side. And, its also good to change by yourself. Whatever works for you. Each person has the right to choose their own life, and if you would like to spend the rest of your life with someone starting now, then go for it, if its right for you. If someone else wants to wait until they are 30, then good for them too. To each their own. No particular "way" is wrong. Again, whatever works for you.

A lot of people will tell you not to marry at 18 and you can read on all the reasons why... And, people who married young and had a good experience, or people who have heard of it, will give you hope... Weather you want to make your decision based on what others think or not, ultimately it is up to both of you to make that final decision. Only you guys know what is right.

If you make your decision based on not being accepted by society, you will regret it and maybe even resent society for it. Your decision has to be made according to You. And your partner, too.

BTW, older does not mean wiser. - That is one of the most unwise things to say.

Remember to consider finances and the ability for your boyfriend to take care of you. Also, consider your own ability to take care of yourself. - Just stuff to look at.

Good luck.

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_*that_girl:* "The OP asked a question if it was a good idea. And it's not. Not for *99%* of the population, especially this day and age."_

Says who? That is a pretty big statement. Obviously this is not true. Your percentage should be lower than that. Everything else is your own opinion, and that is fine. But I do agree with you that most people are not ready to get married when young. At least in the US. I just think that your 99% is way off. LOL.  Also, even though you put 99% as your own opinion, notice how you were not able to say 100%... Because even you yourself know that there is still some people who will do just fine marrying at a young age. What if OP is one of them?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Is it a good idea? No. The odds are against you. Couples who marry younger are more likely to get divorced because they aren't ready for the emotional or financial burdens that come with marriage. Of course they think they're ready, but they're really not. If it were me, I wouldn't do it. If you felt you HAD to do it, at least have a very long engagement. You're not pregnant so I don't understand what the rush is. You're more likely to make it as a couple if you wait and see if your relationship passes the test of time. 

Neither of you have had time to live your lives and really figure out who you are. As the two of you age, you will both change dramatically, also in ways that cannot be anticipated now. The amount of personal growth that I had between the ages of 18 - 26 is huge. At 18 I thought I was mature, but in retrospect I know I wasn't. I was just starting to find out who I was and what I wanted. I know you could say that you already know who you are and what you want, but take it from those of us with more years of life under the belt, you don't know who you are yet.

By the time I got married, I had some dating under my belt. Let's just say I met a few frogs along the way so when I met my husband I knew that he was really a prince of a guy. I had enough experience shall we say to make that comparison and appreciate my husband's qualities. 

Say you two get married at 18, will either or both you wonder twenty years down the road at the ripe old age of 38, what it would have been like to date more people? Will there be regrets for the road not taken? Will one of you cheat because you didn't get to sow your wild oats?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.


Good luck to you both! If my son had married at 18, he'd now be married nearly 5 years. That's 4 years longer than I've been married .


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

18 is way too young. You need to live your life first. Don't make the mistake I did, marrying too young. Although, it's my wife who's not mature enough and she was married at 25.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Monica,
Many of us here(I'm 35) have been in your shoes  The question isn't about your age at all,it's about statistics.

I know where you're coming from..I left home myself at 18 to be with the man I loved-shortly after he cheated on me and left me. I was naive to believe things would be great once I left home and was free to be an "adult". 

Jump forward a couple of years...was with another man whom I "loved". Got pregnant by accident-believed him when he said he loved me and would never leave. He moved out when I was four months pregnant. I was devastated on many fronts. Thought to myself, WELL I'M A BIG GIRL, I can handle any bad things that go my way....I figured at 20, I could handle being a single parent(naive) and raising a child out of pure love alone(oh I laugh at myself when I think back!)...Old ladies would give me dirty looks seeing me pregnant and young. Friends and family told me the exact same as you're being told-and all I could keep thinking was how taking on "adult" decisions would prove how mature I was:scratchhead: I was stubborn in listening to the wise advice because I believed I could handle whatever "adult situations" came my way.

Jump forward to the birth of my child-my son died hours before he was born. The "father" who left me,told all his family I was a ***** and the child wasn't his before he was born. When Brandon was born, he still wouldn't acknowledge parentage,and I was left both grieving the loss of a child,abandonment of the man I loved AND all the financial costs of my son's death.

We all make mistakes-when we're younger,we believe we are invincable and things will ALWAYS work out. That's isn't the case for the 90% or more of us. Even older adults are learning from their mistakes. Age as I said isn't the issue, what IS the issue is going into things without taking the time to consider what can happen. 

I also rushed into my relationship with my current partner..I NEVER learned! LOL 14yrs later...I've realized that getting together with him at 21-was TOO early. I was ACTUALLY seeking love and attention I never recieved growing up-and it landed me in a relationship where I was codependant and dealing with a controlling tantruming partner. 

In my younger adult years, I was unable to SEE my short comings,and how I kept attracting to men who didn't value me-because in short I didn't value MYSELF...utter disaster waiting to happen! I insisted when I met my current partner that it felt right, we were in love and he was a great guy in so many ways. Believe it or not, some people change,others show their true colors when you face negative situations etc.

Take your time to see the good AND bad. When people here say "wait" this is what a lot of us are referring to. Accidental pregnancies OCCUR, cheating OCCURS...in short, LIFE occurs. How you two will handle life seperately and together means taking time instead of rushing into things.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> I met my husband when I was 19 and haven't been with anyone else since. He is the love of my life.
> 
> I wouldn't have married him then though. We had our growing up together to do, maturing, fights etc before we settled down at 25. If we were married, I don't think we would have been mature enough to handle it. Our first fight would have been a divorce


I can't remember what it's called, but there's a name for this psychological effect. In simple terms, an animal will focus all of its attention on trying to fight against restrictions. Tell a kid he is not allowed to read books, and suddenly he'll want to read books. This is why trying to cage someone with marriage never works. You're pre-programmed to fight against restrictions that other people force on you.

A lot of people don't seem to understand that, so we end up with situations where people say things like "he'll stay with me forever if we get married!" which turns out to be the exact opposite of how it really works. Saying "you _must_ stay with me because.." is just another restriction to fight against.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My three people i know (my age) who married before 24ish are all divorced and in second marriages now. My grandparents married at 18 in 1944 and were married until my gramps passed. That's not the norm now.

Most of my friends married in their late 20s/early 30s. We all had live in boyfriends, etc..but marriage was later. Maybe it's a regional thing? I am not sure.


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

I moved in with my husband at 18 and got married at 21. We have been married for 16 years. It worked for us but I do not know of another couple around my generation or younger that married as young as us and are still together. 

I will say that both my husband and myself were mature for our age and had had responsibilities that were not normal for teenagers. As well, my parents is a great example for us. They have been married for 50 years.

Any marriage takes commitment and hard work no matter your age.

For these reasons, I must add I really liked Mom_In-Love response.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

monicagrace27 said:


> Thank you all very much for the responses so far. I have asked this question in one other place and it had seemed like it was mostly older people who had never been married responding telling me that I should not marry for 5 or 6 more years. The overwhelming number of people who say that it is too early has made me have second thoughts about marrying at this age. It isn't that I have doubted the connection that I have with him, it is that I feel that society would not accept us being married at this age.
> 
> I do have another concern right now, though. It seems that in the other place where I asked a question similar to this as well as here, many have said that they married at age 18, yet they are deadset against anyone else doing it. I'm just curious as to exactly why this is, if anyone could explain.
> 
> Finally, I feel that I should add a few more details. As of right now, he and I are technically juniors in high school, but we attend the local community college instead and the credits count both towards high school and our two-year degree. We both will be getting our two year degree when we graduate. This way, we wanted to marry before going to a university together. We know which school we would like to attend and both are planning to go for a doctoral degree; his in astrophysics, mine in marine biology. We will have been dating for a little over two years if we do marry when we planned to. As I said, I realize that this is young for most people to be married, but in a way, I feel that if he and I were lucky enough to find someone that we have such a deep connection with and feel so comfortable with, I shouldn't take it for granted or wait simply because society says that that is what is right. Perhaps I am only saying this, as some of you mentioned, because I am young and in love, but I'm not so sure that waiting 5 years or so is what I should do.



Here is my experience. I'm nearing 25 years old, so I'm not really the "older" part of society.

I started dating my husband 3 months after I graduated at 18. I moved in with him 2 weeks after we started dating. I absolutely adored him, head over heels in love, and we had that magical connection that everyone wants to have. I was the girl who couldn't join into the complaining party because I had no complaints about my man, he was that awesome. after a year and a half, we got our first apartment together on our own, I worked full time through my degree, we started attending church, got engaged after almost 3 years together. a year later we got married. I was almost 22 when we got married.

Everyone wanted to warn me about getting married young, but no one could, because what we had was so solid, and we were so happy and perfect for eachother, I never questioned things, my mom couldn't come up with any reason why we shouldn't, there was nothing, we were "that" couple. (we married in 2009)

Last year after a year of brutal hell between us, and the previous year being a consistent down hill slide, I finally left my husband when he told me his drug buddies were more important than I was, after he dropped out of school (a nice $40,000 set back) I had sunken so deep into depression that I barely ate, only was awake long enough to go to work, or drink myself happy and sleepy, and it was work for me to even bother to let my dog outside. I stopped crying regularly because I resorted to drinking my tears away. It got abusive between us mentally, emotionally, and verbally, and I am not passing this all on him. 

I tried all this past year, and we were even working on reconcilling (or attempting) most recently. Unfortunately, it's over, and I am so drained I couldn't try again if he was suddenly overtaken by someone else in the same body.

When I left, I had no more goals in life, no more personality, I just had nothing. I could not have told you what my favorite thing to eat was, because i had none. I was so into my marriage, and into making us, that I forgot to make ME in the prime years of my life where young adults develop who they are.

Marriage is huge, its powerful, and it is worth waiting for. I had what you're describing you have, and it is the most amazing thing in the world, it truly is, but here I am seven years later, and none for the better. couple years of depression under my belt, and my beloved husband completely out of the picture. 

There's no need to rush, you sound like your planning a good story to tell your future kids, and that is all well and good, but I strongly recommend you two take the time to enjoy life NOW and in the present before you take your vows. 

I sincerely wish I had, because having waited, I wouldn't be looking at life from the perspective and starting point (again) that I am now, and I might still have my love.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.


I think it`s crazy for the usual reasons.

Why intentionally stack the odds against yourself?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> And, honestly, it is great to change and morph with the person that you love by your side.


I think that's one of the biggest problems with marrying young, actually. You may change and morph into people who aren't right for each other. At all. At 17, you don't know, you just don't. And to be "stuck" with someone who is all wrong for you...especially when you keep meeting people in your changing and developing life that are far more right for the person you are becoming...is a miserable, painful place to be. And it's hell to be with someone who is realizing that you aren't right for _them _anymore, though you are married.

You don't know that the changes both of you will undergo through education, time, and life experience will bring you together or pull you apart. There is no rush. Wait and see which it turns out to be.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The brain isn't fully developed until early/mid 20s.

That alone says it all for me.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

I say dont do it. Wait til about 25 or even 30. I was married at 26 and still wished i would of waited. I have been with my husband since i was 21 now 31 and i have changed a lot. We are separated at this moment and i feel some of it has to do with me changing over the years. There are other problems to go alone with that on both ends.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> The brain isn't fully developed until early/mid 20s.
> 
> That alone says it all for me.


But family relationships shape the brain positively.
My boyfriend is recovering from a brain hemorrhage and was in a coma for a week, etc. I spend time with him each and every day. Nobody has told me this is a dumb way to start our engagement. Family relationships are very important for the brain and body to function as a spiritually holistic unit. Why throw the opportunity in the trash, so you can develop singularly without a close family relationship after you've reached the age of majority and sexual maturity? I dunno, that just doesn't make sense to me. You can have a close family relationship and work on your personal goals together, or you can say, hey, we're going to leave ourselves wide open and question our relationship and expose ourselves to all the problems of the single life, when what we really desire, and would benefit from spiritually, is right under our noses... This is just so confusing? When did we become a society that advocates a single life and to experience all sorts of problems when the natural thing to do is so easy and feels right to two people. Good grief. We've become way too logical and statistical, and we question love when it's right under our noses. Maybe these two young adults grew up in loving households and are ready to make one of their own, with their extended families participating. Just because we were messed up at 18 and would have botched a relationship and needed therapy, doesn't mean that's everyone's experience.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What? Biologically, the brain isn't developed enough to know fully what risks are being taken, etc.

That's why teens have that invincible mentality. 

I didn't make that up. The brain just isn't fully developed until mid 20s. Just science. Which makes sense why car insurance is so expensive for men under 25. They take more risks. 

But people will do what they do. They have to learn for themselves.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But family relationships shape the brain positively.
> My boyfriend is recovering from a brain hemorrhage and was in a coma for a week, etc. I spend time with him each and every day. Nobody has told me this is a dumb way to start our engagement. Family relationships are very important for the brain and body to function as a spiritually holistic unit. Why throw the opportunity in the trash, so you can develop singularly without a close family relationship after you've reached the age of majority and sexual maturity? I dunno, that just doesn't make sense to me. You can have a close family relationship and work on your personal goals together, or you can say, hey, we're going to leave ourselves wide open and question our relationship and expose ourselves to all the problems of the single life, when what we really desire, and would benefit from spiritually, is right under our noses... This is just so confusing? When did we become a society that advocates a single life and to experience all sorts of problems when the natural thing to do is so easy and feels right to two people. Good grief. We've become way too logical and statistical, and we question love when it's right under our noses. Maybe these two young adults grew up in loving households and are ready to make one of their own, with their extended families participating. Just because we were messed up at 18 and would have botched a relationship and needed therapy, doesn't mean that's everyone's experience.


I read damn near all of the responses in this thread, and that is not what anyone said.

No one told them to question their relationship and go on about half of what your rant just entailed. 

This just sounds like a bitter reaction to something else that is pouring into your response here.

They're still in highschool, juniors at that, I don't listen to the same music i LOVED in high school, or associate with any of the people, why on earth would anyone recommend tying yourself to someone legally and spiritually before you even know who yourself is? It's unfair to you, and unfair to your spouse when neither of you are even fully developed or fully aware of what type of commitment you're actually making.

Family relationships shape the brain, one way or the other depending. But these two aren't family, and they're still shaping, there's no need to start a family at an age where you still need yours. "love" or not.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Forget about what society and religion expects from you. There are many different societies and religions and they all have different expectations. Sometimes these expectations are not in your best interest. I'm a practical guy who doesn't like many of today's societal expectations in the US because I think they're based on some seriously antiquated ideals. So my advice below is not based on religous morality or societal norms. 

You sound hardworking and kind and I believe these two characteristics are the core of what makes a good person. You're already taking college courses at age 17 which means you're also intellectually mature and goal oriented. You seem to have alot going for you. Unfortunately, this does not translate into emotional maturity. Emotional maturity comes from life experience and it cannot be gained in any other way. The old folks like me (47) know that you will change dramatically by the time your ~28. If you get married at 18 you're essentially hoping that the person you change into at ~28 will still want to be married to the person that your boyfriend changes into at ~28. It's definately a gamble and according to the national marriage stats it's a very poor gamble. I would suggest you wait until after college to make your decision. There really is no harm in that. If your boyfriend loves you that way you describe he will feel the same way in 5 years.

Peace


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.


Im 47. Got married when I was 28. I thank my lucky stars that I waited as long as I did. I think I got a bit wiser by the tme we actually tied the knot. We were also more financially stable and very sure by that point.

My parents got married when they were 18 and 17, and stayed that way forever until he died.

Every situation is different - but the one thing that doesnt change is that young couples in love feel like they are different. It makes me smile to think back on myself at your age - it is a fantastic time.

My advice, since I just gave similar advice to my niece who is a similar age....

You want to be sure about what you are doing. Get engaged if you like, but settle in for a nice long 4-5-year engagement. I know... you are thinking 'yeah, right.. 5 years, this guy is crazy.'

no, im not. You will get similar advice elsewhere if you seek it out from people that you look up to. People that have been around, been married a long time... you know..... *old* people. 

It is that hardest thing to follow advice like that. I know it. I've been in your shoes.

Think about. There is no need to rush. It is also fun to be engaged. Enjoy it. Believe me... a few years are going to go by in a blink... and maybe by that time you will have discovered more about the both of you as a couple.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

What's the rush?

If you are truly in love you will still be in love a few years from now.

When I look back at the person I was when I was 18 and at the person I am now I can see how much I have changed, my life goals have changed, the type of people I like being around has changed, my views on almost everything from religion from politics has changed. 

Some couples who get married young are lucky and grow and mature in the same direction - not all couples are so lucky.

My advice is to slow down and just see when the relationship leads. Marriage is for a long time. Marriage at age 18 or 19, with a normal life span, you could be looking at 60 years or more of marriage. That is a long time, so again I say what is the rush???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I think of my bf at 19 (whom I loved), and if I had married him :rofl: omgosh....The last thing i heard about him (about 5 years ago) was that he was still in junior college (I graduated college in 98) and finally moved out from mom and dad's house....only because they bought him a condo.

:rofl:

But we were in love!! But damn....that shet would have been annoying and I know we'd have divorced.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> When I think of my bf at 19 (whom I loved), and if I had married him :rofl: omgosh....The last thing i heard about him (about 5 years ago) was that he was still in junior college (I graduated college in 98) and finally moved out from mom and dad's house....only because they bought him a condo.
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> But we were in love!! But damn....that shet would have been annoying and I know we'd have divorced.


Last I heard mine is still chasing hot women and has yet to settle down. Turns out he's an overgrown child and I didn't figure that out until we were halfway through college. He dropped out of college and started sleeping all day and working very little. Talk about annoying. 

But at 18? Oh yeah we very IN LOVE and had I married him we'd be very DIVORCED too.

Met the love of my life at age 24.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh here's another one. One of my friends married at 17. They are still together but he too is an overgrown child now. He's addicted to porn, barely works, is depressed and now SHE'S depressed. 

She really should have waited but won't leave him because she is highly religious.

My parents married at 17 and they are still together but my dad turned out to be an ass. That didn't show up until he was close to 30. 

All in love stories but of people had they waited would NOT have married their current spouses.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I was married at age 18. I'm now 35 and neither myself nor my husband are the same people we were back then. We were just kids. I didn't feel like a kid back then, and I know it's patronizing to be told at 18 that "you're just a kid" but I wished I had listened to my parents and not gone behind their backs and did it anyway. My life has been so rough over the last 16 years you would even believe...


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Why do you feel rushed to get married at 18? Are you planning to have children right away? Are you planning on buying a house? Is he joining the military?

I just don't see WHY you feel the need to get married so soon, even if you feel you've met the love of your life.

I dated a guy through high school and into college. We broke up after 5 years when I was 21 because we changed. I am glad that we didn't get married, even though we came close to it. I can't imagine being married to someone like him (not that he was a bad person, just can't imagine it).

I personally feel that given your age, and the amount of time you have been dating (1 year? I dated my husband for 4 before we said "I do") I would hold off. There shouldn't be a big rush to get married, I honestly don't see why you feel such an urge to get married so young.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

P.S...

Also....Complete your education first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

I knew I had met my soulmate in high school, and I would have married him in a heartbeat when we turned 18. Hell, I would have married him *before* I graduated from high school. No second thoughts, no doubts, nothing. He was my world.

When we went to college he pretty much went off the deep end, became resentful of me for trying to keep him even somewhat in check (we're talking trying to keep him from drinking and sleeping around), emotionally abused me, cheated on me with guys and girls, and finally left me when I couldn't bring myself to give up on getting him to change.

People change and some people think college is time to go crazy and be irresponsible or else they have "missed out." Some people make it, most don't. 

It is an *incredibly* terrible idea to marry that young. I completely understand why it seems right, but if it *is* right then it can wait. If you are worried that waiting might cause it to end, well... there is your answer. Marriage does not make someone less likely to change and leave.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

To anyone asking if we are wanting to get married because we are planning on getting pregnant soon or anything, no. That is not the case. Neither of us is or ever has been sexually active. 

It seems that when I read all of the negative stories that many of you have related to me, I feel that I should wait, but reading stories of successful marriages at my age makes me feel like we could do the same. I am keeping in mind though that every teenager believes that they are "different," and I realize that may not be the case for me. 

At the same time, I feel like he and I are both mature for our age. I'm not sure which side to believe. 

But my boyfriend, Jess, is much more mature that many men my age. Right now, he is currently the lead guitarist in an 80's metal band that is becoming very popular and possibly touring this summer. He is also has a gpa of 4.0, recieved a 35 on the ACT, and is the top student of my grade. Although intelligence does not measure maturity by any means, he is more focused on his education than anything. Also, I should mention that neither he or I do drugs, smoke cigarettes, or drink and neither of us ever have. Again, I am not sure that this makes a difference.

The input everyone has gives is very helpful to me, though, and is really making me think hard about this, so thank you to anyone who has responded. A decision like this is something that I really want to think about deeply.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> But my boyfriend, Jess, is much more mature that many men my age. Right now, he is currently the lead guitarist in an 80's metal band that is becoming very popular and possibly touring this summer. He is also has a gpa of 4.0, recieved a 35 on the ACT, and is the top student of my grade. Although intelligence does not measure maturity by any means, he is more focused on his education than anything. Also, I should mention that neither he or I do drugs, smoke cigarettes, or drink and neither of us ever have. Again, I am not sure that this makes a difference.


I honestly don't mean to offend when I say this- the fact that you bring up GPA, ACT scores and being in a band as examples of maturity shows that you guys are not mature enough at this point. As soon as you get into a school, your high school GPA and ACT scores mean nothing to anyone, ever. Also, some people who were studious in high school end up feeling like they will "miss out" on life if they don't party in college. 

You sound smart, and you probably really *are* mature for your age. The problem is that you don't understand yet how much people change during the next few years of their lives. It sounds like a cliche, but it really is true. I know I sound like an old fart and I feel like I've aged decades over the last 8 years since I graduated from high school but I'm only 25.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> To anyone asking if we are wanting to get married because we are planning on getting pregnant soon or anything, no. That is not the case. Neither of us is or ever has been sexually active.
> 
> It seems that when I read all of the negative stories that many of you have related to me, I feel that I should wait, but reading stories of successful marriages at my age makes me feel like we could do the same. I am keeping in mind though that every teenager believes that they are "different," and I realize that may not be the case for me.
> 
> ...


The better question is, why are you guys wanting to get married? What is the driving force for this kind of committment? What is pushing you to get married instead of just continue dating or engagement for a few years?


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

kittykat09 said:


> I honestly don't mean to offend when I say this- the fact that you bring up GPA, ACT scores and being in a band as examples of maturity shows that you guys are not mature enough at this point.


I just wanted to point out that in my post, I did say that I know that intelligence does not measure maturity by any means. That wasn't what I was saying this for. I was mostly trying to give anyone an Idea of the kind of person he is. 

But I do see your point, grades and act scores will not have an impact after starting university. 

I realize that we both will change, also, many people on here have said that and I do see it in real life. Perhaps I am just naive in hoping that we will grow together, not apart, but that is what I hope.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> I just wanted to point out that in my post, I did say that I know that intelligence does not measure maturity by any means. That wasn't what I was saying this for. I was mostly trying to give anyone an Idea of thenkind of person he is.
> 
> But I do see your point, grades and act scores will not have an impact after sarting university.
> 
> I realize that we both will change, also, many people on here have said that and I do see it in real life. Perhaps I am just naive in hoping that we will grow together, not apart, but that is what I hope.


First, I know you said that you know it doesn't measure intelligence or maturity, it was just that it was brought up at all. Like I said, I 100% meant it in an effort to help and not at all to bash you. 

I don't think you are stupid for wanting to get married, nor do I think your love itself is immature in any way. The heart wants what the heart wants, and sometimes we find the right person at a young age. 

The question becomes: will both of you work on the relationship equally over the coming years? Because if either of you becomes lax, it won't work. It is sad, but that is the reality of it, and with so many distractions and growing opportunities coming up left and right it is extremely hard for people to stay equally focused.

I do wish you the best, whatever you end up doing. I think you should wait but it isn't my decision to make, obviously.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

that_girl said:


> What? Biologically, the brain isn't developed enough to know fully what risks are being taken, etc.
> 
> That's why teens have that invincible mentality.
> 
> ...


Well, I was an aeromedical technician EMT-A and drove an ambulance on a flight line with fighter jets taking off and landing (not always in top condition, hence the ambulance) at age 18. I also ran a personnel reliability program, which meant assessing the mental health and stability of fighter pilots, parachute packers, bomb detonator and recovery (explosive ordinance people), and air traffic controllers. On top of that I was ready to mobilize at a moment's notice. I drove the ambulance every day and kept it ready, knew how to use the radio on the flight line, saved several lives and moonlighted in a local regional medical center. I assisted with open cardiac massage once, and was instrumental in several 'code blues' that ended successfully, and many that did not. I was homeless, with out family as they had been psychotic and raped me and molested me as a child. I sought outside help on my own and made decisions that led me to get a full active duty scholarship for my education, then I became an officer at age 21. At no time did I decide that I wanted to marry. It was not my choice. But if someone says they want to be married to their best friend and they are 18, I am not going to say it's dumb, because I know what I was doing at age 18 and how responsible and level headed I was and how many older adults relied on me, even for the care of their children when they themselves were having a rough time. I had to assist and 'turn in' many people with mental health and family problems, people like emergency room doctors, even. 

I think it's bunk that kids at 18 don't have level heads. If they don't it's because adults who don't think they are capable send these messages to them and I believe you get what you expect. If you expect your kid to be irresponsible and not be able to make decisions, they will pick up on that and turn into that kind of person. My daughter is 8 and she's very emotionally stable, able to express herself and to talk about her friends issues and to relate things about her teacher's home life and to support me positively when I was in crisis the first night after my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage. 

I don't know why people equate physical maturity in terms of brain development or hormones with spiritual development and emotional maturity. These last two things everyone is born with and is perfectly formed, it's the human experience that degrades them to the point where there is damage that then needs to be recovered through this 'maturation process'. I still think that this young woman is spiritually and emotionally intact and that it would be an okay decision to marry, just as what I did when I was 18, taking on responsibility for so many strangers' lives (and being a nanny for two children and caregiver for their parents when I was in my late teens and early 20's).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My son and his girlfriend met when they went to college in their freshman year, they have been together since then and will likely get married. My son has been a functioning adult since he graduated from high school, I cut the apron strings and that was that and he was prepared. I don't see the need for him to date around, he doesn't either, and neither does his girlfriend or her parents. There is nothing wrong with knowing who you are attracted to and trusting your judgement if it's good. My son has taken steps to be fiscally responsible for his day to day expenses and also his college expenses after scholarships and student loans, work study and grants. He is in the National Guard and he has plans to go to graduate school after 4 year college. It never occured to me to tell him to date around, he has always had friends that are girls so it's not like he needs to know more about the opposite sex, he had several good relationships in high school and remains friendly with the young women but also has established healthy boundaries with them. So what exactly is the issue with getting married young? I just don't see it. It's based on some assumption of not knowing your heart. But if we have a young piano player who plays with feeling or a young actress who is gifted or a student who solves a big scientific problem we commend young genius, who is to say there are not young people who have genius in their hearts? Who are at peace with the world and with themselves. Not everyone has to find themselves, some people are themselves, there is nothing to 'find' but just life to live, one day at a time. They do not experience all this trauma that leads to bad decisions about relationships. They know what is good and what feels right and probably know what feels wrong too.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> Thank you all very much for the responses so far. I have asked this question in one other place and it had seemed like it was mostly older people who had never been married responding telling me that I should not marry for 5 or 6 more years. The overwhelming number of people who say that it is too early has made me have second thoughts about marrying at this age. It isn't that I have doubted the connection that I have with him, it is that I feel that society would not accept us being married at this age.
> 
> I do have another concern right now, though. It seems that in the other place where I asked a question similar to this as well as here, many have said that they married at age 18, yet they are deadset against anyone else doing it. I'm just curious as to exactly why this is, if anyone could explain.
> 
> Finally, I feel that I should add a few more details. As of right now, he and I are technically juniors in high school, but we attend the local community college instead and the credits count both towards high school and our two-year degree. We both will be getting our two year degree when we graduate. This way, we wanted to marry before going to a university together. We know which school we would like to attend and both are planning to go for a doctoral degree; his in astrophysics, mine in marine biology. We will have been dating for a little over two years if we do marry when we planned to. As I said, I realize that this is young for most people to be married, but in a way, I feel that if he and I were lucky enough to find someone that we have such a deep connection with and feel so comfortable with, I shouldn't take it for granted or wait simply because society says that that is what is right. Perhaps I am only saying this, as some of you mentioned, because I am young and in love, but I'm not so sure that waiting 5 years or so is what I should do.


It's really not about what society is thinking, darl  When it comes down to it, society thinks a lot of things, but isn't always on the mark. Instead of looking at it as a 'society' thing, look at each opinion from each person you speak to and ask whether you think these people would really try to give you advice to screw you over. Even though this may be the main view held by society, I still think that the people who are telling you to wait do so only because no one wants to see you in a position where it could possibly lead to heartbreak for you (I'm not saying it definitely will, but these things tend to be more than likely).

Eighteen is still so very young. Hell, I think that 50 is still young. It doesn't mean people shouldn't get married at that age, and people who are commenting here are in a position where they are older, and have had more experience come with age. Some people get married that young, and it works fine for them. But the vast majority doesn't work out so well.

You sound like a smart chick, but you have so much to do in life yet. Try not to see marriage as one of those boxes that should be ticked off, and enjoy time with your partner. If you feel the commitment is that deeply forged, what is a lack of a piece of paper gonna do for the moment to break that?  Experience each other so fully before doing the marriage thing. If it's so important to the both of you, I am sure it should not be a problem to wait a little longer in a committed relationship. After all marriage is just an extension of a truly committed relationship.

Best of luck!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I realize that we both will change, also, many people on here have said that and I do see it in real life. Perhaps I am just naive in hoping that we will grow together, not apart, but that is what I hope.


You can and will grow together, if you focus on it in your relationship. You don't need marriage for that. What we are letting you know is that there may be fundamental changes that will make you WANT to part ways, amicably.

It's really easy after a few years of marriage to start resenting your partner for making you feel stuck when you wanted to achieve something. For example, let's say you both become marine biologists, he gets an opportunity in the Galapagos and at the same time you get one in Australia. Dream jobs for both of you, who gets the shaft?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Teens generally don't think to discuss things like boundaries. Have you ever sat down and had a serious conversation about things that are acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship? I would have shuddered at the thought as a teen. If you haven't already done this, you need to before you continue. It could really be an eye opener and might possibly answer your question of whether you two are really ready.


Agree - there are a lot of things that happen in relationships that you can't even contemplate as a teen, not only because you think it won't happen to YOU, but also because you don't even know to consider those issues in the first place.

Other things to think about that you may not have dealt with in your relationship because it is new and has not involved a lot of adult situations yet:

- How will you deal with it when he hurts or disappoints you in a major way for the first time? What will you do if you disappoint him in a major way? This does eventually happen, and can tear two people apart, because up until then, they think their partner would never hurt or disappoint them and are devastated when it happens

- How will you handle it when you see your partner changing, and you are NOT on board with the changes but your partner is happy about the changes? Perhaps he starts drinking, or leaves you alone a lot to pursue activities that have nothing to do with you. Perhaps you meet new people at university and begin to develop interests with those people and your bf starts to become clingy and jealous? Perhaps your bf decides to change his major and his career plans entirely to go into finance or surfing?

- How will you deal with failure? What will happen when he fails at something very important to him, or you do? That can change a person's perspective on himself, who she is, or what their life is about. It most certainly will affect what happens next. Failure is very difficult for people, especially if they have always succeeded.

The point is there are some major things that can and some major things that will happen. You do not know what that will mean to your relationship. You might not want to be married to each other when that happens.


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## dbc (Jul 10, 2011)

congratulations , i personally see nothing wrong with it. i married when my wife was 19, and i was 23. we have been married for 29 years now. like i always say...... don't marry the one you can live with, but MARRY THE ONE YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT. marrying at 18 i don't see that as rushing things if you and your boyfriend are on the same page. people used to get married at earlier ages and the marriages lasted. it seems marriages any more don't last no time and it seems its the people that are getting married in their late 20's ect. the main thing is make sure you marry the one you cant live without, and the same for him. marriage is not a 50/50 relationship. its a 100% giving yourself to the one you marry.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

norajane said:


> *Agree - there are a lot of things that happen in relationships that you can't even contemplate as a teen, not only because you think it won't happen to YOU, but also because you don't even know to consider those issues in the first place.*
> 
> Other things to think about that you may not have dealt with in your relationship because it is new and has not involved a lot of adult situations yet:
> 
> ...


As I highlighted in bold, what kinds of issues do you mean, exactly? Also, isn't it better to have someone very close to you when you or them experience failure or a major setback?

Also, I agree with dbc. If people used to be married around 18 and that was normal, why does it seem that so many people regard that as being unacceptable now? 

I apologize for all the questions, I just want to know more about what other people think on this and to think deeply about my own views.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

18 now is not 18 then.

At 19, my grandfather had a wife, a baby, a BEAUTIFUL home that he bought, a new car, and a budding career. 1945.  I've seen the home movies.

Ha! most 19 year olds now can't even do laundry.

And in the past, women were raised to marry and make babies. College was only to meet men to marry and make babies with. Marriage was early because it was what was expected. Don't think many of those marriages weren't happy...divorce wasn't an option though.

I mean at one point in history, 16 was old enough to marry and have babies. Why not now? Because people live past the age of 50.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

that_girl said:


> And in the past, women were raised to marry and make babies. College was only to meet men to marry and make babies with. Marriage was early because it was what was expected. Don't think many of those marriages weren't happy...divorce wasn't an option though.


Hm, you definitely make an interesting point here. Women now have so many more options now that they did back then. Also, personally, I don't believe that people should be divorced unless the marriage is putting one of them at risk (such as abuse from their spouse). I think that once a person promises themselves to someone else, they should not go back on that. That is exactly why I was to be absolutely sure of myself before marrying.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wanted to be absolutely sure too. I have been engaged....twice before my husband. Once at 19 and once at 28.  But i couldn't go through with it because I knew I wouldn't mean my vows. Forever is a long time....imagine forever with the wrong person? Hell no.

I took vows when I was 33...and I meant every word. It's still been hard at times but I was ready and understand commitment. I was not ready in my 20s. Had I gone through my separation in my 20s, I would have told the guy to Eff off (out of pride) and walked away (out of spite). I did neither this time...because I 'get it'.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Hm, I see. Well, I have a question then.. how did you know, when you were 33 and got married, that you really understood commitment? Did something change about the way that you thought of it from the time when you were younger until now?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

No, absolutely not. You are too young to fasten your identity to someone else, when you don't even know YOURSELF yet. No matter how mature a woman thinks she is at 18, by the time she hits 25 she sees how little she knew.

I could have married at age 18. I am so glad that I had to good sense to listen to my mother. 

I knew a woman who had her first child at 17. She left her first kid's father for a rich man. They married when she was 19, because she was pregnant with his first child. *Now she is 30 with four children, no high school diploma or life experience away from being a wife and mom. She has so many regrets about tying herself down too early. * 

Another example-I once had a twenty year old coworker. She grew up in a rich family and she never grew up with a sense of independence or earning her keep. An older man who watched her grow up (yuck) starting talking about marriage *after she bought him a Cartier watch*. *Convieniently, his crackhead ex wife signed over custody of their two children*. It was sadly obvious that the guy was after the 20 year old's money and he wanted a mother for his toddlers. Because she was naive and foolish, she quickly became pregnant as a way to keep this man and get him to propose. She was just too young and inexperienced to know any better. What kind of man only wants to get married after an expensive gift?!

The common thread with both of the aforementioned women is youthful naivété. 

I married at 28 and that was a good choice for me. I had lived on my own for five years and been around the block enough times to learn about myself outside of a relationship. Now that I am settled down, I am grateful for my wild single days. They made me appreciate my wonderful husband and being a wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had a career that I love, but had wanted to leave every day for a year (hard class...I'm a teacher) but I worked through it. TOTAL commitment. I think that year really taught me about commitment.

I was stable in my career (had been a teacher for 9 years at that point).

I was financially stable for myself and my daughter (for 7 years straight). I had my own place, my own car, my own everything. I was self sufficient.

I had been enjoying my life in those 7 years. I would date and didn't feel I was "missing out" on anything at the time I met my husband.

I didn't NEED anyone to help me or make me feel taken care of. I was not desperate or getting married to "keep him" or whatever.

I lived with him for a year before deciding to get married. In that time we had a daughter. She was 7 months at the wedding. easy for me to commit to children, difficult to commit to a man.

I really got to see him and respect him. He truly is a man of his word, even if it's bad (like when he left last summer...which was hard but again, instead of running...I had a pity party for a moment, then threw myself into fixing myself and again, getting back to me...and understanding how to love him. I had issues from childhood that needed to be resolved).

We were fine living together and having a life together without marriage. We never wanted to get married...but decided one day just to do it because it felt like the right thing. No societal pressure. No family/friend pressure (my mom pushed until I said we'd never get married. Imagine her surprise when I told her were were haha). 

I just knew. I didn't have the "what ifs" and doubts I had before with people. I knew I could commit to him because in the 2 years before marriage, there were NO red flags that I ignored. I can't say that for the other guys I would have married.

Hubs is the real deal.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I wasn't much older than that when I married, I married right out of college and had started a year younger than most. I'm not sure things would have turned out better for me had I waited, the problems we have don't have much to do with age. We're still together 16 years later, it's possible to hang in there if you not only love each other but continue to enjoy being around each other on a friendship level.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> I am just curious as to what everyone's thoughts are on marriage when you are 18. I am currently 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we have been dating for about a year. He and I plan on getting engaged this december when he is 18 and I am about to turn 18. After that, we will both graduate the next summer then get married before going away to university together. I guess I would just like to know what everyones thoughts are on my situation, or on marriage at age 18 in general.


We lived together, rather than the marriage route...but I never expected to get married anyway. We're married now though. He broke me! 

I only read the first page. I think follow what you feel without losing your head. We were moving in together at 18/19 and most told us it was "puppy love" and warned about getting serious. We knew what we had and felt though. Hubs was questioned in court about his life (to do with his mom's divorce/custody) and he told them he was going to spend his life with me. Even the judge chuckled and made comment about asking an 18 year old boy that's in love. That was 17 years ago. It's not to say we haven't had ups and downs, and working out the dynamic as you change during different times of your life isn't always easy. Hopefully though, you can evolve and change together. We were at make or break last year, it's not been all roses, but it's been a whole lot of wonderful too. He's my best friend.

Only you will know what is right for you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Honestly, I'm so thankful we met young and have all those times together. That we know each others story, that we've seen it all together. I love that. 

Everyone is different, follow your own path.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sorry for coming back to this thread, but I was thinking on it. 

When I met H, I was saving up money by working an office job and my "plan" using the term loosely, was to take off to London. Open-ended travel. I'd saved enough for the air-fare. We fell in love and 6 months in, we were talking about moving out together. My mom encouraged us to wait a bit. We saved together another 6months and found a nice place. Thankfully the agent took a chance on us/our age and agreed to us being tenants. It didn't occur to us back then to go to London together. No idea why. I guess we were just into moving in and being around each other consistently. After a few years, that yearning of "taking off" returned my way. Travel is important to hubs too and we started saving for trips interstate and then overseas. Over the years we made certain financial decisions that allowed us to go overseas on an open-ended journey. Being in our 30's, I remember telling hubs while we were away, that I was so glad that I was doing this big trip at the age we were, instead of when I was younger, because I was taking in all sorts of things that I wouldn't have back then. The priorities would have been different. And I loved that I got to do it all with him. 

When we hit our rough patch last year, I think the understanding we have of each other, the friendship, the foundation, is what really helped pull us through. This is just our story. Maybe it's a perspective for you, I don't know...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I know that our story is very unusual. We got married at 16 and 17 because she was pregnant...and because I could not imagine life without her. We celebrate 40 years this summer. However, it has not been easy. We had counseling and both had to work on our own issues. Today we are best friends and passionate lovers. 

In many ways we were very lucky. We both enjoy the same activities. Whether it is a classical concert or a bluegrass concert...whether it is camping or a week in a resort on the beach we enjoy being together.

Here is my caution: it can be really hard to take a good, hard, objective look at your relationship and see the red flags. You must get counseling. Love can be blind at any age...just read the posts on here. Combine that with youth and that can make it harder. 

So although you can get married young and have a great marriage the odds are against it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> Hm, I see. Well, I have a question then.. how did you know, when you were 33 and got married, that you really understood commitment?


By the time I was 35 and married I had screwed commitment up so many different ways I understood it through process of elimination.




> Did something change about the way that you thought of it from the time when you were younger until now?


Yeah, my priorities changed and yours will too.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, to begin, that_girl, Thank you very much for sharing that with me, I really appreciate it a lot. And I have to say, I am very happy for you and how your relationship turned out . Now, I realize that it would probably be ideal for me to wait until I finish college and start my career and become stable, but I'm not sure. Also, I suppose I should admit that I have yet to tell my parents. They talk about he and I getting married (they both absolutely love him, my mother said that she feels as if he is her own son), but they always add "when you're older" when talking about our marriage. Thsi kind of makes me worry because I am not sure I could let myself marry without my parents' approval. We have talked to his parents, though, and they said that it is our choice and they hope that things will work out for us. Also, I feel that I need to add that I have not felt any societal pressure or pressure from friends to be married, I just feel that I know that it is what I want and he wants it as well. 

Also, to romantic_guy, why would it be necessary to get counseling? It seems like it would be a waste of money if we arent having problems..

To heartsbeating, I really thank you for sharing that, it has definitely given me some insight. Although you met at 18, how old were you when you married?


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

Counseling isn't only when you have problems. Counseling offers much more, some examples are learning how to deal with conflicts before they arise, gaining new prespectives, learning about yourself and your role in the relationship and much much more. I do not see counseling as a waste of money. 

In fact, many religious leaders recommend it before they perform the marriage ceremony.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

My situation = Im now 26 and I met my fiance when i was 18

My opinion:
If you are in love and are going to spend the rest of your lives together regardless . . . . . what's the rush?

I always thought that (me) considering marriage before my mid 20s would have been very immature because i realised that at such at young age i had no experience of life. How could i make the most important decision of my life (as i dont not believe in divorce) without any experience/information?

I dont see how (in this day and age) your relationship would be enhanced by having that ceremony/piece of paper?

Years ago people got married young because it was not socially acceptable to take your relationship to the next level without the ring. Today you can do what you like, so take advantage!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

JJG said:


> I dont see how (in this day and age) your relationship would be enhanced by having that ceremony/piece of paper?
> 
> Years ago people got married young because it was not socially acceptable to take your relationship to the next level without the ring. Today you can do what you like, so take advantage!


This is a very good point.

Monicagrace - is this urgent desire to get married right away about sex? You said that you and your bf have not been sexually active. Are you waiting until you get married to have sex, so that's why you want to get married as soon as possible?

Because you really have not given much or any information or explanation on why you are so eager to get married right away. And that is the first question your parents will ask and want to understand. If you cannot even articulate your reasons here, you aren't likely to be able to convince your parents that this is a good idea.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

norajane said:


> Monicagrace - is this urgent desire to get married right away about sex? You said that you and your bf have not been sexually active. Are you waiting until you get married to have sex, so that's why you want to get married as soon as possible?


No, I do not want to get married in order to have sex, that is not my reason at all. Why does anyone get married? Because they love someone else, to show their love for someone else, to get started being able to really do things together: living together, university, trips. To be there for their successes and to support them when they don't succeed. Generally to be there for them and to promise that you always will. Isnt that what marriage is about? Supporting each other? 

Also, on the more practical side, my morals tell me that I cannot live with a man unless we are married, it wouldn't feel right. 

It seems that a lot of people, when they get older, lose the spark and sometimes settle down because they feel they're old enough to. I want to settle down because I love the other person, not simply because I feel that it was appropriate. I will admit, it would be easier if I had met him at a stightly later age, but I didn't. I guess those are my reasons for wanting to be married.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Monicagrace, premarital counseling is a MUST no matter what the age. A good counselor can help identify issues and help you to resolve them before marriage. Also, the vast majority of couples have no idea what they are getting into. For instance, have you taken the Myers/Briggs personality test? Have your read "The Five Love languages?" Do you even know how your personalities and expectations differ? Then there are the learned patterns of behavior from your family. One good book I recommend is "The Couple Checkup". It helps identify the areas of compatibility and the areas the need growth in your relationship. If you think you will say "I do" and everything will just work itself out, you are indeed blinded by love.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I never wanted to settle either. Which is why I was single for so long 

But damn if Hubs didn't blow my skirt up. I never thought I'd love like this.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

The only other thing that concerns me here is you have only been dating for a year. And while you may feel like you really know your man, a year out of many is so little a time. I am not belittling your relationship in any way, don't get me wrong. Some people just click.

I agree with premarital counselling too, it gives you better tools to work with when handling conflict and other issues. I unfortunately didn't go that route and regret it big time.

When you live with someone, things are not always as peachy as they were when living apart. Have you discussed things like housework distribution, cooking- all the other things that are expected between two people in a marriage? Despite how silly it sounds, the old joke about which position the toilet lid should be left in has the possibility to become a major bone of contention.

What about kids? Finances? Have the two of you discussed those things?

People change so much. The more realistically you go into a situation, the better prepared you are to handle things if they take a turn you don't like.

Otherwise... have you considered a long engagemet? My friends have been engaged for about 5 years and truly do love each other. Neither are in a rush to have that certificate until all the finances are sorted, until they have a house etc. Sure they have been pressured to 'seal the deal', but they are happy doing what they are doing and will marry when they are ready. They are happy knowing they have an announced commitment, even if it not ''official''.

What are your views on not living together before marriage? Is there a specific reason you don't like the idea? Is sex before marriage a problem for you also? I don't mean to pry, but if we better understand the situation, the more advice suited to your situation can be given.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are juniors in HS too. A year in HS is not a year in the real world. Date for a year AFTER HS and see what happens.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You are juniors in HS too. A year in HS is not a year in the real world. Date for a year AFTER HS and see what happens.


Agree ^^


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

And wow, my phone screwed me on this one, didn't realise there were so many pages in reply 

Just saw the band thing. What happens if it isn't the reliable source of income as you perceived from his end? Have you thought about being the band widow who is at home alone while he is out on tour all the time if they strike it big? And throw kids into that equation it can become harder. Without a doubt, people can do it and be happy, but can YOU?
Also the issue between a lot of band couples is of groupies if they get big... is that something you can handle? Even if he is not the kind of person to do something like that and you believe it now, will you believe it in another 5 years? Not all rumours are true, and there are people who do stay true to their SO, but even in those situations, jealousy can work in funny ways. Are you a jealous person? Could you become a jealous person over this?

I don't want to sound like I'm dumping all over your dreams but 'know thyself' is so important... especially when you commit to someone else.

Edit to add: PS. I believe in marriage, I really do. No one ever really marries believing they will get divorced... sometimes it just happens. I just say all this to make you think if you hadn't already. There is no point in you possibly making another divorce stat if it's all stuff that you hadn't come to think of yet


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, to begin, he and I have discussed things like finances and such. As of right now, we make about 2100 a month total. It isn't much, I realize this, but we've talked about it and it would be enough. The apartment that we looked at is 700 a month, I plan about 400 for food and things (I would rather overestimate than underestimate), THe college that we attend is within walking distance and all of our jobs are within 5 minutes from it. Therefore, gas would only be about 90 permonth for me and 150 for him, tops. That leaves us with about 760. The apartment only makes us pay the electricity bill which I could estimate to be about 100. With car insurance and any other bills that we have, 400 should be enough from the rates that we currently have. That leaves us with 260 for anything I may have missed. 

As for household chores, we have discussed those as well and has decided who will do what. We both eventually want 4 children, but not until we are older and financially stable.

I'm not completely sure why I don't like the idea of living together before marriage, I just don't feel that it is right and I'm not comfortable with it. Also, no, I do not believe in pre-marital sex either. Again, I am not comfortable with it.

As for the one year thing, I suppose I am asking this a bit in advance, we will have been dating for a little over two years if we get married when we plan to. And yes, we are the age of juniors in high school, but as I mentioned earlier, we both attend the community college instead and the credits count towars high school and college. We also both work two jobs. I know people always talk about the "real world" after high school, but I feel that he and I are not really high schoolers.

As for the band thing, that is probably my biggest concern with the whole thing, honestly. we have talked about it and I would not be willing to give up my dream of marine biology to travel with his band if they become that well-known and he respects that. As for groupies, I am not a jealous persona and I never have been. I also know that he wouldn't cheat or anything, we both have nearly the same morals and values.

I apologize for the length of this post, I am just trying to address everyones responses.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Most of my exes are musicians.

Nothing came of it for anyone. They had fun though. My older daughter's father is still a musician. deadbeat dad too. lol.

Pipe dreams...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was married a few weeks after my 19th birthday.. I think a lot differently now, then I did at 19. I am 33 now. My husband is 10 years older then me.

There is nothing wrong with waiting to get married.. I was never really on my own, I never lived alone. I never had my "own" place.. I never got to experience the world. I never got to know myself alone! 

I can't say getting married at 19 was one of the biggest mistakes i have ever made, but it is right up there. Married almost 15 years and I left him almost 2 weeks ago.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Most of my exes are musicians.
> 
> Nothing came of it for anyone. They had fun though.
> 
> Pipe dreams...


Yes, this is what I sorta getting at with the whole unreliable source of income thing... pipe dreams being a much better turn of phrase, thanks 







monicagrace27 said:


> As for the band thing, that is probably my biggest concern with the whole thing, honestly. we have talked about it and I would not be willing to give up my dream of marine biology to travel with his band if they become that well-known and he respects that.


Are you meaning you are concerned about being home while he travels? Or do you mean what happens if they actually make it after you are married and have your dream job? Will you quit to follow the band? Will he have to give it up? Will either of you have to walk away from the relationship cuz you both want your dreams so bad? 
What I mean is, if you both had your dreams, how would you make it work in reality? How would the two of you make it work?
Apart from the number of kidlets, have you talked about who stays home with them, etc?
There always has to be compromise in a relationship, and if one person gives up their dream, it can breed resentment. Better to know the answers to this before getting hitched 

By the way, it is wonderful you have done some practical talking with him re your future together. 
And don't worry about post length... have you seen mine?? Lol, I'm sure I'm out to clock up novellas!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I was engaged to a woman when I was 18. We were hopelessly in love. She left me when we were midway through college. 

Now as to your situation. You can still be in love, still be friends, still support each other through college, and then get married. Your love will only grow and you'll be able to afford a nicer wedding and honeymoon.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Monica, not trying to sound condescending but you're still a kid. Marriage comes with a lot of responsibility and constant work to keep it going, people mature into marriage.

I think the both of you should experience life first and then really "settle down". University can be a life changing experience and you might encounter alot things that will make you question your relationship. I just fear that you might look back and ponder all the things you missed out on because you married so young. If you can make it through University together still committed then definitely get married.


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## Mom_In-Love (Mar 18, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Honestly, I'm so thankful *we met young and have all those times together*. That *we know each others story, that we've seen it all together*. I love that.
> 
> Everyone is different, follow your own path.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Yep. This is one of the most amazing things about meeting young. It makes you feel kinda lucky to have found that right person to share most of your entire life with. All the youth, and all that comes after. Love it!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

monicagrace27 said:


> To heartsbeating, I really thank you for sharing that, it has definitely given me some insight. Although you met at 18, how old were you when you married?


We married MUCH later ....but we were living together, bought a house, all of that. As I said, marriage wasn't essential to me. Being with him was. 

I think if you have found someone special then I am of the opinion, you will be with them. If waiting 5 years being engaged is a big deal, I personally question why. If you're with him, you're with him. However I do recognize I'm often the minority with the way I view marriage and I don't know if there's a religious reasoning as to you wanting to marry. We were living together for years. By living together, some view it as being an 'easy way out' if things don't work. I viewed it the other way, that we were both there because we really wanted to be.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

alone_not_lonely said:


> Are you meaning you are concerned about being home while he travels? Or do you mean what happens if they actually make it after you are married and have your dream job? Will you quit to follow the band? Will he have to give it up? Will either of you have to walk away from the relationship cuz you both want your dreams so bad?
> What I mean is, if you both had your dreams, how would you make it work in reality? How would the two of you make it work?
> Apart from the number of kidlets, have you talked about who stays home with them, etc?


Well, one concern is that IF his band becomes more popular, that he will want me to come with and I'm not willing to completely give up my dreams. I would be willing to go with sometimes, but other times I wouldn't be able to. And if he were to become famous after we are married, I guess that I wouldn't know what to do. Although, chances are slim of them becoming famous (not because they arent good, but because its just hard to become famous), so it isn't like we would have to base our decisions of whether to marry or not completely on this. Also, he told me that his band will more than likely be just a side thing because he is going to college to be an astrophysicist.

One thing that I don't understand is that many of you have said to experience life first before marrying... but I'm cruious why its so bad to want to experience life with your husband?

Ladybird, do you think that being married so young affected your relationship with him?


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> Well, to begin, he and I have discussed things like finances and such. As of right now, we make about 2100 a month total. It isn't much, I realize this, but we've talked about it and it would be enough. The apartment that we looked at is 700 a month, I plan about 400 for food and things (I would rather overestimate than underestimate), THe college that we attend is within walking distance and all of our jobs are within 5 minutes from it. Therefore, gas would only be about 90 permonth for me and 150 for him, tops. That leaves us with about 760. The apartment only makes us pay the electricity bill which I could estimate to be about 100. With car insurance and any other bills that we have, 400 should be enough from the rates that we currently have. That leaves us with 260 for anything I may have missed.


This was my post from earlier, I explained the finances. Also, I have 4800 in my bank right now and for college, the community college that I am attending now costs around 2000 (without financial aid) per semester, books and classes included. It has the lowest tuition in my state

I don't believe I've missed anything, correct me if I have.

Edit* Also, we have both bought our own cars already, so no need to save up for that.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> That is a good start. A person can live cheap in college if their focus is 100 percent on school.
> 
> I would buy health insurance thru the college. Normally it's cheaper unless your job covers it. Say $100 each per 6 months.
> 
> ...


Alright, so then thats about another 20 each per month, which leaves us with about 220. for clothes, I know that I shop for clothes once a year and spend about 120. He probably does the same, he has not had many new clothes since he and I met, I know that. Neither of us watch tv, so no need to worry about that. I've already accounted for 400 per month for food in my earlier post. As for internet, about 20$ per month through qwest, which is my current provider. That then leaves us with 200 to deposit. Not much, I know, but hopefully enough. I am willing to get another job if I need to.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

No, we would have to use the money that we have saved. 2000 per year would be the total cost each, which, with scholarships and financial aid, would be very do-able.


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## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

monicagrace27 said:


> Well, one concern is that IF his band becomes more popular, that he will want me to come with and I'm not willing to completely give up my dreams. I would be willing to go with sometimes, but other times I wouldn't be able to. And if he were to become famous after we are married, I guess that I wouldn't know what to do. Although, chances are slim of them becoming famous (not because they arent good, but because its just hard to become famous), so it isn't like we would have to base our decisions of whether to marry or not completely on this.
> 
> One thing that I don't understand is that many of you have said to experience life first before marrying... but I'm cruious why its so bad to want to experience life with your husband?


Ok, have you discussed that scenario with him? That could be a big make or break, and while you don't base the decision to get married solely off the band of course, you just have to know what is expected of each other if (and it's a big if) that scenario arises. Of course there are going to be unforeseen things come up, but working with the issues that you know are there and working all the hypotheticals will give you a better idea and confidence about your decisions. 

As for the last paragraph I quoted, it's that whole know thyself deal again. When you are in a relationship, it is all too easy to be too focussed on how the other person feels about you, not on what you want or need for yourself. While it is great to experience life with a partner, both you and your partner need a solid idea of who you both are to get the best out of a marriage- which comes in the form of life experience and knowing what you both want to achieve in life and how to develop that as an individual.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Ok sounds good on finance side.
> If you both work full time in summer then you can build up savings and have a small emergency fund during rest of year.
> 
> Let's talk about your high level goals in marriage.
> ...


Thank you, Dean, I really appreciate this. 
Well, once we are married, yes, I would go on birth control. We have both decided that we would want our first child when I am about 25.

As for the job, he plans on getting his doctoral degree in astrophysics, and I hope to get a phD in marine biology. With the college that we are getting now, we will both be ablke to haveour two year degree when we graduate and, if I take only the courses thatI need, I could finish with my phD when I am about 23-24. His, I am not positive on about how long it would take.

To alone_not_lonely, yes, he and I have talked about that scenario and he told me that he would not be able to leave me behind and I know that he does put me before his band, always.

I suppose I get what you are saying about knowing yourself, but personally, I think that it is possible to grow and learn aboujt yourself, even if in a relationship with someone else. I feel that they can help you to learn about yourself.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> So you both plan on getting PHD's......good for you!
> 
> Let me ask you a question that is related to the finance side.
> If you don't get married right away, will both your parents continue to help you go to college?
> Support you with money where you wouldn't have to work as many hours.


Thank you.

Well, any money that was for us to go to college, they put into our bank accounts when we were little. For me, at least. Money is a bit tighter at his house and his family did not plan on helping him. Also, I have an aunt who has always planned to help us through school and has 5000 set aside for each niece and nephew.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> One thing that I don't understand is that many of you have said to experience life first before marrying... but I'm cruious why its so bad to want to experience life with your husband?


It's not at all bad to want to experience life with your husband.

What can be bad is if you marry young before you have experienced life as an adult, and then experience life, learn and grow and develop into your adult self, and realize that you made a huge mistake marrying a man you are no longer interested in or feel happy to be with.

It happens all the time - people rarely marry their first love, because that person that was right for them as teenagers is totally wrong for them later.

Just like you are no longer interested in the things you loved when you were 10, you may very well not be interested in your bf at 25 or 30 as you are now at 17. So marrying at 17 ties you to somebody that you are not likely to want in your life when you've had a chance to experience YOURSELF as you develop into the person you will become. 

What it comes down to, is you and your bf are likely to fall out of love because you are likely to change as people as you experience more of life and learn more about who you are and what you want in life. It would be a terrible thing to be married when that happens.

It's also possible you will limit yourself in order to conform to your husband's life (and he limit himself for you), and neither of you will end up being the person that you really want to be or would have been had you given yourself a chance to develop and grow on your own. YOu can end up holding each other back or resenting each other.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I think its unwise for most people few are truly truly in love sooner or later the guy or the girl starts to imagine what life might be like with other people. They start wishing or wanting to date other people and have other experiences if there are children early than it is a burden typically in addition they tend to rarely be financially secure. Often it seems when they do decide to break it off or want to see other people the wife will feel like that after kids and wish for a different life and the husband will cheat but not divorce and continue on with it. 


I have only seen 2 people who married that young who are still together and they are in there late 40's i suppose they got lucky in finding each other and being truly in love all these years.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Monica,
> 
> How about an update. Did you read the last few posts?
> 
> Has anything changed with your thinking, plans, etc ?


Yes, dean, I have read the past couple of posts. I apologize for my absense, I have been busy with college recently.

As for the money thing, nothing would change for either of us financially if we were not married. My aunt would still help, even if I married and none of his relatives have money aside for him or anything.

And I realize that owrking during college will not be easy, but both of us are willing to do it. Now, I have a sister who is in college, age 18, and she lives on her own, goes to college ful time (15 credits), and works four jobs. Also, she keeps her gpa at about 3.3 which is not terrible. Currently, I work 2 jobs and have school full time and have a gpa of 3.8. My boyfriend has one job and full time college with a 4.0 gpa. I'm not sure that matters, but as you said, many places will not hire unless the gpa is 3.5ish or higher.

I realize that people may become curious about other people during a marriage, but that can happen no matter what age you marry, right?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

good luck. You're gonna need it.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Yes any age-smart girl. Would his playing in the band pay? Be part of his job for income?
> 
> I'm asking because if it doesn't bring in income, then the number of hours you spend apart goes up during college.
> 
> ...


Well, currently, he makes about 150$ per gig, but he has a real job as well because 150 is near nothing. I dont understand what you mean by if it doesnt bring in income then the number of hours spent apart in college will go up. could you elaborate? I apologize for not understanding.

As far as the calander thing goes, that depends on a lot of factors that I am not sure about yet. To begin, though, we will not yet be married in Jan. of 2013. I am going to assume that you meant that I should plan things for when we are married, though. 

The amount of credits he will be taking in college after we marry, I am not sure about, but I will say about 12 because that is what I plan on for after we marry. I will say about 12 hours in school, 10 per week doing homework and school related things. 6 hours a week for his band. 30 for his job (at least). And we both sleep about 6-8 hours a night, so x7 would be about 50 hours. And probably about 1.5 hours a day for eating, including any preparation. That totals about 119 hours and there are 168 per week which leaves 49 hours. I will take off 25 hours for driving, times that our schedules don't match up, and anything else I may have missed. That leave about exactly 24 hours for quality time together. Is that what you were asking me to do?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I hope you have better experience with a musician than I did with mine. lol.

The older he got, the less productive he became but music was still a big deal. Then it was me working, him 'musicking' and wow...

Years after we broke up, he's still in music. Back living with mom. No job besides music and he just turned 38.

Please tell me your fiance has more sense of what it takes to make a marriage and family work. 

Love doesn't pay the bills.


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I hope you have better experience with a musician than I did with mine. lol.
> 
> The older he got, the less productive he became but music was still a big deal. Then it was me working, him 'musicking' and wow...
> 
> ...


I am very sorry that things worked out that way for you, but if you were the only one supporting both of you, then it was probably for the best.

I have talked to my boyfriend about this and he realizes that school, work, and family come first before his band. Although he dreams of making it big, he said that he knows the chances are very little that it will happen that way. 

I have to be honest, I have thought about this and I truly hope that he will follow through with his career choice of being an astrophysicist just as I will follow through with becoming a marine biologist. I love art and drawing, but that will get me nowhere financially in life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm with Dean on that one.

Oh, my ex had a great job for a while. Computer work...his major. Made 6 figures. It was nice while that lasted. But music won the race, I guess lol!


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

Oh, I apologize, Dean, I didn't understand what you meant. I am not sure if he would give up his band entirely if his grades were slipping, but his grades are extremely important to him and I know that he would at least spend less time with the band. 

And he and I have discussed it and he knows that if his band did take off, I would not be willing to give up marine biology to travel with him and his band. He knows that and is okay with it. 

I suppose I ought to mention this, as I did on another post. He and I became sexually active as of last weekend. I realize that I had advocated no sex before marriage and in a way, I wish I had waited longer, but also, I feel that it was okay for us to. I'm not sure if that makes a huge difference or anything. Personally, I feel no different and I don't think that it was as big of a deal as it seemed to be before.

And to that_girl, I can only hope that he won't choose his band over real work.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

If you did not ask your age would not so why you ask?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

the gifted said:


> If you did not ask your age would not so why you ask?


What?

This sentence doesn't make any sense in English. Did your computer auto-correct?


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## monicagrace27 (Apr 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> Monica,
> 
> Did you ever get on Birth Control?
> 
> ...


I apologize for not replying, I've been kinda busy lately. But no, I haven't. I also don't don't know if I will be sexually active regularly. If we do decide to, we will use protection as we did before. 

I understand how the stress of having a child so young and before becoming stable in both finances and your relationship could really cause the relationship to deteriorate and that is not something that I want. I talked to my boyfriend about it and he understands and says that he will wait if I decide that I do not want to do it again for a while.


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