# Husband and I disagree on overnight guests!!!



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

I’m 31, husband is 41. I work full time and we have 3 kids, and I’m also currently 23 wks pregnant. We’ve been married 11 years, almost 12.

Since the very beginning of our relationship, he has understood that I’m a very introverted person and that I need my space at the end of the day to recharge after a day of dealing with people and socializing. I guess he has been under the impression that this is something that he can change about me by forcing me into uncomfortable situations, because he’s never really been respectful of my feelings on this particular issue. However, my feelings remain the same. I’m just as uncomfortable having guests stay here/being a house guest as I’ve always been, despite the times my husband had pushed me into those situations.

For many years, before we had kids, if he wanted guests to stay with us or if we were the guests and were offered to stay with the people we were visiting, I obliged to make him happy, but I was very anxious and uncomfortable the whole time. I come from a family where if family visits, they stay at a hotel when it’s time to wind down for the night. Even when my own parents visited us for our wedding, they stayed at a hotel. I’m the same way. I am much more comfortable at a hotel.

Now that we have kids and I work full time, it’s even more important that I get time to be myself and relax at the end of a stressful day. Home is my safe place and with guests in the house, I feel I can’t fully recharge or be myself. I used to hide in the bedroom when I was forced in these situations but I’m not willing to do that anymore. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own home.With that being said, over the last few years, I’ve not been as willing to bend on this issue but yet my husband still continues to ask if we can have overnight guests.

A few weeks ago his sister was coming to visit but she ended up postponing it because of the weather. He asked if he she could stay here. I told him I’d prefer that she doesn’t. It would be uncomfortable for me regardless but she usually brings a boyfriend when she visits and we’ve never even met the current one she’s with. I don’t feel it’s safe to have a stranger staying here when we have kids in the home. I’m sure he’s probably a nice guy but it just makes me uneasy to think of someone sleeping in my house that I’ve never even met.

Anyway, my husband replied with “well can we at least offer to pay for a hotel for her?” I said fine, if it would make him happy. Id much rather that than to have people staying here. As I said, She ended up not coming because of the weather but she came this past weekend instead. When my husband told me she was coming, I asked my him if she was planning to stay at a hotel or what the arrangements were. He said she had gotten a hotel and had paid for it herself. Then he started getting upset saying “I don’t know why you bring this up, you know it’s not a good topic. I thought we weren’t going to talk about this anymore”.

I let it go but I was confused because he’s the one that brought it up in the first place by asking if his sister could stay here, knowing full and well how I feel about those things. I know some of you probably won’t understand my position on this. Some of you are probably more like my husband and you enjoy having guests stay with you but for me, it causes a lot of stress. I don’t see how he’s really losing anything by enjoying spending all the time with the guests he wants to during the day but letting everyone go their separate ways by night. For him, not having overnight guests just means he won’t get to spend every single waking moment with the guests. For me, having overnight guests means me feeling discomfort and anxiousness and hiding in my bedroom for days just to get some alone time.
I don’t think it’s fair for that to be forced upon me. We both live here and I think if either of us has any objections to people staying here, then people shouldn’t stay here.

I don’t want my husband to try to change my feelings and he doesn’t even have to understand them just as I don’t understand his. I just want him to respect and accept my feelings. I’ve tried to think of ways to come up with a compromise and here are my ideas.

1. neither myself or my husband can have overnight guests. Guests are welcome to spend time with us during the day but at the end of the day, everyone will go their separate ways. We may offer to pay for w a guest’s hotel room if they don’t have one already, so long as it’s somewhere affordable and for a reasonable amount of time.

2. We can have an overnight guest(s) once or twice a year for no more than 3-4 days at a time. If the guests plan to stay longer, they’ll have to get a hotel for the remainder of the visit, which we may offer to pay for. If one spouse would be more comfortable staying at a hotel themselves while a guest is staying in the home, he/she may do so.

With option 2, I feel it would give him what he wants but it would also allow me to have the alone time that is necessary for me. And we wouldn’t have to tell anyone I was going to a hotel because of them, we could make up an excuse like that I’m going to stay with a friend for a few days or something. Although something tells me that if my husband had to be here being the sole parent to care for the kids, maintain the house and also deal with house guests, he might not be so eager to do it. But I’d be willing to try this if he wanted. Also with this option, if there’s any disagreement on who will be staying here (like if a family member wants to bring along a friend or someone we’ve never met) then we will go back to the option of offering to pay for their hotel instead of offering to let them stay with us.

opinions/advice?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

IMO family stays at your home. I understand you come from a family where that doesn't happen but it's the norm for most every body else. I get that you need time / space / sanctuary to recharge but you should be able to suck it up for 3-4 days 3-4x per year. He's not demanding house guests every week & these aren't strangers. They are family. Since you know in advance when people will be coming build some solitary time into the visits & maybe take the day off after they leave to recharge your batteries.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

september_sky said:


> I’m 31, husband is 41. I work full time and we have 3 kids, and I’m also currently 23 wks pregnant. We’ve been married 11 years, almost 12.
> 
> Since the very beginning of our relationship, he has understood that I’m a very introverted person and that I need my space at the end of the day to recharge after a day of dealing with people and socializing. I guess he has been under the impression that this is something that he can change about me by forcing me into uncomfortable situations, because he’s never really been respectful of my feelings on this particular issue. However, my feelings remain the same. I’m just as uncomfortable having guests stay here/being a house guest as I’ve always been, despite the times my husband had pushed me into those situations.
> 
> ...


I personally think your boundaries are a little on the extreme side, however, they are yours to have. Being introverted myself and married to an extrovert, I can completely relate to your story. 

I also agree with @D0nnivain that close family _should_ have special understanding and grace in this area. But again… your house your rules so whatever you and hubby agree to is fine.

When we have family guests (a fairly normal occurrence) I just deal with it for a few days. Maintaining good relations and showing hospitality with family outweighs my discomfort levels by a long shot.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I'm with @D0nnivain on this one. I'm not fond of house guests or staying in someone else's home. I just don't feel comfortable with what I perceive as reduced privacy. However, they are family. I feel we have to make some reasonable sacrifices for family. Especially when it is something as simple as welcoming them into your home for a few days. 

I think it would be pretty silly and make you look quite weird if you stayed in a hotel while guests stayed in your house. The rest of your option 2 seems very reasonable. It wouldn't be right for family to be constantly staying for extended periods. 

Give us an idea about frequency and duration of stay we are talking about here. In a given year how many times and typically how long would someone be visiting?


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm with @D0nnivain on this one. I'm not fond of house guests or staying in someone else's home. I just don't feel comfortable with what I perceive as reduced privacy. However, they are family. I feel we have to make some reasonable sacrifices for family. Especially when it is something as simple as welcoming them into your home for a few days.
> 
> I think it would be pretty silly and make you look quite weird if you stayed in a hotel while guests stayed in your house. The rest of your option 2 seems very reasonable. It wouldn't be right for family to be constantly staying for extended periods.
> 
> Give us an idea about frequency and duration of stay we are talking about here. In a given year how many times and typically how long would someone be visiting?


Typically, I’d say we dont have guests more than once or twice a year and typically not for more than a few days. There was one time when his dad stayed with us and didn’t really say when he was planning to leave and he ended up staying 2 weeks but I think that was an isolated incident because it hasn’t happened in years. I agree that it would look weird if they knew I was going to a hotel which is why I suggested telling them I had already made plans to stay with a friend or something like that. But still, I can see how this seems a little extreme. I’m just trying think of ways we could both get what we want. And to be honest, I don’t see why it’s necessary for family to sleep under the same roof during a visit, making it to where we spend practically every moment together. Waking up together, going to sleep together, eating every meal together, sharing bathrooms, etc. I don’t get why anyone would want that when you could visit all day as much as you want but simply go to a nearby hotel when it’s time for bed so everyone can get some space. Again, for many years, I have sucked it up when his family has came to visit and I went with it to make my husband happy but I’m just starting to feel like that’s not fair anymore. What is he losing by having his family sleep at a nearby hotel? Especially when we offer to pay for it? On the other hand, what am I losing by having family stay with us? My privacy, my peace, and my ability to be comfortable in my own home. I know that it doesn’t seem like a lot if it’s only happening once or twice a year but with the added responsibilities I have right now, I honestly don’t feel I can handle anymore added stress. I feel I no longer have the time or energy, mentally or physically, to deal with work, kids, pregnancy, and having to deal with house guests on top of that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Last time I looked, you are required to share life with others.

So, what's the solution?

Grit and bear it?

Or-

See a prescribing physician.

For safety and efficacy take a Beta Blocker (off label) the day that guests arrive.
Atenolol is one brand. It calms the anxiety.
Side effects are mild.
Do not take this drug if pregnant!

Valium taken when guests arrive would help.
But this drug is very addictive and you do not want to take this when pregnant!
This is an all around bad choice.

Alcohol is short acting, and addictive, so no.

Many of the other anti-anxiety medications squash your sex drive,
Not good for a marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

september_sky said:


> Typically, I’d say we dont have guests more than once or twice a year and typically not for more than a few days. There was one time when his dad stayed with us and didn’t really say when he was planning to leave and he ended up staying 2 weeks but I think that was an isolated incident because it hasn’t happened in years. I agree that it would look weird if they knew I was going to a hotel which is why I suggested telling them I had already made plans to stay with a friend or something like that. But still, I can see how this seems a little extreme. I’m just trying think of ways we could both get what we want. And to be honest, I don’t see why it’s necessary for family to sleep under the same roof during a visit, making it to where we spend practically every moment together. Waking up together, going to sleep together, eating every meal together, sharing bathrooms, etc. I don’t get why anyone would want that when you could visit all day as much as you want but simply go to a nearby hotel when it’s time for bed so everyone can get some space. Again, for many years, I have sucked it up when his family has came to visit and I went with it to make my husband happy but I’m just starting to feel like that’s not fair anymore. What is he losing by having his family sleep at a nearby hotel? Especially when we offer to pay for it? On the other hand, what am I losing by having family stay with us? My privacy, my peace, and my ability to be comfortable in my own home. I know that it doesn’t seem like a lot if it’s only happening once or twice a year but with the added responsibilities I have right now, I honestly don’t feel I can handle anymore added stress. I feel I no longer have the time or energy, mentally or physically, to deal with work, kids, pregnancy, and having to deal with house guests on top of that.


It would be one thing if these guests were jerks, but if they are just friendly people I would want to maximize my time with them. Guests that visit from out of town are people you don't see often, so you want to make the most out of them being around.

Not trying to be mean here, your feelings are your feelings, but you are making a huge deal out of what sounds like maybe 8 days out of 365. 98% of the year you have the house all to yourself. Everyone has a breaking point and 3 kids with a 4th on the way is certainly stressful, but this level of anxiety seems really way outside of the norm. Have you sought help for this anxiety? Do you suffer from anxiety in general? Have you always been like this, or has it only been since you are pregnant?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OP's response to others, those others, felt as strangers, is not so uncommon.
She is not alone in her thinking, by any means.

It must be recognized, minimized and dealt with maturely.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda is not helpful.

This is why I offered the temporary sedating solution.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

My husband's family are like this. When we go stay with them, they don't have room for us but my H refuses to get a hotel because "it would hurt their feelings." Meanwhile my H, with heart disease and sleep apnea, is sleeping on the floor like a college kid when we could just as easily go get a hotel. I'm usually on a couch or on the floor with him (tough on an old lady) and my son is sleeping in a bed that's too small for him, in a recliner or also on the floor. It's fine for a night here and there, but if we're going to stay 3-4 nights it's absurd. 

Marriage is "for better or worse." If a few days a couple times a year of "worse" is all you're getting, I think things are ok. We all make compromises for the people we love.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well OP fear not. Not every family does sleep at the house. When family visits us there are hotels involved. When we visit family it's 50/50 if hotels are involved.

Unless you are broke I dont' see why anyone would complain about going to a hotel to sleep unless it is 30 minutes from your house to the hotel.

I prefer having some down time when guests aren't in the house as well. After 9-10 pm they can return to a nice clean bed with their own shower and a pool/jacuzzi if desired. I can have an hour of peace and quite without worrying if the shower / toilet/towels/bed is to their liking.

The real issue is why you and your husband are having so much strife about this? It does not appear to be about the money so what do you think is the real issue? Is he trying to change your natural inversion? Is there a different issue like you try to shoe them out early? Does he feel you don't like his family? Is it the money? Is the hotel far away? Does the family complain about having to leave?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We're with you, OP. Overnight guests for a few days at most, a few times a year is okay. If they want to stay longer, they need to book a hotel nearby. There are one or two exceptions where we are extremely compatible and a longer visit isn't a burden. Despite being retired, we're busy, and we are both introverts and like our privacy and alone time. In your situation with work, kids, and pregnancy, the last thing you need is more to do and becoming more fatigued. I suggest that if it becomes too much to bear, YOU stay at a hotel and let your husband deal with the kids and guests for a few days - work and pregnancy are enough to handle, but you can visit for a couple of hours after dinner, perhaps. I'd also make sure that guests do not bring pets other than certified service animals.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I can totally relate to you, OP. I’m an introvert and my husband is more extroverted. I could go into a lot of personal examples we’ve had but I’ll say that what I’ve come to realize is that I can sacrifice for a weekend or a week here and there. While it’s not my ideal thing to wake up in the morning with a bunch of extroverts staying over, I have found that I’ve grown by the “sacrifice.” I don’t make my husband feel bad or get into arguments over it - I’ve learned to accept that sometimes, it’s okay to not always get my own way.

My husband knows this about me and is beyond grateful and he does things for me - and in it, we both have found that we just enjoy the moments, instead of arguing over these things anymore.

Obviously if it’s constant, and in-laws/friends are constantly staying over, that would be rough lol but if it’s not often, I would say just try to find the joy in it.

Marriage has changed me I guess, I wasn’t always this zen. 

Hope you both find ways to compromise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am also an introvert and find it draining having people stay. However we do have family to stay from time to time because we live a way away from some of them. They stay from about 2 days up to a week and we have a small house. However they are family and we would never expect them to stay in a hotel, none of them have spare money either to do that and nor do we.
Once they have gone I get my rest and that's that.
I understand that you are tired expecting your 4th child, but it sounds as if you were like this long before the children anyway.
Having 4 children would wear me out, I had 3 and that was enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I prefer hotels when I visit. Unfortunately, I have no choice when someone visits but if I did it would be hotels for them too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ex invited her family over to stay over without my permission once, I was so mad at her. I hate this so much and I don't really have much to contribute but as an introvert having had extroverted partners all my life I understand your pain!

Invade my territory and I'm not so cute anymore:


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Al I see is: I, Me, Mine. Me, Me, Me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I think it's a bit extreme for you to go to a hotel while family is in the house. And the "going to a friend's house" excuse wouldn't make any sense at all. 

I understand how you're feeling (my wife is the exact same way) but honestly, I think you just need to suck it up if it's only 2-3 times a year for a few days.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

As an introvert I can relate.

My wife and I both are introverts however her mbti is the most extroverted of the introverts and I’m 98% on the introvert scale.
Extroverts could understand if they researched that where they get energy from interaction we introverts get our energy from quiet and alone time.
Introverts are more mentally active during social interactions which is taxing whereas extroverts set aside mental processes during social interactions.

As to your issue: I’m with you in guests sleeping elsewhere cause if we visit I never liked sleeping at someone else’s house.

People don’t understand why I’m pretty adamant on driving my own vehicle or them ride with me instead of riding with them if we are going to the same place so 🤷🏼‍♂️


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bobert said:


> I understand how you're feeling (my wife is the exact same way) but honestly, I think you just need to suck it up if it's only 2-3 times a year for a few days.


Sure, but you extros also have to suck up our intro-moodiness  cause we are going to be on low battery for those few days lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

red oak said:


> As to your issue: I’m with you in guests sleeping elsewhere cause if we visit I never liked sleeping at someone else’s house.


It's not the same, because when you live with an extro, it's the extro's place too and they want to have their stayovers  in YOUR personal turf!

Hell I even went away as it's not the only place I can sleep but then ex gave them my doona to sleep with  &@*&(@ damn I'm still mad about it to this day WTF lol


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> IMO family stays at your home. I understand you come from a family where that doesn't happen but it's the norm for most every body else. I get that you need time / space / sanctuary to recharge but you should be able to suck it up for 3-4 days 3-4x per year. He's not demanding house guests every week & these aren't strangers. They are family. Since you know in advance when people will be coming build some solitary time into the visits & maybe take the day off after they leave to recharge your batteries.


This is pretty much the only answer.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Sure, but you extros also have to suck up our intro-moodiness  cause we are going to be on low battery for those few days lol


Who said I'm an extrovert? I'm not, I just have a higher or different tolerance than my wife does.

And yes, I shut my mouth and deal with my wife's moodiness (which starts a few days before the arrival date) and I do my best to get her to relax.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

In the end this whole topic misses the mark as far as I’m concerned.

I do fall on the side of OP because I can relate…but that’s not even the issue here.

Keep and maintain a healthy relationship with hubby
Keep and maintain healthy relationships with the relatives.

Those are the priorities.
OP is trying to do the first through negotiation with H.
The second is TBD.

Once that’s settled…who cares where the relatives stay? It’s immaterial. And I don’t care what the societal norm is…I do care about what makes my relationship work.

My 2 cents.
I think OP is taking the exact right steps to resolve this.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well OP fear not. Not every family does sleep at the house. When family visits us there are hotels involved. When we visit family it's 50/50 if hotels are involved.
> 
> Unless you are broke I dont' see why anyone would complain about going to a hotel to sleep unless it is 30 minutes from your house to the hotel.
> 
> ...


I believe he thinks the way my introversion and the way I’ve grown up is not of the norm and it’s something he can change. Back when I used to give into to allowing houseguests whenever he wanted, he used to try to convince me that it wouldn’t be bad and that I would probably like it after I got used to it. There were even times when we were visiting others and I wanted to get a hotel to sleep in but his friends invited us to stay with them so he dismissed my feelings, telling me “it will be fine, you’ll probably enjoy it” so we ended up staying. Then at the end of the visit, he’d say “see that wasn’t as bad as you thought I’d be”. And even though the people we were visiting were nice people, I still would have been much more comfortable sleeping in a hotel.

At our old house, we lived in town so there were hotels everywhere. There was one right across from our house even. It wasn’t the fanciest but it was a hotel. Where we live now, we are still within 10-15 mins of decent hotels. So I don’t think that’s the issue. As far as I know, guests have never complained about not getting to stay with us and I certainly have never told them they had to leave anytime they have stayed with us. He dad stayed with us for 2 weeks once and there was a hotel right across the road but I never once told them they needed to leave although I was definitely ready to have my house back to myself by that point.

Another time, my husbands brother and his girlfriend and her kid wanted to visit. They were coming this way to visit a friend and wanted to stop by our house for a few days on the way. At this time we lived in a 1200 sqft house with only one spare room. The girlfriend messaged me saying they couldn’t afford a hotel, asked if they could stay with us but said she’d understand if I said no bc we had just had our oldest son who was still a baby at the time and we didn’t have much room. I was hesitant about it but my husband of course said it would be fine so they ended up sleeping on an air mattress in the spare room and our baby slept in bed with us. I would have been much more comfortable paying for their hotel if they couldn’t afford one. That way they still could have visited and we could have had some space.

Maybe I shouldn’t have given in all those times to my husband because maybe it made him think that there was a chance he could change my introversion or something but the experience of having overnight guests is just as horrible for me now as it always was. In fact I think it’s even more stressful now that I’m working and we have kids. Im already on Zoloft which does help my anxiety in general but it hasn’t made much of a difference when it comes to having houseguests. I think he just simply enjoys having guests stay with us just as he enjoys staying with others when we visit them. Why he enjoys it, I have no idea bc for me it’s torturous. That’s why I don’t it’s fair for me to have to continue to “suck it up” as others have said, and be miserable for several days at a time just bc he simply enjoys houseguests staying over. I think it’s a perfectly fair solution to just say no overnight guests for either of us. We can hangout during the day all day long if that’s what people want to do, but at night we go to our own beds in our own space so we can have some at least an hour or so to ourselves before bed to unwind. And if it makes him happy for us to pay for their hotel im fine with that. If the situation were reversed and he didn’t feel comfortable having my family/friends staying with us, I would respect that and would ask them to get a hotel, I wouldn’t try to force it on him. I don’t think just because someone is family that means we aren’t allowed to set any boundaries with them.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> We're with you, OP. Overnight guests for a few days at most, a few times a year is okay. If they want to stay longer, they need to book a hotel nearby. There are one or two exceptions where we are extremely compatible and a longer visit isn't a burden. Despite being retired, we're busy, and we are both introverts and like our privacy and alone time. In your situation with work, kids, and pregnancy, the last thing you need is more to do and becoming more fatigued. I suggest that if it becomes too much to bear, YOU stay at a hotel and let your husband deal with the kids and guests for a few days - work and pregnancy are enough to handle, but you can visit for a couple of hours after dinner, perhaps. I'd also make sure that guests do not bring pets other than certified service animals.


I think the thing about me staying at a hotel is reasonable as well. If he’s so dead set on having people stay with us, we can both get what we want if I stayed at a hotel and he gets to host houseguests. He would also be caring for the kids and maintaining the household as well as dealing with guests, so it would probably be pretty tiresome for him but if thats what he wants, I’d be willing to try it. I do think it would be weird if his family knew I was staying at a hotel bc of them but I could make up an excuse. I wouldn’t have to say I was going to a hotel. I plan on bringing up these options to him and seeing which one he would prefer, either Option 1 or option 2 that I posted. I’d personally be fine with either one. The thing about pets is another issue. His dad and brother have several large dogs and anytime they come over, they just let them loose and let them run free all over our yard. A few weeks ago my Husbands brother showed up unannounced at 8pm when I’d just gotten home from working almost a 12 hour shift and we were getting ready to put the kids in bed. My husband ended up letting him come inside and as soon as the door opens, he lets his dog bust through the house and start galloping around. I had told my husband before I didn’t want their dogs in the house bc I didn’t want to have to worry about them messing with things or maybe accidentally biting one one of the kids so luckily my husband told him that he didn’t think the dog was “allowed” inside (referring to me). Some people in his family just don’t seem to have much common courtesy or respect for other peoples homes, so that’s another issue.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would say that you are both trying to work around an issue, which is your inability to be around others. There is probably some sort of social anxiety or general anxiety underlying this.

Families are the people you count on when the tough things in life happen. I'm sure your requesting that they not stay around is not viewed well among his family.

Personally, I would be very annoyed by this. If an individual family member does something that deserves to not be invited over, that would make sense, but a general no guest policy....not so much....

...you are just creating rules to work around your problem instead of focusing on the problem and you are making your husband likely damage his relationships with family members to go along with your policies...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

re16 said:


> I would say that you are both trying to work around an issue, which is your inability to be around others. There is probably some sort of social anxiety or general anxiety underlying this.
> 
> Families are the people you count on when the tough things in life happen. I'm sure your requesting that they not stay around is not viewed well among his family.


It's not an inability to be around others, it's like someone else robbing you of your charger at home and you're the phone!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

bobert said:


> Who said I'm an extrovert? I'm not, I just have a higher or different tolerance than my wife does.
> 
> And yes, I shut my mouth and deal with my wife's moodiness (which starts a few days before the arrival date) and I do my best to get her to relax.


Smart 😅


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> It's not an inability to be around others, it's like someone else robbing you of your charger at home and you're the phone!


If she needs to be alone, maybe she should go to the hotel.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> I believe he thinks the way my introversion and the way I’ve grown up is not of the norm and it’s something he can change. Back when I used to give into to allowing houseguests whenever he wanted, he used to try to convince me that it wouldn’t be bad and that I would probably like it after I got used to it. There were even times when we were visiting others and I wanted to get a hotel to sleep in but his friends invited us to stay with them so he dismissed my feelings, telling me “it will be fine, you’ll probably enjoy it” so we ended up staying. Then at the end of the visit, he’d say “see that wasn’t as bad as you thought I’d be”. And even though the people we were visiting were nice people, I still would have been much more comfortable sleeping in a hotel.


Oh no no no, that won't do, he needs to understand that this is part of your core, part of your personality. He needs to learn how to work with it, not try to change it.



> At our old house, we lived in town so there were hotels everywhere. There was one right across from our house even. It wasn’t the fanciest but it was a hotel. Where we live now, we are still within 10-15 mins of decent hotels. So I don’t think that’s the issue. As far as I know, guests have never complained about not getting to stay with us and I certainly have never told them they had to leave anytime they have stayed with us. He dad stayed with us for 2 weeks once and there was a hotel right across the road but I never once told them they needed to leave although I was definitely ready to have my house back to myself by that point.
> 
> Another time, my husbands brother and his girlfriend and her kid wanted to visit. They were coming this way to visit a friend and wanted to stop by our house for a few days on the way. At this time we lived in a 1200 sqft house with only one spare room. The girlfriend messaged me saying they couldn’t afford a hotel, asked if they could stay with us but said she’d understand if I said no bc we had just had our oldest son who was still a baby at the time and we didn’t have much room. I was hesitant about it but my husband of course said it would be fine so they ended up sleeping on an air mattress in the spare room and our baby slept in bed with us. I would have been much more comfortable paying for their hotel if they couldn’t afford one. That way they still could have visited and we could have had some space.


OMG!



> Maybe I shouldn’t have given in all those times to my husband because maybe it made him think that there was a chance he could change my introversion or something but the experience of having overnight guests is just as horrible for me now as it always was. In fact I think it’s even more stressful now that I’m working and we have kids. Im already on Zoloft which does help my anxiety in general but it hasn’t made much of a difference when it comes to having houseguests. I think he just simply enjoys having guests stay with us just as he enjoys staying with others when we visit them. Why he enjoys it, I have no idea bc for me it’s torturous. That’s why I don’t it’s fair for me to have to continue to “suck it up” as others have said, and be miserable for several days at a time just bc he simply enjoys houseguests staying over. I think it’s a perfectly fair solution to just say no overnight guests for either of us. We can hangout during the day all day long if that’s what people want to do, but at night we go to our own beds in our own space so we can have some at least an hour or so to ourselves before bed to unwind. And if it makes him happy for us to pay for their hotel im fine with that. If the situation were reversed and he didn’t feel comfortable having my family/friends staying with us, I would respect that and would ask them to get a hotel, I wouldn’t try to force it on him. I don’t think just because someone is family that means we aren’t allowed to set any boundaries with them.


I agree, but extroverts have their own crazy mindset!



september_sky said:


> I think the thing about me staying at a hotel is reasonable as well. If he’s so dead set on having people stay with us, we can both get what we want if I stayed at a hotel and he gets to host houseguests. He would also be caring for the kids and maintaining the household as well as dealing with guests, so it would probably be pretty tiresome for him but if thats what he wants, I’d be willing to try it. I do think it would be weird if his family knew I was staying at a hotel bc of them but I could make up an excuse. I wouldn’t have to say I was going to a hotel. I plan on bringing up these options to him and seeing which one he would prefer, either Option 1 or option 2 that I posted. I’d personally be fine with either one. The thing about pets is another issue. His dad and brother have several large dogs and anytime they come over, they just let them loose and let them run free all over our yard. A few weeks ago my Husbands brother showed up unannounced at 8pm when I’d just gotten home from working almost a 12 hour shift and we were getting ready to put the kids in bed. My husband ended up letting him come inside and as soon as the door opens, he lets his dog bust through the house and start galloping around. I had told my husband before I didn’t want their dogs in the house bc I didn’t want to have to worry about them messing with things or maybe accidentally biting one one of the kids so luckily my husband told him that he didn’t think the dog was “allowed” inside (referring to me). Some people in his family just don’t seem to have much common courtesy or respect for other peoples homes, so that’s another issue.


Yeah you're gonna need to have a sit down with him. I don't think I can tolerate all this, especially how he just says yup spontaneously and you come home and WTF?!


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Al I see is: I, Me, Mine. Me, Me, Me.


weird… because there have many times over the years when I obliged my husband when it comes to this issue. I’ve also stayed at his friends/family’s houses when I was more comfortable at a hotel but he didn’t want to do that so I did what made him happy and stayed. It wasn’t until the last few years when things started getting crazier in our lives with kids and work that I’ve really put my foot down.

I could say the same thing about him. He knows I’m highly uncomfortable with people staying at our house but it’s something he enjoys so instead of thinking about me, he has always tried to invalidate my feelings so he can get what he wants. I’m willing to pay for the guest’s hotel which is more than some people would do. I would never try to force him into being a guest in someone’s home or have someone stay at our home that he didn’t want there. Even if I was an extrovert and enjoyed that type of thing.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> It's not the same, because when you live with an extro, it's the extro's place too and they want to have their stayovers  in YOUR personal turf!
> 
> Hell I even went away as it's not the only place I can sleep but then ex gave them my doona to sleep with  &@*&(@ damn I'm still mad about it to this day WTF lol


What’s a doona?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

september_sky said:


> He knows I’m highly uncomfortable with people staying at our house but it’s something he enjoys so instead of thinking about me, he has always tried to invalidate my feelings so he can get what he wants.


He could write that same sentence:

She knows I'm highly comfortable with people staying at our house but it's not something she enjoys so instead of thinking about me, she has always tried to invalidate my feelings so she can get what she wants.

I will admit, this thread is triggering for me because my wife had untreated anxiety for 12 years post kids, and it lead to a lot of resentment, prior to her doing something about it. You can 'win' these battles by controlling 'normal' situations (having house guests) into what works for you (not having them)... but be forewarned, this will do damage over time, and his resentment will build.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

re16 said:


> I would say that you are both trying to work around an issue, which is your inability to be around others. There is probably some sort of social anxiety or general anxiety underlying this.
> 
> Families are the people you count on when the tough things in life happen. I'm sure your requesting that they not stay around is not viewed well among his family.
> 
> ...


I don’t think I have an inability to be around others. I lm around others at work all day and I’m fine with it. But at the end of the day, I look forward to going home where I can be alone and recharge. As someone else here stated, introverts are drained by social interaction whereas extroverts are fueled by interaction with others. I’ve tried explaining this to my husband. This is why I say I’m fine if his family wants to spend the day visiting with us but by the end of it, I’m going to be drained and I’m going to need my own space to recharge. When I don’t get that, and especially when it goes on for several days, it feels I never really get the chance to unwind which is very difficult to deal with. I would not be in the least offended if I went to visit someone and spent all day with them but then at the end of the day, they offered to pay for a hotel for me to sleep in. In fact that’s what I’d prefer.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

red oak said:


> What’s a doona?


My blankie!  
Even in my absence they disrespected my personal boundaries lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> I don’t think I have an inability to be around others. I lm around others at work all day and I’m fine with it. But at the end of the day, I look forward to going home where I can be alone and recharge. As someone else here stated, introverts are drained by social interaction whereas extroverts are fueled by interaction with others. I’ve tried explaining this to my husband. This is why I say I’m fine if his family wants to spend the day visiting with us but by the end of it, I’m going to be drained and I’m going to need my own space to recharge. When I don’t get that, and especially when it goes on for several days, it feels I never really get the chance to unwind which is very difficult to deal with. I would not be in the least offended if I went to visit someone and spent all day with them but then at the end of the day, they offered to pay for a hotel for me to sleep in. In fact that’s what I’d prefer.


100%!

Maybe you can try an intro/extro converter? Mine is alcohol. I get totally wasted and suddenly I can be the life of a party until I pass out completely.

* sigh * If only they understand what they put us through 😞


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Oh no no no, that won't do, he needs to understand that this is part of your core, part of your personality. He needs to learn how to work with it, not try to change it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


well the thing about his brother coming over unannounced, he claims he didn’t know his brother was coming over either. We were both sitting at the table finishing up dinner when we see his brothers dog go running by the window. I was like “uhh.. whose dog is that” and husband said “ it’s looks like *_*’s dog”. So he looks outside and there his brother is in the driveway.He went out there and talked to him for a bit and then next thing I know, there comes the dog busting in the house with my husband and his brother following behind. He stayed for like an hour so it was almost 9 when we got the kids in bed. I talked to him later and told him his family doesn’t need to just be popping in announced. He knows we have kids, and that they have bedtimes, and that I work and I’m pregnant. He knows we have a lot going on so I was irritated he didn’t have the courtesy to at least call first. My husband claims he mainly came over to see our kids and he wasn’t going to let him in at first bc it was their bedtime but his brother kept asking if he could see the kids so he eventually gave in. But he claims that his brother gets the picture that he needs to call/text next time.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

re16 said:


> He could write that same sentence:
> 
> She knows I'm highly comfortable with people staying at our house but it's not something she enjoys so instead of thinking about me, she has always tried to invalidate my feelings so she can get what she wants.
> 
> I will admit, this thread is triggering for me because my wife had untreated anxiety for 12 years post kids, and it lead to a lot of resentment, prior to her doing something about it. You can 'win' these battles by controlling 'normal' situations (having house guests) into what works for you (not having them)... but be forewarned, this will do damage over time, and his resentment will build.


I’m already on Zoloft, which helps with my general anxiety but you can’t change being introverted. Introverts are drained by social interaction thus why they need alone time to recharge. Extroverts get their energy from social interaction. He could have all the social interaction he wants during the day but have the guests stay in their own beds at night. Whereas if the guests stay with us the entire time, I never really get a chance to recharge, meaning I feel drained the entire time they’re here. I’m sorry but it’s not fair to your spouse to put them into situations that harm their mental health just because it’s something the other spouse enjoys.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> well the thing about his brother coming over unannounced, he claims he didn’t know his brother was coming over either. We were both sitting at the table finishing up dinner when we see his brothers dog go running by the window. I was like “uhh.. whose dog is that” and husband said “ it’s looks like *_*’s dog”. So he looks outside and there his brother is in the driveway.He went out there and talked to him for a bit and then next thing I know, there comes the dog busting in the house with my husband and his brother following behind. He stayed for like an hour so it was almost 9 when we got the kids in bed. I talked to him later and told him his family doesn’t need to just be popping in announced. He knows we have kids, and that they have bedtimes, and that I work and I’m pregnant. He knows we have a lot going on so I was irritated he didn’t have the courtesy to at least call first. My husband claims he mainly came over to see our kids and he wasn’t going to let him in at first bc it was their bedtime but his brother kept asking if he could see the kids so he eventually gave in. But he claims that his brother gets the picture that he needs to call/text next time.


Yeah those are bloody irritating, I'm the type that if they knock I pretend I'm not home. My partner was at least understanding with unannounced visitors (most of the time), she just tells them I'm having a nap and I get cranky so she goes out with them. That's one of the pluses of having an extroverted partner, they _can_ draw the crowds and attention away from you. When in family gatherings too I could just sit there and relax listening to everyone while she yabbered on and on.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

I guess the root of it is this. To those of you who think I should just continue to suck it up to make my husband happy, here’s my question to you. Why do you think that my husband getting exactly 100% what he wants (which would be having guests stay with us for the duration of their visits) because it’s something he enjoys, trumps my need to not feel uncomfortable and stressed out in my own home? Some of you are saying it’s only a few days, big deal get over it. But when you literally NEED some alone time at the end of the day for the sake of your mentor health, not getting that for 3-4 days at a time is extremely draining. I would never try to push my H into a scenario where he would be uncomfortable for days and days just for the sake of something that I enjoy doing. I am trying to compromise with him so he can both be happy. I just don’t understand the mindset that I should just put my needs on the back burner just so he can 100% have it his way. Imagine any other scenario where a spouse says “I can’t handle doing this anymore. It’s too stressful and too uncomfortable for me” and the other spouse replies by invalidating their feelings and pushing them into doing it anyway. Is there any other scenario that would be ok? But because “it’s family” that means we aren’t allowed to set any boundaries?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

september_sky said:


> I’m already on Zoloft, which helps with my general anxiety but you can’t change being introverted. Introverts are drained by social interaction thus why they need alone time to recharge. Extroverts get their energy from social interaction. He could have all the social interaction he wants during the day but have the guests stay in their own beds at night. Whereas if the guests stay with us the entire time, I never really get a chance to recharge, meaning I feel drained the entire time they’re here. I’m sorry but it’s not fair to your spouse to put them into situations that harm their mental health just because it’s something the other spouse enjoys.


Essentially we are at:

Family staying over = One spouse trying to harm the other spouse's mental health.

For all the days you don't have someone over, you are getting what you want.... which is like 360 of 365 days.... so like 99% of the time.... yet you think he gets what he wants 100% of the time.... yet you want it to be 365/365.

I think you are only looking at this from your perspective.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

september_sky said:


> I guess the root of it is this. To those of you who think I should just continue to suck it up to make my husband happy, here’s my question to you. Why do you think that my husband getting exactly 100% what he wants (which would be having guests stay with us for the duration of their visits) because it’s something he enjoys, trumps my need to not feel uncomfortable and stressed out in my own home? Some of you are saying it’s only a few days, big deal get over it. But when you literally NEED some alone time at the end of the day for the sake of your mentor health, not getting that for 3-4 days at a time is extremely draining. I would never try to push my H into a scenario where he would be uncomfortable for days and days just for the sake of something that I enjoy doing. I am trying to compromise with him so he can both be happy. I just don’t understand the mindset that I should just put my needs on the back burner just so he can 100% have it his way. Imagine any other scenario where a spouse says “I can’t handle doing this anymore. It’s too stressful and too uncomfortable for me” and the other spouse replies by invalidating their feelings and pushing them into doing it anyway. Is there any other scenario that would be ok? But because “it’s family” that means we aren’t allowed to set any boundaries?


I actually think you were on the right track with your option 2. Talk to him about limits. Max number of people, max number of days and minimum time between stays that you can tolerate. You going to a hotel and lying about why is not a good option IMO.

As I said though, the numbers you gave said you are without guest 98% of the time, so he gets his way 100% of 2%.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

september_sky said:


> I guess the root of it is this. To those of you who think I should just continue to suck it up to make my husband happy, here’s my question to you. Why do you think that my husband getting exactly 100% what he wants (which would be having guests stay with us for the duration of their visits) because it’s something he enjoys, trumps my need to not feel uncomfortable and stressed out in my own home? Some of you are saying it’s only a few days, big deal get over it. But when you literally NEED some alone time at the end of the day for the sake of your mentor health, not getting that for 3-4 days at a time is extremely draining. I would never try to push my H into a scenario where he would be uncomfortable for days and days just for the sake of something that I enjoy doing. I am trying to compromise with him so he can both be happy. I just don’t understand the mindset that I should just put my needs on the back burner just so he can 100% have it his way. Imagine any other scenario where a spouse says “I can’t handle doing this anymore. It’s too stressful and too uncomfortable for me” and the other spouse replies by invalidating their feelings and pushing them into doing it anyway. Is there any other scenario that would be ok? But because “it’s family” that means we aren’t allowed to set any boundaries?


I don't think anyone is saying not to have boundaries. What people are pointing out is that there is no acceptable compromise for you. The only solution you will accept is NO overnight guests. No family visits. Sending his family to a hotel, which for some families is (I'm told) a bad thing.

Why can't the compromise be that you carve out time alone on those days? When you say "alone" are you completely alone or is it just your immediate family? Is there not a way for you to go for a walk or something at the end of the day so you can get some alone time? It just seems like you're not at all willing to compromise and the ONLY answer you'll be happy with is for him to give in entirely. I don't think suggesting possible compromises is the same as saying your feelings don't matter.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

re16 said:


> He could write that same sentence:
> 
> She knows I'm highly comfortable with people staying at our house but it's not something she enjoys so instead of thinking about me, she has always tried to invalidate my feelings so she can get what she wants.


Let's say your wife wants to peg you and is comfortable doing that, but you're not, so she invalidates your feelings to get what she wants. You're saying you'd just bend over and that's how it should be?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't think anyone is saying not to have boundaries. What people are pointing out is that there is no acceptable compromise for you. The only solution you will accept is NO overnight guests. No family visits. Sending his family to a hotel, which for some families is (I'm told) a bad thing.
> 
> Why can't the compromise be that you carve out time alone on those days? When you say "alone" are you completely alone or is it just your immediate family? Is there not a way for you to go for a walk or something at the end of the day so you can get some alone time? It just seems like you're not at all willing to compromise and the ONLY answer you'll be happy with is for him to give in entirely. I don't think suggesting possible compromises is the same as saying your feelings don't matter.


I feel this isn't fair characterization of the situation.

She has offered to compromise by paying for the guest hotel or by leaving herself.

That would allow the husband to have unlimited time with any visitor at their house.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I feel this isn't fair characterization of the situation.
> 
> She has offered to compromise by paying for the guest hotel or *by leaving herself*.
> 
> That would allow the husband to have unlimited time with any visitor at their house.


Oh I apologize, @september_sky, I missed that! Yes, if you've offered to leave and he said no, I don't understand his response. He's not accepting compromise, not you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

september_sky said:


> I think the thing about me staying at a hotel is reasonable as well. If he’s so dead set on having people stay with us, we can both get what we want if I stayed at a hotel and he gets to host houseguests. He would also be caring for the kids and maintaining the household as well as dealing with guests, so it would probably be pretty tiresome for him but if thats what he wants, I’d be willing to try it. I do think it would be weird if his family knew I was staying at a hotel bc of them but I could make up an excuse. I wouldn’t have to say I was going to a hotel. I plan on bringing up these options to him and seeing which one he would prefer, either Option 1 or option 2 that I posted. I’d personally be fine with either one. The thing about pets is another issue. His dad and brother have several large dogs and anytime they come over, they just let them loose and let them run free all over our yard. A few weeks ago my Husbands brother showed up unannounced at 8pm when I’d just gotten home from working almost a 12 hour shift and we were getting ready to put the kids in bed. My husband ended up letting him come inside and as soon as the door opens, he lets his dog bust through the house and start galloping around. I had told my husband before I didn’t want their dogs in the house bc I didn’t want to have to worry about them messing with things or maybe accidentally biting one one of the kids so luckily my husband told him that he didn’t think the dog was “allowed” inside (referring to me). Some people in his family just don’t seem to have much common courtesy or respect for other peoples homes, so that’s another issue.


I am an introvert but there us no way that I would ever disappear off to a hotel, especially if I had young children. I would see that as pretty rude with people staying in my house. 
Sometimes we just have to get on with things that aren't going to be easy for us because it's the right thing to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I feel this isn't fair characterization of the situation.
> 
> She has offered to compromise by paying for the guest hotel or by leaving herself.
> 
> That would allow the husband to have unlimited time with any visitor at their house.


Plus leave her children behind.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Let's say your wife wants to peg you and is comfortable doing that, but you're not, so she invalidates your feelings to get what she wants. You're saying you'd just bend over and that's how it should be?


Lol, but the difference is that would be an unusual request vs having family stay over a couple times....

I'm pretty sure most families have their families visit, not most people (at least from what I know) are asking to peg someone....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Plus leave her children behind.


She's leaving her children with their father. She's not "leaving them behind." I don't think that's a fair characterization unless you're of the school of thought that men "babysit" their own children. Maybe it's a church thing, but I don't see leaving your children with their father as abandoning them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She's leaving her children with their father. She's not "leaving them behind." I don't think that's a fair characterization unless you're of the school of thought that men "babysit" their own children. Maybe it's a church thing, but I don't see leaving your children with their father as abandoning them.


If I had three small children I could never go off to a hotel for a few days or a week every evening. No it's not a church thing, it's a mum thing.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

My opinion...if it's causing one spouse to be uncomfortable don't do it. It's not life or death so what's the big deal? Your partner is, from a Christian perspective, one with you. I will not make my hubby uncomfortable for the sake of making someone else comfortable. It's just that simple. Pay for their hotel, visit with them during the day, I don't see the big deal.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If I had three small children I could never go off to a hotel for a few days or a week every evening. No it's not a church thing, it's a mum thing.


She's talking about leaving after bedtime for a hotel and coming home in the morning. Calling her a bad mother for this is silly, especially if they are with their father.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> Let's say your wife wants to peg you and is comfortable doing that, but you're not, so she invalidates your feelings to get what she wants. You're saying you'd just bend over and that's how it should be?


 an extreme example, but holds some water.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

re16 said:


> Lol, but the difference is that would be an unusual request vs having family stay over a couple times....
> 
> I'm pretty sure most families have their families visit, not most people (at least from what I know) are asking to peg someone....


 True. The point is what's comfortable for someone vs. what is not. Some people consider family houseguests normal, and some do not, or simply aren't comfortable with the disruption they cause. OP already has so much going on that at least until well after the baby is born, she doesn't need more work, and I'll bet most of the work falls on her even when it's her husband's relatives visiting.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

september_sky said:


> ...there have many times over the years when I obliged my husband when it comes to this issue. I’ve also stayed at his friends/family’s houses when I was more comfortable at a hotel but he didn’t want to do that





september_sky said:


> I could say the same thing about him. He knows I’m highly uncomfortable with people staying at our house but it’s something he enjoys so instead of thinking about me, he has always tried to invalidate my feelings so he can get what he wants.





september_sky said:


> Why do you think that my husband getting exactly 100% what he wants (which would be having guests stay with us for the duration of their visits) because it’s something he enjoys, trumps my need to not feel uncomfortable and stressed out in my own home?


You two are incompatible on this issue. He's trying to change you. It's not working. You go along with him but are resentful. You want him to see your POV; in other words, change his stance on house guests. You're trying to change him. It's not working.

When you say your husband gets "exactly 100% what he wants," that indicates to me your are resentful over his stance. I think YOU need to answer your own question. I don't know you or your husband, except for what you're posting here.

Neither of you are going to change. Tell him you will not change. The thing is when both sides are not going to compromise, you end up with a butt-load of resentment.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rude by staying at a hotel? Nah just say you're staying back at work 

Just remember OP - if you do - keep your bedroom locked and all personal things in your sanctuary - NO ONE is to go in there (or borrow ANYTHING from there grrr), even if they are busting and the other toilets are occupied. BOUNDARIES 😑


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Plus leave her children behind.


Oh for the children.... Of course she could leave them behind. She also didn't say she would be gone the whole time. She could stop in and visit just at the end of the day or when her own anxiety got high she could leave. 

She does have 3 children, a job and is currently pregnant. That's a lot for anyone yet alone someone who natually suffers from anxiety.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

And how is all this stress good for her in her pregnant condition?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not going to change you. You’re not going to change him. That’s where compromise — if possible — comes in. Otherwise, one of you wins and one of you loses.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jimmysgirl said:


> My opinion...if it's causing one spouse to be uncomfortable don't do it. It's not life or death so what's the big deal? Your partner is, from a Christian perspective, one with you. I will not make my hubby uncomfortable for the sake of making someone else comfortable. It's just that simple. Pay for their hotel, visit with them during the day, I don't see the big deal.


Because... extroverts 

And sometimes they are unable to fathom what introverts need to actually recharge.
S P A C E

And if they are a smart ass about it...
"No genius it's not outer space, but I'm happy to launch you there!"


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP in your condition... If you had company, does your husband cook, or do the extra cleaning for company (the before they come and the after)? Does he get them drinks and make sure they are comfortable.

Also is she bringing the boyfriend you've never met?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> She does have 3 children, a job and is currently pregnant. That's a lot for anyone yet alone someone who natually suffers from anxiety.


She does sound like it's more than just being an introvert, it sounds like social anxiety. I'm an introvert, but I can handle 3-4 days of my husband's family and all their drama and passive aggressive nonsense. I don't have social anxiety, which is a different thing than being an introvert. That level of anxiety is bad for you and if you're pregnant it's even worse.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Oh for the children.... Of course she could leave them behind.


They're with their father! I hate this idea that men have no responsibility to children other than paying bills.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She does sound like it's more than just being an introvert, it sounds like social anxiety. I'm an introvert, but I can handle 3-4 days of my husband's family and all their drama and passive aggressive nonsense. I don't have social anxiety, which is a different thing than being an introvert. That level of anxiety is bad for you and if you're pregnant it's even worse.


I don't know, I'm completely introverted, yet I'm social everyday, constantly, in front of people. I can have all eyes on me and not even flinch. Is this social anxiety?

My home is simply my sanctuary and it is sacred to me. Rob me of that, and I will not be able to perform the dance the next day. From what I gather from OP she's the same way, she's social all day everyday as an introvert and needs to recharge.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I don't know, I'm completely introverted, yet I'm social everyday, constantly, in front of people. I can have all eyes on me and not even flinch. Is this social anxiety?
> 
> My home is simply my sanctuary and it is sacred to me. Rob me of that, and I will not be able to perform the dance the next day. From what I gather from OP she's the same way, she's social all day everyday as an introvert and needs to recharge.


I'm very similar, I really need alone time and working from home has been so great for me because it's me and my dog. Even though I'm on the phone and in and out of meetings pretty much all day, it's still way better than an office. 

She makes it sound like it's more than just needing to recharge. It sounds like the stress is really hard for her. I don't understand why the compromise of getting away for a few hours is so bad. It wouldn't even have to be every night, maybe every other night. Maybe not for the whole night, just a few hours away at night to recharge.

My home is my sanctuary too, it's so important that home be a safe place. I'm also different from the OP in that I have close friends that could be over here all the time and it wouldn't bother me at all. H's family or some of his college friends, yes, they exhaust me. My situation seems WAY less extreme though. Plus I'm not pregnant. You can't discount the amount of stress that puts on someone, and the rawness of your emotions when you're going through it, and I cannot imagine 3 children, much less 4, pulling at you all day. She probably never gets to even sit down all day long until they go to bed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Now imagine having your partner invite more people in the same day! 😑 

Wait...  * bling * Idea!

@september_sky 

Why not have them only come in (announced) on your days off! Or plan weekend excursions so the sanctuary remains untouched!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

september_sky said:


> I believe he thinks the way my introversion and the way I’ve grown up is not of the norm and it’s something he can change. Back when I used to give into to allowing houseguests whenever he wanted, he used to try to convince me that it wouldn’t be bad and that I would probably like it after I got used to it. There were even times when we were visiting others and I wanted to get a hotel to sleep in but his friends invited us to stay with them so he dismissed my feelings, telling me “it will be fine, you’ll probably enjoy it” so we ended up staying. Then at the end of the visit, he’d say “see that wasn’t as bad as you thought I’d be”. And even though the people we were visiting were nice people, I still would have been much more comfortable sleeping in a hotel.
> 
> At our old house, we lived in town so there were hotels everywhere. There was one right across from our house even. It wasn’t the fanciest but it was a hotel. Where we live now, we are still within 10-15 mins of decent hotels. So I don’t think that’s the issue. As far as I know, guests have never complained about not getting to stay with us and I certainly have never told them they had to leave anytime they have stayed with us. He dad stayed with us for 2 weeks once and there was a hotel right across the road but I never once told them they needed to leave although I was definitely ready to have my house back to myself by that point.
> 
> ...


It's your house too, so he should probably get his way one time and then you should get your way the next time.

Unless it's a close friend I don't like having house guests. I am totally the person who if this was being foisted upon me would go get myself a hotel room and then proceed to make errand excuses while I went over there and laid down and watched TV. One time there was a regional business meeting and the regional manager put me in a room with a woman I didn't know but had met once and told me she can be a bear if her blood sugar drops and recommended that I pick up a couple of Snickers. 

I went right out to the hotel lobby and got myself a different room and just pretended I was staying there and let her wonder why I was out all night to her heart's content. I imagine she was probably too relieved to care.

I agree with you about having strange men in the house. And unfortunately that makes it to where you either have to take the kids with you or stay there and guard them just to be safe.

You need to both compromise on this and that means he doesn't always get his way and you need to have a talk with him about thinking you're ever going to change. 

I have basically solved this problem. But I am not married and living with anyone else. I have a three bedroom house that only has one bed. I used to have a fold out sofa in the living room for if a friend wanted to come stay over but once those days were gone, so was the fold-out couch thanks to one of my dogs. So now there really is no place for them to stay although in an emergency I would find some way to accommodate them. I also don't have central heat and air so the extra bedrooms are not heated and cooled. Problem solved. 

When aunts or cousins have visited which hasn't happened for decades, they opted to get a hotel. And I can't stay at their homes because even though I love them to death, they are such finicky housekeepers that I couldn't possibly bring my dog with me so I haven't been up there since my mom died. 

It's your home and it's up to you and your husband to work it out but I can assure you there is no one way that it is supposed to be.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

I totally agree with being uncomfortable having overnight guests or staying at someone's house. It's definitely my problem, and is due to social anxiety. I also stay in the bedroom, and come out to help cook or for mealtimes. 
It's also because they all speak Spanish together -even the ones who are fluent in English- and I only know a little Spanish. It's the same situation at the many birthday parties for all my nieces and nephews. Again, my problem...should probably hire a Spanish tutor.
Over the years, I've gotten used to the fact that my husband's family (we live closer to them than mine) is very close-knit and I should just put up and shut up. As far as taking something for anxiety, I have found that L-Theanine is great, and also CBD Oil (although that makes me a little tired). 
Hope this helps!! 😊


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She's talking about leaving after bedtime for a hotel and coming home in the morning. Calling her a bad mother for this is silly, especially if they are with their father.


Never said she was a bad mother, but it seems just rude to me. She didn't actually say she went after their bedtime but that is a very busy time of day if you have 3 small children, and that's without helping each other to be helpful and polite to guests.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Goodness it seems that some people aren't prepared to just put themselves out for just a few days. To make an effort and not to think only of themselves.
I get it, I get VERY drained socializing and am by no means a natural host(to put it mildly) but sometimes we have to put ourselves out and make an effort for our spouse and family and friends.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Goodness it seems that some people aren't prepared to just put themselves out for just a few days. To make an effort and not to think only of themselves.
> I get it, I get VERY drained socializing and am by no means a natural host(to put it mildly) but sometimes we have to put ourselves out and make an effort for our spouse and family and friends.


I think it’s just different beliefs. Many people view marriage as a partnership where both people matter. I do things like this for my husband but he does things for me (not just paying bills, I have a job too). We both matter in the marriage, so it’s a different mindset.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

september_sky said:


> Why do you think that my husband getting exactly 100% what he wants (which would be having guests stay with us for the duration of their visits) because it’s something he enjoys, trumps my need to not feel uncomfortable and stressed out in my own home?


If you are setting a frequency and duration limit on guests, then he's not getting 100% of what he wants.

Why should your needs (of being alone) trump his (of being together)? Extroverts need people like introverts need space.

You need to find a compromise, but the friend excuse would not hold up.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I make them stay at a hotel unless they’re young and starting out, in which case they can use our spare room. Otherwise we put them up in a 4 star or better within a couple miles.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> They're with their father! I hate this idea that men have no responsibility to children other than paying bills.


I just don't see running off to a hotel leaving your husband to look after 3 small children plus guests as in anyway supportive. 
Sometimes when we have family to stay I definitely FEEL like going off in my own and having some quiet space but I just think I should get on with it as millions of others do. 
We are in our mid 60's, we get tired, but it's surely bearable for a few days? To see family who we don't see often?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> I make them stay at a hotel unless they’re young and starting out, in which case they can use our spare room. Otherwise we put them up in a 4 star or better within a couple miles.


That's lovely if you have the money. Not everyone does.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Goodness it seems that some people aren't prepared to just put themselves out for just a few days. To make an effort and not to think only of themselves.
> I get it, I get VERY drained socializing and am by no means a natural host(to put it mildly) but sometimes we have to put ourselves out and make an effort for our spouse and family and friends.


Having the relatives stay at your house is going to become almost a thing of the past as more and more people are working at home. I can't entertain guests and be interrupted by them while I'm working. I can't have noise around while I'm working either. I am not off holidays when those people would likely be traveling and visiting. My dog is afraid of other people and I would not be okay with locking her up either. 

That's the good thing about being on my own. I can arrange things any way I want and not have to haggle with anyone about it. 

That old BF I just had lunch with was pretty insistent about coming by to pick me up but I did not want him in my house, one, because I didn't want to make time to clean house, and two, because I didn't want there to be any ambiguity. I insisted on taking my own car to meet him for lunch which only made sense anyway since the place was in between us and we don't live close together. 

My fear for the original poster is that one of these days her husband is going to move someone in whether she wants that or not and likely cause a split in the marriage if she doesn't deal with this now and get some clear rules about compromising on both sides not just having it imposed on her. She gets a vote too.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> That's lovely if you have the money. Not everyone does.


Too bad for them, I do.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My fear for the original poster is that one of these days her husband is going to move someone in whether she wants that or not and likely cause a split in the marriage if she doesn't deal with this now and get some clear rules about compromising on both sides not just having it imposed on her. She gets a vote too.


Oh hell no!
That means WAR!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> That's lovely if you have the money. Not everyone does.


Then they can pay for their own lodgings 😑


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't see running off to a hotel leaving your husband to look after 3 small children plus guests as in anyway supportive.
> Sometimes when we have family to stay I definitely FEEL like going off in my own and having some quiet space but I just think I should get on with it as millions of others do.
> We are in our mid 60's, we get tired, but it's surely bearable for a few days? To see family who we don't see often?


It’s just different values. I think fathers should be parents. Your value system says that the husband should be able to enjoy his guests while his wife cares for 3 small children while pregnant and waits on him and his guests, because he matters and she doesn’t. 

Maybe she could take the children to the hotel with her and hire a waitress for him while his guests are there. That would make everyone happy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Goodness it seems that some people aren't prepared to just put themselves out for just a few days. To make an effort and not to think only of themselves.
> I get it, I get VERY drained socializing and am by no means a natural host(to put it mildly) but sometimes we have to put ourselves out and make an effort for our spouse and family and friends.


OP makes the effort everyday in her daily life and has been accommodating to her husbands family for a long time. Hell she's the one also willing to compromise with twice a year stayovers for 3 to 4 days. How is that not accommodating?

I don't even understand the insistence of stay overs, must be an extrovert thing, visit sure, spend all day all night but sleep somewhere else, please, if not I can be accommodating and sleep somewhere else but keep your hands off my stuff lol. But that's just me. 😔


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The more "civilized" and economically strong a culture is the more, rigid and self centered their people are. 

I love it when I have to travel to so called "third World" countries where people that I just met greet me warmly and invite me into their home, and treat me like I'm one of their own. Sometimes, even if they have to spend money that they don't really have for a nice warm meal.

I can imagine me having to go to OP's home. I probably would feel as welcome as walking inside a correctional facility.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Favored family can stay at our home and borrow a Porsche to drive. Everyone else, like if there are too many people or I think there is a chance they won’t leave; they get put in a 4 star or better hotel ideally one where I like the restaurant.

Visiting my own family we stay at a hotel. Don’t want to impose on them and I’d also rather have high quality service.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Then they can pay for their own lodgings 😑


Sometimes friends and relatives show up looking for a free place to stay not because they've come to visit you but because they are on their way somewhere or otherwise looking for a cheap vacation, which is fine if everyone is on board. If it was someone who really needed a place to stay and I was sympathetic to their cause, I would probably help them with a motel room. I'd rather have friends than relatives but that's just me and I certainly did used to let my mom come and stay even though we never got along all that great but we tended to get along better on my turf than hers so it was usually okay.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I mean look if kids are dead broke and I know they will leave they have the run of our house. Especially now we have MyPillow dot com in the guest bedroom and if they know Mike from the commercials they’re probably high value people who will not mess up our house and will maintain a low profile.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Goodness it seems that some people aren't prepared to just put themselves out for just a few days. To make an effort and not to think only of themselves.
> I get it, I get VERY drained socializing and am by no means a natural host(to put it mildly) but sometimes we have to put ourselves out and make an effort for our spouse and family and friends.


Goodness it's like you've never been around someone who has true social anxiety and is introverted. This is a Need for alone time. You are all for women having sex when they aren't exactly horny because men have needs. But when this mother of 3 whose PREGNANT and willing to leave her own home so her husband can have company because alone time is aa NEED then it doesn't count?

Why not?

She never said she wouldn't be put out. I'm sure she'll still pre-clean, shop, help cook and oh yeah there is leaving your home (which is a huge put out) but if she doesn't stay and do exactly what the husband wants then it is that she is only thinking of herself?

Really?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't see running off to a hotel leaving your husband to look after 3 small children plus guests as in anyway supportive.
> Sometimes when we have family to stay I definitely FEEL like going off in my own and having some quiet space but I just think I should get on with it as millions of others do.
> We are in our mid 60's, we get tired, but it's surely bearable for a few days? To see family who we don't see often?


He's not being at all supportive to her. He's just causing her more work and anxiety. They need to get an agreement on how many days a year he can have a house guest and who does the food gathering and getting the home ready.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She's leaving her children with their father. She's not "leaving them behind." I don't think that's a fair characterization unless you're of the school of thought that men "babysit" their own children. Maybe it's a church thing, but I don't see leaving your children with their father as abandoning them.


Thank you. After I finished college last year, I started working full time and my husband now stays at home to care for the kids, so we have switched roles and he’s been doing a great job with our kids. If I didn’t think he was more than capable of taking care of them I wouldn’t “leave them” with him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

september_sky said:


> Thank you. After I finished college last year, I started working full time and my husband now stays at home to care for the kids, so we have switched roles and he’s been doing a great job with our kids. If I didn’t think he was more than capable of taking care of them I wouldn’t “leave them” with him.


Which means if you helped with bedtime and then left to get some quiet time, he'd be more than capable of caring for them should they wake up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She does sound like it's more than just being an introvert, it sounds like social anxiety. I'm an introvert, but I can handle 3-4 days of my husband's family and all their drama and passive aggressive nonsense. I don't have social anxiety, which is a different thing than being an introvert. That level of anxiety is bad for you and if you're pregnant it's even worse.


I don't have social anxiety. When I I'm home alone with my dog I am a contented happy camper. When I go out to a restaurant or anywhere, I do not feel self-conscious and I will talk to anybody in the vicinity, whether they want me to or not. So I think I fall kind of squarely on the scale between extrovert and introvert, but it has always exhausted me having house guests. With friends that are really close, I have had them for a few days and done just fine. One of them brought friends with him and they went out to the gay bars so they weren't around all the time and I could have my space and get back to my routine and get caught up. 

When I had a girlfriend here which was really my last house guest 10 years ago, I had everything planned and took off a certain amount of time and got us both out of my house by taking us both to a resort an hour and a half from here for a night. I did not feel cramped around her. But we stayed busy except when I had to work and then she read or watched TV or checked the backyard for the bra my dog kept stealing out of her suitcase. 

It depends on the person and the people visiting. You can love them but not want to live with them. I love a certain aunt and uncle and cousin family, but they are so fastidious it put great pressure on whether you're visiting them or they're visiting you and I never did spend the night at their house. I mean I couldn't have slept them in my apartment. If my dog had jumped up on my aunt's dress she would have been nice about it but then she would have spent the next two hours picking off hairs. Sometimes it's just not practical.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I like my other people in small doses and I can get that fine with putting people in expensive hotels (for free).


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If I had three small children I could never go off to a hotel for a few days or a week every evening. No it's not a church thing, it's a mum thing.


Believe it or not, I’m actually a better mom to my kids when I’m not overwhelmed and stressed out. If I need alone time to in order to get that, that doesn’t make me a bad mom. And if I ever thought that my husband wasn’t fully capable of caring for them for a few days, I wouldn’t go. I’m more concerned with him wanting to invite his sister’s boyfriends to stay over that we’ve never even met before, knowing we have small children in the house.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Jimmysgirl said:


> My opinion...if it's causing one spouse to be uncomfortable don't do it. It's not life or death so what's the big deal? Your partner is, from a Christian perspective, one with you. I will not make my hubby uncomfortable for the sake of making someone else comfortable. It's just that simple. Pay for their hotel, visit with them during the day, I don't see the big deal.


This is my perspective as well. I would never keep repeatedly asking my husband to put himself in a situation that I know causes him discomfort and stress in our home just because I am comfortable with that particular thing. That’s why I have a hard time wrapping my head around why he continues to do it to me. I’m my mind, as you’ve said, a husband and wife are one and their homes is theirs. If one or either of them expresses that something causes them discomfort, I think the spouses top priority should be the other spouse. I would put his comfort over my family’s comfort in a heartbeat. When we first got together I moved 400 miles away from my parents so I could be with him and it just about killed them, but I didnt want for my husband to have to quit his job that he’d had for 7 years to move to my hometown to be with me. So I was willing to take all the backlash from my family to be with him, plus to be honest I was enjoying having some space from my family anyway. And honestly, I don’t see how offering to pay for his family to get a hotel to sleep in at night is even causing his family any discomfort. They get a nice clean room with a clean bed to sleep in for free, and everyone gets a little bit of space at the end of the day to wind down. As a bonus, I get to have my alone time which means I’ll be able to recharge and not feel like I’m going insane. I just can’t understand why he won’t say “ok I understand this makes you uncomfortable so I won’t ask if we can have overnight guests again.” And put my needs first like I put his first. Instead, he continues to ask if we can have people stay here, like he thinks I’m going to change my mind if he asks enough. Some people here are saying it’s not the end of the world to suck it up and be uncomfortable for a few days but I say it’s not the end of the world to get to visit with family all day and then by night, to go to a FREE, nice hotel room to get some sleep. Who wants to spend every waking moment with someone??? Obviously my husband does But I don’t.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Rude by staying at a hotel? Nah just say you're staying back at work
> 
> Just remember OP - if you do - keep your bedroom locked and all personal things in your sanctuary - NO ONE is to go in there (or borrow ANYTHING from there grrr), even if they are busting and the other toilets are occupied. BOUNDARIES 😑


Yea, that’s actually not a bad idea. I could say I’m working extra shifts at work or something. When his sister came to visit this last time she ended up getting a hotel but he acted like he was annoyed with me that he couldn’t invite her to come stay with us, because he says she probably would have rather stayed with us than stayed at a hotel. I was working night shift that weekend and he claimed “oh who cares you’re not even going to be here, you’ll be at work”. And he was acting like he would have let her and her stepson sleep in our bed and he and the kids would sleep in their room. I have personal items in our bedroom and I would not feel comfortable letting people sleep in there. My bedroom as you said, is probably the one part of the house that is most sacred to me bc it’s where I go when I need peace. How would that even have worked anyway? I’d get home at 8am after working all night, his sister and her stepson would probably just be getting out of bed, and then I’m supposed to just hop in my bed right after they’ve gotten up? On the same sheets and everything? Or I guess the other alternative would be washing and changing the sheets every morning when I get home.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> This is my perspective as well. I would never keep repeatedly asking my husband to put himself in a situation that I know causes him discomfort and stress in our home just because I am comfortable with that particular thing. That’s why I have a hard time wrapping my head around why he continues to do it to me. I’m my mind, as you’ve said, a husband and wife are one and their homes is theirs. If one or either of them expresses that something causes them discomfort, I think the spouses top priority should be the other spouse. I would put his comfort over my family’s comfort in a heartbeat. When we first got together I moved 400 miles away from my parents so I could be with him and it just about killed them, but I didnt want for my husband to have to quit his job that he’d had for 7 years to move to my hometown to be with me. So I was willing to take all the backlash from my family to be with him, plus to be honest I was enjoying having some space from my family anyway. And honestly, I don’t see how offering to pay for his family to get a hotel to sleep in at night is even causing his family any discomfort. They get a nice clean room with a clean bed to sleep in for free, and everyone gets a little bit of space at the end of the day to wind down. As a bonus, I get to have my alone time which means I’ll be able to recharge and not feel like I’m going insane. I just can’t understand why he won’t say “ok I understand this makes you uncomfortable so I won’t ask if we can have overnight guests again.” And put my needs first like I put his first. Instead, he continues to ask if we can have people stay here, like he thinks I’m going to change my mind if he asks enough. Some people here are saying it’s not the end of the world to suck it up and be uncomfortable for a few days but I say it’s not the end of the world to get to visit with family all day and then by night, to go to a FREE, nice hotel room to get some sleep. Who wants to spend every waking moment with someone??? Obviously my husband does But I don’t.


Because he wants to change you in this and that's not ok.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> Yea, that’s actually not a bad idea. I could say I’m working extra shifts at work or something. When his sister came to visit this last time she ended up getting a hotel but he acted like he was annoyed with me that he couldn’t invite her to come stay with us, because he says she probably would have rather stayed with us than stayed at a hotel. I was working night shift that weekend and he claimed “oh who cares you’re not even going to be here, you’ll be at work”. *And he was acting like he would have let her and her stepson sleep in our bed and he and the kids would sleep in their room. I have personal items in our bedroom and I would not feel comfortable letting people sleep in there. My bedroom as you said, is probably the one part of the house that is most sacred to me bc it’s where I go when I need peace. How would that even have worked anyway? I’d get home at 8am after working all night, his sister and her stepson would probably just be getting out of bed, and then I’m supposed to just hop in my bed right after they’ve gotten up? On the same sheets and everything?* Or I guess the other alternative would be washing and changing the sheets every morning when I get home.


WHAT THE F!!!! 

Hell when my ex gave my doona away for her family despite having other blankets available I was going to chuck it there and then but she was so apologetic I just decided to wash everything (moodily) and keep it lol

Nah, I think it's time to put your foot down, from the pattern you are describing your husband isn't being accommodating or interested in compromise, he wants to change you. You need to let him know it's never going to happen.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP in your condition... If you had company, does your husband cook, or do the extra cleaning for company (the before they come and the after)? Does he get them drinks and make sure they are comfortable.
> 
> Also is she bringing the boyfriend you've never met?


I’m guessing he would probably do the cooking. Idk about cleaning. Now that I work and he stays home with the kids, I have to get onto him just about everyday for the house being a wreck. I end up
spending usually at least one day a week on one of my days off from work, trying to catch up on getting the house clean. He claims he can’t clean up messes from the kids all day but that’s what I did when I stayed home with them. And if nothing else, I’d wait til they were asleep and then pick up. But it doesn’t bother him to go to bed with a messy house. Says there’s no point in cleaning up when theyre asleep bc theyll just make a mess again tomorrow.

His sister has never visited us without bringing a bf with her up until this last visit. I was expecting her to bring her new bf like she usually does but whatever reason, he didn’t come along. But when she was going to visit originally a few weeks ago, we assumed she would bring him along and my husband was still fine with having them stay with us, despite the fact we’ve never even met the guy. There was another time years ago when H’s stepsister invited herself over to our house but she ended up not coming for some reason. She was planning to bring her bf with her and she is has a history of getting with crazy and sometimes abusive guys. I think this was before we had kids but I was still concerned to be sharing my house with some stranger basically. My husband pretty much blew off my concerns, acting like it was no big deal. Which sent the message to me that he’s even willing to put a stranger’s comfort before my own.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I can only speak for myself. I have no problem family staying with me. Yes it can get loud and inconvenient at times but it only happens a few times a year.

As for OP. If she's uncomfortable with it she's uncomfortable with it. However if we're talking about parents or grandparents how can you not have them stay with you because you don't see them all the time and you shouldn't take for granted how many more times you'll actually get to spend precious time with them. Mine have all passed away.

As for everyone else (the rest of the family and friends) if OP is uncomfortable with it, her husband should respect where she's coming from. I will say there's no way I'm paying for their hotel. If that's the case they can stay at her house and she can get the hotel for herself so she has a place she can retreat to chill out.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> I’m guessing he would probably do the cooking. Idk about cleaning. Now that I work and he stays home with the kids, I have to get onto him just about everyday for the house being a wreck. I end up
> spending usually at least one day a week on one of my days off from work, trying to catch up on getting the house clean. He claims he can’t clean up messes from the kids all day but that’s what I did when I stayed home with them. And if nothing else, I’d wait til they were asleep and then pick up. But it doesn’t bother him to go to bed with a messy house. Says there’s no point in cleaning up when theyre asleep bc theyll just make a mess again tomorrow.
> 
> His sister has never visited us without bringing a bf with her up until this last visit. I was expecting her to bring her new bf like she usually does but whatever reason, he didn’t come along. But when she was going to visit originally a few weeks ago, we assumed she would bring him along and my husband was still fine with having them stay with us, despite the fact we’ve never even met the guy. There was another time years ago when H’s stepsister invited herself over to our house but she ended up not coming for some reason. She was planning to bring her bf with her and she is has a history of getting with crazy and sometimes abusive guys. I think this was before we had kids but I was still concerned to be sharing my house with some stranger basically. My husband pretty much blew off my concerns, acting like it was no big deal. Which sent the message to me that he’s even willing to put a stranger’s comfort before my own.


I think you've tolerated enough at this point 😑 

I would not be even be comfortable sleeping elsewhere if a stranger was in my house WTF, hell I would have a big fight over it, make it public and embarrassing if I have to until they leave, and if they dare to butt in with their opinion in MY house, that classes as home invasion for me and from then on it's trespassing!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Too bad for them, I do.


Yes I know. Remember there are many who are struggling.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Oh hell no!
> That means WAR!


It’s funny you mention that because that’s actually something I worry about. Our relationship kind of started off that way. When I moved from my hometown 400+ miles away to be with him, he had his dad living with him in his house. His dad had gotten divorced and supposedly was paying too much in child support to support himself. He was basically living off his credit cards, wracking up more debt because he didn’t have any money from what I heard. So my husband offered to let him live with him rent free. His dad had been staying there for a couple years when I moved in. Initially, before I moved in, he said he planned to help his dad make other arrangements to live. But then we the time got closer, he changed it and said he would have his dad leave by the time we got married. I was ok with that and I patiently waited. As the wedding approached, i asked him if he’d talked to his dad yet. He would just get upset and said he would talk to him later. Then he started saying maybe his dad would move out on his own without him having to talk to him. It got to the point where we were literally on our honeymoon and he was still acting like maybe his dad would be gone when we got back home, even though he’d never even talked to him about leaving. Why would his dad leave by his own choice when he has a free place to live?? It got to where it bothered me more that I felt he was just telling me things to pacify me because he didn’t want to act like an adult and talk to his dad, than it bothered me that his dad was still there. He ended up talking to him a week after the wedding and his dad left and went somewhere else to live within a few weeks. Again, If it was my family, I would have stuck to the agreement that i made with my with my significant other and I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell my dad “hey, I’m getting married, I’m trying to start a life and a family with this person. We’re going to have to make other living arrangements”. I guess the root of it is I’ve always felt like he is more concerned with not making his family uncomfortable than worrying about my own comfort.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s just different values. I think fathers should be parents. Your value system says that the husband should be able to enjoy his guests while his wife cares for 3 small children while pregnant and waits on him and his guests, because he matters and she doesn’t.
> 
> Maybe she could take the children to the hotel with her and hire a waitress for him while his guests are there. That would make everyone happy.


You are putting words in my mouth. I said that I couldn't just go off and leave my husband to cope on his own with 3 small children plus guests while I go and relax. It should be a joint effort.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

bobert said:


> If you are setting a frequency and duration limit on guests, then he's not getting 100% of what he wants.
> 
> Why should your needs (of being alone) trump his (of being together)? Extroverts need people like introverts need space.
> 
> You need to find a compromise, but the friend excuse would not hold up.


They can literally visit all day long and stay crammed up each other’s buttholes all day for all I care. All I’m asking is that at night, they get a hotel. Which again, I would be willing to pay for. Or I will get a hotel, and if I cant think of a good excuse ill just tell them the truth. That I have to have some space at the end of the day for my own sanity. If my husband is afraid this will offend them, we can always go back to option 1 which is no overnight guests, but we can offer to pay for their hotel.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> Too bad for them, I do.


Personally I would not rely on my family giving me a place to stay when I’m visiting, not that I’d want to stay with family anyway. I’d probably wait until I have a few hundred bucks saved up and then visit family, so I can get a hotel. But in any case, the “we don’t have money for a hotel” excuse is irrelevant anyway because I’ve already said I have no problem agreeing to pay for their hotel room.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

QQhatb


september_sky said:


> They can literally visit all day long and stay up crammed up each other’s buttholes all day for all I care. All I’m asking is that at night, they get a hotel. Which again, I would be willing to pay for. Or I will get a hotel, and if I can think of a good excuse ill just tell them the truth. That I have to have some space at the end of the day for my own sanity. If my husband is afraid this will offend them, we dna always go back to option 1 which is no overnight guests, but we can offer to pay for their hotel.


What time would you expect them to go? How much time do you usually get to yourself in the evening after the children are in bed?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> It’s funny you mention that because that’s actually something I worry about. Our relationship kind of started off that way. When I moved from my hometown 400+ miles away to be with him, he had his dad living with him in his house. His dad had gotten divorced and supposedly was paying too much in child support to support himself. He was basically living off his credit cards, wracking up more debt because he didn’t have any money from what I heard. So my husband offered to let him live with him rent free. His dad had been staying there for a couple years when I moved in. Initially, before I moved in, he said he planned to help his dad make other arrangements to live. But then we the time got closer, he changed it and said he would have his dad leave by the time we got married. I was ok with that and I patiently waited. As the wedding approached, i asked him if he’d talked to his dad yet. He would just get upset and said he would talk to him later. Then he started saying maybe his dad would move out on his own without him having to talk to him. It got to the point where we were literally on our honeymoon and he was still acting like maybe his dad would be gone when we got back home, even though he’d never even talked to him about leaving. Why would his dad leave by his own choice when he has a free place to live?? It got to where it bothered me more that I felt he was just telling me things to pacify me because he didn’t want to act like an adult and talk to his dad, than it bothered me that his dad was still there. He ended up talking to him a week after the wedding and his dad left and went somewhere else to live within a few weeks. Again, If it was my family, I would have stuck to the agreement that i made with my with my significant other and I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell my dad “hey, I’m getting married, I’m trying to start a life and a family with this person. We’re going to have to make other living arrangements”. I guess the root of it is I’ve always felt like he is more concerned with not making his family uncomfortable than worrying about my own comfort.


Sadly it seems he has mistaken your patience for tolerance 😑 which only adds fuel to his belief that if he keeps trying to change you that it'll eventually work.

Relationships shouldn't be about that, introvert/extrovert couples should complement each other like two different halves of the same puzzle, and it's a power combination when it does.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> You are putting words in my mouth. I said that I couldn't just go off and leave my husband to cope on his own with 3 small children plus guests while I go and relax. It should be a joint effort.


I’m not the one that wants the guests sleeping in our house. He is. So if that’s what he wants, he can take care of it.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> QQhatb
> 
> What time would you expect them to go? How much time do you usually get to yourself in the evening after the children are in bed?


 At least by 7 in the evening I would want them to go bc this is the time when we start getting the kids ready for bed (baths, dinner, teeth brushing, etc). The kids are usually asleep by 8 or 8:30 and typically I stay up for an hour or two after they’ve gone to bed to watch tv or whatever I need to do to unwind.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I recall the same when I was married (to an extrovert). He would set party times at like 6 hours. I loved having people over but felt burnt out and cranky after 3 or 4 hours and wanted it to be over. Tried to set that limit a couple of times, like having people for brunch and that seemed to work ok as they left after a couple of hours. 

You guys need to try and find a compromise because you both have needs (he needs people/family to stay and feel welcome and you need peace). A compromise isn't having them stay in a hotel. That makes family feel unwelcome in most families. I get that that wasn't your experience growing up but that would make most people feel that way. Can you excuse yourself a bit early at bedtime and go rest when they are staying? That way you can try and recharge. Honestly I hate having my family to stay but my son loves it so I suck it up so he can spend time with his grandparents. Sometimes we have to do things for the people we love. I would sit him down and try and ask him what he feels a compromise would But it isn't going to be him never getting what he wants. Because that's not how partnerships work. At the same time, he needs to try and meet you halfway and see if he can at least acknowledge how you feel and try accommodate both of you. When you both see the other isn't trying to dismiss your feelings, you will be in a better spot to move forward. It sounds like you might not be there yet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)




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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

september_sky said:


> Personally I would not rely on my family giving me a place to stay when I’m visiting, not that I’d want to stay with family anyway. I’d probably wait until I have a few hundred bucks saved up and then visit family, so I can get a hotel. But in any case, the “we don’t have money for a hotel” excuse is irrelevant anyway because I’ve already said I have no problem agreeing to pay for their hotel room.


I'm sort of in your camp with concerns especially with a family member bringing a significant other that you don't know.

I personally almost never stay with family when I visit because I'm spoiled and like what I like.

We sometimes stay with my mom because she loves it and there is nothing like waking up in Montana to elk steak and eggs!🙂

It does seem like you and your husband just have a bit of a culture clash when it comes to this one.

I can see wanting to wake up with family and have breakfast but I can also see how disruptive and annoying it is to have your routine messed up.

I hope you and your husband can eventually reach a healthy agreement about it.

Can you see his point of view a little?

Can he see yours?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Yes I know. Remember there are many who are struggling.


I was too. I used to work on the docks, union was on strike and I was down on my luck so tough… it was tough!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I was too. I used to work on the docks, union was on strike and I was down on my luck so tough… it was tough!


Did you have your six string in hock?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I was too. I used to work on the docks, union was on strike and I was down on my luck so tough… it was tough!


Does your wife work the diner all day?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I couldn't imagine staying with someone who you can sense doesn't want you there. Judging from your first post, I'm guessing you'd have a hard time hiding your discomfort. That would make for a horrible atmosphere and consequentially , a horrible visit.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

september_sky said:


> At least by 7 in the evening I would want them to go bc this is the time when we start getting the kids ready for bed (baths, dinner, teeth brushing, etc). The kids are usually asleep by 8 or 8:30 and typically I stay up for an hour or two after they’ve gone to bed to watch tv or whatever I need to do to unwind.


Wanting overnight guests to leave by 7pm at the latest is a bit much. Why can't you just put the kids to bed, then retreat to your room for the rest of the night?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

september_sky said:


> I’m not the one that wants the guests sleeping in our house. He is. So if that’s what he wants, he can take care of it.


Why should he care for the children and the guests? I thought marriage was about helping to support each other and sometimes to be unselfish. To make sacrifices?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> I was too. I used to work on the docks, union was on strike and I was down on my luck so tough… it was tough!


Ok so be a little more understanding maybe?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> My blankie!
> Even in my absence they disrespected my personal boundaries lol


Lmao 
That’s funny 

reading your thread. Just my observations so far: Gotta work out a happy median. 
He gets x number of overnight guests a month.

No family staying over isn’t reasonable. Family or anyone staying for many days or weeks….. sucks….

Realize you have a problem and these kinds of things get worse with age. 
I have a cabin and loan it out to friends. They do annoying things and as an easily annoyed person, I have to choose my battles if I’m going to bring up an issue. I want my place to bring me happiness and friends, not shoo them away.

Don’t become a recluse and force that life on the man that loves you. Work together. Talk to him as you have planned, work out something you can live with. If it’s no guests at all, I think you’re in the wrong, you’re gonna , you’ll be lonely……


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm with you OP, apart from my Mum, who my husband also adores, I wouldn't want anyone staying here more than 1 night - including my brothers, and especially my inlaws _shudder_.

It's all fine and dandy for your husband to invite people to stay, but who actually takes on the extra load - the cooking, shopping, making up beds, entertaining? My bet is its you, not him. He enjoys visitors so much because his life doesn't actually change at all. Must be nice, lol.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

re16 said:


> He could write that same sentence:
> 
> She knows I'm highly comfortable with people staying at our house but it's not something she enjoys so instead of thinking about me, she has always tried to invalidate my feelings so she can get what she wants.
> 
> I will admit, this thread is triggering for me because my wife had untreated anxiety for 12 years post kids, and it lead to a lot of resentment, prior to her doing something about it. You can 'win' these battles by controlling 'normal' situations (having house guests) into what works for you (not having them)... but be forewarned, this will do damage over time, and his resentment will build.


The same could be said for her husband. His complete lack of consideration for her needs will cause resentment to build on her part and damage the marriage. I suspect it already has, hence her post.

OP I think the only compromise here is to allow the houseguests, but for a shorter time, no longer than a weekend. If they want to stay longer they go to a hotel.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Does your wife work the diner all day?


Yes, how did you know?


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

I'm a little late on this but I agree with the OP. I am pretty much an introvert and a little bit of a recluse. We don't have people stay over. The only people I would allow to spend the night are my kids. I also hate it when people drop by before calling ahead and expect to come in an visit. When we travel and we know someone, or have relative in the area we are going to, we stay in a hotel. I would never expect someone to put us up. I also don't understand why someone should pay for the hotel room for the visitors if they don't want them to stay with them? There's a lot of different opinions on this but there's nothing wrong with not wanting overnight guests.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Willnotbill said:


> I also don't understand why someone should pay for the hotel room for the visitors if they don't want them to stay with them?


If you invite people from out of town and they’re maybe of limited means and you live in an expensive area then in my mind it’s only reasonable that you provide them with good accommodations. In my case I feel a 3.5 star hotel with decent user reviews close by is ok. We have done that a few times.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

ccpowerslave said:


> If you invite people from out of town and they’re maybe of limited means and you live in an expensive area then in my mind it’s only reasonable that you provide them with good accommodations. In my case I feel a 3.5 star hotel with decent user reviews close by is ok. We have done that a few times.


Most of the time that people have stayed with us, we didn’t really invite them, they kind of invited themselves. Or it will be a scenario where they’re coming through town to visit other family members and they want to visit with us on the way. Like the time my husbands brother and his gf and her kid came by. The gf messaged me and said they were passing through to see a friend and wanted to know if they could stay with us for a few days because they couldn’t afford a hotel. They ended up staying with us and sleeping on an air mattress bc that’s what my husband wanted. Personally when someone invites themselves I don’t believe we should be obligated to give them a place to stay or to pay for their hotel room but if paying for their hotel will make my husband happy, I’d rather that than them stay with us.

I ended up talking to my husband about all of this and I explained to him that I’m basically to my limit when it comes to dealing stressful things at this point and for him to even bring up the possibility of having people stay at our house triggers my anxiety and I’d rather it just not even be a topic. I never ask him if family or friends can stay with us and I have no desire to have anyone stay with us, whether it be my family or his. I told him if he wants to pay for their hotel that’s fine. So basically I started off with option #1 that I mentioned here. It took a few minutes but I guess he sensed that this was something truly upsetting for me so he ended up saying it was fine and that he wouldn’t bring up having people stay here again. I am typically a very go with the flow type of person and I don’t have very many hard boundaries. This is probably the one and only thing I can think of that I’m no longer willing to give into anymore.

After our talk, even though we were able to come to an agreement, I felt extremely overwhelmed and emotional and couldn’t help but to go upstairs to get away from the situation. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack, I was crying and having trouble taking deep breathes. After about 10 mins I pulled myself together enough to come back downstairs but I guess he could tell I’d been crying bc he started reassuring me that it was fine, that having family not stay with us wasn’t a dealbreaker for him, etc. I couldn’t hardly say anything bc I felt like if I did I’d just burst into tears, which is exactly what happened when I did eventually speak, and he just hugged me and kept telling me it was ok and that it honestly wasn’t that big of a deal to him. So eventually I calmed down and everything was ok.

It doesn’t help that I feel some members of his family have trouble respecting my space and my privacy. This makes me feel like certain boundaries are necessary. He has a brother who lives about 15 mins away and he came over a few weeks ago totally unannounced at like 8pm on a weekday after I’d just gotten home from work and I’d been gone since early that morning. To make it more chaotic he let his huge dog come barreling through the front door, running around everywhere. And again, some people might not think this is a big deal. But for me, after I’ve had to interact with people all day at work and then I come home to my safe place, thinking I’m going to get some alone time to relax, to have unexpected visitors pop in and huge dogs running all over the house is extremely triggering.

Im aware some of you probably think my reaction to these things are over the top and I should just get over it but i think it’s necessary for me to prioritize the things that I know I NEED in order to be a good wife and mother to my kids. If I don’t prioritize my mental health, no one else is going to. And I probably am more hypersensitive with being pregnant but I don’t think that means my feelings should be automatically dismissed. Thank you to everyone that commented on my post.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Believe me I don’t want people in my house either. My compromise is they are near my house but not in it.

I don’t know anyone who just shows up. When unexpected visitors knock on the door my first reaction is anger.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

september_sky said:


> I ended up talking to my husband about all of this... and *he just hugged me and kept telling me it was ok and that it honestly wasn’t that big of a deal to him*. So eventually I calmed down and everything was ok.


🤦‍♂️
Then WTF lol



> It doesn’t help that I feel some members of his family have trouble respecting my space and my privacy. This makes me feel like certain boundaries are necessary. He has a brother who lives about 15 mins away and he came over a few weeks ago totally unannounced at like 8pm on a weekday after I’d just gotten home from work and I’d been gone since early that morning. To make it more chaotic he let his huge dog come barreling through the front door, running around everywhere. And again, some people might not think this is a big deal. But for me, after I’ve had to interact with people all day at work and then I come home to my safe place, thinking I’m going to get some alone time to relax, to have unexpected visitors pop in and huge dogs running all over the house is extremely triggering.
> 
> Im aware some of you probably think my reaction to these things are over the top and I should just get over it but i think it’s necessary for me to prioritize the things that I know I NEED in order to be a good wife and mother to my kids. If I don’t prioritize my mental health, no one else is going to. And I probably am more hypersensitive with being pregnant but I don’t think that means my feelings should be automatically dismissed. Thank you to everyone that commented on my post.


He's an extrovert, use him as a social shield if they show up unannounced like what my ex did for me. 
Let him draw them away and have fun with his family, in time he may even come to appreciate the sacredness of the sanctuary that you and him share with just you two and your kids.

Good luck!


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## Willnotbill (May 13, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> If you invite people from out of town and they’re maybe of limited means and you live in an expensive area then in my mind it’s only reasonable that you provide them with good accommodations. In my case I feel a 3.5 star hotel with decent user reviews close by is ok. We have done that a few times.


Got it. I never invite anyone over to our house that lives far away so I never bothered to think about this.


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