# Trial seperation



## Jimeagle (Jan 30, 2019)

I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong. Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs. In particular I think her obsessive need to liked, has driven her to do this, at the cost of our relationship. We have 2 young boys, so I am fighting to save my marriage, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and has gone on Prozac 20mg. My hope is that with time, my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't see this ending well on it's current trajectory. "Trial" separations, often end up being permanent. You moving out gives her the latitude to behave how she pleases, without check or consequence. It also creates emotional distance between you two. Leaving her with a greater amount of freedom, and increased incentives to take advantage of it.

If you want to fight for your marriage, I'd suggest an alternate approach. If you're at the "I've had it/them or me" phase, moved out as a result, and aren't really attached to the end product, then proceed as planned.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The trial separation always leaves the cheater time to do as they wish ..... they always keep on cheating. 

In the mind of the cheater it is the free hall pass they are looking for while they "figure things out".

Sorry man ..... but this is not how to get things back straight ..... it's the free hall pass.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*@Jimeagle ~ always remember that "trial separation" is little more than a code word for "legitimate cheating!"

It more expeditiously gets the "betrayed" spouse out of the way, so that the "wayward" one can better play around unobserved and unnoticed!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are trying to blame her medication or lack of it for her cheating, or 'irrational behaviour' as you call it. Sorry but if a person is faithful and has character and integrity they will not cheat no matter what. 

IF you really want this marriage to work, then move back in asap and make sure she is doing as she says and getting help. You leaving will only make things worse and she now has a free pass to cheat whenever she likes and to do what she wants. A separation will only make things worse, and its unlikely that the marriage will get back on track. Few do. One suggestion is that she runs with other women only and no men. 

I totally understand that you want it to work for your children, but a woman who goes after other men, not once but twice(at least), who may also be married or in a relationship, just cant be trusted. 

Her thought that she has just been 'insensitive' is appalling. She has cheated and lied and deceived you. She has risked her family blowing up and her children being deeply hurt. Somewhat more than insensitive, her behaviour was appalling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong. Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs. In particular I think her obsessive need to liked, has driven her to do this, at the cost of our relationship. We have 2 young boys, so I am fighting to save my marriage, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and has gone on Prozac 20mg. My hope is that with time, my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


This is not good. 

Seek legal advice from a good divorce/family law solicitor (https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/practice-areas/family-children/) and do make sure she is not exposing the children to any dangers. She'd not do that? Maybe so. But would you have believed her capable of cheating on you? Probably not.

Also, some runners take illegal drugs. Make sure she is clean, if possible.

And I always wonder how it is that if a spouse is cheating it is the innocent spouse who has to move out?

I am presuming you are a fellow Brit (you spell like I do and use perfect grammar like what I does! ) but if not, let me know where you are from and I'll provide suitable links.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PS Jim, welcome on board. Sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

I have moved your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section where you will receive a lot of good advice from people who have been where you have.


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## Isshecheating (Jan 29, 2019)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong. Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs. In particular I think her obsessive need to liked, has driven her to do this, at the cost of our relationship. We have 2 young boys, so I am fighting to save my marriage, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and has gone on Prozac 20mg. My hope is that with time, my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


So sorry to hear about your situation. Hang in there! I strongly suggest that you move back home. Trial separations give the cheater freedom to cheat. Run with your wife of join a health club with a track. Your wife is one foot out the door. Good luck!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly are you telling me that moving out of the house and her "working on herself" at the house alone is going to fix your marriage...brother wake up and smell the coffee, you just gave her a place to bring her runner friends back to you your own bed. Sadly you are blaming her conditions for cheating and you think moving out with solve it...if you believe that turn in your man card.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jimeagle said:


> We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs.


Like most BS's (betrayed spouses) you're desperately looking for_ something _to blame her **** behavior on because you can't accept the fact that cheaters cheat because they *WANT* to. Be very *careful* about blaming her cheating on medication or 'depression and anxiety' because if that were the case, she would have cheated on you LONG before now, wouldn't she have? If she's always had 'depression and anxiety' then that means she should have *always* been cheating on you if that's what we're going to blame her **** behavior on.

See how that works?

Stop making her a victim. That's the FIRST thing you have to do.

Secondly, boy has she bamboozled you. With you out of the house, she gets to play with her 'running' buddies without having to answer to you or making excuses to get out of the house. It's win/win for her.

Oh man.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Her running buddies are probably there with her and your kids and she is having sex with them in your house and your bed and in front of your kids . you are making this easy on her . if she want to run get her a treadmill . you need to put your foot down .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

PLEASE get with a lawyer and protect yourself, your finances and your children. Moving out, as others have indicated, has given her a green light to bang whoever she wants when she wants without worrying if you will overhear a conversation, see a text, etc..

Is this a "legal" separation, or did you just move out? Make sure it is legal -- if not she can run up all sorts of debt and YOU will be liable for that.
PLEASE get with a lawyer. Playing hardball with her is the only way to have a chance of getting this back.

Also, the very FIRST THING she has to do is stop with the running club and have NO CONTACT with any of them! That is a MUST -- blocked on ALL media. If she won't do this, you know your answer (divorce).

Also, don't just do this for your kids. YOU will have to deal with her and watch her like a hawk -- do you think you can really trust her, ever? Think about if YOU want to play police for your marriage going forward.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

Why did YOU move out?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Not being critical but I agree with other posters.
Move back in and have her move out if she wants to.
She is not the betrayed one, you are. A trial separation 
can and often does lead to a divorce trial.Lawyer now !!

Absences does not make the heart grow founder, 
sometimes it makes it forget.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong. Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help.
> 
> All you did was give her more time with her other men and making it easier for her. Pretty dum move on your part
> 
> ...


Her actions say different. You should wake up to reality. Cheaters lie a lot. That's all you're getting


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> The trial separation always leaves the cheater time to do as they wish ..... they always keep on cheating.


Yep. She will now be able to "host". BTW, 'trial' in trial separation means they can try new people during the separation. The chick already had lost all interest in hubby when she banged the first guy. The second, third., ....factorial is conformation.
Old Jim keep trying to make a plea and his future ex-wife is wanting a trial. He may as well cash in the chips he has left and move on.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

She cheated on you and then cheated on you again. You knew about it the whole time. You need to look inside yourself and find your self-respect. She sure as hell doesn't respect you. I realize you want to save your marriage because of kids, but its burnt to the ground and its not worth being a lifelong ****.

ETA: If you moved out of your house, you shouldn't have for a couple reasons. She cheated, you throw her out. And whether you want to admit it or not, you are in the beginning stages of Divorce. Get your a$$ back in your house so she can't claim abandonment.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

If you want to stay with your wife, MOVE BACK IN. If you don't, then you'll be able to have all the reason to file for D before too long, bc the only thing that comes of a trial separation with a cheater, is that it makes it easier for the cheater to continue cheating.


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## Jimeagle (Jan 30, 2019)

Wow. Harsh responses but true. I know she showed me no respect and it is pretty messed up that I have moved out. 
In the end I had to move out because I couldn't handle her lieing to me, I was constantly looking for her lies, and it was driving me nuts, I was getting angrier and more resentful by the day. 
It is basically make or break time, and if it doesn't work, she will be moving out and we will be selling the house. 
In regards to these other men that she has been around, I have scared them off, they were both 15 years older (50), and both married with kids. The first man I know it had definitely finished and the second man, she didnt have time to get too involved, because I made it too difficult for them.

Just to clarify though I won't be moving back in until I am ready, and if she does keep on this destructive path that she was/is on. I wil be looking to find a way out. 

Thanks all for replying. Jim


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What more is necessary?

How much will you endure before you get sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Jimeagle said:


> Wow. Harsh responses but true. I know she showed me no respect and it is pretty messed up that I have moved out.
> In the end I had to move out because I couldn't handle her lieing to me, I was constantly looking for her lies, and it was driving me nuts, I was getting angrier and more resentful by the day.
> It is basically make or break time, and if it doesn't work, she will be moving out and we will be selling the house.
> In regards to these other men that she has been around, I have scared them off, they were both 15 years older (50), and both married with kids. The first man I know it had definitely finished and the second man, she didnt have time to get too involved, because I made it too difficult for them.
> ...


Contact a lawyer NOW! Just to see what divorce will look like and get the truth about what you can expect in your State.

You don't have to file for D now, but you should get the facts to save yourself some time when you have finally had enough.

Don't think you made it too difficult for her and OM2. A cheater such as your wife will stop at nothing to get what she wants. They can be very imaginative and sneaky.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"In regards to these other men that she has been around, I have scared them off, they were both 15 years older (50), and both married with kids. The first man I know it had definitely finished and the second man, she didnt have time to get too involved, because I made it too difficult for them."

You should tell their spouses what happened also. It's only fair to THEM to know kind of POS they are married to.

Also:
"Just to clarify though I won't be moving back in until I am ready, and if she does keep on this destructive path that she was/is on. "

HOW WILL YOU KNOW? She lied/s to you all the time, she had affairs and lied to you -- how will you know if she has turned around? Have you hired a PI to watch her while you are not there to prove she is cheating?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong. Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs. In particular I think her obsessive need to liked, has driven her to do this, at the cost of our relationship. We have 2 young boys, so I am fighting to save my marriage, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and has gone on Prozac 20mg. My hope is that with time, my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


Why do you want to stay with someone who treats you so badly. You can do better.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Jimeagle said:


> Wow. Harsh responses but true. I know she showed me no respect and it is pretty messed up that I have moved out.
> In the end I had to move out because I couldn't handle her lieing to me, I was constantly looking for her lies, and it was driving me nuts, I was getting angrier and more resentful by the day.
> It is basically make or break time, and if it doesn't work, she will be moving out and we will be selling the house.
> In regards to these other men that she has been around, I have scared them off, they were both 15 years older (50), and both married with kids. The first man I know it had definitely finished and the second man, she didnt have time to get too involved, because I made it too difficult for them.
> ...


You made it too difficult for your wife to fk other men she wanted? Dude, listen to yourself. You don't make it difficult, you take yourself out of the equation. Otherwise, you will be playing pu$$y police for the next 10 years until she loses all her sexual value. Then you get her used up vajay, all her STDs, all her illegitimate children and a hard dose of PTSD. File for divorce. You don't need to fight for *****s.


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## Jimeagle (Jan 30, 2019)

Why do you want to stay with someone who treats you so badly. You can do better.[/QUOTE]

I believe in her, and I love her. We have been together for 15 years and we have always been in love, it is a very special relationship we have, up until October last year, she was a devoted mother and wife and looked after me and the kids. 

A bit about me, I am a recovering drug addict done good. I spent along time of my life as a heroin addict and it was likely to end up a drug addict till it killed me. My wife saved me from my demons and has seen me relapse before, but still stood by me. She has forgiven me, on several occasions. Recently up until October, I was addicted to pain killers and hiding it from my wife. 

Lastly, I know my wife better than she knows herself, unfortunately i allowed her to get to engrossed in the running because it suited me as well (taking pain killers) And that's when her head was turned. I want to give her the benefit of doubt, as she has done for me so many times before.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are dawdling in infidelity. When you do that it just enables. 

I suspect you are playing the waiting game hoping she'll "get it".

You have locked yourself in infidelity prison and you have the key in your hand.

You are the only one keeping yourself where your wayward wife put you.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You have effectively given her carte blanche to do as she pleases with whomever she pleases. You do realize that, don't you? Sure, you may have "scared" off two men, but who's to say there aren't more lined up? And you'd be foolish to trust one word coming out of your wife's mouth.

You need to get back in that house and figure out a way to deal. Your current plan is terrible.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Running doesn't turn women into cheaters. She was open for business and every man knew it. Don't be surprised if she drops the D papers on you. She will give you the ol' 'she isnt happy' schtick. Stop focusing on her and make yourself your mental point of origin. Get in the gym, stay away from drugs and take care of yourself and the kids. Limit the conversations to the kids with her.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> You have effectively given her carte blanche to do as she pleases with whomever she pleases. You do realize that, don't you? Sure, you may have "scared" off two men, but who's to say there aren't more lined up? And you'd be foolish to trust one word coming out of your wife's mouth.
> 
> You need to get back in that house and figure out a way to deal. Your current plan is terrible.


I agree he needs to get back in his house, but I disagree with why. If anyone should leave, its her. Time for him to prepare for divorce and the last thing he needs is some a$$hat law of abandonment coming to bite him in the end. Make her move out since she is preoccupied with riding the ck carousal and your presence will be making that difficult. She may very well take you up on it! At this point, who cares of she is going through half the men in your zip code?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You both had a "special kind of love" huh?

So special she spread her legs for another man. And was working her way through a second.

I would have told her to hit the road running and if she really got her act together afterwards I might consider letting her come back home. But whatever...she has successfully gotten you out of the house so she can test ride the next running buddy on the list.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

As a recovering addict, you have to treat your wife much the same.

Love her enough to allow her to hit bottom.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

You're doing the best you can to be a good husband, but you are being terrible to yourself.

She has saved you from herself, but you are not returning the favor.

This requires tough love, not looking away while she tries out other men. 

And even if she did save you, she has no right to abuse you by stepping outside of your marriage.

You are allowing it to go on. You must stop it. Give her the choice of a monogamous marriage or the single life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jimeagle said:


> Wow. Harsh responses but true. I know she showed me no respect and it is pretty messed up that I have moved out.
> In the end I had to move out because I couldn't handle her lieing to me, I was constantly looking for her lies, and it was driving me nuts, I was getting angrier and more resentful by the day.
> It is basically make or break time, and if it doesn't work, she will be moving out and we will be selling the house.
> In regards to these other men that she has been around, I have scared them off, they were both 15 years older (50), and both married with kids. The first man I know it had definitely finished and the second man, she didnt have time to get too involved, because I made it too difficult for them.
> ...


 Even more disgusting that she went after married men with children. I hope someone has told the wife of the 
man she cheated with.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I agree he needs to get back in his house, but I disagree with why. If anyone should leave, its her. Time for him to prepare for divorce and the last thing he needs is some a$$hat law of abandonment coming to bite him in the end. Make her move out since she is preoccupied with riding the ck carousal and your presence will be making that difficult. She may very well take you up on it! At this point, who cares of she is going through half the men in your zip code?


I agree. You're right. I think separations are the kiss of death in relationships. Either you're all in or you're all out.
@Jimeagle, good for you for being clean since October. Keep it up. Your wife's 2x cheating will tempt you to use. Don't let it. 

And no disrespect intended but I've always chuckled when someone declared they knew someone better than they knew themselves. That simply is just not true. It's impossible. And while your wife certainly should be commended for standing by you through your darkest hours of addiction and relapse, that certainly does not give her license to cheat on you. You are comparing apples to oranges. She does not deserve the benefit of the doubt.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Look at the language you used. You are married to an adult, right? You let her do.... you stopped them from... No. You are not her dad.  You don't know her better than she knows herself. Wow. Really think that over.

Also, you have nothing special. No one does. You have a marriage with ups and downs like every one else. What you also have is a cheating wife, so you are even less special. No one leaves special for crap.

Set real goals, do real assessment, have real perspectives.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You are in full on Knight in Shining Armor (KISA) mode here......

This statements proves it “know her better than herself”......

A clear sign that you think you know best who she is and will ‘rescue’ her from her temporary insanity.

Likely, you are influenced in this by the pedestal you have put her on for sticking by you during your time of crappy behavior.

Problem is though.....this is all a Fantasy.

You do NOT know her better than herself.....you are in denial that she could be this broken as to cheat on you twice......or that she will use this separation to continue to do so with either of these two turds, or a fresh and new scumbag.

You had best wake up here.....

Expose both of these POSOM’s to their BWs immediately.....and make sure everyone in her running groups knows as well.....

BLOW IT UP!!!

Make it so that no man in her social circle would want to play with her because they see the drama that her past OMs are dealing with after you told their BWs.....and that no woman in that social circle of runners would want her H within a mile of your WW.

Then sit your WW down and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she can’t get her head out of her a** that instant, you will be filing for D........she has to know that if she continues with this selfish bullsh*t that the price will be her life and family as she knows them.

You had better take a very hard line here if you want a chance of saving your M.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

There are no "Special Loves". This has been a story seen hundreds if not thousands of times on this board.

You are making excuses for her betrayal of you and her family.

Here are actions you should take:

1. *First, you have to be willing to lose your wife to save her.* She must believe this totally. Right now you are doing the "pick me" dance. It makes you incredibly unattractive to her and makes the other men look strong. _*Women are attracted to strength, courage, and decisive actions.*_ *So far you have not shown much of this.*

2. *Exposure kills affairs.* Tell the other men's wives. Tell Friends and relatives. *Do not tell her in advance that you are doing this*.

3. *Lawyer up with the idea that you are going to divorce her.* Have her served. You have time between the serving and the judge's decision for her to show real remorse. *If she does, then you can stop the divorce.*

4. *She stops running now.* She has proven that she cannot be trusted. If she is serious that the marriage comes first, she will do this. Which is more important, her hobby or her family??? So far...her hobby, *which has led to her other hobby which is serial infidelity*.

5. *The real problem is she needs validation from other men.* As long as she is willing to give up sex for validation, you have no marriage. *She has to face this now*.

6. *If anyone moves out, it should be her.* Get on with it. She stops lying now.

7. *Get her to a polygraph and have her face her lies.* Many times you will get parking lot confessions before she even takes the test.

8. *Time to man up for your kids.* Either you take strong action now or your kids lose their family. *Your choice.*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong. Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs. In particular I think her obsessive need to liked, has driven her to do this, at the cost of our relationship. We have 2 young boys, so I am fighting to save my marriage, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and has gone on Prozac 20mg. My hope is that with time, my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


So there’s the one affair that you know about “for sure”, as well as a likely second affair, and she’s got a few screws loose to boot.

The really bad news is that there are likely even more affairs that you know absolutely nothing about.

Oh, and serials never stop cheating.

Do yourself a huge favor and get out now.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jimeagle said:


> She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. ...
> 
> she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong... her mum came down and had talks with my wife,
> 
> at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been.


"Insensitive"? 

Thats kind of harsh, don't you think?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jimeagle said:


> In regards to these other men that she has been around, I have scared them off, they were both 15 years older (50), and both married with kids.


Do you* really* understand how feeble it is that you had to resort to 'scaring off'' men like a 10 year old boy on the playground? _They_ aren't your problem - SHE is. She has ZERO respect for you. These guys aren't gone because she realized what a low life she is and wanted to clean up her act. They're gone because you scared them away. But since she's on the prowl, I'm sure she'll just replace them with other guys that you'll have to scare away. And then she'll replace those guys and the cycle will just continue.

I have the feeling she'll have a sudden change of heart and miraculously become oh so 'remorseful' when you go to a lawyer and she realizes she's going to lose her meal ticket. Just watch how much her story changes and how very much she loves you when she realizes things are about to change and not for the better.

I'd boot her ass to the curb so hard her mother would feel it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Do you* really* understand how feeble it is that you had to resort to 'scaring off'' men like a 10 year old boy on the playground? _They_ aren't your problem - SHE is. She has ZERO respect for you. These guys aren't gone because she realized what a low life she is and wanted to clean up her act. They're gone because you scared them away. But since she's on the prowl, I'm sure she'll just replace them with other guys that you'll have to scare away. And then she'll replace those guys and the cycle will just continue.
> 
> I have the feeling she'll have a sudden change of heart and miraculously become oh so 'remorseful' when you go to a lawyer and she realizes she's going to lose her meal ticket. Just watch how much her story changes and how very much she loves you when she realizes things are about to change and not for the better.
> 
> I'd boot her ass to the curb so hard her mother would feel it.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get. He should "man up" "kick her to the kerb" "throw her out" etc., etc., etc.

But out in the *real* world, there are things called consequences. Some of them legal.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Do you* really* understand how feeble it is that you had to resort to 'scaring off'' men like a 10 year old boy on the playground? _They_ aren't your problem - SHE is. She has ZERO respect for you. These guys aren't gone because she realized what a low life she is and wanted to clean up her act. They're gone because you scared them away. But since she's on the prowl, I'm sure she'll just replace them with other guys that you'll have to scare away. And then she'll replace those guys and the cycle will just continue.
> 
> I have the feeling she'll have a sudden change of heart and miraculously become oh so 'remorseful' when you go to a lawyer and she realizes she's going to lose her meal ticket. Just watch how much her story changes and how very much she loves you when she realizes things are about to change and not for the better.
> 
> *I'd boot her ass to the curb so hard her mother would feel it*.





MattMatt said:


> Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get. He should "man up" "kick her to the kerb" "throw her out" etc., etc., etc.
> 
> But out in the *real* world, there are things called consequences. Some of them legal.



I took this as figuratively, and meaning divorce. Legal to divorce a cheating wife, right?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get. He should "man up" "kick her to the kerb" "throw her out" etc., etc., etc.
> 
> But out in the *real* world, there are things called consequences. Some of them legal.


I don't understand Matt, what are you saying?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> I took this as figuratively, and meaning divorce. Legal to divorce a cheating wife, right?


That's correct and what I meant.


By law in the states, you can't throw cheaters out the front door or change the locks legally. You can only hope they'll agree to leave on their own. :grin2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you been to a lawyer yet? Find out your rights.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

To some of y'all its, "Kick her to the curb". From her perspective its, "Throw me in the brier patch Bre’r Fox". This notion that she's somehow going to be removed from Shangri-La and cast out into the wilderness is ludicrous. Our man Jim lowered his wife's romantic interest by doing long time drug habit. It ain't coming back. When, not if, they divorce, his chances of physical custody in nil and he'll pay the full fare for child support.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jimeagle said:


> I believe in her, and I love her. We have been together for 15 years and we have always been in love, it is a very special relationship we have, up until October last year, she was a devoted mother and wife and looked after me and the kids.
> 
> A bit about me, I am a recovering drug addict done good. I spent along time of my life as a heroin addict and it was likely to end up a drug addict till it killed me. My wife saved me from my demons and has seen me relapse before, but still stood by me. She has forgiven me, on several occasions. Recently up until October, I was addicted to pain killers and hiding it from my wife.
> 
> Lastly, I know my wife better than she knows herself, unfortunately i allowed her to get to engrossed in the running because it suited me as well (taking pain killers) And that's when her head was turned.* I want to give her the benefit of doubt, as she has done for me so many times before.*


I can see where you are coming from, here. Just be realistic in all of this. If she isnt remorseful and doesnt do the work, then you will have to let her go. Dont allow yourself to stay in a situation that exposes you to disrespect and emotional abuse. If you are in a 12 step program, hit your meetings hard.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

While you're out of the house she's having as much sex as she possibly can with one or more of these men. Moving out is NEVER a smart move.

With children involved you also need to know that you have abandoned the family home which will kick you in the balls during a divorce if that is where this ends up. First advice, move back home immediately and DO NOT leave again. Once that is complete we can go from there. If you don't do that then don't bother with anything else, you're screwed.

BTW, I'm a divorce attorney with almost 30 years in the business.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Jimeagle, her background and your's as well are irrelevant. She openly chose to cheat and has not suffered the consequences. Stop rug sweeping, get an attorney, and start a hard 180 NOW! And to hell with all the damned justifications!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The pain killers were probably morphine based, so very hard to get off.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

*1)* Not sure it's a good idea to separate. She's just getting started and your physical presence is needed to help keep her from being licensed to cheat. You mention she knows she's wrong, but logic rarely interferes with lust when in infidelity. WS have incredibly stupefying judgement in these situations and your marital bed will be used to bed her partners. It may be hard to see your wife doing this, but the commonality of this is unfortunately very real. 

Lust has no conscience. It just feeds what needs to be fed, with complete disregard to consequences. In fact, WS dare consequences to be handed down, as I believe they calculate a cost/benefit analysis and bet on not losing their marriage or relationship, hence the benefit outweighs the cost. In instances where the BS files for divorce, the WS is typically stunned because they miscalculated and the worst case scenario is being played out and one they never imagined possible. This is when they go absolutely nuts with regret, remorse (too late) and lifelong shame for blowing it some instances. See TaxMan's posts. 

*2)* Before you decide to reconcile and fight for the marriage, you want to take a step back and determine if its worthy of being fought for. I loved a couple of fiances' that cheated on me, but in retrospect, it was unsmart for me to be with them, even though I loved them very much. They simply did not have the character traits needed for me to see them as a lifelong partner. 

It hurt me to leave them, but it was the right move. Additionally, you never fight for someone unprepared to fight for you. Affairs are funny in that what often fuels them is the stability the BS provides for them. When the BS removes themselves from the WS's infidelity, the WS is able to view the affair with clarity, so her/his decisions are forcefully brought to the forefront to bare. 

But whatever you do, don't compete for your own wife. That already happened when you asked her to marry and you won when she accepted. Done deal! No recompeting here. If so, your efforts that you declare as "fighting for the mariage" will serve as her enabler to cheat. Best to be indifferent and uncommitted as you observe her actions to determine if she's CAPABLE of winning YOU! 

WS do not respect weakness and weakness is interpreted as the man or woman who instantly wants to "work it out and reconcile" after learning of being cheated on. The WS sees it as the BS saying, "I can't lose you". This essentially sets the table enabling the WS to do whatever the hell they want. This posture WILL NOT endear them to you unfortunately. It only further reinforces the benefit they will receive, as they now know the costs are zero consequences. 

*3) *Love by itself is not what makes a marriage. Love is the foundation, but mutual respect and trust are the pillars which make the relationship strong and sustainable. So you have to ask yourself, does she respect you? Do you trust her? Does she love you? You have already said you love her. Okay. Do you trust her and again, does she respect you and you her considering her disregard for you and your kids? These questions are easily answered because they're answered by actions, not words. 

You never have to sit her down and wonder if she's telling the truth. Her actions, remorse, patience, selflessness, etc., says all you need to know. Her cheating (actions) indicates she not only disrespected you, but is uncaring of her family as well. So again, is she good for you and is she capable of being a loving mother that places her husband and kids above all else? This is what you need to assess and arrive at real answers to. Have to be real with yourself here. Your life and the life of your kids are at stake here.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

To me a trail separation is a stepping stone to a divorce. In my old days I had a women who was one week into her trail separation seduce me into bed. She had no wedding ring and never mentioned she was married until later on when she wanted to get serious. 

This whole separation thing reminds me of ripping off a bandaid slowly rather than quickly. It also provides your wife with a safety net, you, should things not work out with other guys as planned. I do no know any married couple, after 46 years of being married, who got separate and then got back together to successfully have a long and happy marriage. Of course that is only based on couples we knew. Your situation can be different but if my wife told me that she was unsure she wanted to be married to me anymore, I would wish her good luck and contact a good divorce lawyer.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It would appear Elvis has left the building.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> It would appear Elvis has left the building.


They usually do when the replies they receive aren't what they were hoping to hear so they could continue deluding themselves.


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## Rejectedliver (Jan 1, 2019)

Trial affairs it what it should be called she doesnt want to be with you .Why would you put up with her cheating for 5 weeks ?She will get such a bad reputation as being a **** that she will prob have to go to anothsr running club shes playing you and ur letting her goid lyck with your new address


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Can you give a status update?

What is your plan regarding the trial separation?

How do you foresee how this will play out? How many different options?

Frequently there is a disconnect. The cheater has somewhat disconnected from the marriage in order to continue cheating in an affair. The one being cheated on is disconnected from reality, in that the cheater is thinking about the new love relationship and that is by far the major focus in the cheater's mind every morning, noon, and night, while the one being cheated on is thinking that the cheater is sorry and "wants" the marriage to be saved.

Cheating is a funny name for adultery and infidelity. But the word cheat means to break the rules. The rule being monogamous. The breaking being wanting both the spouse AND the affair partner. While the one being cheated on is not told "I'm cheating and exploring with a new partner, you should too." No, the cheater wants to explore while the one being cheated on to stay and be faithful. Some call it Plan B, kind of a safety net just in case this new "high" doesn't work out.

And truly there is almost always a disconnect between what YOU are thinking and what SHE is thinking - your goals and dreams for the future are way different than hers. You are looking at a distant future, willing to sacrifice for that "happily ever after" while she is thinking largely about how happy can she be today, tonight, and maybe tomorrow, possibly even as far in the future as the next weekend or next week.

We all in this life are very special unique snowflakes, but when it comes to affairs, not so much. Your past foibles and your wife's past sacrifices should be worth something in your equation. But consider that when she takes you for granted, that you always will be there, might work against ending her affair. She may feel no tension to end the affair knowing you are willing to sit and wait.

Much of life is a negotiation, and give-and-take, a push-and-pull.

I would think that if you try out enough new romantic partners, one of them eventually is going to "connect" like you did with your wife. Especially if she is predisposed to wanting that now.

Your wording in your posts has implied a number of times how unique or different you think your situation is, but it really isn't. Most of us I think in long-term relatively happy marriages have built up some degree of loyalty due to our spouses' past sacrifices for us. And you have done so for her, too, even at the same time she has been doing it for you. It was mutual, if not exactly 50-50.

So where do you and your wife stand right now? It's groundhog day, what's your prediction?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Jimeagle, any updates?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Jim you are going about this the wrong way. As an athletics running coach myself i can honestly tell you that despite being a tight knit group we are not out banging each other and respect boundaries.

I'm sorry to say but you are making excuses and enabling her bad behavour. Moving out was not the smartest move. She could claim abondment against you.

I would suggest you book an appointment with an experienced family lawyer, find out your rights and how a divorce will play out for you then move back in straight away and follow advice of your chosen lawyer.

I hope you have seperated any joint finances and cancelled any joint Credit Cards. The last thing you want to do is to be financing her affairs. I can guarantee you whilst you are out of the house her affairs are continuing, as she now no longer needs to answer to you. 

I understand you have received some harsh realities on this board to date but i sincerley hope you take the advice given to you. Most of us here have been in your shoes. If you want to win her back acting pathetically weak is not the way to go. At present she thinks you are weak and unattractive cause of your actions to date.

Do a hard 180% listen to the advice of posters here and your lawyer if you really want to fix this. Also more importantly be prepared to walk away and seperate if she fails to come to her senses.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VermiciousKnid said:


> While you're out of the house she's having as much sex as she possibly can with one or more of these men. Moving out is NEVER a smart move.
> 
> With children involved you also need to know that you have abandoned the family home which will kick you in the balls during a divorce if that is where this ends up. First advice, move back home immediately and DO NOT leave again. Once that is complete we can go from there. If you don't do that then don't bother with anything else, you're screwed.
> 
> BTW, I'm a divorce attorney with almost 30 years in the business.


QFT.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Being married to an addict of any sort is no picnic and in many instances it is grounds for a divorce.

It is no excuse for cheating though. She is probably fed up with the most recent event, (I know I would be), she has put up with all the **** for years, then you relapse back to same old same old. She should just have let you hit rock bottom, gave you divorce papers then left. She went about it the wrong way.

She may want to give you a wake up call, but I see you have made your choice too, she is right to separate. We are not talking about run of the mill marriage problems here.
We are talking about a marriage with substance abuse, a deal breaker.
Addicts, Recovering addicts are usually emotionally, mentally and physically unavailable. The fact is living with one, you are never off guard, when they relapse, you must be there to pick up the pieces, its not like being in a normal marriage. Many of you are applying that kind of thinking here.


I love the way the posters here are focusing on the cheating/adultery/running etc. No-one is talking about the giant grey elephant in the room which is SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Marriages are not really marriages when addiction is sitting in the middle. OP's most recent relapse was only in October, don't know why she didn't leave him years ago.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation because my wife keeps on acting irrational. She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence, unfortunately the men in the running groups noticed and showed my wife lots of attention. She had 5 week affair which I knew about from day 1, but she kept denying. When I found the evidence she stopped the affair, but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner, started as just "running", but I know my wife was again making moves on this next guy. I have been an emotional wreck, *because she keeps lieing and does not see what is wrong.* Any way, after a big fight, her mum came down and had talks with my wife, at which point my wife realised how insensitive she has been. We agreed that I would move out for a few months and she would get help. My wife suffers with *obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety,* but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running, but I believe that it may have led to her i*rrational behaviour,* and running was giving her artificial highs. In particular I think her obsessive need to liked, has driven her to do this, at the cost of our relationship. We have 2 young boys, so I am fighting to save my marriage, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and has gone on Prozac 20mg. My hope is that with time, *my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions*. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


Any reason for her anxiety, obsessive behaviours? Any source? OP, you need to be honest with yourself. She has had to handle a recovering heroin addict and then only recently you have been hiding your pill abuse, no wonder she took up running just to get away from you and the **** mess you are creating.

You complain about her lying, what about yours? You have probably spent a lifetime of lying to her, a bit like the kettle calling the pot black here. You have caused her years of pain, frustration (probably why she is on prozac). Please look at yourself first, this is not an ordinary marriage issue, your wife has hit her limit, she is done. Time for both of you to move on, no fixing this one. Do YOU realise the true impact of YOUR drug abuse on her and the family? Pluzzzzzzzzzz


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

aine said:


> Being married to an addict of any sort is no picnic and in many instances it is grounds for a divorce.
> 
> It is no excuse for cheating though. She is probably fed up with the most recent event, (I know I would be), she has put up with all the **** for years, then you relapse back to same old same old. She should just have let you hit rock bottom, gave you divorce papers then left. She went about it the wrong way.
> 
> ...


Uncontrolled substance abuse (drugs or alcohol) is a deal breaker for me. But so is infidelity.

The difference is that he seems to see the pain his problems have caused in the marriage while she has not. Or she may be ready to give up on him. Regardless, she should have divorced before bringing OM into the marriage.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

aine said:


> Being married to an addict of any sort is no picnic and in many instances it is grounds for a divorce.
> 
> It is no excuse for cheating though. She is probably fed up with the most recent event, (I know I would be), she has put up with all the **** for years, then you relapse back to same old same old. She should just have let you hit rock bottom, gave you divorce papers then left. She went about it the wrong way.
> 
> ...


We did not focus initially on his addiction and relapse because he did not mention it up front. 

However, his wife, like you said, should have just left. But she should not be cheating. She should have just divorced. 

And I like you have lived with an addict, and it is a ****ing nightmare. Frankly, I wonder myself how I made it out alive. 

So I am with you on this. He is an addict, relapse, recover, relapse, recover... I don't see how any love can last though that, no matter how great the addict thinks it is. 

The other thing about addicts is how emotionally stunted they are. And I have never seen one, even after a few years sober, that has actually recovered from that. They are still damaged even if they stay sober. 

But I think OP is gone in this thread I don't think he has been back for a while...


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

One word: divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jimeagle said:


> I am currently in my first week of a trial separation .......She starting running which gave have her a massive boost in confidence....She had 5 week affair.....but 3 weeks later started getting involved with another runner.......*My wife suffers with obsessive behaviours, depression and anxiety, but she had reduced her medication, so that she had more energy for running*, but I believe that it may have led to her irrational behaviour, and running was giving her artificial highs.......We have 2 young boys, so *I am fighting to save my marriage*, with the right help we can do this. My wife recognises that there is something wrong and *has gone on Prozac 20mg.* My hope is that with time, my wife will realise the true impact of her recent actions. I know she wants us to work and has made some real changes in the last week, so I am positive about our future.


I think you have connected the dots incorrectly. I think that your wife's medications may have suppressed her libido and when she started running and cut back on her meds she became really horny and you didn't jump in to fill her needs. You might want to talk to her about this in front of a marriage counselor, since you want to save your marriage.

Good luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dragan Jovanovic said:


> One word: divorce.


Yep this is the answer. Sometimes the damage is just too much and it's better for everyone to just start over.


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