# *sigh*.. Time to take action.



## Beendetected (Sep 18, 2016)

My sexy, beautiful woman and I have been together for 5 years. She has brought 2 kids to the relationship, the youngest being 10.
Any physical touching, cuddling stopped abruptly early this year around the same time she started working the name of a new male colleague excitedly into almost every sentence. I reckon I now know him better than his own wife by now. Sex is offered once every 3 months and is so robotic I have to stop as she obviously hates it.
When I try to talk to her about it, she invariably says that she doesn't feel like it.
Fair enough; people and bodies change but the total lack of touching, even holding hands occasionally is getting to me. In bed she stays to the extreme far side with her back to me.
Lately we went on a 2-week cruise together but I simply couldn't find her on the large ship for days in a row. I certainly didn't mind her having plenty of personal space/time but I was worried if she was safe (drinking heavily whilst aboard).
We seem to be merely acquaintances now and I've decided to insist on counselling (she's resistant) or simply go our own ways.
I've been dreading this as the 2 kids have different fathers and I think the 10yo would suffer from yet another change.
Anyway, wish me luck!




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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Beendetected said:


> My sexy, beautiful woman and I have been together for 5 years. She has brought 2 kids to the relationship, the youngest being 10.
> *Any physical touching, cuddling stopped abruptly early this year around the same time she started working the name of a new male colleague excitedly into almost every sentence. I reckon I now know him better than his own wife by now. *Sex is offered once every 3 months and is so robotic I have to stop as she obviously hates it.
> When I try to talk to her about it, she invariably says that she doesn't feel like it.
> Fair enough; people and bodies change but the total lack of touching, even holding hands occasionally is getting to me. In bed she stays to the extreme far side with her back to me.
> ...



You know she's cheating with him, right?

Does his wife know?

You should tell her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's cheating on you. Are you the reason she divorced her last husband? Two kids from two different dads? Why the hell did you get with her?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

A parade of red flags here.

You appear to know what is going on and what you have to do.

Good luck. Stay strong.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

she may not yet be cheating. the typical pattern is she talks about one guy at work a lot, even saying derogatory things about him. Then one day, she stops talking about him at all. THAT is the point it became physical.

it may not be too late to turn it around. the cruise thing does sound pretty bad though.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Beendetected said:


> Anyway, wish me luck!


Wish you luck? Why? 

Weird.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

You don't need luck my man. You need to accept the reality that you're little more than a causation of her stress from thinking of you as both an obstacle and a meal ticket. Her romantic interest in you is gone. At some point, one of you will speak these words, "its no longer working for me". It will be the stronger one of you.
The Oak Ridge Boys explains what you need to do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5CHpPdSsR4


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Beendetected said:


> Lately we went on a 2-week cruise together but *I simply couldn't find her on the large ship for days in a row.*


What? She's missing for *days? *

Did you report her going missing?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Missing for days on a cruise ship? Where did she sleep? Hint... Likely other guys. Lots of sex on cruises.

Seems like you are not married to her. If so... Time to leave. Have best relationship with kids as possible if you want, but in reality she can bar you from seeing them again...

Days on a ship... She's gone.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

two different baby dads and now she's cheating on you. 

BAIL NOW ! She's trash. And thank god you didn't have a kid with her.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Beendetected said:


> My sexy, beautiful woman and I have been together for 5 years. She has brought 2 kids to the relationship, the youngest being 10.
> Any physical touching, cuddling stopped abruptly early this year around the same time she started working the name of a new male colleague excitedly into almost every sentence. I reckon I now know him better than his own wife by now. Sex is offered once every 3 months and is so robotic I have to stop as she obviously hates it.
> When I try to talk to her about it, she invariably says that she doesn't feel like it.
> Fair enough; people and bodies change but the total lack of touching, even holding hands occasionally is getting to me. In bed she stays to the extreme far side with her back to me.
> ...


I wish you the best of luck with finding a highly competent divorce lawyer.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

Fortunately for YOU , it appears you are not in denial of what she is doing and intend on finding out. That puts you at least in some control of your life. 

A few things
(1) do yourself a favor and get to the attorney instantly to know what your rights are. 
(2) get the VAR in her car and remember two things. First, you do not disclose how you know anything and you must be prepared to hear some hurtful things WITHOUT blowing your "cover".
(3) do not threaten her with divorce unless you mean it ( you can stop it anytime you want)

You need to have a dual approach here. The first one is IF, and I say IF , YOU WANT TO MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO RECONCILE. And quite frankly that partially I guess depends on what you find and how she reacts. The second is if you remain certain this is a deal breaker.

If this is a work colleague OM, my guess is your attorney will tell you not to attempt to get her fired because it will cost you more in the long run. But if you do not divorce, she cannot remain in contact with this OM, and we all know there most certainly is an OM.

Now get into CIA mode and find out what you are truly dealing with.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Don't have sex with her. If she gets pregnant by you, you'll be looking at child support for the next eighteen years.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She maybe sexy and beautifull but that's not doing you any good is it? 

Kids are not yours and only wasted 5 years get out. Nothing to salvage here.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Disappeared on a cruise ship for days? Was she tied up somewhere? (Probably, but not against her will)

How is this possible? How is this ACCEPTABLE?

divorce her sorry rear-end. She's cheating on you. MANY casual relationships. Guy at work is least of your worries. 

You shouldn't have gotten involved with someone with a non-traditional relationship history. You know better now. Don't make the same mistake again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

"I certainly didn't mind her having plenty of personal space/time but I was worried if she was safe (drinking heavily whilst aboard)."

Are you for real dude? On what planet is your wife dissappearing for days on a cruise ship equated with letting your wife have plenty of personal space?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> "I certainly didn't mind her having plenty of personal space/time but I was worried if she was safe (drinking heavily whilst aboard)."
> 
> *Are you for real dude? On what planet is your wife dissappearing for days on a cruise ship equated with letting your wife have plenty of personal space?
> *_Posted via Mobile Device_


I admit to glossing over this on first read. 

This is when you alert the captain/ crew and do a thorough search of the ship. She may have fallen overboard and they take that just a wee bit seriously.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I'd bet this cruise was a real fairy tale trip.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hope you are not married to her.

listen to the song 50 ways to leave your (ex) lover.

If you are married, then D now. She is gone. 

Why did she even come back from the cruise?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> I'd bet this cruise was a real fairy tale trip.


Let me rearrange that.

I'd bet this fairy tale was a real cruise. Trip


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You looking to be the third baby-daddy, OP? Come on, man, keep it moving, nothing in this relationship for you. Or maybe you have a cuckold fetish? Do you? C'mon, OP, you can tell us. We don't know you in real life anyway. It won't get out.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If she disappeared for days and you couldn't locate her, then it means she didn't want to be found by you. You may have been foolish to not alert the captain to notify her via the intercom system, but I'm willing to bet she wasn't. She was probably with other people.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

I cannot fathom why you put up with the lack of any and all affection for that length of time. And then she disappears for DAYS on a cruise ship to do god knows what with god knows who?! And then, lol, you chock it up to her needing space without further explanation? She has zero respect for you. Why even go through the motions of counseling? She's done with you, and doing what she pleases until the next sucker comes along. Let her find him sooner! And then ask yourself why you demand so little from a partner. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Wish you luck? Why?
> 
> Weird.


Weird? :wtf:

"Wish me luck" is a common expression under trying circumstances.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Unreal....so many times the CS is cheating on the BS and the BS cheating on themselves with dillusion...so sad

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

bandit.45 said:


> Two kids from two different dads? Why the hell did you get with her?





barbados said:


> two different baby dads and now she's cheating on you.
> 
> BAIL NOW ! She's trash. And thank god you didn't have a kid with her.


My wife has two kids from two different dads. One was when she was young, and (obviously) accidental, and he bailed. The youngest was from an LTR/common law marriage.

Relationships end. Sometimes people have kids during them.

Doesn't make one undesirable, or more along the lines of what you were thinking, I assume - a w***e (given the context of this thread).


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Single mom with 2 kids from 2 different dudes is not a good catch. Especially for a never married childless man. I could see it only being ok if it's a divorced dad with kids. 

I've read too many threads about BHs that marry a single mom and try to be a dad to his WW's kid to only get played out a few years down the road. I've read it also from the WW perspective quite a bit on LS too. Totally making the sacrifices that the BH makes in accepting, providing for, and just being there for a kid that's not his seem unimportant while praising some ********* that now her soulmate.

Does it mean that all single moms are bad? No, just that the risk is high and marriage is tough enough as it is without having to deal with another man's kids. 

OP needs to dump this woman FAST. I don't care how fine she is. To deal with a cold b!tch while you are dealing with her kids? h3ll no. I don't know how old you are but if you're early 30s, you can definitely find a late 20s girl without kids to start a family with your own kids.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> I'd bet this cruise was a real fairy tale trip.


But his avatar is even a picture of his cruise. :wink2::wink2:


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## Beendetected (Sep 18, 2016)

Thnx all. Terminating. Will be strange being single again. Good to be able to "talk" with you mob. Thnx for opening my eyes. I've been a sap. Can see clearly now.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP what did you do did you confront her.? Or did you just tell her you're getting the divorce give us a little bit more information about you and what you have been going through. we're here to help you I know it doesn't sound like it sometimes, but we are actually here to help... keep posting here let's know it's going on we can help you out, sorry that you're going through this situation with your Supertramp of a wife.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jsmart said:


> Single mom with 2 kids from 2 different dudes is not a good catch. Especially for a never married childless man. I could see it only being ok if it's a divorced dad with kids.
> 
> I've read too many threads about BHs that marry a single mom and try to be a dad to his WW's kid to only get played out a few years down the road. I've read it also from the WW perspective quite a bit on LS too. Totally making the sacrifices that the BH makes in accepting, providing for, and just being there for a kid that's not his seem unimportant while praising some ********* that now her soulmate.
> 
> Does it mean that all single moms are bad? No, just that the risk is high and marriage is tough enough as it is without having to deal with another man's kids.


She was a good catch for me.

I agree that it's a little more 'work', but for many, it's worth it.

If the single parent you start dating introduces you to the kids immediately, you may want to think long and hard about their motives. For me, I didn't meet them for the first couple of months. It's really up to the individual to decide if this person is looking for a parent for their kids, or financial support, or something else. Anyone with half a brain can usually figure this out.

Most of us come with baggage of some sort. It's the other person's prerogative whether they want to deal with it or not. A lot of the baggage is unavoidable. Life happens. Accidents happen. Divorces happen. So my wife got pregnant while young and decided to keep the baby. She contemplated not doing so. Her second wasn't an accident, and was with someone she was with long term.

For the record, there are single fathers out there, too. I know one. Mom's not around. I see first hand the attitudes women have towards single dads, raising a child on their own. It's FAR different then how many men view single moms.

I think it's an indictment of our society when we view single mothers as undesirable, whereas single dads are practically heroes.

A man raising a child on his own because the mother is a waste of space is some kind of saint. A woman raising a child on her own because the father is a waste of space? She made a mistake. Or sleeps around. Or made a bad choice in boyfriends.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

alexm said:


> She was a good catch for me.
> 
> I agree that it's a little more 'work', but for many, it's worth it.
> 
> ...


Some of this is likely because it's so difficult for a man to get sole custody. It's like he's a government certified good man. While in most states, for a woman to get sole custody just requires her to take a few simple steps and tell a few simple lies.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Nucking Futs said:


> Some of this is likely because it's so difficult for a man to get sole custody. It's like he's a government certified good man. While in most states, for a woman to get sole custody just requires her to take a few simple steps and tell a few simple lies.


And that's how many people view single mothers, unfortunately.

Again, THEY must be the bad people in that story. They slept around, or chose the wrong sexual partner (or relationship), or they lied to get custody. Obviously you don't think that of all single mothers, but just the term 'single mother' is enough to make many men make assumptions. And some women, too. It's sad, really.

Sure, people do this sort of thing, and it sucks. But it's also women who have little choice when a pregnancy occurs. The man doesn't carry the baby. The man doesn't give birth. And more often than not, it's the man who takes off, bails on the situation, or otherwise leaves the woman holding a baby. Because he CAN. The woman starts having second thoughts, or panics, well, too bad. No matter how much she may WANT to, she can't.

And this is the way it's been for eons - women are judged one way, and men another. We men have this uncanny ability to impregnate women and **** off. Women don't get that 'luxury'. The only way the woman gets out of it is to do something that is unthinkable to many, unsavory to most, and often illegal in many parts of the world. Sperm donor father? "Nope, I'm out of here, good luck". The woman gets judged because she can't hide it. The man can disappear for life.

Comments like "Two baby daddy's? She's trash, dump her!" Just another in a long, long list of ways men judge women sexually.

My wife, like almost all women, certainly did not plan on being pregnant at 21, while in college, by a guy she happened to be dating at the time. Talk about throwing a wrench into future plans. Didn't affect buddy-boy in the slightest. He just moved. She also did not plan on finding herself single after having a second child (planned), with somebody she had been with for years, either, and was common-law with. But he had different plans. So she found herself single, with two kids to raise in her early 30's. But according to many, she's damaged goods, or it's her fault, or many other assumptions.

How dare you have sex with two men that resulted in pregnancy? You're no longer worthy of marriage or any meaningful relationship! How many dudes can impregnate a woman and **** off, and simply tell their future spouse that they have a child from a previous relationship, but they don't see them any more (or never did), and totally not be judged? Most of them, that's how many.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Very true points...but there is a difference between intentional pregnancy and accidental.....women can and should always use multiple methods of protection available to avoid unplanned pregnancy from men they don't see as family material, or are just having casual sex with. Using no protection in the haste of excitement has consequences both parties should be old enough to fully understand....

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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Beendetected said:


> My sexy, beautiful woman and I have been together for 5 years.


Get her off this pedestal now. Looks fade and its clouding your judgment. Clearly her sex rank is much higher than yours. You must be her beta provider.



Beendetected said:


> Any physical touching, cuddling stopped abruptly early this year around the same time she started working the name of a new male colleague excitedly into almost every sentence. I reckon I now know him better than his own wife by now. Sex is offered once every 3 months and is so robotic I have to stop as she obviously hates it.
> When I try to talk to her about it, she invariably says that she doesn't feel like it.


Your sexy, beautiful woman is fvcking someone else. You get duty sex, he gets the porn style. 



Beendetected said:


> Fair enough; people and bodies change but the total lack of touching, even holding hands occasionally is getting to me. In bed she stays to the extreme far side with her back to me.


Don't be naïve see above. She's repulsed by you because of him.



Beendetected said:


> Lately we went on a 2-week cruise together but I simply couldn't find her on the large ship for days in a row. I certainly didn't mind her having plenty of personal space/time but I was worried if she was safe (drinking heavily whilst aboard).


Again, she's repulsed by you because of him. That's why she hides.



Beendetected said:


> I've been dreading this as the 2 kids have different fathers and I think the 10yo would suffer from yet another change.


Not to be cold but her kids are not your problem. You are simply a beta provider she sought out to raise her alpha's offspring. Now she's screwing another alpha behind your back. 



Beendetected said:


> Anyway, wish me luck!


I don't wish you luck. I wish you'd WAKE UP, take my advice and DUMP HER immediately. You've been played for a fool and a ****.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think there's little that you can do at this point. You could try to win her back but why? She's definitely the type that will just be after someone else later on anyway. The best you can do now is just chalk this one up to a mistake and let her go. Even if you wanted to, I don't think there's anyway to repair the damage already done.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alexm said:


> My wife has two kids from two different dads. One was when she was young, and (obviously) accidental, and he bailed. The youngest was from an LTR/common law marriage.
> 
> Relationships end. Sometimes people have kids during them.
> 
> Doesn't make one undesirable, or more along the lines of what you were thinking, I assume - a w***e (given the context of this thread).


My first girlfriend had a lovely little girl who I had bonded with. 

My second girlfriend had three children ranging from 12 to 5 years.

I proposed marriage to her.

Had she not dumped me for a woman I would have married her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anyone calling another member a cuckold or a cuckqueen runs the risk of a ban.

Please be aware of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

CantBelieveThis said:


> Very true points...but there is a difference between intentional pregnancy and accidental.....women can and should always use multiple methods of protection available to avoid unplanned pregnancy from men they don't see as family material, or are just having casual sex with. Using no protection in the haste of excitement has consequences both parties should be old enough to fully understand....
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


There are two people accountable for birth control.

And who says protection wasn't used in most cases? There's no fool-proof method.

Again, the woman is getting the blame for this, generally speaking, and that's my point. Not only do men blame women for unplanned pregnancies, they're the ones who get stigmatized, while the guy gets off scott-free.

You know how many people in the past 8 years or so have told me I'm such a great guy for being a step-dad to somebody else's kids? It's crazy. I heard that numerous times before I asked my wife how many times people told her she was such a great woman for raising those kids on her own. The answer - never.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> Most of us come with baggage of some sort.


Ain't THAT the truth. still, you want to go into these things with both eyes open.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Talker67 said:


> Ain't THAT the truth. still, you want to go into these things with both eyes open.


Of course you do. I sure did. I knew going in that my wife had two kids from two different fathers, but it was open for discussion by her. It was clear from the get-go she wasn't just looking for a baby-daddy or a father-figure for them.

It's the assumption by many (mostly men) that this is the case, therefore it becomes a 10-foot-pole situation before it even gets off the ground.

My point, and I stand by it, is that single DADS get all kinds of attention (and action), because they're somehow heroes for being single dads. Single mothers, on the other hand, are stigmatized right from the get-go. THEY made mistakes or lack judgement. It's THEIR fault they got pregnant. It's their fault the guy ****ed off, because they didn't choose a suitable partner. Or even more concerning - that they're 'easy'.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

alexm said:


> There are two people accountable for birth control.
> 
> And who says protection wasn't used in most cases? There's no fool-proof method.
> 
> ...


Most single mothers don't get accolades for raising their kids because A) they are the ones who chose to carry to term and keep said kids and B) they are, as parents, obigated to care for their biological chidren. Step parents get accolades because they are accepting responsibility for a child or children that they were not involved in creating or keeping and have no obligation to whatsoever.

Alex, wasit an earlier post of yours that mentioned single dads being government certified good guys? Cuz I have some stories... Sometimes, single dads are simply the lesser of two evils. 

Also, as hypocritical as it is, I never seriously dated single fathers. FWB or ONS, fine. But date with intent? Nope. I simply don't want to ever deal with another woman's kids or Baby Momma Drama.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Most single mothers don't get accolades for raising their kids because A) they are the ones who chose to carry to term and keep said kids and B) they are, as parents, obigated to care for their biological chidren. Step parents get accolades because they are accepting responsibility for a child or children that they were not involved in creating or keeping and have no obligation to whatsoever.
> 
> *Alex, wasit an earlier post of yours that mentioned single dads being government certified good guys?* Cuz I have some stories... Sometimes, single dads are simply the lesser of two evils.
> 
> Also, as hypocritical as it is, I never seriously dated single fathers. FWB or ONS, fine. But date with intent? Nope. I simply don't want to ever deal with another woman's kids or Baby Momma Drama.


That was me, and I didn't say they _are_ government certified good guys, I said due to the difficulty of a man getting custody they _appear_ to be government certified good guys. In reality they're just better than the mother would have been, but if it got that far in the first place that would be a pretty low bar.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

alexm said:


> There are two people accountable for birth control.


I don't see it that it happens that way, the woman has far greater risk and toll on her life, screw accountability, the guy usually runs off and disappears. Enforcement is the key, woman on the pill and woman makes man use protection, man doesn't want to use protection then man GTFO


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I don't see it that it happens that way, the woman has far greater risk and toll on her life, screw accountability, the guy usually runs off and disappears. Enforcement is the key, woman on the pill and woman makes man use protection, man doesn't want to use protection then man GTFO


Not all pregnancies are caused by not using birth control. Which is, again, one of the assumptions made by people (generally men) towards single mothers.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Maybe I am way off base here, but I do not see the words "wife" nor "marriage" in OP's posts.

Are you married to this woman or are you living together. Advice here may change according to what the situation is. If not married, just move on with your life without her and all the drama she brings to a relationship. She has no legal hold on you.


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