# I have no one in my life that I can talk to, I feel really lost



## coralstarfish (Sep 10, 2011)

I moved here for my husband, I got my resident card, will probably apply for citizenship in less than a year, I've been here almost three now.

My husband has anxiety and depression, I likewise have anxiety and depression - I also have inattentive type ADHD and binge eating disorder.

Because of my anxiety I struggle to make friends, I don't really have anyone over here that I call a friend - I don't really enjoy the company of my work colleagues, he has a very small group of friends and family (you can count them on your fingers).

Everything is very black and white with him - the main issues being:


I don't have a license so he drives me to work. I have a bit of a driving phobia that I'm working on in therapy - he doesn't think that going to therapy counts unless you're making actual physical changes to go along with it. He works one day a week after he drops me off at work, he has had trouble finding similar small jobs and says he can't do anything else because my hours prevent him

I have trouble getting 8 hours a night on weeknights because I always have a million things I still want to do, and he has insomnia. He always wants me to be in bed before him, with more than 8 hours to spare until we need to get up because he has trouble FALLING asleep so he ends up getting less than 8 hours even if I'm in bed by 11:00pm (to wake at 7:00am). He won't wear earplugs because he's too paranoid and we don't want to sleep in separate beds, but if he's not wearing earplugs and I come in after him he wakes up (hence him wanting me to be in bed before him), he gets so mad about this that even if I AM in bed before him, if I am playing with my phone or my tablet when he comes in we fight because he says I'm always on it - not sure why that affects him when he's NOT IN THE ROOM... but anyway...

He wants me to be healthier, he's gained about 10lbs being with me and because his grandmother died from obesity related problems he worries he'll have to see me go through the same thing - but I'm so depressed I have trouble keeping a routine (not to mention the B.E.D. causes me to binge even when I'm working out - I'm WORKING ON IT).

He gets upset that I don't do anything, but if I ask him what he wants to do, he never suggests anything. He complains that I'm wasting my life because I don't have any goals, and you know, I DON'T have any goals, and it's scary and depressing because nothing really excites me or motivates me - I have no idea what I want to do with my life and him being mad at me for not knowing what I want in life exacerbates the problem.

Anyway... we're not talking right now because I told him I think we should get couples therapy, we were arguing and when I suggested that he was lashing out at me unfairly when I hadn't actually done anything wrong (which was true! I don't say that if he calls me out on something ****ty that I am ACTUALLY doing) he dragged up a whole bunch of things from the past. I told him I need couples therapy with him or I'm out, because I can't do the fighting anymore, my nerves are shot; and he had the nerve to ask me who I'm ****ing - yeah, great deflecting on his part! For the record, I have been faithful over the course of our relationship.

I don't know what to do, I am so ****ing depressed right now and I have no one to talk to. He's not here, he went driving, I think he's at a friends place. I'm all alone here and even if I wanted to call my family, I can't talk about these things with them because they're so judgmental, I don't get balanced feedback from them and they can't keep it to themselves.

I don't know what to do. He refuses to go to couples therapy with me because he doesn't think he has a communication problem and I don't think I can do this anymore without it.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through your current challenges coralstarfish. I understand that couples therapy is very important. Is there a way you can talk with your therapist and see what he/she suggests? 

It sounds as if you do have a goal. It sounds as if creating a better marriage is something that you desire to pursue. You really can pursue that with or without him. Although of course it's much nicer to feel that he's involved as well, but entirely possible to do it without him. You see, if you make changes, he will need to respond to you differently and that could be the start of some improvements for you.

Hang in there sweetie!


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