# I decided to listen to him...now what?



## mosquito (May 23, 2012)

I don't know how many of you have experienced this, but I'll take my shot anyway. Sometimes I feel like my spouse of 5 years is manipulating me - but sometimes I feel he's right. I've no idea if I'm being manipulated, but I have the feeling it's worth to try to improve.

He said he feels like I'm not being mature enough - I take offense easily and I am quite emotional. I know that's not a fun personality to be around. Well, today I decided that he may be right and I may be a bit immature - but I have no idea how to fix this.

I don't want to be perceived as the "child" in the relationship. I want to change it. But how?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sounds like you have an anxiety disorder--I'm not an m.d., of course. But I would talk to your doctor first to rule out any medical concerns. 

I understand that he may have some insight, but YOU might too. My alarm bells go off anytime some tells you, "You're too sensitive," or "you are over reacting." If you think he has been verbally abusive, there may be some merit to that. If you feel manipulated, there may be some merit to that, too.

Definitely see a marriage counselor together for a reality check. If he won't go, go yourself.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mosquito, I agree with every word Sisters said. 

One thing about your post seriously caught my attention... Why are you worried about living up to his (or anyone else's) standards? What are YOUR standards, and do you live up to them?


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Kathy hit the nail on the head. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. You don't have to mold yourself to fit any social ideal. You may choose to, because otherwise there may be consequences, but usually the freedom you feel from being yourself more than pays for itself.


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

guess the other posters arent religous.

you do have to answer to your husband and answer to him. 
He is your head.


he has to love you and be patient with you.

which means he really needs to watch himself and not criticize you and provide support instead. But no one is perfect and you should remind him of his responsibility 

if there is something you dont know, he should teach you.

he should be providing emotional support and security to you.


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

GetTough said:


> Kathy hit the nail on the head. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. You don't have to mold yourself to fit any social ideal. You may choose to, because otherwise there may be consequences, but usually the freedom you feel from being yourself more than pays for itself.


sorry, but my wife answers to me.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

bribrius said:


> guess the other posters arent religous.
> 
> you do have to answer to your husband and answer to him.
> He is your head.
> ...


Bri, you have a unique slant that works for your marriage, but that same slant harms many, many people - especially women. 

All of us should strive to be in the kind of partnership where both people are devoted to each other, but before a person can achieve that, they have to understand themselves and what they want, and they need to feel they're working toward a purpose they believe in. Without that, a relationship *will* develop abusive tendencies.

Notice I said she doesn't "have to" answer to anyone but herself. I chose those words for a reason. We can all choose who to be responsible to/for, but we first have to be responsible to and for our own selves.


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

bribrius said:


> sorry, but my wife answers to me.



That works for you and your wife. It doesn't work for everyone, and some people feel like spouses should be equals, not subordinate. You have your beliefs, and that's fine, but some of your posts to women are causing more harm than good. Your wife sounds very dependent on you and unable to function otherwise. Not everyone feels that's what a good marriage should look like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Bri, you have a unique slant that works for your marriage, but that same slant harms many, many people - especially women.
> 
> All of us should strive to be in the kind of partnership where both people are devoted to each other, but before a person can achieve that, they have to understand themselves and what they want, and they need to feel they're working toward a purpose they believe in. Without that, a relationship *will* develop abusive tendencies.
> 
> Notice I said she doesn't "have to" answer to anyone but herself. I chose those words for a reason. We can all choose who to be responsible to/for, but we first have to be responsible to and for our own selves.


your such a liberal



if she doesnt listen to him he will stop caring about what she does and withdraw (she isnt my problem if she doesnt listen) or overreact which may lead to forms of more verbal abuse (my guess).

Guys first instinct to a woman who doesnt listen is to usually walk. And if they are there they really arent there.


"I Woman, take thee Man, to my wedded husband, 
to have and to hold from this 
day forward, for better for worse,
for richer or poorer, 
in sickness 
and in health, 
to be bonny and buxom at bed and at board, 
to love and to cherish, 
till death us depart, according to God's holy ordinance; and 
thereunto I plight thee my troth." 






"Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance. 

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance. "




there is a reason the wedding vows were what they were for a thousand years isnt there?



I am more tempted to consider the modern theology of marriage some have so undertaken as being and creating the problems we face in marriages today.

The streets are littered with the corpses of failed marriages.


----------



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Not everyone who doesn't believe as you is a liberal or non Christian. Your advice is extreme. You have admitted to marriage problems yourself. So some would say your methods don't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Looser (Jun 13, 2012)

Honestly, there really is nothing anybody can say to help you out because we just don't have enough background information.

Tell us a story about a time you felt you were being manipulated, or were being immature.


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Not everyone who doesn't believe as you is a liberal or non Christian. Your advice is extreme. You have admitted to marriage problems yourself. So some would say your methods don't work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just follow what i believe . That is all. What others choose to do is up to them. 
I really do follow this though. Church, family bible time, i use the internet and a collection of books to research and learn more. I keep a bible in the cars. House bibles, family bibles.

And i really do see things like i say on here, and try to follow it myself.

when my wife was younger she slapped me accross the face, i just looked at her and didnt say a word. She was upset and didnt know how to handle it. Then she slapped me again. I asked her what was wrong. That is all i did was ask her what is wrong. 
She actually became even more mad and said "You just dont care. Nothing i do gets through to you or phases you".

it wasnt that i didnt care, quite the opposite. I cared about what was wrong and what i might have done or failed in that she would be so angry.
Told her she really needed to come to me when she was upset but in a better way.
she never did that again.

Another time she kept saying she was going to kill me, off handly when she was upset. i told her to stop saying that. Some time went by, then she was upset about something again. i went and got a revolver (unloaded but she didnt know the difference) and handed it to her and said go ahead and kill me. I never would have given it to her loaded because if she did shoot me she would get into trouble and i wouldnt want anything to happen to her. She pointed it at me to test me. i just looked at her. Said go ahead if that is really what you want to do. she put it down and never said she would kill me again.

looking back on it now, im pretty happy she grew up and got out of the temper tantrums she was a nightmare when she was younger. But that is how i am, i try to follow and believe what i do. And it isnt that nothing phases me, i just have other concerns that are more important to me that i consider my responsibility.

she isnt like that now. This was years ago. she realized eventually whatever she did that way, she wouldnt win. She couldnt fight with me she only ended up fighting with herself.

Point is, i really try to follow this.


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> That works for you and your wife. It doesn't work for everyone, and some people feel like spouses should be equals, not subordinate. You have your beliefs, and that's fine, but some of your posts to women are causing more harm than good. Your wife sounds very dependent on you and unable to function otherwise. Not everyone feels that's what a good marriage should look like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


people can choose to do whatever they want. we all have our opinions they can take mine with a grain of salt. Im just trying to offer a more fundamentalist viewpoint. I am not trying to offend anyone but offer my viewpoint, that is all.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mosquito said:


> I don't know how many of you have experienced this, but I'll take my shot anyway. Sometimes I feel like my spouse of 5 years is manipulating me - but sometimes I feel he's right. I've no idea if I'm being manipulated, but I have the feeling it's worth to try to improve.
> 
> He said he feels like I'm not being mature enough - I take offense easily and I am quite emotional. I know that's not a fun personality to be around. Well, today I decided that he may be right and I may be a bit immature - but I have no idea how to fix this.
> 
> I don't want to be perceived as the "child" in the relationship. I want to change it. But how?


How old are the two of you?

I think that both husband and wife have an obligation to be the best they can be for each other. They also have an obligation to share what they need with the other and to meet the other's needs.

What are the kinds of things that he is telling you that you are imature about?

What are the things that he would like you to change?


----------



## mosquito (May 23, 2012)

Thanks to all of you for the answers and input. It's nice to see different approaches to marriage from different people.



EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> What are the kinds of things that he is telling you that you are imature about?
> 
> What are the things that he would like you to change?


Well, I'm quite emotional at times, I cry easily (just can't help it, I cry at movies and songs too), but the thing that puts him off is probably the way I try to avoid problems or just run away from troubles. Not that I don't take responsibility, I just seem to give up too easy.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was told for years that i was too sensitive, too emotional...

I believed him because he always seemed so calm and collected.

Looking back, he was highly emotionally abusive and he didn't respect me at all. AT ALL. 

I was not too emotional or too sensitive. I was human and his bullcrap putdowns and 'jokes' were cruel.


----------

