# Can an EA enhance the relationship in the long run?



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Hello once again,

After 8 weeks of agony (and lots of help from this forum) my wife (who had an EA overseas) and I are in good terms. The thoughts still hurts but doesn't help. Anyways, I feel enlightened by this event. Perhaps I was taking the relationship as granted. 

Question for those who have been through this in the long run. Can the enhanced relationship really last? Can it be true that the EA actually helped us be a more loving couple?

M.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

IMO - yes I think it can. I think it all depends on each person's situation/circumstances, of course. 

My H had a EA/PA almost 1 yr ago. We are getting along great, my marriage is better than it's been in years. 

_*Question for those who have been through this in the long run. Can the enhanced relationship really last? Can it be true that the EA actually helped us be a more loving couple?*_

Like I said, it's only been a year for us but that loving, very connected relationship has been flourishing this whole time. Since we've been the through the "worst" of what can happen if you don't take care of your marriage - I think we are wiser. When we do fight/argue now it's not like it was. We usually make up very quickly. (not the resentment/anger that used to last for days) We do things for each other, we listen to each other, when we make love it's with this deep connection & intimacy.......the list goes on and on. 

So, I hate to say that the EA/PA helped because I still wish it would have never happened of course, but in a way - I think it did. I also go back to what our counselor said the first time we met with her. She said that the A was going to be the worst/best thing to ever happen to our marriage. Many couples who surivive an A and make their marriages work, have better stronger marriages than they ever did. 

I have to admit......I think sh'e right!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While it certainly isn't the ideal way to make your marriage better, for those who can work past it, I think it often can make the marriage better. It opens up communication lines that were probably closed and gets old resentments and issues out in the open where they can be discussed and resolved. It also makes, I think, both people realize what they have and what they could lose, and appreciate their partner so much more.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

It's been about a year and a half since I discovered my husband's EA/PA. We are closer than we've ever been. Even as newly weds we weren't as connected as we are today. My husband says it's affected his attitude toward other people,too. He doesn't let little things at work get to him anymore. I think we're both enjoying an inner peace since we've reconciled.

Like Mommy2, I still wish it hadn't happened, but I appreciate the wake up call. And when I read the threads on here about people trying to get the wayward spouses to come back, I appreciate the second chance we've been given. We are so much more conscious of each other's needs and I've never want to go back to the way we were before. Just sorry it took something terrible happening to get us to this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As I'm zooming up on our impending 30th wedding anniversary I have to say that my wife's extended affair and hiding of it's actual length has not resulted in a better marriage.

We remain married but wounded.

The question is kind of like asking a man who's hand has been lopped off if his life is better now that the stump has healed.

Sure, he's found cool hooks to wear and has even figured out how to tie his shoe laces again.

And he's definitely gained an appreciation for what he has lost.

But is his life improved?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Any EYE OPENING experience can enhance a person outook on life. May that be through gratitude, caring, love, inner & outer works and the list goes on.

Could be a near death experience, a death in the family, job loss, affair, sickness, climatic event, religion, a good book, really the list is endless.

So, of course the answer is yes if your marriage or (fill in the blank) was lacking a EYE OPENING experience can definitely change it for the better.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

If we can make it past my wife's EA, then yes I think we will be better than before. Not because of the EA necessarily, but because of the eye-opening experience alone...whatever it would have been. Getting through hard times makes us stronger. It's a natural fact.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It's not the EA that enhances the relationship, it's the effort made and lessons learned during the recovery that makes the marriage stronger. Whether its an EA, PA, abuse or addition, when a marriage reaches critical mass people can recognize how much the marriage means to them and truly commit to it. My wife's EA was the catalyst I needed to see just how much I loved her and how hard I was willing to work on the marriage. We both exerted a lot of effort and withstood a lot of pain in the recovery. We have not and I hope we never will forget the lessons we have learned about our marriage and ourselves. Whenever either of us brings up a concern in our relationship we take it seriously, stop whatever we are doing and listen to each other's needs, concern, gripe.... In some ways our marriage is stronger that it had ever been.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree it can be helpful, it's a hurtful way to realize what is at stake, but on the other hand all doors are open for communication and discussion.....
My marriage is also better now than it has been, maybe ever, I've been in this relationship for 27 years.......
My husband who had the affair is so different now, he has seen the light and realizes what he almost lost.....he now is willing to do whatever it takes to stay on track, we work together and it's working out better than I could have thought it ever would, I don't know where we would be if the affair hadn't happened.....I hate that it happened and it has changed our marriage forever but the future looks promising and happy......
I think your therapist is right it is the worst and the best thing that will happen in the marriage........
I focus on the actions of today and try not to dwell on the past which we all know is tough but something I think is worth it......


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> It's not the EA that enhances the relationship, it's the effort made and lessons learned during the recovery that makes the marriage stronger. Whether its an EA, PA, abuse or addition, when a marriage reaches critical mass people can recognize how much the marriage means to them and truly commit to it. My wife's EA was the catalyst I needed to see just how much I loved her and how hard I was willing to work on the marriage. We both exerted a lot of effort and withstood a lot of pain in the recovery. We have not and I hope we never will forget the lessons we have learned about our marriage and ourselves. Whenever either of us brings up a concern in our relationship we take it seriously, stop whatever we are doing and listen to each other's needs, concern, gripe.... In some ways our marriage is stronger that it had ever been.


:iagree:


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

too early to say in my case, but I have so much hope that if she can disentangle from the affair we will be 100x better than we have ever been. forces you to assess what went wrong on both sides and gives you a chance to have the marriage you want.


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