# Am I being selfish by wanting to leave?



## stljs (Sep 15, 2011)

New to the boards and have liked what I have read so far so hopefully I can get some good advice from you guys!

So here's my story... I'll keep it short and sweet if I can. Married for almost 8 years and we have a 6yo daughter. About 3 years ago we went to marriage counseling after I got laid off and went through a pretty rough patch of depression. During therapy I got to hear what a terrible husband I was and it seemed as if everything was my fault. I began to work my a$$ off to fix things just to have her not notice any changes I've made. As I'm getting my life back "on track" I'm slowly realizing that no matter how many changes I make (seeing a therapist, staying on meds, keeping my new job, going back to school) that she doesn't see anything different in me. I've tried to talk to her about my concerns which include being in a loveless marriage, both physically and emotionally. She will never apologize for anything she does wrong, she never says ILY, we have sex maybe once every month or two, and even my friends have said that she acts more like my sister than wife, ugh. Every time I try to bring up a concern of mine she twists it back to being my fault again. I'm tired just putting up with everything and feel like she does not respect any of my feelings.

I want to leave but can't stand to leave my daughter. I'm to the point of trying separation but I'm afraid that once I leave I will not want to come back at all. 

Advice???


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

There is a sticky in the Men's Clubhouse about Nice Guys and Manning Up.

It sounds to me like your wife lost a lot of feeling for you during the rough patch. You have corrected those issues. The Nice Guy thread gives good advice on how to handle yourself so that she looks at you in a new light.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you raise any of your issues with her in counseling? What was the result? Why did you stop counseling, if you have?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stljs (Sep 15, 2011)

Yes, when I got the chance to. Most of "our" counseling was about her telling everything that I did wrong. When we did discuss my needs all she did was tell the counselor how much she thought she had changed (when she wasn't doing anything different)

Since then I have repeatedly asked to go back to counseling and she says that I'm the only one that needs counseling.

Outside of counseling I've tried to tell her how I feel but it always ends in an argument of her telling me how messed up I am. She never accepts any blame for anything she does wrong in the marriage. I willingly talk about my faults and tell her how and what I've changed but she doesn't seem to think I've done anything.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Wanting to leave is not selfish in itself, but actually doing it would be selfish with respect to your daughter and your wife who needs you no matter how bad she acts.

The only person you can directly effect is yourself. You have seen some results from your efforts and I'm sure you can keep at it and get enough going for you that your wife will notice. Continue to keep it up and she will want to get what you have and will find herself drawn back. Get involved and get yourself going. Don't give up


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## emotionallynumb (Sep 30, 2012)

I understand the whole thing of feeling selfish. I have said the same thing. I feel like im being selfish for wanting to leave, my kids seem happy, my husband acts happy. He says he loves me....questionable. But im not happy so do i have the right to leave and tear all that apart to make me feel better? Yep I know exactly how you feel, just dont know any answers to give you. Sorry!


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