# GUYS OPINION PLEASE... What do you think of my husband?



## nurselove (Sep 4, 2012)

It´s been about a year and a half since I´ve been married and I´m unhappy. He´s never been affectionate and I´m pretty much a bundle of love. We moved away from our hometown and although I have friends living where I am, I still feel lonely.

My husband is currently studying to finish his specialty in medicine so the hours are very demanding and I understand that he´s tired when he comes home. I should probably also mention that he studies and I work, so I´m pretty much bringing home the money. He´s never lived alone, he basically went from his house to ours and has never been in charge of bills and what not, and he also has no idea how much things cost, he just wants something and boom, waits for it to magically appear. Anyways I guess you could say we´ve had "domestic" arguments this past year, which is probably normal...adjusting and all. But after a year and a half we´re constantly having the same fights. I´m tired of repeating the same things to him and I feel like such a ***** every time I call his attention. I understand this situation also annoys him and he pretty much doesn´t want to be at home. 

Also this year all of a sudden all he wants to do is party (keep in mind that he´s doing is specialty). His friends and other doctors in his surrounding are all pretty hardcore...they all get together on any day (even weekdays) and get wasted even if they have to be at the hospital for 24hrs the next day! Obviously I tell him this isn´t a great idea and when he listens to me he grumbles and when he doesn´t, he goes anyway and sometimes doesn´t come home till 5. At first he would just go, and I´d try to be tolerant and not say anything, but it truly bothered me that he would be out so late, not only because I consider it inappropriate, but because of his sake! The next day he´d go to the hospital for 24hr shifts and come back totally tired, go to bed and that was it...no time for us. Eventually I told him it bothered me, and that I at least wished he would take me with, and on days that he had something important the next day he wouldn´t be out till late because I thought it was irresponsible.

Speaking of no time for us, since we´ve been married it´s been like that, no time for us. It´s always his studies, the hospital and when he has time it´s facebook or his buddies. I asked him to spend more time together and he said we already did (watching tv at home while having lunch). Ok so there´s no time for us, because he has to study, right? I can cope with that, but why, when he does have time, does he perfer these other things? This topic plus the domestic fights, have snowballed now into this whole thing...

A few months into our marriage I noticed one night, when he was studying late, I woke up to get a glass of water and he was startled and started clicking away at the computer. This obviously makes me suspicious...so since then I´ve been snooping around (which I probably shouldn´t do if I trust him, right?)...anyway, I search the history and find that he´d been looking at porn, which bothered me because I´m right there in the next room! I told him it also bothered me and asked him to be honest with me, that I perfer he didn´t hide things from me. So a couple of months later I forget a few pills and so he goes out to buy condoms, which we haven´t used in years. So he buys a 3-pack and we use one. Afterwards I store them away in his drawer and don´t think much else of it...another day I´m going through his backpack and find the condoms there, still 2 in the pack. So I´m thinking, this is weird, why would he need condoms in his backpack? So if he doesn´t need them, then he probably won´t notice if I take them out right? So I take them and hide them....A few months go by and I check his backpack again and find ANOTHER 3-pack box of condoms, also with 2 inside, but this time I´m absolutely sure we haven´t used condoms since that last time. So now I´m freaking out...I confront him about it and he calmly says that he has them "just in case", so then I ask, where is the other one? According to him he doesn´t know...

Adicionally on this same day, I read some texts on his phone of a day when I was out of town. I decided to travel because he had this big test coming up and little time to study for it. Before I leave he tells me about this party that some interns are throwing and I ask him if he´s going to go, and he says, "probably not", and I tell him it´s for the best because he has a lot of studying to do...I talk to him on the phone later and I hear him outside...so I ask where are you? and he says "on the balcony" (weird because it´s winter and it´s hella cold), I ask about the party again and he says he´s not going. I tell him that if he REALLY wants to, he should just go, because I don´t want him to lie to me. So he says OK, he´d go for a little while. The next day I talk to him he says the party was ok that he went from like 11pm-3 am. Well the texts on the phone said differently...before we talked he was talking to his buddies about picking them up (around 6pm) and they were getting together about 9 pm...(we talked at around 10:30pm) and then there were text about him coming home at around 5:30, and guess what, the next day he was on shift...lying to me.

So like I said I confront him about the condoms and the party and he confesses that when we talked he was already there, and that he got wasted and drove home drunk at 5:30. I asked again about the condoms and he swore that he didn´t know where the missing condom was, and that he´d never used one or been with someone else. I told him that I was tired of him lying to me and if he had lied about anything else that he´d better tell me. That´s when it hit...

My husband and I dated for 7 years before we got married, and we took each other´s virginity, never been with anyone else...He confessed that at his bachelor party he slept with the stripper. Even after I had cried and begged him to behave at the party and told him I was super worried that something like that could happen. Looking back retrospectively, the sex on our wedding night sucked. I just thought he was tired...but now I know why...

I´m super heartbroken, and can´t think of anything else...he still swears he hasn´t been with anyone else...and he swears that he didn´t even finish with the stripper because he realized what he was doing.

I really do love him, but I don´t want to be an idiot...I don´t wanna lose my marriage, but how can I trust him? I feel like all of this is snowballing and I have no one to turn to...my husband is the one person who knows how to calm me down...but now that the trouble is coming from him...who do I turn to? I know I have my friends, but they also have their lives and I just don´t feel as good with them. 

Am I being an idiot? What can I do to save my marriage?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh dear, its so sad to see you so energised trying to make a marridge work and TBH your H is playing at being single. He now sees some of the things that many young people experience and he wants it. The issue with the condom is significant. I guess you have read that right and what your feeling is actually happending (hes cheating). Whilst you are clearly fighting for your marridge I dont think he is. That will hit home now. You could arrange to see a MC but I suspect he will be to busy..... You need to make the big hit. Come clean and work TOGETHER to save the marridge or continue to lie and suffer the outcome. If hes cheating and I suspect that these parties do have huge opportunities and he appears to have taken them, you need to be prepared that he may want to return to his single life. You cannot save this marridge on your own it takes both and it will take a considerable time for you to actually trust him. Confront, lay down the requirements of working together to make this work OR youll walk.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

nurselove said:


> I really do love him, but I don´t want to be an idiot...I don´t wanna lose my marriage, but how can I trust him? I feel like all of this is snowballing and I have no one to turn to...my husband is the one person who knows how to calm me down...but now that the trouble is coming from him...who do I turn to? I know I have my friends, but they also have their lives and I just don´t feel as good with them.
> 
> Am I being an idiot? What can I do to save my marriage?


First of all, you are not an idiot. Partying all night, unexplained condoms in his bags, and lying about what he is doing? Your husband's behavior gives justified reason to be concerned. 

You say that you are each others first have have been together for a quite a while. Sounds like you all started young and never had the opportunity to go all out and "sow your oats" so to speak. I suspect that he is having a taste of what single life is like in college after being in a relationship for so long. This does not make it right, but a lot of people tend to cut loose in college and do a lot of drinking, socializing, and getting a little friendly with the opposite sex. 

As previously mentioned, it will take BOTH of you want to save the marriage in order for it to succeed. And I don't mean just lip service, it would take completely laying everything out on the table and having a frank discussion of your future. Counseling can help but all parties have to be willing to work on the marriage.

This may be harsh, but don't be surprised if your husband may not want to work on things. Sounds like he is having a good time and he may not want to stop. As much as it hurts, be ready to walk away if he will not change.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree with the other responses and I feel that you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about where you are at and where you want to go, explain to hubby that you are unhappy and that you consider a marriage to be give and take and should only have 2 people involved in it and if he is willing to work on yalls marriage then you are also if not then you should discuss further steps like maybe he needs to leave and you need to serve him papers, if he does want to stay married then MC would be a good place to start


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He is too immature to be married. No children?

I suggest you cut him loose. Seriously.

BUT, if you want to give it a shot, tell him that this is unaceptable behavior and that the partying stops right now or you are going to file.

Is he having sex outside the marriage. Maybe. But even if he is not he is not married. You are.

Cut him loose before there is a child. I don't see this getting any better if you allow it to continue.


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## nurselove (Sep 4, 2012)

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your responses. I hear everything your saying and I think I´ve tried to be as rational about this as I can be.

I gave my husband the ultimatum...either he´s a bachelor or he´s married...and being married implies giving up some things...I told him he was welcome to leave, because I didn´t want to waste my time and that I´m still young enough to start over.

The only thing he did was look at me wild eyed...he says he wants to work it out and that he loves me. I insisted that he tell me the truth about everything and he says there´s nothing else to say. 

Other than the missing condom, there isn´t any other red flags that indicate he´s been with anyone. None of his emails, messages, phone calls...nothing.

We went to a MC the other day, and things went well, but we´re just beginning so who knows what tomorrow will bring. Thanks for your support and I hope to get more insight as to this whole issue.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think the marriage counselling is a fantastic idea. You two have a real disconnect going on. Even if he hasn't been with another woman he is in a way cheating on you. Staying out partying to the point of exhaustion then neglecting you is a form of cheating...particularly when you're the one working. 

Be careful he's not on track to stay with you until he gets his medical degree...then cuts you loose.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

wow, I am not trying to be mean. But let me get this straight. First of all I think he is cheating. Second of all, you are supporting him so he can become a doctor and he seems like he is taking advantage of you. Do you think he might leave when he graduates?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, your husband makes me look like a saint, and I'm a confessed a$$hole... so that's a bit of a worry!


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## Ipman (Sep 11, 2012)

im am really sorry to be so blunt but go find yourself a descent stand up guy because i know that type i'm a guy and i'm telling you that my brother in law is like that and my wife's sister decided to stay and have 2 kids now and trust me it's not any better and she is running away from the problem and depressed as hell.
you might just be scared because he's your first but seems not to care about any of that.


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

one of the hardest things about a relationship is we greive the lossess of our expectations, hopes or dreams of what we had hoped how or what things would look like, feel like or be like. It hurts, makes us sad, angry or if we look in the mirror, would you ever see yourself chasing someone around whose a grown man? If this person was a 3 year old, ok. There are a lot of losses. What is he losing? you are supporting his ass, he's partying thru school, hes getting a great education at YOUR expense. You have hopes for this future of the income this will bring? Really? Mc? Really? He is a con. If someone was threatening the gravy train, they'd say anything to keep the gravy coming. He wants his cake and pie and what ever he wants and you're killing your self giving it to him. Sweetheart, we're not all perfect. You're invading his space because he's not being the husband you had hoped he's be. he may grow up, he may not. More than likely, he's going to dump most of this debt on you and walk away. If going to Marriage Counsling helps, and he starts to change, it would be extremely rare that he would see it the way you see it, it won't come from his heart, or soul. it will come from his head. More loss, more greiving.. You will have to make this choice. We put it on others to make our choice for us. We tell the, if you don't change, I'm leaving, blah,bla,bla.. YOU have 1 life. 1, this one. This is the only time you will be here. I am waiting for a heart transplant. I have spent 12 years in a situation that I wish I had walked away from. I love her, but we are too different. I will never be the happy I wanted to be. that's my fault. I would hate someone to make the same choices and mistakes.. Find someone who wants to show you love.. show you how much they appreciate what your doing for them. He has a really really crappy way of showing his appreciation of showing you the gratititude for what you are doing for him. That is the a huge flag..waving right in your face... stop looking at the little trees..and step back and look at the forest.. All these little trees will show you a bigger picture.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stay with him until he get his diploma and starts making some real money then divorce him. and take him to the cleaners!

if you divorce him now he might be able to take you to the cleaners. as he don't work and has no income.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I was in a similar situation as your husband years ago. I went to graduate school after several years of marriage and several years in the workforce. I will admit that I allowed the college lifestyle to creep back in and about 3/4 of the way into my first year, my wife and I had a real serious conversation. She laid it out for me. I was either going to be the husband I promised to be or we were getting a divorce. No more pretending I was back in college. No more staying out with classmates drinking. I was going to study and focus on the marriage.

I took it to heart. I truly didn't want to separate and it took her initiative for me to realize what I was doing. I was blind to it. I thought things were okay. They weren't and I made immediate changes because I was serious about staying with her. It didn't take 2 seconds for me to make my decision either. I didn't look at her wild eyed either. I cried and began being a better husband and provider immediately.

You give him the same ultimatum my wife gave me and you judge his reaction. If he doesn't immediately promise to make changes and actually START making changes, he doesn't really care and it's time for him to go live with a classmate.

Oh...and no one has condoms "just in case." He cheated on you. So that's the first thing you have to deal with. You don't buy 3 condoms and one just goes missing.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

You married a guy that slept with a hooker during his bachelor party?!? I guess it's danged hard to not marry a doctor :-(. If you had any self respect, you would not have married this little boy. Get out quick!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

nurselove said:


> It´s been about a year and a half since I´ve been married and I´m unhappy. He´s never been affectionate and I´m pretty much a bundle of love. We moved away from our hometown and although I have friends living where I am, I still feel lonely.
> 
> My husband is currently studying to finish his specialty in medicine so the hours are very demanding and I understand that he´s tired when he comes home. I should probably also mention that he studies and I work, so I´m pretty much bringing home the money. He´s never lived alone, he basically went from his house to ours and has never been in charge of bills and what not, and he also has no idea how much things cost, he just wants something and boom, waits for it to magically appear. Anyways I guess you could say we´ve had "domestic" arguments this past year, which is probably normal...adjusting and all. But after a year and a half we´re constantly having the same fights. I´m tired of repeating the same things to him and I feel like such a ***** every time I call his attention. I understand this situation also annoys him and he pretty much doesn´t want to be at home.
> 
> ...


Betrayed wife here. 

The condoms are a big red flag. 

Can you hire a detective to follow him for at least one night? Or, ask him to do a poly. 

I found out about my STBEH''s latest affair when I received anonymous letters with proof positive.

Even when confronted and told I had proof he lied and lied until I showed him the proof. 

We had been married 20 years. 

But in the third year of our marriage I found condoms in his wallet by accident. I wasn't snooping. I moved his wallet and they fell out.

Same scenario as your. We weren't using them. When confronted he made a plausible excuse. I believed it.

There are lots of red flags in your post. My husband did similar things staying out late on supposed Boy's nights out.

I believed all his excuses because I had no proof positive, I wanted to believe and I loved him and trusted him..or wanted to trust him.

I don't know if you are being made a fool of, but it seems highly likely.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

tonyarz said:


> wow, I am not trying to be mean. But let me get this straight. First of all I think he is cheating. Second of all, you are supporting him so he can become a doctor and he seems like he is taking advantage of you. Do you think he might leave when he graduates?


The OP wouldn't be the first woman to finance a medical profession only to be dumped once it was time to begin collecting the riches.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

hookares said:


> The OP wouldn't be the first woman to finance a medical profession only to be dumped once it was time to begin collecting the riches.


Agreed. This is a common scenario in which a man uses a women to finance medical school and then when he gets out and earns big bucks, he cheats. 

I have had several friend who went through this in their 20s and 30s. 

Working their butts off and then when the guy is earning mega bucks, he dumps the faithful, hardworking wife for a gold digger.


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