# Intimacy - All Work and No Play- help!



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

okay for those that don't know my situation I'll do a short recap. 36, married for 10 years, 2 kids ages 7 & 5. I work full time, go to school, coach soccer, help with PTA, etc...
Dh is a sahd since last March. We went through a very rough patch for about 3 years. He was addicted to a game and moody and we argued a lot. My sex drive was high but his was majorly low and we rarely did anything together. Tried to talk to him several times told him I wasn't happy and he shrugged it off. I was on the verge of an EA and I told him about it. This was when he decided to try harder and we did the counseling thing and I decided to stay and try to make it work. However even before EA I had started to back away from him intimately and things just felt awkward and I wasn't attracted to him in that way anymore. 

Now it's been about 7 months and he is a great dad and husband for the most part. He cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, we give each other back rubs and we do a lot of things together as a family such as hiking etc...
However I love him and I think he is an awesome guy and super attractive but just haven't been feeling the passion with him. Not sure we ever had a great passion thing. We even broke up when dating once because he never wanted me and became moody etc...

Well now the tables have turned and he wants it ALL OF THE TIME. I mean it's ALL he talks about. Somehow everything becomes about sex to him. I know I should be thrilled with that but it's never enough for him and it's like he pouts if we don't do it. Every little thing sets him off too and he still throws up the fact that I had a connection with someone else. I get this totally and would probably do the same but at what point if ever does this get better? So last night I did homework then was watching basketball. The dog got up on the couch with me. dh was in the room on pc then took a shower and came out there. I even rubbed his back. Then suddenly he is talking about how I'd rather cuddle with the dog and he's going to bed. He stays in the bedroom a few minutes then comes out and sits on our other couch away from me and falls asleep. He wakes up and suddenly he's stomping around again making comments like "all we do is Rub backs and TALK" and "People have sex when they are married". Then he's pissy. I mean I didn't realize him sitting on another couch sleeping was supposed to turn me on. This morning he's huffy again and gets up early and clanging around. I ask what he's doing and he says "what does it matter". Says he even slept without a shirt like I like and I still didn't try to get sex. I was SLEEPING. geez. He's stomping around turning on lights and off and making noise then 5 minutes later says he wasn't mad or trying to make noise purposely and why don't we have sex. Then he's basically groping me. This is just ONE example. It's like this every few days it seems even if we have sex. IDK what to do now. For some reason I just get mad and take a step backwards and it doesn't make me want to be with him intimately at all. I mean is it just me or if someone is doing that and making a big deal of it all the time does it make it seem so much like work than fun? It shouldn't be something we have to plan out and talk about it should come natural. If you want me to be in the mood then snuggle with me and carress me gently don't stomp around and make rude comments. ugh!


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi BNM,

From a guys perspective! Your husband is doing two things, although maybe more depending upon your situation.

The first is that he associates sex with your admiration of him. This is a common guy thing. Because guys feel closer to their women with sex, he's confusing lack of sex with the perception that you don't love him or find him attractive. so he wants sex all the time for affirmation of your love for him.

The second and most destructive behavior is his passive aggressiveness. When he's not getting sex, he gets angry not because of lack of sex, but the fact that he thinks you don't find him attractive or that you don't admire him. But what he's not realizing is that the more sex he wants and the more passive aggressive he gets, the less sex he's going to get and the more you don't find him attractive. Basically, he's throwing a grown mans version of a temper tantrum. And what women feels attracted to a needy little boy? Well, one that they are married to? Not many.

Now, being a guy, I have absolutely no idea how to give you advise on what to do as a women to assist in a resolution, so I'll leave you to the very excellent advise you'll most likely get from the other ladies in this forum.

As far as your husband, seriously get him to go on this site and read about manning up in the sticky at the top of the Mens forum. However, you asking him to do this tactfully without his little boy getting offended may be tricky. Manning up will help him to stop listening to that little boy inside himself and be the wonderful strong confident husband he was when u met him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

wow thanks Alphaomega. I think you summed it up perfectly. I know that him feeling a little insecure is partially my fault so I've tried to deal with that lightly. He never used to be this way though so it's getting a little hard to take day after day. It's like I never know which mood I'm gonna get from him. He often mentions that I don't find him attractive etc...so I know this has to be how he feels. I try to do things like send him text telling him how much I appreciate what he does etc...during the day as well. Thinking the evening will go better. However then he thinks all day that it means it will get sex at night and he probably would have if he hadn't acted that way. It's a huge turn off for me. Like you said who wants a boy?
I've tried to talk to him and explain that it pushes me away some and he will be okay a few days then right back to it. 
Thanks for your advice maybe I can find away to tactfully get him to read that.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

No. Him feeling insecure is ALL his fault. Real men don't get insecure. They deal with the sh$t in their life like.....well...like a man. If something is bothering him in the relationship then he needs to speak his mind instead of pulling the passive-aggressive card.

When he starts his manning up journey, he'll understand this. he'll find confidence, strength, and be the loving and supportive husband any woman would want to be with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I hope so. Thanks for the advice.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think we need to be a little balanced here. Lets be realistic about what you can expect from a "real man" who knows you were very unhappy with him a while ago. First of all he does feel overall "insecure" about the marriage. And that would likely be true for any "real man" who loves their partner and things have gone pretty far sideways. 

I completely agree his behavior is self defeating. And it isn't fair to you BoardNMom. That said you might want to come to some type understanding with him. 
1. If he is being a whiny jerk during the day/night - sex is not even up for consideration and he needs to not expect it and not initiate it.
2. If he is not being jerky and he approaches you nicely - you will either let him get you in the mood or promise to connect with him the next day. Same rules apply though - if he is a jerk the next day - he can go self pleasure. 

That said - if he needs to better learn how to "get you" in the mood - you firmly explain what he needs to do. If he isn't willing/able to get good at the "warmup" phase - that is his problem not yours. 

The thing is - your drives are very mismatched right now and in general he is feeling really anxious which is making any rejection or even the fear of rejection extra painful for him. Your lack of "innate" desire is painfully obvious to him. Not your fault just a difficult situation. 

If he really is a good guy overall help him out. If not, put him out of his misery. 





BoardNMom said:


> I hope so. Thanks for the advice.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. True. MEM has a better perspective on this than I do, since I find myself getting a little overzealous at times, thinking that everyone thinks like I do.

I can totally see MEMs position on this and it is really great advise.

Thanks MEM!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Thanks MEM. You made some very good points. It seems the whole 14 years we have been together our drives are off a lot. When I want it a lot his drive is low but I back off and his sky rockets. He used to not like to do oral much but now he tries to do it more and more but I almost feel like he's trying to hard and trying to do things he thinks I like. It makes it a little uncomfortable. He also wants to talk about it some and I try to but again it's awkward sometimes and I feel like I'm gonna hurt his feelings by trying to tell him things. I have told him that when he whines and acts like a 5 year old that it turns me off and I don't find pleasure in having sex because the mood is not there. I'm hoping we can work through this and my desire for him will eventually return. If not something is gonna have to give. I just wonder what is most important in a relationship? Being comfortable with someone and knowing they are a good dad and help around the house and a real family man that you trust completely. Or having that chemistry/passion with someone that seems natural. I thought with one I could find the other again but it's been a lot harder than I thought.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> No. Him feeling insecure is ALL his fault. Real men don't get insecure. They deal with the sh$t in their life like.....well...like a man. If something is bothering him in the relationship then he needs to speak his mind instead of pulling the passive-aggressive card.
> 
> When he starts his manning up journey, he'll understand this. he'll find confidence, strength, and be the loving and supportive husband any woman would want to be with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree. You can man up and still feel insecure ...even about sex and attraction. The key is hiding that insecurity from her while moving bravely forward.

What gets me is how women complain all the time about how they want men to share their feelings yet when they do, like this guy, she complains that he's acting like a boy. If you want a man to open up emotionally thenyou have to take the bad with the good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Your commitment is very obvious. I imagine it is draining to have someone ignoring you/not being a considerate lover and then perhaps almost "crowding" you by trying too hard in and out of bed. 

My W is LD - and I am HD. We have bridged the gap with compromise and perhaps some skill as well. 

We played this "game" along the way: I kiss, you kiss. I touch, you touch. She kisses me, the way she wants me to kiss her. She massages, touches me the way she wants me to massage, touch her. After she "shows" I "echo back" and she makes small suggestions or maybe she just moans. 

As for oral, you can always use one of his nipples as a proxy for....

Imagine trying to tell me how to tie my shoes in words instead of just "showing" me. This is kind of like that. 




BoardNMom said:


> Thanks MEM. You made some very good points. It seems the whole 14 years we have been together our drives are off a lot. When I want it a lot his drive is low but I back off and his sky rockets. He used to not like to do oral much but now he tries to do it more and more but I almost feel like he's trying to hard and trying to do things he thinks I like. It makes it a little uncomfortable. He also wants to talk about it some and I try to but again it's awkward sometimes and I feel like I'm gonna hurt his feelings by trying to tell him things. I have told him that when he whines and acts like a 5 year old that it turns me off and I don't find pleasure in having sex because the mood is not there. I'm hoping we can work through this and my desire for him will eventually return. If not something is gonna have to give. I just wonder what is most important in a relationship? Being comfortable with someone and knowing they are a good dad and help around the house and a real family man that you trust completely. Or having that chemistry/passion with someone that seems natural. I thought with one I could find the other again but it's been a lot harder than I thought.


----------



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I realize that IIw but I don't think he has to express how he feels in this manner. Stomping around and making snide comments to me is not working obviously so why not step back and try to talk to me like an adult. I can't read his mind so when he gets on the opposite couch and falls asleep I don't know that he was even thinking of sex. I've explained this to him like an adult and talk to him that way. He goes instantly from one mood to another with no warning and expects me to just know what he wanted. My children aren't even this bad.


----------



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Your commitment is very obvious. I imagine it is draining to have someone ignoring you/not being a considerate lover and then perhaps almost "crowding" you by trying too hard in and out of bed.
> 
> My W is LD - and I am HD. We have bridged the gap with compromise and perhaps some skill as well.
> 
> ...


Again great points and suggestions MEM. Thanks.


----------

