# Need advice with no sex marriage



## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

Hi,

I need some advice. I have been married for 14 years to a wonderful woman, wife, and mother of our six year old boy.
But over the years I have lost my desire to have intimacy with her, and this has affected our marriage.
We, (my wife and I) have discussed this on many occasions. We both know it is because of her physical appearance.
Right now I am in a position where I have thought a lot about either ending this relationship, and starting fresh with someone that I would feel physically attracted and connected. Or stop being selfish and continue in this marriage so that I can be there for her and for our six years old son.
At this point I feel miserable in the intimacy and this has led to some depression.
I need an advice, what should I do?
I love my wife as a person and as a wife, but I don’t feel anything for her as a woman.
On one hand I want to stay with her since it seems to be the right thing to do, but on the other hand I want to look after my happiness elsewhere.

Any good advice will be greatly appreciated.
Am confused.

Thanks,

Raul


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you look for your "happiness" elsewhere that is only temporary. Do you feel doing that is worth the risk of losing your marriage? Or are you missing sex/intimacy so much that you really don't care about the risk? 

My suggestion is, maybe you both need to try marriage counseling. You say it has to do with physical appearance so I'm assuming your wife has put on weight and let her self go? If all other areas in the marriage are ok, then this seems like a fixable situation. Does she know why you have lost desire for her? If so, what has she said?


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
This is good that you are honest about your sexual desire for her. Like trey69 said, does your wife knows what is the reason why you are not attracting to her?
If the only thing that needs some work in your marriage is her physique, then it should be fixable. 
What is your wife ready to do to help this situation? I don't thing so it's under your control to change this aspect of your marriage, but how can you help the situation to get better?
Like you say you can stay for your marriage and your son or go look for your happiness somewhere else. 
Which choice is calling you the most?


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To Trey69,

my wife is 5'4 111 lbs.

She is active and goes to the gym everyday.
I am not complaining that she is fat, in the contrary she is very slender, but how to put this in subtle words..."she has lost some of her feminine silouette"...there I said it.!

I know alot of people are going to judge me as a jerk or ^%%#%$! because of this, but this is how I feel.

I know physical attraction is not as important as love but in my case, I feel such an urge to have sex but don't feel aruosed and this barrier is what is ruining my marriage.

To growtogether,
I am inclined to stay with her and my son (she is a very kind and sweet person, and I adore my little boy), but at the expense of sacrifying my sexual life.

Thanks


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

So you're saying she's too skinny now? Or is it that you're just not attracted to her anymore, and it has nothing to do with her appearance?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So what's her take on your withdrawal? Does she even notice?

I'd have a huge problem with you deciding to cut me off because of some crazy hangup over me not having an hourglass figure. 

What do you do with all that sexual energy if you're not giving it to your wife?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Raul said:


> To Trey69,
> 
> my wife is 5'4 111 lbs.
> 
> ...



Shes lost some of her feminine silhouette? And shes only 111lbs? And you're not attracted to her because of it? :scratchhead:

It sounds like something more is going on here. 

If you have told her why you have lost your attraction to her, what has she said about that?


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To Daydream,
I don't know what I want or what is wrong in my head.
Perhaps I need professional counseling.

When she was shubby I complained that she was fat, when she is skinny I complained that she is too flat!

I honestly love her but this barrier is what is keeping me from having sex with her.
We used to have good sex a while back before my son was born, she was more adventurous in bed, and was willing to try things to spice up the bed, watch porno, toys, positions, and such... but now sex has become dull and stale.
I have to praise her for the patience she has had for so many years putting up with me. Another woman would have left me in a heart beat.
I feel she deserves better than me, but at the same time I want to be able to give her more love and passion.
Am such a mess.!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Are you wishing she was bigger, more voluptuous? Than being smaller framed?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Raul said:


> When she was shubby I complained that she was fat, when she is skinny I complained that she is too flat!
> 
> I honestly love her but this barrier is what is keeping me from having sex with her.
> We used to have good sex a while back before my son was born, she was more adventurous in bed, and was willing to try things to spice up the bed, watch porno, toys, positions, and such... but now sex has become dull and stale.
> ...


Maybe you're looking for that perfect bodied women since you complain whether shes fat or skinny. 

Do you see her in a different light now that she has given birth to your son? You said things were ok until after your son was born. Do you see her more like a mother figure instead of a sexual being? 

Does she want sex from you, as in does she try to approach you but you turn her down? Or does she not want sex from you either?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Raul said:


> To Daydream,
> I don't know what I want or what is wrong in my head.
> Perhaps I need professional counseling.
> 
> ...


It's all in your head.

Seek some counseling for that. I haven't got anything else other than that in the way of advice. I think you're choosing this, so if you want to fix it, you have to make the choice not to.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I also think you should stop watching porn. It's ruining your sex life.


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To trey69,

We discussed my take on not having sexual desires because of her figure, and she told me that's how her body is now.
She said to me that the door was open for me to leave and find a new girl, but that I might not find someone as good hearted and a good wife as her. She deeply regreted that our relationship came to this and that she is very sad about this whole thing. 
I feel like such an a##hole for huring her feelings like this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Raul said:


> To trey69,
> 
> We discussed my take on not having sexual desires because of her figure, and she told me that's how her body is now.
> She said to me that the door was open for me to leave and find a new girl, but that I might not find someone as good hearted and a good wife as her. She deeply regreted that our relationship came to this and that she is very sad about this whole thing.
> *I feel like such an a##hole for huring her feelings like this*.


No sympathy here for that one.

Turn it around... what if your wife told you she didn't want to have sex with YOU anymore because she couldn't stand looking at you? You're too skinny or too fat or whatever? 

Nothing hurts worse than a spouse or someone you love very much rejecting you. The ones doing the rejecting never seem to think about that.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

It could be an emotional disconnect that has caused you to not have sexual feelings for your wife. Is your wife willing to work on your marriage on an emotional level? If she is try MC and read the book together His Needs Her Needs. Sometimes we just go through life doing the motions and forget both couples in the marriage have needs. Maybe when the emotional needs for both partners are met the physical desire may come back.

Everybody goes through ups and downs in a long term marriage. The key to staying married is to recognize the downs and not give up. Find out what brought you to a down and start trying to bring it back to an up. This will only work if BOTH partners are on board.

My husband and I have been married 14 years. We recently went through a really tough time financially. Lost our business, sold our house, audit and bankruptcy. All in 1 year. We totally disconnected. We didn't fight we just disconnected. We realized the only thing we had left was our family. (Took him longer to realize than me.) We are both now trying to reconnect. There are good days and bad days. Now we are hitting a point where there are more good days than bad. Now that we are reconnecting sex has been better than it ever was. I think because we both realized what we almost lost. Good Luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wife is unattractive, compared to who? If you're spending time watching porn, you're getting a very unrealistic standard on what "sexy" is. With fake boobs and a drug problem, your wife might look like those girls. The idea of sex isn't to gratify your own lust. You don't need a wife to do that.


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To Hopefull363,
She has shut down a little emotionally towards me which I don’t blame her.
She is willing to seek professional help. She has suggested that both of us attend a MC session but I am skeptical. Not sure if it will work, besides I feel a bit embarrassed to discuss my problems with a stranger as if I was not mature enough to keep this relationship healthy.
My wife and I have gone through ups and downs for the past 17 years. We dated for 3 years then got married. 
In the beginning things were great, and then my wife started putting on weight. I began to not feel attracted to her sexually. I tried to avoid the issue for 6 years. Until it got out of control and we had to sit down and talk. After that conversation she began to take care of herself and for a year things were really great. We had sex on a regular basis and we also spent lots of time going out and having a good time with friends. Then I guess at some point my wife felt lonely or something but she insisted that we had a baby. I wasn’t ready for a baby because I felt comfortable with the way our relationship was moving along. But anyways, our baby son was born and it was a blessing. At the same time many things changed. We (wife and I) didn’t have the freedom we did before, and that was okay. Having a baby was a thrilling experience. 
As years have passed by, we (wife and I) have gone through some tuff times. She lost the baby weight and began taking care of herself again, but something changed. She began to feel less attracted to me; she did confess that she had no sexual desire for me some time in the past. She also began surrounding herself with new friends. We used to make parties at home and invite both of our friends. On one occasion, she started flirting with a friend in our house while having a party. On another occasion an acquaintance of her had a broken laptop that I volunteered to fix, and found some interesting chatting logs between my wife and him. When I confronted her, she admitted it was just a game that she was playing and nothing serious. I didn’t blame her for anything, but thought to myself that I had unintentionally pushed her to seek emotional gratification from outside our marriage, because I wasn’t giving her enough attention. 
Right now, because of all this, we both have in a way shutdown to each other. Every day I feel her more distant, and she also feels me like I am not there. And this has brought much sorrow to our lives. I love her, and I know she loves me, but I there is something between us that prevent us from being happy.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like some resentment built up on both sides. I think MC would be a good idea too. I understand you are skeptical, but sometimes you have to put your pride aside and let a third partly see if they can help if you want to try and salvage whats left of your marriage.


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To callalilly,

I don't think that I see her as a motherly figure.
Before our son was born we had so much freedom and we were one for each other, now, it is different. We have a son, and things have changed. Our intimacy has diminished. She has also at times expressed not being sexually attracted to me because of all that has happened. And I think that is making it worst.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You started this thread saying you were the one who doesn't find her attractive anymore. Later, you say she feels(felt) the same way. 

Bringing a child into this has complicated things even further. You need to both be in marriage counseling if you want to stay married. If she's willing to do it and save what you have, you owe it to her to try too.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Raul said:


> Hi,
> 
> I need some advice. I have been married for 14 years to a wonderful woman, wife, and mother of our six year old boy.
> But over the years I have lost my desire to have intimacy with her, and this has affected our marriage.
> ...


Wow... you both know it is due to her appearance? Can you imagine how that has made her feel? Her self esteem and confidence are probably in the toilet. Get active together as a family. You made a vow, till death... in sickness and in health (weight I guess would fall under that)... intimacy can be regained and a lot of it is mental.


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To livelaughlovenow,

yes, her self esteem is all the way down and it's because of my rejection.

I never wanted for things to get to this. I am (i think) a good hearted person by nature a good friend, a good man, a good father and a husband that has always been there in her time of need, always. But failed to be there emotionally at times. I have on most occasions thought about my needs and not hers.
I have to admit that on occasions I have critizied how she dresses and whatnot. 
I think there is some resentment in the mix from both sides as well.
MC should be our next stop.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Your marriage is doomed unless you start to get realistic. Resentment is a killer and if your wife knows you're not attracted she'll never be into sex again. I think you've boxed yourself in big time. I also think your trying to hurt her with your comments. 

Peace


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Raul,

If you try the MC, make sure they are the right MC. Sometimes it can really help to talk to a stranger. You may find out new things about your wife and why she feels the way she does. She may also find out new things about you. It can help getting the built up resentments out into the open and turn each of you back towards each other.

Sometimes you just go through the motions and don't really feel. Sounds like you both need to find away to start feeling again. Try the book I mentioned His Needs Her Needs. I found a lot of needs I wasn't meeting for my husband. I also found a lot of needs he wasn't meeting for me. Once I decided to take the first step and met some of the needs I wasn't, I actually got to see him give me a real smile again, not the fake half smirks. It warmed my heart and I was glad I was the first one to take the step to make it right. I haven't read it yet but some posters here recommend the book 5 Love Languages. I hope you both open up and let each other back in.


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## Raul (Apr 23, 2012)

To hopefull363,

how can I tell whether the MC am planning to go is the correct one or not?
Unfortunately, because of my crappy medical insurance, am limited to a handful of options.

I'll check out that book you mention.

Thanks for the tips.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I'll check out that book you mention.


Stop watching porn too while you're at it. If you don't think it has anything to do with your attraction level toward your wife, you're sorely mistaken. 

Some guys can watch it and still lust after their spouse. You don't sound like that kind of guy. It's interfering with your image of her.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Raul,
The grass is not always greener. I agree with the previous poster that said that this seems to be all in your head. Either she is too chubby or too skinny. What did she look like before you had your child? 
There is something more that is going on than just her figure. Have you looked at your own life to see if there is some disatisfaction that is affecting your outlook? Believe me when I say that I understand the importance of being physically attracted and having a strong sexual relationship in marriage but if she is a good a person as you are saying that she is, and if she truly loves you, that is something that you don't find every day, big boobs or no.


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