# Can you change a personality or who you are?



## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

I won't do all the details of my 18yr marriage. I have another post some time ago that was very long with all the details. Short version:
Very verbally abusive husband. Was leaving once - he changes but not all the way just quit cursing me out and all. This time around (lots of little times inbetween) now that I'm once again numb to him - he's gonna change his abusive behavior. He's been working very hard on not snapping, yelling and etc.

But, he's also acting different generally. He's a very quiet guy who enjoys just chilling watching tv and etc. He doesn't like crowds of people. He has never cut a joke or initiated any fun conversation. His conversations are pretty much factual. But this last week on top of his avoiding the verbal abuse he's acting like a totally different person. Making comments about simple little things he'd never ever mention before trying to start conversations. Trying to crack some jokes to be funny. Talking to others more. Getting up and doing more. etc etc.

The abuse is a BEHAVIOR that can most definately be changed if you do it right. But can you REALLY change your personality? I'm a very bubbly hyper down to earth gal. There is no way i could change that about myself. I'd be faking it and not be comfortable. I wonder if he's faking it.

thoughts?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Wait it out and see. More than likely he is doing things to try to get you to react to the abuse that he used to give. He may be trying to get you to a state of vulnerability and of not being numb to him. I agree with you, behaviors can change. Can a personality change? I believe so, but the change usually occurs over the course of a number of years. Nevertheless, wait and see if your husband is able to maintain this change.


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

I know what this is going to sound like but....I'm actually feeling bad feeling about what he's doing. I don't know why. It's like part of me says "yay" he'll be a better person and a better role model for our son who's learned womens roles are to meet your needs and give sexual pleasure and that's about it.

But this other part of me..it almost makes me sick, angry. I feel like "this isn't him, it's fake, he's once again trying to win me back over then will once again revert to what's normal for him" another part of me says "how dare you wait till I can't stand you anymore. To where I'm totally indifferent. I remember telling him about a year ago during a heated conversation I said "mark, please try to be open minded about what's going on and don't wait till i've totally checked out again because by that time you'll have run out of chances.

One may think "he finally gets it and she's still gonna kick him to the curb" that's not it. but i don't know why i'm feeling these negative feelings about his changes. :scratchhead:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

12 years ago I was an angry wife who was snippy and yes I yelled a lot. I was moody, not much fun, and was depressed. I got in IC and so started my path to change.

These days I'm calm, peaceful, happy, FUN and truthfully nothing like the hard person I used to be. So to answer your question yes you can change who you are if you want it bad enough and I did. In my case it wasn't that I changed my basic personality my abusive parents did that. NOW I'm finally the person I should have been all along. Make sense?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes, people can change if they want to change and get to the root of the issue, not just mask it with a smile.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I firmly believe that most abusers do not change. They usually get worse over time.

Abusers are in a totally different camp. It's a behavior so inherent and part of their character/who they are. (*Unless they actually do get help for themselves & see what they are doing as wrong--most don't). Most have zero accountability.

And part of the cycle of abuse is they will be fine, commit to changing, then comes the build up, then the blow up, and then the sweet "honeymoon" phase again.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. 

My ex was an emotional abuser and it did get worse over time.


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