# A moral dilemma...



## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

Ok, it's been a little over a month since the ex-fiancec moved out. She's gradually started to talk with me a lot more, through e-mails and phone calls. Just chit-chatty stuff. She seems to be finding her feet a bit. She tells me she misses me but not in a way right now where she needs me to be her partner again. She wants me to be her friend right now and says it's not that she has her eyes on somebody else...it's just that she doesn't feel like she has the ability to love anybody like that at the moment.

I asked her flat out if she wants to make a clean break and she gets frustrated and says she needs more time. I know it's most certainly a case of "she doesn't want me but she doesn't want to think about losing me". And she certainly still wants me as a friend at this time even though in the long-run, there's no chance in hell that's gonna work for me.

So I soldier on, offer my support and words of wisdom while trying to maintain my own, balanced life of work and play to keep me busy. 

Here's the dilemma of the heart I am facing. We didn't really set guidelines when she moved out. It's a break. But not a break-up. We are doing our own things but still considering our future together. The only thing we agreed upon is that if we would let the other know BEFORE we went around trying to find another home for our hearts. IE, you feel the urge to be single and play the field, you tell the other person it's over THEN do it. 

Obviously I don't know what she is doing with her time. She's a flirt, she likes attention, but she's also a lot more complicated than she appears on the surface. Who the F- knows what she is doing. I try not to dwell on it. If she suddenly wanted me back in her life and appeared to truly want a life with me...I honestly am not going to give her the third degree on what exactly went on during this phase we are in. Of course, if it appears she has led a bunch of guy friends on and they interfere with what I want out of our relationship, there won't be much of a point in continuing things.

Which brings me...to me. I am by far, the most loyal person she has ever been with. I'm loyal to a fault sometimes. I've always made it clear with her that she is the only one who I have eyes for...I may have been so devoted that it eventually became a turn-off and something she could abuse. And I feel like her lack of desire for me at the moment is steadily forcing me to look around and take stock of other women. It doesn't feel right on one hand, I can tell you with great certainty that my heart still belongs to my ex-fiance...yet it also seems completely natural that I maybe just tap into my inner-guy and "look" at what else is out there.

So, there is this woman I know. I wouldn't say a close friend, but an acquaintance. We've been chatting some...and she started to make a move on me. I immediately was like...woah, even if I were single and completely over my ex, I am not ready for another relationship. And, I'm not sure I can really see myself in a relationship with you, regardless. To which she replied that she doesn't want that...that she would like to play and have a no-strings kind of physical relationship with me.

So that was kind of a bombshell and honestly, I would be lying if I said it didn't send my pulse racing a bit. It's been like 5 months since I had sex with my fiance. Her leaving has left my ego bruised. And who's to say she hasn't been finding "temporary" comfort in the arms of somebody else during this time? It would hurt me if she was but I almost feel compelled to do what makes me happy right now because in a way, I could deal with the uncertainty with her better. Almost like a "well, I don't need to worry about her going out and sleeping with somebody anymore because I've done it and I don't want to be a hypocrite".

Does that seem right in a way or am I just making up excuses so that I can do something fun but ultimately shallow and destructive to the entire process? Damned if I do, damned if I don't?


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I'm curious what age you two are. I see 1988 in your username so I would think it references a bday or grad date or something. Just curious though so I understand a little of the dynamics.

One thing I would say for sure is that if your already having issues during the engagement (even if it is now down time), that should be a red flag for you. She seems to be having second thoughts about that commitment and probably called things off because she knew your heart was in a different spot than her own was/is. It may have nothing to do with other guys for her at that point or even now but she obviously got cold feet. 

If it were me, after five months of off time with her, and not being married, I would have moved on. Especially since the arrangement you two made does still sound like one of those let you down softly breakups. You know the line us guys have heard before, "its not you, its me". 

At any rate, you probably need to have a closure conversation with her that says something to the effect, are we going to move forward with our relationship or are we calling it quits. Five months is honestly too long for this temporary break up and I am having doubts about what your true intentions are. Or something like that could be said.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

So do you have any more idea on which way your relationship is headed with your ex-fiance? As New B. mentioned in the above post - it seems as if you have given her time to re-examine what she wants & if she is still unsure it may be time to move on.
Although I am sure this is NOT what you want to hear it may be the reality. 
You mentioned you are loyal which is a great quality & unfortunately hard to come by these days. But as you mentioned, it may be a fault because your ex could use it to "see whats out there", thinking that you would leave her. Maybe you seem to "needy" to her & she needed space? only she knows. . . .
When & if you decide to move on, that may be her wake up call that "hey - maybe I made a mistake & want him back?" Not that you are playing hard to get but sometime you become more attractive when they are afraid of loosing you. 
It's a tough call because I am sure you would love for this to work out, but if it was meant to be it will happen. The good thing is you are not married yet, so if it doesn't work out- you can make a clean break. Better to find out now vs. later is this is the case. 
Best wishes & hope you get some closure on the status of your relationship.
You mentioned you & the x made an agreement that if you were going to start seeing someone else you would let the other one know. You seem to be a man of your word - so I would be true to that promise before you "fool around" with anyone else. 
best wishes . .


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think you talk to her first, just be honest, tell her what you are feeling. You might be surprised sometimes things aren't always what we perceive them to be, I'm sure she is in a comfortable position still having you in the picture, she might want to split but just can't make the move. I think this might get everything on the table and then the 2 of you can make your decisions from there.....good luck


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