# How am I supposed to feel??



## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Ok. I am new here and this will be long but I really need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 3 years (married 2015). We had a stupid argument over scrambled eggs that snowballed into him wanting a physical seperation. The argument started because he made scrambled eggs for himself one morning and I guess decided he liked the way he made his eggs better so since we had to eat breakfast for dinner (both were unemployed and money was low) he told me the way I made the eggs were not right and the way he made them is the correct way. So I got mad and told him well make your own eggs, then that turned into him saying I can't cook breakfast and that if I look it up on Google it will show me that the way he cooks eggs is the correct way. After that I said fine then just cook your own breakfast and we hung up. He came home and got mad cause I made myself food and not him when I told him since I can't cook breakfast then he cook it for himself. I was mad because I been cooking scrambled eggs and he never said he was dissatisfied even when I asked if everything was good.

Well after that he came into the room to confront me about not making him the food and the argument got heated. He said I don't do what he asks and that he's tired of being the bad guy. He said I was spoiled and I told him to stop spoiling me if that's an issue but he said that's how he shows his love and me telling him to stop is like me refusing his love. I tried to apologize and stop arguing cause the whole thing was so stupid but he just didn't want to hear it.

Ever since that situation when I try to talk to him he was extremely distant. When we did talk he told me maybe we should seperate which broke my heart. He said he thinks i need to be alone and work on myself and by me getting my own place and living life on my own will help me be a better woman and be the woman he knows i can be. I was not working and we live with his parents at the moment. My parents live in the next state so I can't just go live with them because they have a full house with my other siblings and their children living with my parents. I don't feel comfortable with being here in his parents house while seperate. I didn't know what to do. I don't want our marraige to fall apart and I don't feel like we need to seperate.

I went to a family reunion and during that alone time i realized that im not happy with myself and I'm not the woman ive always wanted to be. It was very upsetting for me to realize that but I think that's what I needed. When I got back home we had a better conversation and I was hoping he would not want a seperation still but he was still adamant about it. He also said we need to have a therapist that can talk to us together and separately, which I agree with. 

Since that conversation I have been an emotional rollercoaster. I'm so mad at him for wanting this and I'm scared to be on my own since I never have been. I talked to my dad and he feels like it shouldn't have gotten to this point and that I should still try to be a wife to him and maybe he will come around and realize he went too far. That hasn't happened. I still clean and cook for him and try to uphold my duties as a wife minus sex. I have been trying to process this seperation thing and came to terms with it somewhat and started working on myself. I've been trying to better my relationship with God and pray through my issues. It has been working so far and I've been feeling better. I ended up getting a good job that will allow me to be on my own and be ok. 

During all of this I've been casually talking with my husband and telling him my revelations and trying to implement changes in my life. I want him to see I'm trying to change and that I want us to still work. He has opened up to me a little more. 

Well I think we just blurred the lines cause we had sex last night. Before we had sex I tried to get him to stop and talk this over so we don't feel some type of way after but he had a one track mind and I wanted him very badly. We enjoy having sex with eachother and it was a month since we last had sex. This time around it was more passionate than before but afterwards he was distant. It felt so stupid cause I let my desire for him get the best of me and I should've been stronger. We had an argument after the sex cause I wanted him to explain to me what we are doing. He expressed he wants to have sex occasionally but not frequently but he still wants us to be seperate and do things on our own. But I don't understand that and he couldn't explain it. So I ended up getting mad and told him when I get myself together we will see how seperate you want to be from me then. That made him mad and he said well you could be the baddest thing out there but if you don't fix your attitude then I'm done. Then he said that he doesn't think I'm trying to work on myself cause I would have tried harder to keep my anger at bay. 

I'm so confused cause I really have been trying but I'm so mad. I'm a woman and I have emotions and just because I slipped up doesn't mean I'm not trying. I have already throughout this whole marraige changed so many things for him. I'm so mad cause I feel like I set myself up to be used for sex and that's not what I want. I just want my marraige back and my husband to love me. But it seems like he's fed up with me and how I handle things. How do continue on? Am I messing everything up? I don't have any friends and I only have my dad because he's the only one out of my immediate family that understands me. How do I move on from this? I'm sorry this is so long but if anyone can help me I would be so grateful.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anytime one spouse suddenly wants a separation I suspect there's more than 2 people in the relationship. Especially when there's some silly crap that comes up that supposedly leads to the separation. I think he just used the silly argument as an excuse to get you gone. You were USED for sex the other night. 

My advice is to check the phone bill. Get a job. Get a job paying a liveable wage, if possible. Move out. Don't discuss things with him anymore. It's not working. He needs to see some action on your part. He needs to feel the loss of you.

Almost all separations lead to divorce. Just so you know. He doesn't want you to become a better person. He wants to learn to live without you. He possibly wants alone time with an affair partner.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Anytime one spouse suddenly wants a separation I suspect there's more than 2 people in the relationship. Especially when there's some silly crap that comes up that supposedly leads to the separation. I think he just used the silly argument as an excuse to get you gone. You were USED for sex the other night.
> 
> My advice is to check the phone bill. Get a job. Get a job paying a liveable wage, if possible. Move out. Don't discuss things with him anymore. It's not working. He needs to see some action on your part. He needs to feel the loss of you.
> 
> Almost all separations lead to divorce. Just so you know. He doesn't want you to become a better person. He wants to learn to live without you. He possibly wants alone time with an affair partner.


Thanks for your response. I figured he did use me for sex but I wont let that happen again. I guess I'm trying to hold on cause I seemed like he's already moved on in my eyes. I'm so hurt. This is scary for me cause I feel like I'm the only one trying. If he wants to live without me why wont he just say it?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Anytime one spouse suddenly wants a separation I suspect there's more than 2 people in the relationship. Especially when there's some silly crap that comes up that supposedly leads to the separation. I think he just used the silly argument as an excuse to get you gone. You were USED for sex the other night.
> 
> My advice is to check the phone bill. Get a job. Get a job paying a liveable wage, if possible. Move out. Don't discuss things with him anymore. It's not working. He needs to see some action on your part. He needs to feel the loss of you.
> 
> Almost all separations lead to divorce. Just so you know. He doesn't want you to become a better person. He wants to learn to live without you. He possibly wants alone time with an affair partner.


I am a benefit of the doubt person and someone that likes to see the good in a situation but what ER has said above really seems to be the case. We have seen it play out a ton on this board like that and sadly, in my own life, saw the exact same sort of stuff. I saw it in the weeks leading up into when I first found out there was an affair, which would have been a few weeks after it started.

The one big thing I can remember that is similar to this was one Saturday when i went grocery shopping and bought microwave popcorn that was on sale but we already had microwave popcorn. My EW flew off the rails and got outright angry and emotional and none of it added up and she stormed upstairs.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I am a benefit of the doubt person and someone that likes to see the good in a situation but what ER has said above really seems to be the case. We have seen it play out a ton on this board like that and sadly, in my own life, saw the exact same sort of stuff. I saw it in the weeks leading up into when I first found out there was an affair, which would have been a few weeks after it started.
> 
> The one big thing I can remember that is similar to this was one Saturday when i went grocery shopping and bought microwave popcorn that was on sale but we already had microwave popcorn. My EW flew off the rails and got outright angry and emotional and none of it added up and she stormed upstairs.


That really breaks my heart. Hi do I find out if he's cheating on me? How did you find out?


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I hate the way my wife makes scrambled eggs too. If you don't have kids you shouldn't put all your eggs in his basket. Scrambled egg problems are like 1/10,000th of the pressure a child brings into a relationship.

What a weird thing to get a separation over.. I would be laughing at my wifes face if that was the argument that broke the camels back.

You have far more problems than you are mentioning.. or maybe more that you arent even aware of (like poster mentions above)

Time to improve yourself... not for HIM but for yourself. 


PS. Gordon Ramsey has a great scrambled egg recipe.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Thank for the response. I tried to put as much in as I could without making it too long. I admit I don't do things he asks at times and he gets fed up with me. But he refuses to see my efforts. I feel like even if I did everything he wanted it still would not be enough. There is way more I could mention but it would be a lot to type.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Thank for the response. I tried to put as much in as I could without making it too long. I admit I don't do things he asks at times and he gets fed up with me. But he refuses to see my efforts. I feel like even if I did everything he wanted it still would not be enough. There is way more I could mention but it would be a lot to type.


Its hard to say... On the scale of "normal to unrealistic" some people have very different ideas.

My wife keeps my kids fed and clothed, with food done most nights... For me, thats enough to keep me happy. 

BUT I know some men that want food on the table every night and the house cleaned.. etc..... Everyone is different.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Well I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be the stupid one trying and he never cared anyway. It's like he gets mad when I don't understand how he wants to seperate its like he wants me but he don't want me and that confuses me.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> That really breaks my heart. Hi do I find out if he's cheating on me? How did you find out?


My EW would change emotions on a dime but nothing was as drastic as that night, so I sat back and did some reflection that night after I was done being angry about her attitude. I then thought about how 2 weeks earlier, she just wasn't herself. She was distant and very unhappy. Not angry but unhappy and distant and quiet. I had asked what was wrong and she mentioned it was something she had to figure out on her own, which was odd. I then started to think about her new phone habits that included always being by her and in her back pocket.

A few weeks after the incident she left her computer open and she was logged into her email where she chats with her best friend. It said something about telling her best friend that she was going to be with her if I asked one night. That led me on a fact finding mission. She had her phone upstairs but her iPad was downstairs and they sync. I then found text messages she forgot to erase from a few weeks prior that didn't have a ton of details but enough to let me know they were at least kissing and having an emotional affair. Customer of hers and since he is free to roam between any job site in the state and she's outside sales, they were meeting up quite frequently for dates during the day. He was/is married.

After about a day or 2 of being remorseful and very concerned for me, her tune started to change and then went from breaking all contact with him, to he is a good friend and she will be sad to lose him as a friend but needed to keep in contact with him because he was a customer that placed a lot of orders. I was stupid enough to allow the email contact. It quickly went down hill about 2 weeks after that and it went from us getting re-connected to her starting to say things like she was confused and thinks she might be better off alone. This is after 14 years of marriage and 17 years together, with 2 kids a new house and things going 'well'. I thought she started to come through a few weeks after that and then that only lasted a week or 2 and she started to say it just wasn't working for her, it wasn't getting any better but it had NOTHING to do with the guy. I must note, she also had an affair (thought it was only emotional) with him in 2009. 

I could list 10,000,000 details here but it went down further and further each day to where 2 months after D-Day she said the spark was gone and that she couldn't say she loved me anymore. I kept on trying to improve myself and work on things like superman but it was to no avail. A month later she started to talk about divorce, still NOTHING to do with the guy. 

Fast forward to 6 months after D-Day, everything I had suspected and had a gut feeling on was right. She never, not even 2 days after when I first found out, gave up the affair, it just got deeper and deeper and more underground in terms of communication, secret emails, wiping her phone clean before she walked into the door. By the time I found out everything, she was looking at divorce options and how to break free from me and be with her soulmate, even though he never left his wife. What he fed her and what he has done are two separate things. Divorce started in January, finalized, just this Monday. The hurt from the betrayal of the affair was only half of it. The blame shifting and excuses on why it was our marriage and her re-writing of the entire 17 years, hurt as bad, if not worse.

In terms of finding out. Phone records, computer usage, trying to think if his appearance has changed, staying out later, working more, new clothes, new hygiene habits. See if you can think of any changes over the past few months?


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I see a few things that I thought was weird. Like yesterday he cashed a check from his new job for gas money. He. On the phone with me and when he went up to the desk he told the girl this is the last time yall will see me up here and then said hey ill call you back. When he called me back he said that he had to fill out a first time user form. I said ok but I thought that was weird. Also his new job is selling insurance and he has the possibility of making a lot of money. Seems like he has already figured out his life with all the money he will make. This weekend he went out early in the morning and when I woke up and asked him where he went he said I just went out. And he said he took money out but the next day I asked if he had some money and he first said why then told me he ain't have any. I also thought that was weird.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Yeah, he is probably cheating, not that it even really matters anymore. He doesn't want to be with you and it sounds like you will be better off without him anyway. 

How old are you both?

You say you have gotten a decent job, so maybe you can find a roommate and an apartment to share. 

Do you go to church? Maybe someone at your church can help you navigate toward finding a roommate and housing. 

You've got to be able to stand on your own two feet and now is an opportunity to learn to do that.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> Yeah, he is probably cheating, not that it even really matters anymore. He doesn't want to be with you and it sounds like you will be better off without him anyway.
> 
> How old are you both?
> 
> ...


I'm 26 I will be 27 in a week and he's 28. Yea I can get my own place. I just need a few months to save. I guess maybe this is needed for me to be better but I love him so much and its hard to let go. I have been wanting to find a church but I figured ill do that once I leave. I really don't want to be without him though and I don't know how to handle this.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I'm 26 I will be 27 in a week and he's 28. Yea I can get my own place. I just need a few months to save. I guess maybe this is needed for me to be better but I love him so much and its hard to let go. I have been wanting to find a church but I figured ill do that once I leave. I really don't want to be without him though and I don't know how to handle this.


People confuse sentimental feelings for love all the time. People also confuse dysfunctional co-dependence for love all the time. You are just used to being around this fool and you're probably scared. Once you're out on your own, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. And, if you're wise and patient, you may find a decent man to go through life with who will make you wonder why you wasted a single moment on this joker.

There's no need to wait to go to church. Go this weekend. Start meeting people and listen to them. Join a Bible study, women's group, small group...whatever. Pray for wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Ask for guidance and clarity and strength. It will come.

If you can refocus your attention from your [soon-to-be-ex] husband to yourself and a relationship with the Lord, you'll see some dramatic and positive changes very soon. Get yourself a Bible in the NLT version (or look it up online) and just start reading from wherever to wherever. But, every morning when you wake up, before you even get out of bed, read the chapter of Proverbs that corresponds with the date. Today is the 12th so you can read Proverbs 12 and tomorrow is the 13th and you will read Proverbs 13. Every day. And at the end of the month, you start over. Every month. 

You will not only get through this...you will be so much better on the other side of this if you find the right path and stay on it. This is not as much a problem as it is an opportunity.

It will be okay.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> People confuse sentimental feelings for love all the time. People also confuse dysfunctional co-dependence for love all the time. You are just used to being around this fool and you're probably scared. Once you're out on your own, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner. And, if you're wise and patient, you may find a decent man to go through life with who will make you wonder why you wasted a single moment on this joker.
> 
> There's no need to wait to go to church. Go this weekend. Start meeting people and listen to them. Join a Bible study, women's group, small group...whatever. Pray for wisdom, understanding and knowledge. Ask for guidance and clarity and strength. It will come.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much gor the advice. I will look into a church for this weekend. I'll also read psalms as you said. I have been praying and getting closer to God and I was doing so well but then the sex thing happened and I think that set me back. I will just continue as I planned and try to get over him with time.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I see a few things that I thought was weird. Like yesterday he cashed a check from his new job for gas money. He. On the phone with me and when he went up to the desk he told the girl this is the last time yall will see me up here and then said hey ill call you back. When he called me back he said that he had to fill out a first time user form. I said ok but I thought that was weird. Also his new job is selling insurance and he has the possibility of making a lot of money. Seems like he has already figured out his life with all the money he will make. This weekend he went out early in the morning and when I woke up and asked him where he went he said I just went out. And he said he took money out but the next day I asked if he had some money and he first said why then told me he ain't have any. I also thought that was weird.


Couple of things. Usually on the longer posts, I have to re-read several times to get more details that I missed 

First thing, you said to me "I'm so sorry you had to go through that" We don't know each other but the fact that you can show empathy or sympathy when you are going through all of this shows what type of person you are.

At first I was catching all of the red flags of why he was flying off the handle and what you explained in a later post signals even more that he is up to 'no good'. But when I re-read all of the stuff about him blaming you for not living up to your potential and being not the best woman you can be, etc, etc. All classic projection and blame-shifting. If you don't know what projection in this sense is, it's the insecurities and faults he has with himself but he is putting them on you. It's not a great consolation prize but you are not the problem in this relationship. 

If you haven't told his parents already, have a sit down with them and tell them ASAP. Tell your own parents. It doesn't matter if they have a full house or not. Once it's realized what is being done to you, the people that love you will come to your aid, do not be afraid to do that. This is not your fault and when you are back up and riding high and you will be in the future. You can pay it forward.

When you reach out to family and friends see if they can make recommendations to go and talk to someone, a counselor, etc. You are going to need one to help you battle the great lengths and mind games you will be put through.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Thank you very much gor the advice. I will look into a church for this weekend. I'll also read psalms as you said. I have been praying and getting closer to God and I was doing so well but then the sex thing happened and I think that set me back. I will just continue as I planned and try to get over him with time.


Good. Pray, read, eat, sleep, work, and plan. 

I see you wrote "psalms" and maybe that wasn't what you meant to write, so I just wanted to clarify that I am suggesting you read the *Proverbs*. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and they are fairly short, but packed with goodness. They are wonderful nuggets of wisdom and instruction that will soon become a part of you if you keep at it. The Psalms are great, too, but there are many, some can be long, and it is better to read those with an understanding of the historical background and with some guidance and structure so as to comprehend and apply the wisdom in them. So, let's start with the Proverbs and see where it takes you. 

If you need any further help or guidance on this, feel free to send me a PM.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

If I imagine how much I hate eggs and then hear that they are actually causing your marriage to fall apart, i can only despair. 

Why not just talk to him and put a time scale on the help you are going to get from the therapist, then you have a time period to focus on. Then when you go to the therapist you listen to his concerns. Sometimes spouses are shocked to find their spouses seem not to be whom they imagined. He nay not at all be cheating but just wants to assert his authority on you as some men do. If that is the case, you may just need to hive in and let him know it was a stupid thing to insist on. 

But best waiting till he has had his say at the therapist, so you know exactly where he thinks he stands. If I loved him that is what I would do. the issue now is that you will now always be wary of how he reacts to your behaviours. How are you going to deal with that if you get back together? You cannot always give in.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Couple of things. Usually on the longer posts, I have to re-read several times to get more details that I missed
> 
> First thing, you said to me "I'm so sorry you had to go through that" We don't know each other but the fact that you can show empathy or sympathy when you are going through all of this shows what type of person you are.
> 
> ...


Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I told my parents because they are more understanding but we didn't tell his parents yet because 1.they will try to force us to stay together cause the bible says so and 2.not be understanding of the situation. My parents already told me if I need to come back home then come back. My dad also thinks something is weird and that my husband is acting strange. He thinks it's because he has a good job and is on track to make a lot of money and now wants to seperate so that he can have his money to himself. Us having sex just made everything different and now I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I hope he isnt cheating but i do feel like hes afraid to tell me how he truly feels about me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He sent me a text a while ago

He said "Look I'm sorry about last night. Things got escalated. I can respect how you feel and I hope you can respect mine. I don't know how to explain what I mean without hurting your feelings. WHEN I tell you how I feel you don't take it well."

I don't take it well cause it's not clear. I mean how am I supposed to take it if you don't even know how to explain it. He told me after we had sex that he wants to seperate but still occasionally have sex. That's confusing. Idk what that means. I looked up seperation stuff last night and from what I saw it says don't have sex, make the terms clear and seek counseling.


So I told him "Ok. I looked up this seperation thing and I think you need to figure out how you want this to go. I'm not going to take things as well as you think. I'm hurt and confused. So figure out where you want our relationship to go and the terms of this seperation so I can be clear and not put my emotions so heavy on this."

I need to know the actual terms and what he truly wants or this wont go well.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> Good. Pray, read, eat, sleep, work, and plan.
> 
> I see you wrote "psalms" and maybe that wasn't what you meant to write, so I just wanted to clarify that I am suggesting you read the *Proverbs*. There are 31 chapters in Proverbs and they are fairly short, but packed with goodness. They are wonderful nuggets of wisdom and instruction that will soon become a part of you if you keep at it. The Psalms are great, too, but there are many, some can be long, and it is better to read those with an understanding of the historical background and with some guidance and structure so as to comprehend and apply the wisdom in them. So, let's start with the Proverbs and see where it takes you.
> 
> If you need any further help or guidance on this, feel free to send me a PM.


Thank you for your help and yes I meant to say proverbs lol. I talked to my dad to help me find a church in the area and I found one so I will research the church and go on Sunday. I am very scared to visit a church on my own, but I will try and see how it turns out. I will defiantly PM you if I need assistance with the scriptures. 😊


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. I told my parents because they are more understanding but we didn't tell his parents yet because 1.they will try to force us to stay together cause the bible says so and 2.not be understanding of the situation. My parents already told me if I need to come back home then come back. My dad also thinks something is weird and that my husband is acting strange. He thinks it's because he has a good job and is on track to make a lot of money and now wants to seperate so that he can have his money to himself. Us having sex just made everything different and now I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I hope he isnt cheating but i do feel like hes afraid to tell me how he truly feels about me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He sent me a text a while ago
> 
> He said "Look I'm sorry about last night. Things got escalated. I can respect how you feel and I hope you can respect mine. I don't know how to explain what I mean without hurting your feelings. WHEN I tell you how I feel you don't take it well."
> 
> ...


You're giving him all the power. Please do not do that...he does not respect it and is not using it for your benefit.

You need to decide what YOU want and YOU are willing to tolerate and not tolerate. Your life, your well-being, your future....these are not up to him. You're allowing him to manipulate and control you.

You decide the terms of the separation.  You choose and enforce your boundaries. 

I hope someone can come along and explain the 180 to you. It will help you to emotionally disconnect from this joker.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> If I imagine how much I hate eggs and then hear that they are actually causing your marriage to fall apart, i can only despair.
> 
> Why not just talk to him and put a time scale on the help you are going to get from the therapist, then you have a time period to focus on. Then when you go to the therapist you listen to his concerns. Sometimes spouses are shocked to find their spouses seem not to be whom they imagined. He nay not at all be cheating but just wants to assert his authority on you as some men do. If that is the case, you may just need to hive in and let him know it was a stupid thing to insist on.
> 
> But best waiting till he has had his say at the therapist, so you know exactly where he thinks he stands. If I loved him that is what I would do. the issue now is that you will now always be wary of how he reacts to your behaviours. How are you going to deal with that if you get back together? You cannot always give in.


I am willing to wait until counseling to sort everything out but I need him to be more clear with me. I'm not going to let him Lord over me. And I might be being a push over but I need him to be clear with me.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> You're giving him all the power. Please do not do that...he does not respect it and is not using it for your benefit.
> 
> You need to decide what YOU want and YOU are willing to tolerate and not tolerate. Your life, your well-being, your future....these are not up to him. You're allowing him to manipulate and control you.
> 
> ...


Ok. So maybe I'm not trusting myself. I just figured since he asked for the seperation then he should figure out how it goes. I feel very nieve and stupid. There is a lot of things I'm not seeing clearly. What is the 180? I feel like I'm trying my best but because I'm don't know how to handle these things I'm making it worse. I'm really all over the place.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok. So maybe I'm not trusting myself. I just figured since he asked for the seperation then he should figure out how it goes. I feel very nieve and stupid. There is a lot of things I'm not seeing clearly. What is the 180? I feel like I'm trying my best but because I'm don't know how to handle these things I'm making it worse. I'm really all over the place.


Don't feel bad for not understanding how this should go, no one should have to go through this and until you do, you just don't know. 

When I just read about him saying he wants to have sex but be separated. I about fell out of my chair. Tell him boldly "I want to F*** YOU" but without the first three words and add A$$HO&&

This dude has the audacity to try and pull this. Even if you don't plan on staying together, please tell his parents. They may try and keep you together but it's going to put some heat on him that he would rather not have. He's going to push a narrative on them that paints you to be an unfit wife and that he's unhappy. No, he's a douc&&. And most likely a cheater. If his parents are religious, they should not take to kindly that their son wants to have sex with you but not be married.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok. So maybe I'm not trusting myself. I just figured since he asked for the seperation then he should figure out how it goes. I feel very nieve and stupid. There is a lot of things I'm not seeing clearly. What is the 180? I feel like I'm trying my best but because I'm don't know how to handle these things I'm making it worse. I'm really all over the place.


Here's a good explanation of the 180. Read the instructions of what to do and what not to do.

https://affaircare.com/the-180/

You are not stupid. I think you are wise to not speak to his family about this yet. You are living in their home and you know what they will probably say. So, lay low for now until you get your ducks in a row. I think you're very brave for going to church by yourself and I think you will be glad you went.

Since he asked for the separation, you need to protect yourself, not go along with whatever he wants. You need to make all decisions consciously and _to meet your own needs_. He is concerned with himself and getting what he wants, and you are no longer responsible for giving him what he wants or feeling badly when he doesn't get it. He wanted a separation and you can (and should) give him one; but he cannot and should not dictate the terms of the separation or how you are to conduct yourself during it.

You cannot make him love you. You cannot make him do right by you. You can only count on yourself and the Lord for those things. So, let go the idea that you can "nice" him into giving you love. He will only see that as another opportunity to use you.

I need to sign off but will check back here later.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Don't feel bad for not understanding how this should go, no one should have to go through this and until you do, you just don't know.
> 
> When I just read about him saying he wants to have sex but be separated. I about fell out of my chair. Tell him boldly "I want to F*** YOU" but without the first three words and add A$$HO&&
> 
> This dude has the audacity to try and pull this. Even if you don't plan on staying together, please tell his parents. They may try and keep you together but it's going to put some heat on him that he would rather not have. He's going to push a narrative on them that paints you to be an unfit wife and that he's unhappy. No, he's a douc&&. And most likely a cheater. If his parents are religious, they should not take to kindly that their son wants to have sex with you but not be married.


Ok. This is just hard to handle and I guess I just need to start fixing myself and move on. I kind of want to tell his parents just to put the heat on him but by doing that I will also put the heat on myself. I don't too much get along with his mom because she is crazy and I know she will bother me and him about this everyday and try to insert herself where she doest belong. She is very overbearing and i really dont need that added stress.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I don't really care what mode of behavior that a WS displays, when you finally get to the bottom of things, 9 times out of 10 you're going to find the presence of a rancid skunk in the hen house!

Simply translated ~ the WS is covertly busy banging somebody else!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

You are right. The 180 thing will help me a lot. Thank you for that. I guess since I don't want to seperate I might be acting desperate. I will pull back and stand my ground. We are probably going to talk tonight so I will keep updated.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *I don't really care what mode of behavior that a WS displays, when you finally get to the bottom of things, 9 times out of 10 you're going to find the presence of a rancid skunk in the hen house!
> 
> Simply translated ~ the WS is covertly busy banging somebody else!*


I hope that's not true but I'm going to get to the bottom of it. He always told me that if he was to get to a point to cheat on me that he would let me know. I never really believed him on that but I guess we will see.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I hope that's not true but I'm going to get to the bottom of it. He always told me that if he was to get to a point to cheat on me that he would let me know. I never really believed him on that but I guess we will see.


*Try starting with checking his cell phone bills and social media sites!

There may be more truth there than you can stand!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *Try starting with checking his cell phone bills and social media sites!
> 
> There may be more truth there than you can stand!*


So how do I go about doing that. I looked on his Facebook and instagram nothing looks weird but I wouldn't be able to see messages unless I had his phone and since we got new phones idk if he has put a password or anything on it. I had an opportunity to look through his phone last night and the night before that but him possibly cheating was not something I have ever thought about


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> So how do I go about doing that. I looked on his Facebook and instagram nothing looks weird but I wouldn't be able to see messages unless I had his phone and since we got new phones idk if he has put a password or anything on it. I had an opportunity to look through his phone last night and the night before that but him possibly cheating was not something I have ever thought about


*If your cell phones are on a joint account, you can request a usage page detailing the number of calls/texts, the time of day, and the number of minutes. 

If the number of his calls/texts supersedes what he's doing for you, please rest assured that he's likely cheating!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Ok cool. Thank you for the info. I will try but the bill is under his name so idk if I can get that without them informing him. But I will try. If I can get his phone while he's sleep or not around ill check it if I can. He better not be cheating on me cause I done went through too much with him and his family for him to just throw it all away like that.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Listen to what people are telling you here they are always right. I am going through similar things with my wife when she left. She did the same things. Everything was on her terms and we had no boundaries for our separation. She used me for money, sex and comfort of a marrriage at her convenience and i let her thinking it meant our relationship was rebuilding. It wasn’t. 

If he wants to separate then give him what he wants. Separate everything. No sex, set your boundaries for what you will accept, and do a 180. There are lots of red flags here and no marriage should end over eggs. That was a coward excuse. Your pain will get worse if you don’t follow advice. Please take it from someone who has been there and I’m still trying to crawl out of that hole. 



Foolishhearts18 said:


> stillfightingforus said:
> 
> 
> > Couple of things. Usually on the longer posts, I have to re-read several times to get more details that I missed <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>
> ...


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Ra3a369 said:


> Listen to what people are telling you here they are always right. I am going through similar things with my wife when she left. She did the same things. Everything was on her terms and we had no boundaries for our separation. She used me for money, sex and comfort of a marrriage at her convenience and i let her thinking it meant our relationship was rebuilding. It wasn’t.
> 
> If he wants to separate then give him what he wants. Separate everything. No sex, set your boundaries for what you will accept, and do a 180. There are lots of red flags here and no marriage should end over eggs. That was a coward excuse. Your pain will get worse if you don’t follow advice. Please take it from someone who has been there and I’m still trying to crawl out of that hole.
> 
> ...


Thank you for responding. Im sorry your going through this as well. Is the 180 working for you? Was your wife just walling around like everything was fine? Cause thats what he does. I have been thinking about everything and I love him so much but i know that i will be ok. I have goals and im actively trying to change myself. I think he used me last night and now regrets it cause i got attached again. I regret it too but i wont let him use me again. If he is cheating then i hope he has fun cause i will not allow it to bring me down. Im a good woman and i have stuck by him through it all. Hes going to miss me. Hopefully he changes but im not going to try not to stress.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

My wife goes about her days perfectly fine knowing she destroyed me and our family. She thinks this is what is “best”. 180 has been helping me detach. I still think about her a lot but i don’t act on it anymore. Meaning i don’t contact her at all. I have slip ups now and then when she manipulate me back in but I’ve kearned after this last time that’s all it is. Stringing me along for an option. I’ve removed myself from that equation now and I’m just focusing on me and my kids while she self destructs internally. She doesn’t know it yet but one day this is all gonna rip her apart and I’ll be on the other side of it with my middle finger in her face. She destroyed me for months and I’m just now getting back on my feet. One thing i learned is what i thought was a “deep love” for her was really just my own co-dependcy issues that i had to deal with. Get some IC, keep going to church, get in a life group, make some friends, do things you like to do. You will have hard days, somewhat ok days, and some good days. Just know it’s part of a long process. The longer you drag it out the more it will hurt. You are in the early stages i suggest 180 and detach now. You can’t change him or this situation, but you can change you and how you deal with it. 



Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > Listen to what people are telling you here they are always right. I am going through similar things with my wife when she left. She did the same things. Everything was on her terms and we had no boundaries for our separation. She used me for money, sex and comfort of a marrriage at her convenience and i let her thinking it meant our relationship was rebuilding. It wasn’t.
> ...


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Ra3a369 said:


> My wife goes about her days perfectly fine knowing she destroyed me and our family. She thinks this is what is “best”. 180 has been helping me detach. I still think about her a lot but i don’t act on it anymore. Meaning i don’t contact her at all. I have slip ups now and then when she manipulate me back in but I’ve kearned after this last time that’s all it is. Stringing me along for an option. I’ve removed myself from that equation now and I’m just focusing on me and my kids while she self destructs internally. She doesn’t know it yet but one day this is all gonna rip her apart and I’ll be on the other side of it with my middle finger in her face. She destroyed me for months and I’m just now getting back on my feet. One thing i learned is what i thought was a “deep love” for her was really just my own co-dependcy issues that i had to deal with. Get some IC, keep going to church, get in a life group, make some friends, do things you like to do. You will have hard days, somewhat ok days, and some good days. Just know it’s part of a long process. The longer you drag it out the more it will hurt. You are in the early stages i suggest 180 and detach now. You can’t change him or this situation, but you can change you and how you deal with it.


Ok I will do the 180 and detach. I plan on speaking with him tonight to figure out how we will maneuver while I save enough to get out of here. If I can't get out then I might just have to go back home to my parents and rebuild there. I can't believe this is happening to me. I have cried so much these past 3 weeks. I cried myself to sleep last night. I've been crying off and on all day. This is so hard. I go from trying to encourage myself to telling myself I'm stupid for not seeing the signs. Praying is the only thing that kept me afloat.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Praying is the only thing that kept me afloat.


God will see you through this, He is faithful.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Try to not be weak or needy for sex. The last thing you need is to get pregnant. The best thing will be for you to have a fresh start with someone new, and not have to be in contact with your husband because of children.

If he asks for sex, think to yourself, "Why would I do something that makes me feel worse afterwards because he doesn't want to be with me?" and don't give in.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Try to not be weak or needy for sex. The last thing you need is to get pregnant. The best thing will be for you to have a fresh start with someone new, and not have to be in contact with your husband because of children.
> 
> If he asks for sex, think to yourself, "Why would I do something that makes me feel worse afterwards because he doesn't want to be with me?" and don't give in.


You are right. I plan not to have sex with him again and I really don't want to become pregnant. Its going to be hard not to want to have sex though. But im going to remember what you said. Thank you for your response.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Don't listen to him or anyone who tells you that you have to sacrifice yourself, or forgive, or be submissive and know your place as a wife. Your husband is not cherishing you as the Bible commanded him to do.

I was told by a pastor that the God allows divorce over any one of these: 1) adultery 2) abuse 3) abandonment and 4) addiction.

It sounds like you are being emotionally abused, and he is planning on abandoning you. That makes 2 out of 4. All you needed was one.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I hope that's not true but I'm going to get to the bottom of it. He always told me that if he was to get to a point to cheat on me that he would let me know. I never really believed him on that but I guess we will see.


The only time a cheater lets their spouse know they want to cheat is when they suggest having an "open marriage" so both spouses can "play."

Unless he wants to include you in is cheating (open marriage), he is not going to tell you. Especially since he has parents who are part of his life and who would disapprove.

You really need to tell his parents the things he has told you. They need to know who their son has become. They will probably cover for him and rug sweep, but they may surprise you by having sympathy for you and not coming down on you for divorcing him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> So how do I go about doing that. I looked on his Facebook and instagram nothing looks weird but I wouldn't be able to see messages unless I had his phone and since we got new phones idk if he has put a password or anything on it. I had an opportunity to look through his phone last night and the night before that but him possibly cheating was not something I have ever thought about


*Go see your cell phone provider and request copies of your joint cell bills for several months back ~ then sit down with them and then analyze away!

But do not tell him what it is that you're doing!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Update 

Out talk tonight did not go well. First off He asked me what I looked up and I told him the things I found on physical seperation. Well he said what I found was wrong and what he found was more of what he was thinking. He said he found something about in home seperation. He said I should respect that he wants to seperate and that he should respect how I'm feeling about it. Cause that's what the article says. I told him what I found and how it says to not have sex and to be apart from eachother and to get a mediator or therapist and do counseling. Well he said that was wrong and that I didn't read the right stuff. But how was I supposed to know what to find if you wasnt sure of what you wanted or how you wanted to do this yourself? He said he found that article today but he should have sent it to me so I could have a better understanding before he got home. 

I found the article he was talking about and it speaks of a trail seperation. Well I told him well how was I to know what to look up if you wasnt even sure of what you meant yourself. It got worse from there. I got mad cause I'm like youre confusing me. We started arguing. He said that I never listen to him and that I have too much baggage. I told him that he did too but I have been dealing with it. I told him I always try and change for him and he said I don't. He said I don't use my opportunities to be better and that I do the same things all the time. That's not true because I have came a long way from when we first got together. Him and my family and even his family has told me I have bettered myself. He mocked me saying that I always say I try. And the way he mocked me made me so mad I wanted to slap him. But I didn't. He also accused me of being the only one who wanted to have sex and that I persuaded him but how did I persuade you when I tired to stop and talk about if first and you never stopped yourself. We both did that together and we expressed before we did it that we been trying to hold on but we couldn't take it anymore. He also said that he never said that he wanted occasional sex. And after he said that I started to really see how he's trying to manipulate me and make me think I'm the crazy one. 

I told him to tell me how he wanted to do this but he was mad and didn't want to talk. Then when he did talk he said that I need to hurry up and start working so I can be on my own with stuff. He said that if I need the car to ask his parents if I can borrow their car. Because our car is his car until I can take over payments. But we have been paying off that car together for 4 years. He said he will help me with food until I get paid but that's it. 

That really hurt me and after that I just said its time for me to move on. How dare he hold stuff over me and lie on me and mock me. So I sat there and thought for a minute.

I remembered what everyone said in here and I told him to forget all of what he said. I told him that he can just have everything cause I don't want his help. I told him to give me till August so that I can either find a hotel to live at once I get paid or go back home. I see right now I'm not safe here anymore and that there is nothing to work on with him. I just need to leave. He told me that he was going to sell the bed when I'm gone and if I wanted half of the money from it cause we bought it together and I told him to keep that too. If he's already willing to sell our bed then I know it's over. Funny how i can have half of the money for a bed but not share a car that we both. Been paying for together. 

I don't think he was happy that I let him have everything. I think he just wanted to have advantage over me and I refuse to let that happen anymore. I don't intend to continue to work on our marraige anymore. I just want to be free. If I have to start with nothing so that I can build myself up to the woman I know I can be then I will.

I asked him if he will tell his parents and he said yes over the weekend. I already know that he's about to blame me for all of this and then I will have to deal with his crazy mother trying to act like she cares and be in my face every two seconds forcing me to give him another chance and not get a divorce. 

I can't believe this is happening to me and I am so lost but I refuse to be used and abused by this situation.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Don't listen to him or anyone who tells you that you have to sacrifice yourself, or forgive, or be submissive and know your place as a wife. Your husband is not cherishing you as the Bible commanded him to do.
> 
> I was told by a pastor that the God allows divorce over any one of these: 1) adultery 2) abuse 3) abandonment and 4) addiction.
> 
> It sounds like you are being emotionally abused, and he is planning on abandoning you. That makes 2 out of 4. All you needed was one.


Yea I'm not about to deal with this anymore. I'm done with him. I don't intend to make up or work on this relationship any longer.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *Go see your cell phone provider and request copies of your joint cell bills for several months back ~ then sit down with them and then analyze away!
> 
> But do not tell him what it is that you're doing!*


I still might do this while I still have access but if he's cheating he can have it cause I'm totally done.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> *Yea I'm not about to deal with this anymore. I'm done with him. I don't intend to make up or work on this relationship any longer.*


*You should have been "180ing him" all along!

Time to treat him like a mushroom ~ "keep him in the dark and feed him nothing but crap!" Make an appointment with a good family attorney to fully assess your spousal rights!

And for God's sake, to keep your mouth closed to him about what it is that you are doing or investigating!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *You should have been "180ing him" all along!
> 
> Time to treat him like a mushroom ~ "keep him in the dark and feed him nothing but crap!" Make an appointment with a good family attorney to fully assess your spousal rights!
> 
> And for God's sake, to keep your mouth closed to him about what it is that you are doing or investigating!*


What if I can't afford an attorney? He thinks I still want to try but I told him that so I can just gather info on how to get divorced. I might just move back home so I can be far away from him. I just don't want to be here in his parents house.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> What if I can't afford an attorney? He thinks I still want to try but I told him that so I can just gather info on how to get divorced. I might just move back home so I can be far away from him. I just don't want to be here in his parents house.


I live in florida and I can get a simplified dissolution of marriage. I don't want the car or anything ill just get one on my own. We don't have much together so doing a whole court divorce is unnecessary. I don't want nothing from him I just over all of this. I just need time to get myself together as far as living on my own and finding an apartment once I start this new job.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> What if I can't afford an attorney? He thinks I still want to try but I told him that so I can just gather info on how to get divorced. I might just move back home so I can be far away from him. I just don't want to be here in his parents house.


*That's good rationale also! But most family attorney's will afford you a complimentary initial visitation and will try to help you as best they can! 

What state are you married/residing in and what state would you ultimately be relocating to? Also what are your and your husband's ages and are there any children borne of this marriage?*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *That's good rationale also! But most family attorney's will afford you a complimentary initial visitation and will try to help you as best they can!
> 
> What state are you married/residing in and what state would you ultimately be relocating to? Also what are your and your husband's ages and are there any children borne of this marriage?*


I'm in florida my family is in georgia. I'm 26 ill be 27 next week and he is 28. We do not have any children thank goodness


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I'm in florida my family is in georgia. I'm 26 ill be 27 next week and he is 28. We do not have any children thank goodness


*That will make it much easier and less complicated! With only 3+ years of marriage, they'll likely only have to file for divorce on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences!" And they can do that once you've safely relocated out of state!

Get some references and then make the appointment!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *That will make it much easier and less complicated! With only 3+ years of marriage, they'll likely only have to file for divorce on the grounds of "irreconcilable differences!" And they can do that once you've safely relocated out of state!
> 
> Get some references and then make the appointment!*


Ok I will do my research and see what I can do. I'm kind of scared cause something in me still wants to see if he loves me but some of the stuff he said today really hurt me to my core and I just don't know how we could recover from that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok I will do my research and see what I can do. I'm kind of scared cause something in me still wants to see if he loves me but some of the stuff he said today really hurt me to my core and I just don't know how we could recover from that.


*In the meantime, we'll be fastidiously praying for you!*


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *In the meantime, we'll be fastidiously praying for you!*


Thank you for you help and I appriciate any prayers 😊


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Thank you for your help and I appreciate any prayers.
> 
> *That only goes without saying, M'Dear!
> 
> Please know that our Heavenly Father will always be keeping His loving watch upon you!* 😊


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hmmm, if he sells the bed, where is he going to sleep?

Your husband is making up the rules as he goes along because all he really wants is to have you out of the way so he can start dithering with his new love interest under the guise that you're separated so it won't look like he's cheating on you. 

I'd beat him to the punch and tell your MIL that her son wants to separate and for you to move out because he doesn't like the way you cook scrambled eggs. Then thank her for her hospitality and assure her that you will be gone just as soon as you earn enough for a bus ticket home.

Don't try to make sense out of nonsense and don't let him gaslight you - if he tries, laugh and tell him that he is sounding crazy. You will be well rid of this man-child.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Hmmm, if he sells the bed, where is he going to sleep?
> 
> Your husband is making up the rules as he goes along because all he really wants is to have you out of the way so he can start dithering with his new love interest under the guise that you're separated so it won't look like he's cheating on you.
> 
> ...


You know what i never thought about that. If he was cheating on me then he is exactly what I've thought about him. He trying to pretend he cares but I'm starting to see through that. I know he don't like me cause I can feel it. And if he hasn't already had sex with this new person he sed me for it the other night to hold him until he has sex with the other person. Selling that bed really pissed me off cause that means he wants all memories of me gone. So I'm bout to surprise his evil behind with some papers after I figure out my moves and get out of there. I'm not going to tell his mother because she is not an understanding woman. Plus they don't even care about their own son. They blame him for everything and treats his sister better. I have been helping him through this cause it's really bad. It's like they wish bad upon him all the time and doesn't think he will be successful. I have a better support system family wise. My parents show me they care about me. But for the past month his mother has been a little bit too nice to me. She always is trying to make sure I eat or share her food with me or take me with her somewhere. I tell her no everytime because i know she doesn't like me and has never been that nice to me even when things where good. I don't trust her with giving me food either. They are bad people and I know to stay away from them. I thought my soon to be ex husband was different but he's just as evil as they are. I think his mother knows and is happy that im bout to leave and that's why she is being so nice.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Hmmm, if he sells the bed, where is he going to sleep?
> 
> Your husband is making up the rules as he goes along because all he really wants is to have you out of the way so he can start dithering with his new love interest under the guise that you're separated so it won't look like he's cheating on you.
> 
> I'd beat him to the punch and tell your MIL that her son wants to separate and for you to move out because he doesn't like the way you cook scrambled eggs. Then thank her for her hospitality and assure her that you will be gone just as soon as you earn enough for a bus ticket home.


Excellent post! You'll get a lot more SANE advice here, so keep posting and reading her Foolishhearts.

It sounds like he has gaslit you for a very long time, and that he has eroded your self confidence. Google the term "gaslighting." Whenever you feel like he is denying reality, things he said, trying to convince you that you are crazy, that is gaslighting. It manipulative, cruel and abusive. He will keep doing it because that is his go-to selfish method of controlling you.

What was wrong with you in the first place that you needed him and his family to oversee your "improvement?" I'm seriously asking about that question. Were you a drug addict? Mentally unstable? What?

If they did not rescue you from something serious, and if they are not experienced or certified in helping people improve themselves, then you need to stop looking to them for approval and affirmation, and you need to begin to trust yourself.

Read here. You will learn a lot, and it will give you confidence in yourself.

I wouldn't just hand everything over to him, because a couple thousand dollars would be useful to you later. Just don't get emotionally attached to your "things" which it looks like you are already there! Bravo! Tell him that he needs to pay you for your half of the car, since the two of you have been making payments on it.

If you go to a lawyer, he will tell you to sit down with your husband, assess the value of things, and split them equally. If one person wants all the "stuff" then they have to pay the other person the cash value for their 1/2.

If he claims he doesn't want the stuff, start listing it on Craig's list now. I just sold a couple of things on Craig's list this week, and have already gotten a few hundred $ for them. It is easy to do. If you don't know how to use it, PM me and I will walk you through it.

Above all, keep reading and posting here. Don't let him know the website you are on for your own privacy. Get your posts up to 30, and ask that it be moved to the "Private" section, so he won't see it without having his own account and 30 posts! But don't tell him that either.

Your husband is controlling and he will try to find out where you are posting. If he does find this site, and begins to harass you, the Mods won't let him. They will ban him, so don't worry about losing this resource and lifeline.

You're already doing better. Stop listening to any criticisms by him and his family. Moving in with your family, if they are healthy, sounds like a good thing. Before you get into another relationship, work on yourself so you don't choose another husband like him.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Just curious. If you are married and have been for 3 years, why is your husband blaming you for wanting and initiating sex? Sex is good and normal in a marriage. Why is he adverse to it? It sounds like there is actually something wrong with your husband, if he didn't want sex in the first 3 years of your marriage, and being a young man with lots of hormones.

Now that you are educating yourself about separation, and you told him that sex is not engaged in during separation, he realized that you know that his request for sex during separation was off base, so he denied ever having said it. His denial is actually an admission that he realized he was in the wrong. Rather than admitting he was wrong, he told you that he never said it and you that are crazy for thinking he said it. That is a perfect example of gaslighting.

Knowledge is power. Learn what gaslighting is, and call it when you see it. When you recognize he is gaslighting you, refuse to argue with him and don't spend any time trying to convince him that you are not crazy, or that things happened a different way. He knows very well what was said, what was done, etc. When you recognize gaslighting, tell him that you refuse to speak with him when he is gaslighting, because your brain and memory are working just fine.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Excellent post! You'll get a lot more SANE advice here, so keep posting and reading her Foolishhearts.
> 
> It sounds like he has gaslit you for a very long time, and that he has eroded your self confidence. Google the term "gaslighting." Whenever you feel like he is denying reality, things he said, trying to convince you that you are crazy, that is gaslighting. It manipulative, cruel and abusive. He will keep doing it because that is his go-to selfish method of controlling you.
> 
> ...


I was part of a controlling religion more like a cult and he has helped me through that. I guess I never got out of being controlled and he picked up on that and just took over the controll. My life has not been the best and I feel like this is all my fault. I'm about to be 7 and I still don't have my life together. I'm starting to see how controlling he is and I'm so disappointed that I allowed this to happen. I will look into maybe splitting things but I know he will just hold the little bit we have over my head and I just don't want that anymore. All of this is getting overwhelming. Realizing that I've been being weak is never something that I have wanted for my life.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> You know what i never thought about that. If he was cheating on me then he is exactly what I've thought about him. He trying to pretend he cares but I'm starting to see through that. I know he don't like me cause I can feel it. And if he hasn't already had sex with this new person he sed me for it the other night to hold him until he has sex with the other person. Selling that bed really pissed me off cause that means he wants all memories of me gone. So I'm bout to surprise his evil behind with some papers after I figure out my moves and get out of there. I'm not going to tell his mother because she is not an understanding woman. Plus they don't even care about their own son. They blame him for everything and treats his sister better. I have been helping him through this cause it's really bad. It's like they wish bad upon him all the time and doesn't think he will be successful. I have a better support system family wise. My parents show me they care about me. But for the past month his mother has been a little bit too nice to me. She always is trying to make sure I eat or share her food with me or take me with her somewhere. I tell her no everytime because i know she doesn't like me and has never been that nice to me even when things where good. I don't trust her with giving me food either. They are bad people and I know to stay away from them. I thought my soon to be ex husband was different but he's just as evil as they are. I think his mother knows and is happy that im bout to leave and that's why she is being so nice.


So this is just another layer that you can escape by starting anew and still so very young. It's not a given but there's a good chance when you find a good partner that's actually good for you, you will have a genuine loving set of parent-in-laws as well.

Is there some sort of cultural difference between you and your husband/husband's family?


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Foolishhearts18 said:
> 
> 
> > You know what i never thought about that. If he was cheating on me then he is exactly what I've thought about him. He trying to pretend he cares but I'm starting to see through that. I know he don't like me cause I can feel it. And if he hasn't already had sex with this new person he sed me for it the other night to hold him until he has sex with the other person. Selling that bed really pissed me off cause that means he wants all memories of me gone. So I'm bout to surprise his evil behind with some papers after I figure out my moves and get out of there. I'm not going to tell his mother because she is not an understanding woman. Plus they don't even care about their own son. They blame him for everything and treats his sister better. I have been helping him through this cause it's really bad. It's like they wish bad upon him all the time and doesn't think he will be successful. I have a better support system family wise. My parents show me they care about me. But for the past month his mother has been a little bit too nice to me. She always is trying to make sure I eat or share her food with me or take me with her somewhere. I tell her no everytime because i know she doesn't like me and has never been that nice to me even when things where good. I don't trust her with giving me food either. They are bad people and I know to stay away from them. I thought my soon to be ex husband was different but he's just as evil as they are. I think his mother knows and is happy that im bout to leave and that's why she is being so nice.
> ...


No we are the same race but there was a religious difference. I would explain but thats a whole different story in its self. I shouldt have been with him. Im probably better off by myself. I know i could find another husband one day. Im a very attractive woman. I get attention any where i go. But im going to be by myself for a long time so i can change my life and put all of this behind me. All of this is too much to take in.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Just curious. If you are married and have been for 3 years, why is your husband blaming you for wanting and initiating sex? Sex is good and normal in a marriage. Why is he adverse to it? It sounds like there is actually something wrong with your husband, if he didn't want sex in the first 3 years of your marriage, and being a young man with lots of hormones.
> 
> Now that you are educating yourself about separation, and you told him that sex is not engaged in during separation, he realized that you know that his request for sex during separation was off base, so he denied ever having said it. His denial is actually an admission that he realized he was in the wrong. Rather than admitting he was wrong, he told you that he never said it and you that are crazy for thinking he said it. That is a perfect example of gaslighting.
> 
> Knowledge is power. Learn what gaslighting is, and call it when you see it. When you recognize he is gaslighting you, refuse to argue with him and don't spend any time trying to convince him that you are not crazy, or that things happened a different way. He knows very well what was said, what was done, etc. When you recognize gaslighting, tell him that you refuse to speak with him when he is gaslighting, because your brain and memory are working just fine.


We have been having sex through out our marraige like any other couple but i think he wanted to blame me for the whole thing to make me feel like it was all my fault.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

I'm so sorry Foolishhearts18. What a sad situation. Best of luck, be strong.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Stormguy2018 said:


> I'm so sorry Foolishhearts18. What a sad situation. Best of luck, be strong.


Thanks. I will stay strong.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Hi there. I am glad you're starting to see things a bit more clearly, FH18. That will serve you well in the long run. You're getting good advice here.

I do agree that it is wise to not speak to his family about what's going on because it could backfire and cause you plenty of grief. It would be wise to lay low, bide your time, and stay quiet.

I will continue to pray for you and check back here occasionally for updates.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Thanks. I will stay strong.



Good. I don't want to sound all cliche here, but you are young. You're fortunate to be getting out of a toxic relationship after a relatively short period of time. And no children, right?


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Magnesium said:


> Hi there. I am glad you're starting to see things a bit more clearly, FH18. That will serve you well in the long run. You're getting good advice here.
> 
> I do agree that it is wise to not speak to his family about what's going on because it could backfire and cause you plenty of grief. It would be wise to lay low, bide your time, and stay quiet.
> 
> I will continue to pray for you and check back here occasionally for updates.


I have decided to just go back home. There is nothing for me here the job I thought I had fell through and everything is just getting worse and worse. I'm going to start over in georgia and leave this behind me. My dad still wants me to try but I told him no. I think he's only saying that cause he's just as shocked as I am and might be just trying to be optimistic while I'm down but I told him I'm ending this. I can't believe how life just is so happy one minute and then turns around to this the next. Hopefully by time I'm 30 ill be on my feet with a place and a really good job with a decent affordable car. I also have 2 business ideas that I have been working on. I just need to leave this toxic place and relationship here in florida.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Stormguy2018 said:


> Good. I don't want to sound all cliche here, but you are young. You're fortunate to be getting out of a toxic relationship after a relatively short period of time. And no children, right?


Yes no children. I'm glad that I have never had any and I don't think I would want any ever. I'm trying to keep my head up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Admittedly I haven't read all of the posts but didn't you say he's unemployed?

Unemployed guy living with his parents and pushing 30 doesn't sound like much of a prize. 

Go home and get on with your life.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Yes no children. I'm glad that I have never had any and I don't think I would want any ever. I'm trying to keep my head up.


That's the spirit. As difficult as it is now, try and look to the future.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> Admittedly I haven't read all of the posts but didn't you say he's unemployed?
> 
> Unemployed guy living with his parents and pushing 30 doesn't sound like much of a prize.
> 
> Go home and get on with your life.


He was unemployed but now he is not. He has a good job now. I'm leaving him. he can be stuck here and deal with his parents on his own until he can move out.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Stormguy2018 said:


> That's the spirit. As difficult as it is now, try and look to the future.


Thanks for all the kind words. I appriciate it. 😊


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you're experiencing such disappointment, manipulative behavior and pain. There's a lot of good advice on here from people who have first hand experience with your situation. Whether he is cheating or not .... he doesn't sound like the appropriate life partner for you (he pulls you down). My observation (I'm 70yo) is that you are still very young and there's plenty of time for a fresh start. Check in regularly and know that you are not alone.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> I'm sorry you're experiencing such disappointment, manipulative behavior and pain. There's a lot of good advice on here from people who have first hand experience with your situation. Whether he is cheating or not .... he doesn't sound like the appropriate life partner for you (he pulls you down). My observation (I'm 70yo) is that you are still very young and there's plenty of time for a fresh start. Check in regularly and know that you are not alone.


Thanks. I don't think he was the one for me anymore. That hurts but I'm seeing it now. I guess should stop putting pressure on myself. I'm looking forward to that fresh start. It's going to be difficult but I'm going to do what I can.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

How soon can you leave?


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

I told my dad give me until monday but i vould leave anytime. My dad was going to try to get me home immediately. I wanted to leave on a weekday so that my soon to be ex doesnt know i left cause he will be at work. I will let him know im leaving but he wont know exactly when. I want to gather my things without everyone knowing. I know he will get mad but at this point he deserves it. I have already started looking for jobs back home. Im a little nervous going back to my home town. I dont want to see old classmates or friends and im broken and sad. But ill have to get over that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can do it! I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I told my dad give me until monday but i vould leave anytime. My dad was going to try to get me home immediately. I wanted to leave on a weekday so that my soon to be ex doesnt know i left cause he will be at work. I will let him know im leaving but he wont know exactly when. I want to gather my things without everyone knowing. I know he will get mad but at this point he deserves it. I have already started looking for jobs back home. Im a little nervous going back to my home town. I dont want to see old classmates or friends and im broken and sad. But ill have to get over that.


I am so proud of you! Your dad seems like a super guy too. I know how you feel, but don't be ashamed, most of them will have also had hardships and bumps in life. I skipped my 10th high school reunion (small girl's school and we were like sisters) because I was embarrassed about how my life was turning out. Now I am planning on attending my 40th and most classmates are divorced, some of them multiple times. I had nothing to be embarrassed about way back when!

The good thing is that you aren't a prisoner in an emotionally abusive marriage anymore. When you get home, find a good counselor to help you learn boundaries and to get confidence that you can trust your gut.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

UPDATE

I told him i was leaving soon. He really didnt like it. He started shuffling and kept asking me "so thats what you wanna do". I kept telling him yes. He still tried to make me take half of something or monitor what he think i might take. I told him keep everything because we paid half on that car but you was ready to say it was yours and keep it. He tried to say he didn't say that but i stood firm and told him that he did and that if he's going to try to do stuff like that then i don't want anything. Im tired of him gaslighting me. ( Thanks to the ones that told me what that was ) He is very upset that he cant dictate what i can and cannot have and very upset that im leaving and standing firm in it. He started cleaning when i told him im leaving soon and he does that when he is frustrated. And now whenever he comes in or out the room he opens and closes the door aggressively. If he keeps doing that ill just ask my dad to make arrangements for me to come home as soon as possible. I told my soon to be ex when he tells his parents to tell his mom not to speak to me because there is nothing she could say to change things.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Livvie said:


> You can do it! I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you!


Thank You! 😊


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> I am so proud of you! Your dad seems like a super guy too. I know how you feel, but don't be ashamed, most of them will have also had hardships and bumps in life. I skipped my 10th high school reunion (small girl's school and we were like sisters) because I was embarrassed about how my life was turning out. Now I am planning on attending my 40th and most classmates are divorced, some of them multiple times. I had nothing to be embarrassed about way back when!
> 
> The good thing is that you aren't a prisoner in an emotionally abusive marriage anymore. When you get home, find a good counselor to help you learn boundaries and to get confidence that you can trust your gut.


Thanks for the encouragement and example. That helps me a lot. I'm glad that im not the only one! I plan on getting a counselor as soon as I can.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I don't want to give the impression that I think being divorced multiple times is a good thing. It is just that while I was embarrassed by being divorced once by the time I was 28, some of my classmates had already been in multiple bad relationships or divorces by that time. I didn't know it because that is not something you tell people in a casual conversation.

I do believe it is better to be divorced and happy than married and abused and unhappy.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> I don't want to give the impression that I think being divorced multiple times is a good thing. It is just that while I was embarrassed by being divorced once by the time I was 28, some of my classmates had already been in multiple bad relationships or divorces by that time. I didn't know it because that is not something you tell people in a casual conversation.
> 
> I do believe it is better to be divorced and happy than married and abused and unhappy.


Yea i understand. I will do my best to not be embarrassed. I feel way better now that i stood my ground. Im still hurt and sad. I cried myself to sleep earlier and didnt even realize it until i woke up. But at least i know i have a way out.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

UPDATE

The past 2 days have not been good. Saturday he came home from work asking why my i havent packed my stuff up yet. He tried to blame me for giving him wrong dates for when i was leaving, and when i reminded him what i told him and he sat there and thought about it he said he overreacted. As long as i stand up for myself he backs down. After that he went outside and came back in took his backpack hes been taking with him to work and was about to leave. I asked him where was he going and he said he was going out. Idk when exactly he came back but it was a few hours after he left. He stayed in the tv room until about 3am came in the room and went to sleep.

Today i found his ring in the side pocket of the car where he keeps change. I had to go get something to eat cause he tried to cook and it was terrible. He realized he did bad and told me that he didn't feel like going to get more food so i had to do it and whatever i got to get him the same thing and thats how i found it. I was so hurt. I called and talked to my sister before i went back into the house. I was crying when i came back to give him his food and he saw i was crying.

I decided to ask him if he knew it was there and why. I didnt ask him straightforward if he was cheating. He kept saying just ask and i did. To that he says im stupid. Then says you are so stupid for even asking me that. So i said no im not. You went out somewhere yesterday then i find your ring in the car. Thats reasonable. Its not like i didnt have a reason. After calling me stupid several times i asked him again cause he never said yes or no. And he still never answered yes or no. He just ssid i should know better than to ask that. Then he told me that i accused him of cheatin 2 weeks ago. That was a lie because i have never ever accused him of cheating on me and never thought that he would. 2 weeks ago we was at least being nice to eachother. We was fine until we had sex that one day. He has never done anything until now to make me feel like he was cheating. I then asked him why was it in there. He said that he was mad at me so he took it off. I asked him what made him that mad to want to do that. I told him you know you are the one making all the extreme decisions but say you want to work it out. He just turned over and went to sleep.

I have been mad at him but i never took my ring off. Maybe i shouldnt have asked. I dont know what to do. No one can come get me so im going to ask my parents for money for a ticket so i can go home. I feel like im inconveniencing everyone and it sucks. My sister told me to stop blaming myself for everything. But thats so hard when im the one with no money no car and in a bad situation, asking for others to help me.

At this point i feel totally alone and i feel like im bout to inconvenience my family just because of this. I feel hopeless.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Personally, when someone takes their ring off it’s because they don’t want someone to know they are married, struggling or not, they don’t want them to know. My guess is he met someone that night, but who knows. I know my soon to be ex wife took off her ring all the time to get attention from guys. To me it’s a sign of disrespect. No matter how mad i got, i never removed my ring. 



Foolishhearts18 said:


> UPDATE
> 
> The past 2 days have not been good. Saturday he came home from work asking why my i havent packed my stuff up yet. He tried to blame me for giving him wrong dates for when i was leaving, and when i reminded him what i told him and he sat there and thought about it he said he overreacted. As long as i stand up for myself he backs down. After that he went outside and came back in took his backpack hes been taking with him to work and was about to leave. I asked him where was he going and he said he was going out. Idk when exactly he came back but it was a few hours after he left. He stayed in the tv room until about 3am came in the room and went to sleep.
> 
> ...


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Exactly thats how i felt. And the fact that he kept calling me stupid for asking just really bothered me. I hope whatever hes doing comes to light. I am pissed at him, he used me, hes lying on me, and trying to blame me for everything but i still have my ring on. I just cant beileve this is happening. 


Ra3a369 said:


> Personally, when someone takes their ring off it’s because they don’t want someone to know they are married, struggling or not, they don’t want them to know. My guess is he met someone that night, but who knows. I know my soon to be ex wife took off her ring all the time to get attention from guys. To me it’s a sign of disrespect. No matter how mad i got, i never removed my ring.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Couple of things FH;

- You are going to have periods and days like this, it's totally normal. Sucks but it's normal for those of us that have been in these situations. You are going to have more times like this but you are also going to experience periods of relief and confidence as well. If I had to guess, most of what you feel in the near future will be numbness, feelings of being down and alone and failure and feelings of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. As you move forward, the sucky feelings will become few and far between, being replaced by the feelings of getting stronger. It's just going to to take time. Even if you don't feel it on the inside but you are going through the motions on the outside, that's ok. The cliche is totally applicable here. Fake it until you make it.

- So your husband has said and done some pretty horrible things to you to be honest but you are saddened by him not wearing his ring? Guess, what, I felt the same way. Can't tell you exactly why but maybe this is it. My EW was cheating, was treating me like a 2nd class citizen and gaslighting the Hell out of me but the ring was what send me into a pretty sad place. It was like the ultimate gut punch. I think because it is THE symbol of the promise, the marriage. For me, I said months before it got the worst it could get but knew it was not going good, that as long as she had the ring on, that there was still hope. I kept going through thresholds I would set for myself, like if she did this, it was a bad sign. She systematically went through everything I feared but then all that was left was the ring. She not only took it off but put in on the window seal above the kitchen sink where I do the dishes every night. It's just a ring and nothing compared to what she had done to me but much like what you are feeling, it was like the ultimate low blow.

- need to be blunt on the last point. If you are leaving and going back home, which by the way, a great first step towards getting out of this awful situation and the beginning of your new life with so much more potential ... back to my point. If you are leaving, please don't bother asking about where he has been or about cheating, about the ring, etc. You are either going to get out and out lies (likely) or you are going to hear things that you don't want to and that's the reason for no contact so you aren't opening yourself up to additional pain.

- oh, one more point. Listen to your sister, she is telling you the truth. It's not your fault and your family is going to be a lot more concerned about your well being than if you have a job, need their help, etc.

EDIT: She took her ring off in November, 2 months before the divorce even started and about 9 months before the divorce was finalized. I kept mine on all the way until it was official last Monday, when I walked out of the county building. It was a personal choice.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Im hurt about everything but the ring was like the last straw. I felt like by him not wearing it hes letting others know hes available. We have had arguments before and been mad at each other but it was the fact that he left to go somewhere unknown to me and then i find his ring in the car. That screamed cheating to me. And then just threw it in there with loose change. The disregard and disrespect in that just blows my mind. I thought he loved me. All of this just makes me think he never did.

I just shouldnt have asked. He was the one that mentioned counseling, but hes acting like he hates me. Im so confused.

Its like everything gets worse everyday. I appreciate everything you said though and you are right. I just feel like once i get back home i can think clearer. I have to keep telling myself to calm down and not blame myself. I just dont get how you say you love someone so much and then one day you just disregard your whole marriage. 



stillfightingforus said:


> Couple of things FH;
> 
> - You are going to have periods and days like this, it's totally normal. Sucks but it's normal for those of us that have been in these situations. You are going to have more times like this but you are also going to experience periods of relief and confidence as well. If I had to guess, most of what you feel in the near future will be numbness, feelings of being down and alone and failure and feelings of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. As you move forward, the sucky feelings will become few and far between, being replaced by the feelings of getting stronger. It's just going to to take time. Even if you don't feel it on the inside but you are going through the motions on the outside, that's ok. The cliche is totally applicable here. Fake it until you make it.
> 
> ...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"I just dont get how you say you love someone so much and then one day you just disregard your whole marriage."

I don't know and wish I had that answer as well but I can tell you, it's nothing you did or didn't do. It's just something inherently wrong with him. Something you cannot fix or have control over. We blame ourselves in these situations because it feels like if we do, we can control it and change the course but we cannot. Keep pushing, you are moving in the right direction even though it may feel like you are drowning.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Yea you're right. I will just have to learn to deal with it and move on. I do have things to keep me busy. So i will just channel all of this into one of my hobbies.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> You know what i never thought about that. If he was cheating on me then he is exactly what I've thought about him. He trying to pretend he cares but I'm starting to see through that. I know he don't like me cause I can feel it. And if he hasn't already had sex with this new person he sed me for it the other night to hold him until he has sex with the other person. Selling that bed really pissed me off cause that means he wants all memories of me gone. So I'm bout to surprise his evil behind with some papers after I figure out my moves and get out of there. I'm not going to tell his mother because she is not an understanding woman. Plus they don't even care about their own son. They blame him for everything and treats his sister better. I have been helping him through this cause it's really bad. It's like they wish bad upon him all the time and doesn't think he will be successful. I have a better support system family wise. My parents show me they care about me. But for the past month his mother has been a little bit too nice to me. She always is trying to make sure I eat or share her food with me or take me with her somewhere. I tell her no everytime because i know she doesn't like me and has never been that nice to me even when things where good. I don't trust her with giving me food either. They are bad people and I know to stay away from them. I thought my soon to be ex husband was different but he's just as evil as they are. I think his mother knows and is happy that im bout to leave and that's why she is being so nice.


Okay . . . pretty obvious there's another woman involved. You need to get the heck out, like ASAP. Move to your Dad's. Your husband does not sound like a very nice person. Sorry you're in this situation.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm trying to get out as soon as i can. I might be leaving tomorrow or i might have to wait until saturday for my mom to pick me up. I was thinking last night and I'm starting to think he was bringing me down. I always thought i was bringing him down. He dosnt make the best decisions and I've been the one with the better decisions or i try to turn him in a better direction. He wouldnt have done this job hes doing now if it wasnt for me encouraging him to take a chance. He tried to cook something i cook all the time yesterday and the whole meal was terrible. I think he needs me more than i need him. He even told me i just want him but dont need him. And i thought that was so stupid but maybe its true and i didnt even realize it.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> I'm trying to get out as soon as i can. I might be leaving tomorrow or i might have to wait until saturday for my mom to pick me up. I was thinking last night and I'm starting to think he was bringing me down. I always thought i was bringing him down. He dosnt make the best decisions and I've been the one with the better decisions or i try to turn him in a better direction. He wouldnt have done this job hes doing now if it wasnt for me encouraging him to take a chance. He tried to cook something i cook all the time yesterday and the whole meal was terrible. I think he needs me more than i need him. He even told me i just want him but dont need him. And i thought that was so stupid but maybe its true and i didnt even realize it.


2 Things;

- He does need you more than you need him when it all comes down to it.

- But sadly, he's not saying the above because he means it. He is saying it because he is trying a new strategy to try and keep you engaged and under his control. He is losing his control over you in the other ways he could manipulate you so now he is trying to make you feel sorry for him. In essence, he is going to try throwing as many things as he can at you to see if something sticks.


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Ok. So i will keep standing up for myself and not back down. Im packing right now cause i could be leaving tomorrow so he might be happy when he gets home....or he could get mad that the room is messy because i am packing. But i qont let it bother me whichever way it goes.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok. So i will keep standing up for myself and not back down. Im packing right now cause i could be leaving tomorrow so he might be happy when he gets home....or he could get mad that the room is messy because i am packing. But i qont let it bother me whichever way it goes.


So, keep us updated. Good luck!


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## Foolishhearts18 (Jul 12, 2018)

Ok so im updating again but this time its not a bad one.

We had a better conversation last night and even though we still argued and he still tried to blame me for some things it wasn't as bad as before. I think that he is starting to regret some things because I'm leaving. Also i think he's starting to realize how much i do for him and he is taking me for granted. He is way nicer now. When i told him that i was leaving saturday he wanted to know when so he could say goodbye. I didnt really expect him to do that. Even though i am happy that things have been a little bit smoother i still think of him differently.

I dont know what his problem was and i think he still needs his space. He did open up and tell me that he didnt want me to leave and that he is going to miss me and he really wants to work on our marriage. I honestly still would like to work on it too. I love him so much. But he will have to show me. Im still leaving and im not falling for him being nice right now. Im glad that we are cordial and not arguing for the moment.

While i am gone i will see if he truly wants to work on this. He needs to see that i contribute a lot and that i am very important to this relationship as well. He also needs to realize how much i have done for him. But most of all he needs to adjust his attitude and controling thinking and ways. One thing i know is that he will miss me and that i was a good woman to him and i didnt deserve the way he was treating me.

I hope that we can try again but im not going to put my life on hold any longer. Until i see some change im moving on as planned.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok so im updating again but this time its not a bad one.
> 
> We had a better conversation last night and even though we still argued and he still tried to blame me for some things it wasn't as bad as before. I think that he is starting to regret some things because I'm leaving. Also i think he's starting to realize how much i do for him and he is taking me for granted. He is way nicer now. When i told him that i was leaving saturday he wanted to know when so he could say goodbye. I didnt really expect him to do that. Even though i am happy that things have been a little bit smoother i still think of him differently.
> 
> ...


After you move out, I suggest you go to therapy on your own. Ask around, find a good marriage counselor. Then, depending on how that goes, sessions with your husband might be in order. 

Best of luck, positive thoughts your way -


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok so im updating again but this time its not a bad one.
> 
> We had a better conversation last night and even though we still argued and he still tried to blame me for some things it wasn't as bad as before. I think that he is starting to regret some things because I'm leaving. Also i think he's starting to realize how much i do for him and he is taking me for granted. He is way nicer now. When i told him that i was leaving saturday he wanted to know when so he could say goodbye. I didnt really expect him to do that. Even though i am happy that things have been a little bit smoother i still think of him differently.
> 
> ...


Sounds like things are starting to fall apart for him with a potential new woman, so he is wanting to hold on a little bit to you, his security blanket... think about a little kid with his "blanky" he loves it always .... but when some shiny new toy is arround he treats it poorly casts it aside and forgets it's even there... but then when the toy break, is lost, etc... the child wants its "blanky" back... and when a new "blanky" is introduced, the child wants to put the "blanky" away (send you home) but still wants to keep it cause they don't know if the new "blanky" is better and the original "blanky" provides comfort... ask your MIL if your husband had an attachment to his "blanky" (blanket) or "binky" (pacifier) and it might tell you all you need to know about his treatment of you. 

You are doing well. The most important thing for you when you move out is to get some individual counseling... you need to address why and how you let any human being, let alone one that CLAIMS to love you, to treat you like that. 

Learn to say "You don't get to talk to me like that!" Use it, and mean it. You will find it empowering, and an effective way to end your "conversation" with a partner that is not treating you well (in the moment). Take back your pride and self confidence.

Pride and self confidence are like muscles they have to be "worked" to grow, and if you don't use them they will shrivel up and fade away. So give them a work out!

In all honesty, it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and he already has a mother. Let her do that. Its time you found he parts of you that got lost while you were with him. Find the woman you always wanted to be. Be the best you. Because for now it needs to be all about *YOU*!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Thanks for your response. I figured he did use me for sex but I wont let that happen again. I guess I'm trying to hold on cause I seemed like he's already moved on in my eyes. I'm so hurt. This is scary for me cause I feel like I'm the only one trying. If he wants to live without me why wont he just say it?


Because if he is cheating, which seems highly likely, like all cheaters, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he keeps all options open, its a win win for him. Sorry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok. So i will keep standing up for myself and not back down. Im packing right now cause i could be leaving tomorrow so he might be happy when he gets home....or he could get mad that the room is messy because i am packing. But i qont let it bother me whichever way it goes.


1. Your H is an emotional abuser
2. He is most definitely cheating
3. You should see a lawyer and file papers and hand them to him
4. You should investigate him (dont back down) and blow up his world
5. Write a letter to his parents stating exactly what has happened, you suspect he is cheating, about the ring and everything. People should not treat you like this
6. Tell all friends family, etc, he must be exposed exposed exposed. 
7. Go home and do not have any contact with him at all.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> UPDATE
> 
> Today i found his ring in the side pocket of the car where he keeps change. I had to go get something to eat cause he tried to cook and it was terrible. He realized he did bad and told me that he didn't feel like going to get more food so i had to do it and whatever i got to get him the same thing and thats how i found it. I was so hurt. I called and talked to my sister before i went back into the house. I was crying when i came back to give him his food and he saw i was crying.
> 
> ...


That interaction with your husband over the ring was classic gaslighting. He called you stupid rather than talk about why his wedding ring was in the car and not on his finger.

Don't enter into the gaslighting. What I mean is don't address it at all. Saying, No, I'm not (stupid) is playing into the gaslighting. The way to deal with gaslighting is to say, "My intelligence has nothing to do with why your ring is in your car and not on your finger. If you want to talk about my intelligence, you'll have to bring that up at a later time because right now we are talking about your ring and why it is in the car."

I've had to do a similar thing to my husband several times. He gaslights instinctively whenever he wants to avoid a confrontation about something he has done. You bet he didn't like it when I began to not let him side track or gaslight, and he tried to do the same thing (call me a gaslighter) but he wasn't successful, since I don't gaslight! It has taken about 1 year, but he is getting better at not gaslighting, and staying on topic, because he really wants to be a better man. The other day, when we were talking about something that would have turned into a gaslighting fest for him, he stopped himself from bringing up an issue, and said, "I'll talk about that another time....although I'll probably forget." I don't think he realized until recently how manipulative and abusive gaslighting really is to the person on the receiving end.

Your husband is not a nice person at all. He doesn't care how much he hurts you, he is so far gone into his own selfishness. I don't think there is much hope for him.

Listen to your sister. You are not a burden to those who love you. That is what love is about...being there for each other when someone is in need.

When you get to your parent's place, don't stop learning about yourself and gettting healthy. If you don't get stronger, clearer in the head, more confident, and more self reliant you will end up with another man like your husband.

You have a sweet, tender heart, and a good, healthy man will love the ****ens out of you someday!

Why are you still wearing your wedding ring if you are planning on divorcing your husband. Don't take it off out of spite, but as a gesture of strength, to yourself that you are divorcing him, and you have taken your first step in your mind and heart. *Don't give it back to him, keep it so you can sell it for some cash, which you will need.* He will try to convince you to give it to him, but don't. It is yours. He broke his promise to love and cherish you. It was part of that promise, and an investment...which he lost because of his own lack of character.

Go home to your dad ASAP.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Foolishhearts18 said:


> Ok so im updating again but this time its not a bad one.
> 
> We had a better conversation last night and even though we still argued and he still tried to blame me for some things it wasn't as bad as before. I think that he is starting to regret some things because I'm leaving. Also i think he's starting to realize how much i do for him and he is taking me for granted. He is way nicer now. When i told him that i was leaving saturday he wanted to know when so he could say goodbye. I didnt really expect him to do that. Even though i am happy that things have been a little bit smoother i still think of him differently.
> 
> ...


Your husband is nicer because he doesn't want his life to change. He thought he could use and abuse you, and that you would stay. Now you are leaving, and he knows it is because of how he treated you. If he can convince you to stay by being temporarily nicer, then things will stay the same for him. Once he knows you are staying, he will go right back to emotionally abusing you again.

Take seriously our saying he is emotionally abusive. Calling someone names to degrade their self esteem and gain power over them is emotional abuse.

Your guy is not going to change, given that he came from a family that modeled all the behaviors he is exhibiting. The only way he can change is if he reads lots of books, gets counseling, realizes what he has been doing, and then does A LOT of work to change. Him changing will also affect his relationship with his own family (mother) because she won't like the new him. He won't like her either, because he won't be part of her sick system when he changes.

After you move away, and if he begins to try to convince you that he has changed so you will come back, you can learn a lot about it by listening to what he says about his relationship and feelings about his mother. If they are the same, it will be a good indication that he hasn't really changed.

You sound so strong and clear headed! Keep reading and posting here, and get yourself a counselor when you get to your dad's. Even if you can't afford a counselor, read a few books to help get yourself going on your own. You might be able to find a few of them at your library if you can't afford to buy them. I bet if you bought them and highlighted in them, they would be all marked up by the time you finished reading them.

Codependent No More Melody Beattie https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself-ebook/dp/B00BS027FC

Mind Games https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RQ9T4FA/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1

Out of the Fog https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077SFQWZ2/ref=sspa_dk_detail_6?psc=1#customerReviews

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Power...&keywords=The+subtle+power+of+spiritual+abuse

You will recognize a lot of what you lived through with your former religion and your marriage in these books.

Knowledge is power! Once you recognize something/a red flag, you will learn to not go toward it, or put up with it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

All of this over poorly cooked eggs? Astonishing. Although, the poorly cooked eggs was a convenient tool to start an argument followed by separation. 

But anyway, don't buy the nice nice your H is currently displaying as he witnesses your bags being packed. It is not but a realization that...well...the separation is pure nonsense/childishness on your H part.

Further, your H calling you stupid is wrong on many levels. No one, I mean no one calls their spouse stupid unless of course they have very little respect for their spouse. Please note when you stood your ground your H backed off and stopped acting childish. 

Continue packing your bags. Go to your parents. Let your H fix this nonsense he has created. 

And another thing, there are people out that there that will not give a rats arse that your cook crappy eggs. They will love and respect you.

No kids with this dude? Run baby run.


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