# Can I still save my marriage? Wife wants separation.



## OfcDW

I have been with my wife for 10 years and 22 days. We have been married for 4 months and 18 days. For the past 4 weeks I've been living a nightmare, since the day my wife told me she wants to leave and separate from me which was January 25th.

The night before her breaking the news we got into an argument, no different from any other time we have a disagreement so I thought it would blow over but the following day she did not come home from work, she drove two hours to her fathers house and refused to talk to me whether over the phone or in person. Later on that night she came home and things seemed to have calmed down. She was understandably upset but I felt like it was nothing a little time and space could not mend. I would soon learn how serve it was and still remains. 

A little back story. My wife and I meant when we were teenagers and were together for 9 years and 8 months before we got married. During those 9 years leading up to the marriage we had our share of ups and downs...more bad times than good, so it seems. When we first met and started to "date" neither one of us knew what true love was nor have we been in a past relationship that was considered serious. over time we became more than just boyfriend and girlfriend we became best friends. We had so much in common that we just seemed like the perfect match. As timed progressed things started to get shaky between us. I began to develop insecurities about our relationship which resulted in me exhibiting controlling behavior. I did not know this then, the things I said and did was considered "controlling" but at the same time she had never given any indication she felt "controlled." About our 4 year mark in our relationship I had started to develop some anger issues. I would complain about everything it seemed. If things were going good I would find something to complain about. If something other than her upset me, I would still take it out on her. This type of behavior consumed me to the point where it just became natural to pick her apart mentally and then built her back up only to knock her back down again. This continued on for so long, actually all the way up till 4 months into our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we still had great days and share so many great memories but I always found a way to show a dark side of things. 

There were times when she did tell me how terrible I made her feel and the stress I cause but I was so blinded by this twisted state of mind I was in that I did not care to listen and at times even suggested she just leave if she did not like the way things were. She would stay and we would just carry on living our lives hoping for better days. I can't say I did not ever stop and think about how much of a jerk I was, and I would hate myself for it and feel so bad that I would go to her and apologize but unfortunately the next day I would do it all over again. 

She was always and still is the love of my life and so we eventually got married. Shortly after our marriage we bought a home together. We were so happy and proud of ourselves knowing how far we have come together in order to achieve this dream. We overcame hardships, deaths in our families, career changes and just stress everyday life brings. We shared something special. 

So...she comes home and tells me she wants to separate. At first I did not think she was serious but just upset but after a few days of her shutting me out I realized this is serious. Communicated between started to fail. She told me she was not happy anymore. That she loved me but was no longer in love with me. That she realized that I would never change and this is what she had to look forward to in life. She did explain how I made her feel and how she could never subject herself to such pain again. Since she was keeping her distance and was not giving in, I had a lot of time to think about the past and the more I thought about somethings I may have said or did to her I became literally sick to my stomach. Reality had just hit me in the gut, that I am going to lose the love of my life. 

For the first week she kept her distance and was always short and brief in her communication with me. We would still exchange "I love you" and I still did things for each other. After the first week she had told me she was done and she was serious in that she was leaving and would be moving back home with her father once he had the apartment ready. I begged and pleaded for the opportunity to work it out. That we could go for counseling ect. her response was "They can help when someone is having marital problems, they cannot make someone change their mind, so I am not doing it." After a lot of pleading she decided she would give me 10 days to change her mind, to show her I had changed. I did not want to lose her so I started doing things to help improve myself, so I could become a better person and most importantly a greater husband. I started to see a counselor for anger management and read articles, books and other literature on how to overcome insecurities. I feel a great change in myself. Things that use to bother me no longer do, I have learned to cope with situations in a more positive way rather than always thinking negative. It got to the point where she would not believe or trust this change was for real and that I would have to prove to her but she felt she has already wasted too much time that she did not want to wait any longer. She would often say "I could never forgive nor forget therefore I wont ever be happy with you."

The past 3 weeks has been like a roller coaster. One day we are communicating going places and talking about the future. The next day she tells me she is set on leaving and there is nothing I can do about it, she has to worry about herself and making herself happy and does not believe I could make her happy anymore. She would build me up into thinking there was a change we could work things out only to tear me back down by saying she still was leaving and it was only a matter of time. I did seek advice from friends and family who told me to give her time and space, which I did. Others said she is giving me a taste of my own medicine and if she was going to leave she would had already. She was so great for son long while I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. Now that she is no longer doing for me as she once did I miss everything about her. I thought I deserve this and would endure any amount of pain as long as it worked out in the end. 

She was carrying on with her life and seemed most happy when she was not around me. So I said to her, that separation is such a drastic decision and a huge step and then I suggested that we take time apart but she insisted separation was the only option. Up to 3 days ago I thought there was still hope because she still relied on me to do things for her and we were still exchanging "I love you." and then over night she began to shut me out, No longer would she feel comfortable with me holding her hand, or laying with her, and when I said "I love you" she would not say it back. Two days ago she told me once again she was moving out and I tried to convince her that things can be great between us that she just needs to open up and let me show her and then again today she spoke with her father about when the apartment will be ready so she can move in. 

At this point she is being extremely bitter and nasty toward to were I now believe that she is truly walking away. The last thing I want is to lose her. I never imagined a life without her and don't want to know what it will feel like. I asked her about the posibility about a reconcile in the future and she tells me she would never be happy with me. 

I know her better than anyone, even more so than herself and if I did not feel I could make her happy I would had just given up long ago. If I did not feel mixed signals from her, if she was consistent with shutting me out as opposed to intermittently opening up then closing back up, I would have known there was no chance. Till this day she is still asking me to do things for her...

I have a new outlook on our marriage and life in general. I feel a greater love for her than I have ever before and ever day find a new reason why I love her.

Is all hope lost? Do I just let her walk out the door? I am still doing for her until the day she leaves....


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## OfcDW

Just a quick update. Today we went did a little shopping together, mostly for our 16 week old puppy. We shared a few laughs and she asked for my opinion on some things but she was still distant. I decided no longer to bring up the possibility of reconcile and just go day by day and do for her as she needs until the day she moves out, which is not determined yet. I found that my over-the-top niceness is annoying so I toned it down a bit. I am still confused because at times I catch her planning for the future and saying words like "we" and "ours" then at other times she shuts me out completely. 

I failed to mention in my previous post that she no longer wears her ring. She has not for just about a week now. When I questioned her about it the day she stopped wearing it she said "I am not happy with our situation right now." In the past I was a jerk and would often say "take the ring off" or would take mine off and not wear it for a day or two so I cant complain too much about that.....What an idiot I was.


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## jen121419

OfcDW said:


> I have been with my wife for 10 years and 22 days. We have been married for 4 months and 18 days. For the past 4 weeks I've been living a nightmare, since the day my wife told me she wants to leave and separate from me which was January 25th.
> 
> The night before her breaking the news we got into an argument, no different from any other time we have a disagreement so I thought it would blow over but the following day she did not come home from work, she drove two hours to her fathers house and refused to talk to me whether over the phone or in person. Later on that night she came home and things seemed to have calmed down. She was understandably upset but I felt like it was nothing a little time and space could not mend. I would soon learn how serve it was and still remains.
> 
> A little back story. My wife and I meant when we were teenagers and were together for 9 years and 8 months before we got married. During those 9 years leading up to the marriage we had our share of ups and downs...more bad times than good, so it seems. When we first met and started to "date" neither one of us knew what true love was nor have we been in a past relationship that was considered serious. over time we became more than just boyfriend and girlfriend we became best friends. We had so much in common that we just seemed like the perfect match. As timed progressed things started to get shaky between us. I began to develop insecurities about our relationship which resulted in me exhibiting controlling behavior. I did not know this then, the things I said and did was considered "controlling" but at the same time she had never given any indication she felt "controlled." About our 4 year mark in our relationship I had started to develop some anger issues. I would complain about everything it seemed. If things were going good I would find something to complain about. If something other than her upset me, I would still take it out on her. This type of behavior consumed me to the point where it just became natural to pick her apart mentally and then built her back up only to knock her back down again. This continued on for so long, actually all the way up till 4 months into our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we still had great days and share so many great memories but I always found a way to show a dark side of things.
> 
> There were times when she did tell me how terrible I made her feel and the stress I cause but I was so blinded by this twisted state of mind I was in that I did not care to listen and at times even suggested she just leave if she did not like the way things were. She would stay and we would just carry on living our lives hoping for better days. I can't say I did not ever stop and think about how much of a jerk I was, and I would hate myself for it and feel so bad that I would go to her and apologize but unfortunately the next day I would do it all over again.
> 
> She was always and still is the love of my life and so we eventually got married. Shortly after our marriage we bought a home together. We were so happy and proud of ourselves knowing how far we have come together in order to achieve this dream. We overcame hardships, deaths in our families, career changes and just stress everyday life brings. We shared something special.
> 
> So...she comes home and tells me she wants to separate. At first I did not think she was serious but just upset but after a few days of her shutting me out I realized this is serious. Communicated between started to fail. She told me she was not happy anymore. That she loved me but was no longer in love with me. That she realized that I would never change and this is what she had to look forward to in life. She did explain how I made her feel and how she could never subject herself to such pain again. Since she was keeping her distance and was not giving in, I had a lot of time to think about the past and the more I thought about somethings I may have said or did to her I became literally sick to my stomach. Reality had just hit me in the gut, that I am going to lose the love of my life.
> 
> For the first week she kept her distance and was always short and brief in her communication with me. We would still exchange "I love you" and I still did things for each other. After the first week she had told me she was done and she was serious in that she was leaving and would be moving back home with her father once he had the apartment ready. I begged and pleaded for the opportunity to work it out. That we could go for counseling ect. her response was "They can help when someone is having marital problems, they cannot make someone change their mind, so I am not doing it." After a lot of pleading she decided she would give me 10 days to change her mind, to show her I had changed. I did not want to lose her so I started doing things to help improve myself, so I could become a better person and most importantly a greater husband. I started to see a counselor for anger management and read articles, books and other literature on how to overcome insecurities. I feel a great change in myself. Things that use to bother me no longer do, I have learned to cope with situations in a more positive way rather than always thinking negative. It got to the point where she would not believe or trust this change was for real and that I would have to prove to her but she felt she has already wasted too much time that she did not want to wait any longer. She would often say "I could never forgive nor forget therefore I wont ever be happy with you."
> 
> The past 3 weeks has been like a roller coaster. One day we are communicating going places and talking about the future. The next day she tells me she is set on leaving and there is nothing I can do about it, she has to worry about herself and making herself happy and does not believe I could make her happy anymore. She would build me up into thinking there was a change we could work things out only to tear me back down by saying she still was leaving and it was only a matter of time. I did seek advice from friends and family who told me to give her time and space, which I did. Others said she is giving me a taste of my own medicine and if she was going to leave she would had already. She was so great for son long while I took her for granted and made her feel unappreciated. Now that she is no longer doing for me as she once did I miss everything about her. I thought I deserve this and would endure any amount of pain as long as it worked out in the end.
> 
> She was carrying on with her life and seemed most happy when she was not around me. So I said to her, that separation is such a drastic decision and a huge step and then I suggested that we take time apart but she insisted separation was the only option. Up to 3 days ago I thought there was still hope because she still relied on me to do things for her and we were still exchanging "I love you." and then over night she began to shut me out, No longer would she feel comfortable with me holding her hand, or laying with her, and when I said "I love you" she would not say it back. Two days ago she told me once again she was moving out and I tried to convince her that things can be great between us that she just needs to open up and let me show her and then again today she spoke with her father about when the apartment will be ready so she can move in.
> 
> At this point she is being extremely bitter and nasty toward to were I now believe that she is truly walking away. The last thing I want is to lose her. I never imagined a life without her and don't want to know what it will feel like. I asked her about the posibility about a reconcile in the future and she tells me she would never be happy with me.
> 
> I know her better than anyone, even more so than herself and if I did not feel I could make her happy I would had just given up long ago. If I did not feel mixed signals from her, if she was consistent with shutting me out as opposed to intermittently opening up then closing back up, I would have known there was no chance. Till this day she is still asking me to do things for her...
> 
> I have a new outlook on our marriage and life in general. I feel a greater love for her than I have ever before and ever day find a new reason why I love her.
> 
> Is all hope lost? Do I just let her walk out the door? I am still doing for her until the day she leaves....


I do not have advice, but I am in your shoes right now. My husband of 6 years recently told me he wanted to be "single." I moved out and am trying to figure things out. Whenever we are together, though, he is as sweet as ever to me. A couple nights ago, I ended up spending the night and he cuddled up next to me all night long... and this coming from a man who I had to beg to cuddle with ever since our dating days. He is still talking in the future tense too. I have asked him point blank if he sees us getting back together and now he says yes... didn't in the beginning.. but says at the moment he wants to be single and free and that is what he is focusing on. It is a rollercoaster of emotion! I don't think our respective spouses don't really know what they want... and I think me and you are trying really hard to see what we want to see. I guess if I had to describe my feelings right now, it would be MYSTIFIED.


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## OfcDW

Things are pretty much the same. I learned whenever I confront her about our issues by saying things like "Why can't we move on?" or "Things can be great between us" she gets annoyed and shuts me out again. 

Where I am at right now: I stopped nagging her about working it out. I stopped saying "I love you" because she does not say it to me. I let my actions speak for me. I just do everything she ask and try to be as happy as can be around her. She still does not wear her ring but I say nothing about it, I still wear mine. 

The result: She has not said anything to me about leaving and I think it is because I don't ask her to stay. We communicate a little more. She is speaking future tense a bit more. She is asking more from me and of course I don't hesitate in doing these things and do it with a smile. 

I am just taking it one day at a time and just do for her as she asks.

I did ask her what her definition of being "in love" with me. She said being in love is being happy and she is not happy with me...so once she told me that I knew I just had to do everything I could to make her happy and she just might fall "in love" with me again, and I have done those things and will continue. 

Our situation has slightly improved in the past 3 days compared to the past week.


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## Alwaysconfused

I am in the same situation. My wife and I have been having problems every since we got married. We got married about 8 months ago. We were very happy when we met and got together.

I made a huge mistake last week when I lied to my wife. She texted me to ask where I was and I said I implied that I was at work when I was at my friends house having a beer. She found me at my friend house and is pretty upset. She has taken off the ring, made me move into the smaller room and have taken all the wedding things (pictures, momentos) down from the walls. After a week, she and I went to lunch and she did not have on the ring and I asked her what was up and she said that she was seperating herself from me. It broke my heart. I did like you, took off my ring. It just makes me feel empty.

I told her that I would do anything that she wanted to prove my self. We are on the starting blocks where she has gone to counseling and I start counseling tomorrow. She said that she wants to see if we are worth saving or just cut her losses now. I am praying that she will take me back. I have called, text and everything just to get her to stay but I cant make her. I know that I lied. I may be getting exactly what I deserve but I just want to save my marriage and the love of my life. If you love her then you have to let her go. I fear that I must do the same. If the counseling does not make it better then oh well. Good Luck Dude.


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