# Ladies, does marriage equal more love and sex?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed. 

She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Don't buy what she is selling. 

I don't know anyone that got more love/sex after getting married. At best it will stay the same. What is most typical is that the amount of love/sex goes down.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you're not getting your needs met now, I wouldn't be that hopeful that things will change when you're married. Unless, of course, she's a virginity until marriage woman...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What is it that you wanted to change after the proposal? 
If your needs aren't met now that won't change after marriage.
If you aren't that into her just end it. Let her find someone who is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In my experience it goes down after marriage.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sex goes down for sure!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In my case love went down too. 

Oh if I could go back in time....yes it's fixed now I know but I wasted so much time on someone incapable of intimacy. And sadly there were clues before we got married that I ignored. I thought it would get better after we got married. Right. LOL


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It goes down a lot after marriage...and not in a good way.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> In my case love went down too.
> 
> Oh if I could go back in time....yes it's fixed now I know but I wasted so much time on someone incapable of intimacy. And sadly there were clues before we got married that I ignored. I thought it would get better after we got married. Right. LOL


You gotta tell me more!! what were the clues? 

My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.
> 
> She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


did she tell you she would buy you a unicorn? and candy will fall from the sky?:rofl:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *bobsmith said:* My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."


 DO NOT BUY IT.... Communication is the soul foundation of working out all of your issues...a marriage certificate was never needed for ME to feel the *security* I had with my husband for YEARS before we walked down the aisle. I never felt rushed - like vows was suddenly the medicine I needed to cure me of some ill. 

The only thing I was dying for was intercourse (cause we waited for that)...for us, I'd say it DID get better...but we had plenty of love before marriage. It was beautiful to finally consummate that love. 

Communication is Absolutely HUGE... (a part of my thread below) ...



> *4.* COMMUNICATION is VITAL, the root of all that can go wrong
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> You gotta tell me more!! what were the clues?
> 
> My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."


Seems like you already have all the clues you need but I'll add my list:

His childhood - parents slept in separate bedrooms, didn't love each other, no affection, no love, no intimacy.

Religion - catholic guilt - nuff said

Relationship with his dad - yelled a lot, husband could do no right, controlling, beat him down, low self esteem, became a people pleaser, etc.

Conflict avoidant - when things get tough he withdraws emotionally, physically. He visibly shuts down and this happened before we got married. I blamed it on stress but nope it's just him.

Relationship with his mother - she's a miserable alcoholic who became bitter and unhappy.

These were all signs that I was marrying an emotionally and physically unavailable man.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well... It may just be me, but I was always WAY more "conservative" when dating. Once I married my husband I kind of went all freaky on him, at least at first. (Don't knock me, he's the L.D. now)...

Yeah, I would go with the "best indicator of future behavior is PAST behavior" on this one...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

Someone once told me that the first year of marriage every time you have sex put a penny in a jar. After the first year every time you have sex take a penny out. You may never run out of pennies.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> You gotta tell me more!! what were the clues?
> 
> My partner seems to be completely incapable of communicating. Still right now, in our little separation/spat, she still cannot communicate, only listen. I am about to bust out a whole case of daggers tonight because I am GD SICK of hearing "you are not acting like a man", "you are not mature", "i don't love you enough", "marriage will give me more security."


You proposed to her 3 years ago, asking her to marry you. Most women would believe that you actually already *wanted to marry* them since you just proposed. They would also believe that you actually intend to marry them.

Three years later and you're still not married. I imagine she's feeling confused, frustrated, insecure, upset, and clearly angry that you asked her to marry you when it seems to her that you had no intention of actually doing so.

Her growing anxiety about this 3 year engagement is making her anxious, insecure and freaking pissed off that you continue to want her to audition for the role you already told her you wanted her to be in your life - your wife.

I'm not saying she's right to talk to you that way. But I think that's where she's coming from.



> We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.


The only thing that will change if you marry her is that she will feel more secure and less anxious about you wanting to marry her. There is a lot of resentment built up over 3 years on her part, and distance on your part, and she thinks that if you just marry her like you asked her to do that she'd be able to relax and be more comfortable and closer to you. That's more a hope than a guarantee.

Every other problem you two have will still be there. The communication issues you have will still be there. And you will not get more love/sex than you're getting now. Nobody changes instantly, or hardly ever, unless they do it themselves by learning and reflecting and making an effort to change. There is a lot of resentment here. That would take a lot of time and honesty and effort for you two to fix.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I guess my issue is the sex has NEVER been enough for me, she has never considered my needs because it is always on her clock, and has never really gave me that "loving attention" that many women give as a sign of affection. I do not mean oral sex, I mean just touching hugging, kissing, etc. She has NEVER walked in the door and hugged me, EVER. It is almost like she expects me to do it all. 

When we got engaged I said, "you name and time and place and I will be there". I meant that to mean I am ready today for whenever. I now find that she expected ME to get more involved there. WTF!!!!!! Do I need to plan YOUR F'N wedding too????? I seriously think marriage is more for the woman anyway. I my own mind, I said "I do" when we engaged. She apparently did not see it that way...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is a quick easy end to that if you have the stones. It goes like this:
You: I agree that his won't work. You aren't happy with me, and I have no interest in marrying someone who makes so little effort to please me. 

And then no matter what don't speak again until it ends or she asks what you want. 

Do not answer that question directly. Just tell her: if you don't know how to make me happy at this point, nothing I say will make a difference.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.
> 
> She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.


If your needs are not being met and you don't plan on marrying her, then let her go and find someone else who will meet your needs and also let her find someone who values marriage like she does. She wants to be married, so if you don't plan to marry her, break up and move on. Marriage never solves issues, they tend to just get worse. If this is not what you want, leave. 

Also, the wedding day is about BOTH of you, not just her. She is right to expect you to be involved in the planning of your wedding day when the two of you become one. Just something to think about.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Stop wasting your life and her life. Get out. It will not get better. She is who she is. As meaningful as marriage is, it solidifies what you have. It doesn't create magic. It can't put something there that was never there to begin with. You're fooling yourself, she's fooling herself and you're stagnating and procrastinating. There's a lot of history in your 3+ years, so it's hard to make the break now, but it will be even harder with more years and kids.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

bob,

How much more convincing do you need?

She didn't meet your needs while dating
She REFUSES to meet them while engaged
She wants the security of marriage (translation - She wants to lay claim to half your assests)

RUN FORREST! RUN!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bobsmith said:


> I guess my issue is the sex has NEVER been enough for me, she has never considered my needs because it is always on her clock, and has never really gave me that "loving attention" that many women give as a sign of affection. I do not mean oral sex, I mean just touching hugging, kissing, etc. She has NEVER walked in the door and hugged me, EVER. It is almost like she expects me to do it all.
> 
> When we got engaged I said, "you name and time and place and I will be there". I meant that to mean I am ready today for whenever. I now find that she expected ME to get more involved there. WTF!!!!!! Do I need to plan YOUR F'N wedding too????? I seriously think marriage is more for the woman anyway. I my own mind, I said "I do" when we engaged. She apparently did not see it that way...


Your Love langauges are terribly mismatched, this woman is NOT a *Physical Toucher*... She is *ACTS OF SERVICE,* that is why she expected you to get involved, for her...that =










You are a Physical Toucher + higher drive....daily you crave her affection, her touch....this is not on her radar, those things do not mean as much to her by her very nature....... this will be a problem for the REST OF YOUR LIVES....when the Love Languages are off, often it feels like "Work" to please the other, because you don't understand each other. Some can do this and have happy thriving marriages...but it takes concerted effort - putting ourselves out there "to please" the other on an ongoing basis...because we love them. 

Still many struggle not "getting it" why their partners don't feel loved in the same way...and resentment slowly builds over time. 










Book and tests you & her can take in this link >> 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

I like the run forest run line the best.

no baggage together,not presently happy with eachother= time for something new move on plenty of fish in the sea!!!!!!!!

use this as a learning experiance on what to look for in a mate and live happy ever after


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I wanted to update that we had a whopping 5 hr talk last night. It very much started with my elevated voice and a lot of F'Us in there because I am frankly sick of it. Though I make my own decisions in the end, I told her that when I ask people online and EVERY single one tells me to run, I know I need to look closer at this and my instincts are not lying to me. 

The thing is, she used to be a sex nut, maybe as many are when you meet. It reduced over the years but I also learned that there has been continual resentment due to my lack of ability to articulate my true feelings for her. It is something we are going to try to work on but I told her straight up, "if this sex schedule continues I WILL cheat and/or leave". I do not mean that in a hurtful way, but an honest way. I do NOT think twice/week is too much to ask along with some level of attention. Simple stuff like a kiss and hug in the morning makes my day! 

I told her she was VERY selfish in bed and we only work on HER schedule. I have needs and they need met. She heard me loud and clear so we will see what this does. I will say that she has had a horrible upbringing and hurt pretty bad in the past and I think that really molded her into a cold, non-affectionate person. I am going to try and get these walls broke down before I give up.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> she has had a horrible upbringing and hurt pretty bad in the past and I think that really molded her into a cold, non-affectionate person. I am going to try and get these walls broke down before I give up.


You can't knock down those kind of walls. She must do it and it takes professional therapy to do so.

I know because I've been there.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I agree with mavash. If we had not taken the premarital courses that we did, I wouldn't have realized just how much baggage I was bringing into my marriage. Fortunately, my husband still decided to marry me because I was committed to changing certain things. But the fact is that had I not gotten professional help we would not be where we are today.

As hypocritical I may sound, I wouldn't advise you to stay if she doesn't get help and shows a commitment to working on being better for your relationship. She has to want that for herself or you won't have a healthy relationship.

It's romantic to say "he loved me despite my baggage" but it really only works if the one with the baggage recognizes their baggage and wants to change it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

After our talk last night, she said "so I guess our next step is to find a professional to help us?" I told her before that our talks obviously just are not enough. 

TRUST - if you can or care to, could you share some basic highlights on your "baggage". I am just wondering if there are any similarities and if this is really repairable. 

I have asked and stated this bluntly that once/week is NOT enough and IMO, if, even if she is so happy with me she cannot stand it, we cannot do better, I don't want it.... I just told her that I EXPECT action tonight and for that, I will make dinner, do the dishes, and get the kids in bed. All she needs to do is take a shower and put something yummy on. I am trying to start early with the "reward" system that I think I need. 

I think there is a genuine want in her to change but I also know this won;t happen over night. These things have been programmed and taught all the way back to when she was a child in a broken home. Her own mom is a cold, shut down, ice woman and that is what she knows...


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## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

I would advise aginst the reward system.

Just do what you should do to be a good husband and expect her to do the same.

jumping through hoops to get some lovin from you spouce is bull**** she should want to make love/have sex with you. without you going overboard with all the extra chores. you are setting a persedent that will be hard to break. and even expected. if she don't desire you for you then its just not worth it.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> After our talk last night, she said "so I guess our next step is to find a professional to help us?" I told her before that our talks obviously just are not enough.
> 
> TRUST - if you can or care to, could you share some basic highlights on your "baggage". I am just wondering if there are any similarities and if this is really repairable.
> 
> ...


Please give me a minute to answer your first question, I'm on an iPad so it takes a while to respond but.....

*Do not start a reward system!*
Sex should be desired and expected I believe, not a reward in marriage. It is a basic need for a healthly relationship.
It's one thing to try to easy her load or help out because you love her but quite another to bargin for sex.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Reward system might have been the wrong terminology. She is a mother of two with lots to do. If my helping her makes her horny, I will do just that. I don't intend for this to turn into a game where I need to do certain things only to get sex but as I have learned from many wives/mothers, they find the man helping in the house to be a turn on. My partner has indicated that she really LOVES my cooking and I love to cook....So that part seems win/win.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sweaty teddy said:


> I would advise aginst the reward system.
> 
> Just do what you should do to be a good husband and expect her to do the same.
> 
> jumping through hoops to get some lovin from you spouce is bull**** she should want to make love/have sex with you. without you going overboard with all the extra chores. you are setting a persedent that will be hard to break. and even expected. if she don't desire you for you then its just not worth it.


Teddy's right

She should WANT to have sex with you! It shouldn't be duty sex (one more item to check off of her To Do list)

I would be 100% sure that this isn't the case before you marry. After a while, you'll know wheteher it's "duty sex" or not.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.
> 
> She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.


Don't believe it.If anything it'll get worse if you marry her. She'll be able to relax and slack off even more regarding your needs bc she's "safe".


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

red flag - 'she says things will be so much better once married'

so my question is WHY? Is she holding back now until she gets that ring on her finger. Don't believe a word of it

in my experience it all went downhill once we got married and it cost me a fortune to extricate myself. think long and hard my friend


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Helping her to get sex will backfire. Many men before you have tried this and many have failed.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.


1) She will not improve things once married. She IS who she IS.


More importantly:


bobsmith said:


> We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an* instant change in her*. NOTHING changed.


2) You got engaged expecting an *"instant change"*???? What the _H E L L_ for?:scratchhead: You should expect her to be her. If you did not like the relationship the way it was.. If you do not think she is loving enough... WHY would you ask her to marry you???? Why would you assume her love for you would magically "change".?

At least you were smart enough to only get engaged.. although it seems to me to be for the wrong reasons.

Sounds so much like the fishy wife that marries a man expecting to change him. THen years later complains because "He is not the man she married".

Sorry.. but you've got this one all wrong. Cut the ties.
(sooner the better)

Next time, if you ever propose to a lady again... make sure it is because She_ Absolutely _Rocks your world. That she is so special you just can't ever imaging yourself living without her. That she has the personality & the loving characteristics of the woman you want sitting in that rocking chair next to you when you're old & grey.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> My partner and I of many years have never closed the marriage deal. It is apparently really bothering her now but I never married because I never felt like I was getting enough in the relationship yet to do it. We have been engaged 3 yrs though in which I thought that engagement would have meant an instant change in her. NOTHING changed.
> 
> *She says things will so much better once married *but I am having a hard time with that.


Let me put it to you like this:

An abuser (just random example) tells his lady he will stop abusing her...once they get married. 

Would you tell her to marry him? 

Granted, abuse is a big leap here as an example but I am just trying to explain this to you.

Essentially: a piece of paper, wedding ceremony, and some words exchanged in a vow don't mean D!CK at the end fo the day if the two people in the relationship refuse to meet eachothers' needs.

And why would you want to marry someone you have reservations about?

Marriage isn't a magic pill that cures everything and takes you into Fantasy Land. Marriage is a COMMITTMENT to both staying together long-term and working your stuff out. I think that if you are not 100% sold on marrying, you SHOULD NOT DO IT. Because anything less than being 100% sure isn't good enough for marriage.

You have to want it. Not doubt it.

Marriage usually brings to eye the most awful parts of your partner and of yourself and magnifies them x 10. So whatever issues you have now are NOT going to go away just because you signed a legal document. 

No way. No how. 

You need to seriously talk to her. If you're not on the same page, don't do it, bro.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Bob,
Does she have a day job?

Are they your biological children?





bobsmith said:


> Reward system might have been the wrong terminology. She is a mother of two with lots to do. If my helping her makes her horny, I will do just that. I don't intend for this to turn into a game where I need to do certain things only to get sex but as I have learned from many wives/mothers, they find the man helping in the house to be a turn on. My partner has indicated that she really LOVES my cooking and I love to cook....So that part seems win/win.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, maybe I am explaining it wrong, but I don't think what I am proposing is wrong. A man should be expected to help around the house, etc, or at least that is how I was raised and what she wants. If that helps make her happy and get some burden away from her so we can have some alone time, so be it. It kind of seems that these are things I should be expected to do regardless. 

Regarding the "duty" sex, I really appreciate that and will bring that up tonight. I emailed her to ask what frequency she would see as healthy IF we are otherwise peachy. I will further mention that if this will become a "chore" for you and you will later resent it, then it still won't work out.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Bob,
> Does she have a day job?
> 
> Are they your biological children?


MEM, yes, she actually works very hard, on her feet all day. Works 5 days/week and the 6th she chases supplies and such. 

We do have 2 kids together. I do feel for her in some of this and cannot turn a cold heart to her, because I know there is more to it than I can put into works on the Inet.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> Regarding the "duty" sex, I really appreciate that and will bring that up tonight. I emailed her to ask what frequency she would see as healthy IF we are otherwise peachy. I will further mention that if this will become a "chore" for you and you will later resent it, then it still won't work out.


I think it's good for you to talk to her (very important) but I wouldn't phrase it to her lik ehow you said.

Ask what what frequency you both want for sex and discuss it. D ont say "You will alter resent it, etc" cause that sounds like an ultimatum.

Just be honest and tell her you want to get LAID, baby (lol) and come to a compromise. Note that you BOTH have to work at this. Are you also meeting her needs emotionally? cause women tie their libido into sex. You both must work at this. If one partner refuses, then it's a one-sided relationshjiop and that does not bode well for a marriage (or any other kind of romantic entanglement).

The bottom line is that JUST because you get married, it does NOT make everything in your relationship better. Marriage (while, a great thing) does not propel you into Candyland whee everything is unicorns and rainbows. It's WORK.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> MEM, yes, she actually works very hard, on her feet all day. Works 5 days/week and the 6th she chases supplies and such.
> 
> We do have 2 kids together. I do feel for her in some of this and cannot turn a cold heart to her, because I know there is more to it than I can put into works on the Inet.


Complications... Like JellyBean said you need to communicate with her on so many levels.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> TRUST - if you can or care to, could you share some basic highlights on your "baggage". I am just wondering if there are any similarities and if this is really repairable.


As far as sexual intimacy, I didn't have a healthy view on sex. Cultural and some religious beliefs attributed it that, but also the fact that sex was just not discussed in my home. I still had sex, but couldn't enjoy or admit that I enjoyed it. So i had a lot if misinformation. I had to learn soo much, like my husband doesnt just want sex from me as i thought about all men, body image issues, and the fact that i was just naive and embarrassed regarding sex even though I may have had a lot of sex with a boyfriend. I was too embarrassed to learn what I really needed to know about a man's body. This may not be applicable to your situation, but majority of my issues.

In general I also didn't have a great view on what a marriage should be like because my parents had a dysfunctional one. I didn't know how to open up emotionally, and be vulnerable, getting over past hurts, etc.

Now some of these things I knew on a surface level prior to my relationship w/my H. Thing is, we took an a 4 week premarital course and many things started coming out. I then chose to start individual counceling. Something I knew I probably needed in the back of my mind but never addressed.

Even though your situation may not even be remotely close to mine, I think it can be fixed/managed with the right help and patience. Changes don't happen over night, but I stress she really has to show she is committed to finding out and working on whatever her issues are. But you also have to be committed to supporting her if she does. If not I would not get married.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

homebuilder said:


> Someone once told me that the first year of marriage every time you have sex put a penny in a jar. After the first year every time you have sex take a penny out. You may never run out of pennies.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

And at this rate... geesh.. I'll invest it & have a nice retirement savings. JK.

For us, it wasn't year 1, but year 2. 
(Year 1 he had a job on the road). Year 2 he got a job in our city. 
by year 3 we were taking care of little bundle of joy &... welll... that's the rest of the story.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

TRUST - she also has some serious family model issues as well. Going through 3 step dads, having one verbally abusive one, a mother that is cold, and no one in her whole family that has stayed married. She was also married before for 1 yr and said it turned south within 48hrs. I hit that HARD and asked WHY did it fail?? I just don't think she has ever seen a real family work so not even sure how to do it. Her mom is VERY selfish and now she is. 

I want to try to repair this before quitting, or I would not be here. We USED TO have great sex before. Almost daily and she is a GOD with oral but I have not had that now in probably 6-12mo. You can't sell me on that, then take it away!!

I told her that I really think a LOT of marriages go south with this EXACT BS!!! Woman wants to be married. Puts out to get married. Man marries to keep the sex happening. Woman finally gets what she wants and stops putting out. Man extends middle finger and moves on, usually to a young cat that will put out....Why can't woman get it that if a man is sexually satisfied, he does not have the desire to shop around?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> MEM, yes, she actually works very hard, on her feet all day. Works 5 days/week and the 6th she chases supplies and such.
> 
> We do have 2 kids together. I do feel for her in some of this and cannot turn a cold heart to her, because I know there is more to it than I can put into works on the Inet.


2 kids together and a 3 year engagement? Did you have the kids before or after you were engaged?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Before engagement. Neither were obviously planned. we were engaged when our youngest was born. I am looking back now wondering where the time went....


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I have this vision in my head of bob asking

"Is THIS the line I stand in to give half my sh!t away?"


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> *She says things will so much better once married but I am having a hard time with that.*


Can I just say that I over looked this part before I wrote my long drawn out posts. Lol

The main point I'm really getting at, is that I very well could see myself like your fiancée, and I don't see it getting any better if help is not involved. Marriage doesn't make you automatically become unselfish or want sex all the time after the newlywed phase.

I should also mention that I didnt have a sexual relationship w/my husband before marriage even though we both had sexual pasts,and we had a short engagement. But because of that we *had * to have some serious talks. And he honestly told me what he expected and would not deal with out of a sexual relationship. See he took a chance on me that many wouldn't take during that time, but you should be sure and comfortable with your decision before you marry.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> Before engagement. Neither were obviously planned. we were engaged when our youngest was born. I am looking back now wondering where the time went....


Honestly, I'd be frustrated and resentful and _tired _if I were her. 2 _young _children that you didn't plan for, you proposed and then you still don't want to marry her, she has a tough job 5 days a week plus other work on the 6th day, you're resentful of her because you aren't getting enough sex or the kind of sex and affection you want...you two are stuck in a cycle of resentment.

MC sounds like a good idea to try and break through all of this.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While I don't completely disagree with the need for counseling, I see this woman as a blackmailer.

The only way to stop a blackmailer is to refuse them

Cancel the engagement. You'll save THOUSANDS in therepy years down the road. Heck, it may even wake her up!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> TRUST -
> 
> I want to try to repair this before quitting, or I would not be here. We USED TO have great sex before. Almost daily and she is a GOD with oral but I have not had that now in probably 6-12mo. You can't sell me on that, then take it away!!
> 
> I told her that I really think a LOT of marriages go south with this EXACT BS!!! Woman wants to be married. Puts out to get married. Man marries to keep the sex happening. Woman finally gets what she wants and stops putting out. Man extends middle finger and moves on, usually to a young cat that will put out....Why can't woman get it that if a man is sexually satisfied, he does not have the desire to shop around?


:iagree:

It's starting to make me wonder if there are underling issues in your relationship besides her childhood.

The only thing I can advise is MC before you make your final decision.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

what changes is she gets 1/2 of everything, and you get 1/2 of the sex you used to get.

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

I kid, I kid.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It's starting to make me wonder if there are underling issues in your relationship besides her childhood.
> 
> The only thing I can advise is MC before you make your final decision.


I am VERY certain there is a laundry list of issues we are going to have to look straight in the face before the year is up. Like I said, we had a 5hr talk last night and that is one of a few of them lately. It is a start but last night is the first time I have ever said point blank "put out or get out". (not in those words) She wants more from me, she is going to have to do something for me, NOT the family. I threw it at her hard that I have built and done many things for her directly and expected nothing in return. I cannot think of ONE single thing she has ever done for me that even comes close. Grabbing something at the store while you are there is "thoughtful" but IMO, not in the same league as gathering hundreds of dollars of supplies and building a complete bathroom, deck, etc. NOT even my house! Just saying...

My original question was if the sex life could actually improve with marriage and I think I got a unanimous answer. I better be REAL happy before I get married because it is only going to get worse....FFFFFF


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Once she goes thru menopause and her sex drive shifts into HD or high gear.. Then you might get more sex!
> But, that's a looooonnggg wait.. and only an iffy chance that High sex drive will be one of her pre-menopausal symptoms


Don't bet the farm on this!

Many women friends that my wife and I know have had the opposite effect. They don't want sex at all since menopause


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Whether you're married or not, the sex tends to decline over time... age, life, and familiarity all play a part.

Marriage itself doesn't change anything.


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