# I should have listened to you guys...



## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

SO hello again, as I return with my tail between my legs....

A little background....my H was a "recovering alcoholic" , had been sober for 3 years when I met him. Our relationship was kind of a whirlwind...met, got engaged and married all in about 2 years. There was a lot of separation due to his military career. In Sept 2015, we got order to come to Germany. The move was stressful, and in December, right before we left, he "fell off the wagon" and downed a case of beer. I believed the "I'm sorry's" and the "It'll never happen again's" and he, my 3 teenage daughters and I moved here to Germany. I'm March, it happened again, only this time, he was angry and aggressive, breaking things, being hateful. I posted about it on TAM, and got a lot of great insight and advice telling me to leave. I refused it though, thinking I was strong enough to make it work, not wanting to give up, "no one knows him like I do", all those lies you tell yourself when you want something so bad. 

But he kept drinking. Just the once in March. But then a little again in June. And even more in July. But I wanted to trust his empty promises, so I stuck around to witness more of it in August. Each time was a little worse, a little more obvious. Harder to hide from the girls, harder to deny to myself what was happening. 

Well, he proved you all right on Sunday when he went on another drinking binge and ended up assaulting me, destroyed my belongings, threatened me, and verbally attacked my daughters. Now, there is a restraining order in place, I'm moving back to the states, and I feel like an idiot for letting it get to this point. 

The things he said to me during all this were designed to destroy me as a person, humiliate me as a woman. It's so hard replaying all the ugliness in my head. How could I have fallen in love with someone who so easily set out to hurt me and my kids? How could I have allowed this?

The hardest part is knowing that I endangered my daughters because I wanted so badly to make my marriage work. I kept believing what I wanted to believe instead off seeing what was right in front of my eyes. Makes me think I can't even trust myself at this point. 

Thanks for listening......

Peaf


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

The title of your thread is something no one wants to hear. You have been heard.

The safety of you and your girls is the ONLY thing that matters at this moment. You obviously know what you have to do and at least you are or seem to be physically unharmed in any permanant way.

Do not feel stupid or guilty. If you stuck around here, many do things that are not exactly sensible even when all these strangers tell them otherwise.

You will recover when you get away from this.

Keep posting for support and take whatever steps necessary to get away geographically from this man so there is no chance of this happening again. A RO is one thing but we know that sometimes that is not enough.

Get out of there.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Heavens no... there is no shame for you. 

You did the best you could under horrible circumstances, no one here will fault you for that.

Take a moment of self-compassion, your daughters know your heart and your efforts... they will learn many good things from your struggle and will be more aware as they enter life and relationships. I know I fell a time or two for my children, they thank me many ways for taking the hit for them as they look at what life throws at them.

Carry yourself with pride that you woke in time... it could have been worse.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Peaf said:


> I kept believing what I wanted to believe instead off seeing what was right in front of my eyes. Makes me think I can't even trust myself at this point.


Welcome to the human race.....

Do not feel bad about yourself, you tried the best you could do. Now it is clear.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

As long as you have gotten away from him, that's the important part.

Lots of people make misteaks.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Peaf the only mistake now would be to give him another chance. Sorry you're back under these circumstances.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

Sorry for what you're going through... my dad was a raging abusive alcoholic so I can relate. My mom wasn't able to kick him out until she discovered his affair though... she allowed the abuse to continue until then. It takes a lot of strength to leave and I can imagine even more so being in a foreign country and away from home. Stay strong and stay safe... you and your girls will survive this... my brothers and I did. (((hugs)))


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I am so sorry. You didn't fall in love with the person who later treated you like he did. He is/was another person when he's not drinking. This has nothing to do with you at all. Right now; you take care of your daughters and yourself and get away from him. This is your job right now. Have you ever been to Al-Anon? Once you get back to the states and are settled-you might want to check these meetings out. It will help you see this was not your fault. Take care of yourself~


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You married him sober and you had no way of knowing what was going to happen. This is in no way, your fault. You gave it a chance and his addiction destroyed it. Do not blame yourself. Take care of yourself and your daughters. That is what's important now.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Learn from the good in all of this... He could have done more harm but you were wise enough to take the measures necessary before it got to that point. Glad that you and your girls are safe.

TAM can be wrong sometimes but I find that when it's right... it's spot on.

It's easy enough for outsiders to take an objective viewpoint on a situation. Things rarely ever get better when there are signs. They tend to get worse and a person has to reach absolute rock bottom AND be completely willing to change for anything to happen. You're a human being with feelings. It's natural that you would wish the best to happen and to be blind to the less than best behaviors.

Alcohol is a very manipulative master. It's not for you to diagnose or understand. Without intense therapy you can only guess the reasons that a person would want to drink themselves into an abusive state.

When you said you went to Germany, I was pretty much fearing the worst. There is a LOT of alcohol consumption as part of the culture (lived many years in the UK myself) and to this day I'm still amazed at how much more I drank over there without even realizing it or really intending to.

I hope your girls are doing okay... make sure they go to therapy to talk anything out that they need to. Likely they will keep some feelings from you because they may think it will cause you to suffer more than you already have. It's better to get unspoken words and feelings out now than to let it fester. All the best.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. He came today (with an escort, and while we were away from the house) to get some of his belongings, and he took my car that he was"buying for me", which I, of course, expected (I want to cut all ties in any case). I'm hope he had taken everything he needs as I don't ever want to see him again....EVER. I sent the last of the pictures of his destructive BS to the investigator last night, and now i just want to get the hell out of here. I'm gonna push his command to get us back before the end of the month. I really don't feel safe here, especially after this no contact order is lifted. I just want us to get back home and move on with our lives. The idea of the divorce and all the legal stuff is weighing heavy on me, but I know I need to take it one step at a time, and just focus on getting physically away from him for good. I can't sleep, my appetite is all screwed up, I've lost 5 pounds in 5 days, I worry about the girls, I even worry about my little dog, and all the time having to put on a strong front for the girls and to get things moving is exhausting. I feel like I'm going to fall to pieces at the first sign of some kind of relief, but right now is all about holding it together. I realized today when we were leaving before they came how scared I am of him. Like anxiety attack scared. It's so unnerving, I've never felt this way before and i hate that he has taken the feeling of being safe in our own home and destroyed that for me and the girls. 

Anyways, I just wanted to thank you guys for the strength and support.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

How are you doing, Peaf?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Peaf, you are good, you are brave, you are strong, you are loving.

You are a true Heroine of TAM. :allhail:

Whilst it's true that your picking mechanism didn't work, this was because you fell in love with the sober man, not the abusive jerk that he was to become. 

But that's down to him, not down to you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Peaf .... you went above and beyond what most would have. NEVER hang your head.

Not recalling your backstory and it may have already been said.... He's running from something.....

Something which happened to him a long time ago. Many people feel if they run long enough,

their problems will disappear. They don't... and the mistakes they make while running and attempting

to deal with them (before... again running) are the same. Repeatedly executed over and over and over


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Heavens no... there is no shame for you.
> 
> You did the best you could under horrible circumstances, no one here will fault you for that.
> 
> ...


You said just what I was thinking! Your girls will learn that a woman is strong enough to stay to try to make it work and also strong enough to leave when she knows she must. Keep your head up and get out of there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Peaf said:


> i just want to get the hell out of here. I'm gonna push his command to get us back before the end of the month. I really don't feel safe here, especially after this no contact order is lifted. I just want us to get back home and move on with our lives.


I'm not understanding why you need his commanding officer's assistance to get back to the states, given that you're leaving him. 

Just go.


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## Sephirox (Sep 18, 2016)

I don't really know what to say but I hope you make it back home safely, best wishes to you and I really hope everything will work out.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What you have is codependency. It doesn't make you a bad person but if you don't address it you'll find yourself in another relationship with the same problem. Work on figuring out why you allowed yourself to stay in this situation when most healthy people would have left. You may have to go back into your childhood to understand why you don't feel that your feelings and desires matter more than those of others.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Peaf there is no shame in trying to make things work, trying to keep a family together, the shame is on him for destroying that over and over again. Now you can look in the mirror and know you did all you could do, but some people are beyond help. Maybe one day when he is alone, and sober he will acknowledge what he did and how he did it. I hope nothing but good things for you and your girls. Your a good person and a good mom, and one day you will find someone who will appreciate that, because i know your girls do already.


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