# Husband refuses my sexual needs



## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right? 
I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

let me know how u makeout

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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Has your husband provided any real and reasonable responses for why he is not meeting your needs?

Has your sex life always been like this and you are now looking to expand or was it hot and wild before and died off a bit and you want to re-start the fires again?

People will also ask about change in home life/work, etc to see if there are outside stresses making an impact on your personal lives.

Hope there is no 'other outlet' for sexual needs at this point.

Good luck.


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## h02venon69 (May 14, 2018)

Jfgirlal said:


> Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
> 
> For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right?
> 
> I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?



Great courage to come and talk about something so important to you.. You done well by telling him your needs as a woman in the bed. Maybe if you go slow with him. Show him how you want to be sexually engaged... And if nothing happens than have to go to plan B


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

How often do you guys have sex? When it happens, who initiates, or is it pretty equal? Do you guys both have stressful jobs? Do you divide household chores/child activities equally? Do you make time for each other?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

How often do you guys have sex? Also is it just more adventurous/rougher sex? What does he say when you bring it up to him? Finally what is his age?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

My guess is he will not change. And if he doesn't have much sex drive or passion that is not something he can fake. You will no in a second if he tries to just fake the passion and excitement your looking for and you will not be satisfied except in the fact that he tried, which will be enough for a little while but then you'll want it for real and he will not be able to deliver. Lots of women become more and more sexual as the age, I know my wife has. But usually its nothing but great because most men are horny and happy to oblige. 

Now there is one hope I can think of. You could see if he has low testosterone. If he does you may be able to get a doc to prescribe testosterone therapy. Get him a higher level of testosterone and then he might become a beast in bed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Unless you know of other reasons already, then yes a good physical and completely blood panel is in hubby's future if he's receptive to your communication. 

Being married longer than 15 years can cause a certain level of boredom in the bedroom. That's where clear communication excels between spouses.

It can be sponsored by one or both. Persist until you know you've gotten your point across.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jfgirlal said:


> Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
> For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right?
> I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?


Why do you think your H refuses? Is your H a video game player? Use of any porn?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Posts like this always sort of trigger me, not in an angry way but in a drudging up feelings way. My STBXW was VERY active before me and I was a virgin. We had an active sex life, exciting during the few years we dating and were engaged and then it tapered off in marriage. It really went down hill over the years and over the last 5 years, I was luck to get it once every 2 months. Problem is, that she never stopped wanting it, she just basically stopped wanting it from me is what I gather now after the affair. 

It triggers me because I just gave up trying on a consistent basis and only tried like once a month over the past few years, which was usually meant with rejection. I wanted nothing more than just to be intimate with my wife. She would say thing, like she wish it wasn't important in the marriage and she could go years without it. I took that as her drive being gone but I valued have a full family with my kids more than anything else, that is what brought me true happiness and fulfillment and figured that down the road when the kids where grown we could rev things up again, so I fell on the sword for her, so I thought.

Came back to bite me with her blame shifting and projection after after discovery of the affair. She said she didn't think I was attracted to her, that I didn't want to try things with her, all false. I just couldn't take the rejection anymore so I didn't try as often. In the emails and texts that I saw between them she talked about the things she wanted to or actually did with him, things I always wanted to do and it hurt to see, that's what I wanted with her.

I guess what I'm saying and I think you have mentioned it, is that you must make sure you husband fully knows what you need and want. I was supposed to be a mind reader and it ended up getting my marriage killed. I realize she probably would have cheated anyway, lots of issues and back story here but man I wish she would have just spelled it out to me and I would have gladly obliged on all of that. 

Would be worth counseling and a lot of heart to heart talks to let him know BLATANTLY how important this is to you, leave it all on the field. 

Also, every time I see a woman post this, I think of this meme from Spongebob (take unsatisfied partners and push them with unsatisfied partners of the opposite sex). So many men and women in relationships that want lots of variety and action with their partner in a monogamous relationship but so many seem to be in mis-matched situations. I hope in your case and in most if gets fixed between you both and not after (a split).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like he doesn't have a lot of passion for you, otherwise he'd be showing it. He probably hasn't been able to provide anything more because it's not something you can fake/manufacture, it's either there or it's not.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

Thank you all so much. He is also 39 and I’ve asked him to go to counseling, to have testosterone and other things checked, etc. And he knows exactly what I want from him. Hes not a mind reader and wouldnt know otherwise. I love him and want all of this with only him. It just breaks my heart that he just won’t. One night things were a little different... at least starting out, but by the end it was the same as always: he was focusing all on himself and not about pleasing me, also. 
This morning we had a discussion about it again. He said ‘have I not done the things you want?’ I said, ‘once a few months ago’ and he said ‘more than once’ He will try to justify why its not happening or shift blame.
I want him to WANT me as much as I want him. I dont want him to fake it. 
I’m at the end of my rope. I keep procrastinating about making a decision on what to do because I’m hoping he will change. I dont think thats going to happen though.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Jfgirlal said:


> I dont think thats going to happen though.


QFT.

39 is young, just sayin'.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> Thank you all so much. He is also 39 and I’ve asked him to go to counseling, to have testosterone and other things checked, etc. And he knows exactly what I want from him. Hes not a mind reader and wouldnt know otherwise. I love him and want all of this with only him. It just breaks my heart that he just won’t. One night things were a little different... at least starting out, but by the end it was the same as always: he was focusing all on himself and not about pleasing me, also.
> This morning we had a discussion about it again. He said ‘have I not done the things you want?’ I said, ‘once a few months ago’ and he said ‘more than once’ He will try to justify why its not happening or shift blame.
> I want him to WANT me as much as I want him. I dont want him to fake it.
> I’m at the end of my rope. I keep procrastinating about making a decision on what to do because I’m hoping he will change. I dont think thats going to happen though.


2 Questions
1. Is he willing to go to counseling?
2. Has it always been vanilla and if not, when did it change?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Jfgirlal said:


> Thank you all so much. He is also 39 and I’ve asked him to go to counseling, to have testosterone and other things checked, etc. And he knows exactly what I want from him. Hes not a mind reader and wouldnt know otherwise. I love him and want all of this with only him. It just breaks my heart that he just won’t. One night things were a little different... at least starting out, but by the end it was the same as always: he was focusing all on himself and not about pleasing me, also.
> This morning we had a discussion about it again. He said ‘have I not done the things you want?’ I said, ‘once a few months ago’ and he said ‘more than once’ He will try to justify why its not happening or shift blame.
> I want him to WANT me as much as I want him. I dont want him to fake it.
> I’m at the end of my rope. I keep procrastinating about making a decision on what to do because I’m hoping he will change. I dont think thats going to happen though.


OP, can you clarify what exactly it is that you want from your husband? What did you tell him you wanted besides "passion and a little roughness, anything besides vanilla sex"? Can your husband echo (like repeat in his own words) exactly what it is you want from him?

Is it possible that your husband simply does not know how to do the things that you ask? Is it possible that he has anxiety about doing things beyond what you describe as vanilla sex? Is it possible that he does not do these things because he does not enjoy doing them? Is it possible that your husband does not want to do these things because he wants to punish you for not being satisfied with who he is? Is it possible that your husband feels emasculated by you being disappointed in him sexually and that emasculation has become a block to him being vulnerable enough to try new things with you? Have you asked your husband what he wants from you sexually?

Do you know where your husband learned about sex? Do you know what his first sexual experience was like? Do you know what he thinks about sex? Have you ever asked your husband how it makes him feel to know that you are disappointed in him sexually?

Lots of questions but very important to get a more holistic understanding of the problem.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jfgirlal said:


> Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
> For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right?
> I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?


Only you can answer that question. I personally don't think you are being unreasonable.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bikermehound said:


> let me know how u makeout
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


No pun intended right?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jfgirlal said:


> Thank you all so much. He is also 39 and I’ve asked him to go to counseling, to have testosterone and other things checked, etc. And he knows exactly what I want from him. Hes not a mind reader and wouldnt know otherwise. I love him and want all of this with only him. It just breaks my heart that he just won’t. One night things were a little different... at least starting out, but by the end it was the same as always: he was focusing all on himself and not about pleasing me, also.
> This morning we had a discussion about it again. He said ‘have I not done the things you want?’ I said, ‘once a few months ago’ and he said ‘more than once’ He will try to justify why its not happening or shift blame.
> I want him to WANT me as much as I want him. I dont want him to fake it.
> I’m at the end of my rope. I keep procrastinating about making a decision on what to do because I’m hoping he will change. I dont think thats going to happen though.


Have you tried to seduce him at all? Like maybe he needs a different dynamic to get him to think differently?


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## h02venon69 (May 14, 2018)

Jfgirlal said:


> Thank you all so much. He is also 39 and I’ve asked him to go to counseling, to have testosterone and other things checked, etc. And he knows exactly what I want from him. Hes not a mind reader and wouldnt know otherwise. I love him and want all of this with only him. It just breaks my heart that he just won’t. One night things were a little different... at least starting out, but by the end it was the same as always: he was focusing all on himself and not about pleasing me, also.
> This morning we had a discussion about it again. He said ‘have I not done the things you want?’ I said, ‘once a few months ago’ and he said ‘more than once’ He will try to justify why its not happening or shift blame.
> I want him to WANT me as much as I want him. I dont want him to fake it.
> I’m at the end of my rope. I keep procrastinating about making a decision on what to do because I’m hoping he will change. I dont think thats going to happen though.




It's just sad to say but sometimes you both need some time alone or apart... So you both can think and put everything in a scale. And start taking back like it was when you guys met....


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

Stillfightingforus, he says he won’t go to counseling. And, its always been boring. Used to that didnt bother me but now it does:
Keke24, all great questions. I will start asking those tonight.
Sokillme, I have tried more than once to seduce him. I’ve also begged him to take me ‘parking’ and things like that. He said no for the longest time then finally took me to get me to shut up (or thats how it felt) so it was awkward. He focused himself and when he was done he complained that somebody probably saw us, the seats were messed up, etc.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jfgirlal said:


> Thank you all so much. He is also 39 and I’ve asked him to go to counseling, to have testosterone and other things checked, etc. And he knows exactly what I want from him. Hes not a mind reader and wouldnt know otherwise. I love him and want all of this with only him. It just breaks my heart that he just won’t. One night things were a little different... at least starting out, but by the end it was the same as always: he was focusing all on himself and not about pleasing me, also.
> This morning we had a discussion about it again. He said ‘have I not done the things you want?’ I said, ‘once a few months ago’ and he said ‘more than once’ He will try to justify why its not happening or shift blame.
> I want him to WANT me as much as I want him. I dont want him to fake it.
> I’m at the end of my rope. I keep procrastinating about making a decision on what to do because I’m hoping he will change. I dont think thats going to happen though.


You know what, everyone is going to tell you how to fix your husband...It won't work, it never will.

IMHO, if at 39 he has not learned the cardinal rule about sex he never will. 

What is the cardinal rule, it is all about her needs. Always has been always will be.

So if he has not figured that out, you need to have this talk: " Do you love me? (Yes, hopefully) Do you want to stay married to me? (Yes, hopefully) Then you have to step up your game in the area of sex or I will divorce you. 

It is really that simple. And for the life of me, why there are women out there whose husbands refuse to meet their needs if beyond me. I don't understand it, I will never understand it. Same goes for women. 

Look, the things you want are completely main stream, and there is nothing wrong with any of them. In fact in my experience, most women want it rougher, many, many of them want at the very least some light BDSM. But a huge majority of them absolutely want to be "Taken" and the want the man to "Make" them do what they want. 

This is standard stuff. 

For example, I am really kind of a sensual lover by nature. I love it when a woman wants that. But most want something a little rougher and I am happy to give that to them as well. With GF, she has different moods. Sometimes she wants it soft but passionate. Sometimes she want is rough. Sometimes she wants the full "Treatment". Actually, lately, she really seems to want the full "treatment" a lot. It is not my natural thing. But all I did was read up a little on the finer points and she thinks I am an expert, LOL. 

So I don't want to bum you out, but here is the thing. You as a woman are in your prime in everyway. Any man that does not get that is a fool. If he won't get with the program, and go to a good sex therapist then you will need to think about leaving the marriage. 

If you read a lot of these sites you will see how much people regret putting up with little to no sex, or bad sex, or vanilla sex. They end up wasting the best years of their lives WAITING on their spouse to get it. 

Don't do that...


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## bikermehound (Mar 24, 2017)

i know i'am47 and i can still get it up on my own i feel like iam wasting my sex life now with out having sex at crossroads here on what to do

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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Sad to hear your story, I can commiserate.

When single people are looking to get married, they need to get in one of two lines. Those with ****ty attitudes towards sex and those with good attitudes towards sex. Let these two groups mingle amongst themselves and never let the two meet. 

Might even help the divorce rate??


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Jfgirlal said:


> Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
> For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right?
> I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?


I'm predisposed to believe that your husband probably isn't paying enough attention to your sexual needs.....

But, I have a question

What if your husband's sexual need was to have "rougher" sex, but you didn't like it?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sexual mismatches are a huge source of misery - something many of us have or are experiencing. Either party can feel rejected. There are a lot of theads on this this general topic so its worth browsing since some people may not want to repeat themselves.

For a very different perspective, look at asexuality.org which has discussions on the much more extreme cases where someone has basically no sexual interest at all. That isn't your situation, but it provides a viewpoint from a different direction. 

These situations are very difficult to change. You are unlikely to stop wanting what you want. He is unlikely to suddenly develop a desire for more passionate sex. 

Sometimes when there is a mismatch in the level of desire, the person with the lower libido can become very sexually selfish. Their desperate partner will agree to any sexual activity at any time - so the low libido person can stat to feel like they can get away with anything - or nothing.


I'm in the same boat as you - I wish my wife were more passionate, more open to new things. I want to feel desired and loved. Its simply not going to happen.

You have my, and other people's sympathy. Being rejected by the person you love hurts very badly.

In the end though, if he won't change, and it sounds like he won't, you need to decide if you are willing to live the rest of your life like this. Its a choice only you can make .


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> OP, can you clarify what exactly it is that you want from your husband? What did you tell him you wanted besides "passion and a little roughness, anything besides vanilla sex"? Can your husband echo (like repeat in his own words) exactly what it is you want from him?
> 
> Is it possible that your husband simply does not know how to do the things that you ask? Is it possible that he has anxiety about doing things beyond what you describe as vanilla sex? Is it possible that he does not do these things because he does not enjoy doing them? Is it possible that your husband does not want to do these things because he wants to punish you for not being satisfied with who he is?* Is it possible that your husband feels emasculated by you being disappointed in him sexually and that emasculation has become a block to him being vulnerable enough to try new things with you? *Have you asked your husband what he wants from you sexually?
> 
> ...


The bolded is a very interesting possibility.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If the sexes were reversed....

The advice given would most likely be to work hard to try to inspire passion and the sex your want in your partner.

You say you want more passion. Do you show HIM passion???


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If he is only focusing on himself, then it will NEVER change. You don’t flip a switch after 20 years. Tell him you want to separate and want to ride a **** knowing that guy wants to please you. You need more sexually and before you die, which nobody knows when will happen.

Seriously, a selfish partner is second worse to a partner not putting out at all. I say gtfo


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

It's a little unorthodox, but if you aren't ashamed to do it, watch TV in bed with him and mistakenly 'on purpose', put a porno station on. I'm not talking about that soft porn stuff. I'm talking raunchy. Make sure you're wearing something well above the knee. Sliver close to him and see what happens from there. Here's what might happen.

If you aren't too embarrassed to watch porn, that's win #1.
If he isn't too embarrassed to watch it with you that's win #2.
If neither of you are talking through it (diversionary nervousness) but actually watching the film, (quiet arousal) that's win #3

After win #3, it's only a matter of time. It's nearly impossible to watch porn without the headboards hitting the walls inside 30 minutes. If you want to speed things up, throw a leg over him and grind a little. OVER!!!!! You should be on your back within minutes. I'm hyper sexual, but I can't see even normal people watching porn and not wanting to get busy. I presume there are, but I've never known such an individual.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You new guys should stop using your pictures as you avatars. They can be traced back using image lookup. Also @Jfgirlal if you want to quote people by name put an @ in front of the person's name and it will alert them to you answering them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jfgirlal said:


> Stillfightingforus, he says he won’t go to counseling. And, its always been boring. Used to that didnt bother me but now it does:
> Keke24, all great questions. I will start asking those tonight.
> Sokillme, I have tried more than once to seduce him. I’ve also begged him to take me ‘parking’ and things like that. He said no for the longest time then finally took me to get me to shut up (or thats how it felt) so it was awkward. He focused himself and when he was done he complained that somebody probably saw us, the seats were messed up, etc.


*OK, he won't go to marriage counseling! Will he go to sexual therapy?

Just some questions regarding your sex life:

(1) Is he or has he ever been aversive to either performing oral on you or you on him? How about any other sex act? 

(2) Have you had any one-on-one vacation time alone with him?

(3) Have you been suspect of any infidelity on his part?

(4) Has he had a history of or even occasionally had ED problems? 

(5) Are the two of you religiously active?*


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@Angelwanderer I have been dealing with this for years and I keep talking to him, he apologizes and says it will get better, it never does. This has happened multiple times. So at this point I’m ready to give up.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@Buddy400 I have thought of that and even told him if the shoe was on the other foot and I knew it was that important to him I would do whatever it took to make him happy and keep him from cheating on me.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@Livvie As much as he’ll let me


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@arbitrator 1. He’s not opposed to oral. 2. Yes, nothing was different 3. No 4. No 5. No


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Jfgirlal You want rough sex.

Exactly how rough?

Rough sex can cause all sorts of problems. As the Eric Schneiderman case shows.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Ok, JF, been thinking about this since I read the latest round of your responses. It appears you are at the end of taking what you can in this situation and that you are ready to drastic measures. As an optimist and someone that still believes in how important marriage is, especially to the kids, this is how I would tackle it.

If you give him an ultimatum from a sexual standpoint, you are both going to lose and it will be most likely be over.

I think the ultimatum has to be given from the counseling standpoint. There is some reason, some deep seeded reason for his reservations. This is what I would recommend. Talk to him about your concerns again and this time, it will be time to bring up how important this is to you from a, you are willing to separate standpoint, that is how unhappy you are. And that you want to keep the family together but you need him to put forth the effort to join you in counseling. It's a must. Then what I would recommend is talking to the marriage counselor on your own. Have him talk to the marriage counselor on his own and then either after that or the next session, you are all in the same room. That way both of you get time to say what you need to say without being intimidated and it will give the counselor a good place to start and lead into.

From the guys like me that tried to save the marriage on our own, it just boggles my mind who guys can think the way they do and not be willing to at least give some effort to take what is right in front of them but then again, that's why this forum is so busy. Human nature, human emotions, it's still impossible to understand the whys of what people do what they do and think how they do.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@MattMatt I don’t mean so rough I need a safe word. I mean, just some ocassional hair pulling or something. Show me you want me. Throw me against a wall, cover my mouth and **** me.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

stillfightingforus said:


> There is some reason, some deep seeded reason for his reservations.


Men are taught from a very young age to be easy and gentle with women. Hard to just flip that switch at age ?39? when your spouse says she wants you to be more passionate and physical.

And even when a spouse is telling you they want "more" - you still question where that line is going to be drawn between what is and isn't acceptable.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@stillfightingforus Great advice. I have, in the past, asked him to go to counseling and he refused. (Fyi, our 11 yr old is in counseling right now due to her daddys temper and yelling. But thats another story. He refuses to go to her sessions, too) 
I feel like I’m still begging him by giving him options AGAIN. But its worth a try. I just don’t get it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jfgirlal said:


> @MattMatt I don’t mean so rough I need a safe word. I mean, just some ocassional hair pulling or something. Show me you want me. Throw me against a wall, cover my mouth and **** me.


Actually - having a safe word may help. Will give him the comfort that you'll let him know if he crosses a line.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Jfgirlal said:


> @MattMatt I don’t mean so rough I need a safe word. I mean, just some ocassional hair pulling or something. Show me you want me. Throw me against a wall, cover my mouth and **** me.


Your H simply may not be capable of that. I am a guy, and I could never do that. If we were together, you would never be happy with our sex life.

I have never been a ladies man. Never a good pickup artist. Never had many girlfriends and not much sex. Once on vacation I met a woman at a casino. We hit it off. We went to her hotel room. We got undressed. She wanted me to spank her. I did so playfully. She kept telling me to hit her harder and harder. Eventually she got to the point where I was uncomfortable and left. The reason I gave you my background about not being a ladies man and not having much sex is to give you the idea - I was very lonely and horny. I picked up a girl while on vacation. And I left her room without having sex because I simply could not tolerate the kind of sex she was offering!

To get the sex you want, you may have to leave your current H and find another man.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@nice777guy You may be on to something. I’ve been thinking all night about my post on here and what keeps coming to mind is what someone said.... you can’t change him. He either wants what you want or he doesn’t.... or something like that. 
Lets say he agrees to what I want. Does that mean I’m MAKING him do it and he won’t really want to, therefore, he probably wouldnt enjoy it??


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jfgirlal said:


> @nice777guy You may be on to something. I’ve been thinking all night about my post on here and what keeps coming to mind is what someone said.... you can’t change him. He either wants what you want or he doesn’t.... or something like that.
> Lets say he agrees to what I want. Does that mean I’m MAKING him do it and he won’t really want to, therefore, he probably wouldnt enjoy it??


I tend to think a lot of men have pent up fantasies / desires / urges. And after years of society telling us that sex is "dirty" and women should be handled with care, we tend to suppress a lot of these feelings. I hope its just a matter of convincing him that you really want to see that side of him.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> @nice777guy You may be on to something. I’ve been thinking all night about my post on here and what keeps coming to mind is what someone said.... you can’t change him. He either wants what you want or he doesn’t.... or something like that.
> Lets say he agrees to what I want. Does that mean I’m MAKING him do it and he won’t really want to, therefore, he probably wouldnt enjoy it??


Let's say he did it but didn't enjoy it but you did. And he gets happiness from other parts of the family marriage. I would call that give and take, speaking to each other's love language. Right now don't worry about if he would enjoy it or not, worry about if he will actually do it. I was willing to do anything in bed if it was just between us for my STBXW. The sexiest thing in the world to me is seeing your partner have pleasure. I always waited until she had at least one before I would go. The absolute best is having one together.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Have you investigated his porn and masturbation habits? I feel like a man would only behave like this if:

1. Getting sex elsewhere (including porn)
2. Not attracted to you
3. Medications that kill libido

If porn user, he could get treatment. I think he's attracted to you or wouldn't have married you (unless you have gained a lot of weight or don't take care of yourself.. not the vibe I'm getting).

No one here will admit to the huge amount of marriages destroyed by porn use of the hubby, but true nonetheless.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

While I do encourage counseling as a step to take before detonating the bomb, I think coulseling only has two possible benefits - 

- one is if the counselor believes you are ready to walk, he/she can help the other spouse to understand the gravity of the situation and then either they will or either they won't take it seriously and take sincere action.

- the other potential benefit is if there is something that YOU can change that is turning him off and the counselor is able to get him to open up about it and tell you about it ( ie bad breath, bad odor "down there" brown,curly toenails etc etc) 

Other than that, counseling does not make people horny. It doesn't make then desire or yearn for their partner. It doesn't turn herbivores into tigers ( although if your H has faith in the counselor and he/she says it's ok to get a little wild, that may have a bit of an effect. - maybe)

Counseling does not change a person's character or persona. 

It can help open a channel of communication that may not have been there before. 

But if this isn't a communication issue, don't expect counseling to move mountains. 

It doesn't sound like this is a case of him not knowing or understanding your wants and desires.

It sounds more like he simply isn't the Stud Horse you wish him to be. 

If counseling turned men into porn star studs, every man on the planet would be lined up up outside the counselor's office every day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jfgirlal said:


> @MattMatt I don’t mean so rough I need a safe word. I mean, just some ocassional hair pulling or something. Show me you want me. Throw me against a wall, cover my mouth and **** me.


Throwing my wife against a wall and covering her mouth during sex?

As a man, that doesn't sound like something I'd be comfortable with either, to be honest.

I am siding with your husband on this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For something like that you need to make it clear to him that that is what you want. If you have, then many people would be very happy to do that. 

OTOH, no *all* people are. There are a lot of people who only want tender / romantic / loving sex, and are very turned-off by rough sex. 

I think rough sex is great fun with a willing partner, but my wife is completely against anything like that. 




Jfgirlal said:


> @MattMatt I don’t mean so rough I need a safe word. I mean, just some ocassional hair pulling or something. Show me you want me. Throw me against a wall, cover my mouth and **** me.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Throwing my wife against a wall and covering her mouth during sex?
> 
> As a man, that doesn't sound like something I'd be comfortable with either, to be honest.
> 
> I am siding with your husband on this.


Matt that may just be your wife. What she is describing is really standard stuff. 

And what is wrong with a safe word?????


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I once read a sex advice columnist who commented a large percentage of her mail amounted to "How do I get my partner to do what I want?" and she thought this was kind of a dumb question.

We all have things we'll do and things we won't, and none of us are more "right" than the rest of us. I doubt there are many couples where neither would enjoy something the other would rather skip.

I do think there is a discrepancy in that if a man complains his female partner thinks something is too weird, we agree w/ her and if she says the same thing about him we still agree w/ her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Matt that may just be your wife. What she is describing is really standard stuff.
> 
> And what is wrong with a safe word?????


Nope. It's not my wife, it is me. Even the idea of mild violence makes me feel uncomfortable.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is an issue called abuse of the Dominant, wherein the person who is asked to “be rough” feels guilty about doing so.

It is a known phenomenon, and can be worked on with a counselor if a person wants to find a way to satisfy another person who needs such treatment in order to feel loved.

At the same time it is possible to get therapy to reduce the need to be treated rough, as well. But as my wife’s psychiatrists told me there is only a little which could be done to reduce her need to be treated rough. And the reduced need for pain and humiliation on her part has taken years.

My wife spent 8 years in psychotherapy, and much of it was aimed at trying to discover why she is like she is, and help us find ways to cope with her issues.

One thing is certain. I had to step up and be her Dominant, and take over the role, including hurting her. For me it was an easy choice. She needs it, so I provide what she needs.

When we got married she had no idea what she needed. She was young and naive. I certainly wasn’t going to throw her away for her various sicknesses. So I give her what she needs.

I have been through therapy myself to deal with accepting that. One of her shrinks said to consider why I make love to her. How much is it for me? Or is it to please her? In whatever measure it is to please her I should act in a way which fulfills her needs.

Her needs are real. They are not something which can be just set aside. Just because her needs are kinky doesn’t mean they don’t drive her as much as anyone wanting whatever they want. The person wanting vanilla sex once a month seems crazy to someone asexual. It’s all relative.

So I hurt my wife regularly, as we worked to find ways to satisfy her with less pain involved. I learned to deal with it.

We spent years and a small fortune on shrinks, while we stumbled through life.

Because I love her.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am married 46 years and we kept sex fresh and exciting by dumping vanilla sex and trying all sorts of fetishes, even threesomes with my wife's friends. We ended up sharing her best friend because in our sexual exploration my wife found that she likes to have sex with girls. No interest in dating them, having a romance with them or marrying them, just sex and companionship, even then, only if I take part. Turns out that her religious upbringing made her suppress her sexual needs and I guided her to explore them and it has been great. I never asked for a threesome and ended up having with threesomes being our normal sex for 30 years. The sacrifices we make for our spouses. 

Usually it is guys who post about boring sex lives. There are millions of guys online who would love a girl like you. My wife and I had sex with a few married women. They all wanted more than they were getting at home. One of the main reasons married women cheat is unmet sexual needs at home or feeling like they are taken for granted. No more romance, nights out, reason to put on the little black dress and high heels anymore. Not hearing anyone tell her how sexy she is. Sex is our most powerful urge; the purpose of life is to reproduce. We can all save the world, cure cancer and attain world peace, but if we do not have intercourse our species dies out. All else that we do is related to making sure our species survives. To deny one's sexual needs usually does not end well. Witness all the spouse cheating websites online that are making tons of money on spouses who need more than they are getting at home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jfgirlal said:


> @stillfightingforus Great advice. I have, in the past, asked him to go to counseling and he refused. (Fyi, our 11 yr old is in counseling right now due to her daddys temper and yelling. But thats another story. He refuses to go to her sessions, too)
> I feel like I’m still begging him by giving him options AGAIN. But its worth a try. I just don’t get it.


How often do the two of you have sex?

So your husband has an anger issue. How often does he show his temper and yell? What does he do when he has an outburst? Does he only yell? Or does he throw things, bang on furniture, walls, etc? Does he hit, shove, and put his hands on you or the children in anger? 

Your husband's anger could have a lot to do with the issues in your sex life.

Most of the time (about 75%) when a spouse is withholding sex, or as in your case withholding what you want in sex, it's because they are harboring anger. It's a passive aggressive way to punish you for perceived wrong doing by you. It's a pretty effective way to hurt their spouse. after all, if you complain then he can take the stance that you are unreasonable, or just putting him down. It's a win/win for him... he's the victim of a demanding wench and he's accomplishing the punishment he wants to inflect on you.

Sure I could be wrong. But it's starting to sound like I might not be. Take a look at the link below. It's a long thread, but read at least the first few pages as there are some resources that might help you.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@WilliamM 😊


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@EleGirl It averages about 3 times a month. Maybe more depending on whether we’re mad at each other for something stupid. 
He yells and complains. Never puts his hands on any of us. After last night I’m beginning to conclude that I’m in an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship. I say this because after reading all these great responses I asked him I had a question I wanted him to think about and have an answer for me when I got home from work. He agreed. The question was: Is there an underlying issue on YOUR part that might be keeping you from at least trying to fufill my needs?
So, we had a cookout to go to but when we got home I asked him if he had thought about the question and he said ‘I don’t even remember what the question was’ Really??? Am I THAT unimportant? I just said ok, wow. So I said well, what are your issues with me. Without hesitation he says ‘you dont clean or cook and you spend too much money’. Now..in my defense, my husband is OCD and NOTHING I or even you do would be good enough. You could come to my house today, clean from top to bottom and have it looking the way YOU think it should look and he would come in and redo something. THIS is why I don’t cook... he complains about the food. I dont grocery shop...I dont get the right things or spend too much money there.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jfgirlal said:


> @EleGirl It averages about 3 times a month. Maybe more depending on whether we’re mad at each other for something stupid.
> He yells and complains. Never puts his hands on any of us. After last night I’m beginning to conclude that I’m in an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship. I say this because after reading all these great responses I asked him I had a question I wanted him to think about and have an answer for me when I got home from work. He agreed. The question was: Is there an underlying issue on YOUR part that might be keeping you from at least trying to fufill my needs?
> So, we had a cookout to go to but when we got home I asked him if he had thought about the question and he said ‘I don’t even remember what the question was’ Really??? Am I THAT unimportant? I just said ok, wow. So I said well, what are your issues with me. Without hesitation he says ‘you dont clean or cook and you spend too much money’. Now..in my defense, my husband is OCD and NOTHING I or even you do would be good enough. You could come to my house today, clean from top to bottom and have it looking the way YOU think it should look and he would come in and redo something. THIS is why I don’t cook... he complains about the food. I dont grocery shop...I dont get the right things or spend too much money there.


So - as is often the case - this is much deeper than just sex. Hard to have a good sex life if there is underlying hostility that's not being addressed.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

JF, one thing you have to be careful of now and it may not be able to be saved, it may be too much stuff that was always there but you have to be careful of being worked up into a frenzy. The advice here and the thoughts I'm sure are making you even more resentful and maddened and for good reason but until you guys get counseling, it's not going to get very far between the both of you BUT again, if he refuses counseling, then he is digging his own grave.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

sokillme said:


> You new guys should stop using your pictures as you avatars. They can be traced back using image lookup. Also @Jfgirlal if you want to quote people by name put an @ in front of the person's name and it will alert them to you answering them.


Why would any balanced person do that?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

stillfightingforus said:


> JF, one thing you have to be careful of now and it may not be able to be saved, it may be too much stuff that was always there but you have to be careful of being worked up into a frenzy. The advice here and the thoughts I'm sure are making you even more resentful and maddened and for good reason but until you guys get counseling, it's not going to get very far between the both of you BUT again, if he refuses counseling, then he is digging his own grave.


Really, counseling? Because husband isn't passionate and rough enough?

I'll ask OP again, are you passionate towards him?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Throwing my wife against a wall and covering her mouth during sex?
> 
> As a man, that doesn't sound like something I'd be comfortable with either, to be honest.
> 
> I am siding with your husband on this.


I think OP was using some symbolism here. As in different, unique for them, etc. but nothing towards trouble or unsafe....😊

Likely everyone has those times where an opportunity was taken that wasn't a long drawn out event....dictated by location and mutual moods.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Really, counseling? Because husband isn't passionate and rough enough?
> 
> I'll ask OP again, are you passionate towards him?


Counseling because she is saying he is abusive, dismissive and selfish.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

It looks like you're faced with a situation where you're either going to have to settle for a grossly unfulfilling sex life with your husband or find some alternative. (I know you said you wanted to sex only with him, but that may not be in the cards)
A possibility is to talk to him about having a surrogate where he can help pick and choose the surrogate or have one surreptitiously, which is not as risky as it seems if handled correctly. If you're interested in entertaining such an arrangement, I'd recommend a professional or a semi-professional. You would avoid the romantic interest that tends to develop in an "affair" situation and the sex would likely be more focused on pleasing you physically as well as being superior to what you now describe. There are a number of older pros (40+)that will be happy to accommodate you for little more than you hosting, dinner, drinks, and reimbursement of out of pocket cost, so its not a very expensive proposition.
The biggest danger in simply having "someone on the side" is these situation typically have with a romantic element leading to phone calls, text, transfer of love interest, all interfering with your marriage. Meeting someone on the side tends to make you "want forever". Dealing with a professional is more like a message therapist, pedicurist, et cetera. You garner the pleasure someone else can't or will not give while not taking anything away from you relationship. It is still there for your husband if he wants it.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@Livvie As much as he’ll allow me to be


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> @EleGirl . After last night I’m beginning to conclude that I’m in an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship. I say this because after reading all these great responses I asked him I had a question I wanted him to think about and have an answer for me when I got home from work. He agreed. The question was: Is there an underlying issue on YOUR part that might be keeping you from at least trying to fufill my needs?
> So, we had a cookout to go to but when we got home I asked him if he had thought about the question and he said ‘I don’t even remember what the question was’ Really??? Am I THAT unimportant? I just said ok, wow. So I said well, what are your issues with me. Without hesitation he says ‘you dont clean or cook and you spend too much money’. Now..in my defense, my husband is OCD and NOTHING I or even you do would be good enough. You could come to my house today, clean from top to bottom and have it looking the way YOU think it should look and he would come in and redo something. THIS is why I don’t cook... he complains about the food. I dont grocery shop...I dont get the right things or spend too much money there.


Abusive is doing or saying things to intentionally cause pain and distress. I'm not sure this is abusive or just poor compatibility and immature conduct. 

My wife is one of those OCD cleaning people who also could have an army of house keepers come in and scrub every square in with a toothbrush until the shine was blinding and she would still redo it all herself, so I do feel your pain on that one. 

That being said, that is not the reason he is not willing or able to meet your sexual needs and desires. 

There is not one living, breathing man on the face of the earth that would turn down sex because someone is not a good housekeeper or spends too much at the grocery store. 

If you are an actual slob and irresponsibly spend money leading to financial problems, that may cause a normal, average, decent guy to not want to be married to you and not want to live with you and not wish to have an exclusive, long term relationship with you - but it would not prevent a healthy, redblooded, American male to not want to have sex with you. 

There are only a few things that would interfere with a man's sexual response to a healthy, adult woman's sexual interest. Those are in no particular order -

- A physiological or psychological disorder within him such as a hormonal imbalance/endocrine disorder, severe psychological trauma, chronic alcoholism/drug addiction etc etc ....... and even if those things are present, most men would move mountains to try to correct them and please their mate. Only a man on his death bed gasping his last breaths with cancer or something would completely neglect his partner's sexual needs. I may not try to please my wife on the very day I die, but I would do my best the night before. 

- being basically 100% homosexual. 

While a truly gay man may not be as motivated towards sex with a woman as a heterosexual man, even most gay guys are not 100% gay and will still respond to a woman to one degree or another. 

- They find the woman physically repulsive. Now by repulsive I do not mean 10lbs overweight or do not quite look like Heidi Klume or Jenifer Aniston. I mean 100+ lbs overweight with open sores and rotting teeth, foul smelling brown stuff dripping out their hoo-hahs and hasn't changed their underwear or socks for 3 weeks straight. 

- The relationship has deteriorated to the point they really do not even want to be in the same room with their partner. 

And this also pretty much has to be in the extreme. For a man to not want to have sex, there has to be so much resentment and bitterness and contempt, that the very thought of her makes his anxiety level go through the roof. 

If this is the case, you are already at Def Con 3 and someone is reaching their finger towards the button. 

- and the final reason is they are completely in love with someone else and that other person is meeting all their sexual needs and they see their BS as simply an impediment and obstacle to being with their true love. 


Those are really the only things that will cause a man to outright sexually reject his partner and deny her sexual wants and desires. 

A man is not going to be effected by dirty dishes in the sink or a petty insult or an argument over who picked up the toilet paper the last time. 

Only a threat to life and limb will override a man's sexual response. If the house is on fire and the flames are lapping up against the kid's rooms, a normal, healthy man may defer a sexual offer until everyone is safely out of the house and accounted for. Then once everyone is safe and the firefighting efforts are underway, he may try for a hummer in the fire truck while waiting outside. 

Assuming you aren't 350lbs and only shower once a month, and assuming he isn't completely gay and doesn't have some kind of severe endocrine disorder and assuming he isn't completely getting his sexual needs met elsewhere (porn/masturbation, hookers, affair) Then this is a very serious relationship issue. 

And by serious, I mean getting ready to start packing bags and looking up divorce laws serious.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Has he been yelling verbal abusive, and any actual physical abuse?
Sorry for asking bluntly. These actions would dictate their own course of action.

Or are hurt feelings making things seem worse? That happens frequently. 

If after he comes home and has a few minutes to relax, and if you come into the room in a slip or lingerie to peak his interest and do with all sweetness......and he reallly says no...that may be a litmus test to help guide you.

Hang in there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> - and the final reason is they are completely in love with someone else and that other person is meeting all their sexual needs and they see their BS as simply an impediment and obstacle to being with their true love.


Other people have asked you if you suspect he may be cheating to which you have stated no. 

My Spidey Senses have picked some things that make me wonder if perhaps there may be some outside interests on YOUR end, so I have to ask - Have YOU had any kind of attractions or person of interest or some kind of contact outside your marriage??

Even if there has not been an actual affair, sometimes if someone's attraction and desire switches get flipped on by someone else, one can become frustrated and hypercritical and resentful of their spouse if their spouse is not providing high-enough octane stimulation to overcome the attraction and desire for the other person. 

Be honest - is there someone else that is making your heart go pitter-pat and giving you some hormone rushes currently or in the fairly recent past???


I want to make clear, I am not accusing you of cheating. I am asking if there is someone else that is making your Jay-Jay tingle and giving you a rush of hormones that is making your H's lack of initiative and lack of passion more acute? 

Some times we don't think our partner is all that bad until someone else comes along that gives a rush of excitement and euphoria and then we think that are own partner pales by comparison and that they are doing enough to step up to the plate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uhtred said:


> For something like that you need to make it clear to him that that is what you want. If you have, then many people would be very happy to do that.
> 
> OTOH, no *all* people are. There are a lot of people who only want tender / romantic / loving sex, and are very turned-off by rough sex.
> 
> I think rough sex is great fun with a willing partner, but my wife is completely against anything like that.


Maybe useless info but to add to the statistics.....
For W and I probably 30% might be considered rough sex if we're stealing some time and life's activities have recently interrupted our normal flow. 

Womens derrieres are my weakness and W is always ready should we desire some quick private time. Again, sorry, probably more not helpful info.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I wouldn't blame you and would understand if someone is getting your feathers ruffled, because people do take notice of other opportunities around them when they are chronically dissatisfied at home. 

But sometimes it's a chicken vs the egg type thing in regards to what came first. 

Does the lack of satisfaction at home lead to taking an interest in others??

Or does an interest in another start making life at home look flat and dead by comparison?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> Now..in my defense, my husband is OCD and NOTHING I or even you do would be good enough.


I don't know a ton about OCD, BUT could there be something about the actual ACT of sex that bothers/irritates him?I don't mean sex with YOU, I mean sex itself. Let's face it, it can be, ummmm, messy (especially if done right!:grin2 -- maybe that has something to do with triggering his OCD and makes him uncomfortable?

However, his reaction to your question ("i don't even remember the question") is really I think a way of deflecting the conversation -- NOT that he doesn't remember the question. He's just trying to sideline the conversation (and it seems like it worked -- you went from what YOU wanted to talk about to HIM venting about you being messy -- NOTHING at all to do with your topic).

Don't let him do that -- just pull him back in to focus on what YOU need to talk with him about.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> I don't know a ton about OCD, BUT could there be something about the actual ACT of sex that bothers/irritates him?I don't mean sex with YOU, I mean sex itself. Let's face it, it can be, ummmm, messy (especially if done right!:grin2 -- maybe that has something to do with triggering his OCD and makes him uncomfortable?
> 
> However, his reaction to your question ("i don't even remember the question") is really I think a way of deflecting the conversation -- NOT that he doesn't remember the question. He's just trying to sideline the conversation (and it seems like it worked -- you went from what YOU wanted to talk about to HIM venting about you being messy -- NOTHING at all to do with your topic).
> 
> Don't let him do that -- just pull him back in to focus on what YOU need to talk with him about.


I agree that him saying he didn't remember the question was simply bovine excrement and a lame attempt to blow her off. No question of that whatsoever. 

However, this is likely not about sex being messy. 

If he were that disordered and that OCD, there would be other things going along with it like not leaving the house or able to hold down gainful employment because he'd be scrubbing the house 16 hours a day and begging his doctor to put him on continuous antibiotics and sealing up all the doors and windows with plastic sheeting etc etc. 

If he is basically a normal person that goes to work and has Christmas dinner with family and keeps the oil in the car changed and licks envelopes has a beer with his buddies after work Friday evening, then a little mess with sex is not enough to upset his snowflake sensibilities. 

No, I believe it is some kind of issue within their relationship and nothing with sexuality in general at all other than he is not tripping her trigger. 

Sex is a primary motivator for men. If he had some kind of OCD disorder that was making sex repugnant for him - that would manifest itself in many other ways that would be much more alarming than not pulling her hair and slamming her against the wall. 

She would have had him committed to a looney bin long before complaining about the lack of rough sex. 

This is a relationship issue and sexual compatibility issue and not a mental health issue.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me rephrase -

If his OCD was so bad that he couldn't/wouldn't have sex with her on the basis of sex being messy - he would be doing a whole host of other wackadoodle things that would alarm her and freak her out a lot more than not engaging in rough, passionate sex. 

She wouldn't be writing here trying to figure out how to get him to pull her hair and throw her up against the wall. 

She would be writing about how to get him to come out of the room he has sealed up with plastic and to get him out of his Tyvek suit and respirator long enough to get him to the hospital.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Livvie said:


> If the sexes were reversed....
> 
> The advice given would most likely be to work hard to try to inspire passion and the sex your want in your partner.
> 
> You say you want more passion. Do you show HIM passion???


Actually If the sexes were reversed.... He would be advised that he doesn't do enough of the housework and she is too tired from cleaning up aftr him . . . . .. I've been contemplating this since the thread started, but I thought it was just to flippant to say, Then this was posted:



Jfgirlal said:


> @EleGirl It averages about 3 times a month. Maybe more depending on whether we’re mad at each other for something stupid.
> He yells and complains. Never puts his hands on any of us. After last night I’m beginning to conclude that I’m in an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship. I say this because after reading all these great responses I asked him I had a question I wanted him to think about and have an answer for me when I got home from work. He agreed. The question was: Is there an underlying issue on YOUR part that might be keeping you from at least trying to fufill my needs?
> So, we had a cookout to go to but when we got home I asked him if he had thought about the question and he said ‘I don’t even remember what the question was’ Really??? Am I THAT unimportant? I just said ok, wow. So I said well, what are your issues with me. Without hesitation* he says ‘you dont clean or cook and you spend too much money’.* Now..in my defense, my husband is OCD and NOTHING I or even you do would be good enough. You could come to my house today, clean from top to bottom and have it looking the way YOU think it should look and he would come in and redo something. THIS is why I don’t cook... he complains about the food. I dont grocery shop...I dont get the right things or spend too much money there.


So . . . . . I don't actually think you should worry about doing more housework. But it is a seat of resentment in him. I'm a scouter (scouts leader) over the years I've had the "experience" of camping with OCD kids for a week. The frustration, the anger, The yelling, All of this won't go away without consistent therapy. All of this is his Natural (untreated) state. His resistance to counseling is very troubling. The boys I've worked with didn't resist this and were much easier to work with when in counseling. 

As for the rough stuff, I don't think you are going to get it. The Compulsive in OCD is very hard to get past. It is possible to get a vanilla to play rough. The results are often a bit less than you wanted. Safe words help. Encouragement and clearly and vocally enjoying it helps. Careful with that covering the mouth thing, make sure he knows how to do it without covering the nose.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@oldshirt There isn’t anyone recently that I’ve been interested in. In 2009 I kissed another man. We both felt guilty and I told my H about it. The reason thar happened is because even back then he didn’t give me the attention/affection he knew I needed. I’m not excusing it though. I shouldn’tve done it. But there has been nobody since.
A few yrs later he said he forgave me. But brings it up every time we argue. I mentioned counseling back then to help us and he refused then too.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@Mr. Nail Thank you!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> @oldshirt There isn’t anyone recently that I’ve been interested in. In 2009 I kissed another man. We both felt guilty and I told my H about it. The reason thar happened is because even back then he didn’t give me the attention/affection he knew I needed. I’m not excusing it though. I shouldn’tve done it. But there has been nobody since.
> A few yrs later he said he forgave me. But brings it up every time we argue. I mentioned counseling back then to help us and he refused then too.


Thank you for being honest. I hope there isn't a backlash from all the BS's here that may be getting triggered for your honesty. 

I'm not judging or finger-pointing. I simply got the feeling that the way you were talking about your H, sounded much like how the BH's say their WW's respond to them in the days leading up to D-Day. 

The point I wanted to make is it is often times a chicken vs the egg type thing when it comes to the resentments and hypercriticalness that often comes with infidelity. 

This is likely a deeper issue than either of you may realize. If he is throwing it in your face regularly over other issues, then it is obviously still an issue for him. 

And if you are remaining critical and resentful towards his lack of passion, there may still be some feelings and yearnings for being with someone else on your end as well. 

I'm not blaming or judging, just stating what may be a degree of fact. 

This is probably a deeper issue than unprofessional strangers on the internet can fix. I would have to recommend professional marriage counseling and therapy. 

As I stated earlier in the thread, MC does not change people's character, nor does it make people horny or more passionate or desire you more. 

But it can help address lingering resentments and issues that have not been fully resolved, provided both partys are willing to work on it. 

If he refuses to address it and work on it - you kind of have your answer. 

If he refuses to work with you, your options are -

- suck it up and live with it. 

- throw in the towel and move on and find someone else. 

- pursue some form of consensual open marriage and get your sexual needs met elsewhere with his knowledge and consent. 

- cheat and live with those consequences.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And my own personal bias is that this whole OCD talk is just a big red herring. 

Unless he is scrubbing the back corners of the pantry with a wire brush and a bleach solution until his fingers bleed every day, then he does not have OCD to the degree that keeps him from having an active and loving sex life with his wife. 

Until she comes back with some examples of extreme behaviors and activities on his part, let's go with a working assumption that he is bitter and resentful towards her and is just using cooking and housekeeping as an excuse. 

People with actual OCD still want to make love to their partners and still want to please them in bed. 

- they either lay down plastic sheeting before sex, tear off the sheets and through them in the laundry after sex, or designate a separate location that they can have sex. 

They don't deny their partners love and affection and them blame them for not cooking and cleaning enough. People with resentments and bitterness do that.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@oldshirt I definitely want to find the root of the problem and not just put a bandaid on it. You all are taking so much time replying and trying to help. I so appreciate each of you.


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## Clockwork (May 2, 2018)

Jfgirlal said:


> Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
> For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right?
> I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?


Do something kinky. I don't care what it is. Take the garbage to the curb in your nightgown. Do something that will get his attention. He will have a memory burn forever. That'll help get what you need. Women have all the tools on them to do this. Unless your husband has found a new found interest in men, he'll get aroused.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> @oldshirt I definitely want to find the root of the problem and not just put a bandaid on it.


Sometimes the root of the problem is that the big oak tree you want in the back yard is actually an elm tree. 

This is a chronic issue that has been going on forever. The root of the problem may be that he simply isn't the stud horse that you desire. You may have thought that if you were hot enough and sexy enough and nice enough and blond enough etc etc etc that he would change into this passionate, dominate alpha male in due time. 

But he is what he is and he is not what he is not. It's not really a reflection of you either way. 

There are obviously some unresolved issues and resentments with both of you. 

IMHO those can be addressed and possibly reduced if both of you are will to put in the time, energy and effort. 

But even if the underlying resentments and issues are addressed, that doesn't mean that he will become a Brazilian porn star and ravage you in bed. It might only mean that both of your quills won't flare out like a pair of pi$$ed off porcupines when you walk into the room. 

This is a very serious situation with many layers and many years of resentment and baggage. 

He has to be miserable and frustrated and unsatisfied too. Perhaps that can be the common ground that you can employ to get him to come to the negotiating table and perhaps into couple's therapy. 

And if his misery and discontent can't be used to get him into therapy, then perhaps it can be used to get him to agree to bring it to a compassionate and amicable and cooperative end to release you both.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Clockwork said:


> Do something kinky. I don't care what it is. Take the garbage to the curb in your nightgown. Do something that will get his attention. He will have a memory burn forever. That'll help get what you need. Women have all the tools on them to do this. Unless your husband has found a new found interest in men, he'll get aroused.


Read the thread. 

This is an actual relationship issue and is not a case of some dude that's been distracted at work the last few weeks and just needs a beer to chill at the end of the work week and her to come out of the bedroom in a French Maid costume.


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## Clockwork (May 2, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Read the thread.
> 
> This is an actual relationship issue and is not a case of some dude that's been distracted at work the last few weeks and just needs a beer to chill at the end of the work week and her to come out of the bedroom in a French Maid costume.


I read it. They obviously need to do something to spice things up. 18 years of marriage is a long time. You have to keep finding new things. I am not just talking about doing it once, I mean do it REGULARLY. If it doesn't work, well, there was a movie and it was called "He's Just Not That Into You". You'll know pretty quickly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Clockwork said:


> I read it. They obviously need to do something to spice things up. 18 years of marriage is a long time. You have to keep finding new things. I am not just talking about doing it once, I mean do it REGULARLY. If it doesn't work, well, there was a movie and it was called "He's Just Not That Into You". You'll know pretty quickly.


I wish it was that easy and I bet jfgirlal wishes it was that simple. Those things work in fundamentally healthy and loving relationships with people who do desire each other. 

I am all about kink and pervertedness and doing new things to keep things fresh and exciting. 

But when you are dealing with chronic dissatisfaction and frustration, resentment and bitterness, infidelity and years of unresolved issues; nightgowns and garter belts aren't going to fix it. 

The more likely scenario here is she would get dressed up in her porn star outfit and feeling awkward and uncomfortable to begin with, and then he'd make some blow off comment about her toenail polish not matching the color of her negligee and then she'd feel like a real arse and blow up at him and it would all spiral into the ground a WWII bomber with it's wings shot off. 

I know I spent the first half of this thread talking about how sexually oriented and sexually resilient men are - but that is assuming a fundamentally sound and healthy relationship to begin with. this one isn't. 

High heels and lots of cleavage will overcome a man's irritations and dissatisfaction at work. But it won't overcome a deep-seated, chronic relationship issue.


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@oldshirt I can’t help but laugh at some of your responses. Lol Complain that my toenail polish doesn’t match 😂😂


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## Clockwork (May 2, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I wish it was that easy and I bet jfgirlal wishes it was that simple. Those things work in fundamentally healthy and loving relationships with people who do desire each other.
> 
> I am all about kink and pervertedness and doing new things to keep things fresh and exciting.
> 
> ...


Fair enough, there is likely a lot more to it than this. Depression on his part perhaps? Stress? Maybe even erectile dysfunction that he doesn't want to admit?


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## Jfgirlal (May 14, 2018)

@Clockwork Definitely not ED. Stress and depression? I would bet money om.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jfgirlal said:


> @oldshirt I can’t help but laugh at some of your responses. Lol Complain that my toenail polish doesn’t match 😂😂


Yeah but once you've experienced that, then you know where things stand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jfgirlal said:


> @EleGirl It averages about 3 times a month. Maybe more depending on whether we’re mad at each other for something stupid.
> He yells and complains. Never puts his hands on any of us. After last night I’m beginning to conclude that I’m in an emotionally and verbal abusive relationship. I say this because after reading all these great responses I asked him I had a question I wanted him to think about and have an answer for me when I got home from work. He agreed. The question was: Is there an underlying issue on YOUR part that might be keeping you from at least trying to fufill my needs?
> So, we had a cookout to go to but when we got home I asked him if he had thought about the question and he said ‘I don’t even remember what the question was’ Really??? Am I THAT unimportant? I just said ok, wow. So I said well, what are your issues with me. Without hesitation he says ‘you dont clean or cook and you spend too much money’. Now..in my defense, my husband is OCD and NOTHING I or even you do would be good enough. You could come to my house today, clean from top to bottom and have it looking the way YOU think it should look and he would come in and redo something. THIS is why I don’t cook... he complains about the food. I dont grocery shop...I dont get the right things or spend too much money there.


Well there you go. It's not the sex, it's his way to express his anger at you.

I was married to a guy who was very much like that. And like in your marriage it showed up in the bedroom... to the point that he ended all sex with me.

Do you have a job? If so what % of your joint income do you earn? How many hours a week do each of you work at your jobs?


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I don't think I'd take my wife parking either. I would do anything in the bedroom or house that she wanted but having sex in public with the thrill of you might get caught is not really something you can ask a husband to do if he doesn't think it is right. Some things we just have to deal with. I am by far the kinkier one in our marriage but I would never do that. I think it could corrupt youngsters and others suddenly coming on that.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Jfgirlal said:


> Hi! New here. A little about me: married 18 yrs, 2 kids (17 and 11).
> For years, literally years, I have asked, talked to, and eventually begged my husband for more ‘exciting’ sex. My definition of exciting is passion, maybe a little roughness.... anything except ‘vanilla sex’. I’m 39 and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve come to realize what I want/need sexually. My husband knows all of this because you have to communicate your needs, right?
> I love him but how long am I supposed to keep putting my happiness on the back burner?


He should be trying to add as many 'kinks' as your into as long as no one is being hurt and no one's health is being put at risk.


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