# Im devastated - PLEASE help me.



## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi everyone.
My first post here...in fact I just signed up less then 5 mins ago. 

I will get straight to my point if possible and Im sorry if this post is too long. 

I am 41 yrs and my husband is 54. We met 9 yrs ago on the internet and dated for a few months before we started living together. We just got married in March. 
He was retired when we first met but started working again after we starting getting serious. 
He used to call me "baby"......"I love you baby", things like that and I knew he loved me alot. He gave me a ring after a few months..I still wear it. 
He is still at the same job and over the yrs he has grown to absolutley DEPISE the place. He is a supervisor at a big plant and most of the management is completely backwards. They fire people who complain about other employees, they backstab all the time. They blame things on him. He is the ONLY person in that plant that really knows what he is doing trust me. He has worked there long enough for me to know this. He busts his ass on a daily basis and at this point is trying to hold everything together there so they dont close the place down. There is alot more to what goes on there but I dont have time to write a book. LOL! Im guessing he feels unappreciated cus everyone knows how hard he works. 
He gets crapped on all the time and has to try and defend himself whenevr he gets to work...which is 2nd shift, when all the management is there. They have meetings during the first shift and dont involve him so he isnt there to defend himslef when something IS said. His shift gets most of the work done and he is tired of it. He works 6 days a week, about 10-12 hours a day. Its starting to show in his personality and in his looks. He never feels good and is always tired and his hair has greyed alot in the last few yrs. He has talked about retiring again and moving to the country and just being away from people. Live on 20 or 30 acres somewhere and just hole up. Id LOVE to do that but we have to try and sell at least one home first...preferrably the newer one. 
Anyways....we own 2 homes. Both are in the same city. We lived in the one for 4 yrs but he saw another house for sale in an area where he thinks he can make a profit off it when we sell. We moved into the new home a few months ago and rent our other one. So right now we are in the process of fixing up a few things so we CAN move away. He really hates it where we live and has slowly become so bitter. He never has anything nice to say at all. 
On a rare occasion I see the man I fell in love with, but lately its gotten worse. He doesnt hit me or anything but he has started to call me names. 
I was taking care of my sick parents for a few yrs and this past yr my mother was diagnosed with Dementia so its taken a huge toll on me...plus having to worry about my husband and his mental health. Ive lost about 25 lbs and he one called me "Ethiopian Girl". Not even a care about how MY health was. "Oh honey, you look thin, I think all this is too much for you...do you want to talk about it?" Nope. Nothing like that at all. He has never been one to voice his feelings EVER so Im not shocked by this. The little comment though DID hurt my feelings. 
He never says I love you unless I say it first. The only time he even shows a smidge of affection is when we're in public and he MIGHT put his arm around me. 
I have to ask him if still loves me and he said once "Of course I do, youre still here aint ya?" WTF is that? He STILL didnt say I love you. 
Another time I asked him again and he told me to stop being so needy. 
Mind you, he NEVER did any of this before...it just started recently the more angry he gets with his job. I know...thats no excuse but Im hoping its actully his job that creating all this anger. 
Sometimes when he is explaining something to me that I dont understand, I ask him to explain again and he says "Are you retarded?" 
Just yesterday he saw that I put on a little makeup for work and he asked me why I wanted to go into work looking like a hooker. 
Last week he started a new shift to try and help out with making more parts so they are doing this expirimental shift where he works F-Sat and Sun for 12 hour shifts and has the rest of the week off...so Im hoping this will give him an opportunity to calm down and get some rest. Maybe he will come to his senses. I wonder if he is just angry and frustrated that we're stuck living in the house and the stress of selling both and his job etc. or if its me he is sick of. 
I cant undestand why he is calling me names and saying these things. I bend over backwards to try and please him and 50% of the time he is fine, but the other 50 is when he gets nasty. 
He doesnt drink or do drugs and I know he isnt cheating on me. I am positive of this. So it isnt another woman. 
I try and ignore what he says to me and brush it off to his anger at not being able to move away right away but these comments are really devastating to me. 

Our sex life is so-so. By that I mean when he worked all the time he was off on Sundays and that was our "time"..so once a week...and it was good! By now that he is home 4 days a wk, weve had more time to be intimate and he voiced his opinion on that subk=ject the other night as well...but it was a compliment rather then a complaint so thats good for me! 

So what do you guys think? Do you think he maybe is resenting me a little bit because in his mind I think he thinks Im holding him back from getting out of dodge but in reality its not possible right now until we sell either one of both homes. He never likes to take blame for anything. 


PLEASE HELP! If you need more insight as to what is going on, plewase ask me any questions you want if it will help you help me....I just gave a short run down of the situation.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Sometimes people are so wrapped up in their own pain and self pity that they can't see that there might be someone else who is hurting. Sounds like it might be the case with your husband. 

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes something drastic to happen for that person to wake up, and even that is no guarantee. If he isn't getting the hint by you talking to him with how he is acting and how his words are effecting you, then YOU need to think of the next step to see if it can wake him up. It may have to come down to you doing something you don't want to, but if its worth trying to save your marriage you might want to see.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

He's not physically beating you... he's emotionally and mentally beating you, which is sometimes worst. He's not venting at his job, so instead, he's taking the bully role, and venting against the person he thinks he can get away with ... you. He seems to be uncaring, insensitive, and at his age, may be unwilling to change. Lay down an ultimatum, tell him to cease this type of behavior towards you or else you will back a bag. He will attempt to make it seem like you are nuts or something, but remains stong and vigalant. He has become dependent on you, so if the mere thought of losing u isn't enough, you may indeed have to consider walking. Walk away before it gets worse, as his health get's worst. Your age difference is going to make him more dependent on you than the other way around. Why have to deal with this and his mistreating you as well...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RainbowLily said:


> Our sex life is so-so.


Work on this until you can describe it in superlative terms and the rest of your problems will take care of themselves


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> He's not physically beating you... he's emotionally and mentally beating you, which is sometimes worst. He's not venting at his job, so instead, he's taking the bully role, and venting against the person he thinks he can get away with ... you. He seems to be uncaring, insensitive, and at his age, may be unwilling to change. Lay down an ultimatum, tell him to cease this type of behavior towards you or else you will back a bag. He will attempt to make it seem like you are nuts or something, but remains stong and vigalant. He has become dependent on you, so if the mere thought of losing u isn't enough, you may indeed have to consider walking. Walk away before it gets worse, as his health get's worst. Your age difference is going to make him more dependent on you than the other way around. Why have to deal with this and his mistreating you as well...


*sigh*
I know he has become emotionally abusive. I try and think of good reasons why he has become this way. He is NOT this type of person at all. I know him better then he thinks. 
Im hoping this new shift at work will ease his stress and make him more relaxed. I did notice last week, the first week of the new shift, he was more at ease at home. We laughed and watched a few movies when I got home from work. He has dinner ready too, which is nice. He has had a chance to do some fixing of the house to move along our plans, but once it comes down to the day before he has to work..his attitude changes. 
He also dwells on stuff. He cant let things go...I think he is happy being miserable sometimes. I try to tell him not to think about work until he is in the parking lot and I know he's tried. 

Maybe he is going thru a mid life crisis?

Also, I cant leave...I have no where to go and no way of supporting myself financially by my income alone.


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Work on this until you can describe it in superlative terms and the rest of your problems will take care of themselves


by 'so-so" I meant it was once a week. Now that he is home more, its more often. But Im working on it!!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

RainbowLily said:


> *sigh*
> I know he has become emotionally abusive. I try and think of good reasons why he has become this way. He is NOT this type of person at all. I know him better then he thinks.
> Im hoping this new shift at work will ease his stress and make him more relaxed. I did notice last week, the first week of the new shift, he was more at ease at home. We laughed and watched a few movies when I got home from work. He has dinner ready too, which is nice. He has had a chance to do some fixing of the house to move along our plans, but once it comes down to the day before he has to work..his attitude changes.
> He also dwells on stuff. He cant let things go...I think he is happy being miserable sometimes. I try to tell him not to think about work until he is in the parking lot and I know he's tried.
> ...


U sound like my mom, who tried to hold onto the good sides of my father, despite all the negative. Let me point it to you like this, regardless of how well you know a person... when they berate with name calling and put you down... that's a major character flaw and a blatant sign of disrespect. I've never, ever come close to saying such things to my wife. Mid life crises... not at 54. If he was 24, i'd say he has room to mature, and you can mold him. At 54... he's showing you what he is. He's showing you that, "If i get PO'd enough... i will take mean, hurtful shots at you, regardless of what you may be currently going through."

So ask yourself... because 41 is far from old, you are just a few years older than me... do you want this type of lifestyle for the remainder of your life? Because my dear... it will only get worst.. not better.


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> U sound like my mom, who tried to hold onto the good sides of my father, despite all the negative. Let me point it to you like this, regardless of how well you know a person... when they berate with name calling and put you down... that's a major character flaw and a blatant sign of disrespect. I've never, ever come close to saying such things to my wife. Mid life crises... not at 54. If he was 24, i'd say he has room to mature, and you can mold him. At 54... he's showing you what he is. He's showing you that, "If i get PO'd enough... i will take mean, hurtful shots at you, regardless of what you may be currently going through."
> 
> So ask yourself... because 41 is far from old, you are just a few years older than me... do you want this type of lifestyle for the remainder of your life? Because my dear... *it will only get worst.. not better*.


But he was back to his old self on the days he was off...you really think, even if he retires, he will get worse? He DREAMS of the days when we can just get up and do whatever we want. Go hiking or sit around the house...he has never been one to like working for someone else....he'd rather work for himslef or not at all....
I think he has some issues too with marriage as a whole. His ex wife did a real number on him...but if thats true then why did he marry ME?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RainbowLily said:


> *sigh*
> I know he has become emotionally abusive. I try and think of good reasons why he has become this way. He is NOT this type of person at all. I know him better then he thinks.
> 
> Maybe he is going thru a mid life crisis?


This is usually a dysfunctional way of communicating a need for help or attention, or feelings of frustration.

Step 1 to healthy communication is have some sort of correction technique available when he says something that hurts your feelings. Myself, I say "My feelings are hurt when you say this" or "I really don't like being spoken to like that".

Step 2 is to help your h develop healthy ways to communicate. Examples again of what I use here are "I'm feeling frustrated because ..." or "I think I need for you to try to ..."

Midlife crisis for men are usually extramarital or automotive


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

RainbowLily said:


> *But he was back to his old self on the days he was off.*..you really think, even if he retires, he will get worse? He DREAMS of the days when we can just get up and do whatever we want. Go hiking or sit around the house...he has never been one to like working for someone else....he'd rather work for himslef or not at all....
> I think he has some issues too with marriage as a whole. His ex wife did a real number on him...*but if thats true then why did he marry ME*?


And my father was back to his kind self once the stress settled down. And guess what heppened when the stress came back???

Because he loves you silly! I'm not denying that for a second. My whole "caution to the win" thing is, just becareful of a person who can bend to this level of insensitivity. I mean, you wanted us to get the full picture by telling us the things he's said to you. Well this is what alot of people are going to think when they read this. The things he said to you... you didnt' even do anything to warrant them, so that makes it even worst. There wasn't a clear "A" the prempted "B." So if you want to move on... that's fine, just establish a boundary, a firm boundary that he can not cross, and that he understand the penalty for crossing. If you don't ... what stopping him from "going there" again?


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is usually a dysfunctional way of communicating a need for help or attention, or feelings of frustration.
> 
> Step 1 to healthy communication is have some sort of correction technique available when he says something that hurts your feelings. Myself, I say "My feelings are hurt when you say this" or "I really don't like being spoken to like that".
> 
> ...


Automotive? thats too funny!! 
Well, I know for a fact he isnt cheating. 
when he says stuff like that to me, and I feel Im a good wife, yes it hurts of course and I tell him "Why would you call me retarded?" Or why would you call me needy when I need to hear you tell me you care?"
...he never really answers me. I ask him how it would feel if I called him those things...and I have, just to show him what its like and he looks at me like Im from outer space. I say "see? It hurts doesnt it? Dont say that sh*t to me, Im your wife, not a doormat"


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RainbowLily said:


> Automotive? thats too funny!!
> Well, I know for a fact he isnt cheating.
> when he says stuff like that to me, and I feel Im a good wife, yes it hurts of course and I tell him "Why would you call me retarded?" Or why would you call me needy when I need to hear you tell me you care?"
> ...he never really answers me. I ask him how it would feel if I called him those things...and I have, just to show him what its like and he looks at me like Im from outer space. I say "see? It hurts doesnt it? Dont say that sh*t to me, Im your wife, not a doormat"


Please don't ask why he says things, I promise you he can't answer. Just let him know directly that you are hurt by what he says. Don't look for anything from him (although an apology would be nice). The first step is to make sure he hears. Starting your sentence with "why" can create a defensive reaction that prevents him from hearing anything that follows. Always start your statements (no questions) with "I".

And please don't hurt him back if you don't have to. It only makes things worse. This can all be turned around a lot easier than most people think but it is important not to add more damage.


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Please don't ask why he says things, I promise you he can't answer. Just let him know directly that you are hurt by what he says. Don't look for anything from him (although an apology would be nice). The first step is to make sure he hears. Starting your sentence with "why" can create a defensive reaction that prevents him from hearing anything that follows. Always start your statements (no questions) with "I".
> 
> And please don't hurt him back if you don't have to. It only makes things worse. This can all be turned around a lot easier than most people think but it is important not to add more damage.


hmmm....didnt think about it that way. That makes sense. :smthumbup:

do you think there will come a time when he can "see" what he is saying to me and maybe realise it hurts my feelings? Im shocked that these things even enter his mind at all....I would never in a million yrs say ANYTHING like these things to him. 
He has a punching bag in the basement..I may suggest he use it again...maybe that will vent some of his anger.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RainbowLily said:


> I think he has some issues too with marriage as a whole. *His ex wife did a real number on him..*.but if thats true then why did he marry ME?


Please expand on this. Tell us more. 
What did she do to him? have you ever spoken to her? Does he ever say anything niec about her? Does he blame her for the divorce? Does he admit to any wrongdoing in that marriage?Elaborate.

Also, when did his behavior start to shift? 

Have you told him how this behavior is hurting your feelings?


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Please expand on this. Tell us more.
> What did she do to him? have you ever spoken to her? Does he ever say anything niec about her? Does he blame her for the divorce? Does he admit to any wrongdoing in that marriage?Elaborate.
> 
> Also, when did his behavior start to shift?
> ...


He got married just before he went into the Marines back in 75 or 76. So he was around 17 or 18 and she was 16. He met her in high school. He told me that after he enlisted she just assumed they would get married. He went to her house one day and found out from her dad that her and her sisters and mom went to go try on wedding dresses. He was perplexed since he hadnt asked her to marry him. He says he isnt sure if he even would have asked her now that he thinks about it. 
He said they were young and he was going to be shipped out to Japan and wanted someone there with him...so he married her. 

On his wedding day, he told me his dad asked why he was marrying her...and his response? "I dont know dad"
His dad then said, Well, if you dont love her then you need to walk away NOW!"
He didnt and their marriage lasted 26 yrs and one daughter later. 

Thats where I came in the picture. I know he was seperated from her but they lived in the same home. I kept my distance and wasnt even sure if he was my type. Not to mention he was married. He chased me like no tomorrow and I told him, I will NOT date a guy who is still married. We were mostly talking online the whole time and never had any type of physical contact at all. 
I felt horrible. 

One day, I was living with my parents at the time, he showed up on their front door with 2 garbage bags full of his clothes. He said she kicked him out after she saw an instant message from him to me telling me he was going to leave her. I still had that IM at the time..
During their divorce he stayed with my parents and I and we _really_discovered we were soul mates. We fell in love.
She was a vicious *****, and rightfully so. She turned his only daughter against him, they both urinated on some of his belongings and used his toothbrush to clean the toilet. They called me all sorts of names and one Christmas showed up at my parents house and walked right in and started a HUGE arguement. Mind you, my parents lived in a gated community so I have no clue how they even got in. They posted my parents phone number on an adult website so as a result they got some pretty disgusting phone calls. This is to just nae a few things she did.
she was never around while their daugghter was growing up and my hub raised her most of the time while she was out working..which was fine by him cus he hates to work. 
She had a bad spending habit most of their marriage and racked up thousnads of dollars of CC bills that were left for him to pay for during/after their divorce. He found out quickly that he couldnt pay them all because he didnt know about 85% of them. 
SHE filed for divorce before he could. We were at the point of looking for lawyers when he got papers in the mail from her. 
He didnt contest anything and never even bothered to go get his personal stuff, childhood memories or anything he would cherish. All he had was the 2 bags of clothes he showed up to my parents with. 
I felt so bad for him. 
I asked him once why if he didnt love her at all why he didnt divorce her sooner? Thats when the sotory of his wedding day came up and he also said that he had a child and decided to stay in a loveless marriage until she was moved out of the house on her own. 

I have spoken to her since she called my parents house one day and tried to scare me off. Then during Xmas showed up at the house. 

he doesnt blame himslef solely, he blames them both. He cheated on her a few times, but she was never around to actually have a marriage...still no excuse but...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok. I see.
Well I hate to say it but...you got involved with a married man who openly admitted to you that he cheated on his wife several times. That is a really sh!tty foundation to begin a marriage on...especially when you were the cause of their break up, or at least, the catalyst for his divorce. That is no good. Oh and I know you made a point to say that "SHE filed for divorce before he could." But can you really blame her? He cheated on her (with you) and abandoned her to live w/ you. I would have done the same thing (filing). 

Now with that out of the way--people don't change their behavior unless their want to. I recommend you telling him how he makes you feel when he does these things and says these cruel things to do. How it makes you feel bad. That you don't like the feeling and how it's having an adverse effect on you. It sounds like you are excusing his behavior away ("maybe it's his job, maybe he resents me for X, maybe this, maybe that") but it all comes down to this: he is fully aware of what he is doing. People don't just spew hateful things and mean comments w/o realizing what they are doing. So he knows full well taht he's treating you poorly. You mentioned you have enabled the dynamic by not standing up for yourself in the past and being passive--that no doubt, cemented the current dynamic. So now it's time for a shift. It comes down to this: tell him how he has to stop the behavior or ELSE and fill in the blank with a consequence. You have no boundaries, which is why he's walked all over you. He knows you have tolerated it nearly a decade so he prob believes that the dynamic is set in place and you aren't going to challenge him. So after you tell him this behavior needs to stop...he will either continue to do it or he won't. I fhe does continue, then you need to decide whether you are going to learn to live with/tolerate his crappy behavior or if you will leave.

Again, you cannot change him. He has to stop the behavior all on his own. You can change how you react to him though. And you can leave.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

RainbowLily said:


> do you think there will come a time when he can "see" what he is saying to me and maybe realise it hurts my feelings? Im shocked that these things even enter his mind at all....I would never in a million yrs say ANYTHING like these things to him.
> He has a punching bag in the basement..I may suggest he use it again...maybe that will vent some of his anger.


Sure. But until he reaches that point, your needs will be best served by making the effort to "remind" him. People in intimate relationships can unknowingly fall back into behavior patterns from their family of origin when they were children. If one of his parents spoke this way to him or the his other parent when he was young, he could easily fall into this without even realizing it


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## RainbowLily (Nov 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok. I see.
> Well I hate to say it but...you got involved with a married man who openly admitted to you that he cheated on his wife several times. That is a really sh!tty foundation to begin a marriage on...especially when you were the cause of their break up, or at least, the catalyst for his divorce. That is no good. Oh and I know you made a point to say that "SHE filed for divorce before he could." But can you really blame her? He cheated on her (with you) and abandoned her to live w/ you. I would have done the same thing (filing).
> 
> Now with that out of the way--people don't change their behavior unless their want to. I recommend you telling him how he makes you feel when he does these things and says these cruel things to do. How it makes you feel bad. That you don't like the feeling and how it's having an adverse effect on you. It sounds like you are excusing his behavior away ("maybe it's his job, maybe he resents me for X, maybe this, maybe that") but it all comes down to this: he is fully aware of what he is doing. People don't just spew hateful things and mean comments w/o realizing what they are doing. So he knows full well taht he's treating you poorly. You mentioned you have enabled the dynamic by not standing up for yourself in the past and being passive--that no doubt, cemented the current dynamic. So now it's time for a shift. It comes down to this: tell him how he has to stop the behavior or ELSE and fill in the blank with a consequence. You have no boundaries, which is why he's walked all over you. He knows you have tolerated it nearly a decade so he prob believes that the dynamic is set in place and you aren't going to challenge him. So after you tell him this behavior needs to stop...he will either continue to do it or he won't. I fhe does continue, then you need to decide whether you are going to learn to live with/tolerate his crappy behavior or if you will leave.
> ...



I was NOT the cause for their divorce and I never said he's treated me like this the whole relationship. 
And I have stood up for myself....

Why am I feeling, from you wrote, that I caused all of this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I asked you some background info as well as, when did he start acting this way which you explained. 

The dynamic is in place so it's up to you to shift it. The status quo doesn't work so you're going to have to try something different. Either he will work with you together to make the relationship better or he won't and continue the same behavior. Ultimately it comes down to: whether he wants to change/stop the behavior or not. You can't make him do that. You can only change how you react to him and decide what you're willing to tolerate/accept and how you can learn to change the dynamic yourself.


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