# Some trouble during R



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

My wife and I have been in R for about a year and things have been OK but the sex thing with us has been all over the place, for about the last two months it has been very in frequent and a couple of time I have felt she was just going through the motions. To be fair a couple of times it was pretty passionate.
The sex thing has been a problem our whole marriage but being the BH sex is a real pressure point for me.

Our MC has been constant about take it slow you have a lot to work on.

This last week I left on a business trip. We have always had sex prior to me leaving on a trip. When I came to bed she was wearing sweats, she kissed me and said good night and rolled away from me. I left for the airport 5 hours later.
We argued over the phone two days later. 

When I come home we talk a little more about the argument and then I crashed for a few hours I was beat. Later that night we went to bed and she is wearing sweats again and I get the I have a headache speech (she may have had one). Anyway I start an email war with her about sex again.

My wife says that sex is the only thing that I think we need to work on. On know we have a lot of stuff to still work on but I tell her I need to know that she wants me and is passionate for me.

Anyone else been on this roller coaster ride and how did you work it out?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

mahike said:


> My wife and I have been in R for about a year and things have been OK but the sex thing with us has been all over the place, for about the last two months it has been very in frequent and a couple of time I have felt she was just going through the motions. To be fair a couple of times it was pretty passionate.
> The sex thing has been a problem our whole marriage but being the BH sex is a real pressure point for me.
> 
> Our MC has been constant about take it slow you have a lot to work on.
> ...


YES!! I was just getting ready to post but didnt know if I should do it here or on the sex forum. Of course to me it all centers around the PA so I would think here?! Anyway....I have no idea what to tell you to do but Im curious to hear the advice. When things dont work out for us in the bedroom I always wonder if its me, is it another person, does he just not want me anymore, is there something medically wrong with him, etc.

I know how frustrating it can be and honestly all morning I've been asking myself WTF is wrong with me?! Im sure you do that alot too!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dude, if she isn't into it, then you need to find out the reason why. If she won't tell you why, then , more than likely she is thinking about somebody else. There may be other reasons but that is the most likely.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Dude, if she isn't into it, then you need to find out the reason why. If she won't tell you why, then , more than likely she is thinking about somebody else. There may be other reasons but that is the most likely.


Wow it's been a year like this? Have you checked the phone records lately? Could be a false r imo.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Dude, if she isn't into it, then you need to find out the reason why. If she won't tell you why, then , more than likely she is thinking about somebody else. There may be other reasons but that is the most likely.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

Not sure I am at all the best person to listen to here but I wanted to add a note or two.

In my experience my wife and I have never worn any kind of pajama type night wear to bed, and our sex life had always been regular if not a bit predictable. I assumed it went that way as couples grew older together and assumed that this is how she wanted it.

When she started wearing clothes to bed and having "headaches" all the time, I assumed it was just that. Instead what it turned out to be was a PA. In my reading this is often an indicator for affairs or at least emotional distance in a passive/aggressive type personality. I am certainly no counselor, but that is what I took away. 

At the very least there is a need there that is not being met for her. Draw her out in conversation and be honest about your feelings, perhaps she is waiting to tell you. Do all the things you can read about on here to nullify your being a man and her being a woman. Low controlled tones, body positioning, and when she speaks try to hear what she is saying not what you are hearing. Lord knows I suck at it!

Hope that helps, just found myself in that situation and talking about it and drawing her out were the means to working on it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What exactly is she doing to prove to you that she's truly remorseful? Because if she has that attitude about the R in general, it isn't a true R.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

How are things otherwise? Do you talk about how things are going for both of you? Are you both making time to spend with each other alone? Is there touch and intimacy that is non-sexual?

I can tell already with my other half that if sex is happening, he thinks all is well when it really isn't.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I agree there's more going on in her head that you need to get her talking about. The sweats and the headache speech are cop outs. Tell her how it makes you feel (unwanted), and that you are concerned. You need to listen to what she is saying and draw what she is feeling out of her. You do this by resisting the temptation to be defensive, just listen to what she had to say, repeat what you are getting from what she says to make sure you understand, and go from there. She may feel you want sex, but you are otherwise unaffectionate. That would not be good, she'd then view sex as a chore, that she was less than human to you even. You need to address problems like this head on, and not avoid them out of embarrassment or whatever.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

To answer some questions. I have the keyloggers, access to all emails, FB, I am pretty sure she is not in an EA and very sure she is not is PA.

As far as the R I still get the I am sorry talkes and tears, stepped it up in being an attentive with the everyday stuff.

We are talking about our marriage issues which are deep and we are stuggling with money. 

The funny thing is when my wife was in her PA our sex life was pretty good. That came out in our talks and it sounds like it was quilty feelings on her part.

Her PA was more about escaping our issues then the sex for her. I would not say that was the case for the POS OM. He went fishing a few months back and when the email came in she handed me the phone and showed me.

She has seen her DR and has low estrogen but she has had hormone therapy.

Our MC says the sex thing is hard to repair after the A. I know I had issues with sex when we first started our R


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> How are things otherwise? Do you talk about how things are going for both of you? Are you both making time to spend with each other alone? Is there touch and intimacy that is non-sexual?
> 
> I can tell already with my other half that if sex is happening, he thinks all is well when it really isn't.


Yes we touch, hold hands and have time that is just about us. I will tell you if the sex thing is working for me. I tend to be more open and willing to talk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish I had some great advise, but I'm wired alot different then must. I'm a very dominant lover and my wife warms up after I "let her go". I can say "taking it" isn't for everyone but it works for us. beside I'm sure the OM never asked and just "took it" 

Maybe in your case, if and when you get "it" keep working it until "going thru the motions" turns into a "begging passion" from her. My thinking is if she enjoyes it she will want more.

Maybe a little teasing will help IDK, foot rubs and back rubs?

I do know that romance is a big thing for chicks but who has the time on a week night right? I do however make sure I smell good before hitting the sack.

I do suggest you tell your fWW that sex is the glue and your MC is off with this point. I would also recall your memory bank and find that one button that turned the sex into something so passinate for your fWW. What was that one thing that got her going?


Maybe its time for a sex therepist?


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Another issue that weighs heavy on our minds as BS is are we dealing with _serial cheaters_? 

How can we not be afraid they we will end up here again after trying to reconcile.

I think it's normal to be highly sensitive to anything off and before the betrayal we probably wouldn't have zeroed in on theses issues. Reconciliation is a rough road indeed. I am hoping its worth all the hard work it takes to make a better marriage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How was the sex life before the OM ?

How was it during the affair ? how was she with him ?

How is it now ?

I did read some of your older posts and all I see is her doing the minimum to keep you from leaving.

Maybe it is that she is attracted to you and you may have to live with it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> How was the sex life before the OM ?
> 
> How was it during the affair ? how was she with him ?
> 
> ...


She was sexting with the other guy but that was not something she did with me. I always tried in the past but not much happened. She claims the sex with the other guy was OK and nothing that rocked her world. She said she was more up about the excitement of the lies, the planning then the sex.

She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited. Of course my response is I have seen you inside and out, all the good and all the bad but you are inhibited with me.

When I caught her and we had the big screaming match the sex was hot for a couple of months and then it tappered back to what we had before.

As far as think back to what made her rip your clothes of passionate. We have to be somewhere away from home. It never happens at home. I know her triggers what drives her nuts but it has to be away from home and work.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you live with that for the rest of your life ?



> She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited


That is insulting to you and the marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

mahike said:


> She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited.


Need to be adressed. Her other "persona" need to be incorporated into the marriage. Complete openess. With OM she didn't feel the need to be respected, she can't stand you might feel less of her if her darke side, her inner **** is exposed. There's always faulty thinking into this but happens all the f0cking time. Reverse maddona/wh0re complex.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Consider that sex comes from the limbic (primitive) portion of the brain. You need to appeal to that. You can't reason your way into being sexually stimulating. 

Stay dressed around her. Don't let her see you naked outside the context of sex. Hit the gym, lift weights, get a haircut. Anything to make yourself look/feel better. Worst case you at least feel better about yourself. The boost in confidence will do you good. Chances are she will notice too. Don't tell her you're doing it for her. In fact do it for yourself.

All of that aside. Have an honest discussion with her about the no sex, because it is still an important issue in the relationship, and obviously a hurtful thing when you know how sexual she was with the OM. Not in the context of begging for sex, but why it's a problem, and the further damage she is doing. Don't expect the talk to fix things, but it should help the two of you get a better understanding.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Need to be adressed. Her other "persona" need to be incorporated into the marriage. Complete openess. With OM she didn't feel the need to be respected, she can't stand you might feel less of her if her darke side, her inner **** is exposed. There's always faulty thinking into this but happens all the f0cking time. Reverse maddona/wh0re complex.


This has come out in conversation with our MC almost to the word


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Married Man's Sex Life
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 ebook


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> This has come out in conversation with our MC almost to the word


And yet she has done nothing.

What does that tell you?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> She was sexting with the other guy but that was not something she did with me. I always tried in the past but not much happened. She claims the sex with the other guy was OK and nothing that rocked her world. She said she was more up about the excitement of the lies, the planning then the sex.
> 
> She tells me she was someone else with him and not as inhibited. Of course my response is I have seen you inside and out, all the good and all the bad but you are inhibited with me.
> 
> ...


Do you really?

You had a big screaming match, showed you actually had testosterone, went Great Grape Ape on her...and you had hot sex for MONTHS.

But strangely, you didn't learn anything from this.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I feel for you my friend. 

My STBXW did this to me as well. We never really had the HB like I have read about so often. After her affair was over...if it was ever really over, she didn't seem to be attracted to me in a sexual way. Sex was few and far between. I was got myself in great shape, (actually was already) I read books like MMSL, changed my attitude, Bought new clothes...etc. She noticed but it didn't effect her desire for me too much. I took her out more and we went on trips together during R. I was making an honest attempt to re-connect with her. The sex on vacations was much better but still lacking in terms of passion from her. Back home...flat again. Sex, for her is linked to excitement. A 15 year old marriage simply cannot compete with the excitement and newness of an affair.

I needed to feel desired and wanted from her...she couldn't seem to do it...never initiated. I felt no real passion from her. If it was possible to have sex without touching me...she would do it. She would just lay there while I was "allowed to worship her". Afterward I would feel worse. She would sext with POSOM as well but never with me. I am reasonably sure they were sending naked pics as well. 

Without feeling that she truly desired me, I couldn't stay in R. To me, it was false. Honestly, she didn't do much of anything to help our R. I have read that this is what some WW's do. They can't seem to reconnect for some reason. Maybe it's guilt, shame..Idk, and frankly, I don't care anymore. Something is now broken inside of her and I was sick of doing everything to help her fix it...without reward. To her, love is a feeling...not a commitment. Now that she experienced her fantasy affair....reality is not good enough?

I finally filed for divorce. I couldn't deal with the fact that she pursued a lying, cheating, POSOM and wouldn't pursue me and win me back. I have a big issue with that. We are talking about a woman who has no passion for the one person that dedicated and devoted his life to her, always been their emotionally and physically for her, The father of her children and a great dad, a great provider, honest, caring and faithful in all respects and in good physical shape as well. She only seem to want what I can provide for her...without giving back.

There is something deeply wrong with a woman like that...and is best left behind.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I told my wife that if this was they way it was going to be then it will just be over. There has been a lot of pleading at this point on her side. I told her I would not beg for attention or sex


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

mahike said:


> I told my wife that if this was they way it was going to be then it will just be over. There has been a lot of pleading at this point on her side. I told her I would not beg for attention or sex


It had to be said, see what happens in the near future.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would call this false reconciliation. And you seem to be enabling it. Sorry. Just seems that way to me. She does not take you or this issue seriously. And from what you've said about the MC, I have to question whether this person actually has much experience with infidelity. Where's the hysterical bonding man? Perhaps hysterical bonding comes from fear of consequences, and since you haven't offered her any real consequences she just doesn't feel the need to really try.



mahike said:


> I told my wife that if this was they way it was going to be then it will just be over. There has been a lot of pleading at this point on her side. I told her I would not beg for attention or sex


This is definitely a step in the right direction.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mahike said:


> I told my wife that if this was they way it was going to be then it will just be over. There has been a lot of pleading at this point on her side. *I told her I would not beg for attention or sex*


No, you're just settling for little to none.

What kind of R is this? She should be chasing after you to prove that she still desires you. Instead, she's sending you some very strong signals that she doesn't have any romantic feelings for you (or maybe even that she's turned off by you).

The first question is, how long will you let this go on? The second is, once you've had enough of her rejection, what will you do about it?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The HB happened the first couple of months. We dealt with the A issues for months and then we moved into our marriage crap and that is when it moved back into low gear. I will have to see what happens next


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

mahike said:


> I will have to see what happens next


Way to take charge of the situation!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Did she say no the the OM when he wanted sex?

If she can't be uninhibited with you as she was with the OM, it's probably time to talk divorce and move on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Do you think your mge is slipping back into the same old same old, boring way it was---when she needed to get her exciting 'fix", at your expense, cuz she needed attention which is of course total BS

Has she worn sweats to sleep before----wearing sweats to sleep is a little weird isn't it---does she wear them to sleep every night, or just on nights she thinks you will want to be intimate

Another thing I would stop doing, stop having your CONVERSATIONS with her by text or phone----serious conversations about your future and your life should be held face to face---where you can read her, and you can't hide behind a F'ing piece of electronics-----its very easy to say anything into a phone or type something----when your partner/adversary is nowhere around---its a lot different when you are face to face---and serious conversations need to be face to face

Since your mge seems to have problems, and she seems to be the one percieving the problems---she needs to go to IC, and fix whatever is causing her to do all of this-------MC can resume when you have a viable mge to go back to


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I feel for you my friend.
> 
> My STBXW did this to me as well. We never really had the HB like I have read about so often. After her affair was over...if it was ever really over, she didn't seem to be attracted to me in a sexual way. Sex was few and far between. I was got myself in great shape, (actually was already) I read books like MMSL, changed my attitude, Bought new clothes...etc. She noticed but it didn't effect her desire for me too much. I took her out more and we went on trips together during R. I was making an honest attempt to re-connect with her. The sex on vacations was much better but still lacking in terms of passion from her. Back home...flat again. Sex, for her is linked to excitement. A 15 year old marriage simply cannot compete with the excitement and newness of an affair.
> 
> ...


Decimated, I think we are (were) married to the same woman. It's uncanny how well your description fit my ex wife.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Sounds like the sex life is vanilla.
She identifies herself as your wife. A wife wouldn't do XYZ, but a mistress would. She has ideas about how a married woman and a wife should act in bed. 
Take her out of her element. I'd recommend more time away from home. Book a hotel for the night, get some champagne and give her a massage. Don't make it about the sex, that's an added bonus if it happens. Often the most intimate moments don't involve sex. Also, if couples commit to five minutes of kissing......well, you get the point.
Try role playing  get her to read 50 shades of gray and promise to act out all the sex scenes. 

I know it's hard to do these things when you are the betrayed and she's the one who should jumping through hoops to be 
forgiven. 

Just my opinion


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I don't think you should need to leave the house to have sex, just sayin'.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Mahike, you need to be more suspicious. After all, she is a former WS, right? How can you be sure it isn't happening again? Just because you have passwords and such doesn't mean that there isn't something going on. You need to investigate again, to make sure.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Decimated, I think we are (were) married to the same woman. It's uncanny how well your description fit my ex wife.


Stay frosty for awhile and observe!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, even the mail from the OM, that is a bit suspicious.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I don't think you should need to leave the house to have sex, just sayin'.


Plus that eventually will get to be very expensive and soon she'll get bored with the sex.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am very sure things are not going on with the POS. I do have may bases covered. The only thing she is doing is talking with one of her GF's that has been kicking her ass about The A, she is a BW.

The sweats to bed is common when it starts to cool down. I am not reading much into that and since our blow up she has not worn them. I am staying frosty about things with her. I am going to see what the next MC session brings for us. I am interested in what she has to say

I am not going to judge the last couple of days we have had some family drama that has upset both of us.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

No I am not going to take her away to max her feel sexy. The effort needs to be on her part.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How do you make sure that she won't get back to old habits after some half-assed attempts to placate you ?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> How do you make sure that she won't get back to old habits after some half-assed attempts to placate you ?


I am not sure. I cannot see mc ending anytime soon and I am going to make sure that this issues stays on the table. 

That said I need to see a real change or I will throw in the towel.


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## Penny_Lane (Nov 2, 2012)

Can I offer a little food for thought...?

Ok, your wife had an affair. I don't know how long you were married but to me, and this may be hard to read, and remember this is food for thought, there Usually (..usually)are dysfunctions in relationships that lead up to an affair. There's something she was doing and something you were doing, but basically you BOTH were doing something wrong. Relationship wise.

A couple of thoughts - I have read, and do tend to understand that when a spouse has been in an emotional attachment, like an affair, and it ends, there's a period of grieving going on. Very hard to think about. Because the spouse that did not have the affair is hurting worse, basically eveyone is hurting but from different perspectives. I know that you'd like her to reach out to you....maybe she can't yet? Would you consider yourself approachable, in the past, or now? I know it's hard...

And second thought is..whatever got you 2 to this point, still hasn't been addressed, sounds like to me anyway. As a woman, I can say, I have a much harder time desiring sex when I don't feel connected to my partner. Like if there's been tension or stress in our dealings with each other. I believe she wants something specific from you, what I can't know. Intimacy? But not of the physical sort, Maybe I would suggest asking her how she feels, about the affair, about losing her dreams, if you could be able to, that is. 

And how ever long it took for the whole marriage to be crumbled down, it isn't going to be mended overnight, ever. Yes, she basically took a sledge hammer to what was left, yes it was wrong. And you have your own feelings of betrayal and confusion you're trying to deal with. 
I know you'd like to connect with her in bed, what I'm saying, and I'm sure you've heard it tons before, women, most of the time need to feel something more that an itch. It's kind of how we're wired....
I can assure you, that in times of stress, pressure to perform in bed can make the whole thing feel worse. Ach, what a mess eh?
Basically something's still not right...is there another way, for now, (I'd BOLD the "for now", if I knew how) perhaps, that you could use to feel wanted, outside of the bedroom, that is? Just askin'...maybe there isn't...just wondering at the possible answers, if there are any.

Ok and lastly, is it even conceivable...(get ready for it)..maybe a little soft porn to wake up her vajayjay..?..ok, I asked...

Just some thoughts....I'm sorry for your troubles -Good luck to you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> You are going to catch a lot of flack for this. :scratchhead:
> .


Yup. So he wasn't Dudley Doright. I'm guessing she wasn't a Stepford wife either. So why didn't HE cheat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Penny_Lane said:


> Ok, your wife had an affair. I don't know how long you were married but to me, and this may be hard to read, and remember this is food for thought, there Usually (..usually)are dysfunctions in relationships that lead up to an affair. There's something she was doing and something you were doing, but basically you BOTH were doing something wrong. Relationship wise.
> 
> 
> And second thought is..whatever got you 2 to this point, still hasn't been addressed, sounds like to me anyway. As a woman, I can say, I have a much harder time desiring sex when I don't feel connected to my partner.


Your points are 2 sides of the same coin. I agree that both the OP and his WW are responsible for the quality of their marriage prior to the infidelity. I don't recall the OP's story, but even if he was the nicest of guys, he would still be a part of the problem in the relationship because he didn't give his wife what she needed. Of course, the wife was equally responsible because she didn't tell him what was going wrong and she also probably had her own faults that probably caused the OP to react to her negatives too. 

But the wife is 100% at fault for the infidelity. The OP has ZERO responsibility in this. If the WW was truly dissatisfied with this marriage she had 2 options: 1) Communicate her feelings directly to the OP and forced the issue so that the two of them could have worked out the problems or 2) Divorce the OP and end the marriage. Electing to cheat is a morally repugnant action that makes her to be the POS woman that she is today. If I was a betrayed spouse, I couldn't give 2 sh!ts about how the affair may have hurt my cheating wife. She surrendered her right to have her grief tended by me in this. She would have to be prepared to crawl on broken glass to make me whole again or I'd sever the relationship and do it via a scorched earth policy. 

Maybe this is small minded of me, but I think at some point a BS would need to play the role of ******* if for no other reason than to help their emotional psyche. I'm not saying that this should be done forever, but a WS will never know true remorse unless he/she can walk a mile in the shoes of the BS. Sometimes, a pound of flesh is needed to set things right. JMHO.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Plan 9 got the last word in here.


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