# Please, tell me what you think? Can you relate?



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

My father says my husband is a toxic narcissist. Yes, he may very well have some narcissistic tendencies, but who doesn't. You have to have some feelings of narcissism, or self-love in order to have that drive to better yourself in life. Right? Aren't you supposed to love yourself, and take care of you before you take care of anybody else. They say that you can't take care of anyone else, if you don't love and take care of yourself first. 

People say things that are so contradictory at times. One minute you will hear someone say that if you really love someone, you would die for that person. The next minute, someone may tell you that you should never put someone else's life before your own. They might add that there is no point in saving the one you love, if it means that you won't be around to love them or feel their love again. 

I try to keep my husband happy, because I love him and despite the fact that I am very unhappy at times. Or, is that I try to keep my husband happy because I know that while I am unhappy with what it takes to make him happy, I would inevitably feel even worse had I not kept him happy.

For instance, I would like to spend more time with my mother, but don't when my husband seems to not want me to. Do I do this because I love him and it would make him unhappy if I did? Do I simply want him to be happy, even though I am unhappy? Or, do I not visit my mother _not_ because I want my husband to be happy, but because I want to make it so that I am less unhappy in the end?

I try to love myself. I think I am attractive. I think my happiness is important. I have wants and desires and don't want to care what anyone else thinks. I live in my own world. It is my world. I view the world though my own eyes, not someone else's. While I do try to consider how others are affected by my actions and how they view the world, inherantly, it is still my own world. Just as you live in your own world. Who doesn't? 

Does this method of thinking make me a narcissist? My husband always tells me that the only person I care about is myself. He tells me I am the mayor of my own world that I live in. He usually tells me this when he and I have different memories of how a past event played out. I don't even argue too much about differing memories anymore, I just let him have his way. I know what really happened, and it is not a figment of my imagination. Well, lets get back to the pondering.

If you love someone, would you kill youself for that person? Would you die for that person? Should you die for that person? If faced with such a decision to make, is that what you do if you love someone? Or, should you love yourself more than you love your partner, the one you supposedly love?

My mind is just questioning everything today.

I guess your opinions may help me determine, if I should be putting my husband's wants, needs and feelings before my own.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Nobody wanted to comment here, huh? I guess it really doesn't matter, huh? There will never be a concensus on this subject will there?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think the answer will be whatever someone wants it to be at the moment.

First, self-care and narcissism are different. It's not narcissistic in the least to get up, brush your hair and work to make a better living than you had before. It's narcissistic to get up, expect your family to gather around and groom you for the day and that the world simply owes you Trump Towers. 

More specifically though, I think you're talking about pretty extreme ends of the spectrum. And on the days that you're happy in the relationship then it's a beautiful thing to love each other and make sacrifices in the name of that grand love. On the days you're not, then it's narcissism and manipulation. 

It's like some of the other conversations about who in the relationship is the abuser. It all depends on where in the cycle things are at for the person. When things are bad, it's "striking out in self-defense". When things get to the make-up stage and are better, then well, maybe "it's my fault too" or "we're both abusers" or "I made him do it".

But really--would I kill myself for someone? Really? Never. I can't imagine giving someone that kind of power over me. I can't imagine a scenario where that even makes sense. I can't imagine dying for anyone I love either....but then I'm also having a hard time picturing a reason I'd have to make that choice. Both scenarios just make it sound to me like a person is nothing more than a hapless victim to this thing called "love" instead of someone that can think and act in their own interest. 

In the end though, it's like they say on the airplanes, put your own mask on before somebody else's...

***disclaimer--I've never claimed to be a romantic soul, I'm pretty un-girly and pragmatic when it comes to things like relationships and feelings...as you can probably see from above ***


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I would gladly risk my life for my kids, but probably no one else. 

Much of what you say sounds as though you are a victim, sacrificing reasonable expectations for someone else. Step back from the situation. Are your visits to your mother likely to be excessive--leaving little or no time for your H? Or, is he unable to be happy unless you are there to bolster his ego pretty much all the time? Does he resent ANY time you spend away from him? Or, MOST time you spend away from him? Those latter things suggest maybe he is demanding too much. 

If the time away from your mom feels like a sacrifice, it is too much time away for you. The real question is, how much time is normal and healthy? You might want to explore this with a therapist. If you prefer spending more time with your mom than with your H, for example, that might be your problem. If he's only asking for a bit more of your time, can you do it without feeling like it is a sacrifice? Or, are his demands so unreasonable that you really must sacrifice a relationship that is important to you-the one with your mom--to keep him happy? Not a good sign. 

A healthy relationship involves two emotionally healthy people. Yours sounds like someone is always having to sacrifice--either you, in not seeing your mom as much, or him, in not having as much time with you as he seems to want or need. WHY does it feel like a sacrifice? Answering that question might help you see that maybe you get a lot less from your relationship with your H than you expect.


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