# Feeling Jealous of Husband's Friends



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Having some problems sorting through some feelings.

Husband is a very friendly social guy. Makes friends easily, everyone loves him. 

Me on the other hand, I've always had trouble making friends. my dad is a social hermit. And I think I inherited some of that. I don't like groups much, I enjoy alone time. I love having one or two very close friends instead of many kind of friends.

Well long story short, my two close friends moved away. One is a 5 hour drive, the other is across the ocean now. 

That's okay. I got married, and I had all these romantic ideas of spending time with my husband. He is my best friend after all. 

Well it's not working out that way. 

I'll admit, I'm not really social. I prefer reading, computers, animals, over sports and parties. 

Lately I've been getting pretty upset.

I feel like Husband is bored with me, and spends every free moment with his friends. Then comes home and spends whatever time is left over, and not filled by other stuff with me. Like I'm getting his scraps. 

Many of his friends are in college, so they are home for the summer with no jobs and lots of free time. 

I'll take for example this week.

Friday he played baseball, and didn't get home until 1am.

Saturday was one of his sisters graduation party. I also had a wedding shower to go to. So I was at the shower from 11-2 then I went straight to the party with him. By 5 I was ready to go home. That many hours of people wear me out. Well he said he didn't want to leave that early, and that I was being unfun because I'd rather go relax at home on my day off then hang out with all our friends. 

When I say friends it's the other people our age. But I'm not close to any of them. We have nothing in common. We hang out in group settings, but I've never personally hung out alone with any of them.

Well I ended up catching a ride home with someone that was leaving. My husband didn't come home until hours later.

Sunday we had church until 12 then we went to eat at his parents like we do every Sunday. We usually spend all day there until I have to go to work at 6, but we left a little early and went shopping which was nice since I had the evening off.

Monday we were both off doing errands, but we got to spend about 2 hours together before bed. 

Tuesday's he has baseball practice until late.

Wednesday I work until late, and then he had a friend over.

Thursday he went to a friend's house. He got home around 9.30 and we had the discussion about him spending more time with his friends then me. I'll go into that later.

Today he plays ball again and will be gone until late.

Then the cycle starts over again.

I try to go to his baseball games to watch him, but it's an hour away and I ride with his parents. So it's not like we get to talk or anything. 

We never get an entire day together. I'm lucky to get him an entire evening.

He thinks the time between 8 or 9 and 11 is our together time. But most of that time he plays video games, or we might watch a movie.

He would spend more time with his friends if given the choice.

Well we talked about this is and didn't get anywhere. I told him how I'm feeling left out. 

He said I caused it myself because I don't chose to go out and make friends. He said I'm more than welcome to spend more time with the girls. 

He said if he stays home with me we don't do anything. (He has a point. I'm not very creative. So we usually just piddle around or watch movies or whatever. But I like that. It's me.)

Often times when there is a party I end up getting a ride home earlier, and I'm upset because he won't come home, and he's upset because I'm a party pooper.

Example: New years I had the flu and at 12.30 I wanted to go home because I was feeling really ill and I didn't want to get others sick. He dropped me off, and ended up staying gone until 4am. 

We are just two different social people. And I'm not sure how to come to a compromise. 

I don't want him to come home and do nothing and be bored with me everyday. But I also feel like he spends more effort and time with everyone else than me. We are at a stalemate. 

Infact the only other person I usually see is one of his younger sisters, who is a lot like me. She is quiet, and hates parties, and enjoys being simple like I do. But the fact is she is a 16 year old girl, so it's hard to be close friends. 

I have no idea what to do about this. And it bothers me everyday.

And I the controlling cranky wife, so is boring and a party pooper?

Or is he just being immature. 

I have a feeling it's a little of both, but I don't know how to make things better. 

He says he won't run so much once summer is over because baseball will be over, and most of his friends will be gone. But then I start school again too, and will be gone most evenings. Sigh.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am kind of like you...I have come to realize that at work, I love chatting with the girls, etc. but I do not have any girlfriends that I do anything with in the evenings or on the weekends. I often wondered if that was strange...it does not bug me but I wonder if it should bug me maybe?

My H has a few buddies that he meets for coffee or a beer, another buddy that he goes golfing with and sometimes I think is it strange that I do not do anything with any other females other than my sister the odd time. He has never said anything but I wonder if he thinks it is strange himself...

Honestly some of my favorite weekends are those that H is away working and I have no plans but to maybe just do some shopping/house cleaning, etc. I know some people that like to have people around them all the time..I do not. Sometimes I would rather sit at home and watch reruns on tv than go out and socialize. 

I have come to realize that I have a certain side of me that is social/chatterbox and then there is a side of me that is a loner...I am a Gemini so maybe thats it. I have had the odd female acquaintance call me to go for coffee but I never feel like going....I hear about people talking about girls weekends/nights out..have never done that kind of thing..does not appeal to me at all. I would rather be at home. Frick I sound boring


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I forgot to add that sometimes I will make snide comments to H like holy smoke that guy is calling you again to go golfing...sometimes i wonder if I do that because maybe I am a little self conscious that no female friends call me at home. Like I said I have friends I socialize with at work, go for lunch occassionally but that is where it ends.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm the same. I love talking! As you can tell by my post. I can talk up a storm. But I like one on one. Now that my life long friends have moved away, I have no real desire to pursue close friendship with any of the other girl acquaintances. I've known them all for years and years. If we were to be friends, I feel like it would have happened by now. 

One of my friends is coming to visit at the end of the month. Praise the Lord. So maybe that will cheer me up. 

I do think it's kind of odd that I have no "friends." Most of the time it doesn't bother me. But every once in a while I do have a bit of a pity party. Maybe I should just hang out with his younger sister more. I just wonder if she thinks it's odd that an adult wants to hang out with her regularly. lol

I also go out to lunch sometimes. But that's the end of it.

I think I'm self consciously jealous that my husband is so popular. Not so much that he has a lot of friends. But I'm more jealous that loves spending so much time with them. I wish someone wanted to spend time with me.

It's just worse, but there is no one else that I can get that feeling from because no one else spends time with me. 

It's lonely on weekends when he is gone and I'm like, "Oh I should call someone up and watch movies, or go out and do something. Oh wait. There is no one. Nevermind."


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

It's okay to be his best friend but not his only friend. Being a social guy I'm sure he wants a companion, not a housemaid. I am serious he will not become less social as time goes on. If you can't or won't keep up this wont end well.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I'm the same. I love talking! As you can tell by my post. I can talk up a storm. But I like one on one. Now that my life long friends have moved away, I have no real desire to pursue close friendship with any of the other girl acquaintances. I've known them all for years and years. If we were to be friends, I feel like it would have happened by now.
> 
> One of my friends is coming to visit at the end of the month. Praise the Lord. So maybe that will cheer me up.
> 
> ...


Yes, you sound alot like me...I enjoy hiking but no one else I know other than my sister likes to do that. I would rather do that with someone than sit on my ass drinking coffee. One of my son's friends we talk up a storm at the gym I think one day when I see her again I will suggest she come for coffee one afternoon. Sometimes I think is it because I talk and chat at work so then I just don't feel like doing it again.

I think in your case sounds like huge differences in personality...that might cause problems down the road..my H is not that excessive in going out as yours is. Sounds like you are more of a homebody and he is mr. sociability. He is almost too much social from what you said and honestly that would bother me too..especially the late nights.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I dont like the NYE thing about dropping you off and going back...that would tick me off.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

At least he isn't out drinking or hard partying I guess. 

They go fishing, or play video games or sports. 

I just wish I could be included. But it's guys only events most of the time. 

I'm hoping our personality differences can work out. I imagine it will be just me staying home alone a lot and being bored, and being upset but keeping it to myself if I want to keep the peace. 

I wish I could learn to be more outgoing and "fun." But honestly it would be changing who I am. 

He says he likes me as me. But it's hard not to feel a little lonely sometimes.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

He drops me off quite a bit. And I always get upset, but I don't make a big scene. 

NYE I was especially upset because I felt since I was sick he should be at home being a little sympathetic instead of staying out all night with his friends. 

He always stays out as long as possible it seems. It's like he doesn't want to come home, like he'd rather be any where else.

At the graduation party he stayed until he was the last person left with one other guy which he isn't even friends with. I just don't get it.

Our house is getting remodeled so there isn't a lot of fun stuff to do, and lots of mess, so that might be it.

But I don't nag him a lot, or bug him. It just makes me feel like he's purposely avoiding me. Which hurts. He says he's not, but thats just what my eyes see it as.


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## catcalls (Oct 31, 2012)

how is the rest of your marriage? i imagine it is good as you want to spend time with your husband

how was it before you got married? in terms of waking hours spent together, did you spend more or less or the same amount of time together before you got married.

if you look at it logically, you are not as much fun as his friends and he probably is an extrovert and feeds of all the energy and companionship of being around others. it makes him feel good. obviously it is not working for you.

how is he in terms of taking responsibility, doing his chores, being head of your household. i.e. apart from working his job and socialising, how much effort does he put into your household.

you dont want to force him to stay home because you know that he will start resenting it. he should want to stay at home more because home is not boring.

you need to stop chasing him first and foremost and start becoming more interesting, mysterious and intriguing. obviously you love him and want more of him. so you need to be subtle and try a few things such that he starts to chase you and loves being with you. 


try to join new clubs and social groups or use meetups to find activities which either push you out of your comfort zone. this will help your personal development, if nothing else and also make you feel more confident that you are a person who is interesting and worth meeting. get dressed up, put on your make up and enjoy going out. especially if you overlap it with him coming home to an empty house.

be truthful,are you complaining about him staying with friends when you actually spend time together. i would suggest getting rid of the tv or other passive activities when you spend so little time together. think of something, a home project, maybe learning activity (like a foreign language, perhaps ballroom dancing) which you can do together. find some common interest like say crafting, adventure sports, book club, anything you can do and have fun together. 

also, think about how much time you would like to spend with him more than you do. say to him that you want say 2 evenings a week and a whole weekend day or so with him. which means he still has another weekend day, and 5 evenings to do as he wishes. in the time you have together make sure you plan some regular fun activities. 

keep a happy and positive attitude and give it your best try and make him want to be with you rather than complain and guilt him into it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

There is another long thread on this forum: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...wife-cant-stand-my-weekly-guys-night-out.html

In that thread, I vigorously defended the right of the husband to see his friends at least once a week. In this case though, I think your husband is going a bit overboard. Couples should seek compromises, and it sounds like you have compromised much more than he has.

This may not help you much right now, but things will change when his friends start getting married, and they have fewer of these singles-style get togethers.

As in the other thread though, I recommend couples therapy. It seems like a trivial problem now, but it will get worse in the long run unless you two can find a middle ground that you both can live with.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You married an extrovert who loves people and parties. Extroverts don't change over time. That's who they are. They are energized by being around others. So they don't want the party to end.

Yes, he needs to compromise but you will have to compromise as well. Not saying it will be easy either but it needs to be done.


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