# SIL mad at me because I yelled at husband



## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

A few weeks ago, we attended a fair with my husband, our two sons, my SIL (husband's sister), her husband and her two daughters. My husband was seriously grumpy and we ended up arguing in front of his sister. She heard me calling him a miserable f*uck. She only heard the end of the argument. She didn't hear any of the stuff he said to me. Well, now she's really pissed at me and is not speaking to me. 

I don't understand why she injected herself into an argument I had with my husband. I feel she crossed the line and doesn't have a handle on boundaries. There's been plenty of times I've heard my sister's husband have attitude with her, but I'm not going to cut off a relationship with my BIL because he didn't speak to my sister in a manner I didn't like. It's none of my business. 

My husband now just wants to hang out with his sister's family without me.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Talk to her!

Explain the entire situation and why the comment she heard came about. Ensure her that you care about her brother.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

sarahkj2009 said:


> A few weeks ago, we attended a fair with my husband, our two sons, my SIL (husband's sister), her husband and her two daughters. My husband was seriously grumpy and we ended up arguing in front of his sister. She heard me calling him a miserable f*uck. She only heard the end of the argument. She didn't hear any of the stuff he said to me. Well, now she's really pissed at me and is not speaking to me.
> 
> I don't understand why she injected herself into an argument I had with my husband. I feel she crossed the line and doesn't have a handle on boundaries. There's been plenty of times I've heard my husband's sister have attitude with her, but I'm not going to cut off a relationship with my BIL because he didn't speak to my sister in a manner I didn't like. It's none of my business.
> 
> My husband now just wants to hang out with his sister's family without me.


On top of this, she's been sending text messages to him that are very passive-aggressive, such as "I love you and the boys."


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

This screams to being a situation that goes a LOT deeper than she overheard the end of an argument.

Sorry but I'd never say "you're a miserable f&ck" to my wife, regardless of how grumpy she was. That's disrespectful. If I heard my SIL say that to my brother, I wouldn't look at her the same.

Now this is my $0.02 in a situation where I've heard almost zero details. So take it for what it's worth.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This is his sister. She shares his DNA. They shared the same womb. You seriously don't understand why she has a problem with you dog cussing her flesh and blood? I've been my wife's husband for 10 years. She's been a sister her entire life. Do you think in my wildest dreams I'd berate my wife in front of her own family? I try to treat my wife with respect at all times but I especially make the effort when I'm in the presence of her own family. My ex used to talk smack to or about me in the presence of my family. Each of them instantly lost all respect or use for her because of that. Berating one's spouse in front of their family is like crapping in one's own shoes.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Ok, I just don't see it that way. Maybe if you heard what he said to me 20 minutes prior. He said, F you, you f'ing bit** while he was waiting in line to buy tickets. I was harsh because he was harsh. It's not her issue to be involved with. She doesn't know the full story.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Ok, I just don't see it that way. Maybe if you heard what he said to me 20 minutes prior. He said, F you, you f'ing bit** while he was waiting in line to buy tickets. I was harsh because he was harsh. It's not her issue to be involved with. She doesn't know the full story.


I suspect we're missing part of the story here. Sorry we can't be a cheerleading section for you, automatically agreeing that your SIL is out of bounds.

Chances are neither you nor your husband is in the right here. Yet, I wonder what provoked him to yell at you while waiting in line to buy tickets. Does he truly have that little patience? Or was he responding to earlier slight by you? Could this be a pattern of behavior that your SIL sees as the "last straw" in what she thinks is your ill-treatment of him.

If you both are hurling four-letter bombs, this probably goes deeper.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Maybe she doesn't know the whole story, but neither do we. Both of you have some significant issues in how you treat each other, though. Sure hope there was no kids around when all this was going on...

In any case, it's pretty natural for family to side with family. Why would you expect anything else? It could also be that he's told her HIS side of the story in past situations, and this time she saw it in person. 

And the fact that your husband wants to hang out with his sister and family without you isn't really her fault. It's your husband's decision. If you want that to change, work it out with him. His family probably just wants him to be happy, whatever that means. And if that means time away for you, they'll give him a place to go. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

PBear said:


> Maybe she doesn't know the whole story, but neither do we. Both of you have some significant issues in how you treat each other, though. Sure hope there was no kids around when all this was going on...
> 
> In any case, it's pretty natural for family to side with family. Why would you expect anything else? It could also be that he's told her HIS side of the story in past situations, and this time she saw it in person.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

No. She doesn't want me to hang out. In other words, she wants to get the cousins together without me. My husband is over it. We apologized to each other and moved on. She's still hanging on to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

"Two becomes one" does not include SIL's.

Couldn't stand mine and she was awaying stirring the pot between Hubs and his mom.

I stayed out of that mess. Time for your SIL to MYOB.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The way you two argue with each other tells a lot about the contempt you feel for each other. 

I get the sense this could be a pattern of communication with you two. Do you really want to talk to each other with profanities and vulgar putdowns when the children are listening? And in public?!

Neither you nor your husband is the winner in the argument. You're at fault as much as he is. It's also only natural his sister would side with him. Blood is thicker than water, as they say.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

Blood is thicker than water but considering my husband and I patched it up, he should tell his sister to let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You're still so focused on the sister-in-law. And in your other thread, you're focused on your mother in law. I've noticed you don't touch upon the way you and your husband argue. Using F-bombs and really nasty language to each other kind of says a lot about the state of your marriage AND the example you're setting for your children for how couples interact. It's not a healthy model for them to see dad calling mom nasty names and vice versa. If this was some isolated incident, it's one thing, but if it's a pattern with you two, you're both setting a bad example for them. Children model the behavior that they see.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're right... He should be sticking up for you to his family. But in your original post, you say that HE only wants to spend time with the SIL. Not that she doesn't want to see you (although I suspect you're right about that too). 

You've got a lot of moving parts going on here, but they revolve around your husband and your relationship with him. Focus on that first. The in-laws are secondary, if you ask me. 

You never commented on whether the kids were around when you and your husband were lighting each other up... Were they?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Your problem is with your husband, not your SIL. If he won't stick up for you to his family, that says something about HIM, not them.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It doesn't sound like your SIL injected herself into the argument, but perhaps she rather took exception to you calling her brother a "miserable f*uck" in front of others _and _in a public place...

I'm a firm believer that we should keep our noses out of other people's arguments, but I also believe that we shouldn't subject others to arguing in front of them - particularly children...

IMO, you and your H need to practise a little more self-control in future, OP.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Blood is thicker than water but considering my husband and I patched it up, he should tell his sister to let it go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a pretty common problem, and one of the reasons why problems within a marriage need to stay within the marriage. Talking to others about your marital problems is sure to shape the listeners opinion of the spouse being talked about. It is inevitable. The problem is, that opinion rarely changes. That is why family is one of the biggest hurdles to a successful reconcilliation after an affair. The partner forgives, but the family does not.

In your case, you inadvertantly brough the SIL into your marital issues, but did it in such a way as to make yourself look really bad. She will likely never let it go, no matter how much you and your husband patch things up. You need to hope that she will tolerate you from now on as that is likely the best you will ever get.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This is a pretty common problem, and one of the reasons why problems within a marriage need to stay within the marriage. Talking to others about your marital problems is sure to shape the listeners opinion of the spouse being talked about. It is inevitable. The problem is, that opinion rarely changes. That is why family is one of the biggest hurdles to a successful reconcilliation after an affair. The partner forgives, but the family does not.
> 
> In your case, you inadvertantly brough the SIL into your marital issues, but did it in such a way as to make yourself look really bad. She will likely never let it go, no matter how much you and your husband patch things up. You need to hope that she will tolerate you from now on as that is likely the best you will ever get.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

I was holding my son when he said what he said to me. No kids were around when I called him what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Perhaps that is why your husband seems to side with his family, he sees your behavior as disrespectful toward him therefore why would he or should he show respect for you.


I think that's kind of a double-standard, given that the OP said he was also passing out swears, in front of the children. Just that SIL only got an ear in the later part of the arguments. 

I'd say some counseling may be in order here, honestly - they need to learn how to corral the fighting and get to the real core issue why these arguments are happening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your SIL know that your husband called you said “F you, you f'ing bit**” to you a bit earlier in front of the children?


Were it me I'd send her an email. IF he would not stick up for, I would.

Dear SIL,

I am very sorry that you had the misfortune of hearing the tail end of an argument in which I called H a “miserable f*uck” in response to him yelling “F you, you f'ing bit**” in front of our children a bit earlier. It was hurt and angry that he would speak to me in this manner. But I should not have responded in kind.
This was very poor behavior on both of our parts. I hope you can forgive us for this.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think both you and your husband would benefit from reading the book "Lovebusters" by Dr. Harley. The way you two argue now is going to slowly kill the love and respect you have for each other.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Ok, I just don't see it that way. Maybe if you heard what he said to me 20 minutes prior. He said, F you, you f'ing bit** while he was waiting in line to buy tickets. I was harsh because he was harsh. It's not her issue to be involved with. She doesn't know the full story.


Perhaps she does have some knowledge of "the whole story", and yet, as others have pointed out, her loyalties lie with her brother and his children.

I have a brother who I love dearly. He is not perfect, but he is my brother. No matter what he does, or doesn't do, I will always love my brother. And, in his case, he apparently was not the best of fathers as his divorce from his ex many years ago caused him to be estranged from his only child, a daughter. To this day, she holds a lot of resentment and I can't blame her for that. I love her too. But, you see, I can't take sides. Both are bonded by blood, and I will not pick a side.

In your situation, you are not blood related to the SIL. She can't (or won't) pick a side when it comes to a difference between you and her brother. She will always support him, faults and all. Somewhere you need to accept that. 

Your problem lies with your H. He needs to fix it if he wants it fixed. He needs to talk to his sister and mend fences. He needs to show her that he loves and supports you even at times when you two are arguing. If he does not, then you need to accept that you and your SIL will always have this space between you and there is nothing you can do about it.

Rehashing the fight for her benefit will only encourage her to "pick a side" which will be with her brother. The only thing you can do is move forward and hope that in the future her opinion will change in regards to you (with or without her brothers help).


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

She's such an instigator. We got an invitation in the mail today and it was only addressed to our boys. Very disrespectful. She needs to grow up.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Wow, I think YOU need to grow up. Seriously. Was the invitation perhaps for a children's party?

If I ever heard my SIL talk to my brother that way, I wouldn't be real eager to talk to her either. I know he spoke to you that way first but two wrongs don't make a right.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Wow, I think YOU need to grow up. Seriously. Was the invitation perhaps for a children's party?
> 
> If I ever heard my SIL talk to my brother that way, I wouldn't be real eager to talk to her either. I know he spoke to you that way first but two wrongs don't make a right.


Actually, it was a thank you card. She's being petty.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sarahkj2009 said:


> Actually, it was a thank you card. She's being petty.


You're both being petty. 

Sit down and talk to her about it like an adult. Obviously there are deeper issues at hand here.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Is this the same SIL who you said caused her child to be special needs because she was a "fat pig" who ate at Wendy's when she was pregnant? The same SIL whose mom you called a racial slur?

There is a reason your SIL doesn't want to hang out with you.

It is time to stop blaming your husband and start looking in the mirror.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> Is this the same SIL who you said caused her child to be special needs because she was a "fat pig" who ate at Wendy's when she was pregnant? The same SIL whose mom you called a racial slur?
> 
> There is a reason your SIL doesn't want to hang out with you.
> 
> It is time to stop blaming your husband and start looking in the mirror.


Oh?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Oh?


It's from her other thread.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> It's from her other thread.


I wondered if there was something missing here. May have to go take a look sometime.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

No matter who is right or wrong here, in your shoes I'd invite your SIL to meet me for coffee and simply apologize for what she overheard... Without going into any detail, I'd just say that there was a lot more to it than what she actually overhead, but you're sorry for what she witnessed...

Sometimes taking the high road is the best road we can take when it comes to family, and should never be perceived as weakness. It's a sign of great strength, IMO, to admit when we're wrong and attempt to heal family rifts.


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## sarahkj2009 (Jul 26, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Oh?


I never said those things to her, I said them to my husband. Still bad, but doesn't have anythng to do with my situation with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sarahkj2009 said:


> I never said those things to her, I said them to my husband. Still bad, but doesn't have anythng to do with my situation with her.


I think it does. You don't like his family. They don't like you. Then you yell, called them names, etc to your husband. Your children probably overheard as well.

your husband is caught in the middle.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I think it does. You don't like his family. They don't like you. Then you yell, called them names, etc to your husband. Your children probably overheard as well.
> 
> your husband is caught in the middle.


I also think it speaks to your overall level of respect and maturity. Even if you said these things to your husband and not directly to them, they probably have picked up on your immature and disrespectful attitude.


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