# Can I just complain???



## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I don't think there is any advice I don't already know or have already tried but I just need to vent. I would love to hear support or any similar situations too. Advice is always welcome as well.

I am new here. I am 34, a stay at home mom to an almost 3 yr old little girl. My DH of 1 1/2 years works from home. Problem? Everything. We have personalities that couldn't be more different than night and day.

We constantly misunderstand each other. We communicate so differently. He says one or 2 word replies when I talk. He barely talks or shares his feelings. He speaks in a monotone voice and has a very unusual sense of humor. I don't know when he's joking. He has little energy and doesn't make eye contact hardly. 
I am very sarcastic, I have lots of energy and I joke around all the time. I talk alot and enjoy meaningless banter and also deep conversations. 
We constantly question each other. "was that sarcasm?" "are you joking or serious?" "I don't know what you mean" "I CAN'T HEAR YOU" "hello... are you listening to me?"
It is so frustrating. Most of our fights are from our different communication styles. We never seem to "get" each other, we most often seem to be on opposite pages.

He is very sensitive too. He takes everything I say so literally. He hates my sarcasm (I use it to be funny and make fun of myself and him and difficult situations). I don't call him names or purposely make him feel bad. I tell him this. But we still misunderstand each other. It is so rediculous when I look back at our arguments and days of not talking, all because of a misunderstanding in someone's tone of voice or lack of enthusiasm.

This is the major issue, there are so many smaller issues that stem from this big issue it's not even funny. We are together mostly because of our 2 year old but we never say that out loud. It's pretty obvious though, how different we are and how easily we give up on each other and our family. Most of our arguments get swept under the rug, a week goes by, and everything is back to "normal". 

Anyone? Comments? Suggestions? Pity?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are welcome to come here to rant, rave and vent. It’s good for the soul. My initial reaction is just because you have different communications styles doesn’t mean you can’t learn to understand each other. My wife is much better at verbalizing than I and I get my feelings/thoughts out better in writing. If you already understand your differences in communication make that as a starting point. The next time you are in a discussion use the repeat what was said method. “Honey, if I understood you correctly you would like me to…..” It can really help. If you can get him to communicate and fully understand your needs he may be better at changing behavior and not let things slip back to “normal”. Good luck.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Reading this simple page below changed my life. I realised that my wife and I have totally different communication modes. She is Audio-Visual, I am Audio-Tactile.

"Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library

Now I get my hair cut regularly, and have designer stubble. Yep, it changed everything!


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I will read that article right now, thanks for the replies!
I want to add/ask: is it on purpose sometimes? C'mon, can't someone just be a dink on purpose? This morning, he made coffee and forgot to put it in the carafe. It got cold and I had to make a new pot. I went to his office and said "honey you forgot to put the coffee in the carafe and it got cold so I made a new pot".

He replied "oh. sorry. I won't let it happen again" but in his monotone non expressive voice. He made little eye contact with me and I wasn't sure if he thought I was mad or not. So, in my way, I said to him sarcastically AND WHILE LAUGHING (giggling)
"you better not!" and I smiled at him. Waiting for a smile back, but nothing. 
then I said "I'm joking, honey. That's why I laughed" and thus began a huge argument. He didn't think I was joking. Even though I laughed, smiled and totally had a sarcastic tone to my voice. I was basically flirting with him. If he, at that moment, had jumped up from his chair and said "oh yea, well I'll forget to put coffee in the carafe whenever i d*mn well want to" and threw his arms around me and kissed me (or something rediculously silly) I would have melted and been totally turned on!!!!

instead, he thinks I'm seriously mad at him. GOD this makes me furious! I just want to be playful and funny and silly. I want dumb day-to-day things to be blown out of proportion in a fun way and for our lives to be fun. He just brings me down. Now this is a huge stupid "thing" that we need to work on. See my frustration?


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I just read the article. Very interesting. I am a visual and auditory person (can I be both?) He is neither, he is strictly a feelings person. Although, he doesn't respond to what I say with "I understand how you feel" he usually responds with "oh" and "uh-huh" and "yup."


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

samantha-
I loved that last post #4. You are a hair's breadth away from having the perfect relationship. The pair of you just need to get on the same wavelength!

I have to ask, why did you marry a monotone man? Was he always this way?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Wow did I get a great laugh reading this. My wife and I are similar but learned to communicate. I have a dry sense of humor most people don't get. I can be in a crowd say something and all my friends are busting a gut while others have blank looks on there face not understanding that I even made a joke.

Part of the key to my wife and I was learning how to interact which took several appoaches before we figured out the best way.

She to is a talker and has slack stick style humor. I normally am reserved and have a drier humor. But the ying and yang works best for us because she likes to talk a lot and I listen well.

The more ways you learn to communicate and tell him what you ned the better it will get. I never assume that I know how to talk to a person and evolve over time from each approach.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

samantharose said:


> I am a visual and auditory person (can I be both?)


Yes, I am audio-tactile. So I pick up on tone of voice, but if you want to really put me in a good mood you have to kiss me while stroking my butt!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Draconis- are you saying you are tactile, and your wife is audio-visual?


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Wow, draconis sounds like my DH. He has a very dry sense of humor. Think of Norm MacDonald. Very corny, very expressionless. I find him funny at times, i do. His family totally gets him, but often they and his friends do ask him "are you serious or kidding?"
But his sensitivity to my humor is what frustrates me. I can ask him if he's joking because he has a monotone manner and it's hard to tell, but when he asks me if I'm joking and I'm still laughing and smiling and rubbing his shoulders... I wonder if he is partially retarded? Ok ok, I shouldn't have said that. That was mean. 

Why did I marry this guy? Well, we dated for 5 months, got pregnant. I knew we were not the perfect match but he is kind, sweet, gentle, a good provider, VERY trustworthy (I know he would never cheat on me... physically). He's also gorgeous. 
I knew we were wrong and that this would be a challenge. But I would rather fake a terrific marriage and have a family and a daughter who is not from a broken home, than be a single mom or have step children etc. etc. etc.
Besides, I guess I hoped we would grow together, not apart. We both are in our 30's and seemed quite mature and hopeful. 

Most of my past relationships (one that was 5 years) have been with quite energetic, spontaneous, talkative, playful, probably immature, fun men. But they usually were not ready to settle down or were too immature or too young. 

Wow, it's quite eye opening when I write it down.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

smantha-
I would be really interested if you could keep us updated on how your communication goes with him now that you have read Dr Tracy. Even though I am 50/50 Audio/Tactile I have no idea how you would communicate with such a man if he is really toatlly tactile. Lots of touch I suppose 

Part of the idea is to couch things in feeling terms. So you can still use words, but you must talk of textures and feelings:

How do you feel about so and so?
So and so is a drag...
We need to knock off the rough edges.
It's like pulling teeth.
They gave me a frosty reception.
That was orgasmic!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Think in terms of how babies test everything by putting it in their mouths! It's all touch and feel.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Always in for a good rant :smthumbup:

Having conversation with my H is almost impossible. he picks apart every single word i say and asks me what i meant, or corrects me if i dont use the right word, he'll say, 'oh did you mean...'. i think its because he's an engineer so he has a mind for meticulous detail and adept meaning, but my god man! If i try and recount a simple story of something that happened that day he just gets so confused and keeps asking, 'what, what?' grrrr! Our conversations usually end with me saying, 'nevermind.' 

our sense of humor is nothing alike. he says im a totally different person when im around my family. No, im just different around him b/c he doesnt get my humor. and i dont get his. when he makes a joke i usually just stare at him, like, ya, ok, and...

and of course he's very sensitive, and emotional inept, so I have to verbalize what the emotion behind my response and actions to things is. Its like a disclaimer before everything i do and say. Today will be more exhausting because im tired and he'll take my tiredness and unresponsiveness as a rejection and pester me until he finally gets attention. 

Its exhausting!


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

haha, ljtseng, it sounds like our DH have some things in common.
If mine doesn't understand me, he rarely asks what I meant. He usually just assumes something negative or just says nothing. Sometimes I wonder if he has a limited amount of words he can use each day and he's trying not to waste them.
Sensitive, emotionally inept. Yup, just like mine. Exhausted??? Yup, me too! 
My DH rarely feels rejection or such from my communication. I am the one who usually has to guess what he means, or assume, or ask. Then he gets mad. If I tell him I feel like he doesn't care by the way he doesn't talk to me, he turns it around on me and says "me too!" or "you do the same thing". UGH!


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> smantha-
> I would be really interested if you could keep us updated on how your communication goes with him now that you have read Dr Tracy. Even though I am 50/50 Audio/Tactile I have no idea how you would communicate with such a man if he is really toatlly tactile. Lots of touch I suppose
> 
> Part of the idea is to couch things in feeling terms. So you can still use words, but you must talk of textures and feelings:
> ...



I have no idea how I will try to communicate with him using this new knowledge. I can use few words, but that's so hard for me to do. I can try to be more "touchY" but he'll get the wrong idea or I'll feel wierd.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

samantharose said:


> If I tell him I feel like he doesn't care by the way he doesn't talk to me, he turns it around on me and says "me too!" or "you do the same thing". UGH!


HA! mine does that too! that one took me awhile of frustration but i told him finally that if he has some complaints then please hold them until the end of mine, or write them down and talk to me about them later, but right now we're talking about me...so focus! lol


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

samantharose said:


> I have no idea how I will try to communicate with him using this new knowledge. I can use few words, but that's so hard for me to do. I can try to be more "touchY" but he'll get the wrong idea or I'll feel wierd.


You can use plenty of words, but use metaphor and simile that revolve around physical processes, objects and tangible feelings.

He will probably do better if you write things down... maybe.

Also, I would be interested to read a transcript of a few paragraphs from his mouth.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Also, I would be interested to read a transcript of a few paragraphs from his mouth.


what do you mean? His point of view on the matter, or what his responses are to one of our conversations?


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> HA! mine does that too! that one took me awhile of frustration but i told him finally that if he has some complaints then please hold them until the end of mine, or write them down and talk to me about them later, but right now we're talking about me...so focus! lol


YES! I always say "hey, this is MY issue, it's not fair for you to take my issue and my complaint and turn it into YOUR issue. If you have issues with me, you need to address them seperately and as they happen, not just when I address something with you.

He never does, though. He never comes to me with any problems. He just waits for me to bring up an issue I have and then uses his defensiveness to "all of a sudden" have the same issues with me. It's really not fair and non constructive. It tells me that he's not paying attention to me or taking my issue seriously. He immediately gets angry and defensive and attacks me. 

I would love it if he would come to me and say "3 days ago you said something mean to me that really upset me and I want to talk about it."

I would be like "Hello??? I want my husband back! Who are YOU????"


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

samantharose said:


> what do you mean? His point of view on the matter, or what his responses are to one of our conversations?


NO NO NO! Well sure, but that is not what I meant at all. 

I want to hear HIS language!!! The way he talks.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> NO NO NO! Well sure, but that is not what I meant at all.
> 
> I want to hear HIS language!!! The way he talks.


I getcha! I used to think he had Adult Aspherghers Syndrom and still kinda think he might have some traits of it. 

I'll try to remember the next dialogue we have, to write it down, or record it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Do you guys have plenty of sex?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lol...ya my H usually says he just forgets what his complaints were if he doesnt say them right when he's thinking them, which of course is when i bring up mine. i guess ive become somewhat of a mind reader, or b/c im now more emotionally removed, because i know what bothers him now and i'll usually bring something up and ask if it bothered him. sometimes he wont be very responsive but sometimes i hit the nail on the head. he used to get very defensive and angry when id bring up my issues but i guess that was b/c he didnt feel he was being heard, or something. now that im a little better at getting him to open up he'll respond to me better. its such an exhausting game though.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Do you guys have plenty of sex?


no way, that's the other problem. When we started dating, I was all over him and wanted it more than he did. 2-3 times a day. He would say that he likes to go a day or 2 in between so then it's better the next time we were together. I never understood that.

Then we had a baby, he is not romantic at all and everytime I offer him some intimacy (hug or kiss) he tries to turn it into sex. He's a very "grabby" guy. Not a caresser. Like when we hug, he just grabs at me instead of being soft or gentle. But he is too gentle in the bedroom. I am the aggressive one. I usually have to make the move and get things into the bedroom. I have to prepare myself during the day to get myself mentally ready for a fun night in the bedroom. Otherwise, if left up to him, it's just a duty. "toddler's in bed, ok, wanna do it?".

NO!!!!!!

I would love to be intimate everyday. I have a high drive. Higher than his. But I am losing my attraction towards him with all these silly misunderstandings and communication flaws.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I gave a tip on this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/men-s-...doesn-t-my-man-try-have-sex-me.html#post14944

If you can get him to do this, he will be on to you every day. I was doing it 3 times a day when we had time.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Every time I read this I get a chuckle. I am so much like your husband in so many ways. I had to ask my wife to read the post and asked her some questions about how to respond. One thing she does when I get into my one word answers is to ask a probing question that requires more then just a word or sentence.

Since he works from home maybe getting a bit of time away from each other might help too.

The key to my wife and I was we learned how to communicate even though we came at things from a different way. Maybe having a heart to heart can help or having a councilor for guidance.

draconis


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Thanks Draconis. Well, we used to have weekly marital assessment meetings that I came up with. I found an online questionnaire and we would print it out and fill it out and share our weekly remarks. It was nice. It worked for a good 2 months. Then we had an argument and stopped doing it. He hasn't mentioned picking it up again and I am tired of always being the one to try things and feel like I am the only one who wants to work at this. 
You know, after awhile, you just feel alone in the desire to make it work. I don't want to force him to be with me. I want him to want to try as well.
We have had many heart to hearts. Many. Where we are both in good moods and it goes well. But then time goes by and all is forgotten. 
We went to counseling. He chose the counselor. Saw him alone and then I saw him alone and then we saw him together. He gave us great suggestions and tasks to do during the month. My DH did not do his task (he was to come up with other ways to express to me his appreciation other than the same verbal "I appreciate all that you do"). He also was supposed to come up with more creative compliments for me and that never happened. He usually says "you look nice honey" if I get super dolled up for a night out. But not a random, genuine comment out of the blue. 
Some days, he comes home from a job and he's dirty and sweaty and wearing the most unflattering clothes but I see him reach down to take his shoes off and have to tell him "your *ss looks great in those jeans. You should take them off". It comes naturally to me, why doesn't it to him? And he wonders why I feel unattractive to him. I tell him this too and he says "I'll try harder" but nothing. 

I'm just complaining huh?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

No you make valid point but remember to him a smirk might seem like the earth moved. Maybe if nothing else has made it work try something different. Can both of you come on the forums, or would that be intrusive? I think once you find the spark to communicate things can and will fall into place.

draconis


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

There will be times when we are on the same page and joke and have fun. It doesn't last long. But he will be funny and he will assume I am playing instead of assume I am being negative. Then 2 days go by and he is sulky again (or sounds and looks sulky).
Could he be depressed? He has few hobbies... I struggle to think of one consistent hobby. He has his own small business which consumes him. CONSUMES him. He dreams about work. He is on the internet about work all the time. He lights up when he talks about his work. He rants about work and could talk for hours about what he does. That's the one thing he'll really talk to me about and use lots of detail and expression. 
He doesn't think he's a work a holic. I do to an extent. Sometimes work is really slow and he is idle. He's pretty stressed out either way. We could be financially well off or eating scraps and ramen. It is quite scary. 
He has sibblings that have similar traits as he does. As much as I try to look at myself and change my behavior and assess our marriage, i can't help but wonder if he is more the issue (or our differences) and if it is beyond "fixing" and more of a "learn to live with" situation. 
I would not want to ask him to come on the forum. I want to wait to see if he shows interest in discussing things to begin with. At the same time, I'm looking up info on separation. Although the last thing I want to do. That will be my next post, though.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

by the way, this is helping me out alot. I really appreciate everyone's input and assistance. It is really nice to hear from people who have been here and spend the time to offer their expertise and opinions.
Thank you!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

His business seems to be a key factor both good and bad. He really gets excited about it because he made it from the ground up. As a small business owner I know what it is like to have a business and make it work. But the fact that he is consumed by it might point to many things.

Depression? Very likely and I would see if things get worse in the winter. Many people that are shut ins per se get worse in the winter. But you don't have to be a shut in. He may have learned the behavior from his family. In part I lost my first marriage because I was a work a holic. I grow up in a family that did that and we were judged by what we did, even after we got out of the house. My mother and even my grand parents never worked less then 60 hours a week at manual labor jobs.

Stress and the fear that he has to hide the feelings that he to is scared of letting you and his little one down. After all depending on how he was raised he may have been taught to hid his emotions to "be a man".

Another factor to consider is he might have a social disfunction like aspergers which is a mild form of autism. My son has this, although he is extremely smart he lacks ability to interact with people in a productive way.

Just food for thought.

draconis


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Did you read earlier where I asked him to get tested for Aspergers?
When I looked up his symptoms online a year ago, I saw this condition. A huge lightbulb went off. It sounded just like him. Most of the symptoms anyway.
When he saw his counselor, he told my DH that he had NO symptoms of it since he was able to hold a conversation and make eye contact. Therefore, he did not recommend he get tested and now my DH thinks I am trying to find fault with him.

I really do think he has it though, or some form of it. I can't go on their forums anymore, though, I get super depressed and cry alot reading people's threads. It's a sad thing to live with. Maybe I don't want him to get tested. It would hard to admit and realize that things won't change, I just need to learn to adapt.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sam-
You could have this man eating out of your hand if you wanted to. You have to crack the code that's all.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

LOL, Mark, funny.
I'm trying! 
altho I don't want him eating out of my hand alone. I would gladly eat out of his at the same time. I hear you. I feel like we are just steps away from being really happy. 

Anyone know what his code might be? I've completely changed who I am trying to figure him out.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

A. I'm serious.

B. You need to remember what your goal is, and not get attached to ego boosters that at the end of the day are not part of your goal.

Example: You are always the one that is working on the relationship. You would love it if HE came up with a few suggestions. Forget it! You are the leader in this department, why not just take up your role fully and enjoy it. Unlike a lot of men, he seems reasonably happy to play along with your ideas. If I were you I would get down on your knees and thank him for putting up with your strictures and structures and meetings and all.

C. If I understand you correctly, you want sex more than he does, but you ration it because you are pissed at him?

D. You agree with me that you are a few steps away from being happy, yet you said that looking into separation might be your next post? Make up your mind, before you loose this guy!


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Yes, I do sound nuts. But I feel nuts too.
This marriage is a 2 way street. I did not choose to be the one in charge. I have needs too. I am so tired of people telling me I need to do this and I need to do that while I get neglected?
I've tried to do things in ways I think would make him happy, I've tried to back down and apologize even when I think I'm right. I've stepped way out of my comfort zone to try to understand him and let him be who he is.

But I don't feel the reciprocation. I don't feel or hear or see the love. It appears to me that he is reluctant in his words and actions.

Sex... Yes, I have a high drive. I am not a man, though. I cannot just have sex with my husband because he exists. I have needs. I understand that men are different than women, why can't men understand that women are different than men????
If I want sex and he doesnt', I can't exactly have it with him. If he agrees to it reluctantly or is not into it, I notice that and it affects my desire to be with him. There are many many days and nights where my "little battery operated friend" is my savior. 

Plus, with our problems, how can we possibly be lovingly intimate? 
I feel like I am steps away from being happy (but that the ball is in his court) or steps away from being single. I can't sit idly by. It drives me crazy. 

Oh, and, I won't be getting on my knees anytime soon to thank him for putting up with my structures. While I put up with his silent treatment, neglect and disdainful manner, lack of attention, and poor communication. Yet, unwilling to try something to fix things, just waiting for me to come around again.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

samantharose said:


> This morning, he made coffee and forgot to put it in the carafe. It got cold and I had to make a new pot. I went to his office and said "honey you forgot to put the coffee in the carafe and it got cold so I made a new pot".
> 
> He replied "oh. sorry. I won't let it happen again" but in his monotone non expressive voice. He made little eye contact with me and I wasn't sure if he thought I was mad or not. So, in my way, I said to him sarcastically AND WHILE LAUGHING (giggling)
> "you better not!" and I smiled at him. Waiting for a smile back, but nothing.
> ...


I agree with MT in taking this on yourself. As obvious as you may have thought you were that you were flirting, if he takes things much more literally, he might have read it as she's annoyed with me but doesn't want to argue. It's frustrating to have to explain 'It was a joke' each time but why not try wording things differently (it will come more naturally the more you do it) so that you don't leave any room open for misinterpretation? How do you think he would have reacted to this?:

He replied "oh. sorry. I won't let it happen again" but in his monotone non expressive voice. He made little eye contact with me and I wasn't sure if he thought I was mad or not. 

So, in my way, I said to him sarcastically AND WHILE LAUGHING (giggling)
"Well, next time it happens I will need to give you a spanking *wink*" .


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

Swedish, I totally see your point. I like that. It makes sense to me.
I need to be even more obvious than I thought I was.
I still have this feeling that he will think I am mad but trying to cover it up with joking. But I can try that anyway and see. I'll let you know how it works out, once we start being normal again.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish said:


> "Well, next time it happens I will need to give you a spanking *wink*" .


Hey Swedish, has my wife been telling you ALL my secrets?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

As I have said I deal with Aspergers all the time. It is hard to communicate with them for two reasons. One they focus on one aspect heavily. Two if they are not focused on you they drift and even if the hear you they are not listening.

Have him sit on a couch without distractions in the house and you stand in front of him, holding his hands leaning over him. It is a focus technique. Tell him what you need in the marriage and that it is make it or break it time.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

samantharose said:


> Oh, and, I won't be getting on my knees anytime soon to thank him for putting up with my structures. While I put up with his silent treatment, neglect and disdainful manner, lack of attention, and poor communication. Yet, unwilling to try something to fix things, just waiting for me to come around again.


His communication is no more poor than yours! It's just that the two of you are speaking to different audiences - yourselves! You speak in a way that you would understand, and he does likewise.

I got on my knees this morning to apologise to my wife for something, and it worked quite well. You have to swallow your own ego if you want the fast track. You have to choose, whether you want to be married to your ego or your husband!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Yes, MT, she filled me in. I know all those paddles above your bed are really not because you were on the Oxford Rowing Team


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

swedish-
If you only knew...


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

I hear you MT, I really do. 
I'll think it over. I have to settle down first. It is hard to give in and apologize when you are a bit bitter and angry. I know one of us has to be the bigger person.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

samantharose said:


> I hear you MT, I really do.
> I'll think it over. I have to settle down first. It is hard to give in and apologize when you are a bit bitter and angry. I know one of us has to be the bigger person.


You talk about how close your relationship is to perfect but have to think of a way to save such a good thing? Hmmm.

draconis


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

You are not alone- heck , I came here for the samething. I was thinking about leaving after 16 years of marriage -because I did not understand what the [email protected]@ , she was talking about . Even after all these years. I needed Rosetta Stone® for to communicate with my wife. What helped was a marriage retreat- I found out that I was not alone.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

When I say we are close to perfect, I am agreeing with MT that we could be so happy if we were on the same page. When you spend most of your time trying to get on the same page and it becomes a bigger battle, well, then it's hard to keep trying and trying and trying.... I think what MT meant, and what I mean, is that I attempt to make light of our disagreements. I joke, use sarcasm, sexuality, spunk, and excitement. This confuses my DH and he takes it as me lashing out at him or being negative or blaming. I don't get it, I tell him all the time I am joking, I even laugh when I do it so he knows I am joking but he doesn't get it. 
So like I said, I am starting to wonder if he just doesn't want it to work, or if he isn't trying to understand me at all for some reason, but the more I walk on eggshells and try to poke fun of little things, the more irritated he gets.
If he reciprocated in the teasing, it would lead us to the bedroom everytime. I just don't think he knows how to tease, flirt or be carasmatic (ouch, spelling). Which is fine, I'm just trying to figure out how I can change to make him happy.

We have tried to find marriage retreats but they are never in our state.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Charisma is something people normally have not learn. Have you ever explained to him about the teasing and your view of it?

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sam-

Yes that is what I meant.

I am amazed that you have not changed your tune yet. Why don't you let down your guard a bit and have some fun? You sound like you have just wasted half the weekend.


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## samantharose (Aug 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> sam-
> 
> Yes that is what I meant.
> 
> I am amazed that you have not changed your tune yet. Why don't you let down your guard a bit and have some fun? You sound like you have just wasted half the weekend.


HUH? I am confused. I've been letting my guard down and that's why I am in this mess to begin with! 

I did go out with the gals Saturday night and that was a ton of fun. I needed that. My DH and I are talking, just not about the recent disagreement. Fine with me. 

And, I am a SAHM so weekends don't exactly exist to me. Everyday is a work day.


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