# starving husband



## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

To start this of, I have no one to talk to about this so I've come here. I can't talk to friends or family cause they look up to my wife and I as model married people. I don't have the heart to burden a friend that looks up to me. Better they keep thinking everything is fine if it helps them in their relationships.

Ok, married over 10 years, late 30's, have kids, wife is stay at home mom, everything is great, except our sex life. If we have sex once a week it is a good week. I like to take time with sex, play, have fun, enjoy each other. I will do anything a woman wants me to do. Any position, toys, oral, bondage, anything!!!!

She wants it quick and goes to sleep. She doesn't like to move much in bed. I'm the one getting into different positions and bending over backwards for her. She is also kinda selfish in bed, won't spend time to make me happy the way I spend time to make her happy. A BJ or HJ just to make me happy is never even considered and would not happen. I've had birthdays with no sex, left to go out of town with no sex, back from out of town with no sex, you get the point. 

We had a decent sex life at one time and I always hoped it would get better but the last 2 or 3 years have gone down hill. I can't talk to her about it. Even on unrelated issues she will say that I'm mad cause we don't have sex enough. I have told her more than once that I don't even care about sex anymore just to defuse the issue. I'm damned either way I go.

About me. I'm not fat, I work out regularly and people complement me on how I look. I'm clean and take care of myself. My sex drive is high. Even higher since I started weight training. It boosts testosterone to weight train. Great, making myself hornier and no outlet. 

About her. She has gained some weight and gotten soft over the years but I still love her and I'm still attracted to her physically. I tell her that regularly. She wants to get in shape but has motivation problems. If I force her she shuts down. If I leave her alone she shuts down. Damned here as well. Half the time we have sex she doesn't seem like she really wants to be there.

I don't want to cheat but honestly I would have a hard time fighting off an advance from another woman. To be desired by someone would be amazing. I'm growing so frustrated that I'm angry. I try to hide it from her, make excuses. 

I'm just so lonely.


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## IloveFlowers (Dec 8, 2010)

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe she is really really tired from staying at home with 3 kids? She may also feel terribly unattractive no matter what you say if she has gained weight.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i dont know how old your kids are, mine are all in school and my wife is SAH, and we have sex about the same amount. mine seems a bit more interested than yours when we do though.

if all of your kids are at home running her ragged allday, you are just another chore to her. i realized that when we were in that phase. if she really wanted it though you would get it. she obviously doesnt and the reasons can be many.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I feel exactly as you. I could have written your post. Every point you made is the same here.

I've tried to communicate with her about it, and now she relates EVERYTHING, every problem, every fight to my frustration about our sex life. If I do something good, it's to get sex, if I do something bad, it's cause I'm angry about sex, if I go out I'm looking for girl because of our sex life. In fact - she is actually starting to be successful at doing something no one else has ever managed to do. She is making me NOT want to have sex with her.

I don't have any solid advice for you at this point. What I'm doing right now is I'm not trying to have sex with her. If and when she tries - I'm going to shut her down. I am being friendly, but not overly and not initiating affection. If she complains about it, I'm going to let her know that an intimate, afffectionate, cooperative relationship is a package deal. You don't get the components that are important to you while ignoring the components that are important to someone else.

I dont' think I need to explain any of this to her anymore. She knows I'm not happy and why. I've spent enough time trying to fix this. If she wants this to work she is going to have to invest some effort into it. If she doesn't then it will crumble. I can't hold both ends of this stick up anymore myself.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

The kids are young and she does work hard. She is an amazing mother. I could not ask for better. She is an amazing partner. We talk about so many things and have the same goals. It is just the sex part. Am I the problem? Am I wanting too much? I don't want to go anywhere or cheat or anything. I'm not even looking for advice. I already know how to handle this. I just deal with it. I even feel stupid posting this. Am I just looking for attention?


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

No, if it's important to you then it should be important to you wife. If you choose to quit working because it's "just not as important to you" as it is to her - would that be ok with her? Would she "Just deal with it". Somehow I think not.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just1Man said:


> We had a decent sex life at one time and I always hoped it would get better but the last 2 or 3 years have gone down hill. I can't talk to her about it. Even on unrelated issues she will say that I'm mad cause we don't have sex enough. I have told her more than once that I don't even care about sex anymore just to defuse the issue. I'm damned either way I go.(


 So to diffuse, you have started lying, denying & making excuses. Never the answer. Do NOT be afraid of the conflict . Bring it on ! It sounds as though you MUST or this will be the slow death of intimacy in your marraige. 

Not sure what others will say, but I believe you need to just be totally HONEST before her, sit her down, calmly tell her how you are feeling-deeply & expressively, how you NEED her in this way, that this is no longer working for you, you are LONELY, you are angry, you are not even sure if you was approached by a flirtacious desirous women if you could resist (might want to keep this one to yourself-she may never let you live it down!), that you LOVE her but you can not go on like this anymore. 

Her Shutting down is completely unacceptable. A marraige can not survive & flurish if one partner is always "checking out". 

MY husband never really sat me down & talked thoroughly with me about HIS hurt and feelings when he had a Higher Sex drive than me, although I needed it at least once a week or I was coming to him. I wish he would have opened up with me , I feel it would have helped us. But he choose to silently suffer, as he also does not like conflict. 

If she truly cares about you and this marraige, she will listen carefully and desire to please you. 

Ask her many questions, what arouses her ? If she NEEDS anything from YOU, let her know you are willing to make changes for HER happiness as well. 

Could be your Love Languages are way off - and you have been missing each other for years. 

Here is a thread with a link to the book & test for spouses to see what each other is, so they can work on fullfilling each others needs. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

What's happening here is more common than you know. And by the way, I don't mean all the ways it has _manifest_. Sex is one of the big 5, the things that couples have conflict over. Then again, you're not really having conflict. You value peace so much that you avoid it. Again, _sex is the manifestation, not the problem._

It takes learning something new, and unlearning old unhealthy patterns, to solve this. I'm going to spell it out, not to be blunt, but to be brief.

*Your toolbox is a little light.*
You need some new tools, new skills. Being able to say what you want, listen, and then negotiate, these are skills, skills that are either lacking or under-used.

*If you have the skills (allowing that you might or might not) you're not using them.*
It's important to ask yourself why. I've already mentioned you value for peace. This is both learned and may be a part of your personality. Just know that your are trading your power to speak and negotiate for what you want. You are trading it for peace. That's healthy long term.

*Marriages seek stability all by themselves*
This is part of "systems theory", in that systems seek equilibrium. Marriages play by the same rules. So what? _Even if/when nobody is getting what they want it's hard to bring change._ When you try to make changes the old system tries to bring stability back. 

The good news is, this is very solvable. You just have to know where to turn. This is a good place to be able to talk about it since you don't have other couples in your life that you can do that with (by the way, also legitimately unhealthy). But for the skills you need let me make a suggestion. There's an organization I know of called *thinkmarriage.org - Welcome to thinkmarriage.org.* They look like they are based out of Wisconsin, but their website also has lots of resourced for helping with exactly what you seem to need. They're a non-profit that's all about connecting people resources for building healthy relationships. I think you'll find some good stuff there. Hope you do.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

We go through a cycle. Sometimes she will initiate sex and it will happen a few time and all seems good then things cool down all over again. I know she cares and she is trying. She even told me she is just not as interested in sex anymore. So if I tell her I need it then I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do. Sex is as personal as it gets. I'm not going to force her to have sex with me and I don't want pity sex. I want her to want sex like I do. I just don't see that happening. I know some women my age that will dry hump a lamp post they are so horny. My wife is not like that. Meanwhile, I'm getting just enough "sexual calories" to survive.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

Just1Man said:


> The kids are young and she does work hard. She is an amazing mother. I could not ask for better. She is an amazing partner. We talk about so many things and have the same goals. It is just the sex part. Am I the problem?* Am I wanting too much?* I don't want to go anywhere or cheat or anything. I'm not even looking for advice. I already know how to handle this. I just deal with it. I even feel stupid posting this.* Am I just looking for attention?*


Regarding the first question, no. You want what you want and it's okay to ask for it...but you really aren't asking. There are no guarantees, and there may be unpleasantness, but what you are doing is not working either.

On the second question, I don't think so, but you are stalling. You aren't doing what you say you know to do. It might be worth exploring with a professional. i suspect this is related to rejection, and rejection is a much bigger deal of males than we like to admit.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi..
uhhh...you are mad about it, if you didnt care about connecting with her and being with her...you would not talk about at all...
sorry that you are unhappy, but as two grown adults, you should be able to talk about sex, esp. sex between husband and wife.

you have to tell her what sex is to you how it affects the marriage, all sides, negaative and possitive, and her side to its important..tell her what she says is important to you...

she will be mad..she will rage..she will say things like "you only want to use me for sex"...and anything else to push your buttons, anything to push you away...she does not want to have this conversation...

you need to have this and find out why, whats up in her head.

on another note, does she know or think the same thing about your friends that everyone looks up to you as the perfect couple". howw does she feel..overwelmed?, underpressure?. how does it make you feel, alone?, isoliated?.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

Right on all accounts. It's very personal. We go through cyclical changes. It seems we are rarely on the same page. That's all normal stuff.

I used to think I had to be a superstar in bed. She appreciates that. She's a very satisfied woman, and I do mean from a woman's point of view. But we've worked it out over the years and sometimes she actually prefers a quickie, even for my sake. She sometimes needs assurances that it doesn't mean I won't be pursuing her again when she's ready for more. But you have to be able to really talk about it, talk about what's happening underneath it all.

You have ideas about sex. So does she. You say you talk about a lot of things. This seems off limits. Not healthy my friend. You might actually have a more productive convo by choosing your subject carefully. Rather than, "I want to talk about our sex life", it might be more productive to say, "I want to talk about our IDEAS about sex".


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

I want to thank everyone for your help. Just posting this thread has really helped me to clear my mind. Not having anyone to talk to for the last few years has really made this hard. I'm usually everyone's shoulder to lean on. The big tough guy that everyone can depend on sometimes need a little help himself.

As for my wife. She knows things are not right. She wants to spend time with me this weekend. Kids are spending the night with family. I'll talk to her. Believe it or not I am a problem solver. Don't pigeon hole me on this one post. I just don't want to mess up something that is good in every other way. I don't want to hurt her feelings. We have a great life. She told me recently that she is happier than she has ever been. If we can fix the sex issues all would be perfect.

Thanks again for letting me rant. It has helped just to get it out.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Just1Man,

I think sometimes we try very hard to protect our image, we tend to ignore some important issues we need to fix in our life. 

It is very good that you come to this forum and share your frustration with us. 

Your wife is happy, extremely happy. But how about you? Just the word " Starving" tells me that you are very frustrated. 

From your posts, I feel that your wife is a loving wife, a loving wife should know clearly that she needs to do things to make you happy!

I am confused about other people's thinking. Do they know that sex is a MUST?

Sex is something " MUST" for a healthy marriage. It is his or her responsibility. It is just as important as putting food on the table and clothes on the body.

You don't need to hurt her feelings, you just need to let her that you want to improve your sex life and make your life perfect! She as a loving wife should take it into heart and do things to please her loving husband.


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## sadmel (Dec 3, 2010)

Yes, I agree. If you are not happy with the sex life, you need to bring it up. Or she needs to bring up WHY she doesn't want sex with you. 

This is exactly what I'm going thru with my husband...I feel like you are my husband writing this! : ) 

Our lack of sex has really hurt our marriage over the years. We used to fight about it, he always wondered why I didn't want it. I came up with every excuse in the book...too tired, kids wearing me down, long day, just don't want to right now honey, maybe tomorrow...blah blah blah. My husband got so frustrated with me and I don't blame him. I didn't want to tell him the truth - that I really am not attracted to him, don't want him to touch me, just cannot do it with him. I put him at bay for YEARS.

Just last week I told him the truth - the brutal truth. Didn't blame him, pretty much blamed it on me and my feelings for him. It was tough, but also good to get out in the open. 

I am going to individual therapy and also soon we will be going to marriage counseling. Not sure if it will help, but we have to TRY. That's all you can do. 

But you both need to have a serious talk about the lack of sex and what is behind it, or what you think is behind it. No blame, no fighting, just talking honestly about it and then what the plan is. Do you both want to fix it? What steps to do that?

Yes, sex is SO much part of a healthy relationship. Without it, marriage will suffer greatly. Believe me, I know first hand. I am contemplating divorce because of it. Not easy, with 3 kids. 

It is not fair for either one of you! You have to talk about it! Please do that! The longer you wait, the worse it will be, that is the truth!

I thought when I married him that sex really wasn't a huge part of a marriage...but now after 17 years I realize I was HUGELY mistaken and we are both paying the price for it. And our beautiful, innocent children. F-ing sucks.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Sorry you're going through this but when I read your post - it hits home. You are describing my marriage for many years. I worked PT, two small kids, hormones all screwed up due to the fertility drugs, etc. I can go on and on. 

I had put on a little weight after kids and felt ugly, no matter what my hubby said. (I was still by no means overweight) So that could be part of it. Second, she stays home all day with the kids - does she resent you at all for that? Do you help out alot when you are home? Does she get to go and do things with girlfriends or does she always have to have kids with her? Could her hormones be out of whack? It sucks when they are and can completely throw off your libido.

It's true - when my kids were small - I was so tired and run ragged and you're right - sex didn't sound enjoyable - it sounded like a chore - someone else wanting something from me. 

Talk to her. Explain how much you love her and that sex isn't just sex for you - it's how you feel connected to her and loved, etc.

We never did the date nights so we lost US. We became roommates and parents, not lovers anymore. We ended up resenting each other - me for him "only wanting me for sex" and him for "me not wanting to have sex." Vicious cycle. I urge you to sit your wife down and talk or go to marriage counseling if she will. It helped us. I just would hate to see someone else go down the path our marriage did. My hubby was incredibly lonely too and starving for attention..................and another woman gave it to him. Since his A was discovered, we've recovered and our marriage is better than ever. BUT I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING to go back and be able to fix our marriage before the A.............and so would he. 

Do you still cuddle and kiss? With no expectations of anything else?


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Thanks again everyone for the help... Let me answer a few questions. I help out around the house as much as I can, I love to cook for my wife and kids and I clean up after myself when I do, she goes out with friends whenever she wants (I want her to have her time and I'm happy for her to do it), she wanted to leave her career of over 15 years to stay home with the kids, I love my kids and I'm a diaper changing, bath giving, play with the kids kinda' dad...

Now... I didn't talk to my wife. She beat me to it ! She cornered me when I got home from work and said "we need to talk." I was surprised what she had to say. I never even considered the reason she gave me and I know she is telling me the truth when she said it. I started working out very regularly over a year ago. 4 to 5 days a week at home. I don't do gyms / meat markets, don’t have time for nonsense. I just want to work out and get the most out of it. I have never been fat in my life but never really in shape, just kinda normal. The weight training I started along with the running, etc caused my body to change quickly (according to my wife but to me it feels like forever  ). It turns out that my wife was intimidated by the way I started looking. I just wanted to get in shape to be healthy for my family and make my wife proud. I never thought it would drive her away from me. She said it made her feel like she was not pretty enough for me anymore. She compared me to one of the shirtless male models on the Old Navy Christmas commercial (I have no idea where she gets that, those guys are 15 plus years younger than I am and in better shape)... Anyway... I'm not a vain guy. I still wear the same clothes I wore two year ago. I don’t even take my shirt of when I go swimming or work in the yard. I think of working out like I think of tuning up a car. I'm not trying to get girls (except my wife). I just want my body to work better and I want to live a long healthy life with my family. Anyway, she said it took her a long time to come to terms with it. She lied to herself and to me about what was really wrong. She said that now she appreciates that I want to look good for her and she wants to start being a good wife to me again. She also wants my help to get back into shape so she can make me proud of her... I'm already proud of her. 

So. Things are off to a good start. I know what is wrong now. She is working on dropping those insecurities and reminding herself that I have been with her this long, I’m didn’t get into shape to make her feel bad, and I didn’t get into shape so I can leave her. I got into shape so I can be healthy and be with her and my kids for as long as possible.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

that is the cutest thing i have heard---sorry thats not what you wanted to hear...but now you know and it must be a relief to know..

that is so sweet to hear she thinks you compare to thoes guys..[dont change her mind about that]

and hey i guess you are still that star couple we all hate YAY!!!
thanks for making the rest of us look bad..LOL!!!!
happy for you...keep talking about everything...


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Now I don't know if her rejecting me cause she thought I was too sexy is cute  ... It caused things to get kind bad between us. I'm just glad it is not something like, she hates me or she met someone else or she is just dead below the waist. 

the past two days with my wife have been great. we are talking, spending time together, and yes, having sex. she is enjoying herself and so am I. 

we are not a perfect couple but we work hard to be the best we can. I certainly feel that this has re-opened the lines of sex communication with my wife. hell, what's the point of having a buff, hard body husband if you don't enjoy him ? :smthumbup:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just1Man, I've gone through a similar situation... Getting fit for myself, causing self esteem issues in my partner. Sorry for an incorrect paraphrasing, if that's not right. In my case, I lost 55 pounds, and went through 2 wardrobes to get there. But it's definitely something to be aware of when making lifestyle changes, I guess.

But our root cause, as with yours, was a lack of communication. I was getting rejections and getting frustrated, and neither of us was talking to each other about why we were behaving and how we felt.

In the end I'm not sure that we will recover... Talking about issues is one thing. Committing to resolve the issues (and resolving them) is another. And the sex was only one. But it's good to hear a success story!

C


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

PBear... You summed it up... Wow... 55 pounds... Excellent work. Always be proud of the hard work. Never let anyone make you feel guilty for getting healthy. I'm sorry to hear that you wife just can't get over it and do the work she needs to do to save your marriage. What I don't understand is how someone would want their spouse to be unhealthy. Many people would try to stop a loved one from trying to kill themselves with a bottle of pills but have no problem with them eating themselves to death. Sad.

The thing that helped my wife break through this was her religious nature. In marriage it is wrong to deny your husband affection (if he is a good husband and father). It is also wrong to be jealous or envious of someone. Most people would agree that these things are not healthy be they religious or not. 

For my wife, she said I went from being "normal" as when she married me to being in shape and that messed her all up. In total I probably only lost 10 or 15 lbs of fat but lost over 5 inches in my waist. I put on a fair amount of muscle. Other husbands my age have pot bellies while I lost my pot belly and am now working on having a well defined 6 pack (one day  )


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just1Man, to be fair, if things end, it's not just because my wife can't get over it. There's a number of other issues, but the lack of intimacy kind of tipped things over the edge. And in my case, it wasn't that I was pushing her to become healthier, although I am trying to set healthy examples for the kids in particular. But I think when I lost enough weight that was lighter than her, it really hit her hard. Perhaps like it is for some guys, when their wife starts making more money than them? Who knows...

The odd thing was that I never intended to lose weight. I just wanted to get in shape so I could do things with the kids and not feel like an old man.  I accomplished that mission (I ran 4 half marathons in 2010), but...

C


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

Well. Nothing is as easy as it seems. 

My wife is falling back into her old habits. We talked last night about her lack of affection. She said a woman not wanting sex at her age is normal. She is in her late 30's. I thought that was sexual prime for a woman? She told me that men think sex is more important. I told her I just want some attention. Cuddle on the sofa, talk with each other, not just sex. I did tell her is would be nice if she actually desired me, lusted after me. She was hesitant in saying she did. She said she just doesn't like how sex is a big production with me. Foreplay, positions, how long it takes, etc. She just wants is quick and in one position I guess. I told her that having sex three times a week would make me very happy. She didn't seem to have much to say about that. I also told her that I feel she would be happy if we never had sex again. She didn't have much to say about that either. 

It's not just that I've gotten into shape that threw her off. It is a number of problems that is causing her not to want to have sex with me and I don't know what they are cause she hasn't told me. I've been patient for over 2 years and now I'm talking to her trying to get to the bottom of this. Apparently she does not desire me in a sexual way. She would be happy with sex once or twice a month and I would be happy with sex 3 to 5 times a week !

I really don't know what to do now. We will likely talk more tonight. I hope. I have opened the lines of communication and told her in detail how I feel. I will keep doing it till something gets figured out.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Just1man,

What your wife said is true about some women, but not all women. I am 37, I am horny a lot now, I think I am reaching my peak, I hope this peak lasts some years. 

And as a woman who loves sex so much, I really understand the kind of pain you guys are going through. If my husband can't fulfill me all the physical desire I have now, I would be feeling terrible. 

I don't want her to be like other wives, doesn't wake up until the husbands throw them the divorce bombs, she has to understand that she is not fulfilling your needs for intimacy. If she wants to keep you, she has to do something, you should let her know the importance of it, or somebody should let her know that! 

Making a man sexually content is important for a woman if she wants to keep her man.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

To have a horny wife that would jump into my arms, kiss me like she meant it, and have hot passionate sex with me sounds like a distant dream. If I had that once a week it would be wonderful. My usual experience is similar to last night. Literally she made a comment last night when I playfully suggested sex, "so, what are we doing."... Flat tone in her voice. Wow, don't get too excited now. I feel like I'm asking her to run and she has no legs.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You may find some useful information here:

The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference

I usually wait to see a few red flags before suggesting the thread. Peruse some of the content, make your own decisions based upon the dynamic you have with your wife - but from what you describe, it is a familiar one as far as attraction and sex goes.

It is pretty common that a partner or spouse will become intimidated, or resentful if the other partner makes a substantial physical change for the better. Congratulations on making a great positive change.

Looking like a shirtless model and being less available to your wife may be exactly the thing that changes her mind about whether or not she decides to put more effort into preserving her marriage.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Just1Man, please check your private messages. Would love you insight on a very similar situation with my wife.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Just1Man said:


> The kids are young and she does work hard. She is an amazing mother. I could not ask for better. She is an amazing partner. We talk about so many things and have the same goals. It is just the sex part. *Am I the problem*? *Am I wanting too much?* *I don't want to go anywhere or cheat or anything.* I'm not even looking for advice. I already know how to handle this. I just deal with it. I even feel stupid posting this. Am I just looking for attention?


There's no need to feel stupid. This is an advice forum right?

It doesn't sound like you are the problem. There is nothing unreasonable about a spouse wanting a decent sex life. You have mentioned an affair more than once; it seems like you are trying very hard not to be unfaithful. I don't blame you for that. 

Tell your wife that sex is one of the ways you show her that you love her. Let her know how you feel, when she does not allow both of you to enjoy pleasure. I would suggest marriage counseling as well.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Just1man,
> 
> What your wife said is true about some women, but not all women. I am 37, I am horny a lot now, I think I am reaching my peak, I hope this peak lasts some years.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Exactly.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

My wife has had a few wakeup calls in the last month or so. Death of friend, family, etc. With this horrible stuff said, my wife looked at me. I’m always there for her. I’m a great husband and great partner. I work very hard to stay healthy for myself and my family. I work hard to give them what they need, I try hard to look good for my wife, and make my family proud. A strong defender and provider for my family. This all clicked in her head around New Years. 

She is a little overweight so she started changing that. Eating sensibly and asking me to help her with her workout plans. She lost a few pounds, two inches in her waist and her attitude turned around completely and quickly.

I haven’t pressured her into sex or even discussed it. I’ve been playing hard to get in many ways. I think that made her want me even more. I spent much time shirtless around her after lifting weights (yes, I was trying to tempt her). Well… It all busted wide open last night. She woke me up about 10 minutes after I went to bed and gave me one hell of a ride. If I give details I will likely get my post deleted  !! It was outstanding !!! She was HUNGRY for sex with me !!! We both had a blast !!! 

I then took the time to talk to her after. I told her I loved her. I want her to enjoy me. Sex is important. We need to leave the day to day crap out of the bedroom. Lots of hugs, kisses, passion… Wow… I could not be happier right now… The next morning I reinforced how much I love her and how happy she made me last night, and how much I enjoyed making her happy. I grabbed onto her butt and pulled her close to me giving her a passionate kiss. She moaned when I did that  !!! I went out of my way to positively reinforce that our time together made me happy, made us happy, and is a good thing for us and our marriage.

I will not let this go. I will keep reinforcing how important this is. I hope this is the start of a new trend… Just1Man


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Just1Man said:


> !! It was outstanding !!! She was HUNGRY for sex with me !!! We both had a blast !!!
> 
> I then took the time to talk to her after. I told her I loved her. I want her to enjoy me. Sex is important.


So happy to Hear Just1 Man - Way to go !! Hope this a new beginning for you & her. Sounds like the perfect start to a beautiful new awakening, hopefully her sexual awakening. 

When I was younger in my marraige, I had this crazy idea that I only "needed" it like once a week. Never really thought about sex much, but after coming to this board, I learned from many other posters, that it is easy to be aroused , so long as we are willing and available to our partners. .... If your wife can just get a handle on this fact alone, and happily allow YOU to arouse her when you are feeling it, you and her will soar to new places you never dreamed of with likely ALOT of frequency. 

Happy New Year !!


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

that is so awesome dude!!!


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

No real advice, but understanding where you are at. I have a husband who has told me often that he doesn't like sex, and doesn't want it anymore, but yet expects me to remain celibate with him. I've tried for years and years to try and work it out with him. I've had all the conversations with him, read the advice books, went to therapy with and without him, etc...sometimes he would try for a few weeks and then go back to his old ways of refusing sex and/or affection. 

Now after 15 years of this I am trying to get my financial ducks in order so that I can divorce him and have nothing to do with him. I'm also at the point where if someone does make a sexual advance I wont be turning it down. 

I hope your wife comes to her senses. I think it's cruel and selfish of her to refuse you the physical and emotional intimacy that a healthy marriage needs. 

And let this be a warning to all other spouses who don't like sex--if you are unwilling to keep your spouse content sexually don't expect them to stick around.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

sailorgirl said:


> No real advice, but understanding where you are at. I have a husband who has told me often that he doesn't like sex, and doesn't want it anymore, but yet expects me to remain celibate with him. I've tried for years and years to try and work it out with him. I've had all the conversations with him, read the advice books, went to therapy with and without him, etc...sometimes he would try for a few weeks and then go back to his old ways of refusing sex and/or affection.
> 
> Now after 15 years of this I am trying to get my financial ducks in order so that I can divorce him and have nothing to do with him. I'm also at the point where if someone does make a sexual advance I wont be turning it down.
> 
> ...



Sailorgirl... I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can't understand a man not wanting to have sex, not wanting to be close to his woman, not wanting feel that connection. Low self image, poor health, low testosterone, who knows. I would have sex with my wife every day if she were up to it. 

I will say that I am not in fantasy land about my wife's new found outlook on life. I do realize this could turn at any moment. I will work to make sure it doesn't but she has to work as well. I do know that if this is not a permanent change and she does go back to her old ways I will be more tempted than ever to stray. I don't want a divorce but I can't live without a sex life. I'm almost 40 years old and in good physical condition. I have many healthy sexual years ahead of me. My wife has told me recently that I could easily keep pace with a woman 20 years my jr  !! 

So... I second your "warning". If my wife does not want to participate then I will find someone that will. Life is too short.


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

OMG! I am experiencing the same thing EXCEPT I am a women who's man does not want sex. We are currently on a 8 month drought. Before that, it was like once a month or every 2 months. Which was not acceptable to me then, but I made the comprimse. I realize my husband is not a sex machine, although I wish he were at times. I totally get the "she's my bestfriend and good wife thing". He is a great husband. SO WHY AM I COMPLAINING, RIGHT. Kind of hard to explaining that someone who doesn't understand, it's like putting ice cream in front of you and saying DON"T EAT IT. What? You have to fight every natural urge inside of you because you live with this person and constantly being tempted. What still babbles me is.... Don't they feel urges? Don't they feel temptations? Am I the only one? Sorry I cannot offer some deep words of wisdom. But I can truley relate to your conundrum. 

I hate when people say sex is underrated. They obvisously aren't doing it right. lol


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

@ Saliorgirl 
@ Just1man

Don't wish for an affair because it will happen. I have recently started one myself and not because I was looking. But the opportunity made itself available and I was unable to resist it. AND the sex is great! I have never cum this much before. The problem is .. now I want it all the time. My sensations have all come back to life and fully awake and craving it a lot. I try to get as much as I can without getting caught. However, my husband still carries on like everything's the same. I really don't know what to do about that situation...so now I've created a new situation.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Just1man...Way to go!
I hope it really turns around for you there
Cheers Bud
And keep pumping that Iron....(and her too)!


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

nice, good to hear things are gettin better..
I am in a very similar situation you were in except we have only been married three years and have no kids..been struggling with sex since day one of our marriage...
you give the rest of us hope, lets hope it keeps gettin better for you.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

I have read all these posts with great interest! I am in the same boat. My wife just isnt interested in sex. I am in my mid 40's and have had a couple of prostate infections. Each time I have dreaded the results incase I got bad news. Fortunately on each occasion it was a simple infection. The consultant told me the first time round that emotion etc aside, we have to empty our 'tanks' atleast once a week otherwise we are prone to infections. 
I took my wife with me the second time....the consultant re-itterated the same...as we lose the ability to have 'wet dreams' at about 25 we must ejaculate atleast once a week. As far as my wife was concerned it fell on deaf ears.
I love my wife, I buy her flowers, and try to be a good husband (no one is perfect!!)...however having to 'sort myself out' makes me feel lonely and resentful. Sex is very important in a marriage.
For a wife, or a husband, to start addressing the problem they first have to accept that there IS a problem. 
If a wife won't even accept there is a problem, you're on a hiding to nothing.


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## Just1Man (Dec 9, 2010)

All... Well, shortly after my wife and I had our fantastic night of sex her "friend" came to visit. She did tell me the other night that it should be over soon and we could spend some time together !!  I have been sweet to her, helped her, cuddled with her (on her request), kissed on her, and spent many a morning walking around without my shirt after working out  . I work out at home, not a gym/meat market. She has been receptive to my affection. I'm not letting up on her. 

Ms. In Love...But... An affair can make life a messy place. I totally understand why you are doing it. Masturbation can only take you so far. Trust me, I know. If I would have pushed the issue with a woman I know she would have opened her door to me even though she knows I'm married. She would have done it just for the sex and would have kept it totally secret with no desire to marry me. Just sex. 

My sex drive is high as well. I'm going to be 40 soon. I can masturbate 5 times a week and still want sex at least 3 or more times a week. I just want to find a balance with my wife that keeps us satisfied and close. I hope to settle in to 2 or 3 times a week with my wife. It would be good for both of us. If I need more I can keep myself happy to satisfy the balance . 

Jezza... My friend. Masturbation and porn keep my marriage together over the last year or so. A man NEEDS to ejaculate for health reasons. It's not just something men say. You know that better than I do. I have no guilt or self pity about masturbating. It's like doing push ups or some other workout (just feels better ). Prostate disease / cancer will DESTROY your sex life and could kill you. Some prostate surgeries cause permanent ED and actually shorten the penis. Most of a mans penis is inside his body. Removal of the prostate caused the penis to slide further back toward the anus and causes a loss of length (so I've been told). Look. I ain't tiny but I cant afford to lose any either  !!!
Take care of that. It will help you keep a right mind, keep you healthier, and allow you to work on your sex life with your wife.

Good luck to all... Just1Man


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## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

Just1Man said:


> To start this of, I have no one to talk to about this so I've come here. I can't talk to friends or family cause they look up to my wife and I as model married people. I don't have the heart to burden a friend that looks up to me. Better they keep thinking everything is fine if it helps them in their relationships.
> 
> Ok, married over 10 years, late 30's, have kids, wife is stay at home mom, everything is great, except our sex life. If we have sex once a week it is a good week. I like to take time with sex, play, have fun, enjoy each other. I will do anything a woman wants me to do. Any position, toys, oral, bondage, anything!!!!
> 
> ...


Hey Brother! I'm here for ya and in almost the exact same boat...except we're talking to a marriage counselor. My wife is a bit more into sex than yours and we have sex about twice per week. Some might say that sounds great. Well...it isn't. I'm an everyday type of guy. If it happened every other day and the quality improved a bit...my satisfaction would go up significantly. My wife sounds EXACTLY like yours in the motivation department and with the same exact body-type. I workout as well...and keep my body fit. I'm 37...she's 36. Is your wife a SAHM? My wife struggles with mental health issues...but isn't on meds. I know this struggle creates relationship problems for us...and they aren't going away. So...I've reached a point where I don't think we'll ever be compatible. It sucks...because I really want to have vibrant relationship with her but I don't think it is possible. We're probably headed for divorce...which is a killer for me because we have two kids. I'm in the worst place because I have to decide between the pain that I'm currently in that will never end (because it has been this way for 9+ years)...or take a chance on some different pain. My children will not handle moving out of the house very well...

Hugs,
CC


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