# stuck, stuck, stuck



## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Hi,
I really feel stuck. 12 years married, 2 kids. Tumultuous relship from the start. 
Where we are now: horrible financial issues after loss of our home. He and I both work but underearned and lived beyond our means and have been trying to clean up the mess since 2009.
He is a poor communicator, shuts down and has been emotionally unavailable for years.
Everything is my fault in his opinion- our finances, the choices we have made.
This am, we spoke about separation. He called me a ****ing ***** twice, says I provoked it. This has been the running issue. All is my fault. 
So now, we both seem pretty ready for separation, but due to finances, can't make that move at this time. During our discussion, he never once said he wanted to fight for the relationship. I feel really sad because we have done MC and he now refuses. He acts like a victim saying he works so hard for the family. All his negativity gets dumped on me.
When does one say, enough is enough? 12 years of good and bad, 2 kids. A husband that says he has no room to work on our relship and won't take ownership of his issues...:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you work outside the home? 

It looks like you have two options... 

1) a divorce.. but you cannot afford that right now


2) back off some to give him some room to cool off. Got to individual counseling to find to find a way for you to handle this situation. One person can change a marriage. It can be done by changing yourself.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What does your MC say. Who is to blame. Surely he also wants a good marriage. Write him a letter saying you cant separate and have to continue living together and you would like to make it 'peaceful'. Find out how he would want to go about it.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It sounds like you guys are in a real rut. Sorry to hear that.

What would your husband say are your issues? It would help us see the dynamic better. He is either severely depressed or is interpreting something from your end as negative to feed his half of the loop.

Hope it gets better CK.


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## NoCode (Jan 23, 2012)

confusedkimmy said:


> Hi,
> I really feel stuck. 12 years married, 2 kids. Tumultuous relship from the start.
> Where we are now: horrible financial issues after loss of our home. He and I both work but underearned and lived beyond our means and have been trying to clean up the mess since 2009.
> He is a poor communicator, shuts down and has been emotionally unavailable for years.
> ...


…for a man or myself anyway…being able to support my family financially means to me anyway that I’m successful in life…

Living beyond your means to keep up with the Jones’ across the street seems to be the thing to do these days…most everyone carries way too much debt and that will eventually catch up with you and when that happens the feeling of failure creeps up on a person…especially after losing a house…

Other than sex and infidelity as issues…finances is another issue that causes divorces…

Your husband probably feels like a failure, less of a man, but it’s not all his fault…both you and your husband played a part in this mess…but it’s fixable…it’s just going to take an attitude change and a new outlook on life…a new direction and a few lofty goals to get back on track…

Look up Dave Ramsey…His Financial Peace University can get you guys back on track financially…

But OTOH…you specifically state that your relation has been “tumultuous” from the start…and that’s not a good sign…

The state of your relationship shows up in areas like finances, sex…ect…I know couples who’ve lost their homes and the experience brought them closer together, not apart…

So there’s certainly unresolved issues plaguing your marriage 

For you, there’s a firm boundary that needs to be established…you deserve and should desire and expect a healthy, romantic relationship…sure life happens, but a healthy relationship can survive the curve balls life will throw at you…

Individual and couples counseling is a must…find a place that has both men and women therapist…your husband needs a therapist he can relate too as a man…and the same for you as a woman…IF your husband is unwilling…you go yourself…get yourself healthy…and in a place where you can make healthy decisions…

Give it some time, see if he comes around to reason, don't push him, let your actions speak for yourself...in the mean time start developing an exit plan (doesn’t mean you’re leaving, but you need a strategy in place just in case)…if you’re still stuck in say 6 months and no progress has been made and he’s not on the counseling bandwagon…you’ll have a decision to make…stay and put up with the relationship, but with boundaries or execute your plan and separate…

You can’t force your husband into anything, so don’t try…he has to come to his own conclusions himself, to force him means resentment later… 

So again, get yourself into counseling yourself…you need to be in a place where you can make good decisions going forward…


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. I do work out of the house, so eventually would be ok.
He would say that I push him too hard around the $ issue. We need $ desperately and he is working all the time. We sleep in separate rooms. When we have sex, it is good, but I feel we are really roommates. 
He said he has wanted out for years but has felt stuck. I feel sad, but a separation might be the best thing at this time. We were in counseling in 2002 and we still have the exact same issues.
The verbal abuse for me is not ok. His anger too. I feel sick to my stomach about this because an end is a real possibility.


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## confusedkimmy (Jan 3, 2012)

Not sure if I mentioned that he refuses to go to counseling again. I am going on my own.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Go to counseling on your own. Someone in this thread said that repair can start with one person in the relationship and that may be true. If you are able to find peace, it may change your perspective. Trying is better than giving up.

A few years ago, my wife threatened me with divorce if I didn't agree to go to counseling with her. I went. I didn't mail it in, I gave counseling my best effort. I joined this forum today because I am at the point of needing sanity and need to hear the stories of others who are considering separation. But here is what I will tell you -- I will not go back to counseling with her again. The first time showed me she's not interested in our marriage changing, she is interested in me changing. That has proven true since then. I will go to counseling on my own but I won't go with her.


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