# Deceived by spouse ... twice



## harryx (Oct 27, 2011)

Hi everyone. I just joined this great forum. I would like to share my story and please, please, i need your honest opinion on what I should do. This can get pretty long, I hope I won't bore anyone too much. And English is not my first language, so I want to apologize first for any mistakes in my grammar or such. Ok here goes.

My wife and I, we got married in November 2010. Since the marriage, we've been living in our own countries till now (we're actually not that far geographically, but still different countries). Before marriage, we agreed that March 2011 would be the date she would move to my country for good. That got extended to June, then later to October, and recently she agreed to move to my country in middle of November. She just tendered her resignation at her workplace, so I'm hoping that this time, it's for real. But really, at this point, I won't be too surprised if she wants to postpone it again.

Moving to other country is tough, so, I thought I was being lenient by agreeing with all the delays she keeps asking all this while. In the beginning of the marriage, she wanted me to find a job in her country, despite the fact that we've agreed before marriage that she's going to move to my country. Sometime in April, I kinda forced the issue on her, I said that we have agreed to live in my country, and that's how it's going to be. But I agree to all the delays. I am not sure if I am being too kind or too inconsiderate about this relocation thing.

Anyways, that is not the crust of the story. You see, most of the time, we would see each other like once a month. Usually I'm the one who has to go see her in her country. And sometimes she would come over.

In May, she came to my country. We were having coffee at a restaurant. Somehow, the conversation got around to her colleagues, when suddenly, she said that she "almost gave her heart to someone" in February. and she only told about it to me in May. Naturally, this evolved into me questioning her about many things. She avoided by not answering directly. I was sickened with many bad thoughts. One thing I wanted her to confess was how far did things go with this colleague of hers. She eventually confessed that sometimes in the office, he would come over to her cubicle and hugged her from behind, in front of everyone in the office. And mind you, she's married. She told me that she felt a lot of chemistry with this guy.

So I was angry. I felt I was cheated (ok maybe a hug is really nothing, but still - from behind in front of everyone else). Oh, this guy was (and still is) single by the way. That night, she cried and said she was sorry and that she'd never do anything like that again ever.

My wife has a tendency to flirt a lot. I knew that since we first know each other 2.5 years before the marriage. That is ok with me, before I knew about this whole affair, I thought I could trust her. Obviously, that trust is misplaced. She asked for my forgiveness that night. I asked her to promise not to do any of this stuff again. Then, I asked her if she ever want to meet a guy one on one (even for casual meet-up), she would call me first and ask me how I feel about it. She agreed. That same night, I forgave her mistakes.

But, I never forget. It has been haunting me on and off. Many patterns that I didn't notice before (details of our past conversations, for instance) started to make sense, like pieces of a giant puzzle, if you may.

In July, I met her, and we got into another fight about this. I wanted to know more details about how the affair and attraction and chemistry came about and all. She told me that the reason why it happened was because I neglected her. I'm not sure if that is correct (and to be fair, I may be biased about myself, so I may not have realized that I was neglecting her) - but you have to remember, this affair happened just about 3 months into the marriage (in February).

Then, the most shocking part came. She eventually, after so many questions and probing, admitted that she actually kissed the guy, back in February. I asked more, she told me that it happened in his room (he is a manager who has his own room) during lunch when almost everybody else was outside the office. She came to his room, they flirted a little, and they kissed. She swore to me that it was a split-second kiss, but then later admitting that they tongued-kiss. So, it couldn't happen in split-second, right?

At this point, I don't know if I should trust her. She didn't tell me the whole truth in May, when I asked her how far did things go. It is only in July, that I found out about the kiss. This time, she didn't seem sorry at all, in fact, she was angry at me for bringing this whole issue up, she said why do I need to dwell on something that has been discussed long ago. I didn't want to argue further. This time, I caved in, and I said I would not bring the issue up anymore.

Over the next few months, on and off, this affair haunts me till today. Sometimes, it drove me crazy, I couldn't really focus on my work. If she had not been truthful about the kiss-thing since the beginning, what else happened? She obviously would not admit to anything more, and I have no idea how to find out what really happened. But, I wanted to work things out, even though after May, she seemed entirely neutral about the whole issue.

The question that bogged me down to this day is this - "what kind of women who cheats on her husband three months into the marriage?". Or is tongue-kissing not considered cheating?

1 week ago, we had another fight, over the phone, this time about a different thing. Her ex-bf, whom she had relationship with 3 times in the past, since high school (her first love by the way), was stalking her. He wanted her to be his girlfriend just before she leaves for my country. This guy is married, and have a kid by the way. They lost touch in recent years and only recently reconnected through her high school reunion effort. Naturally, I was worried about this whole stalking thing, and asked her to do many things, which her family and friends also took care of.

I thought she met him at the reunion with other high school friends 3 weeks ago. The thing is, she is never directly truthful, she hides behind obscure facts. Like this ex. When I asked her when and where she met him, she said to me "remember the reunion? it was 2 weeks ago". So I thought, oh yeah, they met at the reunion.

When I prod further, she actually met him one on one the night before the reunion, and they had dinner together. This guy couldn't not make it to the reunion after all. So he asked her if they can meet up somewhere. My wife asked one of her friends to accompany her, but on the way, her friend called her and said she couldn't make it. She said to me, since the ex is already on his way to the dinner place, so she thought she might as well go.

In May, she promised me that if she ever wanted to meet a guy one on one, she'd call me first. She didnt do this. One of her excuses was that she asked her friend to come along. The fact that she couldn't make it is something beyond her control. I told her she could have called me first, asked me anyway. The she said she had to meet this guy. I asked her why she wasnt truthful about the fact that they had dinner one on one, and didnt actually met at the reunion. She said that she felt she didnt need to mention it since the one on one dinner is "related" to the reunion. I threw my head in disbelief at this remark, how can it be related?

I asked her why did she need to see this guy, what is so important. I told her seeing an ex is not a good idea at all. Then at this point, she brought out a story about how this guy has been mistreating her in the past in all of their previous relationships. He treated her badly, broke up, few years later, became a couple again, and so forth. She told me she hated him so much, and that he is the reason she cannot believe in everlasting love. So, she told me that the reason why she met him, is she wanted to make sure that she is no longer thinking about this guy from now on (I guess she wanted to make sure that there is no more feelings there). But, she also told me that she still care for him, like a friend. How can she hate and care for someone at the same time?

She asked for my forgiveness, and told me I can do whatever I want to punish her. She said she loves me, and she knows she did something wrong, but she had to do it. She told me I cant call it cheating, since she swore to me there was no touching, no flirting, no kissing involved at all, it was just dinner and talk. I dont know if I want to buy that.

Maybe it was an innocent dinner, but if so, why did she said she needed to know if she still has any feelings for this guy. To me, that sounds like there are unresolved issues. I told her that, and I told her that the moment you're married, all unresolved issues should be buried. I told her our lives is about our marriage. I told her that I too, have unresolved issues with past relationships, but I dont go around trying to find out if I still have feelings for my exes.

Recently, we started talking about after a few days of silence. But deep down, my heart is just tired of all this, you know. The first affair was really hard on me, with all the kissing and all, but I still wanted to work things out. Then, this one on one dinner with an ex happened, and she wasnt being entirely truthful to me about the whole situation, I had to dig the answers out through specific questions ... it's all tiring.

I don't know what else will happen, or what else has happened that she didn't tell me about. Twice I have been tricked, and I keep thinking about that fool's proverb - "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me".

Sometimes, I find myself considering divorce. I thought it is better that I cut my losses now and move on, cause I don't know if I can trust her again. Everytime I don't hear from her, I wonder if she's doing something nasty behind my back.

In July, if you ask me do I still want to work things out, I would say yes. Despite all the problem, I would say yes. But now, right now ... I don't know. I really don't know what to do.

I am right in the middle of a crossroad, and neither road seem that appealing.

Please help me


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your main problem is that you and your wIfe are separated.

She's seeking attention from other men because she isn't getting it from you.

There are other serious Problems too such as her inability to keep boundaries In place. 

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart lose interest


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*You've only been married a year and in 3 months into the marriage she is kissing another man? That is a* *HUGE RED FLAG*. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of your marriage where the two of you can't get enough of each other.

I hate to say this but her behavior screams out that she's having a full blown affairs with 2 OM. Her delays in moving to your country to be with you when it was mutually agreed upon is because she wanted to continue having her affair(s).

My advice is to file for divorce NOW.



harryx said:


> Sometimes, I find myself considering divorce. I thought it is better that I cut my losses now and move on, cause I don't know if I can trust her again. Everytime I don't hear from her, I wonder if she's doing something nasty behind my back.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

*Without trust there is no marriage.*


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

harryx said:


> The question that bogged me down to this day is this - "what kind of women who cheats on her husband three months into the marriage?". Or is tongue-kissing not considered cheating?
> (


First it was a hug from behind, then a quick kiss, then tongue-kissing. You're only getting part of the truth since she only offers little bits of the truth as you continue to ask. Maybe (probably is my opinion) they did more than what she's admitted to already.

I think you're asking the right question though: What kind of woman cheats on her husband 3 months into marriage? That is a lot of lying and cheating this early and would take a huge effort to get past and fix, if it is even "fixable".


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Your main problem is that you and your wIfe are separated.
> 
> She's seeking attention from other men because she isn't getting it from you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yup. She should not be meeting one on one with other men. That is unfaithful. yes the logistics of your situation have set the environment for this. Also you are getting trickle truth. You really do not know how far things went.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you couldn't be together WHY did you get married

All your problems stem from being apart---she wants physical contact, and is allowing other men to give it to her---and I am willing to bet she was physical with both of the guys she told you about---problem is you will never know

You need to either start living together NOW, or Dissolve your mge

You are in misery, she is fooling around due to being lonely, and weak in character, and this whole thing is doomed as it is


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

At this point, I would probably go with divorce or if it's not too late an annulment. You're already leaning in this direction and she's so deep in denial, fog, and trickle truth (and another country for that matter) it would be a huge effort to save the relationship.

I agree with posters that she is most likely having at least 1 if not 2 full blown affairs. Her evasive technique in answsering questions is typical of waywards. Giving the bare minimum of details and only giving information when directly questioned is disconcerting.

Unless she's willing to quit, move there immediately, have no contact with either of these men, be fully transparent with all her emails, texts, and calls and TELL YOU THE FULL TRUTH OF ANY AND ALL INDISCRETIONS . . . there can be no R. If she gets mad, blameshifts, and/or gets defensive then she's most likely not willing do to any of the heavy lifting required to R.

From what you've described, she sounds like a young immature woman who wasn't ready to get married. She's acting single in the way she's still "trying on" other men and possible relationships.

So sorry you're having to go through this and don't feel guilty if you'd rather divorce than try to R. It's hard to do even after 15 years of marriage and two children. Good luck.


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