# The End



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I am requesting that some brave ladies be willing to share the details surrounding the death of their marriage.

I am particularly interested in, and respectfully request the insight of women who chose infidelity as a course.

In the end it doesn't really matter to me which side of the infidelity you were on, and you certainly won't find any judgmental comments about whatever choice you made - coming from me.

I know this is complex and emotional stuff, but truth and honesty shines. Even if it is truth and honesty about something that isn't shiny.

I am interested in how you came to make the choice.

What was his role? What was he doing or not doing?

What was your role? How do you see yourself as contributing to the deterioration?

Did either you or your partner presume that your marriage was healthy and were blind-sided? In retrospect do you see the issues, as being insurmountable?

Did you still find your spouse/partner attractive? Why or why not?

If you had to summarize what went wrong, what would you say?

Feel free to address any, all, or make up your own responses. 

Much appreciated in advance. Feel free to PM me if you prefer.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I divorced my first husband because he cheated on me over and over again. He started before we got married, and continued as if nothing had changed. When my then 2 yr old son found a used condom in the back of our car and picked it up, that was the final straw for me. I kicked him out, even though I was about 6 months pregnant. 

I was not still attracted to him, I had actually lost all physical and sexual interest in him within about 6 months of the marriage, around the time I first found out about his first two affairs. Looking at him today, almost 7 yrs after the divorce, I don't know what I ever saw in him. 

I think he knew we had problems, I don't see how he couldn't know. But I don't think he thought I'd ever actually divorce him. I think he thought that I would keep trying, and begging him to try, and pretending things were ok. 

I can't really sit here and tell you specific ways that I contributed to our marriage ending, although I'm sure there are things that I did or didn't do that led to it, but I think for the most part, his cheating was the biggest factor in that. 

I do see the problems as insurmountable. I asked him, I begged him, I got him to go to counseling, trying to get him to stop cheating. He wouldn't do it. I can't live my life with someone who can't zip it up when he's away from me for 5 minutes...and I won't live my life getting tested every 6 months for STDs like I did when I was single, but while I'm married. 

I moved on with my life, and I found a man who respects and loves me, and who wants to only be with me. That's worth all the rest.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

atruckersgirl said:


> I divorced my first husband because he cheated on me over and over again. He started before we got married, and continued as if nothing had changed. When my then 2 yr old son found a used condom in the back of our car and picked it up, that was the final straw for me. I kicked him out, even though I was about 6 months pregnant.
> 
> I was not still attracted to him, I had actually lost all physical and sexual interest in him within about 6 months of the marriage, around the time I first found out about his first two affairs. Looking at him today, almost 7 yrs after the divorce, I don't know what I ever saw in him.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing atruckersgirl. So your ex had multiple affairs over the course of your what, 3 or 4 year marriage?


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

We had been married 2.5 yrs when I made him leave, 3 yrs 1 month 21 days when the divorce was final. He had one affair before we got married, and at least 3 during the marriage. Those are the ones I know about, but I'm fairly certain there were more.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Listens to sounds of crickets ... watches tumbleweeds roll by*

Different approach:

I don't care what state your marriage is in. Doesn't matter if you are working on resolving or dissolving.

Describe a love. Describe THE love. The one that stands out in your head when I ask that question. Could be your husband. Could be a high school boyfriend, doesn't matter.

When did you have fireworks? What stands out in terms of the circumstances that created those fireworks?

Who wants cookies?


----------



## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Let me start by saying I'm still married but seriously contemplating whether or not my marriage is worth holding on to. We've been married for 8 years, together for 10 and have 2 kids, ages 5 & 2. We both work full time for a living. 

Something deep in the pit of me questioned if i was making the right decision the day I married him. Something wasn't completely right and though we had what to most would probably be a dream wedding, something was just "missing" on our wedding day.

Though we both have parents who've been married for 40 years, I feel like we have the expectations of that but somehow we have the collective "crap" from both our parents' marriages in ours. Both, instead of one spouse, are workaholics. One spouse is not more dominant, but it's a constant competition (unintended) for the proverbial pants in the family. 

When we found out I was pregnant, I wanted the life of staying home and raising my kids myself- I was a latch-key kid and just didn't want it for my family. Unfortunately, to do that we moved cities and i don't think he ever understood how hard it was to give up my job, friends and life to go someplace where I really didn't want to be.

During this time, he started to hate his job and took his frustrations out on me and criticized my every move- my cooking (mind you according to his mother it seems to be the reason he married me), my parenting (strangers would comment how relaxed both me and my child were) and me in general. Fast foward a year and he tells me we're running out of money (we had a good sized reserve from selling our home in our old city to buffer my loss in income). So, I got a nanny and went back to work. I had to work hard but success came easy in my new career. Then he told me I wasn't around enough and a whole new set of criticisms set in, but he loved the money I made.

So the years passed and I threw myself into my work to make up for all of my "short comings" because at least my clients were happy. The criticism extended to happening in front of his family and friends. Nothing I did or said was ever enough and he just got meaner- he would say that his friends and family didn't like me, then that my friends didn't like me. To this day, I would say that my relationships with EVERYONE will never be the same. I trust no one because I don't know who I can trust anymore. I feel more and more alone.

A lot of this came to a head while I was pregnant with my second child- I thought another baby would lighten things up and give me something else (positive) to focus my time/energy on. She's the sweetest little thing but it hasn't made much difference. Just like Breeze, I'd say #1, 2 & 4 also apply to my marriage. Except that while I was pregnant a good friend and former co-worker made me start seeing that all the things I thought maybe everyone else experienced in a marriage were not the norm. This "friend" it turned out had ulterior motives. 

Long story short is he's a good looking guy who seemed to care about what I was going through and wanted me, pregnant and all. While I didn't have sex with him while I was pregnant, i have engaged in a multi-year long-distance affair, to fill the void in my marriage. I also didn't want to be like many women I seem to hear about in their 60s who realize they have no marriage, hate their husband and would be starting life over in the golden years. At the very least, I wanted some kind of physical contact and chemistry with another person to make up for the lack of it in my own marriage. To this day I am still in contact with the other guy, but he's no longer the confidant he was and I definitely don't see him the way I used to. Again, my mistrust in all relationships of any type. 

Today, financially, we are very fortunate, but my marriage still lacks so many of the things I think are fundamental and I think about leaving almost daily. On paper my life is grand- handsome husband although he never turns me on because of what an ugly person inside I think he is, beautiful home, gorgeous kids, great income and I am still complimented regularly for my own looks. Reality is something else. 

I'm overworked and overwhelmed with my own career success and my husband doesn't helps with anything really- kids, house stuff and he's just really selfish. He has no idea where our daughter goes to school, our son's teacher's name, who their doctor is, etc. I'm always tired. Sleep and my dreams now haunt me- nothing in particular but sleep eludes me making things worse because I'm more short. I just can't take it anymore but don't know what to do. Simple things like getting a manicure/pedicure instead of feeling relaxed just make me feel guilty for not doing something more productive. A day at the spa with a friend is held over my head as though I'm there every week, instead of being 1-2s/yr.

I just want to be happy, which I'm not and I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy about anything. I have zero lust for life and waking up every day feels like groundhog day (cruel irony because that's my birthday). I'd give up just about all of it to be happy and though the writing has been on the wall for years, the optimist in my can't help but wonder whether there is a way to salvage it. Since nothing ever gets resolved (husband refuses to ever discuss that we have any problems, despite 3 years of on/off counseling) I just don't know what else I can do. That's my story- sorry for the novel.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Deejo said:


> *Listens to sounds of crickets ... watches tumbleweeds roll by*
> 
> Different approach:
> 
> ...


For me, THE love would be my boyfriend now. We had fireworks from day one. We met on an online dating site, and from our very first e-mail exchange, there was an instant connection. When we met in person the first time, that emotional and mental connection immediately translated to a physical attraction. By our second date, we had decided to date exclusively and although we hadn't yet said it, we both knew we were falling in love. 

We've had our problems, I can't deny that. Most of them are the result of me having massive trust issues due to my ex-husband. I get insecure, and when I get insecure, I get clingy and expect too much. I also, I believe, have some form of anxiety disorder, which either makes my insecurity/clinginess worse, or vice versa. I also, due to those same trust issues, have a tendency to do a kind of push/pull thing emotionally: I'll get close to him, but then get scared and back off, withdraw, hide myself away. Then I do it all over again. Those things are most of what has contributed to our issues. We have had an issue with him having a lower sex drive than me, and as part of that, he wouldn't show me as much affection, which would either irritate me or lead to the issues mentioned above. It took time, but we do seem to have finally resolved the majority of these issues. The sex drive issue seems to have mostly resolved itself, and affection is more frequent now. Thanks to a very honest and open discussion in bed one night, I seem to have mostly gotten to a place where my trust issues no longer plague us. I still deal with them now and then, but they are much easier to prove wrong and continue to trust him. 

What makes our love so special (in my life, not more so than others) is that we both try so hard to make it work. In my past, when things got tough, either I or the guy just walked away. One or the other would decide it wasn't worth trying to work out, or couldn't be worked ouut, or that whatever minor issue it was was a relationship dealbreaker, and it would be over. This time, I have grown up enough to realize that not every disagreement, not every difference of opinion or desire to have a little time alone, has to mean the end of a relationship. I still tend to hold back sometimes, but I try harder not to do that. He, on the other hand, has always (with a couple of exceptions) been the one to be left when things got rough. So for him, he's had to overcome that expectation that it's only a matter of time before the so called sh*t hits the fan and I leave. 

I can't really describe anything specific that makes him so much better/different than my previous relationships, or even what drew me to him more so than anyone else. It's just...something there, between us. We have lots of things in common, we wanted the same type of relationship (committed, eventually leading to marriage), we talk a lot, we just...we're just a perfect fit for each other. Even with our problems, we just feel confident that in the end, we will work out anything that needs to be worked out, and still be together and stronger for it.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My sincere thanks to the both of you for sharing this level of personal detail. 

Amazing, isn't it? The impact that other people have on our lives, for better and for worse.

I may have other questions, but at the moment, I wanted to acknowledge the thoughtfulness each of you put into your responses.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

When I met my husband 16 years ago (I was 19), I knew he was the one or at least I hoped. I can sum it up by saying he made me feel safe. The fireworks came with time. Each facet of his character created more fireworks until it was clear that he was the one for me and that we completed each other.

Granted, now we've been married 14 years and have 3 children and we've had up's and down's. We can argue, misunderstand and many times I've doubted whether we should stay together but the doubts are short lived and followed by renewed energy. To this day if I don't see him for an extended time and he comes home I still get chills. It is like it was 16 years ago except we have all this brilliant time, shared memories and these children that we've created together.

We have our scars too and there are times I think about whether the grass is greener but I think we must learn to wear our scars just as proudly and how to create the exact color green we want to see on our own lawn. I want those two rocking chairs to be side by side some day and look over and see his knowing smile and match it exactly with mine.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Great question and no hesitation on how I would answer.

The LOVE...for me the love is:

1. I feel safe when I am around him, I'm protected and no one can harm me.
2. I miss his "smell" when he is gone or not in the room.
3. I feel loved when he has his arms around me.
4. I stil get weak in the knees and shudder at his touch after 25years together.
5. When I look at him, I think - God how I love this man.

This is my second marriage and I know that I never felt like this with my first husband, this is how I know I am in love still.

While we have had our issues like every other couple on this earth, I would marry this man again, even knowing what I know now as I truly love him, warts and all and couldn't imagine my life without him in it.


----------

