# Found out yesterday he cheated



## DonnaGale (Dec 11, 2010)

It seems like I've been through cycles of grief over and over again in the past two days. I was married June '09, to who I thought was the love of my life. I'm 24 he's 34, so there's a big age difference, but he was the first man I ever trusted. All of my previous boyfriends (I haven't had a lot just two before him) cheated on me. My father has and currently is cheating on my mother. I guess with all of this I really didn't have complete trust in him, but I did trust him, I trust but verify though. Now I just don't know what to think. I don't have any kids with him, and am grateful for that. But I also don't have any other friends. I don't consider myself a mean person, but I am very shy with people and cant seem to be able to talk to me enough to get them to be friends with me. I met my husband on the internet, which I've always been kindof embarrassed about. Anyway that's background onto what happened.

Yesterday I found out that he had an account on adultmatchdoctor.com and several other adult friend finder websites. The thing that bothered me was it said the profile was created Mar 2009, three months before we got married. I looked at it and he said he was single looking for "one night stands, sex, and someone easy and fun." I confronted him about it and he admitted he went on there when he was drunk and mad at me (we were currently in a long distance relationship at the time) but he once he realized what he was doing he turned it off and didn't answer any responses. But he keeps changing his story. Whenever I get angry with him he says stuff like " I could've had this hot red head but I didn't" Than he calls and apologizes. I just don't know what to do. I don't really want to be near him, so I'm staying at a hotel but I have it for two more days. Everytime I go back home we get into a physical fight. I start it, but when he holds me down it hurts really bad. 

I'm just so sad at this point and alone in a seedy motel room. I'm a ph.d. student and its not like I can afford this for much longer. I just had to let this out. I'm really sad and don't really have anyone to talk to. I feel like my only friend is gone.


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## DCMarriageCounselor (Aug 30, 2007)

Hi DonnaGale, 

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you're trying to find support because self-care is critical for someone in your situation. 

Remember that he is responsibile for how he acts when he feels dissatisfied and you have the power to react in ways that can invite his responsibility. None of this is simple but we can talk more about that. Important thing now is to not beat yourself up. Find some things to appreciate about yourself and make sure to engage with the people you know and activities you do that reflect your greatest values, especially at such moments when he can't or won't mirror those back to you or when you find out about behavior of his that triggers a crash in your feeling respected or cared for. 

When something our partner does hurts us it's typical for us to respond with criticism and anger or be overtaken by sadness or helplessness. Either one of these reactions, while totally understandable and seemingly justified in the moment end up amplifying the extreme behavior of our partner that was hurting us in the first place. Try to focus on the self-care as a first step and it will help ground yourself...and eventually can turn down the heat of his hurtful behavior enough to see what to do more clearly. 

You're not alone...


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## DCMarriageCounselor (Aug 30, 2007)

Reposting...forgot to subscribe to thread.


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## why do I still love him (Dec 3, 2010)

Wow. We have a lot in common Donna. I also met my DS on the internet, and we have been married for 7 years. My story is posted under "I feel so alone" and continued under "So mad I cant even think straight." I was just talking to my friend about the issues I also have had with past two serious relationships prior to my marriage, where I was cheated on. Also, my father cheated on my mother with my stepmother, and then my stepmother with his now mistress. Crazy daddy issues. If you ever want to chat or vent, feel free to PM me.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This relationship doesn't sound healthy to me. The "activity partner" sites indicate he isn't committed to your marriage. There must be someone you can stay with.......


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