# Mixed feelings



## Val1220 (Aug 23, 2016)

I've been married for 3 years. I found out my husband has been unfaithful with multiple women. I am unsure of the extend of cheating, but just thinking of it keeps me up all night. I'm constantly anxious and restless. He says he hasn't done more then the flirting and occasional kiss. He claims that nothing more has happened. I don't have proof that more has happened. I have just seen text messages where he's flirting with girls and taking them out to dinners or parties. The first time this happened, well at least the first time I found out was over a year ago. I had just given birth and I was fully immersed with the baby. The girl he was "talking" to messaged me on social media and pretty much told me how she was dating my husband and proceeded to how she felt bad for me. I quickly defended him like any wife would even if I had my doubt about him. He apologized and I forgave him. I was a new mom and I didn't want to take my focus away from the baby. It's been over a year and I still don't fully trust him again, now a new girl has come in the picture. This woman became my friend and was around my child. My husband was acting weird, he was on his phone constantly, I quickly discovered that my "friend" was talking to him. I was soo hurt but most importantly I felt dumb. I became friends with a woman who was talking to my husband before becoming friends with me and my husband lied to me yet again. When I caught him he quickly denied it said she had mistakenly send him those text messages. That was almost 5 months ago. Now this girl comes to me after me completely ignoring her and is constantly starting issues between me and my husband. I don't know what to do anymore. He says he's changed and I feel like in the pat 2 months he has but what if that's just my mind making it up to see if I can salvage this marriage. I do love him but I'm also extremely hurt and disappointed. I'm not sure I can ever fully trust him.


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## Val1220 (Aug 23, 2016)

I forgot to mention how he wants to do marriage consueling and "trying to fix everything" . I'm just confused I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive or if I'm even capable of forgiving. How do forgive?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Val,

You do not go to marriage counseling until you believe you have the TRUTH. He will sit there and recreate history and the therapist has no option but to believe him.

Get him to write a timeline of all of this, and then tell him you need a polygraph test even if you have no intention of doing it. My guess here is he will fall out of the chair and REFUSE. THAT WILL TELL YOU PRETTY MUCH IF YOU HAVE THE TRUTH.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Val1220 said:


> He says he hasn't done more then the flirting and occasional kiss. He claims that nothing more has happened.


That's your *first *mistake. Believing this load of horse crap.


> The girl he was "talking" to messaged me on social media and pretty much told me how she was dating my husband and proceeded to how she felt bad for me. I quickly defended him like any wife would even if I had my doubt about him.


That was your second mistake - being given the gift of sight and instead of appreciating it, killing the messenger.


> He apologized and I forgave him.


That was your third mistake. Thinking his lame "I'm sorry" actually meant anything.


> It's been over a year and I still don't fully trust him again, now a new girl has come in the picture.


He's a serial cheater, why would you be surprised?


> Now this girl comes to me after me completely ignoring her and is constantly starting issues between me and my husband. I don't know what to do anymore. He says he's changed and I feel like in the pat 2 months he has but what if that's just my mind making it up to see if I can salvage this marriage.


Serial cheaters don't change. The fool didn't choose his OW wisely this time and instead picked someone who wasn't willing to be his dirty little secret and won't keep her mouth shut.

She won't be the *last* one, OP. She's just one in a long line of many to come.


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

One of the cool things about this site is you get outside perspective. Easy to lose sight of the situation when you live it everyday.

Your husband is a tool. You have a baby and he is dating other women. One contacted you because she felt sorry for you. That pretty much says it all. Respect yourself and kick him to the curb.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

Your Husband is still lying and Cheating and he is not sorry,trust me on this one. 
He never told you or confessed you about his Affairs. First Affair - his co-worker told you about it. Now he is Cheating on you and your little baby with a "friend". This time you caught him. 

Ask your Family to help you and support you. Dont waste more years with a serial cheater. You are only married for 3 years and you deserve a better life especially for the little one,sorry.

Stay strong.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Val1220 said:


> I forgot to mention how he wants to do marriage consueling and "trying to fix everything" . I'm just confused I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive or if I'm even capable of forgiving. How do forgive?


Marriage counselling *will not* fix your husband.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He will never change, soon he will be gaslighting you and blaming his affairs on you.

You need to decide if you want to go on with your life and eventually meet someone you will not treat you 2nd rate, or can you live the rest of your life with a man whom you can't trust and you will always have to worry about if he is cheating.

Do not rug sweep his affairs, do this once and as you can see he will do it again. It is an endless cycle with a serial cheater.

Get yourself tested for STD's, just because a person looks clean does not mean they are.

In your shoes I would get out, file for divorce and child support.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Marriage counselling *will not* fix your husband.


Years ago we had a dog....a good dog....a friendly dog.....a well groomed and handsome male dog. 

It only had one issue. 

Note: It was not a problem...to it .....only to us humans. The pooch tried to hump every female dog and human female that it could. That was it's nature. Training would not help. Whacking his nose with a newspaper did not help.

Neutering the dog did the trick. That is how to *FIX* him.

You cannot New-Ter your husband. It is illegal.

But you can No-Sir him. And whack his nose with Divorce Papers!

He will get better when he gets very Old-Ster. Tamed by internal chemistry.

Sorry you are here.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> You cannot New-Ter your husband. It is illegal.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Val,

Your WH is a serial cheater and you have not set any boundaries for him, he is lying and gaslighting you and continuing the same thing.

You have to take action, in fact I think you should divorce him as it is highly unlikely he will change.

However, if you want to work on it:

Do the 180, start to emotionally detach. There is no point in giving him the gift of reconciliation unless boundaries are laid down

See a lawyer as to what your rights are.

ask him to move out asap - he needs to know you mean business and there has to be consequences for what he is doing, He is the lowest of the low to do that to the mother of his new kid

tell family and friends of his activities, he needs to be accountable

I feel it is best you cut your losses now when you are young. 

One caveat, you have not said how old you are. Often young newly married men cannot cope with the introduction of a new born into the marriage and act up, is it likely he is doing this? It is no excuse but you know your WH best. Have you been giving all attention to the baby and none to him? 

Was he cheating before you got pregnant?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Val1220 said:


> The girl he was "talking" to messaged me on social media and pretty much told me how she was dating my husband and proceeded to how she felt bad for me. *I quickly defended him like any wife would even if I had my doubt about him.*


No, any wife would not defend her husband for cheating. Instead, you should have thanked the OW for at least letting you know.

If you believe your husband has not had sex with any of these women; you are incredibly naive - unless he can prove otherwise, you should assume he has.

Your husband is a poor bet to remain faithful. I would recommend divorce; but if you are bound and determined to attempt R, you must give him consequences - and he must accept all of them.

Exposure to friends and family, complete transparency with all devices, no opposite sex friends, accountability for his time, and no-contact letters to all of these women.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Honey, I am so sorry you have found yourself here.

All that you are imaging that could have happened, probably did.
He is a dirty dog. He is so sure you won't leave, that he just keeps doing whatever he wants. What happens when he gives you an STD?

You definitely need to go get tested. I hope you have family near that can help you transition out of this relationship. I'm guessing you are fairly young. You deserve much better. Separate from him, and it will get even clearer. It's time to do the 180. Being away will clear your mind, and not hearing him telling you lies will help you focus on your future.

I know you love him. Even if you separate or divorce you can reconcile. If you need to tell yourself that to get out, then tell yourself that. I believe once you get away you will want to stay away.

I wish you and your baby the best.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry Val. He's not husband material. 

File for divorce, custody and child support, or live a lifetime with heavy anxiety and lack of trust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

badmemory said:


> *If you believe your husband has not had sex with any of these women; you are incredibly naive - *unless he can prove otherwise, you should assume he has.



Yep.

In regards to a Serial Cheater when finally caught in the "last" affair... very seldom do the numbers add up. If it was actually 4 affairs only 2 are admitted and ONS are completely omitted from the equation.

Yeah, like putting lipstick on the pig, but that's the reality.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Val1220 said:


> I forgot to mention how he wants to do marriage consueling and "trying to fix everything" . I'm just confused I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive or if I'm even capable of forgiving. How do forgive?


3 years and already multiple affairs? That doesn't happen on accident. He had to be seeking it out. That puts him in a special class of cheater where the likelihood of him cheating again is very high. 

You can't forgive, not until you feel safe. He has cheated multiple times. Is likely minimizing what happened. I don't see any reason for you to feel safe.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Val1220 said:


> I've been married for 3 years. I found out my husband has been unfaithful with multiple women.


Serial cheat in the honeymoon phase of the relationship? File for DIVORCE. Nothing to salvage here.



Val1220 said:


> He says he hasn't done more then the flirting and occasional kiss.


LOL, is he 12? No?!? Then he's been fvcking them. No one sneaks off with girls and just makes out with them unless he's a prepubescent teen.



Val1220 said:


> How do forgive?


You don't even know what your forgiving! He's STILL lying to you. FILE immediately. Save yourself years of pain.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Too much prima facie here!

Your best bet is to go consult with a good piranha family attorney, have them advise you of your legal standing in all of this, and make an informed decision to divorce!

You deserve far, far better out of life!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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