# Mid Life Crisis in Women



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I just had a thought yesterday that my wife may be entering into a mid-life crisis. She is late 30s. She's been talking more and more about "having fun" and just wants to do more and more vacations and is angry at me for being "boring". I am no more boring or more fun that other people in our friend circle with the same income levels and similar kind of life. 

A year ago, I realized that I was driving around in an old Honda which was 17 years old and ragged, so I sold it and bought myself a nice BMW in Jan. Of course I made sure we could afford it. I have only about 25% left to pay off. That was probably my mid-life crisis, but that set my mind thinking to what behaviors my wife might display.

Can you list our some things you yourselves or your wives may have done which could be counted as a MLC thing?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't know if the term mid life crisis is very accurate.

Seeking new experiences or a return to experiences that fell by the way side when raising kids. This can take a destructive form or a constructive form. 

It's also possible your wife has simply come to notice that having raised kids and being an involved parent meant that she deprioritized herself and now wishes to correct that.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I've just always wanted to be playful and sexual and dance and have joy.

If those things ever stopped for me, I am sure I would head into a crisis.

However, not all of those things have to come from my romantic relationship, most of them are up to me to provide to myself.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

AP is right, a lot of this often has to do with kids being a little older, and mom can breathe deeper again, and dream more. 

So, did you book that vacation she had asked you for? or you consider it her MLC so you are going to dismiss it?


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

For me, it was simply a realization that I no longer have, and never will have, any sexual value to anyone. And this has made me feel generally depressed and alienated. If I were so inclined, it might make me get out there and seek validation, to prove that estimation wrong, but I'm figuring that would probably just make me even more depressed and alienated. So instead, for the first time, I catch myself comparing myself to others and wondering what to do.


----------



## rgol (Dec 29, 2010)

Check out this link. It is a .pdf and is amazing. It could have been written about my wife. It is crazy how textbook her MLC is to it. A good read to see if she is one.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...gJ-IAQ&usg=AFQjCNEqHlO2ssXJzrn09vjdqyWEn9HLsg


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

rgol said:


> Check out this link. It is a .pdf and is amazing. It could have been written about my wife. It is crazy how textbook her MLC is to it. A good read to see if she is one.
> 
> https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...gJ-IAQ&usg=AFQjCNEqHlO2ssXJzrn09vjdqyWEn9HLsg


Just read that. Its really good. Kind of wish I had that a number of years ago. The outcome would have been the same, but it would have answered soooo many questions. Very succinct.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

nirvana said:


> I just had a thought yesterday that my wife may be entering into a mid-life crisis. She is late 30s. *She's been talking more and more about "having fun" and just wants to do more and more vacations and is angry at me for being "boring".* I am no more boring or more fun that other people in our friend circle with the same income levels and similar kind of life.
> 
> A year ago, I realized that I was driving around in an old Honda which was 17 years old and ragged, so I sold it and bought myself a nice BMW in Jan. Of course I made sure we could afford it. I have only about 25% left to pay off. That was probably my mid-life crisis, but that set my mind thinking to what behaviors my wife might display.
> 
> Can you list our some things you yourselves or your wives may have done which could be counted as a MLC thing?


Maybe you should spend more time actually listening to your wife and less time trying to label her. You went out and got your car because you thought you were having a MLC yet you make light of what your wife is telling you.

Life does not have to stop or become boring just because you have kids or are getting to your late 30's. There are so many fun things to do, if money is an issue then get creative.

With all your posts here it really sounds like you don't like or respect your wife and only your needs are important.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Congratulations on your 100th birthday.

Oh, you are not over 100? I know a number of women in their 50's who are still very sexually attractive (including my wife). When I'm in my 60's I'll think the same about women in their 60's. and so on.







always_alone said:


> For me, it was simply a realization that I no longer have, and never will have, any sexual value to anyone. And this has made me feel generally depressed and alienated. If I were so inclined, it might make me get out there and seek validation, to prove that estimation wrong, but I'm figuring that would probably just make me even more depressed and alienated. So instead, for the first time, I catch myself comparing myself to others and wondering what to do.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you asked her to define "having fun"


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Holland said:


> Maybe you should spend more time actually listening to your wife and less time trying to label her. You went out and got your car because you thought you were having a MLC yet you make light of what your wife is telling you.


This is bull's eye. You allowed yourself for nice car, but you are dismissing what your wife is telling you. Talk to her, discuss what would fun be for her, for you, and look together at the budget.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

People's needs can differ and they are also not static in the whole life. You can sit with her and talk about what she needs and see if it fits the budget. Some people might enjoy travelling a lot and that need not to be a MLC. Last thing a person needs is his/her spouse making a drama over certain things.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think a midlife crisis is partially a realization of your own limitations, especially of your limited time. For me it was when I realize that I was not going to climb Mt Everest, go to the space station, win a Nobel prize, become a billionaire, hold high political office etc. 

Its the realization that certain dreams will never come true, and watching as the range of possibilities starts to shrink.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> Maybe you should spend more time actually listening to your wife and less time trying to label her. You went out and got your car because you thought you were having a MLC yet you make light of what your wife is telling you.
> 
> Life does not have to stop or become boring just because you have kids or are getting to your late 30's. There are so many fun things to do, if money is an issue then get creative.
> 
> With all your posts here it really sounds like you don't like or respect your wife and only your needs are important.


Looks like a lot of folks have a problem with the car I bought and assuming that I deprived my wife in some way. ha..
What about the 2 cars she has had in the last 12 years (2003 and 2011)? Both new. My only one was in 1998. The new one is a used one.

She complains about "too much work". Hey I complain about that too. And I want more pay also. Who is here to help me? 
Some posts here sound like $hit tests themselves!


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

My wife is full blown into an MLC which started back in early June...the article passed around earlier in the thread describes her to a T. My wife has a major health issue, had a near death experience and lost her career...all at the same time so she was thrown into one as far as I can tell. True to form I am, in her mind, the primary problem - I've heard all of it this Summer: ILYBANILWY, not attracted to me anymore, needs to be 'free' and do for her now yadda yadda yadda....

It's real to me and from what i can tell is becoming a growing problem for women now that they have started to push further into the equality bucket they always wanted - working 60 hrs/week, taking care of a household etc etc etc takes a toll and sometimes you wake up wondering if this is all there is.

I've read quite a bit on how to handle and attempt to support her and the most consistent advice is to do a 180 and give her space which I did and admittedly after sending her to her folks for 4 weeks she did want to come home and has told me she wants to try and repair things but isn't sure if it will work....another common conversation with someone in an MLC.

Talk to others that know her well and whom you can trust, tell them you suspect an MLC but would like their feedback and opinion over time....4 other people who know my wife well and have read a few of the articles I have sent them are in full on agreement she is in the midst of one...got new tattoos, changed her hair color 3 times in 75 days and so on...she also had an emotional affair which was short lived....

Bottom line, if she is in one any logic you give her will push her further away, pull the 180 but when/if she wants to talk be there.....


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Looks like a lot of folks have a problem with the car I bought and assuming that I deprived my wife in some way. ha..
> What about the 2 cars she has had in the last 12 years (2003 and 2011)? Both new. My only one was in 1998. The new one is a used one.
> 
> She complains about "too much work". Hey I complain about that too. And I want more pay also. Who is here to help me?
> Some posts here sound like $hit tests themselves!


I don't think anyone here said that you deprived your wife. They said that you dismissed her needs/wants....sort of like how you dismissed what they said and went straight to accusing them of having a problem with the car you purchased. No one here had an issue with that. They said, okay you bought the car. Your W is telling you she wants go get out and have some fun, take a vacation.....no where did they say you were wrong for getting the car.

Now, because your W wants to go on a vacation with you and go out and have fun with you, she is having a MLC? Hardly. Being stuck in the same routine day in and day out is BORING - and then you wake up and realize that you did absolutely nothing but the bare minimum (go to work and pay bills) with your life. Why not start saving for a nice vacation together? How is that even close to being a MLC?


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Xenote said:


> have you asked her to define "having fun"


Going out on vacations mainly. Or going out on weekends. We do that but she wants more and wants me to plan all the time. There are only so many places you can go in a city you have lived in for 10+ years.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Going out on vacations mainly. Or going out on weekends. We do that but she wants more and wants me to plan all the time. There are only so many places you can go in a city you have lived in for 10+ years.


Go to a different city?


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> Go to a different city?


We went to 2 different states in June and July. We cannot do it every month.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> I don't think anyone here said that you deprived your wife. They said that you dismissed her needs/wants....sort of like how you dismissed what they said and went straight to accusing them of having a problem with the car you purchased. No one here had an issue with that. They said, okay you bought the car. Your W is telling you she wants go get out and have some fun, take a vacation.....no where did they say you were wrong for getting the car.
> 
> Now, because your W wants to go on a vacation with you and go out and have fun with you, she is having a MLC? Hardly. Being stuck in the same routine day in and day out is BORING - and then you wake up and realize that you did absolutely nothing but the bare minimum (go to work and pay bills) with your life. Why not start saving for a nice vacation together? How is that even close to being a MLC?


I don't know. That is why I asked the question.
We do have some fun, it's not that we don't do anything. Life is never perfect, we all live within constraints.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

What is a 180?
I have seen that in many posts.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Do you plan for trips outside the country? Can there be a budget for it? For example, me and my H goes for a few days trip in other countries nearby, once or twice per year. Different country is more different than just different cities, so it can provide more excitement.

In either ways, you need to have a talk with your wife. Figure out other ways within the budget to have excitement. Or perhaps she can find some hobby too.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I have lived in what many people call a fun city, a music capital of sorts, i raised my family for the past 15 years here and you know what i don't know the city, i drive into it for for, i go into it for meals, i even occasionally visit a museum, but i don't really know it...how many of us live with a few miles of our comfort zone, for our entire life. Oh sure we say we want to explore and see the world, fulfill some bucket list but in the end few of us do....your wife is in visiting you to change it up...to move beyond your comfort zone, to like outside that two mile radius of existence ....to act like when you were in your 20's...to be silly, to feel alive and take nothing for granted...touch the sky. there is no going back to yesterday, and tomorrows come to quickly.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

nirvana said:


> We went to 2 different states in June and July. We cannot do it every month.


Okay. Did you show her money in vs money out? 

Does she know total income after bills? 

Does she get to decide when vacations are taken or do you decide all of that? 

Do you have a set amount that you BOTH agreed upon to spend a year for travel expenses? 

Did you talk to her about how you can't afford to take expensive trips all of the time? 

Have you looked into taking trips that aren't so expensive....camping, day trips to a MT (if there is one near you), picnic, boat riding at a lake (you can rent a boat for cheap), Weekend stay at a B & B? Go to a beach, sight see a new city, etc...etc....

There are so many cheap travel ideas...not all trips have to be expensive. Take more day trips. Get out with your W. She isn't having a MLC. She just wants to open up and live a little more. Hell, she's been raising kids for a long time now. It wouldn't kill you to get out and relax too as I am sure you've worked hard as well. 

This is an easy fix if you two would stop competing with each other for power. Sit down and come up with an annual budget for travel. Stick to that amount. And for goodness sake google cheap travel ideas.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I think a midlife crisis is partially a realization of your own limitations, especially of your limited time. For me it was when I realize that I was not going to climb Mt Everest, go to the space station, win a Nobel prize, become a billionaire, hold high political office etc.
> 
> Its the realization that certain dreams will never come true, and watching as the range of possibilities starts to shrink.


It only becomes a crisis if you shut off all the new possibilities that are out there. I don't think I have had a MLC but have certainly had some life changing events such as divorce, moving country, death of a parent and IL's.
As people reach their late 40's many start to re evaluate life, kids are growing up, parents are aging/dying and we enter a new phase of life.

I can no longer roller skate and mountain bike as I used to due to a few accidents doing those sports but instead of it being limiting I am seeking different possibilities. With this age brings much more financial stability which has opened up the possibilities so instead of crazy mountain biking our future plans include going to France to cycle and watch The Tour. Some possibilities end but there are always new ones to take their place so no MLC needed.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

nirvana said:


> Going out on vacations mainly. Or going out on weekends. We do that but she wants more and wants me to plan all the time. *There are only so many places you can go in a city you have lived in for 10+ years.*


This is a bullsh!t excuse, man. I've lived in the same city for 10 years, and I'm still discovering new places to go and new things to see.

You're looking for reasons NOT to do this. Lazy.



nirvana said:


> We went to 2 different states in June and July. We cannot do it every month.


Day trips, dude! She wants quality time with you, doing fun things and making memories. The same old, day in and day out, is not quality time. Familiarity can breed resentment.

She wants you to plan it because she wants to know that you're invested in the relationship. Doing the same routine all the time is just phoning it in and completely lacking in effort. She needs you to put in the same amount of effort that you were when you were courting her and trying to woo her. The job of wooing her doesn't end when you put the ring on her finger; it's a lifelong thing, bro.

So try this: plan some inexpensive day/weekend trips, 1-2 per month, and make this part a habit. At the same time, save/plan to do 1-2 big trips/year, international if possible.

For day trips: Check out the "Weird U.S." book series, and find the book for your state--look up some of the weird stuff in your state, you can build multiple day trips around that stuff. Are there any interesting historical sites in your state, with tours and/or museums? Research seasonal festivals in your state--maybe a small town an hour way has a great apple festival in the fall, or another town has a great arts festival at the beginning of the summer. Does your wife like to go camping? Check out local state parks--or national parks--for camping and hiking. Look into local wineries--even if you aren't big drinkers, wineries often times will host fun music events and festivals and things like that. And look for special events focused on the holidays. Use the internet. The internet is your friend. Try looking into Living Social and or Groupon--it's a great way to find out about things that are going on locally, AND get reduced-cost tickets (I find that Living Social is better for this type of thing.)

And listen to your wife. She may drop hints for things she wants to do, or you might get ideas. For example, if she mentions this really interesting article she read about some new archeological discovery in Jamestown, maybe a trip to Jamestown is in order. And TELL her how you came up with the idea--it shows you were really listening.

Regarding the bigger trips: Have either of you done much international travel? If not, I suggest starting small, and doing Canada or Mexico, or maybe a cruise to the Caribbean. Something romantic! On this, you definitely want to get her input, though, even if you're doing the lion's share of the planning. For this, you can also look into Living Social--they offer some decent international travel packages, which can make such trips more affordable than most people might think.

I would recommend picking up a copy of 1000 Places to See Before You Die (or maybe 2 copies so you and your wife will each have one), and tell your wife that you accept the challenge, and that it's your goal that the two of you see everything in the book together. It will, literally, take the rest of your life to accomplish, but it's a great place to start.

Stop questioning the validity of your wife's stated wants and needs, and whether she "deserves" to want what she wants. That's incredibly condescending and disrespectful of her, and it isn't very loving behavior. Instead, if she says she wants XYZ out of her life, your job as her partner is to ask yourself, "How can I help her to make this happen?" (BTW, that's her job as your partner, too.)

ETA: By trying to classify her needs and wants as a MLC, you are attempting to minimize and invalidate her very genuine and legitimate needs and desires. Do you think if you minimize her wants/needs, to prove to yourself that they're unimportant, that you can just ignore them? That they will go away? If you continue down that path, your wife will also eventually go away. Women want to be heard and understood. Right now, you're not hearing her, because you don't want to--you're trying to tune her out. Because if you actually LISTEN to her, you think you're hearing criticism because she is asking you to DO MORE. And yes, it IS criticism--but it's also explicit, simple instructions for how you can be a better husband and partner to her. The question is, do you actually WANT to be a better partner to her? If you do, then you better start listening to her and step up your game.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

nirvana said:


> What is a 180?
> I have seen that in many posts.



It doesn't quite apply in your situation, but you might get something from it, here is a link:


The 180 | AFFAIRCARE


----------



## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Has anyone had any experience with waking someone up (or being woken up) from a MLC? From reading the other thread, and the PDF linked in this one, it fits my wife to a T (I mentioned the specifics elsewhere, but.. basically the entire checklist, from 'major illness/surgery', basically straight into the rest of the symptoms). Yet the information given suggests that even bringing up the concept of the MLC with the person going through it is a bad idea.

We're going to be done no matter what, so it's not about a R, but I am concerned that this selfish behavior may have negative impacts on our child when she has him around.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

truster said:


> Has anyone had any experience with waking someone up (or being woken up) from a MLC? From reading the other thread, and the PDF linked in this one, it fits my wife to a T (I mentioned the specifics elsewhere, but.. basically the entire checklist, from 'major illness/surgery', basically straight into the rest of the symptoms). Yet the information given suggests that even bringing up the concept of the MLC with the person going through it is a bad idea.
> 
> We're going to be done no matter what, so it's not about a R, but I am concerned that this selfish behavior may have negative impacts on our child when she has him around.


I have read so much on this very thing, the following article is one that I felt summarized everything I kept reading over and over and over about how to handle an MLC Spouse.

7 Tips to Help You Survive Your Spouse's Midlife Crisis

In summary, you really can't do anything to help directly because you are in most cases the largest target as the reason for their behavior changes. But, to your last comment - number one on this list is to take care of you and your children!

I have had some frank discussions with my wife and have even provided her the list of symptoms etc because I felt the need to explain at least why I was setting some boundaries like - I will not tolerate infidelity period!

Best of luck to you but honestly, strap in because the ride is going to be mostly out of your control....


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I personally will never understand the whole Mid-life crisis thing. I’m in my early fifties and have never experienced anything that would make me discard my values, principals, and goals in life and betray the ones I love. Sometimes I think it’s just an excuse for bad behavior but I do see some common events or experiences that seem to be precursors.

I was relatively happy in our 13 year marriage and I understand that no marriage is perfect. I was constantly being reassured by XWW that she was happy as well and that are marriage was strong. We had a nice home, new cars, 3 great kids, I have a great income working normal hours...no real worries. Our relationship was still strong and we had fun together. We would still chase each other around the house like newlyweds.

In all honesty, our marriage was always slightly one sided, with me being more of the giver. I earned 90% of our combined income while she worked part time at a job that she enjoyed but didn’t pay well. I was ok with that because I knew when I married her that she was a bit of a princess. It was part of her charm. I was willing to sacrifice if needed because my marriage and family was most important to me. That being said, everything else about our marriage was good. We were envied by our friends as an example of a solid marriage. She always seemed thankful for what we had as a couple coming from a divorced family herself.

Up until year 13 our marriage was honestly pretty good. We were both getting what we needed from each other and our marriage to be happy. I actually still have the holiday cards she gave me that year where she is gushing about how lucky and thankful she is for me and our marriage, and how much she loves me. Everything started to go south after her parents died...6 months apart. 

After that…she was never the same. She quickly evolved into a super selfish version of her previous self. She opened up credit cards in my name, without my knowledge and racked up balances buying tons of new clothes, shoes, purses…etc. She became a Facebook addict, constantly posting pictures of herself which drew that attention of lots of guys. She wanted to go out partying with her friends, drinking more and quite often and coming home later and later. She started lying about where she was or at the very least, lying by omission. She stopped doing her share around the house to a point where I was doing laundry, cleaning, shopping, and even some of the cooking as well as working to pay all of the bills. Any attempts to discuss her behavior were met with an irrational attitude and blame shifting. Suddenly, it was all my fault. She was rebelling like a teenager. Then I discovered that she had started cheating with an old school friend. I was willing to ride out whatever she was going through except the cheating and lying. That was something I was unwilling to tolerate. I finally filed for divorce and kicked her out. The scary part about this is how fast she changed...it all happened within one year!

In retrospect, she became the poster child for a female mid-life crisis. It was the perfect storm of elements that came together at the right, or rather, wrong time. I feel the trigger for this change in her was the death of her parents. Other factors included: Her age...approaching 40 years old. We were married for 13 years at that point (years 10 to 15 seem to be common). Our kids were getting older and becoming more self-sufficient. She really became immersed in Facebook and the whole cyber thing. She also had too much spare time on her hands with no real personal goals beyond having children.

I will never know the real whys and I doubt that she ever will either. She never really took the time to dig deep within herself and sort it all out. This change in her was something that no one could or would have predicted especially our close friends and family.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Decimated said:


> I personally will never understand the whole Mid-life crisis thing. I’m in my early fifties and have never experienced anything that would make me discard my values, principals, and goals in life and betray the ones I love. Sometimes I think it’s just an excuse for bad behavior but I do see some common events or experiences that seem to be precursors.
> 
> I was relatively happy in our 13 year marriage and I understand that no marriage is perfect. I was constantly being reassured by XWW that she was happy as well and that are marriage was strong. We had a nice home, new cars, 3 great kids, I have a great income working normal hours...no real worries. Our relationship was still strong and we had fun together. We would still chase each other around the house like newlyweds.
> 
> ...


Decimated, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through all this. 

This is why it bothers me that the OP characterizes his wife's behavior as a mid-life crisis. A mid-life crisis tends to be irrational, and throws everything good out the window--like what your wife did. 

I don't think the OP's wife is looking to throw her marriage and everything else out the window. It sounds to me like the OP's wife wants to improve what she already has. She wants a little adventure, she wants a little spontaneity, she wants to recapture a little of the excitement that they had of being a new couple, in their youth. She wants the OP to invest in their relationship and court her the way he used to, to keep the spark alive. 

I see that as VERY different from what your wife did.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> I don't think the OP's wife is looking to throw her marriage and everything else out the window. It sounds to me like the OP's wife wants to improve what she already has. She wants a little adventure, she wants a little spontaneity, she wants to recapture a little of the excitement that they had of being a new couple, in their youth. She wants the OP to invest in their relationship and court her the way he used to, to keep the spark alive.


FeministInPink, thank you and I absolutely agree. She wants to live more life...with her husband. She is communicating to him very clearly. OP has a great opportunity to respond positively and increase the satisfaction of their marriage and make it better for both of them. This is not a mid-life crisis, this is her communicating her needs. If he fails to respond to her it may become one though. He should step up while he has the chance. 

I wish I had the opportunity that he has now. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have responded if there was something, anything communicated to me. You are correct, A real mid-life crisis is a complete and swift re-evaluation of all of life's priorities followed by a destructive course of action.


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

> [/QUOT I just had a thought yesterday that my wife may be entering into a mid-life crisis. She is late 30s. She's been talking more and more about "having fun" and just wants to do more and more vacations and is angry at me for being "boring". I am no more boring or more fun that other people in our friend circle with the same income levels and similar kind of life.
> 
> Can you list our some things you yourselves or your wives may have done which could be counted as a MLC thing?


If you read my original post, it is clear that I am asking rather than affirming. She's been on this "let's have fun" binge which is mainly focused on the kids but she is not averse to including me in it and she asks me also, but it is mainly places the kids want to go.

I began to wonder if it was a MLC or a mutation of it. I think it is in my view but a very mild one. Maybe she feels she is approaching 40 and wants to have more fun and and luckily she wants to do it in a family non-damaging way. Or maybe this isn't an MLC at all.

I'm sorry to hear your story, Decimated. I have no idea what may have flipped the switch in her head. What is she doing now? Did she get married?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel I had a Mid life Crisis.. all familiar with my posts know some of that story.. even leading me to this forum ...not the normal response here.. but I think it was one of the best things that ever could have happened !

.. On the heels of having our last son, oldest son going off to college, getting an IUD (sexual freedom!), making a movie Maker video of myself & husband .....playing that back.. these emotions came over me like a Flood... 

... it was like ".. where did all the time go !".... I am getting [email protected]#$....Half of my life / ours lives is OVER !!..

I suddenly wanted to go back in time something fierce ..... watching the years roll past... baby after baby ...there we were....so many dreams ahead of us... I wanted to reach into the screen and grab that young man & do all the things I suddenly felt we missed -- while we were busy building our lives, working on the house/ cars, saving, trying to have those babies.. then it was all about the BABIES...

We were one of those couples who lived for our kids. ..whatever they wanted.. seeing them happy -this was our life...it was always " family" vacations.. 

Then I suddenly wanted to take Romantic vacations, try every sex position, put a lock on my door saying "mom doesn't live here anymore (I am kidding!)....I lived to spice up the bedroom.... this was my new born obsession.. I had some sort of hormonal surge .. and I was loving it.. but it also caused us some fights when I wanted more out of him.. 

I also felt like I wanted to run away from the kids at times... just me & him.. it wasn't what *I* missed.. it was more what "*WE*" missed.. so we got off alone a lot more.. 

My husband was very willing to entertain all of my excitement.. I also wanted to go to Rock concerts, this one we were in the mosh pit surfing people over our head.. (just got tickets for another concert today) back in the pit... 

I'll be 49 this year... last week... visited Step Mom & dad.. she reamed me out cause we took 5 teens to an Amusement park & I was running around with them all on the roller coasters.. she seen pics on FB of me in line with them.... she was telling me I should be with my husband (he doesn't like roller coasters, he was fine waiting for us)....or go with some ladies my own age..

I did rather defend myself on this one -telling her another mom was going to go with us.. but she got sun poisoning & didn't make it.. It's like she expected me to just forgo the FUN.. it was odd.... 

I bought a couple books on Mid Life crisis back then.... read a bit.. it's a "get your bucket list in order" type time in our lives.. you realize you just aren't that spring chicken anymore (as my Grandmother use to say) .. but you're still feeling pretty darn good to go after another dream or 2... some may get carried away.. having unrealistic expectations..this can cause a great deal of frustration.. when it hits we'll never realize our dreams ...

It's like something "UN"Lived.. we feel this urge to bring this into our lives and experience it.. I feel I got a lot of this out of my system.. some of the things me & Husband did was just a little on the WILD side (for us ) anyway.. I know when we're in our Rocking chairs someday...we'll be laughing about it all.. and probably shouldn't be telling the grand children either.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Thanks for sharing your story SimplyAmorous! From what I've read and discussed with my counselor you experienced one but a mild one it would seem and borderline simple transition period. It would be wonderful to see that in my wife and some of the other stories I've read in this thread. Sadly, ours seem to be more extreme - instead of spicing up our bedroom she wants it with someone else (or did...might have backed off that one) - she sees everything I do or say or whatever as some form of control manipulation on my part. 

I am nine years older than my wife so it's odd to me to see her go through this yet I haven't. Through a ton of reading and self-reflection it dawns on me that some people realize life is half over but the best is yet to come and some realize life is half over and they've missed out on a lot. No reasonable explanation exists for this difference in people but similar to some people are optimists and some are not.

My wife, and I don't mean this as a slam, has always been a little weak emotionally in my view - no so much that it was unattractive or annoying but I think I made excuses for her in my head that it was because she was a woman (sorry for the chauvinism ladies)....I've come to realize it's an individual trait and not exclusive to women of course (duh). She is just weak, her brother exhibits the same behaviors just less extreme. Her parents are awesome so I really can't figure out what happened to make both of them this way but I know now when she is depressed, it will be more extreme, when she is scared, it will be more extreme and by default if she swirls in an MLC, it will be (and is) more extreme.....


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

nirvana said:


> I'm sorry to hear your story, Decimated. I have no idea what may have flipped the switch in her head. What is she doing now? Did she get married?


I think part of the problem is that her parents died very young. They were in their late 50's...not much older than me right now. My XWW is 9 years younger then me. I think in her head she figured she was going to die young like them and she was running out of time. 

XWW rents a small condo and has the kids every other week. She still only works part time and lives off of the alimony and child support I send her. This will stop in 2 ½ years. I have no idea what she’s going to do after that. Because of her cheating and lying, I decided that I want no contact with her at all. She screwed away the right to be in my life in any way. After the divorce was final, she was constantly calling, texting, and showing up at my house. I finally grew a pair and told her to stop and leave me alone which she eventually did, but it took about two years. I will not see her, accept her phone calls, and only respond to her texts if they are about the kids. 

My kids tell me that she still goes out with friends a lot even when they are at her place. Her affair fell apart right before our divorce was final. OM’s wife divorced him as well. He found someone new right away or was stringing both of them along the whole time. XWW joined 3 different dating sights within a couple weeks of moving out. This was sad because she still didn’t have bedrooms set up for the kids but she had time to online date? I refused to let them stay the night with her until she had rooms and beds set up. It took her nearly 3 months to do that so they were with me full time. That shows you where her priorities were. I Don’t know anything else about her personal life, and I don’t really care. She showed up at my house a couple weeks ago to drop something off for the kids. She’s definitely gain some weight and has aged. Unfortunately, she still looks good.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

McDean said:


> Thanks for sharing your story SimplyAmorous! From what I've read and discussed with my counselor you experienced one but a mild one it would seem and borderline simple transition period. It would be wonderful to see that in my wife and some of the other stories I've read in this thread. Sadly, ours seem to be more extreme - instead of spicing up our bedroom she wants it with someone else (or did...might have backed off that one) - she sees everything I do or say or whatever as some form of control manipulation on my part.


 How would you describe your marriage over the past 10- 20 yrs ? Do you think it all came to a head...does she hold any resentment towards you for anything that you & she never sorted out (# of kids, lost opportunities, where you live , anything), for instance.. 

I have never felt any resentment towards my husband ... we were always very close... even if we weren't in tuned enough -to get off alone more while raising our kids ...it's almost like we didn't notice.. if we had a tiff with each other.. we always fought it out quickly.. all was forgiven.. I never 2nd guessed marrying him.. we always felt we had each other's backs.. Though I learned - by digging...He did have some resentment growing towards ME - sexually speaking.. he felt I wasn't as interested.. boy did that ever turn on it's head! In it's own way..I deserved it ! 



> I am nine years older than my wife so it's odd to me to see her go through this yet I haven't. Through a ton of reading and self-reflection it dawns on me that some people realize life is half over but the best is yet to come and some realize life is half over and they've missed out on a lot. No reasonable explanation exists for this difference in people but similar to some people are optimists and some are not.


I am one who worships youth, one could say. I have always hated the idea of getting old, grey. .if I can't do for myself. I'd rather be dead.. I look at life like climbing a mountain.. the anticipation to reach the top.. that was us all these years..now we are at the Crest.. it's been some of our greatest years.. like we are standing at the top.. wind blowing in our hair.. seeing where we came from... how it all worked for good... 

But everything from here... is downward.. it's more about our kids taking flight.. we had our time in the Sun.. I mean sure there is more to look forward to.. their weddings, grandchildren.. bus trips.. broken bones and bowel problems.. 

Maybe it could be a personality thing.... my Husband is very laid back.. I asked him if he felt he ever had a mid Life crisis.. as mine was rather Earth moving (thankfully in a good way - he was a huge part of that -helping me through it).....had he rejected me sexually, made me feel like I was crazy, telling me he's too old for this or that... I think I'd have a very different story here. I really don't think I could have handled it (just being honest).. I needed what I needed. 

But he said he felt he had a small Mid life Crisis yrs before mine where he felt the Kids were growing up so fast.. there was a sadness.. completely blew over my head if he was feeling this.. as I can't say he verbalized much of it.. enough to think he was "DOWN" about it.. then it passed..



> My wife, and I don't mean this as a slam, has always been a little weak emotionally in my view - no so much that it was unattractive or annoying but I think I made excuses for her in my head that it was because she was a woman (sorry for the chauvinism ladies)....I've come to realize it's an individual trait and not exclusive to women of course (duh). She is just weak, her brother exhibits the same behaviors just less extreme. Her parents are awesome so I really can't figure out what happened to make both of them this way but I know now when she is depressed, it will be more extreme, when she is scared, it will be more extreme and by default if she swirls in an MLC, it will be (and is) more extreme.....


Mid life really messes with our hormones.. in more ways than one....with my heightened emotional cravings to feel Young again.. live the Romance...

I would notice days before my monthly... I felt like a rain cloud was hovering over me..







...anything I was feeling was magnified...

I did a thread on this.. some of this could be HER AGE too.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...ly-sensitive-mood-swings-how-do-you-deal.html

It can be a tumultuous time for some women....I have 2 girlfriends who had to be put on something to calm them.. I didn't need this personally...but I think I bordered at times - if I was upset over something.. it's like my brain was stuck on a hamster wheel... then when these days passed.. it was like "WOW.. what was wrong with me.. I feel good NOW!"...

It's a crazy time for women but it seems our symptoms can range a wide degree from women to woman... Add this to her getting ideas she wants something else.. things can spiral out of control .... Let's just hope she is logical enough to keep her feet on the ground...enough to get through these years...without doing something she will greatly regret. 










Then to confuse things further...


----------



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Nirvana, 

I believe your issues with your marriage are caused by your consistent habit of defending problems instead of solving them. 

It has been suggested to you to listen your wife and ask questions to get to the bottom of it. Your ineffective reaction is people have an issue with your car and your wife got new cars more than you. 

It appears you are not an active nor interested listener Your reactions are ineffective at moving things forward. 

Your reactions are doubling down on the status quo. You seem to come here for validation of a failing approach instead of listening to your wife and others and peeling back the layers to get to the problem and solution.

I also cant help but think you do not like nor love your wife since you don't listen to her and consider her trying to reach you. Instead you launch the defense and invalidation mechanism. That wont work. 

If she is that much of a pain to you and you are uninterested in listening to her cries for progress, then leave her. 

If she is worth fighting for then stop ignoring her please, listen, adjust and resolve something so its not such a hassle for her to improve your marriage together. 

I expect my thoughts will irritate you and your first reaction will be to explain how I am all wrong because that is what you do to your wife and most of the posters on TAM. 

That isn't going to help you under any circumstances if you think it's never you that is the problem. 

No spouse is perfect but improving a marriage always starts with the person in the mirror. 

Coming here to complain and seek validation isn't progress. Listen up and fix something.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Awesome post Simply! Lots of tasty food for thought.... Last night ironically after a lengthy dry spell my wife jumped me, it was that kind of marathon sex that ends up pleasantly surprising you both. 

Then this morning she is distant, worried I will read into too much, that she would not want to do that with anyone else but me but wants to think of it as a one night stand of sorts???

This to me swirls in all the info just provided plus what I have read on MLC and what Nirvana's questions center on. The imbalance and almost adolescent reaction to things like what happened last night. I didn't for one second believed we would go back to normal but I didn't need an explanation either which cheapened the experience. 

I think for some of attempting to do our best to support our MLC spouses it is the constant back and forth and up and down that just wears us out. I live every day knowing today could be our last together and at the same time listen to her talk about various 'futures' with me. 

Like your husband I am somewhat mellow, but I have a limit on my patience when it comes to someone playing with my heart - intentional or not....

It is a tough, unfortunate scenario but glad to read how it worked out for at least one couple!!!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Decimated said:


> FeministInPink, thank you and I absolutely agree. *She wants to live more life...with her husband. She is communicating to him very clearly. OP has a great opportunity to respond positively and increase the satisfaction of their marriage and make it better for both of them. This is not a mid-life crisis, this is her communicating her needs. If he fails to respond to her it may become one though. He should step up while he has the chance.*
> 
> I wish I had the opportunity that he has now. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have responded if there was something, anything communicated to me. You are correct, *A real mid-life crisis is a complete and swift re-evaluation of all of life's priorities followed by a destructive course of action.*


According to this.. I never had a Mid Life crisis.. I communicated very clearly what I needed.. wanted, how I was feeling.. why.. the remorse for missing it.. the drive to make up for it..... he listened, and supported every step of the way.. 

*FeministInPink's* post to the OP... Excellent !!.. She is communicating.. Engage her.. don't blow her off during her time of craving need. where she longs for your enthusiasm....these feelings are strong...we can't just put them in a box... she is seeking it all *WITH YOU*, her husband..... not someone else.. 

That's how I was.. and I can't tell you how much, how deep, how wide I appreciated my husband's attitude in these things..I practically worship him.. 

Oh there was a certain area I kept pushing that he couldn't give me.. I had to lay that down realizing it was not a NEED.. but a "want".. resolving this.. accepting it.. This also calmed with my hormones mind you. 

Also if I expected my husband to Plan our outings.. ha ha ha.. I know better.. I am just better at this over him.. so yeah.. I wouldn't even go there...(but that's me- I can see how another wife may deeply want THIS .. so please just take the time & effort. it could mean the world TO HER)..

With my husband.... his enthusiasm , zest for being there with me.. this is what mattered the most .....that I just didn't mind that I am the planner near 100% of the time.. 

Now if he wanted to back out, do things with his buddies, complain he was bored, it would take a hit on my spirit.. our attitudes can have a very positive effect on the one going through what seems like a Mid Life crisis... making or breaking our marriages.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Chelle D said:


> ^ ^ ^ me, me, me.... Me too.
> And to the poster that crap about being 100. Bull.. sht. I'm only 47. And feel this same way.
> Not saying we are justified, or that we have to accept being less sexual. Just saying that I too "felt" like I didn't have much sexual value to my hubs. to myself either.
> 
> ...


Chelle D - do you believe the way you feel and possibly the medications you have tried, been on, etc. would have ever impaired your judgement and lead you astray with regard to your relationships etc?


----------



## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

I am in full mid-life crisis mode. We have four kids and I am mentally tired. I want to get away. I have no desire to cheat as our sex life is fine. I have no desire to leave him as I love him. I do have a desire to do more with my life. In the past, I have just taken off on cultural exchange trips and more recently am planning a marine science expedition to Madagascar for five weeks that I have yet to tell him about. I know he did not sign up for this and I do not want a divorce. I just want to live!!! The kids are older, I am healthy and I feel like time is just ticking away. Does she plan on having fun and staying together? What does "fun" mean to her? Does it include you? If it is cheating then you need to know now. My husband has no desire to do what I want to do. We are working through it but he feels abandoned because I changed. I really haven't - I was going to join the Peace Corps after college but had student loans. I am the same person but have the means and desire to follow my dreams. Maybe that is all she wants.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

joriek said:


> I am in full mid-life crisis mode. We have four kids and I am mentally tired. I want to get away. I have no desire to cheat as our sex life is fine. I have no desire to leave him as I love him. I do have a desire to do more with my life. In the past, I have just taken off on cultural exchange trips and more recently am planning a marine science expedition to Madagascar for five weeks that I have yet to tell him about. I know he did not sign up for this and I do not want a divorce. I just want to live!!! The kids are older, I am healthy and I feel like time is just ticking away. Does she plan on having fun and staying together? What does "fun" mean to her? Does it include you? If it is cheating then you need to know now. My husband has no desire to do what I want to do. We are working through it but he feels abandoned because I changed. I really haven't - I was going to join the Peace Corps after college but had student loans. I am the same person but have the means and desire to follow my dreams. Maybe that is all she wants.


This definitely answers my question from your thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

joriek said:


> I am in full mid-life crisis mode. We have four kids and I am mentally tired. I want to get away. I have no desire to cheat as our sex life is fine. I have no desire to leave him as I love him. I do have a desire to do more with my life. In the past, I have just taken off on cultural exchange trips and more recently am planning a marine science expedition to Madagascar for five weeks that I have yet to tell him about. I know he did not sign up for this and I do not want a divorce. I just want to live!!! The kids are older, I am healthy and I feel like time is just ticking away. Does she plan on having fun and staying together? What does "fun" mean to her? Does it include you? If it is cheating then you need to know now. My husband has no desire to do what I want to do. We are working through it but he feels abandoned because I changed. I really haven't - I was going to join the Peace Corps after college but had student loans. I am the same person but have the means and desire to follow my dreams. Maybe that is all she wants.


Some good points. Question for you, if on this trip to Madagascar if you met a 'like minded' attractive man who does exactly what you do and wants to continue do you think you would still want to remain married to your current husband? Do you think you might be enticed to cheat?

True enough not all MLCs lead to cheating but what you described is a pretty big gap in your chosen lifestyles which often can lead to an affair. 

Probably not in your case but in others I know of and certainly mine, my wife's MLC has the element of wanting to have fun but it has no element of responsibility that often goes with it - like, paying for the trips etc...not to mention our daughter is 4 going on 5, so I feel like you have to know on some level living like you did 10 years ago is not completely possible....this is the real problem with MLC from my vantage point, unless it is really mild, they lose executive function in their decision making....


----------



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I think there are many kinds of MLCs. Not every one is extreme. I think my wife may be having one but her focus is on us having fun, going out every weekend etc etc which may be called a light form of MLC. In Some extreme forms, people go nuts, [email protected] everything that has a pulse, spending money like there is no tomorrow, smoking weed etc etc.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> This definitely answers my question from your thread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had the same thought and then I saw your post.



joriek said:


> I am in full mid-life crisis mode. We have four kids and I am mentally tired. I want to get away. I have no desire to cheat as our sex life is fine. I have no desire to leave him as I love him. I do have a desire to do more with my life. In the past, I have just taken off on cultural exchange trips and more recently am planning a marine science expedition to Madagascar for five weeks that I have yet to tell him about. I know he did not sign up for this and I do not want a divorce. I just want to live!!! The kids are older, I am healthy and I feel like time is just ticking away. Does she plan on having fun and staying together? What does "fun" mean to her? Does it include you? If it is cheating then you need to know now. My husband has no desire to do what I want to do. We are working through it but he feels abandoned because I changed. I really haven't - I was going to join the Peace Corps after college but had student loans. I am the same person but have the means and desire to follow my dreams. Maybe that is all she wants.



joriek, you will have the desire to cheat, it's almost guaranteed.

It may take a few days or weeks but when you have made the adjustment to your vacation lifestyle, then a smile from a handsome man, a kind work, maybe a drink, and a lovely romantic evening and you will hardly be able to think of anything else.

I cant even comment on "Our sex life is fine".

The sex will be amazing, I can almost promise you, the newness of his kisses will seem to be the most inflaming things you will have ever experienced.

You will feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest.

Hard to believe your husband is uncomfortable with your plans and feels left out and abandoned.

Your exactly what someone is looking for right now in the places you want to go.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Holland said:


> Maybe you should spend more time actually listening to your wife and less time trying to label her.


Yeah! 

You fvcking knuckle dragger....what the hell is your problem?


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Chelle D said:


> I hate to admit it, but, Yes. I do.
> 
> Not the medications (But I was never put on antidepressants or antianxiety type meds..... - I refused).
> However, the "feeling old" , the thinking I could never compare to these other beauties that were my age, but so full of life, yes, I would have reacted to someone who would have viewed me as worthwhile.. as someone funny, caring, worth the time to chat to. I do think that my judgement was impaired. Looking back I can see that I could have easily been lead astray. Thank God, I found a friend that listened and helped me thru some self esteem issues. I Thank God I found TAM, and read about selfish thoughts and fantasies really do hurt our spouses. And that I read all about it before I had actually went to the point of looking at a "match" type online/chat service.
> ...


Thank you Chelle D! That is what I am seeing in my wife, she doesn't really want to leave me (it is obvious to everyone including myself when she drinks for some reason) but when not drinking she cycles between wanting me be side her and/or 100miles away. Her self-esteem is shot because the Fibro killed her career basically and she was on her way up the ladder and doing well beforehand.

I am trying to keep relationship discussions to a minimum which from what I have read is what you need to do during a spousal MLC otherwise it pushes them further away. As mentioned I can hang in there for awhile until 1) she actually cheats 2) she decides to D me 3) Her situation negatively impacts our daughter 4) it goes on too long (not sure what that time frame looks like but at some point I'm sure I will want a life again).....

Sadly my wife is on all kinds of meds at the moment including anti-depressants etc. so half of her decisions if not more are questionable. I think my foot hold is that on the rare occasions she drinks (I don't mean to the point of drunk but a few glasses of wine etc) she definitely wants to be with me and be around me so it appears at least in her subconscious mind I am the man for her...


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Chelle D I truly appreciate the insights! I would love to have these discussions with my wife, a few have been had but I think the meds and MLC confusion sometimes make them hard for her to have. She had a 'one-sided' EA at the beginning of the Summer, he was my friend more than hers and put a quick end to it and came to me direct so I am fully confident in that it never got very far. Some conversations of course happened over that and she quickly realized that she had issues that needed to be addressed.

Since that time things have gotten better but from a long term standpoint not nearly good enough. I can totally see her feeling of isolation, disease driven, and can empathize with it but would never pretend to 'know' how it must feel physically and emotionally.

In the end I am holding onto hope but also have my doubts.....she has told me that sometimes she feels her situation is unfair to me, I can tell she has a fair amount of guilt over the lack of sex etc....but I understand it has a lot to do with her condition having visibly seen her writhing in pain.


----------



## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

No. I would not cheat. There are a lot of reasons I wouldn't but the main one is that my husband and I have enough in common that the trip and my job is just one side of us. Plus, I want to be together for our grand kids that we will have someday. He enjoys travel- just not the kind of travel I want to do now. I will be catalogue fish which is really boring for him. I understand that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Thank you Chelle D! I think your last suggestion to not constantly ask 'Are you ok' etc might be one of the things I do right now that irritates her. It's a strange scenario because I too have taken a knock to my confidence during the onset of the Fibro and of course when the MLC hit earlier this Summer, simply because it's so much harder now for me to determine if her unhappy/grouchy mood is disease driven, something I did or something else altogether....

Time will tell the story I suppose....thanks again for the thoughtful responses!


----------



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel I had a Mid life Crisis.. all familiar with my posts know some of that story.. even leading me to this forum ...not the normal response here.. but I think it was one of the best things that ever could have happened !
> 
> .. On the heels of having our last son, oldest son going off to college, getting an IUD (sexual freedom!), making a movie Maker video of myself & husband .....playing that back.. these emotions came over me like a Flood...
> 
> ...


Wow!!! I just came to the ladies lounge about to ask about this type of behavior. My wife's periods are now 40-45 days apart. She has been saying she just wants to run away from all the adult responsibilities. 
I'm wondering if this is what she is starting to experience now?


----------

