# Am I wrong to follow through?



## MidwestMan (Mar 11, 2011)

Wife has been wanting a tattoo.

I don't like tattoos.

I asked that she not get one.

When asked what would be the consequences of her getting a tattoo, I told her we would go to separate checking accounts

Wife had not mentioned tattoo in a long time.

Wife came how with a tattoo after lunch with old friends this week.

Felt hurt.

Didn't mention the separate checking thing for a couple days as I took everything in.

I nicely asked when we could sit down and discuss separating out the bills.

Wife blew up.



Trying to keep this short without making it a novel. But I've been trying to get her to help with the finances for a long time. Now it seems to work out. She gets a tattoo even thought I don't like it, and I get help with the finances even though she doesn't like it. 

But right now all she can think is that I am punishing her for getting a tattoo.

Should I not follow through?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Tough for her; a consequence is a punishment (in a way). She needs to grow up. Go ahead and follow through with your consequence.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Don't make a liar out of yourself. If you told her it would happen then make it happen. If you have no follow through on what you say she will begin to push boundries all of the time.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

What does having separate accounts have to do with a tattoo?
I do not like tattoos on women(sorry ladies, but that's just how I am).
If my wife were to announce that she wanted a tattoo, I think that I would just tell her that I don't like them, think that they are very unattractive and seeing one on her would probably lessen my attraction to her and certainly take away from her beauty.
If she were to get one anyway, I don't know what I would do, but she certainly would not be beautiful anymore, and likely would not even be pretty in my eyes.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

If she has the money for a tattoo then she has the money to help with bills.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Telling her if she gets a tattoo you'll get a separate checking account was over the top.

It's like an ultimatum, a command, a coercion, a manipulation. 

The way to approach such a thing is to explain why you prefer she not do it and how you will feel if she does it anyway.

Then leave her the choice to make, it's her body not yours.

If she proceeds to do it, well that says a whole lot about how little she cares about you. 

She did it, so naturally it follows she doesn't give a rat's ass about what you think.

So now you're in a hole. You made a demand, and she made it clear she doesn't give a rat's ass about you, and you want to know what you should do about it?

I'd talk to her about separating more than just the bills.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think you should ever give an threat/consequence/ultimatum if you're not willing to follow through on it. Whether it's with your spouse, a child (especially), or your boss. So I'd say you kinda painted yourself in a corner.

Having said that, I have no idea why you'd use that particular threat. Doesn't seem relevant to me. And having separate checking accounts doesn't mean she's going to be any more financially responsible. Which is a totally separate issue from getting a tattoo, in any case.

C


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

MidwestMan said:


> Should I not follow through?


I don't know. There is much discussion on this site regarding the apparently highly prized "alpha". People seem to groove on that. So if you're one of those people then what do you think an alpha would do in this situation?

I can tell you that I do not bluff... ever. Having once said, "If you do X then I will do Y" then unless there was solid reason to change that plan, that's what I'm doing. I won't walk off the edge of a cliff just because I planned to. But I don't say stuff like you did without being willing to back it up.

There are questions of honor, integrity, and credibility all wrapped up in this decision. If you don't enforce the boundary, what are your plans for the next time? Are you willing to get divorced over this? I would be. 

Now, all that being said, I'm fairly curious why you chose the repercussions that you did? Separate finances? What's that got to do with your wife being tattoo'd. How does that affect the fact that she has just gone and made herself knowingly less attractive to you? How does it change the fact that she's clearly said, "I am unwilling to be a partner with you".


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I have no idea why you made such an ultimatum but an ultimatum is useless if you don`t follow through.

Don`t follow through on this one and she`ll have no reason to respect any in the future.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

She did ask him what the consequences would be if she got a tatoo. He told her the intended punishment (which as suggested makes no sense even given another posters lame attempt to explain that since tattoos cost money, she should immediately open her own checking account and start writing checks to the electric company) and she got one anyway.

It's like a child saying to it's parent "if I don't do my school project, for how long will I be grounded?" 

This isn't a marriage it's a dysfunctional controlling/submissive - passive/aggressive - symbolic father/daughter relationship.

There are bigger issues here besides permanent ink pictures applied to the skin and joint checking accounts.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You have to follow through. 

I would not want my wife to get a tattoo. She knows this. If she were to get one without discussing with me we would a major problem. If she really wanted one, it would then depend on her reasoning and what it was. I would listen. 

I would not get one without consulting her as well.

She came back one time from a convention and said she had a tattoo. It turned out to be one of those temporary things. The women were all, hey let's get tattoos so most of them just did the temp thing. 

But she was messing with me in a playful way. No it was not a hint that she wanted one. 

I am guessing this is just first of her many tattoos that she will want. Also she may just be into rebelling against you. Probably her GFs telling her to put her controlling husband in his place. Ugh!

Anyway, this is really bigger than a tattoo. It was more imprtant to her than your feelings. 

I don't know the rest of your story. This is out of context. What is the rest of your relationship like?


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I would not want my wife to get a tattoo. She knows this...
> 
> She came back one time from a convention and said she had a tattoo. It turned out to be one of those temporary things.
> 
> But she was messing with me in a playful way. No it was not a hint that she wanted one.


Your wife knows you don't want her to get a tattoo, there is no sign that she wants one. She went to a convention and got a temporary tattoo and was messing with you.

How is this in any way related to the guy who is asking for advice about his wife's permanent tattoo that she got because she wanted one and knew he didn't want her to get one?

It seems like all you're doing is saying "Haha your wife went and got a real one, my wife would never do that she'll only tease me in a loving way".


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## MidwestMan (Mar 11, 2011)

A response to the connection of the tattoo to the separate checking.

I don't expect to have separate money. We are married everything is ours. I do make more money than her. But not much. The actual money isn't the issue. It is the effort of handling the finances.

As far as how does it relate with the tattoo, well it really doesn't. Getting a tattoo is something that she wanted that I didn't like. Having her help with the bills, finances, budget, etc is what I wanted but she didn't like.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

MidwestMan said:


> A response to the connection of the tattoo to the separate checking.
> 
> As far as how does it relate with the tattoo, well it really doesn't. Getting a tattoo is something that she wanted that I didn't like. Having her help with the bills, finances, budget, etc is what I wanted but she didn't like.


This really isn't about the tattoo or about separate checking accounts. She did something MAKOR that she knew you were very opposed to, you really need to dig deeper here to work on the real underlying problems. 

It's like saying a sanitation truck just ran over your mother and you're concerned that the garbage cans won't be emptied tomorrow if you file a lawsuit against the company.




Entropy3000 said:


> I get to decide what I reply dude. So back off. I thought it was relevant. Too bad if you don't. Tell you what I will block your posts and you can block mine.
> 
> I hope life goes better for you though.


You can reply in any way you see fit, and I'm free to offer my opinion as to the accuracy or relevancy of your posts as long as my own posts conform to the board TOS.

I've never blocked anyone, I don't get upset about things other people post to me on internet discussion forums, I understand they're entitled to their own opinions which may differ from my own and I don't take it personally. 

My life is ok.. much better post divorce than I expected it to be. I'm considering writing a thread journaling my activities these past 6 years to motivate others going through it now.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i guess op didnt mean what i thought he meant by his threat.
if i made that comment, 'separate checking accounts', it would have been because she would have needed it to run her 'separate' household.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Seems odd that she'd be punished for doing something to her own body. She didn't put a tat on you, did she? 

Life is about these things. Things my mate will do that perhaps I'm not happy about, but it's part of life. I wouldn't punish my mate like a child.

I'd voice how I felt but leave the decision up to my spouse. As long as it's not affecting our family or our marriage. Does the tat affect your marriage? People who get tats usually feel good afterwards. I have one tat. Got it when hubs left. I love this tat. He doesn't mind tats, but would never punish me for it if he did mind them.

True, she disrespected your wishes. You said you didn't like them and laid out a consequence (something I would have put the kibosh on at that time if I was her, I'm a grown woman). She went out and got one...which shows how much she wanted one.

but...since you want to be a man of your word, then you must follow through for respect. Still doesn't seem right to me.

It's just a tat. Then again, we both have tats.

Maybe if Hubs got an earring, i would be irritated because I think they're stupid on men. I wouldn't punish him though. It's his body.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DanF said:


> What does having separate accounts have to do with a tattoo?
> I do not like tattoos on women(sorry ladies, but that's just how I am).
> If my wife were to announce that she wanted a tattoo, I think that I would just tell her that I don't like them, think that they are very unattractive and seeing one on her would probably lessen my attraction to her and certainly take away from her beauty.
> If she were to get one anyway, I don't know what I would do, but she certainly would not be beautiful anymore, and likely would not even be pretty in my eyes.


So with a tat, she wouldn't be beautiful? her beauty is only skin deep?

she would have more confidence from this tat. My tat is hidden. Only I can see it ...and hubs when Im naked. 

But if your wife got one, and dressed sexy for you, and seduced you the way a woman can, you wouldn't find her attractive because of a tattoo?

lol. ok.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I will say that even though Hubs had left me at that time, I still asked him if it was ok if I spent the money on it. he knew I wanted one for a while though.

I couldn't do it behind his back.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MidwestMan said:


> A response to the connection of the tattoo to the separate checking.
> 
> I don't expect to have separate money. We are married everything is ours. I do make more money than her. But not much. The actual money isn't the issue. It is the effort of handling the finances.
> 
> As far as how does it relate with the tattoo, well it really doesn't. Getting a tattoo is something that she wanted that I didn't like. Having her help with the bills, finances, budget, etc is what I wanted but she didn't like.


just reading between the lines so if I'm wrong disregard.

sounds like you pay the lions share of the bills and would like her to be more accountible for her spending/money mangament.


follow through if she balks just say this is the money I earned and these are the bills I'm paying so deal with it.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

that_girl said:


> So with a tat, she wouldn't be beautiful? her beauty is only skin deep?
> 
> she would have more confidence from this tat. My tat is hidden. Only I can see it ...and hubs when Im naked.
> 
> ...


To be honest,I don't know. I see tats on women and I honestly do not think that they are attractive AT ALL.
If she were to get one, I would still love her, but I would hate to see her physical beauty spoiled by it.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Follow thru.
j


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Physical beauty? I guess it depends on the tat itself and the placement. You'd never know that I have a tat or anything of the sort. And the one I have is beautiful


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Who is anyone to say what another person can or cannot do with their body?

There's nothing wrong with wanting separate checking either. IMO, linking separate checking to her getting a tattoo is what is wrong here. Unless your real concern is the cost that is... but it doesn't sound like it, it just sounds like you don't like tats.

If her desire to get a tat was stronger than her care for what you like on her body, that's her choice, and its your choice to like her body less... but coming up with some unrelated thing she wouldn't want that you wouldn't have pursued otherwise sounds immature.

If you want separate checking and its more important to you than her dislike for it, you should have already done it. It shouldn't be tied to her wanting a tattoo. Otherwise you're really just being petty.

I went without any tats for years because my wife didn't like them. I finally decided it was something *I* really wanted to do, something I always wanted to do. One can only pretend to be someone else for their partner for so long.

You have to like her or not like her for who she is and what she really wants.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I will just never agree with one spouse telling the other what they can or cannot do with their body.


y'all just need to go back in the kitchen and do as youre told


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Make me a sammich woman!


damn right!
at least YOU know your place


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay... I see what you are all saying.

I guess I dont' really care for tat's so my opinion is skewed. True, the seperate accounts should not be linked with her tat's. I rescind my post. 

Instead , I agree that you need to separate your accounts and have her start being responsible for some money/ her bills... so that when this marriage doesn't last.. .that she has at least a starting base point set up for herself. Don't leave her in the lurch because she got a tat.

If she got a haircut you didn't like, Would you threaten to separate? If yes, then I guess she's better having her own account now. So she can have a place to put HER paychecks.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Haircuts are not permanent.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Haircuts are not permanent.


exactly


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Now I want a sammich.

And a haircut.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what if the tat is on your face.

if your husband came home with a Mike tyson tat on his face would that be alright?

If I married someone without a tat and I didn't like tats (which I do and my wife and I both got one a few years ago) I would be pi$$ed. might even move along down the road.

yes its your body to do with as you please but after your married its get a little blurry. what about percings if your hubby came homwe with a prince albert would that be ok? or maybe one of thoese cool eye tattoos. or nose ring.......oh most women would like the nose ring....lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I read this again and I get the point of keeping your word. That's respectable even if I don't agree.

However, if she were in an accident right now (*knock on wood*), would this even matter?! IMO, it just seems petty. A fight over a tat. I dunno...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Some people have some pretty strong convictions. I know if I got a tat, I'd be out on my arse. Joe hates them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm just trying to think of something, outside of cheating, that I would flip like this...I really can't think of anything permanent that would flip me. 

Maybe if he became religious and tried to shove it on me. That would probably flip me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I will just never agree with one spouse telling the other what they can or cannot do with their body.


Actually I don`t have a problem with it to a point.

Technically my body is hers, I expect her to limit her options regarding the male body to mine and mine only.
I give her the leeway to make some of those decisions.
I won`t get a tat because she doesn`t want me to.

She won`t get a boob job because I don`t want her to.

I could very well divorce her over it, I didn`t marry a woman with fake tits by choice.
Being stuck with a woman with fake tits now would seriously piss me off.

She does have the option to ignore my wishes.

I have the option of divorcing her because of it so I can pursue a woman who I actually find physically attractive.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, you made a promise of a consequence without being sure you could follow through or not. Take it as a lesson, be honest with her that you cannot follow through, decide to feel upset, and leave it at that. You can base your further actions on how she reacts to you being upset. There could be other problems and they are not so clear cut as to require treating her like you would a teenager. I hope that makes sense to you.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, you made a promise of a consequence without being sure you could follow through or not. Take it as a lesson, be honest with her that you cannot follow through, decide to feel upset, and leave it at that. You can base your further actions on how she reacts to you being upset. There could be other problems and they are not so clear cut as to require treating her like you would a teenager. I hope that makes sense to you.


Forget this! Follow through! The consequances of not following throughare significant.


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## zim (Apr 19, 2012)

MidwestMan said:


> Wife has been wanting a tattoo.
> 
> I don't like tattoos.
> 
> ...


You're being rather selfish, controlling and childish if you ask me. You aren't her father you're her husband, right?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree you should follow through or if you dont she will test you on other things that might be a little more painful emotionally


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

So as I read this thread, I kept thinking what would be an appropriate reaction. The checkbook seems unrelated, yet jsut shrugging your shoulders after being told that your opinion does not matter does not sit well either. But this post:



DanF said:


> To be honest,I don't know. I see tats on women and I honestly do not think that they are attractive AT ALL.
> If she were to get one, I would still love her, but I would hate to see her physical beauty spoiled by it.


caused me to think that the right response going forward is when she asks how she looks (such as when she is going out), just say you look great except for that ugly tattoo.

Okay, may be that is a bit mean, but at least it addresses the transgression.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

He told her he didnt like them, she didnt give a damn and went and done it anyway. Her own fault if things fall apart for them because he's lost interest in her.


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

I dont think you are being unreasonalbe


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Sorry for focusing on a side issue.

What and where exactly was the tattoo?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

She's not your child. It's her body and she can adorn it however she wishes. Do you have a say in all her haircuts and clothes? No. So, why would you about this? Unless it's on her face or something ridiculous, just learn to love it. You should not be punishing your wife as if she is a child.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

I agree with following through on your ultimatum but maybe be more open minded next time. I'm sure there was a time when you disliked a certain type of food/school subject/type of clothing, etc. And now, that time has passed... You find that you don't mind as much, it isn't as bad as you initially thought or that you actually like it now.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

If you dont follow through with what you said she will lose respect for you.

In my opinion, if you want to move through life not being accountable to anyone with an 'its my body i will do what i like with it' attitude then do not get married. When you are married every decision you make affects your spouse.

Some posters may say he is treating her like a child, IMO she is acting like a child.

If she wanted to get a tattoo all she needed to do was have a frank conversation with her husband. 'Darling, i know that you are not a fan of tats, however i have been thinking about it for a long while now and it is something that i really want. I wanted to let you know becasue i respect you and i dont want you to think that your feelings on the subject do not matter but this is something i want just for me. Please understand.'


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## lacrymosa (Mar 31, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Seems odd that she'd be punished for doing something to her own body. She didn't put a tat on you, did she?
> 
> Life is about these things. Things my mate will do that perhaps I'm not happy about, but it's part of life. I wouldn't punish my mate like a child.
> 
> ...





that_girl said:


> So with a tat, she wouldn't be beautiful? her beauty is only skin deep?
> 
> she would have more confidence from this tat. My tat is hidden. Only I can see it ...and hubs when Im naked.
> 
> ...


:iagree: What she said, exactly.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

What- are you her father?? You don't have the right to tell her what to do with her body. I think the consequence sounds ridiculous but I don't know all the details. Sounds like a parent/child relationship to me. I believe in a mature, respectful relationship when she asked you what the consequence would be your answer should have been no consequence.. I just won't like it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> What- are you her father?? You don't have the right to tell her what to do with her body. I think the consequence sounds ridiculous but I don't know all the details. Sounds like a parent/child relationship to me. I believe in a mature, respectful relationship when she asked you what the consequence would be your answer should have been no consequence.. I just won't like it.


Actually, he does have a right what to tell her, just as his wife has the right to ignore him. 

I will also note that when you are married, there are always consequences. They may be as minor as this, but they are there. Add to that when you do something your spouse does not want or like, you are communicating that your wants are more important than their opinion on this topic. That may be completely appropriate, but it is there.

You are not an island when you get married. There is a relationship and interaction with another person. Decisions have consequences. To pretend or demand otherwise is just silly.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm way late in on this thread, but - I agree - it's kind of hard to judge without knowing what the tattoo is of, how big it is, and where? I mean - people could be making judgement about a ladybug on her big toe for all we know. Was this a long-term goal? Did it commemorate a relative dying? 

Need more details. 


However, the over-handed emphasis on appearance on so many of these threads is kind of over the top. I'm sure no one married someone expecting them to have scars from surgery, or going bald from chemo. Should you divorce your wife for your stretch marks?

I think if the entire basis of your relationship is purely looks, you are kind of doomed. No one is going to look the way they did they day they married you forever unless you married a robot or a vampire. 

And just the very fact that your first reaction is "punishment" and I agree with everyone else - that seems a really esoteric punishment. If your whole protest was about her attractiveness, wouldn't forgoing sex be the more logical conclusion? I'm thinking you are using this as lynch-pin to an already existing financial problem we aren't getting details on.


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