# Learn from my mistakes...



## ConfusedInMichigan (Oct 27, 2012)

Haven't been on here in awhile. Just thought I would drop by and post my information for the benefit of others. Please learn from my mistakes.

My ex-wife and I first separated, then divorced, then actually got back together, and have now (I'm pretty confident) finally went our separate ways.

Big issues that always plagued us: I drank too much (yep, heard that one before) and she has an overbearing mother who she will do anything to please (including throwing me under the bus). To be honest those were our only 2 sticking points. I have always drank beer, part of the way I grew up. Sometimes too much, but never any violence or anything of that nature. Her mother hates alcohol (has an alcoholic husband) and also has severe episodes of depression where everyone around her becomes the source of all of her problems, myself included.

Over the past few months, while we were back together, I really cut back on the drinking (not down to zero, but I thought I was making progress) and she worked on dealing with her mom.

Last week I went out with my wife and we went to a couple of bars. We ran into her mother (who hates alcohol). I wasn't "wasted" but I wasn't sober either. Nothing crazy was said or done. A few days passed, things were fine between myself and the ex. However, my ex then went to spend the day with her mother. That evening, she moved out again and told me I hadn't changed enough. I asked her why she didn't speak to me about this sooner. She said she shouldn't have had to and that I ruined our reconciliation.

She started sending the token text messages about returning items to each other and thanking me for being nice during this process. The first time we separated, those texts were one of the things that brought up back together eventually. But I just can not bring myself to reply to them this time. I really don't think that I can physically or emotionally go through the period that lead up to our reconciliation again. It was the lowest point of my life. Anyone that has gone through that period will know what I mean...you feel like you are losing your mind.

So the lesson I want to give to this board: If there is a problem that plagued your marriage, deal with it completely in reconciliation. I should have cut the drinking down to nearly zero (a few brews during the football game maybe). She should have done more to reduce the influence of her mother on her decision making. The problems will be masked (we didn't fight hardly ever) but under the surface people remember what hurt them before. I am not saying it was right for my ex to leave again so abruptly, but I just want all of you trying to reconcile to really try to work on fixing the issues you had before. Don't just pretend like they aren't there.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Reading your post, I'm going to sound a bit controversial by suggesting that your drinking was directly related to your wife's emotional betrayal of you through remaining influenced by her mother (and others perhaps).

Abuse is often answered with abuse. 

Chances are you won't be a drinker with your next partner as long as you attract the right person. 

Don't reply to her texts and get out of the crazy dance. She's not your friend. She's a catalyst to your demise. Your alcohol problem and her go hand in hand together.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why was her mum in a bar if she hates alcohol so much?

I bet your marriage would have worked if your wife really wanted it to. She needs IC to figure out why she is still trying to save mummy from daddy.

Is she the oldest child? 

Really. Ask her to go to ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and learn more about herself. Find some stuff online for her and ask her to please read it. You love her and believe in your marriage. This is the same barrier you have been hitting, but this looks at it from all 3 sides - yours, hers, and her parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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