# Is my girlfriend cheating on me? Please help!



## Aminaive? (May 27, 2012)

Background: I don’t want to use real names, so I’ll use “Jane” for my girlfriend and “John” for the guy I’m suspicious of. 
Jane and I met online playing an MMORPG together back in early Feb. and quickly formed a solid relationship that has been going on for about 3 months now. You do not need to understand the game references below to understand the problem, just so you know. 

Everything was fine for awhile, at least when it came to there being no doubt about us wanting to be together. We have even told each other that we love each other. The relationship is long-distance but not too far apart that we can’t see each other often. We’ve visited both ways several times now.

Over the course of the past month or so, I’ve noticed that Jane has been spending a great deal of time playing with John, a guild mate of hers that is on her raid team. Given the week, they spend about 9-12 hours raiding together. That is understandable and doesn’t bother me in and of itself. But every day they also group together just the two of them and do dailies together. Whenever Jane and I are able to do cross-realm things together that require more than two people, the first person she always invites is John. It’s like he’s always there. She always goes out of her way to try and help him, even when he doesn’t ask for help. For instance, she’ll ask him if he needs a particular achievement and if he says yes then she will try and organize a group to go do it. I know, because I’m usually one of the persons that she asks. I’ve almost always helped as a favor to her, even though it was really for him. If I ask her if she wants to do a raid with me and join my group and she’ll say yes, but then ask if there is room for John.

She talks about John all the time, especially when things are not going well between them. She’s complained to me that she doesn’t like how he logs out with saying goodnight or goodbye. She’s complained about how he never says thank you when we help him do stuff. She’s also complain to me about how he is like a robot when it’s just the two of them and they don’t speak (but when I’m in the group together with them those two chat quite a bit). She’s actually told me more than once that she hates him. I don’t understand why she is so nice to him and is always trying to help him if she hates him. I told her this once and she retracted it and just said it was tongue and cheek talk (meaning she said it out of anger). She said that they are not even friends and that the relationship was more like a business partnership.

Now here is where my suspicions have really started to elevate. This past Tue. night, Jane and I where on the phone and at one point in the conversation, I told her I love her. Nothing new, I’ve said it before and so has she. But this time she never said it back. I asked her about it and she got really defensive and said she shouldn’t have to say it just because I do. That went back and forth for a little bit and I finally asked her if she still loved me. She refused to answer it and again turned it back on me saying that I should question it and I should already know the answer to it. We got into a fight about this which ended before there was any resolve due to it being so late at night. This was the last time I actually spoke to her on the phone. Up until Tue., Jane and I spoke almost every day on the phone as well as texted each other multiple times. We haven’t done either in almost 5 days now. The only form of contact we’ve had is 3 emails and one brief exchange through game chat on Friday. She said that she needed time to herself to consider our relationship but didn’t consider this time apart as a separation.

Friday night, I noticed Jane and John spending even more quality time together and got really suspicious again. As of last week, she and John were not friends on Facebook. Just out of curiosity, I looked up John on Facebook Friday night and noticed that Jane was a mutual friend. I then looked at her page and she had changed her settings so that I couldn’t see her friends anymore. A very odd coincidence that she added him and changed her friends privacy settings at the same time. I gave in and told her of my suspicions and instead of flat out denying it or calling me crazy, she just said I wasn’t going to get her to admit to anything. I asked her about changing her FB settings and she said she changed it to clean up her timeline so it didn’t look so cluttered. She later did say that their relationship was just plutonic, she didn’t have feelings for him, he was 13 years younger than her and that he didn’t deserve my jealousy (I’m not exactly sure what that means).

I told her that since we both had off work on Monday that I’d like to come up and see her this weekend and spend some time together. She said she didn’t want to see me right now and was very adamant about it. She normally would’ve been very excited if I said I was coming up to see her but was really firm with not wanting me to come up this weekend. Yesterday (Sat.), they both logged on briefly in the afternoon to do dailies and then logged off at the exact same time and never returned. This is unusual because they are both highly active players that play every single night and for both of them not to be on at all last night is strange.

I know this may sound like I’m stalking but you have to understand that Jane is very bad at communicating things with me. I’m usually left having to fill in the blanks myself. She is a really private person and hates divulging information. I can’t help my suspicions here and rather than racking my brain to try and figure this out on my own and would love and outsiders, non biased point of view. My core suspicion is that something is brewing between these two. But right now, my main concern is that he is visiting with her this weekend and this is why she didn’t want me to come see her as well as why she hasn’t initiated in contact with me since Tuesday other that responses to me.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

She isn't cheating--anymore. She has dumped you for John. She just hasn't told you yet. 

It is time for you to move on. Sorry....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Posse said:


> She isn't cheating--anymore. She has dumped you for John. She just hasn't told you yet.
> 
> It is time for you to move on. Sorry....


This. Sorry.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well first off, you've only been dating for 3 months, and it's been long distance the whole time. Sounds like you are a classic smotherer type.

A relationship that's 95% interacted through a game isn't going to be a particularly strong one anyway. I guess what I'm getting at is, what kind of fidelity are you expecting from a 3 month long distance in-game relationship?

But to answer your question, yes she is interested in John and no longer interested in you. Best to move on.

Out of curiousity, how old are you, and have you ever had a relationship that wasn't based on the internet?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and she's demonstrating a classic "low conflict" way for someone to end a relationship that's not terribly close. Withdraw, and hope the other person just goes away without you having to tell them. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Not married, so my advice is to run like the wind! You should send her a thank you letter with some flowers for being so dodgy and suspicious acting that you caught on right away, instead of throwing years and years into this relationship (like so many people on TAM have). Count your blessings and move on! God knows I would not be married to the woman I am with now, if I had found out about everything years ago when it happened.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I would try and find someone who doesn't spend the best part of the day playing computer games myself (she says, sitting on TAM)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Posse said:


> She isn't cheating--anymore. She has dumped you for John. She just hasn't told you yet.
> 
> It is time for you to move on. Sorry....


And she'll dump John for some other guy.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> And she'll dump John for some other guy.


particularly if he's better at raiding !

no, me neither :scratchhead:


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Time to move on, Tarzan. Find a better Jane for yourself


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I don't see what's the point of begging someone to meet them when they are not ready and are coming up with just a random excuse.
Thank God it's only been 3 months since you started dating.


Don't let things go further. She has given up on this relationship.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Time to move on. She has already done so and there's not much that you can do to turn that around at this pont. There's no sense in putting yourself through the wasted time of begging to see someone who doesn't want to be with you.


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## Aminaive? (May 27, 2012)

To answer your question, I am 35 and this is my first "online" relationship. I have had normal real-life relationships in the past. 

I've been thinking today that I explained everything to you in detail from my point of view of how I feel. We all know there are two sides to every story. So even though everyone here and everyone on another baord that I posted this on all said she is definately cheating, I can't help but have a little hope that perhaps she isn't. Maybe I'm just deluding myself.

But when we spoke briefly on Friday she said something that hit close to home. She said that I was scaring her and presuring her too much. Sometimes when I don't know how to react to a certain situation or if I feel like someone is attacking me for no good reason, I can become a little volatile for a breif moment. It's not anger, but more like passionate speaking to get my point accross.

As far as this guy goes, she does have a lot of male friends. I think some of them might even be gay. I keep holding out hope that that's all this is too.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Assuming she's also in her thirties and John is in his twenties.

She is playing head games with you. She is too old to be playing these type of head games and you are too old to tolerate it. This:

*I finally asked her if she still loved me. She refused to answer it *

Makes her and you both look immature. It's why someone asked how old you are. Gaming hobby aside, you both sound like a couple of 14-year-olds.

*I gave in and told her of my suspicions and instead of flat out denying it or calling me crazy, she just said I wasn’t going to get her to admit to anything. *

More childishness. Stop playing baby games with this little girl and go find a woman.


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## Aminaive? (May 27, 2012)

Also, I wanted to mention that I made contact with her tonight briefly and I'm not sure how to interpret it. I saw her online and it went like this:

Me: Hi.
Her: Hi
Me: How are you doing?
Her: Not too bad. I haven't wanted to be online much lately.
Me: Oh really? Why is that?
Her: Mood. I'm leaving again now actually. Have a good afternoon.
*she logs off quickly before I can respond*

I think it's good she didn't ignore me but disturbing she kept it short and got out quick.

Also, many of you are saying that she has already moved on. If this is the case, why hasn't she broken up with me yet?

Thank you all for your responses this really helps.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

wow! Her conversation screams "leave me alone".
She's not showing interest.

To answer to your username, yes. You are being naive.


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## Aminaive? (May 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I don't see what's the point of begging someone to meet them when they are not ready and are coming up with just a random excuse.
> Thank God it's only been 3 months since you started dating.
> 
> 
> Don't let things go further. She has given up on this relationship.


We've met 5 times.


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## Aminaive? (May 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Assuming she's also in her thirties and John is in his twenties.
> 
> She is playing head games with you. She is too old to be playing these type of head games and you are too old to tolerate it. This:
> 
> ...


She is also 35 and he is 22.

I'm sure this seems really immature and stupid to you and many others. I'm sure I'm behaving irrationally. But it still hurts and I could use a little compassion.


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## Aminaive? (May 27, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> wow! Her conversation screams "leave me alone".
> She's not showing interest.
> 
> To answer to your username, yes. You are being naive.


You mean leave me alone for now or permanently?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Aminaive? said:


> You mean leave me alone for now or permanently?


_Leave me alone for now. I don't feel like talking to you. I need to sort out my feelings and I'm unsure how I feel about you.
The other guy is slowly becoming very important to me so I don't really care about giving you much attention.

This could become permanently...

I'm 35 but I feel like 15 again and I like it._


That's what it means.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Aminaive? said:


> You mean leave me alone for now or permanently?


Dude...

Stop smothering her, she's not into you.

3 months into your relationship she's into another dude and giving you the "lay off me" signals, the relationship is dead. Also, 3 months is really early to be having the love talks with someone you've met 5 times.

Just suck it up and admit to yourself this girl is gone. You don't want to involve yourself with her, she's bad news. Figure out how to stop being so clingy and needy so you don't get into another disaster relationship.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Aminaive? said:


> She is also 35 and he is 22.
> 
> I'm sure this seems really immature and stupid to you and many others. I'm sure I'm behaving irrationally. But it still hurts and I could use a little compassion.


It will hurt more if you don't understand these signals and continue with the wishful thinking. In your position it is understandable that you will continue to give her benefit of the doubt so that you postpone your heart from breaking. However that will only make it worse. Listen to the people on these forums and move on. John or no John, she is certainly not into you any more.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Aminaive? said:


> Also, many of you are saying that she has already moved on. If this is the case, why hasn't she broken up with me yet?


Because she is trying to avoid having to tell you since it will be an unpleasant situation. She is hoping to avoid telling you, and waiting for you to get the hint by her refusal to interact with you.

Avoidant behavior.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

You idiot. At this point, it doesn't even MATTER if she has a thing going on with him. The reason it doesn't matter is that she DOESN'T have an attraction to you. It's so bleedingly obvious what's going on. She thinks you're "nice" and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she definitely does NOT love you. That's why she's so irritated by your questions.

And to be honest, I think you need to step it up a bit in the "being a man" department. It's hard to imagine how any woman can be attracted to someone who's as clingy and dependent as you're acting. If she's not fulfilling your needs then you need to learn to get your needs fulfilled by some other girls.


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

And one more thing that I think needs to be said... and I don't know how to say this without it sounding mean but it is NOT meant to be mean. One of your main problems is that you're showing maturity well short of your years. It's rare that I find a 20-year-old man that's as emotionally immature as what you've demonstrated in your story. There's a very good chance that it was precisely this immaturity that killed any attraction that she might have once had for you.

You will never be happy until you teach yourself to stop emotionally investing yourself in any one woman. Try to go to the bar and get laid a few times. Stop putting women on pedestals. Develop a bit more of an emotional callus. Believe me, this advice is NOT coming from an alpha male. I'm still working on all these things myself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She has dumped you but she hasn't got the guts to actually talk to you about it. She may be hooking up with him this weekend, but even if she wasn't she is passively dumping you. Yes, it looks like she is with someone this weekend.

I'd recommend you have the guts and tell her you are ending it. It's clear the relationship isn't working out, and it isn't a priority to her either,mso you are ending it snd moving on.

Besides, to you OP, you really really can do better than someone in their mid 30s who plays that much online gaming. You shoud cut back yourself and try some meat space social activities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Besides, to you OP, you really really can do better than someone in their mid 30s who plays that much online gaming. You shoud cut back yourself and try some meat space social activities.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WTF is wrong with a gamer chick? If anything, that's probably the main thing she has going for her.


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