# He cheated before we got engaged



## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

I found out recently that my husband was talking to other women in various places right before we got engaged. I was crushed. He swears he never met with anyone, but after he gave me his phone passcode I did look and I see he may have tried to make plans to meet a woman for dinner. He also lied about his Facebook use, and had used Facebook to talk to women online. He admitted this, but only after I called him out seeing the messenger app on his phone (which is deleted now). He did give me his passcode to his phone, but now he insists I should trust him after I asked about his Facebook.
He swears he did nothing like this after we got married. I’m hurt, and he doesn’t think I have the right to be. I wouldn’t have married him had I known this, because how can you talk to other women and then propose to your girlfriend of two years one month later? He also told me throughout our dating life that he wanted kids, and when he proposed he chose to disclose that he didn’t want any at all. I have a child from a previous relationship and I really do love him, so I accepted it. But I’m just torn about how he can really say he’s faithful when apparently he wasn’t during our dating time. Do people really feel talking to other people is not a big deal while dating? Am I just old fashioned?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Cheaters lie, then they lie some more. No you are not old fashioned. What are you going to do about it?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

This is a fresh pain to you because you just found out. Especially because you would have broken up had you known, it feels worse. But if your marriage will survive you have to let it go & judge him on how he's been since you have been married. If he's been loyal & faithful, use those as the foundations. 

Since he never met with these other women even if he tried, be grateful for that small blessing. 

Hopefully his wandering eye back then helped to solidify that you are the one. 

MC should help you get through this hiccup. Although his attitude about kids is probably more detrimental to your future than this past mistake.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

We’re you 2 living together at the time? 

I’m more concerned about him telling you he doesn’t want any children after telling you throughout your relationship that he did. So he doesn’t want kids of his own with you but is ok with your kid from another relationship? That doesn’t pass the smell test to me?

As a single mom, you need to be sure that whoever your letting into your life is fully down for the whole package.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

We didn’t live together until a week before we got married. He treats my child well, but he says he doesn’t want any of his own because the world is not a good place and he doesn’t know if he could deal with something bad happening. What kills me about the kids thing is when I saw those conversations with other women and they brought up kids, he told them he definitely wanted them and loves kids. Which makes me feel like he just doesn’t want them with me because he’s not committed enough


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Or. He tells women what he thinks they want to hear (about children and likely everything else).


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

He sounds like an entitled prick / wannabe player. He cares more about himself than you and your kid. You're right, he's not committed. If he was, even if he's stopped messaging other women, etc., he would try and show some remorse and bend over backwards to earn back your trust. Instead, he thinks you should get over everything. Don't have kids with him. Also, consider getting a divorce/annulment. 

My guess is that you are a convenience for him, and little else. Sorry to break it to you. If you think marrying him was a mistake, you would be correct.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Bottom line is you are married. You took vows. I think you owe it to yourself to try, assuming he's willing. 

His reason for not wanting to have kids sounds like it's born of fear. Give him a little time on that. He may come around. 

Assuming you want to save this marriage, get a good counselor & unpack some of this.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> Bottom line is you are married. You took vows. I think you owe it to yourself to try, assuming he's willing.
> 
> His reason for not wanting to have kids sounds like it's born of fear. Give him a little time on that. He may come around.
> 
> Assuming you want to save this marriage, get a good counselor & unpack some of this.


You really come across as heavily downplaying and rationalizing the man's behavior. We don't even know for sure he has been committed. His word means very little right now.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Openminded said:


> Or. He tells women what he thinks they want to hear (about children and likely everything else).


Pretty much this.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

You’re absolutely right. We are married and I’m committed. He just expects me to get over it because it happened before we got married and he doesn’t think that’s wrong to do (but he didn’t express this to me while we were dating and that’s what hurts). He says it only counts after engagement, and he hasn’t done anything after that time. I just wish he understood how hurtful this was, because now I feel like saving our marriage is entirely on my shoulders with the pressure of getting over something I should have been told about before making a lifetime commitment to someone.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I'm not downplaying this but am suggesting you get MC. If there is a path forward you will need guidance, more than a message board.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Telling the women he was pursuing that he wanted to have children sounds like his way to get women let their guard down. They will be willing to get emotionally intimate because they would see him as a potential long term mate. It’s a strategy that some unscrupulous guys use to get women to not only have sex but be emotionally into him too. Which is F’d up because then the girl is left completely devastated when he’s had his full. Thankfully it sounds like it didn’t go anywhere.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You said he was "talking to" other women. Does that mean pursuing dates with them, or simply conversing without sexual content? If the former, then yes, work on this with a counsellor. The discussion of having kids is certainly suspect, since it didn't reflect his actual views. If the latter, then it may not be a serious issue. Without more detail (if you have it to share), I can't have a good opinion on which it is.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Op, my ex cheated on me 12 years after we married, she then admitted (after some trick questions on my part) that she cheated just before we were engaged. Needless to say I knew there was more, but she was going to take it to the grave.

My point? He told you because he got caught. Right now he may be admitting to the time line because that is what he knows you know.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> You said he was "talking to" other women. Does that mean pursuing dates with them, or simply conversing without sexual content? If the former, then yes, work on this with a counsellor. The discussion of having kids is certainly suspect, since it didn't reflect his actual views. If the latter, then it may not be a serious issue. Without more detail (if you have it to share), I can't have a good opinion on which it is.


When I say talking to I mean that he was talking to women on sites for dating and telling them he wanted a relationship and asking one (that I know of) to meet for dinner. At that point, we were a couple and we had been for two years. It wasn’t like we had just started seeing each other or anything. He cancelled that dinner from what I know, and it was never rescheduled to my knowledge. Then again, he hasn’t been totally open with me at all, and he has only disclosed stuff after being found out. So my lingering fear is that I don’t know the extent of this betrayal, and since things were quite good with us when he did it (we got engaged two months later), I feel as though at any moment he could do this again because he’s not that apologetic.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Untrusting said:


> He also told me throughout our dating life that he wanted kids, and when he proposed he chose to disclose that he didn’t want any at all.


*HUGE* red flag here. Why would you agree to marry him? He pulled a bait and switch.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly he lied to you about 2 very important things, that he is a liar and cheat, and that he doesnt want children. Both would be deal breakers for me.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly he lied to you about 2 very important things, that he is a liar and cheat, and that he doesnt want children. Both would be deal breakers for me.


I'd say she has good grounds for divorce.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Sadly he lied to you about 2 very important things, that he is a liar and cheat, and that he doesnt want children. Both would be deal breakers for me.


I married him because at the time I thought he was a good and loyal man and had always been. I never doubted him before finding out this information. I figured I’ve already got a child, so I’m not missing out. And he was such a Prince Charming to me. Even now he’s really good most of the time and does sweet things. But I can’t trust him now is the thing. I could have forgiven the kid thing because I thought I was getting a wonderful husband that just didn’t want kids


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

I may have missed it but how long ago was this and how long have you been married?


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

mickybill said:


> I may have missed it but how long ago was this and how long have you been married?


We have been married just under a year. And the cheating, as far as I know, happened just a couple months before we got engaged (and we had a short one month engagement). I only just found out well after marrying him about these indiscretions.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Untrusting said:


> We have been married just under a year. And the cheating, as far as I know, happened just a couple months before we got engaged (and we had a short one month engagement). I only just found out well after marrying him about these indiscretions.


RUN! Fast!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Untrusting,

I'm sorry but I'm still trying to figure out the timeline. You have been married about a year. You dated about 2 years and then got engaged. You were only engaged one month. He did all this about 2 months before you got engaged. So is the timeline something like this:


36 months ago, you two started dating
It went from the occasional date to exclusive over the course of 24 months
After 24 months of dating, he asked another lady out but the plans fell through
A month after that, the two of you got engaged
The next month (1 year ago) you two got married
Been married 12 months.

The reason this is important is that I _think_ he was single but in an exclusive relationship when he asked these other people out on dates. But I'm not sure, and I want to be clear before I speak. 

Now, if I was exclusive with my BF (current hubby) and he asked another lady out and didn't tell me, I'd be hurt too...and yet if we weren't engaged there's not a promise of commitment, and if we weren't married there isn't a commitment. Still, after a couple years of dating there would be exclusivity, and I quite agree with you, if I had known there would have been no marriage because not being able to keep a promise is demonstration of poor character and a deal breaker. Only thing is--you didn't know it happened, so you were denied the ability to say "I do not choose to marry someone who can't keep his promises."


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Yes, at the time we considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend but it was only after I found out about him actively trying to find another relationship shortly before we got engaged that he told me he didn’t think exclusivity started until engagement. I was never told this in two years of dating, nor after marriage. Had I been told this while dating I would have ended it as soon as that came out of his mouth. Personally I call bs, we didn’t say “we are exclusive” but we both agreed we are monogamous people and that we were in a relationship. Perhaps I should have defined my relationship standards in a much more obvious way. Or perhaps he was grasping at straws and finding the quickest excuse he could rather than just admitting he made a big mistake.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Him being on dating sites is a horse of a different color. I too now question if there have been more instances. 

A guy on a dating site usually means he’s really looking. It’s not like women who sometimes go on there to get an ego boost from all the thirsty simps. 

The more you reveal about him, the slimier he seems.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Untrusting said:


> When I say talking to I mean that he was talking to women on sites for dating and telling them he wanted a relationship and asking one (that I know of) to meet for dinner. At that point, we were a couple and we had been for two years. It wasn’t like we had just started seeing each other or anything.


Did you have an understanding of exclusivity? At first you referred to yourself as a GF. A GF doesn't mean exclusive. Many have multiple GFs or BFs. If it was understood that you were both exclusive, then yes, this is a significant betrayal of trust. Otherwise?


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

The question of exclusivity is the only reason I am still with this person. We didn’t discuss it specifically and I feel it’s an error on my part not to have defined it and to have assumed it since we were in a relationship and we had both made it clear we were monogamous people. During our entire relationship, there was never a mention of “I’m going to date until I get engaged or have other girlfriends” and that was my responsibility but also his. There were also two moments I’d get a “Hey there” text from some two people I’d once dated, both coincidentally while I was hanging out with my then boyfriend. I was honest about it, he requested I block them and never speak to them, which I did. So it seems a little hypocritical that he would feel badly about those random check in texts that I didn’t ask for, but perfectly dandy about finding a new woman.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's a whole lot of men who don't really want to be monogamous or who always thinks the grass is greener and keep looking. There's a whole lot of men who don't really want to get married but they may think you're their last best hope so they marry you not to lose you.

Them marrying you doesn't mean they stop wanting other women.

What you have to examine is his overall ethics, in life, in his parenting, with the rest of his family, and in his work and see if his ethics are such that he always puts his best foot forward once committed.

He clearly was not committed right before your engagement. But is he the type of person that once he signs his name on something, he keeps his promises and pays his debts?


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's a whole lot of men who don't really want to be monogamous or who always thinks the grass is greener and keep looking. There's a whole lot of men who don't really want to get married but they may think you're their last best hope so they marry you not lose you.
> 
> Them marrying you doesn't mean they stop wanting other women.
> 
> ...


I can say that, that I know of, he’s never cheated on me since our engagement. I believe that to be correct. He does dote on me, he was highly commitment phobic all of his adult life, and I don’t think he’s always appreciated me. He told me when I found out about it that it’s always been me, he was just having issues with us and instead of talking to me about them he distracted himself with other people. I got sick around the time before he proposed, actually I possibly caught whatever minor ailment I had due to him being sick and me insisting on making sure he ate well and bringing him food. But I got pretty bad pneumonia and weird gastro symptoms from all the meds I was on, so much so that I texted him one night in enormous pain just to hear his voice for comfort. He ended up walk/running miles across town just to get to me, it took him three hours. That’s when he told me he knew he had to marry me ASAP. So, I know he does love me, I believe he does. But I’m not okay with the lack of communication that seems to lead him outside our relationship, and I have a hard time with him not understanding how much finding this out has really been a blow to me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's very encouraging that he went all out to get to you when you were having illness and needing him. That is definitely one of the ways you tell if someone really cares about you. You'd be amazed at how many don't want any part of it.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Untrusting said:


> Then again, he hasn’t been totally open with me at all, and he has only disclosed stuff after being found out. So my lingering fear is that I don’t know the extent of this betrayal, and since things were quite good with us when he did it (we got engaged two months later), I feel as though at any moment he could do this again because he’s not that apologetic.


That is a problem if he's still being secretive. Trickle truth causes more problems then it solves because it further erodes trust but if you had access to the phone & found those conversations, if there were more recent conversations don't you think you would have seen them too?


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> That is a problem if he's still being secretive. Trickle truth causes more problems then it solves because it further erodes trust but if you had access to the phone & found those conversations, if there were more recent conversations don't you think you would have seen them too?


When we talked about this initially, he told me he left those conversations there because he didn’t feel they were wrong to him. He also mentioned he could delete conversations or calls and asked me if I really thought he was dumb enough not to. He swears up and down he never has done those things since we married and has nothing to hide, but just the mention of that was weird to me. So if there is something, I’d likely never know. He also lied to me about never having a Facebook in years, which bothers me. I don’t care if he has one, I have one. But I’m open about having one and I’d never hide it. And honestly, if it were my loyalty in question I’d give him the password and tell him have at it. I don’t expect that, but I do expect my spouse not to have secret social media


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Maybe I’m not as understanding and forgiving as some of the other posters here. 

Some people may be willing to buy off on the “....well, you weren’t exactly engaged yet and the exact words of not dating his others never technically came out his mouth and he didn’t sign any exclusivity papers blah blah blah..”. 

But I’m seeing this all as something darker than a single guy just being a jerk. 

He may be an actual con man or have some kind of personality disorder or something. 

The whole thing about the kids is a warning sign to me and I seeing it as being a chameleon or shape-shifter that says whatever people want to hear. 

That goes beyond a simple pick-up-artist or playa’ picking up chicks in bars or swiping on Tinder. That is intentionally portraying himself as something he is not. That is what the personality disordered and the narcissists and psychos do. 

The love bombing and the doting etc can be signs of that as well. 

A BPD’r and a narcissist can each crawl through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to help someone else if it makes them look good or helps further their agenda. But they are doing it to position themselves better in someone else’s eyes or to help their cause - not for the actual benefit of the other person. 

There isn’t a one size fits all litmus test here. You will have to do a deep dive into his finances and into his other relationships and how he conducts himself on the whole?

Does he have close friends of good character and close relationships with family members who are of good and sound character?

Is there any secret drug or alcohol abuse behind the scenes?

Any secret porn use?

Are the people he actually spends the most time with shady? 

Are all his shortcomings and failures other people’s fault or always some circumstance just out of his control?

Does he have defaulted loans, bad credit, bankruptcies etc? 

Has he ever changed his name or given himself some kind of alias or other persona? 

Does he treat people like a king/queen but then criticize and cut them down the moment they are out of earshot?

Are all his old girlfriends and people he has hooked up with all “crazy” or all hoes or gold diggers or $lu+s or cheaters according to him? 

Does he have any criminal records or history of arrest(s)? 

Is he mean to or highly critical of animals or other people’s pets (when they aren’t around to see/hear him) 

These are all things that you need to look into to get a better view of his character and real persona.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Double post


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can you answer me one question? 

Did all of this chatting happen before you married?

(So he hasn’t chatted with these women once he became your husband?)

If he hasn’t chatted with women after, then I don’t understand what the issue is? He’s been transparent right? 

That was his past. 

What is your future if you can’t let this go? 

Some women had lots of sexual partners before marriage and remain loyal and 100per cent committed when they marry. 

There are the husbands who accept this... and the husbands who don’t.


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Maybe I’m not as understanding and forgiving as some of the other posters here.
> 
> Some people may be willing to buy off on the “....well, you weren’t exactly engaged yet and the exact words of not dating his others never technically came out his mouth and he didn’t sign any exclusivity papers blah blah blah..”.
> 
> ...


The reason I fell in love with him was he was kinda of Captain America type I guess. Good morals and values, considerate, and I thought loyal. He is well liked by his friends, and a smart guy. He spends most of his time pursuing his PhD work, and he’s always been really invested in that. It gets lonely often, which is why this was a slap in the face to me. I very passionately supported his goals, I still do, even though it meant sometimes I didn’t get the attention I wanted. And I mean that objectively. Sometimes I didn’t see him for a couple weeks, although that was unusual. And when I did see him I basically sat with him in the library 90% of the time so he could write. And I never complained because I saw us as building a life. But now I think - were you really busy or was I just not the girl for that day? I feel like all the questions I should dig for I knew the answer to, and now if I probe he’ll actually end up leaving. He actually told me if I didn’t trust him he would leave me. But the reason I didn’t trust him was because he deals with conflict poorly, and he’ll often avoid me after. Well this last time he actually was at work all night, not responsive to my calls or texts, not caring i was crying my eyes out worried we were over. So of course I will have questions after behavior like that. Then the texts came into my knowledge and everything I knew about the man I married was gone in an instant - and yet I am to take the blame for my lack of trust


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## Untrusting (Mar 22, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Can you answer me one question?
> 
> Did all of this chatting happen before you married?
> 
> ...


I guess the main issue for me since we were in a relationship at that time but not yet engaged is that for me it shows how he deals with problems, which I find worrying if this was the solution rather than saying what was in his mind. In fact, he was sweeter than ever then and he never did tell me what the issue was that caused this. He has also not been transparent. At first it was a couple people he talked to, then it was he never had Facebook for years but oh wait he had Facebook looking for women and still has the app in his phone, and I didn’t meet anyone but oh wait I tried to make a dinner date. I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t think a relationship partner deserved a heads up the other person wasn’t quite happy with someone, because that’s not what we should do to people we say we love. It’s totally one thing to me to say you don’t want a true commitment until marriage and another to seek out people when issues are present that you never brought up in the first place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Untrusting said:


> I guess the main issue for me since we were in a relationship at that time but not yet engaged is that for me it shows how he deals with problems, which I find worrying if this was the solution rather than saying what was in his mind. In fact, he was sweeter than ever then and he never did tell me what the issue was that caused this. He has also not been transparent. At first it was a couple people he talked to, then it was he never had Facebook for years but oh wait he had Facebook looking for women and still has the app in his phone, and I didn’t meet anyone but oh wait I tried to make a dinner date. I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t think a relationship partner deserved a heads up the other person wasn’t quite happy with someone, because that’s not what we should do to people we say we love. It’s totally one thing to me to say you don’t want a true commitment until marriage and another to seek out people when issues are present that you never brought up in the first place.


But you are looking at this from the perspective of a normal, decent person of character. The problem is he may not be those things. 

Cheaters often don’t cheat because the relationship is flawed and they are unhappy or that it’s not working for them.

They often don’t even cheat because they want to move on and find someone else. 

They cheat because they simply want more.

You are looking at it from what YOU would do and what might lead YOU to cheat.

For him it could be something altogether different for a completely different agenda.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You didn’t quite answer the question though - I didn’t ask what the problem was, merely, was this his behaviour before marriage? 

You’ve sort of indicated above that not only was it before marriage, but it was also before engagement. How this thread has moved into him being a cheater is making me scratch my head. 

Husband and I both had a past, we just don’t go there. I don’t mean to be unkind but it sounds extreme and too much for anyone to handle. If he isn’t chatting with women now, loves you and takes care of you I think you need a lot of help to let it go. 

If my husband suddenly decided to probe me about something that happened while I was NOT ENGAGED to him and convince me I was cheating or even go that angle, I’d be worried he was projecting something or looking for a way out. 

A thief if often afraid everyone’s going to steal from him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Untrusting said:


> So my lingering fear is that I don’t know the extent of this betrayal..


I can guarantee that you don't.



Untrusting said:


> There were also two moments I’d get a “Hey there” text from some two people I’d once dated, both coincidentally while I was hanging out with my then boyfriend. I was honest about it, *he requested I block them and never speak to them*, which I did.


WOW. Just wow. The audacity!!



Luckylucky said:


> If my husband suddenly decided to probe me about something that happened while I was NOT ENGAGED to him and convince me I was cheating or even go that angle, I’d be worried he was projecting something or looking for a way out.


She couldn't question him about it sooner because she didn't know. Had she known, she wouldn't have married him. They'd been in a relationship for 2 years at the time and one month after he was organising dinner dates with another woman he proposed to OP.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Untrusting said:


> I married him because at the time I thought he was a good and loyal man and had always been. I never doubted him before finding out this information. I figured I’ve already got a child, so I’m not missing out. And he was such a Prince Charming to me. Even now he’s really good most of the time and does sweet things. But I can’t trust him now is the thing. I could have forgiven the kid thing because I thought I was getting a wonderful husband that just didn’t want kids


So you tell him that he ruined the trust! That you are leaving him unless he does the hard work to understand how wrong he’s been in his thinking and his actions to you.

If he’s not willing to prove he will change - then there’s no use staying with any guy who doesn’t acknowledge how they’ve ruined a marriage by lying and cheating and being sneaky.

There is NO foundation to your marriage - and if he won’t repair the damage HE caused - then leave him! I say that from experience!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Untrusting said:


> Yes, at the time we considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend but it was only after I found out about him actively trying to find another relationship shortly before we got engaged that he told me he didn’t think exclusivity started until engagement. I was never told this in two years of dating, nor after marriage. Had I been told this while dating I would have ended it as soon as that came out of his mouth. Personally I call bs, we didn’t say “we are exclusive” but we both agreed we are monogamous people and that we were in a relationship. Perhaps I should have defined my relationship standards in a much more obvious way. Or perhaps he was grasping at straws and finding the quickest excuse he could rather than just admitting he made a big mistake.


Semantics and gaslighting, the most treasured tools of the narcissist. Be happy he is terrible at apologies because you’d be real screwed if he knew how to lie well about that.

Why didn’t he let you in on the special “monogamy only counts after the engagement” rule? Because he is the only one allowed to vet his options. Not you.

He’s not going to be fixed by counseling, I suggest a lobotomy. That’ll be as close to fixed as this guy is going to get.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Untrusting said:


> The question of exclusivity is the only reason I am still with this person. We didn’t discuss it specifically and I feel it’s an error on my part not to have defined it and to have assumed it since we were in a relationship and we had both made it clear we were monogamous people. During our entire relationship, there was never a mention of “I’m going to date until I get engaged or have other girlfriends” and that was my responsibility but also his. There were also two moments I’d get a “Hey there” text from some two people I’d once dated, both coincidentally while I was hanging out with my then boyfriend. I was honest about it, he requested I block them and never speak to them, which I did. So it seems a little hypocritical that he would feel badly about those random check in texts that I didn’t ask for, but perfectly dandy about finding a new woman.


Yep. He’s using the ol semantics thing to bamboozle you into submission. Seems to be working too.

“You said YOU wanted to be monogamous. You didn’t say I wasn’t allowed to date and eff other people!!!” Either you believe he is an idiot and actually needs that clarification, or you have to believe you are the idiot because YOU are misunderstanding. So who is the dumbass?

When you ask him to pick up milk on the way home does he bring you home a block of cheese? “You didn’t say the liquid kind!”


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Untrusting said:


> Yes, at the time we considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend but it was only after I found out about him actively trying to find another relationship shortly before we got engaged that he told me he didn’t think exclusivity started until engagement. I was never told this in two years of dating, nor after marriage. Had I been told this while dating I would have ended it as soon as that came out of his mouth. Personally I call bs, we didn’t say “we are exclusive” but we both agreed we are monogamous people and that we were in a relationship. Perhaps I should have defined my relationship standards in a much more obvious way. Or perhaps he was grasping at straws and finding the quickest excuse he could rather than just admitting he made a big mistake.


Oh boy. You have a communication problem on your hands. Another reason MC may help. You two need to get on the same page & define certain things. You are his wife now. As a PhD candidate he should appreciate logic so use some to get him to MC. 

You two have a LOT to talk about. 

When he made you delete opposite sex friends from your life that was a heads up that he can't be trusted around opposite sex friends because he only has women he wants to sleep with in his life, not platonic anybody. 

You need to define the baselines clearly or you are going to be faced with him trying to justify some inappropriate conduct regarding fellow PhD candidates, colleagues & maybe students if it's a TA somewhere.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some people are not monogamous minded, or are only this way, begrudgingly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are grasping at straws, finding anything to remain with this man.

You said the word "exclusive" was never mentioned, early on, prior to engagement and marriage. This is desparate thinking. 

I am not saying to divorce this man...yet.

Keep a sharp eye on him. Grad school always holds some risks, with OSF's and colleagues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Temptation is real and never totally goes away.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This whole well he didn't consider you monogamous until you got engaged is horse ****, and the fact that he demanded YOU block exes is proof.

He wanted monogamy from you....not him. He wanted you as a backup while he explored his options. Whether he just couldn't do better or decided you were the best option you'll probably never know.

Typical cheater mentality.

This is unfortunately what you're dealing with now. And blowing off your concerns tells me he's still of that mindset.

It's up to you to decide if you want to live with this but I would bet it's not going to get better.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I can guarantee that you don't.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree with Wow! in the fact he was being hypocritical. I do however thing old flames should not be entertained. I decline FB friend requests from past GFs and female classmates. Just as my wife declines those from her past. That life is past, dont look back.

I always think about Cromer's friend. His wife screwed an old BF in truck in parking lot at a class reunion her hubby could not attend 15 yrs prior. Blew up a 20+ yr marriage. He found out and ghosted her. Divorce filed and he was submitting reviews on all the girls at the Bunny Ranch and what they are best at. Eventually he ended up in Fla. living on a yacht with a 20 something hottie half his ex-wife's age.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Maybe I’m not as understanding and forgiving as some of the other posters here.
> 
> Some people may be willing to buy off on the “....well, you weren’t exactly engaged yet and the exact words of not dating his others never technically came out his mouth and he didn’t sign any exclusivity papers blah blah blah..”.


^^^This. Steadily dating for 2 years tells the world that you are a couple. Only a person trying to get out of trouble plays the semantics card (gaslighting). If he truly believes he didn't do anything wrong, then you have to ask yourself if you really want to be married to someone who is so ignorant about relationships. 

The lack of transparency, lying, gaslighting and avoiding conflict are all concerns to be considered, too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Getting off a tort (and onto a tart) as a result of a technicality may be legal, but not to the plainly aggrieved plaintiff, you.

He lied by omission while he clearly lied on top of another women. 

A crime committed in the dark is no less aggregious.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The point immediately before getting engaged/as you get engaged, is typically the high water mark for romantic interest.

During that time he was actively talking to other women. Then the engagement was fast tracked and you were married to him a month later. 

So to be quite blunt, he's just not that into you, and there's a hidden but true motivation to why he married you that has little to do with wanting to be in a relationship to you.

So you're emotionally connected to him, and value the the relationship, and have projected/assumed he has the same feelings for you. Except he doesn't really have those same feelings for you. So anything you do to try and improve the relationship will fail, because he doesn't actually want the relationship, he simply wants something you are doing for him.

I can't tell you the details of how this all plays out, but I can with high confidence say it's only going to get increasingly worse from here, he'll gaslight the hell out of you hiding his true motivation, and it lasts until you decide you can't take it anymore and file for divorce.

The sooner you leave the more pain it saves you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Untrusting said:


> We didn’t live together until a week before we got married. He treats my child well, but he says he doesn’t want any of his own because the world is not a good place and he doesn’t know if he could deal with something bad happening. What kills me about the kids thing is when I saw those conversations with other women and they brought up kids, he told them he definitely wanted them and loves kids. Which makes me feel like he just doesn’t want them with me because he’s not committed enough


Or he was bsing those women, making himself sound like a really good guy? Which, in my opinion, he is not.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm really confused because doesn't monogamous mean exclusive????

How can you be monogamous without being exclusive?


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