# What to say or do to save my marriage?



## June123 (Apr 25, 2010)

Hello, everyone, I'm new here and I am just looking for other opinions and suggestions about my situation.

My husband and I are coming up on our fifth wedding anniversary next month. I'm 27, he is 30. We are currently married, living together, and going to marriage counseling, while I go to personal therapy. We have no children.

Our first year of marriage, I experienced a mental breakdown, a combination of the chronic pain, as well as finishing university and having a high stress job. I admitted my serious depression to my husband, was placed into a psychiatric hospital for about a week before being sent home. As I recovered, my husband became my caregiver.

It has taken years to get to the point where I am currently. My pain is, for the most part, under control. I see a psychiatrist and therapist and have finally found proper medication that deters my depression, and I feel well enough to work and am actively looking for employment with a job counseler. 

We began marriage counseling about six months ago at my suggestion, as we were constantly either ignoring each other or fighting, capped off my a very bad fight in which he expressed he was 'at the end of his rope' with his frustration about me. This frightened me so much and I felt that one day soon he wouldn't come home.

I have also contributed negatively to our marriage and I am trying hard to remedy the issues--I am half of my marriage and I am responsible for my behaviors that are contaminating our relationship as well, this is not an axe job on my husband, I love him and he is a good man in his heart.

At my last personal session (our marriage counselor and my personal therapist are the same person) my therapist told me she didn't feel my husband was putting forth effort in our sessions and continues to refuse to admit that he has made negative contributions to our marriage as well. She brought up the topic of divorce for the first time, which broke my heart, but she also has a point--why would I want to be with someone who wouldn't try everything to save our marriage?

We have a session together on Tuesday and I'm at a loss as to what to say or do. I don't know if I have the guts to tell him 'hey, pay attention, our marriage is on the line! I am seriously thinking about a trial separation once I find employment!' We love each other, but we're both unhappy and very frustrated. 

Sorry for the length of this post, but I'm just looking for some advice or insight anyone might see or just a kind word. Thank you for reading this.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I'm going to keep this short. I think your therapist is right. I know it hurts, but you can't be the only one trying to work on keeping your marriage. It's a 50/50 responsibility, you're not responsible for the entire thing.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Wow, from one post you advise and agree with a therapist? Amazing. Thank God I never met you when I was going through my hard times... I would be divorced right now and missing out on a life that people could not even dream of. 

June123, There are a number of things about love. Marriage is a 2 way street there is no doubt. But we are ingrained with selfishness from Birth, and that is the biggest reason for bad marriages. 

First and foremost, love needs to be patient. Love is quick to listen and slow to speak. If I may... It seems your husband was there for you, while you were going through a horrible time. Did you ever think that it effected him in ways that are causing what is going on now?
And as for fearing to tell him his marriage is on the line. Why? Would you rather just give up? You should tell him and give him the chance to make the decision. You guys are young, and still have a lot to give each other. Don't give up.


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## June123 (Apr 25, 2010)

pochael:

I absolutely agree with you--what I went through undoubtedly and profoundly affected him. How could it not? And in our first year of marriage, I can't imagine how he felt when my psychiatric issues were putting us through such difficult times. I don't want to downplay my part in the breakdown of our relationship--I said things (I was suicidal, some of the drugs on which I was put caused terrifying results that required trips to the emergency room, I lashed out at him in my pain and was useless as a companion) that could only be met with sadness, frustration, and confusion. (I'm sure he thought, perhaps continues to think, as I would, too, that he had somehow caused my mental health to go awry), and, I believe, depression on his part as well. 

It's been a ride from hell. I have been making a racket over our fifth anniversary on May 21st and my husband asked why I was doing so. I told him it was because it's miraculous that we're still married after all that's happened...and yet, I can't bring myself to buy him a gift for it, as I don't know if things will implode before then and I'll need the money. (I pawned some old jewelry for the money.)

Both our therapist and I have pleaded with him to enter personal counseling to deal with issues that have arisen from my difficulties--even one or two sessions--which he has staunchly refused--I think what's at play there is the way he feels a 'proper man' should react--that is, not at all, unemotional, or at least trying to be unemotional. (Something I've noticed with his father and grandfather, as well.) Expressing truthful emotions, especially ones that are considering negative, is taboo in his family, particularly amongst the male members, in my opinion. I recall that the first day we had a marriage counseling appointment, there was a icestorm that prevented us from making our appointment, to which he remarked, off the cuff, 'Oh thank God, we don't have to talk about our feelings.'

As far as my reluctance to be absoutely straight with him about the very real possibility of divorce, well...it goes back to your allusion of Corinthians--I want to be patient, to give him more time, to not say anything in haste that I might regret. I'm also worried and scared about his reaction, I suppose--what if he does react to a straightforward pronouncement that we're headed for divorce and say 'I'm done with this marriage, move your things out of the house.'

I appreciate both your answers, Mrs. Sedegy and pochael, they've given me a lot about which to think. I appreciate your replies very much--thank you.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

((( JUNE ))) I feel for you here. A breakdown, depression, etc, is hard enough on a person and then you deal with the guilt of putting a loved one through that. I think you are on the right track for yourself and your marriage. It sounds like your H could use some individual counceling but he most likely wont ever go, you are probably VERY lucky that he even attempts to go for marriage counceling. Use that to your advantage. I know its scary to "lay down the law" but I dont think he understands just how serious this is. In a session is the best place to do this because you will at least have some support from your therapist.

Isnt it better to know now if your marriage isnt going to work out, than struggle for years and come to the same end?

He might surprise you too. If he didnt love you, care about the marriage, or wanted out..... wild horses couldnt drag him to counceling.

Good luck and keep us up to date. This is one of the best places to come to just let it all hang out!!!! Most of the people who are regular posters here have sound advice & do not judge.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Sorry you have endured so much suffering. I also have chronic pain, so I understand a bit of what you have struggled with.

I'm sure your husband is frustrated with life in general, probably emotionally exhausted, because any kind of illness can me a drain.

You know, maybe he is not ready to admit he has contributed negatively, I mean, he has given so much to you that he may not be able to "get" that until he can step back and get a look at the bigger picture. 

Often, when one partner has been ill or depressed, when they are recovering, the other partner experiences depression. If it were me, I wouldn't be so hard on him. Be kind. You won't be able to convince him that he has not done all he can until he is ready to admit it. Some things take time and patience, two words which are not popular, these days.

Best,

Lyn


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

I have to agree with pochael. My W had very rough times medically through out her life and during our marriage. I did all I could to take care of her. Once she got on her feet is when I guess she realized she didn't need me anymore. I can see how your husband might be holding resentments towards you. 

Honestly it sounds like you have made up your mind to be ready to leave him. In a way I feel bad for him since it seems you and the therapist are double teaming him about him. Marriage is supposed to be 50/50 but come on it never is. Just like in your early years it was 90him/10 you. Now maybe it needs to be 10him/90you. It is never going to be even and sometimes you have to reach down and set your feet in the ground on loving your spouse. And just because your therapist mentions something it doesn't mean it is right. From your post I kinda felt you were taking that person's word for written in stone and like your clubbing him with it.

Can you tell us how you have worked to make your marriage better ?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't see anything in your marriage that is SCREAMING that its time for a divorce. If he is going to counseling, then have a little more patience. He did, after all, stick with you through a very difficult time in your life.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

First and most sacred rule of couple's counseling ... DO NOT go to couple's therapy with one of the partner's individual therapists. (read that again ... it's very important)

Your therapist is being unethical by treating you & hubby as a couple AND treating you as an individual. It's one thing if you are the primary patient and your husband comes in to your sessions periodically to discuss ways he can support you at home. But a couple's therapist is supposed to belong completely to the couple with no bias toward one partner or the other - that is not possible in the current set-up that you have. An example of that is that your therapist would bring up "divorce" outside of your husband's presence. That's unethical and it's bad therapy. She may be great as an individual therapist, but she (is it a she?) can't be unbiased in the couple's work and that WILL hurt marriage. You can count on it. End the couple's sessions with her immediately and switch to a brand new couple's therapist (not recommended by or affiliated to the individual therapist) if you want to save your marriage. If you were wondering what your husband's resistance in the therapy is, it's coming from that - even if he doesn't consciously know it. At some level, he knows this person is on YOUR side and not HIS.

Now to other topics: What is it that he's not doing for the marriage? Why the insistence that he own up to his "contribution" to the problem when it sounds like you guys are barely coming out of a deep dark hole to get some air ... possibly for the very first time in your marriage. It's really important to get professional help when you have a major mental health issue like the one you have experiences. It's just as important to know when to not rely on therapists and experts to solve it all. Sometimes what a marriage needs is air and water and fun and room to breath and to laugh. When was the last time you got that? You won't get it on a couch. I'm not saying don't go to therapy, but I'm saying if you have been submerged in this for so long, you have become so dependent on it, it's almost an addiction. Over-talk, over-think, over-analyze. The tiniest little thing broken down until there is no normal anymore. Normal failings of marriage blown up so out of proportion that the word "divorce" is being thrown around.

Couples have problems. The best of couples have problems. Sound to me like you have a good husband that's probably really, really, really burnt out. Give the guy a break. You get a tiny bit better and you're thinking about leaving him because he's not perfect? Anyway, don't know what the issues are ... just make sure you're not being petty. And instead of trying to drain even more energy out of him, why not find ways to refuel him as a person and as a man since he's missed out on so much for so many years while taking care of you? While I feel for the pain that you have suffered, I can't help think that you have developed a sense of entitlement during your suffering. 

You husband has been suffering a long-time too. Maybe before he engages in any form of Mea Culpa, he needs a true genuine acknowledgment of what he has sacrificed and suffered - and I don't mean just words on your part.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

+1 Ms Lady


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