# My story: surviving and thriving



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi

Decided I wanted to start a thread so I have a place to come to to vent, express my feelings, the ups and downs. Hopefully more ups that downs! 

My husband has been withdrawn for a month, however this coincided with my mother's visit from Canada, so I didn't have the time to draw him out- and he seemed to be not keen to talk. Two days after my mum left (I live in the UK), he went to Ireland for work as he does now and again. He was due to return the Monday, but didn't, and then he didn't return my calls either. Finally he rang and told me ILYBNILWY and my world collapsed. We've been married 12 years, no children, have always talked and been very loving towards each other, it's only been this past month or so that things didn't feel right between us. He's been under a huge amount of stress as he is self employed and it's been a difficult year-18 months. He rarely takes days off. He had a totally dysfunctional childhood and I think he has some issues he needs to address in therapy. He said he just wanted to be alone and that I deserved someone better. I do worry that he's depressed. I think he has hit the limit of what he can take, and is having a crisis of identity(he also said he didn't know who he was anymore) and is very unhappy. 

I recognise the part I've played in this scenario as I've relied on him too much as I don't have many friends since we moved to the country, and find my confidence has been affected a lot. I realise I needed to do more for myself so at least he didn't feel I was a burden to him. And I think weve both held things back from each other so to protect the other person. But this isn't healthy and maybe contributed to him feeling unhappy and isolated. 

Almost three weeks later and he is still in Ireland. I have texted hum only a few times regarding finances and practicalities, although I did suggest that perhaps he should come home but he just texted back he wanted to be alone. I've asked him if there is someone else and he said no and I believe him. 

Anyway I've been rewarding all sorts of marriage guidance books and such, trying to memorise what to say or do. To be honest, I'm sick to death of focussing on my marriage. So now I am just reading novels and whatever catches my fancy. 

I've been doing the 180, although more with the intention of getting him back. I had a revelation yesterday when I realised I actually needed to do the 180 to help myself stay sane and grow as an individual. 

I've actually coped fairly well so far, after the first we days. I got myself to the GP and was prescribed anti-depressants with referral for counselling. I've taken up old activities such as a poetry group and photography. I've also started a yoga class and am eying up a belly dance class in November. I went today to a personal development group that meets monthly, and it was awesome meeting new people, and feeling like i wasn't alone. The topic was self esteem and confidence, using NLP techniques. 

Sorry this is so long. I don't really expect anyone to read this, it's for myself to keep track of how I'm doing! 

Good luck with your own journey! xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just read about JADE on a post by AngelPixie, basically its an acronym for :

J = justify
A = argue
D = defend
E = explain

I've just had a wake up call and realised I defend decent defend! Also justify and explain. Not so much arguing however, tho maybe my husband would disagree with that. Hmmm going to be changing this behaviour from now on!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Been busy today but now that I've stopped for five minutes, I dust feel horrendous. Really bloody miserable. Guess that's par for the course and must be expected to come up now and again, but hard to cope its in the moment. totally sucks.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Been busy today but now that I've stopped for five minutes, I dust feel horrendous. Really bloody miserable. Guess that's par for the course and must be expected to come up now and again, but hard to cope its in the moment. totally sucks.


Hi Chopsy. Just read your thread. Sorry you're going through this.

My H too was stressed and depressed and he left. Turned out in his case there was someone else. Someone who came along when he was at his lowest.

Good for you for keeping busy. There will be ups and downs. I hope your H will at least come back and talk to you. My H avoided that as much as he could. 

Doing the 180 is an excellent idea. It will help you to grow stronger and be able to deal with whatever happens.

Stay strong.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Starting a thread to keep track of your situation and progress is a good idea. Helps keeps things in one place so people can comment and offer support more easily.

Make time to take care of yourself. Indulge in things that please you, when you can. Exercise to get rid of some of the anxiety that will build up. Learn about the 180. 

And, hang in there!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yesterday I was feeling a bit down and suddenly remembered a sheet of white card I had bought with the intention of making a vision board so I got out a pile of magazines and started cutting and glueing. Very restorative thing to do. I included activities I wanted to try, places I wanted to go, the type of house I'd like, things and people I love. I've set it up where I can see it and I hope. It will help me turn my focus to what's positive in my life and what it can be,


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Went and saw my personal trainers today for the first time months. I crashed my car in early July and my mother stayed for five weeks through Aug and Sept, and then my H left late Sept so I have been away for awhile. I've trained with him since April last year. He's also a life coach and is wonderful in that way, as well as kicking my butt. Can't wait to get back to lifting weights, today was just mobility and foam rolling. Still tough tho. He knows my H too which helps as he used to train with him as well. He's texted him a few times but H hasn't said much to him. Anyway it was great to go and do something positive for myself. 

I've also taken up a yoga class with SIL, joined two social groups on Meetup, joined a book group, and a once a month NLP group to work through topics like confidence, self esteem, success, beliefs, etc. it feels aŵesome to be getting out and meeting people. I've decided to totally let go of my H. I still love him and want him to come back, but I can't make him do it.and I want him to come back for the right reason. Also he's going to have to up his game to be with me!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

After my training session, I realised how unfit I've become in the last few months. Guess the dog walks weren't really doing much. Did a hillwalk with the dogs today that I usually manage fine and I had to stop several times to get my breath. Anyway I know I haven't been eating too well since H left. I am not a big eater anyway and my appetite has just disappeared. If I have anything it's a bowl of soup. Which isn't a bad option I guess. But I know I need more protein, vegetables, etc. I bought some oranges and bananas and have been having those. But I really am struggling to make myself prepare a proper meal. I don't even think about food until I'm absolutely starving. And by then I just want whatever's easy, like a banana. Anyway if you have any thoughts on how to improve my diet, do let me know. I know my diet might not seem like a serious topic on this forum, and it is fairly minor, but I am trying to look after myself and I think if I could eat better it would make a difference to my moods and energy.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It's been a month today. I am NC except regarding finances. I'm skint and relying on him-when he left he said he would continue to pay for everything, but he either is having a difficult time - something my SIL alluded to after a phone call with him. Or he could be living it up or be having an EA or PA, but at this point I have no evidence. Anyway I haven't worked for some time as I have been in university studying archaeology. I'm taking a break this year after what happened with us, and now looking for a job or an opportunity. Ideally I'd like to train as a life coach and NLP practitioner but those courses cost £££. 

Anyway life is good otherwise. I went to my first meetup outing a few days ago and it was good fun. I'm getting out more. I'm making a list of 101 goals and affirmations. I literally live only one day at a time, otherwise I can get n a tailspin thinking about the future. And I've realised I have to let him figure ths out, and that I have no control over him. Sometimes I am tempted to call but then realise he will likely see it's controlling. In a week or two I might contact him just to check in, tho perhaps it's not a good idea. Hard to know what's best sometimes. 

Oh and I made a vision board and am now thinking of doing another. It's a nice activity and makes you focus on what you really want. 

Having said all that it totally sucks to be going through this. However I'm determined to stay positive and get on with my life.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had a weak moment this evening, and texted him, saying I know he wants to be alone, but hat I would always be on his side. I said I am doing well and moving on with my life and hope all is well with him. 

Hard to know if that was a good thing or not. Probably not. Back to 180 again.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I understand on the weak moments. Hugged my wife before bed (She just returned home yesterday after travelling for the entire week after I found out) ... also probably a mistake as i guess it "reinforces the bad behavior". 

I think the 180 helps, but doesnt completely stop the human side of us from breaking through every now and again.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It's like I'm battling with my head and my heart, guess the heart will win now and again.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Wish I knew when he's coming back. It's hard for me living in limbo. When he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, (on the phone!!!),he said he would come back and talk about it with me. It's been a month now, could be many months yet for all I know. It sucks not knowing. And he said there was no one else, but how do I know for sure? Do I trust him on that? I did when he told me. Not so sure now. Tho still hoping fora positive outcome.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Wish I knew when he's coming back. It's hard for me living in limbo. When he gave me the ILYBINILWY speech, (on the phone!!!),he said he would come back and talk about it with me. It's been a month now, could be many months yet for all I know. It sucks not knowing. And he said there was no one else, but how do I know for sure? Do I trust him on that? I did when he told me. Not so sure now. Tho still hoping fora positive outcome.


my H told me there was no-one else. There was. this may not be the same in your case, just something to consider.

I don't know. maybe if your start the process for a legal separation, it may shock him into action. it might at least get him back to talk to you. If things work out, you don't need to go through with it, but he needs to know that you're not just going to sit around waiting for him. You're going to move on with your life.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Sometimes I think the title of this thread is a presumptive-surviving and thriving?? I must have had a good day when I wrote that! Lol
Unlike today. Called SIL who's been a rock for me, I just felt terrible today, was crying, no positivity, out of control, worried about money, wonderingif my H is having an affair or if he will ever come home. 

After a useless hour spent reading horoscopes and tarot-yes it's pathetic, and a bit desperate. I decided to email him. Up till now our contact has been by text and only about finances. Some things can't be said in a text and he won't take a call from me. Its been a month and probably not a good idea, but I laid my cards on the table and wrote about what went wrong in our marriage and what my role was in it. I also said I wanted him to be happy and if separating was necessary then I encourage him to do it and not return until he wanted to. Maybe I've given away too much but I want him to find himself and be happy. If there's someone else it will come out eventually. I want to be happy too. I feel much better for having sent it. I don't expect anyone else to understand this but I needed to do it to feel good n myself.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

My wife swore to me multiple times that she had called it off with the OM while she worked through the divorce. 

I discovered today that that is not true. I told her how much her continuing to lie when there is no reason hurt me (oops, i failed at the 180 again today). These people just cannot think of anyone but themselves at this point. 

I just wish there had been a way to identify these type of people before i fell for one. They they could all be with each other ...


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> I just wish there had been a way to identify these type of people before i fell for one. They they could all be with each other ...


Too true!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> My wife swore to me multiple times that she had called it off with the OM while she worked through the divorce.
> 
> I discovered today that that is not true. I told her how much her continuing to lie when there is no reason hurt me (oops, i failed at the 180 again today). These people just cannot think of anyone but themselves at this point.


She lies because she isn't sure about the OM and want to keep you as plan B in my opinion .



> I just wish there had been a way to identify these type of people before i fell for one. They they could all be with each other ...


I wish that too

@Chopsy , stay strong and post here , it may help .


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

BigMac said:


> She lies because she isn't sure about the OM and want to keep you as plan B in my opinion .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Bigmac - The sad part is part of me wishes that were true. But I know my STBXW well enough. She doesnt do anything half-assed and doesnt look back. It is full steam ahead for her. 

Chopsy - I dont know about you, but i just keep reminding myself that other people have survived this and much, much worse. It doesnt help much, but sometimes the perspective is nice.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

BigMac said:


> @Chopsy , stay strong and post here , it may help .


Thanks BIgMac, I am feeling better today and tackling the garden, good to let some steam off. I am finding posting here very helpful, it gives me a place to vent and express my feelings, i will continue to do so.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Chopsy - I dont know about you, but i just keep reminding myself that other people have survived this and much, much worse. It doesnt help much, but sometimes the perspective is nice.


Lost, Ive gained a lot of perspective since being on here. Although its still painful and sucks, I've seen people going through all sorts of hell. My situation is difficult and and sometimes I feel like I can't go on. But we all feel like that from time to time, and the only I can do is get up and carry on. 

I am so grateful for the generousity and kindness I find on this site.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> I just wish there had been a way to identify these type of people before i fell for one. They they could all be with each other ...


 As long as it could be filmed and broadcast as a reality show so I could watch my ex suffer like I did. I'd have a new favorite TV show! :rofl:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

My H texted me yesterday and said he had been waiting for someone to pay him back and said he will be transferring money tomorrow, as early as possible. My SIL talked to him yesterday- I asked her to ask him about someone else and he denied it again. She doesn't think he's seeing anyone. He told her that the only person he sees is his friend Pat. He and Pat are very good friends. Ive met Pat a few times, hes very jovial and just lives for going to the races and my H also goes to the races everyday for work. I know he and Pat hang out whenever H is in Ireland. He seemed concerned about me and asked if I was going to hers for Halloween (she always has a party) and asked her to make sure I have a good time. I'm happy that he still thinks about me. She really thinks he's having a breakdown. I just wish he was here supported by his family and seeing a therapist. 

I am in a vey good mood today- sun is shining which always helps. I have more garden work to do so that will keep me busy.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Well it's up and down lately but mostly down. I was doing so well the first few weeks but I've really been struggling this week. I just wish he would talk to me. I'm struggling financially. We rent this house and the landlords were here asking for the rent which i don't have. H said the rent would be in Friday, but he's been unreliable that way. The landlords are returning to France on Monday so it has to be sorted before they go. Were already a month late. I'm tired of trying to b positive and hopeful and the180 and all that. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. I can't believe my H is going to leave me in this mess alone. Good start to the day, landlord banging on the door.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I've now emailed my mom and a couple friends. I've avoided telling anyone about it but for my own sake I need to. I need the support. The only one I've told so far is my SIL. I'm so tried of trying to be strong.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Lots of support coming my way from friends and family. Still in the hit financially. Miss my H. My mum just called from Canada, she's sending money over to me. I feel bad her doing that but it will be a help. 

I really feel I need to make a plan. I feel like I've messed up my entire life, I never did train or qualify in anything, I've always been a ditherer, taking this course and then that but never doing anything with it or taking it to the stage where I fold have I done something. H always encouraged me to do what I want, and I never had a lot of energy anyway for a job. How I wish I had one things differently. what a fool I've been. When or of H ones back, we have to make some changes. He has worked himself into the ground. I believe it's taken an enormous toll on him. Anyway I'd like to train for something ASAP. Bills need paying. My mother rang today and she was so shocked by my dmail. She is insisting on sending money his which I hate for her for do but I can't deny it will be a big help.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just retread y last post, my typing is appalling, it's this iPad and its predictive text. So annoying. 

Feeling better last few days. I've found my religion again. Several years ago I came upon Wicca and felt like I belonged. After a lifetime of searching for my spiritual home, and trying all the Christian religions, and finally Buddhism, all taught me something but never felt right. I did some reading bit didn't know how to go about it so ended up abandoning it. And now I've finally embraced it and it feels wonderful! So it has been hugely supporting for me and has already made a difference to me. Today's walk in the woods nearby felt even mor special than ever. I have always felt an affinity with nature and a longing to always find the nearest piece of wilderness I could. Anyway I have been in better spirits lately despite the lack of money, lack of heating in the house, bills to pay etc. I feel quite robust, my energy slowly coming back to me, and grateful for so much. This separation, although unwanted and hurtful, has made me assess who I am and what I want to live my life. It's been the push I needed to get off the oaf, meet new people, embrace the friends and family who have supported me so much.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Are you able to find work? 
Has he called or texted?
Do you have children?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi Indie

I haven't found work but still looking. He doesn't call at all, but be does text but just bout finances. And no we don't have children, I'm infertile due to a medical condition.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Finally getting some perspective on the whole thing. Like I always blame myself. It's not my fault. I have a part to play and need to make changes for myself but definitely not my fault. Anyway this line of thinking is rather childish I think. It's how it gets fixed that matters. 

I've been doing the 180 but the past week all that has fallen away and I'm just losing it. Need to get back to 180 and hang on for dear life. It's the only way forward. 

Have realised I have rights and needs. He just left me. I deserve better than that. I deserve respect and an opportunity to talk things through. And if he wants back, he is going to have to go into IC. Everything has to change. He isn't that open with me, a lot of times I can see he is unhappy or worried but he won't say why. And then I don't feel like having sex. Wow, just figured that out. I know I have my own issues to deal with and am seeing a counsellor Friday. I know I'm not perfect but I've always tried to support my H, help him,love him, be on his side. And I sure as hell didn't just abandon him. 

Feels weird and kinda good to get in touch with anger. I don't express anger too often. I'm always trying to protect people. Since he left me I only told one person , his sister. I was trying to protect him from people asking him questions. Well I've told everyone now. Tbh I needed the support.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Chopsy,
I have been following your posts and want to give you a vote of support and confidence. You are doing great. This is a very difficult time for you and you are trying hard to keep it together. The ups and downs are totally normal - you are going through a grieving process. Separation after being together for so long is a huge loss. Give yourself a break - give yourself time and space to feel what you feel.

Remember that whatever your H is going through is about Him - not about You. My husband is also in a MLC (married 16 yrs, no kids; separated for 10 months and are heading for D; no EA or PA that I know of). There is nothing that I can say or do that will change the fact that he LMBNILWM. Many people here have described the "fog" that people get into. I don't know if its a fog of denial or survival or self-interest or a mixture of all three. It doesn't matter. What matters is that it is a personal journey that he needs to make and you can't do it for him.

The key here is for you to realize that the 180 is not a game to play to get him back. The 180 takes the focus away from What He Wants and What He Needs and puts the focus on You. He is doing fine worrying about himself and his needs. And he is Not worrying about you. So you need to.

I know that he still cares about you e.g. asked your SIL to make sure you enjoy the Halloween party. But that is just to assuage his guilty conscience. If he really wanted you to enjoy the Halloween party he would man up and come home and deal with the situation. He would not leave you struggling to pay the rent.

Please Eat and Sleep and continue going to see a therapist and going to your meetup groups and stay active. Try to ask yourself what kind of work you enjoy. You may need to take whatever job comes your way in order to pay your bills. But try to think about what type of work you would ideally do based on your skills and interests.

The pain is a lot to bear and I know it is hard to get through the day. When you feel like emailing or txt'ing him write it out and then send it to yourself. Or put it in a journal. He knows how you feel - he just doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with you or his life right now.

Also when he txt's about pragmatics, e.g. finances - you do not need to reply to him unless it is absolutely necessary. And you don't need to reply right away like you are checking your fone every minute eagerly awaiting his meager contact. Try not to reply about anything personal. Try to draw your emotional support from your friends and family and not from him. He cannot be there for you now. Instead of txt'ing him, txt your friends or post here.

You can learn a lot from posts here and people are very supportive. I learned a lot from the posts of DaisyGirl41 (but her situation is different bec they have kids and he had an EA/PA). Also EleGirl is the expert at 180 do's and don'ts. 

Good luck on your journey. Remember - you are a good person and deserve to be happy and healthy and financially secure. I don't know what Wiccans believe in, but I believe that G-d or Nature or the Universe put you here for a reason. 

Please try extra hard to take care of yourself. You are worth it!

--dontpanic


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Dontpanic, thanks that post, really clarified things for me and made me more determined to keep on with my 180. I do deserve to be happy. I've stopped reading into things lik him assaying stuff to SIL if he's not talking to me, then it doesn't matter.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm still here, been all over forum lately. Kinda gave up on this thread, thought maybe as I wasn't heading to divorce (at this time anyway), that I didn't belong on this board. But th fact is I'm in a separation, typical or not, it still is what it is. 

I've successfully managed to distance my thoughts about H into a dark corner of my mind. I try not to go there, and the more I keep away, the more I keep away. It's not good for me to be dwelling on him, what he thinks, what he's doing, will he ever come back. I know it's out of my court, so I am dealing with what I can deal with. What's in my control is me and my life. Right now it's baby steps but I feel I am making progress. I'm still finding it hard to push myself into meeting new people but I am determined to push out of my comfort zone, bit by bit. Every small success is a big deal because it means I am moving in the right direction. I want to be confident and sociable. 

This weekend, I am going to a thanksgiving do someone I know puts on. In the past, I've avoided it because I was too cynical to appreciate all the heartfelt gratitudes from certain persons, it made me a bit queasy to hear all the sickly (to my cynical ear) platitudes and holding hands around the table and all the Christian prayers and such. I sound like a right judgmental jerk. Which I was. I've decided to go, mainly because it will be good for me and there will be lots of people I don't know. I also want to be more kind and generous and not so damn judgmental. I now appreciate what it is to be grateful, and I am grateful for so much in my life now. I've lost my cynical edge. I know it would also mean a lot to the hostess for me to go. It's all good. 

I have been to only one meetup so far and that was weeks ago so am going to one tomorrow. It's not a big group which helps. I find large groups intimidating so it's all about baby steps. I'm trying to be kind to myself and not throw myself in the deep end as that just puts the fear in me to never do that again. As long as I am doing new things and meeting new people each week, im happy. I'm very shy so it's a big thing to get out there. 

I've also started filming stuff and uploading to Facebook. I'm gong to start a video journal and maybe put that on my blog, which is also a new thing for me. Life feels exciting because I am growing all the time.

I truly am grateful for so much now, I appreciate every little thing in my life.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Choosy,

Thanks for checking in. Your growth lately is inspiring, especially to another introvert like me. When I move next week I've been telling myself I am going to get out there and learn to be more social, so I'm proud of what you aw doing and hope to do the same. 

I completely understand the bit about being uneasy and judgmental in those situations. I have always been the same ... I appreciate that other people find comfort in it, but it has never been for me. I wish it was, as so many people find comfort in it.

It sounds like are doing well and I hope you keep us updated.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

My husbands birthday is today. Last year I arranged a kickass surprise party for him. It was awesome. Was very tempted to call, but have now decided to keep to my 180,it's what keeps me on the road to recovery. I'm also happier, more grateful, and joyful (yes!) when on my180. I'm so happy I am strong enough to do whats right for me and take care of my needs first. 

Off shopping today to buy a cute outfit for a thanksgiving do my friend is organising tomorrow. She's American. I've not been for years, too cynical, too judgmental at all the sentimental stuffs and strange foods you Americans can't live without on thanksgiving! But I've had a revelation, this person who've I avoided for ages, is so generous and kind. She's very sentimental and emotional and that just used to wind me up but i see all the good she's does and her kindness now. People flock to her thanksgivings like crazy. Even so-called stoic Brits.LOL anyway I'm really looking forward to it. There will be loads of people I don't know and that will be good for me. I'm taking the dogs too, should be fun!


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Sounds like a blast Chopsy. I would love to go to a Thanksgiving this year with a bunch of Brits. Definitely let the bday pass and definitely get a hot dress for the party!

I've been thinking about how I'm going to approach meeting people and doing stuff now that I'm single... I think the movie "Yes Man" is where I'm going to start. Basically the premise is a guy (an introvert) decides he will say yes to every request/invitation for a year and he really lives life. 

I think back to how many invitations to do stuff I've turned down over the years because I wanted to only spend time with my wife and wonder how many good friends I never got to know.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Sounds like a blast Chopsy. I would love to go to a Thanksgiving this year with a bunch of Brits. Definitely let the bday pass and definitely get a hot dress for the party!
> 
> I've been thinking about how I'm going to approach meeting people and doing stuff now that I'm single... I think the movie "Yes Man" is where I'm going to start. Basically the premise is a guy (an introvert) decides he will say yes to every request/invitation for a year and he really lives life.
> 
> I think back to how many invitations to do stuff I've turned down over the years because I wanted to only spend time with my wife and wonder how many good friends I never got to know.


That's what I'm thinking of doing too! This is a start, something I normally would have said no to. I think it's a great idea. I reckon occasionally it might be the wrong thing to say yes too, but thats a small risk I'll take. I didn't know there was a movie by that name, shall have a look for it. (hope it ends well, lol)


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

It does.  

As for the things you probably should have said no to ... Most of those you'll recognize in advance (hey, come help be bury this guy ...) or will be able to extract yourself from when you realize you are in a bad position.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, it sure was nice reading about your progress since I lasted dropped by your thread! You sound so much stronger. Good for you for all the work you've done on yourself.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frost!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Was at a thanksgiving do on Saturday, found out by accident (someone said something that was supposed to be secret) that a month ago my H when asked where he was, aid he was at Sharon's apartment. He asked that I not behold because it would upset me. 
I'm pissed that said 'friend' kept this from me and protected my posH instead. 

Anyway it doesn't matter because I know and now I want to know everything. Unless he talks I probably won't, but I suspect he was up to something with this Sharon, otherwise why make it a secret. This whole time I thought he was having a MLC and I was emailing/texting him supportive messages, was protective of him, saying. I was there for him etc. what a fool I've been!! 

Not sure what to do now. Do I confront him? He won't talk to me so it's text or email (now I know why he won't talk to me!) do I lay low. Do I tell everyone I know? I don't actually know a lot at this point.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm with you on the "not knowing a lot" part. If there is one thing I've learned from all of this is I need to keep closer to my friends. 

Chopsy, I'm not sure that confronting him would do you any good. What would it accomplish? Would he stop because you now know (mine didn't)? 

The tactic I've taken is to tell people who asked the truth of what happened. I don't go out of my way to broadcast it, but I don't hide her affair for her when I'm asked either.

I found out "everything" yesterday (posted about it in my thread) and I can say that while I thought I wanted to know ... It didn't really help or change anything. If any good came of it, it was that now I can't be surprised by finding it out in the future.

At the end of the day all you can really control is you.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> My situation is difficult and and sometimes I feel like I can't go on.


You wrote that you like poetry, have you read The Despairing Lover by William Walsh? 

I have a tiny memory box that I keep my most sentimental notes in. I had kept that poem for half my life and I have no idea why. It finally proved to be useful, hopefully it will give you some hope too.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Along those lines I've been loving the message in Michael Jackson's "man in the mirror". The cover done by Justin Robinett and Michael Henry on YouTube is just genius (search robinett and man in the mirror on YouTube).


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

confused777 said:


> You wrote that you like poetry, have you read The Despairing Lover by William Walsh?
> 
> I have a tiny memory box that I keep my most sentimental notes in. I had kept that poem for half my life and I have no idea why. It finally proved to be useful, hopefully it will give you some hope too.


Thanks I'll have a look at that.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> I'm with you on the "not knowing a lot" part. If there is one thing I've learned from all of this is I need to keep closer to my friends.
> 
> Chopsy, I'm not sure that confronting him would do you any good. What would it accomplish? Would he stop because you now know (mine didn't)?
> 
> ...


 Sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I appreciate your support here.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Have just found out for sure that he is cheating on me and has been for several months. Have just texted him and emailed my terms and conditions. I will also be exposing. And of no reply from him, I will be filing. 

I know it's a cliche, but I never though he could do this to me. All this time he hasn't been talking to me- he left eight weeks ago and is in Ireland, shacked up with his pos*****. And yet h texts me he loves me. What a load of bull****. I'm angry but I'm also completely devastated. He left me with massive debts, in my name of course but he racked thm up. I haven't worked in years, am broke, and likely to be homeless soon as I'm renting and can't afford to pay th rent. He said he would continue to help me out but clearly his ***** is costing him. I have two dogs and three cats. I'm terrified. I feel I've my life is over.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

Chopsy,
Now more than ever you need to be strong. I see that you are now posting on the "Coping with infidelity" board which is very good. You will learn a lot there about what steps you should be taking to help yourself. 

I know that it hurts so much and you still can't believe it. But please remember that at least on TAM, you are not alone. There are other posters from the UK who know the laws there better, but I'm sure that there are social services and community resources to help you.

I'm so sorry that you had to experience this terrible pain. The life that you had until now is over. But your new life is just beginning.

Good luck, (((hugs))) -
--dontpanic


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm so sorry. Keep fighting and rise above it.
x


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm strangely calm now. I feel so relieved to have truth out. The not knowing was killing me. The truth will set you free..it really does. 

I may yet be in shock and I know I have a lot of healing to go through. As does my husband. He is a mess I don't condone or excuse what he's done. He is very remorseful.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Going through some ups and downs. I've been on the sofa for the last two days feeling sad and miserable. Today I decided that was enough, decided to tidy the office in my house which is a massive mess with two overflowing desks, boxes that haven't been touched since we moved three years ago, and so much clutter from my archaeology course, and my newspapers and books and gadgety manuals. Spent hours on it today and although it's still a bit messy it's much improved and I've gotten a real lift from doing it. Nice to take action, do something, anything! I've decided to focus on myself now. I've let my H know what I want and he will need to think about it and get himself out of his hole. I'm prepared to reconcile if he wants to. Our marriage has been good, not perfect, but good. Room to improve definitely and I think we could reinvent ourselves and our marriage. But I need to let him go and be patient and do my 180 to help me heal. Happy today.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Going through some ups and downs. I've been on the sofa for the last two days feeling sad and miserable. Today I decided that was enough, decided to tidy the office in my house which is a massive mess with two overflowing desks, boxes that haven't been touched since we moved three years ago, and so much clutter from my archaeology course, and my newspapers and books and gadgety manuals. Spent hours on it today and although it's still a bit messy it's much improved and I've gotten a real lift from doing it. Nice to take action, do something, anything! I've decided to focus on myself now. I've let my H know what I want and he will need to think about it and get himself out of his hole. I'm prepared to reconcile if he wants to. Our marriage has been good, not perfect, but good. Room to improve definitely and I think we could reinvent ourselves and our marriage. But I need to let him go and be patient and do my 180 to help me heal. Happy today.


Glad you're having a better day. I found that, when my H was gone, sorting through stuff, getting rid of a lot and organizing helped a lot. It gave me a sense of control when I didn't seem to have control over anything else in my life.

Make sure you take some time for yourself.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Definitely can't sit around.after finishing packing today I've done the same and I notice that I am much more "down" after 3 hours on the couch. Definitely hitting the gym in the morning after the bank. 

Good luck. I hope you get what you need.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Glad you're having a better day. I found that, when my H was gone, sorting through stuff, getting rid of a lot and organizing helped a lot. It gave me a sense of control when I didn't seem to have control over anything else in my life.
> 
> Make sure you take some time for yourself.


Thanks frost, I shall do!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Definitely can't sit around.after finishing packing today I've done the same and I notice that I am much more "down" after 3 hours on the couch. Definitely hitting the gym in the morning after the bank.
> 
> Good luck. I hope you get what you need.


Sitting around is bad news. I think I'll make a rule that if I'm on the sofa for an hour I have to get up and do something- fold some laundry, take the dogs out or do some training, organise a drawer, put some music on, etc. 

unless I'm watching some tv- comedy is good, fave films etc. I generally don't watch a lot of tv but do find it a good distraction. Distraction is good!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It's hard being patient, I just want to call him all the time. But I'm holding firm. Chasing and pleading isn't going yo help. He should be pleading with me! I'm changing the record, I refuse to be a doormat. Getting in touch with my anger helps but it doesn't come easy to me. Any tips anyone?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh I have finally tuned into my anger! Stbxh posted on Facebook that he is in a relationship and he has added his posOw as a friend. Omg that hit me like a ton of bricks. Devastated, I thought maybe he wanted to come back and work on our marriage but I can see now what a good I've been. I sent him a message saying good luck with his relationship and I can see he doesn't want to work on our marriage and I wont be bothering him from now on and then I blocked his ass. I told my SIL not to tell him I'm upset or sad, but that I'm doing wll and am moving on. I'm angry but I'm also so devastated. 

And all this time I've been withholding my feelings and anger because I was so concerned for him thinking he was having a breakdown. Ive been supportive and undrstanding despite what he's done to me. What an effin fool I've been. It's really hit me now. Ive been praying and fantasising that he would want to come back. 12 good years gone. And they were good, this last year he was very stressed but its been good and I haven't been delusional. I can't believe what a weak pathetic little man he has become. It is so hard. I wish I knew what kind of karma I am supposed to work through because this is so so hard. I feel so isolated and alone and lonely. It's hard when everyone else's life carries on and they're happy and content and looking forward o cHristmas. Al the support I have is some Facebook friends and my SIL who lives an hour away and has her own family and her own troubles. Most days I never see anyone or talk to anyone. Unbelievably hard. Today it feels like another kick to the gut, I've had so many I should be used to it but it hurts every time, this time worse than the rest.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Am falling to pieces. H hasn't paid the rent, terrified I'll be homeless soon. Last £60 went to petrol or the car. How can the man I loved deliberately hurt me like this? The pain is horrendous. When will things get better? Just miss him so much. I feel like my life is over.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

just posted on another page. someone commented that I am posting too much and it looks like attention seeking. Perhaps it wasn't meant that way, I don't know. I am very alone here. I have my sil who lives an hour from me and is in the process of leaving her ogre bf this week so she is very busy with that and her two teenage boys. I am no doubt very sensitive but it did hurt me alot. It made me feel I'm not really welcome here. perhaps I am too needy. I guess I will just post here from now on, don't want to bore anyone. I know there are others unhappy and coping with pain. I live by myself in the country and go days without seeing or talking to anyone. I know I rely on this forum too much. I have no friends locally, all my friends live far far away or in different countries. Maybe I should just stop being so effin needy and taking up space here, after all as I was told I am not the only one here hurting.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

thanks TheLoner, I think you are right about me in that I need to develop more independence. This whole business has just hijacked all my energy and thoughts. and I know he is in financial trouble, and very likely with seedy people. Some of the people in his business are definitely on the seedy side. I know my previous post sounded all desperate and despairing and needy. I am up and down like a rollercoaster. A short time ago this evening I sent a very brief two line email to him, saying good luck with his relationship and I am going to make it with or without him. that was it. maybe wrong thing to do? but it felt good, like I was releasing him and a little of the pain. It also gave me a feeling of control and even more determination to be strong and live a happy fulfilling life. I know I will have more ups and downs but it really gave me a boost to do that.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Down again today. Saw a pic of my H and the posOW looking so happy and loved up. She's pretty, big boobs.younger than me. He did text to say he will pay the rent in a few days. I said fine. Then half an hour later I couldn't help myself and sent a text back letting him have it for all the cruelty and pain he's done to me. So much for letting go. I really really need to stop being so reactive. Just let it go. I miss him so much still. Been tidying and organising the house and keep finding cards and notes from him in drawers and odd places, just breaks my heart as he was always so very loving with me and wrote the most romantic notes. He hasn't called and I've not seen him since he left. I imagine he can't face it, but I deserve a face to face at some point but I have no control over any of it. So very hard. I need to turn off my brain for awhile!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Must do my 180!! Lately I've been a basket case and reacting to everything little thing, trying to read meaning from a text about money, etc. and looking up pics of him answer, well it has to stop! It's not good for me, I don't want to know anymore details at this point. I just want to focus on myself and my animals, getting stronger all the time. I need to heal and I need distance to do that. Talk about backsliding. I've been chasing, begging,pleading, all the usual crap. Today I am here for myself.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Have finally found my anger! So effin angry now,am doing a super hardcore 180. He better be begging for forgiveness and on hands. And knees if he ever wants back. Ok thatsmy anger talking. Lol. I just received DR the other day and now have my plan in place. I'm also 100% dedicated to changing my life and myself. I'm in a really good place now and it feels awesome. I know I will live up to the name of my thread now, with or without him.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

It's difficult to let go and move on when you keep finding proof of the love he had for you. All those cards and notes must have been dreadful to find. I deleted my ex's emails, returned his beautiful photo's, threw out the notes. I will keep some functional items because I am a minimalist and don't have a whole lot. 

What are you going to do with your notes and such? You know, even if there is a way that you too could reconcile, you wouldn't need these old notes, you could have news ones. In the mean time, you could throw them out when you are ready and break free from the grief they are causing you.

x


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> just posted on another page. someone commented that I am posting too much and it looks like attention seeking. Perhaps it wasn't meant that way, I don't know. I am very alone here. I have my sil who lives an hour from me and is in the process of leaving her ogre bf this week so she is very busy with that and her two teenage boys. I am no doubt very sensitive but it did hurt me alot. It made me feel I'm not really welcome here. perhaps I am too needy. I guess I will just post here from now on, don't want to bore anyone. I know there are others unhappy and coping with pain. I live by myself in the country and go days without seeing or talking to anyone. I know I rely on this forum too much. I have no friends locally, all my friends live far far away or in different countries. Maybe I should just stop being so effin needy and taking up space here, after all as I was told I am not the only one here hurting.


I don't know who would say a thing like that, but they should be ashamed of themselves. I am so angry that anyone would treat someone like that.

Don't know which forum you were on, but my one foray into a different one shocked me. There was so much bitterness and it was smeared onto the posts of people who came looking for support. It was a poisonous atmosphere. And the venom was not only directed toward people who had made a mistake and looking for ways to make it right, but also a good deal of it was directed at women.

Those on this forum are supportive. When my H was gone, I spent a lot of time here. It was my lifeline. No-one ever said something like that to me. Stick with us, Chopsy.

Hug.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

confused777 said:


> It's difficult to let go and move on when you keep finding proof of the love he had for you. All those cards and notes must have been dreadful to find. I deleted my ex's emails, returned his beautiful photo's, threw out the notes. I will keep some functional items because I am a minimalist and don't have a whole lot.
> 
> What are you going to do with your notes and such? You know, even if there is a way that you too could reconcile, you wouldn't need these old notes, you could have news ones. In the mean time, you could throw them out when you are ready and break free from the grief they are causing you.
> 
> x


 I don't know, haven't thought of it. I found a few cards in a drawer I emptied today, they don't touch me now, I just file them away. Maybe i will toss them at some piping, could be quite healing.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Back again. I am so broke that my Internet and phone have been cut off. I am in McDonald's using their wifi, but have so little gas thathousing do this very often. Anyway decided to treat myself and come out for a cup of tea and a catch up. I suppose it's a good thing in that I am not emailing or calling H. It's like I'm on a retreat, lots of quiet time, just me and the animals. Ive been busy organising stuff, also doing a lot of reading and listening to music now and then. I've organised my bookcases, all three of them. Still a bit overflow do I'm doing a clear out to pass onto a charity shop. I am doing my kitchen cabinets next. But I must admit being alone so much does get wearing and a bit lonely. I feel very isolated, harder at this tim of year as everyone is busy with Christmas. I can't do decorations and such this year, so my house is bare. It feels like february to me. I am going to my SIL's for Christmas. She is moving into her new house next weekend. I have a small pile of gifts, mostly found or made. Have £10 left and I'm saving that for petrol. I'm surprisingly chipper and positive and grateful for everything and everyone in my life. I've not called or texted or emailed H for awhile now. I am healing, I feel stronger with every day that passes.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Glad you are moving in the right direction Chopsy. 

Do you have a source of income? 

Also I know how you feel with being lonely. I only know coworkers in this new city, and them only for a week. There is that though and I feel like I'll start to make friends soon. That's one of the two great non-monetary things about the job ... It eats up a lot of time and guarantees socialization.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm sure you'll make friends soon Lost. Even if it's just connecting for an after work drink it's an opportunity get out more. And you may meet someone you can hang out with the on the weekends. Be sure to shine and don't hide yourself away! 

I'm doing ok. No job yet. But I'm actually happy and at peace. Am doing a lot of reading which has been good for me. Watching some old films. Meeting up with SIL and will be helping her move this weekend. I'm thinking of doing some volunteer work. I've studied counselling so could maybe help with bereavement counselling or help at a hospital or cancer society etc. I feel strongly I want to help people. In fact I know that is what I want to do for a career, but it's hard to step into something like that without training and experience. I even get a buzz from buying a cuppa at McDonald's where I use their wifi as my Internet has been cut off, and donating the 12 pence chance into their collection box. I know everything is going to work out, I've been reading lots of books; DR has been helpful, and I've also been reading Steering by starlight which has been very healing. Life is good. I appreciate everything in my life. It's weird, I've never been this positive and happy in my whole life! xo


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm glad you have a support network local to you Chopsy. 

I definitely suggest you look into volunteering ... That an often turn into full or part time work. I would also look for admin jobs at counseling centers and therapists office, etc. you could get your foot in the door, while getting some money to get some education in the field to advance. 

I'm so glad you are doing so well Chopsy. Definitely inspiring!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Cheers Lost, that's very kind. Still up and down (bit down today) but its nice to have good days. Also working on a plan which helps.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Plans do help, and the good days become more and more common. 

Keep smiling and remembering downs always lead back up.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Texted H last night, in my pyjamas! Didn't someone say never ever text/call the ex if you're in bed or in pjs? If not, they should have. Was feeling a bit down because I'd been in a supermarket and was looking at the cards for a birthday card for my nephew and saw all the husband and wife Christmas cards which just broke me. And so I texted him. In bed, in pjs. Feeling extremely stupid and foolish now. I think I sometimes con myself into thinking that if I could say the right words he would come back. Needless to say, no response. 

I'm doing ok mostly but that's because I don't go out much and am not having to see all the happy jolly people looking forward to Christmas. I'm in town today and it's mad, everyone is sooooo happy and Im only in town to see a debt counsellor. Good times. Most of the time I even forget about Christmas as I don't watch tv and don't have it in my face all the time. Which is probably why I've done pretty well lately. One outing into town and I'm a mess. I effin hate Christmas! No that's not true, but it is hard, so so hard at this time of year. I know my therapist would ask is EVERYONE really happy? Ok maybe not. But all I see around me are couple shopping and friends conferring over this and that. It's hard to be alone. 

The debt counsellor was ok, not very friendly tbh. But he will be contacting all my creditors and giving them a heads up. My next priority is to get a job ASAP, any job, I want to get an IVA but I need to have an income of sorts. I didn't find him too helpful. I might go see someone else after the holidays.

I'm counting down to Yule, aka the solstice on Dec 21 as I am desperate for daylight. And it's a Wiccan festival. But Christmas leaves me a bit cold. I'm lucky as I will be going to my SIL and her nephews. But I'm doing it for them. My mother rang the other day and was desperate to know I wouldn't be alone over Christmas. I just don't care. I'm sorting a few small, mostly handmade gifts for them, but to me it may as well be February. I'm always shocked a little when I go out and see all the lights, forgetting what time of year it was. 

Am looking forward to 2013 and this wretched year will be over. Otherwise, couldn't give a sh&t


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Texted H last night, in my pyjamas! Didn't someone say never ever text/call the ex if you're in bed or in pjs? If not, they should have. Was feeling a bit down because I'd been in a supermarket and was looking at the cards for a birthday card for my nephew and saw all the husband and wife Christmas cards which just broke me. And so I texted him. In bed, in pjs. Feeling extremely stupid and foolish now. I think I sometimes con myself into thinking that if I could say the right words he would come back. Needless to say, no response.
> 
> I'm doing ok mostly but that's because I don't go out much and am not having to see all the happy jolly people looking forward to Christmas. I'm in town today and it's mad, everyone is sooooo happy and Im only in town to see a debt counsellor. Good times. Most of the time I even forget about Christmas as I don't watch tv and don't have it in my face all the time. Which is probably why I've done pretty well lately. One outing into town and I'm a mess. I effin hate Christmas! No that's not true, but it is hard, so so hard at this time of year. I know my therapist would ask is EVERYONE really happy? Ok maybe not. But all I see around me are couple shopping and friends conferring over this and that. It's hard to be alone.
> 
> ...


I'm with your mother. I'm glad you will have somewhere to go and people to be with (whether you want to or not). 

Is there a Wiccan group that you belong to? People you can connect with through that?

Good luck with the job hunt. It must be a difficult time of year to find something. What kind of work are you looking for?

Glad you're looking forward to 2013. That's a good sign.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Chopsy...

I'm HATING this time of year..hate going into the stores and HATE the damn holiday christmas music and the damn bell ringing guy...I am alone...completely alone this year. I don't have 'one' decoration up and I won't be. I have zero spirit and despise it all. I want it over and done with and it all to just go away. I can't get into it..it just makes everything worse.  It just needs to be over and done with..


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I totally agree Stella! Less than a week and it will be all over. It just sucks so much.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Not getting on here often at the moment. My SIL's moved out on the weekend and I've been busy helping her pack and move and now settle in. She's going through a tough time too and we are holding each other up as best we can. She has two boys and she wants me to go shopping tomorrow which I'm not really looking forward to but it will be a distraction. She said maybe we can have one almost normal day with no emotional fall out for either of us. 

My H is barely in touch, just regarding finances. I tried (I know, I'm a fool) to engage him a little today by texting how how are things going for him. No reply. It hurts so much, that he still won't talk to me to even communicate on a basic level. I know I just have to get over him but it's hard. All this time I've been hopeful but I guess I have to accept he will never talk to me and doesn't want anything to do with me. More pain to suck up. More rejection. He said to his sister (who he talks with) that he may drop in over Christmas but I know he won't want to see me. 

I've been lucky being able to help my SIL as it has kept me quite busy, but being home is really hard for me. Im so isolated and lonely. I have to deal with everything by myself. My debt counsellor suggested bankruptcy. I try to look forward but everything seems so bleak. I have tried so so hard to be positive and strong, and the longer this goes on the harder it is for me. Sorry, I know if you're reading this, same sh&t, different day.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

An hour on TAM is worth it's weight on gold! Feel more determined that ever to man up and live my life for me. I am tired, so tired of being held hostage by my thoughts. I just read Eternal Embrace's thread and it's really inspired me. I've been so weak at times, wishing and hoping the man I loved and married would show up. His replacement is a weak, little man who can't even face me to talk about what's happened. I hope he's feeling ashamed and guilty but one day he will need to man up and be accountable! I'm done making excuses for him, waiting for him to come out of his fog,even protecting his ass despite everything! I've been such a fool. 

I still would consider R but only on my terms. In the mean time I have a life to live. My SIL has been such a support for me, she's just moved into her new house, left her ********* bf, did the move while suffering with bronchitis, is now planning a surprise party for her son who turns 18 on Friday and doing all the Christmas stuff. On NYE her and I will be getting our glam on and dancing. Oh I am looking forward to that! She's my support and I am hers. I am very lucky. We are thinking of doing a burlesque class which starts in jan. and I'm going back to yoga with her too.i know this isn't much to many on here, but there are big steps for me. I know my progress has been slow, I find it hard to let go and can be clingy (why yes i am a cancer, does it show?) but I am sick to death of being that person. I know there is a better life for me out there, I just have to find it. Even a small step is a step forward.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

You mean douche bag is censored??


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Good for you Chopsy. Doesn't sound like your progress has been slow to me. It does take time, trust me, and we all deal with it differently. 

As for the clingy bit - you mean cancers are clingy? Wonderful, that explains my problems. What a brilliant quality for a man =P

Keep going out and doing fun things. It's helped me a lot. Just be careful with dating too soon ... It is great for the ego when things go good and can really set you back when they don't.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Cheers Lost, I appreciate your comments as always. I really feel like i have turned a corner now, im feeling more sociable and am excited about my future. However no chance of dating for a long time!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Been busy sorting a few gifts for my SIL and my nephews. It was the eldests 18th birthday today so we wnt out for a meal. I always start feeling down as I drive home (45min). Christmas eve tomorrow, supposed to be going over again, stay overnight. Not even sure if I can now as my dog suddenly refuses to get in the car and I can't lift him, he weighs 30kg. I don't care really. If I'm busy I with people it's ok but the minute I'm on my own I get so down. He told her he'd call in over Christmas, no doubt when im not there. I keep thinking I'm done with the pain but it keeps coming back. I'm struggling with the 180, don't now why he can't even call me, it's not like I'm a monster.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sounds like you are taking some very positive steps, Chopsy. I hope you can get your dog in the car. Christmas can be a hard time. Being with people who obviously care about you will help you get through it.

As for him calling you, what do you think would come of it. What do you hope would come of it?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I didn't call Frost, thank god, and nothing would come of it. I've of to remember that. It's always at night that I feel like that. Must learn to just distract myself, watch a. I'm or go to bed. The morning after is horrible, and today I'm so glad I didn't give in.

Today I am feeling like crap. Anxious and stressed, haven't got the boys much as I'm so skint. I'm sure I'll be better whn I'm at my SIL but right now I want to dive under the duvet and stay there. I keep thinking if the dig won't go in then I'll stay home. I just dont care. I have o make egg nog and mince pies and butter tarts and I feel like I'm going to let everyone down as I don't think I can do it.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Yeah I didn't call Frost, thank god, and nothing would come of it. I've of to remember that. It's always at night that I feel like that. Must learn to just distract myself, watch a. I'm or go to bed. The morning after is horrible, and today I'm so glad I didn't give in.
> 
> Today I am feeling like crap. Anxious and stressed, haven't got the boys much as I'm so skint. I'm sure I'll be better whn I'm at my SIL but right now I want to dive under the duvet and stay there. I keep thinking if the dig won't go in then I'll stay home. I just dont care. I have o make egg nog and mince pies and butter tarts and I feel like I'm going to let everyone down as I don't think I can do it.


Why do you have to make all that? Simplify. Pick the easiest and do that one thing well. Buy the others if you can, if not don't worry about it your SIL and her family want you, not the food We all put too much pressure on ourselves at this time of year and it does us no good. Be good to yourself. And get that darn dog into the car! Bribe him with his favorite treat. If that doesn't work, wrestle him to the ground and tie him to the roof. Whatever it takes. Don't stay at home by yourself.

Hug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Got the dogs in the car, my nephew came over to help me. Am still at my SIL's since Christmas eve. It's been nice. Nice pressies, good food. Love my family but it still doesn't feel like Christmas. I feel a bit vacant, am tryingto enjoy things but I feel like I'm not really here. Slept all afternoon today, am so tired. Tempted to stay on tomorrow and just sleep. Oh and my H asked my SIL to buy a gift card for a bookshop which she did and gave to me. Okaayy? Not sure why. I didn't get him anything nor did his sister. I was tempted some time ago but I'm further on the healing process and the 180 is my life. Ihe one thing I've really appreciate is having my caring loving. Family around me who didn't mind my nap and if I'm just a bit tired or not up to something. Have played a couple board games and now watching a film with a turkey sandwich and glass of port. Am a lucky lucky girl!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Found out my stbxh is with his wh0re for Christmas. And here I was thinking he was on his own!!!!!!!!! Omg i am such a fool!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly sent a angry raging text but held off, thank god. At least I am getting better at stopping myself from sending texts I regret later. It hurts still and makes me upset. Apparently he gave me the gift voucher because he felt bad not getting me anything. What a total *******. I think I'll see a solicitor in the new year as I am sick to death of it drama. I don't know if even want him back now. I deserve so so much better.im a great person. I can't wait for the time when I won't be so emotionally reactive like this. When I can hear what he's doing nd not give a sh&t. Can't wait for that day. Im just glad Christmas is over. I did all the Christmas things but more out of rote for my family. His family are totally on side with me. They all think he is total douche bag, from now on NC as best I can, I am also realising now he may never even come back to talk with me. I've never had a conversation with him since he left. Not one. Not a proper one anyway.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Feeling pretty good. Back home now. Busy cleaning and organising things. Finally cleared his stuff from the bathroom. I know, I should have done it before. Feels good now! I know i should clear out the wardrobe but still haven't done it. I guess the next step would be to have him come and collect his stuff. A few days before christmas he asked his sister to ask me to bring over two pair of boots to her house as he will be dropping by over the holidays. It pissed me off so much that I called him. Total waste of time. He can't even talk to me. Brought the boots to SIL's house. Annoyed but let it. Go. However if he wants more stuff he has to come here and get it. Since then I've just been doing the 180 and keeping NC. Told all my family to just say I'm doing great and moving on, if he asks. He's still in the fog. I'm moving on. Part of me wants to know how long he will be and what will happen. But I know I have to let it all go, all expectations and maybe even hope. I hate having my emotions hijacked! Focussing on myself 100% now, have much to do in my life...get a job, find volunteer counselling work, go back to school part time and finish my counselling diploma. I also want to try new things, will be signing up for burlesque lessons, get involved with canoe and kayak lessons, sign up at a gym and get my fitness back (looking for a good new years deal), take a weekend in London, be more in touch with friends and family, book a holiday at some point. Last year my H gave me vouchers for a holiday, they never got used and although they won't cover a holiday completely they will go some way towards it and I so deserve it! At one point I thought maybe H and I could go away on holiday after he came back. I now know that's a big IF and do I want him back is the question now. 

Im also planning on redoing the lounge and bedroom. No longer hampered by his bizarre taste, I can do what I want! Going to get new covers for the sofa ASAP for starts. Moving my bed tonight. I have sloping ceiling in my bedroom and we had the bed on the sloping side as it made more sense there but he kept hitting his head so we moved it. I am moving it back tonight.  better fend shui that way.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sounds like you are in fine form, Chopsy! Good for you! Up, up and away!


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

You are doing so well Chopsy.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frost and Confused! It doesn't always feel like that but I am getting stronger in myself day by day. I still get an occasional kik in the gut but I just let it go. The more detached I kept, the better I am. xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Still on the rollercoaster, feeling lonely and misrrable tonight. It's always in the evenings when things get bad for me, I'm more naturally cheery in the morning generally and my energy is low in the evening. Feeling like this is it for me. Im not the type that finds love easily. And every time I put the radio on in the car, I swear all songs are either about how much they love someone or how much they want someone back. Listening to classical more and more now. I seem to be triggering all the time lately. Stopped for cat food and a few essentials and they're STILL playing Christmas music and everyone is paired up and looks so loved up. I imagine that's what my H looks like these days. I keep trying to suck it up but I just can't anymore. It hurts. I feel like such a fraud on here saying how great everything us and the reality is this. My SIL already has two new admirers, one who sends her flowers all the time anonymously and another who s hanging out with her most evenings now. That's jut not me, I don't draw attention like she does. I'm scared this is the rest of my life. When does this stop hurting so much??


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Same here. I was in the store too and an ancient song came on that sucked me right back into pre-marriage days when everything was bliss. Then the stomach punch hit and I felt like I needed to double over.

We trigger at different times, you in the evening, me in the morning. By evening, I'm beat. Last night I was up at 1:30am.....thankfully, I had TAM to keep me company.

You'll find love again, if you open yourself up to it and maybe even if you don't! Just weed out the bad from the good and you'll be fine. it happened once, so it can happen again and this time you'll be going into it a lot wiser.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just getting over the flu, nice way to see in the new year. Maybe next year I'll go out dancing. 

Sent H a text asking if he was paying the rent, replies it will be a few weeks late. Of course I have to deliver the news. I asked why and he said he owes a lot of people money. He also said we need to meet soon and that he is definitely not coming back. 

I had always held out hope we might R one day but that hope is fading fast. I don't know if he is still seeing posOW,I have a feeling he might not. But I don't know. Never has he apologised. Well I'm definitely not going to bed or plead. What's the point? In the meantime I need to find a new place to live. My lease is up in April and I can't afford the rent here. I also have a crap credit rating now due to him leaving me with all th debts and no money to pay. So I'm looking at housing associations and hope I can find something in time. Now that I'm finally getting over this flu, need to find a job ASAP. So hard when you haven't worked in years or have any training. I'm 48. Tough to start over from nothing.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just taking positive steps is good though right!

It's tough for work atm but in the past I found being willing to do whatever work there is rather than looking for specifics can go a long way towards getting work. Doesnt mean not aiming for the right work but taking on whatever is available to get started has worked for me. I was out of work and ended up in retail, pretty much stacking shelves and sitting in a till just to get back to work. I made it work though and until I went back to Uni in September had progressed to management.

Age may poay a part but you will have any life experiences that you could make work for you in a work environment. Don't down play skills you have developed outside of work.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Good advice, KC.

Choppsy, don't agree to meet with him until you are ready. And by ready I mean feeling strong and confident. Don't let him see you sad and weak. Fake it if you have to. Leave him with an image of someone who is a beautiful, desirable woman......not necessarily in a physical sense, but in personality-wise. Show him the good that he is throwing away. Keep your head up, shoulders back........and walk away that way. Let him eat his heart out.........and choke on it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frost. I'll try to be that person. Right now I feel weak and sad and quite despairing. I had been so hopeful throughout this whole thing and then I received that text that he is definitely not coming back. It seemed so clear headed and decisive, not like mumbling two or three word texts I've been receiving. 

I feel like I've lost all hope now. This is my life. We had a good marriage. We were close, we talked. And bam, it's gone. I know he will be prepare for that meeting and will be cold and calm. I just can't believe he decided just like that. I'm utterly hopeless now and heart broken like all over again.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Bit of a change, I'm done done done with his as$. The posOW can have him. I deserve a million times better and am finding my self respect to expect only the best. I will never sell myself short again, or put up with crap ever again. I deserve to be adored. Watching King Kong this afternoon with my nephew and SIL. I pointed out that he is better than most men in that he is protective and actually listens. LOL! 

I really feel I am on the cusp of many new exciting changes. I know my new life will be awesome because I am making that way. Done with just putting up with whatever is handed to me in life. I've learned so so much here and owe everyone here everything.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Bit of a change, I'm done done done with his as$. The posOW can have him. I deserve a million times better and am finding my self respect to expect only the best. I will never sell myself short again, or put up with crap ever again. I deserve to be adored. Watching King Kong this afternoon with my nephew and SIL. I pointed out that he is better than most men in that he is protective and actually listens. LOL!
> 
> I really feel I am on the cusp of many new exciting changes. I know my new life will be awesome because I am making that way. Done with just putting up with whatever is handed to me in life. I've learned so so much here and owe everyone here everything.


Good for you, Chopsy! You are absolutely right. You deserve so much better. Go for it! :smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Cheers Frosty! I really appreciate you cheering me on! You've been such an awesome support! xox

Anyway I'm not on here much lately, am getting out a lot more now. I made myself get out to a few meetups, I was so nervous but couldn't take sitting at home anymore. It's been fab meeting new people! Went to a comedy night last night, yoga this evening. A friend is coming up sat so hopefully get out on the town! 

Went shopping today and got a flat pair of boots for walking and a sexy pair which I am freaking mad about! I can also walk in them and feel like a million bucks wearing them! 

I'm also now immune to all the breakup/love songs on the radio. One idea I had at the time, which I may yet do, is make a mixed cd of happy songs that make me happy. Then you can avoid triggering to all the sad love songs out there, esp the happy love songs! thought I'd post that idea or none struggling. Chin up peeps, it gets ALOT better! 

My new fave song of the moment is Titanium. I might download a recovery song list too.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Sent my h an email today. It was about my feelings and thoughts, the pain I've gone through. It won't make any difference, I know that. I usually write emails and then don't send them, just a way for me to vent. But this email felt right for me to send for my own healing. I suggested he get into counselling and find a way to be happy. Life is short. The man I loved is gone. He may never come back. I have a life to live and need to find my own healing now.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Bit of a change, I'm done done done with his as$. The posOW can have him. I deserve a million times better and am finding my self respect to expect only the best. I will never sell myself short again, or put up with crap ever again. I deserve to be adored. Watching King Kong this afternoon with my nephew and SIL. *I, pointed out that he is better than most men in that he is protective and actually listens. LOL! *
> 
> I just totally busted out laughing here at work....everyone is looking at me....ROTFLMAO!
> 
> I really feel I am on the cusp of many new exciting changes. I know my new life will be awesome because I am making that way. Done with just putting up with whatever is handed to me in life. I've learned so so much here and owe everyone here everything.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Ok the above didn't post quite right...new on the iPad ...


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Sent my h an email today. It was about my feelings and thoughts, the pain I've gone through. It won't make any difference, I know that. I usually write emails and then don't send them, just a way for me to vent. But this email felt right for me to send for my own healing. I suggested he get into counselling and find a way to be happy. Life is short. The man I loved is gone. He may never come back. I have a life to live and need to find my own healing now.


Glad you found some catharsis, Chopsy. You are on your way. Good for you!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Feeling down today. Missing him. Some days it's just so hard to believe he hasnt come back. If Im honest I was hoping he would read my email and wake up from his fog. I wrote it over several times. I wanted to be clear and calm. I made it clear how much he had hurt me. I took all the bile and bitterness out as that's not who I am. And how much I had hoped he would come back. I'm home alone today. I really need to find a job, I'm sure if I was working it would help me. I have been getting out more and have a few things planned this week. I'm a lot better than I was months ago and I'm stronger and more confident. But the pain still hasn't gone away. We were very close, it's hard to lose my best friend as well as my husband. His workaholic behaviour and inability to face his issues really dragged us down the last year. And I was depressed and relying on him when I should have been looking after my own needs. Our sex life was dying a slow death. But it still hurts because I know we could have learned from our mistakes and made a new, stronger marriage with two self-reliant and happy, confident people. I still care about him and I wish he would go into counselling and find the strength to face his issues. His sister in law says he doesn't seem happy. But these are things he needs to sort or himself. I can only look after myself.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I feel your pain.

>hug<

I am often lost in the pain because I remember only the fondest memories. But, back in my head I know that if I could remember the darker times just as well then it would be easier to move on. I'm not there yet...

Everyone has goodness in them. Our ex's are unique, therefore irreplaceable. Loss is so hard! Only you two know what you had, it is so hard to let go of someone who has become a part of you.

Surely though, we are only focusing on the good things we lost. What about all those things we don't have to put up with anymore...?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Stay strong Chopsy.

Try not to worry about the pain, instead look at the progress you feel you have made. You can do it and I'm sure you will.

As someone now dealing with his depression and other issues I have to say you are spot on. You 'could' try and fix him but you will just become a bitter resentful crutch and you know what he probably won't thank you for it. This is the voice of experience. It is only since embracing my issues and the need to deal with them that I can see what I was doing before and what I put my wife through. Until he wakes up to the reality of what he needs to do, all you can do is work on yourself.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

confused777 said:


> I feel your pain.
> 
> >hug<
> 
> ...


I do remember a lot of good times, it's true.the last year was the hardest, as he was going through so much stress and I was depressed (and didn't know it). Oh and he cheated. It's tough. We never argued too much, we had so much fun together and were genuinely close. 

Yes of course there are things I don't have to put up with and I do try to remember these things. It's a good thing to remember and there was a thread on social in the same vein that I posted on. 

Thanks for reminding me to look at the positives a bit more. xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Stay strong Chopsy.
> 
> Try not to worry about the pain, instead look at the progress you feel you have made. You can do it and I'm sure you will.
> 
> As someone now dealing with his depression and other issues I have to say you are spot on. You 'could' try and fix him but you will just become a bitter resentful crutch and you know what he probably won't thank you for it. This is the voice of experience. It is only since embracing my issues and the need to deal with them that I can see what I was doing before and what I put my wife through. Until he wakes up to the reality of what he needs to do, all you can do is work on yourself.


Thanks KC, i have come a long way from where I was three months ago. I'm proud of how Ive coped and that I have learned so much about myself. I'm a better person for sure. I know I need to find my happiness in myself and not rely on others to make me happy. I relied on my H too much. I definitely had co-dependent aspects in me and I still need to work on that. I KNOW I cannot fix anyone, nor can I make anyone seek help if they don't want to. 

It's a lesson I need to learn because ultimately I want to finish my training as a counsellor. Self-care is essential in the helping business! And in real life too! I never did a lot of self-care before as I was too busy looking after others which I see now as a distraction technique to avoid looking after myself and dealing with my own issues. See, I really learned a lot! 

I have two dogs and have put an ad up for the youngest. She is five years, a springer spaniel, and she really needs a a family. My old boy won't play with her and she even tries to play with the cats. She needs a proper family with kids and maybe a dog. I've never had to do this before, I've had her since April last year and I can't give her what she needs. Im hoping to be working full time soon and she won't cope well with that. I have very high standards and hope I can find the perfect family for her. She really deserves it. 

Otherwise I'm just getting on as best I can. While posting the ad today, I uploaded a pic or two, but had to wade through loads of pic of H and me, from summer, not long ago, both of us looking loved up and happy. That was hard to see those pics again. 

I'm going to a book group tomorrow evening and haven't read the book yet. Will start on it shortly. I'll be nervous tomorrow but I'm getting better at these things. It's always good to get out, does me a lot of good.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Don't get down too much... as others have said you've come a long way in short time. We all have setbacks from time to time - I had a bad trigger myself yesterday. We just need to remember that there will be backslides occasionaly - it's how we deal with them that matters.

And look at you - recognizing your own codependant traits - that's more than I can do. I mean, I know they're there but dealing with them is sometimes super hard for me. Be proud that you can see them and you're taking the appropriate steps to cope with them.

I, too, have thought of contacting or sending an email like you said you did - and for the same underlying reasons, hoping he'd come out of his fog and see what is really there - and even thou I wish his reply would be genuine and loving I know that in the end it would all be more lies and BS so I've chosen not to make myself susceptable to the rejection and lies all over again.

Keep on keeping on, girlie!!! We've all been thru hell and it's gonna be along journey out - and you know what they say... idle hands are the devil's play thing (I believe that true of idle minds as well as that's when they tend to work against us) - meaning it's must easier to go thru all this crap when we're busy and not thinking about it... it's the down time that really bl0ws.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hey EE, thanks for the support! Yeah being home alone sucks, so I am redoubling the job search efforts! Also arranging more nights out too. 

Just texted my H about the dog I've put up an ad for, I let him know in case he wanted to see her again before she goes to her new family. He said he is skint (broke) and can't afford to travel anywhere. He said he owes a lot of money, I suspect some of them may be dodgy. His business is in horse racing and there are a few dodgy sorts in that line of work. I hope he's not got himself into too much trouble. 

I texted back that I could meet him somewhere and bring her along. I also said (get the 2x4s ready) he could move back to my house and stay in the guest room and save rent and expenses on the flat where he is living. He probably won't go for it but I do still care and if I can help I will. I'd be surprised if he went for it, although financially his hands might be tied.. I also said he could help out with chores and such in lieu of paying me anything. I think he would have to be on the streets before he went for this tbh. Oh well, offer is open of he wants it. Probably too generous of me but I hate to see him so down on his luck. It's all his doing but he's had a lot of bad luck too and people screwing him over. I made it clear I am not trying to 'get him back'.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

The dogs let me sleep till 8am this morning, not much of a lie in but I'll take it! Got an appt for my car to have the smashed wing mirror repaired Friday morning. Also made an appt with the dr to review my anti-depressants. I'm feeling a lot better but think its best I stay on them for awhile, it's only been a few months. I think the usual minimum is six months. 

Heavy frost here this morning. Am having weird dreams about H all this week. Nothing to do with my 'offer', all very weird dreams, nothing based on reality. 

However I do think dreams can be useful to help work through stuff so I'm going to track them as best I can and try to analyse them a bit. I'm pro-Jung on dream analysis.

Thought about my offer. No reply from H, not surprised. I know he wont take it, but I feel good for offering. It feels good to be kind even to someone who's hurt me. Makes me feel a better person for it. 

If he ever did go for it, I would need to ensure I am completely solid in myself, self-reliant and secure and have strong boundaries. I've identified my co-dep tendencies and am quite vigilant with myself now. I know allowing myself to be co-dep is a way of taking the focus off my own issues and focussing on someone else who should be sorting their own issues too. 

It would have been good for me, in that he could help with the garden which requires a lot of work, and I believe I would take pleasure in showing off how much Ive changed and how hot I'm looking now, a bit of self-care goes a long way! And he could look after the animals if I wanted a night out and I could stay over at friends or go away for weekends! Oh that would be a treat! 

Also a fantasy..so back to reality for me. I've got my first book group tonight, read the book yesterday so am looking forward to it. In cold weather like this, it's tempting to stay in but it does me so much good to get out as I am home a lot anyway. And I like having things to look forward to.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Book group was a bit sh1t last night. Got lost finding the place, walked in, sat down and nobody even said hello. Woman beside me flinging her hands around and nearly whacked me a couple times. I was sitting on the edge and so much noise from the coffee machines I could hardly hear what people were saying. I did make a few points about the book, but it felt like a cold group, everyone left as soon as discussion ended. Not sure I would go back. Book was good tho. 

Feeling really down this morning. Dogs got me up. It's freezing here, big blizzard coming too which sucks. Hope it misses me and I can still go out. Have ice skating booked sunday with a Social Anxiety group. 

Just so down today. Finding it hard to see the point in anything. No reply from H,as expected. I'm done with him. I'm done trying.i don't care anymore. I'm 48, getting more wrinkles day by day, feel like I'll always be alone. How do you even meet someone? I just feel so tired of trying, really what is the point? Have no friends, have only his family but they're all busy in themselves. My SIL already has a new guy. She invited me out with the two of them, boy that's going to bolster my self esteem being the third wheel, given the pity invitation. 

Have yoga tonight, SIL just called to make sure I am going. The yoga teacher does mentoring, my SIL goes and says she's very good. Not a trained counsellor but very wise, cheap too. Seeing as I'm still on the never ending waiting list to see a counsellor, maybe I should try Linda, the yoga teacher. It is the very best yoga class I've ever been. Shes very kind and caring too. 

Just went through all my phone messages..ive had so many people chasing me for money I haven't got, I kind of just let the answering machine take the calls. Tony, my debt counsellor finally called. I'm booked to see him next Friday. I don't much care for him and I know what my options are, bankruptcy or hold them off as long as I can. Thanks to my ex, I'm £30,000 in debt, and don't even own a house! 

Going to have a bath. Have an appt this afternoon to see the nurse for a blood pressure reading (it's for a medication I take), my bp is always normal so not bothered, just an inconvenience. Still, it will get me out (sad business when you look forward to a nurse appt to get you out!)


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had my bp taken, it's quite low 97/66, but she said as long as I'm not getting dizzy, it's fine. 

Yoga is cancelled. I'm gutted. Not sure when the snow is coming, a few snowflakes coming down now. SIL invited me over for dinner but not sure if I should go. Might wait for the news and see what they say. It's a bit vague online. 

I find the media usually tries to induce panic and hysteria in these situations. I don't trust media. Likely the shop shelves are emptying of essentials as I write this. Some say it will be a foot of snow, which would make me housebound. I live in the country and my drive is up a slope, so no chance if any snow on it. Two years ago we were housebound for almost a week. I'm going to put a film on and make another cup of tea and check the situation later.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Hey, babe!

Sorry the book club sucked - any chance you can maybe find another one? A more friendlier one perhaps?

Sounds like you're just having a really crummy day - just try and make the most of it that you can even with the incoming weather... get another good book or have you a movie marathon with maybe a glass of wine? Bubble bath maybe? Anything that'll lighten your spirits.

And don't be so hard on yourself with the dating thing... I'm 30 and I feel the same way sometimes... it's hard to get out and meet new people just don't let it discourage you - you gotta keep on keeping on, darlin'!!!

Maybe going out sometime with SIL & her husband might not be so bad... maybe they could even help introduce you to new people, too - you don't necessarily have to look at you going with the as being a 3rd wheel cause a good time is what you make of a situation!

Good luck and I'll keep my fingers crossed that the snow isn't too deep for ya!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Feeling sick...I did something stupid and checked my stbxh's FB acct and saw that his posOW no longer lives in Ireland, she now lives in Bristol with my H!! All this time I was thinking at least he was in Bristol on his own and she was in Ireland so maybe there was a chance he would snap out of his fog. And I just offered him to come live here if things were tight and I also offered to sell a travel voucher to raise a bit of cash from him! Oh I am such an idiot! Feeling just horrendous now. Another kick to the gut. I wish I could stop hoping for him to wake up.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

So depressed now, just don't feel like anything left in me. Feel like my life is over. No, I won't top myself, have my animals her. Otherwise I'd be considering it. I know thats stupid and I love life but the pain now is even worse than d day. I bet he's laughing it up with his wh0re, I'll bet they're soooooo happy and loved up. I'll be she's not working, no wonder he can't pay my rent. I'm so scared. If he doesn't pay my rent, me and two dogs nd three cats will be homeless. I can't afford the rent here. I cant afford to move, I have a crap credit rating so no one will ever rent to me ever. I kept thinking he would snap out of this. I am such a fool. I feel so alone. I just want him back. I know that's wrong, I just can't help myself. I can't understand how he can hurt me so badly.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

No...more...looking at his fb stuff or checking on him. That's the end of that. You need to recover from your discoveries and get mentally healthy...you have it rough yes. But you were going down such a better road for yourself. This is a set back.. no..more...looking. And yea.. you offered him a place...and you felt good doing it. etc etc...but now you know...and now your 'done' with that. It's 'ok' Chopsy...the world didn't end. He's a jackazz...let him go be his jackazz self. 
Keep doing all the stuff you been doing for yourself...I was reading your posts here just impressed with all the scheduled stuff your doing...heck I gotta go to 'menards' to just 'get out' yanno. 

As for finances...job wise? You lookin? You may have posted back about that and I didn't see it...What about financial assistance of any kind? Food shelves are awesome to volunteer for...'and' get food from as well...saves on money...no shame in that. Tellin' ya. More money for the pets food and care...nothing wrong with that. 

The bankruptcy is a good idea...starting fresh always is...if that's an option for you. 
Back to job...even a little one...something...gas station attendant ...cashier somewhere...Target...Walmart...stocking shelves...anything...something...are you trying? (again you may have posted you are and i haven't seen it  

You seem so motivated in the other areas of your life...you need to stay that way...like I was saying I really like how you schedule yourself to be so busy doing stuff...it made me actually think about how I should start that meetup thing I read so much about on here...also online dating...would you ever consider that? To meet new people as well? (if your ready I mean...) ... 

big bear hug to you....i wish I was there..


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Feeling down today. Missing him. Some days it's just so hard to believe he hasnt come back. If Im honest I was hoping he would read my email and wake up from his fog. I wrote it over several times. I wanted to be clear and calm. I made it clear how much he had hurt me. I took all the bile and bitterness out as that's not who I am. And how much I had hoped he would come back. I'm home alone today. I really need to find a job, I'm sure if I was working it would help me. I have been getting out more and have a few things planned this week. I'm a lot better than I was months ago and I'm stronger and more confident. But the pain still hasn't gone away. We were very close, it's hard to lose my best friend as well as my husband. His workaholic behaviour and inability to face his issues really dragged us down the last year. And I was depressed and relying on him when I should have been looking after my own needs. Our sex life was dying a slow death. But it still hurts because I know we could have learned from our mistakes and made a new, stronger marriage with two self-reliant and happy, confident people. I still care about him and I wish he would go into counselling and find the strength to face his issues. His sister in law says he doesn't seem happy. But these are things he needs to sort or himself. I can only look after myself.


You’re right, you can only look after you. And it sounds like you’re doing a good job of it. There will be downs, but there will be ups too and one day the ups will outnumber the downs.

Hug.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

It's been the worst day and night since d day. I've cried all last night and today. I realise now all hope is well and truly gone. I had been carrying a seed of hope all this time. I feel empty now. At 4pm I had a bath and wiped my tears and went out with the dogs in the snow. I'm snowed in here now, which is a bummer as I am all alone. I need to make a plan. I need to heal. I need to find work. I will likely need to move soon too. Thanks Stella and Frost, your posts meant so much to me today. I'm going to be ok. I hit rock bottom, it hurt so much I thought I was going to die from the pain. But I'm back. It's like having hit bottom and come out the other side, I feel a tiny bit stronger for it. I feel empty and peaceful, will go to sleep now, my life begins anew now. xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

First thing this morning i blocked that selfish, cheating lying motherf*cker i used to call my husband off my FB. Man that felt good! Posted about it too, suggested mutual friends do the same,but that's up to them. 

Still snowed in, going to shovel the walk and see if the drive can be done. It's a long steep drive, unfortunately. I could get out but not back up. I think I have some grit I can spread too. 

Proper dog walk. Tidy up. Bag his sh1t up. Make soup. That's my plan for today. 

Someone said I'm in stage five of KublerRoss, which is acceptance and now the real healing can start!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Great to see you looking more positively again Chopsy. Chin up.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks KC! It's been tough getting here but I feel I'm in a pretty good place.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Pissed off. Mutual friends still friends with him. I know, I shouldn't even be letting this bother me. He has had absolutely zero consequences for what he's done. the minute you express anger, people don't want to know. I just feel so let down and angry now. Not by him, by so-called friends. They're all on side when it comes to giving advice, but the second I suggest they dump my stbxh, they clam up. my question...can your friends be real friends if still on terms with the ex?? 

I remember years ago, a friend broke up with cheating partner and I stopped all contact with her ex as I was on her side. Guess its too much to ask. Just.pisses.me.OFF!!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Your still focused on too much control of others. A lot of times most just want to stay out of it even though it makes sense to us to have them side with 'us'...the one that was good. Takes a lot of energy for you to focus on all those fb people/friends and so on and what their choices are. 
Ignore them. Start posting positives about 'you'...good stuff about 'you'...start showing your strengths...let them and 'him'...(not that he's on there anymore and not that he should be) that you control you. Show how your going to be 'ok'...because you ARE. 

It's going to suck hearing this next line from me...ok...
but stop being so pissed off about what other people are doing and what their choices are. 
Too much negative energy...your flip floppin'...ya...I know its hard not too...ha...I do it too...we all do...easier said than done...I know...
but you know how to make good...you really do...so...make more good!!! Your such a great chick...you really are...remind yourself of that more will you please??


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I already woke up and realised how much energy I was putting into this. And I always said I'd never make anyone choose. As you say, pretty negative stuff. It's not me. Thanks for the post, thanks for saying what needed to be said. You're right, I want to be positive and happy and send out positive vibes. Wow, Stella you're good at this! Now I know who to call if I need an ass kicking!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I already woke up and realised how much energy I was putting into this. And I always said I'd never make anyone choose. As you say, pretty negative stuff. It's not me. Thanks for the post, thanks for saying what needed to be said. You're right, I want to be positive and happy and send out positive vibes. Wow, Stella you're good at this! Now I know who to call if I need an ass kicking!


I take in so much from your positive posts as well lady...

so ... yea... I need you strong!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Shovelled most of the drive. Went out for a few essentials, and got back up the drive before it iced over. 

Not sleeping well lately. I ALWAYS sleep well so it's quite annoying. Spent the evening looking at home decor websites, dreaming of when I can afford to redo my lounge. Feeling a bit anxious, hardly any money left now, no job. Stbxh still hasn't paid my rent but I'm sure he's paid his. I can't burn my bridges with him as he is supposed to be paying the rent, and helping me out. He's really broke, working hard but it's been difficult. Doesn't help that he has to pay his expenses and flat rent. His gf is living with him, not working, natch. I know I'm not the priority here. He has said he has been in contact with the landlord, who is very understanding, but there is a limit. The snow here doesn't help as most races have been abandoned. That's how my ex makes his living. It's just so difficult. I'm scared, a little. I'm trying to be brave but it's hard. I'd like to stay in this house but I can't afford the rent. Even if I got a job tomorrow, it would be very unlikely I would earn enough to stay. My lease is up in April. My credit rating is shot due to my ex leaving me with all the debts. I'm facing bankruptcy and no landlord wants to rent to someone like me, ****e credit rating and two dogs and three cats. I wish I cold just hash things out with my H but he won't talk to me. 

I posted an ad to sell the younger dog, but no replies. Part of me is happy as I don't want to sell her but it's for her own good. She won't cope well with me working full time. And she deserves a family, with kids and maybe a dog. My old boy doesn't play with her at all. I know he will miss her tho. And I will too. I just don't know what to do. I could post on Gumtree, someone told me its a good place to advertise for pets. She is so lovely. I've never had to give up an animal. And whoever gets her will be well vetted by me. Just breaks my heart. 

It' feels like there are all these things I cant do anything about, and they all scare me. Getting a job at 48, when I've not worked in years- and how my animals will be affected if in fact i ever get a job. What happens if i cant find anythimg? What will happen to me living here? I can't get council housing or housing association housing as I don't qualify- you pretty much have to have kids and be homeless. 

I'm trying to dig into my healing and all that good stuff, but at night all my problems haunt me. I'm effin terrified to be honest. My H asked if I could sell a few things to help him and I agreed. I just hope none of that money goes to paying for their lifestyle. I probably shouldn't have done it, I could use the money too but I need him to be able to pay my rent! Oh this just sucks!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

That last entry I wrote at 2am in the morning. All my dilemmas haunt me at night and I can't sleep. However I am going to do a meditation tonight and some yoga before bed, and hope this helps. I will also do some journalling tonight. 

I'm always so much better during the day. I don't feel hopeless. Yes my situation is complicated and I am in a bit of limbo and transition, but I am done getting upset about it. I no longer have any expectation about any outcome. All I can do is work on myself, be happy and work towards my future. I've been in contact with my H and we've talked about our financial situation and he insists he will continue to help me and any money I send to him will only be used to earn more for me. Although conducted by text, this is the most he's talked with me. I am calm and not seeking anything from him. I wish him happiness in his life. Things are very difficult for him and I can't think he's very happy but none of it is my business. He said not to sell my pearls which I offered to. It's good to be in contact in a calm sensible manner.

I love him and care for him, and I believe he feels the same, although he is now with his girlfriend and I hope he is happy with her. I only want to find stability and happiness. 

I am writing poetry again, I haven't written in ages. It feels just wonderful! I've missed being creative. I hope to stay here this year and grow my own veg. I've attempted before but the slugs wore me down last year and with my archaeology degree course,I had little time. I think I could do better this year and make a plan to beat the slugs. Although its so cold here, I'm really looking forward to spring. Despite all my troubles, I feel quite positive things will work out. I've got a things to sort for myself, mainly finding work. I've got a lot to do but feeling negative won't help me so I try to keep as positive as possible.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Went to see my personal trainer for the first time in months. Did some mobility movements and sports massage to ease my tight muscles. Ouch! But so good to go back! He also is a life coach and NLP expert so did a brief coaching session and he's emailed me some stuff to help work out some goals. Luckily I had bought a credit package ages ago and have enough credits for 8 sessions. I always find his sessions so positive and it's great to be back into it!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Chopsy said:


> That last entry I wrote at 2am in the morning. All my dilemmas haunt me at night and I can't sleep. However I am going to do a meditation tonight and some yoga before bed, and hope this helps. I will also do some journalling tonight.
> 
> I'm always so much better during the day. I don't feel hopeless. Yes my situation is complicated and I am in a bit of limbo and transition, but I am done getting upset about it. I no longer have any expectation about any outcome. All I can do is work on myself, be happy and work towards my future. I've been in contact with my H and we've talked about our financial situation and he insists he will continue to help me and any money I send to him will only be used to earn more for me. Although conducted by text, this is the most he's talked with me. I am calm and not seeking anything from him. I wish him happiness in his life. Things are very difficult for him and I can't think he's very happy but none of it is my business. He said not to sell my pearls which I offered to. It's good to be in contact in a calm sensible manner.
> 
> ...


Just wanted to let you know you sound like you're doing great. I know it's still tough. And believe me, I know the nights are the toughest. I am much more positive throughout the day as well. 
Glad you are feeling some positivity!! 
And doing YOU!
Also read in your next post how you are with the personal trainer and life coach.. Sounds perfect!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Went to the dr yesterday to renew my anti-depressants. Had to see a different dr. I've never seen the same dr twice so far. Anyway saw this dr, I've seen her before for other things. Had me do the assessment, but she missed a page when she printed it. I didn't realise it at the time. My score was better, but she offered no advice about sleeping or eating. Just interested in the score. I just didn't have any fight in me. 
Got my prescription and left. 

I feel like a fraud. I post on here how well I'm doing but its not really true. I have positive moments and have done some things that are positive, such as get out or see my pt. but today I just feel like a fake. I'm doing crap to be honest. My house is a mess. I'm tired all the time. Im lonely and sad and scared. My dogs don't get enough exercise. I'm not motivated to do anything. The smallest things seem to overwhelm me. I do nothing. I stay in bed as long as possible until the dog make me get up. Then I sit on the sofa all day, on the Internet, and occasionally reading crap novels. I have no life. A lot of days I think what's the point. I'm so full of sh1t telling stories on here about how great everything is. I'm scared of everything.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Is the reality somewhere in the middle?

I think we all have bad days sometimes weeks.

Maybe the good bits are few and far between but you have to spot them and embrace them. So what if your faking it? Do that until you make it.

Don't be afraid to be honest here though. My first two threads were so full of self pity blahblah you wouldnt believe unless you had read them. I am still wracked by guilt amnd doubt but the resason I have been doing better is down to facing and accepting my issues. 

I have seen the same doc each and every time about my depresion and I think they are doing you a disservice by not doing that for you. Speak up, insist on things, be honest about whatever pros and cons you see with the meds then take their advice. My meds seem to be helping so I was gobsmacked when my GP upped the dose but I am following her advice.

I have to say, meds alone will do nothing. You have to dig deep and find some fight. They can be a great help doing that but they aren't magical and won't fix your problems alone.

You will make it and I am rooting for you.


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Went to the dr yesterday to renew my anti-depressants. Had to see a different dr. I've never seen the same dr twice so far. Anyway saw this dr, I've seen her before for other things. Had me do the assessment, but she missed a page when she printed it. I didn't realise it at the time. My score was better, but she offered no advice about sleeping or eating. Just interested in the score. I just didn't have any fight in me.
> Got my prescription and left.
> 
> I feel like a fraud. I post on here how well I'm doing but its not really true. I have positive moments and have done some things that are positive, such as get out or see my pt. but today I just feel like a fake. I'm doing crap to be honest. My house is a mess. I'm tired all the time. Im lonely and sad and scared. My dogs don't get enough exercise. I'm not motivated to do anything. The smallest things seem to overwhelm me. I do nothing. I stay in bed as long as possible until the dog make me get up. Then I sit on the sofa all day, on the Internet, and occasionally reading crap novels. I have no life. A lot of days I think what's the point. I'm so full of sh1t telling stories on here about how great everything is. I'm scared of everything.


Chopsy, please don't be so hard on yourself. What you're going thru is one of the hardest situations a human being can find themselves in. It takes time.

I agree with K.C. - seize the small moments you do expierence and build upon them. 

If you don't have the motivation to do something, well, suck it up and get it done anyways. Right now the only person you have to rely on is yourself and once you get out there and start getting things done I'm sure it'll help boost your motivation and self esteem. 

I used to be the most ana! OCD chick out there - everything planned and taken care of - I got sh!t done... now 4 months after I left my STBXH I find myself to be very skatter brained and sometimes not motivated - it drives me crazy cause that's not how I used to be but I put my big girl britches on and keep marching. Once I nail myself down and get some stuff completed I feel a lot better - it's like my brain is saying "see, you can do this... and it feels good!"

I also agree with K.C. about your doc/Rx... speak up, deary! If you don't think your Rx is benefiting you than say something about it. Docs can't help you if they don't know how/what something is working for you - that's their job and what they're there for. The only person you hurt is yourself in not being vocal about how their treatment is effecting you. 

Good luck, darlin', and keep your chin up!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Well I'm ending the day feeling better than where I started. Decided if I did two small things everyday, I might feel better. So I tidied the coffee table, straightened some papers and did a load of laundry.i felt so much better for this, for taking a few small steps. I do get easily overwhelmed and I must try to remember that if I can manage one or two small things, how much better I will feel. Of course I did more than the two, but saying just two little things makes it easier. 

I had an appt at the job centre in the afternoon, and filed some papers with the citizens advice bureau. I have an appt there on Friday regarding my debts. I went home, took the dogs out for a walk. Was feeling stronger and we did the hill walk, something we've not done in ages as I've been weak and tired for so long it seems. Managed it pretty well too. We did it in near dark, tho I took a torch just in case. Didn't need it. Me and the dogs know the path so well and with all the snow, even tho it was grey and cloudy, the snow seemed so bright. I must try to take some pics tomorrow, it really is beautiful here, a winter wonderland. Whilst in Worcester for my appt, I noticed there was virtually no snow there! I live about seven miles west, so was surprised as there is so much snow here! 

Have watched two films tonight, Remains of the Day, and The Girl with th pearl Earring. Hadn't seen the second. It was better than I expected. 

Am going to carry on with my baby steps tomorrow. I felt so inspired today, after I managed a few small steps! Feeling energetic and even more determined to find work soon. 

Thank you KC and EE, I so appreciate your kind posts, helping me to see things differently. It really means so much to me that people I've never met can be so generous and kind. xox


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I have read your story and I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. However, over the 3 months of this story I do have a couple of recommendations that I think could be helpful. You are letting him control your life by dwelling on what he has done to you. He is not coming back, you can not trust what he says to you anymore. He is a liar and a cheat and has proven that with his words and actions. He is selfish and only gives you the scraps that are left over in his life, which he clams as being benevolent. You need to take charge of your life.

First you need to see an attorney and find out your legal options. File for divorce and financial compensation that is due to you. Secondly you need money, so that means getting a job of some kind. I know you may not make great money, but whatever it is, it will be yours. You need to cut expenses wherever possible, this may include downsizing your residence. You need to figure out how you can fend for yourself, which may be tough in the short run. You need a legal agreement to stipulate what is owed to you. 

Sitting around the house is waiting and wondering what is going to happen is not productive and only leads to more sorry. Take charge of your life, it is to short to waste.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi Chopsy. Just catching up with you asi have been busy at work and my Mum has been in the hospital. Glad you are doing better. One thing that worries me is you selling things at his suggestion to help him. You wrote that he said any money you give him will go towards making money with which he will help you. Do you know exactly what he is doing? Is he gambling? If so, you could end up in more severe financial straits than you are in right now. He has already put you thousands of pounds in debt. Please be careful. I’m worried about you.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm not ready to file at this point in time. I do still have ups and downs. As for the money I sent him, it was for my rent which he sent through along with the what he had. So that's been sorted. He again texted and said things are tough but he hopes things will improve and that he will pay rent and help with the bills. 

I am fine with this for now. I am upping the job search but it's tough out there. I've not worked for years and have no qualifications. This morning I started looking at local colleges and what qualifications I could get. 

I'm more positive than I was yesterday. Doing the hill walk yesterday really boosted my mood. Started on the walk today but had to turn back as one of my cats had followed us some way, had to go back to lock him in! Two of my cats love to go on walks with me. Anyway came in for a few minutes to warm up. Snow is melting today, first day above zero (Celsius) in some time. We're due rain on the weekend. Sunny today too, nicest day in ages. I am affected by the weather. That reminds me, I've not taken vitamin D in awhile, need to top up my levels. Vit D or lack of shall I say can affect so much. 

Am thinking of going back to the drs, see if I can talk with someone. Also, I've had a letter saying I will be having a telephone assessment on feb 4. 

Yoga tonight. It was cancelled last week due to snow. Can't wait. 

I need to have more positive things going on in my life. Am looking to see if there are any courses I could start, plus looking for qualification courses. I'm going to the theatre this weekend with a women's group. Looking forward to that. 

I've done so well, but get down when on my own too much. I need more direction, more routine. And more positive things going on. The difference a little sunshine can make!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yoga was cancelled again!! Even no it's thawing here, I think Birmingham still has more snow. Gutted. Oh well. Been watching a few old films. Up late not sleeping, as per usual. Went on a few dating sites. I really don't like them. Feels like I'm being judged. Looked online for possible training courses but still no clarity. My pt sent me stuff on goal setting, will have a look at that tomorrow.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Still not sleeping. Am really struggling tonight. I miss my husband so much. I hate hate hate the pos wh0re that stole my husband. My heart still aches so much. I wish I could get I'm out of his fog. He's never once talked to me. He's never come back for his stuff. He's never come back to see the animals and he LOVED them so much. Will he ever wake up. They're both broke, she's on the dole and he's probably go on it too. I'm lonely. I miss him. We were so close. I feel like I've lost everything. I know someone will 2x4 out of this but it hurts so very much. Maybe because she's young and has big tits, and is no doubt so muh better in bed han me, maybe that's why he leg me or her. Im othing but a dried up 48 year old with nothing. There are times that I I didnt have the animals, I would seriously consider killing myself. I used to love life do much but the pain never sems to away.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I've been doing the 180, although more with the intention of getting him back. I had a revelation yesterday when I realised I actually needed to do the 180 to help myself stay sane and grow as an individual.


Hmm someone smarter than me wrote the above...

When we place so much of our happiness in anothers hands, it is hard to adapt to the new way of life. 

Don't let his stupidity affect your worth, if a big titted bimbo is what he thinks is important, tell yourself she is welcome to him. You know what, you didn't make him unhappy, he did that himself and nothing you do can stop him repeating his mistakes. If he carries on without learning from what he has done he is doomed to repeat it.

You on the other hand have been looking at what you can do to improve. I know it is hard but I believe those working on themselves and making themselves a better person, while more unhappy than their "head in the sand ex" right now.. will come out of things the much stronger happier person.

He hasn't left you behind he has just got scared of the hill ahead and took side path that continues to the side. Stay on the path Chopsy, the hill will be a b!tch but once you reach the top, not only will the path become easier but the view will be amazing. If one day he follows up the hill his view will be of you in the distance leaving him far behind.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

123... And I'm back I'm the room, so to speak. Just read a post I made on another thread about what to do...I can give the advice but I'm ****e at following it myself. Time for me to move on. I am so tired of the drama. But most of the drama is of my creating. Too much thinking. What happened to my meditation? KC, thanks for the wake up. I'm sorry I'm so all over the place. I don't like being so needy. You're a good friend KC, I am so grateful for your posts and occasional a$$ kicking. 

I realised need to write in my journal more often and think why I am still chasing. For a time I looked on a few dating sites but I cannot face it, I'm not ready. I'm just lonely but I need friends not a relationship! 

Going to the cinema tomorrow with friends and the theatre on Sunday. I need to focus on goals so I'm going to work on that tonight. And I finally, I need to start heeding my own good advice!!!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

So lonely tonight. Just texted H. I know, stupid. I bet H and gf just wish I would eff off and die so they can be rid of me. I'm so damn lonely, have no one to call. Wonder if I will sleep tonight. Haven't done too well lately. I've got nothing to do so may as well go to bed. My life sucks.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

It's the loneliness that kicks my ass as much as anything at the moment. Losing her from that side of things shows how far into my marriage I withdrew. Complete lack of anyone nearby to socialise with and we moved her 3.5 yrs ago! Getting a 'life' is certainly my next priority.

I am happy to give ass kickings.. lord knows I still need enough of them in my own thread - I try to keep it honest in there but sometimes I read it back and think I was fooling myself some of the times I said I was doing OK. Definately doing better but I am far from being right in myself still.

Like you say telling someone what they need to do and dealing with that reality for yourself is very different. Just don't be too harsh on yourself when you slip. Being more compassionate when I screw up is part of the progress I think I am making.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Four months today my husband left and never came back. He is so detached. Sent a text yesterday (stupid, yes) saying about the house and wanting to talk about the future. I also said I'm sure he and his gf wish I would eff off and die. He texted back, I'm trying to hold everything together. That's it. He is so very detached from me. He thinks he cares, I'm sure. But my pain is my pain. It is not his business, I'm sure he thinks. Or maybe he doesn't even recognise it. 

Am very depressed. Called the dr, they're closed today. Sometimes I think about being dead but as I believe in reincarnation, can't bear the idea of having to live again. That wiuld suck, to kill myself and then have to live again!! I have my animals. They rely on me. I'm a sh1t mummy, they deserve better but I'm all they have. If H would take them I'd be tempted to call it a day. But he doesnt deserve them, i would never let me go. Maybe my whole marriagewas a lie. He used to sayhe loved me and he loved, reallyloved the animals. But he has his gf now, bit tits, young, thats all he wants now. Me and the animals, he really doesnt give a sh1t. I used to love life so much. My old boy is my sunshine, I look into his eyes and I know I cannot leave him. Sorry. This is very morbid. I won't top myself. I always thought my husband would come back. I know he won't. I do get very lonely. I'm probably a bit mad. The pain makes me a bit mad. Wrote a poem today. Maybe I'll post it later. It's rubbish. Oh and depressing as f*ck. my family is all long lived too, just my luck.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy please listen.

Those thoughts arent you speaking they are your depression. I know it sucks to be in that place but you have to fight it. I have been to the very brink of suicide long ago, I have also had protracted periods of not wanting to kill myself but not caring f a bus ran me over and just ended it. Please I think you need to push back these thoughts and definitely get some medical advice asap. 

I am on 40mg Fluoxotine a day and between that and making a genuine effort to change my outlook.. despite my marriage to the love of my life being over most of the time I feel better than in years. I let depression sink my marriage but I refuse to let it sink me now I see what it was doing to me.

Much easier said than done but you need to stop thinking about him and posOW, instead decide on the things that would make Chopsy into a new improved Chopsy Mk2 and try to focus on those instead.

I am rooting for you but you need to find some inner strength, turn around and kick your demons in the face. Believe me, you'll feel better for it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm sorry I wrote that post. So morbid and negative. I'm sorry KC you had to see that, and anyone else who read it. I've been better today and yesterday. Someone I've not been in touch with for ages called yesterday and was prepared to listen to me spill my guts. So therapeutic. And today I had two meetups booked. I plan ahead when I'm feeling good. I almost didn't go today but am glad I made the effort. One was in Birmingham, it was to see a play, Private Lives by Noel Coward. Bit dated but nice, it was a matinee so quit cheap too. Then went to a comedy evening in a Worcester pub. Really good comedy too, and nice to meet some new people local to me. I'm going bowling with the same group next week. 

I thought about what you said KC ans that my positive moments are too far in between so I have to step things up so I won't be alone too much. I'm going to call the dr tomorrow too. The problem I have is when I feel ok, I can't remember how bad it was only days before. And I'm the sort who skips over the ugly bits of my life. I know. I know, better to be honest. Maybe I will bring a copy of my post to the appt. need to take control of my own healing and be honest about my needs, instead of glossing over things. 

My SIL called me after I got in. It was nice to hear from her. At one point I had convinced myself she didn't care anymore as I'd not heard from her in awhile. Turns out she had to take work home this weekend and was busy with her boys. She rang as she had tried to call earlier to invite me over for dinner. It's nice to be asked. My H rang her yesterday but didn't have much to say. I'm not sure why he calls her. She doesn't think he's happy but he won't talk about his feelings. She said he seems very detached from everything. 

I did text him yestday, just about the rent. But KC, I'm coming after your record and am determined to smash it! I need to practice a bit of NC for my own sanity. And stop giving up some much of my energy obsessing on my H and his gf. 

When I'm up, life seems great, it's the downs I need to control, or get help to do so as they are REALLY down. Can't be doing with that anymore, I just want to be on an even keel most days. Oh other good news, I slept all night last night, first time in ages.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

That's the way Chopsy. Nothing to apologise for. Be honest about your feelings and let them out. No need to hide them away.

What you are describing is very much like my experiences of depression. The goods are so good as you forget the pain for a bit but for me they were always short lived then bam, something, quite often something small would set the spiral off again. The downward spiral would be much longer and deeper off the back of something small and bad than the up from something big and good. If that makes sense?

I have been doing something called Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and this has helped enormously. It doesn't deal with the underlying issue but it helps you recognize the beginning of a downward spiral. You then acknowledge it and move your thoughts away. 

Negative thoughts = negative emotions = negative thoughts and so on. It's about breaking that loop.

I believe a combination of meds, CBT and maybe most importantly a determination to be the person I always wanted to be and felt I was inside but didn't know how to let out has done wonders for how I feel in a relatively short time. I am still having rough times but 90% of the time I feel much better than in years despite my relationship situation and clinging to hope.

Be totally honest with the doc about the downs. Hell I pretty much broke down and was in tears the first appointment. You are right, don't gloss over. Face and embrace your problems. Then you can give it a good kicking. I spent years hiding from the fact I was depressed but now I tell anyone interested about it and my 'happy pills'. I wont be ashamed of it and I will beat it. 

So will you.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Oh and a good nights sleep is amazing!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Another good nights sleep. Been quite lazy today, it's been windy and raining all day. Grim. Made an appt with another dr, for Thursday afternoon. Wrote another poem. I used to write poetry all the time. I belong to a poetry group but have hardly been this last year. Am thinking of going tomorrow. It's a bit of a drive, as it's back in Wales. Ive been with this group for something like eight years. It's a shame it's so far now for me as I have some very good friends in it, tho have not seen them in ages. 

I've hardly written anything the past two years. I do think I've been depressed for some time now, looking back over how I used to be. Anyway it's fab to be writing, it's all a bit poo, but I don't care. It's just so awesome to be able to express myself again. Also reading more poetry, as I still can't concentrate on much else yet. A lot of books are just beyond me at the moment tho I am trying to read Depression by Dorothy Rowe, a book recommended to me by a therapist years ago. Listening to a lot of radio. No tv. I've given up on telly, for now anyway. 

It's amazing how good I am feeling considering the post I wrote several days ago. Thanks for the feedback KC, good to know its not unusual to be so up and down. Will have to tell the dr this. I think I have seen this dr before, in fact I think she may have been the first dr I saw when I went in for depression. If so, that's good news as I thought she had left the practice, I'm sure one of nurses told me. She does very few regular hours however, anyway glad I'm going to see her Thursday.

Im planning more outings and am looking up poetry readings and events too. feeling more optimistic now.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, I wholeheartedly agree with KC. No need ever to apologize for expressing your feelings here. We’re here for you.

I think its great that you are making the effort to get out and be with people. Not sure I could be as brave as you are being in that regard!

Good luck with the doctor.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

hi Frost, thanks for the post. i wouldn't say I'm brave, just sick to death of my own company! 

opened the post today. I had left post unopened from last week, a bit head in the sand thing. I'm drowning in debt. I'm seeing the debt counsellor on thursday. Last time he gave me the options of bankruptcy or trying to arrange token payments for six months or so. I guess that would just be putting off the inevitable bankruptcy. Im scared to go bankrupt as my credit rating will be screwed, tho I guess it's pretty bad now. Im scared I wont be able to rent somewhere because of it. Even if I got a job tomorrow, I wouldn't be able to even cover the minimum payments. All the debts are in my name, of course. Bankruptcy lasts a year tho its on your credit report for six years. It would be nice to have the debts resolved and not be scared to open my post or answer the phone. Six months ago my credit card was paid up each month, everything was paid up and I had a super credit rating. Didnt take long for that to all go tits up!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I too am facing bankrupcy atm. Been trying to fend it off for 2 and half years now.. Just bite the bullet. If your finances are leading you there anyway, the sooner you do it, the sooner you recover. Only thing stopping me atm is the cost involved in filing for it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yes I think you're right about biting the bullet. Is it expensive to go bankrupt? I thought it was a few hundred at most? Its all a bit scary tho. Texted my H for his opinion, he said he would call tomorrow to talk about what options are available. First phone call from him in months. Last call was ages ago when he admitted cheating. I have no intention of bringing up anything except the financial business. 

Off to housing benefit office tomorrow, otherwise not much planned. 

Went to the library today and got some interesting books out. stopped at my SIL and she insisted I stay on for dinner with her and my eldest nephew so had a nice evening at theirs.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Costs £700 atm but £175 can be waived subject to income etc.

There are plenty of placed to turn to for debt advice up to and including bankruptcy without him being involved. Not sure why you want his advice unless some of the debt is joint?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

just got off the phone with my H. havent talked in months so it was a little weird. He is still with his gf but sounds like he's not sure what he wants. We talked about the finances and he suggested I try to do token payments to my creditors as suggested my debt counsellor. He wants to help with my bills and says if I could six months relief it would help him build up a bank towards it. 

We talked about lots of things- the animals, my expenses, how I am doing. He's going to start seeing a counsellor next tues. I am so relieved and glad he is doing this as he really needs to find peace in himself and resolve some long term issues that have messed him up. I feel ok about the call. I feel detached but still love and care for him. I said I wished him love and happiness and he deserves to be happy and he laughed and said he doesn't deserve anything. I said he is a human being and he deserves it because we all deserve a second chance. He mentioned he was thinking of going to California. I think he just wants to escape. I suggested he get himself more emotionally stable before making any big decisions. I don't think his gf has alot of hold on him tbh. 

I didn't mention the relationship tho I did ask if we could meet sometime or if he could come see the animals. He said maybe in the next few weeks when his finances settle down a bit. He really has had to start all over. 

anyway that's that. I have my debt counsellor in the morning, job centre advisor in the afternoon and yoga in the evening. I've booked the dr for Friday morning.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You will need to be super strong in a face to face Chopsy. At least part of me thinks you would have been better off without that? Have to say I am worried that will be a major challenge for your healing. He may not know what he wants but he is still with posow... Sorry but the animals sounds like an excuse?

I feel like a hypocrite in that I am sat here deliberately opening myself up to further hurt in my own situation but you need to remember he is a man who cheated, doesn't matter what if anything 'pushed' him to do so, it's wrong.

Guess what I am saying is think long and hard before seeing him. Be honest with yourself about why you would choose to put your self back in the line of fire and what you would hope to get from it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I guess I just want to see what he has to say for himself. He said on the phone he is guilty and remorseful. He has read all my emails, even the bitter angry ones. he said he deserved all of them and worse. Look I know this could blow up in my face and yes he is a cheater and still with posOW. I've done alot of reading on here and accepted advice I discounted at the beginning because I thought my situation is 'unique'. I'd like to see him face his issues. It may sound rubbish but Im very intuitive. I do need however to be super strong in myself. Ive decided to go see a private counsellor asap, one that I used to work with. I will take whatever NHS counselling I can get but as you know, I still have a long wait. My H strongly suggested I go back and see Jill (counsellor) and he would pay for it. I've done alot for myself but I know I am still prone to down days. 

You know I don't know what I want from a meeting. Just to see him, hear what he has to say. I have no expectations, truly I don't. I have to careful about that as it's easy to start creating a fantasy, but I am quite solid on that. I feel very detached. He hasn't been to see me in all these months, I just feel it would be useful in my healing and maybe his too. I'm actually at a place (and do 2x4 if necessary, but I don't think I am in denial or anything) that the cheating bothers me but it's the lies that really kill me. I feel I want to keep communication open between us for now. It might bite me on the bum but it's something I have to do.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Heh, Chopsy you have read my thread.. I have a tendency to ignore advice myself. Way I see it though you have to be happy with and true to yourself. If not doing it will leave you wondering what if for evermore then it's worth doing. Just be aware of the dangers.

That's the boat I find myself in. I am doing so much that will probably bite me on the ass but for my own piece of mind I have to be able to say I tried, you know? I know your situation is different but so long as you keep your eyes open and heart guarded, do what you need to do. Just please make sure you look after Chopsy first and foremost. You don't owe him or anyone else anything.

In a face to face I think you will be tempted to listen to his words rather than look at his actions but the actions will always speak louder.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Its scary to put yourself out there and take a chance but I know in myself I have to give this one more chance. I can't just walk away without making sure Ive done everything. I just opened a thread on c&w about tough love as I know I it's something I may need to consider. I don't know, I'm just talking out of my ass tbh. Just talked with my sil and she feels its worth talking with him but then may have an agenda too perhaps although she has totally had my back in this. Well it's yet to be see if he will ever man up and call me to schedule a meeting. maybe one day. 

Do also look after yourself KC and protect yourself, remember actions actions actions! i know I didn't comment but I really like the idea of going to a festival, gives you both something to plan towards and could be a good thing. what have you in mind for the Valentines day (after)? I know it's wrong but I wish my H would do something for me for V Day but I know I cannot have any false and unrealistic expecations.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I have two tickets to Hairspray the Musical on the 16th. Its a film she loves so should be good. She also has a giftcard for 4 half hour treatments at a local relaxation therapy place (indian head massage etc) that was a belated birthday present (had zero cash so gave her a crappy iou for the above on her birthday)

So the plan is kick her out to the therapy place earlyish if I can while I do a nice dinner etc, then after dinner go to the show and see what happens.

It's much more thought and effort than I have put in before as I have an issue where 'special' occasions just dont bother me.. this is me trying to show I finally get that they matter to her though.

Like you say actions. I am trying to stop saying I love her and start showing it instead. I know I am likely going to end up disappointed but I made the decision to try and I intend to see it through to whichever end it brings me.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

wow sounds amazing! i hope she will appreciate all the effort you're making. Just be happy and friendly and hopefully this will go some way to restoring things. I do hope she will enjoy the day and see your actions as meaning what you say. As you said, don't be saying I love you. 

Any plans for the weekend ahead?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Ahh this is where I get to thank my luck, I get to spend loads of time with the kids and by extension her. I don't have to contrive showing her the changes in me as she will see them quite naturally.. I just have to tread so careful not to push things faster than she wants heh.

As for the weekend, going swimming on Sat with the kids, she'll come if she is up to it but swimming is a not an option for her a lot of the time so probably just me and the boys. I work every weekend (sat is booked hols) so sunday back in work at 8am.

..edit.. if you mean plans with her, nah, I am trying to let it drift till the whole Valentines thing


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, I share KC’s concerns. Please don’t get your hopes up. You’ve had enough hurt.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

So very depressed. Went to see this debt counsellor at citizen advice bureau and he cant make even token offers to any of the creditors because I'm too broke basically. You have to be able to show a balance sheet of income in greater than money out. So in the mean time interest keeps accruing. I'm feeling so desperate and scared right now. Thinking of selling everything I have. Had a message from the landlord saying the rents not been paid for January yet. Texted H and he said half was and he would sort the rest. I know he means to and has good intentions but he is broke too and doesn't help that he's paying for his flat and expenses too. Checked my balance today, no way can I go see a counsellor. Have £60 left. Emailed a friend about their house as they've moved but sounds like they will be selling. I have no options left. Trying hard not to panic. Really cannot see how things are ever going to improve.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Did CAB not give you some guidance on how to go forward? If you are none the wiser from the visit there, give these guys a go; 

National Debtline – Free, Confidential Debt Advice – Call 0808 808 4000

Found them very helpful in the past, they know all the options for handling debt problems. If you contact the companies they should offer to freeze interest etc in your situation I think but I really would speak to the debtline people first. Unless you have cars/property worth lots of money, the sell everything you own route will probably not be advisable.

Are you claiming for whatever financial help you are entitled to for getting through this Chopsy? Especially regarding your rent? If not, get it looked into asap.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Have applied for housing benefit, still waiting tho. Will call the debt line, tomorrow as just not up to it now. Still have to call back my landlord tonight, am expecting bad news. I know exactly what she's going to say. Filled with dread tbh. Not sure what else I can do. Will have to borrow/sell stuff to get Jan rent paid. I'm just so very scared now.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Went to yoga, had dinner with SIL. Feeling very low. SIL wanted a lift to the shop so I took her and on the way back she mentioned how depressed I seemed and I just started sobbing and couldn't stop. Dr tomorrow morning. I'm a mess.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You're allowed to be a mess.

Just don't back down from that truth at the Dr's. Let them know where you are and take whatever help they offer. I have the thought you will feel so much better for getting a handle on the financial situation you have found yourself in., Pour your efforts into that rather than him. Finances you can affect, even if it is through bankruptcy.

Whatever route they reccomend for the money side, i think simply taking control and not letting yourself be 'helpless' will feel great.

I don't remember if you covered this but the SIL thing seems odd. Is she there for you or is it really for him?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Went to dr this morning, she was very empathetic and has upped my dose (citalopram) and is going to chase up the CBT as well as putting me on the urgent list for the psychiatry team. She also wants me back in two weeks, and said to come in anytime if I need to talk. 

Cancelled my pt appt today, I am so very tired. I'm in bed ad I write this, 2pm in the afternoon. Am thinking I will have to go bankrupt now. Just scared about the future prospects of renting somewhere (it's clear now I need to leave here in April). I'm not sure what other consequences there are but none good I'm sure. But I need to take control back. Haven't called debt line but will do so. I'm just worn out.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I have no financial advice. Just wish I were there and could give you a big hug. You are a good person and you don’t deserve this. 

I know you trust your ex, and this may seem harsh, but can you get access to his financial rords? You are taking his word for his situation. His definition of ‘almost broke’ may be different from yours. Can you get advice around this through legal aid? If he is even slightly better off than you, he needs to be held accountable for his responsibilities to you.

Hug.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi Frost, no I can't access his records and so I only have his word. I don't think he's lying to me anymore, tho of course I could be wrong. He's been upfront about his financial situation and knowing what happened to his business, I believe him. He is starting over but owes money to some people and it's been difficult. 

I think I will try and sell some bits this week, not that I have much and then see if I can borrow some money, tho I hate asking and so far no one has offered. Of course I don't have many people to even ask. My nephew recently came into some money tho I hate to ask him. If he could help me out for the next few months then I could at least pay the rent. I'll hav to mov in April when my lease is up. I have no other options now. I just wish I had somewhere to move to. 

Oh KC, you mentioned my SIL. She's been there for me all the way, taken every phone call, had me over for dinner at least once or twice a week. Even takes my calls when she is in work and I'm falling apart. She is very close to her brother but he rarely calls her now and he doesn't have a lot to say. She does tell me everything that was said. She thinks he has behaved horrendously and thinks he has treated me like sh1t. I'm lucky to have her tbh.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

just written a letter to my H. will divorce if he does not give up his piece of skank and tell me the truth.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Already sent it? Might be an idea to get feedback on wording before you do if it's not too late?

But good on you deciding to take that step.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

sent to my sil, she says sleep on it so I will, tho she says he deserves every word of it. Ill see how I feel tomorrow. It is very emotional, may need to rewrite or rethink it. Felt good for a moment tho!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> sent to my sil, she says sleep on it so I will, tho she says he deserves every word of it. Ill see how I feel tomorrow. It is very emotional, may need to rewrite or rethink it. Felt good for a moment tho!


Be careful of the wording. You don’t want to antagonize him as it may make things more difficult for you in the long run. But whether you send it or not, the act of writing it will be cathartic. Sleeping on it is good advice.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

:iagree:

Be thoughtful of what you want it to achieve and word and tone it accordingly.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

This morning I feel much different. It was good to write it and I feel better for it, but that's not who I am. It was late, I got angry and upset. It's definitely not what I want to project when talking with him. I want to be calm and not to be responding from a place of emotional overload and anger.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and I did call debtline and they were more helpful than that jerk at CAB. Not that I have a lot of options but he gave me some advice which I intend to act on. He said to chase up housing benefit and ask for interim help and tell them my situation. On my other debts, he said they can't do much, but I should call and try to come to an arrangement and get the interest frozen, and make an offer. I did try to call my landlord (she lives in France) but I must have th number incorrect. Called her mobile and left a message. And wrote an email detailing my situation and what I can do. Haven't heard back. 

Yesterday I was very low and spent most of the day in bed. Feeling better today, hoping my increased meds make a difference. It's sunny and that helps enormously. 

Had an email from a friend. I don't know if I mentioned it on here. They're long term friend and have a lovely house on the Wales/Herefordshire border. Theyve since moved to Stoke for work and I did ask what their plans were for the house and they said sell. Bit then I got another email saying they would like to rent it to me while they fix it up and wait for the market to turn. Might be a year or two. Itwould be nice for me if longer but it will give me a chance to get back on my feet. It's a nice place in the country,they've always had dogs so don't care about that. My old boy was born there. They're offering me a very low rent - they will be renting it to me under the lodger scheme due to their mortgage restrictions and can only claim so much. 

They've literally offerd me a lifeline. How I will gt through the next few months here and pay the rent here, and moving too, but it's a ray of hope for me. It's quite rural and I am looking for jobs online in the area and there's not much but I hope I can find something, even part time as my expenses will be so much lower. 

Have only told my SIL. I think she's reserved on it, tho happy for me, as I won't be so close to her anymore. My H texted and said he would call me later so ill tell him then. 

Have also put up more ads for my younger dog, she just needs a family as we are not enough for her. My old boy doesn't want to play and she is forced to try and play with the cats. She deserves better.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Oh and I did call debtline and they were more helpful than that jerk at CAB. Not that I have a lot of options but he gave me some advice which I intend to act on. He said to chase up housing benefit and ask for interim help and tell them my situation. On my other debts, he said they can't do much, but I should call and try to come to an arrangement and get the interest frozen, and make an offer. I did try to call my landlord (she lives in France) but I must have th number incorrect. Called her mobile and left a message. And wrote an email detailing my situation and what I can do. Haven't heard back.
> 
> Yesterday I was very low and spent most of the day in bed. Feeling better today, hoping my increased meds make a difference. It's sunny and that helps enormously.
> 
> ...


Glad the sun is finally shining for you if only a little bit. They say the storm is worse before the dawn. Hopefully this is your dawn and things will start getting better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frost, I hope it's my dawn too. xox


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sure as hell sounds like progress! You got to stay the course and take back control of your life.

You deserve to be happy - you need to keep telling yourself so. The only person on this planet that can make that happen is you and you need to keep telling yourself that too.

I predict great things in your future, the road to them may be hard but the best things tend to be like that.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks KC. 

Bored bored bored tonight. Went to the supermarket for a few things, sickly with pink valentines day crap everywhere. Gag. Put the radio on, trigger trigger trigger. My H was supposed to call me the last two days. Just rang his mobile for thirty rings, no answer. Giving up, am obviously going to have to sort everything for myself. The weekend always feels long. I don't want to go out anywhere Saturday as its full of happy couples. I feel like a pariah,slinking back to my hovel. Am reading a sh1t novel. Chick-lit stuff. I never read this kind of thing, thought it would be easy reading for me as my concentration is still blah. Went for a walk with the dogs, that was nice as it was sunny still but I was so very tired and weak. Still not eating much. My SIL is busy on the weekends with her new man, she says she'll call but forgets sometimes. No one calls me at all. Just my creditors and landlords wanting money off me. I just feel like such a loser today. I go days and days without seeing anyone or talking to anyone. If I didnt have TAM, I'd go mad I reckon. Its the only place i can be honest. Sometimes I think I could just drop off the face of the earth and no one would notice. feeling very lonely tonight. Hope the meds start working soon.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Weekends are hard for sure. How is the job hunt going? Retail work is good for filling up your weekend


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Haven't looked into retail but good idea.weeknds blow. 

h called just now. Work is going better, said he would pay the rest of January and Feb rent in next week or two. Still with OW. He's looking fora new flat as his was just a temp let. I got into tricky territory. Asked if he missed me, was he prepared to give up on our12 years just like that? he didn't really answer. He said he doesn't feel much, thinks he's a cold person. He's scared of his tues therapy appt, thinks she will just tell him he might as well kill himself. I asked (for gods sake 2x4 me now!) if she was a good f*ck, he snorted and said not really. I asked if he loved her and he said he wasn't sure. I asked (2x4 please!) if he loved me and he said he loved as a person. Thanks for that. Well my fault For asking. He say he just wants to be alone. I asked what that would accomplish and he said maybe he would be happy.

He thinks I could stay on here as the landlord (he's been in touch) probably doesn't care as long as she knows what's going on. But I know I couldn't pay the rent here even if I got a job to to tomorrow. And it's hard for me to be here in the same house with all this things, and driving past all the places we went to. A new start might help. Hope I'm doing the right thing.oh and I asked him about his things and he said sell them, or bin them. There's nothing he wants except maybe his guitar. 

From that conversation I would say his very unhappy, confused, and maybe depressed. Sure hope his therapist is good. He has so much baggage to open up. 

Meanwhile, I'm at home today. Haven't done much. Been doing some reading. I'm very tired. Tomorrow I get a telephone assessment in the morning. my SIL has invited me over for dinner tonight so that will be nice. still trying to look after myself.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Also I feel I can now do NC. I've been wanting to hash things out and now I know what's going on, I just want to heal and not have any contact. I know I think about him too much. I was feeling detached for awhile and I want to get back to that. Going to go look at jobs now.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

If it was things you feel you had to say for yourself, then although others may disagree, I think it's ok. If not saying it would have left you thinking "what if?" for ever then you have been true to yourself and dealt with that. 

Now you have done it though, the hard bit is not doing it over and over hoping for a different response.

If you feel like you can go NC now that is great. Go for it, I think you will benefit greatly from it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I feel ok about the conversation. I didn't have any expectations tbh. I knew from his last call where his head is. He just confirmed it today in what a bad state he is. He needs to sort himself and I have to back off and let him do it. Ive been co-dependant in the past and have to be careful. The more I think about it, moving away is going to be a great opportunity for me I think. I asked if he would help me and he said yes. I'm hoping it all work out, they still need approval from their mortgage company but apparently it's rare for them to not approve. Won't be announcing till official. 

I've been looking for jobs online, tomorrow I'm going into town, see if I can find a job waiting tables or retail. Something for a few months. Already looking in Herefordshire, not much to at the moment.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just don't say it's only short term when you apply!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Lol I know! Just think easier to get a waiting tables job quickly and leave without too much grief. I've never waited tables but have been to lots of restaurants. It would probably give me weekend hours/ evening hours which are always my hardest time. Alot of jobs I've seen aren't interviewing till end of feb and starting several weeks later- will be mid- late March by then. I do know the area I'm moving to, as I used to love nearby and have a few friends there. I looked at a map and realised how close I'll be to some. I'll be half an hour from my poetry workshop, which I've not been to in ages due to distance and just plain feeling crap. It's an old farmhouse, I know it well as have spent many weekends there visiting my friends. Thinking I need to do a clear out soon. I've done some clearing out months ago but still have lots to go through. Will pack up my H's stuff now and leave it at sister in law's - or coould just pack it and put in conservatory of he's coming to help pack up. You know i wish I could have a weekend away somewhere, I'm so knackered and could do with a break. Maybe one day!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Not really much to report but thought I would post anyway. Had my telephone assessment on Monday. Asked me a lot of questions of the depression variety. Is going to put me forward for CBS and normal counselling ASAP. 

Otherwise have been very down, days go by without seeing anyone. Have been living in pjs. Bathed and dressed today to go sign on. First day out in almost a week. I know, not good. Just running on empty all the time. No negative thoughts as such, just exhausted. Depression knocks the wind out of a person. 

I need to pull myself up from this, just getting out today helped. Maybe a goal could be getting dressed everyday and going somewhere, a cafe, a museum, something. 

Saw a course I really want to do but have no money for it. Wonder if my h would fund it. Have my nephew with all his inheritance, bt think my sil will be weirded out if I ask. It's a holistic massage course, just over £2000ish, but might as well be £10,000. Sigh. Seeing as I have no skills/qualifications, thought this would be a way forward. I've always wanted to do such a course. 

Started reading Edible Woman by Margaret Atwood this morning. Apt, I reckon.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I don't think you should ask H to fund anything. You really need to be distancing yourself from him not finding ways to tie yourself to him or rely on him any more than absolutely needed.

The depression is a major drain. I have spent a long time just fighting through the days. I can't stress enough though it is worth getting out. Even if all you do is go for a walk or shopping. Staring at four walls is a great way to sink further into depression. You have to find a way to break the downward spiral.

I know it's hard but do a little thing to break the pattern and praise yourself for having done it, no matter how small. In depression it is easy to see a small negative that fires of a massive downward spiral of thoughts. Instead look for those small wins and make sure you see acknowledge them.

I am reading "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert. It is heavily based on CBT techniques and could be a help for you? I bought it on kindle but it was available in my local library too.

edit.. for the course, it may seem like an impossible dream due to the expense but set it as a longer term goal. Something to work towards and put money away towards once your working perhaps?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'll look into the book you mentioned. I've got a book on depression by Dorothy Rowe but it's too much hard going at the moment. Got The Mindful Way Through Depression from the library, am reading bits of it. I think I saw that Paul Gilbert book at the library, will have a look. 

I'm tired of being house bound so will make an effort to get out tomorrow and everyday after. Yoga tomorrow so thats good. 

You're right about the course, I'm not even well enough to start a class like that. Another time. And of course you're right about not asking H for help. Bit silly. 

Still NC so that's good. 

Thanks for checking in KC, I appreciate it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Back from yoga and had dinner at SIL's. Her and I have been invited by a mutual friend to go over tomorrow and stay over. We're all doing an 11 mile walk in the Malvern Hills in May, and it might not sound like much but I'm not in shape for 11 miles at all! Just so weak now. Anyway This friend likes in Wales so well go out and do a hill walk for a bit of training. I'm taking the dogs to someone I know for th evening. Gosh it will feel like a holiday! I've not had any break in all these months. 

My nephews birthday on wed, he turns 16. Have no idea what to gt him, plus I'm skint. 

Meanwhile keeping to NC except for a text to ask him to let me know when the rents been paid. Held back from asking how he was, how was his counselling. Strictly business. I would have asked all that months ago. Previously I couldn't manage four days without caving in, am much better at this now. I don't feel so emotional which helps. If tempted I just remind myself its a pointless thing to do. 

Had a realisation as I drove home that this is probably it, barring any kind of awakening on his part and agreeing to work on things on mine. Anyway, I don't see any of that happening now. I'm still sad abut it but I know I will be ok. I love him and I care for him but I need to live my life. I know I will get through this. I need to pull myself up from this depression, hopefully move, get a job, begin to remake my life. I miss him from time to time, but I definitely don't feel so desperate any ore.

Yoga was ace tonight. I am going to miss this yoga class if I move!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m glad you are starting to get out. KC is right. Staring at the four walls will sink you deeper into depression.

The 11-mile walk is a nice goal. Try to walk each day, even if you really don’t feel like it. Aim to finish that walk!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frost, 11 miles seems pretty daunting right now I must say. My SIL signed me up and told me after. She knew I would back out if given the chance! 

I woke up this morning and didn't feel horrible. I usually get up and let the dogs out and then go back to bed as I am so exhausted and feel just horrible. I'm tired but I don't feel too bad. Maybe it's the increased meds or maybe it's the thought of the weekend away. Going out for a meal tonight too! I just haven't been anywhere or done anything in so long, it's a nice treat.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Still NC, but so very tempted to send a text or message. Sucks that my (still) husband is living with posOW. Missing him today. Have got to train my mind not to think about him so much. I daresay he is not thinking of me at all. NC shall prevail! It's the only way forward for me tho if I'm honest a little part of me still hopes (2x4 anyone?) that he will miss me and wonder what I'm up to and call me one day. I wonder when I won't feel that way. Makes me a little sad that I still carry a seed of hope, why I don't know. Foolish girl.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy. Chopsy. What are we to do with you! 

2X4 with your name on it incoming.. 

Glad you feel better today. Keep those goals in mind if you feel your slipping again.

I cant tell anyone not to hope heh. Just dont act on it. He is giving you nothing to base that hope on and reaching out will just set you back with the following rejection. What could you say that you havent already?

He knows where you are if he has an epiphany but you have to work on the assumption he wont and keep you focus inward. Even if he does come to his senses doed be really deserve you? im going with no myself...

Youre stronger than you think but depression os a b!tch.. You have to fight it.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

KC is right, Chopsy. Contacting him will only make you look needy. Stay strong. Focus on yourself, not on him.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I stayed strong, despite being tempted. Had a great night away, meal out and a good bit of wine! Saturday went for a long walk, exhausting, but fine day for it and quite chuffed I managed it tbh. Feeling much better now. Want to sustain this and be more proactive in my own recovery. I wonder of the increased meds have begun to help. Nephew birthday on wed (16) so need to think of what I can get him. Going away did the world of good!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

So glad to hear this, Chopsy! You deserve some good times. Being proactive is definitely the way to go. Keep up the good work. :smthumbup:


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

How long you been on new meds now?

They generally take a few weeks or more to fully kick in so they may have started to help but i suspect you simply need to give yourself a pat on the back for pushing forward yourself.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frosty and KC. It's been just over a week since the tablets were increase, so might be not getting the full effect yet. Have another telephone assessment feb 19 with a counsellor. My SIL is going to come over soon, probably next week, and help me go through the house and do a clear out. While at the meal on Friday, a few more people came along and I met them. As we met not far from my future (hopefully) home, they're all local. I reminded myself of how many people I do know in the area. I do hope it'll works out I can move, it would do me do much good. Do keep me in your thoughts that this comes good. Should know by the end of feb. 

Am starting a blog. I decided it would help me to document my journey and help me focus on myself and the future. Now that I'm some months in from d day, I do have more perspective too, plus blogging will help me get back into writing 

Going to make a plan for each day, decide what I want to do, take myself out on dates to places and people i love. Must try to be more proactive and positive. I'm tired of being sad!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sick n tired of being sick n tired is a good place to be.

Blogging here or a regular blogsite? I vote for here so i can be lazy!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

[email protected]! No its on Wordpress. I'll get a link on here later 

Still posting here tho, I can empty my guts here, as I often do. 

Realised it's been two weeks since NC which I have kept to except for one text regarding the rent. Didn't ask how he was etc. just business. Feeling good about it. And it gets easier day by day. Takes the focus off him. 

I'm still very tired but in my head I feel lighter. I can see my future now and it looks good. I'm in a tricky place now, so much in limbo, but in a few months I hope to be on the other side, hppier, making plans for my future. I don't see my husband in it. I still have hope we can talk about what's happened but I have no expectations from him anymore. I may have a seed of hope tucked away somewhere but its dormant for now and I have myself to think of. 

It's so easy to sit here and philosophise about things but I really need to walk the walk and not just talk. Action is key. this sounds bad and maybe it's the depression talking, but I'd much rather sit and write rubbish than take actual action. 

Deep breath. Ok, I'm going to book a session with my pt for tomorrow. Today I have to go pick up a few essentials. Take dogs out for a walk. (think I know how to get my reluctant dog in the car now, so that will make a huge difference!). Make some calls about debts. Hope I haven't left it too late, ive had my head in the sand. I think I'll go to the cinema. I don't mind going alone. I have vouchers from last year. Life of Pi is supposed to be good. I think that will do for today. Wish me luck!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Luck wished. Hug given.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Back down again. Got a lift from the weekend but it didn't last. God I'm so sick of this, same sh1t, different day. I don't even want to write here all the crap n my mind. Snowed again. Just so very tired, wish I could find enough energy to do something. I read depression sites and the advise all sorta of activities which I am sure are helpful but if you can barely get out of bed how do you ever get there? Very lonely. Tempted to message my husband. Have never gone this long NC. Hard to see beyond this at the moment.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

your doing great... It may not seem it,,, but keep the NC up.. its hard but worth it for you....tomorrow will be another day and you will get through this one.. just take it one day at a time.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Definitely keep the NC going Chopsy, remember there isn't anything you can say that you haven't already.

You wanted to beat my record for not reaching out or losing it? Well I fully intend to do some reaching on the 14th and 16th as you know so that will have been 31 days of "no us talk etc" from me. There is your next target if you want. 1 Calender month of resisting the temptation.

You are already doing so much better than a few weeks ago, keep it going!


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi Chopsy, i read your story and i really feel for you, i know its tough but you will get through this

I declared myself bankrupt late last year after the breakup of my marriage. I had no idea what was involved and spent days researching all the aspects online. I have a load of useful resources and links i can send you if you want?

Its a big step, and not one to be taken lightly, please get free professional advice first before making any decisions, but the main thing i found is that you need to secure a place to live first and the fees to declare yourself upfront (£700 in my case) 
This is less if you are on benefits.

The last few months i have had to force myself just to go out for a walk during the day, but the fresh air does you good. General chores too help, cleaning and planning meals etc. Im sure you know all this, i just found it hard sometimes to motivate myself too
Sounds like the offer of the house move would be ideal, no credit checks etc and a more affordable rent? Plus you wont be surrounded by the memories of the old place, that was a big step upwards for me when i left the former matrimonial place

Keep up the NC! your doing really well, the more you do the more it becomes easier! 

Stay strong:smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> your doing great... It may not seem it,,, but keep the NC up.. its hard but worth it for you....tomorrow will be another day and you will get through this one.. just take it one day at a time.


Thanks DYC2. You're right, there's always tomorrow. Hard to remember sometimes when I'm in the thick of it, thanks for reminding me.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Definitely keep the NC going Chopsy, remember there isn't anything you can say that you haven't already.
> 
> You wanted to beat my record for not reaching out or losing it? Well I fully intend to do some reaching on the 14th and 16th as you know so that will have been 31 days of "no us talk etc" from me. There is your next target if you want. 1 Calender month of resisting the temptation.
> 
> You are already doing so much better than a few weeks ago, keep it going!


Shall try to reach that record! I'm afraid I'm going to have make contact tho, and it sucks but I have no options. My car is due mot and tax this month. Bit worried about the tires. 

Am I really better than weeks ago? Wouldn't have thought it. Thanks for saying it tho!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

deepthought said:


> Hi Chopsy, i read your story and i really feel for you, i know its tough but you will get through this
> 
> I declared myself bankrupt late last year after the breakup of my marriage. I had no idea what was involved and spent days researching all the aspects online. I have a load of useful resources and links i can send you if you want?
> 
> ...


Hi Deep, thanks for your post. Am facing up to bankruptcy now, and looking online for info, any advic/info you have would be much appreciated. 

Am forcing myself outside most days now. Have two dogs. I feel guilty as I know they don't always get enough exercise. The fresh air does help. Not so good with chores and cooking, my appetite is rubbish. I know I need to do more but it's tough. 

The house move isn't confirmed yet but hopefully it will. I may not be able to stay there for ages, a year or two, hard to say beyond that. I know if I go bankrupt my credit rating will be shot and might be trouble to find a new place, but I know a few people in the area I would be moving to and hopefully I could find something if need be. if I don't get out of this house I will go mad! Just need a break and a change.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Dont worry, i didnt feel like eating for months, had to force it! im sure many will have experienced the same lack of appetite. But you must stay strong and healthy as worry and nerves that your feeling at this time take energy from you. A good solid meal will make you think and feel a whole lot better!

Here is Piggy Banks link to BK. Lots of useful stuff on process and experience etc
Bankruptcy, information & personal experiences - Piggy Bankrupt

Also here is the UK Government website BIS. This is run by the government and totally free and impartial expert advice over the phone
The Insolvency Service | BIS

Please though, before you make any decisions, take full and proper expert advice on your particular situation regards finances, and avoid the so called "help" agencies that want to try and charge you a fee just for filling out the forms for you!!

All the advice i searched for told me to rent a place first, pass the credit checks etc before going BK as after it would be harder to pass credit checks, but saying that, im 5 months into my 6 month lease now and i am looking to move somewhere a bit more suited to my new life, and i spoke with a local estate agent and asked them at the beginning of the call "i am interested in some of your rental properties and i am bankrupt, is that a problem for you?" i was passed onto the manager who told me that as i was in full time employment, and if i could provide a guarantor, then it would be ok

I dont want to hijack this thread about bankruptcy as its off topic if i can give you any more info please feel free to ask


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I am certain you are doing better. I domt mean its getting easier for you yet but you sre handling it better.

Small victories Chopsy.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

deepthought said:


> Dont worry, i didnt feel like eating for months, had to force it! im sure many will have experienced the same lack of appetite. But you must stay strong and healthy as worry and nerves that your feeling at this time take energy from you. A good solid meal will make you think and feel a whole lot better!
> 
> )


Take it from experience this is very true. Over the last 5 months I’ve lost 55 pounds but as soon as I saw how much weight I lost in the first month (25lbs). I made myself eat a few healthy things a day. I had no appetite at all, it even made me sick to look at certain foods sometimes. But the last time I went through this I ended up making myself so sick and ended up gaining all the weight back plus 30 lbs. I was determined something good would come of this and me being healthier is one. I work out 4 times a week and walk almost every night and its more about getting in shape for me now rather than losing weight. I basically eat what I want because some days I still don’t have much of an appetite but other days I’m famished. I find if I at least have some calcium and vegetables I feel better.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

deepthought said:


> Dont worry, i didnt feel like eating for months, had to force it! im sure many will have experienced the same lack of appetite. But you must stay strong and healthy as worry and nerves that your feeling at this time take energy from you. A good solid meal will make you think and feel a whole lot better!
> 
> Here is Piggy Banks link to BK. Lots of useful stuff on process and experience etc
> Bankruptcy, information & personal experiences - Piggy Bankrupt
> ...


thanks for the links, I will look them up tomorrow. I will likely do my bk through CAB as I've been seeing a debt counsellor there. I'm on benefits too so would get some kind of reduction I think. I'm not going to make a move until I've done some reading and made surer have a new place to go. I was rather cheered by what you said about looking for a new place and they seemed happy with you in ft work and a guarantor. 

I really appreciate the help. I'll check the links out tomorrow!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Take it from experience this is very true. Over the last 5 months I’ve lost 55 pounds but as soon as I saw how much weight I lost in the first month (25lbs). I made myself eat a few healthy things a day. I had no appetite at all, it even made me sick to look at certain foods sometimes. But the last time I went through this I ended up making myself so sick and ended up gaining all the weight back plus 30 lbs. I was determined something good would come of this and me being healthier is one. I work out 4 times a week and walk almost every night and its more about getting in shape for me now rather than losing weight. I basically eat what I want because some days I still don’t have much of an appetite but other days I’m famished. I find if I at least have some calcium and vegetables I feel better.


 I definitely don't want to get sick. Ive lost about 15 pounds but I'm at 110 so don't want to lose much more. I want to start working out as soon as I'm stronger. I used to work out all the time, and am now so weak! As you say, it's important to get something good out of this! I also don't worry about what I eat but I know it's not what I'd call a balanced diet! Definitely room for improvement! I'm thinking of starting running again, tho I know I'm in for a shock. It's all baby steps for me anyway. Good for you on making a positive out of this! Im glad youre better now, scary to lose so much weight like that. Am inspired to make some changes now and get back my fitness.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Woke up feeling ok in my head. Definitely think I'm getting some effect off the tablets now. 

Got my reluctant old boy in the car today, he's been difficult about going in the car..think I will take the dogs out somewhere everyday so he can get more used to the car. He always lies down on the floor in the back but maybe I will try him with a doggy seatbelt. 

We went to some fields, all the fields near me have sheep in them. Still some snow out there. The fields have so much standing water it's almost swampy. Wore my wellies.

So if I can get myself out everyday that will be a bonus too. The fresh air does make a difference 

Went to the cinema tonight. I can't even remember the name of the movie! Not brilliant but ok. I had vouchers from last year. 

My nephews birthday tomorrow, 16. Can't believe it.he was a baby when I first came here. will get him a slipnot tshirt or hoodie, maybe the lates horror DVD. Not sure what else. New drumsticks? Going out for a meal tomorrow too. Just a pub I think. I feel bad my H won't come for these birthdays, he missed his other nephew's 18th birthday and now this one. This is his family. Makes me a bit sad that he has isolated himself so much. SIL think he may have left the posOW, but doesn't know for sure. 

Have some kind of appt at the job centre tomorrow for career advice. Also have to sign up for an it course at the local college, my computer skills need an update.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree with what KC said a few posts back. You re handling things so much better these days. You’ve grown a lot, Chopsy, and are much stronger than you were when we first met you. Good for you!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Just have to share the funny thing that happened today... I went to a Dr's apt and the nurse weighed me and told me to have a seat, while she was entering info in computer she came back and said would you mind getting on the scale again I think I miss read it....... LOL I said you didn’t miss-read I’ve lost a lot of weight since I’ve been here last....but I did it and she congratulated me....


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

well done dyc2! nice to have someone notice, even if its just the nurse!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

just got back from my nephew's birthday. we went bowling, played pool and went to Nando's. My H had been at my SIL's during the day. He had asked me some time ago to drop off his contact lenses which were still being delivered to me. He said it was more convenient but I know its because he doesnt want to face me. It stings, its not like I'm a monster. Anyway I did it. I also left a poetry book I had ordered for him and which arrived shortly after he left me. I also had a copy of NMMNG and I left that for him too. This was awhile ago. I also, sadly, wrote a poem and left that too. It wasn't a love poem as such, maybe I will post it here. I know I must be so the thickest person on TAM. 

Anyway he came and took the books and the contact lenses this afternoon. MY SIL says he didn't even stop for a cuppa. 

Today, I was out getting stuff for my nephew and when in the card shop, I decided to get my H a valentine card. I KNOW. I am a FOOL. My thinking was that he is my husband and I still love him. I think I thought maybe he would appreciate the gesture. We used to do romantic things on valentines for each other, give each other little surprises and such. I feel so stupid now. Anyway I left it at my SIL's, tho my H wont get it until he comes by again. At least he left a card and some cash for my nephew's birthday. Although I felt a little hurt there, not that my nephew got a card and cash (£50) but that I haven't had a penny from him in months and my rent has not been paid for Jan and Feb. I asked if he would help me pay for my mot and tax and have yet to have a reply. I may have to park my car at the end of the month. I didn't even have enough money to buy a gift for my nephew, had to borrow £20 from my SIL. The dole doesn't go very far, filled the car and topped up my phone, bought some dog food and it's gone. I guess he had really just stopped caring for me. 

I'm feeling so down now. I think when I go out and have a nice time, I just get really down when I get home. I just feel so incredibly stupid. I should know better. I should know that my husband doesn't give a sh1t about me anymore. I am so thick. We had such a great life. We really loved each other and he turned it off like a switch. I am utterly disposable to him. Our marriage is disposable. Im just tired of my sh1tty life.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m sorry, Chopsy. I don’t remember if you have answered this before, but have you looked into legal aid. I know you have defended him in the past, but I just think there may more to his financial situation than he is letting on. He may not be rolling in money but if he is doing okay, it is not right that he is leaving you in the situation that you are in.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Oh Chopsy. I know its tough not to but you have to force yourself to stop chasing.

Is it possible to get the card back? I know I am a fine one to talk but it seems like a bad idea to let him have it?

Regardless. Stop berating yourself. You have to be kinder to yourself along with the tough love. Sounds contradictory but be tough with what you need to do but gentle about how you do it.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

How you doing on this perfectly nomal, not special at all day (grr)?

Sending /hugs just in case you need em.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I know now that my husband truly doesn't care anymore about me. Am feeling very low today, went to an appt at the job centre for career advice, plastered a smile on and got through it. Felt worse and worse, drove to surgery to try and see someone today but no apps till Monday. went home, went to bed. Lots of suicidal thoughts today, pathetic, I know. I just can't see any future for me anymore. My life is so unrelentingly bleak that I cannot see how it will ever change. I am alone every day except for occasional apps and yoga. Didn't go to yoga today, couldn't face it. I just want to hide in a dark cave. 

I'm not dwelling on my husband too much. I'm nothing to him, I can see it now. I realise I am totally disposable to him. I'm a fool. 

Everything hurts in my body, I want to sleep all day. I can't seem to rise above it. I am just so tired of trying, there's just nothing left in me. I just wish I had one person I could talk with openly and who could give me a hug now and again. Sometimes I think my SIL thinks my depression is just attention seeking. Sometimes I feel she doesn't want to understand, she has her own pressing issues. Sometimes I think if I dropped off the earth, not one person would even notice. That's why I can't top myself because of th animals, and no one would even look for me for so long, and they would be alone. I'd have to make sure they were being looked after somewhere else.to be honest. They deserve a better life than with me. 

Sorry this isn't meant to be very depressing. I'm so busy ttrying to make other people feel ok about me, so I thought I would just unload some feelings.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Don't apologise. Especially here, that's what we are her for.

When my dark cloud is on me, I make a point of shedding some light on it. Especially on TAM. Don't be ashamed of it either, just accept you have it. The shame is just another negative feeling on top of everything else. Now I don't mean sit down with your depression having a chat over tea and cake like friends. Acknowledge it, then try to fight it. Even trying what feels unsuccessfully really helps. Don't be passive, force yourself to take action -like you did today.

Did you get CBT stuff to do along with the meds? It really does help to do that if you don't already. Takes some time and practice for the methods to help but stick with it.

It's ok that you have had a setback. What you need to see is that it hasn't set you back as far as it would have a while ago. You still got through the appointment which is a definite victory. Well done. I know how hard it can be to get through the simplest for things when feeling really down, so seriously the fact you did that then actually went for more help too is great. You need to start seeing these small victories and try to take pleasure in them. Somehow you have to break the circle of dark thoughts.

As to pleasing others? I really think this is massive for you. Stop it already. Right now what is important, is what you think of yourself. You need to concentrate on yourself not the ex, not anyone else. Your self esteem is clearly shot to pieces and that has to be the first thing you look at. Forget the ex, forget what others think of you and start thinking of yourself and putting yourself first. 

If you are actually feeling suicidal now, please pick up your phone, call someone you know that will listen or call the Samaritans or similar. You need to unburden yourself. Doing it here is a great start but please reach out physically too if you need to.

If there is anything other than virtual hugs I can do for you just say. I believe you can get through this and find happiness again. I get that atm you don't but I have been there before, it is possible to pull yourself back out.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

how did you get so wise KC?? You're right, I did get to that appt even tho I was desperate not to. and I did go the surgery even tho they couldn't get me in. I've had a sleep, made myself eat some frozen pizza and shared the rest with the dogs. Its the physical and emotional exhaustion that wears me down. Never got any CBT stuff, tho I did get sent a booklet on it, tho all the questions put me off. I studied CBT so I know about it. Maybe I'll try being more aware of my thoughts and track them. You so right about everything. I do want to protect people from seeing how in the sh1t I am and yeah I am also ashamed as hell. must get over that. writing some poetry helped I think. Anyway tomorrow is another day so I've heard. It was just tough today and being Valentines Day didn't help either- felt like an enormous loser freakazoid. How are youfeeling about today? I know you didn't get a negative reaction but nothing particularly positive. Have you said about the show yet? chin up, I'm rooting for you.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I wouldn't say I'm wise but I have made a lot of mistakes and been through just about every bad thing someone can have happen and managed to still be here. It's more stubborn persistence than wisdom. 

The better advice I couldn't have given say 3 months ago as my head was much to far up my own ass.. Just wait. Once you get this beat, and you will.. things look so different all of a sudden.

Yeah she knows which show. I wanted it to be a surprise, but pfft, women and wanting to dress appropriate etc so I said just a show at the Lowry. When she asked which show I said it's a surprise to which she said "You do know I am already googling it on my phone"..

So yeah she knows which show. She commented ooh I'm impressed which i am trying to not read anything into as other than that all I got was thank you for the card. We'll see how Saturday goes with the kids being out the way.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I wake up and feel ok, but it just goes downhill from there. Sent my h an email regarding the rent. I wrote everything I've been hiding from him. I realise he no longer cares. I asked again if he would help me with my mot and tax and a vet trip for one of the cats. I have no expectation but it would be nice if he helped for the animals' flea and worming treatments and vet visits. 

I wrote six poems last night. All crap, but it was good to write. I had an email from a friend in Wales, they run the poetry group. They asked if I would come over for a few days and maybe attend a poetry group meeting. My problems is the animals. It wouldbe nice to get away. They know my situation. They've always been like parents to me, the parents I wish I had. 

Everything else is the same. Still here. Still thinking about suicide and what happens after. I believe in reincarnation, wonder if the suicides have to live their lives over again? That would suck. Or maybe they just get moved on to the next life but have more sh1tty karma to deal with. That would also suck. 

I am not going to top myself. I just wish I had some distractions to take me away from myself for awhile.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I wake up and feel ok, but it just goes downhill from there. Sent my h an email regarding the rent. I wrote everything I've been hiding from him. I realise he no longer cares. I asked again if he would help me with my mot and tax and a vet trip for one of the cats. I have no expectation but it would be nice if he helped for the animals' flea and worming treatments and vet visits.
> 
> I wrote six poems last night. All crap, but it was good to write. I had an email from a friend in Wales, they run the poetry group. They asked if I would come over for a few days and maybe attend a poetry group meeting. My problems is the animals. It wouldbe nice to get away. They know my situation. They've always been like parents to me, the parents I wish I had.
> 
> ...


Oh Chopsy. You said in your other post that you wondered if you dropped off the face of the earth if anyone would notice. And here you say that your friends in Wales are like parents to you. Do you not think they would notice?

Are you going back to the surgery on Monday? Please do and please mention about the suicidal thoughts. You say that you don’t plan to act on them, but please, please talk to the doctor about them. You don’t know what could happen if you sink further down.

What about Wales? Maybe you can’t swing it now, but are you looking forward to the move?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Don't apologise. Especially here, that's what we are her for.
> 
> When my dark cloud is on me, I make a point of shedding some light on it. Especially on TAM. Don't be ashamed of it either, just accept you have it. The shame is just another negative feeling on top of everything else. Now I don't mean sit down with your depression having a chat over tea and cake like friends. Acknowledge it, then try to fight it. Even trying what feels unsuccessfully really helps. Don't be passive, force yourself to take action -like you did today.
> 
> ...



Good post KC...good post. 

Chopsy...he's written what I would write you girl... 

c'mon now... you love your pets right? They depend on you...and need you...you have to keep going for yourself and them...you need to do all you can to figure this out. 

KC is right...you need to reach out to someone physically close to you


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

And please keep checking in. We would notice if you disappear from here. 

Have the suicidal thoughts only been since starting meds?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Stella for checking in. Yes my animals keep me going. I could never abandon them. I just sometimes think they deserve better than me.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

God KC you must get tired of all this. My tablets were increased just over two weeks ago, now 30g citalopram, suicidal thoughts began a week ago. The Monday appt is with a dr I've never met. I'd have to wait till Thursday to see my regular dr, but when I stopped in on thurs I didn't think I could wait. I dont feel so suicidal now tho still not great. I'll try to get out today. I have a long way to get to normal. Isn't that what anti-depressants are supposed to do? How long was it for you to feel ok? I feel like they might as well give me the top dose at this point. I dread having to see a new dr on Monday. Hope he will be a little sympathetic. I saw one who asked if I really needed to be on the tablets at all. Are you kidding me????

I don't have one person to physically reach out to. I have some Facebook friends but they all live far away. I can hug my dogs tho. 

I think the worst is being so broke I can't go anywhere, not having anyone to talk to, except you KC. I go days and days without seeing a person. My sil rarely calls, just too busy with her own life I guess. Not having any distractions at all. Have watched the films I have, I don't have any telly as couldn't afford the tv license. I listen to the radio. Can't read, no concentration. Please don't think I'm expecting you to "fix" this, I know men like to fix things. It is what it is. 

Oh, you know I wrote that email to my H,said everything I had been hiding, that I was near bankruptcy, broke, very depressed with suicidal thoughts almost everyday. He sent a text today- I will send you money on Monday. That's it. He can't see anything as his head is so far up his own ass. Refuses to acknowledge my pain. Oh well, it is more than I expected tbh. 

Hope you have a great day today KC. Thinking of you and wishing you much luck.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy, **** that waste of space you deserve better.

Make sure you are honest with doc about your thoughtd even if you dont inyend to act on them. It is possible the meds are controbuting to that.

I mean it though you have to stary looking out for number one.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I second KC’s advice. Tell the doctor about the suicidal thoughts. Perhaps your meds need increasing. Perhaps they need changing.

Just a thought. I don’t know how far you are from the nearest elementary school (Infants in England?), but I know we love to have volunteers to help in the classrooms or read with struggling readers. Here you would need a criminal record check. But it would be something to get you out of the house. Or maybe look into volunteering at a hospital. 

Maybe you’re not up for something like this yet. But if you are, volunteering can be a great spirit-lifter.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

You need a job. You still job hunting?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Well tbh job hunting has slipped off the agenda the past couple weeks. I know, I need to try harder. Thanks Stella for reminding me!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Keep it near the top. Independance will help you loads. The volounteering suggestion is a good one. Schools charity shops etc. Just get out there and occupied.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I will keep the appt Monday tho not looking forward to having to see a dr I've never met and explain myself. Dreading it. I may also make another appt for thursdayor friday to see my regular dr (she only works thurs and fri). 

I have thought about volunteer work, but haven't looked into it. It does interest me, Ill try to get to the volunteer centre on Monday. Hope I'm up for it!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I do think once you find a Dr that takes you mental issues seriously it is well worth sticking with that one as much as possible but yeah still go Mon.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Update: feeling moderately improved. Suicidal thoughts diminishing a bit. Still going to bring it up with the dr. Am so tired (and ashamed) of being in pjs all day, in bed all day unable to do anything. It sucks. I'm not normally a weak person. I am starting to see my bad feelings as depression talking, and not the real me. I think being able to talk here freely about what I've been feeling, even the suicidal thoughts, has really helped me. I was so embarrassed by the suicidal thoughts, how cliched, but being able to open up about it has made a difference for me. Ok I'm not cured, but I do feel not so bleak. Am going to have a shower and go out with the dogs. I feel lighter, like maybe I can get through this. 

You lot, KC, Frost, Stella, Dontpanic and more, who come on my thread and offer support, well I don't know what I would do without you. I'm lacking support in the real world but so grateful for all the support I have here. It's made all difference for me. I know I don't comment on other peoples thread much as I never feel I have any advice, being so messed up myself. But I do read your threads. You're all in my thoughts xox


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds like you are thinking about the negative thoughts the way I do mine.

There is the real me. I am Dr Jekyl. My depressed alter ego is Mr Hyde.

I do find it helps to seperate the two.. I can get critical of the depressed thoughts withoit criticising myself. You know how its easier to give advice than to live by it yourself. Its like that; I talk straight and blunt to Mr Hyde and put him back in his cage.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

chopsy, Im hoping you have a better day today hun. Its so tuff and then add not having any money to take your self out shopping or something just seemes to add to it. I took my dogs out for a ride this morning, not a long one but they always loved going on a trip with the stbxh and my self so I told them to hop in the car and off we went. I had no designation because of not having money and its really cold outside... but we ended up at a lake that we walked around for a while. so they got their ride in and their walk in. also I feal better because I spent some time on them. (I posted some pic of them in Social) Its hard to think out side the box when you cant even get out of yourpjs but try anyways... it will help.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I saw your doggy pics, very cute! My one dog loves the car, the other one is very reluctant. I wish we had lakes here. Most lakes here are just for fishing. Anyway sounds like you and the dogs had a nice time. 

I did have a better day. I managed to drag my ass out of bed, showered, took the dogs out for a proper walk up the hill near me. Knackering but good. Sunny day, that always helps, I then did some laundry and went to cinema later. I have vouchers from last year, so it only cost me my parking. 

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine. She's my SIL's ex-hisband's new wife. Well not that new anymore. She's American. I've been friends with her for awhile but she can be very dominating in conversations. Anyway I've not talked with her for awhile. Nobody calls me except people wanting money from me so it was nice to talk with someone. She asked of her and her husband could come up next weekend and help me with stuff around the house. I need all the help I can get. I'm ashamed of how much needs doing but she insisted and I said yes, I feel quite cheered by that now, having someone over for the first time in ages. She said they'd bring groceries and cook, as she knows I haven't been able to cook. She asked of I could make waffles one day- I make great waffles and it's easy for me, and it would be nice to make something for someone. I used to cook a lot and we'd have big parties and I cooked for everyone. So yeah, I've actually got something to look forward to now. 

I think why things were different today is because I am so freaking bored of being in this house all the time. I hope to build on today and get out a little tomorrow. Also, had a text from h saying he's sending me some money. He is still with the posOW. I still can't fathom why as I've heard she's a bad f*ck and he's unhappy and I've also heard shed annoying. It just hurts still that he chooses her over me. He is still in counselling, so that's a good thing. But I just need to focus on myself now and go NC, no exceptions. I can't keep making myself face more pain. Until he wants to talk, I am no longer available. Maybe in a few months I'll decided I've had enough. But for now NC is the only way. Theres no point in trying to engage someone in conversation when they clearly dont want to talk to me. And I so regret sending that email the other day, what a fool I am. Well nothing new there! LOL


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I saw your doggy pics, very cute! My one dog loves the car, the other one is very reluctant. I wish we had lakes here. Most lakes here are just for fishing. Anyway sounds like you and the dogs had a nice time.
> 
> I did have a better day. I managed to drag my ass out of bed, showered, took the dogs out for a proper walk up the hill near me. Knackering but good. Sunny day, that always helps, I then did some laundry and went to cinema later. I have vouchers from last year, so it only cost me my parking.
> 
> ...


Regret is a waste of time and emotional energy. Try not to go there.

I like KC’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde suggestion. 

Why does your H stay with such an unpleasant woman? My H did the same thing. I think you said that you read my thread. Well, when we were in the process of reconciling, he remarked that he should have left her after the first bogus email. I asked why he didn’t and his answer was, “I don’t know”. As time passed, he became more aware of her faults, yet he stayed. Why? My theory is that he had already left one woman. Leaving this one would have meant admitting that he had made a huge mistake getting involved with her. When he finally did make the decision, he told me that he had known for some time that he should leave. But he didn’t. I don’t know, but I think it would have involved a lot of emotional energy he just didn’t have. For one thing, he knew her enough by then to know that she would freak on him. He was drained and it was easier to stay. Just my theory.

I’m so glad you have your friend’s visit to look forward to!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi Frosty, thanks so much for your post. 

I also like KC's Jekyll and Hyde theory, going to implement that one.

I think you're right about whyhe stays. I know his emotional energy is totally depleted. And maybe she's a bit of a crutch, a distraction from his unhappiness. He needs to work that one through,what he really wants. I think he is very depressed too.anyway hope his therapy helps him. I cannot help him, so I need to help myself now. 

And you're right, regret is a waste. I wrote that email to express my feelings honestly, not aggressively, just open and honest. I have no expectation from him. I actually feel compassion for him. Maybe I am delusional. I wonder if I focus on him to avoid facing myself. Maybe. Anyway I do need to focus on me now. 

And it does help having something positive to look forward to, although I was reluctant and have put people off from visiting, despite being so lonely, only because I am ashamed of how low I have fallen. I know I can't help it and it's not my fault but I do still feel ashamed about the state of my house and the state of me. Well, knowing she is coming in a week might motivate me to do more.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> I asked why he didn’t and his answer was, “I don’t know”. As time passed, he became more aware of her faults, yet he stayed. Why? My theory is that he had already left one woman. Leaving this one would have meant admitting that he had made a huge mistake getting involved with her. When he finally did make the decision, he told me that he had known for some time that he should leave. But he didn’t. I don’t know, but I think it would have involved a lot of emotional energy he just didn’t have. For one thing, he knew her enough by then to know that she would freak on him. He was drained and it was easier to stay. Just my theory.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> Dont you think it could also be that they are used to using woman? That they stayed with us untill something happened to force them away or even w/the OW, I mean if their truly, really unhappy why does it take another w to make them want to leave or have us kick them out. Why dont they leave on their own with out the crutch of someone else?.. I think they are weak and like to have their cake and eat it too. If we keep making excuses for their behaviour then the more we enable it (as I have done all these years). Sometimes actions do speak louder than words.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I saw your doggy pics, very cute!
> 
> Thank you, I of course love them and they are a real comfort right now. The little one was my husbands cuddler and really went through a hard time with him gone. When he stops by he hardly gives them any attention now. I thought for sure he would want joint custody but he says no. I can have them... so ok.
> 
> ...



UGH Rejection!!! What can you say about that...? It hurts from the tip of your toes to the top of your head. As a woman it fills every fiber of your being. Especially if you can’t see an obvious reason for it. It would hurt anyways if it was for a 23 year old but at least you could say... yep he wanted a younger harder body. When they go for someone uglier, fatter, stupid it almost makes you feel worse and say what the heck was wrong with me? I used to feel that way, once in a while it creeps back in but I know that this is on him, not me.. It’s his weakness and faults, not mine. You’re doing the right thing with NC if you can keep it up with the money situation.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Dyc2, thanks for checking on. I can't believe your H left the animals with you. My wee cat used to snuggle we very night, I used to joke they should get a room. I've encouraged H to come see the animals, but he hasn't so far. I think it must be very hard on the animals too. My old boy seems most affected. He basically abandoned them as well as me. 

Had my dr appt today, had a locum instead of my regular dr.it was pretty much a waste of time. He talked rather abstractly, like one might say this, one might do that, some drs might say this...etc. I layed it on heavy, no exaggeration tbh, suicidal thoughts, severe depression etc. He just said come back next week. Wow. Helpful. I hate doctors!!!! I was so desperate on Thursday, so scared, got through the weekend somehow and that's what I get. 

Have another telephone assessment tomorrow, just checking in to see if I've topped myself yet, basically.

Really struggling to eat lately. Well it's not been my strong suit since this all kicked off, usually managed some yogurt or apple, or toast. Went to Tesco and bought two pizzas, juice, and a ready made cheese sandwich. Still not up to it, maybe later. 

Am feeling mostly ok, except for that dreadful dr. He talked too much and didn't give a rats ass about me.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You have another appointment with regular doc later in week though right?

I think I lucked out with my Dr thankfully. You have to eat Chopsy even when not hungry, same as you have to get up and do things when you dont feel like it.

Have to admit to struggling with motivation at times still, we have to keep working at it.

You can get there. You just have to keep at it!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

K.C. said:


> You have another appointment with regular doc later in week though right?
> 
> I think I lucked out with my Dr thankfully. You have to eat Chopsy even when not hungry, same as you have to get up and do things when you dont feel like it.
> 
> ...


I agree, go to the other Dr apt. and make sure you eat or drink some things that can noursh you. Like I said I lost 25lbs right off the bat in just a couple of weeks... dont do that....it makes you even more tired and depressed.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had that cheese sandwich, still wasn't hungry but ate it anyway. I really love Tesco cheese and onion sandwiches for some bizarre reason! Never have them because of the bread. Also had some chocolate I bought, Lindt with sea salt. I don't eat much but I don't deny myself anything. Chocolate is medicinal after all! 

I'm probably wrong, but I really feel like I have improved these two days. I'm still scared I could go back down again so will make that appt with my usual dr. I just feel a bit more positive. Not sure why. Nothing has changed. Maybe Mrs Hyde has gone into hiding for awhile. I'm not exactly dancing on tables better but enough self preservation to make myself eat a sandwich when normally I wouldn't. Enough to call my mum tonight and have a chat. I'm makings list of things to do to help me get better, such as getting out every day- that has to be a priority, I reckon I am depleted of vit D. Writing in my journal, writing my blog, continuing working on my poems. Write and email people I've stopped talking to. Depression has made me isolate myself so much. Having a bath/shower and dressing nicely, even if just jeans and a top, no fleeces or sweats! A bit of makeup and perfume. Maybe try going to another meetup. I've had two decentish days and just want to build on this. Thanks KC for the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde thing, makes so much sense and helps me distance myself from my depression, aka Mrs Hyde. Having made that mental disconnect I feel I can be me now and then.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Frostflower said:
> 
> 
> > I asked why he didn’t and his answer was, “I don’t know”. As time passed, he became more aware of her faults, yet he stayed. Why? My theory is that he had already left one woman. Leaving this one would have meant admitting that he had made a huge mistake getting involved with her. When he finally did make the decision, he told me that he had known for some time that he should leave. But he didn’t. I don’t know, but I think it would have involved a lot of emotional energy he just didn’t have. For one thing, he knew her enough by then to know that she would freak on him. He was drained and it was easier to stay. Just my theory.
> ...


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

My H also left under huge stress. Believe the OW serves a similar purpose, not that this excuses it. He made a decision, ok a rather poor decision but it was his choice. I fortunately I have acted weak and have not been as strong as I should have, making the stupid mistake thinking my situation was unique and I needn't take the advice on here. How incredibly foolish. Oh well I do not blame myself. I'm so glad I'm beyond that weak, needy stage. Re-read your whole thread yesterday Frosty and you held yourself with such strength and integrity throughout. I'm so glad he realised what he was about to lose, hope he continues to deserve you.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

awsome be glad for the good days, they will come more and more often and give a glimmer of hope.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just found it I won't be moving into the house I hoped to rent from a friend. I'm devastated. I was so counting on leaving this house. I don't know what's going to happen to me and my animals. I needed to move, I hate being here. It was the one thing I really needed to go right. Why can't I have any luck.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

That does suck but it's not a step back, dont't let it be one. It may not be the step forward you wanted but try not to let it get you down.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I don't know what I'm going to do. My husband hasn't paid the rent for January and February, I just got rejected for housing benefit, I can't afford it on my own. I have no other options. I just want to get away from here so much, and have a new start. My landlord is bound to kick me out when my lease expires in April. I'm just plain scared and devastated. I must have some bad karma.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I don't know what I'm going to do. My husband hasn't paid the rent for January and February, I just got rejected for housing benefit, I can't afford it on my own. I have no other options. I just want to get away from here so much, and have a new start. My landlord is bound to kick me out when my lease expires in April. I'm just plain scared and devastated. I must have some bad karma.


I’m not sure how they do it there, but here my lawyer can file a court action for immediate temporary support for me (from my stbxh) to move into an apt. if I needed it. I think you said you were doing legal aid right? Can you check with them about it? im a firm beleiver everything happens for a reason, you were not ment to go there is all.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Oh, Chopsy I’m so sorry. I know you had your heart set on it. 

HUG>


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I know you spoke to citizens advice about debt but did you ask about housing stuff?

Why were you rejected for housing benifit? Because of being financially linked to him or something else?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Got my big girl pants on today. Have to find somewhere or sort it here so I can stay. I'd rather move but may have to stay, as long as the landlords don't mind, I know they'd prefer I stay but the rent does need to be paid. 

I know why they declined me, they wanted another paper from me and I missed the text. In my defence, I get so many texts from people wanting money from me. And I have to face up to my money issues, instead of hiding my head in the sand. Will reapply with housing benefit, say its urgent, see if they can gt off their arses.ive been waiting since December for an answer from HB!! 

Called my H, said he has to pull his finger out and get the rent paid, he was on a train platform so said he'd call later so talk it over properly. It sucks, and I wish I was more independent but I need him on side for now. 

Also, must find a job, anything.ive been allowing my depression, aka Mrs Hyde to get the best of me. I have two options, hide my head under the duvet or make every effort to get my situation sorted. Still a bit scared tbh but I have to fight now.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You go girl!! proud of you!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hah Chopsy. Thats better.

Now lemme hear ya warcry soldier!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Rawr!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

That’s our girl!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Been to housing benefit, reapplied and said its urgent. Don't know if that will make a difference. Redoing my cv today, should have done it long ago. No other news as such. Have my dr appt tomorrow. Yoga tonight. I'm in a better place mentally than I was a week ago. I'm feeling more positive tho my situation is unchanged. 

I have guests coming this weekend too. Need to give the place a top to bottom so it doesn't scare them away. Am looking forward to having company.

Have my award ceremony for my archaeology certificate coming up. The deadline for tickets is tomorrow. I had decided I wouldn't go, but now thinking I might. It's late march. Would be nice to see my classmates again. 

I'm feeling very at peace with myself and my situation with my husband. Shame the rest of my life doesn't quite match up! 

Oh, my SIL said our yoga teacher does mentoring, cheap too, and SIL sees her and says she's very good. Not counselling, but would be nice to talk with someone.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Been to housing benefit, reapplied and said its urgent. Don't know if that will make a difference. Redoing my cv today, should have done it long ago. No other news as such. Have my dr appt tomorrow. Yoga tonight. I'm in a better place mentally than I was a week ago. I'm feeling more positive tho my situation is unchanged.


RAWR! 



Chopsy said:


> Have my award ceremony for my archaeology certificate coming up. The deadline for tickets is tomorrow. I had decided I wouldn't go, but now thinking I might. It's late march. Would be nice to see my classmates again.


*!!!!DO IT!!!!* In caps with !'s and bolded for a reason.. 



Chopsy said:


> Oh, my SIL said our yoga teacher does mentoring, cheap too, and SIL sees her and says she's very good. Not counselling, but would be nice to talk with someone.


Sounds like a good idea.


Chopsy, you are crazy (in the nice way).. the world is no longer falling apart so much so "no other news". Pfft, re-read your post. I see plenty of progress there, great stuff. You should give yourself credit where its due. :smthumbup:


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

That sounds really good Chops! things are moving in the right direction, Remember this stuff wont right itself overnight, takes time but because its such a lot of change, be it mentally, physically and your domestic life, it has to
Embrace your strength! these are the foundations and footings for a better and happier life for you!
i found this link some months back, and for me personally i found it a huge help during the darker times, have a read

"Rebuilding your life... when you think you have lost everything" Part 1 - The Light Beyond Bereavement Forums

Here is an excellent article about successful single living, it is something i still return to on a regular basis

Living The Single Life:  Becoming A Successful Single

take it easy

Deep:smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks deep thought for the post, I'll check those books you suggested. xo


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Ok having a bit of a panic. Got a text from landlord asking of rent needs to be paid or they'll get new tenants soon. Like next month. I wish I could have a nice home somewhere, nice and stale, job of some kind, I swear it's been 1000x times harder for me because I have to deal with virtually no control over anything, and constant sh1t being dumped on me. Might be homeless soon, I'm just so damned scared.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

It isnt as simple as no rent = Homeless. Check your rights hon.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Take control, Chopsy. Get that cv finished and into as many work places as you can find. 

You may have said, but whose name is the lease in?


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Take control, Chopsy. Get that cv finished and into as many work places as you can find.
> 
> You may have said, but whose name is the lease in?


whats a cv?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> whats a cv?


curriculum vitae....resume


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I was wondering if it meant resume...

thank you


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

no problem!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, the lease is on both our names.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Frosty, the lease is on both our names.


So, doesn’t that make him legally responsible for at least half of it? Maybe it will take for the landlord to go after him through the courts. I know you don’t want to see him in a worse financial pickle, but if I read it right, he is supporting another woman, leaving you with all this debt. He needs to man up here and if it takes legal action to get him to do it, so be it. 

I know that sounds harsh, but he promised to help, and you haven’t seen a cent. You are suffering because of his actions.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I agree with FirstF, altough I know its easier said than done... dont panic, this may be the start of what you need to get H to step up and be accountable.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi all, hope you know how awesome you are and how much I appreciate every comment and 2x4. Mwah. 

Had dr appt, no increased meds, says come back early march, also gave me a green card so if I start to slip I can get an appt right away. She's going to chase up the counselling too. She's very empathetic which helps. Wheni go in I don't have to explain everything, today went in and she said so how are you doing. Little things like that do make a difference. 

Took car to put air in one low tire, couldn't bloody figure it out, yes I am that thick, took to kwik fit, guy showed me why the tire needs to be replaced. £110!!! Put my card through,declined. It's almost 5:30 so went to bank machine to see if any cash left,just £18! I don't know how this happened, but I need to get my car or I'm walking 8 miles home. Called H. To be fair he came to my rescue, immediately transferred money to me, I ran back to kwik fit and paid my bill and drove home,sovery grateful as its freezing out there today and I didn't fancy the walk. We talked about the rent situation, he says he will call the landlord and pay a good portion of it next week. Also said he would help me find a new place to move to. I've texted the landlord and said he was handling it. He said he would definitely sort it and wouldn't see me and the animals on the streets. Hope this bides me enough time to get housing benefit sorted. I do want to move,have been looking, but I'm scared about having all the animals and my shoddy credit rating. May as well start smoking, I'm the ideal tenant! LOL I'm the type of tenant people run away from. If I could find somewhere small and manageable, smallish lawn I can take care of, and affordable rent as well as pet friendly, I would be so very happy. 

Still have people coming tomorrow, very anxious as I can't really cook and my house looks likes tip. these friends coming are usually hgh maintenance guests, you know the kind you have to make proper breakfast and lunch instead of just putting some stuff out and saying help yourself. I know, that makes me sound lazy, I like company that get their own cuppa when they want it, makes a sandwich or toast or whatever if they want. With guests I put out do it yourself kind of meals and then make a proper meal for dinner, like a mexican, a tagine, or a stew-type thing. Anyway they have assured me they know I'm not myself and will take care of everything. I'm very nervous about this, shall report back how everything goes. 

Have a great weekend everyone xox


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and I had a great idea, I long to have a proper party, am thinking once I'm settled,wherever I am, that I really want to throw a massive 80s party! I'm so excited about it, maybe this will help me push myself forward to get myself sorted. Maybe April or May. Gonna be huge. Inviting everyone I know, includes TAM! Get your leg warmers, rubiks cubes and Frankie says relax t shirts!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hmm, I’ve always wanted to go to Europe and I loved the 80s i was to busy raising kids to be young.... 

Chopsy, I think it all sounds great, as I said before its making your H step up as he should have been all along. It’s just to bad it has to be while you’re in distress. It makes them feel like their wonderful person when he's just doing what he should have been doing all along!! Royally ticks me off. I think once you get the housing and job situation straightened out you’re going to be a new person. 

As far as the house guest, I think this may be just what you need even if they are high maintenance. And you know what.. if they dont step up and start cooking for you, than put out a stew or the fixing for sandwiches and say help your selves this is the new me.... They may surprise you, and be there to really help you out with that kind of stuff......I hope you have an absolutely marvelous time darling...lol...xxoo


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Did someone say party?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

dyc2, love your post, thanks for saying what you did, I hope I'll be a new person too as I'm well sick of the old one! 

Yeah the separated one should have been doing his bit by now and yeah he probably feels like a hero. But I was grateful nonetheless. Hope he continues like this, he has some work catching up on his promises! 

Book your flight now dyc! Going to be epic!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah party! Omg I so need a full on get wasted, dance like a freak, kinda party. Going to be 80s/90s. Just posted invite on my Facebook page. April/Mayish hopefully. costume mandatory! Oh and bring lots.of.booze! This may just get me through the next few months. KC, This includes you!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

No promises but I may just take you up on that.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Well non arrival of guests, turned out their son has the flu, tho thy might come up in the week for a few days. 

The shame of them seeing the tip I call my house (still thought they were on their way), pushed me to do a top to bottom clean. Ok, I wouldn't be doing the white glove test butits reasomably tidy and clean. Still need to mop the kitchen floor. Pretty impressed with myself, just the mere threat of anyone seeing my hovel was enough to get me to do something about it. 

I am definitely improving now. Feel a bit more energetic, more motivated. It's like I've found the ladder in the dark and am climbing up. 

Lit some incense and candles this evening, did a protection and healing spell (I'm a witch), and a meditation.i have not done any witchy stuff in so long and couldn't even do a meditation. Ftw! 

Still looking for housing and jobs. Saw an ad in the village shop for pt waiters at a nearby pub I know well. Going to ring up tomorrow. it'll be twice what I get on benefits, plus tips. I've eaten there a few times and they draw a moderately well off clientele. There's a reason I can't afford my rent here, I live in a nice area of the country where everyone drives range rovers and keeps horses. Anyway if they took me on, it would be a step in the right direction.

Very much at peace with myself. It's likei can see some light as I crawl put of the darkness.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hey I got my house cleaned too must be a thing... sorry they didnt make it though!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah at least you still got something out of it though. Are you rescheduling with them?

Good luck with the job. A pub would be ideal for social interaction as well as money.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Could you come over and do my house now?

Fingers crossed about the job.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

KC they're coming sometime in the week. So that's cool. 

Now I'm over thinking, bit of a bad habit, that due to the hours for the pub job, 11-2, 7-9:30, I wouldn't be able to fit in another pt job, plus I do really need ft work. Pfft. Action not thinking needs to be my mantra.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Stopped myself over analysing, called up. Job is gone already, but I'm on the list if they need someone or the new person doesn't work out.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I wold have over-analysed in exactly the same way. Hopefully something else will come up soon. You can always take odd hours and continue looking for something better.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm desperate to take anything now as my advisor at the job centre wants to put me on mandatory work right away, which means working for four weeks, unpaid, at a charity shop or maybe Poundland. Not sure how that's going to help my cv. Pissed off, thinking how I can get around it. 

Guests are here. They've brought so much food, films, cakes, booze, cooked dinner too. I'm being spoiled and it's just lovely.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I'm desperate to take anything now as my advisor at the job centre wants to put me on mandatory work right away, which means working for four weeks, unpaid, at a charity shop or maybe Poundland. Not sure how that's going to help my cv. Pissed off, thinking how I can get around it.
> 
> Guests are here. They've brought so much food, films, cakes, booze, cooked dinner too. I'm being spoiled and it's just lovely.


Mandatory work? What is the purpose and how are you supposed to support yourself during that month? 

You deserve to be spoiled. Enjoy every minute of it!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Ahh stupid UK back to work initiatives.

Take the voluntary position if you have to choose between the two. Poundland wouldn't do much for your CV other than for maybe getting paid work at other retail places. You are only going to get the rubbish jobs the paid staff don't like etcetc.

Voluntary offers a wider range of potential skills to list and i would guess a more positive environment to be in.

I think you should be looking at voluntary work anyway as an outlet till you find work. It would let you see refresh your ability to interact with people and get you 'out and about' a bit more.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I'm desperate to take anything now as my advisor at the job centre wants to put me on mandatory work right away, which means working for four weeks, unpaid, at a charity shop or maybe Poundland. Not sure how that's going to help my cv. Pissed off, thinking how I can get around it.
> 
> Guests are here. They've brought so much food, films, cakes, booze, cooked dinner too. I'm being spoiled and it's just lovely.


see told u they might step up!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

lol....I thought Poundland was an animal shelter!! Guess its like our Dollar Stores.

I hope you can find a paying job, but KC has a point. It would give you some skills to put on your cv. I just don’t see how they expect you to live while you do the volunteer work.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Furious. Useless twat of a husband hasn't paid any rent yet. Texts me and says can I sell my pearls. Wtf? I am done. The wh0re can have him. Sent him a text saying as much.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

He is showing his true self again.

I think your anger is justified. I hope you pour it into positive pursuits though. Show yourself you dont need him. As you are now seeing.. He is no use to you.

Time to cut out the deadweight.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m sorry, Chopsy. I had a feeling he was playing you. KC is right. Get him out of your life. You deserve so much better.

Are you eligible for any assistance from Social Services until yo get on your feet?

Hug.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> Furious. Useless twat of a husband hasn't paid any rent yet. Texts me and says can I sell my pearls. Wtf? I am done. The wh0re can have him. Sent him a text saying as much.


There is no way you can live your life hoping your ex is or is not going to pay your rent. Everything happens for a reason, and him not paying is a lesson for you to stand on your own 2 feet. I know its easy for me to say that, but believe me, i have been there not so long ago. Its one step at a time, baby steps some say, and one you start to pilot your own life you will feel so much better in yourself. Do the basic things in life well, and the rest will follow 
:smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks for your thoughts KC, Frosty, and Deepthought. I'm doing ok. Still on the jobs/new home search. Feeling ok. I know I hung on to my H for too long as I felt we had such a good marriage that maybe it could be saved. I also believed him to be a good man, just confused and in MLC. I still believe that to be the case. But I'm done being used. I'm done being a door mat. I am focussing all my energy on moving forward now. I can see a glimmer of a future and know I will be ok I'm really looking forward to my new life now. I have no regrets. 

Guests have left. It was nice having them here but I still find it hard to get on with things when I have people staying over. I found it a bit overwhelming and a bit suffocating tbh. It was nice to have them here but it was nice to have them go. I have SO much to do and found it hard to get on with everything. I find it hard not to be tending to my guests every need, planning meals, cooking etc. 

Anyway am thinking now of concentrating my search in mid Wales. I know the area well, have a few friends, although it is more isolated than I would like and no train stations or easy access to motorways. Well who knows where I will end up. 

Working of fixing/ repairing things to sell to put towards the move. I don't care about those damned pearls and will sell them but keeping any money I get for them. He must think I am soooo stupid that I would fall for helping him again and he doesn't lift a finger, or more importantly, put his hand in his own pocket. No point selling electronics I've decided. Am going to give him two weeks to come and get his stuff. I'm giving notice today and moving out in a month, don't know where or how but I cannot stay here. I am finding strength in myself now, have unshackled myself from being emotionally tied to him, feel free to make my own decisions without consequence to him.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

He called, is paying all th back rent on Monday. Says he will continue to support me. I don't have to move. Please don't tell me to move anyway, I just cannot do it right now. If I can stay here six months, it will give me leverage to decide what I want. A new start has its benefits but staying put for awhile has its merits too- I can stay with the same dr as I work towards recovering from depression, stay with my yoga class and my new mentor (the yoga teacher), not have the burden of moving when I am on the edge already. I have my SIL and nephews close. I was so stuck not sure to look for a job or home first, where to start, find a job then hope to find a home? Or other way around? I have some stability now, for the first time in ages. He said he would continue to support me until I am ok on my own. I know. Just words. But it's all I have now. His business is improving, he was at work when he called.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

We cant tell you to do anything hon.

Move or dont, whatever is best for Chopsy. I certainly see the merit lf staying with same dr

You need to carry on as if he hadnt come through in the md. You need independance from him still.

If you decide to stay, the only thing that shouldnt come into that is him.

You have to presume he isnt coming back and one day will stop coming through when needed. You need to plan on that basis.

Even if part of your heart hopes forthe best, you need to plan for the worst.

Keep the big girl pants on and I'm sure you will be able to do this without him soon enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

definitely still got my big girls pants on! LOL I am so relieved he has stepped up as it allows me now to heal without all the trauma. I am working towards my new life and am moving on. I have no expectations of him except financial support. Priority one is a job, up till now I didnt know if I should look into Gloucestershire or Wales or Bristol etc. I am sure I can find work very soon. I've redone my cv and have upped my game bigtime. 
I dont expect him back at all, and am happy to focus on myself. I cant tell what a relief it is and I can finally begin to recover and create my new life. I feel very excited about the future now. But yeah I have to make my own way, I still have the training wheels on but they could come off any time.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

just had someone call regarding an ad I put up for my springer spaniel Pippa. I had given up selling her. she does need a family as it's just me and the old boy here. am freaking out now! If they're the right family for her, it will be the best for her but I am totally freaking out, love her to bits and feeling torn now!!!!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Having a tough day. Car MOT failed, several things wrong, will get the quote for repairs Monday. Another call from landlord, H still hasn't paid but has told her he will pay Monday. Hope he does, otherwise I'm back to looking for a new home. Maybe a it preemptive to feel so relieved, the dram isn't over yet. 

And my Pippa, I've been crying all day. I don't know know if I can let her go. It feels like another loss and brings back all the same feelings. She is so sweet and loving, but needs loads of exercise which I am not up to, but who knows in the future? My old boy doesn't play with her but I know he would miss her. It's possibly our last day together. I know my old boy is protective of her and he needs training to sort that, I've just not been able to do that at this time. I don't know what's right. This couple don't have kids or dogs but they go running and their dog recently passed. They sound nice. I guess I could see what they're like. I won't let her go to just anyone. Everyone says its the best thing as she is very high maintenance and quite draining bt maybe in six months I'll feel better. I wish this couple had kids, that would help as she loves children. I'm just feeling the pain of losing her, her joyful nature and her funny face. Don't know if I can do this. I've never had to do this before. I'm only doing this for her to have a better life. It's just so damn hard. Crying as I write this. 

And the horrible horrible thing is I really need the money I'm asking for her, this makes me feel liked terrible human being. 

Yeah not the best day.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm ok now, I'll see it through tomorrow and see what they're like. 

Had a thought, no I'm not obsessing, but it occurred to me there was teeny tiny breakthrough the other day when my H called. He asked how I was- normal for him, but just not interested in the answer. I said about going the dr next week to get my meds increased- and it's not like I've not told him before how depressed I am, suicidal thoughts etc- and he asked what meds. I said AD. And he seemed very surprised. Maybe it's the first time he's listened to me. He then asked if I was taking my other meds (I have a medical condition I take several meds for). First time he has shown any interest whatsoever. He used to ask me if I had taken my meds back in our old life, he used to do that all the time. Look, I'm notpinning my hopes on this or thinking its some major breakthrough. It just struck me as since this all kicked off, he's been not at all interested or even asked how I was coping. Maybe a glimmer of conscience? Who knows. Maybe his counsellor is helping, but I know he has a long way to go yet.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

In the long run you need to strive to be independent from your husband...down the road you may be moving and less pets will make that easier...(I have two dogs...one cat and a parrot)...sounds like your pup needs excorsize I think you said also? You have a lot to factor in when looking at the big picture it's not like your just 'selling' her so don't think of it that way. Re-homing can be a very very good thing. Your meeting the people so you need that good vibe and if you don't get it don't sell her. them not having kids is ok yanno...more attention to the dog! yes! That's the way I see it. 

You must keep on about the job...you need to find a job or two...it will be so good for you...I hope your stbxh comes through with that rent but you cant keep relying on him and sooner or later your landlord is going to get sick of it too.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I can’t imagine giving up my dog, but I hope that, if it were the best thing for him, I could do it. I know you’ll make the right decision.

Stella is right. You need to find a job and work toward complete independence. I truly hope your H comes through with the rent. It would give you a chance to get on your feet, but don’t fall back into relying on him. He has a terrible track record.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

If I was a in a bettr position financially and mentally, I would definitely have moved. I know he is not reliable and i dont feel secure at all. The landlord rang asking if he was going to keep his promise of paying all the back rent on Monday, if not, well ill be looking to move again. If I can eke out six months here then I will be in a better position. I must admit because i didn't know where I was going, I was looking for work all over the southwest and Wales. So now I am here, for now anyway, and totally focussing on here, hoping i get to stay here, that is. Starting to go around all the pubs and restaurants, ringing up companies etc. big time upping my game. 

Regarding my Pippa, no one showed. Bastards. They seemed so keen yesterday when we talked on the phone. Sorry, Pippa is the dog I am looking to rehome.

Now the other dog, Chopsy, isn't right today, been pukey, eating grass for Britain, can't settle now, hiding in corners. Might do chicken and rice for him tonight, hope he's better soon, poor lad. 

My oil tank is really low so back to wood fires and hot water bottles and hot drinks. It's not too cold here,but I would normally have the heating on now as a bit chilly, especially in a drafty old house.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I so look forward for you being able to cut ties with him. The day you no longer have 'reasons' to 'have' to contact him will be huge weight off your shoulders I think.

Keep looking to make yourself independent. I suspect when you achieve that first step you will be full speed ahead.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Once again KC has said it and said it well.

Hope poor Chopsy is feeling better.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

One other thing.

You need independance so you can settle on where you live. Screw what Chopsy wants, some of us need to know where the party will be to see if we can come to it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

K.C. said:


> One other thing.
> 
> You need independance so you can settle on where you live. Screw what Chopsy wants, some of us need to know where the party will be to see if we can come to it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That’s what I like about KC.....he knows how to prioritize!


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

K.C. said:


> I so look forward for you being able to cut ties with him. The day you no longer have 'reasons' to 'have' to contact him will be huge weight off your shoulders I think.
> 
> Keep looking to make yourself independent. I suspect when you achieve that first step you will be full speed ahead.



Agreed


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Another day in paradise. Spent th afternoon in the hell I call the housing benefit office. Number 661 was called and then it was another 50 min before they called 662. I was 669. Finally was seen and apparently my claim is still ongoing despite one letter that said t was declined and another that said bring in more paper. Only claimed mid Dec! got back to my car and had a parking ticket. I had booked two hours for this, and it still wasn't enough! 

Went and bought dog food with the last £5 I have. 

Mot failed, not sure if wrote about that. Repairs around £250 plus a new tire, plus £137 for the tax disc. No chance of me coming up with that so at the moment, my car is illegal. Please don't report me anyone! 

I'm not driving much anyway, almost out of petrol, just the benefits today and went and printed my cv and and ad for my dog Pippa to put in th village shop windows. 

Texted H today to ask if he had paid any rent as he promised. He paid £1500 yesterday so that brings it to march. He said he'd get another £1000 in this week and I could pay £500. Wtf? Is he off his head? I texted back much of what I wrote here. He said he would try to make it up. Sent the text to my SIL and she was like wtf too. 

Speaking of my SIL, I am feeling more and more pissed off with her. She never ever tells me if H has called her and what he said (I know, I shouldn't care), if she ever by chance mentione he called, which she never does, its like she can't remember anything. She never invites me out. I found out yesterday her and the boys and girlfriends went to the cinema on the weekend. Never called me. I hate that. I am truly on my own and never speak to anyone all week. She never calls me anymore. I see her at yoga and that's it, I can't even go to yoga this week cos of money and no chance of seeing the mentor for same reason. 

I must say its hard to be positive but I am still fighting. I wake up in a fairly positive mood but life just keeps knocking me back. 

No job yet but I am really going for it now. Just praying something comes through soon. 

I hate posting all this crap. I swore I wouldn't post until I had good news. But tbh if I waited for that, it could be forever the way things are going, someone give me a slap or 2x4.

Sorry folks, same sh1t, different day.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Post whatever you need when you need to. Forget that positive spin bull.

You should stop stressing about the housing situation. You cannot be simply evicted. There is a process (that can be quite lengthy) for a landlord to evict a tenant. Look into it. You have certain rights even with non payment of rent.

Keep doing what you are, it's a tough time to be looking for work but keep looking, be open and flexible in what you are wiling to do and something will come of it. Keep trying to sort your entitlements out too. We have a welfare system for a reason and there are many less deserving taking advantage of it than you. If you are entitled, claim it.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

You know, On a posative note, if your sil isnt telling you aobut their conversations she probably isnt telling him our your conversations. she sounds like a person that knows how to stay neutral and thats priceless.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks KC. Feeling really down this evening, I guess that's still the depression, a not so good day and it kicks me down. Seeing the dr on thur, not feeling confident she will raise my dose. I still never feel normal, or have anywhere near normal energy. It's only the fact I am facing sink or swim that (eventually) gets me going. Still struggling with sleep and diet. Not lost any more weight tho! Boo!! 

Signing on tomorrow- how exciting, then taking my pearls in to get valued and hopefully a good price to sell, but I am expecting to be disappointed. They were around a grand when H bought them. Never worn. I appreciated the thought and I love jewellery but pearls seem middle aged. Anyway I never had anything to wear them with. And now they are my most valuable asset! LOL I do have some other bits of jewellery I may also try to sell, have to get the car sorted, or I'll never be ale to get a job, living so far in the sticks. 

Sometimes I get very lonely, even on here. I know that sounds bad and it's only because I'm so shy I guess. Sometimes it feels like high school and I am still an outsider. I know I am being very childish here and life is what you make it. Guess Mrs Hyde is talking.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Man I get miserable in th evening. Maybe my expectations are too hgh for what I want to accomplish in a day. That parking ticket yesterday just broke me, I mean, it's just a ticket, gt a grip! I'm flying too close to the ground,small things still knock me over. 

Anyway another day, late afternoon here. Took the pearls and a few bracelets to a couple jewellers, including the one that sold my husband the pearls. No offers. The pearl lady doesn't do resale and the two other jewellers said its not their market, and for the other pieces the offers were just so low i couldn't sell. I still like all my jewelley, even the pearls. The pearl lady said they could restring the for me to a more wearable length. Anyway, a friend is interested in them, but can't imagine she will want to pay me more than a hundred max it was suggested I try the posh antique shop in town so I did. Left them over night, they gt put in their safe, and the valuing person is in tomorrow and will ring me. 

Had a text from Linda, my yoga teacher and she wants to meet Monday morning for a chat about mentoring. 

Oh and the best best news, a friend (the same one interested in the pearls) has offered to pay for my car's mot, repairs and tax. I feel terrible her offering and me accepting, she strong armed me into it. It is a life saver tbh so I am very very grateful. I'm still shocked and overwhelmed by the kindness of people.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You have some real friends, Chopsy, and that is truly a treasure.

Getting the car running will be a real boon. I have a feeling a job is on the horizon!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I do have some good friends. I've always convinced myself otherwise, in a childish way, no one like me, poor me. I have always believed this. It's one of the core beliefs I have that I need to challenge. I also know the only way I got attention as a child was reluctantly given when I was sick. I spent a lot of my childhood in hospital and I do really need to keep that in the past. It's just gunk from the past, that childish thinking of no one likes me. Occasionally in time of stress, like the past six months, it surfaces, but as you pointed out, I am very lucky to have the friends I do. I have always dismissed them- they live too far away, they are just feeling sorry for me, (yes I've spotted the irony of this), they're too busy with their families, etc etc etc! But they support me nonetheless and I am very lucky indeed. I'm embarrassed writing all this down. It's a hangover from childhood and I need to replace with a more validating and positive self belief. 

Thanks for your support, and yes I do hope a job is not far around the corner!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Right, another day! Good news, yes you read that right! Pretty scarce on this thread, hoping this is the beginning of more good things. Got a call from mental health, I've been offers an appt for counselling! Only been waiting since October. Very pleased. It's Wednesday next week. 

Called the garage and asked them to order the parts, might be next week when the car is fixed but at least it will be roadworthy again soon. 

Had a dr appt this morning, missed it by six minutes. Very busy in the surgery so I am back there tomorrow afternoon. 

I was thinking how little things tip me over, I need to be a bit stronger than that, I'm reverting to baby mode, somebody help me kinda thing, just wanting anyone to fix it all. Of course bumps on the road are frustrating but they're just a bump. Anyway. Something to think about. 

Been thinking a lot about my thoughts, seeing patterns in the thinking that I need to address. I'm becoming more interested in positive psychology, something I was beginning to get interested in before d day. 

There's a surprise birthday party this weekend for someone I know but I am so skint not sure if I can go. And a sad part of me wants to go so I can look hot and have someone take a pic and post it on FB -everyone I know is still friends with him- and he will see what he's missing. Yeah, childish I know. Some times I don't even know if I want him back, I just see my life evolving without him. So whydo I want him to see how hot I am looking (hot-ish haha)? Not too sure what that's about. Any thoughts? I know it won't make a difference to him, he's on his own journey. Silly me. Of course I'd like to go for other reasons, see friends and family,have a good time. Have to figure out how to get there. Someone I know has offered a lift but I have to get to his house,he lives a good hour away, and will only stay a couple hours. The issue is getting to his tbh. Anyway ill figure it out somehow. 

About to do a tarot reading for myself, haven't done one for months. Back then I was doing it looking for clues if my H was coming back. I'm just interested now in looking forward.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Great news Chopsy.

Keep pushing for independence.

I can't remember if you said but have you ever really been on your own before? It's all new to me!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yeah I was on my own for some time before I met H. Had my own place. Good memories but my job was so stressful and friends few and far, when I was off work I just wanted to be home. I loved my flat, very light and bright, very calm and peaceful. I am working back towards that now. My Hhas never been alone, and he moved in withOW immediately so he still hasn't. He used to always say he wanted time alone, even as a child he wanted to be alone. I this he sees being alone as a way to be happy. Maybe he will try that one day but I suspect he is scared. how are you managing? I found being alone very hard until recently. I made a list of all the things I can do now with no one to say otherwise. Like hog the bed, or get up in the middle of the might and watch telly or put the radio on. Have breakfast in bed, put the light on and read all noght with no one moaning at me. I'm planning on redecorating as soon as funds allow. Don't have to put up with his farts, or stealing the covers. He wasnt keen on incense, I light it every night now. I play music I want,watch what I want or not, close the curtains or keep them open. Window open or closed at night. Even tho I'm not exactly a domestic goddess, the place is tidier without him. Less laundry. He wasnt bossy but everyone has preferences and since I'm in this situation it's nice to appreciate the benefits.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

As far as wanting him to see you as hot and desirable, I think its natural. When we were separated, the few times we met or he came to work on the house, I spent hours fixing myself up. Part of it, I think, was so that he would see what he was giving up, but another part was that I wanted to present myself as strong and moving on quite nicely without him. Looking good makes me feel good, then I act confidently. I was showing him that I was not a basket-case and was moving on.

Though my H is back now and I am soooo glad, I must admit that, after the first shock, when I was realizing that I was single again, I did enjoy the types of things you mentioned. Staying up late, having the window wide open at night, organizing my things into his space. Its amazing how many little compromises and concessions we make in a marriage!


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Yeah I was on my own for some time before I met H. Had my own place. Good memories but my job was so stressful and friends few and far, when I was off work I just wanted to be home. I loved my flat, very light and bright, very calm and peaceful. I am working back towards that now. My Hhas never been alone, and he moved in withOW immediately so he still hasn't. He used to always say he wanted time alone, even as a child he wanted to be alone. I this he sees being alone as a way to be happy. Maybe he will try that one day but I suspect he is scared. how are you managing? I found being alone very hard until recently. I made a list of all the things I can do now with no one to say otherwise. Like hog the bed, or get up in the middle of the might and watch telly or put the radio on. Have breakfast in bed, put the light on and read all noght with no one moaning at me. I'm planning on redecorating as soon as funds allow. Don't have to put up with his farts, or stealing the covers. He wasnt keen on incense, I light it every night now. I play music I want,watch what I want or not, close the curtains or keep them open. Window open or closed at night. Even tho I'm not exactly a domestic goddess, the place is tidier without him. Less laundry. He wasnt bossy but everyone has preferences and since I'm in this situation it's nice to appreciate the benefits.


you know its funny that you brought that point up... i never really thought of it. I couldnt beleive my stbxh moved right in with the ow, I really thought it was him using her just for a close place to stay to his job but maybe it is so he doesnt have to be on his own.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I think when they move I'm together like that it's from a place of weakness on both sides. It's not love, obv. For a lot of people being alone is the scariest thing in the world. Sounds like you stbx is one of those. I also think moving in together is good because it forces them both to face reality faster than someone who lives at home but dates his OW. I know my H is getting a dose of reality right now and I don't think he's very happy. She's very naggy the SIL says. 

Well that's his problem now, reality vs fantasy. Pow in the kisser! LOL

Thanks Frost for clarifying the whole hot-ness thing. I also want him to see me strong and moving on. It's the truth. No PLan B here! His OW might be young but I hear she has a b1tch of a personality. Need to get a cute skirt, short, of course. Everyone else will be in jeans- it's a hippie-ish crowd in Wales,and I'll be all sexified. LOL just have to figure out how to get there.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Missed dr a appt yesterday so rescheduled for today. Am still so exhausted all the time, I could easily sleep 20 hours a day. I wonder if it's a side effect from the meds, want to discuss with her. If so, something needs to be done, as I am feeling better mentally but my tiredness is just slowing me down from making the changes I need to make. 

Made it to yoga last night, did crystal work and throat chakra, as well as poses and meditation. I'm really getting into it and plan to practice more at home as soon as I Hoover the carpet! When you have five animals, you do not want to be face down in downward dog! LOL Another motivation to keep the place tidyish. 

Another day of rain, so grim. I am so affected by the weather, those few days off sunshine made such a difference to me, oh and my SIL noticed my improved moos last night too, so thats gratifying. 

My nephew gave me the £500 for the car via my friend who promised to help. Am overwhelmed with the generosity of people. 

One thing occurred to me yesterday, that I moan and whine all the time and get scared, and yeah things have been on the edge at times, but every single time someone has come to my help. I want to be more independent for sure but am so grateful. I still have a roof over my head, a car, food for me and the animals and that's enough. Tho a new mini skirt would be nice and some hot boots! LOL it's like despite all my fears, I have been saved, every situation averted. I'm not taking anything for granted but all my whinging seems unjustified now. More gratitude, less complaining. 

Am thinking now of just driving to Wales if I can get the petrol money. I don't dare spend the £500 on that as I need that for the car repairs and just pray it's enough. Will call the antique shop and see if they have valued any of my jewellery yet.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I've decided I'm going to go to the party. Will get a new tire tomorrow morning, and drive myself. there's no train stations nearby and it just got more and more complicated. I had an offer to drive to a friend's house over an hour away to get a lift, but its only just over an hour to drive myself. might splurge and get a mini skirt or skinny jeans!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Yay, go for it.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had a really fab time at the party, saw so many people I haven't seen in years, had people running up to me to hug me. Really nice. I didn't buy anything to wear, found a pair of wine coloured rights and wore that with shorts and high heel boots.everyone said I looked amazing. Helps I've lost weight too- thank you cheating husband for that! LOL
It was just great to feel so much love coming my way, people genuinely happy to see me. 

Damn near everyone is a musician in that family so there was music all night from folky stuff to Irish jigs to my nehew's own songs, also a friend and his gf got up to sing. It was awesome. Later someone dragged out a piano (the party was in a village hall) and everyone was fighting over it. We ended the evening posing around the piano, someone had a great idea of me lying on top of the piano! So I did. Such a great night, so glad I went. Drove back late with my nephew Toby and his gf, who stayed over at mine last night. I dropped them off at the train station this morning. 

I feel so lucky to have so many people on my side now, more than I ever realised. I had loads of invites to come stay for a few days. Also discovered someone I know has recently moved to a town about town about 15 minutes from me!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

totally shattered today and a bit mizzy. I think socialising takes its toll on me as I am still not very confident socially, even with people I know. It was a good party, tho of course no drinking for me as I had to drive back for the dogs. Im sure a social drink would help ease my anxiety but I always always have to drive. and now I have to find a way to get back the money I spent getting there yesterday so I can get my car repaired this week. The parts have been ordered already so am committed. Also the usual exhaustion that wears me down. Weather doesn't help, so bloody cold. Feeling lonely and sad tonight, everything seems like so much effort. 

mentor appt tomorrow, counselling on wed, hope I can get my head on straight.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hang in there, Chopsy. If you’re like me, a late night, no matter how much fun it was, can throw me off the next day. Tomorrow is a whole new one.

Hug.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks Frosty. Yes it is a whole new day. Had my mentor appt for the first time, think this will be really good for me. She listened to my story and gave me a list of things to do this week until the next week. For me the first one is see a solicitor. I've been putting this off for ages but she's right, I need to see someone just to get clarity on my finances and how much is h's responsibility, so I'm going to email him and ask how much he can commit to maintenance every month by standing order.i expect he will ignore this, or plead poverty. Either way I'm to go see a solicitor, find one who can offer a free consultation. I've been a soft touch but I have head out of the sand and I have to face my situation. I also have other tasks this week, but finances are the main focus. I am so grateful to have her as my mentor.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just sent email to h laying out all the financial issues and his responsibilities, giving him till Friday to respond, have already booked a solicitor for next week. I don't expect much will come from that appt, but hopefully clarity. Am hoping he will wake up to his responsibilities.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Just sent email to h laying out all the financial issues and his responsibilities, giving him till Friday to respond, have already booked a solicitor for next week. I don't expect much will come from that appt, but hopefully clarity. Am hoping he will wake up to his responsibilities.


Go to the lawyer with a list of questions in order to get the most out of the appointment.

As for asking him what he can commit to financially, forget it. The solicitor will be able to tell you what he is legally obliged to pay. Its not up to him to decide.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Yes you're right F. As usual. I guess I was giving him a chance to step up. Its taken me time to get to this point, too long probably. Seeing as H is self employed and likely won't declare his earning, Im not sure what a solicitor can do. I know H will either not respond or respond angrily, wanting to keep the status quo but that's not good enough anymore. I reckon he will be very shocked when he gets that email and I kinda wish I could be there to see his face. I've been a soft touch for so long, he won't see it coming. I feel totally ok about it and if I need to go to legal sep or divorce, then so be it. I'm done being a doormat.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

So why have we not heard you sing yet Chopsy? We're waiting...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

omg you must be mad! I have the worst voice ever, totally squeaky. no way unless I get massively wasted! You go on, you have a fab voice!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

It's like karaoke. Who said you have to be good.

I don't have a fab voice, thing with singing is I don't care. If I wanna sing people have no choice in listening unless they leave the vicinity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

See, it's not like karaoke at all! First of all,I'd be pissed before I got up, and everyone else would be pissed too, and neither of those conditions are likely to happen on TAM. 

I think it's awesome you have that confidence, or are you drunk? LOL


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Not drunk. Not confidence either. I don't think I am a good singer I just enjoy it enough to not care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had a really rough day yesterday, just so overwhelmed with everything. Very low. 

A friend came over today and we wrote down all th problems. He and his wife are going to see if they call help,she is an ex lawyer too. He's been very depressed in the past so knows how tough it is. 

On another note, had my first appt, what I thought was to be counselling. Had to wait almost 40 minutes to see someone which really wound me up. The guy was nice, but don't think he is my counsellor, or even a counsellor. Took all my details and such. Seems I will likely now see a psychiatrist. This guy today didn't mention counselling at all, went on about enabling hub and such, I have no idea. KC,made me think of you, I have a feeling I am on a ride to nowhere, just more babble to divert you from the fact there's no real counselling on offer. Well we'll see. I'm certainly not convinced yet. 

Had an email from the landlord Ruth. Useless twat H hasn't paid March rent yet, he promised her he would pay on Friday last week. That obviously never happened. I am just so effin angry at him. Sent him an email saying what I thought and does he think he can keep stringing Ruth along? Idiot. He keeps saying he will help me but it's just words. I did say I think you'll find I am your wife still and legally I am your priority not your pos wh0re. I can't afford a solicitor, but will see someone for a free consultation. I am so tired of this sh1t, and if I can get anything from him via legal sep or d, I am ready for it now. What a total tosspot. Have lost all respect for him. 

So here I am again, not sure what's going to happen, having zero control over anything in my life, and he just doesn't give a crap. Nice. How the hell am I going to be able to heal when I have this douche bag playing with my life like it's a game. 

My friend today didn't think my sitch was so bad but it feels horrendous. God if all I had to go through was my douche bag cheating on me, I'd be so over it by now. But that plus mega depression, no job, no income, unstable housing, no car, well yeah that notches it up. No wondr there are days I just fall apart. In fact I am amazed I ever managed to get vertical at all.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and let's not forget e £30,000 debt he left me with.yeah life is good.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Did you get legal advice with that? I forget. Surely it would be split and worst case like we said before, you file for bankruptcy and make a fresh start.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Do me a favor and don’t tell Conrad about your health system woes!

Perhaps your friend and his wife will have some ideas for you. 

Be careful not to push your H into defence mode or into trying to hide his money or other nasty manoeuvres. I’m not saying suck up to him, but maybe hold off communicating when you are angry. You can always post your emails here first and get some input before sending them.

Any possibility of filing for bankruptcy? That would give you a clean slate as our resident hunk says.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> Had a really rough day yesterday, just so overwhelmed with everything. Very low.
> 
> A friend came over today and we wrote down all th problems. He and his wife are going to see if they call help,she is an ex lawyer too. He's been very depressed in the past so knows how tough it is.
> 
> ...


Ok Chops, this is the turning point for you as i see it
You simply cannot rely on him to pay your rent and you shouldnt. its obvious that long term this rent situation is going to drive you insane! will it be paid, wont it etc. I dont know anyone who could live in that position. Time now for you to list your short term priorities that will enable you to move forward

1. Find a place to live that you can afford on your own, somewhere you can call your own and pay for by yourself

2. Secure some employment that will allow you to earn your own money and build yourself up again 


Regarding the debt you have been left with, speak to a solicitor asap. Free half hour sessions are available with many local solicitors and they will advise you in the best way forward. Dont let the debt bring you down, everything can be sorted in time, the main thing is to start rebuilding your new life.

Forget emailing him for rent and answers, they aint coming and you need to move on. I know this sounds harsh, and believe me i have been just where you are, and the best thing i had was a good bollocking from a close friend giving me similar advice 

Its hard, and i have told you this before, but the old saying is "its darkest before the dawn" now you may think thats cheesy but its true

Affordable place to live
Job
Accept its over and he aint coming back so no more emails asking for support. The legal system will decide a fair outcome for whats due

Start some short term goals and work through them. A place to live sounds like a good start. It will be as easy or difficult as your minds voice makes it so its all in your hand

Stay strong


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

KC, not yet. But I will.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, too late I did send two emails in anger, but it was a cold anger. I know what you mean about putting him on the defence. I guess I just felt so trapped and stuck because of him. I've said what I wanted to say so it's up to him now. 

I will most likely file for bankruptcy but I need to have my situation secure before I do due to the consequences of B. I was so grateful for my friend today, he said he's been through worse and said there's always hope.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Frostflower said:


> Do me a favor and don’t tell Conrad about your health system woes!


National healthcare works so much better when no one actually needs something.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Deep thought, you are 100% right, it is a turning point. Swim or sink. I choose to swim. I won't be emailing him anymore, I've said what I wanted to say, little difference it will make to him anyway. I'm done. Although my appt next week is just the half hour consultation, I intend to find the money somewhere to get this sorted somehow. See what the solicitor has to say and take it from there. 

Right now I am looking for houses. My friend who was here today, David, he and his wife have three dogs (the same litter as my old boy) and they're renting. So it's possible. He said the house is nice, but it's in a crummy neighbourhood. So what. My standards are now pretty low, awhile ago I wanted a nice place, now I just want an ok place, nice would be a luxury! Ok and safe for me and the animals is all I want.as I am not tied to any specific area, and now realise I am unlikely to get much more help from my dr, I feel free to move anywhere. Looking where it's cheap tbh. Parts of Birmingham, Cardiff, The welsh valleys are very very cheap! I don't care anymore. I know I can find a job. I need the house first. I've finally got my head on straight, and am just getting on with it. If I get a cheap house, I can gt cleaning jobs or bar work or care work and I'll be able to pay my way, omg that luxury of that, it sounds positively idyllic! Then I would've bankrupt or IVA (David today seemed to think I might still be able to get an IVA). Either way my debts would be sorted. But before that I would try to get him to take half the debts, via the courts if need be. I'm no door mat. 

I also have my friends coming up this weekend, the ones who were here two weeks ago, Cami and her husband. I think David's wife Annette wants to come up this sunday too.i have no friends locally, all these people live a good distance away,and I am soooooo blessed and grateful that they care for me so much. 

All my life I have felt alone, probably from two years of being in hospital one and off for months at a time when I was about 13/14. Since then I have always had this belief that no one likes me, that I am really on my own in life. Nonsense, but I believed it and my actions and mindset perpetuated this myth. That belief has been crushed completely, not only from the support of friends in the real world (you know what I mean) to the most kind-hearted generous folks on here. I believed that lie for so long but I now know I am cared for and loved by so many people. 

So yeah,I am slowly finding my strength. I can do this. I'm not prepared to put up with his nonsense anymore, I need to make my own way. Really excited now!!!!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

deepthought said:


> Ok Chops, this is the turning point for you as i see it
> You simply cannot rely on him to pay your rent and you shouldnt. its obvious that long term this rent situation is going to drive you insane! will it be paid, wont it etc. I dont know anyone who could live in that position. Time now for you to list your short term priorities that will enable you to move forward
> 
> 1. Find a place to live that you can afford on your own, somewhere you can call your own and pay for by yourself
> ...


 Thanks again for the ass kicking. I needed it. I do believe you may have knocked some sense into me!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> National healthcare works so much better when no one actually needs something.


You’re wearing me out! (Notice I didn’t say ‘down’.)

Are there problems? Yes. But I still prefer to live where I don’t have to worry that I, or one of my family, will get sick and we won’t be able to afford health care. Or that we will run down all our savings in the effort to get well.

I un-apologeticly believe that universal health care is a right......and a privilege. Is it abused? Yes. So is free speech, but that doesn’t mean that we should do away with it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Not to jack the thread, but free speech doesn't cost anyone else anything.

Love ya Frosty.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chops, with the debt that is outstanding, it really only lies with who's name is on the accounts, when we split it was about 25k worth of unsecured debt split roughly 70/30. When i spoke to the various debtors the underlying message was that for that to be balanced to 50/50 then the other person would have to take out new loans/credit agreements etc which wasnt possible due to credit rating being crap
With that in mind, and i dont know what your personal setup is, even if its 15k in your name i would seriously look into Bankruptcy as opposed to IVA. There are loads of firms that want £500+ just to set an IVA up! why pay additional money just for someone to setup the paperwork? 
Bankruptcy as i have said before is a very serious step, and you need to seek expert free advice from the BIS government agency but in my case it was the only way i could move on. It will be about £500 cash to file so you need to set some goals up for that in the next few months, make this a side goal you have going on, get setup in a place that is affordable, safe and has better job opportunities, once that's done then concentrate on the BK. If you need any advice filling out the forms ill be happy to help PM me 
Concentrate on these things i promise the path will become clear for you. Avoid leaning towards the ex please


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Not to jack the thread, but free speech doesn't cost anyone else anything.
> 
> Love ya Frosty.


Okay, public education then..

Yeah, you too, Conrad!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Dt, that's what I worry about as all the debt is in my name only. Call me stupid. He had no credit rating at the time and I had an excellent rating, he needed financial help with his business so we took out loans and then he maxed my cc. Call it£30,000. All unsecured so that's something. The "counsellor" I saw on tues said for me bk would be £85.ive always heard £500, and maybe a bit off if on benefits. He could away with the fairies, tho did give me contacts to ring up. Will do that today.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Not to jack the thread, but free speech doesn't cost anyone else anything.
> 
> Love ya Frosty.





Frostflower said:


> Okay, public education then..
> 
> Yeah, you too, Conrad!


Get a room guys!!!!!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Another day..I used to hate when people said that, tho I knew it was well meant. I was so down all the time that another day meant another day of feeling crap. 

Just one small decision has given me such a boost. So empowering! I feel like, yeah I can do this. I'll probably roller coaster for awhile yet, and oh I have sooooo much work ahead of me, just getting this house ready to move, the cleaning and repairs needed, not to mention looking for a house. Well one step at a time. 

After making my decision yesterday I had so much energy I cleaned the lounge. It's so peaceful and calm in here now, I love sitting here with sunshine pouring through the window. I have not done hardly any cleaning in ages, just such rock bottom energy. I did bits but nothing consistent. The kitchen is almost done, just needs the floor mopped. 

I'm making a list of what need to be done in order to move. It's daunting, but just step by step I'll get there. Several people have offered to help clean and pack. I'm very lucky. 

Today: get new tyre, book car for Friday or Saturday for repairs. Start calling about houses I've bookmarked. Keep tidying the house, one room at a time. Dog walk. Yoga. I'm going to go all Rocky on all this. Eye of the Tiger.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Stop the presses! Holy crap, just got a letter through the door. Could see through the plastic window the words you've been awarded. Tore open. Housing benefit awarded!!! Ok not much. But I didn't expect much. However, there is back HB due, like six weeks. They adjusted it later to single occupancy which is less. But first six weeks are £230 per week!!!!!! Into my acct baby! Woohoo! After march 11 it goes £98 per week. Obv this will all change if I move, however now I may have an option to stay. Gives me almost £400 in HB, with £600 outstanding. If I get a job I can likely manage that. Still thinking moving elsewhere where cheaper. Now have options for the first time ever. Am over the moon! Doing a happy dance with the dogs, who now think I must be on drugs!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

:yay: That’s terrific, Chopsy!

I would still look for a cheaper place. Anything you do that will cut your expenses will boost your finances, your independence, and your self-esteem.

Making lists is a great strategy. It helped me get through the days during my separation. There is nothing like the feeling of crossing things off as you do them. It gives a sense of accomplishment and control and of moving forward. Good stuff!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Get a room guys!!!!!


Jealous?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Frosty, agree I should move anyway. If I start work here,I lose HB and am back to being unable to pay rent. I need a cheaper place so that if HB drops off, I can still manage.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

About time.

Great news.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Jealous?


Insanely, I have a thing for Conrad. 

End of thread jack!


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> Dt, that's what I worry about as all the debt is in my name only. Call me stupid. He had no credit rating at the time and I had an excellent rating, he needed financial help with his business so we took out loans and then he maxed my cc. Call it£30,000. All unsecured so that's something. The "counsellor" I saw on tues said for me bk would be £85.ive always heard £500, and maybe a bit off if on benefits. He could away with the fairies, tho did give me contacts to ring up. Will do that today.



Bankruptcy fees in UK are as follows
£525 Official receivers fee
£175 Court fees

If you are on a low income or receive certain benefits, the court fee may be waived. Whatever your circumstances, the official receiver’s fee always has to be paid. 

I suspect the the councillor you refer to may be alluding to a fee they charge for setting up the petition on your behalf. I would question this as you can do it yourself for free and i would certainly speak to Stepchange Debt Charity (formally CCCS) as these guys are free, impartial and a none profit advice organisation. 

Great news on the HB! See things are already starting to move in the right direction! Good on yer


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Insanely, I have a thing for Conrad.
> 
> End of thread jack!


We all do


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

deepthought has it spot on. Those are the figures I have too. There is really no need to pay someone to process it for you.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thanks KC. 

I keep having really weird and vivid dreams, presume its the meds. Last night dreamt my H came back to the house, to do some work. It was all very weird. I had friends visiting (the same ones coming today) and he talked openly with them. Due to the house being full, he had to sleep on an air bed, he thought he could sleep with me, and I was no way. Damn weird stuff my dreams lately. Had a couple others that when I woke up, I thought, I could write that into a screenplay. A couple others I did Jungian analysis on, made so much sense.ive never dreamt like this before.at least I wasn't a pushover in my dream! 

Back to reality, peeps coming today, house tidy. Lounge still tidy, which is lovely. Putting up some ads for my dog Pippa, she really needs a family. Getting some wood in for the fire, they love wood fires. Really getting into the yoga now and chakra stuff,going to do it daily now at home. Need more crystals! 

Had a thought yesterday, probably read it somewhere, maybe here, that I should only have stuff I love in my house. Took pics of H down ages ago, now rethinking a couple of pictures on the wall. There's an old one of StIves from our trip there a few years ago. Loved the print at the time, but it looks so dark to me now, and i definitely don't love it. Even if my house is empty, I'd rather have it that way. 

Oh and I saw a thing on amazon last night, how you can trade in books. Definitely going to do that, as have been thinking I need I clear out books, have three overstuffed tall bookcases. I totted up over £50 in a few minutes going through some trade in prices. Sweet. Got shed loads of uni books and cookbooks and art books, they seem to get a decent price. One uni text I can get £30 for! 

Am also going to start bagging up H's stuff, and give him a deadline to collect. SIL doesn't want it, so he either comes here and gets it or I sell/bin. 

I once was really into simplicity,simple living. Still love that ethos. It's freeing to get rid of stuff. Totally up for it now. If all I had in the world was a sofa, some books, some kitchen stuff, and a bed, I'd be happy.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sound like you’re having a good day, Chopsy.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

chopsy...did you ever figure out that overwhelming tiredness you were experiencing? You thought it was due to your meds? You doing better with that?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Last night dreamt my H came back to the house, to do some work. It was all very weird. I had friends visiting (the same ones coming today) and he talked openly with them. Due to the house being full, he had to sleep on an air bed, he thought he could sleep with me, and I was no way.


No dream expert but could it be you think at some point he will come clean and stop the BS (ie talking openly) but you are preparing yourself to say, sorry too late, leaving you behind sucker.

Seems you are starting to realise you can do this. Woohoo!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Stella, still very tired, but am more motivated now. Physically, I am drained all the time still. Dr. hasn't admitted it's the meds yet. I'm jut trying not to worry about it, and sleep when I can. On the plus side, I am sleeping better so that has helped too.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Friends still here, cooked chili last night, made a fire, and brought wine, they also brought some dope. I've never had dope or ever been stoned. First time for everything. It was an interesting experience! Was almost 6am before we went to bed. So a wee bit knackered today! 

So today made proper American pancakes (my friend is American), several pots of tea and now just chillaxing. Dinner is sausages and mash, so I've been told. I don't think I will get comfortable with not cooking and looking after people who come to my home. But it's a nice change. 

Going to get codependent no more this week, see if I can get through the library. Realising more and more it's an issue I need to attend to.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Friends still here, cooked chili last night, made a fire, and brought wine, they also brought some dope. I've never had dope or ever been stoned. First time for everything. It was an interesting experience! Was almost 6am before we went to bed. So a wee bit knackered today!
> 
> So today made proper American pancakes (my friend is American), several pots of tea and now just chillaxing. Dinner is sausages and mash, so I've been told. I don't think I will get comfortable with not cooking and looking after people who come to my home. But it's a nice change.
> 
> Going to get codependent no more this week, see if I can get through the library. Realising more and more it's an issue I need to attend to.


Glad you are being pampered. Hope you had some proper Canadian maple syrup to go with those proper American pancakes!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Too right! Tho my American doesn't use maple syrup! 

I call them American pancakes as that's how they're known here but as I made them, technically they're Canadian pancakes!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Just gave my notice to landlord for may1. Two minutes later text from H saying he will pay rent end of this week. Wonder if he really means it or is it another lie. Still going to solicitor anyway. Ifhe does that would help. Not even replying to that text, just sooooo tired of all the drama. I refuse to engage anymore. 

Friends still here, welcome wearing slightly thin, think they're leaving tomorrow. I just get tired of not having time alone. And this friend likes to chat all the time and can be very dominant in conversation, plus she talks baby talk to the animals for hours, and this drives me nuts. And her husband who I've known for ages, talks effing non stop about whatever weird thing is his latest obsession. Last time they were here it was fava beans for two days straight, along with the Silence of the lambs impression, this time its Tolstoy and his essays about politics and religion. Interesting for awhile, by the end of the day you just don't care anymore. 

Yes I know I have boundary issues. This afternoon she asked when I wanted them to leave. I just cannot answer that. I can't do it. Why cant they just see that they always overstay and go???? I wish they left this afternoon/evening so I could have some time alone before tomorrow. You may ask why they have them come here, because they worry about me and insisted. And I am so lonely I agreed. And writing all this makes me feel like a bad person as they mean so well and want to help. 

They burn my firewood all day. I mean ALL DAY. Ok, I maybe can't take it with me, but I paid ALOT for that load of seasoned wood. Grr I'm just grumpy. Right now one of them is playing stuff from their laptop, no headphones, really effing irritating, some sh1tty music. I just crave peace and quiet more than anything. I offered headphones earlier but he said no, he's fine. 

I'm a total b1tch. I'm tired and grumpy. Maybe a touch of cd???? I'm riddled with CD! This is what no boundaries looks like. 

Mentor tomorrow. Booking solicitor appt. Home search, job search. I hate my life right now. Wish I could go away for a holiday. Haven't had a holiday in years. Cest la vie. Life sucks.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Are they the type to take a hint or do they need the sledgehammer approach?

They are there to do you a favour. They have done that, time to go home. They may feel they have to stay for you even though they want to go themselves (maybe they CD too). Asking when you wanted them to leave is them asking if it is ok to go i think(without knowing them that is). Couldn't you just say you really appreciate their visit and you feel loads better for it but you are happy for them to get back to their own stuff. Or something along those lines.

Do you have a new place lined up Chopsy? Missed that if you do.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Sledgehammer I reckon. They mean well. You're right KC, how'd you get so clever??? 

No new home, but I had to give notice. Cannot carry on as it is even if douche bag pays up, albeit as late as effin possible. I know I will find a place, well I hope I will. Oh who the hell am I kidding, I'm in the sh1t up to my eyeballs.I'm probably delusional. I didn't properly give notice, just said I probably will have to leave barring a miracle. H said in text he is doing what he can. Why thank you douche bag for bending over backwards! What the eff is going to happen. Not a penny to move or pay deposit or rent on a new house, oh I do have some HB coming my way, not telling db about it. I intend to save that money to move, but not come through yet, so who knows. 

Sh1t I am tired of so-called friend telling my dog off every five seconds. This will sounds horrible but she eats ALL the time, she's probably over 30 stone. Her husband feeds the dogs crisps and what not, and then mrs yells at dog if she even looks at her while she's eating biscuits or cake or crisps or chocolate. I'm so damn laid back, I usually don't care if someone tells my dogs off for various things I would tell them off for myself, but when you eat non stop in front of the dogs, the dogs will get a bit tempted to beg for a bite. 

Since I'm having a moan, the mrs is lovey dovey with mr all the freaking time,like thanks for being so sensitive and rubbing my face into it. Jesuz. Then mrs is yelling at mr for tiny nothing things he does wrong or not fast enough or whatever. Then she cries about it, about what a bad person she is and please forgive her. Then back to lovey Dovey sweetums. What was I thinking having them here????


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Tell em you need to get your ass in gear and thanks for visiting. Perfect time to practice a boundary! 

As to how I got so clever? Pfft, sure as hell wasn't on purpose. What do they say about a monkey and a typewriter?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Oh and where were we talking about the Stone Roses? I am having a huge thing for them again right now. All praise youtube!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

My H just messaged me that he has feels absolutely nothing for me. I can only presume that was meant to hurt me. It hurts, I'm crying. Hurts so much. Never thought he would be cruel to me.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> My H just messaged me that he has feels absolutely nothing for me. I can only presume that was meant to hurt me. It hurts, I'm crying. Hurts so much. Never thought he would be cruel to me.


Chopsy, Honey, whatever his reason, of course it hurts. Let your tears out. 

The one thing you don’t want to do, is to message back, however angry you may feel during or after the tears. It would serve no purpose other than to escalate things. Keep to the high road.

Know that it will get better. Know that you are cared about. Know that it is his loss.

HUG


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Stella, still very tired, but am more motivated now. Physically, I am drained all the time still. Dr. hasn't admitted it's the meds yet. I'm jut trying not to worry about it, and sleep when I can. On the plus side, I am sleeping better so that has helped too.


I know anxiety will cause you to be
tired more often. The mind in overdrive 
so to speak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> My H just messaged me that he has feels absolutely nothing for me. I can only presume that was meant to hurt me. It hurts, I'm crying. Hurts so much. Never thought he would be cruel to me.


Just randomly out of the blue? What a tool. 

It's not news though hon, it's exactly what his actions were already showing you.

Have a cry, get it out. Then get back up and dust yourself off. Nothing has changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Just randomly out of the blue? What a tool.
> 
> It's not news though hon, it's exactly what his actions were already showing you.
> 
> ...


Agreed, leave him to it but i wouldnt give him the satisfaction of any response, just keep quiet for now, any comms should be regarding finances and separation details only
Not sure why he would be sending you this now, but i wonder if you giving notice on the house has him rattled in some way? Either way you carry on with your own plan for houses and job.
New week Chops, a full 5 days to get some plans in place for these tasks now  :smthumbup:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm pretty sure I know why, I told him I was seeing a solicitor. He's pissed off big time I think. And probably really hates me now. I'm sure he thinks he is doing everything he can, after all he is paying my rent and looking after posOW too. Plus me giving notice. Just got email from Ruth and she wants to talk about it first, and will be back end of March. Said Rob contacted her to say he will pay rent end of this week. I'm just going to carry on as usual for now, thanks for all the thoughts and advice. I was hurting, still am. Par for the course I guess.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

(((( Chopsy ))))

He's being a jerk, plain and simple. Who knows what he really feels.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Maybe it could be worth speaking to your current landlord about re negotiating the rent, now your on your own. They will know its tough out there letting properties, esp one that sounds a bit out the way where it is
Any rent is better than an empty house i guess, but you still have to weigh up if you can afford it on your own and if the location is good for job prospects etc
Also and most important is your soul! would you feel ok continuing to live there as a single person with the memories etc. I guess only you can answer that question. But in the mean time it wouldn't hurt to checkout what is on Rightmove, esp now you have an idea on HB and what they can help you with


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Good morning, Chopsy. (Well, its morning here!). It sounds like you are a bit better than yesterday.

KC is right. Nothing has changed. It was a cruel thing for him to say, but you’re likely right in that the news of the solicitor evoked his anger.

Don’t let this derail you. Continue with your plans. New week. New steps towards independence!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Deep, my landlord wants to chat when she gets back from France next week. I know full well it's a bad time for them to have to get a new tenant as her husband is going in for a big op, and they don't live in the uk either. Maybe there will be room for negotiation. If I stay, great, bt it has to be a situation I can sustain. Im also concerned about HB, as I believe it's taken off you when you start work. I did some research and there is some leeway for low income, but I cannot find any definition of what low income is. May have to visit the HB office again. 

Got an appt to see someone for CBT march 25. I'm a bit meh. I know all about CBT, I monitor my thoughts fairly well, those less well when stressed. It's just a typical NHS quick fix. Hey ho. 

Anyway back to me. Car going to garage tomorrow morning. Hope I can also manage to pay the tax. That backpay from hB still not in acct. got a new tire today as per the mot. If I can get it repaired and taxed, I'm going to get that sh1tmobile all cleaned up and shiny like some pimped out car. :rofl:

Guests left this morning. Can't be having them over again until I'm stronger.think my SIL and nephews coming over next weekend to help with the garden. Im really close with them so it's all cool. 

Going to do that wheel of life exercise thing tonight. My pt showed me how to do it. You make a pie chart with 8 segments, label them accordingly: health, family, relationships, career, fun and recreation, personal development, finances, and physical environment. Google it for more info. Then you put a number in each wedge, if 1 you put close to the inner circle, if 10 on the outside edge. Well something like that. Not exactly ground breaking and I know where my weak points are, but I want to start making a specific plan to improve the many weak areas in my life. So yeah that's all of them. LOL

Daffodils are finally coming up now, I'm feeling spring like, keen to get to a garden centre and maybe pick up a few plants to pot up. Weather not too spring like yet, but I live in hope.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> Deep, my landlord wants to chat when she gets back from France next week. I know full well it's a bad time for them to have to get a new tenant as her husband is going in for a big op, and they don't live in the uk either. Maybe there will be room for negotiation. If I stay, great, bt it has to be a situation I can sustain. Im also concerned about HB, as I believe it's taken off you when you start work. I did some research and there is some leeway for low income, but I cannot find any definition of what low income is. May have to visit the HB office again.
> 
> Got an appt to see someone for CBT march 25. I'm a bit meh. I know all about CBT, I monitor my thoughts fairly well, those less well when stressed. It's just a typical NHS quick fix. Hey ho.
> 
> ...


Chops, that all sounds well and good but just take a min to think about things
What are your priorities? Spending money on plants for a garden you may not be tendering in a few weeks or looking for work and a new place to live?
Sorry if this sound harsh but i would seriously consider what you need to act on fast.
Good news about your car, its impossible to live without one these days esp in rural areas
Im sure your landlord will manage, but to be honest their personal situation shouldnt cloud your thinking. You need somewhere to live that you can afford and you can only ask to re negotiate the rent and the answer will be a yes or a no, simple as that. As soon as you know where they are with that the sooner you can start making your plans


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I know, point taken Deep. I don't know why it seems so hard to keep my priorities straight sometimes. which sounds incredibly stupid given my situation. Maybe I am just looking for distractions. Still depressed too, evenings are the worst. Very lonely right now. I just wish I had someone who lived nearby who was a real support and not a drain on me, like most people I know. Still not out of the woods. I don't really know where to move to, should I find a job first? Or a house? No one seems to take animals. I can't go to an agency due to crappy credit rating. Im usually better in the morning, feeling so bloody low now. shouldn't go on here in the evening but I am so damn lonely. sigh. 

I know I shouldn't be buying flowers or thinking I'm staying. my life is just so effin grim without any kind of break or fun. just effin non stop grueling misery. sorry for being so bleak Deep, I appreciate all your thoughts and will take it all on board.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Hey we are all here for you  your doing fine, we just want you to go your own way in the right direction in your own time

I know it can be tough during the nights, but what i found helped me is to make a list for the next day, things that added to to a small goal for the end of the week say, and each one i managed to tick off gave me that extra little spring in my step. 

These were things that i needed to do to move on, and to be honest, things i would have rather not faced, but i ground them down, one by one, ticked them off. Sometimes i "fell off the wagon" as it were! but sometimes things happen for a reason im sure of that

Try this for a week, see if it helps. Try not to focus on the negative outcomes of any situation. Sure you have to weigh up all the scenarios, but try to push that little doubting voice into its box for a short time 

:smthumbup:


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I made lists too and they really helped me get through things. Before I did that, I felt overwhelmed and that I wasn’t accomplishing anything. My doctor suggested lists. He said to start with only maybe three things on the list and to be sure to add a fun one, then build up from there. Never list too many things as the goal is to increase your positive feelings by completing the list. Its amazing how crossing things off gives such a feeling of accomplishment.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Lists are my friend too. Must get ore regular about them. My lists don't have much on, I include things that mormally wouldn't even be list worthy, but I need to have it written down. Everything is list worthy these days!! LOL

So today's list: walk dogs, take car to garage, send stuff I sold on eBay. Buy dog food. Yep that's, it. Busy day for me! :rofl: 

My mother, bless her heart, sent me £200 on the post (yes the post ) it arrived yesterday. She's already sent another one,hope it gets here. She hates sending money through the bank(she lives in Canada) because they ask so many questions,who's it for, why, plus the charges. Anyway it's allowed me today for the ad repairs and get my tax sorted.very grateful! 

Just got a text from H,apologising for what he said the other day. He said was drunk and in a really bad mood. Oh I remember his bad moods. Not much has changed then. Guess he's not living in paradise then with posOW. He said he never meant it and to take care of myself and the animals and have a good day. 

Dogs are going mad, time to get the beasties outside for a bit. 

I'm a lucky girl to have you lot on here, giving me advice, lots of support and the odd 2x4. Very grateful. Mwah! xox


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Just got a text from H,apologising for what he said the other day. He said was drunk and in a really bad mood. Oh I remember his bad moods. Not much has changed then. Guess he's not living in paradise then with posOW. He said he never meant it and to take care of myself and the animals and have a good day. 

I would ignore any of that. His current mood/situation is none of your concern anymore. Its not fair on you for him to be treating you like this anymore. He has no right, and you need to setup clear firm boundaries to let him know that


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Chopsy, I must tell you that I couldn't sleep last night so I laid in bed with my iPad and I read almost every post on this thread (almost... there are a lot of posts!). I'm so sorry that your WH has treated you like this, but I must say, your courage and strength is inspiring. 12 years and this guy dumps all of this on you. I am going through a divorce as well and I find that the 180 has truly helped me become stronger. I am not doing it for the marriage (as I have let that go already after his infidelity, cheating, and lies), but its for me. 

It seems clear that your WH is trying to get a rise out of you. He is texting you and trying to see if he still has his claws in you. The more you feed him food, the more he will hurt you. NC is the way to go. He will start to see that he no longer has control over you and he will kick himself for treating you like this. But by the time he reazlies this, it will probably be too late for him. You won't want him back because he has proven himself to be a true flight risk and he won't be worth it to you anymore. 

You are doing an excellent job and focusing on yourself. He left you in ruins for his own selfish reasons and karma will hit him at some point. Hang in there and be strong. You are an inspriation to me!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah Chopsy, you are doing well and remember, this text means as much as the last one. Nothing at all. Don't waste your energy replying. Nothing changed with the nasty message, nothing changed with the apology.

I am just waiting for the moment you can say you no longer need him for anything at all and go dark on his sorry ass!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm sorry you couldn't sleep last night Love. Can't imagine this thread was very entertaining! Thanks for your kind words and good advice, much appreciated. 

Mini update. Car repaired, smashed wing mirror still not replaced as they ran out of time so it's booked for next week. The bill was much higher than I expected but I paid it and also got my tax sorted. A few quid left, that's all. Still haven't received a penny of HB, wondering if they've sent it to the wrong person? Will call them tomorrow. So that's good news. I'm legal! 

Just decided I'll go to a meetup tomorrow in Worcester. Im very shy, got a bit of social anxiety still, but need to make more steps towards my new life. Theres a few new people too so that helps. 

I still get very low in the evenings and am so tired still. I know exactly how it happens. I am very tired, probably due to meds. I'm very lonely. The combination makes me start feeling bad for myself, brain starts falling into old patterns of thinking, which even embarrasses me to say it, but falls along the lines of nobody likes me, I'm all alone. I do wish there was one person who lived nearby who I could ring and she/he could come over and bring the 2x4. Or give me a hug. I know I'm not the only one on here with no friends nearby, or living far away. It's sucks. I do allow it to suck me down into a dark place tho. Maybe it's the depression still or just weak thinking. I'm better this evening. Maybe I've stopped buying my own crap. The car being repaired and taxed boosted me too. I do have to start monitoring my thoughts better, I know all about CBT, I know how thoughts can make you feel bad out of nothing. So if I know all this, why am I allowing my mind to control me? Good question. Boundaries innit. Even with myself. 

I need to play more music. Someone said how walking with the headphones on was so cool. I never ever do that. I forget to bring CDs in the car so I'm stuck with crappy radio. I don't play tunes at home. KC once said I need a theme song. So that's my homework. Shall report back. 

So so much needs improving in my life. Diet is horrendous. Usually nothing and then a pack of crisps. I had an orange today. I'm going off bread again, just so damn bloaty. I used to eat extremely well because I am(was) a nutrition nazi. Hard to preach when your mouth is full of salt and vinegar crisps! Had a thought today, now that the car is back in order, I could maybe go see my pt. I still have credits for training sessions. Oh it's going to hurt so much! He's tough. And he laughs whiile you're squatting, bastard! LOL I've trained with him for years. Miss not being to walk properly after training as so damn wobbly. I used to lift big weights, was at 50kg for deadlift and almost same for squats. No girly workouts or pink weights-I lie, he does have a pink weight, but refuses to let me use it. Think someone got it for him as a joke. Oh and he's a life coach and NLp expert so he's great for all that stuff. When my credits run out, that will be it as he's not cheap and unless big changes, I won't be able to afford it. £50 a session!! Back in the days when everything was easy! 

Regarding jobs, I'm just looking for here now. Yeah maybe I'll have to move, but I can't keep stopping because I don't know where I will be or if I'm staying.etc.youve heard it before. Pass by a few pubs with help wanted signs. But whenever I drive by I am looking a sight, so going to scrub up and shine and drop off some cvs tomorrow. Have a chat. I'm good at chats, better tool than my cv.i keep worrying what happens with the HB, but I can't live that way. Gotta make my own path and screw all the ifs and buts. See, am finally using my brain for something useful! :rofl:


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

KC, You're right, as usual. One day!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Start trying to look good all the time so you can be spontaneous with those opportunities. 

Myself and FF were talking about similar anxiety around new people a while back, I had been actively making eye contact and smiling with people, forcing myself out of my shell a step at a time. People respond to you very differently when you open up rather than hiding away. It is weird to do it when you have been used to being eyes down or all serious but it works. In fact I need to get back to that as I have been slacking with all the whirlwinds in my mind of late. 

ETA; My themesong atm is still http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

I know that sort of music isnt to everyones taste but the man has some lyrics.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I had to move to my pc as dumbass ipad wouldnt open the song. just as i was about to open it, I suddenly had that tune in my head! psychic!!!! I love this one. got it playing now. 

I remember when you were doing this as I was in awe! :smnotworthy: 

going to have to up my game and try to match you on the small talk/eye contact thing. 

Gotten in a bad habit of mooching around in sweats, hair a bit meh. Yeah I take your point, game up. I do love my sweats and fleeces, but maybe not appropriate every day!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and I like to accessorise the look with a dressing gown, my Grady look(Wonderboys- love that film).  maybe not what they're wearing in Paris, but then they're not cat walking in an old drafty house with hardly any oil left to heat the house! Effin cold in here. 

But yeah I take your point, might have to give the dressing gown a miss then?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Oh and I like to accessorise the look with a dressing gown, my Grady look(Wonderboys- love that film).  maybe not what they're wearing in Paris, but then they're not cat walking in an old drafty house with hardly any oil left to heat the house! Effin cold in here.
> 
> But yeah I take your point, might have to give the dressing gown a miss then?


Definitely don’t wear the dressing gown to town!

Seriously, on that topic, i found dressing up, doing my hair, putting on makeup whenever I went out really helped. I felt better and the occasional look I got from someone of the opposite you-know-what really gave me a boost. Dressing up could be just jeans and a t-shirt.....but not the old ones you clean the bathroom in. And comfy as it may be, the dressing gown is not considered a chic look in public!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah I have started shaving more even. Never really bother toooften before as it didnt bother me and Mrs.C said she preferred the rugged look. Well I am not trying to look anything for her now and I look less well kept with my splotchy not even a real beard facial hair so it goes. I still like a bit of stubble instead of completely clean shaven but it comes off a lot more now.

Look in the mirror and compliment yourself. I find that hard but I can manage, "hey, not too bad". Maybe it is taking it too far but I even smile at the mirror sometimes. Turns out what i thought was smiling before would barely be a smirk on other people lol.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

K.C. said:


> Yeah I have started shaving more even. Never really bother toooften before as it didnt bother me and Mrs.C said she preferred the rugged look. Well I am not trying to look anything for her now and I look less well kept with my splotchy not even a real beard facial hair so it goes. I still like a bit of stubble instead of completely clean shaven but it comes off a lot more now.
> 
> Look in the mirror and compliment yourself. I find that hard but I can manage, "hey, not too bad". Maybe it is taking it too far but I even smile at the mirror sometimes. Turns out what i thought was smiling before would barely be a smirk on other people lol.


A beard would ruin your boyish good looks.

It took me years to be able to look in the mirror and smile. We can be so hard on ourselves.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You're too kind. I couldn't grow a proper beard if I wanted to. Unshaven for a month and it would still be too patchy!

It is hard. I find 'something' to dislike whenever I look but force myself to smile anyway. 

Hopefully the ladies round here arent just blowing smoke up my ass as I am trying to start believing their opinion rather than my own!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I know it's time to retire the fleece/sweats/dressing gown look, or keep for lazy days at home. Showered, non-sweat clothes, ie jeans and top, tidy boots, no wellies today! LOL no makeup but am going to put on a bit of slap shortly before I go out to the Worcester meetup. I don't wear much makeup generally as am so fair,anything extra makes me look like a tranny, so barely there makeup. Got my fringe trimmed today, not overly pleased as I reckon it's too short. Starting to give more thought to my appearance. I do wear perfume most of the time when I go out. Am thinking of cutting my hair, and colouring it too. It's very blonde ATM, would love pink but I need to be normalish for interviews! H preferred me blonde, may try a very light brown. Not sure about a cut, last night I was thinking of a pixie cut but it's so cold here still, I don't think I could do it! My hair is shoulder length now so might keep it the same for now. 

I do try to smile in the mirror, but that's not easy. Or even be happy with my appearance. I also have an evil mirror, does anyone else have one? It basically makes me look awful, and the other mirrors are more friendly. Hate the evil mirror. It's not mine so can't get rid! 

I must say my wardrobe needs an overhaul, going to be a long time till that happens tho. Jeans getting baggy, already got rid of loads cos too big. One day! Might try charity shops, haven't done that for awhile.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Sould have called the dr yesterday. Am having a bit of a sh1t weekend. Can't get the energy to do anything. Four inches of snow here. Took the dogs out for a bit, but not enough. I'm just struggling to do anything. Every night I think I've got to get my sh1t together tomorrow, but then I don't. Doesn't help it's freezing here and I've run out of oil. I'm pretty much snowed in due to the steep drive and the snow. Am broke, no dog food left. Well not much left generally. Messagesd H yesterday, no reply. Also another letter about electricity disconnect tho KC you said they can't go ahead immediately. Still haven't called them. So cold in this house, I'm just hanging out under the duvet. I found some mince in the freezer so the dogs can have that. Life feels so hard. I keep saying to myself ok you've got to get a grip, but I just can't seem to do it. Will go see dr next week. Also have CBT on Monday, not too excited about it tho. NHS's answer to everything=CBT. 

2x4 please, maybe a Conrad size stack. I'm turning into an amoeba.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> 2x4 please, maybe a Conrad size stack. I'm turning into an amoeba.












Your wish is my command.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy, surely there is somewhere you can get emergency help. If nowhere else, a local church. Even if you don’t belong to the congregation, I can’t imagine they would turn a blind eye.

Hug.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm ok, sorry for the meltdown. Thank you Conrad for the stack of2x4s, needed that!!! I'm going to be ok. I just get scared and depressed still.

After that message I went downstairs, made a fire, and did some yoga, albeit with curious dogs licking my toes and face while I was in postures! Lit some incense and a candle, did a meditation. Went and baked chocolate chip cookies. 

Well timed phone call from a friend. She wants to help with the electric bill. Can you believe how generous people are? I should know, I receive so much kindness and generosity on here. Talked for three hours! It was brilliant. She beat on me that I should call, but I never do. I always had this thing that people don't want to talk with me or they'll be busy. It's crap, I know it. Another confidence project to work on. 

Four or five inches of snow here, still not melted. Not sure if I am going to that CBT appt on Monday unless there is a big melts tomorrow. Also another friend was going to visit on Monday. May have to do some shovelling. Would prefer if it melted! 

One hot water bottle later, plate of chocolate chip cookies, TAM and the Shipping forecast on bbc radio 4= life is good. Oh and text from H, march rent paid. 

Also mentioned the funny text I had from H the other day, and three people I've talked to, all said it was likely the OW (they all know my H). Well might be, I never thought of that. I'm not getting all hopeful but might explain why he has two mobiles- he gave me the second number awhile ago and I asked why and he said don't ask. I really don't think his cheating on the OW. I think she hacks his phone. It might explain a few odd messages I've had in past months. Hey ho, I'm not getting worked up. I know she's toxic,tell me something I dont know! My phone friend who also knows my H said she wants to kidnap him, like an intervention. She thinks he is majorly effed up in the head. Had a laugh anyway. But don't worry, I know he has to do his own thing and I have to do mine. 

If my H knew I made chocolate chip cookies without him he would be so pissed off! Guess thats what happens when you ****** off with posOW!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Good on ya Chopsy. She is even less relevant than he is. And damn but that is very irrelevant indeed!

Glad you're getting some support. Good to hear you feeling a bit better. Use it as a foundation to push on. It's time to take control and make your own future!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I'm ok, sorry for the meltdown. Thank you Conrad for the stack of2x4s, needed that!!! I'm going to be ok. I just get scared and depressed still.
> 
> After that message I went downstairs, made a fire, and did some yoga, albeit with curious dogs licking my toes and face while I was in postures! Lit some incense and a candle, did a meditation. Went and baked chocolate chip cookies.
> 
> ...


If you remember, that is exactly what happened to me. OW sent emails in my H's name using his email account. I guess she would have gotten away with it if I hadn't commented on their content to H. That, if he hadn't already figured it out, may have got him thinking about what he had gotten himself into with this woman. 

Not as a ploy to try and get him back, but it might be an idea to query some of the content of the ones you are wondering about. 'What did you mean when you said.......' It might start the fog clearing. As I said, don't hope he will drop her and come running back, but it might clear his brain enough that he realizes what he has done and feel some regret. If you feel like I did, him feeling regret may sound good!

Course maybe you don't care enough to bother, and that's okay too.

Glad your rent is taken care of, but don't give up on finding a job and a better, more convenient place to live. Think independence!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I was actually thinking of you just now and yes I do remember the emails you received. My friend on the phone last night is so convinced that OW sent that last one- and it's true, H has been distant but friendly and cordial in any contact. Not cruel or angry with me, he has never blamed me either. I was thinking of asking him about a few of those messages, good idea. When chatting last night, my friend said she'd love to get her boys (all grown men) down there and kidnap him, haha, but because he is so messed up and so unhappy. This would all be easier to take if he was happy. I'm trying to not go all CD on him, bt at the same time I wish I or someone could rescue him.i know he has to rescue himself. But as you say, if there was a way to make the fog lift. 

Surely he must realise how toxic she is. If there are messages the OW sent, he must know already when I reply that something is going on. 

I do still care for him and want him to be free of her and to heal himself. Not sure how or when that will happen.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Even if the fog lifted do you not deserve better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> I was actually thinking of you just now and yes I do remember the emails you received. My friend on the phone last night is so convinced that OW sent that last one- and it's true, H has been distant but friendly and cordial in any contact. Not cruel or angry with me, he has never blamed me either. I was thinking of asking him about a few of those messages, good idea. When chatting last night, my friend said she'd love to get her boys (all grown men) down there and kidnap him, haha, but because he is so messed up and so unhappy. This would all be easier to take if he was happy. I'm trying to not go all CD on him, bt at the same time I wish I or someone could rescue him.i know he has to rescue himself. But as you say, if there was a way to make the fog lift.
> 
> Surely he must realise how toxic she is. If there are messages the OW sent, he must know already when I reply that something is going on.
> 
> I do still care for him and want him to be free of her and to heal himself. Not sure how or when that will happen.


Print KC’s question. Make several copies. Put them all over the house in prominent places.

My H realized what she was liked long before he finally left her. In fact, he later told me that he should have left after the first bogus email. But he didn’t. Don’t assume that, should your H realize that he has made a mistake he will come back to you.

I worried about my H. That’s natural when you have loved someone for so long, you don’t just stop caring. But that didn’t stop me from planning and starting to build a life without him.

I wanted him free of her for two reasons. First, because she was toxic and I cared enough about him to want him to be happy and safe. And second because, although I wanted him to be happy, I didn’t want it to be with her. If he met someone else that he could build a good life with, fine. But not her. While I knew there were other factors at play, including his own culpability, she was the toxic waste that destroyed our marriage. Immature, catty reaction perhaps, but that’s how I felt. 

But, whatever. The fact is I had no control over any of it. And neither do you. 

Build yourself a life based on you. That’s what he’s doing and, bad as it may be, you can’t rescue him. Put that energy into you and your life.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

took it all on board KC and Frosty. 

KC, not sure, we have alot of history, but its a tough call. Lets just say if we ever got to that point there would be alot of heavy lifting to do. Im not even thinking along these lines tbh. I'm really not. I just want him away from toxic pos wh0re. But I can't do that, only he can. 

so back to Plan A- me.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

In other news,I made a snow person today! LOLOL I know I've mentioned this a few times, KC. Is no doubt sickto death already of it. Anyway it was a nice thing to do, took me ages. Very cold out there. Dogs had fun. Took some pics, a short video on my phone. I can't seem to upload any pics to TAm , always too big, but if you're on FB, pics on there now. Pm me if you want my FB details. 

Nice to be doing something. Cats stayed in all day. Ran out of dog food so took out some mince and a pack of chicken livers. Dogs had that with rice. Lots of love for mummy now! 

Found our video camera, thinking of selling it. A few years old now so probably worth nothing, but it was a good one in its day. Still has filmed stuff on it. Haven't looked as am expecting a trig. Might get someone to transfer to a DVD or leave it till I'm stronger. I never used it and don't know how it works, but would like to use it before I sell. It's maybe three years old. Or four. I film short bits on my phone but it's kinda meh quality. 

Going to cancel my CBT tomorrow, just don't think I could get out. Well maybe I could get, but really don't think I'd get back up the steep drive. Unless we have some melting happen. 

Just ran out of chocolate chip cookies!!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Print KC’s question. Make several copies. Put them all over the house in prominent places.
> 
> My H realized what she was liked long before he finally left her. In fact, he later told me that he should have left after the first bogus email. But he didn’t. Don’t assume that, should your H realize that he has made a mistake he will come back to you.
> 
> ...


Whatever the future holds, building a live based on you is critical. It's the foundation of a successful reconciliation, as well as the ability to move on from divorce.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Had a mini meltdown last night, still very sensitive to the smallest thing. Also night time I alm always more sensitive. New day. A wee bit of snow melt, enough I could get out now. Friend stopping by in an hour or so, so trying to tidy up a bit. The lounge isn't bad now, I'm managing to keep it clean. Am going to do upstairs as I've asked for help with my pc, but the office is a tip- factor in Pippa shredding every bit of paper and her dragging socks everywhere, yeah ts bad. Plus haven't done a lot of hoovering up here for the simple reason I've been so tired and week, just hauling the Hoover upstairs seems too much trouble. 

Cancelled my CBT this morning as I definitely couldn't get out this morning with the snow. Someone is to call to reschedule. 

It's sunny here!! That makes such a massive difference to me. Big boost.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Had a mini meltdown last night, still very sensitive to the smallest thing. Also night time I alm always more sensitive. New day. A wee bit of snow melt, enough I could get out now. Friend stopping by in an hour or so, so trying to tidy up a bit. The lounge isn't bad now, I'm managing to keep it clean. Am going to do upstairs as I've asked for help with my pc, but the office is a tip- factor in Pippa shredding every bit of paper and her dragging socks everywhere, yeah ts bad. Plus haven't done a lot of hoovering up here for the simple reason I've been so tired and week, just hauling the Hoover upstairs seems too much trouble.
> 
> Cancelled my CBT this morning as I definitely couldn't get out this morning with the snow. Someone is to call to reschedule.
> 
> It's sunny here!! That makes such a massive difference to me. Big boost.


Housework.....the bane of our existence. We have a dog and a fish. I’ve noticed that the fish makes far less mess than the dog. Beauregard, the fish, doesn’t bark when someone walks past the house causing every dog in the neighborhood to join in, doesn’t roll in dead, stinky things, doesn’t throw up on the rug and doesn’t cost a fortune in vet bills. If he wasn’t so darned cute, I’d trade the dog for another fish. 

Have a good day!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Dogs get away with everything! 

Friend just left, she stayed overnight due to icy roads around here. She was also helping me with the video camera, my H's toy. We managed to hook it up the telly and I played several bits from it. It had loads on, back to 2009 when he got. It. Three films we made together, one with the nephews. I actually couldn't watch them so fast forwarded through. lots of me and H on walks, one, our favourite mountain in Wales. My dog was in film on that walk, he looked so happy, I haven't seen him that happy in so long. Just broke my heart. Also seeing H smiling for the camera, being sweet to me on film, a birthday party for me where he baked the cake and arranged everything. So many memories. Maybe not the best idea to watch it but I was curious what was on there. And I wanted to clear the memory so I could use it or sell. our whole life on film. Just heart breaking. I know it was his choice to leave. I know that. Bit what we lost, was so so much. I miss him so much now. Seeing his smiling face, laughing, happy just made it so real. I've not seen him in six months now. The best part of my life over. 

One scene was h filming us at home, outside on a nice day. All the animals were about, I was hanging laundry. A simple day. I know at the time I thought I was fat,hated the house and the crap garden- shows you what a beautiful life you can have and you don't even know it at the time. I look back at the film footage and think what a perfect day- sunshine, my loving husband, my animals, us happy and in love. All gone now 

It's hard not to think my life is over. I'm 48. What kind of future willi have? I wonder when I will I ever get over the grief of losing my husband who loved me so much, my beautiful life. 

It just feels all downhill from here.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

Chops whats all this "my life is over" nonsense??

you are the one in control of your own life. 
the decisions you make are yours and effect you
why are you messing around playing old dvd's of a guy that has blown you out??? i thought your focus was on looking for a place to live? 
im sorry but it really frustrates me when all you do is make a hole for yourself
when i read your posts i see no movement forward in your quest. its all looking back and doom and gloom. You need to make some positive steps and stick to them otherwise, yes your life will be effectivly over, stuck in some bubble where mr H is coming back and its all been a big mistake. Trust me that's the last thing going on

The guy has gone, its over, and he probably aint coming back so get your ass into gear and start setting yourself up girl PLEASE!
Your friend
Deep x


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chopsy said:


> Dogs get away with everything!
> 
> Friend just left, she stayed overnight due to icy roads around here. She was also helping me with the video camera, my H's toy. We managed to hook it up the telly and I played several bits from it. It had loads on, back to 2009 when he got. It. Three films we made together, one with the nephews. I actually couldn't watch them so fast forwarded through. lots of me and H on walks, one, our favourite mountain in Wales. My dog was in film on that walk, he looked so happy, I haven't seen him that happy in so long. Just broke my heart. Also seeing H smiling for the camera, being sweet to me on film, a birthday party for me where he baked the cake and arranged everything. So many memories. Maybe not the best idea to watch it but I was curious what was on there. And I wanted to clear the memory so I could use it or sell. our whole life on film. Just heart breaking. I know it was his choice to leave. I know that. Bit what we lost, was so so much. I miss him so much now. Seeing his smiling face, laughing, happy just made it so real. I've not seen him in six months now. The best part of my life over.
> 
> ...


Chops,

A little more lumber, perhaps?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I so don't like it when you go quiet.

Come on Chopsy, I KNOW you're out there!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Deep, thanks for kicking my ass. Conrad, the threat of lumber did the job! 

You're right deep, wtf was I doing watching those films? :bankhead: I thought it would be ok, I thought I would see lots of film of my nephews when they were wee. anyway, lo and behold, I triggered majorly. Fell apart for two days. 

I'm reading the detachment and 180 links all over again. I made an a$$ of myself by texting when drunk and crying. Middle of the night. I cannot ever do that again. EVER! Too humiliating. I totally lost it tbh. Couldn't even come on here and face myself. 

Evenings/night are my worst times and when alone more liable to fall of the cliff so I am blocking up every motherf*ckin evening for the rest of my life. Seriously. I am getting a plan andfor once going to get my sh1t together. Went to a meetup tonight. Had a laugh. Yoga tomorrow. Probably another meetup on Friday. Saturday have a house warming to go to. This is how it's going to play out. I cannot be alone in the evening. Not yet, can't trust myself not to wallow and over think everything to the point of making myself even more depressed. 

Job. Am I ever going to get one? Not sitting on my a$$, so that is such a big priority now. My landlord is back from France and her and I will be sitting down for a chat this week or next I would have thought. Probably sooner than later. So I'll know soon what my housing situation is. I'm ok staying here, I don't feel burdened with memories tho it is our marital home. Guess cos he wasn't here much anyway, always working away. So either stay here or find a new home. 

When I was out tonight, I was drinking coke due to driving home after, as per usual. In our group some people were drinking and some weren't. No biggie. It occurred to me that it was nice to not be pressured to drink. My H used to do that. I always drove if we went out because he would almost always get bladdered. He would hound me to have a drink saying one wouldn't hurt, but I never saw the point. I'd have a small glass of wine with a meal, but otherwise never of driving. It used to really annoy me and I know now it was because he wanted me drinking so he could feel ok about drinking so much. I guess his new posOW drinks a lot, guess he doesn't have that problem with her! 

Maybe I'm coming into a new phase. Six months now since he left. All this time I have missed him, pleaded and begged, etc. our marriage was good but it wasn't perfect and tbh there are lots of benefits of not having him here anymore. I do not miss his drinking. His mother was an alchoholic. Looks like he might be going down the same road. Totally self-medicates. It's becoming easier to remember these things now. 

I might be a mess at times, but there's no one else at home making even more drama in my life. Makes me think of what KC said the other day, would I even want him back? Good question. 

To all the a$$ kickers and lumber-swinging heros on TAM, Mwah!


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Moving on to my new thread Empowering me to be me
Douchy title, but wth.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Chopsy said:


> Yesterday I was feeling a bit down and suddenly remembered a sheet of white card I had bought with the intention of making a vision board so I got out a pile of magazines and started cutting and glueing. Very restorative thing to do. I included activities I wanted to try, places I wanted to go, the type of house I'd like, things and people I love. I've set it up where I can see it and I hope. It will help me turn my focus to what's positive in my life and what it can be,


Found it 
And I love this idea!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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