# What happened to my wife?



## rogerd (May 28, 2011)

Recently I found out my wife cheated on me since the beginning our our marriage. I asked her about it and she said "can we just forget about the past"? I said yes but told her we should talk about it because I was worried about her. She kept the affair secret for 27 years. In fact she has cheated many times, some I knew about and some I didn't. One day I started yelling for no reason. I think I was yelling at myself for being so blind. I saw the signs but ignored them. Now it seems the only way out is divorce. My wife had a nervous breakdown and has been gone 8 months. We have a daughter. This situation is too much for me to bear because it is so complicated. There is a restraining order against me. There was no violence. Without any communication I don't see how to fix this. Should I let her go? And what about our daughter, she's stuck in the middle but really I feel like the one stuck in the middle because my wife wants to be able the visit our daughter and that's out of the question...we can't handle the pain. Long story short, we can't live without mommy. The only thing we can come up with is to move away and start our lives over. Our daugher is 21 years old and is on my side with whatever I want to do. Everyone else is on my wife's side. She is in a mental home. This is not the mommy we know and love, she is on psycho drugs, not the same person. How can I save her when she does not want to be saved? If I had a spark of hope I could keep on living but I don't even see a tiny spark. She wants money, that's all. We have given her our last penny. I have to live for our daughter now. Any more visits are too hard to bear because we are not making any progress. The mental home is not helping us stay a family. Now there is a legal guardian involved. Before this all happened my wife only had an eating disorder, she is not mentally ill. The mental home takes all my wife's money, that's all they want. My wife is so lost there is no way to help her. Letting go is hard after 27 years. How can we live? Nothing is helping.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know what happened to your wife but it appears she is a serial cheater and you say you can't live without her but in fact, you have been for 8 months now. So it can be done (it is being done currently).

You said she has a restraining order against you. So you need to back off. I would take measures to end the reltaionship. If someone has gone as far as to take a court order out against you and has been gone 8 months w/ zero intention of coming back, you need to let go and fast. It sounds like you're prolonging the inevitable.

Oh and you asked "how can I save her when she doesn't want to be saved..." Answer: you can't It's not your responsibility to "save" someone. Especiallly when they don't walk help.


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## rogerd (May 28, 2011)

I agree, it's over. I did everything I could do. I will file for divorce. Thanks for the reply. After 8 months the pain is the same. My wife needs me but like you said, it is not my responsibility to save her. And I can't pay for her sin. All I can do is pick up the pieces and move on. At night I still look up at the stars and say "please bring her back Lord, please bring her back".


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> Before this all happened my wife only had an eating disorder, she is not mentally ill.


Are you sure, Roger? I ask because your're talking about a woman who had a "nervous breakdown," has been gone for 8 months, and apparently has been institutionalized for many months. Moreover, several mental disorders often result in an eating disorder. One of these is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. Although it is just a possibility, you may want to take a look at my description of typical BPDer behavior in GTRR's thread. My three posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you, Roger. Whether or not she has a personality disorder likely will not affect your decision to leave -- indeed, I left my exW -- but finding an explanation for such bizarre behavior can help enormously with getting a sense of closure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What was her reason for the restraining order?


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## rogerd (May 28, 2011)

She did not have a good reason, only the wrong shoe size, taking her out of the hospital where she thought she could get help, not asking her advice on paying the bills, etc. There was a "show cause" hearing for the restraining order and I could not show up because I was working out of state. The order went through. Our daughter asked her the reason for the order and all she said was "he knows why". She says she's afraid of me but that's not true either...I think she wants sympathy from her caregivers. And the affairs seem to be a way for her to feed her ego. Something I did not do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah I would be done,. if she has been gone almost a yr now, shows no wanting to be with you, took an order against you because you "scare" her... there is nothing there anymore


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Nothing happened to your wife, it would appear that she has always lacked character. Sounds harsh, but what she did to you is inhumane.


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## rogerd (May 28, 2011)

Thanks, you are right, it is inhumane. Especially since I took care of her all those years, she is disabled. I am so lost now. Starting over is the pits after 27 years. I feel tense. Of course she thinks everything is my fault but it's the drugs they have her on. The drug Serequel is the main problem but is working to keep her from having panic attacks. I can't figure out why she wants more money every day if she only loves me "in a way". In a way is not good enough. I have to drive 4 hours for our daughter to see her and she still screams "you can't keep me from my daughter". Sunday she expects me to bring her more money, I do this every day. I have to find a way to tell her enough is enough, she's mentally retarded with Williams syndrome and probably bi-polar too. My wife is the most precious person in the whole world to me no matter how she hurts me. I hurt her too by yelling during my own panic attack after enduring extreme stress since Jan. 2010. Not only does the pain not go away from not talking or seeing her, I have to hear her voice on our computer phone when our daughter calls her. She is not allowed to call us. The place where she is will not allow her to do anything that might get us back together. Her sister is the guardian now. The sister is being very mean to us and wants to take our daughter by legal force. This is so scary, what can I do? We are almost out of money. I take care of our daughter full time as she is disabled too. They both have Williams syndrome, one of only 3 other cases in the world with the mother and daughter having it. My wife needs me but my hands are tied and so are hers. I think we need an attorney before things get worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you sending her money and going to visit her if she has a restraining order against you???


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## rogerd (May 28, 2011)

I bring our daughter to see her and park across the street. Her sister instigated the restraining order. I'm not sure how to handle this.


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