# Do you 'notice' your W?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Talking to my H the other day. He caught me off guard with a compliment. 

Usually I graciously accept... but this one struck me because it emphasized a chasm between how we each think.

He said (and I am paraphrasing but the gist is there) that you see someone (ie your spouse) every day and they are just "there", you get used to them. Then you have moments when you just "notice" them... and told me I looked very pretty. 

I get that feeling pretty much every time I look at him. It is rare a day goes by that I have not had that "wow" feeling when I have looked at him. I feel pretty sad that he only thinks that about me now and again and does not really notice me the rest of the time.

Is this a guy specific thing? Does anyone else relate, or can throw some light on it, because it has really got me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Well, not to complain, because my H does give me compliments but it would be nice to get them more like what your H said to you. Like, you look very nice today, or that dress looks amazing, or you really did a good job with your makeup today. 

My H gives me compliments more of a lustful nature like "you look hot, you're so fine, blah blah blah" Not that I don't like those but they always seem to be centered around sex. So I want more of the kind that compliment and don't lead to ... um ... other activities.

But I'm like you, Walking I always taken by H's looks, appearance, swag, total package, every day. And top it off that he really is a GREAT guy I guess you can't have everything so I will have to do without the compliments like I mentioned above. (but it would be nice)


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Goes to show how different every one is! I would *love* a bit more of what you want less of!

I just feel sad he does not notice more often. I hate being thought of as "unnoticed."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> My H gives me compliments more of a lustful nature like "you look hot, you're so fine, blah blah blah" Not that I don't like those but they always seem to be centered around sex. So I want more of the kind that compliment and don't lead to ... um ... other activities.


BINGO>>>I have been "hot mama" "sexy ass" "hot cherry cobbler" "sweet potato pie" "hot apple pie" "gimme some of that"..(these are but a few "nick names for me all food that he can eat / referring to "sex" "my lover" ..my hot sexy mama lover".."can I have some fries with that shake"...and on and on...I cant even believe his imagine with these including one time he called me a "his sexy primate".

In 25 years I can count how many times on one hand probably that he otherwise complimented me at ALL (as a person) but even physically where it was more "non sexual" like ..ONE time (years ago ..see I never forgot ) he said ..wow you look pretty in that color ...navy...you should wear more navy...or wow ..thats a pretty dress on you ..he usually just licks his lips and says "that's what I'm talking about !"GIMME some of that!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> He said (and I am paraphrasing but the gist is there) that you see someone (ie your spouse) every day and they are just "there", you get used to them. Then you have moments when you just "notice" them... and told me I looked very pretty.
> 
> I get that feeling pretty much every time I look at him. It is rare a day goes by that I have not had that "wow" feeling when I have looked at him. I feel pretty sad that he only thinks that about me now and again and does not really notice me the rest of the time.



O.K here is what you need to appreciate..He SHARED his feelings..and its not he "never " notices you either..he does..but he was IMHO being intimate expressing like sometimes he sees you and goes "wow"..

And no its not a guy thing..lots of day go by I don't look at my husband and have a "wow " feeling" ..And I think "used to you " does not equate to "doesn't notice you "..at all..

Try not to take it the "wrong way" ..and appreciate he shares "deeper thoughts" like that with you ..even if its not your "dream " hes being "intimate" talking to you about those things..and honest.Lots of gals and guys wont.They keep that locked up.Dont make him regret he shared his feelings/thoughts with you .((((HUGS))))))


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Walking, he may not be as unobservant as his is clumsy at explaining himself. I know my heart can be full of brilliant, glowing, loving thoughts but those wonderful emotions fall or spew out of my mouth about as messy as a toddler eating spaghetti. This is why Hallmark is in business.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Walking, he may not be as unobservant as his is clumsy at explaining himself. I know my heart can be full of brilliant, glowing, loving thoughts but those wonderful emotions fall or spew out of my mouth about as messy as a toddler eating spaghetti. This is why Hallmark is in business.


True to ...he may be a "stuck my foot in my mouth" actually trying to verbalize a loving thought..

Not everyone can be a walking hallmark card..

I just think she for one needs to appreciate he trusted her to express the thoughts he had ..And I'm sorry I know everything is relative but I didn't even think it was that bad..It wasn't like normally I think you are an ugly dog..but on a rare occasion I go "wow"..your not that bad! with my beer goggles on !I can do that !

Maybe he was saying ..on a typical busy day he takes you for granted and forgets to notice how WOW you are...but on some days its in his face and he has to stop and smell the roses..and you are his rose....(yes I could write for hall mark! LOL)..(the 99 cent kind NOT the 4.99 kind LOL)


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thanks dallasapple and unbelievable. I guess there is allways another way of looking at things. And I don't want him to feel it is a bad thing to share. But it did sound very different to how I view him. 

I guess it worried me cause I can remember that exact feeling of only on occasion noticing that a partner was looking particularly nice... And that was because I just did not see them in "that" way any more. Needless to say, those relationships ended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is related:

My wife is always on the kids. Do your homework, clean your room, do the dishes, pick up this or that. She disciplines so much that it's basically her standard way of relating to them. I've tried many times to get her to cool it but she just can't seem to let go of the small stuff. On the other hand, I'm very low key about all of that stuff. Almost never raise my voice. But when I do, the whole house takes notice. I choose my battles carefully, and when I make a demand things get done. Like, right now.

Maybe you get why this is related, maybe you don't. If he sees you as miss wonderful every time he looks at you, then it's just the normal state of being. There's never anything really special or outstanding. Since you look at him that way all the time, it means less than if you looked at him that way only when something was really different. So when he tells you you look pretty one day, it actually means something.

For the record, I don't say "I love you" very often. When I do, I can almost see her knees get weak (and mine too, because it seriously means a lot to me when I say it). If I said it twice a day it would be reduced to the equivalent of "good morning"


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is related:
> 
> My wife is always on the kids. Do your homework, clean your room, do the dishes, pick up this or that. She disciplines so much that it's basically her standard way of relating to them. I've tried many times to get her to cool it but she just can't seem to let go of the small stuff. On the other hand, I'm very low key about all of that stuff. Almost never raise my voice. But when I do, the whole house takes notice. I choose my battles carefully, and when I make a demand things get done. Like, right now.
> 
> ...


I get that..and I feel the exact same way .Including sex.But yeah what comes easy and is a "given" routine like "hello" like a "greeting" that should MEAN more than that..doesn't mean as much(or much at all) or as special (or special at all) than when its said /done when truly from the heart when it means a lot to you that you are saying it..And not so common..Like "hello".


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Working on me said: "If I said it twice a day it would be reduced to the equivalent of "good morning" "

This may be true for some, but certainly is not true for us. We say ILY multiple times per day, as well as many other sexual and non-sexual compliments. Never once are any of these just a "nicety" like "good morning".

Heck, even our "good mornings" are sincere and filled with love and the true desire for the other to actually experience a good morning!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Working on me said: "If I said it twice a day it would be reduced to the equivalent of "good morning" "
> 
> This may be true for some, but certainly is not true for us. We say ILY multiple times per day, as well as many other sexual and non-sexual compliments. Never once are any of these just a "nicety" like "good morning".
> 
> Heck, even our "good mornings" are sincere and filled with love and the true desire for the other to actually experience a good morning!


Do you have a way of expressing an "extra special" ILY that distinguishes it as something more than the ones you're saying multiple times a day?

If my stereo is always turned on at a 5, then I notice it when I turn it up to 10. If my stereo is always at 10, then there is no way to turn it up any higher.

Anyway, this is just what works in my life. Certainly there are people who go through life full blast 100% of the time and that works for them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It is more like, 70% of each day is spent by us either not together (we are at work) or not mentally together (we are each engaged on separate projects or tasks). For the 30% of the day we ARE together, we are feeling "higher" and more excited in general, because we experience our love for each other and let it flow out unstopped. For the 5% of the day when we are together AND we are saying our ILY's, we are making out, we are complimenting each other, or we are actively engaged in loving or sexual behavior, for that 5% of the time, we are in a VERY heightened state of love.

So yeah, I guess for 5% of each day we live with our love full blast on. And it is the best part of our day...makes us feel alive, energetic, courageous, sexy and sexual, and grateful to God (or whomever) for bringing us together.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

That's very cool. Sometimes I wish my personality could handle something like that.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband tends to be that walking Hallmark card. I've never known a man who is so verbally affectionate before. 

I think most men I've known are sort of "mission oriented." They have their thoughts focused on what they'll be doing next, or what did happen recently, or nothing at all, but rarely are simply open to being "receptive" to their environment. 

I'm more like a guy in this. I'm the one who doesn't notice much. For me, it's like I'm driving to work and I see all these trees and they are just... there. I couldn't tell you if I saw 10, 50, 100, or 12,000. But if one fell across the road in front of me, I would sure notice it. Shrug. Hope that doesn't make me a bad wife, because if it does, I'm doomed.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My husband is also the kind who compliments more in a sexual way, most of the time it is along the lines of, 'You're so hot baby", "you do it for me', etc.

I figure since I am on the large side, he just doesn't see me as 'pretty', but more as his sexual partner. I take what I can get..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> . If he sees you as miss wonderful every time he looks at you, then it's just the normal state of being. There's never anything really special or outstanding. Since you look at him that way all the time, it means less than if you looked at him that way only when something was really different. So when he tells you you look pretty one day, it actually means something.
> 
> For the record, I don't say "I love you" very often. When I do, I can almost see her knees get weak (and mine too, because it seriously means a lot to me when I say it). If I said it twice a day it would be reduced to the equivalent of "good morning"



This is something that should be copy and pasted into every thread in which a wife is feeling neglected because he doesn't say.....

Brilliant contribution WorkingOnMe!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is related:
> 
> My wife is always on the kids. Do your homework, clean your room, do the dishes, pick up this or that. She disciplines so much that it's basically her standard way of relating to them. I've tried many times to get her to cool it but she just can't seem to let go of the small stuff. On the other hand, I'm very low key about all of that stuff. Almost never raise my voice. But when I do, the whole house takes notice. I choose my battles carefully, and when I make a demand things get done. Like, right now.
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. I do. I get it. I just do not agree!

I look at my H however many times a day. Every time I get "that" feeling. Butterflies I guess. It isn't something I conjure up, it just happens. It's pretty cool.

It doesn't mean less TO ME because it happens all the time? I mean, he is attractive because, well, he is attractive to look at. He isn't attractive just sometimes. He is like that all the time. His looks don't change.

To be clear, I am not talking about how often you *say* someone is pretty/whatever. I get the reasoning behind that. What I am very specifically talking about is the fact that he stated he only now and again NOTICES that I am pretty/insert compliment here. To me that implies that the rest of the time I am either not pretty/etc to him, or it does not register for whatever reason. It is quite a chasm between how I see him and how he sees me (or doesn't!)

I am seeing this is different for others though.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Working on me said: "If I said it twice a day it would be reduced to the equivalent of "good morning" "
> 
> This may be true for some, but certainly is not true for us. We say ILY multiple times per day, as well as many other sexual and non-sexual compliments. Never once are any of these just a "nicety" like "good morning".
> 
> Heck, even our "good mornings" are sincere and filled with love and the true desire for the other to actually experience a good morning!



WOW...I hope ya'll can do and say that for 60 + years every day.. AND BE ONE OF THOSE couples..who it has deep meaning sexual and non sexual comments all day (many times) .Without it feeling like "just what you say" but with deep passion .That's impressive.Because that's what makes both of you happy....and very rare..And if you you already are?(been together 60 + years ) then my hats off to you ..I personally myself don't even NEED or want to be told "he loves me" many(multiple) times a day plus sexual comments ..but everyone is different.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> My husband is also the kind who compliments more in a sexual way, most of the time it is along the lines of, 'You're so hot baby", "you do it for me', etc.
> 
> I figure since I am on the large side, he just doesn't see me as 'pretty', but more as his sexual partner. I take what I can get..


((((HUGS)))) I'm sorry you feel that way..


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Up until recently I felt like nothing more than a piece of furniture. Oh he said he loved me and gave me compliments when I dressed up but I felt as he if didn't SEE me.

WW you know my story. Now my husband looks at me as if he hasn't seen me everyday for 21 years. I on the other hand always got butterflies when he looked at me.

He checked out of the marriage but I didn't. That's my best explanation of what happened and he agrees. 

He's checked back in now and it's all different now.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> *Up until recently I felt like nothing more than a piece of furniture. Oh he said he loved me and gave me compliments when I dressed up but I felt as he if didn't SEE me.*


This a MILLION times ^^^^^^^^^^^^

And to top it all off... 

I bought a cute sweater to wear today. I liked the print and I thought H would like it as it is slightly off the shoulder which he mentioned before he likes and would like if I wore.

He saw it and told me I reminded him of some way older swinger woman from the TV. "But you look nice."

Way to give a compliment there!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband also tells me at least once a day, if not more the "I love you" phrase. What beautiful words to hear on a daily basis. It means so much to me and I have never told him that. My husband is always to say it first. But then again we hold hands daily/nightly. He is always touching/hugging me several times a day/night as well.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

do you still need courting,thoughtfull things done for you,or in your behalf. do you just feel lost and alone. get naked and re discover your selves. both of you are failing.F grade to you for bringing it up instead of dealing with it.


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## ramsesgirl (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband stopped making those comments after our first year of marriage. I guess I am guilty of the same. I find him attractive, and I tell him when I think he looks nice. Perhaps I let it dwindle, because I don't want to say nice things just to hear nothing in return. It would be nice if my husband noticed me; certainly other people do. I try not to let it bother me, though.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Conveyor belt of compliments from mundane to sexual. A lot of joking around like "you're having an affair". "You're trying to manipulate me". "I can see what's going on here". "I'm not going if you're wearing that (with jealous look)"

And a lot of it is returned in-kind. If I tell her she looks pretty this morning then the response is "Oh so you are saying that I'm usually ugly". Or "It's too late. I'm leaving you."


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## JustPuzzled (Dec 12, 2012)

Do I 'notice' my W? Good golly, yes!

Every time she crosses a room.

I often tell her how pretty she is, but she always gives me a look that says: "You're just saying that because you think you should."

Years ago she told me that when she saw me across a room it made her heart jump. I still feel that way about her. We have no obvious problems in our marriage but I worry that I don't make her heart "jump" anymore.

To the original question, no, not a guy thing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Up until recently I felt like nothing more than a piece of furniture.
> 
> He checked out of the marriage but I didn't.
> 
> He's checked back in now and it's all different now.


I wonder how often this is the case. It makes sense, although I can't say I've ever thought that way. I said how I'm like this, too, and when I think about it, I have to acknowledge that it *is* a little "checked out" as opposed to being fully engaged.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I wonder how often this is the case. It makes sense, although I can't say I've ever thought that way. I said how I'm like this, too, and when I think about it, I have to acknowledge that it *is* a little "checked out" as opposed to being fully engaged.


My husband was afraid of me. He feared repercussions over even minor slights so to protect himself he used the protective shield of the tv. In his mind he could do nothing right for me so he stopped fully engaging. But yes there are degrees of checking out I think, I do it with my PTSD difference is I'm aware of it. I try now to be fully present in my life and its not always easy.

My husband is still afraid of me but acknowledges that there is no reason to be. He is more engaged now so he is free to give sincere compliments and he watches a whole lot less tv now.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> My husband was afraid of me. He feared repercussions over even minor slights so to protect himself he used the protective shield of the tv. In his mind he could do nothing right for me so he stopped fully engaging. But yes there are degrees of checking out I think, I do it with my PTSD difference is I'm aware of it. I try now to be fully present in my life and its not always easy.
> 
> My husband is still afraid of me but acknowledges that there is no reason to be. He is more engaged now so he is free to give sincere compliments and he watches a whole lot less tv now.


H also feels he cannot say anything to me because I do not see the good in what he is saying. Or that I twist things around, ie compliments,and turn them back on him. This being a case in point. He again feels he cannot do anything right.

Trouble is, he consistently has a pattern of saying a lot but not doing much. So I doubt his words. In fact in talking about this very thing, I realize how little his words mean any more. I "look" at his actions. I have been very trusting for so long in his words and been led quite a dance because of it. So now I hear the words but actually pay attention to the actions. And they tell a very different story to what he says verbally.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Trouble is, he consistently has a pattern of saying a lot but not doing much. So I doubt his words. In fact in talking about this very thing, I realize how little his words mean any more. I "look" at his actions. I have been very trusting for so long in his words and been led quite a dance because of it. So now I hear the words but actually pay attention to the actions. And they tell a very different story to what he says verbally.


This was how I finally faced the truth that my husband was checked out and not into me AT ALL. He said all the right things but his actions said otherwise. That's when I let him go emotionally. That got his attention. Then I was able to be vulnerable and open. I showed him my pain and he responded with kindness and love.

We haven't been the same since.


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