# "Fog" poll



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Just curious.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

The problem with the "fog" is that everyones definition is a little different. I saw my WW in the "fog", and I saw her come out of the fog. So yes, I believe in the "fog" as I see it. 

I personally like the term. I grew up near the ocean and I have been in the real fog a lot. In a real fog you KNOW that there are things out there, you just can't see them. I remember walking to school as a kid and pretending I was totally alone and not just walking through a park in a big city. It was a fantasy and I knew it wasn't real but it was pretty believable until the sun burned off all the clouds and three I was, back in the real world. 

It was the same way for my WW. She knew she was living in a fantasy world with the POSOM, but *she choose* to believe what she wanted to, until her lies and secrets caught up to her and the fog started to lift and all of a sudden she was forced to see all the things she had hidden in *her* fog. *She choose* to accept the reality of what she was doing, some WS's never do, or only after it's too late. 

Either way, like a real fog, they know the real world is out there, they just CHOOSE to ignore it and pretend they are "all alone" with their AP, but sooner or later the sun burns off all the fog and they are forced to face the reality of what they are doing or what they have done. And sometimes they end up alone in this in this world, this time for real.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Any new romantic relationship involves "fog."


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Rookie4 said:


> Just curious.


*Ever seen BigFoot?​*
Try to convince someone that has... it's not real!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Yes and no. Like HarryDoyle said, everyone's definition is different. As Married_but_Happy said, any new relationship involves "fog".

The head over heels, infatuation and putting on the pedestal, and idealization of the AP is similar/the same as a new relationship that wasn't born out of an affair. Everyone who has fallen in love has known it and experienced it.

I also use the "fog" to describe other things, other behaviours that don't have anything to do with the infatuation/affair fog. For instance, his justifications, beliefs, rationalizations and behaviours. It was like an alien had taken my spouse. It all contrasted deeply with who he was before for eight years and who he has been after his affair.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Not trying to offend but I think it is a big pile of horse @#$%! 

People can be attracted to someone they aren't married to, they can choose to pursue or be pursued by om/ow, they can choose to fvck om/ow, they can choose to engage them emotionally and give them their hearts, they can choose to betray their spouse and children for the physical/emotional attention from infidelity.

Everyone, except the clinically insane, choose where they give and get their affection from. A wife can choose to fvck a total scum instead of her husband, she can give said scum her heart, she can later decide that dropping her panties to be a scumbags meathole might not have been too bright, she can then choose to commit her heart and body back to her husband, or not.

It is decision making at every step. Is it wise? I don't think so but it is certainly a choice every step. Our minds do control us unless otherwise specified, insane, date rape drug... Etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can be in a fog - infatuated, in love, in lust, high on a hormonal ****tail, etc. - but still make rational choices if you have any self-discipline whatsoever. Yes, it may even be VERY difficult, but you can do it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> You can be in a fog - infatuated, in love, in lust, high on a hormonal ****tail, etc. - but still make rational choices if you have any self-discipline whatsoever. Yes, it may even be VERY difficult, but you can do it.


Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think it's real but it's not a cop out. Certainly, when we fell in love initially and honestly it wasn't at the price of others or destruction to others lives. Unlike an affair.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Yes, I do believe it is real. I would not if my FWH had SAID he had been in it as an excuse. It happens to some cheaters in that they really believe somewhat suddenly that their marriage is all crap and only the AP really "gets" them. They rewrite history in their mind, aided and abetted by the AP, that they were wronged by their spouse and deserve what they want, no matter what.

After D-day and when they realize they may actually lose their current life, which they often find out they really don't want to, they start to discover how twisted their whole affair really was. They cannot believe they actually did that, had become that person. They are on their way out of the fog at that point. But, it might take a while because it's hard to admit to yourself that you were such a fool.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening married but happy
I completely agree. I'll add that because the "fog" can warp you thinking, its important to keep your wits about you in a new relationship, or when interacting with someone you are crushing on. Getting drunk can break through those last inhibitions - and you can end up doing something you really will regret (or not )



Married but Happy said:


> You can be in a fog - infatuated, in love, in lust, high on a hormonal ****tail, etc. - but still make rational choices if you have any self-discipline whatsoever. Yes, it may even be VERY difficult, but you can do it.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Rookie how can you tell someone what and how they feel.

If I feel cold, how can you say I do not. Too many people talk about the emotions in an A that some have come to call Fog. 

What difference does it make by the way,

If there is no fog what does the WS feel during an A. lAre they just evil? Is it the devil.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jim123 said:


> Rookie how can you tell someone what and how they feel.
> 
> If I feel cold, how can you say I do not. Too many people talk about the emotions in an A that some have come to call Fog.
> 
> ...


Yes. The form of evil is called selfishness and betrayal. I am starting to wonder if maybe some people have a different mind make up than others. Maybe there is a"fog" but I am incapable of experiencing while someone else might? That is the most I will ever concede on this issue. The "fog" is something I cannot understand because I cannot experience it.

My mind does not function that way. I experience the same urges and temptations as anyone and after 23 years with the same woman, we have obviously had our share of very hard times. There is simply a cool, powerful force of mind that exerts control in vulnerable circumstances. Maybe some people don't have this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Yes. The form of evil is called selfishness and betrayal. I am starting to wonder if maybe some people have a different mind make up than others. Maybe there is a"fog" but I am incapable of experiencing while someone else might? That is the most I will ever concede on this issue. The "fog" is something I cannot understand because I cannot experience it.
> 
> My mind does not function that way. I experience the same urges and temptations as anyone and after 23 years with the same woman, we have obviously had our share of very hard times. There is simply a cool, powerful force of mind that exerts control in vulnerable circumstances. Maybe some people don't have this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The fog is not the cause of the A. The fog is what allows the affair to continue


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

If anyone wants to ask me a question, or comment on my position , please do so on the other "fog" thread. I don't want to interfere with the poll and so will refrain from commenting until it is over. Thank You.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> I haven't said anything, except "just curious", you are projecting in a huge way, if you can read anything else in that.


Uh, you're kidding, right?? LMAO.....you said it all in your last thread.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jim123 said:


> The fog is not the cause of the A. The fog is what allows the affair to continue


Yes. I am telling you I have been in my share of experiences. When I was 19, a woman I had been in love with since Junior year, came on to me. She was hot and beautiful and I was still in love with her. We spent an evening together, talking and eventually making out in a friends house. The chemistry was awesome and I could literally feel fire coming from her body and consuming me. Her pants were half way down and I stopped. She just looked at me with longing and deep desire and I pulled her pants up and buttoned them. I took her home and told her goodbye. She was married.

I was in it. It was so perfect and I felt truly alive! We were perfect together. It would have felt wonderful to just be with her. My mind took control. With great firmness and coolness, my mind ruled over that situation. I was only 19 and it has gotten stronger with age. To say that I hadn't given my heart away would be false. I have only loved my wife more. This woman had my heart she set my body on fire and I still took control. That is what I'm talking about. Maybe some people can take control easier than others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: "Fog" poll*



ConanHub said:


> Yes. I am telling you I have been in my share of experiences. When I was 19, a woman I had been in love with since Junior year, came on to me. She was hot and beautiful and I was still in love with her. We spent an evening together, talking and eventually making out in a friends house. The chemistry was awesome and I could literally feel fire coming from her body and consuming me. Her pants were half way down and I stopped. She just looked at me with longing and deep desire and I pulled her pants up and buttoned them. I took her home and told her goodbye. She was married.
> 
> I was in it. It was so perfect and I felt truly alive! We were perfect together. It would have felt wonderful to just be with her. My mind took control. With great firmness and coolness, my mind ruled over that situation. I was only 19 and it has gotten stronger with age. To say that I hadn't given my heart away would be false. I have only loved my wife more. This woman had my heart she set my body on fire and I still took control. That is what I'm talking about. Maybe some people can take control easier than others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In this respect you and I are very much alike. Even when in an alcohol and drug induced haze I never bedded a married woman. I did have some control, just not apparently with the drugs and alcohol. When I was first "courting" (love using that word) my wife I was consumed by infatuation. Yet I was able to maintain a logical point of view, step back and look at things from 1000 ft. But you do also bring up an important question. Are some people more prone to "fogging up" in different situations. Are some people more susceptible to different stimuli? I couldn't resist the pull of substance abuse even though I knew what I was doing was wrong and someday I'd have to face the consequences of my actions. Maybe with women I could maintain control but with cocaine I was putty?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I have to be willing to admit that different people have different strengths and weaknesses. Maybe there is a"fog" that some experience and others, obviously, don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I think some get hung up on the word 'fog'. It's just a name and could be called self-delusion, confusion, denial or whatever other word describes that mind-body reaction and narrative in the mind of a cheater that allows them to do what they are doing. 

They don't think they are evil, or even wrong, sometimes. They are drawn to the AP for the excitement, the camaraderie they feel, like an it's "us against them" kind of thing. They are feeling the chemical reaction of that excitement. My FWH said he actually kind of got a thrill from the sneaking 'around' part. he did not physically cheat, so he didn't really have to GO anywhere, just far enough to be away from my eyes or ears. It was a challenge not to get caught.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The human mind has a lot of mechanisms to protect itself from it's own poor decisions.

It has to. I mean, when you're a kid and you take a cookie from the cookie jar and get in trouble for it, eventually you learn that you shouldn't do it...

But you also learn how to justify your behaviour to yourself, and compartmentalize sufficiently to allow you to feel good about yourself.

And this is what the fog is. Not only is your brain awash in new relationship chemicals when you're around the other person, but you come up with reasons why what you're doing is OK. "It doesn't mean anything," "I'm just doing this for me," "My spouse doesn't understand me," etc.

And that's only IF you take your spouse into account at all. Compartmentalization allows you to separate work life from home life, how you are with friends vs how you are at home, how you are as a parent vs how you are as a lover, etc.

I'm not saying it's OK. I'm saying it's a bunch of coping mechanisms that allows people to do things that they themselves find abhorrent.

I've seen the fog close up and personal. I've talked to people that have come out of it. And that's exactly how they describe it -- "it's like I was in a fog."


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: "Fog" poll*



marduk said:


> The human mind has a lot of mechanisms to protect itself from it's own poor decisions.
> 
> It has to. I mean, when you're a kid and you take a cookie from the cookie jar and get in trouble for it, eventually you learn that you shouldn't do it...
> 
> ...


I agree. I think people are making it out to be more than it is. The strange thing is that those people seem to be the ones that deny it exists in the first place.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

bfree said:


> I agree. I think people are making it out to be more than it is. The strange thing is that those people seem to be the ones that deny it exists in the first place.


I think it's also important to remember that the fog doesn't cause or excuse affairs, it's how the people having them can look themselves in the face while they're doing it.

It's a coping mechanism. And it's probably instinctually hard-wired. I mean think about it. 

People like to have sex with people. Spread their genes around. This is your genetic agenda.

So there's probably all kinds of biological and psychological tools to allow a person to do this... at least long enough for a pregnancy.

While still keeping the spouse around to support the cheater and any children that they have or will come in the future.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Not trying to offend but I think it is a big pile of horse @#$%!
> 
> People can be attracted to someone they aren't married to, they can choose to pursue or be pursued by om/ow, they can choose to fvck om/ow, they can choose to engage them emotionally and give them their hearts, they can choose to betray their spouse and children for the physical/emotional attention from infidelity.
> 
> ...


But I *wasn't* physically attracted to the OW.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Here is lordmayhem's post about how quickly affair fog can progress:

"These kinds of threads hit home for me because this is almost exactly how my fWWs affair started: With her reconnecting with an old boyfriend from many years ago. Believe me, because of their past intimate connection, the affair begins very quickly. F-102 posted a very good list of how the progression from merely reconnecting, to a full fledged affair.

Originally Posted by F-102 
Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"

Here's the unabridged version:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted 
Their families
Their spouses
You (the BS)
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that
How insensitive you can be some times
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after..."

Yes, the wife should have stopped this before it got so far, but she didn't want to, so the fog took over and clouded her thinking. Our brains can justify anything that we want, hence the "fog."


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

"Compartmentalization"

Yes, a good word, some people are masters at this. They do what they want and lock it away in it's own box and go on with their day. I am not like that. Everything I think or do swims around in my head all the time. I constantly have to reorganize and prioritize to function during the day to be productive. 

The 2nd time my FWH cheated with the same OW he was so good at it, compartmentalization, that I again had no clue even though you'd think I would have been more suspicious and had my BS sensors up. We were in R, I thought, and were having the best year we had had in years. 
The first time we were not communicating well or getting along and he was always angry so I wasn't really in tune to it for a while, and then I wondered if I even cared. But I did.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I think possessed by demons is what I called it at the time before I heard the term "Fog"


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## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

In order to cheat there is always a mind shift to justify cheating. 

It's common for cheaters to either call it a fog or declare it a fog after conciously choosing to cheat. This is the trump card in the sense that it can be pulled out even if a fws declares there was no fog in the beginning but the "fog" got a hold of them durring affair. It's double talk, and if challenged the poor me, bad, unhappy marriage, not meeting my needs, card comes out. 

How can someone who claims to be so unhappy in their marriage think that screwing someone else is a solution? Makes you wonder if they were really that unhappy that cheating and getting their ego stroked was worth the devastation as opposed to a civil divorce. 

It's like saying the house was burning so I decided to pour some gasoline on it and light a match to cool it off.

Of course there will be those who claim that there are worse things than being cheated on. Claim that BS's do plenty of crappy things too. That just because a BS got cheated on doesn't make them a saint. 

Plenty of BS's are flawed, some more than others. Plenty of WS's are also flawed, some more than others.

It's weird, that the one who cheats claims to be the victim. It's an oxymoron to claim to be a victim and conduct a double life that is centered around lying and deceit.

There is no such thing as fog, before, durring, or after an affair. 

Those who cheat, are saying with that action they do not want to divorce but just want some extra. That's not fog, it's cake.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

But I'm not a cheater. My ex W was never in the fog. And yet I believe it exists. Am I a cheater sympathizer? Am I a cheater apologist? If you look at my history on TAM and the advice I've given I doubt you can come to that conclusion. So? I've never actually heard or seen a cheater use the fog as an excuse. Not on TAM. Not in group. Not in all the cases I've dealt with. So who are those cheaters that you're talking about?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Although I am a bit agnostic, I'll say the fog exists. Whether the fog resides more in the WS or BS, well, there is my uncertainty. Probably in both places. Times memories come into my head of things I cannot put out of my head or reconcile except by putting them up to the fog. The fog is a lazy defense mechanism to place some comfortable buffer against the harshness of reality.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

bfree said:


> But I'm not a cheater. My ex W was never in the fog. And yet I believe it exists. Am I a cheater sympathizer? Am I a cheater apologist? If you look at my history on TAM and the advice I've given I doubt you can come to that conclusion. So? I've never actually heard or seen a cheater use the fog as an excuse. Not on TAM. Not in group. Not in all the cases I've dealt with. So who are those cheaters that you're talking about?


As usual, I posted without reading all of what went before. Bfree, I just saw your post after I posted and I think it is consistent with my feelings about the fog. The fog is a rationalization device for the BS as much as it is anything else.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm not sure if I have run afoul of the ground rules here, apologize if I have, but what is an impartial opinion? And how could you expect to find any on the topic of infidelity in this place?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

There is no clear definition as to what is meant by Fog, so I can't answer this poll. 

Some folks talk about it like it's some outside influence that the WS has no control over, that I do not believe it. 

Others talk about it as a coping mechanism that the WS ebraces in order to feel good about the bad things they are doing. That I do believe.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: "Fog" poll*



Rookie4 said:


> Well, Acoa, your safest bet would be to vote yes. Apparently, one of the most cunning attributes of the "fog" is that it can be defined in any way it's practitioners wish it to be. The very number and variety of definitions would fill a fair-sized book. And, of course, it's definition can and does change from minute to minute, according to the mood of the user. It is truly a remarkable condition.


Passive aggressive response. And you just got through telling others not to do what you just did in this post.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Why another thread about fog? Does believing in fog or not believing in fog make it any easier to get betrayed?Does your belief in fog or disbelief make your gut wrench any less when you find out you've just become a betrayed spouse??
No.I don't think it does. So why the f**k should it matter anyway??


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: "Fog" poll*



Rookie4 said:


> My post wasn't addressed to you, was it? I have asked you not to respond to my posts, but since you don't seem to be able to do that. I will answer this one time. I am doing it because everybody else is. The possibility of this poll being neutral has been screwed beyond fixing, so I might as well join the fun. Now, if you please, don't comment on my posts, and I won't comment on yours. Sounds fair to me.


I do not need nor desire your permission to post. If you do not want to read what I have to say then block me.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

EI said:


> rookie, can you give me one example of where my description of "the fog" has changed? It's obvious that the word "fog," (unless it is defined as a _thick cloud of tiny water droplets suspended in the atmosphere at or near the earth's surface that obscures or restricts visibility, to a greater extent than mist; strictly reducing visibility to below 1 km_) is vague, and is being used as a metaphor, in an effort, at your request, to describe a subject as complex as feelings. How do you describe feelings, lust, infatuation, longing, love, a runner's euphoria, a skydiving high, or even a cocaine high???
> 
> If you were to ask twenty different people to describe love, you would likely get 20, perhaps similar, but different responses. What about a runner's high? And, I personally experienced such a rush after skydiving that I might also describe it as foggy. It's difficult to describe, because it's difficult to remember every single moment of it. I just remember that it was exciting, but scary, it was energizing, yet surreal, it was thrilling, but terrifying. For several weeks afterwards, I had more energy, and was more optimistic, than I had remembered being in a long time. It was an adrenaline rush. But, my memories of the jump itself are actually somewhat foggy.
> 
> When you ask a question about a word that is obviously being used as a metaphor, then why argue or disagree when people are simply trying to describe what it means to them? Metaphors are used all of the time on TAM. I do think you are trying to make an argument where there is none. Once again, I will say that the fog is not responsible for my choices or for the choices of anyone else. But, the fog might be the reason that people continue to make certain choices. The fog is a very persuasive elixir. But, we still make the choices. We're still 100% accountable.


 As I have said (many, many, times)you and everybody else are perfectly free to believe anything you wish, but...so am I. I have tried to have a neutral poll, but even that is f*cked, because people are still trying to influence other posters. Why can't we just vote, and not try to politic? I'm willing to do it, why can't anybody else? The damn thing will be over in just a few days.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Why another thread about fog? Does believing in fog or not believing in fog make it any easier to get betrayed?Does your belief in fog or disbelief make your gut wrench any less when you find out you've just become a betrayed spouse??
> No.I don't think it does. So why the f**k should it matter anyway??


Yes, Scarlett, it seems that even on a Poll thread, the urge to politic is too strong to resist.Apparently it is too difficult to go to the other "fog" thread to continue the debate.So, from now on until this pestilential subject is laid to rest, I will go back to the other thread to make my commentsThere, I have deleted all except my last two comments. So I'm done with this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Yes, Scarlett, it seems that even on a Poll thread, the urge to politic is too strong to resist.Apparently it is too difficult to go to the other "fog" thread to continue the debate.So, from now on until this pestilential subject is laid to rest, I will go back to the other thread to make my commentsThere, I have deleted all except my last two comments. So I'm done with this.


Yep, pigeon posting at it's finest. About all you're good for.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Yes, Scarlett, it seems that even on a Poll thread, the urge to politic is too strong to resist.Apparently it is too difficult to go to the other "fog" thread to continue the debate.So, from now on until this pestilential subject is laid to rest, I will go back to the other thread to make my commentsThere, I have deleted all except my last two comments. So I'm done with this.


Well,this poll thread was kinda what I was referring to also.Why does there need to be a poll? If you believe it exists,great.If you don't believe it exists,great. I think it should really only matter to the individual and it is useless to have a group debate or weigh in session on the matter. As long as folks have a general idea of what it is they can choose what they believe without the help of the group. 

I just don't get the need for a "do you or don't you" discussion:scratchhead:


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Rookie:
You can't start a thread and then ask people not to comment on it, even if it includes a poll. TAM posters are not stupid; they can make up their own minds despite the opinions of others. You just sound peeved because the numbers are not what you expected.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Here we go again... I think the question is kind of vague, it's like saying "Do you believe in the elephant in the room"

Well, when there is a big thing that is obvious which nobody wants to discuss, then yes its clearly a suitable metaphor.

Likewise, when someone is undergoing some life event, that causes them to act irrational or out of character, like they are blinded or disconnected from the consequences of their actions, then yes fog can be a suitable metaphor.

And like the elephant in the room, or a number of other metaphors, the specific things that the metaphor is describing can be of a wide variety - so in that sense, yes the fog can be whatever one makes of it.

And so for those that did not read the other thread that you started Rookie, when it comes to common usage on this site, particularly in the CWI section, the fog that I refer to when talking about a cheater, is the kind in which they are not accepting responsibility for their actions.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

skype said:


> Here is lordmayhem's post about how quickly affair fog can progress:
> 
> "These kinds of threads hit home for me because this is almost exactly how my fWWs affair started: With her reconnecting with an old boyfriend from many years ago. Believe me, because of their past intimate connection, the affair begins very quickly. F-102 posted a very good list of how the progression from merely reconnecting, to a full fledged affair.
> 
> ...


It is scary how that chronology precisely fits my failed marriage. And all throughout it I was pretty much completely consistent (albeit a little on the depressed side). The thing about that chronology is that it doesn't start its descent at the actual moment the real events start to unfold, it only starts its descent as one spouse starts to consider their options outside of marital bounds.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Why another thread about fog? Does believing in fog or not believing in fog make it any easier to get betrayed?Does your belief in fog or disbelief make your gut wrench any less when you find out you've just become a betrayed spouse??
> No.I don't think it does. So why the f**k should it matter anyway??


It matters to a BS to know that others who've been betrayed have experienced their cheating spouse go through a fog - it is helpful for a loyal spouse to not have their own sanity broken, and their own history rewritten under their feet. It is nice to have an appropriate metaphor so that we realize the phenomenon of irrationality in their cheating spouse is in fact real and common so that we can formulate our own plan whether that means, 180, busting the affair, seeking proper legal counsel, seeking therapy etc.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> It matters to a BS to know that others who've been betrayed have experienced their cheating spouse go through a fog - it is helpful for a loyal spouse to not have their own sanity broken, and their own history rewritten under their feet. It is nice to have an appropriate metaphor so that we realize the phenomenon of irrationality in their cheating spouse is in fact real and common so that we can formulate our own plan whether that means, 180, busting the affair, seeking proper legal counsel, seeking therapy etc.


I understand what you're saying here,Lon.Absolutely. 

I just don't get the point of creating multiple threads to debate the existence of fog,that's really all I was saying.


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## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

The word fog is used as a metaphor to describe behavior of a cheating spouse driven by the dopamine generated from the illicit activities inherent in affairs.

Call it whatever you like, but the behavior is consistent with not thinking, seeing, or acting clearly, logically, or truthfully.


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## Mad SAHD (May 4, 2014)

My working theory is that affair fog = infatuation + cognitive dissonance resolution - or at least the latter is the subconscious psychological mechanism that enables the WS to allow the former to develop, as well as to justify the lies and secrecy to support it, while still being married and even possibly while still loving their spouse. To some extent, the magnitude of the self-delusions involved (such as to what degree they rewrite the history of the marriage) is a reflection of how much the affair and the actions that enable it violate their own sense of morality or how much guilt they are suppressing. Some WS's are so conflicted and have so much guilt and/or shame surrounding their affair that they will never consciously face it because it is too painful for them, so their fog never "lifts" even long after the affair - and marriage - are over.

Of course, it's just a theory. 😉


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I definitely believe there's something to it...

I saw it in action and I was there for when it lifted...


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

It's a real thing the fog is a perfect description for people so caught up in the moment they cant see the reality, painful to watch and frustrating when your ignored and they refuse directions out the fog, they can only emerge from it themselves


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<It matters to a BS to know that others who've been betrayed have experienced their cheating spouse go through a fog - it is helpful for a loyal spouse to not have their own sanity broken, and their own history rewritten under their feet. It is nice to have an appropriate metaphor so that we realize the phenomenon of irrationality in their cheating spouse is in fact real and common so that we can formulate our own plan whether that means, 180, busting the affair, seeking proper legal counsel, seeking therapy etc.>>

Good post. As I said earlier, "fog' is just a word, but it's just as good as any similar words. We are looking for commonality when we come here. We use other words and acronyms that everyone here uses so we all know what is being talked about. "Fog is just one of them.

That phenomenon is how some of us BS see and/or explain to ourselves, how a normally intelligent, respectable, honest spouse becomes a lying, sneaking cheat. I don't think it applies, necessarily, to serial cheaters who have never fully committed to someone or kept their vows. That would seem, to me at least, to be a full-time character flaw or some other psychological factor I am not qualified to discuss.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Wow. 41-8

I only hope my Patriots can put up similar numbers against the Bears this Sunday. I'd say this pretty much ends the discussion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've seen way too many people do complete about-faces and say and do incredibly ridiculous things no one ever thought possible once cheating. It truly is like a drug - that 'feel good' you get, that you have to have more of and can warp even your own memory around to incorporate the justification for the affair.


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