# Trying a 180....how long does it take?



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Since my H and I have done an in house separation, he's been WONDERFUL. NO outbursts whatsoever. I am still planning on moving out, but am wanting to view it as a trial separation. He agreed at first that's how he would look at it too.

Since then, he's tried to take back control of the situation by telling me he doesn't love me and if I move out it's permanent. That was followed up by an extreme amount of pain and tears from me, and I told him that I still loved him. Which I do. But it's long past time I drew a line in the sand and finally get the courage to stand up for myself and the kids and what I am willing to tolerate from his behavior. 

For the past 2 days I've been showing him a cheery side (UGH, it's HARD!) I've been trying to do a 180, and when we leave, I plan on doing no contact for about 30 days. 

My counselor said he could come to our next session if I wanted him to and if he wanted to. So I just told him about it. I'm not asking......just giving him the info and letting him decide what he wants to do with it. 

So how long is the 180 supposed to take until it works? If it ever works? He's been in a fine mood, but I am dying to see SOMEthing that makes me think he is willing to not give up on me and the kids. I mean, how can someone just throw away their family????????????

It's so hard for me to leave. I don't want to. But I NEED to. I'm trying so hard to look at it like this is HIS choice.....I would stay if he showed me a REAL attempt at wanting me/us.......but *I* am the one leaving! So I feel guilty about my decision. How on earth do I get over the guilt?

Sorry, I am trying not to flood the board with threads.....but I don't really have any local support.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> So how long is the 180 supposed to take until it works? If it ever works? He's been in a fine mood, but I am dying to see SOMEthing that makes me think he is willing to not give up on me and the kids. I mean, how can someone just throw away their family????????????


To me, doing a 180 should be a PERMANENT change that you make in yourself from this point forward - it is continually trying to improve yourself, setting and enforcing your boundaries, trying not to fall back in to the old patterns and habits (such as neediness or clinginess) that got you to where you were before.

I don't believe that there is a set answer as to how long you doing a 180 may affect your spouse and in what way. The whole point is to improve YOU because YOU are the only person that you can change! And that improvement in you will help you now and going forward, whether your husband is along for the ride or not.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Thank you Enchantment. I just had a huge DUH moment! LOL!

Your words moved me to tears. Because they are completely true. 

I know I'm not going to get better overnight, but I see that I've been playing the victim for far too long. I'm making myself hurt over this more than is necessary. 

Thank you so very much....


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I think it'll only inspire a turnaround in a spouse who has enough confidence in himself to believe he can do something positive for the relationship, and enough humility to put the relationship before his own self-protective/stubborn mechanisms.
Odd paradox, but both have to do with taking responsibility, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Yup, I am starting to see that too. And trying to allow myself to accept the fact that my H might not be ready or willing. That part hurts, but I can't sit around for another 12 years wallowing in self pity, waiting for him to change and holding myself back expecting him to "save" me. He either grows with me or we grow apart. 

Now getting my heart to accept that is the tricky part! LOL! But I'm getting there. My head has known it all along.....

Baby steps! It's like horse training......baby steps...... (Reminding myself here! LOL!)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You've got it backwards. The 180 is mostly for YOU. Not him.
Thing is: you are telling him you want to separate... you both agreed to it but now he's decided that if you leave him, it's game over. And that is his choice.

So either you guys figure out some middle ground or call it a day.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

I agree with what is being said about the 180. You need to work on yourself first. You have to be the one who change to start the ball rolling.


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