# my marriage is in trouble



## blacklexus (Dec 31, 2013)

Never thought I would be telling strangers my problems where do I begin. It's been in trouble for awhile playstation has changed the man I fell in love with been together 34 yrs. He was the man who promised to never hurt me if you knew him he was that perfect man so I thought. Long story short he lives & breathes ps3&4 morning afternoon & night meaning all night. He does work comes home eats showers & Ps the remainder of the day. He plays on teams with family & friends just found out girls play also not happy. My husband a yr ago July we went away with friends but something wasn't right I could tell my husband a bad panic attack shaking chest pain I thought this is strange. Well I know why we leave a day early still not figuring this out we get home I'm excited to show my kids who are 19 & 26 the pictures well My heart sunk In the picture in our computer also off the card are very dirty pictures of a girl now I 'm sick to my stomach my kids see these pictures we ask them to go out so we can talk. He admits to it says nothing happen almost just pictures where taken yah right. Never thought we never in 34 yrs fought just over dum thing normal things. I told him I would try to forgive him I would give it a yr but told him when I married you if you cheat on me that's one thing I know I will never get over. Well its over a year it didn't get better it's gotton worse all we do is fight over the summer I started moving thing personal things of mine he knows I want to leave but when I do he makes me feel bad like he's the victim & works my kids to make me feel worse. My heart is telling I know what I need to do but my head is telling me stay for them. He even stoop so low to say stay come & go when you want please don't leave me I'll try harder yah now that he broke my heart. Someone please talk to me no one in my life knows what's going on they think we are the perfect couple.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

What are you saying? You left vacation a day early and your husband had an affair and took pictures?? 

Please elaborate a little more


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

If you want help here, I think you will need to rewrite this a bit. That was really hard to understand. Slow down and just start with the important information. 

Are you saying your husband cheated? Or he just had some x-rated pictures?


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Are you saying your husband cheated? Or he just had some x-rated pictures?


Is there a difference? It would appear that in the mind of the OP they are one and the same. Isn't that what really defines betrayal?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Heck no!! There is a HUGE difference from pics of a naked woman and having an affair.......especially after being together 34 yrs as the OP stated


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

What I mean to say is that if the op feels betrayed by x-rated pictures, then her feelings are valid. For some people this is a huge betrayal. For others it is "just" pictures. What matters is how the op feels about it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Daisy2714 said:


> What I mean to say is that if the op feels betrayed by x-rated pictures, then her feelings are valid. For some people this is a huge betrayal. For others it is "just" pictures. What matters is how the op feels about it.


Well, then she should clarify that to help us understand. 

It certainly does matter. For one thing, a judge would grant a divorce on favorable terms to a woman who was the victim of adultery. But the same judge would just laugh at a woman who tried to divorce her husband simply because he possessed a porn photo.


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

Theseus,

You bring up a good point. From a legal perspective, yes, I agree there is a difference and it matters. Still, from the heart's perspective, the op defines the depth of the betrayal. 

In another thread here on TAM I listened to someone suggest that the sexual abuse his wife had endured as a child was not really a big deal because it was "just" fondling. I'm afraid I went off on him a bit for that. The idea that what she endured was minimized because just set off some triggers. 

My only point here is to say that if the op feels betrayed, her feelings are valid regardless of whether or not someone else would see the pictures as a betrayal.


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## blacklexus (Dec 31, 2013)

Sorry this all came out when we came back from our vacation. He took these picture weeks before tried to delete them from my camera. But God must of wanted me to see them because he thought he got them deleted & they didn't. He says that's has far as it went he left before something else happen I don't believe him. The play station is more fuel to the fire. I'm sorry the way I posted this is the first I have spoken of this with anyone.


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## blacklexus (Dec 31, 2013)

Maybe people feel I'm over reacting. But when you choice to say I do that mean a lot in my eyes. I'm just heart broken and never seen it coming so now because after 34 yrs of me trusting him. He did something he says he regrets but now my head is always wondering


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

blacklexus said:


> He took these picture weeks before tried to delete them from my camera. But God must of wanted me to see them because he thought he got them deleted & they didn't. He says that's has far as it went he left before something else happen I don't believe him. The play station is more fuel to the fire. I'm sorry the way I posted this is the first I have spoken of this with anyone.


So if I understand correctly, he took a picture of this other woman, and now claims that it was only a photo and he never touched her? I don't think I would believe him either. 

Since you have multiple issues here, I recommend going to marriage counseling with him before you decide if you want to end this marriage or not.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

So he took pictures of a girl? Are they in a private place (like a hotel room) or like pics of girls in bikinis on the beach? 

Is he private chatting with the girls he plays PS with? Or is it just that they are also on the online game with them?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I don't understand what you asking? Is it the gaming or the pictures?

Also if the two of you have been together for 34 years, which might put you two at almost 60 if you married at 25, is your Dh retired and has found a new hobby? Have the two of you grown apart and he is looking for someone new? 

Also I am wondering what kind of wife you are to him?

I am not being disrespectful in any way but is English a second language to you?


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

From the description/writing, the above, ... sounds to me like your husband took the picture of the woman which bothering you tremendously along with your endless suspicion of your husband's behaviour after 34 years' marriage. 

In the marriage, 'trust' is more important than 'love,' IMO, because 'trust' does not come by so easily and taking time to build and cultivate while 'love' is a sort of 'emotional' and 'passion.'

One of my neighbors, both are second marriage and after the husband's death in his early '60s, the second wife found he left all money, pension, retirement and saving to his first wife and grown children, not even one penny to her. It's truly heart-broken to the second wife who has no well-paying job, however sounds certainly his 'trust' went to the first wife even long time together/marriage with his second wife. 

In reading your very first post, I understand that your suspicion on your husband causing to diminish your trust on him after your seeing those photoes. In that case, it must be hard to resolve the issue with your husband who is very reluctant to change his current behaviour. Your feelings on the betrayal is overwhelming to do daily life both mentally and emotionally which might affet your physical health as well, soon or later. 

If there is still unresolted issue, I would strongly recommend to seek for professional help, MC soon.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

blacklexus said:


> Sorry this all came out when we came back from our vacation. He took these picture weeks before tried to delete them from my camera. But God must of wanted me to see them because he thought he got them deleted & they didn't. He says that's has far as it went he left before something else happen I don't believe him. The play station is more fuel to the fire. I'm sorry the way I posted this is the first I have spoken of this with anyone.


so he was in the same room with her when he took the dirty pictures and then he said Ok.... cool see ya later?


if you believe that then I got a bridge for sale. Cheap too.

if you know you would be done if he cheated then time to start packing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Blacklexus, you said you would try to forgive him and gave it a year on the idea that you'd forgive him "if things got better." What exactly did that mean? Did you mean "If you don't betray me again, I'll accept that things are better?" Or did you mean, "You have one year to start doing things my way?" 

I can guarantee you that what you THINK you said, and what he HEARD, were very different messages!

It sounds like you are done with the relationship and you really just want to find a way to leave without accepting any responsibility for your own role in all that has happened. In truth, BOTH of you created the situation. For whatever reason, he uses games and fantasy, and perhaps even other women on occasion. There is a reason he has felt a need to turn to these "escapes." It's possible that you have contributed to that need, and if you have, it's also possible to recover the relationship and turn it into a loving, safe place again. This can only happen if both of you are willing to acknowledge your role in the problems and make changes. 

If one of you isn't willing to do that, and I'm guessing you aren't, then it's all just a waste of time to try. Just go! But you cannot expect other people to not have opinions about your departure. Some will support you. Some will criticize. You'll have to deal with it.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Blacklexus, you said you would try to forgive him and gave it a year on the idea that you'd forgive him "if things got better." What exactly did that mean? Did you mean "If you don't betray me again, I'll accept that things are better?" Or did you mean, "You have one year to start doing things my way?"
> 
> I can guarantee you that what you THINK you said, and what he HEARD, were very different messages!
> 
> ...


I don't get this response based on what I've read from OP. Did the OP delete one of her posts or something?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I don't get this response based on what I've read from OP. Did the OP delete one of her posts or something?


Because of part of the original post that read, "I started moving thing personal things of mine he knows I want to leave but when I do he makes me feel bad like he's the victim & works my kids to make me feel worse."


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