# I cheated on my husband...and Im so sorry



## yellowcamaro94 (Jan 22, 2013)

I dont even know where to begin. I told my husband yesterday (after he told me about an infidelity his cousin was dealing with) that I had cheated on him 4 years ago, just about the time that I had a nervous breakdown. We were not getting along back then and i wasn't getting any attention from him or at least i felt the attention i needed. I had a moment of weakness with a friend that took advantage of my situation. Don't get me wrong, i am totally at fault. And i deserve the pain im in, this agonizing pain in my chest that if i had know it would be this bad, a part of me thinks i would have never told him.
He didn't blow up. He didnt yell at me. He was that devastated. And I've seen his anger. 
Since my emotional break down 4 years ago, I have fallen in love with my husband all over again, keeping that horrible secret to myself. I have never told another living soul, and the person it was with, no longer lives in the same state. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact, i felt so wrong and ashamed after the one time trist that i sent him away forever never to speak to him again.
Here's the thing. My husband wont talk to me about the situation, but he's being civil with me. I had a migraine from crying all day and he went and bought me some motrin. I've begged and pleaded with him not to leave me, that I truly and whole-heartedly love him with everything that I am, but I know that he doubts this. He said he was more hurt by the fact that i've hidden it from him for 4 years, but I told him that was because i was so afraid, but that i couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt that, my love for him was so much that I couldnt keep it from him anymore, and felt that to grow old with this man (which is my ultimate goal)and never tell him would be the ultimate betrayal. HE refuses to talk to me about it, says he needs space. HE said he doesnt know if he's going to leave or stay. 
I've asked him repeatedly what is it i can do to fix this? To keep him at my side? He said he doesnt know if there is anything i can do. Last night I asked him if he wanted me to sleep on the couch and he said no. He did actually come to the bed. During the night I asked if i could lay next to him, and even put my hand on his shoulder and he actually allowed it. But when I asked if I could hold him he said no he wasnt ready for that.WHen i got up this morning, I thought maybe the healing process was starting...
But when I tried to approach him he got angry. Refused to talk. SAid the best thing i could do was give him space, that he didnt know if he was staying or going. I am dying! and i know thats selfish i know he is too, but i havent eaten or had anything to drink in three days because i',m so worried I've destroyed my marriage, the best thing that has ever happened to me, other than the birth of my two children. Here's where i need advice! I dont know what to do! Im beside myself with grief! I love this man so much the heartache is unbearable! 
I so badly want and need attention and the one person I would always go to I betrayed. I'm a disabled stay home mom. I have everything to lose but my kids. I don't know what to do....


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do what he asks. He is understandably hurt. 

Give him space & time. Don't be the one who needs comfort, so don't be asking to be comforted and reassured. Instead, YOU comfort & reassure him when he allows it.

What is the nature of your disability?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have had four years to come to terms in your own mind with what you did. He has NOT. It is like it just happened to him. It DID just happen to him. You have completely blown up his world.

Stop with the ME!! ME!! ME!! This is not about YOU. It's about him. There is NOTHING you can do to fix this. All you can do is let him do what he needs to, and do anything and everything he asks you to, with a smile on your face. Including STD testing, moving out, or kissing the ground he walks on. You can apologize till you're blue in the face, but what he needs is time.

Some BS's are done right from the get go. If he is, then accept it and move on, and hopefully learn from it.

And when he says it's the 4 years of living a lie he can't come to terms with, he is right. You stole 4 years of his life. now that he finally knows the truth, he may not be able to get past it. What you've done is unforgivable. 

Get yourself into some IC and see if you can fix yourself.


----------



## yellowcamaro94 (Jan 22, 2013)

sound advice. I am going to try like hell to do just that. I have a spinal condition with metal implants. Im also suffering from post traumating stress syndrome and manic depressive disorder, due to my mother's kidnapping and murder when i was six years old (so im told by my therapist)


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

He is still numb, he still has buzz in the ears after you dropped the bomb. You can only do whatever he asks you to, be around and wait.

It will get worse soon. Then it can get better. Maybe.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

YC,

You made your husband feel like he failed at the most important things in life, i.e. being a man a father, and a husband. He is dealing with his pain. He is probably wondering what he could have done better and is seriously doubting himself. 

He does need to sort out his feelings. He probably wants to find the other guy and beat the crap out of him. I went through that. The thing is you made a bad mistake. What you can do is learn from it. Try to be the best person you can be and try to get him to fall in love with you again.

I am all for marriage and reconciliation. You first have to be remorseful.

Also, I believe if it is a one time thing, you should have eaten your guilt instead of telling him. You made your pain his pain. He has to carry the load of what you did and now go through his own personal hell. You couldn't stand the guilt so you let your husband go through hell. Hopefully he is stronger than you. Best of luck.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

There is a lot of me and I in your post. You're going to want to change that to him and our. That is how your thinking should be focused.


----------



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Sadly, your physical condition probably leaves him even more conflicted about whether to leave or stay.

Poor dude.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

yellowcamaro94 said:


> HE refuses to talk to me about it, says he needs space. HE said he doesnt know if he's going to leave or stay.
> I've asked him repeatedly what is it i can do to fix this? To keep him at my side? He said he doesnt know if there is anything i can do. Last night I asked him if he wanted me to sleep on the couch and he said no. He did actually come to the bed. During the night I asked if i could lay next to him, and even put my hand on his shoulder and he actually allowed it. But when I asked if I could hold him he said no he wasnt ready for that.WHen i got up this morning, I thought maybe the healing process was starting...
> But when I tried to approach him he got angry. Refused to talk. SAid the best thing i could do was give him space, that he didnt know if he was staying or going.


It is coming. Please, do not badger the guy. My wife's, apparently, never went physical. Still when she would start badgering or asking I became extremely angry and had to walk away. It is silly, but it was my RIGHT to be angry at the deception. She had no right to expect me to hurry, badger or make me mend on HER timetable. Now, if it goes on to long yeah worry. If this is fairly fresh do what he asks.

Don't rush it and when it comes make sure he isn't verbally abusive, but be prepared for the worst. He is hurt, angry and doesn't know how to react. One of the weird things that upset me was giving advice, based on thinking you have a good marriage and suddenly being a hypocrite.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

yellowcamaro94 said:


> I dont even know where to begin. I told my husband yesterday (after he told me about an infidelity his cousin was dealing with) that I had cheated on him 4 years ago, just about the time that I had a nervous breakdown. We were not getting along back then and i wasn't getting any attention from him or at least i felt the attention i needed. I had a moment of weakness with a friend that took advantage of my situation. Don't get me wrong, i am totally at fault. And i deserve the pain im in, this agonizing pain in my chest that if i had know it would be this bad, a part of me thinks i would have never told him.
> He didn't blow up. He didnt yell at me. He was that devastated. And I've seen his anger.
> Since my emotional break down 4 years ago, I have fallen in love with my husband all over again, keeping that horrible secret to myself. I have never told another living soul, and the person it was with, no longer lives in the same state. I want absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact, i felt so wrong and ashamed after the one time trist that i sent him away forever never to speak to him again.
> Here's the thing. My husband wont talk to me about the situation, but he's being civil with me. I had a migraine from crying all day and he went and bought me some motrin. I've begged and pleaded with him not to leave me, that I truly and whole-heartedly love him with everything that I am, but I know that he doubts this. *He said he was more hurt by the fact that i've hidden it from him for 4 years*, but I told him that was because i was so afraid, but that i couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt that, my love for him was so much that I couldnt keep it from him anymore, and felt that to grow old with this man (which is my ultimate goal)and never tell him would be the ultimate betrayal. HE refuses to talk to me about it, says he needs space. HE said he doesnt know if he's going to leave or stay.
> ...


This is why we always tell WS to come clean. The lies are always worse than anything else. He feels the last 4 years that you've fallen in love with him again are all a lie. If you could keep this from him he's wondering what else you haven't told him? You aren't the person he thought he loved. That person is dead. Give him space so that he can decide if he loves the person in front of him now.


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

bfree said:


> This is why we always tell WS to come clean. The lies are always worse than anything else. He feels the last 4 years that you've fallen in love with him again are all a lie. If you could keep this from him he's wondering what else you haven't told him? You aren't the person he thought he loved. That person is dead. Give him space so that he can decide if he loves the person in front of him now.


:iagree:

Exactly. I've responded on a few threads where the question has arisen as to whether 100% disclosure is a good idea, that it's not just a good idea, it's obligatory. The truth _will_ come out eventually; sometimes, as the OP discovered, you're your own worst enemy when it comes to deception. Better to confess when it's fresh, otherwise the entire intervening period is just part of the affair to the BS.


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Camaro, maybe it would be a good idea for you to look in on the reconciliation thread. There are several Ladies there, who are going through the same things you are. WS's who are remorseful and trying hard to rebuild their marriage. EI, Cantsitstill, Mrs. Mathias, Changing me, and others are really nice and can help you a lot with your reconciliation issues.


----------

