# He may be fine with it



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I've been reading for the last year or so here about how men need women to be enthusiastic about sex for it to be a good experience for them. Without a woman's active participation, perhaps even initiation, some will just refuse it at all. She makes or breaks the experience for both of them, it seems.

I never thought that was true in my marriage, but reading here really put a question mark in my mind. Was I just clueless about my husband and his sexual satisfaction? Have I just completely overlooked this over more than two decades? Could I be just as blind in this area as I accuse my husband of being in other areas? 

Self doubt on the subject crept in, settling itself on top of the ever-present layer of general insecurity . . .

So Thursday night I got mad at my husband. I didn't think he was being sufficiently sensitive about a wound from the past. We talked about it yesterday morning and I felt a little better, but even last night I wasn't really over it.

So he got home late last night and we talked a little more . . . and he started putting the moves on me. So I realize where this is headed and I don't really feel like it, but I don't really want to deny him either. I mean, we had not had sex for two days, and I knew he was hungry.

But as my feelings were still hurt from the lack of complete resolution of the aforementioned wound, I was basically just lying there, total starfish. I even _turned my head to the side._ Did not seem to have any impact.

So this morning I'm still upset about the other issue, plus another issue that has come up. Dh, meanwhile, is trying to scoot out the door with the kids to get them to their Saturday morning activities. 

He comes home to get something mid-morning and we talk for a minute. He's got his arms around me and I'm just kind of talking into his chest. I mentioned about how I didn't think it was very good what he did last night. He said he realizes that. And then I say something like That really couldn't have been very good for you, could it?

Silence.

And then, I feel him _laughing._

I look up and pull away, shocked. Then he is outright laughing!

Then I start laughing, too. He was _fine _with last night. I _know_ he was!

So I have come to the conclusion that, despite what I have read here, I am not clueless about my husband. Not every man cares if the woman participates enthusiastically or not. The sensitive, romantic ones do. But brutes like mine, I guess, seem truly fine with just . . . _availability._


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

J,
I'd be surprised if he was ok with that - if it became the norm. 





jld said:


> I've been reading for the last year or so here about how men need women to be enthusiastic about sex for it to be a good experience for them. Without a woman's active participation, perhaps even initiation, some will just refuse it at all. She makes or breaks the experience for both of them, it seems.
> 
> I never thought that was true in my marriage, but reading here really put a question mark in my mind. Was I just clueless about my husband and his sexual satisfaction? Have I just completely overlooked this over more than two decades? Could I be just as blind in this area as I accuse my husband of being in other areas?
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'll ask him.


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## 36Shaolin (Feb 28, 2015)

With the exception of an occasional unreciprocated bj, I don't enjoy sex unless my fiancée is into it and orgasms a lot. I would prefer to rub one out than have her just lay there and let me do her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

36Shaolin said:


> With the exception of an occasional unreciprocated bj, I don't enjoy sex unless my fiancée is into it and orgasms a lot. I would prefer to rub one out than have her just lay there and let me do her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that is how most men here are. But that is not necessarily how all men in the whole world are, you know?

I want women who, like me, are reading here and wondering why their husbands are not like this, to know that normal has a big range. They don't have to doubt themselves and their experience.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hard to believe that this is news to you JLD... I mean it's a big world out there and everyone is different. Too often posters are pigeon holing an entire gender based on thier limited experience which is comical at best.

Some guys, for example, have feet fetishes....doesn't resonate with me I could care less about feet lol. But an enthusiastic partner is a must for me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> So I have come to the conclusion that, despite what I have read here, I am not clueless about my husband. Not every man cares if the woman participates enthusiastically or not. The sensitive, romantic ones do. But brutes like mine, I guess, seem truly fine with just . . . _availability._


This does not happen 100% of the time, or even 50%, with the two of you does it? I am under the impression that it's not like this with you all the time.

I can see where occasional low enthusiasm it not such a big deal.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Big deal for me but not as much for Mrs. Conan. Emotions have to be right and she needs to be into it for my enjoyment. I have been the starfish a couple of times and she not only didn't notice, she actually got off quite well LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

jld said:


> I'll ask him.


Not good enough, you would need to turn it off for a period of time. 

You could try something along the lines of "you've got 3 minutes, get this over with" for a few weeks


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

If all you want is for him to be "fine" with it, then you're on the right track. Personally, I'm DYING for my wife to throw me on the kitchen floor and break the plastic ware and candle wax. Try it once! Rock his damn world and see what happens.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> This does not happen 100% of the time, or even 50%, with the two of you does it? I am under the impression that it's not like this with you all the time.
> 
> I can see where occasional low enthusiasm it not such a big deal.


No, it's not typical. But anytime it has happened, I have never noticed a negative reaction from him. 

He told me he was selfish last night. He thought it was funny that I was the one who seemed to be feeling guilty this morning. 

He said that MEM was right that it would not be okay for this to happen regularly. He said if it were ongoing, he would know that it would be on him to inspire my enthusiasm, lest resentment build in me for feeling used.

We spent the afternoon together. He had some errands to run and he asked me to come along. We talked and I am feeling closer. I just cannot get into it physically if emotionally I do not feel connected. And when my concerns are not being adequately addressed, I do not feel connected.

He said sex is 70% physical, 30% emotional for him. He said while it's better when I am into it, he can't see himself turning it down if I were not.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your reaction sounds normal for a person who needs more of an emotional connection to enjoy sex. It sounds like you accept your husband's feelings about sex. I would imagine he reciprocates and understands yours. If not, put it to him that way. 

IMO, you should not have have sex when you are a starfish. Instead, use the time to resolve the issue. It's much more efficient. After a talk, you may have been ready to go in an hr or the next day. This does not happen frequently, right? So you are allowed some attention to your feelings as much as your husband. 

The problem of resentment is far more troublesome than a day or even 3 without sex while you work yourself out of starfish mode. It starts insidiously. Would discussing that with your husband help him to understand?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Your reaction sounds normal for a person who needs more of an emotional connection to enjoy sex. It sounds like you accept your husband's feelings about sex. I would imagine he reciprocates and understands yours. If not, put it to him that way.
> 
> IMO, you should not have have sex when you are a starfish. Instead, use the time to resolve the issue. It's much more efficient. After a talk, you may have been ready to go in an hr or the next day. This does not happen frequently, right? So you are allowed some attention to your feelings as much as your husband.
> 
> The problem of resentment is far more troublesome than a day or even 3 without sex while you work yourself out of starfish mode. It starts insidiously. Would discussing that with your husband help him to understand?


Thanks, Catherine. We spent quite a bit of time together today and talked about my concerns. He is going to approach some things differently in the future. 

I thought about just refusing last night, but I knew I would feel guilty. And there wasn't really much time to talk because it was late and I was tired. I was just hoping he would be sensitive and refrain. 

At any rate, we had some interesting talks today, and I feel much closer to him. I love Dug so much. It hurts when we are not in harmony.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Maybe off the subject, but has he tried to address the issue of the past? Has he tried to make amends? If so please forgive him and actively try to let it go. Now back to the issue at hand, myself I would just as soon go without than have her just lay there. I go without a lot lately. Damn menopause!


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

MEM is right. We like to joke as men - why do women fakes orgasms? Dumb man answer: Because they think we care. It's a lie, the good men do. Sometimes too much.

Cheers,
V(13)



MEM11363 said:


> J,
> I'd be surprised if he was ok with that - if it became the norm.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I am dangerously close to breaking the bro code here.

Chapter 3 page 56 paragraph 2a clearly states "You will not bust a brother out when he is put in a no win situation by his sexual partner's emotional needs and expectations"



jld said:


> He said sex is 70% physical, 30% emotional for him. He said while it's better when I am into it, he can't see himself turning it down if I were not.


70 + 30 =100%

These numbers do not add up. There is something missing that has been confounded within the two categories.
I would say the most important thing for a man.

Personally I cant have a happy ending without it.


I prefer it fresh, but in a pinch the reconstituted will work. (Metaphorically speaking)

Honestly jdl by the way you describe your husbands, his attention and care for you, he sounds like a Gem.

I would look no further, the worms don't stink until you open the can, thereafter very little can compare to their smell. 

.
.


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