# Affection Hogs?



## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Anyone feel like they can never get enough affection from your spouse? I am constantly wanting his love and affection. I can never get enough. If we are wrapped up on the couch together and it's just us enjoying each other I am completely happy. If he has stuff to do and I go over to steal a kiss or hug and I can tell he isn't quite into it because he is distracted by something else...it makes me sad. 

Why am I always starving for love? He says it isn't bad that I feel that way for him but if I get upset to not get the affection when I want it b/c something else is going on then it's bad.  He says he feels the same way for me too...but he doesn't dwell over it when he can't have it. But he hardly ever seeks me out for affection. I am always pining over him. 

does anyone else feel like this??? :scratchhead:


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I think men generally find it harder to show there affection, it doesnt mean your husband doesn't feel affection for you maybe he just doesn't know how to.
When he holds you tell him how much it means to you and how it makes you feel.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

I do tell him everytime...and he does know how to show me...cause he does sometimes. When he touches me I melt....I tell him...so you would think he would do it more often. But he is too busy all the time to just give me more and more and more. He says its never enough for me.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Does he seem distant or anything? Change of jobs, some existing issues that maybe have not been cleared up in the past? I am a newbie, can you tell?


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

It's fine. Nothing has changed except he is more used to being around me and the newness isn't there. We have been back together 2 years now. We are married so I am always here...so he doesn't get to miss me anymore i guess.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ya i used to feel this way, too. i still do but i dont get upset anymore about it. 

what are your hobbies? what else do you do that you enjoy?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

java-
You have to tell your husband: Pay attention, this is really important to me. I need hugs. After the 5th or 6th time it will sink in. Hugs release a hormone called oxytocin. See: Oxytocin improves "mind-reading" in humans. [Biol Psychiatry. 2007] - PubMed Result
and
Monitor on Psychology - The two faces of oxytocin


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

ljtseng said:


> Ya i used to feel this way, too. i still do but i dont get upset anymore about it.
> 
> what are your hobbies? what else do you do that you enjoy?


Hobbies....not sure...not enough I guess....I am a student...that should keep me busy enough but doesn't. 

How did you get past not being upset about it anymore?


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> java-
> You have to tell your husband: Pay attention, this is really important to me. I need hugs. After the 5th or 6th time it will sink in. Hugs release a hormone called oxytocin. See: Oxytocin improves "mind-reading" in humans. [Biol Psychiatry. 2007] - PubMed Result
> and
> Monitor on Psychology - The two faces of oxytocin


MT thanks for the info....I think I will start saying "this is important to me" when I really need it and hopefully he will see how much it means to me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

java said:


> MT thanks for the info....I think I will start saying "this is important to me" when I really need it and hopefully he will see how much it means to me.


Just from my personal experience, dont count on this helping much. what will end up happening is he still wont do it, or he'll only respond once or twice, and you will really feel hurt because you'll feel he's blatantly ignoring your needs. 

Talking does so very, very little in the way of communication. Its what you are doing the other 90% of the time that will really communicate with him. If you start to feel good and confident about yourself, if you are able to take care of your own emotional needs, he will start to notice. Exercise, eat right, find something you are passionate about (other then him), and you bet he'll start to notice. 

Then, when he does respond with what you need, you will appreciate it as a gift, not as a need. Because you will already feel good about yourself, his affection will become icing on the cake.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Hi,

I'm a guy and I feel the same as Java. :-(


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

Things have been better the last few days....he is attentive and loving and I am not trying to crawl up his [email protected]@. We got a new puppy so I have been able to re-focus away from needing him so much. I hope this lasts. But I suspect when the hormones start kicking in I will be upset again. 

PC, I like that you are like me.....sorry you have the same pain but you make me feel normal.  Thanks.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

I wish my wife was like you. I am a husband in that position. 
It makes me feel worhtless when my wife is not affectionate.

Im in a different position, Im expected to be a man about it and just do without. 

She will take, but not give, it is starting to make me resent the things I do for her, but I will never stop. I love her too much to stop.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

cone said:


> I wish my wife was like you. I am a husband in that position.
> It makes me feel worhtless when my wife is not affectionate.
> 
> Im in a different position, Im expected to be a man about it and just do without.
> ...


Thank you for saying that you wish she were more like me. That makes me feel good even tho I know you don't know me. 

I need the love and affection to survive....I can't do without. My husband needs it too...but it doesn't upset him if he doesnt get it. I don't ever see where he is dying for me. I am always dying for him. Always....never can get enough. Some guys would call me high maintenance and needy. I don't care. I love to be loved. He once put me up on a pedastool with his love and affection and set the bar. Now I always want it like that. He is affectionate and loving...but I want that all the time.


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## cone (Aug 6, 2008)

java said:


> Thank you for saying that you wish she were more like me. That makes me feel good even tho I know you don't know me.
> 
> I need the love and affection to survive....I can't do without. My husband needs it too...but it doesn't upset him if he doesn't get it. I don't ever see where he is dying for me. I am always dying for him. Always....never can get enough. Some guys would call me high maintenance and needy. I don't care. I love to be loved. He once put me up on a pedastool with his love and affection and set the bar. Now I always want it like that. He is affectionate and loving...but I want that all the time.


I am exactly the same way so I see no problem in being that way, especially when I got that in the beginning and apparently so did you. So it is ok to wonder why it is not there now. I find myself trying to analyze and make sense of it, does it means she feels differently now? etc. etc. 

It is all about love languages, my primary is touch, she said and acted like that was hers also, now... she would love for me to rub her back caress her all day, but for me to get that back from her now? no way. Really hurts. 

Its funny how people can read the book(The Five Love Languages) and understand the love languages and view it as some wonderful revelation in life, then completely forget everything when they need to work at it. I now realize hers is acts of service, so I have been doing as much of that as possible for her .... still, nothing. 

I'm sorry you seem to be in the same boat.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

Java, Just wait until your hubby tells you that you pay more attention to the dog instead of him.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I think we need affection when we are feeling lonely - that's when we don't get it and feel bad. 

When we are just happy/perky affectionate, it's no big deal... we'll hug hubby, the kids, the puppy - and its all good.

but when we feel distant or needy (we are not getting something we need) we feel bad when they aren't affectionate. 

For me, sex is a HUGE thing so when i wasn't getting enough sex, it felt like i wasn't getting enough affection too. I also have a big need for conversation - when i wasn't all snuggled up in his arms talking about us, i would feel lonely and depressed.

Get enough sex and conversation? my need for affection isn't as acute. Anybody else notice this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

T-Dub said:


> Java, Just wait until your hubby tells you that you pay more attention to the dog instead of him.


:lol: that's what happened with my H and I. he's jealous of the dog b/c i would give her more attention.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

T-Dub said:


> Java, Just wait until your hubby tells you that you pay more attention to the dog instead of him.


Funny. We just got a new puppy and it's a daddy's girl. I have been telling him he plays with her more than me...pets her more than he touches me. I am half kidding but it's true. His response: She's a baby. 

What am I? Of course I give her as much love as he does. It's impossible not too. 

But I still want mine.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

snix11 said:


> I think we need affection when we are feeling lonely - that's when we don't get it and feel bad.
> 
> When we are just happy/perky affectionate, it's no big deal... we'll hug hubby, the kids, the puppy - and its all good.
> 
> ...


I LOVE being wrapped up in his arms...snuggling...getting kisses and affection. Just us time. We do it sometimes, when we can..but I know that kind of time is not always possible. I come up to him on the pc and wrap my arms around him. I am constantly kissing him no matter what he is doing. I feel like he should want to spend 5 minutes with me when I get home in the evening from work...if he is busy doing other things around the house,yes, they have to get done...but time is a curse. He says these things have to get done and then I am sacrificed and left to feel like he doesn't want me. Before we were married and it's only been 1 1/2 years...he couldn't keep his hands off me...now he says he has me all the time so that desperation isn't there but he still wants me. 

To me it feels like he doesn't love me the same way anymore.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

cone said:


> I am exactly the same way so I see no problem in being that way, especially when I got that in the beginning and apparently so did you. So it is ok to wonder why it is not there now. I find myself trying to analyze and make sense of it, does it means she feels differently now? etc. etc.
> 
> It is all about love languages, my primary is touch, she said and acted like that was hers also, now... she would love for me to rub her back caress her all day, but for me to get that back from her now? no way. Really hurts.
> 
> ...


Cone, isn't it odd that we are the same and with people that we feel like this about? I have never read the book. Funny thing is the books we should be reading, he should read, not me. He isn't a reader so that won't happen. 

I tell him all the time I wish he could live inside my body for a week and feel what he makes me feel sometimes. I don't think he will ever feel that way from me.


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