# Please help me, dont judge me



## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

I am 45 with a teenage daughter. My husband is good but has no time or interest in me. I tried all ways to get him interested in me, but he is keen only in earning more money. He is not bad but a very very boring man. But he is a great dad.

I even begged my hubby to divorce me but he says he loves me and I can do whatever I want to with my life but not leave him. 

So, I met this guy six years ago who is married too but separated from his wife of 14 years. He and his wife live in the same city, have a son too. His wife walked out of the matrimonial house when the boy was 5 and has been living with her parents. In spite of his repeated requests, she never returned. But they keep meeting once in 2-3 months and message when some need is there. But he is banned from meeting his son. She wants him to move out of his house n live with her and her parents, but he has an ailing old mom so can’t move out of his house. He used to cry for his son, but she never let him see the boy for the past two years.

I got into an affair with this man that lasted for six years. He kept saying that he does not love her but wants her in his life for his son. Secretly behind my back he was messaging her and begging her to return home though he said he loved me only. So I continued this affair without much guilt as they both never had any physical or emotional relationship after she moved out.

Suddenly his wife found all the emails and pics we shared over the period of 6 years and became crazy. She threatened him with a divorce. I was surprised because they hardly met after she left and both haven’t seen each other in the past two years. However, she felt that he has been two-timing her as he was still married to her and still asking her to return home for the past eight years.I know that for sure because I went to this guys house as a friend many times and met with his mom who used to cry that DIL left the house.

Unfortunately, when the things came out , the guy panicked and dumped me saying that all has to end and that he was worried that she would open up everything and forward those emails n pics to his friends and relatives. So he begged me to ‘keep a low profile’ for one year and not contact me at all. When I asked him if his marriage meant this much to him then why he had to two timed me as well! I asked him why he did not leave me and worked on his marriage? I lost six years of my life and never made any effort to gain my hubby’s love in these six years.

In these five years of our affair, I, almost daily, would ask him if he had any plans of getting back together with his wife and he ALWAYS denied and even used to get mad at me for repeatedly asking the same question.

I did not break their home; it was already broken even before I entered his life. His wife asked him for a divorice many times before but he never gave as he feared that he would lose access to his son forever.
Now his wife is accusing him of WhatsApp by sending messages, and I have no clue what he is responding. But he said he did not confess to her yet and would so ‘sometime later when things cool down.’ I did so much for him including cleaning his office, cooking for him, cooking for his mom, buying gifts on his behalf to his mom, buying expensive stuff for him( he had no money), ironing his clothes, getting his office things repaired for him, so on and on and on. There is nothing I didn’t do it for him though he was very rude to me many times.

Now he is just sends me SMS twice a week asking how I am. Thats it. When I asked about his status with his wife, he said she is still mad at him but did nothing about divorce but may do anytime/may not too.

When I asked him if he wants to give his marriage a second chance and when I asked him ihe says ‘ i don’t know’! He is not meeting his wife as he is very scared but says he would meet when things cooled down and when her anger reduces. The wife did threaten to divorce but did not go ahead. She wants him to confess to him that he did have this affair but the man is still not doing it. They both didnot even meet or try to reconcile yet. But he is very scared and asked me not to talk to him . I I’m not able to recover from this terrible shock; I don’t want to go to any counselor.

I am trying to move on..but when he called on Friday to tell that he missed me, I got very emotional again. His conversation was very confusing. He said his wife's parents are not keeping well and are very angry and she is crying. And he is worried about his son. I dont know why he wants to tell me all this and what he excepts me to answer? Is he seeking my permission? or is thia a decent way to say 'im dumping you'? Then he says 'will you send a picture of yours, I want to see'. 'Will you come with me to watch tennis match in January'...I am thoroughly confused. First I thought he called me to say that he is leaving me as now he cared about his family. later into the conversation, he asks me to send pics, saying he missed me a lot, about the match etc. He also said he cant move in with her into her parents house leaving alone is old mom. And wife would never come back. They have not actually met to reconcile too. Its been 3 weeks now. But he wont give divorce. But she threatens him to tell everything to his old mom. Im so confused with all this. They should either reconcile and give their marriage a shot or should divorce. When they cant even live in the same house how will things change? Neither of them is ready to leave their parents' house. 

And yes, I did ask him many times why he was not taking any legal action to get visitation rights to his son. He said that would make his wife mad if he takes any legal action and so he has to wait patiently till she changes her mind some day. So, He waited for 8 years. He is very scared of divorce. 

Im not able to move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You made it very easy for him to take advantage of you. Look at all you did for him. Why?

Could you list all the things that he did for you? I'd like to see that to see the level of imbalance the relationship.

He keeps calling you because he likes having two women who do things for him. What a good deal for him!

He does not divorce his wife because he does not want to divorce her. There could be many reasons why. 

He might not be telling you the truth about how often he sees her. Are you with him all the time, every day, every night? If not, then he could be seeing her.

Why does he call you? To make himself feel good. It's not for you. 

If a man's words do not match his actions, then believe his actions. Words are often a smoke screen. But he is doing what he wants to do. He's married. He wants to be married. He does not want you in his life because he broke up with you.

The only way you are going to get over him is for you to stop communicating him. Look at the link in my signature block below for the "180". That's how you need to be interacting with him. You need to cut all communication with him.

Does your husband know about your affair? What's going on with that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, you really need to change your user name. You should not be using your email address here as your user name. Let me know what name you want to use and I'll change it for you.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

I am trying to move on..but when he called on Friday to tell that he missed me, I got very emotional again. His conversation was very confusing. He said his wife's parents are not keeping well and are very angry and she is crying. And he is worried about his son. I dont know why he wants to tell me all this and what he excepts me to answer? Is he seeking my permission? or is thia a decent way to say 'im dumping you'? Then he says 'will you send a picture of yours, I want to see'. 'Will you come with me to watch tennis match in January'...I am thoroughly confused. First I thought he called me to say that he is leaving me as now he cared about his family. later into the conversation, he asks me to send pics, saying he missed me a lot, about the match etc. He also said he cant move in with her into her parents house leaving alone is old mom. And wife would never come back. They have not actually met to reconcile too. Its been 3 weeks now. But he wont give divorce. But she threatens him to tell everything to his old mom. Im so confused with all this. They should either reconcile and give their marriage a shot or should divorce. When they cant even live in the same house how will things change? Neither of them is ready to leave their parents' house. 

And yes, I did ask him many times why he was not taking any legal action to get visitation rights to his son. He said that would make his wife mad if he takes any legal action and so he has to wait patiently till she changes her mind some day. So, He waited for 8 years. He is very scared of divorce.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

My name is Kalpana


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

both he AND you are cake eating here. You BOTH need to be divorced but neither seem to have the guts to pull the trigger. For him, so what if his "wife" gets mad at him for divorcing -- he will get partial custody of his child and HE MUST know this, so something else is going on. For YOU, why did YOU take the path of cheating and NOT divorcing your husband. He may be a great father, but his is an awful husband. THAT however does not excuse you cheating.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You made it very easy for him to take advantage of you. Look at all you did for him. Why?
> 
> Could you list all the things that he did for you? I'd like to see that to see the level of imbalance the relationship.
> 
> ...




No, he was not meeting her. I read his wife's chats to check if he is telling me a lie. He didnt. He always told me when he when to meet her and last time they met was 2 years ago. She even banned him from meeting his son. But they both message when they need something from each other regarding family issues, bank etc., I even met his mother many times in between , who stays with him, and she cried before me saying how her DIL left home with kid 8 years ago and never came back except when her hubby( his father) died. She never even interacted with the kid. So he didnot lie to me.
But now he says she is forcing him to confess to cheating her but he is hiding most of it and saying that it is a one year affair and its all over now. I dont know if she trusts him. He says he cant take divorce as he fears his family repute. They did not even meet after the affair came out as he is scared of her reaction and her family's reaction.
All this he told me, I dont know why.
Daily he sends an SMS asking how Im doing. I say am OK and then he stops.
He says we have to 'wait and watch' whats going to happen in future because he cant guess his wife's reactions.
Im so confused why he is even asking me to join me to his Australia Trip in 2019. Is he testing me to see if I moved on?
And whenever he calls, its all about how much his wife is crying and what all she can do to ruin his name by disclosing everything among the relatives.
So, is he calling me to tell all this so disconnect forever? Then why tell me? Cant he just leave? Why ask for my pictures? Why daily ask me if I am OK?
I have no strength to block him on my phone. 
Yes, My husband knows about all this and I started this only when he refused to give me a divorce and was OK with an affair. In fact I update everything on a daily basis to him. Many times I wished he just divorces me but never does. He says he loves me and will wait till im done with all these adventures and come back to him.
But I dont think I can ever forget my AP and Im smly unable to move on.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

I Know I have no excuses for what I did. I had some issues way back in 2012 with my husband that erased my total trust in him. I lost faith in marriage/trust. No, he didnt have any affair, he was a great husband too. He is the best dad I have even seen, a great son. A great human being. But he DID SOMETHING EXTREMELY hurting for which I can never forgive him. So I asked him to divorce me. He refused. I begged him for one year to accept and we divorce mutual consent. But he refused saying that he cant live without me and my kid. He is OK to live in a loveless marriage and simply wants a home for his kid. I couldnt do anything on my own because there are no grounds on whcih I can seek divorce from this perfect man. I cant disclose to ANYONE what he did to me that broke my trust. That will go to the grave with me. I never disclosed to anyone too as I still care for him. But I dont love him. I cant ever love him the way I did in the initial days. He broke my trust completely.

The affair with this guy was not planned. But when I started getting close to him, I told my husband immedaitely. I told him that I cant hurt him and if he doesnt divorce me, then Im going to have an affair. He said 'Go ahead, Punish me for whatever I did and I will wait for you'. So I felt no guilt at any stage.
I really fell in love with this AP, I did so much to him that I never did to my own husband. I thought both of us can fill the void in our lives, that we can trust each other. I cleaned his office, cooked for him, took care of him when he was in hospital, paid his bills, gifted him expensive gifts, made friendship with his lonely mom, I DID EVERYTHING A WIFE WOULD DO FOR A HUSBAND. EVEN MORE!
He did nothing but he was loving and caring. He had no money. I had worked very hard for 18 years before I quit my job so saved a lot. I would spend so much on him. More than money, I spent all my energy, time to make him happy. All the time. 
I thought we would be close friends even when I leave the city and go away. THis will last forever, this friendship at aleast.
But in spite of all I did, he is not standing up with me in the time of crisis. I know his own life is a mess now, so I stpped questions and stopped intereacting with him. But I miss him so so much. 
When I read all your comments saying he is just using me, Im not able to believe it.
So there was no love at all from his side? Can he simply go back to his wife who left him 8 years ago and ill-treated him because the affair is now open?
Just disconnect from me ? How can someone do that?
How can he live happily with her from now?
Im so broken. I dont even have a desire to live.


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

Just end up all the contacts with that person. It is clear that he doesn't want to leave his wife and son. So, just leave thinking about him and focus to make your relationship romantic with your husband.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

She left him many years ago when they walked out of his home and never returned. 
She left him because he was an irresponsible husband. Though he is not a wife-beater /alcoholic, he was a happy-go-lucky man, with little earnings and no responsibility. She, on the other hand, is in a senior position in an MNC. She wanted a separate home for themselves but he wanted to stay in a joint family. So, she left him in 2010 ( after 5 years of marriage) assuming him to return to her in a few months.
But he never did till she threatened him for a divorce in 2014. He tried to live with her parents but it did not workout so he returned to his home. Now he stays with his ailing mom alone. So he begged her to return home but she never did and even stopped meeting him for the last 2 years. He used to daily cry with me for his son. He begged her to at least let him meet his son but she refused. I saw their chat exchanges. But she and he would exchange message which were need based.
Now, after this affair is out, I really don't know how they would reconcile ! Because they dont even stay together .
And how can he hide the details of the affair when she read all our mails/saw pics.
now his main worry is his wife's threat to file for divorce and her threats to disclose everything to his very old mom. His mom cant take it and he is worried about it. He is also worried that his son would hate him for all this.
But what I dont understand is why is he telling me all this? What does he expect me to do? I told him to come clean about the affair completely with his wife and stop contacting me.
He said he wants to wait and watch. I dont know what it exactly means.
May be he still wants to work everything out with his wife. Though i dont see how a marriage which was dead 8 years ago can suddenly work after the affair that too when both of them are staying apart. My marriage never did though we stay for 22 years under the same roof.
May be Im wrong and may be he loved is wife a lot. Im so upset, I stopped interacting with anyone.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

I think your first action should be to block all communication with your affair partner. It appears you have a really unhealthy attachment to him. When you say you don’t have the strength to that’s a red flag for yourself that he’s not good for you. Take it one day, one hour at a time and reward yourself for not talking to him.

A distant second would be to decide how to move forward in your marriage. To either focus on it and try to repair or to leave. But you can’t have both the AP and your husband relationships going at the same time. The affair has to totally end first.

From my perspective it seems like your AP is feeding his ego. What does he really offer? What value does he add to your life?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think he led you on for 6 years, had his cake and ate it, you were just something on the side and he is not willing to blow up his family for you. The faster u move on the better. You should expose him to his wife and divorce your husband for putting up with this. 
You should not have cheater in your marriage. You cheat with another cheater these are the consequences. Do the right thing, divorce your H then find someone else. 
You are messing up your own life and another family with this affair, it will not end well.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

"She left him many years ago when they walked out of his home and never returned. 
She left him because he was an irresponsible husband. Though he is not a wife-beater /alcoholic, he was a happy-go-lucky man, with little earnings and no responsibility. She, on the other hand, is in a senior position in an MNC. "

The OM is not a irresponsible person per say...He was a victim originally to her lack of respect. She is a high value driver, and he is not. She abandoned the marriage. Plain and simple. Then uses the kid as a weapon is despicable. 


But as the saying goes, 2 wrongs do not make a right....Instead of just divorcing and moving on, he keeps playing into her games and it destroys the people around him. His kid included! Ultimately, your BF needs to cowboy up and grow a pair. He is letting his WW walk all over him. Then she gets mad when he finds a "new" partner. Mind is blown here!

Now, on to you! YOU are living in the same respect as your BF's family dynamic, only in reverse. Your MIA husband views you as a keepsake left on the mantle and not the partner you want to be. THAT needs to change. By keeping on in this storyline, you have removed your self worth and lack of moral clarity, as you would treat furniture or anything other than a human being and lovable partner for life. You cannot expect to fix your issues if you keep creating NEW ones without getting rid of the old garbage to begin with!

1. Spend sometime ALONE, without OM and H. Find out what you need vs. what you want. Define actual and true love to yourself.
2. Engage you hubby with time spent TALKING. You need to put your foot down and acknowledge your existence as a person with mind, body, and spirit.
3. Maybe look into IC, and see why you let yourself get into these obviously detrimental relationships that do absolutely NOTHING for you. Really, they don't.
4. Find out what makes you happy. What hobbies have you put off, or have never attempted. Have you wanted to travel? See what I'm doing here?

In the end, ONLY you can change and grow into something better. And you DO know that having extramarital affairs and incomplete marriages is life sucking and time wasting. You need to end it now. And you need to work on truly making yourself happy again.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

You played your H for years, your AP played you and you question the confusion? How about telling the truth and dealing with the dire consequences as an adult. BTW, welcome to real world.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What kind of help are you looking for?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What kind of help are you looking for?


She is looking to borrow a magic wand.

My otherworldly friends will never part with theirs. 
I too have asked, selfish they are.


For OP?
All we can do is offer sympathy, and guidance. 


We see the light.

Some people bumble through life with their eyes closed.
Some people bumble through life with their eyes open.

Eyes may see.......but the brain needs to 'properly' process what it sees, what it hears.

She needs to concentrate, not get flustered.

She needs to get divorced and go from there, not interact with the other man until he too divorces.

..................................................................

Me?

Divorce and start fresh, as in brand new, no old baggage to haul around. 

Old loves would remain old, would be gone.



Lilith-


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That is not a situation you need to be in the middle of. Block him and move on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, I tried, but I just can’t help it.

I’m judging.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Not quite sure what you are asking but it sounds like he tried to end things with you and you made up your mind that you were going to leave him alone....then he calls and you find yourself back into it with him.

First, being the other woman is just that. You are the side-piece. So when he needs you, he calls. I don't care how long it has gone on. He didn't (or may never) leave his wife and family for you or by now he would have. You are the one who meets his needs on his terms. So it is up to you to decide if you want to continue to live that kind of life or cut your ties and get a real relationship. Yes it is easy to get caught up in your feelings with someone you clicked with. But you also have to accept the bad too. You are the side piece, not the main dish. He is using you to balance out his main life. When things get rough he comes to you. When things aren't fulfilling with his wife and family, he comes to you. When he wants more, he comes to you. But then when things are all balanced out again...well you see where you stand. Again...if that's what you choose to do, I'm not judging, I'm just saying you have to decide. it's not going to change.

Your only decision is, will you keep picking up the phone and doing your duties whenever he wants or will you choose to stop and look for a real relationship or be by yourself. The only reason he keeps coming back is because you keep responding. Everytime you pick up the phone you are telling him you are still in the game. The day you stop picking up the phone and block him is the day he gets the message. But again, it's only if YOU want it that way.

Good luck.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

kalpana said:


> And yes, I did ask him many times why he was not taking any legal action to get visitation rights to his son. He said that would make his wife mad if he takes any legal action and so he has to wait patiently till she changes her mind some day. So, He waited for 8 years. He is very scared of divorce.


He may have good reason to be. He may have good reason to wait. But, unless he IS divorced, he is not "available" for you, or any other woman, other than his wife.

He may recognize that he cannot "win", either custodially, nor financially, so he wants to "cake-eat". His actions toward his wife are "damage control".


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"To tell the truth is to bring the most habitable reality into Being. Truth builds edifices that can stand a thousand years. Truth feeds and clothes the poor, and makes nations wealthy and safe. Truth reduces the terrible complexity of a man to the simplicity of his word, so that he can become a partner rather than an enemy. Truth makes the past truly past, and makes the best use of the future's possibilities. Truth is the ultimate, inexhaustible natural resource. It's the light in the darkness. 

See the truth. Tell the truth.” - Jordan B Perterson


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

op, you might want to change your screen name to one that isn't your email. I haven't read your thread yet, just wanted to tell you about your email.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I don't really know where to start. 

I guess you live in a country that you have to have valid ground to divorce, so I guess that means middle east. I guess. 

Your affair as you know is wrong. However, if your H basically gave you permission then I guess you hands are cleaner? Hard to say. 

Is there no way to divorce your husband? 

As to the OM. Good grief girl, I hope the guy is good in bed at least because as a man, he is a complete and total LOSER as a man. 

What is wrong with you? Why could you not just find a decent guy to screw and pal around with? 

Do you yet have any idea how big a creep your lover actually is? He is a complete user, a loser, a bum, he is a liar, and he is scared of his with because she has all the money. 

He is not half the man your H is, no matter what he did. 

But good grief, if you are going to screw around, find a guy better than this one. This is insane...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hard to help without knowing what your husband did to break your trust.

And your affair shows your not really trustworthy yourself!

Pot calling the kettle black.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The guy lied to you about his wife. It's the only thing that makes sense. They all say it is over, they say this because being honest and saying, I want my wife and you to have some sex on the side would never fly. No women worth having would go for that deal. Hence, we have been broken up for many years, we never have sex. This is what they all say, then they go running back to their wives once they are caught. He is probably telling her it was only about sex when it comes to you. Your boyfriend is garbage, the sooner you see that the better off you will be, not that you are a victim in this. 

Isn't it time you had the courage to the moral thing to do and divorce your husband and then get your head on straight. You are with a cheater who lies about his wife because being a married women that is the only kind of guy that would want you. If you had divorced your husband 6 years ago you could have met a man of character and had a good life. As it stands now you have done damage to your chances as no good man is going to want a women who had a 5 year affair with a married man no matter what kind of marriage you had.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

So do I have this right.... Two lying cheaters are now sad because of their own actions as lying cheaters? Good.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

This is one of the things I will NEVER understand about WWs......and it is something one sees constantly on other sites that have a separate WS/AP section.

Why in the [email protected] do women believe that a scumbag POSOM actually loves them and is willing to leave his family for them?

And even more importantly.....why would they ever even want such a useless, gutless, despicable dirtbag anyway.....a man with the morals of a pig who cheats on his own BW and has no problem chasing another man’s spouse?

I would bet almost any amount of money if one could travel back in time to talk with the teenage versions of these WWs and ask them if they would ever want such a man as their future spouse, they would be HORRIFIED at the prospect.....

So why do they pine for them now?

What has happened to them that they now actively seek and lust for the absolute WORST men possible.....trash so disgusting that any sane woman would run the other way?

OP.....wake up.

Leave this POS immediately and forever.......there is no way the younger version of yourself could have ever wanted to end up with a dirtbag like this for a future H.

See this turd for what he truly is......and leave.

Then get to work on figuring out why you lowered yourself to be as disgusting as OM is in your own M.....

Confess to your BH what you have done for over half a decade with this POS and then work to end your M as amicably as possible....it is quite obvious you cannot love him and are just using your BH at this point for finances, stability, and lifestyle.

Set your BH free so he can go find a W who truly deserves that support and care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kalpana said:


> My name is Kalpana


I was not asking for your real name. I as aksing for some other user name that you would like to use here. It's a very bad idea to use your email address as a user name. 

So again, what user name would you like to use... not your real name and not your email address.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merged your two threads into this one. You will be better input if you stick to one thread.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I merged your two threads into this one. You will be better input if you stick to one thread.


Go to sleep Elegirl. It is Four Am in the East of Eden.

What? Two AM in NM?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kalpana is an Indian name.

Means "imagining, fantasy" in Sanskrit.

A right appropriate name, Methinks!


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I was not asking for your real name. I as aksing for some other user name that you would like to use here. It's a very bad idea to use your email address as a user name.
> 
> So again, what user name would you like to use... not your real name and not your email address.


you can use the name 'kalpana' as the username


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You know, it's kind of amazing how Mr. Wonderful's wife was able to:



 walk off and leave him
take their kid *with* her
AND is also powerful enough to be able to keep Father of the Year away from the kid he claims to love so much for the last *2 years*
Yet, you act as though you're a prisoner in your husband's house 'because he won't divorce you.'

I don't know which Hell-hole country you live in where goats have more rights than the women-folk, but apparently you're not the prisoner you try to make yourself out to be or Don Juan's wife would have been stoned to death in the public square for having left him and taking their kid with her. You don't want to be married? Then leave. Just like she did. 

Secondly, if you DO leave, don't waste your time on that lying sack of camel-****. You've already wasted too many years on that worthless lying degenerate.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

No sympathy from me. 

You are a married woman having and affair with a married man and "boo-hoo" it isn't working out?

You want to be honorable? Divorce your husband THEN go have sex with other people. 

You want to be even more honorable? Don't ever get in a romantic/sexual relationship with ANYONE THAT IS MARRIED. 

Who cares that their marriage wasn't a good one. WERE THEY DIVORCED? Nope. WERE THEY STILL MARRIED? Yep. WERE YOU STILL MARRIED? Yep. 

You have NO HONOR. 

I couldn't care less your affair and betrayal of each of your spouses isn't making you happy.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You know, it's kind of amazing how Mr. Wonderful's wife was able to:
> 
> 
> walk off and leave him
> ...


I just have to say it, I love you more with every post...


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

I live in a not-so-backward country.
Divorce laws are strict but not like the ones in the middle-east
I can still get a mutual consent divorce from my husband without giving the details of the cause.
But then it has to be by 'mutual consent'. Any other way seeking divorce from him would be really tedious and puts him into a lot of stress for no fault of his.
He is NOT ready to leave me. In that case, I would have to go through an ugly divorce process which would leave both of us bitter.
I would not want to hurt him.
That is the reason why I was open about my affair with him from day 1.
I know all this sounds very complicated and everyone here can judge me as they want. 
I was prepared to hear all honest opinions/ brutal judgement from you because you are all strangers to me and your opinions would be truly unbiased.

BTW, my AP called me an hour back and said he stopped calling often so that I get 'de-addicted' to his calls/visits.
Funny because I stopped calling him 10 days ago and Im not even responding to his SMSes.
Im still taking his phone calls but stopped begging him to come back.
Im not sure if Im doing my 100% to move on but Im surely trying to go away from this man, who labelled me as a home-breaker while telling for 5 years that his marriage was as broken as mine.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

kalpana said:


> I live in a not-so-backward country.
> Divorce laws are strict but not like the ones in the middle-east
> I can still get a mutual consent divorce from my husband without giving the details of the cause.
> But then it has to be by 'mutual consent'. Any other way seeking divorce from him would be really tedious and puts him into a lot of stress for no fault of his.
> ...


Either way, your husband deserves a lot better than how your treating him. Anybody does

What a sad sad story

Thought about blocking his number? Get yourself some help, you need a lot of it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's start with the very basics - Cheaters lie about everything. Everything. 

The reality here is you know nothing about him or the real realities of his life or of his relationship with his wife and son or even about his relationship with you...…. because everything is all built on lies. 

You think you know. You may even be sure you know. But you don't know a thing because it is all lies. 

You are only going by what he tells you. And he lies. 

You think you know what his marriage and home life is like because of what he tells you. But he has lied about all of it. 

You think you know how he feels about you because of what he tells you. But he has lied about that too. 

And you have been lying to your husband and likely lying to your AP as well. 

It's all built on lies and fantasy and smoke and mirrors. There is nothing to work with here.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Just when I think I've heard everything, THIS.........

What a charming example for your teenage daughter.

If you were magic, what would occur? Only way I can see out of this mess.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kalpana said:


> I live in a not-so-backward country.
> Divorce laws are strict but not like the ones in the middle-east
> I can still get a mutual consent divorce from my husband without giving the details of the cause.
> But then it has to be by 'mutual consent'. Any other way seeking divorce from him would be really tedious and puts him into a lot of stress for no fault of his.
> ...


If your husband didn't want you or care for you as you indicated in your ealier posts then why would he not be ready to divorce you? This does not make sense. Was this an arranged marriage? I suspect your H loved you but you had this affair because you didn't care for him and rubbed his face in it. It sounds like you had the upper hand and used it. You should go ahead with the divorce and stop ruining so many lives.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

I never said my husband never cared for me. In fact he says he loves me a lot thats why he cant divorce me.
I know it may sound strange and unbelievable but THATS HOW MY LIFE IS !!!!!!!! THIS IS THE TRUTH!
That is why I am here trying to understand what is all this about. Getting blamed by everybody, still hoping to make sense of my marriage and my other relationship.
My husband is a super rich man, provides well for us and he is a great dad. Extremely loyal to me. Committed. 
But he did something a few years ago that shook me so badly that I am unable to forgive him. I cannot disclose what he did to anyone but it wiped out all my love for him.
I simply wanted to move away from this marriage but he never let me. Since I cant disclose what he did to my family members or to the court ( trust me, its really bad) I cannot demand divorce.
I myself worked very hard for 18 years and saved quite a lot so Im financially well-off myself. My parents, siblings are extremely loving and will welcome me to their home at the blink of an eye.
But I do care for my husband , who is otherwise a decent man, who dearly loves me.
But I dont love him or forigve him for what he did to me.
Yes its an arranged marriage but I was deeply i love with him for 18 years till 2012 when i came to know what he did .Since then I am unable to love him or stay with him. 
But when he denied giving me divorce and accepted to me loving another guy, I stayed back in marriage.
This is not to take any revenge on him or giving back to him.
It just happened and I let it happen knowing well that it is not right but when my husband has given me permission i didnt need anyone's permission.
No woman wants to live a secret life with another man , every woman wants to love the guy whom she is married to and stay happily.
But sometimes, people whom you love most betray you, you cant walk out on them, you cant again love them in the same way.
So I stayed back with husband, we live as roommates, we dont even argue or fight.
We are happy when kid is home for holidays. When she is not there, we are friends. Not enemies. No heated discussions, no blaming anyone, nothing happens between us. 
YOu will have to believe me as I have no reason to lie to strangers and spend hours on the net typing away painfully my confusion.
MY AP dumped me ( but is still calling me, trying to keep in touch) though I really loved him a lot and trusted when he said his marriage was over long before I entered his life.
I always would ask him if he still wanted to go back to his wife and he always said NO. Daily, I would ask. Daily he would deny. I didnot break his home.
I have been cheated by both husband and this man too - so much for being loyal to both of them !
I no longer believe in loyalty, that is not men want. I dont even believe in marriage anymore.
But whatever Im typing here is all true, every word of it!
I would not have been here discussing my messed up life with strangers if I were sorted out. Im a complete mess, depressed, ashamed and hurt. Im not able to go back to my husband, dont want to go back to my AP, but at the same time, not able to disconnect with him.
Only good things I am doing is not going back to him myself or initiating any contact on my own but I also know that its not enough.
Just because you guys never heard of such a story before, doesn't mean things like this wont happen in families.
Many different marriages, different problems, different dynamics.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@kalpana he is using you. Don't allow yourself to be his VOC, Victim Of Choice.

Take that power away from him.

Let him find his next VOC.

From your use of English (it's the perfect, stylised use of grammar that gives it away! ) I would guess that you are in India? Plus also your name, too.

If so, many people on TAM will not be able to understand your point of view. I live in a part of England with a high proportion of people of Indian ancestry (actually, including my wife's family!) Muslims, Hindus, Sikhs, Christians, so I think I do appreciate your situation.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

kalpana said:


> we are friends. Not enemies. No heated discussions, no blaming anyone, nothing happens between us.


Suppose you could have your "wish", right now, today. What is your "home run" ? How would your life be different on the "other side" ?

And......what do you hope to get from us here ?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kalpana, your life sounds a bit like a hindi movie (yes I have watched those too ) 
What has your husband done that is so bad? Did he cheat on you also? I know in your culture it is normal to live together married for the sake of appearances. Is there no way you can go to counselling etc to resolve the issue between you and your husband?


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

aine said:


> Kalpana, your life sounds a bit like a hindi movie (yes I have watched those too )
> What has your husband done that is so bad? Did he cheat on you also? I know in your culture it is normal to live together married for the sake of appearances. Is there no way you can go to counselling etc to resolve the issue between you and your husband?


No, he never cheated on me. 
In fact he lives on high principles and morals in life. 
But what did hurt me a lot and I cant ever love him or trust him the way I used to. 
Cheating on a spouse with someone else is not the only form of betrayal.
Not only in our culture but many families who fear social reputation/hurt caused to family etc., fake a great marriage.
I am not faking my care for him. I still like him but as a friend/roommate whatever you call.
But surely not as wife, as a romantic partner. 
I dont hate him, I dont love him. 
Im not surprised that you are amused by this new dynamics of my marriage and no, I really dont think it will make for a great movie story as well.
Its a bad marriage, bad relationships, bad life and bad choices I have been living with so I really dont think it would entertain any sensible audience.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

TJW said:


> Suppose you could have your "wish", right now, today. What is your "home run" ? How would your life be different on the "other side" ?
> 
> And......what do you hope to get from us here ?


I would be happy if you can advice me how to give it back to this man.
revenge may not be the solution, it may be the worst solution, could be a total waste of time, but still, that is the only way I get the closure which this man is not providing me for loving him and taking care of him like a wife for 6 years of my life.
I want to pretend to be the way I was till last month and then dump him suddenly when he least expects it after giving a big lecture about how much I love him but cant hurt my family.
I want him to know the pain even if its temporary for him, I want to give it back.
Now that he still contacts me on his own is giving me a hope that I can do it.
But how to do it am not able to understand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That's a bad idea. Just let go. That will be enough to hurt him (assuming that's even possible).


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Anger hurts the container that holds it. 

Your situation was convoluted and unsustainable. Your relief will come when your are able to reach indifference toward him.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The fact that your husband doesn't want to divorce is fine, but he doesn't hold the key to your life, you do. You don't need his permission, just get an attorney, develop an exit strategy and then execute the plan. So instead of divorcing you two have decided to live in an open relationship, that is your business, but I think that you have found this life to be less than fulfilling. If you want to get over your affair partner, then stop taking his calls and allowing yourself to get reinvested. He is just using you on his terms and not worthy of you. Personally, I recommend that if you want to be happy that you need to take control of your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kalpana said:


> I would be happy if you can advice me how to give it back to this man.
> revenge may not be the solution, it may be the worst solution, could be a total waste of time, but still, that is the only way I get the closure which this man is not providing me for loving him and taking care of him like a wife for 6 years of my life.
> I want to pretend to be the way I was till last month and then dump him suddenly when he least expects it after giving a big lecture about how much I love him but cant hurt my family.
> I want him to know the pain even if its temporary for him, I want to give it back.
> ...


I think you need counselling, @kalpana.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kalpana said:


> No, he never cheated on me.
> In fact he lives on high principles and morals in life.
> But what did hurt me a lot and I cant ever love him or trust him the way I used to.
> Cheating on a spouse with someone else is not the only form of betrayal.
> ...


Well don't you think you are kind of even now? Interesting that he can forgive you but you can't forgive him. If everyone knew (like say your parents) would they agree with you moving out? There is this thing that people who cheat do to help them not have to think about how truly awful that are, which is to rewrite the history of their marriage and make there spouse out to be this heartless monster, (or they did this one unforgivable thing), but usually it's just the normal pressures of life that keeps the spouse a little distant or busy. Usually it's just common problems that every marriage has, that people with a lack of character use as an excuse to cheat on there spouse with. The cheating is really about the void in their soul more then anything their spouse did. Personally I think you probably just got bored and are using this grave thing he did as an excuse.

Keep cheating on him I doubt his love will last long. Wonder how your kid will take it? Probably not well. Another interesting thing, what do you think he would say about you as a wife? You describe him as a great man who did one "terribly bad" thing (which you conveniently can't talk about), what do you think he would say? You seem SO desperate to get away from him. Is he just crazy? Is it because he would loose face? Is he just broken in some way, too weak to stand up for himself? Why would he even want to stay with you? Is he really aware how much you want to be away from him? Will the stigma from divorce prevent him from getting marriage again in your country? Would it hurt your kids? Why does he want to stay with you? From your post you don't seem like a great wife, no offense. 

Anyway all that said, is there anything in your country that says you have to live together? If not wait until you kid moves out and then move far away like to another country. Maybe he will divorce you then. 

The whole thing is sad.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Well don't you think you are kind of even now? Interesting that he can forgive you but you can't forgive him. If everyone knew (like say your parents) would they agree with you moving out? There is this thing that people who cheat do to help them not have to think about how truly awful that are, which is to rewrite the history of their marriage and make there spouse out to be this heartless monster, (or they did this one unforgivable thing), but usually it's just the normal pressures of life that keeps the spouse a little distant or busy. Usually it's just common problems that every marriage has, that people with a lack of character use as an excuse to cheat on there spouse with. The cheating is really about the void in their soul more then anything their spouse did. Personally I think you probably just got bored and are using this grave thing he did as an excuse.
> 
> Keep cheating on him I doubt his love will last long. Wonder how your kid will take it? Probably not well. Another interesting thing, what do you think he would say about you as a wife? You describe him as a great man who did one "terribly bad" thing (which you conveniently can't talk about), what do you think he would say? You seem SO desperate to get away from him. Is he just crazy? Is it because he would loose face? Is he just broken in some way, too weak to stand up for himself? Why would he even want to stay with you? Is he really aware how much you want to be away from him? Will the stigma from divorce prevent him from getting marriage again in your country? Would it hurt your kids? Why does he want to stay with you? From your post you don't seem like a great wife, no offense.
> 
> ...


Yes, mine is a dysfunctional marriage. A failed and a strange one.
Yes, I cannot reveal what my husband did to me, because that is not relevant here.
I didnot cheat on my husband, I openly told him about my affair on a daily basis to him . I also told my AP that I was telling my husband.
I DIDNOT CHEAT ON EITHER OF THEM.
This is a fact.
So, I really dont need any help regarding how I should be getting my divorce from my husband because that is not the problem here.
I am just wondering how should I give back to that guy who lied to me for years and even now, instead of giving me closure and respectfully leaving me, is still trying to be in contact me .
I need a closure to retain my sanity and not feel worthless. I really need it for all I did for him for years, for loving him sincerely for staying loyal to him and being the best friend ( its not for sex, we hardly had sex in these 6 years though he wanted it more. We were best buddies, we share so much more. 
We even hardly held hands or kissed each other). 
I thought I found a companion for life.
I never asked him to marry me. 
I even agreed to stay as a friend with him if he ever went back to his wife. 
I just wanted him NOT to 2 time me and expected truthfulness from him. 
But he neither gave me a respectful closure nor has been truthful to me. 
I want him to feel the pain of betrayal so want to pretend to be nice to him for a few months and the dump him suddenly .
I know its all stupid, silly but I need some closure and simply cant stop all communication with him without that.
I am not able to move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kalpana said:


> Yes, mine is a dysfunctional marriage. A failed and a strange one.
> Yes, I cannot reveal what my husband did to me, because that is not relevant here.
> I didnot cheat on my husband, I openly told him about my affair on a daily basis to him . I also told my AP that I was telling my husband.
> I DIDNOT CHEAT ON EITHER OF THEM.
> ...


It's really hard to comment on your situation when you don't say what you husband did. Even still seems like he has been loyal to you even when you are not loyal to him. Now there is the other guy (married and cheating) not loyal. Seems like the lesson is loyalty is important. He showed you no more loyalty then he showed his wife, you shouldn't have expected different. You shouldn't be mad at him as you really didn't have a right to expect more. People are their actions, his actions have always been lets just say shady. 

You both used each other to get some mutual emotional and occasional intimacy. He got tired and moved on. It's not like you were married right? As yours seems to be a world where lots of people don't love each other but stay married and lots of people love each other and don't stay together because they arn't (or more like they are married to someone else). Loyalty seems reserved to the person you married, love to someone else. Seems backwards to me. You're not doing it right! I mean what are we talking about? Is your husband going to kill you if you left? Why do you stay even if you don't divorce? Doesn't seem like he loves you at all. 

Why do you hide what your husband did? No one knows him here? I'm sorry but the simplest conclusion I can come to is it wouldn't bolster your argument if we knew what it was. 

Here I will give you closure that would help you if you started to think this way (I doubt you will though).

You probably have a typical bad marriage. Your husband probably isn't the worst but also not the best husband around. There is probably some good and some bad (you even seem to say so.) 

You met a guy who probably lied to you at least a little bit about the nature of the relationship with his wife, and also the nature of his relationship with you. It makes sense because if he was in to you like you say, he wouldn't have dumped you flat. He wants to be with his wife that much is clear, unless he just wants to hook up with married women and he got tired of you because he had gotten all he wanted from you and the novelty is gone. You had a typical affair with the typical type of person who has an affair. (*hint* There not great, but then again you are also having an affair as it doesn't sound like your husband was on board with you open marriage). This is what happens when you mess around with shady people and act like one yourself.) 

This is why this kind of stay married to one man and love another type of thing doesn't work. Healthy people want the person they love to be the one they are married to. You are not going to find a healthy person who is willing to split the time. You severally limit your pool of suitors. So yes DIVORCE VERY MUCH IS YOUR PROBLEM. 

Now you are at a crossroads. You can divorce which makes sense as your life is pretty much all a facade, but maybe you can't for cultural reasons, but I again suggest you move away, at least that will put some pressure on our husband to divorce you. Maybe he will get sick of being alone, although he could just turn into another version of the guy you were having an affair with. Ironic isn't it. 

Or you can do as the song says. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with." 

Live and learn. That's probably the best closure you are going to get. 

Besides all that, this is your life. Nothing is going to change unless you do. No one here can give you advice to fix it because you don't like or want to take any of the choices you have.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

No, I would never marry again even if my husband and I get divorced.
And he would never divorce me. He says that he loves me ( Yes, he does EVERY DAY) and that drives me crazy.
Yes, I can leave his home for a few months and force him to divorce me but I would NEVER want to give him that kind of trauma.
He has been an excellent dad and great man. Everyone at home worships him, he earns a lot and gives so much i charity, he is a man of great morals.
He is a gem of a guy.
BUT I CANNOT STILL TELL ANYONE WHAT HE DID TO ME A FEW YEARS BACK.
That is the reason why I cant go to counselling or share my issue with anyone.
Im extremely grateful to my husband for many things but I simply CANT FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME that changed me so much that I got into an affair an ruined everything. 
Im not blaming him for my affair, he never encouraged me ofcourse, but he agreed to this because of his own guilt.
I would have forgiven him if he had an affair or something but he is not into such things, he says he can never cheat on me. And i trust him completely. I stayed with him for 23 years so I know what he is.
Sometimes I do get the severe urge to disclose what he did to someone but i never did. I cant put him to shame even if he wouldnt know.

I dont think he got bored of me either, he was extremely passionate about me and having sex with me...It was me who wanted him to focus more on being a companion. He was very very attracted to me and I Know it! 


Right now, Im completely broken by the lies that my AP told me and I need answers to a few questions from him. I JUST NEED A CLOSURE. I want him to say why he did this to me when I was so open and so honest with him. 
But I also know he wont answer any of my questions. So I guess I will suffer this way wondering :

If he really wanted his wife to be back, why is he still ( even after the affair came out) calling me and planning a trip abroad with me in Jan? He doesnt mean it or is he testing me?

Why is he getting mad when I put his call on hold yesterday while talking to someone else? What right he has got now on me?

If he really wanted her back in his life, why didn't he and she have not met each other for 2 years now though they live 10 km away from each other ( I read from their whats app chat and from his own MOM that they haven't met or spoken on phone in 2 years. they do exchange messages that are need-based) ? who will stop them from meeting physically ? 

Why is he updating me about her secretly to me when he should be building his home at least now?

If he loved her, he should have gone away to her long back and stayed with her at her parents house. How can stay away from each other for years if there was such a strong bond?

If he loved his son so much, why didnt he try harder instead of only begging her to be back. When she didnt do for 8 years and banned him from seeing his son, why would she do now?

How can he love a woman who banned him from seeing his son for years together?

I am just not able to move on. And I know what all you guys are saying here is true. I know it. But I am helpless.

Thanks so much for trying your best to advice me. Really thanks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kalpana said:


> No, I would never marry again even if my husband and I get divorced.
> And he would never divorce me. He says that he loves me ( Yes, he does EVERY DAY) and that drives me crazy.
> Yes, I can leave his home for a few months and force him to divorce me but I would NEVER want to give him that kind of trauma.
> He has been an excellent dad and great man. Everyone at home worships him, he earns a lot and gives so much i charity, he is a man of great morals.
> ...


One answer is simple you boyfriend is an *******. 

As far as your husband did he rape you? That really is the only thing I can think that makes this make at all any sense.

If he did you should divorce him for that. 

If he didn't I feel bad for him. 

Maybe you boyfriends story is your story. Maybe his wife felt like you do, he would always love her and never cheat, then she caught him and realized she was about to lose her safety blanket and ran back to him. Maybe he still has feeling for you because you were who he was with but his dream of getting his wife back came true. If this is the case she will soon tire of him once she has him back and he will come running back to you. Maybe your husband will do the same to you one day and you will go running back. He is still an *******. But then again no one in this story sounds like a prize. No offense.

I don't know, I don't think I can help you as I don't even think this is the real story. I may have it from your point of view but I think your point of view is terribly distorted. Because as you explain it, it makes no sense. Your husband can't be all those things and just watch his wife have an affair for 5 years if he is really in love with you. He may be attracted to you but no women is that pretty and you sound like a terrible wife. Maybe he is gay, that might makes some sense, yet you say he is attracted to you. If he is as honorable and together as you make him seem to be then he wouldn't be able to stay in such a ****ed up situation. There is no honor in letting someone crap all over you. So either he is really not and you are just propping him up out of guilt (plus he did this awful thing you say so how great can he be?). Either he is a very broken man, or he doesn't care about you the way you think he does. I wonder if your boyfriends wife felt the same way you do only to find out he had a mistress of 5 years. Maybe this is how marriage works where you are from because no one ever gets divorced. Remind me never to get married there.

Nah doesn't add up. The only thing about the whole story that makes sense is it seems like you are dating a guy who is pretty much exactly like your husband. Loyal to an ineffectual wife to a fault and wishy-washy as hell. Well like they say everyone has a type right? Anyway I think your thinking is distorted and you should seek some counseling to get a more honest picture. Maybe start with that.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

sokillme said:


> One answer is simple you boyfriend is an *******.
> 
> As far as your husband did he rape you? That really is the only thing I can think that makes this make at all any sense.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your opinion about me, my marriage and for your advice which was well-meant.
But, I cant prove to you that this isnt a story that I made up and I dont blame you guys for not believing it completely. 
As I said, im not here to discuss my own marriage. Because none of you know my story and I wont disclose that. My husband and I already agreed to this kind of life.
Even if I leave him, I would never get into any other relationship or get married. So that part is finished in my life.
No, my husband is not gay, he didnt rape me. He is a righteous man and I dont see any need to lie or prove this fact. He would never ever cheat on me. Not because he is super attracted towards me or loves me like crazy or Im a great wife. It is because he lives by HIS principles in life. he has his rules set. I have not been a horrible wife as you presume to be, but again I cant and need not prove it. And yes, he does love me still. Yes!!!! Unbelievable, but yes!

Coming to my AP and his wife's relationship, They have not met each other even after the affair came out and not discussed or tried to reconcile . But again, anything can happen. She is very clear that she would never leave her parents home to stay with him. He may want to go and live with her, I dont know. But last time he spoke to me, he was extremely scared that her parents were mad at him for causing pain their daughter.
I told him to stop contacting me and make his marriage work because the more I speak to him, the more I get hurt. 
I dont even know why he is contacting me now when HIS DREAM OF GETTING HIS WIFE BACK IS COMING TRUE!
But Im also unable to block him till I get a closure.

So, I dont know what I would really do. I think I will continue to suffer and cant move on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

This thread is a massive pile of bull dung


What could your husband have done that that is worse than your behavior? 

Did he murder someone? Did he defraud a client for millions? Did he steal someone’s kidney?

I’m not buying any of this self-righteous, blame shifting dreck. You stay with him for one reason: he’s rich. 

You’re welcome.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

My guess is he (The husband) got a vasectomy without consulting her.

Relationships in this culture sound so jacked!.

@kalpana, I will tell you how to get back at him.

It will be a great addition to this already ludicrous drama.

Get off any birth control, wait until you are in the ovulation window, when your mucous thickens, lure him in and get knocked up with his child.

Go after him for child support if possible.

Double whammy! (Both husband and AP.)

Perfect!!!
.
.
.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

kalpana said:


> I need a closure to retain my sanity and not feel worthless. I really need it for all I did for him for years, for loving him sincerely for staying loyal to him and being the best friend ( its not for sex, we hardly had sex in these 6 years though he wanted it more. We were best buddies, we share so much more.


I guess posting your story all over the internet on other websites still hasn't given you the magic answer that you seek.

Because there IS no magic answer.

Everything you did, you did by choice. No one made you do anything. No one tied you to a chair and held you captive, no one held a gun to your head, and no one threatened the safety of your friends and loved ones if you didn't comply. You chose every single step you made for 6 years.

Every single one.

If you want to be mad at someone or 'get back' at someone for *YOUR* foolish behavior, then look in the mirror.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kalpana said:


> Thanks for your opinion about me, my marriage and for your advice which was well-meant.
> But, I cant prove to you that this isnt a story that I made up and I dont blame you guys for not believing it completely.
> As I said, im not here to discuss my own marriage. Because none of you know my story and I wont disclose that. My husband and I already agreed to this kind of life.
> Even if I leave him, I would never get into any other relationship or get married. So that part is finished in my life.
> ...


If he is still in love with you and you had a 5 year affair right in front of his face then your just a cruel person, which is worse then a horrible wife. You can think of yourself how you want but your actions speak differently. I think Bandit is right you are with your husband for his money. Also no "man" would put up with that. 

You are going to have a hard rest of your life be prepared for more of the same.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

Yes, I agree I deserve what I am getting now.
I did everything with my eyes wide open. I never blamed anyone for my actions.
I am only hurt because of the lies he told me While I have been truthful to him and open with my husband too.
I trusted when he said he never loved his wife. His actions ( not meeting her for years and her leaving home for 8 years) made me beleive that he is in a bad marriage as mine.
Only recently I came to know that he was messaging his wife to return to him..
And after the affair came out, he is still trying to contact me and Im unable to control myself, I have become so weak.
My married life has nothing to do with this. My husband knew everything from day 1 and how we both live our life is upto us.
I came to terms with the state of my marriage and my husband did too. 
All Im seeking now is to teach that man a lesson for lying to me for years when he was madly in love with his wife though she left him years ago and not giving me a closure. 
Even as a mistress, I do have right to seek that from him for being his companion and having done things which only a wife would do..


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Kalpana, was your marriage an arranged one? And is it possible that the reason you have a hard time letting go of your affair partner is because of a) how he made you feel ( not when he was talking about how he couldn't leave the wife, but you know what I mean), and b) if it ends, you have nothing to distract you from your life as it is with your husband?


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess posting your story all over the internet on other websites still hasn't given you the magic answer that you seek.
> 
> Because there IS no magic answer.
> 
> ...


I agree, I have no excuse for my behavior. Not even once I claimed to be proud of my actions.
More so now after realizing that my AP and his wife were in love with each other.
But he lied to me that their marriage is over and I can never forgive him for not telling it straight and letting me go. I never wanted to be in a relationship with a happily married man, or with a man who is trying to get his wife's love back.
I thought and he said that he had nothing to with his wife and that relationship is already dead. And the chats I read with his wife said the same. She never cared for him or bothered to return to him . So I assumed that his marriage had been doomed too.
Yes, I could have walked out if i wanted to. I did not because I did not want to. I never said anyone forced me to say.
He made me feel like **** when all I asked him to be honest. I wanted to make this relationship work.
And he is still trying to talk to me and I have become so terribly weak that I cant even block him.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

TeddieG said:


> Kalpana, was your marriage an arranged one? And is it possible that the reason you have a hard time letting go of your affair partner is because of a) how he made you feel ( not when he was talking about how he couldn't leave the wife, but you know what I mean), and b) if it ends, you have nothing to distract you from your life as it is with your husband?


Yes my marriage was an arranged one.
But I dont think me having an affair is related to that.
WOuld you believe if I tell you all that my AP MADE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP 90% of the time while I was in the relationship?
I know none of you would believe so didnot even mention it.
Actually he always bossed over me and treated me bad. 
He was not half romantic as my hubby, not half kind or educated or successful as my hubby.
He was not half caring as me, not emphatic as me.
But I still loved him! I dont know WHY!!!!!! 
I thought he was that way as his wife left him alone, he would go to vacations all alone, attend wedding all alone, had to face social trauma because everyone knew she lives separately. He went through a lot and there were times when I would sit the whole night trying to comfort him ..
I have been his support, accept his craziness, his physical abuse too... I changed myself completely to make him happy, assuming that I was filling the empty space his wife left him with and expected him to be truthful.
Never once I suspected that he wanted his wife inspite of all she did to him. 
No one would believe me anyway when I say this. But what if there is a chance that everything im typing here is true??????


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Did he physically abuse you?


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> Did he physically abuse you?


Yes, twice.
Once when I wanted him to delete my pics from his phone 3 years back , he bit me very hard on my arm and i bled a lot.
Last year when I asked him if I was coming in between him and his wife, he said NO. But as a habit, I kept repeating myself and begged to say it as he was still messaging her ( not meeting or calling but messaging ) and I DIDNOT WANT TO RUIN HIS MARRIAGE if he was trying to build it.
I simply wanted a respectful exit WITHOUT LIES.
I was tired of listening to people lie to me all my life ( husband included) and I hate lies.
That is why I never cheated on my husband and was open about anything.
I would DAILY ask my AP if he wanted to give his marriage a chance and if so, I would leave him and after a break of one year, will come back as a friend.
I was not ready to break our friendship at any cost because I always knew that if he was trying to go back to his wife and start living with her and we continue our affair, we would be one day caught and I can never be his friend again.
So I wanted to stop this affair before such a thing happened. 
So daily in the morning, my talk started with the question ' Do you want your marriage to work? Do you want to try once more'?
He would get terribly irritated with this daily question.
In one of those outburts, he slapped me very hard on my face.
He kept slapping nonstop for 5 minutes till my jaws were swollen and teeth started to bleed.
I screamed and shouted but he didnot stop till his anger subsided.
He then said he was extremely sorry and said he was mad because I keep asking the same question days together instead of enjoying life with him and when he already told me 10000 times that his marriage was already doomed and he speaks to his wife ONLY and ONLY because he wants some kind of access to his kid.
So yes, he abused me physically twice.
But it never bothered me much because I felt he was frustrated as he did not have a family life.
He is a doctor and social life ( wife ) mattered a lot to him.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

What you seem to want is to be loved for who you are, not for what you can provide (in the case of your marriage, the facade of the successful marriage, and in the case of your affair partner, whatever it was his wife wasn't). 

Wouldn't it be lovely if you were in a position to respect yourself and care about yourself so much that at least part of the consideration you would give before entering a relationship is what needs it met for you as well, in a healthy reciprocal way?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

kalpana said:


> In one of those outburts, he slapped me very hard on my face.
> He kept slapping nonstop for 5 minutes till my jaws were swollen and teeth started to bleed.
> I screamed and shouted but he didnot stop till his anger subsided.


What did your husband say when he saw you?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

kalpana said:


> I am 45 with a teenage daughter. My husband is good but has no time or interest *in me*. I tried all ways to get him interested *in me*, but he is keen only in earning more money. He is not bad *but a very very boring man.* But he is a great dad.
> 
> I even *begged my hubby to divorce me *but he says he loves me and I can do whatever I want to with my life but not leave him.
> 
> ...


In bold above:

1) Interested in you, however you do not speak of you wanting to get interested in him. This is an important omission, however consistent with the theme of your post. You say he is boring, but is it possible he sees you as boring or having some other personal or relationship flaw just as you do? Don't discount this possibility. Selfish people are inherently so self centered that they have no clue when the actually are. You may qualify as such here. 

2) Men (or women) who are boring, are often dependable, steady, accountable, determined, ambitious, etc. Not all the time, but some of the time. You have disrespected your husband with the greatest disrespectful and devastating thing one person can do upon another. The least you can do is FULLY characterize him with honor. If he's seeking to make money, you might want to consider a goal of his is to make sure you are comfortable for the remainder of your life, even after he is gone from this earth,should he go before you do. Such a commitment is beyond what many can even dream of having in a husband, should this be the case. Boring people focused on careers are sometimes the carriers of very strong character traits that just need modified. What he isn't however is a cheater or an unloving husband. He's just not loving you in the way that YOU want perhaps. Just consider this.

3) If your life is so miserable, why does he have to be the person who initiates divorce. Divorce can be filed by husband or wife. Don't beg him to divorce you. You divorce him. Your intention here might be to not be the bad person to dissolve what many of your friends considers to be a man worthy of the best. Your inability to embrace accountability in shaping your own life is important to your predicament. When your husband said, you can do whatever you want with your life, did you take this to mean have an affair?

4) Your lover - I hate to tell you this, but take heed. There is nothing, literally nothing a man considers utopia than to have a wife or significant other and a long term sexual partner on the side. Men will go to extreme measures to make this happen. They will feign the health of there relationship, they will deny any love that i present. Anything goes, as long as the pxxxy remains available to them. He duped you. It happens all the time. They seem sincere, loving, yada, yada, yada..... but it's ALL IN THE NAME OF A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. The lying and double-lifing is the cost. The benefit is long term sex on the side. You will not believe this, but this is what it is. I'm a man. I know men. Puxxy makes many of us weak, compromising and foolish. I'll go no further on this subject, but I speak the hard truth here. Take it as you will. 

5) His parents, wife and son are all victims of your infidelity with an adulterous married man. You're party to this. Own up. 

6) Waiting on divorce, etc. - Reassess yourself and reassess if you want to be with a man who's fully capable of doing to you what he did to his wife. Integrity is already missing from you life, so you want to ensure whoever you're with fills in the missing peaces. He's as flawed as you are.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I wonder what she would do if her husband started slapping her around and belittling her? Maybe she would be attracted to him then. 

Instead she gives cites some heinous, world ending social evil her BH committed that she can never forgive him for. 

Not buying this caravan of horsesh*t. Some major chain jerking going on here.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Simple truth: if you really wanted a divorce, you would divorce.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

So here is what I think is going on.

Her husband has been in survival mode for years.

He has a daughter that he dearly loves, a life, and a reputation that he cherishes.

His wifes' prudence and discretion sailed away years ago, and he has known for years that she could blow it all up at any time.

He knows her balloon will never land.

He made the decision to never have another child with this woman, (who could blame him), and he secretly got a vasectomy.

She found out, maybe saw the doctor bill, or worse, he got a pus-sy infection (i.e. a pus filled infection), and needed further treatment, lol.

She was deeply hurt by his betrayal and never forgave him. This resulted in her acting out as she has described.

So now (as per @aine) she is all over the internet with her story, and shows up here, a relationship support forum, not seeking help for her marriage or family, but asking for help in exacting revenge upon, and plotting injury to her abusive affair partner, because, get this, because, ...he dumped her.

Seriously this thread should be one page long, with just a few people telling her, "we dont do that here, you are in serious need of professional help."



"As a ring of gold in a swine's snout. So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion."
Prv 11:22


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

Decorum said:


> So here is what I think is going on.
> 
> Her husband has been in survival mode for years.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your analysis.
But U got it all wrong, looks like you not only can create weird stories, cant trust others' stories but also read what you WANT to read and understand. 
I never complained about my relationship with my husband. But a few guys here are hellbent on me divorcing him though. 
I just mentioned about my marriage. 
Neither my hubby nor I have issues living the way we are. 
My AP didnot dump me. I thought he did after the first day.
He is still calling me and making plans to our future holidays instead of disconnecting from me and going back to his wife.
And Im hurt and mad only because he lied to me that he was wanting her to come back.
Im sad that Im unable to move on till I get a closure, may be in the form of revenge.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

kalpana said:


> Thanks for your analysis.


Thank you for your reply.

Good luck! 


_____________________________________
.
.
.



kalpana said:


> Thanks for your analysis.
> But U got it all wrong, looks like you not only can create weird stories, cant trust others' stories but also read what you WANT to read and understand.
> I never complained about my relationship with my husband. But a few guys here are hellbent on me divorcing him though.
> I just mentioned about my marriage.
> ...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OMG, do you honestly think you're the only woman on *earth* whose ever been used and taken advantage of by a lying married sleaze bucket for his own selfish gain? It happens *everywhere*, all the time, and to LOTS of foolish women. 

Stop painting yourself as some kind of *victim*. You're not unique and your situation isn't unique. Women foolish enough to waste their time on married scumbags are a dime a dozen - there are tons of you out there.

You keep posting on the wrong type of boards. You need to find an OW/OM support board. They'll listen to your story and pat you on the back and justify your behavior - unlike the 'moral majority' here on TAM and on the other boards you've been posting on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your H is good but only interested in earning money, so I assume you felt neglected and abandoned in your marriage and chose to find the solution in another man. That was a completely wrong move. You should have unilaterally divorced your H. You don't need his consent.
Then you have an affair with a man who has shown you who he is, emotional and physical abuser and you would prefer that kind of treatment.
You need to go for therapy big time to find out why

1. you dont want to be with a man who obviously adores you and puts up with your crap
2. You want to be with someone who abuses you awfully
3. Please tell me that your poor daughter does not know of any of this. What an awful example to give her when growing up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Decorum said:


> Thank you for your reply.
> 
> Good luck!
> 
> ...


Enough Kalpana, you are full of BS!
These are your exact words below extracted from* YOUR various posts*!

1. My husband is a super rich man, provides well for us and he is a great dad. Extremely loyal to me. Committed. 
But he did something a few years ago that shook me so badly that I am unable to forgive him. I cannot disclose what he did to anyone but it wiped out all my love for him.
I simply wanted to move away from this marriage but he never let me.

2. I cannot reveal what my husband did to me, because that is not relevant here.
I didnot cheat on my husband, I openly told him about my affair on a daily basis to him . I also told my AP that I was telling my husband.

3. He is a gem of a guy.
BUT I CANNOT STILL TELL ANYONE WHAT HE DID TO ME A FEW YEARS BACK.

THEN YOU GO ONTO TO INSULT DECORUM stating:

1. But U got it all wrong, looks like you not o*nly can create weird stories*, cant trust others' stories but also read what you WANT to read and understand. 
I never complained about my relationship with my husband. But a few guys here are *hellbent on me divorcing* him though. 

You are now contradicting yourself. The only one creating weird stories is YOU! No-one is hell bent on your divorcing your BH, it would be the right thing to do. You yourself want to divorce him but use the excuse of needing his consent, causing him trauma, blah blah blah. Don't you think you having an affair and rubbing his face in it, trauma enough for the man. You sound like one of those spoilt rich women from the Hindi dramas who live in a bubble and a world that must meet their selfish needs. FFS this is real life. Grow up!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

aine said:


> No-one is hell bent on your divorcing your BH, it would be the right thing to do. You yourself want to divorce him but use the excuse of needing his consent, causing him trauma, blah blah blah.


If anyone here is "hell-bent", it is YOU. You are here looking for advice on how to get revenge. You "cannot forgive" your husband, for whatever he did that is so completely egregious, and you cannot forgive your AP for the multiple sins he committed upon you.

Honestly? Do you really think his sin is somehow worse than yours?

Revenge is from the very pit of hell. It never brings any results insofar as "getting past" or absolving anyone from grief. It only hurts the avenger and others.

Instead of seeking hell, why don't you turn and seek heaven? Trust whoever God is to you.... seek what your God has to say about revenge. Assume that your God has YOUR BEST INTEREST at heart in the commandments he/she gives.

No person has ever lived a sinless life, except for Jesus Christ. Your husband sounds like a major-league good guy who you are very fortunate to be married to.

Instead of your bitterness and animus toward your husband, why don't you seek your God to help you with forgiving him, and bring him a loving and devoted wife. That would truly be the "right thing to do".

Why don't you tell this selfish POS who is your AP to "get lost" and cut all contact to him forever, repatriate yourself to keep only unto your husband? That would truly be the "right thing to do".

If it's revenge that you want, I can't help you.

If it's reconciliation and repatriation to your husband that you want, I CAN help you.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

Yes, I want to reconcile with my husband but not because Im forced to.
First, I want to teach my AP a lesson and then try to go back to my husband.
I dont know if I can do it, or he will take me back as a wife but I will surely try.
I know all the sins I committed, but among all the sins, I never hid my affair with my AP from my husband. 
I also know revenge is not the solution but I do want my AP hurt for lying when THERE WAS NO NEED ( i was ready to be his friend) and wasting 6 years of my life.
My husband is a great man and he deserves a better wife. 100% , without any doubts. That is why I wanted a divorce initially but he didnot want and requested me to stay in this marriage. Reasons - I dont know though he says he loves me. Which I too cant believe because how can anyone love a woman like me?
I deserve all the brutal comments Im reading about me in this forum and I dont even get hurt because I know what I did is nasty.
Thanks everyone for your valuable suggestions. Some very hurting, many valuable. 
But whatever I say is TRUTH! every freaking word of it!
Thanks


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

aine said:


> Enough Kalpana, you are full of BS!
> These are your exact words below extracted from* YOUR various posts*!
> 
> 1. My husband is a super rich man, provides well for us and he is a great dad. Extremely loyal to me. Committed.
> ...


aine,
It is ironic that she called my story weird (and it was), but fails to recognize (assuming it is true, and I am inclined to believe it) how weird the truth of her story really is.

She wins the TAM entitlement award for 2018.










I honestly don't believe someone like this can be helped.

Keeping in mind that she did not come here looking for help, she came here looking for accomplices, ha ha ha.

I wasn't going to post here again, but since you mentioned me, I wanted to tip my hat to you.

I read your posts when I see them, and I appreciate your perspectives.

Regards,
D.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Decorum said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> > Enough Kalpana, you are full of BS!
> ...


I don’t know if the narcissism image will show up in the quote, but that is right on. I am one too (was?) and can see someone cut from the same cloth a mile away. OP, these people do not see your situation the way you do because they are normal, healthy people. It is so frustrating when others don’t see what is so clear to you. 

I do have to point out that telling someone you are cheating on them does not make it not cheating. You have been cheating for years. If I tell my child I am going to punch them in the face ahead of time it does not make it not child abuse. If they tell me they love me after I punch them it doesn’t absolve my crime. Stop with that nonsense. 

Your OM spent years getting money and gifts from you and you wonder why he wants to keep in touch? Hmmm, that is a tough one. I am guessing so he can still get money and gifts. Is that really that hard to understand? It is for you, I get it. Because you are wonderful and giving and asked him daily if he wanted to be with his wife because you are just so selfless. Not. 

I get that you want revenge. How could low-life HIM do this to wonderful YOU after ALL you have done for him?! So get revenge. That should include cutting him off financially; detoxing yourself from this make believe world you conjured with OM - no contact of any kind; get into therapy immediately - tell them you suspect you are NPD and it is impacting your life in a very negative way; realize that there is nothing, NOTHING your husband could have done to you in the past that is worse than what your did to him. Cheating is the worst pain there is, especially for a man - you emasculated him. No, he is not just happy and fine with your arrangement. 

Get help, get healthy and live an authentic life without the OM in any form - with or without your husband. Learn ways to tune out the garbage thoughts that your narcissism tells you, especially about revenge. Therapy will help you with that. I didn’t know I had a problem until I saw a therapist after I found out my first husband cheated. I thought my extreme reaction was normal, turns out it was not. Nobody wants to be labeled with a personality disorder, especially a narcissist. But you have no idea the peace that can come to your life if you embrace it and put in the work.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Bluesclues said:


> I don’t know if the narcissism image will show up in the quote, but that is right on. I am one too (was?) and can see someone cut from the same cloth a mile away. OP, these people do not see your situation the way you do because they are normal, healthy people. It is so frustrating when others don’t see what is so clear to you.
> 
> I do have to point out that telling someone you are cheating on them does not make it not cheating. You have been cheating for years. If I tell my child I am going to punch them in the face ahead of time it does not make it not child abuse. If they tell me they love me after I punch them it doesn’t absolve my crime. Stop with that nonsense.
> 
> ...


Wow, Bluesclues, much respect.

I admire your honesty, and objectivity, so very very rare.

I am sorry for what you went through, but wow, you are made of the right stuff.

Thank you for sharing that.

I can no longer believe it is inescapable. 

Regards,
D.


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## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Welcome fellow desi. 

Our stifling culture promotes this dichotomy in which you are now trapped. To outsiders show that you live a happy life — but internally withstand enormous upheaval. Many of our people face the same challenges, and know that you are not alone. 

Your confusion is quite apparent, and living with your roommate/husband clearly isn’t working anymore. 

So how to strike revenge at your AP? Simple — tell everyone about your affair to the world. This will make him cower and crawl back to his wife. By doing so, you’ll be confirming to everyone your own misdeeds. Your husband, family and kids will be shocked. You’ll be hated and branded with a scarlet letter. People will whisper behind your back. It will take time. But eventually your husband will grant your wish of a divorce. You’ll be released from the shackles of your husband, and he in turn can be free. In the end, your karma will be saved. This is counterintuitive, I know. But it will work. 

ॐ क्रीं कालिकायै नमः


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

kalimata said:


> Welcome fellow desi.
> 
> Our stifling culture promotes this dichotomy in which you are now trapped. To outsiders show that you live a happy life — but internally withstand enormous upheaval. Many of our people face the same challenges, and know that you are not alone.
> 
> ...


How can he crawl back to his wife when they have been living separately for 8 years now?
She doesnt even meet him, forget about living with him - even before all this came out.
Now she told him that she would even tell her son about his dad.
The whole world knows about it anyway ...all his world...his wife, all her relatives know about his affair.
And he is still contacting me..
No crawling back to wife happened. 
I would actually want it to happen because she is such a demanding woman and he deserves her. Only she can control him even sitting remotely away from his home


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kalpana said:


> Yes, I want to reconcile with my husband but not because Im forced to.
> First, I want to teach my AP a lesson and then try to go back to my husband.
> I dont know if I can do it, or he will take me back as a wife but I will surely try.
> I know all the sins I committed, but among all the sins, I never hid my affair with my AP from my husband.
> ...


Have you thought that perhaps you have also destroyed not only your own family but another family. I bet your AP is lying through his teeth and cheating on his wife and she doesn't know it or has just found out that is why the heat is on him. You both deserve each other. Your spouse should divorce you as should your AP's wife then you can live together and see how wonderful your life will be. I suspect we are all being played with you and Daisy's posts on here.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

kalpana said:


> How can he crawl back to his wife when they have been living separately for 8 years now?
> She doesnt even meet him, forget about living with him - even before all this came out.
> Now she told him that she would even tell her son about his dad.
> The whole world knows about it anyway ...all his world...his wife, all her relatives know about his affair.
> ...


You really ought to hear yourself. She is HIS wife! you are NOT his wife, you are an interloper, a bit of p**** who used him and he used you. Do you know why they lived separately, I suspect it was due to inlaw problems. A decent man would take the side of his wife, but then again, he is not decent is he? It is good the affair is out in the open, hopefully, his whole family and your whole family will find out and put all of this to rest. 

You ought to go and get some professional help or perhaps do some charity work if you are living in India and get rid of that sense of entitlement you wear so proudly. Perhaps work in the slum areas and see what you do actually have, instead of acting like a spoilt princess entitled to have everything go her way. Entitled to cheat on her husband, entitled to steal another woman's H, entiteld to destroy two families. 
You ought to be thoroughly ashamed of yourself and your behaviour, what an example to your poor daughter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@kalpana

You are upset with his wife. That's the wrong person for you to be upset with. She's his wife. He lies to her to make her think that he wants to be with her. But then he does nothing to make that happen. All the while he has been cheating with you.

Be angry with him.

His wife wants a divorce. She needs evidence of the affair. Give her all the evidence that you have. She can use it to get a consent divorce from him... the divorce that he will not give her. 

You are going to want to read this thread..... it's his wife......

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...usband-cheating-after-7-years-separation.html


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

kalpana said:


> Thanks for your analysis.
> But U got it all wrong, looks like you not only can create weird stories, cant trust others' stories but also read what you WANT to read and understand.


With all due respect, we can only make speculations based on what little you have told us about your husband, or what heinous act he committed to cause you to never forgive him or wish to have any kind of romantic relationship with him again (if you ever had one, which I don't believe you ever did). We know more about your OM than we do your husband, and I would even be so bold as to say you do not know your husband better than you do the OM. 



> I never complained about my relationship with my husband.


This entire thread is a condemnation of your husband. Who are you trying to fool? 



> But a few guys here are hellbent on me divorcing him though.


Actually we would recommend to him that he divorce you if he was here. It is obvious you are a coward and cannot do the honorable or right thing and release him from this miserable farce of a life he is living. So you keep him on the limb, financing your comfortable life and supporting you and your children, while he gets nothing: no love, no sex, no companionship, no intimacy. 



> I just mentioned about my marriage.
> Neither my hubby nor I have issues living the way we are.


What makes you so sure? How do you think you can accurately speak for him? 

My opinion is your husband is allowing himself to be actively cuckolded. I cannot imagine that any man wouldn't have issues that. 

The only possibility that I can fathom is that he has had a mistress of his own on the side all these years, which is why he has not made a move to divorce you. Why should he? But that is just speculation. Maybe he really is that spineless.




> My AP didnot dump me. I thought he did after the first day.
> He is still calling me and making plans to our future holidays instead of disconnecting from me and going back to his wife.
> And Im hurt and mad only because he lied to me that he was wanting her to come back.
> Im sad that Im unable to move on till I get a closure, may be in the form of revenge.


No one cares about your AP. He's a piece of sh*t. A worm. No one cares if you revenge yourself on him, and no one here is going to take time from their day to help you figure out how to do so. We can try to tell you how to reconcile with your BH, but you have no desire for that, so we here at TAM are really at a loss as to how to "help" you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

There's no helping this whine-princess. She has everyone's attention and I'd bet this is what she really wants. Big mystery about what her terrible husband did to her way back when. Oh gosh! Someone, write her a new script for tomorrow!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What are the odds of an 'other woman' starting a thread and one week later the wife shows up and starts a thread? And, still no cat fight?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> There's no helping this whine-princess. She has everyone's attention and I'd bet this is what she really wants. Big mystery about what her terrible husband did to her way back when. Oh gosh! Someone, write her a new script for tomorrow!


OK, shall I?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

We are being played...........bet it is some script from one of the many hindi movies such as Life in a ....Metro or Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.' 
Hindi movies are peppered with these kind of sagas. At least if nothing it was entertaining!

The sequel: husband will come on here and tell us how his wife found out about his OW, and what should he do. Coming soon.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I tried. I just can't bring myself to give a damn.


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## kalpana (Aug 28, 2018)

To all those who thought my AP ran away:

He didnot. In fact, I stopped all communication with him and stopped responding to him. SO yesterday night he came to our house (main gate) and insisted that I open the door as he wanted to talk to me. I said I cant open the door and he begged me to come out of the house as he needs to say something really imp. So at 11pm I went out on the road and his car was waiting. I sat in his car and he began to weep hugging me. He kissed me nonstop and begged me not to leave him. for a moment, I thought he was planning to divorce his wife but to my shock, he said he didnot want to divorce her and so he begged her not to give divorce as everyone in his community will come to know about it and his reputation will be tarnished. So his wife agreed not to diovrce but said she would be watching him closely by employing PI so that he woulnt be in touch with me. SO he stopped calling me. He said he doesnt want to be with her, they are still living separately, she will only allow him to reconcile only when he proves to her that he is no longer in touch with me. That is why he was not calling me and only messaging me. 
I showed him all your posts/opinions and told him that no way Im going to again trust him and if he wants me he has to leave her but he says he cant and she is extremely angry and told him to stop communication with me or she will disclose the affair to his mother who is very sick. He is very very scared, he looked very weak, drunk. He literally begged me not to leave him.
I said I can be his friend but after he goes back to his wife. He said he may stay with her eventually ( after 8 years of separation, the affair might bring them back closer). He is very very scared that she employed some PI, she said she is tapping his phone and will make everything public if she finds him talking to me. Her parents want her to divorce him but she wants to change him and keep him away from me. Or perhaps she is taking some revenge 
Im not sure how she would do it sitting so far away from him. He is not completely clear too but is so so scared of his wife's anger.
I cant see him crying.
I told everything to my husband and he says that they both ( AP and wife) can never reconcile and she is just seeking revenge as he is not giving her divorce.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Zzzzzzzzzz


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

[email protected] said:


> Zzzzzzzzzz


times 2

:slap::banghead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is that his wife posting on the other thread?

I will never understand someone who allows this sort of nonsense drama in their lives... not just allow it but seem to relish in it.

Who cares that he cried to try to get you to stay as his mistress while he plays games with his wife? What stupid drama.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So why would your husband allow you to talk to the AP? Your realize now that he (ap) has no spine not sure why you still want him. Frankly why either of you women want him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, I think you all need to go to see your priest/s and to make joint confessions as to your lifestyles. 

You could also obtain the help of a professional writer to produce a book to serve as a warning about how messed up lives can become.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kalpana do you know what an affair really is? It is mutual masturbation between two attention junkies. 

What you have with this other man is not real. It is escapism. You are an escapist, living in a fantasy land while your BH has to deal with reality.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

kalpana said:


> Yes, I want to reconcile with my husband but not because Im forced to.
> My husband is a great man and he deserves a better wife. 100% , without any doubts.


Let me help you adjust your perspective. Your husband, by what you write here, is not "forcing" you even to stop your affair, and certainly not "forcing" you to reconcile. 

He has, magnanimously, OFFERED you reconciliation....

Let me ask you a rhetorical, but totally serious, question:

Why, instead of seeking revenge upon your AP, which is evil......don't you do the righteous, honorable thing, and give your husband the "better wife" that you say he deserves ?

Repent of your evil, wicked deeds and desires, and change your heart to align with the loving, sacrificial husband you have....is that not a far better way to concentrate your will and your efforts, than seeking to hurt someone ?

BTW:



kalpana said:


> I told everything to my husband and he says that they both ( AP and wife) can never reconcile and she is just seeking revenge as he is not giving her divorce.


Your husband also sounds as if he is a wise man.... I think he is very honorable. I can tell you of a fact.... if my wife told me about her affair?
I would blow her off like a used kleenex.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

I don't get it. Kalpana - you've been with AP for 6 years, and as you describe it, 90% of the time together has been miserable. He's physically abused you to the point of bleeding on 2 occasions (he bit you and slapped you senseless), and you love him but don't know why. You're in a codependent abusive relationship, that's why. You really need help and that is the bottom line. You need to end it with the AP once and for all, and then get yourself into therapy. You've painted an impossible picture (can't divorce b/c your husband won't grant it, can't tell what he did to get the divorce so that option is off the table), so there isn't a whole lot we can tell you that will help your marriage or your divorce. I'm not sure what he did to you that was so bad, but I think what you've done to him is pretty wretched. Your husband sounds like he needs help as well. Is 'social image' that much more important in your country than real happiness? What a mess...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tex X said:


> I don't get it. Kalpana - you've been with AP for 6 years, and as you describe it, 90% of the time together has been miserable. He's physically abused you to the point of bleeding on 2 occasions (he bit you and slapped you senseless), and you love him but don't know why. You're in a codependent abusive relationship, that's why. You really need help and that is the bottom line. You need to end it with the AP once and for all, and then get yourself into therapy. You've painted an impossible picture (can't divorce b/c your husband won't grant it, can't tell what he did to get the divorce so that option is off the table), so there isn't a whole lot we can tell you that will help your marriage or your divorce. I'm not sure what he did to you that was so bad, but I think what you've done to him is pretty wretched. Your husband sounds like he needs help as well. Is 'social image' that much more important in your country than real happiness? What a mess...



It almost sounds like Stockholm syndrome..


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Is that his wife posting on the other thread?
> 
> I will never understand someone who allows this sort of nonsense drama in their lives... not just allow it but seem to relish in it.
> 
> Who cares that he cried to try to get you to stay as his mistress while he plays games with his wife? What stupid drama.


It's just more Hindi movie drama. Believe it, some relish it.


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