# Husband now wants to be a Polygamist?!



## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

So to sum this up as shortly as I possibly can. Husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We both want a large family, are both Christian. We starting trying to have a family right away, had 2 early miscarriages. Both were tested, all is good. Well, now he decides about 8 months ago that because he wants to have as many children as possible, he wishes he were a polygamist instead. I asked him why, explaining that we could have a large family through natural and adoption like we always planned and he said it wasn't enough because he'd always know he could've had more. So we work together, running an apartment complex and live on the grounds. I moved into a separate apartment about 3 months ago because he wouldn't get off the polygamy dating sites and talking to other women. He doesn't think we can get divorced, nor does he want to because he believes that would be adultery according to the Bible, but yet he doesn't think looking for additional wives is, because they would be "his wives". WTF!!! 
So lately things have been a bit nicer, but I'm lost on what to do. I love him dearly and want us to work out, but he hasn't been the same since all of this started. He no longer hugged, kissed or said I love you, no sex, nothing. He knows I know he's talking to women, and he says things like "I just didn't think it through before getting married", "What am I suppose to do, not get what I want."
I feel like my husband dies and this new man has taken his place. I am very much thinking of giving him an in depth Bible study I've created which I believe shows God's ideal as one man and one woman and also in the letter it's saying that I will not continue being with him if he will not give up this lifestyle idea. Any advice on what to say to him or do?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

R u n

Seriously, this is not the man for you. Get an anullment / divorce. Do not throw religion back at us. Your husband has abandoned you. let him go.
Next time find a better man. Life is too short for this. You got a lemon.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I agree with Entropy - run, run far and fast.

Do you and your H go to church? If so, it's time to tell your minister what's going on. Perhaps he can go toe to toe with him on religion and polygamy. 

Either way, you should run. You can't have a fulfilling relationship with this man. Please don't have any kids with him if you're still having sex with him (which you shouldn't be since you don't know if he's hooked up with any of the women he's been talking to and he might be carrying some STD's at this point).


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> He doesn't think we can get divorced, nor does he want to because he believes that would be adultery according to the Bible


What I think is that you should demonstrate to this selfish douche bag, that you *CAN* get a divorce - by starting the process now. 

And if he turns around in the process, keep it going until you check back for more advice. Hopefully we can give you some perspective on identifying true remorse.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'd get a divorce.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

norajane said:


> I agree with Entropy - run, run far and fast.
> 
> Do you and your H go to church? If so, it's time to tell your minister what's going on. Perhaps he can go toe to toe with him on religion and polygamy.
> 
> Either way, you should run. You can't have a fulfilling relationship with this man. Please don't have any kids with him if you're still having sex with him (which you shouldn't be since you don't know if he's hooked up with any of the women he's been talking to and he might be carrying some STD's at this point).


 What kind of Christian claims that polygamy is God's choice for families? The old testament is full of the problems people created having polygamous marriages. Paul, in the New Testament, clearly states that polygamy is wrong. 

If you are like me, you believe that God created marriage to be for lifetime. If your husband follows through with this and "marries" someone else, you are free to leave him based on unfaithfulness. That is not what you want, of course, so give him some time to straighten up. Do you have a pastor or leaders in your church who can speak with your husband? Do you know other Christian couples whose marriages are standard and can be a good influence? 

Do not put up with this long term. Oh, and make sure booth of your families know what he is up to if this continues.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

wow, tell him he'd better hurry up, because soon he's going to be minus one in the wife count!


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

Both families know, an both think he's crazy. I go to church, he hasn't in a while. We went to therapy once an he thought it was stupid. I have continued to go. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster from hell! I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to hang around like a doormat or second option either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Trust me. It may not be easy but you will get over him. He is like a bad drug. You need to break this and never look back. Go NC with him.

Then you have a chance for a happy life.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

RUN FOREST RUN!

IT aint gonna get better.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

If you value your health,sanity, and self respect you need to divorce and move on with your life there are plenty of good men out there the odds of you finding one are high now that you know what to look out for preferably monogamy.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

OP, it doesn't so much sound like your husband wants to be a polygamist. Rather, it sounds to me like he wants to be either married and/or having sex with women other than you. 

Despite the religious objections, I think it makes sense for you to explore divorce because it seems unlikely your husband is going to change his mind.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

heathjeb said:


> I feel like my husband dies and this new man has taken his place. I am very much thinking of giving him an in depth Bible study I've created which I believe shows God's ideal as one man and one woman and also in the letter it's saying that I will not continue being with him if he will not give up this lifestyle idea. Any advice on what to say to him or do?


Yeah. "Here's my divorce papers. Sign them."


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

People will use religion to decide whatever they want.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to hang around like a doormat or second option either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You don't mention whether you've moved back in with him. If you haven't, then I don't think you're at the doormat stage yet.

The bottom line is that he has his own agenda, doesn't give a damn about your feelings, and is daring you to divorce him. You simply shouldn't put up with that sh*t.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

heathjeb said:


> *He knows I know he's talking to women, and he says things like "I just didn't think it through before getting married", "What am I suppose to do, not get what I want."*


Reasoning of a child at it's finest! :rofl:

Yeah, tell him he can have whatever he wants, along with a nice stack of divorce papers because you will not be part of his harem.

You want a committed, monogamous relationship. Your husband is not the guy for that.

As other posters have mentioned...

RUN!!


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

Really this kind of husbands exists?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> Both families know, an both think he's crazy. I go to church, he hasn't in a while. We went to therapy once an he thought it was stupid. I have continued to go. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster from hell! I don't want to lose him but I also don't want to hang around like a doormat or second option either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a huge proponent to making marriages work, as long as both parties are working at accomplishing those goals...THAT SAID.

I know this is harsh and may seem abrupt to say but DIVORCE HIM!

He's now showing you his true colors. His desire to procreate and spread his seed is more important to him than you are. He's showing this to you. Don't ignore the deeper aspects of what he's telling you. 

This is not a savable marriage. You'd think that you moving into a separate apartment 3 months ago would've had some type of impact on him....nope. That tells you all you need to know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

heathjeb said:


> I don't want to lose him


Think about this. What would you be losing, really? You've already lost the fairy tale. Your marriage isn't anything like what you signed up for. Your husband has been replaced with a bigamist, because polygamy implies some measure of mutual agreement so he can't be a polygamist, not with you anyway.

Why are you hesitating to just divorce him already?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't have to divorce just yet. But I do highly suggest that you separate for now. He CLEARLY wants to sow his wild oats. Give him a legal separation, get on with your life, and see what happens in a year or two - you'll either have moved on and found someone more worthwhile, or he'll have figured out the grass ISN'T greener, and you'll get back together. But if you stay together, nothing GOOD can come of this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the general response here. Divorce him. He does not love or respect you. Instead he wants you to be one of his many concubines (or whatever). The fact that he can twit the Bible to this extent to justify what he wants to do says a lot about him... he even stated that this is all about him justifying what he wants. 

Tell me... if you has two or more wives... how exactly does he plan to support many wives and many children? 

Is he going to send his wives out to work to support him and his children (very common by the way).

Or is he going have you all go on welfare and milk the system?

Or is he filthy rich?

Has this reality, that it takes a LOT of money to raise a lot of kids.

How many kids does he think he wants?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This has nothing to do with children or religion. All this boils down to is he wants to bang different women. The way he is going about it is what he thought you might buy in the name of religion. Only a lunatic could have come up with this story. 

He has abandoned you, that is one of the things you can divorce him for, not to mention mental abuse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bestwife said:


> Really this kind of husbands exists?


Especially in parts of Utah, Arizona, etc.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

This whole "polygamy" plan on his part is just a way for him to scr*w other women while still married to you, all the while hiding behind his "religious beliefs." Sounds more like an unresolved sexual addiction to me.

It's time to toss this one back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just for the record, those shows on tv where the men have multiple wives...every time I even see a commercial for one, I have to try not to vomit.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> R u n


Best advice you will ever get.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

Thank you everyone. He has said he wants 50+ children, then he won't feel like a failure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

heathjeb said:


> Thank you everyone. He has said he wants 50+ children, then he won't feel like a failure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yea, like he can be a father, a real father, to 50+ children.


You did not answer my questions.. they are ones that you need to ask him. How does he intend to financially support that many wives and children?

If he is saying 50+ children it sounds like he is delusional. I'm serious. Does he have dilutions about other things?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> Thank you everyone. He has said he wants 50+ children, then he won't feel like a failure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's really hard to take that seriously. That's so messed up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

norajane said:


> It's really hard to take that seriously. That's so messed up.


Yep, that's my take on it. 

He needs 50+ children to not feel like a failure? Something is really wrong.

heathjeb, do you realize how bizarre this statement is?


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Make sure you don't get pregnant by him!

Are you in a mainstream Christian church or one of the more "fringe" churches? 

Are you isolated? Does he try to isolate you? Do you work so you can support yourself, or are you dependent on him? Many, many women try to save very, very bad marriages because they don't feel they can stand on their own two feet.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

heathjeb said:


> Thank you everyone. He has said he wants 50+ children, then he won't feel like a failure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



he's mental. 
move on.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Yep, leave. You can do better.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

We work together running an apartment complex owned by his mother. His family is very well off and has never had money concerns. I know how crazy he sounds. He want them so he doesn't feel like a failure an also because he believes it will help the world by bringing in children raise the way he wants them to be raised. This is his idea of leaving his mark on the world. He grew up catholic, me non denominational. He still talks like we're together even though it's far from a marriage. No physical touch or emotional connection in almost 7 months. No worries about getting preggers. He also now checks out women while I'm with him. I don't mean just a glance either, the other night we went to dinner an twice mid sentence he stopped talking when a young waitress walked by. He also said to me months ago that even if he didn't do polygamy he would've liked to have married someone younger so he could have more kids. So apparently now I'm too f***ing old!! I'm only almost 27. I feel very tossed aside. Beginning to wonder if he may be a narcissist? You know, the whole using someone until they're no longer of benefit to them an then moving to the next one. I feel stuck. I know I should leave, but it's hard. This is such a weird situation I have kind of felt in shock since it all happened. He use to be the sweetest man. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toocontent (May 28, 2014)

Your God has already shown you what to do. He gave you 2 miscarriages. He is telling you that you are not meant to be. Get divorced and dont look back!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> So to sum this up as shortly as I possibly can. Husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We both want a large family, are both Christian. We starting trying to have a family right away, had 2 early miscarriages. Both were tested, all is good. Well, now he decides about 8 months ago that because he wants to have as many children as possible, he wishes he were a polygamist instead.


This certainly makes sense if one is LDS, but you say he is RCC. While polygyny is certainly Biblical, and Martin Luther performed polygynous weddings, this will probably be a tough sell to the local priest.



heathjeb said:


> I asked him why, explaining that we could have a large family through natural and adoption like we always planned and he said it wasn't enough because he'd always know he could've had more. So we work together, running an apartment complex and live on the grounds. I moved into a separate apartment about 3 months ago because he wouldn't get off the polygamy dating sites and talking to other women. He doesn't think we can get divorced, nor does he want to because he believes that would be adultery according to the Bible, but yet he doesn't think looking for additional wives is, because they would be "his wives". WTF!!!


This is actually correct. Biblical adultery, and legal adultery, was always defined as a sin against the husband by the wife and her paramour. It was an attempt to adulterate the husband's offspring with the seed of the interloping male. A male commits adultery when he copulates with another man's wife.

However, I would hazard a guess that your husband said some vows in your wedding ceremony about "forsaking all others" or some such. If so, he is specifically violating your wedding contract if he is actively trying to bring in more women. Find out the rules in your state for an annulment.




heathjeb said:


> So lately things have been a bit nicer, but I'm lost on what to do. I love him dearly and want us to work out, but he hasn't been the same since all of this started. He no longer hugged, kissed or said I love you, no sex, nothing. He knows I know he's talking to women, and he says things like "I just didn't think it through before getting married", "What am I suppose to do, not get what I want."
> I feel like my husband dies and this new man has taken his place. *I am very much thinking of giving him an in depth Bible study I've created which I believe shows God's ideal as one man and one woman *


The problem with this strategy is that the Bible never makes that claim. In fact, not only does God portray himself as the polygynous husband of two wayward wives (Israel and Judah) he also lays out very extensive rules on how multiple wives and concubines are to be dealt with.



heathjeb said:


> and also in the letter it's saying that I will not continue being with him if he will not give up this lifestyle idea. Any advice on what to say to him or do?


the only letter you need to give him is a court summons. Just tell him that you're out, since he has broken the marriage vow/contract. The fact that he has withdrawn physical affection tells you that he's getting action from somewhere. Annul or divorce.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You are his wife, not his broodmare and deserve to be love for you and not what you can do for him and his over sized ego. I think you need to see an attorney and determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but must be prepared. You need to have a serious sit down with him and establish your boundaries. One of those conditions need to be extensive individual counseling followed by marriage counseling. If he refuses then you have to cut your loses and live your life, with someone that loves you for you.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

heathjeb said:


> Thank you everyone. He has said he wants 50+ children, then he won't feel like a failure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not normal. Who could be a good father to that many kids, no matter how wealthy his family is? Does he have delusions of grandeur?

Your values and dreams obviously do not align with his in the least. One of you is going to have to change for the marriage to survive. Yours are normal and valued by Western society. His are way out there in left field. Obviously he's the one who has to work on his dreams to continue the marriage.

Get marriage counselling. If he isn't willing to refocus on having one wife, and as many kids as they mutually agree on, end the marriage. It's not going to work out with you two on such different pages.

He's probably in great need of individual counselling as well, if his personal marker for success in life is that reliant on his virility. I've heard of that concept in some third world cultures...


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

heathjeb said:


> *We work together running an apartment complex owned by his mother.* His family is very well off and has never had money concerns. I know how crazy he sounds. He want them so he doesn't feel like a failure an also because he believes it will help the world by bringing in children raise the way he wants them to be raised. This is his idea of leaving his mark on the world. He grew up catholic, me non denominational. He still talks like we're together even though it's far from a marriage. No physical touch or emotional connection in almost 7 months. No worries about getting preggers. He also now checks out women while I'm with him. I don't mean just a glance either, the other night we went to dinner an twice mid sentence he stopped talking when a young waitress walked by. He also said to me months ago that even if he didn't do polygamy he would've liked to have married someone younger so he could have more kids. So apparently now I'm too f***ing old!! I'm only almost 27. I feel very tossed aside. Beginning to wonder if he may be a narcissist? You know, the whole using someone until they're no longer of benefit to them an then moving to the next one. I feel stuck. I know I should leave, but it's hard. This is such a weird situation I have kind of felt in shock since it all happened. He use to be the sweetest man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How long before he tries to turn this into a "compound"?...

With all his money, he could get the town's name changed to WacoII.

You're fooling yourself if you think that you will ever be happy being married to him again. If you did give the green light to him having more wives, I'll bet that each new one will be younger than the last. See where I'm going with this?...

He sounds too far gone to ever reign back in.

Just say no. Wait for him to cheat(and he will). Then take him to the cleaners. I'm sorry, but from what you've written, I see no hope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your husband?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

why are Polygamists only husbands? How come you never hear of a wife with 6 husbands?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> why are Polygamists only husbands? How come you never hear of a wife with 6 husbands?


It's called polyandry and it does exist. I don't think women generally have the desire to 'spread their seed' the way men do. It's simply not possible for a woman to mother as many children as it is possible for a man to father. One man could sire hundreds of offspring in their lifetime - thousands even - which is impossible for a woman.


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

He is 26 years old. I just discovered today he is also on normal dating sites. At this point I think he just wants to date again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

heathjeb said:


> He is 26 years old. I just discovered today he is also on normal dating sites. At this point I think he just wants to date again.


So what are you going to do about it??


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Seek a mental health professional.

Don't drink the kool-aid.

Get a job somewhere else and create the life you want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So help him pack his bags. You want him back? Sending him packing is the best way to wake him up to what he's about to lose.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Run far far away as fast as you can. 

That is just crazy!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> So help him pack his bags. You want him back? Sending him packing is the best way to wake him up to what he's about to lose.


I don't think this one can appreciate what he's about to lose until she's long gone.


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I wonder if he's making these outrageous statements in order to get *you* to pull the trigger on the marriage. Perhaps, he just wants you to be the one who "does the dirty work." Maybe he wants to be able to say that you were the one who wanted the divorce, or maybe he's just lazy?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

heathjeb said:


> So to sum this up as shortly as I possibly can. Husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We both want a large family, are both Christian. We starting trying to have a family right away, had 2 early miscarriages. Both were tested, all is good. Well, now he decides about 8 months ago that because he wants to have as many children as possible, he wishes he were a polygamist instead. I asked him why, explaining that we could have a large family through natural and adoption like we always planned and he said it wasn't enough because he'd always know he could've had more.



Bullsh*t. He just wants the variety of having sex with more than one woman.

Throw him a curveball just for the hell of it to see what he says.

Tell him, "I don't mind that idea, just as long as I also can have sex with different men"

Whaddya wanna bet he aint going to be too fond of that idea.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

If he keeps looking at those dating sites. Maybe it is time for you to start looking at christian divorce support websites.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Short Answer: Divorce him.

Medium Answer: You are young and have no children. Divorce him.

Longer Answer: I wouldn't be surprised if he has mental health issues. I'd insist on him getting a full check up with a physician just to rule out some nasty stuff like brain tumors. Even so, Divorce him.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

WOW...Run Fast! Divorce! This dude seems like a piece of work! 

Is his favorite show sister wives?


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## heathjeb (May 27, 2014)

He watches sisterwives online when I'm not around. He is also looking at porn a lot lately. It's ridiculous, I can't keep living like this. I try to touch him or do flirty things to get him to touch me and he acts like its inappropriate and he can't touch me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I KNEW it! That show is to men what 50 Shades of Gray is to women!



> I try to touch him or do flirty things to get him to touch me and he acts like its inappropriate and he can't touch me.


So, obviously, you are trying to keep him? And that is...why, exactly?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> He watches sisterwives online when I'm not around. He is also looking at porn a lot lately. It's ridiculous, I can't keep living like this. I try to touch him or do flirty things to get him to touch me and he acts like its inappropriate and he can't touch me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This has to be one of the most peculiar threads I have read.

I live in the Western U.S. I was raised as LDS (Mormon). I know polygamists. Historically polygamy was part of the Church. It was claimed to be a doctrine, and later repealed during the time Utah was gaining statehood. Many splinter groups held fast to the practice, left the main Church, and are still living it as a "commandment". Some really believe it is a teaching/principle of God. 

In my opinion, it has many issues in common with gay marriage. Right and left ends of the bell curve for societal norms.

You didn't sign-up for that. D is your best answer.

Porn is NOT part of the religious justification he is using, but who really cares? You have different core values and your life would be better spent with someone who reflects your beliefs.

Polygamy is for better or worse, a choice of lifestyle. Many people (including myself) are sickened by the issues surrounding the children who are not given a choice. As stated in a previous post on this thread, people can justify almost any of their actions in the name of religion. With that being said, I also feel that there are some polygamists who are good people.

Maybe this is why I find my own religious roots confusing. It is difficult to believe in teachings from people who lead lives contrary to their word. Words are cheap. It permeates society and most religious organizations.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Again,

Don't Drink the Cool-Aid

Seek a mental health professional - and I mean seriously, like right this very minute
get some help because you aren't seeing things as they actually are


Get a job somewhere else and create the life you want.


Run!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

heathjeb said:


> He watches sisterwives online when I'm not around. He is also looking at porn a lot lately. It's ridiculous, I can't keep living like this. I try to touch him or do flirty things to get him to touch me and he acts like its inappropriate and he can't touch me.


While the Pilgrims and Puritans get a lot of blame for things they had nothing to do with, the American ideal of marriage (practical monogamy as opposed to nominal monogamy) is their creation. Failure to satisfactorily perform the marital duty (sex and plenty of it) was grounds for divorce in the Puritan world, since deprived spouses were denied the consolation of mistresses and lovers, as in say Latin America, France, Italy etc. 

This means you need to divorce, since he is once again violating the implied marriage contract.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> While the Pilgrims and Puritans get a lot of blame for things they had nothing to do with, the American ideal of marriage (practical monogamy as opposed to nominal monogamy) is their creation. Failure to satisfactorily perform the marital duty (sex and plenty of it) was grounds for divorce in the Puritan world, since deprived spouses were denied the consolation of mistresses and lovers, as in say Latin America, France, Italy etc.
> 
> This means you need to divorce, since he is once again violating the implied marriage contract.


:iagree:

History is interesting with lessons about sexual tolerances. Charlemagne was on the throne as the head of the "Holy Roman Empire" while he was in several polygamist relationships.

We all know about Abraham and Isaac.

Religion tends to morph as popular opinion plays out.

Mach is right. He made an oath to you and his version of God when he promised to forsake all others. At best, he is not a man of his word.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You keep posting about how much you can't live with what he's doing, but I have asked you, and others have also, what you're going to DO about it. So what are you going to DO here? The advice is pretty much unanimous that you should divorce him. So, is that what you're going to do?


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Just think, if you stick with the plan he is headed toward, if you get mad at him you will get put in the other bedroom while the other wifey gets the action. How lonely will that be?


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