# Wife having LT SA with LT family friend turned business rival!



## BPJ3260 (Jul 12, 2014)

Never used a forum and, to be honest, never thought I would, but I am read several posts and replies and very impressed with the replies/suggestions.

Sorry in advance but this is kind of long but there is so much and I really need an honest opinion.

I have been married to H.S. sweetheart and have a 27 year old daughter. My daughter went to a private school (this was financially difficult for us but we wanted her to be in a Christian environment so we managed).

While there we became friends with another family who were financially more well off. My wife owned a local hair salon and soon all their family including the husband were her clientele. 

This man needed a early appointment and by wife obliged, i did not think anything about it. But, approximately 12 years ago, I just happen to be driving past and say her hug and give him a kiss on the cheek as she was walking him out of the salon. Being Hispanic and him being a family friend this is very common behavior in Latin community, but there was something about what I saw that troubled me. I discussed this with her and she said the usual - I have an over action imagination and blah blah blah. Months later I came into the salon during his early morning appointment and they were in the office area alone (I forgot to mention due to the early hours the other employees do not arrive until much later - but this is not uncommon to work at 7am) and again my suspicion grew and we went to a marriage counselor. The counselor's opinion was exactly what I thought he would say - It is not appropriate for a married women and man to be locked behind closed doors, at 7 am, and etc. 

A few years later she began cutting his hair at 7 am behind locked doors and on several occasions I stopped by and saw them in the small room where she mixes color and etc. Again, my instincts said something was not right and I asked her to stop, but she refused saying it was all in my head and etc. By this time I had graduated from medical school and he hired me fresh out of school into a job most new doctors would only dream of. I assumed this was because we were family friends and etc. However, her cutting his hair continued and he was a Deacon of their church and the dealer of the Bible study group that I was apart of so my suspicion diminished. (His daughter was in my daughter's wedding and Mine in her wedding) I was clueless at this point!

The clinic had a very nasty break up after I was there for 6 years. I opened my own clinic and was doing very well. This other man (OM) attempted to derail my business by doing some very unethical things that caused me to lose sleep and worry about my business's survival. During this time all communications between the families stopped.

After eight additional months his brother left the clinic with his brother, due to the unethical business practices occurring, and came to my clinic. During conversation he told me that I need to keep an eye on his brother due to him having numerous secret affairs and he had made a comment about my wife to him after I had left the clinic. 

I called my wife and nonchalantly mentioned that the brothers split up and that an odd comment was made, but I did not reveal the entire facts. But in reality, I was in my car to see her reaction first hand as I have a back ground interviewing potential criminal and etc as an intelligence officer in the military and I can read most peoples body language very well.

When I got home she was surprised to see me and acted completely normal. Then I dropped the bomb as to what was exactly said to me. She did what every criminal does when surprised with a question that they were not expecting to come. 
My instincts told me one thing but she adamantly denied. 

To gather evidence I got my phone records and it revealed they had been talking for as far as I could order the phone records up to 2.5 hours a month.

When confronted she advised she was helping him thru a marriage issue and normal stuff. I am no idiot so I dug further and she finally left the house and went to stay with very close friends that were like the parents I did not have. 

While with our friends she played the victim role as well as a Broadway actor by denying everything and saying I was having an affair, was mentally ill, abusive verbally and than she was afraid of me. Each were absolute lies. She was so convincing that they stopped communicating with me and when I would call her he sent me a text asking me to stop cause I was delusional and he was going to call the cops. (I did not say one thing in the text saying I was going to hurt anyone or etc), then when our daughter called my wife failed to talk to her and she called their house phone and got the same response from our mutual friends (they were going to call the cops on our daughter) My daughter and I were shocked as to the lengths she was going over phone calls. *Note: in the phone records the day I called her to tell her the brothers broke up and the one brother made an odd comment the moment I hung up - she called him. (sorry forgot that tidbit of info)

She finally came home and we were going to counseling and she admitted to exaggerating/lying to our mutual friends about me. Her excuse was she was tired of having to answer questions about an insignificant event. But did admit that for many many years she was involved in an emotional affair because of his position in the church, soothing conversations with her, talking about Bible and etc. 


Well, a few months later the OM's wife called to tell me to meet for coffee. I did and she dropped the bomb. The OM had confessed that him and my wife had a 10+ year EA and a four year SA. It was only in my wife's business in the back room and there was no intercourse or oral but everything else. (what that meant I do not know). 

I came home and confronted my wife. I was not angry because when she left the first time I knew in my heart there was more to the story but I did not have the evidence to prove it, but obviously I was hurt. She immediately denied this and only admitted when I told her I met with the OM face to face and he told me that you guys made a pact to deny, where and when. She finally capitulated. 

While this was happening my business has expanded and the OM's business is struggling. My firm has grown and financially I am doing very but still drive my Toyota with 227k, same guy who walks around town in ripped jeans, have same friends since I was a kid who are from all walks of life but are good/loyal/honest people and etc. I say this because she was impressed with his perceived wealth (big hat no cattle), fancy cars and Gucci clothing. 

At a counseling session when the counselor asked her how she felt after learning she was only 1 of many girls he was having a SA with, my wife got up and left crying. The counselor advised they would explore this at next session a few days later alone with her. 

At the next session they did talk about this at length and after the session my wife went across the street to a business that had a phone, asked to use it and called the OM. The OM refused to speak with her and told his wife (trying to mend their marriage) that she called. His wife called my wife and my wife cried saying she wanted to apologize and etc but no more. The OM's wife called me to tell me she called her husband from a business phone. When confronted she admitted but said it was ONLY because she did not want them to be communicating with me cause we were working on our marriage. OK maybe true but why from a pay phone, why not to his wife and why did she not tell the OM's wife this? My opinion: I do not think he would have refused to talk to her and then tell his wife. 

So, here I am at the cross roads! I love my wife and have since I was 17 yoa, but she betrayed me for years, ruined several friendships (friends that I called Mom and Dad cause I was raised by my Grandparents who are deceased) covering up her affair by slandering me, had an EA for 10+ years, SA for 4 years, told ppl lies about me to derail me cause she knows I know how to investigate and I was hot on the trail and she was in a panic - and the list can go on for years.

She has refused to discuss the EA or SA by saying I told you everything so lets get over it and move on and other things that are hurtful to me and show me no respect. 

As a side note: She does not seem upset for overly concerned that she hurt our daughter (having cops called on her) or me and the fact she was trying to reconnect with him makes me think she is obsessed with him, there are more lies still uncovered or ????. 

Folks: this is way out of my league of expertise and any input/ suggestions wold be greatly appreciated cause I do not know if our relationship can be salvaged or I should look for someone that cares about me.

*Never been any domestic violence whatsoever, I am not controlling, surprise her with perfume, purses and even cars, I am not the jealous type, but I can be distracted at times in my thoughts, have a tendency to be self centered if working on a project or have a goal and can be sarcastic - so I am no saint, but have in the past stood by her side when she had a conflict with a business partner who was embezzling money.

Thank You in Advance!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

That kind of betrayal would be very difficult to recover from. Are you willing to go through more years of more torment?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't think there's much to be salvaged unless she's remorseful, and she's not giving any indication that she is. Any effort in your part will just be rug-sweeping, which will come back to bite you later.

C


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*She has refused to discuss the EA or SA by saying I told you everything so lets get over it and move on and other things that are hurtful to me and show me no respect*

She(The Betrayer) does not have the right to dictate terms!! She is trying to bully her way past this....don't let her!! You may have to go to the brink of divorce to get her to comply with what you need. Also make sure she clears you reputation up with everyone she snowballed over the past decade plus affair!!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Personally, I would file for D immediately and only talk to her about the D proceedings until she gets her head out of her a** and starts doing the work to fix this disaster she has created in all of your lives.

She can't even apologize and be honest about what she has done...there is no way I would buy that a 4 year PA with a serial adulterer POS NEVER included oral or intercourse.

And if she can't even stop lying, how in the h*ll can you ever rebuild a M based on dishonesty and deception.

Show her that she is on the edge of losing her entire life if she doesn't wake up and start owning up to what she has done and then working hard to try to fix the damage.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

mmm. your wife seems really be entitled and just worried for her circumstances.

- how she feel for the affair
- how you make her feel for trying to uncover her affair
- how you make her look for talking to others about her affair.

but she does not care at all of what she have done:

- betrying her marriage for years.
- dirtying your name when you were loyal.
- hurting you with her actions.
- hurting her daughter to cover her actions.

it seems that the only thing she cares about is how she feels in the moment.

sorry but that is not reconcilation material.

in the end is your choice, but she never came clean, she never confessed by herself, she never tried to actively heal you, she never apologized for you pain, she never tried to heal her relationship with her daughter after her doings, *sorry but why the hell do you want to to be with this woman that still choosed the other man who for him she was just another notch over you?*


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me and she shows no sign of remorse, then I would consult a lawyer, draw up the papers and have her served at her shop and let her see that her attitude got her ass in a real bind.

These kinds of people will step all over you before they would admit to any wrong doing. 

To make matters worse, it's one thing for her to slander you and make threats by calling the cops, but she did then turns on your kid and that is line crossing in the first degree and if she can do that, then I would let her stew in her own filth and walk away. What she did to he kid is unacceptable and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

She is willing to throw away you and her own daughter under the bus to save her affair. Then she tries to reconcile with lame a$$ excuses and will not reveal all the details of her 10 year betrayal. 

She is willing to slander both you and your daughters name. I don't see how you can EVER trust this so called women again. Whats to stop her from doing this again? Her Word? Its already proven she'll say anything to get her way. 

Did she tell your friends that she lied about everything IN FRONT OF YOU??? What is the current status of her relationship with your daughter now? You need to inform the church about the om actions.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Maybe I'm dumb but if they didn't have intercourse or oral what were they doing?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Get one thing straight. After meeting for 4 years, THEY HAD SEX. Oral and PIV, at least.

You can try to tell yourself that they didn't all you want, but the funny thing about trying to lie to yourself is, you know your lying.

It sounds to me like the OM made suggestions, or promises that if she left you, he would leave his BS. She was in the process of leaving you, then he backed out.

Now you're stuck with this.

You can try to R, but it takes two and I doubt that your WS's heart will be in it. I mean, she turned away your Daughter at one point.

To me, that just shows how far gone she was and most likely still is. The OM backed out, so she wants her plan B(you). Now that your practice is going good, she'll just sit back for a few years, then...

Sorry, but it's the way that I see it. I'd file D asap and save some of the heart ache.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Get one thing straight. After meeting for 4 years, THEY HAD SEX. Oral and PIV, at least.
> 
> You can try to tell yourself that they didn't all you want, but the funny thing about trying to lie to yourself is, you know your lying.
> 
> ...


This^^^
And get your finances in order ASAP!!!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Loving her don't mean you have to stay married to her.

I just don't understand how you, a grown man, need any more proof this woman doesn't really love you.

If she is willing to destroy your life long friendship with that couple, and cops on her own child, that should tell you who and what she values.

Seriously, where is your self respect ??
There is NOTHING here to save.
This is not the girl you married. So put aside those fairy tales'
Would the girl you married continue to sleep with a guy trying to ruin you.
Bet she was egging him on too, and that would have been when she left you.

It's time for you to expose him and her to church and friends !!

Plain and simple,,,, free yourself from this monster.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

BPJ3260 said:


> Well, a few months later the OM's wife called to tell me to meet for coffee. I did and she dropped the bomb. The OM had confessed that him and my wife had a 10+ year EA and a four year SA. It was only in my wife's business in the back room and there was no intercourse or oral but everything else. (what that meant I do not know).


If they were having a 4 year sexual affair, if there was no oral or intercourse - was that a sexual affair? What were they doing?


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

So let me get this straight :

1. A decade of deceit,lies and gaslighting
2. Affair still continued even when he tried to derailed your business
3. They stopped only because OMW found out, not on their own
4. No remorse whatsoever
5. She spread lies about you
6. She tried to contact OM after dday (that reason above is lie imo)
7. She wants to pretend that nothing ever happened
8. She got daughter involved and feel no guilt

Read that over and over again, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with that kind of person ? Because clearly she doesn't care about you


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP: The extent of the betrayal in your case is so egregious, I suggest you cut your losses and walk. I agree that there is no way they didn't sleep together as well... if I were you I wouldn't even press her for any more info... you know enough to make an educated decision. 

She worked to destroy the comfortable life you built, so let her feel some of the repercussions from her actions. 
File yesterday.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

OP I'm sorry you've had to go through this. As others have already said I don't think there is any reason to reconcile with this woman. She cares only for herself.

10 year affair. And yes they would have had sex. But you'll never find out because your wife will never tell you. She happily ruined your friendships with people by spreading lies and did the same to your daughter. She has no remorse.

If the OMW hadn't exposed the affair it would still be going on. And even if she doesn't continue it underground, she'll meet a new OM in the future. And you'll have to go through this whole mess again. Do you want to lose more friends to her lies? Or get arrested for something you haven't done. I've seen a thread on here where a BS served jail time because a WS and her friend lied saying he came at her with a knife.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello BPJ and sorry to have you here. However, here are my thoughts on this:


This high school sweetheart of yours has disrespected your marriage since she met this [email protected] - a large part of your married life. *She is no better than POS him*.

She continued to lie to your face and continue this even when you suspected. You gave her many (far too many in my opinion) chances to come clean and she didn't. Why ? Because she wanted him (impressed by his wealth, power, who knows what) and knew that she could have the stability from you and the excitement from him. *She is a very very bad person and a liar and a cheat.*.

She very clearly had sex with him. Only a fool would think otherwise. A locked office over the period of time that you say - and all they had was groping ???? Really? And I am pretty sure that there is a ton more to be discovered but obviously not from her. She may have had him in your home or where ever she could. Her office is just what you have uncovered. She will never tell you the whole truth. *She is disrespectful beyond belief.*

She has not even been a real family person with regard to her daughter and was willing to throw her own daughter under the bus when she had to. *She is despicable*.

And now, that it is very clear as to what she has been doing, she wants you to get over it. Incredible! SHE WANTS you to get over it. She should not be wanting anything other than to do whatever it takes to (a) show that she is truly remorseful and (b) help you heal. This is because she is not truly sorry that she did it. Just sorry that she got caught. As others have told you, this would be going on under your nose had you not caught her. *So, she is also unremorseful*.
Now why would you want to stay with someone like this, who not only is a bad person but doesn't love or respect you (or your daughter it would seem) ?

I think that you are clinging to a memory of who you thought she was all these years. Also, you might be afraid of being alone after all these years. Trust me your memory has been shattered and you must face the truth that she is not the person you think she was. And do not be afraid of letting her go. Many will tell you that there is a great life to be had once you are rid of this toxin in your life. You will come to realise how much better off and happier you are without her.

Quite simply, divorce her with adultery as the grounds for divorce. And then get on with your life which will be a happier and healthier one for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

A ten year affair. What does she say that you actually believe. I believe she would drop you in a heartbeat for the posom if given the chance. I believe she would leave you and her daughter and not blink an eye. She has already showed you she would have had you both jailed.

How old is your daughter, what does she say about this situation?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, a polygraph test is the minimum I would have to see.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here.

Like many on here, I've been through a betrayal. Not as long standing as your wife's and my ex wife was remorseful - if not entirely cooperative - from day one.

Without cooperation you really have nothing I am afraid.

Sure, we all got trickle truth, but you can kind of work with that. Simply rug sweeping is a very, very bad sign.

I really believe in marriage. I may well re marry my ex if we stay together for lots of reasons, but one thing I do know is that I am afraid you no longer have a marriage.

I understand that, if you are a devout Christian, you may not want to divorce your wife but this really may be your best option at this point.

At the least, I would have the papers drawn up. When she sees them it may give her the shock she clearly needs.

Whatever her reasons - and everybody has them - she owes you cooperation and she needs to begin respecting your marriage again. If she does not, then you have no marriage.

This is tough; probably the toughest thing you have ever had to deal with. It takes a long time. Don't put pressure on yourself. Give yourself time. This is about you now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So he cheated on a former intelligence officer? 

What an idiot he was/is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she is not remorseful, you can't fix the marriage by yourself.

She has cheated for a long time.

File for divorce. Maybe she will wake up, maybe she will not.

I do hope that she will wake up and realize what she has lost.

Respect yourself, she does not respect you.

Go see your attorney.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You are blown by a nuclear bomb. And you don't seem to be in rage.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> You are blown by a nuclear bomb. And you don't seem to be in rage.


He's in shock.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

he's been suspicious for 12yrs. if he's in shock that's one hell of a delayed response!

i'm sorry but i would never be able to believe they weren't having PIV sex all these years. 

this story is a little over the top for me but life can indeed be stranger than fiction. either way, at least it was broken into paragraphs. 

best of luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You need to get tested for STD's. You know that the OM has had numerous affairs. Do you honestly believe in 4 years that there was no oral or intercourse? If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you. Of course the OM is going to tell that to his wife since he is damage control.

You know in at least the 4 years period that there had to be times when you were with your wife after she was with the OM in the morning. You wife through her actions clearly shows that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and wants to maintain her lifestyle. Please remember these words:
IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

You deserve so much better than this. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think that your wife would have been as accepting and forgiving as you? Your wife thinks you are a fool to be so easily manipulated. If you stay with her then she will have been correct.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

From what you've related here it sounds like her character is scraping bottom. I.e. she is not a good person, deep down. Divorce her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Deevorce!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Deevorce!


:iagree:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When did you served in the military and what branch?

What is your specialty?

What is the OM's specialty and his brothers?

Don't you hate trickle truth?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree, 4 year physical affair with NO INTERCOURSE?!?! Sorry, not buying it. 

See, cheaters will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what truly happened.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BPJ3260 said:


> She has refused to discuss the EA or SA by saying I told you everything so lets get over it and move on and other things that are hurtful to me and show me no respect.


Your wife's betrayal, like my wife's, was a severe one. There will be some posters that will advise you that it was too severe to overcome. Depending on how you're made, that may or may not be true.

But one thing I can tell you unequivocally. A severe betrayal will require an extreme display of remorse by your WW, if there is any chance of R. And the actions that you describe above, indicate she's not even close to being extremely remorseful, if she's remorseful at all.

You simply can not accept that. Divorce her unless she immediately and completely turns around.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This is pretty common in wayward spouses, they REGRET what they've done and push to move on. The problem is that she doesn't have REMORSE. You need remorse to even consider reconciling. Remorse may come later, but what you need to do is help it along a bit. She doesn't fully realize what she has to lose, not the full extent of her betrayal. What would help her realize just what a mess she's made, is by having you take a hard stance. Ask her leave, file for divorce, put the onus on her to take the initiative to repair the damage. If she steps up, then you can decide what you want. If she doesn't step up, you move on with your life.

It is not in your best interest to let this be swept under the rug. It's uncomfortable, but you need to take a hard stance with the mindset of moving on.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You say you were an intelligence officer in the military, but missed the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS fact that they were cheating at her shop alone in the mornings in a locked room ??? REALLY ??

It was right in front of your face for years and you choose to rug sweep it.

Add to that some of the other things you have said about her make her out to be a real POS and somewhat of a whack job !

D her ASAP ! Unfortunately much of your marriage has been a sham !


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

BPJ3260 said:


> I have been married to H.S. sweetheart and have a 27 year old daughter.


Seriously. Bounce.

Having a grown up child together is the same as having no children together. You have no reason to stay with this adultress. She bus tossed you hard for years. File D and start over. You're well off, you will have no problem finding an upgrade.

What these narcissitic cheats don't understand is that EVERYONE is replacable. They are too blinded by their selfishness to see this because they are delusional enough to believe they are the center of your universe. This is because they've been playing you so long unwittingly that their massive egos start to think they can play you wittingly as well. 

Don't let it happen. Don't be plan b dude. When you hit her with the D papers, you'll see her little fantasyland come crashing down faster than The Neverending Story....


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

Here's my thoughts, take them or leave them:

IMO she views you as the "safe" option that she can push around. The fact that she manipulated friends (and family?) around you before tells her that she can basically do whatever she wants and get away with it. And because she did, you don't feel that you can do anything and are acting like a wimp. I'm not trying to insult you. You served in the military? You're probably a lot braver than I, but that doesn't mean you aren't acting like a wimp.

If I were you there are several actions I would take all at the same time:
1. File for divorce immediately. That does not mean you are ACTUALLY divorcing her, although it is a real possibility. You are putting your foot down. Enough is enough. She lied. She dragged YOUR name through mud. No matter how much you love her, if she cannot understand how much she stands to lose then you're going to spend the rest of your life in agony.

2. You said that you've been saving while the other less prosperous man has been spending and she was attracted to his wealth? You want her back?

DITCH that 227k mile Toyota and buy something new. I recommend looking into a "budget" sports car. Scion FRS/Subaru BRZ, Nissan 370z, or even a Mustang (not really a sports car, but close enough). ALL 3 have starting costs UNDER 30k (although good luck actually finding a 370z for under 30k). In addition, buy some close you would buy if you planned to date someone. This will put the fear of God in her.

3. Slander HIM. Why have you not done this?? He's a deacon of the church and he's cheating on his wife with yours and you aren't out there condemning him public? Go to the church and PUBLICLY tell everyone what kind of scum he is. Why are you to afraid to confront the other man? Are you worried about violence? Strike first and strike HARD. No mercy.

It helps if you do #1 and #3 at the same time. Publicly serve your wife her divorce papers and publicly call him out. Bonus points if they are together at the time you do it. Everyone who sees them together will talk. She can't talk her way out of that one.

Do not stop on the pressure. Tell her the only way to stop the divorce is to stop with the lies.

You want to be the good guy, but the harder you try to be the more you will fail. So don't.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Forget the A's----tell me how do you continue to LOVE a woman, who slandered you, and was willing to have you, and her own flesh and blood daughter PUT IN JAIL----How can you even look at her w/out puking

If you decide to go ahead with this farce of a mge---she cannot just come back as if nothing happened, and resume her pre A cushy lifestyle----there MUST be CONSEQUENCES/ACCOUNTABILITY/BOUNDARIES----and for the present and into the near future---it needs to be HARSH

If you just slide this by, SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN---why not?????---- she knows all she has to do is deny, and if pushed, and finally caught she will do as she has this time---admit, and say OK, lets put it behind us-----THAT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN


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