# Advice please. To confront or to let go?



## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

1. Separated 4 months
2. Scheduling mediation for April
3. Can't file til November
4. Have kids together (3 at 4 and under)
5. Traded vehicles a few weeks ago on his weekend to take the kids to his place because it was easier than switching car seats. Found parking passes in his truck that were not from his apartment complex. All overnight passes. This past weekend, we traded vehicles again. Parking passes gone, but the rest of the trash in the truck was still there. So he didn't "clean" out the car, he just cleaned out the passes. 

6. Do I ask if he's seeing someone? We are separated and he doesn't want to work on things, but it might clear some things up for me. Would there even be a point in asking? Would that make me feel better and allow me to push forward more and let go, or would that just hurt me and put me into another backslide? Why would he hide anything if we are already separated?


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Just based on my very recent experience I would say say the following:

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is surely a duck. Well before my wife confessed her infidelity, I knew it in my gut. I definitely found evidence like what you are talking about but if you feel it in your gut, you should probably believe that. Also, the fact that he doesn't want to work on anything... My wife was\is the same. I wondered and wondered why on earth she wouldn't want to work through things but when I found out she was cheating, it made sense. I've read numerous places that people won't want to work on things only when they have moved onto someone else.

But, to get to your real question. Finding out the details of what is really going on will hurt more than you can imagine and, if you are like me, will bring on months of pain. Details are going to come out more and more and they are all going to hurt. Looking for the details only caused me more pain but you also deserve to know. They hide the details b/c they feel guilty about what they are doing. They should feel this way b/c they are doing something horrible.

Ultimately, I think it depends on what kind of person you are. I had hoped that finding the truth would allow me to be angry and move on but it didn't. Instead, I have suffered every day since. I'm weaker than others though. I've seen people who find out the truth and can get angry and move on. What kind of person are you? Will knowing that he is sleeping with another make you mad and help you move on or will you be like me and suffer? Only you know what kind of person you are. 

My advice is that you know he's gone, you know it is over and that the details (to this day) only hurt terribly. But, think about what kind of person you are to make your decision on digging for those details.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Wildflower Sorry you are here It sounds like he has moved on and you should do the same work on yourself take up some new or old hobbies exercising etc helps during this time. As Juba advised you know the answers to your questions why dig for more that would probably hurt you I would just move on myself 

Good Luck


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Wildflower3 said:


> 1. Separated 4 months
> 2. Scheduling mediation for April
> 3. Can't file til November
> 4. Have kids together (3 at 4 and under)
> ...


Wildflower, just take a mental note. I know having little kids it's hard to do a 180, but don't ask him about it. _Try not to think _about it too much. There could be a really good reason behind it my H has done some questionable things and then I find out through various things that it wasn't what I thought it was. However, if you follow the 180 it will help you detach from him some. Also he might wonder why you aren't asking... it might make him think you are moving on too.

Wow... 3 under 4 and you are having to go through this! 
I have 3 under 8 and it sucks! My older kids are in the hate/angry stage and don't want much to do w/ their father.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Once Pandora's box is opened there is no closing it. 

I hate knowing about it. I was doing great until I found out the reason behind the madness. Now I am crushed. I honestly believe you do not need to know. All it will do is make you wonder if he is with whomever when he is not there.


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## Wildflower3 (Nov 20, 2011)

Thanks guys! Good advice. Luckily I think I've been 180-ing enough that my "psycho" moment didn't last as long as it would have before. I've decided against confronting him because I'm the seething type and it would get me nowhere. Once again, focus is back on me and my kids and our new life. Not the one who is moving on into his new life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nj2012 (Feb 27, 2012)

I totally agree with Juba. In my case, I'm the type that needed to know. As painful as it was digging up/discovering everything, I have been able to put together the whole puzzle (his affair that he still denies, all his lies, etc) and can now move on. And just to warn you, sometimes things will come up when you're not looking for it and that can set you back. I haven't confronted him with all the evidence because I know it's not going to really do any good; I know I won't get any satisfying reaction or remorse. I know it's hard at times but keep doing what you're doing by focusing on your Self and your kids. Good luck.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

...I was glad when I found out for sure about my husband's taffair. Now, I have evidence and that helps me get a fairer divorce settlement.

If I were you, I would talk to you lawyer and see if it would help you to get as much evidence as you can.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

True... ask your lawyer for advice each area is different and we don't know your financial situation. Next time you may even want to grab the evidence - I found some and hid it just in case. If you can avoid asking I would too at least for now. My H has done some questionable things but when I ask it's not nearly as bad as my imagination was coming up with, but for now wait.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

I found enough to know that looking for more would cause me more problems than it would solve. Bottom line is this: if you are collecting it to show in court then do all you want. If your curiosity just gets the best of you and like to torture yourself then just keep on doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Sorry to say but he moved on but you are not. C'mon get up and forget about your past. If you will think about your past then it will be very difficult for you to focus on your future. If you want to ask him just as a general conversation then you can talk to him and if you are curious to know then forget, you should not ask him...


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