# I am the potential "other" woman



## LADoll

I am new here so please be kind.

I think that I may be having an emotional affair with a married man. He started working at my company about a year ago. The first time that we met our eyes locked and it truly felt like a love at first sight moment. I am fairly shy with men so I definitely didn't hold the gaze for long. But from the very first day we met, he is ALWAYS staring or gazing at me. I catch him looking at me all of the time and he constantly finds ways to be near me (at meetings, in group conversations, etc.) A few times he has somewhat gestured as if he was smelling my hair (or whatever) and has purposely brushed up against me when we have passed in the hallway. 

I did not find out that he was married until several months after I met him. He doesn't wear a wedding band. He has no pics of his wife in his workspace. He has NEVER even mentioned that he is married or even said his wife's name. And I found out that he had asked a few coworkers about me. I am not a flirt but I do get my fir share of attention from guys at work (platonic on my part and perhaps some crushes on theirs). He glares whenever other men at work talk to me when its obviously not work related and he has made a beeline to my side when other guys come around. 

A few months ago I overheard a conversation that he had with a male coworker about his wife. He was expressing a few marital problems and asking the guy for advice. The nature of the marital discourse is a lack of maturity and intimacy. And he basically is bored in his 2 yr marriage. I do think that I could ever have a physical affair but I do feel an emotional connection with him. I find myself wishing and hoping that he will leave his young and unhappy marriage.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

He can leave his marriage so 2 years from now he can be complaining to someone about you?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

You really know nothing about him. You don't want to be with someone who has horrible boundaries. You have a fantasy of who he is. He's not that person. 

It doesn't sound like an emotional affair. A crush maybe but it doesn't sound like you even talk that much.


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## SunCMars

Wishing is hoping.

Hoping is not acting.

Acting will soil the hope.

Hope lost.

Keep this guy a fantasy. Better yet, realize that what he is doing to his relatively young bride, he will do to you.........DECEIVE.


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## ConanHub

Well....

Facts don't always support feelings.

The facts are all bad here.

I have been with my wife for 26 years and married for 22.

During that time I have fallen out of love with her at least once.

I have also experienced intense feelings as well as love and attraction to other women.

I have only ever acted on my choice to be bonded with my wife.

Our love has grown and matured over the years and trials.

Choices and commitment are almost always more important than feelings in these situations.

He really isn't a good choice for you and you are not one for him as he already made a choice even if he isn't apparently totally honoring that choice.

BTW. If I was a single man chatting you up and a married man tried to act jealous or possessive of you, I would invite his wife out on a date. The man is an idiot.


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## arbitrator

*Wouldn't you say that he's already done you a severe disservice by not fully disclosing his existing marital status?

Now I wonder why that could be? Something that you have that he wants, perhaps?

He owes you some awfully serious explanations for his sordid actions! Let's just say that you deserve far better than what he is offering!*


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## Dannip

Wake up. Snap out of it. You'll be branded a home wrecker if you continue. 

And... just so you know - if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. He's probably lying about this marriage. Cheater are liars. (That is if he is already).

Also, decent hot single men will consider you damaged.


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## *Deidre*

His wife could be the best thing in the world, you simply only know what he is telling someone else, and how he's acting at work. Imagine if you were his wife. He isn't single, so you should really keep things professional and tell him to do the same. Nothing good will come of you pursuing this fantasy.


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## LADoll

I already know how this is going to sound even before I write it but....

Don't people sometimes meet "the one" after they have already married someone else? 

And I purposely do not speak or interact with him very much even when he places himself in my area. My actions towards him are not encouraging but I do feel a connection with him. I try to ignore him as much as possible and not give him any indication that I reciprocate his attention/feelings. I think that if I were to speak to him or engage him that a true emotional affair would begin. 

I know that it is a self centered wish but I do hope that he becomes single in the not so distance future. Yes, I know that sounds awful. And yes, I have thought of his wife. I wonder if she is sweet and kind or something else that is not so nice. Is she boring and not very stimulating? I also wonder how a newly married man can have such a strong (sexual/physical ?) attraction to someone else (me) if the wife is taking care of his "needs" at home. Do happily, newly married men stray? Why would a man stay in a miserable marital situation? Why be unhappy or unfulfilled? 

I do not wish to be the catalyst for it but I truly would like for him to become "available" if his marriage is not a happy one.


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## Faithful Wife

LADoll said:


> I am new here so please be kind.
> 
> I think that I may be having an emotional affair with a married man. He started working at my company about a year ago. The first time that we met our eyes locked and it truly felt like a love at first sight moment. I am fairly shy with men so I definitely didn't hold the gaze for long. *But from the very first day we met, he is ALWAYS staring or gazing at me*. I catch him looking at me all of the time and he constantly finds ways to be near me (at meetings, in group conversations, etc.) *A few times he has somewhat gestured as if he was smelling my hair (or whatever) and has purposely brushed up against me when we have passed in the hallway.
> *
> I did not find out that he was married until several months after I met him. *He doesn't wear a wedding band. He has no pics of his wife in his workspace. He has NEVER even mentioned that he is married or even said his wife's name.* And I found out that he had asked a few coworkers about me. I am not a flirt but I do get my fir share of attention from guys at work (platonic on my part and perhaps some crushes on theirs). *He glares whenever other men at work talk to me when its obviously not work related and he has made a beeline to my side when other guys come around*.



Ok so let's get the facts straight here.

You are enamored with a married man. One who doesn't even bother to make sure it is known he is married, doesn't wear his rings, doesn't have pictures of his wife on his desk, doesn't even mention her.

And somehow you are emotionally attracted to THIS man? The one who is married yet doesn't acknowledge this fact or honor his marriage in any way to the outside world? 

This is a MARRIED man who is gazing or staring at another woman (you) from day one. And yet, somehow THIS MARRIED man is what you are attracted to? You seem to think that because he is gazing at YOU this somehow makes YOU better than his wife or other women? Um, no honey. It means you are emotionally attracted to a man who is a cheater at heart.

And he is possessive of you at work regarding other men, and somehow you think this means he is being protective of you or somehow your hero??

Girl, get a grip. This is a married man who displays all the red flags of a cheater. If you are attracted to him and these displays, it means there is something very wrong with you.


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## MrsHolland

Why do people set the bar so low? 

OP if this is a true story then your behaviour warrants some professional therapy.


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## LADoll

I guess I don't understand the comments about there being something "wrong" with me because I am attracted to a man who is attracted to me. 

I have not acted on the mutual attraction. I have actually discouraged it despite my attraction to him. I purposely do not speak with him very much and when I do I keep my interactions with him professional. These are things that I am doing because I know that it wouldn't be right to form a relationship of any sort with him due to the mutual attraction. When my coworkers re going out after work and I know that he will be there I opt out. If I truly wanted to be a homewrecker I easily could so. He and my boss are cousins and I sometimes socialize with my boss outside of work. Also, I purposely do not have him on any of my social media. And I do not inquire any details about him from my boss or other coworkers. So yes, I have very strong attraction to him but I purposely do not show him that I reciprocate his attraction/feeling.

This has been going on for about year and I believed that the feelings would die down but it has become slightly more intense.

Sometimes people can not help how they feel or just stop being attracted to someone. The heart wants what it wants.


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## Faithful Wife

LADoll said:


> I guess I don't understand the comments about there being something "wrong" with me because I am attracted to a MARRIED man who is attracted to me.


Fixed your post to be more accurate and descriptive.

Sure, you're attracted to a MARRIED man who is attracted to you. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, right? Just la de dah, we're attracted. Oh the fates and stars must have aligned in order for us both to feel that way. Yeah?

Um, no.

But go ahead and be delusionally attracted to your married man and think there's nothing wrong with you or him. Right.


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## LADoll

Faithful Wife said:


> Fixed your post to be more accurate and descriptive.
> 
> Sure, you're attracted to a MARRIED man who is attracted to you. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, right? Just la de dah, we're attracted. Oh the fates and stars must have aligned in order for us both to feel that way. Yeah?
> 
> Um, no.
> 
> But go ahead and be delusionally attracted to your married man and think there's nothing wrong with you or him. Right.


I didn't initially know that he was married. Yes, now I know. 

He has NEVER mentioned having a wife to me or mentioned his wife when he thought that I was within earshot; I found out by overhearing a conversation that he as having with someone else.

I have not acted on these feelings or encouraged him to do so. 

Yes, I could easily insert myself into his life but I would not want to be the catalyst for breaking up his marriage when it seems as if it could possibly be ending on its own. 

I truly do not believe that any of this makes me a bad person. If I didn't have a conscience I would be openly flirty with him, go out with him and have physical contact with him. So I don't see having a mutual attraction as the equivalent of having an affair.


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## Faithful Wife

LADoll said:


> I didn't initially know that he was married. Yes, now I know.
> 
> *He has NEVER mentioned having a wife to me or mentioned his wife when he thought that I was within earshot; I found out by overhearing a conversation that he as having with someone else.*
> 
> I have not acted on these feelings or encouraged him to do so.
> 
> Yes, I could easily insert myself into his life but I would not want to be the catalyst for breaking up his marriage when it seems as if it could possibly be ending on its own.
> 
> I truly do not believe that any of this makes me a bad person. If I didn't have a conscience I would be openly flirty with him, go out with him and have physical contact with him. So I don't see having a mutual attraction as the equivalent of having an affair.


The bolded is the red flag of a cheater.

And yet you have a crush on this person.

Once again, what does that say about YOU? A crush on a married man, one that is so lowly that he will go out of his way to try not to mention his wife around a woman he wants to flirt with without the heavy toll of "married" hanging on his neck.

What a keeper. Not.

And you? A woman who secretly thinks there is something special about her because a married man wants to hide the existence of his wife from her so he can flirt as if he is single.

Nice.


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## citygirl4344

Personally I don't think you've done anything wrong here. You're attracted to someone yes. Even married people are attracted to other people. It happens. It's whether you act on it that crosses into doing something wrong.
He isn't a winner...he's displaying signs of outward flirting with you when he is married. Whether it's a crappy marriage or not he shouldn't be doing it. It does show a bit of his character and maybe that will be enough to turn you off him. Also you know nothing about him, his wife, his marriage. If he divorces her then go to it, however I think he has a few character flaws that are unattractive. 
I would continue backing off social events with him and your boss and if he approaches you tell him straight out you don't date married men so back off.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*

Put yourself in the shoes of his wife for a moment. You don't know the real story at home until you know her side, and you don't. For all you know, she thinks there's nothing wrong with the marriage and everything's peachy, meanwhile her husband is flirting with another woman at work. Imagine if you were his wife and found this out. 

You'd not think he was so great anymore. You see only what you want to see. 

You should read the book "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass.

Don't become the "potential" OW. Until you tell him to point blank buzz off, you are NOT discouraging him.


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## lucy999

He's taken.
Go find your own man, not someone else's.


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## aine

LADoll said:


> I am new here so please be kind.
> 
> I think that I may be having an emotional affair with a married man. He started working at my company about a year ago. The first time that we met our eyes locked and it truly felt like a love at first sight moment. I am fairly shy with men so I definitely didn't hold the gaze for long. But from the very first day we met, he is ALWAYS staring or gazing at me. I catch him looking at me all of the time and he constantly finds ways to be near me (at meetings, in group conversations, etc.) A few times he has somewhat gestured as if he was smelling my hair (or whatever) and has purposely brushed up against me when we have passed in the hallway.
> 
> I did not find out that he was married until several months after I met him. He doesn't wear a wedding band. He has no pics of his wife in his workspace. He has NEVER even mentioned that he is married or even said his wife's name. And I found out that he had asked a few coworkers about me. I am not a flirt but I do get my fir share of attention from guys at work (platonic on my part and perhaps some crushes on theirs). He glares whenever other men at work talk to me when its obviously not work related and he has made a beeline to my side when other guys come around.
> 
> A few months ago I overheard a conversation that he had with a male coworker about his wife. He was expressing a few marital problems and asking the guy for advice. The nature of the marital discourse is a lack of maturity and intimacy. And he basically is bored in his 2 yr marriage. I do think that I could ever have a physical affair but I do feel an emotional connection with him. I find myself wishing and hoping that he will leave his young and unhappy marriage.



My take on this is that you are shy, probably younger than him and like the older man he is probably can smell your vulnerability and naivete a mile away. He has probably bedded OW in his previous work place and just wants a fling. Smelling your hair, brushing up against you, etc, to some women that would be sexual harassment, he is testing the waters and you sound totally naive and idiotic if you allow him to do these things and pursue this, it will not end well. Are you so desperate you cannot find your own man, and want to steal someone eles's? Never ceases to amaze me the type of women out there. No boundaries nor morals.


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## arbitrator

LADoll said:


> I already know how this is going to sound even before I write it but....
> 
> Don't people sometimes meet "the one" after they have already married someone else?
> 
> And I purposely do not speak or interact with him very much even when he places himself in my area. My actions towards him are not encouraging but I do feel a connection with him. I try to ignore him as much as possible and not give him any indication that I reciprocate his attention/feelings. I think that if I were to speak to him or engage him that a true emotional affair would begin.
> 
> I know that it is a self centered wish but I do hope that he becomes single in the not so distance future. Yes, I know that sounds awful. And yes, I have thought of his wife. I wonder if she is sweet and kind or something else that is not so nice. Is she boring and not very stimulating? I also wonder how a newly married man can have such a strong (sexual/physical ?) attraction to someone else (me) if the wife is taking care of his "needs" at home. Do happily, newly married men stray? Why would a man stay in a miserable marital situation? Why be unhappy or unfulfilled?
> 
> I do not wish to be the catalyst for it but I truly would like for him to become "available" if his marriage is not a happy one.


*Please try to get a clue! 

If he'll lie to and cheat on his wife, he'll lie to and cheat on you ~ with absolutely no questions asked! And with a lecherous smile on his deceitful, beguiling face!

He is a liar and a prevaricator of "the nth degree," who only cares about one thing ~ getting between any woman's legs who'll flippantly and absentmindedly let him! And if you permit him to do so, then you are absolutely no better than he is!

Are you really that weak? Wake up and smell the coffee! *


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## Openminded

The heart may want what it wants but that doesn't mean the heart should trump the brain. 

The heart will **** you over. The brain won't. People end up in affairs in situations just like yours. Don't be one of them.


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## snerg

LADoll said:


> He glares whenever other men at work talk to me when its obviously not work related and he has made a beeline to my side when other guys come around.
> 
> .


Sounds like a major creeper

That doesn't skeeve you out just a tiny bit?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

To be honest it sounds like most of this "relationship" is in your head. 

You practically love him and he sometimes looks at you and brushes up against you? 

At most he wants some sex. 

You're in a relationship with your own fantasy. Go date, talk to people. Outside of work. Find an actual relationship.


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## aine

LADoll said:


> I already know how this is going to sound even before I write it but....
> 
> Don't people sometimes meet "the one" after they have already married someone else? When they have divorced their wife and are available, then yes
> 
> And I purposely do not speak or interact with him very much even when he places himself in my area. He is on he prowl My actions towards him are not encouraging but I do feel a connection with him. It's just lust and you are flattered by his attention, men like this usually know who is the vulnerable one they can easily pick off, he is probably a predator, done this before I try to ignore him as much as possible and not give him any indication that I reciprocate his attention/feelings. You did not ignore him when you let him brush up against you and come close enough to you to smell your hair, those are not the actions of a woman trying to ignore someone, in fact you are already beginning to lie to yourself about this scenario, body language is much more powerful than anything you could say, so BEWARE I think that if I were to speak to him or engage him that a true emotional affair would begin. I think you also sound very naive, if you can fall just like that
> 
> I know that it is a self centered wish but I do hope that he becomes single in the not so distance future. You sound very immature, you know nothing about this man other than he is obviously a cad, who wants to get into your knickers, probably use you and move on, and you want his marriage to fail, etc, sounds like you are living in Mills and Boon land, wake up!Yes, I know that sounds awful. Yes it is an awful thing to say, and I wouldn't expect much to come of it. If you get attention in the office why not find your own man,
> not some other poor unsuspecting woman's man. Remember what goes around comes around, is it possible you yourself have some issues with committment, etc. A married man means you don't have to risk much
> And yes, I have thought of his wife. I wonder if she is sweet and kind or something else that is not so nice. Is she boring and not very stimulating? His wife is frankly none of your business, you sound pretty shallow tbh I also wonder how a newly married man can have such a strong (sexual/physical ?) attraction to someone else (me) if the wife is taking care of his "needs" at home. You poor stupid woman (yes I said it), cheaters will take whatever they can get, particularly if it is handed to them on a plate, and you sound like you just might be that type of woman Do happily, newly married men stray? Yes, those who have no morals or committment, he would do exactly the same to you Why would a man stay in a miserable marital situation? Why be unhappy or unfulfilled? Why would a woman like you go after a married man when in your own words you 'get attention' in the office, No-one knows, it beats me, same thing, people do ****ty things and only they know why
> 
> I do not wish to be the catalyst for it but I truly would like for him to become "available" if his marriage is not a happy one.


 *Sigh* :scratchhead:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yes to immature. 
OP- I have been guilty of creating relationships in my head before too, before I had life experience and learned and grew. 

I'd meet someone and we'd hit it off and I'd feel an intense connection and I'd make a whole relationship out of it in my mind. A fantasy. He was perfect and my "one". Of course he wasn't but my fantasy in my mind made me miss all the red flags that he wasn't. 

The more you grow the more you find you will feel that instant chemistry with many different people. 

A- it's not love
B- it says nothing about compatiblity. 

You need both chemistry and compatiblity to make it work. You know nothing about this man and his compatiblity with you. 

What is he like at home? How does he interact with his family? What are his hobbies? How well does he maintain boundaries? (You know this one) What are his sexual preferences and needs? Does he have kids? Want them? How many? How does he want to raise them? What are his goals for the future? How is he with money? Does he like going out or staying in? 

You don't have love or a connection if you cannot answer these questions and have them match with your own needs.


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## Rowan

OP, there *absolutely are *people who will describe their marriages as happy while they are also cheating. It happens more than you'd think. And, yes, the type who do that will also cheat as newlyweds. They'll cheat when their spouse is pregnant, ill, incapacitated, out of town for the weekend, or just visiting their parents for the afternoon. They'll have emotional affairs, one night stands, brief flings, and long-term affairs. They'll cheat with strangers, with hookers, with co-workers and with friends. And they'll never, ever, divorce their betrayed spouse to do it. Why? Because they believe they deserve to have that happy marriage and all the benefits of it, while also being able to play at being single and get ego-strokes and fun sex with new people on the side. They don't believe what they do when their spouse is not around should have any impact to their marriage, and absolutely believe that what their spouse doesn't know not only won't hurt them but isn't any of their business. We call these people serial cheaters. 

A man who takes pains to hide the fact that he's married from his co-workers is not someone who is honoring his wife or his marriage. A married man who's jealous of the attention others pay to his pretty young co-worker, brushes against her, and smells her hair is not someone who is honoring his wife or his marriage - or appropriate workplace boundaries for that matter. He's displaying a lack boundaries, a lack of integrity and a lack or moral fiber. 

While finding him physically attractive might not be something you can really help, wishing for a relationship with a married man who has proven to be lacking in character says nothing positive about you. As this "relationship" seems to be mostly in your head at this point, I would encourage you to keep it from developing any further. Stop interacting with him as if the two of you are pining star-crossed lovers. Keep your interactions professional and impersonal. Divorces are not really hard to get, so if he's not divorced, then he clearly doesn't really want to _be_ divorced. Which means that he's a married man on the prowl for some fun. Have enough good character yourself to not be the source of his fun.


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## Dannip

"Entitled Princess Syndrome"

I see, I like, I want, I take. 

Imagine if you will, they divorce, he gives her half his money and pays her alimony. 

Then marries you. She has his money, not you. Then he continues behaving the way he does with other women. Treats you the same as he treated his first x-wife. Attracts new fresh meat. You're only gonna get 1/4 of what his first wife gets. 

Read and learn from the wisdom of wiser folks than yourself. 

OR

Learn for yourself. Your reputation and crowned label as the Office ***** (OW) will be my evidence to you. 

Do you have daddy issues?

Step number One. Respect marriage. Or they won't respect yours. If you have poor values and boundaries, you'll be seen as easy pickins from
Guys who can spot it. Married or single won't matter for folks without a moral compass. 

Don't be that girl. Or get pumped and dumped. Your choice, lil'princess. 

Me? I'd never date someone with loose morals. My wife and I have boundaries that keeps us together as a team. Protection from men/women who prey on married folks as a challenge. 

How would you feel if your boyfriend did the same thing this guys is doing? How would you feel?

Wake up now or fail one of life's simple lessons.


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## uhtred

I completely understand how attractions like this can develop - I've felt them. If your life at home is unhappy it makes you even more tempted. I won't judge you for what you do - but I think an affair is not going to make you happy.

My only advice is to remember that you don't really know this man all that well, so your imagination fills in the gaps with your fantasy of what you would like him to be, not what he really is.

If you are unhappy at home, then divorce. Really. In the end it will make you much happier than cheating.







LADoll said:


> I am new here so please be kind.
> 
> I think that I may be having an emotional affair with a married man. He started working at my company about a year ago. The first time that we met our eyes locked and it truly felt like a love at first sight moment. I am fairly shy with men so I definitely didn't hold the gaze for long. But from the very first day we met, he is ALWAYS staring or gazing at me. I catch him looking at me all of the time and he constantly finds ways to be near me (at meetings, in group conversations, etc.) A few times he has somewhat gestured as if he was smelling my hair (or whatever) and has purposely brushed up against me when we have passed in the hallway.
> 
> I did not find out that he was married until several months after I met him. He doesn't wear a wedding band. He has no pics of his wife in his workspace. He has NEVER even mentioned that he is married or even said his wife's name. And I found out that he had asked a few coworkers about me. I am not a flirt but I do get my fir share of attention from guys at work (platonic on my part and perhaps some crushes on theirs). He glares whenever other men at work talk to me when its obviously not work related and he has made a beeline to my side when other guys come around.
> 
> A few months ago I overheard a conversation that he had with a male coworker about his wife. He was expressing a few marital problems and asking the guy for advice. The nature of the marital discourse is a lack of maturity and intimacy. And he basically is bored in his 2 yr marriage. I do think that I could ever have a physical affair but I do feel an emotional connection with him. I find myself wishing and hoping that he will leave his young and unhappy marriage.


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## samyeagar

uhtred said:


> I completely understand how attractions like this can develop - I've felt them. If your life at home is unhappy it makes you even more tempted. I won't judge you for what you do - but I think an affair is not going to make you happy.
> 
> My only advice is to remember that you don't really know this man all that well, so your imagination fills in the gaps with your fantasy of what you would like him to be, not what he really is.
> 
> If you are unhappy at home, then divorce. Really. In the end it will make you much happier than cheating.


I was under the impression that she, the OP, was single, and is schoolgirling on a married dude she works with.

As to the OP, another thing to consider, to ask ones self is what is it about me, what am I presenting that signals to the married man that I am such low hanging fruit, an easy mark, that I am the type that would do this kind of thing.

Homewrecker, side piece, other woman, *****, to most rightfully carries a pretty negative stigma, and this is how this married man is looking at the OP.


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## LADoll

aine said:


> My take on this is that you are shy, probably younger than him and like the older man he is probably can smell your vulnerability and naivete a mile away. He has probably bedded OW in his previous work place and just wants a fling. Smelling your hair, brushing up against you, etc, to some women that would be sexual harassment, he is testing the waters and you sound totally naive and idiotic if you allow him to do these things and pursue this, it will not end well. Are you so desperate you cannot find your own man, and want to steal someone eles's? Never ceases to amaze me the type of women out there. No boundaries nor morals.


I am a little shy but I have a solid circle of friends and also I get a lot of attention from men. 

The guy in question is about the same age as I am and I did not know that he was married until about 6 or 7 months after he started working at my company. He and my boss are cousins and I still hadn't heard a wife mentioned. I had no idea that he was married. I just assumed that he was a cute, shy *single* guy that had a crush on me but didn't know how to approach me because I have had that happen numerous times before. I did not realize that the real reason that he had not asked me out was because he *can't* ask me out. 

Thank you for providing feedback but please do not question my morals. My morals are what have kept me from actually having an affair with this guy that I like.


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## JustAFamilyMan

LADoll said:


> I am a little shy but I have a solid circle of friends and also I get a lot of attention from men.
> 
> The guy in question is about the same age as I am and I did not know that he was married until about 6 or 7 months after he started working at my company. He and my boss are cousins and I still hadn't heard a wife mentioned. I had no idea that he was married. I just assumed that he was a cute, shy *single* guy that had a crush on me but didn't know how to approach me because I have had that happen numerous times before. I did not realize that the real reason that he had not asked me out was because he *can't* ask me out.
> 
> Thank you for providing feedback but please do not question my morals. My morals are what have kept me from actually having an affair with this guy that I like.


If you actually like him, then ignore him and cut him off until he's single. If you don't, there will always be an asterisk by any relationship you'd develop with him. That's true even in the most idealized version of things where he's dumbstruck with love and trying to make sense of it. More than likely, he just wants to have sex with someone he finds attractive. Whether that's because he's made a relationship mistake and doesn't have the necessary character to maintain his boundaries until he fixes it or the strength required to do so, or whether he's just another generic disappointment who would cheat under any circumstances, he's not mooning for you as a person. He's not thinking about how nice it would be to spend a weekend just watching Netflix in sweats talking about things you both find interesting.

The guy you like doesn't exist, at least, doesn't exist inside that man's skin if he'd be with you now.


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## LADoll

samyeagar said:


> I was under the impression that she, the OP, was single, and is schoolgirling on a married dude she works with.
> 
> *As to the OP, another thing to consider, to ask ones self is what is it about me, what am I presenting that signals to the married man that I am such low hanging fruit, an easy mark, that I am the type that would do this kind of thing.
> 
> Homewrecker, side piece, other woman, *****, to most rightfully carries a pretty negative stigma, and this is how this married man is looking at the OP*.


I understand why you would wonder if I am putting out a "homewrecker" or trampy vibe but to be honest I am actually very reserved. I dress in a very cute and stylish yet fairly conservative manner (semi retro/vintage-y), light vintage style hair and makeup. I am polite and somewhat shy while still being friendly. 

I have a very good reputation at work. Yes, I get attention from men (single and married) at work but it is respectful. For example, there is another married man at my job who always brings me gifts from his travels (that his wife picks out for me) because we have a platonic relationship despite the fact that he is married as well. So no, I am not the office Jezebel.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

So what exactly makes you think you have some huge emotional connection with this man? You rarely talk, you know nothing about him other than he looks at you sometimes and is married.

It is very likely he didn't feel the same "spark" as you did and your fantasy relationship with this guy is making you see things that aren't there.


----------



## samyeagar

LADoll said:


> I understand why you would wonder if I am putting out a "homewrecker" or trampy vibe but to be honest I am actually very reserved. I dress in a very cute and stylish yet fairly conservative manner (semi retro/vintage-y), light vintage style hair and makeup. I am polite and somewhat shy while still being friendly.
> 
> I have a very good reputation at work. Yes, I get attention from men (single and married) at work but it is respectful. For example, there is another married man at my job who always brings me gifts from his travels (that his wife picks out for me) because we have a platonic relationship despite the fact that he is married as well. So no, I am not the office Jezebel.


Oh, I didn't think you were the office jezebel at all. But for some reason, if he is indeed hitting on you, then he, at the very least sees you as low hanging fruit, easy score, as a homewrecker, and that's all on him, but...he clearly doesn't think very highly of you, or respect you if he thinks he can your panties off...and that's the kind of guy you are fantasizing about, and crushing on?


----------



## Young at Heart

Faithful Wife said:


> Ok so let's get the facts straight here.
> 
> You are enamored with a married man. One who doesn't even bother to make sure it is known he is married, doesn't wear his rings, doesn't have pictures of his wife on his desk, doesn't even mention her.....


While I agree with some of what you have said, I do want to take objection to a few things.

I have been married for 46 years. I have only worn my wedding ring during the marriage ceremony. I don't like wearing jewelry of any kind and never have. In my profession a ring is a serious safety hazard, people sometimes get killed and injured because of them. I often work around very high electrical voltage.

I have pictures of my kids (which should be a clue), but fear over a "hostile work environment" has pretty well prevented any sane man today from having any picture of any woman in his work space. 

OK, I know some women who when they first meet a man, tell him they are happily married. When they do that to me, I find it kind of creepy, like what kind of pervert does she think I am? The first thing on my mind when I meet someone is not, "are they available for dating?" Either that or she must really be afraid of men to put up such a barrier as the first thing out of her mouth.

Is the guy probably stinging her along? Probably and he should be ashamed for staring at her and not disclosing to her that he is married. Still rings, pictures and first thing out of his mouth "I am married" do not make a cheater.


----------



## JustAFamilyMan

I am not presently wearing my wedding ring. I don't do so to attract women I would decline anyway. It started over an injury during a workout, and recently the thought of putting it back on leaves me feeling ill and defeated. I don't have pictures of my wife at my desk, only my kids. I also have things they've made for me on my desks. I also do not talk about my wife much. Again, not to attract mates, but because it's a rather painful subject for me right now. Seeing her and talking about her would make it even harder to focus on the job which we all need, and frankly I don't see work as an all-day dating pool.

I do not however brush up against women or beeline for women talking to other men. I don't make female friendships. I sit wherever is closest to either a door or a back wall. It's possible some of these behaviors she is imagining, or that he's a louse. But the things he and I both do have nothing to do with wanting to pick up women or signal availability.


----------



## Bibi1031

You didn`t do anything wrong when you didn't know he was married, once you knew and still harbor a rose colored teenage crush on him shows that your romatic level requires some maturity on your part. 

Once you knew he was married, the forbidden fruit needs to be applied in full force. Not for his wife or anyone else but for you! This guy is a cheater at heart, that is obvious. Let go of those teenage romantic notions that people find the true love after being married to a mistake per say. 

First marriages have a percentage of ending. Second marriages have an even much higher percentage of ending in divorce. Why play the odds that are this highly stacked against you by hoping he becomes single again? That is romantic immaturity plain and simple. 

To be honest, he just wants to toy with you. If he was that love struck as his gazing make you assume, he would make the moves on you, but he doesn't because he likes pulling your romantic strings. Pull the plug on this stupidity. You are no married man`s toy!

Disdain is what women your age that love themselves more is what they do with fools like this guy.


----------



## LADoll

JustAFamilyMan said:


> If you actually like him, then ignore him and cut him off until he's single. If you don't, there will always be an asterisk by any relationship you'd develop with him. That's true even in the most idealized version of things where he's dumbstruck with love and trying to make sense of it. More than likely, he just wants to have sex with someone he finds attractive. Whether that's because he's made a relationship mistake and doesn't have the necessary character to maintain his boundaries until he fixes it or the strength required to do so, or whether he's just another generic disappointment who would cheat under any circumstances, he's not mooning for you as a person. He's not thinking about how nice it would be to spend a weekend just watching Netflix in sweats talking about things you both find interesting.
> 
> The guy you like doesn't exist, at least, doesn't exist inside that man's skin if he'd be with you now.


Thank you for your advice. It is less mean-spirited than some of the other responses yet straightforward. 

And yes, I do like him and will let his situation/marriage status work itself out. And while I understand the posts that are saying that he most likely only wants to have sex or use me as a toy that isn't how it feels. Perhaps I didn't fully articulate the situation in my posts so I will accept responsibility for not doing so. I didn't want to include each and every detail about the situation. 

Let me also state that I am not a naive, lonely cat lady with no dates who exaggerates a simple glance into a massive love affair. I know and understand what I am experiencing and feeling. The truth is that people do fall out of love with their spouses. People do break up with lovers or spouses. And after reading this board I realize that people also suffer in unhappy marriages for decades, too.


----------



## *Deidre*

LADoll said:


> Thank you for your advice. It is less mean-spirited than some of the other responses yet straightforward.
> 
> And yes, I do like him and will let his situation/marriage status work itself out. And while I understand the posts that are saying that he most likely only wants to have sex or use me as a toy that isn't how it feels. Perhaps I didn't fully articulate the situation in my posts so I will accept responsibility for not doing so. I didn't want to include each and every detail about the situation.
> 
> Let me also state that I am not a naive, lonely cat lady with no dates who exaggerates a simple glance into a massive love affair. I know and understand what I am experiencing and feeling. The truth is that people do fall out of love with their spouses. People do break up with lovers or spouses. And after reading this board I realize that people also suffer in unhappy marriages for decades, too.


Unfortunately, many married guys stay with their wives, AND have affairs with no intentions of leaving the marriage. Lying to both women, the whole time. Many don't leave their wives, even if they're unhappy. That's more likely what you'll end up in if you nurture this fantasy, and don't discourage his advances. You'll just be a mistress, and his wife will always be his wife. I'm not saying you're interested in becoming his mistress, but I'm pretty sure most mistresses want more than what they end up with.


----------



## MrsHolland

Apart from the fact that you are in lala land what is really naive is to even entertain the thought of being with a married co worker who is also the cousin of your boss, who do you think will get sacked if you have an affair with a married man? For anyone to put themselves in this position shows some serious self esteem issues.


----------



## oldshirt

If you are as attractive and get as much male attention as you say, then why aren't you to busy dating and being involved with single men? 

If your social calendar was full with single men, you wouldn't have time to be having the hots for some single guy that was giving you the eye.

Why aren't you dating single men?

While are you spending all this time and emotional energy being hung up on some guy that is married and has a wife of his own? 

What are you so interested in someone with so much baggage?


----------



## LADoll

oldshirt said:


> If you are as attractive and get as much male attention as you say, then why aren't you to busy dating and being involved with single men?
> 
> If your social calendar was full with single men, you wouldn't have time to be having the hots for some single guy that was giving you the eye.
> 
> Why aren't you dating single men?
> 
> While are you spending all this time and emotional energy being hung up on some guy that is married and has a wife of his own?
> 
> What are you so interested in someone with so much baggage?


I do date (single) guys. My attraction to the guy at work hasn't stopped me from meeting other guys and dating. I just REALLY like him and happen to like him more than anyone that have dated recently.


----------



## *Deidre*

Why would you ''really like'' a deceptive guy, though? A guy that you didn't even know was married because he hides it. I don't get what is attractive about a liar.


----------



## LADoll

MrsHolland said:


> Apart from the fact that you are in lala land what is really naive is to even entertain the thought of being with a married co worker who is also the cousin of your boss, who do you think will get sacked if you have an affair with a married man? For anyone to put themselves in this position shows some serious self esteem issues.


Again, I did not know that he was married when he first began to work at my company. I did not learn that he was married until he had been there for 6-7 months (about 3-4 months ago). I think that it is a huge stretch to say that I have serious self esteem issues because I am attracted to a man at my job. I would not want to have a physical affair with him. I want him to become unencumbered so that I could date him. And my boss had an affair at work a few years ago so I think that I don't have much to worry about in my sanitized, vanilla ice cream, Disneyland version of a liaison.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Forgetting about the fact that he is married, if a guy is into you they will let you know *clearly* It won't be subtle looks and hints. That's you projecting. 

You don't really like him. You don't know him. How many actual, non work conversations have you had with him? 

You'll have chemistry and spark with many, many men over your lifetime. You have to then figure out if they are also right for you. You only have 1 part that is not a "once in a lifetime" thing.


----------



## LADoll

*Deidre* said:


> Unfortunately, many married guys stay with their wives, AND have affairs with no intentions of leaving the marriage. Lying to both women, the whole time. Many don't leave their wives, even if they're unhappy. That's more likely what you'll end up in if you nurture this fantasy, and don't discourage his advances. You'll just be a mistress, and his wife will always be his wife. I'm not saying you're interested in becoming his mistress, but I'm pretty sure most mistresses want more than what they end up with.


Or he could be on the verge of getting out of an unfulfilled marriage. Who knows?

However, I have no intentions of becoming a mistress. If I truly wanted to be a mistress it would be with one of the MANY sugar daddy types that are prevalent in my area. I have turned down those types in the past. I am not interested in being a sugar baby/mistress. 

Again, I have purposely not gone out with him or hung out with him (alone or in a group). I purposely park on the opposite side of the building, take lunch at a different time, use a different entrance/exit to the building, etc. so that I don't encounter him as often but still....when I do....I can not help how I feel. 

I am new to this board but I get the feeling that anyone who is not a long suffering wife is shown little mercy and the worst is assumed. I am not a homewrecker. I am not the office Jezebel. I am not a sad and lonely crazy cat lady with no dates. I am none of those things. And everything is not always just black and white. People do have inconvenient and inappropriate connections and chemistry with others. It truly does not make me a "bad" person to not be able to just turn off my attraction to someone.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It is unlikely that he leaves his wife anytime in the next few years. 

It is likely they will have children soon. 

It is unlikely that even if he does divorce that he starts to date you. You are just some girl from work. He has friends and suitors in his home life. You are one of many he flirts with. Most men would rather not date from work. 

Most of all it is unlikely that even if he divorces and then dates you that it'll last. 
Reality can not compare with fantasy and when you start a relationship on a fantasy you can't go backwards. 
You will be very disappointed that he isn't your soul mate but just someone who likes to flirt with lots of girls and doesn't know how to work on a relationship when it dips. 

You can stop. Realize what it really is and what it's not and go out to find someone who actually wants and can be in a relationship with you. 
You must be very young, more experience will help you with your picking and separating fact from fantasy.


----------



## MrsHolland

LADoll said:


> Again, I did not know that he was married when he first began to work at my company. I did not learn that he was married until he had been there for 6-7 months (about 3-4 months ago). I think that it is a huge stretch to say that I have serious self esteem issues because I am attracted to a man at my job. I would not want to have a physical affair with him. I want him to become unencumbered so that I could date him. And my boss had an affair at work a few years ago so I think that I don't have much to worry about in my sanitized, vanilla ice cream, Disneyland version of a liaison.


No, your self esteem issues are apparent because you are entertaining the thought that he may leave his wife. You are asking questions about people that think they married the wrong person and hoping this guy will leave his wife. Why would anyone that has even a tiny bit of good self esteem be wasting energy on this fantasy?

A person with good self esteem would be turned off by such a man yet you are allowing yourself to buy into this.


----------



## *Deidre*

LADoll said:


> Or he could be on the verge of getting out of an unfulfilled marriage. Who knows?
> 
> However, I have no intentions of becoming a mistress. If I truly wanted to be a mistress it would be with one of the MANY sugar daddy types that are prevalent in my area. I have turned down those types in the past. I am not interested in being a sugar baby/mistress.
> 
> Again, I have purposely not gone out with him or hung out with him (alone or in a group). I purposely park on the opposite side of the building, take lunch at a different time, use a different entrance/exit to the building, etc. so that I don't encounter him as often but still....when I do....I can not help how I feel.
> 
> I am new to this board but I get the feeling that anyone who is not a long suffering wife is shown little mercy and the worst is assumed. I am not a homewrecker. I am not the office Jezebel. I am not a sad and lonely crazy cat lady with no dates. I am none of those things. And everything is not always just black and white. People do have inconvenient and inappropriate connections and chemistry with others. It truly does not make me a "bad" person to not be able to just turn off my attraction to someone.


I recently got married this year so I don't have any personal experiences related to cheating, etc. But, I have seen a few friends who haven't been married long, have to deal with infidelity and have read stories on here, and it all starts out very innocent, and slow at first. If this guy wants to have an affair with you, he'll probably start by asking you to lunch, then confiding in you, then texting with you. You will be always be a secret. I'm not saying you're a bad person to feel attraction to him, but your thread title suggests that you're thinking of yourself as possibly becoming the OW. My advice would be to avoid him unless it's professional. You will have a broken heart if you allow him to make any advances. Attraction can be a powerful thing though, I get it. But, with the wrong guy, it will be the worst thing ever.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Forgetting about the fact that he is married, if a guy is into you they will let you know *clearly* It won't be subtle looks and hints. That's you projecting.
> 
> You don't really like him. You don't know him. How many actual, non work conversations have you had with him?
> 
> You'll have chemistry and spark with many, many men over your lifetime. You have to then figure out if they are also right for you. You only have 1 part that is not a "once in a lifetime" thing.


If he is unavailable then he can't be crystal clear. 

I have experienced guys who are straightforward and direct about how they feel and I have also experienced guys who have had to work up the nerve to let me know how they feel about me. 

I do not have a need to project onto him. I know what I am experiencing. We work in different departments so it isn't necessary for me to speak with him daily. But his dept is next to mine and I am in his line of sight from his desk. He comes into my dept to talk to my boss. If my boss it at my desk and we are obviously having a non-work convo then he will often come over to join (smile and stare). Or if male coworkers are visiting at my desk he will make a beeline to my desk and join the convo or pretend to ask a work related question (he never does it if they are female coworkers). 

Again, I tend to be shy and reserved (yet still friendly) so I do not initiate conversations. There have been a few times when he will come to my desk and ask me a question that I know that he already knows the answer. I have had non-work related convos with him with others present but not alone one-on-one. And I have mentioned other things in a previous post. 

I know when a guy likes me....this one just happens to be unavailable. I love the way that he looks at me and love his smile....and the sound of his voice and his sense of style.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

He's a flirt. He flirts with many. You're the one he flirts with at work. 
You aren't special to him. I know that sounds harsh but you're turning flirting into something it's not. It's not a relationship of any kind. 
He's just a guy you know nothing about that has poor boundaries. If you were with him he'd be off flirting with other girls. 

At best you're a fantasy to him too Fantasies are always better than real life and marriage isn't all cute looks and flutter feelings. 

Him and his wife have history. Love. A home. They know each other's families and each other. They see the dirty laundry and when they have the flu and puke all over everything. They fight and make up. That is a relationship. And he sucks at it. 

You love someone based on who they are, not how cute their smile is. And you don't know him. His wife knows him.


----------



## MrsHolland

LADoll said:


> If he is unavailable then he can't be crystal clear.
> 
> I have experienced guys who are straightforward and direct about how they feel and I have also experienced guys who have had to work up the nerve to let me know how they feel about me.
> 
> I do not have a need to project onto him. I know what I am experiencing. We work in different departments so it isn't necessary for me to speak with him daily. But his dept is next to mine and I am in his line of sight from his desk. He comes into my dept to talk to my boss. If my boss it at my desk and we are obviously having a non-work convo then he will often come over to join (smile and stare). Or if male coworkers are visiting at my desk he will make a beeline to my desk and join the convo or pretend to ask a work related question (he never does it if they are female coworkers).
> 
> Again, I tend to be shy and reserved (yet still friendly) so I do not initiate conversations. There have been a few times when he will come to my desk and ask me a question that I know that he already knows the answer. I have had non-work related convos with him with others present but not alone one-on-one. And I have mentioned other things in a previous post.
> 
> *I know when a guy likes me....this one just happens to be unavailable. I love the way that he looks at me and love his smile....and the sound of his voice and his sense of style*.


lol no he likes the *look *of you, he doesn't know you so how can he like you for anything other than the fantasy. 

Have you ever had a real relationship?


----------



## LADoll

MrsHolland said:


> lol no he likes the *look *of you, he doesn't know you so how can he like you for anything other than the fantasy.
> 
> Have you ever had a real relationship?


Yes, of course. Most relationships start with mutual attraction, true? And yes, men are usually visual creatures.


----------



## Bibi1031

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You must be very young, more experience will help you with your picking and separating fact from fantasy.


That was my take on this OP as well. Emotional maturity brings that separation between fact and fantasy. Just the fact that this married man prompted you to post for the first time on this forum speaks volumnes as to just how far your infatuation truly goes. If he really was that into you and so miserable in his marriage, a piece of paper would mean silch, but he doesn't ask you out does he?

You are reading way too much into this very one sided imature infatuation.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

*Re: I am the potential "other" wo*



LADoll said:


> Yes, of course. Most relationships start with mutual attraction, true? And yes, men are usually visual creatures.


Start yes, you'll have mutual attraction to dozens of men. He has mutual attraction with other woman. 

Once you get past that first initial step there is a while list of other things before you get to "like" and even more before "love" 

This isn't high school where the cute boy asks you out and you hold hands down the hallway. 

Relationships are about actually knowing someone and having mutual compatiblity. In what ways is he compatible with you?


----------



## MrsHolland

LADoll said:


> Yes, of course. Most relationships start with mutual attraction, true? And yes, men are usually visual creatures.


Healthy relationships start with a level playing field. 

Men and women are visual.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He's a flirt. He flirts with many. You're the one he flirts with at work.
> You aren't special to him. I know that sounds harsh but you're turning flirting into something it's not. It's not a relationship of any kind.
> He's just a guy you know nothing about that has poor boundaries. If you were with him he'd be off flirting with other girls.
> 
> At best you're a fantasy to him too Fantasies are always better than real life and marriage isn't all cute looks and flutter feelings.
> 
> Him and his wife have history. Love. A home. They know each other's families and each other. They see the dirty laundry and when they have the flu and puke all over everything. They fight and make up. That is a relationship. And he sucks at it.
> 
> You love someone based on who they are, not how cute their smile is. And you don't know him. His wife knows him.


But aren't you also just making assumptions about him as well? 

You are making assumptions about how he feels simply because if the context of the discussion and not because you know it to be the truth. No one can honestly say that they know another person's heart or desires.

You are also projecting your experience onto a man that you don't know and assuming things about his life and his marriage. Does having history or knowing your spouse's family mean that you can not fall out of love? 

Men and women fall in and out of love with their spouses. It happens. People marry who are not compatible. That happens, too. Unavailable people flirt. Yes, of course. And people sometimes want someone to whom they are not married. 

Also, I never stated that I was in fully love with him but I did say that it was a love at first sight feeling. And yes I have experienced that before. 

So just flirting or are they true feelings? No one else can truly answer that except for us as individuals. 

Time will tell or it will simply move us along. 

Again, I am new to this site but I have skimmed through numerous threads of decades long unhappy, loveless, sexless, abusive marriages. And it is baffling to me that people stay with people who do not make them happy. Men who are married to women that do not want them sexually. Women married to men who are verbally abusive. And yes, spouses who cheat. So I am sorry if I come across as naive or inexperienced because of my **feelings** but I have never stayed in a relationship with a man with whom I was not happy.


----------



## LADoll

*Re: I am the potential "other" wo*



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Start yes, you'll have mutual attraction to dozens of men. He has mutual attraction with other woman.
> 
> Once you get past that first initial step there is a while list of other things before you get to "like" and even more before "love"
> 
> This isn't high school where the cute boy asks you out and you hold hands down the hallway.
> 
> Relationships are about actually knowing someone and having mutual compatiblity. In what ways is he compatible with you?


But I never said that I was in a relationship. I truly do understand what it happens to be. I just REALLY like him. We have a mutual attraction. And he is (currently) unavailable. 

I know that you probably mean well overall but you truly do not know what he is thinking. Love is not an equation. You truly are not able to say definitively what is in someone else's heart or mind.


----------



## MJJEAN

Men and women commonly find many physically attractive. It's not a "feeling" so much as a chemical reaction. In other words, without more, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of things. 
If you're reading him correctly and he's attracted to you it doesn't mean he's no longer attracted to his wife. Most people find themselves attracted to multiple people at the same time at least once in their lives.

If he were miserable in his marriage he'd divorce. It's a short term marriage, I believe you said. I don't recall mention of children. So, custody and finances/assets aren't a concern. That means he's married because he wants to be.


----------



## MrsHolland

*Re: I am the potential "other" wo*



LADoll said:


> But I never said that I was in a relationship. I truly do understand what it happens to be. I just REALLY like him. We have a mutual attraction. And he is (currently) unavailable.
> 
> I know that you probably mean well overall but you truly do not know what he is thinking. Love is not an equation. *You truly are not able to say definitively what is in someone else's heart or mind*.


And neither are you. I'm going to take guess though and say it is sex that is on his mind, not what an amazing partner he thinks you will be.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

*Re: I am the potential "other" wo*



LADoll said:


> But I never said that I was in a relationship. I truly do understand what it happens to be. I just REALLY like him. We have a mutual attraction. And he is (currently) unavailable.
> 
> I know that you probably mean well overall but you truly do not know what he is thinking. Love is not an equation. You truly are not able to say definitively what is in someone else's heart or mind.


What do you REALLY like about him other than his looks? 

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It's been months and months of this "thing" you've been having. Plenty of time for him to have left his wife to be available to you. He hasn't. If he felt the same as you do, he would have. 

You have 0 idea what is in his heart and mind. 

I'm feeling that you also have decided an awful lot about his marriage off one conversation you overheard. People complain about their spouse. Doesn't mean they are going to leave. They have rough spots that they work through. That is marriage. Ups and downs. 

There is a million things you don't know about their marriage. You have 0 reason to believe you would be any more compatible with him.


----------



## LADoll

MJJEAN said:


> Men and women commonly find many physically attractive. It's not a "feeling" so much as a chemical reaction. In other words, without more, it's meaningless in the grand scheme of things.
> If you're reading him correctly and he's attracted to you it doesn't mean he's no longer attracted to his wife. Most people find themselves attracted to multiple people at the same time at least once in their lives.
> 
> If he were miserable in his marriage he'd divorce. It's a short term marriage, I believe you said. I don't recall mention of children. So, custody and finances/assets aren't a concern. That means he's married because he wants to be.


I don't know if he is miserable in his marriage but in the conversation that I overheard him discussing his wife with a male coworker (which was the first time I had ever heard any mention of him being married by him or anyone else) he was complaining about her not doing anything so he was trying to get her to enroll at a local community college and they were having a lack of intimacy which he chalked up to her being young. I do not know how old she is but he is 29-30ish. I don't think that they have children. 

Now that I am thinking about it I have NEVER heard my boss (his cousin) ask him about or mention his wife. I have never heard her name. And I have never heard him say "we" when talking about what he did over the weekend, etc. And he has been with the company for about a year.


----------



## happy as a clam

LADoll said:


> I do date (single) guys. My attraction to the guy at work hasn't stopped me from meeting other guys and dating. *I just REALLY like him and happen to like him more than anyone that have dated recently.*


Well, he just HAPPENS to be married, so it's your misfortune that you like him more than the single dudes you've been out with.

Leave him alone.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Omg You don't even know enough about him to know if he has kids or not and you REALLY like him. 

Again, based on what exactly? Other than you think he's cute? 

You're hoping this man leaves his wife so you can date him and you don't even know a thing about him. 
You can not like someone you don't know.


----------



## samyeagar

LADoll said:


> I don't know if he is miserable in his marriage but in the conversation that I overheard him discussing his wife with a male coworker (which was the first time I had ever heard any mention of him being married by him or anyone else) he was complaining about her not doing anything so he was trying to get her to enroll at a local community college and they were having a lack of intimacy which he chalked up to her being young. I do not know how old she is but he is 29-30ish. I don't think that they have children.
> 
> Now that I am thinking about it I have NEVER heard my boss (his cousin) ask him about or mention his wife. I have never heard her name. And I have never heard him say "we" when talking about what he did over the weekend, etc. And he has been with the company for about a year.


Why don't you ask him what his wife's name is?


----------



## LADoll

samyeagar said:


> Why don't you ask him what his wife's name is?


Why would I if he's never mentioned her?


----------



## happy as a clam

samyeagar said:


> Why don't you ask him what his wife's name is?


Good idea.

Also, ask him why he glares at you across the cubicles (quite possessively I might add). And why he glares at male coworkers who happen to strike up a conversation with you. Honestly, sounds a bit stalker-like and creeper-ish to me.

You are on a pro-marriage/pro-LTR forum. Do you really believe you will find the advice you want to hear at this little corner of the internet--the green light to go ahead and bust up his marriage and shag this dude?


----------



## Bibi1031

LADoll said:


> Why would I if he's never mentioned her?


To let him know that just because he doesn't talk to you about her doesn't mean he can pull the wool over your eyes so to speak. You are on to his foolish games. He will know that he is not such a suave player after all, but just another fool playing at Don Juan.

I could state more reasons, but that would be over kill.


----------



## LADoll

happy as a clam said:


> Good idea.
> 
> Also, ask him why he glares at you across the cubicles (quite possessively I might add). And why he glares at male coworkers who happen to strike up a conversation with you. Honestly, sounds a bit stalker-like and creeper-ish to me.
> 
> You are on a pro-marriage/pro-LTR forum. Do you really believe you will find the advice you want to hear at this little corner of the internet--the green light to go ahead and bust up his marriage and shag this dude?


I have received some good feedback on my situation so I don't regret posting about it here. I wasn't looking for permission of any sort but just honest feedback. Although some of you are a wee bit mean spirited.

And I do understand some of the replies. Sometimes men stare. I do get it. Sometimes it means something and other times it means nothing. 

This situation with the married guy actually reminds me of how my relationship started with my boyfriend in sophomore year of college. He had a girlfriend when we met (whom he would complain about). He would always try to be near me and flirt relentlessly but wouldn't ask me out. I was mutually attracted to him but I don't date guys in relationships. Months later he broke up with her and asked me out the next day. We were together for nearly two years. He knew that he wanted to be with me the first time that he saw me. He ended that relationship to be with me. I never asked him to do so but I was glad that he did.


----------



## Rick Blaine

I guess you are here to use this as your own sounding board to rationalize your attraction to a scoundrel. Without regard to his poor wife you have chalked up his marriage as a lost cause. And you right. But not because they became unhappy together in two short years. Rather because she married a serial cheater. I've seen guys like him before. They find a script and work it over and over without wavering from it. Same tactics, same words, same approach. Why? Because it works 100% of the time on certain women. Not all women. But certain ones. And if it works 100% on some woman that is a damn good gig Prince Charming has going on.

If you let your guard down you might be putting a merciful end to the marriage. Again, not because they are unhappy as you would like to believe, but because this poor lady is being cheated on by her POS husband. The sooner she gets out the better. That's more on him than anyone else. But home wreckers are home wreckers and no amount of rationalization on God's green earth can change the label.


----------



## Rick Blaine

LADoll said:


> I have received some good feedback on my situation so I don't regret posting about it here. I wasn't looking for permission of any sort but just honest feedback. Although some of you are a wee bit mean spirited.
> 
> And I do understand some of the replies. Sometimes men stare. I do get it. Sometimes it means something and other times it means nothing.
> 
> *This situation with the married guy actually reminds me of how my relationship started with my boyfriend in sophomore year of college. He had a girlfriend when we met *(whom he would complain about). He would always try to be near me and flirt relentlessly but wouldn't ask me out. I was mutually attracted to him but I don't date guys in relationships. Months later he broke up with her and asked me out the next day. We were together for nearly two years. He knew that he wanted to be with me the first time that he saw me. He ended that relationship to be with me. I never asked him to do so but I was glad that he did.


Okay, so this guy is not your first rodeo. Not being mean spirited. Mean spirited is stealing other gals' men.


----------



## Dannip

A damsel in white shining armor. Out to save a married man from his marriage. Is that it? Some women are attracted to guys with girl friends or wives. 

Their logic is - well, if they are taken they must be worth it. Then they go after him. 

Ignore the available single guys. Since they aren't taken, no one wants them. So they must be yucky. 

Close?


----------



## LADoll

Rick Blaine said:


> Okay, so this guy is not your first rodeo. Not being mean spirited. Mean spirited is stealing other gals' men.


You CONVENIENTLY left out the most important part so I will highlight it for you!



LADoll said:


> I have received some good feedback on my situation so I don't regret posting about it here. I wasn't looking for permission of any sort but just honest feedback. Although some of you are a wee bit mean spirited.
> 
> And I do understand some of the replies. Sometimes men stare. I do get it. Sometimes it means something and other times it means nothing.
> 
> This situation with the married guy actually reminds me of how *my relationship started with my boyfriend in sophomore year of college. He had a girlfriend when we met (whom he would complain about). He would always try to be near me and flirt relentlessly but wouldn't ask me out. I was mutually attracted to him but I don't date guys in relationships. Months later he broke up with her and asked me out the next day.* We were together for nearly two years. He knew that he wanted to be with me the first time that he saw me. He ended that relationship to be with me. I never asked him to do so but I was glad that he did.


----------



## LADoll

Dannip said:


> A damsel in white shining armor. Out to save a married man from his marriage. Is that it? Some women are attracted to guys with girl friends or wives.
> 
> Their logic is - well, if they are taken they must be worth it. Then they go after him.
> 
> Ignore the available single guys. Since they aren't taken, no one wants them. So they must be yucky.
> 
> Close?


No. Not at all.


----------



## Dannip

LADoll said:


> No. Not at all.


Oh ok. 

I did read this though:

This situation with the married guy actually reminds me of how my relationship started with my boyfriend in sophomore year of college. He had a girlfriend when we met (whom he would complain about). He would always try to be near me and flirt relentlessly but wouldn't ask me out. I was mutually attracted to him but I don't date guys in relationships. Months later he broke up with her and asked me out the next day. We were together for nearly two years. He knew that he wanted to be with me the first time that he saw me. He ended that relationship to be with me. I never asked him to do so but I was glad that he did.


----------



## happy as a clam

"Oh, woe be to the silly musings of trite office liaisons... " @SunCMars help me out here with my poetic ineptness.

This thread seems like ban-bait....


----------



## LADoll

Dannip said:


> Oh ok.
> 
> I did read this though:
> 
> This situation with the married guy actually reminds me of how my relationship started with my boyfriend in sophomore year of college. He had a girlfriend when we met (whom he would complain about). He would always try to be near me and flirt relentlessly but wouldn't ask me out. I was mutually attracted to him but I don't date guys in relationships. Months later he broke up with her and asked me out the next day. We were together for nearly two years. He knew that he wanted to be with me the first time that he saw me. He ended that relationship to be with me. I never asked him to do so but I was glad that he did.


I was just commenting that I had experienced a similar situation. Not the same of course. Sometimes people who are in a relationship meet someone else that they want more. I never asked my ex-boyfriend to break up with his girlfriend. He decided that he wanted to be with me so he ended his relationship with his high school girlfriend.


----------



## Dannip

OP. 

Focus on work, not other guys in the office. Annual reviews work out better that way. Don't worry about attracting guys. I'd guess you're attractive and charming. Just stay cheerful. You'll run into the right guy. 

No worries. 

Maintain your boundaries and values. Without them, you're lost. Forever refuse a married guy's advances. Even after divorce if you're the reason. That should never happen. 

What would your next serious boy friend think. I'd say he'd be creeped out enough to kinda wonder about you as long term relationship material. 

After you're married, will your behavior and thoughts change? Would you dump your husband for the next hot guy that just started working there? Work on you.


----------



## Rick Blaine

LADoll said:


> You CONVENIENTLY left out the most important part so I will highlight it for you!


And you follow that up with, "And he left that relationship to be with me. And I am glad he did."

Yup. Their is a selfish and cruel thought process and pattern going on here. I hope you see it and try to reconcile it.


----------



## happy as a clam

OP... how old are you? And can you shed some light on your industry (marketing firm, tech, call center, advance payroll check-ca$hing, etc.)?

Having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. You should report his inappropriate glaring to your HR department.


----------



## LADoll

Dannip said:


> OP.
> 
> Focus on work, not other guys in the office. Annual reviews work out better that way. Don't worry about attracting guys. I'd guess your attractive and charming. Just stay cheerful. You'll run into the right guy.
> 
> No worries.
> 
> Maintain your boundaries and values. Without them, you're lost. Forever refuse a married guy's advances. Even after divorce if you're the reason. That should never happen.
> 
> What would your next serious boy friend think. I'd say he'd be creeped out enough to kinda wonder about you as long term relationship material.
> 
> After you're married, will your behavior and thoughts change? Would you dump your husband for the next hot guy that just started working there? Work on you.


Thank you


----------



## Dannip

LADoll said:


> I was just commenting that I had experienced a similar situation. Not the same of course. Sometimes people who are in a relationship meet someone else that they want more. I never asked my ex-boyfriend to break up with his girlfriend. He decided that he wanted to be with me so he ended his relationship with his high school girlfriend.


Understood. Admit though - the dynamics are identical. That's the point.


----------



## Red Sonja

LADoll said:


> I am new here so please be kind.
> 
> I think that I may be having an emotional affair with a married man. He started working at my company about a year ago. The first time that we met our eyes locked and it truly felt like a love at first sight moment. I am fairly shy with men so I definitely didn't hold the gaze for long. But from the very first day we met, he is ALWAYS staring or gazing at me. I catch him looking at me all of the time and he constantly finds ways to be near me (at meetings, in group conversations, etc.) A few times he has somewhat gestured as if he was smelling my hair (or whatever) and has purposely brushed up against me when we have passed in the hallway.
> 
> I did not find out that he was married until several months after I met him. He doesn't wear a wedding band. He has no pics of his wife in his workspace. He has NEVER even mentioned that he is married or even said his wife's name. And I found out that he had asked a few coworkers about me. I am not a flirt but I do get my fir share of attention from guys at work (platonic on my part and perhaps some crushes on theirs). He glares whenever other men at work talk to me when its obviously not work related and he has made a beeline to my side when other guys come around.
> 
> A few months ago I overheard a conversation that he had with a male coworker about his wife. He was expressing a few marital problems and asking the guy for advice. The nature of the marital discourse is a lack of maturity and intimacy. And he basically is bored in his 2 yr marriage. I do think that I could ever have a physical affair but I do feel an emotional connection with him. *I find myself wishing and hoping that he will leave his young and unhappy marriage.*


I have a question for the TAM members involved in this thread ... *why are you giving attention to this OP's narcissistic fantasy?*

:slap:


----------



## LADoll

Rick Blaine said:


> And you follow that up with, "And he left that relationship to be with me. And I am glad he did."
> 
> Yup. Their is a selfish and cruel thought process and pattern going on here. I hope you see it and try to reconcile it.


My intention really was not to be cruel. I have to be honest and say that I _was_ glad that he broke up with her. I did not ask him to break up with her. I didn't even realize that he truly wanted a relationship with me. And I do believe that it did cause her a lot of pain. I didn't take pleasure in knowing that she was suffering. He did share with me that he was her first and that she was trying to cling onto him so that they could have a "traditional" life together but that isn't what he wanted. She begged him not to break up with her and tried to convince his mother to discourage him from leaving her. But had he never broken up with her I would have missed out on one of the greatest loves of my life. We had an amazing relationship and we forever changed each other in amazing ways. He said that he never would have been able to become the person that he really wanted to be if he was with her because she had a very limited outlook on life and he is such a dynamic human being. We are still friends and his accomplishments still amaze me. He is the most limitless man I have ever known.


----------



## LADoll

Dannip said:


> Understood. Admit though - the dynamics are identical. That's the point.


I had not though about that relationship or how we got together for a while. And I hadn't though about the similarities until I started responding to posts in this thread. So yes, I understand.


----------



## LADoll

happy as a clam said:


> OP... how old are you? And can you shed some light on your industry (marketing firm, tech, call center, advance payroll check-ca$hing, etc.)?
> 
> Having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. You should report his inappropriate glaring to your HR department.


I don't want to give a lot of personal details but I do work for a Fortune 500 company. Everyone in my department (including myself) has a bachelor's degree or higher.


----------



## happy as a clam

LADoll said:


> I don't want to give a lot of personal details but I do work for a Fortune 500 company. Everyone in my department (including myself) has a bachelor's degree or higher.


I also work for a "Fortune 500" company (actually a Fortune 50) but your college degree response is irrelevant. My boss, who earns in the neighborhood of $3M+ has only a *high school degree* and started in our industry as a pizza delivery man.

More interested in your industry, not your pedigree.


----------



## happy as a clam

Red Sonja said:


> I have a question for the TAM members involved in this thread ... *why are you giving attention to this OP's narcissistic fantasy?*
> 
> :slap:


Agree (as I slap myself upside the head)! Why am I torturing myself?


----------



## citygirl4344

This has become ridiculous.
You have come to the wrong place if you were looking for the response other than what you received.
If you need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you that. Cheating is wrong then I question your character and ethics. You have counter pointed everything said.
You are too young and immature to even be on this site IMO.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## happy as a clam

citygirl4344 said:


> This has become ridiculous.
> You have come to the wrong place if you were looking for the response other than what you received.
> If you need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you that. Cheating is wrong then I question your character and ethics. You have counter pointed everything said.
> You are too young and immature to even be on this site IMO.


Couldn't agree more! 

Questioning this whole thread...? :scratchhead:


----------



## Satya

I say go for it. 

The first question you can ask him is when his divorce is going to be final.


----------



## happy as a clam

Satya said:


> The *first question* you can ask him is when his divorce is going to be final.


And the second question... "Now that you're mine, can you tell all the other Girl Fridays in the office to back off?"

Third question...
"Who's next?"


----------



## MrsHolland

happy as a clam said:


> OP... how old are you? *And can you shed some light on your industry *(marketing firm, tech, call center, advance payroll check-ca$hing, etc.)?
> 
> Having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. You should report his inappropriate glaring to your HR department.


Maccas


----------



## aine

LADoll said:


> My intention really was not to be cruel. I have to be honest and say that I _was_ glad that he broke up with her. I did not ask him to break up with her. I didn't even realize that he truly wanted a relationship with me. And I do believe that it did cause her a lot of pain. I didn't take pleasure in knowing that she was suffering. He did share with me that he was her first and that she was trying to cling onto him so that they could have a "traditional" life together but that isn't what he wanted. She begged him not to break up with her and tried to convince his mother to discourage him from leaving her. But had he never broken up with her I would have missed out on one of the greatest loves of my life. We had an amazing relationship and we forever changed each other in amazing ways. He said that he never would have been able to become the person that he really wanted to be if he was with her because she had a very limited outlook on life and he is such a dynamic human being. We are still friends and his accomplishments still amaze me. He is the most limitless man I have ever known.


If your ex was so amazing and your love was so amazing and the 'greatest love of your life' then why aren't you still together, something seems really off about you and all of this. And before you start whinging about the 'mean spirited' people on this page, why keep coming back for more. I think you are enjoying the attention here.


----------



## Yag-Kosha

Oh, I didn't know there was a thread on here where we could wish for things.

I want to lose 20 lbs by tomorrow and I want world peace and a flying pony that can take me to different places. 

Please.


----------



## lucy999

LADoll said:


> but I don't date guys in relationships.


Stupendous, now adhere to that self-imposed rule in this scenario, too.

You don't want to be a member of the Homewrecking Club. Because once you become a member, you are a member for life.

And I realize the written word can be misinterpreted so please know that I am not saying this with a mean-spirited tone. But, you are not a special snowflake to him. You're a piece of ass. Do not think for one minute you are special.

You have no earthly idea what his marriage is like. Stay out of it.


----------



## thefam

IF this thread is authentic I find it quite fascinating. I don't mean this to be disparaging to you at all OP but I have often wondered at this type of thinking. I realize you have not acted on your thoughts and I also realize that we all have our faults, strengths and weaknesses. 

But I have often wondered what the thought pattern is of women who would entertain thoughts of having a chance with a married man. Now I know. Fascinating. LAdoll you seem like an accomplished woman who is attractive and somewhat reserved from the picture you have painted of yourself. So it really is not how I would typically picture someone who could have feelings like this and really hope to have a chance that something would come of it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Enjoying when other men leave one woman for you. 
You don't like them, you just want to win. You want to feel like you are better. There is an ego boost when you are chosen over another woman. 

Once they leave and are with you, you will lose that "spark" and it won't be as fun anymore. 

Since you clearly don't REALLY like this man you know nothing about, you like the idea of a man leaving his wife for you. That you are so much better and more worthy. 

That's what you REALLY like. The fantasy that you can get anyone you want because you're better. 

There are some guys like this too. They like the chase of being able to get unavailable woman to boost their ego and then get bored and move on to the next when they get them. 

For all the talk and ego, it's really a sign of insecurity and low self esteem. I suggest OP work on herself to find real confidence and not "talk confidence" so she can find partners and not ego boosts


----------



## Deperatedwoman

Stay away from him!!


----------



## kmetoyer

How can you have an emotional affair or feel so deeply connected to this man if you have limited your interaction with him at work and out side of work? In order to have an emotional bond or feel so deeply connected with someone, you have to have conversations and spend time together. If you think that a simple first glance can cause you and him to be so deeply connected, then I would have to guess that your age is somewhere around 12 or 13. 

This is a married man, who made the choice to hide his marriage in several different ways,and pursue another woman. That should be a big red flag for anyone out there. Have you never heard the saying, if they cheat with you they will cheat on you? There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone who ISN'T bound by vows to someone else. There is nothing special about you because he is fawning over you instead of his wife, that's what creeps do. Put yourself in her shoes, you have no idea how she is, and maybe the 'marital issues' are all things that he has made up. It would be best if you just walked away and left this situation alone. 

And saying that you could be a homewrecker if you really wanted to....that's about as classless as actually doing it.


----------



## LaReine

*I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*

There is only one reason why he would "hide" his marriage- he is looking for sex wherever he can get it and he has decided you will give it to him.

Please please for the sake of yourself, remove yourself from him at all times. He is getting possessive of you because he can SEE your feelings. 
Stay away.


ETA: yes people can meet "the one" while already married. But "the one" will be open and honest with you. Not sleazy and deceitful

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LaReine said:


> ETA: yes people can meet "the one" while already married.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Even this is dangerous talk. There are 6+billion people in the world. There is more than just "the one." If "the one" honest about being married, it is still an abdication of his vows, so it is an oxymoron that a married "the one" can be above board in pursuing a relationship outside the marriage. If "the one" will honestly leave his wife for you, he will "honestly" leave your for the next "the one" he finds. 

If "The one" is married, keep looking for another "the one." He/she is out there. Don't debase yourself by thinking there is only one "the one."


----------



## Anthony Wellers

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You really know nothing about him. You don't want to be with someone who has horrible boundaries. You have a fantasy of who he is. He's not that person.
> 
> It doesn't sound like an emotional affair. A crush maybe but it doesn't sound like you even talk that much.


A crush was my first thought too.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I already know how this is going to sound even before I write it but....
> 
> Don't people sometimes meet "the one" after they have already married someone else?
> 
> And I purposely do not speak or interact with him very much even when he places himself in my area. My actions towards him are not encouraging but I do feel a connection with him. I try to ignore him as much as possible and not give him any indication that I reciprocate his attention/feelings. I think that if I were to speak to him or engage him that a true emotional affair would begin.
> 
> I know that it is a self centered wish but I do hope that he becomes single in the not so distance future. Yes, I know that sounds awful. And yes, I have thought of his wife. I wonder if she is sweet and kind or something else that is not so nice. Is she boring and not very stimulating? I also wonder how a newly married man can have such a strong (sexual/physical ?) attraction to someone else (me) if the wife is taking care of his "needs" at home. Do happily, newly married men stray? Why would a man stay in a miserable marital situation? Why be unhappy or unfulfilled?
> 
> I do not wish to be the catalyst for it but I truly would like for him to become "available" if his marriage is not a happy one.


He is spoken for, and what sort of man flirts with another woman when they are married and wears no ring? You are playing with fire.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> My intention really was not to be cruel. I have to be honest and say that I _was_ glad that he broke up with her. I did not ask him to break up with her. I didn't even realize that he truly wanted a relationship with me. And I do believe that it did cause her a lot of pain. I didn't take pleasure in knowing that she was suffering. He did share with me that he was her first and that she was trying to cling onto him so that they could have a "traditional" life together but that isn't what he wanted. She begged him not to break up with her and tried to convince his mother to discourage him from leaving her. But had he never broken up with her I would have missed out on one of the greatest loves of my life. We had an amazing relationship and we forever changed each other in amazing ways. He said that he never would have been able to become the person that he really wanted to be if he was with her because she had a very limited outlook on life and he is such a dynamic human being. We are still friends and his accomplishments still amaze me. He is the most limitless man I have ever known.


and yet it didn't last did it.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> Or he could be on the verge of getting out of an unfulfilled marriage. Who knows?
> 
> However, I have no intentions of becoming a mistress. If I truly wanted to be a mistress it would be with one of the MANY sugar daddy types that are prevalent in my area. I have turned down those types in the past. I am not interested in being a sugar baby/mistress.
> 
> Again, I have purposely not gone out with him or hung out with him (alone or in a group). I purposely park on the opposite side of the building, take lunch at a different time, use a different entrance/exit to the building, etc. so that I don't encounter him as often but still....when I do....I can not help how I feel.
> 
> I am new to this board but I get the feeling that anyone who is not a long suffering wife is shown little mercy and the worst is assumed. I am not a homewrecker. I am not the office Jezebel. I am not a sad and lonely crazy cat lady with no dates. I am none of those things. And everything is not always just black and white. People do have inconvenient and inappropriate connections and chemistry with others. It truly does not make me a "bad" person to not be able to just turn off my attraction to someone.


and yet you are hoping that his marriage breaks up. :frown2::frown2:


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> If he is unavailable then he can't be crystal clear.
> 
> I have experienced guys who are straightforward and direct about how they feel and I have also experienced guys who have had to work up the nerve to let me know how they feel about me.
> 
> I do not have a need to project onto him. I know what I am experiencing. We work in different departments so it isn't necessary for me to speak with him daily. But his dept is next to mine and I am in his line of sight from his desk. He comes into my dept to talk to my boss. If my boss it at my desk and we are obviously having a non-work convo then he will often come over to join (smile and stare). Or if male coworkers are visiting at my desk he will make a beeline to my desk and join the convo or pretend to ask a work related question (he never does it if they are female coworkers).
> 
> Again, I tend to be shy and reserved (yet still friendly) so I do not initiate conversations. There have been a few times when he will come to my desk and ask me a question that I know that he already knows the answer. I have had non-work related convos with him with others present but not alone one-on-one. And I have mentioned other things in a previous post.
> 
> I know when a guy likes me....this one just happens to be unavailable. I love the way that he looks at me and love his smile....and the sound of his voice and his sense of style.


So you think its ok that a married man acts so badly? You think he is a decent guy for seeking your attention when he has a wife? I would run a mile from a man like that. Where is his integrity? His faithfulness to his wife?


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> Again, I did not know that he was married when he first began to work at my company. I did not learn that he was married until he had been there for 6-7 months (about 3-4 months ago). I think that it is a huge stretch to say that I have serious self esteem issues because I am attracted to a man at my job. I would not want to have a physical affair with him. I want him to become unencumbered so that I could date him. And my boss had an affair at work a few years ago so I think that I don't have much to worry about in my sanitized, vanilla ice cream, Disneyland version of a liaison.


Cant you see that actively wanting someone's marriage to break up is a horrible thing? That a man who ends a marriage after such a short time will do the same again with the next wife? As others have said you know very little about him at all.


----------



## MrsHolland

thefam said:


> IF this thread is authentic I find it quite fascinating. I don't mean this to be disparaging to you at all OP but I have often wondered at this type of thinking. I realize you have not acted on your thoughts and I also realize that we all have our faults, strengths and weaknesses.
> 
> But I have often wondered what the thought pattern is of women who would entertain thoughts of having a chance with a married man. Now I know. Fascinating. LAdoll you seem like an accomplished woman who is attractive and somewhat reserved from the picture you have painted of yourself. So it really is not how I would typically picture someone who could have feelings like this and really hope to have a chance that something would come of it.


Authentic? who knows but either way it is fascinating. I have teenage daughters and even they know this sort of behaviour is the sign of mental ill health. We had one situation where one of my daughters friends behaved like the OP as she was jealous of when the boy she was crushing on asked my daughter out. This girl started being nasty to my daughter and acting up at school to get attention, she then went on to have an online "relationship" with someone overseas, she was madly in love with some random that she never met.

It was a great opportunity to have dialogue with my kids and they saw straight through it all and distanced themselves from the girl who in their words "has metal health issues". 

Attention seeking, low self esteem, whatever but it is not the behaviour or an emotionally healthy person.


----------



## Diana7

MrsHolland said:


> Authentic? who knows but either way it is fascinating. I have teenage daughters and even they know this sort of behaviour is the sign of mental ill health. We had one situation where one of my daughters friends behaved like the OP as she was jealous of when the boy she was crushing on asked my daughter out. This girl started being nasty to my daughter and acting up at school to get attention, she then went on to have an online "relationship" with someone overseas, she was madly in love with some random that she never met.
> 
> It was a great opportunity to have dialogue with my kids and they saw straight through it all and distanced themselves from the girl who in their words "has metal health issues".
> 
> Attention seeking, low self esteem, whatever but it is not the behaviour or an emotionally healthy person.


I see low self-esteem in the claim that many men at her work, married and single, are interested in her and give her attention, including this particular one married man. Wishful thinking maybe? Who knows. if the married man was really interested in her, he would have made a move many many months ago when she thought he was single. He didn't and hasn't since. I am almost always suspicious of people who claim that loads of people of the opposite sex are interested in them, and yet they are still single many years into adulthood.


----------



## LADoll

Thank you so much to those posters who gave constructive feedback. I truly do appreciate your words of advice.


----------



## Bibi1031

Red Sonja said:


> I have a question for the TAM members involved in this thread ... *why are you giving attention to thiws OP's narcissistic fantasy?*
> 
> :slap:




You are the voice of reason and 100% spot on!


----------



## Bibi1031

LADoll said:


> Thank you so much to those posters who gave constructive feedback. I truly do appreciate your words of advice.


Can you elaborate?


----------



## Vinnydee

A word to the wise who cannot find themselves a single male and therefore grab the low hanging fruit, married men are horny and bored with the same sex every night so are easy targets. Every married man will tell the other woman that he is unhappily married. I know some who have been doing so for decades. Few will entice a woman into bed by talking up his wife. I was told twice to shut up about my wife when women were trying to seduce me. Also there is no need for an emotional relationship with a married man. Again, what is wrong with you that you cannot find a single man to do that with?

Do not try to rationalize what you are doing. There is no excuse. You may alter the life of three people by acting on your emotions. I left my wife for a woman like you. Luckily I came to my senses after a month and went back to my wife. Yeah, I was unhappy with my wife at the time but that happens in all marriages. You work through it eventually. To take advantage of it, is not nice. Even if he did not wear a ring there might have been a mark on his ring finger or a host of other clues to tell you that he is married if you bothered to look. Ask for his home number. Find out where he lives, why he cannot meet you when you want him too. I have been on both sides of this coin and like you I had a girlfriend who did not wear a ring or speak of a husband. I only found out when he walked in on us having sex. Surprise. However the clues were there but I chose to believe her like meeting her in a motel when she owned a house, etc.. It always ends bad.

Did you actually talk to his wife or are just going on what he said.


----------



## LaReine

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Even this is dangerous talk. There are 6+billion people in the world. There is more than just "the one." If "the one" honest about being married, it is still an abdication of his vows, so it is an oxymoron that a married "the one" can be above board in pursuing a relationship outside the marriage. If "the one" will honestly leave his wife for you, he will "honestly" leave your for the next "the one" he finds.
> 
> 
> 
> If "The one" is married, keep looking for another "the one." He/she is out there. Don't debase yourself by thinking there is only one "the one."




Yep that's why I used "the one" specifically 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LaReine

Vinnydee said:


> Every married man will tell the other woman that he is unhappily married [\QUOTE]
> 
> Yep, this exactly. Or they will say they have some sort of permission- oh ya my wife knows and is ok with it
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy

OP...

The right thing to do, is the next time he approaches you to chat, ask how his wife is doing. 

Stop pretending you don't know she exists. Acknowledge her existence. If he won't shut this down, you should.


----------



## LADoll

Bibi1031 said:


> Can you elaborate?


I simply thanked those posters who provided advice regarding my situation without being overtly hostile or judgmental. 

I am new to this site and decided to ask a question in order to get feedback. A few used the opportunity to unnecessarily take shots, make snarky comments and engage in personal attacks. I realize that some of the individuals may have personally dealt with an unfaithful spouse which automatically made me a villain in their eyes. So if attacking my character and mental health gave those individuals a release then I hope that it helped them to purge those feelings as well. 

Again, I truly do appreciate some of the advice that has been provided to my question and it is helping me to look at my situation a bit differently. It is very hard because I do see him nearly everyday.


----------



## growing_weary

Wow this thread is still going and the op didn't run away yet. Hmm. Don't mess with a married man. Don't be the other woman. It's never worth it. My other rule is don't **** where you eat. I've seen too many relationships at my office go to hell even when they don't start with infidelity.


----------



## LADoll

growing_weary said:


> Wow this thread is still going and the op didn't run away yet. Hmm. Don't mess with a married man. Don't be the other woman. It's never worth it. My other rule is don't **** where you eat. *I've seen too many relationships at my office go to hell even when they don't start with infidelity*.


Not to be a complete contrarian but there are numerous married couples that have met at my job. Some that have been married for decades. 

After joining and creating my threads (and reading responses) I read through a few more threads and saw some of the posts in other threads of those who posted in mine. I couldn't always tell if commenters in my thread were male or female, young or old so it gave me a better point of reference for their comments. So I guess if I were a married woman and a single woman was asking advice about a married man it could possibly ruffle my feathers. I do get that.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Most people on here are married. Men and women. 

When I read and post to you it's from a place that I have been there, done that. 

I've mistaken chemistry for real feelings. 
I've created fantasy relationships in my mind that made me ignore the real red flags
I've fallen for men who had no compatiblity with me because I liked them. 

We were all young once. It takes time to figure out love and self worth and confidence, skills to find a good partner and how to spot red flags. 

No one but you thinks this man is a good idea. That should tell you something. Married or not this built up relationship you have with someone you don't know a thing about is unhealthy. If he were single I would say the same.


----------



## Bibi1031

LADoll said:


> I am new to this site and decided to ask a question in order to get feedback.
> 
> *Exactly! This married man occupies so much head space in you that you posted on a Pro-marriage board. And you used "click bait" on your title when you wrote OW in it. Not only that, you show little to no respect regarding marriage. You want him to divorce so you could date him. This is no ordinary relationship that you wish would dissolve. His wife got him to marry her, how do you think she got him to do this? He is probably good looking and charming that you want him eventhough he did and probably still loves his wife, but has a wondering eye because you have no actual proof he is hitting on you because he hasn't bothered to flat out ask you out. It is very inmature or silly of you to believe him to be so attracted to you when he actually took a woman to the altar already. *
> 
> A few used the opportunity to unnecessarily take shots, make snarky comments and engage in personal attacks.
> 
> 
> *Exactly what your "click bait" remark caused. If you don't want the negative connotation the word "other woman" has, then why use it in a title thread. Sadly you got exactly what you asked for in a pro-marriage forum*
> 
> I realize that some of the individuals may have personally dealt with an unfaithful spouse which automatically made me a villain in their eyes.
> 
> *Here is where you are wrong, you pushed buttons with your click bait and triggered TAM members to see you as needy and inmature. Who in their right mind at your age would think you are more loved than a wife just because he shows you interest you can't even flat out prove is genuine? Without real evidence that you are more important thsn his wife, you even posting about possibly being OW is laughable. We just have your perceptions and conjectures and at your age, that is just plain silly like the rest of your arguements.*
> 
> 
> 
> So if attacking my character and mental health gave those individuals a release then I hope that it helped them to purge those feelings as well.
> 
> *this is just too funny. This is supposedly your first post here and there are many individuals that post click bait like you did more times than I can count. Then they cry what a bunch of meanies are in TAM and don't want to play ball anymore so to speak. If you don't like the sting and stigma associated with becoming a possible other woman, don't behave like one. You know the saying if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then it's probably a duck. Well you behave just like an other woman when you enjoy the percieved attentions and advances of a married man. *


With that said, when do you think this married man will finally leave his wife, file for divorce, and admit his undieing love and devotion to you? Another year, two, or maybe three?

My most useful and sincere advise to you is to wait for this confession from him sitting down. LOL


----------



## LaReine

*I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> I realize that some of the individuals may have personally dealt with an unfaithful spouse which automatically made me a villain in their eyes.



Eh no. What made you a villain was saying this: 



LADoll said:


> I find myself wishing and hoping that he will leave his young and unhappy marriage.


What proof do you have that it's unhappy? Him seeking marriage advice?? Most couples do this.

Ffs I am trying so hard to be nice, but you seem to be looking for the okay to break up a marriage. I am not one of those who automatically blames the other woman but eff me if you are putting this much thought into it, you are a home wrecker.



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## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I simply thanked those posters who provided advice regarding my situation without being overtly hostile or judgmental.
> 
> I am new to this site and decided to ask a question in order to get feedback. A few used the opportunity to unnecessarily take shots, make snarky comments and engage in personal attacks. I realize that some of the individuals may have personally dealt with an unfaithful spouse which automatically made me a villain in their eyes. So if attacking my character and mental health gave those individuals a release then I hope that it helped them to purge those feelings as well.
> 
> Again, I truly do appreciate some of the advice that has been provided to my question and it is helping me to look at my situation a bit differently. It is very hard because I do see him nearly everyday.


It maybe time to ask for a transfer or look for another job.


----------



## growing_weary

LADoll said:


> Not to be a complete contrarian but there are numerous married couples that have met at my job. Some that have been married for decades.
> 
> After joining and creating my threads (and reading responses) I read through a few more threads and saw some of the posts in other threads of those who posted in mine. I couldn't always tell if commenters in my thread were male or female, young or old so it gave me a better point of reference for their comments. So I guess if I were a married woman and a single woman was asking advice about a married man it could possibly ruffle my feathers. I do get that.


Fair point. I have seen good relationships too, but the percentage of successful vs failed is abysmal (at least in my observing experience) especially if it starts more clandestine than two single people meeting.


----------



## chillymorn69

A person with good moral character would not wish for someone's marriage to break up so they could move in and have a shot.


Just sayin.


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## Bibi1031

chillymorn69 said:


> A person with good moral character would not wish for someone's marriage to break up so they could move in and have a shot.
> 
> 
> Just sayin.


...and let's accept that a woman her age that is emotionally healthy will never entertain the real or perceived advances/attentions of a taken man because he simply can't respect or keep his promises. They would simply dismiss a man with such low morals and disrespect for a woman he promised to forsake all others for. 

It is well known that if he cheated with you, he will do it to you too.

But if you see our posts as attacks instead of helping you get a better chance of not ending up hurt, then go for it. Some folks never learn no matter how many times they hit a brick wall so to speak. I'm dealing with a 30 year old that does this very thing. I am not posting because I was betrayed over a decade ago, I post because I gave birth to a serial cheater.


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## *Deidre*

The thing that we can say with certainty that he's ''unhappy'' about, is that as a married man, he can't come and go as he pleases. Literally, as well. lol

But, he will spin it that his marriage is making him unhappy, or he is unhappy in his marriage, etc. But, really, he's just unhappy that he can't be single AND be married. I was approached by a married guy a few years ago, and he seemed nice enough. I met him one night out with friends. He didn't tell me he was married, until the end of the night, when I asked him if he was divorced. (Before I got married, I didn't date divorced men) He laughed and said ''oh, I'm married.'' I won't say here what I said back to him. 

Your situation isn't all that unique, LADoll, when it comes to these situations. I hope you take the advice that's been given to you.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yes it's not unusual or rare to find these married guys. 

Every single married man who ever tried to talk to me was miserable in their marriage and their wife was a horrible b*tch and nagged all the time and never had sex with him. Every single one. 

Well sweethearts, I'd be a miserable b*tch who wouldn't touch you if I was married to a lying, cheating d-bag too so maybe cut her some slack. 

They aren't worth your time. 

The one time I fell for that crap he said he was separated. Said all kinds of things about his "ex". When I found out and told her, she was a lovely women. Trying so hard for her marriage (that was not separated and she had no idea he even wanted to) and knew he was doing something but couldn't prove it so she tried harder and harder and he was blaming her for his distance. I felt horrible.


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## *Deidre*

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes it's not unusual or rare to find these married guys.
> 
> Every single married man who ever tried to talk to me was miserable in their marriage and their wife was a horrible b*tch and nagged all the time and never had sex with him. Every single one.
> 
> Well sweethearts, I'd be a miserable b*tch who wouldn't touch you if I was married to a lying, cheating d-bag too so maybe cut her some slack.
> 
> They aren't worth your time.
> 
> The one time I fell for that crap he said he was separated. Said all kinds of things about his "ex". When I found out and told her, she was a lovely women. Trying so hard for her marriage (that was not separated and she had no idea he even wanted to) and knew he was doing something but couldn't prove it so she tried harder and harder and he was blaming her for his distance. I felt horrible.












There are situations, where a marriage does suck, but that still doesn't mean someone should take a mistress. 

It's up for the couple who is married to figure out, and fix or divorce, before any ''dating'' should go on.


----------



## Adelais

You try very hard to portray that you have confidence and a lot going for you. I would beg to differ, since you don't mind being treated as low hanging fruit by your secret admirer.

If I were single, and a man at work gazed at me, regularly behaving in ways that gave hints that he was interested in me, and I later found out he was married, I would feel insulted and disgusted. He must have thought I was gullible, weak minded, or a sl*t if he seriously thought I'd go out with him, knowing he is married. I would want nothing to do with anyone who thought so poorly of me.

If he insisted that he thought highly of me, saying he was so in luuurve with me that he couldn't control himself, I would still feel disgusted and insulted. He obviously is a selfish person, who doesn't care about what would happen to my well being, my reputation, security, emotional state after getting involved with a married man.

You need a perspective shift. If you continue on the path you are moving, you deserve what comes your way.


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## Bibi1031

Well it looks like " Another one Bites the Dust"...sigh


----------



## Rick Blaine

This thread has some value for other readers as it provides insights into the mind of a wayward. The object of the OP's obsession is a wayward husband who is also a serial cheater. This man has the looks and the charm to get a woman, and he knows how to use those charms to entrap and seduce. He will use them over and over to his purpose, and he will never run out of tokens playing this game. He is addicted to the thrill and there will always be fish who want to play. 

The OP herself doesn't believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and she believes like many today that if it feels good, do it. She believes that old fashioned norms and taboos have no place in her sophisticated world. Reading this thread is like watching "The English Patient." 

The best outcome we can hope for is threefold:

1. People reading this thread will gain insight into the wayward mind and look out for these marriage-killing characteristics BEFORE they commit to a lifelong relationship if they exhibit any of the red flags raised so audaciously by the OP.

2. The poor wife of this married man will learn that her husband is a rogue and a scoundrel, and she will get her marriage annulled before children enter the picture.

3. The OP will never get married and will only date men who are not married. She takes pride in never having entered into a relationship at the same time her love interest in in one. Instead, like a vulture, she circles around the dying carcass waiting for its expiration then happily swoops in. Strangest mating ritual I've seen. And bonus points for originality.


----------



## AVR1962

I was married to a man for 24 years who had a few emotional affairs during our marriage. Trust me, he might be interested in you for the chase, to boost his ego, to make himself feel wanted or admired BUT if you think that it is a matter of him being unhappy in his marriage and that all his troubles are his wife you need to think twice. Men like this CANNOT commit! And yes, even the ones that marry like my ex. Their hearts are always wondering, right along with their eyes. My ex was constantly scoping for the ladies every place we went. Not only that but he was a HUGE porn addict....something you don't know about this man who is checking you out. I know that you would like this attention is exclusive to you.....I can guarantee you it is NOT! 

I am actually an attractive woman and get alot of attention which I think is why my ex was attracted to me but just because a man gets that attractive women does not mean he will be happy. The man with a need to seek out other women will continue to do so regardless, it is a problem within them. You are best off to ignore this man, not ask co-workers about his life, try to avoid him and eye contact. Asked to be relocated to another place in the work place if you can. I was just reading today that attractive women are most vulnerable to players because the player knows what to say, we want to believe what they are saying is mean for us only. All a player wants is his satisfaction, he does not care about you and if you are finding that men are repeatedly attracted to you and making mention of your physical features you need to learn how a true man communicates with a woman.


----------



## AVR1962

Araucaria said:


> You try very hard to portray that you have confidence and a lot going for you. I would beg to differ, since you don't mind being treated as low hanging fruit by your secret admirer.
> 
> If I were single, and a man at work gazed at me, regularly behaving in ways that gave hints that he was interested in me, and I later found out he was married, I would feel insulted and disgusted. He must have thought I was gullible, weak minded, or a sl*t if he seriously thought I'd go out with him, knowing he is married. I would want nothing to do with anyone who thought so poorly of me.
> 
> If he insisted that he thought highly of me, saying he was so in luuurve with me that he couldn't control himself, I would still feel disgusted and insulted. He obviously is a selfish person, who doesn't care about what would happen to my well being, my reputation, security, emotional state after getting involved with a married man.
> 
> You need a perspective shift. If you continue on the path you are moving, you deserve what comes your way.


EXACTLY! Years ago I had a married man become obsessed with me....I was married at the time too. I was in customer service so I had to wait on this man. If my children were around he would tell my kids how beautiful I was and pay them to watch his car. I met his wife, very pretty and sweet. I finally reported him to his supervisor. He admitted to the supervisor that he was in love with me (we didn't even have a relationship, I wasn't engaging with this man), he left his work place (quit his job where he would see me) and divorced his wife. All of his interests were fantasy in his head, what he wanted from me but I was not even a part of it.


----------



## LADoll

Rick Blaine said:


> This thread has some value for other readers as it provides insights into the mind of a wayward. The object of the OP's obsession is a wayward husband who is also a serial cheater. This man has the looks and the charm to get a woman, and he knows how to use those charms to entrap and seduce. He will use them over and over to his purpose, and he will never run out of tokens playing this game. He is addicted to the thrill and there will always be fish who want to play.
> *
> The OP herself doesn't believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and she believes like many today that if it feels good, do it. She believes that old fashioned norms and taboos have no place in her sophisticated world.* Reading this thread is like watching "The English Patient."
> 
> The best outcome we can hope for is threefold:
> 
> 1. People reading this thread will gain insight into the wayward mind and look out for these marriage-killing characteristics BEFORE they commit to a lifelong relationship if they exhibit any of the red flags raised so audaciously by the OP.
> 
> 2. The poor wife of this married man will learn that her husband is a rogue and a scoundrel, and she will get her marriage annulled before children enter the picture.
> 
> 3. The OP will never get married and will only date men who are not married. She takes pride in never having entered into a relationship at the same time her love interest in in one. Instead, like a vulture, she circles around the dying carcass waiting for its expiration then happily swoops in. Strangest mating ritual I've seen. And bonus points for originality.


I am a firm believer in love, marriage, romance, passion, desire, faith, commitment, sacrifice and soul connections. I am not trying to make my situation seem like a romance novel but many of the replies give off a vibe of individuals who have never truly known deep passion and love's burning desire. Many of the posts are of the "I met my husband at age 15 in high school and he's the only man I've ever known and we've been married for 1000 years" variety. And while I believe that true love can come to us in many different ways that is not my life. 

In my life I have been approached by and have been offered "arrangements" by more than my fair share of married men...very wealthy married men. Men that would have improved my career and/or lifestyle greatly but I was not looking for a sugar daddy/sugar baby situation. I am not out for financial gain or an ego boost. I feel a connection with someone who initiated the interest and I have not acted on it. 

I was being honest when I stated that I did believe the connection was genuine and that if the marriage is not a good match that I hope they divorce; why would I wish anyone to stay in a bad marriage. Why waste years with someone whom does not fully ignite your passions or satisfy your needs? Sometimes people settle because they don't think that they can find a better partner or they are lonely, etc. And sometimes those people who settled realize that they can do better than who they are with and they pursue someone else.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

You have to work on a marriage. Work on keeping passion and giving and taking needs. 

True love and soul mates and love at first sight are fairy tale crap. 

You think you have a connection to a man you don't know. You don't understand love or relationships.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You have to work on a marriage. Work on keeping passion and giving and taking needs.
> 
> True love and soul mates and love at first sight are fairy tale crap.
> 
> You think you have a connection to a man you don't know. You don't understand love or relationships.



Yes, relationships take work.

And yes, true love, soul mates and love at first sight exists.


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## Satya

OP, are you in your early to mid 20s?


----------



## LaReine

Rick Blaine said:


> This thread has some value for other readers as it provides insights into the mind of a wayward. The object of the OP's obsession is a wayward husband who is also a serial cheater. This man has the looks and the charm to get a woman, and he knows how to use those charms to entrap and seduce. He will use them over and over to his purpose, and he will never run out of tokens playing this game. He is addicted to the thrill and there will always be fish who want to play.
> 
> 
> 
> The OP herself doesn't believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment, and she believes like many today that if it feels good, do it. She believes that old fashioned norms and taboos have no place in her sophisticated world. Reading this thread is like watching "The English Patient."
> 
> 
> 
> The best outcome we can hope for is threefold:
> 
> 
> 
> 1. People reading this thread will gain insight into the wayward mind and look out for these marriage-killing characteristics BEFORE they commit to a lifelong relationship if they exhibit any of the red flags raised so audaciously by the OP.
> 
> 
> 
> 2. The poor wife of this married man will learn that her husband is a rogue and a scoundrel, and she will get her marriage annulled before children enter the picture.
> 
> 
> 
> 3. The OP will never get married and will only date men who are not married. She takes pride in never having entered into a relationship at the same time her love interest in in one. Instead, like a vulture, she circles around the dying carcass waiting for its expiration then happily swoops in. Strangest mating ritual I've seen. And bonus points for originality.




To be fair, we have zero idea if this guy is a cheater. We only have the op saying that he looks at her and acts jealous... the same op who says that she attracts lots of people etc


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bibi1031

LADoll said:


> Yes, relationships take work.
> 
> And yes, true love, soul mates and love at first sight exists.


True love yes, it exists. 

But soul mates? What does that even mean? Do souls feel love? I thought souls are spirit forms no? Spirits don't mate. Soul mate is made up nonsense like fairy tales that start with Once upon a time and end with happily ever after. Hollywood and Disney milk these terms because it is in their best interest to do so. They make millions!

Now, love at first sight is pretty much like finding a needle in a hay stack or a four leaf clover. 

Are you sure you are not a teenager? Your romantic notions of love place you around that developmental age. I mean no disrespect to you OP. I`m simply pointing out the obvious here.


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> that if the marriage is not a good match that I hope they divorce



That is NOT what you said.



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## MrsHolland

LADoll said:


> Yes, relationships take work.
> 
> And yes, true love, soul mates and love at first sight exists.


The part you do no get is that healthy people would be turned off when they found out the other person was married or in a relationship. They would have enough self esteem to not look back but to look forward knowing they are worthy of 100% not just little scraps.

Not sure about soul mates but I do believe in deep, true love however IME it can only grow when it is given the necessary requirements of a healthy relationship i.e respect, honor, dignity and for both parties to be completely unencumbered and free.

I do believe in love at first sight but only time can prove that love. 

If you cannot walk away from an already taken man then seek professional help.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I'm guessing since OP has not answered any questions about how old she is and has these fairy tale, fantasy type perceptions that she is quite young. 

True love is what happens when you work hard, have compatiblity and chemistry. 

This "connection" you think you have is just attraction and chemistry. It says nothing about how you'd be together as a couple and says even less about actual love.


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## LADoll

Bibi1031 said:


> True love yes, it exists.
> 
> But soul mates? What does that even mean? Do souls feel love? I thought souls are spirit forms no? Spirits don't mate. Soul mate is made up nonsense like fairy tales that start with Once upon a time and end with happily ever after. Hollywood and Disney milk these terms because it is in their best interest to do so. They make millions!
> 
> Now, love at first sight is pretty much like finding a needle in a hay stack or a four leaf clover.
> *
> Are you sure you are not a teenager? Your romantic notions of love place you around that developmental age. I mean no disrespect to you OP. I`m simply pointing out the obvious here.*


True love, soul mates, love at first sight, etc. **I** believe that they all exist and obviously I am not the first or the last person to believe in their existence. I didn't create those phrases. 

And I am quite certain that you did mean to disrespect me with your comments. We have different opinions but somehow that is a license to be snarky and my snide remarks.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> *I'm guessing since OP has not answered any questions about how old she is and has these fairy tale, fantasy type perceptions that she is quite young. *
> 
> True love is what happens when you work hard, have compatiblity and chemistry.
> 
> This "connection" you think you have is just attraction and chemistry. It says nothing about how you'd be together as a couple and says even less about actual love.


I believe I indicated my age earlier in the thread.

Please explain to me how you have the one and only recipe for true love and compatibility. So people can ONLY fall in love or have mutual attractions or **feelings** in the way that you determine that it can (or should) happen? Love and mutual attraction is not clinical and precise.


----------



## *Deidre*

Now, it's love? lololol

Your ''soulmate'' won't ever be another woman's husband.


----------



## LADoll

Satya said:


> OP, are you in your early to mid 20s?


He and I are both around the same age (late 20s-early 30s)


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

LADoll said:


> He and I are both around the same age (late 20s-early 30s)


Then you should be old enough to know better. 

No, you don't have love for someone you don't know. 

Mutual attraction, sure. But that isn't love. 

You need to understand the difference. 

You don't have real feelings for a man you don't know. You have a crush, an attraction. You barely speak to him and know nothing about him. That's not a "connection"


----------



## LADoll

*Deidre* said:


> Now, it's love? lololol
> 
> Your ''soulmate'' won't ever be another woman's husband.


I was responding to someone who said that true love, soul mates and love at first sight do not exist. I did not say that I was in love. I did say that when I first met him that he locked eyes with me and it felt like a love at first sight moment.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Then you should be old enough to know better.
> 
> No, you don't have love for someone you don't know.
> 
> Mutual attraction, sure. But that isn't love.
> 
> You need to understand the difference.
> 
> You don't have real feelings for a man you don't know. You have a crush, an attraction. You barely speak to him and know nothing about him. That's not a "connection"


I never said that I was in love with him. I said that it felt like a love at first sight moment the first time that I met him because from that day to this his eyes are ALWAYS on me. I have a very strong attraction to him and now I feel there is a connection. At first I thought that maybe he just liked the way that I look but it feels like a little bit more than that to me now. 

Again, he comes to my area; I do not go to his area. I don't flirt with him. I haven't given him any indications about how I feel. Perhaps I should start to give indications to him about how I feel.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

You need to get some actual relationships under your belt. You say you date often, why doesn't it ever work out? 
You're looking for the fantasy, not the reality of a relationship. You'll have to learn that relationships are not butterfly feelings and locking eyes across the room. 

Actually get to know someone and try to build a relationship on actual compatiblity and desire.


----------



## citygirl4344

LADoll said:


> Yes, relationships take work.
> 
> 
> 
> And yes, true love, soul mates and love at first sight exists.




Nope
But that is a whole other topic
Why is this thread still even going.
You don't get it.
If you are really in your early thirties you should know that wishing a marriage to break up is wrong and you shouldn't be in this fairly tale world where love happens and everything falls into place and everything is roses.
Marriage is blood sweat and tears and building it on this foundation would make it ten times harder.
So leave this guy alone. Next time he talks to you ask about his wife and move away emotionally from him and start working on you.
From everything you've said you are not ready for any type of tangible long term committed relationship.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You need to get some actual relationships under your belt. You say you date often, why doesn't it ever work out?
> You're looking for the fantasy, not the reality of a relationship. You'll have to learn that relationships are not butterfly feelings and locking eyes across the room.
> 
> Actually get to know someone and try to build a relationship on actual compatiblity and desire.


I don't believe that I have ever stated that I have not had relationships or that I lack experience in maintaining a relationship. 

Yes, I date fairly regularly. I will not continue dating a guy if there is little or no chemistry. I need to feel a spark.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I don't think telling him how you feel will be productive at all. He would likely be very scared that you've become so obsessed with him when you don't even know each other. He's a flirt, he just flirts with girls. He doesn't expect them to think there is some magical connection and romance going on. You don't even know if he has children, that's how little you even know this person. Everyone would be freaked out if someone they didn't even know professed feelings for them. It would be creepy and stalker-like. 

You'll make a fool of yourself and make a very awkward working environment if he knew how you felt about him. 

Move past it, find someone available and actually try to form relationships.


----------



## Primrose

LADoll said:


> I never said that I was in love with him. I said that it felt like a love at first sight moment the first time that I met him because from that day to this his eyes are ALWAYS on me. I have a very strong attraction to him and *now I feel there is a connection. At first I thought that maybe he just liked the way that I look but it feels like a little bit more than that to me now.
> *


What makes you think there is a connection when you two do not communicate? You repeatedly have said that you stay away from him. So now there's a connection/emotional affair through deep gazes alone? 




LADoll said:


> Again, he comes to my area; I do not go to his area. I don't flirt with him. I haven't given him any indications about how I feel. *Perhaps I should start to give indications to him about how I feel*.


Might as well. It's clear you do not mind toeing the homewrecking line. 

You're barking up the wrong tree. Don't be surprised if you pursue this line of thinking and this man's wife winds up not being the type to turn the other cheek. Not every woman will take "the high road" when they find out their husband has a woman on the side. You just may find yourself on the other side of a fist.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I never said that I was in love with him. I said that it felt like a love at first sight moment the first time that I met him because from that day to this his eyes are ALWAYS on me. I have a very strong attraction to him and now I feel there is a connection. At first I thought that maybe he just liked the way that I look but it feels like a little bit more than that to me now.
> 
> Again, he comes to my area; I do not go to his area. I don't flirt with him. I haven't given him any indications about how I feel. Perhaps I should start to give indications to him about how I feel.


Only if you want to be a home wrecker, and dont mind being with a man who will do the same to you.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't think telling him how you feel will be productive at all. He would likely be very scared that you've become so obsessed with him when you don't even know each other. He's a flirt, he just flirts with girls. He doesn't expect them to think there is some magical connection and romance going on. You don't even know if he has children, that's how little you even know this person. Everyone would be freaked out if someone they didn't even know professed feelings for them. It would be creepy and stalker-like.
> 
> You'll make a fool of yourself and make a very awkward working environment if he knew how you felt about him.
> 
> Move past it, find someone available and actually try to form relationships.


I have never seen him flirt with anyone else at all. I haven't seen him interact that way with anyone else. 

To be honest, if anyone is obsessed it would be him. I am not staring at him all day or going to his desk when he is talking to female coworkers or coming into my boss's office when I'm in there to talk about nothing in particular. 

But perhaps it is time to give some very subtle hints to him that the attraction is mutual. Maybe I should go over to his desk and slowly start to learn more about the details of his life and I can share more details about mine as well.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I believe I indicated my age earlier in the thread.
> 
> Please explain to me how you have the one and only recipe for true love and compatibility. So people can ONLY fall in love or have mutual attractions or **feelings** in the way that you determine that it can (or should) happen? Love and mutual attraction is not clinical and precise.


This man is not yours to have, he is taken.If you had seen the deep hurt and pain and destruction that affairs have brought to those in my family, you may think again about going after a married man. 
Anyone who goes after a person who is taken is poison in my book. 
So what if you have a crush on him, you know nothing about him. Any decent woman of integrity would stay well away and maybe even look for a job elsewhere. 
Do you honestly think this man wouldn't do to you what he is doing to his wife??He wouldn't think twice because he has no moral values or integrity either. He will use you and throw you away.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I am a firm believer in love, marriage, romance, passion, desire, faith, commitment, sacrifice and soul connections. I am not trying to make my situation seem like a romance novel but many of the replies give off a vibe of individuals who have never truly known deep passion and love's burning desire. Many of the posts are of the "I met my husband at age 15 in high school and he's the only man I've ever known and we've been married for 1000 years" variety. And while I believe that true love can come to us in many different ways that is not my life.
> 
> In my life I have been approached by and have been offered "arrangements" by more than my fair share of married men...very wealthy married men. Men that would have improved my career and/or lifestyle greatly but I was not looking for a sugar daddy/sugar baby situation. I am not out for financial gain or an ego boost. I feel a connection with someone who initiated the interest and I have not acted on it.
> 
> I was being honest when I stated that I did believe the connection was genuine and that if the marriage is not a good match that I hope they divorce; why would I wish anyone to stay in a bad marriage. Why waste years with someone whom does not fully ignite your passions or satisfy your needs? Sometimes people settle because they don't think that they can find a better partner or they are lonely, etc. And sometimes those people who settled realize that they can do better than who they are with and they pursue someone else.


I am sure that many of here know true passion and loves burning desire, the sort that lasts many years into a marriage, the love that deepens and matures as the years pass, the love that remains faithful and doesn't flirt with others, that keeps the promises made in the marriage ceremony.This man hasn't been married long it seems and already he is acting badly.You have a crush, its not true love, you know nothing about his marriage or his wife. 
As has been said, you don't know him. You only see a small part of him that he shows in the workplace. 
Its as if you are like a vulture waiting for the pickings of what is left of his marriage.Have some respect for yourself. if you really do have all these men going after you(and we only have your word for that)then surely you can find a single man?
Do you want to be known as a home wrecker?


----------



## AVR1962

LADoll said:


> I am a firm believer in love, marriage, romance, passion, desire, faith, commitment, sacrifice and soul connections. I am not trying to make my situation seem like a romance novel but many of the replies give off a vibe of individuals who have never truly known deep passion and love's burning desire. Many of the posts are of the "I met my husband at age 15 in high school and he's the only man I've ever known and we've been married for 1000 years" variety. And while I believe that true love can come to us in many different ways that is not my life.
> 
> In my life I have been approached by and have been offered "arrangements" by more than my fair share of married men...very wealthy married men. Men that would have improved my career and/or lifestyle greatly but I was not looking for a sugar daddy/sugar baby situation. I am not out for financial gain or an ego boost. I feel a connection with someone who initiated the interest and I have not acted on it.
> 
> I was being honest when I stated that I did believe the connection was genuine and that if the marriage is not a good match that I hope they divorce; why would I wish anyone to stay in a bad marriage. Why waste years with someone whom does not fully ignite your passions or satisfy your needs? Sometimes people settle because they don't think that they can find a better partner or they are lonely, etc. And sometimes those people who settled realize that they can do better than who they are with and they pursue someone else.


Girl, you have been forewarned, you are heading in a very dangerous direction!


----------



## Diana7

AVR1962 said:


> Girl, you have been forewarned, you are heading in a very dangerous direction!


yep, straight for the fire. 
Dont say we didn't warn you. :surprise::surprise:


----------



## LADoll

Diana7 said:


> I am sure that many of here know true passion and loves burning desire, the sort that lasts many years into a marriage, the love that deepens and matures as the years pass, the love that remains faithful and doesn't flirt with others, that keeps the promises made in the marriage ceremony.This man hasn't been married long it seems and already he is acting badly.You have a crush, its not true love, you know nothing about his marriage or his wife.
> As has been said, you don't know him. You only see a small part of him that he shows in the workplace.
> Its as if you are like a vulture waiting for the pickings of what is left of his marriage.Have some respect for yourself. if you really do have all these men going after you(and we only have your word for that)then surely you can find a single man?
> Do you want to be known as a home wrecker?


I do not disagree with you on most of what you have stated above. 

How do I know that his wife isn't who he thought that she was? Or that his needs aren't being met? Or that he knows that he made a mistake by marrying her? I really have not given her very much thought. Or maybe it is just easier if I don't think about her. 

Perhaps I am blinded by his gorgeous looks and his amazing style. Perhaps its just because I love the way that he looks at me because it is him looking at me. Perhaps its because I felt a spark and the spark is really rare.


----------



## AVR1962

LADoll said:


> I do not disagree with you on most of what you have stated above.
> 
> How do I know that his wife isn't who he thought that she was? Or that his needs aren't being met? Or that he knows that he made a mistake by marrying her? I really have not given her very much thought. Or maybe it is just easier if I don't think about her.
> 
> Perhaps I am blinded by his gorgeous looks and his amazing style. Perhaps its just because I love the way that he looks at me because it is him looking at me. Perhaps its because I felt a spark and the spark is really rare.


Blinded by gorgeous looks? I so get it! A man I was dating for 7 months recently broke up with me. All his texts and every conversation we had was full of praise for me. Our time seemed to be quality time together. he was talking about us and a relationship, not me, HE!!!! I was being careful, trying to keep myself in observer mode, waiting to see if this man was genuine. Once he got what he wanted and he pursued several months, his thrill was over and I was nothing.

You have been bombarded emotionally to believe this man. This is how these guys work. I am 54 years old...I have seen it, I have experienced it. You are sitting to close to the fire to see it yourself and pulling away while your hormones are raging for this man would be very very hard, trust me I know and understand. We are creatures of habit and what he has done to his wife he will repeat on you. Sounds to me like this is a man who cannot commit. You think that he committed because he is married but oh no, there are men who "think" they can be happy with one lady while their hormones are in full force but they will always return to themselves. Read about "men who cannot commit" and try to find a way to pull back from this.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Spark is not rare. Just get out there and start looking. I've had spark with many men and they have had it with me. We simply weren't compatible in other ways. 

Even if his marriage sucks, You're really wanting to sit around for years waiting for this guy to get divorced, move out, get settled and get mentally ready for another relationship? 

Or do you think divorces and rebuilding happen overnight? 

You have no idea if he's even compatible with you. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT HIM. You don't even know if he has children. 

You'd be - at best - a rebound and that's if he actually wanted to be with you, wanted to leave his wife, and was remotely compatible with you. None of which you know because all you know is that he looks at you sometimes. 

Don't you see how silly it is to have a connection and desire to be with this guy? When even if all your fantasies were real, it'd still be shaky and a bad start? 

Go find someone you can actually be with. You're wasting your life dreaming of love at first sight and fairy tale romance. If you really are almost 30, it's time to start thinking about your future and building lasting relationships


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## Satya

It's called a crush.
Is the chemicals hard at work making you think there's a connection when there is none.

Even if you were with him (and he left his wife), given enough time, I think you'd see him differently than you do now. But you're sure of what you feel, and I know enough to not try to advise someone who is still growing and learning about the world.

I sincerely wish you all the best.


----------



## Openminded

Exactly, Satya. It's a crush. I was just about to post that. Reminds me of an intense crush I had on a gorgeous boy all through high school. He gave every indication that he was attracted to me but he had a long-time girlfriend and he obviously wanted to keep her more than he wanted to date me. We went to different colleges and I never saw him again but decades later he tracked me down to say that he wished we had dated then but he just couldn't break up with her. So, OP, don't hold your breath he'll divorce her -- no matter how attracted to you he may be.


----------



## LADoll

Openminded said:


> Exactly, Satya. It's a crush. I was just about to post that. Reminds me of an intense crush I had on a gorgeous boy all through high school. He gave every indication that he was attracted to me but he had a long-time girlfriend and he obviously wanted to keep her more than he wanted to date me. We went to different colleges and I never saw him again but decades later he tracked me down to say that he wished we had dated then but he just couldn't break up with her. So, OP, don't hold your breath he'll divorce her -- no matter how attracted to you he may be.


Thank you for sharing this story. Reading it actually helped me. 

_(not that anyone else's hasn't) _


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## LaReine

*I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*

Go for it.

It will end one of four ways- 

1. you have sex a few times and he's done. No happy ending. Potentially work colleagues find out and you lose your job. Potentially his wife finds out and mAkes sure you lose your job and it ends their marriage (or they work through it and stay together). Or you realise what an idiot you've been.

2. You end up together and eventually he cheats on you too. His marriage ended. You both lose jobs, friends and family.

3. You end up together and stay together. You are forever labelled a home wrecker and are likely to wonder if he will ever cheat on you. He may not but you will wonder. Potential loss of jobs, friends and family.

4. He tells you he isn't interested. He's a family man. You feel like a fool. He tells someone and eventually you lose your job.

ETA: think about it like this- what do I have to gain from doing this? What do I have to lose? Is he willing to risk his comfortable (if as you say unhappy) life and lose 50% or more of everything, for me?
It doesn't look likely does it?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LADoll

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LaReine said:


> Go for it.
> 
> It will end one of four ways-
> 
> 1. you have sex a few times and he's done. No happy ending. Potentially work colleagues find out and you lose your job. Potentially his wife finds out and mAkes sure you lose your job and it ends their marriage (or they work through it and stay together). Or you realise what an idiot you've been.
> 
> 2. You end up together and eventually he cheats on you too. His marriage ended. You both lose jobs, friends and family.
> 
> 3. You end up together and stay together. You are forever labelled a home wrecker and are likely to wonder if he will ever cheat on you. He may not but you will wonder. Potential loss of jobs, friends and family.
> 
> 4. He tells you he isn't interested. He's a family man. You feel like a fool. He tells someone and eventually you lose your job.
> 
> ETA: think about it like this- what do I have to gain from doing this? What do I have to lose? Is he willing to risk his comfortable (if as you say unhappy) life and lose 50% or more of everything, for me?
> It doesn't look likely does it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



I do like the scenarios.....but I am going to tweek them just a little bit


1) We make love a few times, we see if we really want each other. If not, then we done with each other. No one at work would care that there was an affair (trust me when I say that my situation is boring compared to some of the affairs that have taken place at my job). Unless we make love at work, no one will care. But I have to say that I don't think that I want a sexual relationship with him while he's married. 

2) We end up together and he won't have any need to cheat...I have a very strong appetite. Again, no one is losing their jobs, family or friends over (I'm from LA...no one cares) If he cheated I would be angry for a while and then move on. 

3) We end up together and stay together (again I'm from LA and no one would care about how we got together) 

4) I would never approach or proposition a man directly. So this one won't happen.


----------



## LaReine

*I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> 2) We end up together and he won't have any need to cheat...I have a very strong appetite. Again, no one is losing their jobs, family or friends over (I'm from LA...no one cares) If he cheated I would be angry for a while and then move on.




Do you really believe that only unhappy unsatisfied men cheat? Lmao


I have family in LA. You clearly don't care or respect promises, but others do.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Do you think men only cheat on women with low sex drives? 

Doesn't matter where you're from, a relationship that started as an affair will always be looked down on. He will do the same to you. He will flirt with other girls, he'll get bored and not know how to keep the passion alive with one woman. 

You'll still be the girl who slept with a married man from work. The other wives will know about you and talk about you. 

If you're as desirable as you say you are, you wouldn't lower yourself so much just for one man. 

Work on your self esteem, know you deserve better. If he does want you, women who married men go for are not quality women. They are women they think are low enough to get easily. Figure out why this is what you are projecting to the men at your work.


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## LADoll

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LaReine said:


> Do you really believe that only unhappy unsatisfied men cheat? Lmao
> 
> 
> I have family in LA. You clearly don't care or respect promises, but others do.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think there are a few reasons that I am entertaining the notion of wanting to be with this guy:

1) Physically he is my type
2) He is handsome and stylish (and we would look really good together)
3) He signaled having a strong attraction from the moment we met
4) I didn't know that he was married until a few months ago (I just thought that he was shy) 
5) I feel a connection or spark with him
6) **I don't know the wife. I just learned of the existence of the wife a few months ago, I have never heard him or anyone else (including my boss) even mention the wife....so it is sort of out of sight out of mind
7)In the conversation that I happened to overhear, he was expressing problems in his marriage

I don't think that I would have even considered wanting him had I known from the beginning that he was a married man. If he had her picture on his desk or mentioned her in his casual conversations. I have never even heard my boss (his cousin) mention his wife. 

In my mind I know that it is wrong to still want him but my heart wants him. I know that if I place myself closer in his realm that he will want to "hang out" which is why have have been aloof (I was aloof before knowing he was married because I do like for guys to chase me). I have avoided it but maybe I should go out with him and other coworkers after work to get to know him better and learn more about his life. Perhaps it will change the way that I feel about him.


----------



## LaReine

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> I think there are a few reasons that I am entertaining the notion of wanting to be with this guy:
> 
> 
> 
> 1) Physically he is my type
> 
> 2) He is handsome and stylish (and we would look really good together)
> 
> 3) He signaled having a strong attraction from the moment we met
> 
> 4) I didn't know that he was married until a few months ago (I just thought that he was shy)
> 
> 5) I feel a connection or spark with him
> 
> 6) **I don't know the wife. I just learned of the existence of the wife a few months ago, I have never heard him or anyone else (including my boss) even mention the wife....so it is sort of out of sight out of mind
> 
> 7)In the conversation that I happened to overhear, he was expressing problems in his marriage
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think that I would have even considered wanting him had I known from the beginning that he was a married man. If he had her picture on his desk or mentioned her in his casual conversations. I have never even heard my boss (his cousin) mention his wife.
> 
> 
> 
> In my mind I know that it is wrong to still want him but my heart wants him. I know that if I place myself closer in his realm that he will want to "hang out" which is why have have been aloof (I was aloof before knowing he was married because I do like for guys to chase me). I have avoided it but maybe I should go out with him and other coworkers after work to get to know him better and learn more about his life. Perhaps it will change the way that I feel about him.




You need to stop thinking that your heart wants him. You are attracted to him and that's fine. I think you want to want him. I think I'm a convoluted way it makes you feel less guilty if it is your heart, because your head knows better.

By all means go out with a group and chat. You may see another side of him. You may see him flirt with others there. Perhaps you are his "work flirt" for lack of a better term.

Say you go and like him more and he expresses a similar like? Then you need to ask the questions I posed earlier- is it worth it?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Men go for what they want. If he really was showing you he felt the same he'd have tried something by now. A personal conversation, asking you questions about your personal life. Something. 

"signally he had a strong attraction" is not looking at you for months and sometimes coming to your section. 
He thinks you're someone who he may be able to bang sometimes when his wife bores him. 

I've had more signals of attraction by random men I pass on the street. 

There are plenty of hot guys, plenty of men you'll have a spark with. Stop going for ones that are unavailable and aren't actually trying to be in a relationship with you.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I do not disagree with you on most of what you have stated above.
> 
> How do I know that his wife isn't who he thought that she was? Or that his needs aren't being met? Or that he knows that he made a mistake by marrying her? I really have not given her very much thought. Or maybe it is just easier if I don't think about her.
> 
> Perhaps I am blinded by his gorgeous looks and his amazing style. Perhaps its just because I love the way that he looks at me because it is him looking at me. Perhaps its because I felt a spark and the spark is really rare.


So you think its ok for someone to cheat because apparently his 'needs' aren't being met?Most people live together for years before marriage now, I am sure that he knew her well enough. Marriage is all about working on these things, being unselfish, putting the other first, loving despite rocky patches. Also being faithful. 
You seem to have a very casual idea of what marriage is, as if we can just throw it away because it's not exactly as we thought it should be. How would you feel if you were in his wives position and he was flirting with other women?


----------



## Diana7

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> I think there are a few reasons that I am entertaining the notion of wanting to be with this guy:
> 
> 1) Physically he is my type
> 2) He is handsome and stylish (and we would look really good together)
> 3) He signaled having a strong attraction from the moment we met
> 4) I didn't know that he was married until a few months ago (I just thought that he was shy)
> 5) I feel a connection or spark with him
> 6) **I don't know the wife. I just learned of the existence of the wife a few months ago, I have never heard him or anyone else (including my boss) even mention the wife....so it is sort of out of sight out of mind
> 7)In the conversation that I happened to overhear, he was expressing problems in his marriage
> 
> I don't think that I would have even considered wanting him had I known from the beginning that he was a married man. If he had her picture on his desk or mentioned her in his casual conversations. I have never even heard my boss (his cousin) mention his wife.
> 
> In my mind I know that it is wrong to still want him but my heart wants him. I know that if I place myself closer in his realm that he will want to "hang out" which is why have have been aloof (I was aloof before knowing he was married because I do like for guys to chase me). I have avoided it but maybe I should go out with him and other coworkers after work to get to know him better and learn more about his life. Perhaps it will change the way that I feel about him.


Is it honestly worth breaking up a marriage and being the OW just because you would look good together? How shallow is that? 
We all have temptations in life, but we used self-control and integrity not to go there.Do you honestly want to be used by a married man? Most men who have mistresses never leave their wives. You would be his bit on the side. A man who doesn't respect his wife or marriage, and doesn't even wear his wedding ring, is NOT going to treat his mistress well.


----------



## Diana7

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> I do like the scenarios.....but I am going to tweek them just a little bit
> 
> 
> 1) We make love a few times, we see if we really want each other. If not, then
> we done with each other. No one at work would care that there was an affair (trust me when I say that my situation is boring compared to some of the affairs that have taken place at my job). Unless we make love at work, no one will care. But I have to say that I don't think that I want a sexual relationship with him while he's married.
> 
> 2) We end up together and he won't have any need to cheat...I have a very strong appetite. Again, no one is losing their jobs, family or friends over (I'm from LA...no one cares) If he cheated I would be angry for a while and then move on.
> 
> 3) We end up together and stay together (again I'm from LA and no one would care about how we got together)
> 
> 4) I would never approach or proposition a man directly. So this one won't happen.


If a man has no integrity or moral values he will cheat no matter how much sex he is having at home. There is far more to marriage than that.


----------



## Blondilocks

Your attraction to him has nothing to do with your head or your heart and all to do with your loins. When you see him, think of a cold shower. 

There is no such thing as 'the one'. By focusing on him, you are mentally removing yourself from the dating pool. Get out there and date and find that someone with whom you can build a relationship. Guys like him are a dime a dozen.


----------



## Bibi1031

The only true way to full proof a relationship to infidelity is by not being in one quite honestly. We are all human. As humans we go through periods where we feel vulnerable for a variety of reasons. It is during those low periods that we fall into all kinds of temptations. Having a firm moral compass and sticking to our values may help us navigate successfully through our down times without reaking havoc on our lives. 

Heck, you have said it yourself, you have pushed away taken men that have propositioned you before. Why didn't you fall for them? Why are you entertaining having a relationship with this one if you know he is married? Why are you making excuses to give this married man a chance when his moral compass is nonexistant? Why do you think he would be a good catch when he is married and obviously doesn't respect the institution of marriage, much less his wife because he doesn't wear a ring and he shows no trace in his work area that he is a taken man? Based on what you already know that he is indeed a tad shady, why do you still listen to your heart? 

You are more than chemicsls and hormones, that is what attraction is. That spark is what ignites great passions and eventually true love. This that you feel for this married man is in its infancy so to speak. It is in your best interest to nip this spark/attraction/temptation in the bud. Stop obsessing that he may be "the one" . He will be "the one" that thank goodness you dodged that bullet in all honesty. 

Full speed shead, to finding the real "the one" for you. This one ain't it. Your head knows it. Your heart will soon catch up and allow you to be attracted to a much wiser choice with far better odds in your favor.


----------



## Don't Panic

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> (I'm from LA...no one cares) If he cheated I would be angry for a while and then move on.
> 
> 3) We end up together and stay together (again I'm from LA and no one would care about how we got together)


Ummmm huh? 
I also have family in LA and I mean...I realize it's kinda, sorta, a big city and all (typing with my best hillbilly drawl here).....seriously LADoll? Morals, values, a code of ethics, all of these things guide a person's life regardless of the city. It truly IS in your own best interest to have those guides in place, time will teach you this. 

Perhaps it's my cousins' mid-western ancestral roots, they do not condone cheating or pining away over married men/women. 

But hey, you be you Doll


----------



## AVR1962

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> I do like the scenarios.....but I am going to tweek them just a little bit
> 
> 
> 1) We make love a few times, we see if we really want each other. If not, then we done with each other. No one at work would care that there was an affair (trust me when I say that my situation is boring compared to some of the affairs that have taken place at my job). Unless we make love at work, no one will care. But I have to say that I don't think that I want a sexual relationship with him while he's married.
> 
> 2) We end up together and he won't have any need to cheat...I have a very strong appetite. Again, no one is losing their jobs, family or friends over (I'm from LA...no one cares) If he cheated I would be angry for a while and then move on.
> 
> 3) We end up together and stay together (again I'm from LA and no one would care about how we got together)
> 
> 4) I would never approach or proposition a man directly. So this one won't happen.


Tell me why you would even think of sleeping with a married man? Do you really honestly believe that this man is not having sex with his wife? Do you want to share a sex partner. What about his wife? Do you have any compassion for her? What if it were you in that very situation and your hubby was checking out some girl? How would you feel?

My first husband was a charmer and I never understood why these women would sleep with him knowing he was married with children. We certainly were not sleeping in separate bedrooms. Infact, the man was very insistent that we have sex and quite frequently. You do not know this man, you do not know what he is capable of, what his mind set is. You are caught up in a euphoric high and you need to come back to reality.


----------



## Leroi

I don't uderstand why you are still here on TAM writing.
No matter what you are being told, you have already decided to go for it.

My personal pov: it'ok. You are free, HE is the married one, so it'll be his choice.

Only don't expect comprehension once he'll go back to his nest. Or, sholud you become his new partner, once he'll start looking for a new one. Because he will, for sure.


----------



## Good Guy

Plenty of decent single men out there, or even scumbag single men, as that seems to be your type. Why not go for one of those?


----------



## Rick Blaine

Look, LA Doll is getting her jollies yanking our chains in the same way she gets her thrills stealing another woman's man. That's what this about. I'm out.


----------



## Adelais

Have you contacted the Mods to change the title of your thread to read, "Hoping to become the "other" woman" yet? 

I don't know why your thread is allowed to continue on a forum called, "Talk about Marriage.

You belong on Love Shack, or "Homewreckers Unite!"


----------



## LADoll

Araucaria said:


> Have you contacted the Mods to change the title of your thread to read, "Hoping to become the "other" woman" yet?
> *
> I don't know why your thread is allowed to continue on a forum called, "Talk about Marriage.*
> 
> You belong on Love Shack, or "Homewreckers Unite!"


Mainly because I wanted the advice and feedback of married men and women on my situation. 

And because I didn't understand why a man who is unhappily married or who is complaining about his wife would stay married to her. I still don't fully understand it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

You heard one complaint. That doesn't tell you he is unhappy with his marriage. 

Do you think marriages will never have bad times? Never have things you complain about? You stay together and work through it. That's marriage.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> You heard one complaint. That doesn't tell you he is unhappy with his marriage.
> 
> Do you think marriages will never have bad times? Never have things you complain about? You stay together and work through it. That's marriage.


I think that it was the combination of it being the first time that I had heard mention of the existence of a wife AND that he was complaining. Then I coupled it with him staring at me each and every day along with never mentioning his wife acting jealous whenever other guys are talking to me. 

I am truly still trying to wrap my brain around the "he's married and not available to me" concept.


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> Mainly because I wanted the advice and feedback of married men and women on my situation.
> 
> 
> 
> And because I didn't understand why a man who is unhappily married or who is complaining about his wife would stay married to her. I still don't fully understand it.




You don't know that he is unhappily married.

My husband and I often ask friends for relationship/marriage advice. That doesn't mean we are unhappy. It means we want to work on our marriage and keep it strong.
We complain about each their all the time- he's lazy and I'm too structured.

You are assuming a lot given that, as you've said, you've never even had a conversation with him.

My husband cheated on me once. It was before we were married and was almost the end of us. He wasn't getting why I was so upset months later, we were in counselling and I remember clearly turning to him and saying, "Forget that I'm the wronged one for a minute. Say it's your daughter. Her husband has cheated on her. Should she get over it right away?" That made him really think and he got very angry at himself. We moved on, with a lot of work and luck.

If you had a daughter, would you trust a man who did this to her?




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## samyeagar

LADoll said:


> I think that it was the combination of it being the first time that I had heard mention of the existence of a wife AND that he was complaining. Then I coupled it with him staring at me each and every day along with never mentioning his wife acting jealous whenever other guys are talking to me.
> 
> I am truly still trying to wrap my brain around the "he's married and not available to me" concept.


To most normal people, that concept is a given. Full stop. No further reason or mind wrapping needed.


----------



## *Deidre*

LADoll said:


> I think that it was the combination of it being the first time that I had heard mention of the existence of a wife AND that he was complaining. Then I coupled it with him staring at me each and every day along with never mentioning his wife acting jealous whenever other guys are talking to me.
> 
> I am truly still trying to wrap my brain around the "he's married and not available to me" concept.


He's available to you, but sort like how you rent a bicycle on vacation. You don't get to take it home and keep it. So, if you don't mind that arrangement, then...


----------



## aine

LADoll said:


> Mainly because I wanted the advice and feedback of married men and women on my situation.
> 
> And because I didn't understand why a man who is unhappily married or who is complaining about his wife would stay married to her. I still don't fully understand it.


And because I didn't understand why a single woman who wants to chase after a married man when there are so many single men out there. I still don't fully understand it.


----------



## LADoll

LaReine said:


> You don't know that he is unhappily married.
> 
> My husband and I often ask friends for relationship/marriage advice. That doesn't mean we are unhappy. It means we want to work on our marriage and keep it strong.
> We complain about each their all the time- he's lazy and I'm too structured.
> 
> You are assuming a lot given that, as you've said, you've never even had a conversation with him.
> 
> My husband cheated on me once. It was before we were married and was almost the end of us. He wasn't getting why I was so upset months later, we were in counselling and I remember clearly turning to him and saying, "Forget that I'm the wronged one for a minute. Say it's your daughter. Her husband has cheated on her. Should she get over it right away?" That made him really think and he got very angry at himself. We moved on, with a lot of work and luck.
> 
> If you had a daughter, would you trust a man who did this to her?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sometimes couples are just not compatible and one partner wants to move on. It happens. Its painful but it happens. Sometimes one person in the relationship lacks something that the other personal can not live without. It happens. 

Again, I know nothing about his wife (except for the convo that I overheard where he was saying that she was lazy and lacks in intimacy). She could be a saint or she could be a demon. She may be perfect or she may be a disaster. I do not know. But I know that whatever is happening with them, I draw his attention each and every day. Maybe I have qualities that she lacks. Perhaps I am more attractive and he wants to "experience" me because I am different from her. Perhaps he is thinking about how to end his relationship with her but knows that he will have to financially support her. I don't know.

Also, I did not say that I have not had conversations with him. I said that I was aloof and now that I know that he is married have been avoiding him. He still places himself in my space at work.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I think that it was the combination of it being the first time that I had heard mention of the existence of a wife AND that he was complaining. Then I coupled it with him staring at me each and every day along with never mentioning his wife acting jealous whenever other guys are talking to me.
> 
> I am truly still trying to wrap my brain around the "he's married and not available to me" concept.


Really? Seriously? So if you were married you would be ok if other women went after your husband, hoped that your marriage broke up, and he flirted with them and he cheated with them? 
Its because when you are married you make promises to each other. You promise to forsake all others. To be faithful. To be with them for better and for worse. A good man will not act the way he does. A good husband will focus his attention on his wife. A good man will be a good and faithful husband.
A good woman of integrity will not even think of going after a married man.


----------



## LADoll

samyeagar said:


> To most normal people, that concept is a given. Full stop. No further reason or mind wrapping needed.


Again, I don't understand how a man in the honeymoon period of his marriage to a woman with whom he is fully satisfied (romantically, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually, etc.) is vying for the attention of another woman on the daily.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> Sometimes couples are just not compatible and one partner wants to move on. It happens. Its painful but it happens. Sometimes one person in the relationship lacks something that the other personal can not live without. It happens.
> 
> Again, I know nothing about his wife (except for the convo that I overheard where he was saying that she was lazy and lacks in intimacy). She could be a saint or she could be a demon. She may be perfect or she may be a disaster. I do not know. But I know that whatever is happening with them, I draw his attention each and every day. Maybe I have qualities that she lacks. Perhaps I am more attractive and he wants to "experience" me because I am different from her. Perhaps he is thinking about how to end his relationship with her but knows that he will have to financially support her. I don't know.
> 
> Also, I did not say that I have not had conversations with him. I said that I was aloof and now that I know that he is married have been avoiding him. He still places himself in my space at work.


I am sure his wife is lovely and I am sure she is beautiful to him or why would he have married her. You know nothing about their marriage or her, and you continue to be very arrogant about how attractive you are, and arrogance is a very unattractive quality. If you are so attractive then why do you need to fantasise about a married man? She probably lacks nothing, while you lack moral values, humility and integrity.You lack any sense of respect for others marriages and how they may get hurt. 
If he really acts that way, then why hasn't your cousin said anything to him? Why haven't you reported him for his behaviour?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Some people want what they can't have. His allure would wear off if he was available. 

You don't want a guy who can't keep his focus on one woman. 

If it wasn't you it would be someone else. You shouldn't take it as a compliment. Men who flirt while married do not look for quality, they look for easy. They are also very unlikely to want to date the kinds of girls they go after while married. They look for the hour pay hotel girls they wouldn't show the world. Their wife is typically the the one they want day to day life with, the women they go after are just for fun.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> Again, I don't understand how a man in the honeymoon period of his marriage to a woman with whom he is fully satisfied (romantically, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually, etc.) is vying for the attention of another woman on the daily.


If indeed he is doing that, then its because he is a man with no integrity or decency. Having a lovely spouse and a good marriage doesn't stop people like that from cheating, flirting and oggling. Besides that, its really none of your business, he is taken.


----------



## LADoll

Diana7 said:


> Really? Seriously? So if you were married you would be ok if other women went after your husband, hoped that your marriage broke up, and he flirted with them and he cheated with them?
> Its because when you are married you make promises to each other. You promise to forsake all others. To be faithful. To be with them for better and for worse. A good man will not act the way he does. A good husband will focus his attention on his wife. A good man will be a good and faithful husband.
> A good woman of integrity will not even think of going after a married man.


Maybe he isn't married to a good woman. Maybe she is not a good wife. Maybe she isn't doing what she promised to do in their marriage and he is disappointed. Maybe he can not imagine living his live with a woman who isn't holding up her portion of her vows. Maybe he is frustrated with her and is looking elsewhere and sees that he could have chosen "better". 

Perhaps he is seeking an opportunity to be unfaithful which is breaking his vows but she is most likely not doing something to uphold her vows as well. None of us can know except for those two.


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Some people want what they can't have. His allure would wear off if he was available.
> 
> You don't want a guy who can't keep his focus on one woman.
> 
> If it wasn't you it would be someone else. You shouldn't take it as a compliment. Men who flirt while married do not look for quality, they look for easy. They are also very unlikely to want to date the kinds of girls they go after while married. They look for the hour pay hotel girls they wouldn't show the world. Their wife is typically the the one they want day to day life with, the women they go after are just for fun.


There truly is nothing "easy" or low rent about me. 

Again, the personal attacks are unnecessary. How can you judge my morals with such dirty and low comments as those above? And you want to question my character?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

LADoll said:


> There truly is nothing "easy" or low rent about me.
> 
> Again, the personal attacks are unnecessary. How can you judge my morals with such dirty and low comments as those above? And you want to question my character?


I'm telling you what married men think about the women they chase after. If you aren't that woman then don't let him treat you like you are. 

For whatever reason you are giving him the impression that you are easy and low morals enough to be with a married man. It's really not a compliment when a married man chases you. It is insulting that they think so little of you. 

Men who cheat will do so with whoever will do it. They aren't looking for a quality partner.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> Maybe he isn't married to a good woman. Maybe she is not a good wife. Maybe she isn't doing what she promised to do in their marriage and he is disappointed. Maybe he can not imagine living his live with a woman who isn't holding up her portion of her vows. Maybe he is frustrated with her and is looking elsewhere and sees that he could have chosen "better".
> 
> Perhaps he is seeking an opportunity to be unfaithful which is breaking his vows but she is most likely not doing something to uphold her vows as well. None of us can know except for those two.


So what? It's not your business. I am sure she isn't perfect, he certainly isn't, none of us are, but marriage is about 2 imperfect people working together in a covenant relationship for better and for worse. Where are your moral values?


----------



## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm telling you what married men think about the women they chase after. If you aren't that woman then don't let him treat you like you are.
> 
> For whatever reason you are giving him the impression that you are easy and low morals enough to be with a married man. It's really not a compliment when a married man chases you. It is insulting that they think so little of you.
> 
> Men who cheat will do so with whoever will do it. They aren't looking for a quality partner.


I came here for a bit of advice and feedback on my situation and not to basically be called a w**** 

That truly was out of line. I am human. I am not perfect. I have my flaws but I did not deserve to be called disgusting names.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> There truly is nothing "easy" or low rent about me.
> 
> Again, the personal attacks are unnecessary. How can you judge my morals with such dirty and low comments as those above? And you want to question my character?


A woman with any character wouldn't be hoping for someone's marriage to break up or thinking of an affair with a married man.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

LADoll said:


> I came here for a bit of advice and feedback on my situation and not to basically be called a w****
> 
> That truly was out of line. I am human. I am not perfect. I have my flaws but I did not deserve to be called disgusting names.


And I am telling you that you should be considering yourself better than that and not thinking his attention is a compliment. It's not. 

If he really is interested in you, which there still isn't enough to say but you believe he is, it's insulting. It means he thinks lowly of you. He thinks you are easy and have no morals. 

Have enough self esteem to not let yourself be treated like some wh*re he can go to when he's bored with his wife. 

Affair partners are not quality people. If you don't want to be in that group, don't be. Stop letting him.


----------



## MrsHolland

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> And I am telling you that you should be considering yourself better than that and not thinking his attention is a compliment. It's not.
> 
> If he really is interested in you, which there still isn't enough to say but you believe he is, it's insulting. It means he thinks lowly of you. He thinks you are easy and have no morals.
> 
> Have enough self esteem to not let yourself be treated like some wh*re he can go to when he's bored with his wife.
> 
> Affair partners are not quality people. If you don't want to be in that group, don't be. Stop letting him.


Sadly mental health issues will always be more powerful than rational thinking.


----------



## LaReine

You don't need to understand it.

You need to be an adult and have a conversation with him. If he wants to pursue something you need to either say "no you are married," and let that be the end of it, or tell him you will see him when he leaves his wife and you have proof.

Do not become the third person in their marriage, no matter how happy or unhappy it is.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> but she is most likely not doing something to uphold her vows as well.



You have no basis for this.

I worked in mediation for 4 years. I saw many couples come through the door due to cheating and in the majority of cases the cheater did it because they could, not because of issues at home.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> There truly is nothing "easy" or low rent about me.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, the personal attacks are unnecessary. How can you judge my morals with such dirty and low comments as those above? And you want to question my character?




How can you judge a wife you know nothing about?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> Maybe he isn't married to a good woman. Maybe she is not a good wife. Maybe she isn't doing what she promised to do in their marriage and he is disappointed. Maybe he can not imagine living his live with a woman who isn't holding up her portion of her vows. Maybe he is frustrated with her and is looking elsewhere and sees that he could have chosen "better".
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps he is seeking an opportunity to be unfaithful which is breaking his vows but she is most likely not doing something to uphold her vows as well. None of us can know except for those two.




Maybe he's cheated before and while trying to deal with that she has become distant and so he is doing so again...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub

In LA......

No one cares....


----------



## LADoll

Diana7 said:


> I am sure his wife is lovely and I am sure she is beautiful to him or why would he have married her. You know nothing about their marriage or her, and you continue to be very arrogant about how attractive you are, and arrogance is a very unattractive quality. If you are so attractive then why do you need to fantasise about a married man? She probably lacks nothing, while you lack moral values, humility and integrity.You lack any sense of respect for others marriages and how they may get hurt.
> If he really acts that way, then why hasn't your cousin said anything to him? Why haven't you reported him for his behaviour?


By verbally attacking me you have shown your true moral character. I have actually done NOTHING wrong, the same can not be said for you. 

Again, my boss is HIS cousin not mine as I have stated previously.


----------



## LADoll

LaReine said:


> Maybe he's cheated before and while trying to deal with that she has become distant and so he is doing so again...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Or maybe SHE has cheated before....


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

LADoll said:


> Or maybe SHE has cheated before....


He is the one with low boundaries and low morals. 

If he was really unhappy and wanted to be with you he'd have done something to change his situation in the months you've had this "connection" 

He's not. At most he wants a side piece and that is not flattering to you. 

Figure out why you are projecting this image to men at work and work on your self esteem so you get attention from *quality* men who actually care about you.


----------



## LaReine

Jesus H Christ. My 12 year old is more mature than this.

Stop blaming a wife for a husband's infidelity.
Stop assuming he wants you.
Stop saying how attractive you are.
Stop whinging that people are attacking you and calling you names, they are not. No one has done that.

Just. Stop.

My god everything is about how "some people" "sometimes". It's all his wife. It's all how attractive you are.

Grow up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I'm starting to wonder about the realness of this and I'm feeling silly for being strung along. 

I guess there are really people like this out there but it's sounding more and more far fetched.


----------



## LADoll

LaReine said:


> Jesus H Christ. My 12 year old is more mature than this.
> 
> Stop blaming a wife for a husband's infidelity.
> Stop assuming he wants you.
> Stop saying how attractive you are.
> Stop whinging that people are attacking you and calling you names, they are not. No one has done that.
> 
> Just. Stop.
> 
> My god everything is about how "some people" "sometimes". It's all his wife. It's all how attractive you are.
> 
> Grow up.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


1) Stop assuming things that you do not know as fact you do not know if the wife is a saint or a sinner.
2) His actions say differently 
3) I do not keep saying that I am attractive, other posters keep making that comment based on one or two posts
4) There were several posts referring to me as a w**** even though I have never even kissed or touched him. 

I truly understand now why some men do seek out the comfort of other women. Some wives are vicious, self righteous, catty and just plain mean spirited. Having a marriage license does not give you the right to degrade other women.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

LADoll said:


> 1) Stop assuming things that you do not know as fact you do not know if the wife is a saint or a sinner.


No assumption necessary here. Bottom line here: this is completely and utterly irrelevant. Whether she's wife of the year or dog of the year makes ZERO dif... it is not an excuse for cheating or even "his actions" so far.

The fact that you are lapping up this attention (real or imagined) is why your moral character has been called into question, and rightfully so. 

Even if her being a bad wife was an excuse (which it's not), you also have no first hand knowledge of who she is and how good a wife she is, so your paying any heed to his possible attentions just solidifies others' negative assessments of your character.


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> 1) Stop assuming things that you do not know as fact you do not know if the wife is a saint or a sinner.
> 2) His actions say differently
> 3) I do not keep saying that I am attractive, other posters keep making that comment based on one or two posts
> 4) There were several posts referring to me as a w**** even though I have never even kissed or touched him.
> 
> I truly understand now why some men do seek out the comfort of other women. Some wives are vicious, self righteous, catty and just plain mean spirited. Having a marriage license does not give you the right to degrade other women.




I assumed no such thing. I said "maybe" "if" and "possibly". YOU keep saying "unhappy" and "likely".

Yes, yes you do. Look at your posts.

Nowhere has anyone referred to you as a w****. They have said that this is how men who cheat view their cheat partners. 
I have never degraded another woman, thank you. 
Nothing gives anyone the right to do so.

Nothing gives you the right to hope a marriage will end.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Bibi1031

LADoll said:


> I truly understand now why some men do seek out the comfort of other women. Some wives are vicious, self righteous, catty and just plain mean spirited. Having a marriage license does not give you the right to degrade other women.


Its all making sense now. You are jealous because no man has proposed marriage to you. You think you are God's gift to any man that even glances at you, yet not one single man has taken you to the altar and you are approaching 30 and moste women your age are already married and this makes your blood boil and you project on the married women on here. You hate that most women here have had at least one marriage license under their belts and you can"t even get this shady, lose morals guy to flat out make you an OW let alone leave his wife. You can ASSume all you want, she still has what you so desperstely desire. She has a marriage license!


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## LADoll

Bibi1031 said:


> Its all making sense now. You are jealous because no man has proposed marriage to you. You think you are God's gift to any man that even glances at you, yet not one single man has taken you to the altar and you are approaching 30 and moste women your age are already married and this makes your blood boil and you project on the married women on here. You hate that most women here have had at least one marriage license under their belts and you can"t even get this shady, lose morals guy to flat out make you an OW let alone leave his wife. You can ASSume all you want, she still has what you so desperstely desire. She has a marriage license!


The vicious verbal attacks are a reflection of your moral character. 

I have never stated whether or not I have had a marriage proposal. Or whether or not I have declined a proposal.


----------



## MrsHolland

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm starting to wonder about the realness of this and I'm feeling silly for being strung along.
> 
> I guess there are really people like this out there but it's sounding more and more far fetched.


There are people out there like this which is really sad. I believe very little on TAM but it often reflects real life stories you hear out there.


----------



## MattMatt

Is it possible that his attraction to you is mainly in your own mind? Thst he shows you no more than common courtesy as a colleague?

Unrequited passions can be hard to cope with.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> By verbally attacking me you have shown your true moral character. I have actually done NOTHING wrong, the same can not be said for you.
> 
> Again, my boss is HIS cousin not mine as I have stated previously.


It wasnt me who verbally attacked you! I was merely replying to your post.


----------



## Diana7

LADoll said:


> 1) Stop assuming things that you do not know as fact you do not know if the wife is a saint or a sinner.
> 2) His actions say differently
> 3) I do not keep saying that I am attractive, other posters keep making that comment based on one or two posts
> 4) There were several posts referring to me as a w**** even though I have never even kissed or touched him.
> 
> I truly understand now why some men do seek out the comfort of other women. Some wives are vicious, self righteous, catty and just plain mean spirited. Having a marriage license does not give you the right to degrade other women.


Some single women are vicious, self righteous, catty and mean spirited as well, and some husbands treat their wives badly, cheat and break their vows, sadly that's life.


----------



## Blondilocks

Your character wouldn't be called into question if you were here to get advice on how to handle your boss' married cousin making you uncomfortable at work with his attention.


----------



## Satya

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> I came here for a bit of advice and feedback on my situation and not to basically be called a w****
> 
> That truly was out of line. I am human. I am not perfect. I have my flaws but I did not deserve to be called disgusting names.


Actually, I think SGC is trying to encourage you to protect your dignity. You are seeing it as an attack because that's what you want to see.

I don't know what kind of advice you want. Whatever it is you don't seem to be getting it here in quantities to your liking. I applaud you continuing to post here, but your opinion seems fairly unchanged. I think you know what you want and none of us here can really choose for you. You really don't need (or want) validation or assurance from us that what you may desire is right, wrong, or undecided. Only you can decide that and act according to your morals.


----------



## Bibi1031

LADoll said:


> The vicious verbal attacks are a reflection of your moral character.
> 
> I have never stated whether or not I have had a marriage proposal. Or whether or not I have declined a proposal.


Vicious verbal attacks you say? You initiated this so called viciousness towards you by placing yourself on the "other woman" side of the coin so to speak. Hopefully you didn't do this on purpose and not pull betrayed spouses (BS) buttons. 

Sadly, the more you post, the more we realize just how little you know about infidelity and why it happens and how much growth you lack regarding long lasting, healthy, meaningful relationships.


----------



## samyeagar

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm starting to wonder about the realness of this and I'm feeling silly for being strung along.
> 
> I guess there are really people like this out there but it's sounding more and more far fetched.


Oh I got this feeling many pages ago, which is why I stopped engaging after I brought up the same things you have been in the last couple of pages...about how this guys sees LADoll as low hanging easy fruit.


----------



## AVR1962

Doll, it is obvious you want this....play it out....see where it goes and report back to us.


----------



## Diana7

AVR1962 said:


> Doll, it is obvious you want this....play it out....see where it goes and report back to us.


For the sake of the man's wife and marriage, please don't!!!


----------



## Cynthia

LADoll said:


> 1) Stop assuming things that you do not know as fact you do not know if the wife is a saint or a sinner.
> 2) His actions say differently
> 3) I do not keep saying that I am attractive, other posters keep making that comment based on one or two posts
> 4) There were several posts referring to me as a w**** even though I have never even kissed or touched him.
> 
> I truly understand now why some men do seek out the comfort of other women. Some wives are vicious, self righteous, catty and just plain mean spirited. Having a marriage license does not give you the right to degrade other women.


You seem to think that it's okay to get involved with a married man if his marriage is in poor condition. I doubt anyone here agrees with you. It doesn't matter what shape his marriage is in. He is not available to you, even if you have some special connection and attraction. He would not have married his wife if he didn't think they had some special connection and attraction, but if he is now interested in pursuing you, clearly he has low moral character. If you engage with him romantically or sexually on any level, that would indicate low moral character on your part. 

It doesn't matter if his wife is a rotten person. It doesn't matter if you two are attracted to each other. He is a married man and therefore he should either work things out with her or divorce her. Carrying on with someone other than one's spouse when one is already in a committed relationship, which is what marriage is, is foolhardy and low life behavior. If you want to hook up with a low life character, that's up to you, but don't think it's going to be a bed of roses.

If a person is cheating on his/her spouse, that does not mean that there is something wrong with the spouse. It always means there is something wrong with the cheater.


----------



## AVR1962

Diana7 said:


> For the sake of the man's wife and marriage, please don't!!!


She doesn't care and she isn't listening to good advise. She is too caught up in her own emotional thoughts and fantasies. Once we cross this point the only way to learn is from our mistakes.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

If she is real, she likes thinking she's better than his wife and he'd leave his wife for her cause she's so much prettier and nicer. She doesn't want him, she doesn't even know the guy, she just likes the ego boost of thinking men are into her. 

Some men do this too, go after married women for the thrill of being able to get a woman to cheat on her husband for him. It's a little narcissistic. They don't seem to realize that it means nothing other than that you were there and had low enough morals to agree. 

I am very insulted every time a married man tried to talk to me online or in person, and it's certainly not rare. WTF do I look like to you that you think I'd do something like that? I have standards.


----------



## samyeagar

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If she is real, she likes thinking she's better than his wife and he'd leave his wife for her cause she's so much prettier and nicer. She doesn't want him, she doesn't even know the guy, she just likes the ego boost of thinking men are into her.
> 
> Some men do this too, go after married women for the thrill of being able to get a woman to cheat on her husband for him. It's a little narcissistic. They don't seem to realize that it means nothing other than that you were there and had low enough morals to agree.
> 
> I am very insulted every time a married man tried to talk to me online or in person, and it's certainly not rare. WTF do I look like to you that you think I'd do something like that? I have standards.


I apologize for insulting you


----------



## MrsHolland

samyeagar said:


> I apologize for insulting you


Well you are in big trouble Sam, talking online to multiple women for years, Shame, shame, shame.

I want an apology too.


----------



## Bibi1031

MrsHolland said:


> Well you are in big trouble Sam, talking online to multiple women for years, Shame, shame, shame.
> 
> I want an apology too.


Dang dude, if you think anywhere in the radar of @LADoll , how many of these online women you post with think you have undieing love for them and can't wait to jump their bones and live with them happily ever after and til death due us part. >

:slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:


----------



## samyeagar

MrsHolland said:


> Well you are in big trouble Sam, talking online to multiple women for years, Shame, shame, shame.
> 
> I want an apology too.


And I most humbly apologize to you



Bibi1031 said:


> Dang dude, if you think anywhere in the radar of @LADoll , how many of these online women you post with think you have undieing love for them and can't wait to jump their bones and live with them happily ever after and til death due us part. >
> 
> :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:


And you

And the ones I do have undying love for...I apologize to them as well


----------



## MrsHolland

samyeagar said:


> And I most humbly apologize to you
> 
> 
> 
> And you
> 
> And the ones I do have undying love for...I apologize to them as well


Apology accepted Sir. 

Now, just watch out for LAdoll, she has a thing for married men.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I think we have a connection. I feel it.


----------



## LADoll

MattMatt said:


> Is it possible that his attraction to you is mainly in your own mind? Thst he shows you no more than common courtesy as a colleague?
> 
> Unrequited passions can be hard to cope with.


I have thought about it but the answer really is no. He has been staring at me (like someone who likes what they see) from the very first moment that I met him. Making every effort to be around me. Coming to me to ask questions that I know that knows the answer. Always sitting next to me at meetings or company events. Smelling mu perfume. Touching my hair. "Accidentally" brushing up against me. He makes a beeline to my desk whenever he sees other male coworkers come to my desk or he always watches/ stares when I am talking to other guys at work. His eyes are on me constantly. He has never mentioned having a wife, ever. He does not have a picture of her on his desk. My boss (his cousin) has never mentioned his wife, ever. He does not wear a wedding ring. His overall demeanor is reserved and I just thought that he had a crush but was shy.

I have tried to observe if he does this to other women at work (there are a lot of attractive women at my company) but I have not seen him exhibit the same behavior.


----------



## LADoll

MrsHolland said:


> Now, just watch out for LAdoll, she has a thing for married men.


I do not have a "thing" for married men. 

As I have stated previously I have turned down married men who truly could have helped my career and a few who offered "arrangements" that would have been very beneficial financially. This guy offers NONE of those options. 

I did not know that he was married, When I learned that he was married I already had started to develop a fondness for him. And yes I wish that he also happened to be available, but he is not.


----------



## LaReine

Why would his boss mention his wife?? That's personal and not work related and would be very unprofessional, even if they are cousins.

My husband doesn't talk about me at work or have pictures in his desk either. Why would he? I don't work with him and he knows what I look like!

I don't wear my wedding ring. I'm still married.

So he doesn't flirt with others at work. That doesn't mean there aren't others. 

None of this indicates anything wrong with his marriage. Even if it did he is still married.

Okay you didn't know that in the beginning, but now you do. Nothing has happened. End of.

Start ignoring him. If he truly wants you he will tell you. 

A man will not continue to flirt with someone who isn't giving them some sort of indication that they are interested.

Has anyone else noticed his behaviour?

I find it hard to believe he is so obvious and no one has said anything.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LADoll

LaReine said:


> Why would his boss mention his wife?? That's personal and not work related and would be very unprofessional, even if they are cousins. *MY boss is his cousin. We actually talk about a lot of personal things*
> 
> My husband doesn't talk about me at work or have pictures in his desk either. Why would he? I don't work with him and he knows what I look like! *Some do and some do not. I was just stating facts to explain why I didn't know that he is married*
> 
> I don't wear my wedding ring. I'm still married. *Same answer as above*
> 
> So he doesn't flirt with others at work. That doesn't mean there aren't others. *I was just making the observation about his behavior with other women at work*
> 
> None of this indicates anything wrong with his marriage. Even if it did he is still married. *I overheard his convo complaining about issues in his marriage. Yes he is still married (for now)*
> 
> Okay you didn't know that in the beginning, but now you do. Nothing has happened. End of. *But now I want him too*
> 
> Start ignoring him. If he truly wants you he will tell you.* I have been aloof with him from day one. *
> 
> A man will not continue to flirt with someone who isn't giving them some sort of indication that they are interested. *Unless they really like and or want that woman because I don't flirt with him*
> 
> Has anyone else noticed his behaviour?* One of my female coworkers (who sits in front of me) has noticed that he always comes to my desk to join the convo when guys comes to visit me. Another female coworker witnessed him asking me a question that we both know that he knew the answer to himself; she just gave me a strange look like "why did he come all the way over here just to ask you that". I haven't said anything to anyone and I have downplayed the situations.*
> 
> I find it hard to believe he is so obvious and no one has said anything. *I don't think that anyone else is aware of the staring/gazing.*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My responses are above in blue


----------



## LaReine

It really looks like you just want validation here.

Everything someone says something you dismiss it.

It doesn't matter that you want him. It doesn't matter that he (apparently) wants you. He. Is. Married.

As for you complaining about people targeting your character- saying things like "for now" makes your character look questionable.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt

LaReine said:


> Why would his boss mention his wife?? That's personal and not work related and would be very unprofessional, even if they are cousins.
> 
> My husband doesn't talk about me at work or have pictures in his desk either. Why would he? I don't work with him and he knows what I look like!
> 
> I don't wear my wedding ring. I'm still married.
> 
> So he doesn't flirt with others at work. That doesn't mean there aren't others.
> 
> None of this indicates anything wrong with his marriage. Even if it did he is still married.
> 
> Okay you didn't know that in the beginning, but now you do. Nothing has happened. End of.
> 
> Start ignoring him. If he truly wants you he will tell you.
> 
> A man will not continue to flirt with someone who isn't giving them some sort of indication that they are interested.
> 
> Has anyone else noticed his behaviour?
> 
> I find it hard to believe he is so obvious and no one has said anything.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Depends on the office. Last place I worked at spouses or family members of any member of staff would just turn up and someone -maybe even their spouse!- would make them a coffee or a cup of tea.

And everyone chatted about their spouses, their kids, relatives, etc.


----------



## LaReine

MattMatt said:


> Depends on the office. Last place I worked at spouses or family members of any member of staff would just turn up and someone -maybe even their spouse!- would make them a coffee or a cup of tea.
> 
> 
> 
> And everyone chatted about their spouses, their kids, relatives, etc.




Yeah of course but she is saying it like it indicates something bad.
When it could just be what he (and she) has always done.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre*

I think that maybe there is a disconnect here in that you seem to think that a married guy who flirts with women, somehow has a terrible home life. But, you'd be surprised how many stories are out there, and on this forum, where betrayed spouses thought that they had great marriages, not perfect for nothing is perfect, but solid marriages. There was lots of talking, great sex, and so when they found out their spouses were cheating, they were stunned. 

Not saying this guy's marriage doesn't suck, it might. But, you might be surprised how many people flirt, cheat, etc and their homelives are really great. Affairs are usually signs of a character flaw in the cheater, not in their spouse. No one is forced to cheat, no one is forced to fall into the arms of another. Those are all choices someone makes, and if you let yourself continue with this guy, I have a sad feeling that you will end up more hurt than you could ever imagine.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Lots of disconnects from reality here. 

She's apparently a super hot, successful woman with tons of potential males but can't find one she has an attraction with that's not married and barely speaks to her? 

Typically people with high self esteem and lots of potential partners don't get stuck on fantasy relationships.


----------



## *Deidre*

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Lots of disconnects from reality here.
> 
> She's apparently a super hot, successful woman with tons of potential males but can't find one she has an attraction with that's not married and barely speaks to her?
> 
> Typically people with high self esteem and lots of potential partners don't get stuck on fantasy relationships.


Yea, but does she feel good about herself, is the question. There was a time I dated players who treated me like crap, and many people thought I had a lot going for me, but I didn't see it.

If you don't see it, then you keep looking for your esteem in all the wrong places.  And that's probably the problem, here. LADoll, there's a reason that you're even tempting yourself with this married guy. We aren't trying to make you feel bad, we just want to help you before you make a mistake you can't undo.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yes, i saw a pic the other day, girls want attention, women want respect. 

At some point she will learn the difference. We've all gone through wrong men and fallen for the wrong attention. Live and learn.


----------



## Bibi1031

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Live and learn.


...and then get Luvs. :laugh:

Sorry, thst phrase just brought bsck the commercial.:nerd:


----------



## LADoll

LaReine said:


> Yeah of course but she is saying it like it indicates something bad.
> When it could just be what he (and she) has always done.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't know if (or even believe) it was his intention to deceive by not wearing a wedding ring or not having pics of the wife. I mentioned it because I was shocked to learn that he is married. 

Guys usually mention being married at some point or there are other indicators but he has not mentioned being married, having a wife or said "we" even once over the past year. I do believe that this is intentional.


----------



## LaReine

LADoll said:


> I don't know if (or even believe) it was his intention to deceive by not wearing a wedding ring or not having pics of the wife. I mentioned it because I was shocked to learn that he is married.
> 
> 
> 
> Guys usually mention being married at some point or there are other indicators but he has not mentioned being married, having a wife or said "we" even once over the past year. I do believe that this is intentional.




Okay. So you believe he is intentionally ignoring being married. Does that sound like a suitable potential mate?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Satya

@LADoll, if you take away no other advice from your time on this board, consider this, please.

You should read "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. Really read it. You can get it on Kindle.

I don't care how much of it you think may or may not apply to you currently. Read all of it and really absorb it. That is the path you are heading down and once you get that snowball rolling, you'll never be able to push it back up to the top of the mountain.


----------



## LADoll

Satya said:


> @LADoll, if you take away no other advice from your time on this board, consider this, please.
> 
> You should read "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass. Really read it. You can get it on Kindle.
> 
> I don't care how much of it you think may or may not apply to you currently. Read all of it and really absorb it. That is the path you are heading down and once you get that snowball rolling, you'll never be able to push it back up to the top of the mountain.


I will check it out. TY


----------



## LADoll

*Deidre* said:


> I think that maybe there is a disconnect here in that you seem to think that a married guy who flirts with women, somehow has a terrible home life. But, you'd be surprised how many stories are out there, and on this forum, where betrayed spouses thought that they had great marriages, not perfect for nothing is perfect, but solid marriages. There was lots of talking, great sex, and so when they found out their spouses were cheating, they were stunned.
> 
> Not saying this guy's marriage doesn't suck, it might. But, you might be surprised how many people flirt, cheat, etc and their homelives are really great. Affairs are usually signs of a character flaw in the cheater, not in their spouse. No one is forced to cheat, no one is forced to fall into the arms of another. Those are all choices someone makes, and if you let yourself continue with this guy, I have a sad feeling that you will end up more hurt than you could ever imagine.


I really have never given much thought to the reasons why married men cheat. 

It is hard but I am trying to "unlike" him and I am thinking about changing departments.


----------



## MrsHolland

LADoll said:


> I really have never given much thought to the reasons why married men cheat.
> 
> It is hard but I am trying to "unlike" him and I am thinking about changing departments.


What would give you more strength and a better life is to forget about "unliking" him but instead learn to "like" yourself.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

LADoll said:


> And because I didn't understand why a man who is unhappily married or who is complaining about his wife would stay married to her. I still don't fully understand it.


The benefits to him from being married still outweigh the costs, that's all. If he divorces her, there'll be no home-cooked meals anymore, or house-cleaning, or free sex.

Some people just like to complain. You also overheard a conversation that may be out of context - he may not be nearly as unhappy as he portrayed, or maybe something triggered it and he just needed to vent to get over it. You have no idea.



LADoll said:


> Maybe he isn't married to a good woman. Maybe she is not a good wife. Maybe she isn't doing what she promised to do in their marriage and he is disappointed. Maybe he can not imagine living his live with a woman who isn't holding up her portion of her vows. Maybe he is frustrated with her and is looking elsewhere and sees that he could have chosen "better".
> 
> Perhaps he is seeking an opportunity to be unfaithful which is breaking his vows but she is most likely not doing something to uphold her vows as well. None of us can know except for those two.


That's a lot of maybes to hang your heart on.



LADoll said:


> Again, I don't understand how a man in the honeymoon period of his marriage to a woman with whom he is fully satisfied (romantically, emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually, etc.) is vying for the attention of another woman on the daily.


Some men are players, always looking for the next fish to hook even after having one in the cooler.



LADoll said:


> I truly understand now why some men do seek out the comfort of other women. Some wives are vicious, self righteous, catty and just plain mean spirited. Having a marriage license does not give you the right to degrade other women.


Married men who seek comfort in other women are just selfish and dishonourable. It has nothing to do with their wife's behaviour and everything to do with their own lack of character.



LADoll said:


> I have thought about it but the answer really is no. He has been staring at me (like someone who likes what they see) from the very first moment that I met him. Making every effort to be around me. Coming to me to ask questions that I know that knows the answer. Always sitting next to me at meetings or company events. Smelling mu perfume. Touching my hair. "Accidentally" brushing up against me. He makes a beeline to my desk whenever he sees other male coworkers come to my desk or he always watches/ stares when I am talking to other guys at work. His eyes are on me constantly. He has never mentioned having a wife, ever. He does not have a picture of her on his desk. My boss (his cousin) has never mentioned his wife, ever. He does not wear a wedding ring. His overall demeanor is reserved and I just thought that he had a crush but was shy.
> 
> I have tried to observe if he does this to other women at work (there are a lot of attractive women at my company) but I have not seen him exhibit the same behavior.





LADoll said:


> I don't know if (or even believe) it was his intention to deceive by not wearing a wedding ring or not having pics of the wife. I mentioned it because I was shocked to learn that he is married.
> 
> Guys usually mention being married at some point or there are other indicators but he has not mentioned being married, having a wife or said "we" even once over the past year. I do believe that this is intentional.


Definitely sounds like a player to me. He doesn't want people to know he's married because then it would be a lot harder to hook a side piece. He's got his eye on you for that. Looks like maybe he does want out of his marriage, but not until he's arranged a soft landing new relationship first. AKA, exit affair. Which would make you, yes, the 'other' woman.

Listen, you're labouring under a delusion that you may be star-crossed lovers just waiting for the stars to align to begin your love for the ages. If only he just dumps his wife, then you'll both be free to ride off into the sunset together.

The reality is that he's a married man, fishing for an affair, giving his wife zero respect, and disrespecting you (touching your hair at work? interfering with your conversations? talk about inappropriate).

You know nothing about him except that he's physically 'your type.' No wait, you DO know plenty about him, which you have shared with us on this thread.

He's deceptive.
He doesn't respect boundaries.
He talks poorly about his chosen life partner behind her back.
He has a self-inflated sense of his own importance.
He is a user, staying with his wife even though he doesn't like her, and looking to use you next.
He's not good partner material, no matter how good he looks.
This is who he is. He wouldn't behave differently even if you did get together with him.

Accept that you have a temporary crush on him because of his looks, and get over it the same way you would any other unsuitable potential mate.

Lots of good-looking people are not good people.


----------



## Adelais

LADoll said:


> I have thought about it but the answer really is no. He has been staring at me (like someone who likes what they see) from the very first moment that I met him. Making every effort to be around me. Coming to me to ask questions that I know that knows the answer. Always sitting next to me at meetings or company events. Smelling mu perfume. Touching my hair. "Accidentally" brushing up against me. He makes a beeline to my desk whenever he sees other male coworkers come to my desk or he always watches/ stares when I am talking to other guys at work. His eyes are on me constantly. He has never mentioned having a wife, ever. He does not have a picture of her on his desk. My boss (his cousin) has never mentioned his wife, ever. He does not wear a wedding ring. His overall demeanor is reserved and I just thought that he had a crush but was shy.
> 
> *I have tried to observe if he does this to other women at work (there are a lot of attractive women at my company) but I have not seen him exhibit the same behavior*.


Perhaps he doesn't think they are low hanging fruit and doesn't want to waste energy on them? He will concentrate his efforts where he believes he may score with less effort: YOU.


----------



## Adelais

LADoll said:


> I do not have a "thing" for married men.
> 
> As I have stated previously I have turned down married men who truly could have helped my career *and a few who offered "arrangements" that would have been very beneficial financially*. This guy offers NONE of those options.
> 
> I did not know that he was married, When I learned that he was married I already had started to develop a fondness for him. And yes I wish that he also happened to be available, but he is not.


Regarding the bolded part: seriously??? If a man offered me an* " "arrangement" that would have been very beneficial financially"* I would have arranged his face for having such disrespectful thoughts about me!!!

It is strange that you are flattered by men's disrespect!


----------



## LADoll

Araucaria said:


> Regarding the bolded part: seriously??? If a man offered me an* " "arrangement" that would have been very beneficial financially"* I would have arranged his face for having such disrespectful thoughts about me!!!
> 
> It is strange that you are flattered by men's disrespect!


I did not state my experiences to imply that I was flattered by the "offers" but was trying to make the point that I do not go after married men even when it actually would have been financially beneficial. And I do understand what you are saying about your reaction to indecent proposals but sometimes you have to be a bit diplomatic when rebuffing an advance from men who can hurt your career.


----------



## LADoll

Araucaria said:


> Perhaps he doesn't think they are low hanging fruit and doesn't want to waste energy on them? He will concentrate his efforts where he believes he may score with less effort: YOU.


A few people keep mentioning that he thinks that I am low hanging fruit. I don't know what he thinks of me but I would think that he would have been more aggressive and direct if he thought that I was an easy lay. It has been a year and he hasn't done what MOST married men that I have encountered do which is go straight for what they want. In my experience, married guys say that they are married right up front and then proceed to say what they want: a one night stand, 'to have some fun', mistress/kept woman.


----------



## Adelais

LADoll said:


> I did not state my experiences to imply that I was flattered by the "offers" but was trying to make the point that I do not go after married men even when it actually would have been financially beneficial. And I do understand what you are saying about your reaction to indecent proposals but sometimes you have to be a bit diplomatic when rebuffing an advance from men who can hurt your career.


So you know I am not responding to you from a point of jealousy or lack of understanding: I have always been an attractive female, from childhood until today. In high school I was voted homecoming attendant for my class on two separate occasions, in two separate schools. All my life I have been affirmed by men looking at me: them taking a second look, or watching me as I walk by, and rarely has a man been inappropriate or rude to me. I believe it is because I have not opened the door to it. I can't control men's eyes, but I can control my side of the conversation, and whether I continue to participate if I feel it is going "off."

If you have remained in conversations to the point you received several indecent proposals, I would surmise that you have poor boundaries, and therefore have engaged in conversations and topics in which you have ultimately disrespected yourself. The men you are speaking with know boundaries are being crossed, and that you are OK with it. That is why they go so far with you. It is not because you are so great, it is because you allow it.

Predators and losers go for the low hanging fruit.


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## Adelais

LADoll said:


> A few people keep mentioning that he thinks that I am low hanging fruit. I don't know what he thinks of me but I would think that he would have been more aggressive and direct if he thought that I was an easy lay. It has been a year and he hasn't done what *MOST married men that I have encountered do which is go straight for what they want. In my experience, married guys say that they are married right up front and then proceed to say what they want: a one night stand, 'to have some fun', mistress/kept woman.*


You just proved what I said above. I can promise you that those men wouldn't say that to every attractive woman...only the ones they know won't slap them in the face for it. Have you ever wondered why those men are so rude to you?

Why are you attracting such crappy men? You say that there are plenty of attractive women where you work, yet the guys come on to you. Have you ever wondered why? Do you give off vibes that you have low standards for how you want to be treated? Just because a woman is pretty doesn't make a man act his worst. Even most crappy men will behave themselves until they get permission to let their true colors show.


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## LADoll

Araucaria said:


> You just proved what I said above. I can promise you that those men wouldn't say that to every attractive woman...only the ones they know won't slap them in the face for it. Have you ever wondered why those men are so rude to you?
> 
> Why are you attracting such crappy men? You say that there are plenty of attractive women where you work, yet the guys come on to you. Have you ever wondered why? Do you give off vibes that you have low standards for how you want to be treated? Just because a woman is pretty doesn't make a man act his worst. Even most crappy men will behave themselves until they get permission to let their true colors show.


I have encountered all types and variations of men...polite, kind, gentlemanly, jerks, shy, outgoing, rude, crude, entitled, generous, nice guys, bad boys, pretty boys, socially awkward etc. I am treated very nicely by most men that I encounter but there are always guys that simply are not.

Also, I never stated that the other (attractive) women at my job do not get attention from guys at work. I stated that I have never seen *my* married guy exhibiting the same behavior with any other women at my job. 

I think that a lot is being projected onto any of my comments in order to make me fit whatever narrative some want to believe about me. I been transparent with discussing my situation but I can not be neatly placed into a box regarding my esteem and standards.


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## MrsHolland

LADoll said:


> ......................................me behavior with any other women at my job.
> 
> I think that a lot is being projected onto any of my comments in order to make me fit whatever narrative some want to believe about me. I been transparent with discussing my situation* but I can not be neatly placed into a box regarding my esteem and standards*.


Well actually based on the thread title and your comments throughout the thread you have put across an image that is putting you into a box regarding your self esteem and standards.

Thread title "I am the potential "other" woman" speaks volumes. You see, most people with good self esteem and high standards would not even got to the point of starting an online thread about this, they would have cut it off at the pass and not looked back. 

You have danced with the thought that maybe this guy will leave his wife and you will end up together. You have said cheating is not an issue for you and if he were to cheat on you then so be it. 

You have done well to hold your own here but that does not change any of the above.


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## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I really have never given much thought to the reasons why married men cheat.
> 
> It is hard but I am trying to "unlike" him and I am thinking about changing departments.


Good for you. The less you see him and think about him, the quicker the fire will go out.


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## Diana7

LADoll said:


> I have encountered all types and variations of men...polite, kind, gentlemanly, jerks, shy, outgoing, rude, crude, entitled, generous, nice guys, bad boys, pretty boys, socially awkward etc. I am treated very nicely by most men that I encounter but there are always guys that simply are not.
> 
> Also, I never stated that the other (attractive) women at my job do not get attention from guys at work. I stated that I have never seen *my* married guy exhibiting the same behavior with any other women at my job.
> 
> I think that a lot is being projected onto any of my comments in order to make me fit whatever narrative some want to believe about me. I been transparent with discussing my situation but I can not be neatly placed into a box regarding my esteem and standards.


 Why do you think that most men treat you badly and why do you think you allow it? Do you think you have a low self esteem?


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## Satya

LADoll said:


> A few people keep mentioning that he thinks that I am low hanging fruit. I don't know what he thinks of me but I would think that he would have been more aggressive and direct if he thought that I was an easy lay. It has been a year and he hasn't done what MOST married men that I have encountered do which is go straight for what they want. In my experience, married guys say that they are married right up front and then proceed to say what they want: a one night stand, 'to have some fun', mistress/kept woman.


If you read that book I suggested, it goes into detail about how things start very small (smiles, physical proximity, occasional touches/brushes, socializing) and gradually build to a point of no return. He doesn't have to be aggressive. He can be very patient.


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## Diana7

Satya said:


> If you read that book I suggested, it goes into detail about how things start very small (smiles, physical proximity, occasional touches/brushes, socializing) and gradually build to a point of no return. He doesn't have to be aggressive. He can be very patient.


It occurred to me that its sort of like grooming isn't it.


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## She'sStillGotIt

LADoll said:


> A few people keep mentioning that he thinks that I am low hanging fruit. I don't know what he thinks of me but I would think that he would have been more aggressive and direct if he thought that I was an easy lay. It has been a year and he hasn't done what MOST married men that I have encountered do which is go straight for what they want. In my experience, married guys say that they are married right up front and then proceed to say what they want: a one night stand, 'to have some fun', mistress/kept woman.


Most married men will seek the low hanging fruit which means they seek out the more gullible ones they think they have a *better chance* with. Be realistic, what the HELL do these guys really have to *offer* a woman? A 'good' time at YOUR place - or the back seat of his car in some dark parking lot? Dinner at some out of the way restaurant where his wife and/or friends won't see him with you? A few hours on a Tuesday night when his wife thinks he's at the gym or at his weekly poker game? 

*Be still my beating heart*. 

But THAT'S what he's got to offer you. And he* KNOWS* it. And that's probably one of the reasons he never approaches you - because he's embarrassed at how little he has to offer. And don't forget, a lot of people also absolutely refuse to date anyone where they work (whether these people are single or not). Some just don't want to mix business with pleasure. There's *also *the very real fear for him of crossing the line at work no matter HOW much you smile at him and give him the go-ahead. He knows that he would be risking a sexual harassment lawsuit, the likely loss of his job, and the eventuality of having to go home and tell his wife WHY he lost his job. So whether you'd rat him or not, he STILL has the fear of it all going horribly wrong for him. 

So it really isn't that surprising as to why he's been afraid to do anything but act like an idiot and stare at you.

Now, the other type of married man that you mentioned - which you've encountered before - are the types who'll hit on virtually any woman they find even remotely attractive if they think it will get them somewhere. If they get a 'no' from one woman, they just hit on someone else until they *do* find someone stupid enough to waste her time with him. To them, it's simply a numbers game. Ask enough women to spend time with you and eventually the odds will be in your favor and you'll find one that says yes.

I've actually seen this in action. I was literally laughing my ass off one night when my friend and I were at the local tavern for a Friday night out. A married guy I knew slightly (from working with in the past) happened to be there that night acting like he was single and was hitting on the women there. I knew he was obviously still married because he had his wedding ring on. I saw him approach a few women and try to chat with them and I saw them blow him off, so he literally worked his way around the room, going from table to table trying to work his charm on anyone who would have him. I guess the idiot didn't consider the fact that most of the women SAW him working each table and weren't interested in some fool who was merely hitting on everyone hoping to get lucky. Such a douche bag.


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## LADoll

Diana7 said:


> *1) Why do you think that most men treat you badly and 2) why do you think you allow it?* 3) Do you think you have a low self esteem?


1) I have never stated that most men treat me badly. Most men treat me very well. 2) And I am generally reserved and non-confrontational.

3) No. My self esteem is actually fairly high.


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## Diana7

LADoll said:


> 1) I have never stated that most men treat me badly. Most men treat me very well. 2) And I am generally reserved and non-confrontational.


You said that many men treat you badly.


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## LADoll

Diana7 said:


> You said that many men treat you badly.


Please quote the post.

MOST of the men that I interact with or encounter are very nice. Most men tend to respond well to ultra-feminine women which is how I present and carry myself naturally. And most men are gentlemanly when they encounter who fully embrace their femininity.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

LADoll said:


> Please quote the post.
> 
> MOST of the men that I interact with or encounter are very nice. Most men tend to respond well to ultra-feminine women which is how I present and carry myself naturally. And most men are gentlemanly when they encounter who fully embrace their femininity.


Married men hitting on you or trying to be your sugar daddy or offering financial perks to sleep with you isn't being very nice. It's not treating you like a woman being respected. 

I think it's important to know the difference between someone who wants to bang you and someone who respects you as a human. Trust me they are not the same thing. Being nice to get laid is not nice


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## LADoll

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Married men hitting on you or trying to be your sugar daddy or offering financial perks to sleep with you isn't being very nice. It's not treating you like a woman being respected.
> 
> I think it's important to know the difference between someone who wants to bang you and someone who respects you as a human. Trust me they are not the same thing. Being nice to get laid is not nice


Those episodes do not represent the majority of men that I encounter or know. The majority of men that I know, meet and/or encounter are very nice. 

I do not punish men for being attracted to me or even for wanting to possibly "bang" me. That is a man's nature and I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for simply being men. I am nice and kind to men even the ones whom I am not interested in romantically. That is one of the reasons that I believe that I get a lot of attention from some guys. I have never belittled a guy for approaching whom I am not interested. I am not a ball busting, ego crushing feminazi type.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

No one said to punish them but you should understand the difference between being treated nicely and respected and men who just want to use you for sex so they act nice. 

It has nothing to do with who you are or even what you look like or how femine you are, all women get those kinds of approaches and it's not a compliment. It should be not tolerated because it's disrespectful and you shouldn't let people disrespect you. If you stop allowing bad attention you will start getting good attention.


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## Stillasamountain

LADoll said:


> I think that a lot is being projected onto any of my comments in order to make me fit whatever narrative some want to believe about me. I been transparent with discussing my situation but I can not be neatly placed into a box regarding my esteem and standards.



The only projecting going is the projecting of your fantasies onto this amorphous blob... this rorschach ink stain of a married man.

And, with your own words, you've placed yourself firmly into some sort of box. I'm just not sure if it's poor self esteem, narcissism, naïveté, willful ignorance, or some unholy combination thereof.

Look, you said many times that you didn't know he was married. Well, now you do. So, put on your big girl panties, do the decent thing, and knock it off.


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## Bibi1031

Satya said:


> If you read that book I suggested, it goes into detail about how things start very small (smiles, physical proximity, occasional touches/brushes, socializing) and gradually build to a point of no return. He doesn't have to be aggressive.* He can be very patient]*.


Of course he can be very patient. After all his wife gets his physical needs met, while he grooms another woman. 

Whst a prize this guy appears to be...yeah right!


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## VeryHurt

He is married.
You know he is married.
Back off.


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## sokillme

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Most married men will seek the low hanging fruit which means they seek out the more gullible ones they think they have a *better chance* with. Be realistic, what the HELL do these guys really have to *offer* a woman? A 'good' time at YOUR place - or the back seat of his car in some dark parking lot? Dinner at some out of the way restaurant where his wife and/or friends won't see him with you? A few hours on a Tuesday night when his wife thinks he's at the gym or at his weekly poker game?
> 
> *Be still my beating heart*.
> 
> But THAT'S what he's got to offer you. And he* KNOWS* it. And that's probably one of the reasons he never approaches you - because he's embarrassed at how little he has to offer. And don't forget, a lot of people also absolutely refuse to date anyone where they work (whether these people are single or not). Some just don't want to mix business with pleasure. There's *also *the very real fear for him of crossing the line at work no matter HOW much you smile at him and give him the go-ahead. He knows that he would be risking a sexual harassment lawsuit, the likely loss of his job, and the eventuality of having to go home and tell his wife WHY he lost his job. So whether you'd rat him or not, he STILL has the fear of it all going horribly wrong for him.
> 
> So it really isn't that surprising as to why he's been afraid to do anything but act like an idiot and stare at you.
> 
> Now, the other type of married man that you mentioned - which you've encountered before - are the types who'll hit on virtually any woman they find even remotely attractive if they think it will get them somewhere. If they get a 'no' from one woman, they just hit on someone else until they *do* find someone stupid enough to waste her time with him. To them, it's simply a numbers game. Ask enough women to spend time with you and eventually the odds will be in your favor and you'll find one that says yes.
> 
> I've actually seen this in action. I was literally laughing my ass off one night when my friend and I were at the local tavern for a Friday night out. A married guy I knew slightly (from working with in the past) happened to be there that night acting like he was single and was hitting on the women there. I knew he was obviously still married because he had his wedding ring on. I saw him approach a few women and try to chat with them and I saw them blow him off, so he literally worked his way around the room, going from table to table trying to work his charm on anyone who would have him. I guess the idiot didn't consider the fact that most of the women SAW him working each table and weren't interested in some fool who was merely hitting on everyone hoping to get lucky. Such a douche bag.


So true, and why I always have issue with the BS puts all the blame on the AP. This is usually the quality of person and "charm" we are talking about when it comes to APs. It's not like the WS was charmed by Cary Grant or Sophia Loren.


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## LaReine

*I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



> That is a man's nature and I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for simply being men.



What a pile of rubbish.

That is your opinion and not fact.

ETA: you've also completely contradicted yourself. Earlier it was that satisfied happy men won't do these things, but now it's just nature 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LADoll

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LaReine said:


> What a pile of rubbish.
> 
> That is your opinion and not fact.
> 
> ETA: you've also completely contradicted yourself. Earlier it was that satisfied happy men won't do these things, but now it's just nature
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My post about "a man's nature" is in reference to ALL MEN not specifically about married men. This is what I wrote....
_
I do not punish men for being attracted to me or even for wanting to possibly "bang" me. That is a man's nature and I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for simply being men._

Again, I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for being attracted to or wanting to have sex with women. 

And yes, it is my personal belief that satisfied and happily married men don't cheat. That is MY opinion.


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## Diana7

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> My post about "a man's nature" is in reference to ALL MEN not specifically about married men. This is what I wrote....
> _
> I do not punish men for being attracted to me or even for wanting to possibly "bang" me. That is a man's nature and I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for simply being men._
> 
> Again, I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for being attracted to or wanting to have sex with women.
> 
> And yes, it is my personal belief that satisfied and happily married men don't cheat. That is MY opinion.


A good decent man's nature isn't to "bang" you(what an awful word that is). 
I know previously satisfied and happily married men who did cheat. One, the husband of a friend of mine, said he did it purely because the opportunity came up. He got her pregnant, destroyed his family, deeply damaged the children and of course broke up with the OW not long after.
I know others as well.


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## Adelais

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> My post about "a man's nature" is in reference to ALL MEN not specifically about married men. This is what I wrote....
> _
> I do not punish men for being attracted to me or even for wanting to possibly "bang" me. That is a man's nature and I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for simply being men._
> 
> Again, I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for being attracted to or wanting to have sex with women.
> 
> And yes, it is my personal belief that satisfied and happily married men don't cheat. That is MY opinion.


Gentlemen, or decent men do not approach women for sex when they are married, even if they had a fleeting lustful thought about them.


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## Diana7

*Re: I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



Araucaria said:


> Gentlemen, or decent men do not approach women for sex when they are married, even if they had a fleeting lustful thought about them.


and they don't flirt with them or persue them. Any married man who does that would make me run from him as fast as I could. I have no interest in men who are immoral or who don't keep their promises made.


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## LaReine

*I am the potential &quot;other&quot; woman*



LADoll said:


> My post about "a man's nature" is in reference to ALL MEN not specifically about married men. This is what I wrote....
> 
> _
> 
> I do not punish men for being attracted to me or even for wanting to possibly "bang" me. That is a man's nature and I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for simply being men._
> 
> 
> 
> Again, I don't think that it is necessary to punish men for being attracted to or wanting to have sex with women.
> 
> 
> 
> And yes, it is my personal belief that satisfied and happily married men don't cheat. That is MY opinion.




No one said anything about punishing?!
And it's easy to have that opinion when you haven't been in that circumstance. Some people are just cheaters.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

It is my personal belief that some men who are not satisfied and not happily married don't cheat. Being unsatisfied and/or unhappily married is not an excuse, reason or license to cheat. There are avenues to correct those areas that are lacking other than cheating. Don't be the path of least resistance. 

For God's sake - stop letting him sniff around. That's what dogs do with *****es in heat.


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