# Angry with myself for not standing my ground



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My STBXW will be picking the kids up for the summer visitation tomorrow. She has them for a total of 60 days. I do have a week in the middle to see them, but I'll have to fly to see them. I went into the mediation with boundaries and 60 days was not one of them. But I gave it to her anyways because I decided the kids need to see her because they miss her so much. Now the kids' counselors feel it is a bit too long.
She's asked for changes to the new divorce decree that was drawn up from the mediation. I've held my ground fortunately, and it has pissed her off. But I do feel stronger now than when we met for mediation in April. I just wish I can turn back the clock and do what's right for the kids and I.
I haven't really had any kind of IC over the last 6 months for the exception of my kids and the occasional family counseling session. And when I met with their counselor yesterday, she told me that I was too enabling. That my EX has been controlling her whole life more than likely. I wish I was stronger to stand up to my STBXW who I now realize is controlling, immature, and manipulative. I've always been the giver, the pleaser, the "nice guy". I did say no to her please to cover the kids under her insurance and not mine. I told her to stick to the mediation like I have.
I did stand up to her plan of having her addict cousin be the kids nanny all summer. Right now she said she's having to watch the kids until she finds an alternate sitter.

And so many on here would tell me to "man up" for months. Why did it take so long to sink in? And now that it finally has, I feel like it's too late and I failed my kids. It's just frustrating and disappointing.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Stop that. You're doing the best you can, and that's the best you can do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> My STBXW will be picking the kids up for the summer visitation tomorrow. She has them for a total of 60 days. I do have a week in the middle to see them, but I'll have to fly to see them. I went into the mediation with boundaries and 60 days was not one of them. But I gave it to her anyways because I decided the kids need to see her because they miss her so much. Now the kids' counselors feel it is a bit too long.
> She's asked for changes to the new divorce decree that was drawn up from the mediation. I've held my ground fortunately, and it has pissed her off. But I do feel stronger now than when we met for mediation in April. I just wish I can turn back the clock and do what's right for the kids and I.
> I haven't really had any kind of IC over the last 6 months for the exception of my kids and the occasional family counseling session. And when I met with their counselor yesterday, she told me that I was too enabling. That my EX has been controlling her whole life more than likely. I wish I was stronger to stand up to my STBXW who I now realize is controlling, immature, and manipulative. I've always been the giver, the pleaser, the "nice guy". I did say no to her please to cover the kids under her insurance and not mine. I told her to stick to the mediation like I have.
> I did stand up to her plan of having her addict cousin be the kids nanny all summer. Right now she said she's having to watch the kids until she finds an alternate sitter.
> ...


You can hear something 1000 times, but you only internalize it when you are ready. Forgive yourself.

Make this the last time.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You didn't fail your kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did your ex provide the documentation on her OM that she was required to?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> Did your ex provide the documentation on her OM that she was required to?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, she did. He checks out with no history.
She still hasn't signed the decree and the kids will not go with her until she does. She's holding out. Hoping I give in to her insurance demands, like I usually do. Giving in. But that part of me that she tore down has now been built up. At least I believe it has. Confidence has been a struggle of mine too.
I know I shouldn't beat myself up. Just disappointed that my balls decided to return at this point(late) in the divorce.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Yes, she did. He checks out with no history.
> She still hasn't signed the decree and the kids will not go with her until she does. She's holding out. Hoping I give in to her insurance demands, like I usually do. Giving in. But that part of me that she tore down has now been built up. At least I believe it has. Confidence has been a struggle of mine too.
> I know I shouldn't beat myself up. Just disappointed that my balls decided to return at this point(late) in the divorce.


"I'm not ok with that"

I prefer to follow the decree

CASE CLOSED

(Practice it if you have to)

If she doesn't sign the decree, the KIDS DON'T GO.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Yes, she did. He checks out with no history.
> She still hasn't signed the decree and the kids will not go with her until she does. She's holding out. Hoping I give in to her insurance demands, like I usually do. Giving in. But that part of me that she tore down has now been built up. At least I believe it has. Confidence has been a struggle of mine too.
> I know I shouldn't beat myself up. Just disappointed that my balls decided to return at this point(late) in the divorce.


You got them back and just like rest of us - simply doing the best you can! You did good HD!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Confidence will continue to be a struggle if you never give yourself anything to fall back on in regards to strength. How can you ever become confident if you continue to give in?

That is something YOU need to work on and only YOU can do.

Small steps, take them, believe in them and make it snowball from there.

Not seeing the kids for 60 days will be hard, no doubt about it. BUT, that is 60 days you have to work on yourself, better yourself and become stronger.

Also, you have no idea how this will go with your children, they might not end up liking it there and it could become a better situation for yourself in the future.

It's always too easy to sit there and think the worst, but how will you ever start to feel better if you don't at least hope for the best in situations?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> Yes, she did. He checks out with no history.
> She still hasn't signed the decree and the kids will not go with her until she does. She's holding out. Hoping I give in to her insurance demands, like I usually do. Giving in. But that part of me that she tore down has now been built up.


For some reason I thought the decree was already signed. Do not give in. It sounds like that decree may not be perfect but there are things in there that are protecting you and the kids. If she doesn't like the decree, all the more reason she should sign it as far as you're concerned.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Yes, she did. He checks out with no history.
> She still hasn't signed the decree and the kids will not go with her until she does. She's holding out. Hoping I give in to her insurance demands, like I usually do. Giving in. But that part of me that she tore down has now been built up. At least I believe it has. Confidence has been a struggle of mine too.
> I know I shouldn't beat myself up. Just disappointed that my balls decided to return at this point(late) in the divorce.


Good job for standing up on that! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Good job! My h was like you with his ex. It took him a while through counseling to stand up for himself. Does she know what the counselor said? Most counselors would call the other patent and discuss their concerns directly. Maybe she would do that. The kids might not like it and might want to come home early. 
You are doing the best that you can. It takes time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nextsteps (Jun 15, 2012)

Stand your ground. I didn't and gave up pretty much everything to try and "keep the peace" but in the end I was the one who was sorry. Because he couldn't care less and now I'm the one without. So please don't give in to her - get what YOU need. Do what is best for YOU. It's time. Don't make my mistakes.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Good job! My h was like you with his ex. It took him a while through counseling to stand up for himself. Does she know what the counselor said? Most counselors would call the other patent and discuss their concerns directly. Maybe she would do that. The kids might not like it and might want to come home early.
> You are doing the best that you can. It takes time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The counselors called her and spoke to her their concerns. She knows. But she's stubborn too. We all have a FC session this evening @ 6.
By the way, she dropped by to get her belongings from my home yesterday. I had all her @#$!, oops I mean things ready. She collected some of her things. Left a lot of clothing behind. Asked for a few other items, and I said no.
But I was very cordial. Even offered her something to drink.
And when it was all done, I told her I know the two of us do not trust each other. That we don't communicate like we should. And hopefully one day we can. For the sake of our kids. I said this with confidence. I had nothing to hide about the way her and I have been behaving to each other.
She said nothing. Just stared at me. Then she responds with the current situation of the divorce. I can't remember the first few sentences, because I was like: "Where the truck did that come from". She starts going on and on about the insurance, my incompetent lawyer and his threat that the kids are not going with her unless she signs.
She goes on to say that her "lawyer" and the mediator we used is looking into this. To see if she can still take the kids without signing. She starts weeping that she just wants to see and be with her kids. Wow. Her dad was there to help her move her stuff. He told her that the insurance thing was a dead issue because I wasn't budging. And if there wasn't anything else on the decree she had a problem with, then she should be ready to sign. I think she'll give in right before she gets the kids. I have my phone ready to call my lawyer when she drops by to get the kids. No signature? The kids stay with me.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey HD, I was divorced in the Harris County system too, so Hiya neighbor!
Keep in mind that circumstances change, and that things can always be revisited later if they prove to be not workable.
Spend some time for yourself too, though. 
I have a week on week off visitation schedule with my kiddo, and at first the weeks without her were sad and lonely and filled with reflection on what ive lost as a family.
But after awhile i began to feel okay, becuase the kid was okay, and doing fine in school and all. 
I miss her when shes away at her moms, but dont feel so bad about having some "me" time as well, I sure do need it!!!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> You got them back and just like rest of us - simply doing the best you can! You did good HD!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree....dont dwell on the past. Learn, grow, and be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

As I sit here ready to watch my kids leave for the summer, I have the thoughts of the pain of missing them and also the ability to have some free time (in a long time) to work on strengthening myself. All of your suggestions and advice are spot on and I appreciate all of you for being there for me when I feel at my lowest. And ya know what's kinda crazy and strangely coincidental? I just learned that my dog I rescued from the animal shelter is a Black mouth Cur. So I did a little research on the breed. One thing I found was that the dog in the book "Old Yeller" is a Black Mouth Cur! So I watched a clip on Youtube and it brought back memories of watching it in grade school. At the end, after the boy has to shoot his dog, his father has a talk with his son. It went like this:

"It's not a thing you can forget. I don't guess it's a thing you ought to forget. What I mean is, things like that happen. They may seem mighty cruel and unfair, but that's how life is part of the time.
"But that isn't the only way life is. A part of the time, it's mighty good. And a man can't afford to waste all the good part, worrying about the bad parts. That makes it all bad. . . . You understand?"

It's finally sinking in.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> The counselors called her and spoke to her their concerns. She knows. But she's stubborn too. We all have a FC session this evening @ 6.
> By the way, she dropped by to get her belongings from my home yesterday. I had all her @#$!, oops I mean things ready. She collected some of her things. Left a lot of clothing behind. Asked for a few other items, and I said no.
> But I was very cordial. Even offered her something to drink.
> And when it was all done, I told her I know the two of us do not trust each other. That we don't communicate like we should. And hopefully one day we can. For the sake of our kids. I said this with confidence. I had nothing to hide about the way her and I have been behaving to each other.
> ...


*EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAND AND APPLAUD!*


Seriously, that has me tingly.

GREAT GREAT JOB


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> As I sit here ready to watch my kids leave for the summer, I have the thoughts of the pain of missing them and also the ability to have some free time (in a long time) to work on strengthening myself. All of your suggestions and advice are spot on and I appreciate all of you for being there for me when I feel at my lowest. And ya know what's kinda crazy and strangely coincidental? I just learned that my dog I rescued from the animal shelter is a Black mouth Cur. So I did a little research on the breed. One thing I found was that the dog in the book "Old Yeller" is a Black Mouth Cur! So I watched a clip on Youtube and it brought back memories of watching it in grade school. At the end, after the boy has to shoot his dog, his father has a talk with his son. It went like this:
> 
> "It's not a thing you can forget. I don't guess it's a thing you ought to forget. What I mean is, things like that happen. They may seem mighty cruel and unfair, but that's how life is part of the time.
> "But that isn't the only way life is. A part of the time, it's mighty good. And a man can't afford to waste all the good part, worrying about the bad parts. That makes it all bad. . . . You understand?"
> ...


It's a shame our culture works so hard against men actually being men.

Consider this "the" breakthrough.

Go with this.

Good man.


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