# The Impact on Male Survivors of Molestation...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I know I've been kind of wishy washy about my husband - I love him, I hate him, he confuses me, yet I 'get' him... He drives me crazy, he drives me wild... Lately, after his reluctance to bring up his childhood issues in counseling, and his reasons, I feel I need outside opinions here.

He was molested at least once as a boy, by a friend of his cousin. The boy was a little older than him. And I am the only person he's told of the incident. I was floored when he revealed this to me, and felt it explained A LOT. His fear of rejection and intimacy, etc. HOWEVER, he believes this has had zero impact on him. He was so casual about it I almost believed him. Almost.

I now believe this incident, combined with a fairly messed up childhood, (dad was an alcoholic, out of the picture not long after he was born), party-animal mom, married four times... Frequently he was left to be raised by his ultra-religious grandparents, who turned a blind eye to the rebellion of his youth, (drinking, drugs, etc.) His subsequent reclusive lifestyle and addiction to painkillers and alcohol...

So there are a lot of factors here, but how can one say they were molested and believe they are really okay? I was molested as a child... I revealed this to him about two years in our friendship - when we started dating because I knew it affected my view of men and relationships. Even though I'm in counseling, (just a few weeks now, moving to IC next week), I know it has left a deep wound in me. I figure it must be the same for him, if not moreso because it was same-sex molestation.

Is he in serious denial or am I being intrusive by telling him I think he should get IC and really address it? I know he felt abandoned by his parents, and in a way, his grandparents were also distant emotionally. That's how he learned to be - shut off and shut out everyone.

I love my husband and I feel that he really might hurt as a result of stuffing this down for so long. I want to help him to feel better. I don't even care if it helps our marriage or not. We were pretty good friends for a long time before we started dating and even just as a friend, I somehow know his depression and addictions could be helped if he had someone to talk to, (that wasn't me). He has refused IC, so I may not convince him anyways... But he can be such a miserable, negative, mean and cold person - it pains me because I know that's just the tip of the iceburg of what he feels inside. If I can't get him to go to IC how can I help?

Feeling lost here... Sorry for the rambles... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He needs IC (his story sounds very much like mine, expcet my mom was the ultra-religious person)...

He won't want to get it though. My mom told me I needed therapy for YEARS...never got it until my husband left. Now, i don't know why I didn't do it sooner.

Yes, your husband needs it. You can recommend it. But, he won't go until he goes. That's the part that sucks.

I don't know how you can help, either.  Until he wants help, nothing will really help.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> So there are a lot of factors here, but how can one say they were molested and believe they are really okay?


Because one does not have a childhood where he/she wasn't molested to compare it to.

I do not know that you can force him to go to IC, but asking questions, as many as he is comfortable with, and really listening to the answers might help. The more persistent you are (without going overboard), the more he might understand that you won't be running away like everyone else he's used to.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I believed I was ok. Yep. I was fine. I had dealt with the abuse. I had dealt with myself. Yep. Just fine.

WRONG.

lol. But, again, that didn't come until I hit bottom in my marriage and decided it was time for therapy.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It took my brother coming to me and saying he was on his 5th year of therapy and depression medicine because of my father and that I "had it much much worse" to understand that my upbringing was not normal.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it depends on what happened with this person as to how affected your husband is by being molested.

When I was 15, my brother came home drunk. He was 25, didn't live at home anymore, but was home for the holidays and we had to share a bed. He crawled into bed and hugged me and then put his hand on my genitals. He told me how much I had 'grown'. I pushed his hand away and then moved to the edge of the bed. He fell asleep while I stayed as still as possible. The next day, he apologized and told me I should have punched him. That is the last we ever talked about it. This is the first time I have told anyone that this happened to me.

My brother and I were very close. He was like a father to me as my father was quite ill (in and out of the hospital) for years while I was growing up. My brother was very mature for his age. He moved away from home to go to University when he was 18. He took some time off to manage a grocery store as my dad was unable to. My brother is very intelligent as in knowing lots of things. He isn't too bright socially or about common sense things.

Before the incident, we were very close. When I was 7 and he was 17, it was common for me to lay on his back while we watched TV. He would take me bowling, play catch with me, etc. Things that most boys did with their father. We haven't hugged since that day, which is now some 32 years ago. We see each other a couple of times a year, but our relationship has forever been changed.

This happened to me, but I am not sure if what happened to me could be classified as being molested. He touched me inappropriately, but it ended there. 

I really don't think that incident has affected me at all other than my relationship with my brother. I have some insecurities with my wife (jealousy and neediness), but I think that came from a tough break up I had with my first 'love' when I was 18. 

My point is that depending on the extent of his molestation, he may be being honest that it doesn't affect him.


----------



## madteach (Nov 25, 2011)

Yinprincess,

Your husband sounds so much like mine. He can be so mean and so cold at times. But like you said, I feel like he is struggling with so much more inside.

I have also suspected for awhile that something terrible happened to him as a child. I've asked him several times, but he always tells me that I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know if he is an alcoholic, but he does drink quite a bit. On a few occasions when he got really drunk, all this rage came out that I had never seen before. He targeted me with his rage, which terrified me... but I couldn't help but feel like the rage was a result of something much bigger than marital problems.

My husband has made it clear that he doesn't want therapy, and I don't know how much longer I can cope with his emotional absence.

Good luck with your marriage. I hope you find your answers.


----------



## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> If I can't get him to go to IC how can I help?
> 
> Feeling lost here... Sorry for the rambles...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1in6.org is a site full of resources dedicated specifically to male sex abuse survivors.

And no worries about your rambles! This is a tough situation and my heart goes out to you and him.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Some scars are just not meant to be reopened. I'm having this issue with my wife, who reckons I can be too hardened at times and that my past needs to be dealt with. But I don't believe that therapy is essential for wounds already healed. I have also come to accept that what was done to me was due to my own naivete, weakness and stupidity. Taking responsibility for it has given me the strength to change.

My counsellor also told me with my past many would have ended up a lot worst off. But instead, I'm a legitimate man now who still has a heart and conscience. Sometimes I can indeed be cruel and cold, but that doesn't mean I have psychopathy, instead I still preserve the ability to feel. If your husband is like me then try not to take it too heart when he's a jacka$$, he hurts too when he hurts you.

Somethings are best dealt with by themselves. In the past the law wanted to fine and jail me, the counsellors wanted to drug and ward me, and my enemies wanted me buried. Trust and respect is earned and people have lost my trust and my faith that others can help me. Your husband probably feels the same way.

I don't fully trust my wife either to lay down my worries on her. I don't want her to think about my problems, it may affect our marriage but considering in the past we were close despite me NEVER having to be soft with her, it's my standard now.

You will never be able to hear him out because he probably also doesn't feel you can understand him. He has to change himself, without people pushing him to change. But even though he may be hardened, he would be a fool to not take good advice. But he will only listen to those who have been there, done that.

The closer other's problems are to his home, the more likely he will be willing to listen.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> He was molested at least once as a boy, by a friend of his cousin. The boy was a little older than him. And I am the only person he's told of the incident. I was floored when he revealed this to me, and felt it explained A LOT. His fear of rejection and intimacy, etc. HOWEVER, he believes this has had zero impact on him. He was so casual about it I almost believed him. Almost.


He's in no position to know how it has affected your marriage. He will be aware of some things perhaps, but he has no 'normal' baseline to work from.

My wife offered up a few things she saw as being affected by her abuse, but then aggressively denied it when I merely uttered an agreement that I had noticed her having problems at that time. Having the abuse named as a cause of problems is a very frightening thing apparently. I think it is the abnormal baseline that some abuse survivors have.

But the other side of it is that nobody knows what is going on in someone else's mind. So even though we may see things which seem to be explained by the abuse, we cannot know for sure.

My position is that a spouse has to bring what is needed to the relationship. It doesn't matter how they do it, or what is causing the problems. Either they bring it or they don't.

I don't think it helpful to insist on therapy for the survivor. Leading them to come to that conclusion on their own may be a productive strategy.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I would guess the abuse has had an effect, a dramatic one. It is just too big an injury not to have left scars.
I also agree with Thor, that he needs to figure out for himself that he needs help. And, some guys never do.


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

im with randon dude in that some scars just dont need reopened. though it's severly effected me emotionally, hardly trust a soul,very stand offish,has cost me many relationships, as one woman said i was the most cold hearted s.o.b she ever met. 35 years ago this all happened, and i cant wait ti sh!t on his grave.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I felt the same way 67flh. Happened to me 46 years ago. But, I just got tired of running from it.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Horrible unfair things happen. Sickness, death, depravity, abuse, violence.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> So there are a lot of factors here, but how can one say they were molested and believe they are really okay? ....
> I know it has left a deep wound in me. I figure it must be the same for him, if not moreso because it was same-sex molestation.
> 
> Is he in serious denial or am I being intrusive by telling him I think he should get IC and really address it? I know he felt abandoned by his parents, and in a way, his grandparents were also distant emotionally. That's how he learned to be - shut off and shut out everyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


IMO - yes you are being intrusive. He will only address it when he's ready. You mention this happening one time (without details, thankfully) with another boy about his age. Yes, this is molestation but it sounds like the emotional impact may not be that much (as compared with months/year of hurtful, violent abuse from adult(s)). As one poster noted, he was fondled by his brother once, sort of end of story.

And, all the other stuff - missing father, party mother, religious grandparents, surely this has had more impact on him overall.

Sorry, you can't fix him or mandate that he get himself fixed.


----------



## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

I need to preface my remarks by stating that I am NOT a survivor of CSA. But I'm married to a woman who is.

CSA takes a tremendous toll on the abused person, as well as most every relationship they have. As has been stated, the abused person often has no baseline of what is "normal".

Denial is a very strong mechanism often employed by victims of CSA. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, they will often times deny there is a problem, even to the point of accusing the mate of "having a problem". I know, I've lived it, and still am.

The only thing I can say is that they are sometimes like a person addicted to alcohol or drugs (not all are like this--but the ones deep in denial are--such as my wife). They have to hit rock bottom in order to get the help they need.

In my marriage, my wife became convinced I was going to leave her because she would not meet my needs. That scared her worse than facing the truth that she had a problem. I was being very vocal (and had been all along), but some other factors came into play about that time and she thought to herself, "My husband is going to leave me.” With the help of a friend who was also a CSA victim, I realized what was going on with my wife.

Often time CSA victims suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. Maybe not all the symptoms, but several can manifest themselves and are easy to spot when you know what you are looking for.

It's really tough being a supportive spouse when you KNOW that this problem has roots in your mate and they refuse to seek help.

My heart goes out to you.


----------



## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

This hits close to home for me. My stepson disclosed horrific sexual abuse when he was about 7 years old and it had gone on for probably several years. In the 5 years since then, my husband has so struggled with depression with anger blowups as a symptoms of his depression that I often wonder if he was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse and it's why he can't seem to cope with it. He denies it with so much vigor that it makes me even more suspicious. I'm seriously worried about my stepson and his future with this horrifying experience in his past. He has already acted out sexually (thank goodness not nearly as horrific as his abuse was, probably because I found out) towards my husband's and my daughter. 5 years after disclosure, my stepson is still struggling, despite tons of counseling and years of medications as well as years in a classroom designed for children with serious behavior issues. I am scared for him.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you all for your imput. I am very saddened that so many of us have been sexually harmed.  

I get a slight feeling of dismissal because the abuse seems to be just one time. I was abused just one time, for several hours, and it has certainly impacted me throughout my life. I was old enough to remember, even though my family doesn't know that I do. I used to have nightmares, (I still do, along with anxiety and paranoia that I think is due in part, to the abuse I experienced - to this day I cannot and will not sleep if there is someone else awake in the house - my husband must always fall asleep before I can, or leave the house when I need rest. This is improving, though, as my trust in him improves. I know he would never hurt me like that).

I feel slight dismissal as that you all should realize, both of the situations my husband and I were placed in as children were ones in which we were CLEARLY sexualized and used for another person's gratification. Not a mere case of inappropriate fondling. Forms of sex took place for both of us.

Just knowing what I know now, yes, I never used to think it had an impact on me. I never knew I wasn't "normal" until I was an adult in my own relationships.

I don't nag my husband about this. In fact, I understand why he never told anyone. In a way, I want to keep his confidence in me, but at the same time I want help for him. I know much of the time he is so tired, depressed and in pain for no apparent reason... It could very well be the many issues from his childhood making him "sick" as they did to me for the longest time...

My heart goes out to all of you who have been assaulted, or are family with someone who has been assaulted. I have the unique ability to see it from both angles, and I know the pain it causes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rasn1234 (Feb 5, 2012)

YinPrincess,

I truly applaud your consideration for his feelings nad emotional well-being. I too was sexually abused as a child, raised in a household where the mother turned a blind eye to the presence of her children being stripped of their innocence over the course of 3 years. 

When my dark secret finally came to light, much to my resistance, through my wife pressing the issue to the point where I exploded and everything came pouring out. Since that day (about 3 years ago) she's brought the subject up, not only out of curiousity, but also to vent her own frustration of the situation. She denies that anything of the sort has ever happened to her. 

Though I understand that she did not want to know that my childhood was that way, her curiousities get the better of her, and her outbursts and digging have resulted in my increased reluctance to confide in her. 

With all my rambling, and my admiration for your stance of sticking by your man, I feel caution should be expressed; the dedication exhibited (though may be centered on your shared expereinces) you must also be congnizant of your own wellbeing in the process.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> He was molested at least once as a boy, by a friend of his cousin. The boy was a little older than him. And I am the only person he's told of the incident. I was floored when he revealed this to me, and felt it explained A LOT. His fear of rejection and intimacy, etc. HOWEVER, he believes this has had zero impact on him. He was so casual about it I almost believed him. Almost.


Very similiar to something that happened to me when I was around 5 and my older brother was about 10. We were both taking a bath together. And he breifly put it in, for like a second or two, then stopped when I yelled out in pain. And that was the end of that. Never was repeated again.

Except I don't recall feeling abused or assaulted. As I recall my feeling at the time was naively willing and almost curious.

I sometimes wonder about that, should I feel that I was molested? I think I pretty much forgot about it til I was an adult. 

And I have an otherwise pretty normal decent relationship with my brother now and always did growing up.

I have never mentioned this to anyone outside of this post right now. I rarely think about it.

I don't have fear of intimacy or rejection. 

I am not homosexual as I don't find men attractive. But I am always fascinated by anal sex. It's my porn genre of choice. And my ex gf use to occassionally stimulate me there, which I always enjoyed. Never felt guilty or ashamed about it.

I don't know.


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi.

Well, going from experience.... experience as a wife of a husband with issues (who doesn't have issues right?) and experience of having issues...

There are times where i feel i have an insight into my husband that he doesn't have. When i see him behave a certain way towards me, eg say he is being really angry on the road, i really see his dad in him. His dad was very angry and violent. They even do the same looks and his dad is really angry on the road too. I feel i have that insight, but sometimes expressing my analysis of him isn't something he finds helpful and isn't something that will encourage him to get help for it.

In my own experience, having others analyse me, tell me who i am, how this reaction is linked to that event, i know they mean well but i tend to feel invalidated by it. I am a human, i know how i feel and what i feel affected by in my life.

If you want to encourage him to get help, perhaps just name the issues you notice, eg he reacts in this way during intimacy or he behaves like this around men etc. It isn't always helpful to go linking it up to their past traumas, but if you just name the behaviours you notice and gently ask if he would be open to seeing a counsellor with you or by himself, maybe that would be a good start.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Quiet Soul


----------



## ShuttleDIK (Oct 18, 2010)

It took me years to come to terms with what happened to me, even to recognize that it DID happen. Your man's experience sounds very similar to mine. 

And I'd have to say that, while I deal with it every day pretty much, I don't think it defines me as a person now.

I've had years of therapy as a child and adult - it never even came up. Someday maybe I'll delve back in. In the meantime, I'm pretty well adjusted, I think.

I think it's good you can relate to his predicament. I'm very sorry for both your experiences. Be patient. Let him know you'll be there. But you can probably take off the kid gloves. He's gotten this far. Be proud of him!


----------

