# Male Friends - why hide them?



## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and apologies for the length of this post, but I am in a bit of a quandary. I do not know if I am overreacting, being controlling, or if I am simply trying to set some boundaries here because I'm concerned that things might get out of hand, so here goes...

About a month ago, I saw a text from a guy who I shall call "T" on my wife's phone. Didn't think much of it, but realised that I hadn't heard her talk about this guy much before at all, though she had mentioned him very briefly but not in a detail that would give me cause for concern. Shortly thereafter seeing the text I asked her "By the way, who is this guy?" not mentioning anything of the fact I had seen him text her, and she explained that he was a colleague who chatted with her. Fast forward a few weeks and curiosity got the better of me, and I snooped on her phone after we got back from holiday. 

I felt guilty about it, but when I saw some of the texts it made me a little concerned. There was nothing sexual about them, however, she had sent "T" a picture of her in a tight fitting shirt that she has only just gotten back into following a recent diet (with the extent of the photo being her breasts), and some pyjamas that I had bought for her on the same day of the text. I found myself wondering: 
- Why would my wife text a guy I don't know pictures of herself in these clothes?
- Why has she kept this guy and the dialogue from me?

I raised it with her and she said that he is a coworker friend whom she has things in common with. Apparently he likes a certain beer, hence why she texted a picture of her in her tight fitting shirt with a beer logo on, and he likes certain books which her pyjamas are based on. To be honest, the rest of the texts appeared innocent, however, she said he hadn't texted her or vice versa since we had been on holiday for a week. That said, when I opened the phone that text exchange was the first thing I saw - so it makes me wonder if she might have edited it slightly. Who goes back to a text exchange after a week if there are no further texts to see?

I can't get this out of my head unfortunately, because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be in BIG trouble, and have been told so before, therefore I do not initiate texts / calls with female friends unless they are mutual friends who we both know and trust. She is my best friend. She says she loves me. She explained that she did ask me in a covert way "would I be happy for her to go out with a group of guys for a night out" referring to her coworkers. I responded and said, "not really, if I'm not there, since I don't really know them." Of course, I would have been happy to tag along, but now I find out she has been texting this guy despite my expression of these feelings about the subject…so why ask in the first place? To seek validation, like I am now for my actions? 

We are due to live overseas together very soon and she is keen to go, so I want to trust her, but part of me thinks that if she wanted to keep this from me to prevent us arguing then she knew she was disrespecting my boundaries in the first place and that hurts. If you have a friend outside a marriage that you can't at least introduce to your spouse, isn't that a little fishy? She’s discussed this with her girlfriend and she has been in a similar situation, where her partner also got upset, and they both don’t understand the issue that we have. Apparently, her girlfriend’s partner was only OK about this once he saw a picture of the guy in order not to feel challenged! Whatever happened to honesty and being up front about these things?

Am I being unreasonable here? She has told me she will keep things purely professional with him from now on until we move, when she will likely never see him again, and she has been very angry and defensive and upset that I don't trust her, but I find this a little rich if she can’t be up front and honest with me either. My wife is quite naive (I’ve posted before about her problems with her family, but she has grown in strength recently) and there is a high chance that she just wanted this to be platonic, but I know if I was the single man on the receiving ends of these texts I wouldn't be thinking in the same way. She says he lives with his parents, and she thinks he might actually be gay, but how can I judge this? Her best friend is gay, but I know him, have met him many times and trust him to take care of her if anything ever happened to me.

I would welcome your thoughts. If I'm being an ass about this, please let me know, but I am concerned that if I said nothing to her this would otherwise escalate. We evidently appear to both have big trust issues here, but all I ask is that I at least be introduced to friends like this.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I am a person who believes opposite sex friends have no place in a marriage; period. When faced with a situation similar to yours, but a little more complex, I was very insistent that all contact with the guy end. If my wife didn't agree not to ever be in contact with this guy again, our LT marriage was at risk of ending. That's how serious I am about this subject.

You are totally justified in your feelings and, while I can understand how she feels about the trust thing, she's just going to have to live with it. She has totally disrespected you by continuing to be in contact with this guy after you told her you were uncomfortable; this means she can not be trusted. If I were you, I would insist that the friendship end immediately and there be no further contact. Be clear of what the consequences of contacting him again would be (and there needs to be consequences). *Make no mistake about it, this is the beginning of an emotional affair; the picture and continued contact behind your back proves it. * In your previous thread you said your wife has self esteem issues; this makes her an easy target for this guy (or any predator).

I would insist on full access to phones, e-mail, etc. (you both should have that anyway). As far as the coworker's get together, if she goes, I would go, with or without her permission. I would also contact this guy and let him know in no uncertain terms that you know he is talking to your wife, you don't like it and he better stop it. Let him know that you are "watching him".

You ask why they hide them? Because they know a husband won't like the idea of a male friend and having a male friend makes them "feel good".


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks for your reply. I have up until now been extremely secure in our marriage, but this has shattered my confidence at a time when I was looking forward to a ton of new opportunities. I'm now wondering if I should even take her overseas with me....if only I had the time for that complication too. 

We will see, I guess. FWIW, she told me this morning during our blazing row that he had offered to take her to the cinema to watch a film while I was away on business, with his brother and brother's partner, and she declined. Of course, this may be true, but this was back in May so I'm immediately wondering what his intentions are, how long she has hidden this, and why she still entertains him. I do know that in her distant past she was "stalked" by a colleague's husband, and now my mind is wondering if she actually leads men on in this way, intentionally or not. I really, really hope not, but I'm wondering just exactly what I've got myself involved in here. Your summary of why women do this makes sense to me. I'm just gutted and feel betrayed at the moment after everything I've done and all the support I have given in our 6 years together.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

his intentions are not good. Trust your gut on this and look for stuff. Don't confront unless you have irrefutable proof of unacceptable behavior or else you W will blow it off with a lie.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

JB101 said:


> Thanks for your reply. I have up until now been extremely secure in our marriage, but this has shattered my confidence at a time when I was looking forward to a ton of new opportunities. I'm now wondering if I should even take her overseas with me....if only I had the time for that complication too.
> 
> We will see, I guess. FWIW, she told me this morning during our blazing row that he had offered to take her to the cinema to watch a film while I was away on business, with his brother and brother's partner, and she declined. Of course, this may be true, but this was back in May so I'm immediately wondering what his intentions are, how long she has hidden this, and why she still entertains him. I do know that in her distant past she was "stalked" by a colleague's husband, and now my mind is wondering if she actually leads men on in this way, intentionally or not. I really, really hope not, but I'm wondering just exactly what I've got myself involved in here. Your summary of why women do this makes sense to me. I'm just gutted and feel betrayed at the moment after everything I've done and all the support I have given in our 6 years together.


You don't seem to need much advice as you seem to realize what is happening here. The OM asking her out while your away is a huge red flag of his intentions. If it were a lifelong friend that is one thing but a coworker? If she does not see this then she is either very naive or she is "curious". Either way it could end badly if it continues. I would proceed with caution and continue to "monitor" the situation.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> You don't seem to need much advice as you seem to realize what is happening here. The OM asking her out while your away is a huge red flag of his intentions. If it were a lifelong friend that is one thing but a coworker? If she does not see this then she is either very naive or she is "curious". Either way it could end badly if it continues. I would proceed with caution and continue to "monitor" the situation.


No Choice, 

The OP needs to go beyond monitoring and be more proactive. He needs to do some serious "mate guarding" complete with ultimatums. I believe is situation is at a critical juncture that could turn ugly quickly.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks for all your replies. On the flip side, what about her commitment to come and live overseas with me for 1 to 2 years and leave family and friends behind? I realise that this doesn't stop emails/texts from taking place from country to country, but it would at least raise suspicion in her actions if she acted anything other than excited. She has been and is looking forward to moving with me from what I can tell (but might be putting a brave face on). Obviously I need to keep a close eye on any mood changes but if anything serious were going on surely now would be the time to admit that something is going on? I fully appreciate this is completely irrespective of the other guy's potential intentions, but should I see some advantage to this? 

Of course, I am still not happy for these "discussions" to continue and have made this clear, but it could simply be her being unwise to his intentions. The last thing I want to do is drive her away - guard her, yes - but not make her feel that I can't trust her if she has simply been naive. Tricky.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, if your wife is the type of person to secretly engage in conversations with other men, she will do this where you are currently or even if you move overseas.

You need to get down to the bottom of why she is doing this. Is she bored ? Has she always been a flirt ? And make no mistake sending pictures of herself to him is flirting and bad. Sending pictures of a tight fitting shirt showing off her breasts is much worse. Him offering to take her out on a date when you are away is even worse and one must wonder what she has been saying to him to encourage such behaviour.

In an ideal world you would have real evidence of something more concrete before confronting her but you have to go with what you have got which is suspicious in its own right. She needs to understand more about boundaries and you need to determine if she needs to have other male company and if so is she prepared to lose the marriage over it. The fact that she crossed these boundaries already may either mean that she is looking for something more and/or has a very poor understanding of boundaries (which may be the line she will take if she feels that she has been discovered).

Be wary and continue to monitor her without tipping her off yet.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

JB101 said:


> Thanks for all your replies. On the flip side, what about her commitment to come and live overseas with me for 1 to 2 years and leave family and friends behind? I realise that this doesn't stop emails/texts from taking place from country to country, but it would at least raise suspicion in her actions if she acted anything other than excited. She has been and is looking forward to moving with me from what I can tell (but might be putting a brave face on). Obviously I need to keep a close eye on any mood changes but if anything serious were going on surely now would be the time to admit that something is going on? I fully appreciate this is completely irrespective of the other guy's potential intentions, *but should I see some advantage to this? *
> 
> Of course, I am still not happy for these "discussions" to continue and have made this clear, but it could simply be her being unwise to his intentions. The last thing I want to do is drive her away - guard her, yes - but not make her feel that I can't trust her if she has simply been naive. Tricky.


Yes, I think that is a positive sign. I guess the proof will be in the pudding, though--how her demeanor is once you're there. 

If she really wanted him to see her new shirt and pajamas she could have taken pics of them hanging on a hanger.....just sayin'. You're right to be vigilant about this. For some reason she wanted him to see her IN those clothing items.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> what about her commitment to come and live overseas with me for 1 to 2 years and *leave family and friends behind*?



If she is giving you the sob story of sacrifice on this occasion then tell, her "well, I won't be keeping you."

Depending on where you are moving to --and most of Western Europe and some parts of Eastern Europe -- provide nice experiences to someone who is even just mildly open-minded. Some parts of the rest of the World can equally appealing.

Also, these days, communication is cheap and accessible -- not like the olden days <<as NTA contemplates that USD78 transatlantic phone call back in the '70s.>>

So, the good news is that keeping in touch with family and bona fide friends will be easy.

The bad news is that --if she wanted to -- your wife can continue flirting with this guy. Go forbid if she should claim to be attending a weekend or week long seminar somewhere.

I'm with the rest of the first responders here. Your wife was way out of line with this. And way out of line with hiding it from you.

Start contemplating what life might be like without her. And possibly the hot women you may meet while overseas running with the international crowd.

Why stay home (so to speak) when she doesn't intend to?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

JB101 said:


> Thanks for all your replies. On the flip side, what about her commitment to come and live overseas with me for 1 to 2 years and leave family and friends behind? I realise that this doesn't stop emails/texts from taking place from country to country, but it would at least raise suspicion in her actions if she acted anything other than excited. She has been and is looking forward to moving with me from what I can tell (but might be putting a brave face on). Obviously I need to keep a close eye on any mood changes but if anything serious were going on surely now would be the time to admit that something is going on? I fully appreciate this is completely irrespective of the other guy's potential intentions, but should I see some advantage to this?
> 
> Of course, I am still not happy for these "discussions" to continue and have made this clear, but it could simply be her being unwise to his intentions. The last thing I want to do is drive her away - guard her, yes - but not make her feel that I can't trust her if she has simply been naive. Tricky.


Feel that thing squirming around in your belly?

That's your gut telling you something is off.

You gut knows something isn't right with what your wife is doing.

Sorry for being ignorant - I assume a row is a big fight. If you're having a fight and she brings up this guy asking her out on a date (let's be honest, he is), that's a ginormous red flag that should have nuked the room you were in.

Your wife is looking. She's been hiding this potential. Now that you know, she letting you know she now has options

I don't envy you here


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> No Choice,
> 
> The OP needs to go beyond monitoring and be more proactive. He needs to do some serious "mate guarding" complete with ultimatums. I believe is situation is at a critical juncture that could turn ugly quickly.


I have to agree with Middleman Man, OP needs to put a stop to this developing inappropriate friendship before it develops into a EA. You know what she has done is wrong, married women should not be sending photos of themselves to other men. Its wrong. If OP was doing this then, it will be hell to pay.

OP your wife is playing with fire. She is testing the waters to see how much you will put up with. She is getting rewards from this friendship, which, is making her happy. OP, you need to understand what those benefits are and make certain, she is getting them fulfilled by you.

I don't believe in OSF in marriage, unless, they are friends of the marriage. My husband works with lots of females and none of them text or call at home. When, he is at work, text are quick and to the point.
I was the only female amount 50 men, none of us called/texted/emailed out side of work to each other. Not done.

H and W's need to know the boundaries of their marriages. When one party crosses that line, the other one has to point it out.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Hi JB,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you find my words to be of value- I earnestly believe they are. The one thing I'd hammer into your head is this:

It's not your responsibility to make sure your wife is behaving appropriately. Nor is it the responsibility of this other man. It's your wife's. If I'm understanding your story straight, your problem is not this other guy. 

There will always be guys who want to be with a man's wife or girlfriend. Just like there will always be women who want to steal a married man. The answer is not to eliminate them, or try to make sure they are never encountered, or even to blame them. 

The responsibility for this situation rests entirely, solely upon the shoulders of your spouse. It's really up to her, and your job is to make sure she understands the weight of the situation. Don't be lenient with her on this: make it about a choice. You can choose to allow yourself to be disrespected, or to stand up and realize that you are valuable, and certainly not deserving to be subjected to such dishonor. But force her to choose you or this guy. She's under the impression that she can have both. Can she? That's up to you.

Tell her you're not okay with her behavior. That her reasons for contact with this man, and sending revealing pictures to him are flimsy, contrived and transparent, and you can see right through her. Tell her you demand that she honor you and her marriage to you, or that you want her gone. 

Then, make good on that stand. I hope I don't come across as too harsh- I simply want you to understand the gravity of all this. There is so much pain in this world, and many people lie down and take it. You don't have to. Best of luck, friend.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

JB101 said:


> She says he lives with his parents, and she thinks he might actually be gay...


Right. They're ALWAYS gay. That line comes right after "he's just a friend". Funny how there really IS a script to these things.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

Alright, this is how it started in my marriage. My wife had a friend (male) who she only talked to on occasion. I like you was secure. I felt like everything was great. Sex was good, communication wasnt an issue. My wife went to a bar with her girlfriends, she got pretty inebriated. I never minded this, because she comes home frisky as hell. So when she got home we hopped in bed to do the deed. She ran to the bathroom to freshin up. Her phone buzzed, I looked the text said, "that isnt the kind of picture I was talking about." So I opened up her phone and read a few before. The picture she sent was from the bathroom fully clothed with her boobs being the main focus. I confronted, we fought, we made up and she apologized. A few years later, I found they had been talking off and on. Even though I made it clear I wanted her to stop. I confronted again, this time gave her an ultimatum. Either she stops talking to him or I start walking. She agreed, At this time I put a key logger, a cellphone tracker and a VAR in her car. She stopped for two months, then she started a communication with him. Asking to start sending nudes again. I had enough and started my divorce.

You are within your right, you two are married, there is an expectation of privacy for a few things. There is an expectation of transparency as well. If you want her to stop you need to find a way to stop it now before she becomes addicted to the attention she gives her. She will become addicted. Like I told my wife, it is easy for somebody to enjoy simple moments of flattery when the person you share your life with has to live through the good and the bad. He has an advantage already. He only has to talk to her when she feels like she needs a pick me up.

Be carefull, confronting will just make her hide it all better if she doesnt want to stop. Good luck.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

I just called her up during lunch break to tell her that I'm not coping well with this (I'm not, and full of anger), and indicated that I'm prepared to go to overseas without her, unless she promised to uphold our marriage vows and cease communications with him. She has admitted she has done nothing adulterous, but was wrong to keep this a secret and understands why I can't trust her at the moment, and why I'm upset that she has been unable to trust me in the first place. I have made her promise that this will never happen again or this marriage cannot continue. I appreciate I have no further proof, but hiding it was all the proof I feel I needed. I agree with you Dycedarg - this is her doing - she has hid it from me and let it continue, and that's what has hurt me most.

We leave in 5 weeks, and she has re-iterated that she wants to go (she has quit her job now), is excited, has absolutely no intention of staying here, and would be lost without me, but it's going to take me some time to get over this, and I will remain extremely vigilant.

I do feel happier that she now fully understands what lengths I'm prepared to go to - I hate lying, especially from those who profess to hate it from others, but I will now feel less concerned about upsetting her feelings in future. Thank you all for your comments in supporting how I feel about this and making me stronger. I will keep you updated.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JB101 said:


> I just called her up during lunch break to tell her that I'm not coping well with this (I'm not, and full of anger), and indicated that I'm prepared to go to overseas without her, unless she promised to uphold our marriage vows and cease communications with him. She has admitted she has done nothing adulterous, but was wrong to keep this a secret and understands why I can't trust her at the moment, and why I'm upset that she has been unable to trust me in the first place. I have made her promise that this will never happen again or this marriage cannot continue. I appreciate I have no further proof, but hiding it was all the proof I feel I needed. I agree with you Dycedarg - this is her doing - she has hid it from me and let it continue, and that's what has hurt me most.
> 
> We leave in 5 weeks, and she has re-iterated that she wants to go (she has quit her job now), is excited, has absolutely no intention of staying here, and would be lost without me, but it's going to take me some time to get over this, and I will remain extremely vigilant.
> 
> I do feel happier that she now fully understands what lengths I'm prepared to go to - I hate lying, especially from those who profess to hate it from others, but I will now feel less concerned about upsetting her feelings in future. Thank you all for your comments in supporting how I feel about this and making me stronger. I will keep you updated.


Is the male coworker out for good? No contact text sent? Did you two block his number so that he can never text her again? Did you verify that she deleted his contact info from her phone? Did you consider changing her phone number?

Are they FB friends? If so, unfriended and blocked? How about twitter? Do the both of you have open access to each others multimedia devices and emails (except work)?


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

I think that's a very good first step. 

Remember though... people rarely admit to things they've not yet been caught doing. If she were doing something "adulterous" with him, odds are not good that she would confess. Demand that she go to counseling with you, and ask her what she's willing to do to heal the marriage. You probably don't feel it yet, but this is a really big deal. Dishonesty and distrust will drill through a marriage like a bunker missile. 

Right now she is probably wondering what she can do to maintain both you and the attention she's receiving. 

What does your gut tell you? Don't ignore it. Most men do. Women are much more in tune with their feelings on average, and you need to pay extra attention to the flags your mind is reading, but you are having a difficult time interpreting. I don't say that to insult you, I believe this phenomenon to be true of everyone. 

We see things, and it's like there's a more intelligent sector of our minds trying to tell us what they mean. Such a curious occurrence.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> No Choice,
> 
> The OP needs to go beyond monitoring and be more proactive. He needs to do some serious "mate guarding" complete with ultimatums. I believe is situation is at a critical juncture that could turn ugly quickly.


Agreed. He seemed to already have received advice to confront and I was suggesting he remain vigilant in his efforts to verify her "compliance". His latest post indicates his seriousness and she SEEMS to understand but.....trust but verify.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS - She will have a different number when she heads overseas. I will be broaching the subject with her about deleting his number and getting it blocked when we are both home later. I already checked, and they don't appear to be FB friends - however, there's nothing to say his name is actually how it's entered on her phone contact list. Skype is another thing, so I will be getting a keylogger.

Dycedarg - No offence taken  I'm not an emotional guy per se, but I do trust my instincts. My gut tells me that she was seeking attention and that perhaps she wasn't getting enough from me. We have been trying for a child for 2 years now with no success and she has suffered depression in the past. It's absolutely no excuse, but I find her extremely irrational at times. My gut tells me that she knows she has done wrong and she is panicking that the marriage will be over - but I'm also conscious that there may have been more to this and I may have only hit the tip of the iceberg. The fact is, she knows I'm not stupid, and she knows I don't tolerate BS - so I hope this will make her wiser, but this is a last chance saloon for me. I don't mean to be big-headed but I stand to make a lot of money overseas, more than I can in the UK and I will not let her come back with any of this if it continues.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just check the cell phone bill on occasion and to verify everything is cool maybe get a few voice activated recorders and stick one in the house and one in her car for a few weeks.
IF you get nothing awesome.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> She will have a different number when she heads overseas.


And you think that's going to stop her.

So called burner phones are easy to get in Europe. You never had to pay to recieve a call or text on cellphones in Europe anyway..... unlike the phone system in the US.

And there's what's app and viber. There are a whole lot of ways to get around communicating in plain sight, 

I bought a skype number so that whenever someone calls me on the in the US, they only have to pay US call charges (if any) to speak with me.

I think you should be very careful in ensuring that she does not and never will see follwoing you overseas as a sacrifice to her life. I could easily that used as an excuse to go back to recruting EAs while you're at work every day.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

JB101 said:


> Thanks for your reply. I have up until now been extremely secure in our marriage, but this has shattered my confidence at a time when I was looking forward to a ton of new opportunities. I'm now wondering if I should even take her overseas with me....if only I had the time for that complication too.
> 
> We will see, I guess. FWIW, she told me this morning during our blazing row that he had offered to take her to the cinema to watch a film while I was away on business, with his brother and brother's partner, and she declined. Of course, this may be true, but this was back in May so I'm immediately wondering what his intentions are, how long she has hidden this, and why she still entertains him. I do know that in her distant past she was "stalked" by a colleague's husband, and now my mind is wondering if she actually leads men on in this way, intentionally or not. I really, really hope not, but I'm wondering just exactly what I've got myself involved in here. Your summary of why women do this makes sense to me. I'm just gutted and feel betrayed at the moment after everything I've done and all the support I have given in our 6 years together.


Career woman here & 35 years married. Your wife flirts with men. She likes the attention. You mentioned that she was "stalked" by a colleague's husband. She lead this guy on and then changed her mind. Presently, she is toying with this so called "colleague".

You mentioned that you will be moving overseas. If you are moving to a first world country where English is spoken, your wife will have more time to flirt around. You won't be around as you will be working. It's a matter of time when her playing with fire will burn her.

Your wife needs to see psychologist. She has issues with attention-getting which translates to self-esteem. This can become a dangerous game if she ends up playing with a mentally disturbed man. Sorry that you are here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This ain't over, bro.

Wives don't send male co-workers pictures of themselves in tight t-shirts and pajamas because they're "just friends."

This particular guy may or may not be out of the picture, but there will be others, and she'll be smarter about keeping them hidden next time.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

These posts are always hard for me because I don't understand how so many men like you have come into being.

Your WIFE is sending boob shots and selfies of her in PJs to a coworker?

She is asking to go out with this guy?
Yes, asking to go out with a few guys with this guy in the group is asking to go out with him.

I will never understand men like you or what the attraction is to women that are simply too stupid to be a girlfriend much less married.

What is she? 12?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> This ain't over, bro.
> 
> Wives don't send male co-workers pictures of themselves in tight t-shirts and pajamas because they're "just friends."
> 
> This particular guy may or may not be out of the picture, but there will be others, and she'll be smarter about keeping them hidden next time.


I agree with this post and others that suggest your wife get help to examine what her problems are.

I'm not trying to slam you OP but no girlfriend of mine would have ever thought behaving like your wife was ok, much less, my wife.

I'm glad you are experiencing anger and have put your foot down.

I'm just curious why it would take any time or even thought to react that way.

Why so unsure that you are posting here and asking what I'm pretty sure you already know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

As the guy who had to defend allowing your spouse to go to a wedding with a long-term gay friend, I have to go on record here.

This ain't the same thing. This is a serious problem that you're going to have to deal with.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cletus said:


> As the guy who had to defend allowing your spouse to go to a wedding with a long-term gay friend, I have to go on record here.
> 
> This ain't the same thing. This is a serious problem that you're going to have to deal with.


What are the differences that you see here?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> What are the differences that you see here?


In that other case, the woman had an existing decade long platonic relationship with a gay man who was going to accompany her to a wedding. 

In this case, we have a woman trading titillating selfies with a heterosexual male who is pretty clearly trying to undermine her marriage.

They don't look very much the same to me.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

JB101 said:


> I can't get this out of my head unfortunately, because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be in BIG trouble, and have been told so before, therefore I do not initiate texts / calls with female friends unless they are mutual friends who we both know and trust.
> 
> Am I being unreasonable here?
> 
> If I'm being an ass about this, please let me know



WHY are you being such a damn wuss?

Did you see what I quoted? You admitted that she would have a big problem with you doing this but she's doing the same thing. She's whipped you so bad that you're actually questioning if you're doing something wrong when it's her that's ****ing up.

Man up and stop being such a whimp. Ignore her bull**** if she says you're "opressing" her. Don't negotiate, tell her what needs to be done.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JB101 said:


> Plan 9 from OS - She will have a different number when she heads overseas. I will be broaching the subject with her about deleting his number and getting it blocked when we are both home later. I already checked, and they don't appear to be FB friends - however, there's nothing to say his name is actually how it's entered on her phone contact list. Skype is another thing, so I will be getting a keylogger.
> 
> Dycedarg - No offence taken  I'm not an emotional guy per se, but I do trust my instincts. My gut tells me that she was seeking attention and that perhaps she wasn't getting enough from me. We have been trying for a child for 2 years now with no success and she has suffered depression in the past. It's absolutely no excuse, but I find her extremely irrational at times. My gut tells me that she knows she has done wrong and she is panicking that the marriage will be over - but I'm also conscious that there may have been more to this and I may have only hit the tip of the iceberg. The fact is, she knows I'm not stupid, and she knows I don't tolerate BS - so I hope this will make her wiser, but this is a last chance saloon for me. I don't mean to be big-headed but I stand to make a lot of money overseas, more than I can in the UK and I will not let her come back with any of this if it continues.


Does she agree that what she did with this guy broke a boundary with your marriage?

Or is it a "uh oh, I got busted" kinda deal?

These are two different things. If it's the former, maybe she can learn, I dunno.

If it were the latter, your choice is basically either to leave her to grow up on her own or watch her like a hawk for the rest of your life... as she escalates.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

marduk said:


> Does she agree that what she did with this guy broke a boundary with your marriage?
> 
> Or is it a "uh oh, I got busted" kinda deal?
> 
> ...


^^^ This right here man!

But you already know the answer. She hid it from you.

You now have to lay down heavy handed boundaries. Make them blatantly clear and tell her if there is a follow-up occurrence then the marriage is over.

Sorry you are here man, but this is a HUGE red flag.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow, talk about a guy with his head in the sand! OP she is hiding things from you because she feels guilty about flirting with another man. If you believe for one second she sends another man pictures of herself because of logos on her clothes you are an absolute fool! But you know that already, you're just not ready to admit that your wife can't be trusted, but the fact is she has been sharing herself(at least emotionally) with another man. And don't believe her for one second when she says she will stop, she has proved she can't be trusted. 

Full transparency is her only option right now, cell phone, emails, facebook, work emails....etc. She has no right to hide anything from you, if she doesn't like it that's too bad for her, her behavior needs to stop or you need to walk, she needs to prove herself committed to the marriage.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Update: I am now aware that last month she sent a total of just over 100 messages to this guy. I witnessed her delete his number in front of me, and I now have the pin to her phone. We have BOTH got access to each others phones and various accounts since I have nothing to hide anyway. In hindsight this should have been done from the outset.

She says she's spoken to him and told him not to text her anymore. Apparently his response was "we've done nothing wrong, but I fully understand why your husband is upset, and I don't want to be responsible for destroying a marriage." I now have his number and if I see one more text on her bill (which I now have access to), then I will be telling her to stay at home. As I've said previously, the nature of the texts that I could see looked platonic, even those where he replied to her picture messages (bills confirm those were the only 2 she ever sent him), but I'm fuming at how this has been hidden from me, and to the extent that it has. Fully appreciate the tough love from some of you, and I feel like an idiot for assuming I had a secure marriage here. 

Future single opposite sex "friends" now need to be vetted by each of us before I'm happy, though having said that, the way I feel, any one of them is welcome to her.

The texting seemed to start when I was on business in May when she claimed he asked her out and she refused. The utterly ridiculous thing is that she reminded me that I went out for dinner with two couples and a single girl when I was away and she was worried that I might go off with the single girl. One of the couples were colleagues who I've known for years so it's not like I was around people who wouldn't condone any actions. I don't know if she's therefore being rebellious, or plain nuts. I've become so resentful of her over this.

She knows she's done wrong and admits she hates herself and has broken her vows, but I don't know if she really does feel remorseful deep down. She fully states nothing physical has happened (she would) and if it hadn't then I think it wouldnt have been far off had I not discovered this.

Our marriage is a mess and today I lost it on the basis that she tried to make me feel guilty for continuing to bring this up. My trust in her is f***ed, but I want some firm proof to get closure. The fact that what I have seen looks like it MIGHT be passed as platonic makes me actually feel worse than if it was outright sexting and private parts on display. 

Boundaries now established, the one saving grace is that I at least have an excuse to leave in future, and I feel like it might be soon.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

JB101 said:


> Update: I am now aware that last month she sent a total of just over 100 messages to this guy. I witnessed her delete his number in front of me, and I now have the pin to her phone. We have BOTH got access to each others phones and various accounts since I have nothing to hide anyway. In hindsight this should have been done from the outset.
> 
> She says she's spoken to him and told him not to text her anymore. Apparently his response was "we've done nothing wrong, but I fully understand why your husband is upset, and *I don't want to be responsible for destroying a marriage."* I now have his number and if I see one more text on her bill (which I now have access to), then I will be telling her to stay at home. As I've said previously, the nature of the texts that I could see looked platonic, even those where he replied to her picture messages (bills confirm those were the only 2 she ever sent him), but I'm fuming at how this has been hidden from me, and to the extent that it has. Fully appreciate the tough love from some of you, and I feel like an idiot for assuming I had a secure marriage here.
> 
> ...


?????????????????????????????????????????????????????


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Future single opposite sex "friends" now need to be vetted by each of us before I'm happy, though having said that, the way I feel, any one of them is welcome to her.


Even married opposite friends can be a problem.

What wife in her right mind would want your wife texting her husband?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Even married opposite friends can be a problem.
> 
> What wife in her right mind would want your wife texting her husband?


OP,

You need to read around here and read how many marriages were distoryed by married opposite sex friends. Especially friends both were close to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As a woman I think she's enjoying the attention. She may or may not have any real intention of cheating, though these things are often a slippery slope, but sending pics and making plans to go out are HUGE no no's. I generally don't keep in contact with male friends unless it's with hubby or over social media, and even then it's not private and hubby could look any time he wanted. I text a couple of my ex bosses that were good mentors and friends to me but it's either professional or a what's going on type of thing and once again hubby is welcome to look anytime.

And the biggest red flag of all is the fact that you'd be in trouble if you did the same thing. That says loud and clear that she knows what's going on and simply has a double standard. I'd put a stop to this right now, or tell her that since it's no big deal you'll be initiating like friendships with women. If she doesn't like it too bad, you'll maintain the same marital boundaries she does.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You have gotten good advice here, but the answer to your original question, "Male friends - why hide them?" is very simple.

The only reason a woman would do that is that she is interested in them sexually.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

JB101 said:


> Update:
> 
> The texting seemed to start when I was on business in May when she claimed he asked her out and she refused. The utterly ridiculous thing is that she reminded me that I went out for dinner with two couples and a single girl when I was away and she was worried that I might go off with the single girl. One of the couples were colleagues who I've known for years so it's not like I was around people who wouldn't condone any actions. I don't know if she's therefore being rebellious, or plain nuts. I've become so resentful of her over this.
> 
> ...


Your wife is not remorseful. She would have ended up with a physical affair if you have not intervened. She sent over 100 text messages to this guy. I have not sent any messages to my own husband of 35 years this year. If I need to talk to my husband via cell phone, I call.

She is deflecting on the dinner situation so that she'll have some way to get back at you. Be vigilant. She will do this again if she sees you as weak. Carry out consequences, should she cross your boundary. Sorry that you are here.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Big red flags waving. Men can't have close female friends and vise versa. Not when you're married anyways. No boundaries will most likely lead to cheating.

Full transparency for her phone, emails etc. if you want to try better have a serious talk and anymore of this behavior she gets divorce papers. You better man up and set the rules. Gay friends, yeah right they can bang a woman just as easy as the next guy. Oldest excuse in the book.

If she can't stop it move on. You can't fix this. Do not have kids until this is resolved.

You don't need/want that in your life.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

JB101 said:


> I can't get this out of my head unfortunately, because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be in BIG trouble, and have been told so before, therefore I do not initiate texts / calls with female friends unless they are mutual friends who we both know and trust. She is my best friend. She says she loves me.


 See this right here ^^^^^^? So you tell me why she thinks it fine and dandy that's it's OK for her to have male friends and yet she'll get pissed if you have female friends so you respect her wishes and she can't do the same for you. Sorry, your fault.

There isn't any room for compromise in this situation. Rather than sitting down and discussing this with her, you should be letting her know in a way that she knows that your not playing games any longer and the nice guy hat is off and the pissed off hat is now in fashion.

You either have her end it right now and in a way she knows your at the end of your rope or tell her that if you go overseas, you'll not only be going alone but as a single man and she can pose in her jammies and cool T shirts for every guy that wants a picture and mean what you say and stick to your guns.

Honestly, I don't think she's going to stop. For some reason, she thinks your just going to accept it and never do anything to throw the fear of God in her so it's time you bring out the big guns and have them aimed straight at her. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like the most of the messages were deleted. There is a good chance you can recover those texts if you're interested.

Some of the guys here can help you with the programs that recover deleted texts from smart phones.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, if you're still reading.

Ask yourself this.... Do you now feel like you will have to police her phone, Facebook, etc? Because if you do, get rid of her. It will eat you alive.

Unfortunately we lie to ourselves and don't want to believe what we're seeing. But you know in the pit of your gut the trust is gone, for good reason.

Tell her you don't trust her. I see zero remorse based on what you've posted. If she doesn't mess around now, she will eventually.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I really feel that she is "gaslighting" you by coming up with all kinds of "plausible excuses." Ergo, I would start by installing a good quality VAR beneath her car seat and see where her conversations with him take their relationship! It's certainly possible that she's erasing her phone contacts, but if it's a joint cell-phone account, then you could get the numbers, time of calls, and duration off of your cell bill!

Meanwhile, "trust, but verify!" And if what she is doing is not deemed to be trustworthy, then it's time to start shopping for a family attorney!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Opinion: He is a predator.
Slip in a few lines about how he is away too much, doesnt treat her right...
Player 101.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

My views on him being predatory are that this is certainly possible. Having now seen the number of texts on her bill I'm going to send a firm but not overly threatening message to him to indicate I'm aware of what was/is going on. My wife says she has already told him the texts need to stop, however, she is fully open to me contacting him while I was expecting her to protest about it.

Trust issues were massively eating me up inside until yesterday, when the gravitas of the situation finally hit her. Up until then I was actually despising her for her lack of remorse, although she says she has been extremely down over the past week.

I think we are now starting to get somewhere. Unfortunately, my wife only responds to me repeatedly discussing these points until they hit home, which is draining for me, but part of me wanting to get over this is for her to understand what she has done wrong and feel remorse for it. It had to get to the stage when she was packing to leave last night and I told her I wouldn't stop her from going for her to see just how seriously I have taken this. I have told her she is a hypocrite and needs to stop the double standards - I have turned down mild approaches from other women while we have been married and I expect her to do the same or at least run these things by me. I don't want to be controlling, and police her phone, but she has essentially broken a contract here, and she knows this. I told her to consider if she were me and to then think "would Mrs JB be ok with me constantly texting another woman she doesn't know? When should I tell her so she can see if she is comfortable with this?", and this brought her to tears. She wants to know when/if I can trust her again, and I have told her that this will take some time, counselling, but I want to try, while remaining vigilant.

My view on reflection is that she had no concept of our marriage boundaries prior to this, however, that doesn't excuse her actions and for the fact that it's one rule for her and another for me. I feel that she has been massively naive throughout all of this. Innocent? Not sure. Based on what I have seen from the texts, the content was innocent (no nudes, or anything sleazy) but I feel it was actually leading somewhere and I'm glad I discovered it in time. In a lot of respects this has raised a lot of thoughts for me such as - why wasn't our marriage open and transparent to begin with? This is something that we both need to work on to move forward in my view. I am conscious that boredom may set in for her when we move and I will be keeping a close eye on things and monitoring her actions closely.

Thanks for all your views and comments. Admittedly, I had a good idea about what I needed to do, but this is a fantastic site for advice sharing the pain, and taking on board people's previous experiences to validate how I've felt about all of this, and I really appreciate everyone's help.


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## Sarantonio (Sep 24, 2015)

Dycedarg said:


> Hi JB,
> Tell her you're not okay with her behavior. That her reasons for contact with this man, and sending revealing pictures to him are flimsy, contrived and transparent, and you can see right through her. Tell her you demand that she honor you and her marriage to you, or that you want her gone.
> .


Best. Advice. Ever.

Seriously, women like attention, men like attention.. We can all be attention seekers.. BUT, big but

We shouldn't do it art the expense of our mates. If she wants attention, tell her to get a dang hobby and then SMASH it. I like attention, so I do silly things like 5k's and roller derby, that way it's all GOOD, APPROPRIATE attention.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sarantonio said:


> Best. Advice. Ever.
> 
> Seriously, women like attention, men like attention.. We can all be attention seekers.. BUT, big but
> 
> We shouldn't do it art the expense of our mates. If she wants attention, tell her to get a dang hobby and then SMASH it. I like attention, so I do silly things like 5k's and roller derby, that way it's all GOOD, APPROPRIATE attention.


Roller derby and appropriate in the same sentence?

Man, you've got a pair.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

JB101 said:


> Apparently he likes a certain beer, hence why she texted a picture of her in her tight fitting shirt with a beer logo on, and he likes certain books which her pyjamas are based on.


Wow, that's the best Cheatspeak excuse I've read here yet! 

I seriously doubt the logo or the pajama theme had much to do with the reason.


BTW, the reason you're draining yourself trying to make her understand is that you are TALKING instead of DOING. Action is the clearest language there is.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If this all pans out as apparent...
Reminds me of @PhillyGuy13.
Bad stuff happened. But it was caught in time and most permanent marital damage can be repaired.
You largely dodged a bullet but it grazed.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> If this all pans out as apparent...
> Reminds me of @PhillyGuy13.
> Bad stuff happened. But it was caught in time and most permanent marital damage can be repaired.
> You largely dodged a bullet but it grazed.


I really hope so. Rightly or wrongly I ended up contacting the guy, told him I was aware of this and have seen how many texts my wife sent him and I was watching them both and asked him to keep it professional.

His response? That I shouldn't be so condescending, he has no intentions towards my wife but that they have a similar "sense of humour"(....indeed....), they've never met outside work, and that if I can't trust her that's my problem but I can't tell him what to do.

To some extent, he's right, but I've touched a nerve here and know in my mind his intentions are definitely not pure. My wife has 2 more working days with this POS before we leave the country, but that's 2 days too many for me. I'm constantly checking phone records - no further picture messages. I've keyed his numbers into my phone and he doesn't do WhatsApp, is not on social media either. If she ends up wanting this guy, quite frankly, she's welcome to him.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

JB101 said:


> His response? That I shouldn't be so condescending, he has no intentions towards my wife but that they have a similar "sense of humour"(....indeed....), they've never met outside work, and that if I can't trust her that's my problem but I can't tell him what to do.


"Im just a friend" and push boundaries
Player 101


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JB101 said:


> I really hope so. Rightly or wrongly I ended up contacting the guy, told him I was aware of this and have seen how many texts my wife sent him and I was watching them both and asked him to keep it professional.
> 
> His response? That I shouldn't be so condescending, he has no intentions towards my wife but that they have a similar "sense of humour"(....indeed....), they've never met outside work, and that if I can't trust her that's my problem but I can't tell him what to do.
> 
> To some extent, he's right, but I've touched a nerve here and know in my mind his intentions are definitely not pure. My wife has 2 more working days with this POS before we leave the country, but that's 2 days too many for me. I'm constantly checking phone records - no further picture messages. I've keyed his numbers into my phone and he doesn't do WhatsApp, is not on social media either. If she ends up wanting this guy, quite frankly, she's welcome to him.


I would...

Well, not let it end there.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> It sounds like the most of the messages were deleted. There is a good chance you can recover those texts if you're interested.
> 
> Some of the guys here can help you with the programs that recover deleted texts from smart phones.


I agree with this. Go to the Standard Evidence thread and get those texts.

She deleted 100 texts, except the innocent ones that you saw (innocent including tight shirt pics) if those are the ones she kept I wonder what she deleted. And when you opened her phone and it went right to his week old text? She was on there deleting texts just before you got to the phone.

"Apparently" he said we've done nothing wrong but I don't want to ruin a marriage". Did you see this yourself or did she tell you this.

Trust nothing you cannot independently verify.

And if this guy is local, visit him. Put him on notice. Do not get physical. Make it clear to him. Don't make my mistake of having your wife tip toe around the issue for months and months. Take the bull by the horn and put him on notice.

As for wife, clearly she craves attention. Why? Someone suggested counseling for her. I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Satya said:


> Wow, that's the best Cheatspeak excuse I've read here yet!
> 
> I seriously doubt the logo or the pajama theme had much to do with the reason.
> 
> ...


The freckles on my boob look like the Big Dipper and he is really into astronomy!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

JB101 said:


> I really hope so. Rightly or wrongly I ended up contacting the guy, told him I was aware of this and have seen how many texts my wife sent him and I was watching them both and asked him to keep it professional.
> 
> His response? That I shouldn't be so condescending, he has no intentions towards my wife but that they have a similar "sense of humour"(....indeed....), they've never met outside work, and that if I can't trust her that's my problem but I can't tell him what to do.
> 
> To some extent, he's right, but I've touched a nerve here and know in my mind his intentions are definitely not pure. My wife has 2 more working days with this POS before we leave the country, but that's 2 days too many for me. I'm constantly checking phone records - no further picture messages. I've keyed his numbers into my phone and he doesn't do WhatsApp, is not on social media either. If she ends up wanting this guy, quite frankly, she's welcome to him.


Glad you contacted him. I wish I had when it was me.

He sounds like a d.bag. He knew 100 percent his intentions. Condescendion should be the least of his worries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Way too many red flags and poor excuses in my opinion.

Quite frankly I wouldn't be satisfied with just leaving the country and that dude behind. Her behaviour and responses have been unsatisfactory. 

Dump her.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

I'd retrieve the texts and take it from there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How did she react to his reply?


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## kisskisa (Oct 2, 2015)

You are in big trouble here. My bet is this will be over soon.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

JB101 said:


> weightlifter said:
> 
> 
> > If this all pans out as apparent...
> ...


Dam dude, this is exactly how my marriage fell apart. You are exactly right to put a stop to this. I can tell you for a fact that she won't. Don't let up on the spying. If this doesn't stop your toast. Honestly bro if you don't have kids and don't have to much invested just get out. Way to many women out there to put up with an ounce of this crap. Instead of spending your precious time with her, hit the gym and focus on you. Let her crash and burn without you.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> How did she react to his reply?


She was very "meh" about it. Didn't say much, just said "I'll only be working with him for 2 more days." 

I found his number again in her diary BTW.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

JB101 said:


> She was very "meh" about it. Didn't say much, just said "I'll only be working with him for 2 more days."
> 
> I found his number again in her diary BTW.


There's more to their relationship than just friends. You better watch her on her last day at work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> JB101 said:
> 
> 
> > She was very "meh" about it. Didn't say much, just said "I'll only be working with him for 2 more days."
> ...


I'm inclined to agree. I'm playing "dumb husband" now, which is hard for me since I don't hide anger well. Funny thing is I'm only now noticing just how attached she is to her phone, but she has always been a bit like that. 

The temptation to outright ask her for her phone is very high, but I want her to drop her defences a little. It sounds awful because it makes me feel like I WANT to find something, but there's no way in hell she's travelling with me if I find a shred of anything more.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

JB101 said:


> I'm inclined to agree. I'm playing "dumb husband" now, which is hard for me since I don't hide anger well. Funny thing is I'm only now noticing just how attached she is to her phone, but she has always been a bit like that.
> 
> The temptation to outright ask her for her phone is very high, but I want her to drop her defences a little. It sounds awful because it makes me feel like I WANT to find something, but there's no way in hell she's travelling with me if I find a shred of anything more.


Let's look at the facts. 

1) She hid her "friendship" from you. 
2) Claimed that he was gay. 
3) He asked her out months ago, supposedly declined, but continue to text. 
4) She sent pics to him. 
5) works with the guy
6) deleted his number, but saved it in her diary. 

I could go on, but you know the rest. 

She craves this guy!! She knows everything about him!!!

I wonder how they communicate now? Texting app? Facebook? Burner phone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is the number in her diary recent. Anything else in the diary?


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## saubryn (May 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> If she really wanted him to see her new shirt and pajamas she could have taken pics of them hanging on a hanger.....just sayin'. You're right to be vigilant about this. For some reason she wanted him to see her IN those clothing items.


If I wanted to send a picture of a shirt with a logo on it, I might thoughtlessly do a quick selfie in the bathroom mirror - but it would be a full body pic (or head/torso at the very least), NOT zoomed in on the breasts like the poster implies.

I'm probably one of the most OSF-supportive posters on here, but a chest picture is a really worrying sign to me. She might not be intending on cheating (my gut instinct is that she isn't) but she does seem to like the attention.


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

I managed to have a quick look through her phone yesterday on one of the few occasions it's not in her hands, and noticed a text conversation with one of her best friends. This is a slightly abridged version:
W: I don't know when JB will trust me again.
F: It's probably still raw for him, give it some time.
W: I just found out that he contacted T. Now T will probably hate me, but I'd rather save my marriage.
F: What did T say to him?
W: I haven't asked, and don't want to, I just want JB to trust me again.
F: It's just work-related banter, that's all you share with T, surely JB will see that? The two of you are in love and you'll work it out.

I confronted her about the number in her diary. It was written in this week's section, so likely written down after I asked her to delete it from her phone. In fact, I hit the roof, and we spent some time away from each other since she claimed she had to call him about a work related incident (he works shifts, she doesn't, and he was away from the office). She said she had to note it down somewhere after asking someone what it was, and her diary was already open. I really don't know what to think now, but it has opened my eyes and I certainly won't be feeling quite so concerned about who I end up going out for dinner with on business trips anymore!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

JB101 said:


> I managed to have a quick look through her phone yesterday on one of the few occasions it's not in her hands, and noticed a text conversation with one of her best friends. This is a slightly abridged version:
> W: I don't know when JB will trust me again.
> F: It's probably still raw for him, give it some time.
> W: I just found out that he contacted T. Now T will probably hate me, but I'd rather save my marriage.
> ...


And throw in the friend who is less than supportive of the marriage by providing the rationalization and validation that she's doing nothing wrong...regardless of what followed. Notice the subtle innuendo that JB101 is being unreasonable?


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## JB101 (Mar 11, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> JB101 said:
> 
> 
> > I managed to have a quick look through her phone yesterday on one of the few occasions it's not in her hands, and noticed a text conversation with one of her best friends. This is a slightly abridged version:
> ...


Indeed, the trouble with her is that she's too worried about telling someone straight and she has male friends of her own (due to be married next year). I often feel like I'm surrounded by kids.


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

I had the same thing happen in my marriage trust me a man has no place texting a married women. Men think differently than women do. I tried to explain this to my wife but she didn't get it. His texts were very suggestive and full of sexual overtones and she says she didn't get that from the texts. I tried to make her see if the situation was reversed she would be furious with me. I eventually had to call the man and threaten to go to his boss and his wife. 
Married people have no business texting individuals that their spouse doesn't know or feel comfortable with. I'm all for having friends but when the spouse starts hiding and deleting sections of the text there's a BIG PROBLEM. 
You need to put a stop to this now and set future boundaries if she can't abide by your wishes and show the respect she wants from you perhaps she isn't the woman you thought she was. 
It sucks to be the person that fixes someone broken and then watch them fly off with someone else after you repaired all the personal damage that her family did. 
Good luck buddy. If you need to talk or ask more feel free. Been married 15 years here


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

The Middleman you said it so it just right I had the same happen and it's totally disrespectful of your marriage especially when you know if it was you doing it she would be freaking out on you. 
Sounds like you went thru the same thing as me.


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> his intentions are not good. Trust your gut on this and look for stuff. Don't confront unless you have irrefutable proof of unacceptable behavior or else you W will blow it off with a lie.


Don't confront Hell yes confront tell this man in no uncertain terms he's to stay away from your wife and if he contacts her again go to his boss and get him fired. You can do it.


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

JB101 said:


> Thanks for your reply. I have up until now been extremely secure in our marriage, but this has shattered my confidence at a time when I was looking forward to a ton of new opportunities. I'm now wondering if I should even take her overseas with me....if only I had the time for that complication too.
> 
> We will see, I guess. FWIW, she told me this morning during our blazing row that he had offered to take her to the cinema to watch a film while I was away on business, with his brother and brother's partner, and she declined. Of course, this may be true, but this was back in May so I'm immediately wondering what his intentions are, how long she has hidden this, and why she still entertains him. I do know that in her distant past she was "stalked" by a colleague's husband, and now my mind is wondering if she actually leads men on in this way, intentionally or not. I really, really hope not, but I'm wondering just exactly what I've got myself involved in here. Your summary of why women do this makes sense to me. I'm just gutted and feel betrayed at the moment after everything I've done and all the support I have given in our 6 years together.


Yes take her with you


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, this is how it started in my marriage. My wife had a friend (male) who she only talked to on occasion. I like you was secure. I felt like everything was great. Sex was good, communication wasnt an issue. My wife went to a bar with her girlfriends, she got pretty inebriated. I never minded this, because she comes home frisky as hell. So when she got home we hopped in bed to do the deed. She ran to the bathroom to freshin up. Her phone buzzed, I looked the text said, "that isnt the kind of picture I was talking about." So I opened up her phone and read a few before. The picture she sent was from the bathroom fully clothed with her boobs being the main focus. I confronted, we fought, we made up and she apologized. A few years later, I found they had been talking off and on. Even though I made it clear I wanted her to stop. I confronted again, this time gave her an ultimatum. Either she stops talking to him or I start walking. She agreed, At this time I put a key logger, a cellphone tracker and a VAR in her car. She stopped for two months, then she started a communication with him. Asking to start sending nudes again. I had enough and started my divorce.
> 
> You are within your right, you two are married, there is an expectation of privacy for a few things. There is an expectation of transparency as well. If you want her to stop you need to find a way to stop it now before she becomes addicted to the attention she gives her. She will become addicted. Like I told my wife, it is easy for somebody to enjoy simple moments of flattery when the person you share your life with has to live through the good and the bad. He has an advantage already. He only has to talk to her when she feels like she needs a pick me up.
> 
> Be carefull, confronting will just make her hide it all better if she doesnt want to stop. Good luck.


Damn you said it all. It's funny how they all say and do the same things. Hiding the communication after promising to stop only to have you find out a few months later it never stopped. Then the hurt and anger comes back 100 fold. 
Stop this now give her straight forward consequences of what will happen if she doesn't stop and make her understand you won't put up with it anymore ever again


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

Dycedarg said:


> I think that's a very good first step.
> 
> Remember though... people rarely admit to things they've not yet been caught doing. If she were doing something "adulterous" with him, odds are not good that she would confess. Demand that she go to counseling with you, and ask her what she's willing to do to heal the marriage. You probably don't feel it yet, but this is a really big deal. Dishonesty and distrust will drill through a marriage like a bunker missile.
> 
> ...


Dycedarg you are so right this almost destroyed my marriage it would creep up when I wasn't even expecting it too. It even showed up in the bedroom we would start to get intimate and I would be getting aroused and then it would pop into my head and I wouldn't be able to keep things up it really hurt our relationship a lot. It took a long time for us to be able to be intimate without me thinking of what was going on and wondering what had happened that I didn't know about. My wife travels a lot for work and the said co-worker went to these functions too so I had no idea as what all had happened. 
This kind of thing can destroy a marriage a family and the other spouse it's happening to.


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## txcowby8 (Mar 29, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> OP, if you're still reading.
> 
> Ask yourself this.... Do you now feel like you will have to police her phone, Facebook, etc? Because if you do, get rid of her. It will eat you alive.
> 
> ...


Your so right it eats you up a little bit more everyday. It has taken me years to get back to what was destroyed in a matter of seconds it took for me to read some secret text messages on my wifes phone.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

txcowboy,

You need to bundle up those texts in a neat PDF file and give them to the wife and boss immediately.

This OM might go quiet but will not go away, without some forceful encouragement of one kind or another.

Tamat


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This POS is running against time to bang your wife before you move. She knows the score but feigns ignorance and has "friends that tries to make it seem like your some control freak. If the tables were turned, your wife would blow her stack and her friend would be counseling her to crack the whip. Personally, with the way your the wife is acting, I would rethink whether to take her with you or not. This new job could be a wonderful experience that can lead to meeting a new woman that won't put talking to men above her husbands feelings.


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