# newlywed with 3 month old - odds stacked against me



## nader (May 4, 2011)

Hi.

I've known my wife for almost 2 years; I am 30 and she is 33. We got married in November when she was about 6 months pregnant. We are crazy about each other and know that we've both found "the one." 

Our isaac is 3 months old now so we are just getting back into the swing of things, but it is very frustrating.

Sex, when we have it, is fair to awesome, if maybe a bit on the vanilla side. She never complains about my technique and makes me feel like I am reasonably skilled and as well as I know her I don't think she would lie just to spare my feelings. So I know the pieces are in place and that we are, in fact, sexually compatible, when the stars are aligned.

But lately factors are piling up that makes it harder and harder for her to want sex, and I don't think she understands that it is a real need for me and what a difference it makes in my life whether I'm getting it or not. 

One problem is oral. She gives MINDBLOWING head when she puts her mind to it, but she makes me beg for it, makes promises and breaks them, and just acts like she doesn't want to, and I'm afraid it's just going to stop altogether one day, which would utterly crush me. I've made it clear how much I love it, how much it means to me, and how happy it makes me, but she doesn't seem to get it. I DREAM about times in the past when she's surprised me in the morning, and she acts like she doesn't remember them. If I get it in the morning or the night before (any sex but ESPECIALLY oral!), I feel like the king of the world when I go to work. To you ladies who put down 1 in the fellatio thread, my hat is off to you! When I get turned down repeatedly, I feel progressively gloomier and find myself masturbating and looking at porn more than I want to, a pale imitation of what I really need. It makes SUCH a difference for me, maybe more than some other men (although I suspect this is normal).

For sex in general, she is pretty much all or nothing. There is little to no kissing or cuddling if there is no intercourse (maybe because she knows I'm so horny I won't be able to stop!). Maybe a peck on the lips when I am coming or going or turning in for the night. She plays the tired card quite often, and while I believe that she is legitimately tired, I also believe that people can do things they really want to do, or feel like they SHOULD do even when they're tired. She is not too tired to do important things, like empty the dishwasher, for example.

And of course, there is the baby - her reproductive system is obviously recovering from all of that, and it has been much better than I expected. She showers all kinds of affection and attention ton the baby and has very little left for me, which I understand is common. 

However I am just a really horny guy and I get frustrated and impatient. It frustrates me to no end that my needs haven't changed an ounce while hers have been a roller-coaster for the past year!

I read advice columns almost obsessively to try and understand this better, and one thing that invariably comes up is helping around the house. While I do as much as I can, she is a bit on the OCD side, especially with the kitchen, and prefers me to stay with the baby, feed him, etc. while she cooks, cleans, etc. I've begged her to let me clean the kitchen, but she thinks I won't do a good job and will have to clean up after me anyway (I am not perfect, but I know how to clean a damn kitchen). It shows a lack of confidence in me, which also bothers me. Btu I do other things - at a minute's notice I will go to the store and pick up anything she needs or wants. If she is sick (she has allergies and not the best immune system, and the pregnancy was HELL), I trip over myself to make her feel better. She acknowledges this and thanks me, and assures me that I do a good job of taking care of her and our son.

But there is a part of her that just locks up when I try to have honest conversations about this. To her I come off as whiny and needy, 'insatiable,' and a drama queen. She once said that Jenna Jameson couldn't satisfy me. I told her that a) I don't want JJ, I want my wife! (because what else am I supposed to say!) and b) she is giving me too much credit and that I could never match the stamina of an average porn star. I told her I would be thrilled with 3-4 times a week (it's been almost a week and a half now).

I try to understand where she is coming from - she works on her feet from 6am-2pm and her job is physically exhausting.

I guess our biggest problem is that sex means something very different to her than it does to me. If I am stressed, tired, or mad about something, I can't think of a better remedy than a good roll in the hay. But for her everything has to be just so for her to even consider it. Otherwise it is just another direction for her to be pulled in. she also has been taking Zoloft for depression ever since she knew she was pregnant. Could this be a factor as well?

I KNOW that it can be better than this.. I just need advice on adjusting my expectations, or things I can do to make her understand what a big deal this is. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but I just need a game plan. I can just keep trying to be patient, but I don't want to be miserable and sexually frustrated for years!!

I'd just like to get some perspective from wives who have been there and understand, or husbands who have worked through this with some degree of success. Help!


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Who takes care of the baby? You or her? Who gets up, changes diapers, and all that? 

A 3 month old baby is EXHAUSTING...and I cannot even believe you'd say 'play the tired card'-- as if she isn't REALLY tired. 

Also, personally, I couldn't really let go and enjoy myself knowing a baby is going to cry any second, so you really have to pick your timing. 

HELP her with the baby, make sure it is a fair split, and find a way to have someone else take the baby now and again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Time... She had a baby 3 months ago. Seriously. Give her time. Don't know about the medication, but that might have an effect too.

C


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

baby goes to day care in the day when we both work. when we are both home I feed him and change him most of them time. She is usually working on dinner around this time (she loves to cook so I think it is also a way she unwinds). When she works on weekends, I am home with the baby. I LOVE taking care of our baby and have no problem sharing the responsibility. The baby is an amazing sleeper; he rarely wakes us up once he is down for the night, fwiw. She is usually first to hear him, but I have no qualms about getting up if I need to.

Play the tired card does sound harsh. But it is almost an automatic now, and honestly I get just as tired. Being tired just means something different to her than it does to me.

I should note that a major part of the challenge for me is that we didn't really have a honeymoon time in our wedding. Or we had it when we first met, we just didn't know it yet. We haven't had a chance to learn to be married and live together due to an unplanned pregnancy.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

nader said:


> I should note that a major part of the challenge for me is that we didn't really have a honeymoon time in our wedding. Or we had it when we first met, we just didn't know it yet. We haven't had a chance to learn to be married and live together due to an unplanned pregnancy.


It is a challenge...you will have to deal with it and give her a break and some time. A mother cannot (in my experience) sleep the way a father can with a new baby....call it instinct I guess.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have a high sex drive and even my libido took a bit of a back seat when I had babies. Tired doesn't even begin to say how I felt. I was fat, I was nursing, I was exhausted, I was drained, I worried, and yes sometimes sleep became more of a priority. And I didn't feel sexy at all in my post partem nursing body. After my first I don't even think I had sex until he was (and I'm ashamed to say this) several months old.

And here I am kids are older, I'm rested, my body is back and my drive is back to normal. Try to give it time and be more understanding of what she's going through. Becomming a mom for the first time is really draining.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

wow.. maybe I am better off than I thought. It helps to have that perspective, magnoliagal.

I just wish I could turn off my libido for awhile, that would make this much easier.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

nader said:


> wow.. maybe I am better off than I thought. It helps to have that perspective, magnoliagal.
> 
> I just wish I could turn off my libido for awhile, that would make this much easier.


Yes you are better off than you thought. But be careful that you don't make your wife resent you with you being critical. Nobody expects you to turn your libido off just do the best you can until she passes the infant/baby stuff. This is a crossroads for you. Don't fail.

FWIW I can hardly keep my hands off my husband now. :smthumbup:


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## CrucialHabits (May 11, 2011)

I think it's great that your seeking advice or support for this. It says a lot about how much you care about your wife. Psychotropic medications can definitely lead to sexual side effects in both men and women. This doesn't mean she should stop taking it but it is something she could talk with her doctor about. I would focus not on what you say or do to arouse your wife or ask for sex, but how you do it. How you express that you want sex can come across in many different ways with very different outcomes. I would monitor your nonverbals and emotional state when talking about this. often if you can express your needs in a very calm non-demanding way it might help. Also you could find out how does she know when to feel "aroused" or "in the mood". What are her sex triggers. What actions, talk or nonverbals help her want sex. What does your wife find arousing? These are often very specific to each person.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Thank you for your response - I had almost forgotten about this thread. I wrote this after a nearly 2 week dry spell, which followed a great week. We've had another pretty good week, probably due to anticipation of Mother's Day and getting over some flu that was going around. It is quite sporadic really - 2-3 days in a row and then off for a week and a half, then awesome again for a few days.

If I could figure out what these triggers were, I probably wouldn't be posting here! What works today probably won't work tomorrow.
Would love to hear from others what they consider to be "triggers."

<I am not nearly as frustrated now as I was when I first posted this, but things can always improve.>


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Start doing some on sexual touching ASAP. Do not expect it to lead to sex, and do it everyday. Make it known that you love to touch and hug her no strings attached. There was a great thread around here about this a while ago.

Also she has just had a baby, as others have said, cut her some slack or she will resent you and sex will seem like a chore.

Not least start acting more manly and don't let her put you down or push you around. But don't act like a jerk. This will gain her respect for you which will make you seem more attractive to her.

It's great that you help with the baby, but help with the kitchen too, insist on it. if she is critical, shut her down and say, "I am doing it my way and at least I'm putting the effort in"


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As Syrum said, you need to take charge more. Stop asking permission for sex. Your wife has already said you sound whiny. That won't turn her on. You can't convince your wife logically to be more aroused by you. You just have to start pushing her buttons.

And get her off the Zoloft. SSRIs are marriage killers. The potential sexual side effects are significant. There are other anti-depressants that don't have sexual side effects.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You never mentioned whether she is breast-feeding or not. But, if so, that can be quite a dampener on a woman's libido as well. The other thing that really dampened my libido after our first baby was the fact that I was really scared to get pregnant again! Sounds crazy, but true.

I think the birth of a child is a HUGE adjustment in every way for both parents. I know that in looking back I do regret the fact that I was not aware of what my husband's physical needs were at that time - and he didn't really push me on it. I think he could see the utter exhaustion I had - for me it was mind-numbing. Good luck and congratulations on your baby!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Nader, this is an article I found from a magazine, it is a very good article for young parents with new born babies, I didn't do a good job rearranging it, but hope it is good for you! 




Children can change a marriage in unexpected ways. For example,
a new mother may focus on
her baby and be surprised at
how her body and heart respond
to each whimper of
the newborn. As for the new
father, he may marvel at the bond formed
between his wife and the baby, but he may
also worry about suddenly being left out.
In fact, the birth of a first child may
be a catalyst for a crisis in a marriage.
An individual’s emotional insecurities and a
couple’s unresolved issues may surface, exposed
and magnified by the strains of parenthood.
How can new parents adjust to the hecticfirst few months when the newborn requires all their attention? What can a couple do to maintain their intimacy?

A new baby consumes its mother’s time
and thoughts. She may feel a deep sense of
emotional fulfillment in caring for her baby.
Meanwhile, her husbandmight feel neglected.
A key to success: Be patient. “Love is
long-suffering and kind,” 
Love “does not look for its own interests,
does not become provoked.” When a new baby arrives, what can both husband and wife do to apply that
counsel?
A wise husband proves his love for his wife
by educating himself about the physical and
mental impact childbirth has on awoman. If
he does so, he will realize why his wife may
be prone to sudden mood changes.
Adam, who lives in France and is the father of an
11-month-old girl, admits: “My wife’s mood
changes are sometimes difficult to deal with.
But I try to remember that her frustration is
not really directed at me personally. Rather,
it is a response to the unfamiliar stresses of
our new situation.”

Does your wife sometimes misunderstand
your attempts to help out? If so, do not
quickly become offended. 
Instead, patiently look for her best interests,
not your own, and you will avoid getting upset.

Your relationship as a couple might weaken.
Exhausted by fragmented sleep and unexpected
crises, many new parents struggle
to remain close. Vivianne, a French mother
of two infants, admits: “At first, I was so focused
on my duty as a mother that I almost
forgotmy role as awife.”
On the other hand, a husband may fail to
recognize that pregnancy has taken a toll on
his wife—both physically and emotionally. A
newbaby can consume time and energy that
both of you formerly used to remain emotionally
and sexually intimate. How, then, can a couple ensure that their helpless, lovable baby does not become a wedge that
drives them apart?

what can you do to
strengthen the marriage? Tell your wife that
you love her. Back up your words with acts of
tenderness. Make a conscious effort to allay
any feelings of insecurity that your wife may
have. Sarah, a 30-year-old mother, says: “A
wife needs to know that she is still valued
and loved, even though her body is not what
it was before her pregnancy.”Alan, who lives
in Germany and is the father of two boys,
sees the need for providing emotional support.
He says: “I have always tried to be a
shoulder formy wife to cry on.”

Understandably, the arrival of a baby disrupts
a couple’s sexual relationship. So a husband
and wife need to discuss each other’s
needs. The Bible states that changes in a couple’s
sexual relationship should be made
by “mutual consent.” 
That requires communication. Depending
on your upbringing or cultural background,
you might be reluctant to talk about sexual
matters with your spouse. But such conversations
are vital as a couple adjust to the routines
of parenthood. Be empathetic, patient,
and honest. You and your spouse will thus avoid misunderstandings and will deepen your love for each other.

A couple can also deepen the love they feel
for each other by expressing appreciation. A
wise husband will realize that much of the
work performed by a new mother goes unseen.
Vivianne says: “By the end of the day, I
often feel as if I have accomplished nothing
—even though I have been busy caring for
the baby constantly!” Despite being busy, a
discerning wife will be careful not to belittle
her husband’s contribution to the family.

Fathers,whenever possible, get up at night to feed
or change the baby so that your wife can
rest. Regularly reaffirm your love for your
mate by leaving notes for her, sending her
text messages, or talking to her on the telephone.
As a couple, make time to have oneon-
one conversations. Talk about each other,
not only about your child. Keep your
friendship with your spouse strong, and you
will be better able to handle the challenges
of parenthood.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

no breastfeeding, but I have heard that this makes it worse. I'm going to talk to her some more about the zoloft because I really think that is having an effect.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

It's been almost a week now. We are in some kind of pattern of doing it 2 days in a row or so, and then off for a week sometimes 2.

I spoke with her about the Zoloft, chances of her changing or going off it are zero to none. She acted shocked that I would even ask her to consider it, and claims it keeps her from being depressed/crazy or whatever, so she can be the best mom she can be. It's true she has been prescribed psychotropics in the past and for good reason, bu I'm kind of hurt by the fact that she is willing to (in theory) sacrifice her libido without even considering a better option. She told me that if my *** fell off she would love me just the same, which is a nice sentiment, but not especially encouraging.

I will just have to keep trying/not trying. We have definitely had some good times since she has been on the Z, so that issue could just be in my head. 'choreplay' makes no difference, in fact sometimes it makes it worse because she will say things like, "I know you're trying to help around the house, but why didn't you do x instead of y?". Talking about this problem only seems to make it worse; I think my best bet at this point is to just back off for awhile and stop trying to so hard. But it is damn frustrating!!


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am to understand yoiur wife is working on her feet most of the day and his also caring for a newborn? 

That said i am not sure "playing the tired card" is a fair charictorization. 

I would cut her some slack for sure. While masturbation should not be your long-term option. It would seem that you could suplement your needs until your child can at least allow your wife to get more rest. 

The meds could also play a part in this.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Brief update:

we've been having all kinds of hot sex since this weekend, including a bj here and there for good measure. We had kind of a huge fight on Monday, but I managed to turn it around in my favor, and the makeup sex was some of the best in recent memory. Then last night when I came home, she was taking a nap with the baby. I gave her a few minutes and then hopped in the bed and just started going down on her. We kept going but it was time to feed the baby, so we resumed what we were doing after watching Glee. After we finished I told her we might have to take a night off, and she said no promises!

Anyway, I just wanted to say, the manning up stuff works. It is not about her being tired/hormonal/on anti-depressants or me doing laundry or not. It's about standing my ground when we fight, taking ownership of the romance/sex aspect of the relationship and generally being a person that she wants to have sex with.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

nader said:


> Brief update:
> 
> we've been having all kinds of hot sex since this weekend, including a bj here and there for good measure. We had kind of a huge fight on Monday, but I managed to turn it around in my favor, and the makeup sex was some of the best in recent memory. Then last night when I came home, she was taking a nap with the baby. I gave her a few minutes and then hopped in the bed and just started going down on her. We kept going but it was time to feed the baby, so we resumed what we were doing after watching Glee. After we finished I told her we might have to take a night off, and she said no promises!
> 
> Anyway, I just wanted to say, the manning up stuff works. It is not about her being tired/hormonal/on anti-depressants or me doing laundry or not. It's about standing my ground when we fight, taking ownership of the romance/sex aspect of the relationship and generally being a person that she wants to have sex with.


:smthumbup:

Yay! I'm happy for you!


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