# I don't know if I can do this to my child



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

My plan has been to finally file for divorce in the next few weeks. One of my kids, my 10 y/o daughter, has been very worried about this for over a year. We have separated twice so she knows what it's like. She's always trying to make references about "our family" and how "nice it is" to be doing stuff together. Her way of trying to influence my decision.

This weekend she started on me again about my wedding band I lost in a move 3 years ago. She said "Why don't you want to get another one dad???" I just said "You know why." Because she does know. I think it really hit her at that moment that we would be splitting up our family for good.

I feel HORRIBLE about this! I have tears in my eyes just typing this. How do you do this to your child and be ok with it? I know all the "it'll be better in the long run" stuff, but man the disappointment in her face freaking KILLS me!

I feel like a complete jerk.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Sorry you're going through this, BG. Divorce is tough on kids in all age groups. My own parents divorced when I was 21. But I didn't know that they would be better off without each other, and how different they were/are. 

My Mom is outgoing, full of life, likes to travel, and loves to work (she owns a business in her small town where everyone loves her), is remarried, and living life to the fullest.

My Dad retired in the late 90s and has never worked another day in his life. Nor does he travel. His closest friends have passed away and he has no hobbies. He's also been a cheater all, or most, of my life. I've known about him since I was a small child. 

I think you have to do what's best for you and your life. Children should not grow up in a home where there is no love between the parents. They need to see positive relationships to know how things should be, instead of around arguing, parents not happy, etc. 

It will take some time to adjust, but kids can be better off in more positive environments.

My nephews grew up with divorced parents, but the parents got along great, as friends, raising their boys. The boys are very stable, both graduated from college, both married, and one has a baby on the way - I just found out. 

Anyway, do what's right for you, so that you can do what is right for your kids. It's not always the right thing to stay together for the kids. 

I wish you the best.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You've been unhappy for the better part of 10 years. You've sought counseling, you've made plans, you've started dozens of threads on here, etc.

How long do you plan on prolonging this?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> You've been unhappy for the better part of 10 years. You've sought counseling, you've made plans, you've started dozens of threads on here, etc.
> 
> How long do you plan on prolonging this?


Not much longer. I've been saying for a few months I would file after the holidays.

I was sharing this because of the pain I saw in my daughters eyes this weekend.

Guess I'll just stop posting.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Sorry you're going through this, BG. Divorce is tough on kids in all age groups. My own parents divorced when I was 21. But I didn't know that they would be better off without each other, and how different they were/are.
> 
> My Mom is outgoing, full of life, likes to travel, and loves to work (she owns a business in her small town where everyone loves her), is remarried, and living life to the fullest.
> 
> ...


Thank you SW. Stbx and I get along fine when it comes to the children. I don't have any worries about us communicating in the years to come. Her parents did the same thing with her.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Not much longer. I've been saying for a few months I would file after the holidays.
> 
> I was sharing this because of the pain I saw in my daughters eyes this weekend.
> 
> Guess I'll just stop posting.


Please do not stop posting. TAM is a valuable board for people with all sorts of issues.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Thank you SW. Stbx and I get along fine when it comes to the children. I don't have any worries about us communicating in the years to come. Her parents did the same thing with her.


So why did you separate 2x before and get back together 2x? :scratchhead:

I noticed that we joined TAM at the same time, but I know very little of your story. Reader Digest version is fine.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

southern wife said:


> So why did you separate 2x before and get back together 2x? :scratchhead:
> 
> I noticed that we joined TAM at the same time, but I know very little of your story. Reader Digest version is fine.


I'll PM you the short version.


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## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you Southern Wife and Beach Guy. 
Your posts are helping more people than just yourself so please don't stop unless you feel the need. 
It breaks my heart to hear you talk about your daughter and her responses to the situation. My daughter is pushing 2 and I constantly think about what might be the least damaging age for her to go through this. I frequently tell myself that I can hold out till she's 18 and off to college but now it turns out that we have another one on the way from the one time we had sex since forever. 
I was maybe six or so when my parents divorced and I don't feel like it effected me very negatively but my older siblings however will harbor anger towards my father forever. Also, while I feel fine about my parents divorce, my relationship with my father has never been that close and I never have felt like I can completely be myself around him. Kind of on my best behavior sort of thing. I don't blame him for this, I feel like he really did try hard to spend time with me growing up, kind of a weekly ritual. The problem is that I don't want this to be my relationship with my kids. I want to be as close to them as possible and I just don't see how this is possible once we don't live under the same roof. I can't stand the thought of missing all of the small moments that occur every day. I wouldn't be surprised if I stay in an unhappy sexless marriage for the next 20 years just to be close to my kids.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Not much longer. I've been saying for a few months I would file after the holidays.
> 
> I was sharing this because of the pain I saw in my daughters eyes this weekend.
> 
> Guess I'll just stop posting.


Don't stop posting. This is hard I know. I just hate hearing about people staying miserable for so long that's all.

I'm anxiously awaiting your post telling us that you've met this great woman....


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I'll PM you the short version.


Thanks!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CJK said:


> Thank you Southern Wife and Beach Guy.
> Your posts are helping more people than just yourself so please don't stop unless you feel the need.
> 
> ....... I frequently tell myself that I can hold out till she's 18 and off to college but *now it turns out that we have another one on the way from the one time we had sex since forever. *
> ...


I mean no disrespect here, but please stop having sex with her if you are planning to leave her. Now you have another one on the way.  Won't that make it harder to leave?


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## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

I don't have any plans to leave, these are just thoughts that go through my head when struggling in a sexless/ possibly loveless relationship. I say sexless but really it's probably once or twice a month occurrence which for me feels sexless. I really hope to work things out for the better because I, like BG don't want to do this to my kids but were we without them I think this may be a no brainer. It's been 10 plus years of dealing with this kind of stuff for me as well and while we don't fight all that much we don't really have much in common anymore other than our kids.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

CJK, what brought you two together in the first place?


*BG, sorry to hijack your thread!*


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## CJK (Jan 24, 2013)

We fell in love in High school. Things were sometimes good and sometimes bad for many years before we finally married after a good stretch that made me finally commit despite my hesitance for so many years. The good time continued on to having our first child which I also felt good about moving forward with. Since the birth of our child however things have been too much for us. We both work full time, commute, and I take online classes. Our connection has been completely lost for quite some time. At best we tolerate each other and get a long fine, at worst we hate each other and avoid each other as best we can. All of the small conflicts over the years have just built up to a point of no resolution. Like I said, the sex for me is a big issue since it rarely happens and when it does it's like I have to go to her for a favor which I am so sick of. Once I gave up on being the only one who cared about our sex life, it really began happening almost never. She needs more mental connection to make it happen but I have been unsuccessful at creating this and again grown frustrated at feeling like the only one who makes an effort. She claims to care but her actions tell me otherwise since I could probably count on one hand how many times she has initiated sex in our entire lives. If I tell her how I feel she gets super defensive and it turns into a fight which I will at all costs avoid (especially with a toddler around). So for the past two years it has been like this. I have no plans to leave because my children are my main concern but divorce is always in the back of my head and I feel like it is inevitable some day, I just don't know how long I can hold out like this before it happens. I count every day that I get to live under the same roof as my daughter as a blessing and on the bad days want to be with her more than anything but ironically as far away from my wife as physically possible.


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