# Would you give another day to this relationship? Emotional abuse?



## minosandtails (Oct 15, 2017)

I am trying to understand what I'm dealing with in my relationship who proposed to me over a year ago. We don't have a date yet and there have been many issues.

Many times when we argue, he advances straight to leaving me. And It's extremely painful. I have told him that we both need to stop talking like that when we are mad and we made an agreement that we wouldn't do that again to each other. I never threatened to leave -- BUT there were times where he would say horrible things to me...and I would say "then why are you even with me then? Maybe I should just get out of your life".

Again, I have since stopped this. 

He can't seem to.

This weekend, I became irritated over something as were were walking back to our hotel. We both had a few drinks while out with friends. The night was absolutely fine up until this. He said the "look on my face" triggered him to become infuriated with me and he threatened to leave me right then and there on the street corner. We were walking our dog and he handed me the leash and said ..."here's your dog, I'm out of here!"

Now, this started because he said to me "I'm sick of your fuc*ing face!" And I was stunned. I refused to go up into the hotel with him because I didn't want to be loud arguing. I sat on the street bench and said no....he needs to apologize to me before I go anywhere. He said he was sorry for saying "fuc8ing face" but if I didn't come into the hotel with him RIGHT NOW he was leaving me.

I didn't do it. I started walking around the block and he came chasing me and said "so you want me to leave...?" I said OMG you started this. You insulted my "fuc*ing face" and you said you were leaving me (TAKING THE ONLY CAR WE ARRIVED IN) and leaving me in the hotel! And you were going to send me my things and handed me my dog? HOW DARE YOU?

The fight was just ugly. I eventually went in and cried myself to sleep. But, the next morning he was still upset. As we were driving home (2 hours in the car) he just blasted me with insults.

He said that nothing makes me happy. That I'm all about me... He can't see a way to turn this around... he said "so what are we going to do here?" I said YOU ARE THREATENING THE RELATIONSHIP AGAIN!!!! He said he's not happy. He doesn't think that "I" am happy, he needs to hear that I am. I need to tell him more and show him to make him believe it.

I tried SO hard to stay quiet and when he continued to tell me how bad I am I started to cry and he said he's sick of my crying too. That I'm one big drama...and I can't face TRUTH. I said NO you are MEAN! He said no...it's the truth and the fact that I can't face reality is an alarming problem for him.

He told me that his family has seen me lift my eyebrow at times over things and they are very concerned with my behavior and lack of respect for him. (As you might imagine, they are the type of family where the mother stayed home and kissed his father's ass all day long--baking, laundry etc.)

He said that he feels that I hate his family (I don't -- I just planned his bday party last month with his mother and I don't ever badmouth them!)...that he feels like he is a puppet on my string. 

He makes this statement based on the fact that I have called him out for staring at young women before and on other instances-- I have asked him to take a photo of us down a time or 2 on Facebook because I didn't like the way I looked in it. I think that's NORMAL! 

He said he is "not himself" and he's sick of living like this and everyday is a nightmare. Literally, that made me cry and he got mad that THIS made me cry. Who would be ok hearing that? 

He said that since we have broken up before (and he bad mouthed me to his friends) that most think we are toxic and don't want to hang out with us. He said that no one wants to be around him and he USED to have all these friends...and now, none. I said this is my fault? He said yeah, mostly. He likes to tell me that I'm so awful, but then he will say "do you still want me?" 

THen he said ...so do you want to be with me, because it sure doesn't seem like it. I said "ME?!" I told you I just want you to stop being mean to me...told him his words were weapons at times and he says they are TRUTH and again, I can't handle the truth.

He said he needs me to tell him what's good about him and why I want to be with him. I told him the good... but I was crying and he said ...those tears...are just manipulative game. 

When we got home ...the neighbors were out and we got distracted talking to them for a bit and he completely turned into a nice person again.

This morning, he woke up and asked me if I still love him and that he had horrible dreams that I was leaving him...and he feels "needy" and needs to hear my love for him.

I wanted to tell him that all the **** he told me yesterday is screaming in my brain and I'm terrified....but I knew it would be another fight. 

We went for a walk this morning and he started talking about possibly buying a house together (he mentions this often) and now...I'm just wondering wth to think.

He has been super nice all day and back to normal. He keeps saying "you know I love you....I just get tired of the fighting."

I said I didn't FIGHT. I didn't start the fight! He said it was my face....my expressions. That I shouldn't have become frustrated with him in the first place.

tl/dr I need to know if it appears he is threatening to leave becuase he sees that I'm not happy? (As he claims) and he feels insecure? Or does he just to be done with me and doesn't have the guts to do it.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Nope. This guy doesn't even like you, let alone love you. Why would you want to legally align yourself with someone who treats you like this? You want to marry someone who can show you great care, not someone who acts like this.

You're asking the wrong questions, IMO. He is threatening to leave because he is immature and incapable of care at this time. If he cared whether or not you were happy, you'd have a sober and serious discussion. And he doesn't need to be done with you- in fact, I highly doubt that he is done with you. He is much more likely to keep you around as someone he can blame and unload on. 

In general, people seek their own emotional levels. You ask if he just needs to be done with you, he needs to find the guts to leave, but it's a question to ask yourself as well. Maybe you are outgrowing him!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He threatens to leave is a control tool for him. It's got nothing to do with your happiness or unhappiness and he doesn't want out of the relationship. He wants to control you and these relationships rarely get better and often get worse as time goes on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you are both a bit messed up and not ready for marriage. Maybe its time to call it a day and separate.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

Don't set a date, and don't buy a house. Lots of red flags and emotional issues to work through before you know if you have a future together.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Don't set a wedding date. Don't move in with him, if you aren't already. Don't mingle your finances (buy a house) with him.

You aren't even married, and he is treating you like that. Think about it. Once you have a ring on your finger, and he think he "owns" you, he will be worse. He won't get better once you are married.

Break up with him, and tell him why. Maybe, just maybe, he will realize he ruined the relationship with his behavior, and he will do some work so as not to do it next time with the next girl.


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## minosandtails (Oct 15, 2017)

He doesn?t talk about wedding much and he really does seem to be angry with a lot. That?s why I tend to think he doesn?t necessarily just do this for control. He left me once before but he came back after 6 weeks. 

I just don?t know if he is just about control


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The fact that neither of you appear to be able to see how toxic and abusive this relationship is, is quite scary.

So much drama and turmoil - don't you long for a peaceful life?


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## minosandtails (Oct 15, 2017)

I do feel it. And I do want peace. He says he does too. But it seems he is the one who blows up when I question him or become agitated. And of course he blows up himself many times over things that are unrelated. 

How do I sound like trouble? I want to know in case I could improve it


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If you stay in this relationship one more day its on you. You know in your heart that this is not how a loving relationship works.

Put on your walking boots. Pull up your big girl pants and exit stage right!

Call a friend or close family member and tell them you need a place to stay until you find an apartment .

Please please don't stay with this person.

Best of luck to you. And god bless


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

minosandtails said:


> I do feel it. And I do want peace. He says he does too. But it seems he is the one who blows up when I question him or become agitated. And of course he blows up himself many times over things that are unrelated.
> 
> How do I sound like trouble? I want to know in case I could improve it


I don't think you sound like trouble; you do sound like you might be troubled at this time, though.

There is a book that is often recommended on this website- "Why Does he Do That: Inside the Mind of Angry and Controlling Men." You might want to check it out, it is available on Kindle so you could read it on your phone.

The reason I say that it sounds like you might be troubled at this time is because it is clear that your fella is not a good candidate for marriage, or even a relationship, given his current behaviors. 

Do you want a husband who will care for you? Who wants the best for you? Who will have your back? Who you can count on to be there for you? Who you can trust to handle his emotions- especially if you want kids? Have you seen the picture of the old man who is turned away from his wife and frowning- but still holding an umbrella over the two of them as it rains? That is the kind of man you want. Not the kind of man who gets upset, curses at you, and threatens to leave you alone in a strange place. 

You are not describing a man who is emotionally stable; he is often angry, and when he is angry, he is mean. You cannot count on him to act in your best interest- he will act in his best interests. Do you agree?

If you want a peaceful life, as asked above, then you already know that your guy is not a good candidate. That is really all you would need to know, if you were in a healthier place emotionally. There is no need to figure out any of his motives or reasons or intentions; you'd just wish him well, move on, and look for the man who can be the solid partner you want to build a peaceful, stable life.

But listen- here's the catch. People who spend time with emotionally unstable people often get emotionally unstable themselves. It can take time to see what is going on and to untangle oneself out of the relationship. I have been there; many of the strong, independent, successful women I know have spent some time in one and sometimes multiple relationships with unhealthy, angry, and/or abusive men. 

Sometimes it takes time to realize that what is happening is wrong. I have also been the person who was mean and selfish. The man who broke up with me over it gave me a great gift and started me on the path to at least trying to be come more self-aware. 

You are not married. You do not have children. You have no obligation to him. You can go onto find someone who doesn't blow up on you, or even blow up on himself. He is not a safe bet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

minosandtails said:


> Many times when we argue, he advances straight to leaving me. And It's extremely painful.


I stopped here. This is abuse. He may not MEAN to be abusive, but it's a defense mechanism he uses that IS abusive, and if he doesn't fix it, you will never have a decent, healthy relationship. 

Read this book and tell me if it applies to you guys.

ETA: Ha! I just saw that Rose already requested that you read the same book.

Your answer to whether it applies will determine our advice.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Verbal abuse will soon be physical abuse, you need to walk away while you can.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You can tell she won't do anything to end this mess of a relationship. She'll stay, and when they marry and the relationship start to become brutal, that's when she'll remember everything that was advice to her in this forum.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Walk! There's absolutely no future with such a controlling marital partner!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The loud man.
The quiet man.
The little man.

All live in his house.

The quiet man is good.
He is good but quiet and meek.

The loud man shouts down the quiet man.
He rules the roost.

And then the little man in a moaning, jerky, pulsating voice says, "Settle down or I will go on strike".
Both of the other men shut up. The big man looks beat.

The quiet man zips up their pants.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Why would you want to live in constant turmoil? Your bf is extremely abusive. He creates drama because he likes to emotionally keep you spinning. This type lf abuser has no love or empathy. He will destroy you and make you think it is all your fault. Stop drinking his kool aid. This sicko is not just controling, he displays serious narcissistic tendencies. Run, not just walk away from this crazy, abusive, need to be wanted and admired narc!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rob_1 said:


> You can tell she won't do anything to end this mess of a relationship. She'll stay, and when they marry and the relationship start to become brutal, that's when she'll remember everything that was advice to her in this forum.


Do not talk about posters on here in the 3rd person. It's rude. Direct replies to the OP and be respectful.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

*Warning Signs to Consider*

Minos, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I agree with @RoseAglow that you seem to be describing an emotionally unstable man. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., the emotional instability, verbal abuse, neediness, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, fear of abandonment, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions.

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your fiancé has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your fiancé exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your fiancé's issues. Although it is easy to spot strong BPD symptoms when they occur, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for breast cancer and a heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to walk away or to spend money seeking a professional opinion.

I therefore suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of _18 BPD Warning Signs_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 



> I need to know if it appears he is threatening to leave because he sees that I'm not happy... and he feels insecure? Or does he just to be done with me and doesn't have the guts to do it.


Minos, my vote is for "feels insecure." VERY insecure. BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting strong BPD traits) have a great fear of abandonment. Indeed, that fear is so strong that they frequently see threats of abandonment where they don't even exist -- in minor things you say or do -- or in an unhappy expression on your face. 

My BPDer exW, for example, would get very upset if she saw me walking two steps in front of her on a crowded, narrow sidewalk. Her abandonment fear was so great that it distorted her perception of my intentions, thus mistakenly thinking that I was ashamed to be seen walking alongside her in public. To her, this implied that I must be planning on leaving her.

Hence, if you decide that your fiancé exhibits strong BPD traits, the likely answer to your question is that he suffers from such low self esteem that he mistakenly sees "abandonment" threats when you are only feeling tired or are simply frowning in response to a minor irritation. If so, this would explain why _"__he woke up and asked me if I still love him and said that he had horrible dreams that I was leaving him."_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Rob_1 said:


> You can tell she won't do anything to end this mess of a relationship. She'll stay, and when they marry and the relationship start to become brutal, that's when she'll remember everything that was advice to her in this forum.


Eh, maybe this will happen, maybe not. She is reaching out and asking questions now, before she is married. Several of us posting to her have been in relationships with unstable people and eventually found our way out, some of us before and some of us after marrying the person. 

Personally, it took me four years to finally get out of what had become a very unhealthy relationship. It had been relatively healthy for 3 years; there was a clear point though where an emotionally more stable person would have left, because it was very clear that the odds were stacked against my guy at the time being able to adequately partner with me. It would have been me, doing all the emotional work, trying to manage and control the world so that my guy would be OK. Everything in my life took a hit at that point- my career, my health, my living situation. I loved him, so I wanted to help him- but I failed. It wasn't my problem to solve, as much as I wanted to. Eventually I had to figure out who I valued more, me or him? When I finally realized that he was going to have his issues no matter what I did, and that I was throwing away my chances at the kind of stable, successful, family life I wanted, I finally made it out. 

OP, I think it's great that you are reaching out and seeking information. You are asking whether or not he is emotionally abusive (the answer is Yes, although it might not be his intention); you are noticing that he is often angry. If you keep observing, you will also see that your fella's issues are his to solve. There is little and probably actually nothing that you can do to truly help him. You can encourage him, but he is going to be the one to decide whether he ever wants to improve. 

I hope you keep posting!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Him screaming abuse at you,that’s down to him.
Him saying you hate his family,that’s down to him.
Him threatening to leave,that’s down to him.
Him making you cry,that’s down to him.
You putting up with this behavior.
That’s down to you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do not marry this man, do not stay in a relationship with this man.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

minosandtails said:


> I need to know if it appears he is threatening to leave becuase he sees that I'm not happy? (As he claims) and he feels insecure? Or does he just to be done with me and doesn't have the guts to do it.


I'm sure there are "reasons" why Charles Manson sent people out to murder innocent victims. As far as I'm concerned, I don't care what they are. I'm just glad he's not getting out of prison.

You should be similarly glad that you are just away and apart from this turkey and leave the "reasons" to the shrinks. You just get away and find a decent, moral, upright man to be your husband and have your kids with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Folks, this poster is Weirdo567.

To the OP, you have posted under dozens of names. If your story is real, you are with a seriously abusive man. You need to leave him. But you have no intention of doing that. We cannot help you here. You need professional help. 

Please STOP POSTING ON TAM.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dammit, she gets me every time!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Dammit, she gets me every time!


It was wonderful advice being given... nothing wasted.


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