# Pregnant and having issues



## missy_me (Mar 23, 2012)

Hi ladies,

I want to first say I take my share of the responsibility for this problem. But it's turning into one that is driving me crazy now that I'm pregnant, and it's making me react worse, and it's just a bad cycle I'd like to get straightened out.

I'm pregnant with our first, and my DH and I have always had a great relationship, with minor issues. I love love love him, am in love with him, still plan on being with him forever, all that good stuff. He was in a much different "place" before we met and came from a very dysfunctional family where everyone enabled everyone else's bad behavior. His mom did everything for him and he learned to be lazy. He really came a long way before we got married. Started becoming more responsible for himself as far as owning his actions and behavior, would take well to me asking him to do more around the house to help me, etc. Now, of course, he did the typical male thing where he got a lot better for about 2 weeks and then slowly started declining again, then I'd have to remind him, and it would get better again. Anyway, I have to say I know I've made it worse because in the beginning I really did do everything and I didn't have a problem with it. But it started to get overwhelming, and I would go through periods where I would just blow up because he wasn't helping me. Partially my fault because I wasn't handling it the right way, and it wasn't fair. I know.

So anyway, I'm pregnant, due in 3 months, and I feel myself getting very anxious about the future. His parents were crap parents and didn't teach him much, only smothered him with attention and gave him everything he wanted with no responsibilities. I have found myself over the years having to teach him very basic things like table manners, it's gross to dig in your nose for minutes at a time and then toss it on the floor for me to vacuum, how to properly wash a dish (he wants to just pour soapy water on a dish without scrubbing properly with a sponge), you should brush your teeth in the morning and not just at night- other people don't want to smell your morning breath, don't stuff food in your mouth and then talk to people, etc. I have become less and less tolerant when he still does these things now. Part of it I know is my lack of tolerance, but part of me feels like it's not too much to expect him to wash a dish correctly and not leave crap on it. I don't know what to do. I'm a very thorough person (not to the point of OCD or anything, but I am of the mindset that if you half-a$$ something, you're just wasting time because you'll have to go back and do it again. So you might as well take the time to do it right and efficient the first time) I'm driving myself crazy, and probably him crazy too. Here is what happens: I politely tell him what he is doing and ask if he can [insert proper behavior here]. He says, "oh sorry," and then about 5 minutes later is doing it again, to which I respond by raising my voice and getting super annoyed. It is very important to me that we teach our child good habits and good manners, and I don't want our child's spouse to have to teach our adult child these things because we never did. I know how it feels and I don't want to do that to someone else.

Anyway, I have been very anxious about the future because of these things. It has gotten 32893028902 times worse because I am sitting here thinking about how overwhelmed I will be when we have our baby and I cannot even trust him to wash a bottle correctly to help me out and I'll have to do it all. By the way, I will be working from home and keeping the baby at home. So I will be dealing with a lot. Then I start thinking about how hard it would be to teach a child table manners when their father is not even abiding by the same manners. And my thoughts just keep going on from there.

It all came to a boiling point yesterday when I had to tell him at the table 3 times in a row he was chewing with his mouth open. Mind you, I'm not saying it rude, I usually say something like, 'sweetheart," or "babe.." He then says, "no I wasn't," gets all pouty and when I get annoyed and leave the table because he won't carry a conversation with me, he tells me he's just "really worried about raising a kid with me" because he is worried that I will talk to him like that in front of our kid. Now, I get his point and agree to an extent (I don't think parents should criticize or correct each other in front of the kids) but my point is- "why do you think I'm trying to help you with this NOW before we have a child we are setting an example for?" I don't want to have to say anything to him either, and I know I can't say anything in front of the kid, it would have to be behind closed doors, but it really really upset me and hurt my feelings that he says that about me, yet if he had good manners and if his parents had taught him responsibility like they should have, I wouldn't even have to be having these conversations with him. Like it's my fault that I have to remind him how to wash a dish, not to shovel food down his face at the table, etc. I feel like he should be worried about setting a good example for his kid instead of raising a child with ME.

And just in case this will be a question, I honestly do not remember it being this bad when we were dating. There are a lot of other instances where he was WAY more proactive when he was "courting" me, like doing chores. So, if he was this bad about these other things, I truly did not notice. I am inclined to think he was still trying to "impress" me and doesn't feel like he needs to anymore.

Anyone gone through this while being pregnant and can help? I seriously wanted to hit the ceiling when he said that to me. I actually told him he wasn't the only one that was worried, but my main concern was that our child doesn't learn nasty habits. I feel like he just doesn't want to look "un-manly."


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## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

A lot of change in life .. many of which happen after marriage and children... don't stress.. relax and take things a step or a day at a time... enjoy the day... too much over thinking can sometimes make matters worse...

Men and women through the course of history are and always going to be two seperate species so to speak! Trick is to learn what you can live with and what you can't ... knw what you can change and what you can't...

You are just in the beginning portion... I've been married 20 years and I have still been waiting for many things that he could do better.... 

Patience is truly something we all need when dealing with men... 

Best suggestion.... relax, enjoy YOUR pregnancy... too much stress is not good anyway... for anyone!


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

It sounds to me like you are already raising a child. The dish washing thing made me smile as I remember my own kids learning to wash dishes. If they left too much stuff on the dish I'd save it and tell them that was their dish for the next meal. None of them wanted to eat on a dirty dish and before long they were paying more attention to what they were doing. 
I have to give you credit, you have much more patience with your husband than I could muster. Seems ridiculous to have to teach a grown man when he should brush his teeth and to not dig in his nose and throw it on the floor. I'm sorry, I'm adviceless. I had a direction in mind to go with this at first but it's escaped me.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
I see those kinds of posts a lot on this forum. It looks like a popular way to be for man.
Well, what to do....It looks like you have been trying to be there for him. Like a mother. I'm sure you want to be a wife, not a mother, right?
I understand what you are going through, I went on this path to with my husband. I didn't respond the way to do though, only on some point. I guess I try to let him know what I would like to work on with him. Like the most 5 important thinks for me...Not all of them. There is no such thing is the perfect man like no such think as the perfect woman. 
On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being controlling and 10 being not controlling, where would you situate yourself? 
I'm not judging you. I'm just noticing in your words what is going on. Maybe it would be a good idea to learn to let go on those small details and work on what is more important: goals and dreams.... 
For the other things like help in the cleaning, garbage out and all the blablabla, maybe he needs to understand better how important it his for you to see him participated.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

How is his breathing? Does he have chronic issues with sinuses or stuffy nose? If so, it may be very difficult for him to chew with his mouth closed. People who have nasal obstructions can't breathe and chew mouth closed at the same time. Maybe this is an issue for him?

But if more likely it is just boorishness on his part, there is very little you can do as a spouse. I can tell you that I grew up with a mother who was very well mannered and a father who was not; my mother still managed (with very little effort I think) to teach us manners. When I see my father I am always a bit disturbed by his table manners. But none of it rubbed off on me. So it is definitely possible to teach manners with a boorish father around. 

I love the dirty dish idea of letting him eat off his 'clean' dishes. However, this can backfire if he really doesn't care. He may have a 'it's clean dirt' philosophy and not mind it. Then you have to decide what matters to you: that all the dishes are clean, or that everyone is eating off dishes that are adequately clean to their own standards. 

Speaking as someone who has dated boorish men and who married a very well mannered man, I know that I find it nearly impossible to remain physically attracted to someone without manners. Perhaps if you expressed to your husband gently that you don't feel sexually attracted to him because of his breath, nose-picking, open-mouth-chewing, etc., he might start to care. But it will be an uphill battle.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You need to stop being so controlling. If any of this really mattered to you, you would not have gotten pregnant. Okay fine, you say he hid all this while dating, but it was entirely your decision to get pregnant while dealing with problems like these. By the way, you also need to stop being so judgmental. You have no idea what his parents did or did not teach him since you didn't grow up with him in that same household. If you are telling him the same things a hundred times over, they probably tried their level best also. Why could you not look at it that way instead of heading straight for constantly judging and criticizing his parents for something you know nothing about. It begs the question again, if they are such sad examples of parents, and their son is such a heathen rather than a civilized human being, then why did you get pregnant to bring his child into this world? What does that make you?

See there. Nobody is so perfect and everyone can be harshly judged, including you. And while I'm at it, it makes no sense to keep on talking to and talking at your husband like this. It is a simple matter to relieve him of dish duty so you can clean them yourself, and ask him to do other things like drying and putting the dishes away. If you think about it, you are doing the same things you complain of him doing, which is the same bad habits over and over. It's just that your bad habits are different from his. You keep telling him what to do, what not to do, and how to do it right, but he never does. So, why do you keep telling him? If you didn't keep criticizing him, your feelings won't end up being hurt. How do you think he feels? You will have to do those things yourself and pay no attention to the rest. He is a grown man that you are raising, so that has to tell you something. It sounds like he could be adult ADD that was never diagnosed in childhood. You might talk to him about seeing a doctor, and you talk to the doc about the things you posted here. He will arrange for testing.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Miisy_me. Why did you marry this man that you feel has so many uncorrectable faults and is of no help to you?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Sounds like you are going to be buying lots of baby diapers for the baby and adult diapers for your husband. He is behaving like a child and you are mothering him. No wonder you are worried. 

He needs to learn to be a polite man with good manners or else he will be teaching your child to burp the alphabet and fart on command. I know lots of fathers usually do this anyway (my dad did it, still does it). The booger thing would make me turn into the Hulk and push his face into the carpet.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I know I already mentioned it, but also the nose-picking could be indicative of some kind of respiratory issue. Both nose-picking and chewing with an open mouth sound like a chronic sinus infection to me.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I know how you feel - manners are definitely a big deal to me as well... To the effect that I will leave a restaurant if I hear someone with bad manners nearby... So, I *know* how upsetting this could be. I don't really have any advice, because I don't know how you make someone understand how upsetting the thoughtlessness can be. You said you've tried correcting him, but he reverts back fairly quickly...

Might I suggest baby steps and positive reinforcement? Keep your eye out for the tiniest of improvements, and try not to bring up the "failures" so much? Wish I had better advice... I tend to avoid bad manners like the plague... *hugs*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Sorry to say, but you cannot change him. You chose to marry him (and all his "faults"). You accepted him the way he is, for better or for worse. 

Why not just focus on yourself? He will only change when/if he wants to. Stop playing "mommy" to him and nagging him over his manners, his style of "cleaning", etc. Let it be.


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