# Cheating husband - Now he thinks I'll do it too



## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

33 days since I found out about his affair...

We're working on our marriage. Not an easy task to say the least.

Now I'm confronted by another problem though; he thinks I'll cheat on him. I just don't get it. 

In all the years we've been together, I never strayed. He knows this. I'm not the flirty kind either. All I do is very open, meaning I don't have a passcode on my phone, and he has access to emails, Facebook, and such. I've always been open and honest. 

When I'm texting, he wants to know (and see) with who. I show him immediately. It's either our oldest son who lives abroad, a (female) client of mine or my sister. I might get the odd text from our daughter because she'll be home late, that kind of stuff. 

When I'm on the computer, he wants to know what I'm up to. Ok, I have no problem showing him what I'm doing. Oh! I like to cook so I'm always looking for new recipes. Checking my browsing 'history' must be very boring...

Of course, he doesn't approve of this website. 

We always had a webcam. I use it when I talk to our son on Skype. Now it seems to be a problem... He has access to my Skype account. Only two contacts: him (for when he's away on business, and our son who lives abroad).

Because of my job, my work schedule is all over the place and it can change last minute. I'm in and out of the house many times a day. Sometimes I'll work an extra hour or two. I always text him where I am and when I'll be home. If I swing by the grocery store before coming home, I even tell him. And ask him if he needs anything. I've always been open. Now he questions where I was, why was I delayed, and whom I was with...

*I just don't understand his behavior. Can someone explain this to me please? Is this normal? Shouldn't I be the one having trust issues??! Geez! *

To be honest, I haven't thought about _retaliating_ and cheating on him out of spite. He has nothing to fear. 

Caz


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Caz867 said:


> 33 days since I found out about his affair...
> 
> We're working on our marriage. Not an easy task to say the least.
> 
> ...


He might be transferring his guilt to you. He might fear you will have a revenge affair. 

Couple's counselling with someone who is experienced in cheating in marriage would be helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What sort of affair did he have?

How did you discover it?

Did he blame you for his cheating?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His fear is not unreasonable. A high percentage of betrayed spouses do end up having affairs of their own as a reaction to the original affair. It's generally called a "revenge affair".


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Is he being equally transparent with all of his electronics and emails and social media?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am with Matt and EG, he is threatened by the possiblity that you will have an affair.

As misplaced as it is, I would just continue to be open with all my gadgets. Let him check to his heart content, but I would make sure he is doing the same and much, much more with his gadgets.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Is he being equally transparent with all of his electronics and emails and social media?


:iagree:

Does he allow you free access to his devices like this?

Do you know the details of the affair? Seems like he is projecting what he did with the computer/cell phone/webcam onto you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

His other concerns is that now you know about the cheating and what he has done, you may use the same methods he was (which could include the webcam, texting, etc). He is a cake eater and want to do what he wants without your knowledge or intervention and for you to share him, but wants to know that you are his exclusively and no one else is in the picture. It is a transference, and possibly hope on his part, to project this onto you so he can feel justified in hi cheating or at least be able to throw it in your face that you are no better than him. 

You have never strayed, as you say, but then again he never did either so why wouldn't he feel that you may now as he found the way to do so as well. He is trying to deal with his guilt I bet.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Caz867- Your husband doesn't sound so much to me like he's worried about your fidelity as he is avoiding responsibility for his own betrayal. I think when you said "Reconciliation," he heard "Rug Sweep," and said, yeah, that sounds good.

You aren't the one who cheated. You don't need to reassure him of your fidelity. You don't need to account for your whereabouts to him.

In reading your post, I'm sure your husband feel terrible about having behaved terribly. I bet he'll look you straight in the eye and tell you how terribly he feels, and you're getting a great deal there, because TALK IS CHEAP.

I will also bet that he hasn't suffered any real consequences for his betrayal, other than "feeling bad," which has hurt him so terribly that he is treating things like you're the one who cheated.

May I suggest that YOU take some time alone, a few days? Think about YOU, and what YOU need to feel better about your marriage. What do you need HIM to do, to ensure that you don't have to deal with his wayward affection again?

You seem like a kind, honest person who is in an "opposites attract" kind of relationship. There is a good possibility that what your controlling husband has done is going to sink in over the next few months and result in some tremendous anger and resentment (that's the normal response of an emotionally healthy human being when someone they trust screws them around like this).

I always suggest counseling in situations like this, and in your case I think IC would be good before couples counseling.

And since I fully expect that your narcissist husband will be reading your thread, here, for him I say the following-

She's better than you deserve. Instead of jockeying for position here so that you don't have to act like a man and accept responsibility for your mistakes, you should be kissing her *ss and thanking her for not kicking you to the curb like you so richly deserve.

Have a great day!


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

One part of this conversation that could use a little more focus is that HIS FEAR that you will have an affair is HIS FAULT. Perhaps ask him what he did to cover his own tracks and ask him to look at your behavior in that light. Then ask him to assess his own behavior. Is he doing unto others as he would have done to him?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Normal. You have to remember that they are trying to empathize. As such, they know how they’d react; They’d have an affair since that’s how they ‘solved’ their problem. And now that loyalty and fidelity are out of the picture in your marriage, they can’t figure out why you wouldn’t when it took less for them to do it.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Caz867 said:


> 33 days since I found out about his affair...
> 
> We're working on our marriage. Not an easy task to say the least.
> 
> ...



Ok, this pisses me off right here. You don't engage in suspicious behavior, and because he cheated, he thinks he has some right to be suspicious of you

I tell you what, he SHOULD be worried that you'll cheat. 

If I were you, I wouldn't handle it as well as you have for very long. At some point, and I suggest that you start getting angry, I'd have to turn around and look at him when he starts questioning you and go, "You know what, YOU are the one that cheated you son of a *****, NOT ME! I am faithful and I am getting sick and ****ing tired of you questioning me as if I am the cheating piece of **** in this marriage. KNOCK IT OFF and worry about your own behavior!!! You want to see what I'm up to, fine, have at it. I have nothing to hide. But take a look then shut the **** up about it once you see I'm not like you."

Now some will say to not have a confrontation like that with him, but if you have been calm and collected when putting up with his crap, you need to blow up and show him you have had enough!!


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> His fear is not unreasonable.


No, but his projection of his own despicable behavior onto her and treating her like the criminal in the marriage is unreasonable.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Ok, this pisses me off right here. You don't engage in suspicious behavior, and because he cheated, he thinks he has some right to be suspicious of you
> 
> I tell you what, he SHOULD be worried that you'll cheat.
> 
> ...


This is the crazy part of it...isn't blowing up when accused exactly what a cheater would do? Sure he cheated first but why would the behavior around a revenge affair be different? So the question to answer is...how does someone who hasn't cheated respond to accusations of it? Take his affair out of it for a moment. Respond. Then put his back in and you should expect him to react with the same honesty you did. If you are trying to fix the marriage you should still try to have equality (or re-balance the inequality that exists). Effectively...he has to transfer the effort he put into the affair into having a strong marriage.


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

I'll try to answer a few questions...

I found out by accident, while using his laptop instead of my computer. I was having problems with my computer and needed to reply to a client ASAP. He left his mail account logged in I guess. We both use Gmail. When I realized I was in his mail account, I was about to log off but something caught my attention...

I found out he was having an affair with a young woman in China while on business trip over there. He travels a lot, and not just to China. 

He said she meant nothing and regretted the affair. I can't help but think... what if I hadn't discovered his affair? Would he still be doing it?

Consequences? Well not really. I'm still working, and looking after everything (and everyone!) here at home. He is now helping with the small stuff like dishes, laundry, and we do spend more time together. He used to stay cooped up in his office here at home for hours. Often all week-end, stating he had work to do. Needless to say, maintenance of the house went out the window. I can mow the lawn and I can use the snow blower too but there are things I just can't do around the house. He's been trying to catch up (since I caught him cheating) on all the maintenance he hasn't done for a long while... 

I do have access to everything. He is open. 

I used to live with a _ghost_ but now he's very present, very much into making our marriage work. I guess it's quite an upgrade as far as how our relationship has been in the last few years...

But he does say he strayed because our marriage was in trouble. When he says that, I can't help but feel anger. What about me??! I wasn't exactly happy either but* I* didn't stray. 

He also doesn't want to go to counselling anymore. Yes, his work schedule is crazy but we can work around it. When I want to discuss this further, he gets upset and says I just want to dwell in the past. He wants us to move past this 'bump'. 

I used to work in a (mostly) men environment. I was flirted with all the time. It never even crossed my mind to stray. I have to admit, for more than 20 years, I was in love with my husband and I had what I call _'blinders'_. I only saw him. He was my sun. 

I find it rather insulting he thinks I'll have a revenge affair. I have principles! And I'm worth more than that.

Thank you everyone for your feedback! I appreciate it so much!!

Caz


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to get consequences and marriage counseling ASAP. He'll most likely do it again if he is allowed to "cake eat."

You should feel insulted. Next he'll be saying he cheated because of something you did or didn't do.



> Because of my job, my work schedule is all over the place and it can change last minute. I'm in and out of the house many times a day. Sometimes I'll work an extra hour or two. I always text him where I am and when I'll be home. If I swing by the grocery store before coming home, I even tell him. And ask him if he needs anything. I've always been open. Now he questions where I was, why was I delayed, and whom I was with...


Oh and everything you described that you do, sounds like the exact thing he probably did to cheat in his head. 
You know:
Away from the house.
Missing hours.
Hours on the Computer.
Skype and using the webcam.

Don't let him deflect attention onto you for the crap he has done.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Caz867 said:


> I'll try to answer a few questions...
> 
> I found out by accident, while using his laptop instead of my computer. I was having problems with my computer and needed to reply to a client ASAP. He left his mail account logged in I guess. We both use Gmail. When I realized I was in his mail account, I was about to log off but something caught my attention...
> 
> ...


Does he still think it's okay to stray if a marriage is in trouble? Does he realize now that his cheating is the bigger trouble, and anything that came before it pales in comparison to the trouble he created with his horrible behavior?

He thinks you'll cheat because he doesn't trust himself, so he can't trust anyone else.. That's what happens to people who cheat, they start to doubt people around them. They figure since they lie and are full of crap, and can compartmentalize so easily, that everyone can and does. They convince themselves that it's normal behavior, so they can't comprehend you being honest and faithful.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He travels a lot, he had and affair with an abroad girl you caught BY CHANCE.. therefor he's sued to compartimentalize well, you didn't notice anything wrong.
What are the chances this is the only betrayal?
What is telling you he has not a GF at every port?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

vellocet said:


> No, but his projection of his own despicable behavior onto her and treating her like the criminal in the marriage is unreasonable.


Not really, it's normal. Does a few things for himself; It's a blameshift where it takes the focus off of him. Keeps him in firm control and her on the defensive reacting to him.

So, the way I handled it was just to laugh at her. Tell her she's free to look at my phone all day long; it doesn't 'undo' her actions nor will she find anything to haul me down to her level. And I kept up the "why shouldn't I cheat?" line keeping her thinking about what she brings to the marriage (also remember their default is to typically blame the spouse for why someone would cheat). So you get them running mental loops trying to argue against themselves...

Basically, their reasons for cheating are probably being blamed on you (the excuse). Now that you have a valid excuse, they will try to argue how you are responsible for your own choices and shouldn't cheat... Which just counterpoints their own reasons. All you need to do is throw their own foggy reasoning back in their face about why you should go out and bang others. Make them start wondering why you wouldn't rather than adamantly trying to make them feel secure; You just say "I'm not", but don't justify. Start spinning their hamster wheel and using their playbook against them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Caz867 said:


> *Cheating husband - Now he thinks I'll do it too*
> 
> Now I'm confronted by another problem though; he thinks I'll cheat on him. *I just don't get it.*


It's very common. In fact, it'd be weirder if he didn't.

It's part of the Script.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> This is the crazy part of it...isn't blowing up when accused exactly what a cheater would do? Sure he cheated first but why would the behavior around a revenge affair be different? So the question to answer is...how does someone who hasn't cheated respond to accusations of it?


Thing is, she hasn't responded with anger yet. She has maintained composure. Sooner or later she has to stand up to him and get angry while reminding him there is no behavior by her that would indicate she is up to no good and he can look at whatever he wants to and find out for himself anytime he wants to. Because obviously the calm route isn't doing it here. It just shows him that he can question her as if she is the criminal here and she won't do anything but comply.

Here is something else to ponder about his behavior. My x-wife treated me in a similar fashion, unreasonably treating me as if I somehow had cheated, to justify her own behavior.
I didn't know she was cheating at the time, but she treated me the same way OPs husband is treating her because she was cheating.

So I'm wondering if he is still cheating, or wanting to again.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Racer said:


> Not really, it's normal. Does a few things for himself; It's a blameshift where it takes the focus off of him. Keeps him in firm control and her on the defensive reacting to him.
> 
> So, the way I handled it was just to laugh at her. Tell her she's free to look at my phone all day long; it doesn't 'undo' her actions nor will she find anything to haul me down to her level. And I kept up the "why shouldn't I cheat?" line keeping her thinking about what she brings to the marriage (also remember their default is to typically blame the spouse for why someone would cheat). So you get them running mental loops trying to argue against themselves...
> 
> Basically, their reasons for cheating are probably being blamed on you (the excuse). Now that you have a valid excuse, they will try to argue how you are responsible for your own choices and shouldn't cheat... Which just counterpoints their own reasons. All you need to do is throw their own foggy reasoning back in their face about why you should go out and bang others. Make them start wondering why you wouldn't rather than adamantly trying to make them feel secure; You just say "I'm not", but don't justify. Start spinning their hamster wheel and using their playbook against them.


Dead on once again. I also used similar techniques but boy, racer mastered his skills.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Racer said:


> Not really, it's normal.


I know its probably normal for him to feel that way. What I am saying is that his treatment of her as if she is doing something wrong is unreasonable.




> So, the way I handled it was just to laugh at her. Tell her she's free to look at my phone all day long; it doesn't 'undo' her actions nor will she find anything to haul me down to her level. And I kept up the "why shouldn't I cheat?" line keeping her thinking about what she brings to the marriage (also remember their default is to typically blame the spouse for why someone would cheat). So you get them running mental loops trying to argue against themselves...


So did that stop her from wanting to know what you were up to all the time? Because I can see that only making it worse, especially "why shouldn't I cheat?"
Not that I wouldn't say the same thing to a cheating spouse, but in the context of getting them to stop harassing you with projected behaviors, I would think that would only make it worse.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hmmm if you just caught him accidently and he travels alot, don't be surprised if there are other women and that this isn't his first affair. 

That would also explain his paranoia about YOU cheating.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Racer said:


> Not really, it's normal. Does a few things for himself; It's a blameshift where it takes the focus off of him. Keeps him in firm control and her on the defensive reacting to him.


You guys realize you are talking past each other right? Something can be normal and unreasonable at the same time, they are not mutually exclusive. 

Is it normal to blame shift? Sure.
Is it unreasonable? Sure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As long as he has you talking about how you are not cheating in response to his affair, the two of you are not talking about his affair. 

Capiche?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He's grasping at straws hoping to uncover anything untoward that you may possibly be doing. In his mind, it will then give him a get out of jail free card and wipes away any and all of his past present and future bad behavior.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tell you husband that you had never thought of having affairs even though men have hit upon you through the years. Ask him what you should do now. Does he want an open marriage?

China has loads of prostitution and easy sex.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sorry but you sound co-dependent and an enabler. He should be kissing your feet for not D'ing him, not act controlling.

The fear of an RA is part of the consequences he has to pay for his A (the one you know about, dollars to donuts it wasn't his first).

He's the one that broke the trust, not you. Stop re-assuring him so much because once he feels like you will never leave/cheat no matter what he does you will be opening yourself up to more As in the future. People cheat because the think they can get away with it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Tell him you will never get past his cheating, if you do not talk about it.

He should be an open book. Has he written a timeline of all his affairs for you? 

He should have it done in a few days after you request the written timeline.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OP, my ex was cheating on me and so he just assumed I would be doing the same thing (even before he knew that I knew.)

Here is what I learned. The need to know who you're in contact with and where you are at all times, and where you are going to be, and when, has to do with them knowing where they can be and get away with what they are going to do.

And, while we are busy and occupied with defending ourselves, we forgot to be concerned about the fact that the wayward spouse should be telling us where they are and what they are doing, and when we can expect them back, and please could they be transparent. 

It's all more of the same. He's just using the situation that he created where he violated trust, to keep you occupied and accountable so that he knows when he will be able to be free. 

Don't fall for it, and don't feel you need to change your habits to keep him happy and "secure." My ex had issues, namely control issues, but he was also very clever, so I fell for the "but I am honest, why are you now suspicious of me?" ploy for a few months, and it was horrible. Hopefully you can just laugh it off and tell him to get real, you're not going to change your habits or be any more accountable than you have been just because he has issues he created for himself by cheating.

For me, it was all so ridiculous (this and more) than I left the marriage. It wasn't any place for a human being. Like you, I don't have a set schedule, and wasn't going to change my work habits and home-making habits and parenting habits and lose flexibility when doing common day to day errands just because he needed to know where I was (and when I was going to be home...so he could blame the perfume smell on the bed on a babysitter having been there patting the kitty...we all know who was on the bed, and with what *****! :rofl

Anyhow, I feel that you are "thinking too hard" about this, looking for higher psychological reasons of why he is badgering you about your whereabouts. The truth may be far more simple, now that he's been caught, he needs more information in order to play. Namely, where you are and when you'll be back, or how much room/space he has for his own activities while you cannot be tracking him.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> OP, my ex was cheating on me and so he just assumed I would be doing the same thing (even before he knew that I knew.)
> 
> Here is what I learned. The need to know who you're in contact with and where you are at all times, and where you are going to be, and when, has to do with them knowing where they can be and get away with what they are going to do.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Lots of great points. Your WH is playing from the script.

It was noted that you are not showing anger. I was very similar for a few months. Eventually the unfairness and awfulness of his actions will weigh on you.

As you piece the "why" together, remind yourself that he is NOT cut of the same cloth as you. He is very likely a cheater of a deeper magnitude. You found the tip of his iceberg.

His game will include making you into the villain if/when you decide to divorce. Par for the course.

I hope you have exposed him for your benefit. It is a shield for the truth as he re-writes your marital history.

God bless.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think it's a project of guilt. I know when my x was leaving and she was trying to justify her cheating she literally said the words... Haven't you ever wanted to cheat? Come on you must have done it at least once..... I'm certain she wanted desperately to be relieved of her quilt of doing wrong but all I could leave her with is "not everyone is like you....some of us take vows seriously."

OP you have an upper hand in this relationship because he broke the vows and you are forgiving and moving on. He will have to deal with that for the rest of his life. I would advise him that cheating was his problem and any insecurities he has is his issue and not yours so don't bring it up again. Don't let him pull you down to that level.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Lovemytruck said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Lots of great points. Your WH is playing from the script.
> 
> ...


I had constructive ways of dealing with anger.
Such as, he was deployed in Kuwait (and yes, believed to be involved with a few soldiers, one of whom tried to befriend me on FB :rofl and my social worker told me I was okay to stop working as was stressed (and had allergies which were exacerbated by stress) and focus on me, and my kids. I ended up not only exposing him and his nitwit other women (that's plural) but also in order to show what a great guy he was (to everyone else he wanted to pursue) he gave me his post-9/11 benefits before we divorced. I took that to the bank, as well as some money I transferred from joint account that an attorney told me I would be due in a divorce. I moved out one day before he was due to return from deployment, but his commander (who was aware of all the issues) called me and said he was coming back a day before he told me he was. So I was gone before he came back. What's more, we had a short trial reconciliation during which he agreed to a vasectomy. He started in on more of his tactics, which included being "suicidal" and me being "abusive" towards him. I said for his own sake and health if I was causing him so much grief he should leave, after all he had a big house he owned all to himself, and abusive little me had just a small rented apartment. He said, oh, we are just no meant for each other and maybe we should get a divorce. I said, well, I was trying to and you wanted to try again. But now you can leave, you tried and it's not for you.

There is no anger. I find the whole thing ridiculously hilarious and walked away with money in the bank. He scoffed at counseling, I went and it was great. I found out just how abusive and controlling he was. I also decided that he was a lot smarter than me when it comes to knowing how people work and how to take advantage of them using their strengths as their greatest weaknesses. As a military person, I think he is of great value to our country in that respect, as he has no emotional attachment or sympathy for his targets. He is equally misogynistic as well as racist and capitalist to the extreme. 

The OW all ended up with major issues...one had emergency heart surgery, the other was so upset at being exposed that she lost her full time job, apparently their view of the world crumbled when they realized I was not cheating on him as he had told them I was, in order to get their sympathy. 

OP, what you think you have before you in the way of your husband may be an entirely different thing that what you have been seeing.

Your intelligence in trying to "understand" him may be far too complex! 

God has nothing to do with this, this has to do with deceit, manipulation, misogyny and other control issues of a human being, and whether another human being can see that she has been sleeping with the devil.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think chances are good this wasn't his first/only affair. Sure, he's probably projecting, and maybe hoping to catch you in an affair of your own. But it's also possible he's keeping close tabs on you to make sure you don't stumble across any of his other affairs or start monitoring him without his being aware of it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

vellocet said:


> So did that stop her from wanting to know what you were up to all the time? Because I can see that only making it worse, especially "why shouldn't I cheat?"
> Not that I wouldn't say the same thing to a cheating spouse, but in the context of getting them to stop harassing you with projected behaviors, I would think that would only make it worse.


You are correct… they want to start following you around and keeping tabs. That works for you on multiple fronts:

They are spending a lot of time with you and seeing how you are. So they know you are hurting and have to face that. So much easier to ignore or devalue if they avoid you. If there is any love left, it will hurt them seeing you this way and knowing they caused it. You will see loving and caring actions to try and take away some of your hurt.
They see what you are up to, your support network. And if they read your email, they’ll see what you really think of them without the filter. Gets them thinking and defending themselves. Now you are in the driver seat and they are reacting to you versus visa-versa (helps you mentally get out of that victim mode)
They are spending time with you; Bonding opportunities that otherwise might be spent with the OP.
The important one though: You are on their mind constantly. It’s not themselves, it’s not the OP, it’s you they are thinking about and ‘adultery’ in a bad context versus ‘fun’. That isn’t a bad thing.
And another; They see they are a choice. There is no ‘logical’ reason for you to stay faithful after this, so it is purely an emotional decision. With the right seeding, you can plant that idea that how you see them and they make you feel is the only reason you might not cheat.

The downside. They will harass even more. So? If you aren’t doing anything wrong… that shouldn’t bug you. It can’t get much worse.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

It's called projection. He is transferring his values on you. It is what HE would do in this situation if reversed. 

It also transfers responsibility on you. It is HE who needs to report to you all his time away from YOU. 

He needs to earn your trust and not control yours. He has a lot to do, and has not yet started earning his way back to you. The old relationship is gone forever because of him. It is you that decides if he comes back and under what conditions.

Don't let him control this issue. HE IS the issue...!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Caz867 said:


> 33 days since I found out about his affair...
> 
> We're working on our marriage. Not an easy task to say the least.
> 
> Now I'm confronted by another problem though; he thinks I'll cheat on him. I just don't get it.


Caz, this is nothing more than MANIPULATION and REDIRECTION.

He's going on the offensive so that you're so busy defending yourself that you have no time to take HIM to task. We've seen it all before. Do NOT let him turn this around on you so that you stop holding HIM accountable.

Has he handed over all his electronics and passwords so you can verify he stopped? Informed you where he is at all times? Stopped hanging out with other people until you feel safe? Given you a timeline of his affair? Written the OW and No Contact letter that you sent FOR him?


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

*Wow! ....*

Wow! I'm overwhelmed with all your replies. I tried to read everything and ponder your comments but I must admit, I'll have to read them again. 

More about me. I don't like confrontation. If upset, I try not to get angry. I don't like the yelling and screaming. I try to think and rationalize. I don't hit below the belt. Ever. I can speak my mind (and do! I'm a Frenchie Canuck after all ) but never in an impolite, disrespectful way. 


I come from a very dysfunctional family. I don't know how I survived past childhood but I did. I'm told I'm laid back, patient, and kind. True. I love people. And I don't want to drag the kids into this either. Kids (2) are young adults by the way but they don't deserve to be thrown into the mix and suffer. 

I forgot who said I was perhaps an enabler. I'm sorry I forgot your name. Yes, perhaps I am. I trusted blindly. I'll have to ponder this some more... 

Thank you again. You've given me food for thought. 

Caz


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

*He said it was his only affair...*

... He said it was his only affair but I doubt it. Now that I know he cheated, some things make more sense. The way he was. The things he did. And the things he didn't do! Stuff he said. In light of what I know, those all add up to -c-h-e-a-t-i-n-g-. He said I'm just paranoid. Am I? I don't think so. I can put 2 and 2 together. I might not be the type to rip his eyes out in a fit of rage... but I sure can add up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They all say you're paranoid. And controlling. And messed up. And caused it all.

Ignore every word coming out of his mouth until HE is begging YOU for forgiveness. Until then, he's just sorry he got caught.

You may want to rethink why you are there.

And you don't have to be aggressive to stand your ground. Just calm, collected, silent, and NOT PUTTING UP WITH HORSESH*T.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

*Re: He said it was his only affair...*



Caz867 said:


> He said I'm just paranoid. Am I? I don't think so. I can put 2 and 2 together. I might not be the type to rip his eyes out in a fit of rage... but I sure can add up.


Of course you are. You also didn't give him enough sex, were a bad partner, didn't communicate enough, support him, gave too much attention to the children or make enough money. Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, from another recent summary thread, he thought you were cheating so that made it okay.

Do not let him blames shift because that isn't how reconciliation works.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Caz

Hold his feet to the fire.

Because if you don't he will just find someone else to cheat with again.

WHy?

Because he will think he is smarter than you and can get away with it.....

Sadly, it is human nature for some people.

Do you still think he is the sun in your life?

If he is truly dissatisfied with the marriage make him do the work to find out why he feels that way.

Have you both been tested for STD's???

HM


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Do you still think he is the sun in your life?


No



happyman64 said:


> Have you both been tested for STD's???


Yes we did. Both are clear.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Caz867 said:


> Yes we did. Both are clear.


Good. You guys need marriage counseling and he needs consequences. As turnera stated, communication doesn't have to be a confrontation. You can still be "nice" while having a serious discussion on boundaries, marriage, blame and the work HE NEEDS TO DO.

It's okay for you husband to feel paranoid, but it is NOT okay for him to project his inadequacies, deficiencies and mistakes on to your actions.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I see a double standard here. He wants to know everything you're doing on your multimedia devices. On the surface, it appears that he's being open to you by letting you see his stuff; however, he refuses to talk about the past and to admit whether there were more girls, i.e. calling you paranoid. 

If he calls you paranoid again, I'd respond with the truth: "I can't trust anything about you since you NEVER admitted to the affair. I had to find out about it on my own. I have every right to question you about this affair that I know about AND to hunt for any additional affairs that you may have had in the past. You have proven yourself to be a liar, and you have robbed me of my time by making me feel as if I was married to a ghost."

I'd also tell him "You have no right to question me about what I'm doing. YOU are the cheater - not me. I reserve the right to have an affair of my own if I wish to. Right now, I don't care to have an affair. However, if you don't show me true remorse and work your ASS off to make this up to me - even though there is nothing you can do to undo this affair - I will start dating someone else."

If you can, make him take a polygraph to see how many other affairs he had while traveling for business.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Racer said:


> You are correct… they want to start following you around and keeping tabs. That works for you on multiple fronts:
> 
> They are spending a lot of time with you and seeing how you are. So they know you are hurting and have to face that. So much easier to ignore or devalue if they avoid you. If there is any love left, it will hurt them seeing you this way and knowing they caused it. You will see loving and caring actions to try and take away some of your hurt.
> They see what you are up to, your support network. And if they read your email, they’ll see what you really think of them without the filter. Gets them thinking and defending themselves. Now you are in the driver seat and they are reacting to you versus visa-versa (helps you mentally get out of that victim mode)
> ...


This is assuming that they are emotionally normal.
It can be a big assumption, depending on who you are dealing with.


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

From what I understand from your comments, he could be projecting his own guilt, he could be blame shifting, it could be manipulation, redirection, he could be making sure I don't stumble across any of his other affairs... 

That all makes sense. Thank you! I never thought of that. To be honest, I haven't been my old self since DDay, 34 days ago. But who's counting? :banghead:

Today it's my first day of 180. I think it will be a good thing... 

Thanks!

Caz


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also spend some time thinking about what your boundaries should be.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Caz867 said:


> From what I understand from your comments, he could be projecting his own guilt, he could be blame shifting, it could be manipulation, redirection, he could be making sure I don't stumble across any of his other affairs...
> 
> That all makes sense. Thank you! I never thought of that. *To be honest, I haven't been my old self since DDay*, 34 days ago. But who's counting? :banghead:
> 
> ...


It was good to read your post. I bolded a significant point.

A betrayal changes you. It forces us to re-evaluate everything we have thought was true. It makes us look at humanity differently. It makes us question our beliefs, our relationships, and our purpose.

Do the 180 for YOU. Rebuild your life in a new style. Be more honest with yourself and your expectations of others. Value the worth of you and those who share your integrity.

As you move forward, you can become stronger. The cheating spouse often appears to have the upper-hand, but it is often temporary. When you are emotionally stronger, you will be holding all of the cards.

Your decision to reconcile (R) or divorce (D) may become your next challenge. Both choices are tough. I believe D is often easier. There is no time limit. Part of his hell will be wondering what you will do. He is obviously worried about your state of mind by making accusations and controlling you. His fear of you cheating will eat at him, especially if you continue with the 180.

Over the next few weeks/months try to evaluate your sense of what is best for your future. Try to make choices based on your new knowledge instead of letting fear rule you. Tell yourself that your decision is based on YOUR best interest.

Life is short and precious. Wasting time with a spouse not up to your standard can be a big regret.

Just some thoughts to ponder. Hope you continue to progress and feel better.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

There was another phenonemon that happened after I discovered and broke up my wife's affair in 2012. I became a "hot commodity". As word leaked out about what happened, quite a few women started showing "interest" that I may become available and single. Of course my wife saw this. In fact, one women, a high school teacher, who many consider very attractive and is 26 years younger than me (I'm 58 but look way younger- - she is 32), calls me periodically to get together (assuming I'm now available or should be available) or just "hang out" at her place. Of course I decline each and every time, and I do not hide that fact from my wife who needs to be reminded that my life is an open book and if POSOM ever contacts her again, she needs to be equally forthcoming about it. But the point is, yes, my wife periodically mentions that she is now concerned that I will someday look for someone else.


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

Lewmin, I guess a cheater will realize, at some point, that their spouse can do the same? Or that their spouse is attractive to OTHER people? 

It's getting ridiculous really. Yesterday he noticed I painted my toe nails. Weather has finally warmed up and I'm wearing sandals again. I always paint my toe nails in the summer time...!! So what's the problem now? Geez! 

Day 2 of this 180 thingie. Not sure it's a great plan...


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

Lovemytruck said:


> Do the 180 for YOU. Rebuild your life in a new style. Be more honest with yourself and your expectations of others. Value the worth of you and those who share your integrity.


I've always been independent and self reliable. In the last few years I have made a point in investing more time in my friendships. I've started volunteer work a few years ago too and have done a lot more in that department in the last two years. I love it. I love to be involved in my community.

What is different now with this 180 thingie... I am not cooking his dinner before going out with my girlfriends anymore. He's much capable to fend for himself once in a while. I won't be late for work anymore because he decided last minute his shirt was creased a bit and it needed ironing. His next business trips, he will have to pack his suitcase himself. Upon his return, if he doesn't unpack well his dirty clothes will remain in the suitcase. Mom-in-law is legally blind. I help her a lot. He can do stuff and errands for her too instead of watching TV when we visit. I'm doing so much for him (everything really) but I'm not anymore. It's about time I wake up. I'm his wife. Not his mother.

I've been an idiot for way too long...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Caz867 said:


> I've always been independent and self reliable. In the last few years I have made a point in investing more time in my friendships. I've started volunteer work a few years ago too and have done a lot more in that department in the last two years. I love it. I love to be involved in my community.
> 
> What is different now with this 180 thingie... I am not cooking his dinner before going out with my girlfriends anymore. He's much capable to fend for himself once in a while. I won't be late for work anymore because he decided last minute his shirt was creased a bit and it needed ironing. His next business trips, he will have to pack his suitcase himself. Upon his return, if he doesn't unpack well his dirty clothes will remain in the suitcase. Mom-in-law is legally blind. I help her a lot. He can do stuff and errands for her too instead of watching TV when we visit. I'm doing so much for him (everything really) but I'm not anymore. It's about time I wake up. I'm his wife. Not his mother.
> 
> I've been an idiot for way too long...


Yes, it's 'good stuff'. Just remember though, the 180 is about you and your healing. Doing things you want to do.

If you can, you need to stop dwelling on how it is affecting your husband. That's just sort of a ramification that he'll get 'less' when you focus on yourself and his issue to figure out.

Got a kick out of painting your nails btw. When he goes off on it, instead of getting angry, you will get to that point where it's just kind of sad they are like that. You'll pity him eventually for grasping so desperately for straws to try and drag you down.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Caz867 said:


> Upon his return, if he doesn't unpack well his dirty clothes will remain in the suitcase.
> 
> I've been an idiot for way too long...


:rofl:

BOY, does that hit a nerve! I can't tell you how often I've done just that - left his suitcase sitting in the middle of the kitchen where he leaves it. I eventually usually do empty it - 2 or 3 months later. 

But I'll tell you, and I'm sure you know...the real answer here is not to LEAVE it there, but to tell him to empty it.

And you're not an idiot - you just dealt with things the way you thought you were supposed to. Now you know better.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You are only an idiot if you don't learn from your mistakes. So far, you appear to be learning very well.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I'll probably draw fire for this, but here goes.

He should be worried. I hope it eats him up imagining his betrayed wife being pleasured by another man.


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