# What Can be done



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

I honestly don't know what to do in this situation.

In June of 2014 I had found out my wife was having a two month affair. I told her affairs was a deal breaker for me. but after two weeks of begging, crying, and blowing up my phone from her I caved in and finally got back with her just to find out in August the affair didn't even end just taken underground. So I said for sure I was done now and the same begging,crying, and blowing up my phone happened again. She even made a scene at my job. This went on til November until she tried to commit suicide! She OD and her AP was the one who found her. she apparently sent him a text about how he was the reason her life was ruined, and why she lost everything she cares about, how my life and everyone else lives would be better with her gone (all of our friends turned their backs on her, including her parents). 

So he got worried after she wouldn't pick up and went to our house where he found her unconscious. So the moment I found out what she done I went to visit her. Well long story short after some talking we got back together(I know stupid right, but I really did love her). now this is where I have a problem. Now over a year after that incident, I feel sick with myself still. I feel I have betrayed my own morals by staying with her, but feel it's to late to leave her. I would of left her earlier on but was in fear of what she would do again.

She has done everything right once we got back together. She only goes to three places now really church, work, and the store. She wanted to go to MC but I don't believe counseling works. She treats me as the number one person in her life(well she did as we just had our first child). She doesn't hide anything from me and always makes sure to tell me when she's going out and what time she will be back, I tried dishing out the worst words I could think of to hurt her and she may cry sometimes but usually she just takes it says sorry. So it's not a problem with her but me, how she is now I find it hard to be mad at her except when I think about the affair.

I only can think about her with the other man and how much of a punk I must be to take her back. I feel my male friends think of me as beta since I did so(they always tell me how they couldn't do it and would of left their wives if that happen). I at times can deal with her and even feel like we can sometimes go back to how it was,maybe better but then other times I hate her and feel trap. The sex with her seems to have gotten better, amazing even but after we're done I hate it just because I be having thoughts about how the OP was doing the same to her. So here we are, I'm sure she thinks everything is alright definitely since my daughter was born just two weeks ago. I hardly bring the affair up now and I continue to smile around her, but I want to leave her. Is this something that passes with time or should I just leave now? I know with our daughter being born she won't try to commit suicide again but then at the same time I feel like I would be the ******* who lead her on just to dump her after having my kid. Plus I feel maybe it's best to keep going so my kid can grow up with us as a family.

Sorry for the long story and if it was to confusing


----------



## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

You should go to marital counseling. Did she get counseling after her suicide attempt? Did she have emotional issues before all of this?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, you caught your wife in an affair about a year-and-a-half ago, it went on for months after that, and she's just given birth...? You might want to DNA that kid.

Second, I wouldn't worry about what your buddies are saying, because I can tell you from experience that no one really knows what they'd do -- no matter how loudly anyone tells you otherwise -- upon discovering his or her spouse's infidelity.

Who is OM? Neighbor? Friend? Co-worker? Boss?

Has your wife committed to 100% no contact w/ him going forward?

What steps have been taken to mitigate the chances that she'll have any sort of contact w/ him? New phone number(s) and e-mail address(es)? Has OM been unfriended/blocked on social media, along w/ any toxic/potentially toxic friends? New job?

More later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

yes, She has been dealing with depression since she was a kid and had been going to counseling when I met her(I should took that as a warning now that I think about it). She had stopped going about a year and a half before her affair telling me it wasn't of need anymore. And yeah she set her self some appointment after I told her the only we would get back together was if she started dealing with her problems. Her Cousnler is the one before as she said she's comfortable with him. As for me going , by what I've heard and read MC just seems to make up excuse for people and take their money.


----------



## jigga114 (Mar 15, 2015)

Sorry you are in pain OP. I think you need to get yourself into therapy to help you work through some of these issues. What your wife did was terrible and of course it caused a lot of emotional trauma for you. That pain you feel is very feel and must not let to fester. Bottling it up only causes problems in the future. In regards to your friends, I hope they don't rub your nose in what happened. If they do, then get better friends. Your friends are meant to be your support system. Yeah, they should have given you their honest advice when you were undecided and looking for their advice. However, once you made your decision, I feel they should support you, and if they have nothing good to say, they should keep their opinions to themselves. Good luck.


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> First, you caught your wife in an affair about a year-and-a-half ago, it went on for months after that, and she's just given birth...? You might want to DNA that kid.
> 
> Second, I wouldn't worry about what your buddies are saying, because I can tell you from experience that no one really knows what they'd do -- no matter how loudly anyone tells you otherwise -- upon discovering his or her spouse's infidelity.
> 
> ...


naw the kids mine, for one her AP was white while we are both dark-skin people. Two and to answer your other questions she has been in NC with him after the suicide incident (trust me I've checked so I could have a reason to leave). She changed her number and I still checked our phone bill often and who she made calls to. If it was a number or name I didn't know I would take it upon myself to call it , I let her keep her email but checked it very often, and she deleted all her social media(well I let her make a new IG). She makes sure to check in with me definitely when she goes somewhere that's not church or work, and always comes home before 11. So I don't doubt that she's in NC and the kid isn't mine (but who knows I can't watch her 24/7). 

As for the friends well they all mostly sided with me when they found out, it was really only her best friend who knew and I can understand why she didn't tell me. Me her friend has always kept a distance between us since early on in the relationship my wife thought that I had a thing for her. So I made it my job to avoid her and just keep it at hi and bye. 


Oh and the OM was a guy who lives around the block from us he's in her running group in the morning. And yes she stop running with that group,and instead she just bought a treadmill so that way I couldn't accuse her of meeting him if she went out running or meeting him at the gym. (Her words)


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Did you think having a baby would maybe make you want to be with her more? or did she have the baby to make sure you would not leave? 

You say you do not believe in marriage counseling, so have you tried individual counseling? Do you talk to your wife about how you feel? 

Sometimes a person no matter how hard they try, can not get over being cheated on. If you feel that you have done everything to get past her having an affair, and you just can't move past it then the best thing for you both is to be honest with her and tell her that.


----------



## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

You really should try marriage counselling.

Caring so much about what others think is kind of a beta thing to do. It takes a lot of strength to forgive and rebuild a relationship after an affair, leaving would be easier and require a lot less. 

Don't base your decision on anyone other than yourself, your kid and your spouse. Don't worry about losing face, think about whether you can trust her, what will make you happy and how you want to live your life.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The time to have dumped her has passed. By having a child together you've signaled that you've forgiven her and are moving forward together. The old marriage is dead. You now have a new family. 

I know the mind movies are hell. You need to get busy making new memories together. If you're dwelling on the past marriage betrayals, you can't enjoy your new family. If you're not mentally present with wife and kid, that can be recipe for a loveless marriage that could lead to straying by either partner.

Understandably your self esteem has taken a beating. Work on being the best man possible to increase your self confidence. Your wife can be a remorseful open book but that alone won't heal the emotional scars. As a man, you must help yourself. Your family needs a strong, self-confident man to lead it. 

Eventually your wife will feel she's earned more trust and will want more freedom of movement. You have to become the rock of a man that she doesn't want to stray from.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Here said:


> naw the kids mine, for one her AP was white while we are both dark-skin people.
> 
> )


It's really difficult to tell what kinds of recessive genes people may be carrying from generations ago, but 
say that, for the sake of argument, mom is mostly black and dad is mostly white. This means that even 
though mom is black, she has some white genes, and even though dad is white, he has some black 
genes. 

These are the (grossly oversimplified) possible outcomes:

1.Kid inherits all of mom's "white" genes and some of dad's "white" genes and is white. (Less likely)

2.Kid inherits some of mom's "black" genes and all of dad's "black" genes and is black. (Less likely)

3.Kid inherits some of mom's "black" genes and some of dad's "white" genes and is mixed/intermediate. (More likely)

So it's definitely possible to have a white kid, but it's more likely that the kid will be in between: lighter than mom and darker than dad.

GET the D.N.A. as Gus advised


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Getting counselling is weak!

Only a wimp would go to a doctor if he had a broken arm!

Yeah! Just strap it up with a piece of wood and some rope! It'll be OK!

Counselling is not for the weak.

And what good are "morals" if there's a risk that you could blow up your life and the life of your wife and family?

Yeah. You would, technically speaking, be "right". In the same way as you would be right to use a pedestrian crossing even though a car was running the lights.

You'd be right. But you'd still be as dead as a smelt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

*Re: What Can be done?*



Lostme said:


> Did you think having a baby would maybe make you want to be with her more? or did she have the baby to make sure you would not leave?
> 
> You say you do not believe in marriage counseling, so have you tried individual counseling? Do you talk to your wife about how you feel?
> 
> Sometimes a person no matter how hard they try, can not get over being cheated on. If you feel that you have done everything to get past her having an affair, and you just can't move past it then the best thing for you both is to be honest with her and tell her that.


Well a mixture of both I guess. I've been wanting kids and she hasn't, she would always say to wait. So then one night while having sex I asked again, she paused for a moment but said yes. Now I do feel bad about this part since I knew I could take advantage of the situation, plus now even though I'm happy we have her and love my daughter dearly, thanks to my choice I've brought her into a messed up family. As you said though I did think a kid was what Our relationship was missing and if we had one she wouldn't had strayed. 

Does Talking to your pastor count as IC? If so then yeah he has been a big help in keeping me spiritually grounded. He was one of the other factors why I took her back. And i don't know if you can call it talking As I was mostly yelling, cussing, or calling her names and all she would really say was she was sorry and would try to make up for it. Then in her trimester I just stop, I felt me yelling and telling her wasnt helping as we always ended back up on my he same note. Plus getting mad and arguing with a pregnant woman anywhere is never a good sight. So now I've pretty much kept these feelings to myself, and didn't even tell my pastor because I feel he will answer like a MC and their answer will always be to try and work through it. I have no problem with someone telling me that as long as they have been through this situation, and knows how it feels.


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Getting counselling is weak!
> 
> Only a wimp would go to a doctor if he had a broken arm!
> 
> ...


Wait when did I ever say anything about counseling being for the weak? I did say I feel MC will just make excuses for our problems and take our money, but never said it was for the weak. I believe counseling is for whoever thinks they need it,I'm just not one of those few. 

as for morals I'm strong believer in them. I cant blow this family up worst then she already has can I?


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I know you're against counseling, but honestly, maybe that's really what you need. To help you sort out what you're feeling. I don't think you're going to get anywhere trying to sort it out on your own or you wouldn't be here.

And if you start with one and feel it isn't going anywhere, you can stop and go to another until you find one that fits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

jsmart said:


> The time to have dumped her has passed. By having a child together you've signaled that you've forgiven her and are moving forward together. The old marriage is dead. You now have a new family.
> 
> I know the mind movies are hell. You need to get busy making new memories together. If you're dwelling on the past marriage betrayals, you can't enjoy your new family. If you're not mentally present with wife and kid, that can be recipe for a loveless marriage that could lead to straying by either partner.
> 
> ...


Thank you I will take this into deep consideration


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Matt just said that as a sorta joke H.

MC can works if you get one that deals with infidelity.

As for recovery, it takes anywhere from 3 to 5 years.

But, here's the thing. You have to WANT it and the marriage.
In fact, your old marriage died.
You guys are starting to build a new one, so treat as such.

And please remember, if they are REAL friends, they understand.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here said:


> Wait when did I ever say anything about counseling being for the weak? I did say I feel MC will just make excuses for our problems and take our money, but never said it was for the weak. I believe counseling is for whoever thinks they need it,I'm just not one of those few.
> 
> as for morals I'm strong believer in them. I cant blow this family up worst then she already has can I?


That was the message I got from your post.

If that's not what you feel then I apologise. 

And when are you going to arrange MC? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed would she have been so forgiving
and accepting as you have been with this humiliating and disrespecting behavior? If you do not
respect yourself then who will?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Calling her names, manipulating her into having a child, being cold and rude is not "so forgiving and accepting" 

OP- if you can't move past it then you should leave, no one deserves punishment like that and you're not being a good husband or father just because you stick it out. Recovery isn't for everyone, there's nothing wrong with choosing to R or choosing to not R. 
There is something wrong with choosing to R and then punishing your wife, calling her names. That's all on you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why do you think it is too late to divorce her?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Why do you think it is too late to divorce her?


Too late for a divorce on the grounds of adultery.

Not on other grounds, however should this prove necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Here said:


> naw the kids mine, for one her AP was white while we are both dark-skin people.


Want to know what you get when two dark-skinned people have a baby?

Generally speaking, you get a dark-skinned baby.

Want to know what you get when a dark-skinned person and a fair-skinned person have a baby?

You get a baby whose complexion falls anywhere within the pretty wide range of fair-skinned-to-dark-skinned.

If the color of the child's skin is your sole basis for determining paternity, you may want to rethink your decision to forego an actual DNA-based paternity test.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Calling her names, manipulating her into having a child, being cold and rude is not "so forgiving and accepting"
> 
> OP- if you can't move past it then you should leave, no one deserves punishment like that and you're not being a good husband or father just because you stick it out. Recovery isn't for everyone, there's nothing wrong with choosing to R or choosing to not R.
> There is something wrong with choosing to R and then punishing your wife, calling her names. That's all on you.


Very, very true.


----------



## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Here- she sounds like she is doing everything possible to earn your trust back and show you her remorse-even having a baby..

Go to IC and MC. You need to examine why that isn't enough for you. Do you need more time to heal? Do you still have your doubts about her love for you? Is it a deal breaker for you that you will never be able to move past?

As you will understand from reading many threads on here you will see each individual follows their own path. Some BS know that is a deal breaker and move on right away without regrets, some try to work on R but find after awhile they just can't move past the A and leave, some wish they had the opportunity to move past and forgive but their spouse has moved on with the AP, some see the WS do the heavy lifting and its enough to give them hope and they build a new marriage. 

Sorry for your pain.


----------



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You took her back without settling or framing in your own mind the terms in which you would let the betrayal go. If you see her as having done everything right, its on you to figure out if you can change, or let her go. 

Therapy and counseling does work to make things better and it probably is not what you think it is. Mental health has a bad name in our culture. This is a shame because a lot of people suffer needlessly. People who go in for therapy are thought of as weak or flawed in some but thats all BS. A therapist will reflect on what you want to accomplish and through their experience and proven techniques that can change behavior, thoughts, and even feelings, they will show you a few paths that might get you there. That is about all there is too it. Think of it as guided self-help. If you really want to stay with your wife, get individual and marriage counseling. You could probably get by on once a month for six months on IC yet more intense joint counseling until you feel you making progress.

Edit: OH, and this comes from a BS whos own reconciliation failed, so believe I understand the feelings you are going through. Only I did set boundaries for R that where only met about 50%.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

*Re: What Can be done?*



Here said:


> Well a mixture of both I guess. I've been wanting kids and she hasn't, she would always say to wait. So then one night while having sex I asked again, she paused for a moment but said yes. Now I do feel bad about this part since I knew I could take advantage of the situation, plus now even though I'm happy we have her and love my daughter dearly, thanks to my choice I've brought her into a messed up family. As you said though I did think a kid was what Our relationship was missing and if we had one she wouldn't had strayed.
> 
> Does Talking to your pastor count as IC? If so then yeah he has been a big help in keeping me spiritually grounded. He was one of the other factors why I took her back. And i don't know if you can call it talking As I was mostly yelling, cussing, or calling her names and all she would really say was she was sorry and would try to make up for it. Then in her trimester I just stop, I felt me yelling and telling her wasnt helping as we always ended back up on my he same note. Plus getting mad and arguing with a pregnant woman anywhere is never a good sight. So now I've pretty much kept these feelings to myself, and didn't even tell my pastor because I feel he will answer like a MC and their answer will always be to try and work through it. I have no problem with someone telling me that as long as they have been through this situation, and knows how it feels.


A lot of us here have been through it, and will be here to offer suggestions. Like all people are different so are marriages, only you know how much you can handle and what you will put up with. I'm glad to hear that you have been talking to someone that is outside of your marriage other than friends, as they can be bias.

I did not stay with my cheating spouse, but then he did more then cheat on me. It is my choice to never stay with anyone that cheats or hits me. There are no exceptions to my rule, there are just too many people in this world for me to have to live unhappy.

But there are some that have tried to work it out some succeed and some don't, the effort will have to come from both people not just one. She has seemed to be very transparent with you since you discovered the affair, which is a very good thing.

Do your friends have anything to do with how you are feeling? as in saying they would never stay with a cheater, to be honest until you are in that boat it is hard for anyone to say what they will do. 

Just because you now have a child,does not mean you have to live an unhappy life with someone that has betrayed you. But if you decide to move on, make sure that you have giving it your very best shot on getting past her affair. This will help with some of the guilt you will probably feel if you end up telling her it just is not going to work, and you will honestly be able to tell her that you tried your best to get past it.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think a big reason you haven't moved past it is because you didn't come back completely of your own free will.

The suicide attempt strong armed you back, so everything is about her and her pain and you haven't been able to do what you need to recover. 

Even her texts to OM are all about her and blame him for everything .... she took no responsibility for anything. 

I bet if you even bring it up in an attempt to heal she'll go nuts because she's selfish and everything is about her. 

Go to mc and bring up the fact that she strong armed you into coming back.....if you can ever get her to deal with that you might be able to move on. 

Otherwise it's up to up to decide if you can live with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: What Can be done?*



Here said:


> Does Talking to your pastor count as IC? If so then yeah he has been a big help in keeping me spiritually grounded. He was one of the other factors why I took her back. And i don't know if you can call it talking As I was mostly yelling, cussing, or calling her names and all she would really say was she was sorry and would try to make up for it. Then in her trimester I just stop, I felt me yelling and telling her wasnt helping as we always ended back up on my he same note. Plus getting mad and arguing with a pregnant woman anywhere is never a good sight. So now I've pretty much kept these feelings to myself, and didn't even tell my pastor because I feel he will answer like a MC and their answer will always be to try and work through it. I have no problem with someone telling me that as long as they have been through this situation, and knows how it feels.


Talking to a pastor is not the same as MC. 

Statistically about 56% of couples recover their marriage after infidelity. But for those who go to MC, it's about 75%. That's a big difference.

If you have a MC who is making excuses, then change to a new MC.

It takes a betrayed spouse (BS) about 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. The mind movies you are having are normal. They will fade with time.

It would also most likely help the two of you if you were to get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Get her to read the books with you and do the work they say to do. It will restructure your marriage in a way that makes it very strong.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: What Can be done?*



EleGirl said:


> Talking to a pastor is not the same as MC.
> 
> Statistically about 56% of couples recover their marriage after infidelity. But for those who go to MC, it's about 75%. That's a big difference.
> 
> ...


Your stats are way off from what I have been able to find. What is your source?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: What Can be done?*



EleGirl said:


> Talking to a pastor is not the same as MC.
> 
> Statistically about 56% of couples recover their marriage after infidelity. But for those who go to MC, it's about 75%. That's a big difference.
> 
> ...


Unless, of course, the pastor also has qualifications in counselling? Some do, as it helps them work with their parishioners.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree that you should get counseling, but also think you should file for divorce. You're not serving a prison sentence & don't have to commit yourself to a life of unhappiness.


----------



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

You're living a different life now. You're a FATHER, a family. Having children changes you in so many ways. Try to enjoy & cherish these times. Time goes fast & whatever happens you will regret not being fully present & committed to your little girl in the future. 

I'm a bs in recovery & it's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through. I've analyzed everything! Every word, every action & OMG every email between them I could find. I truly wish I'd never read those words but I desperately needed to know everything. 

I feel like it hasn't really done me much good. All the books, articles etc distracted me for a while (Maybe I'm too raw & they will help more in the future) but I can't say they've really helped me at this point. What I've realized is, for me, it all comes back to WHY? 

Why did he do this to me? How could he do this? I describe myself as stuck between being very, very angry & terminally sad, heart broken. He can't answer my question without it sounding like excuses though. What could he say to heal me? 

Why did he do it? Because he could! Because he was selfish. Because he was going through 'stuff' (midlife crisis?). Because he thought I'd never know. Because it tickled his ego & made him feel good. Because, because, because....

Nothing he says is ever going to be good enough! He's stolen my love story, shattered my core, turned me into a jaded, sad, bitter person that I don't like very much....

It's the resentment that's toxic & I don't think that once those neural pathways are set we can change them without help. You're a family now. Who that little person grows to be is greatly dependent on you. How you treat her Mum will set her blue-print for relationships.


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

bryanp said:


> I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed would she have been so forgiving
> and accepting as you have been with this humiliating and disrespecting behavior? If you do not
> respect yourself then who will?


. I don't know. As people have said your reaction can be different then what you thought originally. I for sure thought I would leave anyone who cheated on me , but two D days later look at where Im at now. So I can't say for sure what she would of done but I can tell you she is a very very jealous women. She would be the kid who doesn't want anyone touching her toys but yet wants to play with other toys. And what I mean by that is she would blow up if I showed any other girl some attention, like even if I called a actress (someone I will never see probably) fine or beautiful she would turn the tv off and go upstairs and not talk to me for the whole day. She made multiple jokes about how if she ever caught me cheating she wouldn't have a choice but to cut my middle area off! 15 years back a little before we started dating but was talking about it she went NC on me for 3 weeks, dang near a month for friendly flirting with another female. I had to literally wait outside one of her classes just to talk to her and say sorry. 

And these are just a little bit of what I've dealt with over the years. I can recall her jealousy during the periods of her affairs. But when it came to her if I got mad that she was going out to parties dress a certain way or I didn't like a male friend. Then that's when it became I was just being overly jealous or something, telling me I was just a worrywart or being unnecessarily worried for no reason. And granted she would eventually go change or keep her distance from them after a argument, but would throw a fit like a little girl and deny me sex whenever I tried. So yeah I don't know but sorry for the rant it was longer then I expected.


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Calling her names, manipulating her into having a child, being cold and rude is not "so forgiving and accepting"
> 
> OP- if you can't move past it then you should leave, no one deserves punishment like that and you're not being a good husband or father just because you stick it out. Recovery isn't for everyone, there's nothing wrong with choosing to R or choosing to not R.
> There is something wrong with choosing to R and then punishing your wife, calling her names. That's all on you.


You're right it's not forgiving or accepting and back then I wasn't trying to be but now I am. Was some of the thing I called her or how i treated her acceptable ? No, maybe not. would I take them back or change them? No! Because Back then that's how I felt and rightful so in my opinion. The only thing I know I'm 100% wrong for doing was calling her out her name I front of my in laws. But besides that everything else I don't regret. I am trying to fix things so if I tried it now I would be in the wrong. 

And as for my daughter yes I do feel a little bad about how I went about that, but in the long run I feel it worked out for the best. my wife loves her more then I do(if that's even possible) now I can't find a moment when she isn't glued to our daughter. In these 15 years together I doubt I ever seen my wife happier, she smiles a lot more around the house and jokes about how she has two babies who will be fighting over her attention pretty soon. So my daughter is the best thing to happen to us. 

But you're right that R isn't for everyone because despite all these obvious great changes I still can't bring myself to forgive or let go. I'm thinking it may be because we're not that long out, but I feel deep down that this is something I will never let my self live down if I let it go having virtually no consequences.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Here said:


> . I don't know. As people have said your reaction can be different then what you thought originally. I for sure thought I would leave anyone who cheated on me , but two D days later look at where Im at now. So I can't say for sure what she would of done but I can tell you she is a very very jealous women. She would be the kid who doesn't want anyone touching her toys but yet wants to play with other toys. And what I mean by that is she would blow up if I showed any other girl some attention, like even if I called a actress (someone I will never see probably) fine or beautiful she would turn the tv off and go upstairs and not talk to me for the whole day. She made multiple jokes about how if she ever caught me cheating she wouldn't have a choice but to cut my middle area off! 15 years back a little before we started dating but was talking about it she went NC on me for 3 weeks, dang near a month for friendly flirting with another female. I had to literally wait outside one of her classes just to talk to her and say sorry.
> 
> And these are just a little bit of what I've dealt with over the years. I can recall her jealousy during the periods of her affairs. But when it came to her if I got mad that she was going out to parties dress a certain way or I didn't like a male friend. Then that's when it became I was just being overly jealous or something, telling me I was just a worrywart or being unnecessarily worried for no reason. And granted she would eventually go change or keep her distance from them after a argument, but would throw a fit like a little girl and deny me sex whenever I tried. So yeah I don't know but sorry for the rant it was longer then I expected.




This was no rant!

This post is the whole basis for why you are here in this forum in the first place.

Sorry brother you just picked the wrong girl

May I suggest you print out your last 2 post and pin them to your frig.

That way when you go to look for another chick you don't make the same dumb mistake.Seriously just let her go.


Maybe she gets her shyt together and you guys can coparent in a healthy way who knows ...down the road she gets her shyt together and you guys get back together.

BUT FOR NOW....JUST LET HER GO!!!!!


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

BrokenLady said:


> You're living a different life now. You're a FATHER, a family. Having children changes you in so many ways. Try to enjoy & cherish these times. Time goes fast & whatever happens you will regret not being fully present & committed to your little girl in the future.
> 
> I'm a bs in recovery & it's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through. I've analyzed everything! Every word, every action & OMG every email between them I could find. I truly wish I'd never read those words but I desperately needed to know everything.
> 
> ...


I wish you could give out multiple likes to a post as this is how I feel. It just seems like no matter how good she is it will never be good enough. She took our love , destroyed it and now wants to fix it but like broken glass it can never be fully put back together as pieces will always be missing. And don't start me on the mind movies. I didn't get to read their messages but she told me all the unfiltered details. And I get sick to my stomach just imagining it. Her why was that she was in a bad place in her life and he would always be there smiling and being kind to her so she clung to that. Why she never came and talked to me before cheating I'll never know and apparently she doesn't have a answer for that either.

But that aside I always plan to do the best thing for my daughter. No matter what it requires.


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

*Re: What Can be done?*



Lostme said:


> A lot of us here have been through it, and will be here to offer suggestions. Like all people are different so are marriages, only you know how much you can handle and what you will put up with. I'm glad to hear that you have been talking to someone that is outside of your marriage other than friends, as they can be bias.
> 
> I did not stay with my cheating spouse, but then he did more then cheat on me. It is my choice to never stay with anyone that cheats or hits me. There are no exceptions to my rule, there are just too many people in this world for me to have to live unhappy.
> 
> ...


 Oh yeah I agree a man or a women should never put their hands on their spouse. 

yeah I guess my friends opinion matter a little to me I mean some I've been friends with since high school. So they may have a bit affluence on me. 

And I know I shouldn't just stay for my kid. But I really do want my daughter to grow up living in a home with both her parents. My mom and dad lived apart most of my life and I know how much it sucked for me. Plus once we was about to get back together I did promise my wife as long as she tried her best to get better and fight for the marriage I would do the same.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to visit a lawyer discreetly and find out your rights. The fact that she has attempted suicide before could play in your favour with any custody hearing.

Dont worry too much with what your mates say. I have seen two of my friends say they would Divorce in a heart beat if their girlfriends wives cheated on them yet both stayed when they found some pretty increiminating messages on their phones.

You owe it to yourself to be happy. Perhaps some marriage or individual counselling would be of some benefit. If you still cant get passed this then this is where the lawyers advice become very valuable.


----------



## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but I hope that you'll find what you're looking for, there are plenty of genuine and well intended people on TAM, sometimes they use 2x4's but it's (almost)always for the purpose of preventing you from making the same mistakes they did. Before I give my thoughts on your situation I do have a few questions that I'd like to ask you. Please feel free to ignore any questions that you're not comfortable answering. 


1) You said that her parents and friends abandoned her, since you've been reconciling has this changed, are they still not on speaking terms? Did her parents and friends abandon you as well or did they support you through this?

2) You mentioned that she goes to church now, does this overlap into her "normal" life? By that, I mean is she truly a changed woman, reading her bible a lot at home, praying 24/7, treating others with gentleness etc. or does she simply go to church and behave pretty much the same way she did before?

3) You mentioned that you and your wife are "dark skinned" and her affair partner was white. Did this fact affect the way you viewed her affair? Is it possible that this is a part of why you find yourself unable to truly heal from her affair? Did she just happen to wind up with an affair partner of another race, or was this something that was sought out? I know that some people don't like to talk about this aspect of an affair, but I think it's pretty common for it to be yet another barrier in reconciliation. It's not that him being the same race would make it easy on you, there would always be something different about the affair partner to focus on and compare yourself to, but I think it's possible and completely understandable for the racial differences to be an extra hindrance here as I'm sure it is with many others in similar situations. 

4) You said that you no longer believe that she would attempt to commit suicide due to her now being a mother. Have you talked with her recently about her past suicidal behavior or is this the elephant in the room? 


Now I'd like to make a few observations about your situation and possibly offer some very vague advice about potentially seeking a divorce(vague because I'm no expert nor am I a divorce lawyer) which is exactly who I would advise you to seek counsel with before making any life altering decisions BTW.

One other poster touched on a particular aspect of your situation and it's something I think is very important. The fact that she basically "won" you back by attempting suicide is a pretty big detail here IMO. I think it's extremely likely that you have some amount of resentment toward her for that(and who could blame you?) I won't claim to know her heart, maybe she was truly ready to end it all, or maybe it was just a tactic. I really don't know, but regardless I could definitely see myself feeling resentful at the possibility of having been manipulated back into a marriage that I wanted to end if I were in your shoes. So I don't think you should feel guilty about that, if this is something you're struggling with. 

I also don't agree with those inferring that because you took her back and had a child with her you're now basically obligated to stay with her indefinitely(barring an additional affair.) You're a professing Christian I take it? So you presumably already know what the bible says about adultery being an acceptable reason for divorce and as far as I know there's no time limit listed in there. You said your pastor was a large part of the reason you took her back, that's pretty much the norm nowadays. Most pastors rarely ever encourage a person to get a divorce, even if the cheater were a serial adulteress and had another man's child in her womb, you'd still be hard pressed to find a pastor who would advise against reconciling. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've heard a man claim that his pastor advised him to even consider getting a divorce due to his wife's adultery. I have some theories on why that it is, but that's another topic. 

Now having said all of that, I will give you some things to mull over about the potential issues you might face if you do decide to get a divorce. BTW my concerns in this are not for her benefit, she cheated on you repeatedly and even put you through a false reconciliation at first, so I personally don't really care about what's best for her at this point, at least not if it's gonna come at your expense. If you do go through with a divorce, keep in mind that she will almost certainly be legally entitled to some of your income for at least the next several years of your life, possibly for all of your life depending on where you live(lifetime alimony is a thing for some reason.) 

Also please understand that while she's currently in happy wife/mommy mode, that doesn't guarantee she will remain that way if you hand her divorce papers. Plenty of women who've cheated on their husbands somehow(beyond comprehension) see themselves as scorned victims once the marriage is coming to an end and the courts tend to lean heavily in their favor. So you don't want to go into a divorce scenario with unrealistic expectations that she's gonna play fair with you cause there's always a possibility that she will do yet another 180 turn in her behavior toward you. 

The last thing I'm gonna touch on may sound a little harsh, but I just want to be honest with you and not blow any smoke up your a**, as they say. You talked multiple times about how your friends might view you taking her back and you've made it clear that this is somewhat important to you. While I wouldn't advise somebody to decide between one life altering decision or another based solely on what their friends(or even their family for that matter) might think of them, I do acknowledge that we are all (at least somewhat)beholden to how others view us. Some people act as though they couldn't care less what anybody thinks of them, but each of us(barring the severally mentally ill) care at least a little bit about how people see us.

Now obviously I don't know your friends personally, but assuming they are fairly normal everyday people I think it's safe to say that while they likely have some variations in their feelings about your situation and your reaction to it, the overall view of your decision is probably not one which could be considered favorable. Most people(men and women) tend to think less of a man who takes back a cheating woman and assuming they are aware of her putting you through a false reconciliation or even the racial difference of the OM, there's an even higher probability IMO that their opinions are not positive of your decision to reconcile. Now I want to stress that this doesn't necessarily mean that they bear any ill will toward you, they could still love you and care about you, yet also feel bad for you and fear that you'll get hurt again. I've personally found, from speaking to a plethora of people about this subject, that most people tend to view a BH in reconciliation with either pity or derision(sometimes even both) and I've never personally heard a BH receive praise behind their back for staying, except by other betrayed spouses on forums like this one. 

My experiences may not be universal and the people around me may be just a bunch of jerks, but that's what I've always come across whenever the subject has come up in "real" life. I think the best way for you to analyze what their most likely thoughts are(other than outright asking them and hoping they're being honest with you) is to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you would have reacted(before your wife's affair that is) to them choosing to stay with an adulteress. Would it have been pity, derision, praise or something else? Whatever you decide to do, I hope that both you and your child will get through this and also that your wife will choose to continue working on herself and keep building up healthy boundaries so she doesn't find herself risking everything for nothing ever again. Sorry for this being a dissertation BTW.


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

Kobold said:


> I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but I hope that you'll find what you're looking for, there are plenty of genuine and well intended people on TAM, sometimes they use 2x4's but it's (almost)always for the purpose of preventing you from making the same mistakes they did. Before I give my thoughts on your situation I do have a few questions that I'd like to ask you. Please feel free to ignore any questions that you're not comfortable answering.
> 
> 
> 1) You said that her parents and friends abandoned her, since you've been reconciling has this changed, are they still not on speaking terms? Did her parents and friends abandon you as well or did they support you through this?
> ...


I'll try to answer each one as best as I can

1. A) her relationship with our friends is still complicated as none of the guys really want to be bothered with her which effects how much the wives may act. Like the wives of the group if just alone with her they will all have a great time talking like nothing change but if around the husbands I've notice how they will talk to her but seems to hold back more. Does that make sense? As for her parents, after her suicide attempt the cold shoulder went out the door. B) with me our friends was very supportive. During the splits they would allow me to stay with them, they took me out to little gathering or to eat to keep me busy, a few even said they would introduce me to their sister in law or siblings if I wanted. So yeah they did little nice things like that, so I appreciate them for it. Her parents on the other hand was a different story. Yeah they gave her the cold shoulder but it's not like they just called me up and checked on me a lot, it was like instead of choosing a side they just decided to stay out of it completely and keep to themselves. 

2)well I have to admit I have seen a lot of changes, if it's because of church I don't know but they are there. Her jealousy and passive aggression seems to have been dial down greatly. She smiles a lot more and jokes. She started back up cooking. She doesn't read her bible often, I'll catch her every blue moon. But now she prays before bed every night even got me into the habit.and she has always treated others nice so I can't say if she is being more gentle or not.

3) did OM race affect how I viewed the affair? Hmmmmm well maybe a little I guess. I mean when I first found out I kept asking why and why did he have to be white out of all the things. So yeah I guess it must of bother me to some extent but after the second Dday I really didn't care all that matter was he was a guy who put his middle part in my wife. 

4) it would be the elephant in the room. I did try to talk to her about it before but she amazingly deflected the question, only thing I got out of her is that she promised to never do something so foolish again. After that I've pretty much left the subject alone, and the reason I believe she won't try it now with our daughter being here is simply because she loves our little girl too much to attempt something so selfish. (Or at least I hope)


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here said:


> Now over a year after that incident, I feel sick with myself still. I feel I have betrayed my own morals by staying with her, but feel it's to late to leave her.
> 
> I would of left her earlier on but was in fear of what she would do again.
> 
> She wanted to go to MC but I don't believe counseling works.


This is a time in your life where you need to open your eyes to what OTHER people know, and trust that you don't own the 'truth' on whether counseling works. It does. Millions and millions of people receive help from it all over the world. These people go to grad school for years and years to become the most knowledgeable people on the planet to be able to help someone in your situation.

You want out of your pain? Go to a professional for it.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

You said OM is living in your block and I hope your wife have zero contact with him.

Also you need to find yourself a therapist. It will help you a lot trust me.

Wife refuses to talk about suicide which is bad thing,and she was seeing therapist for depresion. You need to talk about it.

About your thoughts right now : did you ever got full story from your wife ? Why she went back to Affair after you caught her first time ?

Your wife said it is to early for children but she suddenly went for it. Maybe this way she thought she will keep you in her life. How about you ? Are you both good parents,because no matter what this baby is going to need to for a long time.

One more thing-are you staying in marriage cus of children or do you really want to work this out ?


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my friend.
> 
> You said OM is living in your block and I hope your wife have zero contact with him.
> 
> ...


 well I kept a pretty close watch on her so I believe she has. Of course I still worry a little since I can't watch her 24/7 but overall I think she's sticking to it.

I'll look into a MC.

Yeah I'll try. 

Yeah she told me. She told me all the details, no matter how bad. And she said she didn't know her self why she went back the second time but she just couldn't stop her self. She just felt she needed to see him and would feel uneasy if she didn't.

Oh yeah of course we're both good parents. She's a great mother, a natural if I say so my self. 

Well a lot is for my daughter sake. But also I have seen how much she has changed and is putting forward to make this work, so it's kinda like I'm rooting for it to work. I just can't see myself getting past this though.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Get a divorce and be happy.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The OM's race has no bearing. He's a buttwipe and a creep. 

If you do anything else in this miserable business, fix your bigotry.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Here
> But you're right that R isn't for everyone because despite all these obvious great changes *I still can't bring myself to forgive* or let go. I'm thinking it may be because we're not that long out, but I feel deep down that this is something I will never let myself live down *if I let it go having virtually no consequence*s.


You indicated that now your wife is doing just about everything right. You even said that she has gotten a LOT better with her jealousness.

*If you do not forgive then you will carry resentment like a cancer.* 

Forgiveness is such an in depth thing for each person and has many facets but *I can tell you that forgiveness will relieve YOU of resentments and hatred.* You felt hat you have been treated very unfair and you have; in fact you have been hurt in one of the most damaging ways. You did not deserve her betrayal and that can seem to justify revenge.

You felt hat you must give her consequences because now you feel that she has no consequences. *What kind of consequences are you talking about? *


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

Mr Blunt said:


> You indicated that now your wife is doing just about everything right. You even said that she has gotten a LOT better with her jealousness.
> 
> *If you do not forgive then you will carry resentment like a cancer.*
> 
> ...


 I don't really know but something. I feel I've let her basically get off Scot-free, both times. I have Contemplated 
Cheating on her a couple of times and letting her see how painful it is to have the person you love cheat on you while you think you're both happy, but then I realize that was just being spiteful. Then I've seen how some people divorce and start over. They both split and start dating like it's their first time. I would of done this but then I thought about how it would be a waste of money to divorce if we got back together and I doubt this would of effected her much. So idk but I want some type of consequences.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Here said:


> I don't really know but something. *I feel I've let her basically get off Scot-free, both times.* I have Contemplated
> Cheating on her a couple of times and letting her see how painful it is to have the person you love cheat on you while you think you're both happy, but then I realize that was just being spiteful. *Then I've seen how some people divorce and start over. They both split and start dating like it's their first time. I would of done this but then I thought about how it would be a waste of money to divorce if we got back together and I doubt this would of effected her much.* So idk but I want some type of consequences.


She did get off scot-free, which is why you have this inner angst that won't go away. That's why it's always a mistake for a husband to rug sweep and go straight R with a wife involved in a PA. Especially in your case where you forgave her through I bet a lot of anguish, yet she took it underground to continue being this guys free prostitute. 

The best thing would have been to divorce. You could have later dated and maybe gotten remarried. But that ship has sailed. 

If you're not able to get past it, you can divorce and co-parent. Or you can try a separation to get your head straight. But with POS still in the area, I'm afraid she would be in his bed before your side of the bed gets cold.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Phone screwed up again.

You should divorce.

If you stay, MC and IC for both of you is a given.

Your reasons for either need to be your own.

No outside influences either way.

God bless and best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> You felt hat you must give her consequences because now you feel that she has no consequences. What kind of consequences are you talking about?
> 
> I don't really know but something. I feel I've let her basically get off Scot-free, both times. I have Contemplated *Cheating on he*r a couple of times and letting her see how painful it is to have the person you love cheat on you while you think you're both happy, but then I realize that was just being spiteful. Then I've seen how some people *divorce *and start over. They both split and start dating like it's their first time. I would of done this but then I thought about how it would be a waste of money to divorce if we got back together and I doubt this would of affected her much. So idk but I want some type of consequences.


Your ideas about consequences (Cheating on her and divorce) seem to be based on resentments and revenge. I do not agree with you that she has not had any consequences. Your words reprinted below are why I make that statement.



> *By HERE*
> she tried to commit suicide!
> So he got worried after she wouldn't pick up and went to our house where he found her unconscious
> (all of our friends turned their backs on her, including her parents).
> ...



I am not saying that the above are all the consequences that she should endure but she has suffered some consequences already. If you want my suggestion for added consequences then here it is. Have her sign a legal document (post-nup?) that would protect you from you having to give her half of what you have earned in the event of divorce or another affair.

You are too concerned over how others view you. The others (friends) that you are so concerned about will not be the main people in your life in 10-15 years from now. Friends are good to have but they usually will not come close to loving you the way that a good family member will. 

And you feel that you have been shyt on and you have. However, a strong man will forgive for his own benefit and possible others even though he was treated so unfairly.* Forgiveness has more to do with giving a gift than justice. *You have not gotten very far in your forgiveness IMO. You are hurt deeply and your hurt is dominating you most of the time. Take the right actions and this will get better.

I would suggest that you stop wondering how you can give your wife consequences based on resentments and revenge and start building yourself up in every way that you can.* That means build yourself up in body, mind, emotions, and spiritually.* Get yourself so that you can make a good life for yourself with her or without her. That is a tall order but it can be done. I am not talking about being a complete Island but *becoming self-sufficient enough that the hurts cannot destroy you or control you*.

Forgivenesness is essential for you so that YOU can get better. Forgiveness is you releasing the resentments and anger for yourself but also contains accountability on how others relate to you.
Do NOT allow your focus on revenge consequences as that will add fuel to your fire. Instead set boundaries and accountability and work on you becoming improved in all areas. This will serve you well in either case of R or Divorce.

Your wife, if she is a good woman, will suffer for what she did within herself and in other ways without you adding your revenge.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here said:


> I don't really know but something. I feel I've let her basically get off Scot-free, both times. I have Contemplated
> Cheating on her a couple of times and letting her see how painful it is to have the person you love cheat on you while you think you're both happy, but then I realize that was just being spiteful. Then I've seen how some people divorce and start over. They both split and start dating like it's their first time. I would of done this but then I thought about how it would be a waste of money to divorce if we got back together and I doubt this would of effected her much. So idk but I want some type of consequences.


And a revenge affair can hurt YOU more than it hurts your WS. And I have been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you are miserable, you are miserable. That's a good enough excuse to leave.

However I think giving MC a shot is the right thing to do. It could turn your feelings around or it can at least give you peace of mind that you tried, for your sake and the sake of your baby.

Assuming that the baby is yours. But don't assume.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And a revenge affair can hurt YOU more than it hurts your WS. And I have been there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you mind elaborating on that? I mean how did it hurt you more?


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

Today I sat down with my wife and had a pretty great talk. I told her how I truly felt about everything. How I felt her suicide attempt was a trap she used on me, how I felt she got off to easy and thought about going out to cheat on her. And how i couldn't really forgive her and haven't been happy for a while now. It Was the first time I seen her cry that hard in a while. Well long story after us talking I've set a appointment next week for a MC.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Not everyone does well in counseling. One called my wife a fvcking ***** ****. And another said I deserved to be on the receiving end of the affair because I was working long hours and did not support her enough. And the other on just asked "how does that make you feel " all night.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here said:


> Would you mind elaborating on that? I mean how did it hurt you more?


Because it made me realise that I was POS. And I hurt myself my wife and my OW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

Augusto said:


> Not everyone does well in counseling. One called my wife a fvcking ***** ****. And another said I deserved to be on the receiving end of the affair because I was working long hours and did not support her enough. And the other on just asked "how does that make you feel " all night.


 and see that's what I'm worried about happening. I don't want to go there having given the person my money and then hear something that's stupid or just crazy, like it's my fault for not showing her my emotions enough or somethings. I know counselor aren't suppose to tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear. But I will be mad if they somehow try to push some of the blame on me.

And did your MCs really say those things to you all? I don't think they should be licensed if so


----------



## Here (Jan 17, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Because it made me realise that I was POS. And I hurt myself my wife and my OW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hurting the OW I can kinda understand why you would feel bad, but your wife I don't know about that. Cause what I mean is she cheated and hurt you first right? So just like if someone hit you first don't you have the rights to hit back? Or maybe I'm just making up an excuse for it.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Here, does your wife respect you ? I am not asking if she loves you or if she is truly sorry etc. I am asking if you think she respects you.

The bottom line is I feel that you think she has lost respect for you since you didn't punish her appropriately. Forget about what other guys think, its what she thinks that really matters.

If she is sad that she got caught, feels guilty, and was afraid to lose you then that is not enough for you. You need to know that she hasn't lost respect for you. Because if she has, she could always do this again easily. And that is what I suspect is underpinning your angst at the moment.

You need to work on yourself so that you do not worry about what everyone else thinks and are confident enough to be able to walk away if you decide that she does not and maybe even, can not respect you.

Once you are in a position to face the truth whatever it is with regard to her respecting you or not, then you can decide how to determine if she respects you (and this is a tough one). In short, you need to become someone who is capable of handling the result whatever it is. And this makes you very respect worthy in itself.

If she respects you and openly shows that she respects you (admires you for the man you are over and above loving you), then you have the basis to heal from this.

Take care.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here said:


> Hurting the OW I can kinda understand why you would feel bad, but your wife I don't know about that. Cause what I mean is she cheated and hurt you first right? So just like if someone hit you first don't you have the rights to hit back? Or maybe I'm just making up an excuse for it.


That didn't matter to me. I had hurt her. That was all that mattered to me at that point.


----------

