# Guys, please help - Walking a fine line of desperate and rational



## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Hi there, 

Some of you have been kind enough to post on the other 2 threads...

I am seeking additional help as to how to to about things. If you'd be so kind as to read my first post to get a barring as to my situation http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/31608-unsure-what-do-husband-ready-call-quits.html

I love my husband I can understand why he is frustrated, however I just don't see why he won't try. There are no affairs, abuse, addictions....there is not another woman for him. He just keeps reverting back to no counseling, nothing will change. 

Here is my other posts with some more recent updates http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/31768-looking-some-opinions-all-welcome-but-curious-guys-thoughts.html

I am just at such a loss here -- out talks go well, and then he strays off, latest being waiting on an approval for an apt (which there is no way we can afford 2 rentals). 

I know I cannot MAKE him want to fix things, but I see it as easy fixes, so easy that ending things seems so foolish - tossing 10 years aside seems so foolish.

Is there any thing I can do, say --- the way I see it is I am missing something, or not saying something right. 

Thanks for your time in advance!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jenna,

Why not simply go home?
You`re married, he`s your husband, it`s your marital home.

What would go down if you simply showed up and unpacked your bags?

What reaction would he have?
What reaction would the brother have?


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Tacoma, 

I have no idea to be honest. I've contemplated it a few times. Brother would be in shock I am sure....and I don't know about H --- I figure it would either drive him away -- or serve a good purpose. I don't think it would be anywhere in between. 

What's holding me back is the whole "forcing myself on him" issue -- 

Here is what I know:

Each time we've talked AFTER a couple weeks apart from the inital blow up, things have gone well. He says things like "I agree 10 years is a long time", "we are intertwined with family and friends", and "I have a lot to think about"...all good things. 

However he also says "I can't get past thinking things won't change" "Things will go back as they were".

I also know he has NOT filed for legal seperation or divorce, and (not that this is big bc he isn't an avid facebook user) he is still listed as married. 

I very much feel like I am dealing with Jeykl\hyde here, in that a part of him wants to reconcile, and the other part doesn't.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I very much feel like I am dealing with Jeykl\hyde here, in that a part of him wants to reconcile, and the other part doesn't.


One reason may be because he has not had to decide. With you leaving the house, he has not had to face making an affirmative decision about your marriage. Effectively, he has been able to do nothing and not really face things.

Returning to the house will force him to make a decision. You may not like the decision (him moving out) but you will be out of limbo.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

JennaLynne said:


> I love my husband I can understand why he is frustrated, however I just don't see why he won't try. There are no affairs, abuse, addictions....there is not another woman for him. He just keeps reverting back to no counseling, nothing will change.
> 
> I know I cannot MAKE him want to fix things, but I see it as easy fixes, so easy that ending things seems so foolish - tossing 10 years aside seems so foolish.
> 
> ...


Sign up for the free report here
How Husbands and Wive's Can Find and Fulfill Their 2 Greatest Needs Before It's Too Late
Ask your husband to fill it out with you. It couldn't hurt. And seriously consider moving back home


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I very much feel like I am dealing with Jeykl\hyde here, in that a part of him wants to reconcile, and the other part doesn't.


I`m still convinced the "Jeykl/Hyde" problem is the influence of his brother.

What kind of scenario do you think would happen between the three of you if you ..

A: Informed your husband you were moving back in in 1 week.

B: Showed up, unpacked your bags, and made yourself at home.

Humor me here, what do you think would happen?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

See the thing is you need to somehow counteract the brothers influence and I don`t see how you can do that through the occasional e-mail/phone call.
The brother is around him a lot more.

If you could get back in the house without pushing him out you`d be in a much more influential position.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

10Yr - thanks - I am awaiting an email to see what that is all about.

Tacoma - honeslty I have no idea bc signals are so mixed with H -- some responses SEEM like he is waivering....others seem like he is still dead set on the D.....I can copy and paste some of what he emails me here....maybe ya'll can pick up on something I cannot.

I agree re: Brother -- but I have no idea what to do there. I might be more incline to just walk back in the door, however if i do and it backfires, I am completely financially strapped...meaning if he moves into an apt, and I pay the mortgage....well we will hit financail ruin in oh about 2.5 seconds.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why would you be in ruin? It's both your house. He's still obligated to pay. Also, have you come to terms with some sort of financials regarding a separation agreement? 

Are you making this too easy on him?

Seriously, you need to treAt this like an affair. Stop talking to him. Do the 180. He will never come to a decision if it's not kicking him in the nuts.

Separate, with no contact. When you meet up to chat, dress to the nines, sexy hot. Tell him you only have an hour because your going out. When he ask where, tell him out with friends. Who cares if you just go home. He doesn't need to know that. 

He needs to see what he is missing. And he needs to realize what he started. It sounds like your hanging around like a puppy dog, waiting for scraps of his love.

In my opinion, if he wants a separation, let him think he's getting one. Or better, give him one. Who's to say you finally won't meet up with someone that really and truly wants to be with you. And actually fulfills your needs.

Stop this sh$t now. Be the strong woman you know you are inside. You know the one? The one that doesn't take this petty sh$t from anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

AOM - 

Financial ruin is caused by not being able to financailly support mortgage + rent (adding in all other bills). We both work full time, and in the economy out home is upside down - unable to sell and even come withing $20K of breaking even. 

I appreciate your thoughts here - and we did have no contact for about a month, and then started to talk things to seemingly go well, but then would get weird again - it's the brother. And like I said I have no solid proof, other than my own experiences - it's him. 

I am not laying down to be a door mat - I am fighting for my marriage....I do not want to be with someone else -- nor do I feel it is really the right thing to date before legally divorced. just IMO.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

We are suppose to meet Friday --- I cannot get him to say he has not already singed a lease or that he will not. 

I just want to grab him and kiss him and say - look we are too important not to work this out.....


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Met with H on Saturday. He agreed to meeting up once a week and see how things go. He said that he wasn't "all in" however he had no reason not to be so..... 

Asked if he wanted to watch football Sunday - he said he would let me know....might go see his grandparents -- I said that was cool. Well Sunday he didn't bother to even send a text.....so later in the afternoon, I sent him a text just saying "hey I ended up making dinner plans, so we can touch base next week." He said sounds good. 

I'm not mad or anything - but just sitting on the fence of saying something -- because he really could have just sent a simple message saying - Hey I ended up making other plans.....instead he just blows it off.....and I say I am sitting on the fence bc this is the stuff he use to do when we were dating, and I ended up holding grudges because I never said anything.

I had pondered the thought of him "testing me" to see if I will throw a fit -- but I am just not sure that he would be playing a game.

I don't know - I am right back to we meet up or talk - things go well -- I leave and things get weird. 

What is up with this....it's like he is void of any feeling, and has no idea what he wants...he is almost depressed???


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe the sad truth is you want to be with him very much more than he wants to be with you. In fact he doesn’t seem to want to be with you. If he did what his brother, or anyone else, thinks or does wouldn’t make one iota of difference.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

I've thought about that AFEH. Then why not sign a lease (he didn't btw), and why not file for divorce? 

I've honestly tried looking at things from all angles here, and I get signals from both the "I want to work things out", and the "I really am done" sides. 

This may sounds brash - but I sort of feel like I am dealing with a woman. 

To me - if he was done, didn't love me, why not end it - file for divorce, and just begin the process....tell me to ____off, not to contact him? 

This is why I am confused. Believe me - many have said -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING -- walk away....and I do understand that - however - it's a hard thing to do --- to give up on a marriage. Reiterating again that there have been zero affairs, zero abuse....just severe lack of communication that escalated into a miserable state of marriage.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> I've thought about that AFEH. Then why not sign a lease (he didn't btw), and why not file for divorce?
> 
> I've honestly tried looking at things from all angles here, and I get signals from both the "I want to work things out", and the "I really am done" sides.
> 
> ...


I think he wants you to show him you're willing to go the extra mile to work on it. He hasn't gotten a lease, he hasn't gotten a divorce, and while that might be laziness it looks more like reluctance. 

Ask him what it would take for him to be "all in".

Ask him what would you have to do to get him enthusiastic about the relationship again.

You may not like the answers, and you don't have to do anything about them, but they might give you some insight on where his head is.


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