# When it's Death and Not Divorce...



## katharina

What do you think the differences are between grieving over a loss through
divorce (especially if the partner was loved previously) and a loss through
the death of a partner? By the same token, how are the two exactly
alike?


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## JustMe

I think (some of) the difference is, when a loved one dies, we tend to remember the good things about them and the times we shared with them. When we do happen to think about the not so good parts, we forgive more easily because there's nothing at that point that can be done to change them. Also, although the loss, whether sudden, or after a long illness, still hurts like hell, it's a cleaner break so to say. There's no chance that you're going to run into them on the street and have all the initial saddness from losing them come rushing back. I know we'll find pictures of the person, or a favorite article of clothing, etc...but that's not quite the same as seeing them somewhere, especially if it's an (ex)spouse with another love interest!!

But I do think there are similarities in the feeling of extreme loss in divorce. In fact, I think divorce is worse because it can be very long and drawn out and you still feel like you want to fix whatever it is that went wrong. 

Does that make any sense?


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## katharina

JustMe said:


> I think (some of) the difference is, when a loved one dies, we tend to remember the good things about them and the times we shared with them. When we do happen to think about the not so good parts, we forgive more easily because there's nothing at that point that can be done to change them. Also, although the loss, whether sudden, or after a long illness, still hurts like hell, it's a cleaner break so to say. There's no chance that you're going to run into them on the street and have all the initial saddness from losing them come rushing back. I know we'll find pictures of the person, or a favorite article of clothing, etc...but that's not quite the same as seeing them somewhere, especially if it's an (ex)spouse with another love interest!!
> 
> But I do think there are similarities in the feeling of extreme loss in divorce. In fact, I think divorce is worse because it can be very long and drawn out and you still feel like you want to fix whatever it is that went wrong.
> 
> Does that make any sense?


It makes perfect sense and was an excellent answer.
I think you're right... death is so final that we're forced
to close it up but with divorce, there's a whole future 
that we can't "control" or even predict.


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## Doubt&Wonder

*((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) *


After loosing my only daughter at the young tender age of 10 - I can honestly say that TIME, FAMILY & FRIENDS that support and listen well are the best way to over come the loss of a loved one.

And - NEVER forget to CRY when you feel the NEED......... even if it is years later.



*((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) *


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## riskey58

I think it is a completely different kind of loss. When you lose someone from death. it is something that you are not prepared for.


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## Tag

Separation by death is like forever, you can never tell the person you love them, etc. Divorce...well, there's always a chance you'll run into the ex somewhere or the other.


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## tater03

I guess it would just in some ways depend on how the divorce played out. I mean if it was something that you may not have wanted it could feel like you have lost someone forever. But in the end I would have to say that to me death is usually sudden and not wanted at all. There is no going back with death.


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## mollyL

My aunt and uncle were on the verge of divorce for the longest time. They simply couldn't get on without each other, and so they divorced after like thirty five years of marriage. My uncle, who was always a bit of a drinker, started getting arrested for drunk driving, and started being drunk all the time; five years later he died of respiratory and liver issues. Everyone had come to the realization that he'd basically died of a broken heart over the divorce. My aunt, who had basically just been mad at him the whole time, totally went over the brink at his funeral, wailing and freaking out. I think that was about the saddest thing I'd ever seen, seeing that it was too late for them to reconcile.


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## Green-Moo

I think that in the case of an unwanted divorce, you can keep picking at the scab if you'll excuse the term. It's possible to keep revisiting old ground and thus keep the wound open. It's possible to keep unlikely dreams alive when the object of them is also alive.

Green-Moo


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## sarahdale24

I think it's a complete difference. I've been through both a divorce and a death of a loved one.


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## GrietJa

It's completely different feeling yes. Strangely enough I can cope better with he fact my friend will die then my husband divorced me. 

But then again, my friend didn't die yet. And that's like hurting me every second in life now too. Cause he's so dear to me. And I still think he can't be taken away from me.

I met Georges just on line you know. Same as my ex-husband. And in both cases it really felt really ok in the beginning. 

I know already how it feels when getting divorced, and I'm still not over it. I still think in a way it's not over yet.

I already know losing someone who dies feels different. And I'm so afraid of all the feelings that will follow soon. But for now I know he loves me and will for as long as he lives. And he'll live for ever in my heart. Maybe it gives me the comfort to make myself strong if I talk to him and tell jokes. And being a religious person helps in this case.


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## artwizard

I lost my first wife to cancer! she was only 30 yrs old and it was hell watching her deteriorate and die! But you know its coming, you know there's nothing you can do. The worst thing is knowing that the kids will never know her (Max was 4 and Maddison was 2) but you deal with it because you have to and closure is easier because you know that there is nothing you can do, whats not easier is the aftermath and sudden knowledge that you will never hold kiss or feel the one you love ever again, for me i coped for a while and even got a job but one day it fell apart and i fell apart in a big way and nearly lost everything by going off the rails!

Since then i have rebuilt my life, re-married and now have 4 children, 2 step and my 2! and that brings a whole new strain on life. Atm i am not 100% sure that our marriage is going to survive because of my wife and my mum not seeing eye to eye and the kids, especially the boys having problems getting on. This scares me more than losing my first wife, that i could not control but this i feel i can but whatever i do does not work, i love my current wife more than i can possibly say but the thought of it going wrong and losing her and divorce etc i know i cant deal with, the thought of her still being around and making a life without me would kill me because i will always think i could of done more!

Hopefully this wont happen, i know i will survive if it does and do my best but the thought that i could (and still can) of saved it will eat at me forever, death gives a definate closure divorce never does.


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## CoffeeTime

When you love someone, both of these scenarios are devastating to the heart. Grief and sorrow can be so complex, very personal. To me, the depth of loss cannot be measured by the 'how' or 'why' and 'when'. It is the journey of feeling the significance of your life with vulnerability... and the significance of those around you.


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## southbound

I feel like death is actually more natural. Death is something that everyone will face, and if a spouse passes away, the two part on good terms and no memories are tarnished. 

When someone divorces, especially after several years, it's a very strange feeling. All at once, this person that you created a life bond with, made love to, and had children with, no longer wants you. It's the twilight zone.


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## Jellybeans

southbound said:


> I feel like death is actually more natural. Death is something that everyone will face, and if a spouse passes away, the two part on good terms and no memories are tarnished.
> 
> When someone divorces, especially after several years, it's a very strange feeling. All at once, this person that you created a life bond with, made love to, and had children with, no longer wants you. It's the twilight zone.


Great post


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## golfergirl

Jellybeans said:


> Great post


With death, there is no choice, with divorce, often you make a decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian.

Women initiate the vast majority of all divorces so I don't think women are that upset if it ends in divorce.


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## ddindiana

I read a article that said, next to loosing a child, a divorce is the hardest thing you'll go through in your life. I still have my beautiful daughter, but watched my wife walk out of my life and rip my heart into pieces. I told my ex wife you'll never know how bad you hurt me. So i have to agree with the article..


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## ddindiana

Yeah! Brain, most women are heartless. I know my ex wife is..


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## HappyAtLast

I think the main difference is that death is permanent, but the one you divorced is still around.
They really are similar is that they are both heart breaking and so very painful...it seems as though the pieces of your heart will never fit back together again.
Strange that I should be reading this today...my mother died exactly a month ago, and it's still so hard to believe she's gone..even after a battle with esophageal cancer.


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## Blindasabat

when someone you love dies, that love goes on forever when you divorce, love dies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindasabat

Doubt&Wonder said:


> *((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) *
> 
> 
> After loosing my only daughter at the young tender age of 10 - I can honestly say that TIME, FAMILY & FRIENDS that support and listen well are the best way to over come the loss of a loved one.
> 
> And - NEVER forget to CRY when you feel the NEED......... even if it is years later.
> 
> 
> *((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) *


So sorry for your loss I can imagine nothing more painfull in life than losing a child God be with you and dry your tears and take comfort
in the knowlegde you will be reunited.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtnohio

A divorce is a willful decision to terminate a relationship, which has connotations of rejection, spitefulness and cruelty (whether intentional or not). 

Death is permanent and that's what makes it painful. But it doesn't carry the same sense of intentional rejection.


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## Noel1987

Doubt&Wonder said:


> *((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) *
> 
> 
> After loosing my only daughter at the young tender age of 10 - I can honestly say that TIME, FAMILY & FRIENDS that support and listen well are the best way to over come the loss of a loved one.
> 
> And - NEVER forget to CRY when you feel the NEED......... even if it is years later.
> 
> 
> 
> *((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))) *


You are right and i can feel your precious loss sometimes it makes our eyes wet as well but try to revise the memories when you feel lonely and think that she is in a better place from here  there will be smile on your face....HUGS


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