# Something to be concerned with?



## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Hello, me and my wife have been married for 7 years and we are 26 years old. We also have a 6 year old daughter. We had been friends for close to 10 years and very close friends for 4 years. We went out together all the time but it was always just friends until we talked one night and discovered we both had deep feelings for one another. We didn't have sex right away we let it build up and just got to know one another on a little deeper level first. Once we brought our relationship to the next level it was amazing, we had a wonderful connection and much like most new relationships it was very often. Maybe more so then most, it was every single day, most of the time multiple times a day. I had never been a very sexual person but she was and she brought it out in me. Then our kid was born, and her sex drive dropped to nothing. I waited and waited for it to get back to normal and after a year I asked what the problem was. She could never tell me more then idk. She got put on antidepressants and it worked for a few weeks and she stopped taking them. That caused serious problems, she was telling me she loved me but didn't know if she was in love with me, didn't know if she wanted to stay, or leave. That lasted a few weeks then we went a few more years and she would do stuff when I asked but there was no connection, she would orgasm but didn't seem to be into it at all. Then antidepressants again with the same out come. Then right back to the way where she would do it but not get into, and she would never ask to do it. About a month ago she went on antidepressants again, she just came home one day and told me. My first thought was oh great here we go with this BS again. I have to admit it has been great, I feel like she is truly in love with me again, she just has that little sparkle back in her eyes when she looks at me. She has been pretty adventures in the bedroom too. She use to like bondage when we first got together and she has even wanted a little more serious bondage. She has always been very against anal and we had tried it one time and she said never again. The other day I joked around about it and she told me to rub her anus and put one finger in. 4 days later she told me she wanted to try it and liked it a lot. Now to part that is concerning to me. She apparently just recently started masterbating almost daily thinking of me after I go to work (night shift). It was a huge turn on to me bc she hasn't wanted me and now she does. We can have sex twice in one day and she still does it after I leave. The other day I was at work and asked her if she did and she said still am. I asked if she was thinking of me, she said not thinking of anything I just kinda wanted to get off. I told her I would leave her alone and let her have private time. Last night I found out she has been watching porn while she does school work, or anytime our kid is asleep and I'm gone. The other day she asked if I would be ok with me and her going to a strip club, I said yes. After I found out she was watching porn almost daily I joked and said watching porn, wanting to go to a strip club, u wanting to add a 3rd person too? She said idk maybe I can appreciate good boobs. I was shocked and said u would be ok with someone doing stuff to me thats not you? She answered with I would expect them too if we were doing stuff, and it wouldn't be just a girl ever time it would only be fair for a guy to come in to. I said I can't imagine another guy touching you. She said it's only fair.. Am I screwed? She went from wanting no sex to watching porn, masterbating and having sex every day, and even being curious about bringing other people in and being ok with girls and other guys doing stuff to her. Thanks in advance.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

are you screwed?

Not necessarily. she had no libido. NOW she has one. It might be all chemical, as anti depressants DO suppress the libido. 

I would encourage her, and do a role play instead of bringing in a 3rd person. Se if she can add all sorts of kinky stuff with you alone in the bedroom, and see if she loves it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She likes bondage but you’re obviously letting her completely control everything. Have you always been so submissive to her? Maybe take control. Tell her no ****ing way. Buy a chastity belt and make her wear it. Drive her a little crazy. Text her pics of the key during the day. 


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

IMO it is never a good idea to bring someone another person into your sex life, that is a bell you can not unring once it has been rung again it is just MO


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

I'm not submissive to her really, especially not during sex. She doesn't really control anything completely, everything is usually just 50/50. Her libido dropping to nearly nothing did put a strain on us and it was like that for probably 5 of the last 6 years. She would usually do stuff but I didn't feel right about it and would just tell her to stop bc I could tell she didn't want to. Then she would say she does, but you can just tell.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Thanks for everyone's replies. I just talked to her for a pretty good while. I think the medicine she is on finally got her head right. She told me that she realizes now that she did not do me right for a very long time. She said she would be ok with that stuff but just because it could be fun, but it's not important to her. She said she feels better and was saying we could do that if I wanted to, but don't have to by any means... Idk I'm confused lol


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Thank you for the reply. I was with one person before her, and she was with 8 before me. She told me she wants me to have fun and wants me to experience other people bc she feels like she robbed me of that. Especially since she had such a low libido for the last 5 years. She told me if I found someone that I wanted to "hook up" with that she would completely be ok with that, if it was strictly sex and wasn't recurring to often. I told her that I do wish I had experienced a bit more before her, but it wasn't necessary. I told her that our sex life is better now then it has been in a long time, and we should just enjoy it while it lasts. She said she was completely ok with that.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

I really don't know, she says she is completely fine with not changing our relationship at all and not pursuing anyone. Then she says it makes some people's relationship's stronger. I replied with our relationship is better now then it's been in a long time, why want this now? She said she just thinks it would be a thrill and be something new and exciting. It sounds like to me she is bored, but yet we have both been more adventurous and trying several different new things. She said she would be completely open to bringing in a male or female as a 3rd person for strictly sex then go separate ways with the person. She also said she would be 100% fine with me getting with another woman and it would not bother her, but she wouldn't mind hooking up with a random guy just for sex then go separate ways. To me it does sound exciting, and I tried to be ok with it, but I do not want anyone else to be with her. I can't imagine that, I told her it is not going to happen and she said that's ok, I love you and you're all I need. Then I go to work, and she sends me an article of how a couple brought a friend into their bedroom and now they're relationship is stronger. I said why this again? You said you were fine with not doing it. She said it just sounds fun.. I can understand if one person's sex drive is a lot higher than the other person's but they are the same if not mine is a little bit higher. It feels like she is bored, but she does not act that way at all. I'm hoping she gets the Dr to lower her antidepressants, bc idk what else it could be.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

She needs a good kick in the azz. You are her husband. Shut this down immediately. This could be a piss test. She is testing you. 

Other people being brought into the marriage could very easily destroy it.

Sounds to me like she has a guy on the side in mind.

Maybe a work buddy?

Come down hard.

NO OTHER PEOPLE.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What is the new medication that she is on?

Anti depressants often decrease libido.

This is how my wife was when she was taking testosterone replacement after a uterine ablation. Are you sure she isn't on some kind of testosterone or hormonal therapy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think both of you are jumping the gun ...it sounds like she only recently got her groove back, so to speak, i think before you even thinking about that (threesome or more) you build that trust and desire between the both fo you...sure fantasy and role play but keep just between the two of you for now...build that foundation.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

It could be something to be concerned about....or maybe you won the greatest lottery ever. You never know.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Thanks everyone I think it does sound fun, but it definitely is not worth the risks. I'm trying to shut the thought down. She said she feels bad for even bringing it up now, I told her not to feel bad about it and I really appreciated her openness and honesty. She said she feels bad for thinking it would be fun, I said no reason to feel bad, everyone has fantasies but it needs to be separated from reality.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Old shirt, The Dr. told my wife she had high testosterone levels. The medicine she is taking is paxil. What exactly did your wife do and what did you do to handle it successfully?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

a couple random ideas: Antidepressants can lower a person's inhibitions. So maybe that is why she suddenly seems to want kinky sex...maybe she wanted it before but was afraid to ask, and now does not feel timid about asking. 

unfortunately it also works as far as cheating....someone who only fantasized about cheating...all of a sudden has no inhibitions to actually trying it out.

You KNOW what she wants...she told you. it is up to YOU to be the dominant in the relationship and show her new sexual things. Try new kinky things out....see if you both really love it or not


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

WeTalker 67 she always like kinky sex, and was never afraid to say what she wanted but after our child was born she was never in the mood, she was depressed and tired all the time. All 3 times she has been on antidepressants her sex drive went way up, this however is the first time she seems like she wants us to open up our relationship. At first she was telling me I could do it then she said it sounded fun and she would like to try it. Well at first I said threesome jokingly sence she wants to go to a strip club with me and some of our friends, and she has been watching porn. We both laughed when I said it then she looks at me and said yea it would be fun. It appears that I have opened Pandora's box by joking, and ive got to close it lock it up and throw it over a bridge. She had to be thinking about it before though. She said about 3 months ago she wanted to tell me since my sex drive was higher I should find a few random girls just for sex, I said idk, then she started talking about it and it got her worked up and said it sounds fun do it, and I will too. All in one conversation.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

I mean she didn't say that 3 months ago but she told me today she thought about it 3 months ago. At that time her sex drive was still very low.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ceysta said:


> Thanks for everyone's replies. I just talked to her for a pretty good while. I think the medicine she is on finally got her head right. She told me that she realizes now that she did not do me right for a very long time. She said she would be ok with that stuff but just because it could be fun, but it's not important to her. She said she feels better and was saying we could do that if I wanted to, but don't have to by any means... Idk I'm confused lol


She is already ready to have sex with others. The way she has brought this up is where the trouble is. We can have a 3sum fmf as long as I get a mfm. She is wanting this. 

Here is the kick in the nuts so to speak. Wives have ask for this and when the husband says “no it’s not going to happen” the wife ends up doing it on her own. Not saying your wife will do this also, just keep your eyes open. Maybe look into what she is looking up and who she is talking about this with. (It could be a gf that does it)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ceysta said:


> I really don't know, she says she is completely fine with not changing our relationship at all and not pursuing anyone. Then she says it makes some people's relationship's stronger. I replied with our relationship is better now then it's been in a long time, why want this now? She said she just thinks it would be a thrill and be something new and exciting. It sounds like to me she is bored, but yet we have both been more adventurous and trying several different new things. She said she would be completely open to bringing in a male or female as a 3rd person for strictly sex then go separate ways with the person. She also said she would be 100% fine with me getting with another woman and it would not bother her, but she wouldn't mind hooking up with a random guy just for sex then go separate ways. To me it does sound exciting, and I tried to be ok with it, but I do not want anyone else to be with her. I can't imagine that, I told her it is not going to happen and she said that's ok, I love you and you're all I need. Then I go to work, and she sends me an article of how a couple brought a friend into their bedroom and now they're relationship is stronger. I said why this again? You said you were fine with not doing it. She said it just sounds fun.. I can understand if one person's sex drive is a lot higher than the other person's but they are the same if not mine is a little bit higher. It feels like she is bored, but she does not act that way at all. I'm hoping she gets the Dr to lower her antidepressants, bc idk what else it could be.


She is talking with someone. They are telling her how great it is. She is at the point she is obsessed with the thought of fckn another guy and knows who she wants it to be. I believe she is talking with someone trying to get her to see him or already has been with him. All of the it’s ok for you to see another girl might be to relieve her guilt.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Yea I was thinking if I just flat out said hell no she would eventually go behind my back and do it anyway. I'm trying to give a lot of negative feed back on what I think about it. How does someone go from a low sex drive to wanting this much? I work night shift and my kid was really sick and stayed home Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, then the weekend and is out all week. I know my wife has stayed at home with her during that time bc no one else watched my kid. I work night shift, this morning I came home and my wife was asleep in the bed and her phone was beside her, fb messenger was open but the only person she was talking to was me, and one of my family members and it was about plans for Thanksgiving. I knew she fell asleep talking to me bc she said she was sleepy then 5 minutes later she stopped texting me, she had an unopened message from me and the chat screen that was open was from my family member. So I looked at her actually texts, nothing out of the ordinary. My wife doesn't really have any friends that im not friends with too, and she does not work. She is a college student and up to this point done all of her classes online. As of right now I do not think she has ever cheated on me. My kid is just now in kindergarten and most of the time she has her. It doesn't add up and I really don't know what is going on in her mind. We have been talking a lot and I think she may just be bored bc she is always home, and doesn't have many friends, but that doesn't explain why she would want to be with another man, I don't understand it. After being married for 7 years I can see why it would become a fantasy, but I don't understand wanting to actually do it and risking so much for meaningless sex. I told her today that, I didn't want to do that at all and we did not have a good sex life for a good while but now it's better, and I feel like we need to try to improve it even more and there are a lot more ways to spice things up without bringing in someone else. She said she wanted that, I asked her how much she wanted that compared to being with other people and she said about the same. I'm trying to be nice about this, she knows my stance on it. I'm trying to give alternatives, and act like it's not completely breaking me down inside but it is. I just don't understand it. The last 5 things she looked at was food recipes, then there was some stuff like does open relationships ruin marriage, and cons of open marriage, what open marriage means, can a happily married couple have nsa sex with others.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Something is way off here.

There is definitely something she is keeping you in the dark about.

She might have already cheated on you or is so tempted that she is trying to get your permission first.

Get to a counselor or therapist quickly. Something is very wrong.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ceysta said:


> It sounds like to me she is bored She also said she would be 100% fine with me getting with another woman and it would not bother her, but she wouldn't mind hooking up with a random guy


She is bored.

And it must have been incredibly hurtful to hear about "hooking up with a random guy" and " you getting with another woman"

I personally don't care about her sex- drive .

What she is Suggesting to you - 

Is THIS what YOU want in your marriage?

You not only hold the match but the can of gasoline and decide to not only light the fire but stoke it or send it to Burning Man proportions.

Which SHE left up to YOU to decide.

How innocent! 

Good luck.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Something is very off with all of this. 

Ask her why this has all of a sudden come up. 

For years there is nothing then all of a sudden her sex drive is into overdrive. Also, she is wanting to have sex with others now as well. Who has she been getting this from?

Tell her if this is what she wants that you can’t stop her but she will do it as a single woman. That you can get with a lawyer next week and give her her freedom back so she can do whatever she wants. That you didn’t marry her to swing, have a hotwife, to be cockolded, or to have an open marriage with. That you married her to have a best friend, lover, partner through life that you could always count on too be there. 

Ask what are you to think is going on? 

Are you having sex with someone else?

Is there someone that you want to have sex with?

Are you talking with someone already?

There are so many apps she can talk with others. If nothing was on fb then it could be a number of others. It could also be a dating site that she is talking with others on. 

Go through her phone and see what apps she is using the most. Check internet history as well. You can also do a search on her name, it will give you the email addresses she has. Then search the email addresses. 

There are more people on this site that know more about this gathering of information then I do. See if they can help. 

See what you can find, then you have to talk with her. 

Sorry you are going through this. I really do hope it is just a whim of hers but with sexless past then the turnaround and now what she is wanting. 

It might also be her meds. I have read a post in the past six months where the meds the wife was on was the cause for her wanting to or cheating. I would have to find it again. It’s side effect was the removal of boundaries on more then one woman that has taken it for depression. Not saying it makes them cheat but if i read it right it makes them think why is this wrong or a problem.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Ok as if right now I feel better about this, she said she hasn't thought about it long. She said when I said it as a joke, she thought about it for a second and it just sounded fun. She was thinking of it one way, just something fun and new and just to get off. I talked to her today a lot about scenarios and made her realize how unsafe it would be to meet a random person. I said would you go meet a stranger in a secluded place to buy something, she said no, and I said then why would you want to do it naked and vulnerable. She said you're right, I didn't think of actually doing it, and I didn't think of any scenarios or how, I just thought it would be fun, and if you were open to it then we could have an even better relationship bc that's what the articles I read said. I was like well it might work for some but it will never work for me, it's scares me that it will work for u. I told her to keep it as a fantasy if she had to but she had to find a better way to separate fantasy from reality. I still don't know. It still don't make since, some may think I'm blind or maybe even stupid but I don't think she is talking to anyone and I don't think she is cheating. I
We have been more open and honest with one another since this came about and we have communicated very well and we have both kept our calm so in a way I'm kinda glad this came up.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Keep alert. Something is not right. She was testing to see what you thought. Now that she knows you are against it, she knows she'll have to hide any unfaithful activity. If she truly felt she robbed you of experiencing different women, why would she have to do it with a random guy? She'd just give you a few free passes.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ceysta said:


> Ok as if right now I feel better about this, she said she hasn't thought about it long. She said when I said it as a joke, she thought about it for a second and it just sounded fun. She was thinking of it one way, just something fun and new and just to get off. I talked to her today a lot about scenarios and made her realize how unsafe it would be to meet a random person. I said would you go meet a stranger in a secluded place to buy something, she said no, and I said then why would you want to do it naked and vulnerable. She said you're right, I didn't think of actually doing it, and I didn't think of any scenarios or how, I just thought it would be fun, and if you were open to it then we could have an even better relationship bc that's what the articles I read said. I was like well it might work for some but it will never work for me, *it's scares me that it will work for u.* I told her to keep it as a fantasy if she had to but she had to find a better way to separate fantasy from reality. I still don't know. It still don't make since, some may think I'm blind or maybe even stupid but I don't think she is talking to anyone and I don't think she is cheating. I
> We have been more open and honest with one another since this came about and we have communicated very well and we have both kept our calm so in a way I'm kinda glad this came up.


Keep talking and being honest. 

What was her reply to this? 

You mentioned that she read it would make your relationship stronger, where did she read this. Ask her to show you. Ask if she has talked to anyone about this. Don’t accuse her of anything, just see how she has come up with her info. 

Everything thing she has said is scary. The fact that she is ready to do this at the drop of a dime is the concern. I mean in her mind and fantasies she has already done it and is dwelling on the thought of it. I honestly don’t know how you are going to solve this unless your wife changes her point of view 180 degrees. Or you give in and let your wife start sleeping around.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

This is all I can come up with. She said she never thought of it, but had thought of giving me free passes. So she had already made up in her mind that it would be ok if I done it, she said she wanted to tell me many times but didn't know how or what would happen. She came up with this during a depressed state of mind and didn't really care. So now that her sex drive is back full force and she feels normal again. Me joking and saying when do u want to have a threesome she was already ok with me being with someone else, so she laughed thought about it and said ok it sounds fun. I said it was a joke so then she thought it was the right time to tell me I can be with a few other women if I wanted to. Her thinking and talking about that made her think well it sounds very fun and exciting and new I wouldn't mind doing it to. We have talked hours about this, we have been extremely open, understanding, and honest with each other. She said she didn't think of any specific scenario's or anything like that, she read articles about it and even sent them to me. They seemed pretty convincing, there are a ton of people out there that do this and it made communication and trust in their relationship better. I however will never be able to do that bc my morals and believes will prevent it, thankfully. Apparently she was just looking at articles about why you should do it, it's all I found on her phone. I told her a scenario of one way it would play out even if it went perfectly, and ask her how we could look each other in the face knowing that we both done something without it being each other. She said I really don't know it's weird, I said yes it is. I said just imagine the ride back home afterwards, we wouldn't be able to look at each other or talk. She said I think so too, I asked if u didn't think that much into why did u want to do it that bad? She said I just thought it would be fun and exciting, and I put time into seeing if it would work and how well it's worked for other people. I will be on high alert for awhile, maybe it's just a fantasy of hers that she wouldn't mind doing. We talked to a friend of mine that is a therapist, and I feel like she still wants to do these things but she is embarrassed by the thought and she said that nothing was worth losing our marriage over and she is trying to get over this. I don't want to snoop and stuff I want to fully trust her, but I don't feel like I can for awhile. I know I need to watch her closely, but I think we will get past this. I'm just trying to make sure I keep being honest, and understanding (as I can be) with her. Thanks again everyone. If someone doesn't think I'm right about my thoughts on this bc I'm blinded by loving her let me know.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ceysta said:


> So now that her sex drive is back full force and she feels normal again. She said I just thought it would be fun and exciting, and I put time into seeing if it would work and how well it's worked for other people


Her sex drive is up and full- throttle AND she wants sex with other people.

BUT- it is all your fault that the thought of sex with other people EVEN entered her mind much less verbalized to you because a joke YOUmade.

And the articles said so? She was apparently researching this open marriage ideal based off your joke?

Hmmm.

She can go zip line or skydive for fun and excitement


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ceysta said:


> If someone doesn't think I'm right about my thoughts on this bc I'm blinded by loving her let me know.


There can be no right thoughts when your partner detonates a bomb in your life. She changed the rules of engagement-Blamed it on you and then basically has said- Just Kidding! Let's drop it!

Not a great feeling for you.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

I keep coming back to the mental health aspect and meds. She almost sounds manic. What dose of Paxil is she taking and for how long? Is she still being monitored closely by the provider that prescribed it? People can have very strange reactions to these types of meds and a lot of the reactions wouldn’t normally be attributed to them. I took an antidepressant, Remeron, in my early 20s after a suicide attempt and had no side effects for the six months I was on it. I went on it again at almost age 30 and developed chronic swelling in both legs — it took 3 months to figure out that it was an adverse reaction because it only occurs in less than 0.01% of people. I was placed on Paxil for pain management before I ever had depression and it made me suicidal. My oldest took Elavil for 2 weeks for pain management and Heard God telling her she should die. 

Do not ignore this! Her provider needs to be informed ASAP. Please don’t take chances, don’t assume this is a guilty conscience or desire for sex with someone other than you. Be your wife’s advocate and protector — you may be the only one who can in this situation.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

I agree with both of the last 2 people that commented. I don't feel like it's my fault, I know its something in her head, I also know it's not right. I kinda feel like all I can do is just be open and honest with her about it and try to be understanding. If she still does anything and has no care of how I feel about it then our marriage was over before then. Right now I feel like we are both happier then we have been in a long time, and we are definitely being more open with each other. All I can do really is wait. I'm thinking it is a very good possiblity the medicine she is on could be causing some of this... One Dr said she was bipolar and she took medicine for 4 months and she just stopped taking them and we got in a huge fight and we almost separated, then she told me she quit taking it bc it made her feel crazy. She didn't take medicine again for a whole year and she has been taking paxil for about 2 months, it's weird but she had a yearly appointment with her gynecologist and she told the Dr that her sex drive was terrible and she likes doing stuff but just never wants to. Then she wrote her prescription for paxil, I'm not exactly sure why that kind of Dr would do that, but she did and she hasn't had any kind of follow up appointment after that.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Ceysta said:


> I agree with both of the last 2 people that commented. I don't feel like it's my fault, I know its something in her head, I also know it's not right. I kinda feel like all I can do is just be open and honest with her about it and try to be understanding. If she still does anything and has no care of how I feel about it then our marriage was over before then. Right now I feel like we are both happier then we have been in a long time, and we are definitely being more open with each other. All I can do really is wait. I'm thinking it is a very good possiblity the medicine she is on could be causing some of this... One Dr said she was bipolar and she took medicine for 4 months and she just stopped taking them and we got in a huge fight and we almost separated, then she told me she quit taking it bc it made her feel crazy. She didn't take medicine again for a whole year and she has been taking paxil for about 2 months, it's weird but she had a yearly appointment with her gynecologist and she told the Dr that her sex drive was terrible and she likes doing stuff but just never wants to. Then she wrote her prescription for paxil, I'm not exactly sure why that kind of Dr would do that, but she did and she hasn't had any kind of follow up appointment after that.




Some medications work in an opposite way depending on the individual and the situation involved. Hyperactive kids receive an amphetamine (stimulant) that works inversely to calm them and help focus. Marijuana and many of the antidepressants I’ve taken over the years actually turn me into a sex fiend — which is truly a neat trick seeing as without meds/drugs I already want sex multiple times per day LOL. That may the reasoning of her provider with this particular med. Not only treat any underlying depression or even anxiety while boosting libido — the provider may have thought “two birds with one stone” and saw this treatment option as a win/win for your wife as well as yourself. 

I believe you mentioned that some antidepressants have increased her libido in the past. If her doc asked the right questions during the visit then that could also factor in. If she’s only been on it for two months, I definitely suspect her recent behavior is related to it. General rule of thumb with most antidepressants is that it can take 6-8 weeks to reach maximum effect so she is probably responding to the Paxil in an unusual (for her) way. 

Either way, follow up and medication management is strongly indicated.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Ceysta

Has she been showing a pattern of impulsive, self-centered, irresponsible behaviors in other area of her life or has she been showing any changes of behavior that are out of character for her?

For example, has she been running up credit card purchases impulsively or have you come home to new sports car in the driveway or a new living room that had not been discussed?

Has she been showing self-centered and irresponsible behavior such as leaving the kids home alone because there was a sale at Yonkers or a friend was in town and wanted to grab a quick lunch?

If she is showing a change of behavior that is impulsive, irresponsible and self-absorbed, then you could have some serious trouble on your hands.

But if the only change in her since being on these new meds is a reawakening of her libido, then I see no reason to think the sky is falling in regards to infidelity.

Depression can be a libido killer and sometimes if the depression can be relieved, the libido can return.

Libido does not automatically = infidelity.

Infidelity is a character, moral, entitlement and impulse control issue. Libido and infidelity are not necessarily related. There are people with super high libidos that do not cheat and people with no libidos that do.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.... In other words, having a reawakening of libido and having some sexy thoughts and ideas after a long period of depression is not in and of itself alarming or indicative of anything adulterous.

Even the discussions of 3ways etc is not in and of itself an indication of impending doom assuming there are no other indicators of selfish, impulsive or irresponsible behaviors.

It may even be a good sign showing that she feels safe and trusting enough to discuss these things with you openly. 

Where I would be concerned is if she is showing signs of poor impulse control and irresponsible decision making or showing signs of serious selfishness and entitlement.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So the question that was being posed here was , "should I be concerned?""

If your wife is showing a change in behavior that is showing lack of impulse control, significant self-centeredness, poor decision making ability and irresponsibility - the answer is a definate YES!

If she is not showing any of those things, then probably not.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Thank you for the response. She is not showing any signs of lack of impulse control, significant self-centeredness, poor decision making ability and irresponsibility. The only signs I'm seeing is her being open, communicating better then she ever has, texting me more, calling me more, smiling more, and seems just all around happier then I've seen her in a long time.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Thanks, I definitely think she might need a follow up maybe the dosage just need to be reduced slightly. I asked her about trying another medicine and she said I don't want to do that, this is the 4th medicine I've been on and it's working, I don't feel like I'm in a fog anymore, I feel happy and I feel like me. I said yea well you're having some unusual feelings too. She told me that she doesn't want to feel ok with me sleeping with other people or her sleeping with other people bc after talking to me about it, it doesn't feel right that she's open to it. She said she feels terrible that she wants to do it, and risk our marriage for fun. Then she told me she didn't think it was the medicine and she thinks she can get over this, and if she doesn't in 2 months and still likes the idea and wants to do something like this then she will go back to the doctor. Yea she wants to do it, she still wants a threesome with another girl bc she wants to try it, but she told me she would not do anything bc she knows I'm not ok with it and nothing is worth losing our marriage over.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Ceysta

Does she feel like these thoughts are intrusive and compulsive and unwelcome? 

If she is having intrusive and compulsive thoughts and feels like she may have trouble controlling her actions, yes then by all means this is something that should be brought to the attention of her doctor. 

But if she is simply getting her libido back and feeling alive again and has fleeting sexy thoughts and fantasies that she knows are just fantasies and isn't feeling any compulsions to carry them out in the real world, then I'd just enjoy the newfound sexual drive and simply limit your sexy time to the two of you if you do not want to open your marriage to others.

The defining thing here is whether this is some kind of weird compulsion or fixation vs just feeling alive and sexy again.

I'm not sure strangers on the internet are the right people to be making that determination. If it seems problematic, then it is something that should probably be discussed with her doctor.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Do you think she ever cheated? Did you have much sex while she was pregnant? What are the details around her pregnancy? Were you trying? Was it an accident? Were you or her using protection?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So to break it down into simple terms.

Intrusive, compulsive thoughts that she has concerns she may not be able to control and concerned she may act compulsively on them = bad.

that may be an untoward effect of the medication which should be brought to the attention of her doctor.

However if she is just feeling alive and sexy again and is enjoying the return of her libido and her thoughts of 3ways etc are just fleeting images and thoughts that we all have now and then and which she realizes is just thoughts of fancy and fantasy and she feels no real urge to actually act on them at all = good. 

Normal, healthy people with healthy libidos have fantasies and thoughts and feelings etc that don't always fit into the nice, tidy little box of monogamous marriage. 

Assuming people know right from wrong and can differentiate between fantasy and reality and are not experiencing any self-destructive compulsions or lack of self control, then fantasy and desire are healthy things.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Ceystra, 

A bit back you wrote, "That caused serious problems, *she was telling me she loved me but didn't know if she was in love with me*, didn't know if she wanted to stay, or leave."

That statement is a classic sign of an affair, did you DNA your child?

Her offer to allow you to cheat on her is also a bit shady, it sounds like she is compensating you for something she has already done.

Tamat


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Ceystra,
> 
> A bit back you wrote, "That caused serious problems, *she was telling me she loved me but didn't know if she was in love with me*, didn't know if she wanted to stay, or leave."
> 
> ...


ILYBNILWY and offering a spouse to be able to hook up with others and even a sudden resurgence of libido out of the blue can all be potential signs of affairs.

However all bets are off when you are dealing with serious depression. As this dates back to their first child, this could have even been triggered by a serious case of post-partum depression which can even lead to psychosis. 

While depression certainly does not rule out an affair (and some people with depression have affairs in an effort to feel alive and viable again) but a depressed person may not be capable of feeling "in love" and may use some of the same verbiage in reference to ILYBNILWY. 

In their depression, some depressed people will even offer their spouses a Hall Pass to seek sex and companionship elsewhere as well. 

I do think it was prudent of the OP to look for evidence of an A and keep an open mind to that possibility. 

An A would explain some if these things, but so too would the reigniting of a long dormant sexual response in a clinically depressed 25 year old after receiving effective treatment. 

I think it is prudent of Ceysta to actively look for evidence of funny business, but to go on a full witch hunt and start testing kids or making any unfounded accusations is not warranted at this point and has the potential to royally screw things up. 

She has some sex drive going at the moment and they are reconnecting sexually after several years of sexual drought. If her return of libido causes him to accuse her of infidelity, that door may slam shut immediately and he'd be right back in the sexual wasteland again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I disagree with some of what you said oldshirt. 

If I’m not mistaken your wife might have been in this sort of mood when you “changed” your point of view. You started letting you wife sleep with others to keep her from leaving I think is how you put it in a post. 

There are not so many that are willing or able to do what you did. I don’t believe Ceystra could do what you have. 

There are many red flags with what your wife is saying. Even with her being honest with you you have to be concerned about it. Like you said Ceystra, it’s scary that she is ready to go out and sleep with another man today if you are ok with it. Also that she doesn’t care if you sleep with other women, actually giving you the green light on that. Just a complete disconnect between you two in this regard.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I disagree with some of what you said oldshirt.
> 
> If I’m not mistaken your wife might have been in this sort of mood when you “changed” your point of view. You started letting you wife sleep with others to keep her from leaving I think is how you put it in a post.
> 
> ...


You are quite mistaken. That is completely and absolutely *FALSE*. I never said that I let my wife get with others to keep her from leaving and I would never advise anyone to do so.

It is true that my wife and I were active swingers for several years but that is something that we did together as a couple as a mutual choice. It was absolutely not about giving her a Hall Pass to keep her from leaving. 

I did state earlier in this thread that my wife was put on testosterone thereapy for awhile following a uterine abalation. 

She was hornier than a 3-balled billy goat for a number of months while she was receiving the hormones and we did swing during that period. But we had already been active in the swinging lifestyle for several years prior to that episode.

The swinging and the hormonal therapy were not actually related in our situation.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Oldshirt wrote, * However all bets are off when you are dealing with serious depression. As this dates back to their first child, this could have even been triggered by a serious case of post-partum depression which can even lead to psychosis. *

However depression is also common when an affair ends and the affair partner has to deal with the emptiness they feel when that intense and seemingly unconditional love dies. 

I think my W took about a year or two after OM1 to come to accept that they had no chance of getting back together, I suspect OM1 getting married was the trigger for that acceptance. The acceptance seemed to be followed by depression however. 

Tamat


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Oldshirt wrote, * However all bets are off when you are dealing with serious depression. As this dates back to their first child, this could have even been triggered by a serious case of post-partum depression which can even lead to psychosis. *
> 
> However depression is also common when an affair ends and the affair partner has to deal with the emptiness they feel when that intense and seemingly unconditional love dies.
> 
> ...


Any time someone shows a significant change in behavior in the bedroom or in interrelating with their spouse the first step in looking into a medical/psychological issue, then a relationship issue and then ruling out 3rd party involvement. 

In this instance it is prudent for him to thoroughly investigate the possibility of another man. Looking into phone records, hacking her computers, checking her phone, looking into any unexplained or suspicious absences etc is justified. 

However if an honest and sincere investigation is turning up nothing, then one needs to move on. When you hear 'clippity clop clippity clop" coming down the street - look for horses rather than zebras. 

The problem with jumping into full affair-busting mode and testing children or making any unsubstantiated accusations is you can create trust problems and create relationship problems where none existed previously. And since she has had a resurgence of libido and things have picked up in the bedroom, he would run the risk of ruining her current interest in sex if he is going to be testing children and blaming her sexuality on infidelity.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> You are quite mistaken. That is completely and absolutely *FALSE*. I never said that I let my wife get with others to keep her from leaving and I would never advise anyone to do so.
> 
> It is true that my wife and I were active swingers for several years but that is something that we did together as a couple as a mutual choice. It was absolutely not about giving her a Hall Pass to keep her from leaving.
> 
> ...


I could of sworn the you said you were scared she might leave. Sorry about that I will look up what I misread.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I could of sworn the you said you were scared she might leave. Sorry about that I will look up what I misread.


Yes please do. 

You either have me confused with another poster or I have a very serious typo or misprint or something because I have never said anything remotely indicating that I gave my wife a hall pass to keep her from leaving. 

We did swing for a number of years but it never had anything to do with either of us fearing the other would leave if not allowed to hook up with others. It was an activity we shared together as a couple.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Her sex drive is up and full- throttle AND she wants sex with other people.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Skydiving is exciting!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

If divorce is out of the question, an open marriage may be a solution. Anyone who has been married for decades knows that marriages go thru cycles. In the marriage in this case were it appears the wife is open to swinging or sex with others ....why not......as I read these various pasts and suggestions I find myself changing my point of view in some areas. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

I have absolutely no reason to believe my wife has ever cheated on me. A lot of problems we have had seem that way from an outside point of view, I have even thought it was a possibility. We were married for 2 weeks and found out she was 1 month pregnant, we used condoms and did not want to have a kid, but it happened. There is no way she cheated on me during that time bc at time of conception we were both out of work and we were never apart. Her sex drive was at least 3 gears above over drive during her whole pregnancy, after our kid was born and we had to wait after to do stuff it again, her sex drive never came back. During the 5 year time she was put on 2 different antidepressants, and was once diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on a mood stabilizer. All 3 times her sex drive returned but she quit taking all 3 of the medications around a month or so each time and caused hell in our marriage from her mind going back to current state from before the medication. We had 4 days without our kid this week and we both feel like we have completely reconnected on many different levels. We are communicating better then ever before, being more open, honest, and understanding of each others feelings then ever before. She isn't pushing an open relationship, or swinging relationship on me, I think it could be fun and maybe one day we might try it. We both agreed that our relationship could be stronger and right now we are putting all of our time into that. If we ever do dabble in that life style a little it will be a decision we both make. She still says she would like to, but she doesn't need to, and agrees that our relationship needs to be stronger than really strong before thinking of doing anything like that. We got married a little too young. We were 19 and apparently she was pregnant when we got married as I said earlier, we both felt ready bc we were best friends several years before even dating. We got married too soon and both know that, but neither one of us would change that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

sounds like a plan. Up the frequency of the sex. Up the kinkiness of the sex. But also do other non sexual bonding things....like take a walk in the woods and have a picnic lunch with wine, do an impromptu overnight to Las Vegas to see a show, rent a quiet weekend gettaway up in ski country. The more bonding things you do, the more you both will sexually crave each other later...

A long marriage WILL have changes to both of you happen....its how you respond to those changes that determines if it will still be fun going forward.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Knowing I had used condoms all the time. 

I would have quietly DNA tested the child after the birth. It could have been done with out her knowing. Just for peace of mind.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

Trust me, the kid is mine, there is no denying that. We had a lot of them break, and I'm sure we could have been more careful.


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## Ceysta (Nov 19, 2017)

We had several days without our kid at home, so we upped the frequency. For the next couple of days we have decided not to do anything sexually and focus more on connection, and bonding with each other in other ways, day one is done and it went pretty well. We are going to see how long we can last. With her being depressed we have kinda pushed away from each other. So it went from that to a lot of kinky stuff pretty quickly. We are trying to slow down, and just talk. It kinda feels like getting to know someone all over again. I love her, and always have, but being married to someone that is depressed all the time and nothing seems to work is hard. For awhile I felt like it was me, most of the time I tried to help her but I do admit I distanced myself from her too. We lost connection somewhere on the way. We are trying to rebuild in every aspect. We have done this at least one other time, I got busy with work, she got busy with school, and work. We didn't communicate well and just drifted apart. We fixed that by being honest, open, and communicating. She was on antidepressants when that happened. When she is not on antidepressants it's impossible to get her to do any of it. She says she just feels bad, and don't want to talk, and it's not me, she just isn't happy and don't know why and don't want to listen when I say she needs medicine. Some reason she absolutely has to be on antidepressants to function normally. We had drifted apart and it takes 2 people to fix that not just 1, now that she is on this medicine (hopefully the right one this time) I think we can get back to where we were before. It's going to take a lot of work but we are prepared for that. We both felt like just bc her sex drive was back she was good again, but there have been a lot of things lacking between us other then that. We both love each other, and don't want to lose each other but we have to fall in love again, and we are close to that but not quite there. We have never not loved each other but have fell in love with one another sever times. Thanks for all the comments and kind words. You all have helped me figure this out, I'm still not 100% sure what's wrong but I do feel like we are on the right path.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ceysta said:


> We had several days without our kid at home, so we upped the frequency. For the next couple of days we have decided not to do anything sexually and focus more on connection, and bonding with each other in other ways, day one is done and it went pretty well. We are going to see how long we can last. With her being depressed we have kinda pushed away from each other. So it went from that to a lot of kinky stuff pretty quickly. We are trying to slow down, and just talk. It kinda feels like getting to know someone all over again. I love her, and always have, but being married to someone that is depressed all the time and nothing seems to work is hard. For awhile I felt like it was me, most of the time I tried to help her but I do admit I distanced myself from her too. We lost connection somewhere on the way. We are trying to rebuild in every aspect. We have done this at least one other time, I got busy with work, she got busy with school, and work. We didn't communicate well and just drifted apart. We fixed that by being honest, open, and communicating. She was on antidepressants when that happened. When she is not on antidepressants it's impossible to get her to do any of it. She says she just feels bad, and don't want to talk, and it's not me, she just isn't happy and don't know why and don't want to listen when I say she needs medicine. *Some reason she absolutely has to be on antidepressants to function normally.* We had drifted apart and it takes 2 people to fix that not just 1, now that she is on this medicine (hopefully the right one this time) I think we can get back to where we were before. It's going to take a lot of work but we are prepared for that. We both felt like just bc her sex drive was back she was good again, but there have been a lot of things lacking between us other then that. We both love each other, and don't want to lose each other but we have to fall in love again, and we are close to that but not quite there. We have never not loved each other but have fell in love with one another sever times. Thanks for all the comments and kind words. You all have helped me figure this out, I'm still not 100% sure what's wrong but I do feel like we are on the right path.


That hurt to read. I think she needs counseling to see why this is. If it is a chemical imbalance that the meds correct is one thing. If it is something that has happened in the past affecting her now is something that has to be worked through. 

Hope you can get her some help with this.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@Cyesta

I've read your whole thread. I think there is a lot of hope for your relationship and you will get the sex life you want.

This is just my take...but you should start just taking the lead in any and all "adventures" you and your wife mutually have. Here is a suggested outline of what I'm thinking would work for you:

1. Tell her you are going to take the lead in this sexual adventure and to just trust you and wait and see what happens. Tell her she can tell you about her fantasies, but that you are strictly in charge of what actually happens in reality. Tell her that she's been reading too much crap about this stuff, and you are in charge now, not random internet articles.

2. Tell her that there is absolutely NO WAY you are going to share her with ANYONE and hold her tight and make her repeat that to you. "There's no way you will share me with ANYONE." Tell her she's a good girl after she says it, and drop it.

3. Tell her she is no longer allowed to watch porn without you. Tell her that watching it together will be a fun way to talk about fantasies and act them out, at least mentally. Tell her to pull up what she has been watching and be transparent with you. Watch it with her and ask her to talk about what she thinks is hot. Share your own porn favorites with her and do the same. Have lots of raunchy sex after each time you do this and talk dirty to each other...while still holding the line of "no other people in reality"

(a side note....my bf likes to talk about multiple guys screwing me at the same time and how much I "would love it" while we are having sex sometimes....this is purely fantasy and we both know for certain that neither of us wants anyone else in the bedroom with us...so it is safe for him to say these things to me during sex because we both know it is just fantasy...perhaps you can work in some verbal play during sex with your wife that keeps this type of distance between fantasy and reality and is still very fun...I have literally never fantasized about being gang banged in my life, but when my bf talks dirty like this sometimes I'm like wow! that sounds to fun right now! It is only through the lens of fantasy that I can enjoy this, and I never would without his prompting.)

4. After getting this far, take her to a strip club. Not with other friends, just you and her. Be free and fun, act like nothing bad could happen, but keep her close to your hip with your arm on her waist. Let her know constantly that you are here with HER, that no one else gets a piece of HER, and that if you two jointly pay attention to the dancers it is all in fun and no one is going home with anyone else. Again...be free and fun and have confidence that this won't suddenly turn into a 3some with a stripper, because YOU have already told her that YOU are in charge.

5. If you get really good at this and no hard feelings and no one is still talking about adding other people into your bedroom...then you could even try taking her to a sex club - - with the intention of just looking. Depending on where you live, most big cities have at least one sex club. I have been to one twice...first time just observed what was going on, second time made out with some people I went to the club with but did not have sex with anyone or whatever. Both times it was just fun and exhilarating, but I was tempted by NOTHING. There were no people or couples that would have even remotely enticed me into being sexual with them (I was single at the time and there with friends/dates). Yet I felt alive and zany just being there, and the experience made me feel like I accomplished something - - something like just being adult enough to watch people have sex in the big sex room without snickering. It is an interesting environment that I think most people would enjoy at least just once, if they felt safe. I had the advantage of feeling very safe (wouldn't have gone otherwise) and therefore could truly check it out without fear. The reason I'm bringing it up in your situation is that I think if you and your wife could get through the strip club stuff and still be having fun, you could easily take it to this "exciting, risky" next move and it would provide lots of great sex for the two of you afterwards, as you talk about how interesting it all was - - the good and the bad. It also shows you what is "out there" as far as other potential partners if you ever did open up the relationship....and speaking only from my own experience, what I saw "out there" made me feel like "oh yeah no thanks."


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