# the hard way



## rukind (Mar 31, 2014)

The hard way.

There is a God, and He is good. Not everything works together for the good, He doesn't make all things beautiful in this life, and He is not an ever-present help in time of need. Sometimes you just suffer and die. If you can't hold these contradictions in tension I don't think you've gone very deep or been completely honest, or really allowed yourself to feel. Not that I blame you, actually I envy.

I thought the story of my life, the theme or tagline, was going to be one of redeption, love prevailing all things, seeing people, healing, comfort, dancing on graves, blah, blah. Nope, it's porn. Out of all that I am, and have done, and have thought and said and prayed - that is what my life has come to be about, that is what matters.

I have two things to offer - one to men, and one to women. They only pertain to a select few.

I have struggled with porn my whole life. At this point I have no choice but to admit that, despite the fact there have been (relatively) few times where I actually watched it. I know there are many men who struggle with it, many more who don't because they've already succumb to believing it's no big deal / decided they just don't care / or given up and accepted they can't change. There are a few who don't struggle with it. And then there are a few who's struggle with it is far deeper and more twisted than most can imagine - a few for whom "accepting the truth" or believing it boils down to x,y or z will never address or heal the real issues. It is only to the latter, and the women who may love them that I write.


Men:
You are ashamed. Sincerely. Yet part of you isn't. The first stage is pride - "but I would never ..." or "it doesn't mean ...". After you get through that or see past it, then you start to test things in your mind, try to seperate truth from lie. If you're twisted like me you also play head games with yourself. You eventually get so sick of the whole issue you try to just ignore anything to do with it. But you can't - not just because your flesh is weak (that part is easy once you see past your pride) but because you can't rectify the contradictions. Then there are all the voices - the "playing down" of the world. Your own: condenming, justifying, earnest questions, attempts at self-psychoanalysis. The voice of the church - which points out pieces of the truth but is undermined by bigotry and what it does not admit. You have the uncruciable horror of knowing what your wife would or does feel, and the lies... The other voices of all sorts attempting to be rational. Through it all what you want is the Truth, the "voice of God" - and to be free.

Let me offer you this: if you are a man, and have a sense of what it means to really be one - you will have been forced to face some harsh realities already. Unjust, sad, truths of this life.  If you have a spirit within that longs to do the right thing even if it will cost you everything, if honor is part of your core - hear this and let it ring true (if for no other reason than that you know it comes from a man who has nothing to gain by telling you): IT DOESN'T MATTER what is or isn't in your heart, IT DOESN'T MATTER what others in other situations or relationships have or don't have, IT DOESN'T MATTER where your struggles are rooted or how complex your issues may be, IT DOESN'T MATTER what truths or 1/2 truths surrounding it you may have seen - the truth you need to face is that one way or the other you know it's wrong (how wrong, what kind of wrong, what exactly is or isn't DOESN'T MATTER) and trust me on this - unless you find a way to let it all go you are going to loose the only thing you've ever wanted - the person you love. If you have made the mistake of thinking marraige is an even playing field, that if you really love her and would do anything for her that eventually that kind of love will have to prevail and eclipse your sin, that there is time and grace to get through things together, that someday she will see your sin for what it was and not what it wasn't, or that God would not allow a true love to die - YOU ARE SADLY MISTAKEN and will find yourself living a greater hell than you could fathom.

Women (again, only to the latter of the list):
There is such a thing as real love, and there are men worthy of your heart and body. They are rare, granted. You have one. But what you do with your heart, judgments, self-protection - there is also self-fulfilling prophecy, and what you believe will change what you see... and even change reality or what happens in some cases. You (women) may be better at it as a whole, but you are not the only ones that "sense" things. Even if you can never rectify two opposing truths about your husband, you only need an honest look at yourself - how things you can say & do can be the exact opposite of what you mean or want - to recognize that you cannot see everything from the outside.


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