# I just don't understand...



## hajensen24 (Jul 26, 2007)

Hi all.... I know you are all going through your own issues and apologize for airing out mine, but if anyone has some insight on my this may be happening, I would greatly appreciate it.

Where should I start? My husband and I seperated 5 months ago. We both mutually agreed we were not getting along and discussed a seperation/divorce. Since then things have been up and down and we have caused eachother a great deal or pain with spiteful actions and words. About a little over amonth ago, I started seeing someone else after having it repeadely pounded into my head that my husband wanted me to move on and stop bothering him about our relationship. I was open wiht him and told him I was seeing someone and he seemed fine with it. A week after, I moved out of our home (he was already moved out for 4 months) with my 2 young boys. This day was horrible, I was too wrapped up in my own emotional stress to realize that my husband may being going through his own emotions. To top it off, I had the guy I was seeing there, hoping it would be a positive distraction for me, but it put my husband through hell... I admit, it was really messed up of me... and I was so sorry for the additional pain I cause my husband... and had apologize to him and his family a couple of times.

However, this "situation" made my husband think about where we were and he "paniced" and admitted, after a few drunken angry voice mails from my husband and fighting with him the next day on the phone... my husband admitted he still loved me and really just wanted us to work on things. I had a VERY uneasy feleing about this, but contimplated it. I told the guy I was seeing everything, and he gave me space. I attempted to put myself half into working on things because I was scared my husband and I were going to fell into the same routine, I was not over the pain (and either was her) and I did not trust his "feelings" due to the timing of this confession. There were some changes that I felt we would both need to make before we could move forwrd (him stop drinking, me allowing myself to become more confident and open to his needs) BEFORE we could move forward together so I told him it was not going to work out at this time.

Obviously, my husband was hurt and lashed out at me and "hated" me. I then became defensive and decided he can go "screw himself" and I was moving on with my life whether he liked it or not. I felt that if he REALLY cared and wanted to work on it he would understand and see my insecurities and give us time and space to improve what we neededto as individuals in order to hopefully eventually move forward together.

THEN, one weekend I get some more drunken message from my husband asking me why his childhood friend does not call him anymore. He was accussing me of actions because he saw that this friend (who did eventually become a mutual friend of both of ours over the years) at my house Memorial Day weekend. He then stated friends of ours told him I was with this guy and that he knows the truth and I do not need to admit anything...etc. Keep in mind this same friend did not talke to my husband for a month or so before we seperated and my husband stated he did not want to see this person anymore due to some "differences"... and when I did talk to this person they said they don't like the way my husband has treated him lately, ever since a drunken fight they both had, and did not really care to be friends with him anymore... but with all that my husband was going through I was not going to tell him this and make things worse.

However, the nedxt Monday my husband claims he wants to be friendly for the sake of the kids and he just feels lost, alone and is hurt because he lost me... and he never really means to lash out at me and hurt me, but it happens and I should know how sincere he is. This same day he goes to the hospital for chest pains (they said it was probably an anxiety attack) and I go there to see him. We talked alot and both concluded that we still care for one another and we want to both stop hurting each other and playing these childish games.

Now over this past week we have gone back and forth talkinf things out and planning how we would work on things, etc. I really started to believe his sincerity because when he looked at me in the hospital I saw the love in his eyes. Well, up until last night, when my husband came for the boys, I thought things were going smoothly and was anticipating the possible future and positive changes we were going to make for ourselves and each other. I even reached out to a couple of family counselors in a neautral area for us. But, when he got the kids, he was a jerk to me and was in a rush to leave. I knew he was in traffic but did not think he needed to treat me like that. Within minutes he texted me that his dad was ill, in the hospital and non responsive. This broke my heart and I offered to be there for him and help with the kids this weekend so he could have his time if he needed it. All I got back was a nasty attitude. 

Finally, today I tried t ocommunicate the same thing to him and he just lashed out at me... he bsaically told me that he does not want or need my help and that he does not care to heard from me anymore today. He brought up his friend again and advised me he was asking himself why he even wants to try with me with all the pain I caused him. 

I just do not understand it. I know people will go back and forth with concerns and insecurities, but he caused me pain too... he pounded it into my head that he did not want me and wanted me to move on for 4 months straight, he gave me attitude, he drunk called me and harrassed me and my fmaily on many occassions, he said insulting hurtful things to me, he trashed my bedroom (wasted) in the beginning of the seperation... but none of that counts? And how is it my fault everything he is going through? If you do want to work on a relationship, why do you insist on beating down on the person and then trying to make up for it... time and time agian? And am I am idiot for still not knowing if I want a divorce and throw my hands in the air, or turn my back on him?

Please... I am sorry this is so long... but if anyone has any insight, please share. I know we both messed up... I know we both purposely and subconsciously destroyed each other in many ways... but I don't know why it has to continue. 

Desperately seeking some insight.... Thanks.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I am known for my honesty apologies in advance.

There really isn't anything to understand. Your husband is jealous, and is actually looking for control over you as he probably did during the marriage. this is what he would like to have you interpret as love and what he thinks is love, but it isn't healthy and he hasn't changed, unless he's been seeing a therapist with an eye toward making your marriage better...and I haven't seen too much of that.

It's time you moved ahead with your plans. Your soon to be ex husband will keep trying to yank your chain with these drunken communications and will poke around to find ways to make you feel worse about yourself as punishment for your taking your life back. Don't give his feelings a second thought. He is thinking about himself enough for 20 people.

Move ahead, feel good, and be rid of him!


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## JustMe (Jul 30, 2007)

Not trying to be hurtful, but I agree with SageMother. I think first and foremost, he needs to get his drinking under control. It seems there is alot going on emotionally with him, but that is NO EXCUSE for him to treat you badly. You have offered to be there for him with his father's health problems and he pushed you away. What more are you supposed to do?? Of course you would like things to work out with him, but he has to put some (ALOT of) effort into that too. Sounds like it's time to 'dust off your britches' and stand on your own two feet. You've dealt with an awful lot so far, and SURVIVED! Good for you! Keep going forward. You'll make it!


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