# Honest opinions ladies and gents



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Story: im 30, married 9 years with 2 kids 5 and 4. This year after trying many times i got into medical school.
Med school has been my goal for a while, since before i met wife. Currently it allows me, thru a combinations of generous grants and very generous scholarships, my ex work pension and loans to fully and generously support/provide for my family.

School is a lot of work 10 hours a day currently, sometime 12 hours... I work hard during weekdays to have weekends off. When i get home i give wife a break from Kids, i clean up dishes from dinner, often input kids to sleep when inmake it home on time, every moring i make my breakfest but i make extra eggs knowing kids and wife will have food ready when they wake up. I wake up at 545 for school. I empty dishwasher to help get her day going. 
I feel i do as much as i can at home and i support family so she doesnt have to work and all needs (food, clothes, etc...) are met. 

Should i be doing more? Seems like we r arguing more and she often says she needs more help around house. I try to do additional cleaning on weekend... But i meed a break on weekdays after 10-12 hours of school which is a pretty intense day, back to back classes, labs, case studies and studying!

I dont feel more should be expected..: when im at home im a full time dad, always ask how my wife day went, listen to her, address her feeleing and needs... It just always comes down to tasks that need doing! And i feel she doesnt realize what i am doing every day IS work!

Opinions please... Am i out of line, is she, ???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

With your wife being a stay-at-home-mom, the children and household duties should be her responsibility. It sounds as though you are doing plenty around the house. You are correct; school is now "work" for you. Honestly, your wife should be making life easier for you around the house so that you can concentrate on school. It's for her benefit too.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Medical school is tough. 

Is she complaining about you not doing enough?


----------



## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Waw,I am surprised to hear that you do breakfast ?? And for them wow,help with dishes ?? Are you kidding me,with my part time job at home,and taking care of the 2 kids my husband has never shoveld snow,or mowed the loan,clean the house or take kids to doctor appointment, school work ,volunteering ,shopping,you name it.it's all my duty while he have to take care of financial issues.that the norm and in your case 12 hours is exhausting enough to have any extra chores around home.the question is how many years can you cope with that? Are you strong enough to go all the way,you should have all her support.afriend of our his wife was so much help during his degree with 3 kids around she was there for him,after he achieved his goal and make lots of money she say it was worth it very happy couple I wish you the same down the road stay positive and be strong good luck


----------



## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

Per the 5 love languages, you should really analyze what she's saying she wants more of. Sounds like either she's rebelling because she wants more quality time or she feels loved by acts of service.

You may solve some issues by simply substituting some of the things you called out with things that address the core of her complaints...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi
Thanks for the opinions. Ive posted on here before, but just wanted to get opinions...
I do feel i do alot but wasnt sure its enough. Everyone always thi ks they are doing lots but an outside opinions is sometimes helpful. I 

We will have a talk today about responsibilities as well as free time that each of us needs. I really want to help around house but definitly want to put my foot down when she starts wanting me to do "things" after school at 8-9 pm. I need that time to unwind thru conversation, a dinner, etc... Not scrubbing toilet! 

One things thats difficult is if i even mention that i "support" our family financially, i get backlash big time! But its true...i dont get it and dont know how to even approach the conversation of responsibilities and my role of provider because if i do thatll trigger an argument or whatever... 

I guess one thing is that what we each do is not comparable... I mean you cannot compare cleaning with watching kids or paying bills with cooking they arr all tasks that need doing but hard to compare therefore equalize... So i feel, thru her words and actions, that my contributions of financial support and studying to have a satisfying and stable job in Future are not viewed as being equal to taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning...so when im at home now i need to almost make up for my absence! Thats what i feel truly but she wont say... Just says she needs help?

Im really clueless bow to approach the division of tasks conversation tonight. Also how to approach the personal time issue. We each need time for ourselves but i feel as though. In the past she has said that she needs a break and goes to gyn etc... But im never asked if i need personal time to pursue something id like to do. Ive never asked because times short, i like spending time with kids, but id like to phrsue a personal interest which i would need 2 hours every week or two, fortunetly i have a couple breaks in my day to go to the gym to keep my sanity and health in check... But this soort of thing has the possibility to really bad for my health....

Any ideas how i can approach all this... Am i still within reason?
Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your family is being supported by your previous work pension and your financial arrangements regarding school. You are putting in an effort 10-12 hours a day so that your life long dream can be fullfilled and that your family will have a secure life.
In addition you do some domestic home chores to help your wife and children

*Your wife is either selfish, has resentments, has self image problems, or is not able for some reason to realize that you are doing a good job of providing for your family now and are preparing for the future*. What you are doing is sufficient and you should not back down.

My guess would be that there are a lot of women that would like to have you for a husband.

*



Any ideas how I can approach all this

Click to expand...

*I would first try with diplomacy to reason with her and if she holds to the position you have described then I would tell her that you are not about to change anything; that you are going to continue to support the family now and keep preparing for the future. *Tell her that you are going to continue to sacrifice for the family and that you expect her to do the same and if she insists on causing problems in this area that you will have to look at your options and adjust accordingly.*


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks!! Its unreal to me how your answers all seem to indicate that im not wrong...and i do t get why my wife doesnt see it this way even a bit!

I will approach this tonight with some confidence and diplomacy!

To add to this, her young sister is here staying with us from her country and I am also providing her with shelter, food, and when we go out for dinner or drinks... I pay that bill too! And my wife makes these sorts of comment of needing help and me not doing enough right in fron of her younger sister (18 yrs old) ... Drives me nuts and i have already talked to her about it... Dont know if it has helped. I feel the help she needs could partly come from her sister since she lives with us and "part " of the family she could take on part of the responsibilities! Once again this is a trigger for a potential aguemwnt by my wife who is protective of her little sister... Wow this sounds like a conflict zone in Our house
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

maybe acts of service is not her love language. Being a SAHM is often a tiring thankless job. Maybe she just needs to be appreciated or needs some quality time with you.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

happysnappy said:


> maybe acts of service is not her love language. Being a SAHM is often a tiring thankless job. Maybe she just needs to be appreciated or needs some quality time with you.


I have that covered as well and put our relationship as a priority! I have over the past year and a half work very hard at our marriage. I make dates, plans for vacations arrange baby sitter etc... Its actually me who feels thankless... She very rarely makes plans for us, initiates sex lets say, and i have been trying to talk about an escape to cancun in feb but it seems like she doesnt wanna discuss it ! I just dont know... Maybe the beginning of the end... I cannot be the door mat and have my needs ( adult time, sex, family relax time) not met for the rest of my life ! Still too young for that ... So frustrating!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thehusband2 said:


> To add to this, her young sister is here staying with us from her country and I am also providing her with shelter, food, and when we go out for dinner or drinks... I pay that bill too! And my wife makes these sorts of comment of needing help and me not doing enough right in fron of her younger sister (18 yrs old) ... Drives me nuts and i have already talked to her about it... Dont know if it has helped. I feel the help she needs could partly come from her sister since she lives with us and "part " of the family she could take on part of the responsibilities! Once again this is a trigger for a potential aguemwnt by my wife who is protective of her little sister... Wow this sounds like a conflict zone in Our house:


This is what I think.... your wife is an "Acts of Service " woman...meaning she feels LOVED by you helping her around the house... some of that could be at Play here... and she is very spoiled and pampered, having zero idea of how the world really works and all you are doing for her & the family. 

She is not pulling her weight..and I agree, her sister should he helping. I can't imagine going to someone's house and not trying to earn my keep somehow, that is just common courtesy ....can you talk to the sister somehow. A shame this subject even needs brought open. 

This goes back to how we raise our kids I think ... to Do our part and be the best helpmate we can be... it's called "*Interdependence*" - so each partner pulls their own WEIGHT in the marriage, so neither is a BURDEN... your wife is being a BURDEN to you...

What is she doing with her time all day - to need your help?

She needs to learn some Multitasking skills - for sure.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your wife is not working? I think you are doing enough. Most women put in eight hours a day, take care of the kids, and the house.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is what I think.... your wife is an "Acts of Service " woman...meaning she feels LOVED by you helping her around the house... some of that could be at Play here... and she is very spoiled and pampered, having zero idea of how the world really works and all you are doing for her & the family.
> 
> She is not pulling her weight..and I agree, her sister should he helping. I can't imagine going to someone's house and not trying to earn my keep somehow, that is just common courtesy ....can you talk to the sister somehow. A shame this subject even needs brought open.
> 
> ...


Well her sister does things though i dont what they are... She helps my wife with watching one of the kids if my wife is in a pinch and is late to pick up one of the kids... But tasks that are scheduled forget it! She takes out garbage sometimes.

Maybe thats one of her love languages but theres a high bar and from experience i can do lots and it WILL NOT be acknowledged! 

I will attempt a talk but she may turn around and like in the past not want to talk about it! Its is ludacrous that she can explode and say these things but then not want to work on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

happysnappy said:


> maybe acts of service is not her love language. Being a SAHM is often a tiring thankless job. Maybe she just needs to be appreciated or needs some quality time with you.


IF she wants "*quality time*" with him, she will bust her butt to get things done at home BEFORE he walks through that door....so they can relax a little - enjoy each other...and some time for the children. 

We still have 5 kids at home.... I am a SAHM (with a few side jobs every week)... I do everything I can possibly do - so my husband doesn't have to lift a finger...that includes all cleaning, cooking, laundry, all the mundane stuff.. so when he hits that door... he can ...spend time with ME, with the kids, or get to any of those MANLY projects that I can't do....working on the car, broken stuff around the house, chainsawing / snowplowing , etc. 

No way in this world would I ask him to help me with my stuff... that would be cutting into OUR TIME...I'd be mad at myself if I did that. 

I seriously doubt this husband would treat her as if what she is doing is a "thankless Job"... this depends on the man I suppose, he is just asking that she does HER PART... after all, this could affect his performance in Medical School & their very future .... He needs HER support and help here! 

My husband has always made me feel very "valuable"... I also handle all the bills, scheduling, $$, researching and still find time for TAM (too much time)... Him & the kids would be lost without MOM.... So yeah...it is important that the man supports his wife & validates her too.......

IN this man's situation though... She is clearly NOT pulling her weight. The scales are just not balanced.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

So i confirmed with my wife that we will talk after kids sleep. She also added that 80% of things arent tasks that can be written down... They r things like picking up my socks or bringing garbage bin ipstairs back to bathroom.

Im thinking im not going to get anywhere here. Im not perfect, yes i may leave my socks on floor in morning instead of putting them in to dirty basket but not always! I dont track what i do or when i forget and i also dont track things she doesnt do! I just dont care! But she apparently does but these things are impossible to track so she can easily say i dont do this and i just cant argue that! Or can try but will get nowhere! Wtf 

Really! No one is perfect and i never make even a comment when lights left on or she leaves her shoes upstairs or doesnt prewash dishes well because our dishwasher isnt that good and food doesnt wash off! Omg there r millions of things that we do different and now im finding its these things that need doing?

Now i need advice when this sort of thing comes up later!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

One idea.... just listen to her. Ask her what she wants, repeat it back to her so that she feels HEARD. 

If it's ridiculous, or if you think this conversation is going poorly.... then it's ok to say that you want to think about how to compromise. And ask her to think about a solution also, and that you can talk about it again tomorrow. 

You don't have to get stuck in a circular argument, or a non-productive discussion. If it is looking that crappy, suggest marriage counseling, so that you two can learn to communicate and compromise...and make life better/easier for each other.

Then, pick up your socks.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Hire a housekeeper to come in a couple times a week.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Well the conversation didnt go well... I listened but just dont get it and dont feel valued myself. She said the lists and schedules wont work because it is just about caring. Alright i asked what she meant. When ther is something on floor pick it up, etcc.... More tasks. Her day doesnt end at 8pm why should mine. So if i come at 8 i should be ready and happy to work. I mean im happy to bath kids and spend time with them but really not in mood to cut veggies and meat, to sweep... And i already usually do the stack of dishes in sink thats there about 50 % of time... Meanwhile getting up earlier to empty dishwasher snd cook extra brkfest wasnt even mentioned by her. You know ... She see socks on grou d but not a brewed pot if coffee, scrambled eggs empty sink and dishwasher ready to go! 
This is endless... There are millions of things to get do e if thats how its looked at. 

Im screwed!

I said i was underthe impression that if she's at home she would do those things. Simply because im not there. Her answer was 1) she needs help and its not fair, 2) she doesnt want to be a sahm, so shell look for pt time job. Ok but till now???

She said i dont care because basically i dont do certain things... Its weird because i do other things that i feel show i care and those arent acknowledged... Family finances, enrolled kids in class, got reduced rate ymca passs, and want family time, trying to organize vacation for the 2 of us, but that doesnt count... Im Actually depressed and lost and dont know what to do... Anything id is not enough and the things i dont like the organization of my underwear drawer is what shows my caring((((((

On top of it... Im a jerk for mentioning during a similar conversation 2 months ago that i support family financially! Wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> In the past she has said that she needs a break and goes to gyn etc... But im never asked if i need personal time to pursue something id like to do. Ive never asked because times short, i like spending time with kids, but id like to phrsue a personal interest which i would need 2 hours every week or two, fortunetly i have a couple breaks in my day to go to the gym to keep my sanity and health in check... But this soort of thing has the possibility to really bad for my health....


You going to med school *is *a pursuit of a personal interest of yours. Being with two young children 24/7 is relentless and she does need a break. 

How about figuring out a way she can get to the gym 3 days a week (if that is what she likes as a break to unwind)? Hire a babysitter if you have to for those few hours a week (or trade babysitting with another family).


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Does she do the laundry? Tell her leave your laundry right where you drop it and let it pile up to the moon till you notice and take care of it. Only things in the hamper get washed. This way she doesn't waste any energy picking up after you and nursing resentment.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Thehusband2 said:


> She also added that 80% of things arent tasks that can be written down... They r things like picking up my socks or bringing garbage bin ipstairs back to bathroom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Things that can't be written down? I don't think so. My humble recommendation is for both of you to independently write a list of every thing that needs to be done in order to run your household and who you think should be doing it. When your individual lists are complete, sit down and look at both lists together.

Regarding your wife's examples above, I put both those tasks under "general picking up" which I find is best done before going to bed for the night.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> So if i come at 8 i should be ready and happy to work. I mean im happy to bath kids and spend time with them but really not in mood to cut veggies and meat, to sweep... And i already usually do the stack of dishes in sink thats there about 50 % of time... Meanwhile getting up earlier to empty dishwasher snd cook extra brkfest wasnt even mentioned by her. You know ... She see socks on grou d but not a brewed pot if coffee, scrambled eggs empty sink and dishwasher ready to go!


If I was in your shoes doing all that with no appreciation, I'd stop doing it. She might not like the huge breakfast deal at 6am. Maybe she would rather sleep in? Ask her. Pouring cereal from a box is easy for them and she can make her own coffee. 

If it was me, I'd like you loading the dishwasher and running it, but I'd want to stop the breakfast ordeal. And I'd stop doing your laundry unless you got it in the proper place for dirty laundry. I'd leave it right where you dropped it.

But you have to ask her what she likes and doesn't.

ETA: occurs to me that you cooking might leave a big kitchen mess too? I love paper plates- cuts down on dishes.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> . . . . School is a lot of work *10 hours *a day currently, sometime *12 hours*... I work hard during weekdays to have weekends off. . . . _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure what year you are but you both realize it (time) is going to get a lot worse before it gets better?


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> she doesnt want to be a sahm, so shell look for pt time job


That might help. Probably won't net much financially but will get her out of the house and the loneliness from lack of adult company.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> trying to organize vacation for the 2 of us


I think Marriage Help Program For Couples would be more constructive than Cancun.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

What is wrong with people?

My wife is busting her **s at school right now. She does NOTHING at home unless she chooses too. I look after EVERYTHING so she can be TOTALLY focused on her studies. I work too! She wants to graduate with honours and after year two is well on her way. She also gives great credit to me for busting my **s so she can get there! I built her an office on the second floor, so she can have peace and quiet when she gets home to study more! When I was working 80+ hrs a week, I didn't worry about the house at all, she looked after it. 

I just don't get it...Your in MED school and trying to build a future for your family! Does she not "get" this!? Gezzus, tell her to "suck it up" is my opinion...

Rant over...


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She needs to be doing most of the work considering she's a sahm and you're in medical school busting your a$$ for a better future. Either she's a selfish entitled princess or she's too stupid to understand the importance of your education/future career.

It also appears you're too much of a nice guy, or a doormat as some call it. I suggest you real the following books/blogs when you get a chance.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Alpha Game
Chateau Heartiste


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think she sounds like she's unhappy with her life. Boredom is a huge relationship killer! She probably feels like cleaning up dirty socks is beneath her, and if she feels that way, then yes, she should get out there and get a job doing something that doesn't leave her feeling undervalued. It's not YOUR job to fix that, TYH.

One thing you can do with her is to highlight that your relationship is more important than the dirty socks on the floor, and that you expect her to put the relationship first by honoring you as a man who is preparing the best possible future for his family. 

You can also ask her why she seems unhappy when you raise the subject of being a financial provider for her. If she truly cannot acknowledge your contributions, tell her you expect her to put 1/2 the bills in her name and to start paying them so that she won't feel unhappy about you paying them. 

It's almost a "dirty little secret" to say this, but one of the unspoken benefits of marriage is that you have someone in your life who will hold you accountable to be the best you can be. If you're not doing this and instead, you're giving her everything and she feels she has nothing to strive for, no reason to bust her own butt, then she's going to feel worse about herself as a woman. Some women find that accountability in taking care of the home. She doesn't.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

To reply... We have our son in prescool everyday for 3 hours and daught in kindergarten 6 hours... She could do that, says she comes home to work... She doesnt pick up after me constantly ...i never said that! Sometimes i might have left an article of clithing accidently and not chronically! Just like she leaves her iron or shoes somewhere else! Breakfest she like done bc its one less thing ... Doesnt leave a mess because i clean after myself - im not a slob at all!! Maybe one pan to clean because breakfrst is in there. Mybkids pove eggs in thr morning and i beleive it fills them up so i live doi g that... I just dont love that its not noticed but the occasional sock is. To add, damn me but i forgot the hair gel on the bathroom counter and believe me i got a text about that stating that why should she have to pick up after me ... That its not fair! Come on it was unintentional not to drive her nuts... 
I cannot be perfect, i wilk try to do things around my self

I dont know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> To add, damn me but i forgot the hair gel on the bathroom counter and believe me i got a text about that stating that why should she have to pick up after me ... That its not fair! Come on it was unintentional not to drive her nuts...
> I cannot be perfect, i wilk try to do things around my self


Do you see how much she has you by the balls and is slowly turning you into a pushover?


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

keko said:


> Do you see how much she has you by the balls and is slowly turning you into a pushover?


Yes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> To add, damn me but i forgot the hair gel on the bathroom counter


Who cares...I mean really? It sounds to me like she's *****ing for the sake of *****ing. It also sounds like she's not in a very happy place being a SAHM.


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Thats my source of resentment... I dont know of any of out friends that are couples a
That the husband gets up eArlier to make brkfest... Or comes home to help cook!

I even gave an exame of her dad who runs a little business and would NEVER come home to clean EVER...
Her reply... And thats why my mom and dad hate eachother...

She has a reply for everythjng

She even mentioned last night that she doesnt me or lifestyle if it means that kind of lifestyle ie doctor, lawyer, engineer etc...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

There's no need for you to continue to frustrate yourself. She has enough for the both of you.

When she starts in on you just calmly remind her that you know and understand her frustration, and it's not about you but her unhappiness being a SAHM. Reassure her that once she finds a job, she'll feel better about everything.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> Yes!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you want to have a long lasting, positive relationship you need to change this.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> She even mentioned last night that she doesnt me or lifestyle if it means that kind of lifestyle ie doctor, lawyer, engineer etc...


Which means, she doesn't have it in her to help you while you're in med school...


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

keko said:


> If you want to have a long lasting, positive relationship you need to change this.


I agree! But how? When i try to put my foot down she be one victim goes as far as saying she'd rather be on her own ie separated i mean it gets irrational i feel... And i didnt ever tell to stop working she was working partime is setember but then restaurant closed and she has been busy with kids etc... I felt she was just happy to b home with kids... I am supportive if her worki g staying home, goingto school whatever and HAVE. Always told her that!

I get stuck jn circular arguements because it irks me when she calls me out for not helping or doing enough and ESPECIALLY in front of our house guest for a year, her sister!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> She has a reply for everythjng


That's why you don't discuss. Don't explain. Don't argue.

You give them choices. If you aren't prepared to enforce them then just wear that apron and do as you are told for the rest of your life.

The only legitimate responses to such a person are "that is my decision" or "those are my conditions". Then you _shut up_. 

Plenty of fish in the ocean and if you don't understand what kind of draw you are with pre-med then there is something wrong with you. Read up on the 180 because you need to be doing the 180 instead of butt-kissing and shoe licking. Groveling isn't working too good for ya, is it?


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

TheHusband, Sounds like you really go the extra mile and are not appreciated. 

Been there and stopped doing anything which was burdensome to me which went unappreciated or criticized. Worked really well for me, and the marriage is going along much better.

Also, used to be a SAHM. Working p/t is much nicer IMO because I get my appreciation, strokes, and money. SAHM was thankless and lonely.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> She even mentioned last night that she doesnt me or lifestyle if it means that kind of lifestyle ie doctor, lawyer, engineer etc...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a daughter who went through med school (and is a resident now). She was embarrassed for some of her friends at how they behaved at parties (getting drunk and coming on sexually to fellow students). 

I could see how such "lifestyle issues" could be threatening to a SAHM at home with a 4 and 5 yo.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Thehusband2 said:


> I agree! But how? When i try to put my foot down she be one victim goes as far as saying she'd rather be on her own ie separated i mean it gets irrational i feel... And i didnt ever tell to stop working she was working partime is setember but then restaurant closed and she has been busy with kids etc... I felt she was just happy to b home with kids... I am supportive if her worki g staying home, goingto school whatever and HAVE. Always told her that!
> 
> I get stuck jn circular arguements because it irks me when she calls me out for not helping or doing enough and ESPECIALLY in front of our house guest for a year, her sister!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read the links I posted earlier. Especially married men sex life primer.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> ESPECIALLY in front of our house guest for a year, her sister!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Houseguest for a year? 

Dude, it's time to grow a backbone!


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Hmmm do you mean because her sister is here visiting or because she had said that infront of her sister? Im happy for her that her sister is here infact initially i thought it would be good for my wife to have her sister here...

Ive already talked to her about her outbursts how its not acceptable by me etc.... 

I just read the 180 behaviours and will apply them. I feel i am worth more and she has sent me a text saying that if she is unhappy it is her problem to fix not mine!! Im not a type of person to leave my wife in the cold like that and naturally wanna help, be available, i also want to have fun, so i do t know how the 180 fits with that since it says i shouldnt initiate etc ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Well you may not like gravity too and want a flying dragon, but it doesn't matter what fairy-tale existence we want. We have to work with reality. The 180 is the surgery that cuts out the cancer, so we can't be saying that we want to get rid of the cancer but we are against using knives.

A bit tongue in cheek here with this: I'd be doing the sister. If she isn't pulling weight around the house then she better be pulling something else with a lot of regularity and with gusto.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The ONLY thing she seems to be right about is... that it IS her problem if she is unhappy, and she IS the only one who can figure out what her problem, and what the solution is.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> Hmmm do you mean because her sister is here visiting or because she had said that infront of her sister?


"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." Benjamin Franklin

A "houseguest" is fine for a week at the most. I wouldn't want anyone staying longer unless it was a hired nanny so I could get my degree or have a job while she took care of the children and kept the house.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Thehusband2 said:


> I just read the 180 behaviours and will apply them.


My understanding is that the 180 is for people whose partners are cheating? I think they might be counterproductive here in a case where you are already gone lots of the time and she is a struggling SAHM

While I agree that you should not be a doormat and you need a backbone, I think going into "moving on with my life without you" mode might backfire if you want this marriage to work.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

TheHusband, has she ever seen a counselor? What's her past relationship history like?


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> TheHusband, has she ever seen a counselor? What's her past relationship history like?


No counsellor, she would never see one! Past relationship i guess ok? More than 10 years ago that when we got married...

I think being a sahm isnt for her. Last year we were super broke, we both worked, me teaching and her staying at home with our kids And also watching 2 others as a nanny. She was so tired but we had the best year of our relationship... I guess she might feel stuck and dependent... I was happy to give her a better lifestyle, and a brighter future and turns out a year ago today was so much better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Blonde said:


> "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days." Benjamin Franklin
> 
> A "houseguest" is fine for a week at the most. I wouldn't want anyone staying longer unless it was a hired nanny so I could get my degree or have a job while she took care of the children and kept the house.


You know, things started goi g down hill in september when her sister arrived! Less time just her and I and more time the my wife, her sister and me. Conversation started being things that are non specific so that her sister could join in etc... Cannt describe it, but conversation dynamic as well as household dynamics changed

She will be here another 8 months, we commited to that, shes only 18 so like it or not thats how it will be. 

I have decided to stop including her when i want to go out... I did this out of kindness as it would b rude for wife and i to go out by ourselves when she was new to city... She is not new anymore!!

I will apply the 180 in terms of not engaging in fights, always looking happy and exercising more...i wasnt meaning the starting a new life part... Just the doormat part...

I decided to take care of some minor projects around here that have been on back burner... But definitly put my foot down when its unreasonable...
Any other suggestions on how i can regain control around here???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thehusband2 (Aug 25, 2011)

Any ideas????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

