# Boundaries - wife physically attacks when drinking



## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

So I'm having trouble setting boundaries with my wife and her drinking.

She drinks about once a week but when she hits 2 glasses of wine she becomes very physically aggressive (examples below).
When at home I usually try to grab her wrists so she can't hit me but she bruises soo easily that it looks like I was trying to break her arms. When out I just walk away and she follows me screaming, pushing, etc.

I want her to feel the repercussions of her bad choices so she can stop this. It's like she does anything she feels like and I pay for it.
I'm looking for a way to fix my marriage but I hate these situations so much that separation and divorce are all on the table.

The first time she did this I told her that the next time would be the end of our marriage and she profusely agreed. She's done it 6 times since. She never came close to showing this side of her in our 15 months of dating prior marriage.

Examples:
The first time we went through this was about 3 months into our marriage. She physically attacked me, smashed the tv and anything else she could get a hold of. The place was trashed the next morning. I didn't know how to defend myself and was in shock. She managed to scratch me all over my body with deep grooves I was bleeding everywhere and still have the marks. The next morning as she was treating my wounds she sounded surprised she could have done this and promised profusely that it would never happen again.
I think what set her off was that I was used to going to bed way later than her, I have cats she's never had pets, I'm not as clean as she is etc.

Another time we went on a cruise to mexico we got off the boat and took a tour of the beach at a hotel. I went snorkeling and she stayed on the beach sunning. When I met up with her I saw she had a couple of drinks already. 

I asked her how many and tried to look at the bill - she called the waiter and told him that her husband was cheap and that I thought everything was too expensive. The waiter left and I asked if she gave him a proper tip - she's a horrible tipper and I think these guys are hard workers so I like to tip them well. She called him over again and made it seem that I didn't want to tip the guy - It was super embarrassing for me and the waiter.

That night at dinner I was holding a table for us and I told her to her face but apparently she did not hear me and I saw her go to another table to eat. I thought she was just being childish because of the incident at the hotel. It turns out she didn't hear me and found me eating by myself, she threw a drink of water in my face and tore my shirt off as we were walking to the room. Once we got into the room she attacked me and was yelling so loud that security came. She made me put on a shirt so that they would not see the scratches and blood on my body.

Another time we went out to eat and dance she had wine at the restaurant and then more at the bar. Everything was good until I told her no more drinking she agreed and then 3 min later I see her with another one. I confronted her and she started grimacing like the hulk and stared grabbing at my neck and yelling into my ear. I was just trying to figure out how to get out of there without a show - The bouncers ended up kicking us out. All the way to the car it was her yelling at me and pushing me. Really, the embarrassment hurts more than her attacks.

The last time was yesterday. We went out to eat. She had 2 glasses of wine. When we left there is a night club on the other side of the parking lot she wanted to look into. I told her no as last time we got kicked out of the bar and I didn't want to go through anything like that again (I would have agreed if she was sober.)

She went in by herself while I waited in the car. Two minutes later she comes out and wants to go for a a walk which I love to do.
But I could tell by her posture and mannerisms that this was going to end in some type of public embarrassment for me so I said no get in the car and when we get home you can go out all you want.
She yelled at me, slammed the car door, and took off walking. This is about 3 miles from home. I drove home.

She gets home 2 hours later and I told her if she gets physicall I'm going to call the police. She ends up calling them instead!
The cops clearly saw she was intoxicated and mentioned that I should have a talk with her tomorrow about her problem. I told them this wasn't the first time it happened and we've had talks in the past. Cops said I can't reason with her in this state and they strongly suggest I leave for the night. So I end up having to sleep in a hotel for the night. I didn't tell them that my name is the only one on the lease and that she has an apartment about 2 miles away (still too much of a nice guy).

Right now this last event has given her all the power in the relationship.

Background:
She is muscular, toned, and athletic. She does cardio and lifts daily. ie she's a lot to handle when she goes off like that.

I don't drink, we have no kids, 1.5 years married, I'm 41 she's 51.

She works 2 jobs now which seems to be stressing her out, but she doesn't have to. I can easily support her which I have in the past when she's been out of work. I pay for all the bills. She pays for her car, gas, roth ira, and all of her makeup and creams.

On a side-note writing this is very therapeutic. Thanks for reading. 
I'm going to reread No More Mister Nice Guy while I wait for feed back.


=====================

Diclaimer: it's not all bad.
This has happened 6 times in 1.5years.
She wakes up every morning to cook my lunch and make me a vegetable smoothie.
She cleans like a beast.
She compliments me regularly: you're smart, I'm proud of you, etc. 
Sex is great and she regularly initiates and accepts my initiations.
And I know I have soo many things to work on and I do set her off and I accept that. It's just the physical part that kills me.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Actually, you have it backwards, this last event has given you all of the power in the relationship.

She has a drinking problem, to the point that even the cops warned you away from her.

At this point you need to:
1) Demand she quit drinking, completely
2) Explain that if she gets physical again you will have her arrested and that it is never to happen again.

And explain that failure to do _both_ immediately results in her leaving and never coming back.

At this point I would just leave her, immediately, but some people like the idea of working on things.

You cannot work on this without growing a pair, laying down some ground rules with consequences, and then sticking to them.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sorry for what you are going through and good you are reading NMMNG.

Having said that, you need to plan an exit strategy asap.

You need to get a voice activated recorder now to protect yourself against a false DV charge.

You know this won't get better.
Protect yourself.


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## Avogadro (Mar 31, 2015)

Friend, you wife is an alcoholic. It is very clear to me because I am also, although I have managed to stop drinking.

You need to set some boundaries. She likely will violate them and you have to give her some consequences to her action. Be prepared, once she starts drinking, it is more important than you are, at least until she sobers up.

Oh, and two drinks? Haha. To elicit this behavior she is drinking way, way, way more than that. Like downing half a pint of liquor when you are not looking.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

NBM I get it. Your wife is a great wife, until she drinks. In a 1.5 of marriage of marriage your wife goes off the rocker every 2.5 months or so. 

I am sure you know she has a problem. She is a violent, abusive drunk. She is beating you up. 

Your mistake was telling her no more or you will get a divorce. She did it six times and you did not follow thru. So, yes she has the power. She know you will do nothing and will continue to stay with her. She knows there are no consequences for her actions. Why would she change?

Do you want her to get therapy, go to AA, stop drinking? You have to be firm with your wishes. When she is sober and willing to listen. A drunk is not in the state to make decisions or think rationally. Being drunk just brings out their real personality. That is my opinion.

You have to start regaining your power in this marriage. Figure out if this is the life you are wanting.
Do you want to live a life, where you are afraid to go out socially because your wife will embarrass you? Or worst, you are going to get beaten up.

One day you are going to be really hurt. Or she is going to get hurt by her own actions and you will be blamed.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First, get evidence of her abuse. Record it, keep it safe. Second, enforce your boundaries, and when you state that you will divorce, divorce or your words will be hollow

Also, find some support group for yourself to help you handle your situation. You should be your first priority, not the marriage.

My father was an abusive alcoholic, much worse than your wife. It took him getting arrested, me ending up in the hospital, for him to change, and the threat of losing his family.

A marriage can be saved if the alcoholic hits rock bottom, although, I wish my mother did divorce my father. It took him a while, but eventually when he stopped drinking, his whole life changed until he died of liver complications a few years later.

You have to ignore the good times as that will keep you hooked and stuck. When you make a line in the sand, it is something you need to stand by no matter how much it would hurt to lose a relationship.

Please call friends and family for their support, and do not forget to gather evidence just in case you need it in court. Your wife is dysfunctional, and you loving her will not help her, only she can do that for herself. Whether you remain together is irrelevant, what matters should be that this situation is your line in the sand. As much as you love her, you love yourself even more where you are protecting yourself.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't make threats you won't follow through with for a start. It makes you appear weak and foolish. When you make a threat, mean it, do it.

It's obvious your wife shouldn't drink, at all. Not even one glass. I think when she chooses to drink you should just leave. Go for an entire week even. Show her that she can be happily married with no alcohol, or unhappily married with it. That part is her choice. Not putting up with her disgusting drunk behaviour is yours.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get a VAR and/or hidden camera and start recording her outbursts.

Play the recordings for her a couple of days later.

Should be pretty _sobering_.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> NBM I get it. Your wife is a great wife, until she drinks. In a 1.5 of marriage of marriage your wife goes off the rocker every 2.5 months or so.
> 
> I am sure you know she has a problem. She is a violent, abusive drunk. She is beating you up.
> 
> ...


Yep.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Did I read that right? Why does she still have an apartment?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Did I read that right? Why does she still have an apartment?


I know, right?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You should test her chin the next time she put hands on you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That's a good way to go if he wants to end up in jail with a criminal record. I've no doubt she would call the cops and press charges, the whole shebang.

Wondering if it's also possible she might be taking steroids? Not a good mix with alcohol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Get a VAR and/or hidden camera and start recording her outbursts.
> 
> Play the recordings for her a couple of days later.
> 
> Should be pretty _sobering_.


:iagree: Gus beat me to it. 

If you start recording her outbursts and playing them back to her, she will see what she look and sounds like. Right now she can deny the severity.

Then tell here that either she stops drinking NOW and stops the violence NOW or you are filing for divorce NOW.

You say that she gets like this with just 2 glasses of wine. I doubt that, ether Avogadro is right and she is secretly drinking a lot so the 2 glasses of wine are just the last 2 drinks.....Or she is using 1-2 glasses of wine as a excuse to get violent.

You said that she has her own place? Tell her to move back into it. She can live there while she goes to detox, attends AA, gets counseling. Then if she does all that for a year, stays sober for a year, you will consider getting back with her.


All that said, the sanest thing to do would be to just end this marriage. The struggle to deal with her alcoholism is her struggle, not yours. If this continues you could end up in jail trying to protect yourself from her attacks. So don't be there.. that way she cannot attack you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and when you give her the ultimatum talk, make sure you have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you so that you capture it when she attacks you. Even better, get a hidden camera and have it in the room when you tell her. That way you will have it on both the VAR and the hidden camera.

I mean this. The purpose is to keep you out of jail.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Avogadro said:


> Friend, you wife is an alcoholic. It is very clear to me because I am also, although I have managed to stop drinking.
> 
> You need to set some boundaries. She likely will violate them and you have to give her some consequences to her action. Be prepared, once she starts drinking, it is more important than you are, at least until she sobers up.
> 
> *Oh, and two drinks? Haha. To elicit this behavior she is drinking way, way, way more than that. Like downing half a pint of liquor when you are not looking.*


I agree!!

2 glasses of wine doesn't make someone violent like this--at least I wouldn't think so! Is she on some medication that she's mixing with it??


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Thanks everyone for the insightful comments they are extremely helpful and encouraging. I reread my first comment and realize how much this situation sucks. Getting all this on "paper" is a real eye opener.

She lived in her apt for 6 years and the landlord never raised the rent on her so it's way below market. As luck would have it her daughter needed a place to live just as we were getting married. So the apt is still under my wife's name but the daughter is paying the rent. 

I looked for info on this type of reverse abuse but it looks like there is a lot of shamming out there. It is very embarrassing in public. Either you are getting laughed at or you are a horrible man. Automatically the guy is the bad guy. Last night I was outside on the balcony and she was inside there were 5 cops standing around me while the 6th one had 1 eye on me. If I would have so much as breathed hard on her before they got their I might have slept at the station. Its very scary.

After the cruise incident, we agreed she would go to anger management therapy but after we got home she said she wouldn't because therapist are a waste of money and just want to pump patients full of drugs. So we dropped it.

I don't think she on steroids. I think it may have to do with hormones and alcohol mix. Sometimes she heats up so bad she gets hot to the touch.

I told her to go sleep in her apt last night but she couldn't as her daughter is out of town and took the spare key with her. My wife used to have the spare but I guess the daughter wants some privacy. Her daughter gets back on the 9th I'm thinking to have her move out then. But can I force her out my name is on the lease but we're married?

What I'm going to do in the short term is act like we are separated. Shes pays for her own food and expenses outside of the rent and utilities.

And I am going to get a small spy type of cam to get her outbursts on video. Maybe showing them to her will help her snap out of it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> I think it may have to do with hormones and alcohol mix.


Doubtful. I know loads of pre-menopausal and menopausal women who don't beat their husbands after 2 glasses of wine.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> I think it may have to do with hormones and alcohol mix.


Perhaps so, NBM. There seems to be a 37% chance, however, that the "mix" is alcohol abuse with a mental illness, not hormones. The _Journal of the Amer. Medical Assoc._ published a 1990 study concluding that _"about 37 percent of individuals with alcoholism... have at least one serious mental illness._" See summary of these results at p. 1 of National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

Similarly, a more recent study in the _New England J._ (May 2014) concludes, "_Violence associated with mental illness becomes more pervasive when an individual suffers from a dual-diagnosis of mental illness and substance abuse, specifically alcoholism. The MacArthur Violence Risk Assessment Study also made these findings: ...those with a substance abuse disorder and a personality disorder had a 43% violence prevalence rate." _See New Eng. J. at p. 705.

I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _-- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you likely are dealing with. I mention this because the abusive behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, physical abuse, lack of impulse control, and irrational temper tantrums -- are some of the classic warning signs for a common personality disorder (PD). 

I caution that all PDs are called "spectrum" disorders because we all exhibit the PD behavioral traits to some degree. This means that even normal healthy individuals can sometimes get a temporary flareup of those traits. An important issue, then, is whether your W's alcohol abuse is causing a temporary flareup of these PD traits or, rather, the reverse is true -- i.e., she has a PD causing her to abuse alcohol as a way of self-medicating. 

I therefore ask whether you have seen any of these abusive behaviors -- e.g., strong verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, or rapid mood flips -- when your W was NOT drunk? Was she sober, for example, the night she threw water in your face and tore your shirt off because she did not realize you had saved a dinner table for her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> And I am going to get a small spy type of cam to get her outbursts on video. Maybe showing them to her will help her snap out of it.


Couple it w/ a VAR. Much easier to conceal since it doesn't need to be in sight in order to do its job.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

VAR = Voice Activated Recorder. 

According to @weightlifter


> Buy 2 Sony ICDPX312 or Sony ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Amazon sells them for like 50 bucks. *DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR.* SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries.


You can read the rest of his evidence gathering thread in my signature. 

Here are several links to help men who are abused--and brother that is you. You are being physically abused, mentally abused, and verbally abused! 

Help for Abused Men: Escaping Domestic Violence by Women or Domestic Partners
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too
Domestic violence against men: Know the signs - Mayo Clinic
Help for Battered Men
Invisible Victims: When Men Are Abused | World of Psychology
Male Victims of Domestic Violence - AARDVARC.org
MenWeb-Domestic violence. 5.4 million battered men each year, silent too Long...


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Also, I want to reinforce the message that your wife is an alcoholic.

Two glasses of wine are _not enough_ to create mood altering drunkenness in an adult…unless she weighs a little under 100lbs.

She is either mentally unstable and/or hiding a deeper drinking problem from you.

Both are likelihoods.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your inputs. They are very much appreciated.
@Uptown
Thanks for the detailed information. The night she threw water in my face she was drunk, but occasionally when sober she has gotten extremely jealous and there has also been explosions of verbal abuse when sober. The jealousy might come from her being cheated on in her previous marriage. She says she'll have a drink to help calm her down. Your post makes me think she may have a PD that makes her drink to calm down. The PD might be anger issues.
@Affaircare
Thanks for the helpful links. That's the sort of info I've been wanting to look into. I want to try and figure out how most men handle this. Not sure I want to go to any support groups. I think it will be easier to end things than to stick around and have both of us going to different meetings.

Var and camera coming up for next Monday when her daughter is back in town. I'll draw my line in the sand it will be up to her if she wants to stay or leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Var and camera coming up for next Monday when her daughter is back in town. I'll draw my line in the sand it will be up to her if she wants to stay or leave.


Does this mean that you will not use the VAR and camera until next Monday?

If that's what you mean, I suggest that you start using them now. Your wife could go off the handle at any time.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

NewBoundariesMan said:


> Uptown, your post makes me think she may have a PD that makes her drink to calm down. The PD might be anger issues.


NBM, the PD most associated with "anger issues" -- as you say -- is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. Of the 9 defining traits listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) for BPD, 3 of those 9 traits contain the words "anger" or "rage." In contrast, such anger terms do not appear in any of the 9 defining traits for NPD (narcissism). Moreover, such terms ("irritability and aggressiveness") appear in only one of the 7 defining traits for ASPD (sociopathy). 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid many more years of abuse -- and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. Take care, NBM.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Icdpx 312 is great but obsolete. Afaik the icdpx333 is current.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Daughter took her spare key? I wonder if the daughter either knows about this or may have experienced this first hand with her mother.

And as others said, two drinks? I'm guessing you only see two drinks. She either started early or may carry nip bottles for extra juice.

Along with all the other advice you have received I suggest that you keep a "go bag" handy. This should have a couple of days change of clothes, things like a spare charger for your phone, maybe spare car keys... anything that in a moment's notice you can grab and leave with. Don't wait until the event starts to begin packing a bag. You grab it and go.

Also have spare cash in case you need it.


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

I'm going to confront tonight. I'm tired of this silence treatment. We've talked 10 minutes total since Sunday.

Her asking me how to set netflix up to watch a movie. then asking me to change the batteries on her toothbrush then asking me if we are grocery shopping this week. 

My response to the last one was the since you you went your own way last saturday then we are separated. You do your own shopping, go out whenever you feel like, and come back when ever you want i don't care. I'll be doing the same.

I'm going to try and get a var and spy cam tonight. There is a store called spy world a couple of blocks away from work.
I'll have to hide them in the living room bookshelves before she gets home.

I'll basically say that I will not live with her if she is going to drink. Zero tolerance on the drinking. If she honestly feels she can't do that then fine. I'll talk to the lawyer on Monday. Its very simple.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

Something feels fishy here. Is it just me or does anyone else feel it too?


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

My wife sometimes became very aggressive and violent after just 2 glasses of wine. Almost like she had an allergy to it.
I had to put my foot down hard, threaten divorce. She stopped cold turkey.
4 years now. Violence diminished greatly.

Check to see if there was child abuse in her past. It causes all sorts of anger and intimacy issues.

Good luck - i had to deal with yelling, name calling, spitting, hitting and water throwing. Sometimes breaking things too.
Oh yes, it was always my fault.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

bottom line is this. in my line of work i see you wife every day. im the person that authorizes the days for treatment for someone like her. I also used to see patients like her. The only thing you can do is leave and protect yourself from being hurt her by her now and to possible allay some of the damage from the trauma you are allowing to be inflicted upon you. you cant change her. she does not drink because of you. she does not beat you because of you. because her behavior has nothing to do with you, there is nothing you can do to inspire her to change. you are not abandoning her, she abandoned herself a long time ago. If she says she will kill herself, call the rescue immediately and then walk out of her life forever. If she kills herself, though sad and tragic, will still not be your fault. feeling sorry for her will not work, she already feels sorry for herself and she feeds that monster daily. feeling sorry for her does keep her stuck and you become an enabler. In fact, you enable her behavior now by tolerating it. by not keeping your word to yourself and her. you see, an addict needs an environment that supports their addiction for it to continue. you are part of her environment that allows her to be a mean nasty abusive drunk with no consequences. you are a victim but not of her. you are a victim of your own inaction. you need to ask yourself one question....what is the payoff for you to remain in this relationship. staying with her is feeding a need you have, whether its the need to not be a failure, prove others right or wrong, financial, you get off on the honeymoon phase when she is sorry, youll feel bad if you leave her, she has theatened herself or you...what ever it is...and im just guessing at the reason.....but there is one. so i suggest you get into therapy yourself to prepare yourself to leave this woman and get on with your life. be glad you only put 1.5 years in. I hear stories of people in their 50, 60, 70, 80, still taking **** off the addicts in their lives. think of yourself and her 20 years from now....yeah....think about that


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Leave her. Get a place to stay and leave her. Then go see a lawyer. She's an abusive alcoholic and she needs help that is far and above anything you can give her. Two glasses of wine are not doing this. She has a stash of hard liquor hidden away somewhere.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

she is definitely drinking more than she is telling you. check the usual places, closets drawers under ceiling tiles, her car


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## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

@Cara 
What feels fishy?
@DoneWithHurting
Thank you for your post. Its good to hear someone went through it and has gotten better. I read your post before I confronted Saturday and I changed my mind and decided to give her one more chance.

When she got home from work Saturday night I sat her down and with a very straight forward conversational tone told her I am not going to keep living like this. Either she gives up the drinking completely or we are getting a divorce. I told her under no circumstances can she drink not even when I'm out of town. And I am going to hold her to it. Dealing with the cops that day was the low point of my life and I will never do it again. I don't care if I have to start over financially but I did not work this hard to be treated like a criminal and it will never happen again. 

I went over how we are going to divide our (previously just my) assets and that the lawyer said our divorce would be very simple and would be final in about 1 months time (as long as it was uncontested.) 

I asked her to be very honest with herself. If she could live without alcohol then we can try again but if she could not then that would be fine. She would be in a much better position financially than when we meet: 0 debt, nice amount of savings, and enough cash to start her own business like she always talks about. And I would still care for her but this relationship the way it is is not healthy for either one of us.

She tried to make it seem like it wasn't that bad but I went through all of the details of the cruise incident and she agreed that she has had impulsiveness problems made worse by the alcohol.

Honestly I was already envisioning living alone and being at peace. Imagining a time with no embarrassments or fear of embarrassments. Part of me is saying this is stupid that it will happen again but the other part would not feel right unless I gave her one more chance. 

So thats were I'm at. 1 chance between now and after new years, if no incidents then this marriage can work out. But if there is anything close to an alcohol related blowup then I'm out.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

NewBoundariesMan

Good!. Now what are you and all around her doing to support her not drinking?
No one can drink when they are with her until she can handle it.
Took my wife a while for that.
So, no beer or wine in the house or out for dinner. No bars. No alcohol in the house.
And therapy. She must be in either a AA program or therapy.

That you are ok with it being over is the key for YOUR resolution. You must be strong and hold firm to your boundary.

Good luck.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm glad I looked at this thread as others commented that the problems aren't just money. 

There are several reasons for her behavior and you need to decide if you want to try to address them all or move on.

Does she take any medications of any type? Alcohol's effect can be exacerbated by some medications. Some people are also highly sensitive to alcohol, or she could be misrepresenting her consumption. It seems she should stop drinking if this is the only time it happens and you should discuss this with her when she isn't intoxicated. Perhaps next time she drinks you record her and then show it to her when she's sober.

If she isn't willing to stop drinking, you need to protect yourself by putting a nannycam in the house. Tell her about it, saying it's for security. She will forget it's there, especially when she's drunk and violent. This will protect you from battering charges.

Money is the least of your worries. She isn't a child for you to teach how to live, although setting a budget and combining finances is a good idea instead of dividing everything by percentages. THat's petty, IMO, unless she would ruin you financially. It should all go in the same account and all of the bills are paid. 

I feel you are harping on the money issue because it's one area where you have control and there is obviously an imbalance of control in the relationship. She does the push-pull emotional thing (including violence) with you and you do the same with money (taking care of it while lecturing about it).

To a degree my original advice on consulting a CPA on your finances still stands true but you must address the violence. It is not acceptable and you should leave her if she isn't willing to stop drinking as that seems to be the only time. But if she refuses, it's time to leave her and have it recorded to protect yourself financially (and reputation wise as well).


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## Bitteratwomen (Jun 21, 2014)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Get out asap. No one should have to deal with physical abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would tell her that it's time to deal with her drinking problem and being embarrasing in public and tell her the next time she gets out of hand and attacks, you'll call the cops and press charges. When she gets back from her night in jail, there will be a discussion about divorce. You need to stop sheilding her from trouble. If she's being *****, let the police deal with her. Men have no legal power in these situations and if someone is being physically agressive, it's always assumed that the man is causing the problem (there's that double standard again...women are always percieved as the sweethearts incapable of wrong and men are the big powerful brutes that abuse them). Until the laws are made fair, men will have no legal grounds to protect themselves. 

I have found women similar to her are only trying to draw attention to themselves, that they are 50 and still attractive enough for a younger man to make a scene over.


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