# Husband doesn't carry his weight



## Luv'n'marriage (May 5, 2012)

I have been married for 5 years. We dated for 2 years, and at the time, my fiancé worked out of town, making the same amount of money that I did. Before we got married, I told him that I would like to review his financials. He kept "forgetting" to bring his information over, because he was either working out of town, or taking care of his ill mother. When we dated, I talked with him about a plan to live on his income and pay off my house in 1-2 years, then save a large chunk for retirement. I already have a retirement account, but he doesn't. He said that sounded good, he just had a few bills to pay off first.
Well, two months after we got married, I discovered his "few bills" actually meant $30,000 in credit card debt. I also found out that he was upside-down in his mortgage. Soon after we got married, he lost his job due to a mistake that he made. Over the past 5 years, he has spent more time in unemployment and doing odd jobs than working in his career. I pay the mortgage, water, electric, my car is paid off, and I have no debt except for my mortgage. He pays the phone bill, and picks up groceries. I work full-time in a very demanding career, and am also going back to school (online) to further my career. Sometimes I feel very hopeless, because we can't afford to do anything fun (unless I pay for it), and he has filled up my garage and little gardening cottage in the back with tons of his junk. I'm embarrassed that I'm still stuck in my starter home and can't do anything else except work because of my marriage situation. I love him very much, but also resent what he has done, and sometimes just wish I had my "old life" back. Being single isn't so bad!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You gave yourself an important homework assignment (which was to do a thorough background check on him and his finances) which was an excellent idea. It's unfortunate that you didn't follow through, it was a huge mistake and now you're paying for it.

I hope you didn't mingle your finances to such an extent that it's going to be hard to make a separate marital property claim during the divorce, if that's the case he's going to get a chunk of assets that really don't belong to him.


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## Luv'n'marriage (May 5, 2012)

Kindi,
Thanks for your reply. I haven't mixed my money with his AT ALL, because that didn't seem wise. I think what holds me back from divorce at this point is that I'm afraid he would end up being homeless or having to move in with his brother. He is a really sweet guy in a lot of ways, but I feel like I have a giant boulder tied around my neck!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

He misrepresented himself prior to the marriage, you wed under false pretenses.

Besides, he won't be any worse off than he would have been if you hadn't bailed him out.

My guess is within 6 months of the divorce he'll be living with, and leeching off of someone else.

That's what they do.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Agree that he misrepresented himself before marriage and that you should have, but did not, follow through. You have a right to be upset at this. 

I feel differently about him losing his job. This happened after the marriage and was unforeseen. Also companies do not cut good employees because of just one mistake. If that was the case we are all at risk of being fired.

Sometimes companies cut people because they are not needed (often has little to do with talent level). Or sometimes people are made to be a scapegoat. Could this be the case here?

Also, are you upset about his employment status per se, or do you feel that he has not tried hard enough to get a job, and if so why?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Luv'n'marriage said:


> When we dated, I talked with him about a plan to live on his income and pay off my house in 1-2 years, then save a large chunk for retirement.


That is a huge red flag. Why would you ask him to support the two of you while you increase your wealth? I suppose the home is in your name only; what's in it for him? Why not say "our expenses should be much lower now - we both need to save for the future".

Honestly, I would never sign up for this. There's no reason I should be busting it so someone else can stash it away. Ironically, the fact that he would agree to this is a clear sign that he is very unsavvy with money and a predictor of problems like this.


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