# first sex - then love



## saucysteven (Aug 8, 2009)

Ok, I am gonna try to lay this out as easily as possible and not just show one side of the issues. I do not have a lot of my family left so I am hoping that you guys may be able to offer some feedback on this because i do not know what to do for the best.
I feel that i have to do something though or i will turn to drink! 

Some background info: Male 46 married for 23 yrs. with one daughter of 21, own business house etc. with no financial worries.
Our problems really started soon after our daughter was born, my SO put on a considerable amount of weight during pregnancy. I don't blame her for this and we have the most wonderful daughter you could wish for.
However,i do feel aggrieved that she has done precious little to bring herself back into shape since that time - maybe i am just being a bastard, please tell me what you think, even if you do think me a bastard.


At the time i believed the weight would gradually fall off so was not too concerned, unfortunately I was wrong and the weight stayed, we are talking about 40 kilos of weight gain and although it may sound very harsh for me to say it but that amount of weight gain
can have a significant effect on your in many areas of your life. I have to admit that the weight gain did have an impact on how attractive i found my SO and the sex stopped. We were busy with work, life went on and no sex became the norm.
i do feel guilty that my desire for her was affected but at the same time i cannot see how i could change the make-up of my genes. Looking back maybe i made an error on this at the time - i don't know! Over the time there has been umpteen diets that last about a week or so before they are given up but i have to say that i have probably been the one to encourage her to start them in the first place. The marriage continued and we have got on fine really and to a large degree we still do now with very few arguments.
We also work together in our own business and as business partners the relationship is perfect. I feel so sad to have to say that the situation is no different now, the weight remains and as a result of the lack of sex the love and affection has virtually gone too now.
As said we still get on as mates and that is something good i guess. My own views on this looking back is that i believe a marriage can survive without sex, but without love and affection it is not easy.
The problems have not been discussed greatly between ourselves over the time and have probably been pushed under the carpet for far too long. and we have clearly missed out on a full and loving relationship.
As a housekeeper she is the very best, but i would love to swap some of those attributes for a more loving relationship - at the end of the day i don't really care if the carpet is 100% spotless but i would love a hug in bed and some affection.

About three years ago we had a real heart to heart and i explained exactly how i felt and that although i still loved her it was more as a friend. All i was really doing here was opening up the obvious problems and trying to air them.
I continued that i was unsure if the tackling the weight would be enough now as it may be too late to get all those romantic feelings back. She was willing to try but said it would take some time but if it meant hopefully saving things she would do it.


Ok bang up to date now: no change, yes several diets but all half hearted and fruitless. To be honest i have now given up even trying to encourage her. Her thoughts on the issue are that if i loved her thin i should love her fat and maybe she's right!
She also points out some close friends of ours who are both overweight and they are quite happy - my views on this are that although they are happy they were overweight when they met, when they married and still are, so there are no changes for them.
I am just so confused as to what i should do now, we need to discuss things as the atmosphere is getting worse even though as i said we do get on mostly of the time.
My heart tells me there is no point in suggesting any more diets - been there got the T shirt, a whole wardrobe full of them. However i still really do think or hope that with a bit of effort we could still get all those feelings back or am i just reluctant to accept its over?
Since our open and frank talk a while back we have been more distant and i do tend to go out more on my own than previously. There has also been a couple of short vacations for my pastime that i have been on where she has not wanted to come along.

My main concerns at present are that although my daughter and brother know the problems we have, our remaining family and friends still believe we have a fairy tale marriage and this is so difficult because we have to lie and pretend all is well. I hate living a lie.
Also, we have a 25th anniversary looming in about 18 months and i cannot see how we can celebrate this with a party! It also concerns me that if i get talking to people while i am away for a few days or on a night out and i get the feeling that the conversation may be heading elsewhere it would be hard to avoid going in that direction but if i did and a friendship developed i would then be seen as the 'bad' person in all this by breaking up the happy home.

Thanks for listening.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You will never get another person to lose weight because you had a "heart to heart" or you suggested lovingly or you criticized....that's a fact. She has to want it and have enough discipline for it! It is extremly difficult for some people.

Basically the weight issue has made your wife less attractive to you. Therefore you didn't want to have sex. Therefore you didn't feel loved. Did you reject her regarding sex or was it her idea as well? How do you think she feels? 

As far as your last sentence regarding going away and possible developing a relationship with another.....this will highly complicate things. If you are breaking up your marriage...do it the right and respectful way.


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## saucysteven (Aug 8, 2009)

thanks for your reply Corpuswife. Of course i realise you are correct she has to want to do this for herself and hopefully as a way to attempt to save our marriage if that is possible. The initial drive towards not having sex is a little difficult to explain but i will try. I stopped initiating sex and before too long a very busy working life for both of us took over. As time moved on without a sex life the very intimacy and closeness we shared died until only the shell of the marriage stood. She has said she felt rejected and i am sorry if i caused that, if i can salvage things i would try but i don't know how i can. Please don't read me wrong here i have been tremendously supportive in her attempts at weight loss and she does or at least did want to lose weight for herself too but as you rightly say she needs to be 100% determined. Probably if i had handled the situation differently it may not have turned out this way. Regarding another relationship, just to clear that up - i am not looking for this but i am conscious that without even looking for this it could still happen.

thanks for listening


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Well, hindsight is worthless. Yes, you erred when you stopped initiating. (She erred by never initiating.)

When you stopped initiating, she noticed. She felt bad about it. Didn't feel loved (especially) or desired (particularly). But you had a child and an image and etc. So you both didn't talk about it.

Long time after you tried to talk. She said she'd try. But her incentive wasn't really there. Let's face it, she couldn't do it when she felt she should (for herself) and she felt even less enthusiastic doing it for the man she already disappointed and pretty much lost completely, except in the obligation arena.

Does she have any depression problems? 

I wonder if you dieted with her and worked out with her if it would help. Make it a problem for the both of you to tackle and don't put it all on her. Also, a lot of people, myself included, don't do well on solo projects like this. They need a group. They need constant encouragement and help. It doesn't hurt if what you're doing is somewhat fun, too. Yoga is a great place to start for fun. Yoga just plain feels good. 

I wish you hadn't withdrawn affection from her. You did everything right in other areas, but in this one, the basis of marriage, you failed. I wonder if you could attempt to reestablish physical contact with her. It doesn't have to be full-blown sex. But cuddling. Maybe it will awaken something in you that's been missing. And maybe it will break the dam that's holding back her ability to transform herself.

She needs a relationship/life coach. Maybe you do as well. But maybe you can fulfill that role for one another. 

After all of this time, don't you owe her that much? Same for her. You've been there all along. Doesn't she owe you the attempt?

Seems you have the means. You just need to invite other people in to help out -- to encourage you and to help you draw up a plan and to stick to it.

Maybe it takes a village to raise a marriage!


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## saucysteven (Aug 8, 2009)

Cheers Dobo for your message,very much appreciated and although i have only just read it i will chew over your thoughts.

I have to admit that i gave up smoking a couple of years ago and did need a bit of looking after myself as a result of the so i tried your very idea and took on a strict diet/workout program. over 12 months i transformed myself back to where i was before giving up the tobacco. I hoped that this would help or maybe kick start her into not letting me achieve this and her not. Didn't happen though 

Although as i type this she has gone out for a walk so maybe she has some vibes to try again, i just wish i could say i was hopeful of the outcome, but i promise you i will be the happiest guy alive if i am wrong


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It sounds like you're both just in emotional gridlock. You don't want her sexually because she's fat, and because you don't want her sexually she stays fat.

Someone has to break the deadlock. Why not you? 

Start by grabbing her ass in the kitchen everytime you pass her...


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

Very few argument, great daughter, perfect business partners, even a lot of appreciation for her. I read thru your post trying to find what's the problem. And it is about her being overweight?

You must be aware that in many case being overweight is not her personal fault. It is not like if you diet and go to gym then you can have a perfect body, and not having a perfect body means you have not worked hard. Unforunately this is not how our biology works. A lot about weight is determine by genes and other factors that cannot be easily control by us. Now that she is 20 years older, that makes it far more unrealistic to expect her to return to her shape 20 years ago. I don't know about you, but pot belly is a common sight among middle age people. I just have to resign to the fact as accept it as part of getting older.

You should probably have a discussion with your family doctor to understand what can you realistically expect from your partner's body shape. I am sorry to hear an otherwise healthy relationship is ruined by an issue that is not necessary her fault.


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