# Voice activated recorder question



## pineapple99

I been up all night reading through threads. I highly suspect my husband of cheating. About a week and a half ago he started a huge fight with me out of no where and has refused to talk to me. He has been coming home late. Bought new clothes. Started wearing cologne. Text book cheating stuff. I've begged and pleaded asking him what's wrong and what's going on and is there anyone else. He says it's no one else. I just figured he is depressed and stressed due to his job right now. So I give him space. I sleep on the couch and he is in the bedroom. He never comes out when he is here. So I try to keep going on hoping he will snap out of whatever funk he is in.

So last night he wasn't home so I go into the master bedroom bathroom that he uses exclusively since I moved out of bedroom. I get his dirty clothes to wash and his underwear has white stuff in them ( tmi, I know). I was so upset thinking the worse. He could easily say he masterbated in them. Which is possible but with everything else added together I just don't know. I tried to keep my composure. I was really upset. I didn't confront. He is still ignoring me and wouldn't answer me anyway.

I finish the laundry and walk into the bedroom to put the clothes away. There are 2 closets in there. One is a walk-in with all my stuff and the other is a smaller linen type with all his clothes. When I go in he is in the walk in closet with the door shut and the tv in the bedroom part is turned up kinda loud. I could of sworn I heard him talking in there and when he heard the bedroom door open he stopped. Then he walked out of there and left. Maybe I'm being paranoid? I don't know. 

I don't have access to his iphone bill or anything. It's from his company. He doesn't use the computer at all. He goes online from his phone. When he leaves and is gone all day I don't know where he goes. This is a guy that never goes out and doesn't really have any friends. If I put a voice activated recorder in the closet, will he hear it turn on since there will be no background noise at all? Any good ones to recommend that are under $100?


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## keko

Put one in his car. That'll record much more then what you can from the closet.

Make sure to hide it well inside his car.

Most start around $30-40, so for under $100 you'll plenty of good ones.


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## pineapple99

Can you hear it turn on when it starts recording?


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## keko

pineapple99 said:


> Can you hear it turn on when it starts recording?


On some you might have to put it on silent.

Before placing it in his car, try it out first to make sure it doesn't flash lights or make sounds.


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## edubs

pineapple99 said:


> Can you hear it turn on when it starts recording?


I just caught my wife with a Sony - Model: ICDPX312 from Best Buy. All you need to do is change a setting so that it changes to "VOR" voice operated recording, it will record any sound you hear. You also need to turn the volume to zero on the device itself when u start recording. Takes about 5 minutes to read the manual and set up. You press the record button before you put it in the car, then it will just record sounds as it picks them up.

Also, recommend using better batteries than ones that come with it. You'll get longer life when the VAR sits idle waiting for conversation.

Put it in the car under the driver seat with 3M industrial stickies. I bought the ones that support 16LB in case of bumps etc etc.

Best of luck and hopefully you don't find anything.


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## walkonmars

Stop washing his clothes. No cooking. No anything. No arguing. 

Do you have kids? how many?
Friends in common?
How long have you been married?
Does he trust you? Does he think you are being unfaithful?
Have either of you cheated before?
First marriage for both?
Relatives near by? Yours? His?
Somewhere safe you can stay in an emergency?
Do you have access to money?
Do you work?


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## Soifon

What will you do if you find out he is cheating? He is being distant and starting fights yet YOU moved out of the bedroom and are living on the couch?! You are pleading and begging him to talk to you?! WHY?! And WHY are you still cleaning up after him and doing his laundry?

Please stop letting him walk all over you.


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## pineapple99

Thanks so much for the info. Unfortunately my gut feeling is that there is something going on. I can't confront him without any proof just on that. I will follow your advice.


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## canadiangirl

Why did YOU move out of the bedroom??


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## pineapple99

This is our first marriage for both. We have 1 child. Married for almost 8 years. He works a very stressful job that he wasn't doing too well at at first. He got into his groove and started doing better recently. I thought maybe he was just in a depression or something. We just moved here about 1.5 years ago for that job. So we don't really know anyone here. I do have money in a separate account and do work. Nothing to fully support a household but if I got a second job and scrimped I could probably do it. No debt or car payment. I was just acting and doing as normal household stuff because I never dreamed it would be another person. I just thought he needed space. He has been a person in the past to get depressed and shut everyone out. I thought he was just in one of those moods.


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## Thor

VARs are digital, so no noise like the old tape machines.

Stop asking him about affairs or his behavior.


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## Thor

If you're worried about it making beeps or other noises you can plug into the earbud jack. Find old earbuds or buy the cheapest ones you can find, use scissors to cut off the wires right at the plug. It won't hurt the electronics in the VAR to do that. Usually plugging into the jack will disconnect the internal speakers.

Definitely experiment with it before you deploy it so you know how it works and are confident it will record without making telltale noises.


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## TryingToRecover

When I was using a VAR, I purchased an Olympus model ($33 at Walmart). I would recommend spending a bit more to purchase a VAR that has a USB port so you can connect it to your PC and download the data from the recorder, in the case you need to. Mine did not have that capability and I had to try all kinds of different things to transfer the recording and eventually get it into a format to send to the OW's fiance'. I eventually figured something out but it was a pain in the rear end to do so.


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## doc_martin

They work. I got all I needed on one. Sony, $35 from best buy. In some states there is a legal issue with them, especially now that most people are hands free in the car for phone conversations, so be a little careful. I would do it again. 100 times over. It's so nice to know you aren't crazy. Even if it means your spouse is a POS. At least you aren't crazy.


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## EleGirl

You can use velcro with adhesive back to secure the VAR to a hidden surface in the car.

I would put one VAR in the car and one in the closet.


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## pineapple99

Update: I ordered the VAR and plan to use it. Nothing has changed as far as my husband's behavior and ignoring me. HOWEVER...I got into his email. I found was a password change email for an app call Snapchat. For those that don't know it's an app where you send a pic to a person and then it auto deletes in a certain amount of seconds. A lot of people call it the "sexting app." I get into that app and you guessed it. He only has one "friend" on there, a girl. You can see how many "snaps" (pics) were sent and received and from who but you just can't see what they were. There were 55 pics sent between the two of them. I am beyond upset right now and shaking. I have got to calm down. I know if I confront him he will just say they were innocent pics and nothing wrong. Some were after midnight and some at 7 in the morning.


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## Saki

pineapple99 said:


> I have got to calm down.


You are right.

Look. You need to learn to keep your composure or this WILL NOT WORK OUT WELL FOR YOU.

I have been where you are right now, and I know exactly how much it suuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkksssssssssss.

You have to find a release for your frustration and pain. Journaling, exercise, something. Get your mind off this situation.

If you go ballastic on him, it will push the affair deeper underground.

YOU MUST HAVE EVIDENCE WHEN YOU CONFRONT.

Evidence, like stuff that would stand up in court. 

You know darn well he will lie, manipulate, gas light (look this up if you don't know what it is) you if you have anything short of clear, indesputible proof.

Right now you are in the hardest part. You MUST keep your composure, you must appear like you are not suspicious. If he thinks you are onto him, he will start hiding more and more.

You have to gather that proof, without him knowing. Spy school 101:

1) NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES
2) Once someone knows you are spying, you are done for

Your husband isn't himself right now. He's in affair fog. He'll do things you can't even imagine to cover his tracks.

For your own good, you must get your emotions in check. If you don't, as I said, he'll hide things deeper. Then you will get MORE upset. It's a downward spiral.

Decide, right now, commit to yourself, YOU WILL NOT GO FURTHER DOWN THIS SPIRAL. 

This is about your husbands lack of character, about mistakes he's made and is making now, and his attempt to cover them up.

Consider seeing an individual counselor too. Most companies insurance will pay for the initial 3 visits.

Take care of yourself.


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## LetDownNTX

Definitely try not to say anything until you have proof. Im one of those that cant keep her mouth shut. I see something suspicious, get mad and upset and then it affects my demeanor. WH notices and wants to know what my problem is, why Im mad. Im not a good liar and eventually its comes out. Of course because I dont have solid proof just suspicions he is able to discount them, get mad that I dont trust him and then it goes down hill from there.

Good luck, Im not good at keeping my mouth shut when Im mad!


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## Carlton

edubs said:


> I just caught my wife with a Sony - Model: ICDPX312 from Best Buy. All you need to do is change a setting so that it changes to "VOR" voice operated recording, it will record any sound you hear. You also need to turn the volume to zero on the device itself when u start recording. Takes about 5 minutes to read the manual and set up. You press the record button before you put it in the car, then it will just record sounds as it picks them up.
> 
> Also, recommend using better batteries than ones that come with it. You'll get longer life when the VAR sits idle waiting for conversation.
> 
> Put it in the car under the driver seat with 3M industrial stickies. I bought the ones that support 16LB in case of bumps etc etc.
> 
> Best of luck and hopefully you don't find anything.


I use this very same one. I have three of them. It is nice to have a second one so you don't have to retrieve them from the car, you can just swap them out.

These are the best I have used. And fairly cheap too. Make sure you pay cash for them. No paper trail.

The others I stash around in the bedroom, and where her computer is so that when I leave the house, and she starts talking, I can get her conversations.

Turn off the LED, BEEP, the auto turn off, and make sure the volume is ALWAYS turned down. The HOLD button makes sure the things stay recording. I had a few accidents but luckily was not caught when the thing started playing by itself.

When you have caught him, make sure you keep one in your pocket in case of threats like my wife did.

Next, invest in a GPS tracker. I recommend the 

Amazon.com: LandAirSea GPS Tracking Key Pro: GPS & Navigation

Thing works like a champ. Make sure there is no metal over it and put it in a plastic bag.

Key logger on the computer and check his browsing history.

MAKE SURE YOU COVER YOUR TRACKS WHEN SPYING ON HIM. Nothing like leaving something open for them to find to blow your cover.

What kind of pass code does he have on his phone? They can be easy to break.


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## pineapple99

Thanks for the tips. Unfortunately he has his phone at all times. There would be no way for me to get it. He even takes it into the bathroom with him when he takes a shower to "listen to music" or "play games" while he is getting ready or going to the bathroom.


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## TryingToRecover

Doesn't he sleep? I didn't have the same exact issue but mine was finding a time to place the VAR in his car without him knowing. WS is very into his car and constantly working on it, cleaning it, etc. I ended up getting up in the middle of the night to sneak outside and get in his car. I was nervous every time I did it but it was worth it. 

Point is, you need to use your imagination/determination to get a hold of his phone. Unless it's super-glued to his head, seems like there's got to be a time you can get your hands on it. Even for a short period of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover

I've also seen this suggestion many times. Buy him a new smart phone as a "gift." Just make sure it comes preloaded with what you need to snoop on his phone. Of course, without him knowing about that part. 

My WS often keeps his phone on him. As long as you are determined enough to get your hands on his phone, you will find a way. I'd rather do that than spend time being anxious due to having little to no way to snoop on the WS. 

As many others have said, cover your tracks and never reveal your sources. Because I've gotten accustomed to this, my fWS knows that I have ways of finding out but really has no idea what I've used to do so. I will never tell him either. Once they know and if they are still carrying on the A, they will take it underground. Which you definitely do not want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman

pineapple99 said:


> .... There were 55 pics sent between the two of them. I am beyond upset right now and shaking. I have got to calm down. I know if I confront him he will just say they were innocent pics and nothing wrong. Some were after midnight and some at 7 in the morning.


I'm sorry but it doesn't matter if it's 55 pictures of his shoes or his private parts. He shouldn't be doing this with another woman, end of discussion. You need to make him understand that you don't care if this woman is "just a friend" or his lover, you want this contact to end now or he can get the f**k out of your house and you will let all your friends and everyone in the family know that he is an on-line pervert! This is unacceptable even without the proof and you can't be a doormat. Remember this, people who win are people who take charge and don't give a sh*t about what others think of them. They do what they have to do to accomplish their goal.

Edit: All the others here are giving very good advice and you should follow it. The only thing I would do differently is to take a hard line sooner rather than later.


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## TryingToRecover

Middleman's advice is spot on. Do not bother yourself with what others think, including your WS! I did not waiver in my determination to uncover the truth and rarely did I allow my emotions to get the better of me. I still snoop even though WS has done a significant amount of work in reconciling. He's doing the heavy lifting and is transparent. It'll be a long time before I would even consider not snooping. He gave up his right to any kind of privacy the day he decided to do what he did. I'm unapologetic about it and have been told by others I shouldn't be snooping on him anymore. Bullcrap to that. That usually comes from people who haven't been in a BS's shoes or they have an agenda. Either way it does not matter to me. My own mother says I should at least "cut back" on the snooping. Sorry to say, my mom is a Pollyanna and goes through life with blinders most the way on. Being in denial explains a good part of why she's been divorced three times and adultery has been involved with each of those divorces (hers, theirs, or both). She's never been able to take a hard line with anyone. 

In a nutshell, don't be like my mom (not saying you are).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LdyVenus

pineapple99 said:


> Thanks for the tips. Unfortunately he has his phone at all times. There would be no way for me to get it. He even takes it into the bathroom with him when he takes a shower to "listen to music" or "play games" while he is getting ready or going to the bathroom.


I call B.S. take it while he is sleeping.


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## pineapple99

My husband was so tired after work he left his work phone on the table last night. I didn't know he did until 5am when I woke up and his alarm goes off at 510am. I only had a few mins to skim through it. The same GIRL (more on this later) he snapchatted those over 50 times, I found over 2500 text messages back and forth between each other. They have only known each other in a month and a half. It was texts like..."You fell asleep on me last night" and she said something about "bargaining with your wife" and he said "you can't bargain with what you don't have." Then he was saying, "when I get on my own when I transfer out of here..." In my opinion really flirty text messages. Some were business most were not. Nothing sexual. But I don't know what they talk about on facebook or some other chatting app or when they are spending time together.

Now the kicker is....this girl he knows due to the nature of his job. She is only 18 and a senior in high school!!!!!!!!! He is not a teacher but think teacher/student kind of relationship. I don't want to say exactly what he does but he helps kids with their careers after high school. Ill put it that way. It's a job where he has to earn and keep the school's trust. Very visible position in the school and community. They have to spend a lot of time together for him to do his job. If I were to expose this his career would most likely be immediately ended. No ifs and's or buts about it. He has been doing this career for over ten years. He knows it's wrong. He has even said himself a lot of times how he don't understand how men do that. (There have been quite a few men relieved of there position due to this very same thing.)

My head is spinning right now. I don't know weather to go to his boss about this. I think him and the boss are friends. I don't know how well they are. He calls his boss "fake." So I don't know. It sounds like he is planning to divorce me anyway. I need to get my ducks in a row in the event he does. I can't totally support myself right now unless I can find a better job or second one. If he loses his career then no alimony or anything until I get on my feet. On the other hand, If I don't expose this it will keep going and maybe go physical who knows? AHHHHHH...This is just so surreal. I am completely numb and don't know what to do!!


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## walkonmars

Be calm. At least now you KNOW something is rotten.

Get the VAR in the car ASAP.

Not only is your husband betraying you, he is betraying his job and betraying the trust of the parents of the girl.

If he is part of the public school system it doesn't matter (in many states) that the girl is 18. It's a criminal offense to take advantage of a student - even if it is the student that started it. So he is alrady risking the loss of his job, income, & freedom in addition to taking on a mountain of debt in defense fees.

Even if he isn't part of the public school system this girl can turn around in six months or six years and file a lawsuit for sexual harrassment against your husband. 

There are many other ways you can be directly affected financially by your husband's actions.

IMO as soon as you VAR the car confront your husband. Do it calmly. Start by saying something like:

"H, I want you to listen carefully. I'm not going to lose my temper & I'm not going to argue. I know you have betrayed me with 'sue'. I don't know how badly you have betrayed me but what I do know it is bad enough to end this marriage. I hope you don't wind up in jail over this (if he is a public school employee). You do what you have to do and I will do what I have to do to protect myself and our child."

The ball will be in his court. Let him come to you. See if he begs forgiveness. If he denies you will have proof from the VAR because he will call her to form a plan.

If he questions you. Say you will not answer any questions until he explains himself.

It would be best if you see a lawyer before you confront. See if your h is in legal trouble. Also secure money from your acct in case he storms off to run away w her.


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## Chaparral

Go buy burner phone and text him. Say, are you trying to seduce my daughter? Do I need to go to the state police? 

Or, roumorscare going around about you and the students. Do we need to ask for an investigation. Pictures on the internet?

See if you can stop this before he loses everything.


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## pineapple99

I like the idea of a burner phone. The mother angle won't work. The mother really isn't much of a mother and her father was put away in prison for rape for 15 years when she was a little girl. Yes I know a lot about this girl because my husband talked a lot about her. That should have been a clue right there. When people have a crush on someone they unconsciously talk about them a lot. But also the new clothes my husband bought. They were mainly brands like younger people would usually wear. He started putting stuff on his skin to try to look younger. All this was right in front of me. I thought he was just depressed and shopping to make himself feel better. I thought if I left him have his space he would come around.

He has to have close contact with this girl until September when she leaves to start her career that my husband helps get these kids into. I think she just flirts around with him a lot and what man wouldn't like a hot young girl doing that so I don't blame her. I put 100% of the blame on him. I think he has a crush on her. From the texts it seems like he is testing the water so to speak to see if she will bite. 

I could get the burner phone and pretend like I am a anonymous friend of hers or a parent of a friend and say the girl is spreading rumors around about their relationship and he is getting turned in but after awhile when nothing happens they may just keep at it and it may go further. He will still have a lot of alone time with her until she leaves.


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## Chaparral

You could imply a school board member is asking questions about a certain rumour.


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## Chaparral

If you do end up in a divorce, remember, your attorney can get all the text/ phone records etc.


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## pineapple99

Everyone was so right. I put the voice activated recorder in the car. My husband was gone all day. I noticed he spent $40 at a red lobster 60 miles away from our home. He was with that young girl. Talking major **** about me and my daughter to her. Being all flirty. They were together all day long. It kills me to hear how happy he sounds with her. Talking about their first sexual experiences. 

What do I do??? Anything other than a professional relationship is strictly forbidden. He would lose his career over just taking her out. Why would he do such a thing?!?!? It boggles my mind. Do I tell his boss? I don't know weather to trust his boss or not. If my husband finds out that I told he would throw us out. His name is on the lease only. My daughter is not biologically his but he has been in her life since first grade. 

If I do expose this to his boss is it even legal to VAR someone or check their emails???? Please help!

My head is spinning. My husband is in the bedroom and I want nothing more than to go in there and punch him in the face! I'm not ready to support myself and my daughter right now.


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## arbitrator

It's beyond time for you to get to your lawyers office to see about protecting your marital interests. So sorry to hear about your plight!


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## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> Thanks for the tips. Unfortunately he has his phone at all times. There would be no way for me to get it. He even takes it into the bathroom with him when he takes a shower to "listen to music" or "play games" while he is getting ready or going to the bathroom.


This is how you know he's fooling around. NO ONE takes their phone into the bathroom with them unless they're fooling around. 

Your gut instinct is correct.


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## walkonmars

Don't you dare approach him until you've calmed yourself down. It will only lead to a huge argument that will benefit no one. 

Take a very deep breath and hold it for a few seconds. Let it out slowly through pursed lips. Repeat a few times. 

There's no 'emergency' in addressing this tonight. It's time to plan. 

You NEVER want to tell him HOW you have your information. If you go to him in a mad frame of mind you'll want to "rub his face" in his lies and reveal the tape. Don't do it. 

You have the upper hand in this. The two things that cannot be argued are, one, he's cheating, and two, that he's lying to hide it. And you can put the lie to both. 

Don't go to his boss. Not yet. I repeat Don't confront tonight. 

1. Get your emotions under control. Practice talking in a low, clear voice. You will need to look him directly in the eyes when you do confront. If you're not comfortable with that then prepare mentally. You're in a battle. Make the plan.

2. Consider this as an action: Tell him dispassionately that you have evidence of his infidelity. Name the woman. Tell him you know about "xxx" (some detail they mentioned in the car about a past tryst). 

Tell him you will not live in a marriage where you are disrespected and lied to. You are considering several options that you are not prepared to discuss with him. If he has anything to say he should say it now. 

3. Before you do anything secure as much money as you can. See a lawyer. Do not disclose to the lawyer that you have the VAR just that you know for a fact because you heard it from someone (and you did - them). 

By doing step 3 you will become a little more secure that you are taking action promote a more calm demeanor. It's important that you change your WH perception of you. It's important that you don't present yourself as devastated but as the 'devastator' herself.


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## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> My husband was so tired after work he left his work phone on the table last night. I didn't know he did until 5am when I woke up and his alarm goes off at 510am. I only had a few mins to skim through it. The same GIRL (more on this later) he snapchatted those over 50 times, I found over 2500 text messages back and forth between each other. They have only known each other in a month and a half. It was texts like..."You fell asleep on me last night" and she said something about "bargaining with your wife" and he said "you can't bargain with what you don't have." Then he was saying, "when I get on my own when I transfer out of here..." In my opinion really flirty text messages. Some were business most were not. Nothing sexual. But I don't know what they talk about on facebook or some other chatting app or when they are spending time together.
> 
> Now the kicker is....this girl he knows due to the nature of his job. She is only 18 and a senior in high school!!!!!!!!! He is not a teacher but think teacher/student kind of relationship. I don't want to say exactly what he does but he helps kids with their careers after high school. Ill put it that way. It's a job where he has to earn and keep the school's trust. Very visible position in the school and community. They have to spend a lot of time together for him to do his job. If I were to expose this his career would most likely be immediately ended. No ifs and's or buts about it. He has been doing this career for over ten years. He knows it's wrong. He has even said himself a lot of times how he don't understand how men do that. (There have been quite a few men relieved of there position due to this very same thing.)
> 
> My head is spinning right now. I don't know weather to go to his boss about this. I think him and the boss are friends. I don't know how well they are. He calls his boss "fake." So I don't know. It sounds like he is planning to divorce me anyway. I need to get my ducks in a row in the event he does. I can't totally support myself right now unless I can find a better job or second one. If he loses his career then no alimony or anything until I get on my feet. On the other hand, If I don't expose this it will keep going and maybe go physical who knows? AHHHHHH...This is just so surreal. I am completely numb and don't know what to do!!


You have more than enough evidence to expose this affair. You need to DO THIS NOW. Expose to both of your families. Expose to your H's job and to her school. Skip his boss entirely - he'll cover for your H. Go to the superintendent of the school. It doesn't matter that she's 18 and considered 'legal' - SHE'S A BABY. 

You need to expose this as of YESTERDAY. This will be your first step in recovering your marriage - if you really want to. If my H was playing with a little girl, I would be so disgusted that I would end my marriage immediately (right after I busted him.) Your H is within a heartbeat of being a child molester. Please save this little girl from a lifetime of damage from your H. 

Your call.


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## pineapple99

Due to his job he has to spend time with her a few days this week and every week all the way up to September. She lives 40 mins away and he has to go pick her up to go to required stuff and then drop her back off. I can't take this. I just want to walk right into his bosses office tomorrow and put a stop to it right away. 
And shake him back to reality. Why would someone just throw a ten year career down the drain?!?! I am going to be a wreck all week knowing they are together. 

We have no money. After the move up here for his job it almost completely wiped out our savings. What little we did have in there he is blowing threw it buying all new clothes and stuff to try to look younger.


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## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> Everyone was so right. I put the voice activated recorder in the car. My husband was gone all day. I noticed he spent $40 at a red lobster 60 miles away from our home. He was with that young girl. Talking major **** about me and my daughter to her. Being all flirty. They were together all day long. It kills me to hear how happy he sounds with her. Talking about their first sexual experiences.
> 
> What do I do??? Anything other than a professional relationship is strictly forbidden. He would lose his career over just taking her out. Why would he do such a thing?!?!? It boggles my mind. Do I tell his boss? I don't know weather to trust his boss or not. If my husband finds out that I told he would throw us out. His name is on the lease only. My daughter is not biologically his but he has been in her life since first grade.
> 
> If I do expose this to his boss is it even legal to VAR someone or check their emails???? Please help!
> 
> My head is spinning. My husband is in the bedroom and I want nothing more than to go in there and punch him in the face! I'm not ready to support myself and my daughter right now.


Your husband sickens me. Are you telling us that they are sexually active????

PLEASE expose this to his employer and her parents! 

And then tell him that he needs to get the hell out. For the protection of you and YOUR CHILD.


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## pineapple99

I have no clue what happened. I could only listen to a part of the recording before I got physically nauseous. I need to bring myself to listen to the end. I know he was talking about his sexual experiences like when he was teenager. Then she was saying how she had sex at 13. I don't know if I will be able to control myself if I hear anything at the end. 

If I expose this to his boss. Do I let him hear the VAR? Do I let him know I broke into his email? I don't want to get into any trouble over this.


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## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> Due to his job he has to spend time with her a few days this week and every week all the way up to September. She lives 40 mins away and he has to go pick her up to go to required stuff and then drop her back off. I can't take this. I just want to walk right into his bosses office tomorrow and put a stop to it right away.
> And shake him back to reality. Why would someone just throw a ten year career down the drain?!?! I am going to be a wreck all week knowing they are together.
> 
> We have no money. After the move up here for his job it almost completely wiped out our savings. What little we did have in there he is blowing threw it buying all new clothes and stuff to try to look younger.


Pineapple, you're confusing issues, here. You can't worry about the money you don't have. This is bigger than that. You have GOT to expose this! Will that 'shake him back into reality? Probably. 

After that, you've got to decide what you want to do with this man and your marriage. Decide carefully! 

Your first job is to expose this.


----------



## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> I have no clue what happened. I could only listen to a part of the recording before I got physically nauseous. I need to bring myself to listen to the end. I know he was talking about his sexual experiences like when he was teenager. Then she was saying how she had sex at 13. I don't know if I will be able to control myself if I hear anything at the end.
> 
> If I expose this to his boss. Do I let him hear the VAR? Do I let him know I broke into his email? I don't want to get into any trouble over this.


Don't give him the VAR or info on the email right now. Let him know that your husband is sexually involved with a student. Don't give up how you know. Tell him he needs to talk to your husband.

As soon as you tell him, you need to tell your husband that he has been exposed.


----------



## 3putt

IMO, this is how you should implement exposure. It's the same as here but quite detailed. Borrowed from the MB board and written by one of the best posters on that site:



MelodyLane said:


> [size:14pt]*Exposure 101 *[/size]
> 
> Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?
> 
> 
> 
> Dr. Bill Harley said:
> 
> 
> 
> "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery.[color:#FF0000]* In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery.*[/color] It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dr Bill Harley said:
> 
> 
> 
> "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip
> 
> Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here
> 
> *Exposure targets*
> Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.
> 
> *Exposure Timing*
> Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.
> 
> Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you
> 
> *Exposure Tactics*
> 
> *Spouse of affair partner*- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.
> 
> *Parents, close family, friends* – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below
> 
> *Parents of affair partner.* Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.
> 
> *Workplace exposure:* Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.
> 
> *Facebook exposure:* Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.
> 
> *The Fallout*
> Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!
> 
> The goal is to save your marriage, _*NOT*_ to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.
> 
> Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?"
> 
> *Common Exposure Mistakes*
> 
> Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!
> 
> Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.
> 
> Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.
> 
> Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.
> 
> Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!
> 
> Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!
Click to expand...




MelodyLane said:


> FB or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:
> 
> Dear friends and family,
> 
> I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
> 
> She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
> 
> As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
> 
> I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
> 
> Warmest regards,


----------



## pineapple99

Won't I look like a crazy jealous wife going in with no proof?


----------



## 3putt

Continued....



MelodyLane said:


> FB exposure letters to OP's contacts
> 
> Should be done to the OP’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.
> 
> Dear friend of JoeScumbag:
> 
> It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.
> 
> I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
> 
> I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
> 
> Thank you, BH
> 
> ***********************
> 
> 
> Dear friend of Skankyhola,
> 
> It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
> 
> I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.
> 
> I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.
> 
> I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
> Thank you, BW
> 
> _________________________





MelodyLane said:


> Dr Bill Harley to a SAHM said:
> 
> 
> 
> "I have not read everything in this thread, but I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.
> 
> As for proof regarding an affair, the more you have, the better. But even if you have no absolute proof, but solid circumstantial evidence, a visit to the head of personnel can alert others to be on watch."
> 
> Best wishes,
> Willard F. Harley, Jr.
> here
> 
> 
> 
> Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!
> 
> Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--
> 
> To Whom It May Concern:
> 
> This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
> 
> WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
> 
> If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
> 
> Regards,
> _________________________
Click to expand...




MelodyLane said:


> Dr. Harley on telling the children:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
> 
> An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.
> 
> 
> 
> here
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
> ___________________________________
> A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
> 
> When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> here
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
> 
> Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> here
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
> 
> The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
> 
> The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
> 
> Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
> 
> It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## walkonmars

pineapple99 said:


> Won't I look like a crazy jealous wife going in with no proof?


Only if you act crazy. Be calm don't act desperate. If they ask for proof tell them you will consider providing it but as of now they've been alerted and it's their responsibility to protect the students.


----------



## 3putt

pineapple99 said:


> Won't I look like a crazy jealous wife going in with no proof?


Girl, you have more proof than you could ever need; an actual recording of the adultery partners discussing their crime and receipts to back it up.

If there's a bigger smoking gun than that I want to here about it.


----------



## sharkeey

I would not expose the affair or do anything to jeapordize your husband's career. 

Face it, you will need the money when you divorce and you've got a huge edge in the divorce negotiations by having this against him.

Keep it cool, go see an attorney and explain the entire situation and give them all the information you've obtained so far. 

Any good attorney will give you a wink and tell you that you'll walk away from this divorce in good shape and your husband will be left with little more than the shirt on his back.

That's your goal at this time. To end this marriage as quickly and inexpensively as possible while walking away with the biggest piece of the pie, you deserve it.

If he loses his job, you both lose.


----------



## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> I would not expose the affair or do anything to jeapordize your husband's career.
> 
> Face it, you will need the money when you divorce and you've got a huge edge in the divorce negotiations by having this against him.
> 
> Keep it cool, go see an attorney and explain the entire situation and give them all the information you've obtained so far.
> 
> Any good attorney will give you a wink and tell you that you'll walk away from this divorce in good shape and your husband will be left with little more than the shirt on his back.
> 
> That's your goal at this time. To end this marriage as quickly and inexpensively as possible while walking away with the biggest piece of the pie, you deserve it.
> 
> If he loses his job, you both lose.


pineapple, are you looking to divorce or to attempt recovery?


----------



## committedwife

sharkeey said:


> I would not expose the affair or do anything to jeapordize your husband's career.
> 
> Face it, you will need the money when you divorce and you've got a huge edge in the divorce negotiations by having this against him.
> 
> Keep it cool, go see an attorney and explain the entire situation and give them all the information you've obtained so far.
> 
> Any good attorney will give you a wink and tell you that you'll walk away from this divorce in good shape and your husband will be left with little more than the shirt on his back.
> 
> That's your goal at this time. To end this marriage as quickly and inexpensively as possible while walking away with the biggest piece of the pie, you deserve it.
> 
> If he loses his job, you both lose.


NO FRIGGING WAY. Pineapple, ignore this post ENTIRELY. Sharkeey, are you kidding me???????????? This guy is a child PREDATOR!!!! OMG - as an adult survivor of childhood abuse, HOW DARE YOU suggest she sweep this under the rug so that she can benefit financially!!! BLECH!!!


----------



## 3putt

committedwife said:


> NO FRIGGING WAY. Pineapple, ignore this post ENTIRELY. Sharkeey, are you kidding me???????????? This guy is a child PREDATOR!!!! OMG - as an adult survivor of childhood abuse, HOW DARE YOU suggest she sweep this under the rug!!!


I really couldn't agree more if I tried.


----------



## sharkeey

committedwife said:


> NO FRIGGING WAY. Pineapple, ignore this post ENTIRELY. Sharkeey, are you kidding me???????????? This guy is a child PREDATOR!!!! OMG - as an adult survivor of childhood abuse, HOW DARE YOU suggest she sweep this under the rug!!!


She's 18, an adult in most states.

If he loses his job, she loses the income. 

If it was me, I'd be taking care of #1.


----------



## pineapple99

I am working up the courage to expose this. I know the fallout will be huge. I just don't want to see my child and I on the street because I jumped the gun. My first step tomorrow is to go see a lawyer and see what they say. I don't think it has gone physical yet but it's certainly headed there I'm sure. I don't see how I can be with him after this. After I heard all the horrible things he was saying about me to this girl. I'm hurting so bad right now. I'm literally shaking and feel like throwing up.


----------



## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> She's 18, an adult in most states.
> 
> If he loses his job, she loses the income.
> 
> If it was me, I'd be taking care of #1.


Protecting her marriage and running off the parasite that is damaging her marriage IS taking care of #1....and a whole lot more.


----------



## pineapple99

She is 18 but a senior in high school. He isn't a teacher but he kinda works in the school.


----------



## sharkeey

Hey after you've achieved a favorable divorce settlement you can always throw in a few things about how he'll always be watched and if he's ever caught with her or another student again, all this stuff will come out that you've got locked away in an attorney's file cabinet.

This is no time to be a martyr for all the innocent 18 year olds who chase after their married teachers.

You're in an involuntary game of poker, and the information you have on him plus more to follow if you play it cool is like 3 aces or even 4 of a kind. Right now, they're worth more in your hand than face up on the table.


----------



## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> Hey after you've achieved a favorable divorce settlement you can always throw in a few things about how he'll always be watched and if he's ever caught with her or another student again, all this stuff will come out that you've got locked away in an attorney's file cabinet.
> 
> This is no time to be a martyr for all the innocent 18 year olds who chase after their married teachers.
> 
> You're in an involuntary game of poker, and the information you have on him plus more to follow if you play it cool is like 3 aces or even 4 of a kind. Right now, they're worth more in your hand than face up on the table.


Sounds like you've been following edubs thread and strategies a little too closely. Too much _give up on my marriage and vows and gather unto me what is mine_.

Let's see what she wants first. She hasn't answered that question yet.


----------



## committedwife

sharkeey said:


> She's 18, an adult in most states.
> 
> If he loses his job, she loses the income.
> 
> If it was me, I'd be taking care of #1.


Thankfully, she's not you. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!! What don't you get about that??????????


----------



## sharkeey

committedwife said:


> Thankfully, she's not you. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!! What don't you get about that??????????


Nothing to get or not get. I understand her situation, and I'm simply offering my opinion. 

If it was me, and I was in her situation, I would be looking towards divorce, and to me, money is extremely important because without it, you can't pay the bills. If I was in her shoes, my life would be crashing and burning and I'd be in survival mode, and my last concern would be the poor students with the bad fathering who make bad decisions to have sex with their teachers. I'm no martyr, I'm more of a "save myself and then see what I can do about the rest of the world", in that specific order.


----------



## committedwife

sharkeey said:


> Nothing to get or not get. I understand her situation, and I'm simply offering my opinion.
> 
> If it was me, and I was in her situation, I would be looking towards divorce, and to me, money is extremely important because without it, you can't pay the bills. If I was in her shoes, my life would be crashing and burning and I'd be in survival mode, and my last concern would be the poor students with the bad fathering who make bad decisions to have sex with their teachers. I'm no martyr, I'm more of a "save myself and then see what I can do about the rest of the world", in that specific order.


Bad fathering? Do you know this little girll's family situation personally? Do your know her father? 

Yes, I can see your self-preservation from here. Now I understand your posting.


----------



## sharkeey

committedwife said:


> Bad fathering? Do you know this little girll's family situation personally? Do your know her father?
> 
> Yes, I can see your self-preservation from here. Now I understand your posting.


Good, I'm glad we cleared that up.

Remember, we're here to help.

People such as the Op on this thread post here because they're in crisis, looking for real solutions to their relationship problems, whether it's reconciliation or divorce, not to be pinned with some sort of badge to go out there and be some sort of vigilante. "Who cares that your marriage is falling apart, and you might lose everything if he loses his job, there are innocent people out there being hurt and it's your job to make this right!"

Sure, if she's willing to risk his loss of income and wants to try to do anything possible to save the marriage, then go out there and expose the affair, and hope to break the "affair fog" and get him back home. But don't push her to expose just because you believe that he's some sort of sexual predator and you feel it's the Ops obligation to do her civil duty and get him off the streets. It's not her problem unless she chooses to make it her problem. Like I said earlier, she's got bigger priorities right now.


----------



## Chaparral

First thing is to make copies and rat hole them where no one can find or take them.

TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY. Your husband may have committed crime. You do not want to be an accessory. You need legal advice. That's more than you can get here.


----------



## pineapple99

I don't see a way I can be with him after this. My daughter is 15 years old for heavens sake!!!! This girl is basically her age. Maybe I can somehow go to his boss and convince him to not let on that I came to him. Plant it in his head so he can do the investigating and discover it. I mean my husband is dumb enough to have over 2500 texts between the 2 on his work phone. Even if I don't say anything he may get caught on his own carelessness. 

My number 1 goal is to get to a lawyer tomorrow and get a fulltime job and get a little established. I have no one to help me financially. My family is not in the position to help. It's going to be all on me. This all really really sickens me. I am so disgusted by him right now. I haven't really worked for 6 years since i have been moving around for his job with him. Just little part-time jobs to pass the time away. 

He told her in the recording that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and he is going to be going to a lawyer to get a divorce soon anyway. I'm trying to think of some way to expose this to shock him back to reality but protect myself in the mean time.


----------



## sharkeey

pineapple99 said:


> I don't see a way I can be with him after this. My daughter is 15 years old
> 
> My number 1 goal is to get to a lawyer tomorrow and get a fulltime job and get a little established. I have no one to help me financially.


You haven't worked in 6 years, you have no job now, and you've got a 15 year old daughter to support, and you know you're going to divorce this loser.

Smart decision. But speak to one or more attorneys before you see his boss. 

Consider the financial ramifications to you and your daughter if he loses his job.

I have nothing to add without getting even more repetitive.

Good luck.


----------



## bfree

pineapple99,

Good move on seeing a lawyer first and foremost. I know this is difficult beyond belief but try to keep your composure. Let the lawyer advise you in the best courses of action.

Oh and bring the evidence with you....after making copies.


----------



## pineapple99

I have worked the whole time but nothing really like a career in 6 years. I do have a degree so hopefully that will count for something. Tomorrow morning is a new day for me. I feel like I have a whole new set of eyes to see with. I am hurting but I'm also F*cking mad!!! I am going to turn that into my motivation to better my life for my child and myself. I'll keep you all updated on this messed up situation. I glad I have people to talk to when I need. Thank you! I'm forever grateful.


----------



## walkonmars

I'm sure you are overwhelmed with grief, shock, anger, and mostly fear. Try to calm yourself. 

Why are you afraid of your H finding out you reported him? The result will be the same. If you're going to report him just do it. Tell them you're putting them on notice that the welfare of one of the student's whose safety they are responsible for is being compromised. Case closed. 

You might consider telling your husband very calmly that you have proof and will use it. But don't do this if he has ever shown signs of being physically abusive. He'll be like a cornered rat and they can be unpredictable. 

A third option is to call her parents. Sorry you are in this position. You will survive this. You will.

LAWYER UP FIRST


----------



## pineapple99

Her dad was put away for raping a woman years ago when she was little and her mom isn't really a mom. So she probably wouldn't care what she does. As I said in an earlier post, I know a lot about this girl because my husband talked a lot about her when he first met her. He even showed me her pictures from her facebook.


----------



## bfree

pineapple99 said:


> I have worked the whole time but nothing really like a career in 6 years. I do have a degree so hopefully that will count for something. Tomorrow morning is a new day for me. I feel like I have a whole new set of eyes to see with. I am hurting but I'm also F*cking mad!!! I am going to turn that into my motivation to better my life for my child and myself. I'll keep you all updated on this messed up situation. I glad I have people to talk to when I need. Thank you! I'm forever grateful.


You are stonger than you realize. When faced with overwhelming turmoil people often dig deep and find intestinal fortitude they didn't know they had. Trust me, you got this.


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## sharkeey

sharkeey said:


> my last concern would be the poor students with the bad fathering who make bad decisions to have sex with their teachers





committedwife said:


> Bad fathering? Do you know this little girll's family situation personally?





pineapple99 said:


> Her dad was put away for raping a woman years ago when she was little


I hate being right all the time.


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## walkonmars

pineapple99 said:


> Her dad was put away for raping a woman years ago when she was little and her mom isn't really a mom. So she probably wouldn't care what she does. As I said in an earlier post, I know a lot about this girl because my husband talked a lot about her when he first met her. He even showed me her pictures from her facebook.


Oh my lord. Another poor child tossed onto the heap. Infuriating. 
She'll be adding helpless babies to society's welfare rolls in no time unless she gets a lot of help.


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## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> I hate being right all the time.


I think you have a confused notion about the difference between being right and being lucky. And so far, neither have been proven true or false, so let's keep the chest puffing to a minimum and see exactly what she wants after the smoke clears and the trauma from the recent revelations have subsided a bit.

This isn't a game about you being right or winning. This is a massive turning point for this woman's and her child's life.

Let's stay on point and try to keep the personal backslapping at bay.


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## sharkeey

3putt said:


> This is a massive turning point for this woman's and her child's life


Agreed. Which is why it's a bad time to try to turn her into some sort of martyr to get a "predator off the street" to save these poor kids. It's a nice thought but not of much help to her and it could be a huge hinderance.


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## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> Agreed. Which is why it's a bad time to try to turn her into some sort of martyr to get a "predator off the street" to save these poor kids. It's a nice thought but not of much help to her and it could be a huge hinderance.


I never said anything about turning her into a martyr for any reason whatsoever. I gave her a comprehensive plan for exposure if that was the route she chose to take to save and protect her marriage. That's what we do here...and elsewhere. 

I never made an assumption of her desires or wishes, which is why I asked my earlier question. She asked about exposure and it's purpose, and I, (and others) gave our thoughts and methods. Again, it's what we do. It's difficult to suggest a proper course of action when the OPs tend to leave out pertinent details. We can suggest a course of action based on the details that are provided, but that's all. If they leave other details out, well, then who's to blame here.

And I do believe you may have me confused with someone else. I never said anything like that.

It's not about being right or wrong. It hinges more on being properly informed.


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## sharkeey

3putt said:


> I never said anything about turning her into a martyr for any reason whatsoever.
> 
> And I do believe you may have me confused with someone else. I never said anything like that.


I wasn't specifically referring to you with my comments about not turning her into a martyr although I was addressing you and responding to part of one of your posts when I made that comment. 

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Edited to add:

Here is the post that spurred my anti-martyr rant:



committedwife said:


> This guy is a child PREDATOR!!!! OMG - as an adult survivor of childhood abuse, HOW DARE YOU suggest she sweep this under the rug so that she can benefit financially!!! BLECH!!!


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## pineapple99

I think my husband knows exactly what he is doing. I think he knows she has "daddy issues" and he is exploiting it. That's my opinion.


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## bfree

pineapple99 said:


> I think my husband knows exactly what he is doing. I think he knows she has "daddy issues" and he is exploiting it. That's my opinion.


And I think you are right.


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## sharkeey

pineapple99 said:


> I think my husband knows exactly what he is doing. I think he knows she has "daddy issues" and he is exploiting it. That's my opinion.


Try not to go there. Your mind is spinning, your thoughts are all over the place, you're overthinking, you're going down way too many paths. Try to stick with the facts and the logical steps to take.

Your husband is cheating on you and taking advantage of a young girl. That's all that matters. You want no part of him, your primary goal is to protect yourself and your child and get as far away from this guy as fast as you can with a minimum amount of collateral damage.

You've got an advantage that most betrayed spouses do not have.

This situation is so horrific that you know you cannot reconcile, you know what you have to do.


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## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> I wasn't specifically referring to you with my comments about not turning her into a martyr although I was addressing you and responding to part of one of your posts when I made that comment.
> 
> Sorry for the misunderstanding.


No problem. Just wanted to clear that up.


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## Thor

Pineapple, you will get through this!

Please make safe copies of all your evidence and secure it offsite. An online storage site is one option. Or burn copies and give them to your lawyer. Something your stbxh can't get to.

Come up with a story now about feeling sick. You are going to be off kilter this week and your stbxh may ask what's up. So be prepared to answer you feel like you're getting the flu or some other cover story.

I agree at this point to first follow your attorney's advice and secondly to get your daughter and you safely away from him. There is no big rush to expose him at work. You can do that next week or in a few months. Your first priority is your daughter's safety and having food/shelter.

A lawyer is probably going to tell you that your stbxh will have to pay you a fair amount of $, so I don't think you need to worry about being homeless.

I think your stbxh needs to be kept away from teen girls professionally, so an exposure at work needs to happen at some point.


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## 3putt

bfree said:


> And I think you are right.


So it would appear. I this is truly the case though, she has a bigger problem on her hands than she realizes.

pineapple, have you ever seen this kind of behavior out of him before, or even suspected? Whew...this one's tougher than normal.

Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes. You said that your WH showed you her pics on FB, so you have access, right. I would expose her through FB. Then I would expose your WH through phone calls to your family, his family, and FB exposure to your mutual friends as well.

This will get it out in the open, and put some serious pressure on the affair. You can can hold the workplace exposure as an ace up your sleeve if you don't get the results you desire, or if you decide a different course of action is necessary. It's a big hammer to drop that he will be acutely aware of if he doesn't do the right thing.

Sorry you're in this position. This one really sucks.


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## sharkeey

3putt said:


> I would expose her through FB. Then I would expose your WH through phone calls to your family, his family, and FB exposure to your mutual friends as well.
> 
> This will get it out in the open, and put some serious pressure on the affair. You can can hold the workplace exposure as an ace up your sleeve if you don't get the results you desire, or if you decide a different course of action is necessary. It's a big hammer to drop that he will be acutely aware of if he doesn't do the right thing.


If she exposes through facebook and mutual friends and family, its going to result in workplace exposure even if she doesn't communicate directly to boss. News like that is probably "front page worthy" in most small towns.


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## 3putt

sharkeey said:


> If she exposes through facebook and mutual friends and family, its going to result in workplace exposure even if she doesn't communicate directly to boss. News like that is probably "front page worthy" in most small towns.


This is going to be exposed one way or the other. In a small town, you can bet the bank on it. I'm trying to give her best advice possibly to minimize that risk, but it seems like damned if you do, damned if you don't. But perhaps FB can be shelved for the time being, and just go to family and friends and see what shakes out.

Still though, this will get out fully...one way or the other.


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## LetDownNTX

I might be the only one, as I havent read all the responses, but I think going to his boss is NOT a good idea.

Are you financially secure alone? If he loses his job what happens to you and your children? Your home, etc?

I know you want to blow him out of the water but you have to consider the long term effects as well.


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## LetDownNTX

pineapple99 said:


> I don't see a way I can be with him after this. My daughter is 15 years old for heavens sake!!!! This girl is basically her age. Maybe I can somehow go to his boss and convince him to not let on that I came to him. Plant it in his head so he can do the investigating and discover it. I mean my husband is dumb enough to have over 2500 texts between the 2 on his work phone. Even if I don't say anything he may get caught on his own carelessness.
> 
> My number 1 goal is to get to a lawyer tomorrow and get a fulltime job and get a little established. I have no one to help me financially. My family is not in the position to help. It's going to be all on me. This all really really sickens me. I am so disgusted by him right now. I haven't really worked for 6 years since i have been moving around for his job with him. Just little part-time jobs to pass the time away.
> 
> He told her in the recording that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and he is going to be going to a lawyer to get a divorce soon anyway. I'm trying to think of some way to expose this to shock him back to reality but protect myself in the mean time.


You can always google "printable divorce forms in (your state)" Print them out and fill them out. Then lay them on the kitchen table, when he sees them and asks what they are, tell him "I beat you to it", then walk away.


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## bfree

LetDown,

Normally I would agree with you but this situation bothers me a lot in that he is taking advantage of what is essentially a high school student. If her husband is a predator he needs to be exposed at least to some degree not only to help this particular girl but to save others from hurt in the future.I admit it is a difficult one to navigate which is why I said she should go to a lawyer asap to find out the best course of action.


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## pineapple99

I am a little more calm today than I was last night. I am seeing a lawyer in the next couple days. In the meantime. I plan to expose this to him anonymously. Something like send him a text from a different phone that she is spreading rumors around school that he's her boyfriend or something. Hopefully this will stop him in his tracks and scare him straight before it progresses into the physical. I'm not fully exposing this until I see a lawyer though.


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## sunshinetoday

Get the burner phone. Text him anonymously as if you were some random student or a teacher, tell him you know whats going on between him and her and you will be taking your concerns to the school administrators.
Pineapple after you decide what to do, please consider telling the school offer your proof. He shouldnt be around students if that is how he talks to them. Sorry but I have a daughter and his behavior is unacceptable!!


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## walkonmars

sunshinetoday said:


> Get the burner phone. Text him anonymously as if you were some random student or a teacher, tell him you know whats going on between him and her and you will be taking your concerns to the school administrators.
> Pineapple after you decide what to do, please consider telling the school offer your proof. He shouldnt be around students if that is how he talks to them. Sorry but I have a daughter and his behavior is unacceptable!!


I like this idea. But to ensure he is no longer around vulnerable children, and still have some sort of job, tell him you are looking for the address of the state certification board. When you find it, you will expose him there.


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## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> I have no clue what happened. I could only listen to a part of the recording before I got physically nauseous. I need to bring myself to listen to the end. I know he was talking about his sexual experiences like when he was teenager. Then she was saying how she had sex at 13. I don't know if I will be able to control myself if I hear anything at the end.
> 
> If I expose this to his boss. Do I let him hear the VAR? Do I let him know I broke into his email? I don't want to get into any trouble over this.


Got it. It sounds, at minimum, like he is grooming her for sex. No married man discusses these things with a teenager.


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## bfree

committedwife said:


> Got it. It sounds, at minimum, like he is grooming her for sex. No married man discusses these things with a teenager.


I'm very upset and I'm not married to him. I keep picturing my niece's face and I go ballistic.


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## committedwife

sharkeey said:


> She's 18, an adult in most states.
> 
> If he loses his job, she loses the income.
> 
> If it was me, I'd be taking care of #1.


I appreciate what you're saying, but staying silent will ensure that this budding 'romance'  will continue to build. This needs to be nipped in the bud, NOW. Before he moves out and leaves her - anyone remember THAT story, in the national news not too long ago? The teacher and student (she was 18) were 'in love' - he left his family, they moved in together...and it was discovered that he was a child molester after other girls starting talking. 

I suspect his ability to keep his job and contribute to his poor BW and children was a tad hampered.


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## committedwife

pineapple99 said:


> Maybe I can somehow go to his boss and convince him to not let on that I came to him.


What makes you think he's going to want to invest in this if you make it clear to him that YOU don't want to invest in it? That's what you'll be accomplishing if you go into exposure half-as*ed. 

Load your exposure gun. Get in there and expose this! Your WH is currently addicted to this little girl and can't help himself. He needs _you_ to help him do this. Don't hide behind anyone, don't be hesitant. Stand strong and proud and tell his employer what is going on. Be calm and resolute. His employer will follow suit. 

Your WH will be pissed. Count on it. Don't let that stop you. HE IS CURRENTLY AN ADDICT. Addicts need help. YOU need to help him. He's not going to stayed pissed forever. He can't maintain fury. It will eventually wear off. By then, he will have been separated from this little girl and his fog will begin to wear off. 

Or stand off to one side and let the chips fall where they may. Your call.


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## committedwife

3putt said:


> This is going to be exposed one way or the other. In a small town, you can bet the bank on it. I'm trying to give her best advice possibly to minimize that risk, but it seems like damned if you do, damned if you don't. But perhaps FB can be shelved for the time being, and just go to family and friends and see what shakes out.
> 
> Still though, this will get out fully...one way or the other.


Oh, I'm sure it's going to leak out. That's why Pineapple needs to control the flow of info to benefit herself. She needs to expose to his employer BEFORE crap starts leaking out on social media. Understand that the little girl has probably already posted things about her WH on FB. Time's a-wasting.


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## Viseral

I'm thinking that a measured exposure would be best after the OP lawyers up:

Phase 1) get a burner phone to send anonymous alerting messages to his phone. Also consider giving the burner phone to a close friend who could send messages on your behalf. That way you don't have the risk of him finding the phone.

Phase 2) Expose to his family via phone call.

Phase 3) Confront husband with evidence. Have backups of data stored off-site. Consider having a one or two men on standby to bail you out if necessary.

Phase 4) Based on how the exposure goes and how he reacts, consider calling the school. This is your trump card and the "nuclear" option if necessary. 

This phased approach with the option to go nuclear will likely yield the best results for your outcome.

Good luck OP.


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## keko

pineapple99 said:


> I am a little more calm today than I was last night. I am seeing a lawyer in the next couple days. In the meantime. I plan to expose this to him anonymously. Something like send him a text from a different phone that she is spreading rumors around school that he's her boyfriend or something. Hopefully this will stop him in his tracks and scare him straight before it progresses into the physical. I'm not fully exposing this until I see a lawyer though.


I just have to point out how well you're handling this. :smthumbup:


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## Acabado

I can be wrong but I believe there're some states in which an innapropiate relationship with a HS student is more than worth firing and career killing but against the law, misdemeanor or even felony. No matter whether OW is over the age of consent, no matter whether he's a teacher or simply someone subject to the same rules (position of authority).


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## walkonmars

Acabado said:


> I can be wrong but I believe there're some states in which an innapropiate relationship with a HS student is more than worth firing and career killing but against the law, misdemeanor or even felony. No matter whether OW is over the age of consent, no matter whether he's a teacher or simply someone subject to the same rules (position of authority).


It's a criminal offense in many states as you say. Unfortunately, many school districts want to avoid being identified as unsafe for children and will do whatever they can to keep it hushed up. 

Mandatory reporting laws have minimized this but I know for a fact that it continues in spite of this in my state. It's only when open exposure to the community occurs that secrecy is not an option. 

Often they consul the offender and quietly let them slip out of the district to avoid a scandal. It depends on the political structure of the educational hierarchy and how involved in affairs they themselves are.


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## karole

When I was in high school (many moons ago), there were two teachers (male) that married students after graduation. One girl was the homecoming queen and married a football coach. They had kids and divorced when the wife was in her 30s. The other teacher died suddenly of a heart attack several years into the marriage. Both teachers were in their 40s when they married. It's just sick.


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## jd08

You've got some good evidence here obviously but (your lawyer will tell you this) you need to be careful with the voice recording stuff. In many situations there is possible criminal liability for recording conversations that you aren't a part of if the participants don't consent to the recording. Another thing to consider is that many states also have a crime for teachers or individuals in a teacher capacity to have a sexual relationship with a student. Your husband could really be skating on thin ice here if this is exposed. You need to see a lawyer yesterday and file for spousal support so you can get some financial support when you're forced to leave this marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday

I wish the OP would come back and tell us that she blew him out of the water and by some miracle he is no longer working at a school. 

This thread really stayed with me and bugs me.


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## bfree

sunshinetoday said:


> I wish the OP would come back and tell us that she blew him out of the water and by some miracle he is no longer working at a school.
> 
> This thread really stayed with me and bugs me.


I agree. This one got through my tough skin as well.


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