# Husband suddenly wants a separation...



## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

I am new here and could really use some advice.

Two weeeks ago today I found a 'suspicious' mssg. from another woman on my husband's Facebook. The mssg. said, "I didn't mean to make you mad, I just want you to be happy".

I asked my husband (before he saw the mssg.) when he had last talked to this person and he denied having talked to her. After his denial went on for a while I had him go look at the mssg. himself and he finally admitted that he had partied with her at a New Year's party (which he had told me was just guys), they smoked pot together and she had encouraged him to 'leave his family and pursue writing'. He then said that he 'played in to it'. This is a girl he went to high school with and he describes her as "a troublemaker". 

After confessing this, he blindsided me by telling me he wanted a separation. He told me he didn't love me and could not be 'who he wanted to be' while he was married to me. He blamed me for being miserable and began to throw things up in my face that had happened over 5 years ago.

Two days later, he moved out. Two days after that, he got an apartment in a neighboring college town. 

Of course he denies an affair. 

Before he left, he 'defriended' me (and all our mutual friends) on Facebook, changed all his passwords (including cell phone password) and took our computer saying he didn't want me to 'use anything against him' from the computer.

Yesterday he told me he filed for Legal Separation.

We have two children. He's 42 years old.

He makes it sound like I am crazy for suspecting an affair.

He has basically removed all possible ways for me to snoop on him....where do I go from here?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get a lawyer to protect you and the kids, TODAY!

Then hire a PI to get evidence.


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

turnera- Thank you so much for responding! 

I do have an appointment with a lawyer on Thursday. I called a few days after he left and this is the soonest she could get me in.

As for the PI (which I've been wanting to get), do lawyers usually have an opinion one way or another about their clients hiring them? I was afraid I'd look crazy (as H has tried to tell me) if I hired one. If anything, maybe my lawer can suggest a good one?

From the sounds of it, it does sound like an affair doesn't it? After being told numerous times how suspicous and crazy I am by H (after all this came out) I am desperate for some validation.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh yeah--it sounds about 100% exactly like an affair. My guess would be that he thinks they are "just friends" and it may have been an emotional affair, but he likely moved out so it could become physical and in his mind he can "justify" it because you're separated.


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Oh yeah--it sounds about 100% exactly like an affair. My guess would be that he thinks they are "just friends" and it may have been an emotional affair, but he likely moved out so it could become physical and in his mind he can "justify" it because you're separated.


That's exactly what I thought, too. Getting the legal separation justifies it all. As does completely trashing me and blaming me for _everything_....and throwing stuff up in my face from YEARS ago about why he's so unhappy.

Thank you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you want him back?


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Do you want him back?


wow. Good question. 

This has all happened so fast (I found the FB mssg. the evening of Jan. 25 and he was out of the house on the 27th)....it has literally blindsided me and completely caught me off guard.

Of course when it first happened I was sure I would fight to save the marriage. However, now I'm honestly not sure if I want it or not at this point. 

I DO want the truth, and that is why I want the PI.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Anyway you look at it, he's guilty about something. But wow is there something to be said about the fast lane. Go girl. Keep your chin up. Its going to be a bumpy ride, but hold on to the confident feeling you have right now. Keep it. Remember it. You'll be in a good place. Onward.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I think it's a full blown affair. He feels guilty for it happening and doesn't want to face the consequences of it. Every time he says you are "crazy" for suspecting an affair...what he's saying inside is...."how does she know, and didn't I cover it good enough?

By the way...if you haven't seen paperwork...then a legal seperation hasn't been filed.

Do you want a man who can walk out on you like this and not take responsibility for what he has done...or at the very least his feelings?


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

Well, I got the paperwork last night. I don't know if our state doesn't recognize legal separations or what, because it says petition for _divorce_ on it. Thank goodness I see my lawyer Thursday.

In the paperwork he wants to only pay me $400 a month and leave EVERYTHING else for me to pay....can he do that? Bail on his family and dump the house payment and all bills in my lap, while he goes off and happily gets a new apartment and a new lover? Really???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No. He can't. Deep breaths. Many men think women are just stupid and will accept whatever the man wants. Show him you're smarter than him. Find the biggest bulldog lawyer you can afford. If they don't talk aggressive in your meeting, find another one.


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

Well, tomorrow I go see the lawyer...here's praying she's a bulldog, turnera!!! ray:

And squirsh, wow! What a great post. I agree with everything you wrote. Thankfully, I have been so mad at him I can barely look at him or talk to him (unless absolutely necessary, to make arrangements for the kids) so I have not groveled! That must totally be a God thing, because when he first told me he wanted a separation, my first instinct was to grovel, beg and take all the blame for what he calls our 'lousy marriage'...luckily I got a grip and stopped myself before I did. Then I got MAD!!!

And I know, deep down, that his affair will not prosper, you can't build love on a foundation of lies and deceit. 

Thanks again for all the great input.


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## Magdalen (Feb 9, 2010)

I am sorry for what your family is going through. If it were me, I would have a PI following him 24/7. What a jerk! Sorry, but I cannot stand how selfish people are anymore. Does commitment mean anything? Marriage is taken for granted way too much, it has lost it's meaning. 
I know I would be devastated if this happened to me, and I hope you will be working with a grief or marriage counselor.


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

thank you, Magdalen. I still feel like this is a bad dream. I have spent a lot of the days alternating between spontaneous tears, disbelief and anger.

I actually called a PI today and she tried to talk me out of hiring her. She said, "you already know he's having an affair, why spend potentially $1000's to prove what you already know?" And there's a chance she would never find anything, especially if it's an 'electronic affair'. I'm going to talk to my lawer about it and see what she thinks.

Funny you mention getting a marriage counselor...my husband is one!!!! How's that for ironic? What a joke. I do plan on going to an individual counselor to try to work some stuff out, though.

Thank you so much.


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

I went to my lawyer today. I actually ended up seeing her husband (husband/wife team) and I liked him a lot. 

He said it sounded like my husband wanted to 'play bachelor and have his cake and eat it, too'. So he totally got it.

He recommended playing hardball and counter-filing for divorce (my H just filed for legal separation, which my lawyer says he almost never sees). So I am doing that, and asking for a LOT more than the paultry $400 he offered to throw my way.

I think deep down part of me hopes this counter-suit will kind of shock my H and wake him up. Up till now he has been controlling everything...having the affair, lying to me, sneaking around, deciding to leave, taking our computer, changing passwords, filing the legal separation, saying when he wanted to see our daughter, etc. This is really my first response to him, and I think it will be a doozy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Awesome! I'm so proud of you!

btw, you should tell your lawyer about all the stuff he took from the home, so that you can sue him to get it back, or get paid back for its value.

IIWY, I would get a notebook and start recording (with dates and times) EVERY interaction with - or about - your husband and your marriage. It may become vital.


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## Kara (Feb 8, 2010)

Thank you, turnera! 

I have been trying to write everything down since he left (plus stuff I remembered from before he left). It was interesting the stuff my lawyer kind of 'jumped on' and other stuff he didn't find relevant.

I texted my H today and asked him how long he had been planning this (leaving). He said "I wasn't planning it but I was wrestling with it for probably a year and took steps in event either of us got to that point. That night I knew I had no choice" (the night I found the FB mssg.).

So, affair experts, do you read into this that he has been having his affair for 1 year? What do you think?

My lawyer thinks he has been planning this and that is why he abruptly quit his job and remained unemployed for 2 1/2 months (lower his income and drain his savings) and then turned down a job that paid nearly $20,000 more.


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## rosies (Feb 17, 2010)

Kara it pains me to read your posts. I too am going through a very similiar situation where I discovered my husband had become "'close friends"' with a girl whom he denied and STILL denies that they are in a relationship and that they are just friends!!! But as soon as I found out about her, he suddenly wanted and quickie divorce. And I found out via a social group he had joined to make friends!! You would wonder why a married man needs to join any type of social group but especially one that has 90% women....



He has lied for the past year and like your husband says things happened 3 to 4 years ago. Justification is his middle name.


I really dispise the person I use to love. I hate what he has done to me and the kids. I have 2 very emotional and sad children who dont understand why we arent living with daddy because thats what he had said we would do.'

I am trying to move forward and realise life is better without this selfish person, but the struggles I am feeling in a new job, new home, new environment and with two kids going through it is devasting. Don't women know they shouldn't mess with married men. I blame my husband and the girl who he has and still continues to tell me what a wonderful, caring person who is full of life, laughter and has so much time for him.

My health has greatly suffered through the last months and just when I think I am on top of it something else happens.

My main concern is the kids and sorting the assets we hold together. I dont know how much of our money he has spent over the last year as I have paid all expenses for the house and kids from my small wage.

I suppose through the advice of counsellors and friends, the best thing is to do what suits you, but sometimes I wonder what this is?


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