# Wife Wants to Contact Ex-Boyfriend



## TomSawyer (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm not sure how to handle a situation. My wife of 15 years seems to feel the need to contact an ex-boyfriend of hers. He broke up with her 2 years before she and I started dating. She says that it is her only regret in her life that she let the friendship go dead.

At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together. She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again. 

Four years ago, I had some very difficult times, and she stayed with me. She has told me since that if she wanted to leave me, she surely would have back then when things were *terrible*. Now things are good and this comes up. 

One relevant fact is that she has felt a strong need to reconnect with old friends in general. She has felt disconnected from them, and has wanted to feel more connection with friends.

I'd like to be able to grant her request to reconnect with the ex-boyfriend, but a big part of me is scared to death.

Advice?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't do it.

She slept with him the last time.

Why does she want to contact him? What are her motives?

She's kind of a betch. Who does this? "Remember that guy I screwed when we were together and you said to never see him again? Well I want to see him again."

Actually, tell her to go. And take all her crap with her. Unreal.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed she would never accept it. She slept with him last time and she will do it again and you know this. She is totally disrespecting your relationship and marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? This is an absolutely NO!


----------



## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

advice. THE ANSWER IS NO. NO NO NO NO

sorry to be blunt...but man up and get some balls. This is an EX...not a friend of the family..not a long lost cousin..AN EX. 

There is no room in a marriage for friendships with an EX unless that ex is a friend of the other spouse also..and in a stable marriage/relationship...and knows and respects boundries.

even in THAT situation ..i would not want it in my marriage however my best friend and her husband are very good friends with his ex wife and her husband. They co parent their ADULT kids very well..get along well at family functions..BUT hubby NEVER meets exwife ALONE..EVER. It is ALWAYS a group affair.

you are treading in dangerous territory if you do not put your foot down my friend.
Lynn


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Simply tell her you don't feel comfortable with it and that it's a boundary that you feel she couldn't cross. Don't freak out or anything, but clearly say that you are uncomfortable and that she shouldn't do it.

That way, if she does go it anyway, your position has been strongly stated. No mindreading.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

NO. NO. NO. AND HELL NO.

Contact with a former BF and sexual partner is never a good thing for a marriage.

Plus the fact that HE broke up with HER. She has not gotten over being dumped. It may start out innocent but if he shows any interest at all, it could get out of hand in a hurry.

Not long ago a wife came here talking about how she had been contacted by an EX BF with a request to meet for lunch and "catch up". Her husband said "NO" she did it anyway and within 3 weeks she was having sex with the EX BF.

If she wants to reconnect with some of her old GFs - OK. But EX BFs are definitely off limits.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

No. Tell her no. 

Also, you should do some snooping on her e-mails, Facebook page and cell phone texts to see if she has been in contact with him. 

Remember nothing comes from out of the blue like this. She just did not wake up one morning and say to herself "Self, I feel like calling my old lover that I cheated on my husband with." 

My hunch is that she has been in touch with him for a while now, that there has been a lengthy stream of e-mails and phone calls back and forth between them, and that they have been planning to hook back up for a while now. She is just asking you permission to go have a tryst with him

Your wife is a piece of work. 

Buy a voice activated digital recorder and affix it to the underside of her car seat to listen to her phone calls. Many a wayward has been caught that way. Maybe install a keylogger on her computer to see what she is typing and to whom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hell no!!!!


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She wants to contact an old BF? I would put my foot down and say no, because the conversations between them will start out like: "Hey, how's it going?", or "What's so-and-so been up to?" 

But soon, it may morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted 
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away 
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How sometimes she feels that you're just "not there" for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's so nice to have someone just LISTEN again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How you could NEVER give her what she truly wants and needs
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen in love with a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's been secretly meeting with divorce lawywers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

An ex is an ex for a reason and he has no place in her life. A big No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Absolutely not! I'd be appalled at the request.

Unbelievable. She just told you that she wants to have an affair right to your face! This is by far crossing the line!

Your wife needs to focus only on YOU! 

If my husband made this type of request I'd leave him in an instant! This is very unfair to you and your wife has no respect. She should of dissolved her feelings before marrying you.

I can't imagine what you are feeling. I'd be so numb.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

OMG NO WAY!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Do you have no respect for yourself ??!!! This is absolutely unacceptable. Go directly to NO-way land. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Just MHO


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> I'd like to be able to grant her request to reconnect with the ex-boyfriend, but a big part of me is scared to death.
> 
> Advice?


:wtf:

You WANT her to be able to reconnect with her ex boyfriend?










Oh let me guess.....you don't want to appear jealous and controlling. 

Face it, she already HAS reconnected with him and you just dont know about it. Why else would this come out of the blue? If you can't c0ckblock this OM and protect your marriage, then you will suffer the consequences, like her abandoning you for the true love of her life. You've always been the second choice.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

So basically she wants your permission and blessing to contact an old boyfriend and start an affair.

Tell her no and watch her like a hawk.


----------



## TomSawyer (Mar 20, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies. Very, very helpful in putting things in the proper light. I am still in the fog of hurt feelings, disbelief and denial. I don't think she has had much, if any, contact with him. 

The experience, however, has me seriously questioning the health of our relationship. Maybe things aren't going as well as I thought.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> No. Tell her no.
> 
> Also, you should do some snooping on her e-mails, Facebook page and cell phone texts to see if she has been in contact with him.
> 
> ...


I didn't think about the possibility that she already has made contact with him - but it makes sense that she might have.

Like bandit.45 says, tell her you are not comfortable with her reconnecting with the guy she cheated on you with, then start snooping to see what she is doing. It could be all innocent, but most of the time, an urge to reconnect with an Ex-BF/sexual partner is never innocent.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> The experience, however, has me seriously questioning the health of our relationship. Maybe things aren't going as well as I thought.


BINGO. Something is amiss. She may not even realize it but regardless she's got a need that's not currently getting met.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I'd ask why she's romanticizing her past. Old friends, old BF....??? When people do this, it's usually because they aren't happy with the NOW.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> I am still in the fog of hurt feelings, disbelief and denial.


 You are ahead of most in your situation because you realize this.



TomSawyer said:


> I don't think she has had much, if any, contact with him.


 Even if she has not "had much" contact with the OM, any contact would be too much contact since it would be a violation of her agreement not to ever be in contact with him after she cheated on you with him. Odds are she has in contact with him or she would not be bringing this up.

Once the OM had sex with your wife, he stopped being just a friend and became an ex-lover. She has a lot of nerve to even be bring this up with you, since ex-lovers are out of bounds in most marriages. You do not want her to do this and yet she has you thinking about it. Whenever someone has you thinking about something that you do not want to do, it means by definition that they are pressuring you to do something. You need to ask her why? And do not accept the "just friends" argument as "just friends" is the number one argument used by cheaters as they hide their affair.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Maybe it will go like this:

You: Sure, I don't have a problem with that.
Her: Thanks honey, I already did. We had lunch the other day. I knew you would understand.

Reality check - if no one has answered the question I would likely lean towards - NO!!!!!!!!! WAY!!!!!!!!


----------



## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Two comments. 1) You get to a certain stage in your life, and it's normal to wonder "what if." There are a lot of "what ifs" that you should never act on. This is one of them. 2) All relationships require maintenance. You should definitely wonder about the health of your relationship. Discuss w/ her. Let her know that you do not wish to control her, but that her actions are painful to you. You don't knowingly hurt those you love. If she insists on contacting him, let her know what your reaction will be and what you will do. You may offer to go to MC w/ her.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

While I think asking to connect to her ex only after asking you is a good thing, the fact that she cheated on you with him makes the whole scenario fairly simple. Tell her that these are the consequences for having an affair.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> I'm not sure how to handle a situation. My wife of 15 years seems to feel the need to contact an ex-boyfriend of hers. He broke up with her 2 years before she and I started dating. *She says that it is her only regret in her life that she let the friendship go dead.*
> 
> *At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together.* She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again.
> 
> ...


Which was it, the friendship went dead, or she carried on sleeping with him after starting a relationship with you? I don't understand how so many people sweep this kind of thing under the carpet. I know I couldn't do it. 

So now, she is basically asking you for your permission to go on ahead and do it all over again.

Sorry, but you'd have to be crazy to allow that to happen, and I have a strong suspicion that you already know this.

Good luck!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together. She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and *I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again. *

Tell her that what you said back then still applies.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Simply tell her you don't feel comfortable with it and that it's a boundary that you feel she couldn't cross. Don't freak out or anything, but clearly say that you are uncomfortable and that she shouldn't do it.
> 
> That way, if she does go it anyway, your position has been strongly stated. No mindreading.


:iagree:

One, its a terrible idea in every way, as many people have pointed out. NOTHING good can come from it. She's slept with him, so there is always that capacity to easily sleep with him again once they "reconnect." What worries me is that after these many years she is wanting to meet up with him again. She hasn't moved on?? After how many years. That is pretty worrisome.

I would simply insist that you are not ok with this in any shape or form. Be clear about it. Draw the line. If she respects you then she will respect your request. It certainly is extremely reasonable. 

As far as wanting to reconnect, that's BS. Its not BS to want to reconnect with old friends in general, but there is no reason an ex has or should be included in that. There are seven billion people on this planet, there is no need to be friends with an ex who she slept with while you were dating. Its amazing she even is requesting this. Stop this now or else you'll have ALOT worse to deal with later on.

My other advice is to get her to speak to her friends about this, but only level-headed ones. Does she have a good friend that you know is very sensible? Is she does and she speaks to her maybe hearing how ridiculous her request is from a best friend she trusts will awaken her to how selfish and foolish her request is.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> BINGO. Something is amiss. She may not even realize it but regardless she's got a need that's not currently getting met.


:iagree:

On top of saying no, drawing the line, and watching her like a hawk (get keylogger, voice recorder etc) DO NOT assume they are not already in contact.

But on top of that, evaluate your marriage. Are their weaknesses? Are you leading the marriage, being a good husband, man, companion etc? Use this time to work on eachother and the marriage. Show leadership here. Get MCing, whatever. But something is amiss for sure. Happily married people don't want to just reconnect with an old lover for nothing.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together. She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and *I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again. *
> 
> Tell her that what you said back then still applies.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You could also tell her that you will contact all your old exes at the same time and possibly some of her gf's. Whats good for the Gander is also good for the Goose


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> Thank you all for your replies. Very, very helpful in putting things in the proper light. I am still in the fog of hurt feelings, disbelief and denial. I don't think she has had much, if any, contact with him.
> 
> The experience, however, has me seriously questioning the health of our relationship. Maybe things aren't going as well as I thought.


Hope you have access to her texts/emails/facebook etc.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Others have all said it. BIG NO.

By the way, I dont know how you accepted her sleeping with him after you both were married.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> I'm not sure how to handle a situation. My wife of 15 years seems to feel the need to contact an ex-boyfriend of hers. He broke up with her 2 years before she and I started dating. She says that it is her only regret in her life that she let the friendship go dead.
> 
> At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together. She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again.
> 
> ...


I have no idea you would want to do what is bolded. Do this if you are already leaving your marriage and your will be divrcing soon anyway.

FWIW my comment would have been the same had she not been unfaithful with him already at your expense.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

TomSawyer said:


> I'd like to be able to grant her request to reconnect with the ex-boyfriend, but a big part of me is scared to death.
> 
> Advice?


No way.

The fact that she wants this in the first place is a major indicator she`s not in the least committed to your relationship.

The only possible reason for her desire to see her ex is undoubtedly romantic in nature.

You have some serious problems that go way beyond this individual incident.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

TomSawyer said:


> I'm not sure how to handle a situation. My wife of 15 years seems to feel the need to contact an ex-boyfriend of hers. He broke up with her 2 years before she and I started dating. She says that it is her only regret in her life that she let the friendship go dead.
> 
> At the beginning of our five year courtship, she visited him, and they slept together. She told me the whole thing in tears, accepted her weakness in making what she considered to be a mistake and I told her that I never wanted her to speak to him again.
> 
> ...


What is her meaning of re-connect? Does she want to visit him, or just re-connect via e-mail, phone? Entirely two different senerios that all could possilby lead to an affair. No matter what route she wants to reconnect with this person, is a great cause for concern. 

Like all others, I would tell her no, and use her last encounter with this guy as your reasoning, which is all you need for an excuse.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell her that it's fine with you.. you will call up your old girl friend and the 4 of you can go on a double date.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Not only is it a NO---It is a dealbrealer NO---and on top of that---you need to find out what is going on with your wife, and causing this whole attempt to re-connect with an old lover,

Are there problems in your mge., if you say no---then maybe you are unaware of them---at best, you better sit her down---and have a very serious discussion about where your mge., is at, if necessary, that it be forced, then force it---but find out what is going on!!!!!!

Married women, who are happily satisfied with their mge---do not go seeking out old lovers, and the problems that go with that whole can of worms


----------



## PhoenixHiker (Jan 24, 2012)

I reconnected with my old GF. I thought it would be an innocent catching up, but now both my ex GF and myself are constantly trying not to fall into a bad situation. Old feelings rekindle.
Nothing has happened that I'd be ashamed to reveal to my wife, but I'd be an idiot to tell her what I'm thinking. Same goes for the Ex GF. She's already gone from loving her husband to never having loved him at all. We have followed that same path every other affair seems to follow. I put a block on the tracks and there was lots of emotion from the ExGF, but we both agreed things were going down the wrong road fast.

In hindsight, it would have been better for the two of us to have kept the fond memories and just wonder what's happened to the old flame.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Not only is it a NO---It is a dealbrealer NO---and on top of that---you need to find out what is going on with your wife, and causing this whole attempt to re-connect with an old lover,
> 
> Are there problems in your mge., if you say no---then maybe you are unaware of them---at best, you better sit her down---and have a very serious discussion about where your mge., is at, if necessary, that it be forced, then force it---but find out what is going on!!!!!!
> 
> *Married women, who are happily satisfied with their mge---do not go seeking out old lovers, and the problems that go with that whole can of worms*


There are many folks who seek out old friends via FB. Some may be fishing but for others it does start out innocent You may get a friend request on FB and all the sudden something is reignited and the person is not even looking. I know of several folks that did this. They recieved a friend request, accept it, get to talking and boom, they are talking about hooking up. It has to do with boundaries. My thought on this is don't even go there in the first place with accepting an old flame back into your life, no matter how good your marriage is. There are too many horror stories out there.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> There are many folks who seek out old friends via FB. Some may be fishing but for others it does start out innocent You may get a friend request on FB and all the sudden something is reignited and the person is not even looking. I know of several folks that did this. They recieved a friend request, accept it, get to talking and boom, they are talking about hooking up. It has to do with boundaries. My thought on this is don't even go there in the first place with accepting an old flame back into your life, no matter how good your marriage is. There are too many horror stories out there.


That is EXACTLY what happened to me and how I wound up having an EA. Old flames should stay in the past. Period.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yup. Don't blow on old ashes; you may not be able to put out the raging fire that results.


----------

