# Sexless marriage...please fix it.



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

I am a 34yr F with a fairly heathy sexual drive. My husband is 53yr with a decent drive as well albeit a bit more traditional. We've been married 13yrs in which I have mostly initiated, pleased and/or satisfied. I suggest new positions, places to touch/tickle/kiss. The sex has never been stellar for me but I love him enough to continue to try.

I've talked to him about my lack of satisfaction numerous times & various different ways. The next time we get together it's great...then we meet again 3-4wks later and we're back to the same.

Recently, we've been close to the 'actual' intercourse and he's gone limp. In all our years it hadn't happened...now it's happened 3x since April. I took it personal and asked him about it (after I still satisfied him). There are no answers & most recently not even a response. I got so frustrated, I wrote him a note telling him 'enough already'. If _we_ can't enjoy sex and _he_ won't talk...I no longer want any intimacy. Not to even kiss or touch me. The talking had become futile and I didn't want to cry in front of him. {I thought missing me would make him realize how serious this was}.

I was wrong. It hasn't even fazed him. Now I'm crying more than ever (when he's not home). It hurts to think he doesn't miss me. Looking for answers, I came accross a post by Rusko where he states he is no longer atracted to his wife. Boy did that hurt to read. Compelled me ask for advice.

What do I do now? I feel like an @ss talking about something he doesn't seem to care about. He seems perfectly happy. I got by masturbating (to satisfy & not leave marriage)...today I attempted and cried. So not fair how much control he has over my pleasure & seemingly doesn't care.:banghead:

I don't want a divorce. I don't want another man. I want us to be closer. I want it more often. I want better quality.

How do I get him to care?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, I'm not a guy, but I think you handled this in exactly the wrong way.

He's 53. There are going to be times when he cannot perform, no matter how much he wants to. And instead of being understanding and understated and not making a big deal out of it, you threw a fit and made it all about you. So now he has a complex about it, which is pretty much the worst for sexual function -- amirite, guys?

I think you need to apologize to him for being insensitive. But that's just me.

Other opinions?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are in your prime and he is older.

Could be normal aging. Maybe he should see a doctor.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Okay, I'm not a guy, but I think you handled this in exactly the wrong way.
> 
> He's 53. There are going to be times when he cannot perform, no matter how much he wants to. And instead of being understanding and understated and not making a big deal out of it, you threw a fit and made it all about you. So now he has a complex about it, which is pretty much the worst for sexual function -- amirite, guys?
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree:


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

kindi said:


> What sort of shape are you in?
> 
> Is his lack of attraction to you justified because you've put on weight?
> 
> If so, you know what you must do.


I'm just as cute/ugly as I was 13yrs ago.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Don't pay any mind to kindi, he's out trolling for fun today.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Okay, I'm not a guy, but I think you handled this in exactly the wrong way.
> 
> He's 53. There are going to be times when he cannot perform, no matter how much he wants to. And instead of being understanding and understated and not making a big deal out of it, you threw a fit and made it all about you. So now he has a complex about it, which is pretty much the worst for sexual function -- amirite, guys?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

He's getting older. You're going to need to be sensitive about it or it's going to get way worse. Nothing kills a boner more than worrying about maintaining it.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

He could be developing ED. You need to talk to him. ED is very emasculating,and can cause depression, and other things. You need to first consult a doctor and see if there is a medical reason he can't stay up. He might be embarrassed and feel like less than a man. He probably feels like crap. Stop being mean and tell him you love him and be open to getting his manhood back.
If after the doctors visit and you have good news that everything is fine in his pipes then it could be stress related. It could be any number of things. The title of your post says it all. We can't fix your marriage only you can. You need to speak to him and find out where his head is at.


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Okay, I'm not a guy, but I think you handled this in exactly the wrong way.
> 
> He's 53. There are going to be times when he cannot perform, no matter how much he wants to. And instead of being understanding and understated and not making a big deal out of it, you threw a fit and made it all about you. So now he has a complex about it, which is pretty much the worst for sexual function -- amirite, guys?
> 
> ...


A fit?! Okay...maybe a fit...but after _years_ of talking I didn't know how else to get his attention. BTW...on those 3 occassions...I didn't make a big deal about it when it happened (I swear), I contnued to 'muddle' through got him off...and a day or two later bring it up as a 'soft' discussion. This last time he rubbed my back and gave me a kiss.:wtf:

That didn't answer the question or tell me how to fix it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You are in your prime and he is older.
> 
> Could be normal aging. Maybe he should see a doctor.


Unfortunately, as a guy I suspect this. And things will likely get worse before they get better, as his drive continues to fade and yours gets stronger. Some guys keep theirs longer, but that doesn't seem to be the case for him. 

What kind of shape is HE in? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> :iagree:
> 
> He's getting older. You're going to need to be sensitive about it or it's going to get way worse. Nothing kills a boner more than worrying about maintaining it.


He won't talk to me about anything. I tried being nicey-nice and now left with nothing. I'm not really focused on the 'ED', by the way...it's been years of trying to pull him out of his shell.

I really feel like I'm beating a dead horse sometimes. :-(


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

badbane said:


> He could be developing ED. You need to talk to him. ED is very emasculating,and can cause depression, and other things. You need to first consult a doctor and see if there is a medical reason he can't stay up. He might be embarrassed and feel like less than a man. He probably feels like crap. Stop being mean and tell him you love him and be open to getting his manhood back.
> If after the doctors visit and you have good news that everything is fine in his pipes then it could be stress related. It could be any number of things. The title of your post says it all. We can't fix your marriage only you can. You need to speak to him and find out where his head is at.


It's funny...I expected posts 'sympathizing' with me and instead it sounds like it's all my fault.  I understand what you're saying but if he won't tell me there's a problem...how am I supposed to help him fix it?


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

PBear said:


> Unfortunately, as a guy I suspect this. And things will likely get worse before they get better, as his drive continues to fade and yours gets stronger. Some guys keep theirs longer, but that doesn't seem to be the case for him.
> 
> What kind of shape is HE in?
> 
> ...


He's not in the best shape; a bit overweight. Can ED be, not keeping a hard-on?

He had no problem getting it up...it just didn't stay up. Is that still ED?


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes, getting it up but not keeping it up is still technically ED.

He needs to see a doctor, ED is now a known symptom/precursor of developing heart disease. His doctor will likely test him for low testosterone as well. Between Viagra/Cialis, losing weight and getting in shape, and possibly some testosterone therapy, he should be able to recover his boner without much trouble.

You do need to be sensitive to his plight, and be supportive. Plus, there are also other ways he can please you sexually (hands, tongue, toys, etc.) if he is open to the idea. 

I'm 50, in decent shape, and I will occasionally have some issues staying hard for an extended period of time. I also know of many ways I can give my wife orgasms without using my c*ck.


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> Yes, getting it up but not keeping it up is still technically ED.
> 
> He needs to see a doctor, ED is now a known symptom/precursor of developing heart disease. His doctor will likely test him for low testosterone as well. Between Viagra/Cialis, losing weight and getting in shape, and possibly some testosterone therapy, he should be able to recover his boner without much trouble.
> 
> ...


Did you talk to your wife about it? Or handle on your own? He won't talk to me. I love him dearly! I will do anything to help him with anything...but he won't talk. How do I even bring this up now without him shutting down or thinking it's an accussation? What if it's not ED and then he gets offended?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TeR said:


> The sex has never been stellar for me but I love him enough to continue to try.


This sentence is the one that jumped out at me. After 13 years your husband has to know he isn't great in bed and that has to affect his ego. And he's 20 years older than you. You're in your prime and he's well....not.


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This sentence is the one that jumped out at me. After 13 years your husband has to know he isn't great in bed and that has to affect his ego. And he's 20 years older than you. You're in your prime and he's well....not.


I don't say anything to hurt him. Neither one of us were very well experienced before getting married. As a matter of fact, I bought us two books recently on pleasing eachother. I 'posed' it as we can still learn and we can learn together. I thought it was putting it nicely.

I love him. If it still hurt, it certainly wasn't my intention. But his 'non' communication does nothing for me. How do I know how to proceed?


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Te, I know you aren't feeling supported in this thread, and I'm sorry about that. I don't quite know what else to say without making you feel worse.

I think you need to put talking about it to one side for a while. Like, for several months. At least in my opinion, he feels shamed and embarrassed, and it's going to take him a while to get over that -- of course he doesn't want to talk about it. I'd do a lot of non-orgasm-specific sexual cuddling to rebuild his confidence.

And I know that's not what you want to hear. I'm sorry.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

TeR said:


> Neiither one of us were very well experienced before getting married.


What does this mean? Was he married before you? How many partners has he had?


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

TeR, my occasional issues with ED are not really a problem for me or my wife. When I first had the beginnings of an issue, my wife asked me if it was her or me, I told her it was likely me, and that I would talk to the doc about it on my next checkup.

Turned out I was having the beginnings of cardiovascular disease, so I lost weight, exercised, watched my diet, and aside from the very occasional "stamina" problem, I'm much better.

She was very understanding, didn't make a big deal about it, and didn't mention it until the next day, which was much better than having her point to my limp d*ck while we were trying to go at it.

Doc gave me some Viagra samples, I used them but I felt like I didn't really need them, although he did say some men will use them as a "security blanket" while they are getting their sexual confidence back.

I would make a concerted effort to get him to the doctor (easier said than done for many men...) and take it from there. You are squarely in your sexual prime, he is well past his, so there is bound to be some areas of compromise (you accept his condition, he becomes more open-minded about pleasing you in ways that don't involve his penis, etc.).


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I know someone whose h is in his 60's and refused to go to a dr for anything so she told him she wanted to take out more life insurance. If he won't go, you might want to have that conversation. He decided not to go and had to get an exam for the insurance and they found a lot of stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

If I were in your shoes, I would approach him at some point when he is relaxed and comfortable, and tell him you are concerned about his health, you read that ED can be a symptom of several serious health problems, and that you love him and want him to be healthy and be around for you.

You can even go as far as making the appointment for him if he won't do it. The insurance idea mentioned here was interesting, another way of getting him to the doctor (although the insurance "check-ups" are no substitute for an actual examination from his doctor).

Good luck!


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

If you want to keep him around, get him to a doctor for a cardiovascular checkup. Penis problems often = heart problems. Rule that out before looking at his psych status.

Testosterone could also be an issue.

Guaranteed, the more you bring up erectile dysfunctions, the worse they will be


----------



## TeR (Jun 28, 2012)

We went for our daily walk this afternoon. Half-way through I couldn't contain myself. The pretend nothing is wrong/pretend no one cares bull was creeping up on me.

Lamaga, I don't know you guys but you were in my thoughts. {Lamaga said apologize...but I'm so angry. PBear said it could be medical...well then he should talk to me}. Many rational AND irrational thoughts popped into my stubborn head.

In any event; he said he was embarrassed to talk about it because he thought it may be the extra weight he's put on. I told me I understand but if there was anyone he should talk to it would be me. He went on to mention some rough times at work & his elderly mother being ill.

Damn that, Lamaga!  She _said_ I was being mean and there it is. Again I persisted...but why not talk to me? His reply, "you're so strong, I didn't think you'd understand".

I officially feel like dirt. I thought it was something negative about me and all the while he's going through a private hell.

This man has been with me since I was 19. College, career, MS diagnosis, 2 ceasarean sections & a major eye sugery. There is no way I couldn't support him; whether physical or emotional.

Tonight while serving the kids, he snuck in an awesomely passionate kiss [like a huge weight had been lifted & now it was safe to touch again]. :smthumbup:

I want him more than ever...but as per this thread with some mature answers...I'll let him be the guide.

Thank you all very much for your advice (especially the medical...I'll keep an eye on that) and allowing me to *****/moan/cry/whine/etc.

*Keeper63*, I REALLY appreciate you being so candid. It's not a fun topic...but I feel I have a good base to learn/build from.

*Lamaga*, it was HARSH, but necessary. Thank you.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

TeR,

I dont know...I tend to "side" with you on this...you sound like a very loving and sexy wife.....early 50's past prime? Come on people...??? I am 46 and healthy wife 45...so I cant be 100% sure...but I am more up for it than ever!

It sounds like you never had a lot of sex drive from him...so he started out a bit of a dud (sadly like my wife much of the time...although she is finally getting some drive at age 45 and has always given in to me at a frequency just enough to prevent insanity...once a week minimum rain or shine......). There are so many reasons possible for this....her mental issues about sex are staggeringly complex.

Maybe him too???

If he wont talk about it...at least my wife finally does....

Move on....it sounds like torture to me.

Even with my wife talking about it and in therapy etc etc...its still been a struggle....


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi TeR,

It's good that you are giving him space during a difficult time in his life. Some people see sex and as a restorative experience, enabling them to deal with stress better. Others retreat from sex during tough times.

At the same time, you cannot go on being unsatisfied forever. Sounds like it has been a while that the situation has worsened. A fulfilling sex life (or as close to it as he can manage) is his responsibility to you as your spouse. While short-term setbacks are understandable, he must learn to integrate any long-term issues into his life in a way that allows him to meet your needs.

For instance, the economy is tough and may be so for a long time to come. Companies are cutting back and asking more from everybody. Expecting you to wait until work is nice and smooth before he comes back to you is unreasonable.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Te, I'm glad you were able to talk. I'll be hoping for the best for you!


----------



## xena74 (May 5, 2012)

Keep tip toeing around this subject with him. My DH had ED and you have to be very carefull. I used to think it was me too, then the truth comes out. Not me, all medical (weight gain and medication) he is taking is to blame. Thanks GOD for the little blue pill! Life is back to normal except for alot of trips to the RX.

I got frustrated the other night and lashed out with, "can't you atleast get me off" BIG BIG MISTAKE! 
Use kid gloves for along time, it is not easy I know.


----------

