# New to forum - not sure where to turn



## confusedfrustrated (Mar 31, 2013)

My screen name says only a small portion of the way I'm feeling right now. My marriage of nearly 5 years is crumbling before my eyes and I'm an absolute wreck. I really don't have a lot of places to turn for honest, anoymous advice so hence joining this forum. I'm hoping to get some good feedback and other things that I need to consider as I weigh my options in moving forward with my life, with or without my wife. 

As I mentioned, we have been married for nearly 5 years and dated for nearly 2 years before getting engaged. As nearly everyone, we had a passionate stage at the beginning followed by growing more comfortable with one another. I had some questions in my mind about our compatibility when we were married but felt it to be nothing more than typical cold feet. My wife is very outgoing in social settings but guarded/reserved at home and prefers to relax over anything else. I am the opposite where I can be shy around new people so we do very well together in social settings and feed off one another. I am always on the go, doing things around the house and am very high energy. I love to be outdoors and be active while she doesn't always share the same love these activities and often feels that I am just living around her when she wants to relax. 

Now, nearly five years later things are really unraveling. Shortly after getting married we relocated for her job to a new city/state. We work for the same company although we now work in different areas of a large Fortune 50 company. My wife worked 2nd shift when we relocated and I worked 1st which caused some initial distance/separation. I believe this time apart allowed us to become more comfortable apart as we are together and we failed to make enough time for one another. It was about 3 years ago when I discovered my wife was exchanging text messages with another man and was developing an emotional connection. She apologized, cut off the relationship and we sought counseling. 

Our relationship improved slightly and we stopped going to counseling but should have kept going to resolve the root of the problems we were facing. Shortly thereafter we found out we were pregnant and we now have an absolutely beautiful 18 month old daughter. Our daughter brought us closer together but the challenges of being new parents left us little time to connect and spend quality time with one another and we often found each other going out with friends while the other watched the baby. Unfortunately we did not continue with counseling, something I now regret deeply. 

After an argument toward the end of last summer/early fall we agreed to start seeing a marriage counselor together again. Initially it felt like we were making progress and we were meeting both together and she with my wife individually. My wife struggles with some issues dating back to her youth when her brother touched her in an inappropriate sexual nature and she kept this repressed/hidden from her parents and everyone else until about 3 years ago. She felt that the counseling sessions with her therapist were helping her find herself but I often felt like it was driving us further apart. 

Our sex life has not been the greatest for some time. It has always been hit and miss since the move. My wife rarely initiates anything sexual and I am typically the one to try to initiate anything between us. Earlier this week while trying to initiate a spark my wife indicated she wasn't interested and this spurned a conversation that has led to nearly 5 days of difficult thoughts, pains and emotions. 

Basically it came to a head and we agreed that we have lost the "spark" and my wife was seriously considering moving forward with our marriage. This was prompted by my discussions in that she seems to garner more joy from spending time with her friends than she does with me. I'll be the first to admit that we don't do a lot of dates, often due to financial issues (more on that in a minute). She admitted that while she loved me very much as a person she wasn't sure if she was "in love" with me any longer. 

After some long, painful conversations we agreed that we would both try to seek a fresh start and try to renew our commitment to one another despite the challenges. Despite this, I still had some reoccurring thoughts that there was someone else. She previously admitted to developing feelings for someone else which prompted our counseling at the end of last year. When I pressed the matter and asked if it had gone further she admitted that it had and that she had kissed another man. I pressed further and she swore on our daughter that it didn't go further but I just didn't get a lot of confidence in her response and am really questioning if she is being truthful about how far their physical affair had gone. 

All of this is leading to my current dilemma and I have a million thoughts running through my head. Jealousy, anger, frustration, shame, and guilt are all there at different times. I think I can forgive but acknowledge that it will take counseling and time. I asked her to let me contact the person that she kissed who is a co-worker of hers. I don't know why I feel the need to do so but I want to confront him. I'm not the type of person that wants to go beat him up (although that crossed my mind for a moment) but for some reason I think talking with him will help me with some sort of closure as a man/husband. However, she doesn't want me to as she feels this is solely between us. I know who he is but have never met him before. I resisted the urge to send an email to him telling him to leave my wife alone but still fight an urge to do so nor will I contact him at work for the obvious HR reasons. 

We have had our fair share of differences with responsibility falling on both of us. We both earn incomes that together should allow us to live very comfortably but are consistently paycheck to paycheck over my wife's inability to budget and manage money. This causes enormous tension between us and since I manage the finances causes her to view me as "parenting" her whenever we talk about money. I freely admit that I've probably taken our marriage for granted and have not shown the affection or stated my affection to her, which caused her to look elsewhere. 

Now I don't know where to turn and hence why I am here. I have very few, if any friends that I feel I can turn to and talk about this. We have worked together for nearly 10 years and nearly all of my friends are mutual friends of hers or people I don't want to bring into our problems out of respect for my wife. I am going to start seeking a counselor next week because I am really struggling with my next step. By nature I hold everything in and do well with emotions but this is absolutely crushing me to the point where I can't keep a dry eye. 

I really still feel an attraction to my wife and absolutely want to help make it work for our daughter. I have a great relationship with her family, so much so that when she told her mother about our problems they sided more with me than with her. That said, I don't know if I can ever trust her again. I really want to try again and feel an attraction to her but at this point it isn't mutual and she hasn't felt truly "in love" with me for some time. I think we can recreate it but I don't want to put in the work to only be hurt again. 

To make this even more of a "life-crossroads" type moment, she is interviewing for a new job within our company in the near future, one that would maybe require a move. While this would be a promotion for her and a likely good career move for me as well, I'm not sure I want to move to a new location when my marriage is on the rocks and divorce could be in the future. I can't bear to think of being away from my daughter and am at a complete loss for what to do.

I realize this may be the longest introduction, advice-seeking post in the history of this forum but I have given this a lot of thought in my head and it feels so good to get it out. If anyone out there has been through anything similar, has seen family/friends go through something similar or can offer any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it. 

Thank you.


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Thought 1) She is dealing with some immense issues - sexual abuse/assault - and this is depressing, but, every time I have been with someone (as a friend) who deals with a crap issue like that (4 examples in my life), they need to start fresh... to move on and I became a reminder of that past life... I totally got dropped as a friend, 4 TIMES!!, after visiting them in the hospital, driving for hours, being with them... and I actually understand why.
I don't mean to be a jerk here, just thinking that this could be in play.

2) in-love is a chemical thing that really does naturally fade
I understand that long term love replaces it and can be wonderful if cared for right. I am the WRONG person to advise about how to make that work though.

In other news, individual counselling for each of you and marital for both of you. That is all I can think of here... 
Affairs, both emotional and physical, seem to happen a lot more than I thought - holy have I been reading this forum! And it sucks. And it can be overcome. 
And you've got a daughter.
But no matter what, you've both got to be in it. You seem to be. Help her get help deciding what she wants. Fight for her a bit, without begging. Maybe rekindling might be in order. A date. A romantic meal... But if she chooses to end it, it will suck. 
Where was I going with that? 
Uh... yah, it will suck... but you will survive. 
Behave toward your wife how you would want a partner to act toward your child when she is a grown up. Does that help?


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