# The choas we created



## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

10 years since my wife Cheated and I still get triggered about 1 time a year, it ruined both our lives. 

We have a sick love hate relationship. I was the kindest giving person, now Im a bitter miserable human. we went to hrs and hrs of counseling. 

Read every book we could get our hands on, my wife apologized to me for years, did every thing in her power to reconcile our relationship. I actually have a wonderful wife now but I cant stand her. 

I come home from work somedays acting frustrated just to get her to ask me whats wrong so I can tell her what I piece of crap she is. 

My therapist tells me I have PTSD from it. I had a metal break down from it, I would try to reenact the days leading up to her affair so I could stop her. I still give the guy who it was with absolute hell.

Im at a sick point in my life where I have relationships with other woman just to hurt her. I will do some stupid stuff to her like bring her home flowers, gifts and go on romantic vacations just to build her up to tear her apart. I make her feel like I have forgiven her then I let her catch me having an affair. i have figured out that emotional affairs hurt her the worst. 

I will go weeks not touching her or talk to her, ill make sure she sees how much other woman will talk to me. i will flirt in front of her, it breaks her heart but i love it. My advice to anyone who has recently been cheated on, leave divorce don't go down my miserable road of life. i think the only reason we stay together is money.

I started a business when we first married i became very successful. we are set for life now. i work about 4 hrs a day and she just shops all day buying what ever she wants, i figured that's why she stayed with me in the 1st place but its not. we own 3 homes that we could move into. we could divorce and split everything 50/50 and i would be ok. we enjoy each other misery. I fell into her narcist trap and cant get out. 

i lost all respect for woman and all hope in mankind. i basically just stay with her for sex. she had a ****ed up childhood and gets off on having sex with me after i make her feel like ****. its like the more abusive and cheat on her the better the sex is.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You'll never love her again until you can love yourself.

If you want to heal yourself .... get a divorce.

If you want distorted manipulated sex that will only feed your hate ..... stay on the same path.

Only you can decide.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

The sex is better because she knows you have options. This is sadly how women operate. Anyways I am sorry you're here. Do you have any children?


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

BruceBanner said:


> The sex is better because she knows you have options. This is sadly how women operate. Anyways I am sorry you're here. Do you have any children?


YES we have 3. I try my best to leave them out of this. we have one who she got pregnant with at the time of her affair. I knew she was having a affair so I got her pregnant to cause her even more chaos. I knew the child was my child but I would tell her it was the others mans. Im telling you it screwed up my head. brought out a side of me i never new i had


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## LimaTango (May 7, 2019)

Holy crap.

All that wealth but still trapped in misery.

Money isn't everything. Wouldn't you rather take the financial hit of a divorce to be with someone you really loved? Don't get me wrong.... I am a big believer in making a marriage work if at all possible. But I think you'd agree you're not in a healthy space.

What's the point of having money if you can't be your best self with it? I'd rather be poor than to feel like I needed to continually humiliate my wife for past transgressions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your therapist needs to be fired and replaced by someone competent.

They are like a physiotherapist who says: "You have a pulled muscle" but who declines to actually touch you to help fix the problem.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

BruceBanner said:


> The sex is better because she knows you have options.* This is sadly how women operate.* Anyways I am sorry you're here. Do you have any children?


No, this may be true for his wife in these circumstances however it is *not* how women, in general, operate.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Red Sonja said:


> No, this may be true for his wife in these circumstances however it is *not* how women, in general, operate.


Agreed. The more disconnected I feel the worse I am as a lover. And the relationship OP describes goes way beyond disconnected. 

OP, you are trapped because you've chosen to make yourself trapped. That is not on your wife, that's on you. Get a damn divorce, split up your crap and go live a happier life. 

And not all women are like your wife. My husband has not wanted me for years and I've never cheated on him, never even considered it. It's not who I am.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I am afraid you get some kind of perverse happiness from punishing her. Are you sure the kid she had while in her affair is yours?

After 10 years, it is time to stop this. If you can afford it financially, there is no reason to keep her around. You are only making yourself miserable.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This is no longer about her character or her actions.

It's about yours.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Red Sonja said:


> BruceBanner said:
> 
> 
> > The sex is better because she knows you have options.* This is sadly how women operate.* Anyways I am sorry you're here. Do you have any children?
> ...


Exactly

This kind of jaded venom is unhelpful


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Your therapist needs to be fired and replaced by someone competent.
> 
> They are like a physiotherapist who says: "You have a pulled muscle" but who declines to acItually touch you to help fix the problem.


This going to be exactly like the Bobert thread. This board is not equipped to handle these issues. Nothing good is going to come from this thread except more problems.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How long have you been married? What are the ages of the children?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jus260 said:


> This going to be exactly like the Bobert thread. This board is not equipped to handle these issues. Nothing good is going to come from this thread except more problems.


If that is your opinion, then step away from the thread.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> Agreed. The more disconnected I feel the worse I am as a lover. And the relationship OP describes goes way beyond disconnected.
> 
> OP, you are trapped because you've chosen to make yourself trapped. That is not on your wife, that's on you. Get a damn divorce, split up your crap and go live a happier life.
> 
> And not all women are like your wife. My husband has not wanted me for years and I've never cheated on him, never even considered it. It's not who I am.


Therapy has done her well. Not so much me she had a ton of childhood problems from a dead beat dad to abusive step father. I’ve told our therapist she wanted me to be just like the men in her childhood she gets off on that type stuff I think or at least she use to.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

My wife and I are open about everything. I also use that against her to get attention. I figure she looked through my phone this morning before I woke up, she sent me a text as left for the office about how much she loves me and hates the chaos she caused me. I will bet she will want to have sex tonight and I can’t turn her down. The moment she gets wind I had another trigger she will be all over me. It will calm me down for a while. It’s like it’s her way of apologizing and I like it


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Big10 said:


> Therapy has done her well. Not so much me she had a ton of childhood problems from a dead beat dad to abusive step father. I’ve told our therapist she wanted me to be just like the men in her childhood she gets off on that type stuff I think or at least she use to.


I'm glad therapy has helped her. I grew up in a crappy home as well. My mother was untreated bipolar until I was 10 and my Dad was a severe alcoholic. Guess, what? At some point I can't blame them for my actions anymore. I'm an adult and only I am responsible for what I do. Just like you can't blame your wife for yours anymore. It's been long enough that now it's on you to get your **** together or leave the marriage. What you are doing to your wife now is reprehensible. And honestly, the fact that she sticks around and takes it tells me that therapy hasn't helped her as much as you think it has.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It's tough to read this since you're essentially saying you're abusing your wife and some part of it feels good to you. Although it is emotional abuse instead of physical, it is still abuse. 

What happened to the guy who was posting such positive things a couple of years ago? You said you were like teenagers in love. Where did that go?

Since you have other homes, have you considered separating for some extended period of time to see if that helps?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Amazing that you have all of this agency in every aspect of your life except with your wife.

That you became a victim is her fault.

That you remain a victim is nobody's fault but your own.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Big10 said:


> My wife and I are open about everything. I also use that against her to get attention. I figure she looked through my phone this morning before I woke up, she sent me a text as left for the office about how much she loves me and hates the chaos she caused me. I will bet she will want to have sex tonight and I can’t turn her down. The moment she gets wind I had another trigger she will be all over me. It will calm me down for a while. It’s like it’s her way of apologizing and I like it


 You are abusive and manipulative and you know that you are. Furthermore you enjoy being that way. I would bet that you were this way before she ever cheated. No one's character changes this drastically just because they were betrayed. Honestly, if she were here I would advise her to divorce. She has done more than enough penance.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

wilson said:


> It's tough to read this since you're essentially saying you're abusing your wife and some part of it feels good to you. Although it is emotional abuse instead of physical, it is still abuse.
> 
> What happened to the guy who was posting such positive things a couple of years ago? You said you were like teenagers in love. Where did that go?
> 
> Since you have other homes, have you considered separating for some extended period of time to see if that helps?


I’m not like this all the time just when I get triggered. I turn into a monster. I have not been triggered in over a year. In 10 years my triggers have became less and less, but when I have them they are intense. Almost like DDay all over again.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Big10 said:


> I’m not like this all the time just when I get triggered. I turn into a monster. I have not been triggered in over a year. In 10 years my triggers have became less and less, but when I have them they are intense. Almost like DDay all over again.


Ok. I can understand that. We've all acted crazy when we're seeing red from anger. So like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Maybe consider going to a psychiatrist for some kind of medication you can take to mute the strong feelings. If it is something which springs up from time to time, maybe there's something you can take to help calm these feelings when they happen.

I can't remember all of your backstory. Is there anything in your past which is magnified by what she did? Maybe lack of trust or abandonment issues when you were a kid? It's not surprising that you have lost trust and a feeling of security in your relationship, which may be making you feel a lack of security in your self and place in this world. Maybe there's some unresolved issues that are contributing. But even if there aren't, the loss of trust from cheating alone is significant enough to cause issues like these.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Big10 said:


> I’m not like this all the time just when I get triggered. I turn into a monster. I have not been triggered in over a year. In 10 years my triggers have became less and less, but when I have them they are intense. Almost like DDay all over again.


Next time you have a trigger, go to a hotel for a few days until it passes but stop abusing the **** out of your wife. Enough is enough. I'm glad you are getting them less frequently but the behavior you describe is way over the top and still abusive, even if it only occurs during a trigger. Again, it's time to take control of your own behaviors. Go see a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy so you can learn new, gentler, safer, and less abusive ways to deal with your emotions during a trigger. 

Do you love your wife? If yes, please do as I'm suggesting.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> You are abusive and manipulative and you know that you are. Furthermore you enjoy being that way. I would bet that you were this way before she ever cheated. No one's character changes this drastically just because they were betrayed. Honestly, if she were here I would advise her to divorce. She has done more than enough penance.


I was not abusive at all before I would say I had some manipulative tendencies but was able to put them toward my business and building it. I will admit I spent a lot of time working on my business and neglected her time, We would talk about that. I would assure her I’m doing this for our families future. the affair happened a couple years after our business had became successful and I felt relieved that I could now spend time with my family and enjoy the hard work we both had put in. I will never forget the I love you but not in love with you betrayal bs. The lie how she told me she was going to a friends for a few days to take a break from the kids so she could rest and returning on Valentine’s Day. The kids and I had bought and made all kinds of neat valentines gift while she was gone to make her feel special and to let her know we appreciated all she does for us. She wouldnt even touch me that day. She walked through the house that day, pointed out every thing I needed to clean told me what a slob I was. She went straight to bed would not even read the stuff we had made her. I can still remember the smell of his cologne on my pillow a few days later and me asking her what is that smell you spray something on the bed. She told me I was crazy and did not smell anything. It’s a American Eagle cologne I can walk by it at the mall and get triggered. I’ve smelt it on someone, at a restaurant and go into panic mode again. I remember her smelling like paint from time to time, later to learn she would go to his automotive body shop and sleep with him on a air mattress in a garage floor but wouldn’t touch me in our dream home. I can’t even go to a auto body shop, I would rather lay my head on a pile of cow S#!+ then sleep on a air mattress when we took the kids camping. I’ll guess your probably not a killer but we all have the capability to be. I’d say if I put you in the wrong situation with a gun and some fear you’d be a killer to.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Red Sonja said:


> No, this may be true for his wife in these circumstances however it is *not* how women, in general, operate.


We will agree to disagree. No woman wants a man that no other woman wants. I think that's exactly how women in general operate.




Big10 said:


> I was not abusive at all before I would say I had some manipulative tendencies but was able to put them toward my business and building it. I will admit I spent a lot of time working on my business and neglected her time, We would talk about that. I would assure her I’m doing this for our families future. the affair happened a couple years after our business had became successful and I felt relieved that I could now spend time with my family and enjoy the hard work we both had put in. I will never forget the I love you but not in love with you betrayal bs. The lie how she told me she was going to a friends for a few days to take a break from the kids so she could rest and returning on Valentine’s Day. The kids and I had bought and made all kinds of neat valentines gift while she was gone to make her feel special and to let her know we appreciated all she does for us. She wouldn't even touch me that day. She walked through the house that day, pointed out every thing I needed to clean told me what a slob I was. She went straight to bed would not even read the stuff we had made her. I can still remember the smell of his cologne on my pillow a few days later and me asking her what is that smell you spray something on the bed. She told me I was crazy and did not smell anything. It’s a American Eagle cologne I can walk by it at the mall and get triggered. I’ve smelt it on someone, at a restaurant and go into panic mode again. I remember her smelling like paint from time to time, later to learn she would go to his automotive body shop and sleep with him on a air mattress in a garage floor but wouldn’t touch me in our dream home. I can’t even go to a auto body shop, I would rather lay my head on a pile of cow S#!+ then sleep on a air mattress when we took the kids camping. I’ll guess your probably not a killer but we all have the capability to be. I’d say if I put you in the wrong situation with a gun and some fear you’d be a killer to.


You're obviously not over this. You should likely just divorce.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

I'm confused - you say the only reason you stay together is because of money, but then you say if you divorced it would be a 50/50 split and you'd both be fine. So which is it?

Sorry you're in this situation, but the marriage sounds toxic and untenable in it's current state. Your wife had an affair and that is a horrible thing. But dude what you are doing to your wife right now is even worse. You've had multiple affairs and rubbed it in her face like it was dog sh*t. Is her debt not paid yet? Because she had the affair first she has no room to complain? Some sick sh*t going on here. Honestly I feel sorry for both of you. I would just divorce already.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Big10 said:


> I was not abusive at all before I would say I had some manipulative tendencies but was able to put them toward my business and building it. I will admit I spent a lot of time working on my business and neglected her time, We would talk about that. I would assure her I’m doing this for our families future. the affair happened a couple years after our business had became successful and I felt relieved that I could now spend time with my family and enjoy the hard work we both had put in. I will never forget the I love you but not in love with you betrayal bs. The lie how she told me she was going to a friends for a few days to take a break from the kids so she could rest and returning on Valentine’s Day. The kids and I had bought and made all kinds of neat valentines gift while she was gone to make her feel special and to let her know we appreciated all she does for us. She wouldnt even touch me that day. She walked through the house that day, pointed out every thing I needed to clean told me what a slob I was. She went straight to bed would not even read the stuff we had made her. I can still remember the smell of his cologne on my pillow a few days later and me asking her what is that smell you spray something on the bed. She told me I was crazy and did not smell anything. It’s a American Eagle cologne I can walk by it at the mall and get triggered. I’ve smelt it on someone, at a restaurant and go into panic mode again. I remember her smelling like paint from time to time, later to learn she would go to his automotive body shop and sleep with him on a air mattress in a garage floor but wouldn’t touch me in our dream home. I can’t even go to a auto body shop, I would rather lay my head on a pile of cow S#!+ then sleep on a air mattress when we took the kids camping. I’ll guess your probably not a killer but we all have the capability to be. I’d say if I put you in the wrong situation with a gun and some fear you’d be a killer to.


I'm thinking you do not really like the person you have become? Nor do you like her? Would you want one of your kids to be like you?

Hate/anger/resentment eat the vessel that holds them. Indifference is the opposite of love. IMO, she is still controlling who you are and what you stand for and you let her live rent free in your head. I believe that peace in your life will be very difficult to find unless you seek a better path.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Tex X said:


> I'm confused - you say the only reason you stay together is because of money, but then you say if you divorced it would be a 50/50 split and you'd both be fine. So which is it?
> 
> Sorry you're in this situation, but the marriage sounds toxic and untenable in it's current state. Your wife had an affair and that is a horrible thing. But dude what you are doing to your wife right now is even worse. You've had multiple affairs and rubbed it in her face like it was dog sh*t. Is her debt not paid yet? Because she had the affair first she has no room to complain? Some sick sh*t going on here. Honestly I feel sorry for both of you. I would just divorce already.


I feel if I didn’t have money she would have jumped ship when she had the affair. I think she stayed with me for the money she didn’t want the gravy train to end but now she knows we didn’t have a prenup. we built our wealth together from nothing she would be awarded half of everything, at this point I would not care. 

I think I stay because she warped my views on relationships and would be terribly jealous towards my next relationship. At times I feel like she broke me and she should live with it. I didn’t ask for this feeling she created it and she can lay in it.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Big10 said:


> I feel if I didn’t have money she would have jumped ship when she had the affair. I think she stayed with me for the money she didn’t want the gravy train to end but now she knows we didn’t have a prenup. we built our wealth together from nothing she would be awarded half of everything, at this point I would not care.
> 
> I think I stay because she warped my views on relationships and would be terribly jealous towards my next relationship. At times I feel like she broke me and she should live with it. I didn’t ask for this feeling she created it and she can lay in it.


So you're living in codependent hell. The only reason her affair has any power over you is because you continue to let it. That is on you. You're letting yourself be dragged down into a pit of darkness. The things you're doing now are making you hate yourself and your wife even more, and even worse than that you're getting some twisted satisfaction out of it. There is only so much a human being can take, and one of these days you're going to blow sky high. Don't let that happen. I don't see how your marriage makes it out of this, but at this point it's as much your fault as it is hers.

If I were you I'd call up one of your close guy friends, and tell him to come over and slap some fu*king sense into you. Then I'd go talk to a divorce attorney and end this BS of a marriage. Then work on fixing yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. I hope some day you want a better life for yourself.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Big10 said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > You are abusive and manipulative and you know that you are. Furthermore you enjoy being that way. I would bet that you were this way before she ever cheated. No one's character changes this drastically just because they were betrayed. Honestly, if she were here I would advise her to divorce. She has done more than enough penance.
> ...


Nah, this isn't about me.

This is YOUR character on display.

And I don't sense any motivation to change.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Big10 said:


> I’m not like this all the time just when I get triggered. I turn into a monster.


Just had another thought on this. You say you're not a monster all the time, just when you get triggered. Here's the problem, it's not like your wife just goes along all happy as a lark in between your triggers. Nope...she worries and waits and fears the unknown. Will he be a monster today or tomorrow or next week or never again?? You have a bad, emotional day once in a while, she's having them every single day while she waits for that monster to come abuse her again. 

Think about that and what that must feel like for her, every single day. Having lived with someone with borderline personality disorder, I can tell you that after a while, the days the monster appears are almost a relief because you don't have to worry about when he'll show up again. He's here. And that's no way for a person to live.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> Big10 said:
> 
> 
> > I’m not like this all the time just when I get triggered. I turn into a monster.
> ...


I'm thinking he probably likes this.

But truthfully? He isnt that different in mindset from at least a half dozen other people on the forum. He's just honest about it.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

Yikes.

Sound like you guys are stuck in a retarded spin cycle. Seethe, Screw, Satisfied (momentarily), Repeat. 

In one way it seems like its working for you both. You both seem addicted to the drama. And the cycle provides a steady supply.

But wow. This is not a good long term solution. The stress on you body alone is going to shave years off your life-expectancy. All that cortisol running amuck. 

Do you want a better life? For yourself? For her? For the kids?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I'm thinking he probably likes this.
> 
> But truthfully? He isnt that different in mindset from at least a half dozen other people on the forum. He's just honest about it.


Sadly, you're probably right. What I don't get is why he'd rather spend his time getting even than move on and have a successful life on his own? It's mind boggling to me. 

I wish I could find his wife and crack some sense into her skull as my mother would have said. 

This whole thing just makes me sick.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I'm thinking he probably likes this.
> ...


The secondary gain from being a victim can be intoxicating.

I do find it ironic that these lifelong victims usually consider themselves "alpha."


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> The secondary gain from being a victim can be intoxicating.
> 
> I do find it ironic that these lifelong victims usually consider themselves "alpha."


Yep. And if you have seen/read Vox Day's Socio-Sexual Hierarchy classifications, Gamma is probably more accurate.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> The secondary gain from being a victim can be intoxicating.
> 
> I do find it ironic that these lifelong victims usually consider themselves "alpha."




Yup. There is a huge difference between an alpha and a domineering, abusive man. HUGE.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

OP - You're wealthy so maybe try a long vacation on your own. Get some peace of mind and figure out what you really want out of life.

You're stuck/trapped in a rut with no joy. Time to try something new. 

Your choice - status quo or do something to change it. If you're in the same place a year from now, that's been your choice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tex X said:


> I'm confused - you say the only reason you stay together is because of money, but then you say if you divorced it would be a 50/50 split and you'd both be fine. So which is it?
> 
> .


Being fine and toxic greed are two different things. 

There are lots of people in toxic, destructive relationships that would be just fine financially, but they are so greedy and have so much avarice that they will subject themselves and their partner to further misery and despair just so they won't lose a couch or a TV.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> Just had another thought on this. You say you're not a monster all the time, just when you get triggered. Here's the problem, it's not like your wife just goes along all happy as a lark in between your triggers. Nope...she worries and waits and fears the unknown. Will he be a monster today or tomorrow or next week or never again?? You have a bad, emotional day once in a while, she's having them every single day while she waits for that monster to come abuse her again.
> 
> Think about that and what that must feel like for her, every single day. Having lived with someone with borderline personality disorder, I can tell you that after a while, the days the monster appears are almost a relief because you don't have to worry about when he'll show up again. He's here. And that's no way for a person to live.


That's actually kind of sugar coating it and giving it a free pass. 

All this is is an abusive, sadistic person making excuses for intentionally inflicting pain and misery onto his spouse. 

this is no different that any garden variety wife beater saying that his wife keeps "pushing his buttons."

Yes, she cheated and yes, things trigger him. 

Well guess what - life is full of triggers just as life is full of buttons for a wife beater. 

Things are going to remind him of her infidelity because no one forgets being cheated on. Is he going to have free pass to harm her every time he smells cologne in the mall or sees some TV show where someone cheats on their spouse or any time she wears the same color of lipstick that she wore when she was seeing the OM? 

Just as the wife beaters wife is going to bring home the Cambells green beans instead of the Green Giant green beans that he prefers. 

Abusive is as abusive does. Are we going to give free pass to the abuser that smells a cologne in the mall but not give free pass to guy who's wife brings home the Cambells green beans after he clearly told her he likes the Green Giant green beans???? 

It's all pushing buttons isn't it. 

He deserves to have her find someone else and dump his azz now. He has it coming and I hope it happens sooner rather than later. I hope she finds someone that treats her well. 

I'm pretty sure this post is going to get reported and pulled and I'll get suspended or banned. I just hope he sees it before it gets pulled.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Big10 said:


> I was not abusive at all before I would say I had some manipulative tendencies but was able to put them toward my business and building it.
> 
> 
> 
> I’ll guess your probably not a killer but we all have the capability to be. I’d say if I put you in the wrong situation with a gun and some fear you’d be a killer to.


I'm not buying this. 

A lot of people here have been betrayed and may be somewhat sympathetic and I know that tires gets slashed, APs get beat up and revenge affairs happen. 

But this is a whole other level of intentional, systematic cruelty and abuse that has being playing out for years and years. 

This was not a nice and decent person prior to the affair. 

The affair did not turn a normal, nice decent person into a monster. 

The monster was there all along sharpening it's claws and formulating a game plan. The affair just gave him the self-justification he needed to show his true nature. 

This is an abuser. These are the things abusers say and the way they justify their actions. They all have a sob story on how they are all nice and sweet and that they wouldn't do it if their victims didn't "push my buttons." They are all misunderstood and vilified and if their victims would just do what they say and be what they want them to be and never push any buttons then everything would be great. 

This is a wolf dressed up in a BS's clothing. Don't fall for it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> That's actually kind of sugar coating it and giving it a free pass.
> 
> All this is is an abusive, sadistic person making excuses for intentionally inflicting pain and misery onto his spouse.
> 
> ...


You have completely misunderstood what I wrote. I was trying to say that although he thinks he's a monster only once in a while, he is, in fact, a monster all the damn time because she has to live in fear of when he'll explode on her. I give him absolutely zero free passes on his horrific treatment of her. We are in complete agreement. 100%.

I've lived in that fear and it is no ****ing way to live. As I said in an earlier post, I wish I could find her and make her see that she doesn't have to take his abuse.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> You have completely misunderstood what I wrote. I was trying to say that although he thinks he's a monster only once in a while, he is, in fact, a monster all the damn time because she has to live in fear of when he'll explode on her. I give him absolutely zero free passes on his horrific treatment of her. We are in complete agreement. 100%.
> 
> I've lived in that fear and it is no ****ing way to live. As I said in an earlier post, I wish I could find her and make her see that she doesn't have to take his abuse.


No I understood you and think you were correct. I just didn't think you went far enough and once I got to typing, my fingers took on a life of their own and it probably looked like I was directing my post at you. That was my bad. I agree with you and then some. 

I wasn't directing that diatribe at you and my apologies if it seemed that way. 

I guess I had my own triggers and demons on that one.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> No I understood you and think you were correct. I just didn't think you went far enough and once I got to typing, my fingers took on a life of their own and it probably looked like I was directing my post at you. That was my bad. I agree with you and then some.
> 
> I wasn't directing that diatribe at you and my apologies if it seemed that way.
> 
> I guess I had my own triggers and demons on that one.


As you said, we all have triggers. It's how we respond to them that define us. I find your response quite understandable and forgivable :smile2:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Big 10 my man, what are we going to do with you Dawg. After ten years of this crap, I'm surprised you two haven't figured it out. I was on it like a duck on a june bug when you said, "_ i basically just stay with her for sex. she had a ****ed up childhood and gets off on having sex with me after i make her feel like ****. _ Both of you are into this game. What you need to understand is sexuality is the area of human most vulnerable to neurotic and psychotic behavior. Given your lengthy history, it is not terribly stretch to surmise y'all are into a form of BDSM with more focus being on the Sadism and Masochism aspects. She puts you, or you put yourself in a triggering situation, you treat her like crap, she gets turned on by her abusive master, and you get to dominate, punish and **** the bad girl. Don't be surprised. This is a more common human practice than you may realize. One thing is for sure. By your own admission, you're both getting sexual gratification out of these exercises.
The way I see it, you've got two options. Keep up this practice as two consenting adults or get separate psychiatrist.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I just have a quote for you by Andrew Murphy.

"You are confined only by the walls you build yourself."

Tear downs your walls and life will be so much better. If you are still holding on to the hurt and resentment after 10 years then you are building your own walls of misery. I do wish you well.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me that you fully understand what you are doing to your wife. Your intentions and deliberate and they are meant to hurt her like you were hurt. There is nothing here about forgiveness and truly moving on. Do you want to continue living this way? How much does she have to pay for hurting you? Can you forgive? If you love this woman find a way to let it go and start loving your wife.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Big 10 my man, what are we going to do with you Dawg. After ten years of this crap, I'm surprised you two haven't figured it out. I was on it like a duck on a june bug when you said, "_ i basically just stay with her for sex. she had a ****ed up childhood and gets off on having sex with me after i make her feel like ****. _ Both of you are into this game. What you need to understand is sexuality is the area of human most vulnerable to neurotic and psychotic behavior. Given your lengthy history, it is not terribly stretch to surmise y'all are into a form of BDSM with more focus being on the Sadism and Masochism aspects. She puts you, or you put yourself in a triggering situation, you treat her like crap, she gets turned on by her abusive master, and you get to dominate, punish and **** the bad girl. Don't be surprised. This is a more common human practice than you may realize. One thing is for sure. By your own admission, you're both getting sexual gratification out of these exercises.
> The way I see it, you've got two options. Keep up this practice as two consenting adults or get separate psychiatrist.


You maybe on to something because we have mind blowing sex after we go through this cycle


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

She told me she read my post. I came home to a great home cooked meal that was delicious My oldest kid is out of town and she dropped the other 2 kids off with her mother for the weekend. She has a bottle of wine on ice. I don’t get it I guess I’m just here for the ride. I’m probably as dumb found as you guys are


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I'm thinking he probably likes this.
> 
> But truthfully? He isnt that different in mindset from at least a half dozen other people on the forum. He's just honest about it.


Why are you using this guy's thread to attack other people on the forum?

Big, sometimes people do things that just can't be forgiven. Maybe her affair and the way she acted on Valentine's day is an unforgivable thing to you. If that is the case you need to do both of you a favor and just divorce.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not buying this.
> 
> A lot of people here have been betrayed and may be somewhat sympathetic and I know that tires gets slashed, APs get beat up and revenge affairs happen.
> 
> ...


You're pulling assumptions of out nowhere. In regards to how he was before this all happened all we have to go on is what the OP has told us. Plenty of people turn into bitter people after dealing with betrayal. Some people take being played for a fool very passionately.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BruceBanner said:


> You're pulling assumptions of out nowhere. In regards to how he was before this all happened all we have to go on is what the OP has told us. Plenty of people turn into bitter people after dealing with betrayal. Some people take being played for a fool very passionately.


Sure. But bitter is one thing. 

Being intentionally and systematically cruel and sadistic for 10 years is another. 

You can buy into it if you want and you can believe that cheating is a get-out-of-jail-free card that allows a BS to do anything they want to harm and torment the WS forever but I'm not buying it. 

Evil is as evil does. 

Whether he was a choir boy before this happened is immaterial. This has been his modus operandi for 10 years now. This is part of his being and part of his character now. He is a cruel, sadistic, manipulative spouse abuser. 

He doesn't deserve her and she can do better even if she did cheat 10 years ago. She needs to find an abused women's shelter and get away from him and file on his azz and try to get everything she can get off of him and start a new life without him. 

If you read any of my posts you will see that I am steadfastly in support of BSs standing up for themselves and taking their lives back and moving on. 

But this is all together different. This is abuse and intentional, systematic, calculated and institutionalized abuse and cruelty. 

If she turns up dead or in a hospital on life support, anyone here who stands up for him and defends his actions will have blood on their hands.


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## Dragan Jovanovic (Jan 16, 2019)

I was a realy good person before my wife cheated on me. Helping everybody,always doing the right things,never lay a finger on nobody. And then my wife cheated. That betrail made me into a monster. I cant even write here what I did to my wife and OM becouse I would be banned for life and somebody would turn me in the police. Such levels of betrail can realy change a man.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Dragan Jovanovic said:


> I was a realy good person before my wife cheated on me. Helping everybody,always doing the right things,never lay a finger on nobody. And then my wife cheated. That betrail made me into a monster. I cant even write here what I did to my wife and OM becouse I would be banned for life and somebody would turn me in the police. Such levels of betrail can realy change a man.


The question is though, are you still like that? Are you still breaking the law? Or have you done some healing and moving on from the pain? How long did it take for that to happen? 

I think the reaction most people have upon learning they've been betrayed can be construed as over the top. I mean, it's one of the worst feelings in the world. But if you can't learn to move past that and grow and heal that's a serious problem. OP has not healed and remains in a very unhealthy mindset after ten years. It's unhealthy for him and his wife.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

I wouldn’t say I’ve been like this the entire 10 after the affair. Btw it’s been a little over 10 years. We have been together 20 years. I also think the 1st 10 years of marriage was wonderful. Is this normal I feel like I was married to my real wife before the affair. in my nutcase mind I don’t even look at my wife as the same person. Before the affair I called my wife by her 1st name now I call her by middle her name. We do talk a lot about what’s going on we are very open to one another. The 3-4 years after the affair we worked hard rebuilding our marriage. My wife showed true remorse for what she had done.we went to marriage counseling regularly. I’d say what set me off was some years later, she was telling me how she really wished she would have never had the affair and when she described it, I felt like I was her backup guy. I was the real McCoy and this other guy was a fraud, but she liked the frauds attitude which was what attracted her to him. He was the bad boy and she liked the bad boy. I know for sure it wasn’t his dang looks she described the sex as very very good as in the best she had ever had. I’m very competitive and I could not handle this. I struggled trying to understand how she could enjoy someone who had no life, was a dead beat and straight up nasty looking, could rock my wife’s world like this. This guy was a stranger someone she had just met he was a married man who I later found out from his wife and people who knew him he was regular cheater who had to have multiple girl friends at all times. This dudes wife would fight you to the death over this guy, she had multiple assault charges from attacking his girl friends. My wife is attractive, his wife is attractive and I actually knew some of his other affair partners, they where all attractive. I wanted this I was jealous of him. I would think to myself how can this dude be so ugly, jobless and filed for bankruptcy but get all this attention I couldn’t get. My wife told me the only reason she stopped seeing him, she figured out she was not going to get any where with him in life. She figured out he was a fraud and the stuff he promised her he could never do. I ask for to much detail and she gave me all the details I wanted. We had been married for 10 years at this point our sex life had dwindled and I was crushed to know she could enjoy sex with another man. I wanted great sex with her I wanted her to be like his wife and fight for me. I wanted to be desired like this man and I knew I had one asset, one tool, a advantage this guy did not have I had money. I make very large deposits of money at my local bank. I was going to make a purchase for a item off craigslist and need to get some cash. I wrote myself a check but forgot to sign it. The bank teller was new young and very attractive lady. She told me I would have to go back to work and get this signed by the authorized person. I told her I was the owner and could sign the check. She said well I got to check and make sure she went to her bosses office I slid my wedding ring in my pocket and took a deep breath. I remember telling myself you got this and counted 123 go. She got the verification from her boss for me to sign the check and I was the account owner. I then ask if she could give me my account balance. I made sure every deposit I was going to see her. During this time I had been reading a books and watching YouTube videos on narcissist personality disorders, I had became obsessed with it and emulated this on that young lady. I had figured out that my wife affair partner used triangulation techniques to turn on his girl friends and wife. Also I had a friend who was always sleeping with different woman and married. I started asking him questions and hanging around him to see how he was doing this. I just emulated these people and using what I read on my wife. Yes I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted to see my wife’s reaction. The triangulation thing turned her on. She would bang my brains out in the bed room. It was like I had turn a sexual light switch on for her. I figured out what my wife’s sex trigger was. I don’t like being this person the difference between me and the narcissist is I feel huge amounts of guilt from having a affair. I do not like having sex with other people than my wife. I feel extremely nasty and disgusting. I don’t do this anymore But I do triangulate her with other woman. I’ll talk about how attractive I find someone and I’ll watch porn which seems to work on her. When we are out I’ll make it a point to flirt in front of her. I’ll take conversation to far with her friends to see where I can take it to sexually. I guess this is how we are coping with infidelity together and it works for us. It may be different from the normal but it’s how we do it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SecondWind said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > I'm thinking he probably likes this.
> ...


Because it's true


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Big10 said:


> She told me she read my post. I came home to a great home cooked meal that was delicious My oldest kid is out of town and she dropped the other 2 kids off with her mother for the weekend. She has a bottle of wine on ice. I don’t get it I guess I’m just here for the ride. I’m probably as dumb found as you guys are


Not me. I had a couple client once where they had a game of "catching her, dressed in a basque, and high heels, with her lover when he came home early" running the lover off, and spanking his wife for once again being a very bad girl. The down side is I never really knew what was under that basque.

Go back are read your latest post my man. You're in this game.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

I want to add this because it may help some of you wrap your head around this. My wife was sexually abused by her step father. I’ll go into details About our sex if it’s not allowed delete it. But I do think it’s important for some to read this. My wife will not touch me sexually she will actually disconnect. But when I do some unusual stuff we can have really good sex. She cant have oral sex or touch my penis at all. But when we do some of this weird role play stuff she will give me oral and have some incredible orgasms from me giving her oral. She will use sex toys which i like to watch. It’s like I said a light switch for her.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Dawg, we can almost see the gleam in your eye as you describe how turned on she gets when you discipline her for disappointing her master. You're in the lifestye my man and act like you don't know it.  If you read up on BDSM it ain't hard to find studies that show its the sexually abused chicks acting out a past history of sexual abuse that go for the BDSM lifestyle.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So, I've read the entire thread.

I'll ask the question no one else has to this point.

What is it you hope to get out of posting on TAM?
How can we help you?

Dont bother posting the details of sex between you and your wife. They are irrelevant. If you do, they will be removed. 

What is the ISSUE you hope to resolve?

Otherwise, respectfully, all your posts provide is a voyeuristic look into operational dysfunction.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Big. Is it all about the sex for you? If your wife weren't sexual after you emotionally abused her would you stay with her?


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Because it's true


Are you the town crier of TAM? Your opinion of other posters on this site has nothing to do with this thread or Big10. You're obviously triggered so why don't you back away and let others help Big10.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SecondWind said:


> Are you the town crier of TAM? Your opinion of other posters on this site has nothing to do with this thread or Big10. You're obviously triggered so why don't you back away and let others help Big10.


Lets be real clear here. Nowhere in any of Big10's posts has he asked for help.

He indicates he is already in therapy ... yet apparently continues to be abusive to his wife (which she responds well to), and cheats with other women.

We had a poster here a number of years ago who had a very high powered, successful, corporate wife. His issue was that he wasn't comfortable with the fact that his wife wanted him to abuse her sexually. She wanted him to hit her. Choke her, call her names and spit on her.

He couldn't in good conscience do those things ... that has wife wanted him to do. That was the issue he was trying to resolve.

Here we have something similar but it appears to be working for both parties, so I'm trying to understand what the OP wants to change by coming here and airing these details. By his own admission, he states that while operating within the dynamic they have, the sex is GREAT.

So again, where is the problem that needs fixing?


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Deejo said:


> Lets be real clear here. Nowhere in any of Big10's posts has he asked for help.
> 
> He indicates he is already in therapy ... yet apparently continues to be abusive to his wife (which she responds well to), and cheats with other women.
> 
> ...


You're right that he hasn't come right out and asked for help but he is obviously unhappy with his marital situation, except for the monkey sex he gets from it.

I still don't understand why that gives personofinterest the right to bash other unnamed members of this forum. Maybe that's ok on this site? It's not allowed on other forums I've been part of.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Deejo said:


> We had a poster here a number of years ago who had a very high powered, successful, corporate wife. His issue was that he wasn't comfortable with the fact that his wife wanted him to abuse her sexually. She wanted him to hit her. Choke her, call her names and spit on her.
> 
> He couldn't in good conscience do those things ... that has wife wanted him to do. That was the issue he was trying to resolve.


How did things end up for that poster? Do you have a link to his thread? It might help Big to read it.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

The great sex thing is just the same as what happens with many people who are betrayed. Whats it called? I cant remember but something like hypersexuality- but not that. We read about it here fairly often. It has something to do with reclaiming the spouse- goes back to the primitive brain- other people can explain it much better than I.

Suffice to say its not that unusual to be turned on by finding out someone else wanted/had your partner. When my H and I were going through a low period in our marriage and i suspected he was having an affair- suddenly I became much more sexual with him. Previous to that for a variety of reasons I was completely uninterested. I had disclosed to him that 25 years ago I had had an affair (so as not to be hypocritical and to encourage him to come clean). We had the best sex of our lives for at least 3 years. We are in our late 50's and it was any where anytime....it was crazy fun. 

Maybe yours is just like a prolonged version of that. You keep drumming up the feelings of being triggered to get you going and use the triangulation method on her to keep it going? 

I know that a betrayal can change who a person is - sometimes down to their core.I know that believing my H had an A changed me. I had never been a jealous or suspicious person- ever. In 30 years of marriage I could only count 2 times that I ever questioned his whereabouts or actions with other women. He was frequently helping female friends neighbours etc.... never bothered me. But after this -It triggered a type of OCD about it. 

I would say for both of us we suffered a sort of PTSD as well. We became, at times, explosive, angry and abusive. Most of the time everything was wonderful- we finally had the spouses we wanted- through years and years of counselling...but ...something would trigger me and id go off the deep end. 

It was sick. We both recognized it was sick. The drama and stress had a way of fueling our fire for each other in an unhealthy codependant way that was addictive. Its not at all healthy. You and your wife have taken this to a whole other level. It is beyond damaging to your marriage and to your mental health. Although you enjoy it -you are clearly not proud of who you are or what your marriage has become. The fact that you recognize your wife is complicite in this because of the abuse she suffered as a child makes it even worse to engage in it. You are re-injuring her at her most vulnerable spot. You know this. Stop it. 

Currently h and i have a new therapist who is teaching us ways to deal with our emotions in a more healthy mature fashion. For the sake of our marriage and also for the sake of our mental health. You should do the same. If you are not interested in changing this toxic mess I feel very very sorry for both of you- but more her- you have a choice- you can instigate a change for the good or get out. She probably has no choice- shes been programmed into accepting this. UGH.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

NJ2 said:


> The great sex thing is just the same as what happens with many people who are betrayed. Whats it called? I cant remember but something like hypersexuality- but not that. We read about it here fairly often. It has something to do with reclaiming the spouse- goes back to the primitive brain- other people can explain it much better than I.


Hysterical Bonding.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SecondWind said:


> You're right that he hasn't come right out and asked for help but he is obviously unhappy with his marital situation, except for the monkey sex he gets from it.
> 
> I still don't understand why that gives personofinterest the right to bash other unnamed members of this forum. Maybe that's ok on this site? It's not allowed on other forums I've been part of.


*Moderation note:* 

Is there a member you do not like to read posts from? You could consider using the Ignore function.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

And I thought my parents' relationship was dysfunctional...

Big, why are you posting? Are you wanting help to change or something? Or just looking for reassurance? Or somewhere to air your grievances? Somewhere to rant about the rotten hand life dealt you and your best attempts to get through it? 

You and your wife's relationship is so unique that I don't feel qualified suggestion on what to do. 

My concern is more for your kids. You said you have 3? 

How much of this do the kids see? And is this the kind of relationship you want your kids to pursue when they eventually get to that age?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Big10 said:


> I want to add this because it may help some of you wrap your head around this. My wife was sexually abused by her step father. I’ll go into details About our sex if it’s not allowed delete it. But I do think it’s important for some to read this. My wife will not touch me sexually she will actually disconnect. But when I do some unusual stuff we can have really good sex. She cant have oral sex or touch my penis at all. But when we do some of this weird role play stuff she will give me oral and have some incredible orgasms from me giving her oral. She will use sex toys which i like to watch. It’s like I said a light switch for her.


So how does this shed light on you treating her like crap? So.....her stepfather treated her like crap and made her feel damaged.

And now her husband feels justified in treating her like damaged goods.

Sounds fun to be her.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SecondWind said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Because it's true
> ...


Don't tell me what to do. Ever

OP, how do you really feel about your wife?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> So how does this shed light on you treating her like crap? So.....her stepfather treated her like crap and made her feel damaged.
> 
> And now her husband feels justified in treating her like damaged goods.
> 
> Sounds fun to be her.




She could leave at any time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Big10, it sounds like you're stuck in Endgame.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > So how does this shed light on you treating her like crap? So.....her stepfather treated her like crap and made her feel damaged.
> ...


 Actually probably not. I am sure her spirit and will are so broken with perpetual guilt by now that she feels she deserves all of his punishment. Look how she appeases him every time he throws a temper tantrum. She probably believes she deserves a lifetime of this.



Do you agree she deserves a lifetime of this?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow this sure hits close to home.
We're going on 9yrs of R and I can so relate to this post.
As phucked up as this is I think you are meeting each others needs. Having gone down the same path I can't judge you but I can thank you for sharing and posting.

Our old ladies have some kind of screwed up need, and as we all go through this we can only hope we can get emotionally healthy....until then keep on keeping on and if our chicks need a good spanking from time to time well better we are the ones to meet our spouses need then some POS that doesn't give a phuck about our wives.

Again thank you for sharing and I hope you guys make it.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Don't tell me what to do. Ever


Whoa girl, calm down. No need for that kind of hostility. I sense that this thread is triggering you and because of that you're attacking Big10. I think he wants to better his marriage because he is obviously unhappy about his marital dynamic and how he treats his wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> She could leave at any time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If she was not so badly psychologically damaged, she could leave any time she wanted.

*If*.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

It will take psychological counseling for both of them to improve their dynamic.
@Big10 are you there? I hope all the hostility hasn't put you off. Keep posting and you'll get ideas about how to improve things.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

DP


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

SecondWind said:


> It will take psychological counseling for both of them to improve their dynamic.
> 
> @Big10 are you there? I hope all the hostility hasn't put you off. Keep posting and you'll get ideas about how to improve things.


Yeah im here. Remember when I said kids are gone to the grandparents, this site was the last thing on my mind. Guess what? we talked about life and all the great times we had together, laughed at some of the crazy stuff we done together and had a great date night. Don’t forget we got 20 years of history together. My trigger level has subsided after this post, talking and some good sex. I’d say everything was pretty normal other then me spanking her pretty hard and asking her to tell me what’s the best **** she ever had. I didn’t get the answer I was looking for but, I liked the one I got all ****s are pretty much the same yours ain’t nothing special but you got the best tongue �� she has ever came in contact with. I think we making it just fine. I’ll be honest I would like to not have such intense triggers but some time I think she likes them.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SecondWind said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Don't tell me what to do. Ever
> ...


Wrong. I've never been treated the way he treats his wife.

I suggest you put me on ignore.

Big10, I ask again, how do you really feel about your wife?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I have never posted on someone else's thread as I am navigating my own infidelity fiasco and felt I really had no solid advise to give but this thread hurts my soul. The pain, the sheer agony is palpable in a way I have never seen here before.

I have been in a cycle like this...fight, have sex, a few days of peace and start it all over. To keep this up for a decade is astounding especially if there is no financial reason to do it. Big10 I implore you to get off the roller coaster, its not a fun ride, someone always vomits afterwards. What your wife did was horrible but no one deserves what you are doing to her and to yourself. I wish for you what I wish for everyone...Peace. 


I hope I didn't overstep and to be honest this was a huge wakeup call for me. I have only had a year to absorb what happened and I now see how excruciating my life will be if I can't get past the hurt. You can do this Big. Please take care of yourself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Big10 said:


> Yeah im here. Remember when I said kids are gone to the grandparents, this site was the last thing on my mind. Guess what? we talked about life and all the great times we had together, laughed at some of the crazy stuff we done together and had a great date night. Don’t forget we got 20 years of history together. My trigger level has subsided after this post, talking and some good sex. I’d say everything was pretty normal other then me spanking her pretty hard and asking her to tell me what’s the best **** she ever had. I didn’t get the answer I was looking for but, I liked the one I got all ****s are pretty much the same yours ain’t nothing special but you got the best tongue �� she has ever came in contact with. I think we making it just fine. I’ll be honest I would like to not have such intense triggers but some time I think she likes them.


Sometimes and i am not suggesting this pertains to your wife, but the old adage people would rather have the carrot than the stick but some would even settle for the stick than not to have any attention at all.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Big10. After your last post I'm out. You aren't here for help and I'm not here for porn entertainment.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

wife and I had a good talk about this. She does not find me mentally abusive to the point she wants to leave, She says she doesn’t find me abusive at all. She says she finds our relationships more healthier then almost anyone she know who’s been together for 20 years. She explained how a lot of the couples she talks to resent one another, rarely go on dates, have less sex then we do. They talk about all the stress and she feel we have a lot less stress then they do. She got a laugh about the carrot and a stick. She said she is 10x better looking then I am and not financially trapped if she was not happy she would leave in a second.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Actually probably not. I am sure her spirit and will are so broken with perpetual guilt by now that she feels she deserves all of his punishment. Look how she appeases him every time he throws a temper tantrum. She probably believes she deserves a lifetime of this.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you agree she deserves a lifetime of this?


Here we go again with femails being week and unable to take care of themselfs. It gets real boring...

She is sn adult and had no problem abusing her husband. She doesn't need a guardian. I wish people would stop always bringing this card up.

Yeah from time to time women and men are unable to get out of abusive relasionships but here it is always the case.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Big10 said:


> wife and I had a good talk about this. She does not find me mentally abusive to the point she wants to leave, She says she doesn’t find me abusive at all. She says she finds our relationships more healthier then almost anyone she know who’s been together for 20 years. She explained how a lot of the couples she talks to resent one another, rarely go on dates, have less sex then we do. They talk about all the stress and she feel we have a lot less stress then they do. She got a laugh about the carrot and a stick. She said she is 10x better looking then I am and not financially trapped if she was not happy she would leave in a second.



I certainly hope that's true and that your earlier posts were full of hyperbole to make your point. Because nobody deserves to live in the manner you described. 

Assuming your wife isn't just telling you what you want to hear, I still think that for YOUR sake, you should get some individual therapy to help you learn more constructive ways to cope with your triggers. 10 years is a long time to still have such extreme reactions. Leaving out what it's like for your wife, it can't be easy for you either. Find one who specializes in Behavioral Cognitive Therapy. It can really help.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TOMTEFAR said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Actually probably not. I am sure her spirit and will are so broken with perpetual guilt by now that she feels she deserves all of his punishment. Look how she appeases him every time he throws a temper tantrum. She probably believes she deserves a lifetime of this.
> ...


I'm sorry your hurt has affected you so severely


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think she had a pretty healthy response with all things considered. I mean after 10 yrs of R and it sounds like she is being honest.

I would love to comment on other folks posts but it's actual not cool to thread jack....so... she wasn't blowing smoke up your butt and hey... theirs noting wrong with being average. The things is it's your average she wants and not some POSOM giving her the average.

At the end of the day the both of you are being honest with each other in your own way and some folks here have a right to give "YOU" and only you their $0.02.

Just remember there is always room for improving your emotional health, but be warned what one person thinks is emotional healthy another person may see as boring...and when they get bored....any thing can happen and usually does.

You may have mentioned this, but does she know when you trigger or does she figure it out when she is hanging naked in the basement? LOL LOL

In my experience....my old lady figures out I'm triggering when I start posting at TAM....I had a spell back in April. 

I got this drama with the BIL and his D with his old lady. She's already banging OM and not even D. So I've been posting more then anytime last year.

Any way good luck ….forget about something in the basement so gotta go


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Big10 said:


> wife and I had a good talk about this. She does not find me mentally abusive to the point she wants to leave, She says she doesn’t find me abusive at all. She says she finds our relationships more healthier then almost anyone she know who’s been together for 20 years. She explained how a lot of the couples she talks to resent one another, rarely go on dates, have less sex then we do. They talk about all the stress and she feel we have a lot less stress then they do. She got a laugh about the carrot and a stick. She said she is 10x better looking then I am and not financially trapped if she was not happy she would leave in a second.


So life is good!

You have bags of money.
A beautiful wife, and hot kinky sex.

Is there anything else we can help you with?

Another TAM success srory!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Big10 said:


> She got a laugh about the carrot and a stick. She said she is 10x better looking then I am and not financially trapped if she was not happy she would leave in a second.


Sounds like she needs more time in the basement>


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Big10 said:


> wife and I had a good talk about this. She does not find me mentally abusive to the point she wants to leave, She says she doesn’t find me abusive at all. She says she finds our relationships more healthier then almost anyone she know who’s been together for 20 years. She explained how a lot of the couples she talks to resent one another, rarely go on dates, have less sex then we do. They talk about all the stress and she feel we have a lot less stress then they do. She got a laugh about the carrot and a stick. She said she is 10x better looking then I am and not financially trapped if she was not happy she would leave in a second.


If this guy is for real he is dense and malicious and to be frank has in my opinion no personal accountability for how HE acts. It is all her driving him to the point that he is someone he does not know... We all react and ACT differently. Your actions turned you into an abusive man not her affair. I would not want to know you, be friends with or help EVER... And your wife, poor thing does not even have a clue what a HEALTHY relationship is. You both care too much about money and comforts but still just HATE each other. 

What ever floats your boat... but you came here with an air of wanting to fix things, but I think you are happy to abuse. And seems she is either in serious denial, or too stupid with her own personal guilt to tell you the truth. 

So what ever dude... If you have a daughter...would you want her to be treated like this? Even if she also made a profound mistake in the past? Im sure you would not. Im sure you would put that man six feet under and pave that grave over.....


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> If this guy is for real he is dense and malicious and to be frank has in my opinion no personal accountability for how HE acts. It is all her driving him to the point that he is someone he does not know... We all react and ACT differently. Your actions turned you into an abusive man not her affair. I would not want to know you, be friends with or help EVER... And your wife, poor thing does not even have a clue what a HEALTHY relationship is. You both care too much about money and comforts but still just HATE each other.
> 
> What ever floats your boat... but you came here with an air of wanting to fix things, but I think you are happy to abuse. And seems she is either in serious denial, or too stupid with her own personal guilt to tell you the truth.
> 
> So what ever dude... If you have a daughter...would you want her to be treated like this? Even if she also made a profound mistake in the past? Im sure you would not. Im sure you would put that man six feet under and pave that grave over.....


I don’t think we hate one another I’d say we hate our mistakes we made


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Big10 said:


> I don’t think we hate one another I’d say we hate our mistakes we made


Why aren't you answering the most important question that was asked? 

And what I asked? 


Do you think this is a healthy environment for children to grow up in? 

More importantly, is this the kind of relationship you want your kids to pursue?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Big, 

I'm tired of being subtle about this. And however many other people that actually care are also tired of it: 
THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FOR YOUR CHILDREN

What two consenting adults do, I don't care. If your wife is happy to be emotionally/mentally tormented, and rewards you with crazy sex, more power to you. I'm sure there are others that are very jealous of your life. 

The kids are going to be the casualties of this dysfunctional relationship. 

I'm the casualty of my parent's dysfunctional marriage (and some...lots of cheating). And I can see the change in my personality just from my posts here on this site from a few years ago to now. And I'm now 26. I'm an alcoholic, philandering, lying, psychopath. And my parents' relationship fell apart at 20. 

What do you think your kids will grow up to be experiencing this relationship several years (10, 15?) before I did?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Big10 said:


> I don’t think we hate one another I’d say we hate our mistakes we made


Hum...if that was the case you would not be acting this way to her. You would be making yourself suffer for YOUR own actions... 

You obviously dont see that your actions and your (thinking/beliefs) dont match up.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I'm sorry your hurt has affected you so severely


I'm not hurt at all.

I thing you misdunderstod me, might be because english isn't my first language.

Anyways i just complained that many here almost always expresses that the woman is week and unable to fend for herself etc.

I just find that degrading, very false and a sentiment that was common 50 years ago.

Women are just as capabel and prone to weekness as men and it would be refreshing if the "weekness" claim wasn't the first thing that always pops upp. Specially when no knowledge of the woman is known...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TOMTEFAR said:


> I'm not hurt at all.
> 
> I thing you misdunderstod me, might be because english isn't my first language.
> 
> ...


Let me give you a psychology 101 lesson: a woman who is systematically abused, intimidated, never knowing when the next blowup will be, etc. WILL be weakened. That is scientific and social science FACT. It isn't degrading, it is the well-documented affect of systematic abuse.

So no, you are wrong about this.

He has been a walking time bomb for ten years.


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Wife says to let you know she is not scared of me and actually finds that funny.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

So all is good then?


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Let me give you a psychology 101 lesson: a woman who is systematically abused, intimidated, never knowing when the next blowup will be, etc. WILL be weakened. That is scientific and social science FACT. It isn't degrading, it is the well-documented affect of systematic abuse.
> 
> So no, you are wrong about this.
> 
> He has been a walking time bomb for ten years.


And so is any man. But here it's only a card played for women and it is played for slmost all women. Never for a man. 

I'm not saying it's never true but it is Always the goto here. It's realy onesided and always called. 

And for this case you are dead wrong as probarbly in many cases.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

All bets are off after infidelity. I hope you two divorce for your own sake and everyone around you taking the fallout.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TOMTEFAR said:


> And so is any man. But here it's only a card played for women and it is played for slmost all women. Never for a man.
> 
> I'm not saying it's never true but it is Always the goto here. It's realy onesided and always called.
> 
> And for this case you are dead wrong as probarbly in many cases.


LOL sure sweetie


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## Big10 (Nov 30, 2017)

Thanks everyone I had triggered last week now I’m back to normal and did nothing to jeopardize my relationship.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> All bets are off after infidelity. I hope you two divorce for your own sake and everyone around you taking the fallout.


Actually, I think that as bad as they are for each other, they may be even worse for anyone else. At least if they stay together the dysfunction is contained.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This selectiveness with which some people promote personal responsibility is interesting and somewhat amusing.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> LOL sure sweetie


Yeah well Big10's wife said so so you are wrong.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TOMTEFAR said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > LOL sure sweetie
> ...


 Lol, that just gave me a flashback to when I taught 2nd grade


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Lol, that just gave me a flashback to when I taught 2nd grade


I feel sorry for the kids you taught.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Another satisfied customer.

Thread closed.


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