# Please help with porn issue?!



## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Ok so I completely understand that basically all men look at porn of some sort, even some women too and ultimately there's nothing wrong with that...UNLESS it starts to interfere with your relationship with your spouse. For instance, when my husband and I met he watched porn several times a day, everyday and wanted to watch it with me. Then after 2 months or so of that, I realized that he was seriously addicted to porn, he would not only watch it with me, but spend what totaled up to hours in the bathroom a day and it got to the point where I said enough is enough, you've got a problem.

I'm sitting in the living room by myself and he's watching porn in the bathroom when I'm right there, of course it didn't make me feel so great. I would like to say that there weren't any insecurities, but there were. I know that I'm much better looking and in better shape than most of the *****s that he would watch, but it made me insecure because he went to the computer to get off instead of coming to me. He said he would stop looking at it completely if it bothered and hurt me that much. Well, due to all of this arguing, we were only having sex maybe once a week. I realize some may say wow, that’s great, but not when it went from being several times a day or even everyday to once a week. I knew something was off.

Yes, I shamefully admit to putting a spy monitoring software on our laptop, and that only made him lose trust in me and made me even more upset when I found he had been watching it. He knew the software was on the computer because I told him when I did it, that just made him mean and spiteful. He would purposely look at porn to upset me when we would fight because he knew I would check the log and obviously wanted for me to get upset. Well I found that he couldn't go more than 2 weeks at a time without looking at it and that was about the frequency of our sex life at that point. So I definitely felt like something was wrong. All along, he continued to say that there was nothing wrong with it if it didn’t interfere with our sex life, well I constituted me being hurt by it a major interference! Apparently, he didn’t see it the same way because regardless of him telling me he would stop, he never has to this day.

Once we were able to talk about it calmly and rationally (after I brought it up so many times and explained how hurtful it was) he said to me that he felt I didn’t fully understand it and why he did it, so he wouldn’t stop until he felt I completely understood the dynamics and THEN was still upset. Only then would he feel I tried my very best to understand where he was coming from and if I was still hurt by it, then he would stop. Of course I understood, but after the first mention of him having a problem he only started hiding it and lying to me about it. That only causes more problems and no one wants that, I know I didn’t.

So he’s recently explained yet again that there's nothing intimate about it, it's only a way to get off really quick and go about his day. As women, of course we would like for them to come to us for it, even if it's not so intimate and play into our husband's fantasies and have a quickie or whatever. So I expressed this to him and his response was that he didn't think I would be ok with it being all about him or with it being quick. Well sure, it can be all about you, but it would also be nice if there were times when it's all about me too. Not that I'm thinking ok if I do this, then I'll get that. But if after so many times of only him getting off, it seems like he's being selfish in bed. I pretty much began to think that's my only chance of being satisfied with him so of course I’ll get upset because I know from experience there won’t be an encore. If we were intimate more frequently and BOTH our needs were being met, I would have absolutely no problem.

So I said if he’s not neglecting me and OUR sex life, I have no problem with him watching porn, but please stop hiding it. His response was “so as long as you’re getting off then I can do whatever I want.” Someone please tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way. We also agreed and made it EXTREMELY clear that it’s not cool to watch porn when the kids are awake AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT. It’s totally cool if they’re not here, laying down for their nap or asleep at night, but don’t even think about it while they’re awake. Without hesitation, he said absolutely, I think that goes without saying…apparently not. Our children are 3 and 4 years old, so I think this is pretty reasonable to assume it would be incredibly inappropriate.


Well, just a few weeks ago I had a few errands to run and he was watching the kids that morning before he went to work. I got home and he had the history pulled up on the computer and when I asked him why, I could tell he was lying. I found that he had been watching porn while he was watching our kids that morning, not even 20 minutes after I left!!! I have never been so incredibly disgusted, I did not know what to say or even think. I seriously could not believe that he thought it was ok to jerk off to porn while he’s here at home watching our children. Are there really guys out there that will watch porn with their kids in the next room? Is it common for men to leave 2 toddlers alone to play while they go into the next room to jerk off?!?! I seriously believe this constitutes a major problem. Any advice from men or women???

Edited to add that two doors were between him and the kids and they were watching tv in the living room. They were nowhere near him when he was doing it and it was for half an hour.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Yes it is a problem at that rate i would be satisfied with outta sight outta mind but if cannot stop because it offends you if he cannot come to you for a " get off " as long as you're willing and for sake of sakes he cannot at least not do it win the kids are around it becomes the same as alcohol drugs and gambling so yes he needs help or he may lose his family to porn i made my decision and it was not that hard he should feel the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bella09 said:


> So I said if he’s not neglecting me and OUR sex life, I have no problem with him watching porn, but please stop hiding it. His response was “so as long as you’re getting off then I can do whatever I want.” Someone please tell me I’m not crazy for thinking this way.


 I absolutely agree with you. He does have some kind of addiction here. It is so NOT ok to be avoiding intimacy with his willing wife while he jacks to porn. Probably why most women hate it and for good reason under these circumstances. 

As far as the kids, at least it IS in a different room , with 2 closed doors -while they have a TV going for their entertainment. I think that is less of an issue than him having to DO THIS every time you leave the house. Unless you are concerned about their safety, being left with him. 

The hiding, the lack of intimacy, how it is making you feel, and possibly the children's safety -being so young & alone in another room -because he is not controlling these obsessive urges. 
He needs help.


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

Become a porn star, get the old video camera out and tell him you would like to make some home movies, how about reaching up to the top shelf with a short skirt and no nickers, etc etc etc, no home rental is ever going to beat the real thing!


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Wade- that's what I thought, well ok I'll just explain to him how much it really does hurt me when he literally avoids me and turns to porn all of the time, but that didn't work out so well. I honestly believed that if he really knew how much it hurt me that he would just stop without question. I thought he would say something like wow, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize that it made you feel this way, it’s not important, you are very important, so you don’t have to worry about it ever again. So I pretty much said, I'm more than happy to "help you" when you're in need, but the porn continued. So recently I've said whatever, do what you want because you will anyway and I honestly just try not to think about it, I even suggested that we watch together and we did once or twice, but he doesn't seem to be into that. So once I said whatever, watch it, he was watching it several times a day for more than a week until I said look that's a bit ridiculous.

SimplyAmorous- I really think that any man in love with a woman feeling like this would say, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you so I’ll stop. Because all of these random situations have happened, it keeps screaming at me that he can’t…I don’t know what to think. So I make myself available to him all the time and I ordered so much lingerie and costumes and as a result over the past two weeks it's been incredible and as far as I know no porn...until today (I’ll explain below after responding to each of you). I did however find a porn magazine wrapper in the laundry 2 days ago and he came clean with me and told me he’s had it for over 2 months now, but it sucked and I could throw it away. My question is if he actually liked it would he say I could throw it away??? Is he only saying throw it away because it’s no good or because it might hurt me that he’s got it? He said he wanted to have something that I couldn’t control…I don’t want to control him, I just don’t want be hurt by this, if he does it and lies, it hurts, if he does it and is honest, it still hurts so why can’t or won’t he stop completely?

Zulu- As I said above it's been great over the past two weeks. I’ve been wearing my hair the way he says he likes it best, I’ve been wearing shirts accentuating my breasts because he’s said he likes when I wear shirts like that. I’ve been wearing skirts EVERY SINGLE DAY, above the knee, everything I can think of to get him to look at me (within reason, we have 2 toddlers, but sometimes I change after they go to bed) I even made a video just for him in one of these outfits I ordered. I went so far as to say well you may not like all that I was doing, but let me know what you liked the best and what your favorite parts are so I can make the next one better. He said I was putting to much emphasis on this video and of the 20 min video, he told me he liked one part. Didn’t really say I love the video that you made me, it’s so awesome, not like he talks about some of his favorite porns anyway. Which tells me he doesn’t like it all that much, but I tried asking questions so I can make the next one better and didn’t get much of a response. 

Well today when he got up he went straight to the bathroom...he works nights right now, I was in the living room and the kids were napping. Did he watch my video? Probably for all of 2 minutes or so, the rest was a porn that he downloaded and other "sexy workout" videos on you tube. I let him know that it upset me, well I pretty much started crying and walked out of the room. He first started getting defensive, then I think he realized how much effort I've really put into this and that he totally disregarded it and was acting extremely selfishly and it really f****** hurt me. He explained that he had just woken up and forgot all about the video I made so he watched you tube then the porn and then remembered and pulled up my video. Most importantly he actually APOLOGIZED to me for hurting me and said that he could definitely understand why I was upset. THIS IS EXTREMELY RARE!!! So he said the only reason he didn’t pull mine up first was because he forgot about it and that he tried to leave it open so that I would know he watched it…He also said he can understand why it's hard to believe me considering him lying to me about this in the past and my hesitancy to trust him on this. So I started to feel better...until I pulled up the videos to find out when they were accessed and he pulled mine up then closed it, pulled up the porn, then pulled mine up. This tells me that he wanted me to think he was watching only my video, especially since he said he tried to leave it open so that I could see he watched it. He closed out the porn and closed the tabs for the you tube videos. He deleted the porn video from the computer and said he wouldn’t watch it again or try to download it again, that I turn him on, it wasn’t that great and he would have rather been with me, but then why didn’t he? Why would he lie to me while apologizing and say that he forgot about my video when he clearly watched it, closed it and opened porn? I’m trying to not think about this because it kills me. It seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try, he’s still going to turn to porn to get off on. I guess I just need a non-biased party’s opinion. I asked him why he lied and he said he didn’t remember which he pulled up first, which means he knows I caught him in a lie, he knows it really hurt me and he honestly seemed like he was sorry. He also said that I turn him on so much more than any video ever could and to “just go with him on this”…pretty much saying look I know I screwed up, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I didn’t even think about it before doing it so please accept my apology and let’s move forward. He said that I’m so important to him and that I mean so much, again that I turn him on so much more than any video ever could…pretty much I’m sorry please let this go and I’ll show you it’ll get better. Should I let it go and address it if it happens again or what? I don’t like being upset with him, but he knows that I can usually sleep things off. I just don’t want him walking all over me like he’s done in the past and have him think oh well she’ll get over it. I was so upset today I could barely talk. It was a pretty stressful day to begin with, our kids have been having some behavior issues and it seriously stresses me out, taking care of them and the house, making meals and not really any time for me…then I find this out and my first thought was why do I put up with this, I can’t take it anymore, it’s slowly tearing me apart inside. I guess I never thought our sex life would change at all, but that has gotten drastically better, but it’s always me initiating or sending him a text saying I’ll be waiting when he comes home. So does that mean this could change too? The past few weeks in the intimacy department have been great- both in the bedroom and out, but how do I get him to initiate and come on to me? It feels like I’m putting so much effort into all of this and the only thing I’m getting is **** thrown in my face. I’m getting the great sex and love life with my husband, but it doesn’t feel like he’s putting any effort into any of this, he’s participating, but who wouldn’t? What more am I supposed to do? I won’t give up, it would seriously take a lot for me to throw in the towel. I think of those husbands that go out and cheat on their wives all of the time or those abusive husbands, either of those would be so much worse, but it doesn’t make my hurt go away. I know I shouldn’t really compare because every individual and every relationship is so unique, but he always uses those comparisons when I express to him how hurtful it is that he watches porn. He says I don’t go out to bars to pick up chicks and cheat on you, but that’s no justification. The way it makes me feel is horrible, my heart starts beating out of my chest, I feel this overwhelming sense of hurt and I sob like a baby. I’ve never felt insecure in a relationship like I do when he does this and it doesn’t help that in the past he’s said things like, it’s so much easier to jerk off to porn because I don’t have to deal with your disappointment or argue or explain why I’m not feeling it, etc. When we’ve argued about this in the past, he’s said, “I’d be so much better off alone so I didn’t have to deal with this”. It all seems to come down to this one issue, other minor issues are usually resolved pretty much right away. He’s said he feels like I get upset because I can’t control this aspect of his life, but I don’t want to control any part of him, I just don’t want to be hurt by his actions or words! That’s not trying to control anything right?? Saying I don’t want to be hurt by this thing that you do so please stop doing it? It’s not like I can just stop caring so that it won’t hurt, I care and I love him, so it hurts. Another thing that hasn’t helped much is that he’s talked to his mother about this and she sees absolutely nothing wrong with him watching porn, in fact she started buying porn magazines for him when he was like 11 or 12. He even brought the fact that I get upset when he watches it to her when we were visiting her in May- how embarrassing and uncomfortable that was! She of course sides with him and has the “guys will be guys” mentality. When this was brought up and he started airing all of our dirty laundry to her in front of me I didn’t know what to do. It didn’t turn out well to say the least, her immediate response was directed to me and it started like “well you need to realize that when him and so and so were married…” and I stopped her there because I know all about his past, I understand everyone has a past and it has an impact on who they are today, but his past with his ex-wife should not be relevant to our present marriage. If he still had or has a chip on his shoulder because of things that happened when they were married, then he needs to work through that or should have before we ever got together. There should be no basis for a comparison or for his mother to come at me saying well you need to realize…His mother now tells him to “be careful of wolves in sheep’s clothing”, referring to me. Due to me not wanting to hear what she had to say, I was put in an incredibly awkward situation to say the least, I did not want to discuss any of it with her and she didn’t like that very much. So his mother condones it, it hurts me and he has told me I’m not his mother and I need to stop trying to control him. Is my vision clouded here? Am I going crazy? Would this not hurt anyone else? Does it seem like I’m trying to control him in any way because I don’t want to be hurt this badly by anything that he does? I know this is a long read, so thank you to all of you who actually read it all. I welcome and would really appreciate any advice, tips, similar situation stories, etc. Even if you don’t agree with me, I’d really like to hear what you have to say. Again I need some input from a non-bias party(s).

EDIT- I fell asleep in one of these costumes for him last night, but when he came home this morning he went right to sleep without rolling over to give me even a kiss. I didn't say anything, I figured he was tired and we would spend time alone later, then he woke up 5hrs later to watch porn...instead of coming to me.


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

You have done more than I would have done. He has a problem, don't let him hurt your self esteem. It's NOt you. You deserve better.


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## rainbows (Jun 29, 2010)

Tell him to get counseling. Imo, if he refuses you should leave him. Maybe not a divorce, but def separation until he understands that what he's doing is damaging you and your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cardiaincali (Aug 4, 2010)

I am glad my partner doesn't get into the stuff (and don't roll eyes, or say yeah right) it's something we dont believe strenghtens our relationship-sex for us is just that between us, me, him, bedroom, anything goes.. dont need to involve anyone else whether it be a magazine, video, whatever.. (we do have other issues, thus the registration on this site!lol) Not all men are like that bella09- and you shouldn't put up with it. Some women can when it doesn't take over, and that's their choice, but basically it HAS taken over, he's become obsessed and addicted to the extent he is bring it SO close to the eyes of your children.. I would not want my 3 year old walking past images and video's like that, it's disturbing and wrong for any child to witness ADULT material. I don't believe you should be exhausting yourself to such an extent over it. It will tire you so much you could suffer stress and it's just not healthy for you when you are doing everything right. I agree with the past posts that say LEAVE-if not for good, for awhile. You are all he needs to be satisfied. Your worth more


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

An addiction is an addiction, regardless of what it is. The "you are only making a fuss because you can't control that aspect of my life" is a textbook phrase that addicts use every day to explain away their unhealthy behaviours. Unfortunately the addict won't get help until he realises himself, in his heart, that this is a problem. The denial can go on for a very long time, not always but quite commonly. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change his mind in the meantime... you just gotta wait until he is ready to give it up. Yes, it really sucks. Some people have to lose everything before they can admit to themselves that they have a problem. I know its easy for me to sit here and say "leave him!" but the bottom line is, nothing will change until he's ready. It is the way addictions work


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Let's face it from a womens perspective, in a perfect world men would not look at porn alone. some women are ok with it some not. I think this is a grey area and it is great that people have not chimed in about how "their man would never" and "men should never have to...." or engage in an achedemic discussion about men/porn in general. as that is not productive to resolving your situation.

I am sympathetic the desire for men to view porn/whack it. There are other postw in my mind that make me not respond as i have not been sure how to advise. Yours is not one of them.

YOUR HUSBAND HAS A PROBLEM!

He has repeatedly hurt you with his problem, lies about it and causes you neglect because of it. His denial that it is wrong is indictative (as others noted that there is a problem. 

As i father i take every opportunity to spend time with my kids. In fact I love when my wife leaves me at home with the kids so I get quality time with them to spend reading, teaching them to swim, play sports or sometimes we watch a kiddie movie and cuddle. I actually feel guilty when i do house projects or work as i am missing that time with them. While my commitment to my wife/kids may be a little extreme i think there are allot of husbands/dads that place similar priorities on things. 

Running off to the bathroom when your wife runs out and when your toddlers are nearby is not questionable, it is horrible and he should be ashamed. Get counsiling, threaten to leave him/tell his family (if it is trully ok how would he react if other people knew his "innnocent" habit and how out of contoll it is. The fact that he is neglecting your needs makes it that much MORE terrible. 

While your situation warrents professional intervention i would examine if your husband is just a jerk in allot of areas or is it just the porn area. That would drive my willingness (if i were you) to stick by him while he works on his problem. 

God bless you and your family and good luck. I hope you can work this out for you and your kids. Whatever that may entail. Despite notions to the contrary there are alot of good people in the world. Don't feel you have to stay in a bad situation out of fear of being alone.


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my posts on this and give me honest feedback. I can't for the life of me understand why he still does this (last time was a week ago after I made video for him) knowing how much it really hurts me. I don't understand why he says things like, "oh you just make yourself cry trying to control me". So I've asked him if there's anything that I do that truly makes him feel as bad as I do when he jerks off to porn. His responses have been, you know the things that you do that bother me and just because I don't cry doesn't mean that you don't do things to upset me. I've continued to ask, but do those things really make you feel like s***, make you feel insecure, make your heart beat out of your chest with uncontrollable stress, make you unable to speak it hurts so much? His response is usually, you know what you do that bothers me, but obviously nothing I do makes him feel this bad. So a few nights ago he was reading an issue of Men's Health and there were stats about men watching porn that he felt the need to read to me out of the blue which of course led to him trying to justify watching it because other guys do. I again asked him if there was anything that I've ever done or could do that would make him feel as I do when he watches...his response this time was, "if you were to go out to clubs while we're together I would feel pretty bad". Before we ever met I used to go out dancing to clubs with girlfriends, but never to pick up guys, in fact we had a rule and would not even dance with guys. So I asked him if I needed to go out to a club to get him to feel the way I do, so that he'll see for himself how bad it actually feels and maybe then he'll stop. His response was, "well no because that would actually put our marriage & family in jeopardy, putting yourself in a physical situation that could lead to you cheating on me". I then said, "well to me everytime you look at porn, it's like you're cheating on me. Because I'm always willing and make myself available to you, yet you choose to watch other women in situations to get off by yourself rather than actually do those acts with me." His response, "if that's the same as cheating to you then it's ok for me to go out and cheat then?" So to answer you TJ- yes he really can be a jerk to me for no reason at all, simply when I try to explain how I feel to him. He'll start to make fun and say well you expect to be treated as an equal, but you come to me crying and I don't want to talk to you when you're like that. I don't come to you crying and expect you to listen. Women expect to be treated as equals but they aren't the same as men..." and goes on. it's like he's got this idea of traditional roles in marriage that he really expects for me to fit into, but won't do the same himself. So he's recently started to say that I'm trying to control everything about him and that I'm so dominant...that he never gets to go and do anything that he wants to do, etc. I said well when do I get to go and do anything for myself? In the past whenever he's wanted to go and do something it's always literally been last minute and he'll either call me on his way home from work or tell me once he's got home that he's going somewhere and gets mad at me when I'm like thanks for the notice can't you do it some other time. Like it would be so bad for him to plan it a few days ahead of time...it makes me wonder when he does stuff like that, like why does it have to be right now, why can't it be in a few days? He always says, you should be glad I don't go out to bars all the time, cheat on you, etc. He says, I'm an honest man, I'm a good father, i work alot, etc. so you shouldn't have anything to complain about. He says it like I can help the way it all makes me feel. I honestly can only come to 2 conclusions, either he just doesn't care and love me as he says he does or he really does have a problem and is in denial. I really want for us both to be happy in our marriage and I don't want to leave, but I really can't take feeling so terrible when he watches porn and then tries to justify it to me, he's a grown man and can do what he wants, etc. regardless of how it makes me feel. I understand he is a grown man and can do what he wants, but when he does this it honestly makes him seem like an immature, horny teenager and not a man who loves and cares about how his wife feels. My only hope is that he can acknowledge how it makes me feel and just stop doing it so we stop going around and around about it and can just move forward happily. The amount of arguments and problems it's caused you would think he would stop just to get along better. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, everytime we talk about it, the same things get said and he never gives in although I have several times. Do you honestly think that separation would cause him to realize what he's doing is wrong and that it's causing so many other problems in our relationship? Yes, it is much easier said than done. I can't even imagine leaving him, I just want to get it worked out so we can both be happy. Again, thank you all for your comments, advice, etc. Please continue to send more as I check this everyday for more unbiased perspective.


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## summer10 (Jul 15, 2010)

It sounds to me like he's looking for a way out of the relationship and hoping to make you so angry that you'll leave... as you should if not for yourself but the kids.


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## bella09 (Jul 5, 2010)

Ok, so he's recently registered on here and started a new thread...please read his side and my response to what he left out. His thread is "so many porn threads". Thanks again to all of you.


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