# How to stop thinking about sex.... lol



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Something on the lighter note before weekend..,.

But the problem is real. going through divorce, no sex in probably a year and half and it was all fine. And then, by the general advise of TAM and any self help book, I started working on myself, to get stronger, wiser and ready for life after divorce. I started walking for an hour daily, some meditation, started right diet for my Hashimoto... all good, right?
Bullocks! What a crazy idea! Now I woke up demons and the healthier my lifestyle is, the higher my libido. Sex is the only thing on my mind, and believe, my mind has a crazy imagination

what to do? What to do?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I sympathize. I try to live healthy and I'm nearing 50 but the more healthy I am, the more my libido raises.

It is a catch 22 because being healthier is good of course but a healthier mindset and body means a healthier sex drive.

I sometimes go nuts because I can go a few times a day and Mrs C is slowing to around 2 or 3 times a week.

Masturbation takes the edge off but I would be going a little crazy if I wasn't able to have real sex.

Hard exercise helps take the edge off a little with the sweat equity and burning energy but it also raises sexual energy.

Like I said, catch 22.

I suppose dating is out of the question?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I sympathize. I try to live healthy and I'm nearing 50 but the more healthy I am, the more my libido raises.
> 
> It is a catch 22 because being healthier is good of course but a healthier mindset and body means a healthier sex drive.
> 
> ...


See Laundry War thread. I am stuck as single mother for now, lol


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> See Laundry War thread. I am stuck as single mother for now, lol


If he is still in the house, he can babysit.😉


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> If he is still in the house, he can babysit.😉


Frankly, they old enough to stay home alone. I just do not think I am ready for dating. It’s been 25 years since I was on a date... I still think about dating as something that happens to other people, lol


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

See my "masturbation" thread. Married, single, divorced...sometimes thats as good as it gets.

BUT, you are a woman and I don't mean to sound sexist but it would be a lot easier for you to find a sex partner than any guy would. Just the laws of nature as there are more guys looking than women so your numbers would be easier to find someone if you just wanted some "no strings attached" fun.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> See my "masturbation" thread. Married, single, divorced...sometimes thats as good as it gets.
> 
> BUT, you are a woman and I don't mean to sound sexist but it would be a lot easier for you to find a sex partner than any guy would. Just the laws of nature as there are more guys looking than women so your numbers would be easier to find someone if you just wanted some "no strings attached" fun.





FloridaGuy1 said:


> See my "masturbation" thread. Married, single, divorced...sometimes thats as good as it gets.
> 
> BUT, you are a woman and I don't mean to sound sexist but it would be a lot easier for you to find a sex partner than any guy would. Just the laws of nature as there are more guys looking than women so your numbers would be easier to find someone if you just wanted some "no strings attached" fun.


it probably will once I am ready. I dipped into this a little, did some phone/chat and it was fun, but I decided to hold it for now. I think I need to get out of this house to feel really free.
and then my motto is to follow Meatloaf “Two out of three ain’t bad”..


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I've been handling those particular urges myself. It "takes the edge off" as Conan said but that's about all that can be said for it. It is a near certainty when I finally do date that I'll say something inappropriate because it is on my mind a lot. I haven't had big swings in fitness but one of the things I read when I was dealing with a near dead bedroom was that gaining weight could reduce libido (so presumably losing weight would increase it). There are actual products on the market that are the opposite of aphrodisiacs that supposedly reduce desire as well. I googled them several years ago but didn't seriously consider them other that idle musing.

Good luck.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> I've been handling those particular urges myself. It "takes the edge off" as Conan said but that's about all that can be said for it. It is a near certainty when I finally do date that I'll say something inappropriate because it is on my mind a lot. I haven't had big swings in fitness but one of the things I read when I was dealing with a near dead bedroom was that gaining weight could reduce libido (so presumably losing weight would increase it). There are actual products on the market that are the opposite of aphrodisiacs that supposedly reduce desire as well. I googled them several years ago but didn't seriously consider them other that idle musing.
> 
> Good luck.


There are pills to kill libido? What’s the side effects, I wonder?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't understand all the bull about remaining celibate or holding yourself if anyone is done with a relationship. To me if you have no lingering doubts, all emotions gone, and you are secure with yourself, no psychological or emotional issues, then even if the divorce is not finished, that would not stop me morally or otherwise from pursuing at least physical release with someone else, or at least start a new relationship if that's what I feel like it. You have one, and only one fricking life to live, and I certainly would not put my life on hold just because my dissolving marriage is not over yet, unless that's what I want.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel ya sister. Not for the same reason, mine is perimenopause and it's a roller coaster. In the peaks I can't stop thinking about and wanting to have sex - hubby working from home hasn't helped bahahahaha.

In my troughs, which is what I'm experiencing at the moment, everyone can go f themselves  Quite frankly, I think my husband is grateful for the breaks bahahahaha.

Hang in there, what about a toy? That'd scratch the itch when things get desperate, until you're ready to get out there again x


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't understand all the bull about remaining celibate or holding yourself if anyone is done with a relationship. To me if you have no lingering doubts, all emotions gone, and you are secure with yourself, no psychological or emotional issues, then even if the divorce is not finished, that would not stop me morally or otherwise from pursuing at least physical release with someone else, or at least start a new relationship if that's what I feel like it. You have one, and only one fricking life to live, and I certainly would not put my life on hold just because my dissolving marriage is not over yet, unless that's what I want.


i agree with you completely. I just do not feel ready yet, I need to do it on my own terms.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I feel ya sister. Not for the same reason, mine is perimenopause and it's a roller coaster. In the peaks I can't stop thinking about and wanting to have sex - hubby working from home hasn't helped bahahahaha.
> 
> In my troughs, which is what I'm experiencing at the moment, everyone can go f themselves  Quite frankly, I think my husband is grateful for the breaks bahahahaha.
> 
> Hang in there, what about a toy? That'd scratch the itch when things get desperate, until you're ready to get out there again x


Thank God for toys, lol
I also enjoy writing short erotica stories and posting them on line, that takes some edge off too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Thank God for toys, lol
> I also enjoy writing short *erotica stories* and posting them on line, that takes some edge off too.


Sometimes......

In my tales.

I leave this Earth and make love to _The Red Queen_ in the most idyllic places....though, never will I do a leprechaun.
Too risky.
Too, three, four, damn risky.

Yes.

Umm.


_THRD-_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ooohhh the mojo is BACK!!!


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> Something on the lighter note before weekend..,.
> 
> But the problem is real. going through divorce, no sex in probably a year and half and it was all fine. And then, by the general advise of TAM and any self help book, I started working on myself, to get stronger, wiser and ready for life after divorce. I started walking for an hour daily, some meditation, started right diet for my Hashimoto... all good, right?
> Bullocks! What a crazy idea! Now I woke up demons and the healthier my lifestyle is, the higher my libido. Sex is the only thing on my mind, and believe, my mind has a crazy imagination
> ...


What do you do?
Get out there and date and get some romance.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> There are pills to kill libido? What’s the side effects, I wonder?


Mainly, they "measured" the reduction of libido indirectly by the reduced testosterone in most cases. Wiki link. Two of the cited anti-aphrodisiacs were regular foods (licorice root and mashua - South American tuber) so the side effect is the reduced libido. Some others have significant effects on hormone balance and wouldn't be worth it unless you were getting a reduced sentence for being a sex offender.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Ooohhh the mojo is BACK!!!


ROTFL!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> What do you do?
> Get out there and date and get some romance.


Seems like a perfect solution. I keep thinking that I am not ready. There is a possibility that I am simply scared.. it’s been a quarter century since the last date


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Sometimes......
> 
> In my tales.
> 
> ...


You have to be careful with leprechauns, that’s for sure!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As a man I see a valley with a slow running stream at the center.
I see what looks like a small tree limb jutting inline at the center.

I note no footprints anywhere about.

I wonder how long this place has been unseen and untouched.

Unmolested.

I pull out my pole, bait the hook at the tip, and toss it in watching for any movement at the center.

Suddenly the whole place came to life.

I was being dragged inward toward some long asleep place.

Going down and in, I heard a groan....and then a moan.

The dormant Mermaid woke up.

She felt my presence, she pulled me in.

The fisher of women, is himself, hooked.


_The Typist- _soon, your place will open again to those men who seek your center.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm not thinking about it. If it becomes a problem in the next 4 years I'll just tell a doctor I need to go back on escitalopram.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm not thinking about it. If it becomes a problem in the next 4 years I'll just tell a doctor I need to go back on escitalopram.


Yeah, that would do it


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> There are pills to kill libido? What’s the side effects, I wonder?


None good. Me, I'd recommend against even thinking that option.

Maybe, if it suits you, have plenty of you time with or without toys to continue to explore yourself and what you like to have happen when real sex eventually happens, and enjoy yourself. 

With your mind and emotions in a more free state, this may almost be newer or at least more varied self exploration experiences. 

Good luck!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> None good. Me, I'd recommend against even thinking that option.
> 
> Maybe, if it suits you, have plenty of you time with or without toys to continue to explore yourself and what you like to have happen when real sex eventually happens, and enjoy yourself.
> 
> ...


That’s the plan


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> what to do? What to do?


When doctors try to get a patient to gain weight, some will actually put them on a diet. Because most diets fail and the patient will gain weight. 

So if you read a self help book on how to improve your libido and get it back, perhaps it will work the same! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

badsanta said:


> When doctors try to get a patient to gain weight, some will actually put them on a diet. Because most diets fail and the patient will gain weight.
> 
> So if you read a self help book on how to improve your libido and get it back, perhaps it will work the same!
> 
> ...


Lol, probably right


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I understand. I'm in perimenopause (46) and in very good shape (endurance athlete) and my libido is quite good. Fortunately I found a nice bf in my cycling club who is 55 and also wants to have sex.

But I think if I didn't have that I'd just take care of myself ...I'm not really a casual sex type. And since my ex had worsening ED that he refused to deal with the last couple of years of our marriage i took care of myself a lot, so I could certainly do it again. Also, the last year was after I found out about his ex gf on the side so I was a lot less interested in him.

But a partner i really like is much better.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I understand. I'm in perimenopause (46) and in very good shape (endurance athlete) and my libido is quite good. Fortunately I found a nice bf in my cycling club who is 55 and also wants to have sex.
> 
> But I think if I didn't have that I'd just take care of myself ...I'm not really a casual sex type. And since my ex had worsening ED that he refused to deal with the last couple of years of our marriage i took care of myself a lot, so I could certainly do it again. Also, the last year was after I found out about his ex gf on the side so I was a lot less interested in him.
> 
> *But a partner, i really like, is much better.*


Good advice.

Two more hands, another set of lips, a talking, walking man, his stick made just right for your slip.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Why would you want to stop thinking about it? Keep it roaring. Fires not tended to, burn out. One day when I meet my match and he steps a little too close to me with his smoldering brain, my well tended flames are going to light the lucky bastard’s world on fire. Bet.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

C.C. says ... said:


> Why would you want to stop thinking about it? Keep it roaring. Fires not tended to, burn out. One day when I meet my match and he steps a little too close to me with his smoldering brain, my well tended flames are going to light the lucky bastard’s world on fire. Bet.


LOL!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

C.C. says ... said:


> Why would you want to stop thinking about it? Keep it roaring. Fires not tended to, burn out. One day when I meet my match and he steps a little too close to me with his smoldering brain, my well tended flames are going to light the lucky bastard’s world on fire. Bet.


Yay you! That's the spirit!
There is some lucky ba$!ard who doesn't yet know his good fortune.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> I also enjoy writing short erotica stories and posting them on line, that takes some edge off too.


I haven't though about this for a while: how did I end up in a forum about marriage and infidelity? Years ago, out of sheer curiosity I found Literotica.com (I'm not sure if I can mention it here, if not, a Moderator can advice to remove the mention), and checked it out. Well, I checked the section called "Loving Wives" thinking that it was romance between husband and wife. What it actually is, is literotica about cheating wives, it basically have two divisions BTB (burn to *****/Bastard), and the grossly sick puppies that are into cuckolding, watching wife with another man/men, and so on with all the nasty crap on both camps.
After I read a few stories, and the comments, pro and against by the readers, I realized that there were so many sick men out there that are into that, so I decided to check forums to see if it was true. regrettably, I checked first Surviving infidelity, there, I got sick reading all of the pathetic men that end up in that forum and the hardcore of apologetics for infidelity and their sick views. I made a post about not believing the disgusting, almost cuckold, views, and advice being posted there, OF COURSE, I was immediately banned. They almost have a heart attack, and **** on their pants. Then I found this site. 

One thing I had learned is that yes, indeed, there are real men that exist as described on those Loving Wife stories. So sad. 

I would love to read @WandaJ "erotica" to check how good her literary efforts are.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lol, let’s keep them hidden somewhere in the galaxy far far away. But I can assure they are not about cheating wives or husbands


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And when you start sharing sex again... then you'll be reflecting on the great encounter you just had... and then thinking about sex again you'll crave another encounter... then after that next encounter, you'll be thinking about that sex and then... etc etc.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

who gave you that bad advice about "no sex".

You are divorced, go for it. Pursue your WILDEST fantasy.

i think the general warning is "don't fall in love right away", because you can not be sure it is real love, or just a famished sex life. it is actually GOOD to have a lot of sex....get that bad relationship out of your mind.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> who gave you that bad advice about "no sex".
> 
> You are divorced, go for it. Pursue your WILDEST fantasy.
> 
> i think the general warning is "don't fall in love right away", because you can not be sure it is real love, or just a famished sex life. it is actually GOOD to have a lot of sex....get that bad relationship out of your mind.


Nobody’s advise. Franky, I am probably avoiding it. The last time I was on the date it was in 1994.... different century, lol


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Sex is the only thing on my mind, and believe, my mind has a crazy imagination
> 
> what to do? What to do?


As others might have said, enjoy it. At a minimum, enjoy taking care of yourself, explore, indulgently and self-assertively claim pleasures in this world. 

On the potentially partnered front, force yourself to take at least small steps towards having romance and sexual relationship in your life, if that is what you think you will ultimately want (e.g., investigate on-line dating, do things that boost your self-confidence, etc.)

If the frequent sexual thoughts tend to get you down, try reducing them by upping the frequency of the “taking care of yourself” plan, over doing it a bit to keep the subconscious tired and satiated. I suppose we are all different, but I found it works for me.

Seriously, I had considered an SSRI again at one point, not because I was depressed any more, but to take the edge off.

In your situation, as I understand it, you are free to pursue relationship and sex. So, maybe finding ways to cope with or reduce desires wouldn’t be doing yourself any favors, and just be holding you back.

Like someone’s signature here used to say: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais Nin

Enjoy blossoming, when you’re ready. In the mean time, live and enjoy yourself, like you surely deserve.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> Nobody’s advise. Franky, I am probably avoiding it. The last time I was on the date it was in 1994.... different century, lol


LOL, you got me beat by 3 years. It has only been since 1997 for me (still a different century though). I would expect things to be very different than I (sort of) remember. I know that I'm very different than I was back then, too.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> As others might have said, enjoy it. At a minimum, enjoy taking care of yourself, explore, indulgently and self-assertively claim pleasures in this world.
> 
> On the potentially partnered front, force yourself to take at least small steps towards having romance and sexual relationship in your life, if that is what you think you will ultimately want (e.g., investigate on-line dating, do things that boost your self-confidence, etc.)
> 
> ...


Thank you @PieceOfSky , this is extremely well written post, with many good points. Yes, I am exploring dating options, but for now mostly staying on the sidelines, and focusing on getting stronger and healthier. I still can not get it in my head that this is legitimate option for me.
And I love that quote about the bud. I am going to save it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> LOL, you got me beat by 3 years. It has only been since 1997 for me (still a different century though). I would expect things to be very different than I (sort of) remember. I know that I'm very different than I was back then, too.


Are you getting ready for it? Maybe we shoukd do the challenge or a dare, lol?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Nobody’s advise. Franky, I am probably avoiding it. The last time I was on the date it was in 1994.... different century, lol


well....things have changed, and also stayed the same.
I think you are in for a wild ride! Embrace the change!!!

Probably the hardest thing for you to figure out is when someone is flirting with you! You are probably conditioned to ignore that. but in subtle ways....it probably happens a little every day. If you find yourself at night wondering "was he flirting with me when he said...", the answer is YES he WAS! Start flirting back.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> well....things have changed, and also stayed the same.
> I think you are in for a wild ride! Embrace the change!!!
> 
> Probably the hardest thing for you to figure out is when someone is flirting with you! You are probably conditioned to ignore that. but in subtle ways....it probably happens a little every day. If you find yourself at night wondering "was he flirting with me when he said...", the answer is YES he WAS! Start flirting back.


 Lol, this starts sounding like fun


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Lol, this starts sounding like fun


it certainly CAN BE!

its all about your mindset. In the morning, when getting dressed, think "hmmm, which outfit would be best to flirt in". then when you go out, find some guy that looks interesting, and stand a little too close, and ask something innocent....

its a game you probably USED to play, but maybe have forgotten the rules. And the rules have shifted a little.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> it certainly CAN BE!
> 
> its all about your mindset. In the morning, when getting dressed, think "hmmm, which outfit would be best to flirt in". then when you go out, find some guy that looks interesting, and stand a little too close, and ask something innocent....
> 
> its a game you probably USED to play, but maybe have forgotten the rules. And the rules have shifted a little.


how have they shifted?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Shifting the discussion a little bit, but one of my suggestions is to listen to a podcast called, "Dying for Sex" by Wonderly. 

It is a handful of podcasts by a woman named Molly who was diagnosed with terminal cancer. 

She was married to a "nice guy" who she had a good roommate relationship with but no passion or sexual satisfaction etc. 

Rather than clinging on to the support and stability that many with a critical diagnosis would do, she swung the other way. She divorced her husband and set out for a life of passion and intimacy and sexual desire with her remaining time. 

She was upfront with the men that her time was limited but she wanted to experience as much sexual passion and desire as she could. 

The podcasts go on to describe some of her adventures but also delves quite a bit into her philosophies and some of her innate desires and such when confronted with her own mortality and limited time. 

The thing that struck me most was a statement she made that she sexuality as the very antithesis of death and that if you were sexual, you were alive and a living entity. Living creatures seek sex. In the primal, instinctual core of our being, our primary drive is to survive. Our second priority is to reproduce. As human we may consciously choose to not produce any more offspring, but that drive remains and manifests as libido and desire. 

So what does this have to do with you as you aren't dying? 

- it means that you are alive and vital and vigorous and a healthy organism. Embrace life. Be alive. Embrace your mojo and your desires. fend off death. 

You survived a dying - dead relationship and marriage. But you as a being are still alive and vigorous. Embrace that. Embrace your passion and nurture it. Feed it. Satisfy it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Additionally, I will say do not worry about it being a long time since you have been on the dating market. It doesn't matter. 

Here's a newflash - men don't care and most won't even notice if you have polished and refined dating skills or not. You're not playing chess. You are getting to know and interacting interpersonally with another person. 

Are you fit and healthy? Do you take care of your appearance and presentation? Do you treat them with common courtesy and basic respect and dignity? Are you interested in them and attracted to them? 

That's really all men care about. Women have a list of 10,000 different boxes that someone has to check off. Men don't. 

Consider your libido a strong asset and selling point and proof-positive that you are alive and ready to embrace life and all that it has to offer. 

I am envious of the next fortunate guy(s) that you see fit to engage with.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Not much on words here, just.....Rock On Wanda J


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Shifting the discussion a little bit, but one of my suggestions is to listen to a podcast called, "Dying for Sex" by Wonderly.
> 
> It is a handful of podcasts by a woman named Molly who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
> 
> ...


I cannot love that last paragraph enough.... that story is fascinating, I have already looked into it a little bit, will definitely listen to it. Thank you!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Are you fit and healthy? Do you take care of your appearance and presentation? Do you treat them with common courtesy and basic respect and dignity? Are you interested in them and attracted to them?


all would be yes, but... four years ago I was diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders, one of them vitiligo. Which means my skin loses pigment, my arms and legs are are full of white spots (which continue to spread). I have moments when I am fine with it and have “take it or leave” attitude. Other days I feels discouraged, and just ready to give up to avoid rejection. 
This is something I am working on accepting as a new part of me. I am just now slowly coming out of the anger phase of the process.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> all would be yes, but... four years ago I was diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders, one of them vitiligo. Which means my skin loses pigment, my arms and legs are are full of white spots (which continue to spread). I have moments when I am fine with it and have “take it or leave” attitude. Other days I feels discouraged, and just ready to give up to avoid rejection.
> This is something I am working on accepting as a new part of me. I am just now slowly coming out of the anger phase of the process.


Your Maxim Magazine cover girl or Victoria's Secret lingerie modeling days might be over but I stand by everything I said above. 

Most normal, decent guys probably would care less about your pigment issue provided the other things I mentioned above are in order. 

The only guys of an appropriate age range where that would be any kind of deal breaker would be guys in the market for single, 25 year old fitness models and arm candy in the first place. 

Women are 100 times harder on themselves for physical imperfections than men are. A lot of things that have women losing sleep and obsessing over, most men don't even notice.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Your Maxim Magazine cover girl or Victoria's Secret lingerie modeling days might be over but I stand by everything I said above.
> 
> Most normal, decent guys probably would care less about your pigment issue provided the other things I mentioned above are in order.
> 
> ...


Thank you @oldshirt , I needed to hear something like this.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Oldshirt and Wanda, maxim model days over? Google *Chantelle Whitney Brown-Young.*


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You mean this one:


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

She would be the one one. She’s a Canadian fashion model and a speaker of the vitiglio. Has to be as gorgeous as Wanda J.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

As an old guy, what so far I had experienced with people that have vitiligo is that not all, but a lot of people with it, eventually lose most of their skin coloration making it almost even out. So only little parts of their body will actually have their original pigmentation. I personally know a couple of females friends that have it, and by now whatever it remains of their original skin pigmentation is little, and basically not showing when dressed. Is little consolation but it is what it is. I tell you: as a man it never bothered me their condition, and after a while, I don't think that I even noticed. And yes, what @Oldtimer said :women are 100% harder on themselves for physical imperfections than men. It might give (vainly) more points to other women about themselves, but not so much for men. (and I mean older mature men).


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> As an old guy, what so far I had experienced with people that have vitiligo is that not all, but a lot of people with it, eventually lose most of their skin coloration making it almost even out. So only little parts of their body will actually have their original pigmentation. I personally know a couple of females friends that have it, and by now whatever it remains of their original skin pigmentation is little, and basically not showing when dressed. Is little consolation but it is what it is. I tell you: as a man it never bothered me their condition, and after a while, I don't think that I even noticed. And yes, what @Oldtimer said :women are 100% harder on themselves for physical imperfections than men. It might give (vainly) more points to other women about themselves, but not so much for men. (and I mean older mature men).


you know that’s actually what I am counting for.,In four years I have lost probably around 40% of my pigment. Another four years and I will be back to one color. 
everybody tells me that it doesn’t matter and they do not even notice it anymore. But I can not even look at the top of my arms, gave up on sleeveless shirts for now. The rest of it doesn’t bother me as much.
I really appreciate your post, thank you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> She would be the one one. She’s a Canadian fashion model and a speaker of the vitiglio. Has to be as gorgeous as Wanda J.


Yeah, if Joanna wasn’t 5’3 and 50 years who breasted two hungry kids, lol


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

lol


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Yeah, if Joanna wasn’t 5’3 and 50 years who breasted two hungry kids, lol


FWIW I'm 46, barely 5'4, and breastfed two hungry kids too 

Get thee to the gym (or comparable exercise) if you don't already and control what you can control. Get your hair and nails done.

You can't do anything about your pigment so don't apologize for it....it's what life dealt you. After a certain age nobody is perfect.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> FWIW I'm 46, barely 5'4, and breastfed two hungry kids too
> 
> Get thee to the gym (or comparable exercise) if you don't already and control what you can control. Get your hair and nails done.
> 
> You can't do anything about your pigment so don't apologize for it....it's what life dealt you. After a certain age nobody is perfect.


good advise. I got myself treadmill for the big 50 and very happy with it. 
you are right, I should go and pamper myself abit. Although not sure if that'if that will help with the subject of this thread


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> good advise. I got myself treadmill for the big 50 and very happy with it.
> you are right, I should go and pamper myself abit. Although not sure if that'if that will help with the subject of this thread


It doesn't have to....it will make you feel good, though that may translate into you presenting more confidence 

I actually never got my nails done until current bf started giving me gift certificates and asking for pics when I got them done (hint hint). I found that I really liked having them look nice. I don't do fake nails....too much for jeans and tshirt me, but i do like French and pink nails. My own nails are pretty good.

I've found that women over 40 are actually im pretty high demand when they're put together. I have two very good male friends (running friends) that are in their 50's and dating and both want women close to their age.

One is 57 and told me that I'm a touch too young for him (not interested anyway so np).


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It doesn't have to....it will make you feel good, though that may translate into you presenting more confidence
> 
> I actually never got my nails done until current bf started giving me gift certificates and asking for pics when I got them done (hint hint). I found that I really liked having them look nice. I don't do fake nails....too much for jeans and tshirt me, but i do like French and pink nails. My own nails are pretty good.
> 
> ...


I tried a little of the online dating,(put it on hold for now) and yes, it looks like most people want someone close to their age.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I still dare you to wear a sleeveless dress out in public - just your local store - free that skin of yours, and notice that really the only one noticing is you. OR... post a photo on TAM so we can tell you it is not a big deal..! Granted, I'm not down-playing that it's not a concern for you; I understand it is. I guess I'm suggesting a little step here and there to realize no-one is going to run for the hills (and if they do, screw them, I never liked 'em anyway)... and by the time you're getting nekkid with another, you may already be feeling more confident in your own skin to not give a hoot.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

In case you don't know... I am Team Wanda.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> In case you don't know... I am Team Wanda.


I know and I appreciate it!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I still dare you to wear a sleeveless dress out in public - just your local store - free that skin of yours, and notice that really the only one noticing is you. OR... post a photo on TAM so we can tell you it is not a big deal..! Granted, I'm not down-playing that it's not a concern for you; I understand it is. I guess I'm suggesting a little step here and there to realize no-one is going to run for the hills (and if they do, screw them, I never liked 'em anyway)... and by the time you're getting nekkid with another, you may already be feeling more confident in your own skin to not give a hoot.


@heartsbeating , I tried that couple weeks ago, put on sleeveless blouse for small gethering with friends, felt pretty good about it. Then I sawpictures from that evening and it put me in the weekend long depression..... 

But it is not like I cannot sleep because of it. Most of the time I do not think much about it, still wear shorts, short sleeves, and swimsuit. Once in a while the doubts come, but I try to squash them before the overwhelm me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> ...I am exploring dating options, but for now mostly staying on the sidelines, and focusing on getting stronger and healthier. I still can not get it in my head that this is legitimate option for me.


I have not contemplated dating since last century and I imagine things have probably changed too much for me to figure it out if I ever needed to. My strategy when I was in college was to just make a lot of friends. It wasn't until I met my wife that she pointed out that all my "friends" were all very attractive females and she insisted I needed to let all that go. My goto move for creating a new "friendship" was to have an extra ticket for a concert that I was going to along with some other "friends." Now these were legitimate friendships in my opinion and nothing more, but at some point I would find one to be really enjoyable and we would end up back in each others dorm rooms for the night. 

OK fast forward a few decades, post college with kids, how would this work now if I ever had to reopen my playbook? ... @WandaJ your going to need a membership to a tennis club. Sign up for a group lesson and invite a few "friends" to learn how to play tennis with you. I think right now that "tennis" is considered the safest sport to play since it is outdoors and everyone is distanced:









TMA Chart Shows COVID-19 Risks for Various Activities







www.texmed.org





You'll get some fun exercise, make new friends, possibly more! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I have not contemplated dating since last century and I imagine things have probably changed too much for me to figure it out if I ever needed to. My strategy when I was in college was to just make a lot of friends. It wasn't until I met my wife that she pointed out that all my "friends" were all very attractive females and she insisted I needed to let all that go. My goto move for creating a new "friendship" was to have an extra ticket for a concert that I was going to along with some other "friends." Now these were legitimate friendships in my opinion and nothing more, but at some point I would find one to be really enjoyable and we would end up back in each others dorm rooms for the night.
> 
> OK fast forward a few decades, post college with kids, how would this work now if I ever had to reopen my playbook? ... @WandaJ your going to need a membership to a tennis club. Sign up for a group lesson and invite a few "friends" to learn how to play tennis with you. I think right now that "tennis" is considered the safest sport to play since it is outdoors and everyone is distanced:
> 
> ...


I suck at tennis so maybe that’s a good option maybe I should look at amateur kayaking, I would enjoy that


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I suck at tennis so maybe that’s a good option maybe I should look at amateur kayaking, I would enjoy that


Depending on your political preferences, you could volunteer to help your local candidates put out signs. Go out and do this with a group of new like-minded "friends!"


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Depending on your political preferences, you could volunteer to help your local candidates put out signs. Go out and do this with a group of new like-minded "friends!"


It’s an idea.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> Are you getting ready for it? Maybe we should do the challenge or a dare, lol?


So there's a funny story about that. On the second anniversary of my ex moving out I created a Plenty of Fish profile. Unfortunately, the Seeking... wouldn't change from male. Now Facebook and Audible think I would be interested in romance novels about gay men... I think its a sign I should wait a little more.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey Wanda, fashionably late to the party here, I see  , but I relate too much to pass this by. It's wonderful to see you considering this next step, btw, even if you haven't decided to dive in just yet. I started dating a couple months after I filed, when I was sure I was done because I never dated before (I met my ex gaming online) and had no clue where to start. Like you, my libido was through the freaking roof, but absolutely no self-confidence whatsoever.


WandaJ said:


> Something on the lighter note before weekend..,.
> 
> But the problem is real. going through divorce, no sex in probably a year and half and it was all fine. And then, by the general advise of TAM and any self help book, I started working on myself, to get stronger, wiser and ready for life after divorce. I started walking for an hour daily, some meditation, started right diet for my Hashimoto... all good, right?
> Bullocks! What a crazy idea! Now I woke up demons and the healthier my lifestyle is, the higher my libido. Sex is the only thing on my mind, and believe, my mind has a crazy imagination
> ...





WandaJ said:


> Frankly, they old enough to stay home alone. I just do not think I am ready for dating. It’s been 25 years since I was on a date... I still think about dating as something that happens to other people, lol





frusdil said:


> Hang in there, what about a toy? That'd scratch the itch when things get desperate, until you're ready to get out there again x


Yes you do, OMFG you do. 

So I decided to put a toe in the water and make a dating profile and see what little fishies were out there. Are you ready to do that at least? You can try one of the free apps, like ******* until you're ready to go out there, I never bothered with Tinder, it seems too in your face ho-downy to me. 



WandaJ said:


> Thank God for toys, lol
> I also enjoy writing short erotica stories and posting them on line, that takes some edge off too.


Like you, I as too chicken, so I got BOB and friends (Battery operated bf), wore a few of them out, and ended up hornier than before, so what a crock of ****e there... Scratch that itch? Yeah no, more like dousing a fire with gasoline. Plus it's nowhere near the same as being with a partner, I really missed that excitement, where you two size each other up and know you're going to get down, MROW😻, and of course, the dance... yeah baby... Bob was a total dud.



SunCMars said:


> As a man I see a valley with a slow running stream at the center.
> I see what looks like a small tree limb jutting inline at the center.
> 
> I note no footprints anywhere about.
> ...


Dude, pretty words. The unapologetic perv in me zeroes in on sopping lady parts, that gets some limbs standing at attention and then to bone-town. 



C.C. says ... said:


> Why would you want to stop thinking about it? Keep it roaring. Fires not tended to, burn out. One day when I meet my match and he steps a little too close to me with his smoldering brain, my well tended flames are going to light the lucky bastard’s world on fire. Bet.


100% this! Why douse your inner fire when it literally makes you come alive? When is the last time you felt that way about anything?! Our days on this earth are numbered, who knows what's next? I believe in the afterlife and all that, but I'm rather doubting anyone's going to be nutting around in shining light and goodness (I'm a horrible Christian )


Rob_1 said:


> I haven't though about this for a while: how did I end up in a forum about marriage and infidelity? Years ago, out of sheer curiosity I found Literotica.com (I'm not sure if I can mention it here, if not, a Moderator can advice to remove the mention), and checked it out. Well, I checked the section called "Loving Wives" thinking that it was romance between husband and wife. What it actually is, is literotica about cheating wives, it basically have two divisions BTB (burn to ***/Bastard), and the grossly sick puppies that are into cuckolding, watching wife with another man/men, and so on with all the nasty crap on both camps.
> After I read a few stories, and the comments, pro and against by the readers, I realized that there were so many sick men out there that are into that, so I decided to check forums to see if it was true. regrettably, I checked first Surviving infidelity, there, I got sick reading all of the pathetic men that end up in that forum and the hardcore of apologetics for infidelity and their sick views. I made a post about not believing the disgusting, almost cuckold, views, and advice being posted there, OF COURSE, I was immediately banned. They almost have a heart attack, and **** on their pants. Then I found this site.
> 
> One thing I had learned is that yes, indeed, there are real men that exist as described on those Loving Wife stories. So sad.
> ...


Dude! That's effin hilarious! It takes a lot to get banned over there 



heartsbeating said:


> And when you start sharing sex again... then you'll be reflecting on the great encounter you just had... and then thinking about sex again you'll crave another encounter... then after that next encounter, you'll be thinking about that sex and then... etc etc.


That's the trouble though, isn't it? Especially for people who don't want to engage in a string of meaningless encounters. I might be wrong, but I swear Wanda mentioned not being interested in casual sex. Got any horny/single friends Wanda? The only thing is you might need to be prepared to lose them. 



lifeistooshort said:


> It doesn't have to....it will make you feel good, though that may translate into you presenting more confidence
> 
> I actually never got my nails done until current bf started giving me gift certificates and asking for pics when I got them done (hint hint). I found that I really liked having them look nice. I don't do fake nails....too much for jeans and tshirt me, but i do like French and pink nails. My own nails are pretty good.
> 
> ...


This worked wonders for me. I got my nails done a few times before dates and I felt really put together. I do maintain long hair (kinda wild) and wear makeup and dress cute/sexy for dates, but that little extra something makes you feel good about yourself, especially when it's something you usually don't do. 

lifeistooshort is spot on with 40's ladies being in high demand, that was a huge eye-opener for me. Not all men want younger prettier bimbos, some actually want more than a convenient receptacle and value an intelligent woman who can handle herself.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dating, courting, the first hug, the first kiss, the straying hands, the rapid heart beat and the anticipation; this is truly the best that life can offer.

Life for singles can be a good thing. 

In good taste.

In good taste, right up to point where the clothes start flying off.

Then, good taste gets licked true.....rarely false.

Ah, the opposite sex smell makes you that, hungry-for-more, fool.

One cannot get more close to another human being than, while, making love. 

For those 20 to 30 minutes, you are literally stuck, wetly together, and loving it.

Bob might as well be a crass, plastic door knob, compared to a real loving person.



_The Typist-_


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Dating, courting, the first hug, the first kiss, the straying hands, the rapid heart beat and the anticipation; this is truly the best that life can offer.
> 
> Life for singles can be a good thing.
> 
> ...


Bob wasn't the most sparkling conversationalist for sho, nor was he good for a cuddle. Bob was tireless and easily replaceable tho 😆


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> how have they shifted?


you have to be up on the latest online social media. Kik, Tiktok, Discord, virtual meetings, and so on. Who knows which ones, i am certainly not at that cutting edge to suggest how to communicate. Traditional first "dates", like meeting at a bar, or a restaurant for lunch/dinner, seeing a movie in a theater, listening to a concert in person...are kind of dangerous now. So...first dates are...who knows...a walk in the park while distancing and wearing a mask, so you can talk? 

Maybe more virtual things, like video gaming online? Book discussions online? Virtual wine and bourbon tasting. 

I think the people who come up with novel virtual ways to meet and learn about each other are going to be the most successful in this current time.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

one thing is for sure, the sensory deprivation of working from home...not going outside much, disruption of a lifetime of habits and hobbies....
it is going to force some introspection. gives you more time to think. maybe gives you more time to work on issues you personally have, maybe finally give you the time to explore new things, learn new things, go after things you wanted to try but were too "busy" to pursue?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> one thing is for sure, the sensory deprivation of working from home...not going outside much, disruption of a lifetime of habits and hobbies....
> it is going to force some introspection. gives you more time to think. maybe gives you more time to work on issues you personally have, maybe finally give you the time to explore new things, learn new things, go after things you wanted to try but were too "busy" to pursue?


that’d definite “yes”!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TXTrini said:


> Bob wasn't the most sparkling conversationalist for sho, nor was he good for a cuddle. Bob was tireless and easily replaceable tho 😆


That is Bob's strength, he is as tireless as the Eveready Bunnie's batteries.

No man can compete with his duration, and his delivery is right to the clitteral point and boring.

Boring,done as in drilling!

His biggest 'shortcoming' is his lack of Facetime.

Ooooh, and Bob has no arms to draw you in tight.

He cannot multi-task, thus, kissing your lips, massaging your boobs and your nether region, all done simultaneously.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Hey Wanda, fashionably late to the party here, I see  , but I relate too much to pass this by. It's wonderful to see you considering this next step, btw, even if you haven't decided to dive in just yet. I started dating a couple months after I filed, when I was sure I was done because I never dated before (I met my ex gaming online) and had no clue where to start. Like you, my libido was through the freaking roof, but absolutely no self-confidence whatsoever.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


@TXTrini , I will reply to your post later on, It is a lot to to discuss. I really appreciate it!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@WandaJ 
😉 sorry, today everytime I read over the title of your thread I think about sex and the different ways I'm going to have my W this evening.

❤❤❤😎😎😎👍👍👍


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @WandaJ
> 😉 sorry, today everytime I read over the title of your thread I think about sex and the different ways I'm going to have my W this evening.
> 
> ❤❤❤😎😎😎👍👍👍


 that's how it usually works LOL.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> @TXTrini , I will reply to your post later on, It is a lot to to discuss. I really appreciate it!


In your own time, love. I remember how overwhelming it felt to take that first step, it's always nice to have an idea of how to proceed.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Hey Wanda, fashionably late to the party here, I see  , but I relate too much to pass this by. It's wonderful to see you considering this next step, btw, even if you haven't decided to dive in just yet. I started dating a couple months after I filed, when I was sure I was done because I never dated before (I met my ex gaming online) and had no clue where to start. Like you, my libido was through the freaking roof, but absolutely no self-confidence whatsoever.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


@TXTrini , that was really well thought out response. I did try a little bit, and got kind of minor heartache from it, and went back to square one. That's ok. I have to re-group and face it again, soon enough. But it was good to see that there are choices for every age group. BOB is certainly not enough, lol, not much butterflies in the stomach with him

Unfortunately, I do not have too many single friends. Everybody is married, or I am not interested. Will have to do it the hardway, I guess. 
And yes, dressing up and doing some extra stuff for myself, that helps to feel better. I usually do not do nails on everyday basis, as I do not have time and patience to sit there, but maybe time to rethink it. 

I think I need couple months or so to get used to the idea, maybe focus on things at home, and try to move them ahead, so I have more time too. I know, still chicken....


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> As a man I see a valley with a slow running stream at the center.
> I see what looks like a small tree limb jutting inline at the center.
> 
> I note no footprints anywhere about.
> ...


@SunCMars , the more I read it , the more I like it!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Shifting the discussion a little bit, but one of my suggestions is to listen to a podcast called, "Dying for Sex" by Wonderly.
> 
> It is a handful of podcasts by a woman named Molly who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
> 
> ...


@oldshirt ,I've listened to most of that podcast, still have one more episode to go through. It is interesting. Hilarious sometimes, there was a moment I was laughing out loud in my car. But also reflective. Thank you for sharing!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

What an awesome and supportive thread this has become! I started it as a "wink wink" post for the weekend, didn't expect such great, wise and supportive responses. Such a variety of responses, sometimes even philosophical. You guys are amazing!

I will keep you posted on any future developments


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> @TXTrini , that was really well thought out response. I did try a little bit, and got kind of minor heartache from it, and went back to square one. That's ok. I have to re-group and face it again, soon enough. But it was good to see that there are choices for every age group. BOB is certainly not enough, lol, not much butterflies in the stomach with him
> 
> Unfortunately, I do not have too many single friends. Everybody is married, or I am not interested. Will have to do it the hardway, I guess.
> And yes, dressing up and doing some extra stuff for myself, that helps to feel better. I usually do not do nails on everyday basis, as I do not have time and patience to sit there, but maybe time to rethink it.
> ...


Be kind to yourself, love. Just remember, you only just decided to chuck the devil you knew. I was quite frankly TERRIFIED at the idea of going back out there, but my libido rebounded in a way that could not be denied and *****-slapped me into action. 

I spent a good few days/weeks? making my dating profile. During that process, I thought about many things... how much of my life was already gone, what I wanted for myself, what was important and then tempered that with the reality that nothing in life including life itself is guaranteed. I had a few brushes with death a few times in the last decade or so, and have a tendency to be a bit morbid, so that's what gave me the impetus to just GO out there. I'm also super picky, so I figured it would take a few years anyway to catch a whiff of a dude that did it for me (HA!)

Many people advise us newly divorced folk to simmer down and enjoy being single for a while, rediscover who you are, etc etc. Ultimately, it is up to you to know yourself enough to know if dating, even casually is detrimental to your well-being or if you need a human touch. I was very lonely in my marriage for so many years, that may not be the case for you.

A word of caution though, you get the impression that a lot of men would welcome a woman with a healthy sex drive from many of these threads. Let me tell you, that's a freaking lie, they're scared ****less if it's more than theirs  and run screaming from a nympho, 'cause ita ma hurtama pride😭...waaaaa ma wiener 




WandaJ said:


> What an awesome and supportive thread this has become! I started it as a "wink wink" post for the weekend, didn't expect such great, wise and supportive responses. Such a variety of responses, sometimes even philosophical. You guys are amazing!
> 
> I will keep you posted on any future developments


Keep us posted! It's encouraging and less lonely to see people rising from the ashes alongside me, when I feel like **** a **** myself 😁


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> @SunCMars , the more I read it , the more I like it!


That was my intent!

Enjoy your life, as there are no repeats.

Take your time, pick a worthy man to break the ice.

Try not to break his heart, nor your own....

I envy you.
I do.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> Many people advise us newly divorced folk to simmer down and enjoy being single for a while, rediscover who you are, etc etc. Ultimately, it is up to you to know yourself enough to know if dating, even casually is detrimental to your well-being or if you need a human touch. I was very lonely in my marriage for so many years, that may not be the case for you.
> 
> A word of caution though, you get the impression that a lot of men would welcome a woman with a healthy sex drive from many of these threads. Let me tell you, that's a freaking lie, they're scared ****less if it's more than theirs  and run screaming from a nympho, 'cause ita ma hurtama pride😭...waaaaa ma wiener


You know, that's what I used to think. But I think this applies to people where divorce was sudden and/or unwelcome thing. I have been lonely in my marriage for years too, and checking out of it, and divorce right now is not a tragic event but it is a light in the tunnel (even though getting through divorce is tough). I feel free and hopeful, not depressed.

And yes - men who are scared of women with higher libido, are real thing....


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## Tillman (Sep 30, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Nobody’s advise. Franky, I am probably avoiding it. The last time I was on the date it was in 1994.... different century, lol



You held back, actually a different Millennia! ;-) I have you by 6 years~


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I went on a date once. lol. Wanda, join groups, many groups out there catering to the age you want to be associated with. I was one of those givers who had to be involved in many things, but many were groups that shared my interests and I found many of the opposite gender who thought my involvement was great.

As an aside, every time I see your name here I am reminded of one of the greats of rockabilly/rock and I believe she is still rocking today. Wanda Jackson is one of my heroines of music.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Tillman said:


> You held back, actually a different Millennia! ;-) I have you by 6 years~


Oh my, you are right!! The last time I was on the date it was a different Millenium! 
I should feel old but I refuse


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> I went on a date once. lol. Wanda, join groups, many groups out there catering to the age you want to be associated with. I was one of those givers who had to be involved in many things, but many were groups that shared my interests and I found many of the opposite gender who thought my involvement was great.
> 
> As an aside, every time I see your name here I am reminded of one of the greats of rockabilly/rock and I believe she is still rocking today. Wanda Jackson is one of my heroines of music.


I had to google Wanda Jackson. Oh the 60s, I always loved that music


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> And yes - men who are scared of women with higher libido, are real thing....


It would be an unfamiliar situation and there would be some cognitive dissonance. Part of me would wonder if I was being manipulated. That is, did she really want to have sex or was she doing it to get something from me or to cover something up. I'm also reaching an age where my body might betray me which would be both embarrassing and would exacerbate any inadequacy / insecurities I might have. Until it happened, I would not expect an empathetic response. All else being equal, a woman with a high libido is a bit of a hot commodity so on some level I would feel like there would be more to live up to, more pressure to not make mistakes and just be better overall.

I _think_ I would be cautiously optimistic. Getting used to that situation would take a while though.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Frankly, contact with any apparently interested woman with non-zero libido is going to be a bit of challenge for me, if and when I’m free. Even concern about motives aside. 

I’m pretty sure in my case, the slow death of a bad and sexless marriage has left me with challenges going forward. But, the only way out is through, as they say. I’m still confident good things are possible, and it can be worth the effort.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hiner112 said:


> It would be an unfamiliar situation and there would be some cognitive dissonance. Part of me would wonder if I was being manipulated. That is, did she really want to have sex or was she doing it to get something from me or to cover something up. I'm also reaching an age where my body might betray me which would be both embarrassing and would exacerbate any inadequacy / insecurities I might have. Until it happened, I would not expect an empathetic response. All else being equal, a woman with a high libido is a bit of a hot commodity so on some level I would feel like there would be more to live up to, more pressure to not make mistakes and just be better overall.
> 
> I _think_ I would be cautiously optimistic. Getting used to that situation would take a while though.


Hiner baby, the only time a woman will let you play on the field without cheering you on if you're "dating" hookers. So just put that one away, eh? 

A woman who likes you and wants to pursue a relationship will understand your concerns and try to be considerate of your feelings if she digs you. If you have the misfortune to come across a woman who doesn't empathize with you, please punt that .... No-one deserves that kind of disrespect. 

I don't understand the hot commodity part, b/c many men won't take the time to get to know a woman as a person and may overlook her entirely. Women actually have a hard time figuring out which men are really interested in them, and which ones want to hit and run. No woman in her right mind will announce her LD/HD status until you're actually bumpy uglies or she says so.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> You know, that's what I used to think. But I think this applies to people where divorce was sudden and/or unwelcome thing. I have been lonely in my marriage for years too, and checking out of it, and divorce right now is not a tragic event but it is a light in the tunnel (even though getting through divorce is tough). I feel free and hopeful, not depressed.
> 
> And yes - men who are scared of women with higher libido, are real thing....


I'm not one of those men, and I understand being in a lonely marriage. Believe me. This describes my new life:

This morning I woke up with Morning Wood but didn't want to wake up the wife, so here I am on the laptop but going to start fixing breakfast soon. However, she's in trouble after we eat. I've already schemed it out. It's Saturday and her day off from Zoom but not from me heh. Our marriage is new, I get that, but right now being physical is at the center of it. It's so different from my first marriage and hard to describe. 

For example, last week I was in the woodshop working on a project. The wife comes in, doesn't say a word, and just drops my pants in front of the miter saw, you get the idea. Last night, she's doing dishes, I walk up from behind, pick her up, carry her to the living room, drop her sweatpants, and return the favor ("This is for the workshop incident"). It's so random and spontaneous. Of course, we don't have kids in the house and I'm retired, so that adds to the sex equation. I guess my point is that I think about it all the time, except now I get to act on it. I mean, I never dreamed about getting some love in the middle of a Hallmark movie before. Leaving my first marriage was such a long thought out decision, but it was the right one. I had no idea what could be next.

Just some morning thoughts from a guy who really wants his wife right now LOL.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Cromer said:


> I'm not one of those men, and I understand being in a lonely marriage. Believe me. This describes my new life:
> 
> This morning I woke up with Morning Wood but didn't want to wake up the wife, so here I am on the laptop but going to start fixing breakfast soon. However, she's in trouble after we eat. I've already schemed it out. It's Saturday and her day off from Zoom but not from me heh. Our marriage is new, I get that, but right now being physical is at the center of it. It's so different from my first marriage and hard to describe.
> 
> ...


yes, I don’t want anything less than that. Spontaneous and shameless.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> Frankly, contact with any apparently interested woman with non-zero libido is going to be a bit of challenge for me, if and when I’m free. Even concern about motives aside.
> 
> I’m pretty sure in my case, the slow death of a bad and sexless marriage has left me with challenges going forward. But, the only way out is through, as they say. I’m still confident good things are possible, and it can be worth the effort.


It will take time to learn to trust someone and be vulnerable, but it will be possible. Also, figuring out what went wrong with that marriage and what you want from now forward will be important. I am pretty sure you’ll get there eventually, you have too much insight not to.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> It would be an unfamiliar situation and there would be some cognitive dissonance. Part of me would wonder if I was being manipulated. That is, did she really want to have sex or was she doing it to get something from me or to cover something up. I'm also reaching an age where my body might betray me which would be both embarrassing and would exacerbate any inadequacy / insecurities I might have. Until it happened, I would not expect an empathetic response. All else being equal, a woman with a high libido is a bit of a hot commodity so on some level I would feel like there would be more to live up to, more pressure to not make mistakes and just be better overall.
> 
> I _think_ I would be cautiously optimistic. Getting used to that situation would take a while though.


Ok, but let’s talk about brand new relationship. You met nice lady, you went for few dates and things are going well, you enjoying each other company. She gives you non-verbal clues that she is interested. 
What hidden bad intentions could she have? Unless you are filthy rich and worry about gold diggers, but other than that? 
I am seriously asking. Give us what you worry about and we’ll help you analyze it and beat it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> I tried that couple weeks ago, put on sleeveless blouse for small gethering with friends, felt pretty good about it. Then I sawpictures from that evening and it put me in the weekend long depression.....


I have no advise about dating! My last date was in 2002, but thanks to pregnancy my legs look horrible! I have a ton of spider veins. I've gotten a treatment so far but even the treatment left bruises on my skin. I feel self-conscious. I live in a beach town so shorts and bathing suits go hand in hand. 

Have you thought about getting some type of make up to even out some of the discoloration of your skin? Sometimes I wear leg make up. When I go to pool parties or other gatherings and I want to wear a short dress I put on some make up and it makes me feel better. It doesn't cover up much but it helps even out the under tones and cover up small imperfections. I use the Sally Hansen spray type you find at the drug store. It comes off with soap and water.

I really don't worry about my legs that much anymore. No one has asked me anything about them and I haven't seen anyone looking at them either. I guess I'm the one who worried too much about it. 

I'm also not coloring my hair anymore. I have a ton of gray hair. I actually got a compliment last week! I have a silver strand of hair around the left side of my forehead. A male friend said it looks so shinny and cool! It made me feel good!! 

I'm done trying to hide the real aging me.


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## Tillman (Sep 30, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Oh my, you are right!! The last time I was on the date it was a different Millenium!
> I should feel old but I refuse


Good idea, just tear that page where it says you should feel old by now...Even Barbie has gained 50 pounds and is getting botox.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

pastasauce79 said:


> I have no advise about dating! My last date was in 2002, but thanks to pregnancy my legs look horrible! I have a ton of spider veins. I've gotten a treatment so far but even the treatment left bruises on my skin. I feel self-conscious. I live in a beach town so shorts and bathing suits go hand in hand.
> 
> Have you thought about getting some type of make up to even out some of the discoloration of your skin? Sometimes I wear leg make up. When I go to pool parties or other gatherings and I want to wear a short dress I put on some make up and it makes me feel better. It doesn't cover up much but it helps even out the under tones and cover up small imperfections. I use the Sally Hansen spray type you find at the drug store. It comes off with soap and water.
> 
> ...


You know, maybe I should give the spray a try, until my arms even out again. I will check out that brand.
The natural grey hair becomes very popular accross the pond. I have seceral friends doing it and they look great! I am not ready for that yet, I guess...


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> I'm also not coloring my hair anymore. I have a ton of gray hair. I actually got a compliment last week! I have a silver strand of hair around the left side of my forehead. A male friend said it looks so shinny and cool! It made me feel good!!
> 
> *I'm done trying to hide the real aging me.*


Good for you! My wife is of Southern European origin and has jet black hair. She never leaves the house without dolling herself up, and she obsessively looks for gray hairs. 

During the lockdown, she couldn't do her bi-weekly salon appointments and was home all of the time. I convinced her to go au naturel and I loved her gray. It's sexy. All of her hair would be gray if she didn't color. Maybe TMI but also with shaving. She let everything grow out and I frankly loved it because she was so much more relaxed plus no skin irritation requiring lotion. Now that she has to present herself in public again she's back to the old ways. I did manage to convince her to keep a gray streak, it looks amazing, and she likes it too.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> I checked first Surviving infidelity, there, I got sick reading all of the pathetic men that end up in that forum and the hardcore of apologetics for infidelity and their sick views.


Spot on. I found that site last week and couldn't believe some of the stuff I was reading. A real trainwreck. Most of those guys who were cheated on had no clue what happened, while it was clear as day. Not once did I come across any mention of the Redpill. Most live in a Hallmark fantasy. That's why they are betas of the highest degree whose function was to pay the bills and were the 2nd or 3rd choice. felt a little sorry for them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> all would be yes, but... four years ago I was diagnosed with two autoimmune disorders, one of them vitiligo. Which means my skin loses pigment, my arms and legs are are full of white spots (which continue to spread). I have moments when I am fine with it and have “take it or leave” attitude. Other days I feels discouraged, and just ready to give up to avoid rejection.
> This is something I am working on accepting as a new part of me. I am just now slowly coming out of the anger phase of the process.


I've honestly been curious (yes in that way) when I see women like this.

I'm sure some will be put off but there has to be other "dalmatian" lovers out there like me!😉🤠


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I've honestly been curious (yes in that way) when I see women like this.
> 
> I'm sure some will be put off but there has to be other "dalmatian" lovers out there like me!😉🤠


That put a smile on my face, thank you!
I’ve been thinking about it as leopard skin, but dalmation is cute too


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> That put a smile on my face, thank you!
> I’ve been thinking about it as leopard skin, but dalmation is cute too


Ooh. I like leopards too! 😉🤠


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> Hiner112 said:
> 
> 
> > It would be an unfamiliar situation and there would be some cognitive dissonance. Part of me would wonder if I was being manipulated. That is, did she really want to have sex or was she doing it to get something from me or to cover something up. I'm also reaching an age where my body might betray me which would be both embarrassing and would exacerbate any inadequacy / insecurities I might have. Until it happened, I would not expect an empathetic response. All else being equal, a woman with a high libido is a bit of a hot commodity so on some level I would feel like there would be more to live up to, more pressure to not make mistakes and just be better overall.
> ...


I don't think these worries are things that are going to be "beaten" by a simple refutation of premises. Teenager me was told by my female peers that I shouldn't expect (or even hope really) to have anyone want to be with me.

For my ex, there were a couple different stages. Working backwards the last five years sex served two purposes. There was just enough sex to deflect suspicion from her time with her best friend (when they were looking for apartments and shopping for furniture for it). There was just enough sex to keep hope alive that it was just a rough patch that we would get through. For several years before that (maybe 10), sex was often a reward for good behavior if I had tried hard enough and hadn't made too many mistakes. It was the carrot and celibacy and refusal was the stick. Then there were a couple years where it was procreative sex as we were having children. That leaves maybe 5 years at the very beginning where I can't say definitively that the purpose of the sex wasn't something other than wanting to have sex with me.

As for a new relationship? I don't know. Free meals? To keep me interested? As a way to shape my behavior to exactly what they want? Playing the long game for housing down the road?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> Hiner112 said:
> 
> 
> > It would be an unfamiliar situation and there would be some cognitive dissonance. Part of me would wonder if I was being manipulated. That is, did she really want to have sex or was she doing it to get something from me or to cover something up. I'm also reaching an age where my body might betray me which would be both embarrassing and would exacerbate any inadequacy / insecurities I might have. Until it happened, I would not expect an empathetic response. All else being equal, a woman with a high libido is a bit of a hot commodity so on some level I would feel like there would be more to live up to, more pressure to not make mistakes and just be better overall.
> ...


The "WTF is wrong with you? Why isn't it hard yet?" experience with my ex was pretty unpleasant and that reaction would potentially be a relationship ender going forward but I would still rather not repeat it even if I don't see that person ever again.

"Hot commodity" might not be the right wording. A woman should know that if she is interested in and motivated to have sex that this trait was desirable. It adds to what she brings to a committed relationship. It brings up the two issues of "can I keep up / keep her satisfied" and am I bringing enough to the relationship overall?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> I don't think these worries are things that are going to be "beaten" by a simple refutation of premises. Teenager me was told by my female peers that I shouldn't expect (or even hope really) to have anyone want to be with me.
> 
> For my ex, there were a couple different stages. Working backwards the last five years sex served two purposes. There was just enough sex to deflect suspicion from her time with her best friend (when they were looking for apartments and shopping for furniture for it). There was just enough sex to keep hope alive that it was just a rough patch that we would get through. For several years before that (maybe 10), sex was often a reward for good behavior if I had tried hard enough and hadn't made too many mistakes. It was the carrot and celibacy and refusal was the stick. Then there were a couple years where it was procreative sex as we were having children. That leaves maybe 5 years at the very beginning where I can't say definitively that the purpose of the sex wasn't something other than wanting to have sex with me.
> 
> As for a new relationship? I don't know. Free meals? To keep me interested? As a way to shape my behavior to exactly what they want? Playing the long game for housing down the road?


Looks like after years of that kind of experience you have been conditioned to see sex as transaction not expression of love, affection and passion. You would need to learn to trust again and be vulnerable again. This will be journey and a process. I’m pretty sure that you might benefit from individual counseling. Not just few sessions, several months at least. 
But what’s the alternative? Just give up and spend the rest of your life lonely and bitter? That’s your choices: stay where you are or try to move on towards that light in the tunnel.
Take a risk of being vulnerable again. What’s the worst that can happen? 
and if you do not want to be someone’s ticket to housing, make that clear that you are not looking to marry again. There are plenty of women who do not want to re-marry either. Less cooking, cleaning, less laundry


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hiner112 said:


> The "WTF is wrong with you? Why isn't it hard yet?" experience with my ex was pretty unpleasant and that reaction would potentially be a relationship ender going forward but I would still rather not repeat it even if I don't see that person ever again.
> 
> "Hot commodity" might not be the right wording. A woman should know that if she is interested in and motivated to have sex that this trait was desirable. It adds to what she brings to a committed relationship. It brings up the two issues of "can I keep up / keep her satisfied" and am I bringing enough to the relationship overall?


That sounds absolutely heartless, I am sorry you dealt with that. If it's any consolation, I was the female version of you, except no kids. My ex thought I was too much work, and it was easier to masturbate to porn, that's even before he claimed to have ED. We were very passionate, but the sex plummeted after marriage to a few times a year, and sometimes a year would go by with none at all. 

My ex made me feel so unattractive, that no man would ever want me. I was super anxious for the first few months, even though I had many options. Even now, dating a man who is very much attracted to me, I have moments where I wonder what he sees in me and I'm amazed at his passion and affection. He worries about being able to keep up, but now that the beast has been fed regularly, it's calmed down somewhat, so I no longer try to eat him alive. 😁 

A book that helped me a lot was "The Four Agreements" The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book): Don Miguel Ruiz: 9781878424310: Amazon.com: Books. "What other people think of you is none of your business" is one of the most freeing things I ever discovered. It's much easier said than done, but then nothing anyone says/does is a reflection of who you are. I agree with Wanda, some IC would be invaluable to help you reaffirm some self-worth/esteem. My therapist helped me see myself with fresh eyes, after years of feeling like absolute trash.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Looks like after years of that kind of experience you have been conditioned to see sex as transaction not expression of love, affection and passion.


@WandaJ I'm going to go into TMI territory here. I think that you know my story, ten years no sex from my XWW because of what she did. My second marriage is so different. Whereas I lost affection for my ex, the intensity I have for my wife is off the charts. I had a fwb situation and a couple of other hookups after divorce, but wow sex with someone you love is so, so much better. I had forgotten but rediscovered that fact. Also, I know my wife's body and what she reacts to like the back of my hand now. You just can't get that from casual hookups. I hope you can find that for yourself.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Thank you. Stories like that gives us all hope


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> A book that helped me a lot was "The Four Agreements" The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book): Don Miguel Ruiz: 9781878424310: Amazon.com: Books. "What other people think of you is none of your business" is one of the most freeing things I ever discovered. It's much easier said than done, but then nothing anyone says/does is a reflection of who you are. I agree with Wanda, some IC would be invaluable to help you reaffirm some self-worth/esteem. My therapist helped me see myself with fresh eyes, after years of feeling like absolute trash.


Just ordered this book!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Just ordered this book!


A lot of it seemed silly to me at first, but I've re-read it a few times, b/c some of the concepts make sense. I have read it a few times, every time I need a reminder.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm thinking about sex again. 

TMI, but thought I'd share.

Home soon....❤❤


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm thinking about sex again.
> 
> TMI, but thought I'd share.
> 
> Home soon....❤❤


welcome to the club, lol


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm thinking about sex again.
> 
> TMI, but thought I'd share.
> 
> Home soon....❤❤


the truth is, as much as this thread is awesome, it did not help with the main issue at all, lol


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> the truth is, as much as this thread is awesome, it did not help with the main issue at all, lol


Yep, I know it's not helpful. 
Kind of like when someone says don't think of pink elephants. 🙂

May not help even more, last night and this morning were very good to me. 😉


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep, I know it's not helpful.
> Kind of like when someone says don't think of pink elephants. 🙂
> 
> May not help even more, last night and this morning were very good to me. 😉


well, at least it helped someone


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> the truth is, as much as this thread is awesome, it did not help with the main issue at all, lol


The best way to stop thinking about something is to have a steady supply of it. 

When was the last time you thought about water or electricity? 

You don't think about electricity until you flip the light switch and nothing happens. You don't think about water until the water main breaks or you step into the shower and everyone else has used up all the hot water. 

This is no different. 

Get out there and get on the market.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> The best way to stop thinking about something is to have a steady supply of it.
> 
> When was the last time you thought about water or electricity?
> 
> ...


Ay, ay, Captain!

After long research and discussion, it seems this is the only way


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> Ay, ay, Captain!
> 
> After long research and discussion, it seems this is the only way


I'm very envious of the lucky guy that gets to break the dry spell ;-)


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Ay, ay, Captain!
> 
> After long research and discussion, it seems this is the only way


You know I expect da deets, right? 🧐🤯😱


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

TXTrini said:


> You know I expect da deets, right? 🧐🤯😱


😆


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> You know, that's what I used to think. But I think this applies to people where divorce was sudden and/or unwelcome thing. I have been lonely in my marriage for years too, and checking out of it, and divorce right now is not a tragic event but it is a light in the tunnel (even though getting through divorce is tough). I feel free and hopeful, not depressed.
> 
> *And yes - men who are scared of women with higher libido, are real thing....*


Men, even determined men, can strengthen, build up, manage, control everything but that part of their body.
Age and common medications don't help.

The male ego is a SOB.
Some men have fragile ones, some angry ones, some withdraw and give up.

_Are Dee-_


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