# How do you trust after infidelity???



## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

Not just your partner if you stay, but anyone ever again? I left my husband just three days ago and already he has "unfriended" me on facebook and is adding women left and right. Fishing for someone to replace me I am sure all the while he promises me he is "changing" to fix our marriage. Whatever. I have a horrible view of marriage and relationships now. I know it's still early on and trust me I'm not even considering dating again at this point but the whole idea just makes me sick. Are people ever faithful? Are they ever honest with themselves? How can I find the "good" in others again???


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sorry that you are in this place, MB. Unfortunately for most, the crap that your STBXH is doing now is just a way to avoid grief - a coping mechanism if you will. It avoids the person having to feel what they would otherwise. He continues to show you what a coward he is. Try and let that go. Who cares if he unfriended you on FB. You should be more focused on separating. 

In regards to trust... As we all know... there are no guarantees in life. Infidelity affects all types of people: rich, poor, religious, agnostic, etc. I think that one commonality is the propensity for selfishness that cheaters exhibit. I'm not dating anyone either (trust issues, different reason), but when I do, I know that I will be looking for signs of excessive selfishness and the inability to control ones temper. Those are dealbreakers for me. 

At one point though, making yourself vulnerable again will be a conscious decision... and that decision can only be made when you are ready. 

Best wishes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Simple answer! I don't!*


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Whoever I am with in the future will sadly never get everything from me. I'll never trust anyone fully again


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

It's gone. Another casualty from the ****storm that is infidelity.

I try not to think about it too much because it's so depressing to make that realization.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mamabear131617 said:


> Not just your partner if you stay, but anyone ever again? I left my husband just three days ago and already he has "unfriended" me on facebook and is adding women left and right. Fishing for someone to replace me I am sure all the while he promises me he is "changing" to fix our marriage. Whatever. I have a horrible view of marriage and relationships now. I know it's still early on and trust me I'm not even considering dating again at this point but the whole idea just makes me sick. Are people ever faithful? Are they ever honest with themselves? How can I find the "good" in others again???


It takes a good deal of time.

My wife cheated on me and we reconciled. And now, years later, I trust her again. Pretty much. But there's always a little, tiny niggle of doubt at the back of the mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was in false R for 30 years. The trust never came back completely during that time but for certain it left after discovering my R was false. I'm divorced now so my ex-husband is no longer a problem but its doubtful I will ever again trust another man. That's the continuing fall-out from infidelity for many of us.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Nope, never again. It just changes you like a death.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

To the OP, sorry for your sadness. In time your ability to trust another person will come back if you let it. As to your significant other, no, you will never be able to trust this person. If you want to trust again, you'll need to meet someone new. Don't let your significant other rob you any longer. Cut them lose, and flush them down the toilet along with all the turds of your life.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

mamabear131617 said:


> Not just your partner if you stay, but anyone ever again? I left my husband just three days ago and already he has "unfriended" me on facebook and is adding women left and right. Fishing for someone to replace me I am sure all the while he promises me he is "changing" to fix our marriage. Whatever. I have a horrible view of marriage and relationships now. I know it's still early on and trust me I'm not even considering dating again at this point but the whole idea just makes me sick. Are people ever faithful? Are they ever honest with themselves? How can I find the "good" in others again???


Mamabear, I came to see how you were doing and I see you left him. Oh my goodness you are one hell of a gutsy courageous lady although that is no consolation right now.

"_We have a 11 month old and I am about 6 months pregnant with our second._" 
Considering your family situation I feel for you more than any other BS thread I have read recently. Do you have support of family or friends? You might like to see a lawyer soon to make sure you get financial support from WS. Call on your family/friends to go with you as you will find it hard to think straight right now.

As to what WS has done, what will happen with 'all the women' he is contacting in on Facebook is that he will do to them what he did to you. He will be playing them off against each other left, right and centre. That is one thing many BS have said, let another woman deal with him because she will get the same thing.

In terms of trusting anyone again? Try not to completely lose your faith in the human race. There are many good people out there - just look at all the loyal spouses on TAM, an equal split of men and women. You will certainly be more cautious about giving anyone your love again and you will be wiser as all of us BS have become and better able to pick up on warning signs. 

I have great admiration for you. You have done the best you could. Whatever happens you have now sent him the message loud and clear that you will NOT tolerate any more of his cruel behaviour. 

I feel for you so much. (((hugs))). Come here for support and perhaps let posters know of your circumstances so that they may be able to give you some advice. There are many wise people on here and they have all been through it. 

I will check in on you often.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should never had trusted anyone 100% in the first place. Its not normal, all humans are fallible. If you want to trust something a hundred percent, get a dog.

When you accept that you can be happy. Ones happiness depends on ones self, not others.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You should never had trusted anyone 100% in the first place. Its not normal, all humans are fallible. If you want to trust something a hundred percent, get a dog.
> 
> When you accept that you can be happy. Ones happiness depends on ones self, not others.


I agree, we are infallible, Chaparral. However that may not be much consolation to MamaBear right now. 

In fact WS have been known to use it as an excuse, "he/she pursued me relentlessly, blah, blah".

Most people are aware of their infallibility and resist temptation when it comes along, thereby preventing their spouse and/or kids going through the hell that is seen all over these pages. And temptation comes along all the time. 

Of all the married couples I've known through my life, most of them seem to have got it right despite their infallibility.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You should never had trusted anyone 100% in the first place. Its not normal, all humans are fallible. If you want to trust something a hundred percent, get a dog.
> 
> When you accept that you can be happy. Ones happiness depends on ones self, not others.



Even dogs dont give unconditional love. Stop feeding them and wait...


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## mamabear131617 (Oct 5, 2013)

********** said:


> Mamabear, I came to see how you were doing and I see you left him. Oh my goodness you are one hell of a gutsy courageous lady although that is no consolation right now.
> 
> "_We have a 11 month old and I am about 6 months pregnant with our second._"
> Considering your family situation I feel for you more than any other BS thread I have read recently. Do you have support of family or friends? You might like to see a lawyer soon to make sure you get financial support from WS. Call on your family/friends to go with you as you will find it hard to think straight right now.
> ...


Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. I do have an amazing support system. I am so thankful for them and they stuck around while I blew them all off during the relationship. My situation unfortunately goes beyond infidelity. In a way I am glad he cheated and I caught him because it opened my eyes to how abusive he was. He hid it well with his charm. It is extremely confusing how someone can tear you apart as a person with "kind" words and a smile on their face. I lived in denial. I have so much clarity now and I can see him for what he was. I am so thankful for that as well. I' just taking it a day at a time. Yesterday was rough because I let him get to me. Today is better.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ever thought that, maybe, you trusted too much in the first place.

Surely like most people, you had to come to the conclusion either in your teens or twenties, at least, that it wasn't a good idea to loan friends money.

I used to ask myself, hey, why doesn't she have any of the same problems as I do. then I noticed that smart people just don't get themselves as strung out as trusting people do. (notice how I called the other group something positive like "smart" instead something negative like "people with trust issues")

they also forgive less often, ie ever been late or in some way let down another personand then you never heard from them again?

Instead looking at this situation as if you have lost something, maybe you should look at it as if you had gained something...... like some wisdom in how to deal with others on various levels.....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> *Ever thought that, maybe, you trusted too much in the first place.
> 
> Surely like most people, you had to come to the conclusion either in your teens or twenties, at least, that it wasn't a good idea to loan friends money.*


*It is a lot like loaning folks money, except that you're loaning out your heart. 

I know that I will definitely still have some innate difficulty in coming to trust again!*


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## Boogiemaster (Oct 11, 2012)

Once the trust is broken no amount of super glue is ever going to repair it.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I can't trust somebody who betrayed me once; I may give them ONE more chance if they beg enough, but trust, that's gone with that particular person. Applies to SOs and friendships as well.

However, I have no problem in giving someone new a fair shot, free of previous dissapointments baggage. It's starts with 50/50 trust...it goes up or down from there, based on their actions.
I don't believe all men are cheaters or all women are; just because I had the misfortune of having met a cheater, doesn't mean everybody else will betray me.
Also, I'm the type of person who falls, cries a little, then stands up and goes on no matter what. 

Though, I don't believe in trusting 100% anyone, no matter how honest and trustworthy they seem. We're all fallible, and never know when we grow weak. I trust only my mother 100%.Not even myself.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I can't remember who said it but it was basically, "I'm not that upset you lied to me. I'm really upset that I can never believe you again".


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It takes a good deal of time.
> 
> My wife cheated on me and we reconciled. And now, years later, I trust her again. Pretty much. But there's always a little, tiny niggle of doubt at the back of the mind.


But Matt the truth of that in it's completeness is that frankly you still don't trust her 

When you trust somebody properly there is not 95% - it's complete 100%

That's why there 's a word for it when it's complete - 'trust'

Anything less and it's it's not that word it's not 'trust' 

When people say it's not the same that's the very bit they are talking about 

"Well I kinda do trust them" "almost totally" "nearly" 
"It's nearly like it was before his/her affair"

Fact is it isn't and never is going to be 



Sad but true


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I dont and I couldnt which is why I left. I had to be honest with myself. I could never trust him the same way again no matter how much time had passed. I was mad at myself for not leaving sooner. The constant nagging the trust but verfy tactics took its toll mentally. Iam so sorry you are here, no matter what you decide its tough as hell. I wish you luck.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Headspin said:


> MattMatt said:
> 
> 
> > It takes a good deal of time.
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* using Android_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I don't think i will trust anyone 100% ever again, especially my WW. I would be ok at 98% trust, I think maybe.
I am still on the fence about staying or not.

She wanted to go on a GNO last friday, I said you can go but I will probably not be here when you get back.

She said "you don't trust me" I said No i do not she got mad then cried.
2 months since last/latest DD.
she can not comprehend this.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I don't think i will trust anyone 100% ever again, especially my WW. I would be ok at 98% trust, I think maybe.
I am still on the fence about staying or not.

She wanted to go on a GNO last friday, I said you can go but I will probably not be here when you get back.

She said "you don't trust me" I said No i do not. She got mad then cried.
2 months since last/latest DD.
she can not comprehend this.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

mamabear131617 said:


> Not just your partner if you stay, but anyone ever again? I left my husband just three days ago and already he has "unfriended" me on facebook and is adding women left and right. Fishing for someone to replace me I am sure all the while he promises me he is "changing" to fix our marriage. Whatever. I have a horrible view of marriage and relationships now. I know it's still early on and trust me I'm not even considering dating again at this point but the whole idea just makes me sick. Are people ever faithful? Are they ever honest with themselves? How can I find the "good" in others again???


I could never trust a person who cheated on me again, at least not 100% and I refuse to be in a relationship with some whom I can't trust 100%. Now that doesn't mean I couldn't trust again. I realize that everyone is a different person and just because my ex cheated doesn't mean my wife will. In fact I used it as a learning tool to figure out what behaviors to watch for and what I will and will not tolerate. It helped establish how important boundaries are in a marriage and be more discerning with who I'm willing to allow into my heart. My wife is an AMAZING woman, but I also feel that I deserve her and anything less than amazing wouldn't cut it for me. 

I "compromised" once and I see how that ended (compromise as in tolerating behaviors that I really shouldn't, not compromise as in a healthy give and take in a relationship). After my divorce I told myself that I who ever I meet better be the creme de la creme or she's not worth my time. I know what I bring to a relationship and I deserve as well as I give. 

For me as an individual, my ex cheating on me was probably the best thing that could've happened because of the lessons I learned from it have made me a great husband and strengthened me. The problem was there were two kids who also were in that mix, but I try my best to have the divorce affect them the least. My oldest suffered the most because he and I had a great bond, we still do, but you can see where his security isn't as strong as you'd normally hope.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

Just two days ago, my wife came home from a work conference and said to me: “One of our individual exercises was about trust. We were instructed to sum up trust in one word, and you know what I did? I wrote down your name! You are the definition of trust to me.”

Well, I was a little flattered. I responded by telling her that one of the axioms I live by is this: once you pare down all the complexities of our society, the only currency a man (or woman) has that has any real value is their word. Being trustworthy in all dealings with my fellow human beings is paramount to me.

She then told me, “That’s not what I mean. I’m trying to tell you that _I_ trust _you_. I’m trying to describe how I view our relationship and that I’m willing to share my life with you; that I trust you that much.”

For a second or two, it was a little confusing, but then I realized: she wasn’t complimenting me at all, she was complimenting herself on what a great person she is because she trusts me, like it’s some great trait or sacrifice on her part.

Nothing new under the sun. My wife is such a selfish creature and she can’t even see it.

Absolutely amazing.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

mamabear131617 said:


> Not just your partner if you stay, but anyone ever again? I left my husband just three days ago and already he has "unfriended" me on facebook and is adding women left and right. Fishing for someone to replace me I am sure all the while he promises me he is "changing" to fix our marriage. Whatever. I have a horrible view of marriage and relationships now. I know it's still early on and trust me I'm not even considering dating again at this point but the whole idea just makes me sick. Are people ever faithful? Are they ever honest with themselves? How can I find the "good" in others again???


Either he's trying to make you jealous, or he's really looking.. either way, super immature and not a sign of changing.. A sign he was trying to change would be to delete his FB account without you needing to ask.

You won't ever have the same view on marriage again.. you just have to learn to live with it. It sucks. Sorry you're in the club.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> Just two days ago, my wife came home from a work conference and said to me: “One of our individual exercises was about trust. We were instructed to sum up trust in one word, and you know what I did? I wrote down your name! You are the definition of trust to me.”
> 
> Well, I was a little flattered. I responded by telling her that one of the axioms I live by is this: once you pare down all the complexities of our society, the only currency a man (or woman) has that has any real value is their word. Being trustworthy in all dealings with my fellow human beings is paramount to me.
> 
> ...


She loves that you love her..


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Regarding trust - I recently read on Marriage Builders website:
I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.

First, I was disagree (what's about trust?!) but after giving it a thought I found it's very practical. Prevention is better than cure...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

One the rose colored glasses come off they never fit quite right again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Another word for trust, IMO....."lazy."


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

Aerith said:


> Regarding trust - I recently read on Marriage Builders website:
> I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.
> 
> First, I was disagree (what's about trust?!) but after giving it a thought I found it's very practical. Prevention is better than cure...


I read that too right after DDay. I use to pride myself in 100% trust and lack of jealousy. Now I see that I failed to protect my marriage. Of course, I am not to blame for what happened, but I was blind.


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## jmiller2020 (Sep 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It takes a good deal of time.
> 
> My wife cheated on me and we reconciled. And now, years later, I trust her again. Pretty much. But there's always a little, tiny niggle of doubt at the back of the mind.


For me the trust would always be different...because there is a loss of innocence. In order to move forward and R I would need to trust myself in the fact that I would stay vigilant and that I would catch the signs etc. And I would trust myself to handle the pain (should it happen again). A life without trust is not a life IMO. We can attempt to protect ourselves all we want but pain is inevitable so why limit our life and keep so many at arms distance to protect against being vulnerable. You survived it once you will survive it again (that is if it ever happens again..).


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Ones happiness depends on ones self, not others.


quoted for truth...

you make you happy...a spouse or partner only compliments it, JOINS it...

I have NEVER depended on another human being for my happiness...i have allowed others to join me in it however

I am sorry you are in this ****ty scenario...only YOU can fix it...if he really is using facebook as a temporary breeding ground, then you KNOW where he really stands...

move on...find someone who deserves you AFTER you rediscover yourself...:smthumbup:


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