# How am I the "Bad Guy?"



## prostogau (Jul 29, 2016)

So after nearly 7 years of "marital bliss", a heated argument got out of control. We've had our share of blow outs, this one was much different. This time, she resorted to punches, after which I resorted to the "C" bomb. Mind you, while she's punching me (on the leg) I'm trying to rock our 2 yr old back to sleep. It's an instance where she confronts me to the point where I have nowhere to go to avoid any further conflict, and she continues the argument. 

So here we are, the day after, and I'm the a-hole?! I can't wrap my head around this. Somehow, no matter what her actions were, I'm in the wrong for calling her a c***. At what point was the line crossed: was it when I called her that, or was it when she decided to start punching me while I had my kid in my arms? This isn't a thing where I feel abused, but completely frustrated by the fact that I felt like my hands were tied, and my last resort was to hurl a name at her out of rage.

Somebody please shed some light on this, because I am baffled. I'm either in the wrong, no matter what, or my wife is bat-sh*t crazy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just my opinion:

They, as in women, can ALL be batslit crazy once in a while. Particularly at a certain time of the month.

So you, as the man, have GOT to understand that she is going to be unreasonable at times.
However, I've found that if you listen long enough, and keep letting them go over the same Sfit repeatedly, it IS possible to find out what they are actually pissed at you about. And it's usually for a real reason although it won't likely be anything you're thinking about. Usually just a perception they took about something you said.

You just have to be the calm, patient one in the argument, and that takes practice.
Realize that you contributed to the escalation or it wouldn't have gone this far.
After seeing how crazy she can get, surely you will stop the escalation from now on.

My fiancée and I have two code words we can say during an argument and if either says the code word, we have to table the argument for later.
You both have got some work to do on how you handle disagreements in a loving, patient, mature way. We all do.

You tell us, is she just a total freaking nut?
If not, you have to be patient with a woman and let them see that you truly care what they're trying to get Acriss to you, even if it seems unreasonable. It's not to them.

Good luck-- yes, they're all this way.✌
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

My fiancée sent me this during an argument yesterday, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She was punching you? Physical assault is simply not OK in a marriage. Its not talked about much but women are about as likely to commit domestic violence as men are. Many men feel stuck - the feel that they can't even fight back because it is wrong to hit a woman. 

If she is physically attacking you while you are holding a child, that was especially bad. 

Imagine this with the genders reversed. "I was trying to hold my child but my husband kept hitting me". What advice would you give a woman in that situation?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You were wrong... in my opinion that is one of the lowest slanders one could throw at anyone they truly care about.

The line was crossed several levels before you even got to your worst... put aside your anger and pride and apologize for using such a derogatory name with her, then address your wife's behavior letting her know that there is no physical violence you will put up with and that if she does it again you will be forced to intervene with law enforcement simply to protect all.

If she can strike you, your child may end up a victim of violence in the future... be sure to get a VAR, there is no doubt you will be needing it in the future with the behavior and conversations you are experiencing... it will also keep you in check from using triggers that bring out the worst in both of you and let her know you want to use it for clarifying your disagreements so that you both can learn form your interactions. To overcome any of this, forget the finger-pointing and own your own actions.

If there is physical lashing out, you have serious problems in your relationship and need counseling immediately, no relationship should experience any form of physical abuse.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Firstly, a rant:



Evinrude58 said:


> Particularly at a certain time of the month.


OK, this pisses me off. And NO, it is NOT that time of the month. :x

My husband used to dismiss me when I'd get upset if it was around 'that time of the month'. WTF??? Does me being on my period mean that my concerns should just be DISMISSED?? If my period lasts a week, and guys think that the week before and the week after can be PMS times, then that only leaves me ONE WEEK OF THE ENTIRE MONTH where I can bring up concerns and actually have them listened to. Fvck off. (that was NOT directed at anyone in particular) I had to get to menopause before he stopped blaming things that were actually HIS fault on my cycles!!!!!!!

Now, to address the OP:

BOTH of you did horrible things. If your wife is anything like me, she feels pretty bad, but also doesn't want to 'give in'. She may not know what the hell happened or how to fix it. So, be the better person in this instance and apologize to her for your part in it. DO NOT qualify your apology - do NOT say something like "I'm sorry but....." or "I'm sorry you...........". Just say "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. You can add what YOU did to it, but do NOT refer to anything that she did or that you think she feels or anything like that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You were both wrong. However, IMO physical attacks (and especially in the situation you describe with your child present) are always worse than verbal attacks especially when mitigated by the fact that you were responding to an attack. You BOTH owe each other an apology - you can be the bigger person and go first, and ask for one from her after. If it's not forthcoming, then either insist on marriage counseling to resolve your issues, or divorce her.


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

The one who commits the arrestable offense is the one in the wrong, no question.

If you know that you are being unreasonable, or that you get unreasonable at a certain time of month, then it's incumbent upon YOU to correct you behaviour, not others to placate you. I'd expect that behaviour from the two year old, not my wife.


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## prostogau (Jul 29, 2016)

Thanks for the reply. Our argument carried over this morning on the phone while driving into work. The argument shifted from what caused the initial argument to me using the word, and what a POS and loser I am for using it. 

I feel like at this point, saying I'm sorry doesn't address her actions, and basically means that it's alright for her to do what she did, but not OK for me to say what I said.

- This is in response to Hope.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> DO NOT qualify your apology - do NOT say something like "I'm sorry but....." or "I'm sorry you...........". Just say "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. You can add what YOU did to it, but do NOT refer to anything that she did or that you think she feels or anything like that.


Absolutely... but identify clearly what you are apologizing for, your actions.

Her actions are separate issues, there is no "you made me" in this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds like she's blaming everything on your "word". I don't see any special significance to that word and would equivocate it with POS or LOSER. They're all three meant strictly to hurt someone.

Your wife has a horrible temper, and it's still high. I wouldn't say anything to her until she was ready to calm down and I'd tell her so. 

What's going on with your wife? Why the extreme anger?



As to previous poster:

Women do get irritable and over-emotional for a period of time every month. We men have to endure it. I never said their feelings weren't valid during any time. But you all should accept that you are apt to go be hypersensitive and over emotional for several days. 
Being angry because I point this out doesn't make me wrong.
A woman has her perspective. Surely they've dealt with one another and seen what I speak of.
It's just a part of life with women.
I am NOT saying their feelings aren't valid just because they're pms'ing. And I didn't say ignore them. Should every man have the app that helps him remember when his SO's period is? Heck yes!!!!!!!!!!
Should he dismiss them at a certain time???
NO! Just be aware.

I told the OP that he should work on not escalating arguments. I didn't tell him to divorce his wife because she punched him in the leg or whatever else. Yes, she went too far with her anger. OP hasn't said what the argument was about or who he felt was right or anything.
But she MAY have went overboard for whatever reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

prostogau said:


> Thanks for the reply. Our argument carried over this morning on the phone while driving into work. The argument shifted from what caused the initial argument to me using the word, and what a POS and loser I am for using it.
> 
> I feel like at this point, saying I'm sorry doesn't address her actions, and basically means that it's alright for her to do what she did, but not OK for me to say what I said.
> 
> - This is in response to Hope.


YOU saying sorry addresses YOUR actions and yours alone. SHE is responsible for her actions. SHE has to apologize for her actions. HOWEVER, you cannot control what she does. It's totally up to her.

If you apologize and she doesn't, well then you will have to take that into consideration as you mull the state of your relationship. You can tell her, in a week or something, that the fact she never apologized hurts you terribly. Again, though, you talk about YOURSELF and not her. YOUR feelings. And she will do what she will do about it.

If everyone waited for everyone else to apologize, then no one ever would!!!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A very helpful historic book says that a husband and wife should not let the sun go down on their anger. 
I hate it when that happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Why are you spending your energy negatively?

Please, "Take The High Road" with this... own it and correct it, therein lies the true act of strength, not stoic resistance, that is negative energy and ill-spent.

Only when you realize where you are can you send your wife the positive caring energy she needs to look at this from her side. 

Then be humble and send yourself some forgiveness and dedicate yourself to acting and reacting differently.

Think of yourself to how you can lead positively, that is your true base of power, love and compassion bundled with honesty and self.

Is there any reason you would not chose this?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Another 'let's give a pass to a woman hitting a guy' thread.

Doubt you went from 'marital bliss' to she's hitting you and you're calling your wife the 'C' word...something is missing from this story.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> Women do get irritable and over-emotional for a period of time every month. We men have to endure it. I never said their feelings weren't valid during any time. But you all should accept that you are apt to go be hypersensitive and over emotional for several days.
> Being angry because I point this out doesn't make me wrong.
> A woman has her perspective. Surely they've dealt with one another and seen what I speak of.
> It's just a part of life with women.
> ...


No, you didn't say to discount what she says, and yes some women do tend to freak out around their periods, and yes, men AND WOMEN should be aware of it. However, just the simple fact of bringing it up diminishes whatever thing the woman is trying to say if she's upset about it. It's like saying that a man with a wandering eye is just doing it because he's listening to his little head instead of his big one. A woman freaks out on her husband - she shouldn't use PMSing as an excuse, and he had better not just duck and run and wait for the storm to blow over because he thinks it's PMS. He should address the issue, and so should she.

My husband DID brush me off for that reason, at the same time I was well aware of the time of the month and yet it was NOT the sole reason I was upset.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> Another 'let's give a pass to a woman hitting a guy' thread.
> 
> Doubt you went from 'marital bliss' to she's hitting you and you're calling your wife the 'C' word...something is missing from this story.


guy said he doesn't feel abused, so I am going with that. Obviously if he was saying that she punched him in the head and knocked him cold or broke his nose, it's another story. SHE needs to address her issues, and if she doesn't then the OP would be very wise to re evaluate his relationship with her. 

Generally speaking, guys are better able to prevent women from hurting them than women are able to prevent men from hurting them. So I am not sure why people think the two scenarios should be treated equally. If - IF - the man IS getting beaten up by a physically imposing woman then of course he should be counseled to get to a shelter, just like a woman should. But GENERALLY SPEAKING that isn't the case, and here the guy says he doesn't feel abused - she was hitting his leg.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> guy said he doesn't feel abused, so I am going with that. Obviously if he was saying that she punched him in the head and knocked him cold or broke his nose, it's another story. SHE needs to address her issues, and if she doesn't then the OP would be very wise to re evaluate his relationship with her.
> 
> Generally speaking, guys are better able to prevent women from hurting them than women are able to prevent men from hurting them. So I am not sure why people think the two scenarios should be treated equally. If - IF - the man IS getting beaten up by a physically imposing woman then of course he should be counseled to get to a shelter, just like a woman should. But GENERALLY SPEAKING that isn't the case, and here the guy says he doesn't feel abused - she was hitting his leg.


Men usually say those things, studies have shown. This is the problem, and why women get away with abuse escalating. There's also women who stay in abusive relationships and say the same thing. If I posted a thread stating that my bf is punching me in the leg (or anywhere) ...everyone would be telling me it's wrong, and abusive. It's a wrong message to make it seem that women are less capable of abuse than men. Men just have been taught to accept it, and to not make a big deal about it. It's just sad.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Deidre,
What do you think should be done about her hitting him?
Should he call the police? He'd likely be the one arrested.
Should he divorce her? Kind of extreme.
Should he ask her not to? That doesn't work well.

I'm just asking.... OP is not concerned much about her hitting his leg as far as "abuse" is concerned. It's the violent temper and craziness in general. I agree. 
I just don't know how he should handle the hitting, or the temper...without divorcing.

Looking for some wisdom on this....
My fiancée actually hit me on my back/shoulder Several times last night. It's happened before when she loses her temper--- she was mad I was walking away and leaving our "fight" which I finally figured out was because I offended her by telling her in my " teacher voice" that she needed to practice driving more smoothly and not accelerating and braking so hard. She felt I was being condescending and correcting her in front of her kids. I came back and listened further and finally understood why she was angry (I had listened calmly for about 30 min. And told her I would not do that again and listen when she told me to stop, already) said I was sorry and it was all fine. The hitting thing does kinda bug me. But she can't hit me hard enough to hurt me and she knows it. She was giving it her best shot, though. 
I feel like the "hitting" is just her way of telling me she is really angry beyond words. Like I said, I'm a fairly solid fellow and she isn't trying to really hurt me. 


Sounds like a husband and wife who have forgotten that they both have to show each other they are loved---- even in an argument. And the wife here is the worst offender.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Another 'let's give a pass to a woman hitting a guy' thread.
> 
> Doubt you went from 'marital bliss' to she's hitting you and you're calling your wife the 'C' word...something is missing from this story.


I agree.

Why is it that PMS is used as an excuse for violence? 
OK yes I'm a woman, yes I get PMS, but I don't go crazy or violent towards my husband. 

It's not PMS, it's bad behaviour & couples not listening properly to one another. 

If you keep talking over a another person and don't listen, they feel violence is their last resort to get listened too. 

Both parties need to calm down & take turns listening to each other & learn to walk away if it's escalating towards shouting & violence. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Well.....

Violence is never the solution. Neither is calling each other derogatory things. In the heat of the argument we all show our imperfections times ten though don't we? I know I have.

That being said, I don't know why some people have to be so stubborn about apologizing after things have calmed down. We all need to be willing to do that in a marriage.

Here is what I would do if I were you.

I would tell her "I should have never called you that, I am very sorry." Also apologize for anything else you should apologize for that happened in the argument. 

Then give her a little bit of time. Hopefully she will return the favor and apologize to you also. If she doesn't, after some time has passed I would ask her, "Was there any part of what happened during our argument that you would like to apologize for?"

If she doesn't apologize for hitting you while you were holding your baby, then maybe she is a c*nt...:surprise:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Deidre,
> What do you think should be done about her hitting him?
> Should he call the police? He'd likely be the one arrested.
> Should he divorce her? Kind of extreme.
> ...


I've never hit a guy in my life. There's no reason at all, for hitting to become a part of one's 'argument style.' You making excuses for your gf's behavior, is just more of what I'm saying. She shouldn't be hitting you...the fact that you accept it and make excuses for her, is why it will continue. It's not normal behavior, to pretend like it is, you're just fooling yourself. I say this in kindness, not to judge you...but she shouldn't be hitting you.  Does she hit her boss? Strangers when she gets angry? Most likely not...so why does hit you?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I agree.
> 
> Why is it that PMS is used as an excuse for violence?
> OK yes I'm a woman, yes I get PMS, but I don't go crazy or violent towards my husband.
> ...


Exactly, and making excuses for bad behaviors doesn't help that person to grow. The person stays stuck in this violent cycle and never learns a better way to communicate. Accepting abuse is never a good way to handle abuse.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree. I don't like it even if it's not a huge deal for me. I just don't really know how to stop it. She's a wonderful woman, but she does have a bad temper. I do also. 
I can say bad things in an argument. Told her "F You" once. Can't remember ever calling her a name, but I called my ex plenty and am ashamed of it. 

I can stop her from hitting me anytime I want. She couldn't stop me if I was some crazy that hit women (I've never done that)
That's why I see the women hitting men as not so bad as a man hitting a woman. 
Now if the man was actually getting abused, much different. I have heard of that happening, it's just not a concern for me.

I'm going to talk to her about that tonight. I'll report back what the result is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The last time my ex wife punched me in the arm, I made an exit plan and left the house 2 weeks later. I knew the next time she hit me, I wouldn't hold back and I'd be in jail and she'd be in the hospital or worse. Ugh, I'm never getting married again! lol


If she continues to be physical with you, you need to leave her. Let her know you won't tolerate it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If someone is hitting someone else, it's never right. I don't think anyone here is saying that it IS right. What *I* am saying is that a man hitting a woman, and a woman hitting a man, are NOT the same thing, GENERALLY SPEAKING. And rightly so. I do not see a need to make comments like "Oh, another thread where it's OK for a woman to hit a guy" or "If a guy was doing that to a woman you wouldn't be saying this and this" NO ONE here is saying it's OK.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

What you both did was wrong but physical violence is definitely worse than verbal, so she is more in the wrong. The fact that she carried on to the day after is even more unsettling. She seems to be alot like my wife, incapable of doing wrong (in her little world). I'm always Mr. *******, so that doesn't even bother me anymore. I've never her called anything derogatory.

My wife has hit me to so what I've done is use that to my advantage. I told her right after it happened that if she ever did it again I call the cops and have her ass hauled into jail. Then I'd file for divorce and with that on her record she may not get custody of the kids. That's the last time I ever had to deal with that problem.

I suggest that you do the same. She seems to be very ill-tempered and you need something you can use to stop her from hurting the kids. I would start to log all of her outbursts like this and get VAR's to try to start getting some of these outbursts on film.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree. I don't like it even if it's not a huge deal for me. I just don't really know how to stop it. She's a wonderful woman, but she does have a bad temper. I do also.
> I can say bad things in an argument. Told her "F You" once. Can't remember ever calling her a name, but I called my ex plenty and am ashamed of it.
> 
> I can stop her from hitting me anytime I want. She couldn't stop me if I was some crazy that hit women (I've never done that)
> ...


The problem is though, the total lack of respect that she has for you. Which your ex wife also had no respect for you. The true sign of a person's character is how they act when stressed, angry, etc not when everything is going their way. You probably should ask yourself why you attract women who don't respect you...because that is the problem. Even if this woman can't do the same physical damage to you, as you could do to her by hitting...it's still abuse, because it's a blatant disregard for you as a person, and shows no respect. But, people treat us as we let them treat us...there's a reason why you have an ex who brings high drama and disrespect, and now, this woman. 

Just food for thought.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> The last time my ex wife punched me in the arm, I made an exit plan and left the house 2 weeks later. I knew the next time she hit me, I wouldn't hold back and I'd be in jail and she'd be in the hospital or worse. Ugh, I'm never getting married again! lol
> 
> 
> If she continues to be physical with you, you need to leave her. Let her know you won't tolerate it.


Good for you for leaving! No one should tolerate abuse of any kind, if someone feels the need to hit in an argument, GET OUT...because such a person is honestly, not stable...and not worth it. 'He/she loves me, and is so awesome' is just something people tell themselves who are in abusive, toxic relationships. I used to be an abusive relationship, and told myself a lot of things because I was too scared to dump him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> If someone is hitting someone else, it's never right. I don't think anyone here is saying that it IS right. What *I* am saying is that a man hitting a woman, and a woman hitting a man, are NOT the same thing, GENERALLY SPEAKING. And rightly so. I do not see a need to make comments like "Oh, another thread where it's OK for a woman to hit a guy" or "If a guy was doing that to a woman you wouldn't be saying this and this" NO ONE here is saying it's OK.


The fact that the OP's wife is turning this around and making him the bad guy, etc...shows that he's in an abusive relationship...emotionally, verbally and now, physically. This is what abusers do...they hit, yell, humiliate, etc...and then when the person lashes out with a word like he did (and he was wrong too)...the abuser turns it all around to look he/she is the victim. And it goes on because they have partners that make excuses for it. But, I get that, because it's part of the cycle...abusers need people who accept the abuse, in order to keep it going. If the OP said ...'you hit me again, I'm leaving,' I have a feeling she'd stop. But, if he grovels to get back in her good graces, and she doesn't see the need to apologize, then this will continue and will get worse, most likely.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> The fact that the OP's wife is turning this around and making him the bad guy, etc...shows that he's in an abusive relationship...emotionally, verbally and now, physically. This is what abusers do...they hit, yell, humiliate, etc...and then when the person lashes out with a word like he did (and he was wrong too)...the abuser turns it all around to look he/she is the victim. And it goes on because they have partners that make excuses for it. But, I get that, because it's part of the cycle...abusers need people who accept the abuse, in order to keep it going. If the OP said ...'you hit me again, I'm leaving,' I have a feeling she'd stop. But, if he grovels to get back in her good graces, and she doesn't see the need to apologize, then this will continue and will get worse, most likely.


OK......doesn't really address what I am saying about men hitting women and vice versa not being the same though.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> OK......doesn't really address what I am saying about men hitting women and vice versa not being the same though.


Just because a man can do more physical damage to a woman, on average, doesn't mean it's not abuse. It's every bit as humiliating/disrespectful, for a guy to accept his wife/gf hitting him during arguments, as it is a woman. And how I know it's abuse is most likely she isn't hitting anyone else other than him...when she's angry. Why is that? Because she'd be arrested if she hit a total stranger or her boss, for example. I have a feeling she finds other ways to manage her anger with other people outside of the OP, who upset her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I didn't say it isn't abuse. I said it isn't the same. I would even go so far as to say it's MORE humiliating for a guy to get beat up by a woman than the other way around.

I don't think this thread is about her abusing him. It's about way more than that. I think that because it's her hitting him, the abuse factor weighs for less than if it was him hitting her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

They were both wrong, but physical violence is an arrestable offense. Hitting someone who is holding a baby is extreme. The implications are pretty serious.
I agree with the recommendation to:
Apologize for calling her a name and deciding to never resort to that again.
Do not attach the apology to what she did.
Address her physical violence separately and tell her she is never to do that again or there will be consequences. It is unacceptable. Do not let her bring it back to anything that you did. We are all supposed to be adults with self-control.

Further, I recommend that you consider what is an appropriate and healthy boundary if anything like this happens again. How can you not respond with verbal abuse? How can the two of you treat each other respectfully at all times? What will you do if she becomes verbally or physically abusive?
Marriage is about two people who always have each other's backs. It should never be adversarial. Disagreements should never be adversarial. If you two disagree the attitude should be to work together to find a solution. Not to try to get the other person to agree with you and do what you want, but for the two of you to work together and find a solution.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Spicy said:


> If she doesn't apologize for hitting you while you were holding your baby, then maybe she is a c*nt...:surprise:


I loved everything up to this line... please do not justify such language, it truly reduces the issuer.

Respect gets respect... even if it is only self-delivered.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> I didn't say it isn't abuse. I said it isn't the same. I would even go so far as to say it's MORE humiliating for a guy to get beat up by a woman than the other way around.
> 
> I don't think this thread is about her abusing him. It's about way more than that. I think that because it's her hitting him, the abuse factor weighs for less than if it was him hitting her.


It might be good to read up on stats that show how common women hitting men in relationships are, and how most of the men do nothing to stop it, they don't leave, they just tolerate it, etc...because our society tells men that they should deal with it and that 'it's no big deal, she can't really hurt you.' 

There are women who have run over their exes with their cars, shot at them, thrown things at them, etc. That didn't happen over night...it happened probably with a punch...and then more punches, and then...more violence. The more the OP accepts, the worse this will get. And I agree, they are both at fault...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> It might be good to read up on stats that show how common women hitting men in relationships are, and how most of the men do nothing to stop it, they don't leave, they just tolerate it, etc...because our society tells men that they should deal with it and that 'it's no big deal, she can't really hurt you.'
> 
> There are women who have run over their exes with their cars, shot at them, thrown things at them, etc. That didn't happen over night...it happened probably with a punch...and then more punches, and then...more violence. The more the OP accepts, the worse this will get. And I agree, they are both at fault...


I don't feel like you're listening to me at all.

Nowhere have I said men should just put up with abuse from women. What I HAVE said is that women hitting men and men hitting women are not equal scenarios, generally speaking. If you want to pretend they are to further your agenda, go right ahead


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't feel like you're listening to me at all.
> 
> Nowhere have I said men should just put up with abuse from women. What I HAVE said is that women hitting men and men hitting women are not equal scenarios, generally speaking. If you want to pretend they are to further your agenda, go right ahead


I have no agenda. What does it matter if they aren't equal scenarios? It's still abuse, doesn't matter if a woman can't hit as hard as a guy can...it's still abuse. No one should be hitting anyone in a relationship...that's all I'm saying. If my bf were hitting me in the leg in anger, while I was holding a child, no less, nearly everyone would be telling me to leave...not 'talk it out.'


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm guessing the baby needed to be rocked back to sleep because of your argument. The fact that she picked that opportunity to start punching you is disturbing. Shows a blatant disregard for her own child. Also, shows she's a chickensh!t because she knew she was safe when you had your hands full. She and you need counseling for anger management and some parenting classes. Get them now before she starts punching the child.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm guessing the baby needed to be rocked back to sleep because of your argument. The fact that she picked that opportunity to start punching you is disturbing. Shows a blatant disregard for her own child. Also, shows she's a chickensh!t because she knew she was safe when you had your hands full. She and you need counseling for anger management and some parenting classes. Get them now before she starts punching the child.


This x 1000


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I loved everything up to this line... please do not justify such language, it truly reduces the issuer.
> 
> Respect gets respect... even if it is only self-delivered.


Agreed, my bad. But shame on anyone who is not willing to apologize for wrong behavior.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

prostogau said:


> Thanks for the reply. Our argument carried over this morning on the phone while driving into work. The argument shifted from what caused the initial argument to me using the word, and what a POS and loser I am for using it.
> 
> I feel like at this point, saying I'm sorry doesn't address her actions, and basically means that it's alright for her to do what she did, but not OK for me to say what I said.
> 
> - This is in response to Hope.


this is a power play.

you both f-d up, but she is trying to use your f- up to win, rather than reconcile.

winning is more important than reconciling to her.

you should apologize for what you did sincerely and tell her you're moving on. don't engage in any further discussion on the topic unless she is making an effort to reconcile.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

prostogau said:


> Thanks for the reply. Our argument carried over this morning on the phone while driving into work. The argument shifted from what caused the initial argument to me using the word, and what a POS and loser I am for using it.
> 
> I feel like at this point, saying I'm sorry doesn't address her actions, and basically means that it's alright for her to do what she did, but not OK for me to say what I said.
> 
> - This is in response to Hope.


I somehow missed this post. 
So it's okay for her to call you vile names, but when you do it to her it's horrible? She is not owning her behavior at all.
By all means you should apologize for calling her a name.
Then address her name calling, but do not attach it to you calling her a name. Each thing any one person does should be addressed by itself. It is never okay to call one another names. Marriage is about building each other and being in unity. If you are calling each other names, there is a serious breakdown of the marriage bond.

The problem here is not about what happened. It is about the underlying disrespect and contempt you have for each other. Contempt will kill a marriage. That has to be addressed and the other things will fall into place.

This kind of behavior will teach your child about relationships. Is this how you want you child to live? Your home should be a place of peace and love. Really our homes are the only place we have control over that. When we walk outside the door anything could happen, but home should be a place where are completely loved, accepted, and supported. This is not some impossible ideological idea. It can happen in your home if you both change how you view each other and start to work together to build rather than tearing down. Do not be overcome by evil. Overcome evil with good.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Reverse the genders and the answer should be the same. 

If a man were hitting his wife while she was holding her child, I would tell her to get out, and call the police. I would say that he is dangerous and should never be allowed near her child again.

I'll say the same in this case. 




Evinrude58 said:


> Deidre,
> What do you think should be done about her hitting him?
> Should he call the police? He'd likely be the one arrested.
> Should he divorce her? Kind of extreme.
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What is different between women hitting men and men hitting women? 

In both cases the attackers are limiting their attacks to what they consider acceptable damage - otherwise they would stab or shoot their partners.

Often abuse does not cause serious injury - at least a first. Abusers tend to start out with more minor things, then gradually escalate. 

Will slaps turn into punches, turn into heavy thrown object, or assaults with club- like weapons? Will he have to fine excuses for his injuries because he is too embarrassed to admit that his wife "beat him up" - because he couldn't bring himself too hurt a woman. 

I'm of the opinion that a physical attack is cause for instant divorce, no matter what has been said. 




Hope1964 said:


> I don't feel like you're listening to me at all.
> 
> Nowhere have I said men should just put up with abuse from women. What I HAVE said is that women hitting men and men hitting women are not equal scenarios, generally speaking. If you want to pretend they are to further your agenda, go right ahead


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

uhtred said:


> I'm of the opinion that a physical attack is cause for instant divorce, no matter what has been said.


And I am not *shrug*


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Too much black and white thinking in the instant divorce thing. 
I agree that things should never go physical.
Got to have a talk tonight. 

I'm not bruised or battered. Neither is he. Holding the baby? That's crazy, though.

Op and his wife are headed to bad things. 
He really should probably have a long talk with her and think about whether she's the one for him. She sounds like a real monster, but we weren't there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

uhtred said:


> What is different between women hitting men and men hitting women?
> 
> In both cases the attackers are limiting their attacks to what they consider acceptable damage - otherwise they would stab or shoot their partners.
> 
> ...


Escalation is a real threat here. If you don't say or do anything to stop it now, she will feel free to escalate, since it doesn't seem to be a problem. Do not back down on addressing this seriously and having a plan for how you will handle this if it happens again. I know that you said you don't see it as abuse, but it is. As it escalates, each step normalizes the situation until it's out of control and no one wants to believe you because you never said anything before. 

Personally, if this was my brother asking this, I would tell him exactly what I've told you along with to let her know if she hits you again to call 911 and file a report against her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Her problem is not anger management. Her problem is that she does not respect you. No woman who respects her husband hits him. It is also not loving. She is not trying to solve a problem. She is acting out her anger on you. That is a terrible thing to do to the person you're supposed to love.

Again, especially when you are holding your child. That is an extremely threatening and dangerous situation.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Certain things require black and white thinking, IMO, to me this is one of them. It's interesting, in a recent thread, a guy hit his girl with a shirt and people were saying leave. She wasn't holding a baby. This guy is holding a baby, but they are both wrong and her violence is different. This is one of those weird gender biased issues I will NEVER understand because men and women both say the same thing. 

Anyway, no you aren't the bad guy, you said something stupid. Go see if she'll see a doctor if this is something new. Make sure she doesn't have depression or some other reason, which will most likely come up later in the thread. As to the apology go ahead, but end it when you are done. Don't engage in the "I get to humiliate you" game some people play. What I mean is, if you apologize and she escalates you go into another room and do not engage. She either accepts it or doesn't, but she doesn't get to berate you for your admission.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Certain things require black and white thinking, IMO, to me this is one of them. It's interesting, in a recent thread, a guy hit his girl with a shirt and people were saying leave. She wasn't holding a baby. This guy is holding a baby, but they are both wrong and her violence is different. This is one of those weird gender biased issues I will NEVER understand because men and women both say the same thing.
> 
> Anyway, no you aren't the bad guy, you said something stupid. Go see if she'll see a doctor if this is something new. Make sure she doesn't have depression or some other reason, which will most likely come up later in the thread. As to the apology go ahead, but end it when you are done. Don't engage in the "I get to humiliate you" game some people play. What I mean is, if you apologize and she escalates you go into another room and do not engage. She either accepts it or doesn't, but she doesn't get to berate you for your admission.


Great post.

It is the same with crime in our society...a female teacher seduces her male student, she gets a slap on the wrist a lot of the time. Just recently, are women actually serving jail time. But, if a male teacher is having a relationship with a female student, he is going to jail for a long time, no doubt about it. Both are in the wrong, both should be going to jail. As a woman, it's insulting to be told that I'm not responsible for my own actions. I'm not 5 years old. lol Neither is the OP's wife.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> As to the apology go ahead, but end it when you are done. Don't engage in the "I get to humiliate you" game some people play. What I mean is, if you apologize and she escalates you go into another room and do not engage. She either accepts it or doesn't, but she doesn't get to berate you for your admission.


Yes. 

Apologize, but don't let her turn it all around as if the whole thing is your fault. Either she accept your apology or she doesn't.

And again, do not let her off the hook for her violent behavior. She doesn't have to agree with you, but she need to hear what your boundary is and what's going to happen if she does something like that again.


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## SteveBo (Jul 26, 2016)

I think that when a couple get so angry to hit or to call each other bad things it is something more then an argument. Accumulated feelings and emotions have to be released at one point and I think that is the reason for such a situation. However things have to be addressed early.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't feel like you're listening to me at all.
> 
> Nowhere have I said men should just put up with abuse from women. What I HAVE said is that women hitting men and men hitting women are not equal scenarios, generally speaking. If you want to pretend they are to further your agenda, go right ahead


You keep saying it's not equal but it is in the eyes of the law. Domestic violence is domestic violence. just because he can do more physical damage doesn't make him any more or less guilty of it. Police called that night and she is going to jail for assault. 

Is that the right answer , not necessarily because even her arrest will affect him financially and emotionally . No violence is not ok in realtionships period.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

prostogau said:


> Thanks for the reply. Our argument carried over this morning on the phone while driving into work. The argument shifted from what caused the initial argument to me using the word, and what a POS and loser I am for using it.
> 
> I feel like at this point, saying I'm sorry doesn't address her actions, and basically means that it's alright for her to do what she did, but not OK for me to say what I said.
> 
> - This is in response to Hope.


Most men clearly just have no idea what being called the C word does to a woman. It's like saying that, all along, despite the love letters or kisses or romancing, you just think we're a piece of meat and you never really saw us as a human being. All along. Because if you're able to use that word, you HAVE no respect, no love, no anything for us. And it makes me, at least, equate the person who says it to...IDK, a slave trader, or a pimp, someone who couldn't possibly see us as an equal partner.

I know, I know, to you men, what's the big deal, right?

But if you supposedly love someone, you supposedly care about THEIR feelings more than your own. So if you KNOW it hurts us to our core, and still do it anyway...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The 'C' word doesn't bother me any more than any other name. They all hurt. The very fact that your spouse has stooped to calling you names hurts. It isn't to be tolerated.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> You were wrong... in my opinion that is one of the lowest slanders one could throw at anyone they truly care about.


Yet men spend their lives trying to get into them. Go figure


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's funny, my wife was calling me names and I intentionally called her the C word to show her what it was like. I wasn't really calling her the C, but I was trying to make a point. The point got across...that I was calling her the C word. Sigh. 

Also, if anyone hits you, you have every right to go off and wail them in the face.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Herschel said:


> Also, if anyone hits you, you have every right to go off and wail them in the face.


The philosophy of self-defence in the abstract, and the practical legal effects of a man wailing his wife in the face even after being punched, are two wildly different things.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Yet men spend their lives trying to get into them. Go figure


"I'd call you a c***, but you lack the warmth and depth."


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> You keep saying it's not equal but it is in the eyes of the law.


Theoretically, but in practice it isn't. And GENERALLY SPEAKING, it's far less likely that a woman will hurt a man than vice versa.

As for the OP? She obviously needs some kind of help, and I sincerely hope she gets it. Soon. For the OP's sake and the sake of their child.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Theoretically, but in practice it isn't. And GENERALLY SPEAKING, it's far less likely that a woman will hurt a man than vice versa.
> 
> As for the OP? She obviously needs some kind of help, and I sincerely hope she gets it. Soon. For the OP's sake and the sake of their child.


Lol it isn't theoretical at all. I have arrested both men and women for domestic assault. No where was it considered how like one was able to damage the other. Only what actually happend in violating the law.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

OP's wife was punching him in the leg, doesn't take much adjustment to throw a punch into the testicles. He'd be hard pressed to hang onto baby when taking a shot like that.

As for the C word, my wife actually likes it when I tell her she has a beautiful C when we are gettin busy. I always thought women hated it until she let me know that.


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