# Advice Needed on Next Steps - Dissolution of Marriage



## Seeker40 (Jun 22, 2015)

I currently reside in Ohio and believe that sometime between the end of this week and mid-July my wife and I will agree to do a Dissolution of Marriage. I'm gathering information and getting everything ready but face some obstacles that I'm not sure how to get around.

Some basics:

Mortgage is underwater (2nd mortgage also involved)
Neither of us can pay for the mortgage on our own without a severe financial struggle
House requires extensive repairs
Very little money saved to do the repairs
Not able to get a loan based on equity due to 2nd mortgage and the primary mortgage being underwater
Credit card available to cover repair costs, but it's an additional debt that still needs to be paid

I plan on seeing a local attorney for drafting the separation agreement (different from a legal separation) which is a prerequisite for obtaining a dissolution. The agreement plans out everything from division of property, how the child will be cared for, spousal support, etc. 

I'm not sure how to handle the house. As much as I want to move forward as quickly as possible, it's a big obstacle. Ideally we'd sell the house and split the debt but it's not in any condition to be sold right now. Investing the money and time to get the house ready to sell means remaining living with each other, potentially for a year or longer. We could do it, but I image the stress and strain would wear on us. Alternative of doing the repairs on credit, then having the debt from the house being underwater and the debt from the credit card reducing our overall financial ability to live separately.

I don't believe we can file for dissolution until we have a very clear plan on dealing with the property. An alternative would be to file for Divorce and have the court order a short sell, but the legal costs are much higher than doing a dissolution, and this would become a much larger financial hit.

Ideas or advice? Are others in similar situations and what did they do, how did it work out, and what would they do differently?

Thanks,
S40


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Yep, if are going to do a dissolution, you need to be fully in agreement on division of debts and property. What is your wife's view on the topic?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sucks feeling trapped, huh? 

I think you are both stuck at the moment unless you want to stop making payments, move out and let the home go into foreclosure which will ruin your credit.

I would suggest each of you having your own bedroom in the house with none of your personal belongings in each other's. Give each other plenty of room until you can come to a point of being able to live together long enough to at least break even on your home. Doesn't sound fun but you both did sign up for it when you purchased your home and it doesn't sound like you have any other options.

We are in a near similar situation. Although there is some equity in our home, it is not enough for me to comfortably move on and have any substantial savings to take with me. While the real estate agent was coming and going, it was a big wake up call for my husband who finally started taking me seriously. We have a ways to go but he is making very good progress...even to the point of moving back into our bedroom now. I question if his changes will be long term but only time will tell. In the meantime, we are adding to the equity of our home.

I absolutely understand how you feel. Take one day at a time (and one achievable repair at a time) and concentrate on yourself and making the home attractive to a future buyer. Good luck.


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## Seeker40 (Jun 22, 2015)

EVG39 said:


> Yep, if are going to do a dissolution, you need to be fully in agreement on division of debts and property. What is your wife's view on the topic?


Wife's view: "You figure it out." 

Not really that simple, but that's what it comes down to. If we end up having to stay together until we can break even on the property, we can make it work. Just not ideal for either of us.


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## Seeker40 (Jun 22, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> it was a big wake up call for my husband


Ah, I hope so much for something like that to happen for my wife. 

Thanks for your comments, they make a lot of sense.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Ever thought about sitting down with a mediator to work through the division? Probably run you about $600 ($300 each) for a three hour session but you guys would probably walk out of there with an agreement. Things probably aren't going to get any better if you don't move forward.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

So...tell her you have it figured out. Here's your space, here's my space. Start vocalizing your future goals for yourself. Come across as if the decision has been made and you are focusing solely on that. Spend that $600 on a necessary repair to get the house ready for market. Keep conversations upbeat and focused on moving forward even if you can't do it at the moment. 

Do your own thing (God help me...even if it's gaming). Let her see your acceptance of divorce when it can be achieved. And until you know different, accept it yourself. 

This is what it took for my situation to turn around. I am still firmly accepting the fact that if we loop back around to the same old crap, I'm out & hopefully will be able to afford to do so. H has said if this happens, he will completely move to another room and we will peacefully cohabitate until we can sell & I am holding him to that. 

It really is a matter of acceptance within your own self.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

A good point brought up. Are you positive you are under water on the home? It doesn't cost anything to consult a realtor.


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## Seeker40 (Jun 22, 2015)

We had an auditor reassess the value a couple years ago - we were under by about $80k and houses in our area were selling at similar reduced rates around us. Things may have changed though. Once the decision is made I'll contact an agent and get another opinion, as well as a priority of what to fix first.

Right now I'm waiting on my wife to make a decision to participate in the marriage. The way things have been going, I fully expect that she's going to agree to a dissolution, most likely at the end of this week but if not then by mid-July. My plan was to have an agreement drawn up with the MC as a mediator on how we're going to live together until we can file the separation agreement and dissolution. 

At this point, the betrayal I feel at her having affairs is so deep that without a commitment from her, I'll move forward with a divorce no matter how financially devastating it is. If she can commit, then I'll work on forgiveness. If she decides that ending it is best, then we'll go the route of dissolution. We've talked about this, I'm just giving the MC the time he said he needed.


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