# need divorce .. but what about kids??!



## leona (Dec 16, 2009)

Well .. I was engaged when i was 15 years .. married at 16 because I was pregnant .. got my second child when i was 20 .. and now I am 22 .. and my husband is 28 .. I have changed from being a little 15 years old wild teenager .. now i am 22 and i am doing pre medicine as my major .. I rezlied bigger dreams inside me .. I realized that me and him are totally the opposite .. he hates books .. i love books .. he don't like to go outdoors .. i love outdoors .. he is very introvert .. i love people and very social .. He verbally abuses me .. "I swear I will divorce you" "you look like a donkey with ears to me" "stupid" and lots of "Arabic" cursing words that I can't translate! 


He hit me twice .. once on my face with a basket and the second time he pulled my hair .. infront of my kids .. he don't respect me .. he tell me clearley that he hates me and he regret our marriage .. he tell me that because we were too young and i got pregnant with his daughter .. that's the only reason he married me .. He hit my daughter more than six times .. i know that he hates her .. and he hit my son .. more than 4 times .. he screams at my daughter and my son .. 

I feel drained emotionally .. I used to love him .. but now afer 6 years in this relationship .. i am done!! i can't take it anymore .. I need love .... and I deserve love ... 


Anyways .. I have fell in love with a doctor who I do a researh with ... he is 35 .. we feel very connected to each others .. since we are interested in the same field .. He said that he loves me an he is ready to marry me .. I want to get divorce .. and I want to marry him .. but wil my kids be happy? will my kids miss their dad? will they suffer ?? I want them to be happy .. 

where my kids will be happier? living in a home where mom and dad always fight and dad don't respect their mom and abuse her verbally and physically infront of them? or will they be happier living in a home with their mom .. where no one will hit them .. no one will yell at them .. but with dad on weekends? 

Where my kids will be happier?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Kids should not grow up in a house where they see violence modeled on a regular basis. Boys and girls should not learn that men hurt women, or they will grow up to be men who hurt women and women who accept it when they are hit.

You shouldn't swap your husband for this other guy too quickly, though. You're in this mess now because you married in haste the first time. You'll need to move out, or your husband will, and you should make it legal and official. When you are at least formally separated, then you can date the doctor, openly and honestly. He can't stay overnight at your house when the kids are there. After you date, openly and honestly for at least a year, you can start pre-marriage counseling. Do not get married until the counseling is finished.

Then live together for at least a year before you officially tie the knot. Do not make the mistake of marrying in haste twice.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your husband may have committed statutory rape by having a sexual relationship with you when you were so young. You were a child and he took advantage of you. I'd talk to a professional (therapist and/or lawyer) about what to do about this marriage. I cannot imagine "working on" a marriage with a man who basically raped me (it seems likely you were too young to give consent).

As for the new guy--please, stop. Stop now. The last thing you or your kids need right now is another man. Furthermore, this 35 y.o. is also taking advantage of your youth and lack of life experience. Men that age should know better, esp. if he is a doctor!! There is so much wrong with what you two are doing that I don't know where to begin--but the bottom line is, YOU NEED TIME TO DISCOVER YOURSELF. You've been a wife and mom and never just "you." Take time--lots of time--to work on your self esteem and find out why you want to go from man-to-man. You will probably resent me saying that, but it is so hard to see while you are in that situation. 

Your kids need you to stop depending on male approval/support; they are going to need all your attention during and after the divorce. You will need the help of a good therapist to figure out what your kids need to know about their dad's behavior to you when you were a teen (they'll figure it out eventually, that he and you had sex when he was 22+ and you were still 15ish), and especially they'll need help processing the violence they witnessed in the marriage. 

You are, truthfully, in a good position to "reset" your life, but you need to do this alone, not with another man in the wings. I strongly urge you to cut all ties to the new guy, get the divorce, and spend several years as a single mom, maturing and helping your kids. If the thought of being alone makes you panic, you need to face it even more--fear of being alone or "unloved" is a terrible reason to get involved with, let alone married to, another guy. It sounds like you are smart enough to accept that intelligence is not the same as maturity, and while you have intelligence, you are lacking in maturity. I hope you will give this some serious thought. Your kids will be SO much better down the road if you take the advice not to go from man to man seriously. Let go of this guy, give yourself time to grow up some more, help your kids, and go back to dating, etc., several years down the road. It will be the best thing you ever did for yourself and, more importantly, your kids. Best of luck.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

It is sad to see anyone suffer from physical abuse for whatever reason. Children should not see it, let alone be subjected to it themselves.

Leona, without being presumptuous, from what you've written, your husband has made marriage unlivable. Violence immediately stifles relationships and brings fear into the family, driving out love.

But I would agree with sisters, do not pursue another relationship whilst you are still married - not only for your sake, but for the sake of your children. Work on what you have first - seek some sort of solution in your marriage, then move forward one step at a time.


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Take time--lots of time--to work on your self esteem and find out why you want to go from man-to-man. You will probably resent me saying that, but it is so hard to see while you are in that situation.


Divorce is a devastating emotional calamity to children, particularly children that young. However, at this point you just have to accept that both you and your children are going to endure wounds that will require long healing before getting out of this mess.

As much as I hate saying this, assuming your statement was a true and complete representation of the situation, your children are better off if you divorce your husband.

Oh, and please, forget the idea of getting "saved" by the next father figure. You need to be with a husband, not a father, and any relationship that begins with the wife getting rescued from one messy swamp has every reason to slip right into a second messy swamp. Every time you take the easy way out, you will further injure your children. You may have been an innocent victim when you were 15, but that is not the case any more. You are an adult now, your children are innocent, and you must mature quickly and stop putting them through this kind of life.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the last poster.

Have some single time before you jump. Get out of your abusive relationship but don't hope from one man to another. 

Protect your kids at all costs.


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