# EA or PA,when did you start feeling better?



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

After a EA or a PA,when did you start knowing it was going to be alright? BS spouses or WS spouses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'll let you know


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I could have worded this better,when did you feel confident thing were going to work out? Very sorry to hear that Almost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll let you know


^^^^ This.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

calvin said:


> I could have worded this better,when did you feel confident thing were going to work out? Very sorry to hear that Almost.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Going on a year and a half and there are times I wonder if it can be done. Confidence? I'm starting to think that there will always be some doubt. If I'm going to do this it will be a lifelong work in progress.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll let you know



I've been upset and crying most the day. 

You actually got a giggle out of me with this... thank you!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I knew I was going to make it after a year. I knew we were going to make it when my wife told my best friend, a former deputy sheriff, that if she ever did anything to hurt me again he was to blow her stupid brains all over the living room wall. He laughed until he saw she was tearing up. She wasn't kidding. That was about three years after D-Day.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Glade you got a giggle,thats rare stuff when you go through some tough [email protected]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

About a year into our 2nd reconciliation I stopped feeling the need to check up, felt comfortable in the house, felt connected to her and the kids, and like things were back to normal. (We'd had two long separations and a failed R). I'm two years in now, and mostly I feel good. Occasional issues, but most days are good ones.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

PS: I think the length you stay in the hyper vigilant state, has to do with the actions of the wayward spouse. If he/she is doing all the right things, the constant checking/insecurity/fear/anger starts to pass in probably 6-12 months. If they aren't active in recovery, it can go indefinitely.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Beowulf,wow,thats....wild, guess she really had a lot of remorse..hope you guys are doing good.
Anybody have it happen sooner?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

calvin said:


> Beowulf,wow,thats....wild, guess she really had a lot of remorse..hope you guys are doing good.
> Anybody have it happen sooner?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah she was definitely remorseful all through R but that's when I really knew it was going to stick.

BTW, in regards to being hyper vigilant. My wife and I still check on each other. Its not done with the expectation of finding anything but we've done it so long that its become habitual. Actually my wife asked me to never stop checking up on her and I guess I never have. I don't see it as babysitting or invasion of privacy. Its more of a way for us to "see" each other even when we haven't overtly communicated something. For instance, I noticed in her browser history that my wife was online looking at something. I saw she looked at it and similar items more than a few times. I reasoned that it was something she wanted so next time I bought her a gift that's what I got. She was not only surprised and completely blown away. She thought it was too expensive so she had never mentioned it to me but I got it anyway.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

After she cheated the first time it took five years. After that life was pretty good. I just didn't know I would be going through it again thirteen years later. 

There's a sucker born every day.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> After she cheated the first time it took five years. After that life was pretty good. I just didn't know I would be going through it again thirteen years later.
> 
> There's a sucker born every day.


The sucker was your stbxw for not appreciating the priceless gift of reconciliation that you gave to her. From this point on, the only men who will be after her are users and abusers. She will rue the day she betrayed you, count on it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

After knowing her EA, I knew it would be tough. Was very upset, angry, burning, lost sleep, lost 10 kgs, could not focus on anything and sometimes crying...Felt badly used up.

It was about 15 months ago. I started getting to terms with A. Am better than what it was 15 months ago. But, the demon of anger, pain..... I dont know when they will go. Mmmmm.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

calvin said:


> I could have worded this better,when did you feel confident thing were going to work out? Very sorry to hear that Almost.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


okay so I was a touch sarcastic there

felt good in the 3-6 month/hysterical bonding stage

mix of paranoia and hope in the 6-12 month stage


realistic perspective started to creep in during the 12-18 months stage and felt like we would make it but at the same time I started to experience some strange feelings as well


"normalcy" finally sank around the 18 month period but that said, I am never turning a blind eye to things and will always have that seed of doubt


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

2 and 1/2 years out from DD... better? without question, the level of pain during the first months was hideous. Do I still think about it? Every day.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah, I think about it, too. Sometimes wondering how much I need to text him when we're apart since he claims he didn't know how I felt about him as his reason for his EA.

I get pissed off when I think about how he had even said that he didn't find her phsyically attractive and found her personality "mercurial" (his word). and yet he still wanted to be friends with her.

I try to sort out my feelings here. He's done everything right since we've talked about it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It literally years the first time, I forgot how many. This time? Only now I'm just STARTING to feel better, this is going to take a few years also.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

RWB said:


> 2 and 1/2 years out from DD... better? without question, the level of pain during the first months was hideous. Do I still think about it? Every day.


D-day Nov. 29th, 2011.
Giving R a good shot.

Hideous is so true. I was an idiot last weekend as I triggered in a traffic jam on my way home, turned around and stayed in my apartment and had a pity party all weekend. It did nothing for me and nothing for her. Then this weekend my WS and I were planning on buying antiques for our business and going out for a getaway on Saturday. Friday my boss told me to leave work early. I was so excited and so was my WS. Went out to my truck and there was a flat tire. My spare was no good as that week I had a flat and did not have time to replace it. Ended up having the truck towed and getting home late. As I was waiting for the truck to get two new tires I called my WS and the phone answered and she did not know it. I tried to get her attention but gave up and listen to her and my son talk for about 1/2 hour. I triggered. On D-day I called my WS several times (as my son and I were tracking her via GPS) and after I confronted her she hung up on me and I called back and the phone answered without her knowing it and I could hear my WS and the OM talking as she was speeding to get the OM to his house and her butt home. 

So I started off this past Friday with car issues and a trigger from the phone. I tried to stuff it. We had a decent late Friday night. Saturday we go out and buy a bunch of antiques and got some great deals. Then we go out for our get away. We check in and we come down the elevator. There is a huge rack of brochures about local attractions. There on the rack are four spaces filled with brochures of the place the OM worked and where my WS picked him up on several occasions. I again stuffed it. I could not believe it. Everytime I get on or off the elevator I have a constant reminder staring me in the face. I finally told my WS about it on Sunday. That here we are trying to mend things and get this crap out of my mind and it just get thrown back in my face. I can't even go somewhere to relax without being hit with this crap.

I am hoping that it gets better because right now this weekend which should have been good has me triggering big time and I about ready to blow up. I am sitting here at work trying to get my head together and it is so stinkin hard.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Thorburn,sucks.
Its weird,one day I'm extremely confident,the next I'm not sure.Thinking about her EA drives me up the wall,especially when I know OM is a big loser
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Due to a prolonged period of rug sweeping, it took me 6 yrs to admit that I needed the help of a counselor; took another two years to get my own head right. So, about year 8 I started to see land on the horizon.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thorburn,

It does get better as long as your W is doing everything you need to not only rebuild your trust but to make you love her again. You will trigger but you'll begin to find that those episodes are further and further apart. Eventually you'll be surprised when they happen because it will have been so long since the last one that you'll have forgotten. I know in my case I tried to replace the bad memories with the good ones. It's not easy to do. For instance, concentrate on the loving normal conversation your wife and your son were having instead of the painful memory of before. I know its easier said than done but for your own peace of mind you need to try.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

calvin said:


> Sorry to hear that Thorburn,sucks.
> Its weird,one day I'm extremely confident,the next I'm not sure.Thinking about her EA drives me up the wall,especially when I know OM is a big loser
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so correct. My WS's ea in 2010 was rough and she rug swept it. An ea is very difficult to get over. Right now i just want to crawl into a hole and can't. And that is not me. I just can't believe what we become while we work through this crap. I feel like an emotional wuss and again that is not me. I remember when I was in combat there were two times I almost cracked due to stress and a severe loss of sleep. My assistant got help for me as he saw the signs of sleep deprivation. He called a friend of mine who I knew for over 20 years and was a colonel. The colonel came by took me to a movie, dinner and ordered me to sleep. That was all I needed to get my head back on straight. My assistant and the colonel had to do the same thing a few months later. I just wish a few extra hours in the sack would be all we need. But I even dream this crap. Last night all my dreams had to do with my WS's A.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> D-day Nov. 29th, 2011.
> Giving R a good shot.
> 
> I am hoping that it gets better because right now this weekend which should have been good has me triggering big time and I about ready to blow up. I am sitting here at work trying to get my head together and it is so stinkin hard.


I hate to be crude, but what helped the first time around was lots and lots of sweaty sex. Dominate her in bed and it will help you reassert your dominance over the OM in your mind. 

Get a bucketfull of Viagra from the doc if you have to and go to it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I hate to be crude, but what helped the first time around was lots and lots of sweaty sex. Dominate her in bed and it will help you reassert your dominance over the OM in your mind.
> 
> Get a bucketfull of Vigra from the doc if you have to and go to it.


Bandit, you are the man. Funny, how I needed help from the pill from time to time over the last year or so but not all the time. Ever since the A I have not needed it. Go figure.

I have had good weeks and felt like I am on the other side of the severe pain. But something inside me this weekend made me trigger bad and that is something I just can't control. I told my WS this morning as I was in a traffic jam that I don't sit here and think this stuff up. We go out for a fun night at a hotel and wham there are brochures of where the OM works and where she use to pick him up. Or I have to pass the motels where she had sex, etc.

I am really looking forward to when this is a faded memory because right now it is raw.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Oh yes Bandit,I agree,boatloads of hot n heavy sex is jus what the Dr. ordered
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

At about 2-3 months, I had improved some, then it was a roller coaster from month 4-9, severe highs and lows. Then, about month 10 I felt a lot better - at month 11 now. Hopefully I don't crash again but my high feels more permanent this time.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

8 months out from D day of H 's P/A and woke up this morning and tha A was'nt the first thing in my mind like it has been for the last 8 months . Drinking coffee 20 mins later and I could feel my mind start to wonder and I managed to pull back and avoid thinking about it. Quite a sturbbon person by nature - I think I ve got to the point when I ve wasted enough time thinking and dwelling so going to move forward (although I know it s a day at a time job) but this morning has given me hope.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Thorburn, follow your colonel's advice. Keep on working on yourself. It does get better.


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## mrmagoo (Feb 21, 2012)

Probably never because she doesn't love me anymore...... Marriage is dead..... It is catastrophic and I thought would never be like this. Oh how wrong I was....


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