# Contemplating Divorce



## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

Hello,
Lately I’ve been really contemplating divorce and I’m really torn. My husband and I have only been married for a year and a half, but from the very beginning we have had issues with emotional support, setting boundaries with others, and understanding relationship dynamics. Although my husband has made small progress it isn’t enough for me to feel confident that our relationship will stand the test of time. 
As I have been reflecting on our relationship and through my work in my personal therapy, I highly suspect that my husband has Asperger’s (high functioning autism). He has a hard time reading social cues, has social anxiety, has difficulty with empathy, and often has extreme emotional reactions to minor incidents. These symptoms have made it really difficult for me, and often leaves me feeling alone, disappointed, and frustrated.
He is a great man and has loved me unconditionally from the very beginning. Our relationship is good for the most part, but then I think about starting a family and can envision myself being the parent that does most of the work, and not because he doesn’t want to help, but because he wouldn’t know how to help a child with emotions, would avoid all conflict, and would need constant direction from me on what to do. 
I love him so much, but can’t see giving up the expecting for emotional support in a marriage and I also don’t think this is something that he can learn to do. And at the same time, I don’t know that the grass is greener on the other side. Will I ever be with someone that loves me unconditionally the way he does? Wondering if there is anyone out there that has made their marriage to someone with Asperger’s work.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is nothing wrong with loving someone but not having them as a husband. Being a good man doesn’t make him your compatible partner in life. You have it so easy right now... no children and plenty life ahead of you. Don’t spend your life trying to sail into the wind. A fair weather man is out there somewhere.


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I’ve been feeling guilty for not being able to make things work and have been feeling like there’s something wrong with me. 


Mr.Married said:


> There is nothing wrong with loving someone but not having them as a husband. Being a good man doesn’t make him your compatible partner in life. You have it so easy right now... no children and plenty life ahead of you. Don’t spend your life trying to sail into the wind. A fair weather man is out there somewhere.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Yes it will be hard, yes it will hurt. That doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to do. Remember... you are also setting him free to find a woman that will love him as he his.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

By the way... there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Actually I would say your smarter than most as you have this figured out very early. That helps out both of you greatly.


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

Yea it isn’t fair to him either. I think he is often left feeling like he isn’t enough because he can’t provide me the emotional support I’m looking for. And I hate that because there isn’t anything wrong with him. I do believe that there is someone out there that can take things at face value and be very compatible.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You understand what you want. You would be surprised how long it takes some people to figure that out. Understanding what you want out of life will steer you clear. Make it as easy as you can for both of you ... he will be hurt. Just try damage control as best you can. You might even be a little surprised how fast he moves on if he is surface like you say. Your doing the right thing


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

Thank you for the reassurance!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you’re not happy now you shouldn’t expect to be happy as time moves forward.

did you notice these issues while you dated?


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

I knew he had difficulty with emotions but he was always willing to try to learn to communicate feelings and try to be empathetic, but after almost 5 years of being together he has made little progress. Which is why I suspect Asperger’s and know he isn’t disregarding my feelings on purpose, but is just simply wired differently.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If there is a thorough understanding and empathy for your concerns perhaps there are add-ons to the relationship that will help.

Like if additional resources for you and he like live-in caretaker, maid, house cleaning time to time, something that eases the unintentional stress in having a family and home life.

And keeps the focus on the positive parts of the relationship, accommodating the known challenges. 

Not "settling" or giving in to him, but letting you both be the best you can be.

Because it sounds like he's a good person and you're a good person, thinking of each other here.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Personally, I think you should encourage your husband to see a doctor and get diagnosed before you make any decisions. Maybe he is on the spectrum, maybe he's not and it's something else. Has he tried any therapies like CBT? That can help with emotional regulation and social anxiety. There are also therapies to learn social skills, which could help improve things a bit more. 

I've never read it, but I've seen this book recommended a lot.


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

bobert said:


> Personally, I think you should encourage your husband to see a doctor and get diagnosed before you make any decisions. Maybe he is on the spectrum, maybe he's not and it's something else. Has he tried any therapies like CBT? That can help with emotional regulation and social anxiety. There are also therapies to learn social skills, which could help improve things a bit more.
> 
> I've never read it, but I've seen this book recommended a lot.


Thank you, I will look into it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Mind sharing how old you are?

The most valuable thing in your life is your time. There are no do-overs where you get to have the time back and try again a different way. Time spent feeling alone is time you never get back.

Spending five more years easily leads to 10, 15, or 20... It literally is a loss of life, your life, to stay in an unhappy marriage, closed off to other life-filled possibilities.

It sucks there is guilt that wants to be felt, but if you can see that your life and happiness is just as important as anyone’s ever has been, then maybe you can lead yourself through other ways to deal with what binds you besides surrender by standing still.

Back to your original question, I don’t know how these folks have fared in the years since their Asperger’s epiphany, but their story and his book might interest you: 









'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's


David Finch was 30-years-old when he discovered that he was on the autism spectrum. In Journal of Best Practices, he describes how he learned to manage the disorder — and become a better husband and father in the process.




www.npr.org


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

I’m 30 and my husband is 35. Starting a family is something we both want in the near future, but I have held back due to having a rough first year of marriage. Thank you for the resource.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Something to consider, that I had not.... Having kids can add much stress to a marriage. Before, each partner may the capacity to meet the other’s needs to some degree, sometimes bending in ways to make it work. Add an newborn to the mix, and sometimes there isn’t enough energy and strength to pull that off any more. Sometimes without kids it’s possible to just suck it up and accept certain behaviors from the other. And then, when it’s not just you being impacted by the behaviors, but your defenseless growing children too, then tolerating the behaviors is no longer possible — and not every partner is going to be able to adjust.

My experience is not dealing with spectrum issues. Just that before kids, our marriage managed to work with all its dysfunction. But, having kids (and post-partum depression) almost instantly challenged the viability of our marriage, and we never recovered.

You are wise to be concerned about the dysfunction in your marriage before adding kids.

Btw, I’m about 25 years further down my road than you. I didn’t take that detour back then, you are considering now. I really wish I had. Not that that is especially relevant. Just saying I have my biases here, and I’ve been a slow learner


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

The thought of having children with him concerns me the most. Due to his inability to support me, I know that I would be alone in raising our children. Despite the guilt I feel for not being able to make this marriage work and being the type of woman that can manage Asperger’s like symptoms, I know moving on is the best for the both of us.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I can’t recall where kids fixed a marriage but I sure can remember a bunch of stories where it ruined one. Don’t do it. I love my wife and my children. I’ve never had problems with any of them. Even with my ideal situation I can tell you that kids add stress to a marriage. They make issues more pronounced.... not repair them.


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## JS2 (Jul 10, 2020)

I agree.


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