# Lost my passion



## Loray (Oct 28, 2009)

Hi, new here to the forums. I am looking for some advice.

I am a 31 year old woman. I have 4 children and have been married for 12 years. My husband and I have had a marriage that has had a lot of ups and downs. We have had some very good and very bad times.

About 4 years ago I began to notice that the way I felt about him was changing. Physically that is, the passion was diminishing. This was about the time I got pregnant with my 4th or just a little bit before. Also during this time we began going through a very hard financial time that we are just starting to come out of.

This feeling continued to go away. On a rare occasion I will have a little in the tank but not very often. This makes it difficult for me to have sex with him. 

I never talked about this to him because I never wanted to hurt him.

Recently I went outside of our marriage after this and got caught. I never did much physically but I had a lot of emotions for this guy. The whole thing lasted about 3 weeks. 

I love my husband more than anybody in the whole world. He is my best friend. He is everything that I want to be but I still do not feel anything for him. My husband keeps himself in very good shape, he is an attractive man.

We began counseling with a psychologist a couple weeks ago.

In my marriage I feel a prisoner. I have never done anything with my life. I dont even have a GED. I know I am talented and feel my potential slipping away. We had our kids back to back and he always told me that he thought it better for me to stay home with the kids rather than for me to work. I love my kids but being an at home mom is never something that I enjoyed.

My husband has forgiven me but is very insecure now. He is suffocating at times asking me questions about me about my feelings that I dont even know. We separated last week for a few days and it felt great. I saw that I am capable to take care of myself without him.

He wants to try and work out our marriage. He is committed to helping me with the kids so I can go to GED classes. He helped me with a resume so that I can look for a job. He says that he will support me become more independent. 

I really dont know what I want to do. Part of me just wants to move on and have my own life. I want to meet people, I want to become somebody and be myself. I married at 19 and I missed a big part of my life. Everyone tells me that I will never find another man like my husband, my best friend in the world tells me that I am throwing everything away and that what I am doing is wrong but I just dont know. I also dont know if that feeling for him will ever come back and it is not fair to either of us if it does not. 

Have any of you ever felt this way? I feel so confused right now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think everyone has felt trapped in their lives now and then. Four kids would do it. 

I'd suggest you work on this WITH your husband. You owe it to him, afterall. You say you love him. Sometimes you don't feel love but you need to act in love. He's willing to forgive you and help you become what you want to become so he clearly loves you. Why would you want to give that up?

You need to become happy from within. But you have a good man by your side.

Also, it is unfair of you to feel suffocated by him after you cheated on him. Of course he's going to be insecure. What did you expect? Rather than trust him enough to talk to him you stepped out. You have to make that up to him. Again, you owe it to him. 

You will not know if the feelings will come back if you don't try. And up to this point, you didn't try. You avoided and then you stepped out. How about engaging the man you promised to stay with forever? Give him a chance.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

That's a really difficult situation. I think I know how you feel. But here's the problem... you have 4 kids together. You're right when you say you missed out on a lot. You did. But you cannot go back and retrieve it. You have to "keep it together" for your kids. They did not ask to be born into a family where the parents are emotionally immature.

My mother did the same thing with her life. She had us way too young, felt lost, and we were the ones who suffered. She went through her 20's all over again when she was 50 after divorcing my dad. It was painful to watch.

I would say you have to finish getting your GED, continue seeing the therapist, and keep working on finding out who you are... but you can't do that alone. Do everything possible to stay with your husband (as long as there is no verbal abuse from either one of you) and work on being a good PERSON, a good MOTHER, and eventually the passion may return for you to be a good WIFE. If not, when you feel emotionally stable, you can decide if you really want to leave him. But do not do anything permanent while you're feeling so lost in your life.

Good Luck.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

This will come out harsh but trust me I know what your going through. I went through this and battle it al the time with my wife. We were married young also. She lost herslef in the marriage and forgot to grow into an independant women. Something like what your going through. Your feeling like you missed something. That lfe is passing by and you didn't get a chance to enjoy it. Facts are your married with kids. the day you said I do you took a responsibility to your husband and it was your CHOICE.. then you had kids with him. Again it was YOUR choice. Now your life is your husband and kids. You need to get back to basics.. Focus on how to improve your life and not what oyu missed or are missing. you can not be 20 again. you can not run from your problems. Divorce isn't an option here. If you lost connecton with your husband it is YOUR responsibility to get it back. If you don't focus on your marriage who do you expect to?? If you pull back one person can not continue it. Marriage is work and you have to snap out of the ME stage and work on making your life better with your family. The fact you haven't told your husband about how you feel is a SERIOUS problem. How can he know how your feeling and what is wrong if you don't say it?? What you thought about not wanting to hurt him is now hurting him worse cause you act like you don't want him everyday. People have to stop being so selfish and look at what they are doing also.. If you want change make the first move to be a better wife. See what happens.


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## Loray (Oct 28, 2009)

It is difficult right now. We are at home together but I still am emotionally attached to this other guy. I think about him constantly. I know that it is nothing and would amount to nothing. I met the guy out dancing and he is just a kid, but I cannot get it out of my mind.

My poor husband continues to show me affection and love. I barely want to even touch him. He keeps wanting to hold me, kiss me and I really dont want any part of it. It is so awkward. 

What I am doing is only hurting him more but I cannot help my emotions. I know that eventually he will not be able to take this anymore. 

My heart is telling me to just get our marriage over with but my head is telling me to keep trying.

Is this something that will change inside of me? I hate feeling like this about him. It is stronger now than ever, but I have been fighting it for 4 years.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

It's probably stronger now becuase you are being blinded by the other guy. Keep in mind that you have to still be a mother to 4 children. Even if you get out of the relationship with your H you will have to help support them. Eventually, you will find that the luster and new-ness with the OM will fade; what then?

My suggestion would be to open up to your H and tell him everything you are feeling. If you want some independance, ask him to help you with that; I don't mean walk out on him, I mean, find something to do for yourself. Get your GED, go to work if you can. It sounds to me like the children are also taking a toll on you - you want more. You can not wish them away; be a good mother but ask your husband to help you find a balance for you to have some alone time, fun time. Ask him to give you some space for a while; let him know you feel like you are suffocating. Try to think about the good things in your life right now and what you have and what you stand to lose. Remember - you leave the marriage you are either going to be lonely when you get older or you are going to get back into another relationship that will put you back in the same state of mind at some point.

You have choices. You can work on being happy where you are given a chance to change things for the better. Go see a counselor; try to pinpoint the source of your unhappiness and don't fool yourself. Face it and see if you can change it no matter what it takes. One thing is for sure though, if you don't have a serious one-on-one talk with your husband about this, it will get worse and eventually end your marriage.


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## Loray (Oct 28, 2009)

Thank you. 

My husband and I have been talking a lot about things. He continues wanting to know what I want and I dont know. He wants to work this out but I dont know if I will ever have any passion for him again. I dont understand why. He is very attractive but I just dont feel it for him. He is very loving to me and loves me very much. I dont think that any other man in the world would have stuck by my side like he has.

Going out with my friends and having guys around, the attention felt really good. I have never done any of this before. It sounds so appealing. 

Am I the only one that goes through this? I am wrong for the feelings I am having.

I know I should just try and work things out but I dont know if I can or if it will. I dont even know if I want it to be worked out again. How to I get myself out of this? I dont want any of this but I am so confused.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

If you were 16 years older you sound like my wife. I am still trying to figure out the problem but she will not tell me. Other than I love you but i am not in love with you. I am starting to think that she feels like she never did anything for herself. She wants to see if she can do it on her own. She will not let me help her with anything. If I come up with a plan for her she changes her plans. It has become a control thing, she wants control of her life. Does this sound like you? Your husband loves you and most likley would do anything for you to be happy. If you start doing little things for him in a loving way your feeling may come back. Doesn't he and your kids deserve at least that? He will be in your life forever anyway because of the kids so why not try. I wish my wife would.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You are not listening to people here you are not wrong but your acting immatur. Sorry but you need to wake up and discover yourself in your marriage and your family. As I said my wife has done this a number of times and if I were you I would start to think about your kids life if not together. You think you have nothing for husband then seprrate. Hopefully he takes you back once you realize your mistake. I feel for your family. Selfish behavior ruins families. Think about how you will handle it when your kids ask you why you are not a family any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

before you start reading what I have to say may sound harsh as well - I so agree with LH 

My H has felt similar things and has left me - he feels he has missed out - as you do - you feel trapped 

I think it is sad for both you and my H that the way you think you will feel 'new' and better is by falling in love with someone else - 

it's not about growing up and trying to work out who you are now it's about pretending that you have a life you don't have....

I am sorry but this argument that you missed out is stupid and I'll tell you why -

we only have one life - how do you know what you missed out on? you can imagine as many other happier more perfect lives as you want - but why not take the time to indulge in thinking about how things may have gone worse for you - you may have fallen in love with someone who mistreated you, you may have never fallen in love...you may have neve had kids - why is it that we only let ourselves imagine a happier past ? it is just nonsense...we only have the life we have - that's it...

and guess what, you _can_ change your feelings for this guy...they are all in your head - escapism etc. if they are all romance start thinking about how romantic it will feel when he has to be a step father to your 4 children - do you think they will love him as much as you do? 

what makes you think you won't feel trapped with him in 12 years? 

You are young - you have got your child bearing out of the way early (yay) you'll never have to wish you had kids ! and now you have a partner who wants to support you to become independent and more satisfied -

paid work, a professional identity those things will give you loads more satidfaction than a sordid affair - (sorry you are married that makes it sordid in my mind) 

please don't look for man to help you escape a man ....
at least try standing on your own two feet first....
sorry for sounding harsh - you do sound like you are honestly trying to work it out and you do sound like you might have depression (confusion is a symptom) and I am not trying to make you feel worse- 
I guess as I see one of the benefits of posting in anoymous on-line land is that you may get advice that your friends may think but not want to say....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The attention from another man felt good...

Why is his attention more valuable to you than the attention your husband shows you?

If attention is what feels good, then why not start there with what you want from your husband? You want attention. You want him to romance you sometimes. You'd like to feel special.

You are really allowing yourself to dwell on a fairy tale because it seems so much more interesting than what you have. But it isn't real. Stop giving it so much play in your mind. It is smoke and mirrors. 

What you have with your husband and your family is real. And no, it doesn't always bring those giddy ridiculous feelings with it. That's life. But there are many longer-term benefits and good feelings that come with doing the right thing. And that's really what we're talking about here.

Your feelings just are. It is what you do with them that matters. And you're giving them entirely too much play.

When you think about this other guy, try to put him out of your mind not as something you shouldn't want and can't have because that will only make you want him more. Try to put him out of your mind because he's an illusion that will only pull you into a trap.


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## Loray (Oct 28, 2009)

I am trying, I am trying hard. 

When I show affection towards my husband, it is more of a job though not something I feel within. 3-4 years ago it was very different. I want those feeling back.

Sex between us is so different. I like sex but it isnt like it was 3-4 years ago. Most the time I do it because I think it is something that I have to do as a wife. Sometimes I get into it, but never into him. I hate myself for this but I dont know how to change my feelings.

I have a very low self esteem. I like very nice things and like I said I have had spending problems in the past. All of this I do I know to try and make myself feel better. I have maxed out credit cards buying clothes and accessories in the past and this has caused us a lot of problems. I also lie a lot. I dont like conflict and I will lie to someone to avoid conflict.

Something I finally admitted last night to my husband, that I have never told anyone is that I was raped when I was 7 years old by my brother. He raped me and then beat me up. I can say this here but I have never been able to tell anyone about this. I am going to start seeing a psychologist about this. I hope that this is what is affecting my intimacy and my emotions towards my husband. Has anyone ever had this happen? Help me understand myself.

I truly love him but I am not passionate for him. I once was and I want to feel this again. I am so messed up. I am going to try until there is no more hope. I really want to make all of this better.


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