# Life after 61



## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Dear friends,

I can write volumes in tears and blood about my twenty-eight years of marriage to my passive aggressive narcist wife and the mother-who-can't-love of my three kids (two girls, now married, and a boy, graduating this year from university.) However I won't.

Having brought the family ship ashore I decided, also strongly encouraged by me kids, to stay away from the harmful relationship and start a new marriage.

I have left her for a few months now, a period of time that restored myself confidence, my true identity as a creative writer and the publication of my first poetry anthology. Not to mention my return to my passion of kickboxing exercises.

In short, I am back to a real happy life once more after an abusive married life.

The problem now is that I am 61 already. Although looking and feeling like 20 years younger I wonder if it would be a good idea to marry again?

Would there be anyone who would actually want to start a life with a man in my age no matter how talented and sophisticated he may be?

I felt I should start talking about this now because despite my great job and busy life I am starting to feel lonely and I don't want to fall into a depression or emptiness.

Insights?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Lose the self pity. You have a right to be happy. I'm older than you, and women hit on me sometimes. (It's the money, not the looks.) There is a dramatic shortage of older men who are available for relationships. Marriage may not be the best idea for a long while, but fun and relationships are. Just don't take unfair advantage of women who make a move on you, if they do.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Why even think about marriage? Date.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Lose the self pity. You have a right to be happy. I'm older than you, and women hit on me sometimes. (It's the money, not the looks.) There is a dramatic shortage of older men who are available for relationships. Marriage may not be the best idea for a long while, but fun and relationships are. Just don't take unfair advantage of women who make a move on you, if they do.


 Thank you Sfort. Trying hard to lose my self-pity. I am just fearful of the possibility of the case known in healthcare as "getting worse before getting better". That is when a patient receives the correct medication and procedures but time is not on his side. 

The idea of marriage Vs dating is due to my religious beliefs. The best scenario for me would be an friendship with the intention or consideration of marriage.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Why even think about marriage? Date.


Dear Torninhalf: in my religion it must be either a platonic relationship, an engagement to be married or marriage so the first step for me towards a new love life should be finding friends who could possibly consider marriage .


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

childofillusion said:


> Dear Torninhalf: in my religion it must be either a platonic relationship, an engagement to be married or marriage so the first step for me towards a new love life should be finding friends who could possibly consider marriage .


Your religion allows dating though...right?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

of course. if you strongly desire to marry again and have healed from the previous marriage. make sure you're not carrying too much baggage from the previous life. find someone of the same faith. or sure. talk to your pastor/priest/rabbi/elder/iman, whatever your faith is. 

i found and married my current wife at 57yo. coming up strong on 8 years happy.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think some people want to be in marriage. I know I do. I think there are more women than men that value marriage. So if you are a man at 61 looking for a woman to be friends with and then marry. I think you will find quite a few happy to pursue this with you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If your religion prohibits extra-marital sex, then you'll have to do without a while. That gives you enough time to possibly know whether the next woman in your life is the right one. If you're going to get married just to get laid, good luck with that.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I agree, lose the self pity before you put yourself out there (women don't like that, nobody does really)
So, you're a talented, sophisticated bachelor? I think you'll be able to find someone and though your religion gives you constraints, a lot of great relationships start out platonic.

Good Luck!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or you could lose both the self pity and religion then find yourself happy, dating, and laid.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Best to learn how to be happy all on your own. That way you don’t make a wrong choice out of desperation or loneliness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have been to your country, once. Saudi Arabia.

The rules there are strict.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Who cares what we think, all that's important is what you want. And now for the first time in many many years you can chose how you want to live life. Don't make a decision one way or the other, see how your single life evolves and go with what makes you happy.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

childofillusion said:


> Dear Torninhalf: in my religion it must be either a platonic relationship, an engagement to be married or marriage so *the first step for me towards a new love life should be finding friends who could possibly consider marriage *.


Sounds like the ideal way to move forward to me! Get out there and make new friends, try new things, keep busy and before you know it, you'll meet that special lady. Do be sure to completely heal from the marriage before getting into something new, not fair for the next lady to pay for the sins of the one who went before her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

childofillusion said:


> Thank you Sfort. Trying hard to lose my self-pity. I am just fearful of the possibility of the case known in healthcare as "getting worse before getting better". That is when a patient receives the correct medication and procedures but time is not on his side.
> 
> The idea of marriage Vs dating is due to my religious beliefs. The best scenario for me would be an friendship with the intention or consideration of marriage.


My aunt married the love of her life aged 60. I married my now lovely husband aged 50. Never give up. 
Lovely to hear that you are not just wanting to casually date but looking for marriage. I was the same after my first marriage ended. I wanted to meet a guy and get to know him with marriage in mind. 
Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Or you could lose both the self pity and religion then find yourself happy, dating, and laid.


Why should he give up his religion? There is more to life than casual sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> If your religion prohibits extra-marital sex, then you'll have to do without a while. That gives you enough time to possibly know whether the next woman in your life is the right one. If you're going to get married just to get laid, good luck with that.


Where did he say that?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Where did he say that?


I said "If", not "Since". It's a supposition or question based on his statement that "The idea of marriage Vs dating is due to my religious beliefs."


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> I said "If", not "Since". It's a supposition or question based on his statement that "The idea of marriage Vs dating is due to my religious beliefs."


I was referring to your statement of him getting married just to get laid.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I was referring to your statement of him getting married just to get laid.


Sorry, I'm not tracking you. I said, "If your religion prohibits extra-marital sex..."and then I said, "If you're going to get married just to get laid..." In some religions, sex before marriage is forbidden. All I was saying is that if he subscribes to such a religion, he's equating getting married with getting laid. If he's okay with sex before marriage, then my comment is inapposite.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> Sorry, I'm not tracking you. I said, "If your religion prohibits extra-marital sex..."and then I said, "If you're going to get married just to get laid..." In some religions, sex before marriage is forbidden. All I was saying is that if he subscribes to such a religion, he's equating getting married with getting laid. If he's okay with sex before marriage, then my comment is inapposite.


OK thanks for the explanation, we are Christians and didnt have sex till we married but we didnt get married just to have sex. Marriage is so much more than that. Thats what I meant.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> OK thanks for the explanation, but we are Christians and didnt have sex till we married but we didnt get married just to have sex. Marriage is so much more than that. Thats what I meant.


We are in violent agreement.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Your religion allows dating though...right?


The concept of dating doesn't exist in my religion. Men and women meet in a social context which the daily life sort of thing. If either party fancies the other then they meet in a family context and discuss a future relationship that is strictly marriage and nothing else.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

jorgegene said:


> of course. if you strongly desire to marry again and have healed from the previous marriage. make sure you're not carrying too much baggage from the previous life. find someone of the same faith. or sure. talk to your pastor/priest/rabbi/elder/iman, whatever your faith is.
> 
> i found and married my current wife at 57yo. coming up strong on 8 years happy.


Thank for your encouraging reply. Actually in this entire affair religion is beside the point except in the name of the relationship. The concept is: one must be socially and economically responsible for the outcomes of one's intimate affairs. This is what I respect and wish to be able follow.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think some people want to be in marriage. I know I do. I think there are more women than men that value marriage. So if you are a man at 61 looking for a woman to be friends with and then marry. I think you will find quite a few happy to pursue this with you.


Thank you Anastasia for the hope you inspire with this reply.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

what would be the purpose of getting married late in life.
if it is just sex and having someone to do things with, you can get all that WITHOUT actually getting married!
It seems like people "over 61" are coming with some baggage. be sure to know exactly what that baggage is!


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> I have been to your country, once. Saudi Arabia.
> 
> The rules there are strict.


I am glad you get the feel of what I am talking about. Lack of a real social life seems to be quite a hurdle here. I am Egyptian though band I am here for work only. So I have a completely liberal set of values except for a few religious basics which I deeply respect.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> what would be the purpose of getting married late in life.
> if it is just sex and having someone to do things with, you can get all that WITHOUT actually getting married!
> It seems like people "over 61" are coming with some baggage. be sure to know exactly what that baggage is!


I understand what you mean. It's very rational. I wish it was possible for me. The idea of marriage is the social and economic responsibility for one's relationships. Otherwise what you say is the easier option.

Regarding the baggage I am well trained to live in the present, resetting my thoughts and feelings to the current moment sometimes a few times a day. It's the only way of that is keeping me creative and happy most of the time.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> If your religion prohibits extra-marital sex, then you'll have to do without a while. That gives you enough time to possibly know whether the next woman in your life is the right one. If you're going to get married just to get laid, good luck with that.


For me marriage would be a last step (a declaration of social and financial responsibility) in a deeper relationship than just sex. There has to be a deeper layer or a foundation that ensures compatibility.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I agree, lose the self pity before you put yourself out there (women don't like that, nobody does really)
> So, you're a talented, sophisticated bachelor? I think you'll be able to find someone and though your religion gives you constraints, a lot of great relationships start out platonic.
> 
> Good Luck!


 FlaviusMaximus: thank you for the advice and the insight.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Or you could lose both the self pity and religion then find yourself happy, dating, and laid.


Haha. Amazing really. Thanks. I have already lost the first without regrets. It took me years to find the latter and I am not considering losing it. Perhaps there would be a compromise somehow, sometime, somewhere.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Cooper said:


> see how your single life evolves and go with what makes you happy.


Great one thanks. Eventually single life is kind of paradise so far but without the sweetest part!


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Best to learn how to be happy all on your own. That way you don’t make a wrong choice out of desperation or loneliness.


A great insight. Within 6 months of separation I am already into my second book and doing amazingly successful at work. But I am not quite used yet to live without a partner.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> My aunt married the love of her life aged 60. I married my now lovely husband aged 50. Never give up.
> Lovely to hear that you are not just wanting to casually date but looking for marriage. I was the same after my first marriage ended. I wanted to meet a guy and get to know him with marriage in mind.
> Good luck.


I would fully benchmark with your experience. Thank you, really!


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Thank you to all the friends who cared enough to respond. I am sorry about the late comeback as I wasn't able to find my post after I first published it and responded to only one reply. I thought a moderator had deleted it for some rule I had broken or something. I was really happy to find all these honest and caring responses from everyone here. 

If you promise to keep this chat alive I may promise to remain single (I don't know if I mean it, but right now I feel it).

I love you all.

Regards


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sfort said:


> If your religion prohibits extra-marital sex, then you'll have to do without a while. That gives you enough time to possibly know whether the next woman in your life is the right one. If you're going to get married just to get laid, good luck with that.


I actually agree with this -- become FRIENDS first and see if you are long-term compatible - this way the sex won't cloud your judgement (or make you miss red flags...)


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I actually agree with this -- become FRIENDS first and see if you are long-term compatible - this way the sex won't cloud your judgement (or make you miss red flags...)


Thank you for your insight. That's currently the plan. I have once ended a novella I wrote a long time ago with the line "there must be a soul in the body that I hold to mine, a soul that I would be striving to touch while we both strive to combine "


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I actually agree with this -- become FRIENDS first and see if you are long-term compatible - this way the sex won't cloud your judgement (or make you miss red flags...)


What happens if OP wants some sex, and or the potential friend does, to have that part as getting to know each other?

It's almost guaranteed this will happen. As a mature male, with a mature woman, if no bsc signs, pretty much should cross that barrier before long term commitments.


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What happens if OP wants some sex, and or the potential friend does, to have that part as getting to know each other?
> 
> It's almost guaranteed this will happen. As a mature male, with a mature woman, if no bsc signs, pretty much should cross that barrier before long term commitments.


The way marriage goes in my faith is much more flexible than in other religions. Either party can include conditions in the marriage document to opt out without court procedures. The conditions may include right to go to work, to travel, not to share marriage home with families, smoking, drug addiction, alcoholism, initially hidden health conditions, or just upon desire to walk out without any declared reason. A woman can ask to have her own self determination for whether or not to continue in the marriage. Of course both parties must agree on these conditions for them to be valid. So, eventually if a friendship develops into a more intimate relationship a "softentened" marriage agreement can be made. The point in calling that a marriage is the responsibility towards each other and towards the children who may come to being as a result especially in a social and financial context.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What religion is that?


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## childofillusion (Apr 1, 2021)

Sfort said:


> What religion is that?


Islam


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What happens if OP wants some sex, and or the potential friend does, to have that part as getting to know each other?
> 
> It's almost guaranteed this will happen. As a mature male, with a mature woman, if no bsc signs, pretty much should cross that barrier before long term commitments.


I was talking in the context of HIS religion that he mentioned. If he wanted to go get laid, no issues, but he's not doing that (and I presume the WOMAN wanting to do that is also frowned on). I find no issue with waiting and becoming friends FIRST before any sort of agreement for a long term commitment.


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