# How to stop or get over jealousy



## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

I have been recently triggered into a fit of jealousy and it's pushing him away. How can I be mindful and let this go? We have been together almost three years have are a blended family. Any advice would be welcome. 


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife and I spent most of our 44 years of marriage in a poly triad with a girlfriend we shared. Plus we did a little wife swapping and soft swinging. I also spent a year with a girlfriend in an open relationship. So I know a little bit about jealousy. First off you need to realize that jealousy is the result of insecurity and fear of loss. Typically a person will worry about their mate finding someone better than them and then losing them to that other person. Jealousy is an ancient powerful emotion. It is still with us because it increases the odds that there will be both a man and woman around to raise their children to an age where they too can pass along their genes, which also contain yours. In ancient times a woman needed a man to protect and provide for her. Jealousy served to keep her man away from other women needing the same things. For men, they did not want to waste their very limited lifespan and resources on raising a child that did not carry their genes. We are all hear because our long line of ancestors engaged in activities which ensured that their genes would make it all the way to us. Nature/evolution favors anything that results in the successful passing on of one's genes throughout the future. Some people have an extra active dose of the jealousy gene in them just like we all have different degrees of all traits that depend on genetics. 

Both myself, my wife and our girlfriend managed to never get jealous about any of us having sex with others or being attracted to them. We are all going to be attracted to others but whether we act on that or not is a mental decision. I have watched my wife have sex with other men and it did not make me jealous. I have a lot of self confidence and know what I bring to the relationship that others cannot. I also do not view myself as half of a couple. I am an individual who can be happy and productive without anyone else in my life. I lost an ex fiancee of 5 years and I just found another one. You cannot let yourself be so depending on someone else for your happiness and reason for living. 

Rather than go into a whole bit on how to try to suppress jealousy, just read this to give you an insight on how to do it:

How to Stop Being Jealous: 9 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Be more specific about these situations in which you are "jealous."

I think there is a big difference between being jealous and having a healthy concern about something.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> Be more specific about these situations in which you are "jealous."
> 
> 
> 
> I think there is a big difference between being jealous and having a healthy concern about something.




Well he used to go strip clubs and we got married in sept and he went again in Vegas and lied about it. Awhile back when he was there a "friend" got ahold of his phone and girl texted pics of her self in a dress. Now I've been snooping and he changed all passcodes etc. it's a second marriage for both and I have baggage. He truly has never given me a reason but for some reason my gut told me to check one night and I saw the text then my gut told me in vegas to check and I found out he was in the back room. We've talked about etc however if I don't control this I know it will push him away and we're going on three weeks of me being insecure and mad so I just need some help and advice. 


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

butterluv369 said:


> Well he used to go strip clubs and we got married in sept and he went again in Vegas and lied about it. Awhile back when he was there a "friend" got ahold of his phone and girl texted pics of her self in a dress. Now I've been snooping and he changed all passcodes etc. it's a second marriage for both and I have baggage. He truly has never given me a reason but for some reason my gut told me to check one night and I saw the text then my gut told me in vegas to check and I found out he was in the back room. We've talked about etc however if I don't control this I know it will push him away and we're going on three weeks of me being insecure and mad so I just need some help and advice.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think you have a healthy concern there.


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think you have a healthy concern there.




I don't know if I do I feel a bit crazy he has apologized we have come up with some ground rules etc it's but we've addressed it but how do I move forward from it?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

butterluv369 said:


> I don't know if I do I feel a bit crazy he has apologized we have come up with some ground rules etc it's but we've addressed it but how do I move forward from it?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What are your ground rules?

Does he have friends that like to go to strip joints. If my husband went to one as part of a bachelor's party, I wouldn't mind in principle. Of course, if he came home a bit wierd, I would have concerns.

How often did he go before you're married? How often do you think he goes now? Does he spend enough money there that it affects the household budget?


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> What are your ground rules?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




No it's the first time in three years that I know of. Defiantly no hiding of money as I full access to accounts. He used to go all the time before me in his last marriage. I'm just feeling super insecure since he went and I'm not this girl. It was idea I just had no idea he would go all night and day and I would feel this way!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

butterluv369 said:


> No it's the first time in three years that I know of. Defiantly no hiding of money as I full access to accounts. He used to go all the time before me in his last marriage. *I'm just feeling super insecure since he went and I'm not this girl.* It was idea I just had no idea he would go all night and day and I would feel this way!!!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is an example of having a healthy concern and not about being jealous. This friendship with the other woman seems fly by night. How would feel if she got pregnant by your husband and then some of your household budget would have to include child support payments to her. 

Also, the two of you should be able to access your cellphones, e-mail accounts, social media accounts and bank accounts. 

How secretive and protective of these things is he?


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is an example of having a healthy concern and not about being jealous. This friendship with the other woman seems fly by night. How would feel if she got pregnant by your husband and then some of your household budget would have to include child support payments to her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Very protective because I went through his phone. He is also in IT gonna be harder to get the passcode I would defiantly not be in a relationship If he got some other girl pregnant. 


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## butterluv369 (Apr 30, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> What are your ground rules?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ground rules no inappropriate texts from women period. And then the obvious sex etc. I don't like the strip clubs because of his past and this is the first time he has gone that I know of since we have been together. He defiantly won't let me access any of his phones tablets etc anymore which really pisses me off. I can ask and he will unlock it but still. He won't let me hold it for any period of time. 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

butterluv369 said:


> I have been recently triggered into a fit of jealousy and it's pushing him away. How can I be mindful and let this go? We have been together almost three years have are a blended family. Any advice would be welcome.


So what you REALLY want to know is, how can you swallow the *latest ***** sandwich from this fool and pretend all the red flags flapping wildly in your face don't exist. Like his overload of porn on his phone and his continued lack of desire for you no matter WHAT you do to try to entice him, or spending time in the 'back rooms' with the stripper in Vegas, or the suspicious picture of a woman he had on his phone, etc. etc. etc.

Why are you so damned eager to live on a diet of **** sandwiches from this guy? What's so terribly wonderful about him that you're so willing to settle for this miscreant?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You do have a right to be concerned and it would be difficult to trust him again even if he gives you these 'ground rules'. My spouse has lied to me about a 'certain thing' and it pisses me of. I'm mad and resentful. I do try to focus my time/energy on myself but I may have to leave because he is not interested in what I have to say. It could be a toxic relationship.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Boys to Men. Some boys never make it.


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