# I'm in a really bad place right now, need some serious guidance



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Hi guys, I'm back. It's been a while since I posted. Here's what happened in a nutshell:

It's been two months since H's infidelity was discovered with a solid evidence. We've been separated, he didn't contact me for a month after that, but certain STD issue came up (I will get to it later), so we've been talking, getting tested, and he's been asking me to work this out and refusing to get divorced. Says he didn't contact me during the first month b/c he was feeling miserable, depressed, and didn't want to live anymore, didn't know how to approach me and etc. Says he has no feelings for the OW, it was just a casual/sex thing, and he didn't contact her after that (this I know b/c the OW told me.) 

Initially I had no plan to exposing him to family and friends, but it sort of happened gradually and unexpectedly. First, I opened up to my sister and a couple of girlfriends, they know he cheated and such, but do not know every single detail. Later, I ran into some married friends during an event, they all know and like him, so start asking how he's doing and etc. I just blurted it out that we've decided to go our separate ways (by then I hadn't heard from him at all), but didn't mention infidelity. Once I told them this, it felt like some huge burden got lifted off, I was relieved that I didn't have to pretend everything was OK anymore. 

After a month of no word from him, I started to worry, so I called his mom. She had no clue about our situation, was understanding and found it disturbing that son was being dishonest. She was thinking about coming for a surprise visit, but seems to have abandoned that idea since. Among other things, she and I discovered that he didn't come clean to her about his lie from 3 yrs ago. He basically told her he was working in another state, which was not true, he's never worked in another state since we've been together. His mom thought she reached him there when his uncle died. Anyway, it was a bad timing and I was emotional, so I couldn't help crying on the phone, now I'm a bit embarrassed about it and sort of regret involving his mom in this. 

I even contacted the OW to see if he was with her. She said no he never talked to her since then, but offered to help find out his whereabouts. I think this was a bad idea too. I think she took it as an invitation to contact him, talk and such. That one time, she said she tried chatting him up online, but he didn't respond. Eventually I found he deleted that email account, my emails returned undeliverable. Tonight he told me the OW works near where we live (I could run into her any day if I wanted to!?) Says she's been trying to chat him up online, so he deleted his email. Saw her in Starbucks two days ago, she asked how are things going and that he can stay with her if need be and etc. She knows I asked him to leave. He says he told her no, he's not going to do that, he's intent on working things out with me. Says she's gotten more into him, but he wanted nothing more than sex. 

So tonight this was the first time he actually opened up about this whole thing and told me what she does, where she works and lives, and how they met and etc. This is after a huge argument about the STD issue: he blamed it on me, I got mad, took out some aggression on him, he was encouraging me to hit him, so I did, but my hand hurt. I've been wanting to slap him hard since discovering the affair, but never felt the anger and hurt before like I did tonight. So I took the opportunity, slapped him once, the result wasn't satisfying, couldn't deliver it good. Anyway it was silly. He says he will never divorce me, asks me to work this out, and we discuss jobs and other opportunities, he opens up about the affair and discussion was going good.... until his mom is brought into it. 

Upon hearing that I discussed his lies with his mom, and I told her he cheated on me... he got really truly upset. Says he lied to her back then because he didn't have the money to go home to his uncle's funeral. Now what her mom and family, his favorite aunt must think of him! Why am I telling all this bad stuff about him to his family and friends? He's not telling other people about me and the STD (this I'm truly confused about and will get into it in more detail later, maybe tomorrow) so why am I doing this? That was his reaction. He asks me not to talk with his mom again, not to answer if she calls, and says he wouldn't know how to face her now. Said he's even tired of living and left. I feel sooo bad right now for involving his mom in our affairs. I pretty much told her that H. was a liar. Did I do something wrong? Should I have approached it differently? I feel terribly guilty, however I didn't ask him to stay because I thought MAYBE just maybe he's experiencing the shame and will recover from it later and that it's natural for him to feel this way and accuse me for outing him to his mom. Am I wrong?


----------



## themarriedwoman (Apr 6, 2010)

hi there, you know when u feel guilty abt the whole thing only one book i can suggest for you to read. take a moment and read this book " The One Minute Apology" by Ken Blanchard. hope u can make things right and better after reading this book. u can download the Ebook here. 

The One Minute Manager ebook Download


----------



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

I'll try to keep this post short , it's about the STD situation. My husband is the only man I've ever been with. I have nothing to lie about here, so that's the fact. I was confident my H. knew this, so didn't think twice about telling him of my test results. 

I had scheduled a visit to my gynecologist in early March, so I told her about H's infidelity and requested to get tested for STDs. She didn't think I have any, but I insisted for a peace of mind. How wrong was I? Instead I'm in hell right now. Two weeks later I get a positive result for syphilis. All others were negative. I was shocked. Syphilis of all things? I go in for a 2nd blood test, discuss it with the gynecologist. I tell her that H. is the only man, we haven't had sex almost 3yrs now, both of us never had symptoms. She asks me if the disease is common in my home country, that people from some Asian countries tend to get tested positive (I'm not wording it correctly here). Yes syphilis was prevalent in my home country in the last century, I said. But what does that have to do with my case? It's ironic that my H. brought this up when he blamed it on me tonight.

Gynecologist refers me to a Dr. in Infectious diseases. 2nd test results were the same. She listened to my story and b/c of H's infidelity issues, decides it's most likely a latent syphilis and orders 3 shots of penicillin. Asked me if H. slept with questionable women - I saw phone calls going out to escort services - but he didn't admit and I don't have the evidence, I said. She said H. was a dog. I said what bad luck must I have? Sleep and marry one man and end up with syphilis? She advised against telling my H. because he may not admit and shift the blame on to me. But after getting my first shot of penicillin which hurts unbearably, I could not bear the pain and humiliation, so I unloaded it on my H.

Fired a fiery email to him blaming him for giving me STD. He calls me right away and comes to talk that night, after a month of silence. We talked all night and Dr. returned my call the next morning when he was still here. I had been reading online about false-positive cases and wanted to know the names of the tests done. She sent me a copy and I went in to discuss it further that week. I showed her records from past medical examination where I was negative on syphilis test at the end of 2006. I requested for additional tests on autoimmune diseases and liver conditions to rule out biological false-positives. She says if these tests reveal nothing, then let's just rest this case. But I want to get to the bottom of this case, you know. Why would I have syphilis if my H. doesn't have it?

H. gave a test and his Dr. called me last week with the results. Says H. is negative, he doesn't have it. I told him the situation and asked for his opinion. Not a single doctor and expert can give me an explanation on this - from what I have heard and read online. Turns out they have different screening tests for syphilis and hospitals have different procedures. My hospital uses EIA test for screening and tests positive results with RPR test. In my case, EIA was reactive/positive, RPR negative, TP-PA was reactive. So they conclude it's a late stage, I must've had it at some point in my life. My H's hospital uses RPR for screening, so he tested negative on that. I asked his Dr. if he can do the other 2, he says, no RPR is sufficient, our hospital does not test further for RPR negatives. Also my 2006 test was RPR and I was negative on that and considered syphilis free.

So my H. talked to his Dr. and was told that he doesn't have it and if your wife has it, then it's on her. Till his results came in, I've been blaming him for giving me syphilis, you know? Now that we have them in hand, he thinks I must've done something. I went to my home country for a short visit at the end of 2007. Now he thinks I slept with someone there, says he read online that syphilis is more common in my country. How ironic. I felt so helpless against his accusation. Really what can I do? He doesn't even understand the fact that we both tested negative on RPR, it's just the two other treponemal tests showing me borderline reactive. I asked him to call my Dr. and hear it from her mouth, but he thinks she will side with me b/c she's a woman. 

Then he asks me to save the marriage. Up to that point, I've been doubting my decision to get a divorce and entertaining the idea of giving him a chance, even after the possibility that I may have contracted syphilis from him. Now after this, after him thinking I slept with someone else, how could I possibly stay in this marriage? I'm afraid he will always dangle this over my head. He even teased me saying... you have the worst luck... you go home and sleep with someone one time and get this stupid disease. I don't even know how to process this.


----------



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Anyone? Please say something one way or another. You can call me a fool or point out what I have done wrong. I would appreciate any feedback, just want a 3rd party perspective on this situation. I can't even confide in my best friend about all this. I hope I'm not bringing up a taboo topic by mentioning the STD situation. 

I don't understand why but I feel like I've done something terrible for telling his mom. I was never a person to air our dirty laundry to anyone, including my family and up to this point I never mentioned a thing about us to anyone. My best friend told me she had often wondered why I never discussed any relationship problems with her and whether everything was smooth in our marriage. Now I feel there was no need to tell his mom about us especially if we wanted to work things out. 

H. says all the right things about how sorry he is, how things went wrong in our marriage and how both of us had given up long time ago and I feel him on those points. I too see my part in the deterioration of this marriage. A part of me wants to give it another try. Basically my head tells me no, but my heart says try one more time. However, I don't want to be a fool and stay in a marriage if it's already too late to mend it.

Before he talked to his Dr. and before he learned that I told his mom he cheated, he had proposed a 6 month trial period where we would work on the marriage. He said "you make an evaluation after the trial and if you say no, things are not working and let's quit, then I won't stand in your way, I will not say a word and I will grant you a divorce."

Now with this STD issue, I'm not even sure if that's a possibility. I don't know how to deal with it, how to prove that I did not sleep with anyone else in my life and whether he will get over his anger for letting his mom know about the infidelity.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Don't beat yourself up for the way you've handled things. You are in a difficult spot and since you had not heard from him for a month I can understand how you must have felt the marriage was over and started telling people.

I'm sure he feels horrible that his mom knows, and perhaps he can use that as a barometer going forward when tempted to make poor decisions...what would my mom think if I did this?

The STD issue sounds very odd. Since you tested RPR negative doesn't it worry your husband that he may also have it? 

I don't think it's too late to mend your marriage, but in light of the latest discussion you will need to talk again and see if you are both still willing to work on rebuilding trust and doing the things you need to in order to move forward (him being tested further...he may be afraid to do this and want to trust the current results)


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

You did what you needed to do, and what I think you should have done. Move forward.

I was going to suggest both of you getting tested elsewhere.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I found these two medical notes about syphillus indicating that for sure, more testing is required: 



> Present-day syphilis screening tests, such as the Rapid Plasma Reagin (RPR) and Venereal Disease Research Laboratory (VDRL) tests are cheap and fast but not completely specific, as many other conditions can cause a positive result. These tests are routinely used to screen blood donors. It can be noted that the spirochete that causes syphilis does not survive the conditions used to store blood, and the number of transfusion transmitted cases of syphilis is minuscule; but the test is used to identify donors that might have contracted HIV from high risk sexual activity. The requirement to test for syphilis has been challenged due to the vast improvements in HIV testing. False positives on the rapid tests can be seen in viral infections (Epstein-Barr, hepatitis, varicella, measles), lymphoma, tuberculosis, malaria, Chagas Disease, endocarditis, connective tissue disease, pregnancy, intravenous drug abuse, or contamination. As a result, these two screening tests should always be followed up by a more specific treponemal test. Tests based on monoclonal antibodies and immunofluorescence, including Treponema pallidum hemagglutination assay (TPHA) and Fluorescent Treponemal Antibody Absorption (FTA-ABS) are more specific and more expensive. Unfortunately, false positives can still occur in related treponomal infections such as yaws and pinta. Tests based on enzyme-linked immunosorbent assays are also used to confirm the results of simpler screening tests for syphilis.


and



> Treponematoses are diseases caused by species of the spirochete Treponema. In addition to Syphilis, this group includes:
> 
> * Yaws is a tropical disease found in humid tropical regions in South America, Africa, Asia and Oceania. characterized by an infection of the skin, bones and joints; it is caused by Treponema pallidum subspecies pertenue.
> * Pinta is a human skin disease endemic to Mexico, Central America, and South America. - caused by Treponema pallidum subspecies carateum.
> * Bejel - caused by Treponema pallidum subspecies endemicum. Although the organism that causes bejel is morphologically and serologically indistinguishable from Treponema pallidum pallidum, which causes venereal syphilis, transmission of bejel is not venereal in nature, generally resulting from mouth-to-mouth contact or sharing of domestic utensils, and the courses of the two diseases are somewhat different.


Now don't get me wrong...I'm no doctor or even a PhD  but it sounds to me like you could very well have Yaws, Pinta, or Bejel and that the treatment for them is the same: penicillin. Please note that none of those three diseases is a sexually transmitted STD but rather is caused by the same bacterium. 

Soooooo...before your hubby gets all "high and mighty" I suggest you find out more.


----------



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Thank you guys for responding. It helps to hear from other people and know I'm not going completely wrong about things.



swedish said:


> The STD issue sounds very odd. Since you tested RPR negative doesn't it worry your husband that he may also have it?


I know that's my concern too, but he wasn't in a capacity to understand that last night. He walked in through the door and accused me of having syphilis, so certain that I got it during my travel in 2007. Everything I said to prove my innocence was being twisted to satisfy his rationale, so we got into a yelling match and of course that didn't help. He used my anger against me too. Why am I being so mad and defensive? I must be guilty. At this point, I realized there's no talking sense into his head, so I pulled out my divorce papers and asked him to sign. 

Again he took this as a sign of my guilt - why present the papers now, not before - I must've prepared them after learning of his clean results, realizing I was in the wrong. He thinks this action shows I'm running away from the problem as usual, taking the easy way out. The truth is I've been researching divorce since separation and had prepared the papers already by the time he finally contacted me. Because he was saying all the right things and seemed to have realized his mistake, I've been putting it off, doubting myself. I mentioned it before, but never showed him the forms till yesterday.

It didn't help at all that his Dr said my H. was completely clean, nothing to worry about and if I have it, then I must be questioned. I understand why Drs would say that, mine said essentially the same thing, but I talked with his Dr first and had expressed my concern, so he knew our situation. I told him that I've been puzzled as I haven't been with anyone else and if he could request more tests on my H. He said it was unnecessary, the hospital doesn't do further testing. I'm going to see my Dr this Thursday and ask her to contact H.'s Dr and get things rolling if she can. At this point, I think H. is so entrenched with his belief, wants to blame me and would not hear it from anyone unless it's coming from his own Dr. 



losinglove said:


> I was going to suggest both of you getting tested elsewhere.


I thought about that too. If and when he comes to talk next time, I will mention this possibility. If he doesn't, I will email him and appeal to his rational mind, if he has any left.


----------



## anon2010 (Jan 29, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Now don't get me wrong...I'm no doctor or even a PhD  but it sounds to me like you could very well have Yaws, Pinta, or Bejel and that the treatment for them is the same: penicillin. Please note that none of those three diseases is a sexually transmitted STD but rather is caused by the same bacterium.
> 
> Soooooo...before your hubby gets all "high and mighty" I suggest you find out more.


Yes, I've been reading a lot online. I mentioned pinta and yawn, but the Dr in Infectious diseases examined my body and didn't think I had any. I'm negative on RPR, non-treponemal test, so lupus and other conditions are ruled out. On my last visit I showed her an article where a woman was tested positive for syphilis, husband was negative, they had no questionable sexual history, and after more testing, the woman was found with a liver condition which caused anti-bodies in her blood. 

The article listed tests done on her, so I requested similar tests. I also mentioned having hepatitis A as a child. So she ordered tests for auto-immune diseases and hepatitis B. The other day I got a letter from her saying my auto-immune tests were negative (didn't mention hepatitis), but that doesn't mean my results could be false-positive. I showed the letter to H. last night, but he insisted it meant nothing. 

I keep pushing this issue with my Dr, but was discouraged when she said last time that if these tests do not reveal other conditions, then let's just move on, the treatment is given, so there's nothing to worry. We'll see how it goes with her on Thursday.


----------



## Anon999999 (Nov 2, 2011)

One possibility, since it sounds like you have latent syphilis which may have been present for years, is that your husband tested positive for syphilis a while ago, got treated and has since been clean. Consequently, he would continue to test clean and be able to accuse you of infidelity even if he was the reason you have it.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

This thread is well over a year old. OP is long gone.


----------

