# Negotiated Mistress - your thoughts?



## Misha_O (Dec 19, 2010)

I'm new to this forum and a little nervous about posting this but I wanted to hear what other married couples might think of this. It is somewhat unorthodox...

My husband wants to do sexual things that I am just not into. He's says that it's like he feels like he is missing out on experiences because he hasn't tried these things, such as anal sex, 2 girls at once, etc. I have no desire for any of these things and really, our sex life is pretty healthy. But I do think this is causing some issues for him.

We have discussed him having - what we have called - a negotiated mistress. Basically, I have layed down the rules that must be followed by him so that he can have these experiences. Some of the rules include simple things like a condom *must* be worn and never in our home, to more complex things like he is never to take her to dinner or give her gifts (sex toys are the exception with this rule). There are many others, I won't list them all here.

He hasn't done it yet and we actually currently live in a country where adultery is a jailable offence, but it is a real deal on the table - so to speak. It is also open to me, should I choose to take it up, again which I have no desire to do. There is also a time limit on the deal.

For me, as much as I know it will sting when it does actually happen, it is also a relief because I won't feel the pressure to do things that I am not comfortable with and I won't feel like I am letting him down.

I had read an article about it and that is what sparked the idea, so _apparently_ it happens with other couples... The ultimate aim for me I guess, is that one day we have a so-called _normal_ relationship. 

So, I am curious as to what other married couples thoughts are on this? Am I insane to let this happen? Am I risking my marriage or my emotional state? I really don't know how I it will affect me...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've heard before any consented extra-marital affair... you need a strong trust. If you have it and your relationship is strong, it can actually be rather satisfying I've heard. If not it may damage your relationship.

However, if I lived in your country, no I wouldn't even think of such a thing myself, 1 sexual fantasy is not something worth risking a jail sentence over.

Personally I've never got into it though it was once a fantasy that I hope my wife and I could get into (not just with other women but other men too), but since I cheated on her in the past the trust is not there anymore and hence I will never be able to experience it - but that's fine with me, just something nice to fantasize about from time to time, and leave it as that.


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## Misha_O (Dec 19, 2010)

Very good point about the trust thing. I'm afraid that I am a little insecure but, would you believe, it's more about my husband viewing porn. We have had many discussions about this and I have no reason to distrust him and I have also said the minute he feels any emotional connection to some other woman, he must end it... But I've also said that if he falls in love (the Gods forbid) with another woman, it is over - no questions.

I should also clarify that the country we currently live in is most definitely NOT home! My husbands contract is for another 2 and a half years and then we are out of here...

Maybe I am just too naive for this??


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You may not like my advice. But here goes. Letting him get in on the side is a HUGE risk. I think you know this. 

My next advice is going to be based on the assumption that otherwise your marriage is happy and loving.

I am not sure what things he wants that you are not comfortable with. Assuming it is nothing violent or degrading like animals or something, in my opinion you ought to make a journey out of trying to GET comfortable with what he wants.

When DH and I were first married, sex was very vanilla. I did not even really like a variety of positions. I HATE oral with a passion. I was too intimidated for dress up... That has changed. In spades.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit him down and talk to him. I would tell him that *I* want to be the one doing those things with him. It is a journey that will take time. He needs to be 150% trustworthy to build trust that as you go out of your comfort zone, he will treat you with loving care. Tell him you would like to journey TOGETHER to change the comfort zone. But it will be slowly, over time. 

This is an opportunity for personal and relationship growth. Many men feel that they are shown love by their sexual relationship. So it is not like you are just providing a body for some funky kink. By trying to go outside your comfort zone, you are showing how much you love him and how much you are willing to try to meet his needs.

For YOU, it might be a matter of personal growth as well. Learning about yourself and why these things are uncomfortable may be a good thing. You may not have chosen this area of personal growth. But it is open to you.

In MY opinion, trying to expand your comfort zone is going to be WAY easier on you than dealing with your husband getting horizontal with someone else AND having to deal with the fact that she does "more" or that you may feel she is "better".

Just a thought. Best of luck to you!


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

I am all for spicing things up. On so many levels this could cause problems. Call me old fashioned but...NO

Think this is playing with fire. I think there are better ways to spice it up. 

Anal-would you try it? You might like it
3 way-I don't think any man should reasonably expect a wife to do this or want to. If she were bi and it was agreed upon..maybe (even then DANGEROUS) 

My humble opinion.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Very few of these cases have happy endings. Jealousy, potential emotional attachements and many other problems could end up destroying your marriage.

Most men don't have threesomes so he is not 'missing out' on anything, he just wants to do them. Your husband needs to get back in touch with reality and realise that these sort of experiences are simply fantasies and have no place in a married man's life. 

Having said all that you could try anal.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

jamesa said:


> Very few of these cases have happy endings. Jealousy, potential emotional attachements and many other problems could end up destroying your marriage.
> 
> Most men don't have threesomes so he is not 'missing out' on anything, he just wants to do them. Your husband needs to get back in touch with reality and realise that these sort of experiences are simply fantasies and have no place in a married man's life.
> 
> Having said all that you could try anal.


My husband tells me to let you know that even though he does not concur with most of your analysis (except the anal sex line), he vehemently agrees with you.. in his words: "If I can't have it, why should he?" :rofl:


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The whole point of being a mistress is being taken to dinner and lavish gifts though...


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't see anything wrong with it really. You have a certain situation and you are adapting to it in a proactive way. I offered my husband to do this many a time but he never took me up on it. It sounds like your husband and you have a good relationship since you guys can speak about it clearly and make that kind of plan. And if it's only about sex then it is unlikely he will fall in love with the person - unless he is one of those "sex = love" people. If he is, then it is not a good idea.

I think its a good plan otherwise


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Guess I'm just old fashioned, but sex or emotional affairs outside the marriage can't help but decrease intimacy between a married couple and would just seem to be a bad idea. If a guy wants to have sex with two women, I'm not sure why he's married, because, by definition, he's agreed to have sex with only one. In my opnion, his approach to sex is wrong because he's emphasizing his wants and needs instead of focusing on attending to his wife's. Married sex isn't supposed to be a selfish proposition. Logistically, it's going to be tough. Either he changes partners frequently, which enhances the risks of STDs, etc, or he basically has a steady mistress, in which case, he's bound to become emotionally involved. 
My wife isn't the most sexual creature on the planet, but I can't imagine any positive benefit that an extramarital affair could add to my marriage. I can imagine tons of risks.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> hi
> 
> YOU BE THE MISSTRESS!!!!!!!!!


:iagree: He is not looking a new woman, he looking for new sex with the one he is with. You can do this, don't go so far as to destroy your marriage to avoid new sexual experiences with the man you love and trust. That's crazy. Why are you letting some other woman have the fun.

Tell him to drop the threesome business very few man have them, it is a common fantasy but no decent man expects his wife to watch him cheat and to have a homosexual contact with a woman for his entertainment. Men are not entitled to have all of their fantasies fulfilled. That is stupid so don't let him sell you that. If he wants another woman get a divorce then he can bang them 2 by 2.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Misha_O said:


> I'm new to this forum and a little nervous about posting this but I wanted to hear what other married couples might think of this. It is somewhat unorthodox...
> 
> My husband wants to do sexual things that I am just not into. He's says that it's like he feels like he is missing out on experiences because he hasn't tried these things, such as anal sex, 2 girls at once, etc. I have no desire for any of these things and really, our sex life is pretty healthy. But I do think this is causing some issues for him.
> 
> ...


My husband had 3 some experience. 2 girls 1 man. He said it was fun but he won't feel interested in doing it again.

Sometimes, it's just his curiosity. I would advice you ask for 2 men 1 woman as well, just to be fair.

My notion is, anything is fine as long as it's not extreme and as long as it's within the limits.

My husband and me have visited strip clubs and all kind of adult shows. We also saw countless porn together. We also went to adult shop to get toys.

After he has an idea of most sexual things, he isn't curious anymore. 

Now he only wants to focus on me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> He said it was fun but he won't feel interested in doing it again.


Yes this is another reason why I kept getting my proposals for 3somes shot down, she's been there, done that, and I just go "awww, how come I wasn't there? no fair!" heh

She never enjoyed those much however, told me it's better in fantasy then reality, but I'll never know... bah!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Yes this is another reason why I kept getting my proposals for 3somes shot down, she's been there, done that, and I just go "awww, how come I wasn't there? no fair!" heh
> 
> She never enjoyed those much however, told me it's better in fantasy then reality, but I'll never know... bah!


Your wife was once a naughty girl.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh yeah still remember once both of us were doing it in a pool and folks were cheering us on with their beers and whacking off watching us lol, ah the good o' days


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> My husband tells me to let you know that even though he does not concur with most of your analysis (except the anal sex line), he vehemently agrees with you.. in his words: "If I can't have it, why should he?" :rofl:


Exactly. Who says men never grow up?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Bad idea for all the reasons noted. Plus, where are these women that would somehow agree to a purely sexual relationship with a married man that doesn't involve any level of romance? Seriously... prostitutes, and possible other married women - both of which are create huge mess for you. (Especially if you're in a conservative country.)

You may want to give him a reality check on this.


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