# How to sustain physical attraction in LTR



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?

I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


You appear to be saying that you don't believe the catalyst for his loss of interest was physical, yet what disappeared, was his sexual attraction for you? Am I tracking? Or did his sexual interest persist, but he wasn't interested in you as a person?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


Attitude can be huge turn on/off as can being emotionally open/closed. Nagging/complaining is always a turn off.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm not a man, but I can remember back to a previous relationship of almost 3 years. I was very attracted to him and we had a wonderful sex life. Until some not so good personality traits started to show up. His looks, body, attitude in bed did not change. But once I became resentful of his behavior I lost attraction to him. When things are good you stay attracted, when they aren't you don't. 

Ironically, we are friends now, 25 years later. I find him attractive again. He's a very good looking man. But since we're only friends he's not doing all the possessive, demanding stuff he did before so I don't resent him. Ergo...when I look at him I'm not pissed off anymore so no more negative association.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MovingForward said:


> Nagging/complaining is always a turn off.


Being forever contentious can also do it. Both partners have to "meet each other halfway" and compromise in order to maintain attraction.

I want to add the analogy about the woodsman and the sequoia. The sequoia is a gigantic, robust, very strong tree. It takes lots and lots of ax blows without even teetering, but suddenly, unexpectedly, the final blow comes, and it falls.

This is the way with relationships and attraction. And, once it falls, like the sequoia, it is usually "dead" and never grows back. Be careful with yours. Avoid nagging, complaining, bickering, comparing your partner to others' attributes, and wanting your own way at the expense of your partner.

Co-operation, helpfulness, encouragement, and time alone (NO KIDS) with your partner. These are the "glue" that keep attraction going.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


I am not a man. I don't even play one on tv! But in the bad old days, to put it bluntly, I was a *****. I am not saying that was you. But the notion that a guy is good to go anytime anywhere just because you are good looking did not play for my husband. I did not realize I was being a *****! Glad I figured that out.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


I think we men get a bad rap for being "all about looks".

sure, I physically appealing woman is great....but I can tell you that wears off quickly......for me.....I need MORE then looks...…

so if you want to keep a male interested....ok fine you can keep yourself looking great but I don't think it will last. you need to show him you are interested in what he is doing and not be a naggy PITA. That keeps me interested.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> what are some things that kill your attraction for her?



Nagging.



Girl_power said:


> what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner,



Lack of nagging.




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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> Nagging.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL!!!!!!!!!!! :laugh:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I would love to be helpful here, but I probably can't. To me, the answer lies first in marrying the right person. My wife has grown more an more attractive in my eyes over each and every one of the 31 years we've been married. That's just how it is. It was just inherent.... organic. 

Now to be honest, and in the interest of full disclosure, she has done some things to facilitate that. Interestingly, they have nothing to do with maintaining physical appearance. A while ago, she dedicated herself to stabilizing her mood and not attacking me during hormonal or other emotionally driven moments. That wen't a long way. More recently, she is finally trying to overcome her innate very closed and self protective nature.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

BioFury said:


> You appear to be saying that you don't believe the catalyst for his loss of interest was physical, yet what disappeared, was his sexual attraction for you? Am I tracking? Or did his sexual interest persist, but he wasn't interested in you as a person?




I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s in the past and I don’t care to go back there lol. I’m trying to focus on the future and be better.


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## HDC (Nov 8, 2017)

I would say keeping your physical looks up is important. Keep good grooming habits, don’t get to the point you care less about how you look. Excercise is important, staying healthy. But if the emotional connection starts to slip so will attraction. Have you ever met someone and thought they were not very attractive but as you got to know them and found out they were a great person and you had a lot in common they became better looking. I think the better you get along and the closer you stay the easier it is to notice the great attributes instead of focusing on the negatives.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s in the past and I don’t care to go back there lol. I’m trying to focus on the future and be better.


I was trying to better understand the pathology the problem you experienced, so advice could be more suitably tailored to curb it in the future. Hashing out your old wrongs wasn't my intent :smile2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I've been married for over 30 years and am still attracted to my wife. I don't have a good explanation other than my initial attraction was never based mostly on physical attraction but on enjoying being with her.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.





BioFury said:


> You appear to be saying that you don't believe the catalyst for his loss of interest was physical, yet what disappeared, was his sexual attraction for you? Am I tracking? Or did his sexual interest persist, but he wasn't interested in you as a person?





Girl_power said:


> I don’t know and I don’t care. That’s in the past and I don’t care to go back there lol. I’m trying to focus on the future and be better.


You say it's in the past, but it's very much the present that you live. You read something he wrote, "it killed" you, and it's still killing you even though you don't know why he wrote it. It might not have had anything to do with you at all, but you're here looking for somersaults to keep a man because you now fear that you are not enough. Even though you say there were no physical changes in you, you know if there were other changes you made, and therefore were the cause of your husband losing attraction. If you became an awful "B" to him, for example, then you know if you did that or not. Remaining the person your guy fell in love with is essential. There are no magic keys or backward flip flops for you to do.

Stop thinking you are not enough and know that you are. You might never know why he lost attraction, but you shouldn't be thinking it was your fault. If there was anything you did to cause it, you know what that was. If there was nothing you did, then there was and is nothing "better" than yourself that you can be.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I never really lost attraction to a partner until I was done with them. Sometimes not even then. 

But I hear that a lot of guys, and women frankly, do go through this. 

But to try and answer your question, I think the people in the R have to be a good match, on both sides. If that is not there it does not matter. 

Now I am probably older than you, and at this stage I know more about what I will put up with and what I won't. I am very open and honest about all of it. 

1) You have to be attracted to me, you have to be into me. You have to show it. 
2) You have to be affectionate, and this part is the match part above. I have to have an affectionate partner.
3) You have to be able to communicate or at least learn how to communicate and work on communication. 
4) Be open and honest about your feelings, all of them. 
5) Frankly, you kind of need to be good in bed and initiate sex.
6) Most of all, you have to let me know that you love me, in a serious relationship. I have to be loved. I have to be a priority. 

If that sounds like too tough a list, you should know that I deliver on my side of the list in spades...

My GF/Fiancé checks all of the boxes for me and I feel like I check all the boxes for her.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Not living together helps!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

BioFury said:


> I was trying to better understand the pathology the problem you experienced, so advice could be more suitably tailored to curb it in the future. Hashing out your old wrongs wasn't my intent :smile2:




It’s ok. We fought a lot so that’s probably what it was. Either way, it’s not important.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You say it's in the past, but it's very much the present that you live. You read something he wrote, "it killed" you, and it's still killing you even though you don't know why he wrote it. It might not have had anything to do with you at all, but you're here looking for somersaults to keep a man because you now fear that you are not enough. Even though you say there were no physical changes in you, you know if there were other changes you made, and therefore were the cause of your husband losing attraction. If you became an awful "B" to him, for example, then you know if you did that or not. Remaining the person your guy fell in love with is essential. There are no magic keys or backward flip flops for you to do.
> 
> Stop thinking you are not enough and know that you are. You might never know why he lost attraction, but you shouldn't be thinking it was your fault. If there was anything you did to cause it, you know what that was. If there was nothing you did, then there was and is nothing "better" than yourself that you can be.




Thanks for this. I just never want to be in a bad/failing marriage again. And I’m just trying to do the best I can and that’s all I can do. I know men and women are really different, and I like to gain the mans insight to learn how to be a better partner.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Loss of limerence.
Not being the person he was attracted to.
Communication disorders.

That's what I've seen here so far. 
What I can add is Loss of respect on either side.
He doesn't respect you, or you don't respect him.

My story is 20+ years of fairly constant attraction to my wife. Until that attraction eventually cost me more in pain that it was worth in thrills.
The attraction is starting to come back, so is the pain (rejections).


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Thanks for this. I just never want to be in a bad/failing marriage again. And I’m just trying to do the best I can and that’s all I can do. I know men and women are really different, and I like to gain the mans insight to learn how to be a better partner.





Girl_power said:


> It’s ok. We fought a lot so that’s probably what it was. Either way, it’s not important.


I understand wanting to be a better partner, but whatever improving yourself you do has to be for you and not for others. You allowed what he said to destroy you, and your self-esteem is hanging out all over the place. It's really obvious. You're looking to men to help you get and keep a man. You're looking for a facade to wear over your face as if that will make you better able to sustain love. Wanting to be a better partner is admirable, but your premise is misguided because you should want to be a better you whether this next man likes the wonderful person you are or not.

You cannot keep dismissing your past, or history will repeat itself because you keep trying to ignore it. And then, whatever else you try and whoever you try to turn yourself into won't work either because you'll be doing the same things you did before without knowing what to change within yourself for your own sake, not for someone else's sake. Please stop thinking your answers lie in what other people think because they don't.

If you examine your past instead of ignoring it, you will see that what you said about fighting a lot is probably the reason he lost attraction. That was exactly the reason I lost attraction to a guy I dated once. We were together for 2 years, which was my cutoff point anyway. One of my rules in dating was that I wouldn't date a guy for longer than 2 years unless he and I both decided we want to get married. I still loved him but knew I didn't want to be married to him, so it was time for me to make other arrangements and figure out how to break up with him. Our last and final argument was the deciding factor when I realized THAT argument was the exact same identical argument we had the very first time. It meant we never resolved anything. It meant we never had an understanding about anything. And it meant he had no respect or consideration for me and my wishes. I immediately lost all attraction to him. I had thought previously that I would just take my time to break up with him or I would make sure things fizzle out in their natural course (I began to sabotage the relationship), but that argument was so ridiculous to me that it made me totally disgusted with him, so I broke up with him in that very moment.

If you ignore the past, repeating it will come naturally. The way to avoid that is to examine the past and the problems you and he had, consider your contribution to the problems, and make sure you and the next guy don't have those same issues. What you and your ex should have done then was seek counseling to learn communication skills, conflict resolution, how to argue properly and fairly, how to actively listen to each other, and how to be respectful because everyone needs to feel they are respected and know they are being heard. Those are the tools you need to take into the next relationship and any subsequent ones. Couples don't have to wait until there are insurmountable problems to seek counseling. It is advantageous to be proactive, so make it a requirement of the next guy that if you're going to be together, you and he need to participate in couple's counseling within the first six months of the relationship.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

InMyPrime said:


> Nagging.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Basically thats all I have too. Nagging doesn't even work to accomplish anything either. I don't understand why this proven failure of approach is still so widely used. 

I'll add another, bad hygiene. You go out for a morning jog, we good! You dont wash your hair for 3-4 days, fine. Didnt shave your legs for a week, no problem. However, if you don't brush your teeth, and jump in the shower to wash your body with some soap daily, forget it. Yeah, if you're too tired to jump in the shower for 5 minutes, well its not happening for me. I get it if you don't want to take time to wash and blow dry your hair every day, but you better wash your ass at least!


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> It’s ok. We fought a lot so that’s probably what it was. Either way, it’s not important.


I feel like we're speaking different languages for some reason.

Your creating a thread on the subject would suggest it _is_ important. You'd like to avoid the problems experienced in your past, and in order to do that, you need to know what caused them. Hence my questions seeking to further understand what happened.

But it's cool if you'd prefer to not answer. I'm just trying to help :smile2:


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Basically thats all I have too. Nagging doesn't even work to accomplish anything either. I don't understand why this proven failure of approach is still so widely used.
> 
> 
> 
> I'll add another, bad hygiene. You go out for a morning jog, we good! You dont wash your hair for 3-4 days, fine. Didnt shave your legs for a week, no problem. However, if you don't brush your teeth, and jump in the shower to wash your body with some soap daily, forget it. Yeah, if you're too tired to jump in the shower for 5 minutes, well its not happening for me. I get it if you don't want to take time to wash and blow dry your hair every day, but you better wash your ass at least!



Funny, I consider it a turn off when she showers too much. Prefer to have sex straight after a workout/jog. For some reason, she never smells bad and much better than soap. Maybe I can somehow patent a shower gel out of her body scent..


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I never really had an issue with my W nagging me, but when I see other Wives do it to their Husbands I just cringe. That would definitely kill some of my attraction.

In terms of physical appearance, figure there is a whole area between being obsessed with your physical appearance and letting yourself go. Try to find somewhere in between there to stay. Definitely maintain hygiene. 

Otherwise, give your SO feedback that you want / desire him in his language (you probably know this already from my other posts  ).

It would definitely kill my attraction to my W if one day she came home and now had a penis,so don't do that lol


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

InMyPrime said:


> Funny, I consider it a turn off when she showers too much. Prefer to have sex straight after a workout/jog. For some reason, she never smells bad and much better than soap. Maybe I can somehow patent a shower gel out of her body scent..
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I said I was fine after a jog. Its just after 24 hours of doing whatever, you need to take 5 minutes to wash is all I'm saying. Doesn't seem like an odd request to me.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I said I was fine after a jog. Its just after 24 hours of doing whatever, you need to take 5 minutes to wash is all I'm saying. Doesn't seem like an odd request to me.


I didn't mean to imply it was odd! I consider _myself_ odd...
The only other person I know who was like me was Napoleon who wrote to his wife: "home in three days, don't wash!"
I am taller than him though...:scratchhead:


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

InMyPrime said:


> I didn't mean to imply it was odd! I consider _myself_ odd...
> The only other person I know who was like me was Napoleon who wrote to his wife: "home in three days, don't wash!"
> I am taller than him though...:scratchhead:


Nah, you're not odd either. A natural scent triggers chemical responses. I was trying to be gentle with my wording, but I'll just come out and say it. If ya ***** stank, it's a major turn off! That's what I'm getting at. Lol. I don't expect my wife to be turned on by the thought of gargling mayonnaise balls either. I give the fellas a good wash and keep things trimmed down there for her, not for myself. I expect a level of neat, clean, and tidiness down there.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Nah, you're not odd either. A natural scent triggers chemical responses. I was trying to be gentle with my wording, but I'll just come out and say it. If ya ***** stank, it's a major turn off! That's what I'm getting at. Lol. I don't expect my wife to be turned on by the thought of gargling mayonnaise balls either. I give the fellas a good wash and keep things trimmed down there for her, not for myself. I expect a level of neat, clean, and tidiness down there.


Honestly, I like nothing better than my W gets out of the shower, legs all lotioned up. I am not really a fan of the post exercise scent lol. Since I due run hot, I typically take 2 showers a day (one in the morning and one before bed) since i like feeling clean in case any adult activities happen.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?


I'm thinking back to my college days here....

Looking back, I think physical attraction and sexual chemistry should NOT be the foundation of a long term relationship. YES, you do need to have that! But you need to make sure that the relationship is still fun, meaningful, and engaging for all the times when the sexual fuel tank is running on empty.

I remember dating partners I was extremely attracted to in college. After the sex was over, if I didn't like being around that person as a friend it would erode any and all physical beauty into something intolerable. 

Unfortunately when a guy is full of hormones it can be very difficult to differentiate between physical attraction and basic friendship. Thus the old saying, "women, you can't live with them and you can't live without them!" In my opinion that saying represents the yen and yang of being with the most attractive person, but slowly realizing that any friendship is totally incompatible. 

So the key to sustaining attraction in a LTR is making sure to nourish the underlying friendship and have fun together. I also think it is important in the beginning of a physical relationship that you need to sexually exhaust (empty) the hormonal gas tank, switch over to the primary tank fueled by friendship and make sure the relationship still runs and can have fun! If so, you have a keeper! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## dpoohclock (Apr 30, 2019)

Attitude/personality is definitely huge in maintaining attraction long term. 

Looks are usually the catalyst that starts it, but the personality is what keeps it. 

Good communication, listening to AND responding to each other's needs, asking and finding out what the other person likes/dislikes/wants/fantasizes about... 

Attraction generally will wax and wane throughout a relationship, and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it when something changes in the other person. 

If your guy would honestly tell you what turned him off, AND that is something you can adjust/change for the next time, good. But don't expect it, a lot of people struggle to be honest in a relationship, especially at the end. 

One of the things i've come to terms with in relationships and life is that we rarely get to enjoy having "everything settled and tied up into a pretty bow" when it comes to relationships. People vanish, stop talking, lie, ...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lingerie...the kinkier the better.
And do not make him beg for you to wear it...wear it to surprise him


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Why don’t you simple ask him why. You can speculate all over the board but until you have his answer...... you have nothing. 


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

lingerie is a great idea! especially if it is a surprise for the man....


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

I go to the gym and train 5-6 days per week and at 43 am in better shape than most 20 year olds. That said, I would never expect my partner to commit to that type of lifestyle. However, the act of taking care of yourself keeps attraction up. I love when my g/f goes to the gym and it's not bc I want her to look better because she looks amazing but because seeing her put the effort in is the attractive part.

This is also not just physically but mentally as well. If a partner used to read often and study and then switches to being always lazy and watching TV it becomes a major turn off.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Deleted.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


I haven't read the thread at all and just wanted to ad my thoughts.

What leaves me attracted to my wife after 16 years (we're both on our second marriages) is the fact she is the same girl I married 16 years ago. I loved her then and I still do. So what attracts her to me is that she takes fairly good care of herself, refuses to grow old (she is 55), likes to cook, is playful, goes braless for me when I don't expect it (nips poking thru a top turn me on), and is a well rounder person. She likes to try new things- and even though I don't, I find it attractive. She also leaves me to do what I like to do and rarely interferes. She cuddles, we hold hands, she greets me every night.... She cares abut me.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Men what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


+1 on not being a nag or a bit**. I have met many beautiful women over the years that begin to talk and become less attractive as a result. Also being distant or mad for days about something is a huge turn off. If you are mad for days and can not talk about issues and move on, I am off finding things to do so I do not have to be around you.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I have not read all of this thread, so I am kind of shooting from the hip... 

But honestly, communication at a deep level is really the most important thing. 

When I say communication I mean communication where you both can be honest, where you both can be non-defensive, where you are both willing to listen to issues and actually talk about them. 

My Fiancée can be critical, and when I hear it I call her on it. Further, I will not tolerate it. 

So you need to be able to communicate but not be critical. That is just a huge thing. 

However, both of you have to be in a place of trust, love, and a desire to really understand each other. 

Men and woman, can say things and in their minds, what they are saying is not critical. But it is, and it has to be avoided at all costs.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> I have not read all of this thread, so I am kind of shooting from the hip...
> 
> But honestly, communication at a deep level is really the most important thing.
> 
> When I say communication I mean communication where you both can be honest, where you both can be non-defensive, where you are both willing to listen to issues and actually talk about them.


I concur that honest communication is an essential ingredient in a healthy relationship.



> My Fiancée can be critical, and when I hear it I call her on it. Further, I will not tolerate it.


You mention being non-defensive earlier, then follow it up with asserting your intolerance of your fiancée's honesty.

At the end of the day what you suggest as written above is toxic to healthy relationships and anathema to healthy communication. What you do and have is also the opposite of your first statements on communication. If your fiancée can't speak to you critically with honesty. Then she is forced to tip toe around you lest she offend your fragile ego.



> So you need to be able to communicate but not be critical. That is just a huge thing.


Any rational accounting of this statement, suggests that ideal communication for you. Is where your partner communicates that she agrees with you, and ought to hold her tongue when she doesn't.



> However, both of you have to be in a place of trust, love, and a desire to really understand each other.


How can your fiancée be in a place of trust? When you will not tolerate honesty from her, as she is critical of you when it applies.



> Men and woman, can say things and in their minds, what they are saying is not critical. But it is, and it has to be avoided at all costs.


Avoidance of being critical at all costs, tends to come at someones own expense. Time and again conflict avoidance (which in this instance is what you are peddling) is proven to be an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

If someone wants to share healthy relationships. They should afford their partners the safe space to express themselves, honestly and critically without fear of intolerance.

BluesPower if you desire to have a healthy relationship with your fiancée, I encourage you to reconsider your intolerance of honest criticism and want for conflict avoidance.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Personal said:


> You mention being non-defensive earlier, then follow it up with asserting your intolerance of your fiancée's honesty.
> 
> At the end of the day what you suggest as written above is toxic to healthy relationships and anathema to healthy communication. What you do and have is also the opposite of your first statements on communication. If your fiancée can't speak to you critically with honesty. Then she is forced to tip toe around you lest she offend your fragile ego.


Totally disagree. There is a way to say things that are not critical. There is a way to couch things and be honest without sounding critical. 

That is what I try to do, and it is what I expect in a relationship. 

So I think that there is a way to say things and ways to open up discussion that are non critical. 

Just as I think there are ways to say things that sound critical. 

Example, I think a snide comment about whatever, is not the way to bring up issues. I think that can only be considered critical. 

And I think you can open up a discussion in a way that says, I love you, but I am feeling that this thing is a issue for me that I want to discuss with you. 

So no, I really see it differently.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> Lingerie...the kinkier the better.
> And do not make him beg for you to wear it...wear it to surprise him


Yes, if you have not changed physically, INITIATE SEX.
Don't nag.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What makes my wife so attractive?

I would say she is beautiful and very passionate (once she gets going). But I think attraction for those reasons would go away after a period of time. We have been married over 30 years.

I think what makes her desirable over the long haul is the chase! If she was always available I think it might get boring. 

Maybe I am a sucker for punishment, but it is exciting paying our game. Usually I am the initiator. She is difficult to read (even after 30+ years) and so I never know what her response will be. It makes it exciting. I used to get angry when turned down. Time has made this easier. Also, having an empty nest has meant she turns me down less often. I also don't initiate as often. 

And she hardly ever initiates, so when she does, it is awesome. 

We are going away for a couple of nights next week. It is a work trip, but the nights are going to be great. Hotels bring out the best/worst (naughtiest) in her.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Totally disagree. There is a way to say things that are not critical. There is a way to couch things and be honest without sounding critical.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This is interesting to me because in my experience it seems a lot of men are hyper sensitive and think they are being “yelled” at, or that their significant other is being critical when in reality they are just being blunt and honest. 

My dad and boyfriend do this all the time. My dad will be like your mother yelled at me for... x,y,z and my mom has never yelled in her life... she may have gotten upset but she didn’t yell. And the same thing for my boyfriend which is something we laugh about now Bc he said a couple times that I yelled at him which I never raised my voice ever... when I brought it up to him he was like yea your right you have never raised your voice at me now that I think about it. And there are times when he complains about his ex gf about how she yelled at him all the time and I had to stop him and be like did she really yell or was she just upset?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The physical issues (cleanliness, keeping your figure, and so on) you already have said aren't a problem.

Besides those, I agree that attitude is extremely important. In particular, if you have a problem with your man, after you have expressed it and he has apologized if he believes he was in the wrong, DROP IT. Don't keep harping on the same issue after he has already dealt with it, assuming of course that he has done so in an appropriate way.

In addition, some people don't want to talk about difficult issues late at night, or when they have somewhere else they have to be. Let it wait until there is plenty of time available.

Possibly the most important point: don't use sex as a weapon to get compliance with what you want. That is poison to a relationship.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I do think there's a big difference between:

Negative communication 
Positive communication 
Communcation in a way that's purely problem solving and should be as such, no indictments but mutually accepted "well, next time it may be best that...." 

And celebratory discussions, successes should be topics too. Not "look at me/us/you" self centered etc, but at the end of a process or tough slog it's good to take a breather. 

The big kicker for me, is if a talk takes an "everything" negative description and no solutions offered I'll offer one, and at some point just say ok, but be mentally tuned out.

The negativity thing can be a primary gap creator for me. 

I'll fix on my own if needed, one way or another. I kind if realize this may be a communication weakness on my part but a negative approach turns me off pretty quickly. 

Doesn't help the day's closeness factor, if you will.

Who knows.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Turn off: Not being someone who has grace under pressure. Not being able to handle your sh!t if you have a cold, if somebody cuts you off in traffic, if one of the kids spills their cereal on the floor, if a neighbor walks across our lawn, if I don't get ALL the grass clippings off the patio, if I wanna visit my sick mom two hours away. I got engaged to my wife pretty quickly, and her hangups about petty bullsh!t are something I didn't realize, and it's freaking me out more and more (two years married), and causing me to occasionally back away with a beeping sound. Not hot!

Turn on: This might sound dumb, but as the world shifts away from voice communication and relies more on typing, I LOVE my wife's general attention to the written word. She's a serious grammarian but deploys it with the subtlety of a surgeon. I just absolutely love it when we pick up on the nuances of our wordplay with each other. Totally and completely hot! I was reminded of it a few days ago when I got an email from my EW that was just a total word vomit, like a [email protected] middle schooler, and she's a tenured professor! I can't believe I was married to that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

@Girl_power

Since you mentioned long term physical attractions I am guessing you mean also sexual attraction. I read a book a number of years ago that may or may not apply to what your asking.

Mating in Captivity

If nothing else, it is an interesting read.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

So, this happened last night ...

Wanting to know why I didn't want sexy time?

If you insist on a naked, deep-tissue massage, like we usually do ... you on your stomach, me on top ... geez ... make sure you're clean. Especially after a hot summer day. I don't know if I can ever un-smell that. 

The last time I told my W she smelled bad (and THAT was just general B.O. ... NOT what we had last night) she didn't talk to me for a week. And I had followed TAM's advice ... "Hmmm ... you're a little bit ripe ... how 'bout we take a quick shower?" Nope. I'm the @sshole.

I don't want to touch this issue (and this booty) with a ten-foot pole.

COME ON.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Well, I'd have to agree with you.

I wonder why she was so insistent she smelled good. And hostile. 

Usually a yes / no kind of thing.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> This is interesting to me because in my experience it seems a lot of men are hyper sensitive and think they are being “yelled” at, or that their significant other is being critical when in reality they are just being blunt and honest.
> 
> My dad and boyfriend do this all the time. My dad will be like your mother yelled at me for... x,y,z and my mom has never yelled in her life... she may have gotten upset but she didn’t yell. And the same thing for my boyfriend which is something we laugh about now Bc he said a couple times that I yelled at him which I never raised my voice ever... when I brought it up to him he was like yea your right you have never raised your voice at me now that I think about it. And there are times when he complains about his ex gf about how she yelled at him all the time and I had to stop him and be like did she really yell or was she just upset?


Everyone can be sensitive. I don't think I am more or less sensitive than anyone else. 

My point is that, if you want to talk, make it a talk. Don't say snarky things, not that F does that, but sometimes it does happen. 

I just believe that starting a talk out the right way is really important. Like, the standard, "is this a good time to talk about something?", or something along those lines. 

And the other thing about yelling... Turns out that if you come from a "Loud" family in general, including actual yelling or just louder animated discussions... And your SO comes from a family that never ever raised their voice... Then to them, you are yelling. 

I actually have a Loud booming voice, even for a guy. Comes from being a singer, a life long musician, and a certain amount of hearing loss. Bottom line is I am loud. 

I don't know if that is anything like your situation but something to keep in mind...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Men *what are some things that help sustain your attraction to your partner*, and what are some things that kill your attraction for her?
> 
> I’m asking because I feel like I have a second chance (I’m divorced) to make this relationship better than my first. When I was married... I saw my ex search engine and he googled “I am no longer attracted to my wife” and it killed me. But physically I didn’t change, no weight gain, no hair/makeup/outfit changes. So I know attraction is behind physical... so please tell me what helps and hurts.


My 2 cents.

Having confidence, a good self-image of your body and yourself.

Making your significant other feel loved, cherished, and sexually desired.

Playing together in bed and when you have your clothes on. This includes laughing and not taking things too seriously.

Learning when you need to give your SO space to think, to emotionally cool down, or to reflect.

Making your SO feel they are worthwhile and needed by you.

It is not so much about you body or how you look in a bikini. Our biggest sex organ is between our ears, not our legs. Stimulate your partner's biggest sex organ.

Good Luck.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Average Joe said:


> So, this happened last night ...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Listen I had anal sex yesterday and literally pooped on my bfs ****... stuff happens lol.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Everyone can be sensitive. I don't think I am more or less sensitive than anyone else.
> 
> My point is that, if you want to talk, make it a talk. Don't say snarky things, not that F does that, but sometimes it does happen.
> 
> ...


except sensitivity nowadays is so over the top outrageous its ruining peoples lives.

I mean if you dare to disagree with some posters viewpoints around here they get all sensitive, offended and personal attacks come next.


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Listen I had anal sex yesterday and literally pooped on my bfs ****... stuff happens lol.


Agreed. THAT's just part of the territory, and we're always prepared.

In other circumstances, "hey, not smelling so good down here" won't go over well.


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## Ric (May 14, 2019)

It's about attitude - both of you. To love, encourage, and serve. I've been married for 38 years and we are still attracted to each other. Our glory years have passed us by - at least in terms of looks.


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