# What should I do?



## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Here's the background -- 
My husband and I have been married 22 years. We have two kids, 10 and 7. Both H and I have careers, a commute, and have made our kids a priority, leaving us with little time for each other. (In hindsight I realize how foolish this was!) The upshot is that H has been unhappy for a long time (and I was dissatisfied too, but thinking that things would improve as kids got a bit older). Things came to a head 3.5 years ago when H had an EA/PA with a coworker who was going through a divorce and seeking comfort. H broke off the affair when he decided he couldn't bear to leave this children. But, he's never come back to the relationship, instead trying to will himself to "feel something that he doesn't." When I've begged him to consider counseling or otherwise working on the marriage he has balked. I've gotten the ILYBINILWY talk.

About a month ago H told me he wants to move out. I got emotional, begged, pleaded, threatened, etc. Two weeks ago he repeated his request, and that time I said okay because I think I need to be willing to let him go. 

He's explained that he wants to stay in the neighborhood (we live in a small town), and have 50-50 custody of the kids. We saw a house for sale about 1/4 mile away, and I suggested that if he really wanted to minimize the impact of a divorce on the kids he should think about buying the house. We even talked about a bird-nesting arrangement in which the kids would move to the new house (it's bigger) and H and I would move in and out over the course of the week.

The problem? I don't want a divorce at all. I have strong feelings for him. He and I both acknowledge that we are very good friends. He says that I'm physically attractive and that it wasn't the quality of our sex life but the quantity that was the problem. I agree with that assessment and truly think that if we made each other a priority we could be truly happy with each other. I wouldn't push, but splitting up will hurt the kids, and it kills me that he is willing to walk away from me without trying to work on our marriage together.

So... how do I balance giving him the space he needs, moving on with my life, keeping my kids from getting hurt, and trying to convince him to give our relationship a chance?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Couleur said:


> ... how do I balance giving him the space he needs, moving on with my life, keeping my kids from getting hurt, and trying to convince him to give our relationship a chance?


Just give him the space he needs. Respect his boundaries, even though it is hurtful for you. As far as moving on with your life and keeping your kids from getting hurt, how about giving counseling a shot, both for yourself and your children? They are at an age where they understand things aren't right between their parents, and may want to discuss their own fears about the situation.

Although you want this to be as painless as possible, it isn't necessarily going to happen that way. Breakups are painful for the entire family. Healing from a breakup takes time. 

You cannot convince your husband to give the marriage another shot. It sounds like he has checked out emotionally already. Unfortunately, he may already be involved in an EA or PA. Many times, the ILYBINILWY talk is motivated by a spouse who has moved on to someone else. 

You don't have to run out and file for divorce. People frequently separate but don't rush into divorce proceedings. Now is the time to put the children first to assure the transition is as painless as possible for them.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

It doesn't sound like you have much of a choice in the matter since he doesn't seem to want to be continued to be married to you.

The two of you need to agree to the terms of your seperation. Will each of you agree that it's OK to see other people?

I would insist that for both of you, there be no overnight guests of the opposite sex allowed when the kids are there


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> It doesn't sound like you have much of a choice in the matter since he doesn't seem to want to be continued to be married to you.
> 
> The two of you need to agree to the terms of your seperation. Will each of you agree that it's OK to see other people?
> 
> I would insist that for both of you, there be no overnight guests of the opposite sex allowed when the kids are there


If we end up bird-nest parenting, the rule is neither of us dates while "in residence" (living with the kids). 

Figuring out the terms of separation is really hard for me. If we didn't have kids, I think the best thing for me to do would be to "go dark," so that I would have the space to emotionally detach from him. I think that because I am still in love with him, that when I spend time with him it'll act as a kindle for me, and I won't be moving on.

But the kids are pretty young, and we have each always spent a lot of time with them (taking turns reading, both going to soccer/baseball games, etc). And, because there hasn't been outward tension in the house, a separation will hit the kids hard. So, if I were just to do what is best for the kids, I would argue that we should work really hard to be good co-parents, reinforcing that the other is a good person, and since we'd be doing a 50-50 split of the kids, we'll see each other a lot. My older son knows that we are considering a divorce (because H went to look at the house nearby and it came out). He has been asking if we will still celebrate birthdays and holidays together, if we'll go trick or treating together, if he will still be able to see each of us every day. I want to tell him that we will continue to do some of those things, but I worry that I will be setting myself up for a lot of triggers.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So, even in the last couple years the quantity of your sex life was down? Sounds to me like he gave you a pretty big hint as to what he wants. Can you not bring yourself to throw yourself at him sexually? Perhaps a couple times a day?


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So, even in the last couple years the quantity of your sex life was down? Sounds to me like he gave you a pretty big hint as to what he wants. Can you not bring yourself to throw yourself at him sexually? Perhaps a couple times a day?


Believe me, I think upping sex would do a lot to repair this relationship. But, I've tried both extremes -- begging for sex, telling him we can have sex with no strings attached -- and the other extremes -- using non-sexual touch to let him know I'm available -- and trying to give him space to think without the pressure of worrying that I will throw myself at him. 

He has said "you look good," "we were always sexually compatible, we just didn't have enough sex," and we've had sex a handful of times (maybe 6 or 8 in the past 8 months). But, then he tells me he doesn't feel good about it. 

My reading is that in order to have a sexual relationship with his affair partner, he had to convince himself that our marriage was truly over. Then, when he realized he couldn't give up the children he decided to be celibate for the next 11 years. Now I think a main reason for asking for a divorce is because he realizes that plan isn't the best thing for either him or me. 

My complaint is that given that he will never find anyone who will care for his kids as much as I do, that we are still good friends, that I think he is extremely attractive and would love to jump him, and that I think that now that we know how easily things can fall apart if we don't keep our own emotional relationship a priority -- given all that -- he still won't "date me" and see if we could rekindle the spark, because he is worried that it may not work out and if it doesn't work out that we won't be able to parent well together. 

That's one reason why I've agreed to work out the details of a divorce -- where will we each live, who gets the kids when, how would we separate our finances. My hope is that if we know what the worst that can happen is, he might be willing to try to work on our marriage together.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep he shut off so he wouldn't feel hurt anymore and your indifference all those years is telling.

hes done plain and simple he don't think you will or could ever change and resentment has a strong hold.


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