# A question for the happily married from the not



## Rugs

My first love contacts me every month via facebook just to say hi. He contacted me two or three years ago and we have exchanged a few short blurbs about our lives, kids, parents....

He has never crossed the line or been inappropriate. He loves his wife very much and he has always had a lot of integrity (at least 30 years ago).

My friends and family tell me that NO happily married man ever has a reason to contact a first love more than once, if ever.

I am not happily married but because my husband is a serial cheater, I want no part in anyone else's marriage. I am not inappropriate with this person, never initiate contact, or have any strong feelings for him.

Is this normal for happily married people to contact old flames?

Your thoughts?


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## anchorwatch

Only speaking for ourselves. After 40 years together, never did never will. Same for the Mrs.


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## Convection

Rugs said:


> My friends and family tell me that NO happily married man ever has a reason to contact a first love more than once, if ever.


I would agree. If a "first love" is contacting you thirty years on, I would guess he is in the throes of mid-life crisis nostalgia, and questioning his own life choices.


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## Rugs

Why wouldn't he just tell me he has unresolved feelings? Do guys like this just have the need for an ego boost or to think I'm still waiting in the wings?

I'm not going to bring it up and I know he's not if he hasn't already so I'm still not certain what the reason could be when you seem, act, say, you are totally happy.

Would he try and rub his happiness in my face?? Again, he just doesn't come-off that way. I guess patience is on his side.


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## Entropy3000

Rugs said:


> My first love contacts me every month via facebook just to say hi. He contacted me two or three years ago and we have exchanged a few short blurbs about our lives, kids, parents....
> 
> He has never crossed the line or been inappropriate. He loves his wife very much and he has always had a lot of integrity (at least 30 years ago).
> 
> My friends and family tell me that NO happily married man ever has a reason to contact a first love more than once, if ever.
> 
> I am not happily married but because my husband is a serial cheater, I want no part in anyone else's marriage. I am not inappropriate with this person, never initiate contact, or have any strong feelings for him.
> 
> Is this normal for happily married people to contact old flames?
> 
> Your thoughts?


Horrible idea.


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## Wiserforit

Maybe one "hello" in conjunction with saying hi to a large number of old friends from high school. But not regular contact.


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## mablenc

Well, how do you think his wife feels? You may not be intending to cheat but, that's how many affairs start. I'd stop contacting him, his married the ship has sailed. Also, if you are so unhappy, leave. It's dangerous to be leaning on is man for support. And clearly you need to fix or end your marriage, why not put your focus there?


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## mablenc

Rugs said:


> Why wouldn't he just tell me he has unresolved feelings? Do guys like this just have the need for an ego boost or to think I'm still waiting in the wings?
> 
> I'm not going to bring it up and I know he's not if he hasn't already so I'm still not certain what the reason could be when you seem, act, say, you are totally happy.
> 
> Would he try and rub his happiness in my face?? Again, he just doesn't come-off that way. I guess patience is on his side.


Hmmmm, you said you are not interested but, you sound very interested in this post.


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## Rugs

NOT interested at ALL. I do question his motives because my husband cheated on me for years. I'm not thrilled by cheaters but trying to give my old friend the benefit of the doubt. That's why I came here.

I am in the process of divorce and looking forward to being SINGLE for a long time. I stated above that I do not have any feelings for this person and don't initiate contact or lean on him for support.

This person is 2000 miles away and I will never see them again. 

The reason I asked the question here is because I have been that wife. He tells me his wife knows about his contact with me and he has not crossed any lines. I just can't help think why bother.

I'm guessing aging and nostalgia as opposed to mid life crisis but wanted to hear from the happily married.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Rugs said*: *My first love contacts me every month via facebook just to say hi.* He contacted me two or three years ago and we have exchanged a few short blurbs about our lives, kids, parents


EVERY MONTH is way over the top....even GF's in our lives today don't even check in that consistent...seems he wants to keep tabs on you.... is he aware of the state of your marriage right now?

Curious to know WHO broke it off way back when ....WHO was the heart broken one? If YOU broke his ...maybe he has always carried a silent torch for you... he knows it will never be, but something remains aflame in him.... could be a slight something stirring in his own marriage (Mid Life Crisis looking back) starting 2-3 yrs ago....when he started contact. 

IF HE broke it off with you, maybe there is some form of regret there...he could even be downplaying how good his marriage IS ...*and fishing lightly* ...showing respect in his words...but allowing you to UP something, and so far you have given him nothing. :thumbup: :thumbup: 

I married my 1st love... so I can only imagine.. I've thought about this...had I married another & was foolish enough to let him go....If I had marriage woes down the road, ran into him out & about.....I could so easily see how that could snow ball into something....If he was fishing for me, I might just give him a hook. Not so nice to say I suppose, but I think such a temptation could be very alluring ......

As I feel "1st loves" can be a very strong tie... so some very dangerous ground there if 2 are miserable in their marriages, feeling regrets for their choices.


You say he's always been this man of integrity...do you buy his full story of happiness ? Or do you feel he is waiting for a possible break/ your freedom...to escalate something... 

Have you asked him outright WHY.... what motivates him ?


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## Rugs

We dated for 5 years but he was 5 years older than me and at the time it made a difference. 

He started to be able to go to bars and listen to bands and I couldn't go along. He just kinda dropped me. 

I was heartbroken at the time but knew it was hopeless.

SimplyAmorous, maybe you're right and he feels a bit badly on how things ended. I kinda felt like salt was being rubbed in an old wound but maybe it's his way of an apology. ??

I guess it doesn't really matter. I just wondered if happily married people look back. 

I am unhappily married and I don't look back. I look forward not backward. Maybe happily married people are so happy that they see the past as happy too. (Because they are happy) 

If that makes sense.


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## Mavash.

Happily married for 21 years and no neither of us have nor will we look back.

I don't think it's normal.

And yes it's a horrible idea.


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## SimplyAmorous

Rugs said:


> *I just wondered if happily married people look back. *
> 
> I am unhappily married and I don't look back. I look forward not backward. *Maybe happily married people are so happy that they see the past as happy too. (Because they are happy)*
> 
> If that makes sense.


Ok...I can offer some insight to this question....Mavash may think I am not normal though...

I am the type of person who ALWAYS looked back...it's just a part of who I am... I took many pictures for this very reason... I wanted to be able to reminisce the Best of times of my youth......Like Nickelback's song here >>  Photograph - YouTube all the places we went, crazy things we did...

I think of my childhood bestfriend, her family, with such fond memories, laugh about some of them even today - 30 + yrs later.... all the 1sts I had with my husband (met him at 15).... yeah... Memories are very very precious to me...(well if they are good... not like I purposely try to conjure up the bad ones...it seems I let much of that slide)

I tried to live so I wouldn't have regrets, as much as I could from my end anyway/ we can't help what was done to us...as I felt regrets could have haunted me -maybe a little more than the average person, I don't know. Always had the future in mind too though....I guess I just take it ALL in. Every direction. 

I can not relate to one who NEVER looks back.. that would be foreign to my brain waves, so yes, people can be different here...



> SimplyAmorous, maybe you're right and he feels a bit badly on how things ended. I kinda felt like salt was being rubbed in an old wound but maybe it's his way of an apology. ??


It's possible he feels he hurt you and this is some way of making up, but I would think his writing you a little note and being done with it - would be suffice...it's the lingering, and what purpose it serves...it's just very odd. 

Has the conversations ever touched your past - his trying to say he was sorry in some way, he missed it ? Over a period of 2 + yrs, I would assume you are doing some "







's *??*


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## SimplyAmorous

I'm not saying it is *healthy* to look back on an EX mind you....or a 1st love....most especially IF there IS a stirring of regrets going on...this could cause some unsettled feelings to rise....and wade through.....also such a preoccupation- could cause problems in a marriage, surfacing in other ways (if it was being hidden). 

Though I don't feel it is abnormal ...to think... "Oh wonder where he or she is today, what they look like, if they have some kids?"... Just like any old friend, don't we all wonder such things ? I always have...

I've even told my husband to look up his 1st 2 "puppy love" GF's on FB... as he doesn't have any pictures & I'd love to see what they look like! But they are lost, he has no idea who they married... He would never "friend them" or contact them, but it was ME who was curious - just to see a profile pic.


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## Mavash.

Thinking about your first love isn't the same as contacting them.

I think about my first love sometimes and wonder what I'd say if I ran into him but I'd never seek him out nor would I look him up on Facebook. He was HOT and last I heard he was seen out with a gorgeous woman on his arm. Yeah I'll pass on torturing myself with what he's doing now. Lol


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## committed4ever

My H is my first and only love. But I'm not his. He's not interested in contacting any of them. He has moved on. We got married fairly young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

About a year or so ago, I notice my two best friends from high school friended my first serious long term boyfriend on FB. He wasn't my first love, my husband is, but I liked him a lot. I thought to myself, "Wow, I should friend him and see how he's doing."

I hope this doesn't make me sound like I'm full of myself but this guy was crazy in love with me. He used to leave these amazing love notes on my car. We dated for a year but to be honest I just wasn't all that into him. We broke up for two reasons, I wasn't ready to have sex, (I was 17, he was almost 19), and I wanted to see other people. Anyway, years later a friend told me that x-BF was getting married and his fiance was a deadringer for me.

Back to the present: So I went to look on his page and saw that he was married with two kids. As I thought more about it I realized it wouldn't be appropriate to friend him. If my husband had a FB account and some old girlfriend that he was crazy about turned up, I wouldn't be too happy. So out of respect for his wife I left it alone. Also, he must have thought it was inappropriate too since he didn't friend me when he friended our mutual friends from high school.


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## dsGrazzl3D

Rugs said:


> Is this normal for happily married people to contact old flames?


1- No, not normal in a happy committed marriage to reconnect to a past love. There is DEFINITELY a motive to desire this connection/ To just reach out for no apparent reason. How would you as a spouse react to this yourself? (There is your answer)


Rugs said:


> My first love contacts me every month via facebook just to say hi. He contacted me two or three years ago and we have exchanged a few short blurbs about our lives, kids, parents....
> Your thoughts?


I had a FB page a few years back. I got it in order to connect with gaming buddies. Kept and a "MySpace" page but ended up giving my FB to my wife! 
We kinda' share it together now. It actually has her name now, but I still have full shared access. She mainly uses it for family and coupon~ing. I would not recommend for a married couple to have FB pages without each having TOTAL ACCESS TO ONE or both pages. HIGHLY recommend this as any messages, contact NEVER becomes a problem for either of us.


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## Rugs

I have had all my long-term boyfriends contact me on Facebook but they only contacted me once. My first love contacts me monthly. 

My dad was visiting today (my dad has been married and divorced three times) He said my first love probably did love his wife very much but had different feelings or me. Basically people can compartmentalize.

I have decided if and when he contacts me again, not to respond. I wish him no harm but what is the point. I would not like if it I were his wife. It would bother me a great deal. My husband cheated for years with anyone he could find so I know what betrayal feels like.

I envy you happily married people. It is a wonderful thing to be in love for life and I think it is very rare. Treaure what you have!


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## Rough Patch Sewing

thehappywife said:


> Truly, no happily married man goes looking to be a friend with an old love. Or he is feeling insecure and looking to rekindle a feeling he thinks he has lost. Either way, this is playing too close to the fire and you should ignore him. At this point, even a polite, "Hope you are well." is encouragement to continue the conversation, which can only lead to pain for all involved.
> The Happy Wife


True statement of fact thehappywife. Perhaps Mr. Old flame is trying to have an emotional affair on the side for the sake of his ego. I do not know of another reason why a man such as he would try to have an emotional affair, nor do I care. Simply put, this guy is bad news. Like you said, do not encourage him at all. 

Plus, I read your blog and had a great time reading the the top two current blog posts. Good work. I like to see how a christian woman relates to life and relationships. How not to dwell or stew in one's own frustrations and annoyances etc. It was very entertaining to read and learn from. I guess I should make a comment on your blog as well.

RP


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## krismimo

I'm in a happy marriage we have ex's on fb I'm actually friends with one of them she is very nice and very supportive. I wouldn't say cut him off completely but probably tone down how often you talk to him, you can't answer for him, but since your going through a possible divorce and things are not that great in your marriage you probably need to distance yourself for a bit.


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## SpinDaddy

I periodically make contact with old girl friends that I’ve “friended” or been “friended” by on Facebook. Not every month and usually for a reason. But for most of them, my regard is that just because we parted ways doesn’t mean I don’t like them – I’d hope they feel the same way too (more-or-less).


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## dsGrazzl3D

Rugs said:


> I envy you happily married people. It is a wonderful thing to be in love for life and I think it is very rare. Treasure what you have!


I never liked those terms of love... "in love, out-of-love", or "soul-mate".... these are truly stupid '_disney-esque_' terms that are *NOT* helpful in any healthy mature relationship. 
I've been married for 15 years as of this past March and can tell you that it is a DAILY struggle for both myself and my wife. I am not sure whom has it the worse her, or me,_ but I have come to accept that she is right a lot more often than me_. I was not always so honest. She even still gets jealous of my PC time. I think having healthy relationships is not as rare as people make it sound. When you remove the "_disney fairytale expectations_", then you can start living with real people and having REAL relationships!?!?

I try to live be a few favorite quotes that you may find relevant, or not...
STILL;
1- Actions speaks louder than words
2- If you can NOT LEARN from history, then you are doomed to repeat it
3- Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, which is why we call it PRESENT _-YES! From KUNG-FU PANDA, but still true_
4- Quote-"But dad Albert Einstein was a really REALLY samrt guy!", "OHhhhh Yeah!! Well then, if he's SOOoo smart, then how come he's dead!?!?" _-I love Homer Simpson_


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## Faiora

Rugs said:


> My first love contacts me every month via facebook just to say hi. He contacted me two or three years ago and we have exchanged a few short blurbs about our lives, kids, parents....
> 
> He has never crossed the line or been inappropriate. He loves his wife very much and he has always had a lot of integrity (at least 30 years ago).
> 
> My friends and family tell me that NO happily married man ever has a reason to contact a first love more than once, if ever.
> 
> I am not happily married but because my husband is a serial cheater, I want no part in anyone else's marriage. I am not inappropriate with this person, never initiate contact, or have any strong feelings for him.
> 
> Is this normal for happily married people to contact old flames?
> 
> Your thoughts?


It's probably different for everyone... 

My first boyfriend cheated on me, and I'm still in contact with him. He's actually our lawyer now  We've been out for dinner and drinks before when he was in town, but my SO was fully aware ahead of time and everything. We email every 6 months or so, or I suppose we might more if I needed legal advice. *shrugs*


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## john117

I have kept touch with two old flames from college... Flame #2 and wife work in the same company (no surprise, it is a huge multinational) and we will likely be using her wisdom and networking to further wife's career  or even mine if I jump ship. 

That is what you get by being a nice guy and not burning bridges. Facebook and LinkedIn work great... 

In all three cases I am amazed how well Asian women age compared to us European drunkards . Incidentally I am not in what I would consider a happy marriage but the wife trusts me nonetheless or is not concerned.


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## Affaircare

I consider myself pretty happily married, and if I found my high school boyfriend on Facebook, I might "friend" him but I would never send him a message. He can get my status comments just like everyone else or talk to me out in public like that. 

Yes--I'm curious what he looks like now, if he ever got married, if he has kids...but on a scale of 1 to 10 it's like a -2 priority to me. I would find out (wow, he got old, wrinkly, is a lawyer, happily married, 2.5 kids) and then probably never think of him again. I mean even now, he crosses my mind about once a year MAYBE...and that's if someone brings him up like you brought up a question about this kind of person! LOL

My mind, my focus, my life, my interest, my thoughts, my feelings, ALL THAT IS ME is right here at home with my Dear Hubby. Do I think we are perfect? HECK NO! My Dear Hubby is ill and he can get cranky when he's frustrated over not being able to do things he "used to be able to do"--things he WANTS to do! But we get through stuff TOGETHER, and he's my best friend. Every part of me that's me is HERE, and not once-a-month on some old HS BF.


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## Ikaika

So I never really considered any of my past relationships as a first or 10th love. But if we are talking any women from my past that I had dated or maybe had some intimate contact with and would I have contact with them now? Some no, at least one I have. Situation a woman who I knew back in HS, who I dated twice. Granted she was a good girl came from a good family so I was never going to get to second base back then. 

She did contact me recently but it was purely for reasons that she wanted to gain some medical information. She found out that I have knowledge in cancer biology and she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She wanted some information about her options based on what the oncologist told her. Granted I talked not only to her but her husband via conference call. So I guess my answer would be, it would need to be contingent upon the circumstance. 

No way would I contact some women from my past. It would not be necessary, especially if it was without my wife's knowledge.


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## jay_gatsby

Rugs said:


> We dated for 5 years but he was 5 years older than me and at the time it made a difference.
> 
> He started to be able to go to bars and listen to bands and I couldn't go along. He just kinda dropped me.
> 
> I was heartbroken at the time but knew it was hopeless.
> 
> SimplyAmorous, maybe you're right and he feels a bit badly on how things ended. I kinda felt like salt was being rubbed in an old wound but maybe it's his way of an apology. ??
> 
> I guess it doesn't really matter. I just wondered if happily married people look back.
> 
> I am unhappily married and I don't look back. I look forward not backward. Maybe happily married people are so happy that they see the past as happy too. (Because they are happy)
> 
> If that makes sense.


Yes, that is exactly the point. You are not happy, and now looking for memories that bring back a "happier" time, though as you stated it was not great... but I bet in your mind it was better than what is going on now.


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## MSP

The fact that you repeatedly call him your first love, rather than more emotionally-neutral terms, like 'ex', suggests that you have some residual feelings. Don't entertain them.

I have one ex-GF on my Facebook friends list. We never had sex, we broke up amicably, and she is currently a permanent missionary in Africa. So I think she's safe. Didn't stop my wife from being jealous when she saw me add her, but she got over it.


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