# Desperate for advice!



## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and this year has been rough. We were on the verge of divorce earlier this year, but after a while decided to work it out. I was dead set on the divorce for a while, but he was very upset about it and seeing him upset made me feel bad. Things went well for a little bit, but for some reason I feel like my feelings are changing for him. I'm ashamed of it, but when we were talking about divorce, I was talking to another guy. It was never sexual, we never even met up or anything like that, but there was a connection. I stopped talking to him completely a couple months ago since we decided to work things out. I feel bad because I am still married but my husband doesn't know anything about it. I love my husband, but for some reason it feels like those feelings are kind of fading. I don't even care as much about having sex with him as I used to. Before all the talk of divorce, he used to talk down to me sometimes and never really made me feel attractive. Over time that has really affected me, so one of the main reasons I don't want to have sex is because I feel like he thinks I'm not pretty even though he tells me I am. I feel like he's just saying it now to try and keep me around. He has also really let himself go. He doesn't care about hygiene and he won't even attempt to find a real job. He relies on little side jobs to make ends meet and the stress from the struggle is wearing on me. I don't know...maybe I am just looking for a reason to be negative, but I really want to feel happy again one day. :frown2:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Based on what you described I'd think that a toothless bald guy that told you that you were pretty would look good to you at this point. The grass is always greener...

You either have to be in 100% this to fix this or it won't work. If you let lingering feelings for the other guy or you can't get on board with fixing hte marriage then you are wasting your time.

Have you tried counseling?


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Based on what you described I'd think that a toothless bald guy that told you that you were pretty would look good to you at this point. The grass is always greener...
> 
> You either have to be in 100% this to fix this or it won't work. If you let lingering feelings for the other guy or you can't get on board with fixing hte marriage then you are wasting your time.
> 
> Have you tried counseling?




I'm pretty sure you're right about that first statement. :frown2:
I really do want to work things out. But, no we have not tried counseling. I have mentioned it to him before and he isn't really for it. He says things like, "we can work through this on our own, if we can't then we shouldn't try" or "I don't want someone else in our business telling me what to do." He is extremely stubborn.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

SugarAndSpice said:


> I'm pretty sure you're right about that first statement. :frown2:
> I really do want to work things out. But, no we have not tried counseling. I have mentioned it to him before and he isn't really for it. He says things like, "we can work through this on our own, if we can't then we shouldn't try"


Do you have kids?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Second the advice for counselling, and I'd make it a condition of trying to work it out. 

He sounds pretty lazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Do you have kids?


Yes, we have a 4 year old daughter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your symptoms of not being in love with your husband anymore, and his faults being amplified in your mind after having an emotional affair with another man are CLASSIC. Not having a steady job and "letting himself go" are not good, but at one time, you felt totally different. It's up to you to change your feelings. He can't change them for you. Ask yourself if you want to be married to this man like you should have done before having kids with him. If you can't make your marriage work for you, tell him the truth about the other man in your life, divorce him, and move on to the next one. He's entitled to the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

marduk said:


> Second the advice for counselling, and I'd make it a condition of trying to work it out.
> 
> He sounds pretty lazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has become very lazy. He was nothing like that before. He had a great job, then up and quit and hasn't had a real stable job since then and that was about 2 years ago. When I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter, we both decided I would be a stay at home mom. Well, obviously now I have had to take it upon myself to go back to work to pick up the slack. Which I am not complaining abo having to work, it's just the circumstances behind it all that upsets me.


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your symptoms of not being in love with your husband anymore, and his faults being amplified in your mind after having an emotional affair with another man are CLASSIC. Not having a steady job and "letting himself go" are not good, but at one time, you felt totally different. It's up to you to change your feelings. He can't change them for you. Ask yourself if you want to be married to this man like you should have done before having kids with him. If you can't make your marriage work for you, tell him the truth about the other man in your life, divorce him, and move on to the next one. He's entitled to the truth.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do want to be married to him, it just seems like he has done a complete 180 over the past few years and the change wasn't for the better. And as for the other guy, the moment that my husband and I decided to call off the divorce, I cut this guy off completely. I don't have his phone number, I deleted him from all social media and we don't even live in the same state so I never even see him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Does your old man have an outline on how he plans to rebuild his side of the marriage?

Is he even aware that his attraction level is at zero?

BTW awesome job on identify an unhealthy relationship, knowing it was wrong, and stopping it.

Now go to work on building a healthy marriage and if need be letting go of that marriage before you bring another man into it!

I think your old man should be told that you have been talking to another man. or did I miss this part?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SugarAndSpice said:


> He has become very lazy. He was nothing like that before. He had a great job, then up and quit and hasn't had a real stable job since then and that was about 2 years ago.


I'm imposing my personal bias here, but that would be a deal killer for me. Unless your husband has a physical or mental disability that prohibits him from holding a full-time job, I'd be outta there in a flash.

What reason did he give you for quitting his job and not getting another?


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

the guy said:


> Does your old man have an outline on how he plans to rebuild his side of the marriage?
> 
> Is he even aware that his attraction level is at zero?
> 
> ...


When we first started attempting to work things out I could tell he was putting forth a little effort as far as spending more quality time with me and not putting me down about every little thing. But it seems that, that is starting to die down now. I have told him that he should clean up and the main reason for that was, a guy that he had been doing some side jobs for actually asked me if he takes regular baths and I was SO embarrassed! Also, back when I was actually talking to the other guy, my husband knew..I know he knew because when we were somewhat separated while talking about a divorce he told me of his suspicions and I never admitted or denied it, we just don't talk about it anymore.


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I'm imposing my personal bias here, but that would be a deal killer for me. Unless your husband has a physical or mental disability that prohibits him from holding a full-time job, I'd be outta there in a flash.
> 
> What reason did he give you for quitting his job and not getting another?


He felt that he wasn't being treated fairly at his last job. They were giving people below him more opportunities to move up..etc. I don't think he should have just up and quit without discussing his concerns because it was a great job with amazing pay and benefits. He acts like he doesn't plan on finding another job at least not in the near future. He thinks we are fine the way we are now, barely making it, so what is the point of him breaking his back for anything. I don't understand it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SugarAndSpice said:


> He has become very lazy. He was nothing like that before. He had a great job, then up and quit and hasn't had a real stable job since then and that was about 2 years ago. When I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter, we both decided I would be a stay at home mom. Well, obviously now I have had to take it upon myself to go back to work to pick up the slack. Which I am not complaining abo having to work, it's just the circumstances behind it all that upsets me.


What happened 2 years ago?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old man needs to see a shrink......he's messed up....he has a short circuit up in the brain!

#1 he'd get laid a lot more if he cleaned up...hell even a guy standing next to him thinks he smells like @ss...he could be getting "it" put yet can't figure that out.

#2 a steady job would make him feel a lot better about him self and yet he settles for less....and he would be getting laid more cuz chick like a guy that's in control and has direction.

At the end of the day your resentment builds and your old man is clueless.

So in short if your old man is clueless about his own destiny how in the hell can he have a relationship with another person and expect to control the destiny of that relationship....
Hell he doesn't have an outline for hos own life, I guess having an outline for a marriage.

You need to have your boundaries and the consequences for when those boundaries are crossed....and your 1st boundary is your old man goes and finds out why he has been in such a decline for these past years by a professional or the M is toast.


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

marduk said:


> What happened 2 years ago?


I really can't think of anything in particular. Especially not anything that I would assume could trigger that sort of response.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It does indeed sound as if your h is lucky he dodged a bullet and doesn't have a clue. You even separated for a while and he didn't get a steady job? 
I don't understand a lot of his problems. 
You should definitely go to marriage counseling and see if anyone can talk some sense into him.

I hate it, but some people are their own worst enemies. I do admire you for having the character to stop the emotional affair and fix your marriage or attempt to. The lost feelings due to the OM, and your husbands self- destructive tendencies seem to be brewing the perfect storm.
I wish you the best of luck with all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

the guy said:


> Your old man needs to see a shrink......he's messed up....he has a short circuit up in the brain!
> 
> #1 he'd get laid a lot more if he cleaned up...hell even a guy standing next to him thinks he smells like @ss...he could be getting "it" put yet can't figure that out.
> 
> ...


That is another problem. Our sex life has been awful for a very long time. He doesn't want to try new things, ever. And he doesn't really try to make sex as enjoyable for me. Kind of like, I'm there to get him off and my needs don't matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

I really do love him and sometimes I feel like I pick out his flaws and maybe it's just me thinking I deserve something better. And sometimes I think maybe he's ashamed of me because we never even go anywhere together. Since everything went down hill, he has taken me out to a restaurant once. The only reason he did was because my friend and her husband invited us. I literally had to beg him because I didn't want to decline their invite for the 100th time or just show up alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

I just brought up some of these issues with him. He turned it into an argument about me, then got up and left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is he depressed? The lack of good hygiene and no desire to build a career could be clues. He needs counseling.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Is he depressed? The lack of good hygiene and no desire to build a career could be clues. He needs counseling.



I agree with this......counseling would serve him well. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

Tomara said:


> I agree with this......counseling would serve him well.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I wish he would see someone about it. He's totally against all that. The only time he sees a doctor is if it's an emergency that warrants and ER visit and even then he has to be pretty much forced into going. I feel like I'm at a dead end and there is nothing I can do about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you have to give him an ultimatum. It's going to be harsh but he needs to hear it. Tell him that the person you were attracted to - the sex, the career drive, his appearance (fitness level, clothing), the whole package - is gone. And that you'd like to get it back but it's up to him and you think you two need to see a counselor. Give him a few names and phone #s and tell him the ball is in his court. Then do a 180. Live as if he doesn't exist. Don't ignore him, just proceed with YOUR life. If he doesn't come along for the ride, won't take any initiative to fix it, then get on with the business of leaving. Start sorting through things. Bring home some boxes. Let him know you are SERIOUS.

Either he'll proceed, may be begrudgingly but it's a first step, OR he'll continue to be mad, unhappy and find nothing wrong with the current situation. Then you'll have your answer. It's either important to him or it's not. If he doesn't choose the marriage, you can leave knowing you tried. Kudos on recognizing the beginning of an EA and putting a halt to it. You won't fall back in love with him if there's anyone else in the wings. If he turns this around, you CAN reignite the spark. If he doesn't take some time to be alone before you get involved with anyone else.

Best of luck.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If his behaviour changed two years ago, something happened to trigger that change.

That's where I would look.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Your husband quit a great job because he felt he was being treated unfairly. Maybe so, or maybe those in lesser positions were really worthy of promotion.

I agree that something triggered your husband to quit a good job, abdicate his position as husband in the marriage, and leave you to your own devices.

I'd leave. I'm not advocating divorce at this point, but I'd get the heck outta Dodge for now. There is something terribly wrong with your husband. Give him some space. Can you stay with family or friends for a week or two? He might be jogged to his senses. OTOH, I wouldn't put up with the unemployment. Seriously. That is reason enough for you to give him the boot.

Can you even venture a guess as to why everything went to he!! with him? Obviously you can support yourself and your child. Just speculating here, but do you think there is any chance at all he has any sort of addiction? If it's not that, it has to be some emotional issue. Could it even be something physical he is hiding from you?


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## SugarAndSpice (Dec 9, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Your husband quit a great job because he felt he was being treated unfairly. Maybe so, or maybe those in lesser positions were really worthy of promotion.
> 
> I agree that something triggered your husband to quit a good job, abdicate his position as husband in the marriage, and leave you to your own devices.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't think it is an addiction. As for something emotional or physical, I think it could be either. I just wish I could pin point what was causing it, so we could take care of it. It seems like he has become more uptight and hidden away too. We used to go out with friends, have drinks, random road trips, fishing and hiking..etc. But now we never go out, just us or with friends, he stopped drinking completely (which isn't a really a bad thing), he just used to have fun and now we never have fun together. Partially because he isn't working so we can't afford to.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I really feel for you. But if it isn't an affair or addiction, it must be some sort of mental or physical condition he's hiding from you. My take on this is in a marriage both partners need to be upfront and honest. Obviously, that doesn't happen often. Thus, we have TAM.

At this point, you need to take care of yourself and your child. I mean, seriously, if he won't get professional help or even participate in a relationship with you, what are you going to do? Wait him out? Confront him? Threaten? Leave? Stay and suffer in silence? Pray he'll come around?

The thing is, you say you are desperate for advice: So here it is, blunt and untarnished. Tell him to get a complete physical. If nothing is found wrong, tell him to ask the doctor for antidepressant meds. If he refuses, tell him to get off his a$$ and support his family.

If he refuses, you need to set a boundary. Are you willing to stay when you claim to be "desperate"? My point? Ask yourself why you are willing to carry the weight for a deadbeat who isn't pulling his weight.

Because, if you are desperate enough, you will ask hard questions of him and yourself. Expect hard answers.


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