# Ignored the red flags, now I'm done



## Hewby (Jul 2, 2019)

First, I'm pretty new here, and I'm impressed by all the great information I've found reading the various topics on TAM. There are lots of well meaning smart folks here, and I'm hoping for some direction.

Background: First marriage was 25+ years, married to highly functional alcoholic. He was always a hard worker, never missed a day, never drank at work. We had 2 children who were adults when we divorced. 

I started dating a man I'd known for many years ago, friend of a friend of a friend type thing. He was not very financially successful, which didn't bother me. He had a mortgaged home in a great area, one son that lived with his exwife. I figured he probably lived paycheck to paycheck, but he worked a full time job with benefits, and he was a very hands on father. 

He did complain a lot about the people he worked with, what idiots they were. By his stories, they truly sounded like it. We'd been dating about a year when he got fired, for going off on a rant at one of his co-workers in ear shot of a client. It's never a good thing to get fired, but I'm thinking he needed out of there anyway. Now he could find a job he really liked, instead of this place filled with idiots (!!). You see where this is headed?

He got another job, after 2 months. It was a lot more physical than his last job. After a few days, seems like this place was filled with idiots too, plus it's exhausting! Now I'm thinking, get settled in and see how it goes. 

We get married 4 years into this relationship. After we get married I tell him, see if they will let you work 4 days a week (about 32 hours) , so you won't be so exhausted. They agreed, then he went to 24 hours. After a couple of months of the 24 hours a week, I tell him this isn't working for me. He was still complaining about everything, so getting fewer hours wasn't the solution. Then, the company folded. 

I tell him, this is a great opportunity to find something you really would like. 9 months later, I'm telling him, you need a job ASAP. He sat home for almost a year before someone he knew offered him a job. Turns out it was a great opportunity, but....the idiots had followed him here too! Now THAT company went out of business after 11 months. He got another job, more idoits here too. 

I'm just done. He is lazy, he's negative, he's always the victim. He provides zero help on house upkeep, which is fine it's my house in my name bought before marriage. He drinks way too much. When we first were together he would drink and be fun, now he's just a jerk. Says things he doesn't remember saying. I'm too hold for this! I lost respect for him for not working for so long, being the constant source of negativity, and having zero ambition. Yes, I see red flags everywhere NOW, but at the time they seemed like yellow flags.

I'm not really sure any of the above matters, but wanted to provide some background. 

When is it best to have the "I'm gone" talk? He refused therapy, so it's really over. I have written up a settlement agreement that I hope he will agree to. It is a VERY fair offer. He will end up walking away with about 55k for a pretty short marriage.

Should I tell him during the work week or the weekend? He will be crushed, but he shouldn't be surprised. Should I offer details on why I want out, or just keep it short? How awkward is living together before the divorce is final, or before he can find a new place? I don't mind leaving (home is in my name only, bought before marriage) for a few days to give him time to get out, but is that a good idea? Soo many questions!


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Have you spoken to an attorney yet? If not then that should be your very next stop. Is the 55k settlement fair to you? Such a short marriage for you to be offering up that much cash. Of course I don't know your financials - that could be appropriate, but it sounds like a lot to me. You need an attorney. I would not say anything to your husband until you've had a chance to file and get papers drawn up. And I wouldn't go anywhere - it's your home! It'll be uncomfortable until he moves out, but you've made your decision. You need to keep reminding yourself of the reasons you want and need this. It won't be easy, but you'll get through this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Whatever you do, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. You do NOT want to take that kind of risk with something that YOU have worked so hard for! I would suggest you consult an attorney first, it sounds to me like you are being overly generous with what you are thinking to offer him. An attorney can let you know what is fair and legal. I would suggest you get your papers filed for divorce then let your H know that you are indeed done. Find out from your attorney what a fair amount of time is to give him to get out, I am thinking probably 30 days, and let him know. If he becomes combative, he can go NOW. 

Then, you need to find out WHY you keep choosing alcoholics! Get yourself into therapy to dig into this, there is probably something from your past that is steering you this way. Yes, what you described about his attitude was for sure a huge, waving banner of a red flag. I dont blame you one bit for being done. But you need to get to the root of your poor choices so you dont repeat this again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*First thing, procure good legal advice from a trusted family attorney!

Having "the talk" on the weekend is far more preferable, and spell it out for him as honestly and forthrightly as you can, but do try to keep it as brief as possible!

And it's OK to offer to help him look for a new place to live!

Just don't weaken to co-sign any financial paperwork with him that you might find yourself partially for later on!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes tell him why, but dont do anything till you have had legal advise. Don't agree on the amount of money and don't move out until then. 

BTW I know one or two people who go from job to job complaining about what idiots all the people are. Of course its they who are the problem but they cant see it. 

Yes you did go ahead despite many red flags.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

CYA before you tell him anything. Get all your ducks lined up, then let him know.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Here's the thing...It does not matter who owned the house before if he's made joint payments with you he may have claim to half the house.
Depending on how long you were married.
I bought my first house before marriage and she got half because our finances were intermingled.
He would where I live. 
Are your finances separate? Have they been separate?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yikes...he sounds like a gem :loser:

Attorney...sorry you are here hun.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m sorry but I just couldn’t make it to the end of your story. The guy has loser written all over him from the start.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do not make that offer. Talk to an attorney first.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Once this situation is taken care of, find out why your picker is broken, even after the obvious red flags are revealed beforehand.


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## Hewby (Jul 2, 2019)

Thanks for not beating me up too much over the red flags. I'm in a much better place now mentally & emotionally than when I married him. My son died and my good decision making skills were none existent and I married him. I firmly believe it would never have happened if I hadn't been knee deep in grief. Now I will fix it. 

I have spoken to an attorney. I'm ok with the 55k, as I think it's an equitable distribution of the marital assets. I make fairly good money, and that is about half of the assets (stocks, retirement accounts, auto, cash) that we accumulated during the marriage. But that's exactly why I came here, to get advise, so I will revisit this issue with the attorney.

No, he has not contributed to the mortgage. We have separate as well as joint checking. I've been advised by an attorney that he would most likey not be able to get any house equity. THere are always exceptions, I'm hoping not.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Hewby said:


> Now I will fix it.


Excellent!

God Bless.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hewby said:


> Thanks for not beating me up too much over the red flags. I'm in a much better place now mentally & emotionally than when I married him. My son died and my good decision making skills were none existent and I married him. I firmly believe it would never have happened if I hadn't been knee deep in grief. Now I will fix it.
> 
> I have spoken to an attorney. I'm ok with the 55k, as I think it's an equitable distribution of the marital assets. I make fairly good money, and that is about half of the assets (stocks, retirement accounts, auto, cash) that we accumulated during the marriage. But that's exactly why I came here, to get advise, so I will revisit this issue with the attorney.
> 
> No, he has not contributed to the mortgage. We have separate as well as joint checking. I've been advised by an attorney that he would most likey not be able to get any house equity. THere are always exceptions, I'm hoping not.


Before you tell him: 

1. get a written up separation agreement from your lawyer, including if you can ask him to leave.
2. get everything of sentimental value that is just yours out of the house. You'll be surprised what they take or destroy out of anger.
3. scan every document you can get a hand on and store the digital copies in the cloud somewhere.
4. walk through the house taking photos of every room.
5. prep a script for your conversation. Practice it with someone you trust.
6. plan for the conversation. Have a safe strategy - like doing it in a public place, having a friend nearby, or even having someone on speakerphone ready to call for help if needed.
7. plan for some support right after the conversation. You'll need it.
8. start documenting everything, including every interaction with him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His gravy train will be ending so he might not take it well. And he may continue to try to change your mind so you will need to remain firm that it's over. 

Oh -- don't ignore red flags next time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Hewby said:


> When is it best to have the "I'm gone" talk? He refused therapy, so it's really over. I have written up a settlement agreement that I hope he will agree to. It is a VERY fair offer. He will end up walking away with about 55k for a pretty short marriage.
> 
> Should I tell him during the work week or the weekend? He will be crushed, but he shouldn't be surprised. Should I offer details on why I want out, or just keep it short? How awkward is living together before the divorce is final, or before he can find a new place? I don't mind leaving (home is in my name only, bought before marriage) for a few days to give him time to get out, but is that a good idea? Soo many questions!


I think you should ask your attorney about getting hubs to vacate the premises. Personally, I wouldn't give him much warning. I was married to a man much like your husband. I can tell you that a problem drinker/drunk can spin out of control when you least expect it. 

I certainly wouldn't leave the house to let him pack up and leave. I'd be there to make sure he didn't help himself to anything he might feel he "deserves." Why? Because once you have "the talk" you, too, will likely be categorized as an "idiot." And he might just decide to get a bug up his butt and do something unexpected to get back at you. 

When I divorced my first husband, the state law stipulated we had to live separate and apart for one year prior to filing. I'm not keen on these in-house separations. Just telling it like I see it, but I wouldn't want this clown in MY home after he knew the score. You might have to actually get him evicted. I know you want this procedure to be as civilized as possible, but you are dealing with a career victim. Not only a victim, but a boozer. Do whatever is needed to get him the hell out of the house. Just don't expect him to be nearly as civilized about it as you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

God bless you for trying.
Uh....no he didn't.

Bless yourself later after succeeding. Seceding from your union.


Life is hard, harder when alcohol depresses, first one, then spreads to those mixed together for life.




The Typist I-


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## Hewby (Jul 2, 2019)

Thank you each and every one of you! So much wisdom here. I will update as things develop.


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