# Wife, starting to turn around a little... baby steps?



## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Kind of a long post so bear with me. My wife and I have been married for one year. We have been together for 8. Marriage really has not changed anything for us simply because we were together for so long prior to us getting married. 

My wife is 12 years my senior, I am 30 and she is 42. My wife was abused sexually as a child by her older brother, and never had a very close bond with either parent. They drank alot when she was younger and fought alot. She had a rough child hood. 

I like to believe I am a good husband but just recently I discovered some of my own issues with her help and have been trying to work through them. I have never nor would I ever hurt her, I love her more than anything in this world. I suffer from insecurities (due to being rejected so much by her), this has driven me to be very smothering and clingy.

I admit in the past I have been the "HOT" partner and she has been the "cold" (read the theromostat thread). She used to be very inward with her feelings, will not typically initiate sex, in fact I asked her to do some general reseach on what it takes to please men.. sexually and emotionally because for years she was just not doing it for me. I had to initiate everything and when we did have sex it was mainly to make me happy. Granted she used to be on ALOT of medication (Vicodin, Gabapentin, Effexor, and more) she had some medical issues in the past.

I do most of the housework, yard work, etc. She works alot and I have a much more comfortable schedule. I am totally fine with this as long as I feel appreciated for it. Which at this point I don't.

Now let's turn the page to about 3 months ago. We had a revolutionary talk with each other and has changed our relstionship for the better, sort of. We agreed that we would be honest with each other and tell each other everything, we agreed that one issue we have suffered from is commuinication. She has quit just about all of her meds which has shown me a new person.

My wife is very beautiful, and she loves attention from men. She has told me that she never crosses the line, never flirts, she just enjoys when men look at her and give her attention. There is this one man at work that she finds attractive... if she told me that 6 months ago I would have flipped out on her got jealous and went nuts. Not this time, I realize that if I want her to tell me things I need to react in an approproate manner. 

She think this man also finds her attractive because he gets nervous around her. She has told me that she has fantasized about this man and me giving her a threesome. She mentioned to me the thought, but I quickly shut that down because I was not at all comfortable with it knowing where we are now in our relationship it would ruin us. 

At first she was really sad I think. She said now that I shut it down the fantasy does nothing for her anymore. I did not know how to take this so I asked my wife.. why.. why another man.. why can't you be happy with me? She just told me its a desire, she does not desire this man alone, it's only in a threesome with me and this man. She has no feelings at all, it's purely sexual for her, I do believe her. Through conversation in a nutshell she told me I needed to lose some weight and get back in shape. So now I am doing just that.

Since I started getting back into shape, working out, I have noticed that my wife is getting closer and closer to me again. Sex is becoming more passionate, where as before it was me getting off. The threesome talk has died down ALOT now, she still will mention it every now and then and I just ignore it or say a firm no.

The only issue that I have right now with her is that she does not come close to put in what I put into the relationship and it's starting to really wear on me. There are things I will do, to make sure that she is the happiest woman on this earth. I go out of my way and send her flowers, do all the housework, suggest trips, text during the day and just say I love you, occasionally send her a love poem so when she gets into work its in her inbox. 

I get nothing in return. Occasionally she will send me a text that says "I love you babe, thinking about you" which is really nice, but that is verbatium to what I told her would be nice to hear ever once in awhile. 

I go online and research how to please a woman, try to find her gspot, I go out of my way and spend ALOT of time trying to figure out how to give her the happiest life possible, I cannot understand why she does not recriprocate this.

All I ask from her is to get online and start reaserching what men want, not just sexually but emotionally too. I want her to TRY. She thinks she is just fine the way she is. I have always been the one to fix the issues in the relationship. I am the one who reminds her if I want sex, I am the one who has to ask if she has made the therapist appointment yet. Why cant she do this on her own? If I don't do it, it will just get forgotten. 

Let me give you a great example. On Sunday we had plans to have sex. We talked about it on Saturday and she promised I would get some on Sunday. I waited the whole day for her to initiate (I am often accused of wanting sex SO often, but only because I have to ask for it) nothing happened. So as we lay in bed I said "Wow, that sex blew my mind" she said "Awww honey I forgot sorry we will do it soon" 

Another example not sexually related. She knows that her thoughts and desires of threesomes are not normal (they can be intense for her) so she promised to go see a therapist. I was impressed when she actually looked the therapist up and got the number on her own. I typically have to do all that for her. Well she got the number... she called once and got a weird busy signal. She text me about 5 min later and said honey I tried to call the therapist and got a busy signal, will look for another one. So I call the number, I get through fine and send her a text saying you must have dialed wrong I got through fine. From there she says ok I will call back tomorrow and make the appointment. This was nearly two weeks ago.. I have said nothing to her about it and there is no appointment... is this acceptable? This is a huge issue for me in our relationship... why are you just forgetting about it?

This is unbelieveable to me. This is all I want. I just want for her to initiate the love. I WANT WHAT I PUT IN BACK!!!!

I assure you that my wife is NOT cheating on me so please do not say that. I know for a fact she is not as there are no signs at all she is cheating. I know she loves me, I am positive. 

Please help! I know the post is long but I really need some advice. I love this woman so much. However I am at the point right now that I know there are women out there that would appreciate me and I am the type of person that needs this type of attention in a marriage, I dont think its alot to ask. Am I wrong?


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

IMO you are too easy for her. Whoever needs the relationship the least controls it. Read the marduk post that chapparal keeps around, it is excellent.

As to the threesomes, that's a freak show nobody needs.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're pretty naive to completely rule out cheating when she has already flat out tried to cuckold you. I don't see baby steps in the right direction in your post. I see her trying to slowly set you up to accept other men taking your place. She simply isn't attracted to you. You say that she works alot and you have a "more comfortable" schedule. What exactly does that mean? Are you a house husband? A kept man? Women are generally repulsed by men who are not providers. Are you a provider?


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're pretty naive to completely rule out cheating when she has already flat out tried to cuckold you. I don't see baby steps in the right direction in your post. I see her trying to slowly set you up to accept other men taking your place. She simply isn't attracted to you. You say that she works alot and you have a "more comfortable" schedule. What exactly does that mean? Are you a house husband? A kept man? Women are generally repulsed by men who are not providers. Are you a provider?


We both work, I make most of the money. I work a normal schedule of 8-4:30 she works in an industry that is pretty crazy and often will have to work 12 hour days.

I assure you she is not cheating on me, we share a very very special bond with each other. I have access to her iphone (no passwords on it) I track it and she is always where she says.

She has had a rough past and I think the talk of other men may be from her sexually abusive past. This is why she knows she needs therapy. She feels awful with the way she feels (if you could see her face when she tells me this, it's not pleasure it's hurt becuase she knows she is hurting me) this is part of us being honest with each other. We tell each other EVERYTHING even though it may hurt. 

I do agree that I need to get my "balls" back if you will and be more alpha... I guess I am just not sure how without getting distant from her. I want to be alpha but it's hard becuase I am limited to what I can do after work (we have dogs and work about an hour from home so if I go out the dogs will not be let out.) 

Just recently I did text her and ask if she could tell me a day she would be home on time so I could go out with my friends (something i havent done for a very long time). I think thats a step in the right direction?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's a half step in the right direction. A better approach would be to text her saying she needs to be home on x day because you're going out with the guys. Have you read no more mr. nice guy or MMSL? I know that these books aren't exactly cure alls, but I suspect you may benefit from them. Especially MMSL.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's a half step in the right direction. A better approach would be to text her saying she needs to be home on x day because you're going out with the guys. Have you read no more mr. nice guy or MMSL? I know that these books aren't exactly cure alls, but I suspect you may benefit from them. Especially MMSL.


I have only read the thermometer thread so far in regard to my issues. I have always been a little clingy with women and I think that is mainly because I was raised primarly by my mother as my father worked alot and they divorced. My mom and I always shared a special bond when I was younger so I am sure these issues came through in my childhood. I am positive it intensifies it when I have to constantly ask for sex.

Thanks for your suggestion I will check those books out right now.


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