# I give up.



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I hesitate to post this, and if you're reading it it means I found the balls to not delete it.


I have given up. 

I started posting her this summer after an occurance of many things trying to gain some sort of perspective, idea, know what I was doing wrong anything. Your responses were almost all identical in that nothing will change, I let these things happen, and one in particular I remember stating that "I obviously enjoy being hurt and will continue to let him do it"

I tried watching counseling videos with him. I've tried talking, most recently I tried unbiasedly putting out on the table what both of us want.

I have had my personal life plastered all over the county, my name slandered at my place of employment, people I don't even associate with telling my best friends mom about the horrible things my husband did to me (which i still don't know what she's talking about). 

I hear constantly about how I don't find him attractive and I don't show him affection, and right now, he's not wrong. He is right, I have completely shut him out. I gave up talking on car rides, because it leads to a fight, I only talk about things I know he likes because its the way we don't fight. I hear the worst things from my coworkers that he says about me. I get lectures every time I see one of my friends (which might be once a month) about how I don't ever want to see him, I get called that lovely C-word. and it always turns into I make things this way, its my fault. As I see it these are my current "rules"

1)I am not supposed to have friends.
2)I am supposed to be the only one to take care of the house/pets/money/problems
3)I am not supposed to expect anything out of him
4)I am supposed to make sure he's completely sexually satisfied.

is this unrealistic? maybe, maybe not. I've walked into work to questioning from my coworkers about why I am so horrible to him, his family no longer bothers talking to me, and his friends come before me. All my knowledge is used as his own and discredited, and if I correct him, or claim it, I get ripped apart for always having to be right and knowing everything. I've been belittled infront of our friends because he did laundry once. 

And I've tried explaining that all I want is for him to show me he's going to be able to work WITH me together, to dig ourselves out of the debt he created and move past where we are right now in life. which he repeated back to me as "oh, so you can't love me over finances? then why even bother trying"

everything ends with, why bother trying? I feel like the order of importance to him is his smoking, his friends, his ego and appearance to people socially, and then me.

So I've given up. I have spent the past months dealing with EAs, being told Im insane, uncovering lie after lie, and nothing but fight after fight, and mis understanding after mis understanding. I'm not even important enough for him to decide to stay home when he has to pick me up from work at 8am. Instead, he went out drinking with his buddies and left me at work with no way home, until I woke my best friend up to come get me..I got home from work an hour and a half after I got out. because "you know how it is, you just can't tell your buddies no"

It all relates to sex currently, and I've read and seen that sex=love to men. I've also tried to explain to him, that my sexual desire is squashed by his behavior. I can't bring myself to have sex with a guy who I feel only married me because I willingly take care of him, and every single other aspect of our life, and in turn, still ranks other things higher than me, AND makes me look like the bad guy to any/everyone he can. Ive had customers refuse to let me wait on them, customers I've never met, but are always in on his shifts.

So, since I have my 4-legged babies to consider, I've sent out a resume to my mom, who is plugging them in to jobs. I have no car, the one I do have, my husband lost both sets of keys to and on top of that, its so rotted it won't pass inspection this month anyways. A job at my moms employer means, income to keep my babies fed and cared for, to replace a car, health insurance, and a ride into work, as well as a trailor for myself and my animal kids. (who are not an option, are not going anywhere, and are not rehomeable.. indefinately.)

when I look at all this, I don't understand why I've lingered. But I also don't understand how someone can slaughter my name to everyone I know like that, and then come home and tell me how in love with me they are. 

So I guess this was more of a confession, or me getting it off my chest than asking for anything. although, thoughts or comments wouldn't go unappreciated. 

I'm just not sure what else to do, and I can't keep living like this..and he won't try..anything.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

You need to leave. he is abusive and has no respect for you or your feelings. you have tried to many times - be strong - walk away!


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> You need to leave. he is abusive and has no respect for you or your feelings. you have tried to many times - be strong - walk away!


How long have you been married? This sounds like one of the roughest situations I've ever heard of...I'm praying wisdom for you. Please know that you are of great value, you are loved and God wants peace for you. He planned you, He created you, He does not want His daughter to be treated like this. Ask for His guidance and strength. You are so going on my prayer list. :hugs


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## cayest (Feb 4, 2010)

Ditto to the two posters above. You're worth more than this! You need to get out of this situation!


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

I think making the decision to leave is the hardest part. Once you do that, and stick with it , things get easier. Trust me, I have been there before. If you know it is the right thing to do, just move on. It will get easier with time.

And kudos to you for making sure your 4 legged babies are taken care of. So many people are so quick to ditch them when things get hard. You clearly take your committment their quality of life seriously.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

deb9017 said:


> And kudos to you for making sure your 4 legged babies are taken care of. So many people are so quick to ditch them when things get hard. You clearly take your committment their quality of life seriously.


Ha..all I ever hear about is how I love my animals more than him, how they eat better than we do, how much money they cost, theres more of a chance of hell freezing over than me giving them the boot, if nothing else than out of spite. (but we won't get into what a princess my cat is, or how they're all in here with me now napping)

I honestly didn't expect anyone to respond, so thanks for the responses. After my past monday night, I gave it a few days, and finally have requested we discuss the last fight we had. so lets hope here that a mutual something can be reached calmly, witout adding insult to injury..my goal is to suggest some time apart, and work from there. there has to be a "right" way to handle it..right?


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Let us know how it goes, praying for you. :hug


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

It didn't go.

I slept all day after working all night, to awake to his friend walking through the door instead. He thought I needed to sleep.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

:hug I like your idea of waiting for a calm time to discuss things.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

yeah, except the thing is, I do this every time. 

here's whats going to happen, I'm going to open conversation and try to state my feelings or what I see as the problems. I even will use things like "I feel like" or "it makes me feel" instead of "you are a lazy pot smoking liar with no ambition who has no will to do anything to keep me around because its easier to make everyone who cares about me pitty you and hate me instead" (ok, I added SOME extra in there)

So I'll start any how, present the issues. He'll say I know, or ok.

then, I'll ask for his thoughts, and he'll tell me he has none. I will try every way around the bush, explain that we need to be able to talk these things out instead of screaming, and he'll respond with "what do you want me to say" and give me a sad face. 

at that point, theres nothing left. But I will still try, because tirelessly i attempt honest communication. he'll tire of stonewalling or asking what I want to hear and getting the same response from me, and it turns into a fight. starting with something tiny and petty he'll throw out just to ignite my flame, and it just goes from there.

So really, nothing is going to come from it. In the meantime Mr. wonderful is back, and its killing me, because every time he does it, I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth for even considering we may need to part ways. 

this is the part where I find a wall, and bang my head into it.

one of these days, I'm going to knock the sense back into me, I just know it.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Yes you said it and if he is like my H nothing is going to work even when you wait for a calm time to talk to him it is going to turn into fight and blaming you for everything

I left my H after 28 years of marriage (i don't know how long have you being married) i gave him all kind of time and chances nothing change and i am still blamed for everything bad in his life
I moved out 4 months ago and filed for divorce He told everyone i know that i left him for someone else and it is nothing wrong with him he loves me and still want me in his life but for some reason i left him after all these years
now he is growing his beard and not taking care of himself showing everyone that he is the victim so they will feel pity for him especially if they see me taking care of myself and feeling better 

So yes CLucas976 take care of yourself and don't wait more time you deserve better life and if he is going to change it is maybe possible after you leave him


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Kind of nice to know someone else has dealt with it.

I feel like I'm freaking insane. I really do. We go from fighting, to him waking up the next morning lovey dovey. 

It's driving me nuts, we said horrible things to eachother monday, horrible.. he got me so angry I told him he was a complete waste of my effing time and that he should just leave if Im not worth it. I also almost threw my coffee table at him..

that, is not me. I don't get that angry, and the mean hurtful things he said in response AND to get me to that point, we really need to sort out our issues before it gets even worse.

but no, he acts like it never happened and everything is perfect. So here I am the bad guy again, trying to find the exact right timing to bring it up and try to sort it out peacefully.

erm. We've been together over 5yrs now, and married a year and a half. the sad thing is, all this errupted and everything was exposed starting in june this year, before that I was clueless and happy.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Oh my dear what you are experiencing is the cycle of abuse i spent years beating myself thinking trying to find a way to fix things because my H was so nice when he is calm he was extremely nice with strangers was asking myself why me what have i done wrong what should i do to change the situation 
When i started reading about abuse i learned that it is him not me my fault was being as enabler to allow him to treat me like that

If you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT inside the minds of angry and controlling men You will find your H there and you will find the answers of your questions..


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