# Bad Week



## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi everyone. I'm having a really but week; I would say probably the worst since Dday 3 months ago!! Can't pin point what's triggered it because things are good with my hubby. I don't seem to be able to stop thinking what they got upto, said about me, why I didn't put my foot down when I suspected that there was something going on; perhaps it could have stopped them meeting up eventually?! Can't stop thinking about their chats I read the list goes on!! You see, we are going away with other families this morning for a long weekend, so I'm thinking is he gonna start chatting other women up, ignore me and leaving feeling sorry fir my self? Although, the resort we are going to is a very family oriented place!! I know he made a huge mistake and really I am satisfied that he's sorry but I feel like I've got to protect myself! How do I relax and ease my mind guys? Please advise, I want us and our kids have a great time. It's crazy because he's not a bad/nasty person as I keep saying what really went on in his head to have gone off and cheated on me? This man leaved for me and the kids nothing over the 16 years together!! Aaaaargh!


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Dear Kindone,
I'm sorry to hear you are having such a rough week. I don't think any BS can ever be prepared for the trauma that betrayal causes. It is truly life-altering. But as for the obsessive thinking about what you could have done to stop the affair... my answer is nothing. We can never control another person no matter how hard we try. They do what they want because they want to do it. Unfortunately, you have to suffer the consequences. But please do not beat yourself up that you could have stopped this because frankly you were not consulted when he made his decision to behave inappropriately.

I hope fervently that your long weekend is successful and restorative and that it goes a long way toward healing your heart and marriage. Sending positive thoughts your way.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Thank you very punkinhead. Uplifting words indeed. You are so right, I was never consulted so there was no way I could have any input in the decision making! I'm sure the weekend will go well.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It's going to take time. I wish there were a way to make those thoughts go away, but there's not. After 5 years I still have thoughts about the betrayal. Those thoughts (& preoccupation with them) become less intense with time. You may want to seek counseling. I spent 2 years in counseling and benefited greatly from it.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

3 months, it is still very raw.

The best thing you can do IMO is to tell him your worries, what you are scared of, and what he can do to make you feel safe and secure on your weekend away. Hopefully, you should only have to tell him how you feel and he will come up with the last bit - what he can do to help - on his own. Or he will ask you what he can do to help. This should solve your problem. 

I know exactly how you feel, at least I think I do, total panic. And more. Voice your worries.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It's so hard to feel SAFE again. That's the trauma part - it feels like an earthquake has shaken the whole foundation of our lives, and we don't know if another one is coming or when, so we're fearful and uncertain.

But, like an earthquake, YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY CONTROL. He did it, and you are suffering the consequences, and healing takes TIME. It's so hard to be patient, but we all have to expect these rough patches as we go through this journey. Just knowing that these are coming has helped me, because I tell myself, "This too shall pass." And I've warned my WS, too. Because I don't want either of us to get discouraged. It isn't going to be easy!

You can tell him you need some extra reassurance, be it verbally or in hugs or by being around you most of the time - whatever YOU need to feel better. You might ask him to check in with you when he's not around you - my WS has sent me photos from his cellphone when he's gone somewhere without me so I've seen that he's at the meeting that he said he was going to. It's OK to ask for the sort of reassurance that YOU would like.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Hang in there kindone, your still early into this. Obsessive thinking is just part of it all. It will calm over time. Your doing as good as could be expected considering what you are dealing with. 

Hope your weekend goes well.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hey, three months is nothing. You are in the middle of shock and grief and betrayal. I have always found it helps to just come right out and tell your spouse what is bothering you. 

If you aren't with him, text him. Get it off your chest. 

It takes a long, long time to begin to start to get used to the feelings. Allow yourself the time to feel bad. You need it.

Keep posting; that helps too.


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## Kindone (Mar 14, 2013)

Guys you are so great, thanks again! I thought I would let you know how the weekend went. Everything went great; I took up your advice and told my H what my concerns/worries were. He really did step us; not once did I feel unease. Things are good but of course the damage has been done and I know I need to accept and deal with it. Since the day I found out I spent so much time looking for some kind of a support group and 2 weeks ago I found you! Interestingly, when I couldn't find anyone to talk to or simply couldn't talk to my friends, I told my H and he signed posted me to this forum!! At this point I was going mad and getting too desperate; I hadn't told anyone about my problems not even my mum whom i'm so close to!! It was killing me inside. I will always be grateful/thankful to this group; you've saved my life cheesy it may sound but it's true. Thanks again and I truly hope we will all arrive at that right place we want and deserve to be.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It's not cheesy at all. I feel the same way. Nobody understands like the people here. It has helped me tremendously too! Glad the weekend went well.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Kindone said:


> I will always be grateful/thankful to this group; you've saved my life cheesy it may sound but it's true.


:iagree: The people here truly saved my life. I was looking with interest at the concrete wall along the interstate.


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