# Advice for men: How to get more sex from your wife



## mazinga_zed (Oct 5, 2009)

Just thought that I would share some of my thoughts and experience with the guys on here.

My background, I have been married for 5 years. Over all I would characterize my marriage as being extremely happy and full-filling. We do not have any kids, but we both work long hours and are dedicated to our careers. Like many couples in our position finding the time and energy for sex can be a challenge.

Guys, you will read a lot of advice on marriage and relationship from girls. I bet you're just like me, always scratching your head wondering what do they actually means. See the problem with most advice from women is that it's in girl code, vague and nuanced, full of suggestion and very little of it actionable. Guys are straight forward and just want advice they can put into action and get results. So guys here are some ideas. Hope this helps.

*1. Stop Being A Selfish Cry Baby*
Is that straight forward and actionable enough? I have read so many posts on here from guys complaining that their wife doesn't initiate sex enough. Well get over it. She is not going to. Be a man and take control. Do not be ashamed of it. Don't let all this modern talk about sharing responsibility fool you into thinking that somehow this means that your wife is going to be the one to ask you for sex. Maybe at first, but after two, three, four, five years of marriage. You need to get real.

Make a mental commitment to be the leader. Be the sexual predator that you are. Tap into that inner hunter. The one that got excited when you went out to bars, got drunk and didn't score. Probably ever.

Be that guy again. Except now your pray is your wife. You need to be smart. Be cunning. Use every trick in your play book to capture your pray. This is the mindset that you need. Without this mental approach any other advice will be just a waste of time.

*2. Get Romantic*
No this is not some vague girl talk. It's serious guy stuff. How does a real guy get romantic? It's so easy. The next time she makes you go to the drugstore to pick up tooth paste, buy her some cheap earrings. If you're super clueless about what to get her, ask the cutest girl in the entire place to help you. The shop clerk will be so touched at your thoughtfulness that she will burst. This in turn will in turn make you feel like a real man and boost your confidence.

Now this is very, very important. Peel the price tag off. Later that night, after dinner, pull the jewelry out of your pocket and just whisper to her - hey I got you a little something today. 

Score: Sex that night! Or cash in your chips for sex that weekend.

*3. Get in Shape*
Women care about looks. Just not as much as guys do. If you're out shape, start hitting the gym again. Go running, do something athletic. It will make you feel great and improve your looks. After 4 or 5 weeks I promise your wife will notice. If you start to take your health and fitness seriously so will your wife. If she is out of shape and not eating correctly - you need to take the lead. Be the man in the relationship. You should be the one, to cut back alcohol, stop smoking, eat better, and exercise regularly. Do not be critical of her and make her feel bad for being a bit over weight, or eating poorly. Just simply start doing it.

Score: 2 points towards sex for each week you look better and better.

*4. Set a Weekly Date Night*
This one has worked great for us. We have a planned date night once a week. Tuesday, because we think that the service at a good restaurant is usually the best on a Tuesday. Make it special by getting dressed up. Women all love to get dressed up and go out.

Now this is the part where most people fall down. During the dinner don't talk about work, or anything negative and stressful. You want to set a mood. Be a gentleman. Talk about your next vacation, or the first time you met, or the best time you had sex, anything other than the your day to day lives. This time is for you. If you have important things that you need to discuss, set a different time for that.

Guys don't fall into the girl trap of you both working together to decide where to go and eat. Be the man. You should pick a place that you think she will love and that is not a bar. If you really can't figure out where to take her, ask her friends, or use the internet to find a romantic place. It will not be romantic if you don't take charge and use this an opportunity to sweep her off her feet. She will like anywhere that you take her. It's about your being confident and in charge. Not about the food.

Score: If you get done early enough, sex that night.

*5. Be Understanding and Patient*
This is the hardest one. People go through phases. Things get tough. Not every date is going to work out, not every jewelry purchase will mean anal sex night. It's just like when you were single. Sometimes things are just not going to go your way, that's OK. Just roll with it.

Want more ideas? I have tons. I try to surprise my wife and make her cry at least one month. Usually it works.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Men, these are actually a lot of great ideas. I wish my husband did any of these


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Gunna email this to my husband STAT.

:smthumbup: Every little hint helps.

Blaze


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## Broken Hearted (Sep 29, 2009)

OH YEAH!!! Finally someone who gets us women...


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## mazinga_zed (Oct 5, 2009)

I am glad that people like what I wrote. I think that all the talk about equality has really confused men so much, that they don't know what do any more. Guys should not be ashamed to be a man. You should be confident. Speak up and take charge. But you need to do it in a respectful and honorable manner.

Guys, it's all really straight forward. Women want a man who is confident and not afraid to go after what he wants. Why do you think total douches get so many girls? Because confidence is valued even MORE than not being an a-hole.

You can and will get whatever you want from a woman, you just need to know how to ask for it.


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## Broken Hearted (Sep 29, 2009)

Women really do like confident men with a take charge attitude. It makes us feel sexy and desired. Of course I know men enjoy feeling desired as well. So to all you girls reading this, be an example to your man. Be confident and don't be afraid to let them knoe EXACTLY what turns you on and then, return the favor.


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## mazinga_zed (Oct 5, 2009)

Here are more ways to be romantic for guys. I have field tested these all for you. Guaranteed to work.

*Window Shopping To Make You Bedroom Dreams Come True.*
I am sure that you end up bored out of your mind at the mall on the weekend in a crappy store that is so poorly designed they don't provide seats for dudes. This is why they invented the iPhone.

The next time she is torturing you with this. Make a note on your iPhone of some very special item that she likes. It can be anything. Usually it's expensive. Don't be too obvious. Now later during the week, or before a special occasion - buy that thing that she wanted but couldn't afford. I usually wait until it's on sale. I even tell the sales clerks, "It's a super special gift for my wife" and sometimes it's possible to get a) discount, b) more free stuff or c) awesome packaging.

Now hide the package at work. When the time comes surprise her with the special gift. I promise she will cry on the spot, ruin her make up and never ever forget that day. Be sure to casually mention that you're looking forward to spending THAT evening together, just the two of you. If not that night, make sure that she agrees to what night it is. This way she can return the favor (Caution: Don't mention returning the favor. It's implied. Trust me.)

Score: You're a god damn stud. You get to rock her world in whatever way you choose! Use this to make your bedroom dreams come true.

*Cook Dinner For Her*
This one is really obvious and straight forward. Cook dinner for her. I usually do this on Valentine's Day because restaurants suck on that day. Cook something simple like pasta. You can buy all the stuff ready to go at the grocery store - you just need to be able to boil water, and heat up the pasta sauce. Get some red wine, or champagne as well. She will be in heaven. Bonus points for both of you eating naked.

Score: This is easy to do and should get you laid.

*Secret Chocolate*
Money got tight for us recently so no more crazy gifts from the mall. She knows this and knows that my cash is low. But still loves me. So my new trick was that on a random night, we both were working late, and both ate dinner at work. On the way home I stop off and bought her some chocolate from a specialty store. But I only got the smallest box that contains two chocolates, one for me and one for her. When I got home she was watching TV not really expecting anything and I just said, here I got you a gift. She cried right there. I didn't expect that one.

Score: We both were tired and went to bed. But the weekend was great.

*Don't Take No For An Answer*
I normally would not give advice like this. But since this is your wife, it's OK to sometimes not take no for answer. If she works hard, has kids, a busy job, or both always let her go to bed on time. Rest seems to be more important for women than men.

But on the weekend, if she is giving you the "It's too hot, too cold, too soft, too hard" goldilocks routine. Just be a man and look into her eyes and tell her how much you really, really want her, and mean it! Don't take no for an answer. Remember back at the bar, when the girl told you she had a boyfriend, and was testing you? It's the same deal now. Be confident and take her right then and there. Don't back down and feel sorry for yourself, just keep coaxing her on. I love you, I want you, I want you now etc. Keep going until you get it. Do not be a baby and sulk. Just be a man. If she really, truly insists that now is not the time, then make her give you a time and place. Just like dating. Don't accept a vague answer. Pin her down like, "tonight in the wash room when the kids are a sleep me and you."

Score: Worked the other day for me. My wife even told me that she liked it that I wouldn't give up.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A great list. A few refinements/additions. I am in year 20, and would described my marriage the same way - 3 kids. 

1. Don't be a selfish crybaby 

One example of this is - if you KNOW your wife had a tough day or that something is really "off" mask your desire. Even if you could talk her into it, that is not playing nice and she will resent it and you. Completely mask your sexual desire and amplify your nice guy behavior. Be a little extra helpful, a little extra nice. 

Teach her that you can completely separate affection and sex. That way - she had a tough day - you say lie down I am going to give you a massage - she knows you are just giving her a massage and it is not an attempt at foreplay. 

Projecting your need for sex when she is tired/not feeling well is being a selfish crybaby. 

DO be a hunter. On any given night be a sport about the lack of sex. However, if there is a bad pattern emerging and she starts giving your needs a low priority - that needs to be a addressed. And NOT in a whiny way. Very simple:

I know you used to have more desire for me. What am I doing and possibly what are we doing that is making sex a lower priority? Do you think I am not making your needs a high priority in our marriage?

Yes - you the man have to stay fit. That is not optional. Non fat fit is good. Muscular fit is better. However - if your spouse stops exercising two things happen - the good hormones that help her libido disappear AND if she feels overweight out of shape and NOT SEXY, that will also lower her drive. You need to be a good partner and encourage her to be active with you. And help both of you eat healthier. All statements about this stuff start with: It is good for our marriage if WE do more or less of this/that/the other thing. 

>>>>>>>>.
While it is BAD to be whiny about sex on any given night. It is spineless to allow your needs to be blown off/ignored or worse for your wife to attack you for addressing sexual desire imbalances. Don't attack her, but don't let her attack you, shut you down or you will be in a really bad spot. 



mazinga_zed said:


> Just thought that I would share some of my thoughts and experience with the guys on here.
> 
> My background, I have been married for 5 years. Over all I would characterize my marriage as being extremely happy and full-filling. We do not have any kids, but we both work long hours and are dedicated to our careers. Like many couples in our position finding the time and energy for sex can be a challenge.
> 
> ...


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## JamesM (Sep 17, 2009)

mazinga_zed said:


> Just thought that I would share some of my thoughts and experience with the guys on here.
> 
> My background, *I have been married for 5 years. *Over all I would characterize my marriage as being extremely happy and full-filling. *We do not have any kids*, but we both work long hours and are dedicated to our careers. Like many couples in our position finding the time and energy for sex can be a challenge.


And then there were kids. 

Three things popped out at me, and they are not meant to minimize your list because I can say that at your stage of marriage, I found them to work very well. (My nieces still refer to me as their romantic uncle.)

1. You have been married 5 years.
2. You have no children.
3. You never mentioned...be a friend and a listener. Give her time.

The children factor will make a difference. And it will do so in many ways unknown to you yet. 

My own marriage is not filled with sex and I can say that having done every one of those things many times over, it doesn't always even score you points...let alone get you sex. Yes, in the early years, those romantic gestures went a long ways. And we had sex so often as compared to now that I wish I never took it for granted. Sadly, many women (and not just my wife) begin to take these gestures for granted, too. 

Now a day, I could easily do many of those gestures that should get me a point or two and even sex...yet when the time is right, it won't happen. Even when we were much more sexual, the most important gesture that can be made is simply being a friend and a listener. Put aside the remote and stay away from the computer. Make a cup of coffee and sit back and simply listen. I have found that this more than anything has given me points. It is like building up the bank account. 

I cook more meals now than I did when we were married at five years (and we had no children then either). I do laundry every week. I do dishes every night. I clean house when it is necessary. I pick up a little gift probably once a week. And yes, she likes them. 

Back when I was as you, I did even more. One thing that isn't included is...do up her birthday so well that she will be telling her friends for years. For my wife's 30th, I had hotel and restaurant reserved, I had a limo rented, I had clothes bought, and many gifts waiting for her. All of this without her knowledge. And for her 35th, this was done again at a motel five hours away....thanks to a girl there who thought it was so romantic. (This was before internet and cell phones were around. It made it much more difficult). My wife's 40th was when we had children, so that type of trip was not possible. But then she received a "tennis bracelet" that she always wanted. And then what makes the difference is how her children do her birthday. She thinks it is special when I take the kids out and shop for her. They love it and she loves it.

Anyhow, good ideas, but as the years go bye, this list needs to be refined for the changes that will surely come.

Mem11363 is right. Keeping fit is important, but IMO it is not simply for an outward appearance as much as it is for your inner confidence and energy level. Gaining weight brings depression and a lack of motivation. Wives will still love YOU but you will lose the energy to "pursue" her.

Keep doing every point mentioned and when nothing happens, refer to the one that says "Be patient." And being patient means that you may have to wait months even years for the sex to return. It will also mean that as circumstances change (ie she gets a physical ailment) you will change how you "woo" her. 

Love her for who she is and less for what she gives.

Just my 2c from a different point in life.


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## wheresthelove (Dec 21, 2008)

Standing ovation for you men!! This is an amazing thread full of great advice, tips and ideas. Heart felt thanks to the original poster. 

James I think for me you put it best "love her" whether she can give you what you need or want do you genuinely love her? Can you be patient and wait? Can you romance her and shower her with your love? At the end of the night/week etc. do you still love your wife and does she know it?

LOVE HER!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I agree, Marriageman. Plus, it is fun to initiate!


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## mazinga_zed (Oct 5, 2009)

marriageman said:


> If the husband is the only one to ever initiate sex then there's a problem. Maybe she's too programmed and brainwashed by a childhood telling her what "good girls" do and don't do. Men aren't told that as much growing up about being a man.


It seems that you do agree that this is they TYPICAL situation and that your experience is ATYPICAL. 



marriageman said:


> There's nothing unmanly or selfish about a husband expecting his wife to initiate sex some of the time. Husbands like to have sexual interest shown to them as well. My wife initiates about 40 percent of the time. I would say half but I want to be conservative. We both enjoy sex with each other and it's nothing for one of us to take the other by the hand to bed, or reach into the pants of the other in a playful and sexual way in order to get things going.


Good for you! I think that this would make most men very happy. I just don't think it's the typical experience. I am also curious to know how long you have been married. This was how it was for me and wife for a few years. But the stress level and workload that she has now, make her extremely tired. Weekends are spent working or recharging. We really have to plan it out if we want to be intimate.



marriageman said:


> Men, don't buy into the notion that women aren't supposed to be sexually aggressive. A lot of sex is in our brains and women and men are often programmed to view sex in certain ways. If your wife is embarrassed to initiate or has another reason, help her overcome that. Talk about it. Tell her that you don't see her negatively when she initiates but that you feel the same positive things that she feels when you show interest in her.


This is good advice. But I still would advocate that men just be men and take charge. I read so many people advising others to talk about things. Which just sound like more vague girl talk to me. I am not convinced that talking is always a good way to handle things. Actions can sometimes speak louder than words.


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## mazinga_zed (Oct 5, 2009)

JamesM said:


> The children factor will make a difference. And it will do so in many ways unknown to you yet.


Agree 100% with this. We do not plan to have any kids.



JamesM said:


> My own marriage is not filled with sex and I can say that having done every one of those things many times over, it doesn't always even score you points...let alone get you sex. Yes, in the early years, those romantic gestures went a long ways. And we had sex so often as compared to now that I wish I never took it for granted. Sadly, many women (and not just my wife) begin to take these gestures for granted, too.
> 
> Now a day, I could easily do many of those gestures that should get me a point or two and even sex...yet when the time is right, it won't happen. Even when we were much more sexual, the most important gesture that can be made is simply being a friend and a listener. Put aside the remote and stay away from the computer. Make a cup of coffee and sit back and simply listen. I have found that this more than anything has given me points. It is like building up the bank account.


Listening? Do guys know how to do that? I am still struggling with this one myself.



JamesM said:


> Back when I was as you, I did even more. One thing that isn't included is...do up her birthday so well that she will be telling her friends for years. For my wife's 30th, I had hotel and restaurant reserved, I had a limo rented, I had clothes bought, and many gifts waiting for her. All of this without her knowledge. And for her 35th, this was done again at a motel five hours away....thanks to a girl there who thought it was so romantic. (This was before internet and cell phones were around. It made it much more difficult). My wife's 40th was when we had children, so that type of trip was not possible. But then she received a "tennis bracelet" that she always wanted. And then what makes the difference is how her children do her birthday. She thinks it is special when I take the kids out and shop for her. They love it and she loves it.


 U rock! High Five!



JamesM said:


> Anyhow, good ideas, but as the years go bye, this list needs to be refined for the changes that will surely come.


Would love to hear more on this as well.


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## JamesM (Sep 17, 2009)

mazinga_zed said:


> It seems that you do agree that this is they TYPICAL situation and that your experience is ATYPICAL.


It refers to the wife initiating sex.

Actually, when my wife was much more sexual and when she wanted sex, then I can say that at least half of the time, she initiated sex. Honestly, that to me is the way I knew that I "scored points." 

I could tell you of the stories of her waking me up in the middle of the night or simply taking me in the living room after the kids were in bed. In her case, she preferred that control, and me not being stupid, I found that it made it oh so much more exciting,

I don't know if we are atypical, but that is how I will know that she regained her interest in sex. She will initiate. 

The excitement of sex is tripled when the wife initiates IMO.


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

and the best tip of all, give her the screwing of a lifetime so she will come back begging for more......


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Very good list! My husband does some of these, but there are things on the list that I wish he'd do.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Sorry, but we have two kids (boys, ages 4 and 2) and they have not put a damper on our sex life at all. If anything, I think our kids make us feel even more connected sexually...we look at them and think "wow, we made them, all because we could not keep our hands off of each other..how amazing". Naptime, after they are tucked in bed, or in the middle of the night when one has awoken me and I have gotten them settled are prime sex-times in our house.We average sex 6-8 times a week, and thats not much of a variance from before kids. 
I initiate sex as much if not MORE some weeks than my H. He tells me sometimes I look at him like he is a pork- chop...LOL, but that he LOVES me viewing him as a sex object. I can say the same about him...I love getting that look from him...or him telling me i'm a hot librarian...but I guess i'm a bit of a different breed....sex to me is not a bargaining chip, a reward or something to be held over his head to initiate good behavior. Sex is wonderful, mind blowing and a near religious experience with my H...there is no way I would deprive either of us of the experience. I would be bored out of my skull if I thought that only he should initiate, just as I would be bored if I was the only one doing it. Lucky me, I was not brought up in a background that gave me hangups about sex...lots of women were, and it's hard to break that pattern.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I think another thing that would be helpful is for men to really understand how a woman's sexual arousal works. We can't (at least, I know I can't!) go from cold to hot and bothered in a manner of one minute. My husband still has a hard time understanding that. Women needs lots of foreplay to get relaxed and also for our bodies to get relaxed. Just because our minds are there doesn't mean our bodies are quite caught up!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

JamesM said:


> Love her for who she is and less for what she gives.
> 
> Just my 2c from a different point in life.


Look the other things you said were right on but this statement is the BIGGEST of them all.. Most marriages allow their feelings to be lead by what your spouse does for them. It is wrong.. If people lived by this 1 statement I bet divorces would be cut in half..


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

People put way too much thought into sex... I've read a lot of the advice on here for sexual problems and I'm always astounded by the way people try to pile so much baggage onto sex that the act itself isn't really able to handle it.

Two people no matter how much they're in love aren't going to be able to completly match their sexual desires. If both partners have to be equallly horny before you can have sex well someones going to be frustrated it's just a matter of mathematics.

If I'm horny I expect my husband to have sex with me... It can be tough for a bloke to perform if he's not totally into it but he ****ing married me and I consider it to be in the contract. That includes if he's tired stressed or whatever he's got some pride in himself and he doesn't make crappy excuses.

Likewise If my husband wants to have sex well as long as he doesn't expect some ecstatic act on my part it's not really a big imposition. I personally am not a fan of sex at stupid O' clock in the morning but as he has to go to work and I get to stay in bed well It would be cheekey to turn him down... Especially as I'm working at being able to sleep through it...

At the end of the day it's only sex... I actually blame chessey romantic movies for people's idiotic attitudes to it.


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## 3773519 (Sep 24, 2009)

I wish my manfriend would ask me sex. i actually am the one begging for it at all times. right now the last time i got sum was oct 10, it was my 26th birthday celebration, and today is oct 22. I am bout to hang myself if i continue to wait....i mean really..i am sexy 26 year old, who works, and the breadwinner(because im letting him go full time as a student so he can better himself) and mother of our 4 year old son. I support him all the time, and i try to keep my nagging to a minimum...but what the hell do i have to do to have this man after 7 years want to jump my bones!!! (can u sense the stress?)


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## confusedman (Oct 30, 2009)

If you want it every week and she wants it every month, what do you do?


:scratchhead:


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

confusedman said:


> If you want it every week and she wants it every month, what do you do?
> 
> 
> :scratchhead:


Give her what she needs outside of the bedroom


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## confusedman (Oct 30, 2009)

3773519 said:


> I wish my manfriend would ask me sex. i actually am the one begging for it at all times. right now the last time i got sum was oct 10, it was my 26th birthday celebration, and today is oct 22. I am bout to hang myself if i continue to wait....i mean really..i am sexy 26 year old, who works, and the breadwinner(because im letting him go full time as a student so he can better himself) and mother of our 4 year old son. I support him all the time, and i try to keep my nagging to a minimum...but what the hell do i have to do to have this man after 7 years want to jump my bones!!! (can u sense the stress?)


you are complaining because you have not had sex in 12 days??????? is that a problem?


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## confusedman (Oct 30, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Give her what she needs outside of the bedroom



I do.....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is the math - by the way for me - 5 days is the red zone - so on day 5, unless my wife has a migraine or something severe going on she takes me to bed and rocks my world. And we have been together 20 years. But I rock her world outside the bedroom on a daily basis. 

Why does your partner think sex is optional? Seriously. Why do you tolerate that? 

I would simply say - if you are not attracted to me, at least show me the respect to honestly say so. If it is just that you don't like my technique then you need to start talking because sexual starvation is not acceptable. 

But none of this works ball less. If you can't man up - and back up what you are saying. Meaning if you will stay no matter how badly you are treated, then don't bother. This stuff only works if you are willing to end it.











confusedman said:


> I do.....


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## confusedman (Oct 30, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> This is the math - by the way for me - 5 days is the red zone - so on day 5, unless my wife has a migraine or something severe going on she takes me to bed and rocks my world. And we have been together 20 years. But I rock her world outside the bedroom on a daily basis.
> 
> Why does your partner think sex is optional? Seriously. Why do you tolerate that?
> 
> ...


She does not think sex is optional....my drive has always been stronger than hers....and I love her too much to give her that kind of ultimatum....sex is impt, but there are other things that are even more impt.....and it is not a technique issue by any means......we both always get what we need....

so you have been having sex every 5 days for 20 years????????????????????/ amazing!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

In the beginning - our early years - we were late twenties. Lots of sex. 

Now late 40s - 2/week on average. When things are BAD, we drop down to once every 5 days - because that is my sort of minimum tolerable frequency. 

But I look at this different. We have about half lust sex and half love sex. So half the time her body is driving. And half the time it is simply about her desire to please me because she loves me. Just like I do tons of things to show my love for her. Sex is not in some sacred box - other then the fidelity part which we do treat as sacred in my house - different from all else. It is a special way to show love. She knows it is way more important to me than to her. And I know it too. So what. If connecting emotionally matters much more to her, does that mean I get to blow it off? Heck no. That would be being a bad partner. 

Don't get me wrong, if something bad is going on I suck it up and do so with a smile. But indifference is a totally different category. I just am not agreeable to having a core need treated lightly. 

And in fact plenty of nights she is "willing" but not enthusiastic and I tell her how much I love her, how grateful I am for her offering herself to me, and that I want to wait a day or two until maybe our desire levels are more closely matched. Happened last night just that way. I try really, really hard to follow the golden rule.



confusedman said:


> She does not think sex is optional....my drive has always been stronger than hers....and I love her too much to give her that kind of ultimatum....sex is impt, but there are other things that are even more impt.....and it is not a technique issue by any means......we both always get what we need....
> 
> so you have been having sex every 5 days for 20 years????????????????????/ amazing!


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## confusedman (Oct 30, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> In the beginning - our early years - we were late twenties. Lots of sex.
> 
> Now late 40s - 2/week on average. When things are BAD, we drop down to once every 5 days - because that is my sort of minimum tolerable frequency.
> 
> ...


One big difference...we are almost 60 so there are issues you guys have not dealt with yet.....

I a still laughing at "when things are BAD you only get it every 5 days"......


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

confusedman said:


> She does not think sex is optional....my drive has always been stronger than hers....and I love her too much to give her that kind of ultimatum....sex is impt, but there are other things that are even more impt.....and it is not a technique issue by any means......we both always get what we need....
> 
> so you have been having sex every 5 days for 20 years????????????????????/ amazing!


This is a good point. 

My wife and I make it a point to have physical/emotional intimacy time every other day at least. Sometimes it doesn't lead to orgasms but always making out, massage, rubbing, etc. Sometimes no penetration. When I'm stressed, an all-over body massage is sometimes all I want. And vice versa.

But if you talk about classical penetration/orgasm--then once a week is minimum--or we strive for that anyway. Sometimes more. Like MEM, I'm not shy about making it a priority for BOTH of us.

Been that way for 17 years.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One other blanket point. I optimized around being a good partner. No one is perfect but I tried to hit all the key areas. 
- Super emotionally supportive. 
- Fitness - about the same as at 27
- Effort to stay fun and adventurous. 
- Worked really hard so that we would not have financial stress. 
- Super affectionate non sexually 
- Almost never cling emotionally crowd her
- She is my highest priority and she knows that. 

All that creates a very loving environment. In both directions. 

Most guys are distraught about sex, aren't distraught about sex at all. We can all buy a copy sports illustrated bathing suit edition go in the bathroom. So that isn't it. Nope. Guys are actually saying - my wife doesn't love me as much as I love her, and as much as I want. It is that simple. 

By the way, while we have always had a lot of sex, we did not always have this much love. And in the years where we didn't the price of admission to the bedroom was high. I would get subtle and not so subtle snubs on the way in. Oh well - nothing is perfect, that was then this is now. 





MEM11363 said:


> In the beginning - our early years - we were late twenties. Lots of sex.
> 
> Now late 40s - 2/week on average. When things are BAD, we drop down to once every 5 days - because that is my sort of minimum tolerable frequency.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When our oldest child torments my wife - I give her the treatment - which is extra love, support, kindness and a long loving massage while we watch something on tv. There is no sex, no mention of sex and frankly if she asks me if I want her I make up some ludicrous and comical remark about why we can't - just to make her laugh and let her know that we are totally cool. 

We have had 2 arguments about sex this year. One because she was in a really bad mood about a paint color mistake she made and once because I was being a little selfish. Both lasted maybe 10 minutes. 

As for being 60 - I do not expect to stay at this frequency forever. Hell if we are connecting 2 or 3 times a month at 60 I think I will be happy. 






joevn said:


> This is a good point.
> 
> My wife and I make it a point to have physical/emotional intimacy time every other day at least. Sometimes it doesn't lead to orgasms but always making out, massage, rubbing, etc. Sometimes no penetration. When I'm stressed, an all-over body massage is sometimes all I want. And vice versa.
> 
> ...


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## confusedman (Oct 30, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> Sorry, but we have two kids (boys, ages 4 and 2) and they have not put a damper on our sex life at all. If anything, I think our kids make us feel even more connected sexually...we look at them and think "wow, we made them, all because we could not keep our hands off of each other..how amazing". Naptime, after they are tucked in bed, or in the middle of the night when one has awoken me and I have gotten them settled are prime sex-times in our house.We average sex 6-8 times a week, and thats not much of a variance from before kids.
> I initiate sex as much if not MORE some weeks than my H. He tells me sometimes I look at him like he is a pork- chop...LOL, but that he LOVES me viewing him as a sex object. I can say the same about him...I love getting that look from him...or him telling me i'm a hot librarian...but I guess i'm a bit of a different breed....sex to me is not a bargaining chip, a reward or something to be held over his head to initiate good behavior. Sex is wonderful, mind blowing and a near religious experience with my H...there is no way I would deprive either of us of the experience. I would be bored out of my skull if I thought that only he should initiate, just as I would be bored if I was the only one doing it. Lucky me, I was not brought up in a background that gave me hangups about sex...lots of women were, and it's hard to break that pattern.


you have sex 6-8 times a week and your husband is DEPRESSED???????????????????????


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## Mrsgomez (Oct 24, 2009)

the fact that a male actually posted this gives me hope ...not in my husband he won't change but at least i know not all of the men in this world are slime... 

ps. 

my husband spit in my face again today i wish i could get the strength, courage and money to leave for all you who think you have it bad you could have it worse.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Good luck - that is awful. 




Mrsgomez said:


> the fact that a male actually posted this gives me hope ...not in my husband he won't change but at least i know not all of the men in this world are slime...
> 
> ps.
> 
> my husband spit in my face again today i wish i could get the strength, courage and money to leave for all you who think you have it bad you could have it worse.


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## MrsSmith (Nov 10, 2009)

my husband initiates sex way more than I do Ill admit.. that is another problem entirly there.. but he doesnt do it in a passionate way.. he asks for itlike hes asking for the remote controll.. I do agree however Id want it more if he showed more passion when wanting it.. It would make me want t initiate it more as well..


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mrsSmith sounds like you have a partner that isn't concerned about your feelings and more concerned with himself. It's not a good relationship that way. Both sides should have respect for the other..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mrs Smith,
How often do you reject him?

Rejection is painful. He may ask in a remote control sort of way because he is trying to avoid the full pain of "no"

Are you attracted to him? Do you tell him that? I tell my wife she is beautiful a few times a week - and I mean it. And that she is hot, and I mean that too. 





MrsSmith said:


> my husband initiates sex way more than I do Ill admit.. that is another problem entirly there.. but he doesnt do it in a passionate way.. he asks for itlike hes asking for the remote controll.. I do agree however Id want it more if he showed more passion when wanting it.. It would make me want t initiate it more as well..


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> mrsSmith sounds like you have a partner that isn't concerned about your feelings and more concerned with himself. It's not a good relationship that way. Both sides should have respect for the other..


That could be it, or he just doesn't know any other way to ask.


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