# tricky situation



## gr15228 (Apr 12, 2015)

Hi,

Well got myself involved in a tricky situation and would appreciate peoples opinions and advice for both me and the girl in question.I will start with a little background.

I am a single 32 year old and she is a 22 year old (we will call her Jessica for the purpose of this post) who has been engaged for around a year. She currently has a morgage with her fiance who is 34 years old and they have been together for another 5 years.

In July this year the girl in question started at my work place and we immediately clicked. Within a couple of weeks we started texting as had common interests and before we knew it we were texting from the moment we woke up to the moment one of us went to bed and in between we spent the day together at work. Within a couple of months we both felt we had known each other for a long time.

We are perfect together and whenever we are together we are both very happy and always smiling and laughing. Colleagues at work have unknowing of the situation said we would make a great couple or dubbed us 'work husband and wife'.

The constant texting outside work went on for 3-4 months and then while I was staying in the city in a hotel where I work ( I commute 50 miles a day so don't work in the same city) I took Jessica out for a meal and a few drinks (her fiance knew about this) and after several hours drinking she made her way to my hotel room with a bottle of wine with me not having a clue what to do given her situation.

In the room we had a glass of wine and she came on to me and I pushed her off as I was worried this maybe purely down to the drink and didn't want to ruin a good friendship . At the same time we both told each other our feelings for each other and I couldn't believe this pretty,funny, gorgous 22 year old who I got on with so well wanted anything to do with me in any other way but friends.

She left the room about an hour after with nothing happening and my first response in the morning was to check she was ok and told her not to worry about it as she was drunk . She text back saying she had no regrets. Within 2 weeks we were going away for the night and we just grew closer and closer as time went on. 

Her relationship was well on the ropes before anything happened with me and her. She used to text me saying she is sat in a pub with him and there sat in silence as they have nothing to say to each other so nothing was perfect before all this.

Over the past few months we have tried and agreed to try not to talk and move on as we are constantly getting closer and either 1 of us buckle and contact the other. She has said on a number of occasions she is going to leave him etc and not followed up on her word with a variety of excuses.

The big stumbling block is she has struggled to get pregnant and is currently about to approach the next level of IVF or something similar (I won't pretend to fully understand all this). At 22 she seems to think this is her only hope of getting pregnant which in my eyes is crazy.Despite making other excuses why she hasn't left him she has admitted its almost solely down to the baby situation, because of the situation with the NHS in the UK and the guidelines in getting accepted for treatment she seems thinks now is the only opportunity to have a baby and is scared if she dosen't she will never me a mother. In my eyes she is basically using the guy as a sperm donor as she has accepted she won't be with him within a couple of years of the baby being born anyway so even though I don't like the guy or how he treats her it is unfair on him.

Her fiance knows they have nothing left in the relationship and has turned into a control freak where he is constantly texting her when he is not with her. On her lunch break she will receive numerous texts etc and he is constantly pushing pressure on her and knows the only thing they have left is the baby dream and seems to use this as a rope to tie her down as he is under some false illusion that if she gets pregnant that they will live happily ever after. I was under the impression this has happened over the last few months but the more I hear from her it sounds like it has gone on for there entire relationship.

I do fear for her if she stays with him as I can only see his controlling instincts getting worse as he seems to have no respect for her wishes in life and she even accepted he would be happy to see her have an unhappy life if it meant she stays with him and a major car crash will happen in her life in the coming years which makes me terribly sad.

His adverse behaviour includes criticising her facebook profile for not having enough photos and posts with him involved, going through her bank statements, going through her phone on numerous occasions . Most recently he caused a huge issue as she added a guy on facebook she met at a casino. He seems to want to control every aspect of her life and I am scared for her future. He is constantly drumming into her that he is the only man she can ever be with and no other man can replace him etc. She is very unhappy with him.

If she goes through with the baby thing and gets pregnant what innevitably will happen is she will end up a single mum, him a weekend day and what sort of planning or relationship is it to bring a happy baby into the world. I have no doubts for the babys safety and she would be a great mum but whoever she ended up with her current fiance would resent it and always be a thorn in her life. She has accepted all this.

The other issue is there morgage, unfortunately she put 35000 into the morgage and he put 2000 in so she is clearly worried about that to. How she let herself sign up to a morgage like that I have no ideas but theres little she can do.

It breaks my heart every day that she is about to ruin her life with this loser and especially if a baby gets brought into this whole mess. I am not trying to take his place and actually recommended she takes a break if/when she does split with him as I just want her to be happy. 

I have tried to walk away and relocate jobs within the company but hasn't been possible and on 1 side of the coin I want to leave her car crash life to her and I get on with mine but how can I let that happen to someone I truly love and what sort of man would that make me. She says she loves me and I make her happy but this has been going on for 5 months so how much longer can it carry on. I have questioned to myself and now her that she is completely messing me around and its some game but i'm certain its not the case.

I would appreciate any advise for myself or to give to her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is nothing 'tricky' about this situation. 

Man up and tell her that she MUST make a choice:

Choosing you means: 
- Ending her engagement, moving out the house and extricate herself financially - if she has equity in the house this will be complicated but it can be done. 
- Going 'NC' - NO communication with her fiancé - clean break 
- Accept that she may have to start over with NHS. If she is 22 - you two have LOTS of time to make babies. 

Until she makes THAT choice YOU: 
- Do a total NC with her until she picks you - meaning the NEXT communication you accept from her will be that she has done the stuff above
- Tell her you have no idea how long you will wait for her - but it won't be long at all if she keeps trying to make a baby with her fiancé. 







gr15228 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Well got myself involved in a tricky situation and would appreciate peoples opinions and advice for both me and the girl in question.I will start with a little background.
> 
> ...


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## gr15228 (Apr 12, 2015)

I have tried to do this MEM and I don't think she is capable of standing up to her fiance. She did try and say they should delay the baby stuff as there both clearly not getting along with it but he isn't having any of it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Actually, why would you want this woman? She's a train wreck and a cheater. 

Forget her, and go get some counseling to determin why you are attracted to women who are unavailable.

The rest of it is really none of your business. That's between her and her Fiancee and you can't control any of it. 

You can't fix her or her problems. All you are doing is wasting time that you could be meeting someone of quality. 

And really, if she's trying to have a baby then she's very unlikely to leave this guy in the near future.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

gr15228 said:


> I have tried to do this MEM and *I don't think she is capable of standing up to her fiance.* She did try and say they should delay the baby stuff as there both clearly not getting along with it but he isn't having any of it.


It doesn't sound to me like you have tried to really fully do what Mem suggested. The bolded section is conjecture not the result of going no contact.

You need to lay it on the line and have nothing more todo until its fully resolved.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

gr15228 said:


> I have tried to do this MEM and I don't think she is capable of standing up to her fiance. She did try and say they should delay the baby stuff as there both clearly not getting along with it but he isn't having any of it.


Again, this isn't your business or your problem.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Your mind is not thinking properly. 

This girl tried to cheat on her fiance. This girl's fiance is going to flip out if he finds out about you and her being more than what he thinks. And in 5 years from now, if you have nothing to say to her, *which will happen*, she will get her emotional needs from another man.

This is not a tricky situation. This is you not seeing clearly.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

GR,

This isn't about HER. This isn't about her FIANCÉ. 

This is solely about YOU. Either you're a MAN, and you show that by your actions. Or you're not yet a man. 

Go read my post again. Stop redirecting the focus of this conversation to other people's behavior. 

If she really loves you, she'll leave him for you. If not. Then not. 





gr15228 said:


> I have tried to do this MEM and I don't think she is capable of standing up to her fiance. She did try and say they should delay the baby stuff as there both clearly not getting along with it but he isn't having any of it.


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Did you really just say that her fiancé doesn't have any respect for HER..? Pfft! She doesn't have any respect for HIM! 
She is planning on having a baby with this guy...but she is having an emotional affair with you...and plans to leave him soon after their' baby is born....
My Lord! Get a grip on yourself! This woman is a DISASTER!!! Smh...
Evie


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Dump her, she is too young to settle down and she is a cheater. You will never be able to trust her. How many other men did she meet at a hotel with a bottle of wine? Don't be naïve, when a women goes to your hotel room with wine you knew what she has in mind. She sounds like she is using her fiancé and that's what she will do to you if you got together with her.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> It breaks my heart every day that she is about to ruin her life with this loser and especially if a baby gets brought into this whole mess.


Don't be the White Knight riding in to save the damsel who knows no better. It does not work. With the added propensity to cheat this is a loser of tricky situation.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Cheating with a person already in a relationship isn't cool. Yes, she's cheating on her fiance and you are the 'other man'. How does that make you feel? You are making this tricky because you say you both have feelings for each other and you want her. Yet, she won't leave her fiance for you, and probably never will - even if she ends up in a miserable marriage. That is her choice and you have no say in that. Don't wait around for the slight possibility she'll leave him. Besides, she's already proven that she'll have sex with someone else while in a committed relationship. Do you want to be with someone like that? 

Move on and find a stable, available woman.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If you start something while in a relationship, you will never know if that relationship will have a solid foundation. If she can act like this while being in a relationship, what is to stop her from breaking boundaries the next time around? Nothing.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

She's cheating on her fiance. What makes you believe that you are that special someone? Also, you shouldn't believe her complaints. If she had valid complaints she would have left already. The fact is that she is cake eating and you're feeding her needs.

This one is on you...like MEM says...man up.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Leave this chick alone....she is a train wreck at 22.

You are not Captain-Save-A-Hoe...her problems are her own. The "controlling fiancee" is really a man trying to figure out what is up with his woman (albeit, he may be going about it the wrong way). She has surely made herself into this big ole victim just for you, because that's the way you like it.

Walk away from this girl (because she is just that by her actions), block her from contacting you. You will thank us later for that....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So, she was underage when she got together with this guy? Perhaps she is acting out now because she was groomed by him and assaulted......


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Her fiance isnt abusive, he is doing the things he does because is fiancee is cheating on him with *YOU*!!!

*DUH!!!*




This woman isnt worth the time of day, gather up some self respect and find someone normal and available!


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