# Any guys have a similar experience? Any guidance or help wold be great.



## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

I posted this on the other forum but decided that I just want to know if anybody else has had a similar experience or a wife that acted the same way.

I discharged from the Navy 3 years ago (because my wife said it would kill our marriage) and had many job opportunities. After numerous discussions, we chose to move to CT. Now this was literally the first time my wife moved away from her home town. In fact it was the first time she moved farther than 10 minutes from her parents. She couldn't and still hasn't found full time work. She is a college professor (MA in English). She says she hates it here. The people are mean. She can't make friends (but she has numerous). Then she changed it to she can't make friends like she has back in Virginia. Well about 7 months ago she cheated on me. She re-acquainted herself with an old friend on FB and then planned to meet with him on a trip back home. That hurt, especially after she broke the news to me. She blamed it on me and my unwillingness to be open over the last few years. She pretty much has severed all ties with him. She occasionally bumps into him when she visits home (his band plays at places her friends visit). She always lets me know and says it's never more than a hello. I believer her (the guy is a man ***** and uses woman......well duh, huh).

Fast forward to now. She is constantly on FB, her phone, BBM or text messaging her friends from VA. All she talks about is how VA is home and this place sucks. Which it really doesn't because we make a great living, the kids are doing well, and she does have friends...friends who are trying even harder now to reach out and do things. But she just wants to message and FB her friends in VA. She is always going back (once every other month) to "spend time with her parents". But she barely sees her parents and spend it all with her girlfriends staying out until 7 or 8am.

She says she doesn't miss me and that I am at fault for everything. I stole her away from VA and her "real" friends. She says she is trying to fell about me the way she used to but its hard. I told her that's what happens when you give your heart and soul to a man who saw an easy piece. He said everything you wanted to hear and now your at this point. We are working at our marriage but I feel as if she doesn't really care. I feel that if I was a FB buddy then I would have a better chance. But truthfully I hate FB and now I am starting to hate VA.

Her friends have even told her that she is lucky and to stop being stupid. Her one friend, who is cheating on her husband, told her that she would trade husbands in a second.

She also always jumps off the deep end for everything. The smallest little thing sets her off. One day she was late to a doctors appointment because of traffic. She called me while I was at work and blamed it on me for moving her to CT, called me an incompetent, stupid, little (input boys name) piece of crap. Every time something doesn't go her way...this is what happens. I am at the point of WTH to do?

Interpretations, opinions, help?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well what is apparent is that the status quo isn't working.

I do not like sounding like a cynic or pessimist, unfortunately reality, and countless stories like yours kind of jam the fact down your throat.

If she is still regularly making trips to VA, it isn't to spend time with her girlfriends.

So ... best thing I can recommend? If she plans another trip, make it clear that she can stay there, and YOU don't want her to come back. That should get an interesting response.

She is looking for greener pastures while she has the security of a home and a provider - you.

This model is often referred to as 'Having your cake and eating it too.'

Time to take away the cake, but you need to be ready to do so.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The texting, FB, messaging stuff isn't good. Staying out late at bars with some guy she's attracted to - while in another state - isn't good. Calling you at work to tell you how terrible you've made her isn't good.

Can you access her phone? Any e-mail accounts?

I think a little snooping is reasonable...


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Does she take the kids with her when she goes back home? 

Maybe you could offer to go back with her next time....see what kind of reaction that brings with it.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

If one of your Navy buddies described his wife's behaviour as you describe yours, what advice would you give him?

I'm betting it would something along the lines of 'retreat!' 

When people are cheating, they look to create all sorts of reasons to justify their behaviour. "I hate it here" "I have no friends" "you are...(fill in the blank)... are all just self justfications. It's quite likely she has a guy back there. How much longer are willing to live with such awful behaviour? Are you willing to risk ending the marriage to bring this to a head? If so, then telling her she can start to act like a proper wife, or get out is a good first step. KWIM?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Navy...
This is all good advise. Why? Because most of us have been here before. From what you are describing, yes, your wife is still having an affair. Yes, you do need to get more evidence. I would get rock solid evidence before you confront her. After that, then you need to decide what to do. But, first step is to get that evidence. Right now, you are probably trying very hard to believe your wife in that she is being " legit" , because...well...she's your wife. But right now the only thing you should believe is that everything coming out of your wifes mouth is a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

Thanks for all of the information and perspective.

I am trying to believer her. She does seem sincere and his phone number no longer appears on our phone bill and she has removed him from Facebook. She also informs me where she is going when she is in VA (usually supported by the hundreds of FB pics posted throughout the night). I know she is not having the affair with the guy she cheated on me with...that much I do know. He is in a band...and is one and done, now get heck out of here guy. I still have a few friends in VA and they know him and say he never goes back to a girl he already slept with. In fact they say if the girl tries to talk to him again..he humiliates her. Sadly this guy still has a line of girls waiting for him (he wears make up and paints his finger nails)...sheesh.

The kids do go with her about 90% of the time. Every once in a while she goes by herself. 

I do need to do some investigating. She keeps telling me she cares about me but she doesn't love me the way she used to (well duh you had an affair). 

Then she just told me yesterday that the big house, two nice cars and our stuff isn't important to her anymore. Her friends lives are so much better (we only have this stuff because she wanted it, I came from poor family and anything now is better than what I had). Yet her friends are struggling to pay their mortgage, can't pay all of their bills, are laid off and just plain irresponsible with money and adult decisions. Yet she envies this......but her friends are always telling her she is stupid for even thinking this.

Grass is always greener I tell her. I say you look at the other side of the fence and see bright green grass and want to be there. You climb the fence and realize the grass is the same color or there is no grass at all and start looking for greener grass. She just gets pissed and yells or starts smacking herself (or curls in ball and starts rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably). I just try to stop her from hitting herself and calm her down....sigh.


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

Telling her to get out is so hard. She threatens to take the kids to VA and keep them away. This hurts because she knows my mother (an alcoholic and drug addict) did that to my brother, sister and myself. She left my dad (very good man) and used us as bargaining chips...money tools. 

Decisions...


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

Surfer she says I can join her anytime but I can't act like I did last time. I was a major ass but that was because we went to VA 3 days after she told me she was having an affair. I went out with her to meet her friends (some of them I knew). Alot of guys....I just didn't like it and it showed.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Navy,

From getting a bit more of the situation from you, have you considered that your wife may be suffering from depression or maybe borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

This is something to check into. From her reactions, and crying in a ball, and wanting to hit herself....this suggests a disorder. I'm no doctor, so you may want to do some research and also see a medical professional to discuss this with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

Alpha, 

I have looked into that already. I thought the same thing. She fits about 95% if the BPD symptons. Also our oldest is Autistic, Aspergers to be exact. High functioning but you can tell he has issues. The reason I bring this up a lot of the BPD symptoms are very similar to Aspergers. Her parents said she was a "difficult" kid. In fact they mentioned that our oldest acts a lot like her but not to his extent. 

I brought all of these possibilities up to her and suggested we, the both of us/together as a team, see someone. That just set off an episode; "I'm not crazy!!!" "I'm not a loser!!!" "You're the one with issues, you come from the alcoholic druggy!!!" 

......


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

NavyBuckeye said:


> Alpha,
> 
> I have looked into that already. I thought the same thing. She fits about 95% if the BPD symptons. Also our oldest is Autistic, Aspergers to be exact. High functioning but you can tell he has issues. The reason I bring this up a lot of the BPD symptoms are very similar to Aspergers. Her parents said she was a "difficult" kid. In fact they mentioned that our oldest acts a lot like her but not to his extent.
> 
> ...


I'm not a guy, but I am a woman and coming from one...

Okay, I've been known to throw out a few zingers in my time and say things that were really hurtful and mean.

But...when your wife starts attacking family (especially your mother), that's where I draw the line, regardless of whether what she is saying is true or not.

She appears to have a lot of ANGER inside her. She's using you as the scapegoat for that anger, but I believe the anger has nothing to do with you, but her lot in life, where she is, how she got there, etc. I don't think she's happy with the decisions she's made in her life and she's making you pay for them.

Does she behave this way with and in front of the kids? If so, then a definite no-no - you're an adult, you can make your own choices, but it's up to you to protect your children.

From what I see, you have two choices:

- Live with it
- Don't live with it

I realize there are children involved, but do you think the siutation is any better for them to watch you two fight and their mother behave in this manner? It will screw them up for life. And who says she has to get custody? A lot of fathers are getting custody of their children these days. The courts are finally realizing that just because you're a "mother," doesn't make you the fit "parent."

And if she wants to be back in VA so bad, let her go. But you and kids stay in CT.

She's already cheated once - you know what they say - once a cheater, always a cheater (usually).


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

I don't usually recommend this......

Begin detaching from her and divorce.

Her mental issues will be a burden on you and your family forever.

Keep a log on her behavior for the divorce.

"She just gets pissed and yells or starts smacking herself (or curls in ball and starts rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably)."

This is a DEEP-rooted disorder. 
It's not an easy fix....particularly with someone who doesn't want to fix it.

She will bring you YEARS of pain and dysfunction if you stay with her.

You will have to deal with her due to the kids, but that is a VERY SMALL issue compared with the disastrous potential.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

:iagree:

I'm very empathetic to both of you. She doesn't want to feel bad, but does and she believes that being back in VA will make her feel better. 

The problem is that it won't. It you moved back something else would come up, there would always be something that you aren't doing to make her feel better, when the real problem lies inside her and she doesn't seem willing to address it.

She may be borderline, or something else. But whatever it is, it isn't normal behaviour and will damage you and your kids. You can't reason with her because she perceives any negative comment as an attack on her, and then she immediately lashes out at you.

For her to get better would mean counselling, a healthier lifestyle, some deep self-awareness, exercise and open communication with you. It doesn't sound like she is capable of those changes.

So sorry.


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

I came here looking to get the "No, it will be alright!!!" response. You know the response someone in denial wants to hear. But instead I have heard everything I have already thought...which is so reassuring...you don't even know. I am so thankful to read it.

Everything said is so true. But it is so, so hard.

For a while I thought that maybe CT was bringing the episodes about. Then I started thinking and remembering.......this happened in VA too. I brought that up in a discussion with her, one of the times we were talking about the spazzing (it's what I call it) rather than her actually spazzing out. I pointed out all of the similarities and how this happened in VA too (only because she blames CT). She told me I was delusional and making things up in my head...but I'm not...trust me. I even took the blame for a black eye she gave herself. Although I don't think her dad believed that I did it for one second because he gave a long (2-3 minutes) stare/head shake and then came over and patted me on the back. He didn't say a word and went to his office. I think he was crying but I don't know for sure. I tried to talk to her mom about my W doing this as a kid and she just shut me down and changed the subject very fast (it was a good enough answer for me).

I will say she does a good job of only doing this around me (most of the time) and usually when the kids are not home. Although, my ten year old (I have 7, 10 and 13yr old boys) who is very very bright and confided in me one day that he say Mommy crying alot on the bed and she was curled up in a ball. When I asked what happened he said he heard her talking to someone on the phone about returning something. He then said she slammed the phone down yelling I want my money back. Then she went upstairs. He said he wanted to go hug her...but something wasn't right so he went and played Xbox. I almost cried...but I didn't because that is what he saw. 

It's hard when you love someone and you know they have issues. Especially when those issues are being blamed on you. It's also hard that she made the decision to go outside the marriage (and she to this day tells me she doesn't regret doing it, but regrets that it hurt me...WTF is that?).

Marriedwife you may be correct. She had our oldest when she was 17. I'm not his biological father but I adopted him after we were married. His father left the state as soon as my son was born. She has mentioned many times how different things would be if she would've kept her legs closed that day (her words not mine). Then the guy she dated before me beat and raped her (the rape came when she decided to leave him, he threw her down and told her this was his farewell present, remember it for ever). Now the readers of this board are the few who know this...she never told anyone but me....I don't know why I'm sharing it.

I better get off before I keep going....but it so refreshing to get things off of my chest. Things I have never told anyone.....it's so nice.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

One of the hardest thing for a man to accept is that he can't fix his damaged woman. That's where the advice to detach is coming from. Where there is mental illness or addition, the impulse it try to fix/save/help your loved one, but you can't. It sounds like you experienced that with your mother.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids to detach and look at the most practical way you can give them security and safety.


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

Black,

I actually discharged from the Navy for her. 8 years until retirement and I gave it up for her. The deployments sucked but they were expected and so they never really caused problems. But when my ship was being overhauled I ended up on 120+ hour work weeks. I literally would only be home maybe 4 or 5 hours in a week. Getting very little sleep. I was the leading enlisted guy for my crew and so I had to go in anytime my equipment was having problems. This led to her kicking me out of the house. This was in 2003. She slept with another man with in 3 days. She said it doesn't count as cheating because she kicked me out (although she was talking to this co-worker for 5 months prior to the PA).

Now I'm here. In CT dealing with these issues, the same issues. 

Being Alpha at work and then falling into the beta role at home is so what has happened with me (and I can't figure out why). 

I think it has happened because I'm afraid of an episode occurring. I don't like watching her hit herself, she looks possessed and then the balling up and crying...it's hard. Especially the things she says to me while it is occurring.

I don't know why I stay....other than I lover her. Something inside me keeps telling me that the episodes, the outbursts and the cheating are all part of this other problem and she can't control it. I love her, she is the mother of my children and I am not one to give up. I watched my parents marriage fail because of my mother (drugs, alcohol, men...you name it) and I'll be damned if I let mine because of this...because of her. Stupid to think that, probably, but that is where I am at. But as the days and weeks go by...I grow closer and closer to wanting to just leave. One can only take being called names and being blamed for everything so much. Not saying I don't do stupid husband things that deserve an evil eye or a smart witted remark every so often.

Why do you stay Black? If you don't mind me asking. How is your W similar to mine?


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## NavyBuckeye (Feb 23, 2011)

Black,

Sounds alot like me....very very similar. She doesn't come at me though...just herself...although...she has hit me and even grabbed a knife once. She only does that if she goes into episode and I try to calm her down. I have to put my hands on her....I have to stop her from hitting herself...I don't hit though....I will just pin down and tell her to stop.

So yes we are in the same boat. Let's hope the holes can be plugged.

I will talk more later. I have a 3am wake up call.

Navy


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