# Men, What Did I Do Wrong



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I started communicating with a man (51), I am 54. both of us divorced. He is a doctor with a very busy schedule and I run my own small business and too tend to have long hours. We talked on the phone and texted for a couple weeks. I liked him well enough to meet and suggested this. He was up for it, I was busy and told him to choose the place and I would be there, he did. We ended up talking for 3 hours over breakfast. Very much a gentleman, insisted that he would pay, opened the doors for me. We continued to talk and text, learning about likes of music, talking career, places we had lived before. No mention about his past or why he was divorced and the conversations never went that direction, it was all surface stuff. 

He went out of town one weekend, sent me a pic of him and his friend. I went out of town to visit family another weekend. We live about 45 minutes from each other and with our schedules weekends are really the only time to see each other. 

I asked him if he liked to hike, he said he did so we set up to meet at this park. The weather changes on my way to the park, he calls and suggests I go to his place so I did. This is our second time together and I was certainly dressed for hiking, not for anything else. He shows me his house....closets are neat as a pin, he has a prayer and meditation room with a kneeling prayer bench, he tells me he is a prayer group leader (all of this is blowing my mind but I am happy to meet a man with faith), he shows me pictures of his mom and sister, tells me about his mom's health. He then says he is hungry and suggests we get a pizza. He drives me thru his town and shows me around, we stop for pizza and by this time weather had improved so we did a quick hike.

While hiking his phone starts ringing continuously. He answers and learns security on some of his accounts have been jeopardized. He talked (brain storms) all this thru with me on the walk....what he is going to need to do and how this could have happened. To me it showed a great deal of openness on his part. We spent hour hours together that day.

Again telephone conversations, none leading to anything personal, no mention of feelings towards me. I ask him if he likes to dance, send him links to some places that I had been that I enjoyed. He said he liked to dance but no mention of wanting to go. He would say things like "maybe we could hike closer to where you live next time."

Two months into this and it seems like we are just spinning our wheels with a bunch of surface chit chat. We had two weekends where we were both in town and he made others plans. At this point I am wanting to know if he is eve interested. I feel like I am getting mixed messages. I tell him what I like about him. He apologizes for not expressing his feelings about how he feels for me. Tells me I am very kind, caring, that I communicate well, pretty and that he likes the idea of my spiritual side. He follows that up with he feels the distance of 45 minutes and our schedules are not going to allow for us to have a relationship and get to know one another. We spent hours on the phone and the conversations never went in the direction of getting to know one another beyond surface every day life events. So I took it to mean that he was finding a nice way to say good-bye. Got off the phone feeling a bit bewildered and not really knowing what he was trying to say. he said he we were neighbors he could see us furthering the relationship but the distance was a problem. He tells me that he finally has found someone he feels he could actually have a relationship with but he has no time yet I saw him making no time.

Maybe an hour after the call he sent two more texts....one thanking me for my honesty with the conversation and another to say he was exhausted and feels like he is getting old. I replied and told him he was great and just needed to get a little more and breathe some fresh air.

Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available. He does verbalize issues at work and can express himself. It is obvious he is educated and is diplomatic. But until I opened up to him on how he felt he had not expressed his feelings about me. I do not want to chase any man and that's kind of how this has felt with the exception that he is the one calling me and not me calling him.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@AVR1962, I know you're polling for the men's opinions... I hope you won't mind me giving my 2 cents....

You should read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You." When I read that book, after some dating failures, my eyes were really opened.

My personal rule of thumb became: if I was texting/calling/emailing more than I was actually seeing a man, it wasn't going to work. Schedules aside, which for me were absolutely packed, I made every effort to spend time with a man as much as I possibly could. The on/off texting or emailing just keeps you both at arms length. No real connection can form and flourish.

He might enjoy your company, when it's convenient, but it doesn't sound like he was seeking it. Kind of a "you'll do" attitude. Maybe he didn't have all his stuff together. You deserve better than that.

Maybe the men have some more accurate ideas if I'm way off.

ETA: @Ynot beat me to the punch. I was going to add... that you did nothing wrong.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

First off, you asked "what did I do wrong?" You didn't do anything wrong. You were you. He was he. He apparently is not all that interested. So don't sweat it. Just keep searching for what you want. The only problem I saw was that you think you did something and that is why it didn't work out. It isn't going to work out everytime or with everybody. You can only be who you are and they can only be who they are. Be glad you found out now rather than several months or years from now.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It sounds to me like this isn't working out. That's fine, no harm, no foul - no one committed to anything, nothing anyone did wrong. 

Sometimes when you meet someone new things just "click". Other times while there is nothing "wrong", personalities are really compatible. 

He may feel like he *should* be attracted to you, but for reasons he can't quite put his finger on, he isn't.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sounds like he was being very direct and honest. He was probably interested to some degree, but not enough to make the distance something he wants to deal with. If you want to contact him again, tell him you also appreciate his honesty and that if he changes his mind about the distance and if you are single at the time to let you know. Then call it quits.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available.


The part of the story I don't get is that he actually has a place to kneel and pray in his house? Perhaps that is OK if it is a cultural thing that would be common for his religion, but if I place that in context with my culture, it sounds as if he is really struggling to heal from his past and needs regular prayer to overcome this struggle. 

OK, now don't get yourself thinking there is something deep about this person that he is just not sharing, because if he has not opened up by now he has set the tone for the relationship. If he was interested in you in more ways than a light-hearted friend, something would have happened by now. If it has not, DO NOT convince yourself that you can change who he is, as odds are the relationship would continue meandering down the same path with perhaps some rather awkward moments of something physical and rather confusing here and there. 

Move on! Or just consider him a friend. 

Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i second with ynot that you didn't do anything wrong, so stop second and third guessing yourself.

if you really like this guy, give him space. maybe send a text now and then to see how he's doing.
in the meantime, explore other man options.

you're both supper busy. i would interpret the whole thing as he likes you, maybe a lot, but as a physician, he's super busy and married to his work
and maybe just doesn't know if it can work. but if you are the one, he'll figure that out. 45 min. is not that big a deal. 

also, did you consider that maybe if he's a leader of a prayer group and a very serious man of faith, 
maybe he's just a bit shy that getting to know you intimately might lead him astray?
not saying you are at all, but maybe he's just a bit afraid of a relationship.
that might explain his behavior.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Just no chemistry. If the both of you can't keep your hands and lips off each other after the 2nd date, then move on. Doesn't sound like it got this far after 2 months.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

In the same vein was what others have said: it's not you that went wrong or even him. It's both of you that don't match well. 

For early dating to progress into a deeper relationship, there needs to be chemistry and a shared interest in one another. Your post suggests that so far, interest has been one-sided (you, not him) and he clearly views other things (than a relationship with you) as his priority. 

The longer you keep pursuing this guy, the longer you'll ride false hopes of a relationship. This is counterproductive to what you want: a meaningful relationship. Move on.

I've been married to a physician for close to 10 years, and I'm sad to say that her career takes up way too much space in our world; it's robbing us of what a marriage is truly meant to be. As a doctor, this guy you're seeing could be self-absorbed and more invested in his career than anything else. Some people are looking for less out of a relationship than others, so when dating, stay mindful of your own ideals relative to those of whoever you're seeing next. Try to find someone who wants similar things as you--good luck!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'll go out on a limb and suggest he has traditional values, likes you, finds you interesting.... but he might want a "traditional" woman. You are both so busy and far away... sounds like code to me. If you were more available to me... your career orientation and equally busy schedule might have been something he isn't looking for.

It's definitely reaching on my part, but it's also common knowledge that many "busy, important" men have arm-charm wives - ya know - "desperate housewives" - women who re pampered but take care of their man as a profession 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

badsanta said:


> The part of the story I don't get is that he actually has a place to kneel and pray in his house? Perhaps that is OK if it is a cultural thing that would be common for his religion, but if I place that in context with my culture, it sounds as if he is really struggling to heal from his past and needs regular prayer to overcome this struggle.
> 
> OK, now don't get yourself thinking there is something deep about this person that he is just not sharing, because if he has not opened up by now he has set the tone for the relationship. If he was interested in you in more ways than a light-hearted friend, something would have happened by now. If it has not, DO NOT convince yourself that you can change who he is, as odds are the relationship would continue meandering down the same path with perhaps some rather awkward moments of something physical and rather confusing here and there.
> 
> ...


I thought the same thing and that was part of the reason why I was trying to get to know this man a little more beyond surface talk. He attends Catholic church services so I was pretty blown away to see he had a room devoted to prayer and meditation and had a prayer bench. I question, in my mind, what he had in his past that he was not voicing.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> i second with ynot that you didn't do anything wrong, so stop second and third guessing yourself.
> 
> if you really like this guy, give him space. maybe send a text now and then to see how he's doing.
> in the meantime, explore other man options.
> ...


Good point, something I did not think about. He is black, I am white and he did ask me how I felt about and made the comment that he was concerned for me inside that type of a relationship. For me it wasn't an issues, I would n't have gone out with him had it been an issue. He told me that it would be a LONG time before he would be able to introduce me to his mom which told me he was the one with issues of me being white, especially when it came to his family.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> I thought the same thing and that was part of the reason why I was trying to get to know this man a little more beyond surface talk. He attends Catholic church services so I was pretty blown away to see he had a room devoted to prayer and meditation and had a prayer bench. I question, in my mind, what he had in his past that he was not voicing.


Well if he is "divorced" and a "prayer leader" in a "Catholic" church... well I can see at least a few conflicts he struggles with! That may also be one of the reasons he does not let you get too close! Perhaps he is somehow chastised by the church because in the eyes of his religion, he is still married.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Red flag alert! He showed you his closets the 2nd time he was with you? WTH? Who does that? lol Definitely bats in the belfry.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

badsanta said:


> The part of the story I don't get is that he actually has a place to kneel and pray in his house? Perhaps that is OK if it is a cultural thing that would be common for his religion, but if I place that in context with my culture, it sounds as if he is really struggling to heal from his past and needs regular prayer to overcome this struggle.


Catholics commonly have alters in their homes. Some even take doors off of closets to set up an alter and prayer space because they can't find room anywhere else. If he's Catholic having a prayer room wouldn't be uncommon at all. I believe it's also common among Hindi's, Buddhists, and Pagans to have alters in their homes and prayer/meditation/ritual rooms if they have the space for it.

I wouldn't necessarily say he has past issues to work through, either. People use prayer and/or meditation to reduce or relieve stress. Doctors have a LOT of stress and pressure just from their vocation alone. Many get attached to their patients and are bound to see some of those special people pass on despite their best efforts to keep them alive. Considering his profession, I'd be more concerned if he DID'T pray or meditate or something to help him cope with the mental and emotional rigors of his job.



jorgegene said:


> also, did you consider that maybe if he's a leader of a prayer group and a very serious man of faith,
> maybe he's just a bit shy that getting to know you intimately might lead him astray?
> not saying you are at all, but maybe he's just a bit afraid of a relationship.
> that might explain his behavior.


Totally possible.



GuyInColorado said:


> Just no chemistry. If the both of you can't keep your hands and lips off each other after the 2nd date, then move on. Doesn't sound like it got this far after 2 months.


If his faith teaches that sex before marriage is unacceptable, he might be behaving as his faith dictates. Technically, for Catholics, there shouldn't be more than light kissing, hand holding, maybe some cuddles/hugs before marriage. Honestly, some Catholics even debate deep kissing as the passion aroused can cloud judgement and lead to more intimate touching. If his faith teachings are conservative and he seriously practices his faith, he wouldn't be all lips and hands even if he very much wants to.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Well if he is "divorced" and a "prayer leader" in a "Catholic" church... well I can see at least a few conflicts he struggles with! That may also be one of the reasons he does not let you get too close! Perhaps he is somehow chastised by the church because in the eyes of his religion, he is still married.


Wrote my previous post before I saw the most recent replies. I should have refreshed my browser...

Yeah, as a Catholic who takes the faith seriously, him having a prayer room isn't unusual at all. Very common among Catholics who have the space to make a prayer area.

Whether or not the Church still considers him married depends on whether or not he has obtained an Annulment of his first marriage. If he has, he's considered never married by the Church and is free to date and marry. If he has not, he is supposed to be conducting his life as a married man would (chastely) unless/until his exW dies or he obtains an Annulment.

Either way, as a practicing Catholic, dating is taken seriously and slowly. Heavy petting is highly discouraged and sex before marriage is verboten. If he's really a practicing man of the faith, he's going to take things super slow and spend a LOT of time getting to know prospective mates before getting serious with anyone. 



Blondilocks said:


> Red flag alert! He showed you his closets the 2nd time he was with you? WTH? Who does that? lol Definitely bats in the belfry.


I kind of like it. "Here I am! This is what you get if you take me on!"

The first time I went to DH's house was completely unplanned. We were going out together and, rather than be late, he picked me up directly after work and needed to go home to change. I went in with him and saw not only his closets, but his laundry area, too! He kept his keepsakes and papers in his dresser and his clothes in a large laundry hamper. When nothing in the hamper could pass the smell test, he'd throw it all in the wash on warm. I was horrified! At least no one can say I didn't know what I was getting into!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Red flag alert! He showed you his closets the 2nd time he was with you? WTH? Who does that? lol Definitely bats in the belfry.


Even Christian Gray took more than two dates...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Did you have sex with him? If yes, he got what he really wanted. If no, perhaps that is why is is not that interested anymore. I had a friend who women just loved to talk to and do things like you described. Could not figure out why the relationships never lasted. When he asked the girls they all said that they loved him like a brother. He asked me and my wife to double date with him and a new girlfriend. I saw the problem immediately, he never once did anything physically intimate. Did not try to hold her hand, put an arm around her, kiss her or even dance a slow dance with her despite being in a dance club. He never verbally let her know that he found her sex and desirable. He was in the friend zone and that is a bad place to be.

Sounds like you are a good friend but men and even women need more than that. A man needs to know that you are interested in being physical with him. Most adult men expect sex at some point or at least sexual interest in them. Sounds like all that the two of you did is just like what friends would do. Women who date me will know that I am sexually interested in them quickly. Not in a crude way, but because I will interact with them as a lover, not a good friend. If you did have sex with him, there might be a reason why he would not drive 45 minutes for more.

The internet is filled with people stuck in the friend zone wondering why the other person left or why they cannot take it to the next level. You sound like a great friend, but that is all that you seem to be. The friend zone does not make men drive 45 minutes. Your entire post sounds like a friendship and once you tell your life story to a girl, what is left to discuss? If there was a physical attraction he would have pressed for a physical relationship or at least asked about the possibility. I never had a girl as a friend. I went out with girls to see if they were going to make a good mate for me. I treated tham as a potential lover, not someone to share my emotions with until after we have been intimate. I am not looking to be a friend first and lover second, quite the opposite. Examine your relationship and find why he has lost interest. Your entire post sounds like a friendship and that is the kiss of death if it comes before love.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Red flag alert! He showed you his closets the 2nd time he was with you? WTH? Who does that? lol Definitely bats in the belfry.


I thought it was strange too! I would not even consider showing someone my clothes closet. That's just odd!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> Did you have sex with him? If yes, he got what he really wanted. If no, perhaps that is why is is not that interested anymore. I had a friend who women just loved to talk to and do things like you described. Could not figure out why the relationships never lasted. When he asked the girls they all said that they loved him like a brother. He asked me and my wife to double date with him and a new girlfriend. I saw the problem immediately, he never once did anything physically intimate. Did not try to hold her hand, put an arm around her, kiss her or even dance a slow dance with her despite being in a dance club. He never verbally let her know that he found her sex and desirable. He was in the friend zone and that is a bad place to be.
> 
> Sounds like you are a good friend but men and even women need more than that. A man needs to know that you are interested in being physical with him. Most adult men expect sex at some point or at least sexual interest in them. Sounds like all that the two of you did is just like what friends would do. Women who date me will know that I am sexually interested in them quickly. Not in a crude way, but because I will interact with them as a lover, not a good friend. If you did have sex with him, there might be a reason why he would not drive 45 minutes for more.
> 
> The internet is filled with people stuck in the friend zone wondering why the other person left or why they cannot take it to the next level. You sound like a great friend, but that is all that you seem to be. The friend zone does not make men drive 45 minutes. Your entire post sounds like a friendship and once you tell your life story to a girl, what is left to discuss? If there was a physical attraction he would have pressed for a physical relationship or at least asked about the possibility. I never had a girl as a friend. I went out with girls to see if they were going to make a good mate for me. I treated tham as a potential lover, not someone to share my emotions with until after we have been intimate. I am not looking to be a friend first and lover second, quite the opposite. Examine your relationship and find why he has lost interest. Your entire post sounds like a friendship and that is the kiss of death if it comes before love.


NO!!!!! I did not know this man well enough for anything like that!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds to me like the distance was an issue for him so he emotionally backed out. I have experienced this as well when first dating And was dating women out of town. Finally found one I really liked but problem was she was where she wanted to be and me the same. We would always have that distance between us. That didn't both her but did me, I was looking for more of a couple times a week contact.

You didn't do anything wrong. Just not the guy for you. Will be others.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

I think he was interested in you that is why he showed you more intimate things of himself- prayer room, closets etc.He also included you in what was going on with the phone calls he received while with you. I have nuns back in my family we are so deeply catholic and I assure you a "prayer room" is very common though we never called it a prayer room.

He was just being honest with you and I think everyone here should appreciate that he didn't have sex with you before telling you, he didn't drag down your time with him talking about his ex or why he divorced or even get too deep with his personal beliefs. He spent honest time with you getting to know you at things you were comfortable with and was honest enough to acknowledge and accept that both of your busy schedules along with the distance was going to be a problem. He should be on here giving advice on how to be honest and treat people!

I would continue a friendly relationship with him if both of you want to and who knows what may happen one day. He doesn't appear the type to lead you on or lie to you. Just enjoy each others company when you can for now


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AVR... Im a little late to the party here, but I think you dodged a bullet on this one! He sounds like a weirdo to me! Having a prayer room would have made me beat feet for the door!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

(Woman's point of view here) If a guy is interested in a woman and has amazing chemistry with her, he'll swim ten miles to get to her. The fact that he brought up distance as a factor, tells me he's not interested and it's time to move on. You did nothing wrong. That's what dating is all about, finding out if there's chemistry, to go further into a more serious relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @AVR1962 ~ I personally would like to think that he was originally interested in you, but that you were squarely behind the eight ball going in!

I really believe that your only chance with this good doctor was only if you happened to "knock it out of the park!"

IMHO, although despite the fact that you hit a bases loaded triple, it was not nearly enough for him! It is not your fault; it is his! Not your loss ~ only his!

Just chalk it up to experience! And trust me when I say that there will be an even greater guy waiting for you out in the wings! *


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think I am even more confused that I was before. So I made no contact. We had left it that we would be friends and that we would contact each other from time to time. He left a message on my phone that a friend of his had passed, we had talked about how sick he was previous. In the message he left he told me that we agreed to be in touch from time to time. I texted him let him know I got his message and told him I hoped he was not beating hisself up for not getting the see his friend earlier. He said he was not, said that he had talked to his friend, friend knew his plans but they had not worked out like they planned. So several days go by, I figured the funeral was over so I text him saying I was thinking of him, that was all. In response he tells me he was thinking about me too and tells me all these wonderful things about me....how sweet I am, on and on about my good qualities....nothing said about physical or sexual stuff (thank goodness). I am just totally flabbergasted. This man writes like a poet, seriously. The last text of the night he tells me that he wants to give himself fully to me but that he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it. I did not ask what it was. I figure he is the one that needs to figure this out. My reply was "time will give you answers, sweet dreams." 

Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

It sounds like there really wasn't any chemistry between the two of you. You did absolutely nothing wrong, nor did he. The two of you just aren't a "fit". 

To put things into perspective, my girlfriend and I have a six and a half hour drive between us, and we see each other every single weekend. Chemistry.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I think I am even more confused that I was before. So I made no contact. We had left it that we would be friends and that we would contact each other from time to time. He left a message on my phone that a friend of his had passed, we had talked about how sick he was previous. In the message he left he told me that we agreed to be in touch from time to time. I texted him let him know I got his message and told him I hoped he was not beating hisself up for not getting the see his friend earlier. He said he was not, said that he had talked to his friend, friend knew his plans but they had not worked out like they planned. So several days go by, I figured the funeral was over so I text him saying I was thinking of him, that was all. In response he tells me he was thinking about me too and tells me all these wonderful things about me....how sweet I am, on and on about my good qualities....nothing said about physical or sexual stuff (thank goodness). I am just totally flabbergasted. This man writes like a poet, seriously. The last text of the night he tells me that he wants to give himself fully to me but that he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it. I did not ask what it was. I figure he is the one that needs to figure this out. My reply was "time will give you answers, sweet dreams."
> 
> Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.


Honestly, it sounds like he is otherwise occupied. You sound like a distant "plan B" to me. I really hope that you won't settle for the drips and dregs he is giving you. Move on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> AVR... Im a little late to the party here, but I think you dodged a bullet on this one! He sounds like a weirdo to me! Having a prayer room would have made me beat feet for the door!


Oh God yes...me too!



AVR1962 said:


> The last text of the night he tells me that he wants to give himself fully to me but that he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it. I did not ask what it was. I figure he is the one that needs to figure this out. My reply was "time will give you answers, sweet dreams."


There's your answer right there - he's either married, involved with someone else or there's an ex hanging around. 

You did nothing wrong. He considers 45 minutes distance? Lol. I lived 45 mins from my husband when we met. I only "ticked some of the boxes" on his list, lol. I certainly didn't live within 5km of him! He saw something in me that he thought was worth pursuing anyway...the right man will move mountains to see a woman he loves.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

He did nothing wrong either... he was simply himself.

This was simply not the connection you were looking for, nor he... think of it as a disguised kindness for you both.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AVR1962,

Here is a video for you to watch. I think it will tell you want's going on and what you need to do about it.


http://youtu.be/669II2eDQMg


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I agree with the others that stated he is not all that into you. He has someone else right now. It's not a great relationship as he seems to enjoy your company, but, at least to me, he sounds like his bed is being warmed by someone that is not at all like you or what he should be seeking as a long term partner. 

His problem and not yours. Oh, and let him know under no uncertain terms what "friends" really means now. You are seeking a special someone because you already have enough "friends"

Don't even bother to say bye bye...just let it go. Next!

Oh, I hope that you are not just dating one guy at a time. You are not exclusive to anyone at this point, and it looks like he was already involved when he started chatting you up. Welcome to dating nowadays!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.


His conflict could be faith based. 

Being Catholic, taking the faith seriously, isn't easy in modern times. On the one hand, you get a divorce and are socially and legally seen as free to date and marry. On the other hand, your faith teaches that a legal divorce doesn't dissolve a marriage and, though divorced, dating and legally marrying are forbidden.

If his conflict is faith based, his options are to apply for a Decree of Nullity and pray his marriage was invalid according to Cannon Law and that the Annulment will be given, stay single and alone until his ex-wife dies, or abandon his faith.

It's surprising how many Catholics don't apply for Annulment because they are afraid they will be told their marriages were valid and they are still spiritually bound by their vows. Why know for sure when you can stay in limbo and do your thing?  It's also surprising how many only apply after they have met someone they want to marry. Why do the paperwork in advance when you can procrastinate?

Honestly, if I were single and dating, I wouldn't date a practicing Catholic who'd been previously married unless he'd already been through the Annulment process with a favorable outcome. Annulment is NOT guaranteed. Most who want to apply are turned away before filing a single piece of paper because they have no Canonical grounds for Annulment in the first place. I wouldn't want to get emotionally involved, fall in love, plan to marry, and then find out we can't marry because the Annulment was declined.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> AVR1962,
> 
> Here is a video for you to watch. I think it will tell you want's going on and what you need to do about it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the video. I woke up this morning feeling I needed to let this whole situation go. Nice guy, wonderful conversation and he said some very sweet things but whatever is going on in his life is not working for me. Life goes on!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> His conflict could be faith based.
> 
> Being Catholic, taking the faith seriously, isn't easy in modern times. On the one hand, you get a divorce and are socially and legally seen as free to date and marry. On the other hand, your faith teaches that a legal divorce doesn't dissolve a marriage and, though divorced, dating and legally marrying are forbidden.
> 
> ...


I didn't know all the details you mentioned here but I wondered it it might have something to do with his faith. He is devoted to his religious beliefs.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> I didn't know all the details you mentioned here but I wondered it it might have something to do with his faith. He is devoted to his religious beliefs.


I didn't know those details, either, despite being raised by a Catholic dad!

I was raised Lutheran because my mother was Lutheran and dad deferred to her as his faith wasn't an important part of his life. DH was raised Catholic. When DH and I met, we were both practicing Pagans. We married and about 10 years in, DH returned to the faith of his youth. I knew enough to know that me having been previously married was a problem. So, I spent months researching, speaking to the Priest, the DRE (director of religious education), and the local Tribunal. 

The Church considers _all_ marriages valid unless/until proven otherwise. Even those marriages performed outside the Church. A Catholic cannot validly marry if they and/or their intended were previously married, as the previous marriage(s) is (are) presumed still valid spiritually, unless the ex-spouse either passed away or the marriage has been Annulled. 

Baptized Catholics are required by Canon Law to marry in the Church or receive dispensation to marry outside the Church in order to marry validly.

What this means for those who seriously date Catholics is that they must be willing to go through the Annulment process ( if they were previously married), be willing to do pre-cana (marriage prep), be willing to marry in the Church unless they have reason they need to marry elsewhere (ex: Uncle Bob is a Lutheran pastor and Mom will lose her mind and disown you if Uncle Bob doesn't perform the ceremony at the family's place of worship), and sign documents in front of a priest acknowledging that they know the Catholic party is obligated to impart the faith to any children born of the union and promising not to hinder the Catholic party's faith practices.

Catholicism is a lifestyle. There are feast days, fasting days, Holy Days of Obligation when attending Mass is required even if it's Tuesday, and so on. Most Catholics have religious items all over the place. Crucifix's over the doors, chalk symbols on the lintels from the yearly house blessing, Holy items such as Rosaries, a Holy Water container or two, prayer cards, maybe a few Mary or Saint figurines, Bibles and Missals, etc. 

Frankly, if I were single, I'd treat a seriously practicing Catholic man who hasn't at least applied for Decree of Nullity the same as I would treat a separated married man who hasn't filed for divorce yet.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I didn't know those details, either, despite being raised by a Catholic dad!
> 
> I was raised Lutheran because my mother was Lutheran and dad deferred to her as his faith wasn't an important part of his life. DH was raised Catholic. When DH and I met, we were both practicing Pagans. We married and about 10 years in, DH returned to the faith of his youth. I knew enough to know that me having been previously married was a problem. So, I spent months researching, speaking to the Priest, the DRE (director of religious education), and the local Tribunal.
> 
> ...


Very good to know! Thank you!!!!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You're not black and his family is the issue is my random guess.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I literally had to get a note from my mother to marry my catholic wife. I brought a minister and she brought a priest and we married in a Catholic Church. We went to precana but they didn't make us commit to raise our kids catholic and we didn't. W got a dispensation to marry me I guess (ya know cause she was a good catholic girl ).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> I didn't know all the details you mentioned here but I wondered it it might have something to do with his faith. He is devoted to his religious beliefs.


Hold out for a NORMAL guy! You have already put in your time with a NOT normal man, time for some FUN!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available. He does verbalize issues at work and can express himself. It is obvious he is educated and is diplomatic. But until I opened up to him on how he felt he had not expressed his feelings about me. I do not want to chase any man and that's kind of how this has felt with the exception that he is the one calling me and not me calling him.


You didn't do anything wrong at all.

He thinks you're a cool girl, easy to talk too, would make a great friend but he's not feeling any chemistry.

I think he tried his best giving you multiple dates but it's just not happening for him. That's my manly take.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He's a nut job.

He keeps texting you back as you text him, because he likes your admiration. But, notice he doesn't text you first--- because you are NOT on his mind. If he liked you like you liked him, he WOULD be communicating that to you.
You HAVE done something wrong. You let yourself develop feelings for someone before they earned your trust. I've done it as well.

Now you are going to have to deal with forgetting he exists. That's what I'd do if I were you. Move on to the next man. The relationship with this one is a dead end.
Sorry, but there's plenty more men where he came from.
You'll find a good one if you keep looking and don't settle for less than a man who is completely crazy about you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> Ok, give it to me? Was he ever interested in me? I actually like this guy but I have a tendency to like men who are not emotionally available. He does verbalize issues at work and can express himself. It is obvious he is educated and is diplomatic. But until I opened up to him on how he felt he had not expressed his feelings about me. I do not want to chase any man and that's kind of how this has felt with the exception that he is the one calling me and not me calling him.


No chemistry. That's all. You didn't do anything wrong. If you did anything wrong, you kept expecting way too much when it was obvious from the get go he was not enticed and motivated enough to open himself up and give you what you were looking for. You cannot manufacture or cultivate chemistry. Two people either have it or they don't. It cannot be forced. It is either there or it isn't.

A potential mate can have everything you are looking for: good looks, politeness, intelligence, good sense of humor, financial stability....the list can go on. But if there is no chemistry, then none of it means a thing. 

Learn to distinguish attraction from chemistry. One actually has nothing to do with the other. I have met some women who I was not particularly attracted to at first, but when I got to talking to them the chemistry was off the charts...and then the attraction followed. 

When chemistry AND attraction both happen at the same time then...WHAMMO!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> Very good to know! Thank you!!!!


You're very welcome. Considering how a Catholic gentleman is supposed to behave courting a woman, it would be easy for a modern woman to mistake his behavior for lack of interest. Add in any conflict he may feel because he desires to date and have a romantic partner when his faith forbids it (assuming no Annulment) and I imagine it's even harder to express interest in the ways secular society would understand.

Not all Catholics are the same. Some are more willing to bend or break the rules. It's not uncommon for Catholics to have pre-marital sex or to use artificial birth control, for example. Others stick more closely to the rules. A devout Catholic isn't likely to round 3rd base while dating if he's the sticking to the rules kind.

Also, devout Catholics tend to take their time deciding on a spouse since we're taught divorce cannot dissolve a marriage. Some more secular people have a hard time dating an abstinent Catholic for an indeterminate amount of time until they either marry or split up. It's something to consider if you'd want sex before marriage so that you know you're compatible in that area before vowing a lifetime. 



TheTruthHurts said:


> I literally had to get a note from my mother to marry my catholic wife. I brought a minister and she brought a priest and we married in a Catholic Church. We went to precana but they didn't make us commit to raise our kids catholic and we didn't. W got a dispensation to marry me I guess (ya know cause she was a good catholic girl ).
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How the Church handled these situations differs by era. At one point, Catholics couldn't validly marry any non-Catholic. At another time, a Catholic could marry outside the faith, but only to another Christian. Now, a Catholic can validly marry anyone of any faith or no faith at all.

At one point, both the Catholic and the non-Catholic party had to promise to raise any children born of the union as Catholics. At another point, only the Catholic party had to make that promise and the non-Catholic party signed a document saying they were aware of the promise. Most recently, the Catholic party promises to "try their best" to raise any children in the faith and the non-Catholic signs they are aware of the promise.

You and your wife probably did sign some form of the above mentioned promises, but don't remember in in the stack of paperwork required to marry. Pre-cana can be hit and miss. Same with Catechism and other Sacramental preparation/religious education classes. Some aren't very thorough and things are often not explained as clearly as they should be. This is a longstanding problem in the Church, complained about regularly by pretty much everyone, that is slowly but surely being addressed. It's not uncommon for the priest doing the marriage paperwork to think the pre-cana classes covered the promises while the pre-cana classes leader(s) assumed the priest would discuss the promises. So, the documents are signed, the permissions to marry are given, and the marriage takes place. 



3Xnocharm said:


> Hold out for a NORMAL guy! You have already put in your time with a NOT normal man, time for some FUN!


There's nothing abnormal about a person who practices a religion that forbids pre-marital sex. It's funny. On this forum, women complain about men who don't show interest by some kind of physical sexual contact. The idea of having a serious long term possibly leading to marriage relationship without sex is nearly shocking in modern times among liberal Christians and secular folks alike. Some think marrying without having sex first is insane. On my religious based forums, women are complaining it's hard to find a man that is willing to wait until marriage.



BetrayedDad said:


> You didn't do anything wrong at all.
> 
> He thinks you're a cool girl, easy to talk too, would make a great friend but he's not feeling any chemistry.
> 
> I think he tried his best giving you multiple dates but it's just not happening for him. That's my manly take.


I think he's refraining due to his faith beliefs, you think he's just not into @AVR1962. Easily settled. ASK HIM, woman!! Just ask if he's attracted to you or have you been friend zoned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> Thanks for the video. I woke up this morning feeling I needed to let this whole situation go. Nice guy, wonderful conversation and he said some very sweet things but whatever is going on in his life is not working for me. Life goes on!


Did you watch the video?

I think this is the right approach at this time. If he comes back, then you can decide what to do and if he is someone you want to be with.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@MJJEAN just as a point of reference I was married in a conservative Catholic Church almost 30 years ago. The precana priest talked about having to sign something about raising our kids catholic in the past but that some Christians were offended. He seemed surprised by that but I laughed and said of course they were offended. 

I had to provide a baptismal letter and a letter of reference as to my character. The family priest suggested my mother. I did and I assume the priest did the rest. But we dated 6 years prior to marriage so there were no surprises and the Catholic Church was actually pretty open to marrying me with a joint catholic / Protestant service.

So while your views are valid based on your experience, I believe it varies by region as to the level of conservativeness one will find in "a good catholic". Assuredly the priests, bishops and possibly cardinal (sorry not sure of the ranks) who were likely Involved in allowing my W to marry a "non-catholic" as many Catholics amusingly call other christians were good Catholics.

I've run into many Catholics who will swear on a stack of bibles that the church wouldn't allow a Protestant minister to jointly perform a service. It's funny how strongly people believe what they do about the complex laws of the church.




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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think he told you what his issues are. You two have difficult schedules and live too far apart for his liking. His mother is against him getting involved with a white woman. 

He seems to like you a lot, but it's awfully difficult for someone to start a relationship with someone who they think will not be accepted by his family. I wonder why he even considered you to begin with. Probably because he thinks you are pretty and you caught his eye, based on what he said. 

Let go. This man is not for you. He may have no problem whatsoever with your color differences, but clearly his mother does and he cares very much what his mother thinks. If you two were to try to make it work, I have a feeling there would be a lot of difficulty and you would not be happy.

I have no problem whatsoever with mixed "race" marriages. But I would not recommend any of my children marry into a family that would not accept them due to "race" or any other matter. Having your spouse's family against you if your spouse is close to their family can be really hard and demoralizing. I have a friend whose in-laws use racial slurs when referring to her. It hurts her feelings. She is a good wife and mother, yet they can't see past the color of her skin. It's pretty ugly.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> He's a nut job.
> 
> He keeps texting you back as you text him, because he likes your admiration. But, notice he doesn't text you first--- because you are NOT on his mind. If he liked you like you liked him, he WOULD be communicating that to you.
> You HAVE done something wrong. You let yourself develop feelings for someone before they earned your trust. I've done it as well.
> ...


He IS the one texting me first, and get long text messages. He IS the one calling and we talk for hours. I think I have called him once. The rest of the time it has been him. He has been very open. This man can express feelings. He has a real sincere heart. He is intellectual but he can laugh and let go too. Absolutely courteousness and quite the gentleman. I think it is his religious believes and possibly his thought how I would fit into his family that has him conflicted. I could be wrong. And if that is the case, it is what it is. I now see that men can have these wonderful qualities in them, something I have not seen in a very long time!!! Even if this man does not ever contact me again my life goes on and I know what an absolute A-hole my ex was and realize I put up with far too much for far too long!!! It has been nice to be treated with dignity and respect and I will take all this as a learning lesson if it goes no further than this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LOL, nutjob. I'm going the other way, but can I ask a question?


AVR1962 said:


> I think I am even more confused that I was before. So I made no contact. We had left it that we would be friends and that we would contact each other from time to time. He left a message on my phone that a friend of his had passed, we had talked about how sick he was previous. In the message he left he told me that we agreed to be in touch from time to time. I texted him let him know I got his message and told him I hoped he was not beating hisself up for not getting the see his friend earlier. He said he was not, said that he had talked to his friend, friend knew his plans but they had not worked out like they planned. So several days go by, I figured the funeral was over so I text him saying I was thinking of him, that was all. In response he tells me he was thinking about me too and tells me all these wonderful things about me....how sweet I am, on and on about my good qualities....nothing said about physical or sexual stuff (thank goodness). I am just totally flabbergasted. This man writes like a poet, seriously. The last text of the night he tells me that he wants to give himself fully to me but that he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it. I did not ask what it was. I figure he is the one that needs to figure this out. My reply was "time will give you answers, sweet dreams."
> 
> Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.


You guys are older than me, but he'd be in my sphere. Is this your first interracial dating attempt? You made a comment which I found amusing, not in a bad way, but kind of piqued my interest.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hold out for a NORMAL guy! You have already put in your time with a NOT normal man, time for some FUN!




Yes, a normal guy that eats at Golden Corral, but doesn't take his date there.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I think I am even more confused that I was before. So I made no contact. We had left it that we would be friends and that we would contact each other from time to time. He left a message on my phone that a friend of his had passed, we had talked about how sick he was previous. In the message he left he told me that we agreed to be in touch from time to time. I texted him let him know I got his message and told him I hoped he was not beating hisself up for not getting the see his friend earlier. He said he was not, said that he had talked to his friend, friend knew his plans but they had not worked out like they planned. So several days go by, I figured the funeral was over so I text him saying I was thinking of him, that was all. In response he tells me he was thinking about me too and tells me all these wonderful things about me....how sweet I am, on and on about my good qualities....nothing said about physical or sexual stuff (thank goodness). I am just totally flabbergasted. This man writes like a poet, seriously. The last text of the night he tells me that he wants to give himself fully to me but that he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it. I did not ask what it was. I figure he is the one that needs to figure this out. My reply was "time will give you answers, sweet dreams."
> 
> Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.


I'd honestly go no contact with this guy, now. He seems like he wants you to guess what is going on, and keep you around while he figures out if this someone else is worth more of his time, and if not...then, he'll ''give himself fully to you.'' 

I would highly recommend going no contact. He wants you wondering who has his attention and why you don't. You want to be with someone who is into you. Don't settle to be someone's plan B, when you don't have to.  This early on, you shouldn't be confused, you should be having fun if it's the right guy.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I'd honestly go no contact with this guy, now. He seems like he wants you to guess what is going on, and keep you around while he figures out if this someone else is worth more of his time, and if not...then, he'll ''give himself fully to you.''
> 
> 
> 
> I would highly recommend going no contact. He wants you wondering who has his attention and why you don't. You want to be with someone who is into you. Don't settle to be someone's plan B, when you don't have to.  This early on, you shouldn't be confused, you should be having fun if it's the right guy.




Funny but I don't see him being manipulative like that based on the posts so far. But he's older and older people sometimes are a bit more aware of the long game, so to speak. It sounds like he is earnest and sincere, but has issues that must be addressed before he gets too serious. Who knows... perhaps his family has negatively impacted prior relationships and he's learned not to drag anyone new into that mix without resolving the issues first.

Of course we're all speculating but I'm glad you found that there are men out there that will treat you with dignity and respect 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> I think I am even more confused that I was before. So I made no contact. We had left it that we would be friends and that we would contact each other from time to time. He left a message on my phone that a friend of his had passed, we had talked about how sick he was previous. In the message he left he told me that we agreed to be in touch from time to time. I texted him let him know I got his message and told him I hoped he was not beating hisself up for not getting the see his friend earlier. He said he was not, said that he had talked to his friend, friend knew his plans but they had not worked out like they planned. So several days go by, I figured the funeral was over so I text him saying I was thinking of him, that was all. In response he tells me he was thinking about me too and tells me all these wonderful things about me....how sweet I am, on and on about my good qualities....nothing said about physical or sexual stuff (thank goodness). I am just totally flabbergasted. This man writes like a poet, seriously. The last text of the night he tells me that he wants to give himself fully to me but that he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it. I did not ask what it was. I figure he is the one that needs to figure this out. My reply was "time will give you answers, sweet dreams."
> 
> Of course my head has been swimming wondering what he is being conflicted by but when we talk again I will ask him if he minds sharing.


How old is this guy? How old are you?


AVR1962 said:


> he has someone conflicting him and he needs to deal with it” To me that sounds like he is dating some other woman and he’s keeping you on a string incase that does not work out.





AVR1962 said:


> So several days go by, I figured the funeral was over so I text him saying I was thinking of him, that was all.”


You would do better to not contact him. If he texts you again, answer but not too quickly… wait a few hours or a whole day. 

He is stringing you along for some reason and you don’t want to someone who is treated this way.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> I started communicating with a man (51), I am 54. both of us divorced. He is a doctor with a very busy schedule and I run my own small business and too tend to have long hours. We talked on the phone and texted for a couple weeks. I liked him well enough to meet and suggested this. He was up for it, I was busy and told him to choose the place and I would be there, he did. We ended up talking for 3 hours over breakfast. Very much a gentleman, insisted that he would pay, opened the doors for me. We continued to talk and text, learning about likes of music, talking career, places we had lived before. No mention about his past or why he was divorced and the conversations never went that direction, it was all surface stuff.
> 
> He went out of town one weekend, sent me a pic of him and his friend. I went out of town to visit family another weekend. We live about 45 minutes from each other and with our schedules weekends are really the only time to see each other.
> 
> ...



I will say this as a Dominant, if a man truly wants you, he will walk on the surface of the sun to have you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> LOL, nutjob. I'm going the other way, but can I ask a question?
> 
> You guys are older than me, but he'd be in my sphere. Is this your first interracial dating attempt? You made a comment which I found amusing, not in a bad way, but kind of piqued my interest.


I have not dating a black man before. I have black friends, some close. Somewhat new to the dating scene after 27 years!!! I have met several other men, been on dates with them too....dating after 50 is not a real pretty scene!!!! I cannot tell you how many men over 60 have shown interest in me.....60??? If I go too young they still have kids at home and really really don't want to deal with that. Alot of the men my age have not taken care of themselves and they have their eyes on the younger chicks....kind of the men over 60 chasing me. I have learned to ask if the man is married....you'd be shocked what's out there. Makes me even more aware what my ex was up to for the many years we were together.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old is this guy? How old are you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He is 51, I am 54. And stringing along does feel like the right word. I give your advise a try.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Funny but I don't see him being manipulative like that based on the posts so far. But he's older and older people sometimes are a bit more aware of the long game, so to speak. It sounds like he is earnest and sincere, but has issues that must be addressed before he gets too serious. Who knows... perhaps his family has negatively impacted prior relationships and he's learned not to drag anyone new into that mix without resolving the issues first.
> 
> Of course we're all speculating but I'm glad you found that there are men out there that will treat you with dignity and respect
> 
> ...


If nothing else a good friendship has developed between us. I feel I can tell him just about anything. I sure wasn't wanting to get into anything fast, I need my space and I don't need anyone that is clngy, I have a life and very busy one at that. His schedule is even busier than mine, continual patients all day. Unfortunately the stuff at home doesn't get done by itself and like me sometimes I feel I have more than I can handle so I understand that part of it. He did tell me this morn he is having a hard time dealing with the death of his friend. They were neighbors and friends since childhood.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, a normal guy that eats at Golden Corral, but doesn't take his date there.


Love it!!!!!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, a normal guy that eats at Golden Corral, but doesn't take his date there.


:lol:


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> He IS the one texting me first, and get long text messages. He IS the one calling and we talk for hours. I think I have called him once. The rest of the time it has been him. He has been very open. This man can express feelings. He has a real sincere heart. He is intellectual but he can laugh and let go too. Absolutely courteousness and quite the gentleman. I think it is his religious believes and possibly his thought how I would fit into his family that has him conflicted. I could be wrong. And if that is the case, it is what it is. I now see that men can have these wonderful qualities in them, something I have not seen in a very long time!!! Even if this man does not ever contact me again my life goes on and I know what an absolute A-hole my ex was and realize I put up with far too much for far too long!!! It has been nice to be treated with dignity and respect and I will take all this as a learning lesson if it goes no further than this.


While in a different vain, I recently dealt with some very significant attractions and feelings during my separation from my wife and it made me want to reconcile, but that is not what your feeling. Yes some men are decent and respectable, I would suspect this man has been hurt significantly by the prior relationship in some way, and is unable to move on or combat his feelings of loyalty. It could also be that he is shy in regards to physical contact, and or that he is aware as many men are of how powerful sex can be at making you feel love emotions and he wants to make sure before he takes that plunge that your worth the trip down the rabbit hole. then again, maybe he's just not that into you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> He is 51, I am 54. And stringing along does feel like the right word. I give your advise a try.


After he basically blows you off and tells you the distance and your schedules really don't permit any type of relationship to bloom (understandable) you then agree to be supposed 'friends' because you feel so comfortable with each other.

Then the waltz continues with all these sweet nothings over text between 'friends' and he's suddenly claiming that 'someone' is conflicting him or he'd be able to give himself wholly to you. Good Lord, he acts as though you're the devil or some kind of evil temptation causing him to do battle with himself in order to decide whether he should continue seeing you or not. So who's he referring to - another woman, or Jesus Christ himself since he's a little more spiritual than your average person?

This guy sounds like he's being a bit manipulative - it's like he keeps trying to keep you interested without having to invest a single thing into you. I see a whole lot of red flags in this evasive behavior.

If you talk to him again, I'd be asking him exactly who this secret 'someone' is. If it's another woman, you don't want to be involved with him anyway. If it's Jesus...well, good luck with that one.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I have not dating a black man before. I have black friends, some close.


Well, ask one of your Black friends how they felt when or if they first dated someone white. I'm wondering if his mom is against interracial marriage or dating. If he came from a strong family, it is hard for some people to reconcile what they may have learned growing up with how they feel.

I wouldn't be surprised if that is his inner conflict.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Funny but I don't see him being manipulative like that based on the posts so far. But he's older and older people sometimes are a bit more aware of the long game, so to speak. It sounds like he is earnest and sincere, but has issues that must be addressed before he gets too serious. Who knows... perhaps his family has negatively impacted prior relationships and he's learned not to drag anyone new into that mix without resolving the issues first.
> 
> Of course we're all speculating but I'm glad you found that there are men out there that will treat you with dignity and respect
> 
> ...


Yes, we are speculating, but at this stage of dating, she should be having fun. It shouldn't be confusing and wondering if the guy is interested in her. If there's chemistry, you just know. Especially after a few months. Just my opinion, anyways.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> (Woman's point of view here) If a guy is interested in a woman and has amazing chemistry with her, he'll swim ten miles to get to her. The fact that he brought up distance as a factor, tells me he's not interested and it's time to move on. You did nothing wrong. That's what dating is all about, finding out if there's chemistry, to go further into a more serious relationship.


This! 45 min? That's not "long distance," that's just life.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> After he basically blows you off and tells you the distance and your schedules really don't permit any type of relationship to bloom (understandable) you then agree to be supposed 'friends' because you feel so comfortable with each other.
> 
> Then the waltz continues with all these sweet nothings over text between 'friends' and he's suddenly claiming that 'someone' is conflicting him or he'd be able to give himself wholly to you. Good Lord, he acts as though you're the devil or some kind of evil temptation causing him to do battle with himself in order to decide whether he should continue seeing you or not. So who's he referring to - another woman, or Jesus Christ himself since he's a little more spiritual than your average person?
> 
> ...


Now you know why I came here, I can't figure this out either. I hope I didn't say "someone," I meant "something was conflicting him."

I am not on a religious level of faith that he is obviously and I don't think it would work just based on that. I have my faith but I like to have fun too.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

DepressedHusband said:


> While in a different vain, I recently dealt with some very significant attractions and feelings during my separation from my wife and it made me want to reconcile, but that is not what your feeling. Yes some men are decent and respectable, I would suspect this man has been hurt significantly by the prior relationship in some way, and is unable to move on or combat his feelings of loyalty. It could also be that he is shy in regards to physical contact, and or that he is aware as many men are of how powerful sex can be at making you feel love emotions and he wants to make sure before he takes that plunge that your worth the trip down the rabbit hole. then again, maybe he's just not that into you.


He did mention something about this just briefly, I didn't pry, he said it something to talk about later but obviously there is something there and until he wrestles with whatever he is not going to be able to move on in peace. I have been there, it is not easy so I do get it but I am ready to go out and have a good time!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Jessica38 said:


> This! 45 min? That's not "long distance," that's just life.



You are so right. 

My daily commute to work is longer than that, each way. 

And I drive that without getting any sex at the office.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I hope you keep looking - some of us guys in our 50s are still good catches .


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's too conflicted right now -- whether it's religion-based or his mom might be opposed to his dating a white woman or the distance you live from each other or maybe there's something else that's the issue. 

No contact is probably better -- at least until he resolves whatever is going on with him (if he ever does).


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He's too conflicted right now -- whether it's religion-based or his mom might be opposed to his dating a white woman or the distance you live from each other or maybe there's something else that's the issue.
> 
> No contact is probably better -- at least until he resolves whatever is going on with him (if he ever does).


OpenMinded thanks, you have been thru this whole ordeal with me for years and do appreciate it. We spent probably an hour on the phone laughing tonight, he called me. And then he let me know at the end of the conversation that he was spending this weekend catching up. Geesh!!! I am freakin ready to go out to a nice Greek dinner or go dancing so I guess I am going to have to find someone who can make time for me with the good qualities I have seen in this guy.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> OpenMinded thanks, you have been thru this whole ordeal with me for years and do appreciate it. We spent probably an hour on the phone laughing tonight, he called me. And then he let me know at the end of the conversation that he was spending this weekend catching up. Geesh!!! I am freakin ready to go out to a nice Greek dinner or go dancing so I guess I am going to have to find someone who can make time for me with the good qualities I have seen in this guy.




You know what? Enjoy the time and attention from him while you find someone else too. Nothing motivates a guy like actual competition.  


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> OpenMinded thanks, you have been thru this whole ordeal with me for years and do appreciate it. We spent probably an hour on the phone laughing tonight, he called me. And then he let me know at the end of the conversation that he was spending this weekend catching up. Geesh!!! I am freakin ready to go out to a nice Greek dinner or go dancing so I guess I am going to have to find someone who can make time for me with the good qualities I have seen in this guy.


It's been a tough road, AVR, and I'm glad you're out there enjoying life!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

when i was young, i used to drive 5 hours one way to meet up with my GF. Thought nothing of it.

Now, as an old fart, sometimes walking up the stairs to my bedroom seems like along way to go! LOL

I can see if he is so busy why 45 minutes seems to be a logn distance. Keep up things like you are. Go hiking with him. try to find some common things you both like to do. MAYBE if he starts liking the activity, and gets to know you more, the 45 minutes one way will start to seem "like not a big thing" after all.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

AVR, are to able to do activities with him as a friend but NOT expect or want more? If the answer is no, then drop him and go no contact.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'll make it incredibly simple for you ...

Most men utterly and absolutely suck at dating. 

Everything I read in your posts says to me, this guy isn't really sure of what he's looking for. Or ... he knew he wasn't interested in what you were looking for, but didn't have the balls to give you the courtesy of saying so.

Many men will simply do 'The Fade' rather than step up and say, "You seem like a lovely person, and I'm glad I had the opportunity to meet you, but I'm really not feeling a connection. Wish you the best."

You may have been upset, perplexed, or p!ssed ... but at the end of the day, he would have been being honest and respectful of your time and his.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think I figured this out....I received a text from this man last night telling me that a Bishop friend of his was visiting for a few days. More dedicated this is religious beliefs than I realized, I think. All well and fine but I don't think I fit into that picture.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> I think I figured this out....I received a text from this man last night telling me that a Bishop friend of his was visiting for a few days. More dedicated this is religious beliefs than I realized, I think. All well and fine but I don't think I fit into that picture.




You can be his hot, wild friend who he lives vicariously through then 


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> You can be his hot, wild friend who he lives vicariously through then
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Makes sense now why he said he was having some confusion and could not give to me fully!!!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> Makes sense now why he said he was having some confusion and could not give to me fully!!!




So tell us about the upcoming date Saturday night?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> So tell us about the upcoming date Saturday night?


We just sat by the lake and talked over wine. There was a slight breeze blowing and sitting by the lake was so peaceful. He and I have been talking about childhood memories and events growing up.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I used to drive 45min each way to get my GF for dates or she would drive over. But at least she'd spend 1-2 nights over.

Two+ months of no intimacy. He seems devoted to church and needs a gal who is more available. IMHO not many men would spend months staying in the friend zone. No fireworks.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

TaDor said:


> I used to drive 45min each way to get my GF for dates or she would drive over. But at least she'd spend 1-2 nights over.
> 
> Two+ months of no intimacy. He send devoted to church and needs a gal who is more available. IMHO not many men would spend months staying in friend zone. No fireworks.


Thanks for the input. He sends sweet text messages, we talk several times a week and the times we have seen one another he has been very respectful and has not tried to move closer physically. He had told me how attracted he is to me and how beautiful he thinks I am and how he appreciates that I have kept myself in shape. He brought up the subject of physical relationships and said that he felt people rushed into them too quickly and then were unhappy and he wanted to get to know me.

Do guys like this not exist? Am I being fed a line? Why would he still be contacting me if he wasn't interested in getting to know me like he has mentioned? We shares pics and talk about our days work and our days growing up. We joke but yet he is mostly serious, thank goodness....he doesn't have to be the funny guy and I am very thankful for that!

It is certainly not ideal with us being 50 minutes apart but I am also not sure I am ready for more. It has been just over 8 months since I left my ex and while I feel I made a wise choice to leave there has been alot of settling in to a new location, adjustments to make to my life in a new area and some emotional ups and downs to deal with so I am very thankful for the friendship if that is all this turns out to be.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Can't help you too much more than what I said... We were was willing to travel, I lived in a better city and had clients out here - she happened to have lost her job, so it made more sense for her to come more to me. You two are settled in your locations. To get closer means someone is going to have to move. Even when I was single, I had my own rules to NOT date a woman more than 20mins away. The woman I dated before my wife, lived 2 minutes away - no sparks, not chemistry. I had sex with my wife a few hours after I met her when she said "hi" to me, that was 6 years ago - I do hope she is my one and only.

I think if he went physical, it would make the desire stronger. And make the distance more of an issue. I am not a religious person and don't go by the rules of any particular flavor of anyone's moral ideas on when it's okay to have consenting sex with another person. Rushed quickly? Meh, normally people are having sex within date 1~3, after date 5 its time to move on.
Sex is a bonding agent of people, if that is what they want. The black and white thing is (should be) as non-issue. That is my relationship, and I don't think of my wife as "my white wife" - she is just "wife" who I love dearly.

If he says he's attracted to you, then take him at his word... but as you say - 50min apart is not ideal. It'll be easier to support each other as friends... meet a man that is a LOT closer to you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sure he could be feeding you a line, sure the church can be more important and sure he can be one of those guys the media has women convinced don't exist. I know you are back into dating, but I thought this is what it was about. You know, taking a chance on someone and if it doesn't work out, learn from the experience. Of course, don't waste years, but a few months, half a year..... Meh.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Oh.. I forgot I dated a mother of two once. She was smart, fun, sexy, etc. She lived 50+ min away. Her school ages kids were not going to be moved and I wouldn't dare ask.. GF material. So that faded away. We have to balance our options sometime.


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