# Need resources on communication



## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

If anyone knows places where I can find resources on appropriate ways for partners to speak to each other, I would appreciate it.

I'm looking for really specific things, like comparisons, "right way" vs. "wrong way".

If anyone can help I'd appreciate it.

Chris


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

You really need a resource on the "right way and the Wrong way" to talk to some one?

you're kidding right?

It's called respect.

Talk to someone the way YOU want to be treated.

Don't "tell,demand" you "ask"

don't know the issue, but if you have to ask this, go to counseling.


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

Who the hell do you think you're talking to? I politely asked for some help and you talk down to me. You need the help. Sounds like Boderine personality, bipolar, or maybe narcissistic personality disorder.

Check yourself.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I'm good, I know how to talk to my wife, friends children.

I don't need a book to tell me what I learned in kindergarten.

my point is there is no "right way" no "Wrong way"

it is either you respect the person you are in a relationship with or you do not.

really get some help with counseling, if you do not know how to talk to your spouse the "right way" you have a communication issue, or at least he/she does, obviously you have trouble understanding how to communicate, A book is not going to help you.

Seek counseling or couple counseling. Your reply to me only encourages that.


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

You're a mental case. If you don't wanna help or can't try without being rude, then just don't say anything.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

OK well let's try and help you...

What is the problem in your relationship?

What can you not talk about with your partner?

What issue can not be discussed? what is the road block?


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

Please don't make me regret this, but I'll try talking to you about it.
My wife is controlling and talks down to me. She says things like "you need to" and "you have to" alot. She tries to control the finances,etc...

I have talked to her about it several times and it's always the same hollow promise to try to change. I absolutely know we need counseling. Right now, I am on the east coast finishing school and she is already with her new job on the west coast. I'll be going out there after school.

I want to get counseling for sure, though she hems and haws about it. She'll go though; she's knows it's a big deal to me. I wanted to get my hands on some examples of the right and wrong way to talk so I can present information to her in a way that will not make her her defensive, cause she gets defensive pretty easily.

I have talked, not in the rude manner which you spoke to me earlier, to her about things like taking turns talking, respect, keeping an even voice, etc... It does not seem to stick.

I thought by having more concrete examples then "we" can both use them to catch ourselves if speaking in a condescending or insulting manner. I know one thing is she says you, you , you, alot.

So, if you could reply in a respectful tone and give me your thoughts that's cool.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

May I ask your ages since you are finishing school still?

How old is she as well?

How long married? 

Also where are you both from originally? Same area? different parts of the country?

Also what is your heritage? She itallian by chance? German? 

Also, by the way, I posted it that way to get a rise out of you, typed words on the internet can be misconstrued in a way it is not meant to be.

Glad to she is open to counseling, also the istance can be a plus for you both right now, or it could make things worse.

If she is finacially controlling, is it due to her job? how are your finances are they stable? or you both struggling like most young couples?

really I am a nice guy


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Men and women do communicate differently. I also believe people will hear things differently based on their own personal experiences. Some people are more "thinking" vs. "feeling." Some people like to be blunt, some like to be more evasive. Some people are really sensitive to tones of voice, and facial expressions, while others prefer to write things down to communicate. If you are asking why your wife doesn't understand you or vice versa, it may be helpful to tell the whole story. 

Some resources I recommend are the Myers Briggs personality test and John Gray's Mars and Venus books. They are just good books about getting along with others. 

This forum has many personalities, and I have found it difficult to weed through sometimes. Good luck.


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

Sensitive,

Thank you for your advice.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sensitive is right and I am one of the "blunt ones" lol

But she offers sound advice.

Often people who are controlling, have deep rooted anger and have some sort of childhood issues such as cruel parents or a difficult childhood.

You really need to nip this in the butt rather quickly or you will only empower her more.

Make the counseling something mandatory once you get back together with her. But if I were you I would get some counseling yourself, forgive me you seem very sensitive for a man and rather submissive. Which may have enabled her to grow in the controlling aspect. 

I watched a co-worker who was an abused kid get completely controlled by his wife (now ex) She would rip him apart infront of us, he would cave into any demand she gave him, yes he would argue his case, but in the end she always won. He was used to being controlled by his father, he knows of no other way, his current girlfriend is just as controlling. He refuses to go see a counselor, he will continue to live the vicious cycle.

But I am glad you can see the issue, I really recommend you get the book, "five languages of love" Also get some counseling for yourself BEFORE you go to your west coast destination. 

You seem submissive and that you will need to be more assertive when dealing with your wife. But the good news is you see it and that you want to break out from this shell and have the marriage more solid on even communication and working together as a team. No one is in charge of a marriage, it's a team effort.


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

GAsoccerman,

I am 37, she is 38. I did not have money for college when I was younger. I worked and did my thing pretty much. Later, I went into the military and served for 10 years.

We have been married 8 years. Yeah, I know, she have had counseling already. But, we both come from modest means and small towns. We also both come from famiilies that, unfortunately, taught us that "therapy" or "mental illness" or the like was for "crazy people." Yeah, that's set us back. That combined with us never being in a particularly "enlightening" environment means that we haven't properly utilized the resources out there.

She grew up in San Diego, then moved to Maine as a teenager after her parents were divorced (her father was cheating). Her parents had a relationship not particularly based on love as far as I can tell. Her mother died 4 years ago. 

I was born in Chicago and lived there till first grade. My father got transferred with his company to northeast Mississippi. I have two older brothers, one older sister, and a younger brother. My parents have most certainly had their rocky times but have stayed together and are a cute little old couple now.

I am Mexican-American (1/2 classic Mexican, 3/8 Spanish, and 1/8 German) and my wife, well, I know has French and claims to have a dab (I think 1/8) Cherokee. I'm not totally sure because she is not either. I'm not sure why really. I think they just sort of think "I'm white" and are happy with that.

It's kinda embarrassing responding to "or you both struggling like most young couples?", because we are not a young couple are in fact sort of struggling. But, all in all, I don't think we're doing too bad. I say that because, though she tends to control everything, one thing I am passionate about is not falling into the credit black hole. So, we don't have alot extra but neither do we have much debt.

Now, about the controlling with finances, etc.. Honestly, I have and do feel betrayed by her. I have told her this just trying to be honest, not shaming or angry. She presented herself differently when we dated. 

To make a long story short, a few months after we got married she started getting between me and my friends, taking over the finances, trying to induce guilt to get me to do everything she wants, etc...

Something else I would like to mention is that she tends to try to be "nice" (perhaps its passive-aggressiveness) to most people in general but unloads on me. In other words, she might be in a bad mood about something that happened 7 hours earlier that she did not deal with and I have to hear about it and deal with her mood. This, in fact, is her norm. Almost every day she goes to work I have to absorb her diatribe about her day.

I don't mind listening and trying to take some of the heat off her, but it's excessive. It's also very annoying because I listen every time, but on other times when I express my feelings about anyting she can be dismissive or defensive.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Chris, 

Thanks for Opening up.

Being french, allot like the Italians is a romance language country which is very passionate, so some of that comes from there, but you also have the same with your heritage (love the fraction breakdown by the way)

Well the thing that really stands out from me...

Her parents divorced while a teenager.

She moved from San Diego to Maine, can't get much different weather there.

Here father cheated on her mother.

I suspect with the divorce and the move was a HUGE issue in her life.

When I move a few towns over as a teenager, I was devasted almost comitting suicide, I was in a dark deep depression.

I suspect she had a really rough time growing up. Not trusting males anymore. I imagine she manipulated her mother into giving her anything she wanted or coax her father into buying anything she wanted, thus creating the passive agressiveness you see.

She wants something and she manipulates the situationt o get her desired result, it worked on her divorced parents, because you see they were trying to compensate for the pain they put their daughter through with gifts, Very common for a Generation Xer like ourselves. 

I think you are good husband and you are doing your best to keep it together, I did the whole Military thing myself and finished college afterwards as well. So kido's to you for forging ahead, be proud.

Back to your wife, she needs help, sounds like you've done allot of personal research already, but stop labeling so quick. 

She needs to get this out, she needs to talk it out with a therapist, see if her company will pay for it. I don't think you need "help" but you need to learn how to deal with her and her state, and only a counselor can show you the ropes.

Don't be afraid to "put it all out there" I am a open book I'll tell you anything you want to hear, or not hear...lol

never be ashamed, ever. That is a submissive trait. Your coddling of her has only empowered her through the years, she is jealous you makes that wedge between you and your friends due to her father and his affair. While that is not you, she can't fantom the idea that you could.

I bet this distance will drive her crazy, has she called you constantly? text? etc Or has she grown distant?

I think you are making the right moves with what you have done (research) 

How is the relationship with her father now? does she communicate with him? Is she working in California now? Seems she has been aching to get back to the west coast.


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

I did not mention that I have been in individual counseling for 3 months so far trying to better myself. The reason I initially went was for anxiety. It sucks sometimes being in a near totally homogenous state, particularly with the hate that's been stirred up about people whom I resemble (immigrants). But, while undergoing counseling, my therapist and I also talk about my coping skills in general. She agrees with you that my wife is long overdue for counseling. 

But, I also want to disclose one of my shortcomings. I grew up in a place that was very inhospitable for me (people starting fights, hurling insults, etc...). Also, you are right on about the father thing. My dad had to deal with his own hell working in a factory with people that were, to say politely, not exactly tolerant. He definitely could have used some help. In the situation he was in he, at least I think, had to put up the "tough outer shell". He was short with me and trying to do anything with him was brutal. Basically, I felt totally psyched out by him because I was always just waiting for him to snap and diminish anything I did. For the record, I wasn't beaten as a child. On his positive side, even though I did not like his behavior at no time did I ever get the feeling he did not love me. My mother was/is extremely loving and affectionate. The biggest thing I wish she would have done differently is prepare me more for practical reality rather than idealistic reallity. She gave very simplisitc advice like "just be nice and work hard", etc... My mother is very fair complected so navigated the community landscape more easily. 


My wife is, at least weekly, in touch with her father (in person). They get along I suppose. I think he's fairly kind but a bit selfish. However, I have not spend enough time with him to really know.

On VERY important thing I forgot to mention is this is my wife's second marriage (no kids from the first). So, basically, her whole life has been witnessing or experiencing failed relationships with men.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Go to a bookstore, a university bookstore if you can and find a book on 
"theraputic communication"

study it and ask your partner to study it too. It would be a good basic for those who do not know how to communicate well.


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## cdwriteme (May 18, 2009)

Preso,

Thanks for your suggestion. My wife and I certainly do have alot of work to do.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

glad to see you got help for yourself, Takes a strong person to do that.

I was going to comment that it had to SUCK growing up in Mississippi and I can only imagine what you went through.

Now living in Georgia, comming from New Jersey I can see the difference in tolerance, being a catholic and a Non-baptist. Seen it first hand.

Second marriage huh? first one husband cheated as well? Yea she needs to get some help, it has to be tough on you.

Glad she reconnected with her father... that is a positive thing.

But I can certainly see her having deep rooted issues, hopefully you can be the stability she needs, but don't hurt yourself to save her. She needs to bridge that gap.

I'm off from work now, I am looking forward to other peoples advice, there are some really good people on here with solid advice, sorry I had to be a bit Obnoxious, but sometimes that makes people open up.

Best of luck Chris,


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Just to make it easier for you, most medical courses have some type of book on theraputic communication. Often its a paperback book and less than 10.00
If you buy it used, even cheaper. Go to your local college bookstore and see what they have. I bet even Jr. college has some books on that, any campus they have any medical training classes.
You can also look online first... amazon and them stores...
then go look at the univesity. There is also half price books.
I'd look online first so you can see how many books there are on the subject as there are many to choose from.

good luck.


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## bluepi5366 (May 18, 2009)

Actually, it sounds like your *wife* has narcissistic personality disorder. You should take a look at this page: 

25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You « A Shrink for Men


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Try communicating when things are calm...if it's something important that you want to speak about.

Use "I feel _____" statements. Example: "I feel disrespected when you toss your clothes on the floor and I'm left to pick up after you."

When you do this it takes the "YOU_____" out of the equation which usually results in defensiveness. 

Just an idea.


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