# communication - could use a man's opinion



## shirley66 (Mar 18, 2009)

History: married 7 years, no sex for the past 4 years until I restarted it last month. He thinks I should be the one to initiate and I didn't want to. I guess we're both pretty stubborn.

Now we do it once a week on the weekend - he still likes me to initiate. One day during the week this week I let him know I was interested. He thinks I was going to watch TV first even tho I said I was not. At that time he went into his room and played computer games the rest of the night.

Later I told him he must have thought I was kidding - but I wasn't. He said I should have come in there to get him.

Maybe he's right - but if he was interested wouldn't he have even come out once to see if I was done watching TV? (by the way I had turned off the TV and didn't turn it back on - I sat and read instead).

I'm trying to reconcile his words with his actions. He says he wants to but then takes no action? What do you make of this? Of course to me it feels like he just doesn't want to say out loud that he doesn't want to do it. If you are a man and have less of a sex drive than your wife maybe that is something most men won't say?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

shirley66-

Can we go back in time a bit?
What caused the sex to stop 4 years ago. Can you talk about the lead-up to that when you were still having sex. How regular was it 5 years ago, who initiated etc?


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## shirley66 (Mar 18, 2009)

When we first got married it started at once a week and then gradually went to once every two weeks and gradually waned from there. It was usually he who initiated. I am very timid and find it difficult to talk about this but am getting better. So I started a conversation and found out he thought I was the one initiating. I think this came from when we first dated and I was the first to ask and start it - but desires were very strong and that was unusual for me. Anyway I think he must be clinging to that memory. So that's fine - I'm doing my best to adopt that role and trying to be more bold but incidents like the other night knock down my confidence a bit.
Also I found out he was holding a grudge against me for falling asleep when we were out of town several years ago and he tried to initiate. My only excuse was a big meal and a drink of alcohol and I was out like a light. I did not remember that happening and apologized.
It is not unusual for him to misunderstand me. It seems that I have to be very specific or he says he just misunderstood. I tend to take it as an excuse - but I don't know if it really is an excuse or if I am just too easily hurt. 
One day he said he'd like an afternoon delight the next day. I showed up ready and he started out by pretending to sleep saying oh I thought sleeping was the afternoon delight. Oh my goodness. He already knows it is difficult for me and to "kid" me like that just makes me feel ... like I'm the only one interested. He carried thru with it but why on earth would a guy do anything to disuade someone trying so hard to have a good time with him. Afterward he makes it seem as if he had as great of a time as I did. I think he is also rather timid and isn't sharing everything he should be - like what I don't know. But when I ask about things he likes he won't ever name anything he just says what I already do is what he likes. I do make an effort. I bought a book to learn new things.

I wish the communication didn't feel like such a monumental effort. Thanks.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

shirley66-

Yours is an amazing story!
Can you explain how 4 years went by?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

shirley66-

Yours is an amazing story!
Can you explain how 4 years went by? Did neither of you complain once?


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## shirley66 (Mar 18, 2009)

Amazing. More like pitiful - I know. I did (complain). That's how the business about me being the initiator came out. I had no idea he thought that. It makes me sad to think I'm the only one complaining. Looking back - I have no idea how I let 4 years go by. Back then, I told him I'd try - but I really didn't much because I didn't know how. I've always been the pursuee if you will - never the persuer. I felt like I had no experience. So the job of actually having to say something - something very specific to get thru to him what I'm actually talking about - that was just too embarrasing. When he's approaching me - he doesn't have to actually say anything - I don't let a touch go by without anticipatory responding. And anyway - we got married late in life - and by this time - I weighed another 20lbs (and so does he) so I thought maybe I was too unattractive.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So in those 4 years, to what extent did you actually want sex?
And guessing, to what extent do you think he was wanting it?


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## shirley66 (Mar 18, 2009)

I thought he wasn't wanting it at all. 
I was crying myself to sleep. The last thing I thought I would be in marriage was lonely.
I find myself able to cope with many things - and sometimes I don't realize what it is doing to me until later. I pushed it down far enough to where I could get by most of the time fine - but then periodically it would surface and I'd have to deal with it. Some of it could have been pride too. You know.. "If he can live without it - then so can I". How stupid is that.
Thinking we had a major break thru I was ready to let the flood gates open - because right now I'm a very tightly wound spring who would like to stay home for a number of weeks and make up for lost time - but after an incident like the other night I think I need to seriously lower my expectations and try to maintain the once a week thing. I'm going to let him know exactly how I am feeling and be very specific in my requests so that there can be no excuse for not understanding. And then the ball will be in his court. That's all I know to do.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

shirley66-

You were right about needing to communicate better. Taking 4 years to realise you both wanted sex, just take my breath away. Truly, I'm asphyxiating here 


May I give you a tip on negotiating...

Aim high.
Tell him you *want *to make up for lost time.
Say once per week is the minimum.
when he agrees to that, say twice would be better.
Keep going until he winces 

Men understand deals.

In the meantime, look at my story here, and the Dr. Tracy link. Her article on inner languages really helped my marriage: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html


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## shirley66 (Mar 18, 2009)

I wouldn't say it took me 4 years to realize it - just 4 years to decide to take charge and make it happen. I wanted so much for my husband to take on that role. Last night it also hit me that I have been overwhelmed during that time period by a serious illness of a family member that changed many of my personal habits and daily routine -even tho I was not the caretaker. A year later I am just feeling like I am becoming myself again.

Anyway, thanks for listening and thanks for the articles. I think the one on inner languages is great. I printed them to share with the hubby this weekend. I like your idea of making a deal. Can't wait to see what the "wince" point will be. I can see right away that I am visual and know he is not, but am not sure which of the other two he is. He is SO not the A personality - he is extremely laid back - yet neat and likes to look nice. I'll have to ask him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

shirley66-
I once bought a brick building that was collapsing so bad, I decided to put pillars up all round the ground floor. I thought that to cover my ass I needed to get the building inspector in, because you need to get permission to make structural changes if it's more than a certain percentage. I was dreading him going berserk when he saw the place, and I was literally praying he would not ask to see upstairs - huge cracks in the bricks you could put your hands in. I don't mean in between the brick, I mean the tension was so bad in the brickwork that the brick themselves were actually rent in two!

Anyway, ha came and I asked him if it was alright to put in the pillars - I was dreading him condemning the building. I will never forget his comment: "Do what you like, you can't make it any worse" - and he never came back!

Well, it reminds me of you stating that you might have a communication problem... The future is bright for you, because almost anything will be an improvement  I really mean that, the future is bright.


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