# How could I?



## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Hello all,

I am brand new here and have come to a point where I can't keep this in any longer. 

Quick breakdown, my husband and I met 12 years ago. I was 19 and he was 22. We were both in college with high hopes of becoming medical professionals. When I was 25 we got engaged but weren't able to move in together due to a lack of finances and strict parents (parents who don't believe in moving in together until marriage). At the age of 26 I moved out of state to complete my lifelong "dream" of getting my degree. This is when I really experienced 'college' life. I made a lot of friends, traveled, had fun, and I got a lot of attention from men and I seemed to like it. We had a group of about 8 close friends, and some of my friends would use dating apps to meet men. Since I would get a lot of attention in public, one of my friends jokingly said we should use my photos to meet guys. I laughed it off... Some time passed and out of curiosity I thought I'd use my photos to see what type of messages I would get. It was all for fun really. I was so STUPID for having 'fun' on those apps while still being engaged. I never met any of those men in person, although I did speak to one over the phone for a while, yet cut most ties after I graduated and moved back. And I have to say I did play along and say some strong things to this man who I was talking to, which made him fall for me. He knew I was involved. I was stupid honestly, it was like I was playing games. 

Once I got back in town after graduation I was planning our wedding, and my fiancé knew nothing at the time of my past actions. We get married, move in together, and all is going well really. We have minor issues here and there with his very picky and particular personality, but I'm used to it. It pisses me off at times, but I deal with it. 

At this point I've been working my 'dream' job for about 3-4 months now and I HATE it. It's super stressful and I dread work each day. I find out I'm pregnant which is a positive, but I end up miscarrying at 6 weeks which breaks my heart. My husband takes it more lightly and just says we will try again. I take it more extreme and find myself sad and confused. I end up going back on these dating apps. And talking to random men, and actually meeting up with them. I met up with 3 men in the midst of 3-4 weeks. I ended drinking with one and kissing him. The other 2 were just a one time meeting/talking type of thing. Shortly afterwards, my husband goes through my phone and finds all the hidden apps I had. He reads everything, see's photos I would send them (I never took photos together with any of the men though). I denied EVERYTHING bc I was so ashamed. My husband was SO hurt and I'm surprised he didn't physically do something to me that night he found out. He did call my father at 2 am but then blamed it as an accidental dial. 

He didn't know what he wanted to do regarding us and tried to make it work... but its been over 3 months since the incident and he told me he can never trust me again and that he'd have to hang his head low for the rest of his life if he were to stay with me. I know he loves me, but he also said he lost ALL respect for me. I'm at such a loss. Please don't bash me for all the immature stuff I've done in the past. I've never slept with anyone else but my husband, but he doesn't believe me. The furthest I've went is kissing... although I have talked to ALOT of men. 

I'm here because the past 3 months have been so depressing and I had another bad breakdown a little while ago. With my stressful work and coming home to an even more stressful home environment, has truly made me hate my life. No one knows of my actions but him and his best friend whom he told. I live with so many regrets... I cry everyday. I've thought of ending my life.. but I won't. I'm just so ashamed of myself. I can't tell my family bc they think everything is great and that I'm about to get pregnant any second. Little do they know. My husband has ups and downs. There was a point he was being sweet and actually wanted to have children with me again.. and then there are times where he hates my guts. Lately, its been the latter. He says all my crying and apologizing is futile. And that I am naive to think we will work again. 

I just turned 33 years old, I don't have any children, I hate my career that I worked my ass for, and I yet still don't own a home living in LA. What a waste of life sometimes I feel. If we do divorce, I probably won't find someone until I'm 37 and who knows about having children at that age. I've wanted kids ever since I was 22 and it's like I did this to myself. 

I feel like I live a nightmare everyday, but its my reality. I'm so sincerely sorry for what I've done. I just don't want to lose my husband and my family. I don't want to let everyone down. What do I do? I know I probably don't deserve my husband anymore. How do I cope? Is there hope for us maybe? Anyone been through something similar?

Thanks for reading. I know my actions make me sound ultra stupid - but I've learned a lot from this and all I want is my family back. I want to be a mother. I want to have a family with my husband. 

Thanks for listening.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

The excitement you feel with the other guys is clearly important to you. I don't mean the guys are important but that excitement feeling is highly addictive. Is there no way you can create that feeling with your husband?

I think you should stop focusing on the problem and relax and let yourself find a solution. Trust yourself.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I can relate to the miscarriage, I made a huge mistake there as well. A little back story from me. Wife and I tried to get pregnant for fifteen years. We tried fertility and invetro fertilization. No success. We began trying in 99, and in 2009 she miscarried. I was devastated, thought I would never hear a child call me dad. I hid my feelings from my wife and helped her to recover from the miscarriage. I figured she didn't need my problems on top of how she felt.

My wife has an affair for six months in 2010 and ending in January of 2011. The affair produced twin boys. My wife confessed in January of 2014. Two days after confessing the affair she came clean about the paternity. So yes, I know a little of what you are going through. 

First you are three months from dday, that's still very early. I advise for the betrayed spouse to wait six months before making a decision. This is so the betrayed can make a decision from strength and not from emotion. During this time is critical for you. At this time you should be willing to move mountains, making your spouse feel safe, and remorse, not regret begin to fill you. I get you are sorry, I get you are ashamed, and I get that you made some very bad choices. 

Reading what you wrote you should be seeking IC to understand why you run to other men. Your husband needs IC to sort his emotions to becoming a healthier person. When your husband realizes he will be fine with or without you in his life can he make his decision from strength. I know that's pretty brutal to read, but his decision cannot be made from fear or emotion. 

Once you have both started the above can you begin to move forward. I will tell you this, reconciliation isn't for the weak. You commit fully and all in if you decide to go this route. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to accept the fact that even though you didn't sleep with any of those men and the "worst" you did was kissing you were still cheating. In fact it sounds like you've been cheating on your husband for about half of your entire relationship and now he knows it. If you're not in therapy you should be, and I'm not talking about marriage counseling. You need to figure out why you thought it was okay to do any of what you did to begin with. Why you thought it was okay to flirt, meet up with, and get physical with other men despite risking your marriage and your future family.

Anyone with any common sense would be telling your husband to file for divorce and be glad there are no kids in the picture. But good luck regardless of what happens.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You are not bad but you are following impulses to have your needs met. You need to tweak your relationship so your husband gives those impulses that you enjoy so much. Use your imagination.....cheating is a cop out. If you can't find a way to feel the right way about your husband then do you and him a favour and end it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Look this is your life. Quit running away from it and crying and most of all using it as an excuse for your ****ty actions. Time to put your adult pants on and deal with it. I am not going to parse my words because you need to hear the truth. (plus everyone else will comfort you and I don't parse my words)

You are at a crossroads. So far you have been a pretty selfish and ****ty girlfriend/wife to this man. Here is a hint, there are going to be any number of men who want to **** you. Not for you but because men like to have sex. The way you are going their are going to be very few who want to love you. This is probably it for you (assuming your husband can forgive you), your last chance before you end up doing serious unrecoverable damage to your life. The kind that really shapes your whole future and not for the better. There is no guarantee though as he may be done but at least it sounds like he is giving you a chance. 

You are still pretty young. But not so young as you don't have to really work HARD to recover. You will have to see if your husband can really get over this. Unfortunately you may not know that for a long time, probably ever. You have shown him there is no loyalty in your love. You will have to wait and see if he can overcome that. He will always be asking the question now, why should I be loyal? I am telling you this as you should know the pandora's box you have opened. Don't open it any further. Do things to fix it. 

Ether way you have to fix yourself so --

First of all are you telling the truth? Somehow I don't believe you which means your husband probably doesn't believe you. You should book a polygraph and give him the results. That would be the first way to earn back his trust. Or does he know the full truth? Why didn't you go further with these men? If you are still lying you are only hurting yourself. Your future and your kids future. Now is probably your last chance with this man to tell the full truth. If you want to fix it the first step is to tell the whole truth. Get a polygraph. 

Lets assume you are, maybe you can recover from a kiss. Maybe, but you need to change. But now is not the time for you to feel sorry for yourself. Again this is selfish, YOU did this, quit crying for yourself and start thinking about your husband. It fits your patter, things get hard and you fold or run away to other men. You need to be stronger then that. Get the book Help your spouse heal from your affair. Read it. Also Not just friends. Follow those books they are always recommended. Get into counseling. Be honest with your counselor and yourself. You are a long term serial cheater. Just because you didn't sleep with them (if you are telling the truth) doesn't mean you didn't lie and cheat. 

Also we all can guess what kind of pictures were exchanged. Those will be burned into your husbands brain for a long time. Hopefully you have sent your husband those kind of pictures? Nothing is worse the wishing you were your spouses affair partner because they got the better deal, sexual, affectionately, romantically. You would do well to remember that. Not now but if things get better. I guarantee it will be on his mind and weighted as part of the chose to stay he makes every day.

If you read the advice on here or any relationship site and you will find the default given is to run far away from a serial cheater. That they never change. Seems with you every time your life is hard you bail or worse you betray a man who loves you. That sucks. Stop doing it, that doesn't mean crying it means working. If you can't do it for your husband do it for yourself. If you have kids one day will you cheat on them too? That is where you are headed no matter if this man is their father or not. Because your desperation to fill your issues with men's attention is going to lead you down that path. Do you want a successful long term relationship? Again you WON'T have one, period, if you keep going where you are headed. The end for you is 2 divorces and being 60 years old dating some looser you met on an app. That is where you are headed. You need to get into counseling and fix it. Have you started looking for IC (Individual Counseling)?

So you hate your job, lots of people hate there job that doesn't cause them to cheat. Besides that your career isn't a life sentence if you don't like it change it. It's sad about your miscarry but you could have used it to bring you closer together. If you though he didn't care why didn't you talk to him. That is how you build a good marriage, you talk it out you work together. If he is a good man he could have helped you. 

Personally I think that is all bull****. The truth is you like attention. Before these problems you were seeking out strange men's attention to validate you. You are unhealthy in that you use it as a coping mechanism, much like an alcoholic. You drank and drove and had an accident but you haven't killed anyone yet (assuming you are telling the truth). This is your come to Jesus moment, hope you change. Speaking of that, sounds like you are religious, did you learn nothing from that? Maybe you should have listen to your parents. You say they would be pissed, maybe it's because they don't want to see you ruin your life. Other poeple's life. I am not going to tell you to tell them, but adults face the consequences of there actions. They live authentic lives they don't hide form them. Isn't it time you faced this as an adult? Just saying.

I have said all this because no matter what happens in your marriage I am trying to impress on you how serious this all is. You should not be feeling bad for yourself you should be moving heaven and earth to change yourself. You only get one life, you are 30 years old. 

Finally this last part is for your husband. Probably the most important question that can be asked is do you love your husband? Really? Are you attracted to him? If any of those questions are no then do him a favor and leave him. He is still young and frankly can do better. If he were on here most of us would tell him as much, right now you are a very immature 30 year old serial cheater. That's you. You know in your heart he deserves better. You do also from yourself. If you are going to stay with him then be better. Time to grow up. 

And if you can't leave him. Go have fun and get as much attention from strange men as you want. That is not wrong necessarily but it is if you are married. Maybe you married too young. You are not irreplaceable and he is young enough that he can recover without it costing him the rest of his life, his kids life. 

One more thing. consider posting on SurvivingInfidelity.com wayword section. There are some people who post just like you. They can give you some incite on who you are. You should also post on here as we will probably do a better job of keeping you on the straight and narrow. But not a lot of WS (wayword spouses) post on here, probably because we are honest. There are some great reformed ones here though who know their stuff and will probably add to this post. You should cultivate some moral girlfriends. They also help keep you on the straight and narrow. You can still change this, fix yourself. Listening and doing hard work, that is where you will find your hope. You have it in you to do it if you want.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Please seek counseling quickly.

Regardless of other issues, nothing will be resolved healthily until you do not feel suicidal and hopeless.

There is always hope.

For both of you.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

In my opinion a man and woman need to worship each other to feel happiness. When someone is properly worshiped all their needs are met and they don't stray. The problem is that there are some funky needs out there, your perfect match is someone you can worship effortlessly, that's because you know you are getting everything you need in return....so you both have balance. OK so this is idealistic but I still believe in it. If only one person worships the other then there will be only one happy person in the home and that aint the one doing the worshipping.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

What would do if your husband did this to you?


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

Are you guys going to MC or IC.?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

May I ask was this marriage arranged?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Newgem It will take time for your husband to be able to trust you, again. If he ever can.

Is it possible that you resented your husband's ability to get over your miscarriage so -apparently- easily?

And that you went back to your dating apps at least in part to "punish" him?

I think that counselling for you would be of benefit, to help you work through your issues dating back to the miscarriage, perhaps beyond.

Your husband needs counselling to help him get through your betrayal, and couple's counselling would also be of benefit for both of you, whether or not he can get beyond what you did to him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Get a polygraph.


Agree. If his main issue is not believing you didn't have sex, offer to take a polygraph.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NewJem,

You wrote, *The furthest I've went is kissing...*

Please don't tell your H it was only kissing, kissing is the most intimate act and it's frequently the first one to leave a marriage when the romance begins to disappear. Kissing is serious and can transmit STDs, HPV, Syphilis and Gonorrhea can be transmitted that way. 

Did your H talk with the wives or GF of these OM? They need to be exposed.

Tamat


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

It's all down to him to decide to want to trust you again and you have to do everything and anything to earn that trust. If it can even be earned.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP: time to pause and think carefully about what you want from life. You are unhappy. This isn't going to just go away. 

You may need counseling for your miscarriage, but there is more than that going on here.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Since there are no children in the marriage at this point, I would cut my losses for the both of you. You either are not happy (and have never been) with this particular man, or you are not the type to find happiness in a monogamous relationship. 

Why do I say this? Well, because the first chance you got during your relationship (moving out of state) you went directly to a dating app. Then, while being married, at the first onslaught of stress you go BACK to the dating app. You seek validation in the approval of other men. The approval of your own man no longer does it for you (although I'm leaning towards to notion that he has never done it for you). 

I do not believe you are in love with your husband. I believe you have love FOR him, but stay because it's what is comfortable for you amidst a job you hate and parents who are none the wiser to the 'real' you.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

smi11ie said:


> In my opinion a man and woman need to worship each other to feel happiness. When someone is properly worshiped all their needs are met and they don't stray. The problem is that there are some funky needs out there, your perfect match is someone you can worship effortlessly, that's because you know you are getting everything you need in return....so you both have balance. OK so this is idealistic but I still believe in it. If only one person worships the other then there will be only one happy person in the home and that aint the one doing the worshipping.


 @smi11ie Thank you for all your responses. Absolutely right, I do love the excitement and challenge of first meeting someone. Have I ever tried to find that in my husband? Honestly I haven't tried. I'm just so used to his personality and how he is, I don't even try. Maybe thats my problem. Maybe I strayed bc I felt like I wasn't 'worshipped' enough. He probably feels the same about me.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

@drifting on , I appreciate you telling me your story. It's so shocking to say the least. What ended up happening after you found out the paternity? Sometimes I feel I focus and want something so much it makes things worse and delays the process. I will take your advice. I'm not currently in the process of IC (I had no clue what 'IC' meant but after reading more posts someone clarified it). I am going to begin IC and do whatever I can to make this work. Thanks again.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

@sokillme .. As I was reading your post I literally turned red. I felt like you were calling me out on a lot of ****. Thank YOU for being so honest with me and telling me like it is.

Honestly, I am telling the truth - I haven't had sex with any of those men and I will gladly take a polygraph. Thank you for giving me this option as I think he will be very surprised that I would do something like this. Anyone recommend one in LA? I did some research and some range from $150-$600. Does it really matter?

I will look into the other links you've posted. The books you've posted. I will do it all. 

"The end for you is 2 divorces and being 60 years old dating some looser you met on an app." This really hit home for me. 

"Before these problems you were seeking out strange men's attention to validate you. You are unhealthy in that you use it as a coping mechanism, much like an alcoholic. You drank and drove and had an accident but you haven't killed anyone yet (assuming you are telling the truth). This is your come to Jesus moment, hope you change. Speaking of that, sounds like you are religious, did you learn nothing from that? Maybe you should have listen to your parents. You say they would be pissed, maybe it's because they don't want to see you ruin your life. Other poeple's life. I am not going to tell you to tell them, but adults face the consequences of there actions. They live authentic lives they don't hide form them. Isn't it time you faced this as an adult? Just saying." Thank you for this as well. 

I feel like there is no hope, but I'm going to work hard and start being an adult.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

No we are not in counseling. I'm going to start though.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

Have you ever sat down with yourself and/or with your H and discussed what an ideal marriage means to you, what you want your marriage to look like in 10 years or 20 years? Maybe it is time.

If you are honest with yourself, you will destroy all the dating apps as they cannot positively improve your marriage in any way. You will also look at yourself in the mirror and ask why are you testing your faithfulness to your husband? Are you hoping you will fail your tests of fidelity? Why would that be? Are you trying to punish yourself or your husband for something?

IC may be your best hope at turning things around. Even if it costs real money, it is probably a lot less expensive than paying two divorce attorneys.

Good luck.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> May I ask was this marriage arranged?


Not arranged, but I am with someone from my own culture, and my parents are extremely old fashioned and culture/family is everything for them so I always wanted to keep them happy in that regard. My brother is divorced and it has impacted my family tremendously for the past 20 years, I even remember it being such a huge tragedy when I was in middle school when it happened, so keeping my parents happy is important for me.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am brand new here and have come to a point where I can't keep this in any longer.
> 
> ...


He doesn't believe that you didn't have sex with them. I don't blame him. But I do believe you. Go get a polygraph even if he doesn't want you to, and give him the results. Make sure that one of the questions is that you have not had sex including oral sex with anyone else since your relationship started.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Newgem said:


> No we are not in counseling. I'm going to start though.


GREAT. If you can get him to go to marraige counseling that'd be good too.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

@MattMatt I think I resented the fact that my husband wasn't able to financially provide and have a home for us early on when we got engaged and that I had to wait to have children so honestly I still have internal resentment from the past - I think this is why when I moved out of state I didn't care and changed as a person. And maybe have resentment about the miscarriage thing too. It's a combination of things. I always feel like I should be so much further along in life than I am now and everyday I put myself down and become very negative about this.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem said:


> @drifting on , I appreciate you telling me your story. It's so shocking to say the least. What ended up happening after you found out the paternity? Sometimes I feel I focus and want something so much it makes things worse and delays the process. I will take your advice. I'm not currently in the process of IC (I had no clue what 'IC' meant but after reading more posts someone clarified it). I am going to begin IC and do whatever I can to make this work. Thanks again.




Truthfully? I didn't think it was possible to be more devastated and destroyed then I already was. I stood in a field surrounded by ruins of what I thought was a life I had liked. Eventually I became suicidal, put a weapon to my head and pulled the trigger, the gun jammed. Something else I couldn't get right was my belief. I work part time in a medical field, trying to fake my way was brutally hard, yet I couldn't let anyone know what happened. I told my sister after that, she then revealed she had been cheating for fourteen years. What do I do now, what support do I have? I got info IC and put everything I had into it. I self reflected to my very core. Fighting to become a healthy person, but wishing I died to end the pain. At six months I had come pretty far, and I made my decision from a place of strength. That doesn't mean I still won't stuggle, or that bad days wont happen, but I was confident my decision was best for me. 

I offered my wife the gift of reconciliation. We are currently more the three and a half years past dday. We have a much better marriage, we communicate much better, we are much more vulnerable to each other. Hard truths and feelings are discussed, nothing is sugar coated or seen through rose colored glasses. My wife is in IC, we did MC (marriage counseling) to improve. I have become a much better person and spouse, as has my wife. We both committed fully to get to where we are today, two much healthier people. 

In your answer to sm11lie you have me a bit frustrated. You mention that your husband did not worship you. I did worship my wife, she was on a pedestal and I couldn't believe my luck. This is in my opinion not a healthy place to be. Once you are on a pedestal your marriage is off kilter. You are both equal and have a say in the marriage. You both must make sacrifices to the marriage. All relationships can go on cruise control, but you need to recognize that and get the control back so you are interactive with each other instead of just cruising. Hope I have answered your questions. Also, I would look into the shame and humiliation your husband is feeling. Ask him about this, learning how he feels will be good for you to know.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> NewJem,
> 
> You wrote, *The furthest I've went is kissing...*
> 
> ...


 @TAMAT From my understanding these other men were all single. None were married or had a GF. I honestly feel really bad bc I played along with many of them and one of them in particular really got attached and emotional and hurt. I'm the one who needs to be exposed and needs major help.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

Newgem said:


> No we are not in counseling. I'm going to start though.


Ok 

Btw you need professional help about your seeking attention from other men:smile2:


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Kissing another man, meeting three men for dates while your still newly married is not a good sign at all. You cannot be happy in this marriage or with with your husband and still do this, sounds like you might be fooling yourself if you say you are happy.

Sounds like you want a baby and are 33 and are worried that your time is slipping so you want for your husband to stick around so you can try again. But, do you really love your husband? You are definitely not fully committed to him given your actions, you know dating three other men.

Since you have no children and your husband is still young, he should leave you and find a slightly younger woman to settle with and have a family with. You are young enough that another man will fall for you and marry you and you could have a family as well, if the new man can get over the fact that you cheated on your previous spouse.

Let your husband go if he deserves a better wife than you have been to him. Why would you want someone to love to have to hang his head low for the rest of his life ashamed and broken hearted that his wife ran around behind his back?

Wish you well.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

There must be something about your husband that excites you. You should get his help to explore that and find out what excites him about you, then explore that too. It might lead to a more fulfilling relationship or you might decide there is not enough there....but at least you can say you tried.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> @sokillme .. As I was reading your post I literally turned red. I felt like you were calling me out on a lot of ****. Thank YOU for being so honest with me and telling me like it is.
> 
> Honestly, I am telling the truth - I haven't had sex with any of those men and I will gladly take a polygraph. Thank you for giving me this option as I think he will be very surprised that I would do something like this. Anyone recommend one in LA? I did some research and some range from $150-$600. Does it really matter?
> 
> ...


Where there is life their is hope. I have no doubt you can do it if really you want to, and you are still young. Their are good people on here an that other site who have done it, but it requires changing your mindset. You need to learn what love really is. I don't believe it is worshiping your partner as the poster above said. That is unsustainable because we are all human and have failings besides that eventually that excitement you first have fades as you get use to the person. Besides that, your partner is not there to fulfill you. You do that for yourself. To do that you need to be a well rounded person and have moral friends and hobbies aside from your partner. You should marry a person because you love them and want to give yourself to them. That's should be the reason, all you have a right to expect is love, respect, loyalty and effort in return but not fulfillment. Again no one can give you that. 

Love is also not the excitement that you get when you meet someone, or really when you know they are interested or attracted to you. Tell the truth that is what you are craving when you do this stuff. You want to be desired by new men because it makes you feel valued. That doesn't have anything to do with love. Besides that what are you being valued for? 

Honestly let me speak as a man, those men don't value you at all. They want to get the rush of the physical act of sex. It's like hunting for them. You mean as much to them as a deer a hunter shoots. We are not talking about men who are looking for a long term mate here. It's the shallowest of attention. Just enough to get to the goal. Presumably they know you are married. If they don't then you are being just a cruel to them as your husband. Now maybe you know all this, if so what does that say about your damage? Don't you think you need to fix that like soon. Isn't that really no different then someone addicted to drugs? Doesn't lead to the same burned out results?

Your husband has built his whole entire purpose is to make a life with you? He covets your body and sexuality much more then any of these other men. Think about it, if these other men were to find out that you had sex with someone else would it devastate them? Nope they would move on to the next prey. It would devastate your husband. I never understood why some women don't get that. Why not play into that. Enjoy that, give that side of yourself to him fully. This at it's most basic form is what marriage is to a good man. He builds his whole whole world around his wife. He loves and covets her as his own, body and soul. That is love. You have or at least had that. Why was that not enough? Why do you deserve more, why does anyone? 

Anyway I believe a lot of your issue is just plain immaturity. But it's time. If you really want hope then you must do the work. Like an Olympic athlete. You have set up some pretty dangerous patterns in your decision making. Things that take professional help and long term focus to change. Just like any other skill, like dieting, or learning to play piano. I will require a lifestyle change. If you want a healthy life. If you want your future kids to have a happy family YOU NEED TO DO IT.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> @MattMatt I think I resented the fact that my husband wasn't able to financially provide and have a home for us early on when we got engaged and that I had to wait to have children so honestly I still have internal resentment from the past - I think this is why *when I moved out of state I didn't care and changed as a person*. And maybe have resentment about the miscarriage thing too. It's a combination of things. I always feel like I should be so much further along in life than I am now and everyday I put myself down and become very negative about this.


Respectfully you didn't change. You did this while you were dating. Attention from men is your goto drug. Probably because you are attractive and it is easy I suspect. When things got hard you went back to your drug of choice. But life is hard you need better coping skills.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

drifting on said:


> Truthfully? I didn't think it was possible to be more devastated and destroyed then I already was. I stood in a field surrounded by ruins of what I thought was a life I had liked. Eventually I became suicidal, put a weapon to my head and pulled the trigger, the gun jammed. Something else I couldn't get right was my belief. I work part time in a medical field, trying to fake my way was brutally hard, yet I couldn't let anyone know what happened. I told my sister after that, she then revealed she had been cheating for fourteen years. What do I do now, what support do I have? I got info IC and put everything I had into it. I self reflected to my very core. Fighting to become a healthy person, but wishing I died to end the pain. At six months I had come pretty far, and I made my decision from a place of strength. That doesn't mean I still won't stuggle, or that bad days wont happen, but I was confident my decision was best for me.
> 
> I offered my wife the gift of reconciliation. We are currently more the three and a half years past dday. We have a much better marriage, we communicate much better, we are much more vulnerable to each other. Hard truths and feelings are discussed, nothing is sugar coated or seen through rose colored glasses. My wife is in IC, we did MC (marriage counseling) to improve. I have become a much better person and spouse, as has my wife. We both committed fully to get to where we are today, two much healthier people.
> 
> In your answer to sm11lie you have me a bit frustrated. You mention that your husband did not worship you. I did worship my wife, she was on a pedestal and I couldn't believe my luck. This is in my opinion not a healthy place to be. Once you are on a pedestal your marriage is off kilter. You are both equal and have a say in the marriage. You both must make sacrifices to the marriage. All relationships can go on cruise control, but you need to recognize that and get the control back so you are interactive with each other instead of just cruising. Hope I have answered your questions. Also, I would look into the shame and humiliation your husband is feeling. Ask him about this, learning how he feels will be good for you to know.


 @drifting on, I am glad you stayed posting on here. You have to update us about your sister at some point on another thread maybe. 14 years is beyond brutal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Respectfully you didn't change. You did this while you were dating. Attention from men is your goto drug. Probably because you are attractive and it is easy I suspect. When things got hard you went back to your drug of choice. But life is hard you need better coping skills.


There are a lot of other reasons that need to be examined, too. Feeling like a failure as a woman, resenting her husband, or even resenting herself?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem 

One thing I hope you fully understand, I tell you of my pain so that you learn. So that you commit to yourself to finding a healthier way of life. I think @sokillme is correct in saying you are very attractive and it is easy for you to garner the attention of males. Having said that, I know it is possible to make bad choices, but you have the power to change yourself. Self reflect until it hurts so bad you don't think you can go on. Think of the toxic actions you brought into your marriage before your transgressions. Find your deep inner core and make changes that are more healthy for you. 

I sincerely hope you are not thinking of yourself in the worst way. I hope you don't think posters are trying to cause more pain. Instead I hope you see what you are being told, that several bad choices are not your defining moment. Your defining moment hasn't happened yet, but it will soon when you become healthier. With the right therapist you have hope, with the right therapist you can change to becoming the best you possible. 

It is true that many have suffered as a result of infidelity, but you can still have hope. You are not a bad person newgem, you made bad choices and now have to change. I'm not minimizing what has happened, your choices have crushed your husband, learn in IC to correct this. Make your husband feel safe, give truthful answers, take a polygraph with a police examiner. The polygraph is a tool, it's the examiner who makes the tool worth it. Have your husband make the list of questions, they must be direct and yes or no. Example, have you had sex with anyone other then (husbands name) since you married. These are the types of questions that should be asked. Have your husband seal them in an envelope to give to the examiner. You should not know in advance what the questions will be. 

Nobody is attacking or insulting you, you are being given hard truths about infidelity. Your husband is also being given hard truths, and right now he's on a roller coaster of emotions. This roller coaster is one you can't get off of. So understand he will be scattered emotionally. Support him, give him space, and set a time to discuss the infidelity. If either of you become angry or defensive you stop the talking. Come back to it at a later time, but no more then twenty four hours. Your communication right now is vitally important, and it must be constructive communication. Your husband will soon be hitting the anger stage, don't be shocked, when rage hits you need to be very careful with your communication. Hoping that my posts have helped you to understand the damage that has been done. If you need anything feel free to ask questions.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@Newgem how is it going?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Drifting on,
One of my clients found himself in your position. She came clean about the paternity. He initiated a lawsuit against the AP, the AP laughed it off, (real winner, Skinner) did not even bother to show up for court. He should have really looked at the papers and hired a lawyer. He was sued for child support. My client made the suit punitive to the sixth power. The AP lost. In our part of the country, we have a family responsibility office, and they enforce child support. The AP one fine day got a pay packet. It was essentially 45% of normal. Goes through the payroll office to discover a garnishment. He found out that he had lost his case (because he was a shmuck), and he had court ordered and state enforced child support. Last thing I heard is that AP has left the country. My client, has told his wife that she had better come up with the funds to support herself and the child as he has filed for divorce, finally, and since there was a finalized lawsuit for child support, the courts were not inclined to go after him for support. (He refused to sign the birth certificate, as he was advised, and she named the AP on there) She has to figure out how to navigate life without a husband, or a plan B. Just a child, that is a constant reminder of her blatant stupidity. My client is remarried, he has nothing to do with his ex.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Newgem said:


> The furthest I've went is kissing... although I have talked to ALOT of men.


Yeah right... trickle truth your husband don't don't play us for fools. 

It seems your entire relationship even while dating is built on lies and deception around you serially cheating on him via dating apps. Having kids with you would be the worst move your husband ever made because he'll just end up in the same boat a few years down the road but owing tens of thousands in child support.

You're a serial cheater and are addicted to male attention, you're not likely going to change. You would be a very bad bet going forward.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

My initial thought was to give you a tongue lashing. However if you are truly sorry and remorseful you need to cut off any friendships with the opposite sex now and in the future. Show true repent for your actions. Stop blaming everyone else and the stresses of your job for what you do. It sounds like you might have a bit of depression. Have you seen a doctor?


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

Primrose said:


> Since there are no children in the marriage at this point, I would cut my losses for the both of you. You either are not happy (and have never been) with this particular man, or you are not the type to find happiness in a monogamous relationship.
> 
> Why do I say this? Well, because the first chance you got during your relationship (moving out of state) you went directly to a dating app. Then, while being married, at the first onslaught of stress you go BACK to the dating app. You seek validation in the approval of other men. The approval of your own man no longer does it for you (although I'm leaning towards to notion that he has never done it for you).
> 
> I do not believe you are in love with your husband. I believe you have love FOR him, but stay because it's what is comfortable for you amidst a job you hate and parents who are none the wiser to the 'real' you.


OP, I see that you liked the post quoted above. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider setting your husband free to find someone who will love him like a husband. Also, consider worrying less about pleasing your parents and be yourself. Life is too short to pretend for others.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

doconiram said:


> OP, I see that you liked the post quoted above. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider setting your husband free to find someone who will love him like a husband. Also, consider worrying less about pleasing your parents and be yourself. Life is too short to pretend for others.


If she doesn't give him a divorce it's only because she's 33 and wants a baby and knows starting from scratch may leave her childless, which is ****ty, because she'll do it again once the baby is a little older. She's definitely not feeling her husband at all. She married based on a mountain of lies about her infidelity, they've never actually had a marriage or real relationship, it's all been a facade.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Sports Fan said:


> My initial thought was to give you a tongue lashing. However if you are truly sorry and remorseful you need to cut off any friendships with the opposite sex now and in the future. Show true repent for your actions. Stop blaming everyone else and the stresses of your job for what you do. It sounds like you might have a bit of depression. Have you seen a doctor?


No I haven't seen a doctor lol. And I'm not depressed, more so ashamed of my actions.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

doconiram said:


> OP, I see that you liked the post quoted above. With that in mind, perhaps you should consider setting your husband free to find someone who will love him like a husband. Also, consider worrying less about pleasing your parents and be yourself. Life is too short to pretend for others.


Yeah I liked it bc its interesting what people write. It's been interesting reading everyones responses. And the main reason I liked it is bc @Primrose said that I am not IN LOVE with my husband and that I do have love for him which I think has some truth to it. 

Yeah I'm not in love. How long does being "in love" last for most people anyway


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Yeah right... trickle truth your husband don't don't play us for fools.
> 
> It seems your entire relationship even while dating is built on lies and deception around you serially cheating on him via dating apps. Having kids with you would be the worst move your husband ever made because he'll just end up in the same boat a few years down the road but owing tens of thousands in child support.
> 
> You're a serial cheater and are addicted to male attention, you're not likely going to change. You would be a very bad bet going forward.


I'm not likely going to change? I'm a serial cheater? Thanks for that lol. A lot of people have been saying this and I'm looking to explore this concept. I think anyone can change if they dedicate themselves and have support


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> @Newgem how is it going?


Hello there. Its going... planning on getting that polygraph this weekend hopefully. Kind of exploring some of the things you and others have written regarding my personality and so forth. I never really thought of this but I guess I do have an addictive personality. It's all up to me to change. 

Doing some self-reflecting I've also realized I'm a pretty selfish person. Working on it..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Yeah I liked it bc its interesting what people write. It's been interesting reading everyones responses. And the main reason I liked it is bc @Primrose said that I am not IN LOVE with my husband and that I do have love for him which I think has some truth to it.
> 
> Yeah I'm not in love. How long does being "in love" last for most people anyway


That is a bad sign. 

Personally you may be mistaking infatuation or what they call limerence as love. That feeling doesn't last for anyone usually 2 or 3 years. I describe the love I have for my wife as the feeling I used to get when it was snowing and I could stay home from school. It's not a burning hot intensity like a waterfall but more like a river. A force that cuts it's path in my heart, it's not raging anymore but it's steady path has dominated the landscape. 

You desperately need some IC. DON'T HAVE KIDS until you get all this straight. Honestly though if you think you are not in love with him then end it. He deserves someone who is in love with him and knows what it is. 

That won't solve your problem though because the next guy will become ordinary too. Life isn't a romance novel. Even still love is not enough to make a marriage or a relationship last. I actually think love really isn't that important to having a relationship last. People have had good marriages who were not in love. (I wouldn't want one but it can happen) People have been madly in love and had terrible relationships. 

Again you need IC, like tomorrow, and DON'T HAVE KIDS YET.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

drifting on said:


> Newgem
> 
> One thing I hope you fully understand, I tell you of my pain so that you learn. So that you commit to yourself to finding a healthier way of life. I think @sokillme is correct in saying you are very attractive and it is easy for you to garner the attention of males. Having said that, I know it is possible to make bad choices, but you have the power to change yourself. Self reflect until it hurts so bad you don't think you can go on. Think of the toxic actions you brought into your marriage before your transgressions. Find your deep inner core and make changes that are more healthy for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for telling me and everyone else about your past. I am glad the gun jammed and you had this opportunity once more. You are strong.

I appreciate you being positive in your responses to me. Honestly, I appreciate everyone whether the messages are positive or negative. I've got so much to learn.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Yeah I liked it bc its interesting what people write. It's been interesting reading everyones responses. And the main reason I liked it is bc @Primrose said that I am not IN LOVE with my husband and that I do have love for him which I think has some truth to it.
> 
> Yeah I'm not in love. *How long does being "in love" last for most people anyway*


I liked it :x

Yes you are right The "in love" thing does not last longer but it doesn't mean that we should just leave our spouses and find another one Because this is wrong.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Newgem said:


> I'm not likely going to change? I'm a serial cheater? Thanks for that lol. A lot of people have been saying this and I'm looking to explore this concept. I think anyone can change if they dedicate themselves and have support


You can change but it would take a lot of therapy and work, I have a pretty good idea what you're dealing with but it's not wise to diagnose someone on the Internet.

No amount of therapy is going to make you love your husband. You seem to be concerned that at 33 if he divorces it would take too long to get another man to commit and give you a child. You admit to not being in love with him and it's likely you never were. You just found a "good guy" and you could cheat on the side, no one knows no harm done. And I don't believe for a second that you've been talking to and meeting a lot of men on dating sites since before you even married and have only kissed one, it's not a believable story at all. It's also a very common script to sucker a more beta dude into marriage, then continue to act single and bed better looking men. If you don't love your husband, give him a divorce so he can find someone who does without all the baggage of you, kids, and child support.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Taxman said:


> Drifting on,
> One of my clients found himself in your position. She came clean about the paternity. He initiated a lawsuit against the AP, the AP laughed it off, (real winner, Skinner) did not even bother to show up for court. He should have really looked at the papers and hired a lawyer. He was sued for child support. My client made the suit punitive to the sixth power. The AP lost. In our part of the country, we have a family responsibility office, and they enforce child support. The AP one fine day got a pay packet. It was essentially 45% of normal. Goes through the payroll office to discover a garnishment. He found out that he had lost his case (because he was a shmuck), and he had court ordered and state enforced child support. Last thing I heard is that AP has left the country. My client, has told his wife that she had better come up with the funds to support herself and the child as he has filed for divorce, finally, and since there was a finalized lawsuit for child support, the courts were not inclined to go after him for support. (He refused to sign the birth certificate, as he was advised, and she named the AP on there) She has to figure out how to navigate life without a husband, or a plan B. Just a child, that is a constant reminder of her blatant stupidity. My client is remarried, he has nothing to do with his ex.


Talk about justice.

Newgem, I'm sure the wife in this story was sorry too.

Infidelity devastates the betrayed spouse and obliterates the marriage. Your husband is looking at his entire marriage as a lie. It shakes a person to the core to realize that one was living in a fantasy and that one didn't have a clue about the lies. He will trust himself again, but he will not trust you.

You won't be able to convince your husband to stay in the marriage if he doesn't want to, but you can make yourself a better person, and a faithful wife to your next husband if you figure your your character flaw and deal with it head on.

You won't be able to "just stop" seeking the attention of multiple new men. It is an addiction that has become part of your character.

Something you will have to dig into and face is this: how could you carry on secretly, day after day, and lie to your husband's face by pretending that you were a faithful wife? In order for you to lie like that, and pretend to your husband that everything was as he thought they should be, you have to have a serious disconnect with your conscience. When your conscience keeps you from doing things that you don't want to have to lie about you will be a more authentic person, and a trustworthy person.

You only felt bad about what you have been doing because your husband caught you. I'm not trying to bash on you, just tell you the truth. Had he not caught you, you would have continued doing it, wouldn't you? What inside of you allows you to live a lie, and disregard the feelings and truths of other people, men? When you understand that, I believe that you will be on the road to fixing that part of you so you can be an authentic person.

Another thing that caught my attention in your posts is that you said you resented your husband for not having the money to provide for you in the early years so you weren't able to get married and have children earlier when you wanted to. Did you pursue your degree as a time filler while you waited for him to be ready for you? Did you not really plan to work in your field, but thought you'd get married and have a family once he could afford it?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Newgem said:


> I think anyone can change if they dedicate themselves and have support


I think your thinking is correct. Although, I am usually in the "once a cheater, always..." contingent.

I think "once a cheater, always...." is a valid truth because the VAST MAJORITY of cheaters remain cheaters. They do not dedicate themselves to changing themselves,
they dedicate themselves to changing their spouses. And, at the very moment their "support" tells them the truth about themselves, they leave the support.

It would be very poor advice for me to say anything else to a spouse who is trying to desperately hold on to someone who has deluded themselves completely
into believing that their adultery is their spouse's fault. Because it is quite true that their spouse is always going to be a cheater.

But having the extreme dedication and staying with the support long enough for it to become effective is not going to be easy.
The polygraph is an excellent move.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem

Honestly I have gone quite light on you here, and I chose to go light on you for a reason. From your posts it is simple to see you are very confused and actually torn from your choices and actions. I did not ask several questions as others had asked that I wanted answers about. @sokillme and @Primrose have zeroed in on exactly what is the biggest issues within you. They are both correct, and have given you very sound advice. As for me, I'm in a much better place now, enjoying that I'm feeling peace and happiness. I tell you that not to be mean, but to show you there is hope, if you dedicate yourself to fixing what is wrong.

I'm going to ask you to reverse the roles here, switch places with your husband. How would you feel? What would you do? Would you believe the story? Do you think they only kissed? Do you think they only talked and had coffee together? What would you think of your future? Where is your trust level now? What if things get stressful again? What if he hated his job? Do you see this marriage lasting? 

What I just asked are some questions that have some answers that you will need to think about. These are questions you would have if the roles reversed. I would think you would be uneasy at best, but then your husband says, people can change. I ask you, do you still believe that he can change? Writing that people can change is very easy, changing a person and changing their core is extremely difficult. This isn't getting drunk once and saying I'll never do that again. You can change getting drunk again, but did you really change? Deep within yourself did you really change? Most likely not, you will get drunk again just not that you did that first time. So essentially you did not change. 

Changing oneself is tearing down how you are, then rebuilding with what you know to be good. Placing boundaries on yourself, living to Gods will, and so forth. You have to change your inner core completely. You said you see yourself as selfish and working on it. What do you change immediately about being selfish? You asked how long is someone in love. Being in love is being vulnerable to your spouse, having them be vulnerable back to you. Showing that soft interior of your belly so to speak that is only shown to your spouse. That is what keeps you in love, those moments that allow you to feel truly loved and special. Most of the time that love comes from feeling vulnerable with your spouse. 

There are many facets to a loving relationship, marriage is the ultimate as you both forsake others to be together. What does that mean to you? What did your vows mean to you? Mine meant the world to me, they do to this day, and my wife is rediscovering her own. My wife is rediscovering what her vows meant, and what they mean to her after she changed who she is. Quite honestly I feared change, I didn't know if I would still be in love with her after she changed. I feared my own change, I have changed myself and feared if my wife would still be in love with the changes I made. We changed for the better, and as we changed our love has changed, today we are in love with each other. 

Love is a choice, each day you decide to love your spouse. This may seem harsh, but each day you chose to be on your dating site you chose not to love your spouse. You chose to love yourself, to fulfill yourself, to make yourself happy regardless the consequence. Now you find yourself to have caused pain to your husband and possibly destroyed your marriage. From your posts I also saw you weren't happy. I saw you as conflicted, puzzled, but yearning to find a happiness. What you didn't realize, is that your happiness comes from within you. 

It's my belief you feel happiness from others but not yourself. These males on the dating site didn't make you happy. Nor could they, as it comes from within you. You say you hate your job, yet it is the job you wanted. I don't know what you do, but I'm guessing your job is helping others and you have found that it is quite challenging. Now ask yourself again, what is it that you first need to change about being selfish? 

Newgem, I hope you are truly trying to change yourself. You can change and be as amazing as you want, but you must dedicate yourself. Best of luck to you.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Either give him your unconditional love or divorce him so that he can be with someone that can. In this case, unconditional love and marriage happiness is separate from his success or ability to provide what you want, (house) etc. That's not the foundation of one's love and a successful marriage. Having one's esteem fueled by other people and not your husband, can be flattering, but if one opens the door to allow it to be more than flattery, then fess up to your wants, repent and correct this destructive behavior or divorce your husband so that he can be with someone who feels about him the way he feels about you. Men will be men. If you're attractive you will encounter a never ending supply of opportunities. With no kids or mortgage you have time to steer the ship in the right direction or abandon the ship altogether, before it gets complicated. Should you move with the latter, I suggests removing the conditions that made you resentful, house, etc. Love supersedes successes and the material possessions it brings.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. My husband does not want to spend the rest of his life with me any longer. He's made it very clear - no matter what... that sanctity and trust will forever be gone. 

I guess I never thought this would happen. I always get my way - not this time. I try my best not to cry but it's difficult. I believe my actions were like an addiction. Similar to addicts who might do drugs or drink alcohol. I believe one can be sober forever though. It's a committment one makes not only to others, but more so to themselves every single day. To those who say 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I disagree. If only I could do this all over again.

I'm at a loss. I'm not sure what my future holds. But I do know I will never do the childish immature **** I did in the past to anyone again. I hurt everyone around me, and I will live with the guilt for a very long time. Close to 13 years I threw away. 

Although we are done, he wants me to accompany him to our mutual friends home tomorrow, who just had a new baby. I don't understand what is the point of going if we are done. He said "it's just one more day then we will proceed with ending things". I guess that makes some sense.

Oh, and he doesn't care for the polygraph. Won't change anything at this point


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Having those dating apps hidden on your phone for years and using thing them behind his back is big mess-up. His pride is crushed, he has been completely emasculated, he does not know who he married. 

Against my better judgement I am going to believe that you did not actually sleep with any of these men and that the kiss you mentioned was not actually oral sex. We only 'kissed' is classic cheater speak for 'I gave him head'. Trust me, that's what your husband thinks. Any guy in a bar would tell him that. It's a real classic. 

That being said don't give up yet. Try complete transparency and let him know you wish to reconcile and that you will do anything, absolutely anything to achieve this. Don't be crest fallen or angry if it takes months, even a year or two. Even if he proceeds with a divorce and completes it. Let him know you wish to date him like any other single women with the objective of hopefully getting re-married. Maybe he will soften his heart and give you another chance, Especially since you have a new baby. You have some odds in your favor. Try your absolute hardest.

If the above does not work you can at least look at yourself in the mirror and him in the eye and say I know I messed up. I tried my best to fix it but he/you lost interest. Then you can move on. 

Then don't do it again. I wish you the best.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your replies. My husband does not want to spend the rest of his life with me any longer. He's made it very clear - no matter what... that sanctity and trust will forever be gone.
> 
> I guess I never thought this would happen. I always get my way - not this time. I try my best not to cry but it's difficult. I believe my actions were like an addiction. Similar to addicts who might do drugs or drink alcohol. I believe one can be sober forever though. It's a committment one makes not only to others, but more so to themselves every single day. To those who say 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I disagree. If only I could do this all over again.
> 
> ...



I commend you for being accountable and in this instance, unselfish. Everyone deserves a loyal life partner, and your husband is worthy of it, I'm sure. Your girlfriends you mention in college, I presume you're still in touch with them perhaps. If so, consider sharing your story to those who are unmarried or married about the virtues of fidelity and the extremely high costs of infidelity. You can and hopefully will grow from this experience, and by sharing your story, can perhaps help others who haven't experienced or acted on the temptations by all the fish in the sea. Perhaps you can awaken those who are asleep in their marriages and give warning to those seeking to marry soon. Marriage is beautiful when the foundation and commitment is strong. Cliche statement, but true. 

I kind of tripped across this site recently and have read many stories of infidelity. The overall destruction caused by it is significantly greater than I ever thought. The scope of the devastation can last up to 50-75 years, such as when married parents divorce due and the kids are scarred from it, which then impacts their lives. Childless couples divorce and have to restart the very arduous process of finding a lifelong mate. The parents of the divorced couple are robbed of the joy of seeing their son or daughter living happily together. Their's great comfort and joy in that thought for them. Friends are sometimes compromised and impacted, often not knowing what to do and withdrawing because of the tension. Enough of the ugly. I wish you future peace, self-identification, love and future happiness. 

BTW...... speaking of happiness. You're future isn't anywhere near as dreadful as you state in your original post. You're educated, young, urban dweller with lots of men in your age range, attractive, child-less and the divorce will legally confirm your single, baggage-free status. Don't underestimate this. You have another 10 years to have kids. Rebuild into a better Newgem and you will be better for you and your future mate.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

*and it's like I did this to myself. *

That's from your first post.

I've read the entire thread and do feel a bit sorry for you but you did do it to yourself.

And, if my wife/gf had done what you say you did I wouldn't believe you had 'just kissed'.

Hopefully in your next relationship you'll be more mature and less selfish.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Newgem said:


> I guess I never thought this would happen. I always get my way - not this timet[/
> 
> Wow.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry for both of you.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Marriage needs to be more then just "being in love with someone". 

There are highs and lows in every marriage and there may be times where you may not feel "head over heels in love with someone". 

But that is where mature responsible adults buckle up, dig in, work on their marriage and honor the commitment, the marriage vows. 

I love my husband, I adore him, I am crazy about him. I think about him all the time. I am "in love" with him. But there have been rough times in the past where I didn't always feel "in love" with him. There are many times I was frustrated and hurt, times I felt neglected. I was just going through the motions of marriage. But no matter how I felt, I honored the commitment. I respected him. I respected us. 

We got thru those lows and have been together now 13 years, married 11. We love each other and want to be by each others side til we die. 

Are there days I feel like strangling him? Yes! 

I am a big advocate of marriage and not one to hastily say divorce.

I will say you are doing this man a huge disservice. You are a serial cheater, you aren't crazy about him, never have been, and you mainly want to stay married to have a baby. Make the parents happy. That is wrong. That is not a marriage. You need serious help. 

I honestly can't see what good is going to come of all this. Not for him anyways.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Marriage needs to be more then just "being in love with someone".
> 
> There are highs and lows in every marriage and there may be times where you may not feel "head over heels in love with someone".
> 
> ...


This x1000. The TAM POD (Post of the Day).


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Newgem said:


> I guess I never thought this would happen. I always get my way - not this time. I try my best not to cry but it's difficult. I believe my actions were like an addiction. Similar to addicts who might do drugs or drink alcohol.


If you really want to change, look up narcissism and see a good therapist.

When people cheat they say "we only kissed" like it minimizes it, but it makes it worse because it's just more lies. Your husband knows there's no way you've been going on a ton of dates with other men and not getting physical.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem

While this may be brutal for you to go through, remember that you have value as a person. Work hard on yourself, get to a more healthy place, then slowly ease back into dating. I do not believe in the, once a cheater always a cheater, people can change if they want it bad enough. I think @ConanHub said it best, sorry for you both. God bless.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Looks like your husband has drawn a line in the sand. You both must walk to that line. You have a healthy appetite but you are being too melancholy and giving up. You should eat food with high iron and listen to cheering music. Maybe if you think your food and sound are great you will stop thinking about yourself. Also you should be calm with him. Don't tell him calm down.....wait.....just be chilly and keep happy without being smug or have any strong emotions that upset or excite him. Be the whale and wait til he is ready.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Newgem said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your replies. My husband does not want to spend the rest of his life with me any longer. He's made it very clear - no matter what... that sanctity and trust will forever be gone.
> 
> I guess I never thought this would happen. I always get my way - not this time. I try my best not to cry but it's difficult. I believe my actions were like an addiction. Similar to addicts who might do drugs or drink alcohol. I believe one can be sober forever though. It's a committment one makes not only to others, but more so to themselves every single day. To those who say 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I disagree. If only I could do this all over again.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am proof that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is not always true, but it takes constant self improvement and hard boundaries. It's been 10 years since I cheated and I meant it when I said I'd never again put another soul through that kind of pain. You CAN do this.. maybe not with your husband because he has been highly damaged by your betrayal, but with your next relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your replies. My husband does not want to spend the rest of his life with me any longer. He's made it very clear - no matter what... that sanctity and trust will forever be gone.
> 
> I guess I never thought this would happen. *I always get my way - not this time.* I try my best not to cry but it's difficult. I believe my actions were like an addiction. Similar to addicts who might do drugs or drink alcohol. I believe one can be sober forever though. It's a committment one makes not only to others, but more so to themselves every single day. To those who say 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. I disagree. If only I could do this all over again.
> 
> ...


Well I guess that is it then. Personally I think it is selfish and wrong to continue to try to pursue a relationship with him if he says he is done. Respect his wishes because marriage should never been about you, it was about both of you. The choice to continue to pursue him when he is done is frankly more of the same selfishness. If he changes his mind then let him do it on his own terms. Doesn't mean you can continue to be contrite and make amends for what you did. But the time for coercion is over. 

Honestly I would make the same choice if I was him. Life is short, life is hard you need someone who will run though fire with you. Loyalty is very important to some. This doesn't mean you shouldn't try to change. These problems if not dealt with will continue in every relationship. The bolded part of you quote is really part of your issue and part of why I think you have not grown up. Getting everything you want when your young is not healthy. It doesn't train you for life. Unfortunately you will have to learn this in a much harder way now. 

Did you tell your parents yet? I know you are hurting but there is still hope for your life, if you do the work. Don't assume this problem is that you were just not in to your husband. Like the quote above every marriage has up and down times. You need to have the kind of character to be able to succeed no matter what.

Grieve, but focus and use this to really change.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Remember: It is not like you did this to yourself. You DID do this to yourself.

My wife is a pathological liar. I think you have lied a lot. Keeping those apps on your phone was a horrible lie. Meeting with men, kissing men. Lies upon lies. Horrible. But it takes a psychiatrist to diagnose pathological issues, like my wife's pathological lying.

After I caught my wife lying enough the choice was I get rid of her or we learn to control her disease. If your issue really is an addiction please do not think you can get over it, and somehow you will be fine later on. An alcoholic cannot decide she is cured and no longer needs to be vigilant. My wife cannot decide she is cured and no longer needs to monitored. I suspect you cannot be cured. You will need to be ever vigilant.

I think if you wish to try to have a faithful relationship with someone in the future you need to let them know you have this addiction, and you need to do everything in your power to be totally transparent with them. Do not keep secrets from them. Do not allow yourself to think someone you love should not read your phone or your emails or anything and everything on your computer.

My wife is tagged so I know her every movement during the day. I have a paired phone so I know all her texts and her phone calls. She reports her movements to me via text many times a day. I check on her physically at random times during the day on random days. I never ask her questions, because she cannot answer questions, but she can act in responsible ways. Her giving me complete knowledge of what she is doing as she does it is how I have come to feel happy with our relationship, since I cannot ask questions. It works for us.

People with problems must find unusual coping methods. Do not be afraid to find what works. Accept what works, even if it is unusual.

My wife is fully aware that most people who have been diagnosed as pathological liars are not able to maintain relationships, and certainly not happy relationships. She is happy, and is very thankful we have found ways to make our marriage work. Her shrinks seemed surprised we have found ways to cope, and she has found happiness.

She decided to stop going to see them, after years of therapy. None of them said her illness could be cured. So at some point she said enough was enough. I think she spent 8 years in therapy, if I remember right.

Find what works. Please do not let your addiction force you to live in a series of failed relationships. My wife fears this may be your fate if you are afraid to find unusual and creative ways to address your issue. Do not hide this from a prospective mate. Work with him to solve it, and make him happy with you.

Or just find a sperm donor and skip having a man in your life.

That's our take on this.

It is hard. But possible.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I honestly believe you'll both be better off if you divorce and move on. You poisoned this relationship and that poison is a slow working venom that's going to cause your husband agony and eventually kill him. You're a serial cheater. You knew it was wrong and kept going back. That's more of a character trait than a one-time mistake. I would advise you not to marry again unless you've done some serious therapy and made some life-altering changes in yourself. You're not safe for your husband and probably wouldn't be for a future partner until you figure yourself out. It's not hopeless. You can learn from this experience and use it as a catalyst to make real and meaningful changes in your life. I just don't think this marriage will survive. Your husband is right. He can never trust you again, not fully. Learn from it and grow.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I guess I have a bad habit of making things personal. Telling people what I would do and how I would react under similar situations.

If I found out my fiance (now wife) had been talking to other men, representing herself as available, while we were engaged - I would not have married her. If I found out after we were married that she had done that, I would be pissed. I would have thought she lied to me for years. I would watch her closely.

If I found out that my wife had gone on dates with 3 guys and ended up having a make out session with one behind my back after marriage - then divorce is mandatory for my own self respect.

What did you tell your husband when you were preparing to meet these three guys? "Girls night out"?


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Nobody should stay with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves...nobody....for any reason. If you can't make each other feel good and secure then it is over.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> My wife is tagged so I know her every movement during the day. I have a paired phone so I know all her texts and her phone calls. She reports her movements to me via text many times a day. I check on her physically at random times during the day on random days. I never ask her questions, because she cannot answer questions, but she can act in responsible ways. Her giving me complete knowledge of what she is doing as she does it is how I have come to feel happy with our relationship, since I cannot ask questions. It works for us.


This is insane, why would you or your wife want to live like this? If I have to go to these lengths to keep my woman from taking ****, then I don't think she's good wife material anyway.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> This is insane, why would you or your wife want to live like this? If I have to go to these lengths to keep my woman from taking ****, then I don't think she's good wife material anyway.


Because it works for them?


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Because it works for them?


I would argue if these measures are still necessary it is definitely not working for them.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Newgem said:


> I'm not likely going to change? I'm a serial cheater? Thanks for that lol. A lot of people have been saying this and I'm looking to explore this concept. I think anyone can change if they dedicate themselves and have support


You are a serial cheater because you’ve done this more than once. There are different kinds and levels of cheating IMO and a lot of times the ‘kind’ is a good indicator of whether or not the cheater is likely to do it again in the future. A serial cheater is someone who has made the choice time and again to cheat within a relationship. If they’ve made the choice several times, they’re more likely to make the same choice again and again and again. I don’t believe in ‘once a cheater….’ In all circumstances. I cheated. I’d rather die than do it again. My entire mind state has been altered. #1 because of how what I did affected my husband, #2 because of how it affected me #3 because of how it affected my marriage and will then therefore trickle down to my children, etc. I do not ever want to be in a position where I can or would hurt another person(s) in that manner again. In addition to that, my husband also had an affair so I’ve experienced being cheated on and that pain is honestly like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Feeling that pain is excrutiating. Being able to then circle back and know that what I did caused him that same pain – I fully understand what I did to him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I NEVER want to cause that kind of pain again. I want to BE a better person. I want to be able to say that I live my life with integrity. I want to be able to believe and know that I AM a good person who does not make intentional bad choices that hurt other people. I believe a lot of people say “ once a cheater, always a cheater” because most people who do cheat are selfish SOB’s who don’t care to understand what they did, they don’t care to learn, grow, change, etc. They’re entitled a$$holes who never can quite grasp the magnitude of the things that they did. Case in point, the fact that you continued to do these things time and again. NOTHING in you told you it was wrong, you minimized it, made excuses for it, lied it and hid it. I’m not bashing you, I am saying that during these times – you had no regard for anyone else. I’m not saying you can’t work to change. But the fact remains that during those times, you did not have any regret, shame, remorse, etc. or you wouldn’t have done it time and again. You may have had your ‘wake up call’ and that is a good thing – but until you accept the gravity of what you’ve done and REALLY do the work to change and understand why you did the things you did – you are not a safe mate. 

As far as the person that asked if you’d seen a doctor for depression – you replied with an LOL and that you weren’t depressed, you were just ashamed. People firing on all cylinders don’t cheat. There is a reason you crave attention from men that aren’t your husband. There is a reason that you justified what you did in your brain every time you did it. There is a reason that you lied and kept secrets. You’d do well to find out what those reasons are. Depression isn’t always lying in bed crying. It takes on many forms.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> You are a serial cheater because you’ve done this more than once. There are different kinds and levels of cheating IMO and a lot of times the ‘kind’ is a good indicator of whether or not the cheater is likely to do it again in the future. A serial cheater is someone who has made the choice time and again to cheat within a relationship. If they’ve made the choice several times, they’re more likely to make the same choice again and again and again. I don’t believe in ‘once a cheater….’ In all circumstances. I cheated. I’d rather die than do it again. My entire mind state has been altered. #1 because of how what I did affected my husband, #2 because of how it affected me #3 because of how it affected my marriage and will then therefore trickle down to my children, etc. I do not ever want to be in a position where I can or would hurt another person(s) in that manner again. In addition to that, my husband also had an affair so I’ve experienced being cheated on and that pain is honestly like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Feeling that pain is excrutiating. Being able to then circle back and know that what I did caused him that same pain – I fully understand what I did to him and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I NEVER want to cause that kind of pain again. I want to BE a better person. I want to be able to say that I live my life with integrity. I want to be able to believe and know that I AM a good person who does not make intentional bad choices that hurt other people. I believe a lot of people say “ once a cheater, always a cheater” because most people who do cheat are selfish SOB’s who don’t care to understand what they did, they don’t care to learn, grow, change, etc. They’re entitled a$$holes who never can quite grasp the magnitude of the things that they did. Case in point, the fact that you continued to do these things time and again. NOTHING in you told you it was wrong, you minimized it, made excuses for it, lied it and hid it. I’m not bashing you, I am saying that during these times – you had no regard for anyone else. I’m not saying you can’t work to change. But the fact remains that during those times, you did not have any regret, shame, remorse, etc. or you wouldn’t have done it time and again. You may have had your ‘wake up call’ and that is a good thing – but until you accept the gravity of what you’ve done and REALLY do the work to change and understand why you did the things you did – you are not a safe mate.
> 
> As far as the person that asked if you’d seen a doctor for depression – you replied with an LOL and that you weren’t depressed, you were just ashamed. People firing on all cylinders don’t cheat. There is a reason you crave attention from men that aren’t your husband. There is a reason that you justified what you did in your brain every time you did it. There is a reason that you lied and kept secrets. You’d do well to find out what those reasons are. Depression isn’t always lying in bed crying. It takes on many forms.




Losinghim

This post shows the integrity in which you live, as for are you a good person who makes choices to not intentionally hurt someone, yes. Your growth on TAM has been nothing short of inspiring. You have changed many things about yourself that make you a great person. I can only hope that newgem reads this post and makes the changes necessary to follow your path.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Newgem
If I have read your posts correctly, what you want the most is to gain back your integrity (as much as possible) and win back some of your husband’s trust. Am I correct?

That being the case then you and a competent person, that has been somewhat in your shoes and has succeeded, get together and work up a plan. That plan will be focused on you building yourself up, enduring your husband’s disgust in you, and taking actions to prove that you are much stronger in your integrity. With this plan you will be preparing for a D or making progress for an R. You becoming stronger will be noticed by your husband. Betrayed spouses hate weakness but are attracted to strength.

You are going to have to be very determined and persistent for a very long time (years not months) to see a significant improvement but do not get discouraged you can be gaining every month. Breaking trust with infidelity is a nuke bomb on a relationship but correct and strong actions for a long time can improve the situation significantly.

You can only make decisions for you but you cannot overpower your husband’s will. You have to get ready for whatever decisions he makes. Frankly, I do not think that he is 100% decided that he is going to put you out of his life. One of the reasons that I say that is if he was 100% decided on D he would have filed and been further down in the process by now. I know that 3 months is not a long time but I did not read in your post that he has filed or done anything other than talk, am I right? 

He is going to be very hurt for a long time and will probably waiver back and forth in his mind about what he is really going to do. If there was a real love in the marriage then it is very difficult to break that relationship even in infidelity. It is a lot easier to TELL someone that you are going to D than to actually go through with D when there is real love.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Malaise said:


> *and it's like I did this to myself. *
> 
> And, if my wife/gf had done what you say you did I wouldn't believe you had 'just kissed'.


I know its difficult to believe, but it's the truth. I never slept with anyone else.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> When people cheat they say "we only kissed" like it minimizes it, but it makes it worse because it's just more lies. Your husband knows there's no way you've been going on a ton of dates with other men and not getting physical.


I understand. I never had sex with anyone else though.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

TDSC60 said:


> What did you tell your husband when you were preparing to meet these three guys? "Girls night out"?


He was at work and never knew. I would leave and come back and have dinner ready before he got home. Savage I know.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Mr Blunt said:


> Newgem
> 
> That being the case then you and a competent person, that has been somewhat in your shoes and has succeeded, get together and work up a plan. That plan will be focused on you building yourself up, enduring your husband’s disgust in you, and taking actions to prove that you are much stronger in your integrity. With this plan you will be preparing for a D or making progress for an R. You becoming stronger will be noticed by your husband. Betrayed spouses hate weakness but are attracted to strength.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your message. Do you suggest I make a post asking who has overcome a similar situation? I know someone replied to my thread stating that they haven't cheated for 10+ years and another told me about books I can read. I will be contacting both individuals. 

He does waiver back and forth, but lately more so towards divorce. He hasn't filed any paperwork. I got kinda upset one day and pressured him bc I wanted him to give me some type of hope and I told him if he can't lets get the process started... and he said OK and pulled up stuff online. But thats about it. It made me cry, and I begged him for more time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Thank you for your message. Do you suggest I make a post asking who has overcome a similar situation? I know someone replied to my thread stating that they haven't cheated for 10+ years and another told me about books I can read. I will be contacting both individuals.
> 
> He does waiver back and forth, but lately more so towards divorce. He hasn't filed any paperwork. I got kinda upset one day and pressured him bc I wanted him to give me some type of hope and I told him if he can't lets get the process started... and he said OK and pulled up stuff online. But thats about it. It made me cry, and I begged him for more time.


What are you doing to fix you? Take your focus off of him and put it on where it belongs you. Read my first post to you on this thread again. 



> 2 divorces and being 60 years old dating some looser you met on an app


 remember?

If it is with him or someone else you NEED to correct the way you behave, how you deal with stress, fear and disappointment. This is an absolute must if you want the kind of life you talk about with happy healthy kids and a good marriage. Not even including him in the picture. 

What books have you bought? What are they teaching you about yourself? Have you gotten and IC? What are they showing you?

Do you love this man or not? Figure that out, if it is just you are afraid then move on. It may be that you are so broken and immature right now that you are not capable of love, again it's your job to figure it out. Only you can. No one else is going to do it for you, no one else cares. 

If you decide that you still do love him then take the poly and give it to him. 

Bottom line is this, it's been a week. This is your life, time is wasting. Fixing yourself should be your number one priority not feeling sorry for yourself. Fix it.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Newgem said:


> Thank you for your message. Do you suggest I make a post asking who has overcome a similar situation? I know someone replied to my thread stating that they haven't cheated for 10+ years and another told me about books I can read. I will be contacting both individuals.
> 
> He does waiver back and forth, but lately more so towards divorce. He hasn't filed any paperwork. I got kinda upset one day and pressured him bc I wanted him to give me some type of hope and _I told him if he can't lets get the process started..._ and he said OK and pulled up stuff online. But thats about it. It made me cry, and I begged him for more time.


You are in no position to make demands of him. You messed up. Not him. That being said work on true remorse, not remorse you got caught but remorse you hurt him and crippled your marriage. And regret. Maybe with time he will forgive you and you both move on as a couple. Like others have told you this will take years, not months. Months is sweeping it under the rug. He is in a roller coaster of emotions that will take years to sort out. You basically start your marriage over if and only if he wants to. You have to respect that decision. You attempting to force his hand is you having given up and proving to him that he is making the right decision to get you out of his life as his wife.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Thank you for your message. Do you suggest I make a post asking who has overcome a similar situation? I know someone replied to my thread stating that they haven't cheated for 10+ years and another told me about books I can read. I will be contacting both individuals.


Yes, I suggest that you make a post to get help and advice from someone that has overcome a similar station. In addition, you would be wise to get into a group of women in your community that has overcome such crises. Use those that have overcome in an R or a D for at least 10 years. Do you have a faith? You need to find some forgiveness for yourself and a good and sincere place of faith with genuine people may help you. You cannot depend on your husband to build you up. You are also going to need help enduring the rejection from your husband.


> He does waiver back and forth, but lately more so towards divorce. He hasn't filed any paperwork. I got kinda upset one day and pressured him bc I wanted him to give me some type of hope and I told him if he can't lets get the process started... and he said OK and pulled up stuff online. But thats about it. It made me cry, and I begged him for more time.


You are doing the “Push-Pull” routine. You push him to give you hope then when he does not react the way you want you (pull) beg him. *Your job is to work on you because you told us that you are selfish and resentful. No good man is going to be attracted to a woman like that, especially when you have also broken trust*. Breaking trust by giving to another man that should only be for your husband, being selfish, and resentful are three of the biggest relationship killers of all time. If your husband is going to decide to work at an R with you he will do so because he sees real improvement in you not because you pressure him to give you relief.

You have a few things going for you. One is that you seem to be honest in your admitting your failures and the other is that your husband is not 100% committed to D. Now it is up to you to improve your character defects. That will help you in D or R.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> What are you doing to fix you? Take your focus off of him and put it on where it belongs you. Read my first post to you on this thread again.
> 
> remember?
> 
> ...


Yes I remember. The "How to Help Your Spouse Heal..." book should be here tomorrow and I have a counselor appt monday night. I know its been a week, IC wasn't working with my schedule. 

He doesn't care about the poly he said. But I should still do it right? I have about 5 or 6 questions that are yes/no that I've typed up in the notes section of my phone. I want to put atleast 10 more so it will be a good list. Thanks for the pressure and 'tough love' @sokillme.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Mr Blunt said:


> Yes, I suggest that you make a post to get help and advice from someone that has overcome a similar station. In addition, you would be wise to get into a group of women in your community that has overcome such crises. Use those that have overcome in an R or a D for at least 10 years. Do you have a faith? You need to find some forgiveness for yourself and a good and sincere place of faith with genuine people may help you. You cannot depend on your husband to build you up. You are also going to need help enduring the rejection from your husband.
> 
> 
> You are doing the “Push-Pull” routine. You push him to give you hope then when he does not react the way you want you (pull) beg him. *Your job is to work on you because you told us that you are selfish and resentful. No good man is going to be attracted to a woman like that, especially when you have also broken trust*. Breaking trust by giving to another man that should only be for your husband, being selfish, and resentful are three of the biggest relationship killers of all time. If your husband is going to decide to work at an R with you he will do so because he sees real improvement in you not because you pressure him to give you relief.
> ...


Yes- so I will make a new post. Also, I do need the support. I'm going crazy here with no one knowing but the people on this thread and my husband. I do have faith and have been going consistently and asked for forgiveness. The thing is, I go and do it all alone and on my own, no one else involved. I think that needs to change bc I really do need help from others.

Yea I hate the 'push-pull' attitude I have sometimes. no good. And my husband is not 100% committed but he's very very close so its up to me to improve.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Yes I remember. The "How to Help Your Spouse Heal..." book should be here tomorrow and I have a counselor appt monday night. I know its been a week, IC wasn't working with my schedule.
> 
> He doesn't care about the poly he said. But I should still do it right? I have about 5 or 6 questions that are yes/no that I've typed up in the notes section of my phone. I want to put atleast 10 more so it will be a good list.


I think you get three. Get an experienced polygraph examiner, let him help you come up with the questions. You want them to leave little doubt or wiggle room. I would do it no matter what. I would look at it as the turning point in my life where I put away my lying and became authentic if I were you. I would give it to him with an apology no matter what, and look for nothing in return. If he ask tell him you are sorry and embarrassed that it came to this but you will be damned if you ever put yourself in the position to have to do that again with anyone. 

Finally you need to figure out if you love this man. Don't just do this because you hurt him or messed up. He needs a wife who loves him. Yes it will be painful to end it but it will be better for him in the long run. Personally it may even be better for him to move on if you do love him. Both of you may have better marriages with a clean slate.



> Thanks for the pressure and 'tough love' @sokillme.


That's what I'm here for. >


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Yes- so I will make a new post. Also, I do need the support. I'm going crazy here with no one knowing but the people on this thread and my husband. I do have faith and have been going consistently and asked for forgiveness. The thing is, I go and do it all alone and on my own, no one else involved. I think that needs to change bc I really do need help from others.


The wayword board on SurvivingInfidelity.com is the closest I have seen to a message board for repentant cheaters. However some on there are still broken and don't give good advice in my opinion. They do hold themselves accountable though. This really is like AA in that it's a compulsion that needs to be kept in check. I think that board can do that. Do you have a close girlfriend who is moral who you can talk to that will hold you accountable? 

How about a pastor or someone like that.

I think you should stick on here too as we are harder and less codependent on this board. The other board will put you in touch with people like you. You should be reading over there anyway as it will help you with empathy and take you out of your self focus. It will give you a perspective of what you husband is feeling. 

I don't see a lot from you about the fact that his heart is probably broken. I going to be honest the ones who really change seen to be very mindful of the pain they put their spouses in. It is what gives them motivation. What are your thoughts on this?

One other thing be weary if you IC starts to blame you affair on your husband. Not all of them are good or even know what they are doing or ethical. It may take a few tries to get one who fits you. But you don't need reinforcement you need to change.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

If you want to reconsile I say a little overkill is good...gradually decreasing over time and settling out. If you want to do the poly....do it.

You will have to find a different settling point than before, one that you can both live with.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

If you get upset you could ask each other to calm you down to a point that feels comfortable. I think this is a good way to find middle ground.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> Yes I remember. The "How to Help Your Spouse Heal..." book should be here tomorrow and I have a counselor appt monday night. I know its been a week, IC wasn't working with my schedule.
> 
> He doesn't care about the poly he said. But I should still do it right? I have about 5 or 6 questions that are yes/no that I've typed up in the notes section of my phone. I want to put atleast 10 more so it will be a good list. Thanks for the pressure and 'tough love' @sokillme.


Do you really think you should provide the questions? 

How does that help him?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Malaise said:


> Do you really think you should provide the questions?
> 
> How does that help him?





Quoted for truth.

Newgem, you have to think of yourself in the third person somewhat here. The way your husband is feeling is that he doesn't have the full story. Only you have the full story of what has happened, your husband is filled with doubt. The brain naturally begins to see the worst, trust me your husband is seeing some terrible images right now. So if you provide questions for the polygraph what do you see your husband thinking? That you chose questions that you knew you could pass. My advice is to delete your questions, talk to your husband, find what he is doubting in his mind. 

I'm sure your husband has asked you questions, has he ever said he thinks there's more or doesn't believe your answer? These would be questions to ask in the polygraph. Questions that he has doubt on the truth. You can also have an examiner come up with the questions, but I would choose a police examiner if possible. One who knows to ask questions in an investigative manner. 

Remember, a polygraph is simply a tool, the examiner is the one who makes the test have any kind of accuracy. The examiner simply uses the tool, say a screwdriver, and the more he's used this tool the more proficient the examiner becomes. I suggest a police examiner for many reasons, the biggest is because they are also trained in other habits of human beings. Such as profiling and human behavior, the human body shows many reactions to emotions and feelings that a trained person can read. 

You also said that IC has not fit your schedule, I find this to be very disappointing. You are not putting your health as first, which is what should always be first. If you aren't healthy yourself, how can you be healthy for anyone else? IC should be the very first priority on your list right now. That means you make a way to fit IC in your schedule. If I were your husband this would have me very concerned, I'll even give you what your husband may be seeing and feeling. If you can't make IC each week, you are not committed. If you can't make IC each week, how important is your marriage or myself to you. If you can't make IC each week, but you had no problem meeting multiple men for your enjoyment. Do you see now what is really the problem here? You have no remorse, you can't even commit to healing yourself. How do you possibly think you can or are even in a position to heal your marriage? Simply put, your husband feels very unsafe and for very good reason I might add. 

Newgem, again I've gone very light on you because I thought you were more understanding then you really are. I'm still trying to take a non 2X4 approach, but you need to change in a big way. You are far from being a safe spouse at the moment, but I believe you can get there. Your entire way of thinking needs to change right now, your priorities need to change right now, and your commitment needs to do a 180 as of yesterday. I see you as somewhat sulking and moody right now, wallowing in self pity about what you have done. That is not a strong response, you need a strong response to what you have done. Show your husband what you want to change into, what you want to truly be as a person. Best of luck to you.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP's providing the questions is one less time her H can make a choice for himself regarding his marriage.

He had no say in the matter when OP ran around with how many men?

Or kissed ? them. 

She even said he didn't care about the poly, yet she wants one.

OP, I don't think you're doing yourself a favor here. You should back off, go to IC, give your H room to breathe and a chance to digest it all.

And if he decides to get the poly allow him to ask what he wants, not what you do.

You owe him that at least.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

The polygraph serves no purpose if your husband doesn't ask the questions. 

I don't know if he's asking any questions. It seems he has made up his mind to move on. The basic facts of your
betrayal are already in evidence. No polygraph is needed to establish the facts upon which your husband has
decided to divorce. More information, to him, is not the pivotal issue.

Anything you may be able to do or say may not be enough to heal your current marriage, but it is far too early
to say on this one. 

Your husband may re-think this in the coming months. It takes from two to five years to rebuild marriages after affairs.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> The wayword board on SurvivingInfidelity.com is the closest I have seen to a message board for repentant cheaters. However some on there are still broken and don't give good advice in my opinion. They do hold themselves accountable though. This really is like AA in that it's a compulsion that needs to be kept in check. I think that board can do that. Do you have a close girlfriend who is moral who you can talk to that will hold you accountable?
> 
> How about a pastor or someone like that.
> 
> ...


I do feel like this is like AA. I feel like I have these tendencies that need to be checked every single day. Yes I can find someone to hold me accountable. I would probably take a pastor more seriously. Actually I'd probably take someone I want to aspire to be like more seriously. If they held me accountable. I need to find someone like this. I need a female mentor. 

He is very hurt and shocked and disappointed, which he tells me everyday. I feel so sad that I would do anything like this, but enough crying I need to take action and figure out my life. I feel I need to work in seconds rather than years. It's time now.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Do you really think you should provide the questions?
> 
> How does that help him?





drifting on said:


> Quoted for truth.
> 
> Newgem, you have to think of yourself in the third person somewhat here. The way your husband is feeling is that he doesn't have the full story. Only you have the full story of what has happened, your husband is filled with doubt. The brain naturally begins to see the worst, trust me your husband is seeing some terrible images right now. So if you provide questions for the polygraph what do you see your husband thinking? That you chose questions that you knew you could pass. My advice is to delete your questions, talk to your husband, find what he is doubting in his mind.
> 
> ...


I should have been more clear. Yes I am going to ask the questions my husband doubts me on. For example, he randomly asks me a question and gets mad and calls me a liar no matter what my answer is. Now, this is bc initially when I got caught I denied everything. And I told him this. So since he asks me random questions and doesn't believe me. These are the questions I will do on the polygraph. The main one being that I have never slept with anyone else. Also, are all polygraphs only 3 questions?
Anyone in southern cali recommend a good place to get this done?

You got me with the IC thing. You are so right - I made time to meet 3 diff men in 3 weeks, I can make time for IC. Tonight I have an appt. And thanks for help.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Malaise said:


> OP's providing the questions is one less time her H can make a choice for himself regarding his marriage.
> 
> He had no say in the matter when OP ran around with how many men?
> 
> ...


Before when I mentioned poly he didn't care. 2 days ago I kinda mentioned it again and he said "you'll so fail" etc... so I'm gonna wait and see.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

TJW said:


> The polygraph serves no purpose if your husband doesn't ask the questions.
> 
> I don't know if he's asking any questions. It seems he has made up his mind to move on. The basic facts of your
> betrayal are already in evidence. No polygraph is needed to establish the facts upon which your husband has
> ...


Yes I need to be patient and give it time. Its been almost 4 months I think. Honestly, I have no idea what is going to happen. Each day is a rollercoaster of emotions.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem

First let me say I'm not happy if I'm right, my objective is to make you aware so you can change and become healthier. As for the polygraph, call a local police department in your area, ask who they use or if they can recommend a reputable examiner. Usually the most questions they allow are about five. However, police applicants are given much more. So you may ask the examiner if he/she is comfortable with asking more.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Newgem said:


> I feel so sad that I would do anything like this


You are going to be successful in this. You will put these actions behind you, and you will find the grace of God and His forgiveness to be sufficient
and to keep you victorious over your temptations. All of these things proceed from just "where" you are now, you have stated the basis of true repentance.



Newgem said:


> I feel I need to work in seconds rather than years.


A sense of urgency is good if it propels you to "get started". You mention "AA". AA, and other organizations, follow a 12-step program to recovery.

The first step in this program is to admit that you are powerless over this temptation, you cannot yourself control it.
The second step is to submit yourself to a "higher power" who can teach you and help you to resist temptation.

It is not something that works in seconds, but it can work in months, if you remain committed to the program.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TJW said:


> The polygraph serves no purpose if your husband doesn't ask the questions.
> 
> I don't know if he's asking any questions. It seems he has made up his mind to move on. The basic facts of your
> betrayal are already in evidence. No polygraph is needed to establish the facts upon which your husband has
> ...


See I disagree. He will know the questions that were asked. The polygraph examiner or even us on here can come up with questions that will help dissuade his fear. She knows what his fears are.

Off the top of my head.

1. Have you ever had sexual contact, including intercourse, kissing, contact of a sexual nature such as oral sex, sexual or inappropriate touching with anyone other then your husband since the time when you agreed to enter into an exclusive monogamous relationship with him during or before you were married.

2. Have you ever had feeling you would describe as emotional love for anyone besides your husband since you agreed to enter into an exclusive monogamous relationship with your husband during or before you were married.

3. Does your husband know the complete extend of all your emotional and physical affairs against him or others in the past, including inappropriate text exchanges, picture exchanges, physical contact, that you have carried out in the span of your life. 

That would be a good start.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> I should have been more clear. Yes I am going to ask the questions my husband doubts me on. For example, he randomly asks me a question and gets mad and calls me a liar no matter what my answer is. Now, this is bc initially when I got caught I denied everything. And I told him this. So since he asks me random questions and doesn't believe me. These are the questions I will do on the polygraph. The main one being that I have never slept with anyone else. Also, are all polygraphs only 3 questions?
> Anyone in southern cali recommend a good place to get this done?
> 
> You got me with the IC thing. You are so right - I made time to meet 3 diff men in 3 weeks, I can make time for IC. Tonight I have an appt. And thanks for help.


What about the books are you reading them?

All this is great but do you love your husband? I think it's right that you are doing all this work but some of this is just damage control. Again you should be doing this, but in the end your husband deserves a wife how is devoted and most of all in love with him. You need to figure this out, yes it can take some time but without it your marriage will be hard. The point is do all of this yes, minimize the damage, but don't stay with a man you don't love out of guilt or worse pity. NO ONE would want this. 

Assuming your husband is not an ass, a faithful family man is in demand. Someone will love him and be a good partner. Maybe you can turn into a good partner, but that leaves out the love part. He needs that just as much.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> I understand. I never had sex with anyone else though.


Does this include oral sex, handjobs or heavy petting? Did you let these guys feel you up?


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> What about the books are you reading them?
> 
> All this is great but do you love your husband? I think it's right that you are doing all this work but some of this is just damage control. Again you should be doing this, but in the end your husband deserves a wife how is devoted and most of all in love with him. You need to figure this out, yes it can take some time but without it your marriage will be hard. The point is do all of this yes, minimize the damage, but don't stay with a man you don't love out of guilt or worse pity. NO ONE would want this.
> 
> Assuming your husband is not an ass, a faithful family man is in demand. Someone will love him and be a good partner. Maybe you can turn into a good partner, but that leaves out the love part. He needs that just as much.


Honestly, yes I do love my husband. I am exploring this further during CI. I can't imagine him not in my life. We've been through so much together. And I am working on figuring this out. 

I'm reading "heal from affair" book.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Does this include oral sex, handjobs or heavy petting? Did you let these guys feel you up?


***edit I'm fixing this post bc the way I answered it is misleading

NO I never had oral sex, hand jobs, or heavy petting with any of the men. One guy played with my breasts, thats as far as it went.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> YES, it includes oral sex, hand jobs, heavy petting. One guy did feel me up though so it doesn't include that one. So dumb


Okay. Well, that IS a physical affair Newgem. Oral or manual sex is sex, whether you had intercourse or not. 

I'm not asking you these questions to cause you embarrassment but to make you understand that you are minimizing what you did. 

Say you walked in one day and saw your husband going down on a woman on your living room couch? Would you be that discriminating as to whether or not what he was doing constituted physically cheating with her? No, that image would be burned into your memory to haunt you until the end of your life. Understand that right now your husband has mind movies of you with other men's d*cks in your mouth and much worse. That's what he's seeing in his mind and it is tormenting him. Men are visual creatures and we have extremely vivid imaginations. Your husband is trapped in a hell inside his mind and he's burning and he can't find a way out.

Please, if you do anything else, get your husband to go see a counselor or therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD, because that is what he is going through. 

You had sex with these men. Stop minimizing it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> Yes I need to be patient and give it time. Its been almost 4 months I think. Honestly, I have no idea what is going to happen. Each day is a rollercoaster of emotions.


Four months is nothing. 

Try four to five years... before the two of you get back to anything resembling normalcy. And...that is only if you are working your ass off to make the changes in yourself that he can see with his own eyes. Remember Newgem, words mean nothing. You lied to, and hid the truth from him, before Dday so he has no reason to believe anything you say now. Only positive, consistent actions from you are going to show him that you are working on finding out your "whys", dealing with them, and becoming a safe partner for him again.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I killed another thread 🙄


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Newgem said:


> The furthest I've went was kissing





Newgem said:


> YES, it includes oral sex, hand jobs, heavy petting. One guy did feel me up though so it doesn't include that one. So dumb


I seem to have missed something in this thread.

You said in your initial post that you denied everything after your husband saw photos and read texts, and it was just kissing. Did you relay as much to your husband?

Or does he actually know the part in the second quoted text here? Did you tell your husband that what you did was/were actually physical affair(s)?


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Okay. Well, that IS a physical affair Newgem. Oral or manual sex is sex, whether you had intercourse or not.
> 
> I'm not asking you these questions to cause you embarrassment but to make you understand that you are minimizing what you did.
> 
> ...


I'm not minimizing it! No I didn't have sex. I think everyone is reading what I wrote wrong. Just to be clear: 

I did not have traditional sex including NO oral sex, hand jobs, or heavy petting. I kissed a dude when I was fairly intoxicated, and another one touched my breasts a different time when I was intoxicated as well. That's the gist of it. I'm not trying to minimize it. Thats what happened. It was stupid of me. If a man touching my breasts is considered having sex then I don't know


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

bandit.45 said:


> Four months is nothing.
> 
> Try four to five years... before the two of you get back to anything resembling normalcy. And...that is only if you are working your ass off to make the changes in yourself that he can see with his own eyes. Remember Newgem, words mean nothing. You lied to, and hid the truth from him, before Dday so he has no reason to believe anything you say now. Only positive, consistent actions from you are going to show him that you are working on finding out your "whys", dealing with them, and becoming a safe partner for him again.


I'm trying to be positive and consistent. Time will tell. I'm finding myself to be less of a procrastinator after DD or whatever its called on this forum. Is it dooms day? Or discovery day? I feel like I don't want to waste time anymore. I'm more proactive in my life. Not only with him but my life in general. Time will tell. And no you didn't kill the thread. Just left me thinking about stuff


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

verpin zal said:


> I seem to have missed something in this thread.
> 
> You said in your initial post that you denied everything after your husband saw photos and read texts, and it was just kissing. Did you relay as much to your husband?
> 
> Or does he actually know the part in the second quoted text here? Did you tell your husband that what you did was/were actually physical affair(s)?


My husband knows the kisses and that a dude touched my breasts. Thats what happened. I never had physical sex, oral sex, hand job, whatever. I'm not saying what I did was OK, I just want this to be clarified. Yes he knows. Polygraph will prove it. Working on that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> I'm not minimizing it! No I didn't have sex. I think everyone is reading what I wrote wrong. Just to be clear:
> 
> I did not have traditional sex including NO oral sex, hand jobs, or heavy petting. I kissed a dude when I was fairly intoxicated, and another one touched my breasts a different time when I was intoxicated as well. That's the gist of it. I'm not trying to minimize it. Thats what happened. It was stupid of me. If a man touching my breasts is considered having sex then I don't know


Okay I misunderstood what you wrote.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> My husband knows the kisses and that a dude touched my breasts. Thats what happened. I never had physical sex, oral sex, hand job, whatever. I'm not saying what I did was OK, I just want this to be clarified. Yes he knows. Polygraph will prove it. Working on that.


Good for you. That’s a start.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Newgem said:


> I'm trying to be positive and consistent. Time will tell. I'm finding myself to be less of a procrastinator after DD or whatever its called on this forum. Is it dooms day? Or discovery day? I feel like I don't want to waste time anymore. I'm more proactive in my life. Not only with him but my life in general. Time will tell. And no you didn't kill the thread. Just left me thinking about stuff


Newgen: You might have to answer a few questions to yourself. You mention, "I don't want to waste time anymore", which is understandable. One question to yourself, is how long will his decision to reconcile or not take, and what is my timeline? Does, it coincide with his? This is a tough one for you because as I'm sure you've read on here and other sites, BS's betrayal recovery can take anywhere from 2-5 years on average. I would think it would be smart to be compassionate as you contemplate the time question, as it wouldn't even be on the table if you hadn't overstepped your boundaries. His fractured heart will need time to put back together. Your patient, diligent efforts will help determine his healing time. 

If you really want him, I'm not sure you want to be looking at the calendar and adding up the weeks that are going by. I can almost guarantee, it will unauthentic-ate your efforts to regain trust and compromise your commitment to reconcile. If you feel anxious about time, share that with him. I don't think it'll help the reconcile very much because recovery is a personal experience that forgoes time, but at least he can say, I'm not sure when will know, at which such time you two can amicably part if you're uncomfortable without knowing how long it will take. 

But again, I can tell you now, your husband may be indecisive for quite some time. The question is are you willing to commit to that time period, however long that period is. My guess is, a realistic timetable should be measured in years, as mentioned before (2-5) not months. Your call on this one. 

BTW, I just happened to see a new member by the name of Newgen recently joining SI. If that's you, that's great, as I've found that site to be a dynamic one in understanding all issues related to infidelity. Lots of support and tough constructive critiquing. I hope you guys can reconcile. I'd hate to see it blow up without you having done anything physically. I'm not understating the impact of flirtatious philandering and the EA, but for me, the physical part is the unequivocal deal breaker, and most other stuff can be worked out in my opinion. Now, if you told your husband that you had intentions of or was open to having PE, then that's the exacts same of having one to me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> I'm trying to be positive and consistent. Time will tell. I'm finding myself to be less of a procrastinator after DD or whatever its called on this forum. Is it dooms day? Or discovery day? I feel like I don't want to waste time anymore. I'm more proactive in my life. Not only with him but my life in general. Time will tell. And no you didn't kill the thread. Just left me thinking about stuff


Transparency is the key. Transparency in every facet of your life.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Newgem said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am brand new here and have come to a point where I can't keep this in any longer.
> 
> ...


Sorry to me is pathetic!

Don't just say your sorry and ask for forgiveness, earn it from your husband. Offer him transparency, access to your phone, all of it, show that you are willing to do anything for him to forgive you. Trust, respect, forgiveness, it'll never be the same again. You've lost it all. And even if you earn some of it back, it'll never be 100%. That's reality. So don't blame him if he decides to let you go.

You both have to accept that. You did something stupid sure, but there are no excuses for your actions, and you are suffering the consequences.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

The radical honesty is essential if you really want to reconcile. If not then you should stick with IC for a while until you are happy with a plan. It's good you are dealing with all this quite directly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> YES, it includes oral sex, hand jobs, heavy petting. One guy did feel me up though so it doesn't include that one. So dumb


So how is the book reading going? Have you tried to implement anything in the books? How was your IC?


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

colingrant said:


> Newgen: You might have to answer a few questions to yourself. You mention, "I don't want to waste time anymore", which is understandable. One question to yourself, is how long will his decision to reconcile or not take, and what is my timeline? Does, it coincide with his? This is a tough one for you because as I'm sure you've read on here and other sites, BS's betrayal recovery can take anywhere from 2-5 years on average. I would think it would be smart to be compassionate as you contemplate the time question, as it wouldn't even be on the table if you hadn't overstepped your boundaries. His fractured heart will need time to put back together. Your patient, diligent efforts will help determine his healing time.
> 
> If you really want him, I'm not sure you want to be looking at the calendar and adding up the weeks that are going by. I can almost guarantee, it will unauthentic-ate your efforts to regain trust and compromise your commitment to reconcile. If you feel anxious about time, share that with him. I don't think it'll help the reconcile very much because recovery is a personal experience that forgoes time, but at least he can say, I'm not sure when will know, at which such time you two can amicably part if you're uncomfortable without knowing how long it will take.
> 
> ...


Yeah 2-5 years is the average time I've been reading as well. I'm trying to be patient but I think I will bring up the time factor in a nice way by the end of this year. 

And yes thats me on that other forum. I haven't posted anything yet though. I hope we can reconcile too. I always have this "grass is greener" mindset and I'm trying to really appreciate what I have in life right now. Thank you for your reply. I'm really glad I found this forum.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> *Yeah 2-5 years is the average time I've been reading as well. I'm trying to be patient but I think I will bring up the time factor in a nice way by the end of this year.
> *
> And yes thats me on that other forum. I haven't posted anything yet though. I hope we can reconcile too. I always have this "grass is greener" mindset and I'm trying to really appreciate what I have in life right now. Thank you for your reply. I'm really glad I found this forum.


Remember that it's his schedule, not yours.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> So how is the book reading going? Have you tried to implement anything in the books? How was your IC?


 @sokillme, lol why would you quote the dumb physical stuff I did when you ask me how I'm doing lol

I like the book so far. I've been learning a lot about statistics and the impact of my actions. IC was fine, a lot of reflecting and just trying to understand why I would take the actions I did. I think a lot has to do with the lack of female friends I have when I came back to cali. Back in grad school, I was always surrounded by girlfriends and having fun. None of my friends from grad school live out here and all the friends I had from here are married and so busy I barely get to hang out. I think I need a good foundation of quality girlfriends in my life.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Malaise said:


> Remember that it's his schedule, not yours.


Yes understood. I'm so impatient at times. Maybe I won't bring it up and give it some more time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> @sokillme, lol why would you quote the dumb physical stuff I did when you ask me how I'm doing lol


Honestly because I read that post originally that you were saying yes you did those things with these guys, the way it was written with Yes as the first word it looked like you were saying YES you did it. So the post that was originally there was basically telling you how annoyed I was that you lied to all of us, and you should just divorce him. Then after reading a few more posts I realized I read it wrong so I changed my post. :grin2:

I was about to give up on you, but I still give you a chance. Maybe.

So then I went back to making sure you are still reading and learning.

Olympian effort remember. That is what it takes.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Honestly because I read that post originally that you were saying yes you did those things with these guys, the way it was written with Yes as the first word it looked like you were saying YES you did it. So the post that was originally there was basically telling you how annoyed I was that you lied to all of us, and you should just divorce him. Then after reading a few more posts I realized I read it wrong so I changed my post. :grin2:
> 
> I was about to give up on you, but I still give you a chance. Maybe.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I realize the way I replied to that thread was misleading. I just updated my response. It was just so funny how you randomly quoted that particular part.. not surprised :smile2:

And honestly I'm really not that bad 0

Yes, in the past I was, but I'm putting in work! I really am! Will def keep updates coming


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem

The old grass is greener line, I love that line!! Ok, I'm being a little sarcastic, but have you ever put deep thought into WHY the grass is greener? Maybe they tend to their lawn more? Maybe they use more manure then anyone else? Maybe, just maybe, your grass was greener all along? You see the grass is the marriage, how did you cultivate yours? 

I don't mean to be sarcastic or rude, I'm asking you honestly. Reflect on yourself here, how did you cultivate your marriage? By self reflecting you will find that you hid, that you ran to what brought you pleasure. If you want reconciliation, you can make it very hard for your husband to divorce. By that I mean if you do the work, you have true remorse, and you be the best you can personally be, your husband may have a very hard time going through with the divorce. Do you have it in you to self reflect in a brutally honest way?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Newgem said:


> @sokillme, lol why would you quote the dumb physical stuff I did when you ask me how I'm doing lol
> 
> I like the book so far. I've been learning a lot about statistics and the impact of my actions. IC was fine, a lot of reflecting and just trying to understand why I would take the actions I did. I think a lot has to do with the lack of female friends I have when I came back to cali. Back in grad school, I was always surrounded by girlfriends and having fun. None of my friends from grad school live out here and all the friends I had from here are married and so busy I barely get to hang out. I think I need a good foundation of quality girlfriends in my life.


This comes very close to you making excuses and blaming someone/something else for you doing what you did.

Bring this up in IC.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Newgem said:


> I've learned a lot from this and all I want is my family back. I want to be a mother. I want to have a family with my husband.


I want to tell you something from my own experience, and I want to be careful to say this correctly...

These things that you are saying are good and wonderful desires, and I'm going to pray for you that God will give you a child and will restore your marriage to a level which meets both of your needs and gives you restored happiness together.

When my wife said these things to me following her affairs, I was highly resentful, although I too wanted the same. We already had children.

The reason I was resentful was because I got the message that those were the reasons why she married me, and not because she was attracted to me or desired me "as a man". 

I was willing to provide those things FOR HER but they were not the reasons for marriage FOR ME. When I questioned her about it, she admitted that she married me because I was loving and supportive of her special-needs child, and other men she dated were not too anxious to include him in their plans. 

This is the one solitary fact of why our marriage was destroyed. It was not the affairs themselves. It was the underlying truth that could not be escaped.

Be honest with yourself and with your husband.
I hope this helps you along the way to recovery.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

drifting on said:


> Newgem
> 
> The old grass is greener line, I love that line!! Ok, I'm being a little sarcastic, but have you ever put deep thought into WHY the grass is greener? Maybe they tend to their lawn more? Maybe they use more manure then anyone else? Maybe, just maybe, your grass was greener all along? You see the grass is the marriage, how did you cultivate yours?
> 
> I don't mean to be sarcastic or rude, I'm asking you honestly. Reflect on yourself here, how did you cultivate your marriage? By self reflecting you will find that you hid, that you ran to what brought you pleasure. If you want reconciliation, you can make it very hard for your husband to divorce. By that I mean if you do the work, you have true remorse, and you be the best you can personally be, your husband may have a very hard time going through with the divorce. Do you have it in you to self reflect in a brutally honest way?


SO TRUE! I mentioned this to my husband yesterday. I need to water my own grass. I am truly remorseful and I am doing the work. I've been thinking about how childish and deceitful I was. The truth of the matter is, if something is causing me to be unhappy, it is my responsibility to fix it as an adult. By fixing I mean communicating my concerns, taking action towards fixing things, or if things can't be fixed being woman enough to express this and let's say decide to leave, etc.... Cheating and being deceitful is such a cowardly thing to do. 

It wasn't worth it.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

TJW said:


> I want to tell you something from my own experience, and I want to be careful to say this correctly...
> 
> These things that you are saying are good and wonderful desires, and I'm going to pray for you that God will give you a child and will restore your marriage to a level which meets both of your needs and gives you restored happiness together.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this with me. Are you and your wife still communicating? And when you say destroyed do you mean externally as well? Divorced?

I will take your advice.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newgem said:


> SO TRUE! I mentioned this to my husband yesterday. I need to water my own grass. I am truly remorseful and I am doing the work. I've been thinking about how childish and deceitful I was. The truth of the matter is, if something is causing me to be unhappy, it is my responsibility to fix it as an adult. By fixing I mean communicating my concerns, taking action towards fixing things, or if things can't be fixed being woman enough to express this and let's say decide to leave, etc.... Cheating and being deceitful is such a cowardly thing to do.
> 
> It wasn't worth it.




Newgem

Your response has given me hope that you are genuine in your recovery. Keep up the good work, trust me your husband will notice what you say and your actions.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Yeah 2-5 years is the average time I've been reading as well. I'm trying to be patient but I think I will bring up the time factor in a nice way by the end of this year.
> 
> And yes thats me on that other forum. I haven't posted anything yet though. I hope we can reconcile too. I always have this "grass is greener" mindset and I'm trying to really appreciate what I have in life right now. Thank you for your reply. I'm really glad I found this forum.



Newgem:

I'm hopeful for your reconciliation. It will be completely contingent upon how effective you are in placing yourself in your husband's shoes. You stand a chance because it wasn't a PA. For men that's a deal breaker for many, if not the majority. I'm a guy, and the pain is irreparable. It really comes down to how much you love your husband and wish to be married to him. 

*Time:* For some, like CANTEATCANTSLEEP on SI (SurvivingInfidelity.com - So many questions) she's in it for as long as it takes and have studied and applied WW repair principles to restore her marriage. If you haven't already, please read her story and determine if you would be able to match her commitment level. She's mastered (seemingly) the WS position and is steadfast on fighting for her marriage. I hope so much for a storybook ending for her. 

If your love is deep and unwavering, consider a polygraph test to affirm the fact that you haven't had a PA. This would ease his mind for 2 reasons, 1) He would see your pro-activity and effort to remove a potential question (if in fact one exists) 2) He would see your conviction to rebuilding his trust. 

*Grass is greener on other side of the fence:* Your young and perhaps you need to experience some things and other people. If you even have slight or unresolved thoughts of grass being greener on the other side of the fence, you should end attempts now, proceed with the divorce and consider him as a prospect after the divorce. This way, you can actually continue to "see" if both of you can reconcile, while at the same time, satisfy the question if others are more suitable for you, or at least attempt to do so. In many of the stories that I've read, the WS nearly always finds a newfound respect and admiration of the BS that was unnoticed when they were a couple. Sometimes the recognition is timely enough to reconcile. Sometimes it's too late. My experience is people are remarkably correct the first time in who they chose for a lifelong mate. Marriages get stale at times, and people begin to think of what their spouse doesn't have as opposed to what they do have. The affair flushes this thinking out, but damage, sometimes irreparable, is done in interim.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

..... by "destroyed", I mean that attempts at reconciliation failed. I was going to get a divorce but my attorney told me there was no way I'd get custody of the boys, that the courts would prefer the mother.

My fear was that my boys would be subjected to a parade of paramours in and out of their lives, so I continued to live in the family home in order to protect them from this.

My wife lost her battle with liver failure and passed away 4-1/2 years following her affairs.

I think you're doing the right things if reconciling and restarting your marriage is your goal.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am brand new here and have come to a point where I can't keep this in any longer.
> 
> ...


Read and re-read Drifting On's response. I think it's spot on. I think both parties can contribute from individual counseling here, and what he says about your husband deciding from a place of strength, not emotion is important. Hopefully for you, your husband will decide to stay and you will be able to work hard to prove to him that he made the right decision. But I encourage you to seek counseling immediately - I understand those feelings involved when seeking out other men, as I have had some similar experiences when I was young and in a very abusive relationship, and I would seek out attention from other men - not making any excuses - it was wrong - but I do see how it can be almost "addictive" the attention that you can get from men and how it makes you feel powerful. I also had an eating disorder and I can say it felt almost as powerful as being able to control my weight and starving myself. I wonder if you were feeling powerless in some way? I wonder if you thought going to school and obtaining your dream job would in some way empower you, and when it happened and was not all it was cracked up to be, if you felt powerless? I have had several miscarriages and know how powerless THAT can make you feel... But again, none of those are excuses, just trying to understand the mindset that led you to make these poor choices, or if it was just shear selfishness. I'm not going to chastise you for being stupid, it sounds like you know very well the first time that it was stupid, let alone the second time. I think this is a personal problem and something you need to work out in counseling, more than a reflection on the state of your marriage or on how happy you are with your husband. The big question is, will your husband wait around for that to happen.... I guess time will tell. By the way - you are young. As far as buying a home, give yourself a break, you have plenty of time. As far as your career, my daughter is 18 now and wants to go to college for her "dream career" that will make her "happy," and I'm trying to tell her that most people end up NOT loving their jobs. It's just the way it usually goes. Repetition, routine, once you're doing something for a paycheck and no longer for passion, it sort of takes the fun out of it. Find another job. I recently left a very high paying salaried career of 20+ years to find something that I would actually enjoy and that would bring me less stress, although it has affected me financially. There's always a trade off. Bigger paycheck = bigger stress, typically speaking. Anyhow, good luck to you, I really hope that you get the help that you need and realize that true fulfillment comes in the most mundane, regular, non-exciting ways sometimes, in contentedness. But it can be wonderful and comforting too!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your replies. My husband does not want to spend the rest of his life with me any longer.


I am sorry to read that. 

*This doesn't excuse it*, but I do think your affairs may have been part of your processing the grief of your miscarriage. I've seen that pattern a few times (working in this field). 

You said somewhere in the thread that you are no longer in love with your husband, and "_how long does love last anyway_". That's not a good place to be.


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## thedope (Jan 3, 2017)

Have you got the poly yet NewGem?


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

colingrant said:


> Newgem:
> 
> I'm hopeful for your reconciliation. It will be completely contingent upon how effective you are in placing yourself in your husband's shoes. You stand a chance because it wasn't a PA. For men that's a deal breaker for many, if not the majority. I'm a guy, and the pain is irreparable. It really comes down to how much you love your husband and wish to be married to him.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response. I think I hadn't experienced certain things in my 20's and when I did when I was out of state, I wanted more of it. 

And you are right regarding the WS finding newfound respect for BS after separation. Obviously depending on the circumstances, but I do hear this quite often. A friend of mine told me about her close co-worker. It was a woman who had known her husband for such a long time (ever since they were teens).. they got married mid 20's and never had kids and were living their life. At some point, the woman wanted to do more with her life and wanted to go to law school, while her husband was very happy where he was at as a social worker. They were both social workers at the time. Anyway, she ended up going to law school and becoming a lawyer, while the husband remained a social worker. She started becoming unhappy bc her husband was not 'up to par' bc she was so much more educated and they 'grew apart' apparently and they ended up having a divorce. She felt like she could do so much better. So here she is, mid 30's freshly divorced... and so she dates, and dates, and dates many different men. Men with children, men with history etc. And years pass...now she is early 40's, single, no children. And she was telling my friend how much she wishes her ex-husband was the last person she would have met amongst all these men so she would have appreciated him and they would have still been married right now. 

Its interesting how things work out a certain way. That story always stuck with me. Anyway, thanks again for the reply.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

TJW said:


> ..... by "destroyed", I mean that attempts at reconciliation failed. I was going to get a divorce but my attorney told me there was no way I'd get custody of the boys, that the courts would prefer the mother.
> 
> My fear was that my boys would be subjected to a parade of paramours in and out of their lives, so I continued to live in the family home in order to protect them from this.
> 
> ...


You are strong. Thank you for sharing this with me and others.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

trueblue2017 said:


> Read and re-read Drifting On's response. I think it's spot on. I think both parties can contribute from individual counseling here, and what he says about your husband deciding from a place of strength, not emotion is important. Hopefully for you, your husband will decide to stay and you will be able to work hard to prove to him that he made the right decision. But I encourage you to seek counseling immediately - I understand those feelings involved when seeking out other men, as I have had some similar experiences when I was young and in a very abusive relationship, and I would seek out attention from other men - not making any excuses - it was wrong - but I do see how it can be almost "addictive" the attention that you can get from men and how it makes you feel powerful. I also had an eating disorder and I can say it felt almost as powerful as being able to control my weight and starving myself. I wonder if you were feeling powerless in some way? I wonder if you thought going to school and obtaining your dream job would in some way empower you, and when it happened and was not all it was cracked up to be, if you felt powerless? I have had several miscarriages and know how powerless THAT can make you feel... But again, none of those are excuses, just trying to understand the mindset that led you to make these poor choices, or if it was just shear selfishness. I'm not going to chastise you for being stupid, it sounds like you know very well the first time that it was stupid, let alone the second time. I think this is a personal problem and something you need to work out in counseling, more than a reflection on the state of your marriage or on how happy you are with your husband. The big question is, will your husband wait around for that to happen.... I guess time will tell. By the way - you are young. As far as buying a home, give yourself a break, you have plenty of time. As far as your career, my daughter is 18 now and wants to go to college for her "dream career" that will make her "happy," and I'm trying to tell her that most people end up NOT loving their jobs. It's just the way it usually goes. Repetition, routine, once you're doing something for a paycheck and no longer for passion, it sort of takes the fun out of it. Find another job. I recently left a very high paying salaried career of 20+ years to find something that I would actually enjoy and that would bring me less stress, although it has affected me financially. There's always a trade off. Bigger paycheck = bigger stress, typically speaking. Anyhow, good luck to you, I really hope that you get the help that you need and realize that true fulfillment comes in the most mundane, regular, non-exciting ways sometimes, in contentedness. But it can be wonderful and comforting too!


Yes, the other men fulfillment thing. I think since it comes so easy it was something I didn't have feelings attached to and its just something I did. A few weeks ago, my husband was even saying how what I did was not a typical cheating with one person type of thing. How abnormal I am that I didn't even have feelings attached or how cold it was and how men are usually the 'player' type. Honestly, it was like I didn't really care and I don't even remember stuff. Like its not a big deal type of personality... but IT REALLY IS. He was saying how men who cheat and don't care do that and most women aren't like me. I know I messed up and I realize I hurt peoples feelings and I am working on myself as a person. Yes, it possibly gave me power? It gave me control. Easy control. It brought some type of action in my life. It seems like I like action and adventure. Clearly, I took the wrong approach in how I would seek these feelings out. 

I am glad to hear you are out of that abusive relationship and no longer involved with eating disorder. 

It is a personal problem and I am working on it. Thank you, I know today is the youngest I will ever be. I just wish I could accomplish more. I know the house will come, etc etc. But, I just have this emptiness... like I'm not proud of myself or something. Regarding your daughter, she is so young. You are exactly right... a dream job may not feel like a dream 15 years from now. Yes so true - bigger paycheck=bigger stress. That's how I feel. I worked so hard to get here... Honestly, I've been working on a side venture that will give me some purpose. Even if it fails, currently I am passionate about it. 

All in all, I am grateful and blessed. I'm learning to be more productive, stop complaining/wasting time, and start taking more action to achieve whatever I want. And finding fulfillment in the small things.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> I am sorry to read that.
> 
> *This doesn't excuse it*, but I do think your affairs may have been part of your processing the grief of your miscarriage. I've seen that pattern a few times (working in this field).
> 
> You said somewhere in the thread that you are no longer in love with your husband, and "_how long does love last anyway_". That's not a good place to be.


Thanks for the response. I do love my husband, but it's not like how it was when we first met. Maybe thats what I meant. I'm working on myself though.


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## Newgem (Nov 8, 2017)

thedope said:


> Have you got the poly yet NewGem?


Hi. So regarding the poly. Not yet. I called couple police stations and they haven't been helpful. I found 2 spots online which I will most likely go to before the end of December. 

My husband and I had a 'heart to heart' talk and I told him the stuff I did. I think he's been starting to believe me, now. But regardless I am going to get the poly and write a letter and give it to him before Christmas. I've been making progress. I've been working really hard to be an amazing, fun, smily, energetic, good cook, clean the house wife. I've been so good, and will remain this way. 

Once I get the poly I will post results too. First time for this so it will be interesting.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Newgem said:


> Thank you for your response. I think I hadn't experienced certain things in my 20's and when I did when I was out of state, I wanted more of it.
> 
> And you are right regarding the WS finding newfound respect for BS after separation. Obviously depending on the circumstances, but I do hear this quite often. A friend of mine told me about her close co-worker. It was a woman who had known her husband for such a long time (ever since they were teens).. they got married mid 20's and never had kids and were living their life. At some point, the woman wanted to do more with her life and wanted to go to law school, while her husband was very happy where he was at as a social worker. They were both social workers at the time. Anyway, she ended up going to law school and becoming a lawyer, while the husband remained a social worker. She started becoming unhappy bc her husband was not 'up to par' bc she was so much more educated and they 'grew apart' apparently and they ended up having a divorce. She felt like she could do so much better. So here she is, mid 30's freshly divorced... and so she dates, and dates, and dates many different men. Men with children, men with history etc. And years pass...now she is early 40's, single, no children. And she was telling my friend how much she wishes her ex-husband was the last person she would have met amongst all these men so she would have appreciated him and they would have still been married right now.
> 
> Its interesting how things work out a certain way. That story always stuck with me. Anyway, thanks again for the reply.


Sadly, I've seen this story play out many times. What the wife of your friend may failed to factor is the depth of her husband's love that allowed her to pursue her dreams and attend law school in the first place. When one spouse permits and agrees to the support the other spouse's dream, this is called real love because of how much sacrifice is required. Sacrifice is not exciting. It's not like a movie filled with sparks flying. It doesn't make one giddy with teenager like sensations. It's just deep, heartfelt love. This is REAL marriage. This alone should have revealed to her what she had. Your story was a brief description, but when one spouse makes a career change that involves additional school ($$) the decision is a two pronged one that requires the other spouse to go along with it as a supportive spouse. Basically 3-5 years of financial pause or loss takes place for the couple. 

The supportive spouse makes SIGNIFICANT changers in his/her life to support the career changing one. The SS (Supportive Spouse) has to lend financial credit to enable student loans, decrease their disposable entertainment activities to help support the recipient spouse (RS) as they go through school. The SS agrees to sacrifice evenings and weekends for class and study commitments and so on. I could go on for 30 minutes and still not cover all of the support and sacrifice the SS takes on. But SS are so often so consistent, unassuming and selfless in there actions, the RS often never thinks much about the SS's sacrifices because they been this way for the entire relationship and the RS knows nothing different. 

Case in point, I consider myself pretty grounded, but even I had this point proven to me recently. After reading these f'n horror stories of infidelity on here and SI, I began to all of a sudden, began hugging my wife, telling her I love her (I used to *NEVER* do that) sending romantic texts and stuff. Why? Because I recognized even more clearly than before how lucky I and we were to never having to deal with infidelity. We only have to deal with bills, finances, etc, which is hard enough as it is. But I can't imagine her or I having to become broken hearted and then tackle life's challenges as well. Every story I've read reinforces what I have and how lucky I am. Your friend's wife, never really got to this point and lost the one person in this world who loved her dearly. 

I live in Wash DC where everyone's ambitious and progressive, hence people marry others for their position, rank, money, title, car, house, etc. When I was single, I used to joke with my male friends the difference of my success in talking with females was tied to if I went to a bar in my neighborhood immediately after work (suit and tie) or after when I would go home and change into jeans and where a woman couldn't tell what I did for a living. The difference was astounding and hilarious. Being a factory worker wasn't as sexy as working as a broker for an investment firm, which is what I was doing. I despised this though and dressed casually as often as I could so that I would't meet the image that females had in their minds. I felt this would allow me to find a more genuine female. I succeeded in doing this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Thank you for your response. I think I hadn't experienced certain things in my 20's and when I did when I was out of state, I wanted more of it.
> 
> And you are right regarding the WS finding newfound respect for BS after separation. Obviously depending on the circumstances, but I do hear this quite often. A friend of mine told me about her close co-worker. It was a woman who had known her husband for such a long time (ever since they were teens).. they got married mid 20's and never had kids and were living their life. At some point, the woman wanted to do more with her life and wanted to go to law school, while her husband was very happy where he was at as a social worker. They were both social workers at the time. Anyway, she ended up going to law school and becoming a lawyer, while the husband remained a social worker. She started becoming unhappy bc her husband was not 'up to par' bc she was so much more educated and they 'grew apart' apparently and they ended up having a divorce. She felt like she could do so much better. So here she is, mid 30's freshly divorced... and so she dates, and dates, and dates many different men. Men with children, men with history etc. And years pass...now she is early 40's, single, no children. And she was telling my friend how much she wishes her ex-husband was the last person she would have met amongst all these men so she would have appreciated him and they would have still been married right now.
> 
> Its interesting how things work out a certain way. That story always stuck with me. Anyway, thanks again for the reply.


Only thing that could make that story better is if he married someone younger and prettier. >

Funny how the ones who get dumped had the same marriage missed the same opportunities and still knew how well that had it. Wish washy people suck to be married to. Just saying.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Newgem said:


> Hi. So regarding the poly. Not yet. I called couple police stations and they haven't been helpful. I found 2 spots online which I will most likely go to before the end of December.
> 
> My husband and I had a 'heart to heart' talk and I told him the stuff I did. I think he's been starting to believe me, now. But regardless I am going to get the poly and write a letter and give it to him before Christmas. I've been making progress. I've been working really hard to be an amazing, fun, smily, energetic, good cook, clean the house wife. I've been so good, and will remain this way.
> 
> Once I get the poly I will post results too. First time for this so it will be interesting.


Instead of doing things, connect with him emotionally. Meaning work on being emotionally vulnerable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Only thing that could make that story better is if he married someone younger and prettier. >
> 
> Funny how the ones who get dumped had the same marriage missed the same opportunities and still knew how well that had it. Wish washy people suck to be married to. Just saying.


Hey, I’m sure that law degree — and the smug sense of silent condemnation that apparently came along with it — keeps her warm at night.

:lol: :rofl:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

colingrant said:


> For some, like CANTEATCANTSLEEP on SI (SurvivingInfidelity.com - So many questions) she's in it for as long as it takes and have studied and applied WW repair principles to restore her marriage. If you haven't already, please read her story and determine if you would be able to match her commitment level. She's mastered (seemingly) the WS position and is steadfast on fighting for her marriage. I hope so much for a storybook ending for her.


LOL...

Guess I don’t remember reading that one growing up.

Hopefully that guy will give himself the best Christmas gift ever this year and kick his WW to the curb for good.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL...
> 
> Guess I don’t remember reading that one growing up.
> 
> Hopefully that guy will give himself the best Christmas gift ever this year and kick his WW to the curb for good.


I'm convinced that dude is a comedy writer and sticking around for the insurance and apartment. He says over and over he is done, yet he still lives there off of her. It's kind of sad actually. She seems broken by what she did (and rightfully so) but they both should just move on already, put themselves out of their own misery. I also suspect he might be seeing someone else. She has hinted as such. Limbo which is the end game of the advice the posting rules seems to produce over there is exactly where they are.


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