# How do I get out of this? And should I?



## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

I could post a novel, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I just really need someone to talk to. I am 33 and my husband is 40. We've been married 8.5 years and together 11. We have 3 kids (oldest was mine from a previous relationship, but he was 1 when we met and has never seen his bio dad).

Things have really been pretty unhealthy from early on, but I was too young and naive to see the signs at first. We fell in love quickly (he said "I love you" on the 3rd date) and talked about marriage from the get-go. However, when we had been together almost 2 years, he told me he wasn't sure that he ever wanted to be married, but did want to stay with me. I told him that I did want to be married, so if that wasn't something he wanted, I should move on. He then said that he "guessed" we could get married. That right there should have been a big red flag..but instead, I was thrilled and ready to plan my wedding. Which, btw, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about bc he spent his savings trying to save his dog who had bone cancer, so he couldn't get a ring right away. I had to agree to not tell anyone and quietly plan alone until he got the ring. Which, I did. I dressed shopped, cake tasted, everything, alone....and when it came time to finally get the ring (3 months before our set wedding date), I shopped for that alone as well. During our "engagement" period is when he also started to become very verbal abusive as well. I can remember the first time he lashed out at me vividly. He was playing online poker and I happened to chime in about whether or not I would fold or bet. I think I said I would bet and he did just that and lost the hand. At which point he turned around and shouted "Just shut up! You made me lose that hand! If I need your input, I will ask you. For now just shut up!" I cried and he apologized and I chalked it up to him being stressed out.

Right after our one year wedding anniversary I ended up finding screenshots on our computer of webcam sex chats he had been having with women. I had found the same once before, when we were dating and he had promised to never do it again. This time, he said it wasn't a big deal and I only had a problem because I was insecure, but that if I cared that much, he wouldn't do it again. Well, from 2007-2011 I caught him more times than I can count. In addition, I caught him emailing exes telling them he was thinking of them or that he would be in their town and found out he had talked to an ex on the phone frequently when I was pregnant with my second. Again, when I confronted him he said he could talk to anyone he wanted and if I wasn't insecure then he wouldn't have to hide it from me. He just kept saying he wasn't doing anything wrong. I also wasn't allowed to have access to any of his email accounts or his phone or he bank account. By the time my second baby was 1, in 2010, the verbal abuse was out of control. In addition to this, he had little interest in spending time with me or the kids and I wasn't allowed to do anything without the kids (I am still not). I begged him to go to counseling and he finally agreed in late 2010, but after he went twice, he said it was pointless. 

By fall of 2011, I was just empty. I was numb and didn't want to be with him anymore. I felt like nothing was ever going to change and he was going to continue to talk to other women, call me insecure, and verbally berate me constantly...and he didn't see any problem with it. Around this same time a dad of one of my oldest's teammates started talking to me about how he noticed that my husband treated me terribly and he just didn't understand how he din't realize how lucky he was. We developed a friendship, and then, eventually a relationship. I know it was the wrong thing to do, but it felt so good to have someone who told me I was beautiful all the time (my husband never wanted to have sex, maybe once every 3 months throughout our entire relationship), and enjoy talking to me. My confidence grew and, though I didn't want to leave my husband for this man, it did give me the courage to tell my husband I wanted out. However, when he noticed me pulling away, he started groveling. He told me he was sorry, cried all the time, begged me to stay, etc. I wasn't fazed, I was numb. A month into my affair, my husband found out about it and at that point, shifted. He was furious. However, after making me do various things to prove to him how much I loved him and how sorry I was (like writing a letter detailing my affair and reading it aloud to his siblings and cutting out any friend that I had told about the affair or that didn't think highly of my husband), he decided we would stay together and go to counseling. I also found out I was pregnant with my 3rd at this time. Throughout counseling he kept saying he was happier than ever, but wouldn't fully commit to saying he forgave me until we had a paternity test on the baby (I knew it was his, but I could understand his concern). He also apologized for not being there for me throughout the marriage, admitted that he had never wanted to be married and kept women on the backburner all the time, and for how nasty and mean he had been to me. However, he said that regardless of what he had done, my affair was far worse.

Even still, our marriage was the best it has ever been for the 2 years following the affair. Therapy was amazing, we talked about things we had never talked about before. I found out he had previously slept with over 100 women and had always seen me in more of a "pure" light, which was why he never wanted to be intimate with me. It felt great to have everything out in the open.

But, in fall of 2013 the verbal abuse started to return full force. It's now worse than ever. He tells me all the time that I am stupid, an idiot, dumb, lazy, bad mom, etc. A couple of examples: Our boys' cheap dresser fell apart recently and he said it was my fault and I broke it. Then, a 50 year old electric heater that is built in to our bathroom wall stopped working when I was in the shower and he told me it was my fault. He said "leave it to you to break something. No surprise it burned out while you were in there and not me....I'm sure you did something to cause it, just like you did with the drawers." I told him to stop making assumptions and he screamed in my face to "shut your yapping little chihuahua mouth, you stupid dork" or he would make sure to scream loud enough to wake the kids. Also, a few days ago, one of our kids spilled a drink that was on the end table. My husband had just gotten home from a card game and I was in the bathroom when it happened. He came barging in yelling at me about how I caused the spill bc I allowed them to put a drink on the end table. If I can't control spilled drinks in my own home with only 3 kids, I was going to suck as a teacher (I am going to school to teach and am almost finished), that I wasted all this time going to school when I am not going to be able to find a job bc I suck and he is 50 times the teacher I will ever be (he subs full-time, but is nowhere near getting his degree).

Those are just a couple of small examples. Even worse, he is treating my oldest the same way. I also found out recently that he had never stopped talking to other women (he says he has now, but I found emails from August 2014 with nude pics), even when he was telling me how sorry he was and that it was wrong. When I told him how much this hurt me, he said that I needed to understand that he felt the need to talk to someone bc of my affair. He also still throws the affair in my face. He says I'm shady and not trustworthy and if we see the other man at the ballpark, he was start taunting me asking me if it brought back good memories and describe in detail things he knew happened (bc he made me tell him as part of me proving how sorry I was) and ask me if I was thinking of those things. Then he will say I just ruined his whole day bc I'm a disgusting person (mind you, I haven't talked to this man in 3.5 years).

I could really go on all day here. He refuses to ever go to counseling again He says that he is not verbally abusive, just "truthful" and that my son and are just whiny, sensitive, babies. He even tells me things like "the bible says that you are supposed to tell people when they're being stupid." He tells everyone that he is only with me bc of the kids. 

We recently had a talk and he admitted that he thinks it was a mistake that we ever got married. He still didn't want to be married and wasn't happy and would never be happy. However, he wants to stay married for the kids. I asked him if he would be willing to go back to counseling with me to at least make the best of it if that's what he wants and he said "no, I don't see why it would help. I'm over trying to fix things. I'm good with just being miserable and stuck with you until the kids are grown and by then we will probably be too old to care."

The thing is, I don't want this. He says that if we divorce it will be far worse for the kids than us fighting and very selfish of us. He says it is up to me if I want to leave, but that if I choose to be selfish it proves I don't care about the kids' feelings and he will make the divorce ugly.

I can't help but feel like I want to know what it's like to be with someone who really wants to be with me. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful and attractive and won't tell me to shut up when they don't feel like listening to me talk or tell me that I'm stupid every day. Someone who would be supportive of me and my goals and not constantly try to crush them. Oh, and if he didn't gawk at a rave over attractive women all the time, that would be nice too (he has said he thinks he is more attractive than me bc he modeled in NYC for awhile. He has told me he feels he kind if settled looks-wise He thinks I'm pretty, and would be the better looking spouse in 99% of relationships, but I chose the 1% that happened to be more attractive). 

If that is not realistic, then at the very least, I would like to NOT be with someone who treats me the way he does. But, I do feel selfish and that it would damage my boys more than anything. I'm just so unhappy and so torn...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book, then come back and tell us what you learned:
Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.
FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I didn't get past the third paragraph. Just leave him. For both of you.


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## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

Thanks for the link. Sorry it was so long 

My big problem is that when he starts being nice, which always happens for a short time after a big blow up (a few hours or days), I feel guilty for wanting to leave and regret talking about it. Like right now, I feel guilty for posting this bc he was nice this morning and brought me a tea to work. I realize it is not rational to be so forgiving and soft.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The book will explain all of that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There's really no redeeming qualities here. 

The writing was on the wall when he said he wasn't really into getting married and you went ahead anyway. It seems you wanted to believe a fantasy that was never the reality.

Sometimes tehre's too much water under the bridge. Seems like the case here.

Also, you COULD stay married for the kids. But I wouldn't recommend that at all. You said he treats your oldest this way? That's a HELL NO in my book. You are a parent and should protect your son from this kind of sh*t behavior.

He is 40 so is very unlikely to change. What you see is what you get. Seems he has always been the way you describe him now - chasing after other women, not wanting to be married, and a jerk to you. Is the age thing ever an issue with you guys? Just wondering.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You realize, right, that if you stay any longer your SON will grow up to be an abusive, cheating *******, too? Men become just like their fathers if they grow up with them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, he will grow up thinking that's a cool way to treat women or end up resenting you for staying in that situation; or resent the dad; or just not want anything to do with you guys; or end up treating people the same way. ICK.

The better question is: Why would you want to stay?


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## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

I don't want to stay. I just feel guilty for feeling that way and I'm having a hard time getting past the guilt as well as finding courage to stand up to him, especially when he has made it clear that if I ever choose not to be with him, I will be a terrible mom and selfish and he is going to make it difficult for me. I have hard time not believing that what he says is true....that I'm not being selfish. Also, financially, I can 't even begin to support myself until I graduate in December. However, at the same time, I hate the idea of staying with him until then. I want out asap, so that I can begin repairing myself. But, then I feel guilty for wanting this. It's a double-edged sword. We also have a family vacation planned in June, already paid for, and we have never been on one with all 5 of us. I don't want to ruin that. But I also don't like the thought of still being under his control for even a few more months. Another thing that concerns me is how he will treat the kids if he has them alone, and I won't be there to comfort them or defend them. I am just a mess of emotions and am so confused and I feel so guilty.

Also, I think I have to download the book. If I do that, he will see it on the laptop and will throw a fit. Just wondering if there is a way I could read it without him knowing?


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

You don't want to get me started on the "staying together for the kids" thing. Everything the others have said is true...your son deserves better (and risks ending up the same way if you stay), you deserve better, and honestly your husband will be better off as well since he clearly didn't want this marriage. So that answers the "should I" part. I'm sorry I can't help with the "how" part.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

purplepeopleeater said:


> he has made it clear that if I ever choose not to be with him, I will be a terrible mom and selfish and he is going to make it difficult for me.


Aw, he's trying to scare you/bully you into staying with him. What a romantic guy. 

You were fine before you met him and will be fine after you leave, too. Nobody was born with anyone at the hip.



purplepeopleeater said:


> Also, financially, I can't even begin to support myself until I graduate in December.


Do you work now? If not, get a job. Starting looking. You can always file for child support, too.




purplepeopleeater said:


> Also, I think I have to download the book. If I do that, he will see it on the laptop and will throw a fit. Just wondering if there is a way I could read it without him knowing?


Where are you typing from right now? Do you not have your own phone /computer/ tablet? Surely whatever medium you are using to type on, can be usd to see this book. Also, you can most likely google it or get a free copy of it at the library. 

Also, are you still having an affair or seeing someone else? If so, my advice is to not do that. You need to have a clear head as you take action. This is truly no time to be involving third parties. Not conducive at all to healing. You can't begin to heal from any of this while you are entertaining someone else.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

purplepeopleeater said:


> I could post a novel, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I just really need someone to talk to. I am 33 and my husband is 40. We've been married 8.5 years and together 11. We have 3 kids (oldest was mine from a previous relationship, but he was 1 when we met and has never seen his bio dad).
> 
> Things have really been pretty unhealthy from early on, but I was too young and naive to see the signs at first. We fell in love quickly (he said "I love you" on the 3rd date) and talked about marriage from the get-go. However, when we had been together almost 2 years, he told me he wasn't sure that he ever wanted to be married, but did want to stay with me. I told him that I did want to be married, so if that wasn't something he wanted, I should move on. He then said that he "guessed" we could get married. That right there should have been a big red flag..but instead, I was thrilled and ready to plan my wedding. Which, btw, I *wasn't allowed to tell anyone* about bc he spent his savings trying to save his dog who had bone cancer, so he couldn't get a ring right away. I had to agree to not tell anyone and quietly plan alone until he got the ring. Which, I did. I dressed shopped, cake tasted, everything, alone....and when it came time to finally get the ring (3 months before our set wedding date), I shopped for that alone as well. During our "engagement" period is when he also started to become very verbal abusive as well. I can remember the first time he lashed out at me vividly. He was playing online poker and I happened to chime in about whether or not I would fold or bet. I think I said I would bet and he did just that and lost the hand.* At which point he turned around and shouted "Just shut up! You made me lose that hand! If I need your input, I will ask you. For now just shut up!"* I cried and he apologized and I chalked it up to him being stressed out.
> 
> ...


Wow, look at the statements in your post that I bolded. Every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a manipulative LIE. Not to mention what a giant hypocrite he is, since he is a long time cheating pig. And you BELIEVE this crap?? I've never read so much straight up MANIPULATION in one post! Stop buying the bullsh!t he is selling you and let go of the guilt for wanting out! You HAVE to get out of this! I know you want out but feel like you're stuck...do whatever it takes, even if you have to move in with family for a time. DO NOT stay for your kids! If nothing else, you need to LEAVE for your kids! He will damage them beyond repair otherwise! So check your guilt at the door, and stop listening to the crap that comes out of his mouth. HE LIES. Stop listening, stop responding, stop believing...detach. You have to start detaching in order to start making your exit plan, it will be the only way that you can start to cope successfully so you can focus on getting out.

Kudos to you for knowing you need to get away from him.


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## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

I am not having an affair or seeing someone or even entertaining the thought. I had one for a month in 2011. It's not worth it and I would never do that again. Right now, I am at work. I substitute teach and I'm on planning. We share a laptop at home and my phone doesn't have enough space left to download a book. 

As far as a job...I substitute teach. I am finishing my elementary ed degree and will student teach in the fall. I can't just quit all of this when I'm so close to being finished just to go get a full time job. I will graduate in December. I actually should have already graduated, but my college made me repeat a math class before I could student teach and it wasn't offered until this semester, so I am doing that now and subbing and when I student teach in the fall, I am not allowed to work (nor would I have time). I also do nearly everything for my kids, 2 of which have activities every afternoon and on weekends, I also do all of the doctor's appointments, etc. Which is why nights and weekends is not possible for me. As of January I will be eligible for a full time teaching position or long term sub job, and could afford to put the little guy in preschool at that point. 

Not sure why you thought I was having an affair? I said I would like to find someone...but not until I am divorced and have a stable job and have healed mentally. I actually hate the idea of even "getting back out there".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

purplepeopleeater said:


> Also, I think I have to download the book. If I do that, he will see it on the laptop and will throw a fit. Just wondering if there is a way I could read it without him knowing?


Unless he's in IT, you can just delete all the history. But I think you should go get the book from the library and just read it that way.


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## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> Unless he's in IT, you can just delete all the history. But I think you should go get the book from the library and just read it that way.


Not really. But we use the same computer and he would notice if something was downloaded. He actually saw a question I posted on another forum back when I found nude pics in his email this past fall. He saved my post in a file on the computer bc he said I was demeaning him and he intended to use it against me if he needed to. He thinks I shouldn't discuss him with anyone bc it's disloyal. If he saw this he would be super pissed. It's part of why he says I'm not trustworthy. When I post on forums and read things about relationships he says that advice is not healthy advice and just a "bunch of liberals" that find everything offensive and I am stupid to listen to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PLEASE get the book and read it. It will change your life.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to go to MC just to steer divorce in the right direction. 

From what you've written your husband sounds a like fundamentally insecure person. He needs therapy. But you've waiting long enough. Get out while you're still young.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your thinking is damaged by the abuse you have suffered. Your H has battered your self-esteem to the extent that you believe his bs.

The reality is different from what he has bullied you into believing:

The reality is that he is an abuser.

The reality is that he is not a good father and that your children will not be hurt if you leave.

The reality is that you will be a good single mom and teacher and will be able to lead your family without him.

The reality is that the entire universe knows that you have nothing to feel guilty about. He is the guilty one.

And what we know, but you are not saying is that the reality is that he has cheated on you with other women for a very long time.

No guilt. Just file for divorce and liberate yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Short-term effects of emotional abuse include:

Surprise and confusion
Questioning of one's own memory, "did that really happen?"
Anxiety or fear; hypervigilence
Shame or guilt
Aggression (as a defense to the abuse)
Becoming overly passive or compliant
Frequent crying
Avoidance of eye contact
Feeling powerless and defeated as nothing you do ever seems to be right (learned helplessness)
Feeling like you're "walking on eggshells"
Feeling manipulated, used and controlled
Feeling undesirable
A partner may also find themselves trying to do anything possible to bring the relationship back to the way it was before the abuse.

Effects of long-term emotional abuse by significant others, boyfriends or girlfriends include:

Depression
Withdrawal
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Emotional instability
Sleep disturbances
Physical pain without cause
Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts
Extreme dependence on the abuser
Underachievement
Inability to trust
Feeling trapped and alone
Substance abuse
Stockholm Syndrome is also common in long-term abuse situations. In Stockholm Syndrome, the victim is so terrified of the abuser that the victim overly identifies and becomes bonded with the abuser in an attempt to stop the abuse. The victim will even defend their abuser and their emotionally abusive actions
Effects of Emotional Abuse on Adults - HealthyPlace

Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology


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## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

Thank you for the list.....it really hit home. Especially the not making eye contact. I was once making eye contact with my husband while out eating and he told me to stop looking at him when I talked because my eyes were dancing around and it was really weird and creepy. So, ever since I avoid making eye contact with anyone. Even when we are talking one on one, I turn my face slightly away or look down. 

And to the pp that said we need marriage counseling. We have done that. He says he will never go back and would rather divorce than go back to counseling. He has said that he is just an honest person and I like to make a big deal out of nothing and am too sensitive and want him to be too "pc", which he will never be. The other day he said that one day I will appreciate the fact that he is so honest with me and is the "realest" person I know. When I tell him that he is hurtful with the things he says and does, he says that I don't accept him for who he is and let him be himself.

Just tonight I got berated because our 2 year old was fussing and had finally calmed down and I asked him if he wanted his food, because we were all eating. He started crying again and my husband snapped "Geeez...what a retard! Why did you have to ask him that? Just shut up! I could have told you that that would upset him. Way to go, genious." 

Then he and my son were talking about basketball and my son said something as if it were fact, but it was not correct. He told him to shut up because he didn't know what he was talking about and he looked stupid, as usual. 

And that's a really typical and fairly mild day with my husband. He even wrapped his arms around me and tried to be really affectionate before going to bed. It baffles me.

Anyway, I have a plan that I would like to propose to him, as far as separation. I want to tell him that I am planning on moving out after my current class is over in May. At that point, I will start staying with my grandparents and the boys can stay with him a few times a week. I will continue to help with the bills, because he can't afford the house on his own. In the fall, I will give him my student loan money to pay rent, as usual. Then in the winter, when we file taxes, I will get half in order for me to get my own place (and I will hopefully have a full time job by then). And he can use the other half to pay rent up. I would like for one of us to remain in the same house for awhile to benefit the boys. I will preface this by telling him that if at any point he decides to get serious about helping himself and working on his anger/control issues, as well as working hard with a marriage counselor, then I will consider coming back. But not until he proves this to me. 

However, I am a nervous wreck about telling him this. I know he will interrupt me and tell me it's not a good idea. He will say that I just want out so I can "go bone other dudes" (a quote he has said before) and that I'm shady. There is no way he will allow me to get out everything I want to say. I have thought about emailing it to him so that I can lay everything out, but I just think that's tacky, so I don't know. And I still feel so guilty!


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

However, after making me do various things to prove to him how much I loved him and how sorry I was (like writing a letter detailing my affair and reading it aloud to his siblings and cutting out any friend that I had told about the affair or that didn't think highly of my husband), he decided we would stay together and go to counseling. 


I couldn't get past this point in the post. Tell him, in order to stay with YOU, he needs to read his sex chats in front of his siblings. The nerve of him!

Divorce!


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Please, divorce him while the children are young. It will only be harder on everyone if you wait. It will also cause issues for them later as they grow older. They will pick up his nasty ways, and treat you and others like he does.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

purplepeopleeater said:


> Just tonight I got berated because our 2 year old was fussing and had finally calmed down and I asked him if he wanted his food, because we were all eating. He started crying again and my husband snapped "Geeez...what a retard! Why did you have to ask him that? Just shut up! I could have told you that that would upset him. Way to go, genious."
> 
> Then he and my son were talking about basketball and my son said something as if it were fact, but it was not correct. He told him to shut up because he didn't know what he was talking about and he looked stupid, as usual.


My heart aches for your kids. 

Your H doesn't have to agree to you wanting out. Most divorces aren't mutual anyway. With that said, it doesn't sound like he ever wanted to get married or loves you so his wanting to stay married just seems like it's cause he wants to have control over you and is an insecure a$$. Doesn't sound like he has your best interest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ppe, your husband doesn't have to agree to you leaving. You're an adult and you can make your own decisions. In fact, nearly every expert in this field will tell you to NOT tell him you're leaving, to just make your plans, move your stuff out one piece at a time so he doesn't notice, and then just leave to some place safe. He WILL become desperate and try to stop you and he will CONVINCE you to stay if you try to talk to him about it. Please don't give him warning. Please read the book.
FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


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## purplepeopleeater (Mar 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> ppe, your husband doesn't have to agree to you leaving. You're an adult and you can make your own decisions. In fact, nearly every expert in this field will tell you to NOT tell him you're leaving, to just make your plans, move your stuff out one piece at a time so he doesn't notice, and then just leave to some place safe. He WILL become desperate and try to stop you and he will CONVINCE you to stay if you try to talk to him about it. Please don't give him warning. Please read the book.
> FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


I tries to download the book, but none of the links have worked for me. 2 of them said that there could be a virus attached and others said I needed to install some program for it tp work ( the name escapes me), but it required a password to download the software and the laptop we use is H's brother's. I guess I will have to try to go by the library at some point. 

We subbed at the same school again today and he was being really sweet, introducing me to people proudly, using terms of endearment. And wanting to look online at houses together for ideas of what we want to buy in a few years (something we used to do a lot). It's times like this that I feel really guilty. It's like I think to myself "See, it's not that bad, he really does care and is a good person."And then I feel bad blindsiding him when he thinks things are good. I couldn't imagine just taking off out of the blue...I would feel terrible. I still definitely feel like I want to leave, I just don't know how to stop feeling guilty about it and how to approach him (I wouldn't be able to not tell him).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Guilt is the NUMBER ONE TOOL of the abuser. All his words are DESIGNED to make you feel inferior and owing him something. HE should feel guilty, not you. Have you found a therapist yet?

btw, you're in the honeymoon/calm phase, if he's trying to 'woo' you by pretending to care about looking at houses.

It's all an act. Get the book.

*Phases*
The cycle usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship[4] or some form of intervention.[5] The cycle can occur hundreds of times in an abusive relationship, the total cycle taking anywhere from a few hours, to a year or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the "reconciliation" and "calm" stages may disappear,[citation needed] violence becomes more intense and the cycles become more frequent.[5]

1: Tension building
Stress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. It also builds as the result of illness, legal or financial problems, unemployment, or catastrophic events, like floods, rape or war.[5] During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months.[6]

To prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. Or, to get the abuse over with, prepare for the violence or lessen the degree of injury, the victim may provoke the batterer. "However, at no time is the batterer justified in engaging in violent or abusive behavior," said Scott Allen Johnson, author of Physicial Abusers and Sexual Offenders.[6]

2: Acting-out
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse[5] and include psychological abuse.[6] During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (survivor), with the use of domestic violence.

In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner's relationship degrades as well. The release of energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim "had it coming" to them.[5]

3: Reconciliation/honeymoon
The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may wrongly feel responsible.[5]

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse, stay in the relationship.[7][8]

4: Calm
During this phase (which is often considered an element of the honeymoon/reconciliation phase), the relationship is relatively calm and peaceable. During this period the abuser may agree to engage in counseling, ask for forgiveness, and create a normal atmosphere. In intimate partner relationships, the perpetrator may buy presents or the couple may engage in passionate sex.[5] Over time, the batterer's apologies and requests for forgiveness become less sincere and are generally stated to prevent separation or intervention.[6] However, interpersonal difficulties will inevitably arise, leading again to the tension building phase.[5] The effect of the continual cycle may include loss of love, contempt, distress, and/or physical disability. Intimate partners may separate, divorce or, at the extreme, someone may be killed.[5]
Cycle of abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

purplepeopleeater said:


> I tries to download the book, but none of the links have worked for me. 2 of them said that there could be a virus attached and others said I needed to install some program for it tp work ( the name escapes me), but it required a password to download the software and the laptop we use is H's brother's. I guess I will have to try to go by the library at some point.
> 
> We subbed at the same school again today and he was being really sweet, introducing me to people proudly, using terms of endearment. And wanting to look online at houses together for ideas of what we want to buy in a few years (something we used to do a lot). It's times like this that I feel really guilty. It's like I think to myself "See, it's not that bad, he really does care and is a good person."And then I feel bad blindsiding him when he thinks things are good. I couldn't imagine just taking off out of the blue...I would feel terrible. I still definitely feel like I want to leave, I just don't know how to stop feeling guilty about it and how to approach him (I wouldn't be able to not tell him).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Have a look at this page on the internet to understand the strategies used by an emotional abuser. Sometimes knowledge is power. You need to stay focused and not get sucked in by his sweet overtures. I worry for the kids as it is terrible for their self esteem and their emotional security to be subject to that from their own father.

A new power and control wheel


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