# Feeling Lost/Hopeless. How do I pull us out of this funk?!



## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

First off, I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read this. Second, I'm looking for some sound advice. Some guidance. Keep it real. Keep it honest. I believe in pure, no bull****, "plain speaking." 

I'm 32 years old, male, married five years (wife and I have been "together" a total of six years), father of two wonderful kids - 8 and 4 years old. My 8 year old isn't mine biologically, but I don't care about that considering I've been raising her since she was in diapers. Her biological father may show up one or two times a year to see her, oh and the one phone call a week he pays to her. If I could afford the legal battle to adopt her, I would be all over it. My youngest is ours biologically. Full of piss and vinegar, just like his dad (go figure). They are my pride and joy and I would do anything for them. They are my legacy!

I have to say that my wife and I have had our fair share of ups and downs throughout our journey together. I've defiantly pushed our marriage to the limits and vise versa (my opinion anyway). What couple really hasn't had to endure hard times, right? I've lied, made her cry, I've said terrible things to her, etc. but we've always made up and have pushed forward. Our finances are in the gutter to say the least. Together we only have $50K worth of debt but it feels as if we're pushing $500K. Bills are late on a consistent basis. We live check to check. Not trying to push blame or responsibility on someone/something else - it's our own damn fault we're in a terrible financial state. We did it to each other. Most of our fights have been absolutely brutal and damaging. I've almost filed for divorce twice but have not followed through. There's always something that pulls me out of it. Something in me that doesn't want to give up. As we inch closer to every anniversary, our marriage gets weaker. We grow more distant. Sure, we still share a few laughs but we aren't the couple we used to be. I merely get the feeling that we're trying to "hang in there" for the kids sake which she and I both know that it's not right to do that.

Recently, I accepted a new job which required us to relocate. Was a huge jump for us, especially my wife considering that she's lived in the same city/state her entire life. We both decided together that it would be a fresh start for us and I accepted the offer. Also, please keep in mind with this move, I had to move my in-laws with us. Long story short, my in-laws had to file bankruptcy and unfortunately with that, lost their house to the bank. They've been living with us even before we relocated. Rather than let them live on the street, I felt obligated to move them in with us. Forgive me for saying this but it was probably one of the worse mistakes I could have made because it's made things even worse in the household but I'll get to that later.

My wife is homesick, which I totally understand. I've been there. This move has been easier for me because I've moved around my entire life. She hasn't. I do share with her that I'm here for her and that I understand how she feels. We seem to grow further apart week after week. In my opinion, this is one of worst feelings a husband can have. My wife is withdrawn. Burying herself in her phone and TV whenever she's at home. It hurts more than I can imagine. We don't talk. If she has her phone or is watching TV, everyone else is totally tuned out. What can I say? It absolutely sucks. This isn't what I imagined. Our financial situation doesn't help either. She's constantly stressed about our finances, as am I. 

I guess you could say that I'm stuck. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling helpless with this. All I want to do is pull us out of this funk we're suck in. But I don't know how to do it - or maybe I do but it's not registering. I just want to be that couple that used to thrive. Instead, we're the couple that cringes at the mere sight of each other. We used to have sex at least four times a week. Now we're barley clocking in a couple times a MONTH! We used to joke about being the married couple that only had sex once a month - now look at us.

There's so much more I could add on, but point blank, I will do the thing that all men fear - I'll ask for help. Need some honest feedback. I don't share my personal business with my family or even my friends so I hope joining this forum will be a breath of fresh air. Please feel free to ask any questions, even if they're brutally honest - have at it. I'm not looking for flowers or rainbows. I want to win my wife back.

Again, thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have a question. 

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together doing things that you both enjoy (quality time), just the two of you with out anyone else? I mean without your children, your in laws, etc?


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## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

Funny you mention that. I brought this up with my wife the other day. I was actually spontaneous for once, took a personal day and took her out to brunch. It was great. I asked her, "when's the last time we actually went out? Just the two of us?" We couldn't answer the question. We probably haven't been out together in five months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whirly007 said:


> Funny you mention that. I brought this up with my wife the other day. I was actually spontaneous for once, took a personal day and took her out to brunch. It was great. I asked her, "when's the last time we actually went out? Just the two of us?" We couldn't answer the question. We probably haven't been out together in five months.


This is the cause of all the problems that you talk about. How do you two expect to have a good marriage when you don't act like you even have a marriage? (Not attacking you, just want you to think about that.)

In order to maintain the passion in a marriage, the couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of them. 

Think of a couple who is in love and dating... then they stop spending time doing date-like things. Instead all they do is work and take care of personal things. How long do you think it will be before they just stopped seeing each other?

Humans are chemical engines. What does that mean? It means that chemicals run our body and our minds. Exterior things, like spending time with someone who are passionately in love with causes the brain to produce and uptake large quantities of oxytocin, dopamine and other feel-good hormones. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone. In addition Oxytocin is called the amnesia hormone... it causes people to see their love interest through rose colored glasses. (It's also what causes women to bond to their baby at birth and to for exactly how much pain they suffered in child birth. I heard it said that were there not oxytocin, there would be no second child.)

When a couple first falls in love they are in the infatuation stage. They feel sort of drunk on love... well it's really oxytocin they are drunk on. It makes them feel good and have lots of passion for each other. Every time they spend time together, their bodies react by producing lots of oxytocin, etc. Making love causes even more oxytocin.

After that 18-24 month period the relationship enters what we call 'mature love'. The brain stops producing and up taking the large quantities of oxytocin. So it takes more quality time together to maintain the in-love feelings and passion for each other. 

Once oxytocin levels fall below some level, a person stops feeling the love and passion. On top of that the amnesia effect of oxytocin is gone and now the couple sees each other through stark lenses, seeing every flaw, every annoyance. And, it can get to the point where a person does not even want to be touch. Women generally get to the 'don't touch me point' before men do because women are more sensitive to oxytocin.

There have been tons of studies done on this. Some of the studies have even tried giving couples who are in counseling, near divorce, oxytocin supplements. And guess what? They get along better and get that in-love feeling. Couple who do this do better in counseling and more easily cooperate and solve their problems.

Unfortunately, Walgreens and CVS don't sell oxytocin. Not yet anyway.

The good news is that if you were in-love before, you can rebuild the love and passion. It's not all that hard if the two of you are willing to do the work.

The first thing you two need to do is to stop doing 'love busters'. What are 'love busters'? They are those little (and sometimes big) things that annoy each other. Once you both stop that, then you start spending lots of time together basically dating and you both start meeting each others needs.

There are two books that walk you though how to do this: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order because you have to stop the love busters first. (And no I don't make any money off suggesting those books. They are just classics that have methods that really do work.)

What I suggest is that you read them first and do the work. That will help you know what to do and what to say to your wife. Then ask her to read them with you and for the both of you to do the work the books lay out - together.


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## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

I appreciate you taking the time to type all of that out and share. I'll take your advice and order the books. What can it hurt?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whirly007 said:


> I appreciate you taking the time to type all of that out and share. I'll take your advice and order the books. What can it hurt?


I know of so many people who have used those books to change their marriages for the better.

You can of course still hang out here and get some support. For example maybe we could help you figure out ways to spend time with your wife. I know it's difficult with children and in-laws around. I went through that when my children were younger. It's a challenge.

Also, if you have questions about things, just ask. Someone will be along to help out.


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## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I know of so many people who have used those books to change their marriages for the better.
> 
> You can of course still hang out here and get some support. For example maybe we could help you figure out ways to spend time with your wife. I know it's difficult with children and in-laws around. I went through that when my children were younger. It's a challenge.
> 
> Also, if you have questions about things, just ask. Someone will be along to help out.


There's plenty of things I could think of to go out and do. Hard part these days is trying to convince her to even go out with me. Even to get her to go to brunch the other morning was a struggle. Even though it felt great to get out and spend time together, I got the feeling that she felt obligated to do it since I randomly took the day off to spend time with her. Doesn't feel that good when your partner does something only to appease you.

Not sure where she's at in her head. I feel like she's got one foot out the door already. This may be me being selfish but I feel like I'm the only one trying to pull us out of this. I'm so tired of the doom and gloom mentality on a daily basis. I can't fix this relationship all by myself. I can't fix our finances by myself. I don't have the magic pill to fix our issues.

Another thing to add, then I'll sign off for the night. Throughout our marriage, I've lied about various things. I've never been unfaithful to her, would never even think of it. I've lied about finances (unpaid taxes prior to our marriage and putting money from my paycheck in a separate account to pay for a gym membership). Or I'll pull money from the ATM to go buy lunch or something and not tell her about it. She gets upset because we're in debt and have bills to pay. I get it, I get that we're struggling but if I want to go out to lunch once in a while and grab a bite to eat for $12, why should I feel bad about it? It's not like I went out and bought a Corvette. Funny thing is, if she goes out and does the same thing, nothing is said about it. I don't say a word because I feel that she should have the freedom to go out and buy lunch if she wants to. No questions asked.

To close, she holds onto everything that I've done throughout the years and won't let it go. The more we fight, the more it gets brought to light. When I screw up, I apologize repeatedly. I'm reminded of any wrong doing that I've done for days on end until she decides to let up. It's gotten to the point now to where she's just flat out disrespectful when she's upset with me about something to where she doesn't want to talk it out - she just snaps and gets extremely rude. She says the reason behind this is because of all the respect she's lost for me over the years and that she's allowed to feel how she wants and be the way she wants towards me until she feels otherwise. 

I'm not trying to play "victim" here - I'm certainly not. But I have to ask - is that fair? Do I deserve to be treated with disrespect simply because of my lies or whatever issues from the past? Thing is, I can really only take on that burden for so long until I just stop caring. From there - I don't know where things will go.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I know of so many people who have used those books to change their marriages for the better.
> 
> You can of course still hang out here and get some support. For example maybe we could help you figure out ways to spend time with your wife. I know it's difficult with children and in-laws around. I went through that when my children were younger. It's a challenge.
> 
> Also, if you have questions about things, just ask. Someone will be along to help out.


Well with the inlaws living with them they have built in baby sitters. Once a week for a date should be no problem. 

OP, are your in laws in work? Looking for work? Do they pay toward the bills and food? Are they going to
move out at some point?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

whirly007 said:


> There's plenty of things I could think of to go out and do. Hard part these days is trying to convince her to even go out with me. Even to get her to go to brunch the other morning was a struggle. Even though it felt great to get out and spend time together, I got the feeling that she felt obligated to do it since I randomly took the day off to spend time with her. Doesn't feel that good when your partner does something only to appease you.
> 
> Not sure where she's at in her head. I feel like she's got one foot out the door already.


You could start out slow. One of the most important things for women in non-sexual intimacy. That’s things like just talking. This means a lot to many women. Find times when you can just talk with her.



whirly007 said:


> This may be me being selfish but I feel like I'm the only one trying to pull us out of this. I'm so tired of the doom and gloom mentality on a daily basis. I can't fix this relationship all by myself. I can't fix our finances by myself. I don't have the magic pill to fix our issues. .


You are right that you cannot fix the marriage yourself. The only person you can change is yourself. But as you change, she will have to change. Basically, any change in the environment will cause everything else in the environment to change. Now it’s up to her how she changes. Hopefully she will choose a positive path.

Have you considered counseling? Along with the books, counseling might gently push her to start putting effort into things. Plus, it can open up the communication between the two of you.

Also, you need to do things to become the best you can be. What do you do for yourself these days? Do you work out? Do you have hobbies?


whirly007 said:


> Another thing to add, then I'll sign off for the night. Throughout our marriage, I've lied about various things. I've never been unfaithful to her, would never even think of it. I've lied about finances (unpaid taxes prior to our marriage and putting money from my paycheck in a separate account to pay for a gym membership). Or I'll pull money from the ATM to go buy lunch or something and not tell her about it. She gets upset because we're in debt and have bills to pay. I get it, I get that we're struggling but if I want to go out to lunch once in a while and grab a bite to eat for $12, why should I feel bad about it? It's not like I went out and bought a Corvette. Funny thing is, if she goes out and does the same thing, nothing is said about it. I don't say a word because I feel that she should have the freedom to go out and buy lunch if she wants to. No questions asked.


Yep, you need to get into counseling. If she does the same thing but then comes down on you when you do it, she’s very wrong. Very wrong. 

There is also a good book about how to handle finances.

Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner by David Bach 
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=smart+co...t+couples+finish+,aps,181&ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_21

Sorry about all the book recommendations, this forum in not a good format for passing on a lot of info. And to be honest, I often find that a good self-help book is a lot more helpful than a counselor. Counselors usually just listen to you and encourage you to talk (which you and your wife need). The books teach you think that are very important. For example, until I read the “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs” books, I really had no idea what a marriage should look like and what is reasonable to expect from the relationship.

I have not read the 2018 edition of this book, but the original edition left one thing out. The basic plan is that first you pay yourself. This means that first you put at least 10% of your income into savings. Then your pay your bills (the book goes into how to plan this) and then with the remaining money you can just blow it and enjoy life.

What the book leaves out is that often it’s a good idea to split the discretionary income 50/50. That way each of you have exactly the same amount of money to spend on thing like $12 lunches. A lot of couples even have a joint account out of which savings and bills are paid. Then they each have a separate account for their discretionary funds.

You have clearly hurt your relationship with the way you have basically been untruthful about finances. You are going to have to find a way to prove to her that you are no longer doing that and that you can be trusted. It can take a long time to do that. 

Her coming down on you for a $12 lunch is huge Love Buster. What you have done being untruthful about finances is also a huge Love Buster. You both need to stop those things.



whirly007 said:


> To close, she holds onto everything that I've done throughout the years and won't let it go. The more we fight, the more it gets brought to light. When I screw up, I apologize repeatedly. I'm reminded of any wrong doing that I've done for days on end until she decides to let up. It's gotten to the point now to where she's just flat out disrespectful when she's upset with me about something to where she doesn't want to talk it out - she just snaps and gets extremely rude. She says the reason behind this is because of all the respect she's lost for me over the years and that she's allowed to feel how she wants and be the way she wants towards me until she feels otherwise.


That’s hard to deal with. Have you ever asked her what she needs for you to do to rebuild trust and respect? 

You two have a lot of work to do. 

Does your wife have a job? It’s not clear if she is working outside the home or not.

Do her parents have an income, or are you supporting them too? You say that they are living with you. Do they pay a fair share of the rent/mortgage and all other bills?


whirly007 said:


> I'm not trying to play "victim" here - I'm certainly not. But I have to ask - is that fair? Do I deserve to be treated with disrespect simply because of my lies or whatever issues from the past? Thing is, I can really only take on that burden for so long until I just stop caring. From there - I don't know where things will go.


The answer to that depends on what you have done to change and what you have done to assure her that your change is permanent.

If you have stopped the dishonesty, then at some point she has to stop punishing you. If she does not, then at some point she becomes an emotional abuser. It sounds like she might be doing that.

This is a good topic for the two of you to discuss at counseling. If she cannot forgive you something you did in the past (assuming you have stopped and have been open and honest for some time), then she is making it unsafe for you to open and honest. It’s a vicious cycle.

This if one of the things that the “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs” books emphasizes. You have done some serious love busting with being dishonest about finances. She’s love busting with the stuff you’ve mentioned. So the two of you need to negotiate what actions you each need to take to stop the love busting and to protect each other from all this nonsense.

For example, your finances need to be 100% transparent. But you have to be able to spend some money on things like an occasional lunch. The idea of each of you getting $X each month that you can each spend however you want would get her out of your face with you having some spending money. And the two of you sitting down together every payday, going over your finances, putting $$ in savings, paying bills, and discussing your financial plans will go a long way to make your finances transparent.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

whirly007 said:


> There's plenty of things I could think of to go out and do. Hard part these days is trying to convince her to even go out with me. Even to get her to go to brunch the other morning was a struggle. Even though it felt great to get out and spend time together, I got the feeling that she felt obligated to do it since I randomly took the day off to spend time with her. Doesn't feel that good when your partner does something only to appease you.
> 
> Not sure where she's at in her head. I feel like she's got one foot out the door already. This may be me being selfish but I feel like I'm the only one trying to pull us out of this. I'm so tired of the doom and gloom mentality on a daily basis. I can't fix this relationship all by myself. I can't fix our finances by myself. I don't have the magic pill to fix our issues.
> 
> ...


This was my marriage. Let me give you the OTHER side.
1. Is she depressed? Moving, especially from somewhere you have lived your whole life can cause MASSIVE depression. Look it up. I spiraled out for 4 years after our move. Because I did it to appease him.wrong motivation. Add to that the money situation and the dependants (parents and kids)and you have a perfect storm.

2. Money insecurity makes people feel out of control

3. The lies have to stop. I think I get your motivation but it’s killed her respect for you. She can’t trust you and that’s soul crushing. Now, I know they are not big lies, but they chip away at her opinion of you.

You two are not working as a team. If you think like my husband did, you figure $12 bucks? What’s the big deal? I work for my money and I’m not asking her permission. WRONG ATTITUDE. Trust me.

Crikey i could go on but this situation brings back too many bad memories.

Look up Dave Ramsey. Get on board. Tell her you want to work as a team. THEN WORK TOGETHER. Be open.

It took a while to get into this spot. It’s gonna take a while to get out. You’re lucky. At least you are having sex. Our situation got so bad we only had it a few times a YEAR.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The marriage is salvagable but I think she also has to put in the work. You should take her away for an overnight stay and say you want to talk about the marriage and consider the way forward. Really listen to her. If she brings up all the things you did wrong ( we women do that) she is looking for your acknowledgement and an indication that you will not go there again. Trust is fundamental in a marriage, if you break it, it is difficult to get it back and trust is tied up with respect for you.
You should see if there is any free marriage therapy in your area, e.g. Relate and go to it.


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## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Well with the inlaws living with them they have built in baby sitters. Once a week for a date should be no problem.
> 
> OP, are your in laws in work? Looking for work? Do they pay toward the bills and food? Are they going to
> move out at some point?


I'll give you the low-down on my in-laws. This November it will be a year since they moved in with us. My father-in-law works as an electrician and my mother-in-law stays home. However, my mother-in-law has a lot of health issues and with that, she's barley able to care for herself so we can't trust her to care for my kids. Even if we wanted to leave them with her, we couldn't. I trust my 8 year old to care for her and her brother more than I trust my mother-in-law to do so. The one time my wife and I asked them to watch our kids for a date night (five months ago) they agreed to do it, however, they were very passive-aggressive about it. You could tell that they really didn't want to do it, but they were doing us the favor to be nice. They start to pry and talk about our personal business, for example, why are we going out on a date night if we have no money, etc. 

They do help financially. But even that is a struggle since my wife and I pretty much have to beg to get the bill money on a weekly basis. Also, with them living with us, I had to rent this huge house because we needed the space, doubling my utility bills along with the rent. It's stressful. They always have a doom and gloom attitude because they aren't in a great spot financially either. My mother-in-law is extremely passive aggressive and you cannot speak with her or have an honest conversation with her without her losing it on you and getting defensive.

Regarding plans to move out - my wife and I have discussed plans to move out without them once our lease is up next May. We haven't discussed those plans with them yet but we plan to discuss them once November hits. I can already tell you that they are both going to blow it out of the water and try to make my wife and I feel terrible about the decision we're making.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wow you have an incredible amount of pressure on yourself with very little outside support or help. 

If you don’t get your financial problems under control they will only get worse and worse. I think you need to call a family meeting and establish a plan and some ground rules. You need to all buckle down, put your big boy pants on (your family not you), and sacrifice a lot for the next few months to hopefully gain some traction and stability.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I understand all of this except the in laws living with you. However we tried roommates a long time ago to ease financial burden and it was a disaster on our relationship. We ended up jumping ship. Our plan was we looked at one bedroom apartments and did the price difference between the 2 bedroom and paid the difference until the lease was up. So we paid for a place we weren't at for about 5 months. Worth. Every. Penny.

One thing I would suggest is to sit down and look at the cost of all your bills in total. Then setup your direct deposit to a joint account, and any left over money you might have is split into separate personal accounts. It's easy to do. Now you base this off your average income. So if you have a short check, your fun money takes a hit. If you have a larger than normal check, your fun money stays at the set amount and the extra goes towards whatever bill you are working on paying down. Balance transfer 0% interest if you can. Just keep doing it and pay one thing off at a time. Drag out the rest. It's a snowball and will pick up some steam. Every once in a while something will happen and you sink back a bit, but you will notice you are still making progress. It's a slow process but it is still progress and you will feel better about things just having this progress in the right direction, no matter how small. 

Next is to look at all your spending down to the loaf of bread you buy. Everything has to be looked at. Do you need Sara Lee or will great value get you by? Do you need Keurig coffee singles or will good old fashioned pot coffee do the trick? I'm not sure what you spend on, but I'm 100% positive there's things in there you can adjust. Little creature comforts you dont really need. Bottles of water, you have a tap, use it! Stuff like that. I bet you can find an extra $100/month easily if you just spend the time and look for it and make the adjustments. Buy bulk meats and freeze them. When cooking, does everyone need a steak? No. Cut your meats and use them in dishes that stretch your food out. There's countless ways to adjust things. How much food goes bad and you throw it away? Make daily or every other day trips to the store on the way home from work. Get what you need just for that meal and plan ahead based of the weekly specials at the grocery store. Food costs and waste is an easy one to find pissed away money. Nearly everyone does it. My guess, with 6 people, you will find a good $150/month just thrown away in this area alone. You don't have to starve, you just need to cut the waste. I promise this doesn't mean you have to cut out tasty foods and it's sort of fun for me anyway, when I can find a way to feed our family of 4 for under $5, That's the goal. Get creative and it feels good. Sometimes its $10, sometimes its $15, then sometimes its $4! Not ramen either, cooked meals! For 4 adults and 2 kids I would set my goal for under $10/dinner while not eating spaghetti every night. Food costs, take a hard look at them if you haven't. Every bit adds up to a lot at the end of the month. An extra dollar here, extra $.50 there. Feels like nothing. At the end of the month you are looking at a water/trash or gas bill at least worth of money. If you are really bad, you are looking at an electric bills worth of food cost waste. Theres other waste in your spending besides food, I guarentee it.


Sucks at first, then you get used to it. Then it's just how you live and it's worth the changes and it doesn't bother you. 

Next is to open up and ask for help. I cant stress this enough. Allowing people to help you instantly changes the ball game. Instantly! Reach out for support. Not just in your marriage but with your own things that you never worked on because life "gets in the way" but that's an illusion of your own creation. Kicking the can down the road endlessly. You need to open up. People WILL help you. Things start changing right away when you do this. Encourage your wife to do the same. I promise it works. Others you dont even know will start supporting you in various ways. You have no idea how badly people want to help one another. Its humbling and beautiful and I'm telling you it changes your life. Things suddenly just start falling into place all around you. I understand not asking for help as well as anyone. Pride is a double edged sword and right now you are only killing yourself. 

Lastly, Express your love daily and endlessly for her. The damage is done, but the healing hasn't started. Simply trying not to screw up again isn't healing, that's more can kicking. She's hurt, you are hurt. You are barely scratching the surface of your own pain here, I can tell. Personal blame is worthless if that is all you do. Its helpful if it makes you grow, but it's not a reason to grow. She is and your kids are. Mistakes will ALWAYS be made. Trying not to make them is a fools errand. Growing above such mistakes is the right way to go about it. It's harder and requires you become more vulnerable at first. Squash out that fear and get vulnerable. Rebuild from there. You cant rebuild on what you have now. It needs to be crushed and together rebuilt back to a place of strength in one another. Stop dragging your lifeless corpses along. Just bury them completley, and face each other openly again. Get back on the same path. This is healing. You are trying to construct a gurney right now. Just bury that old f***er already and start over. Reading those books will help. Opening up and being vulnerable will also help. Cut toxic people out. Doesn't mean you dont love them. Syd Barret was loved by his mates, they had to kick him out of the band. They just had to. You probably have some band members that just dont need to be in your band anymore. Cut them out.

Strength and love your way brother. Take the hard paths you know are the right ones.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

One more thing I saw this in Dave Chappelle's latest standup and I loved it. You are not poor. Poor is a mindset that people never escape. You are broke! Haha. That's temporary. Drop the poor mindset and accept you are broke. 

We too are broke. Stop comparing others wealth to your own. Create your wealth. What I've noticed is our love is so deep and true, that no matter how broke we are financially, we are in the top 1% in our own wealth. Create your wealth! You can be broke yet more wealthy than Bezos.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@whirly007

Do you have any idea how much your FIL earns? If you do, is it at or below the poverty line where you live?

Is your name on the lease for the place you are now? Are your in-law's names on the lease?


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I'll +1 the recommendation for "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" - terrifically helpful books.

I would also add "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" to that list, as it deals a lot more with communication. And I would submit that your communication habits need some revamping. Trust is the blood of all relationships; you are slitting your relationship's wrists when you choose to lie. Put a stop to it.

I've recently been re-reading a book titled "Hold Me Tight", and in the beginning of the book, the author asserts that a lot of relationship issues are caused by couples emotionally disconnecting. An excerpt:

"_What couples and therapists too often do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. They don't feel emotionally safe with each other any more. The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers. Calls to their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.... When conflict arises, we generally do one of two things: we either become demanding and clingy in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.

Then, as distressed partners resort to these mechanisms more and more, it creates a vicious spiral of insecurity that only pushes them further and further apart. Which in turn creates even more interactions in which neither partner feels safe, heard, or valued. Both become defensive, and are left assuming the worst about the other, and their relationship._"

The goal of "Love Busters" is to help you identify behavior that destroys this emotional connection and intimacy. While the book "His Needs, Her Needs" will teach you how to create habits that build this intimacy, and communicate value and adoration to your wife.

While "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" is to keep you from letting conflicts become unproductive and hostile.


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## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> @whirly007
> 
> Do you have any idea how much your FIL earns? If you do, is it at or below the poverty line where you live?
> 
> Is your name on the lease for the place you are now? Are your in-law's names on the lease?


My father-in-law earns around $70K a year. My mother-in-law pulls in around $1,600 per month with her disability. And yes, their names are on the lease.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Why isn't she working?

The one kid is in school most of the day, no? The 4 year old could be watched by her parents who freakin' OWE you both quite a lot and when the 8 year old gets dropped off after school, they can watch her as well until one of you get home from work.

So again, why isn't she working? She thinks her days are better spent mindlessly looking at her phone hour after our after hour? And again, if she's so worried about finances - while letting you support HER parents - why on earth is she not working? I couldn't imagine *expecting* my husband to support MY parents.

She needs a job. Not only would she actually become a productive human being, but she'd be helping support HER parents and the best part is that she'd finally make some new *friends* in the area while doing it. It's win/win.


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## whirly007 (Aug 28, 2019)

Just last night we got into it again over a joke gone wrong. Swear to God I feel like I'm walking on eggshells half the time. I've now been told that I need to worry about fixing myself rather than worrying about fixing our marriage. Also, if I fix myself then that would probably help her come around and fix the marriage.

What in the hell does it mean to work/fix myself?! Maybe it sounds so simple to people but in my mind I'm literally trying to fix everything to make her happy. I'm getting to the point to where I feel trapped and that I cannot focus on work or anything without worrying about her being unhappy or worrying about messing something up!

I'm feeling defeated day after day. Seems like we can't get through three days without having a blow up which adds many issues to the relationship that's already burning down.

Holy hell! I can't win!


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