# Is it truly cheating



## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

My husband is an alcoholic who I haven't left for financial reasons.we have two children who are going thru uni so they still need to be supported. I live in Australia but am from the UK. A few years when I went back I got in touch with my ex boyfriend who I haven't seen for 24years. We ended up staying over night in a hotel and since then have been in touch by email. I'm going back to visit my mum and I'm planning to stay a few days with my ex. He's also married but not happy and staying for the sake for kids.

Is it the right thing??? I'm not happy in my marriage and only see the ex every few years when I go to visit my mum. Am I doing the right thing???:scratchhead:


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

No he's oblivious to everything except the bottle. I've tried to talk about how unhappy I am with his drinking but he doesn't care.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

IF he really is that much of an alcoholic, I cannot imagine that the financial reasons for staying will persist.

If you think that your husband will never get off the bottle, then it's time to make your exit strategy. Definitely divorce him before he drinks up the household budget and loses his job.

Fooling around with someone else is no long term strategy.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It's called an affair dear. I'm guessing you two were not watching TV and playing cards in that hotel. Your thing to justify this by saying your rarely get together, but if he lived 10 minutes away for you how often would you see him? 

What do you think your husband and his wife would think about what the two of you are doing? Grow up. You can't use your unhappiness in your marriage to justify an affair. There are a lot more people involved than just the two of you. I Doubt you will, but you need to end it and cease contact with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Mycah said:


> No he's oblivious to everything except the bottle. I've tried to talk about how unhappy I am with his drinking but he doesn't care.


Drunks are like that. I'm sorry for the way he treats you. But your EX has a wife and kids that would be negatively effected if the affair came to light.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

I know all of you are right. I know an affair is an affair. But I feel stuck. The financial burden makes me stay. Yes I know that's not a good enough reason. A part of me wants to believe he will wake up and realise how much he's destroying our lives but I also know he will never change.
He's been doing this for the last 17years (married for 24) so why should he change when he has a doormat like me to look after the household etc.
I looked into getting a mortgage on my own etc but then sat back as I don't want to sacrifice the life style I have. Selfish yes but it's the kids making that sacrifice as well.
It easy to say move on but so hard to do.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

You are having an affair.

You are rewriting history to justify it (as per script).

You are not a victim. Your situation is NOT different or unique or special. You are just a garden variety cheater, and this is how ALL of them rationalize it.

I wonder what your husband's side of the story would be if he knew.

inb4 90 pages of zanne mental gymnastics.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Take your situation out of the discussion altogether. You are in an affair with a married man. It does not matter if his marriage is happy or not. He is married. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I would say your loyalty has to be to your H until you decide that you don't want to be married to him anymore... 

I can understand that you need some joy in your life, because your situation sounds pretty dark, but having an affair is not really an upstanding thing to do.... Most people are not fundamentally deceitful. No good can come of it. You will regret it.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Sorry your husband has a problem with alcohol, but what problems does your ex's wife have for her to deserve her man cheating with you???.

Its not just your life others are involved, If you cant take anymore with your husbands behaviour then end it, But is getting involved with an ex who is involved with someone else really a good idea.

Out of the frying pan into the fire???.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Without any doubt you are cheating. Both you and the ex bf are heading all the way across the cheats route. If your H was ok with all that you are doing AND the other guys W was ok with all of this AND the fact that there could be an intermate moment it might just be different. I doubt either is. If your going this way then you best option is to get the legal advice and do the thing properly and legally.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Mycah said:


> No he's oblivious to everything except the bottle. I've tried to talk about how unhappy I am with his drinking but he doesn't care.


I'm sure he is not oblivious if you tell him you are cheating, I feel that you are using his alcoholism as an excise to cheat, it's not. What you are doing is cake eating, you like your lifestyle and you want to continue to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> IF he really is that much of an alcoholic, I cannot imagine that the financial reasons for staying will persist.
> 
> If you think that your husband will never get off the bottle, then it's time to make your exit strategy. Definitely divorce him before he drinks up the household budget and loses his job.
> 
> *Fooling around with someone else is no long term strategy.*


:iagree:

Especially someone else who's married!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mycah said:


> A few years when I went back I got in touch with* my ex boyfriend* who I haven't seen for 24years. *We ended up staying over night in a hotel and since then have been in touch by email*. I'm going back to visit my mum and* I'm planning to stay a few days with my ex. **He's also married* but not happy and staying for the sake for kids.
> 
> Is it the right thing???


*Is it truly cheating*

I cannot honestly believe that you think that this is NOT cheating and that this is the "right" thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mycah said:


> I know all of you are right. I know an affair is an affair. But I feel stuck. The financial burden makes me stay. Yes I know that's not a good enough reason.
> 
> *I looked into getting a mortgage on my own etc but then sat back as I don't want to sacrifice the life style I have. Selfish yes *


Indeed. Very selfish.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Mycah said:


> I know all of you are right. I know an affair is an affair. But I feel stuck. The financial burden makes me stay. Yes I know that's not a good enough reason. A part of me wants to believe he will wake up and realise how much he's destroying our lives but I also know he will never change.


Ok, his drinking contributes to destroying your marriage. And you cheating? How does that contribute positively?



> He's been doing this for the last 17years (married for 24) so why should he change when he has a doormat like me to look after the household etc.


So leave.

Oh. 

Wait.



> I looked into getting a mortgage on my own etc but then sat back as I don't want to sacrifice the life style I have. Selfish yes but it's the kids making that sacrifice as well.
> It easy to say move on but so hard to do.


So, you're choosing to stay, and it's because you don't want your standard of living to decrease. That's your choice. People do things because they get something out of it. By staying in your marriage, you get to be a martyr, holding things together with no help from an alcoholic, and have a lifestyle you like.

And... The kids... 

I wouldn't have the stones to bring them up if I were in your position, but I'll just say this: you don't think you're already making sacrifices for them, by staying (and cheating) in an unhappy marriage, living with a drunk? Do you think they're happy anyway? And how about what you and your partner in crime are doing to his kids?

The kids are clearly a distant last on ALL of the lists of the adults in this situation. What a shame.

---

I'm sorry about the troubles you have in your life. I mean that very honestly. I wouldn't want to live with an alcoholic either. I have empathy for the position you're in.

There. Done.

Now: go pull your head out of your a$$ and do the right thing.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mycah said:


> Is it the right thing??? I'm not happy in my marriage and only see the ex every few years when I go to visit my mum. Am I doing the right thing???:scratchhead:


Wait, is the question "is it truly cheating" or "are you doing the right thing"?

Because if you're having sex with someone other than your partner and they don't know about it, well that's the definition of cheating, but of course you know that so why ask?

Is it "right" to be cowardly and deceptive just because you aren't happy with your current relationship? Is it "right" to go boink someone else's guy because he's ok with it?"

Depends on your definition of "right". It's really a question of morals and ethics, and you appear to be lacking in those areas.

Do whatever you want. The only person you need to answer to is yourself.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mycah said:


> My husband is an alcoholic who I haven't left for financial reasons.we have two children who are going thru uni so they still need to be supported. I live in Australia but am from the UK. A few years when I went back I got in touch with my ex boyfriend who I haven't seen for 24years. We ended up staying over night in a hotel and since then have been in touch by email. I'm going back to visit my mum and I'm planning to stay a few days with my ex. He's also married but not happy and staying for the sake for kids.
> 
> Is it the right thing??? I'm not happy in my marriage and only see the ex every few years when I go to visit my mum. Am I doing the right thing???:scratchhead:


No, and you know it's wrong. Why bother posting here? Are you just looking for other people's words to justify your actions? 

Your alcoholic husband probably dislikes some thing about you too. Would it be ok for him to do something similar to you?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Lots of men would love free bootay from a clean woman who leaves him alone for a while after a weekend of steaming love.

Lots of them would even say they are "unhappy" in their marriage to make sure that weekend happens.

I'm sure his wife wouldn't be so casual about what you guys are doing. Nor would his kids.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> IF he really is that much of an alcoholic, I cannot imagine that the financial reasons for staying will persist.
> 
> If you think that your husband will never get off the bottle, then it's time to make your exit strategy. Definitely divorce him before he drinks up the household budget and loses his job.
> 
> Fooling around with someone else is no long term strategy.


And yes it really is cheating. Of course.....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If you do divorce your husband, he would still be responsible for his share of support for the kids through Uni. I live in Australia too.

Are you a SAHM? Do your kids work? If not, why not? Uni is not an excuse not to work, plenty of Uni students do it...

You're not a victim. You have choices. You have a say over your own life.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Mycah said:


> I know all of you are right. I know an affair is an affair. But I feel stuck. The financial burden makes me stay. Yes I know that's not a good enough reason. A part of me wants to believe he will wake up and realise how much he's destroying our lives but I also know he will never change.
> He's been doing this for the last 17years (married for 24) so why should he change when he has a doormat like me to look after the household etc.
> I looked into getting a mortgage on my own etc but then sat back as I don't want to sacrifice the life style I have. Selfish yes but it's the kids making that sacrifice as well.
> It easy to say move on but so hard to do.


Could you separate from him? You and kids one place, him another?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Earlier in your post, you mentioned something to the effect of DH being an alcoholic or "hitting the bottle" 17 of the last 24 years of marriage. So that tells me the first 7 years of marriage he was clean? Shouldn't this bring up a red flag? I do not mean in the most obvious ways, but it would definitly make me think "hmm, the first 7 years of our marriage he was sober, so, what life event(s) made him turn to alcohol?" 

There are 3 sides to every story, for who are we to judge? Especially when your husband is not here to defend/hear his side. This does not mean I validate his behavior and definitly not yours, but, it does make me scratch my head as to why after the first 7 years of marriage, your husband has turned to the bottle :scratchhead: 

And with you not even showing concern as to possibly investigating why, makes me agree even more with what *mablenc* posted earlier.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Mycah said:


> I know all of you are right. I know an affair is an affair. But I feel stuck. The financial burden makes me stay. Yes I know that's not a good enough reason. A part of me wants to believe he will wake up and realise how much he's destroying our lives but I also know he will never change.
> He's been doing this for the last 17years (married for 24) so why should he change when he has a doormat like me to look after the household etc.
> I looked into getting a mortgage on my own etc but *then sat back as I don't want to sacrifice the life style I have. Selfish yes but it's the kids making that sacrifice as well.*
> It easy to say move on but so hard to do.


My mother stayed with my dad for the exact same reason, she at one point tried to use me as her excuse to stay but I refused to play into her dysfunctional behavior. I told her that she stayed because she wanted to stay, that I would have given up everything if it meant she would have been healthy & happy divorced. She finally left...after he got another woman pregnant & the embarrassment was too much to take. 

She wasted years of her life on a man who would never change, who cheated on her from before they married up until the day they divorced, all because she wouldn't give up her comfortable life. Fast forward to now, guess who is now almost financially insolvent & has no retirement because she let him spend all of their money on a business that was dying but no one bothered to put it out of its misery? And to top it all of, since I'm an only child, I'm going to end up being the only one to financially assist my mom because of the poor choices she made. 

To say the choices she made suck is an understatement.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Not only cake-eating, but proof that the ancient saying, "Two wrongs don't make a right" applies.

I'm married to a hardcore alcoholic and I never cheated on him. Does that make me a saint? NO. I own when I reacted poorly to his addiction by trying to control him. I had no right whatsoever to tell him not to drink. HIS life. HIS choices. My choice? I left.

But cheating is not justified. A good lifestyle that OP'er doesn't want to relinquish? MEH. I doubt OP'er will be back, which is fine by me. People like this cake-eater sicken me.


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## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Your excuses are full of ****. You're okay with your ex cheating on his wife so don't bother trying to make it sound like alcoholism is the reason you're cheating. You are just a person who wants to cheat and don't care if it ****s up other people's lives.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, those kids are going to have a great life... parents staying in an unhappy marriage for financial reasons, where one person is an alcoholic and the other will not honour their marriage vows (or anyone else's for that matter).

Will it make you happy when they grow up to be just like you?


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

STORMCHASER said:


> Earlier in your post, you mentioned something to the effect of DH being an alcoholic or "hitting the bottle" 17 of the last 24 years of marriage. So that tells me the first 7 years of marriage he was clean? Shouldn't this bring up a red flag? I do not mean in the most obvious ways, but it would definitly make me think "hmm, the first 7 years of our marriage he was sober, so, what life event(s) made him turn to alcohol?"
> 
> There are 3 sides to every story, for who are we to judge? Especially when your husband is not here to defend/hear his side. This does not mean I validate his behavior and definitly not yours, but, it does make me scratch my head as to why after the first 7 years of marriage, your husband has turned to the bottle :scratchhead:
> 
> And with you not even showing concern as to possibly investigating why, makes me agree even more with what *mablenc* posted earlier.


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## Mycah (May 31, 2013)

The marriage was always based on drinking, it's just that I didn't acknowledge it until 7yrs into the marriage and kept hoping things would change. After he loved me, didn't he. I grew to accept that I always had a third person in the marriage, ie the bottle. I knew he drank heavily but as most people do, I thought I could beat it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Mycah said:


> No he's oblivious to everything except the bottle. I've tried to talk about how unhappy I am with his drinking but he doesn't care.


Talking is not taking action or forcing the issue. So you have done nothing.

There never is justification for you to have an affair. You must go NC with your OM, expose the affair to the OMW, tell your BH about the affair and that he has to go to AA.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It's cheating if even one of you thinks it's cheating. And your spouse doesn't even know about all this, right?


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