# 3 years from Dday and cant get my mojo back



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

FWH and I have been in R since I learned 3 years ago tomorrow that he had a LTA and then learned 1.5 years into R that he had a previous LTA 23 years ago.

We both had a little MC, I continued with IC for over a year, have read every website, book, I can get my hands on to learn to let it go, forgive and move on. I have tried everything but hypnosis(which I seriously consider, how stupid is that!) but on bad days remain stuck with obsessive thoughts, triggers, speculation on whether I made the right decision to R, jealousy, suspicion, etc. On good days, I can find happiness and contentment, but its always overshadowed by the knowledge of what he did for so long. Just cant seem to forgive him for the length of As and that he brought AP#2 into our home and bed. I have completely analyzed my contribution to the dysfunctional marriage that led to his As and take 50% responsibility. 

Unfortunately my H has not been the perfect FWS in that he TT, rugswept, and just prefers not to talk about it but will grudgingly discuss if I press. He refused to read anything about infidelity and does not admit or share that he has fully examined his motives, issues that caused the 2 As. But to be fair, he has expressed remorse, shame, love for me, wanting to make amends, knows how deeply he hurt me. He claims he never thinks about the APs, fully satisfied with me sexually, etc. 

So WTF is wrong with me? I have got to find a way to get over this and move on. Can anyone who has weathered R this long give some advice as to what more I can do? All I can think of is more IC or MC but dread the rehashing of details that would be necessary to bring new Cs up to speed. What is the magic formula to enable me to forgive, love fully and trust again?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

allwillbewell said:


> So WTF is wrong with me? I have got to find a way to get over this and move on. Can anyone who has weathered R this long give some advice as to what more I can do? All I can think of is more IC or MC but dread the rehashing of details that would be necessary to bring new Cs up to speed. What is the magic formula to enable me to forgive, love fully and trust again?


Your H is the problem here. He is successfully rugsweeping and thinks there is no penalty for that.

If you have a failing it is not insisting on answers successfully.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think it's a combination of a couple of things.

We're over 4 years out, and really it's only been the last year or so that I feel more comfortable. It really does take 2-5 years to overcome being cheated on to a point where it isn't a daily downer.

Also, your husbands attitude isn't helping. Honestly, if my husband had an attitude like that, we wouldn't be together.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He's a remorseless cheating dirtbag and you don't trust him anymore. What's to wonder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nothing is wrong with you at all.

You were lied to, cheated, betrayed...and the one person who can help fix it has NO INTEREST in making things better.

He's the problem. Not you. I'm sure with someone else, you'd be a different person. Not saying to divorce, but to make you see that HE is the one causing the issues...not you.

He has no remorse. He doesn't care if you trust him or not. 

How can you LOVE someone you don't trust.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How is your relationship with your H these days, outside of the fallout from the affairs? Is there a relationship outside the fallout from the affairs?

Are you spending quality time together where you are reconnecting as a couple? Are you getting to know each other again as people (not as the guy who screwed you over, or the wife who's been hurt deeply), but as interesting people that could fall in love again?

Where are your intimate conversations focused? On the past, or on your future together and the things you'd like to do together? Do you talk as friends or as adversaries? Do you act as a team or as individuals? 

Does he treat you like you're the most important person in his world? Do you make plans together for the future? Do you value each other's opinions and thoughts? Do you have dreams that you share and talk about how to achieve them?

What I'm getting at, is at some point, new and positive and loving experiences together can help the bad sh*t fade away. If you haven't yet gotten to the point where you are reconnecting as a couple, that's what you need to work on. The focus needs to be on what's next for you as a couple, rather than on the storms behind you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If your husband continued to TT and rugswept this, then I would suggest that this is the reason you are more or less stuck.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But he won't even talk about the affairs.

Hard to get intimate (emotionally or otherwise) with someone who acts like nothing happened.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

that_girl said:


> But he won't even talk about the affairs.
> 
> Hard to get intimate (emotionally or otherwise) with someone who acts like nothing happened.


Then it's not behind them despite the 3 years - it's still a presence day-to-day. Can't get far if they haven't come to terms with it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like your hb got off consequence free. You even take half responsibility for his affaIrs and his bringing his sk$nk into your bed, which you still sleep in and have sex with him in. What has he suffered? He feels bad? Well boo hoo for him.

You're his doormat.
No wonder you can't move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh yeah, the bed. If he had sex in it, he buys another one. New pillows, sheets, comforter, the works. Of YOUR choice. Period, end of discussion. If he refuses, you put him and his precious bed out on the sidewalk.

I am not saying this jokingly. I am dead serious. My husband got a blow job on his black leather couch. When I found out, he and it had been allowed to move back home. The second I found out I told him the couch had to go. He didn't utter a peep - he advertised it that very minute and got rid of it the very next day. If he hadn't done so, and done it without uttering a single shred of defiance, he'd have been GONE.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Oh yeah, the bed. If he had sex in it, he buys another one. New pillows, sheets, comforter, the works. *Of YOUR choice*. Period, end of discussion. If he refuses, you put him and his precious bed out on the sidewalk.


I recommend a Duxiana. Cal-King.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

H had a bed he bought when he moved out.

It was not allowed into our home. Eff that. I never ever sat on it, but it was not allowed. 

God knows.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> FWH and I have been in R since I learned 3 years ago tomorrow that he had a LTA and then learned 1.5 years into R that he had a previous LTA 23 years ago.
> 
> We both had a little MC, I continued with IC for over a year, have read every website, book, I can get my hands on to learn to let it go, forgive and move on. I have tried everything but hypnosis(which I seriously consider, how stupid is that!) but on bad days remain stuck with obsessive thoughts, triggers, speculation on whether I made the right decision to R, jealousy, suspicion, etc. On good days, I can find happiness and contentment, but its always overshadowed by the knowledge of what he did for so long. Just cant seem to forgive him for the length of As and that he brought AP#2 into our home and bed. I have completely analyzed my contribution to the dysfunctional marriage that led to his As and take 50% responsibility.
> 
> ...


I'm more than 12 years past and I'm not nearly the same person I used to be- anger, moodiness, depression, lack of trust in anyone... it all comes with the territory of being betrayed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> H had a bed he bought when he moved out.
> 
> It was not allowed into our home. Eff that. I never ever sat on it, but it was not allowed.
> 
> God knows.


You can set a glass of wine on one end of your Dux bed, have monkey sex with your lover on the other end of the bed, and the wineglass wont tip over or splash! :circle:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> You can set a glass of wine on one end of your Dux bed, have monkey sex with your lover on the other end of the bed, and the wineglass wont tip over or splash! :circle:




HA! Challenge accepted!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> FWH and I have been in R since I learned 3 years ago tomorrow that he had a LTA and then learned 1.5 years into R that he had a previous LTA 23 years ago.
> 
> We both had a little MC, I continued with IC for over a year, have read every website, book, I can get my hands on to learn to let it go, forgive and move on. I have tried everything but hypnosis(which I seriously consider, how stupid is that!) but on bad days remain stuck with obsessive thoughts, triggers, speculation on whether I made the right decision to R, jealousy, suspicion, etc. On good days, I can find happiness and contentment, but its always overshadowed by the knowledge of what he did for so long. Just cant seem to forgive him for the length of As and that he brought AP#2 into our home and bed. I have completely analyzed my contribution to the dysfunctional marriage that led to his As and take 50% responsibility.
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with you!:smthumbup:

Hypnosis can help, so it's not stupid. CBT therapy may also be an option.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hynosis for her? For what?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Hynosis for her? For what?


hypnotherapy. Helps people get through bad stuff.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

For the most part: ouch ouch and ouch!
Nora jane thank you for constructive advice.
H does feel remorse and shame but feels that he has answered all the questions over and over...guess I keep hoping for different answers.
He feels there is no good in rehashing things and that I bring things up to punish him. Maybe some truth in that.

I do not blame myself for his As..I blame myself for half the dysfunction of our marriage which existed before he cheated..he totally owns the poor decisions that led to cheating.

The marital bed and every other piece of furniture they used were given away to Goodwill. New ones bought.

He TT until I was told by the OW about the first affair. He answers all questions but doesnt like it.

He realizes how deeply he hurt me and takes responsibility..he just cant talk about it as much as I need...he has lost his honor and integrity and discussing the As reminds him ..so there are consequences for him too but you are right in that I carry the lions share of pain...

So now that you have blasted him properly, what do you suggest I do to convince him to carry more of the load?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> hypnotherapy. Helps people get through bad stuff.


I know that...I meant, why would she need it? To not want her husband to talk to her? To not feel slighted and betrayed?


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Matt Matt tell me more about hypnotherapy and what is CBT?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, how can things get better unless he faces things head on and lets you talk about it and work through it?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He can't talk about it?

If he is still married to his shame that means he will continue to lie and hide. He is still probably lying.

Have him take a polygraph for one thing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

allwillbewell said:


> For the most part: ouch ouch and ouch!
> Nora jane thank you for constructive advice.
> H does feel remorse and shame but feels that he has answered all the questions over and over...guess I keep hoping for different answers.
> He feels there is no good in rehashing things and that I bring things up to punish him. Maybe some truth in that.
> ...


He can't talk about it because he feels guilty, and guilt is different from remorse. Someone who is remorseful is more concerned with the other person's feelings.



allwillbewell said:


> So now that you have blasted him properly, what do you suggest I do to convince him to carry more of the load?


If he was truly remorseful, you should not have to convince him. He should be moving heaven and earth to help you heal. Its called doing the heavy lifting. He should be talking it over with you over and over until YOU feel safe and secure. Just about every successful R here has involved the WS doing the heavy lifting because they feel true remorse, which means they are concerned for the BSs feelings....NOT THEIRS!

This is why you haven't even begun to heal after 3 years, because he's not helping you at all. He's trying to sweep this under the rug out of guilt, not remorse.

I would say that you're in false R.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The difference between guilt and remorse is exactly the problem.

Inside you know there is something missing despite your trying very hard to give him credit for the displays he has made. You feel the gap, the discrepancy. 

In my opinion people who are like him haven't really learned and are still at risk for cheating. Why? They are still focused on themselves. They are selfish and defensive.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Even if you think he feels true remorse, remorse alone isn't enough. He needs to change the way he lives his life so that there is no potential for him ever again having a secret second life in affairland. That means that he needs to be 100% transparent with you. It also means the two of you need to carefully examine the conditions that allowed his affairs to be conducted. Not so much "why" he had affairs, but what about his mindset allowed him to justify them, and what about his lifestyle allowed him to get away with them from a logistical standpoint. Then, he needs to eliminate all of those conditions from his/your lives. If he still thinks about himself, you and your relationship in the same way, and still lives his life pretty much like he did before and during his affairs, then you have no reason to even suspect that he couldn't or wouldn't be able to do that to you again. 

So, what practical, actionable, steps has he taken to make himself and the way he goes about daily living "safe" for you?


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Thanks for the replies except for those calling ME names: nothing like kicking a person when they are down!

First off, I thought of hypnotherapy to quiet the triggers, mind movies, emails and journals I read...I think of all that stuff way too much, cant seem to move beyond it no matter what I try...don't know if it would work for that...

Rowen and Nora Jane, your posts were very helpful...He has explained to some degree WHY (what was wrong with marriage, me)he thinks he had affairs but he has never explained how he justified the absolute wrong he knew he was committing: how that jived with his moral character, his honor, his integrity, etc. And he has absolutely no explanation other than a mutually beneficial arrangement between his APs and he to explain the length of As. 

Personally, I think that goes to show what kind of lalaland betrayers live in, thinking only of themselves, not the damage done to marriage, their spouse/kids, their own character over time even if it was unknown to the spouse. I suppose they think if they show up to do their duty to spouse/family, everything is fine...

The lifestyle which afforded him the freedom to cheat was given to him by ME! Since I trusted him unconditionally and we had over the 32 years of our marriage, always allowed each other to participate in separate activities, interests, even vacations, he had plenty of time and opportunity to cheat and I was none the wiser...a real dumb bunny.

Since DDay #2 when I learned of the first affair, he has been completely transparent, checks in, given me passwords to phone and email, went NC with AP#2 and even threatened cease and desist orders when she kept intruding, trying to contact him. False R up until then, I admit.

We have had some remarkably positive times together since R began: vacations, activities, new hobbies, intimate conversations, sex, etc that show we CAN enjoy each other and look to the future. Its just when I trigger or get overwhelmed by the waste of our past lives, when he withdraws for whatever reason which has always been a characteristic of his, and I want to talk it out, we have problems. He also seems incapable of offering spontaneous reassurance, remorse, or any form of ego boosting for me without being prompted.

Had a talk this morning, we are starting up with MC again...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> Unfortunately my H has not been the perfect FWS in that *he TT, rugswept, and just prefers not to talk about it but will grudgingly discuss if I press. He refused to read anything about infidelity and does not admit or share that he has fully examined his motives, issues that caused the 2 As.* But to be fair, he has expressed remorse, shame, love for me, wanting to make amends, knows how deeply he hurt me. He claims he never thinks about the APs, fully satisfied with me sexually, etc.


He may be *expressing* remorse, but the bolded part of your OP indicates that he really isn't *feeling* remorse. If you could read his thoughts you'd hear "Get over it already!"

This is why you are not able to get past it yet. There is nothing wrong with you--you are not being given what you need.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Thing I'm getting is that you give him credit for finally fessing up... But Jesus, DD#2... #2... NOT NUMBER ONE.

so you trigger and it is your fault or your problem????


Not.

The fallout of his cheating and lying and cheating and lying don't disappear simply because he realists he can't fool you any longer.

He wrecked this in an instant and then chose to do it again and again until he was caught again.

He did that.

His choice.

Himself and her over you.

He hasn't done nearly enough to help you heal.

Send him here if he thinks he has.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

allwillbewell said:


> Thanks for the replies except for those calling ME names: nothing like kicking a person when they are down!


Now hold on. Not a single person here in this thread has called YOU names or is kicking you when you are down. Just about every single one of us have been where you are.


See, this is why I hardly ever post in BW threads or in SI anymore. BWs are too sensitive.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

DOORMAT? You wouldn't call that name calling? And of course BSs are sensitive, most of us are dealing with a pretty serious trauma...
Posters need to take into consideration all the other unknowns that affect a relationship, reconciliation and personal interactions between WS and their BS...before judging the opening poster.
A lot of the problems my FWH and I have are due to the fact that I haven't been a doormat in my estimation...I have consistently stood up for myself in the best way I was/am able, and that is what disturbs my FWH. At best, if one were to read ALL my posts, you could say that I gave my husband too much leeway, didn't draw the line early enough and didn't follow through on the consequences; gave him too many chances during reconciliation because of my commitment to that reconciliation. If that makes me a doormat, wipe away...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, that was me. Seriously, I only meant to help but if it upset you that much I apologize. It wasn't meant to upset you, you're the one still struggling after the years and have asked why. With that I will bow out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If you do find the secret to getting thru the grief, please share your secrets.

You can't make the marriage work by yourself. Your H has to be remorseful, transparent and willing to carry the blame for the bomb that he threw on your marriage.

I have found that if he will go to a good marriage counselor, that may help. Hope you find one. I had to work on the anger and the rage. I decided to try to only talk about the affair at certain times. However, triggers happen and that does not always work. I felt such despair and grief. I am not good in getting thru the grieving. Some guys do not like to cry. My self-esteem was shot and I felt second best. So I did not like to cry around others, especially her. Maybe women are different. 

I had to have times for space to be away to cry, mourn whatever. I lost control of anything. I never had control to begin with, but sometimes I like to feel like I had some choice in the matter. 

Being angry made me angry and rage built. So I have to do things to make me feel better about myself. Exercise helps me. Punching a bag helped me. I had too much rage, even road rage. 

Looking at my positives helped my self-esteem. I am not her backup plan. I refuse to be her backup plan. 

I hope you find some ways to cope with the depression and to actually grief you loss, similar to a death of a loved one. (but not the same) Time has made it a little better. 

But the WW has no idea of the grief and the pain. Yes they can feel guilty, but you will not get comforting answers to the questions of why, did they ever think of you, how the hell could you do this to someone you said that you loved. 

I do wish you well and getting past some of the pain. If your H does not help, and carry the lion's share of the work, the remorse, the R will not work.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Doormat isn't name calling. It is describing a behavior...


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

OK, I'll admit I was oversensitive to the doormat reference. Oversensitivity has always been a fault of mine...childhood baggage, I imagine. I regret the conclusion that anyone may come to that certain BSs are overly sensitive to what the poster perceives as constructive criticism... but how the criticism/advice is worded is very important especially in these anonymous forums...

Almost immediately after DDay, WH and I decided to work on R and decided to not to disclose his infidelities to a soul, except counselors. The isolation and stress from pretending marital happiness to the outside world drove me to the internet to find some relief...

I joined TAM to get advice from others who had gone through the same experience, not feel so alone in my pain, hopefully get some support and even as a place to rage and vent. I felt that talking to anybody else who had not experienced what I had AND still opted for R in spite of the LT infidelities would not have a clue as to how I felt. To a point, TAM has fulfilled my expectations.

From reading countless threads here I have learned that many posters have succeeded in moving on without bitterness, but that many others are extremely bitter. It is difficult as an "overly sensitive" BS to read those posts and maintain some optimism for successful R with a "POS scumbag WS" or any of the countless other epithets that WSs are labeled with here. This is exactly the reason we are warned by the experts to be very careful who we disclose to in the real world and one reason I never did. I shouldn't expect TAM to be any different, even more so because of the anonymous nature of the internet. Lesson: if you post, grow a tough skin around your heart! Lol 

*But the gems of caring, empathy, support and kind advice that do lie buried among all the wordage on TAM has been worth the effort and I thank those posters for that. You know who you are.* 

I think many long-time posters realize that there is an addictive quality to TAM. Whether its due to the negative qualities found in everyone: fascination in the wreckage of other people's marriages, a misery-loves-company need, morbid curiosity, sexual titillation or the positive qualities that draw us here: empathy, desiring to receive and give support to others in pain, open-mindedness, education...many posters, including myself, feel drawn to TAM in some way hoping that we will gain something positive to take to our troubled marriages. 

Unfortunately, sometimes we find that lurking here is detrimental or inhibiting to our moving on past bitterness, anger and resentment; feeding the very things we wish to escape and hurting our commitment to LTR. 

I guess what I learned from opening this thread was that until I grow a tougher skin, I need to be very careful about the questions I ask...I might not like the answers I get! And that I think is a good thing at least for me...

With a smile, I ask: did I just jack my own thread?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

By not disclosing you cut yourself off from real people. And you removed one of the consequences of cheating.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

norajane said:


> How is your relationship with your H these days, outside of the fallout from the affairs? Is there a relationship outside the fallout from the affairs?
> 
> Are you spending quality time together where you are reconnecting as a couple? Are you getting to know each other again as people (not as the guy who screwed you over, or the wife who's been hurt deeply), but as interesting people that could fall in love again?
> 
> ...


Wise words! This is a very good example of moving on, putting it behind one and going forward. 

:iagree:

- sammy


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