# Does the trust ever come back?



## kathyv (Apr 13, 2010)

Hi Im new here... I have been married for 20 years in august we have 4 children..

In 2008 he was having an emotional affair with a neighbor..(she moved) I filed for divorce.he filed for divorce..$6000 later we decided to work on the marriage..I then found out while we were separated for only a month he started messing around with his 21 yr old secretary..(hes 40) Well as they say the truth will set you free... The truth came out and I think I handled it very good..I got her fired..LOL.. But now...2 years later... the resentment grows daily..My self respect is gone due to the fact I forgave not once but twice.. (or so I though I forgave) I really cant say a whole lot about the secretary we were separated and filing for divorce..but really a month really...I dont believe he is talking to any of the 2 women anymore..that was a promise made when I withdrew the divorce..and I know the 21yr old is in rehab for alcoholics (talked to her mother) But I see the fricken neighbor all the time in restaurants and shopping...And all those feelings return.. Im not sure If I can get passed the resentment...Sometimes he makes me sick to my stomach...

Does the trust ever come back? Does the anger ever go away? its been 2 years...and I am just as angry..


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## helpintampa (Apr 13, 2010)

It can go away if you really forgive him. But you need to forgive him first. Do you want to forgive him? Have you tried counseling? If not that may help you.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

I know many may disagree. But here it goes. First... As it sounds it is not your husband doing anything to bring up these trust issues. It is your own selfishness. I know, you disagree. However, that is what it is. 

Now, how do you get around that. You will never get over anything until you forgive. But you have to get over selfishness in order to forgive. And that in itself is a process. Selfishness is something that was ingrained in everyone from birth... 
It is amazing because it is a trait we hate in one another but justify it in ourselves. Now, he is as well selfish, but it takes one of you to fix both. Every sinful act can be traced back to selfishness. Even separated you were still married. So there is no excuse for what he did, and you cannot accept that. 

Now, why do you have such low standards for yourself but such high expectations of him? Pretty shocking huh!

I was going to PM you about how to fix it, but messeging is turned off. 

There is a great book that can help you better understand all of those things. It is called the Love Dare. You should get it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I was with my ex for 20 years (12 married)...we separated after 1 year of marriage and within 1 month he was living with his secretary. We got back together and separated again years later and he was engaged before we divorced and re-married 2 months after we divorced. I chalk it up to him not wanting to be alone rather than think too much into it.

My current husband had an EA 3 years ago and it took about 2 years for me to stop thinking about it. At some point after it happened (initially I was a complete mess!) I started to think, hey I'm a great catch...and yes, marriage is work and admittedly I had not been working hard enough on that front so my focused changed...we started planning date nights and doing fun things together rather than off doing our own chores on nights/weekends...we talked more, became closer friends, lovers and spent a lot more time laughing together....we both look forward to being home and with each other now....when we are connected the feelings of not trusting and being insecure really diminished!


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