# Not sure what to do with this info...



## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

Maybe I am being paranoid, but I found a few things that have made me question my husband's actions. 

From 2016-2018, he was working on a construction project 3 hours away in his hometown. To prevent a long commute, he stayed in his childhood home that his parents only used on the weekends. He would visit the kids and I about every 2 weeks for 4 days, then drive back. (He wanted us to move there with him, but the kids would have had to switch schools and the house is very tiny.)

We were staying at that house last weekend, and I found a Victoria's Secret receipt dated Valentine's Day 2017. I looked on the calendar, and he would have been there at that time. He never gave me the items on the receipt, and I don't even wear v-string underwear. Unfortunately, it was paid for with cash so I can't prove it's his receipt. 

Besides his aging parents, he is the only one who stayed there around that time. I doubt my mother-law wears v-strings, but who knows? 

Also, he still keeps some toiletries in their bathroom, because he visits them a couple weekends a month to help with bills, cleaning, etc. In with his items in the medicine cabinet, there was a bottle of Bath and Body Works "Moonlight Path" lotion. I looked it up, and it is definitely a floral scent. Not very manly. 

The only other items in that area were all his, but again it could be my mother-in-law's lotion. I can let the lotion slide (haha), but the receipt is very suspicious. 

Any thoughts on whether I should confront him? He also used to withdraw a few hundred dollars a month from the ATM. (Every month for awhile.) I asked and he said it was to buy lunch for the workers he supervised. Expensive lunch...

Sorry so long. To be honest, this is one of the reasons I joined this forum.
Thanks for your input!!


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Does he have a brother or any guy friends that visit that house? Could be anyone's receipt. Could be mom's lotion. I guess the cash withdrawals would probably bug me the most, if you saw it as excessive. Any other weirdness?

Around here, they always say wait to confront. Learn more first. Otherwise, he'll just deny and learn to hide things better.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Wonderful way to end pollen season - finding V-string underwear receipt.

Keep mouth shut on suspicions. Go to you GYN and get tested for everything STD wise. And repeat 6 months later.

I suspect a 'girlfriend' of some sort - with "benefits." Your problem is messy -

First is how will you react and what will you do if - an either/or

Either you find evidence/proof of a sexcapade/or ? and I would lean towards the friend to be female as not many men wear G-string underwear. (cramps your nuts)

Or, he is using hookers and has a fondness for one in particular.

Either his activities (sexual?) are just general male horneyness
Or there is a budding or already emotional tie to ???

OK, now that you have thought about "after finding out for sure" what you may do, how to find out?

Can you go to the house (as a ruse) and do a complete house cleaning? Maybe find some hair not yours?
How about linens on bed? Anything to see? (how is your eyesight and sense of smell?)
Kitchen and bathroom - evidence of "more than one person using stuff - " Maybe a smear of lipstick on a glass rim from less-than-perfect dishwashing. 

What kind(s) of food and drink (and look at the trash too) in the cupboards and fridge?

Ya, playing Sherlock Holmes is a PITA for sure.

Check credit card bills and banking. Check phone usage/numbers called. He has a Cell phone - see if there are "cheater apps" installed. 

Are you acquainted with any neighbors that can see or watch the house? Maybe a casual conversation with intent
to see if neighbors mention "visitors?" Other vehicles?

His vehicle - do the hair/trash/or ? check there. 

Now consider "spy" hardware. You can look on Internet for "spy" devices. There are cameras (innocuous looking) that you could get and put in the house. Voice recorders that work for days or longer (Voice/sound operated) and locate where you think would be best to capture conversations. Look at the utility bill(s) - (City water?) electric power/ telephone (landline?) Also put a voice recorder in the car/truck. The difficulty is placing retrieving the things.
Put a GPS tracker on his vehicle? Is location services turned on his cell phone? Android - get his Google login and you can see where the phone when! I-Phone - I'm sure there is similar function. (Find my phone?)
Ruse: Ask if he would be interested in setting your phones with a location app like "Life360." His reaction can be an indicator. 

Are you friends/acquaintence with any of the co-workers? Sometimes one can get an inclination of some co-worker being aware of someones "indiscretions" and the conversation will be guarded as co-worked doesn't want to "squeal" on their boss/co-worker but not kosher with the behaviors. Others - jeesh - they will be "You Dog You! Wish I could get some of that . . . " 

Maybe even pay a visit to police at station and ask about nefarious activities of the "ladies of the night" kind and who/where/when the police are aware of activities? 

Somewhere here on TAM is a post called "Standard Evidence" and has a lot of stuff (like the above) and you should read through that post. 

Remember to be ready for what you find out. Have a plan (plans) of action for what you will do.

Victory Secret purchase with cash? - that is more than "just a whiff of smoke" - 

Sorry to see you here with this Quandary


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> Does he have a brother or any guy friends that visit that house? Could be anyone's receipt. Could be mom's lotion. I guess the cash withdrawals would probably bug me the most, if you saw it as excessive. Any other weirdness?
> 
> Around here, they always say wait to confront. Learn more first. Otherwise, he'll just deny and learn to hide things better.


He does have a brother who is truck driver and stays at the house sometimes. I thought of that, but his long-time girlfriend would have been about 7 months pregnant around that date. I guess it could have been for after the baby was born...
Thanks for your input! I will definitely wait and maybe ask her or my husband's sister if they know of the receipt. His sister does shop at that particular Victoria's Secret, but she does not stay in that house.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> Wonderful way to end pollen season - finding V-string underwear receipt.
> 
> Keep mouth shut on suspicions. Go to you GYN and get tested for everything STD wise. And repeat 6 months later.
> 
> ...


He keeps his phone locked, but I recently signed up for the Safe Family app to keep track of our 13 yr. old's phone. My husband's phone is also on there, and I can see his location and what numbers he calls and texts. No names, though. 
Thank you! That is very helpful, and I will look for that evidence post.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I tend to be a suspicious person because of an ugly past... so yea this would drive me nuts.

There are usually two camps on these types of conversations.

If you don't trust your husband, leave him.
Dig and find evidence one way or another.

I'm in the second camp. Don't bust up your marriage because you have some fears stirred up.

Does the receipt mean anything? Maybe. Maybe not.

And looking back 5 years any kind of evidence from then would be tough.
Phone bills might be available to look for spikes in calls or texts to certain numbers.

And of course you're looking for those red flags now...that's smart just to alleviate any concerns.

For these trips does he log any miles that you would be able to see?
Or file expense reports?
Did his paycheck change during that time (ie... a week off but you didn't know it)?
The cash he withdrew... did the amount change at all or was it pretty consistently the same?
In my world cash purchases for expensing team meals is highly suspicious as well. Always use credit cards for traceability & accountability.
But his company could manage this differently, idk.

Good luck OP. I hope you get to the bottom of it and find out it's nothing.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Unfortunately way more often than not when someone has a gut feeling strong enough to post about it here the gut feeling is right. I hope not in your case. Definitely don't confront him. Even with irrefutable proof a cheater will continue to deny. They could be caught red handed on camera and still say they didn't do it. You are right to be a little suspicious, but it doesn't add up to much yet. Just keep your eyes open.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

CreativeMom022 said:


> He keeps his phone locked


That's a red flag. What if you asked to use his phone?


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I tend to be a suspicious person because of an ugly past... so yea this would drive me nuts.
> 
> There are usually two camps on these types of conversations.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I am going to just keep my eyes open for awhile. My sister is currently going through her second divorce, and I really don't think I could handle all that...unless absolutely necessary.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

theloveofmylife said:


> That's a red flag. What if you asked to use his phone?


He would not be happy, I'm sure. Would probably ask why, and get defensive. I've seen him turn off his screen when I walk by or sit next to him several times before. Red flag, or coincidence? He also exercises in the garage daily right after work, and sometimes sits in there using his phone for awhile. 🤔 It could be totally innocent...he tells me about things reads on FB or funny videos sometimes.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

STANDARD EVIDENCE POST URL:









Standard Evidence Post


VARs and Evidence Gathering The usual disclaimer of reverse the sexes if necessary, we get mostly betrayed husbands here.  Do your legal research etc. Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com






was easy - put in google the words and TAM and bingo!


Sorry you have to deal with this. I think it is a good thing he is willing to use the location app. 
Phone locked is a good thing. You not KNOWING how to unlock is a BAD thing.

(wife & I have same phone unlock pin)


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CreativeMom022 said:


> Thank you! I am going to just keep my eyes open for awhile. My sister is currently going through her second divorce, and I really don't think I could handle all that...unless absolutely necessary.


Eyes open is probably the best approach since this incident was so long ago.

_However_, your description of his phone behavior…hmmm… that sounds like red flag level activity to me.

If he seriously would freak out if you demanded to see his phone? And hides what he’s doing from your eyes? Yea…that doesn’t sound good to me.

Eyes open OP.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think for mother day you should by MIL the same lotion and tell her you know she likes it so you got her some.

See what she says.

But yes the phone behavior is suspicious. The BIL maybe cheating as well. Truckers are notorious for cheating.

How about a VAR. you stick it in the car under the seat. By the time he came back home the battery would probably be dead but you replace it and see what's on it.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think for mother day you should by MIL the same lotion and tell her you know she likes it so you got her some.
> 
> See what she says.


Good one.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think for mother day you should by MIL the same lotion and tell her you know she likes it so you got her some.
> 
> See what she says.
> 
> ...


I like both of those ideas! (Other female relatives stay at the house for holidays, too. It was just so odd to be right next to his stuff. Everything else was separated.) 
I have heard about truckers cheating, and that makes a lot of sense since they aren't even officially married. His brother does go out with friends and drink a lot while staying there, also.
The receipt was with another receipt that had to be my husband's because it was from the mall where we were both living...for men's shoes. Odd that those receipts would be together, if not both his. 
VAR is a great idea, too. It would even catch phone conversations.
Thanks for your help!


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

CreativeMom022 said:


> I like both of those ideas! (Other female relatives stay at the house for holidays, too. It was just so odd to be right next to his stuff. Everything else was separated.)
> I have heard about truckers cheating, and that makes a lot of sense since they aren't even officially married. His brother does go out with friends and drink a lot while staying there, also.
> The receipt was with another receipt that had to be my husband's because it was from the mall where we were both living...for men's shoes. Odd that those receipts would be together, if not both his.
> VAR is a great idea, too. It would even catch phone conversations.
> Thanks for your help!


Actually, forget the VAR...apparently they are illegal! At least in the USA. There was just an article about a singer getting arrested for bugging his girlfriend's room. Not worth it!!


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

https://news.yahoo.com/american-idol-winner-laine-hardy-110231567.html



"American Idol" winner Laine Hardy was arrested Friday after an ex-girlfriend accused the singer of bugging her dorm room, according to a warrant.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

IDK, I'd look into that some more. People use nanny cams and stuff all the time. Maybe you can't bug property belonging to others, but I would think you could in your own home / vehicle (marital property).

Edited to add: yes, what @Casual Observer said below. It would really damage trust, if he wasn't doing anything wrong.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

CreativeMom022 said:


> https://news.yahoo.com/american-idol-winner-laine-hardy-110231567.html
> 
> 
> 
> "American Idol" winner Laine Hardy was arrested Friday after an ex-girlfriend accused the singer of bugging her dorm room, according to a warrant.


A girlfriend is a very different thing than checking up on a married spouse that may be cheating. The court is going to give you a lot more leeway than a guy who’s creepily stalking a young woman.

You won’t likely be able to use such evidence in court, but that’s not what this is all about. You don’t need a judge and jury and sentencing. You just need your fears to be proven true or false. The biggest risk to you is if he’s not cheating, because that could really damage a relationship, knowing there’s so little trust.

But it sounds like the trust ship already sailed out of port.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

I might be better off hiring a P.I.


Casual Observer said:


> A girlfriend is a very different thing than checking up on a married spouse that may be cheating. The court is going to give you a lot more leeway than a guy who’s creepily stalking a young woman.
> 
> You won’t likely be able to use such evidence in court, but that’s not what this is all about. You don’t need a judge and jury and sentencing. You just need your fears to be proven true or false. The biggest risk to you is if he’s not cheating, because that could really damage a relationship, knowing there’s so little trust.
> 
> But it sounds like the trust ship already sailed out of port.


Yes, I am not as trusting as I used to be...too many red flags.
This is in my state, but maybe every has it's own laws:


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

Follow up: 
I asked my BIL's girlfriend, and she said he was home with her Valentine's Day 2017. The receipt is also not his sister's...I asked her, too.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CreativeMom022 said:


> _*He also used to withdraw a few hundred dollars a month from the ATM. (Every month for awhile.) I asked and he said it was to buy lunch for the workers he supervised. Expensive lunch...*_



I'll assume it's getting harder and harder to delude yourself about what he's been up to while he's away.

Time to stop being naive, OP.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CreativeMom022 said:


> _*He keeps his phone locked...*_


He works in CONSTRUCTION. What possible reason would Mr. Wonderful *have* for needing to keep his phone locked????? Unless he's building an unground bunker for the FBI, there isn't a legitimate reason for a construction guy to "need" to keep his phone locked.

This guy is *SUCH *a snake.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

CreativeMom022 said:


> _*Thank you! I am going to just keep my eyes open for awhile. My sister is currently going through her second divorce, and I really don't think I could handle all that...unless absolutely necessary.*_


Ahh yes, the old _*"I'm going to bury my head in the sand because it feels so nice and warm around my ears."*_

Of course, it's your prerogative to pretend all is well, but if you're smart, you'll schedule the STD test several folks have advised. HPV and other STDs don't bury _their_ heads in the sand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CreativeMom022 said:


> He keeps his phone locked, but I recently signed up for the Safe Family app to keep track of our 13 yr. old's phone. My husband's phone is also on there, and I can see his location and what numbers he calls and texts. No names, though.
> Thank you! That is very helpful, and I will look for that evidence post.


Once you get phone numbers, you can google the numbers. You'd be surprised how much info you can find with a phone number.

One of my sisters had the hunch that her then fiancé was cheating. They were living together. So, she placed a voice activated recorder under their bed. She velcro'd it to the bed frame. It wasn't long before she got a recording of her fiancé and his ex in their bed going at it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CreativeMom022 said:


> Actually, forget the VAR...apparently they are illegal! At least in the USA. There was just an article about a singer getting arrested for bugging his girlfriend's room. Not worth it!!


States have different laws on this. Some state are one-party rule and some are two-party rule.

One party rule means that only one person being recorded needs to agree to the recording. So the person doing the recording can be that person. Two party rule means that everyone being recorded must agree to the recording.

So, yea, it's illegal to record someone if the person recording is not party to the recording. And in some states it's illegal without consent of everyone being recorded.

However, this applies in situation where there is an assumption of privacy. In a bedroom, and ev even in much of a home, there is an assumption of privacy. Out on the street, no assumption of privacy.

If a person does secretly use a VAR, my suggestion is that they use it for collecting info only. They never, ever tell their spouse (or the person they are recording) what they did. The should destroy/erase the recording. But then they have the info they need. Cheaters lie. Sometimes the only way to find out if a spouse is cheating is to snoop. Once the betrayed spouse has the truth, they know that they are being lied to.

The one exception to the recording laws, from what I've read, is that if a person is recorded committing a crime, the are no restrictions of it. I don't think that the OP's spouse is committing a crime, so this caveat does not apply here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CreativeMom022 said:


> https://news.yahoo.com/american-idol-winner-laine-hardy-110231567.html
> 
> 
> "American Idol" winner Laine Hardy was arrested Friday after an ex-girlfriend accused the singer of bugging her dorm room, according to a warrant.





Casual Observer said:


> A girlfriend is a very different thing than checking up on a married spouse that may be cheating. The court is going to give you a lot more leeway than a guy who’s creepily stalking a young woman.


There are married people who are sitting in prison right now for recording and/or videoing their spouse when the action broke the state law. The law applies, married or not.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What ever you do, please do not confront him until you have solid evidence. Confronting him without it will only lead to him denying it and just push things underground. You want him with his guard down, so give him the impression you trust him implicitly while you investigate.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CreativeMom022 said:


> He keeps his phone locked, but I recently signed up for the Safe Family app to keep track of our 13 yr. old's phone. My husband's phone is also on there, and I can see his location and what numbers he calls and texts. No names, though.
> Thank you! That is very helpful, and I will look for that evidence post.


You know, there's a website called spydialer where you can enter a cell and it will give you a name. It's free and I used it with my ex.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There are married people who are sitting in prison right now for recording and/or videoing their spouse when the action broke the state law. The law applies, married or not.


I understand the concern and it’s a very real issue with potentially harsh penalties. Yet this is one of the few times I’ve seen warnings about use of VARs on TAM. Using VARs to confirm suspicion has been a generally common practice. I believe, while it is likely illegal in most instances (when done in a home or car), intent and especially use might matter. If you were to use a VAR and put the recording on Facebook, expect the worst. If you listened to a recording yourself, and didn’t share it with anyone but a wayward spouse, might be different.

The need to know, to possibly even protect yourself, might tip the scale towards the illegal.

Is this a threadjack? Does it deserve its own thread?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Casual Observer said:


> I understand the concern and it’s a very real issue with potentially harsh penalties. Yet this is one of the few times I’ve seen warnings about use of VARs on TAM. Using VARs to confirm suspicion has been a generally common practice. I believe, while it is likely illegal in most instances (when done in a home or car), intent and especially use might matter. If you were to use a VAR and put the recording on Facebook, expect the worst. If you listened to a recording yourself, and didn’t share it with anyone but a wayward spouse, might be different.
> 
> The need to know, to possibly even protect yourself, might tip the scale towards the illegal.
> 
> Is this a threadjack? Does it deserve its own thread?


I think this is ok on this thread. People who use VARs for this purpose need to know the law so they don't end up with legal issues. It's up to the individual if what they choose to do.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> There are married people who are sitting in prison right now for recording and/or videoing their spouse when the action broke the state law. The law applies, married or not.


Sort of related? My abusive ex-husband (at the time, my husband) put a tracker on my computer to keep tabs on me, had all my emails sent to him as well, stuff like that. After he was arrested (for domestic violence), the police took my computer to get evidence of the tracker.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> Sort of related? My abusive ex-husband (at the time, my husband) put a tracker on my computer to keep tabs on me, had all my emails sent to him as well, stuff like that. After he was arrested (for domestic violence), the police took my computer to get evidence of the tracker.


It's very much related. It's good to hear that the police took it seriously.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think for mother day you should by MIL the same lotion and tell her you know she likes it so you got her some.
> 
> See what she says.
> 
> ...


I have a trucker friend. Very loyal to his wife.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I have a trucker friend. Very loyal to his wife.


great. But you know truck stops is rampant with prostitution because truckers are some of their best customers


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> great. But you know truck stops is rampant with prostitution because truckers are some of their best customers


Okay, so some may be customers. Some may not be.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> great. But you know truck stops is rampant with prostitution because truckers are some of their best customers


I guess it all depends on how you define fidelity. "Loyal" in this case could mean that he doesn't leave her for another woman. As we see all the time, the definition of what constitutes cheating tends to be elastic at times.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Are there some red flags, yes. Nothing definite.

I don’t think he would have asked you to move to where he was working if he was having an affair.

$300 a month is not that much if he was buying for his work crew.

Keep your eyes open and mouth shut. Don’t tip him off.

Asking his brother’s GF might get back to your husband.

On another note, did I read it right. You refused to live with you husband for two years because you didn’t want too? The kids school is a bs excuse, kids move schools all the time.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

CreativeMom022 said:


> Maybe I am being paranoid, but I found a few things that have made me question my husband's actions.
> 
> From 2016-2018, he was working on a construction project 3 hours away in his hometown. To prevent a long commute, he stayed in his childhood home that his parents only used on the weekends. He would visit the kids and I about every 2 weeks for 4 days, then drive back. (He wanted us to move there with him, but the kids would have had to switch schools and the house is very tiny.)
> 
> ...


Yes confront, get him home, no jobs away from home. He is cheating on you


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Suggestions like putting cameras in his parents home, putting gps trackers on vehicle, even recording audible without someones consent are so illegal in most states you put yourself at great risk. If you need to do all that is it worth it?


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Are there some red flags, yes. Nothing definite.
> 
> I don’t think he would have asked you to move to where he was working if he was having an affair.
> 
> ...


If anything happened, it was probably After he moved there.

Yes, kids switch schools all of the time...we moved every year for 3 years (for husband's job), and my older child has been to 4 different elementary schools. I couldn't do that to him again, when my husband was only working 2.5 hours away. Wasn't worth it. He came home every other week, so it's not like we never saw each other.

Another reason is the town was very small, and there were literally only 2 places for rent...both too small for us. (I looked for rentals, as I have done all the other times when we moved to different states.) We've always had to rent houses instead of apartments, because he owns a lot of tools and equipment and doesn't want to pay for a storage unit.

It wasn't just $300 per month from the ATM. Sometimes it was more, and sometimes a couple times a month. (I can't access bank records further than 2018, unfortunately.) Between 2018 and 2022, he has withdrawn $21,800 total. These were all between $100-$400 a couple times per month. To me that is excessive. Yes, he is earning all the money, but if it were me spending that much, even with a job, he would ask questions.

But hey, I'm probably just paranoid and even if anything did or is still happening, it is likely my fault. (Sarcasm)


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

CreativeMom022 said:


> If anything happened, it was probably After he moved there.
> 
> Yes, kids switch schools all of the time...we moved every year for 3 years (for husband's job), and my older child has been to 4 different elementary schools. I couldn't do that to him again, when my husband was only working 2.5 hours away. Wasn't worth it. He came home every other week, so it's not like we never saw each other.
> 
> ...


I am sorry you’re feeling the way you are.

The money boils down to $455.00 a month roughly. That isn’t that bad eating out all the time. Unless he uses a debit card for his meals.

Have you found any evidence that he has done anything?


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

That's the problem...he always turns off his phone when I get close. He keeps it locked, and I asked if he would let me see just his Contacts. He said he didn't want to show me his phone because he shares porn with his old coworkers. I'm guessing these are the same coworkers that he hangs out with on his visits back home. 

Would he be looking at porn, sitting on the couch with our kids at home? That's when he shuts off his phone, when I come sit on the couch with him. Either that, or texting someone. I have even thought of putting a small camera somewhere close to wear he usually sits, to see the screen.

He also said that the money was for buying drinks for everyone when they went out. Did he pay every time? That's odd...most friends would take turns paying. I'm guessing it wasn't just for drinks, but no way to prove anything since it's always cash. 

So, no I don't have anything very solid...except that he might have a sex addiction, hence the porn. (Also, he's hinted that we should have daily relations, he lifts weights regularly, and takes testosterone-boosting supplements.) I'm not overweight, but I don't have his energy or libido. We're both early 40's. 

I've been considering marriage counseling since he won't give me straight answers.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Confrontation never gets you much from what I’ve seen. Marriage counseling if he’s cheating is a waste of money. All cheaters lie a lot.
Access to phone bill information will probably give you a good clue. It has text and call data you can download and sort.
A Voice Activated Recorder or GPS on his vehicle may tell your more.
If you have funds a PI could probably help but are expensive.
However, ask yourself this? If he’s cheating will you divorce? If not, catching him isn’t going to solve anything.
You may be under the impression if you catch him he’ll stop and be your faithful husband. Faulty thinking.
You only need enough info for you. It’s not a court of law where you have to have concrete proof.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

Very true, thank you! I have tried Instant Checkmate, but that only raised more questions, because he has a common name. I don't think all the results were his. (Fortunately, there were no dating sites listed, though.) 

Also, I have looked at the phone bill many times, but more dead ends. He makes a ton of phone calls for his job, so it was exhausting looking up each number. He does use What'sApp a lot, but I can't access that without getting into the phone. 

At the very least, I don't want to be given any diseases...Monkey Pox is going around. 
I was never a believer in fairy tales, and didn't even dream of getting married as a child. I wanted to travel! Now I just want the truth...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CreativeMom022 said:


> Very true, thank you! I have tried Instant Checkmate, but that only raised more questions, because he has a common name. I don't think all the results were his. (Fortunately, there were no dating sites listed, though.)
> 
> Also, I have looked at the phone bill many times, but more dead ends. He makes a ton of phone calls for his job, so it was exhausting looking up each number. He does use What'sApp a lot, but I can't access that without getting into the phone.
> 
> ...


You could download the data and sort that might help. If there’s a lot of calls texts to a specific number.
What’s app can be a cheater app because it doesn’t register on the phone bill.
If you got the truth and it’s what it looks like what would you do? Do you have an end game?


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

Thanks for the advice! Great question...I would probably lean towards separation. Need to do more research on that, and also need to get a job. (No responses to any applications, yet.)


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CreativeMom022 said:


> Thanks for the advice! Great question...I would probably lean towards separation. Need to do more research on that, and also need to get a job. (No responses to any applications, yet.)


Separation for what? That’s not going to help your marriage. Doesn’t solve a thing.
From what I’ve seen if this is what it looks like finding the truth gets you what? Is he going to change? Probably not. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon. A lot of times they get smarter, take it deeper underground.
Many get the notion that if they’re caught everything will be alright after. Nope. Not necessarily.
Being a marriage warden is a thankless task. They always find a way.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

CreativeMom022 said:


> Thanks for the advice! Great question...I would probably lean towards separation. Need to do more research on that, and also need to get a job. (No responses to any applications, yet.)


Separation just gives him extra space to continue cheating, if he is cheating. 

Yes, find a job. Be relentless. Not only will it allow you to have your own source of income, it will also give you purpose and more confidence.


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## CreativeMom022 (9 mo ago)

I've just had a light bulb moment! 💡 What if he is just using the money for porn? If so, that would be a huge relief. My question is, how much does it cost? I honestly have no clue, but I saw another post about "cam girls." Maybe he is paying for those? (At least they can't give him any diseases or get pregnant by him.)😐

If that was the case, he would have to have a separate account/credit card to use for it. I can see all the transactions on our accounts. That would also explain him being secretive about his phone.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

How is that any better? Would you masturbate with a naked man in the room with you and think that was okay? But it's okay if a screen is between you? If not then it's not okay for him either. 

Still betrayal in my eyes.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Get a job so you have choices for YOUR future!
Having to rely on any man to provide for you/your kids doesn’t leave you enough options.

Make sure you have a separate bank account. Put your money there. And hire a PI to find out what’s really going on with him.

Separation… if he’s cheating - no. Divorce him. Most women say separation mainly because they need his money to survive - but separation only puts you in long term limbo.

Get a plan. Make some money. Find out what’s real.


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