# When can I be angry?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Alright, I would assume my wife understands there is now a trust issue between us. That a few months ago if she had an early shift and was late coming home I wouldn't have thought much of it. Today, she should've been home about 6 or 6.30. It's 9pm and she's not home.

From today there was a shift in personnel. She could be dealing with that. She had told me in advance that July would be a hard month. However, over-time is not something they are allowed to do on their own. IF she works over-time then she should be home any minute...but I would have expected a text message or phone call...nothing...

So, when she gets home what should I do? Ask her politely why she was late and expect the truth? Be angry and tell her that this is not building trust? I feel angry...


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

You can be angry whenever you feel it - anger is an emotion. Simply feel it, and then get back to normal life. Just remember that it is an emotion - a reaction to something you are thinking. It can help a lot if you accept the emotion, and then look backward to see what sort of dialog was going on in your mind that produced this reaction.

Here's a very effective way to both express your feelings and also seek for a solution that will appeal to both of you. It's called the WTFS method.

Sit down with your wife, make sure she understands this is an important moment (no distractions) and then use the formula:

_*W*hen_ you are gone longer than expected...

I _*F*_eel scared and hurt...

I _*T*think you are seeing another man...

*S*o, I respectfully request that you try very hard to be where you say you are going to be when you say you will be (or call me and let me know) - - - 

etc.

Use your own words, of course. Allow her the freedom to respond, and depending upon her response, you might use the formula to state another solution. Keep it up until you are both happy with the response. If anger gets between the two of you, don't allow it to take over. Instead, tell her you are getting angry and want to take a break to calm down - walk away from the situation.

A 'respectful request' should become the norm in the way you ask her things..._


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Or you can go with your GUT FEELING...on what you think is normal behavior for her..and pretty much your GUT is telling you something isn't right...if you're all for saving your marriage no matter what is going on with her, no matter how you feel, and you are willing to spend the rest of your life working on trying to overcome certain resentments, then listen to 'tan.'..he has good positive advice for people who are willing to work at it, not everyone wishes to go through all the stages to get someone back, some people do not want to work that hard trying to keep their marriage together, you have to honestly ask yourself "Do I want to really want to make it work, put in the effort to make someone change their feelings and mine towards them?", those are real serious questions, and need to be addressed before continuing, how can a person change someone else?, they can't, so you need to see what is comfortable to you first, address your issues first, until you do that, you CANNOT, do the other things 'Tan' suggests.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Now I am going to harp. Your household is an unhealthy environment to keep your marriage together. I am trying to look at it from your wife's perspective.
Mother is in the home and she is a difficult person to live with. Bad vibes to start with. She puts both of you in bad mood. Wife works and comes home. She is trapped. She sees no way out. Who would want to keep living this life? You either find her some relief or she will find it herself. I would blame her but I can understand it. How much is your marriage worth to you? 
If you can't get on her schedule, change your job. Get a baby sitter for mom. Take your wife out. You have heard of date night? Just the two of you once a week. Who would want to sit in that house for two hours every night just talking to you? Can you go down the street to the local cafe or pub and have your glass of wine there? Watch the World Cup with her and some friends? Really get a LIFE!!!
You've read Harley. Remember the example of the woman who goes out to the grocery store to pick up a couple items and doesn't come back for 4 hours? My wife did that! Why should she come home?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

great post 'iamnottheonlyone':iagree::smthumbup:


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

How I reacted: I took my meds a bit early and calmed right down (Not the best way to get control of yourself.) When she got home her mother was asleep. I told her there was a good movie on TV from 11pm (Giving her more than enough time to 'deprogram' from work). Unfortunately, since I took the meds a bit early, I got sleepy way too fast. My wife asked me how my day was and I over-exaggerate a bit to make it sound as though I was sleepy for a good reason. I asked her about her day at work and she says she had to work over-time because of the shift in personnel. Truth or not, I was too tired.

This morning I woke up, tried to cuddle, couldn't because it was too hot. We sat at the table and talked, mostly her complaining about work, now she's getting ready.

A DATE NIGHT would be GREAT!! Having a glass of wine somewhere else would be GREAT!! My wife actually wanting to go...wanting to get someone to take care of her mother...being out and about somewhere when all she wants to do is wash her face and drink HER wine (She's an expert in wine, nothing cheap in our house as far as wine is concerned)...she has no real interest. She wants to come home and be home.

There are definitely times during the week, on her days off, she leaves the house to be alone in town, shopping, doing her nails etc. Getting someone to take care of her mother is something my wife says "I don't want someone to take care of her. It means we have to pay money." She doesn't see the upside to getting out.

I'm trying to create a home she can enjoy coming back to everyday, that would be easier without MIL around. We had 2 months where she lived with another family member (And then that family member said 'I give up' and she came back) and it was bliss for the both of us (That was Oct/Nov 09)

How can I create a better home for her to come home to?

I think the first thing I will do is find a good wine restaurant close to her work and take her there on a day she has an early shift.


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