# Family time with the ex?



## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

I haven't been on TAM for awhile, but am looking for some advice on dealing with the ex after divorce. My XH and I separated in September 2012 and the divorce was final in March of this year. There was a lot of back and forth during the separation period where we entertained reconciliation several times, but ultimately he was unable to be faithful and I grew tired of being plan B.

Although it was a difficult time, I am proud of the fact that we have managed to maintain some level of friendly relationship and throughout the separation had continued spending some family time together with our kids. However, I am dating a new person and really feel it is time to truly cut any remaining ties with my ex that don't relate directly to us co-parenting our 2 kids (D-14, S-9). Additionally, I feel it is confusing my youngest to see us spending time together and making him feel that there is hope for a reconciliation.

Do any of you keep a friendly relationship with your ex and continue to spend some family time together (occasional movie or sports event)? If so, does it make it seem harder for you to move on and heal from the divorce?

Thanks for any input you can provide.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My kids are 13 and 15. Been separated for over three years. I think the only "family times" we've done are birthdays and Christmas, and very occasionally, there will be a school function, or a "special event" that my STBX and I both wanted to do with the kids, so we all go together. 

However... That's going to be complicated now as my relationship with my SO has become public. My STBX isn't ready to meet my SO, and I'm not going to push for that. My SO is fine with meeting my STBX. Not sure how this is going to play out, yet... I'm no longer willing to exclude my SO from "my" life, which means I'll be doing Christmases and kids birthdays with her. And if that means my STBX would rather do separate things with them, that's her choice. 

Not sure if this helps... 

C
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nope.

Most divorced people cannot do family time together. There is too much hurt. Plus, like you said it can be confusing for the children.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you for the replies! I think the situation is already complicated enough without us further confusing the kids. My ex doesn't maintain a suitable home for the kids to visit, so when he sees them he comes to my house and I leave. This is also the pattern for his every other weekend visitation.

This is less than ideal and I'm sure it confuses the kids, but he is currently living in a 1 bedroom tiny apartment and refuses to have the kids there or to spend the money on a more suitable home. He actually could easily afford a house, but I think he enjoys the idea of having a bachelor pad that the kids never see.

As I said, it's pretty complicated and I think having family outings would only make it worse :-(


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

When my parents divorced, they realized pretty quickly that it didn't mean they weren't still going to have to talk every day. My dad had primary custody of two teenage girls and we quickly figured out how to play both ends against each other! They were great about it and to this day have a very cordial relationship. However, the only "family time" events I can recall were graduations, weddings (mine) and funerals. Otherwise the work they did to co-parent us was strictly behind the scenes. It made it much better all around--or at least more defined.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but if you were a guy, we'd be telling you to "man up". Not sure what the female term is. 

Why do you let him take over your place for visitation? Let him figure out somewhere else to go, if he doesn't want to take them to his hole. That's his problem, not yours. 

C
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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Family time, other than very special occasions, can confuse children. 

Didn't you post before about him not having a place to take them? And the advice was not to let him use your place. It's not your problem.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

PBear and OpenMinded,

You're both right and I recognize that. I just try really hard to keep the kids from being sad and that has caused me to bend over backwards to keep him in their lives. I realize that it can't continue...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

punkinhead said:


> PBear and OpenMinded,
> 
> You're both right and I recognize that. I just try really hard to keep the kids from being sad and that has caused me to bend over backwards to keep him in their lives. I realize that it can't continue...


Look. And realize that I'm saying this as a dad dealing with separation. His relationship with his kids is HIS problem, as long as you're not sabatoging it (bad mouthing him, etc). Right now, you're just enabling his crappy behavior. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Right now, he does as he pleases (it's unlikely to stop because this suits him) and that's not fair to you or his children. They need to learn to deal with life as it really is and not a version where he shows up to "parent" in your home and you have to leave.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Punkinhead, when my ex and I first separated he had no suitable residence, and he moved to another state, about seven hours away. I offered for visitation to be in my home. The main reason was so my kid didn't have to spend their weekends in the car. Huge mistake on my part. His presence in the home was unsettling and he never hesitated to show his resentment of the fact that it was no longer his home. He also started fights with the kids. I finally told him no more visits in my home. 

In our case, that ended his visitation. He has never invited them to his place. He told me once there was no space. I mentioned that they were used to sleeping on the floor or couches when they have sleepovers at friends and there was no reason they couldn't do that at his place. He remained silent.

PBear is absolutely correct. His relationship with the children is his responsibility. He will be the kind of father he chooses to be.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Part of his being a father is to supply shelter and nurturing for his children.
You cant FORCE him to be a better father.
Just be the best mom you can be and let the kids decide what they think about him.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

My daughter is 14... When my ex and I first parted, he didn't have a place she could stay overnight either. He was living with his brother. He wanted to visit with her at my place. I nixxed that right from the start, so he'd pick her up and they'd go to dinner or a movie. Within a few months, he got his own place with a bedroom for her so she could go stay with him. But now he went back on the road (truck driver).. Over this past summer, she went with him on the road for about 5 weeks, she just got home a few weeks ago. Now she's back to no regular visits as he's not home. She said he's talking about moving to a state in the south.... if he does, not sure how much she'll see him.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

punkinhead said:


> I haven't been on TAM for awhile, but am looking for some advice on dealing with the ex after divorce. My XH and I separated in September 2012 and the divorce was final in March of this year. There was a lot of back and forth during the separation period where we entertained reconciliation several times, but ultimately he was unable to be faithful and I grew tired of being plan B.
> 
> Although it was a difficult time, I am proud of the fact that we have managed to maintain some level of friendly relationship and throughout the separation had continued spending some family time together with our kids. However, I am dating a new person and really feel it is time to truly cut any remaining ties with my ex that don't relate directly to us co-parenting our 2 kids (D-14, S-9). Additionally, I feel it is confusing my youngest to see us spending time together and making him feel that there is hope for a reconciliation.
> 
> ...


To some degree we do. We host birthday parties together and if we are at one of my daughters events we are capable of sitting together and even making small talk. I have had my x wife and Gf even in the same room for the kids birthday party. I don't ask my x if it's ok that I bring her I just do. She didn't want me so I don't thing she cares anyway. 

So yes we are able to do this much to the confusion of my friends and some of my family who all hate her. I simply tell them that I love my kids more than I despise my x wife. And I will do what she couldn't and put my kids happiness before my own wants and needs. If I had it my way I would never hear from her again.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

punkinhead said:


> Thank you for the replies! I think the situation is already complicated enough without us further confusing the kids. My ex doesn't maintain a suitable home for the kids to visit, so when he sees them he comes to my house and I leave. *This is also the pattern for his every other weekend visitation.*
> 
> This is less than ideal and I'm sure it confuses the kids, but he is currently living in a 1 bedroom tiny apartment and refuses to have the kids there or to spend the money on a more suitable home. He actually could easily afford a house, but I think he enjoys the idea of having a bachelor pad that the kids never see.
> 
> As I said, it's pretty complicated and I think having family outings would only make it worse :-(


Yeah wow. I would never leave my x wife unsupervised in my house. She steals!!!!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> .............
> 
> *Do any of you keep a friendly relationship with your ex and continue to spend some family time together (occasional movie or sports event)? If so, does it make it seem harder for you to move on and heal from the divorce?*
> 
> Thanks for any input you can provide.


I will preface this by saying that I know ex and I are not the norm but our way of doing things works for us and our kids. We are still a family, just a different version of the family we used to be. We had no cheating, drinking, abuse etc. Our marriage came to its natural end, it was sexless, we were incompatible and have both now been freed by divorce.
We love our children and are both very good parents.

The first year was hard, even though I initiated the divorce I hated the sight of him. Got through that though as life is too short, I took responsibility for my part in the marriage ending, realised that the future would be OK and that most importantly I wanted the best for my kids.

I always encouraged ex and my family to keep their connections, he did nothing wrong to them and we are all adults, no side taking especially for the kids sake. My family are not like that anyway, they love him and I would be bitterly disappointed in them if they abandoned him for no good reason. Ex has dinner with my dad on occasion and is always welcome at my families houses.

I have repartnered and my partner and ex get along well. We have had the last 2 Christmases together, my kids, partners kids, ex, my family. 
Some BDs are celebrated with a mix of people, me, ex, my partner, whoever.

Ex and I attend all school and kid related functions together. My partner comes to the odd school function as well.

This has been a gradual process, done with all the right intentions, with mature people involved. It is not for everyone but can work when people are motivated by the right reasons.

We have had our moments with the kids, the youngest in particular went through phases of being confused but we guided her through it all. I always reassured her that we are a family, that her parents love her but we were not getting back together. She adores my partner and all my kids have accepted him into their lives.

Nothing is taken for granted, nobody's needs are ignored and we live a very happy life. It is a balancing act but we seem to get it right. Kids know that their dad and I talk often, we are a united front when it comes to parenting. 

I grew up dreading my parents being in the same building let alone same room. I was adamant that this is not the life I would put my kids through.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you all for your insight. It's been very interesting hearing how each of you have dealt with your own difficult situations.

Holland, if I had my way I'd love to emulate an arrangement like yours and to some degree we have. I am past any feelings of animosity for my ex and we trust each other to do the right things for our children. I guess my only issue is that I think it confuses my son and he still deep in his heart thinks we will get back together. If it weren't for that, the arrangement would be mildly inconvenient (leaving the house when he's there), but it wouldn't be a big issue for me.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

punkinhead I won't deny it can be confusing for kids, especially when younger (my DD is a tween) older kids are well into their teens. But even if her dad and i had no contact she would still want us back together. This way we have a peaceful life with no one fearing being at the same social event together. Kids grow up and have their own life lessons with relationships by then they will have a much better grasp on the current situation.

I can only hope that in the end all works out well and that ex and I have done the best by our children that we possibly could given the circumstances. I am absolutely sure that the way we live is far better for our children than the alternative. They see that their parents can be civil to each other and that we are there for them in a united way.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

When I first met my hb he was still taking trips with his ex and daughter under the guise of family time. I watched them carefully and really don't think there was anything going on, the boundaries were just poor. He stopped this when we started dating and if he hadn't I would not have continued the relationship. You can't be fully invested in a new relationship if you're still doing family time. Birthdays and special occasions I get but that's it.

You are way too involved with your ex imho. I think you should cut back to kid business, and when he should not be having his time at your house. A decent partner isn't going to go along with that.

My ex and I are on decent terms now but we handle kid business and that's it. His time is at his house, and when he's single I'll let myself in because he doesn't care but if he's seeing someone I mind good boundaries.
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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Here is my story and recent incident for insight..

Myself I am divorced with 2 boys.. They live with me. My ex see's only one of them ( out of shame ) the youngest on Monday and Tuesday because it allows her free time on the weekends. 

I am Divorced.

The current G.F. of almost 1 year is separated, not legally though about 3 years now and now is working to get divorced.. 

She has 2 daughters with her husband ( she hates when I say that ).. She kicked him out when she was 6 months pregnant. They didn't speak for a year after that. He has an alcohol problem.

Now they are on friendly terms. Not sure if he stopped drinking, but never seen him drunk and he is dating someone as well which seems serious. 

He doesn't drive out of anxiety or whatever.. 
The G.F. describes him as the brother she never wanted.

He see's his daughters on Wed and Sunday.

It seems that he would come over Her apartment on Wednesday to spend time with his daughter and either they would go out or hang out in her bedroom. It seems there were times when my G.F. was home with them and basically doing her own thing or even interacting at times. Maybe he would buy a arts and craft kit and they would do it and then show it to her. 

Mind you this is an apartment not a house.. 

There were also times when G.F. and her mom would be there and so was her STBXH on Wednesday. So basically it was the whole family.

On Sundays he goes to my G.F. moms apartment and spends time there with his daughters or takes them out.. 

So now that you understand how things went down before me and as we dated in the beginning.

Today.. 

When things started getting serious between us I had to express my feelings.

I told her I can not handle him coming over on wednesdays hanging out.. I know my G.F. is dressed down at home and I told her I see no reason why you should be walking around the house naked with nothing but a big shirt on and your nipples popping out in front of your husband.. 

Further how does this work when we are living together ? We get a bad snow storm so he hangs out in house in the basement with her ? No way.. 

Mind you at first she said what would be the big deal.. All I am doing is punishing her daughter.. 

Once I said, fine I will invite my ex wife over to fix her relationship with my son she changed her tune.. 

This past sunday the G.F. had a birthday party for her oldest daughter.. It was me and my 2 kids, her, the STBXH with his G.F., G.F. Mom and dad and 3 other relatives.. They all knew him of course because of being together for 20 years.. I never met them.. Me and my kids sat on the other side of a U shaped table away from them.. My G.F. moved back and forth to help her mom with her 3 year old.. So at times we were isolated from everyone. Even my 14 year old said he felt he was on a island. 

When we got home I told her that would be the the last time for me and my kids.. 

I told her you wanted a divorce from your husband then learn to accept what millions of other divorced parents do on birthdays and other events.. Which is have 2 parties.. He has his own and we have ours.. 

I told her how do I get to know your kids and viceversa.. How can I ever compete with their dad and neither should I, ever..
It was an uncomfortable feeling and I won't do that ever again.

I challenged her to find someone else who can handle being together with the other person Ex that they were fvcking and sucking for X amount of years.. It just isn't gonna happen.. 

If you can, you are clearly a much better and mature person than me or most of us in this world.. 

Personally if you want to be one of those people who uses the excuse I did this for my kids then by all means, just date because eventually you will have to give up your time for someone else.. You will have to make time in your life for someone else if you want to have a meaningful relationship.. Otherwise Date casually and have no worries about these types of commitments. 

I clearly told the G.F. stop using the excuse of her kids because I have 2 of my own and I make my own sacrifices to see her, which including sleeping over during the week and on weekends.

Again these are the things that happen when you get divorced.. Its not all unicorns and rainbows.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

LOL HTH you are prob not going to like what I have to say...

oh HTH your are still punishing your gf for crimes she never committed....soooo much anger and trying to control your gf and her actions.... that's cool if you expressed your feeling of being uncomfortable to her but being worried that her husband (not even exh) is MAYBE seeing that outline of her nipples, really?? Honesty if I were you I would be waaay more concerned right now that she is not even legally separated from her husband more than he maybe sees the outline of her nips... 

control, control, control over the possibility of another man finding her attractive...

so you basically had a tantrum because you felt isolated at a party, while she was attending to her 3 yr old child / helping her mom... Are you not an adult that can go and make the first approach and mingle with other people? or does your gf have to give you and your family her complete and undivided attention at all times? Sure maybe that was not the best place to meet all the family for the first time but sounds to me like you are reacting pretty extremely.

For the record I have met a lot of people that are able to have a co-parenting relationship with their ex... I have met people that still have weekly dinners with the ex and the kids, I have met people who the ex and both their new significant others are able to get together for big events for the kids...but I have also met people who need a third party location drop off with the kids because the relationship is so contentious. There is no right or wrong here... a wide spectrum.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

unsure78 said:


> LOL HTH you are prob not going to like what I have to say...
> 
> oh HTH your are still punishing your gf for crimes she never committed....soooo much anger and trying to control your gf and her actions.... that's cool if you expressed your feeling of being uncomfortable to her but being worried that her husband (not even exh) is MAYBE seeing that outline of her nipples, really?? Honesty if I were you I would be waaay more concerned right now that she is not even legally separated from her husband more than he maybe sees the outline of her nips...
> 
> ...



Disagree. He's not controlling anyone, he's demanding good boundaries. His gf still has one foot in her old family and him on the side for fun. If they're to have a future he must be fully incorporated into her life as her partner; that's the realty of divorce. If that's unacceptable she should've stayed married.

And if it was truly no big deal to her she would be ok with his ex wife coming over to hang out with the kid, but she wasn't. Why not? Maybe she was controlling him.

If my hb had treated me like that while we were dating he'd be gone. And I would never dream of having my ex over with my family while my serious guy was isolated at the other end of the table. If you'd be cool with that then that's up to you but most people wouldn't be. I think he handled it great.
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't mean to continue the thread jack, but...

HTH, it seems that the STBX and his GF were the only two people that you would have preferred not to have been ther that day. Everyone else was your GF's family. So what prevented you and your kids from interacting with the rest of the folks there? Had you known the other people there before this?

And I'm asking this with a real desire to know the answer, as I'm going through this same blended family thing. 

C
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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Disagree. He's not controlling anyone, he's demanding good boundaries. His gf still has one foot in her old family and him on the side for fun. If they're to have a future he must be fully incorporated into her life as her partner; that's the realty of divorce. If that's unacceptable she should've stayed married.
> 
> And if it was truly no big deal to her she would be ok with his ex wife coming over to hang out with the kid, but she wasn't. Why not? Maybe she was controlling him.
> 
> ...


Some of what im responding too is based on lots of previous posts by HTH in other threads...he has talked in the past of having anger issues and being hung up on men finding his gf attractive

But like I said to each his own, some people are able to still be at an event with the ex, some are not...neither answer is correct...

Again if I were hth, the fact that shes not even separated yet would be causing me more heartburn. ..but even that also to each his own, it obviously doesn't bother him
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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

unsure78 said:


> Some of what im responding too is based on lots of previous posts by HTH in other threads...he has talked in the past of having anger issues and being hung up on men finding his gf attractive
> 
> But like I said to each his own, some people are able to still be at an event with the ex, some are not...neither answer is correct...
> 
> ...



Hmm, valid points. I wouldn't even date a recently divorced person let alone a separated person. I still think his boundaries in this case are valid but perhaps some of his other issues are at least exacerbated by the fact that she's not cut the ties yet. Maybe this isn't a great relationship for him to be in, but that's his call.
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