# Ending Limbo?



## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

My H and I have been married for 15 years and it's hard for me to say it was happy. Feels like a series of terrible life events happened that lead me to make excuses. He was in the military, he was training with the militay, he was deployed with the military, our parents died, jobs, school, a baby, his emotional affair 5 years ago and his latest attempt to rekindle it with the same woman. I am not ready to R but having hard time admitting defeat with a divorce. Trouble is that when I am away from my H it's easy to see things are pretty bad but when I talk to H about our situation I usually end up reassuring him and feeling more optimistic things aren't as bad as I thought. Temporarily. 

I am trying to take baby steps to separate. It has become apparent that he is very resentful towards me over many years. He indirectly admitted this resentment allows him to feel meeting with the OW behind my back in a non romantic way is ok or is a way to get back at me. That has completely destroyed my trust and I just don't know it can be restored a second time. Then he apologizes and asks me what he can do. His words don't match his behavior. I can start a fight via text and tell him I want him to move out. 

Any advice on getting a separation in a nice way since we have to co parent. He will be staying at our home while I work 4 nights a week. Is a full separation worth it if he would only be gone 3 nights a week? Should I give him time to find a place? We seem on friendly terms and have discussed separating before and we do rely on each other for co parenting. We are not financially dependent on each other but it will be hard for both of us to have only one income. The last few years I have really withdrawn from him emotionally and I don't spend much time with him so maybe we could keep the same routine? Is this a reasonable plan?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Have you seen a lawyer to give you this type of advice?


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

aine said:


> Have you seen a lawyer to give you this type of advice?


I talked to one 5 years ago when my H was involved in an EA that he was initially wanted to leave the marriage. After the OW backed off he stayed. I don't think I need legal advice unless I am more committed to divorce. Right now our situation isn't complicated. We have talked about it before but my H had a listening problem so he could always deny every hearing it. He seems willing to do whatever I want right now. The separation might be better if he thought it was his idea. He wants to keep working in the same place the OW works and I let it slide last time but I don't think so this time. He loves his job more than me so if I make him choose then it's over. 

Maybe it's so hard because he is so tied into my identity. Losing him feels like cutting off my arm that keeps getting infected.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> I talked to one 5 years ago when my H was involved in an EA that he was initially wanted to leave the marriage. After the OW backed off he stayed. I don't think I need legal advice unless I am more committed to divorce. Right now our situation isn't complicated. We have talked about it before but my H had a listening problem so he could always deny every hearing it. He seems willing to do whatever I want right now. The separation might be better if he thought it was his idea. He wants to keep working in the same place the OW works and I let it slide last time but I don't think so this time. He loves his job more than me so if I make him choose then it's over.
> 
> Maybe it's so hard because he is so tied into my identity. Losing him feels like cutting off my arm that keeps getting infected.


You need to regain your own identity. I’d recommend that you do the 180 on him. Do you have a spare bedroom that you can move into? It sounds like you’re not real sure what you want to do yet. Which is fine and normal, but that means that you’re just not ready. Removing yourself further from him may help you clarify which direction you want to go.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your marriage is already over and you know it. 

Burying your head and refusing to deal with the "failure of divorce" changes nothing. I don't get this mentality at all..... Your hb is a cheat and a liar so this is your failure how?

My ex was a jerk so I divorced him

Do yourself a favor and rip the bandaid off. Tell him it's over and you will be filling for divorce, and that you wish to be fair if things can be civil. 

And fyi, he didn't restart with the same woman..... that affair never ended. Let her have him full time.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

What is the 180?


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Thestarsarefalling said:
> 
> 
> > I talked to one 5 years ago when my H was involved in an EA that he was initially wanted to leave the marriage. After the OW backed off he stayed. I don't think I need legal advice unless I am more committed to divorce. Right now our situation isn't complicated. We have talked about it before but my H had a listening problem so he could always deny every hearing it. He seems willing to do whatever I want right now. The separation might be better if he thought it was his idea. He wants to keep working in the same place the OW works and I let it slide last time but I don't think so this time. He loves his job more than me so if I make him choose then it's over.
> ...


I just looked up 180. I already live the 180 before this with occasional relapse. I have fallen off the wagon of 180 and have just been trying to figure out what to do now. It feels like something has to change. My H says he is sorry and wants to make things better, which is more than last time. I am not really falling for it. I need to get back on the 180 wagon. Why would I move to another bedroom? He doesn't really sleep in the room with me anyway. Just not sure what the point is of doing the 180 is. My H is great with the rules of 180 and would happily live that way for a long time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Divorce is not admitting defeat. It's often the only sensible decision. Staying in a marriage with someone you can't trust is admitting defeat. 

My marriage was three times longer than yours and when my ex-husband resumed contact with the same OW he had promised decades before he would never again be in contact with, I divorced him without a second thought. He had gotten another chance and he blew it. And, yes, there were all those promises that he didn't mean it and it would never happen again and I was the only one he loved. I didn't buy it the second time. 

I wish my marriage had worked but it didn't so I fixed the problem.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Divorce is not admitting defeat. It's often the only sensible decision. Staying in a marriage with someone you can't trust is admitting defeat.
> 
> My marriage was three times longer than yours and when my ex-husband resumed contact with the same OW he had promised decades before he would never again be in contact with, I divorced him without a second thought. He had gotten another chance and he blew it. And, yes, there were all those promises that he didn't mean it and it would never happen again and I was the only one he loved. I didn't buy it the second time.
> 
> I wish my marriage had worked but it didn't so I fixed the problem.


No matter how much I want it to work out I can't accept the lack of trust or the betrayal. I can't think of a way to make it better. He can't say or do anything to change that. I mostly believe what he is saying but there is always room for lies. If I stay it would be more like a business arrangement for our kid because I could never actually expect fidelity. Not sure that is anyway to live. 

We just moved into a more expensive house last year and it was a hard adjustment for him my child who is 5. If I was certain I could keep the house then I would feel better about it. I think I can but it would be tight. It is a great neighborhood with a good support system I have been building. Is that rationalizing? 

Never mind my codependance craving to save my H from himself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had been married 15 years when my ex-husband first cheated. We had a child approaching adolescence and although I considered divorce I decided I couldn't break up my family. I believed his promises that it would never happen again. Big, big mistake. 

I usually don't support R because -- having lived it for a very long time -- I know all too well how it can end up. It's true that some do succeed but many fail. Why? Because there will always be cheaters who don't change. I was married to one. Sounds like you are married to one too. And that makes for a difficult life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wait, he has resentment toward YOU?? Thats RICH. The cheater has resentments, boo frickin hoo. Probably resented that you didnt divorce him so he could be free to bang his other woman whenever he wanted. I read your other thread, and you should be PISSED as hell and telling him to take his cheating ass out your door and never come back. That woman has been in your marriage for the last five years while you thought you were working things out. 

I understand not wanting to lose your house, but at the end of the day, its just a house. Your well being and happiness as well as that of your child's is what is important here. Your child deserves a happy mom and a non toxic home environment to grow up in. And YOU deserve the peace of mind that comes with knowing you have no one going behind your back and destroying what you've built.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

It's kind of crazy how my thoughts about R or separating swing back and forth. I sent a text message to my H telling him he had to leave his job or we needed to separate. We have had many discussions about the OW and I do believe his story for the most part. He is either lying to me or to himself about his motivations to see OW outside of work. He does not spent time with any other co workers outside of work so why her all of a sudden? 

He said he was willing to leave his job but made the future sound so dark and terrible if that happened. Seems like he answered my question. I don't want him to leave his job because he loves it but I don't want to stay married to him if he does. 

I get sick at the thought of him working and seeing the OW. My H swears that he doesn't see or talk to her much and the two times they saw each other outside of work was quick and not romantic. I kind of believe most of this story but I think he is still crushing on her at the very least.

It feels bad to think about divorcing him but I get panic attacks thinking about staying with him. Neither option is going to feel good.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The Starsarefalling,

You have constantly threatened your WH hoping he would be scared enough or love you enough to do what you want. That is not going to work, follow through with action. Pack up his **** and have it on the lawn when he arrives home. Then get a good lawyer, draw up the divorce papers. You will stay in this situation until the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> It's kind of crazy how my thoughts about R or separating swing back and forth. I sent a text message to my H telling him he had to leave his job or we needed to separate. We have had many discussions about the OW and I do believe his story for the most part. He is either lying to me or to himself about his motivations to see OW outside of work. He does not spent time with any other co workers outside of work so why her all of a sudden?
> 
> He said he was willing to leave his job but made the future sound so dark and terrible if that happened. Seems like he answered my question. I don't want him to leave his job because he loves it but I don't want to stay married to him if he does.
> 
> ...


You really need to stop deluding yourself about this. You are buying into his bull****. He wants this woman. Period. There is no other motivation. Yes, neither option is pleasant, but at least a divorce is short term distress. If you stay with this man, then you are looking at a lifetime sentence of this same misery, because if it isnt THIS woman, then it will be ANOTHER woman down the line. Then you'll rugsweep it again, and it will be ANOTHER woman. And so on, and so on. 

You need to come to terms with the fact that your husband is a cheater.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

aine said:


> You will stay in this situation until the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.


This is exactly true. Last time the main reason I didn't divorce him was because is felt so painful and bad even reading over the divorce documents online. I have always been taught that you can know wrong from right based on how you feel about it. This doesn't seem to be true in this situation. Both options offer a lot of pain. Trying to R feels a little more comfortable only when I am with my H. When I go to work or he goes to work then the anxiety sets in.

Everytime I tell him I might consider R I can see him relax. I don't want him relaxing. He should be uncomfortable and doing anything I say might make me feel better. 

I want to share something that I am embarrassed to admit to another thinking person. It's not sound logic. Another reason I am motivated to R is because I selfishly want another kid. It was apart of the conditions of the first R but when the timing was good he said no. He has said no the whole time. Now I am 35 and part of me wants to insist baby now or D. That is not good thinking on my part, I know! In my head, D after baby #2 would be better than D now. 

I envision growing old alone to turn into some bitter old lady who keeps telling the young girls to be careful and don't trust men. I have met them and was warned. I could be an old pug lady since I am not into cats. Feel free to yell at me for this.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> I want to share something that I am embarrassed to admit to another thinking person. It's not sound logic. Another reason I am motivated to R is because I selfishly want another kid. It was apart of the conditions of the first R but when the timing was good he said no. He has said no the whole time. Now I am 35 and part of me wants to insist baby now or D. That is not good thinking on my part, I know! In my head, D after baby #2 would be better than D now.
> 
> I envision growing old alone to turn into some bitter old lady who keeps telling the young girls to be careful and don't trust men. I have met them and was warned. I could be an old pug lady since I am not into cats. Feel free to yell at me for this.


A baby in exchange for reconciliation. I'm sure any child would be delighted to know that was the condition under which they were brought into the world. 

I don't know if the word selfish captures the fact that this child will have to spend at least the first 18 years of their life with parents in a dysfunctional relationship (or if he/she is lucky, deal with the dysfunction then the divorce) and have to deal with the resulting emotional baggage for the rest of their lives because mom needed to satisfy her need for a 2nd child.

The flippancy with which parents consider bringing children into unhealthy, dysfunctional environments saddens me. This is not some cute puppy that will happily eat/****/sleep regardless of whether its owner is cheating on his wife. This is another human being, with feelings and emotions. Would you choose to be in your situation if you could pick any other life for you and your 5-year old? Why in the world would you force a child to live in your unhappy situation?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

This is like reading my own story. Make me feel better I am not the only enabling BS here LOL

Do not have the baby! It will not help and just creates another bond to him that you will not be able to shake. If you really want another child and can do it on your own then do that. It would be better than extending your sentence with this man.

My H also continued working with the OW so I know your pain there but just to be sure you understand the person you are with he enjoys the pain this causes you, he sees it as a type of control. Let me guess when you give him an boundary he picks a fight, makes it your fault, and then gives you the silent treatment. Then he will find a way to hurt you emotionally. This is abuse and you need to end this cycle.

Here is the bad news, there is no way to pull the band aid off slowly with guys like this. When you leave it will be bad. My MC prepared me for it but even I was surprised. He will be angry and hurt and co-dependent people like us hate it when other are angry. But it will fade and eventually you can co-parent. It took 3 months for me. 

Trust me you will be happier alone with a pug than a life with this man.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> I want to share something that I am embarrassed to admit to another thinking person. It's not sound logic. Another reason I am motivated to R is because I selfishly want another kid. It was apart of the conditions of the first R but when the timing was good he said no. He has said no the whole time. Now I am 35 and part of me wants to insist baby now or D. That is not good thinking on my part, I know! In my head, D after baby #2 would be better than D now.
> 
> I envision growing old alone to turn into some bitter old lady who keeps telling the young girls to be careful and don't trust men. I have met them and was warned. I could be an old pug lady since I am not into cats. Feel free to yell at me for this.


100% selfish. Sorry. This shows no consideration for the well being of the potential child.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Thestarsarefalling said:
> 
> 
> > I want to share something that I am embarrassed to admit to another thinking person. It's not sound logic. Another reason I am motivated to R is because I selfishly want another kid. It was apart of the conditions of the first R but when the timing was good he said no. He has said no the whole time. Now I am 35 and part of me wants to insist baby now or D. That is not good thinking on my part, I know! In my head, D after baby #2 would be better than D now.
> ...


I know it is very selfish. It's also living in a dream to think all my problems would go away. H gets so much worse when he is stressed. Last time I had a baby he decided to check out the OW. Who knows how he would cope with another.


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