# Separation after 26 Years



## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

After 26 years of marriage (31 years together) my wife decided she wanted something different. She started to become distant then cold towards me, not returning or showing any affection towards me. I then ended up finding her in bed with another man in our own home while I was in our bed. She was embarrassed to say the least and wanted to leave the house but I told her I didn’t want her to because I didn’t know what would happen to her. All of my friends and family have told me I was way to nice to her after this, but I love her and wanted to make it work. A few weeks went by and then she left the house to her parents. A few weeks after this she said she wanted a separation. From the time she left our home she said she needed space to finger out why she had did this. Of course I didn’t give her the space because my gut said I needed to show her that I loved her and keep her closer so she wouldn’t leave me. Since this I have read books and articles that all said the same thing, and I did the wrong thing basically pushing her further away. Over the course of this time I have been put through hell on an emotional roller coaster. She has yet to talk to me about why any of this has happened and refuses to even have a conversation with me about us or anything to do with what has happened. Leading up to this our marriage (in my eyes) was stronger than ever and we got along great never having any conflict or major arguments, so this came as a huge shock to me. I have been consistent throughout this with her showing her my love and wanting to reconcile, but it is to no avail. She has shown me that she just wants the money and will be gone afterwards starting her new life. It saddens me that she shows no feelings, emotions, or empathy towards me after being together that long. I’m trying to work with her (we both have lawyers now) on getting an amicable separation agreement, but just when I think we’ve made some progress she changes her mind and hits me from the side once again. I’m so confused and frustrated right now, I’m getting worn out and just want this over with. I would love some advice as I don’t know anyone near me who has been through this. Thanks LNA


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry you're here, and much compassion for you. One of the first things, albeit without more info etc, I'm going to assume you're not a horrible person....

is you have to quickly realize SHE did this, not you, and you shouldn't be taking or feeling any guilt or blame for her actions.

You need to be cold shouldering her, and planning your emotional and financial exit even if you choose not to ask her to leave right this second.

Although you should. 

Do not be worrying about how you can help heal things, it's on her. And she may still planning to leave you despite of what she may be saying. 

Protect yourself first. Most folks, including me, would've put her out on the curb immediately. Let her live her choices. She's an adult. 

Be strong, hang in there.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Thanks, throughout our 31 years together I have never been unfaithful to her and have never been abusive or anything like that. Yes I have had my faults, as we all do, but my intentions were always to be a good loving husband and father to our children. She has moved out and took all of her clothes and personal effects and is currently living at her parents. We have 3 adult children, 2 are living on their own and one is in our home with me. The kids all know what she did because I felt they needed to know what their mother has done to our family. She was the one to go get a lawyer first and begin the formal separation agreement. 
in the beginning I was feeling sorry for myself and thought I had to change or do something to save our marriage, but it’s taken some time and I now know I did nothing wrong and I don’t deserve this and I am ready to move on. The guy that I caught her with just went through a messy divorce and I’m pretty sure she had been talking with him throughout last summer leading up to her infidelity and our separation. I’m pretty sure he is “coaching” her through this because knowing her like I do she would never think of some of this stuff. She called the police on me and said that I forcibly confined her in our walk in closet, had been following her etc.. I met with the officer and he took my statement and was recommending it be dropped, which it was. She blatantly lied about this to the officer, I just told the truth which I believe came through for me. I truly believe that something is wrong in her head because the woman I now see and have been dealing with is not the woman I fell in love with and married. She had told me that she thought she was going through the change of life, plus her job has been really stressful, plus COVID and I believe this has all had an effect on her. She told me that something “shifted” in her in the beginning, which I don’t believe, as other posters have said, it has been leading up to this, likely for months, and likely has had sex many times before and after we separated. I’ve been hurt so bad throughout this and I’m just starting to feel better about myself now.
We were initially thinking about selling the house and splitting it, but then I thought I would like to keep it and we met our realtor and got a listing value for the house which we both agreed to. Then a week went by and she tells me because she never heard anything about this from her lawyer that she wants to proceed with selling the house. I wish I had found this site months ago, and read about “The 180”, so much good advice here.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

okay i hate to say this because i get you love you wife but stop being s doormat, the moment you found her in bed with another man that should have been the biggest red flag of all this marriage was over and you doing everything to keep the marriage together demonstrated that your wife eyes a weak man...i am glad that you are finally ready to move on she will get her just rewards for her actions in time and she will come to realize her actions...did you tell the kids she was trying to get you arrested?


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> okay i hate to say this because i get you love you wife but stop being s doormat, the moment you found her in bed with another man that should have been the biggest red flag of all this marriage was over and you doing everything to keep the marriage together demonstrated that your wife eyes a weak man...i am glad that you are finally ready to move on she will get her just rewards for her actions in time and she will come to realize her actions...did you tell the kids she was trying to get you arrested?


Thanks, I agree with you 100%, and it has taken me a few months to get to where I am. It’s easy for everyone around you to say forget her and move on, but she is all I have known, my entire world, and when you love someone as much as I have you can’t just drop it on a dime. I have been grieving for months now and I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. The advice I am reading on this forum is great, as I said I wish I found it months ago.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is sick and twisted and so is her boyfriend. For them to have sex in your home while you were in bed is beyond outrageous.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is sick and twisted and so is her boyfriend. For them to have sex in your home while you were in bed is beyond outrageous.


So it gets even sicker. This prick was a guest in our home, he actually works in the same company as me. My son who also works there was hanging out with him outside of work, and started bringing him around the house. I know she had been talking with him over time and I was ok with that, I mean as I said to her, she was my best friend and wife, I had no trust issues whatsoever with her. Then the weekend in question which was my birthday weekend, and turns out he has the same birthday. I find out this guy is an alcoholic and drug addict and has been doing coke in my house ffs! I am 99% sure she was on it the night in question because she was bouncing off the walls at 5 in the morning and I couldn’t stay up any longer. Her and my son were still up playing pool and the prick was in the guest room sleeping. I went to bed and woke up an hour later to find she wasn’t in bed, so I start looking in rooms making my way downstairs only to get to the last room and here noises in there, open the door only to see his bare ass in the air! My heart dropped out of my chest, I was in shock to say the least. That image still comes into my head and I will wake up in the night and gasp, it’s an awful feeling.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

How old is he, and how old is your wife?


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> How old is he, and how old is your wife?


Both are 47


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. I have almost the same story but it was a 30 year marriage. (Iwas on here when it all happened, still is the thread somewhere). Did you make mistakes, yes you did, but she is responsible for he affair, her and her alone, that is ALL on her. You playing the "pickme" game is another mistake you and I have in common. I still shudder 10 years later when I think of how pathetic I was. But the good news is that was yesterday, today is a new day. And it is never to late to do the 180. Many people will be giving you their opinion. Listen to them all, follow the ones that you feel are right, but what ever you do ACT!

Good luck to you.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Hoosier said:


> So sorry you are here. I have almost the same story but it was a 30 year marriage. (Iwas on here when it all happened, still is the thread somewhere). Did you make mistakes, yes you did, but she is responsible for he affair, her and her alone, that is ALL on her. You playing the "pickme" game is another mistake you and I have in common. I still shudder 10 years later when I think of how pathetic I was. But the good news is that was yesterday, today is a new day. And it is never to late to do the 180. Many people will be giving you their opinion. Listen to them all, follow the ones that you feel are right, but what ever you do ACT!
> 
> Good luck to you.


Thank you so much, it feels good to get this out and talk with people that have had similar eperiences. I will be a better person and life certainly does go on after this. I will admit I had thoughts of suicide briefly, and I sought counselling and have been speaking with my family doctor. I feel so much better today than I did 3-4 months ago. I appreciate any advice from those who will listen.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> Thank you so much, it feels good to get this out and talk with people that have had similar eperiences. I will be a better person and life certainly does go on after this. I will admit I had thoughts of suicide briefly, and I sought counselling and have been speaking with my family doctor. I feel so much better today than I did 3-4 months ago. I appreciate any advice from those who will listen.


It's good to hear your optimism. No man/woman is worth committing suicide over. With time, you get past the motivation to commit suicide, but if you do it, you never get past the suicide.

There has to be a LOT more to the story. It may not be worth unraveling. Why was your son hanging around with a 47 year old man? Why was your wife hanging around with him? What gave her the gall to have sex with him in your own house while you were in bed?

I cannot in my wildest dreams imagine anything that she could say or do that would suggest that reconciliation was a good idea. I would never be able to get past the betrayal. If she has a drug problem, it doesn't excuse her actions. She chooses to take the drugs, she chooses to accept the consequences.

You will never get past the mind movie you got from seeing his bare ass in the air. Good luck. Be strong.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I guess that by now you clearly understand that what most likely happened was that as time went by you became domesticated, were happy with her, and you became a beta male. It happens to a lot of men after being marry for a while. For a lot of women beta men are a a source of scorn, they compare you with those men that are on the prole looking for some honey and are on full macho display regalia. You can't win, the alluring siren song being sung to them is a lot to resist by their stroke egos.

Typically you did everything a lot of men in your situation do: "the infamous pick me dance". That's the worse mistake a man can do. The more you come to them the further away they get from you. At this stage these women have little to no respect for their partner because there's a strong alluring alpha male in their sight. I'm glad that you came under that spell and got your manhood back. Full ahead with divorce. Do not longer communicate in person with her. Make it through the lawyers or an app for divorce and communicate just about legal matters. Don't ever be with her alone, you never know what she might try to pull on you again. 

Forget about her excuses, or if she's crazy or not. Be done with her in every aspect. Utilized this experience in your next relationship, so that you do not become compliance in the relationship. Good luck.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> It's good to hear your optimism. No man/woman is worth committing suicide over. With time, you get past the motivation to commit suicide, but if you do it, you never get past the suicide.
> 
> There has to be a LOT more to the story. It may not be worth unraveling. Why was your son hanging around with a 47 year old man? Why was your wife hanging around with him? What gave her the gall to have sex with him in your own house while you were in bed?
> 
> ...


My son likes to help others and has a good heart, more like why was a 47 year old man hanging around him? But in our line of business (construction) people of all ages tend to hang out and drink after work quite a bit. I have no idea what she was thinking, or like she said, not thinking to do this in our home. There is a lot more to the story. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I can't hold **** in, unlike her, she (for obvious reasons) hasn't told anyone what happened. I even told her parents who I was very close with, there was no way this was going to get swept under the carpet a sfar as I was concerned. All I heard from everyone was "are you kidding, that scumbag"?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

When you walked in, did they stop, or did they ignore you and keep going? What did she say to you afterward?


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> When you walked in, did they stop, or did they ignore you and keep going? What did she say to you afterward?


Oh they stopped, I walked up the stairs, then she came up with the walk of shame. This was 6:00 in the morning. We went to our bedroom and both layed on the bed facing each other. She had the "Deer in the headlights" look for hours, never said a word. I just kept asking how could you do this? As I said I was in shock too.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

One thing that I forgot to mention was she had our family all on "Find My Phone" (5 of us) (her idea) until back in November she started mesing around with it and would turn it off. Myself and my daughter would ask her what she was doign and she said "Oh I was deleting messages and it must have stopped following", she would turn it back on until a few days later she shut it completely off and the 4 of us couldn't see her location never to turn it on again. My daughter questioned her again and she said she felt like we were controlling her, my daughter said what? I just want to know where my mom is thats all! Obviously she was hiding something, its so evident looking back now.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> Obviously she was hiding something, its so evident looking back now.


Yep. Brace yourself.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You think your wife was on drugs that night?
Had she taken drugs before?
Is she used to the effects?

There are guys out there that know peri menopause is good time to pounce, her sex hormones can be higher, whilst her connection to partner and family lower.

What a sickening sight to witness.
What a jerk of a colleague.
What a sadly traumatic end to a long term marriage.

Something inside your wife did shift, like she says, and like you see, she is a different person now after the shift.
It happens to some women.
I changed for awhile.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@latenightagony ,

It sounds as if you are beginning to get your head on straight, so for the moment I’m not going to give you advice about what to do or what not to do as regards the infidelity.

However, regarding the sale of the house, if the two of you have a selling price that you agree to, all you need to do is offer her an amount equivalent to half the price. For example, if you both agree to a value of $300,000, her half would be $150,000. So refinance and buy her out, and then you get to keep the house.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

EveningThoughts said:


> You think your wife was on drugs that night?
> Had she taken drugs before?
> Is she used to the effects?
> 
> ...


Like I said, i'm 99% sure she was on coke that night, we have tried pot before, and in fact did some with my vape earlier that night, which brings her down (mellow).
This night she was full of energy at 5:00 in the morning not showing any sign of slowing down.
There is a mirror in this bedroom too, I have since looked at it and all I can sy is wow, lines and powder all over it!
A lot of people at work know what he has done and he already wasn't liked, I on the other hand am well regarded at work.
It is sad that after being together for 31 years that she didn't even want to try and talk to me and maybe try and work through whatever it was she was feeling.
But she has opened my eyes to to the person she really is and I don't want anything to do with that person.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> Like I said, i'm 99% sure she was on coke that night, we have tried pot before, and in fact did some with my vape earlier that night, which brings her down (mellow).
> This night she was full of energy at 5:00 in the morning not showing any sign of slowing down.
> There is a mirror in this bedroom too, I have since looked at it and all I can sy is wow, lines and powder all over it!
> A lot of people at work know what he has done and he already wasn't liked, I on the other hand am well regarded at work.
> ...


She just wanted to get laid by someone else. It's that simple. It's too bad her character didn't cause her to avoid cheating. In all likelihood, she will never change. 

What are you going to do about it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

latenightagony said:


> Thank you so much, it feels good to get this out and talk with people that have had similar eperiences. I will be a better person and life certainly does go on after this. I will admit I had thoughts of suicide briefly, and I sought counselling and have been speaking with my family doctor. I feel so much better today than I did 3-4 months ago. I appreciate any advice from those who will listen.


Remember your sons need you.​


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So he is a druggie, a drunk and a cheater. Wow. It's amazing what loosers some women will go after. Hard to understand. 
Don't give up on the house. Tell your lawyer that you want to stay, especially as your son is still there.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

in regards to the jerk, did you kick him out of your house and did you son drop him as well? how have you engaged with him at the office? BTW if you wife is engaging in drugs and still hanging out with him, i would notify the police that he has drugs at where everywhere he is living at.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wife’s separation was to focus solely on her new boyfriend with you conveniently out of the way.

Get tested for STDs if you haven’t.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You need to get a good shark lawyer -- do NOT let your love of who you thought she was blind you and have to give in or give her more out of the goodness of your heart.
If HE is guiding her, they are still in the affair -- 180 her, and make sure you have a VAR on you for ANY interactions you have (so she can't pull that crap with the cops again).


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How old are all of you, WW and POSOM?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is a truth like water is wet. Nice passive men get taken advantage of and more often then not cheated on. I am willing to bet money this not the first time. You are way way too nice and way too trusting.

What you need know is, the Knight in Shinning Armor goes out and dies, the Prince gets the girl.

Don't hide this to protect her you are doing her no favors in the long run.
When this blows up and it will, she is going to come back crying and saying how it wasn't her, when she tells you she needs to go to rehab. Make her take a lie detector test because I there will be other incidents between your whole marriage. Then at least you will understand who you were married to. 

Yes people do lose the script, but not this fast usually it's a progression. You probably have no idea who your wife is..

Make sure to be actively in your new life, once you heal, start dating, because you don't want to make her your fall back. I know you looovvvee her and "she is a wonderful person who just happened to do coke and do her sons friend in her married bed, because of work stress, covid and the change of life" But really she is not a good person who you would do well to get as far away from as possible.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Remember your sons need you.​


He has me 100 %!


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So he is a druggie, a drunk and a cheater. Wow. It's amazing what loosers some women will go after. Hard to understand.
> Don't give up on the house. Tell your lawyer that you want to stay, especially as your son is still there.


We are trying, if we can’t agree to a value then we will sell.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> How old are all of you, WW and POSOM?


I’m 53, they are both 47.
We’ve been together since she was 16


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her parents must be so proud of her. <snort> Nothing like being a 47 year old coke head.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

latenightagony said:


> I’m 53, they are both 47.
> We’ve been together since she was 16


So very typical of these situations. If you read around you will find your story is quite common, even the high school sweetheart thing. Guys like you just don't have the context to understand who they are married too, and don't have enough experience to understand the way we to put or women on a pedestal is very unwise and emotionally dangerous.

Usually this is something that is learned early, and you are better for it. Unfortunately some guys marry these women and they use this trusting nature to take advantage.

I have read your story like 100 times. It's pretty much the same, I think the women are much more careful when the kids are young because they have so much to loose, so they only act out occasionally and hide it very well. When they get older they actually start to believe their own bull****, like they are a catch. Like anyone who hasn't been married to them for 40 years would be wiling to put of with their **** for more then a few months of fun.

It will blow up hard for your wife and when it does don't be her fallback. Go find an emotionally healthy women who has had your kind of experience and watch how much better all aspects of your life is. You are going to be shocked at the difference.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

sokillme said:


> So very typical of these situations. If you read around you will find your story is quite common, even the high school sweetheart thing. Guys like you just don't have the context to understand who they are married too, and don't have enough experience to understand the way we to put or women on a pedestal is very unwise and emotionally dangerous.
> 
> Usually this is something that is learned early, and you are better for it. Unfortunately some guys marry these women and they use this trusting nature to take advantage.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, I agree with you 100% 🥰


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Her parents must be so proud of her. <snort> Nothing like being a 47 year old coke head.


I sure hope they are. They have had their blinders on throughout this!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man. He maybe a loser but that’s who your wife picked over you. Let her go. You deserve better and there are better out there than this. You’ll find out decent guys are in demand.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

latenightagony said:


> I truly believe that something is wrong in her head





latenightagony said:


> after being together for 31 years that she didn't even want to try and talk to me and maybe try and work through whatever it was she was feeling



She checked out of your marriage a long time ago. She's finally gotten the courage (in her mind anyway) to leave. 
She doesn't have the courage to speak to you directly and rationally. Can't bring herself to be open and honest because she doesn't want to 'hurt' you with the truth. Did she tell you a riddle - I love you but im not in love with you? She also has 'feelings' for another man that she hasn't felt in a long time (assuming this isn't her first rodeo).

there's more to it - it looks like Sokillme sketched it out. 

In your home, while you were asleep is inexcusable. Maybe she wanted to get caught. The OM doesn't seem like the swiftest either to go along with such a risky proposition. Let this guy have her. This should be your attitude. If he's a substance abuser, her lifestyle will turn to ****. Let her parents deal with her. you are free.

Go find a girlfriend. Trust me she'll notice that. 

You also have to toughen up. Ignore her needs when she comes calling on you to handle some bs. Weakness is your worst enemy. There is no other way to say it.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Sorry for your troubles OP. I couldn't even imagine catching some guy railing my wife in my house. It probably would have been my last day a free man for a while.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry you witnessed what you did.
Please, for your own sake, and sanity, divorce this woman.
You will never reconcile and heal staying married after seeing what you did.
I'm one who also caught a spouse in the act. That sight will never leave you.
I wish you and your son the best going forward.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Well just heard back from my lawyer, she wants to sell the house, thinks it would be in our best interest to sell, we will both benefit financially given the market. No, she is being greedy and wants every last cent she can get. Also I was told she is seeking spousal support ffs! I now know she doesn’t have a heart! I told my lawyer that because of the trauma I was put through finding her committing adultery in the “matrimonial home” and the fact that she abandoned us and the house that I will need some time to get through this before I can list the house. He is afraid of her lawyer, and I think I need to find a new one??


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Your lawyer is afraid of her lawyer?


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Your lawyer is afraid of her lawyer?


He said we don’t want to go back and say we are stalled on selling the property, and I said I won’t be bullied into selling when she’s the one who put me through this! I don’t feel he is helping me at all.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> He said we don’t want to go back and say we are stalled on selling the property, and I said I won’t be bullied into selling when she’s the one who put me through this! I don’t feel he is helping me at all.


Any time you don't have faith in your lawyer, switch.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Well done. It looks like your getting angry. You should be angry after being shown the greatest disrespect that a husband can be shown. You busted your azz for 26 years and this is what you get in return. Not acceptable. No reconciliation or any of that other BS. 26 years. that's enough brother - you paid your dues. You are going to love your freedom. Dont even consider getting married again. Marriage weakens many (not all) men over time. it tends to drain the alpha side bringing out the beta. this is what may have happened in your marriage. hard to say. Reeducate yourself so that you can figure out what happened.

The thing you have to understand is how the rules have changed in the relationship world.. You seem to be living under the old archaic code that we were raised on. This is where you have to do your own work, especially if you plan on getting out into the dating world again. For now, take a long breather in order to come to grips with your current situation. Learn the rules so you know what youre doing out there. Do it right and you will be thrilled where you end up in a few years.

*Highly recommended:* this is where your re-education begins. I think youd benefit from the RP (Red Pill) material on you tube. Start with Rich Cooper's videos. they are short and to the point. learn the basics. I suspect this way of looking at the world will be a real eye opener for you. Also Rollo tomassi's the rational male. This reeducation will also be beneficial for your son who may a little too nice as well. Im pulling for you!


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

manowar said:


> Well done. It looks like your getting angry. You should be angry after being shown the greatest disrespect that a husband can be shown. You busted your azz for 26 years and this is what you get in return. Not acceptable. No reconciliation or any of that other BS. 26 years. that's enough brother - you paid your dues. You are going to love your freedom. Dont even consider getting married again. Marriage weakens many (not all) men over time. it tends to drain the alpha side bringing out the beta. this is what may have happened in your marriage. hard to say. Reeducate yourself so that you can figure out what happened.
> 
> The thing you have to understand is how the rules have changed in the relationship world.. You seem to be living under the old archaic code that we were raised on. This is where you have to do your own work, especially if you plan on getting out into the dating world again. For now, take a long breather in order to come to grips with your current situation. Learn the rules so you know what youre doing out there. Do it right and you will be thrilled where you end up in a few years.
> 
> *Highly recommended:* this is where your re-education begins. I think youd benefit from the RP (Red Pill) material on you tube. Start with Rich Cooper's videos. they are short and to the point. learn the basics. I suspect this way of looking at the world will be a real eye opener for you. Also Rollo tomassi's the rational male. This reeducation will also be beneficial for your son who may a little too nice as well. Im pulling for you!


Thanks for the advice, I will view these videos.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manowar said:


> Well done. It looks like your getting angry. You should be angry after being shown the greatest disrespect that a husband can be shown. You busted your azz for 26 years and this is what you get in return. Not acceptable. No reconciliation or any of that other BS. 26 years. that's enough brother - you paid your dues. You are going to love your freedom. Dont even consider getting married again. Marriage weakens many (not all) men over time. it tends to drain the alpha side bringing out the beta. this is what may have happened in your marriage. hard to say. Reeducate yourself so that you can figure out what happened.
> 
> The thing you have to understand is how the rules have changed in the relationship world.. You seem to be living under the old archaic code that we were raised on. This is where you have to do your own work, especially if you plan on getting out into the dating world again. For now, take a long breather in order to come to grips with your current situation. Learn the rules so you know what youre doing out there. Do it right and you will be thrilled where you end up in a few years.
> 
> *Highly recommended:* this is where your re-education begins. I think youd benefit from the RP (Red Pill) material on you tube. Start with Rich Cooper's videos. they are short and to the point. learn the basics. I suspect this way of looking at the world will be a real eye opener for you. Also Rollo tomassi's the rational male. This reeducation will also be beneficial for your son who may a little too nice as well. Im pulling for you!


Many men including my husband would disagree on the not getting married again idea. 
Married man are healthier and live longer as well.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Married man are healthier and live longer as well.


Lol, I don't know about that. My wife and I will be together 30 years in July and I look 20 years older than I am. Ok, maybe not 20 but at least 15!


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

manowar said:


> Well done. It looks like your getting angry. You should be angry after being shown the greatest disrespect that a husband can be shown. You busted your azz for 26 years and this is what you get in return. Not acceptable. No reconciliation or any of that other BS. 26 years. that's enough brother - you paid your dues. You are going to love your freedom. Dont even consider getting married again. Marriage weakens many (not all) men over time. it tends to drain the alpha side bringing out the beta. this is what may have happened in your marriage. hard to say. Reeducate yourself so that you can figure out what happened.
> 
> The thing you have to understand is how the rules have changed in the relationship world.. You seem to be living under the old archaic code that we were raised on. This is where you have to do your own work, especially if you plan on getting out into the dating world again. For now, take a long breather in order to come to grips with your current situation. Learn the rules so you know what youre doing out there. Do it right and you will be thrilled where you end up in a few years.
> 
> *Highly recommended:* this is where your re-education begins. I think youd benefit from the RP (Red Pill) material on you tube. Start with Rich Cooper's videos. they are short and to the point. learn the basics. I suspect this way of looking at the world will be a real eye opener for you. Also Rollo tomassi's the rational male. This reeducation will also be beneficial for your son who may a little too nice as well. Im pulling for you!


@manowar Thank you so much for recommending Richard Cooper and Rollo Tomassi! Fantastic material, I’ve ordered both of their books, where were you 3-4 months ago lol!


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Ffs, my ex (or whatever I should call her) is booking the listing of the house without my permission! She’s not even living here! Can she force me to sell? I know that’s a legal question but I’m kinda seeking a new lawyer.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> Ffs, my ex (or whatever I should call her) is booking the listing of the house without my permission! She’s not even living here! Can she force me to sell? I know that’s a legal question but I’m kinda seeking a new lawyer.


Whose name is on the deed? Some of the answer may depend on the state you live in, but if you jointly own the home, she probably can't sell it without your signature. She can list it all she wants, but if you're holding the property as joint tenants with right of survivorship, for example, she can't do anything without your permission, and the judge would have to order a sale if you refuse. Again, this information is not necessarily 100% accurate for your state.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Whose name is on the deed? Some of the answer may depend on the state you live in, but if you jointly own the home, she probably can't sell it without your signature. She can list it all she wants, but if you're holding the property as joint tenants with right of survivorship, for example, she can't do anything without your permission, and the judge would have to order a sale if you refuse. Again, this information is not necessarily 100% accurate for your state.


I am in Ontario Canada, both names are on the deed/mortgage.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> I am in Ontario Canada, both names are on the deed/mortgage.


You should get the full story from a Toronto lawyer, but in my jurisdiction, she couldn't do anything. However, listing the house is a non-event. It's engaging a real estate agent to find a buyer. Once the agent finds one, and after you accept an offer, you have to agree to the sale. She cannot sell the house without your signature. However, she might owe the real estate agent her commission. (You might want to tell the listing agent that the deed is in both names, and you're not agreeing to a sale.) Most importantly, don't get legal advice from the Internet. Go see a lawyer, and don't waste your time looking for free advice. It's worth what it costs you.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You should get the full story from a Toronto lawyer, but in my jurisdiction, she couldn't do anything. However, listing the house is a non-event. It's engaging a real estate agent to find a buyer. Once the agent finds one, and after you accept an offer, you have to agree to the sale. She cannot sell the house without your signature. However, she might owe the real estate agent her commission. (You might want to tell the listing agent that the deed is in both names, and you're not agreeing to a sale.) Most importantly, don't get legal advice from the Internet. Go see a lawyer, and don't waste your time looking for free advice. It's worth what it costs you.


I am dealing with a lawyer, but the one I have now is useless so I’m currently seeking a new one. The real estate agent is actually a friend of the family, or father to a friend. I emailed him and he understands completely. She thinks she can just send me an email stating that she’s setup a listing with photos and when the sign is going in the ground! She’s off her rocker I tell you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> She’s off her rocker I tell you.


Yes, she is. By the way, if your lawyer doesn't know the answer to this simple question, you have the wrong lawyer.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Yes, she is. By the way, if your lawyer doesn't know the answer to this simple question, you have the wrong lawyer.


It’s not that, he just wants me to go along with whatever her lawyer is asking for. I said I’ve been through hell with finding her with another man in our home while I was sleeping in our bed, then she abandoned our home, son etc. Then she wants to run things her way?!! I said I’m in pain and need time, his answer was, well we don’t want to go back and say we’re not going to sell.... I said I’m not saying that, but my son and I need time! She’s got a place to stay with her parents, we have to find somewhere to live, plus prepare the house for sale whilst living our lives!! I feel like I’m on my own!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Never trust a lawyer who is afraid to fight. However, sometimes NOT fighting promotes the best outcome. It's a tough distinction to have to make.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Never trust a lawyer who is afraid to fight. However, sometimes NOT fighting promotes the best outcome. It's a tough distinction to have to make.


I agree, it’s not that I even want to fight, but I also don’t want to be a door mat either!


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

latenightagony said:


> I also don’t want to be a door mat either!


That's the delicate balance. It sounds like you're on it. Keep it up.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

latenightagony said:


> I feel like I’m on my own!


You are. Get used to it. Your Interst comes first. The days of you looking out for her have expired. You must be prepared to fight for what is yours. Do not allow her to push you into making rash decisions. 

Tell her to "FK OFF". 



latenightagony said:


> she wants to run things her way



thats right.* Dont let her*. She's used to this and expects you to be the same compliant man she's used to. the doormat. those days are over!!!

*Stop talking about pain.* Her actions are over and done with as far as the outside world is concerned. Go No Contact. Speak as little as possible.Only about the divorce and son. Ingore her. Dont respond to texts. *Learn the grey rock and 180 technique*. Do that over the weekend. Theres probably reference to it on here someplace or online. Its effective.

Regarding the house listing. Easy. *Dont sign the listing agreement with the real estate agent*. Half the house is yours. You are not going to rush into selling it with a realtor of her choice. this is a complicated process. You need to look into it. For the time being you are staying put. BE FIRM. Tell the agent youre wife doesnt speak for you and you dont want to sell. No explanation. Good-bye. Dont get into her betrayal or any of that shyt. 

Tell your wife. Who made you the boss of my life? I run my own life and you are not a part of it. Do not make decisions on my behalf. Im not sure what I what to do. that's it. short sweet and goodbye. Make it clear you want nothing to do with her. It's over. Be assertive and confident!!!!

Find a divorce lawyer and file for divorce. You dont give a shyt what her divorce lawyer says you should do. Take your time. No rush in finding a lawyer haphazardly. It takes time for a case like yours to grind its way through the legal system. Get some recommendations. Dont be afraid to shop around. *Ask them directly about their billing practices.* Donjt be shy. Dont be afraid to tell the lawyer you have a consult with another lawyer. If you dont like the laywer, dump him fast. this process may take a few weeks. The court will understand if she files first. Just say Im currently seeking legal representation.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

latenightagony said:


> well we don’t want to go back and say we’re not going to sell..


What? Why not? Get rid of this guy. Its horrible leagl advice. The court may force a sale later on. Several months later. Dont worry about that now. You have to figure out what the property split is going to look like (you are no where near that point). Perhaps you can buy out her interest. Wife wants quick cash so she can furnish her new lifestyle. Dont allow her emotions to dictate your financial interests. 

You made the correct decision so far concerning the house.


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

manowar said:


> What? Why not? Get rid of this guy. Its horrible leagl advice. The court may force a sale later on. Several months later. Dont worry about that now. You have to figure out what the property split is going to look like (you are no where near that point). Perhaps you can buy out her interest. Wife wants quick cash so she can furnish her new lifestyle. Dont allow her emotions to dictate your financial interests.
> 
> You made the correct decision so far concerning the house.


Actually we already met with the realtor to get the listing value, we both agreed, then a week later she said she hadn’t heard anything from her lawyer re: us buying her out so she sent a letter to my lawyer stating she wants to now sell the house. My lawyer did in fact send hers a letter but it got stuck at her assistant ffs. She is being so greedy, the listing price we agreed on would give her $300K in her pocket, she wants more because of the current market and sales going hundreds of Ks over ask!


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Ok, sorry, totally new to this stuff. Would love to talk personally with OP since Im in a similar boat. Or others could say, explain and we'll give advice.

Any help appreciated..


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

the sale price is speculative. you don't have a fiduciary duty to get the highest price since this is your primary residence and you have no place to live. I'm of the opinion you don't want to sell. at least at this moment.

Do you want to buy her out? That will require an appraisal. Can you swing it? Assume you will have to get a mortgage.

If you want to buy her out and you are financially capable, a decrease in the market would benefit you. So what's the hurry?
You've got leverage. A buyout requires negotiation. If you cant swing it, then maybe you'd want to go for the highest bidder. These are your decisions. 

the bottom line is that *you are not obligated into a quick listing based on supposed market conditions.* Follow my advice above on how to handle it.

I suggest you hold off on these decisions* until you obtain competent legal counsel.* Do not put too much credence into real estate agents. they want listings and commissions. maybe you want to list it online with a reduced commission. A discount real estate agent. these are issues to think about.

You don't have to make these life-changing decisions in a matter of days because other parties are pressuring you to do so. She's going to be pissed. So what. maybe she shouldn't fk another man in your house when you are asleep.

If they say; "I thought you wanted to sell". You changed your mind. discussion over. You have leverage. You own half of the property. You have to figure out what's best for you.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Free help is hard, lol.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

Fedor said:


> Free help is hard, lol.


I think I'll try a new thread since I'm looking for any replies.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Fedor said:


> Ok, sorry, totally new to this stuff. Would love to talk personally with OP since Im in a similar boat. Or others could say, explain and we'll give advice.
> 
> Any help appreciated..



FEDOR: 

You can start your own thread with your own issues. Looks like a thread hijack.


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## Fedor (May 8, 2021)

manowar said:


> FEDOR:
> 
> You can start your own thread with your own issues. Looks like a thread hijack.


my bad. sorry


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

manowar said:


> the sale price is speculative. you don't have a fiduciary duty to get the highest price since this is your primary residence and you have no place to live. I'm of the opinion you don't want to sell. at least at this moment.
> 
> Do you want to buy her out? That will require an appraisal. Can you swing it? Assume you will have to get a mortgage.
> 
> ...


This was our intent (my son’s and mine, he makes good money too), to purchase her interest in the house. She wasn’t telling me everything either (surprise), she is going after spousal support. So for me to get a new mortgage I have to get a signed separation agreement, if she gets spousal support then that lowers my income. After we met with the realtor she even told me she wanted to see us keep the house, then within a week she changed her mind. For this reason I am sure she is being coached by the POS!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Does adultery nullify spousal support in Canada? That an attorney question but.....


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Does adultery nullify spousal support in Canada? That an attorney question but.....


In the eyes of the law it doesn’t mean a goddam thing!
Well, it does, under normal circumstances you can’t file for divorce until one year after the date of separation, but if you can prove adultery you can apply immediately.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

latenightagony said:


> This was our intent (my son’s and mine, he makes good money too), to purchase her interest in the house. She wasn’t telling me everything either (surprise), she is going after spousal support. So for me to get a new mortgage I have to get a signed separation agreement, if she gets spousal support then that lowers my income. After we met with the realtor she even told me she wanted to see us keep the house, then within a week she changed her mind. For this reason I am sure she is being coached by the POS!


this is a good post that indicates your financial interest and awareness of the matter.

You have a number of open issues. A separation agreement, spousal support, property distribution, buy-out. You are not in a position to list your primary asset.

Get a competent lawyer, please, who will guide you through this. Again get some recommendations and take your time finding legal counsel. Google some in your area. they all have websites. You won't get beat this time!


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Does adultery nullify spousal support in Canada?



Canada is liberal/feminism paradise. far gone. The answer. Men in Canada should avoid marriage. Just Say No!


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

manowar said:


> Canada is liberal/feminism paradise. far gone. The answer. Men in Canada should avoid marriage. Just Say No!


This ^^^


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Show the courts that she’s been cheating. Get the divorce faster!
Buy out her share of the house and have the house recorded in your name before the court shows the divorce being finalized.

Be glad you’re done with her. She’s been checked out for a long while.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

latenightagony said:


> It’s not that, he just wants me to go along with whatever her lawyer is asking for. I said I’ve been through hell with finding her with another man in our home while I was sleeping in our bed, then she abandoned our home, son etc. Then she wants to run things her way?!! I said I’m in pain and need time, his answer was, well we don’t want to go back and say we’re not going to sell.... I said I’m not saying that, but my son and I need time! She’s got a place to stay with her parents, we have to find somewhere to live, plus prepare the house for sale whilst living our lives!! I feel like I’m on my own!


Your lawyer is bonkers -- sounds like he is in cahoots with HER lawyer. Yeah, you need a new one ASAP -- one who is going to advocate for YOU and NOT be on her side.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

manowar said:


> FEDOR:
> 
> You can start your own thread with your own issues. Looks like a thread hijack.


Agreed -- start your own thread and explain what is going on -- you will get a ton of help!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> Show the courts that she’s been cheating. Get the divorce faster!
> Buy out her share of the house and have the house recorded in your name before the court shows the divorce being finalized.
> 
> Be glad you’re done with her. She’s been checked out for a long while.


Expose her to family, friends etc -- OR just suggest you WILL to get her to be more compliant


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

OP........ how are you holding up?


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## latenightagony (Apr 20, 2021)

It’s been around 5 months since I last posted here and thought I would give an update. We ended up listing the house and of course with today’s market here it sold no problem for $200K over asking price. She knew how much we would get and the greed she has is clearly showing. My oldest son and I have found a house to rent and will live together for now. All communication is still going 100% through the lawyers. Oh and I did find a new lawyer and she is with a larger firm here. Finding a real estate lawyer (that we both agreed on) proved to be another huge cost. My lawyer asked me if she could recommend a lawyer within her firm, I said sure, she did, but her lawyer declined saying their could end up being a conflict. So then her lawyer recommended one and it turns out he is with the same firm that my last lawyer was with ffs! I asked our realtor for a recommendation and he did, which I forwarded on to my lawyer. Long story short, there was so much back and forth and a mistake by our realtor and in the end she agreed to go with the one our realtor recommended. This likely cost each of us $1K ffs!! This could have all been avoided with one simple phone call. She still hasn’t spoken to our oldest son either in months. Months ago he went to her parents (his grandparents) home to talk to her, all three of them never reached out to him other than his mother sending him emails, and texts from his grandparents and these were few and far between!! None of them have ever picked up a phone and actually tried calling him, and it hurts me to see this. He went to see his mother one day at her place and they all acted like nothing has happened and just saying “oh we haven’t seen you in a while”!! Anyway he tried having a conversation with his mother and was asking her questions about what she has done and why and she just started crying and got up and walked away. My son just left and hasn’t seen any of them since (probably 4-5 months ago). He only gets the odd email from his mother, the lady one I ****ing lost it! She says something to the effect of “I wish you would just leave the past behind and move on, I miss you terribly yada, yada….” He is so hurt by what she did and I told him she needs to own up to what she did and apologize to him, but that obviously isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Her and her parents ****ing disgust me to no end! She is going after me for spousal support and her lawyer says in her calculations it’s going to be around $2K/mo.!!! Then asks that I will agree to begin paying her this after the house closes (Nov. 26th). We haven’t even looked at any of the calculations yet or discussed this. If I have to pay her this amount she will be making more money than me? Wtf? How is this even possible? She has also recently turned our daughter against me, using her to get a visit with our dog. Since the start of this and when I was going through hell dealing with this I had my 13-14 yr. old dog with me and had to leave her at home alone for 12 hours a day while my son and I were at work. She was peeing everywhere and it hurt me to see her like this she I ended up getting my sister and mother to look after her which ended up becoming full time and they now just have the dog. Anyway not once during the past 10 months did anyone ask how the dog was doing or anything, for all they knew she could have died. Then out of the blue my daughter messaged my sister about getting the dog for a day, she told me and I messaged my daughter and asked her about this, she got all upset that she had to ask to see the family pet, I knew she was doing this for her mother and she admitted it to me. She now isn’t talking to me and left me a vm saying if I wanted to burn bridges then I just did? Wow, just unbelievable what is happening to me. My life has been turned upside down and just keeps getting worse!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t be surprised at her actions. Stay no contact.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Trash begot trash..... Your daughter is impressionable, reason she is where she is. Your WW is a strout and

her family isn't much help at all. Best to rid yourself of her, you know that. You're just "used" to being

with someone....110% normal. Remember....who she IS, not who she WAS. It's you and your son for 

now. Spend time doing guy stuff. She will one day have to explain things to her son.


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