# Love vs. Attraction



## joyspirals (May 13, 2010)

Hi everybody, 

Thank you for listening to my story. 
I am 30 years old married for 4 years with no children to a wonderful man- Wonderful!
He is caring, loving, funny and intelligent- really anything you can ask for. I am truly blessed, and I am grateful for that on a daily basis. We are each other´s best friends. 
We started off as roommates, so really right from the start we were living together and had a great time. And really I fell l in love with him because of his amazing character. I was never wildly attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong- he is very handsome, and I often see girls look at him, but sexually we don’t click. 
We never did. 
Only that it started to bother me about a year ago. 
We talk quite freely about that subject. I obviously didn’t tell him that I don’t find him very attractive. But I did tell him that I don’t like the way we make love. 
Sometimes I feel that we are best friends- roommates- but we don’t have this immense passion that is so lovely to have between couples. 
I did have it before: this crazy attraction that just by looking at the guy the fire stars to burn you. It is such a wonderful feeling. I was with this guy for 2 years and I was happy, but not as happy as I am with my husband. My husband really feels Right to me on every level, is just that I don’t feel like having sex with him. And when we do, is quite boring. Although almost always I reach an orgasm, so it´s not that it is horrible. But I must be honest usually when I cum it´s because I fantasize on other men or things, and not because I am really present with him.
But really, if I do try to be present with him- sometimes I even get turned off. 
I don’t really like his smell, he gained even more weight (although he´s maybe just 10kg overweight), and he is very clumsy so it feels as if he isn’t connected to his body, like he would move in a strange way to me. He can be too rough (which can be enjoyable sometimes, but when it is just this- it is boring), he is not very romantic or creative. And because I am not turned on than I would also kind of shut off my imagination, so you see it´s like a vicious circle. 
I don’t think that there is something wrong with him, or with me- it´s just that we don´t match each other on this one. I am sure a lot of girls would love the way he is in bed and the same for me. It is just that we are not compatible on this one.
From his point of view, if I may present it from what I think I know, than I would say that he is very happy with me, he finds me attractive, and that he notices that I am not madly attracted to him, which I can imagine that it must be very difficult for him. 
We both think that he does his best, like he asks me very often what I want and tries to be more sensual rather than just going for the goal and in the same same way every time. 

But I think that our ¨problem¨ (I don’t think that it´s the end of the world, I am sure most couples face this sort of a problem in their marriage), is Not just about learning new techniques etc. it´s deeper than that. I simply don’t find him attractive. If he would learn all the great tricks, put a good perfume etc. maybe it would get much better- but I honestly think that it´s something very subtle, maybe on an energetic level, if that makes any sense…
I was asking myself whether I was just making a drama, looking for problems when there is none, but the honest answer I could give myself after a very long self-inquiry is that really I am not madly attracted to him. That´s it.
I have been in long term relationships that there was always this sexual tension, looks, games between us and it was so much fun. I miss that. 
However, none of my ex´s suited me like my husband does, so really I am very happy with him. 
It’s just that we have to work on it, and it is very disappointing and difficult to work on something that is so deep, natural, primitive- if you want. Sex is always associate with something in us which is animalistic, it´s not something I want to approach with my brain: understanding the other, thinking about how to pleasure him, rather I want to flow- knowing that whatever I do, it is exactly for his taste and that he feels the same way.
I find it very challenging to be able to flow with him. I know that what I do in bed isn´t exactly his first choice either. I know what he masturbates on (we talk very freely on these topics), and so he knows about me, and really we are completely different. 
In fact, we are different in Everything, only that in all the other fields in our lives it feels right, but on my sexuality I don’t want to compromise and to understand- I want what my body wants. Again, I don’t want to make love from my intellect, I want to make love from my senses. 
The thing is, that I know what I want, I have a very clear picture of how sex feels right to me. And I guess I am very identified with it. And therefore also less open to other styles, smells etc.

I would love to hear your points of view; I would love to hear if you had any similar experiences or if you just want to share your story.
Thank you very much for being there for me. 
I wish you all the best in your life with your beloved ones.

Joy


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Cool story!! I guess the take away is you can't have everything 

I really can't relate too much. My wife is the most adventerous, open, wild at times, woman I have ever been with. We talk often about what makes us "hot" and what we like and that makes it fun. 
That doesn't mean I don't have memories and recollections of other previous lovers though. Some were better at certain things, so what, I wouldn't trade my wife for any of them. 

I'm sure I'm not everything to her either or the best at everything, but she married me! Our physical life is awesome!! I can relate to one part though. The other day my wife was swimming at a neighbors house with the kids and the other "married women" slightly older then us 5-7yrs wanted to know where I was. My wife was like "Why?" they all said we just want to see him in some "trunks" and nothing else. My wife was like "My husband" and later on when we talked about it she said it not's like "I don't think your attractive, but they were just like bring him down come on!" They think I'm such a stud, "He's so built" "I just wanna see that body", and again my wife is like "Really?".

When you spend 10-15 years with someone it takes alot of communication, imagination, openness to keep it fresh. I don't think you'll ever replace that "hot butterfly feeling" you get when your young and crazy. You just can't keep that going we become accustomed it's human nature.

For me being married 10yrs+ our sex life is awesome and I can't complain at all. Good luck and unfortunately you just have to keep talking about it......


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

A couple days ago, I told the story here on the forum about a guy I dated who taught me everything sexually. I was accustomed to being with good looking guys, but he was not good looking at all. He was also overweight by a lot, so I was not sexually attracted to him at all, but he blew my mind in bed.

I can think of someone I was extremely attracted to but when it finally happened, it was like letting the air out of a balloon. My attraction rapidly fizzled into utter disappointment.

You say you orgasm but primarily because you fantasize about someone other than your husband. The fact is, he is the one who brings you to orgasm because he is the one you're having sex with. If I am with a guy I can't cum with, no matter how much fantasizing I do, I am not going to get there unless I masturbate at the same time as having sex, which guy #1 above taught me to do. So is that what you mean? That you bring yourself to orgasm? Otherwise, I don't understand you saying he makes you orgasm, yet you don't attribute the orgasm to him.

I guess you can tell I am trying to say I'm confused and don't understand what you're trying to tell us. Based on my own experiences, either a guy and I are good in bed together or we're not, and that has nothing to do with whether I am already hot for him. Therefore, I learned that initial sexual attraction doesn't mean a whole lot. So, I'm unable to relate to what you're saying.

Perhaps you were reluctant to offer specifics thinking it would be too graphic. And perhaps you were right, but the generalities are confusing, I guess.

You said something about the way he moves, and that reminds of a guy who, I guess he moved weird because his pelvic bone jarred against my pelvic bone. It was annoying and it hurt. I couldn't tell if anything else was going on because of that pain LOL. It was the weirdest thing.

You are not sexually attracted to him. Can you pinpoint the reason? For example, I cannot get into guys who are knock-kneed. I also dislike droopy shoulders. You say he's good looking and other women find him attractive, so what is it that impedes your attraction? Or, is it that you just don't click in bed, so you can't be attracted to him for that reason?

Speaking of not clicking in bed, is it his prowess? Perhaps a little clumsy? Not dominant enough? Not confident enough? Not big enough? Not small enough? Not experienced enough?

And why not ask him to wear cologne?

I'm really confused. LOL


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## joyspirals (May 13, 2010)

So is that what you mean? That you bring yourself to orgasm? Otherwise, I don't understand you saying he makes you orgasm, yet you don't attribute the orgasm to him.

*No, I actually reach an orgasm thanks to him. So what i mean is not that the sex is bad, because when we do have sex is mostly pretty good. what i mean is that i dont find him really hot. like the way he is wouldn't turn me on. 
*


You are not sexually attracted to him. Can you pinpoint the reason? For example, I cannot get into guys who are knock-kneed. I also dislike droopy shoulders. You say he's good looking and other women find him attractive, so what is it that impedes your attraction? Or, is it that you just don't click in bed, so you can't be attracted to him for that reason?
*
he is handsome, so really he looks very nice, he is tall, has a very nice face, and he is really funny so that´s charming. 
I am not madly attracted to him and never really was, because well..mostly his sloppy posture, overweight, bad mouth smell (we think he is allergic to some food substance, we just didn't discover what that is), but mostly to the way he sees sex. 
He likes really kinky sex, which i can enjoy as well, but when something is just That- than you know.. it gets boring. and also he really likes powerful women, which is fun too to play with, but to me sex isn´t about playing a power game, it´s about empowering both partners. 
i dont want to empower myself by putting him down. and he would often ask for that. 
so that bothers me as well. 
*


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

ahhhhh I think I see now. I understand what you mean you just want to make love and not have to think about it.

hhmmmmm Sounds like he wants you to dominate him. This doesn't have to necessarily go all out into S&M kind of domination. I'm thinking of another lifestyle for you to consider. Some men want to be dominated and want to please their wife, which means it isn't necessarily sexual all the time. It means he wants to submit to you. For him, pleasing you also involves things you ask him to do, like wash the dishes or clean the bathroom or rub your feet. He can live his submissive lifestyle every day, and you get a lot of chores done around the house LOL, but no one else has to know. Ask him if this is what he wants. If he says yes, then you assume the role of gentle and loving, but dominant, female. The best part is you only take this as far as you want it to go. Sometimes you dominate him in bed. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you control his orgasms and don't allow him to release. Sometimes you don't control him. Sometimes you allow him to tease you sexually but don't allow it to go further. You never say thank you when he does things you ask him to do, but you do praise his job well done. Another aspect is you are also the dominant household figure head of the household - meaning you both discuss finances and other household concerns, but the ultimate decision is yours.

This is called Loving Female Authority. Read up on it and see how it can benefit you and your relationship. Right now, I think you find it a little frustrating, but I think that is probably due to not understanding what your man needs. And all he needs is to please you. I don't know if you will adapt to this role as it presents a whole new dynamic in your relationship, but I think it's worth trying at least for a short while to determine if it is or is not for you. Just don't dismiss out of hand because it can be very beneficial for you, both in the bedroom and out.


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