# Need some male input please...



## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Not sure if this is allowed but thought Id try to get a mans point of view.
Sooo. yes, IM a female, married going on 7 years. I am frustrated that my spouse doesn't want to get intimate as much as I do.
I am fit, workout often, weigh 110 so that isnt an issue that Im not taking care of myself.
So here is the scenario which happens quite often.
He is aware that I have wanted some for about a week now., subtle comments nothing pathetic.
Nothing happens, then I find porn on his computer. If Im taken care of that stuff doesn't bother me but when Im left without ...
it is a huge issue for me. 
I sent him a racy text today with no response on the text at all.
Im starting to think he is seeing someone else. Any thoughts on this?


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

"He is aware that I have wanted some for about a week now., subtle comments nothing pathetic."

How about "Honey, I'd like to have sex more often. If there is a physical reason why you can't, let's see a doctor. Otherwise, you need to talk to me about why you aren't interested. This marriage must have intimacy to work so we have to figure this out together."


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Hi Chet,

He knows this is an issue. He gets help with the blue pills, and has low testosterone so gets those injections as well. My issue is that if he doesn't have interest with me then why or how can he have interest in online porn? He always tells me that it's not me that Im hot.... but still nothing. It's just very frustrating. I don't know if online is just a fast release for him without having to bother with anything else??


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

Sandy

Follow Chet's advice, have a discussion with him. I am feeling the opposite from my W. Talks have done nothing for us, she refuses counseling as well, but...

Perhaps you can break through on why is the way he is. I can tell you that as a guy, Porn does allow for instant/quicker gratification with little effort. It also doesn't make me feel guilty because our infrequent sex may not be meeting her expectations.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

I calmly spoke with him last night. All he does is deny the porn.
So the issue doesn't really get resolved. He is the only one that can access his computer. 
I have stepped back. Im tired of him not wanting to be with me, even once a month and I would be happy. I think if he can be honest with why he does it or what the problem is then we can move forward, but he never does so I am giving up for now.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

What does "giving up" mean? No being a wise-ass, I am also to the point where I am ready to give up. I would love to find porn on my wife's pc, I would love to find a pulse. Sometimes I think she lost her "soul". The person that I fell in love with when having long talks about deeply personal subjects is long gone by a person that gives me blank stares and hurts me when we discuss our marital problems. Good times, good times.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Not in our marriage... just in trying to get him to notice me.
Our talks are fine when he is home. He just started a new job and is putting in long hours. I guess giving up as in giving him space and waiting for him to come around and really talk about it. Right now I am cordial to him but not affectionate. (no hugs, kisses, massages... )
Yeah I think any guy would like to know their wife is into porn! 
That seems to be a turn on for guys. 
Sorry to hear your wife won't go to counseling it sounds like that is needed.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

We are OK otherwise, just insulting when you have an "itch" and the other person refuses to "scratch" it.

When I posted my frsutration about a month ago some folks gave me some great advice to do exactly what you are planning. I have been doing my best, we had a very bad talk one night and then a good one the next where she committed to getting better. But, we are 3 weeks into it and there have been zero changes. I too am at the point where I am giving up on expecting/hoping my sex life gets better, more fulfilling. 

I just hope that I can "shut it down", enjoy the rest of the marriage and ignore the sexual impulses.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Agreed on the scratching the itch part.
Hmmm ... I will have to go find your old posts and read your responses. 
So if I understand you correctly you want it ... your wife doesn't and it wouldn't bother you that she was getting satisfaction from porn, as oppossed to you. So to you ... that is ok.
I know everyone thinks and feels differently but to me that is a slap in the face.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

Oh no - I was just saying that I would love to have her show a pulse, but her getting satisfied with porn and not me would be unacceptable. 

Sorry for the misunderstanding.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

wow...so I just heard from husband on my racy text that I sent him yesterday. I basically asked if he had a conversion van I could test drive and if he had his viagra on him.(he is a car salesman).. So he calls today and he happens to have his viagra on him.... AT WORK? ( I had to tell him that was from yesterday before I found his pretty little pictures on his computer.)
Am I crazy ??? Is that a big red flag??


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

Do you any reason not to trust him? If the answer is no, than I don't think it is a big red flag. But, certainly something I would ask about


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

things are just a little off. 
1. Im not getting any (this isn't new though, has been ongoing)
2. porn
3. his long work hours (8am - 8:30p or later... I know he can have clients come in that will put him behind but everyday?)
4. now him having viagra at work.... why would anyone bring it there unless they plan on using it??
I will ask him tonight why he had it there, I didn't want to do it over the phone while we were both at work.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

#4 is the curious one to me, why would he have it there? Fortunately, I don't know those drugs work, so there's no chance he would need to take before leaving work if he had intentions of "servicing" you, right? And why risk having one of the most recognizable pills in the world in a testosterone filled workplace, I know if one of my male buddies reached in his desk for a stapler and I saw the little blue pills I would bust his chops endlessly. (it would have to be a buddy that I am comfortable with)


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

k, just stopped by to pick up some paperwork from him. 
He said he was kidding that he never had the pills there.
He knew that we would never do that since he is new to the job that he was playing along with me. So guess I overeacted on that one. So now its back to laying low till he comes.... around.
Oh and he is not ashamed or embarrassed to tell people he takes them. He says its a dysfunction and he has help with medicine. He has always been the confident type and never cares what others think about him or poke fun at him. He also has mentioned our age difference and that he needs them for me ... we are a 10 yr difference.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

First, never ask a question that has a yes or no answer.

"Have you been watching porn?"

"no."

End of discussion.

"Honey, I know you watch porn. That's fine with me. I kind of like long romantic stuff. What kind do you prefer? When can we watch some together."

Notice that the issue has moved past "Do you" because it is already assumed and not part of the discussion.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Hi Chet,
We have watched it together and about 2-3 months ago that conversation came up ... at that time he was keeping me plenty happy and porn came up. I told him I am fine with him watching as long as Im taken care of ... but if all he does is watch it and take care of himself when Im not around then that's when I will have a problem. 
So I don't know why he choose to say no this week that he wasn't watching it? I guess because he knows he hasn't kept me happy??


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hard to tell form such little information.
Could I ask a couple quesitons?

How old is hubby?
If he is being treated for low testosterone...
Is this by his regular doctor?
Is he tested for "free" testosterone AND is he tested regularly to see how well the treatment is working?

If his drive is not up, maybe its not enough? Change type of testosterone?

Porn:
Is it "possible" that he is using that as a way to test his own "readiness"?
Seeing how much or not it gets him off? Trying to feel it come back?

I dont think anyone "wants" to be sexless or have low drive. Seems people dont always have a choice. you either want it or you dont. No matter what he SAYS or how confident, there isnt anyone who wouldnt qquietly/secretly wish to be the most virile.


Poopy situation. I would secretly UP his dose of testosterone 

I guess my main "thing" or point would be that it seems he already has been diagnosed with low testoserone and uses viagra so, you simply cant take it personal. Crap and add new job (stress) on top of that and not recipe for "kaboom" hahaha.

Again very little detail, but with the diagnosis, its only "mental" due to the hormone defficiency issue.

How long has he been treated for that?


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Vino.... I guess my frustrations were mainly that if he isn't able to perform with me, due to low test. how or why can he enjoy the porn? 
I never thought about him using it to test his own readiness, so thanks for that...
He is 46 has been on test. since before we married, so at least 8 years. He gets it through the VA. 
Now that you speak of upping his test. I just looked yesterday and 
we have 2 vials that I haven't injected in him yet so he is probably really really low. 
This still goes back to my frustrations though... that even if he is low 
he still has urges to look elsewhere???? Oh well... guess I will just shoot him up tonight!!


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Sad_in_NY said:


> I just hope that I can "shut it down", enjoy the rest of the marriage and ignore the sexual impulses.


I "shut it down" for years. I had to in order to keep my sanity. Of course the root of the problem never went away and I ended up divorced. Not that I am advising that as a course of action but it was necessary for me to find happiness.


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