# Divorce busting recommendations



## clareswan

Help! Has anyone been successful with Mort Fertel's Lone Ranger program or other programs for divorce busting if one wants out and the other doesn't? Husband wants divorce and we are in our third month of separation. I miss him


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## GusPolinski

clareswan said:


> Help! Has anyone been successful with Mort Fertel's Lone Ranger program or other programs for divorce busting if one wants out and the other doesn't? Husband wants divorce and we are in our third month of separation. I miss him


What led to your separation?


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## clareswan

We have been fighting this last year since I lost my job. And now I get the I like you but I am not in love with you spiel. I got some texts when we first separated but I was doing LC and he stopped!!


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## Blossom Leigh

Whose idea was it to separate?


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## Johnconrad

Does he have someone else?


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## GusPolinski

Johnconrad said:


> Does he have someone else?


Seems likely.


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## Blossom Leigh

Agreed


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## clareswan

His idea to separate. And he used to show me his emails. Phone had no password. I did not check the phone. Our common friends have seen him eat alone or meet his buddies, no OW.


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## Blossom Leigh

What reasons does he cite for needing to leave?


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## clareswan

We were both angry and he said he liked me but was not in love with me. I said the same to him but I did not mean it. That's when he said that we should get a divorce if neither of us loved the other because there was no hope for our marriage. He does not want a lifetime of fights. I also don't want fights. We fought about his habit of not helping at home and my disrespect for him according to his family. They think asking a man to help at home and fighting is disrespectful. His family has not liked me from the beginning and he was living with his parents. Now he is looking at another place to live. On the website it looked like I could start Mort Fertel's Lone Ranger program first, but it is not cheap!!!!!


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## Blossom Leigh

Chronic fighting is certainly a love buster.


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## GusPolinski

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

How many children do you have?

What do the two of you do for work?

Where are the two of you from? With which culture/ethnicity do you identify? Where do you currently live?


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## clareswan

We are in our early 30s. Together 5 years, married 3. No kids but we had talked about starting a family next year. We are in Chicago area where he grew up. He is from a rich family and I am not. They get help every week to clean and his family tells him that if I can't do the work, I should not ask him to help but get a maid every week. I think that is expensive when we have a single income and want to start a family next year. He had told me about wanting to earn more because his parents always buy whatever they want. I tell him we have to save even if he made more money in case he lost his job too and he gets angry with me? :scratchhead:


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## Blossom Leigh

clareswan said:


> We are in our early 30s. Together 5 years, married 3. No kids but we had talked about starting a family next year. We are in Chicago area where he grew up. He is from a rich family and I am not. They get help every week to clean and his family tells him that if I can't do the work, I should not ask him to help but get a maid every week. I think that is expensive when we have a single income and want to start a family next year. He had told me about wanting to earn more because his parents always buy whatever they want. I tell him we have to save even if he made more money in case he lost his job too and he gets angry with me? :scratchhead:


Ohhhhh..... He is married to his family, not you.

So sorry.


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## SleeplessInTO

Hi, I can't help but ask... just how aggressively did you talk with your husband and what was his behavior? How is your marriage overall - were you both happy or unhappy? 

I am sorry, I am not trying to blame you but just trying to understand the dynamics. I am going through a separation and at first blamed my husband too. Then I realized that I was trying to control his behaviors more than I should and in a way he could not handle. I am not saying you take the blame, but have you considered your _contribution _and how it might have been perceived by your husband? 

Could your husband be feeling pressure from his family to earn more so he can keep up the appearances and feel like he is between a rock and a hard place? 

Sorry, I can't help you with your original question. But I have to say I am now curious about this program.


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## Blossom Leigh

SleeplessInTO said:


> Hi, I can't help but ask... just how aggressively did you talk with your husband and what was his behavior? How is your marriage overall - were you both happy or unhappy?
> 
> I am sorry, I am not trying to blame you but just trying to understand the dynamics. I am going through a separation and at first blamed my husband too. Then I realized that I was trying to control his behaviors more than I should and in a way he could not handle. I am not saying you take the blame, but have you considered your _contribution _and how it might have been perceived by your husband?
> 
> Could your husband be feeling pressure from his family to earn more so he can keep up the appearances and feel like he is between a rock and a hard place?
> 
> Sorry, I can't help you with your original question. But I have to say I am now curious about this program.


Very important point..


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## clareswan

We shout at each other. I know what you are saying and I am sorry!!! That's why I want to do Mort's Lone Ranger! Maybe he feels the pressure from his family but I can't do anything. I wish I could find a way to explain just how bad it can be to overspend. Many of my friends live with debt and it. is. not. fun.


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## Blossom Leigh

clareswan said:


> We shout at each other. I know what you are saying and I am sorry!!! That's why I want to do Mort's Lone Ranger! Maybe he feels the pressure from his family but I can't do anything. I wish I could find a way to explain just how bad it can be to overspend. Many of my friends live with debt and it. is. not. fun.



Hun, your request for him to not rack up debt is reasonable.

Him putting his family over you is not.

Screaming is not ok on either part.

He is bullying you with the power of his family. That is an abusive attitude and you do not have to accept that.

Stand on your truth about reasonable spending.


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## GusPolinski

clareswan said:


> We shout at each other. I know what you are saying and I am sorry!!! That's why I want to do Mort's Lone Ranger! Maybe he feels the pressure from his family but I can't do anything. I wish I could find a way to explain just how bad it can be to overspend. Many of my friends live with debt and it. is. not. fun.


Debt is slavery.


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## clareswan

That is exactly what I said! Debt is no way to start a family! But right now I want to bring him back and try to work out differences like adults. He used to laugh at his family and their spending habits! Anyone has recommendation for any method or program that worked as a divorce buster?


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## Blossom Leigh

I would recommend the books:

You don't have to take it anymore

And

Boundaries


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## clareswan

Is there no way to even try to stop a divorce? Has no one on TAM been able to turn around such situations? The books don't sound like they can salvage a crisis like divorce  I am trying to check out your link called Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation but it isn't working. P.s. Thanks!!!


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## Blossom Leigh

The thread was deleted. 

I will build another one, but in the mean time, the issues I hear are boundary issues and constructive communication issues. Both of those books address those issues. At the end of the day, if he wants out, you are not going to be able to stop him. Has he filed yet?

I know this is a personal question... Are you a woman of faith and if so, which one?


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## clareswan

I don't follow any particular faith and neither does he. He has not filed yet but tells me he wants to file as soon as possible. We did NC and LC but now I don't know what to do next.


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## Blossom Leigh

What is NC and LC?


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## DayOne

No Contact (the 180) and Low Contact.


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## Blossom Leigh

Thanks D1

As much as I would like to tell you to chase him down and drag him home, I think your best energies are to focus on creating your single life. If he wakes up, then you can reconsider, but you need to stand on your own two feet right now and learn to let him go. Work on yourself Hun as much as I know you want some way to turn this around, if he is that far gone tightening your grip will propel him out the door faster. Reconciliation only works when capacity and willingness is present in both parties. Right now he is not willing... And as I type this it dawns on me to ask... Have you asked him what it would take to reconcile?


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## clareswan

Yes, I asked him about that and he said he was not sure. The fights are not his idea of fun. He says I worry too much and don't enjoy the present.


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## Blossom Leigh

Translation: He wants a calm, fun wife and doesn't know how to get around the one that is not.


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