# New Info from my wife's affair 6 years ago



## Rcox230

I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.

Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.

I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


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## skerzoid

You answered your own question; if she would have told you the truth, you wouldn't have married her.


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## syhoybenden

Had you known earlier this probably would have been sufficient for an annulment.


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## Rob_1

skerzoid said:


> You answered your own question; if she would have told you the truth, you wouldn't have married her.


By his demeanor and narrative, I doubt very much that he wouldn't have marry her. Even now that he actually knows the real truth, he doesn't know what to do. He is so afraid that he doesn't know if he has the balls to confront her. Even when and if he confronts her the most likely scenario would be him eventually taking her back, and to her except for the inconvenience of being find out there will be no major repercussions. That's my take we seen it so many times, that is almost a "sure thing". hope that I'm wrong and the OP finds his balls, self respect and dignity and tells her to **** off out his life.


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## Dictum Veritas

Your marriage is built on a lie. Do you want to build further and waste more years when that is the foundation? See a lawyer and have her served. You might want to keep exposure of the videos in your back pocket in order to negotiate a better deal in the divorce.


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## Diana7

For me the lies would be just as bad as the cheating. If you have no children I cant see any reason to stay. 
How can you possibly ever trust a thing she says? 

May be worth saying that you don't think she told you all if it and that you want her to take a lie detector test. See what her reaction is.

She married you under false pretences. You ask if you should just leave it alone. Really?


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## jorgegene

wow. this sounds like a major dealbreaker. I mean 'cmon man!' (to quote the president). one thing you need to clarify.
exactly when did this affair occur? is it for sure her in the videos? if it was during your actual engagement period, no self respecting man would tolerate this.
this is horrible, graphic, not to mention unethical (having an affair with an underling). this was cold blooded cheating of the highest magnitude.
she's a skank.


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## Tested_by_stress

First up.....why would you marry someone knowing she cheated? Secondly, sit her down in front of the screen one coming evening. Put the videos on and make her watch. Then hand her divorce papers. In a perfect world, you should be able to sue her for fraud!


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## Al_Bundy

Download and save the vids to the cloud in at least two places. Keep quiet about it, let this be your ace in the hole. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are, maybe your state still has at fault. Main thing is to get your plan together now. Then act. Don't waver. You should have dumped her 6yrs ago.


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## jsmart

Should you ignore it? Please tell me that’s not even something you’re considering. Do you want to stay married and start a family with a woman who was doing porn while engaged to you? Can you imagine having your close friends and relatives see videos of your wife performing wanton sex acts with who knows how many guys? Or worse, a future son finding videos of his mom? 

I advise that you run from this. There are few guys who can be in a relationship with a former sex worker. The great majority are not able to and I’m getting the vibe that you’re a regular guy that will be emotionally torn apart by what you have seen.


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## Captain Obvious

She lied to you at least 4 times 6 years ago about her affair, who knows what else she's been lying about. She also told you to basically shut up about it and get over it. Now she's an amateur internet porn star. Why would you want to stay with this woman??? Talk to a lawyer, save the evidence, and get out.


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## Rcox230

I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed. But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


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## Captain Obvious

Rcox230 said:


> I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed. But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


Their Cheating mother nuked their Christmas, not you.


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## GC1234

Do you have the videos in your possession as evidence? Do you know when those videos were created (as opposed to posted)? Doesn't excuse it, because she lied and said they did it half a time, when you have evidence of otherwise. I would imagine this is grounds for an annulment if you want it. Wait til after X-mas to do this.


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## Zedd

well, have a plan.

Start with something like - I DO NOT want this to affect Christmas for the boys, but, there's 0% chance I'll be able to behave in a way that won't have you suspicious or knowing something is wrong. Here's why. Then show the videos.


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## jonty30

She


Rcox230 said:


> I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed. But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


Your boys are depending on you to show them how they should act should they find their girlfriends/spouses unfaithful to them.

I only suggest that you don't risk pregnancy with her from here until after Christmas, since it looks like you're heading to a divorce.


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## MattMatt

@Rcox230 Are you 100% certain the videos are your wife? There have been instances of mistaken identity with such videos.

It's very unlikely she knows he published the videos, it is is her in them.


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## BigDaddyNY

MattMatt said:


> @Rcox230 Are you 100% certain the videos are your wife? There have been instances of mistaken identity with such videos.
> 
> It's very unlikely she knows he published the videos, it is is her in them.


I was wondering the same thing. Is it irrefutable that it is her in the videos? There are lots of fake stuff out there and sometimes people have damn near twins out there. A female friend of ours had someone send her a nude pic from a porn sight that was supposedly her. It sure did look a lot like her, but there were some clues that it wasn't actually her. 

Even if it isn't her in the videos, I would still probably be worried. She trickle-truthed and has changed her story. Also, the bit about he didn't really put it all the way in, what a total load of crap. Ain't no man alive that only puts the tip in while in a lustful moment like that. You have a cheater and a liar on your hands. Is that really someone you want to grow old with?


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## Rob_1

Rcox230 said:


> I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. *That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed.* But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


Divorce does not mean you not longer get to have your children. It only means that you will have them 50% of the time +/-, and you can actually have a better quality time we them rather than more time.
Those that stay in a sham of a marriage because of children, do so at their own expense. Children will grow and mature and eventually find out and understand why you left or not. Respect for you will depends on what you do and how you do it. Children can gauge and understand even if only instinctively what's going on. They know when the parents love each other, when they have a stable home. When they grow in dysfunctional home they think that that's the normal, and they will follow with the same pattern. So, as painful as it may be, once the marriage is broken to that point is better for the children two happy homes than a miserable one. That, plus you get to keep your dignity and self-respect. I for one without hesitation, as much as it would rip my heart out would divorce, but I'm not you. You do you, and for the rest of your live with the consequences of your decisions, one way or the other, but at least with the most obvious choice (divorce), I would live with my chin high, and my dignity and self-respect intact.


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## BigDaddyNY

Also, curious about the "friend" that emailed the videos. There are probably more than 10 million videos on that porn site and your friend managed to find your wife? Seems really odd. If they are really her I would suspect the OM sent them to you. Again, IF they are her. In the videos, does it appear she knows she is being recorded? She would have some big cojones to lie about the extent of her affair if she knew there were 4 or more videos of her floating around out there.


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## MattMatt

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also, curious about the "friend" that emailed the videos. There are probably more than 10 million videos on that porn site and your friend managed to find your wife? Seems really odd. If they are really her I would suspect the OM sent them to you. Again, IF they are her. In the videos, does it appear she knows she is being recorded? She would have some big cojones to lie about the extent of her affair if she knew there were 4 or more videos of her floating around out there.


Whoever posted them to the site is probably guilty of a crime and this aspect needs to be looked into.


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## jsmart

MattMatt said:


> @Rcox230 Are you 100% certain the videos are your wife? There have been instances of mistaken identity with such videos.
> 
> It's very unlikely she knows he published the videos, it is is her in them.


I agree. You need to be doubly sure. But I’m sure OP knows it’s her and that most likely these were loaded up by her affair partner.

This should be a lesson for BHs who’s WWs allowed her AP to video their sex acts. Are you sure you want to R with them? You’re basically co-signing to her naive belief that her AP won’t post these on some amateur milf site. Now you have to worry that your boys or one of their friends years later don’t get exposed to a video of mom perform sex acts with some dude who could give 2 sh... about her. 

isn’t it insane how so many WWs are down for anything their AP wants but do you think she’d make a video with her husband for their own personal stash? Of course not you dirty perv. What kind of a woman do you think she is?


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## Anastasia6

jsmart said:


> I agree. You need to be doubly sure. But I’m sure OP knows it’s her and that most likely these were loaded up by her affair partner.
> 
> This should be a lesson for BHs who’s WWs allowed her AP to video their sex acts. Are you sure you want to R with them? You’re basically co-signing to her naive belief that her AP won’t post these on some amateur milf site. Now you have to worry that your boys or one of their friends years later don’t get exposed to a video of mom perform sex acts with some dude who could give 2 sh... about her.
> 
> isn’t it insane how so many WWs are down for anything their AP wants but do you think she’d make a video with her husband for their own personal stash? Of course not you dirty perv. What kind of a woman do you think she is?


You are assuming an awful lot for many women. The truth is many women are filmed without their consent by AP, BF and husbands.


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## Anastasia6

OP chances are the 'friend' of yours is actually the AP. Why now is a better question. Has he tried to get back in touch with her? Has she rejected him an so this is his revenge. Many slimballs try to use porn for leverage to force women back into affiars or I'll show your husband.

Either way. Make sure it is her. Then decide what you are going to do.


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## jonty30

Anastasia6 said:


> OP chances are the 'friend' of yours is actually the AP. Why now is a better question. Has he tried to get back in touch with her? Has she rejected him an so this is his revenge. Many slimballs try to use porn for leverage to force women back into affiars or I'll show your husband.
> 
> Either way. Make sure it is her. Then decide what you are going to do.


I'm guessing that she would have been more forward about the videos, if she had been threatened with exposure if she didn't get back with the AP.


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## jsmart

Anastasia6 said:


> You are assuming an awful lot for many women. The truth is many women are filmed without their consent by AP, BF and husbands.


Did I say women? No, I’m talking about WWs. I’m sure there are WWs that are filmed without their consent but you’ve been on TAM long enough to know that MANY WWs send nudes and make videos for their AP.


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## Cynthia

Of course, you don't want to wreck Christmas for your children, but obviously you are extremely upset right now. You can use this time to focus your energy on finding an attorney, reading up on divorce and child custody in your state, and figuring out how you are going to best handle this. Your wife will notice that something is off, so you can simply tell her that something has extremely upset you, that you don't want to talk about it, that you are angry with her, and that you will tell her when you have calmed down and decided what you are going to do. Let her stew until then. That's if you think you can handle her pestering you for what's going on without cracking. Otherwise, just tell her you aren't feeling well and want to be left alone while you work through some emotions you are struggling with. If she pesters you, tell her that she's making you feel worse and to shut up.

And, yes, I'm serious about telling her to shut up. I'd shut her out completely. She is not your friend. She gaslit you into marrying her. She has no rights. I'm not suggesting you be abusive to her, but I do suggest you make it clear that you are not interested in being vulnerable with her.

This didn't just come out of nowhere. I doubt the person who sent you the email is telling you the truth about how he found these videos. It's more likely that something has been rekindled and he is trying to destroy your marriage. If that is the case, so be it. She got herself into this by lying and cheating.

I'd be willing to bet that the "close friend" that messaged you is in fact the AP. She probably doesn't know she was recorded. There are laws against posting porn of people who haven't agreed to it being posted.


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## Anastasia6

jonty30 said:


> I'm guessing that she would have been more forward about the videos, if she had been threatened with exposure if she didn't get back with the AP.


Actually most are not more forward about being blackmailed that's why it works


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## Rcox230

I don’t think she knows or consented to the videos. It was taken with his phone and she had her back turned in each. When it looked like she was about to turn around he cut it off. So he took it with his phone and posted them. Now I’m not 100% it’s her but I know her ass and her moans during sex also her hair. Should I even bother if she says yes demand the full truth how times how long?


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## Anastasia6

Rcox230 said:


> I don’t think she knows or consented to the videos. It was taken with his phone and she had her back turned in each. When it looked like she was about to turn around he cut it off. So he took it with his phone and posted them. Now I’m not 100% it’s her but I know her ass and her moans during sex also her hair. Should I even bother if she says yes demand the full truth how times how long?


That depends on if it is important to you. She admitted the affair back then only a fool would have thought it was just hair stroking. But you are the injured party. You can ask her whatever you want. You can divorce. You can divorce and not tell her a dam thing.

But if it was from back then and you decided to marry her anyway something tells me you could get past this. However you shouldn't move forward until you know more. Like why now?


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## GusPolinski

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


Are you kidding?

_You divorce her._


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## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> I don’t think she knows or consented to the videos. It was taken with his phone and she had her back turned in each. When it looked like she was about to turn around he cut it off. So he took it with his phone and posted them. Now I’m not 100% it’s her but I know her ass and her moans during sex also her hair. Should I even bother if she says yes demand the full truth how times how long?


If divorce is certain, there is no reason to grill further. It may end up hurting you more if you knew everything that you were curious about, like acts that she was willing to do with him that she was not willing to do with you or frequency.

If you are divorcing her, make it efficient for your sake.


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## jparistotle

Rcox230 said:


> I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed. But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


Every chearter should be afraid of this. Some think it is fun to create a video and leave it with someone els. Are all 4 videos various versions of the same event or various events? When were they uploaded. State to her you had your chance to come clean NOW EVERYONE has access to proof of your affair.

She of course, should sue the sight and the up-loader but recognized actions have consequences. This is going to mess her up for life. The guys she was with is a lowlife for doing this if she did not know he was filming. If she knew then she should have known this MIGHT come back.

Walk away to clear your head. Then have that frank conversation "I did not sign up for this" "I asked you fi there was more" "Obvisoly there is and a "freind" found it". 

How does she think it is going to end now that everyone can see her in all her glory? You need to protect your boys because if your freind can see this then her co-workers your co-workefs, your freinds partents etc. can as well.


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## Anastasia6

jparistotle said:


> Every chearter should be afraid of this. Some think it is fun to create a video and leave it with someone els. Are all 4 videos various versions of the same event or various events? When were they uploaded. State to her you had your chance to come clean NOW EVERYONE has access to proof of your affair.
> 
> She of course, should sue the sight and the up-loader but recognized actions have consequences. This is going to mess her up for life. The guys she was with is a lowlife for doing this if she did not know he was filming. If she knew then she should have known this MIGHT come back.
> 
> Walk away to clear your head. Then have that frank conversation "I did not sign up for this" "I asked you fi there was more" "Obvisoly there is and a "freind" found it".
> 
> How does she think it is going to end now that everyone can see her in all her glory? You need to protect your boys because if your freind can see this then her co-workers your co-workefs, your freinds partents etc. can as well.


If her husband can't tell if it's her then no one else can either. Which makes the 'friend' who found it also the 'friend' who posted it.


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## Galabar01

Why does anyone care how the videos were created or how they were uploaded? None of that helps the OP. She cheated and lied. That is all the OP needs to focus on and deal with.

Does it matter to the OP whether she new she was being recorded? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

OP, you made a mistake marrying this woman after knowing that she cheated. Don't make the same poor choice again. Divorce and move on from this cheater.


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## Rcox230

MattMatt said:


> @Rcox230 Are you 100% certain the videos are your wife? There have been instances of mistaken identity with such videos.
> 
> It's very unlikely she knows he published the videos, it is is her in them.


See my reply


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## Rcox230

Anastasia6 said:


> If her husband can't tell if it's her then no one else can either. Which makes the 'friend' who found it also the 'friend' who posted it.


All 4 are different back seat of car, and the rest at his house all with her back turned she didn’t know he was recording


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## jparistotle

Galabar01 said:


> Why does anyone care how the videos were created or how they were uploaded? None of that helps the OP. She cheated and lied. That is all the OP needs to focus on and deal with.
> 
> Does it matter to the OP whether she new she was being recorded? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
> 
> OP, you made a mistake marrying this woman after knowing that she cheated. Don't make the same poor choice again. Divorce and move on from this cheater.


There is aleays an audit trail. You have to be prepared when she says it is not her


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## Rcox230

Rcox230 said:


> I don’t think she knows or consented to the videos. It was taken with his phone and she had her back turned in each. When it looked like she was about to turn around he cut it off. So he took it with his phone and posted them. Now I’m not 100% it’s her but I know her ass and her moans during sex also her hair. Should I even bother if she says yes demand the full truth how times how long?


Yes that’s what happened


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## Anastasia6

Rcox230 said:


> All 4 are different back seat of car, and the rest at his house all with her back turned she didn’t know he was recording


So are you convinced it's her?
Are they from 6 year ago or recent?

If it's a deal breaker and you know it's her then no sense going forward with any other conversations about it here on TAM just get a lawyer, get some advice and get divorced.

But you haven't answered if it is a deal breaker if it's from 6 years ago. You say it would have been back then but now?

Please be aware I'm not saying it should or shouldn't be a deal breaker. Unlike some others who want to decide your life and actions for you. I'm interested in what you want to accomplish or do or decide.


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## Anastasia6

Rcox230 said:


> Yes that’s what happened


You are answering yourself. Is Ms.Rcox230 with us? If so make your own account.


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## Rcox230

Anastasia6 said:


> If her husband can't tell if it's her then no one else can either. Which makes the 'friend' who found it also the 'friend' who posted it.


Your right I need to clear my head


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## blackclover3

you should've never believed a cheater. and this is only the recorded, I think there is more physical encounters.
sorry for this happen to you and your kids - but you need to look out for yourself and find someone who is decent and respect you. 
you know it is matter of time until these videos go viral through your circle so be prepared to protect your kids. 

before you confront I would start early divorce processing. meet an attorney


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## Rcox230

GC1234 said:


> Do you have the videos in your possession as evidence? Do you know when those videos were created (as opposed to posted)? Doesn't excuse it, because she lied and said they did it half a time, when you have evidence of otherwise. I would imagine this is grounds for an annulment if you want it. Wait til after X-mas to do this.


I have the videos it’s crazy because he created his profile page on that site in 2019. This affair happened in 2014


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## Anastasia6

Seems like the AP is trying to bust up your marriage. 

So ask yourself. How is your wife lately? Does she phone guard? Are there missing times? Any reason to be suspicious?

'He created' the profile .... who is he?


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## Anastasia6

You first need to think about what you want.
If you want to divorce no more action needed really except a lawyer.

If you want some answers. Well for several hundred dollars you can get a Polygraph. Often times knowing the polygraph is coming you get more answers than you had before.

Also you can DNA your kids.


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## Gabriel

This story has holes in it. The movies don't 100% prove that it's her. Even you aren't 100% sure. This means she will 100% deny it. She will say you are crazy if you keep pressing. 

Therefore, you need to know exactly how these videos came to be. There is NO WAY your friend accidentally found videos and then made the determination that it's your wife. First off, the odds of a video of your wife surfacing on this guy's search are very slim. Secondly, how does this guy know your wife's ass and hair that well, to the point HE thinks it's your wife? Makes no sense. I sure as heck wouldn't think someone was my friend's wife in a video unless I got a really good look at her face.

The whole thing is "sus".

I would absolutely show your wife the videos, and then I'd look very closely at her reaction while she watches. Then I'd say, sure looks a lot like you. Why would "friend's name" have these videos?

Hopefully her reaction will tell you a lot. This way you are not accusing her, but instead showing her something you were given and asking questions.


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## Anastasia6

Gabriel said:


> This story has holes in it. The movies don't 100% prove that it's her. Even you aren't 100% sure. This means she will 100% deny it. She will say you are crazy if you keep pressing.
> 
> Therefore, you need to know exactly how these videos came to be. There is NO WAY your friend accidentally found videos and then made the determination that it's your wife. First off, the odds of a video of your wife surfacing on this guy's search are very slim. Secondly, how does this guy know your wife's ass and hair that well, to the point HE thinks it's your wife? Makes no sense. I sure as heck wouldn't think someone was my friend's wife in a video unless I got a really good look at her face.
> 
> The whole thing is "sus".
> 
> I would absolutely show your wife the videos, and then I'd look very closely at her reaction while she watches. Then I'd say, sure looks a lot like you. Why would "friend's name" have these videos?
> 
> Hopefully her reaction will tell you a lot. This way you are not accusing her, but instead showing her something you were given and asking questions.


You missed the part where Friend is anonymous. 😉


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## drencrom

Rcox230 said:


> Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone.


I'd confront, if for nothing more than to get it off your chest. Because she wants you to move on and leave the past in the past.

But someone's wife in a video f****g someone else all over the internet for anyone to see makes it almost impossible to get past, if in fact the videos are real and it is actually her in them.

I honestly don't know what to tell you other than what I'd do if it were me, and I wouldn't be able to stomach looking at her any longer and would want a divorce.


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## Gabriel

Okay, change "friends name" to "my friend"


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## Galabar01

jparistotle said:


> There is aleays an audit trail. You have to be prepared when she says it is not her


True. It is relevant that it is actually her on the video...


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## Rcox230

Anastasia6 said:


> So are you convinced it's her?
> Are they from 6 year ago or recent?
> 
> If it's a deal breaker and you know it's her then no sense going forward with any other conversations about it here on TAM just get a lawyer, get some advice and get divorced.
> 
> But you haven't answered if it is a deal breaker if it's from 6 years ago. You say it would have been back then but now?
> 
> Please be aware I'm not saying it should or shouldn't be a deal breaker. Unlike some others who want to decide your life and actions for you. I'm interested in what you want to accomplish or do or decide.


I want to know if it was from back then or recent. This guy created his page on this website in 2019 the affair happened in 2015


----------



## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> All 4 are different back seat of car, and the rest at his house all with her back turned she didn’t know he was recording


She’s a beotch for betraying you like that but this guy is such a douche for taking advantage of her like that. Here she is giving herself to him and he’s perving on her? Really sick. I wonder what her reaction will be when she sees that she betrayed the father of her kids for POS.

Btw that anonymous “friend” is very likely the AP or someone that knows the AP. Could be that AP bragged about it, so this friend of his knew exactly where and what to look for. But if I were betting, I’d say it was the AP who contacted you. Who knows if he reached out to your WW and was rebuffed, so he blows up her life.


----------



## GC1234

Rcox230 said:


> I have the videos it’s crazy because he created his profile page on that site in 2019. This affair happened in 2014


The co-worker created it?? What a d-bag. Even so, your wife said 'he barely put it in' on that 'one occasion'. Clearly the videos must show that he did put it in and more than once, which means, it's showing something other than what she claims. I'm sorry to make you re-visit that thought, I'm sure you'd like to burn that one out of your brain. 

I might back up those videos, like download them and save them somewhere...because when you confront her, I suspect she will tell him and MAYBE he'll take them down...maybe not, depending on what type of d**che he is. 

There is also the possibility that she could deny it's her. I'd prepare for that. Or, she may genuinely not know she was being filmed, nor that it was posted on a porn site. I might take screen shots and sue him if that's the case.


----------



## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> I want to know if it was from back then or recent. This guy created his page on this website in 2019 the affair happened in 2015


The most probable answer is that this was from when she was having the affair. It’s proof that the whole just the tip, was a lie and that it only happened once is also a lie.

If it was more recent, then it should be a go straight to D and do not collect 200 dollars situation. What she did is bad enough but I really hope this was not proof that the affair continued for years.


----------



## QuietGuy

If she says it isn't her, not much you can do except polygraph. If she admits it is her, you should consider involving the police. A visit from them might at least get the dirtbag to lay off. I also think it is almost certainly the AP that sent you these.


----------



## re16

Maybe ask to her watch some videos with you and see what her reaction is.

You'd better DNA those kids.

Cheaters usually don't stop cheating, so even if the videos are old, it doesn't mean other things aren't happening.

When she told you to move on from talking about the affair, that was the completion of the rugsweep.

You should have never married her, and you are probably just now realizing that, but that is what happens in rugsweeps... eventually they catch up to you.


----------



## patriciadelicia

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


apoligise you may not like to hear this but I think it is good to be honest.
speaking form my experience as a woman when we get serious with a man .
we sometimes test boundaries and want to see how much lean way there is in a relationship.
previous partners have given no lean way and I accept that if I like them.
Others give and keep giving I end up looosing interest as Pretty much can do what I choose


----------



## cocolo2019

MattMatt said:


> @Rcox230 Are you 100% certain the videos are your wife? There have been instances of mistaken identity with such videos.
> 
> It's very unlikely she knows he published the videos, it is is her in them.


This OP. Verify first with an expert if the videos were not made with a deepfake app.
Talk to a lawyer first and then go to a video expert.


----------



## Galabar01

cocolo2019 said:


> This OP. Verify first with an expert if the videos were not made with a deepfake app.
> Talk to a lawyer first and then go to a video expert.


The OP said that he recognized her @ss. I'm guessing that wouldn't be deep faked (how would the AP otherwise get those types of shots or even remember what the @ss looked like?).


----------



## Tested_by_stress

If it's her in the vids for certain, it is in your best interest to DNA test your kids.


----------



## manwithnoname

I agree with the others regarding the odds that a "friend" stumbled upon a video and then recognized her even though you're not 100% sure it's her because you only saw her ass and heard her moans. So this leaves only the AP as the one who emailed you. 

Think about it....if it is not her, how would someone think it was her enough to tell you? 

I'd be done with her based regardless of the video. And DNA the kids.


----------



## Galabar01

Yes, definitely get those DNA tests.


----------



## SunCMars

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also, curious about the "friend" that emailed the videos. There are probably more than 10 million videos on that porn site and your friend managed to find your wife? Seems really odd. If they are really her I would suspect the OM sent them to you. Again, IF they are her. In the videos, does it appear she knows she is being recorded? She would have some big cojones to lie about the extent of her affair if she knew there were 4 or more videos of her floating around out there.


Yes, I suspect the affair partner sent them to get back at her, for some reason.

Or, the AP blabbed and bragged to that friend that he shagged the boss, and sent the videos to that particular porn site.

Are the two of them still working together?


_Nemesis-_


----------



## Trident

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also, curious about the "friend" that emailed the videos. There are probably more than 10 million videos on that porn site and your friend managed to find your wife? Seems really odd.


Ya think? The probability is so exponentially low it's almost nonexistent.


----------



## SunCMars

Rcox230 said:


> I don’t think she knows or consented to the videos. It was taken with his phone and she had her back turned in each. When it looked like she was about to turn around he cut it off. So he took it with his phone and posted them. Now I’m not 100% it’s her but I know her ass and her moans during sex also her hair. Should I even bother if she says yes demand the full truth how times how long?


Here is where your_ supposed friend's_ story falls apart...

How did this guy know what your wife's ass and naked back look like?

If you are not 100% sure, no outsider could possibly make this connection.

Only you should know her body and her moans.

Yes, the actual POSOM would know this too.

Be cautious, the whole scenario may be fake.
Do not go in heavy. at first. 
Let her admit to it or deny.


----------



## Trident

Rcox230 said:


> But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses.


Well ok, if she doesn't confess then you're not leaving.

If she's smart she'll pull the good ole' "That's the twin sister I never told you about's ass and back that you can hardly make out in the dark blurry shaky backseat taken during sex cellphone video" excuse.

Works all the time.


----------



## Anastasia6

Do you have a brother or does she that might be mad at your or her? If you aren't sure it's her could be some other 'friend' trying to stir trouble or make a sick joke.


----------



## Evinrude58

You believed her when she said “he just rubbed on it but never penetrated her”.
Damn. Abd you accepted shut up about it and move on. You know you’re not going to divorce her. Just shut up and move on.

But know you’re likely to be cheated on again. You knowingly married a cheater.


----------



## Kaliber

Confront her, tell her this is you and this is him!
Tell me everything, the whole truth!
Don't tell her the dates of these videos because it could be recent.. very recent, and maybe still at it!


----------



## Rcox230

patriciadelicia said:


> apoligise you may not like to hear this but I think it is good to be honest.
> speaking form my experience as a woman when we get serious with a man .
> we sometimes test boundaries and want to see how much lean way there is in a relationship.
> previous partners have given no lean way and I accept that if I like them.
> Others give and keep giving I end up looosing interest as Pretty much can do what I choose


So you saying you understand what she did?


----------



## Al_Bundy

Rcox230 said:


> So you saying you understand what she did?


Banging another dude is *not* testing boundaries, seriously wtf?


----------



## Rcox230

Evinrude58 said:


> You believed her when she said “he just rubbed on it but never penetrated her”.
> Damn. Abd you accepted shut up about it and move on. You know you’re not going to divorce her. Just shut up and move on.
> 
> But know you’re likely to be cheated on again. You knowingly married a cheater.


So people can’t change is what your saying?


----------



## Evinrude58

Al_Bundy said:


> Banging another dude is *not* testing boundaries, seriously wtf?


Are you not aware of the gravitas Patriciadelicia radiates? 😊


----------



## Rcox230

Rcox230 said:


> So people can’t change is what your saying?


Your obviously not a Christian I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


----------



## Evinrude58

Rcox230 said:


> So people can’t change is what your saying?


I’m saying when your fiancée cheats on you and you marry her after telling you the “truth” after lying 4 times, which according to her is that he “barely stuck it in” but didn’t really penetrate her…….. there’s a problem in you as well as the cheater. There isn’t a living man that just “barely stuck it in” and if someone believes that, it’s because they are in complete denial. And yes, I’m saying people rarely change. She failed the dating experience terribly, which is to find out if a woman is marriage material. She clearly was not.

Even if it’s not her in the video, he shouldn’t have married her because she SHoWED him she was disloyal.


----------



## MattMatt

Rcox230 said:


> So you saying you understand what she did?


Ignore Patricia. What she said was crass.


----------



## marko polo

She has told you 3-4 different stories.

Someone has shared explicit videos of the affair.

You will never get the complete truth from her. Not even on her deathbed.

*Get tested for STDs. You should assume your wife is still indulging and has never stopped. Her confessions were thrown out to you to placate you.*

Do not waste your time confronting her. Quietly speak to a lawyer to assess your situation and what divorce might look like for you. 

For proof / leverage you should be able to download a copy of the videos you were sent. It would be wise for you to keep copies safe. If you tell her about the videos she will deny them. She will reach out to her AP and tell him to remove them. She will gaslight the life out of you.

You can attempt to reconcile with her but without trust it will be a futile effort. You are far better off divorcing and finding a more compatible partner.


----------



## re16

Rcox230 said:


> Your obviously not a Christian I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


The mistake is you can't automatically be willing to forgive just because they say sorry. Not showing a spouse that there are severe consequences for such behavior and forcing actual remorse out of them is the only way a relationship can ever recover from this. Automatic forgiveness was not attractive to your wife. Think about it, she bangs another man, likely repeatedly and likely on video, and tells you it was just the tip, and you are ok with it all and marry her for it.

How could she possibly respect someone who does that?


----------



## Cynthia

Rcox230 said:


> Your obviously not a Christian I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


Since you brought it up:
As a Christian, I believe forgiveness is necessary. Also, as a Christian, I know that forgiveness doesn't equal trust or reconciliation. You can forgive your wife and divorce her at the same time.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


Walk the hell away from the skank. Record the videos and when she gets pissy, just play a clip and tell her your done!


----------



## Tatsuhiko

If you haven't already, download all the videos in case they suddenly disappear, leaving you with no legs to stand on. Use OBS recording software if you can't download. Do not disseminate the videos in any way.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed. But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


DNA the kids, you do not know for sure they are your kids. Dont say, but they look like me.....


----------



## Trident

Tatsuhiko said:


> Do not disseminate the videos in any way.


Or go ahead and disseminate them but clean them up really well afterwards.


----------



## Rob_1

Rcox230 said:


> Your obviously not a Christian I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


WTF Christianity has to do with anything. Forgiveness is not an exclusive Christian thing. Most humans regardless of faith or not tend to forgive other humans when they have done something that is forgivable. 

You obviously, erroneously forgave under a false premise. Are you going to forgive again?


----------



## SRCSRC

I don't know if anyone mentioned it, but you should DNA the kids. Tell your WW you find it necessary because she is a liar and obviously fooled around behind your back before marriage and possibly afterward. You should also demand that she sit for a polygraph in order to get more of the truth out of her. Demand that she do a detailed timeline on ALL affairs she had during your relationship to be verified by a polygraph. Do not accept for one second that this was the only guy she messed around with behind your back. Just the thought of a polygraph might make her cough up more information. What you ultimately decide to do should be based on the entire truth, not her lies.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> Yes that’s what happened


Friend my ass. Who would know what your naked wife looks like from behind and her moans but you and AP. I bet it is AP that sent you the video. See if you can get the video geo code or computer IP address.


----------



## Cynthia

@Rcox230, you don't have to tell your wife if you DNA your kids. I recommend you do it for peace of mind. Under these types of circumstances, it's best to cover all your bases.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> Yes that’s what happened


If she balks tell her you will schedule a Polygraph.


----------



## Cynthia

Rob_1 said:


> WTF Christianity has to do with anything. Forgiveness is not an exclusive Christian thing. Most humans regardless of faith or not tend to forgive other humans when they have done something that is forgivable.
> 
> You obviously, erroneously forgave under a false premise. Are you going to forgive again?


@Rcox230 mentioned it, because forgiveness is an essential tenant of the Christian faith. No one said or implied it is exclusive of Christians. Misunderstandings about forgiveness by Christians creates a lot of problems in people's personal lives. Often Christians are taught that when we forgive that we must also reconcile and trust the offender, which is ridiculous and nowhere mentioned in the Bible.


----------



## ABHale

Rcox230 said:


> I don’t think she knows or consented to the videos. It was taken with his phone and she had her back turned in each. When it looked like she was about to turn around he cut it off. So he took it with his phone and posted them. Now I’m not 100% it’s her but I know her ass and her moans during sex also her hair. Should I even bother if she says yes demand the full truth how times how long?


How did this “friend” recognize your wife’s ass, moans and groans?


----------



## jonty30

Cynthia said:


> @Rcox230 mentioned it, because forgiveness is an essential tenant of the Christian faith. No one said or implied it is exclusive of Christians. Misunderstandings about forgiveness by Christians creates a lot of problems in people's personal lives. Often Christians are taught that when we forgive that we must also reconcile and trust the offender, which is ridiculous and nowhere mentioned in the Bible.


Even God, the ultimate forgiver, requires a confession and repentance.


----------



## Trident

ABHale said:


> How did this “friend” recognize your wife’s ass, moans and groans?


Poetic license.


----------



## Rcox230

SRCSRC said:


> I don't know if anyone mentioned it, but you should DNA the kids. Tell your WW you find it necessary because she is a liar and obviously fooled around behind your back before marriage and possibly afterward. You should also demand that she sit for a polygraph in order to get more of the truth out of her. Demand that she do a detailed timeline on ALL affairs she had during your relationship to be verified by a polygraph. Do not accept for one second that this was the only guy she messed around with behind your back. Just the thought of a polygraph might make her cough up more information. What you ultimately decide to do should be based on the entire truth, not her lies.


Wow I never in a million years would question if my kids were mine. But after all this I guess I should do it. But I have raised them to 14 and 12 even if it comes back different I just can’t turn my back on them. But your right I can’t just think this was the only guy. I’m gonna approach her just waiting until after Xmas


----------



## Rcox230

Cynthia said:


> @Rcox230, you don't have to tell your wife if you DNA your kids. I recommend you do it for peace of mind. Under these types of circumstances, it's best to cover all your bases.


I totally agree I think I will do it without her knowing


----------



## Rob_1

Cynthia said:


> @Rcox230 mentioned it, because forgiveness is an essential tenant of the Christian faith. No one said or implied it is exclusive of Christians. Misunderstandings about forgiveness by Christians creates a lot of problems in people's personal lives. Often Christians are taught that when we forgive that we must also reconcile and trust the offender, which is ridiculous and nowhere mentioned in the Bible.


Not to tread jack, but he said:


Rcox230 said:


> *Your obviously not a Christian* I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


which implies you must be a Christian to forgive.


----------



## Cynthia

Rob_1 said:


> Not to tread jack, but he said:
> 
> which implies you must be a Christian to forgive.


I didn't see that. Thanks for clearing it up.


----------



## Divinely Favored

My wife said she thinks the AP sent the video to you. That he has had contact with wife and has thried to coerce her to get him some more of that or he will tell you. She thinks he is full of it and you will not believe him, not knowing he has video proof. 

I like the idea of saying i want to show you a video i was sent. See how she reacts to that...like if she shows concern or starts getting uneasy. Then play the video and watch her reaction. If she denies it is her then state she will have to take a polygraph to prove it. 

I wonder what coworkers vehicle was? See if inside matches the video. 

You might take an ancester.com test with you and kids to see if it places you as dad.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

ABHale said:


> How did this “friend” recognize your wife’s ass, moans and groans?


The anonymous "friend" is the one who took the video 6 years ago, right?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

ABHale said:


> How did this “friend” recognize your wife’s ass, moans and groans?


There is something strange about this. My guess is your friend banged your wife and videoed it. It is a huge stretch to believe he found this on the web.


----------



## jonty30

Rob_1 said:


> Not to tread jack, but he said:
> 
> which implies you must be a Christian to forgive.





No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> There is something strange about this. My guess is your friend banged your wife and videoed it. It is a huge stretch to believe he found this on the web.


Or he put it on the website and knew where to find it, like names he used and whatever.


----------



## sokillme

Rcox230 said:


> I have the videos it’s crazy because he created his profile page on that site in 2019. This affair happened in 2014


Come on dude. You have to catch up. You have NO IDEA the affair is over. What you know is your wife is a liar. Cheaters lie and good at it. 

Talk to the best lawyer
Get papers
Leave the papers and a flash drive with the movies, with a note saying you are going on vacation and will be back in a week to finalize you divorce and eventual annulment.
Leave for a week and turn off your phone
When you get back don't listen to her BS
Go for primary custody.


----------



## sokillme

patriciadelicia said:


> apoligise you may not like to hear this but I think it is good to be honest.
> speaking form my experience as a woman when we get serious with a man .
> we sometimes test boundaries and want to see how much lean way there is in a relationship.
> previous partners have given no lean way and I accept that if I like them.
> Others give and keep giving I end up looosing interest as Pretty much can do what I choose


This is kinda true, but the kind that you marry still don't cheat.


----------



## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> So people can’t change is what your saying?


Having her face the loss of her marriage will help as well in understanding the importance of faithfulness. 
One member here divorced his wife and reduced her to the status of a girlfriend and had her meet all his conditions, like counselling and everything, before he remarried her.
You could do that as well. Divorce her, forgive her if she meets the conditions of repentance and then have her earn her way back to being a worthy wife.
The ball is in your court. If you forgive her without conditions, she will not respect you and not really repent which opens the door to future affairs. This is true, even if she is finished with this one.


----------



## sokillme

Rcox230 said:


> Your obviously not a Christian I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


Not a wise one though. The bible says an adulterous women is death. (Proverbs 5) you should read that. Pretty strong warning and all the stuff it says came true in this case. In the old testament you were not even given a chance to marry her because she would be dead.


----------



## sokillme

jonty30 said:


> Having her face the loss of her marriage will help as well in understanding the importance of faithfulness.
> One member here divorced his wife and reduced her to the status of a girlfriend and had her meet all his conditions, like counselling and everything, before he remarried her.
> You could do that as well. Divorce her, forgive her if she meets the conditions of repentance and then have her earn her way back to being a worthy wife.
> The ball is in your court. If you forgive her without conditions, she will not respect you and not really repent which opens the door to future affairs. This is true, even if she is finished with this one.


But it won't make her love him enough not to cheat except at the point of a gun.


----------



## jonty30

sokillme said:


> But it won't make her love him enough not to cheat except at the point of a gun.


That's up to her. 
If she can't love him, than it's over.
She will have had her chance in that second chance with conditions.


----------



## sokillme

Cynthia said:


> @Rcox230 mentioned it, because forgiveness is an essential tenant of the Christian faith. No one said or implied it is exclusive of Christians. Misunderstandings about forgiveness by Christians creates a lot of problems in people's personal lives. Often Christians are taught that when we forgive that we must also reconcile and trust the offender, which is ridiculous and nowhere mentioned in the Bible.


Yeah like I said in my other post, when it comes to adultery there is lots of warnings to -



> Stay far away from her. Do not even go near her door. Either you will surrender your reputation to others and ⌞the rest of⌟ your years to some cruel person, or strangers will benefit from your strength


----------



## sokillme

jonty30 said:


> That's up to her.
> If she can't love him, than it's over.
> She will have had her chance in that second chance with conditions.


Anyone who cheats doesn't love their partner, at least not in the way a spouse should. Do you really want to be married to a person who is only faithful to you because they are afraid?


----------



## sokillme

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife said she thinks the AP sent the video to you. That he has had contact with wife and has thried to coerce her to get him some more of that or he will tell you. She thinks he is full of it and you will not believe him, not knowing he has video proof.
> 
> I like the idea of saying i want to show you a video i was sent. See how she reacts to that...like if she shows concern or starts getting uneasy. Then play the video and watch her reaction. If she denies it is her then state she will have to take a polygraph to prove it.
> 
> I wonder what coworkers vehicle was? See if inside matches the video.
> 
> You might take an ancester.com test with you and kids to see if it places you as dad.


I agree with this but I don't know everyone is discounting the possibility that this thing has been going on the whole time and the videos are really from more recently. The only reason to believe it ended was because she said so. I wouldn't take her word.


----------



## jonty30

sokillme said:


> Anyone who cheats doesn't love their partner, at least not in the way a spouse should. Do you really want to be married to a person who is only faithful to you because they are afraid?


Sometimes they forget.
As I said, the ball is in his court and it's up to her to prove herself in whatever capacity he demands if he is willing to take her back.


----------



## Cromer

Get out.


----------



## colingrant

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


There's something fishy about your so-called friend in this. I'm not sure he's just the messenger.


----------



## manwithnoname

The "friend" is not one of OP's friends, otherwise why stay anonymous? It's the AP. Unless a friend knows her ass and moans well enough to recognize her among millions of videos. Which makes it even worse.
The dates don't matter either...if it is her, it proves she lied about the details of her 6 years ago affair, or that she continued after that. The video can be from up to the time it was posted.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

jonty30 said:


> Divorce her, forgive her if she meets the conditions of repentance and then have her earn her way back to being a worthy wife.


I don't understand why more people don't do this, at least as a practical matter. At the very least it makes a less nasty divorce. If the cheater really wants reconciliation, there's no way they're going to dig in their heels about getting half your 401k or file a false DV report.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

sokillme said:


> Anyone who cheats doesn't love their partner, at least not in the way a spouse should. Do you really want to be married to a person who is only faithful to you because they are afraid?


Fear me!!!

🙄 just kidding. The above jogged my mind on a movie quote.

If I could just remember what movie 😮😮😮


----------



## jonty30

Tatsuhiko said:


> I don't understand why more people don't do this, at least as a practical matter. At the very least it makes a less nasty divorce. If the cheater really wants reconciliation, there's no way they're going to dig in their heels about getting half your 401k or file a false DV report.


Unfortunately, too often, the woman will never respect her man once she has lost respect for him. This is an option, but it isn't for everybody.


----------



## ElOtro

Rcox230 said:


> Your obviously not a Christian I was willing to forgive if it was the truth


You can sometimes forgive the human being.
This does not necessarily (and perhaps neither wisely) implies the continuty of the couple relationship.


----------



## LisaDiane

patriciadelicia said:


> apoligise you may not like to hear this but I think it is good to be honest.
> speaking form my experience as a woman when we get serious with a man .
> we sometimes test boundaries and want to see how much lean way there is in a relationship.
> previous partners have given no lean way and I accept that if I like them.
> Others give and keep giving I end up looosing interest as Pretty much can do what I choose


Umm, DO NOT say "we" as if you speak for all women. Your "test" sounds like a toxic game that any self-respecting man would wisely reject you for. CHEATING and LYING are only the sign of a weak, selfish person with terrible character, and there is NO excuse for it.

And I WANT a partner who is caring and giving to me.


----------



## LisaDiane

sokillme said:


> Anyone who cheats doesn't love their partner, at least not in the way a spouse should. *Do you really want to be married to a person who is only faithful to you because they are afraid?*


BRILLIANT...exactly!


----------



## LisaDiane

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


This is HORRIBLE, but unfortunately it's what always happens with you stay with a LIAR. It wasn't her cheating that was the worst red flag when you were engaged - it was her continuous LYING about it. So why did you believe that her final version was true at all? You can't. She uses words to control and take advantage of you, NOT to share and connect with you. There is NO way to have a real relationship with a person like that.

DO NOT waste any more of your life on someone like her. I wouldn't even ask her about the video. I would just TELL her that you are sick of her lying and that you can't be married to someone who you don't trust. You don't want any explanation, you are DONE.


----------



## Diana7

Cynthia said:


> @Rcox230 mentioned it, because forgiveness is an essential tenant of the Christian faith. No one said or implied it is exclusive of Christians. Misunderstandings about forgiveness by Christians creates a lot of problems in people's personal lives. Often Christians are taught that when we forgive that we must also reconcile and trust the offender, which is ridiculous and nowhere mentioned in the Bible.


Absolutely. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.


----------



## jsmart

sokillme said:


> I agree with this but I don't know everyone is discounting the possibility that this thing has been going on the whole time and the videos are really from more recently. The only reason to believe it ended was because she said so. I wouldn't take her word.


Wow, we have all been thinking this is from her past affair but you’re right that it is just as likely that the affair just went dormant for a period but restarted when OP was lulled back to sleep. I also agree with @Divinely Favored ’s wife that OM may have tried to recently blackmail OP’s wife. She may have ended things and OM may have tried to blow up her life in an act of revenge.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Your wife is an inveterate liar. That in and of itself is enough of a reason to divorce her.


----------



## Asterix

Rcox230 said:


> Please help me guys I don't know what to do


I think you do know what you need to do at this point.


----------



## Al_Bundy

Look man, you probably feel like a complete tool right now knowing you could have prevented all this from happening by not marrying her. Imagine how you will feel if you continue to put up with this.You can't change the past but you damn well can change your future.

Good luck.


----------



## emptyandoverit

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


You quite literally have nothing to save here man. She only gave you what she felt she needed to give you and nothing else. She is protecting herself, not you. She will forever be moving forward protecting herself and, by the end of this, you will be the one apologizing for her affair. Shes a loose end and needs cut right now.


----------



## Cynthia

How has your marriage been in the last six months?


----------



## Rcox230

Cynthia said:


> How has your marriage been in the last six months?


Really not bad it's been good arguments here and there but that's normal. Everyone on here is saying leave, calling her names etc. Which she definetly may deserve but I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes and some people can change for the better. No one is perfect Before we were engaged I wasnt faithful but I apologized and promised never will again and I haven't so I don't agree with once this always. Not all but some people can make a mistake and change for the better. No one is perfect.


----------



## Anastasia6

Rcox230 said:


> Really not bad it's been good arguments here and there but that's normal. Everyone on here is saying leave, calling her names etc. Which she definetly may deserve but I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes and some people can change for the better. No one is perfect Before we were engaged I wasnt faithful but I apologized and promised never will again and I haven't so I don't agree with once this always. Not all but some people can make a mistake and change for the better. No one is perfect.


I agree people can change. You have to realize TAM has many betrayed in it's population and that many times cheater cheat again. Because cheating is a matter of character. 

Only you can decide what to do. Only you can decide if this is a past thing or an ongoing thing. Only you can decide to forgive. Are you convinced it is her? Have you emailed the friend back and told him if he was really your friend he'd tell you who he is...


----------



## LATERILUS79

Dude, I’m actually still hung up on the videos. You say you never see her face and only her back. Knowing her backside hair and moans isn’t good enough in my opinion. There are lots of people out in the world having sex and a lot of people look the same from the back. A lot of people also sound the same.

is there anything else in this video that gives you a clue that it is her? Tattoos or other birth marks or something?

I’m with Anastasia here. The “friend” that emailed you is probably the guy that did it. I would strike up a conversation with this “friend” through email. Ask him how he could possibly know that is your wife considering you never see her face.


----------



## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> Really not bad it's been good arguments here and there but that's normal. Everyone on here is saying leave, calling her names etc. Which she definetly may deserve but I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes and some people can change for the better. No one is perfect Before we were engaged I wasnt faithful but I apologized and promised never will again and I haven't so I don't agree with once this always. Not all but some people can make a mistake and change for the better. No one is perfect.


Maybe the reason she was unfaithful was because you set the stage with your own infidelity?


----------



## Cynthia

Rcox230 said:


> Really not bad it's been good arguments here and there but that's normal. Everyone on here is saying leave, calling her names etc. Which she definetly may deserve but I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. People make mistakes and some people can change for the better. No one is perfect Before we were engaged I wasnt faithful but I apologized and promised never will again and I haven't so I don't agree with once this always. Not all but some people can make a mistake and change for the better. No one is perfect.


If you aren't positive it's her, that makes it difficult to deal with this properly.
I think it would be wise to DNA your children without her knowledge. She never needs to know, unless, of course, they are not your biological children. Also, to get STD testing. There is a reason this came out now and it could be that your wife is cheating again. Protect yourself.
My earlier comments were based on you having a positive ID that it is her in the video.
If this is her, I wouldn't say to rush to divorce, but this is very serious and needs to be addressed and worked through. Do not brush this under the rug or try to ignore it. It will eat away at you and your marriage. If it is your wife, she lied to get you to marry her. That's a big dealt that has to be worked through one way or another, in order for you be healthy.
I think you should come up with a plan on how to approach her with this and hopefully get a confession from her. If she is being blackmailed, it might be a relief for her to have this come out.


----------



## patriciadelicia

Rcox230 said:


> So you saying you understand what she did?


No way she acted in a totally inappropiate way.
My point was she was shown no boundaries for this relationship.
she was given an inch and took a mile


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Isn’t it illegal for the videos to be uploaded?
I get that some videos don’t need permission from all parties, but the “adult” videos do right?

so did she give permission?
If not, you gotta show them to her and maybe they can be taken down so when your boys turn of age and search the net as boys of age do...
(if either child is a boy)


----------



## Rcox230

jonty30 said:


> Maybe the reason she was unfaithful was because you set the stage with your own infidelity?


Oh so that’s an excuse to do it?


----------



## Mr.Married

......deleted


----------



## Rcox230

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Isn’t it illegal for the videos to be uploaded?
> I get that some videos don’t need permission from all parties, but the “adult” videos do right?
> 
> so did she give permission?
> If not, you gotta show them to her and maybe they can be taken down so when your boys turn of age and search the net as boys of age do...
> (if either child is a boy)


She didn’t know he was recording when she was about to turn around he stopped it. Guys do this all the time especially if your bent over or turned around. We will take our phone out and record


----------



## Rcox230

Mr.Married said:


> Holy hell and oh my Jesus Christmas!!! Your wife has porn videos online with another man and you don’t know what to do ???????
> 
> Hell if you are going to do a gutless roll over and play dead you just as well post the link for all of us to check it out ....


Your funny first she didn’t know she was being recorded and it’s a site where anyone can make a page and post videos from there phone. I’m sure you know about it your probably a frequent visitor when your alone


----------



## Mr.Married

....deleted


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

deleted-


----------



## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> Oh so that’s an excuse to do it?


Not an excuse, but it would be proof that she wasn't over your act of infidelity.
When one spouse is unfaithful, the other spouse feels like you got a bonus in the marriage and they have a loss.
Sometimes they make up for that loss by an act of infidelity of their own.
That way you also have a loss and she gets a bonus.


----------



## Rcox230

Mr.Married said:


> Seriously... your looking at this already in a way in which you are figuring out how to sweep this all under the rug like you did the first go round.
> 
> Here is how this is going to end .... you will do some weak confrontation.... and then believe whatever lie she tells you. Sweep that right back under the rug and carry on.
> 
> That kind of behavior is exactly how you end up in this situation to begin with.
> 
> Don’t forget to start making up some excuses you can give her to use.


I’m not I know I’m gonna leave I’m just worried about my kids and I don’t want to mess up there Xmas. I will confront her after


----------



## Willnotbill

Rcox230 said:


> Really not bad it's been good arguments here and there but that's normal. Everyone on here is saying leave, calling her names etc. Which she definetly may deserve but I don't think once a cheater always a cheater. * People make mistakes *and some people can change for the better. No one is perfect Before we were engaged I wasnt faithful but I apologized and promised never will again and I haven't so I don't agree with once this always. Not all but some people can make a mistake and change for the better. No one is perfect.


 Forgetting to stop at the store on the way home is a mistake. Ordering a hamburger instead of a cheeseburger is a mistake. People do make mistakes but infidelity is not a mistake. Infidelity is a choice that a spouse makes. They choose to put themselves in a position to cheat. After they are in the position to cheat they can still walk away before something happens. Infidelity is a choice.


----------



## Bryanpb

I am just curious but if the roles were reversed,
do you think your wife be so accepting and passive
as you have been?


----------



## wmn1

Rcox230 said:


> I hear you guys I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had before marriage. That's what's making it really hard because they love seeing me wake them up and put them to bed. But I am planning on sitting her down and showing her the videos then I have no choice but to leave once/if she confesses. I just hate that it's about to be xmas and I don't want to mess up my kids xmas.


There is a way to save videos that you see on websites. Save multiple copies so you have at least one she can't delete. She essentially badgered you into rugsweeping and believing her lies. Thankfully, though painfully, your friend came forward anonymously and gave you more truth than she ever did. Make sure he has his piece of mind and don't figure out who he is just be thankful for the info as you now have control


----------



## wmn1

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also, curious about the "friend" that emailed the videos. There are probably more than 10 million videos on that porn site and your friend managed to find your wife? Seems really odd. If they are really her I would suspect the OM sent them to you. Again, IF they are her. In the videos, does it appear she knows she is being recorded? She would have some big cojones to lie about the extent of her affair if she knew there were 4 or more videos of her floating around out there.


Something is fishy insofar as how a friend stumbled upon videos from 6 years ago from a popular website. None-the-less, he did and did the right thing in turning them over. But great question


----------



## wmn1

jsmart said:


> I agree. You need to be doubly sure. But I’m sure OP knows it’s her and that most likely these were loaded up by her affair partner.
> 
> This should be a lesson for BHs who’s WWs allowed her AP to video their sex acts. Are you sure you want to R with them? You’re basically co-signing to her naive belief that her AP won’t post these on some amateur milf site. Now you have to worry that your boys or one of their friends years later don’t get exposed to a video of mom perform sex acts with some dude who could give 2 sh... about her.
> 
> isn’t it insane how so many WWs are down for anything their AP wants but do you think she’d make a video with her husband for their own personal stash? Of course not you dirty perv. What kind of a woman do you think she is?


exactly !!


----------



## Cynthia

Rcox230 said:


> She didn’t know he was recording when she was about to turn around he stopped it. Guys do this all the time especially if your bent over or turned around. We will take our phone out and record


Maybe you do this all the time, but I don't think that is normal behavior on many levels. Certainly not everyone is doing it.
Is this how you know it's your wife, because you do this to her and it looks like your videos?


----------



## wmn1

wmn1 said:


> Something is fishy insofar as how a friend stumbled upon videos from 6 years ago from a popular website. None-the-less, he did and did the right thing in turning them over. But great question


I agree with the others as I read a bit further. My feeling is "Anonymous Friend " = AP. The question is why would he do that after 6-7 years ? Did he approach her again and was rejected or were they still somewhat active and she stopped it ? Regardless, with the video, you can't unsee what you saw. Did you make those video backups yet ?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I can't imagine the humiliation of having her bare ass plastered over cyberspace while her AP pounds it. Ultimate karma perhaps? Imagine her son being shown a video on his buddy's phone one day while his buddy says "hey, isn't that your mom"?


----------



## jlg07

Does your wife still work at the same company and is that guy still there?
When this happened did SHE QUIT, or did SHE make sure the guy left?
If not, how sure are you that it wasn't continuing even in to your marriage..?


----------



## D0nnivain

On the one level I kind of feel sorry for your wife IF she didn't know these videos were out there. She may have a claim for violations of various revenge porn laws. That doesn't solve your marriage. 

Whatever this was, if you are sure it's from 6 years ago, take a deep breath before you do anything. For you it's new info but for her it's ancient history. She thinks her long ago confession cleared the air & now you two are married & solid. 

Yes she cheated but she cheated on a dating relationship, not her marriage vows. You forgave her for cheating so that should be past. Now it's been dredged up again. 

You will never un-see the images & that will be very difficult to overcome. I'm not sure I could get the images of my husband having sex with somebody else out of my head because intellectually knowing somebody had other partners before me is a far cry from having the gory details shoved in your face in living color. If you can't get over it, just walk away because punishing her forever just puts both of you in a living hell. 

If you want to try to move forward & stay married, get the kids out of the house on 12/26 & have a long talk. Show her what you have. Explain how hurt & upset you are. Get it all out. Don't let her gaslight you or downplay it. But do think about whether she's been faithful since you married. If she has & you have no reason to doubt that, make a plan to see a MC. You won't get through this without a lot of long difficult conversations & a lot of time. Having a professional's input will facilitate healing. 

Best wishes whichever way you chose to go.


----------



## Talker67

jonty30 said:


> Not an excuse, but it would be proof that she wasn't over your act of infidelity.
> When one spouse is unfaithful, the other spouse feels like you got a bonus in the marriage and they have a loss.
> Sometimes they make up for that loss by an act of infidelity of their own.
> That way you also have a loss and she gets a bonus.


i can not blame a betrayed spouse from thinking that way!


----------



## Talker67

MattMatt said:


> @Rcox230 Are you 100% certain the videos are your wife? There have been instances of mistaken identity with such videos.
> 
> It's very unlikely she knows he published the videos, it is is her in them.


not sure where to find it, but there is software for face recognition that could analyze if it was her or not


----------



## MattMatt

Talker67 said:


> not sure where to find it, but there is software for face recognition that could analyze if it was her or not


There is, but as the "friend" claimed to recognise her from her rear, that's probably not going to be helpful.


----------



## Talker67

Galabar01 said:


> Why does anyone care how the videos were created or how they were uploaded? None of that helps the OP. She cheated and lied. That is all the OP needs to focus on and deal with.


photos have metadata hidden in them, to tell you the date and location.
i wonder if videos from a phone also have the metadata?
the OP could tell if these are videos from before he met his wife, or at a time after they were married. would make a big difference to me

edit: i see one of your kids is 14 years old. cell phones 15 years ago did not have video capability. So, IF it is really her, it was def taken while you were married to her.
still, metadata would tell you if it was 6 year old video, or last year....
and if the metadata shows it was shot in California, and you live in Georgia....that is evidence it is not her at all


----------



## Talker67

_"What is video metadata? Video metadata is all available information about a digital video file – like the author, date created, location shot, camera information and upload date."



https://www.canto.com/blog/video-metadata/


_
Maybe someone more computer literate can recommend a valid program/app to scan the video metadata. A lot of free programs contain malware that you do not want to download.

Also, there is no guarantee that the metadata was not stripped off when the video was uploaded to the porn site. but it is worth a try.

odds are you would actually have to download the four video files, not just stream them, to scan the metadata....but i am not sure on that


----------



## jparistotle

Rcox230 said:


> I’m not I know I’m gonna leave I’m just worried about my kids and I don’t want to mess up there Xmas. I will confront her after


Take some time to de-compress. But you have to confront. The longer you wait the more time those videos are up there. She has to know. It is illegal to post a video without consent from both parties. Your wife has a case but she needs to know the consequeenses of her actions and at the moment it is not you. It is the other guy. This is no longer about you but her and the whole world. What if the friend is truly a freind and he tells other friends. She needs to know and deal with this now. The more you wait the more other people you know who uses that site will figure it out


----------



## Divinely Favored

D0nnivain said:


> On the one level I kind of feel sorry for your wife IF she didn't know these videos were out there. She may have a claim for violations of various revenge porn laws. That doesn't solve your marriage.
> 
> Whatever this was, if you are sure it's from 6 years ago, take a deep breath before you do anything. For you it's new info but for her it's ancient history. She thinks her long ago confession cleared the air & now you two are married & solid.
> 
> Yes she cheated but she cheated on a dating relationship, not her marriage vows. You forgave her for cheating so that should be past. Now it's been dredged up again.
> 
> You will never un-see the images & that will be very difficult to overcome. I'm not sure I could get the images of my husband having sex with somebody else out of my head because intellectually knowing somebody had other partners before me is a far cry from having the gory details shoved in your face in living color. If you can't get over it, just walk away because punishing her forever just puts both of you in a living hell.
> 
> If you want to try to move forward & stay married, get the kids out of the house on 12/26 & have a long talk. Show her what you have. Explain how hurt & upset you are. Get it all out. Don't let her gaslight you or downplay it. But do think about whether she's been faithful since you married. If she has & you have no reason to doubt that, make a plan to see a MC. You won't get through this without a lot of long difficult conversations & a lot of time. Having a professional's input will facilitate healing.
> 
> Best wishes whichever way you chose to go.


They were engaged to be married...not just dating.
I have no sympathy for her on the least having her ass plastered all over the net...part of her carma for being a cheater.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

D0nnivain said:


> On the one level I kind of feel sorry for your wife IF she didn't know these videos were out there. She may have a claim for violations of various revenge porn laws. That doesn't solve your marriage.
> 
> Whatever this was, if you are sure it's from 6 years ago, take a deep breath before you do anything. For you it's new info but for her it's ancient history. She thinks her long ago confession cleared the air & now you two are married & solid.
> 
> Yes she cheated but she cheated on a dating relationship, not her marriage vows. You forgave her for cheating so that should be past. Now it's been dredged up again.
> 
> You will never un-see the images & that will be very difficult to overcome. I'm not sure I could get the images of my husband having sex with somebody else out of my head because intellectually knowing somebody had other partners before me is a far cry from having the gory details shoved in your face in living color. If you can't get over it, just walk away because punishing her forever just puts both of you in a living hell.
> 
> If you want to try to move forward & stay married, get the kids out of the house on 12/26 & have a long talk. Show her what you have. Explain how hurt & upset you are. Get it all out. Don't let her gaslight you or downplay it. But do think about whether she's been faithful since you married. If she has & you have no reason to doubt that, make a plan to see a MC. You won't get through this without a lot of long difficult conversations & a lot of time. Having a professional's input will facilitate healing.
> 
> Best wishes whichever way you chose to go.


----------



## SunCMars

jonty30 said:


> Not an excuse, but it would be proof that she wasn't over your act of infidelity.
> When one spouse is unfaithful, the other spouse feels like you got a bonus in the marriage and they have a loss.
> Sometimes they make up for that loss by an act of infidelity of their own.
> That way you also have a loss and she gets a bonus.


She became a Mad Hatter, or so it seems.

Hopefully, you will find out (one way, or the other), once she is confronted.


----------



## MattMatt

Talker67 said:


> photos have metadata hidden in them, to tell you the date and location.
> i wonder if videos from a phone also have the metadata?
> the OP could tell if these are videos from before he met his wife, or at a time after they were married. would make a big difference to me
> 
> edit: i see one of your kids is 14 years old. cell phones 15 years ago did not have video capability. So, IF it is really her, it was def taken while you were married to her.
> still, metadata would tell you if it was 6 year old video, or last year....
> and if the metadata shows it was shot in California, and you live in Georgia....that is evidence it is not her at all


Yeah, but small video cameras were available six years ago. It's more likely that it was recorded with a small video camera/recorder. 

I'm thinking something like the Flip Video UltraHD Video Camera that had a 4GB internal memory. The size was 15.6 x 9.4 x 7 cm.


----------



## syhoybenden

Rcox230 said:


> She didn’t know he was recording when she was about to turn around he stopped it. Guys do this all the time especially if your bent over or turned around. We will take our phone out and record


We will take our phone out ........???

WE? 

Like you?

You've done this? Presumably with your wife? And if so, why? And has anyone else seen them?

I hope I'm misconstruing. I really do.


----------



## ElOtro

MattMatt said:


> There is, but as the "friend" claimed to recognise her from her rear, that's probably not going to be helpful.


As I work in the IT field, I wonder if developing a but recognition software would be socially helpful


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Rcox230 said:


> She didn’t know he was recording when she was about to turn around he stopped it. Guys do this all the time especially if your bent over or turned around. We will take our phone out and record


If this is really what you and your "guys" do you are a creep and a criminal. In what world is it acceptable to record someone having sex without their permission? You don't even seem to have any concern about this. Have you ever heard "you reap what you sow"? Your immoral behavior and views are catching up with you.


----------



## Rcox230

Bryanpb said:


> I am just curious but if the roles were reversed,
> do you think your wife be so accepting and passive
> as you have been?


Yes


Bryanpb said:


> I am just curious but if the roles were reversed,
> do you think your wife be so accepting and passive
> as you have been?





wmn1 said:


> I agree with the others as I read a bit further. My feeling is "Anonymous Friend " = AP. The question is why would he do that after 6-7 years ? Did he approach her again and was rejected or were they still somewhat active and she stopped it ? Regardless, with the video, you can't unsee what you saw. Did you make those video backups yet ?


Yes i did


----------



## wmn1

MattMatt said:


> There is, but as the "friend" claimed to recognise her from her rear, that's probably not going to be helpful.


Here is what I am thinking and what's missing on this thread so far. There is a lot of concern about if anyone saw her face but the guy is going to have a whole lot harder time hiding his, or at least one could possibly assume. If the guy in the video is him, the woman looks like her from the back and it potentially dates back to then, in all likelihood, it's her. At this point, and how his wife threw the gauntlet down and said move on but was loose on the facts, the OP has little choice but to assume it is her at this point. There are ways to strategically put her on the defensive while holding the upper hand. The fact that these fell in his hands now gives him another opportunity at getting the truth. 

I agree with everything you are saying here too but at least it's more than enough to reopen it.

I also feel that she had to turn around and show her face during the videos at least once, otherwise this guy is facing all types of circumstances which would make this entire thread's scenario nearly impossible to come together.

Just an additional thought on missing information. Unless someone pointed this out already and I missed it, which is quite possible.

I think you are on the right track, Matt


----------



## wmn1

Rcox230 said:


> Yes
> 
> 
> Yes i did


Good


----------



## Anastasia6

Well since you have decided you are divorcing her really nothing to do now.

See a lawyer as soon as possible (you don't have to tell her you are seeing one). Find out what your options are going to be. DNA the kids, again you can generally do this without her knowledge there are kits for at home use like $50 a piece.

Have a good Christmas and follow your lawyer's advice.

ETA: really creepy you think it is ok and that guys do it all the time to record sex without the others permission. Just ew.


----------



## Livvie

D0nnivain said:


> On the one level I kind of feel sorry for your wife IF she didn't know these videos were out there. She may have a claim for violations of various revenge porn laws. That doesn't solve your marriage.
> 
> Whatever this was, if you are sure it's from 6 years ago, take a deep breath before you do anything. For you it's new info but for her it's ancient history. She thinks her long ago confession cleared the air & now you two are married & solid.
> 
> Yes she cheated but she cheated on a dating relationship, not her marriage vows. You forgave her for cheating so that should be past. Now it's been dredged up again.
> 
> You will never un-see the images & that will be very difficult to overcome. I'm not sure I could get the images of my husband having sex with somebody else out of my head because intellectually knowing somebody had other partners before me is a far cry from having the gory details shoved in your face in living color. If you can't get over it, just walk away because punishing her forever just puts both of you in a living hell.
> 
> If you want to try to move forward & stay married, get the kids out of the house on 12/26 & have a long talk. Show her what you have. Explain how hurt & upset you are. Get it all out. Don't let her gaslight you or downplay it. But do think about whether she's been faithful since you married. If she has & you have no reason to doubt that, make a plan to see a MC. You won't get through this without a lot of long difficult conversations & a lot of time. Having a professional's input will facilitate healing.
> 
> Best wishes whichever way you chose to go.


I disagree: she cheated in a "dating" relationship so it isn't so bad? What?

They were engaged. 

If someone cheats on you in an engaged relationship would you go ahead and marry them, it's okay because you weren't married yet???


----------



## wmn1

Livvie said:


> I disagree: she cheated in a "dating" relationship so it isn't so bad? What?
> 
> They were engaged.
> 
> If someone cheats on you in an engaged relationship would you go ahead and marry them, it's okay because you weren't married yet???


agreed


----------



## Diana7

To be honest if neither of you is bothered about being faithful then why are you bothered?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> To be honest if neither of you is bothered about being faithful then why are you bothered?


----------



## BruceBanner

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


What difference does it make she had cheated regardless. You should've dumped her years ago.



Rcox230 said:


> I have the videos it’s crazy because he created his profile page on that site in 2019. This affair happened in 2014


You think people don't keep old files and videos for years and years?


----------



## Talker67

ElOtro said:


> As I work in the IT field, I wonder if developing a but recognition software would be socially helpful


i volunteer to help with the female field trials


----------



## Talker67

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think the real issue is that he is jealous of her and her ability to get the attention other men while he is left out in the cold. I bet he wouldn't be complaining if he were chatting up and sexting with women online.


that IS the dilemma for guys wanting to open their marriage up to swinging.
their wife gets twenty requests for hookups, and they are there waiting for even one reply back!

unless you look like brad pitt....better think twice, men!


----------



## Cynthia

Realistically, you know this is your wife, because no one but you should recognize her in a sexual position that doesn't include her face in the picture. Whomever sent this to you took the video and he isn't your friend.


----------



## Talker67

Anastasia6 said:


> Well since you have decided you are divorcing her really nothing to do now.


where did the OP say that?

i thought he was ok with her stepping out, and just wanted the at-home frequency of sex to go up!


----------



## Anastasia6

Talker67 said:


> where did the OP say that?
> 
> i thought he was ok with her stepping out, and just wanted the at-home frequency of sex to go up!





Rcox230 said:


> I’m not I know I’m gonna leave I’m just worried about my kids and I don’t want to mess up there Xmas. I will confront her after


----------



## nextbigadv

Talker67 said:


> where did the OP say that?
> 
> i thought he was ok with her stepping out, and just wanted the at-home frequency of sex to go up!


Wrong thread. Your talking about the secret text thread


----------



## Rcox230

D0nnivain said:


> On the one level I kind of feel sorry for your wife IF she didn't know these videos were out there. She may have a claim for violations of various revenge porn laws. That doesn't solve your marriage.
> 
> Whatever this was, if you are sure it's from 6 years ago, take a deep breath before you do anything. For you it's new info but for her it's ancient history. She thinks her long ago confession cleared the air & now you two are married & solid.
> 
> Yes she cheated but she cheated on a dating relationship, not her marriage vows. You forgave her for cheating so that should be past. Now it's been dredged up again.
> 
> You will never un-see the images & that will be very difficult to overcome. I'm not sure I could get the images of my husband having sex with somebody else out of my head because intellectually knowing somebody had other partners before me is a far cry from having the gory details shoved in your face in living color. If you can't get over it, just walk away because punishing her forever just puts both of you in a living hell.
> 
> If you want to try to move forward & stay married, get the kids out of the house on 12/26 & have a long talk. Show her what you have. Explain how hurt & upset you are. Get it all out. Don't let her gaslight you or downplay it. But do think about whether she's been faithful since you married. If she has & you have no reason to doubt that, make a plan to see a MC. You won't get through this without a lot of long difficult conversations & a lot of time. Having a professional's input will facilitate healing.
> 
> Best wishes whichever way you chose to go.


This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


I understand why you want to wait, but I think it is a mistake. She now knows it is out there. You don't think this is going to be an issue for the next 10 days? This would be a good opportunity to say, hey about those pictures. Are you sure you didn't do more with your AP and maybe he recorded it?


----------



## BruceBanner

Prime example of why you do not take cheaters back folks. This entire situation is about to ruin Christmas for you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

I would ask she if she has anything to hide and if the guy she cheated on you with videoed them secretly? let her ponder that for a bit...then tell her that if it is true then she has sealed her death warrant


----------



## Cynthia

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


Don't rug sweep. She brought it up. It will be much harder to deal with this if you wait until later. Something weird is going on. 
Also, if she deleted the email, how is she going to track the email address? Sounds like she didn't delete the email after all.
Are the photos blurry?


----------



## Talker67

nextbigadv said:


> Wrong thread. Your talking about the secret text thread


you are right! 
its hard to tell them all apart without a score card.


----------



## Anastasia6

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


Ok so here are a couple questions.

Have you ever filmed your wife?

Someone is fishing for something.
If you have filmed your wife could this be her trying to get you to admit it or see if you have posted anything you filmed.

You know without her knowing. Putting your phone down when she started to turn around.

It goes back to how sure are you this is actually your wife? Are there any tatoos, birthmarks, scars or such that are identifying?


----------



## wmn1

Talker67 said:


> that IS the dilemma for guys wanting to open their marriage up to swinging.
> their wife gets twenty requests for hookups, and they are there waiting for even one reply back!
> 
> unless you look like brad pitt....better think twice, men!


one of the dilemmas, the other being moral/ethical but yes, very true. That's why most of those guys end up in divorce court


----------



## Resu

MattMatt said:


> Whoever posted them to the site is probably guilty of a crime


Does she know that these are online?
Is this illeagal in her jurisdiction?
Her rights; her call.

General 2p worth - 
It looks like "POSOM" has shot his bolt if you pardon the expression (!) but is looking for manipulation/revenge for rejection. Wife sounds more grown up and straightforward by just deleting rather than rolling around in it.(Probably another poor expression in the context.🤣) Maybe time for common policy + united front with this eejit whether you two stay together or not?


----------



## Willnotbill

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


If your wife got an email too something is going on and its definately not a friend. Your wife may be cheating but what this "friend" is doing could be criminal. It might be a good time to contact the police


----------



## ElOtro

Talker67 said:


> i volunteer to help with the female field trials


It´s useful to have a functional expert in the developer´s team


----------



## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


Wait until after Christmas? Are you insane? You need to lay everything out NOW. You don’t want her think you were part of this.

This POS who filmed the mother of your boys is trying to further hurt your family. What your wife did during her affair was completely F’d up but you have decide if you’re either going to D her for her affair being much worse than she portrayed or you will once again forgive her for her past lying. Also you MUST determine if this is from that past or if it continued until more recently.


----------



## ElOtro

Willnotbill said:


> Your wife may be cheating but what this "friend" is doing could be criminal.


There is a legal distinction, not any other and deeper one.


----------



## Openminded

Perfect opportunity to ask her in a low-key way.


----------



## Divinely Favored

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, but small video cameras were available six years ago. It's more likely that it was recorded with a small video camera/recorder.
> 
> I'm thinking something like the Flip Video UltraHD Video Camera that had a 4GB internal memory. The size was 15.6 x 9.4 x 7 cm.


If it is not from more recently.


----------



## jsmart

Your wife being contacted by this slime ball is bad enough but your wife asked you if you took pictures of her. So that kind of proves that she had no idea that POS took those videos. With her asking if you took pics of her, she’s thinking it could be you. How could you not right then and there used that as your opening to put all the cards on the table.

This is not a game. Waiting until after Christmas is a very bad move. Do you want the cops questioning you? Yes she committed adultery but the police and the courts could give to poops about that. They will deeply investigate revenge porn. Do not let this turn around into something you did or could be a part of.


----------



## Rcox230

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so here are a couple questions.
> 
> Have you ever filmed your wife?
> 
> Someone is fishing for something.
> If you have filmed your wife could this be her trying to get you to admit it or see if you have posted anything you filmed.
> 
> You know without her knowing. Putting your phone down when she started to turn around.
> 
> It goes back to how sure are you this is actually your wife? Are there any tatoos, birthmarks, scars or such that are identifying?


I have never filmed my wife and I’m not 100% sure it’s her but like said I know her ass and moans


----------



## SunCMars

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


Oh, boy...

The DARVO and gaslighting begins.

She knows you have them, the AP told her.

There goes the hoped-for shock effect (when you were to bring this up, with her being caught unawares).

Damn, where she could not have the time to come up with a plausible answer.

Or, she is telling the truth, as best as she can.


----------



## SunCMars

Time to play your copy of the video.


----------



## syhoybenden

SunCMars said:


> Time to play your copy of the video.


And let the chips fall where they may.


----------



## jsmart

SunCMars said:


> Oh, boy...
> 
> The DARVO and gaslighting begins.
> 
> She knows you have them, the AP told her.
> 
> There goes the hoped-for shock effect (when you brought this up, with her being caught unawares).
> 
> Damn, where she could not have the time to come up with a plausible answer.
> 
> Or, she is telling the truth, as best as she can.


Oh snap. Didn’t even think about that possibility. If that is the case, it could be that he was trying to blackmail her into either continuing the affair or to restart. This is why OP must determine if the affair has gone on for years. Could it have ended shortly before he posted on the site? That would make sense for a spiteful POS. How many threads have we had where the WW was trying to end it but kept being reeled back in. 

You better do a deep dive because my spidey senses are tingling that her affair did not end until more recently. How has the marriage been since 2019? I’ve read threads where the marriage improved and then years later the BH finds that it coincided with the end of her affair.


----------



## Rob_1

Jesus dude: the cat is out of the bag. Anyway why the hell do you have to wait until after Xmas. Now I can see why you didn't end the relationship at first.


----------



## Rcox230

Rob_1 said:


> Jesus dude: the cat is out of the bag. Anyway why the hell do you have to wait until after Xmas. Now I can see why you didn't end the relationship at first.


Because I have small kids homie it’s not about me you get it?????


----------



## Galabar01

Rcox230 said:


> Because I have small kids homie it’s not about me you get it?????


I think you're taking your anger out on the wrong people. It is your wife you should be mad at.

At this point, I don't think this is going to make it until after Christmas. It is time to confront. Wait for the kids to get to bed and then have a calm conversation with your wife. Tell her that you received the videos and you think it is her. You think she lied to you about her past with the AP. You should insist on a polygraph test and a DNA test for the kids.

You don't need to yell and scream. You can tell her that things can remain more or less normal during the holiday. However, you will expect the above for any chance at reconcilliation.

Also, tell her she has just one chance to tell you the truth (and stick to that).


----------



## Evinrude58

I’d say you have the full video version, you know it’s her and you want the truth. Do NOT show her your video, then she knows you don’t have her face in it. Let her think you know more than you do. I agree it’s past time to confront. You are incredibly passive.


----------



## Rcox230

Galabar01 said:


> I think you're taking your anger out on the wrong people. It is your wife you should be mad at.
> 
> At this point, I don't think this is going to make it until after Christmas. It is time to confront. Wait for the kids to get to bed and then have a calm conversation with your wife. Tell her that you received the videos and you think it is her. You think she lied to you about her past with the AP. You should insist on a polygraph test and a DNA test for the kids.
> 
> You don't need to yell and scream. You can tell her that things can remain more or less normal during the holiday. However, you will expect the above for any chance at reconcilliation.
> 
> Also, tell her she has just one chance to tell you the truth (and stick to that).


It totally agree with you I am a little upset especially with some peoples comments but I agree with you


----------



## Rcox230

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d say you have the full video version, you know it’s her and you want the truth. Do NOT show her your video, then she knows you don’t have her face in it. Let her think you know more than you do. I agree it’s past time to confront. You are incredibly passive.


Passive because I care about my kids well being than me and hers???


----------



## Rcox230

Galabar01 said:


> I think you're taking your anger out on the wrong people. It is your wife you should be mad at.
> 
> At this point, I don't think this is going to make it until after Christmas. It is time to confront. Wait for the kids to get to bed and then have a calm conversation with your wife. Tell her that you received the videos and you think it is her. You think she lied to you about her past with the AP. You should insist on a polygraph test and a DNA test for the kids.
> 
> You don't need to yell and scream. You can tell her that things can remain more or less normal during the holiday. However, you will expect the above for any chance at reconcilliation.
> 
> Also, tell her she has just one chance to tell you the truth (and stick to that).


Yeah i think you may be right 10 days seems like a long way away now


----------



## Galabar01

Rcox230 said:


> Yeah i think you may be right 10 days seems like a long way away now


Face it now. Keep your cool. Be a grey rock!!!


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

Are you leaning on staying but opening up the relationship?


----------



## ShatteredKat

Rcox ?

so are you telling the crowd here you are having a happy home life at this time so the "kids don't see any strife?" Or?

Or you just postponing the inevitable moment when having a conversation and you bring up "videos" that 
may be fake and then the inevitable denial/blame shifting/obfuscating et.? 

Unless you and your spouse are class 1A actors - your children (even @ 3) sense something amis

get a grip on yourself - do your duty and have a round table (without children of course) - get a VOR or set up your phone to record the entire conversation so you can review later when your emotions have calmed.

Or, you can just say "phucket" and move forward with establishing yourself as a separate entity from your spouse.

wish you luck -


----------



## Evinrude58

Rcox230 said:


> Passive because I care about my kids well being than me and hers???


Passive because you’ve been given a video of her screwing another man…… And you’re scared to even have it out with her. You’ve been deathly afraid of losing her ever since a guy “barely stuck it in” your fiancée, whom you still married, now this, abd you can’t bring yourself to say anything. 
let her worry for once about the kids and maybe even you. This isn’t something a man sits on that isn’t extremely passive. Just my opinion.


----------



## Tobyboy

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


How is she going to track the email address if she deleted it? Perhaps the email is in the trash bin still? Ask for the email address!!


----------



## jonty30

Tobyboy said:


> How is she going to track the email address if she deleted it? Perhaps the email is in the trash bin still? Ask for the email address!!


He would still have the metadata of the videos he received.


----------



## Hurthusband77

SunCMars said:


> Oh, boy...
> 
> The DARVO and gaslighting begins.
> 
> She knows you have them, the AP told her.
> 
> There goes the hoped-for shock effect (when you brought this up, with her being caught unawares).
> 
> Damn, where she could not have the time to come up with a plausible answer.
> 
> Or, she is telling the truth, as best as she can.


100% agree, she’s trying to lead the narrative here. She knows these videos are out there and that you have them. I wouldn’t wait, the longer you wait, the more time she has to craft her responses to what she thinks you will ask.


----------



## Rob_1

Rcox230 said:


> Because I have small kids homie it’s not about me you get it?????


Listen dude: it's you who should get it. Actually you should have gotten it the moment you saw those videos. 

Your kids and Xmas have got nothing to do with what your actions in respect to your situation should be. It seems that you actually lacks balls to confront. You're afraid. 

You could have had it all in the open the moment you found out, and make provisions for your kids to celebrate the holidays, but no; You're cowering to do anything using your kids and holidays as an excuse. Actually, it seems that you've been making excuses since day one, before marriage.


----------



## Rcox230

Rob_1 said:


> Listen dude: it's you who should get it. Actually you should have gotten it the moment you saw those videos.
> 
> Your kids and Xmas have got nothing to do with what your actions in respect to your situation should be. It seems that you actually lacks balls to confront. You're afraid.
> 
> You could have had it all in the open the moment you found out, and make provisions for your kids to celebrate the holidays, but no; You're cowering to do anything using your kids and holidays as an excuse. Actually, it seems that you've been making excuses since day one, before marriage.


Haha ok dude


----------



## ABHale

Your wife knows it is her in the video.

You need to talk with a lawyer to protect yourself. Tell them everything.

Unless you trusty your wife not to turn this on you to save herself. All she has to do is accuse you of posting the videos of her. Do you trust her not to do this?


----------



## Rcox230

ABHale said:


> Your wife knows it is her in the video.
> 
> You need to talk with a lawyer to protect yourself. Tell them everything.
> 
> Unless you trusty your wife not to turn this on you to save herself. All she has to do is accuse you of posting the videos of her. Do you trust her not to do this?


Definitely do not trust


----------



## Rob_1

Rcox230 said:


> Haha ok dude


Well, if it's a laughing matter to you, then by all means do what you must You and your wife are already putting a fake front in front of each other and the kids. Do you think that having the same fake front but with everything out in the open would make a difference to your kids well being for the holidays?


----------



## ABHale

Rcox230 said:


> Definitely do not trust


Then get a lawyer. Protect yourself and kids.


----------



## Tatsuhiko

If it was sent to a gmail account, check her trash folder. It will be there unless she took the extra step of emptying her trash.

As others have pointed out, it's VERY suspicious behavior to express a desire to trace an email while deleting that email. She has a lot to hide.

It's possible that she just recently ended the affair and her lover is getting his revenge.


----------



## Galabar01

Rcox230 said:


> Definitely do not trust


Can you turn the recorder on on your phone? Also, again, remain _calm_ when you talk to her. Do not let yourself get angry and do not let her get you angry.

Ask questions and let her answer them. Don't give her any additional information. Let her (proverbially) hang herself.


----------



## jsmart

The more that you reveal, the more it’s looking like her affair continued for years. It is most likely that she ended affair and POS posted on the site shortly there after out of spite. He may have recently reached out to rekindle the affair and was rebuffed, so he sent you the pics to spite her. 

Once the kids are down to sleep, you need to confront. Tell her she has one chance to come clean about the extent of the affair and when It really ended. Do not let the fact that the video only has her backside. Let her believe you have more evidence.

Let her know that you will be doing dna testing on the kids. Even if you’re sure they’re yours, do it anyway to send the message to her that she has caused you to question your whole marriage . Tell her you want a timeline of the affair and that you will be requiring her to do a poly on the timeline.

We know that with kids, this is very serious situation but that can’t stop you from taking action. She knows you know something because it is very likely that POS recently tried to blackmail her. That this guy is trying to blow up her life can be seen as slight good because it means that she ended things and refused to restart, despite threats of blackmail. Hopefully this is because she came to her senses and wants to fight for her marriage and family and not because she just didn’t want him.


----------



## Rcox230

jsmart said:


> The more that you reveal, the more it’s looking like her affair continued for years. It is most likely that she ended affair and POS posted on the site shortly there after out of spite. He may have recently reached out to rekindle the affair and was rebuffed, so he sent you the pics to spite her.
> 
> Once the kids are down to sleep, you need to confront. Tell her she has one chance to come clean about the extent of the affair and when It really ended. Do not let the fact that the video only has her backside. Let her believe you have more evidence.
> 
> Let her know that you will be doing dna testing on the kids. Even if you’re sure they’re yours, do it anyway to send the message to her that she has caused you to question your whole marriage . Tell her you want a timeline of the affair and that you will be requiring her to do a poly on the timeline.
> 
> We know that with kids, this is very serious situation but that can’t stop you from taking action. She knows you know something because it is very likely that POS recently tried to blackmail her. That this guy is trying to blow up her life can be seen as slight good because it means that she ended things and refused to restart, despite threats of blackmail. Hopefully this is because she came to her senses and wants to fight for her marriage and family and not because she just didn’t want him.


That’s real talk man thank you


----------



## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> That’s real talk man thank you


Definitely a polygraph test is going to be needed to get at the truth here. 
Even if she gives a parking lot confession, which has been known to happen, she still needs to undergo one to be certain.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

As others have suggested, he told her he sent you the videos OP. She's in panic mode. I question wether it all ended 6 years ago. As you dig deeper into this, I suspect you're really not going to like what your shovel hits.


----------



## SunCMars

jonty30 said:


> He would still have the metadata of the videos he received.


Photos can be deciphered on Windows machines and other platforms.

A video requires special software.
Try the below link.
I have no idea if it works, they claim it does.

Do not try it with the copy you have, use another copy made from yours.
Just to be safe.






Free Video Metadata Viewer - Read Video Metadata Online - FlexClip


FlexClip’s online video metadata viewer helps you quickly upload your video to extract the metadata. Many video formats are supported. Try it for free now!




www.flexclip.com


----------



## jsmart

I think OP is starting to realize that the chances that affair ended 6 years ago are very slim. The most likely scenario is that it ended back in 2019, which means that her affair lasted 4 years, which includes the time his wife got pregnant and had their kids. 

I know he doesn’t want to face the end of his young family but it’s really looking like her affair was way more involved than he ever thought. A LTA of 4 years very likely included I love you and she may have wanted to be with OM but he only wanted her for sex. If the affair did take place during the pregnancy, that is going to be very hurtful to OP to know she was letting this POS nut in her while carrying his sons. If that did happen, did she think he was the father of one or both of them? Did she wish that he were?

Recently there was a thread of a WW that had a very sexual affair while they were purposely trying to get pregnant and continued until caught 2 weeks before giving birth. This WW had the nerve to try to play the victim card. So don’t be surprised if your WW tries to play the you weren’t there for me card.


----------



## jsmart

@Rcox230 did you check the full collection of videos? I ask because could there be other videos that clearly show she knew she was being filmed. With the possibility that this was an affair lasting 4 or more years, a WW would allow herself to be filmed because he was her man. 

WW really leave their brains behind when it comes to doing anything to keep the ego kibbles coming, including being more wanton than you could ever imagine. It’s something we see in thread after thread, they not only perform sex acts that the husband will never get but are very willing to make sex videos. So don’t be surprised if you find videos that she freely took part in.

If you can get a hold of her old phones from that period, you may be able to get more details. You need to check her text, social media, and emails before she goes on a deleting frenzy.


----------



## MattMatt

I wonder if AP has been blackmailed by a third party? "Pay me $$$ or I will send the BS of your lover the videos?" 

AP could have phoned her in a panic wondering if it was her husband who was blackmailing him?


----------



## jparistotle

Rcox230 said:


> Because I have small kids homie it’s not about me you get it?????


Why are you here? Seems like you just want the drama. You should have told her already about the porn site. You should have told her someone sent you the videos. The kids have nothing to do with this. This is an adult discussion between you and your wife. It seems like soemone is playing you both and you seem to enjoy it. Stop using the kids as an excuse. Man up and deal with this. You were notified and did nothing. She was notified and you played dumb. What is your deal?


----------



## manwithnoname

Tatsuhiko said:


> If it was sent to a gmail account, check her trash folder. It will be there unless she took the extra step of emptying her trash.
> 
> As others have pointed out, it's VERY suspicious behavior to express a desire to trace an email while deleting that email. She has a lot to hide.
> 
> *It's possible that she just recently ended the affair and her lover is getting his revenge.*


This is a strong possibility when taking both recently getting an email into account.


----------



## Goose54

Rcox, sorry, I feel your focus is completely wrong, your priority should not be saving Christmas but getting those videos removed from xvideos site. The last thing and to me the most important, you don't want your kids seeing that crap, no matter what happens with your marriage. I'd suggest the involvement of your WW in doing that and backdoor gather the information YOU NEED about the A. 

To that point, I have not seen any post about header information on the emails, if it has then my apologize. You should be able to get at least the IP address from the header info on the emails you received and any emails your WW has from AP. How did AP get in touch with her, is there a hidden email account?

At this point it appears to me you are creating more of a situation for yourself with not confronting your WW. Like said, the cat is out of the bag and you are now providing your WW the ability to flip the scrip on you by knowing all this time and not saying anything and I dare say risking being accused and having to argue out of you actually being the poster. Simply, you're throwing shade on your actions, no matter how magnanimous (wanting to save Christmas).


----------



## blackclover3

@Rcox230 couple of years ago my wife got few emails from stranger pretending to know her with a copy of emails before we met. the first thing you she did was to show me immediately these messages and said do you know this guy. she also forward the messages to me. 

the fact that your wife deleted these emails without showing them to you is a proof that was her.

as others mentioned, it is not about saving Christmas - but do what is needed before she suspects and take action - since the email came from that person to your wife - monitor your bank accounts - she might take all the money because she thinks that you will divorce her if you get these videos. she might already have contacted a lawyer. 

you can still confront her and go through Christmas - there are many Christmases are coming to your kids in the upcoming years.


----------



## blackclover3

Rcox230 said:


> That’s real talk man thank you


to add, it appears she ended things recently and not long time ago - why would someone come from the past to stir the bot


----------



## Kaliber

@Rcox230 these videos don't make sense to me tbh, if it was taking with a smart phone then it's after you guys got married, you need to be %100 they are not recent, but it looks like it is!


----------



## Anastasia6

Kaliber said:


> @Rcox230 these videos don't make sense to me tbh, if it was taking with a smart phone then it's after you guys got married, you need to be %100 they are not recent, but it looks like it is!


They got married 6 years ago. Smart phones have been around longer than 6 years.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Kaliber said:


> @Rcox230 these videos don't make sense to me tbh, if it was taking with a smart phone then it's after you guys got married, you need to be %100 they are not recent, but it looks like it is!


Cell phones have been around, but the video metadata is sometimes not wiped by the host of the web-site and can contain sensor information, date and time stamps and even GPS coordinates. If you are really lucky, it may even contain a device-name which the poster might have changed to his own name.


----------



## Kaliber

Anastasia6 said:


> They got married 6 years ago. Smart phones have been around longer than 6 years.


You and @Dictum Veritas are correct, I missed this part and the part that he said the affair was in 2015:


Rcox230 said:


> I did forget to mention we have 2 boys that we had *before marriage.*


Never the less, @Rcox230 needs to make sure that these videos are not recent!


----------



## jsmart

Oh, I missed the part that the kids were from before they were married, so that means that this affair is after becoming a mother. I guess they were together for years before he proposed. It’s a head scratcher that wifing up your baby mamma makes her to decide to betray you in such a nasty way. We’re not talking about some drunken ONS. It really does seem that most likely her affair lasted for most of their marriage or may have ended 2019 at the earliest.

For sure he now knows that her saying “he only put the tip in” and it was only once are both proven to be lies but is now having to deal with this most likely being a multi year sexual affair, which I’m sure he’s reeling from the thought. Many here know that pain and feeling of emasculation. I really hope you stick around and use TAM as the incredible resource that it is.


----------



## Divinely Favored

jsmart said:


> Your wife being contacted by this slime ball is bad enough but your wife asked you if you took pictures of her. So that kind of proves that she had no idea that POS took those videos. With her asking if you took pics of her, she’s thinking it could be you. How could you not right then and there used that as your opening to put all the cards on the table.
> 
> This is not a game. Waiting until after Christmas is a very bad move. Do you want the cops questioning you? Yes she committed adultery but the police and the courts could give to poops about that. They will deeply investigate revenge porn. Do not let this turn around into something you did or could be a part of.


Thinking OP had something to do with those videos, to me that confirms to me she believes this is her and without realizing it, she has inadvertantly confirmed this is most likely her.


----------



## Talker67

SunCMars said:


> Photos can be deciphered on Windows machines and other platforms.
> 
> A video requires special software.
> Try the below link.
> I have no idea if it works, they claim it does.
> 
> Do not try it with the copy you have, use another copy made from yours.
> Just to be safe.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Free Video Metadata Viewer - Read Video Metadata Online - FlexClip
> 
> 
> FlexClip’s online video metadata viewer helps you quickly upload your video to extract the metadata. Many video formats are supported. Try it for free now!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.flexclip.com


this sounds like a good idea!


----------



## Asterix

Rcox230 said:


> I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


I think sticking to your original plan to wait until after xmas would have made sense had she been aware of the porn that's out there. Now that she knows, there's really no reason to wait unnecessarily. If you think you are ready to have that discussion with her, then by all means go for it. The xmas has been screwed up anyway because she had received the email already. 

She can always undelete the email and she can ask the email service provider to undelete the email for her.


----------



## Cynthia

@Rcox230, You are probably on information overload and highly stressed over all of this right now. This is understandable. Take some time to destress. Breathe. Think logically about this situation. Take the information you have gained from this thread. Make a plan to address this. Obviously, both you and your wife are highly stressed right now, so there is no further need to worry about Christmas. That ship has sailed. Now is the time to not let your emotions get the best of you, but to deal with this as calmly and logically as possible, so you can get to the bottom of it and not have a complete melt down. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you do have the ability to at least control yourself, so keep that in mind and take things one moment at a time.


----------



## Avgman

Thats tough...we have all been through something, that's why we are here. But to see videos of it, I can't stop seeing my wife and buddy getting it on even without a video of it. 
One thing I don't agree with that I see posted here over and over is the "show your boys that you don't have to put up with a cheating wife" I got the same response when I made the decision to stay. I don't know of these folks have kids, if not, they shouldn't make that comment and if they do I'm glad they weren't my parents. That's between you and her, it takes a low life to drag the kids into it. That's my opinion.


----------



## Diana7

Rcox230 said:


> This story is continuing as we speak. My wife just told me she received an email from someone Anonymous saying I can't believe this is you on a porn site with screen shots of one of the videos. She asked me did I have anything to do with this. I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos. Which I don't understand he already sent them to me. She said this is ridiculous she has never done porn or anything like that. She said she is going to try to get someone to track the email address. I could confront her now but I'm going to stick to my plan to wait until after xmas.


She hasn't knowingly been filmed. It appears she didnt know.
If it wasn't her she would have kept the email to show you.


----------



## Galabar01

Diana7 said:


> ...
> If it wasn't her she would have kept the email to show you.


So true.


----------



## Rcox230

Avgman said:


> Thats tough...we have all been through something, that's why we are here. But to see videos of it, I can't stop seeing my wife and buddy getting it on even without a video of it.
> One thing I don't agree with that I see posted here over and over is the "show your boys that you don't have to put up with a cheating wife" I got the same response when I made the decision to stay. I don't know of these folks have kids, if not, they shouldn't make that comment and if they do I'm glad they weren't my parents. That's between you and her, it takes a low life to drag the kids into it. That's my opinion.


Facts


----------



## Numb26

Avgman said:


> Thats tough...we have all been through something, that's why we are here. But to see videos of it, I can't stop seeing my wife and buddy getting it on even without a video of it.
> One thing I don't agree with that I see posted here over and over is the "show your boys that you don't have to put up with a cheating wife" I got the same response when I made the decision to stay. I don't know of these folks have kids, if not, they shouldn't make that comment and if they do I'm glad they weren't my parents. That's between you and her, it takes a low life to drag the kids into it. That's my opinion.


I have kids and I definitely can tell you that if I would have stayed with my cheating XW all it would have taught them was that it's ok to be a weak doormat who has no self-respect. But hey, you do you.


----------



## Cynthia

Diana7 said:


> She hasn't knowingly been filmed. It appears she didnt know.
> If it wasn't her she would have kept the email to show you.


Based on her comments to Rcox230, she still has it, but tried to make him think it was deleted. She said she wants to trace it, but you can't trace what you don't have. If this were me, I'd get into that email account asap and find out if there's more information that would help in understanding what exactly is going on.


----------



## skerzoid

Rcox230

When working on a site like this, take the advice you need and reject the advice that you feel is not right for your situation. Try not to get angry with those who are trying to give you "tough love".

Only you know your situation. You are the one who has to live with your decisions but listens to both sides. There is a world of knowledge here, but only some of it will apply to you.

Again, take what you need, but consider all angles. Many times we are blind to our realities and others can open our eyes.


----------



## Anastasia6

Diana7 said:


> She hasn't knowingly been filmed. It appears she didnt know.
> If it wasn't her she would have kept the email to show you.


I disagree. If I received a lude email with pictures I wouldn't show it to my husband. I'd delete it. Why would she show him?


----------



## Cynthia

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don't have to do everything at once. You can collect information and talk to your wife to figure out what is actually going on without making up your mind what you're going to do about it. You have plenty of time to decide what to do about the information you have, but you don't have a lot of time to respond to the current information. If you put it off, evidence will be lost that will make it hard for you to know what's happening in your own life. 

Clearly when your wife gets into a difficult situation, she tends to lie her way out of it. If you can have hard evidence, it will help you determine what the truth is.


----------



## ABHale

Avgman said:


> Thats tough...we have all been through something, that's why we are here. But to see videos of it, I can't stop seeing my wife and buddy getting it on even without a video of it.
> One thing I don't agree with that I see posted here over and over is the "show your boys that you don't have to put up with a cheating wife" I got the same response when I made the decision to stay. I don't know of these folks have kids, if not, they shouldn't make that comment and if they do I'm glad they weren't my parents. That's between you and her, it takes a low life to drag the kids into it. That's my opinion.


My mom cheated on my dad when I was 4. He divorced her because of it. Glad he did instead of the hell it would have been listening to the two of them fight, all the fights I witnessed after the D were started by my mom. Do what you want, no way in this world would I stay with a cheater.


----------



## Diana7

Anastasia6 said:


> I disagree. If I received a lude email with pictures I wouldn't show it to my husband. I'd delete it. Why would she show him?


Honesty and openness?
If someone has sent her an email with film claiming it's her, yes she should have kept it.


----------



## ABHale

Diana7 said:


> Honesty and openness?
> If someone has sent her an email with film claiming it's her, yes she should have kept it.


She knew it was her is why she deleted it.
She just doesn’t know who made the video.


----------



## Anastasia6

Diana7 said:


> Honesty and openness?
> If someone has sent her an email with film claiming it's her, yes she should have kept it.


Well I for sure would tell my husband which she did. But I wouldn't show him pictures of a naked woman. If it claimed to be me and from and old relationship. I"d tell him but I wouldn't show him. I'd delete it. Not to hide things from my husband but I would never knowingly show my husband naked women that most likely aren't me. IF it was me WHY would I want that image seared in his head. It would have nothing to do with whether it was before I met him or after we were together. It isn't an image he needs in his mind. Think of all the retro active jealousy we see hear. Can you imagine if those guys had pictures to go with it?


----------



## Lynnsnake

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


That must be a favorite story with women. “We were naked and he was on top of me between my legs in the back seat. His penis was against my vagina, but he didn’t put it in me”. That’s what my wife confessed to me once when we were half drunk. Who could believe a story like that? Men do not stop when they get that far! it’s going in and staying in until he orgasms in her. She finaly admitted his penis did go in. Luckily she didnt get pregnant, but could have. Moral of the story, your lady is way off in another galaxy. Don’t walk away, run!


----------



## jlg07

Anastasia6 said:


> Well I for sure would tell my husband which she did. But I wouldn't show him pictures of a naked woman. If it claimed to be me and from and old relationship. I"d tell him but I wouldn't show him. I'd delete it. Not to hide things from my husband but I would never knowingly show my husband naked women that most likely aren't me. IF it was me WHY would I want that image seared in his head. It would have nothing to do with whether it was before I met him or after we were together. It isn't an image he needs in his mind. Think of all the retro active jealousy we see hear. Can you imagine if those guys had pictures to go with it?


BUT the problem is she told him that she had deleted it, and then she was going to try and track down who this "email" was from. HOW would she do that if she did in fact delete the email?
OR she DID delete it, because she already KNOWS who it is from?


----------



## Wolfman1968

Rcox230 said:


> I have never filmed my wife and I’m not 100% sure it’s her but like said I know her ass and moans


OK, think of it this way. You don't need 100% indisputable evidence. You only need enough for HER to think that you believe it and that rational people would believe it. Or that you have more.
If you're a good poker player, you can get her to fold.

You've already said you can tell it's the Affair Partner in the video. It sounds like you could even tell it was his car. You have indicated that it looks enough like her (hair, moaning, buttocks), that you can have a high degree of belief it is her without the 100% indisputable facial recognition. That's what you start with.

It sounds like she was already in defensive mode when she told you about the email she got. It sounds to me like she is trying to control the narrative. You need to deny her that control to get her to confess.

Here's what I propose: (arrange to talk to her calmly, when the children are asleep. If possible, go out somewhere just the two of you while someone else watches the kids)

You tell her you got the email. You say you have verified that SOMEONE ELSE (i.e., not you) has posted sex videos of her and the affair partner.
Tell her that she is now on the internet. Tell her she has ONE CHANCE to be honest, and if she lies to you the marriage is over. (It may be over anyway, but there will be NO CHANCE to save it if she lies.) Tell her you have seen the AP, his car, her, etc., and you know it is her. DON'T SHOW HER THE VIDEOS and particularly do not show her the originals.
If she starts denying her, don't even argue. Tell her that you are sorry she chose to continue to lie to you and you are sorry she chose not to take the one chance to save the marriage. Tell her you cannot be with someone who will lie to you, because honesty is the basis of a marital relationship, and if she cannot be honest, then the whole relationship is false.
Then just start to walk out. As you leave, tell her that you have started arrangements with an attorney, and she will be hearing from your attorney.

For this to work, you have to be in control of yourself. You need to be cold, unemotional but firm. You need to have your heart frozen toward her. 
If, as I believe, she has been lying to you all along, it's because she believes the lies have the best chance for a favorable outcome for her. If she sees that continued lies will NOT be favorable for her, and will result in a worse outcome, then that's the best chance for her to break and confess.

Don't let her push you around into demanding that she show you the emails. Be upfront and tell her that she doesn't need to see the emails to you. If she knows the exactly how much you know, it gives her the opportunity to concoct a cover story that will try to address all your information. Then, she'll try to talk you into believing that story, however implausible it may be. Her uncertainty of your hand it what will give you the advantage. It's just like poker. You can't bluff or intimidate your opposing players if they know what cards you hold. It's the fear that you will have the stronger hand that will make her fold.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, think of it this way. You don't need 100% indisputable evidence. You only need enough for HER to think that you believe it and that rational people would believe it. Or that you have more.
> If you're a good poker player, you can get her to fold.
> 
> You've already said you can tell it's the Affair Partner in the video. It sounds like you could even tell it was his car. You have indicated that it looks enough like her (hair, moaning, buttocks), that you can have a high degree of belief it is her without the 100% indisputable facial recognition. That's what you start with.
> 
> It sounds like she was already in defensive mode when she told you about the email she got. It sounds to me like she is trying to control the narrative. You need to deny her that control to get her to confess.
> 
> Here's what I propose: (arrange to talk to her calmly, when the children are asleep. If possible, go out somewhere just the two of you while someone else watches the kids)
> 
> You tell her you got the email. You say you have verified that SOMEONE ELSE (i.e., not you) has posted sex videos of her and the affair partner.
> Tell her that she is now on the internet. Tell her she has ONE CHANCE to be honest, and if she lies to you the marriage is over. (It may be over anyway, but there will be NO CHANCE to save it if she lies.) Tell her you have seen the AP, his car, her, etc., and you know it is her. DON'T SHOW HER THE VIDEOS and particularly do not show her the originals.
> If she starts denying her, don't even argue. Tell her that you are sorry she chose to continue to lie to you and you are sorry she chose not to take the one chance to save the marriage. Tell her you cannot be with someone who will lie to you, because honesty is the basis of a marital relationship, and if she cannot be honest, then the whole relationship is false.
> Then just start to walk out. As you leave, tell her that you have started arrangements with an attorney, and she will be hearing from your attorney.
> 
> For this to work, you have to be in control of yourself. You need to be cold, unemotional but firm. You need to have your heart frozen toward her.
> If, as I believe, she has been lying to you all along, it's because she believes the lies have the best chance for a favorable outcome for her. If she sees that continued lies will NOT be favorable for her, and will result in a worse outcome, then that's the best chance for her to break and confess.
> 
> Don't let her push you around into demanding that she show you the emails. Be upfront and tell her that she doesn't need to see the emails to you. If she knows the exactly how much you know, it gives her the opportunity to concoct a cover story that will try to address all your information. Then, she'll try to talk you into believing that story, however implausible it may be. Her uncertainty of your hand it what will give you the advantage. It's just like poker. You can't bluff or intimidate your opposing players if they know what cards you hold. It's the fear that you will have the stronger hand that will make her fold.


Tell her you will be setting up polygraph too.


----------



## Evinrude58

You receiving the email and her mentioning she did is an obvious non-coincidence.
There’s some blackmailing or a jilted liver involvement here. I agree with the above in theory, but think you should do all this one chance confession thing, when you are IN the parking lot of the polygraph office with her in the car abd her not knowing anything about it.
However, I believe it should be done only with the rock solid mindset of truly divorcing her. She should be. If you show the slightest inkling of weakness on divorcing, she will know by hearing it in your voice. Don’t say much other than you have video, irrefutable proof, and she has one chance to come clean about all her activities and the polygraph is next.
If you give her any information further, you will give her the opportunity to lie. She will.
Don’t give her any opportunity. She’s a proven liar already.
Personally, I don’t think you have any choice but to divorce her because that’s where this was headed the day you married a liar. But I’d try to get the truth just because I’d want it, if I were you.


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## SunCMars

There is no dispute that she had an affair, while engaged.
She admitted, she did it.

_When_ these (4) video clips were taken, is still up for debate.

Whether these videos are truly 100%, the wife and her AP, remains, (only) as likely.
This, according to our poster.

There is no getting around this.
We do know she lied, she cheated.

Our poster has already rugswept the engagement-period affair.

We do not know if she cheated *after marriage.
That is the *question, plus_, the when_ of the video making.



_King Brian-_


----------



## wmn1

Rcox230 said:


> I have never filmed my wife and I’m not 100% sure it’s her but like said I know her ass and moans


I think the 'filming your wife' stuff is a distraction. Irrelevant. I am sure you didn't. 

My question to you is how you don't know if it's your wife. How don't you know if it is your wife or not ? Was she wearing a mask ? Never turned around ? And if she didn't, did you recognize him ? If it is time period and it is him, it's her. So stop with that. You have to know by now if it's her or not or have a pretty strong opinion. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's a duck


----------



## wmn1

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, think of it this way. You don't need 100% indisputable evidence. You only need enough for HER to think that you believe it and that rational people would believe it. Or that you have more.
> If you're a good poker player, you can get her to fold.
> 
> You've already said you can tell it's the Affair Partner in the video. It sounds like you could even tell it was his car. You have indicated that it looks enough like her (hair, moaning, buttocks), that you can have a high degree of belief it is her without the 100% indisputable facial recognition. That's what you start with.
> 
> It sounds like she was already in defensive mode when she told you about the email she got. It sounds to me like she is trying to control the narrative. You need to deny her that control to get her to confess.
> 
> Here's what I propose: (arrange to talk to her calmly, when the children are asleep. If possible, go out somewhere just the two of you while someone else watches the kids)
> 
> You tell her you got the email. You say you have verified that SOMEONE ELSE (i.e., not you) has posted sex videos of her and the affair partner.
> Tell her that she is now on the internet. Tell her she has ONE CHANCE to be honest, and if she lies to you the marriage is over. (It may be over anyway, but there will be NO CHANCE to save it if she lies.) Tell her you have seen the AP, his car, her, etc., and you know it is her. DON'T SHOW HER THE VIDEOS and particularly do not show her the originals.
> If she starts denying her, don't even argue. Tell her that you are sorry she chose to continue to lie to you and you are sorry she chose not to take the one chance to save the marriage. Tell her you cannot be with someone who will lie to you, because honesty is the basis of a marital relationship, and if she cannot be honest, then the whole relationship is false.
> Then just start to walk out. As you leave, tell her that you have started arrangements with an attorney, and she will be hearing from your attorney.
> 
> For this to work, you have to be in control of yourself. You need to be cold, unemotional but firm. You need to have your heart frozen toward her.
> If, as I believe, she has been lying to you all along, it's because she believes the lies have the best chance for a favorable outcome for her. If she sees that continued lies will NOT be favorable for her, and will result in a worse outcome, then that's the best chance for her to break and confess.
> 
> Don't let her push you around into demanding that she show you the emails. Be upfront and tell her that she doesn't need to see the emails to you. If she knows the exactly how much you know, it gives her the opportunity to concoct a cover story that will try to address all your information. Then, she'll try to talk you into believing that story, however implausible it may be. Her uncertainty of your hand it what will give you the advantage. It's just like poker. You can't bluff or intimidate your opposing players if they know what cards you hold. It's the fear that you will have the stronger hand that will make her fold.


best post on this thread in my opinion


----------



## Davit Bek

Rcox230 said:


> I told her to send me the pictures she said she deleted the email. I asked her what the pictures look like she said she couldn't make out they were very blurry. The person mentioned my name and said he was going to send me the videos.


Why delete if it was impossible for it to be her? Or why delete if she was certain it wasn't her? I'm sorry it seems like things have continued, and the AP didn't receive what he wanted in some way and is taking revenge.

Getting a divorce is similar to medical amputation in that no one wants to do it. But it is done to save a life. Divorce is a last resort, and in case of infidelity the only viable option for many people. That's because often times, people who reconcile spend the rest of their time miserable, emasculated, unconfident only to end up either being cheated on again, or divorced by the spouse that cheated.

Make the best decision for your children, but also for you. Good luck


----------



## Johnny English

ElOtro said:


> As I work in the IT field, I wonder if developing a but recognition software would be socially helpful


Certainly would be a fun project !


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## ElOtro

Johnny English said:


> Certainly would be a fun project !


All for the sake of the advancement of Science!


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## MattMatt

Davit Bek said:


> Why delete if it was impossible for it to be her? Or why delete if she was certain it wasn't her? I'm sorry it seems like things have continued, and the AP didn't receive what he wanted in some way and is taking revenge.
> 
> Getting a divorce is similar to medical amputation in that no one wants to do it. But it is done to save a life. Divorce is a last resort, and in case of infidelity the only viable option for many people. That's because often times, people who reconcile spend the rest of their time miserable, emasculated, unconfident only to end up either being cheated on again, or divorced by the spouse that cheated.
> 
> Make the best decision for your children, but also for you. Good luck


If someone sent you a faked video of you having purporting to being having sex with someone, wouldn't you delete it? I would!


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## Dictum Veritas

MattMatt said:


> If someone sent you a faked video of you having purporting to being having sex with someone, wouldn't you delete it? I would!


We differ, I wouldn't. I like to keep evidence that might contain something to exonerate me and/or incriminate the POS who sent it.


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## Tested_by_stress

I don't think the OP or his wife have a chance in hell of having those videos removed from the internet. By now, they've been shared among any number of Internet porn sites.


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## Rus47

I recall reading a similar thread where the OP had found pictures taken by wife's AP doing her doggie style, with cell phone held chest high on the AP. The OP recognized his wife from tattoos on her back and rear. Surely this OP's wife has some distinguishing moles or marks on her body. 

Why wouldn't a simple discussion with copy of video in hand along lines of "received this video from "friend" (give his name), that he says is out on porn web. This sure looks like you, who is it doing the thrusting while taking the movies and when was this movie made? How much were you paid? Did he have your permission? What are you going to do to have the video taken down so the kids don't see their mother's naked a$$ someday?"

Her response ought to about clear up any doubts one way or the other.


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## Rus47

Tested_by_stress said:


> I don't think the OP or his wife have a chance in hell of having those videos removed from the internet. By now, they've been shared among any number of Internet porn sites.


People have no idea how the internet functions so haven't a clue that once something is posted it will never disappear until the sun grows cold. The young teenage girls posting compromised pictures on snapchat, tictok, instagram, etc are potentially ruining their future lives out of ignorance.


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## Evinrude58

Davit Bek said:


> Why delete if it was impossible for it to be her? Or why delete if she was certain it wasn't her? I'm sorry it seems like things have continued, and the AP didn't receive what he wanted in some way and is taking revenge.
> 
> Getting a divorce is similar to medical amputation in that no one wants to do it. But it is done to save a life. Divorce is a last resort, and in case of infidelity the only viable option for many people. That's because often times, people who reconcile spend the rest of their time miserable, emasculated, unconfident only to end up either being cheated on again, or divorced by the spouse that cheated.
> 
> Make the best decision for your children, but also for you. Good luck


Damn good analogy. Great post.


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## jsmart

Hey @Rcox230 , how are you holding up? I’m guessing that you confronted and confirmed that not only was it her in the videos but that her affair lasted much longer than you thought. I’m sure you’re reeling from all of this. I hope you can come back and give an update on how the confrontation went, how she reacted, and how has she been since. If you want to bounce ideas or just want to vent, TAM members are here. We really want to be able to help and even just lend an ear. 

Also, make sure you stay hydrated and stay away from the bottle. If you’re not able to eat, drink Ensures. They have a lot of calories with needed protein to prevent to much weight loss. Also start working out. Heavy lifting and running can really help you release negative energy. Things will improve; with or without her.


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## Marc878

Sorry man but this maybe


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## Anastasia6

Rus47 said:


> I recall reading a similar thread where the OP had found pictures taken by wife's AP doing her doggie style, with cell phone held chest high on the AP. The OP recognized his wife from tattoos on her back and rear. Surely this OP's wife has some distinguishing moles or marks on her body.
> 
> Why wouldn't a simple discussion with copy of video in hand along lines of "received this video from "friend" (give his name), that he says is out on porn web. This sure looks like you, who is it doing the thrusting while taking the movies and when was this movie made? How much were you paid? Did he have your permission? What are you going to do to have the video taken down so the kids don't see their mother's naked a$$ someday?"
> 
> Her response ought to about clear up any doubts one way or the other.


The friend didn't give his name used an anonymous email. It is obviously not a friend. Either a cruel prank or the AP.

Also while it is true that things remain on the internet forever they do tend to 'disappear' You see on sites with videos or posts (like this one) there are algorithms that move popular videos to the top or new ones. The new ones stay for only a short time if there are 'hits' or views or clicks. So Something from 6 years ago wouldn't be able to be found very easily. Especially with what would appear to be low quality porn. Even something posted a week ago would get lost pretty quick as there are way too many people posting this stuff cause they want their 15 minutes of fame or think their **** is special.

I've asked multiple times about anything that would make it where he could be sure it was her. He hasn't said anything other than he recognizes her back side and moans. It reminds me of the newlywed game where people would find out how little they actually knew their spouse. I think you could give most men 8 pictures of women's backsides and as long as they were about the right size and hair color maybe 20% could pick the right one. But I have no research to back that up.

OP also keeps fluctuating (which is natural), on one hand he acts like he isn't leaving but then he seems to be swayed by all the bullying that happens and says he's leaving. You know.... 

If he would just talk to her about it he could figure out what it may or may not be. If it was from 6 years ago then I'd suspect someone contacted her trying to blackmail her or break up the marriage. If it was more recent then that is a WHOLE different problem.

If he though he was going to stay but wanted to know for sure when it was taken and such then he could arrange a polygraph. But he doesn't want to talk to her, he thinks it's her... he says he's leaving her so then why spend the money on a poly.

I know my husband may or may not recognize my backside after 28 years together. But if there was a question he could look at my backside and compare. I do have a birthmark that would show and on the video wouldn't show cause it wouldn't be me.

Lastly all this talk about women letting men film and post and their futures and their kids seeing it....
Many women like the one in this video whoever she is DID NOT give her permission to film and post at least that is the impression the OP got from the video and unless it has her name on it her children will never see it unless they find daddy's copy that everyone keeps telling him to keep around. MEN film, men post, men do this without many women's knowledge. Even the OP is like oh we men do this. Disgusting and stop blaming the woman for the mans disgusting behavior.


----------



## Young at Heart

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair.
> 
> ...... I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends.
> 
> ..... I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me.
> 
> ...... I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> ........He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. .......... In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car.
> 
> ......Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now.
> 
> I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her.
> 
> Please help me guys I don't know what to do


First in most legal systems any form of penetration no matter how slight is considered sexual intercourse. She lied about having sex with him. Which you now have 4 videos to prove she had sex with him or someone else.

As to why she lied? You answered your own question when you said had you known the truth you would never have married her.

As to what to do and if you should confront her about the video's......................Absolutely. You need to sit her down and watch all of them together. She will probably give you some other lie. The purpose will be so that the two of you can have an honest conversation as to the future of your marriage. Don't get angry. Don't let her cry and claim she was a victim and that you need to save her.

Tell her that your marriage is based on a series of lies. You need to know and she needs to tell you the real truth so you can figure out what you want to do. Tell her that right now you have absolutely no trust in anything she may do or tell you, but you do need her to be honest and share with you the whole truth. Tell her you are not going to do anything rash, but the two of you need to start being honest with each other.

I certainly hope you have no children. I would stop all sex with her for fear she might get pregnant. Let her know why.

I would suggest that if you have any feelings for her the two of you go see a marriage counselor. She needs to address what she is going to tell future employers when such videos are shared with them. She needs to address, what she is going to do if and when she has children and someone shares the video's to those children of what their mother has done. She needs to address what she will do when she and you are meeting with people and one of them recognizes her from her porn videos? What would she do if someone tries to blackmail her can she openly and honestly let the world know what she did? 

This has got to be a real gut punch. You need to figure out what you want to do and how much you may or may not ever be able to trust her.

Good luck.

P.S.

I saw the other post where you have two boys. Sorry. You need to ask your "wife" what she thinks is the best course of action for those two boys? Ask her if she will likely emotionally damage them and what you as the father figure in their life should do to protect those boys and serve as a role model for them? Give her time to think about her answers. 

I would also suggest sponsoring some individual therapy for her so she can figure out how badly she has screwed up her life, the life of those two boys and your life and what she can do to try to make amends. If I found something like this out, I would be beyond angry, however, I would want what is best for those two boys. As such I would not do anything while I was angry nor anything rash. It is best to formulate a plan for your future, the future of those boys and hopefully your "wife" can figure out a future for herself and who and how it will involve others.

Good luck.


----------



## Young at Heart

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, think of it this way. You don't need 100% indisputable evidence. You only need enough for HER to think that you believe it and that rational people would believe it. Or that you have more.
> If you're a good poker player, you can get her to fold.
> 
> ......It sounds like she was already in defensive mode when she told you about the email she got. It sounds to me like she is trying to control the narrative. You need to deny her that control to get her to confess.
> 
> Here's what I propose: (arrange to talk to her calmly, when the children are asleep. If possible, go out somewhere just the two of you while someone else watches the kids)
> 
> .............
> If she starts denying her, don't even argue. Tell her that you are sorry she chose to continue to lie to you and you are sorry she chose not to take the one chance to save the marriage. Tell her you cannot be with someone who will lie to you, because honesty is the basis of a marital relationship, and if she cannot be honest, then the whole relationship is false.
> *Then just start to walk out. As you leave, tell her that you have started arrangements with an attorney, and she will be hearing from your attorney.....*


I agree with much of what you said, but not the last bullet. To just walk out and leave those two boys, is in my opinion very wrong. He can leave her, but he should have a plan on taking care of them. Those two boys have done nothing wrong. He is their father figure and should take responsibility for their future.


----------



## Young at Heart

Anastasia6 said:


> The friend didn't give his name used an anonymous email. It is obviously not a friend. Either a cruel prank or the AP.
> 
> ....I've asked multiple times about anything that would make it where he could be sure it was her. He hasn't said anything other than he recognizes her back side and moans.
> 
> ......OP also keeps fluctuating (which is natural), on one hand he acts like he isn't leaving but then he seems to be swayed by all the bullying that happens and says he's leaving. You know....
> 
> If he would just talk to her about it he could figure out what it may or may not be. If it was from 6 years ago then I'd suspect someone contacted her trying to blackmail her or break up the marriage. If it was more recent then that is a WHOLE different problem.
> 
> If he though he was going to stay but wanted to know for sure when it was taken and such then he could arrange a polygraph. But he doesn't want to talk to her, he thinks it's her... he says he's leaving her so then why spend the money on a poly.
> 
> ........Lastly all this talk about women letting men film and post and their futures and their kids seeing it....
> *Many women like the one in this video whoever she is DID NOT give her permission to film and post* at least that is the impression the OP got from the video and unless it has her name on it her children will never see it unless they find daddy's copy that everyone keeps telling him to keep around. MEN film, men post, men do this without many women's knowledge. Even the OP is like oh we men do this. Disgusting and *stop blaming the woman for the mans disgusting behavior.*


A few thoughts. Yes, I think that blackmail either now or in the future is a possibility if is was her. That becomes a legal question and criminal question real quickly. The OP needs real legal advice. There are laws against posting intimate pictures without permission in some states and/or countries.

As to stop blaming the woman...........yes and no. The real issues in my mind are her lies and the damage that might be done to the two young boys. And yes, even if she didn't give permission for the filming, it was her lies that will damage this man who would not have married her and her actions that may adversely impact the lives and emotional development of two young boys.


----------



## Imnobodynew

Hey OP,

How are you holding up? Sorry, what a crappy Christmas present. I read your post and your corresponding comments. A few things jumped out at me. I am a BS/WS myself. I did stay and am *DOING* the work. If I can take a moment of your time and give a few thoughts:


1.)You mentioned being Christian. That's awesome. I'm one myself. Not the holier than though or a bible thumper, but the kind that shows others around me what being a normal person with God's love looks like. I've worked on the streets, jails, and prisons. I've touched society's untouchables. Helped people off the streets, inmates find jobs, etc... I don't say that here to toot my horn, don't do it for praise, but to make a point. I've seen and experienced some horrible things. People stealing from me, trying to use, and accusing me. You name it. I've learned that there is a fine line between codependency and help. One encourages people to grow and thrive, the other puts you in the position of playing God in their life by making them dependant on you. A good example of this is I invite someone into my office and they steal from me. I can forgive them. It's just things or money. I can look at them with no hate or anger. Just write it off that they have an issue. I can show kindness by not putting them in that position again. I will meet the person at say a restaurant and have a meal but not leave my wallet out or leave things to make them struggle. While offering support to help foster personal growth in their lives, I can minimize the risk to both of our relationships by being shrewd (be shrewd as vipers and gentle as lambs). After they have shown they have made gains and can be trusted, I can let them meet in my office again. 
1a)Think about the man that was called in Corinth for sleeping with his dad's wife in the early church (1 Corinthians 5:1-11). Paul raged at them. He was like you know it's wrong yet you people (the Christians) act like you so patient and forgiving, but even the non-Christians are disgusted with something like this. There is a reason people here are rightfully agitated by your reported wife's actions. They are expressing concern on your behalf. I'd listen and take the advice with a critical ear. Not all of it applies but their wisdom comes from experience (A man with many advisers wins the battle; Proverbs 24:6).​
 2)You asked, why commentators here believe that people cant change. I know the saying is "Once a cheater, always a cheater.". Let's talk about this for a moment. Here's a spoiler alert. Most people don't change. Really? Yeah, most people don't change. Why? It's hard work. Most of the miraculous changes you hear about in church and the streets, happen because they are seeking. They are sick and tired of who they are and what a change. Even after the change starts or happens they still have to put in work to make sure they don't go back to the "dog's vomit". People return to where they what they are comfortable with. Hebrews, when they left Egypt, wanted to return to slavery. It's a common problem. How many talented sports players in high school made the Olympics or the pros? Very few. Sure talent plays a part but the real problem is the continuous hard work required. 
2b)As a paid chaplain in the detention system, I had a front-row seat the recidivism. Do you know why the vast majority of inmates end up returning to jail or prison when they are released? Because the correction system doesn't particularly provide help to fix the issue. When help is available, most inmates don't want to put the work in. Introspective change is hard work. It means dumping your ego and doing hard work. Cleaning internal closets from years of life sewage is hard work. It means you have to admit you are the problem and you need help. Most will not allow themselves to go there. At the start, it's repugnant and doesn't seem very rewarding. It takes time. A lifetime and as most AA/NA/SA etc points out. It never goes away completely and you might fall back into it if you're not diligent. In our instant gratification society, we live in, this is not the most popular. Inmates go back to prison or jail, homeless people go back to the woods, cheaters cheat again. Statistics don't lie. 
3.) I said most in the last point because some people do change. I'm part of the infidelity club with a successful reconciliation story. My story if you're interested:HTTPS: //www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/is-it-fair-to-ask-for-forgiveness.445501/post-20395079. If people put in the hard work, they can change. If you want to lose 65 pounds, diet, and exercise. It's hard but possible. If you want personal change, do the opposite of what you want to change. Find out what you are doing, why you're doing it, and attack it constantly. If you saw a really fat, unhealthy person after they lost 100 pounds would you notice the change? Of course the same goes for people who are changing the core of who they are. In interpersonal situations like adultery, you will notice a change, then wounds you suffered can be trusted. People with issues who work at them, really work at them are usually very unjudgemental and meek. Meek not weak. After the dude who slept with his dad's wife, did the work, stopped, and showed real remorse... Paul told the Corinth church to stop being so judgmental and show forgiveness and mercy. Not until after the dude put the work in. 
Now to your issues at hand:

Your wife lied to you at the beginning. She gave you part of the truth. You asked why would someone do that? because it relieves them of the guilt. There are many reasons why people do that. Maybe in their childhood, they were taught not to be honest. She could be a social path. She could be an impulsive liar. The possibilities are endless. One does come to mind. She might have been semi-honest at the moment but maybe they continued at a later date, and she never told you.

Your wife steamrolled you the first time she confessed to you. She wanted you to rug sweep. She did not put the work into changing why she did what she did. Was she honest about who it was? Is she completely clean about going no contact? Did she open up herself why she had to get outside validation? Did she go to counseling and work hard on showing you wouldn't happen again? From your post, it doesn't sound like it. It sounded She wanted relief from the guilt and didn't want to rock the boat. 

I think most people want you to confront immediately, Do you know why? Because she steamrolled and lied to you and she got away from it. She is a liar. Do know what liars do? They tell more lies. Why because when they know they can get away with it, they make more lies to cover the ones they made before. The more time you give to liars the more time they have to concoct lies. The web gets so thick it's hard to pick out the truth. Also by limiting the time they have to concoct lies you spare them from their own devices. It also shows that you will take action and not passively take her at her word, when you know she is a liar. 

I understand protecting the kids. I grew up in a "Christian home" Both my parents were cheats. It was devastating. Took me years to get over it. I believe it is better to have at least one of two healthy homes that model good behavior and good values than developing in one with a mixed message. Please do not use the kids as an excuse to not confront or take action. I disagree with the poster who said that this man was a loser for messing with the kids. Your wife did this to a degree. The porn stuff not so much, but the infidelity yes.

I also understand it is your prerogative to how you handle the situation, when and where you confront it, and what you are going to do about it. Just listen without being defensive to advise you're getting here. Never know where/when and how God can speak to you. Just listen.

One last biblical point:
Remorse can bring about change, but change is a by-product of repentance. Repentance is acting on your remorse. 

I know you are under a lot of emotional stress. I am praying for you.

Hope this helps


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## georgel316000

Rcox, take the advise that works for you and throw away the rest. Don't let others force you into doing something you don't want to do. Do what you think is right. If you're wrong, you're wrong. Go from there. Lot of people here are looking for blood but at your expense. Take all the time you need. I hope you are doing ok and please keep us up to date.

This dirtbag AP could be showing old vids from when they 1st hooked up, not recent. Like others has said, the AP might be trying to black mail ww and she said no or something in that manner. Let's throw a curve ball here. When/hopefully Rcox230 find out who this dirtbag AP is, Rcox should hire a PI and get some dirt on this joker. Let's see if this AP have a partner of his own or a job and blow up his world.


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## Wolfman1968

Young at Heart said:


> I agree with much of what you said, but not the last bullet. To just walk out and leave those two boys, is in my opinion very wrong. He can leave her, but he should have a plan on taking care of them. Those two boys have done nothing wrong. He is their father figure and should take responsibility for their future.


 Well, you are not understanding what I am saying. I never said anything about abandoning any children. Read it again.

I said the that he needs to arrange a place to talk to her quietly, maybe somewhere AWAY from the kids so they can talk, while someone else watches the kids if possible.

If she starts lying, or playing manipulative games, he needs to just walk away--literally-- FROM THAT CONVERSATION (not from the kids metaphorically). By leaving, he shows he is not going to get sucked into her manipulative games or half-truths or even fabricated stories. He gives her one chance to come clean and if he doesn't take it, he leaves the conversation because she is not being honest. And he is leaving the marriage because she is not being honest, and he can't be with an untrustworthy partner. 

I have no idea where you are getting anything about walking out on his children.


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## ShatteredKat

Rcox230
Worst thing you can do is "rug-sweep" - 
2nd thing is you have to accept and learn what has transpired is now part of your being - you have to carry the experience for life - and so does your current spouse.

So the "hard" (euphanism!) sttuff is on the agenda - or you can postpone (aka rugsweep.)

I suggest you request time to talk without distraction (get baby sitter, put the dog outside, turn off TV/Radio etc.)
and put a recorder on the table and start recording and walk through your prepared questions.

Start off by stating this will be one of many conversations - it is just a start - maybe towards healing together or maybe healing apart. 

Consider your own values and rules for acceptable integrity. Contrast that assessment with what you think is your spouse rules. Can you reconcile differences? Consider whether or not you are getting the truth - the truth that should be spoken willingly and without omissions - details count. 

If you have a timeline already - see if the items in the conversation jive with the timeline. If you don't have a timeline, ask why not?

Do you best (this is really hard) to stifle your emotions around children and try to be "Dr. Spock" with your spouse so she understands you mean serious business.

So this is "hard" - yes but you have to do the chores as onerous as they are - or you have nothing to build on towards
a future with your spouse. And/or - once you assimilate and cogitate on all the information - you may decide you cannot live with her. Some BS have tried for years and still could not find their happiness while with their WS. 
You may have to take quite some time to find YOUR solution for moving forward short term and long term.

I hope you have laid plans for the possibility of permanent separation. You should as that will be information needed for possible future questions.

Advise to not threaten anything - just do when you have made your decisions on what you need to do for yourself.

SHE KNOWS if she participated in an activity that could be captured via video recorder (of any kind!) so your answer to whether or not "she did the deed" has to come from her mouth. You should never put any trust on someone who would do what you have to deal with - anonymously send a video of _*questionable authenticity*_ to you for what purpose?

OR - you could look at what you have and decide you are like a pilot in an unrecoverable flat spin and know to even have a chance at staying alive you have to bail out. YA, that bailout is going to hurt like hell - but you then have a chance at life.

Old guy


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## Butforthegrace

Rcox, any update in your plan/timing to confront your cheating wife with the sex videos?


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## Tested_by_stress

I'm guessing we may have seen the last of the OP.


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## jlg07

one last try:
@Rcox230, how are things going? Have you confronted her with the videos?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Tested_by_stress said:


> I'm guessing we may have seen the last of the OP.


From my six years’ experience on here, the truth sometimes runs a poster off. Most are afraid to hear what they do not want to hear. They want affirmation not solid advice.


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## MattMatt

Tested_by_stress said:


> I'm guessing we may have seen the last of the OP.


He was on the site mere hours ago. Give him a chance! He has a lot to process.

@Rcox230 will post when he is ready.


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## wmn1

MattMatt said:


> He was on the site mere hours ago. Give him a chance! He has a lot to process.
> 
> @Rcox230 will post when he is ready.


It's good he's still checking on here Matt. I wish he would let us know what's going on so we can help. There is a lot to process. I just don't want him stuck in limbo. Limbo sucks


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## MattMatt

wmn1 said:


> It's good he's still checking on here Matt. I wish he would let us know what's going on so we can help. There is a lot to process. I just don't want him stuck in limbo. Limbo sucks


Yes. Yes it does.


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## ArthurGPym

Hope OP is ok.


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## plastow

BigDaddyNY said:


> Also, curious about the "friend" that emailed the videos. There are probably more than 10 million videos on that porn site and your friend managed to find your wife? Seems really odd. If they are really her I would suspect the OM sent them to you. Again, IF they are her. In the videos, does it appear she knows she is being recorded? She would have some big cojones to lie about the extent of her affair if she knew there were 4 or more videos of her floating around out there.


good point and one i thought of straight away.the clue is someone very close to you via your wife maybe


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## Rcox230

Well I just been sitting back trying to process my thoughts. Long story short I did confront her with 2 of the videos that I'm almost certain is her. She looked at them and immediately denied that was her in the videos. Her exact words--OMG that is not me, I can't believe you would think that is me. All these years you obviously don't know my body. That girl has a perfect body and is in shape I am out of shape and have handles, I have stretch marks etc etc. Now yes she is out of shape now but back then she was in shape working out every day and was much slinder with nice shape. I mentioned that to her I also said I know you have a mole on your ass and showed her the video again. She again said that is not my mole. She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them. If he did I am going to sue his ass I thought that was strange response. I said you said it's not you in the videos so why would you sue him. She said it's not me in the videos. Anyhow she said if you still have trust issues now we should get a divorce and I agreed. She said you are obviously scorned by what happened and will never let it go I have been nothing but faithful to you since. I said but you lied about the affair. Anyhow looks like divorce is the only path here. I still think it is her but I think her pride will not let her admit she lied. She knows how this looks on her and she is embarrassed and will never admit. So I'm going to divorce even with her saying it's not her. I talked to a relationship counselor she told me if she said it's not her why don't you believe her? If it was reversed and you told her it's not you in the video and she said she is still getting a divorce. How would you feel if you knew it wasn't you.


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## ArthurGPym

Gaslighting. She got caught redhanded ao she is playing the long game thinking she can get you to buy her lies. She basically outed herself by saying she would sue the OM, and good on you for catching that slip.

No way I would stay with a cold lying cheat like her. She’s cold man. Cold as a witch’s tit. 

This isn’t a court of law. Rules of jurisprudence don’t apply here. She has the burden of proof. It is up to her to prove that is not her in the video.

I was only with my last girlfriend for inder two years, but I memorized the map of her body. I knew every scar, wrinkle and mole. She knows you have her dead to rights, and gaslighting is her only recourse.


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## BigDaddyNY

Rcox230 said:


> Well I just been sitting back trying to process my thoughts. Long story short I did confront her with 2 of the videos that I'm almost certain is her. She looked at them and immediately denied that was her in the videos. Her exact words--OMG that is not me, I can't believe you would think that is me. All these years you obviously don't know my body. That girl has a perfect body and is in shape I am out of shape and have handles, I have stretch marks etc etc. Now yes she is out of shape now but back then she was in shape working out every day and was much slinder with nice shape. I mentioned that to her I also said I know you have a mole on your ass and showed her the video again. She again said that is not my mole. *She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them. If he did I am going to sue his ass* I thought that was strange response. I said you said it's not you in the videos so why would you sue him. She said it's not me in the videos. Anyhow she said if you still have trust issues now we should get a divorce and I agreed. She said you are obviously scorned by what happened and will never let it go I have been nothing but faithful to you since. I said but you lied about the affair. Anyhow looks like divorce is the only path here. I still think it is her but I think her pride will not let her admit she lied. She knows how this looks on her and she is embarrassed and will never admit. So I'm going to divorce even with her saying it's not her. I talked to a relationship counselor she told me if she said it's not her why don't you believe her? If it was reversed and you told her it's not you in the video and she said she is still getting a divorce. How would you feel if you knew it wasn't you.


It is her and she knows it. The bolded can only mean one thing. If she knew that he only rubbed his penis against her vagina, then why would he need to ask the OM took videos of her and posted them? She's in say anything mode. I'm so sorry, hate to see anyone have to deal with this.


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## Tested_by_stress

Yeah op, I'd say you've gotten your confirmation that is her in the videos. Sorry for your troubles man.


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## ArthurGPym

You know what kind if woman cheats with a man in a truck? A cheap woman. A woman who doesn’t have the self value to at least demand he shell out some cash and take her to a hotel. She’s grimy brother.


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## Robert22205

Did she offer to take a polygraph test?
Is she willing to file a police complaint?
Can you both contact the OM and confront him?


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## Evinrude58

Divorce her. Get mentally healthy.
She’s lying.
He only rubbed his duck on her and didn’t stick it all the way in. Liar. That’s all you need to know.

btw, 50% of counselors are useless, 49% are destructive. Yours is a destructive asshat.


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## Tatsuhiko

Rcox230 said:


> I talked to a relationship counselor she told me if she said it's not her why don't you believe her?


Uh... because she's demonstrated a pattern of lying, starting with the affair she had? Your relationship counselor is an idiot and I hope you didn't pay money to him/her.


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## Kaliber

Rcox230 said:


> She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy *and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them.* If he did I am going to sue his ass I thought that was strange response.


@Rcox230 very good on you on catching this slip!
I think if she was honest and truthful then you have something to work with!
I think it's not just her pride, I think if she admitted to it then there is more to the story and most likely it will open a door she doesn't want you to open!
Stay strong!


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## jsmart

In a round about way she confirmed that she did have sex with the OM multiple times. It is common for a WW to try to intimidate the BH with just blowing everything up because she knows that you want to salvage the relationship to keep the family intact. Sadly, keeping the family together doesn’t rate too high in the importance scale of many WW. 

Remember to have given herself to OM, she had to detach from you. On D day some WW try to muscle through R even though they’re no longer “in love” with their BH. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some love for you, especially after getting married and starting a family but that love is on the bare surface level. It is not the deep “I’m in love” and respect my husband type of love.

The tough talk about let’s just divorce will give way once she sees you making REAL moves towards divorce. It will sink in that she’s on the fast track to being a divorcee with kids. Not a great place for a now older and out of shape woman with 2 kids. 
So have her served, separate the finances, and get the house listed. I would also expose what she did to her family. On a PG level you can explain what you thought you forgave and what you recently found out. Also let them know that instead of fighting for you and the family, she was the one that suggested divorce. When exposing, it has to be done in a manner that shows you still love her and not in a “your daughter/sister is a who...” Her family will most likely apply pressure on her to up her game to fight for you.

You need to implement the 180 to start to detach from her. Her words and actions have shown you that she’s really not that attached to you. It is you that needs to detach. You do that by not sleeping in the same bed, and only deal with her to discuss the kids or the finances. Get out of the house as much as possible. Be busy living an awesome life or becoming awesome.

Keep posting. We are here for you to bounce ideas and tactics with. If you need to vent, we’re here to listen and give encouragement. TAM is a powerful resource. At your fingertips, you can get years of experience from those who have been in your very shoes. There have been fearless Ds with head held high and successful loving Rs.


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## Trident

Rcox230 said:


> I mentioned that to her I also said I know you have a mole on your ass and showed her the video again. She again said that is not my mole.


Well, that makes things easy. Using a video editing program take a screengrab of one more scenes that show the mole. Then, take one or two pictures of your wife's ass mole. Using a photo editing program such as Adobe Photoshop, enhance and enlarge the moles in the various pictures.

Compare moleasses.

It's like fingerprinting. 

Case solved!


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## jlg07

DO this -- take a pic of her backside with the mole NOW -- and then get a screen shot of the video -- then compare them.
Her BODY shape may be different but the location of the mole won't be different....

ETA: Hey Trident -- we posted the same thing at the same time! Great minds and all that!


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## Rcox230

jsmart said:


> In a round about way she confirmed that she did have sex with the OM multiple times. It is common for a WW to try to intimidate the BH with just blowing everything up because she knows that you want to salvage the relationship to keep the family intact. Sadly, keeping the family together doesn’t rate too high in the importance scale of many WW.
> 
> Remember to have given herself to OM, she had to detach from you. On D day some WW try to muscle through R even though they’re no longer “in love” with their BH. I’m not saying she doesn’t have some love for you, especially after getting married and starting a family but that love is on the bare surface level. It is not the deep “I’m in love” and respect my husband type of love.
> 
> The tough talk about let’s just divorce will give way once she sees you making REAL moves towards divorce. It will sink in that she’s on the fast track to being a divorcee with kids. Not a great place for a now older and out of shape woman with 2 kids.
> So have her served, separate the finances, and get the house listed. I would also expose what she did to her family. On a PG level you can explain what you thought you forgave and what you recently found out. Also let them know that instead of fighting for you and the family, she was the one that suggested divorce. When exposing, it has to be done in a manner that shows you still love her and not in a “your daughter/sister is a who...” Her family will most likely apply pressure on her to up her game to fight for you.
> 
> You need to implement the 180 to start to detach from her. Her words and actions have shown you that she’s really not that attached to you. It is you that needs to detach. You do that by not sleeping in the same bed, and only deal with her to discuss the kids or the finances. Get out of the house as much as possible. Be busy living an awesome life or becoming awesome.
> 
> Keep posting. We are here for you to bounce ideas and tactics with. If you need to vent, we’re here to listen and give encouragement. TAM is a powerful resource. At your fingertips, you can get years of experience from those who have been in your very shoes. There have been fearless Ds with head held high and successful loving Rs.


I agree with what you said. question you said she confirmed she had sex with him multiple times. How was it confirmed if she didn't say yes? By her reaction


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## BigDaddyNY

Rcox230 said:


> I agree with what you said. question you said she confirmed she had sex with him multiple times. How was it confirmed if she didn't say yes? By her reaction


Yes. Her own words indicate what she has done without admitting it.


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## BigDaddyNY

And ask her to take a polygraph if you rally want to be sure. See what she says to that.


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## Evinrude58

No need for all the testing. She suggested divorce. She is obviously lying. It’s just plain to see. Hell yes, give her what she wants. A person that loves you would never suggest divorce, especially in this situation.


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## jlg07

She MAY be trying to bluff you with saying "let's just divorce" thinking that YOU would never do that (thinking that a strong offense is a good defense).
CLEARLY something happened that is way more than what she told you.
You can tell her that her own words gave her away and explain that. See what she says (BUT it doesn't sound like she will be truthful to you ....)


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## Tested_by_stress

She lied then and she is lying now. There was no " that can't be me because he only rubbed his penis on my vagina". Instead there was a threat to sue him for making videos without her consent. Btw OP, you do Realize the "friend" who sent you the videos was the guy inside her and recording it right?


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## jsmart

Weren’t the pics in different places or settings? Her saying that she wants to ask him if he filmed her is the proof of more than one incident. She admitted 2 incidents to you before that supposedly didn’t go all the way. If that were true, she would not be talking about lawsuits because she would know without a doubt that it was not her. 

Her wanting to confront him means she knows how to contact him. That doesn’t bode well to there not being no contact foe all those years. As a matter of fact it adds evidence that she was in contact with him until very recently.

I still think the affair lasted for years, possibly through the birth of your first kid. Once she saw the child was yours, she may have ended the affair. The OM tried to blackmail her into continuing but she refused, so he tried to blow up her life. I suspect that the affair ended shortly after the pic time stamp of 2019 but there is the real possibility that it did last through until recently on some level.

Right now she’s only given you the option to pursue D. If she comes around and fights for you, the only way that you can even entertain R as an option is if you know the real story. That will require a poly. You don’t want to continue to live a lie. You must know what you’re forgiving.


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## Rcox230

jsmart said:


> Weren’t the pics in different places or settings? Her saying that she wants to ask him if he filmed her is the proof of more than one incident. She admitted 2 incidents to you before that supposedly didn’t go all the way. If that were true, she would not be talking about lawsuits because she would know without a doubt that it was not her.
> 
> Her wanting to confront him means she knows how to contact him. That doesn’t bode well to there not being no contact foe all those years. As a matter of fact it adds evidence that she was in contact with him until very recently.
> 
> I still think the affair lasted for years, possibly through the birth of your first kid. Once she saw the child was yours, she may have ended the affair. The OM tried to blackmail her into continuing but she refused, so he tried to blow up her life. I suspect that the affair ended shortly after the pic time stamp of 2019 but there is the real possibility that it did last through until recently on some level.
> 
> Right now she’s only given you the option to pursue D. If she comes around and fights for you, the only way that you can even entertain R as an option is if you know the real story. That will require a poly. You don’t want to continue to live a lie. You must know what you’re forgiving.


Yes different places and settings


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## Rcox230

Evinrude58 said:


> No need for all the testing. She suggested divorce. She is obviously lying. It’s just plain to see. Hell yes, give her what she wants. A person that loves you would never suggest divorce, especially in this situation.


I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


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## Mr.Married

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


because cheaters lie .... there is no other reason.


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## Killi

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


She is never going to be truthful, deceit is part of a cheater's nature. Or you could say cheating is a just a symptom of her personality which is deceitful.


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## jsmart

I went through this thread again and realize that they had the kids before they were married. He wife’d her up after her betrayal. So my prior theory that she ended affair after the first was born is not correct. But going through the thread again, has me really convinced that her affair very likely lasted until recently.

They may have had a break up back in 2019 but I suspect they rekindled the affair in some form until very recently. So her supposed 6 month affair is very likely a huge lie. I’m sure during the lockdowns, it was hard to get together but I’m sure she made the effort some how. Which kind of explains why she hasn’t really reattach to her husband. If she still had lover boy in the picture all this time, her heart would be divided. Her willingness to just blow up the family is really telling in how little she really cares for him.


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## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


The refusal to confess it all is to not face how brutally ugly her affair is. She knows that whatever she confesses, will spread, so she’s trying to protect her reputation. She will likely spin it that she had a brief affair years ago but that you won’t let it go. Will say you’re controlling and emotionally abusive. And she will definitely say that it was not her in the pics. 

There’s also a part of her that thinks you’re bluffing, so she’s holding firm because she’s afraid that if you really knew the truth, then you would leave for real.


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## Evinrude58

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


Very simple: Liars and cheats do not want to admit to themselves what they are— they sure as hell don’t want to ad it it to you. Because if you knew the real her, you’d no longer be useful for ego boosts, etc…. Because you’d be off her hook. Narcissists need you still loving her. It fuels their sense of self worth.
I’m very sorry. You are dealing with a monster and still see her as that person you married and thought you knew.


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## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> I agree with what you said. question you said she confirmed she had sex with him multiple times. How was it confirmed if she didn't say yes? By her reaction


By saying she has been faithful since...no need to say that unless she screwed him. Also she admitted by saying she would sue. How could she sue unless she was one in the videos?
Her denying method confirmed her guilt.


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## jparistotle

Rcox230 said:


> Well I just been sitting back trying to process my thoughts. Long story short I did confront her with 2 of the videos that I'm almost certain is her. She looked at them and immediately denied that was her in the videos. Her exact words--OMG that is not me, I can't believe you would think that is me. All these years you obviously don't know my body. That girl has a perfect body and is in shape I am out of shape and have handles, I have stretch marks etc etc. Now yes she is out of shape now but back then she was in shape working out every day and was much slinder with nice shape. I mentioned that to her I also said I know you have a mole on your ass and showed her the video again. She again said that is not my mole. She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them. If he did I am going to sue his ass I thought that was strange response. I said you said it's not you in the videos so why would you sue him. She said it's not me in the videos. Anyhow she said if you still have trust issues now we should get a divorce and I agreed. She said you are obviously scorned by what happened and will never let it go I have been nothing but faithful to you since. I said but you lied about the affair. Anyhow looks like divorce is the only path here. I still think it is her but I think her pride will not let her admit she lied. She knows how this looks on her and she is embarrassed and will never admit. So I'm going to divorce even with her saying it's not her. I talked to a relationship counselor she told me if she said it's not her why don't you believe her? If it was reversed and you told her it's not you in the video and she said she is still getting a divorce. How would you feel if you knew it wasn't you.


If she is asking you why you do not trust her then respond:
1. Random person sends me a video that is supposed to be you from 6 years ago on a subject that you have never told me what happened
2. 6 years ago you cheated
3. How am I suppose to trust someone that did something that comes back. The gift that keeps giving
4. I think you said she got the video as well. Did she tell you she got it or it was a strange message
5. The video is on a website for god's sake

Tell her you wnat closure so you can move on with your life with someone who is honest and transparent. Obviously it is not her.


----------



## Davit Bek

Rcox230 said:


> *I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced.* Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


It matters to her ego. Cheaters rarely like to admit, specially to themselves, that they are the low quality human they actually are. So they make excuses and even rewrite history. They'll view boundaries as possessiveness and jealousy, willing to sacrifice and work hard to provide as being unavailable etc... to justify their actions. Stop seeking any answers or remorse from her and put all your efforts into moving on properly.


----------



## SRCSRC

Divorce is your only option at this point simply because she has made it clear she wants to rug sweep everything and that if you are not willing to do that then it is time for a divorce. That tells you she is simply not invested in you or the marriage to any significant degree. BTW, how did you respond to the relationship counselor when that person asked you why you don't believe your WW? These people can be clueless when infidelity is involved.

I would like to add that somewhere down the line during the divorce process, your WW may recant her desire to divorce. If you do want to try and salvage the marriage explain to her that you must know the entire truth. She must prepare a written detailed timeline of all her affairs to be verified by a polygraph exam. There is no way to properly reconcile without knowing all the facts. That must be made clear to her. She must do a hell of a lot more afterward. You will never forget what she did, nor should she.


----------



## Rcox230

SRCSRC said:


> Divorce is your only option at this point simply because she has made it clear she wants to rug sweep everything and that if you are not willing to do that then it is time for a divorce. That tells you she is simply not invested in you or the marriage to any significant degree. BTW, how did you respond to the relationship counselor when that person asked you why you don't believe your WW? These people can be clueless when infidelity is involved.
> 
> I would like to add that somewhere down the line during the divorce process, your WW may recant her desire to divorce. If you do want to try and salvage the marriage explain to her that you must know the entire truth. She must prepare a written detailed timeline of all her affairs to be verified by a polygraph exam. There is no way to properly reconcile without knowing all the facts. That must be made clear to her. She must do a hell of a lot more afterward. You will never forget what she did, nor should she.


I told the counselor because she cheated on me and during that time I had no idea. She would say she going out with her girls and meet with him. She lied during that whole affair about what she was doing and going. And finally like I been saying I know her body and her marks and her hair


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Rcox230, do you know who she cheated with? Have you confronted him? Do you know who sent the videos( I believe it's him)? Does she know who sent them to her? A talk with the AP may just fill in all the blanks for you. There is obviously a lot you don't know. What a crap sandwich she's fed you! She should be ashamed!


----------



## Clay2013

I think you're on the right path. Her response about the videos really puts in all into perspective. She denied they were of her. She then tried to manipulate you by stating you clearly don't trust her. She also in that same breath through the divorce card on the table. Then she says she will sue the guy for those videos. So basically, she lied to your face then tried to blame you then tried to cover her tracks. Where was her concern for you and your feelings about possibly coming up with actual video footage and seeing her having sex with someone else? I doubt seriously she couldn't see the hurt and pain in your eyes. I would just focus on doing the 180 and planning out the divorce. I would not waste any more time on talking to her about the relationship. 

I am really sorry you are going through this. Even if the videos are not of her, I can't imagine the pain you're going through of seeing that and never really knowing the truth about them. I just feel gutted thinking about it.


----------



## Evinrude58

I agree there’s nothing in her actions or the things she says that shows any feelings for her husband. It’s like she considers him cannon fodder.


----------



## wmn1

Evinrude58 said:


> Divorce her. Get mentally healthy.
> She’s lying.
> He only rubbed his duck on her and didn’t stick it all the way in. Liar. That’s all you need to know.
> 
> btw, 50% of counselors are useless, 49% are destructive. Yours is a destructive asshat.


agreed about counselors too


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rcox230 said:


> I agree with what you said. question you said she confirmed she had sex with him multiple times. How was it confirmed if she didn't say yes? By her reaction


Love and relationships are not a court of law, you know the truth now, you need no more proof than to satisfy yourself because in matters of your heart, you are the judge.

That being said, the world in turn judges you for your actions and choices as well. In order to withstand the judgement of the world the world needs convincing. Tell her your judgement. That you do not believe her story any longer. Tell her that you need a polygraph. Her admitted contact with the OM had already left a void of trust and persistent questions and the video has eroded that trust to nothing.

Tell her that her refusal of a polygraph is tacit admittance to your worst fears being true and that you cannot live with what you believe has happened especially when you are so disrespected that she feels you unworthy of the truth.

Record this interaction to use when you need to negate the judgement of the world.


----------



## ABHale

Rcox230 said:


> She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them. If he did I am going to sue his ass I thought that was strange response


This response I believe says it all. She is thinking out loud that she is going to sue the guy for posting the videos. She knows it’s her in the videos.

She is done with the marriage as well. She said that the two of you should divorce if you can’t get over this. No trying on her part to help get past this.


----------



## Kaliber

@Rcox230, call her bluff and file, blindside her and serve her with divorce papers!

I think she will know you mean business, and she will come to you to negotiate with you to stop the divorce process, and tell you some TT (Trickle Truth) and down play it to what SHE thinks you know, it's up to you to see where the rabbet hole goes!
If you want to know the extent of her betrayal, you need to play it right!
You need to tell her that you showed her a portion of what you've got, and that you have more, and tell her to tell you the full truth, how long was the affair, and when was the last time she had sex with him?!!! 
Remind her before she answers that you have the other videos with timestamp on all the files, if she lies then you will continue with the divorce process!

*Be prepared for the can of warms to be opened, and the HUGE emotional damage you will receive!*

@Rcox230, I personally would not want to negotiate with her or go through the damage of known the extent of the betrayal, and will just call it quits!


----------



## DudeInProgress

Rcox230 said:


> I told the counselor because she cheated on me and during that time I had no idea. She would say she going out with her girls and meet with him. She lied during that whole affair about what she was doing and going. And finally like I been saying I know her body and her marks and her hair


Why are you continuing to **** around with stupid details that really don’t matter at this point? 
You’ve handled this entire situation horribly, from a position weakness and passivity, which only hurts you and everyone around you.

And you don’t need a marriage counselor to validate your feelings or approve your actions. At this point, any marriage counseling is probably completely counterproductive.

You’ve been given a lot of good advice here but it seems you’ve taken none of it. Instead you’re just choosing to wallow passively in your wife’s betrayal and deceit.
Endlessly talking but not DOING anything to take control of the situation for yourself and your children.

Action matters, everything else is ********. So what are you going to DO?


----------



## Rcox230

DudeInProgress said:


> Why are you continuing to **** around with stupid details that really don’t matter at this point?
> You’ve handled this entire situation horribly, from a position weakness and passivity, which only hurts you and everyone around you.
> 
> And you don’t need a marriage counselor to validate your feelings or approve your actions. At this point, any marriage counseling is probably completely counterproductive.
> 
> You’ve been given a lot of good advice here but it seems you’ve taken none of it. Instead you’re just choosing to wallow passively in your wife’s betrayal and deceit.
> Endlessly talking but not DOING anything to take control of the situation for yourself and your children.
> 
> Action matters, everything else is ******. So what are you going to DO?


First of all noone is wallowing passively and I know what i'm going to do. It's easy to talk S%$ from the other side when your not going through it and like you know how to handle every situation perfectly. I'm thinking of my kids and I deserve to know the truth.


----------



## Trident

Rcox230 said:


> I deserve to know the truth.


No one deserves anything. Lose the sense of entitlement, life just ain't fair. 

Besides you already said you know the truth because the moleasses are a match.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rcox230 said:


> First of all noone is wallowing passively and I know what i'm going to do. It's easy to talk S%$ from the other side when your not going through it and like you know how to handle every situation perfectly. I'm thinking of my kids and I deserve to know the truth.


@DudeInProgress was harsh. But I think it's more like a slap between the shoulder-blades harsh. He and myself have been in situations where a woman has betrayed us with another man. We handled some of it with dignity and some of it like little boys in pain.

None of us did it perfectly, but yet, here we are and we'd rather give tough love, than no love to other men facing this. Dude is not a bully, Dude is a Dude. I hear your pain, since I used to be a sissy poet.

I think you are doing okay. Not everything in life needs to be the epitome of justice and havoc against the offending. You need to find peace within yourself and get out of being used.

I wish you peace and freedom, everything you can do to obtain justice is a bonus and I wish you all the bonuses you can get too.

Just make the right choices and walk the path that would show you a man in the mirror you can be proud of. That's the best anyone can ever do.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

DudeInProgress said:


> You ridiculous thin-skinned fool. I, and everyone else here, are trying to help you.
> 
> We’re not talking ****, we’re trying to get through to you and tell you what you need to hear.
> We are trying to help you understand the reality of your situation so you can determine your best course of action.
> 
> Because so far, it seems fairly clear that you haven’t been able to set your ego aside enough to do an honest self-assessment here.
> 
> Everyone here has your best interest in mind, whether you realize that or not.
> 
> So again, what are you going to DO now to take control of your situation?


Dude, give the man a break, his head is still spinning. Yes he needs a slap, but not a beating. We all know you want the best for him, so do we. Yes, he needs to act, but think back, all of us were scared of the future when these things were still our past.

@Rcox230 , take this as a slap from an older brother. You need to act, Dude didn't get that part wrong at all.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


In a sense, it's no different than cheaters who rewrite their marital history in their minds to make their ex-spouse the bad guy.

It helps their reputation when they can tell their friends and family that the real reason for the breakup was all the defects in the ex-spouse, not the cheating.

It helps their cognitive dissonance when they try to think of themselves as good when they have done bad things.

How many times on this forum do we see cheaters who say they "can't remember" aspects of their affair, when such a statement is just not plausible? It's a recurring theme.

Your wife is exhibiting the same type of behavior. Keep it buried, deny, etc. After a time, they even start to believe elements of their revised history..


----------



## Trident

DudeInProgress said:


> You ridiculous thin-skinned fool.


Well that escalated quickly.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Rcox230 said:


> I deserve to know the truth.


Yes you do OP but it's not likely to come from her lips. She is too invested in her lies at this point. The truth is always in the details or lack there of. You have enough evidence thus far to piece together the story . The story is, she had an affair,lied about it and now her past has come back to haunt her. Do what's best for you and don't live your life in purgatory.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

@Rcox230 , 6 years ago, your wife, while in a relationship with you, thought you were a slug and she had sex with a man, wanting only your wallet, she kept you around. Now you have video evidence of what she did and no one questions that you know the mole.

Who are you? The man who will allow this and do nothing? The man who would absorb the disrespect and continue with her getting a rap to the knuckles (tacitly giving her permission for future betrayal)?

None of this seems healthy.

I'm not telling you to be Thor, bringing down the Mjölnir on her, but anything short is what you need to live with.

Hell, you need to live with Mjölnir dropping too. None of this is easy, but you need to face yourself in the mirror in the end.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Rcox230 said:


> Every forum that tries to help always has one asshole who thinks he knows it all and your it dude. stop posting on my tread and go find someone else's to call names. I'm done responding to you asshole


You can put him on "ignore" in your settings.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

I don't like the current turn of this thread. but I think daar was alkohol by betrokke.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Dictum Veritas said:


> I don't like the current turn of this thread. but I think daar was alkohol by betrokke.


I had to use Google Translate for that last phrase.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Wolfman1968 said:


> I had to use Google Translate for that last phrase.


Good old translate, but you don't disagree.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


Several reasons:

1). To gaslight you and make you think you are the crazy one for asking her. Hopefully if she can convince you it is all in your head, then you will back off.

2). To protect what little is left of her reputation with those who know about her affair. Up to this point as far as people know it was only two sessions of heavy petting. Now she is frantic that the truth will surface: that it was full on POV on many occasions. She will be branded a liar and manipulator by those she wants to keep in the dark. 

3). To make sure that the tip of the iceberg is all you know about. This affair most likely went far deeper than she is willing to admit and most likely was not her only one. 

4). She is putting the burden of proof on you and daring you to expose her, so she can turn around and accuse you of being controlling and paranoid.


----------



## Trident

ArthurGPym said:


> This affair most likely went far deeper than she is willing to admit


Given the details in the first post, that just HAD to be an intended pun.


----------



## Anastasia6

DudeInProgress said:


> You ridiculous thin-skinned fool. I, and everyone else here, are trying to help you.
> 
> We’re not talking ****, we’re trying to get through to you and tell you what you need to hear.
> We are trying to help you understand the reality of your situation so you can determine your best course of action.
> 
> Because so far, it seems fairly clear that you haven’t been able to set your ego aside enough to do an honest self-assessment here.
> 
> Everyone here has your best interest in mind, whether you realize that or not.
> 
> So again, what are you going to DO now to take control of your situation?


you know this is his life. Maybe he will make different decisions than what you'd like. I think you've veered into bullying here.


----------



## Anastasia6

Rcox230 said:


> Every forum that tries to help always has one asshole who thinks he knows it all and your it dude. stop posting on my tread and go find someone else's to call names. I'm done responding to you asshole


There's an ignore button if you click on their name. When it veers into name calling an bullying there's a report button as well.


----------



## Rus47

ArthurGPym said:


> Several reasons:
> 
> 1). To gaslight you and make you think you are the crazy one for asking her. Hopefully if she can convince you it is all in your head, then you will back off.
> 
> 2). To protect what little is left of her reputation with those who know about her affair. Up to this point as far as people know it was only two sessions of heavy petting. Now she is frantic that the truth will surface: that it was full on POV on many occasions. She will be branded a liar and manipulator by those she wants to keep in the dark.
> 
> 3). To make sure that the tip of the iceberg is all you know about. This affair most likely went far deeper than she is willing to admit and most likely was not her only one.
> 
> 4). She is putting the burden of proof on you and daring you to expose her, so she can turn around and accuse you of being controlling and paranoid.


But if the video is on an internet porn site, don't all of the people who know her recognize she is a star?


----------



## Trident

Rus47 said:


> But if the video is on an internet porn site, don't all of the people who know her recognize she is a star?


Not quite, as per the facts presented.

A coworker that she had an affair with 6 years ago recently uploaded several videos of the two of them having sex in a car and at a residence, taken from behind without her knowledge. There is some question as to how far the part of the affair she confessed to (years ago) actually got, she admitted to only "partial penetration" or something of that nature.

These sex videos were sent to a porn site that is filled with uploaded amateur porn videos and the Op was made aware of these videos via an anonymous email which claimed to be from a good (innocent) friend who just happened upon them while looking for good jerk off material, and somehow recognized his friend's wife only by seeing her backside and hair, which even the Op said isn't believable and drew the only possible conclusion as did several astute members here - the video was taken by the affair partner.

Although the affair was in either 2014 or 2015 depending on which post you favor, the affair partner's porn website profile was not created until 2019 so there is a question as to how long the affair lasted and what affair partner's motivations might be.

During the covert filming, the affair partner accurately predicted the exact moment she's about to turn her head around so he had ample time on at least 4 occasions to drop the camera without her realizing what he was up to. Those videos don't show her face- they only show her backside, her hair and most importantly- a noticeable mole on her ass along with a fair amount of moans.

The Op is almost certain it's her because he recognizes her body from 6 years ago which he stated has now changed considerably, the moans and her ass mole. Despite the overwhelming evidence he insists on hearing the truth from her because he believes that he deserves it. Despite her denials he has decided to divorce her even though he is not 100% sure it's her in the videos, even though he originally stated that he might forgive her because he's a Christian and he believes people can change- and he took great offense to several posters who suggested otherwise.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rus47 said:


> But if the video is on an internet porn site, don't all of the people who know her recognize she is a star?


One moan is all it takes, most people are very attuned to voices, impassioned or not.


----------



## Trident

Dictum Veritas said:


> One moan is all it takes, most people are very attuned to voices, impassioned or not.


True. People that have heard me on the toilet after a night of beer and chicken wings have told me they can't get the sound out of their heads.


----------



## Marc878

Rcox230 said:


> Well I just been sitting back trying to process my thoughts. Long story short I did confront her with 2 of the videos that I'm almost certain is her. She looked at them and immediately denied that was her in the videos. Her exact words--OMG that is not me, I can't believe you would think that is me. All these years you obviously don't know my body. That girl has a perfect body and is in shape I am out of shape and have handles, I have stretch marks etc etc. Now yes she is out of shape now but back then she was in shape working out every day and was much slinder with nice shape. I mentioned that to her I also said I know you have a mole on your ass and showed her the video again. She again said that is not my mole. She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them. If he did I am going to sue his ass I thought that was strange response. I said you said it's not you in the videos so why would you sue him. She said it's not me in the videos. Anyhow she said if you still have trust issues now we should get a divorce and I agreed. She said you are obviously scorned by what happened and will never let it go I have been nothing but faithful to you since. I said but you lied about the affair. Anyhow looks like divorce is the only path here. I still think it is her but I think her pride will not let her admit she lied. She knows how this looks on her and she is embarrassed and will never admit. So I'm going to divorce even with her saying it's not her. I talked to a relationship counselor she told me if she said it's not her why don't you believe her? If it was reversed and you told her it's not you in the video and she said she is still getting a divorce. How would you feel if you knew it wasn't you.


You only need enough proof for you. Counciling can be worse than worthless. A lot are rugsweepers.
The biggest thing is all cheaters for the most part lie. A lot.


----------



## Marc878

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


Cmon. This is common. Liars lie.


----------



## Marc878

Rcox230 said:


> I told the counselor because she cheated on me and during that time I had no idea. She would say she going out with her girls and meet with him. She lied during that whole affair about what she was doing and going. And finally like I been saying I know her body and her marks and her hair


About the only thing you’re accomplishing with the counselor is paying for their kids college fund.


----------



## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced. Just tell the truth what does it matter at this point. Like someone else said it may open up a whole new can of worms of things that happened she didn't tell me and she doesn't want to go down that route idk


Because the truth is worse than the lie. You know what you know of what you can prove. She is keeping to that lie because if she told you the truth, you'd see that she did much more than you know and can prove.


----------



## Openminded

It doesn’t benefit cheaters to tell the truth so it’s rare that they do.


----------



## Evinrude58

Trident said:


> True. People that have heard me on the toilet after a night of beer and chicken wings have told me they can't get the sound out of their heads.


Lmao. This thread needed that laugh.
Hang in there OP. You’re right, you’re in it and it is indeed rough. I’ll bet you feel better some after you serve her papers though.


----------



## Rcox230

Anastasia6 said:


> There's an ignore button if you click on their name. When it veers into name calling an bullying there's a report button as well.


thank you


----------



## jsmart

Hey @Rcox230 , how have things been since you had the divorce conversation? Has she tried to talk about wanting to work things out. Did you discuss the email that she received? Do you have access to her devices to run a recovery? Getting access to her email, text, and social media and doing a deep dive. Also get access to her old phones from years before. Don’t forget to look for hidden folders that can have pics and videos.

I fear that her affair most likely has been going on for years. My reasoning is the date the account was made in 2019. You said his account only had the videos of your wife. Something happened between them back then. Could she have tried to break up with OM back then but have gotten back together after some threats? If the affair was over, why didn’t he send you the videos back then.

He also sent her the Email with the pics within days of you receiving the videos. I suspect that she knew he sent you the videos, which is why she even mentioned the email she received. I’d bet if you dig deep in her emails, you’ll find that there was threats prior to the emails with the pics. To me it screams that they had a break up and he’s been trying to blackmail her to keep her in play but she refused so he’s trying to blow up her life.

Her bringing up divorce is to preempt more discussion and your inquiries. At the bare minimum you now know they had sex at least a handful of times. How? Because she wants to question him and sue him. Why question or threaten lawsuits if she knows it’s not her?


----------



## jonty30

jsmart said:


> Hey @Rcox230 , how have things been since you had the divorce conversation? Has she tried to talk about wanting to work things out. Did you discuss the email that she received? Do you have access to her devices to run a recovery? Getting access to her email, text, and social media and doing a deep dive. Also get access to her old phones from years before. Don’t forget to look for hidden folders that can have pics and videos.
> 
> I fear that her affair most likely has been going on for years. My reasoning is the date the account was made in 2019. You said his account only had the videos of your wife. Something happened between them back then. Could she have tried to break up with OM back then but have gotten back together after some threats? If the affair was over, why didn’t he send you the videos back then.
> 
> He also sent her the Email with the pics within days of you receiving the videos. I suspect that she knew he sent you the videos, which is why she even mentioned the email she received. I’d bet if you dig deep in her emails, you’ll find that there was threats prior to the emails with the pics. To me it screams that they had a break up and he’s been trying to blackmail her to keep her in play but she refused so who tried to blow up her life.
> 
> Her bringing up divorce is to preempt more discussion and your inquiries. At the bare minimum you now know they had sex at least a handful of times. How? Because she wants to question him and sue him. Why question or threaten lawsuits if she knows it’s not her?


Also, if it's not her, there is no harm that can be demonstrated so there is no basis for a lawsuit.


----------



## ArthurGPym

From what Rcox has stated, she has done nothing but rugsweep this affair from since the time it happened. 



> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past.



She has been sealing the lid to this coffin for six years and these videos are nothing more than the final nail. The lid is shut and locked. Rcox doesn't need to prove anything. This whole fiasco is not so much about her lying, as it is her continuing to lie and doing absolutely nothing to heal the marriage.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

It was really snakelike to do this , lie about it and marry the OP under the guise that she came clean. Her behavior was very fraudulent imho because the op likely wouldn't have married her had he known the full story.


----------



## jsmart

Besides the high probability that her affair lasted WAY longer than @Rcox230 thinks what really sucks for him is that she betrayed him when he finally proposed and they became engaged. After finding out, instead of calling off the wedding and dumping her, he goes forward and marries her anyway. I know a big part of the reason has to do with them already having 2 kids but I suspect fear of being alone or of her moving on without him also played a significant role.

A fiancé who’s adulterous betrayal is rewarded with marriage, will see her husband as of lower value compared to her lover. In her eyes her husband was weak for forgiving her and her lover was bold for going after what he wants. Which is why I think she never really deeply reattach to OP. Besides it’s hard to reattach when the OM was likely still in the picture.


----------



## Evinrude58

jsmart said:


> Besides the high probability that her affair lasted WAY longer than @Rcox230 thinks what really sucks for him is that she betrayed him when he finally proposed and they became engaged. After finding out, instead of calling off the wedding and dumping her, he goes forward and marries her anyway. I know a big part of the reason has to do with them already having 2 kids but I suspect fear of being alone or of her moving on without him also played a significant role.
> 
> A fiancé who’s adulterous betrayal is rewarded with marriage, will see her husband as of lower value compared to her lover. In her eyes her husband was weak for forgiving her and her lover was bold for going after what he wants. Which is why I think she never really deeply reattach to OP. * Besides it’s hard to reattach when the OM was likely still in the picture*.


Agreed….. but not hard to reattach— impossible. OP has been used as a tool his entire marriage. I’m sorry OP. You’re a person, not a tool to be used. You deserve better, she deserves a set of neatly stacked and legally notarized divorce papers. 

you were duped into marrying a harlot. I hate that for you. They walk among us.


----------



## drencrom

Rcox230 said:


> Because I have small kids homie it’s not about me you get it?????


I had small kids too when I decided to divorce. I wasn't going to be any good to them as a father if I was sitting at home miserable with a ditch pig gutter wh**e.

I get it, you don't want to disrupt their lives. You want to protect them. Without reading through everything, are these videos supposed to be back in the day, or made after you got married? Either way, I'd want to vomit.


----------



## drencrom

Rcox230 said:


> I don't understand why she is continuing to lie if we have made the decision to get divorced.


2 reasons, one, she might think it will hurt her in court, but the courts don't care, even when it means a mother with low morals would be getting custody. They just don't care.

And two, she wants to exude innocence and doesn't want anyone, including you, thinking she is a pig.


----------



## drencrom

Rcox230 said:


> First of all noone is wallowing passively and I know what i'm going to do. It's easy to talk S%$ from the other side when your not going through it and like you know how to handle every situation perfectly. I'm thinking of my kids and I deserve to know the truth.


You could get custody if you are in a position to have it when you get divorced. But getting it is near impossible. You'd have to get some evidence, even the videos, and show just what a heathen she is in order to get your kids. Aside from proving her to be a drug abuser, or that she beats them, it seems immoral mothers will still get custody, believe me, I know.

So if you are thinking of your kids, I'm taking it you are not seriously considering divorce?(unless I missed something) 

If that is the case, what do you intend to do? Stay married to this skank and be miserable for the rest of your life?


----------



## Djani1979

Why dont you ack her to do polygraph test? When she refuses,then you know for sure that she is lying. If she tells you that she will do it,then you realy go with it,and she wont go when the time comes for test or she will start admitting more. Ask her to take a POLYGRAPH !


----------



## Evinrude58

Djani1979 said:


> Why dont you ack her to do polygraph test? When she refuses,then you know for sure that she is lying. If she tells you that she will do it,then you realy go with it,and she wont go when the time comes for test or she will start admitting more. Ask her to take a POLYGRAPH !


She already told him she’d just assume divorce. She won’t even discuss it with him. A polygraph? She’d laugh in his face. She just doesn’t care and doesn’t think he’ll do anything. He’s spinning his wheels talking about it.


----------



## Sisyphus_

So, are the videos truly your wife? Are you sure? If so, she should be told as the videos may have been put there by him which makes, in many states, an illegal act. She can have them removed.
Consider this: If you have been happily married for 6 years and trust her completely talk to her. It was long ago, and she likely never agreed to allow the videos on xvideos.

Yes, there was multiple times but where they all from after the engagement? Maybe they were lovers before engagement and she had a weakness one night. If your marriage has been rock solid for 6 years, do you want to throw that away?

Plus, 6 years old materials are not likely actionable even if your state has at-fault laws. Every state has Limitation of Actions and few are longer than 3 years. At-fault divorce is only useful to minimize things like alimony.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Sisyphus_ said:


> So, are the videos truly your wife? Are you sure? If so, she should be told as the videos may have been put there by him which makes, in many states, an illegal act. She can have them removed.
> Consider this: If you have been happily married for 6 years and trust her completely talk to her. It was long ago, and she likely never agreed to allow the videos on xvideos.
> 
> Yes, there was multiple times but where they all from after the engagement? Maybe they were lovers before engagement and she had a weakness one night. If your marriage has been rock solid for 6 years, do you want to throw that away?
> 
> Plus, 6 years old materials are not likely actionable even if your state has at-fault laws. Every state has Limitation of Actions and few are longer than 3 years. At-fault divorce is only useful to minimize things like alimony.


Just read the first post huh? Btw, anything goes before an engagement?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Sisyphus_ said:


> So, are the videos truly your wife? Are you sure? If so, she should be told as the videos may have been put there by him which makes, in many states, an illegal act. She can have them removed.
> Consider this: If you have been happily married for 6 years and trust her completely talk to her. It was long ago, and she likely never agreed to allow the videos on xvideos.
> 
> Yes, there was multiple times but where they all from after the engagement? Maybe they were lovers before engagement and she had a weakness one night. If your marriage has been rock solid for 6 years, do you want to throw that away?
> 
> Plus, 6 years old materials are not likely actionable even if your state has at-fault laws. Every state has Limitation of Actions and few are longer than 3 years. At-fault divorce is only useful to minimize things like alimony.


You should read all the details, these things are answered. He is positive it is her. Even though he never sees her face there is plenty of evidence that makes him sure it is her. She cheated while they were engaged. She lied and said it was only once and he just put the tip in. As the videos show it was more than the tip (she's riding him) and it was more than once. Also her response when he confronted her makes it obvious it was her even if she denies it.


----------



## jsmart

If his WW really wanted to fight for her husband and to keep the family together, she would be bending over backwards to prove her innocence. For her to go straight to let’s just divorce after being questioned should really tell @Rcox230 that her love for him is only on a superficial level. 

If he were to logically think through the evidence, he would have to come face to face with the real possibility that her affair lasted until recently. To learn that all or most of your marriage was a lie has got to be a painful conclusion.


----------



## Rus47

She already suggested divorce if he wasn't ready to ignore the videos. If they don't divorce, she may just conclude she is "good to go", nothing will happen, she can live single on OP's dime.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Sisyphus_ said:


> So, are the videos truly your wife? Are you sure?


Let me help your roll that rock for a moment and tell you, I'd know my wife's backside on a grainy video just by the way she moves it. OP wouldn't be here if his amygdala (gut) wasn't sure. He has a problem since his frontal lobe is seeding doubt, but the amygdala knows.



Sisyphus_ said:


> If so, she should be told as the videos may have been put there by him which makes, in many states, an illegal act. She can have them removed.


That's between her and the AP. The only reason for OP to assist her is simply for the sake of his kids, but if it's just her backside hopping and no face, I don't even think it's worth his effort to assist.



Sisyphus_ said:


> Consider this: If you have been happily married for 6 years and trust her completely talk to her. It was long ago, and she likely never agreed to allow the videos on xvideos.


There is no moratorium on matters of the heart and again. The legalities are between her and the AP.



Sisyphus_ said:


> Yes, there was multiple times but where they all from after the engagement? Maybe they were lovers before engagement and she had a weakness one night. If your marriage has been rock solid for 6 years, do you want to throw that away?


That's up to OP. If he's like me, sexual betrayal 30 years ago is a deal-breaker and I would be extra peaved (mitigated term) just because of being lied to for years and loosing those years where I could have been moving on with a better person. Time is the only wealth we cannot ever reclaim. Once spent it is gone. Time spent on a base of lies is time wasted. It taints everything, even the memories we once held dear. There is nothing as bad as wasting time building memories good memories because the foundation the memories were built on was nothin but a lie.



Sisyphus_ said:


> Plus, 6 years old materials are not likely actionable even if your state has at-fault laws. Every state has Limitation of Actions and few are longer than 3 years. At-fault divorce is only useful to minimize things like alimony.


Nope, I studied law and did some research. Sex with the SO after gaining the knowledge of the betrayal is the only thing that can cancel divorce on the grounds of adultery in any legal jurisdiction where adultery is still valid. Any sex while still ignorant of the betrayal is not seen as consent and thus not factored.

Inversely, there are still some international jurisdictions where she is subject to stoning for her actions if found guilty.

I'm not casting a moral opinion, just a legal one, based on the ability to read law.

It's such a sad event when that stone is at the bottom of the mountain again.


----------



## jonty30

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's up to OP. If he's like me, sexual betrayal 30 years ago is a deal-breaker and I would be extra peaved (mitigated term) just because of being lied to for years and loosing those years where I could have been moving on with a better person. Time is the only wealth we cannot ever reclaim. Once spent it is gone. Time spent on a base of lies is time wasted. It taints everything, even the memories we once held dear. There is nothing as bad as wasting time building memories good memories because the foundation the memories were built on was nothin but a lie.


For me, the marriage ends on the night of betrayal. That would not matter if we were married for 32 years and I was betrayed 2 years into the marriage. It's been over from that moment and it would have been better for the both of us for her to have ended it when she decided to have sex with another guy,.

I say that as a general principle by the definition of marriage. If I was unfaithful, I would have ended the marriage at my moment of infidelity.


----------



## Rcox230

Sisyphus_ said:


> So, are the videos truly your wife? Are you sure? If so, she should be told as the videos may have been put there by him which makes, in many states, an illegal act. She can have them removed.
> Consider this: If you have been happily married for 6 years and trust her completely talk to her. It was long ago, and she likely never agreed to allow the videos on xvideos.
> 
> Yes, there was multiple times but where they all from after the engagement? Maybe they were lovers before engagement and she had a weakness one night. If your marriage has been rock solid for 6 years, do you want to throw that away?
> 
> Plus, 6 years old materials are not likely actionable even if your state has at-fault laws. Every state has Limitation of Actions and few are longer than 3 years. At-fault divorce is only useful to minimize things like alimony.


Can I say 100% without seeing her face no


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rcox230 said:


> Can I say 100% without seeing her face no


What does your (gut) amygdala say. It's not worried about evidence. It can grab a ball out of the air placing your hands in the right spot in a nano-second. It can calculate equations science have not even defined to place your body out of harm and ensure your survival. It knows, what does it say?


----------



## jsmart

@Rcox230 and his wife were living together in a committed relationship raising their 2 kids for years before the affair; so they were practically married but just not legally. Her affair of “6 months” supposedly started during the engagement. 

I wonder if they were having problems or she was pulling away from him because of her feelings for OM and he proposed as a way to nice her back. Don’t know the timeline and I doubt if he even knows when her affair really started. He gave the 6 months based on her word and what little he gathered from her phone. Maybe he can shed light on that.


----------



## Rcox230

jonty30 said:


> For me, the marriage ends on the night of betrayal. That would not matter if we were married for 32 years and I was betrayed 2 years into the marriage. It's been over from that moment and it would have been better for the both of us for her to have ended it when she decided to have sex with another guy,.
> 
> I say that as a general principle by the definition of marriage. If I was unfaithful, I would have ended the marriage at my moment of infidelity.


we weren't married when it happened


----------



## jonty30

Rcox230 said:


> we weren't married when it happened


Yes, but you were in an exclusive relationship. There was no expectation on her part to think of herself as unattached and single.


----------



## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> Can I say 100% without seeing her face no


Really? I think you know deep in your gut that it’s her. Any man who’s been married for years knows his wife backside, hair and her moans. Besides, why would your wife receive an email with pics too?

I know that TAM can get scary and intimidating but we are here to help. Most of the people here have been in your shoes, which is why we can see through the holes in the story right away. We give you input to force you to dig deeper and not accept vague answers that make no logical sense. These are points that you should be forcefully making to your wife so you can get the answer and closure you need.

If you had TAM 6 years ago, you would most likely not married her. It would have been much easier to end the relationship back then but now you’re legally married and invested 6 more years of your life with this woman.


----------



## Evinrude58

Rcox,

Has she made any effort whatsoever to straighten this out with you— or is her default setting “if you have a problem, let’s just divorce”???

Even if it wasn’t her in the video, she still cheated on you and I suspect you feel the same as most men that it doesn’t really matter how deep his pecker went in, it’s still cheating.

The biggest problem in staying with her is that she’s not only a cheater, but a cheater that shows no remorse and seems to place zero value on your feelings…….

Di you plan in trying to keep her, or trying to get rid of her at this point?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I'd get the AP's side of the story. I get the feeling he'd be only too willing to dish out the details.


----------



## Rcox230

Evinrude58 said:


> Rcox,
> 
> Has she made any effort whatsoever to straighten this out with you— or is her default setting “if you have a problem, let’s just divorce”???
> 
> Even if it wasn’t her in the video, she still cheated on you and I suspect you feel the same as most men that it doesn’t really matter how deep his pecker went in, it’s still cheating.
> 
> The biggest problem in staying with her is that she’s not only a cheater, but a cheater that shows no remorse and seems to place zero value on your feelings…….
> 
> Di you plan in trying to keep her, or trying to get rid of her at this point?


Yeah she reversed course and doesn't want a divorce now but I have separated myself


----------



## Rob_1

Rcox230 said:


> but I have separated myself


The sooner you end it the better for everyone's emotional sake. The relationship should have ended 6 years ago, so regardless, now is as good as any other time to end it.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rcox230 said:


> Yeah she reversed course and doesn't want a divorce now but I have separated myself


She'll always want what she can't have.... Make her want you from now on...


----------



## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> Yeah she reversed course and doesn't want a divorce now but I have separated myself


She reversed course? Is she giving you the details you need for closure and to put your mind at ease? Did you see the email that had the pics? Have you really checked her devices past and present, to see if she was receiving blackmail type emails or if they were indeed just recently broken up like I suspect? Did you mention the strange coincidence of you receiving those videos and then her receiving those pics with days of each other? Why would he try to blow up her life 6 years later? Have you asked her point blank, did her affair continue for all these years? 

Even if you end up divorcing, you will want to know. It will haunt you to leave things unresolved.


----------



## Rcox230

jsmart said:


> She reversed course? Is she giving you the details you need for closure and to put your mind at ease? Did you see the email that had the pics? Have you really checked her devices past and present, to see if she was receiving blackmail type emails or if they were indeed just recently broken up like I suspect? Did you mention the strange coincidence of you receiving those videos and then her receiving those pics with days of each other? Why would he try to blow up her life 6 years later? Have you asked her point blank, did her affair continue for all these years?
> 
> Even if you end up divorcing, you will want to know. It will haunt you to leave things unresolved.


Since the affair I have access to all her emails, social media, and text. Haven't found anything. As far as her giving me details she has said no it didn't continue. It was only once, He has not tried to blackmail and it did not continue after she told me


----------



## Trident

BigDaddyNY said:


> As the videos show it was more than the tip (she's riding him)


Where'd you get that from? Did you see the videos? It was posted that the guy took the videos from behind her and dropped the camera "when it looked like she was about to turn her head". The only way I can imagine that if it's the typical "doggie style" position and as I stated on an earlier post, it seems rather questionable that the guy can covertly video on several occasions and accurately predict when she's about to turn her head around and drop the camera. But even if we accept that as fact, how could he possibly take covert videos while she's "riding him"? Obviously she'd have to be facing away from him but they'd be very close together, the phone would be less than a foot or so away from her and he'd have to lose the camera without her being aware it- on several occasions.


----------



## Kaliber

Rcox230 said:


> Can I say 100% without seeing her face no


You have the videos and you know if it's your wife or not (You're the only one who knows for sure), you also know her response when you confronted her.. So it's you call!
I'll have to admit, the way you confronted her wasn't very good, you showed her your hand before getting the information you want, you showed her the videos first, and she used the fact that her face wasn't showing to deny it's her, she used that to her advantage... But her response was very telling.

I would have confronted her without showing her the videos (she got an email about it and told you, didn't she?).
I would have told her that you got some videos of her having sex at different times and locations, and to spell out the full truth, and that you will show her the videos after you get the full truth because you need to gauge her honesty!
That way she doesn't know how much you know and will have to either deny every thing or confess about it all.
But now she knows that you only have videos without her face showing and she is taking her chances on that!

Her response made my stomach turn, because if she is innocent she will do what she can to prove to you it's not her to ease your pain, but what she did is threaten you with divorce, her response amount to black mailing, drop it and forget about it or else we divorce, this is not a response from a woman that loves her husband dearly, a woman that loves her husband and cares about him will try to ease his pain and trauma after being exposed to a video thinking it was his wife!
Usually guilty people are the ones who use this approach, the leave it or break it approach!

@Rcox230 as I said before, it could be a move from her (threatening divorce) to avoid opining a can of warms!
She reversed course and doesn't want a divorce!
You're the only one who knows your wife better than anyone.
You can gauge her attitude at home, how is she acting these days? Does she really understand and care about the pain and doubts you are going through? Does she care about her marriage and tries to save it? Does she treat you with respect and understanding? Does she understand the gravity of the situation? You're the only one that can answer these questions!

At the end of the day, it's your call and what you can live with!
Just be carful,* the spouse that care less in a relationship holds all the power*, and you don't want her to hold all the power by bending backwards and trying to please her!
Because what happens to men that bend backwards in an infidelity situations? Go read the Coping with Infidelity section here (brows through the pages) and other infidelity forums and see for yourself!

One last note: *Don't pay the full price for something that another man got for free!*
I wish you the best of luck my friend and stay strong!


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Rcox230 said:


> Since the affair I have access to all her emails, social media, and text. Haven't found anything. As far as her giving me details she has said no it didn't continue. It was only once, He has not tried to blackmail and it did not continue after she told me


Still only a rubby dub dub, no entry to the club? Is that her story?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Trident said:


> Where'd you get that from? Did you see the videos? It was posted that the guy took the videos from behind her and dropped the camera "when it looked like she was about to turn her head". The only way I can imagine that if it's the typical "doggie style" position and as I stated on an earlier post, it seems rather questionable that the guy can covertly video on several occasions and accurately predict when she's about to turn her head around and drop the camera. But even if we accept that as fact, how could he possibly take covert videos while she's "riding him"? Obviously she'd have to be facing away from him but they'd be very close together, the phone would be less than a foot or so away from her and he'd have to lose the camera without her being aware it- on several occasions.


He said more than once that the woman in the video has a mole in the exact same place as his wife and he could recognize her moans (poor guy).

She also said this: "She then said ok we are going to have a sit down with the guy and ask him if he made these or any videos and posted them. If he did I am going to sue his ass I thought that was strange response. I said you said it's not you in the videos so why would you sue him. She said it's not me in the videos. "

If not her, why would she want to contact her ex-AP to see if he made them and posted them? And if she is so sure they aren't her, why would she say she will sue him?


----------



## Trident

I don't have answers to any of your questions.

I'm questioning the credibility of how the videos could have been taken in the first place.

I just don't see a guy screwing a woman from behind, videoing her with his phone, and knowing exactly when to drop it before she turns her head around.

On multiple occasions.

I definitely can't see it happening if she's doing the ole' cowgirl position as you suggested.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Trident said:


> I don't have answers to any of your questions.
> 
> I'm questioning the credibility of how the videos could have been taken in the first place.
> 
> I just don't see a guy screwing a woman from behind, videoing her with his phone, and knowing exactly when to drop it before she turns her head around.
> 
> On multiple occasions.
> 
> I definitely can't see it happening if she's doing the ole' cowgirl position as you suggested.


You never had a free hand? I salute your dedication and commitment.


----------



## Trident

Dictum Veritas said:


> You never had a free hand? I salute your dedication and commitment.


What does that have to do with anything?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Trident said:


> What does that have to do with anything?


We need to paint a picture, lol. Imagine a woman straddling you in the back seat of a car, face to face. You hold the phone in your right hand outstretched behind her. Then as she starts to turn her head you just drop the phone.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Trident said:


> What does that have to do with anything?


I'm surprised you had to ask.


----------



## Trident

BigDaddyNY said:


> We need to paint a picture, lol. Imagine a woman straddling you in the back seat of a car, face to face. You hold the phone in your right hand outstretched behind her. Then as she starts to turn her head you just drop the phone.


I suppose that's one way to do it.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Rcox230 said:


> Yeah she reversed course and doesn't want a divorce now but I have separated myself


Well of course not. You help pay the bills and take care of the kids. She doesn't want to end up a single mom. Who would? It has nothing to do with love.


----------



## Diana7

If she is prepared to be completely honest and open and agrees to back what she says up with a lie detector then maybe, just maybe you have a chance. 
The trouble is she has lied and deceived you many times it will be near impossible to trust her again.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> Can I say 100% without seeing her face no


By the things she has said since confrontation she has admitted it is her without even realizing she is admitting it! That should make up for any doubt you may have. It is her.

Even my wife caught that when I read to her your wife's response to you


----------



## Divinely Favored

Rcox230 said:


> Since the affair I have access to all her emails, social media, and text. Haven't found anything. As far as her giving me details she has said no it didn't continue. It was only once, He has not tried to blackmail and it did not continue after she told me


Tell her prove it! Polygraph!


----------



## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> By the things she has said since confrontation she has admitted it is her without even realizing she is admitting it! That should make up for any doubt you may have. It is her.
> 
> Even my wife caught that when I read to her your wife's response to you


Yep.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

@Rcox230 . Share and share alike. I mean, who wouldn't like his wife shtooping another guy just after engagement. Man I can't see a reason it's not everyone's dream. You go! so empowering to have a sexually liberated woman dictating you endearment...

Or take them out of her purse and tell her you aren't at all happy with this.

I don't care if you D or R, but please repossess you tentacles.


----------



## jsmart

Rcox230 said:


> Since the affair I have access to all her emails, social media, and text. Haven't found anything. As far as her giving me details she has said no it didn't continue. It was only once, He has not tried to blackmail and it did not continue after she told me


I know you want to save your marriage. I totally get it. You’ve been together for many years and you don’t want to be turned into a part time dad. But please don’t rug sweep this. Allowing your wife to bully you into submission 6 years ago is what has gotten you here. Even @Divinely Favored ’s wife, who’s not a TAM junkie like us, could see that her response was a round about admission that it was her. 

This is a case that cries out for a poly. They’re about 5 to 7 hundred dollars, depending where in the country you live. You’re allowed to ask about 4 yes or no questions. Talking to the examiner will help you narrow down the questions that will effectively get you the info you need for closure.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Rcox230 said:


> Since the affair I have access to all her emails, social media, and text. Haven't found anything. As far as her giving me details she has said no it didn't continue. It was only once, He has not tried to blackmail and it did not continue after she told me


She knows it's her in the videos and she knows exactly who sent them to you and to her.


----------



## Davit Bek

Keep in mind you still have the right to divorce her for the initial infidelity even though you decided to stay. This has become too complicated and has elements that at best leave a lot of unanswered questions and don't make sense with the details she gives you. It's not hard to see that there is deception and lack of transparency here. This should be enough for a divorce.


----------



## Djani1979

Polygraph!


----------



## manwithnoname

I would test her. Since she says that was the only time and it didn't continue, bluff that you received another video that convinces you it's her. Tell her to come clean or it's divorce for sure. 

Then divorce her regardless.


----------



## Tdbo

Dictum Veritas said:


> @Rcox230 .
> 
> I don't care if you D or R, but please repossess you tentacles.


Agreed. Reclaim your testicles, as well.


----------



## Tdbo

manwithnoname said:


> I would test her. Since she says that was the only time and it didn't continue, bluff that you received another video that convinces you it's her. Tell her to come clean or it's divorce for sure.
> 
> Then divorce her regardless.


I'd save the drama.
Just have her served without warning.
Tell her that it is incumbent upon on her to save the marriage and you will give her one hearing to make her case.
If she is fully compliant, comes clean and does what is required, great. You will entertain continuing it on terms that are favorable to you, giving her a path to earn her way back.
If she doesn't come around, flush her down and be done with it.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

Tdbo said:


> I'd save the drama.
> Just have her served without warning.
> Tell her that it is incumbent upon on her to save the marriage and you will give her one hearing to make her case.
> If she is fully compliant, comes clean and does what is required, great. You will entertain continuing it on terms that are favorable to you, giving her a path to earn her way back.
> If she doesn't come around, flush her down and be done with it.


1) Here's the divorce papers, because this is what I now believe happened.
2) Prove me wrong to save this.

This will either give you the truth and a marriage or the confirmation she just doesn't care enough for you either way. Either way it will give you peace of mind and a firm foundation onto which your future can be built.


----------



## Rcox230

manwithnoname said:


> I would test her. Since she says that was the only time and it didn't continue, bluff that you received another video that convinces you it's her. Tell her to come clean or it's divorce for sure.
> 
> Then divorce her regardless.


Yeah


----------



## A18S37K14H18

OP,

This is going to continue for as long as you allow to go on.

I get it's emotional, I've been cheated on.

I may be off base here, let me state that up front.

It seems like you're looking for some way to stay in the relationship, for some way for you to save face, keep your dignity, to work through this and move on.

That's the wrong thing to do. Don't look for some way to stay.

If you are to stay, it must be for the right reasons. Both of you must really work on things, be a team and pull on the rope together.

It doesn't appear as if she's going to do that and that's her choice.

You just keep flopping around like a fish out of water trying to find some way to get around this.

Quit trying to do that. Either both of you work like heck on this and I mean really work on things, not just this, but other issues in the relationship too because this should be a moment in time that causes both of you to really work on things.

If one or both you can't or won't do that, end this.

Don't sit on the fence and slowly circle the drain.


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## Keepin-my-head-up

Or….
Stay married and work on opening up the relationship.
If you think about it, you are married to a woman who does porn!
How awesome could that be?!?!

If you can’t bring yourself to leave, make it work in another way.
There are no rules in your marriage besides the one you and your other half are willing to make and abide by


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## BigDaddyNY

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Or….
> Stay married and work on opening up the relationship.
> If you think about it, you are married to a woman who does porn!
> How awesome could that be?!?!
> 
> If you can’t bring yourself to leave, make it work in another way.
> There are no rules in your marriage besides the one you and your other half are willing to make and abide by


She may be a cheater, but she isn't a woman that does porn. She is a woman that was record by a man without her permission who then posted on the internet. As much as it pains me to say this about a cheater, she is a victim.


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## masterofmasters

sounds like her, looks like her body(which only YOU should be able to clearly know), has her mole in the same spot...but it isn't her.

you're being way too nice. she expected you to just rugsweep this new info? is she on some sort of medication? ask her how the hell would she feel if the roles were reversed.


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## SunCMars

You need _not_ get to the bottom of this.

Another man has met that place.

Face the front, place that familiar face in the past. 

True or not, those video clips were meant to hurt. 

And, they now have taken you down from behind.

The sender is a low down, cruel, doggy backstabber.

May he suffer the same fate.

Divorce, and never turn back, nor turn around, yourself.

May no decent man ever find the need to process this filth. 



_Nemesis-_


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## Divinely Favored

Edit


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## Divinely Favored

BigDaddyNY said:


> She may be a cheater, but she isn't a woman that does porn. She is a woman that was record by a man without her permission who then posted on the internet. As much as it pains me to say this about a cheater, she is a victim.


Especially a victim of her own stupid lustful desires. Kind of like a guy twirling a 45 and dropping it causing a discharge and then blaming the revolver for him being shot. Gets no sympathy in my book.


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## BigDaddyNY

Divinely Favored said:


> Especially a victim of her own stupid lustful desires. Kind of like a guy twirling a 45 and dropping it causing a discharge and then blaming the revolver for him being shot. Gets no sympathy in my book.


Sorry, I can't agree with you on this one. Your analogy would be accurate if she agreed to be recorded thinking it would never get out only to have it posted down the road. In this case she had no clue and gave no permission. That's actually illegal. She is a victim of a crime.

I'm not in anyway forgiving or excusing the cheating, but it isn't illegal.


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## manwithnoname

BigDaddyNY said:


> Sorry, I can't agree with you on this one. Your analogy would be accurate if she agreed to be recorded thinking it would never get out only to have it posted down the road. In this case she had no clue and gave no permission. That's actually illegal. She is a victim of a crime.
> 
> I'm not in anyway forgiving or excusing the cheating, but it isn't illegal.


Agreed, but these are two different things. What one POS does, does not exonerate the actions of another POS.


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## Divinely Favored

BigDaddyNY said:


> Sorry, I can't agree with you on this one. Your analogy would be accurate if she agreed to be recorded thinking it would never get out only to have it posted down the road. In this case she had no clue and gave no permission. That's actually illegal. She is a victim of a crime.
> 
> I'm not in anyway forgiving or excusing the cheating, but it isn't illegal.


In many States, adultery is still a crime...makes OP her victim. It is just no longer prosecuted. 

Point is the video would not exist if not for her stupid actions. 🎠She put herself in the position, (pun intended) for the asshole to get the video. Play stupid games? DING!DING! DING! 🎉🎁🎁


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## BigDaddyNY

manwithnoname said:


> Agreed, but these are two different things. What one POS does, does not exonerate the actions of another POS.


Oh absolutely. She should suffer the consequences for her actions and the OM should suffer consequences for his actions. The difference is one is an illegal act the other is not.


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## wmn1

Rcox230 said:


> we weren't married when it happened


maybe not technically but yes you kind of were.


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## wmn1

My whole question is why the video now ? Intent ?


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## jsmart

The video being sent now along with her getting an email with pics too, point to the strong possibility that either it never ended or it went dormant for a while and then restarted with them ending it on a bad note. 
we have had many threads of affairs restarting months or sometimes even years later.


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## BigDaddyNY

jsmart said:


> The video being sent now along with her getting an email with pics too, point to the strong possibility that either it never ended or it went dormant for a while and then restarted with them ending it on a bad note.
> we have had many threads of affairs restarting months or sometimes even years later.


Not to mention that his wife jumped straight to , might as well divorce, leads me to believe the affair went well beyond the engagement and into the marriage, at the very least.


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## ArthurGPym

Rcox230 said:


> Yeah



Dude... you have got to stop being so passive.


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## SunCMars

The past will not let go.

There continues to be these lingering painful admonitions, those agonizing moments, yes. seen anew.

The odorous smoke and the dank steam from her earlier affair, have never dissipated.

You (we), know she had that affair, the video clips, whether true or not, are those, in your face, those so sticky, stinky reminders.

Separate from her, and the past will go its own way, taking the smell with it.

Um, yes, total honesty and an accurate timeline would ease your anguish.

As would, true remorse.

True remorse, a horse of a different color.

Her hide is gray, and her 'snort' replies, are reactionary and unaffected.

The lady does not care.



_Nemesis- _a voice from another dimension.


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## Kamstel2

Just wanted to check in on you?

how are you doing?

hang in there and stay strong


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## thunderchad

Leave her immediately and never look back. She's probably still cheating on you right now.


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## thunderchad

#1 - ask her to do a polygraph
#2 - ask the man she had an affair with what really happened

Regardless, if my wife let some dude do "just the tip" I'd still divorce her ass immediately.


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## Trident

thunderchad said:


> if my wife let some dude do "just the tip" I'd still divorce her ass immediately.


So what? You're not him and she's not your wife. What you would do is irrelevant.


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## Talker67

jsmart said:


> I know you want to save your marriage. I totally get it. You’ve been together for many years and you don’t want to be turned into a part time dad. But please don’t rug sweep this. Allowing your wife to bully you into submission 6 years ago is what has gotten you here. Even @Divinely Favored ’s wife, who’s not a TAM junkie like us, could see that her response was a round about admission that it was her.
> 
> *This is a case that cries out for a poly.* They’re about 5 to 7 hundred dollars, depending where in the country you live. You’re allowed to ask about 4 yes or no questions. Talking to the examiner will help you narrow down the questions that will effectively get you the info you need for closure.


and...OP, did you ever scan the videos for the metadata? that would tell a lot too


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## ElOtro

Trident said:


> So what? You're not him and she's not your wife. What you would do is irrelevant.


Fair enough.
But besides the choice of words, this would make also irrelevant any and all the opinions and advice from others, exception made he answers to himself.


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## Trident

There's tons of great relevant opinions and advice on this forum. There's probably just as much useless, irrelevant and just plain bad advice.

A useful/relevant opinion could be along the lines of "If you still want to try and fix this after all she's done, sit down with her and explain she's got to make things right by addressing all your feelings, pain, needs and wants following her transgressions. If she shows no remorse, then you really should leave her because she's not interested in doing the right thing and has no respect for you".

A useless/irrelevant opinion might be "Leave her, that's what I would do".

In this particular case, my advise would be the useless/irrelevant variety and I'd say "If she was my wife she'd be kicked to the curb".


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## syhoybenden

Talker67 said:


> and...OP, did you ever scan the videos for the metadata? that would tell a lot too


And if you're not an expert then hire someone who really knows the ins and outs of forensically examining videos to do it. 

And the truth shall set you free.


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## ElOtro

syhoybenden said:


> And the truth shall set you free.


Yup.
Truth and (if in case of some true news) divorce shall set you free.


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## Chaparralredux

If you’re not 100% certain you should at least offer to let her take a polygraph test. Find out who local law enforcement uses and talk to them. If she did have a lot more affairs or a much longer one she will refuse or try to bluff her way through it. Do the test no matter what. Parking lot confessions are common the day of the test. At least you can be confident you haven’t torn your kids family apart for nothing. 
Do you actually know what the AP was and who sent you-the emails?
It’s especially galling that by divorcing her, the “blackmailer” is getting what he set out to do.
He could be sending the videos he has. That doesn’t mean they were actually put online. Did you try checking that website?


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## vintagefiremaan

To me it's simple......polygraph or sign divorce papers.


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## Beach123

Man, she has spoon fed you a crock of poop. You want to believe it so desperately you don’t try and find the truth.
Eyes closed = you won’t know.
Polygraph her. She deserves to be divorced.
Why you put up with such poor behavior from your wife is ridiculous. 
She is in it for your help - with the kids and the money.


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## plastow

Divinely Favored said:


> Walk the hell away from the skank. Record the videos and when she gets pissy, just play a clip and tell her your done!


tell your wife about the call pointing out it was an anonymous source,but that it has shaken you her to tell you everything she did with the other guy now not at some time in the future,now.


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## ElOtro

vintagefiremaan said:


> To me it's simple......polygraph or sign divorce papers.


Also simple for me....polygraph *and* sign divorce papers.
Or...just may be...polygraph becomes optional so it makes it even simpler.


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## Junebug86

Rcox230 said:


> I really need some advice on what I should do about my wife's affair. Ok so 6 years ago me and my wife were engaged and in January 2015 she came to me and confessed about an affair she had with a co worker. She is a supervisor and this other guy was one of her employees. Now at first she told me 3 different stories on what happened, then she sat me down one day and say ok I'm gonna tell you the truth. So the story she told me was it was just a 4 month emotional affair that got physical one night she went out with her girlfriends. She left her girlfriends and went to his house. She said it got real intense and physical, I specifically asked her did you have sex with him. And her answer was it kind of felt like it he was rubbing on my vagina wand partially sticking it in. She never said actually yes he penetrated me. Anyway she said once that night happened she felt really bad and ended it. I asked her were there any other days before that night where they got physical and she said no. She said there was one other instance in his car but it was just caressing of hair. Now from the story she told me I took time to decide whether to stay and I ended up staying. She cried and begged me not to leave her and she was so sorry. a Year later we got married.
> 
> Now ever since then I have never felt closure from it. After a few months she refused to talk about it anymore and said we have to move forward and forget the past. Well recently a friend of mine emailed me. He wouldn't tell me his name but he said he is very close friend of mine. He emailed me 4 different videos from a porn site called xvideos of what he says is my wife having sex with someone. He told me he was just on the porn site to get his jerks off but came across the videos and was shocked to see her on them. It was obviously from the guy at work she had an affair with. My friend said he was shocked and felt he had to tell me.
> 
> I am kind of devastated because now I just know she told me a straight up lie about the affair. In one of the videos she is in the back seat of his car. I really don't know what to do. Should I confront her about these videos or just leave it alone. It seems they were having sex multiple times for who knows how long. I don't believe any of the story she told me now. I don't understand why a women would confess about an affair and then lie about the story. If she would have told me the truth I would of left her and never married her. Please help me guys I don't know what to do


I would suggest professional help. Your heart has to be broken.


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## truststone

skerzoid said:


> You answered your own question; if she would have told you the truth, you wouldn't have married her.


this is exactly it on a you stayed with her even after you new 3 different versions what in your eyes does she think of you seriously ??? how can she value someone where she lies and no consequence she gr you she marriade you and yes she has cheated more on you than you will ever know.. dont ever avoid red flags and not take them serioulsy it will only hurt you and you alone !!


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## truststone

Rcox230 said:


> Passive because I care about my kids well being than me and hers???


if you care about your kids you will want to be an example so constantly ask yourself what are you teaching them !! if you stay and they find out later how wiil effect them ? if your not with there mone they will grow to understand why and never tolerate cheating . how many lies are to many when is it enough dont show them that lying is okay when cheating is involved


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## truststone

sorry about the misspelling etc in my earlier messages was so mad reading all this stuff !! Parents need to think about what they are teaching kids and this behavior is never okay !!! if its on the internet it will come out one one day and then what ?? kids will only remember your actions and will always ask why?? imagine their in the same situation as you and do as you have and stay then what ? will they be strong enough to last ? .. please dont allow them to grow up in this toxic environment !!


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## 86857

Yes, very difficult when kids involved. 
OP, hope you are OK.


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## MattMatt

Unfortunately @Rcox230 hasn't been seen on TAM in several months so we may never hear of subsequent developments.

If the OP comes back we will be here for them.


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