# Pilot Boyfriend keeps leaving me and flying to other cities ... and now has blown off an important event of mine



## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I have been dating a commercial pilot for almost 2 months. We really hit it off... and in fact, he suggested we go on a trip on our second week of dating..... it was a terrific time, for the most part. 

He lives 2 hours from me (where his airport is based) but I own my own. business and I can work remotely. So I can often travel with him or stay in his town. 

Well, I'm starting to experience some issues. He flew out of town last week and said he would fly to me after his trip. he did, and we had a great weekend. He asked if I wanted to drive to HIS home and stay with him until he flew out again. I said sure... he wasn't scheduled to take a flight until the end of this week, but he did tell me he was going to try to pick up a trip prior to that... for overtime, if he could. We left on Sunday and arrived at his home. We ate dinner and then he told me he had to leave the next morning. (WHY DID I DRIVE TO STAY AT HIS HOUSE IF HE IS LEAVING). He told me I could just stay at his house until he returned. Well, That was Tuesday. Today he told me he isn't coming home until 10pm tonight and he picked up another trip tomorrow MORNING and said it is fine if I want to go home. 

2 weeks ago, I told him this coming* friday*, I have a very important client party and I asked him to attend with me. He said yes. He even suggested he get the proper gift for the male house (my client). So, when I realized I wasted a few days working at his house and he's not even in town.... I said okay, well you are good to fly back and attend the event w me? Noooo...he chose to get overtime and take another trip the night of my event. 

I told him that this was really disappointing to me since I now have to attend alone since I had RSVP'd his name to attend with me. I said can you take the trip (it's all EXTRA AND NOT REQUIRED) the following day instead? He said no, that he has a party to attend with his friend and he can NOT miss that.

I drove home today crying.... I thought wow. Ok...so I just wasted all this time waiting for him to come home and he's not even going to attend my event.

He apologized and said he was sorry for disappointing me... and he wanted to make it up to me and he will block off 3 days and take a trip with me later this month. I said ok... and after being pretty clear about my disappointment and the disruption this has caused in MY life... I was calm and kind about it. I told him in the future I will try to communicate better about how significant of an event this was for me.

He has continued to call and text all day and said he was glad to hear that I was sounding less depressed on the phone today (he cracked a joke and I had laughed at it).... But I'm not feeling good about this.

I am hurt... and I realize that I moved quickly in this relationship and he is clearly not someone who is considering my feelings and life, as well.

However, it's confusing...he likes to cook for me...bring me sweet little gifts ... and non stop texting me pictures and sweet songs. 

BUT that's one last concern that I have... he has been divorced for 20 years. (he's 47) and he had a live in girlfriend up until a year ago. He talks about her all the time.... he mentions long songs and says his ex sent him that song ...etc etc.

He said they are friends ... but distant now because she is seeing another man. 

I don't know what the flip to think....or how to discuss this with him becuase I think I've said everything I possibly can. 

He had the opportunity to make it right and NOT take the trip the night of my event and he chose to do it anyway. 

He said he is doing it because he needs to up his game since I make more money in business than he does... (he has NO DEBT -- owns his house outright and has paid off his car). He def isn't scraping by and could have easily prioritized me for ONE trip.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I have two friends married to pilots. One has an open marriage and the other is raising three daughters alone while her husband cheats on her in every city he visits.

This is a dating relationship, where you see if you’re compatible. Everyone is different and certainly two pilots being horn dogs isn’t indicative of all pilots. But at the very least, he’s going to be gone a LOT, and while yes, overtime is “extra,” it’s really good money so they’re going to take it. Schedules are always going to be a struggle. You have to be realistic about your expectations. Just my 2 cents, I’d cut your losses and not waste any more time on this one.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I have two friends married to pilots. One has an open marriage and the other is raising three daughters alone while her husband cheats on her in every city he visits.
> 
> This is a dating relationship, where you see if you’re compatible. Everyone is different and certainly two pilots being horn dogs isn’t indicative of all pilots. But at the very least, he’s going to be gone a LOT, and while yes, overtime is “extra,” it’s really good money so they’re going to take it. Schedules are always going to be a struggle. You have to be realistic about your expectations. Just my 2 cents, I’d cut your losses and not waste any more time on this one.


Thank you for your reply.. It's hard because I really liked him and we have had a great time together... but I can't dismiss my own life and wait around for a man who prioritizes his work over me. I just feel heartbroken....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you for your reply.. It's hard because I really liked him and we have had a great time together... but I can't dismiss my own life and wait around for a man who prioritizes his work over me. I just feel heartbroken....


I’m sorry. 🥺 It’s tough I know. But even with happy, healthy pilot marriages, it requires someone who is very flexible with schedules and doesn’t mind being blown off for surprise overtime. Plus he will be out of town 2-4 nights at least every week. It’s a tough deal, I couldn’t do it.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

I should also say that he has mentioned that while he sees us as being together forever .... and "when you know you just know..." He has said he is concerned about the fact that I like nice things and have a nice home... and I make good money. He said he likes to stay in very humble hotels when traveling for fun...and he is a shirt and flip flops kind of guy... 

I honestly think it's part of the reason he's blowing off my event. It's at a very wealthy client's home and I told him (when he asked) that he should wear a suit...since I'll be in a dress... 

He is cheap. Plain and simple... and he said that won't change ...and he's allowed me to pay for quite a few things already...



redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you for your reply.. It's hard because I really liked him and we have had a great time together... but I can't dismiss my own life and wait around for a man who prioritizes his work over me. I just feel heartbroken....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There are going to be plenty of nice, fun guys with whom you’ll have more in common. I know it’s tough especially if he’s saying all the right things and he’s cute. But cheap? I mean, responsible with money is one thing, frugal is one thing, but cheap? He could end up being cheap with HIS money and free with yours. Lots of red flags for so early on…


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> There are going to be plenty of nice, fun guys with whom you’ll have more in common. I know it’s tough especially if he’s saying all the right things and he’s cute. But cheap? I mean, responsible with money is one thing, frugal is one thing, but cheap? He could end up being cheap with HIS money and free with yours. Lots of red flags for so early on…


Yeah finding a good guy isn't easy and he has been all in with me.... he is very doting and attentive ..even when he's flying. So it makes me feel he cherishes me. But, yes, when I say cheap.... I don't know.. he has gotten me a cute pair of shoes (be he said he also sent them to his mother) and he mentioned that he worried about how I wouldn't want to travel internationally in coach... and how I like to stay in resorts. (I pay my own way and like to treat myself for my hard work!). I said "well I think each of us has be a bit willing to change for certain things... I will be more frugal on some trips and he can enjoy a nice resort now and again". He didn't seem receptive to that and says he just doesn't like nice resorts like that because it just feels wasteful....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I too am a fan of nice travel. I also am an old woman and I’m not staying in cheap places because I’ve worked too hard for too long for that. 😉 Sometimes you have to look at the big picture.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Was the guy who dumped you last Christmas the same guy who wanted to watch you with other men and also brought the drunk guy back to your hotel room? If so, you stayed with him far too long — against all advice — and you might be tempted to do the same this time. Don’t. I suggested at the time that you take a long break from dating. I’m suggesting it again. Find out why you end up with men who aren’t good for you.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Was the guy who dumped you last Christmas the same guy who wanted to watch you with other men and also brought the drunk guy back to your hotel room? If so, you stayed with him far too long — against all advice — and you might be tempted to do the same this time. Don’t. I suggested at the time that you take a long break from dating. I’m suggesting it again. Find out why you end up with men who aren’t good for you.


I def had bad luck with that previous boyfriend...but I have not been dating for 6 months and I have done therapy. This new person is the result of a few dates and I really ended up hitting it off with the pilot... 

But clearly I am recognizing early concerns with him too.... sigh....


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I def had bad luck with that previous boyfriend...but I have not been dating for 6 months and I have done therapy. This new person is the result of a few dates and I really ended up hitting it off with the pilot...
> 
> But clearly I am recognizing early concerns with him too.... sigh....


That’s what dating is for, to find out. About the guy and about what you’re willing to tolerate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You aren’t the priority for him that he is for you. It was only a few months after crazy guy ghosted you at Christmas that you began dating new guy. I don’t think that was long enough. Crazy guy was way out there and yet you stayed for a year and probably would have continued had he not moved on. Hopefully, new guy is nothing like that (my guess is that crazy guy really preferred guys) but I think you get too attached too soon. New guy has made it clear he’s not into compromise — or even doing what he said he would — so I don’t think he’s for you. Take a few more months off.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You aren’t the priority for him that he is for you. It was only a few months after crazy guy ghosted you at Christmas that you began dating new guy. I don’t think that was long enough. Crazy guy was way out there and yet you stayed for a year and probably would have continued had he not moved on. Hopefully, new guy is nothing like that (my guess is that crazy guy really preferred guys) but I think you get too attached too soon. New guy has made it clear he’s not into compromise — or even doing what he said he would — so I don’t think he’s for you. Take a few more months off.


It's been about 5 months off of dating...but I hear you... and I realize that there is truth in what you are saying... and Yes, I should have left my crazy ex far earlier than I did... that is true. I was attached to him... and I did have quite a lot of healing to do... 

And that's a good point -- he isn't much into compromise... even when it comes down to where to eat dinner or what he wants to WEAR to dinner (he always wants to wear shorts and flip flops and doesn't seem to be a fan of the fact that I often are on the dressier side of casual...)


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> It's been about 5 months off of dating...but I hear you... and I realize that there is truth in what you are saying... and Yes, I should have left my crazy ex far earlier than I did... that is true. I was attached to him... and I did have quite a lot of healing to do...
> 
> And that's a good point -- he isn't much into compromise... even when it comes down to where to eat dinner or what he wants to WEAR to dinner (he always wants to wear shorts and flip flops and doesn't seem to be a fan of the fact that I often are on the dressier side of casual...)


Red flag. “I don’t want to go somewhere I have to dress up” is “I only want to go to cheap places.” Red flag! You guys are barely dating and he’s trying to change you! Say no. Guys can sense when someone is vulnerable and will be easy to manipulate, it’s like blood in the water. Have you spent this time on yourself to have some guy wreck your progress? @Openminded is right. You need more time off. Boys will be there, get ok being alone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My experience has been if they don’t want to compromise when it’s new they definitely aren’t going to want to compromise when it’s not new. I dated a guy I had a lot in common with but his refusal to compromise killed it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

This guy is who he is.

You've only known him for two months for crying out loud. Just because he doesn't want to dress up (wear a suit) this now makes him cheap? 

I hate wearing a suit (did it for years) but the last thing I'd ever be called is cheap. TONS of nice places that we go to in shorts or slacks or even jeans. 

If I was dating you (or anyone) for TWO months and this was the vibe I was getting from them I'd stop dating you immediately. 

Could he have potentially done things differently? I suppose. Again only TWO months in and trying to get to know one another. If it doesn't work for you move on and find sonesome else.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

sideways said:


> This guy is who he is.
> 
> You've only known him for two months for crying out loud. Just because he doesn't want to dress up (wear a suit) this now makes him cheap?
> 
> ...


I did not say he is cheap because he doesn't wear a suit. Not at all. I said he's cheap because he had me pay for meals and mocked the fact that I like to go to nicer restaurants and told me I need to "slum it more with him"....

Why would you stop dating ME? What did I do wrong? I work hard and I like a nice dinner and I ended up paying for it...no questions asked. Why is that bad??? I think I've been more than generous....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When someone not only tells you but SHOWS you who they are, believe them.

He's not the one for you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you for your reply.. It's hard because I really liked him and we have had a great time together... but I can't dismiss my own life and wait around for a man who prioritizes his work over me. I just feel heartbroken....


I was kind of all in his side until you got to the part where he blew off your party for his party with his friends. Because if I read that right that tells you where his head is at. It's not at being coupled up and what all that entails.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I was kind of all in his side until you got to the part where he blew off your party for his party with his friends. Because if I read that right that tells you where his head is at. It's not at being coupled up and what all that entails.


But it's confusing because he SAYS he wants to be exclusive...and that he wants forever with me... and he is quite giving of his attention and time when we are together. It just doesn't all add up.... and he actually asked me last week to attend that party w him ... and I was happy to go... but now he's kind of uninvited me by saying it's really not necessary for me to go...

But he's also asking to plan a 3 day trip with me before end of the month.... so it just doesn't seem to all point to the same outcome...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Just like crazy guy did, new guy wants life entirely on his terms. If the two of you have been together less than two months, that’s a little too soon to be discussing “forever” anyway.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And what he’s not very giving with is anything to do with money. The fact that you earn more is apparently a problem for him and it’s not likely to go away.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Openminded said:


> And what he’s not very giving with is anything to do with money. The fact that you earn more is apparently a problem for him and it’s not likely to go away.
> 
> yes and if I'm honest...he showed narcissistic signs from our first trip. I was already going somewhere and when he suggested traveling...I offered for him to join me. I already had the resort ...which was 2 hours from the airport.
> 
> ...


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Why are you crying over someone you barely know? 

You might want to do some work to figure out why you get attach so soon. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I see it as concerning that he spends so much time talking about his ex and she sends him songs? Maybe he isn't over her yet. 
I get the not wanting to splash out and have very expensive meals and hotels and trips, I am like that as well. You either accept him as he is or end it.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Red flag. “I don’t want to go somewhere I have to dress up”


So this is a red flag? SMH ...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

> Pilot Boyfriend keeps leaving me and flying to other cities


When I saw that headline, I half expected it to be a humorous thread. I mean, that's what a pilot *is*. And in the long-haul pilot/cabin crew culture, I believe finding ways to save and pocket some money on hotels and food at destinations is regarded as part of the "game". 

It's concerning if he's not willing to compromise _at all_.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Red flag. “I don’t want to go somewhere I have to dress up” is “I only want to go to cheap places.” Red flag! You guys are barely dating and he’s trying to change you! Say no. Guys can sense when someone is vulnerable and will be easy to manipulate, it’s like blood in the water. Have you spent this time on yourself to have some guy wreck your progress? @Openminded is right. You need more time off. Boys will be there, get ok being alone.


I guess how you define dress up.
He wears a restrictive uniform when he's working and he'd rather dress somewhat down.
While I agree with you that he shouldn't be a slob and a hermit, only if to ensure that she doesn't stay home, there is room for compromise between what he has to wear and being presentable.
Maybe a nice casual suit and a turtle neck sweater, or something along that line.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> It's been about 5 months off of dating...but I hear you... and I realize that there is truth in what you are saying... and Yes, I should have left my crazy ex far earlier than I did... that is true. I was attached to him... and I did have quite a lot of healing to do...
> 
> And that's a good point -- he isn't much into compromise... even when it comes down to where to eat dinner or what he wants to WEAR to dinner (he always wants to wear shorts and flip flops and doesn't seem to be a fan of the fact that I often are on the dressier side of casual...)


He's a commercial pilot. Being gone is his job, it's refreshing to hear he's working hard and advancing his career. 

Steady business traveling as a pilot normally requires a high level of independence as a character trait. That will affect most aspects on one's life. Not really good or bad it just is a thing.
Unless this is ok with you, you two aren't compatible. 

I was impressed with his expression of care for you by this particularly - when you had traveled to his house, staying there and then he had a job come up - he invited you to stay at his home while he did the job. This shows some very positive things about him.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

It's only been two months. You are a tad too emotionally invested especially around him attending a work event with you. Yes, it would have been nice to have a date to the event but it's not required. I fully understand your disappointment especially because he initially said yes & then changed his mind. It is some evidence that he does not honor his commitments. Take that warning seriously. 

I was going to say let this go if it was the only issue but it's not. 

He wants what he wants & doesn't care about what you want. He picked his friend's event over your party. He chooses the dress code, the location (his house) & the price point. He won't compromise on style (dressing up) or price (resort v. slumming). He is who he is. That is not going to change because he doesn't see the need for change. 

If this is how he behaves during the "honeymoon" phase when he is supposed to be on his best behavior when he is trying to woo you, imagine how much worse it will get when things settle in & he gets comfortable. 

Don't try to change him. Don't think you have to accept this behavior & lifestyle choice that is incompatible with yours. You can & should walk away before you invest more. He's not going to change. So why stay, no matter how flowery the pretty words you want to hear are?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife used to have a commercial pilot that married into her family. Note the “used to”. Cheating louse he was!

I am glad we have a lot of people who want to fly planes and I’m happy to have them fly me around (in first or business only); but for a relationship? No way…


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> But it's confusing because he SAYS he wants to be exclusive...and that he wants forever with me... and he is quite giving of his attention and time when we are together. It just doesn't all add up.... and he actually asked me last week to attend that party w him ... and I was happy to go... but now he's kind of uninvited me by saying it's really not necessary for me to go...
> 
> But he's also asking to plan a 3 day trip with me before end of the month.... so it just doesn't seem to all point to the same outcome...


Well I think you may have to just take it at face value. So if being coupled up to him means he will still choose going to a party with his friends over honoring an agreement he made to accompany you, is that likely to ever change. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this other than he said he'd go with you and he broke his promise, but I think what you just learned is that going forward he's not planning on putting his friends on the back burner for you or anyone else. 

And of course is cheating opportunities are built in. I'm not saying he would be this devious but it's pretty easy to say you want to be exclusive when you have a plane and are out of town away from your so-called exclusive girlfriend all the time. That makes that a pretty easy promise to say and not get caught at. 

It's still early and you date to find out if someone is right for you and you need to always date long enough to find out what their ethics are in general. You need to stay long enough to find out if he is the type of ethical person who can be trusted or if he is a liar. 

You just now found out that his word does not mean much.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Two months is kind of quick to have expectations just yet, in my opinion. You’re still just getting to know each other.

That said, if you feel that you're making him a priority and he's sort of making you an option, then it could be that you're not on the same page. Dating is all about seeing who you're most compatible with, and if you're willing to make some sacrifices for that person. It sounds like you were both spending a lot of time with each other very early on. Sometimes I think that can create an illusion that you’re closer than you are, because it’s all happening so fast.

Maybe he feels it’s moving too fast and is taking a step back but he should just tell you instead of making you guess. My advice would be to take a step back yourself, and see where things lead. If it continues to be hot/cold, you probably should move on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The existing circumstances are you two are dating, getting to know each other and seeing if life's schedules for both of you could work out 

Maybe yes, maybe no, but as you decide of course...I wouldn't make too much of things at two months of intermittent getting together. Either pro or con.

Many guys and girls too would do what he did on going to the party with his long term friends. You haven't been seeing each other a whole lot continuously so far so really neither person has a lot of time committed so far.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> When I saw that headline, I half expected it to be a humorous thread. I mean, that's what a pilot *is*. And in the long-haul pilot/cabin crew culture, I believe finding ways to save and pocket some money on hotels and food at destinations is regarded as part of the "game".
> 
> It's concerning if he's not willing to compromise _at all_.


Yes, I think that's the hallmark issue -- I've expressed my feelings and how this was disappointing to me since he committed to doing something and then changed his mine and chose his work and HIS party over being with me.

The other thing I have to determine today is ....how do I handle the fact that he's essentially uninvited me to the party that he asked me to attend?

I assume he is trying to say ...oh you don't need to go because he knows that he blew off MY function... but, I actually wanted to go. And I wanted to meet his friends....I thought it would be helpful for me to meet people in his life, too.

Do I ask today "so, when will I see you again?" And then if he says he has to go to the party..... say "ok, do you still want me to attend, as well?" 

What do I reply with ...if he says "no it's not necessary...you've got a lot going on..."...


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> Two months is kind of quick to have expectations just yet, in my opinion. You’re still just getting to know each other.
> 
> That said, if you feel that you're making him a priority and he's sort of making you an option, then it could be that you're not on the same page. Dating is all about seeing who you're most compatible with, and if you're willing to make some sacrifices for that person. It sounds like you were both spending a lot of time with each other very early on. Sometimes I think that can create an illusion that you’re closer than you are, because it’s all happening so fast.
> 
> Maybe he feels it’s moving too fast and is taking a step back but he should just tell you instead of making you guess. My advice would be to take a step back yourself, and see where things lead. If it continues to be hot/cold, you probably should move on.


Thank you for your reply. I get that... and see your point. 

The other thing I have to determine today is ....how do I handle the fact that he's essentially uninvited me to the party that he asked me to attend?

I assume he is trying to say ...oh you don't need to go because he knows that he blew off MY function... but, I actually wanted to go. And I wanted to meet his friends....I thought it would be helpful for me to meet people in his life, too.

Do I ask today "so, when will I see you again?" And then if he says he has to go to the party..... say "ok, do you still want me to attend, as well?" 

What do I reply with ...if he says "no it's not necessary...you've got a lot going on..."...


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I did not say he is cheap because he doesn't wear a suit. Not at all. I said he's cheap because he had me pay for meals and mocked the fact that I like to go to nicer restaurants and told me I need to "slum it more with him"....
> 
> Why would you stop dating ME? What did I do wrong? I work hard and I like a nice dinner and I ended up paying for it...no questions asked. Why is that bad??? I think I've been more than generous....


It's not that you did anything wrong. Dating is a time to get to know one another. It's only been two months. Don't think there's a fit here. It would behoove you to see this now as opposed to investing more time into it.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you still want to go to the party with him, tell him that. Don't ask questions. Make statements.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Thank you for your reply. I get that... and see your point.
> 
> The other thing I have to determine today is ....how do I handle the fact that he's essentially uninvited me to the party that he asked me to attend?
> 
> ...


If a guy is into you, he won’t say “it’s not necessary, you have a lot going on…”

It could be that he doesn’t want you to go out of your way, but when things are going well and you’re into someone, you want to be with them. If he says that and you say “I would like to come,” and he says “okay great…” then I would go and just enjoy yourself. But if he becomes insistent, saying a second time “nah, it’s okay, you don’t have to come…” that may mean he asked someone else. Sometimes, the answer isn’t all that complicated. 😌

If he does say that, I’d take a step back and see if he reaches out. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer and I’d stop engaging. Are you connected with him on social media?


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Way too much drama for being just two months in.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> If a guy is into you, he won’t say “it’s not necessary, you have a lot going on…”
> 
> It could be that he doesn’t want you to go out of your way, but when things are going well and you’re into someone, you want to be with them. If he says that and you say “I would like to come,” and he says “okay great…” then I would go and just enjoy yourself. But if he becomes insistent, saying a second time “nah, it’s okay, you don’t have to come…” that may mean he asked someone else. Sometimes, the answer isn’t all that complicated. 😌
> 
> If he does say that, I’d take a step back and see if he reaches out. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer and I’d stop engaging. Are you connected with him on social media?



Good points. Since it's a 2 hour drive for me to attend that party with him.... I think it's possible he will worry that he's truly inconveniencing me after knowing that he upset me when he blew off my event.

Another thing that I thought was a bit odd is that he said he deleted his social media after he had several fallings out with former friends. 

I asked him what happened with the guy he said no longer speaks to him....and he said they had bet about something political and when he won and got their money from the bet -- he made a donation to planned parenthood in their name and sent them the receipt (knowing they don't agree with abortion).

When I heard that....I was seriously concerned about him possibly having a vindictive streak....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Good points. Since it's a 2 hour drive for me to attend that party with him.... I think it's possible he will worry that he's truly inconveniencing me after knowing that he upset me when he blew off my event.
> 
> Another thing that I thought was a bit odd is that he said he deleted his social media after he had several fallings out with former friends.
> 
> ...


Yea, maybe you should move on. lol I’m not convinced he doesn’t have social media, either. Sounds like you’re starting to see some red flags. Don’t ignore them.

Changing my advice now to “go to the party at your own risk.”😅


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You stayed with crazy guy for a year despite all that went on so my guess is you’ll stay with new guy as well. He at least seems to have a lot more going for him than crazy guy did but you get too invested too soon. At less than two months in, it shouldn’t be so complicated.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Is the guy based out of Kansas City and look like Shrek? He just sounds a lot like my wife’s old pilot boyfriend. 😂😂😂


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

it’s only been 2 months of semi long distance dating. That is too soon to be so hung up on this guy. He’s been a bachelor for a long time, so he knows how to reel in the women and make them feel special and cared for. But being affectionate and considerate doesn’t mean he’s in love with you. It’s just his MO. His hunger for the overtime could be from alimony he has to pay to his ex wife. 

I suspect that he’s not into you as much as you’re into him. Throw in that he’s bringing up an ex from a year ago, which is a sign that he’s not completely over her, and this adds up to you needing to watch your heart. with your history of getting attached to problematic men, I would listen to Tex, and throw this one back in the water.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> yes and if I'm honest...he showed narcissistic signs from our first trip. I was already going somewhere and when he suggested traveling...I offered for him to join me. I already had the resort ...which was 2 hours from the airport.
> 
> He booked the flight (for free being a pilot) and he showed up to the flight 30 minutes before the plane was to take off...and got yelled at by the flight attendants because he tried carrying on 2 large bags that should be checked. He was not FLYING the plane... he was just a passenger.. for free and he tried to pull rank and got publicly yelled at in front of me...
> 
> So we almost lost my first night at the resort because he was getting his hair done and colored.. up until the very last minute and we almost didn't make it. He got SO lucky ...and I would have lost my entire first night at a 550 dollar a night resort.


That isn't actually narcissism.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Move on, you don't need this in your life. After 20 years of being single he has mastered his skills and he knows as a pilot he can have women without being obligated to any of them. I personally have two pilot friends.....one married for 30 years and dedicated to his family.....another who has been married 3 times and runs through the women even though he is looking for commitment. When a man says he will do something and then he does not or he backs out, don't look back. Actions speak louder than words. This man is not available to you. He is enjoying you at his convenience and that is not right but no doubt has played the same game with many women and as long as it works for him he will play it. Respect yourself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> He booked the flight (for free being a pilot) and he showed up to the flight 30 minutes before the plane was to take off...and got yelled at by the flight attendants because he tried carrying on 2 large bags that should be checked. He was not FLYING the plane... he was just a passenger.. for free and he tried to pull rank and got publicly yelled at in front of me...
> 
> So we almost lost my first night at the resort because he was getting his hair done and colored.. up until the very last minute and we almost didn't make it. He got SO lucky ...and I would have lost my entire first night at a 550 dollar a night resort.


He's a primadonna. He's rude and inconsiderate to his coworkers. Do you think that flight attendants usually yell at pilots in public? I've never seen it. I suspect he has a bad reputation. His planning doesn't take anyone into account but himself. He doesn't care about your money, but he sure cares about his money.


redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes, I think that's the hallmark issue -- I've expressed my feelings and how this was disappointing to me since he committed to doing something and then changed his mine and chose his work and HIS party over being with me.


 I can understand his choosing people who have been his friends for some time over you, but he also blew off the engagement that he had agreed to with you - something that was important to you and he knew it.



redpandapanda2 said:


> The other thing I have to determine today is ....how do I handle the fact that he's essentially uninvited me to the party that he asked me to attend?


 Seriously? You tell him goodbye and don't look back.


redpandapanda2 said:


> I assume he is trying to say ...oh you don't need to go because he knows that he blew off MY function... but, I actually wanted to go. And I wanted to meet his friends....I thought it would be helpful for me to meet people in his life, too.
> 
> Do I ask today "so, when will I see you again?" And then if he says he has to go to the party..... say "ok, do you still want me to attend, as well?"
> 
> What do I reply with ...if he says "no it's not necessary...you've got a lot going on..."...


You barely know this man and what you do know about him is that he is a selfish person who doesn't take you into consideration. You are already feeling bad and trying to figure out what is going on when this should be an exciting time in a relationship. You feel unsure and insecure around him. Why on earth would you want to be with someone like this? He is clearly not for you.

Do not message or call him. If he calls you, tell him this isn't working out for you and you hope he has a nice life. Goodbye.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Good points. Since it's a 2 hour drive for me to attend that party with him.... I think it's possible he will worry that he's truly inconveniencing me after knowing that he upset me when he blew off my event.


You're giving him way too much credit. 



redpandapanda2 said:


> Another thing that I thought was a bit odd is that he said he deleted his social media after he had several fallings out with former friends.
> 
> I asked him what happened with the guy he said no longer speaks to him....and he said they had bet about something political and when he won and got their money from the bet -- he made a donation to planned parenthood in their name and sent them the receipt (knowing they don't agree with abortion).
> 
> When I heard that....I was seriously concerned about him possibly having a vindictive streak....


What a jerk. I'd get as far away from this man as possible. He's not only inconsiderate, but he goes out of his way to offend people who care about him. Why would you even consider him as an option?


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> He's a primadonna. He's rude and inconsiderate to his coworkers. Do you think that flight attendants usually yell at pilots in public? I've never seen it. I suspect he has a bad reputation. His planning doesn't take anyone into account but himself. He doesn't care about your money, but he sure cares about his money.
> I can understand his choosing people who have been his friends for some time over you, but he also blew off the engagement that he had agreed to with you - something that was important to you and he knew it.
> 
> Seriously? You tell him goodbye and don't look back.
> ...



This is how I've felt this morning even though I feel like it's a bit of an out of body experience because we have been so intertwined so quickly. 

I just don't feel this is a situation of "hey, I have this really big job opportunity and would it be okay if I skipped your client event. I am really sorry..." It was a .."oh sorry, I am thinking I'm going to bid for overtime that night...so, I'm not going to make it. but I'll let you know if I don't get the overtime..." 

I do feel insecure now because I don't know what he is thinking and he often feels hot and cold. Things were great and all of a sudden -- it just feels so different.... and part of it may be me...just waking up and realizing that he is not what I was really, truly believing he was....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@redpandapanda2, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm not saying that he is a narcissist, but he is exhibiting narcissist behaviors in how he is acting. Too much too soon. Sweeping you off your feet. I'll bet he's charming, isn't he? All of this was designed to draw you in as quickly as possible and get you into a state of confusion and trying to please him. You're right. He's not as he seemed. This is all a game to him and you are the prey.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

@redpandapanda2, please don't take on victimhood - and don't blame.

Accept responsibllity for the choices and decisions that you've made, and learn from them.

You really need to spend a lot of time working on yourself, or you'll keep going in circles.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> @redpandapanda2, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm not saying that he is a narcissist, but he is exhibiting narcissist behaviors in how he is acting. Too much too soon. Sweeping you off your feet. I'll bet he's charming, isn't he? All of this was designed to draw you in as quickly as possible and get you into a state of confusion and trying to please him. You're right. He's not as he seemed. This is all a game to him and you are the prey.


I don't really see anything like narcissistic love bombing or seduction with him. He hasn't really done anything over-the-top for her that I've read. 

But what he does sound like is NOT as invested as she is. And he certainly is putting himself first in his own life over her, which isn't really a terrible thing since they have only been together for 2 months...but it's something she is struggling to handle.

I agree with @Openminded and the other posters who said that she still has alot of emotional work to do before she is ready for a truly mature and caring relationship. 

@redpandapanda2, you seem to be struggling with what your needs are and finding a person who can meet them. But that's not the sole purpose of a romantic relationship. You need to get to a place that you are able to meet your own needs, and then you can add a partner who will bring joy to your life and experiences, not one who has to be a crutch for you emotionally.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> @redpandapanda2, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm not saying that he is a narcissist, but he is exhibiting narcissist behaviors in how he is acting. Too much too soon. Sweeping you off your feet. I'll bet he's charming, isn't he? All of this was designed to draw you in as quickly as possible and get you into a state of confusion and trying to please him. You're right. He's not as he seemed. This is all a game to him and you are the prey.


Yes he was def sweeping me off my feet by saying he's all in...buying me gifts...saying he just doesn't want to lose me...and wanted to take the trip with me in the first 2 weeks... looking back it is very narcissistic behavior BUT it's tough because I got caught up in everything... and it felt like a wonderful romance. Now I just feel dumb.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes he was def sweeping me off my feet by saying he's all in...buying me gifts...saying he just doesn't want to lose me...and wanted to take the trip with me in the first 2 weeks... looking back it is very narcissistic behavior BUT it's tough because I got caught up in everything... and it felt like a wonderful romance. Now I just feel dumb.


Yeah, well, I don't think you're dumb. He's smooth and knows what he's doing. You weren't prepared for it. Now you know. What are you going to do with the information?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Simple solution is obviously don't take his statement about wanting to be exclusive seriously and you just date other guys and go out with him when you can fit him in. He knows what he did.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Move on, you don't need this in your life. After 20 years of being single he has mastered his skills and he knows as a pilot he can have women without being obligated to any of them. I personally have two pilot friends.....one married for 30 years and dedicated to his family.....another who has been married 3 times and runs through the women even though he is looking for commitment. When a man says he will do something and then he does not or he backs out, don't look back. Actions speak louder than words. This man is not available to you. He is enjoying you at his convenience and that is not right but no doubt has played the same game with many women and as long as it works for him he will play it. Respect yourself.


I just spoke with him about the weekend. I said "so did you still want me to come to that party with you?" His reply was "yes, but here's the deal. I need to go to that party Saturday night and then I plan to pick up a flight on Sunday. And probably be gone until a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. And then I fly out again on Thursday morning". 

He said so if you come to (his city) for work let me know and I can try to work around that, but most likely I will be flying out next week. So up to you.

I didn't reply other than to say...Ok, let me look at my schedule. We can chat later. 

I don't know what to make of that -- other than I really wanted to say... "soooo you just are no longer into me..." that's how it feels, that is for sure....


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Simple solution is obviously don't take his statement about wanting to be exclusive seriously and you just date other guys and go out with him when you can fit him in. He knows what he did.



I just spoke with him about the weekend. I said "so did you still want me to come to that party with you?" His reply was "yes, but here's the deal. I need to go to that party Saturday night and then I plan to pick up a flight on Sunday. And probably be gone until a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. And then I fly out again on Thursday morning". 

He said so if you come to (his city) for work let me know and I can try to work around that, but most likely I will be flying out next week. So up to you.

I didn't reply other than to say...Ok, let me look at my schedule. We can chat later. 

I don't know what to make of that -- other than I really wanted to say... "soooo you just are no longer into me..." that's how it feels, that is for sure....


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I do feel insecure now because I don't know what he is thinking and he often feels hot and cold. Things were great and all of a sudden -- it just feels so different.... and part of it may be me...just waking up and realizing that he is not what I was really, truly believing he was....


It is different You are realizing his actions don't match his pretty words. He was telling you what you wanted to hear; he was sweeping you off your feet in a calculated way to get you to fall for him.

There's nothing to feel insecure about but you are correct that your place in his life is no where near solid. You come last after work, after friends, after his comfort. That's not a defect or flaw in you (other than your picker being off). It's his choice. What you need to focus on is not why aren't you enough -- because you are enough -- but why do you continue to put up with being a second class citizen in your own relationship?

What you make of his reply about the party is more of the same. He doesn't give a flying fig about whether you come or not. You're welcome but he's not going to be accomodating to make your attendance fun or easy for you. If you want to drive 2 hours to be ignored by him while he parties with people you don't know & then leaves in the morning, you are welcome to eat & drink at the party but he will not make you comfortable for your efforts.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I just spoke with him about the weekend. I said "so did you still want me to come to that party with you?" His reply was "yes, but here's the deal. I need to go to that party Saturday night and then I plan to pick up a flight on Sunday. And probably be gone until a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. And then I fly out again on Thursday morning".
> 
> He said so if you come to (his city) for work let me know and I can try to work around that, but most likely I will be flying out next week. So up to you.
> 
> ...


Just tell him another time. And go find yourself something else to do. Don't be one of these people who will wait around for crumbs. You don't have to make it a big deal. Just say oh I think I'll pass this time I'll see you when you get back. And then date other guys.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just tell him another time. And go find yourself something else to do. Don't be one of these people who will wait around for crumbs. You don't have to make it a big deal. Just say oh I think I'll pass this time I'll see you when you get back. And then date other guys.


Well, we are supposed to be "exclusive". I don't want to be dishonest. Do you think I should have more of a come to Jesus with him and say....I feel like you've changed?

He's told me in the past that his previous girlfriends had told him that he can "detach remarkably easily".

I'm feeling that now. At the time...I said "well that's not very comforting... and he replied that ...it would not happen to me. Because he felt different about me...." 

Yeah....no. doesn't seem like it.

I feel like I need to say more or question more...or force his hand or something. This just feels awkard now.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you made promises about exclusivity then you do need to tell him if you want to date others. 

I wouldn't so much have a come to Jesus moment but I would talk to him about the words / actions mismatch & how hurt you have been by always coming in 3rd. Again make statements; don't ask weak questions that indicate that he has all the power & you are just going to sit there taking in the crumbs he drops your way


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Why you guys tearing this guy down because he wants to make some extra cash. Enjoy your time together if you are looking for some fun romance, but he's a pilot. It's the nature of the beast, he will always be away. If you are looking for a guy that comes home every night, date an accountant.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Why you guys tearing this guy down because he wants to make some extra cash. Enjoy your time together if you are looking for some fun romance, but he's a pilot. It's the nature of the beast, he will always be away. If you are looking for a guy that comes home every night, date an accountant.


That's what I was thinking too. OP this obviously isn't a good fit for you.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Not said:


> That's what I was thinking too. OP this obviously isn't a good fit for you.


I think the biggest problem is he is blowing off my important event that he committed to....just to get a few hours of work when he would NEVER do that for a party that he was to attend for his friend. Which is ridiculous...imo.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Not said:


> That's what I was thinking too. OP this obviously isn't a good fit for you.


I mean I'm a guy but it must be nice dating a pilot. Being able to scamper off halfway around the world at a moments notice. But if you are looking for someone to come home every night, settle down and have babies with then you probably need to look elsewhere. You will probably always be wondering what side chick he has at every city.

If however you have no interest in settling down and aren't too clingy then pilot might work. But from what I can tell you want the pilot but not his lifestyle.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I think the biggest problem is he is blowing off my important event that he committed to....just to get a few hours of work when he would NEVER do that for a party that he was to attend for his friend. Which is ridiculous...imo.


Yea he's known his friend for years and you for a few weeks intermittently. No dude want to go to some uptight hoyty toyty party, he'd rather work and make money.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Yea he's known his friend for years and you for a few weeks intermittently. No dude want to go to some uptight hoyty toyty party, he'd rather work and make money.


Then he shouldn't have offered to go with me...and committed to it and even discussed his excitement in getting a special bottle of whiskey for the host (my client)


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I think the biggest problem is he is blowing off my important event that he committed to....just to get a few hours of work when he would NEVER do that for a party that he was to attend for his friend. Which is ridiculous...imo.


I think that you're going round and round about your disappointments in this new relationship. You should look at it from what it should be: something is not clicking in this relationship coming from him.
Pay heed to it, and re-evaluate. Him being a pilot is like a military person that gets deployed for years at the time. This relationship is too new for him to commit to the level you want it be. Probably is not even too vested in it, as you seen to be. 

It seems that you would not be a good candidate to be the partner of a man whose profession would keep away for days at the time. Remember, dating is for evaluating and finding if the person is a match. Already there's so many red flags, that I can't understand why are you still there, unless if it is for just casual dating, nothing serious.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Then he shouldn't have offered to go with me...and committed to it and even discussed his excitement in getting a special bottle of whiskey for the host (my client)


Yes, but that's besides the point. The point is that he is telling you, showing you that you're not that important, therefore he can proceeds as he wishes without a blink. Your response after all of your complains should be to tell him goodbye and good luck, rather than continuously upsetting about him not coming through for you. That's too much noise of your own making. Ditch him already.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> I think the biggest problem is he is blowing off my important event that he committed to....just to get a few hours of work when he would NEVER do that for a party that he was to attend for his friend. Which is ridiculous...imo.


Well, you aren't married, you are dating. And maybe he is seeing red flags with you too.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Then he shouldn't have offered to go with me...and committed to it and even discussed his excitement in getting a special bottle of whiskey for the host (my client)


Right. If he cared more about you, he wouldn't have done that. But maybe he's realizing that you aren't a good fit for him either.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Right. If he cared more about you, he wouldn't have done that. But maybe he's realizing that you aren't a good fit for him either.


Good point. So do I just let him call me...and let him make the next steps? Or just end it?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Good point. So do I just let him call me...and let him make the next steps? Or just end it?


Just don't do anything. There aren't any rules you have to call him, call him back, or anything.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Good point. So do I just let him call me...and let him make the next steps? Or just end it?


Why do you want to be at the expectative of his wants and desires? So far it looks like to him you're just a casual fling. If that's what you seek, then proceed anyway you wish. I'm a man, and I can tell you as a man based on what you have explained that he's not too vested in you. In other words "he's not that much into you"


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Good point. So do I just let him call me...and let him make the next steps? Or just end it?


I wouldn't make a big deal of it, if it were me. I would probably just cheerfully say I was skipping his party since he wouldn't be around much that week, and then say have a great time and call me when he wanted to see me again. And then I would WAIT to see how he responded in a few days.

He might need some space. That wouldn't threaten me. I would go live my life and do fun things with my friends and family, and I would let him show me his real feelings about me. And if he didn't seem interested in me anymore, I would feel sad (to myself), but I would say "it was great to know you!", and let him go.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Why do you want to be at the expectative of his wants and desires? So far it looks like to him you're just a casual fling. If that's what you seek, then proceed anyway you wish. I'm a man, and I can tell you as a man based on what you have explained that he's not too vested in you. In other words "he's not that much into you"


He calls me non stop...texts me non stop.... and sends me gifts and trying to talk about being together forever.... so I wouldn't exactly say he sees this (at least from what he says) as a fling..... 

But, I agree that his actions are inconsistent with his words....and I'm definitely seeing evidence of that in his behavior toward me and his selfishness...


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> *He calls me non stop...texts me non stop.... and sends me gifts and trying to talk about being together forever.... so I wouldn't exactly say he sees this (at least from what he says) as a fling.....*
> 
> But, I agree that his actions are inconsistent with his words....and I'm definitely seeing evidence of that in his behavior toward me and his selfishness...


Honestly, I'd be careful with this. If he's getting serious really fast, to me, that's a red flag. Most abusive marriages start out with "He was very attentive and started talking about marriage right away." 

You really need more time on your own. I say that because I think you're still too tender for this. This guy smells your vulnerability and is trying to lock you down. There's a LOT of yikes here.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Good point. So do I just let him call me...and let him make the next steps? Or just end it?


The honorable thing to do is say, "I don't think I'm ready for this serious relationship, I don't think we should see each other any more. I'll keep your number and if you're still around when I feel like I'm ready I'll reach out." Then delete his number. 😉 🤪


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> He calls me non stop...texts me non stop.... and sends me gifts and trying to talk about being together forever.... so I wouldn't exactly say he sees this (at least from what he says) as a fling.....


In other words, he's making sure that you think that he's very vested in you. Sleek. But, his actions are showing you otherwise. ACTIONS, actions speak lauder than words.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> He calls me non stop...texts me non stop.... and sends me gifts and trying to talk about being together forever.... so I wouldn't exactly say he sees this (at least from what he says) as a fling.....
> 
> But, I agree that his actions are inconsistent with his words....and I'm definitely seeing evidence of that in his behavior toward me and his selfishness...


What he SAYS isn't as important as what he DOES. His actions will show you where his heart truly is.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The pilot thing just reminds me of those romantic flicks where the dude is running/driving as fast as he can towards the airport to stop the girl from getting in that plane and leave. In your story, I see you running as fast as you can towards that plane to get onboard with him, but him as a pilot used to speed is diverting that plane slowly but surely, so that you don't get on it, and he's waving and smiling to you from the pilot's seat as he slowly directs his plane away from the terminal.

Now seriously, for all we know, he's just too busy and preoccupied with money for things that you have not knowledge. But, nonetheless Actions speaks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you want someone who’s willing to compromise, it’s not this guy. He’s been divorced for a very long time and he’s used to running things his way. When I said I thought you should take a long break after the sociopath ghosted you after a year of problems, I meant like a year of figuring yourself out. That was in December and now, six months later, you’ve been with this guy for almost two months. Not much time in between to be on your own. You need that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He sounds impulsive. He’s been a bachelor for so long that he’s used to be able to come and go on a whim. That impulsiveness carries over to how he interacts with you. He’s used to flying by the seat of his pants, so on days that he can’t get you out of his head, he’s chasing after you like teen in puppy love but then he’s off to something else. I just hope that something else isn’t another woman.

With him being away so often, you have to be cautious about giving your heart completely until you know he’s in. Just because he’s telling you he wants to be exclusive, doesn’t mean he isn’t possibly still pursuing other women. We men are very possessive of our women. Wanting to lock down your p, doesn’t mean he’s locking his d.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Yes he was def sweeping me off my feet by saying he's all in...buying me gifts...saying he just doesn't want to lose me...and wanted to take the trip with me in the first 2 weeks... looking back it is very narcissistic behavior BUT it's tough because I got caught up in everything... and it felt like a wonderful romance. Now I just feel dumb.


How is this narcissistic?

It's not.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I'd like to point out that even though some of my posts are implying that he's not a great person, in truth, we don't know that about this guy. What we DO know is that he's not right for the OP. The OP is already dissatisfied with the relationship and it's brand new. She's seeing red flags and they're only dating. She needs more time to figure out for sure what she wants and be confident enough to ask for that. This guy is just doing his thing and being himself. He's not trying to hurt her, she's throwing off vibes that she can be easily led. Some men like that whole "submissive" thing where only the guy matters. She needs to be brutally honest with herself and tactfully honest with HIM that this isn't working for her.


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## redpandapanda2 (Feb 23, 2021)

Livvie said:


> How is this narcissistic?
> 
> It's not.


Narcissists are known for love bombing....and swooping in and rushing into the relationship and making me feel like we are committed ASAP. 

And in hindsight....everything has been about him and how HE feels and what HE wants to do.... but the gift giving and the excessive contact and connection is often an early sign of narcissism. I make him look good.... and he loves the attention.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

redpandapanda2 said:


> but the gift giving and the excessive contact and connection is often an early sign of narcissism.


Not really. Nonetheless, neither you, nor anyone here has the capability to give such a clinical diagnostic to "frame" him as a narcissist. He may be playing you, but that's as close a diagnosis that can be made... so far.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

*redpandapanda2 *

He has love bombed you & you fell for it. Now you are starting to take a harder look at his actions & you don't like what you see. 

You asked what to do next. That is up to you. I'd call & tell him this wasn't working for me & be done with this. That doesn't seem to be your style. Instead I fear you will continue to let him lead & not speak up about your wants & needs. Your resentment will manifest in other non-verbal ways & eventually he will break up with you. 

Stop being so passive & take control of your relationship by ending things that are not working for you. 

He may be a good guy but that doesn't mean he's a good guy for you. Others are right. Having a casual fling with a fun loving guy when it's convenient for you might be fun but that is not what you want and more importantly not what he said this is, even though that is how he is acting. When somebody's words & actions do not match, it's better to believe the one you don't want; here the actions.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Narcissists are known for love bombing....and swooping in and rushing into the relationship and making me feel like we are committed ASAP.
> 
> And in hindsight....everything has been about him and how HE feels and what HE wants to do.... but the gift giving and the excessive contact and connection is often an early sign of narcissism. I make him look good.... and he loves the attention.


That you are getting this vibe from him is a good reason to stop seeing him. Either your instincts are right and it will be a disaster, or you're completely misreading him because your mind is trying to tell you you're not ready for a relationship. I can't tell you which it is, but either is a good reason to walk away, at least for now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

redpandapanda2 said:


> He calls me non stop...texts me non stop.... and sends me gifts and trying to talk about being together forever...


And ^^this^^ doesn't make you nervous? Hell, if some guy came on so strong so quickly, I'd be running for the door!

Regardless of his motivation(s), he sounds like an insecure or flighty guy who just wants to fall in love with the idea of love. Either way, it sounds like you've hooked up with another flake.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

He's a pilot. Their schedules are highly variable, and change on a dime. If that doesn't work for you, then you are wasting time. At this point his job is a higher priority than you are to him, as it should be this early in a relationship. He's 47, he is not changing his ways anytime soon.

Just find someone else more compatible with you.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Jeez, I read this thread and thank God I'm not dating.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> Jeez, I read this thread and thank God I'm not dating.


Yea I know, apparently every man alive is a narcissist. Especially the ones that buy gifts for their gf...


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

redpandapanda2 said:


> Narcissists are known for love bombing....and swooping in and rushing into the relationship and making me feel like we are committed ASAP.
> 
> And in hindsight....everything has been about him and how HE feels and what HE wants to do.... but the gift giving and the excessive contact and connection is often an early sign of narcissism. I make him look good.... and he loves the attention.


If it isn't working out for you, move on. Please. You sound a little too fancy for him anyway.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gotta go!


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