# Avoiding it...



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I just noticed that wspouses post here too... So I may I have more questions. Is tge avoiding discussing and the small truths about minimizing embarassment and guilt? In trying to expand my understanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Joey: 

Don't forget the snakes from the dark side like me.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Joey:
> 
> Don't forget the snakes from the dark side like me.


How did u feel when u were confronted by the h... I've always wondered that... The OM never responded to my fiery facebook msg. I hope you dont mind my asking. Pardon my shorthand... Mobile today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

I conjur that her feelings might be icky when I talk about the affair. Is it recommended at some time i need to stop talking about the past?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

FrusteratedJoey said:


> How did u feel when u were confronted by the h... I've always wondered that... The OM never responded to my fiery facebook msg. I hope you dont mind my asking. Pardon my shorthand... Mobile today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Joey:

I felt like a wrecking ball hit my head, while a bayonet was thrust into my chest, and a ferret let loose on my package.

On the one hand, the true damage of my actions with WW came home in an instant. The idea that I had broken a family, destroyed the H, forever changed the course of history for 3 children and jeopardized an entire family's happiness stopped me cold. 

At the time, I had no idea the true extent of the damage (and it sickens me more each day that I read posts here). Every belief that I ever held about myself, love, relationships, marriage, decency, self respect, self awareness, intelligence, family etc., every single one instantly became a question. For the first week I questioned my every thought, called myself a useless piece of sh1t every second, and began to hate myself.

On the other hand, I had lost all of my hopes, my love, my friend, my future etc. (remember BSs I'm in a fog - don't stone me). My AP had dumped me for H (how dare she), she lied to me (how could she), she broke her promises to me (the b1tch), she ... wait for it ... betrayed me!! My feelings of loss and anger deepened with each minute - I missed her like hell, but I hated her!

My reaction was complete self destruction. 

From dday 12/21/12, until 02/01/13
Everyday: 3 x 200mg Provogil (anti narcoleptic - approximately 3 times the normal dose); two pots of strong coffee; smoked 120 cigarettes. Slept for 2 hours every 65 hours - on the floor or couch; ate 1 slice of bread with mayonnaise; lost 30 lbs; showered once every 3 days. This from an extremely fit, health conscious, former athlete.

Started counseling in mid Jan (diagnosed as being "in crisis"); had counseling sessions 2 hours everyday for a week; cried spontaneously; lost ability to make simplest of decisions - like how to get to the shower, how to make a cup of coffee.

I ferociously researched extramarital affairs, the effects on H, kids, family future etc. I researched this site, and just about every site on the internet to learn about "affairs" etc. This site was no help at all ... no solace to be found here. Determined that I was just a POS!!

I read and reread how I was just "any guy" who happened across the WW at right time. I didn't matter. Not one article took into account what I was going through, or how I was feeling - I literally felt shunned from society, family (no way was going to fess up to them), friends (would have thought I was a pr1ck and lost respect for me).

I read loads about reconciliation and my all time favorite: hyper bonding! Holy cow! I played all the movies in my head of BH and WW doing it all, all the time, in every position and every conceivable way! I killed myself with those images. I would take another Provigil to ensure that I would not sleep - so that I wouldn't dream of her, of them, of him, of the kids.

I've come a long way, but in many ways I'm still there ... but I'll save that for when I post my story ... coming soon.

So yeah ... being the OM is a blast. Never going near it again.

For the BSs who are reading this and getting really angry at me, I've written this to answer a question, and in no way do I mean to trigger you. I do realize the idiocy of what I did - I really do.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

WS's don't like to get into detail about their A because most of it can be pretty repulsive for the BS and the WS to have to hear out loud. It's embarrassing, shameful and becomes WAY too real for both partners.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> WS's don't like to get into detail about their A because most of it can be pretty repulsive for the BS and the WS to have to hear out loud. It's embarrassing, shameful and becomes WAY too real for both partners.


This. 

Reality and fantasy don't mix. Once exposure takes place, fantasy over. When events are being recalled without the softening, romantic effect of "the fog", it suddenly isn't so wonderful anymore. It's people hurting other people. It's lies, betrayal, destruction. 

No one likes ugly, and that is exactly what affairs are!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PastOM said:


> I researched this site, and just about every site on the internet to learn about "affairs" etc. This site was no help at all ... no solace to be found here. Determined that I was just a POS!!
> 
> I read and reread how I was just "any guy" who happened across the WW at right time. I didn't matter. Not one article took into account what I was going through, or how I was feeling - I literally felt shunned form society, family (no way was going to fess up to them), friends (would have thought I was a pr1ck and lost respect for me).


<threadjack>

Who has been saying you're a POS? By the sounds of you, you didn't even know that the WW was married. You are more or less a victim in the mess she got you in


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> <threadjack>
> 
> Who has been saying you're a POS? By the sounds of you, you didn't even know that the WW was married. You are more or less a victim in the mess she got you in


I so wish that I could say yes that's right. But no, ashamedly, I knew that she was married with kids. The only difference was that I was told a very fantastical story about her life, marriage etc. I fell for it all - hook line and sinker. But it was all me. In hindsight, had I been the man I thought I was at the time, or even half of the man I pretended to be, I would have said: "great, leave H, get a D and let's do all of that!"

The POS is really the interpretation of the anger from BSs on this and other sites. As an aside, it took a couple of days to figure out all the acronyms ... as I did, my heart sunk.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Hi Joey:
> 
> I felt like a wrecking ball hit my head, while a bayonet was thrust into my chest, and a ferret let loose on my package.
> 
> ...


I'm not angry with you. I wish every OM/OW were more like you, although I also wish we all lived in a world where life-shattering devastation could be taken back instead of endured. Thankful that at least one person is left who will actually take responsibility for their PART in what happened. My WHs POSOW continued to pursue him and even tried texting him she was suicidal to try to get him to answer her calls and texts, and when he wouldn't, she sent "What? No time to respond to me even now? Call me when you grow a pair and get a backbone"


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PastOM said:


> I so wish that I could say yes that's right. But no, ashamedly, I knew that she was married with kids. The only difference was that I was told a very fantastical story about her life, marriage etc. I fell for it all - hook line and sinker. But it was all me. In hindsight, had I been the man I thought I was at the time, or even half of the man I pretended to be, I would have said: "great, leave H, get a D and let's do all of that!"
> 
> The POS is really the interpretation of the anger from BSs on this and other sites. As an aside, it took a couple of days to figure out all the acronyms ... as I did, my heart sunk.


Well, some people on here use OM's like you to vent to and take their anger out on. Try not to take it personally : / It's just easier to pick on you rather than the OM's that they have to deal with. 

My H did this to a lot of OW's. I've seen emails where he tells them he's separated, I'm his baggage, he loves his kids but not me, blah blah blah. And the OW's believed him. The only OW's I have a major beef with are the ones that know that he loves me and doesn't want to leave me, but they continue to try and lure him out of our M. I hate that.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Thank you for the candid reply. I really needed to know that om are human... And I think knowing that will aid my walk to forgiveness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> Thankful that at least one person is left who will actually take responsibility for their PART in what happened.


Thanks. I'm taking responsibility for me, and my part in the affair. I, me ... the person I am, my core, is not the person who would try to "steal" another man's wife. The affair circumstances dictated that at the end of it all, the result was just that. I crashed because I came to the realization that I was just another AP that had caused pain. In short, I was not special, the opposite - I turned out to be exactly the same.

If I was the person I thought I was, then it could never have happened, and I would not have devastated a family, even unknowingly. Instead, I "fell in love" and became gullible, susceptible to influences of a base nature, and ultimately a participant in this torrid situation. Completely unacceptable for me.

I don't understand xOM/xOWs wanting the xWS. The shame and betrayal that I felt was so deep, so painful, that I couldn't, wouldn't want to, talk with the xAP.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Thanks. I'm taking responsibility for me, and my part in the affair. I, me ... the person I am, my core, is not the person who would try to "steal" another man's wife. The affair circumstances dictated that at the end of it all, the result was just that. I crashed because I came to the realization that I was just another AP that had caused pain. In short, I was not special, the opposite - I turned out to be exactly the same.
> 
> If I was the person I thought I was, then it could never have happened, and I would not have devastated a family, even unknowingly. Instead, I "fell in love" and became gullible, susceptible to influences of a base nature, and ultimately a participant in this torrid situation. Completely unacceptable for me.
> 
> I don't understand xOM/xOWs wanting the xWS. The shame and betrayal that I felt was so deep, so painful, that I couldn't, wouldn't want to, talk with the xAP.


So she dropped you cold turkey? No contact whatsoever?


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> Well, some people on here use OM's like you to vent to and take their anger out on. Try not to take it personally : / It's just easier to pick on you rather than the OM's that they have to deal with.


Some posters can get pretty harsh. Nonetheless, posting and getting feedback is really helping me, and I like being able to give the perspective from the other side.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> So she dropped you cold turkey? No contact whatsoever?


Cold turkey and hot potato. Voicemail dday +1, 12/22/12 "I'm sorry, I'm so confused, I've hurt my H and my kids," while I was in plane on tarmac. I puked (very nice). In Jan ~ 12, heard her voice on conf call, but did not interact her (but nearly puked). Since left job, so no more of that.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Cold turkey and hot potato. Voicemail dday +1, 12/22/12 "I'm sorry, I'm so confused, I've hurt my H and my kids," while I was in plane on tarmac. I puked (very nice). In Jan ~ 12, heard her voice on conf call, but did not interact her (but nearly puked). Since left job, so no more of that.


You're a rarity..

I was told by one OW that she was so sorry, and she couldn't believe how she could be lured in by my H, and then right after she told me that, she sent my H a nude photo of herself. Ha! Wow..oh the memories


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Cold turkey and hot potato. Voicemail dday +1, 12/22/12 "I'm sorry, I'm so confused, I've hurt my H and my kids," while I was in plane on tarmac. I puked (very nice). In Jan ~ 12, heard her voice on conf call, but did not interact her (but nearly puked). Since left job, so no more of that.


Honestly, when you're single and a woman is giving you the vibe, most men would go for it. When I was in my early twenties I had an affair with a much older woman who was married. It was short lived but even then I knew it would amount to nothing more than a few sweaty sessions in the sack. You probably won't get involved with a married woman again but if you catch yourself heading down that route, understand that its never going to be anything more. Affair partners generally aren't good life partners.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> You're a rarity..
> 
> I was told by one OW that she was so sorry, and she couldn't believe how she could be lured in by my H, and then right after she told me that, she sent my H a nude photo of herself. Ha! Wow..oh the memories


Mine involves a photo of sorts too though. To this day I picture a photo of BH, WW, and kids. I see it clear as day in my head, then ask my self the question: "who the f*ck are you to try and scratch out H's face and replace it with yours?"

That is the pervasive thought in my head. I literally cannot believe it! You see, during the affair, that's what we talked about. Living together, raising her children (with H around) blah, blah, blah ... really makes me sick. My counselor, Lynda (who is amazing), really helps me understand my own perspectives on family and so forth. You could describe me as educated, successful, mid 40s, but only invested in career, and not invested in creating my own family. It may have been a ready made package in the back of my mind. When that came to the front of my mind, it made me feel absolutely awful.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

PastOM: That is the most heartfelt apologetic confession that I have ever read from any OM on this or any other forum. My hat is off to you sir, for your absolute candor. It is refreshing to hear the truthful version of what being an OM is like along with its apparent shortcomings!

Not having ever been an OM, I certainly do not blame the OMen in my STBXW's affairs. Sadly enough, she's the one who brought them into the equation, rather than vice-versa!

I, for one, greatly anticipate reading your thread. I feel that there will be much to learn from it!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PastOM said:


> Mine involves a photo of sorts too though. To this day I picture a photo of BH, WW, and kids. I see it clear as day in my head, then ask my self the question: "who the f*ck are you to try and scratch out H's face and replace it with yours?"
> 
> That is the pervasive thought in my head. I literally cannot believe it! You see, during the affair, that's what we talked about. Living together, raising her children (with H around) blah, blah, blah ... really makes me sick. My counselor, Lynda (who is amazing), really helps me understand my own perspectives on family and so forth. You could describe me as educated, successful, mid 40s, but only invested in career, and not invested in creating my own family. It may have been a ready made package in the back of my mind. When that came to the front of my mind, it made me feel absolutely awful.


She must have really got you on board! I'm sorry you had to go through all of this..you can't keep beating yourself up for it though. Lesson learned right?

If I was single I wouldn't trust a married person or "separated" person as far as I could throw them. That's just because I know first and second hand what truths are involved, and it's a waste of time. I would have done the same as you years back though I'm sure. Sometimes it takes bad experiences to help us learn sadly.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> She must have really got you on board! I'm sorry you had to go through all of this..you can't keep beating yourself up for it though. Lesson learned right?


Certainly getting better and becoming more aware. Participating in these threads has been an enormous help.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

PastOM said:


> Certainly getting better and becoming more aware. Participating in these threads has been an enormous help.


Thank you for posting your story pastOM. Your posts and signature make more sense now. 

Your words seem heartfelt and thoughtful and you have a most interesting slant on infidelity. I can only imagine what it feels like to read the posts here from the WS and BS.

Your a brave man/glutton for punishment  

Not sure which yet!


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

PastOM said:


> Cold turkey and hot potato. Voicemail dday +1, 12/22/12 "I'm sorry, I'm so confused, I've hurt my H and my kids," while I was in plane on tarmac. I puked (very nice). In Jan ~ 12, heard her voice on conf call, but did not interact her (but nearly puked). Since left job, so no more of that.


Interesting.

My stbxh's OWs did the same - immediate NC. I've probably had more contact with them since DDay than he has (well, I'm assuming it's not gone underground). In fact, that's one of the things he talks about when he is in remorse mode - "How could I throw my life away for something that meant nothing and for women who don't even care to see how I'm doing?". Which then makes me wonder if he WANTS them to come chasing him, which he probably does. He still works with one of them (apparently her dept. is in a different building now) and the other works for the same company, different city, different state. But, he's home when he's supposed to be, cries every day, makes his apologies, hasn't changed his passwords and let's me see his phone when I demand (although he still is in the very annoying habit of keeping it on his person AT ALL TIMES (really? I throw my phone down when I get in the door and half the time have to call it on the landline to find it! Then again I'm not conducting multiple affairs so....)

Ohhh, when will they invent a time machine! I need to go back to 1999...


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> She must have really got you on board! I'm sorry you had to go through all of this..you can't keep beating yourself up for it though. Lesson learned right?
> 
> *If I was single I wouldn't trust a married person or "separated" person as far as I could throw them.* That's just because I know first and second hand what truths are involved, and it's a waste of time. I would have done the same as you years back though I'm sure. Sometimes it takes bad experiences to help us learn sadly.


In my case, it didn't bother the OW's at all. They knew my stbxh was married. In fact, the second one would ask if it bothered him when I would call and interrupt their sex calls (he has a long commute which he spent on the phone with her AM and PM). Apparently, I was off limits. According to my stbxh, he told her "My personal life is off limits and if what we're doing bothers you, then we need to stop". Needless to say, she was not bothered by it at all. Then again after your own two failed marriages, I can see how you would have no respect for someone elses.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> In my case, it didn't bother the OW's at all. They knew my stbxh was married. In fact, the second one would ask if it bothered him when I would call and interrupt their sex calls (he has a long commute which he spent on the phone with her AM and PM). Apparently, I was off limits. According to my stbxh, he told her "My personal life is off limits and if what we're doing bothers you, then we need to stop". Needless to say, she was not bothered by it at all. Then again after your own two failed marriages, I can see how you would have no respect for someone elses.


Yeah I've had these very same problems with my H in the past. A few women here and there were completely ok knowing that I was his W still. They just thought that he might possibly leave me for them I think. Phhhh...yeah right!  Do these women ever learn? My H even showed off to one of his OW's a "naughty video" of me that I made for him to show her what I looked like  She got mad I guess and all insecure :rofl: Women like this have serious issues


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

I WISH he would just go on and leave me. I cannot stand this bullcrap remorse act. Oh yes, you cry now, you are tender to me now. You treat me like I'm made of the finest and most delicate porcelain NOW... yeah, NOW after you've had your fun with your *****s. 
I can't stand the sad, puppy dog crying the most. I think he thinks that I believe him, but I don't. He's STILL in denial about things going full PA (which is because he knows I have no proof and the OWs I know of either deny or aren't talking).
I don't understand. Go have what you want dude! And if treating me like a fool while you were carrying on with these *****s is what you want, well, THAT isn't on the menu. Sorry, buffet closed.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> I WISH he would just go on and leave me. I cannot stand this bullcrap remorse act. Oh yes, you cry now, you are tender to me now. You treat me like I'm made of the finest and most delicate porcelain NOW... yeah, NOW after you've had your fun with your *****s.
> I can't stand the sad, puppy dog crying the most. I think he thinks that I believe him, but I don't. He's STILL in denial about things going full PA (which is because he knows I have no proof and the OWs I know of either deny or aren't talking).
> I don't understand. Go have what you want dude! And if treating me like a fool while you were carrying on with these *****s is what you want, well, THAT isn't on the menu. Sorry, buffet closed.


Cake eaters are the worst 

I say, let them have a crappy life with woman after woman. One day it'll hit them either after getting a serious STI or getting someone pregnant that they didn't want to. Even then it probably wouldn't stop them is the funny part.


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