# Separated...I miss him and he has moved on with new Girlfriend



## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Good Morning, I hope I can find some words of encouragement as I feel like I am dying. My husband and I had problems in our relation ship and about a year ago i started to tell him that we needed to do something about it... I Felt pretty much done with the whole thing and he kept asking to work things out in which he didn't follow thru. I signed up for marriage 911 and then he would not attend, instead he would take a trip to ski ... so I was done... I asked him to move out to see if from a different perspective we could work on thing out and everything went to the wrong path... he found a girlfriend about two months ago and then he said NO MORE... I begged him and said I was sorry but it was too late. We have 2 small children and I am broken heart wanting him back. I can;t, work or even take care of my kids the way i should. I am in disbelief how an he be so happy while I am in soo much pain. He said that she makes him happy and I deserve to be happy as well. I cry all the time and I have decide to keep away from him so I don't need to find out more information. This is such an excruciating pain that I pray to God to take me with the kids.... (I know is not right and feel tremendously ashamed for that)....


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

sometimes life deals us terrible tragedies that seem unbearable.

iv'e been through a couple of them myself.

there seems no hope or light. all we see is a dark road ahead of us.

all we can do is wake up and bear it as best we can and wait for that day it gets better.
and eventually it does. one day at a time. one foot in front of the other.
get out of bed, do your chores.
no easy answers

i thought things would never get better. i thought i was at the end. i was wrong.
it will get better.

join a local support group. that is the best option. a bereavement group or similar.
i did that and it helped a lot. got me through the worst of it.
do it today.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Jorgegene, Thank you so much... I can't hardly breath. I been doing the separation/ Divorce group church and everything and i feel stuck with this feelings. I keep wondering will he ever comeback and say I am sorry? Will he realized what he lost? or his life is sooo perfect that we are just a burden in the back of his mind... I never imagine feeling so low and sad.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

cathy1978 said:


> Jorgegene, Thank you so much... I can't hardly breath. I been doing the separation/ Divorce group church and everything and i feel stuck with this feelings. I keep wondering will he ever comeback and say I am sorry? Will he realized what he lost? or his life is sooo perfect that we are just a burden in the back of his mind... I never imagine feeling so low and sad.



Aren't you the one who asked him to leave? Why on earth would he come back to that situation which you already said was bad?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Cathy, hold on to one thing. Let that be your life line. Your kids. Find your strength and the will to be a great mum to your children. Look at them for inspiration. 

Continue to focus away from being inside of yourself too much. Go to your group, hang in there. Take things day by day. One day you will wake up and the burden will be lifted.

Try not to think on what he is doing. Or what he is thinking. This is the time to focus on you and trying to step forward. 

Keep posting. You will get support. Take care. Ann


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well, you are in the right place then. Cling to God and he will deliver you.
maybe not in the way you want, but he will.

That sounds like a cliche, but it's the truth.

as to whether your husband will come back or not, it's not in your control. he might, he might not.

if your support group isn't helping that much, maybe consider another. or consider another anyway.
nothing saying you can't belong to more than one. maybe consider individual counciling, and by all means, rely also on close friends and family.
cry on somebodies shoulder.

all i can tell you is, in my darkest days, there was absolutely NO reason for me to think things would get better.
there was NO reason for hope. all i could see was a dark road ahead of me for the rest of my life.
never in my wildest dream did i know what God had planned for me.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Workingonme, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY right! I never imagine this kind of pain... It is more than I can handle. Besides I was hoping that we were going to work on things ... instead he found someone else. I am missing the interaction that we had with our kids, he was not the most responsible and loving man... I was always the one pushing him to the next level. So now I am regretting every word I said to him... I guess I could have accepted him the same way this new girl is accepting him. It is so painful to see him doing things he never did with me, happy and cheering his new life.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

cathy1978 said:


> Workingonme, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY right! I never imagine this kind of pain... It is more than I can handle. Besides I was hoping that we were going to work on things ... instead he found someone else. I am missing the interaction that we had with our kids, he was not the most responsible and loving man... I was always the one pushing him to the next level. So now I am regretting every word I said to him... I guess I could have accepted him the same way this new girl is accepting him. It is so painful to see him doing things he never did with me, happy and cheering his new life.



I think you learned something. That was the solution the whole time, to stop pushing and accept him, love him for who he is. 

Also you missing the interaction with him and the kids is telling. It's not him you miss. It's not the intimacy. It's just the family atmosphere. That simply won't be enough to draw him back.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

cathy1978 said:


> Workingonme, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY right! I never imagine this kind of pain... It is more than I can handle. Besides I was hoping that we were going to work on things ... instead he found someone else. I am missing the interaction that we had with our kids, he was not the most responsible and loving man... I was always the one pushing him to the next level. So now I am regretting every word I said to him... I guess I could have accepted him the same way this new girl is accepting him. It is so painful to see him doing things he never did with me, happy and cheering his new life.


Okay firstly I feel your pain, I know it and have been, still am there with it. I also want to point out a couple of things that you have said, purely from an outsiders point of view for you to consider.

Quoting from you "he was not the most responsible and loving man" - is that someone you really want to spend the rest of your life with, or if you are honest with yourself, would you want more, and that's not a consideration of a particular person, him or anyone else, but would you want more, I suspect that would be yes, in which case that is something you need to take away and consider, he didn't/wasn't giving it and quite possibly never would, and that does not fit your want in life.

"I was the one pushing him to the next level" - is that what you really want for the rest of your life, someone you have to push in order to be where you and your relationship wants to be, or someone that will grow with you, develop to the next stage with you, together.

Finally who is to say she is accepting him for the way he is, and certainly that can not be said for that to continue to be accepted if it is currently.

That is probably not the most comforting thing to be said or take away, but I just wanted to express some though over the things you have said to give you some room for thought and try and give a perspective for you to think over for yourself.

It does feel low, very low at times, of that there is neither pretence or getting away from instantly, but it does, and it does ease. Concentrate on you and your kids, they need you every bit now as they ever have, embrace them and run with it together with them. Other things will gradually ease and fall into place and there is a brighter light at the other end, battle on and you will see it I am sure.

Take care.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I am truly sorry for your pain Cathy. 

Can you explain what problems were that made you decide you needed counseling?

If he didn't follow through with repairing those problems before you separated it is because he was already emotionally detached from you. 

Your gutt was right on when you seaked help. He chose to not open up and be honest with you about him being unemotionally invested in your marriage and that is why he seeked other woman.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You have to get a hold of yourself and figure out where you stand legally. He is gone...either forever or at least until his affair runs its course. And really, do you want him back if you become his second choice?

I know it is harsh, but I find it hard to imagine wanting to be with someone who wants to be with someone else. 
Yes, you took a risk in asking him to leave but I am sure you had good reasons. But if he truly wanted the marriage to work, he would not be in another relationship already. Sounds like he was only too happy to leave.

Protect yourself legally and finamcially and take care of your kids. Find strength from support groups and friends. It won't be easy but there is little else you can do. The past is past. Whether or not you ever reconcile is unknown at this point and would require a lot of work, which frankly, may not be something he is willing to do.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Thank you all so much. I know that I was the one pulling our marriage together while he was just sitting looking the time go by... our problems were mainly his lack of communication, lack of commitment and the unwilling to work on any shore/task that was given to him. All his family is on my side and they tell me " I deserve better" ...

I wanted a family while he wanted just time to be in his computer and not bother ... we didn't have many arguments because I gave up picking small battles and I ended up doing everything. 

The loss that I have is the family. .. my kids miss their dad at night time and it breaks my heart to see how callous he is....

About a month ago he asked me to stay over with him... apparently he said he missed me so much and what he had was so special. .. I mentioned to him that I could get Pregnant. .. and he said "if it's meant to be then it will be" I was hesitant but I did it... two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and he said ... oh! I am really happy with my new girl and I think we both deserve to be happy... so let's have the baby but not together. .. I was in totally shocked. .. this is my husband the man that I have been for more than 10 years... 

I am now facing a pregnancy alone... while he is having the time of his life with his new girlfriend. ...

I DO Appreciate ALL YOUR support!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You are in middle of the death of your marriage. It has been on life support and even though you knew it was coming soon, it still hits devastatingly hard. There were good reasons why your marriage died, accept them and do not what if yourself to death. You did right by him, by yourself, by your children and your marriage. You conducted yourself as an honorable adult. He failed all across the board. 

Recognize the person with the LEAST emotional commitment is in the driver seat in terms of looking out for their own self interest at the expense of their spouse and family. In terms of an equable settlement it is two against one. You have drawn the short straw. Now is the time to lean on family, friends as well as area support groups, a good attorney, and this board. It is time to move on. Let people help you. 

The thing i found must interesting at my first support group meetting, there were no cheaters there. Hmmm I wonder why? Care to post a guest why Cathy1978?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cathy1978, now you feel at your lowest and you think the pain will never go away, your emotions are all over the place. However, what you have said so far about our WH is that he never really committed to the marriage, you did most of the heavy lifting, he wanted to work things out but then wouldn't do anything, he wouldn't go to MC with you, what more evidence do you need of a man who just was too selfish or immature to really be a H to you and a father to your children. Remember the saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

You must continue with your support group but should also consider IC to deal with the emotional turmoil. You need to be strong for your children right now
I do not know whether you want this man back in your life (only you can decide this) but you have to do the 180 and go no contact with him at all, let him think you are moving on with your life, it will get easier with time, as you have to emotional detach. What he is doing is wrong, you asked him to leave but you are still married which means your vows are still in place. He either does not care (then you dont need him in your life) or he is trying to ensure he breaks you down (he is succeeding) so the status quo remains (not something you want for the rest of your life). 
Get a lawyer and see what your rights are with regard to property, child maintenance etc and file for divorce. This man is neither a good H or a good father.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

JohnA said:


> You are in middle of the death of your marriage. It has been on life support and even though you knew it was coming soon, it still hits devastatingly hard. There were good reasons why your marriage died, accept them and do not what if yourself to death. You did right by him, by yourself, by your children and your marriage. You conducted yourself as an honorable adult. He failed all across the board.
> 
> Recognize the person with the LEAST emotional commitment is in the driver seat in terms of looking out for their own self interest at the expense of their spouse and family. In terms of an equable settlement it is two against one. You have drawn the short straw. Now is the time to lean on family, friends as well as area support groups, a good attorney, and this board. It is time to move on. Let people help you.
> 
> The thing i found must interesting at my first support group meetting, there were no cheaters there. Hmmm I wonder why? Care to post a guest why Cathy1978?


John, Why did he cheat? Well Hetold me he couldn't be alone and he said that "he found this girl without looking for her... yeah right... " She is 17 years younger than him and has two small children... my husband and I have 2 children and he has 2 more from other different moms... :crying:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it's funny (not really, but in a certain way), how we want to always see the best in our partners and deny their darker side.
actually, it's not so much their darker side, it's just who they are. we just have trouble accepting it, because i think they lead us to believe at times that 
they are a certain way, but they aren't. we want to believe they are, and we hang on till the bitter end.
it's the selves that they presented to us that we fell in love with.

i said goodbye to my ex's with tears. tears for the good times and the bad times. finally realizing they needed to be free.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

aine said:


> Cathy1978, now you feel at your lowest and you think the pain will never go away, your emotions are all over the place. However, what you have said so far about our WH is that he never really committed to the marriage, you did most of the heavy lifting, he wanted to work things out but then wouldn't do anything, he wouldn't go to MC with you, what more evidence do you need of a man who just was too selfish or immature to really be a H to you and a father to your children. Remember the saying, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
> 
> You must continue with your support group but should also consider IC to deal with the emotional turmoil. You need to be strong for your children right now
> I do not know whether you want this man back in your life (only you can decide this) but you have to do the 180 and go no contact with him at all, let him think you are moving on with your life, it will get easier with time, as you have to emotional detach. What he is doing is wrong, you asked him to leave but you are still married which means your vows are still in place. He either does not care (then you dont need him in your life) or he is trying to ensure he breaks you down (he is succeeding) so the status quo remains (not something you want for the rest of your life).
> Get a lawyer and see what your rights are with regard to property, child maintenance etc and file for divorce. This man is neither a good H or a good father.


Dear Anie, 

I started the no contact rule after I told him I was pregnant and I call the OW. He was very upset that I had call her and hurt her sooo much.. to the point he was crying to me as of WHY I WAS BREAKING HIS NEW RELATIONSHIP... so I decided to keep it at minimum... ( I miss him terribly) but then I think he is a Monster that does not realized the pain that I am going thru instead he is more worry about her pain... 

I am not sure what is the 180 plan. The contact in itself is very hard as at the beginning he was texting and I would only reply if necessary... now he is not texting me any more and it give me anxiety... 

I am a Christian woman and I can't help to wonder if there will be Justice one day... or if he would ever come back to me asking for forgiveness or even if he misses me.. Until the last day he said I was the one that straight up his life and that i saved him from a path that he was going 10 years ago... that I was the love of his life and (gosh while i write this my heart starts beating faster and wonder was he lying? ) :crying:  SO HARD AND PAINFUL


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Jorgegene, I agree you are so right with this "it's the selves that they presented to us that we fell in love with." The way he speaks is wonderful and amazing... He is the most handsome man that I ever seen (in my eyes). He is tall, blond blue eyes and many girls feel attracted to him... that's why it was so easy for him to find someone else. A part of him want him back so much... LIKE NOW! I want to be care for him ( like he never did and i am sure he is caring for this new girl) ... Even tough I hired an attorney i am scared to follow thru, I have asked my attorney to wait until I feel strong enough to take the next step.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Sorry, but he is not husband material...as you are finding out. He seems quite careless about the children he creates. You need to be talking to a lawyer and prepare to move on.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

(((Cathy)))) you fell in love with an inmature jerk! All the tell tell signs were there. If you are Christian, then one big tell tell sign was that he had children with other women and that would make him forbidden fruit to pick as a husband. 

Regain your yourself slowly and file for divorce and get your children protection from the law of this world. Let God lead you through your journey of healing and obey His Law and you will make much better choices that will give you your much needed peace.

Your handsome soon to be XH is and was never good for you!

He is NOT the chosen one for You. Embrace the second chance God gives you to find the True One for You.

With love and light from above,

Bibi


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Cathy,

I'm so sorry you're here, Believe me I know your pain. I made two attempts to take my life. I didn't think I could ever be happy again. Now looking back, I can't believe I ever sunk that low. Even though you can't see it now, You will pull through this. Just give yourself the chance to heal. You will get a little stronger every day. It's hard to put yourself first when you've put him first for so long.

I can see by your post that, Like me that's what you've been doing. When you do start to put yourself first you can be happier than you ever thought. I just wanted you to know there are people out here that truly know how you're hurting & what you're going through. Don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it. I wish you the best. Just hang in there it will get better..

D & L


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

I am not sure what it is ... but a part of me wants him back. I wonder if he would ever come back and ask me for forgiveness... How can he fall in love so bad to put this girl in front of us so quickly... it has been 2 months that he know her and already spending all the weekends with her. IT KILLS ME ... How is that he is having the time of his life while I am here devastated ... can it be real what they have or like some people say "is just a fog" . 

He had the family that he always wanted ( I think so), he really never had a family as he was left by his parents at the age of 3... he is a broken wing that I tried healing and caring for him. Now someone else is caring for him... I was not the Perfect wife but I was a really good one. Love him above all.. How can he move on so fast ??? 

I been trying the No contact and he had stop texting me... which it makes me more anxious.... are we part of his past? Thank you all for replying for my messages I feel truly Alone and this board is helping me so much.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

cathy1978 said:


> Good Morning, I hope I can find some words of encouragement as I feel like I am dying. My husband and I had problems in our relation ship and about a year ago i started to tell him that we needed to do something about it... I Felt pretty much done with the whole thing and he kept asking to work things out in which he didn't follow thru. I signed up for marriage 911 and then he would not attend, instead he would take a trip to ski ... so I was done... I asked him to move out to see if from a different perspective we could work on thing out and everything went to the wrong path... he found a girlfriend about two months ago and then he said NO MORE... I begged him and said I was sorry but it was too late. We have 2 small children and I am broken heart wanting him back. I can;t, work or even take care of my kids the way i should. I am in disbelief how an he be so happy while I am in soo much pain. He said that she makes him happy and I deserve to be happy as well. I cry all the time and I have decide to keep away from him so I don't need to find out more information. This is such an excruciating pain that I pray to God to take me with the kids.... (I know is not right and feel tremendously ashamed for that)....


If you ever have thoughts about taking your life or doing something to the kids, check yourself in to the hospital or call a suicide hot line.

This struggle seems unbearable right now because you are dealing with many emotions at once: shock, grief, jealousy, regret, sadness, denial, and more shock. It's like somebody has punched the belly of your life with a baseball bat. You're going to be disoriented for a while but IT WILL PASS and you will be strong again if you choose to be. If you choose to be strong and choose to get through this, you will. We don't know how strong we are until we have no other option. Take strength from your children - you need to be the best "you" possible, so that they grow up healthy and capable.

Reinvent yourself. Stop focusing on him (he was gone a long time ago...) and focus on yourself and your children. Do things you couldn't do with him around. Enjoy your new freedom. Cry/grieve when you need to, it's part of the process, but don't stay there forever.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

cathy1978 said:


> I am not sure what it is ... but a part of me wants him back. I wonder if he would ever come back and ask me for forgiveness... How can he fall in love so bad to put this girl in front of us so quickly... it has been 2 months that he know her and already spending all the weekends with her. IT KILLS ME ... How is that he is having the time of his life while I am here devastated ... can it be real what they have or like some people say "is just a fog" .
> 
> He had the family that he always wanted ( I think so), he really never had a family as he was left by his parents at the age of 3... he is a broken wing that I tried healing and caring for him. Now someone else is caring for him... I was not the Perfect wife but I was a really good one. Love him above all.. How can he move on so fast ???
> 
> I been trying the No contact and he had stop texting me... which it makes me more anxious.... are we part of his past? Thank you all for replying for my messages I feel truly Alone and this board is helping me so much.


If he has only known her only 2 months, yes it is very likely he will ask to eventually see/talk to you. But should you wait for that time? No. That is being unjust to you and your children.

He has made his decision to be with another person. Accept it, as painful as it is. 

Think also about why you were separated to begin with. What were the reasons you were both unhappy in the marriage? If you got back together today, those problems would still exist (plus many, MANY more because you'd be afraid of him leaving you for another woman, you'd mistrust him, resent him, live in fear/anxiety etc.).

"What you focus on becomes your reality." If you focus on him and his new girlfriend, it will consume your life. You will become obsessive. 

Why don't you focus on yourself, taking care of yourself? Pretend you are your own best friend and encourage yourself accordingly. Exercise, play with the kids, see your friends and family, start hobbies you enjoy.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe Thank you so much... Believe me I tried to do better sometimes it consumes my day... Yesterday I was Praying so Hard for God to take the kids and I from this pain... then I prayed again and realized that It was not the right thing. I have decided that dying is not an option... I feel ashamed of my own feelings towards that. 

Today i been looking my phone hoping to get a text for him and nothing NADA... 

I feel that I gave him my all and got so empty that I have nothing left. I wish he could love me.... like he loves this girl....


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

cathy1978 said:


> Thank you all so much. I know that I was the one pulling our marriage together while he was just sitting looking the time go by... our problems were mainly his lack of communication, lack of commitment and the unwilling to work on any shore/task that was given to him. All his family is on my side and they tell me " I deserve better" ...
> 
> I wanted a family while he wanted just time to be in his computer and not bother ... we didn't have many arguments because I gave up picking small battles and I ended up doing everything.
> 
> ...


Well, there you go.
You told him you are pregnant with his child and he still clearly does not want to stay married or attempt to fix the marriage.

Over time, you will (hopefully) come to realize that you deserve to be with someone who is responsible, a good father and a good husband. Someone who WANTS to be with you. It wasn't him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

cathy1978 said:


> Orange_Pekoe Thank you so much... Believe me I tried to do better sometimes it consumes my day... Yesterday I was Praying so Hard for God to take the kids and I from this pain... then I prayed again and realized that It was not the right thing. I have decided that dying is not an option... I feel ashamed of my own feelings towards that.
> 
> Today i been looking my phone hoping to get a text for him and nothing NADA...
> 
> I feel that I gave him my all and got so empty that I have nothing left. I wish he could love me.... like he loves this girl....


Don't be ashamed of your feelings but don't ignore them either. Talk to your doctor or a therapist/counsellor. I found it very helpful to talk to my doctor during my separation, simply because it made me realize there were people out there who truly care about my wellbeing and are willing to listen to my troubles. 

Do you love your children? You have them. They are the world - and you have them with you. Fill your life with friends, family, hobbies, activities that will not leave time to sit around waiting for his texts.

What helped me was the support of my family, as well as the fact that I was VERY busy. I moved in to a condo with my 2 year old girl and every weekend that she was not with me, I was out looking for furniture or decor to fill up my new home. It took months. I also cleaned a lot, went out with friends at times and read books. Watched a lot of movies. Things that would keep my mind off my phone, or texts. It's hard but you will get through it.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Today he is coming back from his work/pleasure trip and I am so scared .. A part of me wants him to stop by the house with the excuse to see the kids and a part of me doesn't ... I got ready this morning thinking What IF he sees me I want to look great... I am a petite woman 5'3 and I was 127 pounds down to 114... Sometimes I want to send him a text saying " I miss you" but then I think it will be the worst mistake. I want him to miss ME , to miss his family....


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

He is in a new relationship, and even you telling him that you are pregnant did not bring him back. The only way he will come back is if she dumps him. Then you become sexond choice. And he will likely leave again, as he is a proven irresponsible father and husband. You backed the wrong man. Time to move on before more of your life is wasted on him


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

cathy1978 said:


> Workingonme, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY right! I never imagine this kind of pain... It is more than I can handle. Besides I was hoping that we were going to work on things ... instead he found someone else. I am missing the interaction that we had with our kids, he was not the most responsible and loving man... I was always the one pushing him to the next level. *So now I am regretting every word I said to him... I guess I could have accepted him the same way this new girl is accepting him.* It is so painful to see him doing things he never did with me, happy and cheering his new life.


Horse-hockey.

Cathy, I am sorry you are in pain, but this is nonsense. You are trying to talk yourself into accepting an unacceptable relationship. Why? because a bad marriage is better than no marriage? Are you sure the OW hasn't been in the picture longer than you know?

Sweetie, if you get strength from your church group, great. But I honestly believe you should seek out a medical profession to discuss depression and anxiety, both of which are common reactions to separation and divorce. They can suggest some secular therapies that could help you deal with the pain.

Most people mourn the loss of a relationship, and many realize that they are mourning the loss of what they wanted in that relationship, not the way it actually was. You want a husband who loves you and cherishes your kids. Your H is doing neither or those things. Focus on the 180. It is a multi-step program that will help you detach and heal from a painful relationship. Sometimes, as you become stronger, your spouse will take note and attempt to re-connect. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes its not. Either way, it helps you become a stronger, more self-sufficient, more resilient adult-which is what your children need right now.

Here's a link for the 180.
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity and Cheating


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

^ I believe ultimately, that's what each person should strive for during a painful life transition such as divorce.

Become a "stronger, more self-sufficient, more resilient adult". While maintaining your compassion.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Christ Cathy, this info changes everything. In some ways he is no different then a women who has had numerous affairs due to CSA. There is a new thread here by David entitled "just found out". Read it. Bottom line some people for sone reason can not achieve the necessary maturity and empathy need to from a healthy marriage. Some like your husband instead develop the ability to fake some parts brilliantly. It creates a non stop cycle of doubt in their partners. 

So your husband has had two children with two different women, meet you, married had two more children for a total of four. Due to severe problems with his wife they separate, within two months he begins an adulterous relationship with a much younger women who has two young children. 

You do know why she is with him? In some ways might she be in the same situation as you, is desperately seeking a white knight and has chosen unwisely? 

You need to realize right now you are also very vulnerable to becoming affair bait. Step back, keep posting.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

John,

My husband is a very attractive men and he is charming. I am sure this girl thinks he has money. He does a great talk ... I remember believing that he was in the process to buy a home (10 years ago) and then when we got married I was the one that qualified to get a home ... he had a bad credit. So he gives you the impression that he is capable of everything! I have myself helping on rebuild his credit (Which I regret), his own family was happy of the man he became with me... Now for what did I do all that work??? So he can offer to her what he didn't do with me? 😢
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cathy1978 said:


> I am now facing a pregnancy alone... while he is having the time of his life with his new girlfriend. ...
> 
> I DO Appreciate ALL YOUR support!!


Does this girl friend (affair partner) of his know that he got you pregnant? If so, what does she say about her 'boy friend' cheating on her?

Is he helping you out financially? How much time is he spending with the children?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cathy1978 said:


> John,
> 
> My husband is a very attractive men and he is charming. I am sure this girl thinks he has money. He does a great talk ... I remember believing that he was in the process to buy a home (10 years ago) and then when we got married I was the one that qualified to get a home ... he had a bad credit. So he gives you the impression that he is capable of everything! I have myself helping on rebuild his credit (Which I regret), his own family was happy of the man he became with me... Now for what did I do all that work??? So he can offer to her what he didn't do with me? 😢


Once the newness wears off with his affair, he will treat her just as he treated you. I rather doubt that he has made huge changes at his very core. He was fun and lovely when you first dated him too, right?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cathy1978 said:


> Dear Anie,
> 
> I started the no contact rule after I told him I was pregnant and I call the OW. He was very upset that I had call her and hurt her sooo much.. to the point he was crying to me as of WHY I WAS BREAKING HIS NEW RELATIONSHIP... so I decided to keep it at minimum... ( I miss him terribly) but then I think he is a Monster that does not realized the pain that I am going thru instead he is more worry about her pain...


This woman is having an affair with your husband. Of course you should tell her. She needs to know what kind of man he is... and it does not look good for him.

If you truly want your husband back, the quickest way to do it is to break up the affair. The quickest way to break up the affair is to let her know that he's "cheating" on her with his wife.




cathy1978 said:


> I am not sure what is the 180 plan. The contact in itself is very hard as at the beginning he was texting and I would only reply if necessary... now he is not texting me any more and it give me anxiety...


There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below.



cathy1978 said:


> I am a Christian woman and I can't help to wonder if there will be Justice one day... or if he would ever come back to me asking for forgiveness or even if he misses me.. Until the last day he said I was the one that straight up his life and that i saved him from a path that he was going 10 years ago... that I was the love of his life and (gosh while i write this my heart starts beating faster and wonder was he lying? ) :crying:  SO HARD AND PAINFUL


What kind of things are you doing for yourself these days?

Do you have a job? How are you supporting yourself and the children?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Even if you decide to tell the new GF about your pregnancy and she dumps him (she won't though...she knew she was with a married man) you can't consider taking him back, not unless you want to go through pain and anguish forever, instead of just for a little while. If he comes back, it will only be for as long as it takes him to find the next woman, and if he is as handsome and charming as you say, he will find one.

This man does not care about the children he creates. He is not going to turn into a good husband and father, all of a sudden. The new GF deserves him, if she knowingly took on a married man with kids. Jmo


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Cathy, 

Your response to my last question leaves me wondering if you grasp my point. He is a deeply flawed man who cannot be fixed. He is wired wrong, period. Your patience with him, your ability to help him repair his credit, your ability to qualify for a loan by yourself are all qualities that make you a good mother, and a great wife FOR SOMEONE ELSE !!


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Does this girl friend (affair partner) of his know that he got you pregnant? If so, what does she say about her 'boy friend' cheating on her?
> 
> Is he helping you out financially? How much time is he spending with the children?


I called the Gilrfriend and told her that I was pregnant and she was like "i am not that type of woman, I can't hardly breath" My husband got upset to me and told me that I was causing her soo much pain and she didn't deserve that. He was crying to see how hurt she was... I tried explaining to him that I was in pain too ... But he didn't care. He was very blunt and hurtful to me.Then she took him back and has been spending the weekends together ... 

He is helping financially and right now we have 50/50 with the kids. Today I am missing my kids like Crazy.... I don't know how to endure this pain any longer.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Once the newness wears off with his affair, he will treat her just as he treated you. I rather doubt that he has made huge changes at his very core. He was fun and lovely when you first dated him too, right?


He was fun and lovely... I am not American so I am a little different. I am a conservative woman VERY Family oriented... So I am thinking she may be offering things i didn't just because I was always tryin to do the right thing.... I Don't know


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> This woman is having an affair with your husband. Of course you should tell her. She needs to know what kind of man he is... and it does not look good for him.
> 
> If you truly want your husband back, the quickest way to do it is to break up the affair. The quickest way to break up the affair is to let her know that he's "cheating" on her with his wife.
> 
> ...


I do have an excellent Job that pays well. I haven't been able to do much lately because my life is consumed wit this PAIN ... Today I am having a REALLY LOW DAY ... Prayers are really appreciated and SUPPORT!


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Cathy,
> 
> Your response to my last question leaves me wondering if you grasp my point. He is a deeply flawed man who cannot be fixed. He is wired wrong, period. Your patience with him, your ability to help him repair his credit, your ability to qualify for a loan by yourself are all qualities that make you a good mother, and a great wife FOR SOMEONE ELSE !!


John,

I been told that before... I really wanted to provide him stability, unconditional love, and the gift of a beautiful family. My love for him was beyond understanding, and when i felt I had to give up... He ran away instead of fighting for me... HOW COULD THIS BE?? I ask for forgiveness and I guess is too late. Then I wonder ... Will he ever understand what he had... or he is sooo broken that he would never see it... 

THANKS FOR YOUR MESSAGE... I feeling that somehow somewhere there is someone that is reading how i feel...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Cathy, proceed on the belief that he is sooo broken he will never see it. He probably won't.
Believe that nothing you say or do will change his behavior.

Most likely, when the newness of his current affair runs down he will leave this GF for yet another woman. You, my dear, are too smart to take him back. Focus on you and the kids. Get a support order, pronto. Be generous with visitation, but that's it.

It is hard, but as time passes, every day, every hour, you can heal and become stronger.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cathy your WH is poison, I know you cannot see that now, but you are worthy of so much more, a man who treats you well, who supports you financially, supports you as a lover, wife and mother, takes the lead in your family, etc.
He has done none of these things and it is obvious he is a bit of a waster having so many kids with so many women and not caring a d***. Getting you pregnant and not giving a d***. I know it hurts but the reality is he is too caught up in himself and his wants that he doesn't for one moment think of the damage he leaves in his wake for the other women or for his own wife and kids. He is selfish and immature and you tried to change him obviously (as so many young women do) and you failed, you just created an ungrateful monster. I suspect he was playing the field long before this woman, are you sure he wasn't?

I pray that you will see that clearly and realize that you have to take care of you and your children, that is all you need right now, you do NOT need such a broken man in your life (you have been holding things together since you met him, what has he really contributed to your life since you met him, his good looks, his sperm?, your in-laws (who incidentally support you!). It is time for you to get on your feet and 
1. go no contact hard (no looking for sms or replies). Do the 180 to really emotionally detach, it is tough but take one step one day at a time
2. Expose him and his shenanigans to family and friends, it is his shame not yours
3. Lean on your family (not his family) and friends and church group. Surround yourself with one or two close friends that you can call at any time when you are feeling weak and alone.
4. You are financially independent so do things for yourself, go to the spa, get a manicure/pedicure/join the gym, pamper yourself, realize your worth as a beautiful woman is not based on his treatment of you. Love yourself.
5. Journal all the things he has done through out the marriage, why the marriage was failing, why you asked him to leave to remind you why you must follow through on making a break with him, he is not going to change. Do not let him manipulate you.
6. Try to get back into work to get your mind of him and what he is doing, when thoughts of him arise read your journal as to why you must stay strong
7. Your kids need a good manly role model, and he wasn't one, it is better he is not completely in their lives
8. Make sure your lawyer is working quickly on your behalf, do not go soft on your WH.

It is likely he will be back in the future, when the fog wears off but by then you will be strong enough to go it alone and realize he was the deadweight in your life. Cathy, you are strong enough to do this. The pain will make you an even stronger woman. You will look back at this time and realize God brought this turmoil into your life for a reason, to make you grow, to allow better things into your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cathy1978 said:


> He was fun and lovely... I am not *American so I am a little different*. I am a conservative woman VERY Family oriented... So I am thinking she may be offering things i didn't just because I was always tryin to do the right thing.... I Don't know


I'm not sure what you mean by that.

Is the OW American? 

What is she doing that you won't do because you think it's not the right thing?


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Cathy,
> 
> Your response to my last question leaves me wondering if you grasp my point. He is a deeply flawed man who cannot be fixed. He is wired wrong, period. Your patience with him, your ability to help him repair his credit, your ability to qualify for a loan by yourself are all qualities that make you a good mother, and a great wife FOR SOMEONE ELSE !!





EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by that.
> 
> Is the OW American?
> 
> What is she doing that you won't do because you think it's not the right thing?


I am not From USA so I think the culture difference make me different than other women from here. He can relate better to her and understand each other perfect...


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Very hard weekend... keep wondering how long this pain will last...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Today ... I found out that I am miscarriage. ... life is hard and sad. I wonder if I would ever be back to normal. ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

cathy1978 said:


> Today ... I found out that I am miscarriage. ... life is hard and sad. I wonder if I would ever be back to normal. ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So sorry for your devastating news. I have been through a miscarriage, too. The pain is deep. Be kind to yourself. Your healing will happen, in time. So very, very sorry.


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

It has been a week since the lost of my baby... and it is been hard. I wanted to see if someone has felt .. the way I am. For the last 2 months i have been DEVASTATED, almost to the point that I almost kill myself, the pain was not something that i could take. My husband hurt me to the point that i could NEVER EVER EXPECTED... he left me pregnant with our 2 kids ages (8 and 2) so imagine... Then last week i miscarriage. Suddenly things stated to shape different, I started to feel alive, stronger and determined to get out of the hole I was. I PRAYED SO HARD!! and then I am feeling relief... and happy and soo different. I am almost scared that I am feeling this GOOD ( I CALL IT A MIRACLE FROM GOD).I used to be all day online checking on Divorce, infidelity, broken heart and things like that... then it all change/// It has been 5 days with this good feeling... so this means that I am healed and I won't be back where i was ???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cathy, have you been to see a therapist yet? You need to.

You also need to understand your part in this. This will be hard to hear, but you need to understand.

You kicked him out, hoping to 'wake him up,' but he ran with it. Because some men just want to have fun. You and the kids were no longer fun. Count your blessings. 

And then when his girlfriend wasn't available, he called you for a booty call because he knew you'd come running. And you did. 

But then you said 'I might get pregnant,' but you had sex anyway. You WANTED to get pregnant, because you thought it would bring him home. But it didn't. What's one more kid living with the ex-wife?

Do you see the manipulative steps you're taking? You need to, because you need to understand _they don't work_. You can't trick a guy back into your life. You can't bluff him back. 

What you CAN do is start focusing on what YOU have going on in your life, aside from him. Work, children, family, friends. They are what matter now. And your kids need you whole. They're suffering, too. They need a strong mother, since they got blessed with a deadbeat dad.

Find a therapist. I'm sure your job's insurance will help with that.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No it does not. It means you have achieved a level acceptance and now their are posibllities going forward. Your doubts will return. Think of them as temptations to sin but in your case it is not sin but to despair. Healing is a process. The biggest hurdle you face is to allow your WS back into your heart.

Cathy, earlier you mention thoughts of suicide. People who survived a suicide talk about an immense feeling of peace before they attempted suicide. Are you ok?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Cathy ???


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