# Sacrifice



## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

I am in a huge fight with my wife about this but I firmly believe that it's the man's job to absolutely sacrifice everything for his wife. Do not complain about what you need/want and defer to her opinion always. My wife disagrees but happy wife happy life right? I feel like any women would want to have a sacrificing husband like that. I've told her 1000 times she doesn't need to run purchases by me first, I know she doesn't truly want my opinion or she'd follow it (which she hasn't in the past) and also the biggest thing is that we've had fights about doing things for each other even if they don't want to. For example she recently told me that she doesn't like getting kisses from me but allows me to give them to her because it makes me happy. This made me so so mad because I absolutely DO NOT want her to do anything she doesn't generally want to do. Especially if its for me. Why is all of this such an issue?? Help!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Because she doesn't believe you are honest.

Guess what?

She's right.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

So called sacrificial love in a marriage is the most selfish love of all. Watch out when you don’t get back what it is you are so called sacrificing for.


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

AFEH said:


> So called sacrificial love in a marriage is the most selfish love of all. Watch out when you don’t get back what it is you are so called sacrificing for.


Can you both clarify your points? How am I being dishonest and how is sacrificial love the most selfish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sacrificial love is blind and dangerous and unbalanced and should be saved for God if that's your thing

I prefer love based on mutual respect, openess, caring and equal footing


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

To my mind there isn’t such a thing as being selfless. We are the centre of our own unique world and as such we simply cannot do anything that doesn’t involve our self. It’s an impossibility. So there is no sacrificial love. It doesn’t exist. For a child a parent may give their own life to save their child’s life. But that’s still not a selfless act because it’s what the parent wants to do, for themselves. The child is a beneficiary of their parent’s selfish act.

So your sacrificial/selfless love just doesn’t exist. Everything you do in life is selfish. You do it because it’s what you want to do and because you want something back for what you do. For example, for some reason or other you want your wife to see you as a self sacrificing person (but that doesn’t exist, right?). If I understood your initial post correctly, your wife doesn’t want that. And if that is the case your wife is a very wise person. Why? Because she knows that if you do not get back from her the things you are supposedly sacrificing for, you will be one very bitter and resentful person “But I sacrificed everything for you! How can you treat me like that!”. But you didn’t did you, you did it for yourself, for what you wanted back from the transaction.



Of course, there are different types of selfishness. Some are evil, some are very good and there’s everything in between. It just depends on the person, what they want out of their life and how they go about getting it.


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

matman said:


> I am in a huge fight with my wife about this but I firmly believe that it's the man's job to absolutely sacrifice everything for his wife. Do not complain about what you need/want and defer to her opinion always. My wife disagrees but happy wife happy life right? I feel like any women would want to have a sacrificing husband like that. I've told her 1000 times she doesn't need to run purchases by me first, I know she doesn't truly want my opinion or she'd follow it (which she hasn't in the past) and also the biggest thing is that we've had fights about doing things for each other even if they don't want to. For example she recently told me that she doesn't like getting kisses from me but allows me to give them to her because it makes me happy. This made me so so mad because I absolutely DO NOT want her to do anything she doesn't generally want to do. Especially if its for me. Why is all of this such an issue?? Help!


You say that your in a huge fight because you believe it is the mans job to sacrifice everything in which she does not agree with....but your doing it anyway? Any relationship has to have balance to be healthy. From your description, your giving the control and decision making to her, which she may or may not want. Part of being a man is standing up and being accountable for the things in the relationship. (I'm not saying your not doing that, however she may be desireing more from you) She needs/wants you to make decisions, be firm and lead....not cower or submit. The last thing she wants is to have to lead and direct the household and you. Being sacrificial and willing to die for her is commendable, but often that is a given, or at least it should be. That is the protective nature of a man. It's when you stand up and be strong, she will notice that and that action will help to rekindle attraction in her and she will desire your kisses! Your looking in the right place. Many men and women on this site will help you understand the direction to take to move forward with your relationship.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jesus never married though. So I'm dubious of the merits of martyrdom.


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

AFEH said:


> And if that is the case your wife is a very wise person. Why? Because she knows that if you do not get back from her the things you are supposedly sacrificing for, you will be one very bitter and resentful person “But I sacrificed everything for you! How can you treat me like that!”. But you didn’t did you, you did it for yourself, for what you wanted back from the transaction.


This is right and to add to it, we often do these things for selfish reasons....like to gain sex from her. We have a covert contract in which we think if we are nice enough to her, she will recipicate that. It does not work that way. We are always selfish....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I find this to be creepy.

We both make sacrifices for each other...some big, some small and sometimes we don't make sacrifices at all.

If I thought my husband was "living for me", I would be a bit turned off and a lot creeped out.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think on that as “compromise”. Or “selfish sacrifice”. In that we sacrifice something to get something back or to keep something we already have.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

So let me get this straight. 

You have a belief that your wife disagrees with so you argue with her that she should like it and can not understand why she is unhappy with that. 

Hint: 

1. Stop it you are wrong
2. Listen to your wife

Pretty simple.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

YupItsMe points it out nicely.

You "think" your being completely selfless and sacrificing for your Wife, but she is obivously not happy with your attitude. You need to change your reality and listen to AHEF


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## At wits end (Aug 10, 2011)

I am a recovering nice guy and far from being an expert on all of of this, but if there is one thing I have learned from doing all of the reading on this forum and other places is something I saw a long time ago. 

The definition of stupidity is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

She has told you she does not like this so why is it difficult to understand?

Sounds to me like you are willing laying down to be a doormat.

Just my opinion


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

At wits end said:


> I am a recovering nice guy and far from being an expert on all of of this, but if there is one thing I have learned from doing all of the reading on this forum and other places is something I saw a long time ago.
> 
> The definition of stupidity is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
> 
> ...


"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
-Albert Einstein

Problem is, he _thinks_ its the Husbands and Wives place to be eachothers door mat. Many couples are like this, obviously not happy. I prefer to make myself happy, than give that responsibility to my wife.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

... martyr ... nice, that...

doesn't work in the long run, that is for sure.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

matman said:


> I am in a huge fight with my wife about this but I firmly believe that it's the man's job to absolutely sacrifice everything for his wife. Do not complain about what you need/want and defer to her opinion always. My wife disagrees but happy wife happy life right? I feel like any women would want to have a sacrificing husband like that.


I'll admit that I had to read your post twice because I was surprised/confused with this logic. Why would anyone want someone else to go along with whatever they thought or wanted? How would we learn about ourselves, how would we learn about each other this way? And I'd imagine it would make for a somewhat boring and insincere life. 

Also if you really believed this, why are you arguing with her when you think you should defer to her opinion anyway? Or is it really that you want her to be this way towards you? I find this whole thought-process to be strange.



matman said:


> For example she recently told me that she doesn't like getting kisses from me but allows me to give them to her because it makes me happy. This made me so so mad because I absolutely DO NOT want her to do anything she doesn't generally want to do. Especially if its for me. Why is all of this such an issue?? Help!


So you're saying the same thing she is. She was doing what she thought was 'expected' because it's something you wanted but then you're annoyed by this. 

It sounds like you both need to just be genuine, with yourselves and each other.


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## At wits end (Aug 10, 2011)

SockPuppet


Thanks for the correction, Insanity, stupidity...knew it was one of those!! Either way, same result!


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

AFEH said:


> To my mind there isn’t such a thing as being selfless. We are the centre of our own unique world and as such we simply cannot do anything that doesn’t involve our self. It’s an impossibility. So there is no sacrificial love. It doesn’t exist. For a child a parent may give their own life to save their child’s life. But that’s still not a selfless act because it’s what the parent wants to do, for themselves. The child is a beneficiary of their parent’s selfish act.
> 
> So your sacrificial/selfless love just doesn’t exist. Everything you do in life is selfish. You do it because it’s what you want to do and because you want something back for what you do. For example, for some reason or other you want your wife to see you as a self sacrificing person (but that doesn’t exist, right?). If I understood your initial post correctly, your wife doesn’t want that. And if that is the case your wife is a very wise person. Why? Because she knows that if you do not get back from her the things you are supposedly sacrificing for, you will be one very bitter and resentful person “But I sacrificed everything for you! How can you treat me like that!”. But you didn’t did you, you did it for yourself, for what you wanted back from the transaction.
> 
> ...


You sound like an Ayn Rand fan...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Parrothead said:


> You sound like an Ayn Rand fan...


AKA Narcissist


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Parrothead said:


> You sound like an Ayn Rand fan...


Hadn’t heard of her until you mentioned her name. Just had a bit of a read but too complex for my head at the moment. My gut feeling is she got far too clever for herself and kind of wrapped up in it all, as philosophers do. It really is quite easy. Of course there is a real objective world. That exists for sure. But each and every person experiences that real world in their own unique and subjective way. So every person’s world is subjective, not objective. So does the real world actually exist? I reckon philosophers will argue that one until the end of time.

For me it’s enough to know that we’re all out for what we can get in the world. Some of us have bigger needs than others, or are perhaps harder to satisfy. Some of us get what we want while being beneficial to others. Some rob and steal etc. to get what they want. I think the earlier in life we understand these things, the more self aware we become and the more comfortable we feel in the world we’ve created around us because we know we can change it if we want to.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> AKA Narcissist


Now that's a direct insult. I hope you don't get away with that one.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Now that's a direct insult. I hope you don't get away with that one.


Ayn Rand was a narcissist and a dead one, I'm doubting she cares.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

matman said:


> I am in a huge fight with my wife about this but I firmly believe that it's the man's job to absolutely sacrifice everything for his wife. Do not complain about what you need/want and defer to her opinion always. My wife disagrees but happy wife happy life right? I feel like any women would want to have a sacrificing husband like that. I've told her 1000 times she doesn't need to run purchases by me first, I know she doesn't truly want my opinion or she'd follow it (which she hasn't in the past) and also the biggest thing is that we've had fights about doing things for each other even if they don't want to. For example she recently told me that she doesn't like getting kisses from me but allows me to give them to her because it makes me happy. This made me so so mad because I absolutely DO NOT want her to do anything she doesn't generally want to do. Especially if its for me. Why is all of this such an issue?? Help!


Considering her opposition, I'm thinking that if you are in the process of ascribing a name to this cult of unhealthy obsession, you might want to put that on hold for a bit. Definately put the robe order on hold ... 

Why do I say that? Because that is exactly how most women would respond to this unhealthy self-view. It is very likely that the wife, if this is a real situation, is afraid that you are falling into obsessive compulsions. Typically, women are attracted to men who command respect in the way they carry themselves, while giving her a similar healthy respect. This world view works best when the woman is only interested in a sugar daddy, and you have a few million dollars at her disposal.


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