# Extreme resentment money trouble



## tasp (Apr 23, 2013)

I need help! My husband has repeatedly made financial mistakes against my advise or will or knowledge. Throughout our marriage control has been an issue. His having it and my not having it. I almost left him because of it but we ultimately reconciled. I am a people pleaser by nature and he is an always gets his way kind of guy. I know toddlers who deal with the word no better. 

Anyway we are in huge financial trouble and its just plain and simple not my fault. I either told him it was a bad idea or on at least two occasions I said I would leave him if he did it or he did it with out my consent completely. 

Don't get me wrong my H is the hardest working person I know. He has an amazing work ethic and ambition. I think he uses that aspect of his personality that he knows I admire to fill some emotional need to spend money. A lot of the money that is brining us down was spent for a business venture. 

Regardless we are currently in a very messy finical crisis that even going bankrupt might not be an option because he owes his parents money and they will get sued if we filed a chapter 7 and he just lost lost his job and finding the income for the budget of a chapter 13 might just not be feasible right now. 

All of this is stressing me out in a pretty sever way. I am investing my spare time doing everything possible to figure it out and I feel like I shouldn't have to. Or at the very least I should get a boatload of appreciation for it. NONE of this is my fault except for the fact that I stayed when I said I would leave. 

I love my husband we have two children but my resentment is growing and growing and spilling over to other issues as well. I am basically a ticking time bomb. 

He doesn't want to talk about it. "its not a good time" or "you sound like a broken record" or let me just not make eye contact and ignore you because commercial is more important to than you are basically my token responses. -can you sense my resentment here?

Anyway I need advice. My marriage is going to implode and that is the LAST thing that I want!!!!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Do you share a bank account? 

So he is running around spending money you don't have and you are cleaning up the mess? He sounds like an immature a$$ to me and very irresponsible with money.


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## tasp (Apr 23, 2013)

Yes we have a shared bank account. He makes far more money then I do (of course not now because he just lost his job). The spending problem involves loans for the most part. He doesn't go out and rack up credit card bills he makes big ticket purchase. In some ways calling him an immature a$$ would be incredibly accurate. It just is not that simple. 

He has a HUGE heart and an amazing work ethic. Somewhere he has good intentions, it just is truly a problem. I don't think he can separate need from want and instead of looking at facts and numbers just assumes if you work hard it will work out. 

Unfortunately thats not life. Life involves numbers and facts and when the two don't add up no amount of "wanting things to work out" is going to solve problems. This has been an issue essentially from day one. I honestly blame it on his mother. He grew up with a notion of "you deserve it" not can we afford it. 

I really think that its a disorder or something because he is not a bad person. I shouldn't let that be an excuse though. Many times I have been treated poorly so he could get his way in the end. He can be hurtful, manipulative and/or dishonest to get his way.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I suggest that the two of you sit down and budget what you currently have in the bank, what you currently owe in debt, what you pay every month for mortgage/bills/food/etc, and what your monthly income is. Then write out a monthly calendar. Write what you owe on what dates (utility bill on April 25th for $100) etc. Then subtract your expenses with what your monthly intake is. You will get a full view of what you are paying out and if you can afford it. You will see a trend occur after writing a few months out. Either a downward slope or an upward slope. Literally force him to do this with you.

Sometimes people don't fully grasp what kind of money they are spending. It's like denial. If he can see how broke he's making you guys by putting it on paper, maybe he will be motivated enough to make some changes. Also, I suggest looking at the interest rates on any loans you have (mortgage, line of credit), and show him how much you are losing just on those alone. 

Me and my H do this at least once per year. We sit down and make sure we have a clear view of what is going on financially. And then we make a goal such as; We will pay off this loan within 6 months for example. Or, even something as simple as; We will not spend more than $50 on an item without discussing it with each other first.

In order for your H to realize what he's going to lose, he has to be hit hard with reality first.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Tasp, you say he is not a bad man. But here is some truth for you: The financial health of a person is OFTEN a reflection of one's character. You would think that for the sake of you, his wife, and more importantly, his two children, that he would change his financial ways. The fact that he is running amuck out of control means he IN FACT is a bad man, a terrible husband and morally bankrupt father. And he still takes loans from mommy and daddy?!? What does that say about his ability to be a stand-up guy? What kind of role model is he for the children? How much longer will you make excuses for this selfish lying a$$?


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## tasp (Apr 23, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Tasp, you say he is not a bad man. But here is some truth for you: The financial health of a person is OFTEN a reflection of one's character. You would think that for the sake of you, his wife, and more importantly, his two children, that he would change his financial ways. The fact that he is running amuck out of control means he IN FACT is a bad man, a terrible husband and morally bankrupt father. And he still takes loans from mommy and daddy?!? What does that say about his ability to be a stand-up guy? What kind of role model is he for the children? How much longer will you make excuses for this selfish lying a$$?


I truly think he is a good man. That is not to say that he always behaves that way. He can be incredibly selfish regarding me and my feelings but I've never seen someone so willing to give to others in all other respects. I am not intending to make excuses in this post as I know I gave in my personal life. I'm looking for advise with dealing in deep rooted character/personality faults. How can't his man be two separate people? So giving generous and thoughtful to everyone but than its as if my thoughts and feelings are totally unnoticed. I
Not sure how narcissism works but I thought it impacted all aspects of a persons life? 

He is am amazingly loving and nurturing father I have never seen love until I saw my H with our children. It is truly inspiring. I just don't understand how that same person can make decisions that risk that same family's security and unity. I think his need to get his way is so deeply rooted its operating on a subconscious level
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

tasp said:


> I truly think he is a good man. That is not to say that he always behaves that way. He can be incredibly selfish regarding me and my feelings but I've never seen someone so willing to give to others in all other respects. I am not intending to make excuses in this post as I know I gave in my personal life. I'm looking for advise with dealing in deep rooted character/personality faults. How can't his man be two separate people? So giving generous and thoughtful to everyone but than its as if my thoughts and feelings are totally unnoticed. I
> Not sure how narcissism works but I thought it impacted all aspects of a persons life?
> 
> He is am amazingly loving and nurturing father I have never seen love until I saw my H with our children. It is truly inspiring. I just don't understand how that same person can make decisions that risk that same family's security and unity. I think his need to get his way is so deeply rooted its operating on a subconscious level
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Boy, he sure has you fooled. You should be the poster boy for Welcome Mat Digest Magazine! 

UP. YOUR. STANDARDS.

Who taught you what a real man is? Therein lays the explanation...


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