# I do it or he does it but never allowed to work together ?



## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

Anyone else have this problem and able to shed a little light for me.

I have (since we met 11 years ago) always took care of the financial.We have 3 children and own our home.My money goes into our chequing account and now that he is working again (laid off and out of work for 2 years) his money goes in the joint account too.

Because he was out of work for so long we are in a little bit of a financial hole.I do not go out..we cannot really afford it so instead of spending what little bit of fun money we have on me,I make sure it is spent on the whole family.He got mad at me 2 weeks ago because he told me to go to bingo with my mom and I said no and he argued all night that he was giving me freedom and I would not go...Ive never complained about a loss of freedom in this way and bottom line we cannot afford it.

I cut corners as best I can but he is spend happy.He is not working in town 5 days a week but each night there is a liquor store purchase (he has to have his beer daily) ,cigarrette purchase and also at least each 2nd day a withdrawl of $20.00 he says is for pocket money for coffee,lunch etc.

I have tried to show him we cannot afford for him to have 2 huge vices (drinking and smoking) and all the little things that are nickle and diming us by showing him the account etc. but he says im a nag and if I ask to talk about it he tells me im looking to fight and if I don't stop talking we will end up fighting.
Not sure what to do here...I asked him last night if when he comes home tonight can we please sit together and look at the money issue because I have threaten to cancel on the gas bill and collectors calling and he said " I will never sit and talk to you about the money.I never have and never will and thats just the way I am.Either you deal with it or I will take it all over and deal with it but not together cause thats not me".. We also have no communication.He says the exact same thing as above minus the I will take it or you deal with it.

I always keep in mind he is 12 years older than me and im only 34 and wonder if maybe its his generation? not that it makes it right.

Feel like I have a teenage son that wants everything but is not willing to help with anything. I seriously debated saying HERE TAKE IT AND DO IT but I have 3 kids and I cannot just step away.. or can I ?  


Oh and I forgot...He got a credit cord on his own 5-6 years ago and said it was for work but never would show me a bill.I finally got ticked that he was taking $200 each month from the joint account to pay a bill I was not allowed to see so I snooped and found them.He had racked up the card to $11,000.00 and the only purchases on the card were for liquor store purchase 2-3 times a day, convenience store purchases for cigarrettes and gas for the van. Im now paying his along with the other bills.
Advice would be sooo welcome please


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I feel horrible for what you are going through! I am not sure what kind of advice anyone can give you because HE is not willing to change or work with you on this.
I would not allow him access to your money. I would open yourself up a new account and make sure he has access to it. I could not live like that.

I am a stay at home mom and my husband likes me to take care of the finances. We have a rule, any purchase over 50.00 (other than food, gas and essentials) we talk about first.

I would also tell him to pack a lunch. That is such an unnecessary expense (unless you can truly afford it!) we are not struggling but we have in the passed and eating outside of the home was just not possible. In fact my husband would much rather take leftovers that I have made than get fast food.

I really hope that you can figure something out with him.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

I work from home with kids and I really do like doing the financial but I find it hard when the other is spending so much and does not seem to care. He knows he has a drinking problem,he told me so years ago but says he enjoys it so he has no intention of stopping.

I think my best move might be either to hand it over and see what happens (but I do not think that will work) or

Walk away and see if it gives a wake up call (but i work from the home and make more money than him and this is the childrens home) so I cannot leave ,he would have to and he has made it clear he won't.

Kinda stuck.

I asked him last weekend if I can open a new chequing account for him and I to use for non household and fun purchases and that each time he or I gets paid I will move a % into it but when the account is empty...its empty till payday. I was told no and that if I ask again and keep talking about it we will end up arguing. ??? 
This new account makes sense to me ..then the bills and mortgae are secure in the main account because righ nw I move the money out to a savings account till right before they come out then I move the money back to the main account so the mortgage and bills don't bounce..then im sure it will be there.


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