# anyone have a husband with opposite schedule



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I work weekdays in an office from 8-5. I have a pretty stressful job. My husband works shift work, working 3 weekends a month, with days off during the week. He works until 9 or so about 10 days of the month. In addition, my husband is taking online classes. Due to our opposite schedules and his schooling, we don't get to do much together. 

I have encouraged my husband to find a weekday job, and he's trying somewhat. He gets depressed after sending a few resumes out and not getting calls, though. I remind him that it often takes many resumes being sent out to get hired. He gets down, though, and will stop sending out resumes for a while. Plus, he stays so busy with school and projects around the house that he runs out of time to send out resumes. 

I'm frustrated. I want to spend more time with my husband, and I feel we are drifting apart. We just always seem so busy with work and things that have to be done around the house, as well as his schooling. He's nowhere near being done with school either. I don't think my husband thinks his schedule is any big deal because he's done it so long. I just want him to be available on weekends and holidays, like today. I get tired of spending so much time alone. 

Any suggestions? Do I just wait to see if he can find another job and hope for the future? Do I ask him to stop school, knowing that might be his only hope of finding a better job? I don't want to drift apart any more?

Btw, our kids are grown. We have been married 3 years.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many non-sleep hours a week are the both of you off at the same time?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

It matters on the week and his schedule. Maybe 15 to 20 some weeks. Some weeks more; some less. But he has school during this time, as well as we both have chores and house projects. We bought a house that needed work and we have almost finished all the projects, but there is always something that is breaking here or in the rent house I own (wish I could sell it, but owe too much). 

I have seen you post about couples needing 15 hours a week together. Sometimes we get that; sometimes we don't. But I don't know how to change it, other than him finding another job. I cannot cut back at work, nor can he.
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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

*



anyone have a husband with opposite schedule

Click to expand...

*Yep. Only my husband is out of town 3 nights 4 days during the week, I work every other weekend shift work and take online classes, and we have 3 children still at home with busy schedules too...



> My husband works shift work, working 3 weekends a month, with days off during the week. He works until 9 or so about 10 days of the month. In addition, my husband is taking online classes. Due to our opposite schedules and his schooling, we don't get to do much together.


He can do all his online schoolwork and his house projects during the days when you are at work. You can work on your house projects on weekends when he is at work.

Sounds like 20 days a month he *doesn't* work until 9? You get off at 5. So you plan AHEAD together for couple time on some of those 20 days where your "off time" overlaps. I'd suggest starting with two evenings a week when he is not working. When he gets his schedule, sit down with a calendar and designate the couple time.

15 hours undivided attention sounds heavenly but is unrealistic IME The Policy of Unidivided Attention


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> It matters on the week and his schedule. Maybe 15 to 20 some weeks. Some weeks more; some less. But he has school during this time, as well as we both have chores and house projects. We bought a house that needed work and we have almost finished all the projects, but there is always something that is breaking here or in the rent house I own (wish I could sell it, but owe too much).
> 
> I have seen you post about couples needing 15 hours a week together. Sometimes we get that; sometimes we don't. But I don't know how to change it, other than him finding another job. I cannot cut back at work, nor can he.


Something has to give or your marriage will continue to fall apart.

One thing you can do is hire someone to do a lot of the work around the house. The two of you spend as much of the time that you are both off together.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm a cop and my shift is all over the place. My wife doesn't work outside the home but if her sleep schedule is tampered with, she's a hot mess. I work 1st shift (7-3) for three or four months, then 2nd (3-11pm) for about four months, then 3d (11pm to 7am).


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I am really tired of the house projects in his time off. I've told him to please hire them out, but he refuses. He does a good job on them and is very handy, but I am sooo tired of working on this house. I keep saying that, but he won't listen. I finally convinced him to hire out our weekly mowing, and I'm checking into a house cleaning service once or twice a month. I hate to spend the money, but I make decent money (low 6 figures) so I guess it is ok to do. 

His work and this house have been issues. I wish I could get him to concentrate on finding another job. Our economy is booming here, so that's not an issue.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's not putting your relationship first. YOu need to ask him why it's the last thing on his list.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I know my husband loves me very much. He knows I like a nice house, so I'm sure he thinks he's doing these projects for me. He says he was taught you work on your house yourself; you don't hire out work you can do yourself. Plus, he says he feels like he has to do these projects to do his share, since he makes much less than me. I try nit to make him feel that way, but i know he feels as a man, he should make more. So i think there are a lot of dynamics here.
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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Also, we got ourselves into some debt with doing work on this house. I would never again buy a home needing work! So that caused quite a bit of issues for us too. We are just now getting ourselves out of that debt.
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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

My ex-husband and I had opposite schedules for over 20 years and it was a contributor to our divorce. He is a state correction officer and worked nights for almost his whole career. I'm a high school teacher. He only had a weekend off once every 6 weeks. We did have dinner together every evening and had a few hours after that before he went to work, but I often had schoolwork to do. 

Me having summers off should've helped but he, like your husband, was constantly working outside ... cutting wood, mowing the lawn, and often making up stuff to do it seemed to me.

Sex was only on the weekend that he had off ... and only on the Saturday night because he was too tired on Friday. His idea, not mine.

We drifted apart ... spending hours not talking, him doing his thing and me doing mine. It got to the point that even when we tried to find something in common, something that we both would like to do, we couldn't. I did IC and we did MC together, but it was too late. By then we were roommates and he had no interest in changing anything ... he was the one that said "I think we're done" in a MC session. Nice way for me to find out. 28 years of marriage gone like nothing.

So ... yes, opposite schedules CAN affect your marriage to the point of divorce. 

Since my marriage failed I don't really feel like I have any worthwhile advice to give you ... except to say that you HAVE to find some time to spend together. Could you do a date night on one of his nights off? Even once or twice a month might help.

I just hate to see someone else in this same scenario. I wish you the best of luck in finding your way back to each other.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My BIL and SIL work schedules are probably a big contributor to the crumbling of their marriage. He's a firefighter working 24 hour shifts and she's a nurse working 12 hour shifts. They don't do daycare when she works. She just schedules her work days around his days off so he can be with the kids. They can go weeks without having a day off together. So, really they only have a few hours at night on days he's home to see each other and they still have to deal with kids, homework, dinner and baths before they are actually alone. This has been going on for years and then last year she gave him the ILYBINILWY speech and then confessed in July that she's in love with another man, (a coworker).


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

My husband is LE also and he works nights now. He used to work 3rd shift (2-10) but when our daughter started school, he changed shifts so he could see her. Turns out that was pretty much a joke. He gets home just in time to see her off to school and then stays up for a few hours while I volunteer at the school. By the time I get home, he's asleep. He'll sleep until 6-7 in the evening and by then the kids and I are having dinner, which he is never interested in joining us for, and then it's bath and bed. There's about an hour of time between the kids going to bed and him getting ready for work, but we don't generally spend it together. I go to bed about a half hour before he leaves for work so I can get up with the kids in the morning. I get awfully lonely sometimes, but just throw myself into my hobbies and children.

If his schooling is truly a factor in the time restraints I would wait it out and make the best of the time you have together. Do NOT ask him to quit school. That is beyond selfish and would certainly lead to massive resentment. Down the road his inability to find a career would be blamed on you.
Can you work on the projects together? My H and I had a blast building our home up together. Ironic now given my current circumstance but I'm not trying to threadjack! When he is studying, find a good book to read while just being in the same room. Sounds simple but can have a tremendous impact. 
Have you tried talking to him about feeling lonely and like you are drifting apart? It doesn't sound like schedules are SO crazy that you couldn't find some time together every week. If you are both serious about fixing the problem, it wouldn't be too much work, just have to be dedicated to finding the time together.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Working opposite schedules can be a marriage killer.

I was lucky enough to have come out of the military before I married so we did not have to endure the months of separation that the families of service personnel put up with. However I have worked overseas / away from home as a PMC and as security / safety consultant and the separations / lake of time together was a contributing factor to many of the problems our marriage went through in its early years. 

To try and make things better at home I took a drop in grade that meant I did not have to travel as much but the lower pay meant I had to take a second job until our daughters were old enough for my wife to get back to work part time. This did allow me to have more / quality time with the girls but as my work hours were worked around my off duty we spent very little time as a couple.

As our family has grown and the cost of our mortgage (as a proportion of earnings) has come down we have now got to a situation where I can work mainly Monday – Friday days and with what my wife earns working from home we have enough to be comfortable (not wealthy).

Each family will have to find a balance for themselves between the material pleasures that can be gained by working away / unsocial hours and the emotional strain that that can have on their relationship.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. It is hard, especially when most of the people I know are married to guys with regular schedules. Guess I get jealous.

Aa far as material pursuits, my husband doesn't work this schedule because it pays more. He doesn't have a degree and is working retail. The schedules are not good, but that's what you put up with when working retail. 

I will try to make the best of the time we have and encourage him to get a daytime job. I will continue to discourage house projects that we have to complete ourselves. I hope things get better...sigh.
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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I work weekdays in an office from 8-5. I have a pretty stressful job. My husband works shift work, working 3 weekends a month, with days off during the week. He works until 9 or so about 10 days of the month. In addition, my husband is taking online classes. Due to our opposite schedules and his schooling, we don't get to do much together.
> 
> I have encouraged my husband to find a weekday job, and he's trying somewhat. He gets depressed after sending a few resumes out and not getting calls, though. I remind him that it often takes many resumes being sent out to get hired. He gets down, though, and will stop sending out resumes for a while. Plus, he stays so busy with school and projects around the house that he runs out of time to send out resumes.
> 
> ...



He has got to get on the same shift. Nothing else will work.

Like Mavash, I'm married to a cop (9 years on and this was NOT what he did when we met) and he finally has gotten a day shift. The other shifts just don't fit our lifestyle. If I hated his guts, it would have been fantastic because I would never really see him. As it stands I love my husband and spending time with him is what I look forward to every single day.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

TS, sometimes you have to look at the simple tasks, what they cost, and what your time is worth. For example, refinishing some furniture or doing trim and tile work is expensive and I prefer to do it myself, but getting the lawn mowed is an easy one to outsource. Mine used to take about an hour with our push mower, now I've "contracted" with our neighbor who has a twin blade rider to do it weekly for a case of beer each month It takes him about 10 minutes and I have an extra daylight hour each week I can do something else with, for about $16 a month.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

We do have someone doing yard work for 100 a month. I am looking into a cleaning service. The big projects are the issue there. 

As far as the schedule, I agree; we need to be on the same schedule. I hope he can find a job like that. It hasn't proved to be an easy thing, except for some pretty crappy jobs that wouldn't pay enough and would make him miserable.
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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I'm an 8-5, which is more like a 7-6 with my commute.
My wife works 2-10:30pm and which days is all over the place, so yeah I get it that the opposite schedules thing is crappy.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

7-6 or more with my commute too.
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