# fell *out* of love with significant other?



## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

My wife does the laundry, clean, etc... and says she still loves me (i am not sure why though)but...... What if all the excitement of going out on a date is gone? Every night we just sit without really talking? We have grown apart a million miles.... 

I am struggling with this "bad guy" image that there is something wrong with me because i simply don't feel any more spark, excitement, etc.... I cannot pretend to love her. 

We have tried counseling.... he said I was depressed and needed some mind altering medicine.......

I don't understand how she thinks our life will ever get better... it is torture now.... we are basically roommates that split the bills and really don't have much to say to each other....


----------



## Restless (Jul 6, 2009)

It is absolutely heart breaking to be the "bad guy". I know where you are coming from. My hub is the "good guy". He will stay in our marriage regardless. I am the "bad guy" because I want to be happy instead of safe. And many times I hate myself for not being able to just conform. And other times I hate him because he can do it.


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

In the same boat as well.

You need to do what makes you happy. But, you need to really dig deep and take responsibility for your part in the relationship as it stands at the moment b/c even if you don't see it right now, you will have t shoulder some of the blame. 

That said, you can understand how you both got to where you are, forgive yourself, forgive her.

That process takes forever. Once you are there you need to decide whether to start again, or whether you can't bridge the gap. If you cant you both need to move on. But you need to go through the nessessary process before you can make the right choice or you will forever feel like a friend of mine who says she still harbours immense guilt and second thoughts because she didn't try very hard to rectify it--she just walked away. You don't want or need that in the next phase in your life if it is indeed what you end up doing.

Go through the process.

It is painful, makes you feel like an arsehole, but it is important.

Take care,


----------



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

:iagree:

It seem youre not sold on what the councellor suggested.

You know sometimes those mind altering medicines can make all the difference in the world under the right circumstances.

Perhaps you should talk to your doctor and see what he says.

The two of you are not looking after eachothers needs. Work them out and you might be surprised what you find.

Have either of you read The Five Love Languages?

Its a real eye opener.


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Thanks for agreeing wingman.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am in same boat. DH would hang in here forever....I guess because of WHAT is what I keep thinking...he seems like this is the path he "chose" so he is going to do it hell or high water...I understand commitment, but what about feeling good and happy when you open your eyes each day?

Sometimes I think some spouses just stay and act like all is OK so THEY won't be the one to pull the plug....and it be said that "they quit"....no they wait until the other spouse is beyond miserable...hopeless...have tried everything in the damn book, turned themselves wrong side out and upsidedown trying to make if feel right....

Am just pissy tonight, sorry.


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

My wife "convinced" me I needed mind altering drugs around 2001 and I've hated them from day 1. I'm still trying to get off Celexa. Funny thing about these drugs is that IMO they can help you stay in a bad situation.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

gee...
I read the posts on this thread and maybe there is something wrong with me?
I do NOT expect my spouse to make me happy, as I feel I am responsible for my own happiness.
Long as he treats me well and with kindness and respect, is honest with me and I can trust him... I don't see what all the need is.
I do NOT feel my spouse is supposed to fill all my needs. He is only supposed to be on my side and love me.
I do not require he romance me daily or make me happy. That I can count and depend on him to be my partner and be by my side is enough for me.
I just don't get all the expectations the spouse must fill that I read in these posts. 
I am responsible for my own happiness. I wouldn't like it very much if he expected me to "make him happy"... thats not my job. My job is to be his partner, not his entertainment.

I don't get this post.
If your spouse is hurting you by cheating, stealing from you, lying to you, you can leave them as that is not a marriage.
If they are a good partner to you, why put all that pressure on them to "make you happy"...
thats not how relationships work.


----------



## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

like posted above, it would be great to open my eyes and WANT to hang out out with that person. WANT to tell them stuff, WANT to go places with them. Enjoy their company. have pleasant conversations, etc....

Unfort my wife and I do not click any more and each day I struggle to find anything to say, do, etc... 

Not to sound jerky but you sound just like my wife. I want more out of life than to just "survive" together. Different strokes, different needs...?



preso said:


> gee...
> I read the posts on this thread and maybe there is something wrong with me?
> I do NOT expect my spouse to make me happy, as I feel I am responsible for my own happiness.
> Long as he treats me well and with kindness and respect, is honest with me and I can trust him... I don't see what all the need is.
> ...


----------



## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I attempted 2 different drugs a few months ago (prozac and zoloft) that did nothing but kept me awake all night..... 

It seems like what you said is correct... if they would work properly for me, it would help me stay in a situation that I really don't want to be in...




D8zed said:


> My wife "convinced" me I needed mind altering drugs around 2001 and I've hated them from day 1. I'm still trying to get off Celexa. Funny thing about these drugs is that IMO they can help you stay in a bad situation.


----------



## Zenocrate (Jul 15, 2009)

I'm so glad I stumbled onto this forum -- I really thought there ws something fundamentally wrong w/ me since by every measuring stick I knew, my DH was a fantastic husband. But what about passion? Or no, not even passion -- interest! He's not interested in me, I'm not interested in him. It's just dead. No fights, no anger, no fault. We're just room mates w/ nothing in common. But he'd never leave, not in a million years. So I feel/felt like the bad guy for considering it. But I see I'm not alone.


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Again, you just described my situation as well - It's just dead. No fights, no anger, no fault. We're just room mates w/ nothing in common.

My wife said she does not believe in divorce and she will not be the one responsible for getting one. So, I too will look like the bad guy and she has already told her family "he's divorcing me".


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Regarding 'mind altering drugs' I have just started on Lexapro. It is helping me because I became pretty darn depressed through all of this.

I am still trying to consider working it out... but I drink wine, a glass or two, sometimes three, a lot of nights, and still wake up sad in the morning.

And my great H loves me and wants it to work. And for all intents and purposes, he is a good husband.

So whatayado? Is this normal? I don't know. I feel there is more out there. The 'clicking' thing is a huge concern of mine.

But I look at friends who have had huge issues and overcome them.

Yeah, so I am the bad guy. H's mum thinks we love each other and are made for each other and need to work it out.

My family dont understand why I havent ended it already.

It all comes down to the courage to start again for all of us. We can find it, and do it, or work on making what we have better. And, make them work on it too.

It is a hard coin to toss, feels like a roll of the dice. Feels like both choices could work out well.

I know in my gut that I made a mistake marrying him, BUT life moves in mysterious ways and we have built a life together. Should we just work on fixing it?

Passion and Love? That's another matter. I can happily snuggle with H. Sex? Sometimes great, a lot of the times, blah.

It is a choice not many have the courage to make. I just don't know why he is putting up with my indicision for so long. If I were him, I'd be furious by now and asking for answers and giving an ultimatum. But H? No, he would live in this limbo life forever, I'm sure.


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

D8zed said:


> My wife "convinced" me I needed mind altering drugs around 2001 and I've hated them from day 1. I'm still trying to get off Celexa. Funny thing about these drugs is that IMO they can help you stay in a bad situation.


That may be true, but if you're kind of stuck somewhere you don't really want to be, those drugs can help you cope with it until you can get out. But I see what you're saying and you gave me something to REALLY think about.


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

BTW, I'm down to 10mg of Celexa every other day as I continue to wean (or ween?) myself off. I also ordered Deprex as a backup in case the brain zaps and headaches become too intense.


----------



## HELP ME. (Jun 10, 2009)

I am now trying Lexapro..... i tried Cimbalta which made my heart race...... Like you said, hopefully this is just a temporary thing on the mental medicine so i can get through when I can hopefully move out..... i was really starting to dwell on it and it was bothering me..... hopefully the Lexapro works.... blaaaaa.



easysilence said:


> That may be true, but if you're kind of stuck somewhere you don't really want to be, those drugs can help you cope with it until you can get out. But I see what you're saying and you gave me something to REALLY think about.


----------



## d346 (Aug 4, 2009)

HELP ME. said:


> Unfort my wife and I do not click any more and each day I struggle to find anything to say, do, etc...
> 
> Not to sound jerky but you sound just like my wife. I want more out of life than to just "survive" together. Different strokes, different needs...?


Count me in. I care for my wife, but it doesn't feel like she has any goals (except to be close to her family). If I didn't have a 5yo son with her, I probably would have left 5 years ago.

It's so damn confusing though; because I still really care for her but thinking of spending the rest of my life with her mood-swings and bad attitude has turned me into someone I don't even know anymore. I'm happier away from her, but miserable away from my kid. :scratchhead:


----------

