# Should I stay or should I go?



## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

I got married at the young age of 18. Fast forward 18 years now I'm 36. Anyways late summer last year I found out about my husband's porn use. He has used it since the beginning of our marriage. There has been times when we was not intimate. However there was more times we were. Last summer was when I found out that he had been using porn since the beginning but it was around the time of my dad's death. The year before that my grandpa died. During the time of Both these deaths he was distant and seemed as youd say off in the left field. I pretty much had to console myself. 
Once again ill say I'm not into porn and I know some people are and thats ok. However once I found out about it I lost 15 lbs in a month. Stopped eating, not much sleep, secluded myself from everyone. Off and on since last summer he said he stopped using it. Found out at Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years he was still looking and porn and getting off to it. As far as I know the last time was in late February he seen how much hurt it costed me crying. Not eating not sleeping and still kept on until I've pretty much give up on us. 
Can a man still love you even costing you repeated hurt and pain and still love you? Should I stay or should I go?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I got married at the young age of 18. Fast forward 18 years now I'm 36. Anyways late summer last year I found out about my husband's porn use. He has used it since the beginning of our marriage. There has been times when we was not intimate. However there was more times we were. Last summer was when I found out that he had been using porn since the beginning but it was around the time of my dad's death. The year before that my grandpa died. During the time of Both these deaths he was distant and seemed as youd say off in the left field. I pretty much had to console myself.
> Once again ill say I'm not into porn and I know some people are and thats ok. However once I found out about it I lost 15 lbs in a month. Stopped eating, not much sleep, secluded myself from everyone. Off and on since last summer he said he stopped using it. Found out at Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years he was still looking and porn and getting off to it. As far as I know the last time was in late February he seen how much hurt it costed me crying. Not eating not sleeping and still kept on until I've pretty much give up on us.
> Can a man still love you even costing you repeated hurt and pain and still love you? Should I stay or should I go?


A lady I used to know had a husband like that who had watched porn for many years. One day she had simply had enough and was ready to leave. She gave him an ultimatum, her or the porn and he knew she was ready to leave. Guess what, he stopped.
You have to mean it though. 
Does he know you are thinking of leaving? 
If he stops then you could agree to put porn blockers on his phone/computer etc. 
Personally I would never put up with it and the lying and deception for all these years as well is troubling.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You don't like porn. He does. Whether that point is worth throwing an 18 year marriage only you can answer. 

Porn doesn't bother me. It's a non-issue but I'm not you. If you are so upset that you can't eat or sleep, you have to address the issue.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s hard to give advice in this. He’s been doing it the entire marriage, likely when you were dating. Yet you married him. I point that out because though you didn’t know, it seems the porn watching didn’t affect other areas of his life.
This really, really bothers you. I agree that porn is a bad thing, but I disagree on some people’s ideas that it’s cheating and that it causes a person to compare their spouse, etc.

Honestly, your husband is unlikely to stop. If it’s bothering you this bad, you probably should divorce. You’re not likely to be able to deal with his porn use. I’d say alcohol, porn, tobacco—— all that crap is fairly common. Doesn’t make it right or tolerable.

wish there was a way to help. Sorry


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I got married at the young age of 18. Fast forward 18 years now I'm 36. Anyways late summer last year I found out about my husband's porn use. He has used it since the beginning of our marriage. There has been times when we was not intimate. However there was more times we were. Last summer was when I found out that he had been using porn since the beginning but it was around the time of my dad's death. The year before that my grandpa died. During the time of Both these deaths he was distant and seemed as youd say off in the left field. I pretty much had to console myself.
> Once again ill say I'm not into porn and I know some people are and thats ok. However once I found out about it I lost 15 lbs in a month. Stopped eating, not much sleep, secluded myself from everyone. Off and on since last summer he said he stopped using it. Found out at Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years he was still looking and porn and getting off to it. As far as I know the last time was in late February he seen how much hurt it costed me crying. Not eating not sleeping and still kept on until I've pretty much give up on us.
> *Can a man still love you even costing you repeated hurt and pain and still love you?* Should I stay or should I go?


No. He neither loves nor respects you, nor does he want you sexually because there is no way to compete with 22-year-old nipped and tucked coked up porn stars. If he’s still doing it and doesn’t care about your feelings, there is nothing to save. You deserve so much more than to be a wife appliance. Some things are worse than being alone, and being someone’s consolation prize and personal servant is much worse than being alone. You married VERY young, and he likely did that on purpose so he could “train” you to believe you don’t matter. Don’t bother with him. Get your affairs in order quietly and then one day pack and leave. There’s nothing to save here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If he had been doing it for 18 years and you didn’t know, then it’s kind of hard to say that it was hurting you much. 

Now that you know, if it’s something you can’t live with and something that you can no longer respect him or you feel disgusted by him, then I guess that’s where you are now.

Only you can determine if you can remain with him or not. 

When people used to ask the late advice columnist Ann Landers whether they should stay or go, here answer was always, “are you better off with him or without him.”

Only you have the answer to that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How he may love you isn‘t necessarily the same as how you may love him. That tends to be true for everyone. He would probably say, yes, he loves you and doesn’t mean to hurt you but … you know. The problem is that lies erode trust and when you lose trust you lose respect. This would be a dealbreaker for some but not for others. My experience was that my husband continued to lie about many things — despite more than a few discussions over decades — the entire time we were married. I’m very happy to be divorced. You may or may not be. It’s up to you.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If he had been doing it for 18 years and you didn’t know, then it’s kind of hard to say that it was hurting you much.
> 
> Now that you know, if it’s something you can’t live with and something that you can no longer respect him or you feel disgusted by him, then I guess that’s where you are now.
> 
> ...


I can honestly say that I did not know up until last summer. He was really good at hiding it.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> A lady I used to know had a husband like that who had watched porn for many years. One day she had simply had enough and was ready to leave. She gave him an ultimatum, her or the porn and he knew she was ready to leave. Guess what, he stopped.
> You have to mean it though.
> Does he know you are thinking of leaving?
> If he stops then you could agree to put porn blockers on his phone/computer etc.
> Personally I would never put up with it and the lying and deception for all these years as well is troubling.


Yes he knows because I've told him.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> How he may love you isn‘t necessarily the same as how you may love him. That tends to be true for everyone. He would probably say, yes, he loves you and doesn’t mean to hurt you but … you know. The problem is that lies erode trust and when you lose trust you lose respect. This would be a dealbreaker for some but not for others. My experience was that my husband continued to lie about many things — despite more than a few discussions over decades — the entire time we were married. I’m very happy to be divorced. You may or may not be. It’s up to you.


Excellent advice I never thought about it from that point of view


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I can honestly say that I did not know up until last summer. He was really good at hiding it.


So basically he married you under false pretences.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So basically he married you under false pretences.


Yes I feel like I've wasted my life away


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Yes I feel like I've wasted my life away


You're still very young. I know you may not feel that way — I certainly didn’t when I was your age with a teenager to deal with — but, believe me, you are.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i personally think it would be a phenomenal mistake to abandon such a long marriage due to your husband using some porn. Have you really thought thru what life would be like on your own? Is this possibly just a midlife crisis that may pass in a few months?

Most men are uncomfortable when someone they know dies...they just want to get the funeral over and forget about it. It certainly has nothing to do with Porn use. it is not disrespect....they just have no way to process the deaths.

Some women take that porn use to add spice back into their marriage's sex life. like they look at what sort of porn husband is watching, and bring those same sex acts into the bedroom. That short circuits his need to keep watching it.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> i personally think it would be a phenomenal mistake to abandon such a long marriage due to your husband using some porn. Have you really thought thru what life would be like on your own? Is this possibly just a midlife crisis that may pass in a few months?
> 
> Most men are uncomfortable when someone they know dies...they just want to get the funeral over and forget about it. It certainly has nothing to do with Porn use. it is not disrespect....they just have no way to process the deaths.
> 
> Some women take that porn use to add spice back into their marriage's sex life. like they look at what sort of porn husband is watching, and bring those same sex acts into the bedroom. That short circuits his need to keep watching it.


Porn is against my religious beliefs. When someone you love dies your spouse is suppose to be there fully for you just like I was him. I have thought thru how life would be like and I think it would beonelt but I would have peace of mind. There is a big difference on our age also so he's passed his midlife crisis


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

From what you are saying and your beliefs, I'm not sure why you are still with this liar. You are clearly incompatible.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> Some women take that porn use to add spice back into their marriage's sex life. like they look at what sort of porn husband is watching, and bring those same sex acts into the bedroom. That short circuits his need to keep watching it.


Wow. That last line is total BS. 

Did you even read this part:



thatgirl1999 said:


> As far as I know the last time was in late February he seen how much hurt it costed me crying. Not eating not sleeping and still kept on until I've pretty much give up on us.
> Can a man still love you even costing you repeated hurt and pain and still love you? Should I stay or should I go?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Yes I feel like I've wasted my life away


Stop with the catastrophic thinking. You haven't wasted your life. Yes, you are hurt & upset. You feel betrayed but there were good times in here too. It was not a waste. 



thatgirl1999 said:


> Porn is against my religious beliefs.


Forgiveness is a big part of most religions. Understand that the most powerful human drive is self preservation. The second most powerful is the sexual drive. Knowing that, be a tad more compassionate to your husband the guy you took vows before God to love & cherish FOREVER. Remember -- 'til death do us part & all that. You can't invoke God & religion only when it suits you. You must do it especially when it's hard. 

Talk to your spiritual advisor individually & pray for guidance Then talk with that spiritual advisor and your husband. See where that gets you


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Porn is against my religious beliefs. When someone you love dies your spouse is suppose to be there fully for you just like I was him. I have thought thru how life would be like and I think it would beonelt but I would have peace of mind. There is a big difference on our age also so he's passed his midlife crisis


Well, he went to the funeral. He probably thought, like many guys might, that his grieving was over at that point.

i am not saying that your way to grieve is not right...i am just saying that guys handle it differently. if you expect him to act just as you do, you will be disappointed.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m sorry with what you’re going through. All modern men run into porn when young so not sure you can blame him for that. Porn is literally at a man’s fingertips for 24 hours of every day. However, you certainly can blame him for the lies and especially for persisting in these lies…. All men need to take up the fight to root it out of their lives. Would you forgive him if he were sorry and willingly would give up his smart phone (for a flip phone) and never again have the privilege of private computer access?

Something you should consider when trying to forgive him is that he may have fallen into this dirty habit when young and just never was able to break free from it. Men are different than women and that is why men frequently struggle with porn while women don’t. Best wishes and so sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thatgirl1999 said:


> _*He has used it since the beginning of our marriage. *_


I hate to tell you, but he's been using porn probably ever since he figured out how to find the free stuff on PornHub back when he was in grammar school.

*



Off and on since last summer he said he stopped using it.

Click to expand...

*No he didn't.

*



Found out at Thanksgiving, Christmas and new years he was still looking and porn and getting off to it.

Click to expand...

*Of course he was. He's just going to work much, much harder to hide it from you, is all.

I'm just being honest.

*



As far as I know the last time was in late February he seen how much hurt it costed me crying. Not eating not sleeping and still kept on until I've pretty much give up on us.
Can a man still love you even costing you repeated hurt and pain and still love you? Should I stay or should I go?

Click to expand...

*You're actually going through all of this because you discovered he watches porn? One of your biggest problems is making this ALL ABOUT YOU. How did something *he's *been doing for over 20 years become the all about YOU show? Again, I'm just being honest. How is this suddenly all about you?

*



Yes I feel like I've wasted my life away

Click to expand...

*I'm the last one on any message board to give such cliche advice, but I'm going to break my own rules. Please get some professional help.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Yes I feel like I've wasted my life away


Just to play devil's advocate (I'm not pro porn) so the marriage has been horrible for 18yrs?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Yes I feel like I've wasted my life away


Lord!!!!!! proof that religious indoctrination can be as bad as porn addiction. 

mankind (men and women) from day one, even before religions were invented have been mastubating to all types of visual images, from drawings to the latests 4K videos. Masturbation is not a sin, watching and masturbating to a porn video is not a sin, you want to believe it is, but there's not such thing as a sin, just what we morally can accept or not. Has his porn usage affected your sexual intimacy with him? has his porn usage prevented him from having sex with you? if yes, then you have all the right to be upset. If not, where is the damage other than you opposing to him mastubating to porn? men masturbate to release stress, that's not a sin? men using visual aids like porn does not in any way make them compare the images of the women in the film to their partners, or make them lose their love and affection and respect to their woman. It's just an aid to get off, nothing else, unless, it has become such a habit, that is already interfering with their sexual life with their partner.


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