# Settling/Nomadism



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

There's one thing very different about the missus and I and although not a big issue at moment it is a recurring one. Throughout my life I've always been somewhat of a nomad, I've lost count of the places I've stayed and always kept moving. The missus however has lived and grew up in one place all her life, she travelled overseas for holidays etc sure but she always had a home to come back to. For me, following a somewhat family tradition, my home is where I choose to take it. My mentality is different.

At the moment I'm thinking of selling our house and moving to a much better area due to the current social climate, we've discussed this issue before many times but it's not going anywhere. And she's not always in the mood to sit in the car for 45 minutes to under 2 hrs just to get to a place where we won't get stared at everywhere we go. However she feels that she has settled in this area and doesn't want us to move. She dismisses my feelings in regards to this issue, and thinks that I'm letting outside influence dictate how we should act or where we should live. We're not getting anywhere in our discussions.

At the same time she's not happy about me hiding our relationship from public eye, and I'm not happy that she doesn't even want to consider moving. She's settled in, and fears change. Me, I would welcome it. I don't know what to do at present.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RandomDude said:


> At the same time she's not happy about me hiding our relationship from public eye


I havent read many of your other posts so perhaps you've explained this elsewhere, but are you saying that you dont tell other people that you're married to her?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

With friends and family we're fine, on the street I don't like walking close to her giving others the impression that we're together and we sure as hell don't hold each other in public and I hate it when she makes an advance. Further into the city it's better, people just don't give a sh-t. Living here however in a more "rural" and less "multicultural" setting... problems.

I wrote about this here (during our last fight - which we've reconciled since then, but this particular issue still remains):
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...62-when-society-doesnt-want-you-together.html

I didn't get many answers on it, and a part of me is somewhat content with just leaving this issue on the backburner but I've left so many issues on the backburner over the last 2 years and all it erupted on christmas day. There has to be a way to deal with this, at the moment, I'm looking for advice how to convince the missus that we have to freakin' move.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I am assuming right now you are at a stage of just "talking about it and disagreeing".

How about going out and just for fun see a couple of places you might be interested in moving in? Just for fun, you know, without any pressure, no obligations. It might get her excited about the idea, about the newness.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well you have to consider the catch-22 you're setting up by trying to get her to move right now. you may well get her to do it but you'll pay for it. she'll be miserable and she'll take it out on you. you're relationship is very rocky and this move will only exacerbate things. dont put off needing to move, only wait until your foundation is a little more solid.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> How about going out and just for fun see a couple of places you might be interested in moving in? Just for fun, you know, without any pressure, no obligations. It might get her excited about the idea, about the newness.


Hmmm, that's actually a very good idea!
Besides I'm closed until next week anyway, good way to pass the time too.



> well you have to consider the catch-22 you're setting up by trying to get her to move right now. you may well get her to do it but you'll pay for it. she'll be miserable and she'll take it out on you. you're relationship is very rocky and this move will only exacerbate things. dont put off needing to move, only wait until your foundation is a little more solid.


Waiting will just let this current issue fester (like all our other issues before), we're rocky yes, but leaving this issue unattended will only make it worse.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think the idea of looking at new places (just for "fun", of course) is a great idea. She might find something she falls in love with and will be pushing YOU to move!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I think the idea of looking at new places (just for "fun", of course) is a great idea. She might find something she falls in love with and will be pushing YOU to move!


Thanks for the encouragement, it really is a good idea eh? :smthumbup:


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

well....you can only agree to disagree for so long til it starts getting into every other aspect of your daily life..bah

one thing that might work in settling these differences is considering what's best for your kids, granted you plan on having any even on the long run.

i can't see why Dudette doesn't like the idea of moving to a place where every one of your nagging problem gets even a little easier. she married you didn't she? =D change is an inevitability, and most fun with a significant other. i say do whatever it takes to keep that world you two have together intact. things can only break you when they drive you apart, right?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's too settled in and comfortable... I took her out checking out some places I saw on the windows of the real estate offices but it was only drive-bys for now. She's not interested and thinks I'm "making excuses" avoiding the issue and that I'm the one "paranoid" and the problem is ALL me...

It took a lot of restraint not to let her stubborness escalate into another fight - hell we just came out of a really big one too (4-day seperation) and I like to spread out our fights somewhat. We were in a lovey dovey mood before yesterday. I really don't know what to do except keep trying dragging her out to look at houses.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Dude, let go of this issue then, nothing bad has happened, don't let unknown future destroy your present. It is OK to be cautious, but worrying too much is not healthy! 

Maybe at the present focus more on building up your marriage, when the love between you and your wife is strong, then talk about other issues.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can't because we were on a lovey dovey mood rebuilding our marriage and boom this problem hit us again and now we're back to "agreeing to disagree" though at least no major fights this time (I don't think we can afford another fight considering xmas day incident)

Hell a part of me somewhat wishes that she never came back to me after our 4-day seperation. Life would be so much simpler.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Dude, 

If I am right, this time you started all this. 

Please don't blame your wife for your insecurity issues!

I a kind of sensed that you have a lot of insecurity issues because of the way you grow up!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I know how the streets move, I know how dangerous it can get in the world, I wouldn't call it insecurity, I would call it my experience. Though the missus reckons it's my paranoia sure, but she's never been there.

I'm hiding our relationship from public because standing up for ourselves against a whole neighbourhood is just plain stupid. Law low, stay out of trouble, best way to defend ourselves and our daughter. Besides she seems to have forgotten I can't afford anymore physical confrontations with so many stupid assault/grievous bodily harm charges under my name who the hell you reckon the courts are going to favor?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Dude, 

We have goals, short term goal, mid term goal, long term goal, 

Set up your goals, 

Right now your short term goal is to build up your relationship, it is still fragile, don't do anything else to ruin it. 

Looking for a different place to live can be your mid term goal. 

Your life term goal is to have a happy marriage!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Reason with your wife when she is more mature. 

And some people do need a lesson to change their mind!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How can I build it up when she's hurt over me hiding us from public and rejecting public affection YET doesn't want to move?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> How can I build it up when she's hurt over me hiding us from public and rejecting public affection YET doesn't want to move?


Then try not to hide it once, if I may suggest. Just don't be too showy and ****y! 

Try it once, satisfy her, and you might be able to overcome your fear. 

The worst thing might happen, then it is a lesson for her to learn.

Or if you want to play games, hire some of your friends and pretend to be gangsters. Let them beat you up when she is around!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Even holding freakin' hands makes the neighbourhood give us the "looks"! =/



> The worst thing might happen, then it is a lesson for her to learn.


So me going to jail is an acceptable lesson? Or if the worse case, have my arms/legs broken - can't work, while she gets raped - is an ACCEPTABLE lesson? No, not risking it.



> Or if you want to play games, hire some of your friends and pretend to be gangsters. Let them beat you up when she is around!


:rofl:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Meh looks like there's nothing we can do...

Guess I'll just have to keep trying to get her to like a new house


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Dude,

I have learned, we have to be patient, we can't expect our problems to be solved right away, there is not quick way. 

Sometimes our problem may never get solved, then we just have to accept it and live with it. Like I can't be near my home and my family, I miss my mother, I feel bad that I can't be there looking after her now she is old! But there is nothing I can do, I have to live with it! I can only focus on other things, then it helps me achieve peace!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Meh looks like there's nothing we can do...
> 
> Guess I'll just have to keep trying to get her to like a new house


Yes, but tactfully, and don't rush!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Think the missus needs to learn that more then me in this current situation. Serves me right for marrying a stubborn woman.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Think the missus needs to learn that more then me in this current situation. Serves me right for marrying a stubborn woman.


You do love her a lot! 

Hey, at least your sex life is great! 

I am not as naughty as your missus!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If we weren't married and if we didn't have a daughter things would be better, but too late to change the past, and I can't blame my daughter for any of this. It's just... bleh

I don't know anymore, I'm just sick of this world


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> If we weren't married and if we didn't have a daughter things would be better, but too late to change the past, and I can't blame my daughter for any of this. It's just... bleh
> 
> I don't know anymore, I'm just sick of this world


This is a dirty world. What is happening around us is disappointing. People around us are disappointing and complicated. 

But what can we do? Nothing, except being blind, deaf, and mute!

I am disappointed with this world too. People who I used to trust hurt me the most, people who I used to want to love hurt me the most. 

Now I just live my own life, I am glad that my world has my loving husband in it! 

Some people are in a even worse situation, they don't even have a spouse who they can trust!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, they also don't have a spouse who is stubborn as steel to the point only way to get her to listen sometimes is to melt her down - which I did, and hurt both of us. Melting her down in a suave way ain't going to work either since the issue in question is public affection.

How come ever since last month everything is just all over the place?!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I don't know how it works in your country regarding real estate agents. Here he doesn't get paid, unless and until you buy.

So if I were you, I'd contact an agent. I would tell your wife that we would be just window shopping, browsing, just to see what's available out there. Let's just SEE, maybe your wife is right, maybe it is not a question of where you live, maybe it is a question of your paranoia ("feed" it to her like that). See the places as in enter them, see the inside, stay for half an hour, take pictures (to view them later at home). After that, when the agent leaves, walk around the neighborhood for some time (hug and kiss her, see the reaction of people around you, see if she notices the difference in not only you in public, but also other people's), find a place for dinner there. Make this whole enterprise into a date, something relaxing. Don't pressure her into any kind of decisions during dinner. Ask only the "open questions", not the "yes/no" kind. Like "So what did you think of that particular place?" or "Remember that corner in the living room? I think it would be pretty cool to make a small hole in the wall, make it into a kind of a shelf, put a spot light underneath so that whatever we put there, say a vase, it would really light up that corner? What do you think?". Try awakening in her the sense of aesthetics, the sense of adventure, how she would redesign the place. Remember, all this is just for fun, so keep the conversation light. At the end of the dinner ask her when she would be free to repeat the experience? Is next Tuesday OK? (<- that would be the only "closed question" of the evening, have another viewing of another place in mind already).

The whole experience is designed ONLY for her opening her mind/warming up to the possibilities, NOT to force her into any decisions.

At home, upload the pics to the computer and let her have access to them. You will know she is opening up to the idea, when she starts viewing those pictures by herself.

Oh, this just popped into my mind: leave a couple of home decor magazines lying around on the coffee table.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I have to open up shop again soon - so we won't have much time left before it's back to work. You have good ideas, don't know if it'll work but worth a try. It might already be too soon to try that however, considering she's already alert of my intentions... meh not many options however.

I was thinking about risking it all just this once and cope with the racist public and then once home turn to her cold just to make her realise that I did it just to make her happy at my own expense and hopefully she'll meet me halfway and apologise for her one-sided mentality but no guarantees and if anything ever happens... meh

So much easier when I was young, had nothing to lose, rather half-suicidal before, now with responsibility and my daughter I'm very cautious and careful. But the neighbourhood is clueless at the moment, word may go around but perhaps just this once treating her as my wife in public might not cause too much trouble, I don't know. Not like I'm going to carry it on coping with the heat all the time right? Just for one day... what you think?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I don't know what to tell you. You scared me sh-tless with that mobbing.

It might be a good idea the let the cat out of the bag with the neighbors. It might let her see that what you are worried about is true. Or it might come up that the neighbors would be supportive.

It's all about benefit-to-risk ratio.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Our neighbours ARE supportive and they understand the situation very well, but they can't change a thing. They can't change the rest of them in town, and definitely not this gang rolling about praising Pauline Hanson and "White Australia" and other random "Aryan-wannabes".

The risk is there but it's always been there. There would have been no problem as long as I didn't "steal one of their women" which is rather stupid because she's not even "their woman" in the first place. Heck and I thought "stealing" a Lebanese girl years ago was bad enough (which I actually got mobbed for by her family and managed to get injured). What's with this "our women" BS?

Either way I don't know, might go out armed with a chain just in case. Or I can fart prayers to her almighty god who she believes protects us... seriously sometimes I reckon her religion keeps her ignorant and blissful.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

If the neighbors know and are supportive and you are worried about some random dudes passing you by in your neighborhood I'd say the risk is relatively low. Try it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, gotta stop worrying about what may happen and just do what I have to do, only one day - and if this works we'll be out of the neighborhood for good anyways. Have to make sure our daughter doesn't come however. Ok it's decided, I'm going to do it. Wish me luck...


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)




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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

i dont know dude, you're talking like you're the only one who cares about your family. do you really believe that's the case? i mean if she actually feels safe enough for her little girl, motherly instincts and all, wouldn't it be okay to go along with her for a while? spend some quality time indoors, make better use of this time with your family that youre spending worrying and stressing yourself out. maybe if you have more fun with the wifey for a few days it'll provide a good starting point to build up a stronger relationship and she might even trust you more and consider the options you're giving her more intently. you both need to get your minds off this for a whie anyway right? take it easy.
and maybe her faith isn't useless if it's giving her some security. best of luck changing her mind, one pleasant day at a time? (a)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... today went rather stupid...

Nothing happened, either then the expected evils and stares, but when we got home I told her that I did it for her to be happy out of my own expense, hoping that she'll meet me halfway. But unfortunately now for some reason she's even more convinced that it IS my paranoia and she's happy thinking that I'm overcoming it for her... -.-

I risked it for a day because I realised one day while everyone is still recovering from New Years would hold low risk, but it looks like nothing happened according to plan... hell should have just stuck to the moving plan.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Just going to see one apartment in order to make her warm up to the idea of moving is not going to cut it.

Same with your plan. Try it a few more times. In your neighborhood. Might be there won't be much too it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This crew (or even crews maybe) in town has done much more then just simple harassment of IR couples, a friend also told me of one case where a bloke got stabbed when he stood up for himself while they threatened to rape his gf etc. One day is fine, continually risking ourselves is not an option.

Either way if any confrontation happens I would lose, either I get injured or I go to jail - the courts are just itching for one more display of violence on my part even in self defense to put me behind bars due to my record. It's always been a problem and years ago way before marriage I've never got a security license because of it, had to do sales instead to pay my rent back in the day.

I'm tired of the missus' stubbornness and refusal to see things on my side. Think I'm just going to let this issue fester until she wakes up, opening up shop soon anyway I can just forget about dealing with her for a while.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I can just forget about dealing with her for a while.


Meh, again?  Not about all the other issues you've got piled up, I hope.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well that woman has a habit of driving me to my "meh" stage...
I'm starting to realise our 4-day seperation was too short, should have pushed it to a month like was suggested on another section.

Bleh forget it... nvm


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