# What to make of wife's bad-mouthing



## Dominic (Nov 1, 2011)

Sorry to start another pity-party, everyone. I'm not sure what to make of this -- I've frequently complained to my wife that her criticism is "harsh, negative, and without restraint." I use the same words over and over again, because 1) it's true, and 2) I think it'll eventually sink in.

3wks ago, I overheard her talking to her father on the phone. She told him how "socially inept" and "geeky" I was. She also went into detail on how she's tried to get ex-boyfriends to dump her by treating them very badly...yet they never left. I don't know if she included me in this or not, but one could make a case with her behavior over the years. The next day, I let her know that I heard everything she said, and was offended by it.

A few nights later, she apologized for it...and for all the years of treating me the way she has. She said that I am the "pillar of the family, and that everything I do is for her and the kids."

Now, just a week ago, I overheard her again, bad-mouthing me over the phone to her mother. I was actually sitting RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER when she said all this, and it still didn't stop her.

I have let her know over the years that her criticism and bad-mouthing has made me less open/out-going in her presence. I have also let her know that I am deeply offended and heart-broken that this continues to happen.

I'm curious...does this sound normal? I just don't know what I might have done to disapppoint her so much...besides burn a few dinners, take a little longer to finish projects. I love my family, but when I see how other wives light-up & praise their husbands, i really start to think there's something wrong here.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Dominic said:


> Sorry to start another pity-party, everyone. I'm not sure what to make of this -- I've frequently complained to my wife that her criticism is "harsh, negative, and without restraint." I use the same words over and over again, because 1) it's true, and 2) I think it'll eventually sink in.
> 
> 3wks ago, I overheard her talking to her father on the phone. She told him how "socially inept" and "geeky" I was. She also went into detail on how she's tried to get ex-boyfriends to dump her by treating them very badly...yet they never left. I don't know if she included me in this or not, but one could make a case with her behavior over the years. The next day, I let her know that I heard everything she said, and was offended by it.
> 
> ...




Stop being offended and hurt. She's telling you you're geeky and waiting for you to stand up for yourself. Do it.


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## Dominic (Nov 1, 2011)

You're probably right Kobo, but I'm not sure how to do that & have it be productive. Any advice? ...and keep in mind there are kids present. By the way, I appreciate your honesty.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Dominic said:


> You're probably right Kobo, but I'm not sure how to do that & have it be productive. Any advice? ...and keep in mind there are kids present. By the way, I appreciate your honesty.


You have to set boundaries with consequences that you can enforce and live with.

You to wife: "Speaking of me in this way to friends and family is not acceptable. Next time I hear this - or somebody tells me that you said that - the following will happen:"

And, depending on your level of investment in the issue, the consequence could be:

"You're sleeping on the couch until you apologize."
"You can go live with your parents/extended family until you apologize."
"You will attend marriage counseling with me to get at the root of your issues with the relationship."
"I am going to a strip club, where the women are more likely to appreciate me."

or pick some other consequence. In short, if you don't want her to do this, you have to tell her and enforce and negative consequence if it does happen. Stand up for yourself.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

My wife does this kind of stuff, mostly without thinking. She actually believes it's OK because in her mind, it's a fact like the outside temperature. Like yourself, I let her know that I do not particularly like her saying these things, but I do this is a slightly different fashion. 

Rather than describing or commenting on her communication, I share my feelings of sadness and hurt that surface when she speaks like this. At the most, I repeat back what I think I heard her say, if she asks. Then I drop the subject. I don't connect my current feelings to anything that has happened in the past. And I never comment on anything that happened more than 24 hours ago.

Like yourself, sometimes there are kids present when this happens. I personally think that it is a very good example for the kids to see their parents work out a minor disagreement in a healthy way. No one is perfect so sometimes my wife says things I take exception to as I sure I sometime do to her. When I say "You know, I feel bad when you say things like this about my social competency" and she says "Oh, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean anything by it" I think it's a good learning example for the kids


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dominic said:


> *You're probably right Kobo, but I'm not sure how to do that & have it be productive. Any advice? ...and keep in mind there are kids present. By the way, I appreciate your honesty*.


This is all too Beta. The kids are a double edged sword. No you do not want to argue with her in fromt of them but then again their mother is disrespecting you in front of them. You can certainly stand up for yourself and correct her in front of them. So you need to be a strong father with boundaries. You need to be more Alpha period. Your kids do not want to see their father humiliated or belittled / trivialized. It has bad consequences in their future relationships. A son needs to see an example of how he needs to be. 

See Married Man Sex Life

Also look into the men's area on being a Nice Guy.

Me, I would would say in a stern voice but not yelling that I do not appreciate those comments. Yes I would interrupt her on the phone. Then in private I would tell her to never disrespect me in front of my children again. That this is unacceptable to you and you will not put up with it.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

If you were dating, would she be critical and disrespectful? Marriage is more than sharing a house, kids and bills. It's one thing to be comfortable with each other and for a wife to give you a good kick in the rump about a bad habit or laziness. A person who cares about you should do that. But if there is criticism to the point she is really demonizing you, then you have a serious problem. People who think they want out of the marriage or who are having EAs or PAs frequently demonize. What are her insecurities? What needs has she decided you don't fulfill and will never be able to fill? Does she have toxic friends filling her head and commiserating with her? Her "reasons" for not respecting you will be the same you can read in a lot of posts. The reasons will all be your fault. You can't reason with someone who doesn't respect you. Be all you can be. I hope she grows up and gets out of the fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Dominic said:


> You're probably right Kobo, but I'm not sure how to do that & have it be productive. Any advice? ...and keep in mind there are kids present. By the way, I appreciate your honesty.



The first thing you have to do is deal with yourself. You need to determine if this is unacceptable behavior to you. If it is then let it be know that it's a boundary for you and should not be crossed. You also need to lose any fear of losing your wife. That fear allows you to accept things that you wouldn't from others. Second thing I would do is look into books/classes on couples communication. My guess is she acts out because you aren't receiving some other message she's sending. "You're Geeky" may equal I wish he do more manly stuff around the house,car, bedroom,etc. "socially inept" may equal I wish we'd go out more with friends or go out dancing together. Because she can't effectively get these things accross to you she acts out. The third thing to do is look up BigBadWolf's posts and learn how to give her a good spanking


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## Dominic (Nov 1, 2011)

Thanks guys. Without getting too much into to it, my wife's dealt with alcoholic tendencies over the years. Something I have been very upfront with her about. I am very outgoing, but get over-shadowed by a drunk/obnoxious person. This is where the "socially inept" comes from. Someone has to "end the party" so that the kids can get home/bathed for school the next morning. That person is me. This year, she became friends with a lady who has the same habits. I have been trying to do things that prevent those 2 from hanging out.

JustWaiting, I've been doing what you mentioned above. Thanks. I'm glad to see that someone else would do the same. Personally, I feel that I have grown-up a lot since we were dating, but she hasn't. The irresponsible "college-style" drinking ended for me years ago...yet at 39, she's still at it.

Entropy, thanks for the advice too. Unfortunately, we're past the alpha-male stuff. Being a military brat, I am authoritarian by nature. It's just ended with worse results.


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