# New here - sexting



## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Hello - good that this forum is here and hope someone can help me get my head straight.

Story - been married 6 years, together 8 and have a young child. Discovered OH was flirting/sexting a couple of years back but got the denial that it would ever lead to anything, the tears, the promises never to hurt me again etc etc. Anyway, it stops for a while, FB, phone and email get locked to 'because I shouldn't be snooping and constantly accusing him of affairs which haven't happened'. This just makes me more suspicious although I do admit some of the things I've read into stuff is just my head over-imagining.

Anyway, last weekend, we were just about to go off to a wedding together - first weekend away since our child was born. I went onto FB to wish friends a happy day and he'd left himself logged in. Curiosity got the better of me and there was a message from the previous day (while I'd been running around getting beauty treatments/new clothes to look nice for the weekend). It was from another girl and said she wanted to "**** him all night and to wear the shirt he was wearing in his profile pic". He response was let's say positive but there was no actual firm arrangement to meet up.

COnfronted him, he maintains it was virtual, would never have met her, is sorry, believes in us and our family blah, blah, blah. 

When it's happened in the past, I've always felt devastated but always given him another chance. This time I feel different. I just know there's no point him saying he won't do it again and if he can do it when things are supposed to be well (he even wanted another child), what will he be like when things are bad? Our LO loves him to bits and part of me thinks I should hang in there for her sake. I was brought up by divorced parents and it affected me permanently. But, we only get one chance round this track and why should I feel so unhappy all the time? 

Sorry for rambling. Just would be really good to hear from others and how you cope. 

x


----------



## greeneyesforever (May 19, 2011)

im in the same boat.

found out a few days ago that husband was sexting a co worker... he has told me that it would never have led to physical sex..and in the same conversation says that if given another month he might have slept with her... of course he says it will never happen again, cried about it, begged me not to go. we have two small children and my oldest adores ADORES him...and I feel guilty for splitting them up =(
I feel very betrayed and wonder if he will do it again..I dont think I'll be so forgiving with a second time.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Don't head for divorce yet. Insist on complete transparency. First, you need to know his passwords for FB, email, IM, and cell phone. Second, you are free to check these accounts at any time. If he's at the computer on or the phone, you are free to look over his shoulder. You should also give him access to your accounts if he wants to snoop on you. Marriage is about disclosure.

If he refuses, tell him to move out until he accepts your conditions. At the same time, I would install a keylogger on the computer. He could email people and delete the messages. He could set up a secret email account for sexting. A keylogger will be invisible on the computer and send you reports on this kind of behavior.

If he wants to sext, tell him he has your number and you will be happy to participate.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

What your husband is doing is cheating. Maybe it's not a physical affair (that you know of) but it is still infidelity. Most people refer to it as an "Emotional Affair". It is a huge betrayal and it sounds like it is a pattern.

The problem is that your husband has not acknowledged that this is an EA and is denying that there is anything wrong. And you have allowed him to essentially do what he wants with no consequences.

His behavior will continue until he addresses his problem - low self esteem, poor boundaries, escapism, fear of commitment, or whatever is driving him to be a serial cheater.

It is up to you to sit him down and tell him that what he is doing is cheating, that it has caused you significant pain, that you have lost your trust in him, and that unless he gets some help from a therapist, you are not certain that you will stay in the marriage.

I also think that you need to demand full transparency from him - access to his cell phone, email accounts, Facebook account. I would also demand that he give up his Facebook because he's obviously using it to troll for chicks.

If he is not willing to do these things, you need to be willing to act on whatever consequences you lay out for him (asking him to move out, or filing for divorce, etc.). Do not make idle threats as it will undermine what you are trying to do.

Your husband has gotten used to cheating and you allowing it. If you want him to be motivated to change, you have to be willing to show him consequences if he continues to cheat. Otherwise, he will continue this destructive behavior.

There is a great book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's the best book out there on infidelity.

Just remember, what your husband is doing is WRONG. Do not allow him to brush it under the rug any longer!


----------



## greeneyesforever (May 19, 2011)

you can also install SMS backup to gmail if you have a droid phone... i actually did this to my husband w/out him knowing...because he deleted all of the texts from this OW...I only saw the last 5...AND he deleted all her phone calls.... so now...everytime he makes a call..everytime he gets or sends a text it is sent to my email..the number..the message...everything...doesnt matter if he deletes them afterwards..because its done automatically..and it also allows me to restore deleted texts and calls and pics to his phone if I want. to me this is my peace of mind...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> What your husband is doing is cheating. Maybe it's not a physical affair (that you know of) but it is still infidelity. Most people refer to it as an "Emotional Affair". It is a huge betrayal and it sounds like it is a pattern.
> 
> The problem is that your husband has not acknowledged that this is an EA and is denying that there is anything wrong. And you have allowed him to essentially do what he wants with no consequences.
> 
> ...


Excellent post. Heed this advice. Tell him it stops or you're done. He has a pattern here and that is NOT good.

The fact that she was so candid w/ him makes me think that is not the first time they have interacted. Definitely a history there. Who is she? If she has a boyf/H, tell her partner. Forward the messages to him.


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I hate to say it, but where there is smoke, there is always fire. I have a feeling, a hunch, there is more to this than what you are seeing. I have been through it myself with an ex-gf....texting, sending naked pics of herself to a man she worked with. It is all harmless flirtation they will say and that is simply bull****. This is cheating pure and simple and needs to be dealt with in the same manner. 

Your husband is in denial. He makes it sound like it is no big deal. He wants you to think of it the same way, but you won't and you never will. Ask him what he would think if you started having erotic conversations with another man via text and FB? He needs to start seeing this from your perspective. If it bothers you, and you want him to stop, he needs to respect you enough to quit it. This is about respect, and you need to demand it, and he needs to comply with it if he cares about your feelings.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And if he isn't willy to comply, cut him loose. Or live in an open marriage.


----------



## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

greeneyesforever said:


> you can also install SMS backup to gmail if you have a droid phone... i actually did this to my husband w/out him knowing...because he deleted all of the texts from this OW...I only saw the last 5...AND he deleted all her phone calls.... so now...everytime he makes a call..everytime he gets or sends a text it is sent to my email..the number..the message...everything...doesnt matter if he deletes them afterwards..because its done automatically..and it also allows me to restore deleted texts and calls and pics to his phone if I want. to me this is my peace of mind...


What is the name of this app and does the other party know about the sms, calls etc being forwarded?


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Oh, dang, I read the title and thought this would be a naughty post. hee hee. Anyway, I agree with the smoke/fire statement. It seems highly unlikely that some woman would talk that way to him on FB without some kind of physical "ok" from him in real life.


----------



## greeneyesforever (May 19, 2011)

if you have droid market just type in sms gmail back up and ..its 1.99. it will say gmail back up listed under their apps. the only way they know is if they research the application itself.


----------



## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Thanks for the replies all and lovely to get it off my chest. When it happened last week we went straight to a wedding and after a few I told my friends there. While it was good to talk, I was wary of making kneejerk decisions based on their well-meaning advice. 

When I found the message, I sent the OW one. Very calm, very cordial but simply putting her in the picture in case he'd done the whole "wife doesn't understand me" line. About 10 mins after I posted on here today, she replied which I really didn't expect. She said she was sorry she upset me, nothing was going on apart from flirting, that it was all fantasy stuff and that she was really sorry she'd upset me. So, that threw me a bit because I was about to down tools on the marriage. Don't get me wrong, that by no means lets him off the hook but I stopped short of walking there and then. 

Am quite interested in this 180 stuff that I've picked up and I love the idea of this SMS tracker thing although not don't have android and don't have gmail. Wonder if there is similar for blackberry and yahoo?

What I do know is that I have inner strength and I will be drawing on every reserve I can find. Not sure where this will all end up by I know it won't be me with the big fat 'L' on their forehead. 

Thanks again. 

I


----------



## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Oh and greeneyesforever, I'm sorry you're going through similar right now. If you're anything like me, you're currently on a rollercoaster. As another thread said, be wary of emotions and see that they will come in waves and whatever you do, don't do/say anything rash when the hurt, tears and emotions are at their peak. Wait for logic to seep back in. x


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Who is OW? How does he know her??? Flirting is one thing, telling a man you want to F*CK him all nightwhil ehe wears a certain shirt goes waaaaaay beyond that. 

What did you write to her?


----------



## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Some friend of a friend from years ago. 

I wrote to her and said that I didn't know what exactly was going on but by what she wrote it was fairly obvious, that in the lead-up to our child's birthday and our weekend away together it was pretty hard to read and that I took some comfort in the fact that what goes around comes around and that one day, she'd be feeling what I was feeling right then. 

I responded to her tonight saying I still just didn't see how or why anyone would say those things and not consider following through and certainly not both of them. She mailed me straight back going on again about how she was single and it was just drunken flirting and but the last thing I intend to do is to get into a debate with her about what constitutes an EA/PA/whatever so, clearly, I'm not going to reply. The other thing I'm not going to do is tell H that she and I have been in contact as, you never know, that might just fuel his ego even more.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah don't tell him.
She is a hag if she thinks that is "drunken flirting." She knows she is WAY out of bounds there.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Don't trust the OW. They lie and they have no reason to care about you or your feelings. Anyway, it's not about the OW. It is about your H! Focus on him and what he needs to do to get his head on straight, not on the OW, who will just be replaced with someone else in another month unless he changes his ways.


----------



## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

I know. Don't trust her a bit and her justifications as to why it's harmless.

Am still massively sceptical and don't know what I want. This scepticism plus a bit of the 180 treatment has already changed his approach dramatically and it's only been a couple of days since I left behind the neediness and upset. It's my ambition to turn him into the one who's terrified of this marriage coming to an end.. all done with a nice, confident, smile on my face of course....!


----------



## getting through (Aug 13, 2012)

how can I get this sms back up


----------

