# husband dislikes giving (TMI warning)



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

PLEASE ONLY READ THIS IF YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL TECHNIQUE... OTHERWISE, PLEASE DON'T BLAME ME FOR BEING GRAPHIC. THANKS!

Hi guys. I am newly married, though my husband and I are currently long-distance for some time. We spent just over a week together after marriage (in November). Both of us were virgins before marriage, although we both did engage in some sexual activity with one another shortly around the time of our engagement this summer (even that was a first for us, as neither of us had done much more than kiss in prior dating relationships). Although my husband doesn't have an issue with my body in general, he doesn't like the way I look 'down there'. The first time he saw me naked, his response was to make a disgusted face and say 'ewwww'. (I don't think it has anything to do with the way I look, but simply that he'd never seen a girl's genitals before.) I was completely crushed by his callousness, and this was part of the reason why I later avoided his proposals... though we still decided to get married later. When I told him during our engagement how much his reaction had hurt me, his eyes started tearing up and he told me that he loved my body from head to toe and was sorry to make me feel bad by his insensitivity. 

So some months later, we get married, and we have our first intercourse. I like being with him, but I don't enjoy it much. In fact, I resent it actually because he only seemed to care about his own pleasure and not mine. He can get off by intercourse within a couple of minutes, but I can't. The only way I can get off is if he gives me oral. However, while my husband loves to have intercourse and doesn't mind touching my nether regions with his fingers, he does not like putting his face there as he thinks it's unhygienic. He says it doesn't smell good and asks me if I wash down there. I tell him of course I wash (I always do, and even rinse the area again before sex), and I don't have any diseases, so I'm perfectly healthy down there. I think all women have some kind of scent... but he's never gone down on anyone before, so he has nothing to compare it to.

It makes me sad though, as he really seems to be disgusted by what he is doing. He will only put the tip of his tongue on my 'cl' instead of using the whole tongue, as I'd like. And he will completely stay away from the 'v'. I have asked him to penetrate me with his tongue, but he just refuses as he thinks it is gross. I've told him that the mouth has so many more strains of bacteria than a 'v' (assuming the woman doesn't have an infection), but he still has this mental block. I wish he would enjoy it more rather than seeming so grossed out. When I see the tortured expression on his face, I feel bad and guilty asking him to do something that he doesn't want to do. It only reduces my enjoyment as well, as I don't want him to give me oral if he hates it. It just makes me not want to have sex with him at all, and just have a night with my toy instead... as the toy doesn't make any unsightly faces at me.

Since we were only together a week after marriage, we've only had sex a handful of times. And considering that we were both virgins before, I'm hopeful that when we get together the sex will only get better and better over time. Although the look of disgust was still there after he gave me oral a few times, it did appear to be less as it seemed he accepted it as part of the process. But from his perspective, I can also understand that it probably isn't fun for him to give me 15 minutes of oral, just so he can get his 2 minutes of intercourse (it frustrates us both that intercourse only lasts about 2-3 minutes for him, but it is what it is. He tried some 'extended duration' condoms and even some herbal supplements but I don't think they helped much).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't mean to be rude, but what's your question? You could try some flavored lubes. But honestly, some guys like giving oral, and some guys don't. Work with him, let him know how good it feels.

As far as his lasting goes, have you tried giving him oral first, and then having intercourse? He should last longer then. Assuming he cares enough about your pleasure to try again.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I realize I didn't frame my post in the form of a question. I suppose I'm just wanting to know if there is potential for things to get better for us, based on others experiences. Can things really turn around, or are we both doomed to be unsatisfied with our sex life? We are already having other communication problems between us right now, and the fact that our sex life is also terrible... that's just making me worry about the outlook of our marriage. I want to be hopeful, but I don't really know how flexible people are with their sexuality.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

These topics are perfect for this board, and I can tell you if anybody thinks you are too explicit, they've never read much of what I have written on here. Don't be self-conscious - that's why people are on here, and that's what they write here.

First of all, sex is new to both of you. Fantastic! It can be a great time of exploring, but it is exploring and learning at this stage. You're just now beginning to learn - neither of you know very much about it, and that's expected. (I've been married 27 years, and I'm still learning, and we still get more and more adventurous).

It took my wife and me until at least 6 months into our marriage before we learned how to make her orgasm. Now, she is very good at it. You can probably imagine that I wasn't a very good lover when we first got married either, so even though she enjoyed being with me, I had to learn a lot as well. I'm on here learning more even now. 

It is very unfortunate that he gave you the reaction he did the first time he saw your genitals. I'm sure that hurt you and made you feel insecure. It sounds like he didn't really know what effect that was going to have on you, and it sounds like he is remorseful about that. That's good, and it's good that he is making some effort now. However; judging from his first reaction, he probably has some negative associations in his mind that are giving him some hangups on oral sex right now. Can you talk to him and get an understanding of what he thinks of? If he opens up, then you know what you're working on. It may take a while to get him past those. If it's as simple as worrying about whether or not it is hygeinic or whether or not other men do it, then have a look through the Cunnilingus thread on here, and if you think he is open to it, maybe have him take a look through it. It is filled with real people giving real opinions of what they think of it, and contains posts from men and women both. If he's not up to looking through that with you, then maybe you can just start a little earlier with him before you make love, like maybe in the shower, and let him cleanse you first. If hygeine is his only hangup, then maybe that helps him to get the confidence at first. 

Now personally, I can't see how a man would resist oral sex once he gets past a few hangups if he has a few hangups. You are equipped with an array of flavors and smells that speak directly to his hard-wired sexual nervous system. He should begin to pick up on that once he begins to relax and learns to enjoy sex. Talk to him about it, and talk to him as he is performing oral sex on you. While you are trying to get him past his hangup, don't focus on his apprehension. Instead, find anything you can find that he is doing that is pleasant. Tell him you like that while he is doing it, and allow yourself to get as excited as you can so that he can see your excitement. Many men, myself being one, really enjoy our partner's enjoyment of sex. In my case, I enjoy her enjoyment more than my own, but that is something that has developed over years and I can no longer remember how I was when I first got married except to know that I always liked to please her. In your case, it is exploring and learning, but I would think he will respond to that kind of thing. Tell him when he's hit the spot. Tell him when it's good or even better, just let yourself go naturally when it's good and let THAT tell him that you enjoy it. 

I know that every woman is different, so what works for one is not going to work for another, but if you find the thread I posted "Do you get sore," I describe there how my wife has to orgasm. That takes a lot of effort on her part. It's possible you are similar, but if you're not, then at least you can see from that post that there are different ways that different women have to orgasm, and some seem to have to put a little more effort into it that others. Talk about it to him, and see if the two of you can explore it and learn it together. Keep in mind that there is learning for him, and for you. Several years from now, you would probably hope that you have more than just one way you can orgasm.

Most of all, continue to talk to him and listen to him. Find things that the two of you find exciting and talk about what you want and need. Let him tell you the same thing. He likely doesn't want to just orgasm in 1 - 2 minutes, so you may have to talk about taking turns when he is in control, and when you are in control, or when you pick up the pace, and when you slow it down. If he can't control it, then one trick you may use is just before he orgasms, you, or he, press in on his urethra near the base of his penis so that the semen can't pass through, and hold it there until the excitement ebbs a bit, then he'll be ready to go for a few more minutes. That can be a technique to use to help him learn to go longer before ejaculating.

I'll go ahead and close this now, then look to see if I need to edit - which I usually do. Hopefully, I've given you some things to think about and do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sure, I think there's the potential for him to change. It may not ever become his favorite thing in the world, but he can learn to like it and even be good at it. Your sex life may improve as your communication improves, as well.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

There is one more thing I forgot to put in my post. When I started saying it was unfortunate how he reacted the first time he saw your genitals, I meant to go on and say that just because that was his first reaction doesn't mean that's how he will always think. Please leave room in your mind for it to grow on him. As he begins to think of you, and begins to like to give you pleasure, and begins to get pleasure from you, it's likely that his opinion is going to change a lot. So don't always associate his first reaction in your mind with his current opinion. His opinion of how you look is likely to change as you two develop in intimacy.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Wow, thanks so much ShyGuy for your awesome post.  I think my husband and I really do need to have an open discussion about sexuality soon. Our communication had been strained due to long-distance, and due to him caring for his sick mother... but now that she is improving, there may be more room to have this sort of discussion. 

I will certainly read more of these threads, and I'll also check out your previous 'sore' posts as well to get a better idea of other's experiences. I like the shower together idea as well. Since we are currently apart for some months, it will be awhile before we try that, but I hope it will help him not worry so much about hygiene.

And yes, our sex has gotten progressively better. The first time was awful, as it was hurting me and when I told him that, he was like "It's supposed to hurt the first time for a girl". I'm like "Um, maybe, but not for me as I've 'been' with my toy before. It's hurting me because I'm not ready to do this!" I'm still mad at him that he didn't seem to mind that he was hurting me the first time. The first few times we had sex, we would have intercourse, and then he'd turn over and sleep, while I'd be frustrated. After that I refused to have sex with him unless he first took care of my pleasure first. That's when I started asking for oral. And yes, he did get to see me enjoying it VERY much. However, because of his squeamishness, it probably took much longer than it needed to... as it didn't make me happy to look at the uncomfortable expression on his face.

We also have to work on the foreplay thing. I remember in the summer, I had explicitly told him that I didn't want to have intercourse before marriage. So we'd lay in bed together and he'd kiss me for hours. It was very HOT! But once we got married and were 'allowed' to have intercourse, he completely stopped the foreplay. No kissing or cuddling... he just wants to touch my chest for 1-2 minutes and then start penetration, which is completely unsatisfying for me. That's also partly why I need more oral to get aroused, since there isn't foreplay first. I have told him this, but he says "Can't I just penetrate first, and then once I'm in, I can touch your chest and other places to get you revved up? That's what my other friends do with their wives." And I'm like "No...it doesn't work like that."

Anyway thanks so much again for taking the time to write a long post in response... I really do appreciate it. I will also look into finding ways to extend his sexual duration, as I think we'd both like that better if he would last longer.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Oh as soon as I saw there was an explicit warning on your thread, I couldn't turn away. I kid, I kid 

So it does sound like he needs to mature a lot sexually. And foreplay, yes, lots of exploring needs to happen. You mentioned you used to do lots of kissing that was hot and now his focus is intercourse. As for his approach, and listening to his friends, well I'm glad that at least you know it doesn't work like that! I'd say you both need to spend time really discovering each other in a very sensual way. This could be long massage sessions, seeing how your bodies respond to different sensations (different touch - feather light, soft, hard, cold, hot, licks, kisses etc), play without penetration (or at least before) with blindfolds, tying each other up, teasing, responding. Try out different positions of foreplay too, such as 69 and such. Also sorry if I glanced over this, but do you give him oral too? Explore HIS body and learn different responses about him, as much as him learning about you. 

Hopefully as time goes on, he'll learn that he can slow things down to last longer. 

I don't know if I'm telling you things you already know - but in case it prompts some inspiration, I hope it helps. Also if he's up for it, there's a book that might be worthwhile to teach him more about your vagina. I've peeked a good look at this book, because I take interest in books about sex-related things lol, it seems a good one. It's not erotic, it's more telling it like it is. Maybe it will help him realize that the vagina is 'cleaner' than his mouth. Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (9780060538262): Ian Kerner: Books

While on that subject - sorry if it's too personal, but seems we're probably past that point now anyway, but do you trim or remove your pubic hair? Hair does trap odors. While some of us do like the natural scent of our lovers, grooming can assist with odor and appearance too. Even just trimming can make a difference. Of course you're beautiful as you are, seems you're confident with this, which is why I felt I could mention this to you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Yet again...

This is why you don`t marry someone you`ve never slept with.

Here`s my advice..

You can continue to believe this is going to get better and live the next few years sexually miserable building resentment and crushed self esteem from your husbands constant rejection of your sex until you absolutely hate him and THEN divorce him to discover a man who actually appreciates a womans body.

OR

You can get the divorce now and save yourself years of pain and therapy.

Your call but the only other option is to never divorce him and live your entire life with the resentment and hatred, eventually ending up celibate in a sexless relationship like two roomates who dislike each other.

Edit:

I have three ..yes three...lifelong friends who were absolutely disgusted by the idea of performing oral sex on a girl in high school.
Now 25 years later each and every one of them is still disgusted by the idea of performing oral on a woman.

Yes, they`re all lifelong bachelors.

It`s unlikely to change.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

rks1 said:


> PLEASE ONLY READ THIS IF YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH DESCRIPTIONS OF SEXUAL TECHNIQUE... OTHERWISE, PLEASE DON'T BLAME ME FOR BEING GRAPHIC. THANKS!
> 
> Hi guys. I am newly married, though my husband and I are currently long-distance for some time. We spent just over a week together after marriage (in November). Both of us were virgins before marriage, although we both did engage in some sexual activity with one another shortly around the time of our engagement this summer (even that was a first for us, as neither of us had done much more than kiss in prior dating relationships). Although my husband doesn't have an issue with my body in general, he doesn't like the way I look 'down there'. The first time he saw me naked, his response was to make a disgusted face and say 'ewwww'. (I don't think it has anything to do with the way I look, but simply that he'd never seen a girl's genitals before.) I was completely crushed by his callousness, and this was part of the reason why I later avoided his proposals... though we still decided to get married later. When I told him during our engagement how much his reaction had hurt me, his eyes started tearing up and he told me that he loved my body from head to toe and was sorry to make me feel bad by his insensitivity.
> 
> ...


I think your husband is the exception not the rule - I love giving oral (even though my wife doesn't like receiving). 
My advice would be to talk to him calmly and let him know that you enjoy this and the more pleasure he gives you the more you will do for him. Also, if it helps and you don't do it already, it might help to groom yourself. Its easier to perform orally on a woman who is trimmed than a big hairy bush.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

RKS1, one thing you probably will notice on here if you haven't already is that all responses are given by people. Some advice is very good. Different perspectives are good. But, do not let someone on here define your values and morals for you, and don't be discouraged when someone tries.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Tacoma, aren't you just the little ray of sunshine? 

rks, I gather from your disclaimer that you must be new here. I think I've posted at least three things more graphic than your story today alone.

Coming from your exact situation, I can safely say that it can get better. If you come from a substantially conservative background, it can take some time to get over the inhibitions you may have had drilled into you when you were younger. But it's going to take patience with each other as you each discover what works for you. And it'll take practice.

Which means LOTS and LOTS of sex. As much as you can, whenever and wherever you can.

In order for both you (I'm sure you have a couple hang-ups yourself) and your husband to get past your inhibitions, you may want to consider creating a sexual check-list of stuff you've never tried and want to explore together. Allow your inner freak flag fly.

And I mentioned this in an earlier thread (I'm not trying to be a shill, honest), there's an iPad app called "Bliss" that I think you would really benefit from. It's set up as a board game where you slowly build up sexual contact from conversations to some pretty intense stuff. But you can eliminate whatever you're (he's) not comfortable with, so you only do things that you are both comfortable with before hand.

Also, you may want to forward a link to this thread to him, if you're not too embarrassed. If he can understand how much he's hurt you by his reluctance, he may be more willing to give it another try.

And flavored lubes may help. Personally, I prefer honey or chocolate syrup, but that can get sticky.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Tacoma, aren't you just the little ray of sunshine?


Naw, I know I`m not.

I just see sooo many mistakes made in this one OP and many of them are about sexual incompatibility which I know is nearly impossible to tolerate and be happy about at the same time.
I truly believe she`s in a hopeless situation and will waste years of her life trying to "fix" this man.
We all know you can`t change anyone, they have to want to.
You can however change yourself.
That`s what she should do.



> And I mentioned this in an earlier thread (I'm not trying to be a shill, honest), there's an iPad app called "Bliss" that I think you would really benefit from. It's set up as a board game where you slowly build up sexual contact from conversations to some pretty intense stuff. But you can eliminate whatever you're (he's) not comfortable with, so you only do things that you are both comfortable with before hand.


This is a cool thing I was unaware of.
Heading to the app store right now!

Thanks!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i dont know how a guy couldnt thing their ladies bits arent one of the most beautiful things to look at or one of the most comforting places to lay you face.
i enjoyed feeling that close.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi rks1 
Welcome to TAM. It must be exciting to start on a new phase in in your life. It also a little confusing because you are making way as you go along. I think your sexual relationship with your husband has elements that are very common. I admire you, seeking information, being open about what you need and communicating the same with your husband is what all partners should do but manny don't. 

You and your husband are normal - most men can reach orgasm in under 5 mins and it takes women on average 30 to 40 mins to become arroused and reach orgasm. I am not surprised you are frustrated. But that is what this beginning phase of your marriage is all about. It is to get to know each other and lay down the foundation of a loving mutually satisfying relationship. So congrats, you are making an excellent beginning. 

What you are experiencing with your husband is an expression of the natural differences between male and female sexuality. If a couple plans on having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, they have to adjust to each other. That is the subjects of many good books. 

I have to give you high five for refusing to have sex that is unsatisfactory to you or to allow your husband to satisfy himself without taking care of you. But your sexual relationship should be fun, exploratory and mutually pleasing. For that to happen you both have to be on board. You are both naive and have a lot to lean. So the books are for you both. I also give you a high five for joining TAM. I think there are many posters who will be able to help so keep posting. 

It may be good to have a few days together with your husband that you request that he read books and communicate with you about what you need sexually not his friends. If he is having sex with you then why ignore you and listen to his friends. It is important not to let this issue of learning and growing sexually become a power struggle. It is a project that you are both partners in. Try to approach it that way and get your husband on board. I am not sure what to tell you to say to him that will lead to an awakening. Maybe one of the men can weigh in on that. 

Your husband seems selfish but I think it is more ignorance than anything else. I think he has a wonderful wife who is willing to please him if she is also pleased. I am certain if he knew that you are unlikely to continue having sex with him to meet his physical needs and not have your needs met. If he is resistant to change then you may want to put a short moritorium on sex and read books together. You can slowly start again with kissing and caressing. 

BTW, I would not force the oral sex issue. There are other things he can do for clitoral stimulation. Don't get impatient or angry with him. You guys are in this for the long haul and the communication skills you develop now will carry you through. He may develop a taste for oral sex but not if he feels it is something he has to do wheartge he likes it or not. That's not loving to make him do it. Do you give him oral sex?

I would not start or continue giving until he developers more control and developes an interest in your pleasure. To give him more pleasure when he seems disinterested in yours will just make you resent him. Oral sex is something you can both learn together. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the helpful comments. I do appreciate it. To respond to the questions that have been asked of me....

Yes, I do trim down there. My husband did complain the first time that some of the hair gets in his mouth which makes him gag, but I don't know what else to say as I used the bikini shaver before we had sex. Maybe I missed a few? It doesn't shave hair completely (as I find stubble uncomfortable due to razor burn), but it does trim them which I like. I've also done some laser removal on my bikini area and currently undergoing some more. I don't get a complete removal of hair, but it does make them more sparse. So I'm trimmed and not bushy at all.

As far as me giving him oral, we did try that once.... actually I started oral on him, but he ended up finishing elsewhere. I'm totally open to giving him oral. I admit that I find it a bit physically uncomfortable, as my mouth hurts, and I have a hard time breathing and start gagging (as he pulls my head into him). So although we have to work out the physical aspect of how I can give oral which is comfortable for me, I don't have any mental hangups. As long as he soaps his genitals up before oral, I'm perfectly fine going down on him. The reason I haven't done much oral on him is that he can get off perfectly fine with intercourse, while I almost need the oral to have the same experience (as I don't get there from intercourse alone). Once we get together again, I'd be happy to incorporate me giving him some oral into our sex play. I'm open to other things too. He really wanted to try anal, but made the mistake of using very little lube, so I made him stop immediately as I was in pain when he tried to insert. Maybe I'd be open to trying that again someday if we do things properly next time. When we were together, I'd love to cuddle and caress him in the mornings as he was waking up, but he didn't do that for me... as penetration seemed to be the only thing on his mind.

I will look into flavored lubes. I wasn't aware that people use this for oral, as I thought lubes were only for intercourse. That's new info for me... thanks.

As far as sex before marriage, he and I both come from a more conservative Asian culture. I'm Indian-American and he is from India, where sex before marriage is not looked upon too highly. Even though he was pushing me to have sex before marriage, the sad thing is that he told me after we were married that if his family found out that we were sexually active before marriage, then they'd look down upon me. So even though I am the one who said 'no' to us having premarital intercourse (though on that one single occasion we crossed the line and I gave him oral), I'd still be considered the bad one in his family's eyes if they knew. The one-sided discrimination towards women really bugs me, that they'd look down on me, but not him. But that's how the conservative culture is. 

I wish I could show him this thread, but since I have another post on this forum in regards to him and likely will post more, I don't think I'd show him this thread. If he would see how frustrated I am with him in regards to various aspects of our relationship, I think it would merely start up unnecessary arguments. I will simply read your comments and take whatever wisdom I can find in it. Thanks!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Another thing - get the basics of mutually satisfying sex down firmly first. That may take a year to get into a good grove. Please don't have anal with him. He can't yet have simple vaginal sex with out hurting you. He is far too inexperienced and self focused to allow to penetrate your anus. 

Is he watching porn? Sounds like he wants to try out porn acts on you. Make it clear to him that porn sex is not real and it is not something that real women like. The pushing your head down is a case in point that is a porn move. Don't let him touch you head. It is up to you to teach him how to have sex with a live woman. His reaction to your body may have been because of porn. Porn does not show men giving women oral. You both have a lot to learn. 

You need to protect your self he is not yet sensitive to your needs. You have to increase his awareness and have firm boundreies. No anal sex until you ate both skilled, no pushing your head you are not a porn actress, you expect to be arroused and pleased by him again porn actresses don't have orgasms but real woman expect them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thanks Catherine, for your thoughtful posts.  I think you are right that we should first spend more time with the basics of vaginal sex before (making sure it is mutually satisfying) before trying more complicated things like anal. Yours posts gave me some good food for thought. I do think he has been a selfish lover, as he only starting attempting oral on me after I refused to have intercourse with him unless he paid things forward. I have never forced him to do that with me (simply asked him if he would). That's why at this point, it's almost more tempting to just use a vibrator rather than have sex with him if he has to give me oral with that sad puppydog look on his face. If he could simply look happy to do it, I'd be over the moon.

Right now since we are having some communication issues, I'm not really sure what I think of him. Before marriage, I always thought he was deeply unselfish. He was the one who always helped me carry my bags, and paid for dinners, etc. When we initially met 1.5 year ago, I was 70+ pounds overweight then (while he was slim-average), and yet he was the first guy who truly loved me for who I am and made me feel beautiful. Even though I have since begun making efforts on my fitness and losing weight (much to his happiness), I always feel incredibly lucky to be with someone who loved me at my worst... and will be forever grateful to him for that. Since we got married and started having sex, he has been more self-absorbed, and in the last month since his mom got sick, he has been completely absorbed with taking care of her, and has pushed away our marriage. So things are bad right now, but I truly hope to get that wonderful man back into my life. I hope it's just a matter of inexperience, and that I'll have my loving nurturing husband back. Unfortunately I think there also may be some cross-cultural issues, as he grew up in a small non-progressive city in India (with orthodox values) while I'm an American. And his mom sacrificed her career to take care of her kids and husband. So I hope he still doesn't expect me to be that idealized sacrificial woman as his wife... who only takes care of his needs and not her own. I didn't see this before marriage, but unfortunately I worry about this now.

As I've mentioned, we are currently long-distance for the next several months, so I can't actually try these techniques yet. But all these wonderful comments have given me something more to talk to him about, to see if we can resolve our differences (sexual and otherwise) before he gets here.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

By the way Catherine, I found the porn idea quite interesting. He lives with family, and from what I've gotten about him, he isn't currently watching any porn. But I'd be quite naive to think he hasn't watched porn with friends when he was younger. So at some point, I know he must have seen it. Also, he has chatted about sexuality with other married friends before we were married (though I've told him I don't want him talking about our private sex life with his friends). So it's very likely as you say that he has gotten these ideas about sexuality from somewhere.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

rks1 said:


> As far as me giving him oral, we did try that once.... actually I started oral on him, but he ended up finishing elsewhere. I'm totally open to giving him oral.


Well good, you don't want to be one sided in this.




rks1 said:


> I admit that I find it a bit physically uncomfortable, as my mouth hurts, and I have a hard time breathing and start gagging (as he pulls my head into him).


Tell him not to do that if he wants you to continue. You do have to breathe!

You don't need to keep it in your mouth until close to the end. You can use your tongue or just put the very tip in your mouth while you use your hands to stimulate him.




rks1 said:


> The reason I haven't done much oral on him is that he can get off perfectly fine with intercourse, while I almost need the oral to have the same experience (as I don't get there from intercourse alone).


As another poster mentioned, wearing him out will give you the time to enjoy yourself. This doesn't have to be from you giving him oral - just initiate with him before he fully recovers. You may very well be able to orgasm with intercourse if you had enough time. 

If it has been several days since we did anything, my wife won't orgasm before I do. Try as I can, I won't last long enough. But if it was 12 hours before I can hold out as long as I need.




rks1 said:


> I wish I could show him this thread, but since I have another post on this forum in regards to him and likely will post more, I don't think I'd show him this thread. If he would see how frustrated I am with him in regards to various aspects of our relationship, I think it would merely start up unnecessary arguments. I will simply read your comments and take whatever wisdom I can find in it. Thanks!


Your husband simply has no idea how lucky he is! So many women give up at this point, only to realize 20 years later how much they've both missed out on.


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

Also realise you are not alone. Ive been with my beautiful H for 19 years...and only just now am I learning to communicate what I need from him in the bedroom. They cant read our minds unfortunately!! And gosh knows Ive tried! LOL! It is all down to talking openly and honeslty and that means from both of you. He will eventually grow more mature sexually, but it may take a lot of practise!! Most woman cannot orgasm with penetration...so you are not abnormal whatsoever. A high percebtage of us cannot...and do need that extra stimluation and TIME. Good luck and keep at it...dont give up! 

Also a little tip with giving him oral...get him to keep his hands away...it will be hard...but he cannot shove your head down to take him deeper when you are new at it. It will hurt and you will gag. So say to him that if he would like you to continue to learn to give him better oral pleasure...HANDS OFF!! lol. Its an art...I still gag sometimes when he gets a bit too enthusiastic, which makes me feel great TBH...it means im doing it alright  ...SO Newb Tip for BJ's: no hands from him...and keep your hand at the base of the shaft so you can comfortably encase his shaft in your mouth without going to deep.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

...aaand this is why pre-marital sex is a good thing.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> ...aaand this is why pre-marital sex is a good thing.


I don't want to hijack this thread to discuss this, but I disagree completely with this sentiment. Everyone has to learn and that can and does happen in marriage. Most of all, this is not a time to judge someone's morals and ethics, especially since it is a part of them, and can have a very positive effect on their relationship. 

We can have the discussion on a separate thread, perhaps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You two need to spend a lot more time together. Long distance will kill your marriage.

Give your nether regions a close haircut. You don't have to shave, and in fact I would suggest you don't shave unless he really wants you to. But give yourself a really close haircut so he can see and get in to all the good parts.

A flavored lube is a good idea, too.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> I don't want to hijack this thread to discuss this, but I disagree completely with this sentiment. Everyone has to learn and that can and does happen in marriage. Most of all, this is not a time to judge someone's morals and ethics, especially since it is a part of them, and can have a very positive effect on their relationship.
> 
> We can have the discussion on a separate thread, perhaps
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I was in no way judging their beliefs, at all. That being said, I only made that statement because if you do have sex before marriage, you can discover any incompatibilities. Some you may be able to work on and move on to marriage, others, if you cannot overcome, you can part ways with no colatoral damage as with a divorce. I knew of a couple that when they met, would not have even indulged in seeing each other nude, mostly a rule by the guy. They got married, and the wife, who had sex before, but decided to follow her now husband's beliefs, then she saw that he had an issue with his penis (it was basically an inny according to her) and that turned her off. She even said the thought of putting it in her mouth made her gag. Morale of this all too true story, test before you buy.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> if you do have sex before marriage, you can discover any incompatibilities.


having sex before marriage, this is in no way a guarantee as many here can attest to.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

mikeydread1982 said:


> ...aaand this is why pre-marital sex is a good thing.


How many women **** the brains out of their hubby to be and then quit when the first kid comes along? That's a heck of a lot more common than problems between two virgins.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

There is a possibility I might be going to visit him for a week (at the end of this month). Although we haven't discussed our sexual issues openly much yet at this point (I have not yet shared the concerns of this thread with him), I have teased him about my trip.... joking by saying "is THAT [sex] is why you want me to come so much, or is there a different reason?" He just smiles and tells me ****ily "I am going to enjoy things, and I WON'T be returning the favor" (i.e. oral). "I will enjoy ejaculating, but if you don't want, then I'll be nice and not do it on your face". Yikes... he sounds crude, selfish, and smug. I don't know if he really serious about refusing to perform oral on me, or if he is just saying this to tease me and get me unnecessarily riled up. I just told him that if he isn't going to 'return the favor' then he won't be getting any 'favors' from me in the first place. Let's see how this power trip between us pans out.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

When I first met him, he was nothing but sweet and loving. He still is a sweet guy for the most part (he told me a few times today he loved me), but now I'm seeing this self-serving attitude going on with him. Definitely a selfish lover though.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The mistake many women make it to do whatever the man wants and hope that he is so happy that he will want to be a good lover. But the opposite happens, he gets more selfish and she more frustrated. 

It is up to the woman to take the responsibility to teach her lover to take the focus from his penis. 

Your husband seems to have the focus on what he gets out of you. You are doing well in getting him to see the sexual relationship as mutually satisfying. 

PLan to communicate the things you have on this thread. Do so gently and kindly. 

Your aim is to have a happy marriage where you both enjoy your sexual connection. The way he is going about it now, is destined to get him very little to sex in the future. 

I still get the impression that he is looking at porn. His statements about what he wants sexually seems porn-driven. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...201201/pornographys-influence-sexual-intimacy

Porn is aimed toward male ejaculation and that's it. He should shelve the porn and get good books and follow those. 

When he just wants to stick it in pump and turn around and sleep - thats self pleasuring. He does not need you to masturbate into he can use his hand for that. 

It is going to be a process so don't expect instant results. But don't make a bad beginning by having penis-centered sex with him. It will end badly.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Yet again...
> 
> *This is why you don`t marry someone you`ve never slept with.*
> Here`s my advice..
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Waiting until marriage for sex often leads to _crippling _inhibitions. 

Who would buy a car without taking it for a test drive? :rofl:


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> Waiting until marriage for sex often leads to _crippling _inhibitions.
> 
> Who would buy a car without taking it for a test drive? :rofl:


While I see you laughing, I think this analogy is taken too seriously too often. 

I'm not aware of any studies that link abstinance until marriage with crippling inhibitions - neither higher nor lower incidence of them. It would be interesting to see if any study exists, and if it does, if other social factors are also involved. However; this board provides plenty of opportunity to observe for crippling inhibitions in a non-scientific environment and ask about such factors as whether or not a test drive was taken.

I am aware of at least one study that links taking multiple cars on test drives (metaphorically speaking of course) to a higher incidence of divorce, and this is the Teachman study. I'm not so familiar with the internals of the study which would include any other factors involved. Going just from the abstract and conclusion, it would seem that marrying a partner who has had partners before, or if you are such a partner, may decrease the chances of a successful marriage. 

I think the statement you put in your message is one mythbusters should take up. From what I can see, the sentiment expressed doesn't seem to hold up when studies in a scientific study.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

i do not know what to really tell you this just baffles me as i am just amazed that you guy's married without knowing anything about each other. He is selfish and seems rather immature on the topics of sex and has a hedonistic view point of sex it almost seems not only that but it amazes me he finds his own wife's vagina "Gross". All in all you can only change a person so much i cannot tell you that how you two went about your relationship before marriage was wrong because that would be unfair. However i find it astounding that you know so little about each other it seems and that the sex is almost non existent and you are both unhappy primarily you in regards to the sex in your marriage which in itself is never at all a good thing. A person who is selfish when it comes to sex is setting themselves up for failure on the part of having of finding a partner who is so willing to ignore and than in part try to disregard their own wants and desires that is a hard person to find. 

Anyhow best of luck and i suggest you two talk it over and you state your side.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

shy_guy said:


> While I see you laughing, I think this analogy is taken too seriously too often.
> 
> I'm not aware of any studies that link abstinance until marriage with crippling inhibitions - neither higher nor lower incidence of them. It would be interesting to see if any study exists, and if it does, if other social factors are also involved. However; this board provides plenty of opportunity to observe for crippling inhibitions in a non-scientific environment and ask about such factors as whether or not a test drive was taken.
> 
> ...


i think often it leads to problems in the cases the people know little about each other. If you have been together for years or know everything about one another and than you marry than finally have sex i would imagine little problems happen. However marrying than the two of you just than having sex while you also know little of each other is often a set up for failure and often i find the marriage is pushed in those cases. Sex is a very important part of a majority of all healthy relationships and seems to be of an up most importance in regards to long term relationships. I remember hearing and reading that humans are most happy when they are having sex now imagine sex with someone you truly love and care about you cannot beat those feelings of joy. Now imagine never being pleased or cared or being tended to during sex that can lead to problems.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> i think often it leads to problems in the cases the people know little about each other. If you have been together for years or know everything about one another and than you marry than finally have sex i would imagine little problems happen. However marrying than the two of you just than having sex while you also know little of each other is often a set up for failure and often i find the marriage is pushed in those cases. Sex is a very important part of a majority of all healthy relationships and seems to be of an up most importance in regards to long term relationships. I remember hearing and reading that humans are most happy when they are having sex now imagine sex with someone you truly love and care about you cannot beat those feelings of joy. Now imagine never being pleased or cared or being tended to during sex that can lead to problems.


This is a valid statement since it begins with "I think ... " I also post what I think, and much of that is based on my experience, but nevertheless, it is what I think. (I'll bring in discussion about confirmation bias, cognitive bias, and cognitive dissonance at another time as we all use these to defend what we think). I always like to discuss with someone who knows we are both discussing what we think, and neither of us has the final answer.

Let me challenge a little bit of the rest of what you are saying, though. In doing this, let me share a little more about when my wife and I got married. I'm not recommending this course of action to anyone, but this is the true start to our marriage.

I met my wife because I was lost in a foreign country, and she was the only one who had studied English at all in the place where I stopped to find help (and her English was not good at that time). She went so far out of her way to help that she went and got some of her own money and paid for a taxi to get me back to where I needed to go. I felt terrible about it, so I made notes of where this place was, and the next day, I returned there in a taxi to be sure I paid her back even though she never asked me to do that.

There are a few critical events that happened in the next few days that I don't have time or space to write here, but to shorten it down: I proposed to her two weeks after I met her. We were married 3 months after we met. I posted above that it was 6 months after we were married before we even learned to make her orgasm, so sex wasn't perfect when we got married. However; the way I think about it, it would have taken us six months to learn that even if we weren't married. I'm really glad we didn't just give up, because 27 years after being married, our sex life is great. We had a lot to learn, just as I said in my first post in this thread, but we learned it together, and we improved over the years as I've posted in other threads. I have a lot of info if you're interested in the "How would you classify your sex" thread, and you can see there that there is nothing resembling a dissatifying inhibition. I also describe there very briefly how it developed over the years, and it did take years to get anywhere close to where we are today.

I'm glad I didn't just try it out and decide "Well, she's not very good in bed" and just leave it there because if I had, I would have missed out on the greatest friend and blessing in my life, and someone who would develop into a great sex partner over the years. I can promise you I wasn't very good, so I'm likewise glad she didn't just try me out and decide I wasn't very good and she needed to move on. I'm doubly glad that the person I REALLY learned about sex with was her - no regret, and if I had it to do over again, that's exactly how I'd want it to happen next time. 

We can discuss our social backgrounds if you'd like, but the reason I just don't buy the arguments that people so casually toss out about how you need to test drive the car first and if it isn't good when you test drive it, then you're setting yourself up for failure to continue is because I have my own experience to draw from. It started awkwardly, and in a manner that nobody would recommend a relationship start, and it became something great - the greatest blessing in my life. (BTW, No, I didn't recommend to my kids that they start relationships like this, either, but they all know the story).

But back to your opening sentence, after 27 years of marriage, I'm comfortable, and very much in love with that lady, but I STILL don't know everything about her. I know enough about her to trust her, but if you think about it, she made a big gesture that helped that trust the first time she met this stupid American who was out exploring in her country without even taking enough money to pay for a taxi.

I also realize you said "often" and not "always," and I realize what that means .


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Awesome post Shy_guy; I really enjoyed reading the story of you and your wife.

So my plane ticket to see my husband in his country at the end of this month has been confirmed. He and I really need to have a deep talk about our issues (including sexuality) and I hope we will have that talk either tonight or tomorrow.


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't particularly enjoy going down on my husband, but I do it because he likes it and I like making him happy.

I think that marriage, more than anything, is about mutual compromise and sacrifice. I don't think the dealbreaker is him not wanting to go down on you, it's the fact that he doesn't want to do something simply to make you happy. 

I'd be like quit whining, it's just a vagina. Now get down there and shut up. lol


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

When he does give your Oral act like its the greatest thing in the world and make all kinds of sounds of pleasure,let him know that he is making you go crazy.

We you do get together again just have a good old day of exploring each others naked bodies,lick,suck,caress and anything else you want to do and he should catch on to do the same,but hold off on the intercourse.If you don't have some go out and get some flavored lube and use it everywhere.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> While I see you laughing, I think this analogy is taken too seriously too often.
> 
> I'm not aware of any studies that link abstinance until marriage with crippling inhibitions - neither higher nor lower incidence of them. It would be interesting to see if any study exists, and if it does, if other social factors are also involved. However; this board provides plenty of opportunity to observe for crippling inhibitions in a non-scientific environment and ask about such factors as whether or not a test drive was taken.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't care about scientific studies when it comes to this issue. I have seen too many marriages have MAJOR sexual problems because of this outdated notion of virginity until marriage. My beliefs come from my vast personal experience, as well as what I read on TAM.

I can't be the only person who has seen sexual inexperience cause problems. So maybe if Mythbusters looked into this issue, you might be very surprised. 

Your answer comes from wanting to validate your marriage and the way abstinence worked for you and your wife. In these times, you are the exception and not the rule. You were married nearly THIRTY years ago! That is why I did not say that marriages like yours "never" work out.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I honestly don't care about scientific studies when it comes to this issue. I have seen too many marriages have MAJOR sexual problems because of this outdated notion of virginity until marriage. My beliefs come from my vast personal experience, as well as what I read on TAM.
> 
> I can't be the only person who has seen sexual inexperience cause problems. So maybe if Mythbusters looked into this issue, you might be very surprised.
> 
> Your answer comes from wanting to validate your marriage and the way abstinence worked for you and your wife. In these times, you are the exception and not the rule. You were married nearly THIRTY years ago! That is why I did not say that marriages like yours "never" work out.


You make a lot of assumptions when you begin wanting to tell me where my answer comes from. Do tendencies to make these types of assumptions figure into how you form other opinions as well?

This is, in fact, what I meant when I said I understand about confirmation bias, cognitive bias, and how we defend out perceptions from things that contradict it with our Cognitive Dissonance. We all have these things, and make use of these things. The funny thing is that it is usually easier to spot in someone else than in ourselves when we make arguments. 

You might recognize that I also recognize that I am an exception at least in some ways when I say I wouldn't recommend anyone start like this.

TAM is a place where mostly people with problems come. Would you agree? If this is true, then I would think it would also mean that we can get a skewed view of the real situation if we look at problems here and think it is the norm. I can see problems here, no doubt. I don't really see the inhibitions caused by abstinence until marriage, though. But regardless, I would have to think that any type of problem expressed here is going to seem more common than it is in the population as a whole, just because of the nature of the site. What are your thoughts on this?

I'm sure that you see examples in your experience just as I do, but we do need to be aware of how our cognitive processes filter our perception to confirm what we already believe, or what we want to believe. Studies are one thing that can help us to get past these cognitive processes and emotional filters to see if our beliefs really hold up.

Admittedly, with mythbusters, I was making a bit of an attempt at a joke. But what I like about that show is that they take on things that people have always assumed to be true, and often show that they are not true. I might be surprised at the results of any study, that's true, but my point is that neither of us really have anything to base an objective conclusion on. I give what I think based in part on my experience. While you may think that you have something objective to offer that contradicts that, what you have is really the same thing that I have, and nothing more.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> You make a lot of assumptions when you begin wanting to tell me where my answer comes from. Do tendencies to make these types of assumptions figure into how you form other opinions as well?
> 
> This is, in fact, what I meant when I said I understand about confirmation bias, cognitive bias, and how we defend out perceptions from things that contradict it with our Cognitive Dissonance. We all have these things, and make use of these things. The funny thing is that it is usually easier to spot in someone else than in ourselves when we make arguments.
> 
> ...


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I'd be very interested in knowing why you do not recommend it. How can you defend a choice that you don't recommend to others?


The context in which I offered that account was in response to an assertion about marrying someone you don't know well, and in what that would mean to know someone well. My experience says "Not always," and that experience is what it is whether it was a good idea or not. I'm not defending the way I went about it, but there are details that I left out in those critical events I spoke about that provides more of my motivation. If I had time to give them, you might understand a little bit better why I went forward so quickly.

I would not recommend someone propose 2 weeks after meeting someone and be married 3 months later despite what I did. The reason is that there are obvious risks. My younger daughter who is getting married next month had a courtship much more in line with what my ideals are. However; you can't just dismiss my experience and say that someone who does like what I did will never be happy, will be inhibited, will have problems, or will get a divorce. Is there really any more chance that someone who does this is at any more risk than someone who has multiple partners before marriage and finds the one they think is "right?" I think there might be, but honestly, that's just what I think - I don't have anything to objectively tell me whether chances are higher in any statistically signifiant amount.

I did what I did. It is what it is. It turned out like it turned out. I can now look at it in hindsight and see 27 years of the results - I'm not guessing about those 27 years anymore, nor taking anybody's word for what it will be like. My experience means what it means, and I give it just for the benefit of someone who may find it beneficial. Because I think there may be risks, I can't give that type of courtship a recommendation.



FirstYearDown said:


> I was raised Catholic and catholic schoolgirls are often indoctrinated to view sex as something to be feared. The women I know that stayed in the church all complained about sexual inhibitions and issues. They also spoke of the taboo around discussing sexual problems with their religious peers; it was seen as uncouth. I was the go-to girl for advice about sex because I refused to wait until marriage.
> 
> I don't think TAM is necessarily a microcosm of society; people on this website seem very conservative. How interesting that you chose to ignore my personal experience as a reason for my beliefs; you're seeing what you choose to see and admitting that your path is not one that others should take. Cognitive dissonance at it's best.


Here's a very important additional factor. You are telling me about what Catholic girls are taught about sex, and how it is to be feared. I can see that this can bring about many inhibitions, but that is separate from being taught to abstain until marriage.

In my background, I was raised in a protestant church. My mother told me that God invented sex, and He thought it was a good idea or He wouldn't have invented it. She did tell me it was reserved for marriage, but that it should be fully expressed between a husband and a wife. She also got books for me about marriage and sex when I was in high school - some very explicit books written from a Christian perspective. 

My wife grew up in a Buddhist household where sex wasn't really discussed. She got an absolute minimal instruction growing up. She told me she actually cried when she got her first period because she thought there was something seriously wrong with her, and her mother and sisters first laughed at her for crying, then explained it to her. She later left home because she converted to Christianity shortly before she met me, and that was considered a very bad thing in her household.

So three very different backgrounds. Can you see that these might bring about very different perspectives on sex regardless of whether the people involved waited until marriage or not?

I'm asserting that the inhibitions you are giving come more from the instructions the people received than from whether or not they abstained before marriage.

(For my wife: Just as her mother and sisters explained her period to her after it started, her mother explained sex in marriage to her very well once she was married. She was naieve, but she did not have any inhibitions when we were married. If you're looking for a contradiction in my story, yes, she was reconciled with her parents after she left home. That's another story involving a lot of cultural elements.)

Now the original poster comes on and I (admittedly looking for this because of my background) think there are cultural and moral aspects to her decisions. I recognize from my situation that morals and culture add a great deal to the marriage (looking back on 27 years, not guessing what those 27 years might be like for us), and they do not have to be an inhibition. Her morals and culture are a big part of who she is. I don't see anything beneficial in telling her her moral beliefs are in error, especially since I don't think they are. The question now becomes, what does she do from here? I don't see her experience at this point in her life as confirming anything about whether or not a person should have sex before getting married - that's a separate issue all together.

This is the angle I have answered from. Giving my experience here is just intended, just as when I share my experience elsewhere, to give an example why I may disagree with someone when I do, or just to say, "Here's the road I walked. Maybe you can get some benefit from what I learned." In the end, the OP owns the decision on what course of action she is going to take. I don't want to own the decision for her, I just want to give some benefit from experience, and let her take that into account along with others who may be willing to share experience. I learn from others, and I just want to offer the opportunity back if it is helpful. If it isn't helpful, she is certainly free to ignore it.

I'm sure I exercised some cognitive dissonance in that since we all do that. Can you understand what I'm saying, though? Do you disagree with me in this?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> The context in which I offered that account was in response to an assertion about marrying someone you don't know well, and in what that would mean to know someone well. My experience says "Not always," and that experience is what it is whether it was a good idea or not. I'm not defending the way I went about it, but there are details that I left out in those critical events I spoke about that provides more of my motivation. If I had time to give them, you might understand a little bit better why I went forward so quickly.
> 
> I would not recommend someone propose 2 weeks after meeting someone and be married 3 months later despite what I did. The reason is that there are obvious risks. My younger daughter who is getting married next month had a courtship much more in line with what my ideals are. However; you can't just dismiss my experience and say that someone who does like what I did will never be happy, will be inhibited, will have problems, or will get a divorce. I did not use the word "never". Thanks for clarifying what you wouldn't recommend.Is there really any more chance that someone who does this is at any more risk than someone who has multiple partners before marriage and finds the one they think is "right?" I think there might be, but honestly, that's just what I think - I don't have anything to objectively tell me whether chances are higher in any statistically signifiant amount.
> 
> ...


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> Here's a very important additional factor. You are telling me about what Catholic girls are taught about sex, and how it is to be feared. I can see that this can bring about many inhibitions, but that is separate from being taught to abstain until marriage.


I disagree, respectfully. Making something sound horrible and frightening is a useful tool in making sure people don't want to do it.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> How many women **** the brains out of their hubby to be and then quit when the first kid comes along? That's a heck of a lot more common than problems between two virgins.


A bait and switch is different than a physical attraction/incompatability. Like, what if she wanted a circumsized man, and he wasn't. Or what if there is an odor issue, you'd want to know these things before you're stuck. the likliehood of divorce/unhappiness is equal in both, so i'd rather at least have some fun before it goes south.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Sawney Beane said:


> I disagree, respectfully. Making something sound horrible and frightening is a useful tool in making sure people don't want to do it.


I'm not sure how much more energy I have to respond, and you probably notice that I can't be brief .

I think you just described that making sex sound horrible and frightening creates an inhibition. I'm saying that abstinence until marriage can be taught without the fear and negativity, and I think if it is, then it doesn't create inhibitions that many express. I think it is the way it is taught, rather than the practice of abstienence that creates the inhibitions. In this sense, the two are separate issues. I think the OP is not inhibited even though she practiced abstinence.

Do we still disagree?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Sounds like the two of you are not compatible.

Problems in bed are just the beginning. You probably are already building up resentment, and this resentment will fester and lead to resentments in other areas of your marriage.

You will never know why your husband is the way he is, but he is obviously very immature.

I literally wore my first wife out the first six months we were married.  He should be making it hard for you to walk upright this early on in your marrriage.

If you have been married less than a year, I would consider an anullment. It will be painful to break up with him, but not as painful as a divorce ten years down the road after you have grown to hate him. Do not let it go that far.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

shy_guy said:


> I'm not sure how much more energy I have to respond, and you probably notice that I can't be brief .
> 
> I think you just described that making sex sound horrible and frightening creates an inhibition. I'm saying that abstinence until marriage can be taught without the fear and negativity, and I think if it is, then it doesn't create inhibitions that many express. I think it is the way it is taught, rather than the practice of abstienence that creates the inhibitions. In this sense, the two are separate issues. I think the OP is not inhibited even though she practiced abstinence.
> 
> Do we still disagree?


I think we agree - sort of

Abstinence can be taught via positive messages or via negative messages. If it's taught via positive messages it is probably far less likely to create inhibitions (I would never say "won't cause"). If it's taught via fear and loathing, then inhibitions post-marriage are probably considered to be an acceptable collateral loss.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Sawney Beane said:


> I think we agree - sort of
> 
> Abstinence can be taught via positive messages or via negative messages. If it's taught via positive messages it is probably far less likely to create inhibitions (I would never say "won't cause"). If it's taught via fear and loathing, then inhibitions post-marriage are probably considered to be an acceptable collateral loss.


 I think we agree fully.

Edit: The challenges in this thread moved me to call my daughters and discuss how we taught about sex when they were growing up. I'm sure they were thrilled to get a call from their dad to discuss that . I had a good conversation with both of them. I'm pretty happy with what I heard . I'm also pretty happy that they can still talk to me about it even though they're adults.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> I disagree, respectfully. Making something sound horrible and frightening is a useful tool in making sure people don't want to do it.


:iagree:

This is why we were shown a graphic birth video; to scare a bunch of impressionable girls out of having sex. I can still remember the nun cackling as some of us vomited, passed out or wept.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

spudster said:


> Sounds like the two of you are not compatible.
> 
> Problems in bed are just the beginning. You probably are already building up resentment, and this resentment will fester and lead to resentments in other areas of your marriage.
> 
> ...


But I don't think it is a fatal flaw in the marriage. They just got started. They have been away from each other more than together. Difficult to work on the sexual part of the relationship with lots of starts and stops. 

If they don't develop the tools to communicate about mutual satisfaction in this relationship they won't in the next. 

Why not stay and work on it. If, after some time, there is no improvement then consider separating. 

Your're not wasting your time. Perfecting this kind of communication will help you in the next relationship, if it should come to that.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Pin him down - sit on his face - and go to town until you get what you need or he passes out.

But in a nice way...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Pin him down - sit on his face - and go to town until you get what you need or he passes out.
> 
> But in a nice way...


dang, youre making me hungry. 
and im starving.


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## truumarriage (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm in the same boat. H does not like to give, he says he's just not into that. Oral is not something we do often, I'm not very motivated to give many bj's if I haven't been given some oral too! Not sure what it is either, I'm in great shape and am very clean. :-\


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

some guys just dont realize the finer things in life.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I will admit - the very first time (I was 18) - being a bit weirded out. It is somewhat of an acquired taste. But there's really no good reason for a man not to do this.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I will admit - the very first time (I was 18) - being a bit weirded out. It is somewhat of an acquired taste. But there's really no good reason for a man not to do this.


i was 18 also.
i loved it from then on.
never found it weird at all.
only yummy.


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