# About to be married and we've got issues



## new to this (Aug 18, 2011)

We're on the cusp of marriage. We've been together for a few years and we've had our share of ups and downs (hasn't everyone?)
Well lately we've been fighting seemingly non stop. A lot of it is due to my fault of not holding up my share in the relationship (I think) and I also think it's due to stress of the wedding coming up as we didn't have a year long engagement since I proposed to her. I also think we didn't really get a chance to prepare ourselves for marriage since it has been a relatively quick time period from proposal to wedding day.

She doesn't see me as a partner, or someone who she can count on, and that's hard to swallow. I don't know if she's just being unreasonable as I see so many of my friends and her friends who do so much less with their relationship and their companions seem to be totally fine with it, or is it really that I just suck so much. I know it's not good to compare relationships however because you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

I don't know how this is going to work and we're both really scared as we're about to take this huge step in life together that we were both sure of and looking forward to but lately we can't stand each other.

I suppose I have two questions for the married people out there:
Is it normal to be not getting along before your wedding day? (when you've done most of the planning yourselves)

For the guys: what do you do when you've screwed up a few times in various ways, or perhaps you continually do something stupid? How can you ever be "right" and not be blamed for everything that is wrong with your relationship even when you're legitimately trying?


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## lonelyman (Jun 28, 2011)

Any problems a relationship has normally get worse after you get married, marriage does not fix anything or any problems,

I think you should be postponing this wedding,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

new to this said:


> Is it normal to be not getting along before your wedding day? (when you've done most of the planning yourselves)


No.. You should be giddy and in love.
Hating each other usually begins 2-3 years after marriage.



new to this said:


> For the guys: what do you do when you've screwed up a few times in various ways, or perhaps you continually do something stupid? How can you ever be "right" and not be blamed for everything that is wrong with your relationship even when you're legitimately trying?


Read about manning up. Please postpone your wedding. That would be the first step in answering your question. The answer to your question is rather than trying to "make up for you mistakes" and forever try harder to make her happy, the answer is you tell her that you are who you are, you make mistakes once in a while, and if she does not want to accept you for who you are she can leave.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Your question is moot. My wife and I were perfectly happy throughout our engagement and a few yeas into the marriage. I can't get her to admit when exactly she started hating me, but it was a few years after, max.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

In my opinion, postponing the wedding will be expensive, embarrassing and heartbreaking. Having said that, going through with it and then being miserable will be WAY more expensive in so many ways. 

If you are at the brink of your wedding and she is telling you that she doesn't feel as though you are meeting her needs, PLEASE have an honest conversation about that BEFORE the wedding when you can still postpone it. You should be in the honeymoon phase at this point and if you're already past it, that should be a big-time flashing red light.

An honest conversation will be challenging, difficult and perhaps heartbreaking. Honestly an unhappy marriage and a divorce are 100 times worse. 

Weddings are stressful and guys aren't the only ones who screw up regularly. To me, the words of the day in marriage are grace and humility. If you don't have a fairly equal share of that, put on the brakes.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

lonelyman said:


> Any problems a relationship has normally get worse after you get married, marriage does not fix anything or any problems,
> 
> I think you should be postponing this wedding,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





rfAlaska said:


> In my opinion, postponing the wedding will be expensive, embarrassing and heartbreaking. Having said that, going through with it and then being miserable will be WAY more expensive in so many ways.
> 
> If you are at the brink of your wedding and she is telling you that she doesn't feel as though you are meeting her needs, PLEASE have an honest conversation about that BEFORE the wedding when you can still postpone it. You should be in the honeymoon phase at this point and if you're already past it, that should be a big-time flashing red light.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

There is a difference between wedding day butterflys and not getting along. Wedding day butterflys are common. Not getting along is a different story. There seem to be a lot of red flags in the relationship. Problems have a way of becoming magified within a marriage. These things within the relationship need to be figured out before getting married. If the wedding needs to be delayed or canceled in order for these things to happen, it will be all the better.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

new to this said:


> We're on the cusp of marriage. We've been together for a few years and we've had our share of ups and downs (hasn't everyone?)
> Well lately we've been fighting seemingly non stop. A lot of it is due to my fault of not holding up my share in the relationship (I think) and I also think it's due to stress of the wedding coming up as we didn't have a year long engagement since I proposed to her. I also think we didn't really get a chance to prepare ourselves for marriage since it has been a relatively quick time period from proposal to wedding day.


Wedding day stresses are normal.

However, and this is a big however, what you are describing is much worse.

First things first, I am an old fashioned man, and as much as I appreciate the solemness and importance of the ritual of the marriage ceremony, I see so much waste concerning these lavish, huge, mega expensive blowouts that really do nothing to help the marriage along, and often do much to inflate perhaps an already over inflated sense of entitlement to celebrate in a fashion that is beyond one's means, such as this "bridezilla" tragedy I keep reading about.

And by beyond one's means, that is not just financially, because if preparations are truly causing so much anxiety, then it is beyond one's means as well in an emotional or relationship toll.



> She doesn't see me as a partner, or someone who she can count on, and that's hard to swallow.


This is a red flag. You can spend hours, days, weeks on this website and read story after story of this exact same symptom. 

But these are usually stories after many years of marriage, not stories of a young dating couple.

However, the good news is the cause and the solution is the same, regardless of how many years. 



> I don't know if she's just being unreasonable as I see so many of my friends and her friends who do so much less with their relationship and their companions seem to be totally fine with it,


What examples can you give regarding "do so much less"? What are you doing more of exactly? 



> or is it really that I just suck so much.


That is funny.

I am sure it is not that you "suck so much", but I bet there are things about a relationship, fundamental things, you are probably in the dark regarding, particularly concerning how your behaviors as a man affect how your woman perceives you, and how she respects you.



> I know it's not good to compare relationships however because you never know what goes on behind closed doors.


Not so much worried about comparing relationships, but I am worried about one thing, that you as a man recognize something is not right.

Even if everything else in the relationship was perfect, if you have that recognition, then address it headlong. 

No matter what you may or may not believe or been taught or anything regarding relationships in this day of feminism or political correctness or whatever, as a man YOUR happiness, YOUR desires, YOUR goals, YOUR visions, YOUR opinion, is just as important as your woman's, and never forget this, or let any human being on this earth tell you otherwise getting out even one word of it.

Remembering this very thing, and being confident and even bold in acting and behaving from this very thing, is the difference from having a long lasting, passionate, sexual, and fulfilling marriage, and instead having the kind of miserable marriage that makes you long for the day of your death.



> I don't know how this is going to work and we're both really scared as we're about to take this huge step in life together that we were both sure of and looking forward to but lately we can't stand each other.


A woman with growing insecurities, even if she was before a lovely, sexual, fun-loving girl, will transform drastically into a perfectionist, a nag, an inconsolable b!tch.

And a woman with growing insecurities, will treat her man as if he was a boy, and where she used to feel attraction, she now feels resentment, and will begin to be repulsed by even the presence of her man.

IS this the behaviors you see happening in your woman?



> I suppose I have two questions for the married people out there:
> Is it normal to be not getting along before your wedding day? (when you've done most of the planning yourselves)


Aside from a few stress issues perhaps, it is not normal at all. 

The wedding day is merely a celebration, but the LIFE together is the true prize that should be what is generating such excitement during this time, the excitement of finally becoming together, and working together, and creating together a life.

If anticipating such a life together is not bringing you two together, then something is very wrong. 



> For the guys: what do you do when you've screwed up a few times in various ways, or perhaps you continually do something stupid?


As a man, especially a man looking to get married, this is how it works.

1. First, concerning yourself, put in place what needs to be put into place, take care of what needs to be taken care of, delegate what needs to be delegated, have a vision or goal for yourself (for example, imagine where you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years), and have much the same goal for your marriage, your family, etc, and then roll up your sleeves to make your vision or goal your own reality (education, work, hobbies, family life, sexual relations, etc). 

2. Once you take care of number 1, then don't take sh!t from anyone, and that includes your wife, about any of it.

That is being a happily married man in a nutshell.

Now I know this sounds too simple (it really is), but the hard work is done in number 1 by millions of good men all over the world every day, but many men who are really successful with number 1 still fall on their face on number 2, which leads to many of the relationship problems rooted in, of all things, lack of respect as man from his woman.

For that is the purpose of number 2, and what is often the antidote for a woman's insecurity with her man, even if he is a nice guy, a good husband, and tries and tries to do all things right, yet that he falls down on number 2. 

So that is why in the Men's Forum, we have a sticky for exactly this situation, and it is called many things like "manning up", or winning "Fitness tests", etc etc.

But really, it is all about the nuts and bolts of being successful as a man in both points 1 and 2 above.



> How can you ever be "right" and not be blamed for everything that is wrong with your relationship even when you're legitimately trying?


When, as a man, you realize you don't rise or fall even the slightest inch based on your woman's approval or disaproval of yourself, that ONLY YOU are your own yardstick of success or failure. 

And if you see your woman trying to test you, unbalance you, blame you for this or that (speaking of unrealistic emotional blame, not legitimate issues if they exist), you react only with amusement and humor at how cute she is when she misbehaves, then you will see success.

For the woman in a relationship with this kind of man, the kind of man of strength, confidence, and leadership, her insecurities will be replaced by respect and attraction for her man.

Insecurity and respect/attraction are inverse related, never forget this!

Come to the men's forum, start with the "nice guy" sticky at the top, read in detail about building and maintaining respect, passing fitness tests, stoking sexual attraction, you will surely see your exact situation in many of the posts.

I wish you well.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Also here is my own thread, written in response to a young newlywed man.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...-20-plus-years-very-happy-husband-writes.html


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think incompatibilities come to light many times in the pre marriage period. The purpose of engagement is not to get married so much as to get to know each other deeply enough to know if a wedding should take place. When issues arise, you work on a resolution that is mutually satisfying. If you can't resolve an issue, you can go your separate ways or go forwards with awareness. 

I think the engagement period is a period of learning how to fight, resolve conflicts., compromise, discover and meet each others needs etc. . What you are going through may be normal but you need time and help to acquire the skills necessary to have any chance of success. I read a study that indicates that couples who fight in the first few years of marriwge suceed better than non fighters. 

Maybe conflict is not nessesarily bad as long as you resolve your differences and fight fair. It's good that you know there is a problem and are motivated to act. Try MC before you take the drastic step of breaking up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

The relief that you're supposed to feel after the marriage every couple feel them? Everyone deserves a relationship after the marriage in the order written


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