# Philosophical Differences



## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 21 years. In the last seven or eight years, I have really started to notice some fundamental differences in how we see the world. (I say "started to notice" because I do not remember us having these issues earlier in our marriage - either I was too busy to notice, we didn't talk enough, and/or he has changed a lot. He would probably say the same about me.) The scenario is that we start talking about topic X, he starts saying things I find really disturbing, I get uncomfortable and upset, and then we decide not to talk about X anymore. After doing this for the last few years, we are starting to run out of things to talk about. 

The question I have for you all is what would you do if your SO started espousing opinions that you find really upsetting and disturbing, however, the opinions are about topics that do not really affect your daily life and are not dangerous to anyone. (I'm purposely not giving any specific examples because I do not want to derail the thread with actual discussions of said topics.) I can go on with our marriage without ever talking about X again but I know deep down that we have very different perspectives on how we see the world and it really bothers me. I did not realize this until we had been together for years, had kids, all the history of a marriage (along with all the hard work we have put in to make it this far, even with a few divorce scares). Do I throw that away because I cannot stand the way he talks about certain topics like to the point where I think that if he really believes these things, he has some serious character flaws? Or do I just keep going and ignore it? 

It would be nice to be in a romantic relationship with someone more suited to my outlook on the world, but at this point I do not know if that is enough to cause me to walk away from what I have now.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I would say that if the philosophical opinions don't affect how you act or treat each other and they don't come up regularly, that it can be one of those things you can agree to disagree on. Caveat being if it is something that speaks to his character to the point where you can't trust or respect him as a person / man, then it might be something you'd have to think more deeply about.

Unless its pineapple on pizza, then divorce him right away because that's just wrong.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I can guess what X is but I’ll respect your thread and not mention it.



Running Mom said:


> ...the opinions are about topics that do not really affect your daily life and are not dangerous to anyone.


You say this and yet you consider leaving your life partner over it. So there is an impact on your daily life and you should figure out why.

If your husband has changed his views and these are things that you use to discuss freely without incident then what changed?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So its not going to impact peoples safety or daily life, but according to you your hb can't discuss his opinions with his own wife without you getting upset.

So your world view is superior and you can't deal with him seeing things differently?

Perhaps he'd like a partner that he can share his opinions with without her getting upset that he doesn't agree.

Just another way to look at it.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Running Mom said:


> *It would be nice to be in a romantic relationship with someone more suited to my outlook on the world*, but at this point I do not know if that is enough to cause me to walk away from what I have now.


What's the new guys name?

Is the argument you're using in the OP a trial run for the one you'll tell your family and friends when you implode a seemingly good marriage......sorta kinda like testing it out here?

I'm probably way off base, never mind me.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> So its not going to impact peoples safety or daily life, but according to you your hb can't discuss his opinions with his own wife without you getting upset.
> 
> So your world view is superior and you can't deal with him seeing things differently?
> 
> ...


EXCELLENT points.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Running Mom said:


> My husband and I have been married for 21 years. In the last seven or eight years, I have really started to notice some fundamental differences in how we see the world. (I say "started to notice" because I do not remember us having these issues earlier in our marriage - either I was too busy to notice, we didn't talk enough, and/or he has changed a lot. He would probably say the same about me.) The scenario is that we start talking about topic X, he starts saying things I find really disturbing, I get uncomfortable and upset, and then we decide not to talk about X anymore. After doing this for the last few years, we are starting to run out of things to talk about.
> 
> The question I have for you all is what would you do if your SO started espousing opinions that you find really upsetting and disturbing, however, the opinions are about topics that do not really affect your daily life and are not dangerous to anyone. (I'm purposely not giving any specific examples because I do not want to derail the thread with actual discussions of said topics.) I can go on with our marriage without ever talking about X again but I know deep down that we have very different perspectives on how we see the world and it really bothers me. I did not realize this until we had been together for years, had kids, all the history of a marriage (along with all the hard work we have put in to make it this far, even with a few divorce scares). Do I throw that away because I cannot stand the way he talks about certain topics like to the point where I think that if he really believes these things, he has some serious character flaws? Or do I just keep going and ignore it?
> 
> It would be nice to be in a romantic relationship with someone more suited to my outlook on the world, but at this point I do not know if that is enough to cause me to walk away from what I have now.


Change the conversation about to the problems not the solutions. You may agree about the actual problems.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> So its not going to impact peoples safety or daily life, but according to you your hb can't discuss his opinions with his own wife without you getting upset.
> 
> So your world view is superior and you can't deal with him seeing things differently?
> 
> ...


I think this is another fine point. We don't have to all agree. I don't know were we got to the place where if your opinion is different then mine you are evil and that seems to be where we are now.

Actually I do know, if you can get the people on your team to hate the people opposite your team then you don't have to worry that they may be convinced to change their mind. 

Emotion is a much easier and lazy way to win an argument.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Running Mom said:


> My husband and I have been married for 21 years. In the last seven or eight years, I have really started to notice some fundamental differences in how we see the world. (I say "started to notice" because I do not remember us having these issues earlier in our marriage - either I was too busy to notice, we didn't talk enough, and/or he has changed a lot. He would probably say the same about me.) The scenario is that we start talking about topic X, he starts saying things I find really disturbing, I get uncomfortable and upset, and then we decide not to talk about X anymore. After doing this for the last few years, we are starting to run out of things to talk about.
> 
> The question I have for you all is what would you do if your SO started espousing opinions that you find really upsetting and disturbing, however, the opinions are about topics that do not really affect your daily life and are not dangerous to anyone. (I'm purposely not giving any specific examples because I do not want to derail the thread with actual discussions of said topics.) I can go on with our marriage without ever talking about X again but I know deep down that we have very different perspectives on how we see the world and it really bothers me. I did not realize this until we had been together for years, had kids, all the history of a marriage (along with all the hard work we have put in to make it this far, even with a few divorce scares). Do I throw that away because I cannot stand the way he talks about certain topics like to the point where I think that if he really believes these things, he has some serious character flaws? Or do I just keep going and ignore it?
> 
> It would be nice to be in a romantic relationship with someone more suited to my outlook on the world, but at this point I do not know if that is enough to cause me to walk away from what I have now.


If there are changes, which is highly likely, it's in both of you. We all change as we age, and even shift 180 from what we used to believe and feel. But we do it so gradually that we don't see it, especially in ourselves, until it slaps us in the face. And we rarely see it in ourselves until someone else points it out, if then.

The thing you have to decide is can you live with his current beliefs? 

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Running Mom said:


> The question I have for you all is what would you do if your SO started espousing opinions that you find really upsetting and disturbing, however, the opinions are about topics that do not really affect your daily life and are not dangerous to anyone.


Allow me to table my response to the question you pose by asking you if your husband is still unemployed. After more than seven years, there is still a major disconnect in your communication in this specific relationship. 

If you are just here to vent, fine. Frankly, it sounds like this has been a mismatch for quite awhile, if not from the beginning.

So to address your question. You say your husband's opinions "disturb" you. Yet they don't affect your day-to-day living nor are they dangerous to anyone. All I can say is we live in a world today where everyone is either apologizing for just about anything they say or we're in an uproar over the nonsense they said. 

These are contentious times in which we live.

My honest opinion is what your husband espouses is secondary to your overall unhappiness with the marriage. JMO


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

My husband has several opinions on topics I dont agree with, so no I have to say I personally wouldn't divorce my husband over a difference of opinion. Do you guys have something other than controversial topics that you bond over? Common hobbies? Common goals? To me there are so many more things in a relationship than how my husband feels on X topic of which doesn't affect us or we have no power to change anyways.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I can't say if this is the case here, but the political divides we are seeing played out have done a lot of damage in many of the relationships/marriages of people I know...What's odd is that it's seemingly starting a bit of a gender war on top of everything else going on...

I don't have too much in the way of real world advice, I guess just avoid those topics, if they aren't germane to your lifestyle or relationship...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

This was such a problem for me too, we do not agree on so many things. I too considered at one stage if we were right for eachother long term.

Some people have mentioned superiority. I once tried to just listen to his views and really tried to understand him. And I thought to myself, why am I better because I don’t agree? And it really did come down to me thinking that I was morally superior. And maybe he feels the same!

This was a long time ago, we do have some very heated political/philosophical disagreements but I am happy to say we can have them and move on respectfully. There are so many other things we agree on and so many similarities too. The idea is to forget forcing your view down eachother’s throats. After all, they are just that views.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unless his views are dangerous ones, such as saying that hurting others is ok, or breaking the law is ok, or cheating is ok, then I cant see the issue. If its political for example then so what? If people cant be married to someone with who they disagree on politics, half of marriages would probably end. Stop thinking that you have the right views and he has the wrong ones, and respect his views even if you dont agree with them.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

If it is political, understand that it doesn’t affect 90% of the country who the hell is president. It only affects the upper and lower 5%. No matter who won the election, I guarantee your life will be the same the next 4 years as it was for the last 4 years. You will pay roughly the same in taxes. The programs added or cut won’t affect the average American one bit. You will still own your gun. Illegals will still pour in. Everyone is so wrapped up in a nothing ball. Shut off the TV. Shut off CNN and FOX. Watch a movie. Take out a crossword puzzle. Play a board game with your husband and kids. Have your differences, but don’t get divorced over it.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

An appropriate response to a political/philosophical difference is "_tell me more_", not "_how dare you!_"


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

No way I could be with someone who has views I find "disturbing".


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> No way I could be with someone who has views I find "disturbing".


 Not saying its the case for you, but I think the problem here is the bar for what people find "disturbing",.*IME,* is at an all time low right now....It's almost like you can't be in someone's company unless you are a complete sycophant/toadie or have absolutely no areas of difference in any life philosophy or endeavor....While everyone is entitled to live their lives in the way that suits them best, that's not what I would ever demand of, nor do I have such rigid and immovable fields of interest and such...What I and probably a lot of others find to be "disturbing" is far off the charts of many people....It's become so bad, you feel like walking on eggshells talking to people some times for fear of setting them off.....For what seems is almost nothing...

Variety and a little push back on things make it more interesting


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> No way I could be with someone who has views I find "disturbing".


Surely it depends on what it is? Some get 'disturbed' and offended so easily these days, such as the woke among the population. According to them we must all agree with what they think or else. Maybe its sometimes the one who is so easily disturbed or offended who has the problem?
Of course we cant say here as we dont know what the issue is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Surely it depends on what it is?


Sure, but she still finds it disturbing, which is not a very good base for a relationship. I don't think "what it is" was the point.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> So its not going to impact peoples safety or daily life, but according to you your hb can't discuss his opinions with his own wife without you getting upset.
> 
> So your world view is superior and you can't deal with him seeing things differently?
> 
> ...


I'm sure he does but my question is about what you could tolerate in a marriage. Also, I did not say that my view is superior, just that it is different.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Allow me to table my response to the question you pose by asking you if your husband is still unemployed. After more than seven years, there is still a major disconnect in your communication in this specific relationship.
> 
> If you are just here to vent, fine. Frankly, it sounds like this has been a mismatch for quite awhile, if not from the beginning.
> 
> ...


Yep. This is all very possible.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Guess it depends on how you define “disturbing” and how does it creep in. TBH, when it comes to things like this focus instead on probing questions. Instead of feeling the need to defend something make them defend theirs. 

Often times, a lot of times, people can go beyond the superficial, cliches or “talking points”. 

“Disturbing” is often relative but you also have to considered whether you want to be hurt by an opinion you don’t believe.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Running Mom said:


> I'm sure he does but my question is about what you could tolerate in a marriage. Also, I did not say that my view is superior, just that it is different.


But you getting upset implies that you think your view is superior. I know lots of people that see things differently then me but it doesn't bother me because I recognize that people can have different but equally valid views.

Also, recognizing how he might feel encourages empathy. Empathy goes a long way towards what you can tolerate and even sympathize with. I've heard many viewpoints that I don't personally agree with but I can also understand why they'd feel that way. People come from different places that shape them.

Your post cane across as very black and white; he thinks one way, you don't agree and get upset and refuse to discuss further, so what can you tolerate.

The answer to your question is I can tolerate most any view that's not dangerous, demeaning, and is well thought out.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I understand where the OP is coming from. My partner doesn’t have to share my opinions, and there are views and beliefs that I understand even though I don’t hold them. However, there are also views that I just don’t respect. And it’s hard to listen to your spouse share views that you don’t respect. 
My exH started being very verbal about things I just didn’t respect. And it affected our relationship obviously. I did the best I could, but when you lose respect for a man, it’s difficult to be married to them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do his philosophical viewpoints cause you to lose respect for him? 

You told him 4 years ago that you wanted a divorce and, yet, you're still there. Has he done anything to address your issues such as getting a job, becoming more sociable, helping with the house and kids, stop nagging you for daily sex? 

Honestly, it looks like you're trying to find THE reason to allow you to follow through with a divorce. What's stopping you? What is so enjoyable about being married to this guy that you don't pull the plug? I can guarantee that you won't have any problem finding another lazy leech who has philosophical viewpoints more to your liking.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> I understand where the OP is coming from. My partner doesn’t have to share my opinions, and there are views and beliefs that I understand even though I don’t hold them. However, there are also views that I just don’t respect. And it’s hard to listen to your spouse share views that you don’t respect.
> My exH started being very verbal about things I just didn’t respect. And it affected our relationship obviously. I did the best I could, but when you lose respect for a man, it’s difficult to be married to them.


This... ^^^ it's not just matter of the opinion itself, but what this opinion means in the relationship with the person you are married to and you are supposed to respect.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you’re talking about something really divisive — like politics, for example — then you have the choice not to discuss it. My ex-husband and I once aligned politically but his views changed over time so that was no longer a topic of discussion. People have different opinions and those opinions can change — sometimes greatly. Some people are okay with that and some aren’t. You’ll have to decide how you feel.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’ll give people an example from my marriage. My exH is a surgeon. He occasionally operates on kids. He developed this view that when the child is “retarded” the time and effort to operate on them is NOT worth his time. He would come home and say such terrible negative things about these “retards”. And he said retard over and over and over again. It drove me mad!!! I told him politely not to use that word, and he refused. I told him how it affected my mood, he didn’t care. He then told me that I was a bad wife because I don’t allow him to come home after a long day and allow him to speak his mind. All I said was... I don’t like that word. Regardless he kept using that word and other worse to describe people. 

Is he allowed to say that? Of course. But there are consequences for people’s actions. I started to slowly lose respect for him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I’ll give people an example from my marriage. My exH is a surgeon. He occasionally operates on kids. He developed this view that when the child is “retarded” the time and effort to operate on them is NOT worth his time. He would come home and say such terrible negative things about these “retards”. And he said retard over and over and over again. It drove me mad!!! I told him politely not to use that word, and he refused. I told him how it affected my mood, he didn’t care. He then told me that I was a bad wife because I don’t allow him to come home after a long day and allow him to speak his mind. All I said was... I don’t like that word. Regardless he kept using that word and other worse to describe people.
> 
> Is he allowed to say that? Of course. But there are consequences for people’s actions. I started to slowly lose respect for him.


Geez, your ex is such an asshole. Did I say asshole? I meant ASSHOLE.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Geez, your ex is such an asshole. Did I say asshole? I meant ASSHOLE.


Yup. But he turned everything around on me. It was always my fault. I was the bad wife who just didn’t understand.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I read some background posts, do you love your husband at all??


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

About 30 years ago, we came into work to be greeted by security and we were all led into a room and told the company folded and we no longer had jobs.

Some people said nothing, some people were glad, some people exploded. One man said, ‘I feel like getting a gun and shooting something!. Others said angry things about the govt, corporations, greed.

We all went home. By that evening, this man was on the news, security reported him, his home was raided, nothing was found.

He had no gun, no history of violence, no history of violence or really any dark or disturbing views.

So, sometimes we say things that don’t always indicate who we are.

We have not heard his side of things, but what does stand out is that he desires you and wants sex with you - YOU!! You don’t want him, don’t desire him, and wonder if there’s someone else more suited to you.

I’m not taking sides or being harsh at all, I hear your frustrations.

I went through this a long time ago, a brilliant therapist suggested I actually try having sex every day. That I actually really listen to his views, laugh at his jokes, hear him out when I felt he was against the kids. That I make the first move.

I am so so in love with this man who is so different to me and grumpy sometimes. I’m not superior and it feels better for ME that I find something each day to love about him. And that I got over myself too. I was unhappy about other things in the end, mostly myself.

I’m really hoping you can move on from him and maybe there’ll be someone for you and another woman to raise his self-esteem for him. Again, not at all being harsh, I do hear and understand you.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Running Mom said:


> My husband and I have been married for 21 years. In the last seven or eight years, I have really started to notice some fundamental differences in how we see the world. (I say "started to notice" because I do not remember us having these issues earlier in our marriage - either I was too busy to notice, we didn't talk enough, and/or he has changed a lot. He would probably say the same about me.) The scenario is that we start talking about topic X, he starts saying things I find really disturbing, I get uncomfortable and upset, and then we decide not to talk about X anymore. After doing this for the last few years, we are starting to run out of things to talk about.
> 
> The question I have for you all is what would you do if your SO started espousing opinions that you find really upsetting and disturbing, however, the opinions are about topics that do not really affect your daily life and are not dangerous to anyone. (I'm purposely not giving any specific examples because I do not want to derail the thread with actual discussions of said topics.) I can go on with our marriage without ever talking about X again but I know deep down that we have very different perspectives on how we see the world and it really bothers me. I did not realize this until we had been together for years, had kids, all the history of a marriage (along with all the hard work we have put in to make it this far, even with a few divorce scares). Do I throw that away because I cannot stand the way he talks about certain topics like to the point where I think that if he really believes these things, he has some serious character flaws? Or do I just keep going and ignore it?
> 
> It would be nice to be in a romantic relationship with someone more suited to my outlook on the world, but at this point I do not know if that is enough to cause me to walk away from what I have now.


I would say the one success I've had with this kind of thing is when I simply chuckle with my SO when she comes out with some point of view that goes against my convictions. I chuckle like I agree, and ask her to go on, elaborate. If she asks my honest opinion I'll totally give it and admit it must sound bad to her but that's how I am. I don't try and persuade her about anything and ts got to where she's not feeling threatened by my views any more, because she's seen Im not spooked by hers. We are beginning to just be happier to understand each other than to persuade each other or even agree about anything. 

Everything else is a bit **** but we're not getting upset over politics these days at least.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like you guys grew apart rather than grew together, after 21 years. 
Some philosophical differences can find a compromise, but without more information, unsure how to advise.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Looks like you guys grew apart rather than grew together, after 21 years.
> Some philosophical differences can find a compromise, but without more information, unsure how to advise.


Absolutely, its impossible to really help when we have no idea if this is just about politics or something more serious.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I could understand if you were upset about one particular thing he said. But if everything that's coming out of his mouth is suddenly disturbing to you then you probably just aren't into him anymore.

My wife is a little disturbed I voted for Trump and I'm a little disturbed she doesn't understand why but we're into each other. So disturbance gives way to passion.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You can have different views on things, as long as you share the same values and morality. If you feel his views are disturbing, this means they go against what you believe is right. It is not about superiority. It is about different set of values.

Not good.


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