# Can't get past my insecurities



## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

I have been seeing my boyfriend now for alittle over a yr if you have read any of my posts you will know that he can be very standoffish at times and wants to take things really slow.He has not told me he loves me only he has strong feelings for me and he is faithful.
He has been divorced from his wife for about 5 yrs she was the one who initiated it and he went through alot of heartache so I can understand that he is scared.
His ex wife has been dating a man for about the same amount of time we have been together and I just recently found out that she is no longer with her partner.I have this horrible feeling and I don't know why that maybe he can't fully commit to me because he wants her back and if she is now single that could happen.
He did tell me once that he heard she wanted to get with him but he said he would never go there again.Why am I so insecure?I am always involved with his family we are even going on a family vacation in the summer.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Its probably just because you know that she ended it, so you wonder if he is gonna want back in. I highly doubt it honey. Its obvious that she caused him a great deal of pain, and I can see that you are worried that he won't ever be able to committ to you. Give him time, and try to become more intimate with him, emotionally and physically. Try to feed the fire that causes that deep bond between you two!


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

You are so insecure because you're human like the rest of us and fear loosing something/someone you love. 

I learned the hard way that you can't controll most things in life and that you're better off enjoying every single day. First off because you don't live in terror, secondly because if something is really meant to happen it usually will. I set up a rule for myself, every time i feel insecure about something i'll do something to make the situation better. Hence, afraid my hubby will leave? I'll be extra nice and loving till the feeling passes. So far, i've basically made my marriage stronger with this. Maybe it works for you.


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## MarriageWisdom_ Seeker (Dec 24, 2009)

I think you being insecure is needless, simply because if he went through all of that heartache, he knows that going back to her would not make anything better, i'm sure she has not and will not change. My husband before I met him went with somone for a few years that treated him like ****, {emotionaly and mentally, and even kicked him in the balls a couple of times, not to mention cheating on him} he said he would never go back again w her, And i have never doubted him because of how she made him feel. And because I trust him, he knows what she did and he remembers how much it hurt! Men are not stupid all the time, some do learn from their heartache and don't want to step into those waters again! Have you talked to him about your insecurity? Do you fully know what she has done, or said that really DID IT for him? I think he can't fully committ because he is scared ****less that it will happen again! You need to talk w him I feel about both issues, and if he says that IS why he can't fully commit you have to assure him in actions and words that you will not do what she has done. That YOU are NOT HER! That's what I had to do! And if it takes a long while it does, cause if you really love him, and want to be w him, it will all be worth it in the end, you have to be patient,understanding,loving, kind, communitive,affectionate,confidence building etc...everything you know of what she did,said etc and be sure you are the opposite.you ask why are you so insecure? Has he given you any reason or behavior to suggest that he would? If not then you are just going to have to trust him! And kudos to you for being close to his family, seek them out for advice? I'm sure they know him better than anyone. but seek someone you are close to that will not let him know you are asking...Families can sometimes help in situations like this I feel!


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

I suffer from insecurity too, I've started getting over it and the only reason is I am SICK of feeling like that. It has got me down for so long I am now going to be confident all the time and if that brings me pain, at least I'll have my dignity.

Saw this on a board the other day, it may help you like it helped me:

_Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them_~Jennifer James

Good luck.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Oh and someone extremely smart once told me this!
_
Really MUCH of your misery is down to your own thinking and torturous thoughts. Most of us are the composers of our own misery symphony.

If you change your thoughts, you'll change your life. I am a firm believer of that...not to trivialise anything you're saying...

But as you think so shall you be...and a lot of what you wrote in your post makes me see why you're so fearful, jealous, unhappy...

... Build that trust up._

I hope she doesn't mind me posting it.

All the best.


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

I am feeling insecure because we have been dating fir 14 months and there is no communication re our future.I asked him where it was going and all he could say was we are together and he is faithful,well that is all fine and dandy but I am unable to open up the way I want to because he can't or won't.He said we have both been divored myself twice and not to rush,well I feel as though we are going backwards.I feel lonely and frustrated.I don't want to end the relationship because I do care for him deeply and I was attracted to him long before we got together.If it is fear after what he has been through how can I reassure him I am not like his ex?


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

He has now started working the afternoon shift and I have not heard from him in a week,this is really starting to frustrate me.I need so mush more from him but I don't think he is able to do that.
I understand that he is afraid but this is getting to be ridiculas.I want to stay in the relationship but I also have needs that I am scared to ask for.What would you guys do in my situation?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You seem to want to convince him to take things to the next level, but I think he has been honest with you that he does not want that. Not to say he never will, but it could be years before he's at that point, if ever. 

I think you need to decide if the status quo is okay...if not, move on. It will either trigger him to take action or allow you to pursue someone wanting a more serious relationship.


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## MarriageWisdom_ Seeker (Dec 24, 2009)

I have found that sometimes a heartfelt letter is in order, because men tend to either minimilize a womans concerns, fears, they seem to act like if they don't talk about the issues, feelings, etc. it will just go away and/or things will get better, that's not how it is for us women, we feel things deeper than men, and I have found in my own experiences that in a letter he has no choice but to read it, and while he's reading it it has no choice but to "sink" in.... It lets them see where WE are coming from.... Let's admit it, men are brought up to not show their feelings, talk about their feelings...etc... and it's frustrating as hell!  It has worked for me, maybe it will work for you. I advise though don't make it whiny,nagging,*****y, etc.......Hmmm wonder if you could throw in a list of what you want from this relationship, what does he?what you would like to see change, what would he like to see you change? This was just a thought..... I hope if you try it, it works for the both of you! Possibly could you give it to him while you are in his presence and then discuss it... that way he can't try and "hide" from you and he discussing it.....Make sure you put in what your needs and feelings are, and explain to him why you are feeling frustrated and rebuffed by him....


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

I am at a loss.I have not heard from my partner for 8 day's now.I thought for sure I would have heard from him yesterday with it being the weekend.
I don't want to call as I am scared,but I do want to know what is going on.I am scared that the relationship is over but I don't think he is the type to just not call he is a grown man whom is usually quite respectful.Is he waiting for me?He has always been the one to initiate calls.I am so confused and so sad.I don't know how to deal with this relationship he is frustrating me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Keep it to a simple voice mail. Keep the message matter of fact.
"It's me. Please do me a favor and let me know you're ok."

My opinion based upon what you have offered up, is that it may be time that one of you cuts your losses.

He knows what you are looking for. You know what he is _not_ looking for.

If each of you has different expectations for the relationship, you only continue to build up anxiety and frustration. That just isn't going to work.


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

well I guess I got all my answers he broke up with me today via text,well actually he said we should take a break but I know what that really means.Thank you everyone for all of your input.Time to heal now


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

update on Sunday my boyfriend and I broke up I text him to tell him I felt something was wrong because I had not heard from him he text me back to say I hav'nt heard from you either he said we have problems communicating and he said maybe we should take a break I replied I take that as its over.I never did hear from him after that.On Monday I received an email from his daughter saying she was sorry to hear about me and her dad everything will be ok talk to you soon I hope.Yesterday I wrote him an email and asked for a reply I waited all day nothing.When I got home from work there were flowers and a card waiting for me I have never received flowers.I was elated until I read the card which said.I apologise for my actions or lack of you deserve better.I have put up a wall and our communication problems are my(his) fault.I called and left a voicemail thanking him and asked if he could call me nothing.I called today and asked if we could get together I told him I did'nt just want to end this he said come over tomorrow.Were the flowers and the card just an apology and the meaning behind the card was for me to move on or does he want to salvage our relationship.I am going crazy.I know I will probably get my answer tomorrow but any input would be much appreciated.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

How did your talk go? I hope you're doing okay.


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

We never ended up having our talk,the night before we were supposed to meet he sent me an email thanking me for all the kind words I said to him and that he had put up a wall he was'nt ready to let down,he also said there was no one else and he cares about me just not sure if it would work out betwwen us.I bumped into him a few days ago which was very difficult and I wrote him an email again to say I care and I would be there for him if he wanted or needed to talk.I said I want to talk but I feel I am annoying him.He sent me an email saying it was nice seeing me,and I was not annoying him.Does that mean he wants us to talk?.I emailed to let him know I still had a shirt that belonged to him and his reply was we could get together if I wanted.That is another mixed message for me because I could always leave it at his place or mine while the other person is not at home we would'nt have to meet up.This man confuses me and it drives me crazy sometimes I get the feeling that he wants to be together and he is to scared to say something but another part of me saids no it is just wishful thinking.I am not going to contact him he was the one that wanted the relationship to end I have told him what I would like so the ball is in his court.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Check in and let us know how you are doing as you seemed frazzled with your last few posts....


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