# Take 'em back or not



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Tell me guys. How many of you got to the point where you no longer cared about whether or not you remained married only to have the other spouse try to then reconcile. I'm really starting to get to the point where I don't even know if I want her back (my whole story is in the thread "could someone please explain this fog" 

If your WS came crawling back, how did you react? If you had the chance to let them come back, would you? If you did let them come back, did you regret it?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I am at that point now. The benefit from it I see at the moment is my stress has decreased I am doing what needs to be done I am not stressing about what she is doing. So I guess you and I are on the same page so hearing from those who have been down this road would be great.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I dont have any refrence to your query. But based on your second sentence Id say dont do it. It would seem that you have already made up your mind, but the uncertainty of what happens after is possibly scaring you to question what to do.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why does she wanna come back---cuz he threw her out, cuz she got bored with him---cuz she has run out of money----cuz the A. is not exciting anymore---cuz she realizes that if you get a D.----she has to live on her own, doing everything for herself, working one maybe 2 jobs, if she can even find work--knowing that there really isn't much of the way of decent guys out there, if she were to end up on her own---why does she want back in

It certainly can't be cuz she loves you----one does not love someone they cheat on---knowing what they have done to them

How could you continue to love her, since she had no problem, destroying your soul, smashing your heart, and destroying the mge., along with your peace of mind, and your carefree life

Those things are gone---they are replaced by misery, and lack of trust, an aching heart, and a sub-conscious that won't let you have any peace-----how is it you feel better, knowing she wants back---just cuz she has stopped spreading her legs for another guy---doesn't take away the fact that she has destroyed you

So what is it you want---that is really what this is all about?????


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

jnj express said:


> Why does she wanna come back---
> 
> So what is it you want---that is really what this is all about?????


Those are the two key points. 

In my case in my mind I ended her Limbo applying a date to the seperation. Telling her we are seperated which is equal to being broken up.

This mentally seperated me. IMHO through this crappy situation you go through the stages of grief and you must go through the process in order to get to the point where you can make a rational not desperate and emotional decision as to wether or not you want her back.

The more time I have with her "gone" the stronger I am and I will not give in to her complaints and I will make her face her Giants. If she cannot then there will be no marriage.

Marksaysay, if i remember correctly you are going through D Right? To be honest with you the most helpful thing I have found through all this has been the Divorcecare class. It goes through the whole process and helped me understand alot of what was going on in my head. I am not preaching or selling a product but for me it has been helpful. divorcecare.org. Hang in there.

Dis


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I reached that point after a year of separation. It was like an epiphany one day; I was tired of trying to save a marriage that my estranged husband didn't want. It sounds as though you are also at that point, mark. Everyone is different, but you will know when you get there.

My estranged husband has been at "rock bottom" for quite some time, but he's yet to see that. He's still in Never Never Land. He's never wanted to come crawling back--He's perfectly happy living the morally decadent life. After seeing the lifestyle he has adopted, there's no way he could ever be welcome in my world again. I can forgive, but that's as far as I can go.


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## NightLight (Jul 10, 2011)

I'm new, and didn't read all of your other thread (it looks like a doozey) but I had a similar situation in my first marriage.

End of the day, if it's over it's over and you will know it deep down.

I can't say that I would ever try to reconcile again UNLESS there were children involved.

When a relationship ends we grieve what we've lost, or what could have been, but going back in my experience rarely results in a completely fulfilling relationship. (You may ask if there is there any such thing anyway?)

If there were children involved my own values would direct me to do whatever needed to be done for their sake, but there are situations when their well-being may be best achieved through staying apart anyway.

Just remember this, there are other people out there who will treat us better than we've been getting in the past. When you are ready to meet them they will appear.

Letting go isn't easy - but usually it's best.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

disbelief said:


> Those are the two key points.
> 
> In my case in my mind I ended her Limbo applying a date to the seperation. Telling her we are seperated which is equal to being broken up.
> 
> ...


Yeah, we've been going through divorce since Nov. It's now July and we have greatly surpassed the 60 day minimum in our state with another 1-2 to go. I'm starting to get to the point where, while I know I made great mistakes in my marriage to contribute to where we are, I have been and will continue to work on me and learn. She gaslights and wants me to take the blame for everything. She's upset that I invaded her "privacy" when I found all the dirt. She's upset I exposed. She's upset that I just haven't let her have everything she wants to make the divorce an "amicable" one. 

I now know and believe that aside from Godly intervention, this is who she is. I have made many positive changes in my life and I will make a great husband to someone one day. With the lessons I've had to learn this time, I'm committed to not making those same mistakes. 

Right now, I'm at the point where I don't know if I would want her back. That could change as emotions come and go, but that's where I am now. If she does ever decide to come back, there are things that I will have to see in her before I will even consider. The heavy lifting will be her responsibility.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

It is tough no matter what. I initially was in shock and all that not wanting it to end but now I feel like my old self, i may have actually been depressed for a while. Her affair her decision. In the end I dont know. I believe my W realizes now how bad she messed up based on statements she has said.
Good luck in your sitch. Only you can find the true answers to your questions if she is making it worse now then reconcilliation may not be an option. I'm just another guy dealing too.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Now, in her current state, R is not an option. I'm not so concerned about now. Right now, I'm fine. Right now, I'm okay without her. Right now, my life is not where I want it to be but progress is being made. 

Wait a minute! As I'm writing this, it struck me that all I can really worry about is RIGHT NOW. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Man, I can't believe how far I've come. It's been a long, hard road but while my circumstances may not have changed, I am changing. That, at this point, is all that really matters. She may never change but I am and that is the only thing I can control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

mark: You are so right, one day at a time. It saved me from so much fear and projection.

I don't want a reconciliation. At one point, when I was in pain, I secretly wanted one....but in reality the following is what would have been our future:

No trust
No attraction
Constant vigilance.

No thank you. That is not a quality life for me. When I learned back in March I immediately started divorce proceedings after holding the olive branch out twice for R. I now know this was meant to be and it is okay. I will meet the right person at the right time when I am right with myself. And I am getting there.

I understand your ambivalence certainly after the pain and growth it would be like regressing. For me it would be, anyway. I don't want to go backwards, only forwards.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> mark: You are so right, one day at a time. It saved me from so much fear and projection.
> 
> I don't want a reconciliation. At one point, when I was in pain, I secretly wanted one....but in reality the following is what would have been our future:
> 
> ...



I tend to agree with you here. The realities of a reconciliation are just too much to deal with. Why would I put myself through that . for the results you pointed out.

No trust. Ever.
The blinkers of love are truly down and I no longer see her as the beautiful 22 year old girl I fell in love with. Not the 31 0r 34 year old Mother of my children. Not the 40 year old having fun at a party. Just the 48 year old cheater she is now. 

The knowledge you are second choice and possibly always will be.

The nagging feeling that she is on the look out for someone better.

Why would I do that?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't believe that it would be impossible to recreate the trust that was shattered as a result of the affair. In his book, Surviving An Affair, Dr. Harley talks about putting "extreme precautions" in place to eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible such as changing cell numbers, giving up all Facebook/email passwords, etc. It is possible but it would obviously be something that a 'remorseful' spouse would have to agree to in order to earn back that trust. It would also take a little time for the security to return. He states that these things, if done correctly, need not be done permanently, although it would be an option if the wayward spouse was serious about the relationship. But he does say it should be done long enough for the betrayed spouse to start trusting again and for all the other phases of his rebuilding plan to work. 

There are other things that he discusses that would also help including spending more time together making it more difficult to be involved with someone else and at the same time recreating the love that was lost. If you think about it, what helped create the love at the beginning was the amount of time that was spent together during the dating phase. Somewhere along the lines, many couples or spouse forget about this. 

I've done a lot of learning throughout my whole ordeal and some days I wish to be able to prove it. Others I don't care. What I do know is my new relationship, whether it's with my current wife or someone else will be different in a good way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mark, some questions for you:

With the benefit of hindsight do you think it was a good idea to tell your wife’s family and others and your 7 year old daughter about your wife’s affair?

Do you think “outing” your wife has added greatly to her resentment and therefore made reconciliation very much less likely?

And how about your daughter. Do you think you would have had easier access to your daughter if you hadn’t told her about her mother’s affair?

Has the fact that you told your daughter about her mother’s affair moved the courts sympathy away from you towards your wife?

As a man of God, why didn’t you listen to your pastor who counselled you not to tell your daughter?



I’m coming from the position that I’m very against outing the DS to anyone let alone kiddies. I think this stuff is a man’s business and he handles it by himself. I just can’t see how “outing” your wife has helped your child, you or your wife.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

It seems you keep asking this as if my thoughts have changed. Do I regret exposure? No. Do I think it's made my wife even more mad? Yes. But who wouldn't be if people found out about what she had been hiding and lying to everyone about. What I hate the most is that all her family has done, instead of standing on their Christian morals, is enable her. If my family knew about me doing those things, I would have to go into hiding from everyone. None of them would let me enter their presence without them giving me an earful. 

Did I do any of it out of spite? No. I was simply a lighthouse trying to steer a lost ship to safety. If I had to do it again, I would.

As far as the council from the pastor, his words spoke of a concession. I hadn't given up at that point and I still haven't. I'm just letting God deal with it. Whatever he wants will happen. 

Also, this thread was not created for this type of discussion. So please stay on the topic or just post somewhere else. Thanks. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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