# Will it make a difference?



## Spacecase (May 23, 2014)

Hi all! I'm a newb  This is actually my first post. 

So, let me first say, I DO love my husband. He's a good man, but as all other human beings, he has faults. I'm perfect, of course (haha, juuuuuuuuuust kidding). 

So, he is in the Army. Has been all of our marriage and a year before we got married. We have 3 kiddo's. We have a lot on our plate financially. Probably more than we should given certain circumstances. 

My issue is because he was raised by his dad who was never money conscience, he really isn't either. I handle our finances because I am good at making sure we are where we need to be. I am thrifty, and smart with what we have to work with. 

He is happy with me doing it, but still just spends without thinking. Little things here and there, ALL the time. We've tried the allowance thing, and he just burns through it then uses the debit card. 

At this point I am thinking maybe he needs to see it all for himself. Maybe I need to have him take over bill pay and money management. I don't think he understands how much money he is pouring down the toilet on literally nothing most of the time. 

However I am scared he won't be able to do it. He's tried before and forgets bills, ect. Or maybe if we do this I can just basically go behind him just to be sure but not let him know that, because honestly I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think I don't think he can handle it. Although honestly it's just not his thing. 

I know fighting about money is pretty common across the board in marriages, but I don't want to fight about it more than need be. Or at all if we can help it. Any suggestions are very much appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How about finding a financial counseling service? Just handing him control sounds like a fast-track to disaster. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spacecase (May 23, 2014)

PBear said:


> How about finding a financial counseling service? Just handing him control sounds like a fast-track to disaster.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He took over a couple years ago when I had to have surgery. He just "forgot" to pay some bills. It makes me crazy because if we owe extra because of late payments it hurts us all. 

We're so different. He loves to spend, and I just don't. I don't want. I know a lot of woman like clothes and to shop, get pampered, ect. I just don't, and he think I'm crazy for it and wishes I would :scratchhead:

I honestly think that's because he feels guilty that he DOES want all the time. 

The things I want are family vacations to make memories, and we're never going to have those things because of his carelessness


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Take away his debit card. Honestly, if your child lost his lunch money every day, would you keep giving it to him?

He is frittering away the family funds and seems happy to do so. He needs to see what those funds could have been used for. $10 here and there probably seems like peanuts to him until you show him that the family could have gone on a nice vacation for all those $10 nothings.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Spacecase said:


> He took over a couple years ago when I had to have surgery. He just "forgot" to pay some bills. It makes me crazy because if we owe extra because of late payments it hurts us all.
> 
> We're so different. He loves to spend, and I just don't. I don't want. I know a lot of woman like clothes and to shop, get pampered, ect. I just don't, and he think I'm crazy for it and wishes I would :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


You sound like a good wife. I don't think trying to control him is the answer. Is his job dangerous in the Army? Sometimes people who face danger often tend to live in the moment.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

You can't guilt or corral a financial free spirit...one who impulsively spends and resists living on a budget. They are thinking in the moment and aren't seeing the bigger picture. Nagging won't help the situation...as it only emboldens them and often makes them into sneaky teenagers. You want to avoid making this a parent/teenager relationship with your husband, where you freak out, blow up, and then feel guilty with blowing up and then never address that he is irresponsible. Nothing will change this way.

Treat him like an adult, and expect to be treated like an adult. Let him know how being alone in handling the finances make you feel and how it is causing you to lose respect for him. Let him know that you expect that you need to be on the same page and working on the same goals that you both can agree with. If he refuses or later brushes off what you agreed to do in order to share the load...then don't go back to doing it alone. Stop doing the finances, refuse to pay the bills...let stuff get shut off. Let him know that it's either we do this together, or F it. Let him know if power goes out then you are moving yourself and kids to parents where utilities ARE working. Say you aren't doing this alone anymore. Don't be nasty...be calm and serene. Nagging won't help. Don't clean up his messes. Tell him that you will respect what road he chooses...but the only road that has a future with YOU in it, is the one where the husband will be a thoughtful participant in all aspects of the marriage. Yes, you love him, but trust me and all the others that love can swiftly erode when you are stuck in a hopeless pattern...then all you will feel is contempt and boiling anger.


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## heyyoo (May 24, 2014)

I'd involve him in some way. at least go over a budget with him so he understands where things sit .

I should do the same with my wife as I handle it all and she has no clue really what we even make, but she is frugal for the most part so it has never mattered. It would if she suddenly had to take it over though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stop giving him money. Tell him when he wants something he can sit down and look at the bills with you and then you'll give him some money. If he's going to act like a child...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lucky for you both, he's in the Army and there are a number of free financial and credit counseling resources available to you both. This isn't a bad place to start. Till then, it's probably a good idea that you take charge of the household finances and budget a reasonable allowance for him. He'll need you to handle these things when he's deployed anyway. Even so, you need to sit him down at least once a month and go over the family budget with him. Whether you handle the bills, he does, or both, it's couple business and you both need to be on the same page. He doesn't want to ignore this problem and wait for his 1SG or CSM to have to talk about his personal financial business over a counseling statement. 

http://www.militaryonesource.mil/pfm


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

One of the Army values is "Duty" which means fulfilling one's obligations. A just debt is an obligation. Taking care of one's family is an obligation. He can't be a good soldier or leader without being responsible with his own financial business. Failing to do so not only puts his relationship with you and the kids at risk, it puts his military career at risk.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

he needs to get involved with the finances but i wouldnt had the reins over to him as he is to irresponsible. he nees to know how much thinsg cost, what hes spending, how much hes making, what debt you have, what taxes take from the incomes, etc... Also feel free to take away his credit cards until he gets it figured out, it causes some tension but my sister did the same thing to her military husband, he wasent happy at first but eventually after only having cash he finally got his spending in line.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

Spacecase said:


> He is happy with me doing it, but still just spends without thinking. Little things here and there, ALL the time. We've tried the allowance thing, and he just burns through it then uses the debit card.


I take financial infidelity to be as bad if not worse than sexual infidelity. I see all of the parallels in lying, breaking trust, manipulative behavior, etc.

You've already established a pattern with this child where he makes an agreement and then breaks it without considering your feelings. Over time your resentment is going to grow. 

Until a man sees a penalty imposed for his behavior, he will just keep doing what he's happy doing. I don't know what the penalty needs to be in your case but if you don't smack him upside the head now, it is going to get worse.


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## Spacecase (May 23, 2014)

I am pretty new here and just found out how to view threads I've created so I apologize about taking so long to get back to everyone. I don't know how to quote multiple people yet either so I'll try to touch on questions concerns. 

He has pretty much the most dangerous job there is. He is EOD (explosive ordnance disposal) so that could be a valid reason he spends somewhat carelessly. 

I do have to say we never go without. I'm a little surprised at some of the comments being an all or nothing situation. I made a commitment to this man, and to God, and giving him an ultimatum like that and taking off with the kids is the furthest thing from my mind. We are a team. We work together extremely well in most ways. I am just trying to iron out the wrinkles as best as we can. 

Also letting power to get shut off, or cars repo'd is also a little extreme. I have 3 children. If my husband cannot provide/handle things, it is my responsibility to. 

He does care, he has just never needed to worry about it because with his job, he was almost always gone, and I had no choice but to wear all the hats. He's home now for a little while, so it is time we try to sit down again and work it out. I know he will sit, and we can agree to a plan, it's getting him to stick with it that has been the issue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a suggestion, then. Get the kids to spend the weekend with your folks or a friend. Tell him you two are going to spend the weekend setting up your family finances. Sit down in front of your computer together with all your bills and bills from the last year. Download mint on your computer. Once it's set up, go through all your bills as you upload your info into mint and watch as your budget gets created for you right in front of your eyes. When you're done, you'll be set up with a weekly/monthly budget for both of you, that he can see right in front of him. He'll understand the ins and outs of y'all's budget and it will be something stuck in his mind from now on. You two can sit down every few months and revisit it and see how it's working.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that instead of just giving him the responsibility because it seems he clearly would be able to do it, you should go over with him how his spending hurts the family and makes it hard to pay bills and save for the future. I have a spouse that is completely financially inept and letting her have access to family funds wasn't working so I opened a separate account and let our joint account run dry. Taking over control of the money was the only way out. It may well be that you will have to do something similar.


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## Spacecase (May 23, 2014)

turnera said:


> I have a suggestion, then. Get the kids to spend the weekend with your folks or a friend. Tell him you two are going to spend the weekend setting up your family finances. Sit down in front of your computer together with all your bills and bills from the last year. Download mint on your computer. Once it's set up, go through all your bills as you upload your info into mint and watch as your budget gets created for you right in front of your eyes. When you're done, you'll be set up with a weekly/monthly budget for both of you, that he can see right in front of him. He'll understand the ins and outs of y'all's budget and it will be something stuck in his mind from now on. You two can sit down every few months and revisit it and see how it's working.


We are military so we don't live anywhere near family, and we haven't known anyone at our newest duty station long enough for something like that. We can probably plan a night to do this after they go to bed. I hadn't heard of this program so I will definitely look into it, thank you. 

Also someone mentioned not being able to handle this suggests he may not be a good soldier. He has earned his rank faster than most, and been given made hard to earn awards. He has gone through two deployments, one as a team leader responsible for junior EOD guys. Just because he lacks a skill that come to others easier doesn't mean he isn't a good soldier. He was raised by his dad, and finances is not something his Dad was any good at whatsoever. My dad however, is extremely good at it, and has passed that onto me.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I really like turnera's idea about setting up the budget together.

I don't know whether my post will offer any value to you but I can relate in that my husband didn't learn how to budget and manage finances well either. His mom is that way and that's what he knew. I'm the opposite so finances fell into my domain when we moved in together. We initially had frustrating moments between us but things are so different now. My husband wanted to learn and was open to ideas. Also I wouldn't agree to opening a joint bank account with him until I felt he knew how to handle our finances better. Maybe that sounds harsh, I don't know, but I just didn't want to risk that otherwise.

He was terrible with his credit card so we (literally) put it in the freezer so he couldn't use it - simply to get into the mindset of spending what we had. This was 'back in the day' before online shopping and such. We implemented envelopes to hold cash for budgeted items so when it was pay day, we'd withdraw the amounts and then divvy it up into the envelopes - rent, gas, outings etc. When we wanted to go somewhere fun but there was nothing left in the 'outings' envelope, the reality was visual.

After some time, he then drew up the budget for us. This was really helpful. We no longer needed the allocation envelopes or putting the credit cards in the freezer. 

His spending habits are so different now. His inclination remains to be less risk averse with finances and this has actually been a positive for us in terms of investing and buying property. He has also helped me to loosen up when I'm being a tight ass. There's a good balance that has developed between us. 

It's just whether your husband wants to change, is motivated to, and sees the value in it. Best wishes to you.


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## CJ61 (Feb 24, 2014)

Spacecase said:


> Hi all! I'm a newb  This is actually my first post.
> 
> So, let me first say, I DO love my husband. He's a good man, but as all other human beings, he has faults. I'm perfect, of course (haha, juuuuuuuuuust kidding).
> 
> ...


Your husband might be a compulsive spender of suffering from a compulsive disorder.
Expert analysis might be needed to determine if he has it.

If he does , then that would explain his spending habits as compared to other areas where he is a great husband.

Is he a neatness freak? Does he insist on things around the house being a certain way sometimes? Does he keep fixing things?


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