# Need advice: How do I deal with depression and greif in a marriage.



## L_michelle

March of 2017 my wife lost her mother to Sepsis. It was a painful and horrifying 17 hours of her fighting for her life in the hospital. Long story short. Even after improvements with her condition in the hospital she didn’t make it.

I met my wife 2 years after her father died of pneumonia. She wasn’t all that pleasant all the time but she was willing to be happy. 
She has 0 desire to be happy. I feel I have tried everything. Therapy for her, no go didn’t like it, medication, nope doesn’t take it, outside activities for example rock climbing or memberships to the batting cages which she enjoys just not now, being there for every little thing, definetly didn’t like that, holding back and staying away, now I don’t care, trying to buy the world for her, nope. She won’t talk to me because I automatically don’t understand, we have even had conversations about her getting angry with me just because I’m not her mom and I don’t understand her like she did. Her words not mine. 
She’s lost her best friend, doesn’t hold up responsibility to pay bills putting us in financial trouble, and now pushing me away by fighting with me non stop. 
I feel like her experiences throughout this journey have changed her. 
Honestly I’m trying to hold on but I feel she is pushing me away because she just feels so lonely because she doesn’t have her mother. 
I understand all the way that losing your mother is something someone can never get over. And I am certainly not asking her to by no means. All I am asking for is some dedication and care for our marriage. 

Has anyone been through this? What did you do?


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## Andy1001

L_michelle said:


> March of 2017 my wife lost her mother to Sepsis. It was a painful and horrifying 17 hours of her fighting for her life in the hospital. Long story short. Even after improvements with her condition in the hospital she didn’t make it.
> 
> I met my wife 2 years after her father died of pneumonia. She wasn’t all that pleasant all the time but she was willing to be happy.
> She has 0 desire to be happy. I feel I have tried everything. Therapy for her, no go didn’t like it, medication, nope doesn’t take it, outside activities for example rock climbing or memberships to the batting cages which she enjoys just not now, being there for every little thing, definetly didn’t like that, holding back and staying away, now I don’t care, trying to buy the world for her, nope. She won’t talk to me because I automatically don’t understand, we have even had conversations about her getting angry with me just because I’m not her mom and I don’t understand her like she did. Her words not mine.
> She’s lost her best friend, doesn’t hold up responsibility to pay bills putting us in financial trouble, and now pushing me away by fighting with me non stop.
> I feel like her experiences throughout this journey have changed her.
> Honestly I’m trying to hold on but I feel she is pushing me away because she just feels so lonely because she doesn’t have her mother.
> I understand all the way that losing your mother is something someone can never get over. And I am certainly not asking her to by no means. All I am asking for is some dedication and care for our marriage.
> 
> Has anyone been through this? What did you do?


Your wife needs professional help such as a bereavement counselor.If she doesn’t accept this then there is nothing you can do.
You are not qualified to help her.
Stop doing things for her,let her ask you for help if she wants.
Move on with your life and maybe she will tag along.


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## brooklynAnn

I am.the mother of 2 young people, i am very close to my kids. My daughter and i share a wonderful relationship. If something were to happen to me, i know she would be deeply hurt but i dont want her to live in a state of grief and pain forever.

I would want her to live her life to the fullest. To enjoy every day that she is given. I want her to have love and have happinesss. To have a beautiful marriage, annoying kids, a loving home and a great husband. To have a career that she loves and enjoy, that, will give her the opportunity to grow. 

I want her to have the best life ever. Because grieving for me is not going to bring me back and is just wasting her time on. 

She should remember me with love and laughter and maybe cuss me out once in a while. But always remember my love for her.

I think thats what her mother would want for her too. Until she realizes this, have her see a grieve specialist not just a regular therapist.

I hope it all work out for you both and you can find your path again.


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## TJW

I'd like to recommend GriefShare - it's a locally-hosted group program which is operated under the guidelines of professionally-produced films, textbooks, and materials. The authors and presenters of this material are qualified professional grief therapists. 

It likely cost multiple thousands of dollars to assemble and distribute these materials, and provide auspices under which the groups can meet and be moderated.

The one my wife and I go to is held in a church and is moderated by a pastor and an assistant layperson who both have years of experience with grief counseling.


The cost to us for 12 weeks of weekly meetings and the course materials is $30.00 each. We receive 24 hours of education and counsel for $1.25 per hour.

We are attending the 4th 12-week session of this group now. People are invited to return as many times and to as many meetings as they desire. Several of the participants have come to more than one session.

The whole group is about 25 people, but the sessions are broken into sub-groups which deal with the specific loss each person has.
The films and lectures are delivered to the whole group, then the "talk" sessions are done in the sub-groups.

We lost a daughter and a son at the beginning of 2017. We have found people there who "understand", some who my wife can relate to closely, and some with whom I have found resonant thoughts and feelings. My wife went to dinner with 3 other ladies from the meeting last night. They have gone a couple times, and they text and call each other frequently.


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## Vinnydee

I am married for 46 years and have suffered depression. Tried to deal with it on my own but that did not work. Told my doctor, found an anti depressant that worked for me and life has been great ever since. There is no more stigma for being depressed. It happens to a lot of people for many reasons. For me it was 9/11 and what I saw in person. Second bout was when my wife and I moved away from our longtime girlfriend who was part of our marriage. In both cases medication helped. There is also talk therapy which works well too, so there are options. Just need to get the depressed person to take the first step. When I went to a Psychiatrist I expected it to be like I saw on TV. You know, lay on the couch and tell me about when you were breast fed and how you hate your mother.

It was nothing like that. No couch, just a small room with a few chairs and a chalk board. I filled out a questionnaire, answered a few questions and was give a trail prescription for something that did not work for me. Another medication was added to the mix and I feel great. Slept 10 hours today and feel happy as can be.


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