# Wife Wants Me To Leave??



## TomS (Oct 30, 2014)

Hi,

I have been married for 2 years, but to make a long story short, I got into serious financial issues before my marriage, but thought I would get through them and I relocated to a new country and language to live with my wife. But I am still working on my financial issues, this has caused me to be depressed, sad and angry, and I have said hurtful things to my wife when we were fighting, because she probably said something that mad me angry about my situation, and I felt I was never good enough no matter how hard I tried, because her friends husbands can do this and that, and because of my situation I can't at the time, and I get frustrated at myself and my wife for comparing me and us to others and I felt trapped and powerless, it's very frustrating.

Anyway after being angry for soo long I am getting better, this year I have really worked at not getting angry and just let things go and not worry about what I can't control and that being angry will make me do or say foolish things or hurt people with my words like my wife.

So I got some new work contracts, had more hope, making some money to buy some food, get gifts for my wife, take her to dinners, and start saving, so I was doing much better, and I hoped my wife would feel proud of me or think I am something special or that she could feel more secure or happy that I am doing better and trying to make our lives better.

I normally do the cleaning, but don't like it much, my wife doesn't clean often, so I was even cleaning and organizing our home for a couple hours a day, doing all the cleaning and clothes, so my wife could just come home and relax in a nice clean home, because she leaves piles of clothes, purses, bags, makeup, shoes all over, and I clean it and the piles grow, but I didn't want to get angry, so I just keep cleaning and taking the roll to clean and keep a nice home, but now I just clean my things and only help her if she asks, but I don't bother much now, because she never seemed to care much and it takes allot of time and effort each day that I rather use for something else.

So at the time, I am feeling that I am doing so great, taking my wife to dinners, getting gifts, writing her poems, sending her sweet messages, getting her flowers, and telling her that I love her, giving massages, supporting her goals, helping her interview for jobs, make her breakfast and other meals, giving some gas money, all the things I thought should I love and care about her.

But it seems I was not doing great, because she was not responding to what I was doing or saying, and I couldn't figure it out for weeks or even months. And we were not having much sex, but when we did it was really great, and I can tell she liked it, but regular sex like daily or even a couple times a week is rare, even though I want it , but I must be doing something wrong or she is with someone else, which is says she is not. There was a time we would have daily sex or multiple times a day, but then over time it's what it is now even though I want it.

Then we had another fight a few weeks ago, were she said I was 'just a boy' that she is the man and I am a women, that I have never done anything for her, I don't care or love her, that her girlfriends husband did XYZ for her and I didn't do anything, that she feels I can't protect her and brings up situation where she was in a small car accident and I was not there and that even if I was she says I can't protect her. And she told me to leave and we should separate.

Here is an example of why she thinks I am a women and not a man:

We are in a tough city, we stop at the lights, a guy asks for change, and staring at us, this is normal, so I was going to give some money $1, but my wife says to give $.50, so I reach to my bag to get the $.50 instead and my wife gets impatient, swears at me in her language and tries to give $1, but I told my wife to "f off" and I gave the guy $.50

So my wife thinks I am not a man because I didn't make a decision on how much money to give this poor guy begging for change at the stop lights. And that I can't make a decision, so I am trying to work on that more now and make the final decisions.

Anyway, when my wife said I can't protect her, I started buying more security for our home, put even more muscle on, my body is trained well and I know how to defend myself, and if I want I can get all the protection I need. But this didn't seem to make my wife's feeling change. Maybe it's impossible to protect anyone all the time, so I can't win no matter what I do.

So now my wife has shut off emotionally from me for weeks now since our last fight, we still live together, talk, sleep together, I hold her in the night, I tell her my feeling that I love her, I miss her, I still take her to eat, I am kind to her, and most recently gave her some nice flowers and gave my heart to her and told her my feelings and that I love her, miss her, she is my best friend, that my heart is empty without her. But she just looked at me and only said the flowers were nice and thanked me. 

I was at least happy she excepted the flowers and listen to me, and maybe she has warmed up to me a little bit, but she still won't kiss me, or tell me anything sweet or that she loves me.

So now, I am not sure what to do, I am renewing my passport so, but that will be ready in a couple weeks, then I won't have any excuses.

I have been trying to make things better for a while and I still love my wife, but I know we can get into fights and I probably have hurt her to many times and she can't forgive me or give me another chance and open her heart to me just to hurt her again. So I feel I screwed up and I lost her and I can't seem to get her to love me again, but I keep on trying, maybe I am in denial or am totally crazy and lost. But it's been very painful and sad for me that my wife stopped loving me, she is the only person to love me, I am at least thankful to have experienced love at least once in my life. But I can't stop loving her... I don't know what to do..

Should I leave as my wife as she told me? Or is this a test??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First thing you should do is read "No More Mr. nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". Let us know how much of yourself you see in there. 

Second thing... Why should you leave if she's unhappy? Or will you go back to wherever you lived originally?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TomS (Oct 30, 2014)

Yes I would leave back to my country.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Not a big fan of the "I'm not being appreciated so I'm just going to leave her crap where it sits and see if she notices" approach. Passive aggressive.

You also said you hope that she notices when you were contributing more, etc. You got to get over that. If you need external validation and live tit-for-tat, you'll be one unhappy guy. Agree with PBear, read NMMNG.


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## TomS (Oct 30, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Not a big fan of the "I'm not being appreciated so I'm just going to leave her crap where it sits and see if she notices" approach. Passive aggressive.
> 
> You also said you hope that she notices when you were contributing more, etc. You got to get over that. If you need external validation and live tit-for-tat, you'll be one unhappy guy. Agree with PBear, read NMMNG.


Ok, so I clean her crap up and she just leaves more crap, so I get tired of cleaning up her crap, she leaves the piles of crap, so you want me to spend my days cleaning up her mess and she just leaves the same mess right after I clean, and I am the bad guy.

Fine I will go read the book again, and that will solve all my problems, glad I posted here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do you want us to tell you? We have very little information to go on. So read that book as a starting point, see if any of it applies to you. If it does, they have suggestions for solutions. Not being a maid is a good start... It seems likely that your wife doesn't respect you or your contributions to the marriage, and until that changes, you have little chance of saving things. And if you leave your marriage without addressing your issues, there's a decent chance you'll be in the same mess the next relationship you get into. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Tom, 

Read the books PBear suggested to you, ASAP. They are quick, easy reads. You'll be surprised at what you see. You won't find better advice...

Best


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tom..... I have heard stories similar to yours. What is your home country?

Women do not find weak men attractive. Hence her disrespect to you.

There was a marvelous sage on this site at one time, Conrad.

He spoke in detail about Co-dependency. I will post a link at the end.

You can search his threads and topics. 

A woman wants to feel secure with her man, she gives you fitness tests and

schit test. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/155305-weeds-codependence-3.html


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## callmekitten (Oct 30, 2014)

As someone who is in sort of the same position as you... (left my home country to move to another for my husband), I would say it sounds like there might be some cultural differences at play here. I would be interested to know what your home country is, and where you are currently living, because they might give others a better indication. 
If you moved to somewhere vastly different than to where you are originally from, that takes quite a period of adjustment. And I can understand how difficult that transition is, the periods of loneliness, questioning if you made the right decision, etc etc. Do you think some of this could have contributed to your arguments with your wife early on in the marriage?
I know for me, the first year of my marriage during my adjustment to the new country was the hardest of my life. And I've come to learn a lot about the cultural differences between two seemingly similar countries. 
I think ultimately, though, at the end of the day, your wife knew who she was marrying when she chose you. So for her to say later on that she wants someone who is more protective, more this or that... is unfair. It would also be unfair in reverse if you were to try to change the person she is. If you have to change who you are to make anyone happy, then I don't believe it's the right fit. 
I think if I were in your position, I would simply ask my wife point blank if she wants to keep trying, and if she's willing to go to counselling, etc. If she says no, then you will have your answer. Someone who isn't willing to keep trying has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. 
I wish you luck in whatever happens. Sometimes the hardest things are the right things.


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