# Trust & cuffs/retraints



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something the missus isn't very happy with, she enjoys being taken aggressively but also likes to turn her pet into a man-slave from time to time. For years I've banned cuffs and restraints in the household because I simply don't trust her with them.

I have three reasons:
1) She doesn't always respect my wishes and has still tried to cuff me from time to time.
2) She mentioned a rather frightening fantasy of hers involving her wearing a strap-on and ramming my exit-only hole.
3) She has sexually tortured me on one occasion years ago before marriage which resulted in this ban.

However, she wants to reopen this little discussion. Meh... I simply don't trust her in this but am I being unreasonable? =/


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

I was taught when I first started dabbling in these sorts of things, that the key is to remember that the submissive is the one who is really in control. Yes, the dom partner does the violent acts, and they lead the activity.... BUT a good dom must respect that they are only doing these things because it is a mutually agreed upon activity. Once they cross the sub's boundary lines about what is and isn't acceptable, they are no longer a good dom. The best dom won't even need a safety word, because they will be so in tune with the physical cues of their sub, they will instinctually know when to pull back and when to push harder.

In the past I had a dom partner who on more than one occassion caused me lasting physical harm because he did not respect the safety word. I kept making excuses and trying to give him another chance but the final straw was when I woke up after having been drugged and hog-tied, I actually woke up while he was in the act of penetration without any form of lubricant. I was in pain for weeks afterwards, and the drug that he used on me made me ill for several days.

Now, currently I am with a partner I trust much more. I have come to realize that his respect for me outside of the bedroom has translated into his respect for me inside the bedroom.
Looking back, it is so clear to see that my ex-partner had a false sense of entitlement outside the bedroom, he often steamrolled my feelings for the sake of his own, so why would he respect my feelings in the bedroom? He was simply out to pleasure himself and not both of us.
But now that I am with someone who I do trust, and who wants the experience to be mutually fulfilling. (Granted, our sex life has been lacking these last three years, but I will reference a time BEFORE we fell out of sync with eachother, back when our sex life was at its best.) Once I was with a partner who respected me, I found myself not only enjoying but having the strongest orgasms from the physical pain he has inflicted. I have even opened myself up to the drugged-and-raped fantasy which my ex did without my consent, my current partner was able to do it in such a way that we both recieved an untold amount of pleasure from it.

All this said, if I was in your shoes, and she had shown blantant disrespect for my boundary lines, then any form of restraints would be off the table *until* I felt that I could 100% trust her again. I'm not saying never in a million years let her cuff you, but I am saying, if there is a shadow of doubt in your mind then don't agree to it.
The fact that you even felt the need to post here and discuss it screams that you don't trust her yet, and she has to work harder to earn that trust. Until she does, there are plenty of other enjoyable things she can do as a dom without physically restraining you, and perhaps those activities would be the perfect place for her to start rebuilding her lost trust.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, I guess if she wants this then she has to re-earn my trust and show that she can respect boundaries. She can start by stop plucking my hair


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Keep in mind that she should know that if she crossed the line and ignore the safe word or did something you've said absolutely no to - that it will be the last time ever.

If a submissive's safe words are ignored - that is the very last session ever, including possibly the end of the relationship. Because that's when it turns from consensual to rape.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well considering she ignored everything that came outta my mouth that time and found only sadistic pleasure in my distress, leaving me to curse her and even threaten to kill her due to the immense pain and humiliation she inflicted upon me... guess it was rape. She enjoyed how I just wouldn't stop fighting.

She only let me go when she thought I wouldn't do anything, but I did, and the sick thing is that she really enjoyed the retribution. But regardless she has apologised and promised never to do it again, and was merciful enough not to penetrate me up my ass. She is truly sorry to this day about it, but hopes that I can forgive her and find a balance in this area of our sexuality and fantasies.

But meh... it's hard to let go of what she did.


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well considering she ignored everything that came outta my mouth that time and found only sadistic pleasure in my distress, leaving me to curse her and even threaten to kill her due to the immense pain and humiliation she inflicted upon me... guess it was rape. She enjoyed how I just wouldn't stop fighting.
> 
> She only let me go when she thought I wouldn't do anything, but I did, and the sick thing is that she really enjoyed the retribution. But regardless she has apologised and promised never to do it again, and was merciful enough not to penetrate me up my ass. She is truly sorry to this day about it, but hopes that I can forgive her and find a balance in this area of our sexuality and fantasies.
> 
> But *meh... it's hard to let go of what she did*.


No, not "meh"- this isn't a light topic that you just "meh" and let it go. What you are describing is a HUGE betrayal of your trust. She victimized you in the sickest ways and ENJOYED it. It certainly was a case of rape, and very understandable that you would be uncomfortable making yourself volunerable to her in that way again.


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

Random, I've seen a few of your threads and I have to ask, why on earth do you bother staying with your wife?

The thread that really struck me was the one where you said she used to rape you (almost daily) and I cannot understand why any person regardless of gender would stay with a rapist? It's not right, as that person clearly does not give a sh!t about you if they are raping you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's a woman, and you know "women can't rape men and I'm an unappreciative bastard". What support DO I have?

Anyways her 3x/day nymphomania wasn't like what she did to me all those years ago, so it's not exactly rape, even though by certain definitions it can be, sure there was still the leg-wrapping and demands and manipulations and pulling on my heartstrings and STs and fights over me rejecting her. But she's come a long way this year.

I'm not exactly a saint either, I played her games, started fights so that I can get some space from her, busting her sexual demands, taking the piss outta her so she won't end up too proud and arrogant, started fights prior to her cornering me with her games so that I end up getting the advantage (she can't use her greatest asset when she's angry - her intelligence, as anger stupifies her).

We both have our bad sides, which can be very bad. But she does have a very good side to counter it - that's why I don't walk. And so far she's been coming along, she's come clean and now wants me to do the same. It's difficult for me as I'm rather used to fighting, but now she wants us to become a team again, and wants to reopen this little discussion for her xmas present.



> No, not "meh"- this isn't a light topic that you just "meh" and let it go. What you are describing is a HUGE betrayal of your trust. She victimized you in the sickest ways and ENJOYED it. It certainly was a case of rape, and very understandable that you would be uncomfortable making yourself volunerable to her in that way again.


Aye, but now I just don't know. I want to meet her halfway when it comes to working together to make our married life easier and more forfilling, but how is she ever going to regain my trust? I can't even answer that for myself, even if we take it one step at a time, she did that to me when I was completely restraint, how am I supposed to trust her even if we played with only 1 hand cuffed/etc when at the back of my mind is the suspicion that if she gets her way she will not be able to resist. Hell even having one hand restraint... bleh, don't think I would be comfortable.

In my mind I know I can hold out with that torture considering if I don't end up in hospital first from genital circulatory problems and she'll be really p-ssed if my equipment no longer works and would most likely blame it on me telling me I should have submitted lol. But that's the worst case scenario that may happen.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

EDIT: Deleted


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