# 1 year on eaxctly - am I in denial or is she?



## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Exactly one year ago today my wife consummated her relationship with the OM after a 3 month EA.

I was Mr Nice guy but then thanks to this board got my balls back and filed for Divorce in Jan after months of being messed around. She moved out Mid Feb and I implemented a poor 180 to begin with but which eventually became rock.

Its now about 6 months since she moved out, I get to apply to finalise the divorce this week. I had been feeling really good - independence, freedom, self respect, self esteem. I had the occasional little moments of WTF! is this really happening but mainly I was glad to be moving on.

So why recently have I begun to feel sad? I don't doubt that this is right thing to do and don't see how it could possibly work yet I still feel, I dunno, just meh about everything?

The only time I see the eX is when I collect/drop off my daughter. Never talk to her at all other than essentials. She used to ring me on my mobile, txt and the call the land-line, after awhile she gave up but to the point where it was like she was trying to make a point. For instance, she wouldn't tell me about things that were actually important. 

Anyway, over the months her attitude has changed from chatty (can we be friends) to cold/emotionless response to I still care/miss family to ignore mode to sad/depressed to flirty/perky (thought I had a GF) to the latest - ultra happy/nothing gets me down mode (think kids TV presenter).

I have occasionally commented on her lack of communication to me (took daughter away without telling me, didn't pick her up from school, etc.) I'm normally told that I'm being controlling/bullying or mean. Recently the OM has been round and I expressed my concerns, again I was called bully etc.

This evening when dropping daughter off, I was trying to get some responses about splitting stuff for the divorce. We got onto our marriage and now I'm getting the "was unhappy for years", "not shallow", "OM is a wonderful guy", "it would never work", "she did care for me, that's why I never raised any concerns", etc. Its the same old crap she has been peddling but just felt as though its really, deeply entrenched.

The other crazy thing is that I asked if we could swap weekends for childcare so I could fly out for a shot break. I immediately got a txt back saying "Do you have a girlfriend?". I ignored it. She then sent another txt saying she wanted to go to Paris, I said OK and she replied back mentioning Paris again! and when she came round last week kept asking questions about my supposed GF, once again I ignored it and tonight she was asking again - kept probing. 

So, to my original title I'm not sure if she is in-denial or I am. I still get frustrated by not having a rational conversation. She told me she was mentally ill, hence the deception and affair last year.

I felt really depressed when I got home. Is this normal? I thought I had let go a few times but cant seem to sever that last string of hope.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Sounds like she is having the "OMG" moment. This means she is really reflecting on what it is that really happened. She knows she was wrong...even if it was deep down.

She wants to reinforce her "reality" that she made the right move. Your a bully.....blah..blah..blah. Her seeing you in the "180" mode is giving her fits. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into her vacuum. The OM is living in this same "reality" his opinion means nothing.


As far as feeling sad....You will. Not a big deal and don't sweat it. I would think it to be more strange if you didn't feel sad from time to time. Perfectly normal. I wouldn't share this information with her though. 

You are not in denial you are living the reality...she is however realizing what that reality means for her.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

So I am normal, well that is a relief.

I guess I just figured by now she would have moved on but its still the same old BS. Does she not get sick of it? I have moved on so much and learned tons about myself and relationships, part of me was hoping we could have a mature conversation.

So how long does this go on for? Will there always be a part of me that mourns the end of our marriage?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I was starting to feel like I was the only one. It has been 11 months since our separation and 10 since she filed for divorce. It's not final, yet, but I still have deep feelings for her that I can't seem to shake. Im not sure of the length of your relationship, but after 11 years, I feel these past months just haven't been enough to get rid of that bond that 'seems' to be eternally broken. Infidelity is a part of my situation as well but things can change. 

I have somewhat of a different opinion than you in that I still haven't given up on my marriage. We aren't divorced, so there is always still hope. Just recently there was a poster on the reconciliation area that said they were days before finalizing when they decided to reconcile. It's stories like that that prove it's not over 'til it's over. I have very few rough days compared to months ago but they still surface and I believe they will continue although they are getting fewer. My faith is really the only thing that has kept me sane. 

Stay strong and just know that it takes time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Indy Nial said:


> I felt really depressed when I got home. Is this normal? I thought I had let go a few times but cant seem to sever that last string of hope.


As others have said, this is completely normal. You're mourning the end of the marriage. Now how long it lasts all depends on you. Everyone's different. When my divorce was final those many years ago, I still felt sad on occasion even though I was in a new relationship. This would usually come around once a year, when I would realize that was our old anniversary date - that would be my trigger. 

As for your STBXW's actions, she's fishing to see if your are still able to be the back up plan in case things go south with the OM. Since she's becoming more insistent about it, it's probably a good bet that all isn't smooth sailing in affairland right now. There's another member on this site whose wife still does that even though the divorce has been final. She still fishes every month, and unfortunately, he still falls for it. 

Of course as you well know, you are NO ONE's back up plan.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You know what---she doesn't know jack diddly about her lover----all they have together is fantasy---wait till reality, really sets in

97% of A. hook-ups eventually fail----your wife will eventually regret every single day, that she killed this mge.


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