# Now what???



## Lyann74 (Jan 19, 2014)

I am a 40 year old with 3 teenage children. My marriage right now is confusing and I feel like it could end at any time. Been married 20 years.
We moved from Scotland to Texas almost 10 years ago and life was wonderful, my husbands company let him work at home, so for the first time in years he was home every night. My husband is great at what he does and because of this he was approached by another company to work in Malaysia, in short, he took the job and said we would love it their and could continue living as a family. Sold everything, we were left with a suitcase, each.It did not work out, kids hated ,so we returned to Texas. Almost one year later my husband has been home here twice, for 2 weeks, he's away for 3-4 months at a time. Each time is harder than the last, he is very distant from me and our children, he comes home and sits in front of the tv and does nothing to help me or interact with our kids. Now our children are at the age where they know something is wrong, they are beginning to resent their father for the way he treats them and their mom. I have tried to talk to him but get very little in response, he is totally shut off. There is no romance, touching Ect... I love my husband but I am not sure how long I can carry on being treated like I don't exist. I feel lost, my children love living here, it is there home as they have been here longer than in Scotland, I have no income of my own, have never worked, husband wanted me to raise our children. I am also living with a chronic illness which is sometimes debilitating,this has made my self image and confidence decline, so it makes thinking about work hard, sometimes it's hard to even leave the house.. In my head I am a mess but to others I give off the everything ok face( I have got really good at this). I am supposed to be going on a trip to see my husband in Malaysia but not sure if it's a good idea, would be great to be with him, maybe work things out but if he's gonna treat me the same way, i would feel crushed and alone waiting for my return flight. 
He is not having an affair( as far as I know), he is just so closed off. He is a workaholic and work is his first priority, always has been, this is wrong but I think I have given him the excuse to be this way. I do everything for him always have, have stuck by him through all of his decisions, never questioned him, he gets what want. Yet when he has a drink he starts saying that he has done everything for us, that we are the ones that have it all. The one time he did talk to me he said he needed to be selfish and have time for himself, so I gave it to him, didn't call or text him until he wanted to. 
Also when he is away he rarely calls me, I am the one that texts him to find out how he is, it is not reciprocated. Nothing is..
Have some friends here but none I can talk to about this. I do go out, maybe once a month with a friend but it's hard as I don't know how to talk to grown ups..lol..been with children my whole life..so a social butterfly I am not.. I don't know why he had become this self absorbed, uncaring,unloving jerk. I love him dearly and I give 100% but he confuses the heck out of me. 
I am at a loss and scared. Feeling worthless and used.
Sorry that my post is all over the place and long, first time doing this and didn't know where to start. Just looking for some friendly opinions.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

The time apart is killing your bond and it must end, one way or another.

Although you and the kids were desperately unhappy in Malaysia, leaving your husband made him feel deserted, unloved, unappreciated and insignificant. So he pulled away from you on an emotional level. He still pays for everything, right? He still takes care of your future by wide financial planning, right? Some men seem to be under the impression that fullfilling the role of provider is all they need to do to be a good husband and father. It will take a a lot to disabuse your husband of that notion.

Conversely, some women seem to think that caring for the kids and keeping the home neat is all her needs to do to be a good wife? However, it usually doesn't take much to disabuse her of that notion..

Go visit your husband. Go armed with strategies to reconnect and bring your marriage back. Something has to give you two cannot make this work living in different countries indefinitely!

You must spend significant amounts of time with each other to maintain the marriage bond, each week. Face to face. Alive and in person. Why do you think military marriages have such a high divorce rate?

Is there a way you can,plan to spend the summer in Malaysia being a family then you bring the kids back to the states once school starts? Would he be open to getting his old job back?


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