# Wife doesn't care about her appearance...



## Timothy

I'm 31 years old, my wife is 27. We have been together for about 6 years now, married for 3 years. Not long after we got married it became apparent that she stopped caring about her appearance. She's gained a lot of weight, and her dress is sloppy. She will wear clothes that don't fit, not wear makeup, and just put her hair up instead of styling. I don't expect a trophy wife but some concern for her health and beauty I think is a reasonable request. It makes me cringe to see her drink milk while eating pizza. When i met her she was a svelt ballet dancer, now I'm no longer attracted to her physically. I weigh exactly the same as when we met, and for the most part look the same as well. Her behaviour is upbeat most of the time, and we get long well. 

I've told her how i felt, not so much about her weight but about her appearance in general. I think she would have better chances at career mobility if she would dress for success. If she wears jeans that show her butt crack when she sits down, somehow i'm the jerk for pointing that out, even though people are pointing and laughing. I've offered to help in any way i can, this including exercise together, or share a healthy diet, so it's something we can experience as a couple. Money for new clothes is no problem. She just doesn't care. Aside from the weight gain, when she takes a few minutes to put on makeup, do her hair, and wear proper clothes, she looks great and I always make a note to compliment her. 

Other than this we have a pretty great relationship, no major issues that can't be resolved. I'm just at my wit's end here, and there is nothing i can say or try to hint at that seems to make her consider my feelings enough to make a change. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.


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## woe_is_me

i gained weight and cared less about my looks after i got married. 

maybe you can try to get her to start an outdoor activity with you. tennis is always fun and you get a good workout from it. maybe it will help her get fit and not seem so much like a workout. my parents would do pilates together.


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## preso

Maybe you can take a walk with her in the evenings instead of watching TV to help her regain control over herself and her weight.
It would be good to encourage her with actions and not just words.
Other than that, you have to realize she is not a ballerina anymore and older and people do tend to gain some weight as they age. Especially women.


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## Flutterby

Why do you cringe when she drinks milk and eats pizza? Milk goes well with pizza and helps to neutralize the acids of the sauce. 

Not the point, but you brought it up...

I think in general people stop looking their best after they get married because they have found someone that is comfortable with them the way that they are. I agree that getting out and doing things together (a walk after dinner?) would be helpful.

Not all women are the same... we are all hotwired differently. But I can tell you that if my husband ever told me that I really shouldn't wear a pair of jeans anymore, I would probably be a little offended at first, but then I would realize that he was right. If she is wearing clothes that look frumpy, don't fit, or whatever, she probably knows. Who doesn't? 

It's unfortunate that if you say something it COULD end up in a fight. But maybe you should tell her and be honest with her. That doesn't mean anything is going to change, but at least you got it out there.

It's like my STBX's nose hair... It's amazing how fast it grows. I bought him a nose hair trimmer. I mentioned every couple of weeks that he should trim his nose hair. I mentioned that it doesn't look good.... Eventually I got so sick of looking at it that I didn't want to look at him at all. He didn't like me bringing it up, but I couldn't stand to look at it. 

Just because we find someone who loves us and accepts us, doesn't mean that we should neglect ourselves...

Good luck - this is not an easy thing.


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## deejay

Think of the bright side ? A old song that goes: ''if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife''


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## Corpuswife

Exercise suggestions are good but that won't make her care. 

I wonder why she doesn't care?

What does she say?


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## jane.

There are times I fall into a slump regarding my appearance. There usually isn't a specific reason. It's mostly because I have no reason to dress up and look nice. However, seeing other beautiful women usually gets me out of the slump and makes me want to start looking pretty again.

There are ways to try to get your wife out of her slumps. You have to be very tactful, though, because saying the wrong thing can just make her mad or upset and send her back the other way. Some suggestions:

* If she looks great one day, tell her again the next day how hot you thought she looked yesterday. And then tell her again the next week. And then the next month. "Honey, remember when you wore that short skirt and had on red lipstick and had your hair in curls? I loved how you looked that day." Follow that with some sly looks and groping.

* Buy her a gift certificate for a day at the spa that includes a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a hair cut and color.

* Don't ever suggest that she exercise. Instead say, "Hey, there's this place over at so-and-so hills that have great hiking trails. Will you come with me on Saturday? I don't want to do it by myself."

* Take her to a movie that stars a pretty actress that she admires.

For me, all the above would work. It's all in the approach. Good luck!


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## Sensitive

I think it is a sign of maturity to not be concerned about your appearance, and not care what others think. I also hope there is not an obvious reason why she is more comfortable with her unpampered look. Did she start a professional job? Do you guys have children? Is she busy with other priorities in her life? I hope that if you love each other, the outside appearance is not a number one concern.


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## Rhea

Outward appearance can also be a very good sign as to how she's feeling inside so keep that in mind. I know when I feel like sh*it either mentally or physically that my physical appearance will definately tip you off to that.


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## okeydokie

Rhea said:


> Outward appearance can also be a very good sign as to how she's feeling inside so keep that in mind. I know when I feel like sh*it either mentally or physically that my physical appearance will definately tip you off to that.


my thoughts exactly. people with higher self esteem and those that are genuinley happy would probably be inclined to keep fit and care more about their appearence.

i too am concerned about certain aspects of my wifes appearance, mainly an area that others dont see


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## Timothy

Thanks for the replies so far. 

I will think about more healthy activities we can both share. She gets mad at me when I suggest we BOTH eat a salad or baked chicken instead of fried. Don't get me wrong, i'm no health nut. I eat plenty of fatty food but am willing to significantly reduce it to eat less and better with her. But she isn't willing to participate. I've asked if we could map out meals for a week that are healthier that we would be like. She would rather eat a hamburger and fries followed by a chocolate bar.

As for her weight gain, yes I realize weight gain is normal for both men and women when aging. It's also normal to adjust your lifestyle when you get older to compensate. I'm not talking about a few pounds here or there, she has probably gained 60 pounds or so in a few years. If that trend continues she will be morbidly obese and in serious health trouble before long. 

We don't have kids. She doesn't cook, or clean. She comes home from work, watches TV and eats. 



Sensitive said:


> I think it is a sign of maturity to not be concerned about your appearance, and not care what others think.


I think this could be part of the problem. I also feel that appearance reflects on both parties in a couple. Just like behavior does. To be honest if she would be mindful of her dress, hair, and makeup, I would be happy with her weight as long as it isn't a health issue. I don't expect her to ever be her college weight again, but to at least give a damn about it.


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## Flutterby

It is very possible that she is depressed.
You shouldn't try to tell her what she should eat. Don't ever say "do you really need that ice cream cone", or whatever.

But you can offer to cook dinner and make something really healthy. 

I think deep inside everyone cares a little about what they look like - I don't think it's a sign of maturity to let yourself go...

I know that when I wanted to lose some weight, and I knew my husband could use to lose a handful of pounds I told him I was going to join weight watchers and asked him if he would join with me to help support me because it would be easier if we were both on the plan... he didn't go for it, but he wasn't offended because I approached it that way.. Maybe you could try something like that? 

Like - - Hey honey, I was going to try this new class at the gym. I'd love to have you do it with me.. I think it would be fun.

TV can suck you in.. maybe get DVR so tha tyou can record the shows she wants to watch so she can watch them later? I'll tell you that I use to be addicted to television and then I got rid of cable. My TV hasn't been on for the most part for months.
I'm bored - but I don't sit in front of the tv anymore...

Good luck - this isn't an easy thing. At some point, if you are honestly worried, you should simply tell her that you are worried about her and you don't want to lose her.


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## kel

It sounds like your wife is going through a depression.


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## Harvard

maybe she is feeling ugly....do you compliement her? My guess is she has low self asteem right now, do some investigating and find out what you can. Give her compliments! even if it is something small like "hey your hair looks really nice, did you do something different?" this will make her think that she naturally without even knowing it and is becoming more beautiful. Even a guy likes compliments...the other day I ot out of the shower and my wife says how do u keep your butt so nice....you don't do anything. That made me feel geat! anyway good luck


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## karajh

I don't believe that being comfortable with yourself means dressing like a slob. I agree that she is depressed or having some esteem issue right now. 

Personally I believe that you should always take care of your appearance if you love yourself. I take care of mine unless I am sick, or lounging around the house on a Sunday.

I think people get married and think well I have him or her now so why bother trying to look good. Then the attraction leaves the relationship and trouble can lurk around the corner. 


All you can do is try to talk to her about your feelings in a non judgmental manner then the rest is really up to her.

Good Luck!


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## euphoria

Rhea is right about the fact that it may be her appeaance is mirroring her mood. The fact that you want her to look nice doesnt make you bad or mean, a lot of spouses have a need for an attractive spouse. Thing is there may be some needs of hers that you are not meeting. Ask her what they are. It could be she needs more domestic support, financial, emotional, companionship, sexual and on and on. Figure out what she needs/wants from you and fill the need. Let her know that she is beautiful but you like it when she is put together and you find it attractive and it makes you feel good to see her looking good. Some women feel that they aren't being paid attention to. If this is the case, you may be able to take her out more, pay more attention...she in turn may take better care of her appearance. Fill in with any need, whatever hers may be.


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## shelleyv

I gained a lot of weight after getting married. Not sure why. I was active and then became lazy. I had a back problem and this caused depression, which made me eat more, and its a vicious cycle. After I had my baby I looked at phots one day and was repulsed. So I went on a diet and have sticked to it for a year and lost 14 kg. I look better and feel great and my husband compliments a lot more now because I look so much better in jeans! I think depression has a lot to do with it. Could even be old baggage from years ago, or childhood stuff. Only she will know. The best you can do is encourage her. Walk the talk also. Weight issues are hard. But the sad part is the more she gains the harder it is to lose. Maybe suggest a dietician. Make sure the house is filled with healthy snacks and get rid of the carbs. Give her an incentive : if she loses 10 kg, you will give her ABC. She will be more motivated if there was a reward...


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## preso

I guess I would ned more details of exactly what she is doing to not care about her appearance. If she is at home all day cleaning or working.... it's one thing and another thing if she is going to work in wrinkled clothing and not brushing her hair.

Does she have nice clothing? 
Do you help her buy them? womens clothing can be sooooo expensive. Maybe you can give her money to get her hair and nails done and buy something new a few times a month.


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## okeydokie

ok, here is another question...

could she be keeping up a poor appearance to send you off the "trail", to make herself less desirable?

there are certain aspects of my wifes "appearance" that i am beginning to believe she purposely lets go so i wont want to....well.....you know. she knows what i prefer in that department and she is on the other end of the spectrum.


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## dazedbeauty

You said that you are no longer attracted to her. Does this mean that you don't initiate sex or tell her how beautiful she is, stuff like that. I mean, do you fake being attracted because you feel guilty?
Or does your lack of attraction not ever come up?


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## Wifemother

It sounds like she has self esteem problems. I gained weight after having our son. You are doing good. Try to get her to talk to a professional and find out what the real problem is.. It should be deeper than just not caring


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## BlueGinger

weight gain is a touchy subject for women so i wouldn't go there unless you want to ruin your sex life. but not grooming properly is inexcusable. just tell her what you just said...that you feel she just doesn't care anymore and wish things were the way they used to be. point out specifics to her. most people's looks do change over time, but effort is still required to maintain the relationship. best of luck to you.


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## Unhappy2011

BlueGinger said:


> weight gain is a touchy subject for women so i wouldn't go there unless you want to ruin your sex life.


a) it sounds like the wife ruined their sex life.

b) that is crap. We all have touchy subjects and we deal with it. That's called life.

That's like a husband with no job who is not looking for a job getting angry when his wife brings it up and says, "I don't want to talk about it. You're making me not want to look for a job. "

It's childish.

Treating women with kid gloves is treating them like children.

If a woman wants respect, act like an adult.


Having said that, she maybe doing it because of some resentment towards the husband.

Or maybe not. As always, it takes two to tango.


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## sisters359

You say you don't need a trophy wife but then you also say she is a reflection on you--which is it? 

IF you simply aren't attracted to her b/c of the way she dresses/acts, then that's one thing. But do not try to convince her that she should do things so that YOU look better to people she may not know and certainly does not care about. You need to have the confidence to be who you are and accepted for that, not for how your wife looks. 

But--your wife was a dancer. Dancers often starve themselves. She may just be very glad to be able to eat what she enjoys. She either does not want to wear other clothes or hasn't figured out how to dress her "new" body, which can take time. If you have approached this from a selfish direction, you've probably hurt her feelings, too, and she may feel worse about herself after finally feeling she didn't have to worry about how she looked all the time.


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## Unhappy2011

sisters359 said:


> You say you don't need a trophy wife but then you also say she is a reflection on you--which is it?


Well if she is not a reflection of him, then what's the point of being married?

Are they two individuals or are they a couple?


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## sisters359

Your spouse is no reflection on you, and anyone with sense will understand that. 

It's irrational to judge someone based on their spouse, particularly since very few people know the whole story. Anyone who actually does that is just revealing that they are a pretty shallow person--shallow as in, rushing to judgment on things they don't know about, rather than stopping to think things through.

Does having a spouse who is "unattractive" mean you are a less intelligent, capable, interesting, etc., person than you are? Of course not. When you let your spouse's appearance be a reflection on you, in means you are allowing yourself to assume that others are judging you for what your spouse looks like. Rational people won't, and who cares what the others think?


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## Unhappy2011

sisters359 said:


> *Your spouse is no reflection on you, and anyone with sense will understand that.*
> 
> It's irrational to judge someone based on their spouse, particularly since very few people know the whole story. Anyone who actually does that is just revealing that they are a pretty shallow person--shallow as in, rushing to judgment on things they don't know about, rather than stopping to think things through.
> 
> Does having a spouse who is "unattractive" mean you are a less intelligent, capable, interesting, etc., person than you are? Of course not. When you let your spouse's appearance be a reflection on you, in means you are allowing yourself to assume that others are judging you for what your spouse looks like. Rational people won't, and who cares what the others think?


We are talking about someone who let themselves go. And their spouse is losing attraction because of it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

The pants thing, most pants are low rise and meant to show butt crack. I think they intend women to wear thongs. Since I don't wear underwear, my crack shows if my shirt is not long enough. There are many days where I dress comfortable and stay in my pj's. Those are the days I'm not feeling well or my pain is sky rocketing. I'm permanently disabled with a neck injury. The last two weeks I've had a kindney infection and spent a week in the hospital. My husband also dresses down on weekends. He wears pj's or sweats. Even after breaking my neck, I never heard my husband complain of my weight gain. I gained 30 pounds and lost most of it.

I guess I consider myself lucky. My husband doesn't mind. I do try and eat healthy though. I'm into super foods like chia seeds, fish oil, sprouts, ect. We teach our children healthily habits as well. I use to run 36 miles a week, but had to quit. I can only bike on my good days.

I do think it's normal to go through periods of sloppiness here and there. Depending how we feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

> Originally Posted by sisters359
> Your spouse is no reflection on you, and anyone with sense will understand that.
> 
> It's irrational to judge someone based on their spouse, particularly since very few people know the whole story. Anyone who actually does that is just revealing that they are a pretty shallow person--shallow as in, rushing to judgment on things they don't know about, rather than stopping to think things through.
> 
> Does having a spouse who is "unattractive" mean you are a less intelligent, capable, interesting, etc., person than you are? Of course not. When you let your spouse's appearance be a reflection on you, in means you are allowing yourself to assume that others are judging you for what your spouse looks like. Rational people won't, and who cares what the others think?
> 
> 
> 
> We are talking about someone who let themselves go. And their spouse is losing attraction because of it.
Click to expand...




That's a different question, and not the one you quoted to begin with.

A lot of people will say that they don't care when their spouse gains weight (as long as it doesn't become a health issue); a lot will say they do. I guess people should figure out which type they are before they marry someone and make sure only to marry someone who shares their p.o.v.

But if he believes marriage is for better or for worse, I would think this covers "fat or thin." If not, he can set his boundaries, make sure she is aware and that he supports her w/o criticism, and hope for the best.


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## pidge70

OP hasn't been back since 2009.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

pidge70 said:


> OP hasn't been back since 2009.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: Why spoil the party, Pidge!?


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## Unhappy2011

sisters359 said:


> That's a different question, and not the one you quoted to begin with.


But that is what the OP is talking about.


Your extrapolation that wanting your spouse to not let themselves go means wanting a trophy wife was extreme.

Especially since the OP stated, "I don't expect a trophy wife but some concern for her health and beauty I think is a reasonable request. "

Also I don't think trophy wives are necessarily a good thing, since that conjurs up some image of an older rich dude who married some younger woman who spends her days in the gym.

It's obviously not a marriage based solely on love.


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## Mr&MrsSmith

I think my husband would love me now matter how I looked but 
I still want to be someone he is proud to walk around with at the same time. We all need to make a continued effort as the years go by.. husbands and wives.


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## Runs like Dog

Some things you have no control over, like losing your hair or ballooning up from steroid treatments. That can be fixed. Even obesity or anorexia can be fixed. Washing your hair and basic maintenance can be fixed. If a woman, or a man, simply does not care how they look and isn't in the depths of depression psychosis then other than schooling them in how to dress, how to do their hair and makeup I don't know what to suggest. 

My wife allows me to buy and pick out her clothes and suggest to her what to wear and what not to wear. I tell her when it's time to touch up her hair color, get a trim, when to throw her old clothes and shoes out etc. Otherwise you'd think I'm her social worker and she's a homeless shopping cart lady who talks to cats.


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## calif_hope

Timothy

It is possible that your wife is suffering from depression or has other issues that she is self-medicating with food.


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## Ilovecurls

*A similar problem* - My wife looks after herself but is locked in the past. She styles her hair (a classic Teacher's bob)the same way she did when she was 16 using a HOT hair dryer. Same with her make-up, (if she ever wears any) which is a very basic1950's style. Her dress sense is excellent! 

I encourage her to be adventurous but she insists she's happy with it and nobody else complains. Money is scarse but we could still afford a quality make over, in Manchester. Nevertheless she digs her heels in. There is no question she loves me very much and she says she hates women's lib, but she still won't budge. I am 64 and she is 61 and I've been trying for 10yrs - I work in Manchester and I see Attractive Mature Women every day, which makes it doubly frustrating. 

Not much help I know other than to say you're not on your own. Its a bit drastic I know, but at your age you could let her see you mixing with "Beautifull" people - Might just make her think - always supposing she's the jealous type. Good Luck xx


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## Enginerd

Sensitive said:


> I think it is a sign of maturity to not be concerned about your appearance, and not care what others think. I also hope there is not an obvious reason why she is more comfortable with her unpampered look. Did she start a professional job? Do you guys have children? Is she busy with other priorities in her life? I hope that if you love each other, the outside appearance is not a number one concern.



A sign of maturity would be to realize that her appearance affects her husband and her marriage. I agree that caring too much about what others think is immature, but we are talking about her husband not some random strangers. I'm not an overly vain man but I put in an effort to look decent and take care of myself. If my wife just gave up I would lose respect for her. It's a clear signal that she doesn't care about what I think and that is not a marriage.


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## Cee Paul

My wife and I have both put on significant weight since getting married and that's not so bad, but what I can't stand is that her knowing what totally turns me on(pretty hands & feet)and she has let both of those go to hell and and hasn't gotten a manicure or a pedicure in over a year. Then she wonders why all the foot massages have stopped and that I don't really want her feet on me, and that's because I don't need to look at untrimmed toes with chipped off paint and dry rough feet up close in my face.


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## scione

Wonder if he's still reading this thread.

I rather have my wife gain weight and be ugly than being a pretty hot mama for someone else to prey on.


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## Holland

scione said:


> Wonder if he's still reading this thread.
> 
> I rather have my wife gain weight and be ugly than being a pretty hot mama for someone else to prey on.


So you are insecure in your marriage?

I do my best to look as good as I can both for myself and for my guy. Letting yourself go is a pretty good clue that things are not going well in your life.


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## Dubya

For some, an attractive spouse or financial support is an emotional need. Whether you think it is shallow of not, it is a legitimate need for some folks. It shouldn't be ignored if it needed by your partner or yourself. 

Anybody that says otherwise is thinking wishfully or burying their hand in the sand. check out His Needs, Her Needs by Harley

Ad wow, how did a three year thread get necro'ed?


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## Anonymous07

Timothy said:


> I will think about more healthy activities we can both share. She gets mad at me when I suggest we BOTH eat a salad or baked chicken instead of fried.


Instead of suggesting she do this or that, which makes her defensive, try praising her for things she does that are good for her health or whenever she, even slightly, tries to do something about her appearance. Many people respond better to praise than criticism. Just a thought.


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## NextTimeAround

I think looking good for your partner, or as we age, looking our best is important. I make sure my hair and nails look nice when we go out. And dress nicely.

I remind my fiance to look nice too. He doesn't wear his heavy metal t-shirts when we go out anymore. He wears leather shoes, not his tennis shoes. and has thrown always all his pants that are frayed at the hem.

He keeps his bald head nice and smooth and I like it when he grows a beard.

In the early days, he asked me what I thought about his hairy body. I told I really don't mind. I also thought this was good because then if he ever showed up waxed or shaved, well, then I would know immediately that he's been fooling around. But we're way past that now.

I just wish that he would eat better and excercise regularly. He's already taking high blood pressure pills.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Anonymous07 said:


> Instead of suggesting she do this or that, which makes her defensive, try praising her for things she does that are good for her health or whenever she, even slightly, tries to do something about her appearance. Many people respond better to praise than criticism. Just a thought.


This is a great idea!


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