# Is my husband bisexual or am I overreacting.



## Vivi (Apr 28, 2017)

Like others, my sex life has stalled with my husband. After 13 years and 4 kids, I guess it was bound to happen. We've been open about the lack of sex and the lack of intimacy. We've tried toys, scheduled sex, nothing seemed to bring back that spark. My husband told me he wanted a 3 way and I agreed out of desperation. I figured if I at least did something to make him happy, maybe I could find happiness myself. What surprised me is that he wanted another man. I guess I just assumed he wanted a woman. So my husband set everything up and found the guy on Craigslist. We met for coffee and the guy seemed pretty nice. He said he had done it once before but I still couldn't help but feel nervous.

So I'll spare the unnecessary details about the sex but the problem and the reason I'm here is because during the encounter, my husband began to give this man oral sex. I was not ok with that and I couldn't stand to see him doing that. I don't know why but it just feels like that wasn't his first time. He moved as if he did it before. He also did it until the guy climaxed. This whole thing just killed my mood but my husband seemed so happy. We talked later about it and he said it was his first time. The worst past is that he enjoyed it and said he wants to do this again. I love this man but I don't know what to do. Maybe this behavior is normal since this was my first 3 way. I don't want to deprive him off his happiness but it just hurts to see him do that since​I could never satisfy him in that way. Am I overreacting or is this normal?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Bi or gay. A hetro guy will never put a penis in his mouth. I guess you have to figure out how much you love him and what your happiness means to you vs his.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I'll go out on a limb and say any guy who spontaneously sucks another guy's **** and enjoys it enough to want to do it again is either bisexual or gay. 

That this is a surprise to you, if not to him, would suggest you desperately need to have some heart-to-heart talks about sexuality & your relationship. Seeing this unfold obviously ran counter to your image of him, and it's one of those things that's hard to minimize or pretend never happened--it's part of who he is. But you are who you are as well: your reactions and feelings are valid. After the shock subsides, you'll need to figure out if it's something you can accept.

Is your disconnect at giving him orgasm via oral A) a matter of technique, B) a matter of your H not being into receiving it in general, or C) because you were from the wrong team (ie, female) this whole time?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Hello

Well, my wife Mary is bisexual.

I can see the mirror.

First. It is not normal in the sense of being average. Certainly not what usually happens. Bisexual is defined by some, a common definition by those using the term, as part heterosexual and part homosexual. The bisexual community within the LesbianGayBisexualTransexual community is some fraction. The fraction is debated.

Homosexuality, including bisexuality, may be as high as 10 percent of the population, as some claim. That perhaps makes it fairly common, perhaps, but not average. Bisexuals may make up half of that, or less, who knows.

Bisexual women, such as my wife, are considered socially acceptable, while bisexual men are not. That's a judgement call by society.

Most people who are bisexual do not exercise their sexual interest in both sexes. They choose one or the other, and while they could be satisfied with either, they limit themselves to monogamy. 

While that is true, many people who are bisexual do find it necessary to explore their desire for both sexes. It can be very important to them, a desire which can overwhelm them.

Again, it is not normal, in the sense that it is not average. Most people are not like that. But I do think your husband is bisexual.

I can tell you more about the trials my wife went through if you wish it. I chose to stay married. It has been a wild ride. But a female who is bisexual is much easier to accept, we both readily recognize that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Labels really don't matter. 
Clearly the OP's husband enjoyed intimate acts with another man. Maybe it was his first time and he just did it naturally (or had practiced with sex toys), or maybe he's done it before. 

If he's done it before without telling you, then he has cheated. Doesn't matter if it was with a man or woman. 

Putting aside the possibility that he cheated, the real question is whether he can be happy just having sex with you, or if you can be happy if he has sex with other men (with our without you around).

It sounds like you are not OK with him having sex with other men. That's perfectly OK, very few women would be happy with their husbands being intimate with other men. 


SO - is he willing to just have sex with you for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter if he is attracted to other men (most people are attracted to people other than their spouses), but whether he is willing to not act on that attraction.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm leaning toward bisexual, I do not think a straight man would do as he has and enjoy it enough to do it again.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife became bisexual the first time she performed oral sex on her girlfriend of 30 years. There is a chance he can be bi-curious but as we found out with girls who had sex with my wife, they were usually bi and in the closet. My wife was in the closet until she was close to 30 years old. It depends on whether he is sexually attracted to men or not. Asking for a man tends to say he is attracted to them. 

Also realize that sexuality is not black and white. Imagine a long line with heterosexual on one end and homosexual on the other. We all fall somewhere on that line, and not all on polar opposites. Whether you choose to act on your sexuality is up to each individual. Although my wife is bi, she only will have sex with women if I am part of it. She will only have sex with women she has some sort of feelings for. She only wants sex and companionship with women, not romance, dating or marriage. There is no black or white. Our girlfriend liked sex with men better but women in other areas of her life. She was more my lover than my wife's but in all else, she was inseparable with my wife. Here is the best definition of bisexuality by Robin Ochs:

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Regarding sexual relations with other men, well something tells me that this wasn't exactly your H's first trip to the rodeo!

No self respecting man legitimately supporting a family would ever offer to subject his loving wife into seeing him perform something as utterly disgusting as that!

I think it's beyond time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting!" And the sooner, the better! 

And to take it a step farther, you ought to be talking with a good family attorney!*


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Disgusting. Why are you worried about whether he is bi or not? How could you let him touch you again?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My take on this is that this is not the first time your husband has been with a man.

Most likely, the reason that there has been a lack of sex in your marriage is that your husband has been having sex (aka cheating) with men all along. He's getting his sexual needs met. 

Why do I think this? It is highly unlikely that a straight man suggest that mmf 3some, let alone just go down on a guy to completion the first time he experiences this.

Another reason I think this is that your husband seemed at ease just picking up a stranger off craigslist to have sex with. This is one of the riskiest ways to find people to have sex with. You might want to check his cell phone history, craigslist history and email history. He might even have a secret email account. 

This is not his first rodeo. He probably knows the guy you had that 3some with. It was a way to trick you into getting involved in his secret sex life.... playing a dirty little joke on you. This is not unusual. It's a bit of a game some men play on their wives. The men are engaging is a separate sex life. So they talk their wife into being involved in it. That way if she ever complains and/or finds out the truth, he feels justified in pointing the finger back at her ..."but you did it too".

Your husband has been cheating with men on the side, probably for years if not your entire marriage. 

You need to get an STD test.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

So do you want to be married to a gay guy?


Pull the triger and get divorced!


Make an exit plan .......start saving some money .see a lawyer know your rights.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I am straight but I shared apts with both gay man and women in my younger days.There is not a chance that this was your husband first time to put a penis in his mouth,it just doesn't happen that seamlessly.And this was in front of you,his wife.Think about the first time you blew a guy,I bet you were nervous and probably didn't enjoy it too much,how would you have felt with a previous boyfriend looking on.Your husband has probably been in the closet for years and hiding his bisexuality/homosexuality.I hope for your own sake you use condoms every time you have sex with him or anyone else.Did the guy he blew use a condom,if not you are open to lots of std's and possibly hiv.Whether he wants another threesome is immaterial,it's your decision whether you want to share your husband and have an open marriage or not.His homosexuality is now stronger than his heterosexuality and there is no guarantee it will ever change.
Your health is at risk here,be very careful and get him and yourself tested.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

Just remember, it's the women who say "no" to sex, not men. He is gay and has had sex with men before. Probably a lot. You may be able to get over another man cumming in his mouth, but the lies may be a little hard.

Yes, do check as much browser history as possible. And get checked for STD's. You are in for a world of pain here. Tip of the iceberg baby. Either divorce him or go INSANE with three ways. Maybe do the later before the former. 

And some of these responses. Seriously? Ya' THINK?



Lostme said:


> I do not think a straight man would do as he has and enjoy it enough to do it again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> I am straight but I shared apts with both gay man and women in my younger days.There is not a chance that this was your husband first time to put a penis in his mouth,it just doesn't happen that seamlessly.And this was in front of you,his wife.Think about the first time you blew a guy,I bet you were nervous and probably didn't enjoy it too much,how would you have felt with a previous boyfriend looking on.Your husband has probably been in the closet for years and hiding his bisexuality/homosexuality.I hope for your own sake you use condoms every time you have sex with him or anyone else.Did the guy he blew use a condom,if not you are open to lots of std's and possibly hiv.Whether he wants another threesome is immaterial,it's your decision whether you want to share your husband and have an open marriage or not.His homosexuality is now stronger than his heterosexuality and there is no guarantee it will ever change.
> *Your health is at risk here, be very careful and get him and yourself tested.*


*To hell with getting him checked out for STD's, be concerned about yourself! You're the one who's ultimately got to look after the welfare of those kids!

This marriage-long deception needs to be exposed for what it is and should be dealt with severely ~ get yourself post haste to a good "piranha" family lawyer to have them assess both your legal property and custodial rights, right after evicting him from the home! If he absolutely needs them, he can just go have his little "sausage-fests" elsewhere!

Neither you nor your children need to be around or have anything as deplorable as this in your very midst!*


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

That wasn't his first rodeo.

But he's pretty smart for finding a way to get his bisexual activity 'approved' of right in front of you, instead of having to orchestrate sneaking around behind your back. There are heterosexual men who like to be the 3rd in a 'hot wife' situation where the husband enjoys watching his wife sexually with another man - but there's NO interaction at all between the men. Then there are the bisexual men who want to be in a threesome and interact with BOTH partners.

You husband made sure to find a bisexual man for this threesome. Trust me, he made SURE the guy was bi. That was no accident.

Since you're not pleased with his supposed 'new found' bisexuality, it looks like he'll just have to duck back into the closet and conduct all his extra-curricular activity on Craigslist once more.

I'd definitely be getting a full panel of STD testing. God knows how long your husband has been doing this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My wife and I were very involved in the swinging lifestyle for many years and have had many 3somes, couple/couple 4somes and lots and lots of group sex encounters. 

Heterosexual men will recoil and cringe and often even lose their erections if their elbows brush against each other in a group encounter. 

I think you have actually been duped here and had one pulled over on you. 

I think your husband is at the least very bisexual if not actually on the gay end of the sexuality spectrum. There are lots of men that are primarily homosexual, but marry women and have a home and family because that is what is expected of them and they want to live in normal, mainstream society without being labeled as gay. 

I think your husband used some smoke-and-mirrors to get you to accept and condone his interest in man/man sex. 

I also firmly believe that this other guy is also a practicing bisexual and that your H and the OM had this all prearranged worked out to one degree or another before even approaching you about it. 

I have been in MFM 3-somes before and I can tell you that if any man started making a move on my junk, he would get tossed out of the room if not actually punched out. 

Unless both men have established that each is bi and that M/M contact is welcome, there is a huge risk of violence if one man were to make an unsolicited advance on another man. 

I think you husband is an experienced, practicing bisexual if not actually homosexual man and this encounter was an attempt to get you to sign off on him having M/M encounters on the side with your consent. 

This was not really an attempt to spice up and improve your marital sexlife. This was an attempt get you to acknowledge and accept his homosexuality.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Vinnydee said:


> Yep. My wife became bisexual the first time she performed oral sex on her girlfriend of 30 years.



Surely she must have been bi sexual before giving the oral? Or is that something that brings on bi sexuality? 

I agree about sexuality not being black and white. However sucking another guy's **** spontaneously is, I'm afraid, pretty much in one particular spectrum (not that there is anything wrong with that).
If your sex life is otherwise pretty lousy, I would venture to say that he's closer to the homosexual spectrum (the end bit of it...). 

Was it painful to watch your wife go down on another girl or was it a turn on? I can't make up my mind about it. It sort of seems amazing in my head but I'm not sure what it's like in real life.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Just remember, it's the women who say "no" to sex, not men. He is gay and has had sex with men before. Probably a lot. You may be able to get over another man cumming in his mouth, but the lies may be a little hard.
> 
> Yes, do check as much browser history as possible. And get checked for STD's. You are in for a world of pain here. Tip of the iceberg baby. Either divorce him or go INSANE with three ways. Maybe do the later before the former.
> 
> And some of these responses. Seriously? Ya' THINK?


Um Yeah I think so. Actually men do say no to sex!!!!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Vivi said:


> *After 13 years*


First of all it is normal for a couple to experience problems after 13 years in regards to loosing the spark in the bedroom. This happens in heterosexual relationships in almost all marriages at some point in the event self development as a couple stalls. Generally the spark returns as self development improves (new hobby or pursuit of life goals) that results in an overall better wellbeing. 

So with that in mind ask yourself if sex has ALWAYS been bad, or if it is only recently? If your sex life used to be good at least at some point, then you have a little less to be concerned about. If it has always been problematic then indeed your husband has been struggling with _something_ all along and you should be very concerned.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i do not know much about such things, but i thought the new man pleasures the wife FIRST. Then the husband pleasures the wife second. THEN if they are so inclined....they play with each other. Maybe try the threesome again, but YOU pick a guy....maybe a guy you know that has shown some interest in you. See how it goes with a more level playing field.

Craigslist is probably the LAST place you should look. There are swinger sites, like SLS, where the people actually get STD tested, and have rules.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheRealMcCoy said:


> Just remember, it's the women who say "no" to sex, not men.


This is a stereo type that is just not true. The fact is that men choose to make their marriages sexless at about the same rate as women do. 




TheRealMcCoy said:


> He is gay and has had sex with men before. Probably a lot. You may be able to get over another man cumming in his mouth, but the lies may be a little hard.
> 
> Yes, do check as much browser history as possible. And get checked for STD's. You are in for a world of pain here. Tip of the iceberg baby. Either divorce him or go INSANE with three ways. Maybe do the later before the former.
> 
> And some of these responses. Seriously? Ya' THINK?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

this is ridiculous. Find a man that wants to put his penis in you, and not another dude's thing in his mouth.
Pretty simple. Case closed.

Everyone is right, he's been having sex with other men. I'll bet the other dude's profile is about as old as your h's.
He's gay. That's why he diesn't have sex with you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Trolling Craigslist for a man to screw your wife. A new low in civilization.


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## Vivi (Apr 28, 2017)

Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

I have a question that I hope somebody can answer. Why is it that the most commonly accepted threesome is female, female, male? And nobody is screaming "lesbian" if that happens? But if a threesome is male, male, female, "gay" is all anybody sees?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Currently male bisexuality is not socially accepted nearly as well as female bisexuality. The saying is if a man has sex with a man once, such as the description in the Original Post, he is gay, while if a woman has sex with a woman once she is hot. It's the social belief.

That said, the man described in the Original Post is bisexual or gay. He is definitely not straight. There is some chance he had rehearsed the scenario in his head so often he found it easy to proceed with the reality on his first try. That can happen. But it is most likely that wasn't his first time. The fact that he isn't surprised by it himself is also indicative it wasn't his first time.

Vivi, I can assure you your husband is either bisexual or gay. If he does sometimes enjoy sex with you, he is almost certainly bisexual. He is not straight, that's for sure.

You probably should explore the probability he has explored his homosexual side before this event.

My wife was repressed by people in her church when she was 14 years old, and forgot herself for years. They used to do that when they noticed people of different sexuality, back when she was that age. It was quite traumatic. So she didn't realize she was bisexual, or part homosexual and part heterosexual, until much later in life.

Without some traumatic issue to delay the realization of his sexuality it seems likely your husband has been aware of his homosexual side for quite a while. Especially since he seems comfortable with it now. 

You do have several issues to deal with.

Just how interested in males is he?

Is he still interested in you?

Has he done this before? This is questioning his fidelity to you, and probably the hardest part of all this, I think.

Does he actually hope you will consent to continue with similar threesomes?

Do you think you could handle continuing with similar threesomes?

If he chooses to continue having sex with men with or without you, will you choose to divorce him?

Believe it or not, many marriages go through this every year, from what I have read. It is very hard to face.

Please be well.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


You are refusing to believe a LOT of stuff, i.e,
1 that his first time with a dude wS that threeeay thing.
2 that he is gay
3 thathe hasn't cheated on you
4 that you have a real chance of having passionate sex with your husband again.
5 that you aren't going to catch diseases from these nasty people.

I could go on.
But you get the idea.

I'm sorry


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that *I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house.* My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


Is that guy in your house other than for the one 3some you had? What you wrote makes it sound like he is.

How often is this guy in your house now?

Why does your husband need that guy to be in your house in order for him to be happy? Why is his happiness depending on that guy?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.



I don't mean to sound archaic but there is nothing terribly 'normal' about having a threesome in the first place. Then blowing a guy as if he's done it all his life should probably give you a clue about his preference...How often does he go down on you (willingly)?
Urrgh. These threads. Just woke up sweating from a dream (nightmare) of having a in my mouth. (Not that there is anything wrong with that ). But I'm ready for some counselling. Feeling a bit distressed.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Regarding sexual relations with other men, well something tells me that this wasn't exactly your H's first trip to the rodeo!
> 
> No self respecting man legitimately supporting a family would ever offer to subject his loving wife into seeing him perform something as utterly disgusting as that!
> 
> ...


First off his actions weren't disgusting. Whole they weren't a sex act you may be interested in it certainly doesn't make them discusting. I think it's forum is supposed to be a place of safety for posters and to insult peoples preferences diminishes that safety. Second, jumping to divorce without further exploring the issue is fair to neither spouse in this situation. 

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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*What the hell is this dude doing in their house??!!*

This must be a wind up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


 @Vivi, this exact, and I do mean EXACT, thing happened to a dear friend of mine. 

Her husband started proposing spicing things up by bringing another man into their bedroom. He brought home some guy and they had a few 3somes but with no M/M contact initially. 

Her husband traveled a lot for work and so he then proposed that this guy could stay at the house to keep 'HER' company and supposedly for 'her' benefit. 

Well one day she came home unexpectedly and found the two guys naked in bed going at it and as it turned out, they were butt-buddies along and they were simply bringing throwing her a bone (no pun intended) now and then to keep her quiet and as a means to explain why some other dude was living in the basement. 

Not too long after this happened, she got a phone call from the police to come down to the police station to bail him out of jail. He got caught by the cops blowing some other guy in a park and got arrested for indecent exposure. 

Then not too long after that he got fired from his job because he was using the company computers to arrange his gay hook ups in all the places he was traveling to for work. 

She eventually divorced him and now he is completely "out" and is openly living the gay lifestyle and everything is pretty much ok now for everyone. 

I think the similarities between your two stories are similar enough to conclude that you are simply being played here. 

Your H is into dudes. He has probably always been into dudes to one degree or another and has likely had sexual contact with men before and there is a good chance he has had sex with men during the course of your marriage. 

It was probably getting too hard for him to keep up the appearances of being a standard, heterosexual husband and father and he wanted to see if you would be ok with him bringing some other men home. 

Some chicks dig seeing their men get down with other dudes and are good with it just like many husbands are good with their wives getting down with other women. 

This is something that you two are going to need to come to terms with as a couple and he is going to have to come clean that he is into dudes and how is he going to manage his homosexuality/bisexuality in relation to you marriage. 

And you will have to determine if this is something you can live with and tolerate or not. 

If you aren't into 3somes with him enjoying other men and you aren't ok with him hooking up with other men on the side and he isn't ok with having a traditional, monogamous, heterosexual relationship with you - then you will both probably be better off to remain friends and cooperative coparents and go your separate ways. 

That way you can both be with other men that you each can click with better and have the relationships that you each want.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


Yes, you've made it abundantly clear that even WITH the visual proof *right in front of your eyes*, you still choose to believe that your husband is heterosexual.

And I'm going to say it again - your husband PURPOSELY chose a bisexual man for your threesome. You can keep denying his bisexuality all you want but it doesn't NEGATE the fact that male-on-male contact is *NOT* "normally part of a threesome." 

Not unless that threesome is termed "MMF." That's what denotes a threesome where the MEN will interact. An MFM means it's two men interacting ONLY with a woman. Only an idiot would dare to touch another man in a threesome whose CLEARLY stated that he's hetero - he'd risk being humiliated AND getting his face punched in. Your husband knew _exactly_ what he was doing when he brought that man home - having an MMF threesome.

And NOW, he's all 'upset' that you don't want to bring his play-toy back into your house because you're depriving him of his bisexual activity.

Deny it all you want. But eventually, you're going to have to face the truth. Sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i do not know much about such things, but i thought the new man pleasures the wife FIRST. Then the husband pleasures the wife second. THEN if they are so inclined....they play with each other. Maybe try the threesome again, but YOU pick a guy....maybe a guy you know that has shown some interest in you. See how it goes with a more level playing field..


That actually happens?

I just see it as TWICE the work for the woman. :rofl:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> i do not know much about such things, but i thought the new man pleasures the wife FIRST. Then the husband pleasures the wife second. .


That actually happens?

I just see it as TWICE the work for the woman. :rofl:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> First off his actions weren't disgusting. Whole they weren't a sex act you may be interested in it certainly doesn't make them discusting. I think it's forum is supposed to be a place of safety for posters and to insult peoples preferences diminishes that safety. Second, jumping to divorce without further exploring the issue is fair to neither spouse in this situation.
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


Well, to a heterosexual, that is indeed disgusting.
And, even if not heterosexual, sucking some dude''a **** one meets on Craigslist--- if that's not disgusting, we have very different views on what's ok and what's not.'


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well, to a heterosexual, that is indeed disgusting.
> And, even if not heterosexual, sucking some dude''a **** one meets on Craigslist--- if that's not disgusting, we have very different views on what's ok and what's not.'


I'm not saying that it wouldn't turn many people off. I'm simply trying to point to the language used and how it could affect people who identify as LGBT. 

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mollymolz said:


> I'm not saying that it wouldn't turn many people off. I'm simply trying to point to the language used and how it could affect people who identify as LGBT.
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


I see your point. It's easy to forget that everyone is not like me. I'm the center of the universe, after all. 😊


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I see your point. It's easy to forget that everyone is not like me. I'm the center of the universe, after all. 😊


Aren't we all  

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah. But I am actually the center of the universe.

Except on this thread, Vivi is.

I hope Vivi is holding up. This is going to be a very trying time for her. Her world is crumbling.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> My take on this is that this is not the first time your husband has been with a man.
> 
> Most likely, the reason that there has been a lack of sex in your marriage is that your husband has been having sex (aka cheating) with men all along. He's getting his sexual needs met.
> 
> ...


1 - agreed, not his first time having sex with other men.
2 - agreed on his reduced sex drive for OP. He's more into males, it seems.
3 - Most MFM are straight guys. While most FFM are bisexual women. (Hence, there is 3some porn vs bisexual porn)
4 - Get the STD tests. It is common for "straight" married men to pick up guys on craigslist and tender. A guy wrote and article on his experiences of doing it. There is also a spectrum of Male / Male sex that isn't quite "gay" but just for the sex act. - doesn't matter. Anyway, the guy in the article says he had sex with many "straight married men".
So hence, I agree and believe that the bi/gay population is 10% and then some.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mollymolz said:


> I'm not saying that it wouldn't turn many people off. I'm simply trying to point to the language used and how it could affect people who identify as LGBT.


People have personal preferences. It is find or a person to express their personal preferences and their reaction to something like what the OP says occurred.

LGBT people are not the only ones who have delicate sensibilities. How about we allow all people to be able to honestly express those sensibilities?


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Sorry, I wasn't trying to rock the boat. I know we all have our own 

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vivi said:


> . I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way?
> 
> .


It is normal for 2 BISEXUAL men to have consensual contact in a 3 way. 

Heterosexual men are utterly repulsed at the thought of even inadvertently brushing elbows with another man and will do everything they can to not touch each other.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Reactions too it. I'm an ally to the LGBT in real life and I guess that comes out in my reactions to words. 

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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> i do not know much about such things, but i thought the new man pleasures the wife FIRST. Then the husband pleasures the wife second. THEN if they are so inclined....they play with each other. Maybe try the threesome again, but YOU pick a guy....maybe a guy you know that has shown some interest in you. See how it goes with a more level playing field.


There isn't a set rule on how to do 3somes / 4somes or more. They can go in any order.

What if SHE asks for a woman... I bet his interests in that kind of 3some will not be so strong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TaDor said:


> 1 - agreed, not his first time having sex with other men.
> 2 - agreed on his reduced sex drive for OP. He's more into males, it seems.
> 3 - Most MMF are straight guys. While most FFM are bisexual women.
> 4 - Get the STD tests. It is common for "straight" married men to pick up guys on craigslist and tender. A guy wrote and article on his experiences of doing it. There is also a spectrum of Male / Male sex that isn't quite "gay" but just for the sex act. - doesn't matter. Anyway, the guy in the article says he had sex with many "straight married men".
> So hence, I agree and believe that the bi/gay population is 10% and then some.




MFM is usually straight guys. FMF is usually straight women with the activity being focused on the opposite sex.

MMF is usually bi guys. (focus is sex between the men) just like FFM is lesbian sex between the women with a bit of activity with the M. 

And yes, I have heard that some straight guys will have sexual contact with other men just to have sex. I’ve had gay guys tell me that they can always find some guy to have sex with if they wait around a club/bar until all the women have left. There will always be guys who want sex no matter who it’s with. But usually the straight guy is on the receiving end of the bj.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vivi said:


> I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way?


Denial much???????


It *is* perfectly normal for 2 guys to have consensual, sexual contact during a 3 way......... provided it is two BISEXUAL men.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vivi said:


> I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


This is very apparent - you are clearly in denial.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well, to a heterosexual, that is indeed disgusting.
> And, even if not heterosexual, sucking some dude''a **** one meets on Craigslist--- if that's not disgusting, we have very different views on what's ok and what's not.'


Thats insulting. Do you get oral from your wife or past girlfriends? Its no different. I've been asked by a gay guy at a party "may I suck your..." I said "no, thanks for the offer" and he continued on to somewhere else.

Men and women meet all the time from online contacts, is that really much different? And I'm not referring to prostitution.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vivi said:


> Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood..


OK let's look at a few facts - he sucked another man's penis to orgasm in front of you, I think it's going to be OK to broach that topic. 

He has obviously reached a level of comfort with his bisexuality that he is willing to show it to you. He drained another man's dragon right in front of you, I don't think you having a discussion about his sexuality and his orientation is going to "step on his manhood." 

He is obviously comfortable enough with you being there in person and experiencing it with him, so talking about it is not going to be an affront to his masculinity. 

You may have some current issues with your sense of his masculinity and what you think of his manhood - but he is obviously good with it. 

The ball is in your court now. He has shown you who and what he is. Now it's your turn to face up to it and what it means to you.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well. What's in a word.

What hurts is your husband wants something you can't provide for him.

When my wife remembered she is bisexual, I was not comfortable with it. It hurt that she desired someone who I could not compete with. Guys were no challenge to me, but a girl, I couldn't compete with a girl.

As mentioned, the reason my wife was not actually aware of her own desires before was because of traumatic repression. After that was worked out, she told me of her desires, her feelings. She made no attempt to pressure me into anything. But we talked about it. It's one of the only times my wife ever actually talked to me. I could tell her libido was soaring after she recovered her memories. Mary was fantasizing about it day and night.

In the end I did decide it was something Mary needed to explore, to feel whole. So I provided her the opportunity. As much as a challenge as anything else. So nothing about the encounter was a surprise to me. It wasn't a threesome. It was just my wife and a lesbian friend of an acquaintance. I was present, because I would never have accepted anything happening outside my presence.

What I really feel sorry for is the way Vivi's husband ambushed her.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Vivi said:


> Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house.


Gay, bi or straight... we're all still men. You both have a lot to talk about and sort out. You're afraid mean there are issues.



> My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


Vivi, "I have the right to be happy" is cheater language. He wants you to give him permission to have sex with MEN. *IF* he just wanted a 3some, it would have been and usually with another woman. As you said it yourself, HE set it up. That is likely how he and his boyfriend met. The story that Oldshirt shared with you, happens here and there.

I've done many threesomes, with my wife and past GF. Nobody guy did oral to me, or accidentally ended up on my penis in some strange way. Re-read you own post. YOUR husband is upset that YOU don't want him playing with his boy friend or boy toy. You can "refuse" and "not believe" all you want, it won't change your husband's past and projected actions. He wants to have sex with men. I've been hit on by a "married father" who just came out as "gay", he almost got hit because he grabbed my arm (this was just a club, not a sex party).

My wife is bi. But when she was younger - she was lesbian. Just girls. hence the "spectrum" phrase. People don't turn gay all of the sudden, but as we age - our sexuality maybe more fluid.

Watch. Your husband is going to really push for just this ONE guy to have threesomes with. if you and your husband is going to continue Open marriage sex with other men, STOP bringing them into your home where your kids sleep. Use a motel or hotel or THEIR places.

Honestly, you are not turned on by your husband's sex acts (what if they do anal in front of you?) and if the likely-hood is true that he has been having M on M sex for a while - then your marriage is in deep trouble. You may have to kick him out, its a possible health issue, safety issue and I think you'll start resenting your husband, or something else to that effect.

Good luck. Sorry about your situation.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> MFM is usually straight guys. FMF is usually straight women with the activity being focused on the opposite sex.
> 
> MMF is usually bi guys. (focus is sex between the men) just like FFM is lesbian sex between the women with a bit of activity with the M.
> 
> And yes, I have heard that some straight guys will have sexual contact with other men just to have sex. I’ve had gay guys tell me that they can always find some guy to have sex with if they wait around a club/bar until all the women have left. There will always be guys who want sex no matter who it’s with. But usually the straight guy is on the receiving end of the bj.


I accidentally typed in MMF rather than MFM. I had corrected before I saw your post. Oh well 

I've been told by at least 3 gay men that they meet up with married men in office buildings who are working late... "uh... okay. good to know". How many can turn down a free BJ???


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> The ball is in your court now. He has shown you who and what he is. Now it's your turn to face up to it and what it means to you.


What this means is that you are going to have to face up to the fact that your husband falls somewhere on the bisexual-homosexual spectrum and is not a completely heterosexual man. 

Additionally he does not wish to have a completely sexually monogamous relationship with you and wants to have some degree of open marriage where he(and you) can have a degree of sexual contact with other people. 

This means you will have to deal with the fact that he is bi/gay and with the fact he wants to continue to have sex with other men (has he ever said anything about wanting to explore with other women as well?)

You do not have the luxury of denial or keeping your head in the sand any longer. You are going to have to face this and address it and work out what your limits and boundaries are and if you can live with this or not. 

Since you both suck at communicating about this and dealing with it openly, my strenuous urging is for you to seek MC and work these issues out under the guidance and direction of a professional. 

The possible options here are -

- shut down any exploration and contact with other people/men and live with his unsatisfied yearnings and desires. 

- Allow him a certain amount of leeway with other men within certain guidelines and boundaries without your participation. 

- continue to have 3ways with your participation and learn to accept it and go with it. 

- open up your marriage completely where you each can see other men (and possibly women)

- call it quits and divorce and each of you move on to do as you please. 

Those are your general options. Each will have it's own set of pros and cons. 

It is something that you will have to discuss and work on as a couple and that will require open and direct communication by both of you and both of you are really falling down and bungling on that communication. 

I believe this issue is far too complex to rely on the advice of internet strangers. IMHO this will require professional counseling to work through.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes. Marriage Counseling would be good. And, believe it or not, there are specialists at dealing with LGBT issues and marriage. Kind of a niche, I would imagine. 

Please, do not be afraid to communicate with your husband. Even if he is afraid to communicate with you.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

What's the difference between a MMF and a FMM? The camera angle?

MMF MFM FMM FFM FMF MFF? WTF???????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TAM2013 said:


> What's the difference between a MMF and a FMM? The camera angle?
> 
> MMF MFM FMM FFM FMF MFF? WTF???????


MMF = 3 some where the men get it on and the woman gets a bit of attention from at least one of the men.

MFM = two men who do nothing sexual to each other. The two men basically service the woman.


WTF = white transgender with a female >


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> MMF = 3 some where the men get it on and the woman gets a bit of attention from at least one of the men.
> 
> MFM = two men who do nothing sexual to each other. The two men basically service the woman.
> 
> ...


Cool. Bringing in the racial angle for extra kink :nerd:

**** in mouth or not: what I want to know is: how do all you people get to have threesomes in real life? It seems like the most normal thing when reading comments on TAM. We seem to be living on different planets. Maybe it's a UK thing. Both me and my wife only ever had sex with one person, simultaneously. (As in: me wth her. And vice versa). That's probably also highly abnormal.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. He accused me of not wanting him to be happy. So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.




Let me get this straight, he finds a man on Craigslist and gives him a blowjob and you are worried about stepping on his manhood? How cN you even look at your husband in his face without throwing up? This is just disgusting. 

What difference does it make if he is gay or bi, I just couldn't be with him again. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

inmyprime said:


> Cool. Bringing in the racial angle for extra kink :nerd:
> 
> **** in mouth or not: what I want to know is: how do all you people get to have threesomes in real life? It seems like the most normal thing when reading comments on TAM. We seem to be living on different planets. Maybe it's a UK thing. Both me and my wife only ever had sex with one person, simultaneously. (As in: me wth her. And vice versa). That's probably also highly abnormal.


Most on TAM don't do threesomes. it's just that we are all experts on everything (that can be found on a google search) >


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@inmyprime : there are people who do threesomes in the UK or more. What's that popular thing in UK, oh yeah. Dogging

Not everyone does it in the USA, not even the majority.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

TaDor said:


> @inmyprime : there are people who do threesomes in the UK or more. What's that popular thing in UK, oh yeah. Dogging
> 
> Not everyone does it in the USA, not even the majority.


Is that the thing that George Michael used to get arrested for? Or was it mooning?

Actually we do live not far from the famous meet up place in Hampstead Heath but I thought that pleasure was only reserved for homosexual activities (not that there is anything wrong with that).


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

All of this speculation on what occurs normally during any kind of threesome is really just an academic debate here. For what purpose???

Young lady, your husband is BISEXUAL! And just as there are men on here who stay with their wives who have sex with multiple other men and cheat repeatedly, the choice of what to do has nothing to do with what we think but with how you feel and want to do.

If your husband functions perfectly well with you sexually, and if this thing does not spiral into any further worsening of your sex life, leave the labels alone but get out of denial. Many people have functional loving relationships with bisexual partners and now that it is out in the open its probably better for that prognosis. But what you need is the truth about what he is doing that you may not know about. I would be more concerned about that then the threesome. And if you decide to continue with this it may be better to find partners in a more safe way than Craigslist.

For societal reasons, the horror at his behavior is much greater because this involve two males rather than two females. If that was the case, many would still say it is not acceptable but the name calling would not be as prevalent.

Get out of DENIAL . That is your biggest hurdle here. Get the truth, and then you can decide if you can live with this or not.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> Bi or gay. A hetro guy will never put a penis in his mouth.



X200. Never ever ever. He's gay. 


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I really didn't want to weigh in on this thread, but here goes...

At this moment, nobody (including OP) knows what his true sexuality is except him (ie. whether he's gay or bi, that is).

So step one is for OP to discuss this with him. Duh. If he's gay, fine, see you later I guess. If he's bi, then OP can decide whether she can live with that or not. That's up to her to decide.

In any case, what's WRONG with this whole situation is that he did not discuss any of this prior to it happening. Forget all the other stuff - *that* is just plain awful of him. And the comments about wanting to be happy - worse.

At this point, his sexuality is the least of OP's problems. His selfishness and manipulation to get what he wants IS.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You: My husband is a craigslist troller who blows other men, and rarely if ever gives me sex just one-on-one with him. What should I do?

Me: You should divorce him and find a man who likes having sex with you, and preferably one that's never trolled craigslist for sex.

We now know your husband has a really bad quality: YOU are not good enough for him to want to be monogamous with. HE needs more.
Another quality: He likes giving men blow jobs and possibly more. I don't think that's a good one if one wants to be married to a WOMAN. JMO

Be realistic. Consider a divorce. He's not happy with you, and you are going to waste time getting more and more unhappy with him until you fall out of love.


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Vivi said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. Those words (gay and bi) are something that we've never discussed before. I'm almost afraid to bring them up since I feel like I would be stepping on his manhood. I did sit down with him today and told him that I didn't feel comfortable having this man in our house. My husband didn't flip out but he got a little upset. *He accused me of not wanting him to be happy.* So I don't know what to do. I keep telling myself that he isn't gay and although the other man didn't react strangely when my husband started, I'd like to think that something like this might be normal during a 3 way? I mean it seems that if my husband had something to hide, there would have been some sort of hesitance or shyness before he did it. I don't know but I just refuse to believe that he is gay.


I am sorry that you find yourself in this predicament.

The comment in bold is really telling. For your spouse to use the "you won't let me have sex with a 3rd person, so you don't want me to be happy" is BS. What's he trying to do, tell you that unless you let him stick cocks in his mouth in front of you, then you're a bad wife? If he wants gay sex, then why is he even married to you? I don't mean to sound old fashioned, but monogamy should be the standard unless both parties agree otherwise. You're basically saying you want monogamy, but he's trying to guilt you. Sounds like the writing is on the wall.

Good luck to you. I hope you can figure this all out!


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I would guess bi. However being bi is not a license to play around if in a committed monogamous relationship. I think you need to ask yourself what kind of marriage are you wanting then talk to your husband. 
Dont let your husband make you feel guilty. He sounds manipulative to me.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

That's a silly question to ask. 
Sort of like "is water wet?"
I would not even have an erection next to a male let alone touch and perform what he did.
It seems he is not only bi but homosexual if he's not interested. 
Best thing is to have counseling together because it's not normal to have a man suck d...k in front of his wife.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Jason Bourne said:


> That's a silly question to ask.
> 
> Sort of like "is water wet?"
> 
> ...




As opposed to it being normal doing this deed behind her back...? 

Either way that this isn't his first rodeo. Just the first time OP was included.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Craigslist finds? That is a very high risk way to get an STD.

Maybe she can learn to enjoy the fun of two men in the bedroom, even if there is some gay activity....but it would have to be with someone they know well, someone who was tested for STDs, someone who is NOT cruising craigslist for other high risk encounters with others....

Seems like she needs to have a very detailed talk with her husband about what the heck he is thinking.


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