# A question about jealousy in a shaky marriage



## Tapioca (Dec 1, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for over seven years, but only married for one. In the last year he told me that he is unhappy, and has been for a long time. We've always had trouble communicating well and I think we've grown apart because of it. 

When I met him I was pretty young, I met another woman about my age around the same time. I started dating my future husband and I became good friends with this young woman. She and I got along fine and had some fun but were never best friends, and she was often the one keeping the friendship going. Recently she's called me less, which is fine, and been spending more time with my husband. They get coffee and go on walks together, they also go out for drinks with her friends sometimes. This has never bothered me before.

She is a loyal person, and very nice, I don't think she would want to hurt me. But I can't help being incredibly jealous of her. My husband is not a very communicative person, and I think he tells her more about his feelings than he tells me sometimes. He usually gets defensive if I say anything negative about her. He says that he's glad they are friends because she's been someone he could rely on (something he hasn't felt he's been getting from me.) 

After we got into a big fight (unrelated to her) I realized how close they had become. I asked him if he would date her if we weren't together. He told me yes, he would. That bothered me a lot. Then a few weeks later he told me that he'd thought about it and, although he liked her a lot and valued her friendship he didn't think he could actually be in a relationship with her. This made me feel better.

But things keep happening that get under my skin. He bought her flowers on her birthday. He never volunteers information about them spending time together (he doesn't hide it either) but if I didn't ask I wouldn't know. He took her Christmas decorations and helped her decorate her house. He baked cookies with her. I'm never invited to hang out with them.

Today when I got home he had gone on a walk with her (which I knew about) and he had a box of presents on his desk from her when I got home. Things are so strained between he and I that I feel like I can't say anything because he'll think I'm being crazy. But... I'm so upset, I feel like I don't even have a chance because he won't tell me things and is more open with her... I think? And it hurts so much to see them do favors and nice gestures for each other. 

I go back and forth. I think they are just friends, and I'm glad he has someone he can talk to. I don't think either of them want to hurt me. But another part of me thinks he's given up on us and is letting their friendship get so close because he doesn't think it will matter in a couple of months. 

I've talked to him a little bit. But I think he'll get annoyed and defensive and less honest if I keep bringing it up. I thought about talking to her, but that seems wrong and manipulative. I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to fix things with the two of us. He's been unhappy, but I really haven't and didn't know there was such a large problem till a few months ago.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Honestly, honey, I think I would read the writing on the wall. And ask him for a divorce.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to talk to her. She is an intrusion to your relationship. Tell her that she is not welcome. Do not welcome her in your home. She is the other woman. Trust me. I am 35 years married. I would not let another woman be alone with my husband in any activity.

Your husband needs to know as well. Do not ask his permission to confront the other woman. She has taken your place. Prepare to move on if your husband does not stop this activity. Your marriage is in grave peril. Do not be a pushover or a doormat.


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## Tapioca (Dec 1, 2014)

I don't want to leave, I want things to work out. And I think that if this is problem... My husband probably doesn't realize how much.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tapioca said:


> I don't want to leave, I want things to work out. And I think that if this is problem... My husband probably doesn't realize how much.


I think he is well aware of how much of a problem it is.

I would ask for a divorce.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honey, he is cheating in at least an EA. He needs to be investing in you and receiving from you. Opposite sex friends are fine if they include you.

Get him to talk to you. He is falling into a trap. Level hard with your "friend".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

If you want to fix your marriage then you need to get her out of the picture and talk to your husband about this. If he chooses her over you than I would kick him to the curb. 

He is having an EA with her which can turn into an PA if it hasn't already, if you do not put a stop to this.

You can't save your marriage all by yourself, it will take both of you. But it seems he does not care and knows that you will not leave regardless of what he does, you need to stand up to both of them.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She is not your friend. And he does not deserve to be your husband anymore.

You don't have children. Sweetheart, there is no reason to stay. 

Do you really want, after less than a year of marriage, to have to try to talk to your husband into recommitting to you? Really?


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