# A man's opinion? Why behave this way?



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm back on the dating scene after my divorce last year and I'm a little rusty at this so bear with me. For my education (for the future), I'm wondering why my sig other of 7 months behaved this way: 

Him: 37yo, never had a long term relationship... ever. Longest one was 5 months and he was 20yon (red flag). As a pilot, he attributes it to constantly moving from country to country and never being in the same place for a long time. He's in my city to stay now. Solid family, very conservative, very stable, loving parents. 

Me: 36yo, been married for only 2 weeks, divorced when I discovered my cheating XH was playing with prostitutes. I'm over it and was discharged from counseling last year and told I'm fine, fully functional, healthy, and there's no need to come back. I've been happy since then. I am highly educated and am very proud at what I have accomplished thus far in my life (I worked really hard!). I have a solid family as well, we are all professionals. 

US: we went to the same high school. I've know him forever. He's had a crush on me for 20 years. I can vouch for his stable background. 

Dating 7 months, first 5 months were bliss. 
Met each other's families, I am the first woman he has ever brought home to his family, much less to major holiday events with his family. We met each other's extended family, he sent pictures of us to his family members with his Christmas cards, etc. 

In month 5, both of us changed jobs, I changed my entire career. Very stressful time. We began fighting a lot. 
Mutual break up for 3 weeks in March when we were both at extremely high stress levels. We were both at the point where we didn't know what else to do. 

I approached him and tried to explain that we would have to learn to work through problems together if this was to be a long term relationship (he doesn't know anything about long terms. I've had to teach him a lot.). We agreed on two ground rules: 1) no unilateral decisions (we make major relationship decisions together), and 2) if one person gets frustrated, he/she asks for a "time out" and we return at a later time. 

We get back together and have 3 great weeks of solid fun (hiking, dinners, fundraisers, wine tastings, etc.). I go to dinner with his family on Sunday, on Thursday we have a great time at dinner, and on the walk back to the car, I ask him why he's been holding back. He said he was still mad about the fight from last month. I said he has to try to let it go and move on - the past is the past. He said he will do it on his own time. 

We argued for 3 minutes in the parking lot and he screamed, "I can't do this anymore!". I simply said "OK" and nothing more. He drove me home in silence and I said "thanks for dinner. Good luck." and I got out. That was it. 

The next day, he put up all his online dating profiles with the photos that I took of him on our trip and his tag line is the line I preached to him "a relationship should compliment your life, not complicate it." 

I am very disappointed that he would cheapen our relationship with dating websites the very next day. I am disappointed he erased all our hard work to recover with one sentence. I am disappointed that he didn't follow our agreed rules. 

My Question: Why would he do that so abruptly after a great 3 weeks, and a few days after inviting me to dinner with his family (whom he completely cherishes)? This is a learning experience for me, so any insight would be appreciated.  Thanks!


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

He's a jerk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Why? Because it can take years to unlearn the bad habits developed over decades, and he hasn't the past experiences to help him cope. He may never find a lasting stable relationship because he has no basis to build upon.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds as though he is not ready on his own to cope with a long term relationship, and you are trying to teach him about how to be in one the way one teaches a dog to roll over and shake hands. 

People need to come to what they desire in life on their own.

When you give someone something even though you mean to be generous, when it's something valuable, they can end up hating you for them needing to be on the receiving end. 

He did you a favor. And your reaction is admirable. 
What he did online reflects badly on him. Not you.
Sounds like he is still in high school.
You can take whatever memories you want from the relationship. It was a good experience for you while it lasted, and then you discovered some kind of unpleasant truth about him. Maybe you are more tolerant of the other ladies in his past, maybe he didn't tell you the whole truth about why he never had a long term relationship. It's possible he has some kind of personality problem that doesn't matter to others since he keeps hopping around like that from place to place. 

I'd suggest blocking his profile on the dating site. 
So you don't have to see when he is active or what he says.

Since you are healthy you can just move on when you're ready.
This was just an oops. It happens. Sometimes there are people who only want to see if they can get someone to commit lock stock and barrel and even make big lifestyle changes to be in a relationship, and then drop them, in order to be cruel. The argument may have just been a trial...and the visit with his family, upping the pleasure for him of crushing you. I've seen in happen. Freaking sociopaths and misogynists.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I believe that he runs at the first hint of danger and it has been very difficult to teach him to work through problems as a couple (red flag). But I also believe that he gave me much more than he gave anyone else. He brought be into his family and his life. Do you think he feels he tried hard to make it work? 

My perspective (after a divorce) is that a minor fight like this... it's cake. There are much bigger fish to fry. You have a fight, you make up, you move on. But you can only move on if both parties try. Right? Why do men harbor such ill emotions from a fight that was a month ago? Am I missing something? 

I have certainly learned not to date inexperienced people by this!


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Hey you guys are awesome. Thanks.  

I am not on dating websites (a friend of mine told me he was back on it the next day). He also reactivated his Facebook page the next day. I did not delete my FB page, nor did I block him. But I will not look at FB because I don't want to see him posting pictures of himself with women. I actually took the app off my phone. I told all my friends not to tell me if they see him out. The less I know, the better and faster I can let go. 

Homemaker, Thank you. You've made excellent points there. It sounds like he is not ready to get into the type of relationship i'm looking for. I guess that explains why he's been single his entire adult life, huh???


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

His history is the best indicator of the future.

Not sure why you even bothered


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

DoF, Meh... I've known him for a long time and thought he was a good stable guy. Didn't know just HOW inexperienced he was until I got involved. Oh well. It happens, right?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Love2326 said:


> Hey you guys are awesome. Thanks.
> 
> I am not on dating websites (a friend of mine told me he was back on it the next day). He also reactivated his Facebook page the next day. I did not delete my FB page, nor did I block him. But I will not look at FB because I don't want to see him posting pictures of himself with women. I actually took the app off my phone. I told all my friends not to tell me if they see him out. The less I know, the better and faster I can let go.
> 
> Homemaker, Thank you. You've made excellent points there. It sounds like he is not ready to get into the type of relationship i'm looking for. I guess that explains why he's been single his entire adult life, huh???


Don't waste any time psychoanalyzing what is holding him back in life, and also don't make the assumption that he truly desires a long term relationship despite what he told you, his actions speak louder. You worry about you. He didn't have what it took to have a relationship with you. That's all you need to know. 

People who travel for work can have long term relationships if they really desire them. I wouldn't cut someone slack for 20 years of short term relationships just because they moved around a lot. Particularly a pilot, who can always be near an airport and could probably afford or get companion tickets easily to bring their partner to them even if they couldn't be near their partner. Plus there is Skype, email, telephones, vacations, etc. It sounds like a nice excuse, some kind of job like that.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Love2326 said:


> I am not on dating websites (a friend of mine told me he was back on it the next day).


Hopefully you will feel like dating again soon.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Hopefully you will feel like dating again soon.


I'll date again for sure. But this next one will have to pass a serious screening process! I'm in no rush. But I'm not the type who does the online dating thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> DoF, Meh... I've known him for a long time and thought he was a good stable guy. Didn't know just HOW inexperienced he was until I got involved. Oh well. It happens, right?


From a relationship perspective he was neither good or stable. And from your perspective, that's probably ALL that matter unless you are looking for some play time (which is fine too).



You had all the writing on the wall, yet you ignored it. Learn from it!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Why? Because it can take years to unlearn the bad habits developed over decades, and he hasn't the past experiences to help him cope. He may never find a lasting stable relationship because he has no basis to build upon.


MBH pretty much knocked it out of the park w/ this one. With zero LTR's under his belt, it seems like SO/xSO pretty much just doesn't know how to deal w/ the conflict that will inevitably rear it's head in these types of relationships.

That, or, as HNU stated above, he just doesn't want to be in an LTR.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> MBH pretty much knocked it out of the park w/ this one. With zero LTR's under his belt, it seems like SO/xSO pretty much just doesn't know how to deal w/ the conflict that will inevitably rear it's head in these types of relationships.
> 
> That, or, as HNU stated above, he just doesn't want to be in an LTR.


Yeah I figured that much out already. I tried to teach him how to be in a LTR but I really shouldn't have to TEACH someone that stuff. He hates losing control. Nothing bad has ever happened to him before (like a death or a divorce). So he has no idea what it's like to lose control. When he sees it coming, he runs. It's sad. I made some errors too but everyone does. I don't think mine were major in the grand scheme of things. Oh well. Time to move on, right? Right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> Yeah I figured that much out already. I tried to teach him how to be in a LTR but I really shouldn't have to TEACH someone that stuff. He hates losing control. *Nothing bad has ever happened to him before (like a death or a divorce).* So he has no idea what it's like to lose control. When he sees it coming, he runs. It's sad. I made some errors too but everyone does. I don't think mine were major in the grand scheme of things. Oh well. Time to move on, right? Right!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? He's 37 and hasn't had a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin -- anybody -- pass away?


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Really? He's 37 and hasn't had a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin -- anybody -- pass away?


I know right? His grandmother is 102. His grandfather died he he was young. The other ones live far away. He's never been through a bad breakup because he's never had a LTR. Parents are still alive and kicking. He's had relatives pass away but not anyone really close to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I guess I may have a bit of a different take on this story, first I say "bad on you" to the OP by trying to "teach" him how a relationship works. As soon as you start treating someone as a subordinate you change the relationship dynamics, it doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, as a 37 year old man he doesn't want to be bossed around. 

Then after things fall apart you decide to educate him again on how to deal with problems and convince him to try again. Surprise surprise...same results, you take the control, you tell him how things are going to be, how they should be..... and he bolts. 

Dating is an experiment to see if two people have common philosophies and chemistry, it's not about trying to change the other person into who or what you want. As soon as you realized this guy was "emotionally unavailable" you should have just said sorry, we're not a good match, best wishes to you.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Cooper said:


> I guess I may have a bit of a different take on this story, first I say "bad on you" to the OP by trying to "teach" him how a relationship works. As soon as you start treating someone as a subordinate you change the relationship dynamics, it doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, as a 37 year old man he doesn't want to be bossed around.
> 
> Then after things fall apart you decide to educate him again on how to deal with problems and convince him to try again. Surprise surprise...same results, you take the control, you tell him how things are going to be, how they should be..... and he bolts.
> 
> Dating is an experiment to see if two people have common philosophies and chemistry, it's not about trying to change the other person into who or what you want. As soon as you realized this guy was "emotionally unavailable" you should have just said sorry, we're not a good match, best wishes to you.


Cooper, thanks for your thoughts. Deep down I know you're right. I tried because I've known him for a long time and I knew he was a good person underneath. But there was a reason he has been single all this time. And now I know why. At the beginning, I even had to teach him not to nitpick on stupid stuff (like how I hold my fork). I had to tell him he needed to pick and choose his battles. Isn't that basic relationship knowledge?? I wanted it to work because my family loved him. He was more into it at first. I was more cautious. Then I got involved and he checked out. I just don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How were you teaching him these things? Did it ever come across as condescending? I think it would just end up a very uncomfortable situation when 1 person is always teaching the other. Was there anything you were learning and working on too? Knowing how to be in other LTR doesn't mean you know everything about your current one, there's room for both to teach each other and both learn about how to be together even if one has more experience.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Love 2326 just because he doesn't behave the way you want doesn't make him a bad person, just because he didn't fall madly in love with you doesn't make him emotionally unavailable, you said he cherishes his family, so he does know how to love and keep long term relationships. 

Why is he still single at 37? Who knows, maybe he is a jerk or maybe he's smart enough to realize if things aren't right why continue. My guess is that's why he ended things so abruptly with you the second time around. He had already decided the relationship was finished, you talked him into giving it another shot and right away you went back to trying to mold him. He was probably ticked off at himself more than you for letting himself get talked back into the relationship. He was done and disconnected the first time you broke up, that's why it was so easy for hime to jump right back onto a dating site after the second break up, maybe it wasn't very considerate of your feelings but he had already moved on.

Bottom line is people are very different most times from what we think, even someone you have known for years. What makes or breaks a relationship is day to day life, and until you are with someone daily you really don't know what they're like. He didn't meet your needs, that doesn't make him damaged or a terrible person (but he could be, I certainly don't know). Sorry it didn't work out but you asked for a mans opinion and this mans opinion is count yourself fortunate he didn't try to change to make you happy. Those kinds of fixes are usually temporary and once the honeymoon is over the real self comes back.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Slowly, I didn't like having to "teach". I tried very hard not to be condescending. I explained that I'd like us to work together to figure problems out as a team, instead of him saying "this isn't going to work." When we would have a very VERY small disagreement, he would freak out. I explained, we had a fight, let's make a deal to both learn from it, and pick up and move on. Seriously, this guy didn't know wtf he was doing if someone disagreed with what he said or did. He freaked out. Not good. 

Cooper, let me clarify: he is not a bad person. The reason we broke up in the first place was over his desire to take our nonexistent children to a naturopath. It was ridiculous. One conversation about t and he called it quits. Then I told him it's hard for me to plan that many specific healthcare details over nonexistent children in a nonexistent marriage but I would consider it if it meant that much to him. So we got back together. I worked hard over the next few weeks and it was great. Then boom. I like that he cherishes his family (it drew me to him). In mid-January, he did an international flight and came home. Things were going GREAT at that point. He came back and he said something changed for him when he was away. He freaked out and he felt withdrawn all of a sudden and he didn't know why. We talked about it, but he couldn't figure out why he felt disconnected. He thought he got too close and needed time to himself. I gave it to him. 

I agree with what you're saying. He had one foot out the door. But that kept him from actually getting back into it the first time. He should have just said no - which was not fair to me. By all means, I wasn't trying to change who he was. That is not possible. I was trying to show him that effort is needed in any LTR from both parties. He didn't want to move on any issue (it was his way or the highway most of the time). I bent on a lot of things and didn't like it when he refused to move at all. But I also believe that if you can't let go of the past, you'll never move forward. So I tried to let go of the past and move forward. He couldn't.

What was confusing is that we had 3 great weeks together after we got back together. No fights, back to normal, supportive of each other's jobs, seeing each other's family... the night we broke up, we had a great time, dinner, wine tasting... it was only a 3 min fight in the parking lot and he became exasperated and quit. The fight was more like a conversation where I had asked him to relax and enjoy our time together. I don't get it. It was such a minor fight when we were on the road recovery. That's the part i'm trying to understand...so I can learn from this one.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

To be honest, he sounds a bit weird.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> To be honest, he sounds a bit weird.


LOL. :rofl: Thanks. I kinda thought so too. Not sure why i'm kind of bumming but I guess its natural.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Love2326 said:


> Slowly, I didn't like having to "teach". I tried very hard not to be condescending. I explained that I'd like us to work together to figure problems out as a team, instead of him saying "this isn't going to work." When we would have a very VERY small disagreement, he would freak out. I explained, we had a fight, let's make a deal to both learn from it, and pick up and move on. Seriously, this guy didn't know wtf he was doing if someone disagreed with what he said or did. He freaked out. Not good.


You did not like ‘having to “teach”’ him. Few people would put with someone doing this. It’s not your place to teach him anything. He’s a grown man. If he wants to be as he is and be single for the rest of his life it’s ok.

You say that he’s basically a good person. But you tried to mold him into someone you wanted him to be. This should be a good lesson for you. It’s an important one to learn now that you are out there dating again. Either accept a person exactly as they are more move on. Most adults do not change. And most men do not want a mommy figure who is trying to re-train them into being who she wants them to be. (Most women would not put up with this from a man either.)

He might be a bit weird. But it’s his right to be a bit, or a lot weird.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

EleGirl, Yeah I know. It was not my place to "train". Perhaps it came across different from what I really meant. I didn't want to train him, but I tried to show him what a loving relationship would be like and what commitment was. I committed. What was a minor argument to me was like an explosion to him. I've been through hell and back (you remember my original post right?) and he's never even had anything that comes close to a committed relationship. 

This was my mistake, I accept that and I will learn from it. I guess what I'm looking for is some kind of understanding as to why a man would bail when things were looking up. It's a very sudden change of mood and it makes no logical sense to me. I don't want him back -its not the kind of relationship I'm looking for anyway. I just want to learn from it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, the answers are in his head. And even he may not understand why he has relationship problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Love2326 said:


> EleGirl, Yeah I know. It was not my place to "train". Perhaps it came across different from what I really meant. I didn't want to train him, but I tried to show him what a loving relationship would be like and what commitment was. I committed. What was a minor argument to me was like an explosion to him. I've been through hell and back (you remember my original post right?) and he's never even had anything that comes close to a committed relationship.


He is in a very different place than you are.



Love2326 said:


> This was my mistake, I accept that and I will learn from it. I guess what I'm looking for is some kind of understanding as to why a man would bail when things were looking up. It's a very sudden change of mood and it makes no logical sense to me. I don't want him back -its not the kind of relationship I'm looking for anyway. I just want to learn from it.


I can only guess.. but my guess is that to him things were not looking up. He's not a person who wants to put any kind of work at all into a relationship. He can find women who will date him on a more casual basis. He can move easily from one relationship to another. That's how his emotional makeup works. (it's a guess ok?)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Love2326 said:


> My Question: Why would he do that so abruptly after a great 3 weeks, and a few days after inviting me to dinner with his family (whom he completely cherishes)?


Because 1. hes' just not that into you and 2. he's all over the place.

My advice: Let him go. 

The fact that he was on a dating website the VERY next day and using something you aid as a tagline shows that he is very immature and not someone you should want to be with.

I tend to think that at his age, prior to you, his longest relationship lasting 5 months is a red flag.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> He's not a person who wants to put any kind of work at all into a relationship. He can find women who will date him on a more casual basis. He can move easily from one relationship to another.


Which would explain all his short relationships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> He did you a favor. And your reaction is admirable.


:iagree:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Inexperience. Immature. Bull-headedness.

Normally experience all this early on (20's) in relationships. For many guys, maturity and experience sets in late - often after damage is done. 

None of this precludes him from being a good person (i.e. not saying he is a bad person) - just a lot of learning and living to do to catch up.

Also generally women tend to be much more mature early on.

He needs to learn at his own pace. Not much you can do about that unfortunately. The only thing you can do is put up with his tantrums while reminding him that in time he is going to have to mature at some stage. Doesn't always work.

I was very inexperienced when I was young but had to mature very fast after my father died (I was still in uni). My wife was a lot more mature.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

In my opinion, out of a majority of men, there are 2 types: (1) the relationship type and (2) the independent type.

For the longest time, I was the latter. I was single--meeting women at bars--online--random places.. you name it. All the time while most of my buddies were in relationships and the minute they broke up with a girl, they were with another within a few months. 

When I started dating my girl, she was the relationship type and I was not. It was actually very scary at first. I could no longer flirt with other women.. it was like my identity was gone. I was able to cope until the 7-10 month terms settled in.. meeting the parents.. talking about a future, I love yous, etc. I almost snapped and then I eventually did because some people just cannot make it long term, it is almost like you are just not wired that way. However, after going a day or two, without talking to her, I became depressed so that mini break up was exactly what I needed to tell me that she was the one.

Plus, he is most likely stubborn and you just really haven't seen that side of him yet until now. A lot of spouses/partners can put up with 'little' things but a lot of people just do not want to deal with it. Those 'little' things are deal breakers for them and that is one of the reasons that are single at such an age.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Man, Thanks. The more I think about it and reflect, the more I think his lack of experience just didn't teach him how to work through problems. What I thought were minor bumps in the road were earthquakes to him. I've been through a hell of a lot worse than he has, which is probably I thought I could work through them. 

I am letting him go and moving on with my life. That's the only choice I have at this point. If someone doesn't want to be with me, that's his loss, not mine. I've never had much of a problem finding a date (I got asked out twice last week which made me feel a little better  ), but I think its best for me to focus on myself for a bit. At some point, the pain will subside and I won't think about this as much. 

Wise, I can definitely tell he is the "independent" type. He complained about the need to get his sleep (as in, he didn't like me moving around), he frequently does things alone (movies, walks, exercise, etc.). He said he couldn't do "this" anymore and I let him go. I didn't beg or plead (the second time around). It's been 1.5 weeks now and I have let him go. I think he is still in the stage you used to be in. This is great insight though.. thank you.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Yes, exactly. When my girl and I hit the 7-8 month mark, I started to show my true colors. It was easy sailing for the first couple months but when she started to latch onto me, I did not like that. 

I was so use to sleeping alone if I wasn't with a girl and I *liked* it that way. It was so easy.. if the girl annoyed you or what not or you couldn't sleep.. it was simple because you could just find her way out. You lose that entitlement when it comes to sleeping with an actual partner. With my girl, she wants to cuddle to sleep and I was a pain to deal with because I did not want to be touched when I went to sleep because I get hot easily. So I would snap and go in another room. And like him, I liked having my own time to exercise and what not. My girl would hold me up and I would end up not even getting my routine or whatever done.

However, I coped and I changed. How? I have no effin clue but I did and now nothing really bothers me anymore. Being away from the girl bothers me more than anything now. 

Put it this way, in the past, when I would walk away from a girl..I could put her behind me within hours. It looks like this is what he did. He is the independent type and he really has no conscious when it comes to making someone happy long term. Just be glad you didn't invest more time with this guy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> Man, Thanks. The more I think about it and reflect, the more I think his lack of experience just didn't teach him how to work through problems. What I thought were minor bumps in the road were earthquakes to him. I've been through a hell of a lot worse than he has, which is probably I thought I could work through them.
> 
> I am letting him go and moving on with my life. That's the only choice I have at this point. If someone doesn't want to be with me, that's his loss, not mine. I've never had much of a problem finding a date (I got asked out twice last week which made me feel a little better  ), but I think its best for me to focus on myself for a bit. At some point, the pain will subside and I won't think about this as much.
> 
> Wise, I can definitely tell he is the "independent" type. He complained about the need to get his sleep (as in, he didn't like me moving around), he frequently does things alone (movies, walks, exercise, etc.). He said he couldn't do "this" anymore and I let him go. I didn't beg or plead (the second time around). It's been 1.5 weeks now and I have let him go. I think he is still in the stage you used to be in. This is great insight though.. thank you.


All of this = very smart. Good job OP and good luck


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

wise said:


> Yes, exactly. When my girl and I hit the 7-8 month mark, I started to show my true colors. It was easy sailing for the first couple months but when she started to latch onto me, I did not like that.
> 
> I was so use to sleeping alone if I wasn't with a girl and I *liked* it that way. It was so easy.. if the girl annoyed you or what not or you couldn't sleep.. it was simple because you could just find her way out. You lose that entitlement when it comes to sleeping with an actual partner. With my girl, she wants to cuddle to sleep and I was a pain to deal with because I did not want to be touched when I went to sleep because I get hot easily. So I would snap and go in another room. And like him, I liked having my own time to exercise and what not. My girl would hold me up and I would end up not even getting my routine or whatever done.
> 
> ...


Wise, yeah this guy sounds exactly like how you used to be. He doesn't like sleeping in the same bed with someone else because he says he doesn't get good sleep. It kinda hurt. He likes to workout in his own. He like to do everything in his own. Unlike you, he couldn't change. I tried to tell him loving someone and being committed is a choice you make. I chose to commit and work through problems. But I can't do it on my own. He has a lot of learning to do but like everyone here says, I am not his teacher. I don't want to be either. Even if he came back (and I'm prepared if he does), I won't take him back. His loss. 

He can live his independent life and that's ok. It's just not for me.  I think I got head screwed on straight, right?? I feel like I'm getting better at this whole dating thing!

DoF, thanks for your encouragement. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I know you're done with him, so it's a moot point.

BUT!!!!!

He's going to have to learn sooner or later. Relationships are hard work. You've got to take a lickin and keep on tickin.
Hurtin each other. Misunderstanding each other. Getting upset.
It's all part of the deal.

I was a bachelor for 25 years before I first got married, but it was me who had to patch things up and smooth over things with my first LT gf after emerging from the single life. I learned fast.

He'd better too or he's going to grow old...............ALONE!


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> I know you're done with him, so it's a moot point.
> 
> BUT!!!!!
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree, he'll have to learn at some point, but I don't have to be the teacher, right? It would have been nice if he had learned before me, but I feel like that's the universe telling me that he's not the one for me and vice versa (sounds corny, I know). 

I look at the way he lives and it solidifies his lack of ability to include others. Just as an example: his apartment is designed for only one person: him. It's a total bachelor place (and I don't mean it's nice). One parking stall (so I rarely stayed over there), no space for anyone else, no room to entertain (and the guy has money to buy a bigger place)... I bought a condo designed for more than one person because I wanted to plan for it. It's in a secure building for kids, two stalls, 3bdrm, etc. His long term planning was just for him. 

Part of me wishes it could have been different. If he had been one who was willing to work through problems, I would have tried. I told him I was committed and to me, that meant trying everything to make it work. He couldn't commit. Breaking up is always a disappointment, but you look at your options. If I had stayed with him, we would have eventually had an even larger fight, and it would have blown up even more. From what everyone is saying, it only validates my thoughts: he's an independent guy. He'll have a hard time committing to anyone.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

If anyone remembers, I let this guy go 2.5 months ago- clean break. I cut him off of all social media, no phone calls, texts, or emails. I didn't belittle him to mutual friends, i kept my head high and tried to move on. 

Guess what? He came back. haha. I knew he'd regret his decision. Last week, he sent me a birthday card in the mail. I didn't respond. Last night, I just got the longest email EVER... about how much he's realized about himself, how he never felt so empty, how he's never let someone into his life that much, etc. I must say, it seemed genuine. It was diarrhea of the mouth. He wants to talk about "us". 

HOWEVER! I have moved on. There is no "us". Same old story, same old crap. He'll run when the going gets tough again. He's not where I am in terms of relationships. I am not a revolving door! I'm not even going to respond to his email. 

I just find it funny that he wants what he can't have now. Sigh.. this dating game is ridiculous.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> Last night, I just got the longest email EVER... about how much he's realized about himself, how he never felt so empty, how he's never let someone into his life that much, etc


Translation: "dating after we broke up has gone horrible for me....wanna get back together?"


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Love, I read your thread, and believe you are doing the right thing by not reengaging wth him.

You said that he was nitpicking about how you ate, or how you used your fork when you dated him. That's not something that someone does when they are in the first stages of dating....most people are so into the person they ignore little things that later will bother them.

Wise explained very well that I was thinking: that he wasn't that into you. He was just using you for fun, and really wasn't looking for anything long term.

I also noticed on your post that you used the words "teach" then "train" then "show" with regard to him, each time in an effort to soften the wording. What you were really doing was trying to "change" him. You can't change someone. Life changes them, they change themselves.

You are doing right not going back with him. Even if he has had an awakening that he has been missing out on something by not committing to someone, he still has no idea about what it takes to have a long term relationship. Don't take on the burden of being the teacher again. You will most likely end up in the same place as before. He has lived his single life a loooooong time. He will not learn how to be committed quickly or easily.

Keep looking for the king fish in the sea!!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Love, I forgot to say that I really admire your sense of self! You did not get all wrapped up in him, and once you saw the writing on the wall you got out and took care of yourself.:toast:


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Love2326 said:


> *Why do men harbor such ill emotions from a fight that was a month ago?* Am I missing something?


Yes, you are missing something.

Your statement (bolded above) is generalizing ALL men into harboring ill feelings from long-ago fights. ALL men do not do that... but immature jerks with no relationship experience might.

Time to toss this one back. Move on. It sounds like that's exactly what you're doing -- kudos to you


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks everyone. It's taken me forever to get here after all my failed relationships but I'm glad I'm here. I think! There's something about self-worth that changes everything.


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