# Need A Soft Place To Fall



## SoOverWhelmed (Dec 7, 2007)

Hello everyone, I really could use a soft place to fall today becuase I am so overwhelmed. 

I welcome anyone's comments, but would really like to hear a male's perspective. This is the second time that I have been separated from my husband (6wks). The first time it was 6 months from Jan. to June of this year (07). This marriage has caused me to question everything that I thought I knew about myself and believed in.

We have only been married for 2 years and it has been hell for me almost the entire time. Soon after we married, I discovered that he had been talking to is ex-girl friend during our courtship and emailing other women. Of course, he had all of his reasons why it was my fault. He also wanted to go to counseling, but I had a serious problem with this because he has the problem with infidelity, lying and putting others first not me. (I did go, but the counselor was horrible and said that we have a communication problem.) No, we have a problem with a lying spouse who blames everything on the other one. During our marriage, he has accused me of having affairs and so on, but I have always been a virtuous wife, faithful to him, loving, supportive of his career, spending a lot of time with his children and helping them to become closer, communicating very often with his ex-wife and so on. But he is so ungrateful.

He acts very irresponsibly by spending money on gadgets, clothing and going out to eat with me and friends...as if we have any to spend. He stays out late and blames it on his musical life style and the fact that he doesn't know any better and that he is learning how to treat me. (He was married before for 12 yrs and they have 5 kids). We don't have any insurance, house or really decent cars. He makes almost all decisions without me, strong arms the conversations so that I can't get a word in edge wise, has us broke because he doesn't want me to handle to budget. He gets calls from women really late and he has promised me that he would handle those calls the way that I have asked him to (Picking up the phone and saying, "Please don't call me this late because I am with my wife and we are in the bed; whatever it is can wait until morning.") He chose to put their feelings ahead of mine and said that he doesn't want to lose his working relationship with them by being rude. I am soooo tired of being put last and disrespected. Oh, and I forgot to mention that he travels about 70% of the time. He argues all of the time, is feelings get hurt easily and has a reason for everything he does (it's all my fault).

I tried to make it work for a little over a year and then I left for 6 months. Needless to say, the cycle continued shortly after I got back, and now I am gone again. *Will he ever change?*


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Will he ever change?!? NO.

You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. Until he grows up he will never be what you need let alone want in a husband.

His travel and phone calls raise red flags as if he is cheating. More so that he controls the money so you don't know what is going on. I bet he is paying quite a bit for child support right now draining the two of you. 

He is verbally abusive and will manipulate you to control you. This is a tactic people use over long periods of time.

I would say leave unless he TOTALLY cleans up his act.

draconis


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## SoOverWhelmed (Dec 7, 2007)

Draconis, 

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this because I have been 90% sure that I need to leave. I am just a little embarrased and need to get a job. My self-esteem has been shot, so I haven't worked for most of the marriage (But, I have contributed lots of money and he blew it) Even though I have a B.A. in Communications and a Real Estate license, I am having a hard time believing in myself again. Do you have any advice about this aspect? Thank you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is common with verbal abuse to lose self esteem. I can give you no special key to unlocking the person that you really are but you have already taken that step and realize what you had.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/360-verbal-abuse-thesis.html

Once you are removed from the situation you may once again unlock those qualities. You are strong enough to see it yourself. Look in the mirror and think about just how strong you were before him. After you are done grieving chances are you will be there again.

draconis


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