# From selfish sex to no sex (and issues of attraction)



## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

I've posted before about my marital issues. Unfortunately little, if anything has changed. We are still in counseling 1x per month. We are as distant emotionally as we have ever been. 

Sex is complicated. Does he want sex? It seems so, since he complained of not getting it often enough the last time we went to the MC. So the MC asked both of us why we thought this happened. He stated that he thought it was all a result of my stress level. I told the MC that my enjoyment wasn’t being considered and I was tired of being left frustrated after he got his. She told me to start some physical activity to reduce my stress level and told him that he has to consider my pleasure too. He doesn’t initiate at all and I when I do, I still end up frustrated. 

I have a decent drive. I could easily have sex every day. I WANT SEX... just not with him anymore. Not with anyone else either. I'm not looking for any kind of affair, I just fantasize a lot. Emotionally, the connection isn't there. I knew that would be an issue for me, but I've also been progressively getting less and less attracted to him physically. This worries me.

Recently he has gained some weight. We’re both big people and I’m ok with that, but his pectoral area has enlarged considerably. I'm afraid to say anything because he is terribly sensitive about it (his sister told me that after we married). He had some fat on his pecs when we got married, but now they're pretty sizable and they've started to swing. The last time we had sex, they were swinging in my face. Not that I was enjoying the sex much anyway, but that was a libido-killer for me. 

I don't know how to address this or adjust to it. Can I do either of those things? How? Like I said, we are both heavy and I guess I feel like since he was big when I married him, I shouldn’t ask for him to change anything. I am making lifestyle changes for myself though. I’ve invited him to the gym with me (remember the MC told me to exercise?), but he refuses. I've lost about 35lbs. I’m also afraid that if I keep inviting him to the gym, or bring up my specific concern that he will feel like I only want him to lose weight because I have. If he stayed large, but did something about the swinging, I’d be satisfied, but I feel like I can’t ask for that, especially with his sensitivity about it. 

It just seems like we’ve hit this critical stage where we don’t like one another as people and we aren’t having any kind of intimacy. The MC also told him to listen to my request for intimacy. So now we’re supposed to take some time to reconnect next month, but part of me thinks it will be too little too late. Ugh... I'm frustrated.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Oh dear. I know kind of where you are coming from as I no longer find my husband physically attractive. At all.

If you don't want the chest flapping in your face but are prepared to keep working at the sex, how about positions such as you on top or doggy? The latter means you don't have to see him at all.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

MrsMagnus said:


> I could easily have sex every day. I WANT SEX... just not with him anymore. Not with anyone else either.



As a husband to a LD wife, please explain this to me. This is such a contradictory statement. Its like saying i'm hungry, i want to eat....just not food...any kind of food...

How can you want sex but not want sex with anyone? Or does my male mind not allow me to understand the intricacies of the female brain?


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls, me on top is a little more difficult since his tummy kind of pushes back more now, but I think it's doable. I do think I'd favor doggy due to the advantage of not having the visual (not that it matters now that we aren't doing it). I think I'm overall missing the intimacy that used to be there. 

hawx20, I'll try to clarify. You are right, it's not that I don't want sex with _anyone_, just not anyone in particular. I'm sure I could find someone to handle the desire, but I don't want to funnel my desire away from my marriage, so I don't want to shift my gaze and find someone else. You aren't too far off with your assessment. I want food, but I want what I originally ordered and I'm being offered a messy plate with half of the serving missing. I'm not satisfied with that, but if it can be fixed, I feel like I should try. So I refrain from heading to the buffet. Does that make more sense?

Bottom line, I want an emotional connection and physical attraction. Those are things I used have with my husband. If I want them back, I have to wrestle with the problems in the relationship (which I am apparently doing alone) and handle the moob thing somehow. I'm trying to do the work, I'm just sure how to approach anything at this point. This is so freakin' unstable. I know it could be a losing battle, and I could have to dissolve the marriage and move on anyway.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

hawx20 said:


> As a husband to a LD wife, please explain this to me. This is such a contradictory statement. Its like saying i'm hungry, i want to eat....just not food...any kind of food...
> 
> How can you want sex but not want sex with anyone? Or does my male mind not allow me to understand the intricacies of the female brain?


I know this feeling all too well, not being attracted to my husband. I want sex, boy do I want it, but not with him. A mixture of not being attracted to him, knowing that he is really not good in bed anyway and the relationship having got to the stage that it would feel like doing it with a brother.

It sounds like the OP has not got to that stage yet, but I think there is a danger of that happening and if she doesn't want to get there then the issues have to be addressed somehow.

I like what the OP said about the food analogy.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> As a husband to a LD wife, please explain this to me. This is such a contradictory statement. Its like saying i'm hungry, i want to eat....just not food...any kind of food...
> 
> How can you want sex but not want sex with anyone? Or does my male mind not allow me to understand the intricacies of the female brain?


If its any consolation I'm a female and I cant wrap my brain around that statement either!


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## FireBug (Sep 15, 2012)

It's really not gender-specific. I'm female, but an individual and I'm not always as clear as I want to be (or as others want me to be), especially when this is the first time I've put some of these thoughts into words. So, I will clarify when others have questions. I understand that my original statement is contradictory. Honestly that's where at least some of the struggle comes from. I don't want to want someone else yet, and the feeling of not being attracted to my husband is still relatively new. I didn't prepare myself to fail at this before our first anniversary. I have desire, but it seems like the best option is to ignore it. I'm beginning to realize the toll that detachment is taking, but I don't want to have an affair.


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## dancingkitteh (Jul 20, 2013)

I dont think the weight is much of an issue. Work on feeling that one-ness again. ALl this wont matter!


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