# Better for both or mission impossible?



## HappilyMarriedGuy (Nov 16, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10+. We both still love each other so very much. We're in our mid-to-late 40's and both work. 

I've tried several times to talk to my wife about our sex life but I'm never too sure how to approach it and I rarely get the point across effectively.

I myself, did plenty of research and I think I made sex a lot better for her and she agrees. Sure, sex is certainly better than it was yet I feel its mostly all about her. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for my wife if she asked, because I love her that much - however, she never asks me to do anything and her boundaries are very restrictive. Yes my physical needs are met (it's not too difficult being a man ha ha) but I'm left wanting more emotionally.

This may sound a little selfish. I'm not even sure what I want. I just think it would be nice to have my clothes tore off me and be thrown to living room floor etc without ever making it to the bedroom; to be surprised on getting home from work by her opening the door wearing nothing but some nice lingerie; her actually doing something in bed she would usually say no to; telling me she's gone commando during a date night meal etc. I simply don't know - just something that shows she still craves me and still finds me attractive etc.

Catch 22 - If I tell her what I want then she hasn't done it through her own initiative. You wouldn't tell your partner to surprise you with breakfast in bed in the morning because it wouldn't be a surprise then would it?

Any suggestions or should I just be happy with what I have?

Thanks for reading.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

HappilyMarriedGuy said:


> Catch 22 - If I tell her what I want then she hasn't done it through her own initiative. You wouldn't tell your partner to surprise you with breakfast in bed in the morning because it wouldn't be a surprise then would it?


Unfortunately, this type of thinking is ultimately the same as saying "I wish she would read my mind so I don't have to be forthcoming about my needs". 

She cannot read your mind, nor will she. If you haven't made it clear to her what you want (and it sounds like you are not 100% clear on it yourself) then there is no way she's going to just spontaneously start doing what you want.

There is no guarantee she will do those things even if you do explicitly tell her, but it is guaranteed she WON'T if you NEVER tell her. 

I read and hear people say something similar to what you said, "I don't want to have to tell him/her what I want"...and it always leaves me :scratchhead:

I can say this: my husband is a sex god and one of the reasons he is one is that he can easily tell me what he wants, he gives excellent sexual instruction, and he make sure his own needs are met by me. He gives me all the tools I need in order to meet them, and then he expects me to meet them. And I'm happy to.

My point here is simply to show that it may be in some people's minds that they "shouldn't have to" state their needs outloud, but even a sex god knows he must be able to verbalize his needs. No one gets a free mind reader pass.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Unfortunately, this type of thinking is ultimately the same as saying "I wish she would read my mind so I don't have to be forthcoming about my needs".
> 
> She cannot read your mind, nor will she. If you haven't made it clear to her what you want (and it sounds like you are not 100% clear on it yourself) then there is no way she's going to just spontaneously start doing what you want.
> 
> ...



:iagree:


Also, there is something terribly sexy about being instructed on how to please.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes I even wrote a blog post about it:

I Married a Sex God: Sexual Instructions


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

A lot depends on the reason your wife doesn't already know these things.

If it's simply a case of naivete, never seen pornography, wouldn't know her way around a penis with a penlight and a jar of molasses, or you've never articulated what you mean and why you mean it, then perhaps she would appreciate some instruction, as the ladies have advised. 

However, as likely as not you are asking for something which is not intrinsic to her personality, so she may never become the partner you want. I've brought home a book or two on improving your sex life, but no amount of cajoling will get the wife to crack one and do some homework for the team. It's not in her nature, and perhaps it isn't in your wife's either. 

Either way, the best you can do is make your position as clear as possible, and hope for the best.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I know this is a strange suggestion, but in the throes of sex, tell her what you want. I was going at it one night with Mrs. Taylor and in the middle of it I told her that next time I was going to tie her to the bed when we make love.

About a week later we were headed towards the bedroom and she says " Are you bringing the rope?" I had forgotten all about what I said in the heat of the moment. I just hope the neighbors didn't see me running naked to the garage for the rope.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening happilymarriedguy
I think this may be fairly common. Some people just are a bit "inhibited" about sex, or at least less adventuresome. Maybe she doesn't know what you want, but even if she does, she may not be willing. My wife knows that there are a number of things that I would like that she just isn't willing to do. 

After asking a few times and being turned down, it gets embarrassing to ask again. Like you, I'm willing to do anything she wants - but she asks for very little.

I don't think there is much you can do.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

:iagree:

Our MC suggested (a couple of years ago) that we take it in turn instigating. When It was my wifes turn to instigate she never did because sex just isn't on her radar.

She has never given me oral....she knows how much I wanted her to (I use the past tense because its too late now) but she simply refused.
I wanted her to do the same to me as you want your wife to....wait at teh door dressed in virtually nothing and ravish you when you got home etc.

Never happened to me either....because sex just isn't on her radar.
So she will never do it off her own volition....its a bit like men having to be reminded to buy flowers!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

askari said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Our MC suggested (a couple of years ago) that we take it in turn instigating. When It was my wifes turn to instigate she never did because sex just isn't on her radar.
> 
> ...


This is more or less my continuing mission here - to make this fact more widely understood. That there are people out there who are wired this way. That they're not (necessarily) the victims of sexual abuse. That they're not uncaring or evil or mean or even broken.

And most importantly, that they do not change FTMP simply because you desire that they do. Sexuality is like IQ - you may be able to nudge it a point or two either direction, but your innate attitude on the subject is, like most personality traites, pretty much ingrained.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cletus said:


> This is more or less my continuing mission here - to make this fact more widely understood. That there are people out there who are wired this way. That they're not (necessarily) the victims of sexual abuse. That they're not uncaring or evil or mean or even broken.
> 
> And most importantly, that they do not change FTMP simply because you desire that they do. *Sexuality is like IQ - you may be able to nudge it a point or two either direction, but your innate attitude on the subject is, like most personality traites, pretty much ingrained*.


I agree with your main point--people are who they are for the most part, but the bolded part...I think some people CAN change to be either more sexual or less so. Not necessarily easily, and not everyone, but some. To make the IQ comparison, think "Flowers for Algernon", but with more humping.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

HappilyMarriedGuy said:


> My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10+. We both still love each other so very much. We're in our mid-to-late 40's and both work.
> 
> I've tried several times to talk to my wife about our sex life but I'm never too sure how to approach it and I rarely get the point across effectively.
> 
> ...


Do you ever get a chance to go away? Just the two of you?

The only time my wife does the types of things you mention above is when we are on a romantic vacation. At an all-inclusive resort in Mexico or in Hawaii, where we have tons of time together and no issues with house, meals, kids, etc.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If you have to stay at a $500 per night resort just to have your spouse show sexual desire for you, I'm gonna say it isn't real desire.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you have to stay at a $500 per night resort just to have your spouse show sexual desire for you, I'm gonna say it isn't real desire.


There is a word for it, and it don't start with 'd'.

Although I do understand the on vacation aspect, as long as her ardor isn't commensurate with the resort fee.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> If you have to stay at a $500 per night resort just to have your spouse show sexual desire for you, I'm gonna say it isn't real desire.


Some people need the escape. Get too caught up in day to day things. Some people let these things stress them out and the holiday helps them recharge their batteries (and relationship).

We try to go away once or twice each year. We always have a great time. Get reconnected and the closeness lasts a couple of months.

Not saying this is ideal, but it helps our relationship.


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Cletus said:


> A lot depends on the reason your wife doesn't already know these things.
> 
> If it's simply a case of naivete, never seen pornography, wouldn't know her way around a penis with a penlight and a jar of molasses, or you've never articulated what you mean and why you mean it, then perhaps she would appreciate some instruction, as the ladies have advised.
> 
> ...


I personal have given up on a well balanced sex life. Or wasting time trying to figure out my wife. So I had to laugh when I read your line "Its not in her Nature" Also Another one was "Not on her Radar". " Not in the Cards. If you understand the deepth of there terms you will be Blessed in life


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## HappilyMarriedGuy (Nov 16, 2014)

Well thank you for all your responses. Sorry it's taken so long to reply.

I think it's time for me to accept that there is no resolution to this. It is inevitable that some women are wired for a more upbeat sex life and some simply aren't and never have been, or ever will be.

I know she loves me and that should be enough - after all our relationship is a very affectionate caring one, even if it is me that generally makes it that way. 

A while ago, I read an interesting article on 5 LANGUAGES OF LOVE.

Once I understood, I asked my wife how she knows that I love her. Her response was "because you tell me". WOW! - If I had known this years ago I could have saved myself so much effort and money. I truly thought she knew I loved her because of all of the household chores I did and the little gifts/surprises etc I'd regularly give her. But NO, she admitted she couldn't care less how clean the house was, how nice the garden looked or whether I'd done the laundry and ironing etc. It really was whether I'd said "I love you" either in person or text message etc.

So we discussed the article on the 5 LANGUAGES OF LOVE and I explained that my language was 'touch'.

I couldn't care less whether she cooked my dinner, told me she loved me or bought me a gift. Sure it's nice but that's NOT how I know she loves me - I know how much she loves me when she holds my hand, kisses my cheek and bonks my brains out! LOL.

Things DEFINITELY improved for both of us. I won't deny that fact. It was absolutely the most resolving conversation I have ever had with my wife. 

But here's the thing.... 

1. Its become a little boring - there are only so many things you can do in bed when only one of you is prepared to research and the other doesn't want to try out the suggestions made.

2. I would feel more loved if she were more pro-active in initiating and inventive for my behalf and enjoyment. 

3. It would be nice to know my wife was absolutely gagging for it and couldn't wait for me to walk through the door or get the kids to bed early just because she was so horny and wanted me there and then!

Yeah Yeah Yeah. Laugh all you like 

Thanks for any responses again.


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## HappilyMarriedGuy (Nov 16, 2014)

Sorry for double-posting....

And there it was - after reading back what I'd just posted it suddenly became clear to me....

I want my wife to be horny! 

I've bought her toys - and she has NEVER used them on her own. I thought that was strange but it's true. She insists that she has never masturbated - which I assumed was a complete and utter lie out of embarrassment, but actually I'm beginning to wonder.... and she has NEVER read an erotic book ie 50 shades.

So I have to ask this question..... Does porn work for women. Is there anything I can do/suggest to teach her more or put suggestions in her head without being upfront with her?

Thanks


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

HappilyMarriedGuy said:


> Well thank you for all your responses. Sorry it's taken so long to reply.
> 
> I think it's time for me to accept that there is no resolution to this. It is inevitable that some women are wired for a more upbeat sex life and some simply aren't and never have been, or ever will be.
> 
> ...


not laughing.

what is there to laugh about? you dude, made a great discovery and that is how your wife feels. wow. that's not an easy thing to do.

do you know how many guys are out there that are now, at this very moment, banging their heads against the wall (some literally) trying to figure out what makes their wives tick?

you discovered the answer.

that said what to do about is is a brain wracker bigger than the discovery itself.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

HappilyMarriedGuy said:


> Sorry for double-posting....
> 
> And there it was - after reading back what I'd just posted it suddenly became clear to me....
> 
> ...


Son, if it's any consolation to understand that you're not alone...

You just described my wife. Does not use toys. Does not masturbate, and I believe her. I was there when "50 Shades" got thrown on the floor at the first description of oral sex.

While this may not be a common woman, you don't have the only one in existence.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Son, if it's any consolation to understand that you're not alone...
> 
> You just described my wife. Does not use toys. Does not masturbate, and I believe her. I was there when "50 Shades" got thrown on the floor at the first description of oral sex.
> 
> While this may not be a common woman, you don't have the only one in existence.


Truth


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

HappilyMarriedGuy said:


> Sorry for double-posting....
> 
> And there it was - after reading back what I'd just posted it suddenly became clear to me....
> 
> ...


Porn works for me. But unlike your wife I am usually horny. You would have to go carefully. There's a lot of very tasteful black and white soft porn images on sites like Tumblr. There's also a lot of very hardcore stuff on there, though.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

HappilyMarriedGuy said:


> Sorry for double-posting....
> 
> And there it was - after reading back what I'd just posted it suddenly became clear to me....
> 
> ...


In the bolded part, seems like you want this to come from her without much input from you. You want her to be like you and want it as much from you. Seems like she is ld and doesn't think about it much. You need to accept who she is without pushing for her to be different. You have had an improvement, don't mess things up by pushing for more.


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