# has anyone said,, I GIVE UP??



## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

I've posted here before and thought in February we had made improvements in our sex life. 
I guess I was wrong. Its been 3 months since we had any intimacy. Some of that was due to her having gastric sleeve surgery in April. So we couldn't do anything till she healed up.
But now here it is june and nothing. 2 nights ago we were cuddling and she made the comment that maybe the next night we could have some "time" together. Yet last night nothing again. Yet I know she masturbates, so I've come to the conclusion its me. 
As thought about it all night last night ( I went and slept in the other room) I keep asking what im doing wrong. I help out with all the chores, do activities with the kids, tell my wife I love her, but all I get out of her is " its not you its me" .
I guess what im asking is does it get any easier??? I've read the books,, and don't know what to try anymore. I love my kids to death but eventually this will effect them as well.
I know my wife loves me, she tells me every morning and every night. She also knows she has no desire, she has said she hope it comes back. She gets real upset when I try to talk to her about it. I'm getting to the point where im getting half ways depressed about it. 
We talk about counciling but she keeps saying that it will come back. Is there anyone that went to counciling by themselves??? and did it help??? I consider myself a strong willed individual who if I put my mind to something I can overcome anything!!!! 
Sorry ive rattled on I just needed to get it off my chest!!!!!


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## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

I may not be much help because i've had the same problems but I did go to counseling alone. The main question that was asked of me is "Did you try to instigate the romance?" I looked at the guy like he was insane so he explained. Ask her if her back hurts, because her shoulders look tight. then grab the lotion then start the massage. after about 20 minutes start making it funny and cute and sexy. then if you get rejected you can honestly say that you've made every feasible attempt. Atleast thats what the counselor advised me to do. I hope it helps


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## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

yea,, been there and done that,,,


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## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

I am defiantly in your shoes but after years of trying to fix things and doing all I can to fix it on my own..I brough up counseling and he has agree to do it. We have our first appointment this week and hope it does turn things around, I love my spouse more then words can say I really do and don't want to leave. But he knows if the counseling doesn't turn things around, I will give up and leave!. I have done counseling on my own a year or so back but didn't get me anywhere but feeling worse about the situation and clueless about what to do next. I thought it was me that was the problem that there was something I need to change...only to come to the realization that it's not me who needed to make changes its him. I wish you the best of luck, its not an easy situation to deal with..my heart goes out to you


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read neuklas's thread. Getting tired of trying or something like that. 

He is doing a soft 180 on his wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Gastric sleeve. Ok so this is something siginifcant. How overweight is she? Does she flat have a low self image /esteem? Does she have a healthy attitude about getting more fit? Or dare I ask, is this part of an exit plan? Just wondering what is going on here.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Most of it really means a narrow point of view, i.e. No Empathy. 

Today again wifey was railing on about work stress, new to the job, no time for anything, and all you think about is sex :rofl:

To be fair she did think of other things, such as, the exact type of Faberge eggs (Limoges original) that DD1 will need to procure from her Paris trip at 100 euro each . And the exact number of prayer beads (*) to be procured from the Vatican gift store next week (when DD1 spends her second half of the trip in Rome) to send to her family.

This was far more entertainment than HBO... Some empathy would have paid dividends here....

(*) Never mind her family are not Christians .


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Counselling individually won't help. Its liable to just frustrate the hell out of you constantly dwelling and *****ing about the situation with no changes. Its not YOUR problem.

Just give up trying. I have. I can't say I'm happy, but I can honestly say Im less miserable.

I should also add that if you;ve reached the point where you give up you should divorce. Unless there is a reason you absolutely have to say.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Gastric sleeve. Ok so this is something siginifcant. How overweight is she? Does she flat have a low self image /esteem? Does she have a healthy attitude about getting more fit? Or dare I ask, is this part of an exit plan? Just wondering what is going on here.


I agree with this assessment. If your wife has been obese and at the level where she needed a sleeve, that would probably have a physical effect on her libido.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ranchman said:


> I keep asking what im doing wrong. I help out with all the chores, do activities with the kids, tell my wife I love her, but all I get out of her is " its not you its me" .


How much time do you spend just with your wife, doing things that you both enjoy? You don't even mention her in this.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How much time do you spend just with your wife, doing things that you both enjoy? You don't even mention her in this.



It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Who wants to spend time with someone that constantly rejects, is unavailable, distant, etc. It's like rewarding bad behavior....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Who wants to spend time with someone that constantly rejects, is unavailable, distant, etc. It's like rewarding bad behavior....


Vicious cycle or downward spiral.


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## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Gastric sleeve. Ok so this is something siginifcant. How overweight is she? Does she flat have a low self image /esteem? Does she have a healthy attitude about getting more fit? Or dare I ask, is this part of an exit plan? Just wondering what is going on here.


No it is something she has fought since our first child. I am very proud of her on this,, she has lost 50 pounds in less than 60 days. I have done research on this and they say that this type of weight loss will increase libido.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm sure her extra weight does have an effect on her libido and self esteem. She probably doesn't feel sexy and desirable. I know I didn't when I was overweight. I'd hang in there and then when she reaches her goal weight see if things change. If not and she still doesn't want to talk about it them you might think about talking to her about separating. That will show her how serious you are about the situation.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

By all means do the counselling on your own if she won't go. Back when my marriage was breaking up I tried to initiate marital counselling to fix things up. She refused to go but I kept going on my own. One of the best decisions I ever made. 

It was helpful having someone objective to talk to who wasn't simply trying to tell me what they thought I wanted to hear (as friends and family were likely to do) but also was prepared to tell me was I was taking too much responsibility for certain issues. It gave me direction to work on things I could fix and let go of the things that were beyond my control.

The key is to find the right counsellor that works for you. It may not necessarily be the first one you meet.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Bublyme77 said:


> I am defiantly in your shoes but after years of trying to fix things and doing all I can to fix it on my own..I brough up counseling and he has agree to do it. We have our first appointment this week and hope it does turn things around, I love my spouse more then words can say I really do and don't want to leave. But he knows if the counseling doesn't turn things around, I will give up and leave!. I have done counseling on my own a year or so back but didn't get me anywhere but feeling worse about the situation and clueless about what to do next. I thought it was me that was the problem that there was something I need to change...only to come to the realization that it's not me who needed to make changes its him. I wish you the best of luck, its not an easy situation to deal with..my heart goes out to you


Has he had everything physically checked out, like his hormone levels? Id go there first. Google low testosterone and see if the symptoms match, there are a lot.of symptoms that are not libido too.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

ranchman said:


> No it is something she has fought since our first child. I am very proud of her on this,, she has lost 50 pounds in less than 60 days. I have done research on this and they say that this type of weight loss will increase libido.


There can also be a bout of depression that follows weight loss surgery. There are a number of forums on the web dedicated to discussions around bariatric surgery and depression and mental health after surgery seems to be a possible concern. Your wife is losing weight now and you are correct that weight loss and getting healthier is normally associated with increased libido but she is also going through some dramatic and drastic life changes. She could be in "mourning" for her lifestyle prior to surgery and having a hard time adjusting to her new life. Just because she is successful in losing the weight, it does not mean that she is not having a difficult time of it.
One big question - What was the libido like *before* surgery?


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## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> There can also be a bout of depression that follows weight loss surgery. There are a number of forums on the web dedicated to discussions around bariatric surgery and depression and mental health after surgery seems to be a possible concern. Your wife is losing weight now and you are correct that weight loss and getting healthier is normally associated with increased libido but she is also going through some dramatic and drastic life changes. She could be in "mourning" for her lifestyle prior to surgery and having a hard time adjusting to her new life. Just because she is successful in losing the weight, it does not mean that she is not having a difficult time of it.
> One big question - What was the libido like *before* surgery?


 it was not good. She even has said that she hopes her sex drive comes back. Good news, (hopefully) is last night she started talking about it with me. I know it bothers her,, but I don't think she knew how much it bothers me till last night. I hope that I might be starting to get thru to her. 
She told me it bothered her that I went and slept in our other room, so I told her the reason why I did it was that I felt we was acting more like roomates than a married couple and that I could not get a good night sleep the way she had me feeling.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

ranchman said:


> it was not good. She even has said that *she hopes her sex drive comes back*. Good news, (hopefully) is last night she started talking about it with me. I know it bothers her,, but I don't think she knew how much it bothers me till last night. I hope that I might be starting to get thru to her.
> She told me it bothered her that I went and slept in our other room, so I told her the reason why I did it was that I felt we was acting more like roomates than a married couple and that I could not get a good night sleep the way she had me feeling.


So when did she have a sex drive since she "hopes that it comes back"?


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## ranchman (Dec 27, 2013)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> So when did she have a sex drive since she "hopes that it comes back"?


Its been like this for a couple years. About as long as she has been having issues with her weight. I have noticed that she has been more loving( holding hands, kissing , hugging) since her surgery. she has lost 50lbs in 2 months so far.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

ranchman said:


> Its been like this for a couple years. About as long as she has been having issues with her weight. I have noticed that she has been more loving( holding hands, kissing , hugging) since her surgery. she has lost 50lbs in 2 months so far.


I'm glad you're experiencing increased intimacy. But kissing does not equal sex. In fact...that could just get you all worked up for no reason.

Hoping it works out for you though. Hopefully its just hormonal.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

sinnister said:


> Counselling individually won't help. Its liable to just frustrate the hell out of you constantly dwelling and *****ing about the situation with no changes. Its not YOUR problem.
> 
> Just give up trying. I have. I can't say I'm happy, but I can honestly say Im less miserable.
> 
> I should also add that if you;ve reached the point where you give up you should divorce. Unless there is a reason you absolutely have to say.


In other words it is more likely for the Philadelphia Eagles to win a Superbowl than it is for him to ever have sex with his wife again.......:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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