# Confronting tonight



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So, I've lived with my head in the sand long enough. Despite my telling him that I saw his texts and he said "oh its nothing"- it isn't. Its all over FB and he does a half-ass job of hiding. Now my daughter found out and felt compelled to tell me. She wasn't snooping, and she wanted to protect me. Enough other crap has happened and the children are hurting. So I'm telling him tonight I want a divorce. Should I tell him our daughter knows of the EA and PA? The mom in me wants to protect her. But another part thinks he ought to know how much pain he has caused and that is why this marriage will not continuing.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

At this point you do not owe him anything, but you owe your daughter everything. You might want to ask her about what she is comfortable for you to communicate with him or not. She may prefer to be left entirely out of it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I note that your daughter has come to know of his A. Before confronting him, which is likely to be an unpleasant experience to you, discuss the possible outcomes with your daughter.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mindful Coach said:


> At this point you do not owe him anything, but you owe your daughter everything. You might want to ask her about what she is comfortable for you to communicate with him or not. She may prefer to be left entirely out of it.


:iagree::iagree:

Mindful is right on the money.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Absolutely, tell him. Let him know what his daughter thinks of him now. Let him know that what because of what he's done, his daughter will be getting two messages on sexual promiscuity and marriage vows. First, vows mean nothing. Second, do what feels good regardless of who it hurts. Then thank him for modeling the behavior of what kind of man she may very well look for. A cheating scum bag like her dad. "Thanks for reducing the chances of our daughter living a normal life, bastard"


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Absolutely, tell him. Let him know what his daughter thinks of him now. Let him know that what because of what he's done, his daughter will be getting two messages on sexual promiscuity and marriage vows. First, vows mean nothing. Second, do what feels good regardless of who it hurts. Then thank him for modeling the behavior of what kind of man she may very well look for. A cheating scum bag like her dad. "Thanks for reducing the chances of our daughter living a normal life, bastard"


Thanks for your input. But I think that's a conversation I'll have with my daughter after the fact. She needs to hear from me that not all men behave this way. And I agree that my allegiance is solely with her now. Well, both my girls-I have a younger one who doesn't know this, but is painfully aware of the tensions in the house. I'm fairly certain she wants to be left out, and I can't blame her. I want to be left out. Now all I get is to be the strong one, again, while he runs away.
Thanks for everyone's response so quickly. I guess I'm not all alone afterall.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

once a DS has passed a thresehold where the cheating becomes brazen, words mean jack squat. they alert him that he needs to be more careful, and give him an opportunity to do damage control. 

when he allowed his transgressions to cross into your daughters world by flaunting them on facebook, he lost his "warning shot across the baugh".... Your way behind because you clung to your denial hoping this would go away. Its well past the stages where exposure or confrontation are effective...

Extreme measures are required here. 

If there is no reconciling, and you are done... That's easy... He doesn't need or deserve the benefit of being informed. Align your defenses, get your cannons in place and blow the doors off his fantasy world. File. Let your lawyers notify him, drop the hammer. His actions are teaching your daughter a lesson, your actions will be teaching a counter lesson. 

If your goal is reconcilation, the course of action becomes more cloudy. But, you have to provide that counter lesson regardingless. He needs consequences, painful ones. Your daughter needs a role model ("hero") and an example to follow... Give her one.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When you confront---be icy cold, calm, and collected---say what you have to say---and leave for a couple of hours, go visit someone---let him stew in the juices he has wrought for himself----

Show no emotion----do not argue, discuss---just state your piece, and leave----that will have the most impact---and it doesn't give a chance to argue, deny, or blameshift.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

don't confront just get your duck lined up and leave.

why waste the breath.


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

If you get divorced, everyone is hurt, expect your husband's OW.
Now they can come out to the light from hiding in the dark.

Just wanted to reminder you that. I think you should try marriage consulting, looking for professional help to find out the truth before watching an outside women destroyed your family.(of course your H is wrong too.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

abdo said:


> If you get divorced, everyone is hurt, expect your husband's OW.
> Now they can come out to the light from hiding in the dark.
> 
> Just wanted to reminder you that. I think you should try marriage consulting, looking for professional help to find out the truth before watching an outside women destroyed your family.(of course your H is wrong too.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I appreciate your suggestion, but been there done that. We tried MC last year for his anger issues, lack of communication, lack of respect, parenting disagreement. After about two months he quit because he said he felt it was one big blame session. This marriage was done. Some OW isn't destroying it


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

What a loser!! If divorce is the best solution, go for it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So I confronted him and left my daughter out of the conversation. I just told him he wasn't very careful about closing his FB account.
He said one nasty thing, then stopped. He didn't fight, or deny it. He also didn't apologize. There was no "lets work this out", or anything. He said he is planning to move to the other state (but didn't say with her and there's family there) and said he'll try to see the children when he can. Jerk. He hasn't been much of a father in the last four years and I don't see added distance making that much better.
I really think in his twisted mind, it is easier to run away from his responsibilities, and he's all about taking the easy way out. I said I would give him a few days to make plans before we tell the kids. Aren't I civilized. There's a big part of me that wants to burn everything he has out in the driveway. But I know that would just upset the kids, and now I'm all they've got.
Twenty-seven years of marriage and he didn't even try. I thought I would mean more to him than that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Time to slap him up with a financial support demand, before her runs out of state.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

abdo said:


> If you get divorced, everyone is hurt, expect your husband's OW.
> Now they can come out to the light from hiding in the dark.
> 
> Just wanted to reminder you that. I think you should try marriage consulting, looking for professional help to find out the truth before watching an outside women destroyed your family.(of course your H is wrong too.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please tell me you're joking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> So I confronted him and left my daughter out of the conversation. I just told him he wasn't very careful about closing his FB account.
> He said one nasty thing, then stopped. He didn't fight, or deny it. He also didn't apologize. There was no "lets work this out", or anything. He said he is planning to move to the other state (but didn't say with her and there's family there) and said he'll try to see the children when he can. Jerk. He hasn't been much of a father in the last four years and I don't see added distance making that much better.
> I really think in his twisted mind, it is easier to run away from his responsibilities, and he's all about taking the easy way out. I said I would give him a few days to make plans before we tell the kids. Aren't I civilized. There's a big part of me that wants to burn everything he has out in the driveway. But I know that would just upset the kids, and now I'm all they've got.
> Twenty-seven years of marriage and he didn't even try. I thought I would mean more to him than that.


Sorry.
That is rough.
His non-answer says it all. 
I would file for divorce and call it a day. No treating him with any kind of "wifely" affection/care/support. 
He made his choice. Slap him with divorce papers and child support (alimony if applicable) and carry on with your life.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> So I confronted him and left my daughter out of the conversation. I just told him he wasn't very careful about closing his FB account.
> He said one nasty thing, then stopped. He didn't fight, or deny it. He also didn't apologize. There was no "lets work this out", or anything. He said he is planning to move to the other state (but didn't say with her and there's family there) and said he'll try to see the children when he can. Jerk. He hasn't been much of a father in the last four years and I don't see added distance making that much better.
> I really think in his twisted mind, it is easier to run away from his responsibilities, and he's all about taking the easy way out. I said I would give him a few days to make plans before we tell the kids. Aren't I civilized. There's a big part of me that wants to burn everything he has out in the driveway. But I know that would just upset the kids, and now I'm all they've got.
> Twenty-seven years of marriage and he didn't even try. I thought I would mean more to him than that.


Sorry to hear that Pluto.
Stay strong.

Sad. I dont understand how WS threw away a marriage of 27 years + kids. Perplexing. What is in his mind, huh?

Prayers to you and your kids.

Stay strong.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Unfortunately for some people, the pain of facing themselves and what they've done and doing the work to correct it...is more painful than the pain of losing a decades old marriage, children, a home, and a life. 

I'm so sorry Pluto. I do encourage you to not be vindictive but also don't "let him off the hook." Even if he wants to "run away" he has responsibilities to you and to the children whatever their ages may be. Just remember that if you do allow him to experience the consequences of his choices--he's likely to say some things like "you aren't being loving" because you're not protecting him from the consequences of the choice HE MADE or mopping up the disaster afterward. Don't listen to that. Just remember it show confidence in him that he can handle it...and is the most loving thing you can do to let him make his own choices, experience the consequences, and (hopefully) learn the life lessons he needs to learn.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Talk to a good divorce lawyer right away. I dont know the laws in your state, but I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks he can completely sever his financial obligations by leaving. Raising kids are expensive and on your own now you'll need that. Good luck to you and your daughters. Just remember, he was lucky to have had you. I wonder if the OW knows what she's in for. Hell be moving in and carrying all that emotional baggage with him. Unpleasant realities will set in once they start living together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Just wanted to add how sorry I am that you had to go through this. Sounds absolutely horrible. You do seem to have your head on straight though and know that your kids are your priority. Good for you. Be strong and like everyone said, serve him up.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Stay strong and lawyer up. It is sad after all those years. Just stay away from young pool boys. Not a good way to rebound.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Pluto, you don't have to be vindictive (unless you want to LOL), but you definitely cannot afford to be nice. You already made that mistake by offering him some time. You seem to think being nice will make you look like the civil one, but it will be to your own detriment and sore regret. Act right now to protect yourself and your children. I hope you went early this morning to the bank and withdrew half. Go to see an attorney tomorrow to expediate a support decree. The attorney will know what to do when you tell him/her that your husband plans to leave the state. If possible, an injunction might even be necessary until the financials can be worked out. I don't have any idea what the attorney will recommend or what can be done. I'm just trying to let you know that you have to move post haste to get everything taken care of. His OW is not going to like it and will try to prevent him from having to pay spousal or child support. The less he has to pay, the more she figures she will access to. Don't stupidly think that being nice and taking the high road will spare you anything. It won't. You and the kids will get shafted in the worst ways.



Pluto2 said:


> We tried MC last year for his anger issues, lack of communication, lack of respect, parenting disagreement. After about two months he quit because he said he felt it was one big blame session. This marriage was done. Some OW isn't destroying it


For those reading and going through marriage counseling or thinking about counseling, this is not the kind of counselor you want to see. It makes one partner feel good that finally someone understands, agrees with them, and is on their side. But it places the other partner in an awful position, one that no one wants to be in. They will withdraw and nothing will get accomplished. 

A good counselor never takes sides no matter how badly the offended or battered spouse (physically battered or emotionally battered, etc.) may feel they need someone to tell the offender how badly they have treated them and point out all their faults. A good attorney will gain an understanding of the problem(s), and then go about the business of helping the couple reverse their failing marriage. S/he will not constantly tell one of them how wrong they are for that partner to end up feeling it is just "_one big blame session_." Anyone would reject that kind of treatment, will never open up, and will never change.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I disagree about the MC. He didn't take sides and did not tell husband things were his fault. H suffers from major recurrent depression with paranoid tendencies and the counselor's suggestions to me to try to diffuse various situations were interpreted by H as blaming him. The MC repeatedly told us there was no fault, he was trying to help both of us cope with his disease. I will say he was not willing to give H a free ride about the consequences of his actions by pointing out that when he screamed at his family, they would retreat because people don't enjoy that kind of treatment. One of the problems we had was that H didn't want to deal with his disease or anything else. The MC gave us exercises to help us communicate better and H refused-said he didn't need someone telling him how to talk, all the while screaming his head off and throwing something across the room. After several months on meds his anger did get better, but the communication didn't-obviously. 

I have contacted an attorney. To a certain extent I'm almost feeling like getting child support from him will be like getting blood out of a stone. He hasn't worked in three years. So I can get an agreement that says he has to pay me, but collecting it will be another matter. The guilt over what this is doing to the girls is setting in. I know I'm not the one who broke our vows, but I married the jerk.


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