# First time, on the verge of divorce, Help please.



## Broken&Confused (Sep 5, 2014)

This is my story, im probably going to ramble on and on but, i need an outside opinion. Im at a loss.

I have been with my huband for 11 years, high school sweethearts, eachothers 1st everything, 4 young children (all boys ages 2-9) 

Latley we have been fighting alot over the stupidest things, its gotten so bad he wants to leave me and I no longer have the energy to beg him to stay. 
A little back story of my side of the family, My grandmother on my mothers side has been diagnosed with Historonic disorder, shes mental and has been her entire life. Its just normal to us now, we still love her. My aunt on my mothers side is bipolar, my mother has depression and anxiety. I experimented with drugs in high school before I met my husband and have been on and off anti depressants for the last 6 years also on and off visits with a counsoler for my entire life. 

I have to say, the only reason I have tried the medications is beacause when we fight, he tells me, "Youre crazy just like your mother and grandmother, you just keep getting worse with age. Im not the problem here, youre the crazy *****, you need help." Always things like that when we fight. Its never his fault. 

A little back story on his child hood, his mother was they type of wife that cooked, cleaned, submitted to her husband wether he was wrong or right. My husbands father was able to come home, relax, have dinner served to him, the kids would put on and take off his work boots, clear the table of dishes. His mom and dad have never been divorced, he grew up the baby of 4 born and raised in the same house his dad built by hand. his father was emotionally and verbally abusive to his mother, also his fathers dicipline style was border line abusive to the children. 

I wasnt raised like that, my parents divorced when I was young, im the oldest of 3 siblings, my mother is now on her 4th marriage. I was raised to depend on myself, stand up for myself and speak my mind. Also my fathers an alcoholic. I was never spanked as a child. 

So here we are today, im 27 years old and hes 29. My husband and I both work full time jobs. I work 40 hours a week and he works 12 hour days, sometimes 60+ hours depending on the week. Hes up at 3am sometimes. I get it, hes tired, i understand. But, we have children and a home. We are equals. 

I get up at 5:30 am, get myself ready for work, get the 4 kids breakfast, dressed and off to the daycare. Work all day, go get the kids from the daycare, bathes, homework, dinner made and served to my husband and children. Then everyones in bed by 8pm. Not too complicated. I also handle all the grocery shopping, manage all the money, pay all the bills, make the doctors appointments, school functions, basically everything to keep us functioning. 

My husband gets up, gets himself dressed, packs his lunch and is off to work. He works all day driving a Semi truck from Utah to Whyoming and back. Then he comes home and sits on the couch, goes to bed early, plays on his cell phone. 

So, here is the issue, I NEED HELP!!

If I ask him to help with the kids or household duties he gets mad, all he has to do is mow the lawn, keep the driveway and his garage cleaned up, take the trash out and feed to animals. But, I still have to practically beg him to do any of these things. 

I can be in the kitchen trying to cook dinner and load the dishwasher at the saem time my 2 year old is screaming in a messy diaper and hes lying on the couch and wont even look up from his phone. I get frustrated and ive tried talking to him about it but, he gets defensive and it turns into a screaming battle. He tells me im insame, I want a modle home and all i do is clean and do laundry, Well, yeah! when i have 4 little boys running around and very little help of course im going to be drowning in laundry and dishes. 

I dont want to paint him as this monster but, why cant he help me when I ask? hes also a chain smoker, a CARTON a week or more. 

So when I ask for help he says hold on let me smoke first. Why cant he take 5 minutes to change the screaming baby before he 
smokes? I dont understand it at all. 

And now its to the point where he thinks im boring, all i want to do is clean and im not the same person, he thinks i need help, meds counsoling. And nothings worng with him. Let me say for the last year ive seen a counsoler alot, got back on meds, read every marriage book i could find, made sure he had a home cooked meal almost every night, and uped the intercourse to 3+ times a week. I dont know what more I can do.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Are your finances strong enough to have someone come in on a regular basis to help you clean?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you work 8 hours a day and your husband works 12 hours a day. So after work you have about 4 hours taking care of the children and the household. This means that you work as many hours as he does.

So.. when he's at home he should be doing 50% of whatever needs to be done. You have a valid complaint. 

What % of your joint income do you earn?

Are you willing to push this to hard so that you can get him to start seeing your marriage as a partnership and not you being his servant?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

That's not a partner, that's a user.

He is using you to do his share of responsibilities and you *ENABLED* him to do so.

In bold is your problem, stop it and get his ass in gear. Clearly he picked it up after his father.....

DO NOT play that "women" role his mother did for her husband. It is wrong and "slave" like.

There HAS to be a good/fair balance of responsibilities around children/household. 

Currently, it's 100% you and 0% him. It's time to get it to 50/50 as you both work equally. This means, childcare, cooking, cleaning, finances......EVERYTHING.

He is taking advantage of you. It's going to require healthy/adult like communication. Sit him down, smile, no anger etc and have a good/serious conversation with him about this. If you sense anger from him or you/come back at a later time.

If he is willing to work on this, everything will work out. If he continues to use you etc, it's time to start thinking about divorce. UNLESS of course you are willing to accept this (you have/did past # of years, didn't you).

You are basically undoing your enabling past # of years.......


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

My first idea was that one of you needs to work less if that is financially possible. I can understand very well why he feels tired and needs some time to relax and I understand as well why you need his help. How long are the children in the childcare? Do the older ones help with chores?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Things are not anywhere near equal in your household. If I was in your shoes I would be tempted to leave. He isn't helping you at all with the kids, house and with cleaning. If he wants a SAHM who will sit home and wait on him then he should get a better job so your family can afford for you to do that. Tell him that unless he starts helping out more you are going to hire a mothers helper to help you with the children, cleaning and cooking.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

4 kids and a full-time job. Wow.

Rather you than me.

Did you *want* to work a 40 hour week, raise 4 (small) children (unpaid nanny), and be a housekeeper/cook/laundry attendant/bookkeeper; or did things kind of "end up" like this?

You are basically working 3 jobs.

So nice of your H to use your families mental health genetics against you in arguments. Not

Make it better for you. Do whatever it takes. I cannot believe you are saddled with this much stuff to do!

What is he _doing_ on his damm phone while chaos erupts all around him?


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

He's one of those entitlement minded *******s. I would tell him that he can step up or step out.

It is not the 50s. He is not some king to be waited on hand and foot. I would stop doing for him at all, and focus on the kids.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, I am very sorry for both of you. You must be exhausted. I suspect he is very tired as well if he is working 12 hour days, 60 hour weeks. I remember what it was like myself . Happily I am now retired. 

Why do we let employers treat us so badly?

I do not see how divorce will help things for you, however. First you will have the cost of divorce, separate homes to run. To be realistic, few men will relish taking on four small boys if you look for someone else.

Sometimes the best course in life is to hang tough and wait until things get better. You are clearly doing a lot of the right things so are upping your chances of things improving.

I agree with the others, though, your husband could usefully look at himself and see that he falls short at times as well.

Good luck.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

I bet if you unload his sorry ass, you would not have to be on medication. Sounds like HE is the depressant.

I am sick of the stigma with mental illness. What an ignorant, disgusting, entitlement minded ass.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Tell him to take all the kids outside & play if nothing else, to give you a minute to catch your breath.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

They are both exhausted and overworked. As others note, the first step is to get some household help. Are there tasks that need to be done but he would have the ability to determine when. It's annoying as a man when you worked a hard day or just came home and almost immediately the wife has something for you to do. 

Do try to say some kind words to him, he is stressed and perhaps you will get some good will in return.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't care who's fault this is or how the whole thing came to be, but if I work 60 hours a week, I sure wouldn't want to come home to a wife occupied with household chores and doing my share. That's just a sh1tty life. So that's where he's coming from.

As for you, I have no idea how you work 40 hours a week and raise 4 boys aged 2-to-9! That sounds insane!

Are you two sure this is the kind of life you want to be living? Can your materialistic standards be lowered so you two don't have to work as much until at least 2 of the boys are older?

It doesn't matter how much of the workload he accepts. The combined level of work exceeds the abilities of 2 people. One person is always going to get screwed (you most likely) and neither are ever going to be happy with this system.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

You and your husband are at one of the toughest stages in a marriage relationship -- the kid stage. Everything you describe in your thread seems honestly thought out and you communicate your thoughts extremely well. You are making a lot of effort. It shows in what you have just written.

4 kids and both spouses with full time jobs. I do not envy either one of you. Your husband needs to do more. That is real obvious to me, but when our kids were at the toddler stage, I did everything I could to help out -- and my wife was a SAHM.

How do you communicate what you need to your husband? Why, besides family history, does he say you are crazy? Is he just making an excuse out of anger?

By the way, 3+ times a week when you are tired is special. That guy should be bowing down to you and thanking you in any way he can!

I am a Christian, so I think it's special when I see a woman who embodies a lot of the whole Proverbs 31:10-31, even a little of it! I want to encourage you because it sure seems like you do.


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