# What's It REALLY Like?



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sammy7111 alludes about what it's like living with a betrayal and then reconciling. 

For me (read carefully- "for me"- as my story may be different from others) it's something like this (and I think this is pretty typical)...

Part of it is the loss of trust & faith. When you trust someone with all your heart to do the right thing and it is betrayed, that trust and faith never returns.

And trust and faith doesn't mean verifying, or calling in every hour when apart, or giving a full account of the day or email passwords... that stuff is totally meaningless as there are 100 ways around it. Those things have nothing to do with trust & faith.

Trust & faith is the full knowledge that in my heart and in my mind one knows for a fact their spouse would rather die that betray you, your marriage, the kids... even the thought is hateful to them. So once that is betrayed, it can never be reestablished as the die has been cast- in concrete. All one can do is hope it doesn't happen again. And doubt is always present- even if we say it isn't. It is. Sort of like a low grade depression.

Another aspect that never truly leaves are the questions and videos that play with and in one's mind. Wondering... seeing things... knowing that you as a person never measured up enough or were good enough. You're second (or third or even fourth) best. One feels like the kewpie doll prize at the fair for coming in dead last. I mean, I'm remarried and I still feel this way at times. 

So, to be sure, it's a life prison sentence. Nothing one can do but cope, try and stuff as much of it in the back of one's mind as much as possible. If you tell your reconciled betrayer that everything isn't fine, you run the risk of finding yourself being betrayed again- or so one thinks anyway. So everything is always "fine", even when it's not. It becomes a conditioned response. Just say what you need to and let the pain roam around inside you.

Kinda sucks, really. But what choices do you have? Show your wounds and pray it doesn't lead to another betrayal or just suck it up, say all is well and do your best to keep your spouse thinking the world is wonderful. Easy choice if you ask me.

And that's not to say my life is trashed. I have some wonderful times. But in the backgound there is always this sort of presence of being betrayed. It just kind of looms and hangs around, poking at me occassionally.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

I have never thought of myself as never measuring up or being second or third or fourth best. I know my WW made an incredibly selfish decision and has shown in the last 10 months since DDay true remorse. Yes, the questions and mind movies are still there but lesser over time as she continues to show me what a true wife and partner she can be. I think part of it is how you view yourself and your own self esteem. I was a good husband and father while she had her affair, and I won't let her affair define me in any negative way. If she doesn't continue to do the hard work in reconciling she knows at any time she will be shown the door. All of this after 30 years of marriage this past May. She knows the gift I am giving is a chance to stay married and have the respect of her children.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It's part of our repertoire now, it's who we evolve from & out of it... it a rough experience, something I never, ever, would had guessed affect people so deeply when in the past I have heard of others' infidelities. 

-sammy


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Welsh15 said:


> I have never thought of myself as never measuring up or being second or third or fourth best. I know my WW made an incredibly selfish decision and has shown in the last 10 months since DDay true remorse. Yes, the questions and mind movies are still there but lesser over time as she continues to show me what a true wife and partner she can be. I think part of it is how you view yourself and your own self esteem. I was a good husband and father while she had her affair, and I won't let her affair define me in any negative way. If she doesn't continue to do the hard work in reconciling she knows at any time she will be shown the door. All of this after 30 years of marriage this past May. She knows the gift I am giving is a chance to stay married and have the respect of her children.


I think you are a very fortunate betrayed. I know other betrayers here have made splendid efforts to repair and rebuild. I am envious.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> I think you are a very fortunate betrayed. I know other betrayers here have made splendid efforts to repair and rebuild. I am envious.


:iagree: She has pretty much done everything right since last August. Read several books on how to do the work of reconciling the marriage, completely cut the other man out of our lives etc. I just exposed the affair to his wife 7 months after D-day. Needed to do this to move on myself as I would want to know. OM wife had no idea, thanked me profusely but has not confronted him yet. I hope to point the OM's wife in the direction of TAM to help guide her. I send my WW posts from TAM all the time as most everyone here has been spot on in their advice. I just wish I had found TAM right after D-day instead of 6 months later.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

personally I've been having a blast and am very happy right now, no regrets on my decision at all 

that said I went through quite a lot of hell to get there but looking back I think it was worth it for me and my situation and having a remorseful WS

YMMV


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> personally I've been having a blast and am very happy right now, no regrets on my decision at all
> 
> that said I went through quite a lot of hell to get there but looking back I think it was worth it for me and my situation and having a remorseful WS
> 
> YMMV


Just read your story, what a read. I too had to deal with many of the same things. 10 months out and eyes open with a clear heart on the path that i am on today. Best to you.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

but can you really ever trust them again


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

sammy7111 said:


> but can you really ever trust them again


I have to admit, I've wondered about that. I mean, for those who have had a successful R, is the true "trust" ever there without reservation?

For example, lets say the betrayer was the husband. He was on the road for a week long business trip and along with a few business dinners he went to a few bars to unwind and watch a game, get out of the hotel... and one thing led to another. 

Now, after betraying and the aftermath and a R that seems to be going well and maybe a few years later he's out for another business trip. Maybe a few days before he and the wife had some silly tiff... Will she really and truly trust him without reservation? Checking in with her means nothing. He could be in some escort's room while texting how is just lounging by the pool reading... 

Sad to say, I can't even fully trust my own wife after what my ex did. Maybe that makes me a grade A schmuck, but it's how I feel.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's like this...



> Infidelity hurts. A lot. My own experience w/ it hurt me so badly and so deeply that, in the throes of my despair, I called my mother and, choking back a torrent of tears, told her that I wished she'd aborted me. Even now, almost two years later, there are still days in which I think I'd still be willing to give my life in exchange for it never having happened.


And that's putting it mildly. This puts it not so mildly.

ETA: Oops. Just realized that I neglected to address the second part of BP's initial question. I guess I was more focused on what I thought (for some reason) was his question i.e. "How does infidelity really impact a BS?"

Mea culpa.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You know, nobody is forcing you to reconcile.

In the end it is you who choose this path.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

If you can't trust them then you really need to move on. Why stick around someone you will always be not sure of?

As for me I forgave and we "r". I never begged for her to stay it was her that did what she did. I will also not forget.

What do I mean by that? Well like and operation the doctor fixes what was wrong but the scar will always be on your skin to remind you of what happen. You can live with scars. I believe also that which does not kill you makes you stronger.(Oh and I have had many operations)

In the end we all have to answer to God for our sins. If we don't repent and change for the better then you know were you are going. No one is prefect but Him but he gave us free will to choose not to sin or sin


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sammy7111 said:


> but can you really ever trust them again



written almost 3 years ago



Almostrecovered said:


> Yet there is that little issue of trust.
> 
> 
> Can I trust her 100%?
> ...


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The faith and trust is not an issue with me, as the affair was over many years ago, and never repeated. Also, there's the change in personality over time, so I don't worry about future behavior.

The real funk of reality is the horrible feeling of loss and betrayal that I will likely never recover from. (I know-negative thoughts bring negative results) 
One hugely important aspect of marriage that is missing, and can never be replaced.

It may be bad coping, but for me its a wound that will never heal.

FYI: 7 months from D-Day


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

sammy7111 said:


> but can you really ever trust them again


The real question is would you dare trust them again?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Forest said:


> The faith and trust is not an issue with me, as the affair was over many years ago, and never repeated. Also, there's the change in personality over time, so I don't worry about future behavior.
> 
> The real funk of reality is the horrible feeling of loss and betrayal that I will likely never recover from. (I know-negative thoughts bring negative results)
> One hugely important aspect of marriage that is missing, and can never be replaced.
> ...


((sigh))


-sammy


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

sammy7111 said:


> but can you really ever trust them again


nope!
For me, trust would never return, and its not JUST fidelity
for me, if my ex could not keep her legs closed for her family and DAUGHTER, WHAT else can she not do for her family or daughter...she put her crotch first, her daughter second...PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can NEVER EVER forgive that, and I hate her more and more for it...not to mention I will never marry or be monogamous again (I wont cheat, I will be honest, but I will never commit to someone again)


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

The side effects from the affair... lack of sleep, anxiety, churning stomach, tight chest, a general malaise... interact with everything else I feel physically/emotionally from an accident a few years ago. It's made everything so much harder and it feels like years are being drained off of my lifespan. Reminders are everywhere you look, and sometimes you see things even when they aren't there, or you trigger for no reason at all.

It's also hard to know who or what to believe in anymore. Things I once thought to be indisputable truths were proven false in front of my eyes. It messes with your world view, especially if you're already distrustful of others. In order to chase something shiny and new, your closest friend and confidante has tossed you aside like a used napkin.

What happened has also given me a new drive. It's made me feel more in control of my situation, because once again, I've learned that I can only count on myself. Even when I'm really down, like I am now, some strange force keeps me moving. I just wish I could turn it off and rest sometimes.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Cabsy said:


> The side effects from the affair... lack of sleep, anxiety, churning stomach, tight chest, a general malaise... interact with everything else I feel physically/emotionally from an accident a few years ago. It's made everything so much harder and it feels like years are being drained off of my lifespan. Reminders are everywhere you look, and sometimes you see things even when they aren't there, or you trigger for no reason at all.
> 
> It's also hard to know who or what to believe in anymore. Things I once thought to be indisputable truths were proven false in front of my eyes. It messes with your world view, especially if you're already distrustful of others. In order to chase something shiny and new, your closest friend and confidante has tossed you aside like a used napkin.
> 
> What happened has also given me a new drive. It's made me feel more in control of my situation, because once again, *I've learned that I can only count on myself.* Even when I'm really down, like I am now, some strange force keeps me moving. I just wish I could turn it off and rest sometimes.


That's part of the rub.

Part of a great relationship, to me, is the joy of fully being able to place total trust & faith in your spouse. Like it's a badge of honor, saying to the world, _"go ahead, bastards, try hitting on her or weakening her defenses. It ain't gonna get you anywhere."_. Now, those words and that feeling is gone forever. 

You know that that very person you live for clearely doesn't feel the same way for you. In some regards, you're just another person they have had sex with and are willing to live with. Or at least it was the way I felt.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> thatbpguy....that may be true for you...but it is not true in our case.
> 
> My husband can count on me...I will have his back..always.
> 
> ...


Maybe I'm a little bitter. I lost the love of my life. That said, I actually do enjoy success stories like yours.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> of course you are bitter...and who would blame you?
> 
> Are you divorcing or reconciling?


We tried to R twice and each time she took on a new lover. Later, after our divorce, she told me after the first time it was just easier than trying to rebuild the marriage.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

It will get better, but it is kind of like a life-long chronic ailment. Never completely goes away, something you learn to live with if you are truly reconciled.

We are doing OK some years after Dday. But the knowledge that my W's first loyalty lay elsewhere for probably years never leaves my mind.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> We tried to R twice and each time she took on a new lover. Later, after our divorce, she told me after the first time it was just easier than trying to rebuild the marriage.


Wow, bpguy, that is just cold. I'm very sorry for your situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case me and the old lady are totaly different people.

But ya. we can't really trust each other. When I get angry , I'm I going to go to that dark place and she ends up on the floor? And in the same breath when "I let her out (lol) " will she phuck some strange.....

So my point is do either of use (me and Mrs.the-guy) want to go down that road again???? It really wasn't that emotionaly healthy.

The real fun is just being good! and if my old lady phucks me over well then I can walk away laughing my @ss off knowing she choose to take the bad road.

I think in short me and the old lady just doen't have any expectation to do good for some one else. We do good cuz we have been down the bad road and its old....just be good for your self and its up to your spouse to keep up.

Folks you can't control others but you can control what you tolorate and its up to you when enough is enough and if one thinks their going to get screwed over again then bail.

But if one excepts the fact that the capacity to get screwed over is there and one had clear and non negotiable boundries then it is no surprise from either one that you lust let them go.

In short the expectation isnt will she screw me over, rather the expectation of what will happen if she does.


I mean I know with out a doubt what will happen if i hit my old lady, just like she knows what will happen to her if she phucks around.

Growing up in the cold war....weird how that applies to my new marriage....LOL


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

I don't feel this way at all. My dh was unfaithful in 07, and it took a lot of work to get over it. Counseling helped a lot. I think you may be taking the wrong track here though.

The most important thing after a betrayal is honesty. We are completely honest with each other, even when it hurts. Once I made that promise I stopped saying "nothing." I told him, every time. They can't work on the relationship if they do not know what is wrong. They keep doing the same thing, you keep getting upset, and the cycle ends in divorce.

Try to institute a safe place. Once a week you lay it all on the table, no yelling, no arguing. Validate each other's feelings, even if you don't agree.

I told my dh at one of these talks that I didn't trust him anymore. Trust is earned. With me telling him regularly what I wanted changed it gave him the chance to work on it and show me that he wanted my trust again. And he earned it.


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