# Lost and lonely



## Killa (8 mo ago)

Hello,

So a introduction, well let's see, OK so I'm Killa, I am a wife, mother, estranged sister and daughter.
But mainly, a mother and wife. I have been with my husband for 24yrs this year. Our daughter is now of legal age and living with us. She is still finding her feet in this world.
My husband and I are looking at what the rest of our lives are going to look like and have been planning to buy a caravan so we can travel this beautiful land we live on.

I am here because I need help. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I have a right to even ask for help.
Husband and I have not had any intimate relations in 4yrs, at first it was because he didn't want to hurt me while I was recovering from a serious car accident, For a year after my accident I slept in the lounge room,then I received a motorised single bed due to my injuries, I moved out to a caravan as our home is 2 bedroom. but as the months went by it morphed into something else. 

I feel that it morphed into punishment. Punishment for Cheating and hurting him.

2 yrs prior to the accident I was looking at meeting couples to play around with, but when I got to the actual act, I couldn't go through with it. Regardless of not participating I still cheated. I also had a friend who was very high maintenance and casting problems for us. 
On the day of the accident, my husband had gone away for the weekend, he never got his weekend away because the police called to let him know I was in Hospital, he later informed me that he had not gotten to the destination as he spent some time contemplating our relationship. He had been thinking of divorce it was a him or her ( my friend ) situation.

We've been living in separate rooms since then, I gained a lot of weight 30 odd kgs as I resigned to the fact that we had stopped intimacy. 

I have tried to talk to him about this numerous times, civilly, but it doesn't work, he starts telling me that I am the one who hurt him, he doesn't want a relationship with someone who has emasculates him, who doesn't respect themselves or our relationship and he is not attracted to fat people. 

I have put a lot of effort into self development over the past 4 yrs to make things right, I have been open and honest, recently I realised how fat I was and I've started to lose weight and look after myself, I've been attentive and caring, he has all the passwords and any accounts have been deleted, 

I don't know what more I can do. Is there any way of saving this marriage? is it already over?
I'm scared that I already know


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Killa said:


> Hello,
> 
> So a introduction, well let's see, OK so I'm Killa, I am a wife, mother, estranged sister and daughter.
> But mainly, a mother and wife. I have been with my husband for 24yrs this year. Our daughter is now of legal age and living with us. She is still finding her feet in this world.
> ...


So you wanted to join another couple alone, you wanted yourself _and _your husband to bring another couple into the bedroom, or you wanted to spouse swap? 

Your husband obviously has A LOT of resentment if he's mad that a car accident ruined his weekend away. He should have been happy that you were alive, **** the weekend. 

Some people and couples can move past infidelity, some cannot. He may be in the latter group. Have you tried marriage counseling? He likely needs individual therapy. Have you asked him what he needs for you? 

Even though you are the one that cheated and presumably broke the relationship, you don't have to stick around forever if things aren't going to improve. The plan may end up being divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As horrible, and hurtful, as his words are, those are his true feelings.

I would get a divorce and start new.

This is easy enough to say, but that requires the finances to pull this off.

If you do not have the means, he has you over a barrel and you are at his mercy.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Killa said:


> Hello,
> 
> So a introduction, well let's see, OK so I'm Killa, I am a wife, mother, estranged sister and daughter.
> But mainly, a mother and wife. I have been with my husband for 24yrs this year. Our daughter is now of legal age and living with us. She is still finding her feet in this world.
> ...


Your marriage might not technically be over, but a loving relationship with your husband is.

Real reconciliation after infidelity is a very difficult thing to accomplish, and it may already be too late. This is the consequence of your actions.

You can try counseling but honestly it sounds like your husband has emotionally moved on without you. More consequences. As @bobert said, some people just can’t live with the deception of betrayal.

If your husband thinks like me, then he doesn’t believe you didn’t complete the acts and are still lying to him. That would make moving past this impossible.


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## Lapm (10 mo ago)

It sounds like your marriage is over. I think it’s time for the 2 of you to have that discussion.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If your husband thinks like me, then he doesn’t believe you didn’t complete the acts and are still lying to him. That would make moving past this impossible.


So in some cases it would be better to let the spouse believe the worst, even if not true, to avoid the fear that the betrayer is lying?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> So in some cases it would be better to let the spouse believe the worst, even if not true, to avoid the fear that the betrayer is lying?


I see your point. Reverse psychology almost. Interesting.

If there is no way to prove your innocence and you don’t have a history of integrity to rely on, then is it better just to let that lie play out to so that you appear ‘honest’ to the BS.

It feels like there are potential downsides that might be worse.
-Letting the BS believe the lie kills any residual hope that the BS might have.
-If it ever does come out that nothing happened, the BS would be crushed that a WS let them believe the lie.

Truth is best and deal with the consequences of disbelief if that happens. Manipulation to control the outcome is a sign of a non-remorseful spouse.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

All you can do at the moment is work on yourself. Make yourself the best person you can be, physically and mentally. You also need to come to terms with the fact that your husband may never have interest in you again. The infidelity changed your relationship in a way that can never be undone. So again, make yourself the best person possible and try to start new with your husband, but realize you may never be able to do enough. He is in the equation too and you have no control over how he feels, thinks and acts.


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