# Feeling Torn



## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for a little over three years. We went through a rough patch that started roughly six months into our marriage and lasted for about six months. We weren't meeting each other's needs, were hurting each other's feelings and were fighting a lot. During that time period I felt I wasn't a priority to him. Unfortunately my depression and anxiety, which hadn't been a problem for 5 1/2 years and which I thought I'd overcome, flared up. He didn't know how to handle me like that and emotionally unplugged and physically withdrew. We got into marriage counseling and were in it for eight months. After it ended we both felt things had gotten 10x better but looking back now I realize that things just went from terrible to okay but never to good.

In the two years since he's been emotionally, physically and sexually distant. He also continues to bring up things I did that hurt him even though it's been two years and I've apologized repeatly. He's also heavily into computer gaming, most of the time staying up to game instead of coming to bed with me.

He was unemployed during 1 1/2 years of that time. He got offered a job out-of-state which we decided he would take. He wanted me to stay behind for the two months of his probation. I didn't like the idea but I agreed to it. Two weeks before we were planning on leaving I got laid off so we were planning on going together. A week before we were supposed to leave he sat me down and said he wanted me to stay behind because he needed space and time to think since he was thinking about divorce. I told him we were a team and that I was going with him and we'd work it out. He agreed to it. The night before we were supposed to leave he again said he wanted me to stay and this time I agreed.

He called for the first three days then the communication dribbled down to just a few texts. Then he called a month after he left and said he wanted a divorce. He texted me a couple hours after that backing off the decision and saying he was undecided. But his friends showed up the next day and took all his stuff. Shortly after that I had to move in with my parents since I couldn't afford the rent being unemployed. The same day he said he wanted a divorce I pulled half the money out of our joint checking account and openned my own bank account since I was afraid he would pull all the money out. Recently he started having his paychecks deposited in a different account I have no access to.

When I've talked to him I've been reserved. Since he's left I've gotten back into a lot of things I love that I let go of, some of them because he didn't want to do them, so I've been telling him about how much I enjoy getting back to those things. I've cried a few times but I try to minimize that as much as I can.

He called me more frequently after that for a while then suddenly he said he wanted to fly me out to see him. I agreed and went. The weekend was really ackward, especially considering he hadn't made a decision yet. Plus he seemed intent on pretending like nothing was wrong.

On Tuesday he texted me asking if I'd lost my phone because I hadn't been texting him back because I didn't want to talk to him. He called but I couldn't answer because I was in an interview. I called him after the interview and we started fighting. As usual he brought up things I'd done two years go that hurt him. So I suggested we stop talking about the past for now and focus on rebuilding the relationship. I suggested we do "The Love Dare" book since we each have a copy and basically see where we are after the 40 days of the book. He agree to it. However we had agreed to go through the book together before and he'd quit part way through with the excuse that it wasn't working. So I'm afraid he's going to quit this time.

At this point, he's broken my heart twice in as many months and I know if he gives up on the book that it's going to break my heart again. I doubt I would have the strength to continue fighting for the marriage after that. Plus if he can't commit to 40 days there is no possible way this marriage can work. He's playing it safe and refusing to put himself at much risk.

I don't want a divorce but if he's not willing to commit to and fight for our marriage then I feel it would be better to divorce.

I would really appreciate any thoughts and advice.


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## BundleofGuilt (Oct 22, 2012)

it sounds like he is moving on and just wants to make sure you are there along the way for when he feels weak, but not necessarily because he wants to get back together or work on the relationship. I am no expert, but based on the way you are describing the situation, you are committed and willing to compromise while he is not. Giving him a benefit of the doubt, if you are good woman (which it seems you are) the process might be even more difficult for him, and his hesitation might be just the fact that he is afraid of regretting his decision later....so while he gets the strength to move on and get the life he wants, he wants to make sure you do not forget about him in case he feels weak. It sounds selfish, but that is exactly how it usually happens. Sorry to break it to you. I would recommend start focusing on yourself and do it quickly. Have you looked for help? and i am not talking about a marriage counselor, I am talking about someone who can help YOU focus on YOU to get the strength to move on with or with out him.


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

BundleofGuilt said:


> I would recommend start focusing on yourself and do it quickly. Have you looked for help? and i am not talking about a marriage counselor, I am talking about someone who can help YOU focus on YOU to get the strength to move on with or with out him.


Ever since he said he wanted a divorce (of course backing off the decision) I've been a lot more focused on myself. I realized that even if things did work out between us we would be spending months apart. I knew I needed to take care of myself so I focused heavily on finding a job. Thankfully I just started my new job last week.

Plus, as I said in my post, I've been getting back to the things I love that I gave up like swing dancing and horseback riding. It wasn't until I did them again that I realized how much I'd missed them and I know I don't want to give them up again.

After he left I continued to see our marriage counselor individually. I had to stop when I moved in with my parents because of the distance but I'm starting with a new counselor tomorrow. Healing and strengthening myself is definitely a priority to me.


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

I agree that he is trying to move on. Being a jerk about it though... Starting new things but doesnt want to completely let you go. I would withdraw more and yes focus on yourself and your happiness first and foremost. Good luck


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

He is obviously also not condident in himself enough to just let you go and he has you on the backburner. He will never be happy unless he gets himself sorted out, so he will do this again and again...


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