# BUSY PARENTS: How do YOU keep the fire burning



## Mark P

After a long day at work it may be difficult for some of us to think of doing something meaningful for our relationship.

How do YOU keep the fire burning? 

What do you do to (re)connect in spite of busy schedules? I don't mean expensive vacations... I mean what you do at home, every day?

Thank you!


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## jld

Talk to each other.


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## meson

Always carve some time out of the day to talk or do something without the kids. We would do this right after the kids were put to bed for an hour or so.


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## SpinDaddy

jld said:


> Talk to each other.


Quite probably the single most important thing that can be done.

The physical element can ebb and flow, especially with young children and sleep deprivation. 

Maintaining the intellectual and emotional connection however, this is the thread that will carry you both through the good times, the bad times and the “meh” times.


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## Brandy905

The marriage was there before the kids, that has to be nourished first. To do that you have to take care of yourself first. When the kids were younger, once in a while one person would take the kids to their activities etc to give the other alone down time to do something for themselves. Even if one night every other week. You and your wife need to take care of yourselves before anyone else. Then you will be a better person for it which will improve other aspects. Make sure the two of you have regular time alone without the kids too. You can take the kids to the park and you & your wife can sit and talk on a bench as you watch them. It can be after they go to bed or if you have to get up an hour earlier and sit down and have a quiet breakfast with your wife, simple things like this can make the biggest difference.


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## SimplyAmorous

I don't know if we would classify as "*BUSY*" ... but we have kids...(5 still at home - 1 flew the nest).. 

He works full time...I work about 10 hrs a week during his working hours.. We live a pretty simple lifestyle.. Running our kids around, their activities keep us hopping...but really..we're both geared more Homebody-ish...

Husband purposely has his 2 days off on weekdays -which gives us even more alone time...when the kids are in school.. 

I get what's needed done on the home front....all cleaning, cooking, bill paying , scheduling during his work hours.. so when he gets home... it's US & family time... his nights being OPEN for whatever may come...unless he has something to work on.. Often we shop together too- when dropping daughter off for Gymnastics practice, it's a good time to run to the Grocery store.... 

Even going to kid events... I guess I still feel it's "US time" sitting in the bleachers cheering them on ...










We enjoy a full house....they do their thing, often having friends over /spending the night ...so long as they are good kids, not trouble makers, I say "the more the merrier!"...Just gotta feed them , and they're happy!... and we do our thing.. the youngest is 8 now.. I think having a larger family is easier somehow as they play together ....

*JLD* mentioned *communication*.. Yes... how very very important.. When he comes home...he'll tell me of his day, often he'll have a funny story of one of the guys, the antics of his Boss....(I ask many times!).. .the kids bring plenty of interesting topics up too & we jump into those conversations... We're a pretty OPEN bunch.. no subject is taboo or off the table.... it brings us all closer.. so enjoy the "bantering"...









In the warmer months...sometimes I'll be outside sitting on the swing under the Gazebo when he pulls in the drive.....he'll walk over...and we'll shoot the breeze till we go in to supper..sometimes I bring it outside even.. 
Every night.. we shut the kids out, doors locked.... for our private time...  ....often we'll catch a movie cuddling together.....sometimes we make love before we go to sleep, sometimes hours into the night...he tells me to wake him up ...or we'll catch a quickie before his alarm goes off.. 

Our sex life is very important to both of us.. it's something I didn't always put enough emphasis on .. .I've lived & learned here.. and we're both all the more happy for it..


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## Brandy905

SimplyAmorous said:


> We enjoy a full house....they do their thing, often having friends over /spending the night ...so long as they are good kids, not trouble makers, I say "*the more the merrier*!"...Just gotta *feed them *, and they're happy!... and we do our thing.. the youngest is 8 now.. I think having a larger family is easier somehow as they play together ....


:iagree:

We have 5 kids, a bit older now with 4 at home and we both work full time and this is still true!


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## michzz

Sit together on patio next to the cheap firepit we got at Lowe's.


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## bbqbeefkake

Hit the Love languages that she cares about. 

Consistent non sexual touch, text or call during day and in person words of affirmation ,acts of service and being a champ even when tired for whatever blows the Mrs. hair back.

AKA not using "busy" as an excuse to be a lousy spouse. I wont go there because it was done to me at times and I hated that, we worked it out and I will never do it back.


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## mpgunner

Kids get busy too. When they are busy sneak away and try not to make too much noise or rock the bed too loudly...


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## MEM2020

Nights begin the same.

Come in the door - without cell phone glued to ear

Peripheral vision shuts off - rest of world disappears. 

Big smile - eye contact - warm hello - *long full body hug. 
*

Soft kiss for a few seconds. Not a peck. Not a french kiss. 

Now and then the hug becomes a playful dip - broken up by laughter. 










Mark P said:


> After a long day at work it may be difficult for some of us to think of doing something meaningful for our relationship.
> 
> How do YOU keep the fire burning?
> 
> What do you do to (re)connect in spite of busy schedules? I don't mean expensive vacations... I mean what you do at home, every day?
> 
> Thank you!


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE

I walk in the door.
Grab my wife. Smell her hair and tell her she smells like the most precious thing in the world. 
Kiss her on the neck. 
Hold her for about a minute.
Then I get my glass of tea. We sit down and talk for about 10 minutes. Then we start the nightly routine of what must get done.
When that is through we sit down and talk/half watch tv, but mostly talk. 
While discussing other things one of us will look at the other one and say "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" or something equally cheesy.


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## Jeffyboy

Find each other's love language and think about how to incorporate it into a daily ritual.


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

Hmmm...given my 24 hour on/48 hour off schedule and wifey's RN job, there is seldom time for just us. We've managed to keep things going forward in a positive manner by first learning to respect one another and by me adjusting to her Shenanigans (for further, if really want to, see my other threads..don't wanna give a background in someone else's thread) and stopping her attention-seeking behavior when it begins.

Second, we, myself, or W basically tend to the child(ren) during the daytime hours based on the work schedules we have. When they go off to sleep, we decompress and discuss our day along with the upcoming things, chores, etc... that need to be done the next day, week, month, and so on. Once a month we work on our budget for the next month and review our financial well-being. We have a plan for the future to retire with dignity by planning for the future and mapping-out what our future will look like, based on wants and needs, when the children leave the nest.

Third, we tackle most household chores together when we are both home. If I'm mowing the lawn, she is weed whacking. If she is cooking, I set the table and wash dishes as she goes. And so on... This allows us to accomplish household tasks that much faster giving us a little extra time together later vs. doing things when the children are asleep. 

Fourth, the time spent after child(ren) go to sleep (see "Second") isn't always spent discussing or planning an efficient household or working on our saving and investment portfolio(s). Sometimes it's ****tails on the deck, other times it's curling-up on the couch to watch a movie. It's pretty much anything goes for that block of time, but during that time it is our time and NOT when I watch the game or she does her hobbies as we spend enough time apart when I'm away for 24 hours or more or she's working that our hobbies and things we enjoy alone have time to take place separate from the time we enjoy together.

Fifth, given my work schedule, every day I take off gives me five calendar days where I can play Mister Mom if my wife works. If she is also on time off, we co-parent and this is when we go on mini-vacations, to the pool, museums, etc... This makes us both happy as infertility was an issue with us along with health issues with the kiddos. The children define us and we couldn't be any happier then when we have joint family time together for more than a day or two!! This also leads to better and more exciting times (you know what I mean) during that little time we cherish once the child(ren) go to bed  . 

Sixth, we both have lives outside of the home. I am a Chicago Bears season ticket holder, Blackhawks fan, White Sox fan, and Bulls fan. I and my friends, and sometimes work friends, attend the sporting events from time-to-time. I take my children to the Bears games along with my wife at times also. We tailgate and walk the lakeshore as a family unit when we go as opposed to maybe doing something different if I go with friends to the game. My W has the freedom to do things with her friends as well as long as I know what she will be doing and with whom (there is a backstory that explains my insecurity, not being done without a reason). My point is that we can both do things during our time, or time when we both have off of work, if we so choose. We have never had an imbalance of one or the other spending too much time away from each other or the family that it has been an issue.


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## jmiller2020

I feel like the best advice for keeping the fire burning is to never stop dating. My husband and I still try for each other and do the little things that tend to be forgotten once the courtship is over. After children, careers, and a home mortgage sometimes the person your partner fell in love with can get lost in the mix, but as much as I can, I try to remember who my husband chose to spend the rest of his life with. That means when I know that I could trip off on my PMS hormones I remind myself that he didn't sign up for that nor does he deserve to be treated differently.

We flirt, we play, and we appreciate each other. When we can't find a sitter yet we really need to cut loose we throw two person house party and let our 'hair' down 

We have lost people very close to us and so we don't take life for granted. That means when we part for work we say good-bye knowing in the back of our minds, this could be our last kiss. Then when we reunite at night we are so grateful that we are home safe and that we get one more night together. Seriously this could be interpreted as morbid or vomit worthy based on how sappy it sounds (believe me I get it) but that is honest to God what I think keeps it real for us, we just don't forget how precious the time is that we do have with each other. 

I mean when you are head over heels in love with your partner and actually like hanging out, 80 years just doesn't seem long enough. I want to make sure that I don't waste any amount of time that we have with each other.

Another thing is to keep your priorities in check. If you are like me and love and family time are high on your list then don't put anything else in front of those two priorities (no matter how important you think it may be [clearing throat] like work). :smthumbup:


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## Fitnessfan

OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE said:


> I walk in the door.
> Grab my wife. Smell her hair and tell her she smells like the most precious thing in the world.
> Kiss her on the neck.
> Hold her for about a minute.
> Then I get my glass of tea. We sit down and talk for about 10 minutes. Then we start the nightly routine of what must get done.
> When that is through we sit down and talk/half watch tv, but mostly talk.
> While discussing other things one of us will look at the other one and say "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" or something equally cheesy.



I love this.


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## EllisRedding

This has been a huge challenge for my wife and I with 3 kids (7, 5, almost 2). In particular the 2 yr old daughter has given us a run for our money these past two years, but i think we are slowly starting to come out of the dungeon ... 

Fortunately we have never had issues with the fire burning, just finding time to put it to good use. We still actually like each other, physical attraction has never been a problem, our personalities compliment each other nicely (Or as I like to think of it, I am just an all around easy guy to get along with ), and we work well together as a team. Currently, finding time alone together though has been rather difficult, and we are somewhat limited in our options. During the week I am out of the house from 5am-7pm. On Saturdays my two son's have sports (4 games between them of which I coach 3) so even though I am off from work I spend much of Saturday away from home and my wife. 

During the week it is usually hit or miss how much time together we can get (depends on when we get our daughter to sleep which can be anywhere b/w 9-10:30pm). I usually try to make it a point though to spend at least a few minutes before we go to bed curled up watching tv. If I find myself falling asleep in bed while waiting for my wife to come in from putting our daughter to sleep, I will actually spread myself out across the entire bed so she has to wake me up in order to get in lol. 

Also, in the past I would usually take days off from work when the kids were home from school. Now I try to do the opposite, take a day here and there when all the kids are at school so my wife and I can have alone time, which translates into bedroom activities followed by a lunch date 

Right now though I find it is more important to do the little things to stay connected (a surprise kiss, hugs, quick massages, etc...)


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## Yeswecan

Mark P said:


> After a long day at work it may be difficult for some of us to think of doing something meaningful for our relationship.
> 
> How do YOU keep the fire burning?
> 
> What do you do to (re)connect in spite of busy schedules? I don't mean expensive vacations... I mean what you do at home, every day?
> 
> Thank you!


Mark P,

We have breakfast together every morning. Keep in mind at 0700 I drop our daughter at school and return home for breakfast with my W. At that time(we are alone), I hold, kiss and talk with my W over breakfast. Our eldest daughter lives at home and goes to the local college. 

During the day we text(sext) often. We do this everyday. It keeps your engine warm if you catch my drift. 

Dinner is together. I help cook or do all the cleaning. Depends. Sometimes on the way home I grab flowers. Flowers go a long way! I will leave notes around for her to find. 

After all is done we retire to the bedroom and watch TV. At this time the days sexting leads to good times. 

We rinse and repeat this all week. Sex is 3-4 times per week.


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## Ihateusernames

Mark P said:


> After a long day at work it may be difficult for some of us to think of doing something meaningful for our relationship.
> 
> How do YOU keep the fire burning?
> 
> What do you do to (re)connect in spite of busy schedules? I don't mean expensive vacations... I mean what you do at home, every day?
> 
> Thank you!



At risk of sounding like a lush... we have a drink together and dish about the day and give each other space to get it out. Then we move on with our conversation to better things.


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