# Parents are against me divorcing my husband



## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Hello, 

I've been married 10 years and have 2 boys (10 and 6). I am in the process of divorcing my husband due to his passive aggressive behaviour. The problem is my family think he is the perfect husband. 

When I first told my mum I wanted to divorce him she silently listened to all my reasons and said nothing. A few days later she calls me up crying hysterically down the phone, telling me to think about her and my dad who is old and will get sick after hearing this news. That her relationship with my mother in law would be ruined. I didn't handle it so well. I shouted at her that I wouldn't divorce him and told her to never bring this up with me again and I hung up on her.

After that I tried playing happy families with my husband and gave up all plans to leave him because of her. 8 months later I could feel myself slipping into depression and slowly going crazy so I moved out into my own place with the kids without telling my parents.

A few weeks later my son gets admitted to hospital with an asthma attack. The day he's released from hospital my mother calls me. She tells me that the asthma attack was my fault because I moved out. I handle this slightly better than last time. I'm still raising my voice but have control over my facilities. I tell her it's not very nice for her to say that since I'm kind of stressed right now and she tells me how disrespectful it is for me to shout at her like I did last time.

That is the background. My problem now is my husband has gone on the charm offensive with my family. Reassuring them with I don't know what. He went to speak to my parents without telling me and now my mother thinks that I refused to go meet them with him. He spoke to my brother and after when my brother spoke to me he wasn't interested in hearing my reasons but told me he wanted to stay friends with him if we divorced.

I feel isolated and hurt. I think the only way I'm going to be able to deal with my family is to reduce contact with them. I know they will say hurtful things (more then they have already) and I'm steeling myself for that.

As crazy as it sounds I feel I am in competition with my husband to win over my family. 

Is there another way I can approach this? Does anyone have any suggestions? I still love them but being around them is difficult at the moment.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

What all did you guys try to save the marriage?


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

I first voiced my unhappiness two years ago. But my husband refuses to talk about his behaviour. I've tried counselling - he refused to go. I tried getting his brother to mediate between us - he refused to talk to him about our marriage. I've tried on numerous occasions to talk about how his behaviour has upset me. But he just shouts, blameshifts, gaslights and plain out lies. This is extremely emotionally draining for me and each conversation I've had with him further convinced me I'm making the right decision.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How old is he?


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

We are both 34.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

1st marriage for both?


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Yes.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

so.... what is it he is upset about besides the divorce.

And maybe a more important question...

Why does your Mom consider him a perfect husband?

and

Why do you not consider him a perfect husband?


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

You mean with our marriage? He says he's been trying - buying gifts for me, helping more with the kids, but that I have ignored all this. And I agree he has done a total 180 with the kids. He is now there for them. But for me the issues remain. For 10 years I have lived in a marriage with a person who has shown no empathy for me and has treated me cruelly. He cannot see this. And I cannot live with him because of that.

He says I'm being proud and arrogant for leaving him. I'm not. It's self presevation.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Can you give an example of his lack of empathy and cruel treatment?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If he's trying to develop a schism between you and your family, and trying to make himself into the unsung hero at the same time, it's a precursor to abuse. Separate, isolate, abuse.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

The last memorable example was in Oct-2012. I was 10 weeks pregnant and started bleeding. I did not miscarry until 1 month later. During this time my husband and I had an argument. He gave me the silent treatment for weeks as punishment for angering him. He said he didn't care if me or the baby died. The day of the actual miscarriage I was on route picking up the kids from school. I phoned him and told him what was happening. He did not come home until late. He came home and proceeded to shout at me for complaining about the takeout he had brought home. I went to the hospital around 6-7 times during this period. He came with me once. I have never felt so alone in my life.

After that I started distancing myself from him. Self preservation.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OMG. I'm so sorry for the miscarriage. 
And he's an ass for that kind of treatment. Narcissist.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> If he's trying to develop a schism between you and your family, and trying to make himself into the unsung hero at the same time, it's a precursor to abuse. Separate, isolate, abuse.


He keeps saying he's not but his actions speak otherwise. 

The funny thing is he became a lot more reasonable about the divorce when I started saying that the breakdown of the marriage is not because of his actions - it's because we can't communicate.

I think he doesn't like to lose or be the bad guy and me divorcing him is making him both those things.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your leaving him takes away his control, which he won't like one bit.

At the end of the day, it's your life and your decision. Your family's thoughts on the matter are irrelevant. You teach people how to treat you and if your family keeps spewing their feelings on the divorce at you, you'll need to distance yourself from them until they get the hint.

Just refuse to discuss it with them - it's NONE of their business.

If you honestly feel in your heart that you've tried everything possible to save your marriage, and are at peace with that, then that's ALL you need to know.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

skadoosh said:


> The last memorable example was in Oct-2012. I'm surprised it has been that longI was 10 weeks pregnant and started bleeding. I did not miscarry until 1 month later. Deeply sorryDuring this time my husband and I had an argument.about? He gave me the silent treatment for weeks as punishment for angering him.totally unacceptable. What was he angry at? He said he didn't care if me or the baby died. Very cruelThe day of the actual miscarriage I was on route picking up the kids from school. I phoned him and told him what was happening. He did not come home until late. He came home and proceeded to shout at me for complaining about the takeout he had brought home.doesnt feel good enough I went to the hospital around 6-7 times during this period. He came with me once. I have never felt so alone in my life.where was he
> 
> After that I started distancing myself from him. Self preservation.


Understandable. How did he react to divorce news and how far into the process are you?


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Understandable. How did he react to divorce news and how far into the process are you?


It was a long time ago. But since then I have been detaching from him. Stopped 'angering' him. No serious conversation. Very little casual conversation. No touching or affection (never in 10 years), occasional sex. And he was happy like that. 

Our argument was about me finding a receipt for a whip from a sex shop. I accused him of cheating. It was a leaving present for a female colleague at work as a joke.

Where was he? At work. Not with me.

We separated 8 months ago. In the process of speaking to a mediator to resolve finances. Once this is done I am gone.

How did he react? That if I want to divorce then that's my choice. But he has been excruciatingly dragging his feet and I feel doing things behind my back. Like going to speak to my family without me. And agreeing to pay me a share of our property and then later saying he wouldn't give me that amount. I can feel that he is manipulating me to pressure me into not divorcing him.

I want out. I still want a relationship with my family.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Your leaving him takes away his control, which he won't like one bit.
> 
> At the end of the day, it's your life and your decision. Your family's thoughts on the matter are irrelevant. You teach people how to treat you and if your family keeps spewing their feelings on the divorce at you, you'll need to distance yourself from them until they get the hint.
> 
> ...


I know this is what I need to do. But what I'm finding difficult is that I kept most of my issues with my husband from them. Well I did try to discuss with my mother in the past but she never wanted to hear me so I stopped. 

From their point of view he is the perfect husband and they can't understand why I would want to divorce him. My father wants to know why. I find it difficult to tell him its none of his business. I come from a south asian culture where divorce is frowned upon. Unless he is beating me, cheating (and perhaps not even then) I have no ground for divorce. Emotional abuse? pfft- what is that?


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

If you are coming from south Asian culture, then behavior of your parents is norm rather than exception. Divorce being cultural stigma, they probably going to view your divorce as their humiliation, It doesn't matter if they are first generation or second generation. In friend circle or community it will be perceived as their failure hence reluctance to give you a support.

They will eventually come around, but that's going to take lot of time.Even then there are going to be subtle innuendos about how divorce was a mistake.

Was yours arranged marriage? If husband is from same culture (caste etc), then your parents going to view him in positive light as they don't know about hidden realities in marriage if he's diplomatic while dealing with them.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Is husband at work during pregnancy stuff the norm too as well as no affection in your culture?

If you were here in America I would say they will come around, but like Wolf9 says, its no guarantee there. Its is possible, but the probability is lower.

He is dragging his feet because its an embarrassment to him. She is using emotional blackmail to influence you. If you say to her, Mom, you are using emotional blackmail and that is not ok, how would she react?

So parents and hubby are all operating from a place of pride and shame.

She wouldn't validate your concerns since it would encourage divorce.

What is the divorce rate there?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

After reading an article about South Asian marriages I can see now why they feel he is a perfect husband, because compared to the violent atrocities seen otherwise in your culture towards married women he looks like a saint. 

So I will say this... You will have to be gracious with their perspective. They love you and are doing their best. Acknowledge that to them, but also begin to educate them about verbal violence, its different forms. Let them know you love them and you know that right now you don't see eye to eye and thats ok. You can be patient as they learn.

You will win this battle with love, respect and clear CALM communication.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Your leaving him takes away his control, which he won't like one bit.


BING-effing-GO. :iagree:

And that's a sure quality of an abuser.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Wolf9 said:


> If you are coming from south Asian culture, then behavior of your parents is norm rather than exception. Divorce being cultural stigma, they probably going to view your divorce as their humiliation, It doesn't matter if they are first generation or second generation. In friend circle or community it will be perceived as their failure hence reluctance to give you a support.
> 
> They will eventually come around, but that's going to take lot of time.Even then there are going to be subtle innuendos about how divorce was a mistake.
> 
> Was yours arranged marriage? If husband is from same culture (caste etc), then your parents going to view him in positive light as they don't know about hidden realities in marriage if he's diplomatic while dealing with them.


Yes you are right about this. We didn't have an arranged marriage but we are both south asian and have the same culture. 

My mother told my sister 'she chose her own husband so she should stay in the marriage'.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Is husband at work during pregnancy stuff the norm too as well as no affection in your culture?
> 
> If you were here in America I would say they will come around, but like Wolf9 says, its no guarantee there. Its is possible, but the probability is lower.
> 
> ...


Before I had my first son my husband used to skive off work all the time - take days off, go in late. As soon as I had the baby BAM! he was in the office every day working late. We don't tend to show affection in public but tbh my husband showed me more consideration in front of people then he ever showed me in private.

How would my mum react? "What is 'emotional blackmail'? You do not understand what I'm saying. You have taken it the wrong way" and then would proceed to emotionally blackmail me some more.

Not sure of the divorce rate. Sorry.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> So I will say this... You will have to be gracious with their perspective. They love you and are doing their best. Acknowledge that to them, but also begin to educate them about verbal violence, its different forms. Let them know you love them and you know that right now you don't see eye to eye and thats ok. You can be patient as they learn.
> 
> You will win this battle with love, respect and clear CALM communication.


This is what I want. But difficult to achieve. 

I spoke to my mum today and she wants to go visit my mother in law for a social call. What do I do here? Not say anything and let my mum be friends with my MIL? (btw I don't get on with MIL and my mum knows that).

Oh and it's my birthday today and she didn't remember.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Well happy birthday wishes from here, anyway!


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Well happy birthday wishes from here, anyway!


Thank you kind stranger on the internet


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

skadoosh said:


> This is what I want. But difficult to achieve.
> 
> I spoke to my mum today and she wants to go visit my mother in law for a social call. What do I do here? Not say anything and let my mum be friends with my MIL? (btw I don't get on with MIL and my mum knows that).
> 
> Oh and it's my birthday today and she didn't remember.


Happy Birthday Sweetie....

Keep your calm... speak your truth through calmness and offer resources to help them understand and if they don't understand... that's not on you.

I have MANY books in my signature link that will help educate them how to recognize abuse.

Acknowledge to them that this is a difficult time, but respectfully disagree with them.


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## ladyyoda (Apr 24, 2015)

Read the book "Toxic parents". It will shed light on your relationship with your family. And why you put up with your husband.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

skadoosh said:


> Hello,
> 
> I've been married 10 years and have 2 boys (10 and 6). I am in the process of divorcing my husband due to his passive aggressive behaviour. The problem is my family think he is the perfect husband.
> 
> ...


He does NOT get to take your family away from you. They are your parents and siblings and you need their support.

Have a family meeting. Face to face, no lies. Tell it like it is, in front of them, with your husband present. Hopefully they will see through the facade. But if you tell them one piece of information, and he tells them another, without all of you together in the room, then it's much trickier and he might be able to fool them.

Sorry you are going through this. To divorce or not divorce is your decision, and it's a stressful enough experience that requires our family's support. You shouldn't feel like they don't listen to you or aren't there for you.


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