# How to Pick and Choose Battles



## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

My wife and I have had conflicts and issues to deal with over the years as do most marriages. During the past year, we have worked extra hard to deal with some lingering problems. For a long time, there was a breakdown in communication which has recently improved greatly. We're certainly being much more open with one another rather than bottling up our concerns as we had been doing in the past. We are now having far more good days where we meet one another's emotional and physical needs. The problem is, on the bad days, we regress and tend to forget about the other person's feelings. This has exploded on a couple of occasions during the past couple of weeks. When this happens, it feels like everything we've done to make things better crumbles to the ground. Some days, I look at my wife and she has an annoyed expression on her face (and for no apparent reason). Her tone with me is much different on these occasions as well. One side of me says, "why should I be nice to her if she's going to act like this to me?" The other side says, "suck it up and keep doing the little things she likes…it will all pass and get better." The problem is, it doesn't pass on its own and she keeps acting this way until I say something. Once something is said, an argument ensues and we end up having to put the pieces back together. It feels like this cuts a chunk of my heart out each time it happens. The last time we argued, she told me she was sick of me bringing this stuff up all the time and that she couldn't do it anymore. I feel like I'm at a crossroads now. I've used up all of my lifelines. Either I accept things the way they are or prepare for a battle that may have an unhappy ending.

By the way, I've done counseling in the past but my wife won't go. I think she has issues about sharing our problems with others. She thinks we are intelligent enough people to work things out on our own. 

We've been married for nearly 20 years and have the best times together when things are going well (which is most of the time). I'm just wondering if I should keep my mouth shut from now on when things aren't going so well and hope that the storm cloud passes quickly. It just doesn't seem right for a marriage like ours to potentially end when the good times are so good.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

It depends on what the issues are that you are talking about. Are they deal breakers, or just little annoyances? No matter what, timing and tone are everything...in the midst of a disagreement is usually the worst time to bring up everything else. If you're mad about the laundry, for example, keep it to the laundry, even IF you have a whole list running in your head. For those things, its better to pick a less emotionally charged time to bring them up. 

Maybe some days, she is just annoyed. We all get that way, and sometimes, someone assuming its about them just makes us feel worse. It's a shame that she won't attend counseling, it sounds like you could use some help in the communication department!


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

My wife just seems to have her days when she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. On these occasions, she's annoyed by the simple sight of me. It's almost like she'll listen for things I say just so that she can disagree with me. When this happens, the snowball grows until it's an all out avalanch. Maybe I just need to learn to stay clear of her on these days. Problem is, she logs this stuff in her memory bank and recalls it later on when we have a full-blown argument.

I admit that I try to read too much into this stuff. I've often wondered if she no longer loves me or no longer finds me physically attractive.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im like this all the time. some days i just wake up and my h pisses me off no matter what he does. i just wanna pick a fight. 

im sexually frustrated. i dont know if that's your wife's problem, but this is usually the root of all my 'bad days.'


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Blanca said:


> im like this all the time. some days i just wake up and my h pisses me off no matter what he does. i just wanna pick a fight.
> 
> im sexually frustrated. i dont know if that's your wife's problem, but this is usually the root of all my 'bad days.'


So when you're pissed at your husband, what's the best remedy? Sex? Avoidance? Communication?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nwguy111 said:


> So when you're pissed at your husband, what's the best remedy? Sex? Avoidance? Communication?


i dont know...lol. i think some days i just like to fight. its usually a passive aggressive way to express repressed emotion, so when i get that way, i dont think there's anything that can be done in the moment to help. it really has to be a long term commitment to change a lot of things- from both people.

i dont think ive been that way for awhile, but my H has changed a lot. he apologizes all the time now. i feel more comfortable expressing my hurt instead of my anger. and for the most part, i feel like he actually cares. when i get upset he asks me, "how did my actions make you feel?" and "what do you need from me?" That disarms me completely. 

but ive changed, too. i try not to play the martyr or see my H as an object of my happiness. i try not to be accusatory or disregard his side of things. 

so it really wasnt anything that was done in the moment, its really been both of working at it for awhile.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Just an idea... maybe you two could try reading the love dare together... it seems like for the most part you and your wife have a good relationship, but maybe you just need something to put the spark back into it...


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

At some point, if you can't work things out on your own then perhaps it's time to get outside help. However, it's a good sign that most of your days are "good days..." But the damage you can do to each other when things aren't going well can have long lasting effects - a build up of resentment, which is toxic to relationships.

If she's not willing to go to couples counseling with you, at least be mindful of the following (and share it with her too); the most well known couples researcher out there, John Gottman, has determined through studies that couples who divorce are more likely to have the following going on in their marriages:


Criticism
Contempt
Stonewalling
Defensiveness

At the very least - work on decreasing these behaviors.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

lisakifttherapy said:


> At some point, if you can't work things out on your own then perhaps it's time to get outside help. However, it's a good sign that most of your days are "good days..." But the damage you can do to each other when things aren't going well can have long lasting effects - a build up of resentment, which is toxic to relationships.
> 
> If she's not willing to go to couples counseling with you, at least be mindful of the following (and share it with her too); the most well known couples researcher out there, John Gottman, has determined through studies that couples who divorce are more likely to have the following going on in their marriages:
> 
> ...


This is great information. I'm a proponent of counseling and prepared to go that route if need be regardless of my wife's opinion. Thanks!


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