# It seems my marriage may be over and I don't know what to do....long long post



## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

This is long, I apologise, I just thought all of the details would be better for advice. Here goes:



I need some advice people. I’m not sure what to do or where to go from here. A bit of background first, I’m 26 and my husband is 27, we have been together for 8 ½ years now and married for just over a year. There is no such thing as a perfect couple, however we have always been pretty damn close. My husband and I have spent 8 ½ years together with the odd fight, we honestly don’t argue, we agree on most things or talk things through, we had had maybe 4 big fights in our entire relationship and a few little bickers here and there but nothing serious. We moved in together 9 months after getting together since. We took a year out together to go travelling and as well as this we have enjoyed numerous extravagant holidays in fact we’ve just recently returned from 3 weeks travelling South America with some friends, basically we have lived our dreams together. Our envisagement for our future has always been the same, marriage, kids (eventually), move to New Zealand, everything we have just shared the same hopes and dreams for our future and have always just enjoyed each others company and made each other laugh etc. Recently this has all changed, now I’ll give you an insight into the present. We have lots of friends but we’re particularly close to my friends which includes another couple, a single guy and a single girl, in fact it was the other couple and the single girl that we went to on a 3 week holiday of a lifetime with recently, anyway I’m rambling. My husband and the single girl have a lot in common and since we married they have become really good friends (fine with me), however, it started getting a bit excessive, when they were together I’d be kind of ignored and then they started texting each other lots of times a day (it would only be silly stuff like to watch a certain programme on TV or something they had just seen on TV etc..etc..) but I just started thinking, this is a bit weird, I know I wouldn’t text another womans husband like this but then our friend has never had a boyfriend so I guess she doesn’t really understand what is acceptable/unacceptable because she’s never been in that situation. 



Anyway, this carried on and I became increasingly weary of the situation (I think in some ways I know my husband better than he knows himself). I approached him time and time again, about this friendship (que the fights), each time he would say that they’re just friends, and each time I would say I understood that but could they both put themselves in my position and appreciate the fact that I’m his wife, he’d say he would try and be more considerate when she was around etc etc and sometimes it would be ok for a while but then they would slip back into the old routeine and we’d end up having the same argument all over again. Their friendship was pushing me and my husband apart, we didn’t seem to have anything to talk about anymore (maybe partly because I was resentful and maybe partly because he was focused so much on his friendship with her), I don’t know, but slowly we were drifting apart which was why I kept re-approaching the situation. Anyway, a month ago on a night out we had a fight, it was only something stupid and nothing to do with the problems we had been having, but we ended up making our way home, when we got in it must have been drunken subconscious because I just blurted out are you in love with ****** and he replies ‘I don’t know’. We talked, faught, went to sleep and I got up the next morning and wrote him a letter asking for him to choose between his marriage and our friend, he chose me, but I just couldn’t handle what had happened and needed to get away, for the next 2 nights I stayed between his parents and my parents and then I said I was coming home which is when the second blow came…he told me he didn’t feel the same as he used to about me. I was heartbroken, I went to my Mum’s the next day and stayed there for 2 nights but then again we arranged to meet and I begged for him to give us another chance without our friend in our lives for him to concentrate on us. Before you ask, nothing has and ever will happen with them, our friend is heartbroken that this has happened and doesn’t feel remotely the same, she has never thought of him like that he’s just always been her friend who she shares the same sense of humour with, she honestly doesn’t even believe that he does feel this way she thinks he’s just confused. 



Anwyay after much pleading I went back home with my husband and we were trying to make it work but it just didn’t feel right, if anything it felt like I was the one making all of the effort and he just didn’t seem like he knew if he wanted to be with me anymore, he just kept saying that he didn’t want to be with anyone and that he had been unhappy for a while, he said that he loves me, although he’s doesn’t feel in love with me anymroe and no one can ever replace me but he just doesn’t know what he wants at the moment (I can honestly say that there was absolutely no way on this earth that before he got so close to our friend that he was unhappy, I was his whole world, he absolutely doted on me, I think that he was just so focused on their friendship that he forgot about me and thought of us as a negative thing), so we agreed that maybe a trial seperation would be a good idea to give him time to miss me (slightly hard because we work in the same company one desk away from each other so see each other every day) but I have cut all contact, no texting/emailing etc to give him the chance to really miss me, so I am currently back at my parents house. 



After he had admitted to me that he had developed feelings for our friend he text her saying that they shouldn’t be friends anymore but then on Tuesday he told me that he had seen her the night before, he had arranged to meet because he missed her and wanted to check that she was ok and she agreed because ultimately she doesn’t want to fall out with anyone. Apparantly according to both parties the meeting went horribly, they didn’t have anything to say to one another, it wasn’t like old times, it was awkward and forced and they didn’t agree to meet again at this point as it wasn’t easy to forget what had been said for either of them. My problem with this though is, what about me? I’ve been away from our marital home for almost a week now, talking on and off only when its regarding money/necessary or a brief hello in work and I’ve had not so much as a phonecall to say I love you. I just don’t know what to do with myself now, I love my husband unconditionally, I really do, I am not bitter or angry, I can actually see how he has developed feelings for this girl (it’s the persuing it after I had made him aware of it that hurts me more than it actually happening), but anyway, I absolutely adore my husband and I am willing to move on and make our marriage work, I married my husband because I want to spend the rest of my life with him not for a measly year. I had my week where I couldn’t eat or sleep, took time off work and moped about crying all fo the time but now I’m getting on with my life, I get up and go to work and I busy myself of an evening/weekend with friends, I don’t NEED my husband in my life to be happy, I WANT him in my life and he enhances my happiness. I never want anyone else and even if I even remotely thought about being with someone else in the future I wouldn’t want to marry again because I meant my vows the first time so how would I say them again to someone else, and I could never imagine being able to give myself fully to someone else when I had my perfect life partner and that deteriorated so how would I risk my heart being broken all over again and how could I love someone else like I love my husband? I’m not perfect but I am a good wife, I enjoy to cook, we share the other chores in the house, we have a stable financial situation where we can enjoy lots of holidays and we’re often out with friends and we also make the effort to go out the two of us and do a ‘surprise’ date for each other once a month, we really do enjoy a nice life and he couldn’t ask for someone who would do more for him and love him more than I do. I love his family like they are my own and my family love him, he just seems to be throwing away something so close to perfect for nothing. He tells me I’m perfect and I’ve never done anything wrong and that I shouldn’t change one bit, and that he doesn’t want anyone else (especially our friend…good Lord his Mum would disown him if he even contemplated that anyway) so why would he even remotely want to change all this and risk our whole future for the unknown? 



I just feel like everything is such a mess, I wanted the perfect little family to be married then have a lovely little family but now all of those hopes and dreams are being shattered too, I would love a family but I just can’t see that ever happening now, I wanted my husband to be the father of my children but I will never marry again and I don’t want anyone else to father my children. It’s all such a mess, and I don’t know where to go from here, do I take the plunge and move on (not relationship wise), just move on as in move out of my parents (I’m looking at doing a house share with some friends) in the hopes that it will make him realise that my life won’t stand still for him but also with the risk of getting to the point where even if he does realise that he wants me back I’ll be too guarded then to let him back into my life or do I stay at my parents at a stand still (but still going out and having ‘fun’) but keep the hope so that I’ll be open to a reconciliation if and when the time comes?



We are currently at the stage where we have both agreed to counselling and to stay seperated until we know whether this is going to help and we are going to just see if his feelings change but in the mean time I’m supposed to just wonder why hasn’t he realised yet, why does it take this long to think, oh god what am I doing I have the best wife I could have wished for and I want her back. It’s just killing me. 



I need to reiterate that nothing has happened with this other girl, I know this for sure, over the months where I had my problems with their friendship I (wrongfully I know) checked his phone and the text messages were honesly innocent, it was the reasons for the texting on his behalf that has made this scenario a problem.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Hi there, and I'm sorry that you're feeling so awful right now. I know it seems like the end of the world for you, I know what that feels like. I can feel your dispair, your heartbreak, and your confusion. "What the heck happened with my life, my dreams?"

Well please do one thing. Don't rush off yet to buy a house, or move in with your friends. Tell him that you're still at your parents. Call and leave a message at home when you know he's at work and just say, I just wanted to let you know that I miss talking with you." Leave it at that. If he doesn't call back, it doesn't mean he's not hearing those words over and over again in his mind or heart. Sometimes guys are a little slow while thinking about things, and they may not be the first to rush up and exclaim their feelings. He's probably feeling awful and guilty for hurting you right now, and he's most likely walking around with his tail between his legs. Let him do that. If he believes the relationship was as perfect as you believe, then he will come around. He just needs to straighten out his thoughts, and realize that you are still there for him, EA or not. This is just my opinion but thought I'd share from a different perspective.
I hope all ends well for you. Sending you strength!!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know it feels like this is going on too long. You will need to be as patient as possible. You already have a healthy attitude as far as getting along. You are moving forward and not needy. That is very attractive to him.

Even though the OW wasn't physical...your H was still attached to her. That gave him a reason to think "if I loved my W so much, then why did I get attached to the OW?" He is questioning himself and the marriage right now. If indeed this OW has stepped back-great. If indeed she doesn't have feeling for him-great. However, I THINK she might have more than she is letting you know. 

Time and space and patience. Not fun. No rash decisions yet.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think Corpus hit this on the nose. With his attachment to her, and then the strife with you over it, he was overwhelmed with feelings he couldn't understand. 

I also agree about the other woman. She met with him when she knew she shouldn't. I'm glad it went horribly but they need to stay apart if he's going to make a good decision.

Like alyta said -- no big moves. No decisions on your part.

Do you love him? Do you want this to work out? If the answers are "yes" and "yes" you are going to have to give your husband time.

Be there, don't push. If you push, he'll only see parallels to the way it was when you were upset about this other woman. He just doesn't get that he crossed the line. He doesn't understand that he gave to her what was yours. He gave the best of himself to someone else. Some people don't understand how giving other people the best of yourself keeps you from giving the best to your spouse. It isn't just jealousy on the part of the spouse. It is an understanding that there is only so much of anything to go around. A guy who gets talked out with another woman arrives home talked out. There's no reason to desire intimacy for your wife if you've already satisfied your need for that kind of intimacy.

(Recognizing that intimacy doesn't equal sex, that is.)

For a lot of men in particular, the only kind of infidelity that they recognize is sexual. You may be dealing with one of those men. 

Counseling. He needs counseling with you.


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## endymion (Oct 1, 2009)

Devoted, reading your post is like a flipside to my current experience - in my case it's my W who has left me, in almost the exact same circumstances. We've only been separated for about 7 weeks, but of course after 10 years together it feels like an eternity.

The first thing that actually worked for me was space. Originally for the first week we were still occasionally emailing or we'd talk on the phone quickly, and it just made things worse. We met up about 2 weeks into our separation, and the meeting just ended up in us both getting upset and angry. So I visited this forum for the first time and took some advice I read here somewhere.

You need to take some space, which it sounds like you've started to do. My W and I are starting with a month - no phone, no email, no contact whatsoever. It hurts, A LOT, to realise that the person you love is not going to be part of your life for a complete month, but it's a good place to start. It gives you time to get a little past the purely emotional side of things, and start to see the reality. It'll also give your H a chance to think about what he's missing out on, and he won't feel like he's being pressured or hassled.

So yeah, every day I come home to an empty house, and it sucks. I miss my W, still love her more than anything. But I've gotten a bit of reality - and I've come to realise a couple of things. 

#1 - If we work it out now, I'll be a stronger person, and so will she. 

#2 - If it doesn't work out, at least this time apart has already begun to prepare me a little for that. 

And most important #3 - If I'd kept calling her and staying in contact daily with her, we would end up divorced, for sure. She, like your H, left for a reason, and I have to respect that, even though it felt originally like I was being torn apart.

I don't know if this will help, but keep looking though the forum, it had helped me a lot in the past few weeks. 

Good luck.


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## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

Thanks everyone for your replies and I agree totally with everything all of you have said and I am really trying. We only agreed part way through last week to stop emailing and texting for a while to give him his space/time to think but it was hard as there were a few little money issues we needed to discuss, but this week will be the start of our second week apart so I am aiming to not email or text at all from this week in the hopes that it helps him get his head together. One of my main problems with the space thing is that we work together (only a desk apart) so he still sees me everyday regardless as to whether we talk or not so the giving him chance to miss me thing is slightly harder said than done. I am really trying not to contact him though other than a friendly hello in passing in work, I don't text or email and have cut all other contact. Can the space thing still work if he's seeing me every day in work or is it going to be a lot harder for us since we're working together?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think everyone has given you great advice. I am betting that you are going to work this out - you sound great and I think it more then 50/50 he comes to his senses. 

When he does - going forward you need new ground rules. It absolutely is possible to be in love with your spouse and fall in love with someone else. Which is why I think people need to be honest about what they are thinking/feeling. 

I would say 3 times in 20 years my wife has had the start of an attraction for another guy. And in each case save one she just made the effort to avoid the guy. 

I had a couple cases like that and did the same. You know when you are falling for someone. And soon as it happens you need to just back away - or risk your marriage. If you start to back away immediately it is really not painful. 

About 6 years into my marriage - I met a woman at work. Everything was very good with my wife at the time. The woman at work - I met her on a trip - was sent to review her project. She and I totally clicked. I mean 100 percent. At least on a personality level. End of the day she is asking me to find a way to work on a project with her. The thing is I don't think she was flirting at all. I think she thought of me as this fun, funny smart man who also clearly thought the same of her. I don't think she desired me. Thing is she was physically very much my type. I knew that given 2 weeks I would fall in love with her in the classic - lose your mind - completely out of your head - sense. 

So when this delightful woman suggested finding a project to run together, I smiled and said - that would be really fun. 

I flew home the next morning, told my wife an honest version of the situation which I concluded with - I only want to be with you - only you - I want no distractions, no harm to come to our marriage. I will not see this woman again in the normal course of things and will make no effort to change the course of events. And my wonderful wife just thanked me for being honest, for being committed and that was that. And I never saw this woman again. We exchanged 2 emails for my project review - which was just me doing my job, she mentioned the idea of working together in an email - which I ignored and that was it. 










devotedandheartbrokenwife said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies and I agree totally with everything all of you have said and I am really trying. We only agreed part way through last week to stop emailing and texting for a while to give him his space/time to think but it was hard as there were a few little money issues we needed to discuss, but this week will be the start of our second week apart so I am aiming to not email or text at all from this week in the hopes that it helps him get his head together. One of my main problems with the space thing is that we work together (only a desk apart) so he still sees me everyday regardless as to whether we talk or not so the giving him chance to miss me thing is slightly harder said than done. I am really trying not to contact him though other than a friendly hello in passing in work, I don't text or email and have cut all other contact. Can the space thing still work if he's seeing me every day in work or is it going to be a lot harder for us since we're working together?


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## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

Update on what’s been happening since my last post. 



Saw my husband on way to bus stop this week (we work in the same office so it’s hard to avoid each other), he asked me to go for a coffee because he missed my company (good), we had a nice little chat and a laugh together (good), I had asked him not to talk about us and just enjoy his company so it was nice at first. Then he ruins it all by firstly saying that he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up that things are going to work out and to top that off he said that he doesn’t regret separating. I mean, there’s being honest and then there is just being plain hurtful. I walked out of the coffee shop after that. He phoned me that evening to apologise, he just doesn’t want to give me false hope. He did cry down the phone (first time apparently) but he’s just adamant that he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore, he loves me and says he always will but that there is nothing else there anymore (I just don’t understand how those feelings for someone after this long just disappear). Our mutual friend wasn’t mentioned at all other than when we were in the coffee shop he said that he had had no contact with her since he saw her last week. I really don’t think it’s about her anymore it’s more how he feels about me that is preventing us from sorting things out. He just keeps saying that I deserve someone who adores me and would do anything for me and he’s not that person anymore. He said that any problems we’ve had over the years we have been together have always been because of him and he hates that. He just keeps saying that I’m perfect and not to change. I told him that I don’t want anyone else and is it not my choice to make if I do not his and I told him that even if any problems we’ve had have been because of him and I still love him unconditionally he must have done a hell of a lot more right than wrong (which is true, he’s just been a typical man over the years, staying out later than he says he’s going to, he did have a little gambling problem but that was years ago and was over before it began but all in all he’s been a perfect partner and husband to me) but he just seems to have made up his mind. He asked me how will I ever trust him again, I didn’t know how to answer the only thing I could say was because I love him and I know he hasn’t done any of this intentionally. I asked him what does he want from a relationship because everything I have ever done has been for him, we communicate well, we have fun together, we make time for each other, our sex life is good, I just don’t know what more he thinks he’s going to get from another relationship. I will admit that things haven’t been perfect lately (communication mainly), we’ve just been pretty distant with each other and conversation has been forced but in my eyes that has been because he’s been focusing more on our mutual friend than me and I’ve been distant because I could see what was going on. Before all of this we got along so well and conversation flowed nice and easily. 



He said he still wants to go to counselling. I told him that as much as I would always want him in my life and that I would love for us to be friends if things didn’t work out that I would find it hard to be his friend if he just gives up on our marriage like this as I would lose a bit of respect for him for just walking away from what is supposed to be a life long commitment. 



I bought the book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and it is very good, right down to explaining that this feeling can cause the feelings of reading more into a friendship than it actually is (like the situation with our friend). It is giving me an insight into how he is feeling and I do feel very sorry for him, I just don’t know how he ended up feeling this way I really don’t. I have asked him to read it once I’ve finished and he hasn’t said no but he just seems to have made up his mind that his feelings are not going to change. We are still not making contact with each other (he decided this was the best approach for the time being during our conversation the other evening) but in the meantime I am left in limbo, hearing the words he’s saying (I don’t know if my feelings are ever going to be the same again) but also not being told it’s over for good. How do I make him realise that we’re good together and he’s throwing something special away while I have to give him space? I miss him so much it kills me. I just want to be snuggled up on our couch together.



I saw our friend yesterday and asked her to keep her distance if he texts and for her not to text him to give him time to get thoughts of her out of his head. She agreed and said that she only met with him so she doesn’t fall out with anyone but she’ll keep her distance from now on. I’m just so lost without him. He says I should be with someone else like it’s this easy thing, firstly the thought of being with anyone but him makes me feel sick and the thought of him being with anyone else makes me feel worse so how can he just so blatantly suggest it like it’s nothing?

I just feel so lost without him the days feel like years. I try and live in the present and just cope day by day but it's just so damn hard.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I really feel for you. It is so so painful when guys try to be 'nice' and hurt your feelings at the same time.

I am glad that you left when he started saying that stuff to you - it does not help to hear any of that. 

He can't have it both ways. he can't break up with you and be your 'friend'. 

That is just saying I'll take the parts of the relationship I want and leave you with the broken heart - it is not respecting your committment. 

And I am sorry but the "you deserve someone better than me..." line is also just rubbish... you deserve the love and commitment of the man you are married to. 

How is it that guys can try and make hurting your feelings so selfless? 

Having said all of that it is still early days for you guys - and the fact that he said he would go to counselling is a good sign - was this your idea or his? 

In answer to yur question "how do I make him see that we are good togther?" the short answer is 
"you can't"
but what you can do is prove to him that you can get on with your life without him 
I know it sounds counter-intuitive but being strong, not making unecessary contact and looking after yourself is a great technique which allows you to get on with life while also sending him a clear message that you are independent and aren't relying on him for your happiness...

I know your heart is breaking and it may feel like a game but it is a tried and true technique....

don't have any more emotional conversations if you can avoid it...unless you are with a counsellor - he may sound like he is making sense at the moment but who knows when these guys go 'off' they make about as much sense as a nusery rhyme....


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## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

> Having said all of that it is still early days for you guys - and the fact that he said he would go to counselling is a good sign - was this your idea or his?


We agreed before I left that we would try counselling. I don't know whether he is just going so that he can say that he tried or because he thinks/hopes it may help but either way I am hoping that it WILL help. Thank you for your reply.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You're welcome 
take care
K


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Does he sound like a "Nice Guy" or what???


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## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

dobo said:


> Does he sound like a "Nice Guy" or what???


He really is. That's the problem. He's the most beautiful person I could have ever wished for a husband and I am proud that I have been his wife even if only for a short year. I think he's troubled at the moment and he is ashamed that he has hurt me so much.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You may want to read the thread called The Real World, specially the last 200 pages or so... Just kidding. The thread has grown a ton but in the last several pages the idea of a "Nice Guy" has come up and it has been enlightening. It seems that being a Nice Guy is good for everyone EXCEPT the Nice Guy himself.


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## devotedandheartbrokenwife (Oct 2, 2009)

I'll have a nosy.


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