# cheated on spouse with an old flame.........



## Confused76

My husband and i have a child together, almost 2 and i recently had an intimate moment with an old flame whihc i never thought i would ever do. my husband and i have been having a lot of problems financially and emotionally. i have felt that my life has been stripped away. we have a 15 yr age gap between us and he has older children, which i have always found to be rude and disrespectufl. i have changed myself for this guy and want my youth back. he has shown no interest, but recently an old flame is back and i thought there was nothing there, but there is something and we slept together one night, i regretted that. i stopped it and couldn't go on. i know my husband loves me so much, but i feel that he just can't give me what i need and is controlling my life. i think he wants me to continue to be this person who is controlled by him,,but i don't want that. i told him i thought of separating and he couldn't udnerstand why.......he thought everything was fine. we are now in counseling...............i don't know what to do. i haven't been intimate w/the other guy b/c i don't want ot make things worse. my husband has no clue but i think he suspects something.....i just want to give my daughter a good life and not live on watching every penny i make. it's a long story, but i had to admit this to someone who has no clue about me.


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## tater03

I do understand what you are saying and I feel that if you are in counseling and you still have feeling for this other person this needs to come out. It is a wedge between you two that is always there it seems. What I don't understand though is your comment about not wanting to live watching every penny. I do understand that also but I just don't feel that is a good reason to end any marriage unless your husband refuses to contribute financially to the household.


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## draconis

Having an affair for any reason isn't justifiable. But you need to decide what you want from your life and go with it. Yes being tight with money is hard. My wife and I lost quite a bit a few years ago and went from living well to scratching for everything we can. But the love was always there too. We made it through the storm together.

Keep us updated.

draconis


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## mamab

I'm sure that the temptation to cheat is worse when things are strained between you and your husband, but you can't NOT tell him. He deserves to know the truth. Counseling is a good place to be for you right now, I think.


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## MrsLV

First I'd like to say that I'm sorry that you and your husband have gone through problems. It breaks my heart when I hear about marriages suffering. 

Though I can't freely advise on this because I've not been in that same situation in my marriage-but I can just offer that counseling is a wonderful thing and that hopefully you'll do the right thing by confessing to your infidelity and hopefully forgivness will come into place within your marriage. 

I wish you two luck.


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## draconis

First let me say I never condone cheating, But experts don't think revealing the truth is 100% needed. I do suggest counciling though. If you choose to let him know do it at the right time and let him know easy. For me I found my first wife in the act. My heart dropped. I was never over weight but managed to lose 40 pounds in six months to the point i was sickly. I wish you the best of luck on moving on from here and hope you keep us updated.

draconis


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## chccamaro

I think it is great that you are going to counseling and trying to work things out...but the main point of this is...if you are not happy where you are and it does not sound like you truly are....it is not fair to you or to him to keep the marriage going...I always feel that divorce should be the last thing to happen but if one of the partners is not happy it will eventually take a toll on the relationship and cause stress between both partners. This is just my opinion...I have been in my relationship for about four years...I am very secure with things and would NEVER cheat on him even if the situation arose and it has. The fact that you did may indicate that you really are not happy. But kudos for wanting to work on your marriage...it shows that you do care about him and his feelings as well as your own and you are to be commended. 

Also, you mentioned something about his children being older and not the most welcoming. They should respect you no matter what your age.


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## alwaysalone

I know what it's like to be controlled and it's not fun. And it makes you do things you would not normally do. I have been in a situation with an ex and it went farther than it should have but I stopped it just in time. At least you are in counseling with your husband because mine would never go. When I went by myself for another reason he was asked to come and he told me that it was my problem not his. 

Good luck!


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## rag doll

I think you made a mistake but if you want it to work you will some day have to tell him about that night with the other guy. If you can't work it out don't lead him on to think you can because then he will end up bitter or end up hating you. Im not a expert but I would rather be told then kept in the dark about things like this.


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## MsLady

Don't tell him. It won't help anything.


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## FakenIt

I am pretty sure i suck at marriage! I guess I am not looking for answers as much as finding others in the same sorts of trouble. I will not be the person to give you the answers. This post is as close to what I am doing as I have found after hours of surfing posts here. I am sorry you are having to go through this with the added secret it is going to be tougher. I have just a couple things. I noticed this post has had some 800 views.hmm! I think there are a lot of people not saying they may have found themselves in this place. 

Here is my thought. I can't ever tell! Ever! He is a good person and I am not out to hurt him. I just want to be happy. I want him to be happy to! We have weaved such a wicked web that just leaving is not something you do overnight. Unless of course there is abuse. I will keep this secret from him. This marriage may end not because of an affair but because of a million other reasons. The anger of an affair rearing it's ugly head could be the grounds for fighting forever. You know they write this stuff on TLC. Pegged a cheater, kids know, everyone knows and depending on their veiws of cheating all people must choose whos side they go... good spouse vs. CHEATER. For the sake of coping not just for me and him but most importantly the kids i think I will leave out the affair part. (totally me) I told you have none of the answers I just have my experience to go on.

I hope with all my heart that you two can pull out of the haze. I hope more than that you can be happy, safe to be yourself, strong to take care of your babe, comfort in choosing the life that is yours.


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## michzz

With all due respect to others who tell you experts say to not tell the truth, I beg to differ.

There is no 100% opinion on such a thing.

I will give you my perspective. I think all of us deserve to live our lives knowing the truth of our circumstances.

What this means to me is that if I love someone with all my heart, then I want them to be as happy as I am. If they are not that happy, it is devastating to find out they hide their sadness, and worse, decide all on their own to break our vow of marriage, exposing us both to STDs, diminished respect and intimacy.

And after doing all that, continuing the disrespect by not telling of their drift away from faithfulness. Compounding that with deception and lies to hide the infidelity.

I also think that a person who can accept sexual intimacy with another while acting like they are not disconnected is inflicting an awful wound on the one they say they love. and if that love has gone, what is the point of their staying?

It inflicts pain and destruction.

Another thought to consider. Why do you get to decide what your spouse can handle? Is it just furthering the selfishness by not having to be judged for monstrous behavior?

Yes, there are exceptions to revealing the truth if there is risk of physical violence. But other than that? Find a way to be truthful. You owe your spouse the opportunity to live the truth of their life.

Another BTW, the truth of an affair always comes out eventually. The length of time of the affair and the coverup are extremely wounding as time passes.

Be truthful. It is no accident that it is a commandment in the Big 10.


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## FakenIt

My point is yet proven. First one too! This response is A typical of what you will hear from just about anyone. It is hostile and judgmental. 

montrous? selfish? Make sure to put in the part about "our final judgement" with the commandments thing.

Michzz, you wrote all that and think you could handle the truth? Pretty hot and it's not even happening to you.

My post was more to show that Confused76 was not alone and sometimes that is enough. Maybe not. I don't know.

I guess, Confused76, you will have to live with yourself. People who have never had "montrous" behavior will never get it. Thats fine and I knew that when writing that post. 

I will be fine and so will you what ever you choose. The world will keep turning. Live on and just be ok with yourself. I know I am ok even though I am a monster and I am going to hell where I will see, well just about... everyone there.

I understand is all I can say.


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## michzz

As a matter of fact, I have handled the truth. Very frustrating to have the truth dribbled out over a number of years.

Not stating the truth is simply a lack of courage and misguided self protection. 

I was not angry or "hot" when I wrote what I wrote.

Commenting on the 10 commandments was to illustrate the length of time the importance of being both truthful and faithful has been considered supremely important.



FakenIt said:


> Michzz, you wrote all that and think you could handle the truth? Pretty hot and it's not even happening to you.


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## PENNY4URTHOUGHTS

:butterfly: WOW, I completely understand what you are going through! I too, had a thing with an old flame. The problem is, I can't stop tinking about him now. Although I love my husband, I' m not in love with him and haven't been for about 10 years now. We have been in touch with each other for about a year now. I know its wrong, but I can't help the way I feel about this old flame. I never stopped loving him and getting reaquainted with him after 18 years, brought back all the feelings I had for him long ago. I don't think telling my husband will help things any. Why hurt him? I will eventually get over it and resume my life with my husband. I know that my ex and I won't set off into the sunset and live happily ever after, it didn't work out 18 years ago and it won't work out now. Good luck Confused and don't tell him.


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## jasonus03

Okay, I am kind of going through the same ordeal. Except I'm on the receiving end of it. I'll tell you my situation and then I'll give you my opinion on what I think you should do. I don't know your whole situation so please don't take this the wrong way. 

My fiance messed around with another man while I was away with the military. She told me about it on the phone while I was still gone. She said that they only kissed, but I am still suspecting it went further. This being because she told me truths wrapped with lies to cover other details. This has further damaged my trust in her because I keep getting more details, little by little. I know my fiance and when I am getting the truth from her. I just have a gut feeling it went further than it did. I am suspecting that she figured she'd tell me part of the truth and if I stayed then she didn't need to disclose any more information. What she doesn't know is that if it went further I will leave her. And eventually I will get the whole truth because I won't stop until I do.

Here's what I'm getting at. Your husband knows something is up. And it's probably only a matter of time before he starts asking questions. This is obviously eating away at you and it looks like it's something that is not easy for you to hide. 

There is one thing I know about men, this being because I am one. They always have to have answers and they (like any other person) always want the truth. This being because they need to know the whole situation, so 1) They can find a way to put it behind them or 2) They can move on. 

I can tell you this. If you do decide to tell him you need to be prepared to tell him EVERYTHING. He will have a ton of questions and you need to be truthful when he asks them no matter how much it may hurt him or you. If you are not truthful he will know it and he will keep asking more questions. It's best to put it all out on the table right away so you guys can proceed with your lives, whichever way they may go. 

Honesty is always the best policy and it could end up saving your relationship. But it could also end it. So be prepared for that. I am going through the same ordeal except I know a lot of what happened already because she told me. Like I said, I am still seeking answers because she won't disclose everything and it is further damaging my trust in her. 

If you tell him, tell him everything. The way you feel, exactly what happened (when, where, and how), the whole shabang. It will be hard and it will be a long road to recovery if you two choose to take it. There is no right time to tell him either, so don't wait for it because it'll never come. You just have to do it and get it over with. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you guys.


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## Paula S.

I was in a controlling marriage but felt guilty about leaving because I had a young child, but it got to the point where we were fighting so much that I felt it wasn't healthy for my son to be raised in that environment so I made the decision to divorce him. But I understand what you're going through. However, you need to understand that you have to do what's best for your sanity and for your child's best interests.


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