# Ex-Wife Won't Stop Scolding Me!?!



## Surfer Joe

My ex-wife and I have been officially divorced for just over 2-months. The unofficial part goes back to early March of this year.

It was a fairly amicable divorce. We have two small children (5.5 and 3.25) and we share custody/placement 50/50.

There was no cheating - no abuse - I don't know if I could give you a specific reason why we met the fate we did. We lost a child early in our marriage (we were married 9-years and together for 12).

I think she has a lot of issues going on in her head - a lot of issues dealing with insecurity and feelings of low self-worth - stuff that goes back much further than my time with her.

Anyway - I stayed in the house and she bought a condo not too far away. We're getting on with our new realities. I don't "like" my new reality - but I've accepted it and I'm doing my best to make the best of it. I know I still have (I hope) a lot of good days ahead of me.

I'm happy most of the time. I do miss our old life. I miss her sometimes - all normal parts of the process - but I am by no means a quivering mess (went through that already).

We still communicate on a regular basis - mostly because of the kids and she just cannot stop finding ways to critique me as a parent and as a person.

Here is an example. She calls me this morning and we have a nice conversation about how our son is really becoming more independent and how proud we are of him. The conversation then shifts to one of our daughter's toys and my wife asks me about how many of these dolls I have at the house and I say I think I saw her playing with four of them and then immediately it's "no way, she has way more than that at your house" and it's not said angrily - just in a scolding tone and then it's "you need to be more organized and keep better track of her toys".

That then morphs into how she was in the house yesterday and the house "smelled bad" like "BO and cat pee" and how there was leftover chili in the fridge that she had made and that she had advised me to get rid of and I had clearly not done it so she got rid of it for me.

My fridge is not a mess. It is not full of gross, rotting food. Yes, the chili was still in there and I had thought about dumping it out - but somehow in the course of trying to be a parent and working a full-time job I had not gotten around to it - but I most definitely would have.

My house in general is not a mess. It gets messy with toys and other things. If anything, I was the one who did most of the cleaning during our time together.

It's just constant. I'm learning as I'm going - just as she is. It's tough to suddenly be a single parent and to work full-time. it's like everything was tossed in the air and I'm trying to get through one day at a time - but her constant scolding and critiquing and criticizing is eating away at my confidence.

I find myself thinking maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't keep my house clean enough? Maybe I'm not as good of a parent as I think I am. It leaves me feeling really low.

I try not to engage her when she gets like this because she takes everything as a personal attack and then just gets angry and shuts down.

I think I understand what her issue is. I think she is just deflecting her own questions of "am I good enough" by finding ways to compare herself favorably to me.

I just don't know how to approach her on this. It's wearing me down - but I know that any attempt to discuss this with her will just lead to her getting angry and she'll then point fingers and I'll just end up getting beaten over the head that much more.


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## Surfer Joe

...and I know it's not her place to "scold" me anymore - she'll even point that out - but she still does it and we still have to maintain a relationship for the kids. I just don't know how I can do this as long as she keeps treating me like I'm inferior.


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## truster

If someone is treating you poorly, you have to demonstrate that you won't accept it, or they'll continue. You can't control them, but you can control you -- so when she starts, simply say something like "I think this conversation is starting to get away from the respectfulness we should be using as adults -- we can get it back there, or I can hang up." If she keeps at it, hang up.


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## BBF

I'm thinking you need to ask her once, and once only: "Who the hell do you think you're talking to?" 

And then tell her once, and once only: "Get the hell off my back."

Push back, or you'll continue to be pushed around.


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## EnjoliWoman

You'll have to get better at setting boundaries - it's part of the process of having separate lives.

First off, why was she in your fridge? That is off limits. She can come in and help the kids get their coats on maybe but more than that is crossing boundaries.

Stop chatting like good friends. You don't have to be mean - but really, you aren't chatty buddies. You need to figure out a script that is natural to you and use it. For instance: "Unless my home is considered unsafe/unsanitary, I can't see why this is your concern" or maybe just "that isn't your concern" or "what happens here is none of your concern". It's not like you were going to feed them bad food. But why take it out if you aren't ready to toss it only to have one OTHER odor to be concerned about!

Or you can use some humor or sarcasm "I was saving that for his 5th grade science experiment!" or "wow, since you cleaned the fridge, how about the bathroom next time" or "gee, thanks for pointing out my shortcomings".

Exit out of phone calls quickly and just stick to a pleasant discussion that pertains to the business of parenting. That's all.


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## Pluto2

Here are my two favorite post-D friends. 
"I'm sorry you feel this way." and "I'm not comfortable with the direction of this conversation."
Try one, then end the call. Don't engage, just end it.

We train people how to treat us and I bet she behaved somewhat similar to this during the marriage. That is how she knows to interact, that is on her. If you permit it, that is on you.


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## 6301

Had a problem like that with my ex wife. While trying to get my life in order I didn't go out much and if she needed me to watch our daughter I jumped at the chance. Why not. 

Then when I got squared away and started enjoying my life, she assumed she could make demands on me and got critical when I started going out, I politely told her that she doesn't have a say so any longer and to keep her comments to herself and left it at that. If she didn't like it then she could deal with it.


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## Surfer Joe

All good advice - thank you. Yes - she did behave in a similar manner in our marriage (especially over the past couple of years) and I see her treat other people the same way. It's like she cannot help herself. She just has this need to critique and criticize.

I know I need to stand my ground. I need to defend myself. 

I feel like we're both going through the same feelings right now: insecurity, fear...learning as we're going - it's that I'm trying to be understanding about it and she would rather deflect onto me and run me down than actually admit that she doesn't have everything figured out.


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## Sammy64

All chili aside (Sorry, i had too) Why is she coming into YOUR house ? . You are not married any longer, what happens when you have a "Friend " over and she come and goes as she pleases ?


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## 3Xnocharm

boltam said:


> She's acting like she's still your wife.
> 
> And you let her.
> 
> Stop allowing her in the house, that will solve most of the issues right there.
> 
> If you're reading this and thinking "I can't tell her not to come in the house", it's because you still see her as your wife, and you deserve to be treated like her husband.


Yep, this. BOUNDARIES, dude. The woman has no business inside your house any further than the front door. ESPECIALLY if you are not there! No way in hell! Stop chit chatting, there is no need for it. Its good you are trying to be amicable, but this goes beyond that, and its not healthy.


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## joannacroc

So, let's break it down:

1. Cleanliness of living space and freshness of food - vital to healthy kid. Important.
2. Organization of toys - not vital to healthy kid, but certainly helpful when kid is shuttling back and forth. Less important. BUT if toys get out of hand and aren't put away, obviously this could escalate to unsafe environment if there are so many out that your kids or you are likely to trip over and hurt themselves.

Separate these 2 items from your ex for a moment. Pretend she didn't point these issues out. Do you think in the grand scheme of things you could improve a bit in these 2 areas? If so, think about doing so bit by bit, NOT for your ex, but for you and your kids, and because it makes your lives safer. The cleanliness issues and throwing out old food would be higher up on my priority list, but only you know what you can realistically do. 

3. Communication. We divorced parents are all wading through these concerns as we learn how to be A. Self-sufficient when it comes to household tasks and B. Communicative in a positive way with our exes. Don't expect your ex to be perfect and don't beat yourself up when you aren't. Make it clear you're making sure you do all you can realistically do to make your place a safe environment for your kids. Is it feasible to take your child outside to your ex when she has her time with them instead of letting her in? If it doesn't make things unpleasant for your kids, maybe you could try it, because she isn't being respectful of your space.



I will say I can see it from both sides - my ex's place smells like rotten food and he is a terrible housekeeper. I try not say anything but if it continues I will have to be more assertive, because it's not safe for my son to be in that environment. I personally don't give a crap if his place is tidy as long as it is clean. Also, I often send over things both unimportant and important with my son when he visits my ex which I never get back, or get back a few months later, or have to ask for. It gets frustrating. Try and see it from her point of view, but at the same time, let her know she needs to express her point of view in a less aggressive and more respectful manner, particularly in front of the kids.


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## BBF

joannacroc said:


> So, let's break it down:
> 
> 1. Cleanliness of living space and freshness of food - vital to healthy kid. Important.
> 2. Organization of toys - not vital to healthy kid, but certainly helpful when kid is shuttling back and forth. Less important. BUT if toys get out of hand and aren't put away, obviously this could escalate to unsafe environment if there are so many out that your kids or you are likely to trip over and hurt themselves.
> 
> Separate these 2 items from your ex for a moment. Pretend she didn't point these issues out. Do you think in the grand scheme of things you could improve a bit in these 2 areas? If so, think about doing so bit by bit, NOT for your ex, but for you and your kids, and because it makes your lives safer. The cleanliness issues and throwing out old food would be higher up on my priority list, but only you know what you can realistically do.
> 
> 3. Communication. We divorced parents are all wading through these concerns as we learn how to be A. Self-sufficient when it comes to household tasks and B. Communicative in a positive way with our exes. Don't expect your ex to be perfect and don't beat yourself up when you aren't. Make it clear you're making sure you do all you can realistically do to make your place a safe environment for your kids. Is it feasible to take your child outside to your ex when she has her time with them instead of letting her in? If it doesn't make things unpleasant for your kids, maybe you could try it, because she isn't being respectful of your space.
> 
> 
> 
> I will say I can see it from both sides - my ex's place smells like rotten food and he is a terrible housekeeper. I try not say anything but if it continues I will have to be more assertive, because it's not safe for my son to be in that environment. I personally don't give a crap if his place is tidy as long as it is clean. Also, I often send over things both unimportant and important with my son when he visits my ex which I never get back, or get back a few months later, or have to ask for. It gets frustrating. Try and see it from her point of view, but at the same time, let her know she needs to express her point of view in a less aggressive and more respectful manner, particularly in front of the kids.


Wrong. OP explained that house was tidy. He explained about the chili. Ex was simply looking for anything to lord over him and bring him down. Classic castrating woman behavior. 

See it from her "point of view"? See it from the point of view of an OCD, bossy, manipulative, emotional bully? Really?


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## joannacroc

BBF said:


> Wrong. OP explained that house was tidy. He explained about the chili. Ex was simply looking for anything to lord over him and bring him down. Classic castrating woman behavior.
> 
> See it from her "point of view"? See it from the point of view of an OCD, bossy, manipulative, emotional bully? Really?


Look. We're all trying to help OP here. Let's dial back the anger and moral outrage a notch. Castration, apart from being a word that is making most male posters cringe right about now, is a bit extreme, don't you think? She was disrespectful. On that we can agree.

If you re-read my response, you'll see that it doesn't focus on improving anything for OP's ex but rather facilitating more respectful communication and minimizing conflict in front of kids. Remember, they have kids together, so finding a way to create healthy boundaries while improving his own life and the life of his kids is really important. While we can all agree she is being very controlling and bossy, calling her "OCD, bossy, manipulative," etc. to her face is not going to yield very good results. So what would your solution be?


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## Sammy64

IMO, not letting her into his house would be my Solution.


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## Blondilocks

You two are divorced. Act like it. She no longer has the right to try to tell you what to do and you no longer have to listen to her. Either change the locks or get your key back from her (don't tell her first or she'll just have a duplicate made).


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## Runs like Dog

Hang up on her when she does that. She's a bully. If she wants to escalate, see an attorney. Control freak psychopaths can't be bargained with or threatened with, only forced.


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## BBF

joannacroc said:


> Look. We're all trying to help OP here. Let's dial back the anger and moral outrage a notch. Castration, apart from being a word that is making most male posters cringe right about now, is a bit extreme, don't you think? She was disrespectful. On that we can agree.
> 
> If you re-read my response, you'll see that it doesn't focus on improving anything for OP's ex but rather facilitating more respectful communication and minimizing conflict in front of kids. Remember, they have kids together, so finding a way to create healthy boundaries while improving his own life and the life of his kids is really important. While we can all agree she is being very controlling and bossy, calling her "OCD, bossy, manipulative," etc. to her face is not going to yield very good results. So what would your solution be?


"Castrating Woman" is a psychological term. It's one that fits the OP's ex to a T. 

He needs to come to terms with that, and climb out of the lobster pot that has been his life with the harridan. That's helping him. 

What isn't helping him is wrong-headed advice to look at it from her point of view. I'm guessing that he's been looking at it from her point of view for a very long time. Now that he's divorced--free at last; free at last; good God Almighty, free at last. He doesn't have to "look at it from her point of view" ever again. And, he shouldn't. 

Moreover, kids steeped in the toxic example of the ex's behavior toward someone she was supposed to love, honor and cherish, will be more damaged than those who see dad acting as an accomplished and competent man.


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## workindad

Please tell her the next time she feels like cleaning someone else's house to come see me!

Seriously, just set some boundaries or she will continue the behavior.

Best
WD


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## joannacroc

BBF said:


> "Castrating Woman" is a psychological term. It's one that fits the OP's ex to a T.
> 
> He needs to come to terms with that, and climb out of the lobster pot that has been his life with the harridan. That's helping him.
> 
> What isn't helping him is wrong-headed advice to look at it from her point of view. I'm guessing that he's been looking at it from her point of view for a very long time. Now that he's divorced--free at last; free at last; good God Almighty, free at last. He doesn't have to "look at it from her point of view" ever again. And, he shouldn't.
> 
> Moreover, kids steeped in the toxic example of the ex's behavior toward someone she was supposed to love, honor and cherish, will be more damaged than those who see dad acting as an accomplished and competent man.


You took one phrase I wrote completely out of context and ran with it, to the exclusion of everything else I wrote. OK. Your response was kind of rude and dismissive, and frankly, characteristic of one of the reasons I seldom post anymore. We're supposed to be responding to the OP to help, not pointing out what we feel is incorrect in OTHER's responses, especially when it is done in such a disrespectful manner. To dismiss someone else's point of view as "wrong-headed" is the height of arrogance. Whenever I try to come on here and help other's, some angry hothead full of moral outrage at a situation that has NOTHING in common with the OP's jumps on me the minute I'm done typing. Whatever. I'm done. Have fun with your rage and hostility. I hope it serves you well.


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## BBF

joannacroc said:


> You took one phrase I wrote completely out of context and ran with it, to the exclusion of everything else I wrote. OK. Your response was kind of rude and dismissive, and frankly, characteristic of one of the reasons I seldom post anymore. We're supposed to be responding to the OP to help, not pointing out what we feel is incorrect in OTHER's responses, especially when it is done in such a disrespectful manner. To dismiss someone else's point of view as "wrong-headed" is the height of arrogance. Whenever I try to come on here and help other's, some angry hothead full of moral outrage at a situation that has NOTHING in common with the OP's jumps on me the minute I'm done typing. Whatever. I'm done. Have fun with your rage and hostility. I hope it serves you well.



Hard as it may be for you to believe, it's not all about you. (Although with seven "I" personal pronouns in your missive, it seems that you think that.) 

It's about giving straight-forward advice to the OP. And steering him away from bad advice. 

No rage. No anger. No hostility. But no political correctness. 

That does serve us all well.


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## jmiller2020

My guess is you don't want to rock the niceties you got going on right now. You probably appreciate that you can still have great conversations about the kids and be civil (part of the time).

You also have incredible insight. For you to be able to see that she is deflecting is impressive and took the words right out of my mouth.

The truth is, she'll never give you more respect than you give yourself.

That means you need to set some clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate. 

Let her know the moment she starts scolding you will discontinue the conversation and she can re-engage once she regains her boundaries and is ready to treat you with the respect you not only deserve but command.

Just think of it in terms of furture dating. Nip this before you have to let your new interest see how your ex treats you. That would be a travesty on multiple levels.

I know you're not thinking about that yet but that's why we are here to help

Yes things will get bumpy and rough for a bit and then your family will regain its momentum and resume moving forward. She will fall into her more appropriate role as your ex and co parent partner and that should be it.

Good luck and bravo on such great co parenting thus far!

PS good boundaries so that the kids understand that mom doesn't live here and she and daddy are not getting back together is a must. Make them clear and firm. For everyone's sake.


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## lonelyhusband321

Maybe I'm a little too simple, but why don't you just tell her to go to hell??


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## Pluto2

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Maybe I'm a little too simple, but why don't you just tell her to go to hell??


That is tempting and if there were no kids I'd offer that too.
But with kids the parents are supposed to try to communicate, and we're trying to find ways he can keep talking about the kids while keeping her out of every other part of his life.


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## Bananapeel

I'm in a similar boat as you. I'm 2 months post divorce and my XWW is also having some boundary issues. While I also originally wanted to play nice and be friends I recently realized that it just isn't healthy or in my best interest for the two of us to be involved in each other's lives. So I decided to start pushing our relationship to one where we only interact about the kids. If you want to go that way it's OK to ease into it. My goal is to completely transform our relationship within a year. I did not mention this with her because it is MY action to take since I am in control of the direction of MY life (like the empowerment there?). Instead when she offers to do favors for me I politely decline unless it is something for the kids. When she asks questions that I don't want to answer I tell her that I am not going to discuss that topic with her. When she tries to engage in conversation that isn't about the kid's I don't engage or show interest. 

Seriously though, set boundaries that are normal for divorced people or you'll be getting the problems but not the benefits of being married. I know it's tough given how established your relationship was, so sit back and put together a plan for what you want your relationship to be in the next year and start implementing it. 

One other suggestion since you kept the house is to make it your own. Go through the kitchen, pantry, refrigerator, closets, your room, etc. and clean, trash, rearrange, paint, whatever, so the house doesn't feel like her house anymore. She'll notice that right away and it will start sending a signal to her that she will understand. 

Good luck!


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## BetrayedDad

Don't even let her in your house. A man's house is his castle. Don't invite the dragon into your castle. My ex waits outside to get the kids even if it's 10 degrees out. I don't care. Raining? I don't care. Should of checked the weather report and brought an umbrella. Need to use the bathroom? I don't care. There's a gas station down the street, bye. See what I mean? Boundaries dude. Put some up.


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## Wolf1974

I also went through a phase like this. Getting divorced after a decade of happy wife happy life where I was treated a child and scolded it had to change. Now I had some anger and resentment over her affair and loosing full custody of my kids so that helped. When we talked on the phone about the kids when she started into "preach mode" I would give a simple warning do not talk to me like that again. That sent her on the offense and I hung up on her. This continues for awhile so then she started texting. Same thing if she got preachy about what was going on at my house one warning was given then I stopped responding to her texts. Eventually we accepted the new normal..me my freedom and balls back, and her that she would have to treat me like an equal or she wouldn't hear from me at all.

Establish boundrys and stick to them. You aren't under anyone's thumb anymore but you have to accept that time needs to go by and establish the new normal for both of you.


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## Hardtohandle

OP, You are right.. You're not the best parent you can be.. Your house might be a mess and you should probably take better care of your daughter's dolls.. 

And you should feel a bit bad.. 


But guess what, who the fvck is and who the fvck cares.. 

I'm a full time dad with a full time job.. I work more hours in a day today then I did in the last almost 3 years.. I get up at 6:30 and don't come home until 6 to 7:30 at night.. 

My 83, going to be 84 year old mom and my 56 year old sick brother help me with my 15 and 10 year old.. 

I have tons of sh!t all over my house.. Clearly more sh!t then I have room for.. 

Welcome to life..

I'm out of my home for 12 hours out of the day.. 
My 15 year old has not seen his mom in almost 3 years.. Her choice..
My 10 year old see's his mom every Monday and Tuesday. 

Every Tuesday and Wednesday my Ex wife brings my 10 year old to my house around 6 AM.. He gets up at 5:40 in the Morning to be here.. He doesn't have school until 8 AM.. 

He comes here and goes back to bed until 7:40 and my brother brings him to school. 

*My ex wife wanted him EVERY weekend and I told her straight out NO.... My son does NOT want be there on the weekends.. I explained to slowly ( because she is stupid ) that if HE wanted the weekends he would have said something 3 years ago or any time in between.. 

AND if you ( meaning she ) wanted him on the weekends you could have said that ANY TIME as well.. But you didn't.. You were happy having the weekends free to be with your Boyfriend.. 
So go Fvck Yourself.. 

You want him on the weekends take me to court.. 

My son is literally getting tired of being there Monday and Tuesday.. I hear it in him. I can see it.. *


_*Sorry sidetracked.. Back to the story*_

Nonetheless, after a 12 hour day of work and travel. The last thing I want to do on the weekend is put all this sh!t away.. 

Friday night around 11 or midnight I go to the GF house.. 
Saturday in the AM we take her youngest to dance and then go to the diner with her 2 girls and sometimes my boys IF they want to come.. 

Then we drop off her kids at her moms house and we do some shopping or whatever is needed.. 

Then I go home in the afternoon make sure the boys are good what not.. Then we usually go out to some club dancing on Saturday night..

Sunday we chill and I go home about 4 to 7 PM.. 

Eventually I WILL get around to straightening these house out.. I do it slowly.. But trust me it's a fvcking mess.. Not dirty.. But a mess.. 

Once I square this away I will have a cleaning lady come in several times during the week to keep it all straight including my mom's place..

But until then.. It is what it is.. I could do better.. I know I could.. I'm done beating myself up over all this sh!t.. It is what it is.. 

I wanted a wife, I treated her like gold.. I worked harder so she didn't.. She barely worked 10 hours a week.. 

NOW..

Now she works 2 jobs to pay me child support and still taking me to court because she keeps asking for a reduction.. 

It's a pain in the fvcking a$$... All because she was too short sighted to see beyond her legs being spread.. 

Now she is crying she needs medical coverage and a pension in court.. 

I told her you had all of that before you left me.. You should have thought of that 20 years ago..


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## snerg

Surfer Joe said:


> My ex-wife and I have been officially divorced for just over 2-months. The unofficial part goes back to early March of this year.


Okay. Mood has been set



Surfer Joe said:


> The conversation then shifts to one of our daughter's toys and my wife asks me about how many of these dolls I have at the house and I say I think I saw her playing with four of them and then immediately it's "no way, she has way more than that at your house" and it's not said angrily - just in a scolding tone and then it's "you need to be more organized and keep better track of her toys".


You're missing a pretty awesome shot at messing with her here. You should have corrected her "No. Chucky (the killer doll) was here chasing me around attempting to displace my soul and take over my body. I distinctly remember there being 4 dollies because I thought that was an odd thing to notice when a doll possessed by a seriel killer was attempting to possess me"

You need to be waaaaay more creative in dealing with your Ex.



Surfer Joe said:


> That then morphs into how she was in the house yesterday and the house "smelled bad" like "BO and cat pee" and how there was leftover chili in the fridge that she had made and that she had advised me to get rid of and I had clearly not done it so she got rid of it for me.


1st - why is he in your house? She's now an Ex. She has no need to be in your house.

2nd - it's not BO or cat pee - you answer, it's my naturally manly musk. It comes from my manly armpits.

3rd - if she's willing to throw out the chilly in your fridge - you tell her "quit doing a half a$$ed job. You clean the whole fridge.



Surfer Joe said:


> but her constant scolding and critiquing and criticizing is eating away at my confidence.


Dude - any time she critiques or criticizes (why do you care first of all) you say this "oogly oooo. oogly ooo. When she responds "what did you say" You respond "I aint telling you" 

A better thing to do - wait till she gets done blasting you then simply respond "I Like Turtles" and don't say another work no matter what she asks, says, or yells.

Anything beyond talk of the kids - think Charlie Brown and the adults - Mwank muywwaaay. Myaaanky. (Unknown gibberish the adults said to the kids)


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