# Wife gave me ultimatum last night



## BobBob

Last night my wife told me we are going to either start trying to have a baby right now, or we are going to separate.

When we got married (6 years ago), it was understood we would have children. However, we have gone through various life changes and the time has never seemed right for either of us.

Right now I am in a job that I hate. I have started looking for new jobs, and we are planning to move in the next few months. 

I have asked her for a few months to get through this transition before we start trying to have a baby. She refuses. She feels that NOW is the time, period. She has directly said she does not care about my feelings on this matter. 

If I do not agree to have a baby now, she will never forgive me.
Therefore, she would be forced to leave me. Neither of us believe in divorce, so we would probably separate permanently.

I am at a loss. I love my wife, but I have no peace about this decision. I do not feel like this is the time to bring a new life into our family. I need a little stability and mechanism to provide for a family before I can agree to this. Any thoughts?


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## Dedicated2Her

Not to be the bearer of bad news, but it will never truly be the "right" time to have a baby. There will be challenges everyday. This seems to be a BIG source of pain for you wife. Does that not concern you and give you a desire to fulfill her wishes and dreams?


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## TemperToo

If your wife truly feels that she "does not care" about your feelings, then is this really a good relationship anyway?

In her defense....6 years? Really? It's NEVER going to be a perfect time to have a baby. I've had two and neither were planned. Both are perfectly wonderful, awesome children (13 and 7...boys) and even though I didn't plan for them, I wouldn't trade them for the world. (I cried my eyeballs out when I found out I was pregnant with both because I "wasn't ready.")

It sounds to me like you really aren't sure you want kids..... I apologize if I'm reading that incorrectly!

Although I do have to say that bringing a child into an already unstable marriage is NOT a good thing to do. Just my 2 cents.....


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## Lilyana

My H and I never planned our kids.. we just figured when it happened it was meant to be. You will never be "ready" financially, or otherwise. If I had waited til we were both ready for kids, I wouldn't have the 2 beautiful blessings I have now, we would still be waiting until the right time.


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## BobBob

TemperToo said:


> If your wife truly feels that she "does not care" about your feelings, then is this really a good relationship anyway?
> 
> In her defense....6 years? Really? It's NEVER going to be a perfect time to have a baby. I've had two and neither were planned. Both are perfectly wonderful, awesome children (13 and 7...boys) and even though I didn't plan for them, I wouldn't trade them for the world. (I cried my eyeballs out when I found out I was pregnant with both because I "wasn't ready.")
> 
> It sounds to me like you really aren't sure you want kids..... I apologize if I'm reading that incorrectly!
> 
> Although I do have to say that bringing a child into an already unstable marriage is NOT a good thing to do. Just my 2 cents.....


Our marriage is quite complicated. Maybe they all are! We are committed to each other, but there is very little peace and virtually no joy in our house. We are going through an especially difficult time right now as we prepare for a move and look for new jobs.

I do not feel right about bringing a new life into this relationship. My current work situation puts stress on myself and our marriage, and makes me feel twice as uncomfortable about having a baby right now.

Our marriage is not what either of us planned or hoped for. Maybe none of them are! I know we agreed to have kids before the wedding, but now it seems like we are just clinging on for dear life as it is. I have never said I will never have kids, but I do not feel like now is the time. 

My wife considers me a "liar" for my shift in feelings. Of course, I feel incredibly guilty and sad about the entire situation.

I am surprised that my wife would want to force me into having a kid. It seems to me that she would need a husband who is supportive and excited about the decision. 

I don't know if any of this makes sense, but that's where we are right now.


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## TemperToo

It does make sense to me. And it is a little bit of what I expected. More than the JOB situation, it's the relationship situation that makes you leery. Which is a good thing. A baby should never be brought into a relationship to try and save it!!

Have you guys ever tried counseling? GOOD counseling? My hubby and I tried some bad counseling a few years ago and it did nothing for us. We recently got some good counseling and it has made somewhat of a difference.


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## BobBob

TemperToo said:


> It does make sense to me. And it is a little bit of what I expected. More than the JOB situation, it's the relationship situation that makes you leery. Which is a good thing. A baby should never be brought into a relationship to try and save it!!
> 
> Have you guys ever tried counseling? GOOD counseling? My hubby and I tried some bad counseling a few years ago and it did nothing for us. We recently got some good counseling and it has made somewhat of a difference.


Thank you for the comments.

We have been in marriage counseling for about 3 years now. I'm not sure if it's "good" or "bad." My wife clearly thinks it's "bad," as she wants to start seeing somebody new.

However, she is very clear that counseling is not a solution to this problem. She wants to have a kid now, or it's over. By now, I mean going off birth control next week. She is determined that this is the time. "The time for talk is over." 

I guess that's why I'm so lost that I'm asking for advice!


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## TemperToo

Do you mind me asking how old you two are?


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## BobBob

TemperToo said:


> Do you mind me asking how old you two are?


Early 30's.


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## Sanity

Forcing a child into this world when both parents don't love the idea is a terrible, selfish act. 

Having said this, our son was an "oops" but it was fun making him. It was not the "right time" and they are expensive. You know what though? I would not change anything because I love my boy with all my heart and the sense of purpose, love and self sacrifice that he has giving me is priceless. 

But I digress, in your case I DO NOT recommend having children with her due to the shacky foundation you have in your marriage.


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## eagleclaw

I think you need to seriously consider having a child soon, based on your ages and how important it is to your wife (assuming that on some level you want to as well, it's just currently a logistics issue)

However, that being said. I don't think you can cave to an ultimatum like that, or you will be faced with one after another and she will have little respect for you.

She shouldn't be FORCING or trying to manipulate you into it. You need to set some boundries and work towards a compromise that meets both of your needs. If she is not interested in working this out as a couple then don't get yourself locked into a relationship with a woman who won't be reasonable, won't consider your thoughts and feelings etc. As wonderful as kids are, they don't make life easier initially. Unless you guys are there for each other and working as a committed team, it will only make things more difficult.


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## cdbaker

From what I have seen here, I think I need to urge you to consider the situation from her perspective. Children are very important to her, that was clear from the start, and you DID promise her that they would be important to you as well. Six years is absolutely an incredibly long time to wait, especially when she has probably been itching to have children that whole time while you found reasons not to. Perhaps you are right about it not being the best time right now due to various pressures on the two of you at the moment, but that just means that you already skipped over better times to have started having kids in the past and I agree with your wife, bad time or not, you really need to make a decision.

Her internal clock is ticking, after six years I don't think anyone could blame her for feeling somewhat betrayed that you have put off kids for this long, something which she clearly identified as being very important to her. Frankly, it sounds like you have been pretty selfish about it. Honestly it would be different if you had made clear from the start that you didn't want kids, but early 30's? There is no way that any of this is a surprise to you. There is no such thing as a perfect time, surely you have been told that a hundred times by now. I agree it isn't exactly great that she has issued you an ultimatum, but ultimately she is expressing that this is a boundary for her. You promised her a child, you have delayed keeping your promise for far too long so in my view, if you love and value her, you owe her a child (to the best of your ability that is). 

The truth is that whether it is a "bad time" or not, you could certainly find a way to make it work, not just now but probably many times over the last 6 years. What I hear, and what she probably hears, when you ask for more time is this, "Honey, how will we maintain our current lifestyle, our cars and home, our vacations or other property if we have to take on the expense of a child? And I really hate my job, so I want to find a new one. All of this is far more important to me than your desire for a child and I'm really not willing to make any sacrifices for you right now." If that isn't true, then it is time to follow through on your commitments now, because she has every right to feel she does at this point.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I just don't see any way that you can complain about this. If you need more than 6 years to follow-through on your commitment to your wife, then you clearly have put your own goals/aspirations before her for a very long time and I think she has every right to find someone that will put her first for a change. Honestly though, look at this as an opportunity. Go to her, apologize for your selfishness and give her your blessing to go off the birth control. I bet she'll be so shocked by such a 180 that this will jump start your relationship recovery as well. I truly wish you both the best.


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## PBear

With things in the state that they seem to be, I wouldn't let myself be pushed into having a child with her, and I wouldn't trust her to handle the birth control activities from now on. If you've been in counselling for 3 years (half your marriage) and there's still no peace or joy in the house... Once you have a child together, that will bind you for the next 18 years at least.

Like the others have said, there's often no "right" time to have kids. We felt that about having our kids... We weren't at the point in life I wanted to be when we decided it was time, but you make do. However... There's definitely "wrong" times to have kids. And if your marriage is already shakey, it would fall into the "wrong" times category. Having kids will likely not make your marriage better.

C


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## cdbaker

PBear has a point, but it doesn't change what I said. If you want to remain married (and that is the first decision you have to make, based on your circumstances), then you owe it to her to follow through on your commitment.

Also, if she isn't happy with your current therapist, then find a new one. If you have been seeing the same one for three years now, then I think it is obvious that there is a problem.


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## lisa3girls

Dedicated2Her said:


> Not to be the bearer of bad news, but it will never truly be the "right" time to have a baby. There will be challenges everyday. This seems to be a BIG source of pain for you wife. Does that not concern you and give you a desire to fulfill her wishes and dreams?


You read my mind...something ALWAYS happens...6 years is a long time to wait...


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## lisa3girls

TemperToo said:


> even though I didn't plan for them, I wouldn't trade them for the world. (I cried my eyeballs out when I found out I was pregnant with both because I "wasn't ready.")
> 
> .....


My 3rd was an oops, I found out I was going to have her when my 2nd was FIVE months old....gah....and she is the absolute light of my life now.


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## lisa3girls

BobBob said:


> Our marriage is quite complicated. Maybe they all are! We are committed to each other, but there is very little peace and virtually no joy in our house. We are going through an especially difficult time right now as we prepare for a move and look for new jobs.
> 
> I do not feel right about bringing a new life into this relationship. My current work situation puts stress on myself and our marriage, and makes me feel twice as uncomfortable about having a baby right now.
> 
> Our marriage is not what either of us planned or hoped for. Maybe none of them are! I know we agreed to have kids before the wedding, but now it seems like we are just clinging on for dear life as it is. I have never said I will never have kids, but I do not feel like now is the time.
> 
> My wife considers me a "liar" for my shift in feelings. Of course, I feel incredibly guilty and sad about the entire situation.
> 
> I am surprised that my wife would want to force me into having a kid. It seems to me that she would need a husband who is supportive and excited about the decision.
> 
> I don't know if any of this makes sense, but that's where we are right now.


Is it the baby issue causing the problem?


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## lisa3girls

cdbaker said:


> PBear has a point, but it doesn't change what I said. If you want to remain married (and that is the first decision you have to make, based on your circumstances), then you owe it to her to follow through on your commitment.
> 
> Also, if she isn't happy with your current therapist, then find a new one. If you have been seeing the same one for three years now, then I think it is obvious that there is a problem.



I agree, while YOUR clock isn't ticking, hers is and she is probably thinking if he isn't going to give me a child I need out to find a way to have one before it is too late....I was DONE by 37 and that was hard enough-- I am 47 now and have a 10 year old and even though my dh was a 'waiter' just like the OPer, now he says whey did we wait so LONG, we are getting old! Perhaps this olive branch could help bring joy back into the house.


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## anx

> We are committed to each other, but there is very little peace and virtually no joy in our house.


 This is bad.

I think you can agree to a baby if she agrees to MC to gain peace. 

Bringing a baby will help some (her need will be meet after a long time), BUT will bring a huge amount of stress with it. 

You need to fix the other issues, a baby will not fix everything.

Bringing a baby into a broken relationship is a terrible decision, but so was waiting 6 years.


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## BobBob

Thank you all for your comments. You obviously don't all agree on how to react to my situation, but you've given me a lot to think about.


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## crisis1008

I have to wonder what has your marriage on shaky ground. My husband also hindered my ability to have children for about or over 5 years before we separated. While I had many reasons for leaving him, this one was major for me. I had been waiting and waiting for my husband to be ready and he always found a reason to be mad at me and say something like “this is why I don’t want to have a child with you.” All the while, it was just that he really did not want to have a child, as he already has two daughters of his own. He was breaking his promise to me and making it all my fault, just to take the guilt off of himself. I resented him for this. I told him he was stealing my ability to have children and that I would leave him for it. I told him that if he would not give me children I would find someone else who would.

A woman’s biological clock ticks very loudly. It keeps her up night after night. Was it several years of “baby” issues that put your marriage on shaky ground? Were there other issues?

As far as joy in the house goes, that is simply an effort on both parts to create joy in the house. While children do not fix a marriage, they can certainly bring joy. Other than having children, joy comes with how you and your spouse respond to one another on a daily basis. It comes with listening, when your spouse just needs to vent. It comes with being sporadic, and deciding to go to a movie, out to dinner, or even on a tiny cruise together. It is actually a small effort to make in the entire institution of marriage. Marriage is very hard, but keeping up with one another and continuing to get to know one another, as people are always changing with personal growth and experience, I find is the easy part.

As far as not trusting her with birth control goes, I think it would be wrong for you to monitor her birth control intake or tell her to do so. I hope that is not what you would think of doing, as it is her body. Rather you could simply wear a condom if you were adamant about not getting pregnant, or abstain from sexual intercourse. Either way, I guess it does not matter because she has given you an ultimatum and will be leaving you if you do not fulfill her wishes.

As far as moving and finding new jobs goes, if your wife was to get off of birth control now, it would more than likely take a couple of months for her to become pregnant. That is not a definite, as immediate pregnancy is possible, but most women’s hormones take a little time to regulate. In addition, the actual birth will not take place for about 9 months after you finally conceive. You would have between 9 months and a year to move and find new jobs. There is plenty of time, which diminishes the only solid defense you have provided.

I can tell you that if you do not fulfill your wife’s desire to have a child, she will absolutely leave you. Even if she loves you, she will resent you. We are not talking about denying your wife a pair of designer shoes because you cannot afford it this week. We are talking about a baby, which is something that most women dream of all of their lives, along with their wedding day, and absolutely must have. Most of us are nurturers by nature, and have a need to do so.


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## [email protected]

I think Both people have to ready for a child and that the wife should respect your position. The ultamatums will never stop once you give in to that.


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## Jellybeans

Do you even want to have children? Ask yourself that honestly.

Do you want to have them with her? 

Why is there no peace/joy in your home? What do you fight about?


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