# Am I over reacting? Please advise!!!!!!



## Russell2 (Jul 19, 2010)

I have been married over 20 years and have four teenage children. I have been happily married, we do not fight. For quite some time my wife has a male friend, they have business partners over the past 10 years or so. He is married and has children. My wife has been involved in helping in their family issues including finances and the like. I have had some jealousy issues with how much "unnecessary" time they spend together. Neither work during the day. They tend to "hang out"a lot and have for many years. I have never made a big deal about it, but it has bothered me.

His marriage is now quite unhappy. I have found the "hang out" time with them has increased significantly. Taking up new hobbies together etc. Meanwhile I am at work. I have also found that they have been texting voluminously - even after spending a fair part of the day together. The texting goes from early am (5:30ish) and then later at night (10-11pm) There also has been the classic possessive cell phone behavior. Keeps it with her at all times and under her side of the mattress "because the kids go out at night" - but even when everybody's home, ? She texts him over twice as much as any of my three teenage daughters. text queens in their own right. I don't know what the texts say - maybe they are discussing work related things.

I recently brought the subject of my hurt feelings and jealously up with my wife and was met with hostile reaction. I was told to get over it she will do what she wants and she doesn't tell me what to do. True she doesn't nag me about anything. I did not accuse anyone of anything. She is menopause age so maybe this has something to do with it.

I don't want to stir her up, but I feel like the guy on the movie screen who is the only one that doesn't know there is someone hiding in the closet with a knife.

I have no reason to believe she is doing anything wrong. She will say I am being controlling. My gut just feels something is wrong. I don't want to start a war and don't want to accuse her of anything. My friends all say I have good cause for concern, but they are my friends - I'd like a little objectivity. I cannot seem to have a productive talk with her where she doesn't stomp off.

What do I do - she still can't seem to not be in constant contact with this guy. Any questions I can answer. Thanks.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

It may be all innocent but

Plan for the worst.. Such a reaction implies there may be something else going on, an EA perhaps, she may not even know she is doing it . Is the friend married if so express the same concern to his wife. Not sure if you should approach the friend but scan the board particularly for posts from Affaircare and Tanelornpete

Approach her again and express your concerns, see if you can check the content of the text messages, they may be innocent. If she gets angry and offended this will add to your suspicions. Do not let her feel you are spying on her, you are her husband and there should be no reason for her not to disclose the contents of the text messages.

Remember ..Privacy is going to the toilet secrecy is deceit. 

Spend some time scanning this board you will have many suggestions on the approach to follow..


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Reading your post again, her behaviour is beyond that of a good friend I am more certain that this is an Emotional Affair.


----------



## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

I agree with Wisp.There's friends, business partners, friendly business partners and then there's what's going on between your wife and her friend.

At a minimum it's an emotional affair.


----------



## Russell2 (Jul 19, 2010)

Thank you both for the responses, on the one hand I don't want to hear it, but on the other I don't feel like I'm crazy. He IS married but his relationship is not good according to my wife. I have little if any contact with his wife - I do wonder whta she thinks. I didn't want to stir up a hornets nest with him or my wife. On the other hand I don't feel like I am in the wrong here.


----------



## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

WAY inappropriate


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Take away the nice guy in you, look at it as if you are fighting for the very existence of your marriage and the love therein.

You need to gather evidence assuming I am correct in my guess that this is an EA or perhaps a PA. The fallout is going to be hard, the journey tough and you may risk loosing it all but.. you cannot let this continue.

Get hold of the text message prepare for counseling sessions, but first if this is an affair it must end. An EA is one of the hardest thing to stop, have no doubt what you are in for and the responses you will get from your wife. 

PM "affaircare" or drop a note on one of her threads asking for guidance, The lady is quite astute in her advice.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Print out the phone/text records and highlight their communications and write out in the margin the number of calls they make each day. Ask her to explain the appropriateness of that. If she tries to bully you into retreating again, have a friend follow her for a couple days to see how she spends her time. If they are meeting up inappropriately, approach her with that.

If she still won't stop, call her mother or father or sister or best friend, and tell them what's happening, and ask them to talk to her. If that doesn't work, you may have to expose the affair to a wider number of people before she'll acknowledge what she's doing.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Turnera .. spot

Do not worry about contacting with his wife, if we are correct he needs to be exposed and kept busy elsewhere, focusing on his own marriage may be the gap you need.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My advice:
- Read this: Emotional affair - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
- Demand full disclosure of their conversations. If she won't you know what's in them.
- Schedule counselling and ask her to come. If she won't, you know the answer.
- Call up his wife and take her out for dinner. Gauge their reaction. If she has a problem with it, tell her you'll stop when she does.
- If none of the above work, ask her to choose, plain and simple.

I've been there. She never did admit to doing anything wrong even after the MC told her she was having an emotional affair and I had documented evidence in email that they declared they had feelings for each other.

Stop being a "Nice Guy" and a doormat... would a man that you respect accept this behavior? If not, why should you?


----------



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

You are not over-reacting at all. You know what's right and wrong and so does your wife. She just chooses not to care because it's what she wants.


----------



## mahilana (Jul 19, 2010)

The fact that your wife has her phone under her mattress at night and keeps her phone with her 24/7 is a HUGE red flag. If there's absolutely nothing to hide then she wouldn't keep her phone away from everyone. Maybe I have it all wrong, but I would definitely talk to her and demand some answers. 

Best of luck to you!


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Russell2: Are you looking for advice on how to deal with this and save your marriage??


----------



## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

There are way too many red flags here (keeping her phone with her at all times, amount of texts, her reaction etc). This is definitely an emotional affair at the very least, and if it is not yet already, it will turn physical in the very near future. You need to start gathering evidence quietly (try and get a copy of her texts, have a friend or PI follow her at get concrete proof that she cannot deny). She may not be doing anything yet, but she know that this is beyond what is acceptable behavior by a married women. Then after you gather proof, you must decide what you are going to do after you confront her with the evidence. Do not accuse anymore unless you have undeniable proof of something, she will just continue to deny, and possibly go underground with the affair even more.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Try the following link for some more help and pointers

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/14591-confused.html


and 

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


----------



## Lucilove (Jul 22, 2010)

No need to spy or beat around the bush. Simply tell her how you feel about all the time she gives to this "friendship," and that you feel kind of uncomfortable. Give her the opportunity to tell you what is going on. It's obvious that she likes being with him, either as a friend or something else. Give her, and you, the chance to be happy, whether it's together or alone.
Life is too short, I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. That is why I am incapable of being jealous. 
You will be happier no matter how things turn out.


----------



## Russell2 (Jul 19, 2010)

Well, my friends. Unfortunately I have my answer. Thank you for your support and guidance. I figured it would never happen to me. I asked to know what was in the "innocent" texting. She refused and admitted it was "too personal" and "would be misconstrued"....Hmmmm - I am subpoenaing the text content. She has freaked out and promised there was no "physical" relationship. We have come along way from what a "control freak" I was. She admitted to lying and conspiring with her friend to keep things clandestine to keep from hurting my feelings (gee how about NOT sneaking around behind my back for a start). She has moved out I have the house and kids and she is now despondent knowing she alone screwed up a happy well adjusted middle class family. Maybe I havent been the guy on the cover of the romance novel, but I have always put my wife and family first. I have been supportive and calm but can't help finding some comfort in vindication - God forgive me. The moral: Go with your GUT! Sorry to report bad news, but I had suspicions years ago - Do NOT be afraid to deal with this right away. Avoid my mistake. NIP IT IN THE BUD!
Thank you all again for your advice and support.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Russell2~

I am so sorry to hear of this turn of events, and yet I know it is a relief in a weird way to know that you can trust yourself. 

May I make a suggestion? You now know that your wife was cheating. She knows that you know, and she can not longer deflect it onto you. She's even moved out and left the kids in their home with you. 

May I suggest the option of considering reconciliation if she will immediately do the following steps:

1) Send a *No Contact Letter* to the Other Man (OM). This would be a letter that she writes but that YOU send, so it's not one last love letter. Here is The Purpose Of No Contact and here are some Sample No Contact Letters

If I remember correctly, they work together right? Well you said "business partners" so in order to enforce no contact, I would take the stand that she quit, retire, or in whatever way leave that business. Since the business was used as a way to further the affair, that is just one of the natural consequences of her choices. 

2) You have immediate and unlimited access to all of her accounts (email, facebook, forums, chatrooms, cellphone bill, etc.) and to her laptop, computer and/or cell phone itself so you can verify that she is not in contact and she has not attempted to contact him. This is not for you to be an obsessed control freak, but since she has looked you in the eye and lied for years, her word is worthless. Verification however is priceless. So you can build trust if she says she's not contacting him AND you can verify she really isn't. For a little while, it's on her to prove what she says...

3) She agrees to commit to working on herself (such as going to counseling to find out her own weaknesses, how to deal with them, and how to guard the marriage) and working with you to rebuild the marriage and restore love. This doesn't mean "she'll try" as that is a cop out! She agrees to work hard to MAKE IT HAPPEN! And she agrees to take personal responsibility for her own stuff (likewise, you'll need to take responsibility for any areas where you helped contribute).


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

This is one of the expected results, follow the advice in the previous post, many recover from the EA and yes this can and will happen for you and your wife. Keep calm, meet your wife and have the conversation along the line affaircare mentioned. Let her know you love her and she is welcome home. 

Maintain clear thinking, be a loving and forgiving husband, plan for the next steps do not agreed to a divorce, find Plan A or ask for it from this site and be familiar with the steps. 

Q: Where is your wife staying?

Let his wife know, do not mess around this is to important for you..

Best wishes


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Russell2:

Hopefully you continue to connect to this forum…

If you are going to save your marriage you need to do some of the following ASAP, and do feel guilty, shy or remorseful.

You need to expose the EA to her family, friends and the other mans wife. If you cannot get though on the mobiles send a text. You may choose your own words an eg. below:

As you may already be aware my wife has been conducting and affair with her business partner, name xxxx, please provide us all with your support whilst we work on rebuilding our marriage. 

Please do not delay or assume you get another route, this is the one of the steps to break the affair. 

Make every effort and take every opportunity to expose this, you need to kill the thrill.

Post regularly, advice will be offered for each step.


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Turnera is correct. I would definitley get her to disclose the texts or make her aware of how many times she is talking to him. 

This is a flag, even if it is an emotional affair, it needs to stop.


----------

