# Looking for Clarity



## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Hi All, Im Back.
Just find out that my wife was cheating on me with one of her male friend from work.

You can read my story from below link.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/196250-how-cope-no-love-care-intimacy-respect-sex.html

So last week I find one year old pictures from her old mobile. Got Nude pics of OM masturbating. apparently they shared nude pictures.
I didn't get any proof for PA. But I think it's been done as there were lots of opportunities for them as I was out of state most of the time in last 2 years.

I have confronted her, At first she denied everything. then told she was drunk. Tried to put guilt on me (as she told she was angry on me that time).

She told me that she is not having any more contact with this guy anymore. He moved to another country. I told her that I will give her one more chance. I will forgive but wont forget.

My problem is I am destroyed, I felt like the world's biggest looser, And I felt inadequate as a man. OM is handsome and I wasn't good enough for her.

Whenever I look at her face my mind is telling me that SHE CHOSE HIM OVER ME and NOW SHE IS FAKING LOVE as she couldn't have the OM. 
How can I ever overcome these feelings. I don't like to have a race with OM to win her back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why were you out of state for most of the last 2 years? 

It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity. You are only just starting that journey. So be patient with yourself. 

Some individual counseling might help you work through the feelings you are having. Marriage counseling might help the two of you put things back together if that's what you want.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First come to terms w/ what you already know...

She's lying.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

I was working in client location for 8 months.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you were too quick to just move on...you are jumping over a chasm of stuff here.....you need to circle back with her and you need to knwo a lof of stuff here
1. you need her to accept the affair as her mistake (sounds like she hasn't)
2. you need no contact at all
3. you need exposure
4. you need the entire truth until she is tired of giving it
5. you need her to do the heavy lifting 
6. you need to know what she will do to save this marriage 

this si just for starter


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

ILMW said:


> My problem is I am destroyed, I felt like the world's biggest looser, And I felt inadequate as a man. OM is handsome and I wasn't good enough for her.
> 
> *Your feelings are normal. You are reeling from this terrible blow that can't be denied any longer. You now know SHE broke her vows to you. She has desrespected the marriage. She did it all. No excuse. It's her selfish act. When you reach the anger stage you will see the truth. *
> 
> ...



Time will help with the feelings. No other way through them. You are familiar with the site. Detach using the 180. Visit a doctor because you may very well be depressed. She is faking love. She did choose OM, but because of her issues. Her cheating is ALL about her. If she would of wanted your help, she would have sat you down and told you something was very wrong with the marriage. 

She is only with you because he left her and then you found out. Why are you offering to forgive her? Is she remorseful. Has she told you everything you needed to know about the affair, or is she blaming you for her transgressions? No loving wife would do this to their husband. 

i know this is harsh, but it's your reality regardless of your overwhelming feelings. Fence sit until you have a clear idea as to what you want to do. Limbo isn't easy, but rushing through things isn't either. 

I'm sure others will give great advice on what to do to help you feel better.

Bibi


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ILMW said:


> I am starting this thread to discuss the problems I'm facing in my
> Life.
> Me-27 W-26 married for 3 years.
> Issues:
> ...




Cant imagine why you would want to keep this woman.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

ILMW said:


> Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
> How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
> She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.


How? Identify the cause of such humiliation and disrespect and remove them from your life!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Read your posts, what advice would you give to someone who psted that information?

Your wife is still lying and still playing you for a fool. If you want to actually R, get the full truth so you know what you are being sked to forgive. Your offer of forgiveness the way you did looks a lot more like rug sweeping. That doesn't work. Address all of the issues head on or D or live a miserable life.

She was angry at you so she found a lover. Guess you will have to hope that she never gets angry again...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

ILMW said:


> Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
> How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
> She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.


ILMW you know where the door is right

Show it to her

And regain your self respect.

55


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

ILMW said:


> I told her that I will give her one more chance. I will forgive but wont forget.


*Double Secret Probation
*

_Originally used in the 1978 American college classic film "Animal House," dean Wormer puts the rowdy Delta Tau Chi fraternity on a "double secret probation," since the Delta House is already on probation. The term has since evolved to mean the act of being on probation while still partying on a regular basis. _


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ILMW said:


> Whenever I look at her face my mind is telling me that SHE CHOSE HIM OVER ME and NOW SHE IS FAKING LOVE as she couldn't have the OM. *How can I ever overcome these feelings.*


You will likely never overcome them completely. But if you come close, it will be because your wife convinces you that you are plan A instead of B; and that takes years, not months.

How? By her showing you consistent remorse, love, and affection. By receiving and accepting consequences. By owning what she did. By being willing to do the heavy lifting; not just for a while - but for the rest of your R.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

badmemory said:


> You will likely never overcome them completely. But if you come close, it will be because your wife convinces you that you are plan A instead of B; and that takes years, not months.
> 
> How? By her showing you consistent remorse, love, and affection. By receiving and accepting consequences. By owning what she did. By being willing to do the heavy lifting; not just for a while - but for the rest of your R.


Did you read his other thread? Just a wild guess but I'll bet she's not doing any of this (and never will).

ILMW, you made a big mistake forgiving her so quickly. Words are cheap. At the very least, you should have waited to see if her behavior changed.

So how is she treating you now? Is she constantly telling you how sorry she is for having cheated? Does she kiss you every day and tell you that she loves you? Has she stopped watching TV when she gets home from work and started cooking your dinner? Does she want to spend time with you? Has she tried to initiate sex? In other words, has she stopped doing all the bad things she was doing while she was cheating and started behaving like a loving wife?

Call me a cynic, but I won't be holding my breath waiting for your reply.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ILMW said:


> Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
> How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
> She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.


Do you want to reconcile or do you want help leaving?

It all boils down to that.

Is she actually seeking to reconcile? Meaning she's taking accountability, expressed regret and remorse, is now transparent, is working to try to fix things....


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## Duiker (Jun 26, 2015)

You titled your post "looking for clarity". Please listen to what people on here have to say. I'm in the middle of dealing with the fallout of my wife's infidelity and this site has been so helpful.

You don't have to follow any particular course of action, but read up and most of all DO NOT devalue yourself or take ANY responsibility whatsoever for her affair.

As many on here will tell you, own 50% of what was wrong in the marriage and 0% of her affair.

Affairs happen because certain people feel entitled to get what they want at the cost of others, despite any type of personal ethics they may profess belief in . It is 100% a problem with her core character that caused this. If you are considering R, then that is what it boils down to.

I usually just lurk here, but I wanted to put in a word because I completely feel your pain. It's the most painful thing I have experienced in my life. It does get better though. ....trust in that.

Read up on what Dr. George Simon has to say about guilt, remorse, empathy and contrition.

Hang in there brother!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ILMW said:


> I was working in client location for 8 months.


8 months or 2 years?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here. I just read your other post and man you are in deep trouble .

Your wife decided to ignore your feelings,intimacy. She refused almost any sex with you,she was even hitting you .

If you want to look at the future and be happy you need to divorce her. She is "back with you" only because OM dumped her. She will find another one trust me on this one.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

ILMW said:


> Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
> How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
> She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.



You love her because you don't have a shut off valve to close the love you have for your wife. You gave it freely without conditions. 

She emotionally detached from you a long time ago. Your journey is just beginning. She is way ahead of you in this mess. Be patient with yourself. Take care of yourself by seeing a doctor and a therapist. Take walks, or go to the gym. Buy a punching bag and punch away!

I used to take long drives through the country roads and just scream like a wounded animal. I couldn't do it at home as I had 2 kids there. The balling, yelling, cussing, cursing etc. made me feel better. I used my son's punching bag a lot. Worked out in the gym. Resumed activities I had placed in the back burner. But most of all, talking to my two sisters was by far the best thing that helped me through it. They were always there for me and would pick up the phone at any time.

Do you have friends or family that will be a lending ear on those times when you have to take things as slow as an hour at a time? 

I also immersed myself in work and going back to school.

Hope this helps,

Bibi


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## Duiker (Jun 26, 2015)

I just read your original post from the other topic.

In regards to my previous post, disregard. Owning 50% of the problem with the marriage is probably being too generous to her.

If what you shared is true, then there are some very deep problems going on, and her affair is just another painful symptom of it.

You really need to get some help. This situation you are in is tearing you apart. A person can only handle that kind of abuse for so long.

If you ever want it to change, you MUST work on you. Don't do anything for the purpose of changing her or saving your marriage. If she is going to change, that's a decision that she will have to make and commit to, and your continued acquiescence and surrender to her will is not doing her any favors in that department.

Stop seeing this through the lens of what you want it to be. Come to terms with the reality of the situation, do some serious soul searching and make your move.

If you do nothing about it, then nothing will happen indeed.

Hoping for the best for you.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ILMW said:


> Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
> How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
> She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.


I'm going to give it to you straight my man. Ditch her and move on. Youre never going to get anywhere with this humiliation in your face making you feel like a loser. You will always depend on her for affirmation. Where do you think that's going to get you?
The best thing you can do for yourself is quit pretending she's the only one for you because, "I love her so much", get rid of her and start dating other chicks. Ain't nothing that will get you out of, " _My problem is I am destroyed, I felt like the world's biggest looser, And I felt inadequate as a man. OM is handsome and I wasn't good enough for her."_ than to date a lot of chicks. Women like your old lady are man eaters. You'll end up ground to powder if you're stupid enough to stay in the relationship.
Where did, "_Notes: I won't divorce her because I love her very much."_, get you so far. You're f'd if you don't walk away. You can regain your self respect by doing something more than kissing her azz.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

ILMW said:


> I have confronted her, At first she denied everything. then told she was drunk. Tried to put guilt on me (as she told she was angry on me that time).


 If she would have given you any excuse but the two above I would say you have a chance.

The got drunk excuse is the old stand by for anyone caught and they can blame it on they weren't in their right mind but seem to forget that they were before they got drunk so that goes out the window.

Now the one where she tries making it out like it's your fault and she did it out of spite and anger should tell you what you need to know.

If she's going to go out and drop trow any time she gets pissed then a second chance isn't worth it. 

Those excuses mentioned above tell me that it's going to be awful hard for them to admit their mistake and show a real remorse. I got a feeling your wasting your time and effort.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Time will heal what you are going through but you have to stand back and look at your situation.

There is never any excuse for committing adultery, so that is totally on your wife. There were obviously problems in your marriage before hand but her way of handling them was completely wrong.
The two year travelling away from home (or 8 months) is probably the event that caused the chasm between you.

Was this two year away thing discussed thoroughly with your wife?
How did you try and keep connected with her while away?
Did you come back or visit each other at all?
Does she work full time?
Do you have any kids, pets, etc

Did she at any point bring up this as a potential problem? When wives lose the emotional connection due to distance, that can kind of kill the relationship, especially if the guy is not doing anything about it. Guys seem to manage by focusing on their work, earning the money, establishing a career etc (and often neglect the emotional aspect of their relationship) much to the detriment of the marriage. I only bring this us because if you do want to R it will be a long shot. You both need counselling for this.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

aine said:


> I only bring this us because if you do want to R it will be a long shot. You both need counselling for this.


Word...

Umm....So you forgave her. Did you set down any "rules"? Forgive me, but I'm not reading anything about remorse, drawing lines, deal breakers, transparency...I'm seeing nothing of that.

My wife has full open access to my home computer (I leave it on when I leave for work and insist she takes full advantage), has a cam in my office, GPS on my phone, access to all credit cards and bank accounts.

I see nothing of that sort here. WTF???


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

​


MountainRunner said:


> Word...
> 
> Umm....So you forgave her. Did you set down any "rules"? Forgive me, but I'm not reading anything about remorse, drawing lines, deal breakers, transparency...I'm seeing nothing of that.
> 
> ...


The difference is simple, man. 

You took accountability for your actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I decided it best to read your old thread before commenting. 

So basically you were abused, denied, sex, and made to feel worthless, whilst she was having an affair with this other man. And now you seek clarity.

The only clarity you should be seeking is that you lay down the law and she does things your way, or she ships out into Divorce court.

Sorry to come accross strong and sorry you are here but unless you enforce some real time consequences your situation is permenantly stuffed.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You didn't say if there are kids in the mix, so I take there are none.

The only help you need is IC to find out why YOU don't love yourself.

What you need is to separate from her until you grow up. Until you come to understand feelings and self-preservation, you will never ever be in a relationship of equals.
Sorry, but your situ, is just plain sad.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

ILMW said:


> Thank you all for the quick response. I need help for myself.
> How can I love someone knowing that they chose OM over you.
> She humiliated me, How can I regain my self respect.


It's not a competition with the OM as it could have been anyone. The WS is really addicted to the affair itself, not the AP. She didn't choose him over you, he was someone that feed her ego. The fact he is the type of person that would fool around with a married woman already puts him below you. Ignore his looks, that plays little to no part in it. 99% of the time women cheat for attention, not for sex.

You can get your self respect back by doing what you should have done at first, file for a divorce and see what happens. You don't actually have to finalize it but it will give you some control back and spare your dignity. Any guy with an ounce of self worth would not tolerate staying with a cheating spouse without them at least experiencing some consequences. 

People who don't suffer consequences for their actions will never change.


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