# 20yr marriage, soulmates, EA, and now a TUMOR



## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Bullet points, because they help me to not be so verbose:

June: Husband said things to OW like “you’re my #1 fan”, “when you’re hurting it feels like it’s happening to me”, “that’s what I love about you” which devastated me because there were many problems I toughed out for 20 years (financial, spiritual) _because_ he was _my best friend_. He gave that away and broke my heart. 
 He went over to OW’s house, supposedly to look at some vintage things she wanted to sell, but later admitted talking about our problems with her. Says OW’s daughter was there, too, and he didn’t touch OW. That night I looked at his FB acct and saw the above messages.
 DDay#2: Agreed to NC when confronted, but broke NC because he said he couldn’t just drop out of her life with no explanation, that it wasn’t the “Christian” thing to do, that if he saw her in our small town it would be weirder with no explanation. NC is totally inconvenient for all of us for various reasons – we were clients and our families are interconnected.
 Broke NC by taking a letter to her business, did not inform me or let me read it. Did not tell me till I asked where he went for lunch.
 DDay#3 (October): Weeks passed, I thought we were moving forward. We celebrated our 21st anniversary, and then I discovered that he broke NC again in a most offensive way which would take a long and laborious story to explain. Short version, he gave her a manuscript of a book he wrote, his first, his prize, his life’s work, before I read it. Apparently he felt she deserved it because she was his #1 fan, and I didn’t because I kind of wanted a more stable income after years and years of empty dreams and was never 100% supportive of the book, though I tried. His reasoning was that the book was dead (part of our whole problem) and he HAD to share it with someone (I’ll add: who appreciated it).
 To me, this was the equivalent of a PA producing a child – a monument to their bond. I was torn, didn’t want her to have it, didn’t want him to get it, certainly didn’t want to get it myself (not to mention the fact that she told him she’d “guard it with her life”). I decided to let it rest a while. 
 A large percentage of his arguing has consisted of him defending her loyalty, motives, morals, etc.
 It’s been a bunch of back and forth; us feeling close, me crying, me being cool, and back again. When I try to talk to him about it he listens but is silent, I don’t know what’s going on inside. We need MC but have very few options. He has been trying to give me what I need as far as love and romance and admitted he got too close but seems to want to hang on to that it is because _I couldn’t handle a woman best friend_.
 But this manuscript problem eats at me. It’s a bond and I wonder if we can move forward until that is broken.
 He has been sick off and on since this started. Now yesterday I took him to doctor and they found a _lump_ in the roof of his mouth that could potentially be cancer. His sister was just diagnosed days after Christmas with breast cancer and started her first round of chemo this Monday. This will be devastating and I am very, very close with his Mom, who supports me in this EA.
 I imagine him dying with OW having the manuscript and I realize he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I feel like a Very Very Bad Person for wanting this fixed NOW.
 Help?
No privacy, so I'm not sure when I can get back on (homeschool, five kids, pc in living room)


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

He is definitely cake-eating. If you don't want to accept his relationship with her, then you have to act. You should do one or more of the following. Expose the relationship to both families. Lower the thermostat/run the 180, which means not being his loving, supporting wife while he has another loving, supporting woman in his life. File for separation/divorce.

Don't make another ultimatum. He's already shown you that he's not buying it. You'll tell him not to contact her, or else, and he'll do it anyway. Now, it's your turn to show him what "or else" means.

Don't let his health throw you. This is an entirely separate matter. Your instinct will be to just wait and continue in the status quo until he the labs come back fine, or until he has chemo, or whatever. I can tell you, nothing will fill you with resentment like, worst case scenario, your husband fighting cancer while you are changing his bed pan and he's Facebooking his girlfriend about how she's the only one that really cares about him.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Thanks for the reply PHTlump. A couple of weeks ago I did expose the relationship to his parents and mine. He knows that they know but that's as far as that has gone. They want us to go to pastor for MC.

I am working on the 180. We talked and I realized that he's not willing at this point to get that manuscript back. The idea of having both the OW and myself as an open marriage really hit home for me - I can't have that. Hopefully the 180 will cause remorse. I do believe he wants to save our marriage, just hasn't faced the reality of what he did and is. I guess it's up to me to make that happen.

Because I didn't see the original NC letter, I don't know what kind of spin he put on it. I do know he said something to her about me thinking such and such. I want a formal NC with a request to return the manuscript.

I just hate the timing, but feel if I don't achieve this now, it could destroy me and our family. We have a few weeks before we know what this lump is and I am hoping for some results in that time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

me2pointoh said:


> Thanks for the reply PHTlump. A couple of weeks ago I did expose the relationship to his parents and mine. He knows that they know but that's as far as that has gone. They want us to go to pastor for MC.


By both families, I meant your family (and your husbands), and the other woman's family. Her family may be able to stop the affair on that end.



me2pointoh said:


> I am working on the 180. ... Hopefully the 180 will cause remorse. I do believe he wants to save our marriage, just hasn't faced the reality of what he did and is. I guess it's up to me to make that happen.


The 180 does often result in a wake up call to the disloyal spouse that he is losing his family. However, the primary goal of the 180 is for you to distance yourself emotionally from your husband. That will make it easier for you to enforce your boundaries, and eventually divorce, if necessary.



me2pointoh said:


> Because I didn't see the original NC letter, I don't know what kind of spin he put on it. I do know he said something to her about me thinking such and such. I want a formal NC with a request to return the manuscript.


That's not a NC letter. You can Google for templates, but the basic letter should say that the relationship was inappropriate and toxic to his marriage. That he values his marriage more than his relationship with the other woman, and therefore, he will never contact her again, and she should never contact him, either. And, you should obviously add in the part about getting his manuscript back. He writes it, signs it, and gives it to you to read through and mail to be sure it gets delivered. Then, he gives you complete transparency so that you can check his phone/email/Facebook any time you want to verify that he's not contacting her. And, you should probably put a keylogger on the PC to be sure he hasn't simply created a new email account to use just for the affair.



me2pointoh said:


> I just hate the timing, but feel if I don't achieve this now, it could destroy me and our family. We have a few weeks before we know what this lump is and I am hoping for some results in that time.


Maybe this scare can motivate him to prioritize you over her. I hope so. If not, you've got to be willing to take the next step toward pulling away from him.

Good luck.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

An update to this: h and i have been working on r. I decided to put the nc letter on hold because it can't happen without that manuscript in our hands first ( otherwise it voids nc as he thinks she'll only give it to him). We also put that on hold till we felt the timing was right, which it is now. There had been no contact and the ea is long over. H seems to be completely out of the fog and sees damage, finally owned up, working to heal our marriage and now wants to do this for me. However, he thinks getting the manuscript back is going to be an issue. He feels she received it as a gift from him.

We agreed that the best way to contact her was through a fb message. No she wasn't blocked and had never tried to contact him (they are not friends on fb obviously). I do know everything he does on the computer and phone. Well, she has ignored his message and he is spending time imagining scenarios, and that is how he came to tell me he doesn't think she'll give it back.

I do have a family member of hers that might be able to help influence her, but if all that fails, what other recourse do i have to get this thing back? Legal? Probably not right? I am not vindictive and don't need revenge or anything like that. I don't feel a need to expose because this thing is over, but i need to get this manuscript back. The last thing i want is to make her mad so she just keeps it to be mean.

Also, i've come to realize that much of what my h did can be traced back to his add/adhd and the impulsivity that it brings. He still crossed fuzzy boundaries, but i see the impulsivity behind the mistakes and have had to look at this in light of that. It's been hard to read him because of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I think the both of you should go to her home and knock on the door, holding hands. When she comes to the door, say "We're here to get John's manuscript. We'll wait outside." After she gives it to you, hand her the NC letter and walk away. I'd try that before worrying about any possible legal remedies. How is his tumor?


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Benign, thank God. I had thought of going with but the prospect is vomit inducing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

I understand, but it sounds like you're driving yourself crazy worrying over it. I'd get it over with, I'd probably have done it as soon as I found out that she had it.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Forget the manuscript. It is not important. Stop driving yourslf crazy over a thing.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

I have been thinking lately if she just didn't give it up if i could live with that. I don't know, it's just such a precious gift. I guess it will be what it will be and i'll have to deal. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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