# Can watching porn alone be good for a marriage?



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Is watching porn by yourself ever a good thing? My W and I have a good sex life but she is more conservative than I am. She won't change the way she is, and I can try and pretend that certain things don't excite me, but that's just pretending. 
So watching porn is a way to indulge my needs without acting on them. 
I have always convinced myself that doing this actually helps our marriage more than hurting it.
My W doesn't know, or is turning a blind eye to it. I have a high drive, but I can't get enthusiastic for vanilla more than about once per week. She has a normal drive, but doesn't get the urge to go beyond vanilla more than once or twice per month. So we settle on about once per week. The time in between I watch porn to get by.
I have not experienced a need for escalation or a need to act out the stuff I watch. In fact, my preference for porn has gone away from "actors" and now I only get excited by amateur porn from normal people who post their videos on amateur sites. I'm not looking for anything over the top, just amateur couples that enjoy better than vanilla.
So is this wrong, is it addiction and is it harmful given my situation?


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## RocketMonger (Aug 4, 2012)

It might screw up your libido as your brain gets the dopamine fix from porn and rewires itself to seek that in favor of real sex.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think that letting her know that you're turning to porn because she won't meet your needs can be good for your marriage. I think that hiding that fact is basically always bad for your marriage. When you say "watching porn by yourself" I'm not sure whether you mean in "private" or "secretly".


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## sadathome (Aug 14, 2012)

Porn is a deal breaker in my marriage. You need to talk to your W and come to some kind of compromise. 

In my case, I have a very high libido and my H is not meeting my needs and has not in years. He engaged in "secret" porn watching (several years ago) and it hurt me emotionally and made me very angry that I was not good enough. I am not "vanilla" either. Don't get me wrong vanilla can be good but I like spicy too. BTW, we still have not come up with a compromise so please know that I am not suggesting that this is easy.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Porn is fine. People get so hung up on it and overreact. If I didn't use it, I would drive my LD wife more crazy than I do now. I see it this way - it buys me time until she gives in for the infrequent vanilla sex and goes rid of that urge. What's better - spending a little extra time alone on the computer or stepping out on yor marriage? 

If my wife ever had a problem with it (which she is fully aware of and not opposed), then it create friction and arguments because I would merely tell her to stop being so lame and closed-minded when it comes to sex.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

If you are asking that question...then you already know its not what's right for your marriage. If you are looking for approval to do so by having others tell you it's ok (or even tell u it's not ok), I'd be willing to bet you need to up your leadership abilities/ self confidence in your marriage.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Furthermore, if you stepped up your role in your marriage as a leader, decision maker,dominate confident man....you may find out what your wife can really be like in bed. When you hit an issue in your marriage ,however big or small the issue may be, and you address it by avoiding the real issue at hand....your heading down a bad path. When my husband addresses issues head on...there is NO need for porn


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Plus.....if you go to porn.....your essentially telling your wife it's ok to never explore new options in your sex life and that her playing it safe in bed is acceptable to you.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I can't tell her that I watch porn. I tried that a long time ago and she felt that I should be satisfied with just her. If I really loved her, I wouldn't need any kind of sex beyond "normal" and I wouldn't need to watch anyone else and self-satisfy.
She has loosened up on the just having normal (vanilla), but she still thinks that if I ask for more than vanilla too often, then I don't love her enough to be satisfied just by her, instead of visual aides.
My point is that they are aides, not substitutes.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Porn is fine. People get so hung up on it and overreact. If I didn't use it, I would drive my LD wife more crazy than I do now. I see it this way - it buys me time until she gives in for the infrequent vanilla sex and goes rid of that urge. What's better - spending a little extra time alone on the computer or stepping out on yor marriage?
> 
> If my wife ever had a problem with it (which she is fully aware of and not opposed), then it create friction and arguments because I would merely tell her to stop being so lame and closed-minded when it comes to sex.


C'mon....you are just giving the very behavior you wish we're different positive reinforcement.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Jeapordy said:


> I can't tell her that I watch porn. I tried that a long time ago and she felt that I should be satisfied with just her. If I really loved her, I wouldn't need any kind of sex beyond "normal" and I wouldn't need to watch anyone else and self-satisfy.
> She has loosened up on the just having normal (vanilla), but she still thinks that if I ask for more than vanilla too often, then I don't love her enough to be satisfied just by her, instead of visual aides.
> My point is that they are aides, not substitutes.


Aides? Be prepared for the sex I your marriage to become more and more boring if you see it that way.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Missy, not every woman responds to what you consider positive/constructive assertiveness the same way you do.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

RocketMonger said:


> It might screw up your libido as your brain gets the dopamine fix from porn and rewires itself to seek that in favor of real sex.


This...plus, what does your wife think? Is she ok with you watching porn?









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

If my husband wasn't satisfied with our sex life....I would rather him turn to me then go to porn.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

moco82 said:


> Missy, not every woman responds to what you consider positive/constructive assertiveness the same way you do.


It's in our DNA to want that. That want, or satisfaction with "want"', isn't always overtly expressed by women though. We are taught to go against our biological instincts. Anyway, if a woman doesntrespond well, the man might not be setting it up for herin a way that she feels safe to respond. If a man does what he needs to do...a women will most certainly respond to that leadership well. If the man waivers often or doesn't take care of himself or any other number of things......a woman would most certainly respond well to that assertiveness.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> C'mon....you are just giving the very behavior you wish we're different positive reinforcement.


Maybe so (if I'm understanding you correctly). But I look at it as survival mode and waiting for her to get involved in some fashion every day is a pipe dream.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I guess I would have to know your definition on what vanilla and not vanilla sex is. I have had enough exposure in the swinging world to know that "vanilla" is a commonly used term with them and to them it means monogomous. Is it that she isn't giving you sex enough or that she isn't giving in to a certain kink enough?

I use to not have a problem with porn until time after time about a year ago that my husband chose to relieve himself with it rather than with his HD wife who was waiting for him in the bedroom. What was his excuse? I guess it was just alot easier to just please himself than to have "work" at pleasing me too. I kind of resent him to this day for making me into "that wife" that has a problem with porn.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Maybe so (if I'm understanding you correctly). But I look at it as survival mode and waiting for her to get involved in some fashion every day is a pipe dream.


40 I hear ya....but, welcome to the work part of marriage. Sometimes its easy to forget work is to be done when you hit those tough spots in the marriage. I know....I have been there many a time. Just planting a seed my friend


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Jeapordy....jeopardy? Anyway, have u read/heard of married mans sex primer?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

As you use it, I don’t see it as a ‘helpful’ thing. First, it keeps alive in you this idea of ‘better sex’ as defined by porn actors. Because of this, you will tend to compare and see the sex with your wife as a negative perception because she is unknowingly in competition with fantasy sex. Second, it isn’t a solution to your problem at all; Porn isn’t fixing that you are getting what I’d call ‘marriage sex’ (lights off, under the covers, kids sleeping, quiet and reserved.. probably missionary). That takes work from both of you. 

So, sort of shifting it to an odd observation I’ve noted in my own sex life. If I restrain from masturbation and have sex with my wife within a few hours... My orgasms are more intense, longer, and there’s a lot more man ‘stuff’. My wife I’ve noticed seems to have a ego boost when I have these large climaxes... Porn is not necessary though; Foreplay, anticipation, and a bit of sexual frustration (the good kind), also works this way. I understand it has more to do with body chemistry and ‘production’ of your body in reaction to stimulus more than anything else...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> Plus.....if you go to porn.....your essentially telling your wife it's ok to never explore new options in your sex life and that her playing it safe in bed is acceptable to you.


Missy,
You're on a roll there!

But all valid points though!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jeapordy said:


> I can't tell her that I watch porn. I tried that a long time ago and she felt that I should be satisfied with just her. If I really loved her, I wouldn't need any kind of sex beyond "normal" and I wouldn't need to watch anyone else and self-satisfy.
> She has loosened up on the just having normal (vanilla), but she still thinks that if I ask for more than vanilla too often, then I don't love her enough to be satisfied just by her, instead of visual aides.
> My point is that they are aides, not substitutes.


Was your sex life vanilla before you two were married?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree with missy, when my SO is dominate I have an incredibly HD. 

I think porn is very very harmful to relationships, helps avoid intimacy and issues and creates unrealistic expectations, it does nothing for human pair bonding which is vital for remaining in a long term loving relationship. 

Ditch the porn and man up. She's not meeting your needs, but are you meeting hers? 
I think you would be amazed that if you changed tacts and stood your ground how much your wife may come to admire you and be sexually aroused by you.

This does not mean becoming an A hole but rather a leader and a man who treats his wife very but also will not be walked all over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

moco82 said:


> Missy, not every woman responds to what you consider positive/constructive assertiveness the same way you do.


:iagree: And not every marriage is boring because one partner watches porn. 

I watch it and our sex life is very satisfying. My use of porn is rather infrequent (twice a month or less) If my husband is sleeping and I am horny at 2AM, I would rather not wake him for sex. 

My husband is the perfect mix between alpha and beta. Sometimes it is very hard for a man to find the fine line between being "manning up" and being an arrogant and bossy douche. My hubby is very careful with the alpha way of behaving because he knows I have had relationships with men who were too controlling; I am sensitive to feeling dominated because of that. 

I love it when people think that whatever goes on in their marriage is exactly what everyone else experiences.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I'm sleeping and my wife wakes up horny at 2am she had damn well BETTER wake me up.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Was your sex life vanilla before you two were married?


Not a fair question, and I think you know it Ele. I think you're usually pretty fair on things but I don't agree with the direction of this at all. Just because someone is one way at first doesn't mean the partners have to live with that forever or that they shouldn't expect some growth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not a fair question, and I think you know it Ele. I think you're usually pretty fair on things but I don't agree with the direction of this at all. Just because someone is one way at first doesn't mean the partners have to live with that forever or that they shouldn't expect some growth.


I don't think it's an unfair question.

For example... if she says she as vanilla then.... well why did he marry her? Why was it ok then and not now?

If she was not vanilla then.... it indicates that there are other issues in the marriage and over time he could work for more spark in their sex life. 

Either way it sounds like his porn use is a pressure valve on the marriage... it allows him to get some satisfact and keeps her from having the pressure of living up to her expectations. This is not good for a marriage really.

Porn use is not automatically wrong. It depends on many things in the relationship on whether it's hurting the marriage or not.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree: And not every marriage is boring because one partner watches porn.
> 
> I watch it and our sex life is very satisfying. My use of porn is rather infrequent (twice a month or less) If my husband is sleeping and I am horny at 2AM, I would rather not wake him for sex.
> 
> ...


Well the original postedexpressed dissatisfaction with vanilla. And so his remedy for that was porn. So that's what I'm responding to.

Isn't your wife enough? 

Instead of spending my precious time watching other people have contrived sex, i would rather Take care of my husband.

And I would hope my husband wouldn't waste an orgasm on that contrived sex either. Getting off on porn would mean and extra round of sex down the drain for me that day!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Ops thought u were male...


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> :iagree: And not every marriage is boring because one partner watches porn.
> 
> I watch it and our sex life is very satisfying. My use of porn is rather infrequent (twice a month or less) If my husband is sleeping and I am horny at 2AM, I would rather not wake him for sex.
> 
> ...


That would be incredibly naieve of me to think that....to your last comment. Of course I know that's not the case,..that's why I am on here. 

I do know that I have learned wonderful things from some of the major contributors (research and theory wise) to marriage/couples therapy. And relationship and family as well.....

I also know that my husband and I work hard at our marriage.....and we will continue to evolve and grow together and have good sex along the way.

It isn't about the porn. It's about what's not being talked about when he's talking about the porn.


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

It works in my marriage. My wife actually bought me some DVDs with some themes that she knew that I liked. There is also no shortage of media from the internet. We have two small children, and she had difficult pregnancies. Having another outlet safe sexual outlet has been a good thing for us. Sometimes, I watch alone, and sometimes, we watch together. My libido is still higher than hers right now for a couple of reasons, and we are both working on accommodating each others' needs during this time. Restraining from masturbation is NOT a good solution for me. 

My wife is pretty open minded in bed (not too vanilla) and is very non-judgmental of me. She makes the funniest comments when we watch porn together. I can't say that porn works in all marriages, but it's been a good thing in our marriage. 

The idea that porn degrades my desire for my real-life spouse is baloney.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Revel, this was a decision you and your wife made together. Op is leaving wife out of the decision making.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

So am I the only one whose W has gotten more conservative over the years as kids showed up and she puts on weight and gets self conscious? Am I the only one who wants their W to be more kinky but can't find a way to convince her that it is normal? I'm talking about things like trimming the bush weekly (I do), and picking out porn we can watch together instead of me always picking, her taking the lead on talking dirty, her picking out lingerie without me having to ask her to do it for a special ocassion. These aren't crazy ideas.
Sure, I'd like her to lose weight, but I'd rather have a kinky and chubby W versus a skinny prude.
On top of this, my W is very opinionated and strong willed, dare I say judgmental. She is a successful professional career woman. So after enduring a few discussions with her crying after I was honest and assertive about what I like, I took the easier route. I didn't arrive where I am for no reason. Every discussion or argument in a marriage has an outcome.
If you look at all the elements of a strong marriage, we are rock solid on every one except the sex. That is an important one, but we have an acceptable sex life, just not the one I would like to have, but she would probably say the same thing.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

No you aren't. What do u think would happen if u stepped it up...dress nicer...new hair...whiten your teeth..I dunno,whatever one does to improve their physical appearance and take care of themselves. Not saying Anything about the way you look. You could already look better than most, more put together than most etc...but just what if you up-ep it some. And let's say you and your wife go to dinner after you have kicked it up a notch but shehasremainedthe same...and she notices a few women checking you out throughout the night. Do you think that would prompt her to step it up to?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Point blank OP, ask her. You don't want her accidently finding it one day on your computer.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would just like to point something out-

Just because someone does not like porn doesn't mean they are closed-minded sexually or shallow.. Everyone has reasons and I Have mine.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Depends on what's happening in the marriage. If the husband has lost sexual attraction and desire for his wife porn can be a good thing because it allows him to obtain sexual satisfaction without having to leave home and get involved with a third party. Many a long term marriage that is sexless has lasted because of the husband's easy access to porn on the internet at home.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Haven't watched porn since my divorce.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> Well the original postedexpressed dissatisfaction with vanilla. And so his remedy for that was porn. So that's what I'm responding to.
> 
> Isn't your wife enough?
> 
> ...


I am a hetero female. I do not have a wife. 

My husband is more than enough, but sometimes I am horny and he is not home or sleeping. So I take care of myself with porn. 

No matter what your opinion is on porn, people will still use it to get off and some even enjoy it with their spouses. Couples are entitled to their preferences, as long as they aren't hurting anyone. I am tolerant enough to know that not everyone has the same sexual tastes as me, so I will not lose sleep over such a private matter.

No orgasm is ever a waste. Whether they occur with a partner or alone, orgasms are wonderful and satisfying. My husband and I don't feel the need to ration our orgasms; there are plenty to go around. :smthumbup:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> That would be incredibly naieve of me to think that....to your last comment. Of course I know that's not the case,..that's why I am on here.
> 
> I do know that I have learned wonderful things from some of the major contributors (research and theory wise) to marriage/couples therapy. And relationship and family as well.....
> 
> ...


If the comment was meant for you, I would have used your screen name. I was talking about people in general. 

On this website, I have noticed that many members feel the need to criticize and make negative assumptions about marriages which are different from theirs. I don't understand the reason for that because we all conduct our marriages as we see fit. 

When I posted about my use of porn the marriage, I was simply adding my take on this matter. I just wanted to give a point of view that was different from the "ALL PORN USE IS BAAAAD!" commentary. 

Glad that you and your husband have a good marriage. We have a happy and passionate one as well, one that is too strong to be threatened by some infrequent porn use. Of course, this is because I do not use porn more than I have sex with my husband.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Porn is wicked, evil, bad, and awful, blah, blah, blah, blah blah...

Same tune, different day here at TAM.

OP the mistake you're making is hiding your porn/masturbation. Nobody needs to hide the fact that they're sexual beings from their spouse, and pretend that the limited, vanilla sex they're getting is enough. On what freaking planet is it OK for some woman to gift you with DOA sex two or three times a month? Give me a break. Your wife is WRONG. 

You need to crack open that porn and jack off right in front of her face. For some of these sexually dead spouses that just might be the wake up call they need. Don't EVER hide the fact that you're a virile man who needs spice, variety, and frequent sex. That is a blessing, and not a curse, and not something that needs to be masked or hidden. If she spends time trying to convince you that infrequent, vanilla sex is what you need to do to "prove" that you love her, that if you love her that should be enough, don't believe that BS. That's MANIPULATION, and she damn well knows it. She doesn't give a **** about your sexual needs. All she cares about is guilting you into accepting a near sexless marriage just so she can maintain her status quo, which is virtually no sex.

Don't let these people at this board make you feel like you're the problem for turning to porn in a sexually lifeless marriage. Take your porn watching and masturbation out of the shadows, make it a known factor in your marriage, and see where things go from there.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> No orgasm is ever a waste. Whether they occur with a partner or alone, orgasms are wonderful and satisfying. My husband and I don't feel the need to ration our orgasms; there are plenty to go around. :smthumbup:


Thank you! I laughed at that "waste an orgasm" business. :rofl:

I can't even with some of the assumptions made on TAM about the way the human body works. Maybe one "wastes an orgasm" if it takes them days to recover from one. But all of us aren't built like that. I've cum two and three times during the day, and STILL had plenty left over for my wife if we had sex later on.

Also my wife does not own my orgasms anymore than I own hers. I didn't just develop the ability to pop one off because I got married. This line of thinking suggests that every orgasm I "spent" during a healthy self-sexual experience was somehow a "waste", or lesser than. Give me a damn break!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> If the comment was meant for you, I would have used your screen name. I was talking about people in general.
> 
> On this website, I have noticed that many members feel the need to criticize and make negative assumptions about marriages which are different from theirs. I don't understand the reason for that because we all conduct our marriages as we see fit.
> 
> ...


This is not about the porn. This is about his wife not meeting his needs and him turning away from the real issue instead of potentially addressing it. I am not saying he is bad wrong etc but obvi the guy is upset about his sex life with his wife. This is not about the porn and good vs bad. You could replace the "porn use" with any number of activities in this marriage....at the end of the day the real issue would be the dissatisfaction with his sex life. 

About the Wasted orgasm...if I want to have sex 3 times in one day. I would be upset if my H got off to porn earlier that day. That's what I meant. There's only so much ya know?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Thank you! I laughed at that "waste an orgasm" business. :rofl:
> 
> I can't even with some of the assumptions made on TAM about the way the human body works. Maybe one "wastes an orgasm" if it takes them days to recover from one. But all of us aren't built like that. I've cum two and three times during the day, and STILL had plenty left over for my wife if we had sex later on.
> 
> Also my wife does not own my orgasms anymore than I own hers. I didn't just develop the ability to pop one off because I got married. This line of thinking suggests that every orgasm I "spent" during a healthy self-sexual experience was somehow a "waste", or lesser than. Give me a damn break!


About your orgasms....really?! If you had sex everyday would it still work like that for you? My husband is gone a month home gone a month so for me it really would feel like a waste of an orgasm since we go so long without each other. And we have sex everyday and sometimes I want it several times a day. I love getting my husband off...really love it. So I want to be the one to do it while he is home.


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## Rihanna (Jun 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Porn is wicked, evil, bad, and awful, blah, blah, blah, blah blah...
> 
> Same tune, different day here at TAM.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what you should do. My husband's sexual desire makes him sexier to me. I love to watch him & then join in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> About your orgasms....really?! If you had sex everyday would it still work like that for you? My husband is gone a month home gone a month so for me it really would feel like a waste of an orgasm since we go so long without each other.


The most sex I've ever had in a single 24 hour period was nine times, nine orgasms (more for my wife). And I still had some left over for the days to follow.

So yes, that's just how I'm built. I can cum every day, several times a day, if I want. Thankfully, navigating years of celibacy, I also have strong control over my body's sexual urges, so I've learned to ignore my body's constant screams for sexual release. But if I gave into my body everytime my johnson popped up, asking for a helping hand, I'd be having sex daily AND masturbating a couple times a day.

That's one of the reasons actually that I limit porn and masturbation. Because the more sexual activity I have, the more sexual activity I crave.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> The most sex I've ever had in a single 24 hour period was nine times, nine orgasms (more for my wife). And I still had some left over for the days to follow.
> 
> So yes, that's just how I'm built. I can cum every day, several times a day, if I want. Thankfully, navigating years of celibacy, I also have strong control over my body's sexual urges, so I've learned to ignore my body's constant screams for sexual release. But if I gave into my body everytime my johnson popped up, asking for a helping hand, I'd be having sex daily AND masturbating a couple times a day.
> 
> That's one of the reasons actually that I limit porn and masturbation. Because the more sexual activity I have, the more sexual activity I crave.


That's amazing. Did it start off like that for you...have you always been able to do that?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> That's amazing. Did it start off like that for you...have you always been able to do that?


That's a good question. 

No. I'm in my early 30's now, and I am more virile than I was in my teens and early 20's. I use to think something was wrong with me. I can't tell you how many times I looked up terms like "second puberty", or "adult puberty" on the internet. I am able to get erections even from strong, non-sexual swells of emotion. A kiss gets me hard. Feeling a strong wave of love can do the same. It was not always this way, but is now. Afterawhile my wife, and best friend, the only people I talked to about it, just told me that it's a blessing and to be OK with it. So eventually I got over thinking something was "wrong" with how sexually wired my body is, and moved on. I am glad I have developed incredible mental control, because if I had the same drive, but no control, I could be in serious trouble.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Heh. You sound like my husband. Good stuff.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was also thinking that maybe you should ask her to watch it with you. IS that a possibility?

If my husband would have asked me the same thing years ago I would have. I wouldn't now because it caused way to many problems in out marriage to even be considered.


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