# Couples therapy after a year separation



## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

It has been a while since I have posted on here. A lot has changed. We original separated due to a lack of communication and me focusing on my work and advancement at work. Over the past year and a half of separation, there have been many ups and downs on both sides.

She moved out a year and a half ago due to feeling neglected the year or two prior to her leaving. I am not a good communicator and have worked very diligently over the past year and a half to change that. I am a different person than I was without question.

I put my efforts aside to advance at work shortly after we separated and began to focus on us. I have been unable to break the wall that has been put up. I do feel better about myself than I did.

Over the course of our separation with all the ups and downs, it got to a point when she clearly said she was done. I filed for divorce, not that this was my wish. Other than filing nothing else has progressed. I have taken no further action and either has she.

We started counseling this week. I setup the appointment and she agreed to attend. She has no hope in things getting better. At this point, I don't know that I do either. I still have a small amount of hope. I care about her and our relationship which doesn't really exist anymore.

Right now I am just trying to figure out how to get the most out of counseling. I realize the outlook is not good. I am prepared for however things may go. 

During our session, she said that she doesn't believe me when I say I understand how she is hurt and why she feels the way she does. At this point, I am not a ball of emotions, so I don't show it. I really do feel the pain she feels and try to empathize with her. I want to communicate with her better, so she might trust and see my understanding for her. She says that what I say are just words.

This I suppose is a last ditch effort to maybe see some light at the end of the tunnel.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Perhaps getting the divorce first should happen. It lowers expectation of working things out, and you can date each other again, and see if your even compatible. You said that you have changed, and maybe she has as well. If dating goes well, perhaps counseling will help get pass past resentment. 

Also divorce will allow you to focus on other things as well. Like getting your life in order, take new classes and gain new skills. I have fun taking new classes to learn new things like cooking. You slowly learn new things, constant self improvement, and slowly incorporate her back into your life if she wants that. 

Divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I would say we are both different. I have way more confidence and have lost 50 pounds working out and eating right. She has said that she can survive on her own. I guess she didn't think she could before. I do think independence is important, but people have to put some effort into the marriage to save it.

I have to disagree that divorce is a good thing. There isn't any going back once its done. It is a time for closure where both people truly move on. I don't want that, but its reality. 

I do want to make this one last effort though. Its probably selfish in a way. I guess I need it to know I did everything I could. Trying again is so painful.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your wife knew you were flat affect (no external emotions) when she married you. 

It doesn't negate your responsibility to learn to open up, but I really do not understand these people who marry individuals who are unable to give them what they need. In your wife's case, emotional feeding.


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## confusedandwonderingman (Jul 7, 2013)

I need to clarify. I have not always been emotionally unavailable. I do show emotions externally. I am just at a point now that I don't.

The opening up thing is not the case. I have opened up to her. Once we separated, I did not want to be a doormat, so I was more reserved from showing her emotions. I have cried in front of her about how hurt I have been by the state of our relationship. I didn't beg. Just show her emotion that displayed my true feelings and the hurt I felt.

I think she has deeper issues that cause her distrust. This leads to her not taking what I say at and express as what it truly is.

She is having family issues and having to deal with our relationship. I can see that it is too much. My pain comes from not being able to be there for her during this time. I truly want to be there and support her.


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