# Too afraid to break up with my live-in girlfriend; I have nowhere else to go



## Coward

Hi guys,

I'm feeling miserable, trapped and pretty down right now.

I have found myself in a position where I am sharing a flat with a girl I do not love with a lease that we'll be 'wanting' to extend soon. However neither of us are from the town we work in and have nowhere else to go should we not renew the lease. I find that I am too afraid to say anything

I'm living life in a stupour, taking it day by day, because it's easy. I live with my girlfriend of just over one year. We moved in together because our time at University came to a close and we'd both secured jobs in the University's town. I'd say that we weren't ready to live together, there were some issues, but it seemed a necessity that we come to that arrangement if we were to keep our jobs. We've been living together for spot on two months now.

I'd say that our relationship mostly feels like how I imagined a cold marriage in the autumn years. Though we do take time to be affectionate toward one another, usually she will be 'busy' reading or 'being tired'. I amuse myself with my hobby (painting miniatures), video games and talking with my friends online. My hobby is what I look forward to when I am on my way home and often fills up most of my thoughts/immediate ambitions. I'd say I ignore her when I return home and she ignores me straight back. Often she'll just read (she has no other hobbies or anything to take up her time; she's a complete social recluse... she has even said that I am her only friend) and, when she gets suitably bored, she'll go to bed about two hours before I'll join her.

That's not to say that my girlfriend isn't affectionate... I think that ultimately her flaws stem from a complete and total lack of self-esteem. She is not pro-active with her life; she demonstrates the 'victim' mentality; bad problems *always* follow her around as far as she's concerned, friends always fail to stay in contact *with her*, people walk all over her, her job sucks, her degree sucked, she's getting fat (but won't do anything about it). Ultimately she refuses to take control because she seems to almost enjoy (or at least derive comfort from) a constant state of feeling sorry for herself. A more concise way of putting things is to say that she seems to aim to just be a loser in life. In the early days I used to feel a sense of belonging, like I was needed for the first time and would be there for her. Every essay at University when it came to crunch time she was leaning on my shoulder crying her eyes out and I was comforting her. But now I sit back and I realise that this is what it's going to be like for the rest of our lives; she takes emotional support from others by coaxing it out with big displays of tears, lying face down on the bed moaning and generally being the victim. So, when it suits her, she'll sometimes make cute little 'squee' noises and have me come cuddle her for a bit, that's when she'll tell me she loves me and, if she feels that I've been annoyed with her lately, she might give me a bit of praise (to allay her own guilt); 'oh, I really don't know how you put up with me.' She's usually quite self-effacing.

I lost my virginity to her at 20. She was really weird about sex; she'd been hurt a lot in the past and I'd willingly believed that her Exes were clearly all just douches (I am beginning to see that maybe they were driven to it). She's very self-conscious about her body and claims that she, like many women, just doesn't like sex. Sex is handed out, sometimes with some enthusiasm, simply to make me happy. She makes little in the way of noise and seems happiest when I just rush for an ejaculation so I can get off of her. She often has me simply touch her instead. I'll admit that sex is the best it's been since she actually lets me have it with her around twice a week and has stopped making me accept handjobs instead. But ultimately it still feels slightly awkward and lacking in intimacy.

Ultimately the crunch of the problem is leaving her. Our lease expires in over a month and I am really worried I don't have the courage to end our relationship. I don't know where I'll go. I fear for her (she's bi-polar and could break down), myself, her job, my job... and I can't help but think about the stuff I still love about her. Her smile can still make me smile when she shows it, our walks holding hands down riversides, her big blue eyes. But ultimately I think about the stress and problems we have and realise that a lot of what she gives me could easily be given by someone else.

I guess that I was stupid to get into the situation I am in in the first place. I think that this post probably reads like it was written by an insensitive and horrid male; but I think I am just a man who's realised that his relationship is critically flawed. I just have to take the decision to live consciously and decide if I am going to 'drift' through this because it's easy. I am at work right now. I could go home, kiss her on the cheek, do the washing up, stick on my dinner, eat that and then just sit in front of my computer for four hours before joining my already-sleeping girlfriend... maybe I'll put my arm around her and she'll squirm out of it because she's 'too hot'. I am not happy with life as it is.

What should I do?


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## alphaomega

What do you do?!!!

You change it! Man up, bud. This is your life. Do you think it's going to get better if you stay? Nope.

You have to be the master of your own destiny. No one else will do it or you, no matter how many hours you spend painting your miniatures. It seems you also have the dose of victim mentality.

Btw. I'm all for hobbies, no matter what they are. But don't let them consume you. You are in the best position of your life right now to explore new territory and broaden your horizons. You will never have more freedom in your life than you do right now.

Time to learn an instrument. Go skiing. Take up weightlifting. Go to Mexico on a vacation with your buds. Travel the orient. Learn how to kayak. Try sushi. Whatever you have in your bucket list.

You need to get out of your man cave. While everyone needs a personal cave for retreat, it's all about balance. Spending all your free time in there defeats the purpose and turns you into your own recluse.

The worlds too exciting to hide from it. Lots of new and exciting experiences to be had. And lots of new and exciting women to meet, particularly one that makes you happy.

Don't be afraid of feeling or expressing your feelings for fear of others, or fear of conflict. Just tell her how you feel. Keeping it inside is doing both of you a disservice.


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## favoritemistake

I am begging you to please click on my name and read my first post. Please find some courage now or you and she may find yourselves in my situation.


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## This is me

You are not married. You are free.


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## Darcy

Start making arrangements for a new place asap. Its hard because your young, and you haven't done this before. You'll get through it, and it till be easier the next time. You have to look out for you and be independently strong!


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## PBear

Find a room mate, if you can't afford it on your own. But be a man and don't leave her dangling without a place to live. Talk to her early enough that she can find a room mate as well.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coward

I am glad I wrote out this thread... I think it helped me order my thoughts and put a desire for action clearly within my mind.

We had a fight today... and I walked out of the house. When I came back I sat down and honestly said I was debating whether to continue the lease. I didn't really have a script so I just told her everything I could, I'm too raw to know if I was brutal... but I essentially just said that I could see us forty years down the line (her reaction was a 'who mentioned marriage?!'). Generally my points were dismissed as silly reasons to justify splitting up and my feelings on sex were greeted as typical male chauvanism... she certainly felt I used her.

Nevertheless she has walked out on me and left me alone here whilst she stays with some mutual friends of ours. I hope that they look after her.

I want to thank favoritemistake because I came on this thread seeking a form of validation for what I've done... right now I am looking around the room seeing things that remind me of her (a plushy I gave her for her birthday had me crying my eyes out) but reading your story was like looking into the future. I must assure myself that I've made the right decision. Time will tell I guess. I am sorry that your husband didn't tell you how he felt before he reached the altar. I can only hope that someday my now ex realises that I at least did one decent thing by not letting it get to that point.


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## sisters359

First, you must remember that you have no control over how another person reacts to life's changing circumstances. If you allow yourself to be controlled by guilt over what "might" happen in such a situation, you will be dooming yourself to unhappiness. You could choose to move on in such a way that the news of her reaction cannot reach you. Or you can choose to grow up and accept that you cannot be responsible for anyone else's happiness. 

Now, get back to the U and look for advertisements for people looking to share apartments. Geez, it is not all that hard. Your degree of indecision is way out of proportion to the situation. Get some counseling if you need it, b/c your post really suggests you have some major issues. 

Or just do it, and move on. Quit being so melodramatic.

Harsh, maybe. But you either need that or a good therapist. Only you can figure that one out.


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## WTBJ

Sounds like this girl will be an emotional roller coaster when you break up with her. Not to sound critical but are you doing anything to spice things up? When you hide in the apartment together every day and do nothing that can get boring, even with Pammy Anderson. Why don't you take her to a book signing and try to do things for a week. If things just as bad without the extra effort, let her know a little before the month mark that you want to go live with a roommate and she should go do the same thing. Maybe living separate will help you guys, maybe not. Give it a shot for a week or two, and if you are seeing the same thing, end it.

Btw, a girl that has sex with you 2 times a week, does not argue, reads, and doesn't need you to come to bed with her... does not sound like a tragic situation.

Lying, cheating, stealing, doing drugs, serious health issues, abuse, severe fighting/verbal abuse. Those are reasons to call off a relationship. 

One last note I used to tell my friends I'm bored, and you know what those bastards told me "its because you are boring!!!" Jerks! They were right, if you are bored, grab her hand and go do something once a week, and then once a week go do something for yourself by yourself too. Can't hurt right? Honeymoon phase is over and you either love her or don't. If you don't, leave. If you do and you are just bored, make it FUN! 

Take care

Jess


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## Toshiba2020

Time to leave bro, make arrangements and get out of there, im sure you can find someone or atleast a cheap hole in the wall apartment to live in for awhile. This girl sounds like shes going to be an emotional roller coaster. I dont know all of the details of your intimate relationship with her but it doesnt sounds like shes excited about that aspect nor are you, shes got crazy written across her forehead.

If you cant think of atleast a handful of truely good reason to stay with her i would move on, your still young and in the prime age to meet girls, dont throw your life away on this boring, moody and passionless girl.


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