# Why do I want to stay? Confused!!!



## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

This is very long!!! But then again, most detailed thoughts about divorce probably SHOULD be long!!!

We are in our early 40s and have been together 20+ years, married for 19 this summer. H is going through MLC and had PA (physical WITH emotions too) while we were separated (our agreement was no dating). We've been working on reconciliation for nearly 2 months, but he's not fully committed to working on it. He's here (which he tells me all the time), but still entertaining ideas of divorce. It always starts with a discussion about his feelings towards divorce and will always include some sort of statement something like this (not quoting): "I'm not saying I want a divorce, just trying to understand or work through what a divorce would mean."

It always comes back to what we have in common, or rather, what we lack in common. The connection! Maybe he's smarter than me, because he picked up on it first. Maybe he's not. Don't know. But it really has gotten me to thinking about what has been good and what hasn't been good in our 20 years together.

I'm coming to the conclusion that the good in our relationship was pre-kids. Where I had more time and freedom to participate in his interests. Those tend to run towards non-kid friendly or older kid activities. And certainly not special needs kid friendly (we have an 8 yr old boy with Asperger's).

This morning I listed out things I'm happy about and not happy about in our marriage. The things I have listed in the happy section are the lack of some behaviors that I would find intolerable (the ones i would have dumped him for while we dating).

The ones in my "not happy" section are the real kickers. These are the ones that emphasize our differing values. I value family the most. I want someone to do things with me and the kids. This man RARELY does interesting things with us. About the most is out to dinner and about 2 or 3 movies per year. He has his own interests, mostly not kid friendly but maybe teenager friendly. Our oldest is 11.

I just don't see that these things are ever going to be fixed. My optimistic mind has tried to convince me that they can, but I'm realizing that they may not be able to with THIS man - if his values are that different. We've been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to really understand ourselves, so it has been becoming apparent that we are different with different emphasis on what is important. We've been having discussions like, "I feel X about life. If you don't feel X, is that a reason to get divorced?" I've been very resistant. I'm becoming much less resistant, very quickly.

Uggghhh - what's a girl to do??? :scratchhead:


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Have you read the book by Willard Harley - His Needs Her Needs?

Your need for 'family commitment' is unfulfilled.
His need for 'companionship' is unfulfilled.

These are 2 of the most common unfulfilled male/female needs after marriage. If you and your husband would agree to read/discuss this book together with open minds & hearts, I think it would help tremendously.

Good luck.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Just can't stand the thought of reading another book. I normally love reading these types of books, but I'm the only one reading them. He read part of _I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship_, by Andrew G. Marshall. But I don't think he ever finished it.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Cat3CatGirl said:


> Just can't stand the thought of reading another book. I normally love reading these types of books, but I'm the only one reading them. He read part of _I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship_, by Andrew G. Marshall. But I don't think he ever finished it.


Is it a contest? Are you keeping count?

If so, are you reading them with an open heart & mind?


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I'm sorry, I realized that may have sound harsh or as finger pointing... Not my intent at all

I'm only saying you have control over your own actions ONLY. Why would you read a self-help book? Would you have some expectation of HIM as a result? Or would you be reading the book to find some deeper understanding within yourself?

Your motivation is a key factor in resentment building.

Are you convinced you want to do all you can to save your marriage? If so, then do it. But you have no control over what he will do. Just improve yourself & be the best person (including wife) you can be. If it's not what he wants, you will be ready for someone who can/will appreciate you.

Best wishes.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

Thanks for the clarification. I read them for myself, ultimately. But I'm burnt out on them for the moment. Maybe I'll keep that one in mind for a future read.


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