# Confused



## Cloudy33 (Jun 17, 2012)

Hi there.

I need some advice and insight, and fast. I appreciate you taking the time to read about my situation....

I met my wife 14 years ago, married 2004. Two kids. Am in early 40s.

Unfortunately I married for the wrong reason. I never found her particulary sexually attractive, and we never had a lust phase. In fact I distincly remember being very clear I could not be with this girl much longer after the second date. She lacked warmth, affection, and seemed distant during sex. I also found her a boring and had some hang-ups with what I regarded as normal sex.

But I respected her and regarded her as smarter and of a better personality than myself. It is that, and the fact such a better person would want to be with me, I fell in love with - not her the person; alas.

I clearly remember signing the marriage register thinking this is a terrible mistake.

I look at other couples and their happiness; their obvious warmth and intimacy with deep envy. I have never experienced it - only once as a very young adult a long long time ago. 

Yet, she looks after me and our kids. She is a great mother (although I feel she lacks a degree openness/fund/warmth). Intelligent, organised, make me meals, does my washing. 

The perfect wife. Except in the way I want...which I know is ultimately immature and selfish.

The problem is; I went from another long term relationship into this one. I don't do alone very well. I need(ed) someone there for me (no background family support).

Sex has got bit better of the years. I always initiate it; but it's always out of physical need and not emotional/love. My wife always closes her eyes during sex, and it just feels like she is doing it out of duty.

The bottom line is we just dont have chemistry and never did. I blame myself...its all my fault for being so weak and pathetic in the early years. 

The resentment is no wcoming into play Quite often I can't stand to be in the same room as her. Despite us both being university educated and good commuicators we never discuss our relationship.

I have wanted to on many occasions, but I fear I will end up sayng something which will upset her; so I just chicken out like the pathetic coward I am.

She made a comment a few weeks ago, along the lines of "I think you have slight Asperger's Syndrome...dear". Well, I went to a pyschotherapist who disagreed with my wife's amateur diagnosis; but to be honest I am inclined to agree with my wife...

I am the one at fault - she is a lovely woman and I don't deserve her. The horrific truth is I am just like my father and am not mature enough for a long term intimate relationship...I am always looking at other women and have had encounters. They always leave me in a worse place as I often observe I enjoy the presence of other women more than I ever did with my wife; and I have become addicted to that "rush".

Should I tell her all this? or just plod on and be grateful for having such a lovely woman at my side. She listens to my work problems and gives helpful advice, makes my meals, looks after me when I'm sick..


The shallow and shameful truth is, I can't love a woman I dont feel sexually connected with. I wish I could. The resentment is leading to my behavuour becoming rude/offensive/inconsiderate towards. I am actually becoming suicidal in my guilt and self-loathing for being who I am and my inability to sort this out.

I just want a wife and lover; not a sister/mother figure. What I seem to have here is 5% of the former and 95% of the latter; and I also feel very very lonely.

I recently met a younger girl in a bar I found very attractive and we have met since; we connected really well in a way I never did with my wife; but alas the girl won't entertain being a 3rd party in a marriage - quite understandably.

What a mess eh? I came from a broken home and it has consequences for me in adult life (see above!)...if I repeated history I would consider myself a total failure in life. In addition, one of our kids has a slight disability which cuts me up every day to see; but ultimately I just couldnt walk away from them.

Thanks for reading...your thoughts would be appreciated. 

D


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

If you and she went to maariage counseling, I bet you would fall in love with her pretty much like you want, or at least in a different way. Counseling is a place where people are encouraged to open up, much like you've done here. You will likely find you are not the cherry-on-top for her either. No hard feelings intended. It just sounds like you both settled for each other. You had your reasons and she had hers. I think learning how she truly feels will change your feelings a little. If nothing else, you will learn to appreciate each other and might even find you have more in common than you think. Not discussing your relationship means you're not improving it in any way. Counseling will help you both start discussing things in productive ways.

Because you have children, I don't believe you get a do over. I don't happen to feel children should be made the glue that holds marriages together. There are often situations where divorce really should take place. Your situation though is one that never should have happened. You had your own personal and selfish reasons for entering into marriage and then thoughtlessly brought children into it, so I think you should stay for their sakes and find every way you can to make it work and make it better. Counseling is a good start, and then sex therapy will help in other ways because believe me, you are not rocking her world either. You are both feeling yourselves in the trap of this marriage. The only difference is you are here writing about it and not her. Perhaps she has other outlets to express her unhappiness, like friends, a different website, her pillow, whatever.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I am sorry you are unhappy. It sounds as though you have cheated many times. If this is the case, of course tell her. Give yourself a chance to be happy, give her a chance to be happy.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

Firstly, stop seeing other women. Whether you're happy in your marriage or not, you made a commitment; stick to it or break it off, don't linger in between and hope you don't get caught or that things will get better that way.

Talk to your wife. Try and spice up your sex life. Maybe set yourself a small time frame to really try and make a difference - see what progress the two of you can make in a month.

Bottom line is that nothing will change unless you communicate. If you both struggle alone with that, try counselling. Without talking about this though, you won't be able to make improvements!

Moreover... at least if it turns out you can't remain in your marriage (which I sincerely hope is not the case) - then it won't come as a shock / punch in the face for your wife who doesn't seem to have any idea you feel this way.

You do deserve to be happy and have a loving relationship... but so does your wife. 

Despite providing me with all the 'things' I needed when I was little, my mother was a very cold, unaffectionate woman (I was actually an 'accident' haha) which I later found out after I'd packed up from home was because of things from her childhood. Perhaps try to get your wife to open up more about her feelings? It's possible there are reasons for her 'lack of warmth' even to your kids, and getting to the bottom of it will benefit you both.

Good luck, I wish you the best. But seriously, cut these other women out of your life. Whether it's physical, emotional or both, it's standing in your way of fixing your relationship with your W.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

River1977 said:


> If you and she went to maariage counseling, I bet you would fall in love with her pretty much like you want, or at least in a different way. Counseling is a place where people are encouraged to open up, much like you've done here. You will likely find you are not the cherry-on-top for her either. No hard feelings intended. It just sounds like you both settled for each other. You had your reasons and she had hers. I think learning how she truly feels will change your feelings a little. If nothing else, you will learn to appreciate each other and might even find you have more in common than you think. Not discussing your relationship means you're not improving it in any way. Counseling will help you both start discussing things in productive ways.


I so agree with this... THIS needs to be given a SHOT...if you want to salvage this marriage that is. LIving a double life is no answer, your wife deserves enough RESPECT from you to come clean about your encounters....and the why you were led there...admit to the selfishness, the lonliness you are feeling in the marriage...you don't want to be this way.... you will feel better coming clean -whether it ends in a divorce or a new beginning... you can't stay where you are... it will never satisfy your soul. 



> *Cloudy33 said *: Despite us both being university educated and good commuicators we never discuss our relationship.


 THe 2 of you have never learned or dared to be emotionally vulnerable with each other- the way you expressed in this thread. A good start. This is HUGE. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

And there is likely RESENTMENT built up on both sides - that needs to be unearthed and dealt with -to lead to this vulnerability ... Heavy stuff I know, but these things need waded through...if you want to ever grow together and find happiness together as a couple who can endure . 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

Once those things are cleared up, the sex might return with some emotion in it. 

You likely don't even know what she wants, desires, what turns her on... 

I speak from experience that NOT talking about SEX is one of the dumbest things you can do in a marraige. Me & my husband stand guilty. :banghead:

I learned a few yrs ago -he was silently resenting me when he felt I was not "into him' and wanting him as much as he craved ... but he was so darn passive about it - I didn't know how he felt ! We just didn't talk about it - we talked about everything else though -which is very strange I suppose. 

Your wife likely FEELS she is 2nd best , she resents this -which kills her libido towards you .... Emotionally speaking, sex will shut down when these other things are not aligned in a marraige. You mentioned she had inhibitions... so did I .... it is possible for women to overcome these if the man gets more sexually creative and she is willing to fight this....but still you have other issues to deal with, beyond just sexual.


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