# Misconceptions and wonderments



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Any other dads out there feel like they are just being humored by their kids and exwives? As if the ex's and the kids have a real bond, and Daddy is just kind of a nuisance that has to be visited every once in awhile?
As if the ex has somehow dismissed your value to the kid, and between them they are like pinky-friends, and Dad is the guy you have to go visit so he doesnt feel sad all the time...
Sometimes I worry about what my ex has said about me to our daughter, and what kind of sadcase shes making me out to be.

A friend and his wife and two daughters have told me that I could bring my D10 over to their house during the days becuase the older daughter is a good sitter, and my D and their younger D have known each other for years, and get along great. So far its worked out really good, and my D is happy about it and looks forward to going over there. I trust these people, and have known them for many many years. 

This particular week there is going to be a day where they arent going to be home, so my D has to go over to her moms. I pack her a lunch still, even though shes going to her MOMS, simply because I dont want to be asked for more money anymore like when I was bringing her over there every day since the ex pulled her out of daycare and decided to stop paying for it. 
So, the friends and I talk about this particular day, and everything is fine, and yet as soon as the D and I get home from their house, my D runs upstairs with her cellphone, hides in the bathroom and calls her mom (the ex).

For a moment there, I relived the countless times my ex would take her phone to the bathroom to talk to her OM. I felt bad for asking my D who she was calling, and why she had to go to the bathroom to make the call. 
It kind of made me feel like my D and the ex have some special closeness that I dont have with my D. As if I am just being humored, and put up with, as if the ex has been turning my D against me, or lowering the value of the relationship between my D and myself. 
Why would my kid have to hide in the bathroom to call her mom? Simply to tell her that she will be going over there one day this week? Why the sneaking around?

I dont know whats going on, but I think my ex is influencing my daughter negatively towards me. Why the hiding in the bathroom to call?
Ive never made an issue about her calling her mom, and even told her to as much as possible during the weeks shes with me.


I dont know. Last night that triggered me. To see my daughter 10 yrs old doing the same thing her mother did with the sneaky sh!t. 
I told my daughter that she did not have to hide to call her mom. If she wanted privacy that it was certainly no problem with me, but that it was my job to tell her mother where she was going to be if it were to change any day of the week. 
My ex buys everything my D has ever wanted. Spoils the living sh!t out of her, because my ex has no method of expressing love, I know, I lived with her for eighteen years.
The ex takes her twelve personal credit cards and racks them up beyond their limits every year, then takes what bonuses she gets and any income tax returns and pays them down a little, then proceeds to do the same thing again the next year.
She earns about 50% more than I do, but never has any money to address emergencies or repairs. All that goes on a new credit card. But I wonder sometimes if spoiling our daughter is how my ex is winning a higher favor with the kid. 

It all made me feel like I was just being humored, and they actually had a more involving relationship. Since I can barely afford to put food on the table, and handle emergencies of my own (200.00 for car parts last weekend which was part of my mortgage money), life at Daddys house isnt filled with everything the kid could possibly want. 

I almost wanted to tell my daughter that if she didnt want to really be here with me, that it would be okay, and that she didnt have to be here. I was really sad. I felt like I was outside the loop even further, even with my own kid.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Shoo,

My kids are older 13 & 16 so not totally the same situation but close.

Since I only see them every other weekend and one day a week I feel just like you do in that I'm a distraction to the regular routine. Lately I think they have been enjoying their time over at my place and away from "crazy". I think that this summer I have actually been able to bond closer with them which is nice.

I think the phone in the bathroom is just becasue that is waht she has seen from your ex and thinks that is the appropriate thing to do. Talking with her about it and showing that you truely don't mind should cure that problem.

My kids talk to my ex all the time when they are with me. Usually to coordinate schedules or activites coming up. I also talk with them while they are with their mom.

Good luck sounds liek you have already started addressing the issue.

Shoeguy


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I almost wanted to tell my daughter that if she didnt want to really be here with me, that it would be okay, and that she didnt have to be here. I was really sad. I felt like I was outside the loop even further, even with my own kid.


Oh, please don't tell her that! That might make her think you don't want her there! Kids are sensitive, and not as mature as they pretend to be.

Besides, if her mom is as irresponsible and spoils her so much, she needs your influence in her life to help ground her and show her another way. Girls need their daddies, whether they act like it or not. Show her what a good man and good father is. Otherwise, how will she know?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sadly, what you describe must be quite common; my husband has gone from the nuisance dad with the obligatory weekend visits, to a virtual human bank account. The kids only contact when want something. They're teens now, and have been completely brainwashed by their mother into thinking that the only use their father has, is as a money dispenser. Quite pathetic really.

Sorry you're going through that with your child(ren).


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Shoo, once again, parallel lives. I know how the ex manipulates the kids because I watched her do the same with her first ex while I was married to her and she was talking to her first kids. Sometimes I feel like it is a no win situation. Sometimes I feel like "maybe my girl would be better off just not seeing me as much." then I start thinking, that b!tch took everything I have away from me. I had a good life going and she decided to blow that up. My daughter is the last thing I have. No way I'm going to allow her to take that away from me without a fight.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

my ex had this same issue with his child.just stick with it though.you will regret it if you stop trying with her.

remember you're the person who will teach her what kind of man she should be with when she's older.without you there to give her that example and guidance,she'll be a little girl lost.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Shoo:
Do not allow your ex to control your relationship with your daughter. I know that it hurts like hell to see her trying to poison your daughter's feelings for you, and trying to buy her love with things that your ex cannot afford.

No one will ever take your place as her father. You need to stay strong, and continue to be a positive influence in your daughter's life. Young girls can be moody, and sometimes think that it is fun to exclude others from social interactions. That is what she is doing when she takes the phone into the bathroom. Do not over-react to this behavior.

It doesn't seem possible now, but one day your daughter will look back on her childhood and appreciate the love and support that you gave her.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks y'all for the responses. Im not giving up, no matter how perfect her moms life appears to be, or may actually be, I just want to finally get to the point that it doesnt feel like Ive been taken for everything and dismissed, and then this person whose done this is rewarded by the universe.. (cough cough).

Coming up on ONE whole year of being divorced at the end of this month. One would think Id have flourished by leaps and bounds by now, but thats not what happens, especially when youve fought for so long against a frivolous spender. "Someone" has to pay those debts off, and I agreed to, as a boost to getting the ex to agree to my custody agreement. I knew what floats her boat, and time with the kid is worth more than all the debt times a million.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

first year is the hardest in my opinion.for kids,for adults,for all involved.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

But I sure am ready for some good things to come my way. Damn sure ready for it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Shoo my ex does the same thing. My child is now 3 1/2 and not fully verbal to tell me these things. My ex makes 160k and I make 45K per year. I have mananged so far to maintain zero credit card debit but on the contrary he is starting to rack up the credit cards again and only pays the minimum payment.

Our child is also autistic. You can imagine the cost of all treatments, supplements(even though I am in Canada). He sees the child via skype 3x a week for about half an hour. Even for that half an hour he is sometimes late so it's more like 20 min. He sees him for about a day and a half (Friday pm til about noon on Sun) about twice a month at my ex MIL place(my ex decided to stay in the US after the divorce since OW was there). My ex MIL cooks meals for our child who has allergies too. So he has nothing to worry. 

He buys insane amounts of toys, clothes from more expensive stores(like a 3 year old can tell if something is from Walmart or GAP). On the other hand I spend money on organic food, supplements, doctors and I have no social life whatsoever.

He continues to play family with the other woman and her two kids. He even bought a dog with her and spends money on grooming. In the meantime I have not received one single link from him on how we can help our child or suggest another treatment. Everything has to come from me.

I just hope my son appreciates all this one day. I know there will be a day when he will be the cool parent while I am trying to save money here so I can put a roof over our heads. That's the injustice in this divorce crap: They cheat, they abandon and they still somehow live happy, worrieless life. 

But I hope both you and I prevail. At least you can communicate with your daughter. Have you checked out if your town has any meetup groups for Single Parents? Many times their activities are free.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I think you are doing all the right things, and your daughter will appreciate it in the long run. Things don't take the place of love.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

One thing you have going for you is her age. She may be young, but she is now entering a time in her life where she is able to think for herself and is able to see things for how they really are no matter what someone may try to tell them. Be the BEST DAMN Father you can be with her. Show her love and affection and whatever mom tells her will only contradict what you do. Your daughter will know the TRUTH. And it may be a corny saying, but Actions DO speak LOUDER than words.


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## Intruder (Sep 23, 2010)

Boy is this familiar.....

I have spent so many nights wondering what is being said, what my little boys were told, what they think.

They were 2 and 4 when she left me for "The love of her life", she just kept going on with her life, just replaced me with another guy.....vacations to places we went, just with POSOM.

I don't have the money anymore to take all the vacations like they do, her and her "soul mate" are teachers with summers off.....I'm a working stiff (with on-call).

I'm the best Dad I can possibly be, upbeat, planning things, always smiling and having fun when they are with me.....

....but I have never experienced as much pain as I do when I have to drop them back off at Moms..I don't think that will ever get better.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Intruder, I sure feel that, I hope for the times to get easier. 

Its been difficult for me lately also becuase of the job situation, feeling powerless to effect the marital debt I took with me. Thinking that I may have to drag up and leave a job of 16 years is frightening, but I have to do something. This outside stress sometimes doesnt make for a fun Dad, and I have to catch myself and grab the crayons.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Intruder, I sure feel that, I hope for the times to get easier.
> 
> Its been difficult for me lately also becuase of the job situation, feeling powerless to effect the marital debt I took with me. Thinking that I may have to drag up and leave a job of 16 years is frightening, but I have to do something. This outside stress sometimes doesnt make for a fun Dad, and I have to catch myself and grab the crayons.


What do you do for living if i may ask? Do you have some part time hobby that can bring you money?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> What do you do for living if i may ask? Do you have some part time hobby that can bring you money?


Sorry it took so long to reply. I dont have internet at home, except cellphone, and its on a limited dataplan.. VERY limited..
I work in the design and engineering field, I also handle IT work, and manage the intellectual property for several companies. 
Maybe I could get a little computer repair thing going. Or offer to manage the maintenance and upkeep of patents and trademarks for businesses. hmm... 

Im sure there are things to do. I gotta get my head out of my a$$ and knuckle down.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

You should really advertise your services on linkedin. Maybe by registering something on the side you can claim some of your home bills on your taxes. I also have a real estate license but with an autistic kid at home it ia hard to start all over again


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