# marriage failed



## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

i've been married a year known him 2 years and i've reached to the point that i would like a divorce after only a year is this normal for a woman whose tired of arguing and doesn't bother with him anymore. Too all the ladies out there is there any advice you can give on how a woman can try to make a marriage work when there is hardly any love there.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

i don't think you can make it work if there's no love and if the other person is not interested in making an effort to save the marriage...


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

s.k said:


> i've been married a year known him 2 years and i've reached to the point that i would like a divorce after only a year is this normal for a woman whose tired of arguing and doesn't bother with him anymore. Too all the ladies out there is there any advice you can give on how a woman can try to make a marriage work when there is hardly any love there.


What is more important to you? Being married, or being loved? :nono:
Don't waste your time if there is no love. At least do not decide to get pregnant right now. Things will get worse.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i wanted a divorce after being married a year. there was no love there. 

but after three years, things have changed. sometimes its not that love isnt there, its that there are two highly emotionally dysfunctional people trying to understand how to get what they want. its complicated. you dont always get what you want right off the bat. its a work in progress.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What are you constantly arguing about? Do you feel EVERYTHING is his fault, or can you reasonably see/admit that there is fault on both sides? 

Does he feel EVERYTHING is your fault, or can he see that he is also to blame for some of the problems/ arguing? 

If you both are willing to commit to better understanding the others needs & desires , commit to communication that is not Biting to the other but simply expressing how what he does - makes you FEEL or the hurt it causes - instead of angry accusing Blame, and vice versa, If you find you have enough of the same goals in life, You can probably save this marraige but if one is totally selfish and refuses to see they have contributed to anything that has led to this place, it may be like chasing after the wind. 

What do you really want ? What does he really want?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> i don't think you can make it work if there's no love and if the other person is not interested in making an effort to save the marriage...


The thing is that he says he love me and wants the marriage to work but i just dont see it from him i mean its one thing saying it but another showing it. Some help around the house or with our child is not to much to ask for is it? Marriage is confusing!!!!


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Deb* said:


> What is more important to you? Being married, or being loved? :nono:
> Don't waste your time if there is no love. At least do not decide to get pregnant right now. Things will get worse.


I dont want anymore kids with him trust me i was stupid to think that when we had a child things would change i got pregnant brfore i got married and due to this i had to get married its an asian thing. but i regret it. Personally being loved is more important i dont see how anyone would want to be married if either person does not feel loved.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Blanca said:


> i wanted a divorce after being married a year. there was no love there.
> 
> but after three years, things have changed. sometimes its not that love isnt there, its that there are two highly emotionally dysfunctional people trying to understand how to get what they want. its complicated. you dont always get what you want right off the bat. its a work in progress.


I could understand if people get married because they have to the way i did then yh it is hard to hit things off str8 away but if you think your in love and you understand things about each other then i dont understand how problems get there. if it was just arguments then i could understand that maybe people do get thriugh it but its also ended up with physical violence where i hav had to call police can anyone get along with their partners if there is fear there.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

s.k said:


> but its also ended up with physical violence where i hav had to call police can anyone get along with their partners if there is fear there.


OMG and after all that you're still complaining that he doesn't help with the house?? What's more important to you, being beaten up and living in fear or a violent husband not doing the dishes? Especially if it got as far as calling the cops!


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> OMG and after all that you're still complaining that he doesn't help with the house?? What's more important to you, being beaten up and living in fear or a violent husband not doing the dishes? Especially if it got as far as calling the cops!


i know its not an excuse but people get beaten by their partners every1 i count myself a lil lucky that it aint everyday i know its stupid but thats y its got to the point where i am thinkin about divorce becus though its taken some time i have realised its not fair on me or to my son.


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## Nicola B (Feb 3, 2010)

Children bring another element to a relationship and it can take a while to find the new structure to the relationship. Love is another thing that can get lost when children come into a marriage. Have a big rest and really think about what would make your life easier, it may not be what you think.

Nicola - Divorce Coach


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Nicola B said:


> Have a big rest and really think about what would make your life easier, it may not be what you think.
> 
> Nicola - Divorce Coach


I personally think him not being in my life would make things so much easier we done the time apart thing but this time its hit rock bottom


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Run, don't walk to divorce court. 

Arguing all the time and begging for help around the house and with your son is no way to live. More importantly, it's unacceptable for him to EVER hit you, push you, or abuse you in any other way. You should not have to live in fear, and neither should your son. If you aren't strong enough to leave for yourself, please do it for your son. Do not make him grow up in fear, with his parents arguing and worrying that this time his dad will kill his mom. 

On a personal note, my parents got divorced because my dad punched my mom. One time. And I'm glad they did because they would have fought all the time.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Bluemoon7 said:


> Run, don't walk to divorce court.
> 
> 
> 
> On a personal note, my parents got divorced because my dad punched my mom. One time. And I'm glad they did because they would have fought all the time.


Depends. 
I remember when I was a little girl my father hit my mother once, but he never hit her again. He knew that what he did was a big mistake. My father is very quite person, and I still can't believe that he hit her. He was never violent with us verbally and physically. My mom forgave him, and she always said to us that you have to be proud of him. He is a good father, and a good husband too.
We all make mistake in life, and everybody deserves a new chance.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Deb* said:


> Depends.
> I remember when I was a little girl my father hit my mother once, but he never hit her again. He knew that what he did was a big mistake. My father is very quite person, and I still can't believe that he hit her. He was never violent with us verbally and physically. My mom forgave him, and she always said to us that you have to be proud of him. He is a good father, and a good husband too.
> We all make mistake in life, and everybody deserves a new chance.


hitting once ok MAYBE it could be forgiven but beating up occasionally is something i could never forgive.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Bluemoon7 said:


> Run, don't walk to divorce court.
> 
> Arguing all the time and begging for help around the house and with your son is no way to live. More importantly, it's unacceptable for him to EVER hit you, push you, or abuse you in any other way. You should not have to live in fear, and neither should your son. If you aren't strong enough to leave for yourself, please do it for your son. Do not make him grow up in fear, with his parents arguing and worrying that this time his dad will kill his mom.
> 
> On a personal note, my parents got divorced because my dad punched my mom. One time. And I'm glad they did because they would have fought all the time.


I agree with what u have said i suppose im just affraid that my son will hate me when he grows up. At the moment he is young and doesnt know much but i see his face light up in the mornings when he sees both myself and my h i dont want to take that smile away from him but a the same time i cant live my life like this forever im 21 still young. Do u ever see ur dad or has ur mum explained everything to you and ur happy not to have contact with him? I know this is bad to say but if my son wasnt involved it would have made it easier to leave but his here and i want to protect him.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Deb* said:


> Depends.
> I remember when I was a little girl my father hit my mother once, but he never hit her again. He knew that what he did was a big mistake. My father is very quite person, and I still can't believe that he hit her. He was never violent with us verbally and physically. My mom forgave him, and she always said to us that you have to be proud of him. He is a good father, and a good husband too.
> We all make mistake in life, and everybody deserves a new chance.


A mistake is something u learn from but when something happens over and over again its called a habbit. Its good that ur mum gave ur dad a second chance and they are still together at this point but ive only been married a year and its happened on more than one occasion, for me its come to ending point.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Deb, while it's wonderful that your dad learned from his behavior and your parents were able to make it work, this result to domestic violence is an exception, not the rule. More often than not, violence escalates as the abusive spouse believes the abused spouse will put up with it. 

S.K., I completely understand how having a child makes this even more difficult. However, while your son is smiling now, he won't be if his parents continue to fight. It's not protecting him to live in a violent environment. 

My dad remarried and as far as I know, he never hit my step-mother. It's possible he learned, but regardless my mom was done. (BTW, there were other issues too, my dad got fired from his job for stealing then retuning dynamite, he was out drinking a lot and leaving her home to raise two babies, etc. Punching her in the face so hard that she had two black eyes was the last straw.) My dad had visitation every other weekend, and my brother and I spent a lot of summers and holiday's with him and his side of the family. I never hated my mom for leaving my dad. I admire her for it. It showed me that she was a strong woman and that I should never accept abuse myself. They were divorced before I really remember them being together, which I actually think helped my brother and I because we never knew what it was like for them to be together. 

Stay strong and best of luck to you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he has hit you more than once you MUST leave him, for your son's sake. If you stay, your SON will likely grow up to be just like his dad.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> If he has hit you more than once you MUST leave him, for your son's sake. If you stay, your SON will likely grow up to be just like his dad.





Bluemoon7 said:


> Deb, while it's wonderful that your dad learned from his behavior and your parents were able to make it work, this result to domestic violence is an exception, not the rule. More often than not, violence escalates as the abusive spouse believes the abused spouse will put up with it.
> 
> S.K., I completely understand how having a child makes this even more difficult. However, while your son is smiling now, he won't be if his parents continue to fight. It's not protecting him to live in a violent environment.
> 
> ...


If he has hit you more than once you MUST leave him, for your son's sake. If you stay, your SON will likely grow up to be just like his dad.

Thank u for the replys back i know that i have to but i just dont know the best way to go about it has anyone been through a divorce or going through one? can u tell me the first step to take? any information will be helpful thank u


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Bluemoon7 said:


> (BTW, there were other issues too, my dad got fired from his job for stealing then retuning dynamite, he was out drinking a lot and leaving her home to raise two babies, etc.
> 
> Stay strong and best of luck to you!


That's why my mom forgave my father because he didin't drink alcohol. Didn't have gambling problems. Didn't stay out of the house for more than 2-3 hours. He couldn't understand how a married man/woman could cheat. Was very good with us. Our father used to tell us a lot of stories. Played with us a lot. Was a hard worker.
I'm not for the violence either. If it happens more than once you better leave before is too late. My cousin left her husband within two -three months into marriage. He was very violent with her because of jealousy. Now she is remarried has kids, and 
a good husband.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Deb* said:


> That's why my mom forgave my father because he didin't drink alcohol. Didn't have gambling problems. Didn't stay out of the house for more than 2-3 hours. He couldn't understand how a married man/woman could cheat. Was very good with us. Our father used to tell us a lot of stories. Played with us a lot. Was a hard worker.
> I'm not for the violence either. If it happens more than once you better leave before is too late. My cousin left her husband within two -three months into marriage. He was very violent with her because of jealousy. Now she is remarried has kids, and
> a good husband.


Thanks for the reply, my h does not work and hasnt since the 2years that i have known him, hes the same as your dad when it comes to doesnt gamble and doesnt go out with friends instead he invites his friends to come over to the house if they are to drink or just hang out. The violence is the main problem for me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

[email protected]!

Kick the slob out!

Good grief! 

Come on, be smart about this. WHAT VALUE is he to your family? He is teaching your son to be a mooch and an abuser and a user.

Do you want your son to learn THAT?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

s.k said:


> Thanks for the reply, my h does not work and hasnt since the 2years that i have known him, hes the same as your dad when it comes to doesnt gamble and doesnt go out with friends instead he invites his friends to come over to the house if they are to drink or just hang out. The violence is the main problem for me.


You support him and he dares to be violent with you? 
Why you need him anyway? Just to have a male figure in the house? He is using you. I feel sorry for you. You deserve better than him.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I really dont mind the fact that his friends come round id rather have him in doors than out and he would prefer the same with me he doesnt argue in front of his friends with me there was one time he did and he knew he was wrong (he wasnt drinking though it makes no difference) its just when they have come round recently they have been drinking and i have ha d to cal the police because it has gotten out of hand.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Time to get some dignity.


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