# Husband moved out, won't try to repair family. Help, please.



## sosadinCT (Feb 8, 2011)

Hi, 

I have been following this forum for a while and hope you all may be able to give me some insights. You seem like a knowledgable and supportive group. Anway here is my awful situation:

I have been separated for 3 months now. My husband moved out to his own apartment. There is nobody else for certain. I had a very difficult personality and got counseling and antidepressants right after initial separation. I continue with both. We have 2 kids, 11 and 8, and a beautiful home. He is a great dad and knows he is losing so much in terms of home. But, he says he doesn't have the right feelings for me and questions if he ever did. He is 47, I am 41 (stay at home mom). I always was a control freak and was somewhat verbally abusive. I pretty much squashed all the fun because of my own inner problems for years. He is angry, bitter, and done. I have recognized all my problems and most stem from a difficult childhood. I have accepted my past and want so badly to build a future with my husband who I love more than I can say. I have apologized for everything and stepped up and taken responsibility. He does not want to be with me but yet he comes over and spends hours with us. We are still connected, I can feel it. We have gone to family gatherings, dinner, neighbor gatherings, etc.. But he is detached from me. What can I do? When we are together we get along but he basically said he "doesn't want to try" and that we have tried for years. I have not tried. I was oblivious to my behavior and never bonded right with his parents/siblings which was critical to him. I really feel that I have undergone a life changing breakthrough with counseling but he wont see any chance. He went to one counseling session the first week to just say tell her I am done. I am so scared and lost. He thinks the kids will be fine. They are ok right now because they think we are just taking time apart because of all the arguing but if this continues and we cannot do family stuff together they will be devastated. He says coming back is not going to happen and I have told him that that is hurting everyone and we won't really be able to continue doing all the things together we do. He then goes right back to still doing stuff here with us. Sometimes just with me and friends and not the kids. He is really shut down from me. It sometimes seems like he is trying not to try, if that makes sense.I feel that marriage is worth fighting for, especially when mistakes have been acknowledges and changes put into place. I was so unhappy with me beforehand and basically used my H as a punching bag. Not always...see I know he only recalls the bad. Never the good. Says we were total opposites. That really isn't the case. It may sound like I am making excuses but I really TRIED to be opposite just to make someone else feel unhappy. Stupid, irresponsible, mean, and ultimately self destructive. I know I never would have realized this without the nearly 4mos. of counseling and this separation but I do and now it seems too late. Thanks for reading.Please help me.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

> They are ok right now because they think we are just taking time apart because of all the arguing but if this continues and we cannot do family stuff together they will be devastated.


Yeah, know what you mean, my kids tell me how much everyone misses them every time I speak to them, they think the separation is short term (and I hoped it was short term) but the (ex) wife seems to be trying as much as she can to make it permanent while trying to inflict the max amount of emotional pain 

Sounds like he is only remembering the bad times, that he has been hurt a heck of a lot and this is his way of dealing with it


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

sosadinCT..i can somehow relate to your story.I was also bitter a lot,in my case though i had a reason,sometime i didn't have a reason but the circumstances made me bitter.Husband was working nights a lot,i was always alone at night with the kids.We never went out anywhere because the few days of the month that he had off it was during the week ,never the weekends.
We lived in a really small town,nothing to do.I was miserable...it was just not fun.We are fun people and thats how we met,and we were very active with sports and everything.Than we moved to that town because of his work (more money) ,i had 2 babies ,stay at home mom . There was a lot of bitterness but it was not only because of ME.He won't acknowledge that .He blamed me for everything.At the End i told him ,screw the more money let's go back to the place we met and take a pay cut.He agreed ,i supported everything,i even sold the house for more than they said was worth .At the End he went there before us ,we were supposed to follow a month later ...and that is how he threw me under the bus....no thanks but i don't want you...i have so much fun (well not like that) but it's the case.He has tons of fun with his buddies while his not that fun wife was waiting to join.he got confused and is confused... i know that.
I moved close to relatives in a big town...i feel alive again,there is so much to do here ...i'm overwhelmed and in a way happy,i know that the little town killed our souls and i was trying to explain that to him but he had all the stupid reasons not to listen.

I told him that things will change when we move ,that we will be again alive and active ,i'll be happier,he took day shifts there...everything will change.He won't see that bitterness ,i also realized that i was holding a lot of grudge...i basically promised him the world....he does not believe me.he says that he doesn't love me anymore...I'm confused because 10 days before he told me it's over he hardly could wait to come home and see me.He literally ripped my clothes off and was so affectionate even after we were intimate,we fell asleep snuggling...that snuggling also happened after he told me it's over ,one of the nights when he was back from SC. There are moments when i see HIM,my baby ,my lover and friend....but it's like you said ....he is trying to fight the good feeling,he wants to resent me for even existing...

So like i said my story is almost the same,i 'm waiting for a chance to show him the new me,the one that is not going to be bitter most of the time,i realized so many things during the separation and i will never get back to being unhappy again.it's almost like when people survive cancer ...than they start to enjoy even the green grass or the blue sky...
I hope he gives a chance to see that before he makes his final decision.... or it'll be his loss...

(((hugs)))


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