# Any others Childfree by Choice?



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

My H and I decided to stay childfree in order to keep the focus on our marriage and since this is a place full of marriage-minded folks, I was wondering if there are any other childfree husbands or wives on here? Our choice seems to raise a lot of eyebrows among our peers. We get bingoed constantly! I'm always looking for fellow childfree folks to interact with since last I checked, almost all my married friends have at least one and in most cases 2+ children  If there is anyone else, can you give me any tips on how to react to some of the more pushy commenters? (I'm very bad at standing up for myself for some reason, on just about anything. I usually just mumble.)


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

We're childfree. I had the tubal ligation a month after we were married.
I think it's somewhat age dependent. We're only 34 so still get a bit of questions. I don't keep the surgery a secret from my family or friends but don't talk about it much. I've never wanted kids and avoid babies so nobody I know thinks anything of it. His family doesn't know about the surgery because he thinks his mother would be too upset (she loves babies and is pretty emotional). 

But once you get into your forties the questions pretty much stop, according to my co-worker.

I don't have much trouble with people saying anything because I'm happy to voice my opinion. I just say something along the lines of "it's just not for us" or we're not good with responsibility. And change the subject. It bugs me the most when people say that you'll change your mind (um, I've known this for 20 years now, and I've thought about it more than most people who have kids do).

Or, you'd be such great parents. Well, if I had to I know I could, but do you really want people who don't want kids to raise them. There's plenty of that going on in the world already.

Or, you'll love your own kids. Not if I don't have any.

It really just gets easier as people start to realize it's not happening and you become more confident as you get older.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Thanks for responding, Chelxi!

I want a TL but had abdominal surgery in 2010 and I don't feel ready to go through another. I'm also not looking forward to running the gamut of doctors telling me I'll change my mind. True story: I had a copper IUD, I loved it but it was causing some problems with my health. About a month before I got married the doctor decided it had to come out. She actually said to me, "It's just as well - you're getting married in a month so you won't want to be on birth control." I said "Oh yes I will!" and she said "No honey, babies are a blessing!" And I do NOT live in the Bible belt or something, I live in liberal Europe! I was shocked!

My mother-in-law is the one I most worry about. My parents are really into us being childfree, my mother says it's the best decision a woman can make (haha as her daughter I think that's great, honestly I do) but my MIL not so much. She doesn't know because my H doesn't want to tell her and I figure if she's going to hear it, she should hear it from him. Luckily he has a brother who seems more "traditional" so hopefully he will want kids and take the pressure off. She doesn't make comments often but when she does they stay with me. 

We fell in love extremely quickly and got married quickly also, and my H's family were convinced that I was pregnant. Obviously I wasn't but it was a very weird thing to be so excited about getting married and having to fend off those weird questions and glances ("is she or isn't she?"), especially since we're childfree, meaning those questions are unwelcome and do NOT make us giddy with delight.

The other day, yet another person (H's coworker) with 2 small children asked me when (not if) we're going to "start a family." I said "we are a family." Then she asked why we don't have kids yet. I said "we are just enjoying our marriage, we're very much in love" which is my usual 'leave me alone' response, and she said "oh but that's the best time to have children!" to which I think my mouth fell open in shock and I had no response. I simply can't compete with that mindset.

People also ask me if I'm infertile all the time. So classy.

Anyway, I seem to live in the land of "why would you get married if you don't want children?" which to me is the number one WORST thing you can see to a childfree couple... so it's good to see we're not the only ones!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I/we're childfree, but don't find it to be much of an issue. I personally don't feel like I have to explain or justify too much when it comes to my decisions, so I hardly ever get into much discussion about my desire (or lack thereof) for progeny. If people ask when or why we haven't knocked out some kids yet, I just wink and tell them we're still practicing how to *make* the babies.

It's one of those things like abortion, politics or religion....people feel the way they feel about having kids or not having kids and you'll never change anybody's mind about it. So 9 times out of 10, I deflect the discussion with a bit of humour (or just flat out ignore the comment) and go on about my day.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Omega,

My husband and I decided not to have children after we got married. We just assumed that we would have children after we got married, but the night when we were talking about having children, both of us were stressed and didn't feel good. I had to quit working, his one income would be very tight for a family, we had to fly internationally to visit families( He is from Canada, I am from China, we live in Taiwan). Just a lot of stress. Then my husband said " let's not have children! " And we made the decision right away. After the decision was made, both of us were relieved. My husband says I already know the feeling of being a mother, I have a son with my ex! 

My mother-in-law took it very well when we told her. She was disappointed, but she understood it was our life, our decision, we would be responsible for the decision we made. My father-in-law was not bothered at all. 

My own family couldn't understand it at all because they are Chinese. My mother was very worried. She said that I had to have children so it would be difficult for my husband to leave. Chinese have this kind of concept. After you have children, your marriage is more secure. I just laughed and told her not to worry! 

People ask us why we don't want children. I just tell them the real reason and I tell them raising children is a lot of responsibility, you don't just give birth to them, you don't just feed them and cloth them, you have to teach them to become responsible adults, that's not easy! 

We are pretty happy with the decision we made. My husband really likes his carefree life! I think we enjoy a lot of quality time together because we don't have children!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My SIL and her soon to be hubby are childfree. They have been together for almost 10 years and are getting married in a couple months. We have kids, but I personally think its great that they know what they want. Its not for everyone, and I am the type of person where you only have to tell me once and I BELIEVE YOU ha ha ha. I know she simply answers people with " I don't want kids and I never have". When they push and say "oh you'll feel differenly later" she just laughs and changes the subject. I have unfortunately been present for some people who like to pry and try to change her mind LOL.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

I believe anyone who makes this decision by choice, is very wise...Years ago our son and his wife followed this road in life...They have now been married over 25 years...Saying this, I wish I had a dollar for everytime that I have heard how happy they are that they followed this path in life...You see they struggled with this decision ...Shall we or shouldn't we?....I love my daughter-in-law very much....We are very close....Yet, I told her, honey if you struggle with this decision then let it go...A baby must be wanted...Must be yearned for....Be your piece of heaven....Or else don't go that route in life...

Later that year our son again talked to me about this...He was still bothered that he was disappointing us......In our conversation I told him "don't ever have a baby for us, only have a baby for you"...Take care...


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

It blows my mind that people have such audacity to question your decision to have children. I commemorate anyone who sticks to their convictions despite public opinion. 

The original poster (or someone else) may want to post this on another thread. You may get a new crop of kidless people to get to converse with. I have been on this site for ever but, have not been to this forum. Perhaps you have already done this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Not yet, we still have a couple living at home.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Sorry for resurrecting a thread from the dead but I was about to start a new one asking the same question, so i hope this is ok to respond to.

Wife and I do not have any kids by choice. Neither of us felt the desire to have kids but decided we would reconsider later. We are now both late 30's and she had a pregnancy scare last year. She told me to pull the trigger on the vasectomy, which I did January of this year. 

We are the only one in our circle of friends who are child free. Earlier in our marriage we went to a very conservative church and we were good friends with a lot of other couples there. She was starting to get flack from her friends for not wanting to have kids. They stopped bugging her after a while.

Wife's brother and his wife are also child free by choice. But the wife was 38 when they married (he was 24). They seem pretty happy.

Something we joke about is every time we meet a child-free couple they get preggers. We used to have several friends who didn't want kids, we started hanging out with them then a couple months later a surprise pregnancy. We call it our family curse. I wish though we could find other couples like us to have as friends.


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