# Wife Cheated with Neighbor... Divorced now



## MovingAhead

I was married for 15 years with 3 boys 9, 11, 12. Last Christmas, I found out my wife was having an affair with the neighbors brother. It was one of the most painful things that ever had happened. I tried to work things out with my wife, as I wanted my family. I did not want to have to give up half the holidays with my kids.

We started counseling but it was a waste of time as she was gone by then, but I did find out that one of my neighbors, her ‘best friend’ not only knew my wife was having an affair, but also conspired in helping it along. 

During the whole mess, it gave me an opportunity to be a better man, and father and I relished it. There was little that I could do to save my marriage. I tried my hardest, but she was in love with a man 10 years older. She is 45 and I am 42.

The whole divorce thing was horrible. To the lawyers, it is not your life, you are just another case so know the law and don’t fight losing battles. In Maryland it is a 25$ fine for adultery and they don’t give a damn who did it, you just split your assets 50-50. Since I was the bread winner, I was screwed.

She cheated on me. She gets alimony and refuses to work 40 hours a week. She gets child support for kids that have asked to live with me only but the court will not allow for it until they are 16 in Md. The law is the law. It doesn’t believe in fair or unfair, it is just guidelines. It doesn’t care who is right or wrong. It just follows guidelines.

I realized this very early in the process so I knew I would have to give her half. My wife moved out, last March but still was able to go into our house technically and stole money from my closet. She stole $10,000. We refinanced the house. I gave her $10,000 and had my own, which she took when I was out of town… Yes it was stupid to have it in the house, but I was moving it from a safety deposit box.

Over the course of the divorce, I never wanted, but now I am glad it is done, my now ex wife had my neighbor call the department of social services on me to try and have the kids taken away. The neighbor who called is the sister of the man she had an affair with. She stole money from me, took everything of value out of the house when I was on travel for work. My kids found notes of her affair with the nighbor’s brother, her friend purposefully ran into me with her car and now to top it off, my ex wife is now screwing my other neighbor as the one on the other side cut her loose. I wish I were making this stuff up. I got the kids Christmas morning and she dropped them off and went right in his house and slept there for a couple of days. I am selling my house to get out of my ‘trash’ neighborhood… Just FYI, my house is 6000 square feet. This is not a poor neighborhood but it lacks in values in so many ways.

What I have learned through the whole process is:

1.	You can wish the world was better, but you cannot change people. They are who they are and no matter what you do, if they are to change it’s up to them. All you can do is focus on making yourself a better person.

2.	The law is not rigged but it is not helpful. The judge has no idea who is lying so be calm. If you are going to get screwed, then its not the laws fault so there is no use in crying about it. Just accept it and move on or waste tons of time and energy fighting a losing battle.

3.	In a divorce you will lose. There are no winners. You will lose something. For me I lost half my savings and half my time with my kids. I am the one who takes them to all the practices and games and pays for all their school stuff and sports, but that really doesn’t matter. The law doesn’t care. Come to terms with it and minimize the pain.

4.	Even in the darkest times, God has been good to me. There are several times when I thought how my life was good except for just one thing.

When a spouse cheats, they have no respect for you. They don’t care about what they are doing to you or the family. It is selfish, but it is their choice. You can’t do anything to change them. That has to be done on their part.

As for me, the divorce was extremely painful. I tried to make it work but I was blindsided by it way to far into it to ever have had a chance. I am not perfect and things leading up to the divorce, well I did have my share of faults and blame, but it could have been worked out if both people want it to. It takes 2 to get married but 1 to get a divorce. I have met a beautiful woman. I am going to counseling because honestly, having 2 of your neighbors doing your wife and now ex wife, well that just isn’t right to me. Be strong. Invest in yourself with the Bible, self help books, the gym etc… Get straight with God, yourself, and your family and things will work out for you. They may not be what you wanted, but if I got what I originally wanted, I’d probably more miserable right now. I have traded up in the world. My girlfriend is beautiful and I have a much stronger relationship with my kids now. The time we spend together is valuable so we always try to make the most of it. God bless and be strong.


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## thatbpguy

I feel so sorry for you.

It is my opinion that a spouse why betrayes another is not entitled to get custody of the kids or gain anything from the settlement. But the laws sadly not only protect the betrayer but in many cases reward them.


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## keko

Just out of curiosity how many years will you be paying her alimony and child support?


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## warlock07

Things like this make my blood boil...

How are kids dealing with this?

And don't be too passive about it. You need to find your anger too.

Have you confronted her about the stealing? 

Are you sure she wasn't screwing your lawyer too?


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## MovingAhead

I am paying alimony for 3 years... I was dead set against it on a moral ground, but my lawyer told me even if I fought it I would have to probably pay her anyway because of salary discrepancy. So I acquiesced. 

As for her stealing the money. I confronted her. My kids were in the house and they knew what happened. I have been open and honest with them about us not getting back together etc... I have tried to not have them deal with things but their lives were really shattered by this whole event too. I filed a police report, but because my ex's name was still on the deed I could not do anything about it.

My kids are doing well. It was rough for every one. I had to be done with the whole thing to understand where I am.

My lawyer was good. She was honest and fair. 

I was angry for a long time. I took it out on the bench press at the gym. The gym gives me a routing to release the anger and keeps me occupied. I went from benching 175 to 275 so it has been good.

Sometimes life just gives you lemons so make lemonade. They also taste good with vodka... There was nothing fair about it. The law is not fair, it's the law and I am glad it's not about being fair, because she might have been a very convincing liar in court.

My kids know that when they turn 16 they will come live with me permanently. My child support payments will become their college payments. Divorce financially is ruining.

I met a girl who is great with my kids. They cling to her because she hugs them and they get the affection from her the wish they had from their mom. My girlfriend is beautiful and sweet and helps me with things like telling me I should separate lights and darks in the wash and simple things like that. I was used to mowing and cleaning, and fixing, but laundry not so much Not I cook and clean and laundry and mow and rake and cook and bake and everything.

I read a lot of these boards and their are a lot of bitter scorned women out there. Being bitter will not help you in anyway, and it isn't always the men. I'd say half the cheaters are the women. Its the people who dont have morals and respect and are just extremely selfish.


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## Summer4744

What a horrible story. Sorry you have to go through this. Just be glad you only have three years of alimony because in some states it would be for life.

Has the WW ever shown remorse or regret for what she has done?


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## MovingAhead

The Ex blames me for her affair. She told me that if was giving her what she needed it would not have happened. I listened to her and I didn't deny that I wasn't Ward Cleaver. She had been pretending to be happy for months, so she said. I hate to say it, but I am a guy. If you are telling me you are happy and act happy when I am around, I think you are happy. I know it's crazy but I am just not that sophisticated.

To this day, she treats me like I am a POS. I spend more time with the kids. I cook for them, make them good meals, talk to them etc... I am close to them. When she takes them out, she has to bring friends and alcohol along. It is what it is. I am building a good relationship with my kids and I have some very real examples of what not to do.

If you constantly blame someone else for what you have done, then you never look at yourself and honestly assess what you have done. I don't think she can honestly look at herself. It's ok. It's her choice and her life and she has already alienated 2 of our 3 kids. I don't feel sorry for her because she was given so many opportunities to stop and see what damage she was doing to everyone, but she never did. Now she has to live with what she has done and it's not going to be easy for her.


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## walkonmars

You are handling a horrible, horrible situation the right way. I liked your comment about making lemonade. Just be sure to limit the voka LOL. 

You actually did make 'lemonade'. You are getting more fit, your relationship with the kids is great. You are taking care of yourself. It would have been far too easy to fall into depression You are being a MAN. She is being a ... a... well we all know. 

She HAS to blame you. There's no way she's going to say out loud that it's her fault. But you know what? 

She knows. She knows it's all her. That's why she medicates with alcohol. 

She is very mad at you because in her warped thinking you "let" her fall into sin and debauchery. She hates herself so much she punishes herself by letting other men demean her. She's a mess and will be for a long, long time. 

She tries to force herself to 'look happy' in front of you. It's to try to forgive herself and justify what is unjustifiable. 

Keep doing well. It's the best "revenge" as they say.


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## 3putt

walkonmars said:


> You are handling a horrible, horrible situation the right way. I liked your comment about making lemonade. Just be sure to limit the voka LOL.
> 
> You actually did make 'lemonade'. You are getting more fit, your relationship with the kids is great. You are taking care of yourself. It would have been far too easy to fall into depression You are being a MAN. She is being a ... a... well we all know.
> 
> She HAS to blame you. There's no way she's going to say out loud that it's her fault. But you know what?
> 
> She knows. She knows it's all her. That's why she medicates with alcohol.
> 
> She is very mad at you because in her warped thinking you "let" her fall into sin and debauchery. She hates herself so much she punishes herself by letting other men demean her. She's a mess and will be for a long, long time.
> 
> She tries to force herself to 'look happy' in front of you. It's to try to forgive herself and justify what is unjustifiable.
> 
> Keep doing well. It's the best "revenge" as they say.


Perfectly stated.


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## weightlifter

Count down the days for the alimony. She is in for a rude one once that one ends and she sees a fiscal cliff then.

Thumbs up for the bench press. Go get a loyal woman. Preferably hotter and younger. Success is the best revenge. She sounds like one of those who will eat her heart out when she finds out you are banging a hotter younger woman. Btw. By younger I mean 32 to 36 not 22 years old.


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## sharkeey

3 years worth of alimoney on a 15 year marriage?

You got away cheap.

The rest of it.. splitting everything in half, splitting time with the kids 50/50, yes that's how the law works and if you think about it, that's not unreasonable. regardless of who earned more money during the marriage.

Face it marriage is a business arrangement and you've gotta split the proceeds. 

As far as the kids go, you might have been able to make a case for custody by trying to make the argument that you're the better parent but I'm sure you've been advised that since you're the primary breadwinner and she's been the primary caregiver, you have to pay and she gets primary custody. That's how you two agreed to the arrangement during the marriage, that's the status quo for the courts to make post marriage determinations. 

So stick it out for a few years, eventually the kids may figure it out and when they come of age you get the kids one at a time along with gradually reduced child support, and she gets nothing.

Not sure how God figures into this and why you thank "Him" for the good things that happen yet hold "Him" blameless for all the crap you've been through but that's above the context of this thread so never mind.


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## Catherine602

This is a moving post. I feel so good that you are getting your life in order. You have a lot of living to do and I know you will enjoy it. Congrats on the new woman in your life. 

Keep praying and look out for His work in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

If life gives you lemons... *build a bloody lemon firing trebuchet*! Trebuchet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Best of luck in your quest for a better life.:smthumbup:


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## sharkeey

I did a search on alimony in California. Marriages longer than 10 years are considered long duration and the courts often not only retain jurisdiction to extend alimony beyond the original ending date, but it's not uncommon for courts to award _lifetime alimony_ with a typical amount being at least half the marriage duration.

Count your blessings.

_Edited to add

I thought the Op was in California, my mistake _


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## MovingAhead

In Maryland, alimony is meant to be rehabilitative. She can have a 40 hour a week job. She is skilled and has a college degree. She doesn't want to give up her social life or do the things that I do to earn money, i.e. travel, work 20 hour days at times. I would have fought permanent alimony till I was bankrupt. She got roughly $200,000 and I am so broke now it is sad, but its fine.

I have a trebuchet in my garage. I built it with my son for his science fair project and we went to the world championship pumpkin chunkin contest in Delaware. It was a lot of fun.

I met a much younger girl. She is 42, but born in March as opposed to January for me. Divorce isn't about win or lose. It's not about revenge. My girlfriend is beautiful but more she is loyal and genuine. Lets face it in 20 years we will both be 60 so no one will care. I wanted someone I wanted to be with when I'm 62 not 42. Don't get me wrong, I have 3 boys and they fuss over who gets to sit next to her on the couch or at dinner and I have to wait my turn. I want her all to myself but they love her affection too soI give over a bit more than I'd like. She is beautiful, not just pretty but that is not why I am attracted to her. (It sure as hell doesn't hurt) Funny aside, I was at my kids soccer game and afterwards, my son told he that he didn't know if the guy my Ex was with was his grandpa or my mom's boyfriend. That did make me laugh even though it is a bit petty.

As for God, brother if you think God wants you to be miserable then you need to find a new church. Even in the darkest times of my life he blessed me. I read what I was supposed to be doing. (Courageous is a great movie for men who want to be better fathers) I have been working hard at being a better father and husband. The 'crap' in my life will come and go but his work and knowing that he loves me and my boys and even my ex wife is really powerful. Happiness is not permanent. It is fleeting, but I have been blessed with opportunity, friendship, a loving girlfriend etc...

I just found out last week that my girlfriend has stage 2 cancer. I have faith that she will make it through this episode and even if something were to happen to one of us tomorrow, I am thankful that I had this time on earth to spend with someone who loves me. That is what life is all about. We all die someday. I tell my boys, you may not be able to choose your circumstances but you can choose your actions.

I have been given a new perspective on life with all the 'crap' I have been through and my girlfriend is going through her own hell. With what happend to me and how I look at the world, I am the answers to her prayers. I will love her and take care of her no matter what. The world isn't just about you. I never asked God for what I wanted, I asked him for what he wanted me to have and it seems I was put where I was for a reason. Someone in the world really needs me right now and I have been molded to be who I am for her right now. I sure as heck am not perfect but I have something of value to offer. That wasn't an accident. It was grace.


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## walkonmars

I am not given to emotional tears, so it must be allergies. 
You are a good man.


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## 3putt

walkonmars said:


> I am not given to emotional tears, so it must be allergies.
> You are a good man.


Agreed.


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## Acabado

> It was grace


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## jnj express

You have other legal options

There are other areas to file suit in---such as Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

Look it up---look up the elements-----you will see you can file agst your X, and you can file agst her lover

You will do what you will do---but justice can be served if you are willing to pursue IT ALL THE WAY


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## the guy

DUDE!
God has a special place in heaven for guys like you!
I would have to say that you are in for some great rewards for the crap that you just went thru this past year.
He even gave you a hot chick, and there was a reason for that....it sounds like she is going to need a cat like you in the next couple of months.
Your kids will also be a great reward for you in the future...that a given.

While there mother dies alone in a trailer full of cats and cat boo only to be found by the mailman, your kids will grow to respect you while they resent there mother and the women she has become. Sorry man thats just how it works, you hear about it in the news all the time. Not trying ot be mean, but why else do these kinds of poeple have this happen enless it was something they did in the past.

You my friend will die surrounded by alot of loved ones...not surround by dogs eating your flesh cuz they haven't been feed and no one cares cuz you were such a duch in the past. You know what I mean?


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## happyman64

MA

Life is a test. And we can be sure of one thing. God will test us Till we die.

Your first wife was a test.
The reward? Your new GF.
Her cancer?
Your next test.
I am glad you found her when you did just as I am sure she is happy to have you, your boys and your faith as she battles cancer.

All of you are in my prayers including your Ex.

Never lose faith, in you, and in him!

HM64


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## Shaggy

You should post your wife, the two men she cheated with and the neighbor to helped the affair all on cheaterville.com and send links to it to the other neighbors. People need to know what kind of trash they have living around them.


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## Chaparral

Shaggy said:


> You should post your wife, the two men she cheated with and the neighbor to helped the affair all on cheaterville.com and send links to it to the other neighbors. People need to know what kind of trash they have living around them.


This, people deserves to know what they are up against. 

How did her family take this?


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## JCD

If it is any consolation, consider this.

Your wife has 3 years of alimony. She refuses to work.

When the alimony ends, she will be 48 years old...without any work history. Her choice.

So when the alimony ends, go Walmart and pick her up a blue smock, because that is what her future looks like.


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## Shaggy

JCD said:


> If it is any consolation, consider this.
> 
> Your wife has 3 years of alimony. She refuses to work.
> 
> When the alimony ends, she will be 48 years old...without any work history. Her choice.
> 
> So when the alimony ends, go Walmart and pick her up a blue smock, because that is what her future looks like.


I think this is the source of most of tue checkers at my local supermarket. I can't put my finger on why, but every checker at this particular store just scream post 48 year old divorced woman, possibky more than once.


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## alte Dame

You are an admirable and inspiring man. My thoughts are with you and your GF for her recovery.


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## MovingAhead

My neighborhood is full of gossips etc... I am sure the whole neighborhood knows what is going on. She dropped the kids off at my house Christmas morning and then spent the next two nights at my neighbor's house. That will get around.

My EX has been selfish for a long time. She can't see the reality of what she has done and I don't think she actually can face it. I believe that she will be looking for a happiness that will not come until she actually looks at herself. I don't want her to be a miserable old cat lady. It's up to her to look at herself and decide who she wants to be. I can't change her. She made her decisions.

To be honest, I was not a perfect husband and I did ignore her a bit, not on purpose but as we fell into 15 years of marriage etc... The divorce was not all her fault. I was not perfect by any stretch of imagination, but the affair, yes that was her. Our marriage could have been saved but that was her decision so I moved on.

I am not bitter. I don't want to out her on any cheating site or anything like that. She will have to answer for what she did one day as will I. I don't want to tear her down to make myself look better. I want to be better and lead by example. 

I am sure she has a very plausible story of why she needed to have an affair and wouldn't go to MC and all that. That isn't what is important. Everybody chooses their actions. I just want to make mine matter more. Its not about who wins or getting revenge.

Now I am not going to say that I don't get petty and make cracks about her and the neighbor because it does bother me. I have to sell my house and move now and I am not perfect. It's an opportunity to start over.

Feeling sorry for yourself, trying to get back at someone, trying to make them understand what they did.... BAHHH... that's all crap. Life is short. Make the most of your life for you! Things will happen for you. Just relish them as they come along and enjoy them! I do things because I want to. I love my gf, love my kids and my life is starting to get back on track. I have been blessed through this whole thing.


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## slater

MA- I hope you stay on these forums a bit. I appreciate your thoughts. In fact, so much so I just downloaded and watched Courageous at your recommendation. I can see where you get your inspiration.

I think too often here we focus on the hurt, and trying to make our offenders suffer or feel our pain. You are a great role model. Your wife will face her judgement, that is not for you or any of us.

I will say a prayer for your girlfriend.

God bless


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## life101

Only when we lose the walking stick, we learn to run. Even when our life is in shambles, people like OP can see god's grace in them.

You are a good man. Good things are in store for you.


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## Chaparral

MovingAhead said:


> My neighborhood is full of gossips etc... I am sure the whole neighborhood knows what is going on. She dropped the kids off at my house Christmas morning and then spent the next two nights at my neighbor's house. That will get around.
> 
> My EX has been selfish for a long time. She can't see the reality of what she has done and I don't think she actually can face it. I believe that she will be looking for a happiness that will not come until she actually looks at herself. I don't want her to be a miserable old cat lady. It's up to her to look at herself and decide who she wants to be. I can't change her. She made her decisions.
> 
> To be honest, I was not a perfect husband and I did ignore her a bit, not on purpose but as we fell into 15 years of marriage etc... The divorce was not all her fault. I was not perfect by any stretch of imagination, but the affair, yes that was her. Our marriage could have been saved but that was her decision so I moved on.
> 
> I am not bitter. I don't want to out her on any cheating site or anything like that. She will have to answer for what she did one day as will I. I don't want to tear her down to make myself look better. I want to be better and lead by example.
> 
> I am sure she has a very plausible story of why she needed to have an affair and wouldn't go to MC and all that. That isn't what is important. Everybody chooses their actions. I just want to make mine matter more. Its not about who wins or getting revenge.
> 
> Now I am not going to say that I don't get petty and make cracks about her and the neighbor because it does bother me. I have to sell my house and move now and I am not perfect. It's an opportunity to start over.
> 
> Feeling sorry for yourself, trying to get back at someone, trying to make them understand what they did.... BAHHH... that's all crap. Life is short. Make the most of your life for you! Things will happen for you. Just relish them as they come along and enjoy them! I do things because I want to. I love my gf, love my kids and my life is starting to get back on track. I have been blessed through this whole thing.


I agree with most of this. However, it makes me wonder why your neighors felt it was safe basically, to raid your family. Do you think you may have been seen as a nice guy that would not stand up for himself?

Prayers for your family and your girlfriend.
Chap


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## Kallan Pavithran

Do you know why your ex wife is baging your neighbour because she is jelous and sad that you are living happily with your GF. She want to hurt you and humiliate you. Dont fall for her trap. I know you wont.

She is trying to justify what she has done. She will realise soon what she had done.


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## Acabado

Neighbour = next mail ticket. She needs it. Desperately.


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## JCD

chapparal said:


> I agree with most of this. However, it makes me wonder why your neighors felt it was safe basically, to raid your family. Do you think you may have been seen as a nice guy that would not stand up for himself?
> 
> Prayers for your family and your girlfriend.
> Chap


He felt safe because the only consequence he's felt besides perhaps a diminishing of his reputation is that his lover now has to drive to visit him instead of walk down the block.

The OP doesn't seem into consequences, leaving that to God. Hopefully God is up to the job.


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## RClawson

MA thanks for sharing your experience. It is a perspective needed here where so much bitterness prevails.

For those of you who do not get the importance the God has played in MA's life you need to go back to the beginning and read his posts again. God did not do any of this to MA but he did provide a path for him to find peace in his heart. I will take that over bitterness and revenge any day of the week.


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## walkonmars

RClawson said:


> MA thanks for sharing your experience. It is a perspective needed here where so much bitterness prevails.
> 
> For those of you who do not get the importance the God has played in MA's life you need to go back to the beginning and read his posts again. God did not do any of this to MA but he did provide a path for him to find peace in his heart. I will take that over bitterness and revenge any day of the week.


Well said RC
This is the path that MA has chosen as a means of healing and it's worked remarkably well. We all chose the paths we tread to reach a goal. 

His path may not work for all but it works beautifully for him.


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## RClawson

I concur Walk but I am not fond of people here that dismiss God when someone has found solace in his grace.

I would never belittle anyones belief in God or anything else they believe influenced them in a positive manner.


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## JCD

RClawson said:


> I concur Walk but I am not fond of people here that dismiss God when someone has found solace in his grace.
> 
> I would never belittle anyones belief in God or anything else they believe influenced them in a positive manner.


One can 'forgive' a robber, but we still put them in jail. So too is it, IMO important to outline what is and is not acceptable behavior in a polite and civil society.

So using his faith to expunge the bitterness: First Rate.

Allowing people who abuse the trust of others and hurt his children: Not so First Rate.

Narcissists frequently don't recognize the Karma bus.

But that is me.


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## RClawson

JCD said:


> One can 'forgive' a robber, but we still put them in jail. So too is it, IMO important to outline what is and is not acceptable behavior in a polite and civil society.
> 
> So using his faith to expunge the bitterness: First Rate.
> 
> Allowing people who abuse the trust of others and hurt his children: Not so First Rate.
> 
> Narcissists frequently don't recognize the Karma bus.
> 
> But that is me.


Yes that whole free will crap is so stupid.


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## CuddleBug

I feel horrible for you. What a piece of $%^& this woman is!!!!

Personally, I wouldn't let her get away with it.

I would have the situation taken care of........


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## The Cro-Magnon

chapparal said:


> I agree with most of this. However, it makes me wonder why your neighors felt it was safe basically, to raid your family. Do you think you may have been seen as a nice guy that would not stand up for himself?


This.

Same attitude that led his neighbour into thinking that porking his wife had no difficulties or possible consequences for them is also to be seen in OP's lack of outrage or any form of perfectly reasonable anger at what has happened to him.

I am not a fan of The Big Lebowski school of thought "Whatever, maaaaan, it's all good, just be happy, cosmic-karma will even it all out"

That neighbour should be in fear of his life.


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## JCD

RClawson said:


> Yes that whole free will crap is so stupid.


I am curious how you think that relates. He IS exercising his free will...in a manner in which other people view him as a victim. Or were you talking about how his wife exercised her free will 3 times a day this Christmas weekend? She knew her husband would exercise his free will in discretion, protecting her crapulence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares

The system is set up to emasculate the husband when the marriage fails. Anything that destroys the union will be viewed as a failure by the man since he is expected to be the provider and protector.
The only thing a guy can do short of murder is consider himself lucky to be rid of the excess baggage and, if necessary move the hell out of the state where his loadstone is living and quit working to provide for her and her kids.


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## RClawson

JCD said:


> I am curious how you think that relates. He IS exercising his free will...in a manner in which other people view him as a victim. Or were you talking about how his wife exercised her free will 3 times a day this Christmas weekend? She knew her husband would exercise his free will in discretion, protecting her crapulence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The point is that God does not allow any of this. Just accept the fact that the OP has found peace and contentment via "the pure love of Christ". I understand you do not get it or believe it but his path is not yours. 

It never ceases to amaze me how some people cannot accept the fact happily that someone else can solve a problem in a mature manner despite the fact they did not follow the "criteria" that another deems as "correct". 

Free will is a gift and life would suck without it.


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## JCD

RClawson said:


> The point is that God does not allow any of this. Just accept the fact that the OP has found peace and contentment via "the pure love of Christ". I understand you do not get it or believe it but his path is not yours.
> 
> It never ceases to amaze me how some people cannot accept the fact happily that someone else can solve a problem in a mature manner despite the fact they did not follow the "criteria" that another deems as "correct".
> 
> Free will is a gift and life would suck without it.


Again, you side step the issue.

People talk about family values (something I actually believe in, thank you very much. You have no idea about my belief system). But if you care so much about them, you damn well better be willing to defend them because they are under assault by people like this. THIS happens everywhere. It isn't Hollywood. It's decisions by everyday people. Letting them get away with this is standing by while bad men do their mischief.

I think he's handled this rather well. And I would even characterize it to a certain extent as 'mature'. But the 'good bye to bad garbage' attitude while avoiding any hint of confrontation or exposure just means that these men and that woman can crap all over other people. 

Am I advocating violence?

No.

How many other married couples are in his neighborhood? When he sees POS A or POS B go to one of their barbecues, should he sigh and say a prayer for the state of their souls, or actually have a talk with the involved husband about the snake they are letting into their homes?

Which is truly 'more mature'? Oh...one involves some personal risk of confrontation. Better to run away.

I say leave the garbage behind, but make sure that everyone in that neighborhood has the ability to guard their marriages in an INFORMED manner, something this man, who seemed to value his marriage probably WISHED he had.

To use the religious view: Paul, Peter, John the Baptist and Jesus all got confrontational when great wrongs happened. They didn't 'just' turn the other cheek. Compassion for the deserving, but calling people on their crap when it was needed.

Zachias and the Adulterous Woman felt horrible about what they did and deserved grace. The Pharasiees, Herod, the Church at Sardis...all were called on their actions *which were wrong!* The Christians involved did NOT slink away until they were in fear of their lives.

I am suggesting he embrace a more holistic approach to his choosen doctrine instead of just the easier bits (and no, forgiveness is not terribly easy. I say this in comparison)


----------



## sharkeey

michzz said:


> This is true and an indication of just how screwed I am. My disloyal wife who refuses to get a job is going to get alimony out of me until I drop dead despite having been a fraud for most of our marriage


Most states have eliminated lifetime spousal support, perhaps the laws will change in your favor and you can then petition the courts for modification.

Isn't it amazing that one state's laws can be so different from another and 2 guys in the exact same situation can be affected so differently? 3 yrs versus lifetime. And it's not only about the money, it's about not being able to ever sever that connection to a deceptive exwife.

Somehow you'll find a way to deal with it but I sympathize. I just made another spousal support payment, it's been going on for over 6 years.. that's going to end before 2013 does (although child support continues) .. and I'm really looking forward to it.


----------



## Chaparral

JCD said:


> Again, you side step the issue.
> 
> People talk about family values (something I actually believe in, thank you very much. You have no idea about my belief system). But if you care so much about them, you damn well better be willing to defend them because they are under assault by people like this. THIS happens everywhere. It isn't Hollywood. It's decisions by everyday people. Letting them get away with this is standing by while bad men do their mischief.
> 
> I think he's handled this rather well. And I would even characterize it to a certain extent as 'mature'. But the 'good bye to bad garbage' attitude while avoiding any hint of confrontation or exposure just means that these men and that woman can crap all over other people.
> 
> Am I advocating violence?
> 
> No.
> 
> How many other married couples are in his neighborhood? When he sees POS A or POS B go to one of their barbecues, should he sigh and say a prayer for the state of their souls, or actually have a talk with the involved husband about the snake they are letting into their homes?
> 
> Which is truly 'more mature'? Oh...one involves some personal risk of confrontation. Better to run away.
> 
> I say leave the garbage behind, but make sure that everyone in that neighborhood has the ability to guard their marriages in an INFORMED manner, something this man, who seemed to value his marriage probably WISHED he had.
> 
> To use the religious view: Paul, Peter, John the Baptist and Jesus all got confrontational when great wrongs happened. They didn't 'just' turn the other cheek. Compassion for the deserving, but calling people on their crap when it was needed.
> 
> Zachias and the Adulterous Woman felt horrible about what they did and deserved grace. The Pharasiees, Herod, the Church at Sardis...all were called on their actions *which were wrong!* The Christians involved did NOT slink away until they were in fear of their lives.
> 
> I am suggesting he embrace a more holistic approach to his choosen doctrine instead of just the easier bits (and no, forgiveness is not terribly easy. I say this in comparison)


Jesus did not turn the other cheek when he destroyed the money lenders, etc., market in the temple. When the soldiers came for Jesus, Peter DREW HIS SWORD. This sword was not carried for hunting. BTW, he also used the sword.


----------



## RClawson

JCD said:


> Again, you side step the issue.
> 
> People talk about family values (something I actually believe in, thank you very much. You have no idea about my belief system). But if you care so much about them, you damn well better be willing to defend them because they are under assault by people like this. THIS happens everywhere. It isn't Hollywood. It's decisions by everyday people. Letting them get away with this is standing by while bad men do their mischief.
> 
> *I do not know squat about your belief system but you do not have much regard for the OP's. You believe what you believe and he believes what he believes get over it. And your proposal to correct this is what? Individuals put in stocks in the town center. The "New Salem Witch" trials? Capital "A" or "EA" tattoed on the the forhead? Your right this is everyday life. Sometimes it truly sucks and once again you cannot legislate morality. If the OP wants to forgive 7x70 then that is his christian perogative. *
> 
> I think he's handled this rather well. And I would even characterize it to a certain extent as 'mature'. But the 'good bye to bad garbage' attitude while avoiding any hint of confrontation or exposure just means that these men and that woman can crap all over other people.
> 
> That is just how some of us are build and once again just because you do not agree with it does not make it incorrect.
> 
> Am I advocating violence?
> 
> No.
> 
> How many other married couples are in his neighborhood? When he sees POS A or POS B go to one of their barbecues, should he sigh and say a prayer for the state of their souls, or actually have a talk with the involved husband about the snake they are letting into their homes?
> 
> *Once again while I may agree that it may be better for the general population of the neighborhood to know this is how he has chosen to handle it.
> 
> *Which is truly 'more mature'? Oh...one involves some personal risk of confrontation. Better to run away.
> 
> *I guess it depends how much drama you like and how you want to comport yourself. It is not an issue of running away it is an issue of letting go and moving forward for him.*
> 
> I say leave the garbage behind, but make sure that everyone in that neighborhood has the ability to guard their marriages in an INFORMED manner, something this man, who seemed to value his marriage probably WISHED he had.
> 
> To use the religious view: Paul, Peter, John the Baptist and Jesus all got confrontational when great wrongs happened. They didn't 'just' turn the other cheek. Compassion for the deserving, but calling people on their crap when it was needed.
> 
> *No Jesus used parables to teach the masses but only the pure in heart understood. They had wisdom and actually Christ had compassion for all mankind even those who crucified him. Your likely reading different scripture than you do but the Jesus I know said Love your enemies and pray for those that despitefully use you. His law replaced the old testament law.*
> 
> Zachias and the Adulterous Woman felt horrible about what they did and deserved grace. The Pharasiees, Herod, the Church at Sardis...all were called on their actions *which were wrong!* The Christians involved did NOT slink away until they were in fear of their lives.
> 
> *See the above.*
> 
> I am suggesting he embrace a more holistic approach to his choosen doctrine instead of just the easier bits (and no, forgiveness is not terribly easy. I say this in comparison)


*I do not believe there is a more holistic approach than what he has chosen to put into practice but that is just me and several others here who have as much as said so.*


----------



## RClawson

chapparal said:


> Jesus did not turn the other cheek when he destroyed the money lenders, etc., market in the temple. When the soldiers came for Jesus, Peter DREW HIS SWORD. This sword was not carried for hunting. BTW, he also used the sword.


Jesus was not attacked at the temple but he was protecting the sanctity of his "Fathers House". Please let's not put us on the same level of Christ and his righeous anger. I submit to you that you have no clue what that really looks like to mortal man. Look what kind of trouble that has the world in so much trouble today. Look at the radical muslim community that acts constantly in he name of God and murders because they have decided that someone has blasphemed against Allah.

So Peter drew his sword and cut off an ear oh and BTW Christ replaced it, turned himself over to the court and allowed himself to be scourged, tortured and crucified. 

Let's just admit some of us are not going to agree on this topic, end the hijack and continue to support the OP for taking the higher road.


----------



## RAN

RClawson said:


> Jesus was not attacked at the temple but he was protecting the sanctity of his "Fathers House". Please let's not put us on the same level of Christ and his righeous anger. I submit to you that you have no clue what that really looks like to mortal man. Look what kind of trouble that has the world in so much trouble today. Look at the radical muslim community that acts constantly in he name of God and murders because they have decided that someone has blasphemed against Allah.
> 
> So Peter drew his sword and cut off an ear oh and BTW Christ replaced it, turned himself over to the court and allowed himself to be scourged, tortured and crucified.
> 
> Let's just admit some of us are not going to agree on this topic, end the hijack and continue to support the OP for taking the higher road.


Let us not bring the Religions into play here, it is only TAM.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

JCD said:


> Again, you side step the issue.
> 
> People talk about family values (something I actually believe in, thank you very much. You have no idea about my belief system). But if you care so much about them, you damn well better be willing to defend them because they are under assault by people like this. THIS happens everywhere. It isn't Hollywood. It's decisions by everyday people. Letting them get away with this is standing by while bad men do their mischief.
> 
> I think he's handled this rather well. And I would even characterize it to a certain extent as 'mature'. *But the 'good bye to bad garbage' attitude while avoiding any hint of confrontation or exposure just means that these men and that woman can crap all over other people. *
> 
> Am I advocating violence?
> 
> No.
> 
> *How many other married couples are in his neighborhood? When he sees POS A or POS B go to one of their barbecues, should he sigh and say a prayer for the state of their souls, or actually have a talk with the involved husband about the snake they are letting into their homes?*
> 
> Which is truly 'more mature'? Oh...one involves some personal risk of confrontation. Better to run away.
> 
> *I say leave the garbage behind, but make sure that everyone in that neighborhood has the ability to guard their marriages in an INFORMED manner, something this man, who seemed to value his marriage probably WISHED he had.
> *
> To use the religious view: Paul, Peter, John the Baptist and Jesus all got confrontational when great wrongs happened. They didn't 'just' turn the other cheek. Compassion for the deserving, but calling people on their crap when it was needed.
> 
> Zachias and the Adulterous Woman felt horrible about what they did and deserved grace. The Pharasiees, Herod, the Church at Sardis...all were called on their actions *which were wrong!* The Christians involved did NOT slink away until they were in fear of their lives.
> 
> I am suggesting he embrace a more holistic approach to his choosen doctrine instead of just the easier bits (and no, forgiveness is not terribly easy. I say this in comparison)


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

He thrown the garbage out of his house warped up in a golden paper. So that it can destroy other families and children.:scratchhead:


----------



## JCD

RAN said:


> Let us not bring the Religions into play here, it is only TAM.


Agreed. I should not have offered even tacit mocking of his *interpretation* of his religion.


----------



## MovingAhead

Just an update...

For those who think I sat here and just let things happen and didn't take any action, let me put this in perspective. I did everything I possibly could to save my marriage. MC, reading, listening, learning, putting into practice what I could learn, everything. I doted, I was strong, but honestly when it happened, my whole world came crashing down and when I look back at it, I know my mind was not firing on all cylinders. How could it? My wife of 15 years who I thought was loving and loyal had been straying for years and when I found out I did what I could.

I wanted to be divorced, I was done and then I read that a man should love his wife like Jesus loved the church so I forgave. It didn't work out. I did not kick her out she left. She left me and the boys hurt so many people I can't describe it all. The thing is I am glad she left, because when I found out the totality of it all, all the cheating, I don't think I could ever have been happy in our marriage again.

If you don't think I didn't out her behavior, well you are absolutely wrong. Shine light on the darkness and I did. Now my EX has many more social connections in the neighborhood so she spun her webs, but all that did was make life harder for my kids.

If you think I ever let people walk all over me, well you don't know me at all. I am passive to a point until someone violates my code of right and wrong and then I just fight.

Let me put it this way. My neighbor is porking my EX. She is my EX. As disgusting as it may be, I have no legal recourse in that. My kids are not happy with their mom, but she is their mom and they have to be with her according to the court. There is no way as a man in MD that I could have gotten full custody of the kids. My EX is a ***** but she could have made a play for 'primary caregiver'. I got the best I could get out of the situation. 

Knowing that I couldn't realistically hope for more, should I be angry or bitter? Well, what is that going to do? A whole lot of nothing. The only thing you can do is make yourself better and see what happens then. So I did. I don't hate my EX. I think she is exacting her own punishment on herself. She will be miserable for years to come. My/(Our) kids are angry with her for good reason. I have a good relationship with them and I am doing my best in guiding them. My girlfriend who will be their step mom is already a mom to them. She hugs them and loves them and treats them as her own. I do the same for her kids. We had to put our 15 year old dog down today. My GF held the two younger boys as they cried and they love her because she loves them. I have a new family now.

My EX can try and find happiness in what she is doing and maybe that works for her. I don't think it will. I don't drink or party. I play Clue or Othello or Monopoly with my kids and soccer and football. That is my idea of happiness and when I don't have the kids.

I have absolutely no control over what any person does. They make those choices. My kids know exactly how I feel. They know that I wasn't perfect in our marriage, but I sure as hell didn't deserve to be cheated on like I was. I found out that when I was on travel working to provide my EX and family with a house and things, she would have my neighbor over till 3AM drinking on the couch in the living room. Obviously now that we are divorced, my neighbor can be happy that he can just openly bang my EX.

Yes it bothers me. It doesn't bother me in that I want her back. Believe me, my girlfriend/fiance is a big step up. It bothers me that someone would just do something so blatantly wrong and not care who it hurts. She will drive over to the neighbors house when she drops the kids off and make them walk over to my house. How do you think they feel about that? She is eroding her relationship with the kids. That is not my fault or my choice. You cannot stop someone from acting an ass. Sometimes things just have to run their course.

If I would sit and be angry or bitter and scream at everyone who knew her about what she did, they wouldn't know what to believe and it would just take a lot of energy out of me. The best thing I have done is get my life straight. With the people who matter most, i.e. my kids, they know what the deal is. Other people want to make their decisions on who they like best so I am not interested in persecuting her publicly.

I don't want her to grow up to be a bitter old cat lady. At one time I loved her dearly and while she did hurt me so badly, I don't wish revenge. It's just not important. I realized there was no going back to the life that was, so I sat down and I made a list of things I wanted to do with my life and I am pursuing it.

I have a beautiful girlfriend. She looks like she is 27 and is 42 and is stunning. She needed me as much as I needed her and we love each other dearly. She is amazing with my kids and she helps me with simple stuff that I need.

I have a much better relationship with my kids. They know everything that wen on. They saw me try and grow and love them as best as I could. They saw me fall and pick myself up and work with them as best I could. They would love to live with only me but the courts won't allow it. I'd have a .01% chance of getting full custody as a man in MD. The courts DO NOT want to here the children testify as to what they want. So we make the best of a bad situation.

As for God. I read his teachings. Being angry and bitter are not the way. God has been my rock. I have my boys say grace at dinner. We say prayers before bed. I want my children to become good men before they become anything else.

I did fight the good fight. I did my best and I tried even though at times I would rather had given up and walked away. I honestly believe God gave me what he wanted to have and not what I asked for. Yes, I wished my marriage wouldn't have fallen apart, but that was not my choice. I was given a second chance by grace and I am very happy as to where my life is going. 

I choose to NOT be bitter. Don't get me wrong. I am not always the better man. I don't like my EX behavior and I tell my kids. I just tell them the truth. The truth in this case is not very nice and something I should never had to talk to them about. When they asked her why we were getting a divorce, she would tell them 'adult reasons', then they asked me I would tell them the truth. I told them I wasn't the best husband, and I finally told them about the infidelity as she was doing it in front of me and the kids so I just let it all out. Was it the best thing to do? I don't know, but I am only human so I spoke the truth! Anyway, being bitter and angry did not help me start over. Focusing on the things I can control, myself and my relationships with my kids, friends, and family is what I can control. That is what worked for me. 

My life is getting so much better and I believe it is simply grace.


----------



## JCD

If everyone in the neighborhood knows the character of your wife and the man she was cheating with, you've done all you could. If her family and your family knows, than it's done.

That is my only critique and you've clarified it. Anyone sleeping with her now (POS B) has what is coming to him...a used and deceitful woman. Not someone to introduce to mom.

I wouldn't have a close relationship with the chap, but that's me.


----------



## happyman64

Great Update Movin Ahead.

Love the one your with!

Yourself, your kids, your GF and her kids.

Amen.....

HM64


----------



## lovely2011

I did not read all the posts but from what I did read, you are one AWESOME kick @ss person! Who cares about her, obviously all that both of the men want from her is the one thing that she apparently is good for. You live a happy life with your girlfriend and your boys and obviously God as he is important to you. You are making all the right decisions in life and you are doing well. Everything will be just fine for you, I believe it. Thank you for sharing your story. It turns out not all people have to be bitter after being cheated on! Life goes on and life gets better. Once again, thank you for your story!


----------



## GBValley

Hey friend,

I love your honesty and passion. I just clicked through to your story from my board.

It resonates with me in the fact I can admit to not proactively helping our marriage the way I should've but at the same time didn't proactively destroy it like our wives.

I really feel for you with all the unreasonable anger directed at you, do we call it anger? There is one vivid scene in my mind at one point where I caught my wife at dinner with this guy (in effect outing her) and she showed me absolute hatred and was spewing horrible things at me, as if I was to blame for all her sin and it was all my fault. It was as if they were married and I was some loser who was harassing her. I've never felt so **** in my life.

There have been a couple of times in my life I have seen the devils handiwork and this is sure one of them.

Like you she seemed happy and said she was happy - no problems but they are actually building up resentment.

I'm happy your life is on the up and you are doing well with a lovely woman =) I will be praying for you both.

God bless


----------



## ColinC

Good for you Thanks for the support


----------



## MovingAhead

ColinC said:


> Good for you Thanks for the support


I posted that as my initial post 7 months ago. I am 1.7 years past DDay. I know how bad it sucks for you right now brother. Be strong and be financially smart. She really screwed you over. Be clandestine and just get out with what you can. Leave her to your crappy neighbor and move on with your life.


----------



## sirdano

I always look at life and God like this.
You have one room with no light in it and one with a light in it. Open the door what happens? 
The light gets rid of the dark not the other way around. 

So where every I am feeling down I know God will chase the dark away


----------



## sandc

Just discovered your thread. How is your girlfriend's health?

Grace and peace to you from our Lord Jesus Christ.


----------



## Curious_Guy

(Just discovered this thread too.)

Seriously, nothing makes my angrier than seeing a good, innocent man like this having to suffer because of an adulterous wife.

It pains me that law seems to reward cheaters instead of punishing them. Like why does this cheating wife get so much advantages while such a great husband has to suffer paying for her sh*t and losing half the time with his kids??

MovingAhead, I'm sorry for my ranting up there but I'm glad to see you're doing good now!

Like you said, she is going to suffer from her mistakes. She will realize what a great man she had! Your girlfriend seems very lucky to have you. 

Even though times were tough, you seem to be on the road to the good life. (Or probably living it now.)


----------



## MovingAhead

sandc said:


> Just discovered your thread. How is your girlfriend's health?
> 
> Grace and peace to you from our Lord Jesus Christ.


She is doing well. She had some (work) done and has no remaining known issues with her health. Thank you for asking. I don't want to be too personal with her story. That is for her to tell.

God continues to bless me all the time.


----------



## MovingAhead

Curious_Guy said:


> (Just discovered this thread too.)
> 
> Seriously, nothing makes my angrier than seeing a good, innocent man like this having to suffer because of an adulterous wife.
> 
> It pains me that law seems to reward cheaters instead of punishing them. Like why does this cheating wife get so much advantages while such a great husband has to suffer paying for her sh*t and losing half the time with his kids??
> 
> MovingAhead, I'm sorry for my ranting up there but I'm glad to see you're doing good now!
> 
> Like you said, she is going to suffer from her mistakes. She will realize what a great man she had! Your girlfriend seems very lucky to have you.
> 
> Even though times were tough, you seem to be on the road to the good life. (Or probably living it now.)


There is nothing to be angry about. I have lost a lot because there was nothing I could do about it. I was never the perfect husband or father. 

What I have gained from this is immeasurable. I have a new and much better outlook on life. I have a very close relationship with my boys. Sometimes I have to be the dad and enforce some discipline but that is part of the job. We do a lot together. I don't take days for granted any more. I try to live every day to its fullest if I can.

Tonight, my little one doesn't have football practice. We will go to Gathland state park, climb South Mountain, climb the original Washington Monument and take pictures of the mountains in Autumn when the leaves are turning and watch the sun set.

I still sleep on the floor when we aren't sleeping over my GF's house, but so what. We don't have TV, but I will download this week's episode of The Walking Dead and spend time as a family doing homework, practicing sports, enjoying life, and being together. That is the stuff that is important.

I get angry when people interfere with my life and my family. You cannot help your circumstances sometimes. You can only help how you act in them. I am not a conflict type of person, but like Shakespeare said, ' Beware Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in, Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.'

Like I said before, my EX's boyfriend mistook my desire to avoid conflict as a weakness. Now he does not have that false impression any longer. 

I'm in debt. I sleep on the floor. I fail all the time, and you know what, Life is really really good! (God is good all the time, and all the time God is good)


----------



## happyman64

> I'm in debt. I sleep on the floor. I fail all the time, and you know what, Life is really really good! (God is good all the time, and all the time God is good)


Sometimes that is all we need in life. And there is nothing like a little failure to push us to do better and be better in life....

HM


----------



## sandc

Sleep is sweet when you live honestly and work to your full potential. Even the floor can feel like a feather bed.


----------



## just got it 55

happyman64 said:


> Sometimes that is all we need in life. And there is nothing like a little failure to push us to do better and be better in life....
> 
> HM


That's exactly right HM

As I like to call them

The Opportunities of Failure


----------



## MovingAhead

Just Updating My Personal Thread:

I had to go to court 2 weeks ago. I am filing for soul custody of my three boys and I am relatively sure that I will get custody of at least the two older boys if not the third as well. I did not put in many details as of yet as this was a fluid situation and I wanted the court process to be started. It will be decided in a few months. The outlook for me getting soul custody is good.

When I had my DDay 2 years ago (Dec 22,2011) I was shattered. I went through the healing process and I did a tremendous amount of introspection. This is the key to Moving Ahead! It is the self assessment, the honesty with oneself and the desire to be a better person that if you let motivate yourself, you can come out of the infidelity process stronger whether you R or D. It is when you don't harbor the bitterness, and the anger toward your WS and you can forgive them and start your self improvement that you can really find a new found peace in life.

I am angry with my EX, because she has never sat down and did her own part and just blamed me. The result is she has become, if she already wasn't a horrible mother to our two oldest. They want nothing to do with her for the most part. They will spend Christmas with her, but in essence, my oldest lost his mother and I don't know if she is ever coming back.

My boys are doing well. Good grades, mostly behaved... they are boys. My two oldest just played in the national soccer championships in Florida on two separate teams. 

I was dating a beautiful woman for 16 months. She is gorgeous and wonderful 5 out of 7 days and has BPD. Our relationship finally ended as it really was destined to, but we still keep in touch. I miss her and the boys do as well and she misses us but we are both moving on with our lives in separate directions. It is a sad tale and a very happy one but it had a beginning and an end.

For Christmas, I am recharging. We got a bunch of Christmas ornaments and I am letting my EX do some work with the boys, i.e. have them over her house and do nothing while I take a break from doing all of the work with the kids.

After my Dday I wrote down who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life. I did that for this Christmas. I have been dating again. There are so many beautiful women out there. It is so easy to find dates to do great things with. All you have to be is open and honest, sincere and strong and life will bless you. I have dated about a dozen different girls in the past couple of months and there are a few that really seem worth getting to know better. I have no rush to jump into anything. Having beautiful women send text pictures to me in sexy Santa suits makes me very appreciative of the holidays and it also makes me wonder who else is on the Christmas card list... level headed but loved the present!

For Christmas:
Went to the Myerhoff to see Straight no Chaser with a wonderful blonde. I had one of the best dates I've ever been on. We sat very close, comfortable but not intimate and it was a great time.
Going to the Kennedy Center to see Handle's Messiah with this stunningly beautiful Auburn haired girl tonight. She is so sweet. I'm a little gruff so this should be fun. I tricked her into going with me. I told her I wouldn't spit my chewing tobacco on the floor. (I don't chew tobacco so just kidding)
Going to the Symphony and Ice Skating with another beautiful red head this weekend. After the symphony we are going to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life.', my favorite Christmas movie.
Taking my boys to see the lights at the zoo and tree at the White House...
Had another date where we had dinner and just walked down by the harbor in Baltimore and looked at all of the lights.
Going to see Jim Gaffigan with a wonderful lady in January.
Baking cookies, ginger bread houses with the boys and going a little off-roading in the snow with my boys in my Jeep. We will also go tubing soon.

There is so much to do. There are so many wonderful people out there. You can choose to sit home and be miserable this Christmas or you can chose not to. This is the first year ever that I will not have my boys on Christmas. I decided that since I can't go to the gym, I would make my own memories that I will have for Christmas. So I have been busy enjoying the wonderful company of beautiful women, enjoying the season with my kids and giving back to the community. I took 4 underprivileged boys to a theme park for the day. Giving back to people. Offering yourself and feeling the appreciation that they give you is worth it's weight in gold.

To everyone here, BS, WS and others, Merry Christmas! I may disagree with many of you but it doesn't mean that I don't value your opinion. For those that I agree with a lot, keep on being right!  May God bless each and everyone of you this season and please remember that though we all have our trials, the end product that you choose to be is what is important.


----------



## movin on

Sounds like you found happiness. It's good to see stories like yours. Just wish we could see more off them. 

Merry Christmas
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

Moving Ahead

Your posts are the best posts on the subject that I have ever read on TAM!!!

You got crapped on by your wife, hurt you financially big time, and caused all kinds of emotional damage for you and your children for a time. However, you did not stay in that hell hole of depression you actually got better! In addition you have a great relationship with your children and have a great attitude! 

*You seem to have peace that goes beyond understanding and have learned to be content in what ever state you are in. Man that is unbeatable!!!!*


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## illwill

MovingAhead said:


> Just Updating My Personal Thread:
> 
> I had to go to court 2 weeks ago. I am filing for soul custody of my three boys and I am relatively sure that I will get custody of at least the two older boys if not the third as well. I did not put in many details as of yet as this was a fluid situation and I wanted the court process to be started. It will be decided in a few months. The outlook for me getting soul custody is good.
> 
> When I had my DDay 2 years ago (Dec 22,2011) I was shattered. I went through the healing process and I did a tremendous amount of introspection. This is the key to Moving Ahead! It is the self assessment, the honesty with oneself and the desire to be a better person that if you let motivate yourself, you can come out of the infidelity process stronger whether you R or D. It is when you don't harbor the bitterness, and the anger toward your WS and you can forgive them and start your self improvement that you can really find a new found peace in life.
> 
> I am angry with my EX, because she has never sat down and did her own part and just blamed me. The result is she has become, if she already wasn't a horrible mother to our two oldest. They want nothing to do with her for the most part. They will spend Christmas with her, but in essence, my oldest lost his mother and I don't know if she is ever coming back.
> 
> My boys are doing well. Good grades, mostly behaved... they are boys. My two oldest just played in the national soccer championships in Florida on two separate teams.
> 
> I was dating a beautiful woman for 16 months. She is gorgeous and wonderful 5 out of 7 days and has BPD. Our relationship finally ended as it really was destined to, but we still keep in touch. I miss her and the boys do as well and she misses us but we are both moving on with our lives in separate directions. It is a sad tale and a very happy one but it had a beginning and an end.
> 
> For Christmas, I am recharging. We got a bunch of Christmas ornaments and I am letting my EX do some work with the boys, i.e. have them over her house and do nothing while I take a break from doing all of the work with the kids.
> 
> After my Dday I wrote down who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do with my life. I did that for this Christmas. I have been dating again. There are so many beautiful women out there. It is so easy to find dates to do great things with. All you have to be is open and honest, sincere and strong and life will bless you. I have dated about a dozen different girls in the past couple of months and there are a few that really seem worth getting to know better. I have no rush to jump into anything. Having beautiful women send text pictures to me in sexy Santa suits makes me very appreciative of the holidays and it also makes me wonder who else is on the Christmas card list... level headed but loved the present!
> 
> For Christmas:
> Went to the Myerhoff to see Straight no Chaser with a wonderful blonde. I had one of the best dates I've ever been on. We sat very close, comfortable but not intimate and it was a great time.
> Going to the Kennedy Center to see Handle's Messiah with this stunningly beautiful Auburn haired girl tonight. She is so sweet. I'm a little gruff so this should be fun. I tricked her into going with me. I told her I wouldn't spit my chewing tobacco on the floor. (I don't chew tobacco so just kidding)
> Going to the Symphony and Ice Skating with another beautiful red head this weekend. After the symphony we are going to watch 'It's a Wonderful Life.', my favorite Christmas movie.
> Taking my boys to see the lights at the zoo and tree at the White House...
> Had another date where we had dinner and just walked down by the harbor in Baltimore and looked at all of the lights.
> Going to see Jim Gaffigan with a wonderful lady in January.
> Baking cookies, ginger bread houses with the boys and going a little off-roading in the snow with my boys in my Jeep. We will also go tubing soon.
> 
> There is so much to do. There are so many wonderful people out there. You can choose to sit home and be miserable this Christmas or you can chose not to. This is the first year ever that I will not have my boys on Christmas. I decided that since I can't go to the gym, I would make my own memories that I will have for Christmas. So I have been busy enjoying the wonderful company of beautiful women, enjoying the season with my kids and giving back to the community. I took 4 underprivileged boys to a theme park for the day. Giving back to people. Offering yourself and feeling the appreciation that they give you is worth it's weight in gold.
> 
> To everyone here, BS, WS and others, Merry Christmas! I may disagree with many of you but it doesn't mean that I don't value your opinion. For those that I agree with a lot, keep on being right!  May God bless each and everyone of you this season and please remember that though we all have our trials, the end product that you choose to be is what is important.


This guy is awesome.


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## weightlifter

so which girl is the girl in the Jeep?

glad you recovered.


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## MovingAhead

weightlifter said:


> so which girl is the girl in the Jeep?
> 
> glad you recovered.


The girl in the Jeep in my BPD ex girlfriend. She till texts me and depending on what day it is wants to come over. We were together for ~16 months, but it had to end. She was nice and sweet every 5 out of 7 days.

She was very wonderful to my kids but our lives moved in different directions. I wish the best for her.

I have been seeing and dating a lot of women. Nothing serious yet, but I have found a few that I continue to see. I'm not going to get serious until I've dated one of them for at least 6 months.


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## bandit.45

I'm sorry it did not work out with that GF. She is a real cutie. Seemed like you guys were happy. Did you know she had BPD from the beginning?


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## Hardtohandle

Its amazing how your story has some similarities to mine.. 

I guess after a while all these stories end up being the same. 

I'm still in the angry stage but thankfully I have a GF that has been through a divorce and her own issues and just keeps telling me this stage will pass. There will come a time when I won't give a sh1t.. I can not honestly imagine that day. But I carry on as well.

I was fortunate in the sense that my ex completely folded when I found out about the affair. She just wanted out and didn't care about the kids.


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## MovingAhead

bandit.45 said:


> I'm sorry it did not work out with that GF. She is a real cutie. Seemed like you guys were happy. Did you know she had BPD from the beginning?


No I did not. I wrote about it in a fair amount of detail in this thread. The thread took a life of it's own. I hijacked my own thread 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/146010-importance-being-strong.html

It is ok. I learned about her having BPD after dating her for 6 months. I did not throw her away when I found out what the issue was but she made it impossible.

She was very wonderful to my boys but they saw there was no way. They were sad when we split but they knew it had to happen.

I've gone out with about 25 girls since November. There are 3 that I'm 'dating' that I like, i.e. have potential for a long term relationship. I'm not making any promises or commitments for at least 6 months. I dated just to see who I liked or not. Some of them were gorgeous. All of them were pretty but looks fade so I just want pretty enough and I want one I want to be with. 

Some were too pushy. Some had issues they needed to resolve. Some were wanting too much too fast. Some were too easy and I'm just not going down that road, but all of them were very nice. I just did a 'will this go anywhere' test.


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## MovingAhead

Hardtohandle said:


> Its amazing how your story has some similarities to mine..
> 
> I guess after a while all these stories end up being the same.
> 
> I'm still in the angry stage but thankfully I have a GF that has been through a divorce and her own issues and just keeps telling me this stage will pass. There will come a time when I won't give a sh1t.. I can not honestly imagine that day. But I carry on as well.
> 
> I was fortunate in the sense that my ex completely folded when I found out about the affair. She just wanted out and didn't care about the kids.


I have said this before... The plot to all these stories is the same, the setting just changes so slightly. That is why the formula for successful reconciliation is so easy to tell people.


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## bandit.45

Looking at the pic of your exGF you would never guess she had such an overwhelming personality disorder. It must have been a heartbreaker to let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead

Most guys look at someone and think she is really pretty, wow...

I don't look at women like I did when I was in my twenties. I do have to be physically attracted to them. She is a very gorgeous woman true but looks will fade and then what are you left with when she is 60?

She is a very nice lady and has never admitted to having BPD. That is the rub here.

When we met, she was perfect. Everything I ever wanted. She is a wonderful and beautiful girl and her story is a sad sad story. She still texts me often and asks to see me and the boys. I have an odd relationship with her. I tell her she still is my angel which is true, but I have made it clear that I am dating someone. I sent pictures to her of one of the girls ice skating with my boys. I will not go down that road with her but I also will not abandon her. Like I said it is odd, but I don't want her harming herself like Wrathful's wife did.

I'm not sure if she will ever find peace. I hope she does. When my little one had pneumonia, she took care of him, cooked him homemade soup, treated him lovingly. She was an awesome mother figure to my boys when she was ok. I really don't have anything bad to say about her. She just did some things that I can't allow in my life.

It did break my heart to let her go. I wish our story had a happy ending. I hope her story does, but every one has their own cross to bear.

My EX made the mistake of mouthing off to her once. That did not go over well with her. That little woman can curse like a sailor when she gets riled up. My EX was intimidated by her and for good reason. I would have paid money to see my gf tell my EX off.

The funny thing is I always treated my gf with respect. I knew what she was like when she got scared or mad. 

My boys learned well how to treat women. The picked out flowers for her. They cleaned up for her. They would open the door for her, hold her hand when we went somewhere etc... While she has her problems, she was very good for us, and we for her. She was part of my life and will always be if she wants. I just will not be 'involved' with her.

She texts me every day or so and I text her. I do hope she is doing well and I do wish her the best and happiness. I truly hope she finds peace. I ask how she is doing and she misses the boys. To be honest, we miss her too so we shall see.


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## Chaparral

What convinced you she is bpd? There have been a lot of instances here of bpd or at least suspected cases.


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## LongWalk

Your ex gf looks like a woman I made out with one night in college. I wonder if she had issues. She also had that same smile, a nice smile but somewhat forced.

For the sake of your sons, you need to deal with this in a consistent way. Maybe it is possible to be friends with her. To have her as a special family friend who even sees your sons. She could be a god mother. Don't ever sleep with your sons' godmother.


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## MovingAhead

LongWalk said:


> Your ex gf looks like a woman I made out with one night in college. I wonder if she had issues. She also had that same smile, a nice smile but somewhat forced.
> 
> For the sake of your sons, you need to deal with this in a consistent way. Maybe it is possible to be friends with her. To have her as a special family friend who even sees your sons. She could be a god mother. Don't ever sleep with your sons' godmother.


There is NO chance of that happening. I don't see her anymore. She just checks to make sure I am there for her.


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## bandit.45

I never did read that other thread. Is it still around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead

Chaparral said:


> What convinced you she is bpd? There have been a lot of instances here of bpd or at least suspected cases.


I did the research. I did not attribute it to her and say a-ha... There was the honeymoon phase etc...

I could tell you when she was going to have an episode. I don't want to go to much into her story but we went to a psychologist together and yes I am sure she is BPD. She is a very sweet woman...most of the time.


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## MovingAhead

bandit.45 said:


> I never did read that other thread. Is it still around?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is.


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## Rev. Clonn

Awesome story.
It really dose one good to see that fine metal can be made from the heat and pressure God choses to put us through.
Not to sound like a cliché but you sir are an inspiration.


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## vellocet

MovingAhead said:


> I am paying alimony for 3 years...


If it were me, when I hand her that last check, I'd tell her to go f herself. 

She'll crash and burn without that alimony. And even more so when child support is over when the kids are 18.

You are getting screwed now, but she'll be dumpster diving later.


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## MovingAhead

vellocet said:


> If it were me, when I hand her that last check, I'd tell her to go f herself.
> 
> She'll crash and burn without that alimony. And even more so when child support is over when the kids are 18.
> 
> You are getting screwed now, but she'll be dumpster diving later.


I already paid her the last check. I paid her in total this year all that I would ever owe her in alimony to be out from under it forever. I did it instead of buying myself furniture. I was able to sleep much sounder on the floor without alimony.

I did put a nasty-gram memo on the check


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## LongWalk

Now that your sons have experienced two painful separations from important women in their lives, are you worried that any of them may be attracted to dysfunctional women when they grow up in an effort to rectify the failure that their have internalized as their own?

Do you worry that they have lost confidence in women as reliable partners?

Did your ex ever learn of you exGF's BPD?

Great the way you paid off the alimony and ended it. Really bold.


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## MovingAhead

LongWalk said:


> Now that your sons have experienced two painful separations from important women in their lives, are you worried that any of them may be attracted to dysfunctional women when they grow up in an effort to rectify the failure that their have internalized as their own?
> 
> Do you worry that they have lost confidence in women as reliable partners?
> 
> Did your ex ever learn of you exGF's BPD?
> 
> Great the way you paid off the alimony and ended it. Really bold.


To answer your question. I have concerns and I address them with the boys.

However that being said, the divorce far more affected them than my breakup with my EX My oldest has issues with his mom for very good reasons. She divorced me, but she left him out of her life. That is being addressed now in court.

I was with my ex gf for about 3 months longer than I really should have because they saw that I was always there for her until I couldn't be. The lesson I was hoping to teach them is that 'you have to fix yourself.' You can't fix people but you can be for them while they do their work. When the behavior got bad it was time to end it. They understood. There was no abandonment. It was separation for the sake of being healthy.

My EX does know my exgf was BPD, but that is in theory. She doesn't know what to do with that info. She would like to beat me on the head with it but I will not allow that.

I have been seeing a few ladies. My sons have met a couple. We went to Pittsburgh with a lovely lady. We went ice skating together etc... They treat any lady we are with respectfully. I am concerned they may have abandonment issues but that is something I will work on preparing them for. They had it tough but they are doing alright.


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## Deejo

Really liked reading your thread. Don't know how the hell I've missed it over 2 years.

Don't like what happened to you, but as most others here have attested, how you handled things is admirable.

I dated a BPD'er very briefly. I was familiar with the condition from reading on TAM, else I don't think I would have recognized it. Very fast, very hard, and then very, very weird. As you said, knowing that I have small children made the decision for me.

A lot of what you said and experienced, resonated. Only contrast I see, is that I have a wonderful relationship with the mother of my children, my ex-wife. We have both acknowledged that we have grown, and are effectively better people, and better partners than we were six years ago.

But the hurt, financial ruin, debt ... and just picking yourself up and doing what you need to do? Yeah that sure resonates.

Oh ... and the dating and beautiful women. That resonates too.

Wish you continued success and joy on your journey.


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## vellocet

MovingAhead said:


> I already paid her the last check. I paid her in total this year all that I would ever owe her in alimony to be out from under it forever. I did it instead of buying myself furniture. I was able to sleep much sounder on the floor without alimony.
> 
> I did put a nasty-gram memo on the check


Now she has to look for her next victim to trap, cheat on, then get alimony from.


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## over20

illwill said:


> This guy is awesome.


I agree!!


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## 3putt

MovingAhead said:


> I already paid her the last check. I paid her in total this year all that I would ever owe her in alimony to be out from under it forever. I did it instead of buying myself furniture. I was able to sleep much sounder on the floor without alimony.
> 
> I did put a nasty-gram memo on the check


Alright, I've been sitting on this for a month, but I gotta ask now...

Just what did the nasty-gram say?


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## BetrayedDad

MovingAhead said:


> I've gone out with about 25 girls since November. There are 3 that I'm 'dating' that I like, i.e. have potential for a long term relationship. I'm not making any promises or commitments for at least 6 months. I dated just to see who I liked or not. Some of them were gorgeous. All of them were pretty but looks fade so I just want pretty enough and I want one I want to be with.
> 
> Some were too pushy. Some had issues they needed to resolve. Some were wanting too much too fast. Some were too easy and I'm just not going down that road, but all of them were very nice. I just did a 'will this go anywhere' test.


That's fairly impressive.... May I ask specifically how you found all these pretty unattached women to ask out? (ie Dating website, social activities, local watering hole, etc.) Most of the ones I come across always seem to be taken already.


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## MovingAhead

3putt said:


> Alright, I've been sitting on this for a month, but I gotta ask now...
> 
> Just what did the nasty-gram say?


I actually mis-spoke in a way.

On the last alimony check, I put: 'The last alimony I will ever have to pay!!!!!!'

Because of our CS agreement, I pay her a monthly sum and I pay her part of my bonus. I paid $9,000 in bonus CS in November. I think I gave her a hand written note that said something like, 'I wish we would be putting this in the kids college savings fund.'

It wasn't too nasty but I just pointed out that I was tired of carrying her. She just needs a job to pay her bills.


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## 3putt

MovingAhead said:


> I actually mis-spoke in a way.
> 
> On the last alimony check, I put: 'The last alimony I will ever have to pay!!!!!!'
> 
> Because of our CS agreement, I pay her a monthly sum and I pay her part of my bonus. I paid $9,000 in bonus CS in November. I think I gave her a hand written note that said something like, 'I wish we would be putting this in the kids college savings fund.'
> 
> It wasn't too nasty but I just pointed out that I was tired of carrying her. She just needs a job to pay her bills.


You were far more charitable than I would've been with the nasty-gram.

But I do like the high road approach, even though I wouldn't have taken it myself. You're bigger than me. 

Salute.


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## MovingAhead

BetrayedDad said:


> That's fairly impressive.... May I ask specifically how you found all these pretty unattached women to ask out? (ie Dating website, social activities, local watering hole, etc.) Most of the ones I come across always seem to be taken already.


On line dating... It was actually nice and a pain. It was almost like a job. They were all very nice. I always had a nice time.

I have no expectations when I go on a date so it makes it easy. I never try to force the wrong puzzle piece in. She has to have what I want in a woman, and I have to have what she wants in a man. If not, I still enjoy the evening. 

The ones who just want to have fun and travel and drink, for me I pass on them. 

My friend tells me about these meet ups. Free on line dating. He has had success. I work in a field dominated by men. I don't run across many women so... Now that school and sports are back to full swing, it's time to focus back on that. I still have a few I like.

We shall see. I was always actually very shy. Now I just don't care. There are a lot of great women out there. Get started and go meet a few


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