# I want to prove he can trust me



## IMessedUpButLoveHim

Hi,

I have a long story, but I'll try to keep it short as possible. I met my husband while I was with another man. I was with the previous guy since high school and truly lost love feelings for him, but I had a hard time leaving him because I felt bad for him. I knew he was suicidal at one point and that made it hard. Eventually I finally did leave him, but I was already having sex with who is now my husband. My husband knew about the other guy too. Anywho, while I was with my new man (my now husband), we were not truly dating. We just had more of a friends with benefits relationship, but I really did love him already. He seemed like he really didn't want a relationship with me and I felt like he pushed me away quite a bit. Well, I was worried about completely losing a chance with him so I asked if he could tell me if he ever slept with another girl. He never got with another girl, was only flirtatious (slapping butts and flirty talk). I felt rather rejected , but I shouldn't have since we weren't dating. Anywho, I went out to my friend's house and we had some drinks. I got drunk and ended up having sex with my friend's boyfriend. I have blackout moments of the event and don't remember everything to detail. I just know for sure that we did end up having sex and I remember saying no to some things and don't really know who asked to have the sex. Another moment that happened a while later was that I met a cute guy at my work. I thought he was cute and had an infatuation with him. I flirted really hard with him over the internet and texting. I said things to him that I could never say in person. I did meet up with the guy a few times, but nothing happened in those times. Pretty much stupid small talk. The last time we met up, he came to my and my now husbands house (we weren't married or truly dating yet...cheating isn't the problem, it's the lying) and he brought wine and a movie. We watched the movie and drank wine and I did get tipsy. I don't remember how it exactly started, but I did give him a blow job. I flirted with him more online, but eventually I just wanted to end it. I really didn't want him and I was leading this guy on. So, I told him that nothing was going to happen between us and apologized to him. Well a little while later, I got pregnant with my now husband. He kept asking me about the incidents between these other guys because he had an inkling that something happened. I kept lying to him and told him nothing happened. This went on for a long time. Then with the BJ guy incident, I said that the guy forced it on, but that wasn't really true either. I honestly don't know how it happened, so it may as well be me that did it. I went along with it with no problem and flirted hardcore with the guy, so it is my fault it happened. Honestly throughout these incidents, I really wanted to just be with and love my now husband. I was being stupid and thoughtless back then. Well, he still got on me about asking about the other guy (my friend's boyfriend). I kept lying and I seriously didn't have much memory of it. We got married and I even vowed to not lie to him. I still never truthfully told him about the other guy. Now after a year of being married, he threatened to give me a polygraph, so I started telling him what I could remember as fast as I could. It wasn't much and I said things the wrong way that came out bad. I told him that I said no to the guy many times, but when I thought harder, I only remember saying no to a BJ and anal. I don't know what I said to sex or if I was the one who asked for sex. I still don't know. Now that I confessed everything, he still believes I'm lying about the details of the situation. He wants to know as much details as possible and I just can't find them. He even confronted the guy to get his side of the story and that guy said things I don't remember happening or how they happened! It's really frustrating for me and I know it is for my husband too. I want to give him all I can, but I just don't have the memory of it clear enough. He feels he can never trust me since I lied for so long and even through a vow. He also thinks I am still a bad person for the act that I did with my friend's bf. I really never would have had sex with him if I was in a sober state. I never was attracted to the guy. I also would never do that to a friend in the right state of mind. He thinks even with me being drunk, I should have known what I was doing and wouldn't have done it if I was a good person. So now I have the broken trust and him thinking I'm a horrible bad person. I love him so much; he and my kids are all that are in my heart. I have no desire to be with another man at all. I'm willing to go through counseling, he isn't, and I want to do all that I can to prove to him that I am now a good person and that he can rebuild his trust for me and that I do care for him and love him. He wants a divorce or annulment and doesn't think he can ever get passed it. He believes I committed a fraud to him for pretending to be a good person and lying to him. He is not the bad person and I don't want him perceived that way. I am the one who wronged him and I'm just looking for advice and hope.

*EDIT*
I have apologized and broke out crying due to frustration and hate on myself for letting this happen and lie for so long, so believe me that I do have remorse. I feel guilty for the events and I understand for my husband to be so upset and angry with me. 

Thanks for listening


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## Dewayne76

If this is a real post, let me first start by saying, please break up your story. Walls of text are hard to read. 

Second, I think you need to work on yourself first and foremost. If you can afford it, I'd say you guys need counseling before this gets worse. Do I think he should leave you? well I don't know. That's really his call and no one else to say anything otherwise. But I wouldn't. I would give you a chance> Becuase if I married you, I owe it to you to show some forgiveness. 

But this forgiveness wouldn't come cheap by any means! You need to get some books. Search online. There's a ... well section of something I found one time I can't remember what it was or where it's at (not at THAT computer at this time) but it went on and on about HOW to show love and compassion to your betrayed spouse in this situation. It talked about how you should be completely transparent and understanding. Show your love, show your dedication and calmly express how you feel and what you would do to earn his trust again. 

Yall have a huge road ahead. I'm not gonna lie. But I honestly think IF YOU CAN STOP YOUR B/S ANTICS... and show him you really love him and CAN be trusted, and if both can get some good counseling, you should pull through this. I say that about your antics, because me? I think some of that is low. But I've never been a "dirty" one. I don't know all the details but to me, it comes off as being selfish and uncontrolling of your behavior. My point is, I personally fear, that you'll eventually DO SOMETHING terrible (cheat, affair etc) if you don't get this behavior under control. The lying has to stop and you have to make changes in yourself, like NOT drinking so much anymore to prevent such events happening in the future. 

Good luck to you. 

Get him to this site, yall both check out the infidelity section. There's a lot to be learned about gaining and rebuilding trust in there. Some do's and don'ts etc.


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## Dewayne76

Ohh, btw, I'm kinda down atm and if I came across hostile I apologize. If I took some of your sitch wrong, I apologize. But I do see that lying is a big part and you should probably treat this AS infidelity. Why? Because if you do, and you take all necessary precautions, you SHOULD be stronger out of this. Go all out, put WW2 to shame with the fighting skills proving you'll fight very hard for your marriage.


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## IMessedUpButLoveHim

Thank you, Dewayne. Sorry for the huge block of text, just trying to spill my heart out as fast as I could. 

I already don't really drink anymore unless I'm with my H, which when I do drink with him it's not very much. Plus, I don't drink when pregnant and I am right now. I am very willing to do counseling and fight for our marriage. I know he won't do counseling and he believes it won't help. He thinks only a time machine will help. 

He's giving me time (I only have 3 days left), but the time is to figure out more details of the past incidents, which I honestly can't remember. I feel I've searched so hard, that I'm never going to remember them if I haven't thought of them by now. I feel if I can't remember them, then he's gone. I want him to give me time to prove to him that I do really love and care for him and that I'm improving myself for him, the kids, and me. I'm thinking he's going through to give me a polygraph, but I'm so scared that it's going to say I'm lying when I'm giving the honest truth because I'm so freaked out. It just seems that would be my luck because of the karma I brought on with this lying.

Thank you for the advice and I'll just have to take it one day at a time and figure out how to show him he can believe in me to improve myself.


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## Jasel

I'd recommend you get some individual counseling for yourself regardless of whether you see a marriage counselor or not. Trust is either earned or given until it's broken. It also comes with time. You can't "prove" you're trusthworthy just by being honest after you've been caught repeatedly lying. I'd also recommend you stop drinking period once your pregnancy is over. Honestly it will probably just depend on how sincere you seem to your husband and how forgiving he is. I really don't know too many guys who would stick around after all that but he is trapped with the kid so you might have a shot. Good luck.

Also helps when you break long writings into paragraphs. Makes it easier to read.


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## mupostori

I just have one question for your husband.What would he have done If you had told him the truth back then? 

Seems like this Guy never wanted a relationship with you ,just wanted to use for sex (which is very bad) now pregnancy put him in a trap.You played him at his game very well (a very bad game)

As for him staying or going ,he should only stay if he loves you,otherwise what is the point of staying with someone who doesn't love you.


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## kandlestick

This sounds like the old saying the you want your cake and eat it too. You didn't want to lose him but did whatever you wanted. This is bad! It sounds like you do care about your husband but this is the worst of positions. 

I agree with the first two posters, but mupo I honestly don't know where you are coming from at all. Trust is tough one to get. You personally need counseling and prayer as it may take a miracle for a positive outcome on this situation. 

I wish you the best but lying and sleeping with your friends bf are pretty low. words of advice next time (if there is a next time) tell the truth. I agree with Jasel I don't know too many guys who would stick through this. He must love the children is the only thing I can think of. It will be hard but I wish you all the luck in the world.


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## hibiscus

If I read your post correctly, these incidents happened before your relationship was official

You also said that you were more friends with benefits when you were with these other men. That your now H didnt want a relationship...

Was that clear at that time? Did you and him know that you were not dating together? If thats the case then he really has no right to penalise you for it. He didnt want a relationship from you, just sex. So he has no right to make you feel guilty for sleeping with other men


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## kandlestick

hibiscus said:


> If I read your post correctly, these incidents happened before your relationship was official
> 
> You also said that you were more friends with benefits when you were with these other men. That your now H didnt want a relationship...
> 
> Was that clear at that time? Did you and him know that you were not dating together? If thats the case then he really has no right to penalise you for it. He didnt want a relationship from you, just sex. So he has no right to make you feel guilty for sleeping with other men


It seems the problem is with the lying not the sleeping with other men. it says she asked him not to do anything with other girls but she was doing stuff with 2 other people then when asked lied about it. I see why the trust issue is here. Not sure if I am reading this right but seems pretty straight forward.


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## IMessedUpButLoveHim

I just wanted to update and say that since I told him everything, he was punishing me by giving me such a hard time. Of course, he was really angry though too. We are still together and happily together. We have a trip with our kids set and plan on having a great time.  

I have absolutely no intention to ever cheat on my husband. I love him very much, just had a hard time admitting my flings to him because I felt embarrassed over the stupid situations. I'm also not an alcoholic, and if I drink; it's only one drink with my hubby. Which I have drank about 3 times since we've been married and one time was at home with just him and the others were at restaurants while with my hubby. I didn't even drink on our wedding day/night. I didn't want you guys thinking I'm an alcoholic at all. Sorry if I made that impression. 

Thanks everyone for your advice. (Also, now he wants to be a swinger..... :/ which I'm not sure about. I don't want to sleep with other people....but that's for another forum!)


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## hibiscus

If you are not sure then dont swing!


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## kandlestick

hibiscus is right. Sounds like you have the problem with being faithful. Are you capable of not getting overly involved with another partner? If you think you can, it sounds like this would be good situation for you. What I mean is you can have your fun with other guys and your spouse already would be aware. Interesting idea, is he doing this for you or for himself?


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