# D-day 3!



## dingerdad

I haven't been on here in awhile but you can read my story in previous threads. D-day 3 was last night. I received a phone call and a email from OMW. My STBXW admitted they had been talking again and she was in love with him. I seem to be ok with the marriage ending at this point but am devastated for my 6 yr old girl and 4 yr old son. Looking like I'll be staying with them in the home for now so that's something I can take comfort in...I was a big believer in R but now I don't know if happiness in a marriage is ever really possible after an affair. If anyone has advice on moving forward with a divorce please PM me as my STBXW (Allybabe_18) is a member on this forum.


----------



## strugglinghusband

Damn it, I'm so sorry dinger....


----------



## StandingInQuicksand

I'm so sorry to hear this. The pain of R for this type of result is one my biggest fears.


----------



## morituri

First off, let me say how sorry I am to hear this sad update. It seemed that Allybabe_18 was doing everything right but her yielding to temptation was her undoing. It put her back into the fog she was in during the affair.

Since you are outside the US, I would suggest that you contact a divorce attorney and ask about the possibility of mediation as a way to avoid an acrimonious divorce. Your and your STBXW need to be partners in your children's upbringing and that requires the ability to put aside your feelings and concentrate on the well being of the children.

As a divorce survivor I will tell you that there is life after divorce and many times, a much better one than the one left behind.


----------



## Almostrecovered

I wonder if she used this forum to keep you happy enough while keeping her affair underground, ouch


----------



## lamaga

Really sorry, Dinger. I know I'm not the only one here sending you lots of strength and support.


----------



## TBT

Sorry to see this dingerdad and allybabe I guess you were just going through the motions.Sad.


----------



## mahike

StandingInQuicksand said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this. The pain of R for this type of result is one my biggest fears.


One of my fears as well. Sorry to hear about this


----------



## anonymouskitty

At the end of it all, you can look back and proudly say that "I gave it my all". take comfort in that (I know, sucks but atleast the kids are gonna end up with you)


----------



## pidge70

I'm so sorry dinger....(((HUGS)))


----------



## highwood

Sorry about this....how selfish of her to do this to her children.


----------



## morituri

What makes Ally believe that the OM isn't going to do the same thing to her when the novelty of her wears off and there is another attractive woman, without kids, giving him the green light that she wants him? But I guess she's going to have to find that out firsthand, won't she?


----------



## snap

Almostrecovered said:


> I wonder if she used this forum to keep you happy enough while keeping her affair underground, ouch


It's not the first time we see that happen here.


----------



## wiigirl

anonymouskitty said:


> At the end of it all, you can look back and proudly say that "I gave it my all". take comfort in that (I know, sucks but atleast the kids are gonna end up with you)


I am so sorry....but atleast you can hold your head high...and that isnt nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

Sorry, Dingerdad. It would seem that R-Day would be enough on the heart, after D-Day, but dang, the third. What are some spouses doing to the ones that are so 'dearly loved' but there just doesn't seem to be a good awnser for all of this. My hope is this can all pass quickly and you and your children can get past this without too much more heartache!

How much heartache can one heart take?
My heart goes out to you and yours!


----------



## dingerdad

Is does not really hurt that bad right now. Maybe a person does get used to this sort of thing. I don't care about the detail of the affair and how long it has been going on again. I just want her gone.


----------



## anonymouskitty

You're becoming detached, this is the best sign that you're moving on, good on ya mate. Be done with it and go on and have a better life


----------



## jh52

Dinger I am fairly new here and want to say sorry man.

Having read your threads and you exw threads as well -- I detected that she never ever came back to your marriage 
100% like you see in other folks in R.

People are only as good as the words they speak ---words are what people live by -- and she has proved to you once again that her words don't mean a thing to you or your children.

Wishing you the best.


----------



## Complexity

Dinger, I just remembered your story, I'm so sorry man. I don't know what to say other than you tried to best to keep your family together and they'll grow up knowing you did. 

The best of luck to you.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Well they all seem remorseful on face value

But some people never understand that you can't hunt with the dogs and run with the hare forever


----------



## snap

JB100 said:


> They had a 10 month EA and one night of PA before DDAY 1? And then she tried to reconcile (R) for a year but then what happened?


What happened is she never tried to reconcile.



> She seemed so sincere....


She had a lot of practice with that.


----------



## lordmayhem

anonymouskitty said:


> Well they all seem remorseful on face value
> 
> But some people never understand that you can't hunt with the dogs and run with the hare forever


:iagree:

She SEEMED remorseful, but that's all it was: an act.

From her post on 02-10-2012, 01:28 PM:



Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you Morituri.
> I often question if I post on here will things get completely twisted or taken out of context by others that may not have had the opportunity to actually understand that some of us DS actually do realize what we have done so wrong, know how we have hurt others & now genuinely want to do anything we possibly can to try heal what we can't take back. True remorse on here maybe fewer between than bitter betrayed spouses are but we do still exist. And we keep coming back, taking the shots from some & learning allot from others. If anyone posts to me, as some on this thread have & it makes them feel the slightest bit better off for it, then have atter! For those who have helped me I am thankful & if I can do the same in return then my intentions are being achieved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The lesson here is words mean nothing without the actions to back it up. Her words were certainly convincing, but she's used to lying to dingerdad, how much more to people here on the forum? She could have just been getting info on this forum to try and take the affair deeper underground. Thank goodness there was another pair of eyes on the APs: the OMW. 

This is yet another example of why exposure is a good thing.

So sorry you've been in False R dingerdad. You gave her the precious gift of R and she stomped on it.


----------



## anonymouskitty

IKR? If you truly want to see remorse, you need to closely observe their behaviour, even so its hard and this is one of the reasons why recovery is a pain


----------



## kindi

I read the back posts.

Your wife was never into reconciliation, some smart posters questioned her on the very first thread she started on this site!

Lesson learned, when you're dealing with a cheater, ignore what they say and what they write, and watch what they DO.

Also not a good idea to share a forum like this with a significant other especially a deceptive cheater such as your soon to be exwife. She logs in here constantly and you can no longer get good useful tactical advice, at least not on the open boards because she can and will use whatever she can against you to gain an edge in the divorce that is upcoming.



lordmayhem said:


> This is yet another example of why exposure is a good thing.


How does this situation prove that exposure is a good thing?

Generally speaking exposure causes more problems not less.


----------



## KanDo

I know it is tough and I am sorry it came to this; but, I am happy you know the truth and are beginning to move. on. Good lick. It WILL be better.


----------



## warlock07

I even remember her posts about fending off one more potential OM who was fishing her(Am I right?) What a flipflop you wife is!!! How long did it take for her to resume the affair? (Assuming she stopped atleast for a while). Did they resume the physical affair too?

If the OM sees her posts here about you, her affair and the OM, he would dump her too. Such fickle minded person your life is. She is jumping between men . I'll bet that OM wouldn't last long either.(Maybe she will try harder for the relationship with the OM since she will have prove their love is true).

Edit: her post 



> I am wondering how other ws deal when triggers happen? I see 1st hand how many triggers a bs deals with but sometimes their triggers are ours as well.
> For example, i have committed to my H that i will not break NC and i know it is hard for him everyday wondering if i will hold up to that. My AP was fishing ystrdy, i recieved a blank text from a number i hadnt seen before, i immediately told my H & we figured out that it was indeed my AP. So my H sent an email to the OMW telling her what had happened.
> OK. So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it, if he is in crap for it, if they are even still together, if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest, that he is getting the msg that contacting me is unacceptable?
> I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact or still have feelings for him. He has every reason to not believe me because after dday1 we did stay in contact just went underground. I once randomly showed my H a text from the OM & played dumb as to hide the continued A from him. ***That is NOT the case now***
> I have not & will not break NC. I think I am super analysing his actions & what they may do to him because I am very angry at him for his part in crushing my marriage, not because I still care positively about him. But the latter is prob what my H thinks though. I really feel like i cannot just ignore my thoughts cuz I want to learn how to break them because I want to give not 1 minute more of my life to that man.
> i guess my question really is Other DLS, how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts? Or not let those joint triggers effect you? Or how can my H & I work through these together?
> Share
> |


This post is so full of sh!t!!

Her last login is 6/25/12. So she is checking stuff out here.


----------



## jh52

Like Dinger said -- folks can still PM him with thoughts, ideas, suggestions, and support.

He can also read alot on these forums.


----------



## Gabriel

Not to sound selfish here, but this scares the living stuff out of me. I went back and re-remembered this story/thread and Ally was really convincing - said she had NO interest in the OM anymore, etc. 

My goodness. Given all of that, this could happen to any of us.

So sorry dinger. Going back to this was a blast from the past and it sucks she was lying the whole time. I am shuddering right now.


----------



## kindi

Why is it any great surprise that someone who cheats on their spouse is a liar?

How does the saying go..."How do you know a cheater is lying?"

Answer- "Their lips are moving and words are coming out of their mouths" or perhaps, more appropriately, "They are posting on an internet forum".


----------



## snap

Gabriel said:


> My goodness. Given all of that, this could happen to any of us.


This is likely happening to some of us here right as we speak. That's why I avoid referring my wife as fWW, 6 months into R.


----------



## lordmayhem

kindi said:


> How does this situation prove that exposure is a good thing?
> 
> Generally speaking exposure causes more problems not less.


Who notified dingerdad that his WW was still in contact with the OM? It was the OMW, that's who. That's why there were two eyes on the affair, not just dingerdad's. Generally speaking exposure is good for killing affair and/or ensuring NC. Without the warning from OMW, dingerdad wouldn't have known his WW was still cheating on him and he'd still be living in False R.


----------



## sharkeey

lordmayhem said:


> Who notified dingerdad that his WW was still in contact with the OM? It was the OMW, that's who. That's why there were two eyes on the affair, not just dingerdad's. Generally speaking exposure is good for killing affair and/or ensuring NC. Without the warning from OMW, dingerdad wouldn't have known his WW was still cheating on him and he'd still be living in False R.


That's not really exposure because the affair was no secret at that point.

That's more like 'keeping tabs on things afterwards'.


----------



## lordmayhem

warlock07 said:


> Her last login is 6/25/12. So she is checking stuff out here.


If she is, then she has absolutely no conscience at all, knowing full well that she's still in the affair and continuing to betray dingerdad. She's sociopathic I think. Probably having a good laugh at all the BSs here.


----------



## warlock07

morituri said:


> What makes Ally believe that the OM isn't going to do the same thing to her when the novelty of her wears off and there is another attractive woman, without kids, giving him the green light that she wants him? But I guess she's going to have to find that out firsthand, won't she?


Actually the OM is a spineless b!tch. He was asking to get back with Allybabe 2 weeks into his marriage or something like that


----------



## Gabriel

snap said:


> This is likely happening to some of us here right as we speak. That's why I avoid referring my wife as fWW, 6 months into R.


I just refer to her as my W. It will take years to get the fWW label.


----------



## lordmayhem

sharkeey said:


> That's not really exposure because the affair was no secret at that point.
> 
> That's more like 'keeping tabs on things afterwards'.


dingerdad exposed the affair to the OMW way back. How else was the OMW able to keep tabs on her BH if someone didn't tell her about it.


----------



## dingerdad

I got my wife to come to this forum because I thought it would help her understand how devastating infidelity is to everyone involved. Didn't work I guess. R not working I not all her fault. I carried a lot of hurt and anger from the affair and wasnt even close to trusting her again or giving her the marriage she wanted. 
I did say a million times though that if she ever thought she didn't want to be with me or go through this than she should leave and I could live with that. Why she had to cheat, wait for me to find out AGAIN and then tell me she loves him I will never understand. Act of a cruel selfish person. 
I have talked to OMW and recommended this forum to her. She needs it bad. She still wants to wait for the OM after 3 ddays with my wife and who knows how many others with other women.


----------



## dingerdad

I don't know details about current affair. If it ever stopped, if they had sex, etc. Once I read the email the OMW sent me I was done. Do not care to know. Dday 1 apr 2011, dday 2 oct 2011, dday 3 yesterday. Who knows when it stopped, started, etc.


----------



## dingerdad

On a side note. Having a great day camping with family and friends.


----------



## jh52

I read somewhere that when this scenario happens -- your exw just went from mistress/OW to being in a relationship/marriage with OM and thus created a job opening for OM -- he will now look for a new mistress/OW.

Sounds like two people who cheated mutiple times -- and will continue cheating -- but now on each other.


----------



## dingerdad

Somebody asked how old we are. I'm 33, Allybabe is 30, kids 6 and 4


----------



## snap

dingerdad said:


> R not working I not all her fault. I carried a lot of hurt and anger from the affair and wasnt even close to trusting her again or giving her the marriage she wanted.


Yeah, and she really proven you wrong?

Don't be too hard on yourself.


----------



## jh52

"I got my wife to come to this forum because I thought it would help her understand how devastating infidelity is to everyone involved. Didn't work I guess. R not working I not all her fault. I carried a lot of hurt and anger from the affair and wasnt even close to trusting her again or giving her the marriage she wanted."

Maybe it was because she wasn't into the marriage -- and she obviously wasn't giving 100% -- so don't you dare blame yourself.

Your gut and heart told you something was not right -- thus you never trusted her again -- and with good reason.

Maybe in a sense this was a good thing -- because your heart will not be as broken -- if that makes sense.

I feel bad for your kids -- you need to be strong for yourself and them now more than ever.

Question -- is she wanting to see the kids -- or is she leaving them behind as well?


----------



## 2xloser

I am shaking with anger and frustration and plain old hurt for you, dinger. Many of us were fooled, but nobody can be hurting like you are. Wishing there was a way to help you from afar (If there is, pm away! as I am going through the S/D process with a 7 yr old in the equation.) Good luck to you, sir. You WILL get through this.


----------



## dingerdad

She still wants the kids. Once she gets a place and figures her new life and relationship out we'll work out a schedule.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> I got my wife to come to this forum because I thought it would help her understand how devastating infidelity is to everyone involved. Didn't work I guess. R not working I not all her fault. I carried a lot of hurt and anger from the affair and wasnt even close to trusting her again or giving her the marriage she wanted.
> I did say a million times though that if she ever thought she didn't want to be with me or go through this than she should leave and I could live with that. Why she had to cheat, wait for me to find out AGAIN and then tell me she loves him I will never understand. Act of a cruel selfish person.
> I have talked to OMW and recommended this forum to her. She needs it bad. She still wants to wait for the OM after 3 ddays with my wife and who knows how many others with other women.


Yes, hopefully she'll come to this forum and get the help she needs.


----------



## Acabado

I'm very sorry man.
What a shame.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

kindi said:


> I read the back posts.
> 
> How does this situation prove that exposure is a good thing?
> 
> *Generally speaking exposure causes more problems not less*.


Your sources for this statement please.


----------



## bandit.45

So sorry Dingerdad. Your wife is not salvageable.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

sharkeey said:


> That's not really exposure because the affair was no secret at that point.
> 
> That's more like 'keeping tabs on things afterwards'.


Umm, I think the OMW exposed the previously unknown underground affair to Dingerdad.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

We cannot change her fate, its her fate to live the life of a ...............


----------



## anonymouskitty

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


----------



## dingerdad

I really wish I would never have told my STBXW about this forum. I really could use it right now. 3 days past dday 3 and reality sinking in. So many mixed feelings. You all know what it's like.


----------



## warlock07

She is logged in right now.


----------



## dingerdad

That sucks. PM me people. Friends that haven't been through this just don't understand.


----------



## TBT

dinger,I guess the upside is that eventually you'll be able to move on and someday meet someone worth your trust.Your WW and OM,even if they stay together,and that's a big if considering the stats I've often seen cited,will be in a relationship tainted by their deceit.


----------



## Acabado

> She is logged in right now.


Good Lord. I can't imagine what's the point. Does she believes he's going to write here sensible info?


----------



## morituri

If she is in love with the OM, then :wtf: is she doing here?


----------



## Machiavelli

Acabado said:


> Good Lord. I can't imagine what's the point. Does she believes he's going to write here sensible info?


She thinks we're going to hash out the battle plan right here for her to read and forward on to her attorney.


----------



## morituri

Machiavelli said:


> She thinks we're going to hash out the battle plan right here for her to read and forward on to her attorney.


Though it would be very Machiavellian, I doubt that expressing one's thoughts and feelings here on a public forum would be of any legal advantage to her considering that what she did is far worse than anything he has posted here.


----------



## iheartlife

dingerdad, just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. What she did was lower than low, paying lip service to remorse but in the end unable to come clean and just STOP LYING to you. 

Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Paulination

dingerdad said:


> If anyone has advice on moving forward with a divorce please PM me as my STBXW (Allybabe_18) is a member on this forum.


I may just be different but I had no problem moving on after D Day #2 (first marriage). My first wife cheated on me and I reconciled with her to keep the family intact. A couple of years later we were having problems and everytime we fought she would say "get out". So this one night I decided to call her bluff and left to a friends house. I stayed there for two weeks and finally called her and told her that I wanted our marriage to work but in order to do so, I needed to be in the house. She said great but first I've got to tell you something, I slept with XXXXX while you were gone.

My next move became crystal clear, I was never going back. It hurt but it wasn't because of the end of the marriage, it was because of the ending of a family especially with the kids. But I realized I had alot of control in that department so I focused on that.

That night I got drunk with my friend, listened to alot of Depeche Mode and began the rest of my life. Wierd thing is, it is actually one of my finest memories. You can do this.


----------



## Acabado

I got it. Maybe she's deleting her old posts, in case OM stumbles upon them!


----------



## bandit.45

I hope she reads this: Alleybabe, I really pity the future you have chosen for yourself. You have lied to your husband, lied to us here on TAM and ultimately you are lying to yourself if you actually think you have a future with the scum you are cheating with. Its probably too much to hope you have a shred of integrity, but I would hope you are going to be kind to your husband in the pending divorce. You owe him something for the hell you have put him through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

bandit.45 said:


> Alleybabe
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup:


----------



## jh52

Acabado said:


> I got it. Maybe she's deleting her old posts, in case OM stumbles upon them!


Just did an advanced search on userid -- there is no all alleybabe listed any longer.

I would still PM Dinger -- as she or OM can always create a new id and start some bullsh**.

Just an FYI here folks !!


----------



## EI

This is just all so sad. What separates those who make it from those who don't? I want to make it. Does anyone ever truly recover and survive and thrive and live happily ever after?


----------



## lascarx

Empty Inside said:


> Does anyone ever truly recover and survive and thrive and live happily ever after?


Sure you can.

But you do it alone. Doesn't matter if you rip up the marriage license or not, from what I've seen, once the bond is broken, you live the rest of your allotted time out in your own space and you keep your eyes open.

It's a hard lesson learning that life is about keeping your thumb on everything, but once you've learned it, you live happily ever after as long as you keep that thumb pressed down. You depend on yourself only, doubt leaves you and all is well.


----------



## lordmayhem

jh52 said:


> Just did an advanced search on userid -- there is no all alleybabe listed any longer.


She's still listed. It's Allybabe_18.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Doesn't appear to be much difference between Allybabe and an 'alley babe'.


----------



## Beowulf

Empty Inside said:


> This is just all so sad. What separates those who make it from those who don't? I want to make it. Does anyone ever truly recover and survive and thrive and live happily ever after?


Yes it can be done but it takes work and commitment. Ironically it takes the same level of commitment that is promised on the wedding day but rarely is maintained. My wife Morrigan had an affair a long time ago. We reconciled and continue to work at our marriage each and every day. We still have complete transparency because there is no privacy in a marriage. We spend a lot of time together. We work to find ways to keep things fresh and actively and consciously look for ways to make each other happy. On July 4th it will be 30 years from the day I proposed. We are going to renew our wedding vows.


----------



## jh52

lordmayhem said:


> She's still listed. It's Allybabe_18.


Thanks Lord -- I searched alleybabe !!


----------



## Acabado

> This is just all so sad. What separates those who make it from those who don't?


First you has to separate reconciliation (mariage stuff) with recovery (personal stuff). In their case WW is not only in luuurv with MOM, but persuing him, which implicitly tell us she never "got it". She was just paying lip service. She never was genuine despite the words she wrote here.
Let's say she really went NC and tried hard to reconcile but finnaly coulnd't, maybe becuase BH was too hurt and couln't let her back in or maybe she was too detached and never found out her way back to fall in love with her husband; the obvious right thing to do was to tell the truth and proceed with the most amicable divorce. Both trying to mourn the loss and showing empathy. She always would be proud of her effort, she learned her lesson, she's more healthy and ready for a new beginning. She's still a Former WW, not an actual one.
Remorse is two fold; one is related to empathy towards the betrayed spouse and making amends, the other is totaly self focused; the rejection of your own actions, the cheating itself, the lies, the lack of self respect, regreting the abandonment of personal values. It's even more important because there're marriages that are not worth the effort to rebuild. She never did the second part so she was in the front row of the false R. The marriage never had a real chance to begin with because she never was remorseful.
So that's what we have here, she not only destroyed her marriage but is in the path of wrecking another one home. Too many innocent in the cross fire.Disgusting.


----------



## bandit.45

Empty Inside said:


> This is just all so sad. What separates those who make it from those who don't? I want to make it. Does anyone ever truly recover and survive and thrive and live happily ever after?


Yes thay can and do EI. But Allybabe_18 was never authentic. There was something definitely narcissistic about her. 

I think you are authentic EI, even though you did not come across that way at first. 

Just don't make fools of us and turn around and be another Allybabe!


----------



## Catherine602

OM will probably go back to his wife. If he cheated multiple times and she is in the habit of taking him back. The main relationship for him is with his wife and the OW's are just [email protected] buddies. 

She may love him but OM is just using her for fun until he goes back to the wife. Can't understand why a woman would give up two small children and a good man to let herself be used by a dirtbag. Oh well, many foolish women in the would I guess. 

She will probably come crawling back to you when this POS dumps her. I hope you will be in a relationship with a woman of character and quality who recognizes a good man when she sees one.


----------



## jh52

Catherine602 said:


> OM will probably go back to his wife. If he cheated multiple times and she is in the habit of taking him back. The main relationship for him is with his wife and the OW's are just [email protected] buddies.
> 
> She may love him but he is just using her for fun until he goes back to the wife. Can't understand why a woman would give up two small children and a good man to let herself be used by a dirtbag. Oh well, many foolish women in the would I guess.
> 
> She will probably come crawling back to you when this POS dumps her. I hope you will be in a relationship with a woman of character and quality who recognizes a good man when she sees one.


I agree with everything you said here.

But Dinger has to move on -- and never ever take back his exw. 

3 times -- with the same guy is something he will never forget. 

He will always be her backup plan -- as his exw has proven this over and over and over again.

I hope this guy is worth it and special because she just destroyed her family for the last and final time.

My guess he isn't so worth it and special -- and she will have to find that on her own when he bangs his new mistress.


----------



## Catherine602

JH the only thing the OP needs is reassurance that his wife is not the last woman in his life and she is not the best. He needs to know that the unfortunate end of his marriage is a very traumatic event but he will recover. 

He should read some posts from men who have divorced and have successfully reconnected with seemingly wonderful women. A lot of them (the men) hang out in the Men Clubhouse. 

He is not ready to think about that now. He just needs to maintain faith through this painful stage and know that he will come out whole and find love.


----------



## bandit.45

There is life after a cheating wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Dinger, this is a horrible story of multiple betrayal by your wife.

I hope you keep the children. Because your WW will make a truly dreadful role model for them.

The least contact they have with her, the better, to be frank.


----------



## bandit.45

If she is this treacherous in her cheating, just think what she will be like in the courtroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> Yes thay can and do EI. But Allybabe_18 was never authentic. There was something definitely narcissistic about her.


I've been away for a few months but I do agree with you Bandit. I recall finding her somewhat combative and her "genuine admiration and love" for her husband seemed to be a bit disingenuous. I'm truly sorry Dinger that you have to go through this but hopefully you are more prepared this time around than before. You're a good man and she's a damned fool.


----------



## happyman64

DInger

I am very sorry to hear about your pending divorce.

And I am saddened to hear that your wife did not have the courage to be honest with you again.

You know what you have to do now. 

And please remember when she finally sees what color the grass really is on the other side just smile to yourself and turn to the new woman in your life and say I am so glad my exwife was so stupid or I would never have ever met you.

I was in your shoes many years ago and I thank God my ex was so da*m dum and deceitful. Because God delivered me an Angel.

Your good times are coming Dinger!

Hm64


----------



## EI

bandit.45 said:


> Yes thay can and do EI. But Allybabe_18 was never authentic. There was something definitely narcissistic about her.
> 
> I think you are authentic EI, even though you did not come across that way at first.
> 
> Just don't make fools of us and turn around and be another Allybabe!



When I first posted our story it was just a week or so after D-Day. As the WS I knew that I would not receive a friendly reception and, truthfully, that isn't what I was looking for. I was looking for honesty. What I knew on an intellectual level and what I was feeling in my fog induced heart were two different things. I didn't have any idea that my H would literally stumble across my thread and that our story would play out right here in front of you guys. But, that has been very therapeutic. I'm sure that I didn't come across as authentic, at first, because at the time, I didn't have any idea of what I really wanted. H and I are learning, growing and evolving everyday. I couldn't have anticipated my H's response to this situation..... he definitely didn't go 180 on me, but I wasn't continuing the A so, maybe that wasn't necessary. He didn't pack up my $hit and throw me out on the driveway (as some of you suggested) and have me served. He responded with the love, compassion, mercy, empathy and nurturing that had been absent from our relationship for so many years. In the first few days after D-Day, I was the typical P'd off wife who was just sorry that I had been caught. Then, I began to see the depth of the pain that all of my loved ones were going through and my heart began to break. I felt so sorry for the hurt that I had inflicted upon my H and family. Then my H began to change in ways that no one could have anticipated (you all have read this as it has played out.) I felt so sad that he couldn't have "awakened" sooner. I remember thinking what an amazing man he had become and how he was going to make his next wife a wonderful husband..... I felt so sad because I felt that the damage to our relationship was too great for either of us to recover. For so many reasons, some his and some mine, my relationship with the OM was over, no matter what, whether my marriage survived or not. I assumed that I would end up alone and my new and improved H would move on and be happy. I wasn't bitter about that, I was happy for him but sad for me and for the life that I thought we could have had. But, as everyday went by and he and I were helping one another heal, I just began to feel so much love an compassion and empathy. I know I've said it on here before, but I'll say it again. The old marriage is gone. It was broken. The damage was not repairable. We are trying a day at a time, an hour at a time, a moment at a time to build a new life, a new commitment and a new marriage. We have good days and bad days. It is unbelievable what a roller coaster of emotions we can go through in a single day. I have promised him, in front of our MC, that I will never be unfaithful to him again.... and I won't. If we cannot rebuild our life and our marriage then we will end this marriage, but hopefully we will have gone a long way towards rebuilding our lives and family. I have rediscovered a new love and respect for him and he seems to cherish me in a way that he never did before. I believe the women on here will understand that. A woman needs to be cherished, adored, wanted and desired. 

What we won't do is sweep anything under the rug. We won't rush through this so that we can create a pretty story for TAM. We have to take this one hurt at a time, one insecurity at a time, one heartbreak at a time, one doubt at a time, etc. We still have so much work to do and we're doing it. But, it isn't easy for either of us. We do appreciate all of the support that we get from you guys.


----------



## EI

One more thing.... I wasn't a perfect wife, by any means. I suffered from depression, too, for many years. I let myself go emotionally and physically, I suffered from extreme fatigue, at times. There were days that were so difficult following the deaths of my brother and father (16 days apart and both unexpected) back in 2004, that I counted waking up and breathing as an accomplishment. I know that that could not have been easy for my H to have to deal with but he did and, although he was already withdrawn and remained that way for many years to come, he never took his affection elsewhere. I just wanted to say that. I really do love him. I am just so sad that we both became so broken and I wish I could go back a rewrite a different story.


----------



## anonymouskitty

bandit.45 said:


> there is life after a cheating wife.
> _posted via mobile device_


^this

Enjoy it more after you let go of a cheating wh0re


----------



## warlock07

She keeps coming back and to check the thread. 

It would be interesting if she would make one last post !!

dinge, where is she staying now?


----------



## Beowulf

Empty Inside said:


> When I first posted our story it was just a week or so after D-Day. As the WS I knew that I would not receive a friendly reception and, truthfully, that isn't what I was looking for. I was looking for honesty. What I knew on an intellectual level and what I was feeling in my fog induced heart were two different things. I didn't have any idea that my H would literally stumble across my thread and that our story would play out right here in front of you guys. But, that has been very therapeutic. I'm sure that I didn't come across as authentic, at first, because at the time, I didn't have any idea of what I really wanted. H and I are learning, growing and evolving everyday. I couldn't have anticipated my H's response to this situation..... he definitely didn't go 180 on me, but I wasn't continuing the A so, maybe that wasn't necessary. He didn't pack up my $hit and throw me out on the driveway (as some of you suggested) and have me served. He responded with the love, compassion, mercy, empathy and nurturing that had been absent from our relationship for so many years. In the first few days after D-Day, I was the typical P'd off wife who was just sorry that I had been caught. Then, I began to see the depth of the pain that all of my loved ones were going through and my heart began to break. I felt so sorry for the hurt that I had inflicted upon my H and family. Then my H began to change in ways that no one could have anticipated (you all have read this as it has played out.) I felt so sad that he couldn't have "awakened" sooner. I remember thinking what an amazing man he had become and how he was going to make his next wife a wonderful husband..... I felt so sad because I felt that the damage to our relationship was too great for either of us to recover. For so many reasons, some his and some mine, my relationship with the OM was over, no matter what, whether my marriage survived or not. I assumed that I would end up alone and my new and improved H would move on and be happy. I wasn't bitter about that, I was happy for him but sad for me and for the life that I thought we could have had. But, as everyday went by and he and I were helping one another heal, I just began to feel so much love an compassion and empathy. I know I've said it on here before, but I'll say it again. The old marriage is gone. It was broken. The damage was not repairable. We are trying a day at a time, an hour at a time, a moment at a time to build a new life, a new commitment and a new marriage. We have good days and bad days. It is unbelievable what a roller coaster of emotions we can go through in a single day. I have promised him, in front of our MC, that I will never be unfaithful to him again.... and I won't. If we cannot rebuild our life and our marriage then we will end this marriage, but hopefully we will have gone a long way towards rebuilding our lives and family. I have rediscovered a new love and respect for him and he seems to cherish me in a way that he never did before. I believe the women on here will understand that. A woman needs to be cherished, adored, wanted and desired.
> 
> What we won't do is sweep anything under the rug. We won't rush through this so that we can create a pretty story for TAM. We have to take this one hurt at a time, one insecurity at a time, one heartbreak at a time, one doubt at a time, etc. We still have so much work to do and we're doing it. But, it isn't easy for either of us. We do appreciate all of the support that we get from you guys.


What you posted above is what makes me think your new marriage will thrive and grow just like my marriage has following our own D-Day. And it helps that you both have a shared history and a shared understanding of each other. Infidelity is traumatic to say the least but it can often be the impetus to a better relationship and a truer deeper understanding of what it takes to feed and nurture a marriage. Your husband's reaction was the correct one for your situation. As much as we like to talk about a cheater's script there really is no blueprint for reconciliation. Its all very need based and I'm glad its working out for you both. Just remember, you are now doing the work that you promised to do for each other on the day you first uttered your vows. If you keep it up you will have many deliriously happy years together and this pain and guilt will be a distant memory. I speak from experience.


----------



## Sara8

dingerdad said:


> I haven't been on here in awhile but you can read my story in previous threads. D-day 3 was last night. I received a phone call and a email from OMW. My STBXW admitted they had been talking again and she was in love with him. I seem to be ok with the marriage ending at this point but am devastated for my 6 yr old girl and 4 yr old son. Looking like I'll be staying with them in the home for now so that's something I can take comfort in...I was a big believer in R but now I don't know if happiness in a marriage is ever really possible after an affair. If anyone has advice on moving forward with a divorce please PM me as my STBXW (Allybabe_18) is a member on this forum.


Sorry to hear this Dinger.

But in a good way it reinforces that i did the right thing, by filing for divorce after Dday 2 for me. 

It seems once a cheater always a cheater is true in far too many cases. 

I would never have found out about dday 2 if someone who appears to like me did not out my STBEH. 

I am not going through Dday 3


----------



## Beowulf

warlock07 said:


> She keeps coming back and to check the thread.
> 
> It would be interesting if she would make one last post !!
> 
> dinge, where is she staying now?


I know this isn't a shared sentiment but I feel truly sorry for Allybabe. Sometime in the near future she is going to look back and be absolutely devastated at what she gave up. She is going to spend endless night alone crying over her blind foolishness in following a heart that misled her. I've seen it many times certainly here on TAM but also in my own circle of friends. My best friend found his wife cheating on him. They had two children together. She chose the OM over her husband. It didn't last. My friend ended up marrying a wonderful woman and had a child with her. Over time the two children from his first marriage ended up favoring their stepmother over their "genetic" mother because she was so wrapped up in and frequently distraught over her relationships that she was less of a mother than my friend's wife. This was so evident in a recent picture I saw. My friend's middle daughter just got married. The entire family was standing together in the picture with happy faces and true joy in their hearts. As the mother of the bride my friend's ex was in the picture as well. There was a noticeable gap between her and the rest of the family and her face showed a weariness and sadness that only years of loneliness can cause.

Allybabe, if you are still checking this board I hope some part of you is still thinking rationally. I swear on my life that the story I just relayed is true. And it is not an isolated one. If you look around the internet you will see the same scenario played out time after time. Dinger is a good man. He will land on his feet. He will find another woman to love him the way he should be loved. But your actions have set in motion a chain of events that can only end badly for you. Please reconsider what you are doing and see that you are choosing a life of pain and misery. You are throwing away many years of family, joy and happiness. It doesn't have to be this way. You are making a choice and its not going to end well for you.


----------



## lordmayhem

Empty Inside said:


> One more thing.... I wasn't a perfect wife, by any means. I suffered from depression, too, for many years. I let myself go emotionally and physically, I suffered from extreme fatigue, at times. There were days that were so difficult following the deaths of my brother and father (16 days apart and both unexpected) back in 2004, that I counted waking up and breathing as an accomplishment. I know that that could not have been easy for my H to have to deal with but he did and, although he was already withdrawn and remained that way for many years to come, he never took his affection elsewhere. I just wanted to say that. I really do love him. I am just so sad that we both became so broken and I wish I could go back a rewrite a different story.


Those are nice words. But as we've seen in here all too often, nice words without the actions to back them up mean nothing. Only time will tell if you wont make the same mistake that Allybabe has. For you its even tougher because you had a long term affair with your OM and claimed to love him so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8

Empty Inside said:


> This is just all so sad. What separates those who make it from those who don't? I want to make it. Does anyone ever truly recover and survive and thrive and live happily ever after?


The stats from reputable studies say "NO".

The marriage may limp along for awhile, but in the end the betrayed spouse finally wakes up to the reality of what has been done to them.

They realize they have been stabbed in the back by their best friend, perhaps the only person they truly trusted in life. 

Most can't deal with knowing that they really can never trust that person again. 

It's all the lies and blatant deceit and disrespect. All for what? An orgasm or a compliment.


----------



## happyman64

Empty Inside said:


> One more thing.... I wasn't a perfect wife, by any means. I suffered from depression, too, for many years. I let myself go emotionally and physically, I suffered from extreme fatigue, at times. There were days that were so difficult following the deaths of my brother and father (16 days apart and both unexpected) back in 2004, that I counted waking up and breathing as an accomplishment. I know that that could not have been easy for my H to have to deal with but he did and, although he was already withdrawn and remained that way for many years to come, he never took his affection elsewhere. I just wanted to say that. I really do love him. I am just so sad that we both became so broken and I wish I could go back a rewrite a different story.


Why would want to write a different story when the new one can be so much better than the old one. 

You are both out of your fogs, working hard to save your marriage and you both know how much you love each other.

Remember the past, embrace the present and look forward to the future. You both keep working hard towards your goalof a new, better marriage.

I am cheering for you.

HM64


----------



## EI

lordmayhem said:


> Those are nice words. But as we've seen in here all too often, nice words without the actions to back them up mean nothing. Only time will tell if you wont make the same mistake that Allybabe has. For you its even tougher because you had a long term affair with your OM and claimed to love him so much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They aren't meant to be "nice words," lordmayhem, they are honest words. I have made it clear that I have no intention of wrapping up a picture perfect story so that everyone on TAM can smile and say "well done!" H & I are going through all of this, the good, the bad and the ugly, right here, in real time. The new promise that we have made to one another, at this point, is to be honest and to try to create a new marriage and a new commitment. If at some point, one or both of us decide that it isn't going to work we will part, but hopefully, we will have both learned some valuable things in the process. I am optimistic right now. I know my husband and everyday I am being reminded of those wonderful qualities in him that were long forgotten, buried under years of tremendous pressures, obligations, and responsibilities. Along with those great qualities, some completely new qualities, unknown to me before now, have emerged, as well. I think I have said, that he has become, not just the, once wonderful, husband that I married, but someone more than I ever dreamed he could be. We are, both, growing and being blessed in ways that I never imagined possible. It sounds unrealistic, I know, and I have stated that I feel afraid all of the time.... that this can't possibly last. I'm afraid that it is some "stage" that all couples go through after D-Day and that things will go back to the way they were before. 

You're right, I did have a long term affair. I had fallen out of love with my husband and I did fall "into something," as my therapist stated, with the OM. Love does not always conquer all. Sometimes, life conquers love. When people enter into a second marriage, they inevitably bring along their baggage from their previous marriages/relationships. H & I are creating a new marriage.... it just so happens that we share the same baggage, 5 beautiful children, a lifetime of memories, some of which were wonderful, and a shared love of our family. We're doing this. I'm excited, scared, hopeful, doubtful, happy, sad...... etc. Now, I think we need to get this conversation back over to my H's thread. I feel bad that so much of this has taken place on dingerdad's. 

Like Beowulf, my heart goes out to Allybabe. I feel strongly that she is going to be left broken hearted by her OM and realize what a beautiful family she has left behind. Perhaps, I was lucky that the OM never made promises or told me that he loved me.


----------



## EI

Sara8 said:


> The stats from reputable studies say "NO".
> 
> The marriage may limp along for awhile, but in the end the betrayed spouse finally wakes up to the reality of what has been done to them.
> 
> They realize they have been stabbed in the back by their best friend, perhaps the only person they truly trusted in life.
> 
> Most can't deal with knowing that they really can never trust that person again.
> 
> It's all the lies and blatant deceit and disrespect. All for what? An orgasm or a compliment.



Sara8, with all due respect to my H, I didn't destroy my marriage by myself. I broke my vows to him, but he broke his vows to me, as well. We, both, have to learn to trust one another again. I failed on the "forsaking all others" part of my vows. But, my H had failed to "love, honor and cherish me" long before that. I believe that H & I *can *learn to trust one another again. 

There are lots of studies and lots of stats..... for every one that you can find stating that marriages can not recover and thrive from infidelity, I can find one that says they can. I, also, think your comment about "an orgasm or a compliment" greatly oversimplifies things. 

I'm not going to win any popularity points on TAM for saying this, but when did I ever say that I was here to win points, right? I think it is very easy for the BS to say that "the affair is 100% on the WS," and then take the easy way out, divorce, and go on to be bitter and unhappy. I think it takes a person of great character, courage and conviction to look in the mirror and admit that they contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and acknowledge that they, too, have a responsibility in the current state of affairs (no pun intended.) Not every marriage can or should be saved. Not every BS wants their WS back and not every WS wants to R the marriage, either. But, I have noticed that many of the happiest people on this CWI forum seem to be those who have successfully R. Many are D and remain extremely bitter and unhappy. That's just my observation. I do, hope that you do find your happiness.


----------



## warlock07

Beowulf said:


> I know this isn't a shared sentiment but I feel truly sorry for Allybabe. Sometime in the near future she is going to look back and be absolutely devastated at what she gave up. She is going to spend endless night alone crying over her blind foolishness in following a heart that misled her. I've seen it many times certainly here on TAM but also in my own circle of friends. My best friend found his wife cheating on him. They had two children together. She chose the OM over her husband. It didn't last. My friend ended up marrying a wonderful woman and had a child with her. Over time the two children from his first marriage ended up favoring their stepmother over their "genetic" mother because she was so wrapped up in and frequently distraught over her relationships that she was less of a mother than my friend's wife. This was so evident in a recent picture I saw. My friend's middle daughter just got married. The entire family was standing together in the picture with happy faces and true joy in their hearts. As the mother of the bride my friend's ex was in the picture as well. There was a noticeable gap between her and the rest of the family and her face showed a weariness and sadness that only years of loneliness can cause.
> 
> Allybabe, if you are still checking this board I hope some part of you is still thinking rationally. I swear on my life that the story I just relayed is true. And it is not an isolated one. If you look around the internet you will see the same scenario played out time after time. Dinger is a good man. He will land on his feet. He will find another woman to love him the way he should be loved. But your actions have set in motion a chain of events that can only end badly for you. Please reconsider what you are doing and see that you are choosing a life of pain and misery. You are throwing away many years of family, joy and happiness. It doesn't have to be this way. You are making a choice and its not going to end well for you.



I share the sentiments to some extent. I just feel sorry for her. She is just jumping between men and is being played for a fool. Allybabe_18, if you reading this, consider staying single for a while. OM is not the right person. 

Beowulf, TAM is much kinder with you here.


----------



## Beowulf

Sara8 said:


> The stats from reputable studies say "NO".
> 
> The marriage may limp along for awhile, but in the end the betrayed spouse finally wakes up to the reality of what has been done to them.
> 
> They realize they have been stabbed in the back by their best friend, perhaps the only person they truly trusted in life.
> 
> Most can't deal with knowing that they really can never trust that person again.
> 
> It's all the lies and blatant deceit and disrespect. All for what? An orgasm or a compliment.


Again, this is simply not the case. True, in some cases the BS cannot recover the trust that has been broken. In some cases the WS does not want to do the heavy lifting necessary to make the BS feel safe in the relationship again. In some cases there is just too much resentment to overcome. But in many cases couples are able to work through all this and build a better stronger marriage. So many posters here on TAM have already accomplished this. And most of the ones that have successful reconciliations do not report it here because they are too busy building and living their lives together. You show me a statistic that says infidelity is a deal breaker in most marriages and I'll show you a statistic that says infidelity can be overcome completely and successfully, starting with my own marriage.

It all depends on the two people involved and how much they BOTH want to reconcile. It takes two to make a marriage, it takes two to keep a marriage strong, and it takes two to rebuild a marriage after a traumatic event, regardless of what the event may be.


----------



## bandit.45

Empty Inside said:


> Not every BS wants their WS back and not every WS wants to R the marriage, either. But, I have noticed that many of the happiest people on this CWI forum seem to be those who have successfully R. Many are D and remain extremely bitter and unhappy. That's just my observation. I do, hope that you do find your happiness.


I dunno. My divorce of my cheating ex just went through and I couldn't be happier.


----------



## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno. My divorce of my cheating ex just went through and I couldn't be happier.


Bandit, your situation is a little different than most. If I were in your shoes I would have handled it the same way you did. Multiple heartbreaks are too much to handle. I couldn't go through it again and Morrigan knows that. I doubt many BS could have even considered R if faced with what you had to face.


----------



## bandit.45

I think what Dingerdad is going through is far worse than my plight. He has children... that makes it 1000x worse. 

Allybabe came on TAM and spent untold hours writing and posting about how she was soooooo committed to Dingerdad. What the hell for? To soothe her conscience?

Oh wait... I forgot. She doesn't have one. 

Now DD has to suffer this public humiliation by her in front of all of us. 

Total evil insanity for that wench to throw away her husband and family, and destroy another woman's family in the process!


----------



## EI

bandit.45 said:


> I dunno. My divorce of my cheating ex just went through and I couldn't be happier.



Bandit, I am *sooooooo *happy that you're happy. C'mon, I said "many" not all. I clearly said that not all marriages can or should be saved. Hey, I want you to be happy, I think you're probably a little nicer to me when you're in a good mood!


----------



## bandit.45

Empty Inside said:


> Bandit, I am *sooooooo *happy that you're happy. C'mon, I said "many" not all. I clearly said that not all marriages can or should be saved. Hey, I want you to be happy, I think you're probably a little nicer to me when you're in a good mood!


I'm always nice EI.  My dad taught me that. 

But I also have a big mouth, and I call BS when I see it. So I apologize if I come across as a little coarse.


----------



## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> I think what Dingerdad is going through is far worse than my plight. He has children... that makes it 1000x worse.
> 
> Allybabe came on TAM and spent untold hours writing and posting about how she was soooooo committed to Dingerdad. What the hell for? To soothe her conscience?
> 
> Oh wait... I forgot. She doesn't have one.
> 
> Now DD has to suffer this public humiliation by her in front of all of us.
> 
> Total evil insanity for that wench to throw away her husband and family, and destroy another woman's family in the process!


No, Dinger is not humiliated, Allybabe is. He took the high road and gave her every chance to save her marriage, her family and her self respect. She is the one that has chosen to throw it all away on a temporary self indulgent fantasy. Soon enough she will see what she has lost and what she has NOT gained. And it will be the reality check of all reality checks. So sad that this same pitiful story has played out countless times and yet people continue to think "well this is different." No, honey, its not. You're weak, selfish and a damned fool...just like all the rest. Pull up a cot because all the beds are taken in that mess hall. And I do mean mess.


----------



## EI

bandit.45 said:


> I'm always nice EI.  My dad taught me that.
> 
> But I also have a big mouth, and I call BS when I see it. So I apologize if I come across as a little coarse.



No apologies necessary!


----------



## warlock07

Back to your thread EI.


----------



## morituri

Dinger is moving on to a life of truth and honesty while AlleyBabe is moving on with her life in the opposite direction. Guess which direction leads a person to true happiness?


----------



## Beowulf

One has to wonder if this OM of Allybabe's is really worth her losing her home, her security, and half her children. Because that is what it amounts to. I really can't understand a mother that is ready to sacrifice half her children for a man with obviously no morals that will willingly cheat with a married woman. What kind of father is that kind of man? What type of example will he set for the children? On those cold lonely nights when she does not have her children around her I wonder if she'll still think it was all worth it?


----------



## warlock07

She lost her face in front of dinger and now she is even more compelled to run to the only guy that will support her and say that she did the right thing.


----------



## costa200

> I'm not going to win any popularity points on TAM for saying this, but when did I ever say that I was here to win points, right? I think it is very easy for the BS to say that "the affair is 100% on the WS," and then take the easy way out, divorce, and go on to be bitter and unhappy. I think it takes a person of great character, courage and conviction to look in the mirror and admit that they contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and acknowledge that they, too, have a responsibility in the current state of affairs (no pun intended.) Not every marriage can or should be saved. Not every BS wants their WS back and not every WS wants to R the marriage, either. But, I have noticed that many of the happiest people on this CWI forum seem to be those who have successfully R. Many are D and remain extremely bitter and unhappy. That's just my observation. I do, hope that you do find your happiness.



Well i'm here basically by accident and i haven't any infidelity traumas of my own. But it can see through your smoke like it's not there. Nothing justifies cheating. 

If you're not happy you WORK it with your spouse. You don't go around bedding other people. Plus, people don't cheat because they lack this or that. They do it because they want to do it. Rationalizations come rushing out. Usually clichés like "he didn't pay me enough attention and didn't share his feelings" for women and "she never wanted to have sex and was always nagging me" for men. 

Well, guess what, most couples go though that some time into the relationship. They not unique in feeling neglected somehow. But they decided to cheat while others overcame it somehow. And yes, to be perfectly honest, that makes them less of a person.

I don't care what their therapist told them to make them feel better. They failed their marriage if they cheated, they failed their partner and they failed their family. 




> I have noticed that many of the happiest people on this CWI forum seem to be those who have successfully R. Many are D and remain extremely bitter and unhappy.


Tho most happy couples aren't here... And surely aren't the ones where cheating went on. And i think you're completely missing the whole broken vase thing. They present themselves happy all the time to not have to deal with the pain the betrayal inflicts every time it comes up. Its a façade they put on as a defensive mechanism. Couples who fail to do this quickly degenerate and the relation is over. 

Are divorcees bitter? Some surely are. How can they not be? But would have to live with a partner that has shown no respect or love for them make them not be? 

Let me ask you a really genuine question. If the problems in the marriage are so serious that a person has to seek another partner why does one stay married? In this day and age, is there a reason? Or do cheaters just want the best of two worlds, even if they have to deceive the other part? Is that not the very definition of selfishness?



> I think it takes a person of great character, courage and conviction to look in the mirror and admit that they contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and acknowledge that they, too, have a responsibility in the current state of affairs


Or a total spineless, afraid of changes and confrontation, emotionally dependent person. That would work too. In fact i think this version i much more abundant than the one you present. Given that people of great character, courage and conviction more often than not send the cheater packing instead of going for a R that results into an artificial thing to keep on life support at all times of a marriage.


----------



## bandit.45

Am I the only one who predicts the OM will toss her under the train to save his marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> She keeps coming back and to check the thread.
> 
> It would be interesting if she would make one last post !!
> 
> dinge, where is she staying now?


My wife is here at the house sleeping in the camper for now. It's a little hard for me with her being here and I worry it is confusing the kids more but I kind of understand. She has nowhere to go untill she finds a place and this is legally her house as well as mine. She saYs she is also worried about the what te kids will think when she leaves. She wants a place ready so we can give the mommys house/daddy's house speech. Not the mommys leaving to go somewhere speech. I don't know what's better but I do know I am done fighting. When stuffs settled and she's ready to leave she'll leave. She's for her Romeo waiting...and you know what. He can have her.


----------



## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> Am I the only one who predicts the OM will toss her under the train to save his marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't recall the situation with the OM. If Allybabe is throwing everything away in order to pursue the breakup of another marriage that is pretty damned low. And if she is falling for the machinations of a man that is still actively married then she's a bigger fool than I gave her credit for.


----------



## bandit.45

Dingerdad, is the OM leaving his wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> Am I the only one who predicts the OM will toss her under the train to save his marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No you're not.

Let's say, for the sake of argument, that the OM does want to form a relationship with AlleyBabe, I can almost guarantee you that it will be one of mutual suspicion where once one or both start coming late from work or are gone a few hours and do not make their whereabouts known, that it will inevitably poison it and have its days numbered. Not much passion will be left once they start living together.


----------



## bandit.45

What sucks is that Allybabe knows all the TAM methods for coping BSs. The 180 may not work on her. 

Yeah... You're already planning all your moves aren't you AllyBimbo!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70

bandit.45 said:


> What sucks is that Allybabe knows all the TAM methods for coping BSs. The 180 may not work on her.
> 
> Yeah... You're already planning all your moves aren't you AllyBimbo!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Doesn't matter what she knows or what could work on her. I think dinger is in a way better place than before. He's already detaching.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

Beowulf said:


> No, Dinger is not humiliated, Allybabe is. He took the high road and gave her every chance to save her marriage, her family and her self respect. She is the one that has chosen to throw it all away on a temporary self indulgent fantasy. Soon enough she will see what she has lost and what she has NOT gained. And it will be the reality check of all reality checks. So sad that this same pitiful story has played out countless times and yet people continue to think "well this is different." No, honey, its not. You're weak, selfish and a damned fool...just like all the rest. Pull up a cot because all the beds are taken in that mess hall. And I do mean mess.


I do not feel at all humiliated. Not sure how I would describe my feelings.


----------



## Jibril

I'm of the opinion that the everyday stresses of living together will be enough to kill the passion of their affair, assuming they even _get_ that far, and OM doesn't throw her under the bus again. They could afford to be infatuated with one another during their respective marriages because there was no _responsibility_ in their relationship. Just lots of passion, professions of love, and sex.

Once they start living together, paying bills, taking care of the kids, etc., her prince charming wont seem all that charming anymore. And when the stresses of everyday living become too much, they will both branch out and have their own affairs, to "escape" from their banal lives. And so the cycle goes on.

So, while I wasn't around for the original thread, I don't feel the _least_ bit sorry for her. She made her bed, as the expression goes. Now she can lie in it.

I pity your current living situation, Dingerdad. I wish you nothing but fortitude and strength for the coming changes in your life. Stay strong, mate.

EDIT: I was responding to Morituri's statement above, but forgot to quote, like a _tool_. Oh well.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Am I the only one who predicts the OM will toss her under the train to save his marriage?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thier first fight or "non perfect day" or "night" will be a test. My STBXW will always wonder everytime his phone beeps if it's his ex. It's gonna drive her insane.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Dingerdad, is the OM leaving his wife?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OMW told me they were splitting but she's a bit of a headcase as well. She once told me that she told the OM she would stay married to him and he could have my wife as his mistress. I also seen email from my STBXW at one point that said she would be any part of the OM life he wanted.


----------



## dingerdad

180 does not matter to me. I am done With my wife and starting a new life. Pretty much same as old one minus all the pain.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> 180 does not matter to me. I am done With my wife and starting a new life. Pretty much same as old one minus all the pain.


You could still do it while she is still living there. Don't you have to wait a year after filing before the D goes through. Yo cannot kick her out of the house legally can you?

Is the mother of your children showing any remorse or sadness at all, or is she excited to become another man's concubine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> I also seen email from my STBXW at one point that said she would be any part of the OM life he wanted.


It's one of the saddest thing's I've heard about some WW, they willingly accep being OWs or whatever he chose for them. What a lack of self respect. Sad, sad, sad.
The fact BW also is willing to be in a onesided open marriage is very telling. Both knoe OM is a hard core cake eater. There's NO WAY he'll renounce to the cake in the side. Ever. The participants identities are irrelevant. That's all Ally can expect. She's not going to "cure" him and she knows it, that's why she offered herself as permanent mistress if that's what he wanted her to be.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> You could still do it while she is still living there. Don't you have to wait a year after filing before the D goes through. Yo cannot kick her out of the house legally can you?
> 
> Is the mother of your children showing any remorse or sadness at all, or is she excited to become another man's concubine?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not trying to do a 180 but I am living it anyway. She is here for now but that does not factor at all in my personnel life decisions. I don't want her back as my wife. Never will. I don't feel a lot of anger. The sadness I feel is not for myself but for my kids and the loss of my family unit and my future I had. I see not rush to get a piece of paper. I'm divorced in gods eyes and am free. She brought up filing and I told her go ahead. She can figure all that out. I know it'll take time but if we for divorced tommorow or in a year it wouldn't change anything on my end. I'm not planning on getting married soon. I cannot kick her out legally and wouldn't at this point. We are getting along good considering what she did. We have figured out most of assets/debt split up and a kids schedule. I really want to avoid a court battle and big lawyer bills so kicking her out would bite me in the ass in the long run. I wish I never had to see her again ever but I know with two kids that need us both that will never be possible. 
I don't know how she feels. Haven't asked and don't really care unless it involves our children. She gets a little emotional sometimes but quickly bites her lip and toughens up. She obviously thinks what she did us right or else she wouldn't have done it....and like I said if she is hurting I am indifferent to it at this point. Some day maybe we'll be friends for the kids and not just putting up a front fir them but that's a ways away.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Dinger.

Ally is ok with sloppy seconds, not a darn thing you can do but save yourself and support your kids.

And I know she is the mother of your kids but can you honestly see yourself being friends with someone that lies so easily and is so selfish?

And the trailer is the right place for trash. Karma Trailer,,, I like that.

I am glad you are detaching......


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> The OMW told me they were splitting but she's a bit of a headcase as well. She once told me that she told the OM she would stay married to him and he could have my wife as his mistress. I also seen email from my STBXW at one point that said she would be any part of the OM life he wanted.



Gutter trash!! She would rather be his mistress than be your wife!! That would be a good scar to carry for the rest of your life. 

Get her out of your life as fast as you can. Living around her is poisonous to your emotional health!!


----------



## strugglinghusband

Take the camper and park it in OM's driveway, with her in it...

What a effen mess, dinger I'm so sorry you have to go thru this crap, stay strong, take of you and the kids....


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> I am not trying to do a 180 but I am living it anyway. She is here for now but that does not factor at all in my personnel life decisions. I don't want her back as my wife. Never will. I don't feel a lot of anger. The sadness I feel is not for myself but for my kids and the loss of my family unit and my future I had. I see not rush to get a piece of paper. I'm divorced in gods eyes and am free. She brought up filing and I told her go ahead. She can figure all that out. I know it'll take time but if we for divorced tommorow or in a year it wouldn't change anything on my end. I'm not planning on getting married soon. I cannot kick her out legally and wouldn't at this point. We are getting along good considering what she did. We have figured out most of assets/debt split up and a kids schedule. I really want to avoid a court battle and big lawyer bills so kicking her out would bite me in the ass in the long run. I wish I never had to see her again ever but I know with two kids that need us both that will never be possible.
> I don't know how she feels. Haven't asked and don't really care unless it involves our children. She gets a little emotional sometimes but quickly bites her lip and toughens up. She obviously thinks what she did us right or else she wouldn't have done it....and like I said if she is hurting I am indifferent to it at this point. Some day maybe we'll be friends for the kids and not just putting up a front fir them but that's a ways away.


Dinger -- I don't know everything in regards to your story -- but know enough and I must say you are quite a human being and a better father.

You appear in total control --- even with all the pain and suffering I could never imgaine having to endure -- your focus is what is best for your kids and then you.

Your kids may not realize it yet -- but they have one of the best dads this world will ever see.

You also sound at peace with yourself and are not second guessing anything.

Take care of yourself and the kids !!


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> I am not trying to do a 180 but I am living it anyway. She is here for now but that does not factor at all in my personnel life decisions. I don't want her back as my wife. Never will. I don't feel a lot of anger. The sadness I feel is not for myself but for my kids and the loss of my family unit and my future I had. I see not rush to get a piece of paper. I'm divorced in gods eyes and am free. *She brought up filing and I told her go ahead. She can figure all that out.* I know it'll take time but if we for divorced tommorow or in a year it wouldn't change anything on my end. I'm not planning on getting married soon. I cannot kick her out legally and wouldn't at this point. We are getting along good considering what she did. We have figured out most of assets/debt split up and a kids schedule. I really want to avoid a court battle and big lawyer bills so kicking her out would bite me in the ass in the long run. I wish I never had to see her again ever but I know with two kids that need us both that will never be possible.
> I don't know how she feels. Haven't asked and don't really care unless it involves our children. She gets a little emotional sometimes but quickly bites her lip and toughens up. She obviously thinks what she did us right or else she wouldn't have done it....and like I said if she is hurting I am indifferent to it at this point. Some day maybe we'll be friends for the kids and not just putting up a front fir them but that's a ways away.


If you told her to file, guess what....she's going to drag her feet on this. We've read it here before, where the BS doesn't want to be the one to file, and the WS drags it on forever. She wants to cake eat as long as possible. She's contented to be the OM's sex toy right? Then what incentive does she have to file? She's got security with being married, a live-in babysitter (YOU), and she gets to bang her OM with the OMW's consent. 

ALL while you live in the hell of in-house separation. Shooboomafoo had to live thru that hell, while watching his ex wife get herself all primped up for dates with other men. 










Don't let her cake eat and turn you into the live-in babysitter. Time to file.


----------



## bandit.45

Yeah. Drag that camper down the road to a vacant lot. She can cook her meals over open fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

:iagree:

Amen Bandit. And you know what you are talking about when it comes to waywards and trailers.


----------



## Almostrecovered

we really should have a waywards and trailers subforum


----------



## bandit.45

Word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

I guess we've got plenty of experience with ex-wives dying to be some scumbag's sex toy than a good man's wife. Too bad there isn't an early detection filter that we could use before getting married to one.


----------



## bandit.45

Such women, like our ex-wives, are broken to the core. Allybabe was broken long ago, long before she met her husband. Its not our fault that we could not see the signs. 

As for myself I have no good excuse. I should have divorced my ex the first time I caught her cheating. That is a mistake I have paid dearly for, and why I am not a big proponent of reconcilliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8

bandit.45 said:


> Such women, like our ex-wives, are broken to the core. Allybabe was broken long ago, long before she met her husband. Its not our fault that we could not see the signs.
> 
> As for myself I have no good excuse. I should have divorced my ex the first time I caught her cheating. That is a mistake I have paid dearly for, and why I am not a big proponent of reconcilliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, on all counts, and it applies to men, too, and that is why I filed for divorce.

I tried reconciliation and got kicked in the teeth again.

My spouse is broken and it had little to do with any marital difficulties. None of which were ever mentioned to me.

He now doesn't want a divorce because why divorce a trusting fool like me. 

Alas, some people need to learn there lessons first hand and seeing other examples of second and third Ddays doesn't seem to affect some and that's their choice. 

I have been through two Ddays and not waiting for a third. I wish I had lurked on this board first rather than the reconciliation board


----------



## happyman64

bandit.45 said:


> Such women, like our ex-wives, are broken to the core. Allybabe was broken long ago, long before she met her husband. Its not our fault that we could not see the signs.
> 
> As for myself I have no good excuse. I should have divorced my ex the first time I caught her cheating. That is a mistake I have paid dearly for, and why I am not a big proponent of reconcilliation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit,

I know you are not a fan of R because of what your wife did a 2nd time.

But i think you are the man you are today because of what your wife did a 2nd time. 

And that is a big compliment to you my friend.

And all of us guys, plus the TAM ladies and gym girl get the best of you!!

And no I am not gay and happily married so do not get any ideas. Lol!

Have a great 4th of July guys and oh yeah bandit, I hope that big bottle rocket does not hit your exwifes trailer too hard and do any damage???

HM64


----------



## bandit.45

Why thank you Happy. You are a pretty cool guy yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Bandit, the fact that you gave your ex-wife a second chance is not a testament to your stupidity but of hers. Only a truly stupid woman would stomp at being given another chance by her forgiving husband.

My ex-wife already has paid dearly for her betrayal and it is just a matter of time before your ex-wife pays for hers.


----------



## dingerdad

lordmayhem said:


> If you told her to file, guess what....she's going to drag her feet on this. We've read it here before, where the BS doesn't want to be the one to file, and the WS drags it on forever. She wants to cake eat as long as possible. She's contented to be the OM's sex toy right? Then what incentive does she have to file? She's got security with being married, a live-in babysitter (YOU), and she gets to bang her OM with the OMW's consent.
> 
> ALL while you live in the hell of in-house separation. Shooboomafoo had to live thru that hell, while watching his ex wife get herself all primped up for dates with other men.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don't let her cake eat and turn you into the live-in babysitter. Time to file.


She is looking for a new place now and will be out shortly.


----------



## dingerdad

morituri said:


> I guess we've got plenty of experience with ex-wives dying to be some scumbag's sex toy than a good man's wife. Too bad there isn't an early detection filter that we could use before getting married to one.


I agree. There comes a time when ever betrayed man has to just admit they married the wrong women. I know I did.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> My wife is here at the house sleeping in the camper for now. It's a little hard for me with her being here and I worry it is confusing the kids more but I kind of understand. She has nowhere to go untill she finds a place and this is legally her house as well as mine. She saYs she is also worried about the what te kids will think when she leaves. She wants a place ready so we can give the mommys house/daddy's house speech. Not the mommys leaving to go somewhere speech. I don't know what's better but I do know I am done fighting.


What's better is for your kids to see their DAD showing integrity and not giving in to selfish immoral people. File the papers, make her fight to see the kids...let her suffer for once in her misguided life and maybe, _maybe_ she might learn a little bit so she doesn't push her thought process onto your kids.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Thier first fight or "non perfect day" or "night" will be a test. My STBXW will always wonder everytime his phone beeps* if it's his ex*. It's gonna drive her insane.


 Or his NEW mistress.

Great job, Allybabe. You've become a wonderful role model for your kids to emulate.


----------



## lordmayhem

turnera said:


> Or his NEW mistress.
> 
> Great job, Allybabe. You've become a wonderful role model for your kids to emulate.


:iagree:

It's just so sad. What's worse, it didn't have to be this way. I thought this was going to be one of the success stories.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> What's better is for your kids to see their DAD showing integrity and not giving in to selfish immoral people. File the papers, make her fight to see the kids...let her suffer for once in her misguided life and maybe, _maybe_ she might learn a little bit so she doesn't push her thought process onto your kids.


In not out to punish her and the kids need their mom


----------



## turnera

There's a difference in not punishing their mom and holding their mom accountable for poor actions. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy?


----------



## dingerdad

^
I just want a fair split of out assets, joint custody of the kids and that she does not move the kids to be with her affair partner. This is all happening so I see no reason to fight. Life will punish her...


----------



## turnera

I don't care what happens to her. I care about the kids spending half their time with a mom with a revolving bedroom door. My best friend's mom was on her 7th husband. Just kept cheating on the current one when he ran out of money. Scarred my friend for life. No one stood up to her mom and said act right in front of your kids.


----------



## bandit.45

I think he's holding his wife accountable. Or else he woul be the one leaving. 

Dinger, down the line, the next woman you take up with is going to be one lucky gal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I'm not saying to take her to the cleaners or leave her destitute. I'm talking about making sure the divorce decree sets a high bar for what your children are exposed to.


----------



## dingerdad

We have arranged a meeting with a lawyer to help us through the divorce process together. Hope to minimize arguments and expense by negotiating a fair settlement for both. We both need better understanding of certain things so we are going together. The hope is to minimize cost which can add up quick with two lawyers going back and forth, put the agreements we have made in legal writing, and to have an impartial view on our situation. What do you think?


----------



## turnera

I think you'll regret believing that she will treat you fairly in a couple years wihen you're still paying off what she got from you.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> I think you'll regret believing that she will treat you fairly in a couple years wihen you're still paying off what she got from you.


If we go at it with lawyers it will all be gone anyways. Might as well try and go the peaceful route.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger,

Usually I think sharing a lawyer is a bad idea.

But in your case if Ally agrees to it then try it.

It could speed up the D process for you and get her the hell out.

Just do not give away what you do not have. 

Please be careful and do not let your heart think for you.

Remember now, Ally has no heart......

HM64


----------



## Chaparral

dingerdad said:


> In not out to punish her and the kids need their mom


You or no one else has to punish her. Wherever she goes, there she'll be. This is so sad. I pity the fool.


----------



## dingerdad

My STBXW is really dragging her ass on starting this new life she claims to want. Hasn't packed one thing. She's also acting freakishly normal around house. Woke me up because I slept in. (she always set alarm clock) and make my lunch for me as I was running out the door. Even gets uncomfortable close to me in certain situations. I flinch away or back up but she does not seem to notice. I think she has been carrying on this double life so long that she just keeps going like that. Maybe she never would have left if she wouldn't have got caught. Maybe she's waiting untill I snap but for now I am getting along.


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> My STBXW is really dragging her ass on starting this new life she claims to want. Hasn't packed one thing. She's also acting freakishly normal around house. Woke me up because I slept in. (she always set alarm clock) and make my lunch for me as I was running out the door. Even gets uncomfortable close to me in certain situations. I flinch away or back up but she does not seem to notice. I think she has been carrying on this double life so long that she just keeps going like that. Maybe she never would have left if she wouldn't have got caught. Maybe she's waiting untill I snap but for now I am getting along.


Maybe she's realized what a damned fool she is.


----------



## Chaparral

Beowulf said:


> Maybe she's realized what a damned fool she is.


Like any other addict that thinks they can take one more drink, hit , toke, etc. etc.

Good luck DD.


----------



## dingerdad

Beowulf said:


> Maybe she's realized what a damned fool she is.


No. She says they love each other. Makes her actions more odd. You think he would be pressuring her to get out as well.


----------



## morituri

Maybe she is waiting for the OM to leave his wife and then move to a new place before she leaves to be with him.


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> No. She says they love each other. Makes her actions more odd. You think he would be pressuring her to get out as well.


Words, just words. Its like trying to understand the ramblings of an alcoholic. If she loved him that much she'd be gone already. Its more likely she is trying to latch on to anyone that will love her regardless of how foolish that choice may be.


----------



## snap

There isn't any incentive for her to rush it, it will only accelerate her losing your financial support. It's not like she has to move out to be his mistress, and she obviously have no problem being it with you around.

Help her pack her bags, she'll drag her feet forever.


----------



## dingerdad

Doubt it. She would have to leave kids as he lives an 1 1/2 away. Law is very clear on moving children away from one parent. Need consent. I honestly don't think she knows what her future holds.


----------



## dingerdad

Legally I am stuck. Either I leave or wait for her to leave. All I can do is get the legal seperation/divorce started. I could make a stink and throw her out, throw her stuff out etc. but I'm not going to give her ammo to use against me.


----------



## bandit.45

Where you live you have to wait a year for divorce after filing right Dinger? 

Can you petition the court not to allow your children's so-called mother to expose the children to the piece of human excrement she's thowing her life away for?


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> Legally I am stuck. Either I leave or wait for her to leave. All I can do is get the legal seperation/divorce started. I could make a stink and throw her out, throw her stuff out etc. but I'm not going to give her ammo to use against me.


Dinger,

I doubt she is having buyers remorse. What you see is wayward crazeeeeee!

It is how they deal with their guilt.

I am sure she will get her A compatrmentalized soon and then the fun really begins.

Do your 180 so you can detach. Just deal with the kids and get her to move on ASAP so you can ave some peace and normalness in the house.

You deserve it after her nonsense.

You will find better Dinger. All in good time.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Where you live you have to wait a year for divorce after filing right Dinger?
> 
> Can you petition the court not to allow your children's so-called mother to expose the children to the piece of human excrement she's thowing her life away for?


Maybe. It's not something I would do though.


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Dinger,
> 
> I doubt she is having buyers remorse. What you see is wayward crazeeeeee!
> 
> It is how they deal with their guilt.
> 
> I am sure she will get her A compatrmentalized soon and then the fun really begins.
> 
> Do your 180 so you can detach. Just deal with the kids and get her to move on ASAP so you can ave some peace and normalness in the house.
> 
> You deserve it after her nonsense.
> 
> You will find better Dinger. All in good time.
> 
> HM64
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I am already detached. I find myself tonight just wishing for peace and love in my family even if it is separate homes.


----------



## cledus_snow

do you know if the affair ever ended, at all?

it seems like she was lying from the beginning. how is it that he has such a "hold" on her. you said he's not that "good looking." i know it's not about looks, but.....


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> Maybe. It's not something I would do though.


Dumb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Maybe. It's not something I would do though.


 Wait, what? You won't ask the courts to tell your wife she can't bring OM around your kids?

Why?

Oh, wait, I know. You don't want to HURT your wife. Got it.

Who gives a flip what happens to the kids. As long as your wife is happy.


----------



## iheartlife

turnera said:


> Wait, what? You won't ask the courts to tell your wife she can't bring OM around your kids?
> 
> Why?
> 
> Oh, wait, I know. You don't want to HURT your wife. Got it.
> 
> Who gives a flip what happens to the kids. As long as your wife is happy.


Do you have any idea what kind of low-life takes up with a married woman with children? Seriously? They are surely NOT life partner material, and if that's the case then we can bet the farm they are NOT step-father material either, not in this lifetime.

There are a lot of things I might or might not do if my H was leaving me for someone else, but I have to say, blocking my kids from spending time with the AP would be pretty much #1 on my list. And #2 and #3.


----------



## warlock07

turnera said:


> Wait, what? You won't ask the courts to tell your wife she can't bring OM around your kids?
> 
> Why?
> 
> Oh, wait, I know. You don't want to HURT your wife. Got it.
> 
> Who gives a flip what happens to the kids. As long as your wife is happy.


Go easy on him. He is struggling and we can be a bit more kind to him even if we think he is making the wrong decision


----------



## dingerdad

I don't know what to do. The kids need their mother. The need us to not be at each others throats. They need two happy loving homes. If I fight I might end of losing more of them. This man also has more money than I could dream of. I would be bankrupt fighting this in a week. Then what kind of life could I give them?


----------



## joe kidd

dingerdad said:


> I don't know what to do. The kids need their mother. The need us to not be at each others throats. They need two happy loving homes. If I fight I might end of losing more of them. This man also has more money than I could dream of. I would be bankrupt fighting this in a week. Then what kind of life could I give them?


They just want your love and attention, IMO that's a lot to give.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> I don't know what to do. The kids need their mother. The need us to not be at each others throats. They need two happy loving homes. If I fight I might end of losing more of them. *This man also has more money than I could dream of*. I would be bankrupt fighting this in a week. Then what kind of life could I give them?


Oh, does does OM have assets? Do you live in an Alienation of Affection state? If so, you could sue him.


----------



## dingerdad

No Canada.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> I don't know what to do. The kids need their mother. The need us to not be at each others throats. They need two happy loving homes. If I fight I might end of losing more of them. This man also has more money than I could dream of. I would be bankrupt fighting this in a week. Then what kind of life could I give them?


 You could give them a home in which you raise them with morals and conviction and teach them to fight injustice. You could raise them to know the difference between right and wrong. You could raise them apart from her to see that you don't CHEAT on your spouse whereas, if you just roll over like this, they WILL grow up to believe that she's got it right. After all, their dad never said a word, did he?


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> No Canada.


So sorry to hear that.

_http://www.justanswer.com/canada-law/2dr43-alienation-affection-recognized-canada-law.html__

Alienation of affection is not a category of available tort action in Canada. There has been talk of it for years in the context of one parent turning the children against the other parent, but that's in family law.

I think that the nearest thing would be to bring a tort action for intentional infliction of emotional distress. As I'm sure you know, the courts aren't too keen on such cases and they rarely succeed. 

I don't know how you'd quantify your damages in such a claim as you and your wife are still married. 

I'm sure you've already considered having a Canadian lawyer send him a cease and desist letter. As well, you can block any emails and telephone calls from him quite easily. 

But to answer your question, alienation of affection is not available as a head of relief in Canada as it is in some US states still. _


----------



## happyman64

Actually I would do everything in my power for Ally to have the kids as much as possible.

I would love to see how rich OM handles her children full time as well as Ally.

I bet their love meter would run real low real fast.

Sorry Dinger, that was my other evil twin personality coming to the surface.

Down boy........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

"This man also has more money than I could dream of."

I read this one sentence and it tells me alot more about your exw !!


----------



## bandit.45

jh52 said:


> "This man also has more money than I could dream of."
> 
> I read this one sentence and it tells me alot more about your exw !!


Yep. She thinks the OM is the answer to all her problems. He's loaded and she thinks he's going to take care of her the rest of her life. I see her going for full custody of the children and doing her best to keep Dinger out in the cold. 

Its gonne be fun when the OM turns around and dumps her for a younger model.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

JB100 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I don't understand, looking through all of your old threads and Allybabe's threads, she seemed so remorseful.
> 
> They had a 10 month EA and one night of PA before DDAY 1? And then she tried to reconcile (R) for a year but then what happened?
> 
> She seemed so sincere....
> 
> How long have you guys been married? And your ages?


She did try really hard after dday 2. I give her that. I was to hurt and angry to give back to her what she needed. She had to ride it out untill I was ready to move forward (if I ever was) and she couldn't. She needed a love I couldn't or wasn't ready to give so she ran back to the other man who would give it to her. No regrets though. I was honest about my feelings the whole time. She should have just left and not cheated though.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Yep. She thinks the OM is the answer to all her problems. He's loaded and she thinks he's going to take care of her the rest of her life. I see her going for full custody of the children and doing her best to keep Dinger out in the cold.
> 
> Its gonne be fun when the OM turns around and dumps her for a younger model.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's not model rich. Just steal lower middle class beautiful wives rich. But seriously though I don't think it's the money.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> He's not model rich. Just steal lower middle class beautiful wives rich. But seriously though I don't think it's the money.


Watch your back anyway. She could turn around and go for your throat and try to take you for everything. Don't put it past her.


----------



## mahike

Do not get hung up on the money thing first the kids need a strong moral parent. Sorry your wife has lost out on that one. Your kids need you focus, on that. I know as a Father you put your kids first. you do not want your kids to hurt or want for anything. My friend your wife did neither of those things she was first on the list. That makes for a lousy Mom


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> She did try really hard after dday 2. I give her that. I was to hurt and angry to give back to her what she needed. She had to ride it out untill I was ready to move forward (if I ever was) and she couldn't. She needed a love I couldn't or wasn't ready to give so she ran back to the other man who would give it to her. No regrets though. I was honest about my feelings the whole time. She should have just left and not cheated though.


 I hope you see what's wrong with her in this, right? It sounds like you're blaming yourself for not getting over it fast enough.


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> I don't know what to do. The kids need their mother. The need us to not be at each others throats. They need two happy loving homes. If I fight I might end of losing more of them. This man also has more money than I could dream of. I would be bankrupt fighting this in a week. Then what kind of life could I give them?


Hypergamy? No wonder she found him attractive inspite of his flakiness


----------



## Machiavelli

warlock07 said:


> Hypergamy? No wonder she found him attractive inspite of his flakiness


Saw this years ago with a lady at work. Left family, quit high ranking position with $$ since OM didn't want his new wife working. Unfortunately, that marriage never quite happened. She was back at work about 6 months later.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> I hope you see what's wrong with her in this, right? It sounds like you're blaming yourself for not getting over it fast enough.


Not at all. I felt how I felt. My inability to give her what she needed during R because of the way I felt was definitely one of the issues that led to dday 3. I knew she was struggling with guilt and the lack of her emotional needs not being met. She told me and my answer would be that I could only give what I could give at this point and time would only tell when I could give more. That was to hard on her. Still she should have left and not cheated.


----------



## bandit.45

That's right. She could have divorced you for not healing according to her selfish timeline? 

I'm quickly losing respect brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

We agrees tonight to go straight to divorce and not seperate first. She has agreed to sign the sworn court document saying she committed adultery so I could get an immediate divorce. I'm going to start the process. We also hacked out most of the details of the divorce. Property, assets, custody, etc without going through lawyers. Still not legal yet but the agreement is very fair and I would not change much. It was sad for us but relieving at the same time.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> That's right. She could have divorced you for not healing according to her selfish timeline?
> 
> I'm quickly losing respect brother.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just don't feel the gut wrenching, world falling apart pain that I did after dday 1 and 2. Maybe I checked out after dday 2 .


----------



## bandit.45

Peace. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

But I might tommorow.


----------



## warlock07

Has she answered on why she chose to cheat again? R failed but the lies and cheating are much harder to swallow.

She could say R failed because you could never trust her enough while what she is doig now is the exact reason you couldn't trust her. Don't believe for a minute you could have reconciled successfully if you were more trusting of her after the betrayal!!


----------



## bandit.45

Good shot Warlock. I agree completely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

You know ya gotta hand it to Allybabe for one thing: when she straps herself to a bronc she rides that horse into the ground. You have to admire her tenacity. Neither loving husband or children could keep her from riding for eight. Too bad this bronc is going to carry her into hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Doing it thrice to a man she once loved,? I don't know what to say about it. Once can be a mistake, twice is cruelty, 3 times?


----------



## Beowulf

This thread makes me so very very sad.


----------



## bandit.45

Beowulf said:


> This thread makes me so very very sad.


Its because we knew her. Put our hopes in her. That's why it cuts deeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> Its because we knew her. Put our hopes in her. That's why it cuts deeper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In a way, we also feel betrayed by her.


----------



## lordmayhem

morituri said:


> In a way, we also feel betrayed by her.


:iagree:


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> Not at all. I felt how I felt. My inability to give her what she needed during R because of the way I felt was definitely one of the issues that led to dday 3. I knew she was struggling with guilt and the lack of her emotional needs not being met. She told me and my answer would be that I could only give what I could give at this point and time would only tell when I could give more. That was to hard on her. Still she should have left and not cheated.


There are two scenarios about how I think what really happened:

She and OM merely took a break and planned to resume after the dust from DDay settled down.

OR

As what usually happens, one of them started fishing, one of them responded, then the affair was back on.

Her excuse that you could not give her what she wanted is a bunch of crap, it was just an excuse for her to resume the affair: if it ended at all. If she was truly remorseful, she would have rode it out, that's part of the heavy lifting. She pretended to try for a little bit for appearances sake, but the real goal was to get back together with OM. They're in love, remember?


----------



## Complexity

I think your situation is a classic false reconciliation. I suppose she was more into it than you were and her impatience didn't help. Paradoxical in a way


----------



## Chaparral

lordmayhem said:


> There are two scenarios about how I think what really happened:
> 
> She and OM merely took a break and planned to resume after the dust from DDay settled down.
> 
> OR
> 
> As what usually happens, one of them started fishing, one of them responded, then the affair was back on.
> 
> Her excuse that you could not give her what she wanted is a bunch of crap, it was just an excuse for her to resume the affair: if it ended at all. If she was truly remorseful, she would have rode it out, that's part of the heavy lifting. She pretended to try for a little bit for appearances sake, but the real goal was to get back together with OM. They're in love, remember?


If I commented on ( name that must not be uttered) I would be banned for life.


----------



## aug

lordmayhem said:


> *Her excuse that you could not give her what she wanted is a bunch of crap*, it was just an excuse for her to resume the affair: if it ended at all. If she was truly remorseful, she would have rode it out, that's part of the heavy lifting. She pretended to try for a little bit for appearances sake, but the real goal was to get back together with OM. They're in love, remember?



maybe not. she's probably telling the truth. dingerdad is not as rich as the OM.


----------



## strugglinghusband

aug said:


> maybe not. she's probably telling the truth. dingerdad is not as rich as the OM.


dinger is by far the richer man, he has morals! the OM is a broke bum.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Not at all. I felt how I felt. My inability to give her what she needed during R because of the way I felt was definitely one of the issues that led to dday 3. I knew she was struggling with guilt and the lack of her emotional needs not being met. She told me and my answer would be that I could only give what I could give at this point and time would only tell when I could give more. That was to hard on her. Still she should have left and not cheated.


Not what I meant. 

If she WANTED you, if she had reached actual HUMILITY, she would have stood BY you as you worked through your feelings. She never did. She tapped her foot and got tired of waiting for you to get your shyte together so she could sweep rugs and get on with her life.


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> Has she answered on why she chose to cheat again? R failed but the lies and cheating are much harder to swallow.
> 
> She could say R failed because you could never trust her enough while what she is doig now is the exact reason you couldn't trust her. Don't believe for a minute you could have reconciled successfully if you were more trusting of her after the betrayal!!


I've said that to her to. That she did exactly what I thought she would do which we're the things I could not get past. I told her whenever we talked that it wasn't really a short term trust issue I had if that makes sense. I said that I could not trust that when things go hard between us or in life in general that she wouldn't run again. That's exactly what happened. We had a rough day, got in a fight and she picked up the phone and called him. As soon as she did that and broke NC the marriage was over. It's pattern with her that has been happening even before we were married. I never believed she could break that pattern.


----------



## morituri

I think it is extremely hard for many cheaters to conceptualize the magnitude of the damage they have inflicted and on the daunting task that it will be to create new trust and a new image of themselves in the mind of their betrayed spouses. So it is not surprising that a lot of them, like AllyBabe, simply give up on their marriage and go back to their AP. Of course they naively believe that what they've inflicted on their betrayed spouse will never be inflicted on them by their AP.


----------



## Beowulf

chapparal said:


> If I commented on ( name that must not be uttered) I would be banned for life.


???

Somebody better PM me and tell me who I shouldn't comment on. I don't want to get banned.


----------



## Beowulf

aug said:


> maybe not. she's probably telling the truth. dingerdad is not as rich as the OM.


Call me crazy but I really didn't get the impression that money was what she was looking for in the OM. She didn't seem like that type.


----------



## happyman64

I read ally' s posts. Even she does not know what she is looking for.

How sad is that. One tjcket to the karma bus coming up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

happyman64 said:


> I read ally' s posts. Even she does not know what she is looking for.
> 
> How sad is that. One tjcket to the karma bus coming up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And just because she is/will be with OM -- that search within Ally will continue. She is looking for her happiness from other people and other things -- which is sad -- because all she had to do to find her happiness is look within herself. Unfortunately there are alot of people like Ally.


----------



## strugglinghusband

What is broken within her, the why's of the 1st time, the 2nd,(now a 3rd)were never adressed or given a real chance to be fixed...all on her dinger

I really dont think there was much more you could have done, dont blame yourself, you can spin it a 100 ways from sunday in your mind, did I do enough, should I have been firmer, softer more loving, less loving, more trusting,less trusting etc etc?...always doubts one way or the other.

If you woulda gave her more, it wouldnt have been enough, she would have found some reason to justify it in her own mind that it wasnt, NO MATTER WHAT you did or didnt do....she's just plain ole broken.... shes the only one that can fix her.

Stand tall knowing you did your best at the time, and she didnt want to take the long hard road with you.


----------



## warlock07

The worst part isn't the divorce. Marriages don't work out sometimes. The repeated dishonesty is what gets to me.


I am quoting this again.



> I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact or still have feelings for him. He has every reason to not believe me because after dday1 we did stay in contact just went underground. I once randomly showed my H a text from the OM & played dumb as to hide the continued A from him. ***That is NOT the case now***


How can anyone trust such a person again in any capacity?


----------



## bandit.45

Allybabe has become a pathological liar. She has gotten so used to lying that she lies without realising she is lying, and worse she believes the lies she tells herself: the biggest one being thjat the OM truly loves her and has her best interests at heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> The worst part isn't the divorce. Marriages don't work out sometimes. The repeated dishonesty is what gets to me.
> 
> 
> I am quoting this again.
> 
> 
> 
> How can anyone trust such a person again in any capacity?


I couldn't and can't. That's why I at peace with the divorce.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Allybabe has become a pathological liar. She has gotten so used to lying that she lies without realising she is lying, and worse she believes the lies she tells herself: the biggest one being thjat the OM truly loves her and has her best interests at heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is becoming her mother who even Allybabe admits is a pathological liar. Cycle that has to be broken with my baby girl.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Cycle that has to be broken with my baby girl.


 :smthumbup:
Best thing you've said yet!


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> She is becoming her mother who even Allybabe admits is a pathological liar. Cycle that has to be broken with my baby girl.


Now it makes a lot of sense..

Honestly Dinger is better off without her. Hopefully Ally grows up and finds her happiness at some point without depending on others for it...


----------



## Chaparral

dingerdad said:


> She is becoming her mother who even Allybabe admits is a pathological liar. Cycle that has to be broken with my baby girl.


I know three or four families like that. Its very amusing to hear them tell stories, especially the second or third time around. Its hell to be married to one, I'm sure. My roomate used to tell stories that I was involved in when we were running around. I would always be the most amused waiting for the details to change. Of course I would go along laughing and help him out. He turned out to be divorced after he butt dialed his wife. I firmly believe they lose track of the truth.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Chaparral

dingerdad said:


> She is becoming her mother who even Allybabe admits is a pathological liar. Cycle that has to be broken with my baby girl.


Were either of her parents alcholics?


----------



## dingerdad

chapparal said:


> Were either of her parents alcholics?[/QUOTEn
> No, but her mom's mother was.


----------



## Chaparral

dingerdad said:


> chapparal said:
> 
> 
> 
> Were either of her parents alcholics?[/QUOTEn
> No, but her mom's mother was.
> 
> 
> 
> Children of alcholics develop methods to deal with the problem. Some become liars others may not in the same family. I think the wierdest thing is, they are terrible liars that can't keep a story straight at all. I've noticed another family where there is no alcohol involved but the son lies just like the dad. You literally ahve to verify everything they say.
> 
> It does sound like she has had this trait passed down through generations. Hopefully, you can change this in your daughter though she will be around your wife.
> 
> I would seek out expert advice about how to handle this with your daughter.
Click to expand...


----------



## dingerdad

My daughter is very honest. When she does try to lie she can't even get it out and she starts to cry.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> My daughter is very honest. When she does try to lie she can't even get it out and she starts to cry.


and I hope your daughter never changes -- bless her !!


----------



## dingerdad

It's weird to me that my STBXW lying became so easy for her with regards to her affair. She is usually a fair straight forward and honest person. But now she can lie and not even flinch. As far a regular life goes she's not a big fake story teller or anything. She is extremely mistrusting of me know which I don't quite understand. She is suspicious of everything I suggest during this divorce negotiation.


----------



## lordmayhem

Because your thread is out here in the open and she reads it all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> It's weird to me that my STBXW lying became so easy for her with regards to her affair. She is usually a fair straight forward and honest person. But now she can lie and not even flinch. As far a regular life goes she's not a big fake story teller or anything. She is extremely mistrusting of me know which I don't quite understand. She is suspicious of everything I suggest during this divorce negotiation.


She has become a liar and a cheat !! She has lived the lie for so long that she can't tell the difference anymore when she is lying or telling the truth.

The thing about liars and cheaters -- is that they can't trust anyone. They lie and cheat about things -- so even someone with high morales and is not lying (like yourself) is suspicious in their mind.

Now that she is suspicous about everything you are suggesting during the divorce negotiations --her new lying/cheating morals are starting to show. She can't trust you -- how is she ever going to trust her cheating/lying OM. Guess that is her problem now !!


----------



## iheartlife

dingerdad said:


> It's weird to me that my STBXW lying became so easy for her with regards to her affair. She is usually a fair straight forward and honest person. But now she can lie and not even flinch.


Welcome to Affairland.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

lordmayhem said:


> Because your thread is out here in the open and she reads it all the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't understand?


----------



## snap

She knows the kind of advice you are given, and is afraid you might follow it.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> My daughter is very honest. When she does try to lie she can't even get it out and she starts to cry.


Well we all know who's he takes after Dinger don't we?

You.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> It's weird to me that my STBXW lying became so easy for her with regards to her affair. She is usually a fair straight forward and honest person. But now she can lie and not even flinch. As far a regular life goes she's not a big fake story teller or anything. She is extremely mistrusting of me know which I don't quite understand. She is suspicious of everything I suggest during this divorce negotiation.


 Because people who behave poorly or immorally simply expect that everyone ELSE does, too.


----------



## Acabado

Mistrust on her part? Projection at it's finest. She will bring this in her "new" relationship. After all they are both cheaters, right?


----------



## dingerdad

Right


----------



## bandit.45

Their relationship doesn't stand a chance in hell of surviving more than a couple of years. They will eat each other alive. 

Meanwhile, go out and find yourself a new woman Dinger.


----------



## morituri

Though I'm not a fan of rebound relationships because they bear many of the same negatives traits that affairs have, I do believe that one should start doing some thinking about what to look for - and look out for - in a future mate. I know it may be the farthest thing from your mind at this moment but it is still good to do some reflection on the what made Allybabe a bad choice for YOU as a wife.


----------



## dingerdad

1. Someone who does not cheat on me.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> 1. Someone who does not cheat on me.


Good start...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

2. Someone who is happy and someone who does not make me responsible for their happiness.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> 2. Someone who is happy and someone who does not make me responsible for their happiness.


Good. Keep going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

How about someone who knows her boundaries and doesn't violate them.?


----------



## carpenoctem

someone who knows monogamy is a choice, not a natural state.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

Someone who really feels they deserve being loved, and desires to return that love with mutual respect, honesty and commitment! I know we get side tracked at times in our relationships, however... I do believe happiness within the institution of marriage is possible. 

It... happiness, exist for many out there. The love, respect and commitment are there, also. I see it often. Marriage can be a wonderful journey with someone down the road of life!

It, marriage, can also be pure hell, or worse!


----------



## happyman64

How about someone that has awesome self respect/self esteem in addition to swearing they would never cheat on their significant other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Someone with the emotional maturity to speak up and make her thoughts and feelings known to her husband as well as letting him know that unless the two of them make a sincere effort to resolve the marital issues as a team, that she is willing to end the marriage and mean it.


----------



## morituri

Someone who doesn't believe in the romantic concept of a 'one and only soulmate' and that loving a spouse is a choice.


----------



## turnera

Someone who loves to learn and is ready and willing to read relationship books with you like His Needs Her Needs, so she'll understand what it takes to have a great marriage.


----------



## dingerdad

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> someone who knows that boredom in marriage is guaranteed, and happiness is a fluke.
> 
> someone who knows the importance of a co-traveller in life's journey, even though he does not look like Brad Pit, or is not hung like a horse.


Maybe I look like brad Pitt and am hung like a horse?


----------



## morituri

Someone who is empathetic and who will not be contemptuous and repulsed by your vulnerabilities.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> Maybe I look like brad Pitt and am hung like a horse?


Damn Dinger. Good thing my SIL is still married to my brother otherwise she would be all over you my man.

She loves Brad Pitt and loves horses too!
:lol:


----------



## bandit.45

I bet the OM looks like a horse and would like to have gay sex with Brad Pitt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carpenoctem

bandit.45 said:


> I bet the OM looks like a horse and would like to have gay sex with Brad Pitt
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Bandit:

I hope you are fully recuperated, and living life to the fullest. 

My best wishes to you, and the woman who is lucky enough to be your girl.

Carpe Diem.


----------



## dingerdad

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Bandit:
> 
> I hope you are fully recuperated, and living life to the fullest.
> 
> My best wishes to you, and the woman who is lucky enough to be your girl.
> 
> Carpe Diem.


I'm feeling okay. When camping alone with some friends this weekend but it was hard to enjoy myself because my mind was at home. My STBXW and I are getting along great considering. Trying hard to keep anger, jeoulousy, an conflict at a minimum.

I truly do love this woman. Let me make it clear that i want out of my marriage but am starting to see that we can love each other, be friends, and have a new relationship as co-parents. She has even started to show regret over her decisions and we even talked about her relationship with the OM. She seems to have put more thought into it and is slowing things down with him. She does not want the kids anywhere close to the relationship as well. She has even agreed that we can put something in the settlement about not moving the children out of our town to ease my fears that she's not going to take the kids and rush to live with the OM.

We had an issue last night with her phone. She was in the house and it was beeping constantly. She texted a few times and at one point went outside to make a phone call to the OM. It was really pissing me off but I kept my cool. I wanted to throw the phone in the pond. When I had a chance without the kids around I addressed it. I told her how angry it was making me and how disrespectful I thought it was in more than a few words. She agreed, apologized, and will not communicate with him unless she is in the camper(where she sleeps) or leaves the yard. We live on an acreage so I told her if the high maintenance OM has to talk to her ASAP then to get in her truck and leave the yard. Next time phone goes in pond.

We have to decided to get a legal seperation for awhile before we proceed with the divorce. The are a couple things we have trouble agreeing on. The value of the house is one and to be honest I'm not sure yet if I want to stay on the acreage alone or move into town. A seperation allows us to keep it in both of our names for now allow I will keep living there.

Also the children. We both want equal time an access but want to experiment with the schedule of the children to see what works best for them before a divorce. We think a seperation will allow us more flexibility with that. Everyone on here have a great day


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> am starting to see that we can love each other, be friends, and have a new relationship as co-parents. She has even started to show regret over her decisions and we even talked about her relationship with the OM. She seems to have put more thought into it and is slowing things down with him. She does not want the kids anywhere close to the relationship as well.


It's always amazing to people how, when you take what you are fighting for - keeping the marriage alive - out of the picture, your respect for each other can return. It's when you are on opposite sides of a war that things get ugly. Too bad you can't do that AND stay married.


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> I'm feeling okay. When camping alone with some friends this weekend but it was hard to enjoy myself because my mind was at home. My STBXW and I are getting along great considering. Trying hard to keep anger, jeoulousy, an conflict at a minimum.
> 
> I truly do love this woman. Let me make it clear that i want out of my marriage but am starting to see that we can love each other, be friends, and have a new relationship as co-parents. She has even started to show regret over her decisions and we even talked about her relationship with the OM. She seems to have put more thought into it and is slowing things down with him. She does not want the kids anywhere close to the relationship as well. She has even agreed that we can put something in the settlement about not moving the children out of our town to ease my fears that she's not going to take the kids and rush to live with the OM.
> 
> *We had an issue last night with her phone. She was in the house and it was beeping constantly. She texted a few times and at one point went outside to make a phone call to the OM. It was really pissing me off but I kept my cool. I wanted to throw the phone in the pond. When I had a chance without the kids around I addressed it. I told her how angry it was making me and how disrespectful I thought it was in more than a few words. She agreed, apologized, and will not communicate with him unless she is in the camper(where she sleeps) or leaves the yard. We live on an acreage so I told her if the high maintenance OM has to talk to her ASAP then to get in her truck and leave the yard. Next time phone goes in pond.
> *
> We have to decided to get a legal seperation for awhile before we proceed with the divorce. The are a couple things we have trouble agreeing on. The value of the house is one and to be honest I'm not sure yet if I want to stay on the acreage alone or move into town. A seperation allows us to keep it in both of our names for now allow I will keep living there.
> 
> Also the children. We both want equal time an access but want to experiment with the schedule of the children to see what works best for them before a divorce. We think a seperation will allow us more flexibility with that. Everyone on here have a great day


No offense to retarded people but is she seriously retarded? Repeatedly cheating and then rubbing your affair in your H's face when staying together.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> It's always amazing to people how, when you take what you are fighting for - keeping the marriage alive - out of the picture, your respect for each other can return. It's when you are on opposite sides of a war that things get ugly. Too bad you can't do that AND stay married.


I know what you mean. It actually still feels like we are a family unit. Minus the sex of course. I also don't have to care what she thinks about decisions I make either. The freedom is nice. If I want to go golfing....I go golfing. If I want to to camping I go camping. Everything with no guilt, dirty looks or getting *****ed at.


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> No offense to retarded people but is she seriously retarded? Repeatedly cheating and then rubbing your affair in your H's face when staying together.


It'll be better in 7 days when she moves into her own place. Then she can figure out how two serial cheaters who live in seperate towns can make a relationship work. I'll be enjoying my freedom, loving my kids and keeping an eye out for someone to warm me up at night once in while


----------



## morituri

dingerdad said:


> *and keeping an eye out for someone to warm me up at night once in while *


Do it while she has the kids.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> It'll be better in 7 days when she moves into her own place. Then she can figure out how two serial cheaters who live in seperate towns can make a relationship work. I'll be enjoying my freedom, loving my kids and *keeping an eye out for someone to warm me up at night once in while *


That's the part I like to hear.


----------



## dingerdad

morituri said:


> Do it while she has the kids.


Of course. I can't picture a scenario right now where I would even let my children see me with another woman. The only way I could have a relationship anytime soon would be with a special woman, who is happy, has a life of her own and would understand that the kids will come first. Probably won't happen.


----------



## bandit.45

Work on yourself too. Get out and socialize, work out and get in shape, start eating healthy. Last thing your kids need is for you to get sick now when they need you most. You are the only stable thing in their lives...you cannot count on Allybabe to be there. If the OM calls her to come join him she'll disappear like the wind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> It's always amazing to people how, when you take what you are fighting for - keeping the marriage alive - out of the picture, your respect for each other can return. It's when you are on opposite sides of a war that things get ugly. Too bad you can't do that AND stay married.


I could be way off base here but I think this has a lot to do with making your happiness the responsibility of other people. My wife seems more friendly and content with me than she has in a long time. Could be because all she needs from me to be "happy" is to continue being a good dad, have a good relationship for the kids and agree to a fair settlement in the divorce so she feels financially secure on her own. Everything else she needed from me to be "happy" are no longer my responsibility. She's either going to have to realize that she is responsible for her own "happiness" or she'll make it the OM's responsibility and the cycle will continue.
Maybe there is a flip side to this as well. In R I was thinking about everything she could do so that I could feel "happy" again and not taking enough steps to work on myself. 
Now that we've taken all this responsibility off of the other person things are good. Tension will probably only arise now when one of us feel the other one is not doing what's best for the kids or possibly when we feel financial stain or stress because of the divorce.....and probably when/if I see the OM or her with him. I am still a betrayed husband that is human.


----------



## morituri

dingerdad said:


> The only way I could have a relationship anytime soon would be with a special woman, who is happy, has a life of her own and would understand that the kids will come first. *Probably won't happen.*


Oh you'd be surprise how wrong you are. There are plenty of single women, divorced mothers, out there who admire a man who puts his kids first and would love to have an FWB (friends with benefits) relationship with him.


----------



## happyman64

Mori is right dinger. My buddy in Tenn. Divorced his wayward wife. He has 2 girls that are6&4.

He is a fulltime Dad. The ladies are all over him. He was divorced Mar 28th. He does not even go looking for love.
I warned him when he was in the D that he would like 100% prime beef to the ladies and he doubted me.

And the kicker is his exwife rents a room across the street from his house and goes nuts watching all the activity.

She is always blowing up his phone.

Better days are coming Dinger. The shoe will be on Allys other foot sooner rather than later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Mark my words,

Allybabe is in the mindset now that she and the OM are going to live happily ever after, and she is fully accepting that Dinger will move on and find a new woman.

But when she actually sees him with a new woman you can bet she'll sing a different tune, especially when she finds the polyamorous relationship between her, the OM and the OMW is not the flowery vision she thought it would be.


----------



## jh52

They don't want you -- but they don't want anyone else to want you either.


----------



## morituri

bandido is right, it happened to me *a year and a half* after my divorce was finalized. All I could think of was :wtf:


----------



## bandit.45

jh52 said:


> They don't want you -- but they don't want anyone else to want you either.


Its the Dogbone Syndrome. We see it all the time. 

A female dog gets through chewing her bone and tires of it so she buries it. 

Another female comes along and digs the bone up, happy as hell to have found it. But the first dog has been watching from under the nearby hedge and runs over and growls at the new dog, trying to get the bone back from her.

The first dog didn't want the bone any longer, but she doesn't want any other dog to have it.


----------



## turnera

My male dog does that all the time with his little brother. Leaves the toys alone until the other dog wants it, then bam! NO one gets near it!


----------



## dingerdad

I'm having a great day. Things are falling into place. My STBXW agreed on somethings that we were still trying to figure out before we see lawyer tommorow. Very fair agreement. Last night she also agreed that we would put in the agreement that our home town will be the kids hometown unless we together decide move them. I know she can't without going to court but this eases my fears of her bolting with the kids to the OM who lives in another town.
Also some of the household stuff and furniture I will need after she leaves is falling in my lap. Looking like I'm gonna be ok.


----------



## bandit.45

Keep as much as you can and back it up in the divorce agreement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Get everything in writing and recorded, because I guarantee a couple of years down the road, after Ally has settled in with the OP, and the blooms fall off the bush and all that's left are thorns, she will be complaining to everyone how you railroaded her into giving up more than she should have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> I'm having a great day. Things are falling into place. My STBXW agreed on somethings that we were still trying to figure out before we see lawyer tommorow. Very fair agreement. Last night she also agreed that we would put in the agreement that our home town will be the kids hometown unless we together decide move them. I know she can't without going to court but this eases my fears of her bolting with the kids to the OM who lives in another town.
> Also some of the household stuff and furniture I will need after she leaves is falling in my lap. Looking like I'm gonna be ok.


Dinger,

You sound upbeat and I guess getting some of the S & D resolved is a weight off your shoulders.

I just wanted you to know that I said a prayer for you and your entire family (including Ally) that you find peace after all this mess that you did not ask for.

HM64


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Dinger,
> 
> You sound upbeat and I guess getting some of the S & D resolved is a weight off your shoulders.
> 
> I just wanted you to know that I said a prayer for you and your entire family (including Ally) that you find peace after all this mess that you did not ask for.
> 
> HM64


Thank you. My fathers a minister so we get lots of prayers but more is always better.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Get everything in writing and recorded, because I guarantee a couple of years down the road, after Ally has settled in with the OP, and the blooms fall off the bush and all that's left are thorns, she will be complaining to everyone how you railroaded her into giving up more than she should have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does not really what she says about me. It will never be as bad as what people are saying or thinking about her. We live in small town so this will follow her for the rest of her life. I'm not looking forward to the day when the kids go to school and come home and asked what their mon did.


----------



## dingerdad

Lawyer day for us. Drafting seperation agreement. Feeling kinda low now. Just keep telling myself what she has done to me and what I want in the future.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Lawyer day for us. Drafting seperation agreement. Feeling kinda low now. Just keep telling myself what she has done to me and what I want in the future.


Good thoughts for today Dinger !!


----------



## turnera

Think of all the women out there just waiting to be asked out.


----------



## happyman64

Just stick to your guns dinger. She is the one walking out not you.
You are in my thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

dingerdad said:


> Lawyer day for us. Drafting seperation agreement. Feeling kinda low now. Just keep telling myself what she has done to me and what I want in the future.


Think of it is as beginning the upgrade process to a much better woman.


----------



## dingerdad

Ugh...back from lawyer. Feeling ****ty. Gonna be so cash poor when this done. Going straight to divorce again. Shared custody with kids and child support is fine though. My wife was nice enough to get all dolled up to go see lawyer which happens to be close to where her new man lives. She does not even respect me enough to wait untill she's in her new place before jumping on the new wagon. It's awesome laying in my bed with my kids in the morning while my wife it having an extra long shower shaving her legs and whatnot to go meet another man. She thinks there's nothing wrong with this and says she just wants to be honest with me when she tells me she wants to go see him after lawyer. Awesome. I wish she would leave. 16th is supposed to be the day. I need her gone.


----------



## DailyGrind

dingerdad said:


> Ugh...back from lawyer. Feeling ****ty. Gonna be so cash poor when this done. Going straight to divorce again. Shared custody with kids and child support is fine though. My wife was nice enough to get all dolled up to go see lawyer which happens to be close to where her new man lives. She does not even respect me enough to wait untill she's in her new place before jumping on the new wagon. *It's awesome laying in my bed with my kids in the morning while my wife it having an extra long shower shaving her legs and whatnot to go meet another man.* She thinks there's nothing wrong with this and says she just wants to be honest with me when she tells me she wants to go see him after lawyer. Awesome. I wish she would leave. 16th is supposed to be the day. I need her gone.


Wow. The highlighted above would truly smash my heart. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Six more days, my friend. Count them down. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Her karma bus is really revving up, right now.


----------



## turnera

I hope you're documenting all these escapades. Just in case you can use them in court.


----------



## Shaggy

I think next time she is in the shower you should walk around and flush all the toilets at once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

" 16th is supposed to be the day"

Is there a chance she will be in the camper longer than the 16th ??


----------



## Chaparral

dingerdad said:


> Ugh...back from lawyer. Feeling ****ty. Gonna be so cash poor when this done. Going straight to divorce again. Shared custody with kids and child support is fine though. My wife was nice enough to get all dolled up to go see lawyer which happens to be close to where her new man lives. She does not even respect me enough to wait untill she's in her new place before jumping on the new wagon. It's awesome laying in my bed with my kids in the morning while my wife it having an extra long shower shaving her legs and whatnot to go meet another man. She thinks there's nothing wrong with this and says she just wants to be honest with me when she tells me she wants to go see him after lawyer. Awesome. I wish she would leave. 16th is supposed to be the day. I need her gone.


She doesn't know what honesty is or anything else for that matter.


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> Ugh...back from lawyer. Feeling ****ty. Gonna be so cash poor when this done. Going straight to divorce again. Shared custody with kids and child support is fine though. My wife was nice enough to get all dolled up to go see lawyer which happens to be close to where her new man lives. She does not even respect me enough to wait untill she's in her new place before jumping on the new wagon. It's awesome laying in my bed with my kids in the morning while my wife it having an extra long shower shaving her legs and whatnot to go meet another man. She thinks there's nothing wrong with this and says she just wants to be honest with me when she tells me she wants to go see him after lawyer. Awesome. I wish she would leave. 16th is supposed to be the day. I need her gone.


What a piece of work Allybabe is!! I can't find one good redeeming feature about your STBXW. Honest, decency, shame, self respect, nothing!!! I am not sure how you are handling all this...


----------



## Chaparral

Shaggy said:


> I think next time she is in the shower you should walk around and flush all the toilets at once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Turn the water heater down, my partner did that and stopped his kids from dilly dallying immediately. Of course he had no idea what was wrong. 

:rofl:


----------



## Chaparral

warlock07 said:


> What a piece of work Allybabe is!! I can't find one good redeeming feature about your STBXW. Honest, decency, shame, self respect, nothing!!! I am not sure how you are handling all this...


Well the upside is, there are a whole lot of things not to miss.


----------



## happyman64

Patience Dinger. Patience.

You are such a good Dad and man.

A few more days will not matter.

Ally will be getting that STD any day now!

Karma will be paying her a visit soon.......


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> " 16th is supposed to be the day"
> 
> Is there a chance she will be in the camper longer than the 16th ??


Yes. She has no money to get a place. I'm not/can't give her the money she needs to get the place she wants and get a vehicle untill we have an agreement. I need one number to go to the bank with and get a lump sum to buy her out.


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> What a piece of work Allybabe is!! I can't find one good redeeming feature about your STBXW. Honest, decency, shame, self respect, nothing!!! I am not sure how you are handling all this...


I feel like a bomb


----------



## dingerdad

Thought of the perfect analogy for how i feel about STBXW today. Loving her is like loving an achololic. She hurts me, our kids and everyone else that cares about her with her actions. We all watch her hurt herself and feel pain. Most of the time she is drunk and I want to be as far away from her as possible but at the few times she's sober she is the woman I love. There comes a time though when you realize if you don't cut yourself off from the drunk they will keep hurting you and drag you down as well. I still love the drunk but from a distance. If the drunk ever realize's what she had done and stay's sober I will forgive her but she will never be in the position to hurt me again.


----------



## bandit.45

Man I'm crying right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

chapparal said:


> Turn the water heater down, my partner did that and stopped his kids from dilly dallying immediately. Of course he had no idea what was wrong.
> 
> :rofl:



work/business partner?


----------



## jh52

Dinger -- I don't mean these words to hurt you more -- but I hope that since she went to see OM after the lawyer -- that he will give her the money to pay for her place and vehicle and she can move out before or on the 16th.


----------



## dingerdad

She never went to see him something came up. I don't think she would take money even if he offered. She wants to do the financial stuff on her own I think.


----------



## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> Man I'm crying right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too.


----------



## Acabado

She mistakes "telling the truth" (finnaly) with honesty. And then mistakes honesty with integrity. It's even unaesthetic. Very sad.


----------



## aug

Acabado said:


> She mistakes "telling the truth" (finnaly) with honesty. And then mistakes honesty with integrity. It's even unaesthetic. Very sad.



That's insightful.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> Thought of the perfect analogy for how i feel about STBXW today. Loving her is like loving an achololic. She hurts me, our kids and everyone else that cares about her with her actions. We all watch her hurt herself and feel pain. Most of the time she is drunk and I want to be as far away from her as possible but at the few times she's sober she is the woman I love. There comes a time though when you realize if you don't cut yourself off from the drunk they will keep hurting you and drag you down as well. I still love the drunk but from a distance. If the drunk ever realize's what she had done and stay's sober I will forgive her but she will never be in the position to hurt me again.


This is a tough lesson learned Dinger. I just hope Ally learns it too before she drinks her whole life away, your life away and her kids life away.

She has no clue what she is throwing away. But most unremorseful cheaters do not.

Get you and the kids to a better place in life.


----------



## Complexity

I must commend your composure throughout all of this dinger.


----------



## dingerdad

Complexity said:


> I must commend your composure throughout all of this dinger.


It's my third time through this with STBXW so ive had my practice time. Now real life starts soon as a single father. That I have no practice for....


----------



## dingerdad

Had a good talk with STBXW last night. I cried, she cried. Talked a lot about how we got to where we are and how we go forward. I told her about the things that she was doing that was bothering me especially in regards to the OM. She said it wasn't her intent at all to rub it in my face but she didn't want to lie anymore. She asked me what I wanted in regards to this. I told her to respect me enough to wait untill she moves out and hide it from me like she did before. I don't need to know what's happening with them. We talked some more about everything pretty much how the relationship went from dday-2 untill now. We even got to a point where she asked me what I needed from her. I didn't really have and answer. I want her to stay and I want her to go. I wanted to wrap my arms around when she was crying and tell her if she would let me I would fix everything...but I know that's not reality. It's gone to far. Divorce is settled, lawyer drafting it up to sign. She is getting ready to move. To much has been said to cause hurt from both sides that can't be taken back. Friends and family have been divided and angered. Kids have been prepped for what is about to happen to their family. Our jobs have been patient and understanding while we go through this again. Trust has been destroyed on both sides. She hates herself for what she has done to me. I wish I could go back and help her with the heavy lifting after dday 2 because I never realized how much guilt and pain she was in. I think both of us would use a time machine to go back about two years and start again together. Anybody got one?


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> Had a good talk with STBXW last night. I cried, she cried. Talked a lot about how we got to where we are and how we go forward. I told her about the things that she was doing that was bothering me especially in regards to the OM. She said it wasn't her intent at all to rub it in my face but she didn't want to lie anymore. She asked me what I wanted in regards to this. I told her to respect me enough to wait untill she moves out and hide it from me like she did before. I don't need to know what's happening with them. We talked some more about everything pretty much how the relationship went from dday-2 untill now. We even got to a point where she asked me what I needed from her. I didn't really have and answer. I want her to stay and I want her to go. I wanted to wrap my arms around when she was crying and tell her if she would let me I would fix everything...but I know that's not reality. It's gone to far. Divorce is settled, lawyer drafting it up to sign. She is getting ready to move. To much has been said to cause hurt from both sides that can't be taken back. Friends and family have been divided and angered. Kids have been prepped for what is about to happen to their family. Our jobs have been patient and understanding while we go through this again. Trust has been destroyed on both sides. She hates herself for what she has done to me. I wish I could go back and help her with the heavy lifting after dday 2 because I never realized how much guilt and pain she was in. I think both of us would use a time machine to go back about two years and start again together. Anybody got one?


Sadly its only when we are on the verge of losing everything that we start to realize what exactly we are in fact losing. I think you and Allybabe are now at that point. You both realize that things could have been different, bad decisions, selfishness and horrible mistakes could have been avoided. Your words indicate that you feel too much has transpired to make it right. Her asking what you need seems like it was said more out of guilt than out of remorse. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you but better times are ahead.


----------



## warlock07

> I wish I could go back and help her with the heavy lifting after dday 2 because I never realized how much guilt and pain she was in.



No, let us not go back there. She is an adult remember. Don't doubt yourself. t is called heavy lifting for a reason. I agree with Beowulf. It was said out of guilt, not remorse. Remember, she was back from meeting with the OM. She moved on so easily because she already left you sometime back. You are the only one feeling regret in this scenario. She just has guilt from hurting someone she loved previously and had kids with. Nothing is left to salvage here. You keep re-engaging to find some closure and she is using it to fill in with excuses.


----------



## jh52

Here are a few things that came to mind when she asked what she can do for you:

1) respect you as a human being, a man and the father of her children

2) always be their for her kids -- they should be her #1 priority always == over OM as well

3) get a place -- move out and start her new lfe ASAP so you can get off this emotional roller coaster as you still see her everyday -- it's like nothing has changed

4) co-parent well with you


----------



## vi_bride04

I'm sorry dinger. I had similar talks with STBXH many times in the weeks leading up to me moving out. 

It really sucks when you just get to the point of both realizing things are a lost cause for the most part. Its sad BUT it does help bring more closure, IMO. At least it did for me...

Hang in there, things will get better for you.


----------



## Shaggy

5) Tell her to stop the crocodile sorrys about how she hates herself for doing this to you. Hate is a very strong feeling and motivator. If she truly hated herself for doing it, she wouldn't.

So ask her to stop that set of lies. they only serve to make her look like less of a monster, but her actions overrule any of these words.


----------



## aug

dingerdad said:


> Friends and family have been divided and angered. Kids have been prepped for what is about to happen to their family. Our jobs have been patient and understanding while we go through this again. Trust has been destroyed on both sides. *She hates herself for what she has done to me.* I wish I could go back and help her with the heavy lifting after dday 2 because *I never realized how much guilt and pain she was in*. I think both of us would use a time machine to go back about two years and start again together. Anybody got one?



Really? So, she continues to be in this "guilt and pain" situation?

I would think she's looking forward because she knows/thinks she'll be in a much better position than she was in -- you know, a "little pain for some gain" outlook.

I would think people do not cross the "guilt and pain" barrier if it was sufficiently significant.


----------



## dingerdad

Beowulf said:


> Sadly its only when we are on the verge of losing everything that we start to realize what exactly we are in fact losing. I think you and Allybabe are now at that point. You both realize that things could have been different, bad decisions, selfishness and horrible mistakes could have been avoided. Your words indicate that you feel too much has transpired to make it right. Her asking what you need seems like it was said more out of guilt than out of remorse. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you but better times are ahead.


Definitely a lot of guilt. Some remorse. She is not sorry for leaving the marriage. Just the way she left.


----------



## bandit.45

Who cares how she feels? 

Find a way to get her or yourself out of there.


----------



## happyman64

And Dinger please do not forget that Ally is in a relationship with a man that is destroying his family too!

So she knows fully what she is doing. The "I'm sorry's" are not for you. They are for her to make herself feel better.

We all know that nothing will come of their relationship in the long run. That relationship is doomed 2 and 3 times over.

Separate yourself from her and all her nonsense.

You will find peace in a few months when the dust settles, the kids get settled and hopefully your extended families will settle down as well.

We know you are hurting but you have to keep yourself detached from Ally. Her path of destruction is not for you or your children.

It is time to fully man up DInger and walk away from your marriage. That choice has been taken away from you by Ally's actions.

And she knows it.

HM64


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> No, let us not go back there. She is an adult remember. Don't doubt yourself. t is called heavy lifting for a reason. I agree with Beowulf. It was said out of guilt, not remorse. Remember, she was back from meeting with the OM. She moved on so easily because she already left you sometime back. You are the only one feeling regret in this scenario. She just has guilt from hurting someone she loved previously and had kids with. Nothing is left to salvage here. You keep re-engaging to find some closure and she is using it to fill in with excuses.


I agree with most of this but I question some of the advice given in this form about heavy lifting or I may have followed it wrong. For future couples maybe we should discuss it. I was feeling all the terrible feelings a bs goes through. Struggling big time but never thinking about leaving my wife. Passing thoughts but I loved her. She was destroying herself with guilt and at the time bending over backwards to earn my trust, forgiveness and affection back. I wasn't ready to give back and maybe I thought because I was suffering she had to suffer also. She had to do the heavy lifting and deal untill I was ready. I know she's a weak person emotionally and not as strong as me in that way. I'm just saying maybe i should have dug deeper to give something back when she told me she was struggling (which she did)instead of just saying she caused this now she has to do the heavy lifting untill I felt better, never being able to tell her when and if that would ever have happen.


----------



## dingerdad

vi_bride04 said:


> I'm sorry dinger. I had similar talks with STBXH many times in the weeks leading up to me moving out.
> 
> It really sucks when you just get to the point of both realizing things are a lost cause for the most part. Its sad BUT it does help bring more closure, IMO. At least it did for me...
> 
> Hang in there, things will get better for you.


It does bring closure when both realize they can't figure out a path back no matter how much they wish they could.


----------



## bandit.45

Yeah... you're right Dinger....it's your fault...

Sigh.......


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> Definitely a lot of guilt. Some remorse. She is not sorry for leaving the marriage. Just the way she left.


She is not your friend. She does not deserve one speck of your your respect. She is just a co-parent. Don't waste your emotions on her. Don't waste one more tear on her. Consider her a zombie that you have to interact at some superficial level. Hard 180. No more of these talks. Keep interaction to a minimum.


----------



## dingerdad

aug said:


> Really? So, she continues to be in this "guilt and pain" situation?
> 
> I would think she's looking forward because she knows/thinks she'll be in a much better position than she was in -- you know, a "little pain for some gain" outlook.
> 
> I would think people do not cross the "guilt and pain" barrier if it was sufficiently significant.


She wants to start a new life to find "happiness". She says this a lot.


----------



## dingerdad

Aghh. This sucks. Your all right, I know it. Part of me is still trying to find a way back through this mess. I am a good father. I was a good husband. I loved my wife but wasn't perfect and marriage isn't a fairy tale.


----------



## happyman64

She is a coward Dinger because if you were still there for her she could have found tbat happiness with you again.
Instead she took the easy way out. And resumed the A.

Weak or not she took the easy way out.

There are many ways to find happiness. But they all start from within......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mahike

Dinger, I can understand the pain you are feeling but do not take on the guilt. That is hers and hers alone. You can be sad as to what has happened to your kids and your family but do not take on the guilt.


----------



## morituri

Dinger, I hate saying this but you are still fulfilling her so called 'emotional need' for attention. Of course you want to have a civil relationship with her before and after the divorce for the sake of your children, but cheating spouses - women in particular - have a tendency to want to become 'friends' with their betrayed spouses after the divorce, but only because they want to feel better about themselves. She is your STBXW and thus any 'emotional need' for attention should fall on the OM and not you. In fact, all of her 'emotional needs' should be taken care of by the OM.

The sooner your start to emotionally detach from her and living your life at though she is nothing more than your children's babysitter, the sooner your emotional recovery and healing can begin. So stop this 'closure' crap and start detaching from her.


----------



## snap

Dinger, stop blaming yourself. Just because there were two of you in the marriage, doesn't mean both have to be responsible.

Appendix IV: Fallacies


----------



## bandit.45

*180*


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> I agree with most of this but I question some of the advice given in this form about heavy lifting or I may have followed it wrong. For future couples maybe we should discuss it. I was feeling all the terrible feelings a bs goes through. Struggling big time but never thinking about leaving my wife. Passing thoughts but I loved her. She was destroying herself with guilt and at the time bending over backwards to earn my trust, forgiveness and affection back. I wasn't ready to give back and maybe I thought because I was suffering she had to suffer also. She had to do the heavy lifting and deal untill I was ready. I know she's a weak person emotionally and not as strong as me in that way. I'm just saying maybe i should have dug deeper to give something back when she told me she was struggling (which she did)instead of just saying she caused this now she has to do the heavy lifting untill I felt better, never being able to tell her when and if that would ever have happen.


I think back to my reconciliation and what Morrigan had to do in order to convince me to stay with her. She really had to do all the heavy lifting for the first three months because I really didn't want to reconcile. I was just waiting for her to screw up again so I could say I tried even when I really didn't. Realize that she was doing this after she admitted to me on D-Day that she did NOT love me and loved the OM. But she knew she had to be strong and she was doggedly determined not to fail. At about the 3 month mark I exploded on her and began mentally abusing her. She still held fast all the while I was berating her, calling her a s1ut, a wh0re, and every other name you can think of. After her breakdown she still continued to do the heavy lifting. It was only then that I really started working at R.

You did nothing wrong. You could NOT have done the heavy lifting. If Allybabe was sincere in her remorse and really wanted to reconcile she would not have given up so easily. Yes you probably contributed to pre-affair marital issues. But you did not betray her trust. You did not betray your vows. You did not betray your family. *She* did that and unless *she* was willing to repair the damage *she* caused reconciliation was not going to succeed. That is what consequences are and without consequences nobody can truly learn and grow.


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> She wants to start a new life to find "happiness". She says this a lot.


I'm hoping she will but I'm guessing she won't. 

Someone that will try to find happiness over the grave of their family most likely never will


----------



## jh52

Dinger -- stop kicking yourself in the ass. You may have been responsible for some issues in the marriage -- but your exw has to be totally accountable and responsible for her affair -- and the 3 d-days. 

If she wanted -- she could have stopped after the 1st d-day -- but didn't -- and had two more.

She has to find happiness within herself -- and after 3 d days with OM my guess is that she still has no clue about where to look/find her happiness.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Oh she'll find her happiness, then when the novelty of her wears off and the OM dumps her ass. She'll find that happiness is just a state of mind.

You let her be happy now.


----------



## Complexity

Dinger, if she would've wanted a divorce outright because of your emotional coldness and not went back to the OM, I would've agreed with you, you should've given back a little. 

However the fact she went back to him knowing how much you resent this man and once again cheated on you, suggests her remorse and guilt was all an act. She should've developed a new set of morals that accompanies that remorse and guilt. I don't know, maybe this blows apart the whole "fog" theory.


----------



## warlock07

It will be fun if the OM sees the posts she made about him.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Complexity said:


> Dinger, if she would've wanted a divorce outright because of your emotional coldness and not went back to the OM, I would've agreed with you, you should've given back a little.
> 
> However the fact she went back to him knowing how much you resent this man and once again cheated on you, suggests her remorse and guilt was all an act. She should've developed a new set of morals that accompanies that remorse and guilt. I don't know, maybe this blows apart the whole "fog" theory.


Cakeeaters are hardly ever foggy. And she's one of those that don't realize the cake's gone until it is


----------



## Beowulf

Complexity said:


> Dinger, if she would've wanted a divorce outright because of your emotional coldness and not went back to the OM, I would've agreed with you, you should've given back a little.
> 
> However the fact she went back to him knowing how much you resent this man and once again cheated on you, suggests her remorse and guilt was all an act. She should've developed a new set of morals that accompanies that remorse and guilt. I don't know, maybe this blows apart the whole "fog" theory.


Actually it doesn't. What it says is that she never really detached from the OM in her mind. She was never serious about reconciliation. She only wanted to alleviate her guilt. She was still acting from selfish interests so she never got out of the fog. We've seen many instances where a WS detached from the OM and came out of the fog but couldn't or wouldn't do the work necessary to reconcile successfully. But even after the divorce they never returned to the OM. Then there are others like Allybabe and Hunger who never leave the OM in their hearts and minds. They never try to see out of the fog so it never clears.


----------



## warlock07

Now she is just trying to act good to dinger so that she can feel better about herself.(Her talk about honesty)


----------



## Beowulf

warlock07 said:


> Now she is just trying to act good to dinger so that she can feel better about herself.(Her talk about honesty)


Exactly, just more self serving guilt alleviation.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> It's my third time through this with STBXW so ive had my practice time. Now real life starts soon as a single father. That I have no practice for....


 Women love involved (with their kids) single fathers...


----------



## bandit.45

Beowulf said:


> Exactly, just more self serving guilt alleviation.


Girls learn that "gee, we can still be friends" fraud from other girls when they are in high school, and they continue it on into their adult lives. 

I wish they would just stop that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Definitely a lot of guilt. Some remorse. She is not sorry for leaving the marriage. Just the way she left.


 Translation: She's sorry she got outed and LOOKS BAD as she leaves the marriage.


----------



## Complexity

Beowulf said:


> Actually it doesn't. What it says is that she never really detached from the OM in her mind. She was never serious about reconciliation. She only wanted to alleviate her guilt. She was still acting from selfish interests so she never got out of the fog. We've seen many instances where a WS detached from the OM and came out of the fog but couldn't or wouldn't do the work necessary to reconcile successfully. But even after the divorce they never returned to the OM. Then there are others like Allybabe and Hunger who never leave the OM in their hearts and minds. They never try to see out of the fog so it never clears.


That's the whole problem. Alleybabe was doing alot of work but Dinger wasn't receptive to it and understandably so. Even if she detached from the OM, why does that invalidate her previous indiscretions as merely "fog work". Maybe the OM was better than dinger in every possible way and technically speaking, a better partner for her, is the fog argument still applicable then? 

I'm not trying to get into a philosophical argument but I just find it incredibly disingenuous when people have an affair and pacify their actions on the fog. Yes I understand the "fog" doesn't excuse their actions but at the same time, it puts the BS in an awkward position where they have to essentially concede that their cheating spouse "wasn't really themselves" so they should forgive them. I'm not really sure about that.

And regarding selfish interests, isn't it in the selfish interest of the cheating spouse to reconcile and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when the AP doesn't turn out to be what they expected, and that they could potentially lose the "better partner". I've seen alot of stories here of people reconciling only because the AP couldn't match up to their spouse, so does it mean they settled or they came out of the fog?


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> I agree with most of this but I question some of the advice given in this form about heavy lifting or I may have followed it wrong. For future couples maybe we should discuss it. I was feeling all the terrible feelings a bs goes through. Struggling big time but never thinking about leaving my wife. Passing thoughts but I loved her. She was destroying herself with guilt and at the time bending over backwards to earn my trust, forgiveness and affection back. I wasn't ready to give back and maybe I thought because I was suffering she had to suffer also. She had to do the heavy lifting and deal untill I was ready. I know she's a weak person emotionally and not as strong as me in that way. I'm just saying maybe i should have dug deeper to give something back when she told me she was struggling (which she did)instead of just saying she caused this now she has to do the heavy lifting untill I felt better, never being able to tell her when and if that would ever have happen.


 If anything, what you should have done is gone to a counselor to let THEM judge if the two of you were being real and adjust therapy as needed.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> She wants to start a new life to find "happiness". She says this a lot.


Translation: She is sick and tired of people telling her what a GOOD person would do when she has no intention of ever BEING a good person - but she sure as hell wants to be CONSIDERED a good person, so she's going to keep running from those people who won't just admire her for who she is.

My DD21 has a friend who openly admits she has low morals, is now waffling between living with her lover and living with her husband and baby daddy - whoever treats her better at the moment. DD21 is rightly disgusted and pretty much blew her off.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> Women love involved (with their kids) single fathers...


Really? I never would have thought that. Why?


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> If anything, what you should have done is gone to a counselor to let THEM judge if the two of you were being real and adjust therapy as needed.


We did. I stopped going because I didn't want to or was not ready for the changes/work she was asking me to do. She didn't seem to understand the pain and anger I was going through. She wanted to deal with the marriage issues. It kinda made me mad. STBXW says that this when I gave up on us. I don't know if that's true or not. I know I never would have left but I don't know if I ever would have been a good husband again.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Really? I never would have thought that. Why?


You're kidding, right?

*sigh*

Because women are nesters. When they see a man who COULD be out drinking with the boys but who is instead taking their kids to the park...well...wow, now THAT is great husband material!


----------



## Shaggy

dingerdad said:


> She wants to start a new life to find "happiness". She says this a lot.


Which is 100% fog talk. Happiness cannot come after destroying two families. In her twisted fantasy you and your family will eventually give up this silly hatred of her cheating and learn to not only accept it, but love it, be happy for her, and welcome the OM. You'll all rent beautiful cottages on beach front islands and drink white wine while laughing and living the high life.

I'm afraid your attempts at talking with her and being civil are fueling this fantasy further. She sees your acceptance of D as part of your journey where you end up happy for her.

I bet she honestly thinks you'll even be fiends and buddies afterwards.

Why would or could anyone be friends with someone who cheated on them? Why would they ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> We did. I stopped going because I didn't want to or was not ready for the changes/work she was asking me to do. She didn't seem to understand the pain and anger I was going through. She wanted to deal with the marriage issues. It kinda made me mad. STBXW says that this when I gave up on us. I don't know if that's true or not. I know I never would have left but I don't know if I ever would have been a good husband again.


 What did MC say that Ally was supposed to do, during that time?


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> We did. I stopped going because I didn't want to or was not ready for the changes/work she was asking me to do. She didn't seem to understand the pain and anger I was going through. She wanted to deal with the marriage issues. It kinda made me mad. STBXW says that this when I gave up on us. I don't know if that's true or not. I know I never would have left but I don't know if I ever would have been a good husband again.


So maybe you are a man that cannot get past a betrayal of this magnitude. Why is that bad? Can't you simply say that you tried but never felt that you'd be able to trust her again? I'm not sure why that is a problem. We're all different.

I also do have to take exception to her saying that she gave up because you wouldn't move forward. Since when is reconciliation done on her time table? If she were truly remorseful not only would she still be working to try to win you back but she would NOT have gone back to the man that destroyed the husband and family she CLAIMS to love so much. I can understand if this had been years since D-Day and you still hadn't come back to the marriage emotionally. I could even somewhat understand if she just didn't feel capable of doing the work necessary to repair the damage she caused. But to go back to the man that helped her cause this terrible destruction? No. She is just blame-shifting again to assuage her own guilt. Not buying it.


----------



## bandit.45

Beowulf said:


> I also do have to take exception to her saying that she gave up because you wouldn't move forward.* Since when is reconciliation done on her time table*? If she were truly remorseful not only would she still be working to try to win you back but she would NOT have gone back to the man that destroyed the husband and family she CLAIMS to love so much. I can understand if this had been years since D-Day and you still hadn't come back to the marriage emotionally. I could even somewhat understand if she just didn't feel capable of doing the work necessary to repair the damage she caused. *But to go back to the man that helped her cause this terrible destruction? No. She is just blame-shifting again to assuage her own guilt. Not buying it*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Beowulf

Complexity said:


> That's the whole problem. Alleybabe was doing alot of work but Dinger wasn't receptive to it and understandably so. Even if she detached from the OM, why does that invalidate her previous indiscretions as merely "fog work". Maybe the OM was better than dinger in every possible way and technically speaking, a better partner for her, is the fog argument still applicable then?
> 
> I'm not trying to get into a philosophical argument but I just find it incredibly disingenuous when people have an affair and pacify their actions on the fog. Yes I understand the "fog" doesn't excuse their actions but at the same time, it puts the BS in an awkward position where they have to essentially concede that their cheating spouse "wasn't really themselves" so they should forgive them. I'm not really sure about that.
> 
> And regarding selfish interests, isn't it in the selfish interest of the cheating spouse to reconcile and feel an overwhelming sense of guilt when the AP doesn't turn out to be what they expected, and that they could potentially lose the "better partner". I've seen alot of stories here of people reconciling only because the AP couldn't match up to their spouse, so does it mean they settled or they came out of the fog?


You're once again confusing the term fog. Its not an excuse! Its an explanation for how the human mind justifies the affair while its ongoing. It temporarily clouds the judgement so that the individual can ignore the big picture. It doesn't stop the cheater from doing the right thing. It just rationalizes things so they can continue doing the wrong thing. If Allybabe's OM is indeed a better partner for her than Dinger then why did she even pretend to attempt R. Why isn't she living happily ever after with her AP? Why is she so guilty even if it is self serving? The truth is that APs are never better than the actual spouses because they are a fantasy. Once they solidify into a reality they can never measure up to what the cheater has lost.


----------



## morituri

turnera said:


> You're kidding, right?
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> Because women are nesters. When they see a man who COULD be out drinking with the boys but who is instead taking their kids to the park...well...wow, now THAT is great husband material!


While I agree with this, to a certain extent, it doesn't mean that the man who is viewed as 'husband material' is equally viewed as 'lover material' by many women. Sadly many wives do not view their husbands as their lovers but simply as the father of their children. And they don't necessarily are unfaithful women like AllyBabe.


----------



## Complexity

Beowulf said:


> You're once again confusing the term fog. Its not an excuse! Its an explanation for how the human mind justifies the affair while its ongoing. It temporarily clouds the judgement so that the individual can ignore the big picture. It doesn't stop the cheater from doing the right thing. It just rationalizes things so they can continue doing the wrong thing. If Allybabe's OM is indeed a better partner for her than Dinger then why did she even pretend to attempt R. Why isn't she living happily ever after with her AP? Why is she so guilty even if it is self serving? The truth is that APs are never better than the actual spouses because they are a fantasy. Once they solidify into a reality they can never measure up to what the cheater has lost.


I don't think you read what I wrote beowulf, but I don't think we'll get anywhere anyway. Sorry for the threadjack dinger.


----------



## warlock07

Beowulf said:


> You're once again confusing the term fog. Its not an excuse! Its an explanation for how the human mind justifies the affair while its ongoing. It temporarily clouds the judgement so that the individual can ignore the big picture. It doesn't stop the cheater from doing the right thing. It just rationalizes things so they can continue doing the wrong thing. If Allybabe's OM is indeed a better partner for her than Dinger then why did she even pretend to attempt R. Why isn't she living happily ever after with her AP? Why is she so guilty even if it is self serving? The truth is that APs are never better than the actual spouses because they are a fantasy. Once they solidify into a reality they can never measure up to what the cheater has lost.


I think this is similar to the temporary insanity defense used in some murder cases. It is true sometimes but is used by many to justify/explain away their actions.


----------



## vi_bride04

dingerdad said:


> Really? I never would have thought that. Why?


Seriously??????

Basic human instinct. A woman wants a man that can successfully raise a family. 

If you are out partying and drinking like turnera mentioned, how can any woman see your potential? 

Now take your kids to a park for the day and you will probably come away with a few phone numbers 

My STBXH abandonded his kids early in his first divorce due to fighting with the ex. I lost so much respect for him and I don't think I ever got it all back even after getting married to him years later. If he didn't ditch his kids and actually fought for them, I think our relationship would have been quite different.


----------



## Beowulf

warlock07 said:


> I think this is similar to the temporary insanity defense used in some murder cases. It is true sometimes but is used by many to justify/explain away their actions.


So I get behind the wheel while under medication and end up hitting someone. Does the medication explain why I hit that person? Yes. Does it excuse me for getting behind the wheel in the first place or not stopping when I knew I was impaired. NO!

Its a explanation, not an excuse.


----------



## turnera

vi_bride04 said:


> Seriously??????
> 
> Basic human instinct. A woman wants a man that can successfully raise a family.
> 
> If you are out partying and drinking like turnera mentioned, how can any woman see your potential?
> 
> Now take your kids to a park for the day and you will probably come away with a few phone numbers
> 
> My STBXH abandonded his kids early in his first divorce due to fighting with the ex. I lost so much respect for him and I don't think I ever got it all back even after getting married to him years later. If he didn't ditch his kids and actually fought for them, I think our relationship would have been quite different.


 Exactly.


----------



## bandit.45

morituri said:


> While I agree with this, to a certain extent, it doesn't mean that the man who is viewed as 'husband material' is equally viewed as 'lover material' by many women. Sadly many wives do not view their husbands as their lovers but simply as the father of their children. And they don't necessarily are unfaithful women like AllyBabe.


I agree.

In may case I think my wife saw me as her husband and sort of her caretaker (we did not have children) but not as a lover. Even though I tried to be her lover, she never saw me that way, and it p*sses me off that there are alot of good men out there who actually do try to woo and court their wives, only to get shot down because that is not what their wives married them for.

But when those same wives are confronted with their affairs or for walking away from their marriages, what is their fallback excuse? "He never paid attention to me." "I was lonely." "I didn't think he loved me!" 

Give me a f*cking break!


----------



## bandit.45

vi_bride04 said:


> Seriously??????
> 
> Basic human instinct. A woman wants a man that can successfully raise a family.
> 
> If you are out partying and drinking like turnera mentioned, how can any woman see your potential?
> 
> Now take your kids to a park for the day and you will probably come away with a few phone numbers
> 
> My STBXH abandonded his kids early in his first divorce due to fighting with the ex. I lost so much respect for him and I don't think I ever got it all back even after getting married to him years later. If he didn't ditch his kids and actually fought for them, I think our relationship would have been quite different.


Problem is...

Single, available women don't frequent playgrounds. Who's going to be there to see him with his kids?


----------



## turnera

Well, the man has to run his potential new mate through a 'checker,' too, to make sure SHE is worthy of him.


----------



## turnera

bandit.45 said:


> Problem is...
> 
> Single, available women don't frequent playgrounds. Who's going to be there to see him with his kids?


 Oh, I get it. YOU only want the single women WITHOUT KIDS OF THEIR OWN.

Good luck with that. Might wanna check the college campuses.


----------



## Beowulf

turnera said:


> Oh, I get it. YOU only want the single women WITHOUT KIDS OF THEIR OWN.
> 
> Good luck with that. Might wanna check the college campuses.


I think he already is doing that. Bandit is a prize after all. So is Dinger btw.


----------



## vi_bride04

bandit.45 said:


> Problem is...
> 
> Single, available women don't frequent playgrounds. Who's going to be there to see him with his kids?


No but single, availble moms do. 

Kids aren't my thing, I will probably never have any but I can see how single, available parents could potentially meet up at the park.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> What did MC say that Ally was supposed to do, during that time?


I don't know. They were working on boundaries and issues with her mother. Talked a lot about feelings but not to much action. She was giving us marriage builders stuff but like I said I wasn't to into it. She sent STBXW home from one to ask me if I trusted her or forgiven her yet. I was honest and told her no on the trust, and as far as forgiveness I had said the words but didn't feel it yet. I did tell her I loved her though. The next day is when she contacted the OM.


----------



## COGypsy

turnera said:


> Oh, I get it. YOU only want the single women WITHOUT KIDS OF THEIR OWN.
> 
> Good luck with that. Might wanna check the college campuses.


Hey now! There are some of us out there who don't want kiddos, are long out of multiple degree programs and would LOVE to find an age-appropriate guy of the same mind!!

(granted, you WILL find me on a college campus...but not as a student  )


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> I don't know. They were working on boundaries and issues with her mother. Talked a lot about feelings but not to much action. She was giving us marriage builders stuff but like I said I wasn't to into it. She sent STBXW home from one to ask me if I trusted her or forgiven her yet. I was honest and told her no on the trust, and as far as forgiveness I had said the words but didn't feel it yet. I did tell her I loved her though. The next day is when she contacted the OM.


Sounds to me like she was looking for a reason to go back to the OM and grabbed the first one she heard. Again, you did nothing wrong. Forgiveness happens over time and isn't a switch you can just flip. Trust is earned and again takes time. She should have been thrilled to hear you still loved her and redoubled her efforts to earn the other two.


----------



## bandit.45

turnera said:


> Oh, I get it. YOU only want the single women WITHOUT KIDS OF THEIR OWN.
> 
> Good luck with that. Might wanna check the college campuses.


Um, no... actually my current GF has a grown son...


----------



## Acabado

What was the time period between DDay1,DDay2 and DDay3?


----------



## turnera

So your MC never addressed the affair?


----------



## happyman64

Dinger,

I hope this rehashing of your multiple R's does not drive you crazy.

But I have to say when Ally dropped off TAM I could tell that she was not heading in the R direction.

I honestly believe you did nothing wrong. Ally has issues. Some of them not with you or the marriage.

And Ally is a runner. You cannot keep chasing a runner because all they keep doing is hurting you (her last few actions like shaving legs, getting all primped for the OM and texting) like she has been doing while still married just tells you how selfserving she has become.

She is still in LaLa land and there is no getting her back. She has to want to come back to reality just to be a good person let alone a good wife.

And you deserve to be in a loving, mature relationship with a woman that respects loyalty, trust and healthy boundaries.

HM64


----------



## dingerdad

Acabado said:


> What was the time period between DDay1,DDay2 and DDay3?


February 2011 she asked for a divorce. I was blindsided. Spent two horrible months together while she planned to move. Dday 1 was Apr 2011 when I came home from work and she had left her work phone laying around. Everything I needed. Turned out affair had already ended because OM had slept with her once and dumped her to go back to his then longtime girlfriend.i forgave my wife instantly and we went on...
During the next 6 months I was super husband. I blame myself mostly for the affair and I wasn't gonna let her down again. I attended to her every need and loved her unconditionally. I was happier during this time during anytime in my marriage. I finally felt like I had learned how to be a good husband, man and father. Untill then I had always still felt like a boy. I never knew about NC or any of this stuff and I let my wife continue to have work contact with the OM. I later found out they had met a few times during this time and continued to text and email each other the whole time. OM even married his longtime girlfriend in the summer so I thought for sure that this was behind us all. Like I said I was happy and in love more than ever.
Dday 2 was oct 2011 when I recieved a phone call at work from the OMW telling me she had found evidence. This is went I found TAM and the rest is in previous threads.
Dday 3 was 2 weeks ago


----------



## Acabado

Thank for the timeline. You can't possibly blame yourself for guarding your heart after DDay2, no way. She was here, she knew trust had to be regained before you could possible give back again after those 6 mo of doing some sort of marriagebuilders program to met her needs, only to find out it was all fake.
Anyhow happyman put it very crystal clear. She never was remorseful, she never got it, otherwise she would never try to destroy that brand new marrriage again along with yours, she could have left you if she felt things were irreparable or was too impatient to wait for you. Truth is OM was in the back of her mind the whole time. For her is all about being "happy", no matter what. 
I'm happy to read things are working regarding custody and children future. She will be gone very soon and things will improve.


----------



## Shaggy

Do not blame yourself or accept any blame. Bottom line: she offered a false R. She chose to break NC, she chose to betray your marriage and try to end the OM marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> February 2011 she asked for a divorce. I was blindsided. Spent two horrible months together while she planned to move. Dday 1 was Apr 2011 when I came home from work and she had left her work phone laying around. Everything I needed. Turned out affair had already ended because OM had slept with her once and dumped her to go back to his then longtime girlfriend.i forgave my wife instantly and we went on...
> During the next 6 months I was super husband. I blame myself mostly for the affair and I wasn't gonna let her down again. I attended to her every need and loved her unconditionally. I was happier during this time during anytime in my marriage. I finally felt like I had learned how to be a good husband, man and father. Untill then I had always still felt like a boy. I never knew about NC or any of this stuff and I let my wife continue to have work contact with the OM. I later found out they had met a few times during this time and continued to text and email each other the whole time. OM even married his longtime girlfriend in the summer so I thought for sure that this was behind us all. Like I said I was happy and in love more than ever.
> Dday 2 was oct 2011 when I recieved a phone call at work from the OMW telling me she had found evidence. This is went I found TAM and the rest is in previous threads.
> Dday 3 was 2 weeks ago


OMG.

OM and just married his wife. And Allybabe is happy to be the mistress? That's just pathetic. Don't blame yourself.


----------



## Chaparral

aug said:


> work/business partner?


si

Whoa, it took me a minute to figure out how else that could have been interpreted. Yuk


----------



## dingerdad

Beowulf said:


> So maybe you are a man that cannot get past a betrayal of this magnitude. Why is that bad? Can't you simply say that you tried but never felt that you'd be able to trust her again? I'm not sure why that is a problem. We're all different.
> 
> I also do have to take exception to her saying that she gave up because you wouldn't move forward. Since when is reconciliation done on her time table? If she were truly remorseful not only would she still be working to try to win you back but she would NOT have gone back to the man that destroyed the husband and family she CLAIMS to love so much. I can understand if this had been years since D-Day and you still hadn't come back to the marriage emotionally. I could even somewhat understand if she just didn't feel capable of doing the work necessary to repair the damage she caused. But to go back to the man that helped her cause this terrible destruction? No. She is just blame-shifting again to assuage her own guilt. Not buying it.


Maybe I am one of these guys. When my STBXW first cheated it changed everything. Not just with us but with my whole view of the world. We were teenagers the first time we dated and I can honestly say I fell in love with her then. We both went through other relationships untill we got married but the dream was always her. She was the one I measured the rest against. It's not just her as she is now that is gone. She took every memory of the girl/woman I loved for 14 years and wiped then out. The woman I thought she was never existed. Everything she has ever said about love, family, marriage, etc was all talk. Everything she ever said or did was in question. 14 years were stolen and replaced with a women who I now did not know at all who wanted me to love, trust an forgive her. How could I do that? If a man said something nice to her and she didn't respond with "I'm married" then in my head she wanted him. Everyday had the potential to be another dday. When I found out again on dday 3 it wasn't even that big of a shock because I had played the scene out in my mind a thousand times.
Of course every BS knows how it changes your view of the world and how you now see other people.

Last night my STBXW came to the house to tuck in the kids and then left shortly after. My 4 year old boy was having trouble sleeping. I layed with him and ran my fingers down through his hair and over his face which he likes as he's falling asleep. I was feeling crappy before this thinking where my STBXW was and who she was with. I was feeling alone. In that moment I realized that I was not alone. There was more love where I was then anywhere she could be. I thought that there is not a women in the world I would trade this moment for.


----------



## bandit.45

The Karma train is out there chugging away and it will soon come to the trellis Alley is walking on. She'll have no escape, nowhere to run when it overtakes her.

By that time you will have moved on, met someone new, and she will be left alone in the wasteland of her own stupidity and selfishness.....alone.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger



> Last night my STBXW came to the house to tuck in the kids and then left shortly after. My 4 year old boy was having trouble sleeping. I layed with him and ran my fingers down through his hair and over his face which he likes as he's falling asleep. I was feeling crappy before this thinking where my STBXW was and who she was with. I was feeling alone. In that moment I realized that I was not alone. There was more love where I was then anywhere she could be. I thought that there is not a women in the world I would trade this moment for.


You have found out one of life's most important secrets. Our children. I know it makes you sad to see your wife running around like a teenager and being with the OM.

But most importantly you see her not being with you and your children.

I always say their is something wrong when a woman that has given birth to a child is not with them, loving them and protecting them as much as possible. It is a gift given to them by God.

And when it is not present in a woman then you know there is something seriously wrong with that woman.

But it is awesome when a man bonds with his children and comes to the realization that they are more important than himself or another person in their life.

Love your kids. Protect your kids. Because someday they are going to realize what Ally has not only done to you but to them as a family.

And sadly, Ally is going to wake up and realize what she has done to her children too....

And come to the realization that there is no way to go back in time or get those precious moments in time back!

HM64


----------



## anonymouskitty

dingerdad said:


> Last night my STBXW came to the house to tuck in the kids and then left shortly after. My 4 year old boy was having trouble sleeping. I layed with him and ran my fingers down through his hair and over his face which he likes as he's falling asleep..


Dinger my son was 4 too when I found out about my wife's infidelity and that she was planning to leave me for another man. The following months I got through only because of him, I can't remember him ever falling asleep in bed it always used to be my shoulder and then I'd lay him down and kiss him goodnight. I promised myself then that I'd never let anyone who trusted me down. Our children are our lifelines as much as we are theirs. And its moments like these when you realize the beauty of innocence.

Ahh this is painful to read


----------



## bandit.45

The kids are the ones who pay the highest price.

F*cking cheaters.... I hate em...


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Im sorry, I couldn't read every comment. my apologies if I'm repeating someone... 

but...

try not to be an airbag when the bus hits her. your instincts will likely shift to the hero / rescuer when that day comes, and it will. it's a strong instinct, expect it to happen and put mental cues in place that stop yourself from engaging. don't convince yourself it's 'best for the kids' if you're there for thier mother. give her the gift of allowing the natural consequences of her decisions to happen. In the long run, that is what is best for your children.


----------



## Beowulf

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Im sorry, I couldn't read every comment. my apologies if I'm repeating someone...
> 
> but...
> 
> try not to be an airbag when the bus hits her. your instincts will likely shift to the hero / rescuer when that day comes, and it will. it's a strong instinct, expect it to happen and put mental cues in place that stop yourself from engaging. don't convince yourself it's 'best for the kids' if you're there for thier mother. give her the gift of allowing the natural consequences of her decisions to happen. *In the long run, that is what is best for your children.*


And believe it or not its best for her as well.


----------



## Gabriel

bandit.45 said:


> The Karma train is out there chugging away and it will soon come to the trellis Alley is walking on. She'll have no escape, nowhere to run when it overtakes her.
> 
> By that time you will have moved on, met someone new, and she will be left alone in the wasteland of her own stupidity and selfishness.....alone.












Edit - my computer can't see this image I'm trying to attach. Not sure if it worked.

Here's the link 

Karma Takes Too Long Id Rather Just Beat The Crap Out Of You Now | Jokideo


----------



## Chaparral

Some people get it and some people don't. Most of those, I think, never will. All they end up with are the excuses they believe.

I'm wondering if you have looked up the signs of narcissim and if they fit your stbxw?


----------



## bandit.45

chapparal said:


> Some people get it and some people don't. Most of those, I think, never will. All they end up with are the excuses they believe.
> 
> *I'm wondering if you have looked up the signs of narcissim and if they fit your stbxw*?


Uh....Ya think?


----------



## carpenoctem

dingerdad said:


> Last night my STBXW came to the house to tuck in the kids and then left shortly after. My 4 year old boy was having trouble sleeping. I layed with him and ran my fingers down through his hair and over his face which he likes as he's falling asleep. I was feeling crappy before this thinking where my STBXW was and who she was with. I was feeling alone. In that moment I realized that I was not alone. There was more love where I was then anywhere she could be. I thought that there is not a women in the world I would trade this moment for.




That is poetry for the soul, Dinger.

Thank you for saying that. Coming from you, those words have meanings deeper than reams of philosophy.

*You are now an igneous rock, hardened by life's fire and lava.*

I am proud to have known you, and wiser for having learnt your life story. Here's wishing you happier chapters.


----------



## dingerdad

She's has agreed to leave. Started with a fight tonight and ended up with some crying, hugging and more talking ourselves in circles. I know I'm weak but what can I say even though we are getting divorced and I want a divorce it's hard to let go. I'm 33 and loved her since 19. She asked me if I wanted her to leave and I said yes or else this is just going to keep happening. To many emotions. She agreed. She packed some bags and left. It was tough but also a relief as well. I'm sure she feels the same.


----------



## warlock07

Was she rubbing the affair in your face again?


----------



## dingerdad

No


----------



## Kurosity

I did not get to read all the post but I had to post to say 

I am so sorry.


----------



## bandit.45

I'm glad for you she is gone. Too bad its not for good. The only downside is you have to have contact for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cledus_snow

i'm confused. you mean to tell me, she's ok being OM's "sidedish?"

to go even further, _his_ wife is also ok with him having a mistress.

who is this guy.....Don Draper?


----------



## dingerdad

cledus_snow said:


> i'm confused. you mean to tell me, she's ok being OM's "sidedish?"
> 
> to go even further, _his_ wife is also ok with him having a mistress.
> 
> who is this guy.....Don Draper?


The have each had points were they were ok with this. I don't know where they are in their heads now.


----------



## jh52

" She asked me if I wanted her to leave"

I read this and thought you have got to be kidding me.

She is so deep up her a&&.

They say people in affairs are in a fog -- but she actually asked you if you wanted her to leave ??

She has become a serial cheat with OM, is totally okay with stabbing you in the heart (3 times now), destoyed her family and kids lifes, is okay to be a mistress at OM calling whenever he wants, met with you and a lawyer about divorce, agreed to move out by July 16th and then has to ask you again

"She asked me if I wanted her to leave"

This is un freakning believable to read -- let alone you having to live this.


----------



## dingerdad

It's defiantly time to move forward and try and get a routine going with the kids. I need to start my home on my own and I needed the closure of saying goodbye knowing she would not be staying another night. I hugged her, and said goodbye. I needed that for myself. The longer she was there the harder it was on me. She said she does not want to keep hurting me but she does not know how to stop. I know its only going to stop when I stop letting her hurt me. Last night was like "the end" words at the end of a movie for me. Now it's my home, my life and she will only be a part of it as a co-parent. I don't want to be her friend. I probably will always have love for her but I don't like her. I would not be friends with anyone else who caused me the amount of pain she caused me since i was a kid. Destroyed my children's family, took half my retirement income that she didn't contribute a dime to, broke my parents hearts, hurt, lied and betrayed all of our friends and family. Carried on her affair/relationship when she was still living in our family home. I would not be friends with someone like that and don't want to be.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> It's defiantly time to move forward and try and get a routine going with the kids. I need to start my home on my own and I needed the closure of saying goodbye knowing she would not be staying another night. I hugged her, and said goodbye. I needed that for myself. The longer she was there the harder it was on me. She said she does not want to keep hurting me but she does not know how to stop. I know its only going to stop when I stop letting her hurt me. Last night was like "the end" words at the end of a movie for me. Now it's my home, my life and she will only be a part of it as a co-parent. I don't want to be her friend. I probably will always have love for her but I don't like her. I would not be friends with anyone else who caused me the amount of pain she caused me since i was a kid. Destroyed my children's family, took half my retirement income that she didn't contribute a dime to, broke my parents hearts, hurt, lied and betrayed all of our friends and family. Carried on her affair/relationship when she was still living in our family home. I would not be friends with someone like that and don't want to be.


Time for DingerDad 2.0 to be born. 

I look forward to hearing about the steps you take forward from today to step out and become the best man, dad and lover of a new women that you can be.

I am not talking about dating because I know you are not ready.

But it is time.

If I may suggest as you work on healing yourself you might go back and read some of Shamwow's later thread on what worked for him to "re-invent" himself as he prepared to enter the world as a single man.

ANd last night was the right thing to do asking her to leave. That was your first step to being DingerDad 2.0.

Keep moving forward in a positive direction Dinger!!!

HM64


----------



## bandit.45

Dinger you are a quality guy, and all you need to do is work on the package... the drive-by view.

Get in shape, buy yourself some nice clothes, get the ex to watch the kids and go out in the evening once in a while. Go to a nightclub, hook up with friends and just get away by yourself. The idea is to occupy your mind with positive things. 

I know you are not ready for a relationship, but try just talking and flirting with women you meet. It's good practice and it will give you a self-esteem boost once in a while. 

And I agree with the not being friends part. She does not deserve your friendship, so treat her like a hired babysitter. 

Later on, years down the road when she has come to the end of her tether and has matured a bit, and time has smoothed out the pain and wrinkles, then maybe the two of you can be casual friends... but not now.


----------



## anonymouskitty

You've acted very gracefully through this entire ordeal, thats not something many(myself included) can do. I salute you friend. This song always cheers me up.

THE BEATLES- HERE COMES THE SUN - YouTube


----------



## jh52

Good Luck Dinger -- you will be fine. I know it hurts like hell at the moment -but with every "death", including a marriage -- the one friend we have is time.

As HM said --- look forward to reading and hearing about DingerDad 2.0.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> I would not be friends with anyone else who caused me the amount of pain she caused me since i was a kid. Destroyed my children's family, took half my retirement income that she didn't contribute a dime to, broke my parents hearts, hurt, lied and betrayed all of our friends and family. Carried on her affair/relationship when she was still living in our family home. I would not be friends with someone like that and don't want to be.


She's content to be the piece of ass on the side because she feels love for OM, her family and kids be damned. She won't feel the hurt until the OM dumps her for someone new AND she sees you happy with a new woman in your life.

Be strong for your kids. They need you most right now. You know the 180, do it. The more you detach, the less this will hurt, but it takes time.


----------



## lordmayhem

I certainly hope she doesn't come back here in a year or two begging for help about how to win dingerdad back.


----------



## Shaggy

Dinger, I think that your idea of not being her friend is smart and essential her. Good for you seeing that.

She frankly is not your friend and she isn't by her own choice.

Your ultimate best place to be is indifference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

I don't see how being a friend with her is any good to dinger or his self esteem. She would rather be the OM's muse/mistress than be with a man that would treat her his equal in a relationship. 

I am curious is she is she exploring the polyamorous lifestyle?


----------



## dingerdad

Who said there's anything wrong with the driveby view? Haha Okay I have put on a few pounds during my marriage but what can I say. I like cheese and cold beer. I did buy a membership back at my old gym and am going to try to make time to get back into it. I dont know if I want to "re-invent" myself. I am who I am and like who I am. When i want to date I want to find someone who likes me as I am, likes my life and wants to be a part of it.


----------



## bandit.45

lordmayhem said:


> I certainly hope she doesn't come back here in a year or two begging for help about how to win dingerdad back.


How often do we see a truly remorseful hardcore cheater ever go back and ask their spouse for forgiveness?

Goose egg. 0
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Yes but a six pack will increase the chances of landing a sexy one exponentially


----------



## turnera

Exercising is so you'll be healthy and FEEL great, not just good looking.


----------



## jh52

"I did buy a membership back at my old gym and am going to try to make time to get back into it."

Dinger --- say this below and not above:

"I did buy a membership back at my old gym and am going to make time to get back into it."

No more trying my friend -- time to just do it.

Do it for yourself, health, body, mind and soul -- plus your kids.

Exercise has a way to make you look better -- but more importantly feel better about yourself.

JUST DO IT !!


----------



## bandit.45

Your kids need a father who is healthy and fit. Do you want to croak and leave them to their mother?

Let that idea sink in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

Anybody follow Will Smith on twitter? His quotes really hit home today. He must be going through what a lot of us are.


----------



## iheartlife

Can you post a link to his official profile? I can't find one. There is a parody with tweets all day that sound like a BS talking, but as said, it's a parody site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

That's the one


----------



## dingerdad

"Over You"-Daughtry

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.


----------



## dingerdad

So my STBXW is back at the house and sleeping in the camper for the weekend. I received this text at work on Friday.

"I will be staying at house tonight so you will need to make other arrangements. I will be packing. "

I told her I was making no other arrangements. I was bagged. From work and what we went through the night before i am emotional and Pysically drained. She asked me if I was ok with her staying. I said "I would honestly rather if you left when I returned because I don't want another repeat of last night and felt I got some closure last night that I don't want to re-open. Legally though it's your choice."

She said this "Legally I can stay. U will get all the closure u want the moment I pay rent. "

I said goodbye to my wife on Thursday when I thought she was spending the last night at our home. We had a fight, a long talk, crying, and i hugged her on the frontlawn and watched her drive away. During the crying she said stuff like " I don't know how to stop hurting you" and " I love you "(follow by an explanation everytime that it's love as the father of our children, love as the man she walked down the isle with etc.) . She asked what she could do to make this easier on me etc. My wife is gone. She was there for a few moments on Thursday night when she was broken down. My heart swelled wanting to love and protect her but this new woman quickly returned. I know this is hard on her to and being a cold hearted ***** is her way of holding herself together. I can trust or believe a word she says anymore. I dont know how im going to work with her to raise out kids when she's like this. We are taking a parent after divorce course together that will hopefully guide us. 

On Thursday night we agreed together it would be best if she not stay there anymore and the next time I talked to her she's telling me to make other arrangements. Mind boggling.
I'm staying away from the house this weekend while she packs but am sleeping there.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger,

I think you took my "re-invent" the wrong way.

I meant to better yourself physically and mentally. To take care of yourself so you can be a better man, father and in the future lover of someone that loves you for you.

I can see you already started. You told her no. You will be staying there.

Do not tolerate her behavior or ******ness.

She walked.

And maybe it is her defense mechanism.

She is not your problem anymore.

Give her the space to pack but do not leave your home.

Stay strong Dinger. I like you just the way you are man.

Peace.

HM64


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> So my STBXW is back at the house and sleeping in the camper for the weekend. I received this text at work on Friday.
> 
> "I will be staying at house tonight so you will need to make other arrangements. I will be packing. "
> 
> I told her I was making no other arrangements. I was bagged. From work and what we went through the night before i am emotional and Pysically drained. She asked me if I was ok with her staying. I said "I would honestly rather if you left when I returned because I don't want another repeat of last night and felt I got some closure last night that I don't want to re-open. Legally though it's your choice."
> 
> She said this "Legally I can stay. U will get all the closure u want the moment I pay rent. "
> 
> I said goodbye to my wife on Thursday when I thought she was spending the last night at our home. We had a fight, a long talk, crying, and i hugged her on the frontlawn and watched her drive away. During the crying she said stuff like " I don't know how to stop hurting you" and " I love you "(follow by an explanation everytime that it's love as the father of our children, love as the man she walked down the isle with etc.) . She asked what she could do to make this easier on me etc. My wife is gone. She was there for a few moments on Thursday night when she was broken down. My heart swelled wanting to love and protect her but this new woman quickly returned. I know this is hard on her to and being a cold hearted ***** is her way of holding herself together. I can trust or believe a word she says anymore. I dont know how im going to work with her to raise out kids when she's like this. We are taking a parent after divorce course together that will hopefully guide us.
> 
> On Thursday night we agreed together it would be best if she not stay there anymore and the next time I talked to her she's telling me to make other arrangements. Mind boggling.
> I'm staying away from the house this weekend while she packs but am sleeping there.


and my guess is she doesn't pack.......

I hope she does --- the best would be to pack and leave --

I assume you have your kids so they don't have to watch their mother who just crushed their world pack.

Stay strong.....Dinger


----------



## warlock07

I don't know. The crying, hugging. Terrible beta behavior IMO Dinger



> My heart swelled wanting to love and protect her


These are things not to do when breaking up. Won't help the breakup process either.

You say you are detached but I don't see it. Go absolutely dark on her unless it is about the kids. Why are you repeatedly trying to find closure when she is using the conversations to dig the knife deeper into your heart? She is using these talks to only justify what she is doing and humiliate you further. Go dark FFS unless it is about the kids. Your aim is indifference.


----------



## Beowulf

dingerdad said:


> So my STBXW is back at the house and sleeping in the camper for the weekend. I received this text at work on Friday.
> 
> "I will be staying at house tonight so you will need to make other arrangements. I will be packing. "
> 
> I told her I was making no other arrangements. I was bagged. From work and what we went through the night before i am emotional and Pysically drained. She asked me if I was ok with her staying. I said "I would honestly rather if you left when I returned because I don't want another repeat of last night and felt I got some closure last night that I don't want to re-open. Legally though it's your choice."
> 
> She said this "Legally I can stay. U will get all the closure u want the moment I pay rent. "
> 
> I said goodbye to my wife on Thursday when I thought she was spending the last night at our home. We had a fight, a long talk, crying, and i hugged her on the frontlawn and watched her drive away. During the crying she said stuff like " I don't know how to stop hurting you" and " I love you "(follow by an explanation everytime that it's love as the father of our children, love as the man she walked down the isle with etc.) . She asked what she could do to make this easier on me etc. My wife is gone. She was there for a few moments on Thursday night when she was broken down. My heart swelled wanting to love and protect her but this new woman quickly returned. I know this is hard on her to and being a cold hearted ***** is her way of holding herself together. I can trust or believe a word she says anymore. I dont know how im going to work with her to raise out kids when she's like this. We are taking a parent after divorce course together that will hopefully guide us.
> 
> On Thursday night we agreed together it would be best if she not stay there anymore and the next time I talked to her she's telling me to make other arrangements. Mind boggling.
> I'm staying away from the house this weekend while she packs but am sleeping there.


She says she doesn't know how to stop hurting you and then purposely hurts you. I think that really is all you need to know. She is so far gone she doesn't actually care that she hurts you. The others are right. Just detach yourself emotionally from her. When you see her as nothing more than an unwanted house guest then you know you're there.


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> and my guess is she doesn't pack.......
> 
> I hope she does --- the best would be to pack and leave --
> 
> I assume you have your kids so they don't have to watch their mother who just crushed their world pack.
> 
> Stay strong.....Dinger


She's packing. She boyfriend is sending a cube van for her to load stuff in. The kids are watching her pack.


----------



## dingerdad

I don't think I'm a beta. Just wanted to say goodbye to my wife for the few moments when she acting like my wife. The dismantling of my life is rough. Can't really start building back up untill it's over. Sucks but I know better things are ahead.


----------



## Machiavelli

warlock07 said:


> Why are you repeatedly trying to find closure when she is using the conversations to dig the knife deeper into your heart?


Women never need closure with a man they're leaving behind of their own will. In fact, they'd prefer to leave a guy cold and leave him wondering what the hell happened, so the man won't know what a slvt she really is. Of course, they are self defeating in achieving that goal, because they want to cake eat as long as possible and they eventually end up getting caught. Dinger's STBX is taking it to ever greater depths. Dinger will be fine, but his STBX is in a rare power dive.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger,

Take the kids and leave. Let Ally pack her stuff. 

Give the kids a good memory today. 

Sorry you are going through this buddy.

And please do not help her. Ally needs to do this all on her own.

With none of her family there for support.

HM64


----------



## warlock07

Let us not turn into women haters Mach. We see all kinds here.


----------



## Machiavelli

warlock07 said:


> Let us not turn into women haters Mach. We see all kinds here.


All I know is what I see IRL. The rationalization hamster rules.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> She's packing. She boyfriend is sending a cube van for her to load stuff in. The kids are watching her pack.


So just like I said a few days ago -- the boyfriend is giving her money for the van -- and the apartment and her car as well.

Please take your kids out of the house -- they have to be absolutely devastated and in my mind some form of abuse as she rubs it in their faces as well.

Do something fun with you kids today and tonight so they remember the fun times -- and not the day my mother left.


Just my opinion !!


----------



## Acabado

Children don't need to see the physical dismantling of this marriage.


----------



## dingerdad

Acabado said:


> Children don't need to see the physical dismantling of this marriage.


I know that. Got a day planned for us tommorow to get them away. There's nothing I can do when she has the kids.


----------



## Complexity

Cold feet perhaps?


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> I know that. Got a day planned for us tommorow to get them away. There's nothing I can do when she has the kids.


Dinger -- can you explain in more details about the last sentence ??


----------



## Beowulf

Complexity said:


> Cold feet perhaps?


Nope. Cold heart.


----------



## dingerdad

Complexity said:


> Cold feet perhaps?


Me or her?


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> Dinger -- can you explain in more details about the last sentence ??


We have shared custody and I'm happy to have it. If I fight then what?


----------



## jay80_98

You know believe it or not music is one of the best healers, dinger one thing betrayes spouses make a mistake with is struggling and toiling to control things they cant . You should acknowledge that first and you will on your own with time begin to heal . You cant control the feelings, the judgement, the thinking and what not of your STBXW, let it be. Control what you can your mental well being and FAITH matters to get you through this. The hurt and the pain, the mixed emotions, and the shock will generate a cycle of feelings of torment agony fustration agitation and aggravation, just consciously make the decision to let the neg energy go and u may have to make that decision over and over again but wait and see things will get better. One of the best songs i've heard for this is a song by Mercy Me called the hurt and the healer , look it up on you tube with lyrics and hear it over and over again.


----------



## Shaggy

Next time she starts up about how bad she feels just shut her down with:

"Look you are getting everything your heart wants. You win. You have it all. I'm left with no partner, no wife, and no friend. You are running of to live your dream life as another man's mistress. So please STBXW, never again waste my time or yours with your false pleas of suffering and pain. You have entirely created this yourself, through your choices and lies. I will never pity you, or sympathize with you".


----------



## warlock07

> You win. You have it all. I'm left with no partner, no wife, and no friend.


I would omit this part. He did not lose anything. Maybe he lost his wife, but the wife he knew no longer exists. She is dead. In fact it is Dinger who won in the end by getting rid of his soul sucking STBXW. Dinger is just 33. He is still young and will be fine. There is more to life than just being in a relationship.


----------



## Complexity

dingerdad said:


> Me or her?


her


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> We have shared custody and I'm happy to have it. If I fight then what?


I knew that -- but are you telling me today was her day to have the kids and she spent the day packing her stuff and moving out of the house ??


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> I knew that -- but are you telling me today was her day to have the kids and she spent the day packing her stuff and moving out of the house ??


Turns out her dad helped out with the kids


----------



## dingerdad

It's already in the agreement at the lawyers. If she didn't want it would have not gotten put in. Its really hard for us to communicate right now but maybe I will try. Probably won't happen though. I don't want to re-open those negotiations. I already had to over pay for all the assets I wanted to keep just to settle it. Pretty much everyone who goes through a divorce has to start over. My wife included. Except she has a millionaire in her back pocket.


----------



## OldWolf57

You can recover assets. hell lease a couple of trucks and put them in the oil sands. you just need the closure.


----------



## anonymouskitty

As much as we all hate to lose money, I'd trade every pound and every penny I have for peace of mind. Allybabe can sod off and act the ***** for this rich bum, your life doesn't revolve around her anymore.


----------



## dingerdad

JB100 said:


> The OM is a millionaire?
> 
> And did you at least get a good portion of the marital assets (>50%) that you wanted? I assume she was working during your marriage so she must have at least paid for some of the assets or the mortgage and stuff?
> 
> One last question: In between DDAY 2 and DDAY 3, did she have sex with the OM? And if so how often?
> 
> What Allybabe did is just cruel. My wife is heartless but at least her affair was shortlived and she has not lied to me about it and taken it underground.


I got 50% of the assets. I only know about one time they had sex before dday 1. The relationship consisted mostly of texting, emailing and talking. Who knows though....


----------



## dingerdad

OldWolf57 said:


> You can recover assets. hell lease a couple of trucks and put them in the oil sands. you just need the closure.


Financial I won't be to bad. Not really to much of a worry of mine right now. Now how to get my daughter to stop peeing the bed. That is a real problem... We tried again last night. No liquids at night, woke her up a few times. Still this morning pee. To top it off my nudist little boy took off his Pullups and made a lake as well.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger focus on you and your kids. The only thing I will say about her boyfriend is this.

Do not let his money make you feel any different about what Ally has done.

I was a millionaire once. I lost my family business due to 911 in NY City. Sh*t happens.

My wife knew me before we had money, during our "money" phase and she is still with me today. Broke but happy.

Money truly does not buy anyone happiness. Your WW sees her financial needs being met by O M but that is not happiness.

Distance yourself from Ally. Be the best coparent you can be. When Ally crashes you need to be in a better place for you.

She is going to crash sooner or later. Probably later because his money will mask the relationship issues.

Just work on moving forward in your life, without her. It is all about you and your kids now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

So is exw now completely moved out of the house and the camper and now living in her own place so you can start moving on ??

Since OM is her sugar daddy -- that should NOT be a problem.


----------



## Machiavelli

Hang in there Dinger. Is the bedwetting new behavior?


----------



## bandit.45

Any woman who would allow her life to get to the point where she is essentially abandoning her husband and children to run off and be another man's concubine is one evil creature.

This makes me trigger over my mom running off when I was 6. I was lucky in that I didn't have to watch my dad being mistreated. She at least had enough compassion to leave him clean and outright. 

This story just sucks in every direction. 

I'm praying for you Dinger.


----------



## morituri

It's heartbreaking when children are the ones that pay for their parent's selfishness. How can they look at themselves in the mirror and not be disgusted with what they see is simply beyond me.


----------



## carpenoctem

bandit.45 said:


> Any woman who would allow her life to get to the point where she is essentially abandoning her husband and children to run off and be another man's concubine is one evil creature.
> 
> This makes me trigger over my mom running off when I was 6. I was lucky in that I didn't have to watch my dad being mistreated. She at least had enough compassion to leave him clean and outright.
> 
> This story just sucks in every direction.
> 
> I'm praying for you Dinger.



Bandit: Sorry to hear about your childhood trauma.


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> So is exw now completely moved out of the house and the camper and now living in her own place so you can start moving on ??
> 
> Since OM is her sugar daddy -- that should NOT be a problem.


Not sure. She stayed in camper on Friday. Packed while I worked on Saturday and left for the night when I came home. Stayed out of town do I assume with OM. Is packing at house today. Not sure where she is staying tonight. She is gone for work all next week and her new house will be ready to move into when she returns.


----------



## dingerdad

Machiavelli said:


> Hang in there Dinger. Is the bedwetting new behavior?


No. She always has. Is six and still every night. She has a weak bladder and sleeps very deep. She also may have inherited her mothers Ehlers-Danlos Sydrome which can cause bladder control problems.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Any woman who would allow her life to get to the point where she is essentially abandoning her husband and children to run off and be another man's concubine is one evil creature.
> 
> This makes me trigger over my mom running off when I was 6. I was lucky in that I didn't have to watch my dad being mistreated. She at least had enough compassion to leave him clean and outright.
> 
> This story just sucks in every direction.
> 
> I'm praying for you Dinger.


She keeps saying she's not leaving her children and she's not leaving me for the OM. She is leaving because she was unhappy in our marriage and wants to find what will make her happy. She admits to leaving the wrong way. 

Only the rest of the world see's it different than she does. She has to live with that.


----------



## dingerdad

I asked my ex if she would think about leaving my RRSP out of the divorce agreement. Here is the text I send as I don't want to talk to her face to face right now unless it's about the kids.

"I would like to ask you to consider leaving my RRSP out of the agreement. It can't help you in the short term to start over and it's all I have to guarantee me any income when I'm older. I know you are entitled to it but I started to contribute to it before we were married and have made sure it was growing throughout. You worked for most of our marriage and could have grown some RRSP but never did so. I don't know when I will be able to afford to start contributing again and it's stressing me. You chose to leave our marriage and take my wife and life from me. Im asking you to not hurt me in the future as well. Think about it please."

She never responded but hopefully is thinking about it.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> She keeps saying she's not leaving her children and she's not leaving me for the OM. She is leaving because she was unhappy in our marriage and wants to find what will make her happy. She admits to leaving the wrong way.
> 
> Only the rest of the world see's it different than she does. She has to live with that.


Reading this is really sad for you and the kids -- but especially for your exw.

She is leaving because she was unhappy in marriage -- but doesn't know what will make her happy. Until she looks within herself and realizes that happiness comes from within -- she will never be happy.

The good news now is she is your exw and is now is OM problem. Let's see if all that money he has will make her happy. Oh wait -- she won't get any -- because as of now she is only his piece on the side -- and my guess someday no matter what happens with OM -- that she will still not be happy.

Why do people make life more complicated than it is ?? Just thinking out loud here.....


----------



## morituri

I guess Ally is going to have to find out for herself the hard way, that not everything that glitters is gold.


----------



## keko

Change the locks and throw a party for the kids.


----------



## jh52

Dinger:

Yes Keko does have it right. Change the locks -- get her key for both house and camper, get the garage door opener -- if it installed in her car --change the code.

Not sure if I missed anything.

Continue with the 180 -- because the 180 is for you and NOT for her --- text her only about the kids. 

Start working on the new Dinger 2.0 we talked about. Get a schedule today where you can GO to the GYM -- take the kids if they have daycare - or do have someone who could watch them.

Dive head first into GAL and also in your job --- eat healthy, get sleep, exercise, take kids out for fun things.

Sounds like tomorrow morning will be her last day you have to see her for a while -- but maybe she has left for good already (wishful thinking)

You will survive this -- read the other threads and you will see how far people come from the 1st day, to the first month, to the 3rd month, to 6 momths, etc.

Take care -- and take the new Dinger2.0 for a test drive today.


----------



## dingerdad

keko said:


> Change the locks and throw a party for the kids.


She has to be there to get her stuff packed and out. If she stays tonight it will be the last night. I am going to the gym tonight for the first time in a long time. Kinda looking forward to it.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> She has to be there to get her stuff packed and out. If she stays tonight it will be the last night. I am going to the gym tonight for the first time in a long time. Kinda looking forward to it.


Good. Have a great workout and do your best to not think about STBXW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

morituri said:


> I guess Ally is going to have to find out for herself the hard way, that not everything that glitters is gold.


I think dinger's more concerned about the hottie that moved in down the road.


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Good. Have a great workout and do your best to not think about STBXW.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It only really hurts after I've been around here. I know I need to minimize this.


----------



## dingerdad

anonymouskitty said:


> I think dinger's more concerned about the hottie that moved in down the road.


What hottie? Where?


----------



## anonymouskitty

Oh come on, a few months and dinger will be all set to break hearts around town. Go get em mate.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> It only really hurts after I've been around here. I know I need to minimize this.


And once Ally is out you can then focus on you and the kids. That will help you to minimize this.

All in good time Dinger. Just take one day at a time.

Before you know it, good things will happen for you. All in good time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## member2012

Hi, 
First want to say thank you to everybody who posts here, it is so helpful and supportive.
I have been reading this thread, husband and I are working things out after an EA he has had since January, I had DD #2 first week in June ( i think, cant remember exact dates anymore) when I exposed to OW husband. Everything changed after that, my husband became very committed to working things out after that, it seemed that they were unable to move forward with their EA after that, and we were doing great, we had a lovely connection that was coming back.
First week in July I got a call from OW husband that my husband had contacted her that morning by having his friend contact her to see how she was doing. My husband tried to deny it, but he couldn't because OW husband was there and listening to his wife on the phone and grabbed the phone out of her hand at one point to confront the caller. OW husband also told me that there had been an email that my husband had sent her 2 weeks before. When I asked my husband about the email he denied very boldly that he sent the email and said over and over again to "prove it, show me the email" He didn't think that OW husband would be able to produce it, which he did. My husband never admitted to it until I showed it to him.... it was from his business email address.

I couldn't believe it, we were doing so great. My husband said he was tempted to reach out to her and he begged me not to let it ruin our attempt to reconcile our marriage. 

We have been in therapy since. I know things changed for us after I outed the EA to OW husband. I was surprised that he contacted her again after that. Neither myself or OW husband have any evidence that they have been in contact other than these 2 occasions since beginning of June. OW husband and I are in touch to share any info we may have. OW husband is all over her as far as keeping an eye on everything that she does. I wish I had told him about the EA back when I first found out, that was when things started to get better for us.
What do you all think? Is it possible or common that even though my husband has committed to NC, these 2 incidents are part of the process of moving on? While in the past my intuition has always been good, I am starting to doubt myself now.... All of his behavior is pointing to us working it out....


----------



## carpenoctem

Dinger:

Theys say only about 1% of children who bedwet, do it from physiological reasons.

It is mostly psychological. Especailly if it is secondary enuresis (if they start bedwetting again, after having stopped it for a significant amount of time).

The situation must be telling on them too.

Hold them tight.


----------



## member2012

I should have said first that I am so sorry for you Dingerdad, I wish you the best and happiest future for you and your kids.


----------



## anonymouskitty

member2012, I suggest you start your own thread, Lets not mix things up here


----------



## member2012

ok will figure out how to do that.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Top left corner New Thread


----------



## jh52

member2012 said:


> ok will figure out how to do that.


Top left corner -- New Thread !!


----------



## dingerdad

Sitting out in the middle of the field on my quad so whatever that cold hearted thing loading the cube van is can't see me crying for the loss of my family.


----------



## Shaggy

I hope you are giving the OMW a play by play of what your wife is doing. It will help her stop her husband from cake eating.


----------



## dblkman

dingerdad said:


> Sitting out in the middle of the field on my quad so whatever that cold hearted thing loading the cube van is can't see me crying for the loss of my family.


I feel you.....you are right not to let her see you cry.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Sitting out in the middle of the field on my quad so whatever that cold hearted thing loading the cube van is can't see me crying for the loss of my family.


Sorry man.....


----------



## dingerdad

I'll be alright. This stage will be the hardest. It's almost all torn down. Then I can build it back up.


----------



## jh52

Great attitude at this tough moment. YOU will be fine !!


----------



## cledus_snow

> I hope you are giving the OMW a play by play of what your wife is doing. It will help her stop her husband from cake eating.


the way dinger tells it, she(OMW) is "all in" with him having a concubine. 


i guess him being a millionaire must be very appealing to your wife. 

and you say you're better looking than this moron? i guess money _does_ make a person that much more attractive. 


i wonder if Allybabe would be as attracted to him if he were working the register at the local pump station?


could you answer that one for us, Ally.....we know you're reading every word on this thread.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Dinger. Just remember that crappy feeling and remind yourself that it will get better. Especially when you are ready for a new woman. Or maybe it will be women.......

And a whole lot less drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

cledus_snow said:


> the way dinger tells it, she(OMW) is "all in" with him having a concubine.
> 
> 
> i guess him being a millionaire must be very appealing to your wife.
> 
> and you say you're better looking than this moron? i guess money _does_ make a person that much more attractive.
> 
> 
> i wonder if Allybabe would be as attracted to him if he were working the register at the local pump station?
> 
> 
> could you answer that one for us, Ally.....we know you're reading every word on this thread.


Well then post the 3 of them at cheaterville.com


----------



## Machiavelli

dingerdad said:


> No. She always has. Is six and still every night. She has a weak bladder and sleeps very deep. She also may have inherited her mothers Ehlers-Danlos Sydrome which can cause bladder control problems.


That's tough. At least it's not a manifestation of all this.


----------



## carpenoctem

dingerdad said:


> Sitting out in the middle of the field on my quad so whatever that cold hearted thing loading the cube van is can't see me crying for the loss of my family.



*Dinger:*
I have no words.
Do cry. It cleanses the soul.

*Sometime in the near future, when the smile and laughter are back in your life, go to this very same spot with your new lady love, and have a hearty laugh.

And let those in that cube van HEAR it.*

We would like to hear it too.


----------



## lordmayhem

Looking back at her old posts, Dexter Morgan called it correctly.



Dexter Morgan said:


> You know what, never mind. You aren't going to learn a thing and your husband will be the one that will suffer for it.
> 
> I gave you constructive criticism. You just didn't like it.
> 
> I gave you sound advice, which was if you are going to attempt reconciliation with your husband, it isn't going to happen if you are worried about your x-AP's feelings.
> 
> Had a great weekend.


Dexter said Allybabe was pining for her OM, and she was, but she denied it. Dingerdad, she only pretended to be remorseful, and she used your anger as a convenient excuse. So don't feel that you in any way, sabotaged your R. 

You will come out of this and you will recover. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will. They need to see that their father is strong and confident. So in this case, in the mean time, fake it until you make it.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Shaggy said:


> Well then post the 3 of them at cheaterville.com


And?? , this website doesn't really do much in terms of giving him satisfaction

This


----------



## bandit.45

Shaggy said:


> I hope you are giving the OMW a play by play of what your wife is doing. It will help her stop her husband from cake eating.


Don't think the OMW gives a sh*t one way or another. He's probably been cheating on her for so many years it has become a lifestyle.


----------



## Chaparral

Shaggy said:


> Well then post the 3 of them at cheaterville.com


I really find it odd people seem to let the OM/OW off the hook so easily. There are several ways to out a cheater and you don't have to worry if its true. Just puzzeling.


----------



## dingerdad

Cheaterville is not a good idea. Although it might feel good for a little, long term there is only negatives. I would never want my children to find it. I live in a small community and everyone knows what my ex has done already.


----------



## dingerdad

lordmayhem said:


> Looking back at her old posts, Dexter Morgan called it correctly.
> 
> 
> 
> Dexter said Allybabe was pining for her OM, and she was, but she denied it. Dingerdad, she only pretended to be remorseful, and she used your anger as a convenient excuse. So don't feel that you in any way, sabotaged your R.
> 
> You will come out of this and you will recover. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will. They need to see that their father is strong and confident. So in this case, in the mean time, fake it until you make it.


And she wonders why I could not begin to get past dday 2.


----------



## bandit.45

chapparal said:


> I really find it odd people seem to let the OM/OW off the hook so easily. There are several ways to out a cheater and you don't have to worry if its true. Just puzzeling.


Because the OM is what he is.... a rich philanderer. He probably has several women on his trout line. Allybabe is just one of many, even though she thinks she's his number one. 

The OMW is probably an ostrich. She has her head buried in the sand because she doesn't want to spoil the good nest she's living in. 

I give the OM and OMW a pass because they sound like they are morally bankrupt, karma comprimisers. They are what they are, and anyone who chooses to get mixed up with such people is more clueless than they are. 

Allybabe is worse than those two because she chose to turn her back on her family and live a life of corruption.


----------



## dingerdad

Back at work today and glad to be here. What a rough emotional couple of days. Most of her stuff is loaded to move and she will be gone untill Friday. She will be back Friday and then gone again on Sat. Im glad it'll just be the kids and I for the week. My parents will be there for the week and will help me put the house back together again and figure out what I need. The stuff she has left that I don't want will be boxed up and put in storage. Hopefully yesterday was the lowest it will get for me.


----------



## jh52

When does she leave the house and camper and move into her new place ?? In other words -- when is she gone from your house 100%?

Maybe a suggestion if your parents can help out -- if have them drop off the kids at her place or a neutral site for a short period of time.

Good Luck today -- keep strong.


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> When does she leave the house and camper and move into her new place ?? In other words -- when is she gone from your house 100%?
> 
> Maybe a suggestion if your parents can help out -- if have them drop off the kids at her place or a neutral site for a short period of time.
> 
> Good Luck today -- keep strong.


Not exactly sure when the exact date is when it will be %100. My parents are our babysitters during the day when we work so they will act in this function a bit.


----------



## carpenoctem

Somehow, to me, it doesn’t seem as though Allybabe is planning to settle for being OM’s mistress.

*I think she believes she can eventually edge out OMW – through smart-bombing OM with love, lust, emotional support and attention.*

Perhaps the OM also has indicated this 'possibility'.

Well.


----------



## dingerdad

I don't know if I ever shared this. The OM is also a BH. His first wife cheated on him and left him for another man. My ex shared this with me after dday 2. He was advising my ex on what I would do, what i would be feeling and so on. Even told my ex that it was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Add that to the fact that my ex was on TAM and learned what a BH has to live with. How together they can say this is the right thing for everybody is more than crazy.

With what I've learned here and through all this it would be more than easy to manipulate a woman who is in a rough spot in her marriage. I know the exact things to say and do. I could never live with myself if I caused someone this much pain. This all started about 6 months prior to dday 1 when my ex was working underneath the OM. 

She has even said on here that it started with her complaining to him about our marriage problems. He knew exactly what to say and do to end my marriage and position himself as the OM because he had been through it all as a BH. It took time and 3 ddays but he is now getting exactly what he wanted the first time my ex walked into his office.
He's going to find out soon, when he starts to eat the sweet chocolate cover candy what's on the inside. My ex is a Maltese not a awesome junior Caramel that everyone loves. Nobody no's what the F's on the inside of a Maltese. It's not very good and is definitely an acquired taste. 
Have you ever bit into a candy you thought was caramel and found out it was that crunchy **** on the inside? My ex is a Maltese.


----------



## dingerdad

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Somehow, to me, it doesn’t seem as though Allybabe is planning to settle for being OM’s mistress.
> 
> *I think she believes she can eventually edge out OMW – through smart-bombing OM with love, lust, emotional support and attention.*
> 
> Perhaps the OM also has indicated this 'possibility'.
> 
> Well.


As far as I know the OM marriage is over and they are getting divorced. On dday 3 the OMW told me she was leaving so the OM could pursue my wife full time.


----------



## morituri

IF the divorce is a costly one for the OM - something likely considering that he's got money - then he may not be too much in a hurry to get married again and if he does, the odds are good that he may want a pre-nup as a condition for getting hitched. 

Also - and at the risk of being called a 'class warfare' socialist - a great many wealthy men have huge egos and believe that they are entitled to nothing but the best and that includes women which they often treat as disposable objects.

It wouldn't surprise me that if she did marry the OM and he cheated on her, that she may come back to TAM at a later time with her tale of sorrow and misery. Oh yeah, Ally's future with the OM looks so bright she doesn't realize it is on the verge of being fried extra crispy.


----------



## warlock07

She won't come back. She wouldn't dare. It will take sometime but the relationship will fail. Both of them know many lies the other is capable of. Now that I think about it, both of them are pathological liars. 2- 3 years max!! 

My evil brain just imagined a scenario where OMW and Dinger hookup!


----------



## jh52

Dingerdad:

Not sure where the OM and your exw works -- but if it is a large company, they both could be in "HR" trouble.

Not even sure you care anymore --- but just a thought.


----------



## morituri

Oh she wouldn't be coming back as AlleyBabe - she probably would not remember her member name nor her password anyway - but under a different alias. It has happened you know.


----------



## warlock07

morituri said:


> Oh she wouldn't be coming back as AlleyBabe - she probably would not remember her member name nor her password anyway - but under a different alias. It has happened you know.


Here on TAM?


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> She won't come back. She wouldn't dare. It will take sometime but the relationship will fail. Both of them know many lies the other is capable of. Now that I think about it, both of them are pathological liars. 2- 3 years max!!
> 
> My evil brain just imagined a scenario where OMW and Dinger hookup!


OMW is 15 to 20 years older than me. Just not how i roll


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> OMW is 15 to 20 years older than me. Just not how i roll


Just focus on work, the kids and I am glad your parents are there for you and your kids.

You will be fine in time Dinger because everyone on TAM is rooting for you.......

Your family is always in my prayers.

By the way what is the agew difference between Ally and posom?

And I promise that is my last question about "She who will not be named"...

HM64


----------



## morituri

warlock07 said:


> Here on TAM?


Not sure about TAM but I do remember one infidelity forum, Loveshack, where the cheating wife divorced her husband and married the OM. Later she returned with a 'woe is me' tale of betrayal by her new husband. This story may be an example of the 97% failure rate of relationships that were born from infidelity.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> OMW is 15 to 20 years older than me. Just not how i roll


Dinger -- did I read on your thread that OM is 50 ??
I think you said your exw is 30 ??

Is this correct --maybe I am confusing threads.


----------



## warlock07

Yes, she is in her late 20's I think.


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Just focus on work, the kids and I am glad your parents are there for you and your kids.
> 
> You will be fine in time Dinger because everyone on TAM is rooting for you.......
> 
> Your family is always in my prayers.
> 
> By the way what is the agew difference between Ally and posom?
> 
> And I promise that is my last question about "She who will not be named"...
> 
> HM64


Ex is 30. OM is 49 or 50. Not sure exactly.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> Ex is 30. OM is 49 or 50. Not sure exactly.


And that is all I needed to know.

This just shows me how ****** Ally really is.

The relationship is doomed.

She is looking for another Daddy.

Dinger. Do not walk but run away from your Ex.

I am very sorry to say that to you. You deserve to go and have a great life with a nice,loyal and beautiful woman.

Your life is going to turn out to be great. JUst distance yourself from her. Because when she truly wakes up out of the fog, everyone will have left her far behind.

And then she is really going to be sad and lost.

Keep your chin up Dinger.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Ex is 30. OM is 49 or 50. Not sure exactly.


They both got what they wanted.

OM got a cheating trophy woman

EXW got her a cheating sugar daddy.

Dinger -- You may not realize this now -- but you are one lucky man to have this happen and now you can move on with your life. She will never find happiness.


----------



## dingerdad

Does anyone have any advice on co-parenting. How do I separate the ex wife in my mind from the co-parent I need to do the best job we can with the children. I am struggling with this.


----------



## jh52

Dinger -- maybe start a thread on co-parenting in another forum on TAM. 

Maybe Life after Divorce Forum

You may get more help/ideas there.

Just a thought !!


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> Does anyone have any advice on co-parenting. How do I separate the ex wife in my mind from the co-parent I need to do the best job we can with the children. I am struggling with this.


Follow the 180 at all times. Other than that, try to have your parents do most of the kiddie transferrs, at least for a while, as possible to reduce the amount of time you need to see her. 

Do not answer any texts, e-mails or phone messages from her that do not directly pertain to the kids or divorce. Do not discuss your life with her or make any small talk. She is not your friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

So daddy issues? You mentioned that your ex mother was a pathological liar. Is there a connection?


----------



## Shaggy

Dinger I suggest you put a lot of work going forward into building a stone wall between you and the STBXW. The jerk she is going to be with is 50, which means he's got between 15-25 years of active life left. Where I'm going with this, is that even if they do stay together, she is more likely than not going to a window at 50-55. I don't know how heathy the OM is, but given his history etc, I'm guessing he likes to drink, smoke, possibly more nasty habits.

Fact is living like that takes a toll on you and while you can do it for a while and keep it going, it does catch up.

So take the time now and after the divorce to create a barrier that prevents her issues and problems from ever being part of your again.

Also do what you can to protect children from it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

warlock07 said:


> So daddy issues? You mentioned that your ex mother was a pathological liar. Is there a connection?


Her father is a good man who loves her and his family. He has some regrets for not being there enough when his kids were young but he is a hard worker with a lot of ambition. He has his faults but who does not. Her mother on the other hand..


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> I don't know if I ever shared this. The OM is also a BH. His first wife cheated on him and left him for another man. My ex shared this with me after dday 2. He was advising my ex on what I would do, what i would be feeling and so on. Even told my ex that it was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Add that to the fact that my ex was on TAM and learned what a BH has to live with. How together they can say this is the right thing for everybody is more than crazy.
> 
> With what I've learned here and through all this it would be more than easy to manipulate a woman who is in a rough spot in her marriage. I know the exact things to say and do. I could never live with myself if I caused someone this much pain. This all started about 6 months prior to dday 1 when my ex was working underneath the OM.
> 
> She has even said on here that it started with her complaining to him about our marriage problems. He knew exactly what to say and do to end my marriage and position himself as the OM because he had been through it all as a BH. It took time and 3 ddays but he is now getting exactly what he wanted the first time my ex walked into his office.


Dingerdad, now this explains a lot! With OM being a previous BH, and on a 2nd marriage with his new wife, I would be willing to bet that he made his new wife sign a pre-nup. They probably have no children of their own yet, so with pre-nup in place, she would get nothing if she divorced him. It explains why she isn't willing to upset the apple cart and let him have his little sex toy for a while. 

That's my theory anyway.


----------



## dingerdad

Shaggy said:


> Dinger I suggest you put a lot of work going forward into building a stone wall between you and the STBXW. The jerk she is going to be with is 50, which means he's got between 15-25 years of active life left. Where I'm going with this, is that even if they do stay together, she is more likely than not going to a window at 50-55. I don't know how heathy the OM is, but given his history etc, I'm guessing he likes to drink, smoke, possibly more nasty habits.
> 
> Fact is living like that takes a toll on you and while you can do it for a while and keep it going, it does catch up.
> 
> So take the time now and after the divorce to create a barrier that prevents her issues and problems from ever being part of your again.
> 
> Also do what you can to protect children from it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My ex has a condition (elhers danlos syndrome) that will cause her to age very fast. She looks great but in reality she already has the body of a senior. She really does not know what the future holds for her Pysically. It's a scary thing and I know it's a factor in her decisions. I had accepted and was preparing to spent my mid life and senior years caring for her. Going from surgery to surgery, doctor to doctor. This was already a huge part of out life together. I can honestly say there was not a day when her health was not an issue. Really makes me winder where she is finding the strength for all of this when a normal work day would leave her exhausted and in pain. 

Basically what I'm saying is that in ten years age really won't matter to them because she may be like an old woman as well. I would not wish her condition on anybody because I have seen the pain it causes her. She have up a husband that would have been there to take care of her and love her no matter what happens with her body. Will the OM or anybody else be there if the worsted happens. Time will tell.


----------



## dingerdad

lordmayhem said:


> Dingerdad, now this explains a lot! With OM being a previous BH, and on a 2nd marriage with his new wife, I would be willing to bet that he made his new wife sign a pre-nup. They probably have no children of their own yet, so with pre-nup in place, she would get nothing if she divorced him. It explains why she isn't willing to upset the apple cart and let him have his little sex toy for a while.
> 
> That's my theory anyway.


No pre-nup. Remember he married her after dday 1 to get her back, show her that he loved her and give her security. He promptly cheated on her a month after the vows were exchanged. They have no children. I should add that I have recently tryed to contact the omw to find out what is going on with her and make sure she is not being lied to and used. She never responded to my email or text which I find a little odd. She usually responds instAntly. Hopefully she is just done with all this and is moving on.


----------



## Shaggy

That's horrible what she has, and even more reason why you need to protect yourself and kids. When OM dims her she will try to dump her future care on you. She will try to involve the kids and their future SOs. 

It's also likely the OM will dump her when it does become an issue.

She is selfish, she will not think twice about using you in the future if she wants or needs something. So act now to protect against the inevitable request from her. She's firmly choosing which bed to be in, so let her stay in it,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Or he is blocking your access to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Posom certainly has his hands full. What a loser. And now he is going to make more promises.

Good God Dinger. Just start running now.......

And guess what, no young old lady to take care of. I know it sounds harsh right now but sometime in the future I think you will be counting your blessings.

Just remember, you cannot fix crazy........

You just have to learn to live with it. And now you no longer have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

/off-topic

You may want to have your children checked to see if they have inherited their mother's condition. If so, you may want to shore up their health now to delay onset.

Lifestyle alteration may be key here. Look into services of very competent ND, TCM and/or herbal practitioner.

Their grandmother and mother have this syndrome and it may be a factor in their behavior.

But you may know all this already.


----------



## dingerdad

Shaggy said:


> Or he is blocking your access to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


?


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> Basically what I'm saying is that in ten years age really won't matter to them because she may be like an old woman as well. I would not wish her condition on anybody because I have seen the pain it causes her. She have up a husband that would have been there to take care of her and love her no matter what happens with her body. Will the OM or anybody else be there if the worsted happens. Time will tell.




This so tragic. I don't give the affair relationship even a year.


----------



## Shaggy

dingerdad said:


> ?


To the OMW I meant,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

aug said:


> /off-topic
> 
> You may want to have your children checked to see if they have inherited their mother's condition. If so, you may want to shore up their health now to delay onset.
> 
> Lifestyle alteration may be key here. Look into services of very competent ND, TCM and/or herbal practitioner.
> 
> Their grandmother and mother have this syndrome and it may be a factor in their behavior.
> 
> But you may know all this already.


My daughter shows a lot of the pysical symptoms already. We have taken her out of all sports and have her in activities such as piano, girl guides and such. There is not a lot that can be done except to go easy on your body. My ex was hard on her body when she was young and is paying the price now. There is generic testing that can be done on my daughter to confirm the condition but like I said there is no cure.


----------



## TBT

So I guess the OM has always seen her at her best and not her worst?


----------



## carpenoctem

dingerdad said:


> My ex has a condition (elhers danlos syndrome) that will cause her to age very fast. She looks great but in reality she already has the body of a senior. She really does not know what the future holds for her Pysically. It's a scary thing and I know it's a factor in her decisions. I had accepted and was preparing to spent my mid life and senior years caring for her. Going from surgery to surgery, doctor to doctor. This was already a huge part of out life together. I can honestly say there was not a day when her health was not an issue. Really makes me winder where she is finding the strength for all of this when a normal work day would leave her exhausted and in pain.
> 
> Basically what I'm saying is that in ten years age really won't matter to them because she may be like an old woman as well. I would not wish her condition on anybody because I have seen the pain it causes her. She have up a husband that would have been there to take care of her and love her no matter what happens with her body. Will the OM or anybody else be there if the worsted happens. Time will tell.



*unlikely that she has even told him about this condition.*

and she gave up a husband who would have been there despite whatever. so sad.

dinger: I aspire to be as good a man as you, some day.


----------



## dingerdad

There is a very good book on my ex's condition that I read after dday 1. She had asked me to read it before but I was in constant denial of my ex's condition before this and even thought it was mostly mental. I was wrong. After dday 1 I learned a lot about my ex's body. Even wrote an essay on it(which was not easy for an industrial mechanic) in easy to understand language that she could give her family and friends so that they would understand. I learned what she would need from me now and in the future from this book. I started to go to doctors with her, fight with them for her, and defended her to everyone including her family that thought this was all in her head. I even would get frustrated with her when she would do stuff that I new caused her pain. 
She has also given the book to family and friends to read who also wanted to understand her condition because it's a very rare condition that many don't understand. 
I find it odd that after going through the house with a fine tooth comb, and taking many other books, this book was left behind.


----------



## Shaggy

I think you should send the book with a note to the OM. 

I'm very very serious about this btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT

Just curious as to whether or not she might have felt like a burden.


----------



## lordmayhem

TBT said:


> So I guess the OM has always seen her at her best and not her worst?


:iagree:

Isn't that part of the fantasy of affairs though? You only see the best of your affair partner and none of their bad habits, idiosyncracies, quirks, etc. And in this case, the medical condition that will soon reduce her to old age in just a few years.


----------



## dingerdad

TBT said:


> So I guess the OM has always seen her at her best and not her worst?


Defiantly has. In nice clothes, makeup, full of energy and ambition. Hasn't seen her fall to the floor because she got up to fast and felt helpless. 
Hasn't seen her choke while eating because her muscles in her throat don't work properly. Does not have a record of every medicine she takes on his phone because there are to many to remember on the frequent emergency room visits. Does not know that she is allergic to penisilon and selfla spore adhesives. Hasn't held her hand when she gets an enema because of bowel blockages. Hasn't had to watch her suffer migraine after migraine which usually take a narcotic to dissipate. He does not know to fight with the doctor that only 100mg of Demeral and 100mg of Gravol with work on her migraines and has not had to argue that with a stubborn ass doctor so he does not waste time trying to "fix" a problem that can't be fixed. Hasn't tryed to buy drugs for her on the illegal market because the doctors won't do anything about her pain. Hasn't watched her limp around the house in pain after simple activities. Does not know she has had 38 broken bones in her life. Does not know what POTS is and how it affects her. Does not know that her feet, hips, back, head, knees and muscles all hurt on a daily basis. Does not know that she is exhausted constantly and wants to crawl into bed most nights at 8 o'clock and needs to spend the weekends napping to recharge. Does not know what Ehlers Danlos is and how to explain it to nurses and doctors who barley know about it. Does not know what the scars on her body are from. Does not know what causes her pain when they make love. I could go on another ten pages but what's the point.


----------



## dingerdad

I think it definitely played a factor in her waiting for me to get past the pain of her affair and know if I could ever trust her or forgive her again. She knows her body is breaking down and if she waited to long she might have felt she was trapped if I could never love her again te way she needed me to.


----------



## TBT

Sorry dinger.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> I think it definitely played a factor in her waiting for me to get past the pain of her affair and know if I could ever trust her or forgive her again. She knows her body is breaking down and if she waited to long she might have felt she was trapped if I could never love her again te way she needed me to.


I'm sorry dingerdad, but again, you're overanalyzing and overthinking her reasons for running off with OM. I think it boils down to this: The affair was never over in her mind. In her posts here, she was worried about OMs feelings that you and her were in R. She was pining away for OM. Those are the real reasons. She's deep in the fog and thinks she's in love and that OM loves her.


----------



## Beowulf

lordmayhem said:


> I'm sorry dingerdad, but again, you're overanalyzing and overthinking her reasons for running off with OM. I think it boils down to this: The affair was never over in her mind. In her posts here, she was worried about OMs feelings that you and her were in R. She was pining away for OM. Those are the real reasons. She's deep in the fog and thinks she's in love and that OM loves her.


I agree. She was acting out of pure selfishness. I doubt her illness even entered into her mind outside of how she could hide it so she would appear to be perfect in the OM's eyes. This will not be a pleasant next few years for her.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Beowulf said:


> I agree. She was acting out of pure selfishness. I doubt her illness even entered into her mind outside of how she could hide it so she would appear to be perfect in the OM's eyes. This will not be a pleasant next few years for her.


She made her bed..........you know the rest


----------



## warlock07

TBT said:


> Just curious as to whether or not she might have felt like a burden.


This post made me stop and rethink everything. Maybe the guilt was too much?


----------



## Chaparral

bandit.45 said:


> Follow the 180 at all times. Other than that, try to have your parents do most of the kiddie transferrs, at least for a while, as possible to reduce the amount of time you need to see her.
> 
> Do not answer any texts, e-mails or phone messages from her that do not directly pertain to the kids or divorce. Do not discuss your life with her or make any small talk. She is not your friend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. People treat dirt way better than she treats you, no matter the crocidile tears. I would never speak to her again. Tell her to communicate via email only except for emergencies then she can text.

#1 rule make sure you only date women 5 yrs younger that ali babba. LOL just kidding


----------



## Beowulf

What is she going to do when Dinger is seeing a 26 yr old hottie and she rolls over and sees a 50 yr old geezer. Oh boy, talk about a wake up call.

Dinger, you are at the age right now when you are at your most desirable to women. Once this all shakes out and she is gone you will be very much okay.


----------



## happyman64

Beowulf said:


> What is she going to do when Dinger is seeing a 26 yr old hottie and she rolls over and sees a 50 yr old geezer. Oh boy, talk about a wake up call.
> 
> Dinger, you are at the age right now when you are at your most desirable to women. Once this all shakes out and she is gone you will be very much okay.


:iagree:

This is so true. I have a buddy whose wife pulled the same crap as Dingers wife did.

They ended up D'ing a few months later.

My buddy has the 2 girls (3&5 at the time) every night with him. His ex is trying to get her act together. She has asked him to give her time to get her life together.

Well all the hotties came out of the woodwork and his ex is going crazy. My buddy is 36. 

So just get yourself together Dinger and work on you. Because you are going to need your wits and strength to tackle the meat market.

And you will be seen as Prime 100% USDA All American Beef my friend.


----------



## jh52

Beowulf said:


> What is she going to do when Dinger is seeing a 26 yr old hottie and she rolls over and sees a 50 yr old geezer. Oh boy, talk about a wake up call.
> 
> Dinger, you are at the age right now when you are at your most desirable to women. Once this all shakes out and she is gone you will be very much okay.


Better question is what is OM going to do when his new princess starts: 

"Hasn't seen her fall to the floor because she got up to fast and felt helpless. 
Hasn't seen her choke while eating because her muscles in her throat don't work properly. Does not have a record of every medicine she takes on his phone because there are to many to remember on the frequent emergency room visits. Does not know that she is allergic to penisilon and selfla spore adhesives. Hasn't held her hand when she gets an enema because of bowel blockages. Hasn't had to watch her suffer migraine after migraine which usually take a narcotic to dissipate. He does not know to fight with the doctor that only 100mg of Demeral and 100mg of Gravol with work on her migraines and has not had to argue that with a stubborn ass doctor so he does not waste time trying to "fix" a problem that can't be fixed. Hasn't tryed to buy drugs for her on the illegal market because the doctors won't do anything about her pain. Hasn't watched her limp around the house in pain after simple activities. Does not know she has had 38 broken bones in her life. Does not know what POTS is and how it affects her. Does not know that her feet, hips, back, head, knees and muscles all hurt on a daily basis. Does not know that she is exhausted constantly and wants to crawl into bed most nights at 8 o'clock and needs to spend the weekends napping to recharge. Does not know what Ehlers Danlos is and how to explain it to nurses and doctors who barley know about it. Does not know what the scars on her body are from. Does not know what causes her pain when they make love."


----------



## bandit.45

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And you will be seen as Prime 100% USDA All American Beef my friend.


He's Canadian bro. Same as American beef...but friendlier.


----------



## Beowulf

jh52 said:


> Better question is what is OM going to do when his new princess starts:
> 
> "Hasn't seen her fall to the floor because she got up to fast and felt helpless.
> Hasn't seen her choke while eating because her muscles in her throat don't work properly. Does not have a record of every medicine she takes on his phone because there are to many to remember on the frequent emergency room visits. Does not know that she is allergic to penisilon and selfla spore adhesives. Hasn't held her hand when she gets an enema because of bowel blockages. Hasn't had to watch her suffer migraine after migraine which usually take a narcotic to dissipate. He does not know to fight with the doctor that only 100mg of Demeral and 100mg of Gravol with work on her migraines and has not had to argue that with a stubborn ass doctor so he does not waste time trying to "fix" a problem that can't be fixed. Hasn't tryed to buy drugs for her on the illegal market because the doctors won't do anything about her pain. Hasn't watched her limp around the house in pain after simple activities. Does not know she has had 38 broken bones in her life. Does not know what POTS is and how it affects her. Does not know that her feet, hips, back, head, knees and muscles all hurt on a daily basis. Does not know that she is exhausted constantly and wants to crawl into bed most nights at 8 o'clock and needs to spend the weekends napping to recharge. Does not know what Ehlers Danlos is and how to explain it to nurses and doctors who barley know about it. Does not know what the scars on her body are from. Does not know what causes her pain when they make love."


Even without her health issues these relationships don't last. So he'll do what every OM does. Wave goodbye.


----------



## vi_bride04

I actually prefer Canadian beef 

American beef seems to be quite lacking these days......


----------



## jh52

Beowulf said:


> Even without her health issues these relationships don't last. So he'll do what every OM does. Wave goodbye.


Agree -- I was being sarchastic knowing he will run.


----------



## jh52

vi_bride04 said:


> I actually prefer Canadian beef
> 
> American beef seems to be quite lacking these days......


Dinger and VI -- You need to join Bandits thread and join his "girls" in 21 Years Down the Hole (Part 2) - in the Going Through Divorce.


----------



## bandit.45

jh52 said:


> VI -- You need to join Bandits thread and join his "girls" in 21 Years Down the Hole (Part 2) - in the Going Through Divorce.


That's an excellent idea.

Dinger, head over to my thread whenever you need cheering up. My girls will treat you right.


----------



## vi_bride04

jh52 said:


> VI -- You need to join Bandits thread and join his "girls" in 21 Years Down the Hole (Part 2) - in the Going Through Divorce.


.....I don't know, not sure I can keep up with them!! That thread gets crazy!!!! 

I would just be standing in the background not knowing what to do with myself....


----------



## bandit.45

vi_bride04 said:


> .....I don't know, not sure I can keep up with them!! That thread gets crazy!!!!
> 
> I would just be standing in the background not knowing what to do with myself....


Grab Dinger and bring him with you as a date.

The two of you will fit in fine.....that is if you like jumpy gyms full of naked midgets.


----------



## cledus_snow

> Ex is *30*. OM is *49 or 50*. Not sure exactly.


good luck with that.


----------



## Beowulf

vi_bride04 said:


> .....I don't know, not sure I can keep up with them!! That thread gets crazy!!!!
> 
> I would just be standing in the background not knowing what to do with myself....


Trust me. I've been on Bandit's thread. They will tell you what to do. lol


----------



## dingerdad

chapparal said:


> This. People treat dirt way better than she treats you, no matter the crocidile tears. I would never speak to her again. Tell her to communicate via email only except for emergencies then she can text.
> 
> #1 rule make sure you only date women 5 yrs younger that ali babba. LOL just kidding


It can't work that way for long. I've made mistakes in dealing with the kids through all this but have been doing a lot of reading on co-parenting. Where they are concerned I have to be able to put my personnel feels aside and work with her with the kids on an almost daily basis. Seems hard and even impossible I know but I'm gonna try.


----------



## happyman64

Crap JH52, I think you even scared Dinger away from his own thread with list of health issues.

I read it and just realized Ally is already on the Karma bus and Dinger was willing to take the ride with her knowing all her health issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

vi_bride04 said:


> I actually prefer Canadian beef
> 
> American beef seems to be quite lacking these days......


Better than Canadian beef, Alberta beef! Best beef in the world.


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> Dinger and VI -- You need to join Bandits thread and join his "girls" in 21 Years Down the Hole (Part 2) - in the Going Through Divorce.


I'll check it out


----------



## TBT

dingerdad said:


> Better than Canadian beef, Alberta beef! Best beef in the world.


This NS boy,having lived in Alberta has to agree!:smthumbup:


----------



## dingerdad

Before i jump over to check out this thread I'm hearing about (which is actually making me feel better already) I'll fill you in in the evenings events. The moving van is still here for the week while STBXW is gone in business. I was not going to help her move but I also realized I didn't want to sit around all week waiting for another awful moving day. I did talk to her about it first to avoid a fight and then got to work. My parents pulled their camper our to my place and we got to work. All the furniture that STBXW is taking was taken apart and loaded up. All personnel belongings that she had missed were loaded up. 
I had already got replacement furniture we moved it in and set it up. Lying on my new bed right now actually(which sounds like the place to be when I check out this new thread....).
The house looks different and feels different but it is still home. Wasn't near as hard to do the moving as it was to watch her move. I felt in control. It felt good. My mother is going to help me go over this place during the week with a fine tooth comb so it shines. Maybe even do some decorating(manly ******* things) and maybe some painting. It's my home now. She is going to come home and drive the moving van to "paradise". Me, well my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm spread out on an awesome new bed, my parents are here and I have a nice cold coors on the night stand. This is paradise.


----------



## bandit.45

Good for you Dinger. Nothing wrong with speeding her on her way in fact it sends a clear message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> It's my home now





> This is paradise.


----------



## vi_bride04

dingerdad said:


> Better than Canadian beef, Alberta beef! Best beef in the world.


Hmmmmmmmm sounds very tastey


----------



## vi_bride04

dingerdad said:


> Before i jump over to check out this thread I'm hearing about (which is actually making me feel better already) I'll fill you in in the evenings events. The moving van is still here for the week while STBXW is gone in business. I was not going to help her move but I also realized I didn't want to sit around all week waiting for another awful moving day. I did talk to her about it first to avoid a fight and then got to work. My parents pulled their camper our to my place and we got to work. All the furniture that STBXW is taking was taken apart and loaded up. All personnel belongings that she had missed were loaded up.
> I had already got replacement furniture we moved it in and set it up. Lying on my new bed right now actually(which sounds like the place to be when I check out this new thread....).
> The house looks different and feels different but it is still home. Wasn't near as hard to do the moving as it was to watch her move. I felt in control. It felt good. My mother is going to help me go over this place during the week with a fine tooth comb so it shines. Maybe even do some decorating(manly ******* things) and maybe some painting. It's my home now. She is going to come home and drive the moving van to "paradise". Me, well my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm spread out on an awesome new bed, my parents are here and I have a nice cold coors on the night stand. This is paradise.


You sound very strong and confident in this post.

Good job. You have a great support system it sounds like


----------



## dingerdad

TBT said:


> This NS boy,having lived in Alberta has to agree!:smthumbup:


Um...you know we are not talking about cattle right TBT. Haha. If we are talking about beef there are 200 prime examples out my bedroom window in the pasture.


----------



## TBT

dingerdad said:


> Um...you know we are not talking about cattle right TBT. Haha. If we are talking about beef there are 200 prime examples out my bedroom window in the pasture.


I do now! This ole boy is sometimes a little bit slow on the uptake


----------



## bandit.45

Dinger just posted on my thread.

I'm going to enjoy corrupting him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Before i jump over to check out this thread I'm hearing about (which is actually making me feel better already) I'll fill you in in the evenings events. The moving van is still here for the week while STBXW is gone in business. I was not going to help her move but I also realized I didn't want to sit around all week waiting for another awful moving day. I did talk to her about it first to avoid a fight and then got to work. My parents pulled their camper our to my place and we got to work. All the furniture that STBXW is taking was taken apart and loaded up. All personnel belongings that she had missed were loaded up.
> I had already got replacement furniture we moved it in and set it up. Lying on my new bed right now actually(which sounds like the place to be when I check out this new thread....).
> The house looks different and feels different but it is still home. Wasn't near as hard to do the moving as it was to watch her move. I felt in control. It felt good. My mother is going to help me go over this place during the week with a fine tooth comb so it shines. Maybe even do some decorating(manly ******* things) and maybe some painting. It's my home now. She is going to come home and drive the moving van to "paradise". Me, well my kids are sleeping soundly, I'm spread out on an awesome new bed, my parents are here and I have a nice cold coors on the night stand. This is paradise.


Looks like Dinger2.0 is flying through the testing phase and will be Generally Available (GA) very shortly. 

It's the engineer coming out of me now !!


----------



## happyman64

Way to go Dinger. Packing her up is a greats"letting go" statement.

Maybe you can get the kids to make Ally a "goodbye mommy" banner.

I guarantee she will never forget that view in her rear view mirror.

Sh*t, your whole family can wave goodbye as she leaves later this week.

I know. I wil quit for the night. Nice display of strength Dinger.........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

happyman64 said:


> Crap JH52, I think you even scared Dinger away from his own thread with list of health issues.
> 
> I read it and just realized Ally is already on the Karma bus and Dinger was willing to take the ride with her knowing all her health issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Reminded me of JValley's thread...


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Way to go Dinger. Packing her up is a greats"letting go" statement.
> 
> Maybe you can get the kids to make Ally a "goodbye mommy" banner.
> 
> I guarantee she will never forget that view in her rear view mirror.
> 
> Sh*t, your whole family can wave goodbye as she leaves later this week.
> 
> I know. I wil quit for the night. Nice display of strength Dinger.........
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wasn't doing it to send her a message or be an ass. Was taking a step in moving forward without it being forced on me. Feels great.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> Wasn't doing it to send her a message or be an ass. Was taking a step in moving forward without it being forced on me. Feels great.


Do what makes you feel good. Think of it as the day of your rebirth. 

You don't need her. You never really did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf

JB100 said:


> Where is your ex-wife going to live?


Fantasy Island.

Sorry, couldn't resist.


----------



## bandit.45

De plane!! De plane!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vi_bride04

bandit.45 said:


> De plane!! De plane!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont mean to derail a thread but I have to share.

My dad is short. My grandparents once called him the character that said this (I'm younger I don't remember the name)

Wow was he p!ssed. Hated them from then on. I am not sure if I was very old yet.

Could never say this phrase or mention anything about the movie ever growing up.

Maybe that's why I can't think of the character names...lol

Ahhhh lovely childhood memories


----------



## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> De plane!! De plane!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT

Think his character was named Tattoo.


----------



## carpenoctem

dingerdad said:


> Defiantly has. In nice clothes, makeup, full of energy and ambition. Hasn't seen her fall to the floor because she got up to fast and felt helpless.
> Hasn't seen her choke while eating because her muscles in her throat don't work properly. Does not have a record of every medicine she takes on his phone because there are to many to remember on the frequent emergency room visits. Does not know that she is allergic to penisilon and selfla spore adhesives. Hasn't held her hand when she gets an enema because of bowel blockages. Hasn't had to watch her suffer migraine after migraine which usually take a narcotic to dissipate. He does not know to fight with the doctor that only 100mg of Demeral and 100mg of Gravol with work on her migraines and has not had to argue that with a stubborn ass doctor so he does not waste time trying to "fix" a problem that can't be fixed. Hasn't tryed to buy drugs for her on the illegal market because the doctors won't do anything about her pain. Hasn't watched her limp around the house in pain after simple activities. Does not know she has had 38 broken bones in her life. Does not know what POTS is and how it affects her. Does not know that her feet, hips, back, head, knees and muscles all hurt on a daily basis. Does not know that she is exhausted constantly and wants to crawl into bed most nights at 8 o'clock and needs to spend the weekends napping to recharge. Does not know what Ehlers Danlos is and how to explain it to nurses and doctors who barley know about it. Does not know what the scars on her body are from. Does not know what causes her pain when they make love. I could go on another ten pages but what's the point.



*Alleybabe:*
if you are still reading this thread: I am truly sorry to learn about your condition (Ehlers Danlos). Hope it stays within controllable limits. Please take care.


----------



## Shaggy

Get those locks changed now.

Also don't ignore American girls, they can give the Canadian girls a run for their money!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vi_bride04

Shaggy said:


> Get those locks changed now.
> 
> Also don't ignore American girls, they can give the Canadian girls a run for their money!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You got that right, buddy!!!!! *points both thumbs at herslef, nodding her head*


----------



## J Valley

Dingerdad,

I read some of your posts. I understand that your STBXW is also a member in this forum. If she is reading this, I hope she will not regret what she has done to you and your family. I lost my ex wife recently to cancer. She left me because she was “falling in love” with OM. The strange thing was that she knew him less than a year while we have been married for 8 years and knew each other for 12. I accepted her regardless of her good or bad traits. When she was adamant that her love for the OM was real, I knew I had to move on and gradually detached from her. Like someone said in my thread, “in the end, no one wins”. The OM died in a tragic accident, she lost her fight to cancer and I lost a person whom I loved dearly at one time. Even though my ex wife and I were divorced but there was a small part in us that is called love and I just found out recently that she still cared for me until her last days. From what I have read in my thread, I am beginning to be convinced that she had indeed regretted leaving the marriage.

I read that your STBXW has a medical condition and would need a lot of love and care in the future. I hope the OM will be able to provide all that. For me, I would have cared and given my ex all love and care for her if she had continued being with me. However, it is too late now to regret. If your STBXW is reading this, she should realize that just because you did not respond in the best possible way after D-Day2 did not mean that you did not love her. She should have persevered and fought for her marriage and her family. 

Anyway, I wish both of you and the STBXW well.


----------



## dingerdad

JB100 said:


> So did she ever reply to your heartfelt text asking about the retirement income money not to be taken? I think since you guys are already getting a divorce and etc., it does not hurt to ask/even beg her not to take it.
> 
> She does not seem like a heartless person but just a confused person.
> 
> And I might have missed this but isn't the OM still married? Where is your ex-wife going to live?


We talked about rrsp's. She feels that although she did not contribute to the RRSP she did contribute to the household income which allowed me to build them up. She's right. She is entitled to half of them so I'm gonna leave it at that. 
She tells me the OM is getting divorced. She is renting a house in our town to move into. OM lives in another town. I expect that when or if she does not find her "happiness" on her own the next logical step would be to think that maybe if she moved to him she would be "happy". This would suck because then what about the kids...would it be a battle? I dunno.


----------



## bandit.45

Yeah and while you were out busting your ass for your retirement she was throwing her legs up for a rich guy. 

Your rolling over to easily. She doesn't deserve half of your retirement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

J Valley said:


> Dingerdad,
> 
> I read some of your posts. I understand that your STBXW is also a member in this forum. If she is reading this, I hope she will not regret what she has done to you and your family. I lost my ex wife recently to cancer. She left me because she was “falling in love” with OM. The strange thing was that she knew him less than a year while we have been married for 8 years and knew each other for 12. I accepted her regardless of her good or bad traits. When she was adamant that her love for the OM was real, I knew I had to move on and gradually detached from her. Like someone said in my thread, “in the end, no one wins”. The OM died in a tragic accident, she lost her fight to cancer and I lost a person whom I loved dearly at one time. Even though my ex wife and I were divorced but there was a small part in us that is called love and I just found out recently that she still cared for me until her last days. From what I have read in my thread, I am beginning to be convinced that she had indeed regretted leaving the marriage.
> 
> I read that your STBXW has a medical condition and would need a lot of love and care in the future. I hope the OM will be able to provide all that. For me, I would have cared and given my ex all love and care for her if she had continued being with me. However, it is too late now to regret. If your STBXW is reading this, she should realize that just because you did not respond in the best possible way after D-Day2 did not mean that you did not love her. She should have persevered and fought for her marriage and her family.
> 
> Anyway, I wish both of you and the STBXW well.


If my STBXW never had a problem with her body again that would be the best possible thing that could happen. I might not have always dealt with her condition in the best ways but in the last couple years I was better. A lot better. It's very hard to see someone you love in pain and not be able to help. Even frustrating at times. I hate Ehlers Danlos. I hate how it affects my STBXW and I can only hope that my daughter's symptoms continue to be not as severe.


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah and while you were out busting your ass for your retirement she was throwing her legs up for a rich guy.
> 
> Your rolling over to easily. She doesn't deserve half of your retirement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why get myself worked up about it? Just have to build it up again. No worries.


----------



## carpenoctem

dinger:

you daughters - is any preventive management possible, for the condition?


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah and while you were out busting your ass for your retirement she was throwing her legs up for a rich guy.
> 
> Your rolling over to easily. She doesn't deserve half of your retirement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Morally I agree with you 100%, but remember that when they signed the marriage certificate, they automatically put themselves under community property laws which automatically kick in when they divorce. There is nothing he can do to change these laws during his divorce, so getting upset about it will accomplish nothing. He should treat his marriage to Ally as a great short term investment (i.e. his kids) but a terrible long term one (i.e. untrustworthy wife).


----------



## dingerdad

carpenoctem said:


> dinger:
> 
> you daughters - is any preventive management possible, for the condition?


There is some. Still learning what we can do for her. Limit strenuous pysical activities is a big one. She's a real princess so that part is no to hard.


----------



## dblkman

morituri said:


> Morally I agree with you 100%, but remember that when they signed the marriage certificate, they automatically put themselves under community property laws which automatically kick in when they divorce. There is nothing he can do to change these laws during his divorce, so getting upset about it will accomplish nothing. He should treat his marriage to Ally as a great short term investment (i.e. his kids) but a terrible long term one (i.e. untrustworthy wife).


I agree, during my divorce my attorney told me flat out that because we were married so long (10 years) no judge is going to agree with me keeping 100% of my retirement.


----------



## dingerdad

dblkman said:


> I agree, during my divorce my attorney told me flat out that because we were married so long (10 years) no judge is going to agree with me keeping 100% of my retirement.


So sense dragging stuff out over something that is so far in the future. Who know what will happen in the next 40 years of my life. There are more important things in the here ad now to worry about.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> So sense dragging stuff out over something that is so far in the future. Who know what will happen in the next 40 years of my life. There are more important things in the here ad now to worry about.


Good point Dinger. You can only worry about so much in life.

You sound better the past day or two.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> Why get myself worked up about it? Just have to build it up again. No worries.


:iagree:

Money and property can be replaced.


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Good point Dinger. You can only worry about so much in life.
> 
> You sound better the past day or two.


She's been gone. Haven't had to see her or talk to her.


----------



## Shaggy

I wonder though. Can you demand that you remain the beneficiary of her rrsp? The OM shouldn't be enticed to a penny
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

OMW contacted me last night. I guess she has been gone for a week. She just wanted to know what was going on with my end of things. I told her what I knew. She seems to still be pretty in the dark about what's happening. She is still being lied to. 
Tried to give her some advice on moving forward on her own and such but she didn't really want to hear it. She is still holding on hoping the OM will change his mind. In the end I told her she can text me if she's feeling crappy but I didn't want to talk with her about my ex anymore. I told her I am done with all that and am getting a divorce I want. She is in a lot of pain that I understand so I feel sorry for her.


----------



## lordmayhem

Ok, so OMW isn't actually ok with the situation. She's in DENIAL about it. 

She can come here for advice is she needs to, or there's places like SI too.


----------



## dingerdad

I recommended she do that. Sent her a link also. She was not to interested. Wants to feels sorry for herself and hope he changes his mind. Sounds like he is cake eating big time and she seems to be allowing it. Sounds like she's in for a rough road.
I told her that I was pretty sure my ex had stayed at her place when she was gone. She said she knows. The bedroom was different or something. My ex is going to have fun in this little love triangle. A wife that is willing to put up with all this and wait in the wings untill the passion dies down.


----------



## dymo

It's a little cultish, but she may be more comfortable with marriage builders. I don't put much stock in "Plan A", but it's a starting point for BS who can't yet bring themselves to take a firm stance. Not a great starting point, but better than what OMW is doing now.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> I recommended she do that. Sent her a link also. She was not to interested. Wants to feels sorry for herself and hope he changes his mind. Sounds like he is cake eating big time and she seems to be allowing it. Sounds like she's in for a rough road.
> I told her that I was pretty sure my ex had stayed at her place when she was gone. She said she knows. The bedroom was different or something. My ex is going to have fun in this little love triangle. A wife that is willing to put up with all this and wait in the wings untill the passion dies down.


Geeesshhhhhh Dinger

Now I know why you do not want anything to to do with your ex.

And soon the OMW too!

You probably feel you have done all you can do. What a mess.

Again you do sound better. 

How are you kids this week Dinger?

HM64


----------



## dingerdad

Kids are ok. Tired but we all are. Daughter seems to know what's going on. No big questions or anything though. Boy does not understand though. He's only four so it will take him time. Sucks but they will adjust.


----------



## dingerdad

happyman64 said:


> Geeesshhhhhh Dinger
> 
> Now I know why you do not want anything to to do with your ex.
> 
> And soon the OMW too!
> 
> You probably feel you have done all you can do. What a mess.
> 
> Again you do sound better.
> 
> How are you kids this week Dinger?
> 
> HM64


I do feel like I've done all I can but I'm always feeling ansy. Like I'm should be or supposed to be doing something. Except there nothing to do. The divorce agreement is done and I'm waiting for the ex to get it looked at an signed by a lawyer. All her stuff is packed up and in the moving van. My house is furnished and set up with everything I need to go forward..and spotless. It's a weird feeling. Probably the part of me that wants my family back pushing me to do something but I know there is nothing that can be done at this point and no going back.


----------



## anonymouskitty

The thing about kids, they make do, even when they deserve the best they usually adapt to a lot less, things they don't deserve and more often than not when the initial shock and pain of the changing environment passes they're ones who help you heal.

I wish you a happy life ahead man


----------



## cledus_snow

i can't wrap my head around why these two women covet this scumbag, and allow themselves to be fed table scraps from him.

he's in hog heaven, while people's lives are being destroyed. Does that not tell you what type of person he really is?


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> I do feel like I've done all I can but I'm always feeling ansy. Like I'm should be or supposed to be doing something. Except there nothing to do. The divorce agreement is done and I'm waiting for the ex to get it looked at an signed by a lawyer. All her stuff is packed up and in the moving van. My house is furnished and set up with everything I need to go forward..and spotless. It's a weird feeling. Probably the part of me that wants my family back pushing me to do something but I know there is nothing that can be done at this point and no going back.


That feeling will change over time. You did everything you could. But your STBXW did not.

Not a darn thing you can do DInger but move on and try again. In good time.

I am glad your kids are ok and they will adjust.

I think in a year or so you will look back at this wrinkle in your life and feel completely different. Relieved in a way.

I know I did minus the kids of course.

Just work on you and take care of yourself now. 

Hm64


----------



## happyman64

cledus_snow said:


> i can't wrap my head around why these two women covet this scumbag, and allow themselves to be fed table scraps from him.
> 
> he's in hog heaven, while people's lives are being destroyed. Does that not tell you what type of person he really is?


That is how it works Cledus. He is a 50 year old D_Bag that is playing the field. Sooner or later, most likely later, he will screw them over too.

We have seen this scenario many times over.

Do not worry.

The Karma bus has plenty of seats open for one more.................


----------



## anonymouskitty

happyman64 said:


> That is how it works Cledus. He is a 50 year old D_Bag that is playing the field. Sooner or later, most likely later, he will screw them over too.
> 
> We have seen this scenario many times over.
> 
> Do not worry.
> 
> The Karma bus has plenty of seats open for one more.................


Or so we console ourselves holding onto thoughts of karmic justice but it would be better if OP can become detached entirely from her or the OM and then what happened or didn't happen to the OM will have no bearing on OP's happiness, what say you happyman?


----------



## cledus_snow

karma couldn't come fast enough for me.




> He is a *50 year old *D_Bag that is playing the field.


sounds like someone has "daddy" issues.


----------



## happyman64

Sorry but no.

Karma rules. We all have seen it happen.

Of course I want Dinger to be happy and move on with his life.

But there are consequences for everyone's actions. 

It is just the way life works.


----------



## Chaparral

It doesn't sound like OM and OMW are even talking about getting a divorce. Do they have kids? (can't remember)

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to let the OMW know about your wifes illness. It would be the honest thing to do. Not sure what it would mean to her though it might help her hold her family together. She may be in the position of being screwed in a divorce and reluctant to file.


----------



## dingerdad

My ex told me they were getting divorced but who knows. No they have no kids. The OM and OMW are both getting divorced for the second time and both have older children from previous marriages but none together.


----------



## MattMatt

dingerdad said:


> OMW contacted me last night. I guess she has been gone for a week. She just wanted to know what was going on with my end of things. I told her what I knew. She seems to still be pretty in the dark about what's happening. She is still being lied to.
> Tried to give her some advice on moving forward on her own and such but she didn't really want to hear it. She is still holding on hoping the OM will change his mind. In the end I told her she can text me if she's feeling crappy but I didn't want to talk with her about my ex anymore. I told her I am done with all that and am getting a divorce I want. She is in a lot of pain that I understand so I feel sorry for her.


Please invite her here. We'll look after her, poor love.


----------



## dingerdad

She didn't seem interested. Wants to bury her head in sand or is done with it all. Couldn't really tell.


----------



## Chaparral

dingerdad said:


> My ex told me they were getting divorced but who knows. No they have no kids. The OM and OMW are both getting divorced for the second time and both have older children from previous marriages but none together.


The OMW did not mention they were getting a divorced. I wonder if its true.


----------



## jh52

Morning Dinger -- I have been thinking about this ever since you posted about you exw's disease.

With every thing that has gone on between you two -- did you ever talk to her about what happens when she has one of these attacks and starts falling down or choking ? 

Since she seems to have been pretty much reliant on you to help her get through an attack -- she better devulge her condition to OM so he knows how to react.

I ask you this from her being the mother of your children and can only think about the worst case scenario that they would have to endure.


----------



## carpenoctem

Dinger:

does the OM know about her medical condition?

do you know?


----------



## dingerdad

jh52 said:


> Morning Dinger -- I have been thinking about this ever since you posted about you exw's disease.
> 
> With every thing that has gone on between you two -- did you ever talk to her about what happens when she has one of these attacks and starts falling down or choking ?
> 
> Since she seems to have been pretty much reliant on you to help her get through an attack -- she better devulge her condition to OM so he knows how to react.
> 
> I ask you this from her being the mother of your children and can only think about the worst case scenario that they would have to endure.


There's not a lot that he can do when the choke happens. Most of the time I don't even know untill after she has ran to get water and tells me after. As long as she keeps a drink handy it's usually ok. I assume she's talked to the OM a bit about her syndrome. It's not untill he's in a day to day life with her that he will understand what's its like though and how it can affect a relationship and family. Most of it can be hidden and it probably is.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> There's not a lot that he can do when the choke happens. Most of the time I don't even know untill after she has ran to get water and tells me after. As long as she keeps a drink handy it's usually ok. I assume she's talked to the OM a bit about her syndrome. It's not untill he's in a day to day life with her that he will understand what's its like though and how it can affect a relationship and family. Most of it can be hidden and it probably is.


The problem is Allybabe took for granted everything that you have done for her and took care of her. She's so deep in the fog that she actually thinks the OM is going to want to do all that work.

Because due to her illness, Allybabe is *VERY HIGH MAINTENANCE*. And I sincerely doubt that the POSOM is up to the challenge because he's only seen Allybabe at her best. From what you describe about her being very high maintenance due to her illness, I'd say this affair as a 99.99 percent chance of imploding once reality hits. OM, in his fog, actually thinks he's up to the challenge, but in reality he won't be. He has no history with her or any years invested in her. The question is are you going to take her back once OM gets tired of it all and dumps her? Because it seems inevitable that she will come running back. Affair relationships already only have a 3 percent chance of succeeding. You add in her illness and the physical challenge that brings, and the chances of them succeeding is almost practically non existent.


----------



## dingerdad

It's not just her condition. She's a hard woman to love...period. But I did. Nothing will stop the divorce now. If she came back promising the world, which she won't, I would still go ahead with the divorce. I need to find out out what else is possible for me. 
If her condition ever turns to the worst and she is alone I'm sure I would help out. She will always be the mother of my children and my children will only ever see that I care about and respect their mother. 

Let's hope her body holds up and she can be strong. I have no illusions of raising these children alone as I am already exhausted from this last month. My work is suffering and my do to list seems to get bigger and bigger at home. I need her to get her place set up so I can get a break. Not saying I couldn't keep doing this if I had to but it's best for the kids and for the both of us to raise them co-parenting.

As for the OM. I hope she has explained her condition to him and he takes the time to learn about it, how it affects her and what she'll need now and in the future if they stay together. If he's not there than it will fall on her father, my children and ultimately me. I hope he is man enough to see through what he started but the history of his character says otherwise. I obviously am not a big fan of this man but in the future the only problems I see arising are if they try and go to court to try and move the children to where the OM lives. I don't think this will be an issue because not to many men want to raise somebody else's children. Especially when his are older and he (again 50) is at a different stage in life than I am (33). 
I say good luck to them, be happy. If your not then all this will have been for nothing.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> I find it odd that after going through the house with a fine tooth comb, and taking many other books, this book was left behind.


 It's not odd, it's to be expected. Her fantasy life with OM has no room for illness. She is reinventing herself without the bad stuff. She's going to WILL herself to be a new person.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> It's not odd, it's to be expected. Her fantasy life with OM has no room for illness. She is reinventing herself without the bad stuff. She's going to WILL herself to be a new person.


That's exactly how she acts about it. I guess I was the reason for her medical problems as well.


----------



## turnera

I could see someone with a chronic illness doing this, actually. It's SO disheartening, knowing you're on a downward spiral and can't get out of it. I suspect that her illness is at the heart of ALL of her actions.

My DD21 has fibromyalgia, which isn't even a whisper of how bad your wife has it, but it's chronic and gets worse, and it's starting to color all her choices and feelings. It has to be devastating and very frightening.


----------



## dingerdad

Ex coming back from her business trip tommorow. I really don't want to see her. Part of me really misses her though and I am sad for that right now. I should clarify that by saying that i really miss my wife not the EX she is now. She is back in camper tommorow night, gone again Sat to a wedding and after that I don't know what's going on. Don't really know when the moving van that is loaded up goes to this new place of hers and how long it'll be before she has the kids there overnight. I'm hoping that she will be able to stay with the kids whoever she gets here tommorow and I can take off for the evening. Return just to crawl into bed. Gonna spend a lot of time tommorow reminding myself what she has done to me to stay strong when she is here. It's so tough when I know the kids can only see that I care about her and respect her.


----------



## happyman64

Stay strong Dinger. I know it is hard for you when she is there.

Make plans to be out while she has the kids and can finish her paking.

It sucks but you will get through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

Hey Dinger -- how r u doing tonight ??


----------



## SomedayDig

F-ck.


----------



## jh52

SomedayDig said:


> F-ck.


Just start writing and venting here if it helps.


----------



## MattMatt

We are here for you. OK?


----------



## jh52

Hi Matt:

Dingerdad said his exw is coming back tonight if I read his post right. Just hope he is okay !!


----------



## dingerdad

I'm good. We moved the camper she is staying in and the moving van to her fathers place today. Her house isn't ready yet so this is way better than her staying in the camper here. 
She was here with me for about 10 mins today. I was working outside all day so as soon as she pulled up I showered, kissed the kids goodbye and left. Never talked to her and only saw her for a few seconds. Couldn't bring myself to even look at her. It's a self protection thing I know it is. If I don't see her or talk to her then she dosent exist and there is less pain. She spent the evening at the house getting the last few things she is taking. Have been communicating about divorce and kids via text but I know that can't last forever. 
Went to see some friends and we went to the new Batman movie. It's pretty good but a little long for a for a guy with alot on his mind who cant sit still. Thought about going out on the town but I have the kids in the morning again and have a big day planned. Ex took the kids to stay at her fathers tonight.
The rodeo is in town this weekend where I live so after ex drops kids off in morning we have a pancake breakfast to go to, then the parade. Rodeo and midway in the afternoon. My boy (4) is going to do mutton busting for the first time for those that know what that is. Going to sleep now. Have a good night everyone.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> I'm good. We moved the camper she is staying in and the moving van to her fathers place today. Her house isn't ready yet so this is way better than her staying in the camper here.
> She was here with me for about 10 mins today. I was working outside all day so as soon as she pulled up I showered, kissed the kids goodbye and left. Never talked to her and only saw her for a few seconds. Couldn't bring myself to even look at her. It's a self protection thing I know it is. If I don't see her or talk to her then she dosent exist and there is less pain. She spent the evening at the house getting the last few things she is taking. Have been communicating about divorce and kids via text but I know that can't last forever.
> Went to see some friends and we went to the new Batman movie. It's pretty good but a little long for a for a guy with alot on his mind who cant sit still. Thought about going out on the town but I have the kids in the morning again and have a big day planned. Ex took the kids to stay at her fathers tonight.
> The rodeo is in town this weekend where I live so after ex drops kids off in morning we have a pancake breakfast to go to, then the parade. Rodeo and midway in the afternoon. My boy (4) is going to do mutton busting for the first time for those that know what that is. Going to sleep now. Have a good night everyone.


Hi Dinger -- sounds like you did good. Just keep doing what you are doing in regards to exw. Comminicating via text about divorce and kids for now is probably the best.

Just a couple of questions and I apologize if you answered them before:

1) What does her dad (mom) say about the divorce and OM. Are they enabling their little princess?

2) Does she communicate with the kids on a daily basis ?

3) Has the paper work on the divorce been signed and when are you officially divorced ??

Have fun at the breakfast and rodeo with the kids. 

At least you won't have to see her anymore for a while.

Stay strong !!


----------



## dingerdad

Her mom is enabling her. Her dad was very furious with her at first, is still disappointed but loves her. He is staying out of it now.


----------



## dingerdad

She talks to the kids everyday.


----------



## dingerdad

Paperwork not signed yet.


----------



## happyman64

I think you are doing good Dinger. Keep loving the kids and enjoy the day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Although this is hard now, if you are careful, you are going to be better off with a better woman. You may look back with a sigh but you will be happy again. Happier than before.


----------



## dingerdad

Having a hard time with this single dad stuff today.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Having a hard time with this single dad stuff today.


Hang in Dinger -- it will get easier as time passes and you get into a routine. After all, this is all brand new to you and the kids.


----------



## dingerdad

I am understanding the EA part of affairs today. I have been introduced to an have been texting with a few women. Never really did this when I was single before. It really is amazing to me how fast things progress with just a few texts, Facebook chats, emails, etc. never met them and have only seen pictures they have sent. It's turning into kind of an experiment for me. Being honest about my situation with then that I'm just looking to me new people and casually date. I dont want to hurt anybody and I also have to protect my children with every decision I make. It does help the loneliness I feel after the children r sleeping and I'm alone with my thoughts.
I can kind of understand how when a women isn't feeling good about her life or her marriage (like my ex) she could find an outlet with this. Her relationship with the OM while we were married was 99% texting and emails. Yet she claims to love him based on this and she sacrificed our marriage and family to keep this going. It is fun, it is exciting, and the person in the other end does becomes almost perfect as long as they are saying the right things. Of course I realize it's all a fantasy and they will never live up to the expectations my mind has already set. Thought I'd share. Thoughts?


----------



## lordmayhem

I really do believe it is that easy, especially with the impersonal nature of texting and emails, to get into an affair. Its so easy to be the perfect man/perfect woman, to be that shoulder to cry on, and tell them what they want to hear. Some people really do fall hard and deep into a fog from simply hearing that voice on the phone, or that text message or email.


----------



## turnera

dinger, respectfully, if you were really looking out only for your kids, you wouldn't be doing this 'experimenting' with other women right now.


----------



## dingerdad

Maybe I'm a bit selfish to. Sucks being alone.


----------



## turnera

Then be creative and find OTHER ways to improve your life other than sucking up to some needy woman online.

Make some dates with male friends; go do things you've always wanted to do. Take some classes at a junior college. Join a club. Make healthy choices. Choices your kids can emulate.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger,

I know it sucks being alone. We all get it on CWI!

But just take a little time to work on you. Just get your head in a better place. You are young and will have plenty of time to meet women.



> I can kind of understand how when a women isn't feeling good about her life or her marriage (like my ex) she could find an outlet with this. Her relationship with the OM while we were married was 99% texting and emails. Yet she claims to love him based on this and she sacrificed our marriage and family to keep this going.


And remember this, Ally was satisfied with her 99% electronic relationship with OM. And yes she gave up her family from all her affair "fun".

You are not Ally my friend. You are far from it so do not ever do anything she did.

And texting and electronic dating is fun as well as addictive. Just look at teenagers and the multibillion dollar industries that are exploiting them by the nano second........

HM64


----------



## dingerdad

Just after the kids are sleeping and the house is clean. That's when is the hardest. Cant head outside and do my guy stuff because the kids might wake up. Can only talk to my friends and family so much. I live out on an acreage so it's not like it's easy for a friend to come hang out and they all have lives and family's of there own. Im going a little stir crazy. Not to mention that this is the longest I've went without sex since I was a teenager. I miss it.


----------



## kenmoore14217

good time for rosy palm and her five sisters


----------



## MattMatt

dingerdad said:


> Just after the kids are sleeping and the house is clean. That's when is the hardest. Cant head outside and do my guy stuff because the kids might wake up. Can only talk to my friends and family so much. I live out on an acreage so it's not like it's easy for a friend to come hang out and they all have lives and family's of there own. Im going a little stir crazy. Not to mention that this is the longest I've went without sex since I was a teenager. I miss it.


There's the off topic section at TAM.


----------



## turnera

Write a book.


----------



## dingerdad

Had a rough day. Went to my grandfathers funeral. My grandfather had a great long life so it wasn't the funeral that got me down. It was more of a celebration.
It was the family stuff. I have a large family and it was the first time since the separation that I have seen most of them. Everyone was asking "where's your wife? Where's your wife? Where's your wife?" I felt very alone as everyone was with there wife/husband and kids. Then after of course some of the photographers in the family wanted family pictures of everyone. Once again, not a cool feeling. Even during the PowerPoint slideshow of my grandfathers life all I could think about was myself. All i could think about were the experiances he had with his wife and family. Stuff I don't have now that my family is broken. Throughout the slideshow they had everyones family picures. When it got to mine it was a bad photgraph of myself and my two kids. I felt like everyone was looking at me with pity. Like I said, rough day.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Had a rough day. Went to my grandfathers funeral. My grandfather had a great long life so it wasn't the funeral that got me down. It was more of a celebration.
> It was the family stuff. I have a large family and it was the first time since the separation that I have seen most of them. Everyone was asking "where's your wife? Where's your wife? Where's your wife?" I felt very alone as everyone was with there wife/husband and kids. Then after of course some of the photographers in the family wanted family pictures of everyone. Once again, not a cool feeling. Even during the PowerPoint slideshow of my grandfathers life all I could think about was myself. All i could think about were the experiances he had with his wife and family. Stuff I don't have now that my family is broken. Throughout the slideshow they had everyones family picures. When it got to mine it was a bad photgraph of myself and my two kids. I felt like everyone was looking at me with pity. Like I said, rough day.


Hey Dinger -- sorry about your grandfather. 

Today was one of the many firsts you will face since getting divorced. The first of anything after a life changing event will always be the toughest. So now hopefully everyone knows and that burden has been lifted from you. The fact you said that everyone was looking at you with pity I am sure was your own insecurity about the divorce. You seem to be a private person who doesn't share much about your life -- you live in a small town I believe -- so this feeling will come natural to you.

Just chalk today up as another healing experience -- and one less thing in having to face (family function).

Stay strong --- it does get better with time -- but unfortunately in these situations -- time can't be rushed.

Hope you have a better evening.


----------



## iheartlife

dingerdad said:


> Had a rough day. Went to my grandfathers funeral. My grandfather had a great long life so it wasn't the funeral that got me down. It was more of a celebration.
> It was the family stuff. I have a large family and it was the first time since the separation that I have seen most of them. Everyone was asking "where's your wife? Where's your wife? Where's your wife?" I felt very alone as everyone was with there wife/husband and kids. Then after of course some of the photographers in the family wanted family pictures of everyone. Once again, not a cool feeling. Even during the PowerPoint slideshow of my grandfathers life all I could think about was myself. All i could think about were the experiances he had with his wife and family. Stuff I don't have now that my family is broken. Throughout the slideshow they had everyones family picures. When it got to mine it was a bad photgraph of myself and my two kids. I felt like everyone was looking at me with pity. Like I said, rough day.


dinger, you are such a young man. I promise that if you live to be as old as your grandfather, there will also be a loving family and a slideshow and this will all be a distant memory. I wasn't even married when I was your age! I was at least 10 years older than you are when I had my first child. Take the long view, there are some very good times ahead of you.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger
Sorry about your grandfather. My grandmother was 93 when she passed away 2 years ago. 

And I could not think of a better way of celebrating his life than with your children.

Life will get better for you but it takes time. And I know you are lonely but take this time you have on your own to find you.

To be happy again on your own. 

It will prepare you for the next journey in life Dinger.

Happy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

How are you keeping up dinger?


----------



## skip76

Sorry for your loss. You will grow stronger everyday while she gets weaker. Don't worry about the other girls either, as long as you are honest with them there should be no issue. you have given above and beyond to this marriage. There is no shame in finding the company of other women at this time, keep your head high knowing you did all you could, you should no longer suffer any consequences from her actions and this marriage.


----------



## bandit.45

Wassa hapannen Dinger?


----------



## dingerdad

Hey everyone. I actually am doing really good. Thats why I haven't really been around here lately. Everything pretty much locked down with the seperation and divorce proceedings. Life going on. I actually kind of met someone. I have my first date in along time tonight. Kind of nervous but so is she. Shes a single mother in a similair situation. Just going for a beer and getting to know each other. Yes the beer was her idea! Ha. Sending love to everyone on here. Smile today. I am.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Dinger. You haveanother reason to smile.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skip76

dingerdad said:


> Hey everyone. I actually am doing really good. Thats why I haven't really been around here lately. Everything pretty much locked down with the seperation and divorce proceedings. Life going on. I actually kind of met someone. I have my first date in along time tonight. Kind of nervous but so is she. Shes a single mother in a similair situation. Just going for a beer and getting to know each other. Yes the beer was her idea! Ha. Sending love to everyone on here. Smile today. I am.


there are few things as amazing as when you realize that you were with a crazy woman and 1. all women are not like that 2. it obviously wasn't you 3. you no longer have to deal with it. It is a life changing experience that can actually happen pretty quickly for those of us that put up with so much. you will soon only regret not realizing it sooner. Now for your date tonight, realize all that you have been through and dealt with there is nothing you can't handle. that should have confidence exuding from your body because you can handle anything and there is nothing to be afraid of. go get em.


----------



## jh52

Have FUN Dinger -- something you probably haven't done in a long time !!


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> Hey everyone. I actually am doing really good. Thats why I haven't really been around here lately. Everything pretty much locked down with the seperation and divorce proceedings. Life going on. I actually kind of met someone. I have my first date in along time tonight. Kind of nervous but so is she. Shes a single mother in a similair situation. Just going for a beer and getting to know each other. Yes the beer was her idea! Ha. Sending love to everyone on here. Smile today. I am.


Ask her if she needs you to hook up an AV component at her home. Worked for me. Chicks dig it when you hook up their BlueRay for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carpenoctem

dingerdad said:


> I actually kind of met someone. I have my first date in along time tonight. Kind of nervous but so is she. Shes a single mother in a similair situation. *Just going for a beer and getting to know each other.*




*"Just going for a beer and getting to know each other."*

*Ah. Words with the maximum number of interpretations in the English language.*

Let's see how they get interpreted for you two.
(probably, * "just going for each other and getting to know beer").* 

Have a good time, Dinger. It must have been SUCH a long time.


----------



## dingerdad

Just going to bed after my date. It was good. She was really nice. Thought it might be weird for me, first date since the seperation and all but I was fine. Enjoyed myself. Made it clear to her I wasn't wanting a relationship soon. Just wanted to date and have fun. Just kissed her goodnight. She has already texted me saying she really wants to see me again.


----------



## Complexity

That's wonderful dinger. I think there's nothing better than having someone going through similar circumstances to relate and confide with. I really hope it works out for the both of you.


----------



## jay80_98

WOHOO!!! Way to go dinger


----------



## dingerdad

But I think the feeling im getting from her today is that she likes me to much... Not sure how I feel about that. Let's me honest. I'm on the rebound but I don't want to hurt anybody. Is it okay to be tell her I like her and would like to see her again but also want to stay open to dating other people. I've always been a one woman man so this is new to me.i dont want a relationship right now but I love women an want to spend time with one....at a time.


----------



## bandit.45

dingerdad said:


> But I think the feeling im getting from her today is that she likes me to much... Not sure how I feel about that. Let's me honest. I'm on the rebound but I don't want to hurt anybody. Is it okay to be tell her I like her and would like to see her again but also want to stay open to dating other people. I've always been a one woman man so this is new to me.i dont want a relationship right now but I love women an want to spend time with one....at a time.


Tell her how you feel...now, sooner than later. Don't be a bonehead like I was. I rushed in way too fast. You are smart not to want to go steady too soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Bandit is right. Just be honest Dinger and tell them. 

You will know when you are ready for more.

Though I have to say I thought gym girl was a keeper bandit. 

But you all have to move at your own pace with the dating, especially while your hearts are still healing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

I think emotionally I'm doing ok. But it's only been a couple months I'm to be honest I'm really starting to enjoy my freedom. There are lots if good things about marriage but some not so good things that I don't miss right now. I enjoying not having to think how my ex is going to react to everything I do. If i want to do it, I do it. If I want to buy it I buy it. Kinda liking it right now. I love my kids and it sucks only having them half of the time but when they are with there mom I have all this free time, and quiet and freedom.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger,
When I had all that free time years ago I picked up some new hobbies.
Mountain biking, sky diving, flying and scuba diving.

Pick some thing you always wanted to do and then go do it.

I even traveled a lot and made some great friends and memories. In fact I hit a lot of Club Meds and met some wild Canadians!!!

So go try something new and have a blast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

Dinger you are doing alot better already. Think just for a second of where you were a couple of weeks ago. Great progress.

As far as dating -- do what Bandit said --- be honest with her.

But do not over think things. I have noticed that is one of your characteristics. If she can handle being friends that is great. 

I know it will work for you -- and you will be fine -- sooner than you think.

Take care !!


----------



## dingerdad

I do want to try new things....and new women.


----------



## TDSC60

dingerdad said:


> I do want to try new things....and new women.


:smthumbup:
Go for it!

Edit: Uh - them.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> I do want to try new things....and new women.


Dinger -- enjoy you freedom as a man. You have put up with so much in your life -- you earned this my friend !!


----------



## dingerdad

The girl does not want to date me if I'm going to date other people. Can't really blame her I guess.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> The girl does not want to date me if I'm going to date other people. Can't really blame her I guess.


At least she was honest with you (hopefully).

Now the ball is in your court -- don't feel pressure into any Dinger does not want !!!

You decide !!!


----------



## dingerdad

Said we see each other again and see what happens.


----------



## vi_bride04

Complexity said:


> That's wonderful dinger. I think there's nothing better than having someone going through similar circumstances to relate and confide with. I really hope it works out for the both of you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## turnera

You should not be dating yet and you sure as hell shouldn't be dating ONE woman. It's not fair to her.


----------



## dingerdad

turnera said:


> You should not be dating yet and you sure as hell shouldn't be dating ONE woman. It's not fair to her.


Your right. I'm not. I better tell her tonight. I'll just hurt her more the longer I wait. If I should keep seeing her I should really want to and I am unsure. If im unsure I shouldnt.


----------



## turnera

It's not even a matter if you two are a good match. If you're a good match now, you can be a good match in a year, once you've sorted out your shyte and can stop triggering over your exW. No woman wants to wait in line while you forget about the first woman.


----------



## dymo

Now might be a time to stick to making platonic female friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

turnera said:


> You should not be dating yet and you sure as hell shouldn't be dating ONE woman. It's not fair to her.


I disagree. If getting laid restores some of his sense of manhood and self esteem and some pretty young thing offers...he should go for it. 

It's jumping into a long term exclusive relationship he should avoid. He's not ready to commit his heart to anyone right now, and won't be for a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

bandit.45 said:


> I disagree. If getting laid restores some of his sense of manhood and self esteem and some pretty young thing offers...he should go for it.
> 
> It's jumping into a long term exclusive relationship he should avoid. He's not ready to commit his heart to anyone right now, and won't be for a long time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't have a problem with my manhood or self esteem. I'm a pretty confident guy. Getting laid would be nice though.


----------



## turnera

Well, from what my DD21 describes, there are plenty of girls out there nowadays who are perfectly content to find bed buddies.


----------



## Almostrecovered

turnera said:


> Well, from what my DD21 describes, there are plenty of girls out there nowadays who are perfectly content to find bed buddies.



they exist in every era of time not just today


----------



## turnera

Not to the extent of today. Today, girls make pacts to see how many dudes they can do, as a badge of honor. It no longer carries any stigma.


----------



## dingerdad

Well...I'm officially an ass who probably earned everything that happened to me. I started dating a girl. She was really nice and we had lots in common. Spent the weekend together and yes it got physical. I was honest with her the whole time about what I was ready for. Did not want a relationship. If course after the weekend it turned into a "where is this going talk". I wanted to stay open to dating other people and she did not. Conversation progressed from there. So basically I slept with her then dumped her. Like I said. I'm an Ass. Feeling guilty as hell today. Better now then dragging it out I guess. Feel free to lay on the hate. I deserve it.


----------



## TDSC60

dingerdad said:


> Well...I'm officially an ass who probably earned everything that happened to me. I started dating a girl. She was really nice and we had lots in common. Spent the weekend together and yes it got physical. *I was honest with her the whole time about what I was ready for. Did not want a relationship. *If course after the weekend it turned into a "where is this going talk". I wanted to stay open to dating other people and she did not. Conversation progressed from there. So basically I slept with her then dumped her. Like I said. I'm an Ass. Feeling guilty as hell today. Better now then dragging it out I guess. Feel free to lay on the hate. I deserve it.


No, your not an ass and you did not deceive her or attempt to hide your true feelings. You're just such a hot stud she could not help herself.


----------



## WhereAmI

dingerdad said:


> Well...I'm officially an ass who probably earned everything that happened to me. I started dating a girl. She was really nice and we had lots in common. Spent the weekend together and yes it got physical. I was honest with her the whole time about what I was ready for. Did not want a relationship. If course after the weekend it turned into a "where is this going talk". I wanted to stay open to dating other people and she did not. Conversation progressed from there. So basically I slept with her then dumped her. Like I said. I'm an Ass. Feeling guilty as hell today. Better now then dragging it out I guess. Feel free to lay on the hate. I deserve it.


You are not an ass and you shouldn't allow this woman to make you feel like one. You were honest. She assumed she could change your mind by introducing sex. She assumed wrong. How is ANY of that your fault?

You definitely need to play the field a while to gain a better sense of self.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## spudster

Hope your wife finds out! I'd love for you to report back how she got all self-righteous and critical of you getting back out in the dating world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

there was no intent to deceive her at all and if anything she was pushing for something you weren't ready for.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood

dingerdad said:


> Well...I'm officially an ass who probably earned everything that happened to me. I started dating a girl. She was really nice and we had lots in common. Spent the weekend together and yes it got physical. I was honest with her the whole time about what I was ready for. Did not want a relationship. If course after the weekend it turned into a "where is this going talk". I wanted to stay open to dating other people and she did not. Conversation progressed from there. So basically I slept with her then dumped her. Like I said. I'm an Ass. Feeling guilty as hell today. Better now then dragging it out I guess. Feel free to lay on the hate. I deserve it.


I don't fault you. She should have figured out where it was going before she put out...her fault too.


----------



## aug

Was the divorce finalized?


----------



## spudster

He's got a year to go I think. F*cking stupid Canadian laws. I thought Canada was supposed to be more enlightened than the other countries in North America?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Well...I'm officially an ass who probably earned everything that happened to me. I started dating a girl. She was really nice and we had lots in common. Spent the weekend together and yes it got physical. I was honest with her the whole time about what I was ready for. Did not want a relationship. If course after the weekend it turned into a "where is this going talk". I wanted to stay open to dating other people and she did not. Conversation progressed from there. So basically I slept with her then dumped her. Like I said. I'm an Ass. Feeling guilty as hell today. Better now then dragging it out I guess. Feel free to lay on the hate. I deserve it.


All this tells me is that you are a good guy. You were honest with her from the very beginning -- and told her you wanted to date others as it is too early for you to get serious. Unfortunately like others have said -- she thought sex would "convert you". Well I am glad it didn't -- you will continue to get stronger and meet other women and all this drama with exw will be a distant memory.

Take care Dinger.....


----------



## dingerdad

aug said:


> Was the divorce finalized?


No. Legally seperated


----------



## happyman64

Just take it one day at a time Dinger.

And I am glad you got laid. 

You needed it.....


----------



## lordmayhem

spudster said:


> He's got a year to go I think. F*cking stupid Canadian laws. I thought Canada was supposed to be more enlightened than the other countries in North America?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought I read that if you file under adultery in Canada, the waiting period is waived.

http://www.cba.org/bc/public_media/family/120.aspx


----------



## dingerdad

I am getting divorced. Still with lawyers putting the finishing touches on it.


----------



## jh52

How u doing Dingerdad ??


----------



## dingerdad

Pretty good. I ended things with the girl I was dating. She has not taken it well. I'm just enjoying the summer. Bought a couple kayaks yesterday and am going to try them out today. I had a bad day this week. Was really depressed over my ex but I think it's a normal thing. Next day I felt good again.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Pretty good. I ended things with the girl I was dating. She has not taken it well. I'm just enjoying the summer. Bought a couple kayaks yesterday and am going to try them out today. I had a bad day this week. Was really depressed over my ex but I think it's a normal thing. Next day I felt good again.


You will have good days and bad days -- so being depressed one day this week is quite normal. The longer time does by -- the better you will feel.

Breaking off with the woman you were seeing is probably a good thing -- as you were both in a different place in regards to your perspective divorces.

Have fun kayaking today -- 

Take care -- and keep us updated on how you are doing.


----------



## dingerdad

Hey everybody.
Just thought I would give an update. I am doing great ! A few little things to settle for the divorce but other than that it's done. Kids are doing ok but it can still be hard on them somedays. Doing the best I can with them. Ex and I ate getting along ok for them and trying to make it easy on them. She is still dating the OM and has even introduced the kids to him. They don't know that he's more than just her friend and I hope she's smart enough to keep it that way for a little longer.

Me? I am happier than I can remember being. I realize how impossibly hard it was for me to try and love a cheater. Once I got over the fear of an unknown future everything changed. I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I have a great girlfriend now and admittedly she is a big part of how I feel. She's amazing and puts a smile on my face everyday. She is in a very similar situation to mine. She is at about the same stage in her divorce as mine and has a child the same age as mine as well. 
We may be leaning on each other and some might say we are each other's rebounds but it does not feel that way. We have a great time together and it's feels right!

Life is good. To all those going through what I went through. It gets better. It gets a lot better.


----------



## warlock07

Did the OM leave his wife ? Or are they in a poly situation ?


----------



## Shaggy

I'm glad you and the kids are dealing and moving on.

She and the OM are both choosing a reprehensible life choice. Its so sad your kids are getting such a bad role model in their mom.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Hey everybody.
> Just thought I would give an update. I am doing great ! A few little things to settle for the divorce but other than that it's done. Kids are doing ok but it can still be hard on them somedays. Doing the best I can with them. Ex and I ate getting along ok for them and trying to make it easy on them. She is still dating the OM and has even introduced the kids to him. They don't know that he's more than just her friend and I hope she's smart enough to keep it that way for a little longer.
> 
> Me? I am happier than I can remember being. I realize how impossibly hard it was for me to try and love a cheater. Once I got over the fear of an unknown future everything changed. I feel like such a weight has been lifted. I have a great girlfriend now and admittedly she is a big part of how I feel. She's amazing and puts a smile on my face everyday. She is in a very similar situation to mine. She is at about the same stage in her divorce as mine and has a child the same age as mine as well.
> We may be leaning on each other and some might say we are each other's rebounds but it does not feel that way. We have a great time together and it's feels right!
> 
> Life is good. To all those going through what I went through. It gets better. It gets a lot better.


Dinger -- glad to hear life is putting a smile back on your face !!


----------



## dingerdad

OM has left his wife as far as I know.


----------



## jh52

Dinger -- Is your new gf the woman you dated a few times -- but then broke up because she wanted more -- or a different person ? Just curious.


----------



## dingerdad

No she is not that person. Someone new I met and clicked with immediately.


----------



## dingerdad

This girl wanted more than to just date also but with her i did to. I really like her. I don't want to date anyone else. I want to see where it goes with her.


----------



## happyman64

Ahh Dinger I am glad you posted.

Take it one day at a time. I am happy for you that you found someone to lean on.

And you know what. You should feel better distancing yourself from your wife's cheating. You just cannot control her.

But you do not have to tolerate it either.

I am apply that you are happy. Keep an eye on the kids as always.

HM64


----------



## vi_bride04

dingerdad said:


> This girl wanted more than to just date also but with her i did to. I really like her. I don't want to date anyone else. I want to see where it goes with her.


Its nice finding a connection like that with someone, isn't it? :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> I have a great girlfriend now and admittedly she is a big part of how I feel. She's amazing and puts a smile on my face everyday. She is in a very similar situation to mine. She is at about the same stage in her divorce as mine and has a child the same age as mine as well.
> We may be leaning on each other and some might say we are each other's rebounds but it does not feel that way. We have a great time together and it's feels right!


Wait, what?

Wow.

Uh...do this for me now, while you two are still talking. Sit down and discuss how you will be dealing with the breakup when it happens so it doesn't affect the kids. Or are you (hopefully) not letting the kids meet the boyfriend/girlfriend?

Not trying to be mean, and I'm glad you feel good at the moment, but this last D-Day has only been two months ago. And you already have a gf?


----------



## dingerdad

We are not involving the kids at all and no plans to. Only see each other when kids are with our ex's. I know we are probably each other's "rebounds" but we give each other stuff that maybe we both need right now. Emotionally an Physically. We both feel good when we are together and that can't be a bad thing. We don't even live in the same town do its easy to keep the lives with the kids seperate.


----------



## Sara8

turnera said:


> Wait, what?
> 
> Wow.
> 
> Uh...do this for me now, while you two are still talking. Sit down and discuss how you will be dealing with the breakup when it happens so it doesn't affect the kids. Or are you (hopefully) not letting the kids meet the boyfriend/girlfriend?
> 
> Not trying to be mean, and I'm glad you feel good at the moment, but this last D-Day has only been two months ago. And you already have a gf?



Dinger:

This post has many good points. 

2 months out is far too soon to start dating. 

It's been almost a ten months from DDay and I can't even think about dating anyone. 

I am waaaay too screwed up.


----------



## TDSC60

Sara8 said:


> Dinger:
> 
> This post has many good points.
> 
> 2 months out is far too soon to start dating.
> 
> It's been almost a ten months from DDay and I can't even think about dating anyone.
> 
> I am waaaay too screwed up.


I'm not so sure that dinger is jumping into a typical rebound relationship.

I followed his posts and those of his STBXW. I get the feeling that he was detaching from her starting at DDay1 because he knew in the back of his mind that she was not truthful and genuinely remorseful. When DDay3 rolled around he even said he was not that upset - just ready for it to be over. He was protecting his heart because he knew he could not trust her to do it.

He was waiting on the other shoe to drop and it did. It confirmed what he suspected all along and he was ready to move on. He was prepared so he is way ahead of the curve here.


----------



## turnera

That doesn't mean he's taken any time to be really alone and learn to be ok with being alone. And that's the key to any good relationship - being able to be alone so that you don't clutch at any relationship you have. Something he seems to have had trouble with previously.


----------



## dingerdad

TDSC60 said:


> I'm not so sure that dinger is jumping into a typical rebound relationship.
> 
> I followed his posts and those of his STBXW. I get the feeling that he was detaching from her starting at DDay1 because he knew in the back of his mind that she was not truthful and genuinely remorseful. When DDay3 rolled around he even said he was not that upset - just ready for it to be over. He was protecting his heart because he knew he could not trust her to do it.
> 
> He was waiting on the other shoe to drop and it did. It confirmed what he suspected all along and he was ready to move on. He was prepared so he is way ahead of the curve here.


This is very accurate to how I felt. Except I would say it was after dday 2 when the detachment occurred.


----------



## turnera

How long has stbx been out of your house?


----------



## dingerdad

I don't know exactly. Seems like along time ago though.


----------



## turnera

Ok, then, how long between the time she moved out and the time you started talking to other women?


----------



## dingerdad

Oh....not very long. Haha. I like the company of women. What can I say. I was a good loyal husband and now I'm single, enjoying it. What's wrong with that?


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> now I'm single, enjoying it. What's wrong with that?


What's wrong is you just said you have a girlfriend. Are you single, or do you have a girlfriend?


----------



## turnera

Single, I'm fine with. Go out and have fun. Date a dozen different women, so you don't get too involved with any of them.


----------



## dingerdad

We are only dating each other. If that means girlfriend then I have a girlfriend.


----------



## bandit.45

turnera said:


> That doesn't mean he's taken any time to be really alone and learn to be ok with being alone. And that's the key to any good relationship - being able to be alone so that you don't clutch at any relationship you have. Something he seems to have had trouble with previously.


Crapola.

You put too much stock in being alone. Know what being alone has taught me? Being alone sucks. 

Last time I checked Dinger was a grown man. If he wants to date, then good for him. We all float on different wind currents. Dnger, take that GF by the hand and have fun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dingerdad

Thanks Bandit. Being alone does suck. Having a beautiful woman who makes me smile by my side can't be a bad thing.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Having a beautiful woman who makes me smile by my side can't be a bad thing.


Until it doesn't. But, hey, you're happy today. Go for it.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> Thanks Bandit. Being alone does suck. Having a beautiful woman who makes me smile by my side can't be a bad thing.


Dinger

Having a beautiful woman who makes you smile by your side is a good thing.

Having a beautiful woman who makes you smile by your side and understands what you are going through by her own life experiences is just awesome!!!

Screw being alone. Your were alone long enough while being married to Ally.

Have a great weekend Dinger.

HM64


----------



## working_together

I remember reading some of your older posts when I spent quite a bit of time on here figuring out some of my own stuff. I even remember posting on your ex's thread about keeping her boundaries clear. 

Ok, to my point. You have to be careful with the dating, you are just out of a long term relationship, and you've quickly jumped into another one. I get it, you want to feel loved, you don't want to be alone, it sucks yada yada yada. I've been where you are, I am where you are lol. I worry about the woman you're seeing, she's loving it right now, but if she pressures you for more, how will that work for you. You can't give yourself completely to someone yet, you need to heal. I still think you should date several women, have all the sex you want, but don't committ, it could end in a lot of pain for either you or her, or both. I could be wrong, and you may be ready for another relationship.....but I smell trouble a head.

Either way, good luck my fellow Canadian....lol...effing divorce laws.


----------



## dingerdad

Tunera....you were right. I just hurt another nice girl who was stupid enough to date me. She fell for me and I broke it off. Why? Not really sure. She was cute, sweet and really liked me. Second girl I've made cry this month. The screwed up part is I don't even feel bad or guilty. This isn't me. I never been like this to women. I'm alone again but feel ok with that now. Maybe because it's my choice now...I'm just going to work, keep working out, and be a dad. See how long this plan lasts.


----------



## dingerdad

I guess working togethers last post was bang on. There is some wise people on here..I should listen!


----------



## Numb in Ohio

Yes, healing yourself first and being a good dad should be top priority. I guess to the relationship issue.. you'll know when you're ready.


----------



## turnera

dingerdad said:


> Tunera....you were right. I just hurt another nice girl who was stupid enough to date me. She fell for me and I broke it off. Why? Not really sure. She was cute, sweet and really liked me. Second girl I've made cry this month. The screwed up part is I don't even feel bad or guilty. This isn't me. I never been like this to women.


That is Psychology 101, and it doesn't usually vary from person to person - you've been through trauma and your brain needs time to process it. While you ARE processing it, your mind will either shut off your feelings so you can't get hurt (as you are doing), or it will open the floodgates so you can feel loved, and you'll keep falling for every girl you meet.

You just aren't ready. There's a reason 'they' say a month alone for every year of marriage.


----------



## happyman64

Darn Dinger I was wondering how you are doing.

Just take it one day at a time.

And make one note.

No matter how your next relationship goes I can guarantee you one thing, there will always be some reason why you made them cry.

Every woman does.

Take it from a guy that has 4 women under one roof........


----------



## dingerdad

4 women under one roof..wow. Good luck with that. I just have my little girl now and your right..she's a cryer!


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> 4 women under one roof..wow. Good luck with that. I just have my little girl now and your right..she's a cryer!


Yes Dinger. 4 under one roof. I like to think that God is paying me back for all my sins when I was younger.

I hope I am Ben.

Just work on you. You will be awesome one time in the future.

And love your kids like there is no tomorrow.


----------



## southern wife

dingerdad said:


> Thanks Bandit. Being alone does suck. Having a beautiful woman who makes me smile by my side can't be a bad thing.


Are you not seeing this woman anymore? :scratchhead: If not, what happened?


----------



## dingerdad

southern wife said:


> Are you not seeing this woman anymore? :scratchhead: If not, what happened?


I ended it. Spark/chemistry or whatever it is just wasn't there for me physically. She was cute, sweet and had everything else I liked. I thought it would come but it never did. When I kiss a woman I want to feel it through my body to my toes. I've had that before with my ex and with girlfriends and want that again. Emotionally we were great. Physically I was going through the motions. Might be an a-hole move on my part but I thought it best to end it. If she didn't like me so much I might have seen where it went but she was talking about long term stuff already. Didn't want to drag her along.


----------



## happyman64

dingerdad said:


> I ended it. Spark/chemistry or whatever it is just wasn't there for me physically. She was cute, sweet and had everything else I liked. I thought it would come but it never did. When I kiss a woman I want to feel it through my body to my toes. I've had that before with my ex and with girlfriends and want that again. Emotionally we were great. Physically I was going through the motions. Might be an a-hole move on my part but I thought it best to end it. If she didn't like me so much I might have seen where it went but she was talking about long term stuff already. Didn't want to drag her along.


Dinger,

Just know you did the right thing.

If the spark is not there it is not there.

Women will get PO'd but always stick to the truth.

HM64


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> I ended it. Spark/chemistry or whatever it is just wasn't there for me physically. She was cute, sweet and had everything else I liked. I thought it would come but it never did. When I kiss a woman I want to feel it through my body to my toes. I've had that before with my ex and with girlfriends and want that again. Emotionally we were great. Physically I was going through the motions. Might be an a-hole move on my part but I thought it best to end it. If she didn't like me so much I might have seen where it went but she was talking about long term stuff already. Didn't want to drag her along.


Part of the reason Dinger, may be that you are just NOT READY.


----------



## Shaggy

Dinger,

What I see is you being honest and upfront with women. That's good. What I also see is you being way too hard on yourself for their reactions to you being honest.

Do not let this stuff make you run away from getting out there and meeting women and talking with them. People, especially women, are essential to you healing.

I always find it amazing at how people tell people not to go have a rebound relationship. Why not? Rebound relationships can help you deeply focus yourself and discover what your priorities are. And while in them you can have a lot of fun, and good sex. 

If you sit back and wait for the perfect right fit, you'll never do anything other than have a lonely bad time.

You're being honest and upfront with these women - keep that up, and keep up going out and talking to women.


----------



## jh52

Shaggy said:


> Dinger,
> 
> What I see is you being honest and upfront with women. That's good. What I also see is you being way too hard on yourself for their reactions to you being honest.
> 
> Do not let this stuff make you run away from getting out there and meeting women and talking with them. People, especially women, are essential to you healing.
> 
> I always find it amazing at how people tell people not to go have a rebound relationship. Why not? Rebound relationships can help you deeply focus yourself and discover what your priorities are. And while in them you can have a lot of fun, and good sex.
> 
> If you sit back and wait for the perfect right fit, you'll never do anything other than have a lonely bad time.
> 
> You're being honest and upfront with these women - keep that up, and keep up going out and talking to women.


Nobody is telling Dinger not to go out and have fun.

He should go out and date and have sex with as many women as he wants/can.

IMO, the issue is when you start to date the same person on a regular, exclusive basis. That is no longer a rebound relationship as someone always gets hurt.


----------



## dymo

jh52 said:


> Nobody is telling Dinger not to go out and have fun.


If no-one has told him so, I'd like to. He shouldn't be dating. He is not in the right state of mind for either a relationship or a string of casual encounters. 

He's made this same mistake twice. He needs a time out. His world won't end if he takes a break from dating for a few months.


----------



## jh52

Hi Dinger -- how are things going ??


----------



## dingerdad

Things are good. Ive been dating and also trying to maintain a good friendly relationship with my ex but at time this can be difficult. You would think I should be the one that's angry, picking fights and ignorant but it's the other way around. I don't understand it. My feelings for her are gone. I can be around her and not feel any hurt or pain. I want us to get along well for the kids but she does not seem to want this. Always wants to fight.

When we start getting along ok she has to start something to bring the tension back. We are close to getting the divorce agreement totally done. Just on issue left regarding if anyone of us ever move what would happen with the children. Right now we are 1 week/1 week and i want something clarified in case she moves to the town her bf lives in. I'm worried it would turn into a court battle later on.

On the dating front things are good. I'm really enjoying being single again. I'm not feeling lonely at all. I've been more honest up front with the women I date about what I am looking for right now. I have only been dating when I don't have my children and have kept them totally seperated from that part of my life. I know I've said this before but all of you were right when you said that I would not have a problem meeting women. There are so many women that are looking to meet someone like me. I just have to make sure I'm honest and not hurting or using anyone. I had a great time on the weekend with a woman who seems to be looking for exactly what I am but I've heard that before so I'll have to be careful. Usually it's about now when what they are saying begins to change and they want more....


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Dinger.

And stay firm on the D agreement.

The reason your STBXW is picking fights is probably because she sees you moving on far easier than she ever thought you would be.

Funny, you gave her what she wants but she is the one picking fights with you.

It does not surprise me one bit.

Keep on having fun. Your life is going to be great. Hers, I am not so sure about. Who cares anyway.

HM64


----------



## turnera

Best way I know to keep a woman from getting too attached is to leave a big gap in time between seeing her again. Shows her you can live without her, so don't get your hopes up. 

Of course, that leaves you with plenty of time to fill, so you'll need to find OTHER women...


----------



## tonyarz

Happiness wasn't in the cards for me after my first wife cheated. Everyone reacts differently to being betrayed. My first wife had a 3 month affair with a co worker. I could never get over it.


----------



## sharkeey

tonyarz said:


> Happiness wasn't in the cards for me after my first wife cheated. Everyone reacts differently to being betrayed. My first wife had a 3 month affair with a co worker. I could never get over it.


You never got over your wife's affair?

Even after leaving her?

Happiness isn't in the cards, it's something you have control over, you just gotta figure out what steps to take and start walking in the right direction.


----------



## Chaparral

tonyarz said:


> Happiness wasn't in the cards for me after my first wife cheated. Everyone reacts differently to being betrayed. My first wife had a 3 month affair with a co worker. I could never get over it.


You need to see a counselor with experience dealing with PTSD as soon as you can.


----------



## jh52

Hi Dinger -- It's been about a month since your last update.

Hope you and kids are doing well.


----------



## dingerdad

Nothing new. Divorce still going through lawyers. I'm dating, working and have my children half the time. Doing good. Feelings for my ex are gone. I try to get along but sometimes we have issues about the children. She is still with the OM. She has introduced the children to him and involved them in their life fully. I hate it but there is not much I can do. Things are well.


----------



## jh52

dingerdad said:


> Nothing new. Divorce still going through lawyers. I'm dating, working and have my children half the time. Doing good. Feelings for my ex are gone. I try to get along but sometimes we have issues about the children. She is still with the OM. She has introduced the children to him and involved them in their life fully. I hate it but there is not much I can do. Things are well.


Sounds like things are going well. You sound so much stronger and seem to be in alot better place.

Keep the kids your top priority -- not much you can do with exw and involving the kids in her life with OM. 

You take care -- and check in once in a while.


----------



## warlock07

Is the OM still with his wife ?


----------



## dingerdad

No


----------



## Vanguard

Wish she was still on the forums. I have some choice words for her.


----------



## loveisforever

Read your story several times. Wish you a happy ending. Although EX and OM's drama will be interesting to watch, it is not good to ask that through you. You are through with them anyway.


----------



## Wolfman1968

WhiteMousse said:


> Wish she was still on the forums. I have some choice words for her.



This forum has outlived its usefulness for her...at least for active participation. She may still use it to check on her STB ex-H, Dingerdad.


----------



## oliviapeter31

This story has ending or not?


----------



## Jonesey

oliviapeter31 said:


> This story has ending or not?


I´m sure it has. He is here to give some update to some friend´s 
he got to know,and appreciate.And that helped him out.
Nothing wrong by letting people now what´s up.

Wish more people would do it to..


----------



## oliviapeter31

I agree with u Jonesey. Nobody can keep all the stress by themselves.


----------



## Shaggy

I wonder if she's feeling the karma and lonely a the holidays approach? The OM is with his wife and Alley threw away her own family.

So I expect she'll be sitting home alone.


----------



## bandit.45

Shaggy said:


> I wonder if she's feeling the karma and lonely a the holidays approach? The OM is with his wife and Alley threw away her own family.
> 
> So I expect she'll be sitting home alone.


Doubt it it. From what DD told us the OMW was a pushover. Allie will be sitting next to OM at the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jh52

Dingerdad -- how are things going with you and the kids ??


----------



## dingerdad

Thought of this place today. Might be because I signed my divorce today. Just waiting for certificate. So an update is in order I guess..
Me and my ex have both moved. She lives in a small town with the OM. I live in a city about 45 mins away. The kids live with them primarily bit I have them every weekend, holidays, etc. I am involved in their lives as much as I can be. They just started in their new school a few weeks ago and it's been an adjustment for them.

I have a new job, new home, new city, new friends and new life. I needed to start again so I did right after Christmas last year. I don't have any regrets and things are going ok. I have a pretty fl and interesting life now but I miss the kids a lot. There really is no work for me where my ex lives so I think this arrangement we have is going to have to do for now. I've been dating a lot and enjoying the single life. I think I dated half the city at this point. Everyone on here who said don't be scared to be single were right. I've gotten in great shape and am not a bad looking guy. It's been pretty easy to meet women and because of what I went through during the breakdown of my marriage I am a pretty strong, fearless, confident man. Turns out that's kinda sexy lol. 
I did fall in love with an amazing woman who has been through a lot of the same things as me. I never really told her how I felt and "ran" away from her twice now because I'm kinda scared of being in a serious relationship again. I had gotten really good at being single and either wasn't ready to give that up or I just can't trust yet. Still working through that. I have asked her for another chance but she wants me to prove to her that I'm serious about how I feel. No idea how to do that or if I should do anything. 
With what I've learned through my divorce and dating this last year (which by the wAy was made pretty easy by what I learned about the nature of people by chatting on here) I think pulling out all the stops won't work. I'm guessing she's already decided if I'm going to get another chance. If she's decided she's done with me then no matter what I do it won't make a difference. It'll just appear despite and need which will push her away...plus I am neither. I just miss her. If she has decided to give me another chance then if I'm patient then she'll come around. Thoughts?

Anyways that's a brief update. If anyone has any questions I can answer ask way. I hope everyone on here is doing great an for the new people on here...it gets better . If any guys in here are looking to kick ass in the singles world I've learned a lot and if you pm me I'll point you to some resources that have changed my life and made meeting women easier than you'd ever think. 
Dinger


----------



## happyman64

I am glad you updated us Dinger. Many of us on TAM speak often about you.

Can I make one suggestion about your GF??

Tell her the truth. Tell her your fears.

Then see what her decision is about giving you another chance.

Sometimes my friend you have to not be afraid to leave yourself vulnerable to someone you care deeply for.

And after what your Ex put you through many of us know where you are coming from.

But who knows, she could be the one.

I hope you do not pass up the chance to find out.

Best to you and your kids. Glad to see you on the mend.

HM64


----------



## Shaggy

I'm so very sad that your kids are living with the Posom. That seems horribly wrong and unfair to your kids.

Hopefully they recognize him for the filth he is and treat him like e deserves.

I can't remember is the OM up on cheaterville? Now that D is done cn you add ally up there too?


----------



## dingerdad

I am honest with her. Always. That's what scares her. I hurt her because I wasn't ready for what she wanted. She's thinking that I just want her now because I miss her and I don't want anyone else to have her. That as soon as we are in a relationship again that I won't be able to handle it. All I can tell her is I I've her and miss her. I want to try a relationship but I can't promise forever. She needs to hear I'm committed. She really is amazing. She's my best friend and she really turns me on. What's better than that? I just need to get outta my head and let myself love her.


----------



## Shaggy

After the horrible lies and betrayal from ally, it's entirely reasonable that you are gun shy. Ally was completely cold and cruel in her actions.


----------



## TBT

Nice to see things are better for you Dinger and I just hope Ally's actions don't stand in the way of your happiness in life.One of the things I had to accept was to put value and trust in my judgement and choices again,as none of us are really ever sure what's up around the next corner.Wishing the best for you and your kids.


----------



## carpenoctem

*Is it just notional, or true that MOST of those who have walked away have found a better life (by their own estimation)?

Or is it just some sort of TAMnesia that I suffer from?*


----------



## turnera

I tell BS's that all the time, but they usually don't believe me.


----------



## whyeme

I am starting to believe it, early days for me but I am starting to see that life is brighter without stbxw


----------



## dingerdad

I won't put them up in cheaterville. I still have some anger but there are kids involved on both sides. Need to be civil. Plus with primary custody she has a lot if control over my life with the kids and how much money she spends in them that I have to pay. If I play nice my life is a lot easier.


----------



## Shaggy

Do the kids know that the guy living with them is why their family ended?


----------



## dingerdad

It's is alot better than what I went through but if I could go back to before the cheating I might. I don't miss my ex but I miss my old life sometimes. It's different now. Better in some ways, not in other ways. It's just a totally different life an I'm doing ok. I had a really good night with the woman I want to make it work with last night. She's still unsure I can follow through with what I tell her but she is going to give me a chance. She's an angel. Took me awhile to see it but I'm going to try my best to hold into her.


----------



## dingerdad

No they don't know. They are only 7 and 5. I don't plan on telling them. I do have everything of TAM saved, along with emails, texts, etc in case when they are older she ever try's to change history.


----------



## Vulcan2013

Glad you are moving on. Best wishes.


----------



## whyeme

Nice one, I am going to post OM on cheaterville but not stbxw that way I can't get any crap for it divorce wise! he is a cop so if you type his name in to Google guess what comes up high next to his police related stuff hahahaha nothing defamatory just plain and simple facts


----------



## 2asdf2

Dingerdad is a good man who has managed to put this stuff behind him. 

Removing your critical comments about him might help avoid triggers for him, as he was here just a week or so ago.


----------



## manfromlamancha

2asdf2 said:


> Dingerdad is a good man who has managed to put this stuff behind him.
> 
> Removing your critical comments about him might help avoid triggers for him, as he was here just a week or so ago.


Done. Its just that losing kids to POSOM is a major trigger for me.

Anyway hope he is OK


----------



## Chaparral

Ally is notorious for being the worst ww that came herelied on top of lies and gave other people advice. Truly despicable.

I hope we hear about it when the stars align against her.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad just logged on here a week ago. It would be nice if he had an update on his situation.


----------



## manticore

is interesting that her EX keep login in TAM 3 months later after he moved to another city, I guess she wanted to know what he was doing with his life

wondering about his new women maybe.


----------



## dingerdad

An amazing women and her two daughters are moving in with me this month and the "ring" is on order. We plan on having a long engagement but do not want to move in together without that commitment to each other and to show the children. Ive talked about her in my last update. We met over 1 1/2 ago and dated most of the time. I ended it a few times for reasons i didnt really understand at the time. I did it again one more time after my last update. I kept pulling away everytime we started to get really serious until things fell apart. Then as soon as it ended i wanted her back. I feel very lucky that she is with me now. I had no interest in anyone else. Anyway the last time it happened i sought therapy because i knew i loved her and wanted to be with her. Just had unresolved issues from my divorce i need to continue working on. She also has security issues from being cheated on so we are quite the pair! lol Very much in love but use counceling to insure that we are communicating properly and stay on track. Some might say if you need counceling you shouldn't be together but we both enjoy it and it strengthens our relationship. We treat them as dates nights as well. She is my best friend and i finally understand what that means and is like. 
She has two beautiful daughters that i adore and love me. They dont have a strong father figure so they have become very close to me. My children love my girlfriend as well and her daughters. They all decided we were a family long before we decided to become one. Lifes good.
My ex and i have an ok relationship and i also have an ok relationship with the OM. Yes they are still together, happy and in love as much as many on here would think or hope otherwise. Hes good to my kids and takes good care of my ex. I always say besides the fact he f&%$ed my wife he's not a bad guy. lol. My children still live primarily with my ex but my girlfriend and i want to move closer so we can do shared custody again. But its in the control of my girlfriends ex to allow us to the move the children. He works out of town and only has his daughters every third weekend. We'll see what happens in the next little while. Anyways thats a brief update. Any questions ask away.


----------



## BashfulB

Wow, just wow!

You've had an amazing journey Dinger. I admire your resilience and willingness to live and let live. You have shown amazing maturity, self control and strength through this whole ordeal.

Have you forgiven your ex wife? If so, how did you do it? I'm trying to forgive mine, but having a hard time closing the loop. 

I would not give too much credence to how much your ex seems to be happy with her OM. Still waters run deep and I doubt all is as it seems.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Wow dude I haven't read through all your old threads, but it looks like your ex came on here and was committed to R, and all the while she was still seeing other men?

Congrats on your new life. Best wishes for many years of happiness!!!


----------



## bandit.45

Its great to hear you are doing well DD. 

Your XWW is a piece of work, and I doubt her happiness will last long. Anyone as amoral and fvcked up as her cannot maintain good healthy relationships. She had a good thing with you and she threw it away. 

She has a fake good thing going with the OM, and she will eventually throw it away. She is running and hiding from the truth. Well, the truth is a jet powered leviathan. It will catch up to her and run her over one day. 

Ally can play act all she wants... Deep down she knows who and what she is. I see a train wreck in her future...a bad one.


----------



## Q tip

Sounds nice. OM is with a cheater though. He may become betrayed sometime in the future...


----------



## bandit.45

Q tip said:


> Sounds nice. OM is with a cheater though. He may become betrayed sometime in the future...


Or vice versa. 

Wonder what happened to OM's ex wife? Hope she cleaned his clock in the D.


----------



## happyman64

Dinger

How the heck could you not need some therapy after all the crap you and your Ex went through.

Enjoy it. Use it. Learn from it. Both you and your GF.

When you can find love a 2nd time grab it, nurture it and respect it.

I'm glad you updated us and that your life is moving forward again.

As far as Ally and the OM who cares. 

We only care for you, about you and yours.

Good Luck

HM


----------



## dingerdad

Thanks Everyone. My ex hasn't asked for forgiveness so I guess I never thought about it. She has said she's sorry but usually followed by an excuse. It's not a "im sorry and if I could go back I would do things different sorry". It's a "I'm sorry I got caught before I could divorce you and you got hurt worse" kinda sorry. She's not sorry for splitting up her family to be with OM and never would admit it even if she was. You will reach a day where it won't even matter to you. One day you'll just stop caring about the whole thing and realize you've moved on. She does text me a lot if the going on's in her day and life. I laugh in my head because she thinks I really give a ****. Lol I really don't unless it involves the kids. I usually just play nice though because it costs me less in money and time with kids. So stone though for fun I make witty or sarcastic comments until she gets pissed. Usually takes her awhile to catch on though. Blonde you know. Lol. I still hurt sometimes but it's usually when my children are laying with me at night or cuddling on couch. I hurt for them and what they've lost and for myself that we can't be in each other's lives everyday like we should be. That's the only thing that bothers me know and that will never change.


----------



## lordmayhem

dingerdad said:


> Thanks Everyone. My ex hasn't asked for forgiveness so I guess I never thought about it. She has said she's sorry but usually followed by an excuse. It's not a "im sorry and if I could go back I would do things different sorry". It's a "I'm sorry I got caught before I could divorce you and you got hurt worse" kinda sorry. She's not sorry for splitting up her family to be with OM and never would admit it even if she was. You will reach a day where it won't even matter to you. One day you'll just stop caring about the whole thing and realize you've moved on. She does text me a lot if the going on's in her day and life. I laugh in my head because she thinks I really give a ****. Lol I really don't unless it involves the kids. I usually just play nice though because it costs me less in money and time with kids. So stone though for fun I make witty or sarcastic comments until she gets pissed. Usually takes her awhile to catch on though. Blonde you know. Lol. I still hurt sometimes but it's usually when my children are laying with me at night or cuddling on couch. I hurt for them and what they've lost and for myself that we can't be in each other's lives everyday like we should be. That's the only thing that bothers me know and that will never change.


You already know she's a master liar, she deceived you and all of us here in the forum. She can pretend she's happy all she wants. She could be miserable, but put on the act that she's the happiest woman in the world. 

See, this is why I don't believe in the karmus bus. When the BS's life goes in the sh!tter, people are quick to say its karma. I say its a coincidence. As far as I know my ex-wife never got his by the karma bus either.

I really wish you could get full custody someday soon.


----------



## dingerdad

I guess for those wondering about Karma bus....She had a previous medical condition that became complicated when she became sick with simple slap face disease. She has braces on both her legs and uses a cane now. She is handicapped and on disability. It's not funny or anything I feel good or take pleasure in but it is what it is. OM had a massive heartattack about a year ago and nearly died. He is fine now but has to be careful and is on meds. The OM wife did go after him hard. My EX told me the financial details for some reason. She made out with over 7 figures that he makes 100000 payments on. It's causes them a lot of stress. My wife's says terrible things about how she screwed them which I think is to funny because that's what they deserved. They are not broke because of it but could be better.


----------



## BetrayedDad

dingerdad said:


> She had a previous medical condition that became complicated when she became sick with *simple slap face disease.*





dingerdad said:


> It's not funny or anything


Hmmmm.... You sure??? 

Not that I wish ill on people or anything but it sounds funny as hell.


----------



## farsidejunky

*Re: Re: D-day 3!*



lordmayhem said:


> You already know she's a master liar, she deceived you and all of us here in the forum. She can pretend she's happy all she wants. She could be miserable, but put on the act that she's the happiest woman in the world.
> 
> See, this is why I don't believe in the karmus bus. When the BS's life goes in the sh!tter, people are quick to say its karma. I say its a coincidence. As far as I know my ex-wife never got his by the karma bus either.
> 
> I really wish you could get full custody someday soon.


Maybe she did get hit...


----------



## bandit.45

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe she did get hit...


Yeah but she will never admit it. 

Aly's pridefulness is boundless. She simply will not admit that she is in the wrong. Unbelievable.


----------



## bandit.45

There is a reason why she keeps texting you DD....

By making herself believe the two of you are still friends, it solidifies her internal false dialogue that her leaving you was the right thing to do, and that the two of you were never meant to be together forever, and that her affair and desertion of the marriage was fore-ordained as her best destiny. It makes her feel better about herself and allows her to live the illusion that she is not the cold hearted snake that everyone else thinks she is. 

You should stop answering her texts unless they specifically address something going on with the kids.


----------



## convert

bandit.45 said:


> There is a reason why she keeps texting you DD....
> 
> By making herself believe the two of you are still friends, it solidifies her internal false dialogue that her leaving you was the right thing to do, and that the two of you were never meant to be together forever, and that her affair and desertion of the marriage was fore-ordained as her best destiny. It makes her feel better about herself and allows her to live the illusion that she is not the cold hearted snake that everyone else thinks she is.
> 
> You should stop answering her texts unless they specifically address something going on with the kids.


:iagree:

and when her Om/husband dies of a second heart attach she probably thinks she might have a chance to come back to you.


----------



## bandit.45

convert said:


> :iagree:
> 
> and when her Om/husband dies of a second heart attach she thinks she might have a chance to come back to you.


Naw.

That skank will be spreading those braces for some other dooshwad before her dead OM has even been laid in the ground.


----------



## Truthseeker1

Dinger I'm glad you are doing well - as to your ex and her POSOM (which is what he will always be) I have no sympathy for them. Their little "love story" makes me nauseous and they deserve to have the karma bus not only hit them but back up over them. They destroyed two families because they are two very selfish people. In reality they deserve eachother and all the misery that goes along with it. I like the POSOM's wife - I'm glad she took him to the cleaners - she deserves every penny. 

I do agree with the other posters - you should be only talking to your ex as it pertains to the kids and nothing else. She deserves to stew in her own misery. She does not deserve a shoulder to cry on but a kick in the pants. Keep her out of your life as much as possible. She is trying to be a cake eater - keep you around to talk to and have her POSOM as well. Do not give her that satisfaction.

I wish you luck with your new lady. Any decent HUMAN would be a huge upgrade over your ex.


----------



## bandit.45

Ally will stay with her OM because, frankly, who else would ever take her now? She's a handicapped woman with a cheating past. She would be burden to any man at the very least. Not a commodity that any man would want.


----------



## Truthseeker1

bandit.45 said:


> Ally will stay with her OM because, frankly, who else would ever take her now? She's a handicapped woman with a cheating past. She would be burden to any man at the very least. Not a commodity that any man would want.


Dinger dodged a bullet and got to trade up. Dinger I wish you nothing but TRUE happiness with your new family.


----------



## tom67

Truthseeker1 said:


> Dinger dodged a bullet and got to trade up. Dinger I wish you nothing but TRUE happiness with your new family.


:iagree::iagree:
And I hope he and his gf get to move closer other than that it sounds like he is doing quite well.


----------



## bandit.45

And what's sad is that, once the OM croaks, in the not-to-distant future, she will be alone. Unable to do much with her kids, more of a burden to everyone around her than anything else. 

I smell cats in her future.


----------



## Truthseeker1

bandit.45 said:


> And what's sad is that, once the OM croaks, in the not-to-distant future, she will be alone. Unable to do much with her kids, more of a burden to everyone around her than anything else.
> 
> I smell cats in her future.


Her choices - her consequences. I have zero sympathy for her or the POSOM


----------



## dingerdad

Hey. It's Friday!! Life's good. No more ex talk for me today.  Heading home soon to work on a Dogrun with the future Mrs D! Love her so much her two big dogs are moving in as well as the two girls. With four kids under eight between the two of us it's going to be a full house! I'm really not a fan of big dogs in the city or house but I've accepted it. Haven't accepted dog **** on my lawn though lol. Hence the dog run I need to finish. Good luck to you all and have a great weekend!


----------



## workindad

DD glad to hear that you are moving forward. Sounds like you definitely improved your situation with the removal of a liar and cheat from your home. 

Best of luck as you continue to move forward with your life. 

I agree with recent posts. She is likely texting you so much to make herself feel better and to show everyone how well this worked out and how it was for the best in the end. In other word she justifies her actions by keeping you as a friend. You have no obligation to make her feel better about her choices. You don't needs to be rude you also don't need to be a sounding board for her complaints about posoms wife that she helped to screw over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ripper

Agree with the majority, reduce contact to the minimal necessary to co-parent. 

She believes that the two of you being friendly means that her infidelity was an no-harm no-foul. Even though you are moving onward and upward, I wouldn't provided her that comfort.

Glad to see you doing so well after such a ruthless betrayal.


----------



## dingerdad

It really doesn't matter to me what she believes. I just do what I need to do and tell her what I need to tell her to make my life easier. Responding to her texts is pretty much a selfish thing with motives that help me....and I don't feel bad about that.


----------



## Decorum

Someone says "I don’t believe in Karma" and then DD tells what has happened and it’s almost a worst case scenario, that is ironic you gotta admit.

If you listen to Art Bell you know (ok, not really) that if we all put out our intention out into the universe we can stop OM’s ticker.

Seriously, the best thing that can happen now is that they both live a long life while being able to support themselves.

It will be a difficult situation if the mother of his children becomes destitute; so yay, live long and prosper.

Dingerdad will not have to wrestle with being a dingy life boat.

Which is why I think she wants to be on good terms, but that is just my speculation.

Dinger I am glad it has worked out for you congratulations!!!


----------



## tom67

Decorum said:


> Someone says "I don’t believe in Karma" and then DD tells what has happened and it’s almost a worst case scenario, that is ironic you gotta admit.
> 
> If you listen to Art Bell you know (ok, not really) that if we all put out our intention out into the universe we can stop OM’s ticker.
> 
> Seriously, the best thing that can happen now is that they both live a long life while being able to support themselves.
> 
> It will be a difficult situation if the mother of his children becomes destitute; so yay, live long and prosper.
> 
> Dingerdad will not have to wrestle with being a dingy life boat.
> 
> Which is why I think she wants to be on good terms, but that is just my speculation.
> 
> Dinger I am glad it has worked out for you congratulations!!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## warlock07

dingerdad said:


> Thanks Everyone. My ex hasn't asked for forgiveness so I guess I never thought about it. She has said she's sorry but usually followed by an excuse. It's not a "im sorry and if I could go back I would do things different sorry". It's a "I'm sorry I got caught before I could divorce you and you got hurt worse" kinda sorry. She's not sorry for splitting up her family to be with OM and never would admit it even if she was. You will reach a day where it won't even matter to you. One day you'll just stop caring about the whole thing and realize you've moved on. She does text me a lot if the going on's in her day and life. I laugh in my head because she thinks I really give a ****. Lol I really don't unless it involves the kids. I usually just play nice though because it costs me less in money and time with kids. So stone though for fun I make witty or sarcastic comments until she gets pissed. Usually takes her awhile to catch on though. Blonde you know. Lol. I still hurt sometimes but it's usually when my children are laying with me at night or cuddling on couch. I hurt for them and what they've lost and for myself that we can't be in each other's lives everyday like we should be. That's the only thing that bothers me know and that will never change.


She needs to live with herself without hating herself. 

You are separated, but she needs to with herself. So the self defense mechanism kicks in.


----------



## warlock07

dd's first post on this site. almost prophetic



> This is my first post. I have read a lot of threads throughout my seperation with my fWW and continue to do so through R. I believe this site has saved my marriage. I have a long story that I will post on here at some point. Short form is my wife had a 10 month mostly EA with a man she met through work. I say mostly because they met a few times and had sex on one occasion. I know this for a fact as I have seen a lot of thier correspondence. My Question is how important is it to get my wife's phone passwords, email passwords, etc? *I knew all of these during the last few months of my wife's affair and it did me no good. She simply created email accounts I didn't know existed. She would also delete any messages from the OM as soon as she read them. I was very suspicious during the last few months and would go through her work phone and her personnel cell every chance I got with a fine tooth comb and I never found anything. Same with emails and Facebook. The way I look at it now is that if she wants to hide something she has gotten pretty good at it and I would not be able to find it.* I would probably drive myself nuts looking for something that isn't there. She has written the no contact letter, committed to me and our marrige. She has started going to friends and relatives that have been hurt by this one at a time and apologizing for the hurt she has caused. She has offered her passwords etc to me because everything we have read recommends this but I turned them down for now. I want to be done being a detective and continue working on my marriage. Any advice?


----------



## lordmayhem

Decorum said:


> Someone says "I don’t believe in Karma" and then DD tells what has happened and it’s almost a worst case scenario, that is ironic you gotta admit.


Indeed, that would be me. 

And I still say it would be a coincidence. Because karma is circular. That would mean that each and every one of us BSs deserved to be cheated on. 

Be that as it may, it's good that DD has moved on and good things are happening for him.


----------



## warlock07

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/36323-phones-passwords-email-facebook-etc.html

LM was hitting everything out of the park with his advice on DD's first thread..

interesting to read it in hindsight....

this part is hilarious though



lordmayhem said:


> Someone else take this. I'm tired of explaining to the newbies over and over and over again why monitoring is essential for stopping any fishing and rebuilding trust.
> 
> Do you lock your doors at night? Because if burglars really wanted to, they could break into your home even if you lock your doors and windows, right? So why bother locking them?


----------

