# Done the worse thing to my spouse, am in a state of abuse on my end...now what?



## BiConfused (May 23, 2012)

Married more than 10 years, 2 children, happy for most of this time...I kept things from her, I was abused by a male in my life while a teen and I kept it s secret as it was the only times when I felt someone cared deeply about me...I know sad but true. Since then I naturally had confusion and kept away from female or male interactions sexually until college and then it was just female and no intercourse. Met my wife and fell for her immediately...she changed my life for the better. 14 yrs into our relationshsip I met a guy who made it all so easy, so open and liberating was how he described what we could have and I stepped over the line and cheated. He made me feel special, juts like in my youth, I am the epitome of the abuse case, absent father, dominant mother all that psycho babble...I let things out to my wife after asking for a separation as I felt gulity and confused. It has been over a year and hell has continued to ensue. many different counselors have been seen, many arguments, crying, tears, reconcilliation, doubts, more fear and rage....I am seeing a therpist still to leanr how to be in touch with my self, be more self-aware and discover how to be a better person by not letting my past shape me...forget the excuses, see she is my life and repent as often as I can. Today finds me in total flux as the light at the end of this tunnel looks so bleak...we are still together, she states I have no rights to say anything other than be grateful she is still puttin gup with me, this I get by I am a human being, at my core am I setting myself up to be a doormat for abuse? It has become open game for her to hit me, lash out verbally and harass me while at work. It is not a constant thing, she says she is just having a bad day and I need ot hug her through this, not run and hide...believe me I have done that but it has not helped at all. A dear friend knows the entire story and he tells me to run, she will never forgive me and never trust me...but I love her, I love my kids and our life...is it possible for this to ever get better...anyone have a similar things happen in their lives? Yes the male is gone from my life, I have wised up to what he was about and want to move on...we are hoping to find a new counselor after several failed ones.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Physical abuse is NOT okay. Not even if you cheated on her. Not even if you cheated on her with a man. It's spousal abuse and it is NOT okay. And what do you think your children are learning from watching their mother hit their father?

And if you've been through "several failed counselors", who's failing, really?

If she is being physically and verbally abusive to you, I think you should leave. Perhaps leave with the intention of reconciling later, but this pattern does not seem to suggest a happy ending. Your friend is right.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Reconciliation is a two way street. Yes the heavier burden is on the cheater, but it is not a one way deal. Once you have given everything you can towards the effort you may have to face that despite saying she wants to reconcile she really doesn't.

My parents did this - or something very similar - he cheated, they stayed together but never ever got over it. Today, IMO they have a shell of a marriage and neither are happy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your username seems to indicate you don't know whether you want to be with her or him (or at least some-him). I think you need to figure that out before you reconcile.

Especially since she's so abusive, I think you should move out. Do any of these counselors deal with sexual abuse?


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## BiConfused (May 23, 2012)

Through therapy I know I am BI- not confused over that, am confused over how I am going to make my marriage work at this point. I have tried everything, weekend counseling, 4 individual counselors, one a christian based on...I know this a horrible thing Ive done...but a year later I am being accused of having sex with every person in mylife behind the scenes, she is making connections to things that are absurd and I have no leg to stand on...I've told her I love her and only her and that this is not a "need" or a "desire" or about body parts to me...actually feel closer to her tha ever...but imagine doing something so bad and hearing how bad you are on a continuous basis....it hits its limits and as even keeled as I am I am startign to lose it>


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Bi, as you just pointed out, you have tried everything. YOU. Not her. YOU. Alas, one person does not a reconciliation make.

And staying around and putting up with abuse is not only bad for you and your children, it's also strategically stupid, as it makes her lose respect for you. GET OUT. Just for a while, ok, just make it a trial separation, but you are not thinking clearly, IMO.

Pack a bag and leave. And keep up with counseling ON YOUR OWN.

Parenthetically, I am pleased that you are not getting all mired down in the sexual orientation thing -- this isn't about that, and I'm glad you recognize that.


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## BiConfused (May 23, 2012)

I did leave for a couple of weeks, nothing improved, came back as she needs me and I need her. My initial ask of her to separate was for just that a trial. Mainly as I felt he was so in my head I needed to get him out and see things clearly, and yes our marriage was at a very bad lull point. 
She would not let that trial happen and demanded details and names and pictures and etc etc etc and after holding back I gave her so much...it bites me to this day, everyday.
Sex is sex, it is like eating and breathing...I made a terrible decision and bad choices and just want ot make amends. Just cause I find both sexes attractive does not mean I am forever going to act on it...totally straight people do not comprehend this I think. 

I just want to not be plummeted into despair ove rthis, to hear how I badly treated her, how awful I was, it is so hard to cme out of with someone as you try to reconcile.
I am more self-aware than ever, and I hope she accepts me as such and knows I am the man I am and the one she does love.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Are you going to keep tolerating her physical abuse?


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## BiConfused (May 23, 2012)

No< I made her aware by telling her she was abusing me...her reply was "I know"...I called 911 at her last attempt to come at me with fists blazing. I told them it was a mistake but warned next time I wont lie.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You can't make her come around - just like she can't make you not cheat again. I cheated to - EA - and the one thing I told my wife that wasn't an apology was to let me know if she couldn't get past what I did - that I had no intention of living the rest of my life getting my ass kicked for a screw up - that I would do everything in my power to fix it and it would never happen again but that if she couldn't eventually get past it - I would rather leave. While this may sound cold and heartless given I had just confessed to cheating and I may get blasted by some of the BS here - it was based on watching my parents. My wife understood having watched them for 20 years herself - fortunately it wasn't an issue. 

I meant it when I said it - you should to.


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## BiConfused (May 23, 2012)

I did not do that at first, tell her to decide now at the start or be done with me o not, could she get past it was something I thought would happene eventually, that I would take what I deserved and it would pass but it is only escalating.

I have just recently been telling her I am done with getting my ass kicked, her response is I am lucky and grateful that she is putting up with me, and I dont recognize how cruel I am being...context of that is exactly what you wrote, that I state I do not want to sit by and get lamb basted for my error for the entire marriage!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BiConfused said:


> lamb basted for my error for the entire marriage!


You didn't make an ERROR. You made a choice. That choice has brought consequences. 

I think in your case the consequence is that your marriage is done and you both need to part ways.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> You can't make her come around - just like she can't make you not cheat again. I cheated to - EA - and the one thing I told my wife that wasn't an apology was to let me know if she couldn't get past what I did - *that I had no intention of living the rest of my life getting my ass kicked for a screw up* - that I would do everything in my power to fix it and it would never happen again but that if she couldn't eventually get past it - I would rather leave. While this may sound cold and heartless given I had just confessed to cheating and I may get blasted by some of the BS here - it was based on watching my parents. My wife understood having watched them for 20 years herself - fortunately it wasn't an issue.
> 
> I meant it when I said it - you should to.





BiConfused said:


> I did not do that at first, tell her to decide now at the start or be done with me o not, could she get past it was something I thought would happene eventually, that I would take what I deserved and it would pass but it is only escalating.
> 
> I have just recently been telling her I am done with getting my ass kicked, her response is I am lucky and grateful that she is putting up with me, and I dont recognize how cruel I am being...*context of that is exactly what you wrote, that I state I do not want to sit by and get lamb basted for my error for the entire marriage*!



To me, it's that exact attitude that is upsetting about having a partner cheat.
Seriously, who are you to dictate when your SO has moved past their own anger/hostility about what YOU did.
Cheating wasn't a screw up, it wasn't an error or mistake, it was a CHOICE, one that you made *without any *care about your SO.
If my husband cheated on me & then had the gall to tell me that I had better get over what he had done, or else he would leave, I'd be gone so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.
You do the crime, then do the time & if you can't, then don't put it back on your BS & make it seemed it's now THEIR fault you can't R.
Maybe you should hav e thought about that before you cheated.
Do what you should have done before the cheating...leave. 
I wager that for any WS who has made those very demands on their BS, that someday it's going to come back to bite them in the a*s, because it was a forced accommodation & not a nautral occurrence brought on by a true R.


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