# Did I ruin sex for my husband?



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I've been reading tons of threads on here and really enjoying the insightful responses... so I decided to join, especially since I could use some advice. I'm 30, my husband is 33, we have been married for 1.5 years. We have a strong loving D/s relationship (he's the dominant one) and have since we met. 

I am feeling confused. We are in the process of moving; the new place is still getting ready so in the meantime we've been staying at my h's parents' house. We have been here for over a month now and will be probably for another 2 weeks... I do not have a problem AT ALL with having sex here but H will not do it. We have our own bedroom. I have tried to initiate many times, trying to give oral or just sex, or anal, anything. He always says no. 

I don't really understand this. I can be quiet if necessary and it's not like they are hanging around outside the door. He does not seem to be in any hurry to move to our new place, he keeps saying, "what's the rush? Don't stress out about it." 

Before the move, our sex life was highly dependent on my health (stomach issues). On some days, sex makes me nauseated and I have to stop - I worry that I have had too many bad days and now he is afraid to have sex with me because it might make me sick. I also have to take a pill every time we have sex to prevent chronic UTIs, and get up immediately after sex and pee/wash. Even despite all of that, before the move we did have sex regularly although not as often as most couples because of my health issues, however it wasn't terrible, I can remember clearly that the week before the move we had sex every day. 

We use condoms because I have had problems with the pill and the IUD. Also, sometimes sex hurts me - most of the time that turns both of us on but sometimes for some reason it's not the right kind of pain (??) and I need him to stop / change what he's doing. I'm afraid that he is not enjoying sex so much because of the fear of making me sick, the condoms, me being inconsistent about whether I can handle pain. We are extremely physical and intimate even here at the ILs, he loves to be touched all the time, and he knows that I'm available, but nothing is happening. 

- Have I ruined sex for my husband by having these health problems? 

- Are condoms really that terrible for a man? He doesn't complain but when I had the IUD it was amazing in a way that it just isn't with condoms. I miss it too but not enough to make me want sex less.

I just feel like a terrible wife for having the health problems and BC problems. A healthy woman would not have any of this.

- Is this for real about not wanting to have sex because of the ILs being around / it being their house? Or is this an excuse?

- What would the ideal solution to this be from a man's perspective? 

Sorry this is so long... thanks for any advice/insight!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

omega said:


> - Have I ruined sex for my husband by having these health problems?


Probably not. Since the problems started at the exact time you began staying with your in-laws, I think that is probably the problem.



omega said:


> - Are condoms really that terrible for a man? He doesn't complain but when I had the IUD it was amazing in a way that it just isn't with condoms. I miss it too but not enough to make me want sex less.


Condoms certainly decrease sensation. But, sex with a condom is still better than a poke in the eye. Since there's a legitimate need for condoms, I wouldn't worry about it. And, there are ultra-thin condoms that aren't too bad.



omega said:


> I just feel like a terrible wife for having the health problems and BC problems. A healthy woman would not have any of this.


Do you have these issues because of your choices and/or behavior, or is it just luck of the draw? If this is just bad luck, then you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. In that case, you shouldn't feel guilty. And your husband was aware of your issues before marriage, correct? If so, then he chose to be with you anyway.



omega said:


> - Is this for real about not wanting to have sex because of the ILs being around / it being their house? Or is this an excuse?


It could be either. But the simplest explanation is that this disruption is to blame.



omega said:


> - What would the ideal solution to this be from a man's perspective?


I think you're doing it. You're willing to make the best of a bad situation. Ideal would be your own place where you're free to swing from the chandeliers. Given you're guests, you have to find time and stay quiet.

You need to be frank with your husband and tell him that the lack of sex is a problem. He may have a reason you haven't even considered. Maybe he thought you wouldn't mind, since no sex means no medical complications for you. If you tell him you need him to take care of you, I bet he will.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Do you have these issues because of your choices and/or behavior, or is it just luck of the draw? If this is just bad luck, then you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. In that case, you shouldn't feel guilty. And your husband was aware of your issues before marriage, correct? If so, then he chose to be with you anyway.


I suppose it's luck of the draw. I had undiagnosed gall bladder disease for a number of years, when it was finally diagnosed and gall bladder removed, instead of overnight being perfect, I still have some of the same symptoms, but it's definitely better. I've been told it should get better over time and 10 years post-op it should be fine. Still 9 years to go on that if that's true. Sometimes I take an anti-nausea pill (like Dramamine) before we have sex to reduce the likelihood but it makes me a bit b*tchy so ... I don't know what's better. UTI's...I've been getting since I was 10. He knew about this stuff before we got married, that is true.



> You need to be frank with your husband and tell him that the lack of sex is a problem. He may have a reason you haven't even considered. Maybe he thought you wouldn't mind, since no sex means no medical complications for you. If you tell him you need him to take care of you, I bet he will.


Okay so, he's out of town for a few days, just now on the phone I asked (in a nice way) when we would have sex and he said "in 10 days" - he will only be out of town a few more days so I guess he is estimating that in 10 days we will be sleeping at our new place. I can wait 10 days or 2 weeks or a month or whatever it may be, if it's really just the location. We talk about it all the time and it's always "as soon as we're in the new house" and that's fine if it's true. It's not the length of time so much as it's the potential that there's something more going on.

I feel a lot of guilt about the medical issues. I didn't cause them on purpose but I have often felt like he would be much happier (even though he has never indicated that he is not happy) if I were healthy. I don't have anything life threatening and it's just uncomfortable, so I sometimes feel like I should just suck it up and get over it. But having sex while nauseated is never ever going to work for me, so as long as I have this problem, he will always be partially waiting for me to stop him during sex, and I know this is not good for anybody. For a while I was developing a phobia of having sex in certain positions because it seemed to be worse that way. I am starting to get better because it seems more time goes by between episodes of this. He doesn't do anything to make me feel guilty - this is my own issue but I suppose it's a big one.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

omega said:


> I suppose it's luck of the draw. I had undiagnosed gall bladder disease for a number of years, when it was finally diagnosed and gall bladder removed, instead of overnight being perfect, I still have some of the same symptoms, but it's definitely better. I've been told it should get better over time and 10 years post-op it should be fine. Still 9 years to go on that if that's true. Sometimes I take an anti-nausea pill (like Dramamine) before we have sex to reduce the likelihood but it makes me a bit b*tchy so ... I don't know what's better. UTI's...I've been getting since I was 10. He knew about this stuff before we got married, that is true.
> 
> 
> Okay so, he's out of town for a few days, just now on the phone I asked (in a nice way) when we would have sex and he said "in 10 days" - he will only be out of town a few more days so I guess he is estimating that in 10 days we will be sleeping at our new place. I can wait 10 days or 2 weeks or a month or whatever it may be, if it's really just the location. We talk about it all the time and it's always "as soon as we're in the new house" and that's fine if it's true. It's not the length of time so much as it's the potential that there's something more going on.
> ...



Ask your dr about zophran for nausea I think it will take care of the nausea and relieve the *****yness caused by dramimine.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

he cant do it at his parents place?
h3ll, i did it im my mothers bed when we went to visit her for thanksgiving last year.

reserve a hotel 1 night and see if he acts on that.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My W has sorta the same problem, she gets nauseated, and sometimes it hurts her.

I know it's not her fault, and I bear her no ill-will, but I have to admit, nothing kills my mood like the thought that it is hurting her or unpleasant for her. Don't blame yourself-it's not your fault.

And as far as condoms-I'm glad we don't have to use them anymore. Putting on a condom is awkward at best, buzzkilling at worst.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I will ask my doctor about Zofran... I'm actually going to ask about trying yet another oral contraceptive - the ones I've tried in the past (3 or 4) murdered my sex drive completely (which I suppose is a form of birth control in itself).

I like the hotel idea. I wouldn't mind the car, even. 

F-102, thanks for your post, I know it's not my fault and yet it's not his fault either and he suffers. I am putting the oral contraceptive on the list of priorities for the next 2 months (have to find a new gyno in the city we're moving to first). If it works, I think that right there would give him a big psychological lift. I want a tubal ligation (we're childfree and want to stay that way) but he says that if I ever changed my mind, and regretted it, how awful that would be, because he knows 3 or 4 women who always wanted to stay childfree until their forties and then changed their minds, but I would do the TL in a heartbeat.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

omega said:


> I suppose it's luck of the draw. I had undiagnosed gall bladder disease for a number of years, when it was finally diagnosed and gall bladder removed, instead of overnight being perfect, I still have some of the same symptoms, but it's definitely better. I've been told it should get better over time and 10 years post-op it should be fine. Still 9 years to go on that if that's true. Sometimes I take an anti-nausea pill (like Dramamine) before we have sex to reduce the likelihood but it makes me a bit b*tchy so ... I don't know what's better. UTI's...I've been getting since I was 10. He knew about this stuff before we got married, that is true.
> 
> 
> Okay so, he's out of town for a few days, just now on the phone I asked (in a nice way) when we would have sex and he said "in 10 days" - he will only be out of town a few more days so I guess he is estimating that in 10 days we will be sleeping at our new place. I can wait 10 days or 2 weeks or a month or whatever it may be, if it's really just the location. We talk about it all the time and it's always "as soon as we're in the new house" and that's fine if it's true. It's not the length of time so much as it's the potential that there's something more going on.
> ...


Gallbladder stuff can take some time to resolve. I had issues off and on for a few years until I found out I had gallstones and then had to have my gallbaldder removed. Most of the doctors that I went to said it could take up to a year to get back to normal, and I would say that has been true for me. Ten years seems like a long time for things to settle. Have you gone and had a second opinion? Is there something other than the gallbladder going on?

I know what it's like to have crummy health issues. I also struggle with severe hypothyroidism and my levels go up and down and it's been a bear to regulate. That really puts a dampener on things. However, I no longer feel guilty about it. It just is, and I had to learn how to accept it and work with it and move on. I think you will need to get to this point too - anyone with a long-term chronic condition does. The spouse also needs to get to this point of acceptance and understanding. And my H and I have found out that there's a whole lot of ways to be intimate with each other that don't involve intercourse. Have you and your husband tried to explore any of those ways? Here is an interesting book that I saw another member recently recommend: Amazon.com: Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse (9780874779561): Marty Klein, Riki Robbins: Books

So, I sense a level of insecurity in your posts. Does your husband give you any reason why you would feel insecure? He seems to be pretty cool with your issues from what you have written. So, perhaps you need to look deep into yourself and start working on some of those insecurities. You can't help the health issues you have, but you can work on them, and you can try your best to not let them get you down. This is what I live by:

"_Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you_." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

God Bless.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> And my H and I have found out that there's a whole lot of ways to be intimate with each other that don't involve intercourse. Have you and your husband tried to explore any of those ways?


We do a lot of these "alternatives" but sometimes I let it get me down and don't do anything because of it - this is clearly not helping anything either. I've been doing a lot of thinking (I think this is natural since he's out of town - gives me some space to think things through) and I have not been as 'available' as I like to think I am. I don't actually say "no" but I do little "evasive maneuvers" if I'm not feeling up to it (and that includes if I'm nervous about feeling ill, not just if I already feel ill). One thing that does work is when I first wake up, before I eat anything, I'm usually fine, so if I can just get him to be less of a sleepyhead in the mornings, that would really help.



> So, I sense a level of insecurity in your posts. Does your husband give you any reason why you would feel insecure? He seems to be pretty cool with your issues from what you have written. So, perhaps you need to look deep into yourself and start working on some of those insecurities.


Yes, I have lots of insecurities... I have a long history of making poor choices because of those insecurities, and I've only in the last 3-4 years gotten to a place where I think I'm a pretty cool person. I have tons of physical/body insecurities, I used to be very fat and lost 100 lbs, this is actually what caused the gallstones so I suppose I did bring it all on myself, but even though I'm not fat anymore, I still have a lot of negative feelings about my body and a lot of that translates to sex and myself as a wife / sexual partner. I have a LOT of work to do on myself and I do have an issue with questioning things and rushing to bad conclusions. 

Thank for that book link, that looks interesting. I made the mistake a few times of not stopping sex when I was feeling ill and H told me later that since I didn't stop it then, he worries I might not at some future time and that makes him worry while we have sex that I might not be okay (but that I'm hiding it). It would be nice if I could find other things to do when I'm feeling ill (or in the 3 hours after I've eaten anything!) so that I can rebuild that trust.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

omega said:


> We do a lot of these "alternatives" but sometimes I let it get me down and don't do anything because of it - this is clearly not helping anything either. I've been doing a lot of thinking (I think this is natural since he's out of town - gives me some space to think things through) and I have not been as 'available' as I like to think I am. I don't actually say "no" but I do little "evasive maneuvers" if I'm not feeling up to it (and that includes if I'm nervous about feeling ill, not just if I already feel ill). One thing that does work is when I first wake up, before I eat anything, I'm usually fine, so if I can just get him to be less of a sleepyhead in the mornings, that would really help.
> 
> 
> Yes, I have lots of insecurities... I have a long history of making poor choices because of those insecurities, and I've only in the last 3-4 years gotten to a place where I think I'm a pretty cool person. I have tons of physical/body insecurities, I used to be very fat and lost 100 lbs, this is actually what caused the gallstones so I suppose I did bring it all on myself, but even though I'm not fat anymore, I still have a lot of negative feelings about my body and a lot of that translates to sex and myself as a wife / sexual partner. I have a LOT of work to do on myself and I do have an issue with questioning things and rushing to bad conclusions.
> ...


Congratulations on your weight loss! You should feel proud of that.

Have you ever considered doing individual counseling - to help you work through some of those insecurities and issues that you have? Do you think you could be 'pysching yourself out' during sex - worrying that you will feel ill and thus it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy? Just exploring possibilities. 

God Bless.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

I know that for me having family around is definitely a sex-mood kill. EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

When my gallbladder was removed it took me 3 years to get back to normal. 10 years sounds off the scale to me.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Stonewall that is GOOD NEWS! Thank you!  It was actually my dad who told me 10 years (he had his gallbladder out around the same age as I did) but of course I have no idea.

I wonder if you would mind telling me (PM is fine) what the symptoms were that you had in those 3 years after the operation? I assume that my symptoms are from that so it would be kind of nice to know what others experienced. Hope that's not too nosy and definitely feel free to ignore if you like


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

omega ~

Have you tried keeping a food diary? I'm about 18 months out on my gallbladder removal. Most things have returned to 'normal', but I still have certain foods, or combinations of foods, that bother me. Some things are just a lot harder to digest.

I also have to gauge the amount of food that I eat - I have not been able to eat the same size meals as before, and will often have to have a small snack between meals.

I did start keeping a food diary because some foods seemed to be bad news for me (did not get nauseated, but would have a lot of "gurgling" guts, if you will.) You might want to try keeping a food diary for awhile - the things you are eating can make all the difference in the world and some of them may be triggering your nausea.

Best of luck.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I haven't done a food diary but I have to be very careful about anything fatty or "heavy," and definitely have to limit the amount I eat (hardly a bad thing to be doing anyway!). I have to stay away from beans unless they've been cooked in a pressure cooker, then they're fine. And meat is a big no-no. I eat it very rarely, would never eat it if we weren't served it by others.

It's definitely the case that I'm happiest if I haven't eaten, or if I eat extremely lightly. Unfortunately, I get just as hungry as a normal person, and all that goes out the window haha. 

This is really important to me. I'm going to make a concerted effort to refigure our schedule (sleep, food, etc) so this is not getting in the way so much. Our schedule has been:

I wake up before he does but he wants to sleep as late as possible before he has to get up for work. therefore, no time in the morning.

He doesn't eat lunch at work so when he gets home we eat right away. therefore, no time in the afternoon because we've just eaten.

We eat a very late dinner because we ate a late lunch, so no time at night because we've just eaten.

I'm going to send him to work with a snack and make time BEFORE our very late lunch (around 5pm), plus see what we can do about the mornings. I need to get off my nighttime = sex mindset because at night my digestive system is at its worst.


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