# need truthful male perspective



## snow73 (Feb 22, 2010)

I have been happily married for almost ten years. We have three beautiful boys, the last one was just born this month. I have always and will always have body issues, I would be lying if 
I said that my issues did not play a role in our sex life. Just before I got pregnant with our last (which was a suprise) I had really been working out and finally felt ok about my body. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy and I know that it is going to take some time to get any kind of figure back. Well, I have always known that my H likes to look at porn on the internet, I have never liked it, but I knew that he did it. I can not describe how bad it hurts that he looks it - but it really bothers me that he looked at it while I was pregnant and then - the first time I leave the house with our newborn - he is all over the internet. Now, I know it sounds like I was checking up on him but when I got home I went to check out my FB page and I noticed that the history had been deleted - that was my first clue - then we got spammed by a webcam site. So here is my question for all of you men out there....do most all men look at porn? I have read on other posts that it doesn't mean anything but I just can not wrap my brain around that! If you are totally and completely satisfied with your wife and you think she is the most beautiful thing in the world - why do you look at other women? Do you think about them when you are with your wife?Those women are half my age and I didn't look anything like that when I was there age! I am so hurt and I know that I need to talk to him - I just wanted some input. Thanks!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The short answer is, yes. The analogy I have used previously is that porn is the equivalent of sexual fast food for most of us. It is quick, easy, cheap and gets the job done. For most, it is nowhere nearly as emotionally satisfying as being able to connect with our partner. We use it when our partners are either physically, or mentally unavailable.

My wife had horrendous pregnancies, and we had sexual issues on top of that. We were very open about porn, she knew that I viewed it, and I never made a secret of it. I also made it abundantly clear that I would prefer her - but as I indicated, she wasn't available. Frankly, she was relieved that I had another outlet that took expectations away from her.

We are not wired to shut off our desire. This can be and has been argued ad nauseum. It is entirely possible to have a mind blowing sexual session with your partner on one day, think about it the next day - when your partner isn't available and your horny as hell, so you use porn as a release.

Overwhelmingly, the men that view pornography are devoted to, and love their spouses and partners. I recognize that some do not. Some use porn as a refuge from dysfunctional, or unhappy sex lives, and then use it as their primary sexual outlet.

I'm not telling you that you shouldn't feel hurt. But, I am asking you to consider a perspective (that may not be correct) but factors in that your husband very well still loves and respects you, but believes for whatever reason; kids, your body-image issues, exhaustion, scheduling ... etc. that you aren't able or willing to indulge him sexually.


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## Firemonk13 (Feb 22, 2010)

I dont know about all men, but I do- Mostly for the fascination of the unusual! 

It never affects either my desire for my wife or my sex drive, & it does not want me to stray or pursue anything I see.

Men are just very visual critters....

At least he is interested in sex! And although there are hot bodies 
I personally love a few extra pounds and or pregnancy!
I have been 100% faithful for 20 years.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I know I am not a man here, but I wholeheartily agree with all of these posters. Men are wired VISUALLY. And comparing them looking could be equivalent to us watching Soap operas or reading a Hot romance. I have done a complete turn around on this issue. 

I used to feel the same as you, my husband has been viewing it since he was 12 yrs old (magazines then). Of coarse he was not that open with me about it ! I used to find it disgusting, so he tried to hide it. 1st ever computer we got, within 3 days, my desktop was changed with some naked women on it - I was absolutely LIVID ! Here I had to call Dell & say what my Husband was up to -to get that off of there. We laugh about it now. I used to post scriptures on his desktop. 

But he has been ever faithful , over 20 yrs of marraige, it in no way has hurt our sexual relationship. Most of what he viewed has helped him learn what to do with me ! He is not much of a reader. We watch it together now. 

Here is the barometer >>>> IF your husband is using his porn OVER YOU or you are being denied sexually, or he starts comparing these 10 + porn stars to you & voicing this as to make you feel less loved, less beautiful, then I would be very very upset too. 

Most women struggle with body issues, not sure how to overcome this one >>> just know that the majority of happily married men seriously WANT their wives over any porn any day ,except the ones who are being denied themselves or their wives have lost "Enthusiam" in the bedroom, often they find that in porn as well. 


Here is a book I seen suggested on this forum somewhere, I never read it, but it is all about this struggle that so many have in their relationships 

Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

snow73 said:


> ... If you are totally and completely satisfied with your wife and you think she is the most beautiful thing in the world - why do you look at other women...


I guess about 50% of all men primarily see women as sex objects. These men find a woman attractive (or not) based on age, weight, and the quality/size of her "bits".

Is it normal? Sure. Does it mean affair, abuse, violence? No. Is it enough for you? You have to decide.

I guess about 99% of all women primarily see men as sex objects. These women find a man attractive (or not) based on ambition, confidence, and the quality/size of his employment package.

Is it normal? Sure. Does it mean affair, abuse, violence? No. Is it enough for me? No ... so I found that 1% ... and I am the happiest man in the world.


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## snow73 (Feb 22, 2010)

Wow - I can't thank you all enough for your honest responses. Please let me clarify something - I do realize that this is more a self image issue than a dislike of porn. Michzz - you asked an interesting question "I choose to be offended by this?" Well - I don't feel like I have chosen to feel this way - it is just who I am. I guess everyone has something that they feel inadequate about. Deejo - your post has had the most affect on me - I so appreciate your honesty. I can see that the overwhelming response is that it is normal for happily married men to view porn and on a pretty regular basis. I guess I was more hurt by the poor timing because I am just 3 weeks post pregnancy and couldn't have sex with him even if I wanted to. I must admit that I am having a hard time understanding how men can say that it does not affect the way they view or feel about their wives. How can you look at perfect, airbrushed, silicon filled women and then still get turned on by your average (stretch-marked, child-bearing, somedays I don't have time to shave my legs) wife? I for one am always thinking that my husband is picturing them instead of me. Anyway, we had a blow up this morning and how I am feeling came out - we are supposed to talk tonight. Wish me luck!


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## SirBen (Feb 8, 2010)

No, all men do not. But yours does and you were ok enough to marry him anyway and have a third child. Now you want him to change. You both have a marriage issue, but I know one thing - marriage requires more surrender to each other and honesty than selfishness. You both need to talk to a counselor. Change will not happen overnight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> I am having a hard time understanding how men can say that it does not affect the way they view or feel about their wives. How can you look at perfect, airbrushed, silicon filled women and then still get turned on by your average (stretch-marked, child-bearing, somedays I don't have time to shave my legs) wife?


Because it isn't real. I won't speak for others, but I never imagine being with the model(s). I actually prefer homemade stuff that depicts real people, real couples, that are really enjoying what they are doing. Technology has made it possible for even stretch mark moms to be porn stars. Either way, it is simply brain candy. I never attach any emotion or project any feelings about the participants.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Difference between fantasy and real life. Men marry the woman they love and want intimacy with for a lifetime. Porn is just jerking off material--NOT--a rejection of their wife. 

Many women do not get this, but it is true.


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## Garry and Victoria (Feb 25, 2010)

Hi Snow73,

Our situation was similar several years ago. We found little that really helped us understand the situation. But we kept at it until we began to peel the tangled feelings and needs apart and we gained some clarity and understanding. I want to thank Simply Amorous for recommending our book above which tells how we finally were able to resolve our situation and actually deepen our relationship.

The basic truth, which is hard to understand at first, but obvious once you get it, is that every action is an attempt to meet some basic need. It's different for each person. For me, my attraction to porn was an attempt to meet deep needs for intimacy and safety. Although I loved my fiance', I feared the risk of getting hurt that a deep relationship could expose me to. What if she left me, what if I wasn't good enough, what if she she became ill or died? I was afraid of breaking my heart...again. 

Although I didn't understand why at the time, I turned to porn because it had always been a faithful outlet where I could gain a semblance of intimacy and safety. It's easy to do in our sex-saturated society. Yet it was causing Victoria to feel sad and angry, and that was breaking my heart anyway. 

Once I began to understand what needs I was trying to meet, it opened up more choices for me. I realized that much of my fear of close relationships was based on my family history. Although I know that my parents loved me and did their best for me, they could also be angry and cruel. I had lived most of my life craving intimacy but living alone and lonely or holding myself back from relationships in fear.

Victoria also began to understand why porn brought up such pain for her. This part was crucial because her pain was letting her know what was important to her. For example, on a guess, maybe your pain is trying to tell you that you would really like an environment that supports you in loving yourself and your body. Or maybe with a newborn do you want to be sure that your relationship is solid and that you are loved and cherished? Figuring this out for yourself will help you get what you want and need. When Victoria could tell me what was important to her instead of making me wrong it was easier to want to change. 

As our understanding grew, our strength and confidence in ourselves and our relationship also grew. We had our ups and downs, but eventually I chose not to look at porn again. We have a strong and loving marriage now mainly because of the deep empathy we have for each other.

This process took us several years of struggling to find our own way through. We hope our book can help others get through it more easily. It will still take some time though; there may be some deep fears and patterns that aren't easy to change. 

Please contact us at the links on our profile for more information. 

Our best to you, Garry and Victoria


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Snow73, I wonder if I can offer a slightly different perspective on this controversial issue. A lot of women post messages expressing similar concerns to yours. I often think a creative solution to these concerns gets overlooked. i love erotica and I and I'm puzzled that more couples don't make their own celebration of their sensual pleasures.

The air-brushed, industrialized, silicon-swamped bodies you mention do nothing for me. I think they caricature our warmest feelings and debase our wholesome delight in sex for the sake of profit and that leaves me feeling empty.

But I adore the pictures my lover and I made for each other. They still seem so full of authentic warmth, excitement and sensual passion - yes, imperfections and all. What could be more wholesome than such erotic gifts from lover to lover for the pleasures of erotic meditations?

Just about all societies have produced erotica - some on a scale which makes our industrialized images seem prudish. If the problem is not erotic images, but a spouses enjoyment of cold caricatures of real sensuality, maybe the answer is to produce your own pictures and stories for each other?


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