# Am I too needy



## PriceyWifey (Feb 9, 2018)

My husband and I have been rocky the last year almost. It's my first year of nursing school and we have 4 children, 3 are from a previous marriage and we share one. Life is crazy busy and sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. My husband takes care of all the afternoon and some morning transportation. He's played baseball for quite some time and lately he's been asking to play more. I'm already overwhelmed with the workload and this weekend is the weekend we don't have all the kiddos and I wanted to have a mini valentine weekend get away. Well he asked me if he could play and I told him to choose. I was hurt when he chose to play baseball instead. We never get weekends where I don't have a test to study for or have to work. He said he's not changing his plans to play. I really thought he would have picked the weekend for us. Am I being to needy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, you are not being too needy. You need to spend time with your husband. He needs to spend time with you.

It must be very hard on both of you for you to be in nursing school. Are you getting a Bachelors or is it a certificate program? How long is the program for?

The two of you need to restructure your relationship so that you both get what you need. Do you have anyone who can help you? Is there any friend or relative or babysitter who can help you with the kids so you can have time with him on another weekend?

I suggest you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Need". These books will help you learn to restructure your marriage in a way that will maintain the passion and build a strong marriage. You need to read the books first and do the work that they suggest. Then you need to ask him to read them with your and do the work. 

What you are describing is a situation that breaks up a lot of marriages. Two people going in opposite directions and both of you burning your candle from both ends.

If you two don't start spending some quality time together, your marriage is not going to last very long.

He should be able to play baseball some as well. You both need to do some things on your own. So focus on your joint/quality time and not on his ball games.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Well the sexes are reversed from the usual story. Usually it is the wife needing a little space from all the kids and house work, so she really just needs some time doing her own thing in her own space rather than spend Saturday with her husband.

There's not enough information here for me to have a strong opinion on which spouse is being unreasonable.

However, everybody needs a hobby or activity that is theirs. It should be fairly well protected from outside demands. That is, if he plays baseball one evening per week, he should be able to do that without anybody having hard feelings over it. If he has not been able to do that for months at a time, and if all he is doing is running around as the family servant, then he may be feeling like he wants to reclaim his own space and establish that his needs have some priority, too.

Valentines day is usually not a big deal to men. We make a fuss over it because it is a big deal to women. Which is fine, but one should remember that this isn't like other holidays which he may himself be very excited about.

I think the case could be made that he is staking a claim to his own personal life here. He may be feeling like the family mule, where everybody else is loading up on him with things they want or need him to do. He wants to establish that he, too, has the right to some personal time and his own activities. He may, too, be acting out a little bit if he is feeling unappreciated. Men need to burn off energy with physical activity, and need to spend time with male friends.

Now I am sure the reverse case could be made, that he is being a selfish prick. He should know how important Valentines Day is to you, and he should be looking forward to having some free time without the kids just to be with you.

I think the solution here is the same as if the roles were reversed as is usual. Talk to him but be calm and unemotional. Don't make accusations or be all hurt. The basic assumption is that you both love each other and both want a good happy marriage. You both want the kids to be healthy and happy, and you both support you going to nursing school. So now it is a matter of finding a way to make it work for both of you. Maybe you need to reduce your school load slightly so he can breathe a bit. Maybe he needs to have some guaranteed blocks of time where he can go play ball or go to the gym. The approach would be that you two are a team, so you need to figure out how to make the whole picture work. This isn't about you being needy or him being a prick about this weekend.


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## bmorehappy (Oct 18, 2017)

PriceyWifey said:


> My husband and I have been rocky the last year almost. It's my first year of nursing school and we have 4 children, 3 are from a previous marriage and we share one. Life is crazy busy and sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. My husband takes care of all the afternoon and some morning transportation. He's played baseball for quite some time and lately he's been asking to play more. I'm already overwhelmed with the workload and this weekend is the weekend we don't have all the kiddos and I wanted to have a mini valentine weekend get away. Well he asked me if he could play and I told him to choose. I was hurt when he chose to play baseball instead. We never get weekends where I don't have a test to study for or have to work. He said he's not changing his plans to play. I really thought he would have picked the weekend for us. Am I being to needy?


I don't think you're needy OP but why not be honest with your husband when he asked. Why create the opportunity for discord by telling him to choose when you know exactly what you'd prefer. I think it's better to just be honest about your needs when you are asked, to avoid situations like this.


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## Parttimehippie (Dec 23, 2017)

Good Morning PriceyWifey. I understand where you're coming from. I become a 'hunter's widow' every fall. Sometimes we will not see each other for an entire week with our different work schedules and him being in the woods. Although it sounds a bit crude, I completely write him off from October to November. 
Baseball and hunting season don't last all year. I would look ahead at the rest of the year to plan a trip. I'm not sure how your school works, but maybe a little trip between quarters? This way, there's no concern about baseballs or assignment deadlines. 
Best Wishes.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Priceywifey, were you working before you started nursing school? Is it a 2 year associates degree with structured class schedules or a 4 year at a University? The 2 year associates is HARD, my bachelor degree was much easier. Do you have to study a lot at home and he has to make dinner, bath, homework, etc. What does a typical evening look like at home? I know I studied every waking moment-there was patient assignment to pick up twice a week and go home and prepare pathophysiology. That was crazy time twice a week and I only had one child.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PriceyWifey said:


> My husband and I have been rocky the last year almost. It's my first year of nursing school and we have 4 children, 3 are from a previous marriage and we share one. Life is crazy busy and sometimes I just need a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. My husband takes care of all the afternoon and some morning transportation. He's played baseball for quite some time and lately he's been asking to play more. I'm already overwhelmed with the workload and this weekend is the weekend we don't have all the kiddos and I wanted to have a mini valentine weekend get away. Well he asked me if he could play and I told him to choose. I was hurt when he chose to play baseball instead. We never get weekends where I don't have a test to study for or have to work. He said he's not changing his plans to play. I really thought he would have picked the weekend for us. Am I being to needy?


Nope. Not needy at all. You H should be taking you away for a weekend or a simply day trip sans kids on a regular basis. You too should also plan trips for you both. My W does. I appreciate it when she does! Yes, your H is, in short, taking you for granted. Currently you are viewed as a room mate. My suggestion. Advise your H this is not working for you. A simple weekend get away is overridden for basketball. Your H priorities are where? 

BTW, nursing school is nothing short of tough! Good luck! Hope you do well! 

Let your H go play with his (basket)balls.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

An Opposing point of view.

Yes you are too needy. Not only do you want him to cover the bulk of the kid transportation, you want his recreational time as well. He wanted to play baseball for 2 hours, but you are upset about that because you need him for All of 2 days. You also want to dictate the schedule that is already set. I would bet that his team has no game on Valentines day, but that isn't good enough for you you need an early Valentines on the days that are convenient for you. But the real telling part is that you are upset that he chose the game over you. You are making his refusal to reschedule himself and 9 other guys, all about how he really feels about you? You are Wrong. He does love you more than baseball. He doesn't love you enough to put up with Crazy.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

1.You gave him a choice. So suck it up and don't hold his choice against him.
2. Nursing school is demanding.... but it sounds like he is picking up the slack...so not a slacker.
3. Maybe you could look at it as a LOVING act you are doing for him for Valentine's Day.
4. Pamper yourself, and figure out if you can get a nice dinner or some sweet time with him.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

bmorehappy said:


> I don't think you're needy OP but why not be honest with your husband when he asked. Why create the opportunity for discord by telling him to choose when you know exactly what you'd prefer. I think it's better to just be honest about your needs when you are asked, to avoid situations like this.


This is what I was thinking, this isn't so bad if you are honest with him. Now if you sit down and talk to him with love and concern that you were hurt that he would rather do this and you would like to do this. She what he says and feels then. He may come up with excuses he may put up with a fight but I bet he would still pick you and you might be surprised to find out that he might of thought you really didn't care. Bottom line is that you need to talk to him and find out. Communication


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I can understand your desire to have quality time together.

However, you gave him a choice, then you were unhappy with his decision.
Like he was supposed to choose you. That's just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Do something fun with girlfriends over the weekend.
Valentine's day is just a day. You could make romantic plans for another time, right?


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Asking to spend a weekend together is mot needy. Like the other posters I also wonder why you gave him that choice. My H also chose to do something else rather than spend time with me. But that was before we were married. He understands now that whenever we get time without kids it’s OUR time. 

You need to speak to your H and let him know how you are feeling without accusing him or becoming angry. He honestly cannot read your mind. To expect him to think: “Oh my wife really wants me to spend time with her and to choose her over baseball” is unfair on him. He cannot read your mind. It doesn’t mean he loves baseball more than you. 

Can you compromise? Go to the baseball game with him. Watch him play and cheer him on and then go for a bite to eat. I can’t see why you cannot include this in your day together? It doesn’t have to be a scene out of a romantic movie. Best to put time together ahead of what you actually do together. Or promise him a little something sexy at the end of the day.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

This is the ladies lounge, so I should not answer, but I will.

This sort of thing is something that does happen to bother my sense of fairness, whatever that is.

If you had made a date which he had agreed to, and he broke it, that would be horrible of him.

You unilaterally requested a date which conflicted with an already existing event of his. To me it seems as though you created that date, event, to see if you could get him to break his commitment to the other previously existing event.

To me that looks like manipulation.

If he had decided he wanted you to go with him to the cabin on a day when you had already planned to go to some event with friends or relatives, would you consider his request automatically to be more important than your prior engagement? Would you call your friends and say skip it, they have to get someone else to fill in for you on the team even though you had already said you would be there because your husband asked you on a fancy to go with him to the cabin?

Yes, you might. But if you decided your commitment to the team, your friends, whatever it was, was more important that day, because you had made a commitment, would you expect your husband to be hurt?

If you had made your requested date coincide with a day he did not have a preexisting engagement, it would be very different.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

You made a mistake when you told him to choose. He chose. Next time tell him what you want. Maybe he doesn't appreciate how hard you are working. Most nursing programs are difficult, time consuming, and demanding almost to the graduate level. You aren't needy, but do need an understanding H.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't know, it doesn't sound like the game was set in concrete as he checked with the OP before he committed to it. OP - you should have been more honest with him when he asked you. You gave him a choice, he chose and now you're ticked at him for it.

On the other hand, if your marriage has genuinely been rocky, and you have the opportunity to give it some much needed attention, I would think that he'd jump at the chance. I think the marriage should be both of your top priorities.

I guess you need to now come up with something you're both happy with - where is the game? Can you have your getaway close by and go to the game with him?


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Yes you're too needy, he's bending over backwards taking care of 3 kids that aren't his so you can go to nursing school. Let the man play ball for a couple hours.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

username77 said:


> Yes you're too needy, he's bending over backwards taking care of 3 kids that aren't his so you can go to nursing school. Let the man play ball for a couple hours.


She said they have ONE of their own and *3 from a prior marriage*.

You must have chosen to ignore the part where she says this is the weekend where they DON'T have those 3 kids.

She doesn't say WHOSE prior marriage the 3 kids are from, but I'm willing to bet they're *his* kids from a prior marriage, not hers. Sounds like he's an every-other-weekend dad and it's likely SHE'S the one bending over backwards to raise HIS kids for him while she's doing everything else and gong to nursing school on top of it.

Ever think of that?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

PriceyWifey said:


> He said he's not changing his plans to play.



Without clarification those “plans to play” could have been set with the team already, or possibly only in his head.

But the way I read it is they were already made, as in set up with the team.

Note, I do think you deserve lots of personal time with your husband, and your husband should be insuring this happens.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

I consider myself to be a little needy. We all have flaws and that’s one of mine. My neediness comes from childhood issues (specifically teenage years) where I felt unloved and unwanted. As a result, I need to be reassured frequently. My husband knows this and is luckily ok with it. I also work on myself to try to keep my negative feelings under control.

I can completely understand why your feelings are hurt. That’s one thing I’ve heard over and over from other women. We don’t want to have to tell our men to spend time with us, we want them to want to spend time with us all on their own. We want them to choose to spend time with us because they enjoy our company not because we are forcing them too.

That being said... men and women do think about things differently. When my husband and I first got married we went out with his parents on the weekends. I was so sick of it and wanted us to spend time together without them but I didn’t want to tell him that, I wanted him to want it too. Finally we talked about it and he explained that to him it didn’t matter when and where we spent time together. He was perfectly fine spending our Saturdays at home cuddling on the couch and watching movies. He considered that to be our time together so when his parents asked him every weekend to go out to dinner with them, he thought why not. He didn’t feel like we weren’t having quality time together. I craved date nights and couple time outside of the house. Once we talked about it and he realized what I was wanting we started going out alone on the weekends. 

Also, he may be thinking that you’ll be there for a date together another time but the game won’t be. It’s easier to reschedule with you than several other people. So I would try not to take it too personally. 

As for your marriage being rocky...well, that’s it’s own problem and honestly may have factored into his decision. I would suggest scheduling a talk about what you both need and want from each other.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> <snip>We don’t want to have to tell our men to spend time with us, we want them to want to spend time with us all on their own. <snip>



My wife’s need for attention is quite extraordinary. Yet something she shared with me once years ago is she is never going to tell me what she needs. Her shrink verified that.

FeministInPink made an observation about Mary a while back. The suggestion was something like perhaps Mary was “acting naughty” because she needed more attention and couldn’t find a way to tell me. It actually would have worked well for Mary if I had not discovered the lying issue.

Personally I recommend communication. It might not take much. Just a hint, maybe. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to get even a hint.

Good luck


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > <snip>We don’t want to have to tell our men to spend time with us, we want them to want to spend time with us all on their own. <snip>
> ...


After this many years I’ve learned to ask for things more often. I used to get my feelings hurt more in the early years because I expected him to feel the same about things as I did. Honestly, it’s still hard for me to understand... But I do try!
I’m big into communication.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife points out while I offered a critique I didn’t mention my complete agreement with the sentiment that you deserve more special one on one time with your husband.

I’m sure I said that, but Mary says put an exclamation point on it.

!!!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Whose children are the three from a previous marriage?


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