# I lived it and survived...now I'm trying to help a loved one survive.



## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Well, long story short, my wife at the time cheated on me back in 2013 and so I sought help through this site. It was a godsend as I saw others going through the same thing and it gave me the wisdom that hopefully, god forbid I would not have to use but could help others close to me if it ever was needed. And for that, I appreciate all of you!

Fast forward almost ten years later. I find out that my sister has been cheating on her husband of over twenty years. She has been cheating on him with multiple men over the course of ten years, meeting up with them, sending them nudes, having sex in parking lots, having sex with men young enough to be her son. My brother-in-law treated her like a queen the entire time. He was a hard worker and worked extra hard so she could go to school full time and get her degree. He started dating her when she was pregnant with her ex-husband's baby after they divorced, and with her other child. He has been an excellent father to them when her ex-husband wasn't. Needless to say, my brother-in-law was destroyed and confided in me and my wife to help him through this, because both of us knew the pain all too well. This was about a month ago. He went through the wave of emotions like I told him he would...anger, sadness, betrayal, questioning his manhood, etc. Initially, he kicked her out of the house when he found out and she shacked up with her boyfriend that she was seeing. This lasted around 2-3 weeks. Now she has begged to come back home. She so far is not living up to his rules: she is still seeing this guy (I have proof), still on Facebook through another account after he told her to delete it, her messenger is still active, spending large amounts of money on him, she is hanging out at a friend's house that has questionable integrity (if you would like to know the details about that, I'll share).

Now my parents are bible thumpers. I am a somewhat religious person, but not nearly to that extent. A day after we had my brother-in-law over to the house just to hang out and forget about things, he went out to breakfast with my dad the next morning. Next thing we know, he is forgiving her and said they will start going to counseling (and it is a Christian counselor recommended by my parents' pastor). My opinion is that my parents guilted him into forgiving her, even though she has no remorse and hasn't even come close to asking for forgiveness. I blew my top and to make this long story even shorter, he has turned his back on us after all our work and words of encouragement to help him. Today did it though. We caught her and her boyfriend in the parking lot together with video. I called my BIL about it and he flipped out. Not even thirty minutes later he texted me and told me that they were going to work it out because she said that was her saying goodbye. I lost it and drove over to my BILs house (she was there too). I let her have it and told her I knew everything she had been hiding and we got into a big shouting match. I told him that she is manipulating him, that I knew this game because I have seen it and lived it. He has all the evidence in black and white in his hand and is still is taking her side! The final moment was when he asked us to leave. The last thing I told him when we were leaving was "don't come crying back to me when you are a doormat again".

I don't know if I'm asking for advice, or just venting. It just pains me to see someone manipulated like I was and turn a blind eye to all the evidence presented in front of him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That’s a horror story. I don’t even know what to say, other than I’m on your side and a man like your brother in law is just going to be used and abused his entire life because he is weak.
Your sis is a serial cheater as you know, and I suspect she is just not capable of fidelity.
It’s ok to love the person and hate the bad parts of them.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

It really sucks to have lived through and experienced infidelity and then watch someone you care about go through it and bury their head in the sand rather than face it. Unfortunately, some people simply can't do it. Or they don't _want _to. Or maybe, they just aren't ready. It's really not about the severity of the cheating and the cheater themselves, and more about how the BS views themselves. What they feel their self worth is based upon. Sometimes they'd rather keep a lie and their identity intact, than have to throw away their life and start anew in a terrifying world.

I have a very good friend whose husband likes to have prostitutes on the side, she chooses to believe all of his lies and gaslighting. I've learned people are ready to leave when they are ready and there isn't anything you can say or do to change their mind. Even if the WS impregnates or get impregnated by the AP, or likes prostitutes and brings home diseases regularly. It's absolutely frustrating to watch someone live in a situation like this, but in the end we are powerless.

I hope your BIL comes around at some point and realizes he is worth more than this. But you did everything you could do. You did a good thing in trying.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Some men will stay no matter what. He is obviously one of those. I hate to see women abusing their power in a marriage.

He is comfortable in denial. He may be the type that will close his eyes no matter what.

But now you know who they both really are.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Sounds very difficult, frustrating, triggering to the max. I’m sorry you have this to deal with, and that it impacts you so.

Vent away. You deserve to. But when all is said and done, do you want there to be a way to detach emotionally from them and their mess? Do you want to seek peace for yourself, regardless of whatever these ****ups around you are doing to each other?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear StillHurting;

Your BIL has free will. He gets to decide the behavior he will accept from his wife in his marriage to her. You are not the father of your BIL nor your Sister. Don't parent them. You offered advice and you shared your experiences. That is about all you can do. You can't force them to behave as you would wish them to behave.

Venting is healthy. You have been there and done that. You could save your BIL and Sister a lot of pain, but you can't force them to do anything they don't want to do.

If I were in your shoes, I would apologize to your BIL and explain that you just wanted to save him and his children from the pain you have experienced. Tell him you will be more low key and you want to be there as someone for him to talk to when he feels the frustration and pain of infidelity as you know what it is like.

Good luck.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Not much else you can do. Your BIL has issues. Only he can resolve them. You tried, anyway.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Going to their house was a mistake. Be there for your BIL when he comes to you for help or just to have someone to talk to. Otherwise, stay out of it. It's none of your business.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I would be having a few words with my parents. What they are doing is cruel and, I dare say, unChristian. You can't help your BIL and you certainly can't help your sister when she has her parents' blessing and the church's to screw anything that walks.

Leave your BIL to his own devices and move on with your life.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

At this point you have done all you can and more. It’s their lives and more. I agree with you, they are headed for an explosion. And if you feel like helping to pick up the pieces, it will be your decision. Just like it will be your decision to have these toxic people (in my opinion that would include the grandparents) in your life going forward.
Take care of yourself. I haven’t read your story and if you stayed w your fWW, but if you did, continue to focus on you and let her help you thru the triggers this has caused.


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Thank you all for the valuable advice. All of you are right, I should stay out of it. But when my BIL is crying on my shoulder, I become part of it. And to shove me away like he did broke my heart.
Oh and let me fill you in on her friend that I mentioned in the first post. We were friends on Facebook, and she messaged me on my honeymoon with my new wife wanting me to come over to her house.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

StillHurting said:


> Thank you all for the valuable advice. All of you are right, I should stay out of it. But when my BIL is crying on my shoulder, I become part of it. And to shove me away like he did broke my heart.
> Oh and let me fill you in on her friend that I mentioned in the first post. We were friends on Facebook, and she messaged me on my honeymoon with my new wife wanting me to come over to her house.


whores of a feather flock together


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Yeah he needs to leave that ***** asap!


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

You can't save someone from themselves!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

StillHurting said:


> Thank you all for the valuable advice. All of you are right, *I should stay out of it*. But when my BIL is crying on my shoulder, I become part of it. And to shove me away like he did broke my heart.
> Oh and let me fill you in on her friend that I mentioned in the first post........


You know you should stay out of it, and yet, you can't seem to let go. Why is that? Just let go.

Read what you just posted. Think about it. You tried to be a great BIL, but he rejected your help for a variety of reasons. He is really hurting and you should respect his pain and recognize that people in pain sometimes hurt those that are trying to help them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I would be having a few words with my parents. What they are doing is cruel and, I dare say, unChristian. You can't help your BIL and you certainly can't help your sister when she has her parents' blessing and the church's to screw anything that walks.
> 
> Leave your BIL to his own devices and move on with your life.


Thankfully she doesn't have the churches blessing. The parents advise was appalling.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

StillHurting said:


> Thank you all for the valuable advice. All of you are right, I should stay out of it. But when my BIL is crying on my shoulder, I become part of it. And to shove me away like he did broke my heart.
> Oh and let me fill you in on her friend that I mentioned in the first post. We were friends on Facebook, and she messaged me on my honeymoon with my new wife wanting me to come over to her house.


Your BIL is still in damage control mode. He's allowing too many people to sway his decision making. Churchgoers are the worst at this stuff. 

Just be patient with him. After a few weeks of continues abuse he will eventually come around.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

When I see someone knowingly staying through something that bad and that obvious, I always think that maybe they also behaved in a similar fashion, and maybe they both deserve each other.

Just a thought.... perhaps he wasn't an angel either if he is willing to accept her deplorable behavior.

The big family thanksgiving should be a fun one this year....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

StillHurting said:


> Well, long story short, my wife at the time cheated on me back in 2013 and so I sought help through this site. It was a godsend as I saw others going through the same thing and it gave me the wisdom that hopefully, god forbid I would not have to use but could help others close to me if it ever was needed. And for that, I appreciate all of you!
> 
> Fast forward almost ten years later. I find out that my sister has been cheating on her husband of over twenty years. She has been cheating on him with multiple men over the course of ten years, meeting up with them, sending them nudes, having sex in parking lots, having sex with men young enough to be her son. My brother-in-law treated her like a queen the entire time. He was a hard worker and worked extra hard so she could go to school full time and get her degree. He started dating her when she was pregnant with her ex-husband's baby after they divorced, and with her other child. He has been an excellent father to them when her ex-husband wasn't. Needless to say, my brother-in-law was destroyed and confided in me and my wife to help him through this, because both of us knew the pain all too well. This was about a month ago. He went through the wave of emotions like I told him he would...anger, sadness, betrayal, questioning his manhood, etc. Initially, he kicked her out of the house when he found out and she shacked up with her boyfriend that she was seeing. This lasted around 2-3 weeks. Now she has begged to come back home. She so far is not living up to his rules: she is still seeing this guy (I have proof), still on Facebook through another account after he told her to delete it, her messenger is still active, spending large amounts of money on him, she is hanging out at a friend's house that has questionable integrity (if you would like to know the details about that, I'll share).
> 
> ...


People believe what they want to believe and sometimes they want to stay no matter how bad it is and that isn't anything you can usually do anything about. You gave him all the info. He decided instead to put on blinders so they kind of deserve each other at this point.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You can't live his life for him.

It is not just our marriages that can bring out codependency in us. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StillHurting said:


> Well, long story short, my wife at the time cheated on me back in 2013 and so I sought help through this site. It was a godsend as I saw others going through the same thing and it gave me the wisdom that hopefully, god forbid I would not have to use but could help others close to me if it ever was needed. And for that, I appreciate all of you!
> 
> Fast forward almost ten years later. I find out that my sister has been cheating on her husband of over twenty years. She has been cheating on him with multiple men over the course of ten years, meeting up with them, sending them nudes, having sex in parking lots, having sex with men young enough to be her son. My brother-in-law treated her like a queen the entire time. He was a hard worker and worked extra hard so she could go to school full time and get her degree. He started dating her when she was pregnant with her ex-husband's baby after they divorced, and with her other child. He has been an excellent father to them when her ex-husband wasn't. Needless to say, my brother-in-law was destroyed and confided in me and my wife to help him through this, because both of us knew the pain all too well. This was about a month ago. He went through the wave of emotions like I told him he would...anger, sadness, betrayal, questioning his manhood, etc. Initially, he kicked her out of the house when he found out and she shacked up with her boyfriend that she was seeing. This lasted around 2-3 weeks. Now she has begged to come back home. She so far is not living up to his rules: she is still seeing this guy (I have proof), still on Facebook through another account after he told her to delete it, her messenger is still active, spending large amounts of money on him, she is hanging out at a friend's house that has questionable integrity (if you would like to know the details about that, I'll share).
> 
> ...


Serials don’t stop cheating until they stop breathing, and no amount of preaching or Bible-thumping will change that.

Tell him to kick her out on her ass, file for divorce, and put her in his rearview — permanently.

She isn’t going to change.

Ever.

Hopefully _he_ will, though.


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> whores of a feather flock together


This made me and my wife


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

re16 said:


> When I see someone knowingly staying through something that bad and that obvious, I always think that maybe they also behaved in a similar fashion, and maybe they both deserve each other.
> 
> Just a thought.... perhaps he wasn't an angel either if he is willing to accept her deplorable behavior.
> 
> The big family thanksgiving should be a fun one this year....


There will be no more family gatherings for us unless everything is aired out, truth is told, and forgiveness is requested. It took outsiders like my current wife and my nephew's wife to see that there is dissension in the family and things are constantly being swept under the rug to keep the peace.


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Thankfully she doesn't have the churches blessing. The parents advise was appalling.


My dad is still covering up the mess as we speak and telling everyone they are doing good now and going to counseling. He's reached out to people in the church before his own brothers and sisters and now they are upset with him. My dad has a brother that he is extremely close with (or so we thought) that still hasn't told him. Needless to say my uncle is not too happy about it and is disappointed that my dad wouldn't confide in him.
Oh yeah, he is a deacon in that church. That church is poison. One of my childhood friends that went there was bullied for being gay and they forced him into conversion camp. It had lasting effects on him that went into his adulthood and he turned to drugs. Well that didn't have a happy ending either because he died in December.


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> You know you should stay out of it, and yet, you can't seem to let go. Why is that? Just let go.
> 
> Read what you just posted. Think about it. You tried to be a great BIL, but he rejected your help for a variety of reasons. He is really hurting and you should respect his pain and recognize that people in pain sometimes hurt those that are trying to help them.


Thank you!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StillHurting said:


> My dad is still covering up the mess as we speak and telling everyone they are doing good now and going to counseling. He's reached out to people in the church before his own brothers and sisters and now they are upset with him. My dad has a brother that he is extremely close with (or so we thought) that still hasn't told him. Needless to say my uncle is not too happy about it and is disappointed that my dad wouldn't confide in him.
> Oh yeah, he is a deacon in that church. That church is poison. One of my childhood friends that went there was bullied for being gay and they forced him into conversion camp. It had lasting effects on him that went into his adulthood and he turned to drugs. Well that didn't have a happy ending either because he died in December.


It sounds awful. Thankfully they don't represent God or most churches. 
What denomination is it? 
Divorce for adultery is definitely allowed a
and hers is serial and unrepentant cheating. I hope he will see sense and end this marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

how many guys come here, tell us their tale of woe, and take five or ten pages of our replies before they start to see the light?

you can not expect him to believe all this bad stuff is going on overnight. you have to keep talking with him, supporting him. Maybe send him some links on key threads here where nothing good happened *UNTIL the guy did a 180?*

BTW, are you really sure he is being cheated on in a "normal" sense. Over all those years, he did not suspect it? Maybe he is in one of those Cuckold or Hotwife situations, and embarassed to tell you?


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds awful. Thankfully they don't represent God or most churches.
> What denomination is it?
> Divorce for adultery is definitely allowed a
> and hers is serial and unrepentant cheating. I hope he will see sense and end this marriage.


Southern Baptist


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Thankfully she doesn't have the churches blessing. The parents advise was appalling.


Were you saying something?


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> how many guys come here, tell us their tale of woe, and take five or ten pages of our replies before they start to see the light?
> 
> you can not expect him to believe all this bad stuff is going on overnight. you have to keep talking with him, supporting him. Maybe send him some links on key threads here where nothing good happened UNTIL the guy did a 360?
> 
> BTW, are you really sure he is being cheated on in a "normal" sense. Over all those years, he did not suspect it? Maybe he is in one of those Cuckold or Hotwife situations, and embarassed to tell you?


No not at all, well not to my knowledge but you never know these days.
Well here is the thing...the evidence was so plain as day, but since he doesn't do any technology like Facebook, or he even barely texted up to this point, there was no reason for her to keep it very well hidden. Truth be known, he had no reason to suspect anything. But we did because we were suspicious of it for years. It was around five years ago she accidentally sent a nude photo to her son that she said was meant to go to her husband. That's when we started getting suspicious but it wasn't enough to bring it up, so we let it go. But after she told him that she wanted a separation, that's when we starting gathering evidence and found everything out. My nephew and wife went to the house and opened up her laptop and she was still logged into Facebook, and that is where we found the holy grail of evidence. There were multiple guys she had sexted, sent pictures to, and met up with. There were more that she fished for but they didn't take the bait. He kicked her out of the house when he found out (even though it is marital property). She tried to get back into the house on several occasions, specifically asking for that laptop, but he said he didn't know where it was.

So that's the basis about why we're all so upset. Not only were we there for him emotionally, we did the grunt work for him that saved him a lot of money. We knew where the guy lived and we drove by there several times getting videos of her car there, we took all the evidence and put it on a usb drive so he could take it to his lawyer (yes he has already put down the money for the retainer fee). It was an open and shut case. But now that they are going to reconcile, it is going to be much harder to catch her because she knows what we have now. So all that evidence is out the window.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> Maybe send him some links on key threads here where nothing good happened UNTIL the guy did a 360?


A quick lesson in geometry: 360 degrees will put you in the exact position you are currently in. He wants to go 180 degrees.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

StillHurting said:


> Southern Baptist


A little comic relief (I.e. joke)…

What are 2 things Southern Baptists don’t recognize?
….
The Pope as the head of the church.

AND…

Each other in the liquor store!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> A quick lesson in geometry: 360 degrees will put you in the exact position you are currently in. He wants to go 180 degrees.


ok, if you take the hyperbolic tangent of the adjacent angles...
yes its `180 degrees.

i should not post that early in the morning!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I second the notion that the advice from your father is just beyond awful. Awful. Terrible.
Stomach turning. Shameful. I can’t really come up with the words to show my true disgust for it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I hate it for you. My older sister carried on a 2.5 yr affair on my BinL. When guy broke it off, she tried to OD. My kids used to think the world of her and Buddy. After they were told what she did they do not ask to go visit any more. 
She had the audacity to introduce this ass hat to my family while on trip. Oh look, my co worker and his daughter happened to stop and eat here also. 

I pray that if she is going to get in another affair, that the Lord takes her out first. I rather go to a funeral than she start whoring around again. I swear when she died so help me, if any one says anything about how good she was...I am going to reveal it all at her freaking funeral.


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

As of last night, she's back in the house with him.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

StillHurting said:


> As of last night, she's back in the house with him.


 Sometimes you just can't fix stupid


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I second the notion that the advice from your father is just beyond awful. Awful. Terrible.
> Stomach turning. Shameful. I can’t really come up with the words to show my true disgust for it.


From what I’ve seen clergy and church goers have no clue about infidelity. Just quote a few scriptures and then the “you must forgive”. I was a church treasurer at one time. Throw in the fact this is their daughter. Blood is thicker than water.
Doormats get walked on. Serial cheaters never stop. But the marriage, oh the marriage is all so important BS. 
You must save your marriage!!!! 
Unless your BIL wakes up he’s probably gonna get more of what he’s gotten. Only he can fix that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

StillHurting said:


> As of last night, she's back in the house with him.


Hope she doesn’t give him an STD.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

StillHurting said:


> Southern Baptist


You know how to keep a Baptist from drinking on a fishing trip?
Take two of them. 😂


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> From what I’ve seen clergy and church goers have no clue about infidelity. Just quote a few scriptures and then the “you must forgive”. I was a church treasurer at one time. Throw in the fact this is their daughter. Blood is thicker than water.
> Doormats get walked on. Serial cheaters never stop. But the marriage, oh the marriage is all so important BS.
> You must save your marriage!!!!
> Unless your BIL wakes up he’s probably gonna get more of what he’s gotten. Only he can fix that.


You are required to forgive if you want to be forgiven by God.

BUT....That does not mean you have to stay married to that cheating spouse. 

Thing is if you divorce a cheating spouse, they can not Biblically remarry or they will be committing adultery with their new spouse. If the BS does not remarry and later they are reconciled then fine. But if the BS remarries, they can not go back to the WS unless current spouse dies or is divorced due to sexual immorality. 

So Biblically, a Christian that cheats and is divorced because of it, has to remain alone unless the unmarried BS chooses to take them back. Otherwise their new relationship is not right according to the Bible 


Israel's adultry with other gods is basically what led God to divorce them and opened the door to allow the gentiles to be saved.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Trying to help someone, even a relative like your BIL, in a private matter is a losing proposition. Our natural tendency is to tell the betrayed what we know, but it usually isnt believed or well received.

He will be coming to you for support down the road, best you can do is listen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Southern Baptists in general believe in forgiving infidelity — not divorcing over it — so that was predictable advice from your dad as a Believer. My advice is don’t get involved in someone else’s marriage.


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> You know how to keep a Baptist from drinking on a fishing trip?
> Take two of them. 😂


Hahahaha good one.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> You are required to forgive if you want to be forgiven by God.
> 
> BUT....That does not mean you have to stay married to that cheating spouse.
> 
> ...


From what I’ve seen it has very little to do with doctrine. Most are not well read or educated.
A lot harp on vices, etc but when it comes to dealing with infidelity they are quite ignorant.
Not to mention a lot of people attending are divorced and remarried from my experience.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Southern Baptists in general believe in forgiving infidelity — not divorcing over it — so that was predictable advice from your dad as a Believer. My advice is don’t get involved in someone else’s marriage.


Unfortunately BIL involved the OP and his wife in the situation when he came to them, so that was unavoidable.

@StillHurting have you reached out to your sister and asked her why she in continually cheating on her husband?


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## StillHurting (Feb 28, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Unfortunately BIL involved the OP and his wife in the situation when he came to them, so that was unavoidable.
> 
> @StillHurting have you reached out to your sister and asked her why she in continually cheating on her husband?


She is denying everything against the evidence.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

the fact that she cheated the first time and lied when you asked should be very clear and no need to even waste your time and investigate

1- a married woman should not be going out with guys without her spouse let alone having him taking a shower in her room and sleeping on the couch 
2- you need to DNA you child 
3- stop talking to her
4- report them to HR after divorce


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