# Husband is basically just my roommate



## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

Hello all,
I've been struggling with this for a while, and I found this site, so I'm hoping to get some help here.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. We have one child (4yo), a house, animals, etc. The problem is that, essentially, I feel like my husband is just a roommate. Our level of intimacy is pretty much nil, don't remember the last time we had sex. I can count on 1 hand the number of orgasms I've had with him. We have pretty open lines of communication, and I've spoken to him about my concerns. But, short of nagging him incessantly, nothing is changing. He has problems with his libido, and it sounds like it's mental, but after 1 counseling session, he just doesn't bother to do anything about anything. He's content where he is (his words) and with our relationship. He has no desire for more, and yet I feel like that's all I want - more.

I don't like the idea of divorce. But I feel kind of hopeless here. I'm not happy, and he knows I'm not. I'm not happy with my job, but I feel like I can't do anything about it because we have obligations and responsibilities. I feel stuck.

Advice?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has he seen a Doctor?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

is this your own picture? We are discussing here very private details, it would make more sense to stay anonymous. For your and your husband's sake and privacy.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Some of this sounds similar, not exactly the same as my marriage for sure, but definitely some similar issues.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m sorry your hear. 
Unfortunately, I don’t think your situation is that uncommon. Man happy with very little, he low effort, and women needs/wants more and is unhappy. 

The problem is that he knows you’re unhappy and doesn’t change. But I’m guessing you haven’t changed anything either, so you both are stuck. 

You sound a little depressed, which I’m sure it’s situational depression and I don’t blame you. You somehow have to get out of this funk you are in. And to do that, YOU need to do something different. Because he is never going to change. 

I guess what I am trying to say is don’t let him bring you down with him. If he wants to be down and out that’s fine. But don’t let him drag you down. Maybe when he sees you with a little more sparkle and happiness and new vibe for life, then maybe he will change. And if he doesn’t, well at least your not where you started.


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Has he seen a Doctor?


He has, they referred him to a counselor because they said it was probably to do with anxiety and low self esteem. He saw the counselor once, and hasn't made any follow up appointments.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> I’m sorry your hear.


and I'm also sorry *you're here . *You've done an admirable job of distinguishing the difference between a friendly "roommate" relationship and a sexual marriage relationship. it is something we need to be reminded of. Marriage is a sexual relationship well above simple compatibility, friendship or even chore responsibility. I often comment that without trust a relationship doesn't exist, it is equally true that without sex a marriage doesn't exist. Just two people pretending to be married for appearances sake.
As in other areas of relationship it is appropriate to demand that your emotional needs (including a rich and fulfilling sex life) are met. If he needs therapy to do that then therapy is the price of admission to the marriage.


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I’m sorry your hear.
> Unfortunately, I don’t think your situation is that uncommon. Man happy with very little, he low effort, and women needs/wants more and is unhappy.
> 
> The problem is that he knows you’re unhappy and doesn’t change. But I’m guessing you haven’t changed anything either, so you both are stuck.
> ...


I do have problems with depression, I take medication for it and usually manage it pretty well. My issue is that I'm dwelling on these problems and not feeling like I have the time to fix or change the problems. I will work on my own happiness more, currently trying to get myself healthy and get back into writing. So far it hasn't helped yet, but I'll keep chugging along with it. Thanks!


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

How old are you? Would you like more children? Would he?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> He has, they referred him to a counselor because they said it was probably to do with anxiety and low self esteem. He saw the counselor once, and hasn't made any follow up appointments.


There's a member on TAM who was not having sex with his wife. At all. It transpired that he had a severe testosterone deficiency, which, after treatment, resulted in him being able to have sex again.

It's good that they referred your husbands for counselling, but did they check his testosterone levels, too?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> I do have problems with depression, I take medication for it and usually manage it pretty well. My issue is that I'm dwelling on these problems and not feeling like I have the time to fix or change the problems. I will work on my own happiness more, currently trying to get myself healthy and get back into writing. So far it hasn't helped yet, but I'll keep chugging along with it. Thanks!


Good for you! The problem is when there are two depressed people and they just bring each other down and keep each other down. It’s really difficult to get out of that rut as you know. 
The only power you have is to change yourself. And by doing that, maybe he will change, but don’t do it for him.

You got this girl! You just need some positivity, and some up lifting people in your life!


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

lj2932 said:


> How old are you? Would you like more children? Would he?


I'm 29, we were married young. Yes, I'd like another child but I don't want to even consider it until our relationship is better. And anyway it's not physically possible with the state of our marriage right now if that makes sense. We've always talked about not until such and such happens, but at this point it's looking like we aren't going to have any more children.


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> There's a member on TAM who was not having sex with his wife. At all. It transpired that he had a severe testosterone deficiency, which, after treatment, resulted in him being able to have sex again.
> 
> It's good that they referred your husbands for counselling, but did they check his testosterone levels, too?


He is on a low dose depression medicine, and the doctor just said "yeah that's a symptom, go talk to a counselor." My husband is a veteran, so the level of in depth medical care he receives is minimal.


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> I'm 29, we were married young. Yes, I'd like another child but I don't want to even consider it until our relationship is better. And anyway it's not physically possible with the state of our marriage right now if that makes sense. We've always talked about not until such and such happens, but at this point it's looking like we aren't going to have any more children.


So what I'm wondering is, is that going to be a dealbreaker for you? And does he know that? Because if he doesn't, he should. It's all very well for him to say he's happy how things are but there are two people in this marriage. He's being quite selfish.

29 is very young. Can you really imagine yourself being in a sexless marriage for thirty, forty years or more if he refuses to address the issue?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> He is on a low dose depression medicine, and the doctor just said "yeah that's a symptom, go talk to a counselor." My husband is a veteran, so the level of in depth medical care he receives is minimal.


They need to sort his meds out.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

First off, since your husband is a veteran, I respect and thank him for his service to his country. All veterans deserve better from our countries. I'm sorry that he dosen't receive better medical care for his sacrifices. Is PTSD a factor for him?

I'm sorry to hear of your situation in general. Everyone deserves to have their sexual desires satisfied somewhat, if not fully met.

Here are my concerns. Are you prepared to be in a sexless marriage for the long term, if nothing changes? Are you prepared to never have another baby? Are you satisfied with never being really SATISFIED?

I'm currently stuck in a sexless marriage. For 43 years of marriage the sex was nearly nonexistent. I stuck out with my LD wife for the sake of our children. Now at age 65, I'm regreting staying with her for as long as I have.

Things need to change for both of you. Medical testing is needed. Current drugs need to be adjusted and new drugs initiated for trial. You both need therapy and counseling. I would give all this a couple years at most.

If all the above fails, I think you should seek to move towards disolving your marriage. JMHO.

Hot damn, when God was giving out testosterone , why'd he give it all to ME.!!!. Lol. And then, just to be a huge jokester, he saddled me with a LOW DESIRE woman.!!!.

Like really, why can't everyone just have the same amount of sexual desire? Why can't we better choose our mates based on sexual compatibility?

I'm growing more and more sick of hearing of these sexual inequalities. There is NO comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> He is on a low dose depression medicine, and the doctor just said "yeah that's a symptom, go talk to a counselor." My husband is a veteran, so the level of in depth medical care he receives is minimal.


Oh *that *pill. I took it for a few months. It deleted my interest in sex. That part actually helped me. I got to see how my wife felt, and she got to see how I felt.


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> First off, since your husband is a veteran, I respect and thank him for his service to his country. All veterans deserve better from our countries. I'm sorry that he dosen't receive better medical care for his sacrifices. Is PTSD a factor for him?
> 
> I'm sorry to hear of your situation in general. Everyone deserves to have their sexual desires satisfied somewhat, if not fully met.
> 
> ...


This is very helpful insight, thank you!

He does have mild PTSD, thus the need for meds now for anxiety and mild depression. I really don't want to be in a sexless marriage, which is why I've been bugging my husband more and more about getting this figured out. But again, after a while, I just get sick of nagging him to do something about it. I don't want to feel like his mother, and when I'm constantly reminding him to even take his depression meds, it gets exhausting.

I'll get him to make an appt to get his testosterone levels checked, and get another counseling appointment scheduled. Maybe see if he can go through his work's insurance rather than the VA (wait time for an appt is typically a month, minimum).


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> He is on a low dose depression medicine, and the doctor just said "yeah that's a symptom, go talk to a counselor." My husband is a veteran, so the level of in depth medical care he receives is minimal.


What, exactly, did the Dr say is a symptom?


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> What, exactly, did the Dr say is a symptom?


His low libido - almost all depression medicines reduce sexual desire/libido.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> His low libido - almost all depression medicines reduce sexual desire/libido.


How long has he been on an antidepressant? Has he tried others?

Besides seeing a therapist and hopefully someday getting off the meds, I think it is in his interest to find a prescriber willing to make adjustments to find effective meds and doses with less effect on his libido. Talk therapy may not be able to counteract med side-effects as well as a more thoughtful prescriber.

There is at least one (Bupropion) with lesser to no effect on libido for some people. IME, even within the the serotonin-effecting drugs, the sexual side effects varied. They are known to vary with dosage. Dosage is sometime lowered and augmented with non-SSRI drugs.


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## Writer_slowly_drowning (Aug 18, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> How long has he been on an antidepressant? Has he tried others?
> 
> Besides seeing a therapist and hopefully someday getting off the meds, I think it is in his interest to find a prescriber willing to make adjustments to find effective meds and doses with less effect on his libido. Talk therapy may not be able to counteract med side-effects as well as a more thoughtful prescriber.
> 
> There is at least one (Bupropion) with lesser to no effect on libido for some people. IME, even within the the serotonin-effecting drugs, the sexual side effects varied. They are known to vary with dosage. Dosage is sometime lowered and augmented with non-SSRI drugs.


He's been on one for 5 years, never had any adjustments. He's on the lowest dose (I believe) of citalopram. But again, never done any counseling, and I think sees his doctor maybe once a year. Like I said earlier, that's about the best he can get with the VA. :/


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## Regretfulone (Aug 19, 2020)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> Hello all,
> I've been struggling with this for a while, and I found this site, so I'm hoping to get some help here.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. We have one child (4yo), a house, animals, etc. The problem is that, essentially, I feel like my husband is just a roommate. Our level of intimacy is pretty much nil, don't remember the last time we had sex. I can count on 1 hand the number of orgasms I've had with him. We have pretty open lines of communication, and I've spoken to him about my concerns. But, short of nagging him incessantly, nothing is changing. He has problems with his libido, and it sounds like it's mental, but after 1 counseling session, he just doesn't bother to do anything about anything. He's content where he is (his words) and with our relationship. He has no desire for more, and yet I feel like that's all I want - more.
> ...


I have been in the exact same scenario except we don’t have kids. Me and my husband have been married for over 2 years and have been like roommates. For some reason he doesn’t have the desire to be with me. We tried counseling and it didn’t help. Recently after constant arguments I decided it was best to file a divorce. I want to be desired by my mate and I also want kids. Filed a few weeks ago and since we are still in a lease we have to stay for 60 days and continue paying bills like normal. It sucks seeing someone you are leaving everyday until then!
If he really wants to be with you he will help figure how to fix it, if not you may have to determine can you deal with a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.
I thought long and hard and I had to think of how it was hurting me.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> He's been on one for 5 years, never had any adjustments. He's on the lowest dose (I believe) of citalopram. But again, never done any counseling, and I think sees his doctor maybe once a year. Like I said earlier, that's about the best he can get with the VA. :/


He is seriously undertreated. It is obvious his medication is not working, possible even giving his side effects of low lilbido (but not necessary). If you are getting new medication from psychiatrist, you are supposed to go back within a month to discuss if it's working or not, and what's next. Good psychiatrist wouldn't even prescribe a refill for new patient/new meds without seeing him first. 
If he has Tricare, can he go to in-network Tricare psychiatrist instead of VA? The wait time for the first visit might be couple months, but it should be worth it. 

And his testosterone must be checked. 
If he doesn't do something he will lose his marriage.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Depression meds can kill a guy's sex drive. I know about that first hand. But there are sooooo many different depression meds out there, he really needs to talk to his doc. No quick fix, but a good doc will be patient and try several different ones until he gets one that works. 20's-30's is usually way to young for low T. Sure it can happen, but I bet it's the meds. Also does he exercise? If not, he should start. That does wonders for the mind too. Good luck!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

His low libido might also be a symptom of not treated depression and axiety. Has it started before he went on psych meds, or after? There are so many options now in psych meds, there is completely no reason for him to continue like this. And he may need more than one: one for depression, one for anxiety, but that;s for a doctor to determine. 

If you are lucky and get right antidepressant, this could be life changing experience, when you feel like yourself again and get your life back. 

He told you that he is fine with his life as is. He has no reason to change anything. It is now up to you to put your foot down, and make him realize what's at stake - his marriage. 
But you have to be clear what's not working for you, and what do you expect from him (taking his mental health seriously: get the meds that work, and start individual counseling).


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Writer_slowly_drowning said:


> His low libido - almost all depression medicines reduce sexual desire/libido.


First off, I another post you said he has not had his meds changed for 5 years. That is a problem. 

Second, you said that his level of care at the VA is a problem. If that is the case, then one thing I know is that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. And if he is just going through the motions then he will not get help. 

You may have to find another doctor. But no matter what, he cannot allow all of this to continue. He is wasting his life. 

And, if you cannot motivate him to change, because you cannot fix him, then you will at some point have to look at ending the marriage. 

You are 29, there is no reason to live in a roommate marriage like this, it is a WASTE of YOUR life...


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