# Sorting through this mess...



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Hi all.

My wife told me its over three weeks ago, and I'm comming apart at the seams! I need to vent. I need to understand some things about myself, and my wife. I need some unbiased opinions and perhaps I need some help. For those that take the time to read my story ,thank you. 

My wife is 33 and Im 31. we have two boys aged 5 and 2. We got married 5 1/2 years ago. We met, had an absolute whirlwind romance. We were careless and she got pregnant within 2 months of us meeting. I was over the moon, she was devastated (initially). We decided to get married for the right reasons (no one felt forced, very much mutually agreed). So yes we started behind the eight ball, but I was confident that things would be alright.

I guess I was wrong. I suppose in hindsight I wasnt ready to be married. I was selfish and didnt spend alot of time with my wife (yes, I was home, but I would stick my nose in a book or play on the computer. It took me many years to realize what an idiot I had been. She had threatened to leave and I didnt listen. She threatened again years later (about a year ago)and actually did take the kids and stay with her parents for about 3 days to give me (in her words) time to decide if I really wanted to be married.

She came back. I promised to make changes. I didnt make them all, but I know I improved quite a bit. I started to pay more attention to what she needed out of me and I really felt better about myself too. I thought things were getting better. Then she stated going down hill farther and farther. She wouldnt clean the house, make dinner, sleep at night, stay awake when I got home from work, and sometimes I have to wonder what went on while I was at work (she would probably fall asleep on the couch while the kids did God knows what). She had an overactive thyroid and wouldnt take her medication (probably so she could loose weight, even though she was always very thin. I tried to be as supportive as possible and get her to get some help, but she wouldnt listen ( she admitted she was very depressed also) Her family approached me about confronting her together about this but we never did.

fast forward to 3 weeks ago. Shes mad at me for being short with our eldest son when he woke me up for the third time in the middle of the night. She holds this against for two days till I talk to her about it. She brings up all the problems in the past yet again and blames everything on me. I FINALLY stand up to her after all the years ( I was always scared she would up and leave, so I let her get away with murder!). I let her have it about all the lies shes told and stories shes made up in her head over the years (I still tired not to be cruel about it, and I never yelled). She decides were done, thats it. Wants to sell the house and move in with her parents. She says we can live together untill that time, but I cant handle that, so I gather some stuff and relocate to my parents house.

Two days before I leave the house, we sit down and tell the kids. Ive never been so heartbroken in my life. My wife figures our 5yr old wont understand but I beg to differ. He is devasted. He tells me he will circle the days on the calendar when he gets to see me and give me one of his teddy bears so I dont get lonely! (oh Lord, here come the tears again) I try to talk her into counselling over the next few weeks, but she doesnt think it will work. I read up a little on the mistakes I made and discover that Im not the only one responsible here. I carry a ton of guilt, but she still insists that all the things she did or didnt do was because of the way I was years ago. She cant get over her anger towards me and all Ive done is try to be supportive and a good listener ( the things I should have been doing a better job of all along).

So Im in limbo, and I cant handle it. Ive soul searched a ton and take shake the fact that depite everything she has done that I still love her, I know it in my heart. I want to move past this and at least give it an honest try as a team, something we have never done before. She gives me nothing but mixed signals. She wants to talk to me on the phone, have us do things with the kids together etc, but she still makes me feel as guilty as possible whenever possible.

What do I do! What can I do! Im so lost right now I cant even function properly. I make an effort to see my kids as much a possible and put on a brave front for them but Im slowly loosing control. Its all I think about from the moment I wake up and I cant sleep. I cant eat. I lost it today over something so trivial at work and went into a rage, and Im really not the type for that kinda stuff. Should I give up and move forward? I use to have trouble with panic attacks and was SO proud of myself for getting off medication and beating it but now they are back and getting worse!

I left alot out trying to keep it short, and I have trouble explaining myself, but the basics are there. Am I really as horrible of a person as she makes me out to be? Her entire family and all her friends are telling her shes making a mistake, but she just lashes out at them (by her own admission). I really need some help!!!!!! 

Thanks for reading. Any and all comments are welcome ( I can take the good with the bad. I cant hide from what Ive done) Just knowing that someone out there cares and can relate really makes a difference. Im just trying to hold on to my sanity, without giving up on my marriage.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

She is angry that you didn't try for so long. I know becayuse that is why I sent my husband packing to live with his mother. He is trying now but I'm numb through anger, tiredness, I'm weary and although it hurts so much to be separated I dont care if we pull through or make it, I just want to be happy because life is too short--guessing thats how your wife feels.

I suggest writing letters and sending them by post. Dont do to the house because it will upset her. I ball my eyes put everytime I see my H in the flesh because it is confusing and hurtful and sad and I'm so angry I don't even know how to express it. But letters by mail... It is personal, it has distance, itshows thought and care. And it gives her hope that maybe you are the guy she thought she was marrying.

I feel my H was immature and made me do all the work and it still pisses me off to think of it. It sounds like you admit that was you so if you have any chance at all, it will take a long time to fix and you will have to take a lot on the chin. But letters, if my H did that (without me having to come up with it for him--big issues all round) then I would feel hope. Because, at the end of the day, no one wants to get divorced, even when the person initiating the separation is over it all.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Oh I was very immature also. I use to just go to work and let her do the rest (stay at home mom). I did start getting better when our 2yr old was born and tried to make life a bit easier for her. Started to take on more and more of the responsibilities I should have always had like making dinner sometimes, bathe kids, bedtime stories (which I miss sooo badly)

Its funny to think now that I was very detached from our eldest son when he was very little. Nowadays, I love being more involved with them. I really miss story time before bed (that was one of my things, they liked it best when i read them stories)

About writting a letter, good idea. My wife even suggested it. I really have trouble trying to explain to her what I want to say, especially when I know shes going to have me spinning in circles before Im even done. Shes a very quick thinker and always seems to find a way to tear my thoughts/theories to pieces in a heartbeat. I feel like I cant win (ie. get my point across) so I just close up.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

...so write the letters. Start now. Get some writing paper and stamps and everytime you think of something, a reflection, anything, send it.

It is romantic also. Show inititave. Think of things she likes and send them to her. Remember, you are starting from scratch, as if you haven't even gone out before. Her heart is closed off to you but she wants it to be open.

Old school all the way. Good luck.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks for the replies, I really do appreciate it.

I'll make an effort to do this, and I sould really write down the things in my head when they come to me, cause every time I see her I got all to pieces and cant remember what I really wanted to say.

There are alot of things that I need her to work on too if we were to get back together, but I imagine it would be best to focus on her needs first? To get her feeling like shes in a better state of mind?

Shes VERY depressed. She has talked about killing herself on a few occasions. Her family doesnt take her seriously, but Ive been PLEADING with her to get some counselling, but she thinks that things will just work themselves out. I really dont think so, I think things might get alot worse! Im very frightened by this for her sake, and for the sake of our children


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Wow. That must be very stressful for you. I feel for you. Does she have any friends who live near by? If so, ring them and get them to suggest walkig with her to get the endorphins going. Why is she depressed? Are you depresed? 

Totally don't bring up all of the issues you have with her at this point, even if they are valid... its all very thin ice. It takes two to tango so she's obviously played her part too but it takes a while to see that (talking from experience).

No worries for beingthere. Thats what this site is for and it got be through dark days... I'm talking cant work, cant sleep, cant eat, chain smoking, balling my eyes out kinda situation. Not pretty.

Keep yourself busy with projects. Just make stuff up to do and focus on that as much as possible. you need to give her LOADS OF SPACE, but a reasuring letter or little gift will soften the blow for both of you.

Is she an attention seeker with the constantly saying she'll kill herself? I've had friends do this and they din't tel a soul. Just went and did it and it makes me upset to hear someone is threatening such a selfish and horrible thing.

Also, tell her exactly how you feel good and bad... in a letter.

Take care,


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I think her friends are telling her the same sort of things, but she wont listen. Some of them have a lot of issues of their own and theres at least one who probably shouldnt EVER give anyone advice (can you tell Im not exactly a fan.lol)

Im really not sure if Im depressed or not. Ive had problems with it in the past along with anxiety, and medication worked 100% for me. I know if I feel like giving up or i dont care, that its time to go back to the Doctor. She will not trust medication though. The doc strongly recommended she go on anti depresants, but shes afraid that she will go crazy and might do something harmful to herself or our kids. Shes never been one to listen to doctors. I know right now her pulse is absolutely racing because her thyroid is raging and she wont do a damn thing about it. She never finishes meds that are perscribed. She feels that she knows best and if she feels better its OK to stop taking them. She is very sensitive to meds (even tylenol) so I can understand her reservations, but its not like no one will be checking on her well being

Yes, Im afraid shes an attention seeker as well, but in a situation like this, I cant take that risk. For years shes come up with mystery illnesses, and the Docs couldnt find anything wrong (spent alot of long nights in the ER with her, and never saying a thing about it). Its funny too cause these illnesses mysteriously stopped when she decided there was something wrong with our eldest soon, so now that consumes all her worries.:scratchhead:

I really dont know what to make of it all, Im so confused.

Thanks again


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Sounds like some of the major reasons for the marriage breakdown are obvious... re: emotional issues, thyroid. My sister has a thyroid problem and it made her really depressed and made married life hard.

Giver her some space and in time maybe talk about dealing with your emotional problems together...? Just an idea. Messy, messy. Sounds like you need some space yourself.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Ugh, waking up to face the day is really hard sometimes.

At least I was so tired I want haunted by dreams last night.

I'll try to give her some space, but its very difficult. All I want to do is see her again, even just for a moment. I still see her at least a couple of times a week when I go see the kids. my work schedule fluctuates alot so I go there when I can just to spend some time with them. I usually stay and put them to bed, tehn we sit down and talk. I cant seem to keep my mouth shut. I want to let her know how I feel and if theres any chance at all that we could possibly work on this. We have alot of financial isses as well, and how I handle them now will depend alot on if there is any possibility of reconciliation.

Gotta go to work now. Will try to keep m mind off things, but its too hard. Its going to be another really tough day.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

hey there,

how you going? Any progress?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Last couple of days have been really trying!

I haven't talked to her at all since Tuesday night, as I think she way be somewhat annoyed with me from our conversation on Monday. It's so hard to keep my mouth shut, but I'm trying my best.

I Tried to join my pals in our weekly jam session last night, but it was really blaaahhh. I'm just not ready yet. Everything sounded horrible and I just got down on myself about my limitations.

Seriously, I gotta find a switch to shut off my brain, I can't get it out of overdrive! Better start sleeping more soon too or I'm going to burn out.

I just really wish I could get a few questions answered by her that are really consuming me! I'm really not sure if I'll even get the truth though.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

lol overitnolove, I was typing a reply when you posted.

No progress, just frustration and terror at the thought of this thing really being over, but Im holding on a bit better than Tuesday. That day was my darkest yet.

Thanks so much for the replies, it warms my heart a bit, and its so important.

BTW: Did your H really razz you for dropping the dinner thing? I think you made the right move. My wife would give me a guilt trip too. She still has waaaayyy to much power over me and I gotta stop it.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Ha! There you go. You must be near Australia then, or you are awake in the middle of the night???


No, he was understanding... he's doing the 'no, no its fine' thing at the moment.

I made him tell his boss we were separated because he is the classic 'everything is fine and dandy' kind of character and doesn't always deal with reality and this is one of the main reasons we split. So he tells his boss and his boss was fine, as I assumed.... then he told me in hindsight it was the best thing to do.

I suggest going to the doctor and asking for some weak speeling tablets to get you through the worst of it. My mum goes to America all the time and brings back tylanol. I just grabbed a bottle from her house and was have one or two of those before bed for abut a week and a half. Go to bed early, sleep... Sleep is the best because it is the only time your head isn't spinning. And remember this stage does pass. You just need to be gentle on yourself until it does.

Sounds like you two have power issues. Maybe you've let her control the marriage and you've been passively 'getting back at her' in some way and that has upset her??? Just an idea.

Sounds like you both need space.

Recipe:

-Lots of sleep
-Go for long walks at least a few times a week even if you dont feel like it.
-Buy some veggie juice and drik that if you're not eating--I lived on the stuff for about two weeks when I had zero appitite.
-Try and see you friends and not talk about it. Talking about does your head in. Talk about it when you're not so upset.

Take care,

S


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I meant ... weak sleeping tablets, or tylanol...

Bad typing.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Ontario, Canada - Its about 8:30PM here

was that a "no no, its fine" with the brief pause beforehand? I'm getting some of that, so I know its a lie..lol.

Maybe he's a bit embaressed to admit he's separated. I know I am. I feel like I failed everybody, including myself, but I really ry not to let that interfere with my decision making.

I'm really not crazy about sleeping pills. i really need to be as thrifty as possible till I sort things out. If I need to go on anti-depressants again thats gonna be a kick in the teeth as well. i have coverage for prescription drugs and they are pricey.

I find sleeping pills make my mouth taste ickyyyy (akin to chewing on a spoon)

My only escape so far is reading. I love to read almost anything I can get my hands on. Even if the book is cheezy as all heck, I'll usually still finish it anyway. I feel guilty about reading though as that was one of my escapes that I would get in trouble for.

Power struggle? I could see that. Shes a dominant personality (just like her father). She use to date guys she could control. She tries it on me as well, but on certain things I just won't give in to her because I know it's all a power trip. In other ways though, I've let her walk all over me. There are so many things she's done and said over the years that reflect this. Even other people notice it. Her own brother has no idea how I've been able to stand it. I have played the passive / agressive role, and I know its wrong. Im the peace keeper / pleaser and dont rock the boat much. She claims she married her father, which REALLY gets me upset. She is much like him in some ways. I just want to scream at her that no, I didnt go to the bar everyday and get pissed drunk, come home and yell at everyone, make everyone do everything for me, talk to everyone like they are trash and then beat on my kids. Why can't she see that????

wow, that was a rant. It felt good too.

I'm tired of lying awake at night, afraid to sleep worried about what dreams will haunt me into the next morning. Its not every night. but sometimes its really bad.

Thanks

M


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

See.

I guess the question is, is the love strong enough to deal with dealing with all of that.... getting to the bottom of it. Thing is, if she refuses to see her own faults, you have no hope.

She obviously was attracted to the fact that you are the opposite of her Father--kind of what I did with my H. My sister did it too.

And if she is wiling to deal with her issues and re-build the relationship, with the love survive b/c the relationship will have a different dynamic? Is that what you want?

Sorry to say, but the ball is in her court. You need to make her aware of her part in it, and see needs to want to see that. Want being the operative word here.

Thing is with H and me, I see my part, and I have learned a great deal about myself, the world, my family, my bad habits, how he is willing to work on things as well... but through it all, something is lost. We're going to couples councelling with a suggested councillor rather than a random money muncher--there are so many quaks out there!!! I'm really looking forward to that.

Chat soon and glad to read that the site is helping a little.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I know I'm strong enough and willing, but I really don't know if she is.

Good thing is I pick up the kids Fri eve and have them for the whole weekend (and its fathers day too, that should be nice). I only got to see them once this week as she "wasnt feeling good" on Tuesday and I didnt get another chance to go.

I'm curious to see her reaction after I havent called her or anything really since Monday. I dont think she would let much show anyways.

Well, goodnight (Im actually VERY tired) and thanks for everything. Im going to go read my book and drift away.

Talk to you soon.

M


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Three things women dislike, conflict and conflict and the other is not conflict but pressure.

I did all of these things as you read my "hurts soo bad thread".

For me, it is too late, my relationship must run the course.

For you, you have a chance, your youth gives you a great advantage to try again.

Keep yourself healthy
Eat right
Get plenty of sleep
Exercise, work on yourself
Talk to friends, exhaust your friends
Above all, keep a positive attitude around her. 
Keep smiling, smile at yourself when she calls.
No pressure, no pressure, no pressure

A little secret, she is giving you an opportunity every time you speak to her, every time you are near her, every time you are with the kids. Is an opportunity to return. 

No pressure, no pressure, no pressure.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks OITC. I got your messages too BTW. I'll keep that in mind.

She called me today to see when I will pick up the kids. We spoke just casually about the kids and whats happened in the last few days with them. My mind was screaming to ask questions about infidelity fears and the fact that I think she really is hiding something, but I managed to keep my mouth shut and not sound upset at all. I made it very clear how excited I am to have the kids stay with me all weekend.

It's really hard, but I'm trying.

Trying not to panic

Trying not to loose control

Trying not to give up, and to let go abit at the same time:scratchhead:


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Are you worried abut infidelity b/c your gut is telling you something is going on or just b/c you are separated? Has she given you reason to worry in the past?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Shes never given me reason to think she is until one incident days before we separated that raised a few flags. Also with the amount of lies she has told about this and that I really dont know what to believe from her, and its killing me.

I had a great weekend with the kids. It was really nice to spend more time with them than just a few hours. I took my 5yr old to his friends birthday party and that was kinda hard. Seeing all the happy families there and feeling like such a failure. I didnt let it get to me too much though.

Had to have a talk with my 5yr old about his mother. He says he wants to come live with me cause Im nicer too him and dont make him do things he doesnt want to do. Had to explain that mommy makes you do things like that cause she loves you, not to be mean. He keeps saying stuff like that and that he wishes I could come home, and its hurts so bad every time.

Things almost got started out on the wrong foot. Friday I get a notice of fine for a $15.00 parking ticket she was suppose to pay over 2 months ago. Now its $39.00!!!! So friggin typical of her. I was going to call her immediately and get on her about it, but I was too mad and didnt want to be in a bad mood.

Things were great till I took them home this eve. So sad to see them go. I get there and my wife has done absolutely nothing all weekend. The house is positively filthy. I really hate the thought of my kids living like that.

She wanted to talk just like friends again. I babbled away again while my mind screamed at me. Of course I showed up with that useless hope again thinking she would reconsider. I'm such a fool.

She got rid of me nice and quick too cause her friend whos in a bad way was on her way over for the 124565488 consecutive day to vent her problems. Left feeling like I dont matter.

She wants me to come over and watch the kids tomorrow night so she can go somewhere, but I find myself thinking perhaps I shouldnt. Seems like she wants to have her cake and it eat to. I dunno maybe Im wrong. I want to help her, but I dont want to make it too easy for her. Shes gotta get of her butt and get her life in order.

I feel like Im falling again, and I cant stand it. When will it get easier and I'll be less confused?

..Ok my pitty party is over.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Like I was saying in another post... it takes about 2 months to get realclarity about what YOU want and where she's at.

It does seem like she is taking the piss... I agree, don't fall over yourself to help her out and it does smell of a rat, the lying and all.

I'd ask her. She seems mightly cold. Usually a separation not involving an affair is more emotional 'cause either party has lost steam. She's going out? After only a few weeks? And quite regularly? Hmmm. Sounds fishy to me, but then I've only heard your side of things and there will always be two sides to a coin.

I think you need to get into some kind of dialogue with her. She doesn't seem upset, so she could handle it. I'm much more emotional and a little weak at the seams when it comes to the whole separation thing. Even though I initiated it. 

What do you think about blatently asking her?


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## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

how did the letter thing turned out? I am trying to give my wife space and not sure now if writing a letter is a good idea or consider invading her space.

my friend wants to introduce her friends to me...I told her I am not ready and i am waiting for my wife. my friend then told me i am hopeless -- that i am waiting for my wife to "take me back" whenever she wants to...part of me agree with her, we are like losers...and for what?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I did confront her about this particular incident more than once. She knows Im freaked about it.

She went out one night to the bar with what was suppose to be her sister and abunch of others. Ended up (so she claims) only her and some guy who use to fawn over her years ago. She must have gotten pretty drunk that night as she took a cab home and passed out on the couch. I have no clue what time she got in. I wasnt really bothered by it at first as Ive always trusted her 100%. Then I found some trimming in the toilet where so was doing a little "maintenance" somewhere. Then I distinctly remebered her dolling herlself up a bit more that night and shaving her legs. She claimed that it was for my benefit later as when she drinks was usually when we had sex, but I was asleep when she got in.

I dont know, maybe Im just so high strung. thing is if she did that, then its final. I cant forgive that. I've already forgiven her for too many other things, some of which I wonder if I should have.

She hasnt been going out a lot. the thing tomorrow night is a support group for parents with autistic children. she is convinced our son has it, yet no specialist has confirmed this. In fact one a few years ago said probably not. She took him to this doctor against my wishes and hid it from me till her sister told me. I just wanted her to go through the proper channels but she wanted to do it "her way" come hell or high water. She was willing to lay her marriage on the line for this. and I forgave her. I pretty well just sat on the fence with this. I wouldnt condem her on it, and I didnt want to feed her desire either. As I said before she hs a history of "medical myteries". Alot of people believe that shes just turned from worrying about herself, to him. Her whole family thinks its BS. My mother is livid about it, but wont get involved as she knows its not her place. Ive been the peacekeeper the whole time with this and take all the flak.

Im so torn on this its not even funny. She doesnt realize that most of the things he does is just normal for some children. Hes in no way more difficult to care for then the average child. Why cant she just love him? She says things around him that are potentially damaging and wont listen too me.

Hes just like me in so many ways. She thinks I have Asbergers Syndrome (sp?)(in fact she thinks half the world suffers from autism). Im worried she might damage him in some way. He did test as a genious, and hes extremely sensitive. Social skills arent great, but hes been making great strides in his first year of school.

Im at a loss as to what to do. I want to do whats right for my kids and for me, but I also dont want to further anger her untill maybe she will agree to get some help.

Im scared, and it hurts.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Baisser,

You're not a loser, nor are you acting like one. You're just doing what feel right for you at this period in time. How long have you been separated for? My friends are over my separation and want me to move on but it isn't about your friends. Maybe say to your W that you are thinking of dating... you don't wan't to because you want things to work out but you are letting her know b/c you want to know where she is at.... see how she reacts.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

baissier said:


> how did the letter thing turned out? I am trying to give my wife space and not sure now if writing a letter is a good idea or consider invading her space.
> 
> my friend wants to introduce her friends to me...I told her I am not ready and i am waiting for my wife. my friend then told me i am hopeless -- that i am waiting for my wife to "take me back" whenever she wants to...part of me agree with her, we are like losers...and for what?


I can understand your thinking, and your in no way a looser. You want your wife back, plain in simple. It may not work in the end, but you feel like the two of you *owe* it to yourselves to give it an honest chance. Thats where Im at now, and its all anyone can ask for.

I havent written the letter yet, but Ive been writing down my thoughts for future composition. Shes not ready for it yet either as I dont think it would have the desired effect yet.

Maybe soon, I'll let you know.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hey dark angel. Maybe you need to get strong and ask yourself why you are with such a needy person riddled with issues? Working on them and the relationship is important, which ever way it turns out, but ask yourself why you were with her in the first place.

Seems like on the one hand you love her and want everything to go backto normal but on the other hand a big old WTF hangs over your head in regards to her behavior....


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Ohh yeah a big WTF sign with flashing neon lights and the works!!!

sigh

this is so hard

Perhaps I am starting to be torn. I went to send a package on friday and the girl on the counter was *very* attractive. I found myself actually a bit smitten for the first time since Ive been married. Perhaps its just cause Im soooooo lonely, but I have to wonder if theres more to it.

I felt extremely guilty right after though.

I guess its because I made a vow 5yrs ago, and I mean to follow through with it. I wasnt a very good husband at first so I really feel I owe her one, even with all she did that she claims she did because I started it.

I do know I love her. Even if it doesnt work out, I really want to try because we never really did together. We never worked as a team. theres no way I'll go back *unless* she gets help. Ive made that promise to myself.

I just feel lost in the darkness tonight.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Number ONE: 

Focus on your children. Take the children whenever she wants, document it in a diary each and every time. You are doing well not to speak poorly of dear Mom. That is SO important, also do not let others disparage her in front of the kiddos.

Number TWO:

I don't think you a loser at ALL. I think you care, you know you could have been better, but don't we all know hind sight is 20/20?

I would try to write her rather that sit and discuss. My dh sat and discussed so MUCH I avoided him when we exchanged kids for visitation during our separation. 

Don't get "mushy" on her in the writing, but remind her of the positive things of working it out: number one the children. Tell her that no matter what, you want to stay civil and friends for your kids.

Good luck. Hang in there. It will get better.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

So I had to see her last night as I went to visit the kids. She wants to chat about this and that so I play along. Not that I sont want to. Im just afraid to start talking about us when I shouldnt. She talks about how things will be in the future with the kids and isnt at all upset. Im sitting there trying not to let the cracks show in my facade.

We talk about her moving to her parents house so I can move back in and fix the house up to sell it. I ask her if I can buy her out of it so I can keep it. She agrees its a good idea, if I can come up with the money.

I feel myself slipping deeper.

I ask her about her search for a job and she claims that she has some posibilites. Thats about as far as it gets though as I still dont think she has really done anything.

I ask her when shes moving out as it was suppose to be this weekend (what she wanted). She offers to hurry and get out. I give her more time.

Its time to go, I leave, and fall apart yet again. I get home (but its not really is it?). My mother catches sight of me and tries to comfort me. I come completely unglued. She helps me through it and I feel a bit better. Im very fortunate that way.

Today, the dark clouds are over my head again, following me.

Is it really going to be like this EVERY time I see her. 

I feel like a little bit more of me dies each time.

Im overjoyed at the sight of her and the sound of her voice. At the same time, I feel like any second Im going to loose my mind.

Why cant I just be a jerk, shrugg and walk away?
Why do I still love her so much, when perhaps I shouldnt?
Why cant we at least try to work it out in councelling and go from there?
Is there someone else?

These questions are haunting me relentlessly. I need to make it stop, even if just for awhile so I can get some rest.

*sigh*

maybe the sun will come up tomorrow, as it certainly didnt today.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Yep. That's how it goes. You want to see her because you love the comfort she once brought and you remember good timkes as a family, I'm guessing.... butwith all ofthis, everytime you see her it does your head in... I've been there, still go there everytime I see him. If you can, try not seeing or talking to her at all for a month.

It really helps. See if your Mum can do the children hand-over, so your miond doesn't hurt so much. Don't worry M, everyone feels that way whenthey are torn and everything they knew to be real; their foundation, is changing. But, in the long run you do actually become a stronger person. You are softer, but stronger. Although separation is so painful, it re-connects you with who YOU are, yet makes you a more gentle soul when it comes to affections because you realise who deeply they affect you. No one knows that feeling until they have gone through this. And it ****s me when people are quick to tire of the helplessness and confusion you are going through. They don't understand and never will. I am just lucky because my busineses' CFO had bee through a divorce and told my editor to "give her all the time she needs".

To answer your question, yes it is going to be like this every time you see her.

Try to create distance. You need to grieve alone, move forward in a shaky way and slowly find your feet. After that you will eventually start to know what you need. And following that, you will ever so slowly decide whether you want to work with her so she can provide it for you and likewise for her, or if you will just move on.

Have a cup of tea, some parecetamol and watch a nice movie.

Take care,

S.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I guess its time for an update. Just been so busy trying to sort stuff out.

Not much has changed in my wifes attitude. She still seems convinced that she really doesnt even want to explore councelling.

Ive been reading up on some stuff and found a few answers for myself. I now understand what a fool I have been letting her get away with manipulating me for years. I should have put my foot down sooner. Who knows, maybe we wouldnt even be where we are now if I had.

Now, Im no Doctor but Im conviced she a compulsive liar. God only knows how much Ive bought into over the years when I was blind. I knew things werent right, but *choose* to ignore them in the hopes of preserving things. She lies about little things mostly, I guess to make herself look better. She lies about spending too, and has played a rather large part in our current financial mess, but wont take any responsibility for it. I use to defend her to other people when they would ask me about some of her stories. Now others are telling me that Im not crazy, she really is full of it. She needs help before we can even begin to think about "us"

Apparently there has been some things going on at my house that I really wouldnt approve of. My neighbour tipped me off to this but wouldnt elaborate as he really doesnt want it to seem like hes spying on her. This is torturing me! I want to know! I respect his decision, but talk about leaving someone hanging!

Things just got even mor complicated too. Ive been trying to be there for her and such as much as possible, to no avail. She was suppose to be moved in to her parents by now but is still dragging her heals. She claims her Dad wont let her move in untill she has her share of equity in the house (whether I seel it or keep it). She admitted hes also been telling her to get a lawyer, but she doesnt want to. This has all got me jacked right up and I wanted to talk to both of them about it and perhaps not make so much time for her and see if she likes that.

A few days ago, she called in tears as her mother is dying of cancer. The Docs are finally giving up on the Chemo so its just a matter of time. I was there for her in a heartbeat to get the kids and keep them overnight so she could have some time to herself. Today they rushed her mother to hospital with a high fever and infection (could possibly be her kidneys are failing). I rushed out to get the kids early as i have them this weekend anyway. She went to the hospital to be with her mother and has been giving me updates. I fear it is only a matter of shorter time than anyone would like.

Now I have this awful dilemma. I cant do anything right now except wait it out. I certainly cant get tough with her in her greatest moment of need. I desparately want to be there for her, but she doesnt seem to want much to do with me (unless she hs no one else to talk to on the phone). i want to see her family too as Im fairly close with them, but she doesnt seem to want me to see/talk with them so i have been respecting her wishes. Im afraid to be taken advantage of, Im scared she's turned to someone else. I dont even know whats the truth or a lie anymore. I worry about what my kids are hearing and what *she* is saying to them.

I just dont know what to do, and its killing me.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

If she can't move in with parents...could she get a motel? You need to get her out asap. Once she's out, no contact that isn't absolutely necessary. 

I know about being with a liar (and cheater). It all comes crashing down and there's nothing you can believe was real. Even though it was real for you.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hey M,

I agree with Dcrim--dcrim I'm sorry I got angry at you for that comment a while back--...

You need to get distance. Being there for her in regards to the kids in the wake of the cancer news is great. You're doing the right thing. At the same time, still keep distance. Don't go back with her just because of all of this. Things just happen in threes they say...

She's the one that brought up the whole separation thing in the first place, so she should move into a hotel. Or, you could, ifyou can afford it and it works with the kids.

Sspace is important... but we all know that, and at the same time, sometimes it is good to ease into the separtion thing. I see stbx once a week or so... no contact at all was too hard for me. So you need to do what feel right for you at the time.

Chat soon,
S


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