# How to deal with agressive and emotionally unavailable husband



## petalhill (Dec 4, 2013)

I have been married to my husband for 15 months, and we have a 12 month old daughter. When I met him, he was romantic and expressed a need for warmth and affection and I really liked how we got on well together and how we lived together once we moved in. He is Colombian and I am British by the way. Just after getting married however, I noticied that he started to withdraw affection, starting with saying he didn't want to hold my hand (saying that my hand sweated alot and it was uncomfortable)- we had always held hands before. He would be less affectionate and never say he loved me unless I initiated it first. Around a month before the birth, I asked him to hold my hand more as I literally was losing balance in the street and needed the support! I realise that it is much harder to be affecionate after the birth of a child, but he just about refuses, except ironically in the bedroom, where he is quite a different person, which just confuses me more (it is very regular, and I feel like the only bonding we actually have)

Also, just after the birth of our daughter, he began to become very unreasonable and show a very worrying temper. . He did not hold my hand during the birth and was very indifferent to my pain and only kissed me on the cheek after. He was cold in the next few days, and I felt alone and rejected. He would complain when I turned on the light at night (small nightlight for minimum interuption to baby) to feed baby, he refused to help with the baby, or change a nappy. He did however do alot of the cooking at the beginning which was a great help, so I have to give him that, it made a very big difference. 

When she was 2 weeks old, I needed him to help me lift the buggy down stairs in our apartment as I was still in recovery and he refused and told me to do it myself. I feel that he felt resentful that I was bossing him as he felt as I just needed to rely on him as we don't have family where we live. It turned into a horrible argument and was just one of many, many more. He began to shout at me for no reason, and despite telling him and pleading with him not to do it, he continued, laughing at me whenver I tried to broach the subject of what was going on. He constantly critises me and complains (albeit in a semi-joking way) that I do not do more cooking, housework even though I am currently the breadwinner as his business is just starting up (I work at home) and I mind the baby the majority of the time. . People are starting to comment on how little attention he gives me to him, and one of his close friends confided in me that she was not sure if he actually loved me.

I expect that our cultural differences are a big part of this, his sisters have readily admitted that their culture is in their words " sexist" compared to Europe, and my husband had communication difficulties as a child and his sisters have said that he has always had a temper and found it hard to relate to many people. 

He also hardly never answers my calls, even if he is out with the baby and I make a point of only calling if necessary.

On my side, I am not the best communicator and can tend to sulk before coming out what is wrong with me. I am also from a family that is calm and logical where we never shouted at each other and I find it practially impossible to just stand my ground when someone crosses it, and just put my foot down and say "enough is enough", though I really want to do it now! I don't believe that is the best strategy either, and I am attending couple counselling on my own to learn skills, thopugh they really want to bring in my husband. However, when I try to talk about it, or about anything, he starts to laugh, talks over me, walks out of the room, while acting as if he is listening. However, he actually refuses to listen and this really feels like he is controlling me. cannot express any feelings if I am having a bad day with the baby or just in general, as he gets angry and in front of the baby which I hate. When I tell him to stop in a calm and firm way, he just shouts more and walks away. It is a bit scary tbh

He has good points of course, he loves our daughter and is very good with her and has increasingly started to do things with her, something which is a great comfort to have, and he can be very helpful if she is crying, or upset, coming up with practical ideas. I am also aware that he is not a "bad person", rather is just acting pretty unacceptably, just as much as I am not blameless in our problems in our marriage. He is ironically quite laid back and does not lose his temper with other people, though he is controlling and needs to always lead the conversation, otherwise, he tends to not participate. 

I feel lost. I am very aware that our daughter is goign to pick up on our behaviour very soon. I always act calm around my husband, I never get into an argument with him and I am always the one to make the first move to stop him ignoring me as I can't handle an atmosphere and I don't want our daughter to get upset. I strive to create a normal atmosphere but soon I will not be able to control that. 

So, to summarise, I wonder if this is normal after a baby is born, and how is the best way to try to get someone that is quite controlling and strong-minded to listen. I feel like writing a letter is one way. I am also looking inside myself alot to see where I can improve things in the relationship, as I don't want to be a victim and these things are never just about one person. 

Any help very much appreciated, I am a ball of nerves and a bit at my wit's end. Thanks.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

It appears he gave you a facade to reel you into the marriage. You are now seeing the real him. Can you live with that the rest of your life?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

petalhill said:


> I expect that our cultural differences are a big part of this, his sisters have readily admitted that their culture is in their words " sexist" compared to Europe, and my husband had communication difficulties as a child and his sisters have said that he has always had a temper and found it hard to relate to many people.


As a Latina, I can tell you point blank that some Latino men are the most affectionate there are out there. I grew up seeing my uncles/cousins, everybody fawning all over their ladies/wives and telling them how "sexy" they were and touching them. Latinos can be very very tender, 'handsy' and loving. Some of the stereotypes are true: we like to dance, we greet eachother when kissing, sensuality isn't looked down upon. 

The last part of what I quoted above says it all: it's not about the cultural difference; it's about your husband. Your husband's sisters themselves told you that he has always had issues/a temper. 

I agree w/ te above poster who said whhat you got was "Mr. Charming" when you dated and now you are seeing him for who he really is/his true character. 

These types tend to get worse over time. Emotionally unavailable men tend to w/draw even more. 

I hope you can see that this is not a man who is acting like he loves you. It's almost like he is showing that you are a burden to him. Sorry.

You need to talk to him and tell him about your emotional needs. Either he steps up to the plate or he won't. If he won't, then you need to decide if this is the kind of marriage you want to live/have.

I once was with a man just like this. So sweet in the beginning, then acted like we were enemies. I left him.


----------



## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I think it's both--yes, his personality, but he justifies it through an opportunistic cultural interpretation that sometimes allows men to behave like this. In either case it's no excuse and I agree, it will become more and more unbearable.

I also would add that having children magnifies our stressy spots and leads to acting out. Guys especially often feel additional stress from the urge to support a growing family and can become resentful if it looks like they're not successful at that. 

You have to ask yourself at what point you will credit yourself with having tried hard enough and what you will do if nothing has changed due to your efforts.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

What's his immigration status?


----------



## petalhill (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks so much for the replies, they are all very insightful and helpful. To the last poster, he had a temporary work visa before we married, but now has full working papers.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eh, I hope he didn't marry you to get legal.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

petalhill said:


> Thanks so much for the replies, they are all very insightful and helpful. To the last poster, he had a temporary work visa before we married, but now has full working papers.


That's the way it usually works. Mission accomplished. File.


----------



## petalhill (Dec 4, 2013)

Thanks to everyone for your replies to my post of nearly 3 years ago (ek!), I just came across it today. Yeah, you were all correct, I saw sense and am divorcing him, was a horrible marriage, and am so glad to be out.


----------

