# What does he want??



## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

My H has been "getting out of dodge" frequently since I discovered his EA/PA with a coworker. His psychiatrist has told him that he needs time to figure out his own issues (major depression) before he can begin to work on our marriage. He has interpreted this as leaving town to get "time and space" for himself (I am aware many people will say are you sure the A is over)

The day before he planned on leaving on his most recent "get away" I asked him why he had to keep leaving when I NEED him right now to work through what I am going through. He said that he felt like he hadn't had any true solitude since the past number of times he had left we had continued to talk on the phone or thru text. 

I decided to embrace the "180" and we hadn't talked at all since he left. Tonight, about 48 hours after we last talked, he texted me saying Hi. When I didn't answer he said, Alright, I hope you are Ok, Goodnight. And when I didn't respond to that, he said Goodnight again. Then again, Ok, I'm done, sorry for bugging you, hope you had a good week at work, night. 

He is obviously trying to get me to communicate with him but WHY??? Isn't he the one that wanted the "time and space" in the first place.

Am I hurting my chances at R by not responding? I feel like I barely have the will power to not respond.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

How do you know the affair is over?


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

How does anyone ever know an affair is over?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

henley said:


> How does anyone ever know an affair is over?


They end it one way or another.

Expose the AP`s spouse, divorce, separate, reconcile.

These things are measured through complete transparency.

You do know he`s probably bull****ting you and is with his mistress now don`t you?

I don`t understand why you would allow a man who was just busted cheating to spend weekends away.

Makes no sense.

You may have a point that you can never really know if he`s faithful but at the same time you don`t have to so thoroughly enable his cheating by giving him weekends with his lover.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Also...

When any spouse says "I need space"

They are thinking the last part to themselves...

"To freely continue screwing my AP"


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

This is kinda hard, and doing the 180 is what you need to do, don't worry about him just take care of yourself, because he is being selfish again and you need to verify there is NC with OW and the A is over for sure. Once he realizes you don't need him in your life but CHOOSE to have him there things will start looking up but only if there is NC with OW and A is over. You can respond to his text but don't be friendly or overexcited to hear from him, just cordial and to the point. Good luck..


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

When someone needs time alone to think, they usually say "alone" time or "me" time and try to find it in a separate room in their own house, in the basement, in the garage, etc.

When a cheater wants to continue the affair, they usually say they need their "space" and they need "time away." This makes it easier for them to cheat.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

tacoma said:


> They end it one way or another.
> 
> You do know he`s probably bull****ting you and is with his mistress now don`t you?
> 
> ...


Thanks..... yah that has totally never crossed my mind (this is me rolling my eyes)

He is staying with friends which I have verified. Do I think there isn't a possibility he couldn't be sneaking off from where he is to see her - of course not. My trust has been shattered in him, so obviously believing what he says is impossible.

He is however a grown man. He is off work on stress leave so he isn't spending "weekends with his lover", and if he was, that is his choice to make. Would I be sticking around if he was? Absolutely not.

I am more so asking how I deal with this.... not what he is doing while he is away


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## Unresolved (Apr 14, 2012)

Well in my case I'd say go hit a casino..lol(just kiddin)

I say you go out with your girlfriends and have some much needed fun. Go get your hair done, mani/pedi and get all dolled up for a night out with friends. 

I really feel for you. I know all those roller coaster feelings your going through. But I would have to agree with the other posters and say, how does he think he's going to resolve his marriage if he's not around to even live it?

I really think you should do u you now for once. Don't bother replying to his messages, that'll get him in panic mode (like what is she doing, who is she with and so on). Thats what you need. You really need to take control of your life now and screw what he wants or needs at this point.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*His psychiatrist has told him that he needs time to figure out his own issues (major depression) before he can begin to work on our marriage.*

To your husband, this means he should figure out if he really wants to be married to you while you sit around and wait.

This isn't something that requires too much thought. Either he wants to try, or he doesn't. If he does want to try, he can change his mind later if it's not working. If he doesn't want to try, he can end it now. If he really doesn't know, he can give it a try and see how he feels. Spending time in a hotel as a single man with no responsibility is not going to get him any closer to a decision.

I say respond to his messages, tell him to come home and work on the marriage. If not, give him a time limit, not too long, at most a day or two, and tell him you will be filing for divorce if he doesn't decide by then. Then do it. You can always stop it if he later decides he wants the marriage and you still are open to it.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Do like I suggested, the 180 (it is a miracle worker), focus on just yourself and your kids, if you have any and have fun...and if you need talk or rant and rave we are here for you.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

What is wrong in saying good night back? You could text at least that and not get caught in conversation with him.
I get that you are trying to give him more time to think (this time) but why would you want to be out right mean if you want R???


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The reason we are bangng on about the affair being over is that he is sounding like he is cake eating. 
Keeping you on the hook. and probably the OW, while he finds himself.
That's what the little bits of communication are about, nothing to do with you..
Casino is a waste of YOUR money. i can understand the slash and burn but your gonna need the money so spend it on gold instead. Shiny and you can sell it later


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Kurosity said:


> What is wrong in saying good night back? You could text at least that and not get caught in conversation with him.
> I get that you are trying to give him more time to think (this time) but why would you want to be out right mean if you want R???


One of the reasons not to answer his text messages is to not feed his ego or need for attention. He chose to leave a home where he could have regular conversation instead he moved out. Stay dark , work on yourself to make your life better without him. If one day he comes knocking at the door be attractive not only to him but others , he must see who he has lost. Personally I would change the locks to prevent any return unless it is on your terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I just wish it could all be over. 

As idiotic as this sounds... sometimes the idea of being a complete fool and going through life having no idea what is happening behind your back is incredibly appealing. I realize this is not a realistic solution to anything. I just don't feel like I am in a place to make any kind of decision yet, including R or D or even 180. I've made at least 2 failed attempts at the 180 so far. He still seems to be the one with all the power


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

henley said:


> I just wish it could all be over.
> 
> As idiotic as this sounds... sometimes the idea of being a complete fool and going through life having no idea what is happening behind your back is incredibly appealing. I realize this is not a realistic solution to anything. I just don't feel like I am in a place to make any kind of decision yet, including R or D or even 180. I've made at least 2 failed attempts at the 180 so far. He still seems to be the one with all the power


Don't beat yourself up. We all slip when doing the 180. Just pick yourself up and start again.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> *His psychiatrist has told him that he needs time to figure out his own issues (major depression) before he can begin to work on our marriage.*
> 
> To your husband, this means he should figure out if he really wants to be married to you while you sit around and wait.
> 
> ...


What kind of a psychiatrist is that ? This sounds like either incompetence in the shrink or bs from the H?? You don't solve problems by running away from them. Any shrink worth their salt will have this guy facing his issues, not camping out at the Ramada Inn or with enabling friends.


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