# I am Paranoid right?



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

OK so my question is this. Should I be concerned about my wife having lunch, alone, with a single male co-worker. She is a teacher and they sometimes have lunch together in his or her room. Their doors are closed and locked. She doesn't stay after work late or go to work early she doesnt go out at night partying.... FYI my wife and I have access to each others email, facebook, iphones,.... I have not seen any suspicious activities.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Uh the doors being closed and locked would make me paranoid too. Have you told her this makes you uncomfortable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

She knows you have access to her (primary) email, phone, and FB therefore you won't see suspicious activity there.

Time for the usual.. VAR's under the car seat, checking phone records, checking for a second phone hidden in her car or elsewhere, and reviewing the signs of an affair, such as her suddenly taking more of an interest in her appearance, unexplained absences, lateness getting home after work, weird behavior, purchases of lingerie that you never see, increase or decrease in sexual drive, that sort of thing.

The short answer is yes, be concerned.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Gaia, yes I have told her this MANY times. She tells me it is because if the doors were open the students would be constantly bugging them. I can understand this because the school campus is open. I mean that the students have their lunch in an open quad and their doors, if left open, would be open to the quad.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You're probably over reacting, especially since she's been up front on this but why do they lock the door??

As I've said before, if EITHER spouse is uncomfortable with any acquintance of the other (or activity) the other spousse should respect that and not do it (or be friends with) the other person

The only other avenue you may want to pursue is a keylogger on the PC

This would uncover any secret email accounts if there are any. have you looked at the browser history at all? In regards to cell phones, have you checked to see if the incoming/outgoing message counts match the phone?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A larger group of teachers would be a better idea. Even just one other person.

I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting. I think this is good to do even when there is no speciifc issue. 

How long have you been married? Children? Is it typical for other teachers to lock themselves in their rooms for lunch? Do they not have a place to go to sit with other teachers?

What grade level does she teach?

By single male co-worker you mean he is not married? And that it is always this guy. Never anyone else?


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> OK so my question is this. Should I be concerned about my wife having lunch, alone, with a single male co-worker. She is a teacher and they sometimes have lunch together in his or her room. Their doors are closed and locked. She doesn't stay after work late or go to work early she doesnt go out at night partying.... FYI my wife and I have access to each others email, facebook, iphones,.... I have not seen any suspicious activities.


..it isn't what is going on now....it is all about where this is leading. There is really no good business reason for them to lock themselves in for lunch together. EAs start with sharing stories of misery stresses etc.......and by the way, schools are where many affairs start.......my spouse is a teacher, and I hear stories.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Generally, faculty has a work room or area designated for them to have lunch... like a lounge area. Why aren't they eating in there?

You don't care for it. I think you have a valid concern as to why... just based on them being alone together all the time. It's dangerous territory.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

donders said:


> She knows you have access to her (primary) email, phone, and FB therefore you won't see suspicious activity there.
> 
> Time for the usual.. VAR's under the car seat, checking phone records, checking for a second phone hidden in her car or elsewhere, and reviewing the signs of an affair, such as her suddenly taking more of an interest in her appearance, unexplained absences, lateness getting home after work, weird behavior, purchases of lingerie that you never see, increase or decrease in sexual drive, that sort of thing.
> 
> The short answer is yes, be concerned.


She is never really late she always gets home at about the same time. She always dresses nice and professional. She doesnt wear any sexy lingerie, her sex drive is typical for a married woman. she almost never refuses sex with me I could have sex every day if I wanted. I was thinking of putting a VAR in her car but why if she wanted to cheat it would be in the classroom. I have looked in her car for another phone and their is none.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> She is never really late she always gets home at about the same time. She always dresses nice and professional. She doesnt wear any sexy lingerie, her sex drive is typical for a married woman. she almost never refuses sex with me I could have sex every day if I wanted. I was thinking of putting a VAR in her car but why if she wanted to cheat it would be in the classroom. I have looked in her car for another phone and their is none.


Explain why you have a concern with what she's doing.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> A larger group of teachers would be a better idea. Even just one other person.
> 
> I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting. I think this is good to do even when there is no speciifc issue.
> 
> ...


We've are going on 18 years, 3 kids.
Id say yes it is typical for other teachers to lock themselves in their rooms at lunch. there is a faculty lounge she doesnt like it. There is usually another female teacher with her. She teaches High School.

I have talked to her about this last year when she would occasionally have lunch with a different male teacher. We got into a HUGE fight over it. She says I need to trust her. I do trust her but I also feel I need to verify.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Its just that today I went to visit her at lunch. I had just picked up my son from daycare and I sent her a text asking if we could come by. 5 minutes later I didnt get a response and I was already driving by her work so I sent her another text telling her we were there and I didnt get a response again so I checked myself into the school and went to her room. she wasnt in her room so I called her and she answered telling me she was next door with the male coworker alone, door locked. I wasnt angry but NOT happy. I noticed that they did not look me in the eyes when I was talking to them.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Where does she work in one room schoolhouse? LOL

It's nice she told you, it shows she's concerned with your boundaries. Now make one. Tell her to use the lunch room or teachers lounge. Believe me you'll feel a whole lot better. And when the young buck finds out, he'll know you set boundaries in your marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

So is it jealousy? Men can't be alone with your wife? I'm trying to understand the paranoia. 

Are you taking care of business in your marriage? She happy? Sometimes the paranoia comes when we know we may be lacking in some areas.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Its just that today I went to visit her at lunch. I had just picked up my son from daycare and I sent her a text asking if we could come by. 5 minutes later I didnt get a response and I was already driving by her work so I sent her another text telling her we were there and I didnt get a response again so I checked myself into the school and went to her room. she wasnt in her room so I called her and she answered telling me she was next door with the male coworker alone, door locked. I wasnt angry but NOT happy. I noticed that they did not look me in the eyes when I was talking to them.


Bully for you. Now he knows you exist and are on to him.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> So is it jealousy? Men can't be alone with your wife? I'm trying to understand the paranoia.
> 
> Are you taking care of business in your marriage? She happy? Sometimes the paranoia comes when we know we may be lacking in some areas.


If you mean taking care of her with sex then thats a *yes* :smthumbup:. She tells her students that Im her sugar daddy so I guess I take care of her material needs (we are well of financially). I do the cooking and a lot of the cleaning as well as the dishes  so I think Im good on the home front as well.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

VAR in car is for that fact that most cheaters (not saying she is) are very comfortable talking to their APs on their drives to an from work

Don't forget the keylogger!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What reason do you have to worry, otherwise?


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Ill probably put the VAR in her car but I doubt Ill uncover anything. I have access to her work laptop and there is never anything suspicious. I dont think I'd be able to install a keylogger or spyware program (from like spectorsoft) on her work computer without it being discovered.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> What reason do you have to worry, otherwise?


I guess I really dont. She has told me, in the past, that she does not think he (the teacher she had lunch with today) is attractive. Unlike the teacher she was hanging with last year she had the hots for. We even played off the fantasy of me catching her with him. 

Yes we do share fantasies like that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> If you mean taking care of her with sex then thats a *yes* :smthumbup:. She tells her students that Im her sugar daddy so I guess I take care of her material needs (we are well of financially). I do the cooking and a lot of the cleaning as well as the dishes  so I think Im good on the home front as well.


Is she happy? Emotionally is she satisfied with your marriage? With YOU?

Sex often is great. So is financial security and material comforts. You can have all of that and STILL be lacking if you aren't emotionally connected.

I tell my husband... I would live with him in a cardboard box and eat beans from a can just to be with him. He's my best friend and NO man could ever come between that. Emotionally HE is my touchstone. 

Do you think your wife could say that about you? What do this guy and her talk about alone in there? What do you think she shares with him?


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> We even played off the fantasy of me catching her with him.
> 
> Yes we do share fantasies like that.


It might not be a fantasy.

It just might be practice for the real thing.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Gaia, yes I have told her this MANY times. She tells me it is because if the doors were open the students would be constantly bugging them. I can understand this because the school campus is open. I mean that the students have their lunch in an open quad and their doors, if left open, would be open to the quad.


I'm sure this is all innocent enough and I'm equally sure that all affairs start out innocently enough.

Although you may be able to trust your wife, how do you know you can trust her coworker? I would trust that she had the good judgement to have lunch with another female present but apparently that's not the case.

My wife is hot looking. She is personally outgoing and she really doesn't understand how men interpret things and she sometimes lacks a sense of propriety. I wouldn't leave her locked in a room with another man for a minute and I don't understand why anyone would think doing that was OK


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Is she happy? Emotionally is she satisfied with your marriage? With YOU?
> 
> Sex often is great. So is financial security and material comforts. You can have all of that and STILL be lacking if you aren't emotionally connected.
> 
> ...


I have always perceived her as being emotionally distant with me and our kids. She has said I am her rock and no one will come between us.

She says they usually talk about work. She said they were talking about the cost of daycare. even though he does not have kids.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

donders said:


> It might not be a fantasy.
> 
> It just might be practice for the real thing.


We even played off the fantasy of* me catching her with him*. <----thats the key words in that sentence. 

maybe thats where my issue is. I dont think I would be upset if she wanted to have sex with someone else as long as she didnt hide it from me. I think I would be more hurt if she tried to hide it from me.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I dont think I would be upset if she wanted to have sex with someone else as long as she didnt hide it from me. I think I would be more hurt if she tried to hide it from me.


Oh. Well I guess to each his own.

I'd have a problem with my wife or significant other having sex with another guy even if she told me about it but hey that's just me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well it's one of my hard core things that opposite sex friends "OSF" are inappropriate and when I say that what I mean is exactly the scenario you are talking about. Acquaintance is fine. Friendly is fine. One on one time IS NOT FINE. 

There's nothing worse than being suspicious all of the time and this gives you reason to be.

Tell her it's not appropriate and that you don't like it and buy "Not Just Friends" and make sure she reads it. That way she'll know why it worries you.

Like I said, I'm pretty hard core on this one. My wife knows I'm not okay with it and she's never done it. If she did even knowing I don't like it then I'd quickly let her know it's a deal breaker for me and the choice is hers. Fortunately she agrees that it's not right.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

I told my coworker about this and he told me to just play it cool. Dont get mad at her dont bring it up tonight. Just play it as if everything is okay and go about my usual routine at home tonight. He said that if she brings it up to just say "im fine no problems". If she presses for a fight or argument then something is up. If she doesnt press then there is nothing going on.

What does everyone think of this strategy?


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

I forgot to mention we have "find my iphone" so I know where she is. Anyone else use this? Its pretty cool!


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I would suggest that the OP read that post by Morigan about the teacher she works with, and how things went down there.... SHE might not be looking, but it's highly possible he is.

FWIW, I would have a HUGE issue with something like this.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> I would suggest that the OP read that post by Morigan about the teacher she works with, and how things went down there.... SHE might not be looking, but it's highly possible he is.
> 
> FWIW, I would have a HUGE issue with something like this.


Yes but it does take two. if our wives, husbands, or S.O. really love, care, and respect us then they will not wander.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Avoiding an issue is a bad idea

Calmly discuss why it makes you uncomfortable


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> We even played off the fantasy of* me catching her with him*. <----thats the key words in that sentence.
> 
> maybe thats where my issue is. I dont think I would be upset if she wanted to have sex with someone else as long as she didnt hide it from me. I think I would be more hurt if she tried to hide it from me.


The school year has basically just started and she's one on one behind locked doors with a single male,so this could just be the prologue to the story.Couple that with the fact that you perceive her as emotionally distant and she also has an idea you wouldn't be upset if she has sex with someone else and you may have your fantasy come true with the added bonus of your wife emotionally attached to another man.Be careful what you fantasize about as you probably wouldn't want to deal with the pain of the reality.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Yes but it does take two. if our wives, husbands, or S.O. really love, care, and respect us then they will not wander.


You are completely correct there.... unfortunately, I have seen too many real life situations where "it just happened".... Then I get on here and read the "coping with infidelity" forum, and see those threads.... 

Sometimes what we "know" still has a hard time overcoming what we fear.

My wife works in athletics at a high school.... I've seen the way she gets looks from coaches, etc. she laughs and says I'm crazy. I tell her I know exactly what they see!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I told my coworker about this and he told me to just play it cool. Dont get mad at her dont bring it up tonight. Just play it as if everything is okay and go about my usual routine at home tonight. He said that if she brings it up to just say "im fine no problems". If she presses for a fight or argument then something is up. If she doesnt press then there is nothing going on.
> 
> What does everyone think of this strategy?


ahhh. Does she know you don't like it? That has to be somewhere in the communication. She may honestly think there's nothing wrong with it. She may think you are overreacting but still say okay if it bothers you then I won't do it.

You first have to give her the opportunity to know what you think and react to it. 

Sorry if I missed something but I did not see where you told her this.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Avoiding an issue is a bad idea
> 
> Calmly discuss why it makes you uncomfortable


No, because she already knows Im mad. So she is expecting a fight tonight (this is our normal M.O. I know Ive been married to her for 18 years). If I play it off like im not mad and she doesnt bring it up or push an argument then nothing is going on. if she does push it and tries to get me mad at her then something is up; because she is trying to get rid of her guilt by getting me mad at her.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> ahhh. Does she know you don't like it? That has to be somewhere in the communication. She may honestly think there's nothing wrong with it. She may think you are overreacting but still say okay if it bothers you then I won't do it.
> 
> You first have to give her the opportunity to know what you think and react to it.
> 
> Sorry if I missed something but I did not see where you told her this.


she knows *I DO NOT LIKE HER BEING ALONE WITH A GUY*


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Why does having a discussion=having a fight?


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Why does having a discussion=having a fight?


Again, she already knows how I feel about her being alone with a guy. She knows Im mad. My wife and I have already discussed it. It turned into and argument then a fight...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> If you mean taking care of her with sex then thats a *yes* :smthumbup:. She tells her students that* Im her sugar daddy so I guess I take care of her material needs (we are well of financially). I do the cooking and a lot of the cleaning as well as the dishes  *so I think Im good on the home front as well.


I was about to say that I don't think you have much to worry about on her side,
But then I read this part I highlighted in your post

You take care of her material needs.
You take care of the cooking & cleaning.
You pick up the kids at daycare.
She is having lunch with another male teacher locked in a room.

Anybody else see a pattern developing here?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Will she read "Not Just Friends" if you buy and ask her to read it?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Again, she already knows how I feel about her being alone with a guy. She knows Im mad. My wife and I have already discussed it. It turned into and argument then a fight...


ehh. That's not good news at all.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> She is never really late she always gets home at about the same time. She always dresses nice and professional. She doesnt wear any sexy lingerie, her sex drive is typical for a married woman. she almost never refuses sex with me I could have sex every day if I wanted. I was thinking of putting a VAR in her car but why if she wanted to cheat it would be in the classroom. I have looked in her car for another phone and their is none.


We know. Most of us feel that it is best to head this off BEFORE there is anything wrong. What you mention is in the possibly inappropriate area. And that is arguable. So the feeling is that this is best to just head off. No accusation of wrong doing at all. 

Keep in mind people int eh very early stages of an EA do not see themselves as being vulnerable. Also you have no idea about this single guys motivation. Best he not get too attached to your wife.

Inappropriate -> Unfaithful -- Cheating.
--^
You Are Here most likely. Folks would argue not even this. But you have brought it up so this is not great. Now IF sh starts hiding it and flat just ignoring your concerns this by definition is getting into the unfaithful part. 

I do not want to be an alarmest. Do some checking but DO NOT accuse. 

How has your relationship been? How is your sex life? I wonder what her answers would be for these. Also what is so interesting about this particular guy?

The intent is stop anything from getting started at all while not being completely creepy paranoid.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

oneMOreguy said:


> ..it isn't what is going on now....it is all about where this is leading. There is really no good business reason for them to lock themselves in for lunch together. EAs start with sharing stories of misery stresses etc.......and by the way, schools are where many affairs start.......my spouse is a teacher, and I hear stories.


My daughter is a teacher and I hear stories. It is very common for teachers to be dismissed for having affairs where I live.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> We've are going on 18 years, 3 kids.
> Id say yes it is typical for other teachers to lock themselves in their rooms at lunch. there is a faculty lounge she doesnt like it. There is usually another female teacher with her. She teaches High School.
> 
> I have talked to her about this last year when she would occasionally have lunch with a different male teacher. We got into a HUGE fight over it. She says I need to trust her. I do trust her but I also feel I need to verify.


My daughter teaches High School. The last two teachers dismissed from the school were caught by students in a classroom. FWIW.

But the fact there is another female teacher with them makes a big difference in my opinion. But alone. No. No locked doors. Yes students will walk in. The locked door is for privacy.

But this is not about them having sex in the classroom thoug unbelieably this happens. It is the one on oen time with your wife and a single guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Its just that today I went to visit her at lunch. I had just picked up my son from daycare and I sent her a text asking if we could come by. 5 minutes later I didnt get a response and I was already driving by her work so I sent her another text telling her we were there and I didnt get a response again so I checked myself into the school and went to her room. she wasnt in her room so I called her and she answered telling me she was next door with the male coworker alone, door locked. I wasnt angry but NOT happy. I noticed that they did not look me in the eyes when I was talking to them.


I will get pummeled but I consider this inappropriate since you have brought it up for concern. The old just trust me does not hack it with me.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> My daughter is a teacher and I hear stories. *It is very common for teachers to be dismissed for having affairs where I live.*


The same in our country, only thing is that they can't be dismissed. Ever since I was in school, teachers ALWAYS have affairs.
Recently I posted on another thread that teachers make great couples when they marry [ to another teacher ] because of the uniqueness of the job.
It helps them bond.

Three of my teachers were involved in extra marital affairs. And the affair partners were,
TEACHERS.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I guess I really dont. She has told me, in the past, that she does not think he (the teacher she had lunch with today) is attractive. Unlike the teacher she was hanging with last year she had the hots for. We even played off the fantasy of me catching her with him.
> 
> Yes we do share fantasies like that.


Wow. Here we go ... again. People totally clueless about EAs. Like is has anything to do with someone finding someone attractive. :slap:

I will be honest with you. The typical scenario here is for someone to ask if they are being paranoid and then for them to explain the situation and then for them to explain why no one should be concerned. A type of bait and switch.

So you now say that you do a role play where you fantasize about her male colleagues habing sex with her. Really?

And now you tell us she had the hots for another teacher last year.

Wow this thread is trickle truth. So I'll get the the end of the thread but now yeah I think you guys have invited trouble.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Yes but it does take two. if our wives, husbands, or S.O. really love, care, and respect us then they will not wander.


It should be this simple right? A lot of times it isn't.... people make bad choices and try to rationalize that something they do is "no big deal"..... the truth is.... yes it is a big deal and even those we think care about us.... tend to slide into the danger zone and essentially screw us over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> We even played off the fantasy of* me catching her with him*. <----thats the key words in that sentence.
> 
> maybe thats where my issue is. *I dont think I would be upset if she wanted to have sex with someone else as long as she didnt hide it from me.* I think I would be more hurt if she tried to hide it from me.


Okay, okay .... right. :rofl:


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP .. I would be suspicious too. if something is not happening now, it will in the near future. Can you free yourself up to drop in and have lunch with her unexpectedly from time to time. 

I think you are getting some good advice from other posters here. You need to nip this thing in the "bud" NOW one way or the other. You are not being jealous, you are being wise.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I told my coworker about this and he told me to just play it cool. Dont get mad at her dont bring it up tonight. Just play it as if everything is okay and go about my usual routine at home tonight. He said that if she brings it up to just say "im fine no problems". If she presses for a fight or argument then something is up. If she doesnt press then there is nothing going on.
> 
> What does everyone think of this strategy?


This strategy does not help stop an EA ... it is ambivalent and passive behavior. But you said you really don't care if she has sex with someone else. You just want to know about it ...

But this is the advice you might get with Roissey. But then again Roissey would just tell you to go find another woman.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Yes but it does take two. if our wives, husbands, or S.O. really love, care, and respect us then they will not wander.


This is not true at all.


But anyway, you should be able to explain to your wife that this is something you are not comforable with and will not accept. She already knows your mad. Going away and just pouting is not the answer. 

The fact she had the hots for a teacher last year, would make one wonder if there is a pattern. But this is really about respect and boundaries.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> she knows *I DO NOT LIKE HER BEING ALONE WITH A GUY*


And she still does it.

Does she think that this is controlling of you?

Sounds like " I'll do what I want and you can't stop me! So there!"

If she knows how you feel about it and won't change then you have two issues to deal with.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I told my coworker about this and he told me to just play it cool. Dont get mad at her dont bring it up tonight. *Just play it as if everything is okay and go about my usual routine at home tonight. He said that if she brings it up to just say "im fine no problems". If she presses for a fight or argument then something is up. If she doesnt press then there is nothing going on.
> 
> What does everyone think of this strategy?*


Nothing could be further from the truth.

My feeling is that she knows that she has full control of you.
She even boasts about you being her " sugar daddy."
She expects you to "go in a corner and sit " when she says so.
You need to find out exactly what is going on.
You have already voiced your displeasure, She refused to take it into consideration. 
The ball is in your court, what should you do?

Time to stop this " Sugar Daddy , Nice Guy " foolishness.
Human beings are reward oriented, you are rewarding her for disrespecting your feelings.
She is taking you for granted.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I'm a teacher but in my country nobody has one one lunches with closed doors. Everybody does in in the lounge or the cafeteria.

Does this happen often in the US? 



> The same in our country, only thing is that they can't be dismissed. Ever since I was in school, teachers ALWAYS have affairs.
> Recently I posted on another thread that teachers make great couples when they marry [ to another teacher ] because of the uniqueness of the job.
> It helps them bond.
> 
> ...


HAHAHA... Don't get me started here. Due to the specifics of the trade connections develop and its a fertile ground for bad things to happen.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

There is no reason I can think of that could justify her being alone in a private room or even sitting separately from the crowd in a cafeteria together. If the guy has a problem of some sort, she should refer him to counseling.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think it's time to investigate SOP. You can't really see what's going on in the building but EA needs to communicate all of the time. Get a VAR in her car. Check number of calls and text on her phone. You can do this online probably but you can not see what the texts says.

Do you have password for any social network stuff like Facebook?

Anyway I think you've provided sufficient evidence for almost everyone reading this to think EA is already full steam and PA may be.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> She said they were talking about the cost of daycare. even though he does not have kids.


That's odd. Why would a man talk to a woman about something with which he has NO experience and surely limited knowledge or interest?

Hmmm....Odd.

Oh, that's right. Women pursue opposite sex friendships for companionship and support. Men pursue them for...

She may not find him attractive, but I can GUARANTEE he would bang her in a heartbeat. That's why they talk about all of these things only a woman would be interested in. We don't know for sure what your wife wants out of these little interludes, but we KNOW what the men expect. So half of these parties are looking for sex. Add even the best of intentions from your wife, mixed in with a little "it happens", and you are well past a 50% probability something will.

Make sure she knows that you KNOW that these men want to screw her. When she says "what? MY guy pal? NO WAY" we can help you there as well. We had a fun off-on-a-tangent discussion on this not long ago on a thread we hijacked. The men actually won that argument in less than 2 pages. It was a slaughter. The "no WAY" from the women was handily TROUNCED by the "YES WAY" from the guys.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> *I have always perceived her as being emotionally distant with me and our kids. She has said I am her rock and no one will come between us.*
> 
> She says they usually talk about work. She said they were talking about the cost of daycare. even though he does not have kids.


Not good.
You know deep down that something is going on.

That statement,
"...nothing will come between us " 
Is doublespeak for,
" Stop asking me stupid questions , while I explore my options."


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Ok as stated these facilities have areas for staff to eat away from students. I would feel some of their colleagues have noted this and may have ideas as well. Whilst youve covered all the communication areas there is the issue of you feeling comfortable with a "lock in". Looking for other areas such as seperate phone hidden away, new lingerie tucked away and worn, but not for you (this isnt a big issue but all adds up) Could you suddenly turn up for lunch with here one day and gauge reaction?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

You have every right to be concerned and every right to ask her to stop. Problem is, now the doubts have set in, even if she now says she will stop having lunch with the co-worker in a locked room, how will you know for sure she has stopped. 

Just to clarify, are you saying you don't mind if she is unfaithful as long as you know about it. And if so, is she okay with you being unfaithful?


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## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

Soory man there is NO REASON for the door to be locked. She is cheating! If she wasn't she would leave the door OPEN and she would not fight with you about it. Good luck


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wondering if the OP has been scared off by the truth (as least as seen by most of us) since he hasn't been back in a few pages.....

Suspicious, I know that you didn't get the answers that you wanted (you wanted people her to tell you that your suspicions were unfounded). Well, you didn't get that and there's a reason for it.

Look, I'm not saying your wife is in an affair or actively seeking one right now but she's at the least put herself in a very vulnerable position.

You said "Again, she already knows how I feel about her being alone with a guy. She knows Im mad. My wife and I have already discussed it. It turned into and argument then a fight..."

What I get from this is that she has dismissed your feelings as unimportant. She hasn't done anything to make you feel more comfortable like having lunch in the teachers lounge with all the other teachers. I would be shocked if there WASN'T a rumor already about the two of them in the school. It happens all the time!

Again, don't confront now. Monitor via keylogger and VAR in car as well as looking at cell phone records. 
"


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Yes but it does take two. if our wives, husbands, or S.O. really love, care, and respect us then they will not wander.


This may be the most dangerous statement I have read on this forum to date


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Unless you have other reasons (I have not read all 5 pages), then YES - you are paranoid.

I used to have a male co-worker that became my BFF. We were completely different and neither of us had any feelings "that way" for one another. He wasn't my type and I'm positive I wasn't his.

My husband did not feel threatened at all. He was my BFF before we married and remained so after we married. And he is still my BFF today.

And just because she didn't jump on texts you sent her the minute you hit send doesn't mean anything either. I don't always hear my phone and things aren't returned timely. But my husband doesn't either and he doesn't even work. 

So UNLESS you have reason to believe otherwise and she gives you one, then I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This may be the most dangerous statement I have read on this forum to date


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I hope the OP is messing with us. We got a little bit of bait and swicth again when we found out she had the hots for another guy last year and that he is ok with her wanting anothe man as long as he knows about it. yet she says he is not ok with them spending time together. So hard to nail down.

This thread has gone from something that many would argue is or is not appropriate to something possibly more. 

Also the fantasy role play using a real person as the focus is nukkenfutts. So I am skeptical.


----------



## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Its just that today I went to visit her at lunch. I had just picked up my son from daycare and I sent her a text asking if we could come by. 5 minutes later I didnt get a response and I was already driving by her work so I sent her another text telling her we were there and I didnt get a response again so I checked myself into the school and went to her room. she wasnt in her room so I called her and she answered telling me she was next door with the male coworker alone, door locked. I wasnt angry but NOT happy. I noticed that they did not look me in the eyes when I was talking to them.


Man you need to wake up! If they cant look you in the eyes thats BAD REAL BAD.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Unless you have other reasons (I have not read all 5 pages), then YES - you are paranoid.
> 
> I used to have a male co-worker that became my BFF. We were completely different and neither of us had any feelings "that way" for one another. He wasn't my type and I'm positive I wasn't his.
> 
> ...


The reason for concern is that he told his wife this makes him uncomfortable and she disregards that. Your husband did not thing anything of it and did not say I'm uncomfortable with this. 

Her one-one time with a man behind closed (and locked) doors, knowing that her husband if stressing about it, is the problem. Actually it's the huge red flag of the likely EA or PA.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> Her one-one time with a man behind closed (and locked) doors, knowing that her husband if stressing about it, is the problem. Actually it's the huge red flag of the likely EA or PA.


It certainly confirms her independent assertion that she feels she should be allowed to put her marriage at risk without any agreement from her husband.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Unless you have other reasons (I have not read all 5 pages), then YES - you are paranoid.
> 
> I used to have a male co-worker that became my BFF. We were completely different and neither of us had any feelings "that way" for one another. He wasn't my type and I'm positive I wasn't his.
> 
> ...


I agree with you. 

Except, sometimes I do feel threatened its just the way I am; hence my screen name. Maybe its because of my abusive parents. Maybe it is because sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her work that she becomes emotional distant. I dont know..... anyway

My wife and I talked and argued for a while today. she says she was only alone with him for a maybe five minutes, because her other female coworker just left (I tend to believe her I know the female coworker), and that the door to his room was not locked. She also said she did screw up and she will not ever be alone with any male coworkers. She says Im jealous of her second love which is her work. I agreed with her I am jealous . She also said she would never have sex at or in any of the rooms at work/school *even with me*. To her its just plain wrong and she would never jeopardize her family or her job. Also, this guy just is not her type (she likes em younger & fit not balding with a beer gut). My wife has always been *VERY* loyal to me. Sometimes I forget this.

I still do believe it is inappropriate for a married woman to be alone with a guy (she agrees and understands why).

One thing that is gonna really confuse everyone about our relationship is this:
I am perfectly fine if, when we are out *together*, that she is free and can talk, flirt, and dance, kiss, touch and pretty much anything else with anyone she wants. I am also free to do the same! We both have done this for pretty much our whole relationship. This is how we are and we have absolutely *no jealousy* issues when we are together and those things happen. Its very fun and really charges up the batteries. <---- I know it makes no sense.

Like I said I trust my wife however, I also believe in verifying that trust (free access to email, fb, phone, car, sh!t I could inspect her classroom if I wanted). She is the same way with me. 

Sometimes when we argue & fight it shows how much we love each other :smthumbup:

A lot of the responses/advise I got seem VERY toxic. always poking holes or raising doubts in other peoples relationships? Its very negative. Is that how this website is or is it just the people that frequent it?


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> I hope the OP is messing with us. We got a little bit of bait and swicth again when we found out she had the hots for another guy last year and that he is ok with her wanting anothe man as long as he knows about it. yet she says he is not ok with them spending time together. So hard to nail down.
> 
> ...


Why is role playing nukkenfutts? Its a fantasy nothing more.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

lucky me said:


> Man you need to wake up! If they cant look you in the eyes thats BAD REAL BAD.


She told me she couldnt look me in the eyes cause she could tell I was not happy.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> Except, sometimes I do feel threatened its just the way I am; hence my screen name. Maybe its because of my abusive parents. Maybe it is because sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her work that she becomes emotional distant. I dont know..... anyway
> 
> ...


Sorry OP but YOU were the one who came here looking for people to validate that your suspicions were unfounded. Since almost NO ONE agreed with you, we are all toxic.

The fact of the matter is, most of the people here have either been down a similar road as you or know someone who has.

I told you to investigate quietly and not accuse. That way if nothing was going on, your mind could stop racing.

If you do some reading here (especially in the CWI forum) you'll see that many a spouse was told the same type of things by their wandering spouse:

"Oh honey, I would never" and "He's not my type"

She even has you doubting yourself and agreeing to EVERYTHING she put forth! You're here because your gut MAY be trying to tell you something. By tipping your hand and not quietly investigating, I doubt you'll ever get to the bottom of this

So she said she'll never again be alone with a male co-worker or behind a closed/locked door (and she's also trying to tell you that never happened even AFTER she told you WHY they lock the door?). Who's going to police that?


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I think it's time to investigate SOP. You can't really see what's going on in the building but EA needs to communicate all of the time. Get a VAR in her car. Check number of calls and text on her phone. You can do this online probably but you can not see what the texts says.
> 
> Do you have password for any social network stuff like Facebook?
> 
> Anyway I think you've provided sufficient evidence for almost everyone reading this to think EA is already full steam and PA may be.


I have checked her phone against the phone records. Everything is kosher. Nothing unusual. As for the VAR in her car. I seriously doubt anything would happen in the car as she takes our kids to school before she goes to work and then picks them up from school after work. Also, I have the find my iPhone so I can see where she is and she is never in her car she is always at work. I know she is with her phone because I can text her and she just about always responds.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> Except, sometimes I do feel threatened its just the way I am; hence my screen name. Maybe its because of my abusive parents. Maybe it is because sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her work that she becomes emotional distant. I dont know..... anyway
> 
> ...


I don't think it's abnormal to be threatened by something taking your spouse's energy and time from the relationship. I think it's normal if you love her. So she said that she screwed up and you think she also agrees now that it's inappropriate. It sounds like your initial problem is solved then which is good news.

If you and your wife agree to a little consensual flirting then who are we to say it's wrong. I felt like things were not consensual in regards to the one-on-one time with the coworker. She knew you did not like it and seemed from your comments that she did not care.

Maybe she just had to think about it a little. Either way, some of the comments that you think are too harsh may have helped you get into the state of mind to have the argument. It's easy to set back and think there's something wrong with your self for even being jealous or suspicious. We see it every day with new posters and then there was the impression that you were trickling truth to us which sort of supported that idea.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

By the way. Piling does happen here because there's a lot of baggage and history.

I hope you stick around on the forum and provide input to others. Especially when you think someone asking questions is being amped up. Don't be surprised to find that most times you will agree with the majority though.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Sorry OP but YOU were the one who came here looking for people to validate that your suspicions were unfounded. Since almost NO ONE agreed with you, we are all toxic.
> 
> The fact of the matter is, most of the people here have either been down a similar road as you or know someone who has.
> 
> ...





> Who's going to police that?


I can go to her work at anytime. she knows this.



> "Oh honey, I would never" and "He's not my type"


If she wanted to screw this guy than she has bigger mental issues then me. LOL


I have investigated quietly. I have checked everything (phone, text, email, purse, car, FB,.....) 
I never accused her of cheating.

If she was cheating (ea or pa) there would be something and there is nothing.

The door was not locked.

Im think Im just paranoid.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Why is role playing nukkenfutts? Its a fantasy nothing more.


Not what I said. I said with a real person. 

That is no longer a complete fantasy. That is called an affirmation. That programs ones brain with feelings towards a real person your wife interacts with. She thought he was hot.

That is what I see as nuckenfutts. This is very high risk.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Sorry OP but YOU were the one who came here looking for people to validate that your suspicions were unfounded. Since almost NO ONE agreed with you, we are all toxic.
> 
> The fact of the matter is, most of the people here have either been down a similar road as you or know someone who has.
> 
> ...


Bait and Switch


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I have investigated quietly. I have checked everything (phone, text, email, purse, car, FB,.....)
> I never accused her of cheating.
> 
> If she was cheating (ea or pa) there would be something and there is nothing.
> ...


Na you did your due diligence based on feeling suspicious and you had a good reason to feel suspicious I think. You found what every spouse want to find. Nothing.

That was not paranoid. Maybe if you keep digging without any reason to then you would be paranoid but so far you were just being smart.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not what I said. I said with a real person.
> 
> That is no longer a complete fantasy. That is called an affirmation. That programs ones brain with feelings towards a real person your wife interacts with. She thought he was hot.
> 
> That is what I see as nuckenfutts. This is very high risk.


IMO I Doubt it.

We have fantasized about many people, over the years, that we have come into contact with on a daily basis.

My wife was not the only female teacher who thought he was hot. LOL


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Well this marriage has some additional open features that some might not have. Such as kissing and touching and so on. 

She said she is not going to have sex in the room, but who knows if she is going to indulge in those other things short of full sex.

That said, as happens fairly often folks come here asking if they are jealous or paranoid and then turn it around and end up going ... I guess I am.

Which is fine but indeed it often comes with an agenda. Which is also fine.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Bait and Switch


No again. I doubt it. 

I have told her if she ever wanted to do something with someone to just be upfront with me. Id be fine with all three of us going out and seeing where the night leads us.

We really have nothing to hide from each other Entropy3000. I sometimes get twisted in thinking.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> If she was cheating (ea or pa) there would be something and there is nothing.
> 
> The door was not locked.
> 
> Im think Im just paranoid.


Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're always wrong. I pray that you will never go through what I and others on this forum have experienced. Life before we became toxic seem like a far away dream


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

To be honest, your [[[ EDIT ( not open but more open minded than most ) ]]] marriage thing throws a kink in my understanding a little bit because I can't imagine the dynamics and what "is" and "is not" healthy in that type of marriage.

I will say that I have a short list of poster on TAM that I think "get's it right" almost all of the time. Entropy is on that list so don't ignore anything he says just because you don't like it.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> To be honest, your open marriage thing throws a kink in my understanding a little bit because I can't imagine the dynamics and what "is" and "is not" healthy in that type of marriage.
> 
> I will say that I have a short list of poster on TAM that I think "get's it right" almost all of the time. Entropy is on that list so don't ignore anything he says just because you don't like it.


Our marriage is *definitely* not open.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> To be honest, *your open marriage* thing throws a kink in my understanding a little bit because I can't imagine the dynamics and what "is" and "is not" healthy in that type of marriage.
> 
> I will say that I have a short list of poster on TAM that I think "get's it right" almost all of the time. Entropy is on that list so don't ignore anything he says just because you don't like it.


Wait a sec...OP, do you have an open marriage?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Our marriage is *definitely* not open.


I thought you said it would be okay for her to be with someone in some case if you knew or was okay with it. That's my definition of "open" but then I guess it's an ambiguous term.

Anyway the intent is that you and your wife have certain things in your relationship that I have a hard time projecting myself into. It's not a slam or insult. Just an acknowlegement that I'm not as certain about my advice as I normally am.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Wait a sec...OP, do you have an open marriage?


It was my interpretation from earlier post. He did not say it though so maybe I misinterpreted.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> No again. I doubt it.
> 
> I have told her if she ever wanted to do something with someone to just be upfront with me. Id be fine with all three of us going out and seeing where the night leads us.


That doesn't mean she wouldn't find an extra thrill in cheating. On another forum a woman had a marriage with almost the same rules as yours. As long as they were open about everything and the other spouse was agreeable to inviting an individual into bed, they would go forward. It worked well for a long while until the W discovered one of the people her H introduced to the marriage was a previous girlfriend, which was against their rules. He made sure the OW wouldn't tell his wife and conspired to hide the fact that he had a relationship from her. The W was devistated.

My point is no marriage is 100% affair proof, even if you have extremely lax rules as to what constitutes cheating. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> Except, sometimes I do feel threatened its just the way I am; hence my screen name. Maybe its because of my abusive parents. Maybe it is because sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her work that she becomes emotional distant. I dont know..... anyway
> 
> ...


I don't think people deliberately try to be TOXIC, they try to be honest and for some, it may come out differently than they actually intended based on how they have worded their response.

I, personally, have no issue with married women or men having good friends of the opposite sex and I have no issue with them being alone with the opposite sex--to me, this screams of 1950's sexism! But hey, that's just me. 

But if your wife agrees with you and continues to see this man and spend time with him, do I think she's having a possible EA or PA - not necessarily, she may just agree to your face but feel differently and wants to exert her independence and feels you may be trying to control her and what she does. And the minute a spouse feels the other is trying to control them, what happens? They do exactly the opposite to prove you can't.

But, as you said, if she truly agrees with you, then why is she continuing the behavior--that's what you need to find out. That in fact may mean she has an emotional attachment to him and doesn't want to "let go."


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I thought you said it would be okay for her to be with someone in some case if you knew or was okay with it. That's my definition of "open" but then I guess it's an ambiguous term.
> 
> Anyway the intent is that you and your wife have certain things in your relationship that I have a hard time projecting myself into. It's not a slam or insult. Just an acknowlegement that I'm not as certain about my advice as I normally am.


Yeah an open marriage to me means she or I could go out *ALONE * and have sex or a relationship with someone else. Thats not in our relationship.

We are okay with "some cases" but seriously the planet have to be in perfect alignment and both the democrats or republicans would have to agree on something like abortion and gay marriage. lol


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> It was my interpretation from earlier post. He did not say it though so maybe I misinterpreted.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> IMO I Doubt it.
> 
> We have fantasized about many people, over the years, that we have come into contact with on a daily basis.
> 
> My wife was not the only female teacher who thought he was hot. LOL


Good for you. Thinking someone is hot is not the same as the spouse role playing with it.

This seems to be what you want in your marriage. Good luck. Not really judging, but clearly this is not something for me.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I don't think people deliberately try to be TOXIC, they try to be honest and for some, it may come out differently than they actually intended based on how they have worded their response.
> 
> I, personally, have no issue with married women or men having good friends of the opposite sex and I have no issue with them being alone with the opposite sex--to me, this screams of 1950's sexism! But hey, that's just me.
> 
> ...


Again I seriously doubt anything is going on with her and this particular coworker. He's kinda gross.


----------



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

WhereAmI said:


> That doesn't mean she wouldn't find an extra thrill in cheating. On another forum a woman had a marriage with almost the same rules as yours. As long as they were open about everything and the other spouse was agreeable to inviting an individual into bed, they would go forward. It worked well for a long while until the W discovered one of the people her H introduced to the marriage was a previous girlfriend, which was against their rules. He made sure the OW wouldn't tell his wife and conspired to hide the fact that he had a relationship from her. The W was devistated.
> 
> My point is no marriage is 100% affair proof, even if you have extremely lax rules as to what constitutes cheating. Best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





> My point is no marriage is 100% affair proof, even if you have extremely lax rules as to what constitutes cheating. Best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree with you on this. Cheating can be a thrill for some. I seriously doubt she is cheating on me right now though. She's not hiding anything.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Our marriage is *definitely* not open.


I think all marriages have some amount of openess. They have to.

The extremes are spouses are locked away on an island alone forever or are in a wide open marriage.

Most folks live in the gray in between.

What you describe is more open than many marriages. Closer to a soft swing maybe than an open marriage. An open marriage is where the parties go off on their own to have sex / affairs with others. 

Swinging is a level of openess / sharing that is done to some extent together. Flirting and dancing is not that uncommon. Kissing and touching and more is some level of swinging to me anyway.

You seem to be concerned this will turn into open marriage activities. I get that. You are willing to share to some extent but you want to be involved. Check.

Whatever works for you.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

So today I met my wife again at her work. No this was not a surprise visit we planed on meeting. Anyway, I went to her room and the door was wide open. I went in and she and one of her male coworkers (different guy) were sitting down talking. I know this guy and his wife. I had no problem with the situation. I was very nice and cordial. My wife noticed how much different my aditude was and commented on it. I told her because there was no question (in my mind) about what was going on. It wasn't inappropriate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> This strategy does not help stop an EA ... it is ambivalent and passive behavior. But you said you really don't care if she has sex with someone else. You just want to know about it ...
> 
> But this is the advice you might get with Roissey. But then again Roissey would just tell you to go find another woman.


The PUA community doesn't always give the best advise to men in relationships. Especially the whole being passive is ALPHA thing is laughable. Alpha is anyting but passive and aloof when it comes to dealing with other males.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Be careful, your behavior in the checking and snooping can cause more problems. If I found out my H was monitoring me, I would not be happy. If she has given you no reason, don't use a VAR to check her email etc. If she gives you reason, that's another story. But from what you posted, you admit that she has been loyal and honest, don't ruin that.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jfv said:


> The PUA community doesn't always give the best advise to men in relationships. Especially the whole being passive is ALPHA thing is laughable. Alpha is anyting but passive and aloof when it comes to dealing with other males.


Agreed!! A candle in the darkness. Thank you.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

What is PUA? Who or what is Roissey?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Shiksa said:


> Be careful, your behavior in the checking and snooping can cause more problems. If I found out my H was monitoring me, I would not be happy. If she has given you no reason, don't use a VAR to check her email etc. If she gives you reason, that's another story. But from what you posted, you admit that she has been loyal and honest, don't ruin that.


This is why I'm not going to put a var or spyware on her computer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I agree with you.
> 
> Except, sometimes I do feel threatened its just the way I am; hence my screen name. Maybe its because of my abusive parents. Maybe it is because sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her work that she becomes emotional distant. I dont know..... anyway
> 
> ...


OP

Can you can explain this in detail please?

What part of another man can she touch?

What kind of kissing? Peck on the cheek, full on lips, tongue?

How far do you go?

Does this include sex of any kind?

And this is done at parties, social gatherings ?

And do you do the same?

You said that you are OK with this when together, but do you ever think that this could spill out when she is not with you?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> What is PUA? Who or what is Roissey?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PUA = Pick Up Artist.

Roissey is the man behind the relationship website Chateau Heartsie

You should probably have a look at the website.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> So today I met my wife again at her work. No this was not a surprise visit we planed on meeting. *Anyway, I went to her room and the door was wide open. I went in and she and one of her male coworkers (different guy) were sitting down talking.* I know this guy and his wife. I had no problem with the situation. I was very nice and cordial. My wife noticed how much different my aditude was and commented on it. I told her because there was no question (in my mind) about what was going on. It wasn't inappropriate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So when she know´s your coming by,her work. Then al of sudden
its not a problem to have the door wide open.And of course
Students just coming by is no problem anymore .It´s Just a problem when you are not around .Hence the need to have to lock the door when you are not around..

*She said she didn't look me in the eye´s .Because she could tell you warent to happy about it*..Oh please .its not like your opinion have mattered before.its not like she did not know this before..And what was the dudes excuse??


Its just that today I went to visit her at lunch. I had just picked up my son from daycare and *I sent her a text asking if we could come by. 5 minutes later I didnt get a response and I was already driving by her work so I sent her another text telling her we were there and I didnt get a response again so I checked myself into the school and went to her room. she wasnt in her room* *so I called her and she answered* Now she was answering.Strange..telling me she was next door with the male coworker *alone*, *door locked.* I wasnt angry but NOT happy. I noticed that they did not look me in the eyes when I was talking to them."

Like i said Oh please.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

jfv said:


> The PUA community doesn't always give the best advise to men in relationships. Especially the whole being passive is ALPHA thing is laughable. Alpha is anyting but passive and aloof when it comes to dealing with other males.


 I am not passive when it comes to my wife. If something that she is doing is bugging me I tell her. She is also not passive if she is pissed at me she will tell me. I have an alpha personality. I am also the more dominant in our relationship. Also, just because we allow each other the opportunity to "play" around, when we go out together, that doesn't mean one or the other is a doormat. If one of us is not in the mood, which is usually the case, nothing happens other than a nice romantic night out 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

And once again the conversation with folks centers around concerns over someone having sex which is not the point. But folks like to talk about sex. Maybe out of boredom as much as misunderstanding.

Like I said there have indeed been multiple incidents in the local school where teachers had been found in intimate action in a classroom.

However the concern in the locked classroom for a spouse and a member of the opposite sex is NOT, I repeat is NOT about them having sex in the room.
It is also NOT about them being found to be sending sexually explicit emails or texts. It is NOT about them sending sexually explicit pictures of themselves. People who look just for these things miss the most important aspect of any of this. They think that the damage is centered around these things. 

The foundation for the destruction of the marriage is based on the seemingly innocent bonding between the pair. It is the close friendship that develops. The oxytocin buildup. So many folks look at this and say, I feel paranoid but I do not know why. So they look for the wrong things. It is right in front of their eyes and then they defend what they see as being ok. The reason they feel paranoid is because their gut feeling is that this is not right. Their gut is correct of course. 

Affairs are stopped most effectively BEFORE they begin by having good boundaries. The next best thing is to stop them early BEFORE there are exchanges of the in love feelings. BEFORE the dopamine rush takes over. BEFORE those texts start flying. BEFORE the hugs and so on. Not when someone is riding someone else in a classroom. Get real folks. Again the focus on overt sexual activity is somewhat understandable however naive it is. Surely one should look for those things but that is not what you are really looking for. You are looking for the inappropriate situtaions and the poor boundaries that caused them. Disagree with this at your own risk. At your own choice.

Now all of this aside this thread is less about a closed classroom door and more about the hot wifing spin that goes with the allowing other men to kiss and fondle and who knows what because it was left very vague. The deliberate programming that goes on with the fantasizing with role playing no less about the hot guy she may work with. Yeah that is a good idea. Now that is their choice most certainly but as has been stated earlier this situation is not the most common in a marriage. But indeed hot wifing while he is there is still not private bonding alone with another man. I think the combination of these activities makes this marriage even more vulnerable to an affair and even more of a concern with the wife bonding with another man than others might be. How she actually assimilates his willingness to allow other men to share her in front of her husband is up for question. Only she knows.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BitterSweetGanderSauce said:


> Pardon me if I am missing something. I was following this but have not read all the recent ones.
> 
> OP - Just be glad the Beta Bashers didn't jump on you saying she must be needing a real man! there seem to be trends in how posters behave and it is best to remember they all do so with the best of intentions hopefully.
> 
> ...


If there is smoke in my house I get my butt out of bed and deal with the problem when it is small. I do not wait for a raging fire to get up when it is about egress. If I wait I lose my home and maybe my wife and children and pets and much of what I have worked for my entire life. Kinda like stopping an affair before it destroys everything.

The problem here is not just what is going on in the closed room alone. The problem is that they are in a closed room alone at all. As usual this is not about snooping. It is about boundaries.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> The foundation for the destruction of the marriage is based on the seemingly innocent bonding between the pair. It is the close friendship that develops. The oxytocin buildup. So many folks look at this and say, I feel paranoid but I do not know why. So they look for the wrong things. It is right in front of their eyes and then they defend what they see as being ok. The reason they feel paranoid is because their gut feeling is that this is not right. Their gut is correct of course.
> 
> *Affairs are stopped most effectively BEFORE they begin by having good boundaries. The next best thing is to stop them early BEFORE there are exchanges of the in love feelings. BEFORE the dopamine rush takes over. BEFORE those texts start flying. BEFORE the hugs and so on. Not when someone is riding someone else in a classroom.* Get real folks. Again the focus on overt sexual activity is somewhat understandable however naive it is. Surely one should look for those things but that is not what you are really looking for. You are looking for the inappropriate situtaions and the poor boundaries that caused them. Disagree with this at your own risk. At your own choice.


My sentiments exactly!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Entrophy,

You've hit it out of the park again!

I think the most troubling aspect of this whole thing really isn't about what is or is not happening now. It will be about what happens (and the OP and his wife let happen) in the future.

I also think that unbeknownst to the OP, this slide on the slippery slope has already started


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> If there is smoke in my house I get my butt out of bed and deal with the problem when it is small. I do not wait for a raging fire to get up when it is about egress. If I wait I loose my home and maybe my wife and children and pets and much of what I have worked for my entire life. Kinda like stopping an affair before it destroys everything.
> 
> The problem here is not just what is going on in the closed room alone.  The problem is that they are in a closed room alone at all. As usual this is not about snooping. It is about boundaries.


As you rightly say, the situation needs to be dealt with before it becomes real problem. You need the right balance though. You smell smoke and some of the advice given here is run out of the house and call the fire brigade when all you had to do is turn off the toaster.

A lot of the 'advice' given here IS about exteme levels of snooping and making assumptions that could easily turn someone into an obsessed maniac trying to get to the 'truth' and be very damaging to the marriage.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> As you rightly say, the situation needs to be dealt with before it becomes real problem. You need the right balance though. You smell smoke and some of the advice given here is run out of the house and call the fire brigade when all you had to do is turn off the toaster.
> 
> A lot of the 'advice' given here IS about exteme levels of snooping and making assumptions that could easily turn someone into an obsessed maniac trying to get to the 'truth' and be very damaging to the marriage.


Nice analogy.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Nice analogy.


I believe I have done my due diligence.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BitterSweetGanderSauce said:


> [ My emphasis ]
> 
> Please excuse me Suspicious while I take issue with Entropy.
> 
> ...


Yes indeed she should trust her husbands judgement that he sees something wrong. People in the early stages of bonding devleop tunnel vision. We see this all the time. people joke about people having a work wife and work husband. 

BTW marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by-product. You do not develop trust by having poor boundaries. It is naive and dare I say ambivalent to have blind trust. Partners are in this together. They should look out for one another.

So if he loves her he should care. Check. He Cares.

So if she respects him she should stop. She does not. Lack of proper respect. Check.

We trust our spouse to not put themselves into harms way. We trust our spouse to have better boundaries than this. She is putting herself in harms way. So she has broken trust. Check.

So take issue all you like. Yes please read up on EAs and boundaries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Feelingdown said:


> As you rightly say, the situation needs to be dealt with before it becomes real problem. You need the right balance though. You smell smoke and some of the advice given here is run out of the house and call the fire brigade when all you had to do is turn off the toaster.
> 
> A lot of the 'advice' given here IS about exteme levels of snooping and making assumptions that could easily turn someone into an obsessed maniac trying to get to the 'truth' and be very damaging to the marriage.


I am not a snooper. I do believe in transparency.

He actually has nothing to snoop about right now. She is disrespecting him openly by ignoring his concerns. That to me anyway is disrespect and arguably unfaithful in itself.

You do not have to do a lot of snooping if their is transaprency. Once you play games where spouses are meeting alone then folks want to resort to snooping. Why? Because they did not wisely choose where the boundary should be. If you choose your boundaries wisely you do not need all of the snooping. If you cut off EAs early you do not need all this cloak and dagger. It is waiting too long to turn off that toaster.

But indeed to turn of that poster you have to engage it. You cannot control oher people. He has attempted to engage with her. She is not cooperating. Sooooo. He needs to firmly explain to her that this is no longer acceptable to him and that if she continues to disrespect him he will have to pull the plug.

Now that is drastic, but indeed not respecting your spouse is very drastic. This is not about setting up a visit and her playing nice. The issue is her boundaries with the OSFs. 

Folks make this way too complicated for some reason.

Watching the toaster burn and catch the house on fire is not seeing that indeed one needs to deal with the toaster. In this case the toaster is not being faithful.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I believe I have done my due diligence.


Yes you have. You do not need to be snooping. She needs to do her part. Your role should you decide to accept it is to insist she do her part.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I believe I have done my due diligence.


Good luck suspicious. She said she made a mistake and she agrees one-on-one is inappropriate. If she's sincere in that then it's good news. She tested the marital boundaries and you stood up and said "hey I don't like that" which is the correct thing to do. Time will tell if there's more to it.

I think you had a healthy suspicion though and either 
1: made her understand that what she was doing was not appropriate
>OR<
2: made her go into stealth mode.

I would not be super suspicious but I would definitely keep an eye on how things go between you guys. What you should expect is for her to treat you better in general because you called her out on her behavior.

My opinion by the way is to keep your fantasies as just that. Maybe you guys could handle some soft swinging but it would scare me to find out.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> And once again the conversation with folks centers around concerns over someone having sex which is not the point. But folks like to talk about sex. Maybe out of boredom as much as misunderstanding.
> 
> Like I said there have indeed been multiple incidents in the local school where teachers had been found in intimate action in a classroom.
> 
> ...





> However the concern in the locked classroom for a spouse and a member of the opposite sex is NOT, I repeat is NOT about them having sex in the room.
> It is also NOT about them being found to be sending sexually explicit emails or texts. It is NOT about them sending sexually explicit pictures of themselves. People who look just for these things miss the most important aspect of any of this. They think that the damage is centered around these things.


I completely agree with this statement. If person A, who is in a relationship, is open to the advances of another person C there is nothing person B can do to stop them from bonding.
*My wife has not given me any "unusual" indications that she is "open".*

I look at the closed door incident as her stepping outside of our boundaries or rules. She realizes this and has made it abundantly clear she has.



> Now all of this aside this thread is less about a closed classroom door and more about the hot wifing spin that goes with the allowing other men to kiss and fondle and who knows what because it was left very vague. The deliberate programming that goes on with the fantasizing with role playing no less about the hot guy she may work with. Yeah that is a good idea.


As erotic and thrilling as the Hotwife scenario is we are both not comfortable with it. (and yes we have tried this many years ago with her & I both having "Hall passes"). It took a long time for us to work through issues that arose from it jealousy, guilt,...... This type of activity is IMO very destructive to a relationship. Dont get me wrong we are both (as are many other couples) very turned on by the *FANTASY* of it still to this day. However, we know it should remain only fantasy.



> I think the combination of these activities makes this marriage even more vulnerable to an affair and even more of a concern with the wife bonding with another man than others might be.


I disagree on this. We all have rules (boundaries) in our relationships. Some couples might be okay with one going to strip clubs, others might be okay with GNO, others might have issues with sex toys, masturbation, closed doors with coworkers, swinging, poly, hotwifing,..... Others wont be okay

My wife doesnt like me going to strip clubs. I dont like her doing Girls Night Out (GNO)

Bottom line is it your relationship your rules. You and your SO define your relationship.



> How she actually assimilates his willingness to allow other men to share her in front of her husband is up for question. Only she knows.


I have asked her this and she has asked me this very question. She has said, to me, what we do together is an extension of our bedroom play.
I have said to her it is one of the ways we have fun *together* <----- again keyword there folks.

There has never been an issue of resentment or jealousy when we have been together.

We have also asked each other many times over the years if we should change our boundaries and rules. we have both said NO we are both very happy with what we do and how we live our lives.

When one of us steps outside our boundaries, or does something that the other doesnt like we communicate it. If I want something or she wants something we communicate it.

Our primary focus, in our relationship, is on us and our family.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well suspicious you seem like a pretty sharp guy to me. If you continue to use your reason don't go into denial then you have as good a shot as any of us.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Good luck suspicious. She said she made a mistake and she agrees one-on-one is inappropriate. If she's sincere in that then it's good news. She tested the marital boundaries and you stood up and said "hey I don't like that" which is the correct thing to do. Time will tell if there's more to it.
> 
> I think you had a healthy suspicion though and either
> 1: made her understand that what she was doing was not appropriate
> ...


Thanks for the reply! 
Some fantasies should remain just fantasies. She has told me that sometimes I cloud my fantasies with reality. I agree with her (makes me paranoid LOL).

Her demeanor towards me is not any different. I doubt she will go into stealth mode. The only thing that would make me concerned (wore like WTF is going on!) is if she changed her passwords.

We are beyond soft swinging. :smthumbup:


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Well suspicious you seem like a pretty sharp guy to me. If you continue to use your reason don't go into denial then you have as good a shot as any of us.


My wife is pretty smart as well.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

This is how affairs start.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not that I really want to go down this road again but in relation to this:

"Her demeanor towards me is not any different. I doubt she will go into stealth mode. The only thing that would make me concerned (wore like WTF is going on!) is if she changed her passwords."

What would keep a cheating spouse (again, not saying your spouse) from having a number of yahoo, gmail etc. accounts? Not only wouldn't you know the passwaords, you wouldn't even know about the accounts!


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Not that I really want to go down this road again but in relation to this:
> 
> "Her demeanor towards me is not any different. I doubt she will go into stealth mode. The only thing that would make me concerned (wore like WTF is going on!) is if she changed her passwords."
> 
> What would keep a cheating spouse (again, not saying your spouse) from having a number of yahoo, gmail etc. accounts? Not only wouldn't you know the passwaords, you wouldn't even know about the accounts!


Trust.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Trust.


The trust that comes with boundaries or blind trust?

Knew I shouldn't have gone down this road


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> The trust that comes with boundaries or blind trust?
> 
> Knew I shouldn't have gone down this road


I always believed in trust but verify.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I completely agree with this statement. If person A, who is in a relationship, is open to the advances of another person C there is nothing person B can do to stop them from bonding.
> *My wife has not given me any "unusual" indications that she is "open".*
> 
> I look at the closed door incident as her stepping outside of our boundaries or rules. She realizes this and has made it abundantly clear she has.
> ...


The issue was that she was at least at first spending alone time with this guy. IF she stops this then all is good. All the rest of this is just peripheral drama.

You asked if you were being paranoid and most people thought she was crossing a boundary.

You took action. She says she was wrong and will stop.

Hope this sums it up. So you are now in full married bliss.

Awesome another TAM poster living the dream. Wondermous.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I always believed in trust but verify.


But you've only taken the verification to a low level.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> But you've only taken the verification to a low level.


How do you figure? I have access to her work computer, email, FB, cell phone,..... She is not behaving abnormally. Doesnt appear to be hiding anything.

I think I was just being paranoid.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> How do you figure? I have access to her work computer, email, FB, cell phone,..... She is not behaving abnormally. Doesnt appear to be hiding anything.
> 
> I think I was just being paranoid.


I think you did what you needed to do and I DO NOT think you were being paranoid.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> How do you figure? I have access to her work computer, email, FB, cell phone,..... She is not behaving abnormally. Doesnt appear to be hiding anything.
> 
> I think I was just being paranoid.


You have access to only what you know about.

Again, I really don't wwant to keep going down this road. All is well in your world so don't sweat it!


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