# I want to confront the 3rd party



## mindcrazy (Dec 21, 2015)

I want to confront the 3rd party but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again. So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills. but yet we still share the same bed


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Steps to stop an affair*



mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again. So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills. but yet we still share the same bed


She's bluffing.

Call her bluff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is that you get the following book and read it. It will give you a good, solid plan on how to end the affair and recover your marriage if at all possible.


"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Nuke it!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Why are you afraid of her? The laws of your state will say who gets to see your kids, not her.

You can play that game too. Get a lawyer and tell her to pound sand.


BTW, The state says whether you're married or not, again not her... just saying. 


(I'll never understand what anyone is afraid of losing when everything is already gone or someone is taking it.)


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

ruin what for her?? what are you protecting? 

forget that... I would reach out the 3rd party either way.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Is the 3rd party married or in a relationship?


Start reading here... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

Get an attorney tomorrow! (Make sure she doesn't take the kids)
Do you want to be just roommates? Get the affair in the open! Do her parents/friends know? 
Like Blacksmith said. "Nuke it"!


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Ha ha ha ha ha, that's funny, expose and tell everyone you know, including employers! Who does she think she is anyway!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As far as she's concerned you aren't married so it isn't cheating?

Can you clarify that? Does that mean you aren't indeed legally married? Or she just doesn't -feel- like you are married?

There's a big difference there. If it's the former, I might contact a lawyer before you "Nuke it!" as others are suggesting as whether or not you are legally married might have implications with the children, et al. I know that's true in this state. I'd get that part nailed down before telling the entire world about the affair.

As in the end, if the relationship explodes, I'm guessing that's what's more important.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Naw, don't go buy any books. Don't listen to anyone saying you can fix it, right now. She threatened to take the kids away so, you can't see them. Nope, IMO, that's way below the belt. The minute a woman threatens you with the kids, don't play any games get your rights in hand immediately. Go get an attorney, separate your finances and give her what she wants...a new roommate. You go get a court order that makes her stay in state and gives you continued access to your children.

After you and the kids are protected, then you decide on nuking or working on the marriage and confronting the other man.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Hi. I'm assuming that your children are genetically yours...

We have a good friend, used to be our neighbor. He's the only man I've ever known who was threatened with loosing his children if he didn't "do as he was told!". She was having an inappropriate relationship. He now has complete custody of his kids & she has visitation!

Don't make assumptions when it comes to you & your babies lives. Judges are changing. 

I know this must be a terrible time in your life. I'm so sorry. Find a lawyer to care for you. Best wishes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BrokenLady said:


> Hi. I'm assuming that your children are genetically yours...
> 
> We have a good friend, used to be our neighbor. He's the only man I've ever known who was threatened with loosing his children if he didn't "do as he was told!". She was having an inappropriate relationship. He now has complete custody of his kids & she has visitation!
> 
> ...


Worth repeating!!!!


Your wife is full of shyt so please just let her go and ask her to leave. If she takes the kids then call the cops.

Were is she going to take the kids anyway????

It better be a lot better of a place other then their own beds in their own home for any cop to let some mother taking her kid to.


Excuse me but I can't believe folks still think this way! I mean think about it .....the cops show up, ask her were she is going, she says "I don;t know", and one thinks thats a better place then the kids own bed in their own home?????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to expose this affair...this way when she does run off with the kids everyone will know why and with whom!


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I got my kids and my ex tried to burn me 9 ways to Sunday.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

As one who had been there, confront the POS. Show him you mean business. I had to do same several weeks ago and I had OM's wife present too. I got my point across in a firm fashion and listened to my lawyer and did no bodily harm. That was hard but POSOm was wimpy with his wife and me . Do not take any Shyt


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You can't "nice" her out of this.
Expose and move swiftly.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

mindcrazy;14444306 yet we still share the same bed[/QUOTE said:


> Whatjew mean, "share the same bed"? The way you write it, it sounds like she detest you. Most woman that think of a man as a piece of dog crap ain't going to give it up for him.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party


Do it if you want. You may find it helpful to see what he thinks of all this.



mindcrazy said:


> but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her


She's not the boss of you.

If you talking to her other man 'ruins this' for her, that means she's probably lying to him as well, telling him she's single, her marriage sucks, you're evil, etc, and she doesn't want him to learn the truth that she's married to a decent guy.

And frankly, if she'd rather ruin her marriage than 'this' she deserves whatever fallout happens.



mindcrazy said:


> I will never see her or my kids again.


You never seeing her again sounds like a blessing.

You never seeing the kids is not up to her. If you don't agree to the custody arrangements she proposes, it's up to a judge. If you've been a decent father, they won't be taken from you unless she does something illegal. If that's the case, she's more or less lost them completely herself.



mindcrazy said:


> So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills.


So she got over the marriage a long time ago and considers herself single but didn't tell you? Well, in the eyes of the church, society and law you're still married and it's an affair. But that's just technicalities. The takeaway message is that your marriage is over.



mindcrazy said:


> but yet we still share the same bed


Ugh, kick her out of there. Evict all her stuff into a guest room or the basement. She left the marriage, she also gets to leave the marriage bed.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Friend. The longer you let her steam roll you with her idle threats, the worse it will get. You need to get your act together.

First you need legal help...............big time. Then you expose the affair to everyone and anyone. Family, friends, co workers. Then get your own bank accounts and close out the old credit cards.

Then you let her know that if she has to remain in the house then you split all the costs down the middle. Move her in the guest room or the couch and let her know that she lost her right to share the bedroom with you and if she isn't happy about it then she can go bunk out with her affair partner.

Last thing. Don't let her threaten you with her taking the kids from you. All she will do is hang herself. Your kids know who their father is and unless your some kind of boogie man or molester, the courts will never allow her to take them. Time to buckle up your chin strap and start fighting back but have an attorney to have your back and listen to what he tells you to do.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

In addition to the advice you already received, I'd recommend always carrying a voice recorder on you. If she threatened to take the children from you, then its not a far fetch 
to assume she will fake a domestic violence report to get you out of the house and to have something on record to justify her cheating down the road.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and ignore the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.

Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions: 
1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options, especially about her threats re: the kids.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy IMMEDIATELY and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. Is it possible for you to have a friend or a relative stay over at your place until your or your ww moves out? It would greatly lower the risk of false DV claims. Ask your lawyer what you moving out of the house would mean for you legally etc.?

3. Start documenting your and her care for the kids immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. Talk to a lawyer about this.

4. Set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself.

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her in a moment of your/her weakness, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

6. Confide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support. Have you told any of them yet of her cheating?

7. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all.

8. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it.

9. If you'll ever want to give her another chance, google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first.

10. What was your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them", it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.

11. A divorce would be hard for you and the kids. However, it is much better for the kids to not see you everyday if that means that they won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to their mom's actions. What the kids need to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of their lives emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days they will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get them to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kids.

12. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again.


Don't confront the other man. Seriously, do not.

Tell his wife/GF everything, though.

Tell your wife's family everything, too.

Then talk to a good family law lawyer about what your options are.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Great advise listed for you there!

PLEASE don't leave YOUR home & kids. She wants to be off with another man SHE leaves.

When she's out doing whatever she's doing have fun with your kids! (Taking lots of photographs & sending them to your Mum, Sibling etc can be good 'evidence' too) Mostly, just try to support & enjoy your new little family.


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Grow a pair and get what is yours. The only way you lose is if you don't fight. You have rights. lawyer up and go on the offensive


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So basically she is telling you that she cares more about him then you...nice huh, she is playing you trying to stay in control, it is time to take back the reigns, in the end whether your marriage survives or not, she should not be trying to control your actions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mindcrazy, how's it going?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You don't need to confront or even talk to the OM; just expose him to his wife or SO.

Seems your wife doesn't give a crap about you and is all but daring you to divorce her. Being a doormat to her is no way to live your life. Dump her. She's doing you a favor if you don't see her again.

Let your lawyer handle the custody. She can't keep you from seeing your children.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party but my *wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again*. So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills. but yet we still share the same bed


as far as never seeing her again that might be a blessing an not much of a threat. as far as seeing your kids, that's not up to her.
that's up to a divorce court.

she may fight you hard, but you'll have to assume she'll do that anyway.

blow it up.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Why did you let your wife walk all over you ? Do you have any respect for yourself my friend ? 

Kick her out of your life,she is not worth it.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again. So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills. but yet we still share the same bed




She cannot just take your kids. She will be arrested and put in jail if she tries shenanigans like that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again. So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills. but yet we still share the same bed


*Sounds like an idle threat on her part, more especially after she's been caught or openly admitted to "having been caught with her hand in the OM's proverbial cookie jar!"

Hopefully, you've got that "statement" of hers either in written or recorded form. If so, the family court judge will absolutely lather upon hearing or seeing that idle threat of hers! 

She cannot keep your kids from you! Get your a$$ to a good family attorney pronto and get a restraining order that keeps her from taking the kids out of town except for express permission of the Court!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

sparrow555 said:


> She cannot just take your kids. She will be arrested and put in jail if she tries shenanigans like that.


I had this argument in another thread. You are wrong and it's why I told the one post wonder to go immediately to court and protect his rights.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
what do you hope to gain by confronting him? Can you do it without committing assault - it would be really sad to wind up in prison while he is with your wife, even if he does have a broken nose. 

If you confront him, he will likely something that will enrage you..more. 




mindcrazy said:


> I want to confront the 3rd party but my wife has told me if I do anything to ruing this for her I will never see her or my kids again. So how should I go about it, she tells me that she has no more feeling for me so this is not an affair because as far as she concern where not married and more or a couple were just friends sharing a house and bills. but yet we still share the same bed


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

And what will you say to this third party OM

:*Will you please stop screwing my wife?"""*

He is MEANINGLESS. Your wife is your only problem.!

She is basically telling you that unless you sit there in the open marriage she has created for you that she will show you all sorts of consequences. THAT IS ASS BACKWARDS!! She is the one who gets the consequences.

You already have the advice. 
(1) find out who this OM is if you do not already know
(2) tell his wife and DO NOT TELL YOIUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING IT OR WHEN
(3) see an attorney and have divorce papers prepared for her

One of two things will happen. She will prove to you she means what she has said. Legally she cannot threaten you or follow through with most of it. Or, her OM if he is married will be spending more time trying to save his own ass that he will not be as interested in your wife and if that happens her tune may change.

If you do nothing, you will remain as her babysitter or househusband or means of support while she lives the single life.

But whatever you do stay away from the OM. He cares nothing about you or your problems or your family life. He just wants to get laid.

If you confront him a number of things can happen
(1) you beat the **** out of him. You feel great until the police or law suit arrives
(2) he beats the **** out of you and you still get the police and the lawsuit for starting it
(3) he laughs in your face, tells you some nasty stuff about your wife and him
(4) he apologizes and they take it further underground
(5) he is such a great guy he breaks it off with your wife.

You have as much chance of #5 happening as you do of getting hit by lightning. The other 4 ain't so great for you.

Lower the boom on your wife and stop letting her bully you.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I had this argument in another thread. You are wrong and it's why I told the one post wonder to go immediately to court and protect his rights.


True.. I mixed this up with International abduction scenario. You should share that information if you can.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'll find the post, but it is basically up in the air. If you are married, either parent can go on a "visit" without informing the other parent. Many people believe parents have to inform each other of every move they make with the kid(s) and they do not. What's scary is, when I was a single father I had more protection than I did with the kids I had with my wife. It's how many women, it is gender specific right now, leave and file in other states. It is called a non-emergency in many jurisdictions. Try calling the cops yourself and they will tell you they won't get involved unless there is a court order.


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## jigga114 (Mar 15, 2015)

Drop the bomb partner.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I know how you feel because I had two girlfriends cheat on me. I never cared about the other guy. He is not the one who is cheating on me. What am I going to tell him; that my wife finds him to be a better man than me so stop seeing her? If I hit him, I go to jail and then he has my wife all to himself for a few days. After that comes the civil suit and that guy will be in my life long after my wife leaves.

Husbands are funny in that they blame the other guy as if he forced their wives to cheat. Expecting a man to turn down a sure thing because she is married, it not realistic because most men will have sex with married women. I have seen it happen a lot.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

See a lawyer immediately. Seperate any joint bank accounts. Hit her hard and fast. She has no respect for you whilst you are allowing her foul behavour to flourish


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