# Buyers remorse. The 11th hour reconciliation attempt



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Hey everyone, 

Ok I have to tell this story to get it off my chest. I just wondered what everyone out there thinks about this one. 

Here's my original story for those of you who don't remember
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59059-did-i-go-about-all-wrong.html

Any way here is the update of the last few months. So I did the 180(for me, not to get her back). Filed for divorce. Put the house up for sale. Moving to a condo. Started dating. She moved to a condo. Split the dogs. yada yada yada.

So everything was going along great. I felt much better about myself. Started being a human being after being cheated on multiple times. The future only looked better without her and her manipulation out of my life. Well it turns out that I guess she is like the creature you think is dead at the end of the movie who comes back for one more scream. So I had everything set up for my move(she already had moved out). I get a call from my lawyer telling me that she received a cease and desist from my ex's lawyer on moving telling me "anything removed from the house will be considered stolen property". So I ate the deposit on the truck and apologized to my friends and family. Still stuck at the partially empty house. I get a teary call from the ex telling me that we need to meet. I agree and she is at the house before that night(agreed for following day).

She looks haggard. She has lost 20 pounds. Dark circles under her eyes, and looks like she aged 10 years. So in conversation I discover that the OM has cut her to the curb. Her friends and family have all discovered the divorce and her infidelity. Her family are at odds with her(they all liked me), and her OM coworker will not even talk to her when they need to work with each other(he is looking for a new job). She is begging for me to take her back. She will go to joint therapy. She will take the house off the market. She will stop the divorce. She will bring rain to the desert and peace to the middle east. Every point I told her 6 months ago are miraculously being spit back at me and agreed upon. Mind you I have been paying for a 500$ an hour lawyer for all this BS and signed on to a 1 year lease at the condo which has been sitting empty and I am paying for. 

So I checked out officially months ago. However, it is tearing me apart that the woman I would have done anything for is saying every thing I wanted to hear 6 months ago after tens of thousands of dollars and a pending house sale. Part of me wants to go back to her and have the life I had built up in my head for me living in the future, but I know that the only reason why she even offering these things is because her boy toy up and vanished like a fart. Has anyone else been through this. In the midst of the divorce, very close to the end, the other person having a complete change of heart and trying their damnest to keep you and the marriage? She has self admittedly put my move on the hold to keep me from going. She keeps popping up at the house and has to "sleep over" in the only bed left in the house with me. She has tried kissing and holding me numerous times. She breaks down in uncontrollable tears at the drop of a hat. I came home to her the other night(she wasn't supposed to be there) sitting over pictures and all the cards I have given her over the years just sobbing. She keeps trying to hug me, and it is tearing me apart inside to see her like this. I won't say she is suicidal, but I feel that if I put the full court press on her with the lawyer to be able to move, she may just do that. Any words of wisdom or encouragement are much appreciated.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

RG...re-read but one part of your own thread, my friend.

"So in conversation I discover that the OM has cut her to the curb."

Answer your own question.



EDIT to add: You did the 180 successfully. My advice is to continue it. She lost. She knows it. And she is preying on your good graces.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't be held hostage. You are Plan B. Move on.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

Some people just need to hit rock bottom before they realize what they have done

Now if you want to R you can, it will obviously be on your terms, but you can also find another woman who hasn't done everything she did to you


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She hasnt quite hit rock bottom. Right now, she thinks you are still her plan B and wont continue the divorce. Her rescuer. I have been where you are. I wish to God, I didnt try R. Wasted 7 years, and even more money. If she wants to get back with you so badly, why not divorce? Given everything she has put you through, dont you deserve it? Then after, you can date each other while on even ground. If you accept her back now, there is a very very good chance, in time, you will be in the same place again. Feeling worse. Because you will have given up all of progress you have made. You! make those kind of decisions now. Not her. Dont let her play on you this way, 6 months ago, she didnt care about how you felt. Remember the pain? Remember how you felt then.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

You need to get over your savior complex dude. I realize it's hard to watch a girl cry. I realize that. But you gotta understand that she's able to turn those tears on at will. She knows how to push your buttons. She knows you'll want to "Save Her" from the big bad world. For once be a man and follow through on what you threatened. A million times now you've drawn a line in the sand saying "If you cross this line it's over" and then when she spits in your face and crosses it you draw another line and say "Alright, this is your last chance, if you cross this line, it's really really over."

She knew what she was doing. I'm sorry that the 25 year old man decided to dump her. I really am. But IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Move out onto a buddies couch if you have to, just get away from her, block her number and have everything handled through lawyers. I'm the same as you, I can't stand watching someone I love cry. So the only solution is to make sure you're not around to see it.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's up to you, but personally I'd be too far gone. She made it clear you are the second choice and she only wants you back because Plan A didn't work out. 

I'd buy a cot sleep in the condo, and finish the D.

If she wants you back so bad she can earn you back in the dating scene. Don't agree to an exclusive relationship. It should take her years to win you back if ever.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

toonaive said:


> She hasnt quite hit rock bottom. Right now, she thinks you are still her plan B and wont continue the divorce. Her rescuer. I have been where you are. I wish to God, I didnt try R. Wasted 7 years, and even more money. If she wants to get back with you so badly, why not divorce? Given everything she has put you through, dont you deserve it? Then after, you can date each other while on even ground. If you accept her back now, there is a very very good chance, in time, you will be in the same place again. Feeling worse. Because you will have given up all of progress you have made. You! make those kind of decisions now. Not her. Dont let her play on you this way, 6 months ago, she didnt care about how you felt. Remember the pain? Remember how you felt then.


I know that feeling all to well. She even brought up the fact that if we remain in the marriage she is willing to sign a post nuptial of my own drafting regardless of what is in it. So if she gets caught cheating again. I get it all and she has to pay for it. Question is am I betraying myself and selling my soul if I believe her and take her back??


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> I know that feeling all to well. She even brought up the fact that if we remain in the marriage she is willing to sign a post nuptial of my own drafting regardless of what is in it. So if she gets caught cheating again. I get it all and she has to pay for it. Question is am I betraying myself and selling my soul if I believe her and take her back??


I hate to say it, but yes. You would be selling your soul.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

RaisedGarden, 

I am BEGGING YOU not to even think of R with this person ! 

YOU WON !! You've done everything right. You've moved on with your life. PLEASE STAY MOVED ON !!

If she won't stay out of the house, then move yourself to the Condo. She cannot stop you from doing that. I don't care if you have to go there with nothing from the house yet. All the crap will work itself out through the courts.

SUICIDAL ?? Not your F-ing problem anymore my friend ! BTW, if you had been suicidal when she was cheating on you, do you think she would have given a crap ??

STOP BEING AROUND HER !! Again, if she keeps coming to the house, go to your condo, and if she comes there, call the police !


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Looking back at your previous posts, I note that she cheated on you before marriage. You forgave. She then cheated on you again with a different man during marriage.

She's a repeat offender. And the way she treated you all along was uncalled for and cruel. 

Some women can turn on the tears. It works on some men. Looks like it's starting to work on you.

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I suggest you proceed with the divorce. If after the divorce, you cant find another woman better than her, then keep her around as plan B.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I want to add that she watched you cry. How did she handle that? You really want to think on these things. R is really hard. You have to be able to let the person that hurt you heal you. All of these nasty thoughts will be deeply entrenched in you. Is she able to heal the damage she's done? Will she even try? Will you be able to let her?

You can always put the D on hold and go no contact for 30 days to think about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Continue with the divorce. But there's no law that says you can't date her and marry her again.

The year-long lease might be a good break for you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> I Question is am I betraying myself and selling my soul if I believe her and take her back??


YES... YES.. AND YES.... and she will cheat on you again, and again as soon as she gets a chance.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I really think at this point you need to complete the D. You can date after that, and use the dating to test if she's even able to be faithful.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Is her sadness due to the fact that she realizes what she did and hates herself for what she put you through or is she grieving the loss of her OM????


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

karole said:


> Is her sadness due to the fact that she realizes what she did and hates herself for what she put you through or is she grieving the loss of her OM????


That's the dilemma. How much of the "I ruined everything", "I was so stupid", "Everything was perfect and I F**ked it up" her crying about the loss of me, or her boy toy. I have never heard her say glowing things in our 14 years about our relationship and friendship until now. She goes on and on about how we were the best of friends and she lost sight of that. That what really matters in the end is the friendship and not the "spark". I told her point blank she never bothered to work on the spark, and she started to sob. She keeps saying that she is broken and asks what is wrong with her. I am starting to think she really is broken for her to keep doing this over and over. I guess I am broken too by having let her come back all those times in the past.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It's the dance RG. It's a comfortable dance because you know all of the steps.

Turn off the f'ng music, my friend.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> She has always been a cold person, but I have never known her to be so heartless and amotional towards me.





RaisedGarden said:


> I was hoping that she would see the error in her ways, but from what I have gleemed from the site is that once a cheater always a cheater, and regardless if the truth landed on her face and did a dance, she's too self absorbed into her own happiness to care about mine. Maybe what I really needed was a slap on the face to get me back to reality. It's gonna suck, but hey in a year I should have this behind me.


From first thread, from your own posts early on. This is how you described her, and what you are talking about taking back. Is this really what you think you deserve?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Only you can answer that last question. Ive been through a failed R. I know what that feels like. My X offered me a post nup. I turned it down. Foolish probably. But, I really did love her. 

A post nuptial will need to be drafted by an attorney. It still needs to be legal and stand up in court against possible challange. If you go this route, make sure there is a non duress clause. So, she cant back out of it later. But, financial circumstances can change, so be very clear what it covers, and what you want it to accomplish. Six months ago she was in control. Now, you are(or she wants you to think you are) Be very deliberate in your actions, logical in your decisions. Your emotions are still damaged. If you havent re read your original story, now might be a good time to do so.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If you take her back it will happen again. Because she knows she can do whatever you want and you will still take her back. It has happened too many times.

This time you have moved on. You need to continue. Do the divorce, sell the house, move into your condo. 

This is the only way that you could ever live with her again. She needs to know that you won't tolerate her cheating. She will hate it, but she will respect it. 

Once you are divorced and living on your own, maybe you will chose to date her. I am guessing not, but you could.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Nothings she's telling and doing now is about you, the same way nothing she told/did during the latest years, specially the latest 6-7 months was about you either.

Remember the pseudonym in that - since 2004 - long term affair?
Remember the flaunting latest young OM, the blaming you for OM ending it the first time only to find out it was false R after thanksgiving fiasco?
Remember the cruelty, the complete disdain at MC, at home for ages? Remember the violence, the - literally - spitting in your face.
Remember how she used you to get a carreer and the entitlement she displayed later once she started doing money, beliting you for it.
Remember she's literally uncapable ot taking onwership.
Remember her bully, control freak and manipulative nature (even know she admits she's having you hostage in that house).
Remember how she told you it was OK (and IC agreed to it) to keep cheating as she needed a friend only to acuse you of losing your mind?
Remember....

Your STBXW is probably one of the worse cases I've ever read here.

She's a narcisissitic a$$hole,completely void of empathy, just happens she lost gambling. All about her. There's absolutely no chance for her to change. No amount of IC will help her even a little. She's the proud owner of a personality disorder/mix of them, no doubt about it.

What you experienced for years and years is who she is, not something she did. Can you imagine having kids with this woman?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

RaisedGarden said:


> She goes on and on about how *we were the best of friends* and she lost sight of that. That what really matters in the end is the *friendship *and not the "spark". I told her point blank she never bothered to work on the spark, and she started to sob.


There you go. She wants to be your friend, not your lover or wife. There never was the 'spark', the love.

She want you to be her friend.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RaisedGarden said:


> So I had everything set up for my move(she already had moved out). *I get a call from my lawyer telling me that she received a cease and desist from my ex's lawyer on moving telling me "anything removed from the house will be considered stolen property"*. So I ate the deposit on the truck and apologized to my friends and family. Still stuck at the partially empty house. I get a teary call from the ex telling me that we need to meet. I agree and she is at the house before that night(agreed for following day).


This is what you're paying your lawyer $500 an hour for? Your lawyer should have told you that "ceast and desist" from her lawyer is NOT worth the paper that its written on. In the majority of states, any property of the marriage is joint property, meaning you both have equal rights to them. Unless the property is divided up on a court document signed by a judge, you can do anything you want with it. The police will NOT even respond or take a report on a situation like this because this is a civil matter and no property is stolen.

I can't believe your lawyer rolled over like that. Fire her and get a bulldog lawyer. Lawyers can draft up any kind of paper they want, it doesn't have the force of law. I once had a woman scream at me because she wanted us to go over to her ex husbands house and get the kid back. There was no custody agreement signed by a judge. She said "But I have a notarized order from my lawyer saying I can have the kids!" We told her, "Ma'am, that is not worth the paper it's written on. Only a judge can determine custody issues, not your lawyer". The same goes for property. Unless it's in a separation/divorce agreement signed by a judge, both have rights to it.

As for your WW. As others have said, continue with the divorce. If you're meant to be together, you can re-marry her IF she wins you back. But she now has to compete with other women for your love. Tell her if she truly loves you and is remorseful, to give you the divorce and you may give her a chance to win you back.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

"FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, YOU ARE FREE AT LAST"...please move on...she IS who she is...you have changed for the better...stick with your new life...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Nothings she's telling and doing now is about you, the same way nothing she told/did during the latest years, specially the latest 6-7 months was about you either.
> 
> Remember the pseudonym in that - since 2004 - long term affair?
> Remember the flaunting latest young OM, the blaming you for OM ending it the first time only to find out it was false R after thanksgiving fiasco?
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

RG, look at two GLARING things here.

1. She lost sight of the friendship to focus on the spark (ie her boy toy). Where was her spark to you, and where is it now. She's saying that she put passion in front of stability and it was a mistake. What I'd need to hear from my WW would be, I mistakenly directed my passions somewhere else. 

2. One of your big issues is her manipulations. Well how did she go about bringing these conversations into play. By manipulating the divorce. IE she's still the same person, it's just what ends she's trying to accomplish. In other words, lets assume you R with her and your marriage hits a rough spot again, which it will, all marriages do, what will she do then....manipulate. It's her MO.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Your STBXW is probably one of the worse cases I've ever read here.


I agree. One of the worst.

She controls you pretty easily from what I can tell. Her bf dumps her and she suddenly comes to Jesus about what? your entire marriage, it seems.

You drank the kool-aid for a long time, RG, and then had a small window of sanity in which you were living your life for you and not letting her control it.

She gets her lawyer to stop you from moving? WTH? Move into your condo or a hotel or sleep in your car. Leave the house. Has HER lawyer put you in lockdown in the house? Are you wearing an ankle monitor? Leg shackles? 

Continue the 180 and claim your life. You'll be very sorry if you don't. I'm sure of that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You know, RG, your stbxw (?) has really treated you with contempt. There are times here where I wish I could snap my fingers, erase the anonymity, gather a posse, and kidnap an OP to save him from himself.

Please come to your senses. Please.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The post nup may not be worth the paper it is written. I would do a little research on this subject. My attorney last year told me they can be over turned. 

I have been through false R big time and it suc*s the big one. 

I am giving it another try because my wife does seem to have changed but it is always a crap shoot.

I like the option of following through with D and if she is sincere she can always try to win you back.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

RG, gather your personal items and move to the condo. Let the WW rot in that house. There is not a damn thing her lawyer can do to keep you in that house. 

Then when you get to the condo have your worthless lawyer file a restraining order against your WW so that if she comes near you or the condo she gets arrested. 

I read your original posts, and this woman is a soulless ghoul. 
She does not care one whit about you or what she did to you. 

If her boytoy called her up right now and asked her to come back, she would be out the door so fast, newspapers would be swooshing around in the air.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> Any words of wisdom or encouragement are much appreciated.


You asked for words of wisdom. How about some from the person that would know best; you:

*I married someone so vile that I can not wrap my head around how wrong I was in choosing this woman to be my wife. Then again hindsight is 20/20 so live and learn.*

I just re-read your original thread that included that statement, and all I can suggest is this; if you would even consider R with this woman, you need to get into some intensive counseling or therapy to find out why.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> RG...re-read but one part of your own thread, my friend.
> 
> "So in conversation I discover that the OM has cut her to the curb."
> 
> ...


Nailed it.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

badmemory said:


> You asked for words of wisdom. How about some from the person that would know best; you:
> 
> *I married someone so vile that I can not wrap my head around how wrong I was in choosing this woman to be my wife. Then again hindsight is 20/20 so live and learn.*
> 
> I just re-read your original thread that included that statement, and all I can suggest is this; if you would even consider R with this woman, you need to get into some intensive counseling or therapy to find out why.


This. A thousand times this.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

RG,

I could sing the song with the rest of this choir. Don't look back! Time for you to fly!

You feel pity, but that is NOT why you should be married to someone. Pity is ok. Recognize it for what it is. Let her get it from someone else.

I didn't take the time to re-read your orginal thread, but I do remember some of the main issues.

My meager advice as a BH that has been through it, is to move ahead!!! It will get better!!! She needs to go through the loss in order to heal from her sense of entitlement.

Depending on where your head is, there is something to be said about looking out to see what other options you might have.

Everytime you miss her, take a few minutes and go to a dating web-site and just look. Look. Look some more. 

There are so MANY other choices. NONE have betrayed you. When you are ready, find some decent women that you can date. The effect should make you realize that YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER!!!


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Your ego is being massively massaged right now. 

Isn't this the ultimate scenario all betrayed wish for? The partner comes back to them after realizing what a horrible mistake they made, begging, crying, clinging.

This is your moment of ultimate karma, isn't it. Cheated before marriage, cheated after marriage..left you. You know she cheats..all this best friend nonsense, pictures on the floor..it's a set up. All the times she was cheating where were you in her thoughts? Her best friend? Emotional manipulation to me is the worst. Only a truly heartless bastard would turn that away. But you must ask yourself this, after all the progress you made in your life, to allow this poison back, for what? Love has absolutely nothing to do with anything here, certainly not a nurturing love that will grow with time on the foundations of trust and respect. Your foundations are absolutely shattered because you know it will only be a matter of time before her eye wanders again.

Get a divorce, that way if she still truly loves you she will do what it takes to build this relationship from the ground up again, if this is what you want. But please, don't buy into this bull. You've come too far to get dragged down into the mire again.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

The fact that this soulless woman would use the system to try to hold him hostage tells the OP and all of us everything we need to know about her true intentions. 

Control. 

Control is her agenda here. She controlled him during their marriage, she controlled him during her affair and false R, and now she is trying to grab back control after being dumped by Mr. Goodbar. 

Control, control, control... 

That is the neme of the game here. 

RG needs to get the hell out of there and not go back.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Your ego is being massively massaged right now.
> 
> Isn't this the ultimate scenario all betrayed wish for? The partner comes back to them after realizing what a horrible mistake they made, begging, crying, clinging.
> 
> ...


Couldnt agree more.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Finish the legal divorce, and if she wants to "date" that's fine. 

Like many WS though I think she'll find life after divorce unpleasant to say the least. Until she changes she's doomed to repeat this cycle forever. Maybe the next guy is a "nice" guy like you, but if he isn't? look out. She'll be trapped in a pattern with an SOB. 

Like many BS, from what i've read find life quite pleasant after divorce. A betrayed spouse is forced into change. They have no choice. And so I think they end up single in a better position over time than a WS.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

To beg her husband's forgiveness while her lawyer holds a knife to his throat is beyond disgusting.

It just enfuriates me reading this stuff.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You are PLAN B to her! She will phuck you over the NEXT CHANCE she gets and not even blink her eye. Eject, Eject, Eject!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

"To Serve Man" It's a cookbook!!!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

awake1 said:


> Finish the legal divorce, and if she wants to "date" that's fine.


I would go through with the divorce, then tell her that one year after, she should call you to set up a meeting. In the meantime, you work on you and she works on herself. At that meeting, she can tell you what she has learned about herself and try to convince you to date her again. This gives her time to prove herself, but most importantly you time to detox from her and this situation.

By the way, my money is on her never calling you.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would go through with the divorce, then tell her that one year after, she should call you to set up a meeting. In the meantime, you work on you and she works on herself. At that meeting, she can tell you what she has learned about herself and try to convince you to date her again. This gives her time to prove herself, but most importantly you time to detox from her and this situation.
> 
> By the way, my money is on her never calling you.


Yea I agree with that. She'll latch on to the next enabler to come along. 

But she'll say "oh no baby i will do ANYTHING to save this marriage. I swear it on kittens and bibles! I will wait for you FOREVER! And hey, even if you weren't around I still wouldn't talk to that other man. it was a mistake and im sorry...baby." (LOL! hindsight is 20/20, who knew it was hilarious too.) 


Many female cheaters are addicted to abusing nice guys.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

awake1 said:


> Yea I agree with that. She'll latch on to the next enabler to come along.
> 
> But she'll say "oh no baby i will do ANYTHING to save this marriage. I swear it on kittens and bibles! I will wait for you FOREVER! And hey, even if you weren't around I still wouldn't talk to that other man. it was a mistake and im sorry...baby." (LOL! hindsight is 20/20, who knew it was hilarious too.)
> 
> ...


Yep. Its all about control.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

awake1 said:


> Yea I agree with that. She'll latch on to the next enabler to come along.
> 
> But she'll say "oh no baby i will do ANYTHING to save this marriage. I swear it on kittens and bibles! I will wait for you FOREVER! And hey, even if you weren't around I still wouldn't talk to that other man. it was a mistake and im sorry...baby." (LOL! hindsight is 20/20, who knew it was hilarious too.)


I think this is likely as well. But giving that one year of space gets him away from her, allows him not to have to cut off all hope (because I don't get the sense that he could do that right now), and also allows a real opportunity for her to show that she is changing.



> Many female cheaters are addicted to abusing nice guys.


I tend to agree that she will grab onto someone else, because it will be easier.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

RG
, I just read your story: Wow, I have read many tales of WS here on TAM for the past year. and I would have to agree with the majority of your friends here. There is NO WAY for her to even have made the smallest of changes. And by holding your progress hostage to get what she wants. There is only unending sorrow and pain in trying to make something out of nothing. Move on: I know her tears touch your heart but you do not touch hers.

Please my Brother do not go weak now , Stay strong

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri Lyrics - YouTube


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

So this turns out to be a hiccup in the 180. I feel sorry for her and so I get talked into going over the inlaws for thanksgiving. Sat there and ate turkey, and bam like a lightening bolt out of the blue her mother and father lay into her like a fox on a hen. "How dare you disrespect us by treating your husband this way", "What kind of child did I raise to go and do this". Had my wife in tears and we had to leave the house. On the way home she just sat there sobbing and rocking like a child. Now I'm really feeling sorry for her. I get home and try to console her, but she starts to yell at me "How could I do this do her? How could you tell my parents about this.....". I remove myself from the fray and hide in my small corner of the house. I take the computer and go to do some surfing. Ooops. She left the email up on the computer. There right in front of me is a recounting of what just happened to the OM, and at the end a "I miss you so much more than ever. I need a extra big hug when I see you at work xxxooo". So with that any remorse I thought she had. Any pity I had for her vanished in a instant. So hard 180 again and divorce attorneys are still on. God damned manipulators.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I see a potential bunny boiler situation with this woman. Tell her you will go through with the divorce and then start dating again if she shows you the promised changes. I would imagine she wouldn't be pretending for that long.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

The path of least resistance is the one she will take. She will latch onto some poor unsuspecting rich slob and suck him dry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Does a postnup prevent her from treating you like garbage again?

Does a postnup prevent her from becoming a cold hard woman again?

Does a postnup prevent her from withholding sex from you, abusing you mentally, physically, spiritually?

Tell her that for all she has done this marriage is over. Tell her that a divorce is the only way this marriage ends. Tell her if she wants to try to win you back after the divorce is finalized then you will be receptive. Even if you want to believe that it is you that she is now attracted to and not the loss of her lover the reason for her wanting to reconcile why would you give up the qualities that you have developed in order to take her back? If she wants you for you it is because you have moved on and now give off a more confident independent vibe. If you take her back you lose that. Then where will you be?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should reschedule the moving truck and move.

You should also consider firing your lawyer who didn't rise to the occasion and provide you with guidance to laugh at the stupid letter from the lawyer.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

RG

Your wife is a repeat offender in many ways.

Take your time. You owe her no decision right now.

Continue to detach.

And whatever decision you make do what is best for you.

You owe it to yourself.

HM


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You should reschedule the moving truck and move.
> 
> You should also consider firing your lawyer who didn't rise to the occasion and provide you with guidance to laugh at the stupid letter from the lawyer.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

IKR? Any divorce lawyer worth their salt would have laughed off that letter from the other side because it carries no weight at all, none whatsoever. To think he's paying 500 bucks an hour. I think this worthless lawyer is just trying to milk him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hell I wouldn't even date her after the divorce


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

RG seriously?? 

In your case, i view a post nup as you selling out. You are willing to trade more misery for a possibly better future settlement. 

Where would you be if OM had not thrown her under the bus? Where will you be in the future if he gets an itch and wants her to scratch it again? 

Do you really think she has changed? Her situation changed OM dumped her, family is upset with her. But has she changed? If yes, how?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Im pretty sure i could not date mine either. Granted mine has not hit reality yet, but i cant imagine going back into dealing with her again....i would much prefer a fresh start.

How long with her "new feelings" about you last...6 months...a year? Then you are right back were you started.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> How long with her "new feelings" about you last...6 months...a year? Then you are right back were you started.


There are many men who fall for the crocodile tears, there are a few other examples in this forum. It usually follows this pattern:


WW pretends to be remorseful for a little while
WW soon begins to complain about being being transparent
WW begins to complain that BH is not getting over it already after a few weeks or months
All promises to do anything to save the marriage are broken. The WW refuses to do the heavy lifting
Either OM or WW starts fishing for renewed contact
The affair restarts, goes further underground, or WW starts a new affair
BH is back to square one within a few weeks, months, or a year or two


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> There are many men who fall for the crocodile tears, there are a few other examples in this forum. It usually follows this pattern:
> 
> 
> WW pretends to be remorseful for a little while
> ...


All the while, i would suppose you are SUPER suspicious about her activities, her friends, here whereabouts...just like your relationship at or near the end....no thanks...been there done that..and dont wish it on anyone..much less signing myself up for it...ugghh


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> There are many men who fall for the crocodile tears, there are a few other examples in this forum. It usually follows this pattern:
> 
> 
> WW pretends to be remorseful for a little while
> ...


This was the pattern of my R. 7 years later, im divorcing her, she had her chance(s). Learn from my poor judgement at the time. Do not even think about wasting anymore time with her. Like I suggested before, any time you start to feel sorry for her, re read your original story thread. by doing so, it will realign your proper line of thinking.


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Yeah. I find it laughable that she has waited till now to throw the hail marry on the marriage. As so many posters wrote, it is all about control with her. I guess it finally dawned on her she no longer controls me. Well I guess she still can control me with the tears a little, but I'm not biting in the big picture. It's funny how predictable this all was going to play out, yet when your in the middle of it with someone praying on all of your emotions and telling you everything you want to hear, it's not so easy to turn a blind eye on it. She also just threw out there a week vacation at an exclusive resort to try to finish the deal with me at the end of the month. When I said no, I could see the gears in her head not computing. Thank you all of you telling me what was blatantly obvious to the rest of you, that took a little longer to sink in with me. You all are great and thank you for all you help through my walk through the valley of shadow. Again thanks.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Congrats, RG. You just upped your man card as a lifetime member!!

And I'm not even f'ng kidding. That was good sh-t.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> Yeah. I find it laughable that she has waited till now to throw the hail marry on the marriage. As so many posters wrote, it is all about control with her. I guess it finally dawned on her she no longer controls me. Well I guess she still can control me with the tears a little, but I'm not biting in the big picture. It's funny how predictable this all was going to play out, yet when your in the middle of it with someone praying on all of your emotions and telling you everything you want to hear, it's not so easy to turn a blind eye on it. She also just threw out there a week vacation at an exclusive resort to try to finish the deal with me at the end of the month. When I said no, I could see the gears in her head not computing. Thank you all of you telling me what was blatantly obvious to the rest of you, that took a little longer to sink in with me. You all are great and thank you for all you help through my walk through the valley of shadow. Again thanks.


Its alot easier on the outside looking in. I may someday be in the same situation and will need to post on TAM to gain strength.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> Yeah. I find it laughable that she has waited till now to throw the hail marry on the marriage. As so many posters wrote, it is all about control with her. I guess it finally dawned on her she no longer controls me. Well I guess she still can control me with the tears a little, but I'm not biting in the big picture. It's funny how predictable this all was going to play out, yet when your in the middle of it with someone praying on all of your emotions and telling you everything you want to hear, it's not so easy to turn a blind eye on it. She also just threw out there a week vacation at an exclusive resort to try to finish the deal with me at the end of the month. When I said no, I could see the gears in her head not computing. Thank you all of you telling me what was blatantly obvious to the rest of you, that took a little longer to sink in with me. You all are great and thank you for all you help through my walk through the valley of shadow. Again thanks.


Congratulation, now we can dedicate this song to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HSj-2shbqY
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

So are you moving to the condo? Is she moving into the house? Did your lawyer ever tell here to take the C&D order and shove it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The reason the overwhelming majority of people post here are because they want to save their marriage. They love their cheating spouses, even though the cheaters seem to have moved on.

If you still have any feelings for your wife, if you have kids, I think it is worthwhile for you to try to reconcile AFTER you divorce.

Yes, get divorced, then tell your wife you will date her afterward, possibly re-marry her, but if you do, there will be a pre-nup the next time around.

I am guessing your soon-to-be-ex does not love you enough to go this route.

I also would guess that, once you agree to her plan to reconcile, once she and you are back in the house, once the divorced is called off, the other man (or a different other man) will return, things will revert back to how they were.

From what you posted, your wife did not have a moment of clarity where she saw clearly what she was losing and couldn't bear the thought of it. Rather, what appears to have happened is that her circumstances took a drastic turn for the worse, other man dumped her, family is not supporting her, and she needs you back because she has nowhere else to go, not because she really loves you. My outlook would be quite different if you had posted that other man continues to pursue your wife but she decided that she didn't love other man, only you. Sadly, that is not how it happened.

So offer her the divorce with chance to date afterward and then possibly get re-married with a pre-nup. If she truly loved you, if she thought you were her soulmate, she would jump at the chance.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> The reason the overwhelming majority of people post here are because they want to save their marriage. They love their cheating spouses, even though the cheaters seem to have moved on.
> 
> If you still have any feelings for your wife, if you have kids, I think it is worthwhile for you to try to reconcile AFTER you divorce.
> 
> ...


I would certainly agree that if she TRULY wants back and thinks she made a huge mistake, she would move heaven and earth to fix it...if not, prob just going through the motions.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

How's it going RG?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

So many posters saying don't do it! So many putting their point in because it was such a disaster on such a huge magnitude on the brink of happening. 

And I was so glad to see your post to say you didn't. Well done! 

I agree, if she wants you that bad she will show it by giving you divorce and seeing what happens after....and she will stick around for it. If she truly cares. 

But don't make it easy for her! You don't want her sticking around just cos she has no other bed to keep warm....at the moment.

Also, why are you allowing her to stay in your bed?!!! Surely if she wants to come over and it is too late for her to get home, AND she stopped you from moving your stuff out AFTER she moved her stuff out, she should find something to sleep on that IS NOT YOUR BED! If not, get a taxi home. Surely her in your bed is just a total wind up for you....and she knows it! Is why she is doing it.

Her doing that, and then the last chance saloon of saving the marriage because that is all she has left, is pure manipulation at its best.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Hope you're doing well and have managed to move into your condo, even if it's just on a cot.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah, how is it going?


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