# Wife thinks our Marriage was a mistake



## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

Well this is my first time posting in a forum but I'll try to be specific with my topic. My wife and I have been together for 7 years, we just got married july 2010 and already I can see problems. I met my wife 7 years ago and it was as if fate brought us together, she had a bad relationship before me and I have been her longest one. We've had some up's and downs like in any relationship. She thinks I control her and we argue all the time about money. She was also married prior to us as well as having another son. She's also started hanging around with co workers who I think rub off on her because she's a totally different person I've noticed. In 2009 I found out she was sending nude pictures to her ex boyfriend and another guy. When I confronted her she didnt have any real answer and wanted to break up. I told her that I forgive her and I didnt want to end our relationship. We got married and I thought things would change. She's been going to her co-workers house and spending the night, I'm ok with that but all I ask is that if she's doing something like that to let me know by calling me. But it's gotten out of hand. She went there on Friday and didn't call and say goodnight to the kids or me. When she came home Saturday I asked why she didnt call and she claimed she didnt have reception. That day I went to work for a little bit and was going to take her out for a surprise dinner. When I got home she was no where to be seen and neither was my son. 4 hours later I got a call from her telling me she went to her co-workers house so my son could play. I would have been ok with that but I got no call nothing. So by the time she got home it was too late for us to go out. We had another argument and by Valentines day she still didn't apologize I was still angry with her I didn't want to even talk to her. We argued a bit and talked and she again told me I was a control freak and that's not what she wanted and maybe I should pack a bag. So I packed my suitcase to show her I was serious. I had thought for a while if moving out would be even sensible. The next day I thought about how much I probably was mean and decided to take her out for dinner and I had thought we had gotten over the argument but I got vibes when we got home that she didn't even want to sleep next to me. The next day I thought we were fine and I took her out for dinner again and even got her a card. That night she thanked me for the card. The next day she tells me that she's not feeling it and maybe we need to separate, that our marriage was a mistake and she only did it because I pushed her into it. I made an appointment with our priest to talk and she said she'd think about it. We talked some more and she said she was going to take a drive to clear her head and she would be back in a little while. She never came home, no calls, nothing. I sat up all night worried out of my mind, she took her car key's and our car and left me stranded at home with our son. Am I being unreasonable when making these requests? I honestly don't like the people she's hanging out with and I think they are a bad influence on her. Shes never acted like this before yet she claims that I have brought it upon myself. Honestly though I am self employed because daycare is way to expensive and she complains that I don't work enough despite telling me something part time was ok because of our son, all we do is argue about money and how I take advantage of her. In my eyes I don't think she's grown up and still wants to hang on to her teen years of going out to friends houses etc. I think she should be here with me and our son's. Thanks for sitting through the short version


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

The men are going to come in and help you out with this one. But I'm telling you that in no way are her actions ok. You're going to have to put your foot down, set some boundaries and stick to them. Don't believe this crap she's trying to sell you that you're being too "controlling", or whatever. She's trying to make YOU responsible for her bad behavior. And it IS bad behavior. Your problem isn't the fact that you don't work enough hours...your problem is that your wife is doing things she shouldn't be doing. You need to find out what they are.

You have every right to expect that your wife is going to let her whereabouts be known. I believe she's up to no good with this spending the night at a co-workers house business. I would do some investigating to find out what she's REALLY up to.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I agree, I have trust issues because of what she did before and I want to trust her. I mean I am friends with the co worker to who is an engaged female but again I think it's not fair for me to sit up all night and worry if she's ok or not. She's had this issue in the past and I've told her just tell me where you are in case something happens. She also say's I sometimes make her feel guilty when she wants to go with her friends, and I do admit sometimes I do because I want to spend time with her.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I would imagine that what she's doing right now would be enough to cause trust issues. Have you tried establishing some boundaries? Have you told her you're not ok with these nights away from home? Unfortunately, you lost ground when you packed that suitcase but didn't leave. Then you turn around and take her out to dinner? What message did that send to her? She can practically throw you out of the house, and you're going to take her to dinner. You get "vibes" that she doesn't even want to sleep next to you, and you buy her dinner AND a card? 

You're going to have to 180 this woman. A hard 180. It's not going to feel good, but if you're going to bring her to her senses at all that's what it's going to take.

I'm really sorry that you're having to go through this.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I've told her before about setting boundaries but she thinks that it's controlling. I took her out because I felt bad our first valentines day as a married couple was an argument besides she cooked a nice meal for me, I was trying to apologize in my own special way. Yeah I think packing the bag was a mistake I would have been fine if she said I'm not coming home and told me where she was, a part of me wants to trust her but another part wants me to wonder if she was in some other guys bed. I think I'm going to call some counselors today I think we both need some help but more on her part as a responsible one. She doesn't think about the kids and what not and thinks going to friends houses is ok. I really dont want her to hang with those people anymore but am I right by telling her who she can hang out with?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It's not about whether it's right to tell her who she can hang out with, it's about her WANTING to be home. If she thinks she's going to lose something very important to her, she will make the choice on her own. You have to be the catalyst in helping her to make her own (good) decisions. 

As far as talking about boundaries go, you have to tell her that you've established such and such, and that's just the way it is. You have to tell her what your course of action will be if she crosses the boundary. She's using the "controlling" word as a way to manipulate YOU. Once you set those boundaries, you have to be prepared to enforce them. This puts the ball back in her court. If it's important enough to her, she'll respect the boundary. I don't think you'd establish unreasonable boundaries. 

Counseling would be good at this point. I'd still check into her activities, though. If she doesn't go...YOU go.


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## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

It's confusing, today we talked a few times and I told her that I called a counselor and that I was wrong in what I did, treating her bad etc. I even sent her flowers at work and told her I was sorry. I was supposed to pick her up because her car broke down and I had to go home for a bit before she got out of work. She asked me if I was going to play cards tonight and I said no I wanted to spend tonight with her and have a special night. She texted me and said she left work early and was headed back to her friends house for a girl night as much as I wanted to put my foot down I thought giving her space might help she did tell me where she was going and she might come home if not she would see me tomorrow. And that's all I asked from her. I asked her to call me and my son before we go to bed. But this is day 2 and I've told her I loved her and she doesn't respond. To me those 3 words are very important because if something happened to us it would be the last things we said to each other. I am willing to make the changes for her but can't get her to come home long enough to talk to me. Guess I am very confused. A part of me wants to sit her down and lay the options on the line.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NightEagle,

Deep breath pal.

Read all the links contained herein.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Once you digest it, we're in the Men's Clubhouse.


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