# help understanding women and guy friends



## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

First off I want to say that I have been married for 13 years and it has been good. My wife has always had guy friends but as of late it seems to be more and I can not seem to deal with this. Do any of you married women have a lot of guy friends and your husband has a hard time dealing with it? I ask because I want to either fix this because I wish I understood it more for my wife. She means the world and I do take care of her. 

Please let me know and I can share more and maybe I am not totally wrong?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have always had a lot of male friends. I work with more men than women, so I am with men more. I have sisters who, while not nearby, are my closest female friends, but I have other female friends,too. I don't think I have more in one group than the other (male or female friends). My husband has never paid much attention to my friends, so I can't say it bothers him.


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

hmm I think it is more me. some of it comes from my past and that is not fair to her. I just wish I didn't get bothered by these friend ships.

She works from home and talks to a lot of these guys over IM or Facebook. sometimes I feel like they get way more attention than me and that is what I think is hard. I come home and she has been working all day. We eat dinner and soon after she is back on the computer and I have come to hate the computer. I don't have girls that I talk to because I have always felt that it would not be fair to her and I don't find that I need to but maybe I need to too get my head out of this funk? I trust her I just wish I had the attention that other people get from her.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Instead of focusing on what gender her friends are, talk with her about the amount of time you two are spending together. If she was getting back on the computer and chatting with female friends would it still bother you as much? It sounds like you are more jealous of the time she should be spending with you instead of the number of male friends she has. Talk to her and ask her to spend some time with you in the evenings instead of jumping back on the computer.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MsStacy said:


> Instead of focusing on what gender her friends are, talk with her about the amount of time you two are spending together. If she was getting back on the computer and chatting with female friends would it still bother you as much? It sounds like you are more jealous of the time she should be spending with you instead of the number of male friends she has. Talk to her and ask her to spend some time with you in the evenings instead of jumping back on the computer.


:iagree:

It doesn't sound like a gender issue as much as a lack of time together. Much like a habitual gamer Discuss her amount of time on the computer and how it detracts from your time together. Set some ground rules and schedule some uninterrupted couple time. Date nights and such.


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

You both are right, I just think the male issue strikes a cord with me because I don’t trust other guys. 

In a way it blew up on her, one of the guys she talks to got all mad that she talks to another guy that he works with. What would that mean?? I can only guess but I wish she saw it a little like I do. She is a very caring person and anybody would be blessed to have her as a friend, but on the other hand she can be blind to letting other people to close to her and them getting the wrong impression.


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Why play with fire? I wonder if she thinks about or talks about them when she's not on the computer.

No matter what women may think, a lot guys under 50 are probably trying to find an edge. You know, looking for a weak spot or just waiting for a weak moment. 

What do you suppose will happen when the two of you 'hit a bump in the road' in your relationship? Will she lean on one of them for comfort? And then what?

She may have started talking with them with perfectly innocent intentions, but I'll bet she gets a bit of a boost from their attentions now. 

To get a glimpse of how she might behave when tested, how does she handle integrity crossroads? For example, does she pirate stuff off the internet? What does she do when she's undercharged for something at the store or a restaurant? Did she call out from work when she really wasn't sick (when she had an outside job)? These are just little things but they tell a lot about what people will do when they think nobody is looking. Some, not all, people will rationalize unscrupulous behaviour if they can figure out a way to justify it.

I think if she passes the tests above, you have a gem of a wife and a lot to lose....and also probably nothing to worry about from her male friends. (Except for the time lost from maintaining your marriage that is.) Unfortunately, that only causes men of low character to try all the harder. It may be what draws them to your wife. That may be your situation, who knows?

Lastly, because we are human, we all have a breaking point. 

Which leads me back to my original question....

Why play with fire?


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## danyell80 (Apr 20, 2009)

1veryconfused said:


> hmm I think it is more me. some of it comes from my past and that is not fair to her. I just wish I didn't get bothered by these friend ships.
> 
> She works from home and talks to a lot of these guys over IM or Facebook. sometimes I feel like they get way more attention than me and that is what I think is hard. I come home and she has been working all day. We eat dinner and soon after she is back on the computer and I have come to hate the computer. I don't have girls that I talk to because I have always felt that it would not be fair to her and I don't find that I need to but maybe I need to too get my head out of this funk? I trust her I just wish I had the attention that other people get from her.


i know how ya feel my husband has a few friends that are girls he talks to i dont have any guys to talk to i feel they get more attention makes us fight alot...


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

mjr810 said:


> Why play with fire?


I agree but in her defense I think she can be very naive to what is going on.



danyell80 said:


> i know how ya feel my husband has a few friends that are girls he talks to i dont have any guys to talk to i feel they get more attention makes us fight alot...


I am sorry to hear that! I wounder if you did get some guy friends if that would bother him? I am sure he would say it would not bother him but I am sure it would?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have to admit that there may be something suspicious going on if men online are so eager to instant message your wife. I have lived through some very inappropriate chats with men online. It did all start innocently, and it ended very dramatically with me being very hurt by lies and promises these men made. My husband also has chats with women online, and I hate the time away from me. He has done this for years, and every time he walks to his computer, I cringe. I dread the sound of his steps creaking on the stairs as he walks away from me and his family to be with his secret second life. I know it is an addiction and I know it can be fun to connect with friends online, but if it damages the marriage in anyway, why sit and worry? Ask her, tell her exactly how you feel. I hope things are improving.


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## 1veryconfused (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks Sensitive!! I have told her and I get the old they are just friends which I do believe I just think it is wrong. There is so much to do with the family or around the house and I say that because I am the one doing most of the chores around the house. I ask her to do a few things and she says there just doesnt seem to be enough time to get them done?? That almost hurts when she spends time on the computer and not doing other things that need to get done. I feel so wrong for being this way and I want her to learn on her own not by me telling her. I feel when I try and talk to her that I am the bad one and I am complaining.... by the end of the conversation I feel like I did something wrong.


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## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

I'm sitting here on my laptop right now not a foot a way from my mate. We both have male and female friends and I know he was just texting a female friend. Honestly, I don't care. We're up front about who we're talking to and what we're talking about. I never hide anything and neither does he. I'll put my laptop down and walk away with my screens up and know even if it pings a half inch away from his hand that he's not going to look, that he doesn't care, because he believes in the respect that I have for him not to insult him in such a way. So. While there are a lot of backwards thinkers out there that do screw around online and in chats, there are also those that are innocent. TALK. Figure out what exactly causes the problem and discuss ways to work around it. We had one instance where he would stop what he was doing to talk to his ex on the cell, I had a problem with it. I brought it to his attention that when he interrupted what we were doing to talk to her on the phone I felt like he was putting her first and if he could please just text her instead when I was present, that would be great. Since then, we have had no problems in this department. I have guy friends and seek out new ones, he has girl friends..... it's ok to have your own life as long as you aren't doing anything that you aren't comfortable talking to your partner about. If you can't talk about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it. That's my opinion anyway.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

I think your perfectly normal to have issues with her having many male friends.. we as women get very emotionally attached to the people were close to & we show affection thru touch and hugs often .. so to have a really close friend of the opposite sex can be very dangerous to the marriage .. if she confides in her male friends about your marriage details etc shes building trust and so many diffrent emotions that belong to you .. theres plenty of opposite sex friendships in marriages .. the kinds where she has accepted your friends as hers and is civil etc but not on the same level as you in terms of having a nite out with them .. I know some of my husbands friends but I wouldnt want them as my online friends with face book etc for chatting or whatever thats where id connect with female friends & my husband ...

not trying to put any man down but alot of male friends will be quicker than you to compliment her looks decorating cooking etc and most will know thru her confiding in them the areas of weakness to target to make themselves appear more appealling because and Not all But most men will develop lustful feelings towards the female they share so much with.. and some women dont see it as a problem for they do like the extra attention they recieve & will be quick to turn to that male friend for a shoulder to cry on .. what alot of guys are waiting on.. same thing in reverse when a married man has oposite sex friends the female seeks to recieve his attention compliments etc.. taking an intimacy to herself that belongs to his wife .. so the diffrence is what kind of friends are they civil.. where you are included .. or private convo communications that resemble the same closeness you'd see in 2 women..

I think if you had the same atmosphere with female friends it would become an issue with your wife if for no other reason than " The time invested in others could be the time invested to eachother" resentment. that issue would come up regardless of the friends genders when alot of time is being given away from the marriage however considering it is the opposite sex recieving the time and all that goes with it then everything could all go south really quick so as stated why play around with fire if you dont have to ?? You shouldnt feel like the bad guy for expressing any concern for alot of people would see it as a cause for concern.. Just My Input.. Take care


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