# male honesty/p.o.v.



## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Hello men. I want to hear a man's perspective on this please: First, I am not a man-slammer, in other words, I think that men have their own set of issues, questions, and fears--in other words, I believe that men are human. Not to mention, I have a son so obstensibly I am raising a man. so here goes:
My husband moved out in late September because of my son who has emotional/mental issues (he is a HANDFUL) but was so since my husband starting dating me. Anyway, in November we hooked up for sex---that's all it was and after a few times, he broke it off, feeling bad that he knew he was hurting me and it was hurting him spiritually that he knew he wasn't coming back. It hurt, but I appreciated the honesty/responsibility on his part. No contact for a few weeks and then he reached out to me in December---and we have been 'dating' for a few weeks now, more than sex like he actually takes me out---he's even told some of his friends that we're seeing each other and yes, we are having sex. He did say however that he doesn't want 'emotions' so no "i love you" no "I miss you" in other words, no romance; he doesn't want to get "lost" in all of that. He doesn't know what's going to happen and for the first time, I think we're both in the one day at a time stance. However, I still have tremendous issues with my son, I'm financially unstable because I'm back on my salary alone, and well, I'm alone. We went out on Saturday and I let my guard down a little bit (only trying to protect myself-I'm not a child and I know that I have to protect my heart from his ambiguity) and I showed a tear (really just one) and it bothered him--"Listen if you're going to show emotion like that, then we can't hang out" (yes, he said 'hang out'). I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's nervous too or scared of revealing feelings to me but then, I feel like I'm being used---fun times with the wife who was obstensibly betrayed (he left when the going got tough). I should mention that he has 9.5 months sobriety and a daughter of his own---he has established his own apartment and says that he's happy with the way things are...can I hear from a man what this might be? Since Saturday's slight weirdness, I sense that he may pull away or just walk away (AGAIN) and of course, I'm feeling sad and a bit angry at myself. 
sorry for the long post---looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Yes, he keeps saying "I don't know" in regards to any questions about the 'relationship' (there have been only a few). Yesterday in a very vulnerable (perhaps desperate) moment, I asked if he wanted to have sex (we didn't after our Saturday date) and he said "no, sorry"
Yikes. I feel rejected or perhaps I should be feeling protected...all I know is that I am going to do my best not to contact him---I will wait it out to see what he does---not giving the 'power' so to speak, rather trying to re-establish that I'm worthy of slight efforts.
Thanks for the input---I kinda already figured that but I don't know, it helps to hear some sensibility, especially since my heart is still so very in it.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think it was a mistake having sex with him until things got worked out.
i wouldnt do it again til you know where you are in this situation.
if he gets all he wants then he has no reason to try to work through things one way or the other.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Clarify please, is this man the father of your son?

Either way, what he is doing is extraordinarily selfish. But ... you're letting him do it.

My suggestion would be to stop being intimate with a husband that isn't sure he wants to be a husband, but likes getting laid occasionally.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

faithaqua said:


> First, I am not a man-slammer, in other words, I think that men have their own set of issues, questions, and fears--in other words, I believe that men are human.


While I appreciate what you are saying, I find it a sad commentary on society and culture that people feel the need to even clarify this as if it is some big revelation.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I agree with your statement that it's a sad commentary but I am an educator so sociology and discussions on such matters is part of my daily life---I think one reason why marriages--relationships in general are failing at such rapid rates is that we've all forgotten the basics which is that we all want to be seen and heard---regardless of race, gender, age, or anything else. 
Thanks for the other posts of honesty---yes, I am letting him do it, perhaps I am being selfish too, but the cost is too high with no return because I am still emotionally invested and I'm thinking he may not be (or he is and just doesn't want to be ath this time). 
Keeping it one day at a time...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

faithaqua said:


> Hello men. I want to hear a man's perspective on this please: First, I am not a man-slammer, in other words, I think that men have their own set of issues, questions, and fears--in other words, I believe that men are human. Not to mention, I have a son so obstensibly I am raising a man. so here goes:
> My husband moved out in late September because of my son who has emotional/mental issues (he is a HANDFUL) but was so since my husband starting dating me. Anyway, in November we hooked up for sex---that's all it was and after a few times, he broke it off, feeling bad that he knew he was hurting me and it was hurting him spiritually that he knew he wasn't coming back. It hurt, but I appreciated the honesty/responsibility on his part. No contact for a few weeks and then he reached out to me in December---and we have been 'dating' for a few weeks now, more than sex like he actually takes me out---he's even told some of his friends that we're seeing each other and yes, we are having sex. He did say however that he doesn't want 'emotions' so no "i love you" no "I miss you" in other words, no romance; he doesn't want to get "lost" in all of that. He doesn't know what's going to happen and for the first time, I think we're both in the one day at a time stance. However, I still have tremendous issues with my son, I'm financially unstable because I'm back on my salary alone, and well, I'm alone. We went out on Saturday and I let my guard down a little bit (only trying to protect myself-I'm not a child and I know that I have to protect my heart from his ambiguity) and I showed a tear (really just one) and it bothered him--"Listen if you're going to show emotion like that, then we can't hang out" (yes, he said 'hang out'). I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's nervous too or scared of revealing feelings to me but then, I feel like I'm being used---fun times with the wife who was obstensibly betrayed (he left when the going got tough). I should mention that he has 9.5 months sobriety and a daughter of his own---he has established his own apartment and says that he's happy with the way things are...can I hear from a man what this might be? Since Saturday's slight weirdness, I sense that he may pull away or just walk away (AGAIN) and of course, I'm feeling sad and a bit angry at myself.
> sorry for the long post---looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


Just write to him and ask him what his short, medium and long term plans are.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

The cake he's eating tastes great and actually burns calories.

Dont let him have anymore of your "cake".


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

It's funny that the same phrase of cake eating comes up---we had a "little chat" last evening. He was honest and said he felt bad that he was---you guessed it---having his cake and eating it too. He proceeded to pontificate that I would be the one to get hurt, he has better "defense mechanisms." I sat there amazed at his arrogance because while I am the one who didn't want any of this to happen, I'm also a 40 year old woman who's been on the ferris wheel a couple of times, even though I may be in this with my eyes-wide-shut, I don't have any expectations other than communication, respect, and honesty---that's all I ever wanted. I'm not so sure I want him back---he left me when I needed him most, but that doesn't mean I don't love him and all I know is that I'm not ready to let go just yet. I told him all of this in a few more words---left out that I thought he was arrogant but I think he was a bit surprised. 
Is it alright that I'm ok with one day at a time? In one breath he says he KNOWS that I'll get tired of this and move on (wouldn't that hurt him?) and then in the next breath he says no one knows what will happen in the future. We talked in circles for about 3 more minutes and just left it as it is...
Am I being stupid? Once again, I need the male input because I'd hate to think that this man who I thought was in it with me for life is simply using me---even though I think we're both using each other a bit---who wants to hurt? No one that I know...why is he in it if he knows it's 'not going anywhere'?
ohhhh, see? I think we're back with the cake thing :lol:
Thanks for your input thus far---it has helped---so now whaddya think of the 'chat'?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Not a guy, but...

You're currently married, but living separately? Quit sleeping with him for one... You don't know who else he's seeing or what kind of risk you're putting yourself in - and secondly, if he likes the way things are then he needs to become technically single. Third, if he is the father of your son he needs to step-up. 

Quit calling him, accepting his calls and being available. You deserve someone who isn't going to punk out on you when the going gets tough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow another man with no honor. It makes me mad to see him run when thing got tuff. He needs to wake up LIFE is tuff. Was he raised a mommies boy with a silver spoon in his mouth?

And again like everyone said no more free milk(or cake). 

You might look up the 180 thing and start it. Or on you next phone call or meeting be totally open and tell him your feeling and what you need. If this drives him off then the better for you to recover and look for someone else. 

I know being 40 ( I myself 45) is scray to think to try and find someone else this late in life but I am sure there is someone out there.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

First, a few of the replies asked the status of my son to my H---my son is from my 1st marriage and has ALWAYS been a challenge even from my first weeks of dating my current husband. I thought he was tough and in for the long haul---he has a daughter from a previous relationship. It's even more hurt because the kids miss each other terribly and I miss her---I had been an integral part of her life for the past 3 years. I did see her with him on Monday--brief exchange of business paperwork---and out of the mouth of a 6 year old, she said "this is nuts, get back together." I'm sure that only added to his 'fun Forrest run!" and yes, when the going got tough, the 'tough' went. 
So you see? I'm almost certain I don't want him back living with me but I'm not ready to let go entirely---I think we are both on the same page. We have agreed to be monogamous since we are still technically married---but maybe that's more cake/milk/whatever you wanna call it talk...sheesh. On the one hand he says, I've let go and let God and then in the next breath, he says, I know what's going to happen here. so which is it? are you in control or is God? 
I happen to believe that love is a choice--goes beyond feelings---and since there's a choice, that means there's voice, that means there's power, that means there's control. He's choosing to shut that off---perhaps he'll choose something else, but I'm not holding my breath.


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