# Separated husband had sex with me today, but doesn't love me?



## bluecupcake24 (Aug 17, 2013)

My husband and I are separated for a month now. and he is very set and determined that he for sure wants a divorce. He says he doesn't love me at all any more. I am so heart broken, and wish he would change his mind. but its looking like he's not going too. I don't know how to cope with this pain. Today earlier, him and I had sex at a cheap motel. He said it was our last time. and he told me not to read into it and think it means anything, just sex, and he doesn't want any emotions involved. I stupid of course, go into it with emotions attached, because i love him. but he doesn't he says. He says he doesn't love me, i just feel amazing in bed. He said he hasn't been able to get it up lately for some reason. but he got hard instantly when we started. Do you think there is a chance he could still love me deep down and not realize it? he mentioned another girl he was thinking of pursuing. that hurts. how do i get over the pain of thinking of him having sex with another woman, because i still think of him as mine? or maybe its possible, when he goes out and starts dating other woman and having sex, he will maybe miss me down the road? i don't know, this is just all so hard on me.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you think there is a chance he loves you deep down but doesn't realize it - NO!

I'm very sorry he has put you in this situation. I'm sorry he used you to get off after he has been so cruel to you. I'm sorry you let him do that. I hope karma catches up with him.

But no, its.obvious he doesn't love you because that is not how love acts.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Aw .... sweetie (((hugs))) 

I'm so sad you went through with this.

He is using you and controlling you and very much hurting you and I don't believe for one moment he doesn't know it.

He is telling you he doesn't love you and his actions more than back that up.

If your best friend or sister was going through this...what would you tell her?
I would tell her to stop all contact with him and work on rebuilding the life that HE shattered.

Do you have a support team in RL?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

My guess is that if he has mentioned another girl, he has most likely already pursued her and wanted to see what your reaction was to simply mention the possibility.

What caused your separation?

Likely, you should get over him as soon as possible, or at least try to understand that if you continue to think about him and wish he would change his mind, you will have difficulty healing from the pain already inflicted. Remember, one sided love isn't really love that works for any duration at all. 
I would recommend focusing on yourself. Do the things that make you happy as an individual and try to become the best you possible. 
If he decides to change his mind, by you being positive about yourself will only add to the attraction that may draw him back.

I wish you the best.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bluecupcake24 said:


> My husband and I are separated for a month now. and he is very set and determined that he for sure wants a divorce. He says he doesn't love me at all any more. I am so heart broken, and wish he would change his mind. but its looking like he's not going too. I don't know how to cope with this pain. Today earlier, him and I had sex at a cheap motel. He said it was our last time. and he told me not to read into it and think it means anything, just sex, and he doesn't want any emotions involved. I stupid of course, go into it with emotions attached, because i love him. but he doesn't he says. He says he doesn't love me, i just feel amazing in bed. He said he hasn't been able to get it up lately for some reason. but he got hard instantly when we started. Do you think there is a chance he could still love me deep down and not realize it? he mentioned another girl he was thinking of pursuing. that hurts. how do i get over the pain of thinking of him having sex with another woman, because i still think of him as mine? or maybe its possible, when he goes out and starts dating other woman and having sex, he will maybe miss me down the road? i don't know, this is just all so hard on me.



You've been separated for 1 month now and getting a divorce. He doesn't love you anymore and is pursuing another woman. He told you its just sex and probably the last time.

If you knew all this, why did you still meet with him and let him use you for sex in a cheap motel?

You should be moving on already and taking care of yourself, not catering to him and how he is badly treating you.

Move on girl and don't look back or go back to him anymore.

Do this for your sanity, and self respect.

No more going back to him, okay? If he loved you, he wouldn't of done any of this.

I know this whole situation is horrible but the sooner you move on, the healthier it will be for you.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

How was your marriage before your husband left? Have he ever treat you good during your marriage?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Why are you here? You don't listen to anyone...everyone told you this would happen.

You have 5 threads started, all of them tell you the same thing, and you never respond in any of them.

Don't be his doormat. Don't let him use you for sex.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We warned you and yet you did it anyway.

Hard for me to have sympathy for you. 

He's just using you for sex and you allowed him to do it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> We warned you and yet you did it anyway.
> 
> Hard for me to have sympathy for you.
> 
> He's just using you for sex and you allowed him to do it.


:iagree:

Plus, cheap hotel tells it all. Sorry you need to be responsible for your actions. You let him treat you like a Wh0re, you can't feel like a dignified woman after. 

You have control over life, stop being such a doormat. 

Sorry about the bluntness but you were advised not to do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bluecupcake24 said:


> My husband and I are separated for a month now. *and he is very set and determined that he for sure wants a divorce. He says he doesn't love me at all any more.*
> 
> Today earlier, him and I had sex at a cheap motel. He said it was our last time. and *he told me not to read into it and think it means anything, just sex, and he doesn't want any emotions involved.* I stupid of course, go into it with emotions attached, because i love him. but he doesn't he says. *He says he doesn't love me, i just feel amazing in bed*


I hope that you can step away from your emotions for just 15 seconds and read the last part I bolded and see how incredibly selfish and insulting it is. 

Imagine your friend is telling you this. Do you see how fcked up that? Do you?

He has told you:
he wants a separation/divorce, is interested in someone else, to meet him at "motel" of all things for "sex" with no emotions/strings attached and just wants to get off with you. Essentially using you to nut in. I am sorry if that sounds crass but when I describe it in these base terms, I hope it hits home for you.

His ACTIONS and WORDS tell you everything you need to know.

He is DONE.

So please please please do not lose your dignity/self-respect by giving him the goodies, your time, heart while he is way way way on another road/town/universe. 

He does not love you. He said so. He does not want to be married to you.

Those are cruel cruel words to read/understand about someone YOU love, but trust me dear, the sooner you wise up to the fact that this is how he REALLY FEELS, the sooner you can cut yourself off from him.

it does absolutely NO good to pine over someone or chase someone who is quickly quickly sprinting away from you, trying to get away from you, kicking and flicking you off of them. Cause that is what you are right now.

Do you want to be that person? Te one who clings, losing all her self-respect in the process?

LET HIM GO. 

Protect yourself legally and get tested for STDs.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Did he leave money next to the bed before he left?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

From your other thread (one of 5 discussing the same thing):



bluecupcake24 said:


> I am so hurt. and frustrated. My husband of 5 years recently left me and our two children. He doesn't love me any more he says. any way he is just being so mean since we have been separated. He is totally oblivious to my feelings. I love him so much and i don't want this divorce, but he does. and i always have to drop the kids off and pick them up. and i try to be civil and only talk about the kids. but he always is so rude and mean to me whenever i drop them off. I want to tell him something about the kids before i leave, and he gets mad and snappy with me. Tonight i told him i needed to talk to him about the kids, and he just like threw a fit,and yelled at me, saying really meanly, "What do you want to talk about god" i felt like a kicked puppy. Why is he treating me like this. i never did any thing to him to make him treat me so low. He acts like its such a bother for him to spend two minutes of his time talking about our children. when he'll spend all night with his friends and video games. why do i deserve this treatment. This is not the guy i remember before he left.


And you want to be with this man, WHY? 

He has no respect for you. Please respect yourself. He is a d!ck.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Oh and btw you can't nice, buy or seduce someone into loving you.

I hope he at least took you out for lunch for your trouble.

Jerk.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Please look for therapy soon, this is beyond shameful. You should not be allowing him to treat you this way.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I understand your pain and sympathize with you. You are so consumed with your feelings you can't see straight. The next emotion you will be feeling in this process, hopefully, if anger. I suggest you get there fast.

You are in self destructive mode, you aren't listening when people give you the truth. Please look at your husband, not for who you THINK he is, or who he USED to be, but look at him for WHO HE IS NOW.

And then GET ANGRY.


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Did he leave money next to the bed before he left?


Nope. He already payed for the (cheap) hotel...


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## joygirl (Aug 19, 2013)

And I may understand if you don't have a problem with the fact that he surely does not love you. But to accept being disrespected this way is shocking. Where did you keep your self esteem?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He gave you little clues that this was just sex for him. For starters, he told you it was just sex. That's a pretty heavy clue. Secondly, he is proceeding with a divorce. Third, he told you not read anything into it. Fourth, he treated you to the cheapest hotel he could find. These aren't the actions of a guy interested in conquering your heart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> He gave you little clues that this was just sex for him. For starters, he told you it was just sex. That's a pretty heavy clue. Secondly, he is proceeding with a divorce. Third, he told you not read anything into it. Fourth, he treated you to the cheapest hotel he could find. These aren't the actions of a guy interested in conquering your heart.


Harsh truths

:iagree:

BlueCupcake: Notice all of the advice is universal.


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## bluecupcake24 (Aug 17, 2013)

Thank you for all the advice every one. I know i feel really stupid and pathetic. every one does give me great advice, but i'm not thinking clearly lately. I just keep thinking i can change things, or how he feels about me. but i'm realizing now that nothing is going to change his mind, and i'm just cheapening myself and looking like a fool in the process. Its hard to accept for me. but I know he's gone. and i need to try to forget about him and move on. i wish it didn't have to hurt so much. All i keep thinking about are all the good memories we have. how sweet he used to be to me a few years ago. and i know he's changed and i don't overly like the person he is now. he is very selfish and mean half the time. i don't know why i feel i love him so much. or maybe i'm just in love with who he used to be. i miss that guy so much. I'm just going to be ignoring him for the most part now. I won't be sleeping with him again, and i'm thinking i'm gonna have some one else pick up and drop the kids off at his house for a little while, so i don't have to see him right now. seeing him daily makes it harder to move on. I'm also scared, in the future, when i get out and start dating again, what if no one wants me? I know its an irrational fear probably, but i can't help it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Before you contemplate dating, you need to contemplate why you value yourself so little. I hope you fully embrace the shame and hurt you've allowed yourself by going to that hotel. Only when you embrace your part can you begin to see the patterns that allow you to believe something so utterly false...that your love can turn a pig into a prince.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

bluecupcake24 said:


> Thank you for all the advice every one. I know i feel really stupid and pathetic. every one does give me great advice, but i'm not thinking clearly lately. I just keep thinking i can change things, or how he feels about me. but i'm realizing now that nothing is going to change his mind, and i'm just cheapening myself and looking like a fool in the process. Its hard to accept for me. but I know he's gone. and i need to try to forget about him and move on. i wish it didn't have to hurt so much. All i keep thinking about are all the good memories we have. how sweet he used to be to me a few years ago. and i know he's changed and i don't overly like the person he is now. he is very selfish and mean half the time. i don't know why i feel i love him so much. or maybe i'm just in love with who he used to be. i miss that guy so much. I'm just going to be ignoring him for the most part now. I won't be sleeping with him again, and i'm thinking i'm gonna have some one else pick up and drop the kids off at his house for a little while, so i don't have to see him right now. seeing him daily makes it harder to move on. I'm also scared, in the future, when i get out and start dating again, what if no one wants me? I know its an irrational fear probably, but i can't help it.


You should read this book:

Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship: Sherry Argov: 9781580627566: Amazon.com: Books


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

my interpretation is that he used you to regain his confidence about getting it up he is a very cruel man . 

no contact is the only way you will heal .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Peace can only come when your head and your heart are in agreement. Your head is in straight. The question is, why isn't your heart on the same page.

How are your interpretation of your feelings misleading you? Are you seeing love when the true feeling is fear? 

Try hard to act with dignity. The feelings of being foolish and undeserving will begin to fade with each small act. I know your energy is drained. It is harder then.

Time without seeing, hearing, reading/writing etc. him will help tremendously. Block his emails and texts. Have someone screen all necessary contact. Dont give an inch on that. But then be prepared for him to try to force contact.

You will gain strength and power as he attempts to regain his. Thwart every attempt that he makes. His response will help open your heart to what it is really telling you and allow it to get in line with your head.

You are going to come out with a better sense of self as you go through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Peace can only come when your head and your heart are in agreement. Your head is in straight. The question is, why isn't your heart on the same page.
> 
> How are your interpretation of your feelings misleading you? Are you seeing love when the true feeling is fear?
> 
> ...


I don't know about the part in bold. If someone have access to my kids then I would not go through a 3rd party for contact.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

The only question in my mind is this, is he going through mid life crisis? From how you describe how he acted a few years ago as compared to now, it sounds like night and day. From nice guy to jerk. Anyway, sorry you are going through this, you need to protect your self respect. The other posters gave good advice please follow it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Hard for me to have sympathy for you.


I think she meant it's heard for her to have respect for you. I cannot imaging anyone not having sympathy for you. I have sympathy for you.

I think that when you love someone, you never really stop loving them no matter what terrible things they might do. But loving someone is not the same as being able to build a life with someone and have a future with them.

It may take a while but think about how happy you'll make a man some day, when you find him, as a woman who's confident in how amazing she feels. You do know there are men just dreaming right now of finding such an amazing woman, and will treat you right.

I mentioned respect before. Respect does not just happen. Go out there and earn our respect. How you handle the difficult spell of time ahead of you now will be terribly important in becoming the person who's ready to find that man who you want and who really cares so much about that word, "respect."


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

bluecupcake, your husband is trash and therefore he's treating you the same way he deserves.
Dump him and try to do better next time.


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## Incognito78 (Mar 3, 2009)

Oh my, some harsh responses. My sister is just like you, and I know the reason why you are doing this. It's not because you love him, it's because you don't love yourself. If you love yourself, you would not allow him to treat you this way, or tolerate it. In order to have self respect, you have to respect you and your body. Start by saying no to him. Do not allow him to do this to you anymore. It's easy for me to say, but you need to focus on why you are doing this to yourself. Find a good counsellor, dig deeper within yourself to find out why there is a pattern, because I assume he isn't the only person who has treated you this way. Once you get your issues sorted, you will no longer allow this treatment. Be kind to yourself now, and everything around you will change.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

BCC

Please watch some of these video's think they will help you.

Get Mr. RIght to Fall in LOVE w/ you - 7 Easy Steps + 1 Fatal Flaw MOST women Make TonyaTko How To - YouTube
Tonya TKO 

Peace to you in your heart and soul


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wise Fairy said:


> BCC
> 
> Please watch some of these video's think they will help you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Love this!!


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