# How much is addiction?



## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

So I've lost count of the number of weeks that have gone by since I had sexual contact with the wife. I've been working on my own behavior compulsions...limiting alcohol consumptions to controlled amounts on weekends only, and abstaining from inappropriate chats or messaging online. But, I find myself every week or so beginning to feel the pressure build. It's not as bad as when I was younger, when it would start every few days, but now in my mid-40's, I still have some physical desire. So yesterday I gave myself a few minutes on one of those free-porn wesbsites, just to enjoy the stimulation of what I find to be erotic scenes.

How much is too much? Is this understandable, or out of line? I get depressed about this situation...I'm so out of touch with normal relationships with women now I can't even get laid in my fantasies...girls in my mind even are starting to say no!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There are other issues going on, but you don't specify. Why aren't you and your wife having sex? EA? PA? Loss of love?

You are controlling your drinking. Do you ever feel somewhat obsessed, like you just NEED a few drinks to take the pressure off? People drink to self-medicate, because they're addicted, because they need to get a buzz to escape the reality of their situation; many reasons.

You've posted this in the addictions forum, so it could be you have an addiction to several things. However, only you can determine whether or not this is so. I've been in plenty of open A.A. meetings, and it's always made quite clear that anyone who decides to attend a meeting does so by their own free will.

I can spot an addict a mile away, because I grew up in a family of addicts and married two A's (alcoholics). Generally, the way somone picks up and continues to pick up tips me off. 

You may be getting into porn just to satisfy your lack of sexual fulfillment in your marriage. Porn can become addicting for many people; others, no interest. I glanced at it a few times, and it held no interest for me, but that's just me.

It would help if you could clarify some things. You sound frustrated and lonely, but what's the deal with your wife (from your perspective)?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Are you seeing an addiction specialist or trying to do this on your own?


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Are you seeing an addiction specialist or trying to do this on your own?


Trying to do on my own..


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> There are other issues going on, but you don't specify. Why aren't you and your wife having sex? EA? PA? Loss of love?
> 
> You are controlling your drinking. Do you ever feel somewhat obsessed, like you just NEED a few drinks to take the pressure off? People drink to self-medicate, because they're addicted, because they need to get a buzz to escape the reality of their situation; many reasons.
> 
> ...



Well, we've been married a long time (about 2 decades), and the sexual problems started from the very beginning, so it's not an easy question to answer...a lot of things have happened. I don't initiate because I feel a chronic level of irritation toward her about domestic problems around the house, money problems, weight gain, and communication problems, and she has never been one to initiate and when on the rare occasions she does the sex is pretty much the same routine as the last 20 years.

I don't find myself fixating on alcohol, but on sex, I do, at least now and then. Especially when it's been awhile (a couple weeks or more).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PFTGuy said:


> I don't initiate because I feel a chronic level of irritation toward her about domestic problems around the house, money problems, weight gain, and communication problems


Thank you for clarifying. It sounds like your wife has become someone you don't particularly like. Have either of you ever tried counseling? Do you think the breakdown in your marriage is past help? 

Have you considered leaving, or has she? Life is really short, and it's sad to be stuck in a relationship where both of you coexist but get no fulfillment from one another. I'm not blaming you for the situation, but you sound so unhappy.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Thank you for clarifying. It sounds like your wife has become someone you don't particularly like. Have either of you ever tried counseling? Do you think the breakdown in your marriage is past help?
> 
> Have you considered leaving, or has she? Life is really short, and it's sad to be stuck in a relationship where both of you coexist but get no fulfillment from one another. I'm not blaming you for the situation, but you sound so unhappy.




I consider divorce quite often, and she probably does too. The time just isn't right, due to family and financial concerns. At least, that's the way I feel about it. You're right though, life is short. I wouldn't wish this kind of situation on anybody.


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