# I’m the Woman in my marriage and i don’t want to have sex with my husband



## whereisthismarriagegoing (Jul 23, 2021)

*Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


What your husband thinks is more important than what we think.

Personally, I think sex is an important aspect of marriage. If one spouse unilaterally decides sex is off the table, they should also decide to let the marriage go and give their spouse an amicable divorce. 

I also think this question is baiting an argument, given how it was written and the lack of information.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


I think your husband will decide this for you sooner or later. You’re going to be circling the drain soon, if not already. It feels like you’ve already decided but can’t act on it. If so, that’s terribly unfair to your husband.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Women’s Infidelity Stage One:

“Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.”


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you asked the question and in asking you answered it 

*I feel horrible.
It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him
 i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. 
 i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. this is very important statement 
I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. 

pack your bags and be honest to yourself and to him . 
you know this has gone past the best before date 
and the longer you give digging a hole for your self the more damage you will do to both you and him 

best to get out now and hold on to your past as the good times you had *
some relationships go on for ever because the two people move together as they age others move in other ways and it is often no ones doing 
it just we go in different ways and end up needing different things , you can try change and make it work but is it not better to be true to your self and to him 

you can tell him i have relay loved you in the past in shared some good times together I think I now need my own space and need different things in my life and want to be fair to you and to my 
try to keep it honest and be ready for him asking to stay and work it out , but keep it cool collected and not get into a fight 

other things to work out together , agreement on what is yours and what is his 
don't be greedy and rub the man of his life and his goods some we have seen set up a plan to empty the bank account 
and in the end important things end up not getting paid , how will you live on your own you will have higher costs and so will he so the better you do it the better it will be for the 2 

just because you don't love him anymore does not give you the right to use a legal team with a dagger


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How about instead of growing apart, you try to grow together? 

Marriage is growing together.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What specific reasons can you think of that made you lose attraction for him? If you say he gained 50lbs and never shaves then I don’t blame you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


This is your excuse? The poor bastard that married you needs to wise up. What does that even mean? He married you, he clearly has some deep feelings for you.

If he’s not doing it for you, at least be a little better at explaining why. Yeah, it’s already a failed marriage. Wow.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Sounds like you have problems within the marriage and you are physically reacting to these.
Many people need to feel safe and loved to share their bodies, and be attracted to their partner in ways that matter to them.

I think your relationship needs looking at first.
Are there problems, resentments?

You say that you are not attracted to him because sex should be deeper than just the physical part.
So, how is your husband as a lover? Does he try and give you an experience that includes loving, or are you implying that it's too basic and devoid of emotional connection? More wham bam, and then he is finished? 

Have you communicated any issues with your husband?
I do feel that this can be fixed if the whole marriage is looked at, but it would mean your husband wanting to help fix it too.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

I think many of the comments here are unfair. There is not enough information given to make assumptions.
There are many reasons why a woman can lose interest in sex. A major one is hormones.
Women’s bodies are constantly in a delicate hormonal balance, unlike a man’s which keeps a simple balance with far fewer hormones.
Just about anything can throw this female hormone balance off - from lack of sleep, to stress, to environmental toxins, etc. Perimenopause (which can begin as early as 35 in some women) throws off hormones. One of the main effects of perimenopause is lack of sex drive.
This can be helped with artificial hormone balance, but even birth control is known to lower or eliminate sex drive in women. Another option is bio identical hormone replacement.
It is natural for a woman to consider emotional intimacy as more important than physical sex. However, the OP needs to keep her partner in mind, as it is natural for men to consider physical intimacy as she f greater importance,
There needs to be a balance between the two.
A woman who cannot receive emotional intimacy from her mate will not feel comfortable with and probably will not want sex.
So the problem could be the OP’s hormones, or it could be that her husband is not providing enough emotional intimacy, or it could be something else.
But just saying to the OP “Don’t be selfish - put out or get out,” is stupid.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

EveningThoughts said:


> You say that you are not attracted to him because sex should be deeper than just the physical part.


They seem to have lost the emotional connection.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> They seem to have lost the emotional connection.


Exactly....but her statement can be taken different ways. 

He is physical but there is no emotion involved. He likes sex as activity but his bond could be other things...physical is not his LL. 

OR
The flip side.

She does not want sex any more and is one who has emotional bond through other things, but he is one that has to have the physical to feel the emotional bond. 

If both partners are alike in this aspect marriage is easier. When the one that sex is just a fun act starts to shut down the physical...to the one who experiences emotional with the physical, it feels like the LD spouse no longer loves them...so the emotional side starts shutting down and the LD is upset because the other starts emotionally shutting down.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think?


Bottom line......no sex, no marriage....

It is not "somewhat the start".....and it is not something you "feel"..... please, whatever else you do, eliminate this language of denial from your life. What you have IS a failed marriage. And it is the TRUTH, not a feeling. This does not mean your failed marriage cannot be made successful again, if you are willing to do the heavy lifting, and accept the responsibility for it's success.

Let me ask you a serious question......

How would you feel, if today, your husband came home and confessed to having an affair ?

The answer to that question determines what you should do. If you would be angry and deeply hurt, you need to either work on your marriage, or get out before it happens.

If you wouldn't really care, you need to get out.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TJW said:


> Bottom line......no sex, no marriage....


Whose bottom line? There are lots of marriages with no sex... both husband and wife happy with it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Whose bottom line? There are lots of marriages with no sex... both husband and wife happy with it.


Well, if they were both happy with no sex, they wouldn't have started a thread on TAM, wouldn't be posting here. I can't imagine how there could be "lots" of marriages where both spouses are "happy" with no sex. If that were true, would think there would be a bunch of people posting on TAM about how all of this energy around sexless marriages is ridiculous. Instead there are pages and pages about trying to fix or escape sexless marriage.

I will confess, it is a little confusing why the OP started the thread unless she is looking for validation.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TJW said:


> *Bottom line......no sex, no marriage....*
> 
> It is not "somewhat the start".....and it is not something you "feel"..... please, whatever else you do, eliminate this language of denial from your life. What you have IS a failed marriage. And it is the TRUTH, not a feeling. This does not mean your failed marriage cannot be made successful again, if you are willing to do the heavy lifting, and accept the responsibility for it's success.
> 
> ...


This ^^^^^


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You hit the nail on the head OP it probably is the start of a failed marriage. If you don’t want that to be the case then one or both of you need to change what you’re doing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Well, if they were both happy with no sex, they wouldn't have started a thread on TAM, wouldn't be posting here. I can't imagine how there could be "lots" of marriages where both spouses are "happy" with no sex. If that were true, would think there would be a bunch of people posting on TAM about how all of this energy around sexless marriages is ridiculous. Instead there are pages and pages about trying to fix or escape sexless marriage.
> 
> I will confess, it is a little confusing why the OP started the thread unless she is looking for validation.


Mine was a general observation, not pertaining this thread. TJW seemed to imply that if there is no sex there is no marriage. But this not true. Many couples are sexless and happy.
In the case of the OP, I think she is indeed looking for validation, but she has a point: sex without the emotional connection is just an exercise in mechanics.


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## abigailla (Jul 14, 2021)

Several options are possible here. Try something new in sex or set up a date with your husband, meet a friend again


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Mine was a general observation, not pertaining this thread. TJW seemed to imply that if there is no sex there is no marriage. But this not true. Many couples are sexless and happy.
> In the case of the OP, I think she is indeed looking for validation, but she has a point: sex without the emotional connection is just an exercise in mechanics.


 we are all different for some sex is just sex as you say mechanics but that can be good to , hor some with out love they don't want sex 
we call that making love 
some are happy not having sex and find it more of a duty or a job that pleasure , and some of these don't mind given the other person the freedom to get it outside 
some whan to even know every detail others want to know nothing 
we are all different


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Many couples are sexless and happy.


"Many" is such a subjective term. In this case, it probably means "a very low percentage of".


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

if sex is more than the physical part (and I agree with that idea) then sex = physical intimacy + emotional intimacy.
But if you are saying , as your post implies but does not state, sex is other than the physical part then your equation looks more complicated sex = emotional intimacy and sex does not include physical intimacy. if that is your equation then I don't agree because then sex would be indistinguishable from friendship.
your husband may not be interested in maintaining the legal entanglements of marriage for a simple friendship. I wouldn't.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> "Many" is such a subjective term. In this case, it probably means "a very low percentage of".


Said Mr. Objective...


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


Sex is how men bond to women. If you don't want to have sex with your husband then part ways. Your marriage has failed if the best you can do is pretend, avoid and lie to your husband about this issue. Successful marriages are built on trust and communication. You will eventually succeed in undermining both on your present course.

Life is short. Be honest with your husband so that you can both part ways and find more compatible partners.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

I guess I’m beginning to become jaded about relationships. But can any long term relationship really sustain interest, desire, and attraction for the entire duration? It seems like after the first 2-3 years that begins to fade and it takes a lot of effort to keep it up and in a way that doesn’t feel natural. I’m just speaking from my own experiences. But if confronted she’ll say “of course I’m still attracted to you, nothing has changed!” and then it’s like well, maybe you could act like it once in a while? And why haven’t we had sex in two months?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think there are lots of couples attracted to one another after many years. 
It surprises me that people lose attraction after 2 or 3 years. I always saw my ex as she was the day we married. Same as true of the other 3 women I’ve loved.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife showed up in bed DTF yesterday and after almost 25 years I can confirm still attracted.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think there are lots of couples attracted to one another after many years.
> It surprises me that people lose attraction after 2 or 3 years. I always saw my ex as she was the day we married. Same as true of the other 3 women I’ve loved.


And I see her the same way after ten years too. I just wonder does she see me the same way? She says she does but low desire on her part always makes me wonder. We did it the other night and it was fine except for the beginning where we were kissing and she slapped my hand away from touching and said “I don’t like to be touched down there, it gives me anxiety and makes me tense up”. That was a total wtf moment. Who says that to their husband?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> I guess I’m beginning to become jaded about relationships. *But can any long term relationship really sustain interest, desire, and attraction for the entire duration? *It seems like after the first 2-3 years that begins to fade and it takes a lot of effort to keep it up and in a way that doesn’t feel natural. I’m just speaking from my own experiences. But if confronted she’ll say “of course I’m still attracted to you, nothing has changed!” and then it’s like well, maybe you could act like it once in a while? And why haven’t we had sex in two months?


My answer is an emphatic YES!! Our bond has grown tighter as the years went by and trials tempered it like a blacksmith hammer strengthens steel


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think there are lots of couples attracted to one another after many years.
> It surprises me that people lose attraction after 2 or 3 years. I always saw my ex as she was the day we married. Same as true of the other 3 women I’ve loved.


I see my wife as the young teenager met so long ago.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That’s reAlly odd. I’m sorry. Never had a woman say that to me 


jjj858 said:


> And I see her the same way after ten years too. I just wonder does she see me the same way? She says she does but low desire on her part always makes me wonder. We did it the other night and it was fine except for the beginning where we were kissing and she slapped my hand away from touching and said “I don’t like to be touched down there, it gives me anxiety and makes me tense up”. That was a total wtf moment. Who says that to their husband?


That’s reAlly odd. I’m sorry. Never had a woman say that to me thankfully. The ex says all kinds of vile things to me upon divorce. So I know your pain.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

jjj858 said:


> And I see her the same way after ten years too. I just wonder does she see me the same way? She says she does but low desire on her part always makes me wonder. We did it the other night and it was fine except for the beginning where we were kissing and she slapped my hand away from touching and said “I don’t like to be touched down there, it gives me anxiety and makes me tense up”. That was a total wtf moment. Who says that to their husband?


At least she is communicating with you. Did you ask her how she liked to be touched?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> *she slapped my hand away from touching and said “I don’t like to be touched down there, it gives me anxiety and makes me tense up”.* That was a total wtf moment. Who says that to their husband?


Just curious if she was reiterating something communicated during previous encounters? Or was this "new news"? If the former, how else to let you know what she doesn't like? Most spouses very much know likes and dislikes of one another, so will assume this was a "new" out-of-the blue reaction that surprised you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

jjj858 said:


> Women’s Infidelity Stage One:
> 
> “Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach. The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective. They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.”


Where is this quoted from?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did you enthusiastically desire sex with him in the past? If so, what changed. If you never desired sex, have you considered the possibility that you are on the asexual spectrum.

In either case, a good sex life (whatever that means for the couple) is very important to a happy marriage. This is not a problem that will just go away, you need to talk to him. 

If the problem is him, then let him know so he can try to change. I expect he worries that the problem is him, even if you haven't said anything. 




whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Just curious if she was reiterating something communicated during previous encounters? Or was this "new news"? If the former, how else to let you know what she doesn't like? Most spouses very much know likes and dislikes of one another, so will assume this was a "new" out-of-the blue reaction that surprised you.


I guess I’ve assumed during foreplay that some gentle sensual touching is normal. She’s always been what I described as “extra sensitive” but she has always seemed to go along with it fine. What’s more concerning to me is for to tell me that me touching her causes her anxiety. It never was that way in the past. I just feel like little by little more and more things are becoming off limits with her and I can’t help but take it as a reflection of maybe a declining attraction level on her part. I don’t know, it’s just really confusing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> I guess I’ve assumed during foreplay that some gentle sensual touching is normal. She’s always been what I described as “extra sensitive” but she has always seemed to go along with it fine. What’s more concerning to me is for to tell me that me touching her causes her anxiety. It never was that way in the past. I just feel like little by little more and more things are becoming off limits with her and I can’t help but take it as a reflection of maybe a declining attraction level on her part. I don’t know, it’s just really confusing.


Not confusing at all. Your own wife no longer wants you touching her, plain and simple. The mystery is why she doesn’t. Is it another man, or is she not in love with you? Either one is not likely fixed unless she wants it fixed, which is doubtful.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not confusing at all. Your own wife no longer wants you touching her, plain and simple. The mystery is why she doesn’t. Is it another man, or is she not in love with you? Either one is not likely fixed unless she wants it fixed, which is doubtful.


No other man at this point and believe me I’ve checked everything when she started acting different. That would be very hard for her to pull off with as perceptive as I am. It’s hard to say if she’s truly not in love with me anymore because she still says she is. She’s been taking birth control for the past year since giving birth so maybe that’s affected her drive. If I try to discuss anything like this like “is there a reason you don’t like me touching you?” she just turns it around on me and accuses me of being critical and emotionally abusive.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> I guess I’ve assumed during foreplay that some gentle sensual touching is normal. She’s always been what I described as “extra sensitive” but she has always seemed to go along with it fine. What’s more concerning to me is for to tell me that me touching her causes her anxiety. It never was that way in the past. I just feel like little by little more and more things are becoming off limits with her and I can’t help but take it as a reflection of maybe a declining attraction level on her part. I don’t know, it’s just really confusing.


FWIW, there are ways my wife would rather be touched, and those have changed somewhat over months and years. She has always gently conveyed her likes and dislikes. But, I can imagine that if she had told me several times she would rather I not touch her in a particular way, persisting would prompt a reaction.

In any event, you are feeling it as rejection and/or loss of attraction. And since you feel more and more is being "taken off of the table", wouldn't it be appropriate to have heart-to-heart with her away from the bedroom in time and space to discuss all of this. It always went best for us to just lay all of the cards face up on the table, and find a way forward agreeable to both of us.

OK, I just noticed she stonewalls when you try to discuss these things that are bothering you. I understood it wasn't touching her anywhere, just certain ways/places. She needs to appreciate that this is important stuff that has to be resolved. Maybe MC is appropriate ( Never thought I would suggest MC lol) somehow she has to engage with you before resentments eats your marriage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jjj858 said:


> I guess I’m beginning to become jaded about relationships. But can any long term relationship really sustain interest, desire, and attraction for the entire duration? It seems like after the first 2-3 years that begins to fade and it takes a lot of effort to keep it up and in a way that doesn’t feel natural. I’m just speaking from my own experiences. But if confronted she’ll say “of course I’m still attracted to you, nothing has changed!” and then it’s like well, maybe you could act like it once in a while? And why haven’t we had sex in two months?


My wife and i are eagerly waiting for my retirement so i can be home more to spend more time together. Been married 24 yrs. 4-5× week. She even wants sex while passing a kidney stone. Says maybe i will knock that thing loose and get it moving on out of there.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> Women’s Infidelity Stage One:
> 
> “Women at Stage 1 feel as though something is missing in their lives. They have all the things that they wanted—a home, a family, a great husband—but they feel they should be happier. Over time, many women in this stage begin to lose interest in sex. It is not uncommon for them to spend a great deal of energy trying to avoid physical contact with their husbands because they fear it might lead to a sexual encounter. They frequently complain of physical ailments to avoid having sex and often try to avoid going to bed at the same time as their husbands. They view sex as a job, not unlike doing the dishes or going to the grocery store. Some women in Stage 1 claim they feel violated when their husbands touch them. Their bodies freeze up and they feel tightness in their chest and/or a sick feeling in their stomach.* The majority of women in Stage 1 feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are in some way defective.* They are also fearful that their disinterest in sex will cause their husbands to cheat, or worse yet, leave them.”


Does this document have a name? Based on scientific psychological peer reviewed research? What does this document claim causes "stage 1"? Does the document confirm that indeed there IS something wrong with them? I would think that their "fears" are indeed justified. But since they don't want sex with their husbands would think they would be HAPPY if their husbands left them. Something isn't making sense with this document.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Whose bottom line? There are lots of marriages with no sex... both husband and wife happy with it.


Sure, if you’re both 80 maybe. For the VAST majority of humans, no sex = no marriage. That’s the bottom line and a general expectation for most people.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> For the VAST majority of humans, no sex = no marriage. That’s the bottom line and a general expectation for most people.


Totally agree.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Sure, if you’re both 80 maybe. For the VAST majority of humans, no sex = no marriage. That’s the bottom line and a general expectation for most people.


I don't think age matters, would submit that majority of people WANT intimacy no matter how old they are. Just because our body gets old doesn't mean the fire goes out, inside we are still in our 20s. We are sexual creatures until we die. Heck, there are affairs going on in nursing homes where the residents are old AND sick.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jjj858 said:


> No other man at this point and believe me I’ve checked everything when she started acting different. That would be very hard for her to pull off with as perceptive as I am. It’s hard to say if she’s truly not in love with me anymore because she still says she is. She’s been taking birth control for the past year since giving birth so maybe that’s affected her drive. If I try to discuss anything like this like “is there a reason you don’t like me touching you?” she just turns it around on me and accuses me of being critical and emotionally abusive.


Her actions (which are FAR more relevant than her words) indicate that she is not in love with you and doesn’t desire you.

Maybe her hormones are out of whack.
Maybe there’s another man that caught her attention, or worse.
Maybe she lost respect for you, and therefore lost attraction and desire for you
Maybe she was never that attracted to you but settled based on other factors and doesn’t want to put forth the effort anymore.

Whatever the reason, she’s not into you as a man. The question now is what are you going to DO?
Here’s what NOT to do:
Don’t beg her for sex / enthusiastic sex
Don’t act butthurt when she rejects you or offers disinterested duty sex
Don’t accept disinterested duty sex, just say never mind, you’re not into it - but don’t pout about it
Don’t be emotionally reactive
Don’t react to her, operate in your own frame


OP: apologies for contributing to the thread-jack. Hope you come back, we needy more info to offer relevant guidance.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


File for divorce and set him free or find a way of wanting sex with him.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


This is a very passive-aggressive, hurtful way to deal with your feelings. You aren't being fair to your husband, or yourself.

I believe with the expectation of monogamy comes a responsibility to your partner, to either be honest about your issues and WORK ON THEM...or to release your partner in some way so they can move on and have their sexual needs taken care of by someone else (either ending your relationship or opening your marriage, etc).

You are trying to disconnect from him and your negative feelings, but this will only create more, larger problems in your relationship going forward. If you value your marriage and your future with him, you owe it to him and yourself AND your marriage to figure out what the problem is for you and find a way to resolve it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Talking to thin air here. OP has 1 post, a month ago, and hasn't replied or even checked back in since.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Whose bottom line? There are lots of marriages with no sex... both husband and wife happy with it.


One partner is always unhappy about it, but may not profess their misery.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@whereisthismarriagegoing, 

How are you doing? Just want to check on you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


There are so many posts of guys complaining their wife doesn't want to have sex with them anymore that there's no way to avoid that it's pretty common. I honestly just think it's something that happens after you've been together for a certain amount of time and are just no longer mentally and emotionally stimulated by them. Many men on the other hand still feel like having sex even if they don't feel connected to you. About the only thing that puts a damper on them is if the woman gets fat. It's a number one priority for them so they really don't understand why it's not for the woman as well. 

Of course there are many reasons. Lots of times it happens after someone has children for a variety of reasons. They're focused on the kids and/or the man is making them mad because they don't feel he's doing his part. 

I think at some point some women just realize that some men don't really have deep feelings for them and that makes them lose the emotional spark, but along with that, you just have to realize that if sex is their number one priority, they will often leave you for sex or cheat on you. They will completely disrupt the family to get sex if it's the most important thing to them and it seems to be for the majority of them if going by this forum is any indication.

So I think the prevailing attitude of men on this forum is that women have a duty to have sex with their husbands whether they want to or not. I totally disagree with that, but I wouldn't venture so far as to advise someone to pack it up and leave because that's something only they can decide. I just wanted to caution you that men get very bent out of shape about it, so don't expect it to go unnoticed. It will cause a big stink at some point. 

This seems to be something that's kind of come about and gotten worse in the last couple of decades. In my mother's generation, before birth control, men seemed to just know they're going to have to masturbate after the wife had shut down the baby factory at a certain age. 

So don't expect it to go unnoticed and have no consequences.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Whose bottom line? There are lots of marriages with no sex... both husband and wife happy with it.


Yes, I know a high drive woman who's marriage is much happier now that neither one of them is interested in sex anymore. Before all it did was cause tension.

Sex is just not usually a woman's number one priority in her family life. For a lot of men it is.
I think it's horrible that a man would put his sex life above his family.

Anyway there's no guarantee he will ever get laid regularly again so divorce isn't always the answer, but expect him to go online and see what he can stir up before he hauls off and takes the chance.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It was common at one time for middle to older age couples to move into separate bedrooms. That way the man could masturbate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It was common at one time for middle to older age couples to move into separate bedrooms. That way the man could masturbate.


Lol. Whatever.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It was common at one time for middle to older age couples to move into separate bedrooms. That way the man could masturbate.


Interesting assumption.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This seems to be something that's kind of come about and gotten worse in the last couple of decades. In my mother's generation, before birth control, men seemed to just know they're going to have to masturbate after the wife had shut down the baby factory at a certain age.


That's funny, I know one set of my grandparents (one born in 1913 and the other 1923) still enjoyed sharing sex well into their late 70s & 80s.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It was common at one time for middle to older age couples to move into separate bedrooms. That way the man could masturbate.


It was also common for those same men to instead get sex elsewhere, either through affair partners or via the services of sex workers.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

MEA said:


> I think many of the comments here are unfair. There is not enough information given to make assumptions.


this is for sure!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Mine was a general observation, not pertaining this thread. TJW seemed to imply that if there is no sex there is no marriage. But this not true. *Many couples* are sexless and happy.


i would instead say that ONE of them is happy. the other is here on TAM asking why their spouse does not want to have sex with them anymore, and if they should get divorced!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Mine was a general observation, not pertaining this thread. TJW seemed to imply that if there is no sex there is no marriage. But this not true. *Many couples are sexless and happy.*


I would disagree with it being "many"...I think most people are willing to be monogamous because they expect that agreeing to monogamy equals a sexual relationship with that person. When that is unilaterally taken away from you, there is understandably questions, a feeling of being tricked, and resentment.

NO ONE should have their sexual self smothered without their consent. And like I've said before...WHY put up with that, when we wouldn't put up with our partner invalidating any other part of ourselves?? 

It just seems like, to many people, EVERYTHING ELSE is more important to fight for and to feel entitled to in a relationship than sex...and I don't understand that at all. If my partner wants me to give him the keys to my sex life, he had better take care of it and make it a priority to himself...or else, release me to have a sex life with someone who WANTS that with me!

Sex is the only reason to be monogamous with someone...and I wouldn't allow any other need I have to be invalidated by my partner...so why would I ever accept my sexual self to be ignored and invalidated??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Some people are just scared as hell to be alone, even if their current person is like having a pet rock


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sex is just not usually a woman's number one priority in her family life. For a lot of men it is.
> I think it's horrible that a man would put his sex life above his family.


I think it's horrible that a woman is prepared to risk her marriage for something that take so little time and effort on her part. How unpleasant can 5 minutes once a week actually be?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So I think the prevailing attitude of men on this forum is that women have a duty to have sex with their husbands whether they want to or not.


I completely disagree with this. 

I do not think the attitude of men on this forum is that women should have duty sex with them whether they want to or not. 

I think the prevailing attitude here is the exact opposite and the men want their wives to sincerely desire them and want them and WANT to be intimate with them. 

Now yes there is a sense of frustration and at times even resentment but that to me seems to be more geared towards what the guy percieves as lack of effort in addressing the issues,,,, but I have never gotten the feeling that these men want their wives to do something that they fundamentally do not want to do. 

This is my own thoughts and opinions on the concept of "duty" but I do not believe anyone has a "duty" to provide sex if it is not wanted. But I do believe that both men and women have a duty to try to maintain open channels of communication and each make a good faith effort to maintain desirability and meet the others needs, both sexual and nonsexual.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It was common at one time for middle to older age couples to move into separate bedrooms. That way the man could masturbate.


We sleep in separate bedrooms, but it's not so I can spank. It's because she kicks and thrashes and gets up a number of times to the bathroom and insists on having cats in the bedroom (she's getting a good start on being a crazy cat lady) and I snore. 

We both have very stressful and demanding careers (I'll just say Covid) and what sleep we can get is a priority.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Personal said:


> That's funny, I know one set of my grandparents (one born in 1913 and the other 1923) still enjoyed sharing sex well into their late 70s & 80s.


My own grandparents had 13 children, but it wasn't within her control.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I think it's horrible that a woman is prepared to risk her marriage for something that take so little time and effort on her part. How unpleasant can 5 minutes once a week actually be?


It's very unpleasant to have sex with someone who or when you don't want to. No woman should have to do it. If it doesn't bother them that much, then that's great, but it can be traumatic for them to have to have sex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think it's horrible that a man would put his sex life above his family.


That's why I waited for the empty nest when the sex stopped. But then, I was blamed for not having a backbone... I don't think I can "win" here...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> That's why I waited for the empty nest when the sex stopped. But then, I was blamed for not having a backbone... I don't think I can "win" here...


You're probably right about that. Sometimes it just is what it is and there's no winning.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You're probably right about that. Sometimes it just is what it is and there's no winning.


Yes... and also, when I said I wanted to separate because we were brother and sister, I was accused by my wife of leaving her because of sex. It wasn't. We lost the connection, because we couldn't resolve our issues.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> That's why I waited for the empty nest when the sex stopped. But then, I was blamed for not having a backbone... I don't think I can "win" here...


Which is why you need to do what is right for YOU, and then you don't have to feel like a victim about it. Make your choices and live the life that you want, and embrace your choice, whichever one you make!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Which is why you need to do what is right for YOU, and then you don't have to feel like a victim about it. Make your choices and live the life that you want, and embrace your choice, whichever one you make!


Yes, this what I'm doing now, but family's pressures are sometimes immense and you can't escape without lots of collateral damage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No man wants duty sex. Just because your husband was a loser doesn’t mean all men are. 
our past experiences do train us to detect bad parts of people more easily. I know you see the bad in a lot of men now more readily, just as I see it in a lot of women. But I’m looking for a good one and know they’re out there. Somewhere. It’s sad that most people aren’t worthy of a relationship with anyone. That’s why the boards or full of problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I think it's horrible that a woman is prepared to risk her marriage for something that take so little time and effort on her part. How unpleasant can 5 minutes once a week actually be?


5 minutes? If that's all 'love making" is then it's not worth having. Geez

Further, no one should be expect to have sex out of obligation. The very idea is disgusting. Instead, there is a problem in the relationship. The couple needs to work together to fix the problems. With that the desire/passion returns.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> 5 minutes? If that's all 'love making" is then it's not worth having. Geez
> 
> Further, no one should be expect to have sex out of obligation. The very idea is disgusting. Instead, there is a problem in the relationship. The couple needs to work together to fix the problems. With that the desire/passion returns.


By the time the relationship has descended to this point, it is IMO beyond repair. The problem either started or ended with the intimacy disappearing. If the very idea of being intimate with the one a person married has become disgusting, its hard to imagine that desire and passion could ever return under any circumstances. Also hard to imagine why either would care to work 'together' with someone they despise and who fills them with disgust. The problems aren't fixable, all goodwill has disappeared.

Just stick a fork in the marriage, it is done. File the paperwork ASAP to formalize the death and bury it's stinking corpse. Chalk it up to experience.

I can't imagine that either gender has any desire for sex with someone who considers it some sort of an obligation.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> No man wants duty sex. Just because your husband was a loser doesn’t mean all men are.
> our past experiences do train us to detect bad parts of people more easily. I know you see the bad in a lot of men now more readily, just as I see it in a lot of women. But I’m looking for a good one and know they’re out there. Somewhere. It’s sad that most people aren’t worthy of a relationship with anyone. That’s why the boards or full of problems.


Who are you posting to...? Because I don't think the OP said she was actually leaving her husband...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

there are a LOT of opinions on this topic. and a lot of threads here.

let me summarize
1) a woman does not have to submit sexually to a man every time he wants it
2) a woman that seldom does, will not stay married to said husband for very long.

that is all


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> By the time the relationship has descended to this point, it is IMO beyond repair.


The fact is that many marriages that reach this point are not beyond repair. There are things that a couple can do to restructure their relationship and bring back the passion. People who find themselves in this situation should at least be provided with the information that help them. Then if they choose to not try, then that's on them. In my opinion, it's wrong to just push a person to divorce, shame them, etc. instead.



Rus47 said:


> The problem either started or ended with the intimacy disappearing. If the very idea of being intimate with the one a person married has become disgusting, its hard to imagine that desire and passion could ever return under any circumstances. Also hard to imagine why either would care to work 'together' with someone they despise and who fills them with disgust. The problems aren't fixable, all goodwill has disappeared.
> 
> Just stick a fork in the marriage, it is done. File the paperwork ASAP to formalize the death and bury it's stinking corpse. Chalk it up to experience.
> 
> I can't imagine that either gender has any desire for sex with someone who considers it some sort of an obligation.


I've seen a LOT of couples work past this and get their relationship back to a good place.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> Who are you posting to...? Because I don't think the OP said she was actually leaving her husband...


Downriver


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Further, no one should be expect to have sex out of obligation. The very idea is disgusting. Instead, there is a problem in the relationship. The couple needs to work together to fix the problems. With that the desire/passion returns.


Interesting PoV,
My wife doesn't have to have sex (1hr/week) with me out of obligation ........
But I need to work 40-60hrs/week (in a job I despised) to support her and the kids out of obligation.

Isn't marriage all about obligation to your spouse?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Interesting PoV,
> My wife doesn't have to have sex (1hr/week) with me out of obligation ........
> But I need to work 40-60hrs/week (in a job I despised) to support her and the kids out of obligation.
> 
> Isn't marriage all about obligation to your spouse?


What does your wife do? Does she take care of the children, house, shopping, cooking, etc? She does those things out of obligation.

Sex in marriage should be about love and passion not obligation.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> What does your wife do? Does she take care of the children, house, shopping, cooking, etc? She does those things out of obligation.
> Sex in marriage should be about love and passion not obligation.


Marriage is traditionally about duty, obligation, land acquisition and raising the next generation.
Most of the world still follows that tradition.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> 5 minutes? If that's all 'love making" is then it's not worth having. Geez
> 
> Further, no one should be expect to have sex out of obligation. The very idea is disgusting. Instead, there is a problem in the relationship. The couple needs to work together to fix the problems. With that the desire/passion returns.


Agree completely, but it takes two. Agreeing to a schedule is a poor substitute for desire and spontaneity. However, it’s an attempt at preserving the familial relationship.

If one spouse cannot meet the other spouse’s sexual needs, the marriage is not much more that a friendship, which is not an acceptable substitute for a loving and passionate marriage.

No sex? No marriage. If the job is too stressful, find another job. If the spouse gains weight or otherwise let’s himself go, tell him in plain English and let him go. Quit harassing each other until you hate each other. There are better ways to live.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> What does your wife do? Does she take care of the children, house, shopping, cooking, etc? She does those things out of obligation.
> 
> Sex in marriage should be about love and passion not obligation.


The reality is that the modern marriage is a blend between a sexually romantic relationship and a compromise and obligation relationship and so actually really saying that certain parts of that relationship should be entirely free of compromise and obligation to some extent is not really a realistic representation of married life.

The only couples I know who have worked themselves out of a significant sexual rut (including me and my wife) are those that have started with compromise and a commitment to change. The rekindling of the sexual romance always comes out of that, not the other way around and it does, I'm afraid it does create somewhat of an obligation on each partner if they want to remain in the marriage.

What I think frustrates most men is this idea that some wives seem to have that they can neglect and cease the sexual side of a marriage and keep the parts they like l, such as access to their husband's earnings and time. Sadly many men fail to see the power they still have in situations like this and just feel hopeless. I'm not sure that these women really grasp the deep emotional damage they are doing, certainly I've read a number of blogs by marriage counsellors that state that in many cases the wife is completely unaware that the lack of sex is why they are sat with their husbands in the counsellor's office and it takes a good therapist to open up a wounded man to tell them, in front of their wives, that they are deeply hurting from a lack of sexual intimacy.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> The reality is that the modern marriage is a blend between a sexually romantic relationship and a compromise and obligation relationship and so actually really saying that certain parts of that relationship should be entirely free of compromise and obligation to some extent is not really a realistic representation of married life.
> 
> The only couples I know who have worked themselves out of a significant sexual rut (including me and my wife) are those that have started with compromise and a commitment to change. The rekindling of the sexual romance always comes out of that, not the other way around and it does, I'm afraid it does create somewhat of an obligation on each partner if they want to remain in the marriage.
> 
> What I think frustrates most men is this idea that some wives seem to have that they can neglect and cease the sexual side of a marriage and keep the parts they like l, such as access to their husband's earnings and time. Sadly many men fail to see the power they still have in situations like this and just feel hopeless. I'm not sure that these women really grasp the deep emotional damage they are doing, certainly* I've read a number of blogs by marriage counsellors that state that in many cases the wife is completely unaware that the lack of sex is why they are sat with their husbands *in the counsellor's office and it takes a good therapist to open up a wounded man to tell them, in front of their wives, that they are deeply hurting from a lack of sexual intimacy.


Surely this can't be true! Surely any counselor blogging has enough insight to know the wife knows full well what she is doing. How in the world could any wife be completely unaware that lack of sex is a problem for their husband??!! Before they paid through the nose for a third party to listen, he surely told the wife hundreds of times that he wanted sex, needed sex, had to have sex. 

Surely every female living on this planet, knows from a very early age that males want sex with females, (and visa versa) if they observe nature they know that is how everyone of every species got here.. And men don't stand and make vows because they are ok with no sex in a marriage. The reverse applies as well, every man knows his wife wants sex, just maybe not with him. This idea that humans are clueless about the facts of life is IMO a myth.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Surely this can't be true! Surely any counselor blogging has enough insight to know the wife knows full well what she is doing. How in the world could any wife be completely unaware that lack of sex is a problem for their husband??!! Before they paid through the nose for a third party to listen,* he surely told the wife hundreds of times that he wanted sex, needed sex, had to have sex*.
> 
> Surely every female living on this planet, knows from a very early age that males want sex with females, (and visa versa) if they observe nature they know that is how everyone of every species got here.. And men don't stand and make vows because they are ok with no sex in a marriage. The reverse applies as well, every man knows his wife wants sex, just maybe not with him. This idea that humans are clueless about the facts of life is IMO a myth.


My take on it is that the wife knows very well, but then she feels under pressure ("I have to do this") and she loses any inclination to have sex with her husband. This escalates. Husband gets more upset and maybe even verbally abusive (or 180) and becomes even more unattractive. The wife doesn't feel safe in the relationship. It's a vicious circle. Even if the wife discusses this with her husband, the pressure is still there. The trick is solving the source of the lack of libido. This can be due to several factors. Telling your wife you want sex, doesn't solve the problem. She knows...


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Surely this can't be true! Surely any counselor blogging has enough insight to know the wife knows full well what she is doing. How in the world could any wife be completely unaware that lack of sex is a problem for their husband??!! Before they paid through the nose for a third party to listen, he surely told the wife hundreds of times that he wanted sex, needed sex, had to have sex.
> 
> Surely every female living on this planet, knows from a very early age that males want sex with females, (and visa versa) if they observe nature they know that is how everyone of every species got here.. And men don't stand and make vows because they are ok with no sex in a marriage. The reverse applies as well, every man knows his wife wants sex, just maybe not with him. This idea that humans are clueless about the facts of life is IMO a myth.


According to the blogs I've seen these women are aware that it is an issue, but not THE issue. They are going to counsellors because their husbands might be distant, irritable, angry, had an affair, etc. Those that make it to a counsellor are a subset of sexless marriages, remember. The idea that in all marriages that end up in the counsellor's office the communication is good enough that a husband can clearly communicate the issue and be understood is a wishful thinking in my opinion.

My experience is that assuming people are knowledgeable and aware about something is usually a greater mistake than assuming they aren't.

I'm sure I'm not alone in having tried to directly communicate the sex issues to my wife and ended up in an argument and not really being listened too. That is why I tend to advise husbands to address the emotional and relationship issues caused by lack of sex rather than the lack of sex itself. It was what help me make a breakthrough with my wife.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> My take on it is that the wife knows very well, but then she feels under pressure ("I have to do this") and she loses any inclination to have sex with her husband. This escalates. Husband gets more upset and maybe even verbally abusive (or 180) and becomes even more unattractive. The wife doesn't feel safe in the relationship. It's a vicious circle. Even if the wife discusses this with her husband, the pressure is still there. The trick is solving the source of the lack of libido. This can be due to several factors. Telling your wife you want sex, doesn't solve the problem. *She knows*...


Exactly. So if a person ( who once claimed to love a spouse and claimed to want to spend the rest of their lives as *one *with them) *knows* a core need that the spouse has ( that they once promised to provide ) and knows that is a core part of the relationship ( they both agreed to nurture ) feigns surprise, they are being totally *dishonest.* They are *gaslighting* and* lying *to the person they promised to love and cherish as their spouse. How about just telling the old man (or woman) "I don't want to have sex with you ever again, and I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do"? "We can be friends ( on MY terms ), but I just don't love you that way anymore". How about being honest instead of pretending they have no idea why they are sitting with a highly paid referee? 

BTW, the man doesn't feel "safe" either tied to someone he once thought loved and cared about him, someone who deceived him and continues lying to him to get what SHE wants. He feels *TRAPPED *because it will cost him everything to get loose from the web he is tangled in.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Exactly. So if a person ( who once claimed to love a spouse and claimed to want to spend the rest of their lives as *one *with them) *knows* a core need that the spouse has ( that they once promised to provide ) and knows that is a core part of the relationship ( they both agreed to nurture ) feigns surprise, they are being totally *dishonest.* They are *gaslighting* and* lying *to the person they promised to love and cherish as their spouse. How about just telling the old man (or woman) "I don't want to have sex with you ever again, and I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do"? "We can be friends ( on MY terms ), but I just don't love you that way anymore". How about being honest instead of pretending they have no idea why they are sitting with a highly paid referee?
> 
> BTW, the man doesn't feel "safe" either tied to someone he once thought loved and cared about him, someone who deceived him and continues lying to him to get what SHE wants. He feels *TRAPPED *because it will cost him everything to get loose from the web he is tangled in.





Rus47 said:


> Exactly. So if a person ( who once claimed to love a spouse and claimed to want to spend the rest of their lives as *one *with them) *knows* a core need that the spouse has ( that they once promised to provide ) and knows that is a core part of the relationship ( they both agreed to nurture ) feigns surprise, they are being totally *dishonest.* They are *gaslighting* and* lying *to the person they promised to love and cherish as their spouse. How about just telling the old man (or woman) "I don't want to have sex with you ever again, and I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do"? "We can be friends ( on MY terms ), but I just don't love you that way anymore". How about being honest instead of pretending they have no idea why they are sitting with a highly paid referee?
> 
> BTW, the man doesn't feel "safe" either tied to someone he once thought loved and cared about him, someone who deceived him and continues lying to him to get what SHE wants. He feels *TRAPPED *because it will cost him everything to get loose from the web he is tangled in.


You are making the fatal mistake of assuming that there is malice aforethought behind the actions of a wife who no longer desires sex (or sufficiently frequent sex) with their husbands. Certainly this is the case in some cases, but not all. Your are also assuming that this is the only issue in any given situation.

We are, by the very definition, talking about dysfunctional relationships here. Saying "surely they should just say it straightforwardly" kind of ignores that fact and that healthy communication is often not possible.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I'm sure I'm not alone in having tried to directly communicate the sex issues to my wife and ended up in an argument and not really being listened too. That is why I tend to advise husbands to address the emotional and relationship issues caused by lack of sex rather than the lack of sex itself. It was what help me make a breakthrough with my wife.


I agree with you. That's where I failed. That said, my wife had mental issues and she didn't communicate with me. Even when we went to counselling, I said that my problem was lack of sex, whilst my wife was focusing on my drinking and smoking (direct consequence of the lack of sex). She didn't get it, but she failed to tell me what the real issue was. I made many mistakes, but the lack of communication was a massive. In hindsight, we lost the emotional connection and I didn't understand it. It boils down to this.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> According to the blogs I've seen these women are aware that it is an issue, but not THE issue. They are going to counsellors because their husbands might be distant, irritable, angry, had an affair, etc. Those that make it to a counsellor are a subset of sexless marriages, remember. The idea that in all marriages that end up in the counsellor's office the communication is good enough that a husband can clearly communicate the issue and be understood is a wishful thinking in my opinion.
> 
> My experience is that assuming people are knowledgeable and aware about something is usually a greater mistake than assuming they aren't.
> 
> *I'm sure I'm not alone in having tried to directly communicate the sex issues to my wife and ended up in an argument and not really being listened too. *That is why I tend to advise husbands to address the emotional and relationship issues caused by lack of sex rather than the lack of sex itself. It was what help me make a breakthrough with my wife.


The fact that it ended in an argument proves that your wife didn't want to hear what you had to say, and knew fully that her behavior was aggravating the problem(s). She didn't want to have a discussion about the subject. It isn't always on the husband to "address" things. There are a lot of threads on here with the husband turning somersaults trying to get his *WIFE* ( one half of the ONE they are supposed to be ) to show him some affection, and the more he tries the more she tightens the screws. It is ABUSE, and a man shouldn't tolerate that anymore than a woman would tolerate abuse from the man.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

AGoodFlogging said:


> You are making the fatal mistake of assuming that there is malice aforethought behind the actions of a wife who no longer desires sex (or sufficiently frequent sex) with their husbands. Certainly this is the case in some cases, but not all. Your are also assuming that this is the only issue in any given situation.
> 
> We are, by the very definition, talking about dysfunctional relationships here. Saying "surely they should just say it straightforwardly" kind of ignores that fact and that healthy communication is often not possible.


Yes, my wife didn't do with malice. She just didn't get it and I didn't get it that she didn't get it. We weren't really compatible with each other and not equipped to deal properly with life an kids. After many years of pressure, we crumbled. Sad, but inevitable. Even if I did what was I supposed to do, we would have failed.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Exactly. So if a person ( who once claimed to love a spouse and claimed to want to spend the rest of their lives as *one *with them) *knows* a core need that the spouse has ( that they once promised to provide ) and knows that is a core part of the relationship ( they both agreed to nurture ) feigns surprise, they are being totally *dishonest.* They are *gaslighting* and* lying *to the person they promised to love and cherish as their spouse. How about just telling the old man (or woman) "I don't want to have sex with you ever again, and I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do"? "We can be friends ( on MY terms ), but I just don't love you that way anymore". How about being honest instead of pretending they have no idea why they are sitting with a highly paid referee?
> 
> BTW, the man doesn't feel "safe" either tied to someone he once thought loved and cared about him, someone who deceived him and continues lying to him to get what SHE wants. He feels *TRAPPED *because it will cost him everything to get loose from the web he is tangled in.


I don't think is "malice" per se. In my case it was selfishness and lack of communication. Also, my wife didn't want to split the family. She ended up giving me duty (goo quality  ) sex to keep me there. Maybe she was a tad mentally dishonest, but I understand why she did it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> The fact that it ended in an argument proves that your wife didn't want to hear what you had to say, and knew fully that her behavior was aggravating the problem(s). She didn't want to have a discussion about the subject. It isn't always on the husband to "address" things. There are a lot of threads on here with the husband turning somersaults trying to get his *WIFE* ( one half of the ONE they are supposed to be ) to show him some affection, and the more he tries the more she tightens the screws. It is ABUSE, and a man shouldn't tolerate that anymore than a woman would tolerate abuse from the man.


Yes, I have seen many cases like this on the board too.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> This idea that humans are clueless about the facts of life is IMO a myth.


I would say it's a deliberate left wing feminist agenda to destroy western society.
Our current society is doing everything it can to discourage women having sex with men.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

It is a mistake to think that sexual obligation, generates much if any sexual desire.


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## eyeamnicegirl (Dec 31, 2019)

I'm sure it is difficult for him. He promised his forever faithfulness to you (and yours to him), so now you are his only legitimate source for a good f**k, and you don't want to give it to him. I understand that eventually my guy will likely have health issues that might keep him from being able to give me what I want, but until that time gets here, I would be devastated if he simply didn't want to do it anymore. Have you sought counseling?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

One post wonder.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

To OP, I hope you are divorced by now and set your husband free.

there is nothing wrong with felling out of love, but there is a problem when you fell out of love and make your husband suffer for that.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Whose bottom line? There are lots of marriages with no sex... both husband and wife happy with it.


Tolerant? Many
Happy? Hmmmm


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## 352525 (Dec 4, 2021)

whereisthismarriagegoing said:


> *Lately I feel horrible, I don’t want to have sex with my husband. I pretend i’m really tired and i don’t bring it up. It’s really bad! I am really not attracted to him anymore because i feel like sex is deeper than the physical part of it. I feel like this is somewhat the start of a failed marriage. what do you guys think? *


You’re not attracted to him? Then divorce and let him find someone who is.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I don't think is "malice" per se. In my case it was selfishness and lack of communication. Also, my wife didn't want to split the family. She ended up giving me duty (goo quality  ) sex to keep me there. Maybe she was a tad mentally dishonest, but I understand why she did it.


I really wonder how you can have "duty" sex? I would never be able to do this. I am very sexual person and want sex daily. If I do not have sex more than two days in a row it starts affecting my life. However, I never approach my wife for sex if she is not in the mood no matter how much I want it. And I told her many times that if she does not want sex because if whatever reason and I missed the sign somehow just tell me, we we put it off until you are in the mood.

Having sex against someone's desire is horrible.


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