# Wife says she is no longer attracted to men



## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

I have read through many posts on TAM, but this is a first post for me. I am looking for some advice about my marriage. 

A little background first - married 10 years, together 12. 3 kids. 

I came back from a trip the other night - trips are irregular and last anywhere from 1-2 weeks - and she hit me with the, "I love you, but I am not In Love with you" line when we were going to bed. It crushed me to my soul. 

She went on to explain that the male form no longer excites her or interests her in any way. Not just me, but any male. She says that the idea of the female form is the only thing that gets her going. She says that she has not actually done anything with anyone else and I believe her. We have been faithful to each other the entire marriage (I have and she says she has as well). She said that she got a revelation while I was gone that the only thing that excites her is women. Not anyone specific, just women in general.

Since that night, we have had some of the best conversations ever in our marriage, but they do not change the fact that she is no longer interested in me. She says she is willing to explore ways in which we can ignite that flame again including seeing a marriage counselor. We have an appointment next week so we will see where that takes us. 

One of the problems that we have come up with is that we have not been willing to "talk" about our marriage for fear of conflict. At least we have been able to figure that out. 

She says that she has not been interested in sex for more than 5 years. Now there are several things that users will probably ask, body types, emotional levels of both parties, things like that. And I am sure there are some of those things going on, but she says that is not it.

One of the biggest problems that I have not been willing to face, or maybe I was just not willing to talk about is the fact that I have not been happy with our sex life for years either. A post on TAM said something about whether or not we were getting all of the crazy sex we thought we were going to get when we got married. Well, things started out OK, but after a few years, things became vanilla. I tried to spice things up, but to no avail. I don't want this thread to become about sex, because I believe there is more going on in our marriage than just sex (because there certainly isn't any going on now). We obviously have had a communication breakdown, and that is what I am looking for out of this post. 

I would like to get some advice, hear from others going through a similar thing, and try to understand from a female's perspective what causes a woman to just fall out of love with her man. 

I would consider myself an easy going guy, not controlling, not demanding, but willing to stand my ground. I help around the house (she even complimented me on that - helping with kids, meals, cleaning) - and yes I am just an everyday kind of man. I think I have a great sense of humor, enjoy being around my wife, look for affection from her (but she does not return it) - not in a sexual way, but in a loving, caring kind of way. I guess I am more of a lovey, dovey kind of male that wants to feel loved by the touch of my wife. 

Please feel free to post on this thread. Any and all comments will be read.

Thanks


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

HMMM,

I find it hard to believe that she just relised that she was gay.I would ask her if she always thought women were arousing?

Start snooping maybe she has a lover.


I guess its possible that she was in deninal about her sexuality all these years and if that is truly the case then I don't know what to tell you. I think I would be thinking it was time to move on.

seems like thats what she wants or why else mention to your husband. Oh by the way I am not attracted to men any more.

I'm betting she has a lover


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's not that uncommon for people to come to terms with their sexual preferences later in life. Often they suppress it for years and years in fear of being ostracized or judged based on religion or moral upbringing.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Hmm she might very well not be. I was reading a similar story though it was a Lesbian woman who realised she was straight and no longer attracted to women.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

I am not so sure about a lover or other EA's. W and I have not really hit it off for quite awhile. Things seems to have been missing on a few cylinders. I have told her of my need for closeness in the past and things seem to get better, but only for awhile. I have to be honest and say that I have felt like we have only had sex in the last few years, and never actually made love. 

The love I have for is very deep. I believe in the marriage vows and that we should be together forever (even though I have been divorced before), I was under the impression this one was for life. I want this to work, but I don't want to come across as the whiny H either. I feel like I have put my foot down and told her how it is going to be. However, things just seem to be constantly going in the wrong direction.


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## 1990 (Mar 3, 2012)

I am female and i think that Just because she's interested in women may not mean that she's gay. I have been married for a over ten years and I have always found female bodies more of a turn on than the male body. I still like the male body, and don't get me wrong - I am not gay, nor bisexual. I love sex with my hubby, we sometimes look at porn together and it's the female bodies that I like, even lesbian porn. Have you tried exploring this with her. Are you really as affectionate as you think you are? Maybe she thinks a female will be more affectionate with her rather than a male. I know that my hubby thinks he's pretty affectionate, but I tend to disagree a lot of the time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I had a married friend who decided she was a lesbian. After a few years of that she decided she did not like being a lesbian and went back to men.

There is no telling what she is going through. Have you asked her how she came to this realization? What was her process? The answer to this could be very revealing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

1990 said:


> I am female and i think that Just because she's interested in women may not mean that she's gay. I have been married for a over ten years and I have always found female bodies more of a turn on than the male body. I still like the male body, and don't get me wrong - I am not gay, nor bisexual. I love sex with my hubby, we sometimes look at porn together and it's the female bodies that I like, even lesbian porn. Have you tried exploring this with her. Are you really as affectionate as you think you are? Maybe she thinks a female will be more affectionate with her rather than a male. I know that my hubby thinks he's pretty affectionate, but I tend to disagree a lot of the time!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you to a point as I find the female form very much a turn on. I also find a very well built man a turn on... I just like good looking naked bodies I think… 

But when it comes to sex I like men. I have no interest in being with a woman.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

For Females , Lesbianism is almost like a no problem trait...they find erotic pleasure in watching ***** sex...and doing it too.

but most straight men , never like the male homosexual act...they usually condemn it..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

How old are you and your wife? Have you gained weight, let yourself go? How is her health and looks compared to yours?

I think that if she were a closeted lesbian all these years you would have found out long before this. Could it be that she has never faced her bisexuality and is just going through a mid life crisis? 

Probably 75% of all married women fall out of love and attraction to their husbands at some point in their marriages, and maybe this is where your wife is at. Its easier for her to tell you she's bi or lesbian than to tell you that you are just not doing it for her anymore. 

Snoop on her computer, install a keylogger, check phone records, check her FB account to see if you can find signs of an affair.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

bandit.45 said:


> How old are you and your wife? Have you gained weight, let yourself go? How is her health and looks compared to yours?
> 
> I think that if she were a closeted lesbian all these years you would have found out long before this. Could it be that she has never faced her bisexuality and is just going through a mid life crisis?
> 
> ...


^^^ THis.

Your best move forward is to assume you have just been given a version of ILYBINILWY speech like any other ILYBINILWY speech and start snooping for the affair.

Except the OM is in all probability an OW, and your wife like many if not most women is bisexual or have bisexual tendancies.

Just because this ILYBINILWY speech happens to be dressed up like a spontaneous sexual orientation discovery, don't let this dissuade you or get you down or think that you do anything different than if it was another man.

An affair is an affair, and they are smashed the same ways: Snoop, confront, expose, then take steps to show you are moving on without her (180, lowering emotional thermostat, "man up", get a lawyer, etc).

This is the "cold water" to wake her up from her fog, the only "cold water" that is effective.


Don't get distracted by the smoke and mirrors and "male form" nonsense. 

Snoop, confront, expose the probably affair just like any other affair.

I wish you well.


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## hurtandc0nfused (Mar 2, 2012)

Hello everyone. Thanks for the comments so far. Please keep them coming. I am in my early 40's and she is in her late 30's. We have both gained a few pounds since we were married. I am doing something about it and have joined a gym to hit it hard and get back in shape. I am also doing a few things for myself to ensure I stay happy.

She admitted to me early last year that she was turned on by the female form, maybe considered herself bi, but never took things further than that. I believe her when she says there is no affair. We explored different things like watching some porn with two women and that seemed to excite her, but upon further discussions with her, the excitement was only one sided and only came from the videos and not from me. 

I have done some snooping around as was suggested, but at this point nothing has been found to suggest an EA or PA. 

She says she was just trying to be honest with me about her feelings. She says she still cares deeply about me and did not want to continue down the road of lying to me about her feelings. The W said last night in another lengthy conversation that she is happy about where things are going at the moment in that we have an apt with an MC on Wednesday this week and that we are continuing to talk things through. All signs lead to improvements which will take time, but that is one thing that guys do not like to hear. We want to fix things now. The problems in our marriage did not start overnight, so I have to realize that the fixes will not happen in one session with the MC either.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Getting her to a doctor and having her hormones checked wouldn't hurt either.


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