# Damaged for Life?



## sczinger

I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.

I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


----------



## TJW

sczinger said:


> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


I'm very glad you're making the right choices. Your fear is irrational. Your EWW is not you. Don't project her onto yourself. You have the right value-system, and the right conscience. You will continue to make right choices.

Your EWW will, in all likelihood, continue to make wrong choices. That's her nature, but your nature is not hers.


----------



## Ynot

sczinger said:


> I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.
> 
> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


You are caught in a couple of traps here. First off you are caught in the trap of thinking everyone thinks like you do and secondly you are caught in the trap of scarcity thinking. The combination of the two have lead you to believe that this woman is so terribly hurt by you breaking up with her.
The reality is that first off, not everyone thinks like you do. She may be temporarily hurt, and then move on quickly thereafter. Even if she doesn't, that is her problem not yours. You have been in a relationship for a relatively short time and it appears as though you have been completely honest. You need to understand that you did her a favor (just as you need to accept that your ex did you one as well).
Secondly, one of the reasons you were hurt so badly (as was I) was scarcity thinking. The reality is that there are always better options than the one you found yourself in. Hopefully she will understand this as well. But again if she doesn't that is her problem. 
When you combine those two traps, you can get down on yourself for hurting someone the way you were hurt yourself. But ultimately you do not owe anyone else anything other than honesty, which it appears you gave her. You do not need to feel obliged to give up your happiness for theirs.


----------



## minimalME

sczinger said:


> I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago *and that makes me feel terrible*.


As it should. 

Although you were verbally somewhat upfront with her, you knew right away that you would never care for her in any sort of significant way, yet that was information you kept to yourself. And it was selfish.

It's really quite frustrating and disappointing how we (myself included) make these sorts of admissions after the damage has already been done.

In terms of being unable to commit again...

We're all injured and inadequate, and we all struggle with something. The 'don't settle' path is nonsense. We either accept a flawed person, or we live on our own. There are no other choices.

And always remember that someone is putting up with you - not 'you' specifically, but all of us are tolerated to some extent. We seem to forget that while obsessing over the faults of others.


----------



## sunsetmist

sczinger said:


> I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. *We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers*. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. * I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.*
> 
> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


Wondering why you think she was as hurt after a few months relationship that was *defined from the beginning as no commitments* as you were a year ago? Your hurt from EWW is still fresh in comparison , but you give EWW too much power. First, you are comparing apples and tomatoes (not even oranges). Second, you are attributing magical powers to EWW and you won't do what she did because you are a different and a caring individual. Then, do your best to spend more time looking forward, not backward. It is your choice how you live the rest of your life, don't worry about 'what if'. Think, instead, I have learned, I am capable of good choices, I am in charge of my future.


----------



## sunsetmist

Thinking more about your post. Is this a grief reaction to EWW situation--sounds reasonable and is not unexpected. Read about stages of grief (prefer 7 stages to 5). Time will be your friend.


----------



## BluesPower

sczinger said:


> I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.
> 
> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


No sorry buddy, you did not "hurt someone the way that your were hurt". You were not married, to her. You did not cheat on her and lie to her. 

Actually, quite the opposite. If you were not feeling the relationship, YOU actually did the honorable thing. 

You told the truth, and you did not lead her on and you did not cheat on her. 

Now, she is hurt, I get that. And I HATE when I have had to break up with a girl that is still in love with me or whatever. That stuff sucks... 

But how much more honorable for you to end it now because you are not where you think you should be. 

No, you did the right thing. Who knows, maybe you will change your mind or maybe your won't, but you did the right thing for her and you...


----------



## jorgegene

first of all, you were just dating and not in an official relationship, even though she might have felt different.

second of all, you were still hurting and wounded after only 5 months after your wife left.
of course you are not ready to be committed again. Nor should you be.

thirdly, stuff happens. you dated her, no commitments (unless you are not being up front with us) and decided to move on. that's it.
rejection is a part of dating. people who are dating better accept that. i had to.

I don't think you did too much wrong based on what you've said.

i would only give the following advice: 1. be more honest during the dating process about your feelings (don't let it drag on when 'it's not there).
but you already know this. 2. take long good stock of your self and ask yourself whether you are really ready for dating or not. maybe you need more time to be with yourself and heal.


----------



## Ynot

minimalME said:


> As it should.
> What a load of BS!
> 
> Although you were verbally somewhat upfront with her, you knew right away that you would never care for her in any sort of significant way, yet that was information you kept to yourself. And it was selfish.
> Did you miss the part where they both talked about that exact thing?
> It's really quite frustrating and disappointing how we (myself included) make these sorts of admissions after the damage has already been done.
> It is only disappointing and frustrating when you engage in the type of limited thinking you seem to be engaged in. Otherwise, you date, sometimes you realize you are attracted and other times the attraction fades. Sometimes you are more attracted to the other person than they are to you or vice versa. That is what dating is all about, not seizing onto someone and making them your slave
> In terms of being unable to commit again...
> 
> We're all injured and inadequate, and we all struggle with something. The 'don't settle' path is nonsense. We either accept a flawed person, or we live on our own. There are no other choices.
> Each of us accepts or settles at whatever level each of us is comfortable with. No one has "dibs" on another person level of acceptance.
> And always remember that someone is putting up with you - not 'you' specifically, but all of us are tolerated to some extent. We seem to forget that while obsessing over the faults of others.


So because she was willing to accept him, he should be willing to just go along? The OP did the RIGHT thing by cutting her loose and not continuing the charade. He was honest with her from the get go and she was fine with that. He lost interest and decided to go his own way, as it should be. But according to you he should live a cloistered life and hope someone stumbles into the isolation tank that is willing to accept him and all will be good. 
I am sorry, but I take a great deal of offense to this type of thinking. It is what gets so many people trapped in bad relationships or makes them hurt when they fail. This is no way to live your life or advice anyone else to live theirs.


----------



## Diana7

From what you said, neither you nor she were in anyway ready for another relationship. She is still bitter after three years, she needs to deal with that before dating again, and you haven't given yourself time to heal or reflect at all. 

As for the damage not enabling you to be committed again, millions do, including myself and my husband.


----------



## Bluesclues

sczinger said:


> I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.
> 
> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


I am pretty sure that is what dating is, right? You hang out with someone and see if you are a good fit and it not, you move along. 

OP, I am curious about something. Reading your initial post at TAM, you stated you and your XWW were married after an 8- year engagement. That is a long time to be engaged. Why? Was it you or her delaying? If it was you, was it from an already existing fear of commitment? Did you marry her because you felt bad about the time she had already invested in you? That was a second marriage for you - what happened in the first?


----------



## sczinger

Bluesclues said:


> I am pretty sure that is what dating is, right? You hang out with someone and see if you are a good fit and it not, you move along.
> 
> OP, I am curious about something. Reading your initial post at TAM, you stated you and your XWW were married after an 8- year engagement. That is a long time to be engaged. Why? Was it you or her delaying? If it was you, was it from an already existing fear of commitment? Did you marry her because you felt bad about the time she had already invested in you? That was a second marriage for you - what happened in the first?


We were dating for a couple of years before we talked about marriage. I still had some financial responsibilities from my first marriage, (1x), of 22+ years that I did not want (2x) to be involved in until they were satisfied. And yes, I'm sure there was hesitation on my part to fully commit given my previous marriage. She didn't push, but wanted to get married and seemed elated when I asked. As for fear of commitment, I was married to 1x for 22+ years. We were married when we were 21... We grew apart. It was mutual, but expensive! Geez.


----------



## sa58

Damaged for life ?

The wound will eventually heal,
but the scar will always remain.

I hope you understand, and have
a great life moving forward.


----------



## minimalME

*


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

It will get better. 

Regardless of who/what/why here, this was unpleasant. 

You're doing best you can.

Don't worry so much.

It will get better


----------



## jlg07

Of course you feel terrible -- you wouldn't be a good person knowing that someone else is hurting, but you were honest with her. Breaking up with someone sucks and DOES make a good person feel bad -- doesn't mean you don't do it. If its not right for you, you have to move on.

I don't think you are DAMAGED for life -- I DO think that maybe you are CHANGED for life -- you eyes are more wide open and you really see (since you lived them) the possibilities that can happen. Most folks who have not gone through infidelity have blinders on -- you see it ALL the time on the forums here. "Not my husband/wife" "she/he wouldn't...", etc.. I think you also know better what you will put up with and what you want in a relationship. All good (although an AWFUL way to learn it).


----------



## Bluesclues

sczinger said:


> Bluesclues said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am pretty sure that is what dating is, right? You hang out with someone and see if you are a good fit and it not, you move along.
> 
> OP, I am curious about something. Reading your initial post at TAM, you stated you and your XWW were married after an 8- year engagement. That is a long time to be engaged. Why? Was it you or her delaying? If it was you, was it from an already existing fear of commitment? Did you marry her because you felt bad about the time she had already invested in you? That was a second marriage for you - what happened in the first?
> 
> 
> 
> We were dating for a couple of years before we talked about marriage. I still had some financial responsibilities from my first marriage, (1x), of 22+ years that I did not want (2x) to be involved in until they were satisfied. And yes, I'm sure there was hesitation on my part to fully commit given my previous marriage. She didn't push, but wanted to get married and seemed elated when I asked. As for fear of commitment, I was married to 1x for 22+ years. We were married when we were 21... We grew apart. It was mutual, but expensive! Geez.
Click to expand...

I am sorry if I offended you in any way. I wasn’t blaming your failed marriages on you, I was asking to determine if you hesitated to marry W2 because you felt things were “wrong” but went forward because of the time invested. I did that and paid the price. If that was the case it would make sense why you felt bad about breaking up with this woman you have only dated short-term. It is fear of not making a commitment. 

I won’t ask you anymore questions.


----------



## sczinger

Bluesclues said:


> I am sorry if I offended you in any way. I wasn’t blaming your failed marriages on you, I was asking to determine if you hesitated to marry W2 because you felt things were “wrong” but went forward because of the time invested. I did that and paid the price. If that was the case it would make sense why you felt bad about breaking up with this woman you have only dated short-term. It is fear of not making a commitment.
> 
> I won’t ask you anymore questions.


I wasn't offended at all. All good questions.


----------



## sokillme

sczinger said:


> I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.
> 
> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


I think you are over thinking this. No offense but you are not unreplaceable, trust me she will get over it. This is what you do when you are dating. You didn't cheat you didn't lie, you gave it a shot and you realized that it didn't fit. In fact what you did was honorable, she deserves a chance to find someone who is into her like you are not. I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't want someone to be with you because of sympathy or believing that they settled. Again this is how it works for everyone. 

As far as having an affect on you, yes it has an affect but that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You learn, you are more focused, you should be stronger if you learned the right lessons. It becomes a part of your history. It helps you feel more empathy for the situation (again if you learn the right lesson). This is life right? Better to have a life of passion with true joys and sadness then one that is always safe but not authentic. 

It's very early in the process. You will know you are ready when you know. Live your life, stop worrying about it and enjoy your freedom. Enjoy meeting new people, stop thinking when you do "Is this the one?" If you were thinking right about THAT you would know you are going to need more then 6 months to know anyway. Even if everything was great it would still be smart to wait a year or so to make sure nothing is hidden. Just enjoy meeting people and be authentic.

Stop worrying.


----------



## jlg07

Bluesclues, I think the Geez referred to how expensive the divorce was, not that he was offended by your comment! At least that's how I read it...


----------



## sczinger

jlg07 said:


> Bluesclues, I think the Geez referred to how expensive the divorce was, not that he was offended by your comment! At least that's how I read it...


Precisely!


----------



## sczinger

sokillme said:


> No offense but you are not unreplaceable, trust me she will get over it.


I agree with this completely. My EWW showed me I'm replaceable. I have asked myself the question "Is this the one?" when I've met women. Not fair to me or her.


----------



## BluesPower

sczinger said:


> I agree with this completely. My EWW showed me I'm replaceable. I have asked myself the question "Is this the one?" when I've met women. Not fair to me or her.


Listen, you have done nothing wrong.

Now, as far as the one. I do think that maybe, you should not ask yourself that question. 

For me, that happened relatively quick with my GF, but I am told by lots of people that is does not happen to many people at all, so who knows. 

You know, date around, don't promise anything, be honest and see what happens.

That is all any of us can do...


----------



## Ynot

sczinger said:


> I agree with this completely. My EWW showed me I'm replaceable. I have asked myself the question "Is this the one?" when I've met women. Not fair to me or her.


That is a question you need to stop asking altogether. First off because it loads any potential relationship with a ton of expectations and secondly because there is no such thing as "the One". It is a fiction made up by Disney and Hallmark. That is true scarcity thinking. It leads you to believe that if he/she is the one and you couldn't snag them, then there is nothing and nobody. When you think in terms of abundance you realize that there are literally millions of options for you in the world. You won't dwell on "the One" who got away. I know I lived it myself.


----------



## sokillme

sczinger said:


> I agree with this completely. My EWW showed me I'm replaceable. I have asked myself the question "Is this the one?" when I've met women. Not fair to me or her.


*Everyone* is replaceable.

But that also benefits you too. It means that your ex will be replaceable as well. One of the best things that came out of being cheated on was that I no longer felt like you do. That everything was riding on this one person. 

In this case you didn't feel that and you told her. That is a good thing.


----------



## sokillme

Ynot said:


> That is a question you need to stop asking altogether. First off because it loads any potential relationship with a ton of expectations and secondly because there is no such thing as "the One". It is a fiction made up by Disney and Hallmark. That is true scarcity thinking. It leads you to believe that if he/she is the one and you couldn't snag them, then there is nothing and nobody. When you think in terms of abundance you realize that there are literally millions of options for you in the world. You won't dwell on "the One" who got away. I know I lived it myself.


This is the true. No relationship in your life shouldn't be life or death. Even the best ones should only be a part of your life. Maybe a huge one but not the whole thing.


----------



## FeministInPink

Diana7 said:


> From what you said, neither you nor she were in anyway ready for another relationship. She is still bitter after three years, she needs to deal with that before dating again, and you haven't given yourself time to heal or reflect at all.
> 
> As for the damage not enabling you to be committed again, millions do, including myself and my husband.


 @Diana7 and I rarely agree, so when we do (like right now), whoever we were responding to should listen, LOL!

And I agree with @Diana7. You started dating very quickly after your EWW left, when you weren't ready, and you started dating someone who also clearly had unresolved issues from her own divorce, and who wasn't ready, either. Readiness isn't determined by the amount of time you've been divorced, but by the work you put in and the effort you make to heal, learn, and move on.
@sczinger You are at a crucial stage in your life right now, and the decisions and choices you make will have a lasting impact on your life and future relationships. In your first post, you wrote:

_I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else._​
Let's rephrase this as a question, so see what you're really asking:
_
Will what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life? Will I forever be unable to commit to a relationship? Will I always be doing this to someone else?_​
You're not going to get the answer to this on a forum, or from anyone other than yourself. The answer to this question is not set in stone. The answer to this question lies in how you choose to move forward, and how you choose to reframe your life and how you choose to react to the fact that your life has changed drastically in recent months.

You have to ask yourself... do you want this to negatively impact the rest of your life? Do you want to be emotionally unavailable and unable to commit? What is the answer to this question? I am going to assume that the answer is no. I don't think that you want either of those things. Humans are social creatures, and we are hard-wired to seek companionship and love of another person.

The crux of it is... getting over a trauma like this doesn't happen naturally, and it won't happen without intentional action and work on your part. It's sad, but it's true... someone else damages us, and we are left to do the hard work of repairing the damage, salving the wounds, and rebuilding ourselves emotionally. And none of that is easy. In fact, it is so difficult that many people refuse to engage in this crucial act of self-love and self-care, and those are the people whose traumas DO negatively affect them for the rest of their life, and that trauma combined with their refusal to tend to their wounds means that these wounds fester and scar, leaving them emotionally unavailable and unable to fully commit to another person.

If you don't want to end up like this, you don't have to. You can make the choice to not end up like this. It will take time and effort, but you CAN do it... you've already been through an incredibly difficult and painful thing, and if you can survive that, you can survive anything. You can do it and come out the other side happier and better off, ready for a loving relationship--if you CHOOSE to. There are plenty of healthy, loving women who are in want of the same in a man, and if you do the work, you will eventually find one.

If you want to choose this path, then I have some suggestions for you. The first is this: swear off dating for a while, and choose to devote the next year (or more) focusing on you, so you have the emotional and mental space to work on all this and figure out who you are going to be now and in the future. Divorce means losing a huge part of your identity, and you need to know who you are and love yourself again before you can really love someone else. The second is to find yourself a good therapist, and commit to the process of repair and rebuilding. This part may be painful, and there may be some additional tearing down that must happen before you can start rebuilding. It's important to keep the end goal in mind as you go through this. You can also find some great books to help with this process--your therapist may recommend some that you can read as part of your therapy. It's important to remember that this takes more than just an hour a week with a therapist, and you'll spend time outside the therapist's office working on yourself. YOU have to do the work. Your therapist is your sherpa, and will guide you--but you need to do the hard lifting.


----------



## Mr. Nail

minimalME said:


> Where did I say that? Oh right! I didn't.
> 
> He continued seeing her when he knew within himself that he had no interest in her.
> 
> That was dishonest, deceitful, and self-serving.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree that ending contact would've been the right thing to do. But we disagree on the timeline.
> 
> *Being a person of integrity would've meant ending his contact with her the moment he knew she would never mean anything to him - as opposed to carrying on a charade in order to simply use her for companionship. Which is exactly what he did, and why he felt bad.
> 
> Using people for our own personal gratification IS bad. It's wrong. I understand that at this particular moment in time, it's not politically correct to say that, but it's true nevertheless.*
> 
> 
> 
> Not quite. He was partially honest - as it served him. We'll never know if she would've been fine being used, because he didn't ask her. He kept that part to himself. And he didn't 'loose interest'. He was, by his own admission, never interested. He decided to go his own way when he got bored - which I totally get is the norm for most of you. You selfishly use people like things, and think that's just fine. I understand it's your way. It's still inherently wrong - disrespectful and dehumanizing.
> 
> 
> 
> Never said any of that.
> 
> 
> 
> Be offended. It's okay.
> 
> What I always find annoying about your posts is that you go on and on and on about people thinking for themselves (which I do), yet you have absolutely no tolerance for those who think differently than you and/or disagree with you. None.
> 
> You're such a hypocrite, and you're consistently one of the most intolerant, disrespectful, unpleasant, closed-minded people on this site.
> 
> And if I get banned for saying so, it'll be worth every single word.
> 
> 
> 
> Once again, I never alluded to or said any of this. I didn't condemn him to live out his days in a bad relationship. Very dramatic of you though.
> 
> Done.


That is a very restrictive standard, but it is your standard and I'm willing to abide by it. For quite some time My emotional need for intimate conversation has been unmet in my home relationship. I have sought out conversation in other places to replace that. One of those places is this forum. I admit that I have been using your posts for "companionship". I am fully aware that you will never be anything to me but a friendly voice online. I have no intention of ever buying you so much as a mini croissant, let alone going on a date. From now on I will (belatedly) ignore your posts so as not to intrude.


----------



## happiness27

sczinger said:


> I have been dating a girl for the last 5 months. We would see each other once a week, maybe every 10 days. We started dating only 5 months after my EWW left. We both discussed early on that I/We weren't looking for any commitments . She knew my story and I, hers. We enjoyed each others company when she wasn't in a bad mood(Still bitter over her divorce from 3 years ago). I knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term relationship but did enjoy the companionship and selfishly let it go on. Over the last month or so I just didn't feel the attraction to her that I did at first. We talked last night and I told her I didn't want to date her anymore. She asked if there was something she did wrong and I told her my heart just wasn't in it. I need to bring 100% of myself into a relationship and that it wasn't fair to either of us to let it go on. I've hurt someone the way I was hurt a year ago and that makes me feel terrible.
> 
> I'm afraid that what my EWW did to me will have an affect on me the rest of my life. Unable to commit to a relationship. I don't want to do this to someone else.


eh, don't let your thinking _go there_. It's black and white thinking (something is all good or something is all bad) and that's really not constructive.

I know this seems like a common thing people suggest, but, explore a GREAT therapist who can give you some personal tools to bolster your own mental well being. When you work on you and rebuilding your self esteem, injecting some healthy thinking into your mind, you will better be able to move forward without dragging around the baggage your mind created from your former relationship.


----------

