# Does it ever have a happy ending?



## ROCDOC (Jan 16, 2012)

Has anyone lived through their spouse having an affair and come out on the other side with a strong, thriving marriage with the same person? I know that there are a lot of factors that go into this, but does it ever happen?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yes it does. Look up Almostrecovered's story - thread title is something like "Two years ago today." Also look Geoffry Marsh's story. They both have successful reconciliations with their wayward wives. Based on reading their stories I doubt either would tell you it was an easy road, but I suspect they would both tell you it was worth it. 

FWIW, I'm the cheater in my marriage and 17 months post D Day. My wife and I are working on a successful reconciliation ourselves. 

It does happen but both of you have to want it. In addition you have to be able to get to a place where you can trust again - not today but you have to get there at some point; and, your spouse has to be truly remorseful, take ownership of what they did and do all the heavy lifting necessary to rebuild the marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There are a few of us here who have done so, some for longer than others.

Reconciliation to me is an ongoing process - it doesn't really have an end point. Our first D day was almost 2 years ago and we're doing really well, but I do not consider us 'reconciled'. We are still reconciling and will be for years.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Reconciliation to me is an ongoing process - it doesn't really have an end point. Our first D day was almost 2 years ago and we're doing really well, but I do not consider us 'reconciled'. We are still reconciling and will be for years.


I wholeheartedly agree with this....


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Reconciliation to me is an ongoing process - it doesn't really have an end point. Our first D day was almost 2 years ago and we're doing really well, but I do not consider us 'reconciled'. We are still reconciling and will be for years.


:iagree::iagree:


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## DivaLasVegas (Dec 12, 2011)

I'd like to know the answer too. It will 10 months tomorrow post D-Day and It's like it was yesterday. I still have nightmares and visions and I don't know that I can ever get over the physical infidelity let alone him pursuing the pig to spend time with "IT". I wish I could see in the future and feel that we will get through this, but It is nearly impossible for me to forget the horrible pain of this betrayal.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

It may have something to do with the amount of time the deceit was taking place. I can't fathom anybody reconciling with their spouse after finding they were living a lie for even ten years, let alone twenty.


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## DivaLasVegas (Dec 12, 2011)

My husband has been deceiving me for 3.5 to 5 or more years, don't know foresure as he changes his story. The fact that it happened even once is disgusting!!


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

We are almost 4 years past Dday and have had a "delayed" Recovery. I don't know how else to call it. Neither of us wanted to split up and we basically just got dusted off and tried moving on. I have been transparent, remorseful and faithful since Dday, no desire for anyone or anything but my husband. We've always had goals together and that didn't change even after Dday (financial, parenting and business goals). We didn't go to MC until November 2011 and I'm not sure if either of us learned anything there that we didn't already know. My husband knows that we have a few things in our marriage we need to work on but he's not much of a talker or eager to share his feelings, so I'm learning to understand and hear him through other ways so I can better help him heal. Triggers happen and they are still hard to deal with but I know we are going to make it in the long run.

I look at R as I would at marriage itself. You don't get married and then ride off into the sunset. You have to work on it every single day, some days are easy, some days you really have to haul @$$. It's an ongoing process. Marriage is not the goal, it's the journey. R is not the goal either, it's the journey.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> There are a few of us here who have done so, some for longer than others.
> 
> Reconciliation to me is an ongoing process - it doesn't really have an end point. Our first D day was almost 2 years ago and we're doing really well, but I do not consider us 'reconciled'. We are still reconciling and will be for years.


I agree also, but for us cheaters, we never know if one day our loving and LS will just one day call it quits and leave. The best marriage in the world cannot save an infidelity, only the LS can make it work. The BS can only work hard to prove that we have changed and that it will never happen again.

It's the LS that will make the ultimate choice on making the marriage work. And as i have stated, we never know when one day a switch will flip and the LS turns around, throws us the finger and walks out.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're confusing me with your LS and BS. BS = betrayed spouse, no?

Anyway yes, I could just end it right now with no warning to my hubby and blame it on him cheating. But I could do that even if he hadn't cheated. He could end it at any time too. That's true with ANY married couple.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

We made it.
Not easy, but you can do it if both of you want it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> You're confusing me with your LS and BS. BS = betrayed spouse, no?
> 
> Anyway yes, I could just end it right now with no warning to my hubby and blame it on him cheating. But I could do that even if he hadn't cheated. He could end it at any time too. That's true with ANY married couple.


LS = loyal spouse, BS = betrayed spouse and yes in any marriage it could end for any reason.

But what I meant is that for our situations, the LS could one day just wake up and say I came in 2nd and leave. That's the one fear I have with my wife, she loves me almost as much as she used to but I never if one day she'll just up and leave and take the kids with her.

So I bust my behind to make sure I don't give her any other excuses. But if she does leave, I won't blame her because she had the right to leave back then and she has the right to leave now also.

20 years is alot together but putting my thing in another woman gives her the right to pack up and leave whenever she wants


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> LS = loyal spouse, BS = betrayed spouse


 So they're the same thing? 



cheatinghubby said:


> 20 years is alot together but putting my thing in another woman gives her the right to pack up and leave whenever she wants


 Sure it does, but technically we all have that right anyway. I know what you mean though. It's kind of like, she has a get out of jail free card now.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> LS = loyal spouse, BS = betrayed spouse and yes in any marriage it could end for any reason.
> 
> But what I meant is that for our situations, the LS could one day just wake up and say I came in 2nd and leave. That's the one fear I have with my wife, she loves me almost as much as she used to but I never if one day she'll just up and leave and take the kids with her.
> 
> ...


Well CheatingHubby at least you seem sincere from what I've read. I hope you and your wife can have a great life together. 

Before I joined this forum I had many doubts about any man truly regreting being unfaithful, but you guys have given so much hope that no every man is a heartless serial cheater! 

So I'd like to say thank you guys!!! You have helped me a lot more than any of you can ever know!:smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

We're making it, its work but aren't all marriages? 
Its been 2 years since d-day and its working out.


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## ROCDOC (Jan 16, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. I guess "D-day" was yesterday for me. I have become acquainted with this webiste in the last two weeks to find advice about hot to turn my marriage around. My wife and I have been together just shy of 16 years and married just shy of 10. I found out a year ago that my she had had an emotional affair with the man she was dating before I started dating her in college. We are both 36. During the last year of trying to recover and rebuild things, I became suspicious of her relationship with another male friend. I just found out she has been having an emotional affair with him. I am resolved to give her and our marriage one more chance. We have the most amazing 5 year old daughter. I am the child of parents who went through an awful divorce when I was 8 and remained enemies throughout my childhood. I swore I would never let that happen to me or my daughter. So our marriage is teetering on the precipice and I'm deciding whether I should let go or dig in my heels and pull back as hard as I can. After reading these posts, I feel my grip tightening. I'll find out tonight if she is finally going to take hold and pull with me or jump.


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## MoMo (Jan 16, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> It's the LS that will make the ultimate choice on making the marriage work. And as i have stated, we never know when one day a switch will flip and the LS turns around, throws us the finger and walks out.


LOL-YEP..............I was the "LS" who waited 12 years (been together for 22) for for my hubby to "wake up"--just cos youre loyal doesnt mean youre a doormat or youre stupid.........one day......you just run out of............patience.......


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## thegreatwm (Aug 14, 2011)

The only happy endings are in story books and massage parlors!


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Yes, it can work out, but it takes a lot of work and a looong time to get over it. Been there, done that; still together and happy.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Depends on the type of betrayal. If it was an EA, yes, PA, hell no.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

R can happen and a marriage can become what you wish for.

But it takes a 100% commitment from both spouses and a willingness from both to do a lot of work with each other if you are trying to recover from an affair.

Historically, the odds are against you - but it can happen.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sure it takes 100% commitment from both spouse's to work on a marriage, but it is only the wayward responseablity to help heal the betrayal caused by the affair.
My thinking is I had my part in an unhealthy marriage and i will pay my dues but when there is infidelity it is the wayward's due to keep me around.

And with that mind set we will beat the odds. It will always be her choice to help me heal, but it is my choice to maintain, control, and lead a healthy marriage in which she can choose to be part of or not.

Thats just how things are for me now.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Um... are you the same ROCDOC whose wife is having an EA possible PA with a fellow wannabe Olympic athlete?

Having you uncovered yet another EA with a second OM???


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

> Um... are you the same ROCDOC whose wife is having an EA possible PA with a fellow wannabe Olympic athlete?
> 
> Having you uncovered yet another EA with a second OM???


TD:

I just asked Doc the same question regarding this thread in the other one. 

I am def confused.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

ROCDOC said:


> Thanks for the responses. I guess "D-day" was yesterday for me. I have become acquainted with this webiste in the last two weeks to find advice about hot to turn my marriage around. My wife and I have been together just shy of 16 years and married just shy of 10. I found out a year ago that my she had had an emotional affair with the man she was dating before I started dating her in college. We are both 36. During the last year of trying to recover and rebuild things, I became suspicious of her relationship with another male friend. I just found out she has been having an emotional affair with him. I am resolved to give her and our marriage one more chance. We have the most amazing 5 year old daughter. I am the child of parents who went through an awful divorce when I was 8 and remained enemies throughout my childhood. I swore I would never let that happen to me or my daughter. So our marriage is teetering on the precipice and I'm deciding whether I should let go or dig in my heels and pull back as hard as I can. After reading these posts, I feel my grip tightening. I'll find out tonight if she is finally going to take hold and pull with me or jump.


I just went over this post again. From what I can gather;

1. Wife was caught in an EA with old college BF over a year ago.
2. While trying to recover from that, she was caught (last week) in ANOTHER EA possible PA with a fellow participant in her sport. 1 year or possible 2 years length for this one. This guy is the one she thinks she is in love with.
3. So, wife has back to back, possibly overlapping EAs which could have started more than two years ago or longer.

ROCDOC is considering another reconciliation. If at first you don't succeed. But His wife will not commit to R this time and is questioning why he would want to.

Take the hint DOC - your next move should be a visit to a lawyer to start protecting your finances for you and your daughter. The wife has left the building. If you have any feelings left (besides anger) for her, then let her go pursue her dream without the weight of a husband and child to slow her down. Seems like that is her ultimate goal.


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Hey ROCDOC! Any updates?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Crickets....here and on his other thread. T?????


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Damn... hope he wasn't a troll.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I just want to point out (I think cheatinghubby brought up the topic of just deciding to leave one day), that as the loyal spouse, I am in constant alert mode thinking that as I am trying my hardest to work through the mess my husband created, that he may just decide that it is not worth it and up and leave. I told him that this weekend, that sometimes I think he may decide that it is not worth it and decide to run. He said he was not going to run. I think that is probably a common concern and fear of many loyal spouses as they put their pride in their pocket, only to wonder if hubby is sincere or just buying his time. I am hoping for a happy ending more than anything, and I am selling my soul (sometimes it feels like) to do so. I do want our marriage to work out...I know what I want, but it is almost impossible to know what hubby's next move will be. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Know who you are and be OK with that. Be strong and fight for what you want. Goonies never die


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