# Curiosity - when is it okay? when is it creepy? when does it raise a red flag?



## Loyal Lover (Jan 30, 2013)

My questions are these:
*** When should your H/W/SO's sexual curiosities become a red flag in your relationship?
*** When is it an innocent curiosity and when is it a genuine interest or a strong fantasy?
*** Is it wrong to be bothered by our partner's sexual fantasies? Why or why not?
*** How do you deal with your partner's fantasies that make you feel uncomfortable?

I'm a woman in my early 20s engaged to my bf, also in his early 20s. He is both experienced in relationships and, thus, in sex. I've only ever had sex with him and we haven't even even reached the 100 mark yet. I recently found out (yes, sadly I had to FIND OUT, he didn't talk to me about this until after I found out) of some of his sexually interests.

Anal sex - he's done it with exes. I worry about it because it's something I will NEVER give him (I have 0% interest in it), as much as I hate denying him anything.

Crossdressers - for what seems like a short period of it, but shortly before we met, he exchanged pictures and e-mails with cross dressers saying stuff like 'curious but straight so I'm more interested in giving than receiving'. *Also, can straight men be sexually curious about gay/bi men crossdressing as females? What about them seems sexually appealing?* It would be REALLY APPRECIATED if a straight man answered this one. I know it's a silly question, with probably an obvious answer, but being in the situation that I am, I NEED an explanation. Not judging, just trying to understand so I can accept it. Anyway, my bf claims he would never actually go through wit it and is no longer curious.

Threesomes - both FMF and MFM but without MM interactions (it was about dominating the woman, according to him). Again, he claims he never tried it and he isn't interested anymore.

Beastiality - he claimed he watched porn to satisfy his curiosity and he is no longer curious.

I know some sexual interests ARE important for our general sexual satisfaction. And some curiosities are innocent and harmless and only exciting in the mind, not in reality. But then some only hang by a thread, as in we don't do them for one or two specific reasons but they are very tempting and we might do them under the right circumstances.

If he did have sex with a crossdresser or engaged in beastiality even if it was before he met me, I wouldn't want to be with him. I would feel far too insecure that I could fulfil his desires. I would be AFRAID of his desires. And I would think of him as a completely different person. Is it wrong in my part to feel that way? :scratchhead:

I worry that what I like are things he has done so many times with his exes, he might not be so interested in them anymore or have a need for more. And the things that he wants are, well, far too out there for me. And if he was satisfied with just sex... why didn't he just look for plain sex while he was single? He actively looked for other things. I've talked about it with him although he doesn't really like talking about these things and he tells me he's over these things and that I do satisfy him in bed (which I believe) and that there are lots of things he wants to explore with me (which interest both of us), but my concerns are more in general and about the past and the future.

But like I said, other than with him, I'm very inexperienced and relationships and in sex, so maybe I'm just being silly. Maybe I'm just more conservative than I realized (...which may also be why I'm into things like being dominated, so my self image will be intact). Perhaps I am overthinking but it would be nice to talk about this with with experienced married people. Thanks for reading my long post.


----------



## MattG254 (Feb 26, 2013)

Hey there! As for the anal sex, you should find out how important this aspect of sex-life is to him...especially if you plan on marrying him! As far as the cross-dressers go, you could see them as sexually attractive due to them having curvaceous bodies and looking good in make-up. In the bedroom, however, is a completely different thing (as they would be naked and you would see them...completely). Bestiality--looking at porn of this is one thing (it can insight amazement [not in a good way, but literally not being able to believe you eyes]), but actually DOING this is a whoooooooole different ball game! There is a 99.999% chance that if he said he didn't do this, he MEANT it. Threesomes are normally something of pure fantasy for the married couple. Once again, in porn they are kind of exciting to look at...but in real life the aspect of sharing one's true love is rejected harshly! The MFM with no MM interaction he was referring to was Double Penetration porn, to be specific; this is very very common and nothing to worry about. All in all, the only concern you might actually have an issue with is anal sex. My advice to you is to be open minded and maybe even force yourself to try it--then again, if he isn't pressuring you about it, let it blow away. Fantasies start becoming problematic when he actually starts trying to bring them into action. For example, you might have reason to be concerned if his Internet history had searches for "how to get into bestiality" or "cross-dressers near me". Unless some crazy thing like that happens though, just shrug those off as fantasies...nothing more. Best wishes to you in your upcoming marriage!


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

> *** When should your H/W/SO's sexual curiosities become a red flag in your relationship?


If that bothers you then it's a red flag. 



> *** When is it an innocent curiosity and when is it a genuine interest or a strong fantasy?


I'm afraid only with time you can see the difference if he isn't upfront with them. Sexuality evolves over time but basic preferences remain the same. That means if he is curious and attracted to some things today, tomorrow he may want to do it on a regular basis. 



> *** Is it wrong to be bothered by our partner's sexual fantasies? Why or why not?


It's not wrong. It's a sign that you may not be compatible sexually. It's a serious problem if that is true.



> *** How do you deal with your partner's fantasies that make you feel uncomfortable?


Talk to him, let him try to explain the allure to you. Then talk how that makes you feel. After that you should agree what to do with it (regularly, occasionally or never).



> Beastiality - he claimed he watched porn to satisfy his curiosity and he is no longer curious.


This is extreme. If he is generally curious about sexuality then he probably explored most of these extreme behaviors. If this is not true then he was attracted to this one in some way. :scratchhead:

[QOUTE]I worry that what I like are things he has done so many times with his exes, he might not be so interested in them anymore or have a need for more.[/QUOTE]

It doesn't work that way. Sex is not a hobby that you do occasionally, get bored with it eventually and move on the other stuff. Sex is a need, communication and emotional fulfillment and it is something that both of you should crave. Spice is good in moderation but it should always be an option. Never a requirement.

Do you ever tire of drinking water?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Loyal Lover said:


> My questions are these:
> *** When should your H/W/SO's sexual curiosities become a red flag in your relationship?


When boundaries are crossed.



> *** When is it an innocent curiosity and when is it a genuine interest or a strong fantasy?


Curiosity is watching porn

Genuine interest is talking about it and getting turned on

Strong fantasy is when it represents the core personality of your sexuality



> *** Is it wrong to be bothered by our partner's sexual fantasies? Why or why not?


I'm bothered by her fantasies and she knows it. But it's not something that occupies my mind.



> *** How do you deal with your partner's fantasies that make you feel uncomfortable?


I let her know it's NOT going to happen, and if it does, it's instant divorce, or worse...


----------



## Rascal (Mar 29, 2013)

I am always amazed by people who feel they are limited in some way. I remember what that was like when I was younger. I remember things being out of my comfort zone, but my perspective was totally different. I was ashamed and embarrassed by my inhibitions. I envied people who could have and enjoy wild and kinky sex. It looked like fun to me and I was frustrated that I was too timid to make it happen. I hated having a comfort zone. To me, it was a thing of weakness. Now I am proud of how uninhibited I have become. I love the freedom. I love having defeated what I saw as having fears. 

HOWEVER, with that said, I have always stayed within our species. I don't have anything against people who are into bestiality. I am just not interested in it myself. I am kind of a neat freak and animals are usually filthy. I would be worried about catching something and/or getting hurt.

I have done anal sex -both giving and receiving- and I have a hard time understanding why any one would have a hang up over it. It's less nasty than oral and it is fairly common. I like to receive anal sex more than giving. I have heard horror stories of guys getting urinary infections and that puts a damper on the desire for me give it at least without a condom.

I used to be an active cross-dresser(transvestite) and that is something that I can certainly understand one could have a hangup over. It was something I started doing when I became a teenager. Unfortunately, I was horribly girl shy and I had a hard time even approaching them. I think my fear of intimacy with women might have been the driver for becoming a transvestite. I lost my virginity to a man before I lost it to a woman at 24. I didn't actively pursue homosexuality, but men understood cross-dressing better than women.

Thus, you can understand why I hated having a comfort zone since I found women, who I loved, to be outside my comfort zone. You might be wondering if I am gay, but I always knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was not. I have always been uncontrollably attracted to women. And, yes, as you might be beginning realize, I had a HORRIBLE and DISASTROUS time when I began dating - many, many broken hearts. It is amazing that I have eventually had the success that I have now.

Now, having worked through all that. I can't help but be amazed by people having these minor inhibitions. So I say, let yourself go and have fun! Pushing the boundaries is where all the fun is. Unfortunately, as you abuse the boundaries, your comfort zone grows and it gets harder to reach that same level of sexual excitement. Fortunately, as you abuse the boundaries, your comfort zone grows and you can eventually reach the same level as your significant other. When both of you are at the same level, you are going to have an AWESOME relationship.

Relax and enjoy!!


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Loyal Lover said:


> . I recently found out (yes, sadly I had to FIND OUT, he didn't talk to me about this until after I found out) of some of his sexually interests.


Whoa there. 

This is the main red flag in your story. What does it mean that you "found out"? 

If he concealed something from you then the main issue now is "trickle truth". For example, you bust him with pictures of cross-dressers on his computer and he fesses up to only as much as you have already proven. 

But later it's "Okay, I kissed one"... which is later proven to be minimizatioon and revised to "I took it in the rear"...

So the circumstances surrounding how you found out and what he said in response is more important than anything else.


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think you have to be very careful here. It could easily end up that you bf has a strong desire to explore these various things and isnt comfortable being honest with you (or himself). When you're engaged there is this wave of momentum pushing toward the big day that makes it harder and harder to put the brakes on. The point being that unless you're ready to explore with him (which he might not even want you to be part of that), you're both headed for serious conflict. He might be the perfect man for you.....in ten years or so when he's satisfied his curiousity and made choices about what he wants in life. Don't get married if you're not sure.


----------



## Pixie222 (Feb 26, 2013)

Looks like a red flag to me as it makes you feel uncomfortable and could well lead to problems further down the line. 

I would want to know if they are current fantasies and interests or experimentation and curiosity from the past. Though this may be very difficult to ascertain. It could be that he is genuinely no longer interested in some or all of these things, but on the other hand the opposite could be true, in which case you need to know before you head down the aisle.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If these things you listed make you feel uncomfortable and questions your relationship, then these should be red flags now. Not after you're married in hopes they will change. Some of these things he is telling you/showing you what he IS interested in, if you're not, then it will not just go away once you're married.


----------



## Jessica373 (Mar 15, 2013)

Don't know if this is helpful, but I have always been intrigued by sexuality, psychology, and human behavior, including learning about sexual topics that are taboo to many people. I'm sure my Internet history has looked messed up at times 

And I am truly not interested in engaging in these behaviors, I just want to know what makes people tick, or I'm simply curious.

Exchanging emails with cross-dressers is a possible red flag though. Maybe it is something he wanted to try and it could cause problems for you later. Or it might be nothing to worry about.. I think you should talk to him openly and honestly, in a non judgmental way, before committing to marriage. If this bothers you now it won't just go away.

You didn't say how you found out about all of this. I feel like that could be important. As well as how long ago he was looking at this stuff? If he looked up a beastiality vid one time out of curiosity that's much different than having an external hard drive full of it you know?

Beastiality would freak me out too if I was in your shoes. I think whatever happens between consenting adults is no ones business, and for me that crosses a line but now I'm rambling.

Soooo.. Talking to him is a good idea. Also talk to him about anal sex. Make your boundaries known now, not later. Depending on your reasons... You might want to try it once. It isn't so bad.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If there were a scale from 1-10 with 1 being a complete prude and 10 being a complete deviant, just judging from your post, your comments about anal etc..., I would guess that you're something like a 3 and he's something like a 7 or 8. Personally I think that a couple needs to be within 1 or 2 on that scale to be compatible long term. Your best chance at relationship success is to find someone more in line with your comfort zone. He may be able to suppress his kink for a while but eventually you're going to bore him. And eventually he's going to disappoint you.


----------

