# Wife is very insecure



## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

Hi all. Thought I would try out this forum, in the hope that some of you could maybe advise me and help me. Just a small bit of background, I'm 28 and my wife is 38 .We have now now been married for 6 years. 

The last 6 months have been almost hell for me to be honest. She is very insecure, I must get that out there, and pretty much has been from the start, although as I say recently much worse. She dosnt like me spending time with friends and in particular she dosnt like me going out for a drink with them. She believes some of them (not all) are a bad influence. Even though though I've never been one to be influenced by other people. She will sulk for sometimes days if I do go out with them. 
Recently she has become really clingy, I honestly do not know what is wrong with her right now. 

I play a lot of sports, and I am just getting back to it after a bad knee injury, part of the local football club etc. she was really supportive during my rehab, but now that I'm back to some sort of normality she seems to not enjoy me participating anymore. Would rather I didn't play competitively anymore. I don't know if this is a protective thing or part of her recent clingyness. 

Sorry for the ramble, I hope it makes some sort of sense. Please advise. Thank you.


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## JW8614 (Sep 8, 2014)

She's clearly insecure which is why she's clingy.

If I were to guess, I'd say it's because she's nearly 40, while your still in your prime and haven't even hit 30.

I'm dating someone 28 years older, so I know this all too well lol

Try to make her feel important and loved. Create memories and take her on romantic dates sometimes. That way she knows there's no reason to be so insecure, because she's only one for you.

Maybe that'll help her ease up a bit,


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

I get that, I just don't know what more I can do to ease her insecurities. I'm so frustrated by this


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you sure you're acting like a married man? Lots of sports is great, I'm a pretty hard core runner myself, but they can be time consuming and I've seen more than one marriage end over someone spending a ridiculous amount of time training.

Sports are great but once you're married you sometimes have to temper how much time you spend vs how much time you spend with your spouse.

How much time to you guys spend together doing something you both enjoy?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

How much time do you and your wife spend together doing recreational activities? If your most pleasurable pastimes do not include your wife, you are do a disservice to your marriage. There is a great simple article (Recreational Companionship) that explains the impact of separate activities. 

It's not to say you cannot do things separate from each other, but there needs to be a balance toward more time (quality time) spent with your spouse. 

Instead of lumping it all as insecure...perhaps your wife is saying she misses you...wants to spend more time with you...


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

We spend a decent amount of time together. I don't really think that is the issue. We go out for dinner, cinema, walks, drives. I just want her to be more relaxed


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Instead of playing the guessing game, why don't you ask her what her concerns are. 

You say she doesn't like you to go out for a drink with specific friends. Do you know why she thinks they are a bad influence on you?

This is a conversation you and your wife need to have...

She needs to tell you what her concerns are (specifically). Perhaps she doesn't feel some of your friends respect your marriage. Meaning, perhaps they influence singlehood mentality....live the mantra of "do what's best for you to be happy, regardless" ....I'm just guessing here. 

Remember, you chose your wife... your marriage....elevate it to the place it belongs....It doesn't mean give up everything you do outside of it....but to take into account your relationship with your wife in your decisions. 

If you want your wife to be more relaxed...ask her what you can do to reassure her...

You don't have to bend to her insecurities (it would be disrespectful on her part to expect that of you)...but do honor your wife to have the discussion and let her know what you like to do (sports, spending time with friends, etc). Let her know that you want to take her feelings into account, but that you also enjoy these activities and want to find a way that honors each of you individually and honors the coupleship...


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Run, this isn't going to get better, if she's 40 and still hasn't learnt to deal with her insecurities I'm afraid to tell you it ain't gonna get better. I'm talking from experience. 

Has she been like this for 6 years or is it a recent change.

It sounds like she's trying to isolate you, this is a HUGE red flag and typical of abusers. Let me guess, if you spend time with your friends then you don't love her?

Insecurity/jealousy destroys relationships.

Its time to enforce some boundaries and if she over steps them it may be time to walk I mean run .


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

And for the love of god don't reassure her, all your teaching her is when she's feeling insecure (like every 5 minutes) all she has to do is passively tell you and you reward her by telling her she's beautiful she fantastic she's the one you love she's the ...insert any other comment.


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

Thanks for advice so far, like I said I'm becoming frustrated and resentful at this point, and that's not a nice feeling. To answer a couple of points, she has always been a bit jealous I guess, although not as bad as she is now. She's hates girls I work with for no reason at all, she dosnt even know them. Refers to them "****s". She says this a bit tongue in cheek, but I get the feeling she means it as she always says it. I don't socialise with them because of this, and I don't think that's really fair. I just don't know anymore


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I feel your pain curva , I've lived your life for the past 6 years, mine might have been a little more extreme, I wasn't allowed to watch TV shows/movies with any nudity or "hot" actresses.

I felt like I was walking on egg shells on a daily basis, trying my best not to trigger some insecurity of hers.

I tried everything, I tried reassuring her, all this did was reward her bad behaviour, I tried fighting back this always resulted in arguing, or getting the cold shoulder , and being made to feel like I was wronging her. The only thing that worked a little was to put hard boundaries in place but in order to do this you need to be prepared to walk or otherwise its pointless.

Women at work, Jesus if I had a friendly chat with a female supplier I was wanting to bang her, or I was accused of flirting.

I got to the point where I thought, can I do this for another 6 years?

Then I started asking myself the questions like why have I allowed this to go on for so long, why am I afraid to leave her, o came to the conclusion that I would sooner be unhappy by myself than stuck in an unhealthy relationship, at least then I had only myself to blame for my own misery.

Its been 6 weeks for me, and I have mixed feelings but one things for sure I can relax at last, that knot that used to sit in my stomach is slowly loosening.

Maybe try counselling as a last resort but make sure you get a good one.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Hi mate,
I personally believe that a husband should have no more than one activity that he does without his wife. Fair enough if you are going to dinner and doing other things, but if you are playing sport, going out partying, etc etc, you're not spending enough time bonding with her.

She is probably thinking why don't you want to spend more time with her. She is probably wondering if you want to be with younger women. I'm a man, and I know men need space. The thing is, some women just don't get that, and see it as a threat. If she is insecure, all the worse.

Is she able to watch you train in your sport so she can be part of it? Could you take her out when you go out with your friends, and lavish attention on her?


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

That's exactly how I feel, like I'm constantly walking on egg shells . Little things can set her off. She's an attractive women, I don't get why she feels the way she does


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

Gonecrazy said:


> Hi mate,
> I personally believe that a husband should have no more than one activity that he does without his wife. Fair enough if you are going to dinner and doing other things, but if you are playing sport, going out partying, etc etc, you're not spending enough time bonding with her.
> 
> She is probably thinking why don't you want to spend more time with her. She is probably wondering if you want to be with younger women. I'm a man, and I know men need space. The thing is, some women just don't get that, and see it as a threat. If she is insecure, all the worse.
> ...



She does watch occasionally and does take an interest, i have to say that for her. Regarding taking her out with friends, I've stopped doing that, simply because of how judgemental she can be. I just think it's better that way. She once barged into a girl who put her hand on my shoulder at a bar


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You can't fix what you don't own.....her insecurity is her issue, she needs help in examining that, and you both need to under The contributions towards that insecurity. 

Question had she been married before?


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

Xenote said:


> You can't fix what you don't own.....her insecurity is her issue, she needs help in examining that, and you both need to under The contributions towards that insecurity.
> 
> Question had she been married before?


I've tried to get her to open up about the real causes of this. She wasn't married before, but has been cheated on in her 2 previous relationships. I know this is obviously a major reason behind insecurities. I don't know if it's fair for me to feel that I don't deserve to be treated with suspicion based on the actions of people I don't even know. Some people close to me think it's the 10 year age gap could be reason. I don't know anymore


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Of course it's the gap.....the fact that she cheated she thinks that the karma bus is coming to get her through you. Look at her actions she is doing everything to account for every moment your not with her....she is a mess....and in a way pushing you away.


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

She didn't cheat, she was cheated on. But yes, I do feel like I'm being pushed away by her behaviour


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

You need to tell your wife you cannot keep paying someone else's bill. She is projecting her past hurts onto you.

My original suggestion to reassure her was under the assumption that she was merely wanting time with you and that her insecurities weren't so deeply seated.

Your wife needs to own this about herself and she is the one that needs to do the work to overcome this. 

Sure- you can still reassure her to some extent, but I'm guessing, she is not letting any of it in.


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## Yokoemo (Jul 6, 2015)

So I am in a position similar to your wife. I feel very insecure due to my husbands EA last year, and I have taken to snooping through his stuff on his phone. Sometimes I find things that upset me, but they are not incriminating enough for me to bring it up. (Like him checking out this chics facebook page all the time.) because I don't talk to him about it, I just feel more insecure and that causes me to behave similar to your wife. 
My point is- is there anything you may have been doing that you think is a secret, but that if she found out would upset her and make her feel insecure? She might already know about it but not feel like bringing it up.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Hmmm other posters have mentioned some really valid points. I think it all comes down to trying; you can try several different tactics to help her out of this extremely insecure phase she is going through especially if it's specifically YOUR past behavior making her feel like this.
But if you are a straight forward guy who isn't the type to get flirty with other women or send out the 'single' vibe then I would say her issues are her own. No amount of reassuring her will ever work because she has to seek some IC to get through this, sometimes it will require the assistance of a professional. 
If you have given her no cause to be like this, then bringing her baggage from past relationships into the equation is very unfair and immature IMO.
Good luck


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Does she have any friends she goes out with? If so, is the frequency of her going out with friends the same as yours?


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

Yokoemo said:


> So I am in a position similar to your wife. I feel very insecure due to my husbands EA last year, and I have taken to snooping through his stuff on his phone. Sometimes I find things that upset me, but they are not incriminating enough for me to bring it up. (Like him checking out this chics facebook page all the time.) because I don't talk to him about it, I just feel more insecure and that causes me to behave similar to your wife.
> My point is- is there anything you may have been doing that you think is a secret, but that if she found out would upset her and make her feel insecure? She might already know about it but not feel like bringing it up.


I've done nothing that I would consider inappropriate . I do talk to girls from work at times purely on a friendship level. Nothing for her to be concerned with


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

morituri said:


> Does she have any friends she goes out with? If so, is the frequency of her going out with friends the same as yours?


She is very close to her family, and would spend some time with them, but she dosnt go out with the same frequency as me


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As having once been married to an attractive yet extremely broken and insecure woman, I must caution you to watch your back. I say this because insecure people tend to fall easily into affairs as a way to "self medicate" their insecurity. Don't be deceived into believing that just because she was betrayed in previous relationships that she is immune to falling into an affair, even betrayed folks can/have become cheaters themselves if/when they allow their insecurity to get the better of them. And at her age, many folks develop a mid life crisis that becomes self destructive and destructive to the marriage. So again watch your back.

I would suggest that you in a respectful and caring way express to your wife how worried you are about her emotional state and that it would be of great benefit if the two of you went to a trained therapist who deals with issues of insecurity and lack of trust. If she scoffs at the suggestion, then I would suggest that you do some very serious thinking about whether you want to remain married to a woman who needs help but is refusing to get it. Life with such a person often gets much worse before it ever gets better.


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## Curva Nord (Jul 6, 2015)

I just find myself withdrawing from here a lot at the minute now. Started resenting etc.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

She is nearing 40 and this can be scary for women. You are 28, and probably are surrounded by women your age. This makes her feel threatened. Not saying it's right, or justifies her behavior. Does she work out? Does she take care of herself? Hair, makeup, nails, etc? Maybe you should get her a trip to the spa and take her shopping. Get her a gym membership. Have her feel sexy about herself and that may boost her confidence.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Curva Nord said:


> I just find myself withdrawing from here a lot at the minute now. Started resenting etc.


Doing that isn't going to help, it will make her more insecure and start wondering if you are seeing someone else or isn't attracted to her anymore. There must have been something you did to cause her start acting this way. Find out what it was. Instead of withdrawing and resenting, start talking and reassuring her.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Curva Nord said:


> She is very close to her family, and would spend some time with them, but she dosnt go out with the same frequency as me


Cut down on the frequency. This doesn't mean you have to give up going out with your friends altogether. Just dial it the fvck down. I'm sorry, but this is what marriage is about. Compromise.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Back then when I was dating my husband I used to be insecure and needed to see him often. What helped me was that while he had put effort to reassure me of his feelings, he did not submit to my demands and had boundaries. With his boundaries my insecurities were not enabled, and with his effort to reassure me I felt cared for, which allowed me to feel the need to put effort to fight my own insecurity for us and myself.

The balance between being understanding and supportive and having boundaries is important, but it can be a huge mistake to simply submit and enable your spouse to be demanding as insecurity can be like a black hole if allowed. It'd only want more and more yet nothing truly helps unless the real root is targetted.


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