# Struggling to see a clear answer



## WantWhatsRight (Nov 2, 2011)

I will put this upfront, I believe that I love my wife deeply. However, she and I have significant baggage at this point. We have both done reprehensible things to one another -- in some ways, we both have at different times fit the definition of abusing one another in some way (verbally, financially, socially, physically, emotionally).

We separated in April, signed a separation agreement in June, then started dating again at the end of July. We ended up right back in the same familiar place of conflict and tension by the end of September, barely made it through October . . . and re-signed a new separation agreement the day after Thanksgiving.

Over the Christmas holiday, she came to a realization that she wanted to work on things in a way that she had never before been willing. In large part because she acknowledged that I had been doing, and making real substantive progress on, my own work since August. Because of my improvement, she felt that she could open herself up to stretching in my direction as well.

So she decided to make the offer -- 100% commitment, work towards moving back in together, try again dating completely monogamously and focusing entirely on forming a positive relationship.

We have been together for almost 8 years, married for a little over 3 and a half at this point. We have never had it easy as a couple. Fighting and conflict started two weeks into the relationship, yet we've persisted through many make-up/break-up cycles over the years ... and now, here we are.

The option she presents is something I really want, but also fear. Reason, history, and literally every external observer (my family - immediate and extended, friends - close and simply acquaintances, and professionals - my individual therapist as well as one marriage therapist) have said that they felt that this relationship was better off dissolved.

Yet, I look at all of these opinions and I know that no one has the intimate knowledge that my W and I have of one another. No one knows the dynamics of what has happened between us ... at least not in the first person.

Even I admit that the idea of getting together again is something that I would not advise of someone else in my situation.

However, every time I try to tell myself it is best to just let the relationship go . . . I get a huge pang of sadness, fear . . . a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes.

I love her and I want it to work, with her . . . but this relationship is just so full of pain and past damage that I am not sure it is reconcilable.

I have read several threads on TAM where people said that it took them upwards of a decade to figure their marriages out, but then they found their bliss. I don't want to wait even 1 more year at this point, but if the possibility is real, I don't want to turn away from it.

Helpful advice, or stories from those who have had similar experiences, would be appreciated.

At this point, she is tired of waiting on me to decide . . . I promised her a final decision by noon today.


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## WantWhatsRight (Nov 2, 2011)

While I know it is not always encouraged, there also appears to me to be a logical process here:

If option A, then option B continues to exist
If option B, then option A ceases to exist

Here, option A is reconciliation and B is divorce. If I choose A and it fails, she and I can always divorce. However, if I divorce now, questions about whether we could have make it work will forever remain unanswered.

I believe in the potential that she and I share, despite the terrible things that we have done to one another in the past.

She is offering to finally leave the past in the past and to act towards a new future.

I owe it to her and myself to see it through, especially given all of the hard work that we have put into it at this point.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

I think,give it a go. Just this time.
She said that she will give 100% commitment, right? Nothing is irreconcilable if both of you want to start a new chapter in your relationship together. Yes everything has its risk, staying together vs divorce, but as you said, no one really understands it but you.

Yes you fear the unknown of being single, and yes you fear 'what if she lets me down again?'. 

I am in the same boat currently, and without any personal baggage here , I say your relationship worth a try. You guys have been separated for few months, so I guess that brings a new perspective that even you are separated you still have that love and able to acknowledge the good in each other's acts.

Yes marriage is not a flowery path,and if you both want it, and put every effort in it, I still believe that you guys can do this together.


I wish you well


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## WantWhatsRight (Nov 2, 2011)

@stopandmakecoffee - thank you for your thoughts and words of encouragement. I made a decision to go back and try again.

I received your response just as I was leaving my house for a date with her. So, though I had already made the decision, your message made me smile.

We had an amazing time together last night and I am hopeful that the positive energy we are both committing to will be lasting and continue to grow.


Best.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

MC, marriage workshops, books, whatever it takes....Make it job number one in both your lives to be better and your odds go way up at success.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

WantWhatsRight said:


> So, though I had already made the decision, your message made me smile.
> .


never thought,even once. in the darkest moments of my life like now, i made someone smile 

best of luck for you, and thank you


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