# Is alone time and time with friends healthy?



## Soulchemist (Feb 9, 2012)

Hello, I'm new here. I have been married for a year now, and we just had a child one month ago. 

My wife and I have had some serious issues during our marriage already (mostly her threatening divorce ~10 times since marriage) and we are trying to stay together. We are both divorced and I have a 12yo step son. 

Needless to say we are busy. My question is about time with friends. I am of the belief that we should both have time with each other, time with other married couples, and time with ourselves or friends. She has said she sees no need for us to be apart. Using her grandparents as a model (married 62 years), she says he worked, came home, and spent time with family. That is it and that is all it should be.

Am I unrealistic or inadvertently trying to damage the marriage by desiring time with my buddies?


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You need time by yourself.

You need time with male friends.

You need time with couples.

You need time by yourself with the step son.

You need time alone with your wife.

Life is balance. One part out of balance affects the whole ship.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Soulchemist said:


> She has said she sees no need for us to be apart. Using her grandparents as a model (married 62 years), she says he worked, came home, and spent time with family. That is it and that is all it should be.
> 
> Am I unrealistic or inadvertently trying to damage the marriage by desiring time with my buddies?


I think all that has happened here is.... you marreid someone very different from yourself. If you was experiencing many nights out with the guys while dating, then it was a little unrealistic for her to think that was all going to stop in its tracts when the wedding ring when on her finger. 

Her #1 Love language is QUALITY TIME..... yours is NOT. THis is the disconnect... Me and my husband are both Quality Timers and others would describe us like her Grandparents. 

Sure I have friends, he has friends but generally we go out together with them - we both like it that way. Or I may go out once in a while with a few Gf's without him, he has zero desire to hang with the guys -he sees enough men at work, that is what he says......it is all about family for my husband. And yeah, I do love that about him! 

I think she needs to realize you are different, and you both need to give a little. She may also be a "home Buddy" -while you like to "go out...more the partier type "....another disconnect....Me & my husband are both home Buddies, so this again ,works for us nicely.... Neither of us feel deprived of anything. 

How often do you want to hang with the guys ? Can you & she agree on so much time per week ? It is always about coming to the table and reaching an agreement when 2 heads are bulking against each other...then living within the boundaries you have set forth to please each other.


----------



## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

The D word should never be used as a threat! That's nothing short of coercion and manipulaton in the upteenth degree!

When she does that you need to shut it right down by telling her to either put up or shut up, that's not a word to be used lightly.

As far as the friends thing goes try to strike a balance, everyone needs friends. Maybe 2 nights per week would be acceptable. She sounds like she has too much time on her hands. Usually the women have the friends not us guys.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As long as your time with you wife has the highest priority. Reschedule your other time around that. Some say you need 15 hours per week of quality time together. Good luck with that and a new baby.

Balance is a wonderful goal. Realistically life is about choices. Choose wisely.


----------



## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

yes you need to balance and take time off alone and as couples but the amount of time you allocate for each says your priority.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Wife and I spend every night together having dinner and watching shows and snuggled up in bed, not always leading to sex. I just ask for one night, friday or saturday to go out with my boys. And on the friday or saturday night I do not go out, we watch a movie on demand (we just moved and don't know anyone we can trust our daughter with). If one night a week is too much to ask, then you have a needy person who probably is going to stifle you, especially if you're a social person. she needs her own hobbies. Shoot, take the baby one night and kick her out the house.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Soulchemist said:


> She has said she sees no need for us to be apart.


I won't even touch the part where she's using divorce as manipulation but this statement is a HUGE problem. Everybody needs time away from their spouse. The goal is interdependence. My life, your life, and our life.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Wife and I spend every night together having dinner and watching shows and snuggled up in bed, not always leading to sex. I just ask for one night, friday or saturday to go out with my boys. And on the friday or saturday night I do not go out, we watch a movie on demand (we just moved and don't know anyone we can trust our daughter with). If one night a week is too much to ask, then you have a needy person who probably is going to stifle you, especially if you're a social person. she needs her own hobbies. Shoot, take the baby one night and kick her out the house.


I would agree this is very very reasonable -even for a "Quality Time" person, this would be no skin off my back at all or my husbands, even 2 nights a week would be reasonable on occasion, so long as it isn't all night long, getting drunk and falling in the door. And as another poster said, scheduling your buddy time around your family schedule would be "wise". 


In our house, I pretty much handle the schedule- the big calendar that hangs in our kitchen for all to view , everything goes on there.... with 6 kids, it can get a bit hectic, so when my husband is asked to do something with someone , the guys at work, etc, or something comes up, he tells them to "talk to the wife" to fit him in..... I NEVER say no or get upset about him going elsewhere, but he wouldn't want to miss a Band concert, a track meet, something the kids are in either, so we work around everyone's schedules. 

And it all flows very nicely. Noone is ever upset or feeling like we are less of a priority, nothing like that.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would agree this is very very reasonable -even for a "Quality Time" person, this would be no skin off my back at all or my husbands, even 2 nights a week would be reasonable on occasion, so long as it isn't all night long, getting drunk and falling in the door. And as another poster said, scheduling your buddy time around your family schedule would be "wise".
> 
> 
> In our house, I pretty much handle the schedule- the big calendar that hangs in our kitchen for all to view , everything goes on there.... with 6 kids, it can get a bit hectic, so when my husband is asked to do something with someone , the guys at work, etc, or something comes up, he tells them to "talk to the wife" to fit him in..... I NEVER say no or get upset about him going elsewhere, but he wouldn't want to miss a Band concert, a track meet, something the kids are in either, so we work around everyone's schedules.
> ...



HOLY 6 KIDS!!!! Someone keeps busy, lol.


----------



## Soulchemist (Feb 9, 2012)

Thank you all for your thoughts.

The divorce thing is a real issue. I just wrote out all the instances in our 1 year of marriage that she has threatened divorce. It totals 13 that I can remember clearly. As a point of reference, here are some examples of reasons why:
-Day after wedding, I left her side too much during the wedding (we spent almost every second next to each other)
-Did not plan her birthday well enough, got insensitive present (blowdryer)
-She got pregnant and got a sinus infection. I got one too. Talked about divorce and aborting the baby because her ex-husband used to do this stuff, make it all about him.
-Went into my email and found old emails between me and my ex-wife (from well before I met current wife)

As far as time for myself, her expectation is that I come home from work (no more than 40-45 hours/week or I am a workaholic) and be home with the family. Every night, no exceptions. Me wanting to go across the street to my friends house, have a couple beers and talk means I don't love the family. Me wanting 1 hour two nights/week for exercise (karate) is selfish/or me wanting 2 hours one night a week (karate) is selfish. 

Mind you, I have been adamant about her also getting out and getting time alone or with friends or at karate. I take the baby from 10pm until morning. I try to help around the house, dishes laundry, cleaning. She is a stay at home wife/mother. 

She has stated that my career ambitions are unacceptable, because she wants me home at a certain time and not away from the family. We were supposed to go out on our first date in over a month this Saturday. I am excited and ready to see the Vow with her. Now, because I have expressed a need for some autonomy, she is talking about us being separate that night. I want date night with my wife.

Sorry for the rambling. I am so confused. And I am so worried I married someone with a PD. She will constantly shift her position to further the argument instead of shifting her argument to support her position. Never agree to disagree. Never compromises for my needs, without massive guilt. Accuses me of always needing to be right. Gets angry and just wants to fight. She will say things like "I can see why your ex-wife cheated on you. You totally ignored her emotional needs." 

So confused.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Your wife sounds a wee bit controlling and I'm afraid if this continues, she's going to push you further away rather than you wanting to spend more time with her.

Marriage is a union between two people. It doesn't mean that you have to give up all the things you enjoyed before you were married such as occastional guy time, etc. Sometimes it's nice just to spend a little bit of time away from each other to make you appreciate each other more.


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

How did she manage before you started dating? You should tell her "I don't know how your mom treated your dad, but this will NOT fly in this relationship. And I will not fall to your threats of divorce. If you want one, go for it, but i'm doing stuff I like too." And say it in your big boy voice. No woman likes a wimp. And right now, it looks like she's trying to punk you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Soulchemist said:


> -Day after wedding, I left her side too much during the wedding (we spent almost every second next to each other)
> -Did not plan her birthday well enough, got insensitive present (blowdryer)
> -She got pregnant and got a sinus infection. I got one too. Talked about divorce and aborting the baby because her ex-husband used to do this stuff, make it all about him.
> -Went into my email and found old emails between me and my ex-wife (from well before I met current wife)


 The thing about the emails is retarded, completely a NON issue, getting upset over a sinus infection & threatening divorce & bringing her Ex into that makes NO sense at all, men generally suck with pesents, it's never bothered me at all -but some women do get bent out of shape with such things, might BE important on her love language list, The wedding day --seems like she is not seeing the same reality as you.



> Me wanting to go across the street to my friends house, have a couple beers and talk means I don't love the family.


 Any reason she can't go with you and hang out with the wife ?? She is throwing guilt at you for very little wrong -unless you are coming home drunk & the neighbors are a bad influence. 



> Me wanting 1 hour two nights/week for exercise (karate) is selfish/or me wanting 2 hours one night a week (karate) is selfish.


 Does she have ANY hobbies of her own for when you are not home? 

IN our house, anytime he leaves or I leave, we get something done that we don't need the others help, or hang with the kids, play a boring board game , that way, when he is home, we have more time to spend together, just enjoying. Even if she takes the kids out to the park, the Library, to McDonalds. Always something to do. 



> Mind you, I have been adamant about her also getting out and getting time alone or with friends or at karate. I take the baby from 10pm until morning. I try to help around the house, dishes laundry, cleaning. She is a stay at home wife/mother.


 Oh I see.. so she wants you to stay home so you can HELP her around the house? if you are working 40 hours and she is a SAHM, I am of the belief, those are her responsibilites. So it is not really about time WITH you to enjoy, she wants a partner to stay home and help her get her house organized while one watches the kids. Not even "us " time at all ?? Is this the right picture ???


----------



## Stir Crazy (Feb 10, 2012)

You're both right. 

She views her grandparents long marriage as an example of how things should be in yours. You most likely have another role model. Neither is right or wrong. 

Everyone is different, some want to be together nearly all the time, others don't. You need to come to an understanding which works for your both. It sounds like your compatibility right now is really off and based on what you've written I also wonder, are you here for real solutions or are you here for validation?


----------



## needhelp27 (Feb 10, 2012)

My wife and I are having problems. she has told me she is not cut out for marriage and that she has been feeling like she wants something different. should I give her the chance to do the things she wants to with no consequences. like a hall pass for a week or longer. would this end are marriage or save it.:scratchhead:


----------



## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

Mistys dad said:


> You need time by yourself.
> 
> You need time with male friends.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

I would say it's perfectly OK to have time apart. I travel a LOT for work, so for us it is sort of an enforced apart, but it has made us stronger people overall... It comes down to a matter of how much time you spend with them. Guys night or girls night out every now and then in most cases, fine. Of course the nature of the outings also matters. But as was stated previously, fining that balance is a very elusive sort of thing...


----------



## Soulchemist (Feb 9, 2012)

I am strongly thinking she suffers from BPD. I have been reading extensively on it. 

The idea of me going to the gym for 1 hour, 3 x week drives her nuts. She feels like I am abandoning her, that I am driving separation into the marriage.

She has said that me going golfing with my buddies once a week is too much time. Why should I need that kind of time without the family. 

She is completely unhealthy and unrealistic. Even the mention of coming to some sort of compromise about our marriage elicits the "I am not a Stepford Wife" comment. Really? Who wants that, but to be in a happy secure marriage would be nice.

Sorry, I know I am ranting. I am crushed right now, because I am so unhappy in this marriage. I am losing who I am. Every mention of my needs turns into a battlground. 

I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unrealistic about my needs. Thanks for the support.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As I was reading your thread, I wondered if she might have abandonment issues from childhood? I wondered if her ex-husband placed his career/interests over the marriage? And if she's worried that you will be this way too. Of course I'm completely speculating and this may not be the case at all. Certainly it wouldn't excuse behavior but might provide some insight, that's all.

You said you take care of the baby from 10pm until morning. What sort of activities/alone time can she do then? Or is it about her getting rest? How is she with being a SAHM? 

I'm of the mind that having hobbies and interests alone/with friends, is important, as well as having that with our spouse. But everything in balance - and I do think the relationship takes priority. How much time does golf take up every weekend?

Regardless of this though, those "threats" of divorce when things don't go her way do seem completely irrational and selfish. What will happen when something really matters? Is she used to getting her way at all costs? You're feeling tired of your needs being ignored. So what are her needs that she feels are being ignored?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Also ~ how do you react to her when she behaves in the way you described?


----------



## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't think it's unrealistic to expect some time apart. However, it sounds like she has different expectations. I think it's fair for you to communicate that you feel that having your own time is a normal part of a healthy relationship.


----------



## Soulchemist (Feb 9, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> As I was reading your thread, I wondered if she might have abandonment issues from childhood? I wondered if her ex-husband placed his career/interests over the marriage? And if she's worried that you will be this way too. Of course I'm completely speculating and this may not be the case at all. Certainly it wouldn't excuse behavior but might provide some insight, that's all.
> 
> Her father abandoned her when she was 3. Very traumatic. Her ex-husband was a complete homebody, but he is a crazy narcissist. She has huge fears of getting close and of being abandoned. The push/pull is very difficult.
> 
> ...


Emotional intimacy. She wants me to be a woman, no lie. I am not a super emotional man, but I try to meet her needs as best I can. But, no one person can meet all of her emotional needs. She wants me to be there for her, but when I am she threatens divorce. Kinda makes me want to not be there for her. When she gets content, watch out.



heartsbeating said:


> Also ~ how do you react to her when she behaves in the way you described?


Express that I am hurt, which makes her hurt me more. Then try to get some healthy space to heal, which she violates to hurt me more. Then I lash out at her verbally because all I want is some space, which she uses to guilt/shame me. Today, I am going to see a lawyer. After 13 divorce threats/verbal abuse periods in 1 year, I am ready to move on. I tried to stick it out, but I feel dead inside.

Thank you so much for the dialogue. Trying to reason with her ends up with her having her feelings hurt, which in turn makes the conversation about consoling her and her needs. Objectively, it is really an amazing phenomena.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Playing devil's advocate for a moment, if she needs to feel you're 'there' over the weekend and as you both have a baby, 3 hours could feel like half a day to her. To you it's just 3hrs out - to her it's likely a big chunk of time and perhaps feeling neglected.

With what you have written about her past, I will again speculate that until she works on herself and deals with it (does she recognize this?), it could remain a constant push-pull as you describe. I'm no expert of course, just an observation. It sounds like she wants to know you're close, she's needy in that way likely because of her history, yet perhaps also doesn't actually feel 'worthy' of that love when she does get it - therefore acting in a way to cause the relationship to self destruct or to push you away before you have the chance to push her away. Which of course, is self-destructive too. 

I wonder if you have ever just held her when she's having one of these emotional outbursts and told her that you're not going anywhere? That she can trust you? ....at the end of the day though, it's up to you if you're willing to try to get to that place with her or if she needs to get there on her own first.


----------



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I love being with my husband and spending time with him....But I also like having the occasional girls night out, or in, and I actually enjoy alone time at home when he goes out with his friends, and I know he likes having that time with his friends....Unless it's excessive or there are trust issues stemming from an EA or PA, I think time out without the other is kind of important....


----------



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I think everyone needs to have their own time in addition to time with their partner and family. She sounds really controlling and demanding. I would think in time that would push the two of you apart.


----------



## PaGuy (Feb 1, 2012)

Soulchemist said:


> Hello, I'm new here. I have been married for a year now, and we just had a child one month ago.
> 
> My wife and I have had some serious issues during our marriage already (mostly her threatening divorce ~10 times since marriage) and we are trying to stay together. We are both divorced and I have a 12yo step son.
> 
> ...


Normal


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think you need to be more explicit about how much time out of. . . how much time. If you work 8-9 hours a day and have any type of commute, plus 1-2 hours 2/3 times a week, plus a "few hours" on another night or 2 with friends/neighbors, well, it starts to add up. It's one thing if you walk in the door at 5 pm each week night, and another if you are rolling in after 6 or closer to 7 pm. In other words, total it up--what percentage of your free time ARE you spending with your family? And if she is a SAHM, remember that she is alone all the time (or most of the time) you are working, except for your child. 

The way you first wrote about it, she sounded controlling and very high-needs. But when you started to say all the stuff you want to do, well, it's harder to tell. 

The bottom line is that some people never want to be apart, and others have a lot of interests, etc., and they are "good to go" in a relationship that is about spending 1-2 hours/night together, plus maybe a date night. Finding the compromise is essential if you want your marriage to work. But first be realistic about what you are really asking for.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Soulchemist said:


> My wife and I have had some serious issues during our marriage already (mostly her threatening divorce ~10 times since marriage) and we are trying to stay together. ....
> N Using her grandparents as a model (married 62 years), she says he worked, came home, and spent time with family.


I wonder how often Grandma threatened divorce.

I'm not saying that to imply that it is all your wife's fault, but I have to guess there are more fundamental issues here then the occasional night out with the boys.


----------



## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> As I was reading your thread, I wondered if she might have abandonment issues from childhood? I wondered if her ex-husband placed his career/interests over the marriage? And if she's worried that you will be this way too. Of course I'm completely speculating and this may not be the case at all. Certainly it wouldn't excuse behavior but might provide some insight, that's all.


Oh my gosh you beat me to it heartbeating....

It seems like you are surprised at ther sudden change in behavior but I'd find it hard to believe that you never noticed any signs BEFORE you got married. 

Did you notice any behaviors that your wife had before the marriage that suggests abandonment issues? These would be like anxiety when left alone, getting upset if you don't text/call her soon enough, or even things like nervous tiks/distress when she feels like you are leaving her, etc.?

Also what is her history with her exH? In your post it suggests that she isnot on good terms with her exH. I can see that she sees her grandparents as role models but simply having role models is not good enough since each relationship is different. Things need to be catered to fit each individual. Is there any way you can sit her down and discuss this on a deeper level (hopefully without her getting too upset).


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

It really depends on the couple. I'm homebound due to pain and a spine injury. My husband is my biggest supporter and he prefers to be home with me often. He does go swimming laps 3x's a week, but it's later at night(7:00pm) and very early sat morning(5:30am). He spends the rest of his time with us. Once in a while he will go hunting during hunting season with his cousin and also a 10 night trip to Alaska. I've been to CA once to meet a girlfriend of mine I met online, she's my other best friend! I'm planning to see her again in the next year and take a mini vacation to do so. My husband encourages me to go. We would spend our time at the beach just hanging out.

Most of the time we are together. We snuggle, hold hands, talk and are very close. My husband is my #1 best friend. We do this by choice. We are also older and see no reason to hang out with friends. We are way past the bar scene and neither one of us would ever go out clubbing. It varies between couples and finding a happy medium between the two of you is important. You both need your space and time alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think all that has happened here is.... you marreid someone very different from yourself. If you was experiencing many nights out with the guys while dating, then it was a little unrealistic for her to think that was all going to stop in its tracts when the wedding ring when on her finger.
> 
> Her #1 Love language is QUALITY TIME..... yours is NOT. THis is the disconnect... Me and my husband are both Quality Timers and others would describe us like her Grandparents.
> 
> ...


Sounds exactly like us SA . The saga continues......LOL


----------



## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

You need to leave her to resolve her issues. She fears being alone, yet pushes you away with her psychotic antics. I see you said you're going to see a lawyer, well, maybe she'll see this as she is not the only one willing to take the divorce step. it'll either make her tighten up or go with it. either way, you're better off.


----------



## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> You need time by yourself.
> 
> You need time with male friends.
> 
> ...


I love the way you replied.You way of writing awesome.Also :iagree: with your post!


----------

