# Do I go back?



## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

I've been separated from my husband for 15 months. It was my decision to leave. I've been married to him for 12 years I've left him 3 times. But for some reason I kept on going back.

I have a 6 year old daughter. In the past couple of years my life's taken a bad turn.

My marriage started falling apart. My husband wanted another woman in her early 20's. I left the house that belonged to me because he didn't wanna leave me. I'm currently living at my mothers house for the past one and half years. My husband initially refused to give me a divorce. He broke me down to such an extent saying I'm a bad wife and mother and what have I ever done for them in all this time. This hurt me quite alot because when I married him he had nothing. I worked hard to get us where we are. Now he's a wealthy man and he's forgotten all I've done for him.

He takes my daughter away from me. I hardly get to see her. But I can't seem to say anything about it. I'm too scared to say anything in case it makes matters worse.I can' seem to speak up. This is impacting my work. I'm very depressed. I never wanna go anywhere or do anything. I don't know when my daughter is going to be home to see me. So I'd rather stay home in case I miss her.
> 
> He makes me feel guilty for working. He says a girl needs her mother. This makes it very difficult for me to concentrate at work. I really do feel like a **** wife and mother. HE says that a mother should sacrifice her life for her child meaning I must come back home.
> 
> I'm at a point in my life where I believe things might be better if I just go back home. I'm scared to go home though because I already feel so small. 
> 
> I just cant seem to speak up anymore. I say what everyone wants to hear because I try and avoid conflict. I tried therapy and it didn't work. Ant depressants make me sleepy an dI can't seem to function at all.
> 
> What should I do? Do I go back home? How do I assert myself? I'm so scared of making my life worse then it already is because I'm already having difficult coping.
> 
> Thanks for your replies
>


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## WhyinSC (Dec 16, 2011)

Counceling to get your backbone back is the first step...
You need to seriously "Woman Up". You are letting all of this happen to you. Go get your Daughter now and demand your parental rights! 
Your husband does NOT define what you SHOULD do with your life. 

You know you could divorce his butt pretty easily and take him for half right? 
You have MUCH more power than you think in these matters but you are letting your rich crappy husband run the show... WOMAN UP!
Get your daughter back in your house and only give him visitation never letting him take her back and file for divorce.

Pretty nasty stuff to do I agree, but you need to do some hard things you don't want to do when you are defending your life.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

If your husband is not owning whatever part he has in the demise of your marriage, it's a bad idea to go back.
You know what they say about insanity? It's doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result everytime.
I also left twice before already because my husband would not man up and stand behind me when his family is calling me all sorts of name. I go back at the slightest provocation from him because I wanted to give the marriage a chance. We never fixed what it is we needed to fix, he was unwilling to go to counselling even though my insurance will pay for it, because he didn't want some stranger telling him what to do.
Marriage is comprise of two people, and if your husband is unwilling to work in order to make the marriage work, it's a lost cause, in my honest opinion.
Look at yourself in the mirror, and if you can't recognize yourself anymore like I once did...it's time to pull yourself by the boot straps and march on.
It's very very normal to feel afraid, but fear are just feelings that you can control (at least that's what I tell myself).
Fight for your daughter, and if he has become a wealthy man, you deserve to benefit from that wealth.
If you honestly cannot support yourself on your own, don't be afraid to go after what you deserve. He will be mean, and angry because he thinks you don't deserve it, but you do. And a lowlife is the only one who thinks they don't have any accountability for their spouse.
Good luck and I hope things will get better for you.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

I don't know I just feel like I'm hurting alot of people in this.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

Yeah I need to grow a spine and not feel so guilty. Easier said then done. I wasnt always like this. Now for some reason I feel like I'm **** at everything I do.

The one thing I was good at was my work. And I feel like I'm failing there as well. 

So I'm s hit wife and mother. I'm **** at my job. 

What am I good at?


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

I actually found this site today and have been reading it for hours now. I just need to say that its good to finally be part of a forum where people have gone through similar experiences.

I think its a vicious cycle that everyone goes through. Separation in a way is very hard because you're in limbo. And the being in limbo actually hurts more then the act of divorce. (not that I know what divorce feels like). But at least with divorce you have some kinda direction.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi WhyinSc,

Thanks for the reply. I definitely do need to woman up. I've been a doormat for too long and I think building some form of self esteem is needed to weather the storm. My husband tends to be very nasty and pick at my weak points. After 12 years of marriage he knows what he weakpoints are.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi ProfJ,

Thanks for the reply. The comment you made about doing the same things and expecting the same result is something my husband likes to say. He tells me that's why I'm stuck in a rut because I keep doing the same things and it never helps. However with him its in the way that he says it. Its condescending.

Thanks for sharing your life experience. Marriage is definitely a compromise and there's give and take. I sometimes wonder if I worked hard enough at my marriage would I still be in this position today. I need to be able to get past the guilt in order for me to actually start feeling better about myself.

I went to my beauty therapist and she told me that in her experience people never change. And this has stuck with me. I don't have much hope that my husband will change. He's very controlling and he likes me to know my "place". 

I actually don't know where I'm getting at but I just feel that sometimes seeing other people's point of view just kinda makes you realise you're making the right decision.

I'm still on the fence and it is fear that drives me. But the time has come for me to make a decision and I will.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

So what I wanted to know is there a reason that I can't go through with a divorce even 15 months later. I keep blaming it on the fact that I'm scared cos I can't bear a life worse then this.

I'm worried about my daughter. I'm scared that I'm gonna lose everything and have to start from scratch.

So have any of you prolonged a separation and what was the reason?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I would not. You will deplete your resources going back and forth like this. There are other ways to reduce your fear and anxiety at uncertainty to a reasonable level in order to effectively manage your life. EVERYBODY feels fear/uncertainty about their future. 
I think that being in a relationshipeven when the relationship is bad, is a way of giving up control so as to assign the outcome to somebody else's watch. You can then do all the right things but not have to deal directly with the outcome. This tends to reduce confidence. Tolerance of small failures and short exploratory dead ends are a joy in life. Ironically, they can make you feel more alive and more sure of yourself. 

You will gain confidence by getting your feet beneath you, muddling around to success. Children tend to get this naturally. They do not expect you to always have the answer, and will appreciate it if you say you do not really know how things will work out with a new life, but you will figure it out and listen to their ideas. My children were very good in sitting down and going over all the pros and cons of moving and re-settling. I learned a lot about them and the way they think and feel, and we became much closer as a family unit. They know I am capable of caring for them and I know they are capable of setting aside their quibbles and normal kid stuff if I really need them to to, which is rare these days but for a couple weeks we lived amongst boxes and ate at a tiny little end table. They have a memory of what I did to look after myself and them. If they ever need to or if they ever have to support a friend in childhood or adulthood who needs to do something drastic, they will have the experience of it.

I agree with others who suggest counseling and support specific to women. You might also want to go the way I did and seek specifically a male counselor. I always had, irrationally, a belief that men had it all pulled together and could be in charge of everything, and also irrationally, that marriage was more secure than being single, especially with children. I've learned, slowly, that resiliency and security come in many different flavors, often camoflauged. It is different getting a male perspective that is not abusive...the therapeutic relationship of helping can be very .... therapeutic.

I wish you well in your decision.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

fatimam said:


> Hi ProfJ,
> 
> Thanks for the reply. The comment you made about doing the same things and expecting the same result is something my husband likes to say. He tells me that's why I'm stuck in a rut because I keep doing the same things and it never helps. However with him its in the way that he says it. Its condescending.
> 
> ...


Fatimam...believe me...been there, done that. Like I said in other threads, I move to this country totally dependent on my stbxh. I gave up practically everything, my home, culture, friends, family, a great high paying corporate job just so I could get a shot at marriage. Coming here, I realized, it's not enough that I gave up a lot of things, my stbxh wanted more. I could not watch TV shows that he does not deem appropriate, Santa Claus is not allowed in the house as a decoration, Music that I used to listen to are not allowed anymore..all these, I swallowed for 2 years, until his daughter moved in and he demand that I kowtow down to his horrible child, while my own daughter from a previous relationship was bending over backwards to please him so she would not be a problem to us. Finally..enough is enough! I moved out...it's been 11 months. There are times when I'm sad and I miss his company, but my anger at myself for letting somebody treat me that way is greater.
Your husband is a cowardly and insecure person like mine...they know this, but in order to disprove it, they will prey on the weak to feed their egos. If you continue to be minnows to these narcissistic sharks, that is a call you alone will make.
But know...that you will start to feel smaller, and smaller, until you could not find yourself anymore.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi All, 

Thanks ProfJ and Homemaker for your replies. IT does make sense. I can't keep going around in circles.

In saying that though, I still don't have the courage to do what it takes in order to get divorced. I know I need to leave him. I just don't know how. Hopefully I will get to a point where I can. (I pray that I can)

I know I need counseling to stop blaming myself for everything that went wrong in my marriage. This keeps me back as well. All the guilt I feel. 

Sometimes I wonder if I make things harder then they actually are. I've really had a terrible day at work today and the first thought that came into my head was if I was still with my husband I could resign from this place. So in a way, even though I had difficult marriage , I feel separating from my husband made me lose a safety net. It makes absolutely no sense because I never really relied on him to support me ever.

Thanks for the help guys. Its much appreciated


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## thankfulone (Apr 9, 2012)

fatimam said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Thanks ProfJ and Homemaker for your replies. IT does make sense. I can't keep going around in circles.
> 
> ...


I know just how you are feeling when you say that you relied on him even though he wasn't even supportive to begin with. I guess even bad relationships can be seen as security. Just like giving up anything that is bad for you like, smoking, drinking, gambling, etc. It/he has become a part of your definition of life. I am slowly learning to redefine my life as I am pushing for separation too (he won't leave the home). I am socializing more, spending more time with the kids as I refuse to let my spirit be brought down anymore as his doormat. Hang in there, and keep in touch. We need to keep encouraging each other!:smthumbup:


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