# Husband with no sex drive for 7 years....tells me he wants us to be with other people



## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

I am in a very dark place right now, where to begin?.................
I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have two daughters together ages 5 & 2. Our sex life has NEVER been great, although it was pretty good for the first couple years. My husband comes from a family that does not show ANY affection. I come from a family that shows alot. I have a very high sex drive and my husband has always SEEMED to have a low sex drive. He has shown no interest in me physically for the past 4 years ( we went a whole year with NO sex ), I have cried to him and he just says sorry....and its not me? The problem with me is....when I feel connected to someone I want to have sex ALL the time, so over time the rejection from my husband became overwhelming, I had tried EVERYTHING, eventually I became cold toward him and felt no connection, this was the only way I could stop the hurt. I couldnt keep crying myself to sleep it was tearing me apart. I just started 'taking care of myself' and stoped asking him....he didn't seem to care. Because I am a curious person by nature......when ever I see a show on tv about the porn industry, the swinging lifestyle...or anything out of the norm...I get right into it. the worse things got with my husband the more I got interested in these shows. I would NEVER cheat on my husband....although I am interested in alternative lifestyles, I know that I personally could never do it ( at the same time I do not judge people who do ) I came from a family that talks very openly about sex, so I never thought twice about bringing up the different shows I had watched and how it turned me on thinking about that stuff. I would fantasize about doing different things but NEVER thought of really doing anything outside of my marriage, I am all for trying anything, as long as it is between my husband and I. The last month my husband and I have been getting along really well, he started wanting sex, and I began opening up again...slowly, scared to get hurt again. This weekend we were talking, he had just got back from Vegas with his friends, and all of a sudden he tells me that he would be open to going to one of those clubs I have talked about ( sex clubs) then said that he would like to be with me in front of other people in one of those clubs....I got really excited....like I said I am up for anything WITH MY HUSBAND, then he went on to say that he would be ok with us being with other people as long as we were together....WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didnt know what to say, I asked him if he was serious, he would be ok with another man having sex with me, he said yes as long as he was there????????????? All my feelings of rejection came flooding back, not only does he not want me but he is ok with someone else being with me....I could feel my heart break...it was horrible  I didnt say much I went to the bathroom and cried. he went to bed like nothing happened. The next day i calmly told him how what he said affected me...he got really mad called me a tease, that he wouldn't have even thought of doing that had I not talked about it and made him think I wanted to do it, he said he was trying to make me happy. I told him that I could never see him with someone else or be with anyone else...what I wanted was HIM! He was upset that I led him to believe thats what I wanted, I made a point of saying he never ASKED me what I wanted, because he hasnt seemed to care in 4 years, so all of a sudden he decides to try...and that was his solution??????? Have sex with other people...what about trying to have sex with me.....talk to me....make me feel loved? But no matter what I say he just says that thats what he thought I wanted...its not what he wanted? He says he has never and would never cheat.....now I am questioning him, I am hurting sooooooo bad  What should I do, I feel like I want to leave, am I over reacting? I really need truthfull kind words right now. (sorry about my spelling, I am very emotional right now...its hard to think straight)


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I really think you guys need to get in MC.

This is an issues that you guys needed to deal with years ago, and you both didn't find a middle ground together. 

Differences in drive, time spent together, and a thousand other issues can drive into a relationship. You guys got stuck on this one and never figured it out. It was probably both of you contributing. He pulled away for a number of reasons (feeling smothered, not wanting to fight, or whatever the actual reason is) and you have been seriously hurt by this and that can negatively contritube too.

The thing that stuck out to me was he said it was your fault he didn't want sex with you. Why? What is the reason?

Maybe he felt like you were telling him he was a bad husband or constantly nagging him for sex. I don't really know.

Anyways, find out what the reasons for him acting this way are. I highly suggest MC if thats an option.

My wife is a quiet person that doesn't easily show emotion (everything has to be great or she doesn't really open up). I love her more than I can describe, but her personality caused damage to the relationship. (Mine too- I cause a HUGE amount of damage and my story is in my profile). I never really knew that my wife was VERY unhappy or why or what to do about it. It took a ton of counseling for us both to realize and change and fix our issues. My wife was born a rollercoaster and I'm VERY stable in myself and emotions. It will always be an issue for us, but we needed to find a way to make that work. 

You need to get unstuck and figure out what is going on here. Be willing to see your issues in all of this and put in the difficult work in getting past hurt and changing yourself, which is very hard. Hope and pray your husband is willing to change too. Nothing you can do can force him to change.


Also, about sex with outer people. Draw a boundary here. This is 100% not ok. If he is interested in that, he can move out and then pursue this. You need to retain value in yourself and give him the freedom to do what he will.


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

WOW....thank you for your honesty! I agree with you %100, we should have dealt with this a long time ago, I am the rollercoaster and he is also very Stable. Your question about my husband telling me it was my fault he didn't want to have sex with me.....I should have been more clear, when he said its not me....he was saying it wasn't my fault it was his, he didn't know why but he has never had a high sex drive. We definitly need MC, I actually made an appointment for tomorrow, although the first session is just for me, I think I need to deal with me before I can deal with us. Just before I read your response, my husband and I had a very emotional talk, he again told me he was sorry for what he said, he didnt think he could actually see me with someone else, he really though that is what I wanted, he felt so bad about everything and wanted to make me happy again? He said he was sorry for what he has done to me (no affection) , and said that no matter how hard he tries to make me feel better its not working. I understand where he is coming from, I am an emotional wreck, more than anything...even the lack of sex in the past...i cant get past what he said about being with other people...regardless of what he THOUGHT I wanted...he was WILLING to do it, he is changing his story now, and the only reason I think he is taking it back is because I got so upset. He is an amazing person, I am sad that things have went this far, I know that I have had a big part in the destruction of or relationship, I am trying to be a better wife, I was so angery about what I was missing out on I became cold toward him...didn't treat him with the respect he deserves, or give any kind words when he needed them, a big reason why our sex life went from ok to nothing was probably my negativity  i know he is also hurting...I feel terrible about that, I am a good person, I hate who I have become with him, its sad when I treat everyone around me with love and understanding, but when it comes to him I have none of that, he should be the one I give the most of myself too  Thank you for taking the time to hear my story


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

But there is so much hope for the return to a good marriage. You are both realize where you went wrong. Don't you think you have the best chance to fix things? if your husband seems sincere and he can give an adequate explanation as to why he would suddenly be interested in sex after rejecting fir 4 yrs. Was he just interested in seeing other woman and not so interested in loving you? That you need to find out if you can go forward. He obviously does not see your relationship the way you see it. 

When I read your original post I suspected that he may have been getting sex from someone else and giving you a line. When he suddenly became interested, it seemed to be for the purpose of getting some kink on and not to make you happy. His initial insistence that you led him on was projection, he led himself on. It is strange that a man with a low sex drive would be so interested in swinging huh. I don't think his drive is low, do you? . 

You say he is a nice guy ok but do a little digging while you are working on things. I may be paranoid but something does not seem to add up. Maybe there is more than you have been able to share but think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> We definitly need MC, I actually made an appointment for tomorrow, although the first session is just for me, I think I need to deal with me before I can deal with us.


 I think you should go together, especially if its the same counselor and there isn't going to be a him only session.

Ethically and practically, MC needs to be two people and not one. I think you both have been hurting for years, and for what its worth coming from someone on the internet, I suggest going together if its the same counselor.

Also, my MC story is in my profile.

http://themarriagecounselingblog.com/counseling/firstmarriagecounselingsession


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602........Thank you for your insight  As I was reading your post......it felt like I wrote down all my own deepest fears, I have asked myself all those same questions. Why when we were finally connecting again and being intimate did he decide to bring this up? Is he just wanting to be with other people....using my happiness as an excuse? When you said "His initial insistence that you led him on was projection, he led himself on" You literally said the exact same thing as my best friend ( I agree ) Im sad that we really were on the right track again (something just clicked in the end of January), we were talking.....having sex, and then this happened  I am trying sooooo hard to remember that he is a good person, he has a big heart, and up untill this incident I have NEVER questioned his loyalty. Mabie I was in denial, all I know is that since what he said about being with other people I am going crazy.....questioning everything i thought I knew about him. Up until now I have never been jealous, I really always trusted him and thought he just didn`t want sex...and that it had nothing to do with me. I have always been ok with him having girl friends, and never asked questions about what he was doing, now I feel betrayed....and to my knowledge he hasnt actually physically done anything (that I know of) Anyone that knows him would say instantly that he would NEVER cheat.....although they would probably also be SHOCKED that he said he would be ok with being with other people. Ahhhhhh........ We have a long road ahead......considering all the issues we have dealt with.....I would have NEVER thought this would be one of them. I hope we can trust eachother again, I do love him, I really DO NOT want a divorce!


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

anx......I made an appointment first with an individual counsellor for for immediate relief ( I am overwhelmed with emotion ), my husband agreed that we need MC, it`s just hard because he is away working alot, it will be VERY hard for us to go together  I will talk to my individual counsellor today about different MC options for my husband and I. I love him soooooo much...I ment what I said when we got married, I want this to be forever, and I am willing to do what it takes to fix this no matter how hard it may be....Im hurting REALLY bad, but Im not going to give up on us without a fight. I read your story... you and your wifes journey made me cry, I felt so inspired, I belive that everything happens for a reason, I am glad we crossed paths so I could gain the hope I needed from your story


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

One last thing then for now, and I'll keep posting on your story.

MC is an emotional rollercoaster of a mind f*ck. Be ready (you can't be). Stay strong. 

Since you guys both want to work it out, I think you'll be alright, but I'll hurt and be HARD. Digging up hurt thats been there for YEARS is rough. It doesn't sound like anyone wants to leave at this point either, which is really good.

Get a stack of MC books, or from a library or whatever. They have helped me so much through all of this. Whatever speaks to you. I've reconnected with religion more recently, and MC books from there have been great. I got most of mine from online (half.com) and can resell them too when I want to. I picked up a few initially and recently from a bookstore and a few more for my wife so that I could start reading right away.


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

Well I Had my first IC today, WOW.....I realized alot....she said many things...one was, My husband connects sex with emotion, when I didnt feel as though I was getting enofe sex and started resenting him...I started withholding my emotional support, the more I did that, the less he wanted sex, and it became a destructive cycle  She also said that my husband ASSUMED what I wanted, and didn`t ask me because we have communication issues, and that his true intention was probably to please me, not break my heart...I AGREE!! ( he really does have a kind heart ) She said that we should go to MC ASAP, she thinks we still have alot to work through, but from what I told her about our relationship...she thinks we still have a good chance of figuring this out before its to late. well I feel much better...not because I feel like everything is fine now...more because we are headed in a healthier direction. This web site has truly been a blessing to me, I needed this support sooooooo much!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would highly suggest both taking the five love langues quizes online and the book that goes with it if you want. They are quick and really more central to the happiness of a person in their marriage than I even understand. We are all borderline irrational about our needs in those areas. At least my wife and I are.

Love Languages Test
OR the actual site
www.5lovelanguages.com

I'm physical and quality time. I could really care less if my wife says she appreciates me, makes dinner instead of me, or gives me gifts. I'm irrationally crazy about our marriage without physical and quality time.

My wife is acts of service and affirmation. If I want her to feel loved, I need to do chores, make dinner, and tell her how much she means to me and why.

Its so hard for us both to understand that since its opposite for the other person. I don't really like complements and suck at giving them. Its a lot easier when these match. In marriages like that, people just spend time together having sex or telling eachother how much they mean to eachother and both of their "love tanks" are filled. 

Best of luck


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

anx.....Thank you for your advise on the MC....even though it seems common sence that it will be hard, when someone says it, you really THINK about it. I know that I am not totally prepared for what is to come, I am scared of dealing with 7 years worth of hurt and anger, but I know that my husband and I are worth it  I like the idea about getting books to help us on this journey, I am a reader...my husband is not...mabie i can read them to him? As I was reading your last message I could identify with what you said "I'm irrationally crazy about our marriage without physical and quality time" THAT IS ME!!! When you described your wife "My wife is acts of service and affirmation" THAT IS MY HUSBAND!!! I felt like you were talking about us, seeing that you got through it gives me so much hope, I have a feeling that once my husband and I figure out how to communicate...we will have an amazing relationship I am looking forward to going to MC....I want to hear what my husband needs from me...and i want to get to a place where I WANT to give it to him....and of course I want to same in return. I am going to go take the quiz you suggested right now...I will also encourage my husband to do the same. What great support and advise


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

Well...I am now sitting here alone....crying with a broken heart, My husband told me today that he was not willing to go to counselling, I asked why.....he said that his issues can not be fixed in counselling....why? He said that seeing me this way....crying and hurting so much, he needed to tell me the truth. He never loved me....but was fasinated by my looks, passion for love and life....he had never been loved the way I loved him...and even though he didn't feel the same...he didnt want to loose that for fear that he wouldn't find someone to love him like that again & He cant do this to me anymore...he feels like he already wasted 7 years of my life.....he said that for selfish reasons he didnt want to tell me, because he enjoys my intensity...and everything I do for him....but he can now see that its desroying me. His guilt is to overwhelming, watching me try and make him want me and show me love. I could feel my heart break.....I did the ugly cry and asked him why he didnt tell me this before we had our children or got married, he said that he wanted a life with me....he just didnt feel the same feelings I had for him. He told me that the only way he can have a clean consious is to ask for a divorse so i can have what I deserve with someone else. I am scared and alone


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

Sorry about the spelling.....really emotional


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hopeful:) said:


> Sorry about the spelling.....really emotional


When I read this I cried. What a heartless dirtbag this man is, he brought 2 humans into the world, married a woman so he could observe her and bask in her love. What kind of person do you need to be to be able to carry that off with a cold heart for so long. And to think that he would have gladly used you to get sex partners. 

This is devastating but there is an up side - you have enough resiliency and self esteem to have resisted being an object for his sexual amusement and your respect for your self saved you many more years of pain and confusion. Based on what he said, he has perpetrated a massive evil deception. I still think you don't know the full story. He may have found someone else to observe. Your husband is not mentally healthy, only a sociopath could do this 

You need to protect yourself. Get a lawyer and get him out of your house ASAP. If you are just a curiosity to him, take yourself off center stage, get him out without delay. He is a stanger really and a dangerous one too. You need to gather all financial documents and info. Don't expect him to react like a normal person expect more deception and manipulation. 

This is awful but, when you are on the other side, you will find someone to love you as much as you are capable of loving. This husband does not sound like a person anyone could love, he was lucky to have hidden his true nature ftom you. After he get out and tries to maintain a relationship, he will deeply regret having done this, he will never ever find anyone like you again, ever. You are rare but he wont know that until he tries to replace you. He will long for you for the rest of his days, just give it time you will see. Then you will get to observe him in his empty life while you are in a warm loving relationship. 

Do you have family and friends who can surround you now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Hopeful - I agree with all the above advice....GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!
What a complete $hit! Sorry...I know he's your husband, but it seems - and I know theer are two sides to every story - that you have been the perfect wife. You realised things were not going smoothly so YOu tried to address them...to no avail.

I also appreciate that separating, filing for divorce etc is not easy and will have a devastating effect on your life in general and your children. If there is any possibility of resolving things then you MUST go down that path...if there really is no hope then divorce. Its not nice but lots of people (families included) have come out the other 'end' happier and healthier.
So before things get better, they'll get worse.
Chin up and good luck!


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## hopeful:) (Apr 6, 2011)

it's 3:45am.....I just woke up crying....I cant stop......this pain is so intense I am sitting here writing this knowing my babies will be up in a couple hours, I know i am going to be exahusted in the moring....but waking up to read your posts feels good.....thank you for caring about a stranger, and taking the time to give me support. The problem I am having right now is I moved away from all my friends and family to be with my husband, previously I worked in Children Services...and have now been a stay at home mom for 5 years ( something I always wanted ) I have no one here, I have had support from my best friend and parents...but they are a plane ride away. Now my husband is against me going back to them because of the kids ( understandable ) My parents are taking this really hard, my Dad is a mess, he cant stop crying........my Mom and Dad have been married 30 years and love eachother alot...... they are trying to figure out how they can come be with me ( this will be hard, they own a resort...so they are very busy) I cant believe this has happened to me I need a little sleep, I will wake up in the moring and re-read your posts, I read them now...but i am so tired and emotional that its hard to absorb alot


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think that what you are feeling is pretty normal for your situation.

You (your marriage and kids) ended up isolating youself and didn't realize the profound effect it would have. Its suffocating for a lot of people. 

Also, since you mainly have your husband and that isn't going well, its going to mess you up.

I wish there was something better I could say.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> When I read this I cried. What a heartless dirtbag this man is, he brought 2 humans into the world, married a woman so he could observe her and bask in her love. What kind of person do you need to be to be able to carry that off with a cold heart for so long. And to think that he would have gladly used you to get sex partners.
> 
> This is devastating but there is an up side - you have enough resiliency and self esteem to have resisted being an object for his sexual amusement and your respect for your self saved you many more years of pain and confusion. Based on what he said, he has perpetrated a massive evil deception. I still think you don't know the full story. He may have found someone else to observe. Your husband is not mentally healthy, only a sociopath could do this
> 
> ...


This is a good post.

What he as done to you is so awful. That someone could be so heartless is terrible.

I think you will figure it out, you seem very smart and like you know you are a valuable person.

You should go on a trip to visit your family, it's not fair that you are without support because you were being a good wife to him.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hopeful:) said:


> it's 3:45am..I have no one here, I have had support from my best friend and parents...but they are a plane ride away. Now my husband is against me going back to them because of the kids ( understandable )
> 
> My parents are taking this really hard, my Dad is a mess, he cant stop crying........my Mom and Dad have been married 30 years and love eachother alot...... they are trying to figure out how they can come be with me ( this will be hard, they own a resort...so they are very busy) I cant believe this has happened to me I need a little sleep, I will wake up in the moring and re-read your posts, I read them now...but i am so tired and emotional that its hard to absorb alot


Please keep reading and keep an open mind to the perspectives of the people on the outside reading this.

When I read that he does not want you to leave I could not beleive my eyes. I had to rub them again when you said it was understandable. 

Please think about it - you spent 7 yrs of your life with a man who was heartless enough to marry you knowing that he did not love you. He cared so little abput you as a human being that he thought that 

1) he would enjoy having you around as a curiosity and 
2) did not mind using you sexually, if you went along with it, knowing that you would do it out of love.
3) bringing children into the world with a woman he did not love. These children would grow up in a home where their mother was frustrated and unhappy with a dispassionate distant husband. Not a good environment for children
4) he is cheating on you with his friends, he is too self centered to deny himself sex. 

You understand what? You keep your self away from your family and friends your support because this haeatless thing you have for a husband wants to be near his chuildren. 

I think yiu have Stockholm syndrome - you have been isolated so long that you are seeing the wold through the eyes of the zoo keeper. Let me try to deprogram you. He has abdicated all rights to anything to do with you. You are on your own now and you are required to take care of yourself. 

If you stay because you "understand his feelings" you must hate yourself, your children and your parents who are suffering along with you. Your husband suffers nothing he had his fun for the last 7 years now the party is over and done. He is still thinking like a sociopath - you should deny yourself the comforts of your family and friends for a man who caused this pain and deception!! Think please. 

Who is he that so many should suffer for his convenience? Let him fly to see his kids. Why should everyone work around him.? Let him work, let him feel the evil that he is. His parents and relatives should know what he has done so they know what a creep he is. 

Get your self together and realize that you owe this man nothing not even the pleasure of seeing his children daily. Tell him that you are going to your parents and the mild pain he feels at losing his kids is nothing to the immorality of his actions. Ask him how can ask you to continue to suffer with out support just so that he can see his kids? 

A truly remorseful man could not ask this. If you noticed, his motives for telling you had nothing to do with your suffering but HIS conscious. Do you know what that means - he cares for himself only he does not really care how you feel except that it makes him uncomfortable. 

Tell him that the separation from his kids may help to have simple human feeling and it is good for him. Also that he will get to exercise some initiative and action by coming to see his kids. Otherwise he can wallow in his emptiness with his female friends. 

Read over what you said in your last post and consider why you would not give your self your parents and your kids a chance to be with you and help you heal? Why are you still thinking like this man is human and deserves your care? Do you see? He has isolated and programed you to see the world through his evil eyes. It is time to break the spell and go home. Blot him out of your life except where it comes to your kids. 

As far as being alone - guess again - any woman who loves sex and is capable of love and devotion and who has fascinating looks will have no problem finding love. He may have brain washed you to think that. He is projecting - he is the one who will be alone, not you. And those are the breaks. 

You heal first and next year this time you will know this is the best thing that ever happened to you.


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