# International marriage and him having an affair



## Dia123 (May 23, 2018)

Hello,

I would like to receive some feedback from about my story as well. 

I apologize if the post gets long, but I hope everyone beers with me and hears my story: 

Me and my husband were (still are) married for 2 years, but he just left me three weeks ago. 
To tell you the full story:

He was living and working in my home country (In Europe) as a foreigner from a very different culture (Japan). I have studied Japanese at my university, lived a year there and was fluent in the language and knowledgeable about the customs and culture. 

Long story short, we met, clicked instantly and were living together a month after getting to know each other. I was 22, he was 25 and he was my first boyfriend and first everything. He had a lot of experience before me and our relationship was a lot like student - teacher type. But we were madly in love and happy about each others company. Quite the important detail is that he is a ballet dancer while I had no prior knowledge about arts. 

After living together in my country, we decided to take the next step and moved to Japan. I have just graduated university and so was free to go anywhere. So we came to Japan together, he found a studio to work at and I followed soon to search for work. Finding work was not very easy, due to not having a work visa, so as we wanted to stay together he proposed to me. We marred while being in a 2nd year of our relationship. I soon found a job and we settled in quite nicely. 

A year after us having signed the papers we had a huge wedding, and I changed my surname to his. While preparing for the wedding we both became super busy with work and from that point we started arguing quite often, but the wedding itself was wonderful and we were happy with going forward with our future. 

Now in the summer, a few months after the wedding he became super super busy with his job, often not having a day off in a whole month. I was working as well but had the weekend of, so I did have more time to rest. 

During that time our relationship started to go south I guess. He was expecting from me to spend my whole time off, while cleaning the house and doing errands, which I was quite often skipping to just rest. We argued about it quite often, and I started fixing my problem, but would sometimes return to being lazy. 

So somewhere in November-December we had a huge fight, and while I did not get it, now he says that he warned me, that I if I do not fix my behavior he might consider leaving me. 

After we had that fight we stopped having sex... So basically we were not having sex for 3 month, since December. Of course we tried, but him not being at home during the weekends, constantly tired we kinda lost track of what has happening. And I didn't think that it was such a big problem. Very stupid and naive of me, as his work is being surrounded by beautiful dancers, and travelling to them. 

Now suddenly in March, he told me that he is not satisfied and wants to be left alone for the time being to think our relationship over. I promised to change and tried to make him talk about the problems but during one of such conversations he admitted to have cheated on me in February with one of his close colleagues and friends (also a ballet dancer, I know her personally). 
He said that it was only a one time thing, but he can't imagine a future with me so he thinks it is best to separate. 

I acted desperately, tried to make him stay and he was considering it for a few weeks but at the end decided to move out for the time being to his mothers flat, or so he told me. 

A day after he "moved out" I checked our account on amazon, and noticed that he was purchasing beds and TVS and other stuff to a new address, not his mothers one and some stuff was purchased under his "one time" lovers name. I of course confronted him and he confessed that he actually moved to an address which is a walk away from her flat and that he is meeting with her, and is considering a future with her from now on and wants a divorce. 

Well my world was crushed, and as I came to this country to be with him my future was crushed as well. Plus I have a spousal visa.so if we divorce I might get deported. I do have a chance to change to a work visa, but it takes time. My company supports me, so we are taking steps to change it as soon as possible just to be on the save side. 

Well, since then we have met once, and I have proved to him that I can change and become more responsible, understanding and independent, the things which we complained about. His mother (we are on good terms and she supports me) told me that he was in shock about my change and was very moved about it. But he expressed to her that he can't think of coming back due to the following reasons:

1)Gaining back the trust of my family seems to be too difficult
2)He has a new love interest who is very easy to be with and he might see himself falling on love with her. 

Afterwards we have talked once over the phone regarding my visa status (he is willing to wait as long as I need and not rush the divorce. Plus laws in Japan regarding the divorce are quite strict, so he can only divorce me after three years of living separately). And during that conversation he mentioned being in love with his new lover, as she understand him very easily and does things he needs without having to tell her. 

Now he acknowledges that I have understood where my faults lie within the marriage (the not always keeping the house clean despite him being busy and not showing interest in sex) but he feels that it is too late. 

I at this point wish to get him back, even if for just proving to myself that I can be better and he is wrong. I am not saying that he is correct in his behavior, as both were wrong and cheating is just never right, in any marriage situation. But at this moment, I am sure it will change in the future, I want to get him back. Plus yes of course everything is very fresh ( not even a month has passed) and I still love him. His mother also tells me to wait and he will change his mind. 

Once we met in person after the whole moving out/new lover thing cooled down, we talked for 3 hours and he said that he connected to me like he never did before, so it's a pity that it's too late know. He feels that his new lover (who is older, about 30 and once divorced) is a knew step in his life, as she is mature and easy to be with (she is Japanese as he is) in comparison to my inexperience and net being able to understand his needs (the problem which many interracial couples experience). 

I know his personality: Once he decided on something no one can stop him from doing that. Hence the rash moving out, leasing a new apartment and spending quite a lot of money on it, cutting all his contacts with my family and friends to whom he was super close, and "falling" in love with the new girl. 

He also changed all the passwords on amazon, netflix and so on websites which we shared together yesterday. As he feels I invaded his privacy when I checked the Amazon account. He is kinda paranoid about it. 

We are meeting together this Sunday to talk more, so how do you think I should behave? 

P.S I know i deserve better and I should divorce him for my own sake. I have heard it from many people and I am guessing that I will come to this conclusion in time, but for now I would like to get advice on how to get him back, even if to just prove myself that I can become better. 

P.S.S He always, even now, tells me that I am beautiful while his current lover is very plain, which 
he admitted before. And he loved having a connection to his previous life in Europe and being able to speak my language, and now suddenly he doesn't need it anymore... 

Looking forward to everyone's feedback.


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

You moved countries for him and cultures and now he’s making you beg for him. 
He sounds immature and clearly doesnt know what he wants. You don’t fight for him, he needs to fight for you. 
The best advice in this situation is that you stop talking to him. He’s manipulative. He needs to show he wants you. He cheated on you, left you for another woman and is blaming it all on you.
You also have a job and neee to cook and clean. That is completely unfair.
If you beg him to stay he’ll just do it again. You neee to be strong. Stop talking or just go back to your country if you can


----------



## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

You say you would like advice on how to get him back. You could offer him lots of money? Maybe he would not be able to refuse that?

I would like a lot of money too, but it is not going to magically appear.

Seriously, he dumped you and moved out to be with another woman. Does he need to hang a sign around your neck that says "dumped" for you to get the message?

My honest advice to you is to find yourself a Japanese lawyer ASAP and prepare for the divorce. Even if he is willing to wait on your residency status, you need to protect yourself in the meantime.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I worked for a Japanese global company for many years and spent some periods in Japan. Let me say it is quite a culture shock to move from Europe to Japan and that Japanese men in Japan often behave differently to when they are abroad especially in Europe or the USA.

What you might be experiencing is the typical male behaviour in Japan.

You are young and in my opinion, woefully ill prepared to deal with this. His needs and wants take precedence in a Japanese environments and there are many women available to comply with this. You need to get yourself back to Europe where you can recover, heal and chalk this down to experience.

He is what he is and be thankful that he showed you this early on before you had children or wasted valuable time on this relationship.

Sorry for your hurt, but it could prove strengthening and educational.


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

The ostrich method.

You don't want to know what is in the will? 

She drove all night 10 hours and then just turned around and drove 10 more hours without a word to another soul? 

More speculation from you and gibberish from her that a 10-year-old wouldn't believe?

She knows what happened the past few years, she just doesn't care enough to use you in. When you get the full story, it will make sense.


----------



## Dia123 (May 23, 2018)

Hello, 

Thank you for the advice. 
I actually wish to stay in Japan, as I was just promoted at work and like it here. My company wants to keep me, so they already prepared all the paperwork for visa change, so I am not worried about staying in the country anymore. 

I have been to a lawyer once and we discussed all the possibilities and the law is 100% on my side. Since cheating is against the law in Japan, I can actually get quite a big compensation from my dear hubby if I go to court. And I have a recorded a conversation where he admits to being intimate with his new lover, which I gave to the lawyer and she said that it will be very helpful. 

And I am financially independent from my husband and always was, so there is no threat to my living conditions. 
That's not something that I am worries about, except the expenses for the wedding. Basically my parents paid for most of it and I invited all of my colleagues to it, and after 1 year, I am already talking about a divorce. It just feels like a scam from my husbands part and he is running away so fast it's kinda ridiculous... 

Yes I am aware that I was dumped, i don't kid myself about my husband crawling back to me and professing that he was wrong. What I meant is that, for me to regain my confidence I want to proof that I can be everything he ever wanted and much much more. Right now his mode is that he had a right to cheat because I was such a bad wife, not having sex and not keeping the house clean, that he just had no choice but to leave me. He hates being the "bad guy" so much that he created million reasons to all his friends, portraying me as the "horrible wife" while he has the one who ran way from commitment as soon as things turned "difficult"

Yes somewhere in my mind I have a small wish to regain our marriage, but it's just a small weakness which I allow myself to dream about. The relationship as it was is over, and can never be regained, but I can't just erase all the feeling I have for him... I did make the mistake of "not trying" while being married, so I guess I can just try to be the best version of myself from now on, and show him what he lost...

Maybe it's just me being childish, but I am only 25, he is 29, and we married without thinking about difficult things too much...


----------



## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Dia123, I am glad to hear that you have already thought about a lot of these issues. From your first post, I was afraid you were pining away after something that was already lost.

I don't know Japanese culture, but I think in this case you should stick with your core values. Where I come from, there aren't any excuses that fly for "he cheated". I suspect that even in Japan, when he is telling his friends that he was completely justified for cheating, that his friends have some internal doubts about that. I get that there is some embarrassment from the breakup of the marriage, but I think you shouldn't be afraid to tell people "he cheated" and should hold your head up high.

Just learn from the situation and be the best person you can be. Don't worry about him - being "everything he ever wanted". He is in the rear view mirror. Focus on yourself and looking forward. Best wishes to you!


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

There is a difference between saying there were problems in the relationship and him blaming everything on you. He needs to be begging you on hands and knees for you to stay. 
Good luck.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Dia123 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I would like to receive some feedback from about my story as well.
> 
> ...



Hi Dia,

Sorry you have gone through so much. I am in an interracial marriage, we are from opposite sides of the world and I also moved to my H's country when I was in my mid 20's. 
I will say this, your H is selfish and immature. He has not taken into consideration the huge sacrifices you have made to be with him, the self motivation to get a job in a foreign country and learn a new (difficult language), he harps on about the house and sex. Please! He is trying to blame you for his cheating. YOu are NOT to blame at all, he is self centred and a POS to be honest.
You are also making a huge mistake in running after him, bending over backwards to please him and try and get him back. YOu should not want such a man back. No doubt he does not want a wife, he wants a mother, someone who takes care of him in every way, hence the older woman. You are better off with out him. 
Do the 180, go no contact
insist on the divorce once you have your work permit.,
try to speak with a lawyer to see what your options are, enlist a good Japanese friend to help you
make it as uncomfortable for him as possible,
do not rely on his mother, or take her advice, she will have his interests at heart ultimately
Take care of yourself, but your own interests first
He has treated you terribly unreasonably, dumped you, blamed you for his cheating, lied to you about everything, why on earth would you want such a person.
You are young, you now have foreign work experience under your belt, realize you made a mistake in marrying him and move on with your life and meet someone worthy of you.


----------



## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Not keeping the house clean is part of the reason he cheated? Why is that even part of the discussion? Yes it is good to not be lazy. But as one of the reasons he is using to cheat it is very petty and you should ignore that aspect of his excuses. Hiring the housework out would have been a good solution with both of you working. 

Regarding sexual intimacy, both of you are responsible to facilitate satisfaction in each other. And then work to correct deficiencies. Neglecting sexual intimacy in a marriage has consequences but still never a reason to cheat. Being tired is part of life. Hiring sexual intimacy out comes with negative consequences. 

To me it sounds like he wanted to cheat with one of his “beautiful” dancers and is using petty excuses to make it sound not so bad to himself and to you.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You don't have children with the cheater. You've dodged a bullet.

Good for you to have spoken with a lawyer, recorded a conversation where he admitted to having an (illegal) affair, and for learning your rights.

Let him go. If after 2 years he is already cheating, he will continue to do so. There are no "reasons" for cheating, only excuses. If he wasn't happy in the marriage, he should have spoken with you and given things a chance to change/improve. If they didn't, he should have filed for divorce instead of cheating.

As per his behavior in Europe, it is common for people to change their behaviors to fit the culture they are visiting, then go back to being the way they really are when back in their own culture. In chauvinist cultures, the male and female have their roles, but usually the "weaker" one has power in other ways, which makes it work for them.

It sounds like he is "wife shopping." He thought you were exotic and a status symbol, but then saw the grass was greener when he got back home.

I can't wait to hear that his own country skewered him for behaving the way he did. Treating you that way when you gave up literally everything to be with him is heartless and selfish.

There is no reason for you to leave Japan once you are divorced if you love the culture. Perhaps you will meet another expatriate, have more in common with him, marry and stay in Japan as a married woman again.

On another note: do you have anyone, like a counselor where you can process your feelings and get moral support?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OutofRetirement said:


> The ostrich method.
> 
> You don't want to know what is in the will?
> 
> ...


Sorry mate, wrong thread! But I agree with your post as it relates to the other thread to which it refers. Should be reposted there.


----------



## Dia123 (May 23, 2018)

Hello Everyone,

Well I have met with my husband once again and the results are mixed. 

We talked about his affair and he apologized for being unfaithful and told me that he was weak in that moment. And he said that yes, he is still meeting sometimes with her but 
they have an understanding of just comforting each other and don't think of a future together or something similar. She also divorced recently and both are not interested in a serious relationship, kids, marriage and so on. 
But she does keep him from being lonely, and is one of the reasons why he won't run back to me. 

In regards to our previous relationship we both admitted to being wrong: I rejected him when he wanted to become intimate, didn't try to attract him and lessen his burden around the house, while he never took the marriage as something very serious, and once he started feeling lonely, he stopped trying to love me and just went somewhere where he felt he was more appreciated. 
He felt that I didn't love him and wouldn't change for him, even though he asked me to do it more than once. So he felt that he just didn't have a choice but to leave me and yes he was sorry that an another woman entered in between, but truth to be told she was not the one keeping him away. 

He just has lost his trust in me and although he loves me as a person, he lost his feeling of love for me as a "lover", his wife and in the future the mother of his children. 
At this moment he can't forgive me for "neglecting" him although he tried. He said that his mind forgave me, but his heart didn't. At that moment I did start crying as did he, and kept saying the words at this moment he hasn't forgiven him, but he doesn't know what will happen in the future. 

I told him, that I myself still haven't forgiven him his cheating and taking the "easy" way of meeting with the same woman, and I don't know if I ever will, but I would like us to try and fix this. 

He said that he is afraid of that I am forcing myself to forgive him, just because I am afraid to be without him. And that's not healthy. 

Plus he doesn't know what he wants. He does have some feeling for his new lover and does feel that I have changed for the best and is very happy that I am still thinking about him and finally acknowledging his feelings. 

But in the end he does think that it will be just easier to divorce. 

I was quite emotional during the meeting, from saying that we can still and fix this to becoming angry and asking for a divorce, to then going back to saying that I want us to be together. 

So in the end he left and then called me in a few hours and said that we should stop meeting for a while. As he feels that I am just thinking about how to make him come back and not trying to move on at all. At this moment, he can't come back to me and doesn't want to meet with me if I become so emotional. He can try from being friends in the future, but only once I acknowledge that we are over. I need to try and live, like we are already divorced, like I don't have a husband anymore, date other people and then see if I still want him back. As he currently does not want me back. 

I told him that I don't think that I want to be friends with him, as cheating is something that I will probably never forgive and forget. He said that he understands and accepts it and if I want to get divorced right now, he will agree and If I want money he will pay me. 

I did think that I was ready to move on, but I am clearly not.. It's been a month since we separated, and the moment I saw him, I remembered our life before and just tried desperately to have it back. I guess I just need to stop meeting with him and accept that it's already over... Which is harder that I though, since he looked so miserable, thin and like he was not sleeping. He is clearly unhappy, which I was not prepared to see. 
I though he will be happy with his new life and lover, so it will help me to move in myself... But when I see him unhappy it just makes me pity him and the feelings of wanting to take care of him just come forward.... 

But I guess I need to move on, and just send him the divorce papers without meeting him directly. Otherwise I will falter once again...


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Listen, I don't know if it is your, you culture, or emotional and relational immaturity, but the way that you are thinking is way off base. 

What he did was convince you that his affair is your fault. Further, he said that he was not going to stop seeing her. 

And you bought in to it. Now denying your husband sex is not generally a good idea, but his affair is his problem. 

You did not cause it. 

So yes you need to divorce him ASAP. 

Then, somehow, you need to understand what a healthy relationship look like. 

And you need some type of therapy that might help you understand how marriages and relationships are suppose to work.


----------



## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

He's messing with your head, you should mess with his. Fight fire with fire.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He is trying to look like the "good guy." He has convinced you that his affair is your fault, and that he is nice enough to want to remain friends with you, even after what you did to him to cause him to have an affair.

He sounds like a manipulator.

You know in your gut that there is no excuse for an affair.

My ex husband wanted to remain friends. He wanted to look like such a nice guy. I told him that ex spouses should not remain friends, especially when there is a 3rd person involved. He was from a foreign culture too.

Keep reading and posting here, and you're resolve, clarity and lots of support.


----------

