# Emotional Abuse? partner told counsellor I was guilty of it



## andy1 (Sep 10, 2011)

Hi, 

Separated for nearly two weeks, ex agreed to go to marriage counsellor, and I was devastated to hear her describe my treatment of her as emotional abuse.

We have 2 kids, I've never cheated, abused her or the kids. I raise my voice if the kids are naughty sometimes. I am not a passionate person outwardly - but inside I am very very sensitive. 

I have been pushed away for the last few years, no intimacy, tlc or love has come my way either. She battles her own depression and has a physical condition that has also caused depression due to being in daily pain, a bi polar mother in law doestnt help either. 

How do I get a second chance. She said she wants to split permanently. I love her and want to show her I can change. I am going to book a counsellor to talk about my emotional issues. I will show feelings, show I care, I fear its to late. 
Any advice???


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

andy1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Separated for nearly two weeks, ex agreed to go to marriage counsellor, and I was devastated to hear her describe my treatment of her as emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


This isn't that simple. Emotional abuse is a very painful turn of phrase but at some point all of us have done it to another human being. I would strongly recommend getting the book "The emotionally abusive relationship"- I recently finished this and it helped me to understand how both myself AND my husband were being emotionally abusive towards each other and also to not be afraid of that word. I think our human egos are so fragile, the word "abuse" so harsh- we don't want to believe it so we live in denial. You CAN be a good person and be abusive sometimes, violate someone's boundaries.

You say you are "very, very sensitive", my husband is the same way. This can manifest itself in some emotionally abusive tendencies such as narcissism, needing to have things your way, openly criticizing HER but being hypersensitive to any perceived negative feelings your way. Expecting a perfect love that does not exist, emotional codependency, etcetera. You really need to be willing to dig deep and #1 identify what is inappropriate about your behavior and hers, and #2 determine the source of your own behavior. She would not be calling you "emotional abuser" if there was not at least some element of truth to it. And it doesn't make you a bad person, not at all! 

I would highly recommend the book I referred to, it has helped me SOOOOO much!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's bi-polar, so, by definition, her relationships are going to be difficult. She can change partners 500 times and every one of her relationships are going to be difficult. You have a pretty good idea if you've been abusive or not. It's not unusual to hear ridiculous allegations coming out of the mouth of someone with a diagnosed personality disorder. What's she gonna tell the counselor? "I'm unhappy because I suffer from depression and I have bi-polar."? If she was that cognitively aware, she wouldn't need help dealing with her disorder. Mine suffers from bi-polar and depression, too. I can honestly say there's not one person in her life, past or present that she doesn't lash out against. Her focus is upon herself like a laser at least 99% of the time. Just keeping herself sane takes all her energy and there's basically nothing left for me or anyone else. If I internalized every allegation she lobbed my way, I'd have to consider myself the worst human on the planet and I'd eat a pistol just to save the earth from my presence. She's sick. people with the flu cough and people with bi-polar often say baseless, hurtful things.


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## susangpyp (Sep 11, 2011)

Bipolar is not a personality disorder. You might be thinking of borderline personality disorder. Not the same thing.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Abuse is in the eye of the beholder.....

It's amazing to me what some people consider abusive (raising your voice for example). 

Either way, you can't make her want to work on the M. You can deal with whatever you think your issues are, and being rejected is a doozie! So do go to counseling, strive to be the best person you can be... be there for your kids. Especially if wife is off her rocker, they will need a solid parent. 

MAYBE your wife will really SEE you and want the M. Maybe she won't.... but you will be stronger and more in tune with your SELF either way!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

susangpyp said:


> Bipolar is not a personality disorder. You might be thinking of borderline personality disorder. Not the same thing.


I stand corrected. Whatever sort of disorder it is, it is a disorder which means it adversely affects major life activities and her feelings would often be unreliable indicators of reality.


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## andy1 (Sep 10, 2011)

andy1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Separated for nearly two weeks, ex agreed to go to marriage counsellor, and I was devastated to hear her describe my treatment of her as emotional abuse.
> 
> ...


Thank you, My partner or ex partner is not bi polar, her mother is. It is difficult for her to deal with this. Stress has added up over the last two months with her mother living with us. That caused rows between us. 

I left to avoid rows, she mistook that as I left the relationship. And she does not want me back. We are amicable over the children. She has put all my things together for me to collect. I have said I'd like her to keep an open mind, go to counselling - not to split up - but to become better. She has made her mind up I fear. I've started looking for a counselor for my 'emotional make up. I hope this will show her in my words and actions that I mean to change. I hope she will give us a last chance. We are seeing a counselor for the second time this week, I hope it not the last. I do love her, but she has convinced herself I do not love her. I do not know what else to do. Do I write her a letter putting in words my feelings. I have kept away over the last 2 weeks as I do not want to have an argument with her mother. , do I stay away from the house, do I spend time in the house with the kids. Any ideas.... Her mother is going home to her own house for a few weeks next week.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can plead your case to her again and see what she says. Ball is in her court. If she isn't receptive you will have to concede. Get counselling for yourself. As someone who was married to an emotional abuser , I can tell you it will be difficult to prove you can change and stop the behavior. Actions...not words...are the key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

andy1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> Separated for nearly two weeks, ex agreed to go to marriage counsellor,* and I was devastated to hear her describe my treatment of her as emotional abuse.*
> 
> ...


Did she say in what way? You sure don't seem like an emotional abuser.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Its rare the abuser who 'seems' like an abuser. Emotional abuse is extremely insidious. Find out why she says you're emot. abusive and post why here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

andy1 said:


> *I have been pushed away for the last few years, no intimacy, tlc or love has come my way either. *She battles her own depression and has a physical condition that has also caused depression due to being in daily pain, a bi polar mother in law doestnt help either.


Isn't this emotional abuse? 

She has deprived you of intimacy and love and I'm guessing sex as well. Maybe you have been emotionally abusive... but she seems just as guilty of it.


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## andy1 (Sep 10, 2011)

Yes she has deprived me of sex, intimacy, this is a form of emotional abuse. I dont want to accuse her of it, i want a counsellor to bring it up. Hopefully then she will see that it is not only myself that caused this. She says I nag her, if I phone her from work that I am checking up on her, I am only phoning to ask how her day is going. Anything I do she has now preprogrammed herself to think it is negative. 

We have booked a counsellor for tomorrow, her bi polar mother is going back this week, I think I shall start going down to the house almost daily now to see the kids. I dont know legally if she can kick me out and all my stufff too. 

The emotional abuse I know about is not being open and loving, making comments at tv programs she likes and wants to watch, dissaproving of a rushed burnt meal that she may have cooked. That type of thing. 

My next thing is do I send a love letter?
Do I still try to keep my distance from her or go down the house more - Ive only stayed away to gather my thoughts, have the kids at my parents, and avoid the mother in law. 

Thanks


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