# Now What?



## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Well its been a month since I found out that my ex was an adultress, a month since the divorce papers where signed and two weeks since the judge finalized them. I'm living at my parents at the moment, which is nice because you can always rely on your parents, but awkward being back after ten years not being there. Its also hard because at dinner they tend to talk about back when they were first dating/married in their early to mid twenties. Reminds me that all my stories from that age are now null and void.

So now what?

I've had a few interesting conversations the past week or so. One was with my high school girlfriend. We got to be good friends a few years after we broke up, but haven't talked much of late. I told her about the situation, she was shocked as her and my ex got along really well and she thought my ex was perfect for me. I asked her about why she broke up with me all those years ago. I know it's silly, and it was high school, but I thought it would be interesting to hear. She chuckled and said, "Well... you were too nice. You catered to my every whim. I wanted something more exciting after awhile." And the she sighed and said, "So I just shut you out of my mind. I was done, so I just stopped caring about you and dumped you. In hindsight that was pretty harsh." I laughed and said that I'm over it. She said that I'd get over my ex in time, too.
One interesting thing was that after I discribed what my ex did, she said, "Oh... wow. I've been having some of those thoughts about my husband." I told her that now she knows, talk to him. Don't let this happen to you. So maybe someone will benefit from this hell I'm enduring?
The other conversation was with an old friend of mine. By old I mean he's 72, and a very interesting guy. Did psychological warfare for the Army back in Vietnam and Eastern Europe in the 70's. I bring that up because he's a very keen observer of the human condition. We talked for damn near two hours and he brought up all sorts of interesting observations. I'll share a few, very edited ones here (he swears like you wouldn't believe!)
One was that he thought that my marriage was in trouble many years ago when I made a comment to him about how before I met my ex, I was hemorrhaging money and she got my house in order. And it wasn't so much that that happened, but rather that I talked in terms of such adoration of her. That I was indebted to her for this. He pointed out how unhealthy this was, and he started to notice this in other things I'd say about her. That no man should be in adoration of his wife, he should appriciate her, should love her, but never worship her.
The next was two years ago when I lost my job, after a few months of unemployment my wife almost left to go to her parent's to "think". My friend said that her _ONLY_ reaction should have been, "F*ck that job! I never liked those guys anyway. Besides, now we get to spend more time together. We'll get through this. If I have to work two jobs for a bit, then thats what I'll do!" He emphasised and reemphasised that point. Told me thats the point that _I_ should have walked because any wife, any _friend_, who would consider leaving in that situation for any reason wasn't worth it. He was right.
Finally, and I'll share this more for humour's sake, he said that my ex probably started detaching completely a year ago or so, and at that point the only way, the ONLY way I could have saved the marriage was (this is vebatim), "To have her walk in on you with Nelly-Mae screaming to god and heaven while you're giving her the high hard one! Because that would have shown that c*** that she's just as replaceable to you as she's started to think of you."

Between these two conversations, and other soul searching, I've kinda sorted out that I've had confidence and self worth issues for a long time. I've always been the perpetual "nice guy" always assuming that I was just being gentlemanly. That, as many on here have said, I should never put a woman up on a pedestal (unless its to look up her skirt). That I have to be content with myself before I can ever be happy in a relationship.
I wish I had know these things before, because I still think that my ex and I were good for each other for a long time. And that had I had some of this insight years ago, perhaps things would have been different. Its sad to think in those terms, but your mind obviously wanders that way. Next time, I guess.

So now I just need to work on being single. On being happy with myself and confident in who I am. Thats going to take a lot of work, I think. Slowly but surely, right?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Yes - slowly but surely.

I know I've said this before, but I expected to hear angel's trumpets and feel a literal weight lifted off my shoulders when the judge signed the papers.

But the reality is that I still have good days and plenty of bad ones.

I'm learning to NOT beat myself up about how the house looks, or really much of anything. When I feel good, I'm productive. When I'm tired, I try to rest.

The old HS girlfriend though? I would stay away from that situation - especially since she confided in you that they are having some troubles. Even if you have the best of intentions - of helping her with her marriage - its just not a situation for you to be in right now.

Hang in there...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

just a friendly reminder-

talking to an ex who is married about marital problems can be a very slippery slope despite how well intentioned it is


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, I think you judge yourself too harshly about your ex. You can't re-write your psychological history. It was good while you were in it, you enjoyed it, and then something happened and you have learned from it. No harm done. Don't try to control your future relationships...in general they will improve because your knowledge and awareness and confidence will have improved because you are the sort of person to seek out enlightenment...but each relationship is a growing experience, the best you can do is to find someone who is on the same wavelength as you about growth vs. perfect relationship sold pre-assembled...and then commit to the growth experience and communicate along the way. I wouldn't try to apply all the new knowledge all at once, that will be overwhelming. But it seems like that's what you're already saying!


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Stop it with the High School ex, her opening that up to you is bad news. This is how these affairs start, do not become the very person we all despise here. THE OM! (I am not saying you would do anything, but there were feelings here in the past, she opened up about her marriage problems. You were an ear and probably made her feel good. She needs to talk to her husband about these feelings not you.)

I wish I had that old friend of yours because he is brilliant and spot on about everything. Even the last part.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> The old HS girlfriend though? I would stay away from that situation - especially since she confided in you that they are having some troubles. Even if you have the best of intentions - of helping her with her marriage - its just not a situation for you to be in right now.


+1. This could very easily be a powder keg.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Traggy said:


> Stop it with the High School ex, her opening that up to you is bad news. This is how these affairs start, do not become the very person we all despise here. THE OM! (I am not saying you would do anything, but there were feelings here in the past, she opened up about her marriage problems. You were an ear and probably made her feel good. She needs to talk to her husband about these feelings not you.)
> 
> I wish I had that old friend of yours because he is brilliant and spot on about everything. Even the last part.


Yeah, I see what you mean. She's a thousand miles away though, and not nearly as attractive as she used to be.  Now her best friend just moved back to town and she's single and looking hot... 

Yeah, he's straight bad a$$.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

distance doesn't stop EA's

please trust us about this, we've seen a ton of stories like start like that in CWI. You can have the best of intentions but you can really damage her marriage.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"Between these two conversations, and other soul searching, I've kinda sorted out that I've had confidence and self worth issues for a long time. I've always been the perpetual "nice guy" always assuming that I was just being gentlemanly"

DUDE, I just read most of No More Mr. Nice Guy (R.Glover), and yeah, it appears that I have at least filled that authors definition of the nice guy. I subscribed to patience, longsuffering, and sacrifice as the winning combo for the marriage. Would have been nice to spend the time having fun instead.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I like what your friend had to say, especially the part about how your wife should have reacted when you lost your job! "F*ck that job. I never liked those guys anyway. Besides now we get to spend more time together..." is pretty much the reaction I had when my husband lost his job (different language, same sentiment )


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You ask now what... Now the new chapter of your life begins.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

OldGirl said:


> I like what your friend had to say, especially the part about how your wife should have reacted when you lost your job! "F*ck that job. I never liked those guys anyway. Besides now we get to spend more time together..." is pretty much the reaction I had when my husband lost his job (different language, same sentiment )


He has alot of wisdom and life experience. I never thought about what he said. I always felt guilty for putting more stress on her, in reality I should have been upset that she wasn't more supportive. Oh well.



Jellybeans said:


> You ask now what... Now the new chapter of your life begins.


Indeed. Hard to imagine, a year about we were about to head out on a trip to Chicago. It was a great trip, lots of fun. I find myself remembering things about that trip and I get down. Need to stop that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, you do. 

Plan a trip somewhere you haven't been before.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

In process.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Awesome!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I agree with Jelly, later this year when this is all done, my best friend (who is going through a divorce) and I are going to take a man's weekend away to Vegas....hope it doesn't turn out to be "THe Hangover Part 3"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What happens in Vegas...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I recommend the Luxor. They have a pool that's amazing. Babes everywhere... a veritable smorgasbord of honeys.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Vegas... Ugh.  There is so much beautiful, vast desert to explore near there. But if thats your thing...


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Well I've always wanted to visit the Phoenix area, or New York City
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm going to Atlanta next week on business. Never been there, but probably won't get out of the conference that much. Going to Seattle end of next month for a few days. I've spent a fair amount of time there, but I love that city and it'll be nice to create some new memories without her.
In addition to those, I've got a busy month! Camping trips every weekend, events that I'm working for some of the organizations I'm a member of. Hopefully that'll keep my mind off things.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

SRN said:


> Vegas... Ugh.  There is so much beautiful, vast desert to explore near there. But if thats your thing...


I agree. Last time I went to Vegas I kept staring out at the desert thinking, "I'd rather be camping".


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Camping is a huge trigger forme right now. One of the stupid reasons my stbxw gave as to why she wanted a divorce, was seaparte interests, she loves camping and I don't. Its not that I don't mind camping, its that since I work retail I work most weekends. So right now when people mention camping it kind of hurts. I know its strange.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

OldGirl said:


> I agree. Last time I went to Vegas I kept staring out at the desert thinking, "I'd rather be camping".


Every time. I hate Vegas, its just so fake. Plus I don't gamble, so whats the point? I guess theres the NTS tour that leaves from UNLV. Thats about the only value that I see to Vegas. [/rant]



proudwidaddy said:


> Camping is a huge trigger forme right now. One of the stupid reasons my stbxw gave as to why she wanted a divorce, was seaparte interests, she loves camping and I don't. Its not that I don't mind camping, its that since I work retail I work most weekends. So right now when people mention camping it kind of hurts. I know its strange.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My ex gave the same reason. Differing interests. BS. I own a small online camping equipment store and co-own a forum dedicated to vehicle based backcountry exploration of my state, so I spend a LOT of time in the backcountry camping. My ex wasn't really into it, but last Labor Day she wanted to go with me on a trip, so we bought a super nice Springbar tent, pulled out my dads old two burner Coleman stove and tried to make it really comfy for her. She had a blast and was talking about coming on other trips. 
Its been hard for me to get back out there because I always loved coming home to her. Now I come home to an empty house... But its what I _do_. You know? I mean I live to explore the backcountry. People always tell me how highly respected I am in the community and with land managers (makes me sound important, I know) so giving up on it just isn't an option. So I've booked up my May with tons of fun trips. Now I just need to replace the rig that she took...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

proudwidaddy said:


> Camping is a huge trigger forme right now. One of the stupid reasons my stbxw gave as to why she wanted a divorce, was seaparte interests, she loves camping and I don't. Its not that I don't mind camping, its that since I work retail I work most weekends. So right now when people mention camping it kind of hurts. I know its strange.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've got two songs - for two different reasons - that are pretty big triggers.

And nothing strange about any trigger really...


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Camping is a huge trigger forme right now. One of the stupid reasons my stbxw gave as to why she wanted a divorce, was seaparte interests, she loves camping and I don't. Its not that I don't mind camping, its that since I work retail I work most weekends. So right now when people mention camping it kind of hurts. I know its strange.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, Proud. NiceGuy's right; there's nothing strange about it. It is what it is. Have fun in Vegas. Maybe you can get that phoenix rising from the ashes tattoo while you're there


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

This may sound strange, rude and a bit crazy.

Was thinking the other day - if I could have sex with a woman while my "trigger" songs were playing it would probably be GREAT therapy!

So Proud - maybe if you could get a date to "camp out" in the backyard some night...???


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