# Marriage Confusion



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Greetings,

I could really use some advice. Of course, it would help if my wife's thoughts were here, as this will of course only reflect my viewpoint on our marriage and I can be pretty clueless.

I've been with my wife for 15 years (married for 8). We have two great kids. It's my first marriage, her second. We got together before she'd separated from her first husband when she was in her mid-20s. I wasn't her first affair, although I was the first who wasn't a one-night stand.

My wife has rheumatoid arthritis, which has slowly gotten worse over the years. I've known this since I met my wife and entered into marriage fully aware that it was an important aspect of her. She's a great mom who's wonderful with our kids.

We both work demanding jobs, full time. I also travel a lot. When I'm home (60-80% of the time), I do almost all the chores. (Getting the kids up, dressed, fed and out the door, picking up the kids, making dinner, doing most of the laundry, paying all the bills, an doing all the repairs around the house.) My wife cooks the occasional meal on weekends and buys the kids clothes. When I'm gone, my wife has to do everything. I don't mind the balance of chores and I know that even this much leaves her with little energy.

I love my wife very much, but I'm beginning to worry that she no longer loves me. I don't ever want to get divorced and I don't ever want to betray my marriage. I'm also willing to put my happiness last if I can somehow construct a situation that will allow my kids to grow up happy and loved.

We last had sex 3.5 years ago, at her initiation after she drank 3 beers. (It was the first time after our second child was born.) She's never said yes since, and I've slowly stopped trying to initiate sex. When I do try these days, I feel so freaking awkward that it can't possibly be very inviting. To be honest, I don't miss the sex anywhere near as much as I miss the sense of being loved. I'd be happy to have any level of physical relationship her body could handle if there was a strong emotional relationship.

More importantly, my wife never tells me she loves me and she has no interest in physical contact in any situation. She seems to avoid every situation where it might seem necessary to say the word "Love" ... e.g. she never gives me cards, doesn't reply in kind in email or on the phone with a "Love you" sign off and doesn't answer if I say it directly. She never takes an opportunity to tell me something nice but never misses an opportunity to point out when I do something wrong. I'm having a really hard time differentiating between her arthritis making it impossible for her to respond physically (and therefore causing her to withdraw emotionally) and her just growing uninterested in me.

Yet, despite all that, we get along great as long as I don't push it. We have a lot in common, we talk, we laugh, etc. It's just like we're best friends, not married or lovers.

I've tried to talk to her several times about our relationship (not just the sex part) and she just turns away and completely shuts up.

At this point, in addition to feeling unloved, I'm also feeling confused and humiliated. Since she won't talk to me about what's wrong, my over-active imagination oscillates between thinking I should be more patient and loving, to I've gained weight and am no longer attractive, to she doesn't like my personality, to she's having an affair. (Regarding the last point, I decided when we got married that I would trust her absolutely, despite our past history, and she's never done anything to suggest otherwise. But, in the back of my mind, I know she's done it before and lately I've been so upset and confused I find my sense of trust disintegrating.)

My thoughts are all over the place, just like this note. I'm terrified my marriage will slowly fall apart, with an increasingly negative impact on my kids. I really love my wife and I want to be a better husband, but I feel like I'm not making any progress and we're slowly losing ground.

I just don't know what to do.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

i feel so badly for you & how you are feeling. i can tell you really love her despite her treatment of you. i find it amazing when men say they go "years" without sex with their wives & don't cheat. you are a pretty incredible & understanding man from what i am reading.

i can't advise as i am in a situation where my sex drive dropped, but we were still having sex at least 1-3 times a month & he is ready to leave me behind that.

as for her RA, is she getting any treatment for it, such as Remicade, Reclast etc.... if she has not sought a good rheumatologist, she should. I happen to work for one & he has many patients that benefit from these drugs.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback. I do really love her.

My wife does get medicine for her arthritis and has a rheumatologist, but she still needs lots of sleep, has little energy, and doesn't do all that much physically.


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## rough400 (Mar 14, 2009)

i think you ahould talk about it with her?she might have some concerns which is making her not being show her emotions..she might have developed som bitterness over the years..i think you need to break the ice to know why she is running you down everytime...


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

So I remember reading a post that said no one ever follows up. So, I'm following up, since I appreciated reading the other threads in this forum.

I got increasingly convinced she was having an affair and snooped a bit. There were regular calls from someone not in her cell phone address book at times she said she was doing something else. So, I left a hidden tape recorder on when I went out of town. Turns out, she was having an affair.

I confronted her about it, found out it had been going on for 5 years, roughly the length of time I had felt her slowly pulling away from me, which I attributed to her illness.

We're now in counseling and she has supposedly ended the affair. We both clearly have a lot of problems and issues to address. I'm still not sure if I want to forgive her or can ever trust her again, but I'm not rushing to make a decision, since we have young children.

Lesson learned: Trust your feelings and talk about it, even if there is a plausible alternative explanation. The worst thing you can do is stop talking.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

One more thing: She denied it vehemently when I first confronted her. If I hadn't been absolutely rock sure she was cheating (i.e. a tape recording), I would have believed her.


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## Tr000thSeeker (May 11, 2009)

Would you please tell us why she did it? It would help understand this behavior pattern.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Five years! Dang! That's unbelieveable. And totally abhorent. 

My gf cheated on me for months and I'm glad we're done. 

I can't help but say that if I was in your shoes, she'd have road rash on her butt from being kicked out so fast. JMHO


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

totallyconfused-

I just can't understand why you put up with no sex for 3 1/2 years. This says as much about you as it does about her. What is the situation now?


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I put up with no sex because I willingly married a woman with rheumatoid arthritis who I was in love with. It was a reasonable supposition on my part (probably unconsciously or consciously encouraged by her) that she wasn't up to it physically anymore. Obviously not true in retrospect, but her cheating was rare (few times a year) because of the disease, so there really was a basis. We're getting a lot of counseling now, but neither of us is ready to work on fixing that part of our marriage yet.

As for why she did it? I can be a little bit jealous, plus she interpreted my probably excessive bids for affection as controlling. She views a lot of life through the prism of 'control'. That's her explanation. My interpretation is that she fears conflict, is torn up by guilt, projects guilt through resentment of me, and wants to segregate her co-parent from her lover, because it's easier. Basically, she's an emotional chicken**** who took the easy way out. 

I have no idea if I'm going to stick with her. I'm making a good-faith effort to see if there's a way forward because we have young children, whose futures I care about more than my own. But, I'm not going to stay together just because of them, because I've also seen that backfire in a big way growing up.

We'll see.


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Not trying to be rude but your wife was a cheater then, a cheater now and I have zero doubts that if given the chance will be a cheater tomorrow.

I think you need to seek a little one on one therapy to see why is it you still stay with this woman. You might find out a few things about yourself.


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