# Need help figuring out the next step... I'm SO unhappy :(



## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't have anyone to talk to... I'm feeling really alone right now.

I think I need to get a divorce, but I don't know where to start, what to do or where to go.

I got married for the wrong reasons. I married my best friend. I'm not in any danger, but I'm SO unhappy. I know he's not happy, either.

I was getting out of a relationship to someone I feel was sort of the love of my life, so I was pretty down overall. My current husband pursued and pursued me, and since I was having a terrible time at home with my mother, I moved in with him.

We are friends. We laugh a lot, have a great time... but there is, nor was there ever any chemistry there for me. He made me feel loved, safe and important and I have respect and admiration for him... I thought that was enough.

Well, now he's wanting more passion and I'm feeling like I'm more his Mom than his wife.

He works from home and has one hobby that he spends all his time obsessing on, I do everything else (and I work very part time). Down to getting the oil change done on his car, pay all the bills and forcing him to go to the doctor. He leaves messes for me like a 10 year old. Now, I feel like I'm totally his Mommy.

He also bathes 1-2 times a week. At most. It's getting worse. I think there's something chemically unbalanced in his brain. All of this OCD is just getting worse and worse.

I can't handle it anymore.

I've voiced my concerns at least a hundred times. I've tried leaving him for a week, making little reminder calendars, setting up reminder emails... we've tried counseling... I've held out sex for a few months now. Nothing works. He doesn't bathe or help me around the house unless I start a fight. It SUCKS.

I figured I could spend a lifetime with him if we could continue to at least have mutual respect and still laugh together, but for the last few years he's been depressed, I've been depressed and now he's complaining that *I'm* not passionate and loving towards him anymore and he's unhappy  I've NEVER had my needs, other than financial, met. Ever. I don't think he's right in telling me that my running circles around him, cleaning, laundry, cooking... is NOT showing that I care. Especially when he hasn't lifted a finger for me without a fight and me begging, in over a decade.

It's my own fault. I married him. I settled in and created this perfect little world that I wanted SO bad. Everything is set, except for the guy I married. Totally my fault.

But, how do I undo this now?  I guess one step at a time, move out etc.

We don't have kids, which is a blessing... but we do have a dog we both love a lot. And I'm thousands of miles away from my hometown, so... getting support will be tough. Guess I just need to suck it up and figure it out.

Any advice or words from experience would be so welcome  Thank you.


----------



## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

The more I reflect on my own life, the more I am reminded of just how important it is to marry the right person. I know this sounds ridiculously naive, and does not take into account that often, we FEEL at the time that he/she is the right choice, but nonetheless, I would have saved myself a world of hurt had I married a woman who was a true friend to me, as well as a woman whom I was physically compatible with.

Thankfully I have such a partner today. Is there any possibility that you can discover (or rediscover) a physical interest in your husband? Can this be discussed at length with him before you begin to take action? He can learn to pick up after himself and shower daily, can't he? If you are best friends and enjoy each others company, doesn't that count for something?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, you know I'm wondering why you stay! But, each of us has to do things in our own time.

He sounds pretty dysfunctional--have the two of you seen a medical doctor--psychiatrist--to discuss his behaviors? Not showering, not cleaning, not tending to routine parts of life is very odd in a grown person. And then he hasn't responded to your leaving--definitely a sign he does not really seem to care. Could be depressed, could be utterly selfish. Either way, you seem to have reached your tipping point and if you can't take it, you can't take it. Not having kids makes it a lot easier, so don't make any mistakes and get pregnant now! Good luck.


----------



## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

It's so tough because it's like we have two separate relationships... Like he has two personalities.

In one, we are best friends, have great conversations and really enjoy each others company. I genuinely like spending time with him. At this time, I feel like we are equals.

He's a great and loyal guy if you are friends. I feel that he's just... different... to his partner. If you are his partner, you have to pick up the slack and never ever ask him to do anything. Anything related to money, the home, cars, health, paperwork... you know, "adult" stuff... it just makes him angry... so I refrain from bringing it up. And it was okay for 10 years, but I'm tired now.

He gets angry and stubborn if I try to take any of his time away from him, even if its for his own benefit. If it's not his idea, he ain't doing it. It's gotten to the point now that I can't even talk to him about it... he won't listen. And in this area, I just feel like he doesn't respect me.

I'm lucky that I'm not in danger or yes, that we don't have kids...

Even if we got divorced, I know we could stay friends. We respect each other on that level. But for his sake, I hope he can lighten up when it comes to feeling controlled by a woman because his next partner would probably take less than I did.

I've been reading about ADD and I think that might be him. Hyper focused on whatever it is he's doing, and anything else that takes away energy or focus on that *thing* is very uncomfortable and makes him angry. Somehow I feel that if I can understand what's going on that I won't be so angry, hurt or feel guilty when I leave.

I think I'm also lucky because I feel like I can tell him about my plans to leave, not lie about it or hide what I'm doing. It's a huge relief. He'll probably be on his best behavior while I'm making plans so it's going to be difficult to not stay. But I will feel this out before I actually blurt it all out.

He's changed before... the max. was 6 weeks, but it usually lasts 2. He'll bathe every night and pick up after himself etc... but then it's back to hyper focusing on whatever it is he's doing in his office.

I'm feeling really defeated and just... tired and frustrated from making excuses in my head for him. Every time I told myself that he was off doing brilliant things or... he's just a scatterbrain so I'll have to take care of that for him or... I'll just take care of that so we don't get in a fight... I was hurting myself. I lost a bit of myself in every single chore I did for him that he really should have done for himself.

It's really sad... I'm really sad about it. I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to start making plans to go... but it's going to be soon. I just need to figure some things out.

Thanks for listening


----------



## grayhound (Jan 18, 2011)

Just in case someone else happens to be in a similar boat...

I had a very calm conversation with my husband last night...

We talked about things changing and how we both aren't happy, and haven't been in a while.

I honestly didn't think he had anything to complain about me other than the fact that we haven't been intimate in a very long time. 

He finally opened up to me for the first time in a long time.

He told me that he's scared of making me mad and feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time. The examples that backed this up were very very few.
This is how he came to the conclusion that I'm an evil wife that is trying to control him:

1. One time, 5 years ago, he was on a job and said he would be home "really late". Well, come 3am I hadn't heard from him and when I called, his cell phone was dead. Come 7am, I was in a panic and hadn't slept all night. When he finally got home at 9am, I was livid. He thought I overreacted. 

2. He works from home. I've been begging him to plan a vacation where he could work remotely from a vacation destination, and that way we could be there a few more days. He argued that this could never ever work, end of story, never ask again. Well, his friend invited him to Italy to take pictures of his wedding and would pay his trip, but my husband would have to work from there for a few days. He emphatically said "YES!". So, I got angry and was pissed that he'd drop everything for his dude friend, but not me. My husband ended up not going and blamed it all on me, even after I begged him to go later on because I knew this would come up again. And told his friend what a ***** I was and lied about it to me.

3. I got mad about him going out to a nightclub he used to work at. Frankly, I don't remember this at all and I do not remember being mad (besides him coming home with a phone number of a girl... it was just a friend, but he hid it from me... which was strange. I found the little slip of paper when I was cleaning.)

4. He likes to sleep in on the weekends. Until like... 6pm. If I want to have a dinner party on a Saturday night, that cuts into his sleeping time AND the fact that I ask him to pick up is just plain rude. "Our friends' houses are a pigsty, why should it matter if you impress them or not?" So, me waking him up at 2, asking him to get out of bed and get ready and maybe help do 1 or 2 things (I do all the rest), is too much to ask and too stressful of him, especially because I'm rushing him. He has enjoyed 90% of the parties we've had... and this is just now coming out. I had no idea.

So now he claims that he doesn't go anywhere or go out with friends because of these 4 things. That I am controlling, angry and never want him to have fun.

He also revealed to me that he doesn't help around the house or do anything like paperwork (just got another letter saying that his 401K set up at his old job is in jeopardy because he hasn't contacted anyone about moving it in 5 years and they don't know where to find him... I'll just let that one go, too), buying dog food or buying his own underwear because he knows that I'll pick up the slack. He said "I just don't have to think about those things, because you'll take care of it!"

I have no idea how to process that. And I had no idea this is what he thought. I honestly think I wasn't being that mean or demanding... it's devastating to hear this, frankly.

So, we went on a walk to talk more, and his boxer shorts were riding up... so in broad daylight he had his hands down his pants to pull them down... in our neighborhood, in front of other walkers. He refuses to get larger boxers and won't allow me to buy larger ones and is always futzing with his "junk". I told him I don't want to be seen in public with someone who is doing that and he just doesn't understand why. Why would it bother me? Why would something *he* is doing affect me at all?

Ladies... really... wouldn't you stop your mate from doing something disgusting like this? I can't be the only one.

I have NO idea how to convey to him that perhaps that is a turn-off... that any woman wouldn't want to have sex with someone who has his hands down his pants and refuses to buy larger clothes (among dozens of other disgusting things).

So, he sees me as a nagging, buzz-killing shrew... and I see him as a disgusting little child who has no respect for me.

This sounds perfect!

Lastly... when confronted about his bathing he says "I've showered three days in a row! This is NOT up for conversation right now!"

Our temporary solution:

1. I am not going to do anything for him that isn't household related. He can file his own business paperwork and let his car engine cease from not changing the oil for all I care. I can't deal with it anymore. Yes, he'll waste money and do stupid things (aka... purchasing a $300 lifetime oil change deal from a place that went out of business and we no longer live near) but I'm no longer allowed to intervene.
2. He's no longer going to filter what he says to me or what he does to keep me happy. (this was mentioned on another thread I commented on, ironically). So, he's going to say what's on his mind and do what he wants from now on.

In the meantime, I'm going to start selling small things in the house and get ready to move on. I can tolerate living here for a while, but not forever. Knowing how unhappy he was, too... sort of seals the deal (for some reason).


----------



## Menlow1234 (Apr 22, 2011)

OMG, your husband is very dysfunctional. He sounds very immature, selfish and has double standards. 

His actions shows clearly, he doesn't care about you or your happiness. My advice? RUN ...far away from him! Move on with your life and find happiness that you so deserve!

Good luck to you!


----------

