# Questions for those who had an affair



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Were you different towards your wife/husband while you were having an affair? If yes, how were you different towards him/her?

How did your husband/wife find out? Did you tell him/her or did he/she find out.

I am trying to get a base line. Not everyone does the exact same things, that are listed in the warning signs. I am really trying to figure out if this is what is really going on, or if i am loosing my mind. Thanks in advance.:smthumbup:


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

My husband was losing his temper to the point that I was asking his doctors if it was his medications-a very decided difference form his usual self.

I found out after he left for work one morning, sent me a text that he was going to a motel to "pray" for the weekend instead. Found his car tightly locked in a Walmart parking lot later that day, with a receipt for a newly purchased bottle of Viagra. He came back the next evening with them tucked into a shoe and 2 1/2 missing.

Sorry to answer for him, but that's the facts.


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## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

I didn't cheat, but I can tell you how my husband changed. He would withdraw from our children 100%. He didn't enjoy spending time with our family, he stopped sleeping in our bedroom, he would stay out all night and not answer his phone. He would work late all the time, and he started drinking a lot. What really tipped me off, was one fathers day we all went bowling, and he could not wait to get the hell out of there. As soon as we got home, he took my youngest on a bike ride. I looked out the window and saw that he was texting on his phone instead of really watching our daughter. I officially found out about the affair when he moved back home after a separation, and his ow emailed me. The whole time my entire family and most of my friends (even some neighbors) told me they thought he was cheating, but he would always deny it. I did email some of his friends and most of the time they told me "if you think he's cheating on you, he probably is"


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I didn't really care about her at that point, she could have dropped off the face of the earth and it probably wouldn't have bothered me at all. I wasn't ever mad at my wife, just cold with her, no emotions at all towards her. The only time I was really mad was towards the end of the affair when my wife was screwing up a good thing for me (that was my thinking at the time).

How she found out, I was very, very, very careful to hide the affair in the 1st month and a half. After that, I really didn't care if she knew or not. I never told her but the underwear, pantyhose and lipstick in the car gave it away. I'm pretty sure she saw the lipstick all over my face when I came home dead drunk once also but she never mentioned it to me ever.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

valeriedp said:


> I didn't cheat, but I can tell you how my husband changed. He would withdraw from our children 100%. He didn't enjoy spending time with our family, he stopped sleeping in our bedroom, he would stay out all night and not answer his phone. He would work late all the time, and he started drinking a lot. What really tipped me off, was one fathers day we all went bowling, and he could not wait to get the hell out of there. As soon as we got home, he took my youngest on a bike ride. I looked out the window and saw that he was texting on his phone instead of really watching our daughter. I officially found out about the affair when he moved back home after a separation, and his ow emailed me. The whole time my entire family and most of my friends (even some neighbors) told me they thought he was cheating, but he would always deny it. I did email some of his friends and most of the time they told me "if you think he's cheating on you, he probably is"


Not all - but a lot of this sounds very familiar while wife was having EAs.


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## Invictus-Soul (Feb 12, 2011)

I had an emotional affair over my ex gf while I was married. We lived in different countries so I wasn't emailing or texting or sneaking out having a physical affair or anything. Maybe one email every six months. It was just on my mind ALL the time. I couldn't help it. All the time I felt like I was sobbing inside but i never cried. Sometimes my wife would catch me crying in my sleep. It was very difficult for me to be emotionally available to her and I was unable to move forward in the marriage, i.e. have children, buy a house etc. My wife became very angry and hostile. Eventually I told her the truth about everything. I just couldn't live with this conflict in my mind and her hostility anymore. Now we're separated and moving towards divorce.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

My situation is a lot like the one that Valeried described. My H was always engaged with us (me and our two small kids), he was funny and always interested in talking about the happenings of the day. Then he changed. He withdrew from me and the kids to the point where his eyes even looked differennt, dead. He looked through me rather than at me. He could sit next to me for hours and never say a word. He started working nights much more than usual, would take his phone everywhere (including the bathroom), started drinking A LOT, to the point where he drank almost an entire case of beer himself at our 3 year old's birthday party. He was not himself. I asked and asked and asked if there was someone else and he always denied it. We are now separated. He has still never admitted that she was in the picture before he moved out, which is complete b.s. I found out because a friend of mine saw him out with her only a few weeks after he left. Again, he's NEVER admitted to anything. He's a coward and essentially ran away from his family.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Before my fiance confessed everything it's like he was the walking dead. We lived together but emotionally he was somewhere else. Whenever I wanted to spend time together the only way he could do it was to sit on the couch and watch TV together. He also would get drunk a lot and go on the internet but that's another story. He was also very impatient and angry...probably all the guilt seething away inside. Now he's totally different, he's present and so remorseful. I'm so glad to have him back!


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

RWB said:


> She admitted that withholding sex was on purpose to give her an excuse for me getting mad at her. She used it to punish me for driving her into an affair.
> 
> This is weird thinking that is developed from the high and excitement coupled with the shame and guilt of an emotional/physical affair.


If my wife tried that with me all of the sudden....well to put it bluntly I would not be staying at home often. Only reason I say this, is because she wanted sex a lot after D-day, I wasn't totally comfortable with for a week or two, then I realized that it is the one thing I can do that I love, I know I am great at, one thing (at least according to her) I always knew how to "work" her, we both enjoy, and is helping move along. Though I was angry at her for still having sex with me the whole time as well, I guess that was one of the reasons. Thankfully I have more proof then my wife the OP was horrible in the sac (Not that they did it much anyway. Or finish, I have proof of that), I talked (and am friends with) most of ex's and they all said the same thing, so I have that to help me hold my head up high.


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## Just a guy (Feb 17, 2011)

RWB said:


> LadyByrd,
> 
> As noted before here at TAM, you will get only a few response from the cheating side of the affair. It's a shame because their perspective is something that betrayed here really do want to understand, me included. They just get "beat up" with the hurt from some, shame.
> 
> ...


Commenting from the cheating aspect, and because of your comment regarding why few cheaters post. 

I don't think at the time I felt I was really acting any different. However, my mind was a mess. Looking back I was strained at work, finding reasons to avoid intimacy with my wife, drinking more, snapping over stupid things, dressing a bit different......I was pretty careful about cell phone use but didn't properly log off my computer one day and she found emails with enough evidence. 

RWB, People can beat away, yes some words might occasionally sting but at the end of the day for me it's just someone that doesn't know me, my marriage, and is dealing with the pain of what has happened to them. Now if I as a "cheater" asks for valid help on a subject and only get ridiculed from those that have been cheated on then yeah.....I'm gonna have a problem with that. BTW, many of your posts have been helpful as I have lurked prior to posting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone else who has cheated on their spouse, the things described so far are pretty accurate... I'd say a further withdrawal from my wife and family, less tolerance of things that bugged me. Work issues (it's hard to fit another relationship in a full time life/job, along with mental distractions). Never took up drinking or anything, though... Spent more time on my cell phone, put a passcode on it... Sex with my spouse dried up before the cheating occured, and we didn't have sex after it happened either. Not just sex, either... Intimacy, public displays of affection, etc. So those weren't necessarily signs of cheating, but danger/warning signs, I guess.

I haven't gotten caught (yet), and we've separated now. In my mind, the marriage was over long before the cheating occured. That's not an excuse, just a statement. What I did was wrong, and I should have waited at least until the separation happened. I don't plan on telling my spouse either... If we were going to work through things, I think I'd feel obligated to do that. But since I think the separation and subsequent divorce were the only solutions anyway, it just seems like it wouldn't help to throw that onto already hurt feelings.

C


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