# Need Help with Wife's new Friendship



## RyanNC (Aug 30, 2011)

Hello eveyone,

I am in my early thirties and my wife and I have been married for seven years and together for close to 11. Our marriage has had its ups and downs like every other relationship but I have always thought that we would be together forever. I love her with all of me and I would do anything for her.

My wife and I moved a year ago so she could take a better job. I happily moved to be with her once I found a local job and our relationship was going great. However she ended up hating her job and was miserable. She did not have any friends here and between that and the job she started to change.

A couple of months ago she and I met someone who was going to help us with my car. I was hoping that this person could be a trusted mechanic and introduce us into the local group of people who like the same cars we do. Things started off great but over the past two months she has grown very close to him.

It started off with wanting to go out with her friends and wanting me to stay at home. She said that she needed some time alone and I tried to accept that and give her some space. However I quickly found out that she was not going out with friends, she was spending all of her time with the new guy. 

She and this new guy are texting non-stop, calling each other every day and worse she is making plans to see him on days that have traditionally been days for us to spend together as well as date nights. 

We have discussed what is going on at length and she has been very honest with me. She has mentioned that they are just friends and I believe that there has been no sexual relationship. However, she has also told me that they are very similar and they have fun together. She said that she does not have fun with me and that when she is with me she is thinking about being with him.

I have been very close to leaving due to the hurt I am feeling inside (have had my bags packed several times). I cannot bring myself to do it because she and I have been together for so long and she is my everything. 

After she left me on Sunday to go see him (she lied about it and said she was going to see another friend but later admitted that she was with him and lied about it), I sat down with her and told her that I cannot live with someone who is having the kind of relationship and is lying to me. I gave her the choice of staying with me and distancing herself from this new guy. I made it clear that I was not requiring a complete break, just a distancing and a reduction in phone calls/texting. Most importantly, she was not to go out with this guy anymore without me (we now share common friends). She told me that she could not live without me and that she would agree to this.

Fast forward one day from this talk and I can see she is still miserable. She wants to be with me but she also wants to be with him. It breaks my heart to force this kind of restriction on her but I really cannot stay in a relationship where I am being lied to and dumped on a moment's notice so she can be with another man. This other man is married but his marriage has been over for years, why they live together is a mystery to me.

I do not know what to do. I don't want to place restrictions on her and I want her to be happy. More importantly I want us to be happy. I have considered leaving her to see if she would come after me. She realizes that this new guy is not mate potential like I am, however he is fun and outgoing, he is the life of the party type. I cannot compete with that.

Any advice would be welcomed. I am on the fence here and I give her credit for trying to work this out with me. It says a lot about our marriage that we are together and talking about this. I just feel that there is no way out. She will not see a marriage counselor with me even though she admits that it would be a good idea.

Please help!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

You did not act on this soon enough. Introducing another man into your relationship is a bad idea. You did not mean to do this but you did. 

Allowing your wife to daye this guy was a very bad idea. yes, her going anywhere with anothe rman is dating. It is highy likely this has gone to a PA. 

Unless you are ok with an open marriage, because this is what you have right now you need to tell her this is unacceptable and stick with it. She must go completely NC. You need to cut ties with that whole group of "friends".

A man allowing another man to dominate him in this way is very unattractive to his wife. Sharing ones wife is creepy in my view. But that is just me. It is very possible that if you allow her to cake eat in this way she will eventually see you as unwilling to fight for her and she will go with the more dominant Alpha male.

Have you told the OM to go away? 

I know this is not very helpful but you let this go on way too long.

She is lying to you and has been. She is being disrespectful and is right now being unfaithful to you. I am not sure why you are giving her any credit whatsoever. She has been meeting secretly with another man. They have not been working on cars.

In fact where have they been going?


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## RyanNC (Aug 30, 2011)

I agree that I did not act on this quick enough, I was naive and did not want to give me wife grief when she is going through so much in her life. I have told the other man that he needs to back off only to have him tell me that he is just friends with my wife and that I need to stop being jealous. 

They have been doing everything together, bowling, bars, hanging out at his house and swimming. If things have progressed to a physical affair I would be surprised as my wife is not really his type in terms of body and appearance. I hope I am not wrong there and things have not progressed to that level. 

I talked to my wife today and told her that I was taking her back and that the other man needed to go NOW. I left her with the choice between our marriage or him. The only response from her so far is that she is not going to talk to me about this. 

Any advice for the next step? Should I give her some time and see what happens, should I move out, other alternatives?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RyanNC said:


> However, she has also told me that they are very similar and they have fun together. She said that she does not have fun with me and that *when she is with me she is thinking about being with him.*
> 
> I have been very close to leaving due to the hurt I am feeling inside (have had my bags packed several times). I cannot bring myself to do it because she and I have been together for so long and *she is my everything*.


I suggest you read what you posted. She may be your "everything," but you are certainly not her's. It sounds as if you actually feel guilty for demanding that she curtail her text messaging and hanging out with this guy.

Sorry. But, nope. She has lied to you so she can sneak off to be with this guy, and she has the OM on her mind when she is with you. Sounds like she is emotionally absent from the marriage.

What you choose to do is your business, but this woman is stringing you along, and possibly have a PA with the other guy. She can't have it both ways. I think you telling her she has to cut down on her contact with him isn't the route to go. Give her an ultimatum: you or him. If you decide to go to do that, be prepared to follow through on it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RyanNC said:


> I talked to my wife today and told her that I was taking her back and that the other man needed to go NOW. I left her with the choice between our marriage or him. The only response from her so far is that she is not going to talk to me about this.
> 
> Any advice for the next step? Should I give her some time and see what happens, should I move out, other alternatives?


Of course she's not going to discuss it; she doesn't want to stop seeing the other guy. I would suggest you track her for awhile. If she says she's going out with the girls, find out if she is with them or with him. She's already lied to you, which doesn't make for a good marriage.

Next step? See an attorney for an initial consultation. Review your choices. Moving out may be just what she needs to shake her up and see that what she is doing is wrong. The reason I often suggest seeing an attorney is so people can get an idea of where they stand legally and financially. Divorce is expensive, and it isn't always the answer to marital problems. But with knowledge comes power.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Next step. Honestly you see the attorney and tell her she is leaving as she is choosing to be with the OM and not her husband. 

Even if she claims to agree you will have to demand transparency and check on her because she has lied before to be with her boyfriend. 

That's what he is. All the things they are doing together is what a bf gf do when dating. She even told you to stay home so she could be alone with him. 

And yes it very likely has gone physical. So be prepared for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RyanNC said:


> I agree that I did not act on this quick enough, I was naive and did not want to give me wife grief when she is going through so much in her life. I have told the other man that he needs to back off only to have him tell me that he is just friends with my wife and that I need to stop being jealous.
> 
> *They have been doing everything together, bowling, bars, hanging out at his house and swimmin*g. If things have progressed to a physical affair I would be surprised as my wife is not really his type in terms of body and appearance. I hope I am not wrong there and things have not progressed to that level.
> 
> ...


The jealous response is a wired in response that is alerting you that annothe male is poaching your wife. 

You let another man dominate you again and tell you to stop being jealous about his relationship with your wife!? Surely you followed up and told him that he must stop his relationship with your wife immediately. You backed down? Without being cruel this is why your wife is being unfaithful. She is looking for a man who can be assertive and not submissive. This other man told you her husband to back off. This is not about me so I will not even say what my actions would be but suffice it to say there would have been a confrontation.

*They have been doing everything together, bowling, bars, hanging out at his house and swimming*.

So you feel that another man doing these things with your wife is her not being unfaithful to you? She is more than dating this guy.

They have been drinking together and hanging out at his house. UFB. So I would think it would be a wild miracle if they are not fully into a PA. But this is for sure a full blown EA.
What do you think they are doing at his house? 

Getting you out of the picture is called isolation. That is what the OM is doing to you. Your wife cooperated with this.

I used to believe I could have a close female friend. I learnd the hard way I could not. Your wife has proved this as well.

Opposite sex friends can be casual. Hanging out together. NFW. You get what you have.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RyanNC said:


> I agree that I did not act on this quick enough, I was naive and did not want to give me wife grief when she is going through so much in her life. I have told the other man that he needs to back off only to have him tell me that he is just friends with my wife and that I need to stop being jealous.
> 
> They have been doing everything together, bowling, bars, hanging out at his house and swimming. If things have progressed to a physical affair I would be surprised as my wife is not really his type in terms of body and appearance. I hope I am not wrong there and things have not progressed to that level.
> 
> ...


Alpha males will have sex with women several levels below their sex rank. A woman can up her sex rank simply by what she wears and her willingness to provide sex. So his type of woman is a woman who will spread her legs or provide other sexual favors. Garanteed. It does not mean he wants a long term relationship with her. Just some sex.

So lets say he is an 8. We can assume you are less than this simply because of passivity. If she is a 5. An average woman ( not that there is anything wrong with that ), he will be more than glad to bang her. No guy puts that much time into being with another mans wife who is not banging her or planning to real soon. 

Things have progressed to that level. Bank on it.

My language is more blunt here so that you can see the reality.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your wife is dating another man.

Holy crap. Man up.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well, she's dating another guy. That's never a good thing for a marriage. 

The only chance she'll grow up and get over herself is if you are willing to move on without her.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

*Don't trust in what you think you know!!!!*

I am sorry you are going through this.

First, don't trust in what you think you know about your wife's "TYPE," - it is my experience, people often affair down - there is a thread in the infadelity forum title "Why go for hamburger when you have steak at home." I whould take a couple of minutes or two reviewing what the posters in that thread have to say. 

Second, you need to take strong action, when you remind the OM to back off, YOU DON'T ACCEPT ANY ADVICE FROM THE BASTARD, he has no right. You need to go on the legal attack mode, contract his family, his employer, make his life uncomfortable. 

Third, if or I should say when you give your wife an ultimatium you better follow through with it....no back off. See an attorney to astertain your rights, let her know you did. Start seperating you finances, credit cards, etc., if she is not working you shouldn't pay for one ounce of gas for her to see him.

You need to become an Alpha Action Man and follow through, the 180 should help, other can advise you better on that action plan better than I can.

They only way your marriage will survive, is complete NC with the other man, true remorse on her part, transparentcy (she lied - she loses her right to privacy re: passwords etc), IC and MC.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

RyanNC,

I had a similar situation with the so called " friend " situation.....
How we got to that point maybe different but I can tell you it is not good at all...

You have mentioned a few things that hit close to home for me...
What other folks have said here are very true...she is involved with another male.... the texting ...the hanging out...etc.. its all way to much...

One thing be careful what you do....Try to think things through before you do them or say them...its harder to say than do but keep your emotions in check. I said things that I didn't entirely think through and it actually made me look worse in my stbxw's eyes...
If you are ready to leave and tell her so..than do it...don't just say it and not go....have a plan !! 

Nobody deserves to be second best.... don't let your self be played..She needs to not talk to the other dude period....Its gonna be a tough road ahead..stay strong and stay true to yourself....

I hope the best for you...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Protect your own financial position. You'll need the money.

Dont go joint with her on anything. Get out of any joint bank accounts or credit cards.

Start stashing money away.

Start preparing to be on your own. Dont worry about your wife. She'll be fine. She has her own boyfriend to care for her.


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