# Financial Distrust and Emotional Abandonment and



## jwelsh (Sep 7, 2011)

Hello,
I am new to this discussion board and I am so glad it exits.
I need help. I actually feel sick to my stomach and in the first time in 23 yrs of marriage feel numb and well I don't know what I feel. 
I lost my Dad 1 yr ago and while i am doing ok - it still hurts. I miss him terribly.He dies of congestive heart failure and had a sudden cardiac arrest at the age of 66 last Aug. While my father was in ICU and on life support my husband did not comfort me - he was present but was like "just a part of the group". In the hospital I would sometimes leave the room and cry uncontrollably - and he would not follow me to offer me any comforting.
During the funeral - he was the same. He took over (being the only man left in my family - and took care of things "in a pure business like manner. While I do appreciate that - he was not there for me emotionally. He did not sit or stand any where near me at the visitation of funeral - I felt so alone.
I have 3 children - two boys 19 and 21 and a daughter who is 16. My children have all expressed to "me" how they feel about their father and it breaks my heart. They see him as cold and business like. He does not spend time with his kids. He only talks to them really when its about finances. His reasoning - he doesn't believe in small talk What!
He has always controlled the finances and we always seem to be in a financial bind but shouldn't be. He gets angry when I ask how come we haven't any money - and says that I should do the finances. ( I have just recently taken over this task) I was always somewhat unwilling because I always had enough on my plate.
This summer he has been so emotionally distant. He has begun walking which is good - but he goes for 2 hours every evening after work. Then comes home and plants himself in front of the tv - not speaking - unless you count yes, no and I don't know as responses when I try to engage him?
Just recently I spent a couple of hundred on back to work clothes and my hair. I rarely spend money - especially on myself. Our account showed that we could afford this. He told me that no bills were expected at that time - and then when I came home - he freaked at me. I felt like a 5 yr old. 
I work full time BTW - when I say I was going back to work I mean after the summer holidays ( I teach 
)
My daughter just wrote the following in her journal. She is 16.These are her feelings about her father, it breaks my heart 

o	_I hear your car door close and I wish you'd not come home today.. Tension is building inside .. It's like walking on egg shell , trying to figure out what mood your in today.. Will you say hi , do I exists in your eyes ??... I barely no my own father.! Your never home anymore always at work and when you are home your talking about work or out wasting all your time..did you know you have a family? Sons that one can care less cause all you do to him try to fight him and scream at him when u lose your temper .. He dosent want anything to do with you . Now seeing you not try to save your chance with your family I don't even think you care. Work is more important to you. You could care less. I don't even want to talk to you , your breaking my moms heart , I can't even look at you without getting mad! I want mom to leave you so I can not be so frustrated a stressed in my life . I don't want to end up anything like you........ You treat mom like ****. Why didn't you just walk out when you had a chance . Your 2 boys are in collage and university , now it's just me and I don't feel protected by anyone now. My brothers would do anything for me . Would you? I couldn't rely on you. Your not a father to me , your just some guy living at our house .. I gave up on you a long time ago._

I am worried about that. How do I deal with this? My daughter is so sensitive and caring. We are very close - as I am to all of my children.

I wonder what is going on with him. He says nothing. The "business like persona" is typical but the distant behaviour is new.

Recently we had an emergency with our son who ended up in teh ER at the hospital - hubby did not even come to the hospital - it was late "he had to work the next day" I was worried sick about my son and no one was with me for support at the hospital. Not to mention how my son felt when his father wasn;t there. Am I wrong to expect support?

Everyone needs a soft place to fall at times - and i don't have one. I take care of everyone else and no one is there for me. Except my kids. BUt they shouldn't have to be there in place of their father.

What to do? What are your thoughts? Suggestions?
Help! I am so tired.


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## Madbunny (Aug 9, 2011)

Hello and welcome,I am somewhat of a newbie here as well,I am posting because I know exactly how this feels,went through similar issues with my mothers long term illness and her passing,

as well as Me having a molar pregnancy/ missed miscarriage at 3 mo ending in surgery.You are not being unreasonable to want the emotional support of your husband.
Has he always been emotionally tepid?

My husband is the stoic very manly man,and therefore hides his emotions and walls off.Does this seem to happen during major things,such as death and hospital events or most of the time?

What your daughter wrote is very full of hurt and resentment
I don't blame you for being torn up at that.Would your husband be up for family counseling? It's very hard when it is affecting the whole family.
He sounds like he has some issues with showing emotion and it is too hard to shoulder those burdens alone.

The veterans on here are awesome and have lots of great advice and tools that could point you in the right direction.My
best suggestion is to seek professional help,before things become unrepairable. I am not much help  Hugs to you


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I think you should also post this in the Ladies forum. There are some owesome women there who give great advice.

Something struck me as maybe ominous about your thread, but maybe I misunderstood. You mention that this was a new feeling to you, something that has left you feeling numb after 23 years. If so, there are similarities to the walk away wife feelings, while it may just be more of feeling that you've just finally reached the boiling point. Was this a situation where you coped, or downplayed the issues iuntil recently? Or, was it a situation where your husband just got drastically worse?

If he has not changed greatly, I'm only suggesting that this might become a more serious issue to you, one that you will not be able to let go without resolution. Sort of like a midlife crisis.

With most men like him, their biggest fear is the loss of their wife and family. Seems ironic, considering how he avoids you and the kids. But this avoidance is often rooted in security. It has never occured to him that you might leave him. If so, a honest, heartfelt discussion, with consequences if he does not change, could shake him to the core. He will ook at his ranting about your purchases in a new light, and feel ashamed. 

If, on the other hand, he just rebuffs or acts like he doesn't care, doesn't that tell you what you need to know about him anyway?


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