# socially lonesome



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

So, my husband is in the military and I have two jobs. He makes plans with his "buddies" and their families and forgets to tell me about them until it is too late to get the time off to join. I feel left out and horrible because even when I do get off of work in time to be with other people outside of work and him, he always has to ask if I can come over or join in the events. His friends or their wives/girlfriends/etc. do not talk to me unless we are there and they ask him for "us" to come over. They have my number and I am always polite. When I talk to him about it all he can say is he is sorry and that he don't know why it is like that because from his view I'm not rude or a "*****" and just not realizing it. 

He suggested finding other couples to become friends with but I don't even know how to go about doing that. 

I just feel like I'm not liked by these people who he works with and their families and I am not understanding why it seems like I am purposely being left out of plans and activities. 

Am I being over emotional about this? It has been going on for like three months now and I often take the first step in texting or calling to see how they are doing and if I can come over for a little bit before work and I either get no answer or I get "I'm going to take a nap" or "I'm going to do housework". It's almost as like they are only willing to put up with me if they want my husband around. (It's both his friends (Male) and their families)

Any advise will be appreciated.


----------



## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

How long have you two been married? Could it be that they were friends with his previous gf and aren't sure how to act around you.

In any case your husband needs to stop acting like he is single and start making plans with his wife. You are a packaged deal, he should include you in all his plans.


----------



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

We will be married for a year on the 23th. These are his military friends and none of them have even met his ex. He's been stationed state side since April 2011 and we have been together since may 2010 and we've known each other and have been friends for 20 years. 

I tell him all the time that I feel left out and all he does is "caress" my shoulder or ARM and say I'm sorry and then true to make me laugh and change the subject like he doesn't understand why I'm bothered by it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

Do you go to any of the FRG meetings or activities? That is a good place to meet other wives. My husband was in the Army for 6 years and it was tough to make friends. How do you get along with people that you work with? Any couples there around your age or that like the same things as you?


----------



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

I have only met the FRG leader once. She took my number down and said she would get a hold of me when something comes up and well that was almost 3 months ago and I have not heard from her since. I think I get along great with people at work but getting anyone to talk to me outside of work unless it is them asking if I can cover their shift is a different story. I get along with his friends but they are all single but one and well his wife only talks to me if my husbands their. Hell she dont ask me if I can watch her kids when she knows I am off work she asks my husband. So I feel like I am this horrible person because I have only made 1 friend who just moved 45 mins away, has two kids, and her husband is military as well so I only see her once for lunch every couple of weeks. I am loved by 99% of the people I know from my home town and I am only ever alone when I chose to be there and here its like I am this god awful person that repels anyone that comes around.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I wouldn't take it too personally. It sounds to me like they just haven't had enough time to get to know you. They know him but they only know you through him. Don't push it so hard. Just show up whenever you are invited and enjoy yourself. The more you relax and just start getting to know them when you are around the more open they will be to seeing you without him. Right now they don't know you so why would they want to meet you one on one. They are using your H as a buffer and you should do the same until you meet someone you want to be friends with. Don't try to be friends with people just to be friends. Find someone in the group you connect with and have similar interests and go from there.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Do you consider yourself reserved or more outgoing? Do you feel at ease, comfortable in social situations, meeting new people, or does that sort of situation make you uncomfortable?


----------



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

She doesnt know my husband either. She met us at the same time. Like I said I get along great with his single friends, and I got a long great with these other people before their SOs came to live with them. Once their wives or girlfriends came to live with them I am this person no one wants to talk to and my husband has to ask permission for me to join them after I get out of work. I would never make anyone feel they need to ask permission for their SOs to join. Its a packaged deal. If I want you there I assume your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend will be joining and the fact that he has to ask the SAME people EVERY time is kind of hurtful. They cant get to know me if they only keep things going for 20 mins after I show up, and refuse to talk to me outside of things. I am always polite and they ask me how my day was and thats it. It really is like they have no interest in getting to know me just my husband. Then his friends who would talk to me all the time before their SOs come now is just as bad. I want female friends and couple friends to where me and my husband can do things with other couples. He can talk and do guy things with the guy and I should be able to talk to and connect with the girl. I have been trying with these couples who shut me out after the wife or girlfriend come for 4 months and I get maybe 40 mins a month and the same question and that is it. I offer to help out with stuff to relieve "stress" the complain about out FaceBook and offer to meet up when they complain about not having any friends and are so lonely here on FaceBook and When I respond on Facebook my offers I get "oh I have it under control" or "I just want to be alone". I think to myself really then why say your so stressed and so lonely and you have no friends if you refuse to have a convo with me out side of "how was your day?" because if I couldnt come my husband would leave to be with me. I just reply ok well let me know if there is something I can do or if you wanna do lunch or something, and then a week later the same thing. How can you not take that personally after 4 months?


----------



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

ankh said:


> Do you consider yourself reserved or more outgoing? Do you feel at ease, comfortable in social situations, meeting new people, or does that sort of situation make you uncomfortable?


I am outgoing. I can talk to anyone just fine, as I do everyday at work with customers. There are a few that hang around after their business is done just to finish the conversation we were having. I am not shy at all, hell my doctors call me the office social butterfly because I can talk to anyone about anything.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

kea2011 said:


> I am outgoing. I can talk to anyone just fine, as I do everyday at work with customers. There are a few that hang around after their business is done just to finish the conversation we were having. I am not shy at all, hell my doctors call me the office social butterfly because I can talk to anyone about anything.


If that is the case and these other people are really that unreceptive to you then don't pay them any attention anymore. And if your H is always asking if you can come that is a problem in _his_ line of thinking. I'm sure they don't tell him that you aren't invited and he has to ask. He is assuming he has to ask. He needs to start acting as though an invite to him automatically means both of you and if anyone says otherwise to him when you show up they need to be knocked off his list of friends.

Take these people as friends of your husband and you will spend time with him when he wants but that doesn't mean you have to be friends with them to. It sounds like other people like you, especially at work so try that avenue to make friends and leave these people to wallow in their self pity. Don't let them bring you down.


----------



## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

What if you put together a get together of some sort? Maybe a bbq or something, maybe they are the ones that are reserved and need the push?


----------



## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

CO_MOM said:


> What if you put together a get together of some sort? Maybe a bbq or something, maybe they are the ones that are reserved and need the push?


I have done it in the past but I not so much recently. This is because my husband has been getting sent to other states for missions and I dont feel right having his single male friends in the house when he is gone. I am hosting a Premier Design Jewelry Party and I still offered an invite to them to come. 

I can plan a dinner party when I have a better idea on when he will be coming home.


----------

