# Does it matter who files for divorce first?



## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

So, I haven't got around to filing yet and heard that my STBXW is going to be filing next Thursday. Is there any advantage to filing first?

Thanks in advance for your replies. s


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The original filer, known as the "complainant," usually has the perceived upper hand against the "respondent" in most divorce filings, at least from a procedural and logistical standpoint!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *The original filer, known as the "complainant," usually has the perceived upper hand against the "respondent" in most divorce filings, at least from a procedural and logistical standpoint!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So there's no real advantage? It's only perceived?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> So there's no real advantage? It's only perceived?


*Only from a procedural standpoint! If it comes to a court trial, their side presents their evidence and testimony first with you cross-examining; then your side gets its turn, with them offering up cross-examination!

It works the very same way if you elect to cross file!

Prior to any impending trial, in matters of the legal discovery process, the complaintant controls the agenda! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

If you know she's going to file, it is best to beat her to the punch for home field advantage. If you are able to work things out, then you can always withdraw the petition. I was originally unsure, but I filed anyway just to be sure. As of right now, it was a good decision. If you KNOW she's going to file in a week, then file on Monday! Stop being passive. Why are you allowing her carte blanche to control everything?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My ex-husband would have never filed so I had to. But even if he had been willing to file I would have done that because I wanted to control the process. The person who files is the one in charge of moving the divorce forward. And the person who files can also slow it down if they choose to -- for as long as they want until it's dismissed for lack of action. So it's generally up to the plaintiff what happens in an uncontested divorce. That's the downside of being the defendant instead of the plaintiff.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Only from a procedural standpoint! If it comes to a court trial, their side presents their evidence and testimony first with you cross-examining; then your side gets its turn, with them offering up cross-examination!
> 
> It works the very same way if you elect to cross file!
> 
> ...


Thanks, I'll look into cross-filing in case it comes to that. 



Almost-Done said:


> If you know she's going to file, it is best to beat her to the punch for home field advantage. If you are able to work things out, then you can always withdraw the petition. I was originally unsure, but I filed anyway just to be sure. As of right now, it was a good decision. If you KNOW she's going to file in a week, then file on Monday! Stop being passive. Why are you allowing her carte blanche to control everything?


I just found out yesterday that she was planning on talking to a lawyer, this coming Thursday.

I've been a doormat for many, many years, I'm trying to change and it hasn't been easy. I'll talk to my lawyer on Monday. 

I've given her several opportunities to file a joint divorce in the last few months. Each time she agreed but when I gave her the paperwork, I found out she ripped it up each time. She has to be in control, of that I am certain, I don't intentionally give her control. This is the first time in my life that I've been cheated on, I dealt with it in my own way, and in hindsight, I wish I had found TAM since day 1.  



Openminded said:


> My ex-husband would have never filed so I had to. But even if he had been willing to file I would have done that because I wanted to control the process. The person who files is the one in charge of moving the divorce forward. And the person who files can also slow it down if they choose to -- for as long as they want until it's dismissed for lack of action. So it's generally up to the plaintiff what happens in an uncontested divorce. That's the downside of being the defendant instead of the plaintiff.


Thank you, I will be speeding up the process, now that I'm in the know.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> Thanks, I'll look into cross-filing in case it comes to that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*At this juncture, I would heartily recommend that you take the day off tomorrow, and get a recommended family attorney to file the action for you! 

By doing so, it allows you to have far better control of the agenda! And have her served personally so that you will have the personal satisfaction of knowing that your original petition for divorce is firmly in her hands!

Best of luck to you, my friend!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was the one who left and didn't want to work on the marriage. I was over at the marital home doing our taxes with her and she had me served while there. Ha. It didn't matter to me or hurt me. I guess she got the satisfaction.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Not sure if it matters, however, I too tried to work on our marriage for well over a year. I then tried to do a joint filing. She threw the papers back at me. My response, fine, we'll do it the hard way. I filed for divorce a week later. You do it on YOUR time table, not your spouse's. You really want home field advantage as well as to control the process; if you can. Trust me when I say, I'd never thought I'd been in this position. Nonetheless, I am, but we're doing it on my terms, not hers. You should as well. If she's filing on Thursday, you file tomorrow. See your attorney at 9am sharp. If he files by early afternoon, you should be good to go.


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