# divorcing him, though I don't want to



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I am brokenhearted as I had no option but to dissolve my marriage to my husband. (It's actually an annulment, not a divorce technically.) Although I am the one who filed, he essentially pushed me to it as he wouldn't make any effort to save the marriage. I gave him an ultimatum last year to take action or else the marriage was over, and he basically just disregarded it (I know ultimatum are not good, but he had pushed me to that point.) He lives overseas (India) as he chose to remain with his mom over moving to the US to be with me. He still says he loves me and misses me and doesn't want to divorce, but there is no action to substantiate his words. Although I enjoy his companionship, there is no husbandly support from his side (no financial, emotional, intellectual, physical etc). Essentially there never really was a marriage... as it started with him pursuing me to marry him, me agreeing to the marriage and taking my vows seriously, then him breaking all promises and making no effort at all once the wedding was over, and me trying to teach him how to be a good husband to me with him not really caring at all. He's the romantic type who has bought me flowers, and shipped me pretty artificial jewelry from India to the US, and mails me cards for my birthday or our anniversary. So he does romantic stuff like that, but he refuses to man up to be the kind of husband that I need (i.e. a partner who will put me first, as he puts his parents/brother and his students who he teaches above me). Although we got married over 2 years ago, he refused to move to the US to be with me as an act of rebellion, since I wouldn't allow his parents to move in with us. Although he's really intelligent (bookwise), he's more of a boy rather than a man, and he has no insight into the relationship.

I filed for annulment, he mailed his documents to me, I submitted them to my lawyer who submitted them to court... and now the annulment should be complete in the next 1-2 weeks. I know intellectually that this is the right decision. I am 32 years old now, and gave him the last 3 years of my life... and now I need to move on if I want to marry again and have a family. He will just keep me in relationship purgatory if I allow him, as he won't change himself at all but will just keep telling me he loves me, misses me, etc just to keep me hanging. He keeps throwing crumbs at me (like a sweet email once every few weeks), and like a fool I keep hanging on with wishful thinking, wishing for a miracle that maybe someday he will miraculously get me and really want to make things work. After giving him the failed ultimatum, I had (deep-down) hoped that filing documents with my lawyer would spur him to action, but that didn't do anything either. He just keeps saying he loves me and is sad that I felt the need to leave him, and acts like he is the victim here.

I make excuses for him. I know he had horrible role models. His dad and uncle (who he observed growing up) weren't good spouses. They are not bad people, but they were just bad husbands. He grew up in a patriarchal society (India) where it is common for men to put their parents above their wives. I know I deserve much, much better than to put up with this. But there is always the wishful part of me that hopes that if he just moved in with me, that maybe he'd gain some insight and understand me better and be a real husband. (He still says he's willing to move to the US to be with me - though he has told me before that this means his parents come too, to stay for extended periods.) Logically I doubt that he would ever become this husband I need him to be... but the heart wants what it wants. I am in love with the dream-version of him I created in my head of the man he could potentially be someday.

I guess what I really need is strength right now to face this. I am still madly in love with my husband who I have not seen in so long, and all I want is to be with him instead of dissolving the marriage. I wish I had more self-confidence to know (not just intellectually, but also emotionally) that I deserve better than to be last priority to someone.


----------



## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

Why don't you want his parents to move to the US? is there a conflict ?
If it was me, I would bring them all here if I am MADLY in love. The financial burden will be a concern but it will worth it in the end. I love my husband therefore I will love my in laws the same because my husband would not be here with me without my in laws. It's just my opinion. 
There is nothing wrong with a son being kind to his parents. He was raised that way and it is who he is. I respect that culture. 
Anyway, I wish you the best since you already decided to divorce your husband.


----------



## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

rks1 said:


> I guess what I really need is strength right now to face this. I am still madly in love with my husband who I have not seen in so long, and all I want is to be with him instead of dissolving the marriage. I wish I had more self-confidence to know (not just intellectually, but also emotionally) that I deserve better than to be last priority to someone.


I am sorry you are here. That last night describes my whole situation and why I have to move away from my husband as well.

All I can say is stick to your guns, and do what makes you happy. If you have evaluated the situation and have decided that this is the best course of action for you, and the one that will make you happy, then stick to it. If you are not 100% sure then you might want to evaluate.


----------

