# help



## hercfe (Jun 18, 2013)

i am in tears right now. i cant figure out what i need to do about my marriage. i love my wife, and she loves me i think, but we have no relationship at all. i dont really know how to do this, so i guess ill just list everything out. please help.

we have 2 kids who are great daughter 4 years old and son 10 mos. we don't ever have any physical contact in the last 11-12 months. i know its partly my fault. 

my wife has BPD and PTSD from old relationships. I have PTSD and depression from military. I don't have time to see dr about this so VA gives me pills, but i dont take them. wife is home with kids while i work 12hrs 5days so she doesnt have time to see dr. we cant really afford copay anyways, but that not the point. 

she is convinced that both her and my daughter are allergic to just about everything. i know this is possible, but all she does is look up reasons for this on internet. we have seen drs for this and they all say no, but wife still believes. daughter now old enough that she believes too. we have multiple arguments and conversations about this, but it just goes nowhere because she wont consider that she could be wrong. daughter is healthy, but eats only a few veges, no meat, no protein, i'm afraid for her. 

wife wont listen, we see therapist every other week, but therapisst jsut agrees with her that its possible and leaves it alone. our marriage is basically meaningless now. she wants absolutely no physical contact, and says its because i am not emotional enough for her and she doesnt feel safe since haviving our son because of her past. 

wife wont let me take kids to my family because she thinks they will be contaminated by allergies. she doesn't like my mother, which is another story. i don't know how to make things work. 

after all this, i find out my grandma is dying, no body movment no brain function just heartbeat and lung machine so my cousin from detroit is here to visit from 5 hours away and i cant see her because she staying at my parents house.

i feel so alone and helpless. i think everyday about maybe i should quit my job and get something with better hours and maybe with less money we can still be happier. i want to believe about allergies, but im starting to resent her about it. i want to find help that i really think will work, but weve been to 3 different marrigae therapists and nothing seems to work.

i dont want to fell like a roommate anymore. i want my family back. i want my wife back. am i asking too much? please help


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You aren't going to get anywhere without some serious intervention. Do whatever it takes and get the help and follow their instructions.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

You are in a really tough place. Sorry you are here. Given both your histories ...bpd,ptsd. I do believe the first step is making time and budgeting somehow for you both to get counseling. The two of you can't battle this on your own. Why aren't you taking the medication?

As for your wife, what she is feeling..., her obsession with the allergies is real to her even if its unfounded and may be a manifestation of the issues you mentioned although it sounds like ocd to me. I'm suprised the therapist she has seen seems to just let it go as a possibility when doctors have said its not the case and now she is going so far as to ban your family for fear of contamination and she is passing this obsession and fear onto your daughter. 

You feel helpless and alone...she feels helpless and alone...and neither of you feel safe with the other at this point. You need to bridge this gap. You can disagree yet show understanding. But you can't fix this for her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

First, take the meds prescribed for you. Second, make the time to see a dr. It's your life. Third get her to a dr. Get a few hours off from work. Take it a step at a time. But get some professional
Help.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I just want to throw in the fact it took us 4 therapists before we found the right one. Its certainly a process that you don't want to just settle for one for the sake of going. It has to fit, both of you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

She sounds like she could have OCD.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

take her and your daughter to see an allergist, and get them tested. Make her, no... FORCE her to promise that she will accept the conclusion of the allergist and hold her to it. I sense not only OCD, but a bit of hypochondriac in her. She's being unreasonable, and needs to be told. If she won't listen to you, then she needs to listen to a licensed professional.

If that doesn't work, I honestly believe that she is jeapordizing your children, and it would be prudent to remove them from her care. Yes, that means leaving her, but what's more important? A dying/dead relationship, or your two kids? It's your job to protect them. The way she is lauding over them, denying them a relationship with relatives, sheltering them, will ultimately lead to disaster, mark my words.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

hercfe said:


> wife wont let me take kids to my family because she thinks they will be contaminated by allergies. she doesn't like my mother, which is another story. i don't know how to make things work.


Start off by not doing something just because she won't "let you".

You're a grown man with children.

You want to take your kids to your family, then take them!

Your wife might even develop new profound respect for you since you no longer sit there and take it from her.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Start off by not doing something just because she won't "let you".
> 
> You're a grown man with children.
> 
> ...


^ That too.


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