# Not sure what to think



## Callie23 (Jul 2, 2013)

First post here. A few months ago my H went back to college. We have been married for 7 years and have one child. Soon after he started school he became different--staying out later, hanging out at the campus bar, etc. one day he comes home and says he's not cut out for family life. I found an unopened box of condoms in his backpack. 

He has recently come back and wants desperately to reconcile. I'm just not sure what to think--he swears the condoms were in case something happened, that he never used any, and that he was just flattered that college girls still found him attractive (he's in his early 30s). 

I don't know what to believe. Any advice?


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Do you want to spend the rest of your life playing detective? 

Ok, let's say he made a "mistake" and saw the error of his ways. Can you trust that when the next distraction comes along, he won't jump at the chance? Decide, again, that he's not "cut out for family life"?

And the fact that he bought condoms shows that he DEFINITELY had intent. In a way, I think that is worse. Yes, if he was cheating, it was "good" of him to take precautions, but on the flipside, this was planned. There's no "it just happened" excuse. When you go out and buy contraception to use with someone OTHER than your spouse/significant other, you've crossed a line.

JMHO.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The condoms were in case "something happened"? Nothing like planning ahead for all possibilities.

Will he agree to counseling? If not, you have a serious decision to make.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Are there any condoms missing?

Bottom line- he has betrayed you and the kids. 

It's also an addictive behavior. An addict can only practice his addiction when he has a spouse to betray.

Is this what you want as a family?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Callie23 said:


> First post here. A few months ago my H went back to college. We have been married for 7 years and have one child. Soon after he started school he became different--staying out later, hanging out at the campus bar, etc. one day he comes home and says he's not cut out for family life. I found an unopened box of condoms in his backpack.
> 
> He has recently come back and wants desperately to reconcile. I'm just not sure what to think--he swears the condoms were in case something happened, that he never used any, and that he was just flattered that college girls still found him attractive (he's in his early 30s).
> 
> I don't know what to believe. Any advice?


How long between the acting different to the saying he's not cut out for family life to the coming back and wanting to reconcile?

Did he leave your home?

Can you check his phone records to see what numbers he called/texted and how often? College girls love to text.

Can you check his email, Facebook, etc.?

My initial feeling would be to take him back and work on the marriage, but also to find out the truth about what exactly he did with other women, why he left, why he's back, and why this whole thing won't happen again. If you can't get the answers to your questions, then there's a good possibility it will happen again. He should give you all passwords to all communication accounts and devices.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

ever heard of the "seven year itch"? sounds like your husband has that and went a little crazy being back in the college milieu. Is this the first time there have been issues in your marriage? If not, then he may need a good slap up the side of his head to knock it off and fly straight. If there have been other times, then there may be more serious issues at hand.


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## Callie23 (Jul 2, 2013)

To make matters worse, our sex life had dwindled down to almost nothing. I've always had a much higher sex drive than he has so finding those condoms knocked the wind out of me. 

He says he will go to counseling. But I keep finding him hiding other stuff--drinking when he says he's not, staying late at school to do who knows what when he's done with class, etc...little things that just don't add up. It's true. I'd be spending most of the rest of my life playing detective, wouldn't I.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Probably already cheated, you just found pack number 26. 1-25 have already been used.


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## Callie23 (Jul 2, 2013)

His behavior changed over a few months. Once I found the condoms I told him to leave. He's been out of the house for a little over a month. 

I did try to check texts but iMessages don't seem to register on our phone bill. I don't know his passwords but do know he likes to read the cragslist personals "because they're funny" and that he had fake dating profiles set up online also to "read the funny ones"...jeez writing this out kinda makes things much clearer.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

He's clearly cheating.

Having said that, if he isn't living at home he might feel entitled to.

You need to know the truth as a minimum before you attempt to reconcile. Maybe not the details (that's up to you), but you need to know if he has cheated.

It looks obvious that he has, but much of demanding the truth is for him to show that he understands what he has done and so that it isn't just swept under the carpet.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Callie23 said:


> His behavior changed over a few months. Once I *found the condoms *I told him to leave. He's been out of the house for a little over a month.
> 
> I did try to check texts but iMessages don't seem to register on our phone bill. *I don't know his passwords *but do know he likes to read the *cragslist personals* "because they're funny" and that he had *fake dating profiles *set up online also to "read the funny ones"...jeez writing this out kinda makes things much clearer.


4 BIG red flags staring you right in the face. I know you don't want to face what he is or is doing. But sooner or later you will be forced to.

He's been cheating for YEARS. Divorce his azz right now.

Sorry to sound so harsh.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Callie23 said:


> I don't know what to believe. Any advice?


He's living the single life, with everything wich comes with it. And of course he started at it the very moment you started noticing the red flags, If not earlier (*), not when he told you he wanted out.
I highly suspect whatever was going on was not "just" a bunch of ONSs with random college girls (It can be truth too) but a full blown EA-PA with a particular one. He decided give her a shot and this is when he left. For some reasons OW didn't pan out and now he's willing to come back, of course in his terms: what means he won't disclosure the truth.

(*) Just read the fake profiles. Was it happening at the same time or earlier? It's possible he has been cheating for more time.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It sure sounds like he is cheating to me. 

Has he always been a drinker or is this new as well? 

Where is he staying now that he is out of the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

With all the red flags here, the likelihood is that he cheated. Too many to assume otherwise.

If he admitted that he did or you found out he did, would this be a deal breaker for you? Even if not, you need to know what you are forgiving. So either way, ask him to take a polygraph. If he refuses, you have your answer.

If he takes it and fails, you have your answer.

If he confesses ahead of the polygraph date, don't cancel it. He's likely trickle truthing you.

If he passes it, you have a chance for R; *IF* he demonstrates remorse going forward. 

That is, if you would still want to R. If so, and you get to that point, check back with us on what to do next. He would still have a lot of heavy lifting to do to demonstrate that he is truly remorseful, whether he had a PA or not.


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## Callie23 (Jul 2, 2013)

Hey thanks for all the replies. I just got off work and saw all of these. I appreciate the honest responses and my gut knows you all are right...the cheating has already happened and now I need to figure out what to do. 

He's always been a social drinker but does tend to hide how much he drinks (and lately who he is with). He's been staying with his parents since he left our house but I'm not sure what he's told them about this. 

Are private polygraph places really that easy to find? I am thinking about that. To be honest though this time away from him has shown me how much I miss not questioning everything if that makes sense.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just google your city name bd polygraph, should run a couple hundred.


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