# How do you show her she is no. 1?



## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

I have a hard time to believe I'm the one for my boyfriend, I know he does love me a lot. Still, our history makes it hard to believe he loves me enough. So, what do you guys do to show your ladies you are serious?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Middle finger


I jest, kinda


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

catfan said:


> So, what do you guys do to show your ladies you are serious?


Stayed married to her for 27 years.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you show her she is no. 1?*



okeydokie said:


> Middle finger
> 
> 
> I jest, kinda


Ok... offending triggering reaction that makes me distrust men even more.... sigh...


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

catfan said:


> Ok... offending triggering reaction that makes me distrust men even more.... sigh...


After reading your question, my mind filled with a number of immature replies that would probably offend you, so I'll STFU on this one.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think this answer will depend on what you mean by "loves me _enough_." What is "enough"? What would make you feel loved "enough"? 

For example, my SO does a lot of little things to show me he loves me, but he's one of those guys who can't sit still and is always doing things, like washing the cars, fixing my leaky toilet, installing dimmer switches, making the door to my master bath stop squeaking so it doesn't make me nuts when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night...that's how he shows love.

However, I feel really loved when he's willing to give up a precious Saturday to come with me to visit my parents because it makes them happy and that's super important to me.

So, it's all really about you. What makes you feel loved "enough"?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

These reactions make me not believe men can be serious about relationships with one woman. I guess they are just too immature!


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Crying and givig up here...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

More productive question is "what is your boyfriend doing that makes you think you're not #1"?

Rather than calling all men immature, you may get more help if you give specifics of your situation. Personally, I think I show my SO she's important to me by demonstrating that her and her needs are important to me. It might be something as simple as sending her a text during the day. It might be keeping track of her favorite snacks and making sure I gave some when she comes over. It might be making sure I look ok and my place is cleaned up when she comes over, because that's important to her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Don't give up, Catfan. A lot of threads on TAM start out with snarky or negative comments. It just takes 1 or 2 posters to turn things around.

My husband shows me that I am #1 by taking the time to learn my love languages, which are words of affirmation and touch. He always supports and encourages me, takes the time to ask about my day, really listens to me, and he never misses an opportunity to playfully slap my behind, kiss me on the forehead, hug me from behind, or demonstrate physical affection. Needless to say, I am one happy woman!


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

My boyfriend is doing a lot to make me feel loved. He made a collage with pictures of us, writes me loving notes, texts me, etc etc. 

But in the beginning of our relationship stuck with his ex-FWB, and didn't asked me to commit. We went to Paris and many couples on the bus hung a lock on a bridge, symbolising eternal love, he ony made pictures and didn't ask me anything. My cousin was asked by her BF to marry him, they met the same way we did, through an internet game. They know eachother way shorter. This all made me compare and miserable. I know I shouldn't compare, but I just wish I was sure I was the one for him, esp. after all that happened with his ex-fwb.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't know what you mean about his ex-FWB. Please clarify?

And yes, it's horribly unfair to compare. You're setting you both up for failure. 

How long have you been dating? How long had you been dating when you were in Paris? How old are you two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

catfan said:


> These reactions make me not believe men can be serious about *relationships with one woman*. I guess they are just too immature!


I suppose one could find the initial responses immature, but how did you make the leap to "one woman"? Are you implying that men are after more than one woman because they make a less than serious remark? I'm not following you here.

I was married to the same woman for 17 years, and we dated for three years before that. Not once during the entire time did I ever call her a name, ever hit her, threaten her. I never cheated. I was pretty much everything most women claim to want but can never find because there aren't any good men out there. You know what? She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and didn't appreciate one damn bit of it. The straw that broke my back was when she cheated on me.

Fast forward to today. I am still the same man that I was, and I have found a woman who appreciates me for everything that I am.

How do I show her she's my number 1? Aside from the basic respect things like no name calling, no hitting, no cheating, I am a good listener, and draw on my empathy to really try and understand her. Understand what her motivations are, what makes her tick. She is big on time and touch. When we are together, she has my undivided attention with frequent affectionate touching. Her family is very important to her, and I treat them in the way she does. Family gatherings? I'm always there with her. 

Just as an example of how I am when it comes to my basic interactions, when we are watching Jeopardy, and she gets Final Jeopardy right, and I don't, I tell her how awesome it is that she knew the answer. I build her up. I don't tear her down, even jokingly. Why would I want to? I respect and admire her.

Sorry for the ramblings here, but if you still want to lump me in with all the othe men you are, then so be it, but I know for a fact that if you asked my STBW, she'd tell you with a huge grin on her face how she KNOWS she's my number 1.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

catfan said:


> My boyfriend is doing a lot to make me feel loved. He made a collage with pictures of us, writes me loving notes, texts me, etc etc.
> 
> But in the beginning of our relationship stuck with his ex-FWB, and didn't asked me to commit. We went to Paris and many couples on the bus hung a lock on a bridge, symbolising eternal love, he ony made pictures and didn't ask me anything. My cousin was asked by her BF to marry him, they met the same way we did, through an internet game. They know eachother way shorter. This all made me compare and miserable. I know I shouldn't compare, but I just wish I was sure I was the one for him, esp. after all that happened with his ex-fwb.





PBear said:


> I don't know what you mean about his ex-FWB. Please clarify?
> 
> And yes, it's horribly unfair to compare. You're setting you both up for failure.
> 
> ...


I was just wondering the same things.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'll repeat my question - what would make you feel loved "enough"? 

Is there something you can identify, short of a marriage proposal, that would make you feel loved "enough," per your OP?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

We met online, through second life, a virtual reality game. Talked hours every day. He had a FWB, a friend with benefits. She was the best friend of his sister, and still is a good family friend.
Through more than one year online dating he let her get inbetween us. Only since he moved to my country, he cut her of.

One year later, she send me a copy of their chat of just before he moved here, it was rather sexual and ruined our one year anniversary. Last year his sister got married, his ex fwb send me a request of being her bridesmaid. I couldn't deal with it and the trip to the USA was a stressfull issue.

He is here for almost 3 years now, not tring very hard to get a job. I have little income, so it's hard on me.

I just wish I could forget the ex, and he would find a job and would commit to me. He does a lot, cleans, tries to make me feel good about us. But the main things, work, real commitment...I am waiting...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

catfan said:


> He is here for almost 3 years now, not tring very hard to get a job. I have little income, so it's hard on me.
> 
> I just wish I could forget the ex, and he would find a job and would commit to me. He does a lot, cleans, tries to make me feel good about us. But the main things, work, real commitment...I am waiting...


So there's your answer. In order to feel loved enough, you need him to be responsible enough to get a job, and you need some kind of commitment from him, which you have not seen happen in 3 years.

That's a LONG time for him not to have a job. That is actually what I'd be more concerned about. Instead of wanting him to make a commitment to me, I'd be wondering whether I want to make a commitment to a guy who shows no signs of wanting to get a job, and is content to live off my income alone without having made any commitment. 

Is that really the kind of guy you want? How many years are you willing to give up waiting for this guy to suddenly become the guy you wish he were instead of the guy he actually is?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Sorry cat, we call shooting the finger "your number one" here in the states. It really was just a joke and I meant nothing offensive


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you show her she is no. 1?*



norajane said:


> So there's your answer. In order to feel loved enough, you need him to be responsible enough to get a job, and you need some kind of commitment from him, which you have not seen happen in 3 years.
> 
> That's a LONG time for him not to have a job. That is actually what I'd be more concerned about. Instead of wanting him to make a commitment to me, I'd be wondering whether I want to make a commitment to a guy who shows no signs of wanting to get a job, and is content to live off my income alone without having made any commitment.
> 
> Is that really the kind of guy you want? How many years are you willing to give up waiting for this guy to suddenly become the guy you wish he were instead of the guy he actually is?


I'm not trying to make excuses, just know he would want people to know part of those 3 years he was waiting for his papers and 1 1/2 years he was in school learning the language. Bu the last months he could have tried harder. He just said he doesn't want to marry someone that doesn't trust him. It's a circle we can't get out of...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

catfan said:


> I'm not trying to make excuses, just know he would want people to know part of those 3 years he was waiting for his papers and 1 1/2 years he was in school learning the language. Bu the last months he could have tried harder. He just said he doesn't want to marry someone that doesn't trust him. It's a circle we can't get out of...


Why stay? Why put up with this? Is it worth it?


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you show her she is no. 1?*



jld said:


> Why stay? Why put up with this? Is it worth it?


I love him, I believe he loves me. But it's not enough for the long run, I know.... It's my first relationship after being single over 14 years. I don't know much about relationships. First time living together for me. I have low self esteem. Never seen a functioning relationship up close.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Questions:


How long have you and your BF been together?


Do you live together? If so, how long have you been living together? _(ETA, I see now that you do)
_

Does your BF ill-treat you in some way?


Do you and your BF have difficulty communicating with one another?


Do you feel that your BF is not meeting your emotional needs?


Why do you feel he might not love you, and what do you mean by "enough?"


To gain some insight into your love needs, perhaps it would help for you to do the Love Language quiz, and get your BF to do it, too. Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

catfan said:


> I have a hard time to believe I'm the one for my boyfriend, I know he does love me a lot. Still, our history makes it hard to believe he loves me enough. So, what do you guys do to show your ladies you are serious?


I'm sorry. This sounds like you want us to develop a 'sh*t test' for your boyfriend, where you can compare him to the best person on TAM.

How about you say to yourself: do I think he is treating me the way I deserve as his GF who acts like X? 

Not treated like X stranger treats his woman. Maybe HIS woman treats her hubby better than you treat your BF so she's EARNED it. Maybe he's a fool. Maybe your BF just can't DO that. So you need to determine your own requirements, not foist someone else's on him...or yourself.

Here is a little test. To get treated better...try treating HIM better. Or TALK to him!

Men fix squeaky wheels...not sullenly resentful ones.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

PBear said:


> More productive question is "what is your boyfriend doing that makes you think you're not #1"?
> 
> Rather than calling all men immature, you may get more help if you give specifics of your situation. Personally, I think I show my SO she's important to me by demonstrating that her and her needs are important to me. It might be something as simple as sending her a text during the day. It might be keeping track of her favorite snacks and making sure I gave some when she comes over. It might be making sure I look ok and my place is cleaned up when she comes over, because that's important to her.
> 
> ...


Mind if I piggy-back from this post?


My husband bought me anti-static spray. :smthumbup: Be still my beating heart!

Let me explain. That morning, he'd seen me getting dressed for work. Skirt suit with stockings and blouse. He complimented my appearance and I gave him my awkward face and showed him that I was having a wardrobe malfunction as the lining of the skirt had become static after ironing it and was sticking to my stockings and making it awkward to walk... I acknowledge that sometimes I'm a little ridiculous. While I was in 'awkward wardrobe malfunction hurrying for the train' mode he asked if there was anything I could do to fix my skirt. I blurted, "Anti-static clothes spray! but I don't have any. I'll need to get some." I decided to quickly iron a different skirt to feel more comfortable and try to pull the outfit together and still get the train. That evening, I noticed a bag from the store. I asked him what he'd got. He said "Oh! I got you anti-static spray for your skirt.."


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> I'm sorry. This sounds like you want us to develop a 'sh*t test' for your boyfriend, where you can compare him to the best person on TAM.


Or maybe she just wants to hear a range of different stories about how men show their love to get a better sense of millions of ways they do so.

Is that so bad?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

catfan said:


> I love him, I believe he loves me. But it's not enough for the long run, I know.... It's my first relationship after being single over 14 years. I don't know much about relationships. First time living together for me. I have low self esteem. Never seen a functioning relationship up close.


Catfan, it is good to listen to a variety of opinions. But I would encourage you to remember that men may see things differently than women, and they may be looking for their own advantage. Dh says that men are selfish, and women are vulnerable. Do you think your situation fits his description?

Men also have a way of talking to women that probably works well with other men, but not necessarily women. Try not to feel hurt, but learn from what they say. Even if it is just to say, "Gee, that is not the kind of guy I want to be with."

When I met my guy, people did not think he was for real. How could a man be so nice, so genuinely nice and kind and secure? How could he give so much without expecting to get something equal in return? And 20 years later, he is still giving.

There are great guys out there. You don't have to settle. But you do have to be willing to be alone until and unless a worthy man comes along.

How can we help you be able to do this?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Well, I'm not every man but I never was big on wooing a young lady. I learned fairly early that I did not like the type of woman that always put the onus on me to do something sweet or romantic. It becomes too difficult to keep up with that. I actually dumped the most physically attractive woman I ever dated because I just didn't want to keep jumping through hoops to "prove" my love.

I do have romantic moments but for the most part I'm a take me as I am kind of guy. I wanted my future wife to think more about what she is doing to make me happy, and that's who I chose. I in turn work to make sure her needs are met as well.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I was never really the "romantic type" either.

But with my wife , she helped bring out that part of me.
I think it was because I was confident about her intentions and the way she felt about me.

I knew that she liked loving acts of service.
Whatever she asked me to do , I would simply do it for her and sometimes more than what she asked.

If she asked me to drop off a shoe by the cobbler to replace the heel, I would drop off the shoe, collect it later pay for it and also purchase her a new pair.

But I felt comfortable meeting both her needs and wants because I just knew that she was the one.

Today , I still do the same things for her.
Whatever she asks for,I try to give more.
I put her wishes above everyone's else's


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Or maybe she just wants to hear a range of different stories about how men show their love to get a better sense of millions of ways they do so.
> 
> Is that so bad?


Obviously there is some question in her heart that she IS his no. 1. So to me, asking is moot. There is already something wrong.

At least that's the sense I get.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I was never really the "romantic type" either.
> 
> But with my wife , she helped bring out that part of me.
> I think it was because I was confident about her intentions and the way she felt about me.
> ...


Your relationship sounds like its got a good balance. Ideally both spouses should be in "service" to the other. When you're happy you don't mind this at all. 

Sadly I see a lot of couples where one partner seems to feel more entitled for some reason. When this happens the giving spouse actually feels like a servant and it becomes a burden.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

JCD said:


> Obviously there is some question in her heart that she IS his no. 1. So to me, asking is moot. There is already something wrong.


Absolutely agree. There is a question and something wrong. But is the "wrong" in her expectations of what love looks like, or is it in his treatment of her and/or the relationship?

The better picture she can have of what love looks like, the better she can determine the answer.

At least that's how I see it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm thinking that the better use of her time would be to read the 'Five Languages of Love'.

Maybe he IS doing things, but he is doing the WRONG things.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Your relationship sounds like its got a good balance. Ideally both spouses should be in "service" to the other. When you're happy you don't mind this at all.
> 
> Sadly I see a lot of couples where one partner seems to feel more entitled for some reason. When this happens the giving spouse actually feels like a servant and it becomes a burden.


Lol, thanks.
That's why I have deep respect and admiration for Simply Amorous and a few others here marriages so much!
Yes you are correct. Balance is definitely key, it works best when two people's personality types complement each other.

I think I was lucky because back then , when I was single, I hardly knew any of this stuff. It was actually my wife that taught me about some of those things.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@catfan, your BF doesn't show you that you're #1 and the ONE for him simply because you are not. Sorry but as soon as he finds someone worth living, and working for, he'll be gone. Most likely he'll meet her online :scratchhead:

You are so desperate not be alone and clinging so tightly that you refuse to see the obvious...he's just not that into you. I would bet that there are so many red flags from the beginning to the inevitable end of this relationship that one would lose count. Do yourself a favor and kick him out before he dumps and runs


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: How do you show her she is no. 1?*



bobbieb65 said:


> @catfan, your BF doesn't show you that you're #1 and the ONE for him simply because you are not. Sorry but as soon as he finds someone worth living, and working for, he'll be gone. Most likely he'll meet her online :scratchhead:
> 
> You are so desperate not be alone and clinging so tightly that you refuse to see the obvious...he's just not that into you. I would bet that there are so many red flags from the beginning to the inevitable end of this relationship that one would lose count. Do yourself a favor and kick him out before he dumps and runs


This reply made me realise that I don't fear him finding someone else as much as I did before. He does show me a lot he loves me, in many ways. 

I do compare us too much to other couples, out of insecurity. We had a good long talk about the future and him looking for jobs. He has his own issues that make him insecure about finding a job and work, nothing to do with me.

I will work on letting go of my fears and trusting him more, and will support him in overcomiung his fears, as he supports me with mine


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