# Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords?



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

hi..

1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?

2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?

3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc

For me, i think if there is nothing to hide,partners should be able to share passwords..


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? No, but she has passcode to my phone and all my accounts are logged in. I do not conceal or hide phone from her (I don't hide it or carry it if i'm outside doing work and shes inside)
> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone? yes she has it to my phone. no i don't have it to her phone, as she has too much to hide (found stuff before)
> ...



My wife hides a ton of stuff. I cared for a while. I don't now.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? No. But she is welcome to have them if she wants and I have given them to her in the past. She will NOT give me hers though. I stay logged into my email and Facebook on my computer and walk away for hours. She gets on it, I have seen her

2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone? She has access to my phone whenever. I do not password protect it. Hers, on the other hand, is password protected and she will not let me near it. I leave my phone laying around everywhere. She protects hers like a hawk! She carries it with her around the house everywhere!

3 Are you ok with your spouse adding unknown females on Facebook? I assume that I need to change this to males. No, I have no problem with it.

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc? This gets tricky. Lunch? Maybe. Depends what happens afterwards. Having friends of the opposite sex is always a tricky situation. I do not believe that there can be a pure platonic relationship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sex. Even if it is never acted on, it is still fantasized about. And there is nothing wrong with fantasy, but too many times I have witnessed (first hand) those fantasies become realities.

For me, i think if there is nothing to hide,partners should be able to share passwords.. I completely agree!

These are just my opinions. I think there should be nothing to hide if there is nothing to hide. And if you need to hide something, then you are hiding something.

To me it is that simple.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My wife hides a ton of stuff. I cared for a while. I don't now.


I am sorry to hear this. have you talked about this with her? why are you still in this relationship ?


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Garrett said:


> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? No. But she is welcome to have them if she wants and I have given them to her in the past. She will NOT give me hers though. I stay logged into my email and Facebook on my computer and walk away for hours. She gets on it, I have seen her
> 
> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone? She has access to my phone whenever. I do not password protect it. Hers, on the other hand, is password protected and she will not let me near it. I leave my phone laying around everywhere. She protects hers like a hawk! She carries it with her around the house everywhere!
> 
> ...


thanks for pointing out the mistake in the 3rd question. i have edited it now  

so... before your problems started, was it this way? (her hiding passwords and phone)

and knowing she might be doing anything -given that she protects the phone like a hawk-you do not mind her adding unknown men?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Using my ex as the example:



finding-a-path said:


> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? *Nope. I didn't know hers and she didn't know mine. She kept forgetting hers, too.*
> 
> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone? *Password protected. Changed it when the relationship ended but she hadn't moved out.*
> 
> ...


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> I am sorry to hear this. have you talked about this with her? why are you still in this relationship ?


see my other thread, "calling all LD wives" 

I havent quite figured out what to do. Having a daughter makes bold moves difficult.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> thanks for pointing out the mistake in the 3rd question. i have edited it now
> 
> so... before your problems started, was it this way? (her hiding passwords and phone)
> 
> and knowing she might be doing anything -given that she protects the phone like a hawk-you do not mind her adding unknown men?


She has always been like that and she flips out like a mad woman if I question anything so I just do not. 

I have no control over her adding men to her Facebook. What am I going to do? If I say anything she flips out on me and starts emotionally abusing me and calling me names and telling me to get out and screaming at me.

Not worth it....


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

for 1 and 2, We don't hide, but that is only currently.
for 3, no and this used to be an issue, not anymore, boundaries added and in place.
4. We don't have many opposite sex friends, either way. I am not sure either of us are comfortable with OSF.

To me, toxic friends are more an issue than the electronic stuff.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Garrett said:


> She has always been like that and she flips out like a mad woman if I question anything so I just do not.
> 
> I have no control over her adding men to her Facebook. What am I going to do? If I say anything she flips out on me and starts emotionally abusing me and calling me names and telling me to get out and screaming at me.
> 
> Not worth it....


exactly. mine gets angry and defensive. i've stopped caring. I wish i had the balls or interest in adding random women to flirt with. unfortunately I'm too busy working, parenting, and living.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> exactly. mine gets angry and defensive. i've stopped caring. I wish i had the balls or interest in adding random women to flirt with. unfortunately I'm too busy working, parenting, and living.


:iagree:


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


We know each other's passwords and even each other's personal identification number.[ Bank]


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

We have unfettered access to each others accounts, phones, passwords. There is confusion here. Privacy is using the toilet with the door closed. There is no secrecy in marriage. 

We have other couples as friends. We know each other well. Zero,issues with lunches. We usually go together though. As matter of course, we always communicate what were doing. 

Adding unknown opposite sex or same sex -- Has not happened. We are in touch with friends only. Not open to the world on social accts.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Q tip said:


> There is confusion here. Privacy is using the toilet with the door closed. There is no secrecy in marriage.
> .


Very well said!!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? Yes
> 
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

1: Not sure. I generally leave email and FB logged in so she can look if she wants. My work email password needs to be secret due to the nature of my job, but I often leave it logged in at home. She does not know about this account. I have never checked on her accounts.

2: Yes. Too lazy to PW protect. Nothing interesting on my phone anyway.

3: No problem. We both have opposite gender friends on FB and similar. No questions asked ever. 

4: Sure. and she is welcome to spend time with them. She has gone to the opera (which I hate) with male friends, or had them over for dinner when I'm out of town. I've taken hiking trips with female friends .




finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> I don't have a FB accoutn & neither does my husband. But we do know each other's passwords to emails & other accounts.
> 
> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?
> ...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?


We don't use Facebook for MILLIONS of reasons.

No to Email, but she can have it right now if requested.



finding-a-path said:


> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?


yes, if she wants...but has been on it when needed to use it from time to time.

Again, if she wants it, she can have it. I have nothing to hide.



finding-a-path said:


> 3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?


Reason #5142334 why we don't us facebook. But no, I wouldn't be ok with that.

But "facebook" friend is also not a REAL friend (reason # 6434543)

We have a boundary, no opposite sex relationships/friendships. So above would fall into that.



finding-a-path said:


> 4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc


NO, not because I don't trust her (I do) but mostly due to NATURE. I also don't believe in men/female friendships.

And it's also disrespectful and inappropriate to have such relationships to our marriage.



finding-a-path said:


> For me, i think if there is nothing to hide,partners should be able to share passwords..


Correct

If your loved one gets defensive upon such a request/question.....WATCH OUT >they have something to hide!


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


Up until last May neither of us shared passwords and I did not care a lot about who she talks to on Facebook or going out to lunch.

She had an affair that came to light in May. Since then we have full access to each other accounts, phones and computers. That was one of my conditions for continuing our marriage. We are OK with each other going to lunch with co-workers. But not games or after work events unless the other person is invited also. 

It is all about establishing transparency and setting healthy boundaries now. Our marriage is in much better shape. 

I do follow a simple rule. I respect her privacy in regards to girlfriends. I don't read her emails or text messages to them. The most I may do is verify that the sender is really a girlfriend. I can if I really want to and she would never know. But that is a boundary *you* have to follow when you have transparency. She has every right in the world to vent about me to her girlfriends. No one wants their spouse reading every single email or text they send. But the spouse should be able to. You are trusting your spouse to be open and your spouse is trusting you not to search through their conversations.

And yes in the beginning, I have seen texts stating that I was acting like a jerk. And I never mentioned it to her. If you violate their trust in you, then why should they be transparent with you?!

In hindsight it should be standard in any marriage. We are sharing finances, life dreams and raising children together! We are making huge commitments and sacrifices for each other. If I die, my wife will receive a large amount of money. We both have the right to know who they are communicating with or what is the state of their finances.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

No, my partner and I do not have each other's passwords. We respect each other's privacy.

We also greatly trust each other. 

If one day we needed passwords to verify that trust, then that trust would be broken unequivocally and we would part ways.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> No, my partner and I do not have each other's passwords. We respect each other's privacy.
> 
> We also greatly trust each other.
> 
> If one day we needed passwords to verify that trust, then that trust would be broken unequivocally and we would part ways.


You sound like razgor prior to below....... 



razgor said:


> Up until last May neither of us shared passwords and I did not care a lot about who she talks to on Facebook or going out to lunch.
> 
> She had an affair that came to light in May.


If you don't have a reason, don't bother (I don't either) but if you do, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for this info and there should be 0 defensiveness from the other person when asked).

Reaction to asking = everything you need to know.

Also, one thing to note, when you ask your SO for the info. Expect it right there and then. Any time that goes by between the time you ask/get the info = they are erasing crap


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

DoF said:


> You sound like razgor prior to below.......
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I asked and got told that it was none of my business and that I am being a controlling husband.

Now what?


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> You sound like razgor prior to below.......
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Nah, my partner and I are both very high achievers, both with large business responsibilities and work.

We don't have time to obsess over what each other is doing in spare time. We both know that we are equally highly desirable and we are very lucky to have each other. If either of us has an inkling of cheating then this wonderful relationship would be over in a second. 

That kind of respect / threat is far more powerful than having unfettered access to emails / facebook accounts. Believe me, we are both devious enough to have secret accounts that the other one would have no idea about if we really wanted to. She is one of the smartest people I know, even smarter than me... that terrifies me at times but also entralls me.

Exchanging email / social media passwords...hah, what a waste of time (and amateurish). We could do whatever we wanted to without all of that waste of time... 

Fortunately we know if either of us get out of line, it's party over for both of us in this wonderful ride. That is pretty powerful.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Garrett said:


> I asked and got told that it was none of my business and that I am being a controlling husband.
> 
> Now what?


I agree with her.

Get over it.

If she REALLY wanted to cheat on you, do you really think she would do it on the accounts that you track anyway?

The overall message is far more important than the delivery. Trust cannot be dictated over passwords and emails.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Garrett said:


> I asked and got told that it was none of my business and that I am being a controlling husband.
> 
> Now what?


What do you mean? Now what? 

Now you know that she is a cheating ***** and you leave her. That's what.

She answered your question. What's the problem?

There is no such a thing as privacy in a marriage, in bathroom only. Relationship is an open book. it's not YOUR life or HER life, its BOTH of your lives/as in one.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> I agree with her.
> 
> Get over it.
> 
> ...


This I agree with, unfortunately, not many people are as intelligent as you with "she wouldn't do it on her accounts".

Most people do this!!! :rofl:


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

DoF said:


> You sound like razgor prior to below.......
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yep. I feel it is better to establish transparency with each other *before* you suspect anything. We are partners for life, not roommates or friends. Neither person should have a secret life. 

And modern technology makes it *very* easy for people to have a secret life.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

razgor said:


> Yep. I feel it is better to establish transparency with each other *before* you suspect anything. We are partners for life, not roommates or friends. Neither person should have a secret life.
> 
> And modern technology makes it *very* easy for people to have a secret life.


I *GUARANTEE* we all have secrets our partners know very little or nothing about.

Your expectation of knowing 100% about your partner is very foolish. That will never happen. Get over it.

The focus should be on trust, not knowing every little thing about your partner. In fact, some secrecy is good for a relationship...it stokes the fire and passion.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

DoF said:


> What do you mean? Now what?
> 
> Now you know that she is a cheating ***** and you leave her. That's what.
> 
> ...


That doesn't mean she's cheating. That means she believes her information on that phone is her business and her business only. I should trust her to not have to look at her phone.

(playing devil's advocate)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> Nah, my partner and I are both very high achievers, both with large business responsibilities and work.


This means nothing to me. I'm sorry.



justaguy123 said:


> We don't have time to obsess over what each other is doing in spare time. We both know that we are equally highly desirable and we are very lucky to have each other. If either of us has an inkling of cheating then this wonderful relationship would be over in a second.


let me clarify, I don't obsess over my wife in my spare time. 

how would you know that it would be over in a second? 

That's not how cheating goes down my friend. It's not that simple, sorry.

One of the members here described it perfectly. Cheating is like a brick of walls that can be dismantled piece by piece by other people......hard for me to remember now. 

Regardless, it's not black or white like you make it.

Most people that cheat said "I would never cheat" etc.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

razgor said:


> Yep. I feel it is better to establish transparency with each other *before* you suspect anything. We are partners for life, not roommates or friends. Neither person should have a secret life.
> 
> And modern technology makes it *very* easy for people to have a secret life.


Correct

Also makes it super easy to cheat.

And to make things worse, many people get into addictions with these Facebooks and become zombies.....next thing you know they are doing things they shouldn't be doing WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT.

Truth is, I know I'm not perfect, I know my wife isn't either. So when we catch each other head in the wrong direction, we back each other up/double check each other.

Mind you, it has never happened, but if my wife was to ask me for email passwords or whatever, I have no secrets and she can have them.

I have nothing to hide. 

If a person has things to hide, they won't give you passwords etc.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> This means nothing to me. I'm sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My partner and I have regular conversations about what we expect out of each other, and that includes crossing the line like getting into any sort of inappropriate relationships with people elsewhere.

We give each other performance reviews and assessments regularly, it is totally clear what we will put up with individually and as a couple. We both are very clear that we will separate if either of us cross the line that is unacceptable to us.

There is no vagueness or fog about how this works. We know what boundaries we have, and what would happen should we cross it. This is far more powerful than trying to keep tabs on each other all the time and looking over the shoulder at private messages and such.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> ...
> 
> I have nothing to hide.
> 
> If a person has things to hide, they won't give you passwords etc.


I disagree. I correspond on some very personal things with my friends and family that they trust me to keep private to myself. They do not give me the right to spill the beans to my partner.

I would feel very weird sharing things with my sister if I knew my brother-in-law was looking over everything.

Somethings are private and should not be shared. Just because it's private does not mean there is cheating or inappropriate things going on. I think it's childish to assume that people are cheating because they want to keep somethings private. We were all born alone, and we will die alone. It does not mean we have to give up our privacy just because we are married or in a significant relationship. We do not lose our rights to private thought and privacy at any time in our lives.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?

Yes. He knows all of my accounts and passwords, and I know all of his.

2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?

He always has access to anything of mine. My phone does not have a password and he can use it any time. His phone has a password and I know the code to it.

3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?

No. It's not acceptable and disrespectful to the marriage. The people on our facebook accounts are family and shared friends. 

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc

Yes, but they can't spend time alone together one and one. It's a rule we decided on together for our marriage, out of respect for one another. We hang out with friends together, but it's not something we do alone.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Garrett said:


> That doesn't mean she's cheating. That means she believes her information on that phone is her business and her business only. I should trust her to not have to look at her phone.
> 
> (playing devil's advocate)


You keep believing that.....

It doesn't mean she is cheating, but she is def hiding something, isn't she?

What she "believes" is that her cheating should remain hidden AT ALL COST. That's what all the cheaters believe/and want.

So I will repeat, there is NO such a thing as privacy or"her business" when it comes to relationships.

Now, I'm not telling you to take that to the extreme and get people's passwords before you even date them hehe. You get what I'm saying.

Like I said, I believe in what I said but thankfully I never had to ask my wife for her passwords etc. If I even get a HINT or gut feeling, I'm asking and I expect the passwords right there and then.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

DoF said:


> This I agree with, unfortunately, not many people are as intelligent as you with "she wouldn't do it on her accounts".
> 
> Most people do this!!! :rofl:


True. But it is a lot harder to keep an account hidden when your partner can physically check a device at any time. 

It is all about adding layers and increasing the difficulty. Nothing is foolproof. But the harder it is, the more likely someone will get sloppy over time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> I disagree. I correspond on some very personal things with my friends and family that they trust me to keep private to myself. They do not give me the right to spill the beans to my partner.


I'm sorry to hear. I don't talk about my personal things with my friends or family .....EVER. But that's just me.



justaguy123 said:


> I would feel very weird sharing things with my sister if I knew my brother-in-law was looking over everything.


So you are saying that you expect your sister to keep a secret from her #1 person in life?

Look, by telling her, you are telling him. Of course she is going to share these things with her loved one/#1.

I don't believe that you are that naive.......

When my mother...brother etc talk to me, they know I'm a unit with my wife. What they say to me, they are saying to my wife.

Now, perhaps there might be some things that might be REALLY private (this has not happened to me yet)........but now we are getting into a completely different topic.



justaguy123 said:


> Somethings are private and should not be shared. Just because it's private does not mean there is cheating or inappropriate things going on. I think it's childish to assume that people are cheating because they want to keep somethings private. We were all born alone, and we will die alone. It does not mean we have to give up our privacy just because we are married or in a significant relationship. We do not lose our rights to private thought and privacy at any time in our lives.


When you share something with <insert anyone> it is no longer private? 

What it is that can be so private that you can't share with your loved one/#1 person in your life? 

I have never ran into this situation (curious).


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> ...
> 
> When you share something with <insert anyone> it is no longer private?
> 
> ...


I've known my sister longer for her life than anyone else in our lives... you don't think there's stuff we'd share that we expect only us to understand and keep private?

Just because her husband is her #1 person in her life, does not mean all of a sudden her husband has the right to know everything about me and the things my sister and I grew up with.

There are quite a lot of things my sister and I chat about, people we used to know, things that the family is doing, what we think about, that we keep to ourselves because we are very close in that way. Most of those things have zero to do with her husband or her kids. I expect her to keep those things private, as she does me. To have an outsider read these things or learn about them would be unnatural and weird.

I find it odd that people feel the need to have unfettered access to everything in their partner's life. I have known my partners (including ex's) for a far less period of time than their family, and I have no rights to intrude on that and expect everything to be revealed and made transparent to me.

Besides, a busybody is never good for relationships. If it doesn't impact my relationship with my partner, I don't care about it and I don't want to know about it.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

DoF said:


> You keep believing that.....
> 
> It doesn't mean she is cheating, but she is def hiding something, isn't she?
> 
> ...


And if your gut feeling was wrong and you found nothing? Then what?


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

justaguy123 said:


> I disagree. I correspond on some very personal things with my friends and family that they trust me to keep private to myself. They do not give me the right to spill the beans to my partner.
> 
> I would feel very weird sharing things with my sister if I knew my brother-in-law was looking over everything.
> 
> Somethings are private and should not be shared. Just because it's private does not mean there is cheating or inappropriate things going on. I think it's childish to assume that people are cheating because they want to keep somethings private. We were all born alone, and we will die alone. It does not mean we have to give up our privacy just because we are married or in a significant relationship. We do not lose our rights to private thought and privacy at any time in our lives.


I think you are confusing transparency with full blown monitoring. Transparency means I can check if I want too. it does not mean that I am reading every single email or text you send. And that should be the expectation from both people. You can have transparency AND privacy. I view transparency more as knowing *who* you are communicating with. Not what you are actually communicating.

What about finances? Do you have access to your spouses finances? Is she allowed to keep separate bank accounts in which you can not see the balances? Would you be OK with your spouse hiding how much money she makes from you? telling you it is none of your business?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Garrett said:


> And if your gut feeling was wrong and you found nothing? Then what?


Then nothing.

What's the problem?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

razgor said:


> I think you are confusing transparency with full blown monitoring. Transparency means I can check if I want too. it does not mean that I am reading every single email or text you send. And that should be the expectation from both people. You can have transparency AND privacy. I view transparency more as knowing *who* you are communicating with. Not what you are actually communicating.
> 
> What about finances? Do you have access to your spouses finances? Is she allowed to keep separate bank accounts in which you can not see the balances? Would you be OK with your spouse hiding how much money she makes from you? telling you it is none of your business?


Correct, it's impossible to check EVERY little thing/communication etc.

Besides, if you are talking about private things with friends/family I would hope one would do it in person vs on email etc.

Besides, by doing it over internet/over email you are already sharing it with companies > the world. They see EVERYTHING.

Which begs the question. If companies and government can see EVERYTHING, why can't your love one?

:scratchhead:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

1. Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?

*Some and most of my accounts stay signed in on my laptop so it shouldn't hard to figure out the rest if she really wanted to snoop for some reason. *

2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?

*I don't have a password protected phone and I leave it lying out in the open constantly. I know her Iphone password.
*
3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?

*My wife can add whomever she wants to her Facebook. She's a grown ass woman. We don't vet friends and social media contacts with each other.
*

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc

*No problem at all. We both have a couple close OSF.*


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

DoF said:


> Then nothing.
> 
> What's the problem?


I would figure that your wife would then question why you felt the need to check her phone and what your reasoning would be to her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Garrett said:


> I would figure that your wife would then question why you felt the need to check her phone and what your reasoning would be to her.


And you tell her the truth. You tell her the reasons why you felt the way you felt.

Whatever that might be (secretive behavior, not enough companionship/time into marriage, gut feeling.......whatever it might be).

My wife can question me as much as she wants, no big deal, I see 0 problem with that. Heck, at times it's healthy to question each other (normal human behavior I thought?).


----------



## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

DoF said:


> And you tell her the truth. You tell her the reasons why you felt the way you felt.
> 
> Whatever that might be (secretive behavior, not enough companionship/time into marriage, gut feeling.......whatever it might be).
> 
> My wife can question me as much as she wants, no big deal, I see 0 problem with that. Heck, at times it's healthy to question each other (normal human behavior I thought?).


Maybe I just cannot grip that because I have never been in a healthy relationship. Whenever I asked to see my girlfriend;s phone or wife's phone they flipped out and told me it was none of their business.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Garrett said:


> Maybe I just cannot grip that because I have never been in a healthy relationship. Whenever I asked to see my girlfriend;s phone or wife's phone they flipped out and told me it was none of their business.


That's unfortunate.

I don't snoop on my wife. I have no reason to. But I can pick up and use her phone whenever I want and vice versa.

We trust each other completely. That's one of the cornerstones of our relationship and if we lost that the whole house would begin falling down. So there is no snooping or prying, no suspicions, with us. Yet if I went to use my wife's phone for whatever reason, and she flipped out on me? That would signal alarm bells to me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Yes to everything for us both.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


 *Except when one of the two has to have serious support for abuse and infidelity and the information in that support would cause further damage like family opinions.*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

1. *Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?*

Myself & H has had Facebook for many years, we enjoy it, he is on there more than myself.... he likes to keep tract of the kids & what friends post -picture wise.... I know all of his passwords, I helped him set up most all of his accounts..... He knows all of mine..

He also tells me his password for work -it has to be changed every couple months.. he was just telling me what it was yesterday.... I said "I'm not going to remember this".. but I love that he keeps me informed like that ...that's just the way HE IS...(and I am the same)...he gets a :rofl: out of my unique passwords.. (I only use about 3 for everything)... very easy to remember ... but would be impossible to guess..

2 *Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?*

Out of our large family.. I am the only one who carries a phone, and it's an old tracfone, it doesnt even have password protection-that I would know of...but if so...he'd know it ...we just have this for emergencies.. 

3 *Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?*

The "Unknown" or unspoken doesn't happen with us.. meaning.. we are so OPEN and forthcoming to what goes on in each others lives..that if I (or he) got a Friend request from an old friend (Male , female - teen) whatever...we generally run that past each other.. it's just common place.. he doesn't need my persmission (no rules here ) they are written on our hearts.. I TRUST his judgement and his behavior-having been with this man for 32 yrs.. and he Trusts mine as well.. so Yes.. we do allow opposite sex friends on our FB.. it's never been an issue. 

4 *Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc* 

This doesn't happen in our marriage.. when we got together, his girl friends became MY friends... my guy friends became HIS friends, we were then seen as a couple.. and when we get together with single friends, we are there together.. on a couple rare occasions I was with our single guy friend...took him to a concert once -he liked the band more than my husband -(but we brought 2 teens with us)...and once out to eat - with my Mother -but again, had kids with us.. 

Alone... we just wouldn't feel that was appropriate...it doesn't happen.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? Yes.
> 
> ...


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

I decided to test the waters with this and asked my wife if I could see her phone.

She told me no.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


1. I think my wife believes I'd give her every password if she asked and she's right. But she doesn't want to know them. 

2. Neither of our phones are password protected.

3. My wife doesn't care about my facebook but if she did then I'd give her my password. And she doesn't have a facebook account. If she had a FB account, I might be curious to see who's trolling there.

4. We don't really have any OSF but that would be a case by case type thing.


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## Sidney Jinx (Sep 8, 2014)

yes


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

finding-a-path said:


> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?
> 
> ...


1. I've told him my email password but I don't think he remembers it. I know his but don't check it.

2. Yes. We each have the same pass-code. 

3. Neither of us have Facebook. 

4. This is a grey area for me. And a timely question. A woman he previously worked with has invited him for a drink after work. She's married. He sees it as a quick one-hour catch up after work and nothing to it. I'm conflicted. We spoke about it last night. Coffee or lunch during work time, I've no problem with. Being after work and for a drink? I'm hesitant despite trusting him. I also don't think there's any untoward intention from her side... still, from what I've read on TAM and knowing the importance of boundaries, I'm unsure. 

I have expressed I'm not cool with it and suggested the 4 of us catch up for a drink (with her husband) another time or they catch up over coffee during work hours instead. His view is that it's not a big deal and I can trust him. I told him that I'm protective of our marriage. He did say that he understood my stance - yet doesn't like feeling that it wouldn't be his choice. I responded that he does have a choice. It was a calm discussion (thanks to the multiple threads I've read on here haha). He said he'll think on it. I'm not sure what the resolve will be. And I also understand how it's not a big deal to him. Stay tuned...!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Garrett said:


> I decided to test the waters with this and asked my wife if I could see her phone.
> 
> She told me no.


And what did you say?


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> 1. I've told him my email password but I don't think he remembers it. I know his but don't check it.
> 
> 2. Yes. We each have the same pass-code.
> 
> ...


Do you think you would have had an issue if you'd never been here on TAM and seen all the horror stories?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Do you think you would have had an issue if you'd never been here on TAM and seen all the horror stories?


I wondered this myself. 

Part of me still wouldn't be fully comfortable with it. Going for a drink one-on-one after work has a level of intimacy unless in a group. Granted, not that things can't happen in those scenarios too. Going for coffee during the day or out in a group doesn't hold this same connotation for me. 

Yet I also get that he sees it as a casual quick drink after work. And that she invited him. If it's not a big deal, then it's not a big deal to not go either. He asked me what my ultimate fear was if he went for a drink with her. Maybe I didn't answer directly but I told him that I felt keeping strong boundaries helped to protect and respect our marriage. Keeping perspective, she's a work colleague who he has a good rapport with. 

We left it that he was going to think on it. I'm not sure what happens if we're not on the same page. I remembered Pbear's thread about boundaries, consequences and threats. He gave me a big kiss after we spoke.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

finding-a-path;[/QUOTE said:


> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?


I don't think she knows them, but I have all passwords to everything written in a book in my home office. She knows where it is and has access to it. It's her's for the taking.



finding-a-path;[/QUOTE said:


> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?


My phone is password protected and she has the password. She has access to it any time I'm home. I have nothing to hide.



finding-a-path;[/QUOTE said:


> 3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?


*I'm not OK with it at al*l; that's just me and my boundaries. She knows it and respects my feelings on this. She is more lenient on this issue than I am and doesn't hold me to the same standard ... But I don't go out of my way friending every female I know.



finding-a-path;[/QUOTE said:


> 4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc


Again, *I'm not OK with it at al*l; that's just me and my boundaries. She has respected my feelings on this. She once made a issue of it when she wanted to correspond with an ex-BF, but I wasn't OK and was adamant that it end, so she agreed to stop it (very long story cut short). Again, she is more lenient on this issue than I am and won't hold me to the same standard ... but I don't have any female friends. Certainly I won't go to lunch or a game with another woman without my wife around.


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles? - YUP!

2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone? YUP and no!

3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook? I usually I know who they are and if I don't they are fellow military servicemen and women. Or hospital staff he works with. I trust him. I never question his friends list ^-^

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc- yea but 9 times out of 10 he will include me if I can go I will ^^

For me, i think if there is nothing to hide, partners should be able to share passwords..---exactly!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Garrett said:


> I decided to test the waters with this and asked my wife if I could see her phone.
> 
> She told me no.


You have larger issues my friend. 

BTW: Are you paying for that phone? If so, stop paying for it.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> I wondered this myself.
> 
> Part of me still wouldn't be fully comfortable with it. Going for a drink one-on-one after work has a level of intimacy unless in a group. Granted, not that things can't happen in those scenarios too. Going for coffee during the day or out in a group doesn't hold this same connotation for me.
> 
> ...


can you please post the link to Pbear's thread..?  i hope your husband won't go. You expressed your feelings so he has the choice to respect those. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> You have larger issues my friend.
> 
> BTW: Are you paying for that phone? If so, stop paying for it.


yes.he has huge issues. Everyone has been telling him to leave.i hope he does soon.or maybe he did already couldnt read his thread in last 24 hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

finding-a-path said:


> can you please post the link to Pbear's thread..?  i hope your husband won't go. You expressed your feelings so he has the choice to respect those.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes - 'Respect my authoritah!' 


Or I could respect his... depends on your stance. 

Here's the link to PBear's thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ts-vs-boundaries-hypothetical-discussion.html


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Yes - 'Respect my authoritah!'
> 
> 
> Or I could respect his... depends on your stance.
> ...


yes.it is a two way process. Either he can think 'is going out with this female worth making my wife uncomfortable?' or she can think 'i will be ok with my husband going out with this friend because i want him to be happy' it's complicated right..? Wow.i think that is a topic for a whole other thread. When 1 partner wants to do something and the other 1 dislikes it,how to come to an agreement. Hmm interesting. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

finding-a-path said:


> yes.it is a two way process. Either he can think 'is going out with this female worth making my wife uncomfortable?' or she can think 'i will be ok with my husband going out with this friend because i want him to be happy' it's complicated right..? Wow.i think that is a topic for a whole other thread. When 1 partner wants to do something and the other 1 dislikes it,how to come to an agreement. Hmm interesting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed.

Although if I were to consider an alternative way of viewing this, it would be 'I trust my husband and this doesn't need to be a big deal.' However I'd rather he go with the line of thinking of 'I respect my wife's view on this and it's not worth going for a drink and being a big deal' haha... we'll see how it plays out. I don't mean to derail the thread. 

The discussion around it was quite good though. From what I've read on those threads that end up 20 pages long about such topics lol, I approached it about protecting our relationship - rather than making it personal about him or I. A bigger picture view I guess. Anyway, we'll see.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

jaquen said:


> And what did you say?


I asked why not. She said because she has things on there that are none of my business.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Neither one of us have passwords to anything. Then again, our tablets are left open so each of us could pick it up and all conversations are right there. The thing is, we don't. Mutual respect. 

A few weeks again, I accidentally answered his phone. All of us have the same phone and color and the only distinguishing factor between the four phones is the picture. A red phone rang, I picked it up and answered it. It was his x. I hung up the phone! I apologized immediately and felt bad I invaded his privacy.

And that's what it boils down to, respect and privacy.

There are some conversations he has with his x, kids, coworkers and gamers that truely are none of my business. If and when any of it concerns me, he'll tell me about it and a conversation will ensue. If he feels that it doesn't involve me, I respect that and let it go. Same for him...


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Although if I were to consider an alternative way of viewing this, it would be 'I trust my husband and this doesn't need to be a big deal.' However I'd rather he go with the line of thinking of 'I respect my wife's view on this and it's not worth going for a drink and being a big deal' haha... we'll see how it plays out. I don't mean to derail the thread.
> 
> The discussion around it was quite good though. From what I've read on those threads that end up 20 pages long about such topics lol, I approached it about protecting our relationship - rather than making it personal about him or I. A bigger picture view I guess. Anyway, we'll see.



i think being able to have open and honest discussions about any topic is a great asset for any marriage.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> can you please post the link to Pbear's thread..?  i hope your husband won't go. You expressed your feelings so he has the choice to respect those.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I know you trust your husband, heartsbeating, but I still would find it to be inappropriate for him to go out for drinks with her alone. I felt this way about things long before TAM because I've seen too many marriages fall apart where one partner is "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex and then it slowly leads to more. It doesn't happen in an instant(takes a long time) and the boundaries in place are slowly crept over until they are far past them. 

I hope your husband takes your feelings into account and thinks of another plan to 'catch up'.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I know you trust your husband, heartsbeating, but I still would find it to be inappropriate for him to go out for drinks with her alone. I felt this way about things long before TAM because I've seen too many marriages fall apart where one partner is "just friends" with someone of the opposite sex and then it slowly leads to more. It doesn't happen in an instant(takes a long time) and the boundaries in place are slowly crept over until they are far past them.
> 
> I hope your husband takes your feelings into account and thinks of another plan to 'catch up'.


Agreed!!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Thank you 

Well, I waited for him to bring it up (instead of pushing to know what his thoughts were like I really wanted haha). He was sharing about his day, mentioned one of his mates had asked to meet for lunch tomorrow and then said _...Oh and I contacted [colleague] and arranged to catch-up next week for a bite to eat between meetings instead of going for a drink._

I asked why he decided this. 

_Because I respect your view._ 

I smiled, _I really appreciate that._

_I really appreciate you._

Then the flirting began. So that's how this scenario panned out.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

My hubby and I have no secrets whether it's his cell phone or the computer. It's what great marriages are made of.

I can pick up his cell phone and browse his calls in addition to his texts. He can do the same with mine.

He can browse my emails and I can browse his. Not that I would want to..he has thousands..lol.

Without trust, there is no marriage.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Would my hubby have lunch with another female? Nope. 
Woud I have luch with another male? Nope
Do I know who's on my hubby's friend list both male and female?
Yep. But if there was someone I didn't know..he'd tell me anyway. I trust him.
Does he know who's on my friend list both male and female? Probably not because he doesn't care..he trusts me. If he wanted to know..he's free to look..he has my password...


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Thank you
> 
> Well, I waited for him to bring it up (instead of pushing to know what his thoughts were like I really wanted haha). He was sharing about his day, mentioned one of his mates had asked to meet for lunch tomorrow and then said _...Oh and I contacted [colleague] and arranged to catch-up next week for a bite to eat between meetings instead of going for a drink._
> 
> ...


great


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

memyselfandi said:


> Without trust, there is no marriage.


I guess even if I wanted to try to work thru my wife's abusive qualities and believe that she would treat me right, without trust, it doesn't matter.

After hre refusal to let me ser her phone and her emotional affair, I just cannot trust my wife anymore.

Sorry, didn't want to derail this. Just thought thatmemyselfandi brought up a good point that wasn't sinking into my head.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Garrett said:


> I guess even if I wanted to try to work thru my wife's abusive qualities and believe that she would treat me right, without trust, it doesn't matter.
> 
> After hre refusal to let me ser her phone and her emotional affair, I just cannot trust my wife anymore.
> 
> Sorry, didn't want to derail this. Just thought thatmemyselfandi brought up a good point that wasn't sinking into my head.


i guess refusing means there is something to hide. and that is not the stuff she is talking with her mother.


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## Vivid (Aug 28, 2014)

My husband knows all my passwords and I know his. We don't check on each other though.

Opposite sex friends don't come up all that often. But lunch/coffee would always be fine. Not sure about nights out with alcohol involved though.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


----------



## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

Breeze,
Loved your "that's my spot" comment.

Also, your avatar pic is rockin! I nearly named my daughter Kyra after the female gelfling in the Dark Crystal.

FIZGIG!!!!


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

i want to add something. Would you be ok if your husband likes and comments on photos of random women on fb? Not actresses or singers. Unknown random women. / would you be ok if your wife likes and comments on photos of random men on fb? Not actors or singers etc. Random men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> My wife hides a ton of stuff. I cared for a while. I don't now.



???


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Garrett said:


> I asked and got told that it was none of my business and that I am being a controlling husband.
> 
> Now what?



Go secret with yours and then see how she reacts ? 

If she demands yours, then demand hers. If she doesn't, then at least there is consistency. People should always be willing to live by their own rules or practices that they establish for the other. JMO

That's what I would do


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> 
> ...


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Not the exact password but she knows the unlock sequence on my phone.
Also we share our locations so we know where we are at all times.
Not for trust issues but simple convenience.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> Go secret with yours and then see how she reacts ?
> 
> If she demands yours, then demand hers. If she doesn't, then at least there is consistency. People should always be willing to live by their own rules or practices that they establish for the other. JMO
> 
> That's what I would do


This will not work. She doesn't care who I talk to and would never ask for my phone or passwords. 

She just has no interest in that sort of thing at all. She never has!


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Garrett said:


> This will not work. She doesn't care who I talk to and would never ask for my phone or passwords.
> 
> She just has no interest in that sort of thing at all. She never has!


no interest at all? that most probably means she does not care about losing you.i am sorry..


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> no interest at all? that most probably means she does not care about losing you.i am sorry..


Or (to play devil's advocate) she completely trusts me?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I don't password protect my phone, he has ALL online passwords (and I his and he doesn't password protect his phone) tablets all have the same password we both know (keeps the kids off) and none of the computers have passwords.

I'm not okay with other female friends on his media I don't know, not OK with female friends we aren't both friends with. He lost that privilege when he cheated a few years ago.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords?*



justaguy123 said:


> I agree with her.
> 
> Get over it.
> 
> ...


Mine must be stupid then, he did do it on his accounts and didn't and hasn't changed his passwords since the day he opened them. I beg to differ.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

I know this is in my current thread found here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/218874-just-got-real.html 

But I want it here too in case there are those that are reading the forums, but not my thread.

As I stated when I first saw this thread, I asked my wife if she would give me her phone and password.

She said no way!

The next day, she offered to give me the phone and passwords, but we all know that she would have had the chance to delete anything incrementing by that point. She said that "letting me see her phone goes against everything she believes in and she will hate me for it."

Enter Today, 

I asked her for her phone and password again, and this is what happened:

She came home from getting her nails and hair done and I asked her,

Will you give me the password and your phone now?

She said, "Yes, but why do you need it?"

I said, "I want to see if you will give it to me. You refused last time."

We went back and forth a bit, yada yada yada.

Finally she gave it to me but was right over my shoulder, yelling in my face the entire time:

"Why do you need to go thru my phone? What are you looking for? What is wrong with you? We are done after this?"


As I started to go thru more and more older texts, I could hear her anger grow. Her insults got more severe!

She was getting extremely abusive and loud and was RIGHT in my face the entire time.

I don't know if this was a ***** move or not, but I felt it better to hand her back the phone and diffuse the situation because I felt this may escalate.

"We're done", she said. "Pack your stuff."

I didn't find anything, but she has had days and days to delete any incrementing evidence of cheating.

I didn't really have a chance to go thru everything as she was YELLING, not softly, but YELLING in my ear the entire time I was trying to go thru it. It was difficult to even read anything because I was so distracted and scared.

What do I make of that?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Tell her to pack her damn bags.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

CantePe said:


> Tell her to pack her damn bags.


She already told ME to do that, lol. This is her mother's house. She isn't going anywhere!


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Then set up to leave. Make your exit plan, call her bluff.


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## Garrett (Sep 6, 2014)

CantePe said:


> Then set up to leave. Make your exit plan, call her bluff.


That's happening tomorrow while she is at an amusement park with her friends. I have had my stuff packed for a month now. I have just been given excuses on why I shouldn't leave by my wife, and I bought them all.

Not tomorrow.....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> i want to add something. Would you be ok if your husband likes and comments on photos of random women on fb? Not actresses or singers. Unknown random women. / would you be ok if your wife likes and comments on photos of random men on fb? Not actors or singers etc. Random men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



On Facebook? That just sounds skeevy and pathetic. And how would you even do that unless you're FB stalking friends of friends who happen to have a profile that isn't private?


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

jaquen said:


> On Facebook? That just sounds skeevy and pathetic. And how would you even do that unless you're FB stalking friends of friends who happen to have a profile that isn't private?


yes. on facebook... adding random unknown women, then liking their photos,commenting on them....


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Nope not okay with that either.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

CantePe said:


> Nope not okay with that either.


i am not ok with it. We had boundaries about that. Now,since he left home on aug 13th,he is doing it.and he says i controlled him by not letting him do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

finding-a-path said:


> i am not ok with it. We had boundaries about that. Now,since he left home on aug 13th,he is doing it.and he says i controlled him by not letting him do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, he's right in a way. You did attempt to control him by "not letting him do that". I don't *stop* my husband from adding random women to his facebook. I've never even had to ask him not to, he simply doesn't do it. I believe that when you are with someone who truly loves and respects you, they understand these sorts of boundaries in a relationship without feeling controlled by them. They instead welcome these boundaries because they have the same boundaries too, and appreciate that this doesn't need to be spelled out for their partner.

If there is a need to 'control' a partner to stick to these boundaries, then the question must be asked, 'am I with the right person?'.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

breeze said:


> Well, he's right in a way. You did attempt to control him by "not letting him do that". I don't *stop* my husband from adding random women to his facebook. I've never even had to ask him not to, he simply doesn't do it. I believe that when you are with someone who truly loves and respects you, they understand these sorts of boundaries in a relationship without feeling controlled by them. They instead welcome these boundaries because they have the same boundaries too, and appreciate that this doesn't need to be spelled out for their partner.
> 
> If there is a need to 'control' a partner to stick to these boundaries, then the question must be asked, 'am I with the right person?'.


your husband must be a very devoted person with strong boundaries... and you are lucky.

i am not so lucky. we talked about and agreed on these things.now he says he should be able to add women, chat, comment on photos, like photos of those random women....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am hopeless with remembering pswds as I already have too many of my own. He has given me his laptop and phone pswds so I can make calls etc in the past. TBH it is a PITA and I would rather use my own phone instead of having to ask him what his pswd is AGAIN because I have forgotten it AGAIN.

He works for a very large multi national and has business lunches a couple of days a week. He has female co workers and friends. I do not stress about him or his ability to stay within the boundaries we both agree on.

Same as breeze, I don't ask him to not do certain behavious because he simply doesn't do them anyway. It is simple here "respect me, yourself and our relationship, nothing less is tolerated."

Adding randoms and liking their photos on FB would never be done or accepted in our relationship. OP he doesn't respect you, himself or your relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

finding-a-path said:


> your husband must be a very devoted person with strong boundaries... and you are lucky.
> 
> i am not so lucky. we talked about and agreed on these things.now he says he should be able to add women, chat, comment on photos, like photos of those random women....


He is a great person, but I wouldn't have bothered with anyone less. I'd rather be single than settle for a miserable marriage. We've had our fair share of issues, but one thing we don't have an issue with is honesty. 

That's where I see most of your issues stemming from. Your husband is dishonest. He was dishonest when he made false promises, he was dishonest when he broke them.

If you ever move on to find someone else, make sure they have this one incredibly important quality; honesty.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

finding-a-path said:


> hi..
> 
> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?


As for my ex, no. I like my privacy thank you, though I didn't 'change screen' or anything like that whenever she walked past, I had nothing to hide but she just never had my passwords.



> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?


Yes, as for phones we always had access.



> 3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?


She never did, she always introduced me first and if I didn't like him he's not within our family social circle. I did the same for her with any female friend of mine she had a problem with, which ended up being alot (in fact her social circle replaced mine at one time)



> 4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc


Sure as I knew all of them and I could get rid of them at anytime. Come to think of it, ex and I had a good system in terms of this, but it worked for us, may not work for you.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Holland said:


> I am hopeless with remembering pswds as I already have too many of my own. He has given me his laptop and phone pswds so I can make calls etc in the past. TBH it is a PITA and I would rather use my own phone instead of having to ask him what his pswd is AGAIN because I have forgotten it AGAIN.
> 
> He works for a very large multi national and has business lunches a couple of days a week. He has female co workers and friends. I do not stress about him or his ability to stay within the boundaries we both agree on.
> 
> ...



true....


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
no, I don't have facebook and my wife shouldn't be accessing my trading accounts anyway. 

2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?

She does have access to my phone. There isn't anything I care about.

3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?
I don't really care. 

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? -not work mates, close friends with whom they go out to lunch/to a game etc
no I am not. There is always one friend swinging their parts around trying to get their attention. No hanging out with the opposite sex.

Sharing passwords tells me you're a control freak. Gotta know what the spouse is doing every single second, know whate every little thing they are into.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

wanttofix said:


> 1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?
> no, I don't have facebook and my wife shouldn't be accessing my trading accounts anyway.
> good to hear about a man not obsessed with fb
> 2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?
> ...


can't agree on the last point.. for me sharing shows they have nothing to hide


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

breeze said:


> I'd rather be single than settle for a miserable marriage.


Makes all the difference, doesn't it? A constantly miserable marriage full of trust issues and festering emotional wounds isn't even worth being married.


It helps when you're a person who isn't deathly afraid of being single.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

1. Yes, we have each other passwords, but don't abuse the privilege. As someone said, there are still things that we don't need to know if it doesn't impact the M. As for that, I don't intrude on his convos with his mother, sister, male friends, as I know the phone numbers really belongs to them. He asked to see my phone once or twice, just to make sure I ended an OSF friendship that he didn't like- which I did. Other than that, we trust each other.

2. FB I don't have. He does. Unknown woman may be from work or a friend's wife or so. As long as I can see, it's ok.

3. Friends of opposite sex, not ok for me, and although he tries to hide it not to look insecure, he frowns when I get them. So I just don't, as a consideration that I also expect. If the OSF is old or really unattractive, that's fine by me, otherwise I don't believe in "just friends". The going out happens in groups, or double dates, and that's a rule.

If they won't give you the codes when asked for, there is always because of something to hide, at the very least an EA.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

When I was married I had access to none of this and never thought I had the need, was part of that blind trust thing. Were I to ever marry again I would defiantly insist on all passwords being open period. I don't know how often I would actually check but I would need the option to on a moments notice.


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## ThoughtsUnknown (Sep 22, 2014)

1 Does your spouse know your facebook,email and other passwords of online profiles?

We share a FB account so yes. All of our accounts credit cards, phone, e-mail, we have access to one another's. 

She has a twitter account and Instagram account and I can probably ask her for the PW if I wanted, but haven't felt the need.


2 Does your spouse has access to your phone or have you password protected the phone?

My phone is not password protected, her phone is and I know the access code.

3 Are you ok with your husband adding unknown females on Facebook/your wife adding unknown males on Facebook?

Yes. That's weird. It's our joint account and I don't even add people I know if they ask me to invite as I only trust a small group of friends to begin with.

4 Are you ok with your spouse having opposite sex friends? 

Depends on the friend. Most of her friends I am very close to as well and don't mind them, but there are a few annoying ones she still keeps in contact with which is her choice.


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