# Unsatisfied



## HOTSAUCE007 (24 h ago)

My husband is continually surprised that I don’t feel like having sex very often, despite the fact that he does nothing to turn me on. I love sex but it’s a damn bore with him. I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg. I give him nearly anything he wants (without being too graphic). I have no problem pleasing him. But he never wants to engage in foreplay, or turn me on. He expects me to just be ready to go because he wants it. Morning, noon, or night. He also get very mean if I express my needs or “reject” him. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so bad. I just end up giving into him and making his climax as soon as fast as I can so it’s over with. I don’t even know if I have a question or if I just needed to vent. I’ve literally told him how I feel and he gets offended. I don’t think there is anything I can do differently except not having sex with him. But that’s not right either. Ugh.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> My husband is continually surprised that I don’t feel like having sex very often, despite the fact that he does nothing to turn me on. I love sex but it’s a damn bore with him. I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg. I give him nearly anything he wants (without being too graphic). I have no problem pleasing him. But he never wants to engage in foreplay, or turn me on. He expects me to just be ready to go because he wants it. Morning, noon, or night. He also get very mean if I express my needs or “reject” him. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so bad. I just end up giving into him and making his climax as soon as fast as I can so it’s over with. I don’t even know if I have a question or if I just needed to vent. I’ve literally told him how I feel and he gets offended. I don’t think there is anything I can do differently except not having sex with him. But that’s not right either. Ugh.



Divorce. Leave.
Find someone that you're compatible with and who respects you, and treats you well.


Learn how to respect and love yourself.

Firstly be the person that treats yourself with love, respect, and kindness.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Dormatte said:


> Divorce. Leave.
> Find someone that you're compatible with and who respects you, and treats you well.
> 
> 
> ...


I've been with some very kind, loving, respectful women that were absolute trash in bed and unwilling to do anything that wasn't vanilla. Kind and terrible lover aren't mutually exclusive.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> My husband is continually surprised that I don’t feel like having sex very often, despite the fact that he does nothing to turn me on. I love sex but it’s a damn bore with him. I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg. I give him nearly anything he wants (without being too graphic). I have no problem pleasing him. But he never wants to engage in foreplay, or turn me on. He expects me to just be ready to go because he wants it. Morning, noon, or night. He also get very mean if I express my needs or “reject” him. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so bad. I just end up giving into him and making his climax as soon as fast as I can so it’s over with. I don’t even know if I have a question or if I just needed to vent. I’ve literally told him how I feel and he gets offended. I don’t think there is anything I can do differently except not having sex with him. But that’s not right either. Ugh.


Sounds like to me you have become bored in the relationship and you`re seeking more excitement and adventure, especially in the bedroom department.
This has the hallmarks of a bored wife who may try and find solace outside the marriage, because this is how it starts. Then if cheated or cheating the women place blame on the men claiming they didn`t do this or didn`t do that or were not treating them right.
I suggest marriage counseling before your marriage goes into stagnation completely.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> I love sex but it’s a damn bore with him. I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg.





HOTSAUCE007 said:


> He also get very mean if I express my needs or “reject” him. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so bad.


This sounds like your husband is abusive and self-centered. He wants what he wants without consideration for you.

How long have you been married? Were things ever better/different? If things have degraded, what else has changed?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You are sexually incompatible. If this really bothers you, you know what to do.


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## HOTSAUCE007 (24 h ago)

Rus47 said:


> This sounds like your husband is abusive and self-centered. He wants what he wants without consideration for you.
> 
> How long have you been married? Were things ever better/different? If things have degraded, what else has changed?


18 yrs. And things were better. He used to love to make me climax. Seduce me all day and we had great sex.
He’s lazy about it now and thinks that because he’s horny I should be horny too. I have no issue getting turned on but he doesn’t want to put in the effort anymore to turn me on.I


gameopoly5 said:


> Sounds like to me you have become bored in the relationship and you`re seeking more excitement and adventure, especially in the bedroom department.
> This has the hallmarks of a bored wife who may try and find solace outside the marriage, because this is how it starts. Then if cheated or cheating the women place blame on the men claiming they didn`t do this or didn`t do that or were not treating them right.
> I suggest marriage counseling before your marriage goes into stagnation completely.


 I am not looking to cheat nor would I cheat.


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## HOTSAUCE007 (24 h ago)

I think I am more bothered by how he treats me if I tell him that “no I’m not horny and ready to go right this second” I usually just end up having sex or doing something else to please him so that he doesn’t throw a fit about it later

I have no issues initiating sex and seducing him (it’s pretty easy to do). And when I do initiate sex it’s great and I make sure to ease into it with foreplay for us both. 

I do not want to divorce. I love him very much. We are best friends and are very compatible. I’m going to try to talk to him again. I can’t believe how quick folks are to say “divorce”. 😞


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry for this "odd" situation you are in.

I say odd because your husband is very much interested in sex, yet is "lately" being selfish about it.

Ask yourself why?

Is he acting out of resentment?

Is he inwardly angry at you and punishing you by ignoring your intimacy needs?

Is he so angry, that he "takes" you, and "has" you, rather then make love to you?

Again, ask yourself why?

I am not accusing you (or him) of anything, yet,

Something has caused this behavior in him.
From your own words, he did not used to be this way during lovemaking, now he is.

Why?

......................................................

You need to be honest and introspective to find out what caused this behavior in him from your end.
He is being a cad, by the way.

I say this ONLY because you want things to work out between the two of you.

Your husband needs individual counseling to figure out why he is withholding four, five, and six play.

....................................................

I love your Avatar, such a appropriate icon from a (self admitted) amorous lady.
Dangling the goodies in front of your husband!
Good for you!


_The Typist-_


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> I do not want to divorce. I love him very much. We are best friends and are very compatible. I’m going to try to talk to him again. I can’t believe how quick folks are to say “divorce”. 😞


Your first post was very negative, showing your husband in a very bad light. We can only go by the info the poster gives us.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> I’ve literally told him how I feel and he gets offended.


Honestly, your husband sounds a lot like me. Unfortunately. I don't have much advice for you except to keep telling him how you feel. That's what my wife did, over and over until it finally sunk into my thick skull. You will not be able to change your husband just like my wife couldn't change me. I had to change myself and it only came after she kept giving me the same message. So I did a lot of reading and was encouraged by the results that I received so I kept at it. I can say that something that I learned has been discussed here on this forum. Men were complaining about their wives not responding to requests for sex when someone, I don't remember who, said, "I don't ask my wife for sex. I seduce her." If more men did that, there would be a lot less marriage issues about sex.

Don't give up. Men in general are thick headed and women are complicated and the combination of the two does not make for a completely compatible sex life. Unfortunately, sometimes we get too comfortable in our marriages and don't put in the work that we needs to be done. We get lazy and start to take each other for granted. Women need to continue to be their husband's girlfriend and husbands need to serve, protect and make sure their wives feel secure and cared for. Not always easy, but worth it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> 18 yrs. And things were better.* He used to love to make me climax. Seduce me all day and we had great sex*.
> He’s lazy about it now and thinks that because he’s horny I should be horny too. I have no issue getting turned on but he doesn’t want to put in the effort anymore to turn me on.I


So when did things change? What was going on when they changed? He is shooting himself in the foot, why would he do that? It is almost like he has some unresolved anger or resentment. Most men get as much enjoyment out of pushing their wife over the edge as climaxing themselves. We get a real ego boost out of our wives being in ecstasy because of our actions. So something caused him to change. Do you know what it was?



HOTSAUCE007 said:


> *I have no issues initiating sex* and seducing him (it’s pretty easy to do). *And when I do initiate sex it’s grea*t and I make sure to ease into it with foreplay for us both.


Ok, so when YOU initiate, things proceed to both of your satisfaction? So you REAL problem is that he doesn't initiate properly. Rather like other men on here complaining their wives don't initiate. Their sex life is robust and plentiful, but because their wives don't initiate they aren't happy.

So if THAT is the problem, and he knows HOW to initiate, how to bring you along with foreplay, knows WHAT brings you to a climax, then WHY is he not using his skills and knowledge to bring you pleasure? It almost sounds like he is intentionally attending to his own needs while ignoring yours. I mean every man in the world knows that we must romance a woman. They aren't ready to romp as quickly as we are. It is just biology. So we all know to build the passion, over the day, and use foreplay to progress. Rule of thumb in my own head is foreplay lasts at least half of our total encounter, so for an hour spent together, foreplay is 30-45 minutes. 

The problem is your husband knows what he needs to do but for some reason refuses to do it. Do the two of you need some marriage counseling to dig up what the actual issue is between you? I am betting the sexual laziness is a symptom of something deeper.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> "I don't ask my wife for sex. I seduce her."


That has been me forever. But ALL men know this! If they have paid any attention at all. If they have any experience with a woman ever. There is a successful way to have robust intimacy with a wife , and "asking" ain't it. Seduction has been the way since the world began. An average man who never learned flirting/seduction probably didn't have much success with girls,


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> I do not want to divorce. I love him very much. We are best friends and are very compatible. I’m going to try to talk to him again. I can’t believe how quick folks are to say “divorce”. 😞


"Divorce" is one of the default suggestions here. Gets used all the time. Don't take it personally as we all have heard it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may be willing to change but he may not. If he isn’t, are you willing to live this way forever because that’s what you're looking at if he’s not willing to work on this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> My husband is continually surprised that I don’t feel like having sex very often, despite the fact that he does nothing to turn me on. I love sex but it’s a damn bore with him. I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg. I give him nearly anything he wants (without being too graphic). I have no problem pleasing him. But he never wants to engage in foreplay, or turn me on. He expects me to just be ready to go because he wants it. Morning, noon, or night. He also get very mean if I express my needs or “reject” him. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so bad. I just end up giving into him and making his climax as soon as fast as I can so it’s over with. I don’t even know if I have a question or if I just needed to vent. I’ve literally told him how I feel and he gets offended. I don’t think there is anything I can do differently except not having sex with him. But that’s not right either. Ugh.


If your relationship is generally functional and you are not physically repulsed by him, this is something that sex therapy can help. 

Both of you need to understand how responsive desire works and he especially needs to understand the difference between responsive desire (which applies to most women in long term relationships ) and spontaneous desire (which is what most men have,)

He needs to understand that a normal woman in a long term monogamous relationship is not going to be horny while she's goes about her daily business like a guy will be. Her desire has to be booted up like a boiler has to be fired up and brought up to temperature from a cold start. 

The longer a guy goes without sex, the hornier he gets. 

For many women its the opposite and her libido and desire will become more dormant.

He not only needs to understand those differences between the boys and girls, but he also needs to learn how to actually apply that information into nuts and bolts actions and behaviors. He needs to relearn how to seduce, engage, arouse and stimulate you before you are actually aroused and engaged. 

You sound like you are actually game and open to the idea of having a sex life with home so that is a very positive sign. 

He needs to learn how you actually operate and how to get you from a cold, baseline state to where you are an engaged, aroused and enthusiastic participant. 

If listening to some Dr Psych Mom podcasts cannot get through to him, then some professional sex therapy can help (assuming he has the wherewithal to follow the therapist's advice)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> I think I am more bothered by how he treats me if I tell him that “no I’m not horny and ready to go right this second” I usually just end up having sex or doing something else to please him so that he doesn’t throw a fit about it later
> 
> I have no issues initiating sex and seducing him (it’s pretty easy to do). And when I do initiate sex it’s great and I make sure to ease into it with foreplay for us both.
> 
> I do not want to divorce. I love him very much. We are best friends and are very compatible. I’m going to try to talk to him again. I can’t believe how quick folks are to say “divorce”. 😞


Now the catch here is you may have to blow something up to get him to put forth any effort to change his ways and you may need to blow something up and take hostages to get him to negotiate about getting into therapy. 

Right now he is still getting the sex without the effort to engage and please you. 

What it boils down to is all you are doing right now is whining and complaining. It's not costing him anything and it's easy for men to kind of become tone deaf to women's complaints because many men hear about 47,621 different complaints about various things from the dishwasher not cleaning out the edges of the casserole dish to the cat hacking up a fur ball in the middle of the living room to a coworker complaining endlessly about her nails breaking to the car making a funny noise when it makes a left hand turn etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc .... I can go on but you get my point. 

As men we have to learn to filter what is a priority item that needs our immediate attention vs someone just venting their frustration and expressing their feelings. 

And also as men, we expect at least a certain degree of resistance sexually because that is part of the mating dance. 

So the fact that you do tell him you need more seduction and foreplay etc is totally negated when you actually do have sex. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. So when you say that you need more of this, but you still supply that, to him it's all good and whatever he is doing now is working. 

If the the current sexual status quo is an actual problem for you, you're going to have to rock the boat and not try to appease him to shut him up. Let him be upset. Let him be frustrated. 

I know this sounds like sexual manipulation and there are going to be some guys jumping up and down yelling at me but hear me out. 

If he comes up out the blue and says lets have sex right now, and you are at cold baseline - Tell him you just can't service him at the drop of a hat and that without any seduction and warm up and foreplay etc it is an actual turn off and makes you want to have sex with him even LESS. 

Then if he gets nasty and pouty and whiney, you say, "Honey, I love you and I know this must be frustrating for you, but it is frustrating and a turn off for me when you want to have sex at the drop of a hat without any kind of warm up or personal connection first. We need to find a way that we can bridge our sexual responses so that it is a fulfilling experience for both of us. "

From there you can direct him to learn more about spontaneous desire (SD) vs Responsive Desire (RD) and learn how to bridge that gap between his SD and your RD and that that might require meeting with a sex therapist. 

Cont.....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

But what is really important here and what will be critical to get him to understand is that if you keep appeasing him at your own pleasure's expense, you will become sex-adverse and you will become one of these women that simply cannot bear to touch their husbands anymore and you will lose all attraction and desire for him. 

It takes work and acumen to stimulate a woman's desire. But it's real easy and just takes one bad move to destroy it. 

He needs to understand the gravity of the situation here. 

And to get him to understand the gravity, you are probably going to have to rock the boat and make some serious waves.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg.


This is where I get lost with men. Guys say "we're simple". They say "you have to tell me what you want". And we do. We tell. We ask. Then we beg. And they wonder why we're not fulfilled. And we're the complicated ones.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HOTSAUCE007 said:


> My husband is continually surprised that I don’t feel like having sex very often, despite the fact that he does nothing to turn me on. I love sex but it’s a damn bore with him. I tell him what I want. I ask. I beg. I give him nearly anything he wants (without being too graphic). I have no problem pleasing him. But he never wants to engage in foreplay, or turn me on. He expects me to just be ready to go because he wants it. Morning, noon, or night. He also get very mean if I express my needs or “reject” him. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so bad. I just end up giving into him and making his climax as soon as fast as I can so it’s over with. I don’t even know if I have a question or if I just needed to vent. I’ve literally told him how I feel and he gets offended. I don’t think there is anything I can do differently except not having sex with him. But that’s not right either. Ugh.


Look I don't know what you're asking him to do and if it's anything he's just repelled by then I don't blame him for saying no. You might want to at least get a little more specific but not graphic. Meanwhile if I were you I would get a vibrator and I wouldn't have one way sex with him if you feel he's just being lazy and a jerk and just want you to service him. If he doesn't like some of the sex things you ask for, that's fine, but he needs to speak up like a man and tell you if something makes him sick.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Look I don't know what you're asking him to do and if it's anything he's just repelled by then I don't blame him for saying no. You might want to at least get a little more specific but not graphic. Meanwhile if I were you I would get a vibrator and I wouldn't have one way sex with him if you feel he's just being lazy and a jerk and just want you to service him. If he doesn't like some of the sex things you ask for, that's fine, but he needs to speak up like a man and tell you if something makes him sick.


The thing is she said everything was wonderful for at least the beginning of their 18 years. So he knows what she needs and wants, had no problem delivering very well at least early on. Recently he has become lazy and expects her to rise to the occasion as quickly as he does. I suspect he is p1st at her about something and isn't pleasing her because he doesn't want to please her.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Jimmysgirl said:


> This is where I get lost with men. Guys say "we're simple". They say "you have to tell me what you want". And we do. We tell. We ask. Then we beg. And they wonder why we're not fulfilled. And we're the complicated ones.


Lol. My wife has never once requested anything sexually (except maybe to decline a specific act I was interested in). On the other hand, I’ve asked her multiple times what she would like new/different/anything and I only ever get “everything’s fine”.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> Lol. My wife has never once requested anything sexually (except maybe to decline a specific act I was interested in). On the other hand, I’ve asked her multiple times what she would like new/different/anything and I only ever get “everything’s fine”.


Still, there is another thread by a wife on here complaining that her husband doesn't give her any warmup. Wham bam thank-you mam is his style. She has asked him, told him, begged him with result he gets angry at her. I suspect the scenario described by @Jimmysgirl is pretty common. @oldshirt wrote about how men zone out and filter complaints because they are inundated with them about everything.

Another thing, is if my wife tells me "everything is fine" regarding anything, it means I need to pry out her real thoughts. especially if the tone of her voice or body language shows "everything ISN'T fine". If I probe for awhile, the real issues will surface.


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