# After your divorce, when did you feel emotionally ready to start dating again?



## dennisg1

Hi,

I was just wondering, after your divorce when did you feel emotionally ready to start dating again? Did you start dating right away or did you wait before getting back out there again?

Thank you!


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## oldshirt

I'm not divorced so I can't give any first hand accounts, but just to give you fair warning that you will get a wide spectrum of responsive. 

Some people's marriages deteriorated so long ago that they were out dating and even buying houses and moving in and starting new families before the divorce was complete, and some people who waited many years before they started dipping their toe in the dating waters and there are a number of people who never had any interest in ever dating again. And there will be a full spectrum distribution of everything in between. 

Each individual has his/her own temperament and their own comfort zone with dating again.


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## Wolf1974

Kinda a loaded question

When did I “feel”ready. Almost immediately after the divorce paperwork was signed

When was I “actually” ready. About 3years. I would have cut that time down had I been honest with myself about the pain I was in.


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## arbitrator

*There are still times that I feel emotionally unready to proceed because I feel that I have issues regarding trust, that anyone who I would ever allow to get close to me, would also come to cheat, just as the other wives did!

But there are other times, that I feel ready to move on!

So, in essence, I really don’t know where I stand!*


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## Bibi1031

If you are like me and most others, it is when you are physically ready to allow someone new into your life. I was no where emotionally ready though. Most of us are not emotionally ready to move on, but physical needs are importsnt too. 

Most of the time we were physically starved so to speak that we are ready to feel that closeness with another human being. 

To emotionally connect and disconnect takes naturally much longer. Its your journey and your time frame may differ from others.


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## Robbie1234

dennisg1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I was just wondering, after your divorce when did you feel emotionally ready to start dating again? Did you start dating right away or did you wait before getting back out there again?
> 
> Thank you!


It took me about a year before I even started going out with any intention of meeting another woman. I'm glad I didn't rush into it because I found a great lady eventually.


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## Red Sonja

dennisg1 said:


> I was just wondering, after your divorce when did you feel emotionally ready to start dating again? Did you start dating right away or did you wait before getting back out there again?


For me it took 2.5 years to even start thinking about dating and 3 years until I actually dated. I knew that I had to experience and resolve the pain I was in before inflicting it on someone else.

YMMV


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## Diana7

For me it was 4 years before I was emotionally ready to date again. 2 more years till I met my now husband. Even then I still had baggage.

Jim Smoke is a man who has counselled countless divorcing and divorced people. He started up the divorce recovery workshops. He recommends 2 to 3 years after the divorce is completed before dating again, and said that in his experience those who jump too soon into another relationship rarely come off well. Most early relationships don't last because they are usually started to fill a hole. 
There is nothing more unappealing to me than a man who is still bitter and resentful towards his ex wife.


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## Satya

2.5 years before I attempted dating again.


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## sotroy48

hello house


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## bkyln309

I was ready the minute the divorce papers were signed. Honestly, I had been alone so long in my marriage (we didnt even share the same floor of the house for years) that I was ready to meet someone when I finally decided to divorce. I went through counseling while still married and processed all the emotional stuff before I was brave enough to file. By the time it was said and done, it was just a legal formality.

I met someone two months after my divorce was final. Have been dating them 3 years in March. I will say I dont see this relationship becoming another marriage but it is a good relationship o overall.


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## dennisg1

Thanks for the replies!

Yeah, we are still going through the divorce process but I don't feel like I'm ready to be seeing anyone anytime soon; definitely want some alone / me time. 

We've been together for 10 years (5 married), and the part that crushes me is that she is still continuing to see the guy she had a year long affair with. I don't understand how she could be ready to get involved with someone else already when our divorce hasn't even been finalized yet. It just makes me feel all her bullsh*t "I love yous" and "I never want to hurt you" meant nothing. We were together for a while, and I don't know how she could be ready to be seeing anyone at this time.


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## MJJEAN

Diana7 said:


> Jim Smoke is a man who has counselled countless divorcing and divorced people. He started up the divorce recovery workshops. *He recommends 2 to 3 years after the divorce is completed before dating again,* and said that in his experience those who jump too soon into another relationship rarely come off well. Most early relationships don't last because they are usually started to fill a hole.
> There is nothing more unappealing to me than a man who is still bitter and resentful towards his ex wife.


Regarding the bolded, I think this really depends on a host of factors, but a specific one that seems to come up often is fertility. Women's fertility is finite. Many women don't have the time to wait 2-3 years after their divorce is finalized if they want to meet a mate, remarry, and have a baby or two. 

Most folks I know started dating casually during the separation period and then got more serious about dating after the divorce became final. YMMV.


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## Ynot

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> Yeah, we are still going through the divorce process but I don't feel like I'm ready to be seeing anyone anytime soon; definitely want some alone / me time.
> 
> We've been together for 10 years (5 married), and the part that crushes me is that she is still continuing to see the guy she had a year long affair with. I don't understand how she could be ready to get involved with someone else already when our divorce hasn't even been finalized yet. It just makes me feel all her bullsh*t "I love yous" and "I never want to hurt you" meant nothing. We were together for a while, and I don't know how she could be ready to be seeing anyone at this time.


Dude, it isn't that she is ready to get involved with someone else, it is that she was already involved with someone else. Don't allow her to set your timeline, it is just another way you allow your ex to control you. Date when you are ready, in the meantime, focus on your self and become the best you that you can imagine. Before long you will find that are tons of good women who will be attracted to you simply because you are you.

As for myself, I didn't follow the advice I just gave. I started dating almost immediately. The first date I went on was less than 2 weeks after my divorce. Looking back I feel so bad for her. We went out to dinner and a movie. Every time I turned to look at her I was surprised because it was not my wife, but someone else. Over time my false confidence wore out. By the end of the date I had nearly completely collapsed. I dropped her off and pulled around the corner and cried for a good hour. I was soooooooo not ready. But I did it to prove my ex wrong.

So don't use another to prove your ex was wrong. You will see that life is a long game and not a short one. Play it that way and you will eventually be the winner in life


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## MJJEAN

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> Yeah, we are still going through the divorce process but I don't feel like I'm ready to be seeing anyone anytime soon; definitely want some alone / me time.
> 
> We've been together for 10 years (5 married), and the part that crushes me is that she is still continuing to see the guy she had a year long affair with. I don't understand how she could be ready to get involved with someone else already when our divorce hasn't even been finalized yet. It just makes me feel all her bullsh*t "I love yous" and "I never want to hurt you" meant nothing. We were together for a while, and I don't know how she could be ready to be seeing anyone at this time.


Gently... there is no question of your wife being "ready to get involved when the divorce isn't final yet". She was already involved long before the divorce was even filed.


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## Ynot

I would like to add, all the arbitrary time lines - 2-3 year, 1 month for each year of marriage, etc. are just that - arbitrary. They are guidelines, but they are not set in stone. So if you feel like it sooner, great, if you don't feel like then, great! To me one of the biggest obstacles to recovery is when we attempt to live up to guidelines instead of listening to our inner selves. Another obstacle is when people choose to do and then magically think that after 3 years, they will find their "soulmate" on the first go around. 
When you start to feel the need for human interaction, go for it. You will make mistakes. You will have rebound relationships, some will fail miserably, other will end more amiably. But as long as you learn something from each one all is good. Dating is a process, it is a series of experiments, a means of testing what you want, and what the other offers. Do not date to get married, do not date to have a LTR. While those may be your ultimate goal, you will seldom get there waiting for that one special person to stumble into your daily life, you must go out and seek them out. That is the purpose of dating. 
I think it is unfair when people place the expectations of marriage or a LTR on someone they don't even know. THAT is what leads to horrible endings.


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## dennisg1

Ynot said:


> Dude, it isn't that she is ready to get involved with someone else, it is that she was already involved with someone else. Don't allow her to set your timeline, it is just another way you allow your ex to control you. Date when you are ready, in the meantime, focus on your self and become the best you that you can imagine. Before long you will find that are tons of good women who will be attracted to you simply because you are you.
> 
> As for myself, I didn't follow the advice I just gave. I started dating almost immediately. The first date I went on was less than 2 weeks after my divorce. Looking back I feel so bad for her. We went out to dinner and a movie. Every time I turned to look at her I was surprised because it was not my wife, but someone else. Over time my false confidence wore out. By the end of the date I had nearly completely collapsed. I dropped her off and pulled around the corner and cried for a good hour. I was soooooooo not ready. But I did it to prove my ex wrong.
> 
> So don't use another to prove your ex was wrong. You will see that life is a long game and not a short one. Play it that way and you will eventually be the winner in life


Yes, you're right; I need to start focusing on myself and not what she's doing in her life and how quickly she has moved on already.

When were you able to start dating again without feeling like an emotional mess? 

I can definitely see that happening to myself with the next girl I'm with, it will feel awkward/weird knowing that it's not my wife next to me but some other random girl. :frown2:

Thank you!


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## Bananapeel

I wasn't ready right after divorce so after about 6 months I started by casually dating with no commitment. The problem was the woman I was seeing said she was alright with a casual relationship, but wasn't being honest and wanted more than I was ready to give, so I had to break up with her. I felt bad about it because she thought I was the "the one" for her and even though I let her down easily and respectfully I know she was hurt by the breakup. The next woman I saw has been fine with a casual relationship, which has been great for both of us. I'm now more than 2 years post divorce and would be open to a committed relationship again, but only with the right person and under the right circumstances because I don't need a relationship to be happy or feel complete. Going through a divorce was a transformative time for me and like many others I've really come out ahead. Now I've got a great life with everything I could ever want and view a stable long term relationship as just icing on the cake, so to speak. So it's not something I'm actively seeking, even though I'm probably ready for it, if it were to happen. I guess to answer the question it would be 2+ years for me to be emotionally ready.


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## Ynot

dennisg1 said:


> Yes, you're right; I need to start focusing on myself and not what she's doing in her life and how quickly she has moved on already.
> 
> When were you able to start dating again without feeling like an emotional mess?
> 
> I can definitely see that happening to myself with the next girl I'm with, it will feel awkward/weird knowing that it's not my wife next to me but some other random girl. :frown2:
> 
> Thank you!


Honestly for me, I think I sort of adhered to the old saying "fake it til you make it". I used to think what total BS it was. Now I realize in many ways I lived by that credo. The thing is, is that most people confuse be ready to date with being recovered from the break up. In fact, they are two totally different processes that one must go through. The two contribute to each other, but are different. The problem is when people imagine them to be the same one. Dating is how you learn what you want and don't want. It is a means of testing the progress of your recovery. Your recovery however, is about YOU and only you. So as BananaPeel just stated, it is OK to date NOT be interested in an LTR, bt something more causal. There is nothing wrong with that. As time progresses along with your recovery you may decide you want something more and there is nothing wrong with that either.
One positive (out of many) that comes out of divorce or break up is that now, you get to decide for your self what makes you happy. That is what your recovery is all about. You might decide that dating is or isn't a part of what makes you happy and then of course, how you choose to date can also be part of that decision.
So when did I stop faking it? probably about the time I realized that nobody is coming to save me. That was when I realized I was free to choose my own path. I didn't need to feel guilty for NOT following someone else's. I wasn't cheating on my wife, I wasn't using other people, I was living my life. The key is being honest with your self and everyone you meet - live the Golden Rule!


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## MJJEAN

dennisg1 said:


> Yes, you're right; I need to start focusing on myself and not what she's doing in her life and how quickly she has moved on already.
> 
> When were you able to start dating again without feeling like an emotional mess?
> 
> I can definitely see that happening to myself with the next girl I'm with, it will feel awkward/weird knowing that it's not my wife next to me but some other random girl. :frown2:
> 
> Thank you!


Adding to what @Ynot said, some people fake it til they make it and would never move on without doing it that way. Others, not so much. The hard part is figuring out which type of person you are. Are you the kind that just needs to get out there and do it until you're comfortable with it or the kind of person that needs to rest and recharge first?

If you still feel like an emotional mess, wait. You'll know it's right when you feel more even keeled and you'll know which woman to ask out because you want to spend more time in her company.


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## Ynot

MJJEAN said:


> Adding to what @Ynot said, some people fake it til they make it and would never move on without doing it that way. Others, not so much. The hard part is figuring out which type of person you are. Are you the kind that just needs to get out there and do it until you're comfortable with it or the kind of person that needs to rest and recharge first?
> 
> If you still feel like an emotional mess, wait. You'll know it's right when you feel more even keeled and you'll know which woman to ask out because you want to spend more time in her company.


Yep! The only one who really knows when it is time is you.


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## MJJEAN

Ynot said:


> Yep! The only one who really knows when it is time is you.


Also, sane women generally aren't attracted to emotional messes. You do NOT want to be some gal's divorced guy dating horror story.


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## Diana7

Ynot said:


> Yep! The only one who really knows when it is time is you.


 I think that sometimes we can persuade ourselves that we are ready when all those who know us well, know that we aren't. Its also depends on what we are looking for. I wasn't interested in casual dating, that's not me, I wanted a man who was going to be my husband. 
Also if we date too soon, we can end up hurting lots of people in the process. 

I met a man after about 5 years who I got on well with. I was ready for a committed relationship and he was very newly single and just wasn't. He wasn't looking for casual sex, but he knew that he wasn't emotionally ready for anything committed so we amicably parted ways.


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## Diana7

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> Yeah, we are still going through the divorce process but I don't feel like I'm ready to be seeing anyone anytime soon; definitely want some alone / me time.
> 
> We've been together for 10 years (5 married), and the part that crushes me is that she is still continuing to see the guy she had a year long affair with. I don't understand how she could be ready to get involved with someone else already when our divorce hasn't even been finalized yet. It just makes me feel all her bullsh*t "I love yous" and "I never want to hurt you" meant nothing. We were together for a while, and I don't know how she could be ready to be seeing anyone at this time.


That why most relationships that begin with affairs don't last. She isn't ready. I have seen so many people jump straight into another relationship and they rarely last.


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## Diana7

MJJEAN said:


> Regarding the bolded, I think this really depends on a host of factors, but a specific one that seems to come up often is fertility. Women's fertility is finite. Many women don't have the time to wait 2-3 years after their divorce is finalized if they want to meet a mate, remarry, and have a baby or two.
> 
> Most folks I know started dating casually during the separation period and then got more serious about dating after the divorce became final. YMMV.


Most I know didn't date till sometime after the divorce was final. It also depends on children etc . I had three teenagers living with me, they were my first and most important priority. With work and them and running a home, I had no time, energy or money for dating.


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## Magnesium

I've been separated more than a year now and my divorce was final last month. I have absolutely no interest in dating or being in a relationship at all. For the first time in my life I am living alone and I love every single moment of it and every aspect of it. It is difficult to even imagine a time when I will want to bother with dating or relationships.


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## arbitrator

*It’s been 6 years since the “trial separation” and 4 years since the pronouncement of the divorce from RSXW!

She remarried 2 years ago so it’s rather obvious she had no trouble in reaching out to find her some more money to put on top of her already impressive stockpile of it!

From the perspective of time, I am over her and feel that I really want to date, but at the same time, am totally jaded, untrusting, and generallly scared crapless to let anyone ever get near me again, preeminently out of sheer fear that it will be, as Yogi Berra so famously quipped, ”’deja vu’ all over again!”

The rationale being that the next woman who I would let get anywhere else close to me again would absolutely rip my “nvts” out even harder than the first two ever did!

*


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## dennisg1

Magnesium said:


> I've been separated more than a year now and my divorce was final last month. I have absolutely no interest in dating or being in a relationship at all. For the first time in my life I am living alone and I love every single moment of it and every aspect of it. It is difficult to even imagine a time when I will want to bother with dating or relationships.


I'm currently living alone in my house as it sells but I don't mind being alone; I never really had a problem with it before. 

The one thing I do hate is not really having friends around to hang out on the weekends like I use to because a majority are married with kids; so it's hard to get together with them. I have one friend that is still single and also my cousins, that I've been hanging out with most of the time and my other single friends I have live out of state; so I rarely see them. 

I like to do things on the weekends so it's just disappointing to not have anyone to go out with and I don't want to turn into the guy sitting at the bar by himself. Lol.

I did lose touch with more of my other friends that I use to hang out with, but their all married too; because a majority of the time we would hang out with her friends and their husbands; which I always had a good time with.


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## Magnesium

dennisg1 said:


> I'm currently living alone in my house as it sells but I don't mind being alone; I never really had a problem with it before.
> 
> The one thing I do hate is not really having friends around to hang out on the weekends like I use to because a majority are married with kids; so it's hard to get together with them. I have one friend that is still single and also my cousins, that I've been hanging out with most of the time and my other single friends I have live out of state; so I rarely see them.
> 
> I like to do things on the weekends so it's just disappointing to not have anyone to go out with and I don't want to turn into the guy sitting at the bar by himself. Lol.
> 
> I did lose touch with more of my other friends that I use to hang out with, but their all married too; because a majority of the time we would hang out with her friends and their husbands; which I always had a good time with.


Can you try taking a hobby class or joining a meetup group? I prefer to hike alone (with my dogs, not other people), but I always run into meetup groups of hikers out on the trails and some of them are really big (like 40 or more hikers). Hobby groups, gym classes (yoga, spin, whatever you like), local libraries that have a speaker series? Not sure where you live or what's available near you, but if you have a local bar, you might have a local library that will have a list of events. Those are pretty safe places to speak to others.


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## Ynot

MJJEAN said:


> Also, sane women generally aren't attracted to emotional messes. You do NOT want to be some gal's divorced guy dating horror story.


Yep, which is why honesty is the best policy. And that works both ways. I have met some people who claimed to be "over it", yet exhibited the emotional stability of a two year old (once you got to know them a little better). My point was that only YOU know if YOU are ready. You can't control what someone else says, thinks or does, all you can do is be honest and let them decide.


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## Taxman

Dennis:
A little t/j here, but do not do any thing that will set your STBXWW off.
Please, during the divorce period hold your water. Date quietly if you want, however, there is a method to the madness. You want everything that can possibly come to you. Afterward, when it is all signed sealed and delivered. When you have your money and she cannot reopen this, go for the throat. Get justice. Date and enjoy. I counsel each and every client going through this, especially the divorces which are the mold that grows on affairs, to hold onto the family secrets until everything is absolutely iron clad. Then, all bets are off. I have had a senior vice president, who drained nearly all of her cash reserves and a lot of her investments to buy the ex-husband out of their multi million dollar home, only for him to send a confidential letter to the HR dept at her company naming her and the AP. Both lost their jobs, and she is virtually blackballed in her industry. He felt bad doing it to her, but then he realized it was just as bad as what she did to him, except he will recover. She will probably not. We have had guys who video'ed everything, and had the exwife wait until the divorce was final, to expose to friends and family with a DVD (my kid was hired to actually produce this thing).

Be quiet during the divorce, of course get all of the assets that you can, and then throw a monkey wrench into her life. She did it to you, and I am not saying to lower yourself to her level, just get justice.


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## WasDecimated

dennisg1 said:


> Thanks for the replies!
> 
> Yeah, we are still going through the divorce process but I don't feel like I'm ready to be seeing anyone anytime soon; definitely want some alone / me time.
> 
> We've been together for 10 years (5 married), and the part that crushes me is that she is still continuing to see the guy she had a year long affair with. I don't understand how she could be ready to get involved with someone else already when our divorce hasn't even been finalized yet. It just makes me feel all her bullsh*t "I love yous" and "I never want to hurt you" meant nothing. We were together for a while, and I don't know how she could be ready to be seeing anyone at this time.





dennisg1 said:


> Yes, you're right; I need to start focusing on myself and not what she's doing in her life and how quickly she has moved on already.
> 
> When were you able to start dating again without feeling like an emotional mess?
> 
> I can definitely see that happening to myself with the next girl I'm with, it will feel awkward/weird knowing that it's not my wife next to me but some other random girl. :frown2:
> 
> Thank you!


Dennis, you sound like me almost 5 years ago. Time will be your best friend.

She wasn’t hurt and emotionally damaged by her choices, you were. In that sense, you are the victim. It’s gonna take time for you to recover. Everyone is different…don’t rush it. I’m almost 5 years out from my divorce and I’m still not dating. Although, I initially jumped out there, I quickly realized I wasn’t even close to being ready. Remember, emotionally damaged people attract the same. You don’t need that in your future. Fix yourself first…allow yourself to heal.

If it still feels awkward or weird being with some random girl, and you still think about XWW, than you are not ready to date.

BTW, all her “I Love Yous” and "I never want to hurt yous" were Bull$hit. You need to accept that and put it behind you. It’s OK to be angry right now. It’ll help you see her for who she really is. The goal here is indifference. You will know when you have arrived when she no longer crosses your mind, you feel nothing for her, and do not give a damn what she is doing.




dennisg1 said:


> I'm currently living alone in my house as it sells but I don't mind being alone; I never really had a problem with it before.
> 
> The one thing I do hate is not really having friends around to hang out on the weekends like I use to because a majority are married with kids; so it's hard to get together with them. I have one friend that is still single and also my cousins, that I've been hanging out with most of the time and my other single friends I have live out of state; so I rarely see them.
> 
> I like to do things on the weekends so it's just disappointing to not have anyone to go out with and I don't want to turn into the guy sitting at the bar by himself. Lol.
> 
> I did lose touch with more of my other friends that I use to hang out with, but their all married too; because a majority of the time we would hang out with her friends and their husbands; which I always had a good time with.


I lost a lot of friends in my divorce as well. Most of them disowned XWW except for a few of her friends that are infidelity sympathizers and as I found out, were unfaithful as well. It seems as if I became a pariah to most of my married friends even though I was the faithful one. Married folks naturally avoid divorce situations possibly because its awkward…taking sides, and the possibly they believe that divorce is contagious. I don’t have the loneliness issue as much because my kids live with me. They are always here and keep me busy. Most of my single friends are much younger that me and in different stages of life. 

You have to make new friends, it’s part of starting over.


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## Thor

I felt ready to date 12 months after moving out. The divorce wasn't finalized for another 4 months after that, but I was living in my own place completely disconnected from my ex from when I moved out. 

However, my desire was to only date socially. I was not interested in any kind of deeply serious or heavy relationship. I'm over age 50, and my kids are all adults. I have no interest in having more kids. If I were a lot younger and wanting to start a family, I think I would have been more motivated to seek out a new life-partner.

Having said that, I think it is very important to be socially active immediately. Not dating, but social. Go to holiday events with your family. Go to the office Christmas party. Keep doing, or re-start doing, things you used to do such as going to the gym or volunteering at a local charity. Use meetup.com to find groups doing things you enjoy. Stay involved with other people, and make an effort to exercise your conversation skills.


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## WildMustang

My divorce has been final for 2.5 years and I have not dated yet. I was married 28 years. I think I am ready now (most days) but out of an abundance of caution, I am waiting a little while longer.

How long will it take before you are ready to date again? It will take as long as it takes. And whatever amount of time that is, is perfectly fine and acceptable.

I caution against comparing your timeline to other people's timelines. Your situation and you are unique and cannot fairly be compared to other people or their situations.

Generally speaking, if you can discuss your ex and your divorce without getting teary eyed or feeling a flush of shame or rage, you are ready.

Before dating, become really good at nurturing your SELF - Be kind, compassionate, patient, understanding, accepting of your SELF. 

When that little voice in your head that loves to be critical starts chattering and yammering, shut that **** down immediately and replace it with that little voice in your head that is loving and supportive of you.

Think and speak kindly TO your SELF and OF your SELF, whether in your head or to another person.

If that little negative voice is saying things that would not be acceptable for you to say to a friend in your exact situation, then it is not acceptable to allow that little negative voice to say those things to you and about you.

Become your own best friend and your own best advocate before dating.

I encourage you to date YOU! All those things you'd love to do with a partner or on a date- do that with your SELF and by your SELF for your SELF.

Whether it is going out to eat at that new restaurant you want to try, going to a music festival, seeing a new movie that just came out, rock climbing, traveling-whatever you enjoy doing on a date or with a relationship partner-do that with your SELF and by your SELF and for your SELF. 

Treat your SELF to good things and good times. 

Treat your SELF to quiet times when you can be still and be alone and enjoy your own presence.

If you don't know what makes you tick or how you like to spend your time, then spend time finding out and then spend time doing those things.

I know the idea of solitude can be daunting when you crave company and intimacy and sex to fill a void.

You want to be so "FULL" of your SELF and so "FULL" of love and acceptance of your SELF, that you are "OVERFLOWING" and you can approach love and relationships from a place of being "FULL" already and not "EMPTY".

No one can fill the emptiness you feel inside and it is not fair to expect anyone to do it. They can't, anyway. You have to learn to fill the void/emptiness inside you first, and then bring that version of a "FULL" SELF into the relationship or date.

Also, if you are still in pain or if you have unresolved issues and you try to date, you will subconsciously attract others who are also in pain and also have unresolved issues, which is not good.

Also, if you try to date while you are still in pain or have unresolved issues, you give off a vibe of neediness and emptiness to predators. These predators are like sharks who smell blood in the water and they zone in on you, tell you what you want to hear, use good sex to lure you in, and devour you before you know what happened. 

You will know when you are ready to date. Be patient with your SELF and do not push yourself to get out there before you are ready.


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## WildMustang

I forgot to mention, if you lost friends in the divorce, you have to question if they were truly friends. Perhaps they did you a favor by dissolving the friendship by making room for people who will be your friend in both good times and bad times.

The older I get, the more I realize that if you have just ONE good friend, you have more than a lot of people.

Also, you have to be a really good friend to your SELF first, then be a really good friend to another, before you can expect that person to be a really good friend to you.

You have to be willing and able to go there first.


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## AVR1962

In my situation I started receiving counseling five years before I left the marriage as I had been contemplating it for years before that but it had got to a point that something had to change one way or the other. I was sleeping in a spare room and we were doing so much by ourselves. I spent my time with my kids, career, by myself and with my lady friends. That was a time of confusion for me as I felt so conflicted by much of what was going on. I really didn't want to divorce my husband but I also realized that love was long gone. We had been living as roommates and I debated whether I could continue. There was no touching, no heart-felt anything going on between us....our existence together was completely mundane and felt more of an obligation than anything. I served a role but emotionally I was disconnected and while I understood why I also knew I could not change the situation. he was who he was and I could not accept the alcoholism. I no longer wanted to deal with his passive-aggressive mind games or his addictions. The only way I was ever going to love again was to leave and I felt at risk in leaving, fearing I could lose the love of my children by tearing the family apart.

By the time I left it was more relief to have it over and done with. I thought I would miss him but I have not. I never thought of going back or trying to work things out with him. We have not even spoke since I left. I was more than ready and in my head I had already wanted a connection, to love again, to feel wanted. My ex was someone who was not affectionate, did not voice he loved me and I felt myself die in the marriage. I enjoy touch and he did not have it to give so it created a passion within me that was being squelched over and over again. 

When I left I knew I wanted to date again. Only three months after I left I saw the holidays quickly approaching so I signed up for a dating service. The men I went out with were more nervous than myself. With time I became comfortable with the dating and was actually enjoying it. I enjoyed having the texts and the conversations getting to know all these men. At the 5 month point I met a man a really liked and we dating several months. I realize, looking back, I was triggered by some things and he too was dealing with his own emotional baggage and it didn't work out for us. I ended up crushed but I learned alot about myself in the process and that is all we can do.

Several of my friends have sworn off of dating all together because someone hurt them or cheated on them but that means anyone that enters your life pays for that other person't past actions and that's not fair to anyone involved. I do think it takes alot to open your heart to someone after you have been hurt but you have to realize this is someone new in your life, enjoy their company, tell them what it means to you to have them in your life.

Was I "ready"? My baggage will be with me, the challenge is not letting it interfere with who I plan to spend my time with. Being able to enjoy the company/ the relationship with that person without the hurts of the past playing a part of that new encounter. I can tell you that I wasn't thinking "this man might treat me like my ex did" but I can say I was thinking "dating is one thing but my marriages went south as soon as I got married," so I have held back emotionally which i have only recently figured out. It's been 15 months since I left now and while I don't have everything in my life perfect yet I can say I am trying....you have to have a willingness to move on. Let the past go. Know who you are as a person, what you are willing to deal with and have an understadning of your limits and realize you can stand by those.


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## Rob_1

I was married to my first wife for about 7 years. The day after we agreed to divorce I was in a hotel with a woman that I knew wanted me. It was good and liberating.


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## BlueWoman

I don’t know if I am ready to date or not. I definitely feel healed from my divorce over 3 years ago, but one of the things I have learned about myself is I have a hard time balancing all the things I want to do, because I am all or nothing. 
When I was married, I was all about the marriage. I didn’t want to do anything that wasn’t centered on the marriage on some level. Which meant I didn’t have extra curricular activities. I worked and then came home. My ex was very social and then definitely became a point of controversy. Three years out, I have definitely spread my wings so to speak. I became active members in two different professional associations, and just joined an executive board. I am also working on my Ph.D., And I realize their is no room in my life for a significant other. And I am not sure I want to make room. I am afraid of falling into that pattern again. I don’t know how to be moderate. My coworkers that have managed it, are capable of “good enough” and they are good enough, but it’s not enough for me. And the thing is, I like that about me. I like that I am driven and ambitious and I believe I am force for good. I really like who I am. But who I am isn’t compatible with a relationship.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Thor

There are many people out there who are interested in a low key relationship. More than just friends, not just Friends With Benefits. Good friends, companions, lovers, but without the need to smother each other or spend every spare minute together.

If you're comfortable with an exclusive relationship with a relatively small weekly time commitment, I bet you will find good people out there who are looking for the same thing.

I have been surprised how differently I feel about relationships (and sex!) now that I've started dating again after a very long marriage. It took me a year post D to feel desire to date (about 2 years post separation).

There's no harm in putting yourself out there and seeing how you feel once you've had a date or two.


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