# Social Media Contact from Random People



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Just asking you good people out there as I am more than puzzled by what my wife is telling me, and in total disbelief over the matter. We are in a struggling marriage currently which is a much longer story than what this is, but part of that is the use of social media and random people messaging.

I use social media little, barely have opened my facebook in over a year and have less than 10 family and friends on it, and I don't use any other media at all other than messaging apps, my choice and comfortable with it. 
My wife uses a variety, I couldn't tell you them all as I have no idea what is on her phone, but she makes use of them and in general I have no concerns with that neither, what I do have thoughts over is how random people make contact, or at least how she is telling me it happens.

A number of times now she has told me how random guys have picture messaged her with shirtless photos and suggested how they should get together and how gorgeous she is from her profile picture, and it was suggested, perhaps me more gathering that this was over facebook, but I can't be sure. She tells me how she doesn't respond, but at other times, namely when drunk and angry, she tells me she has online friends she regularly talks to. The other thing to add here is that she is always taking and tweaking photos of herself, often in lingerie and in fact has them as her wallpaper on her phone which I have told her I find very odd, looking at yourself that way, but she says it is what makes her feel good about herself. 

She has shown me pictures of younger fit guys that apparently have sent her photos, and she is telling me it is quite normal in this day and age, this is how people communicate, that it is common, and on top of that justifies it with things like saying they have good bodies and want to show them off, why shouldn't they?

Now I have asked around my friends and they have never come across it, so to the wider audience is it common, is it the way people communicate now and be so forward (in my opinion) but I also question what kind of sites is she on to be getting this kind of attention, I just can't believe it is Facebook. In fact the other night after she got drunk and we argued and she told me about some guy who is twice the man I am, and I invited her to go be with him then, and went to bed. I then heard her talking to some guy (I heard his voice on loudspeaker ) and I thought I heard her say that she had got naked to make the video call and why was he being so shy, but it was muffled and a short call and I didn't see or catch her in anyway by the time I got up.

So thoughts? Is it quite normal for guys to be sending random people their pictures, ladies do you get this at all? Personally I don't believe an ounce of it, but like to know more.
By the way she and I are in our 40's


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

No, this isn't normal. And, it's disrespectful to the marriage & you. You should stop talking to her about it though, and get ahold of her phone when she's sleeping/away. Do some snooping & find out just how much she's sharing.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

she is basically blowing smoke up your butt....in a big way....she sounds sneaky


----------



## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

She has you wrapped around her finger, @Shinobi. That she could tell you something this stupid and you would believe it gives me this mental picture; tell me if it's wrong. She is into fitness and looking good. As a result she has (superficial) confidence and gets much attention from the opposite sex. You aren't all that into fitness and maybe don't look as good (in your mind). So you think you scored "out of your league" with her. You don't get as much attention from the opposite sex as her. As a result you are willing to put up with this disrespect because you don't believe you can do better.

That's as far as I got. How accurate as I?


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> She has you wrapped around her finger, @Shinobi. That she could tell you something this stupid and you would believe it gives me this mental picture; tell me if it's wrong. She is into fitness and looking good. As a result she has (superficial) confidence and gets much attention from the opposite sex. You aren't all that into fitness and maybe don't look as good (in your mind). So you think you scored "out of your league" with her. You don't get as much attention from the opposite sex as her. As a result you are willing to put up with this disrespect because you don't believe you can do better.
> 
> That's as far as I got. How accurate as I?


Indeed, I do believe got me wrapped around her finger yes, I do doubt it though, it just seems too way off the mark for me. She is not into fitness, and in fact due to various things, depression included is quite thin, actually malnutritioned according to what the doctor has told her recently, as she doesn't eat much or regularly, smokes about 40 a day as well. She does tell me she gets a lot of attention from other men, I don't think she has every been to a supermarket without being told how gorgeous she is, at least that what she has told me, I have never seen it whilst out with her, obviously.

I go to the gym 3 times a week and have been doing now for 18 months, am of a big build with a little more weight to lose, but have a strong physique without having ripped abs and major definition, so I am the gym addict, and no I got no attention at least not to my knowledge other than friends commenting on the fact I have lost weight or have a noticeably more muscular build, but I am not seeking for it, nor greatly concerned of not having any.

No I am not willing to put up with the disrespect, hence the marital difficulties. I appreciate your comments and can entirely see where you are coming from.

Tropicalbeachiwish - looking through her phone is not something I have ever done and she has one of those Iphones with thumb scanner so I don't even see her typing a code in to copy and I have no idea on her pin number, and wouldn't entertain trying as it would block her phone and she would know, a good thought, thankyou.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sure it's normal for somebody who is looking for someone to have sex with, certainly not normal for a happily married spouse.

The thing that got me was your comment that you didn't want to catch her naked video messaging another guy. Very bad and weak approach, what's next, her bringing guys home?

Odds are she has already cheated and she is blanantly advertising it to you by showing you these hot guys she's playing around with. I think she is trying to force you into divorce, that way she can play the victim while you look like the bad guy for ending the marriage.


----------



## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Shinobi said:


> Just asking you good people out there as I am more than puzzled by what my wife is telling me, and in total disbelief over the matter. We are in a struggling marriage currently which is a much longer story than what this is, but part of that is the use of social media and random people messaging.
> 
> I use social media little, barely have opened my facebook in over a year and have less than 10 family and friends on it, and I don't use any other media at all other than messaging apps, my choice and comfortable with it.
> My wife uses a variety, I couldn't tell you them all as I have no idea what is on her phone, but she makes use of them and in general I have no concerns with that neither, what I do have thoughts over is how random people make contact, or at least how she is telling me it happens.
> ...


I think once you should clearly talk with ur wife bcs she is not hiding from u rather she is telling you everything about all the things which she is doing so u should talk with her n make her realise that those people can't be trusted bcs not known directly to her so sharing such pics might be risky

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


----------



## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> I think once you should clearly talk with ur wife bcs she is not hiding from u rather she is telling you everything about all the things which she is doing so u should talk with her n make her realise that those people can't be trusted bcs not known directly to her so sharing such pics might be risky
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


N if they are known people then also it's not good to share such pics I feel there should be some limit

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Getting pictures, no. But I do have random people sending me messages and/or friend requests all the time. I delete them immediately, since I have no connection to these people at all. What you have described, however, is not the same thing. I agree that you should check her phone when she is sleeping. Something isn't right, that's for sure. (I, too, am on my 40s, btw. And what you describe is weird to me, too.)

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Yes, it is quite common and this is the way people communicate now - when you are single and dating, or married and cheating.

Tell her she can do this when she is single. If she continues, file for divorce and give her what she wants. 

BTW, short of divorce filing, i don't think she will stop. She will just continue to say that what she is doing is normal and blame you.

Man up. Your wife is electronically dating guys in front of you, and rubs it in your face when she is drunk. Eventually she will hook up with one of more of them. We have warned you. What you do next is totally up to you.

And this happens a lot in the 40s. Call it a mid life crisis, or call it cheating. Outcome is the same.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's lying.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> Getting pictures, no. But I do have random people sending me messages and/or friend requests all the time. I delete them immediately, since I have no connection to these people at all. What you have described, however, is not the same thing. I agree that you should check her phone when she is sleeping. Something isn't right, that's for sure. (I, too, am on my 40s, btw. *And what you describe is weird to me, too*.)
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I don't think it is weird at all. I too have gotten random young hot chicks to friend request me. Always from another country. Probably a scam for money. 

But when guys do it, they want sex, not money.


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Cooper said:


> Sure it's normal for somebody who is looking for someone to have sex with, certainly not normal for a happily married spouse.
> 
> The thing that got me was your comment that you didn't want to catch her naked video messaging another guy. Very bad and weak approach, what's next, her bringing guys home?
> 
> Odds are she has already cheated and she is blanantly advertising it to you by showing you these hot guys she's playing around with. I think she is trying to force you into divorce, that way she can play the victim while you look like the bad guy for ending the marriage.


Cooper, thanks I did get up to go see what it was all about, but when I got into the sitting room she had her t-shirt and shorts on, I had listened out first to see exactly what was said, when it went quiet I then headed to the room, either she hadn't stripped off or had gotten dressed again, I can not be sure, she only had on a loose t-shirt and shorts.

She does blatantly put it to me when drunk and arguing, all sorts of things, especially about one friend I do know about, saying things like he is light as a feather when he lays on me, and saying how one picture was from a guy I work with, but like I pointed out there was no face on it and it could be from anywhere, so there are suspicions.

The only thing I would say is that we live quite isolated, 15 minute drive to the local shop even and she never goes out on a night, she doesn't work so is at home all day, but I have to say she uses very little petrol to be going anywhere and there is no public transport, so there is certainly nothing frequent if at all.

As for pushing for divorce, it could be but she is always saying she is wanting to keep it all together, that could be to make me seem even more bad, I am not sure.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Does she drink alot?

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Yes, it is quite common and this is the way people communicate now - when you are single and dating, or married and cheating.
> 
> Tell her she can do this when she is single. If she continues, file for divorce and give her what she wants.
> 
> ...


Blueinbr, I hear you and yes I am not seeing it stop, because yes she does blame me, and yes does very much think it is normal. I am totally warned yes, thankyou, and I am prepared to walk, or more to the point to show her the door.
I do appreciate the input.


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Does she drink alot?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


When she has a session yes, a lot, but that is not regular, it is generally when she gets wound up, usually over something she says I have done, not done kind of thing, then she will have a couple to feel better, but doesn't stop, it may be once a week, but then it has been a couple of times a week or three or four weeks in between, and in between she has no alcohol.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

My 21 year old daughter receives requests from random men and it totally creeps her out. She does not respond. She has her social media accounts on private but these guys can still see her profile picture. 

So, yes it's normal for random men to send requests and pictures to women on social media. These men are looking for that one low self-esteem, "please validate me", woman that craves attention. My daughter doesn't need those things but your wife does and that's not normal.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Shinobi said:


> The only thing I would say is that we live quite isolated, 15 minute drive to the local shop even and she never goes out on a night, she doesn't work so is at home all day, but I have to say she uses very little petrol to be going anywhere and there is no public transport, so there is certainly nothing frequent if at all.
> 
> As for pushing for divorce, it could be but she is always saying she is wanting to keep it all together, that could be to make me seem even more bad, I am not sure.


I can give you many ways to get around this. 

1) The guy comes to your house when your are out.
2) She uses petrol but puts more back into the tank to replace it. Maybe the guy buys it.
3) They hook up when she goes out during the day into town.

I can list 20 of these. You really don't know she is home all day.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife has never gotten any pictures from guys since the time that the internet has been graphic. I have a Facebook page but only my friends can post on it, no one else can. Your wife can set her privacy settings to block everyone but the people she approves of. I think she may be flirting a little on the internet. Both men and women like to feel that others find them sexy and attractive. After you are married for awhile you tend to take each other from granted and you need to watch out for that. Nothing like having someone else lust after your body to feed your ego.

Everyday I make my wife feel sexy. This morning I hugged her and kissed her neck while telling her how hot she makes me. She giggled like a little schoolgirl. I am always reminding her of how much I love and desire her. That is one of the reasons we are still married for 44+ years. We were not big on social media, limiting it to friends and family. I get friend requests all the time but ignore them as does my wife. She does not need an ego boost. She gets several right at home every day. Men like to look at other women and women like to flirt with men. Most times it is harmless and makes us feel good about ourselves but when it starts getting into naked pictures and suggestive posts, that is a rabbit hole you best not go down into. You can easily find yourself being drawn deeper and deeper into it by telling yourself it is harmless. Harmless until you develop feelings or lust.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> My 21 year old daughter receives requests from random men and it totally creeps her out. She does not respond. She has her social media accounts on private but these guys can still see her profile picture.
> 
> So, yes it's normal for random men to send requests and pictures to women on social media. These men are looking for that one low self-esteem, "please validate me", woman that craves attention. My daughter doesn't need those things but your wife does and that's not normal.


Yes, the guys are fishing. If you cast out 10 times and get one hit, that is a good success rate. (Fishing-wise)


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just my opinion. In the old days,before the internet,if complete strangers contacted us by mail or landline in a salacious way we would probably feel exposed and concerned,even fearful. However,because of the perceived anonymity of the internet,some people don't feel threatened at all when this occurs and may even,for whatever reason,interact. Social media is exactly that... social. Oftentimes we share info that can be there for all to see... even those who's intentions are suspect.

Also,with the number of tracking companies out there,God knows who is buying/given access to a lot of your personal information. It is,after all,basically a self-regulated industry. Just be aware and don't accept anonymity as a given on the internet.

e.g.How To: eXelate, Online Tracking, and Your Privacy ? Private WiFi


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Shinobi said:


> Cooper, thanks I did get up to go see what it was all about, but when I got into the sitting room she had her t-shirt and shorts on, I had listened out first to see exactly what was said, when it went quiet I then headed to the room, either she hadn't stripped off or had gotten dressed again, I can not be sure, she only had on a loose t-shirt and shorts.
> 
> She does blatantly put it to me when drunk and arguing, all sorts of things, especially about one friend I do know about, saying things like he is light as a feather when he lays on me, and saying how one picture was from a guy I work with, but like I pointed out there was no face on it and it could be from anywhere, so there are suspicions.
> 
> ...


Those two phrases can never be said by the same person with any sincerity. She is baiting you and daring you to make a move. If she is a drunk and her inhibitions are deteriorating to the point that she is belligerently flaunting other men and her desire for other men in front of you she is on her way to self destruction. If I were you I would take protective measures right now. Get her name off any bank accounts, remove her from charge cards, whatever car she drives put it in her name and get her her own insurance. Also just to be safe you may want to get tested for STD's, she may not be using the car much but that doesn't mean men aren't coming to your house or coming to pick her up.

Maybe you two will be able to work thru this, if that's your goal then she needs to change her ways. Regardless I think you need to be proactive about protecting your assets and your health.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Not normal at all. She's trying to get your permission to continue talking to men online who are feeding her ego with attention. She's telling you she's chatting online with men who want to have sex with her. This sounds like an EA.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She's got you totally hoodwinked, dude.

Tell her she either stops with the bullpucky or you'll divorce. And then DO it.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow ok.

I myself have gotten the odd random message from some man "wanting to get to know me". Yeah right, whatever. I'm married, nick off. Delete. Block - after showing my husband to avoid any misunderstandings!


----------



## billbird2111 (Feb 14, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> She will just continue to say that what she is doing is normal and blame you.
> 
> Man up. Your wife is electronically dating guys in front of you, and rubs it in your face when she is drunk. Eventually she will hook up with one of more of them. We have warned you. What you do next is totally up to you.
> 
> And this happens a lot in the 40s. Call it a mid life crisis, or call it cheating. Outcome is the same.


This is the spot on truth. And it happened a lot to me during the gaslighting period. She would get drunk and then proceed to tell me how many men that she met or this function or that function wanted to have sex with her. One time, when I was picking her up at the airport, she was all excited about two strange guys she had met on a plane and they had invited her out to dinner, and did I mind if she went alone? When I told her of course I minded, she clammed up and then told me not to get upset as it was just a big joke and they would never contact her. That's when I learned she had given out her phone number. And guess what happened on the drive back home from the airport to our house, a 15-minute trip I might add? One of the guys called her, wanting her to go out that night.

In my wife's mind, I am to blame for her stepping out on the marriage, having an affair with a married man, nearly breaking that marriage apart and her decision to leave me for this man (who dumped her a month later). I'm as serious as a heart attack. She has somehow rationalized that I am at fault for her actions, her cheating ways, and his decision to break it off with her. To this day I can't understand how she can possibly rationalize this, but therapists who have seen this before claim this is exactly what she's done. This is why she doesn't feel guilty about it. Because, somehow, I'm to blame for it.

Wise up my friend. She either already has cheated on you (most likely) or is about to step and out and do the deed. And, in her mind, the only person to blame for her cheating ways will be you. That's the way cheaters look at life. You're somehow to blame for the decision they made to step out and have an affair and they will also blame you for the end of the marriage, if it comes to such a thing.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you and your life. If I had a magic pill or answer that would make this all go away I'd be a zillionaire many times over. So would most of us on this forum who have gone through it. But, all we can tell you is that you're not alone. We've been through it. We've lived through what you're living through now. And I'm sorry to say that tough times are ahead in your life.

What you do next is entirely up to you.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Follow the advice in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html if you want to know whether she is cheating. Odds are she either is, or is thinking about it.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

soccermom2three said:


> My 21 year old daughter receives requests from random men and it totally creeps her out. She does not respond. She has her social media accounts on private but these guys can still see her profile picture.
> 
> So, yes it's normal for random men to send requests and pictures to women on social media. These men are looking for that one low self-esteem, "please validate me", woman that craves attention. My daughter doesn't need those things but your wife does and that's not normal.


This.

OP, your wife seems to be lacking self esteem and needs to find it elsewhere, of course blaming you for this. It's her choice to do this, but my advice would be to see if she'd be open to counseling, and if not...you have a different choice to make because it's at the very least disrespectful to you and the marriage, and at the worst...an affair waiting to happen.


----------



## blueberries (Dec 4, 2016)

Hi! I just want to share my perspective.

Your wife is fooling you. It's not how people communicate these days. She's clearly trying to make you feel like **** because she doesn't feel good about herself. She seems to have low self esteem and requires validation from strangers.

One Facebook, if a random person messages you, it automatically goes to a different folder...you'd have to manually look for that other folder to see these messages. FB does a very good job as filtering spam. I only use FB to keep in touch with friends and family, but I do receive a lot or random requests and messages. These messages often ask if we can be friends, include compliments, or something friendly and nice. I just ignore them and sometimes don't even realize they're there for years..because filters are pretty good. Never once have I ever received a photo straight off the bat. So what I'm trying to say is, in order for your wife to receive these photos, she's looking for them, engaging in flirty, possibly sexual conversations with these strangers and is exchanging photos with them.

As if she is not already so openly letting you know she's cheating online...What's up with that comment about your friend feeling as light as a feather on top of her?!? Red flag.

You can't access her phone because you don't have her pw? Red flag.

Talking about getting naked to video chat with another man? Whoa blaring red megahorn!

For some reason, I just highly doubt that your wife is truly an attractive person. Drinking and smoking as as much as she does, poor eating habits, malnourished...sorry, doesn't sound all that appealing/desirable to me...on top of her abusive behavior on you. To me, she just sounds sick and must not look healthy at all.

Why do you put up with this apparent disrespect? 

Now this may come off as judgmental but your wife sounds like she's spiraling outta control. Smoking and drinking way too much to be healthy. She has emotional issues and needs help. 

You also need help. It says so much about you as a man that you'd let her say and do all these things in your face without consequence. She walks all over you. Don't take her abuse.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Shinobi said:


> namely when drunk and angry, she tells me she has online friends she regularly talks to. The other thing to add here is that she is always taking and tweaking photos of herself, often in lingerie and in fact has them as her wallpaper on her phone which I have told her I find very odd, looking at yourself that way, but she says it is what makes her feel good about herself.
> 
> She has shown me pictures of younger fit guys that apparently have sent her photos, and she is telling me it is quite normal in this day and age, this is how people communicate, that it is common, and on top of that justifies it with things like saying they have good bodies and want to show them off, why shouldn't they?


Yes, this happens and it is normal.......on specific sites where a married person or someone in a serious relationship shouldn't visit. Sorry, dude she is at the least fishing for attention.



> One Facebook, if a random person messages you, it automatically goes to a different folder...you'd have to manually look for that other folder to see these messages. FB does a very good job as filtering spam.


To be fair, you have to adjust your settings to be this strong which she should have done long ago.. I completely agree with the rest.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Ummmm.....

I feel weird answering this after the answers you have gotten. I would say on average this happens 1-2 times a week to me on FB. Not so much the part of them all sending pictures, but guys, usually younger than me, coming on hot and heavy over messenger. 

Even though my profile CLEARLY, LOUDLY shows that I am HAPPILY MARRIED. At first, I reply to the "OMG you are so beautiful" dribble with something along the lines of "that's what my husband tells me every day." The men that were genuinely trying to be complimentary, when they realize I am married, apologize and I never hear from them again. For the rest of these asshats though, it doesn't deter them. 

I also read these to my husband as they come across so he knows what I am getting. If they say something that particularly ruffles his feathers, he will step in and start talking to them, and tell them never to contact me again. (He usually says a lot of stuff to push their buttons). I always block these people anyway. 

I would get really sick of dealing with this, and I finally found a way to drop down the amount of these I got. I change my profile picture from one that is a cute picture of me, to one that is of hubby and I, or both of us with our girls. I think that helps a ton. No ones as keen on wanting to flirt with a woman who's profile picture is of her and her husband in love. So I would tell her the next time it happens that you want her to change her picture to a picture of the two of you, or better yet, a wedding picture of the two of you! >

What's the big difference between my sitatuion and your wife's? It sounds like she likes it, and uses it as fuel against you when she is sauced. This is where your big problem lies. She obviously likes this inappropriate attention, and that is going to have her end up a cheater, if she hasn't already become one.

The next time she sets down her phone, grab it before it relocks. Go into her security settings and add your fingerprint. Then you can access it at night when she falls asleep and see what is going on. Also, you could make a fake FB account, and send her a flirty message including a pic of a hot guy on FB messenger, while you are at work. Then see what kind of conversation she has with you.


----------



## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Ummmm.....
> 
> I feel weird answering this after the answers you have gotten. I would say on average this happens 1-2 times a week to me on FB. Not so much the part of them all sending pictures, but guys, usually younger than me, coming on hot and heavy over messenger.
> 
> ...


good idea

Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't get the appeal of an anorexic, 40-something tart. These guys must be really desperate. And, they must be encouraged.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't get the appeal of an anorexic, 40-something tart. These guys must be really desperate. And, they must be encouraged.


Some people will take any thing if it's free


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I like your ideas spicy. I work with women who actually have men tell them to come visit and other silly things unsolicited on Facebook. The reason I didn't relate what they experienced, I have had a few unsolicited messages myself, is the unsolicited shirtless pictures, the video nude conference and the lingerie reciprocation is all specific to a certain type of social media platform other than Facebook. Now, I know people who have hooked up through FB but, it is normally wanted and put out in that fashion.


----------



## billbird2111 (Feb 14, 2016)

Shinobi said:


> As for pushing for divorce, it could be but *she is always saying she is wanting to keep it all togetherr*, that could be to make me seem even more bad, I am not sure.


Yeah, my ex said the exact same thing. What it means is this: *SHE'S WANTING TO KEEP IT ALL TOGETHER UNTIL SHE'S READY FOR IT TO END.* I know this because this is exactly what happened to me. I used the pets to discourage her. "Oh well," I said. "We'll have to find some way to split up the dog and cat." At which point she would hug both and assure me she would never leave "her children." That ruse worked for four months. Until she was really ready. And she left "her children" behind without so much as a wink of her eye.

Trust me dude, she's going to come home one day and announce she's ready and will pull the rug straight out from under your unsuspecting keester. I urge you right now, don't let that happen. Be in control. As much as you don't want to do it, end it now. Otherwise she will. And soon. And you will wind up with a broken heart that will take a year or more to get over.


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't get the appeal of an anorexic, 40-something tart. These guys must be really desperate. And, they must be encouraged.


There are times I am looking at her and thinking the same, especially when she is really on one and telling how sooooo many men find her drop dead gorgeous and sexy



Spicy said:


> It sounds like she likes it, and uses it as fuel against you when she is sauced. This is where your big problem lies. She obviously likes this inappropriate attention, and that is going to have her end up a cheater, if she hasn't already become one.
> 
> The next time she sets down her phone, grab it before it relocks. Go into her security settings and add your fingerprint. Then you can access it at night when she falls asleep and see what is going on. Also, you could make a fake FB account, and send her a flirty message including a pic of a hot guy on FB messenger, while you are at work. Then see what kind of conversation she has with you.


Yes, she does love to use it against me, and she loves attention, craves it, is incessant for it really. As for her phone, that has never left her hands before it is locked, and she never walks away from it, so its only going to happen if she drinks enough to pass out, there is potential!!



*Deidre* said:


> OP, your wife seems to be lacking self esteem and needs to find it elsewhere, of course blaming you for this. It's her choice to do this, but my advice would be to see if she'd be open to counseling, and if not...you have a different choice to make because it's at the very least disrespectful to you and the marriage, and at the worst...an affair waiting to happen.


Yes, there is not an instant of anything that goes on that is not 100% placed upon my head as the blame and reason. Counselling is never going to be it is purely just me that needs to change to meet her needs, as she often tells me.



blueberries said:


> Why do you put up with this apparent disrespect?
> 
> Now this may come off as judgmental but your wife sounds like she's spiraling outta control. Smoking and drinking way too much to be healthy. She has emotional issues and needs help.
> 
> You also need help. It says so much about you as a man that you'd let her say and do all these things in your face without consequence. She walks all over you. Don't take her abuse.


Why do I put up with this, well we/I are at the very end of that tether and it is very frayed at that and I am looking and planning a get out. But in answer is the way she makes me feel so guilty for everything, what she has done for me in the past, highlighting what I don't do that others would do, just generally make me look and feel bad, so so guilty and yes I have fallen for it many a time, and I recognise my weakness in doing so, I have just not had the mindfulness to do for me, but feel I must appease her, but the tide is changing, just last week when she was drunk telling me about her friend being twice the man I ever have been I invited her to go be with him, pointed at the door and said " and there's the door, off you go" before going to bed.

To everyone posting, I do appreciate your words, I am listening and thinking.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Shinobi said:


> Just asking you good people out there as I am more than puzzled by what my wife is telling me, and in total disbelief over the matter. We are in a struggling marriage currently which is a much longer story than what this is, but part of that is the use of social media and random people messaging.
> 
> I use social media little, barely have opened my facebook in over a year and have less than 10 family and friends on it, and I don't use any other media at all other than messaging apps, my choice and comfortable with it.
> My wife uses a variety, I couldn't tell you them all as I have no idea what is on her phone, but she makes use of them and in general I have no concerns with that neither, what I do have thoughts over is how random people make contact, or at least how she is telling me it happens.
> ...


I wonder why she has FB setup so that guys who she hasn't "friended" can message her with pictures at all. Unless you leave your FB account so wide open that everybody knows everything about you, "random guys" can't contact you other than request friend status - only after she accepts, would they be able to "send" things to her. So, it's not fully random- she has chosen to allow it.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The thing too is about random attention from people of the opposite sex, they are telling many others the same lines. So, it's really sad when I read or hear about stories of attention starved women or men married or not, and they think that they have been singled out by some hot guy/woman on the internet ...and they feel elated and special. But, in reality, those random people are saying the same lines to a bunch of others, and you're just one of many. My mom told me of a friend of hers who ruined her whole marriage after she lost weight and started posting pics on an exercise website, because of all the male attention she was getting. She started talking to one guy, had an emotional affair, and her husband found out, and it ruined their marriage. She eventually learned that the OM was talking to several others at the same time! Ruined her whole marriage for some attention, from a guy online who was not ''into'' her at all, but just fed her a bunch of lines. 

So, that's the sad reality of people who have low self esteem and are swept away by normal everyday social media stuff.


----------



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> I wonder why she has FB setup so that guys who she hasn't "friended" can message her with pictures at all. Unless you leave your FB account so wide open that everybody knows everything about you, "random guys" can't contact you other than request friend status - only after she accepts, would they be able to "send" things to her. So, it's not fully random- she has chosen to allow it.



A good question, as far as I was aware, and for what she has always said her FB is bolted right down in terms of access to it, now I suspect that to not be the case, but I also am suspicious of the sites she might be on to get all this, as I am not so sure it is just FB.
I know she posts on FB as she has told me, and I am on her friends list but I don't get the posts, she has told me she doesn't post to me as I don't do anything on FB anyway, there is no point. The other thing is that when I have seen comments on there, and they are usually disparaging comments out there about me, usually when she is drunk along the lines of how much of a poor person and husband I am she has public comments back from people who I can not see on her friends list. I confess to not knowing much about FB but it does shout out that she has followers or something that are not friends but can see and comment on her posts, which beggars the question as to what else can be done? 
It all screams of ill doing to me.


----------



## blueberries (Dec 4, 2016)

Good for you Shinobi! Show her the door! Stand up for yourself and don't let anyone bully you into thinking you're any less or worthless. She's using emotional abuse tactics to break you down. She will have you so broken and alone to pick up the pieces of your self-esteem and soul...and hers as well!

Non-friends on FB can only see / comment if she allows it..by which I mean she allows the public to see/comment. You need to make a new FB account and visit her page. You will not be a friend so you will clearly see what she has allowed for the public to see. Why don't you use the same account and catfish her and see what she's up to! *snickers*


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> A good question, as far as I was aware, and for what she has always said her FB is bolted right down in terms of access to it, now I suspect that to not be the case, but I also am suspicious of the sites she might be on to get all this, as I am not so sure it is just FB.
> I know she posts on FB as she has told me, and I am on her friends list but I don't get the posts, she has told me she doesn't post to me as I don't do anything on FB anyway, there is no point. The other thing is that when I have seen comments on there, and they are usually disparaging comments out there about me, usually when she is drunk along the lines of how much of a poor person and husband I am she has public comments back from people who I can not see on her friends list. I confess to not knowing much about FB but it does shout out that she has followers or something that are not friends but can see and comment on her posts, which beggars the question as to what else can be done?
> It all screams of ill doing to me.


Stop being a doormat and throw her cheating ass out.


----------

