# In a crisis, is it even infidelity?



## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

Hi everyone, I'm here because I would like some outside input about something that happened in my marriage. Sorry about the length.

First, I have been married almost 5 years, and we are both from different countries, and we live in his country. I'm an american, and our cultures are not drasticly different. We have been separated already in the past, about 2 years ago for 8 months. I had left him because of emotional abuse. Things have been better, but not always perfect. We have had some bad fights in the last few months.

In those few months, I have felt in despair after some of the fights. I am really non-confrontational, so I never bring up sensitive subjects, but I can overreact when he brings them up. He usually brings them up in an abrupt way or else sulks for hours until I finally find out what's bothering him. 

Also, in maybe December or January, I got obsessed with the Idea of moving to NYC. I have had many similar obsessions all my life, I am a city lover and have had to live in places that I didn't like, etc. He knows this about me. He also knows I like where we live and am quite happy to be here, but thinking of what it would be like to live elsewhere is par for the course for me, it is part of my personality. My obsession to move there lasted a few weeks.

In those few weeks, I found a forum about relocation, with sections about various places, and NYC was one. I started reading and posting. My husband felt uneasy about my New York obsession, feeling that I was thinking of moving there without him. The whole thing was pretty abstract, and I knew it was unrealistic, and that I would not be able to move for many years, if EVER. I also figured out that he probably would not want to go and that I might never convince him to go if the opportunity arose. (fat chance this would happen) Add to this that we were not getting along too well. I found this concern about it a little stifling, but I assured him I wasn't moving anywhere and not without him.

Fast forward to around now, and the obsession is gone, but I still enjoy reading in this forum about NYC and other stuff. The forum is full of topics that fascinate me. He says he undestand that.

So the other day, he notices me reading this forum, it was a looonng boring holiday weekend. My reading about it upset him, and he was not in a very good mood the whole night. We went to bed, and he asked after a while what my username is in that forum. A little later he went and read some of my posts there. I have about 36 posts there, most of them are not about me wanting to move to NY at all.

In the posts that are, I talk about wanting to move there in 5 years or so, after my son finishes school and after I finish school, but I don't mention my husband. (My profile says I'm married) Also, I think the worst thing I said was in one post that I'm married, "for now." I also list reasons in other posts for why I like living where I currently live, but I don't mention my husband in those posts. I know some of this can look bad....

The few posts where I either talked about moving to NY or about where I currently live caused a crisis for us. I can understand it, but I want guidance about how much of a crisis it should be and what is reasonable. I am afraid it will be brought up over and over and over again and he will not trust me for a long time. I have asked to have those posts deleted, because I am afraid he will keep reading them whenever he feels down about us, and re-kindle this crisis.

It has been a day and a half and there is tension. We talked and talked pleasantly last night, but again today, he is down and insecure. I told him that at least the "for now," post was probably after a fight where I was left wondering if we would ever work out. Otherwise, I really feel that my not mentioning him isn't too big a deal and I was simply posting as an individual. I needed an outlet for my NY obsession. I told him this. I told him that I never had and do not have plans to leave him, over and over.

Now today, he called me from work and was questioning me about listening to sad love songs, and watching tv shows where people are having relationship problems. (I don't watch a ton of TV and I'm not sure what tv shows he means) I told him that my musical taste and TV taste really has very little to do with him. I like sad songs, happy songs, many kinds. I really liked recently a somewhat sad song and I liked it so much I played it for him, but it made him feel insecure. It didn't have any theme where it seemed to be about us.

I told him I really don't like feeling censored in my music taste or Tv or what I read, I mean come on. It feels controlling.

Also, I am not yet a citizen of this country and i don't have my permanent residency yet. I also am in the process of applying to school to get a degree. It's free here and would not hurt us financially.

He asked me if I'd be willing to postpone school over this. He fears I am using him and might leave him after school. If I postpone, it will be one year at least before I can apply again. I said yes initially, but I feel terrible about this. What difference does it make whether I am in school or not? It will take 4 years or more. The catch is, if we separate during that time, it MIGHT put my education and ability to stay in this country in jeopardy. 

Is this whole situation bad enough to warrant that? My day to day behavior does NOT say I am using him, and I'm NOT. I love him and we are married, that's it. I am NOT moving to NY, nothing like that. I have already quit reading about NY.



Is he really within his rights to ask that I postpone starting school? 

How can I explain that decision to all my loved ones who know I was so excited about going to school? 

How long is reasonable time for this to be an ongoing crisis? 

How long can he keep bringing up not trusting me?

What can I do to prove I am trustworthy?

Am I the one not seeing this clearly and should put up with the suspicion for however long it takes? 


I need help! I need outside views!

Thanks.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

It's Automatic said:


> We have had some bad fights in the last few months.
> *
> In those few months, I have felt in despair after some of the fights. I am really non-confrontational, so I never bring up sensitive subjects, but I can overreact when he brings them up. He usually brings them up in an abrupt way or else sulks for hours until I finally find out what's bothering him. *
> 
> ...


I think your partner knows something is askew in the relationship, but is having trouble putting his finger on it, and this is an easy target. Your perceived ambivalence about the marriage in your posts on the NYC forum is what he can point to to represent the larger issues in your relationship.

I say this because in reading chat logs between my partner and his friends from the months leading up to him cheating on me, he was preoccupied with certain behaviors of mine. Namely that he liked to stay out later than I did, so we would squabble about what time to leave clubs and bars when we were out together. He told people this was a HUGE issue for him, when to me these were minor conflicts we might have once a month. He was also hung up on me not pre-rinsing cereal bowls (he does the dishes). It sounds bizarre, but what was happening was that he knew there were problems in our relationship but couldn't articulate them. So he blamed what was handy.

In our case, it *was* a sign of larger problems. When you can't tolerate basic things like someone's music taste, to the point where you make a huge issue out of it, the problem isn't really the music. 

If I were you I would get into couples counseling. Being non-confrontational can be very destructive to a relationship. It sounds like your partner might have some issues as well with expressing what's really bothering him, and that he deals with his relationship anxiety in the form of controlling behaviors.

All of this is addressable, but please don't be like my partner, who declined to attend couples therapy until things had gone WAY downhill and he realized he was about to lose me. It doesn't have to be that way for you, if you're both willing to work on things now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Asking you to put off school is his way of gaining some control over keeping you. I don't believe it is healthy or a good idea.

The best way to rebuild trust is to have frequent, open, honest talks. Do things together, enjoy each other's company. When you both feel loved in the marriage the trust will normally be there. "Married, for now" would make me feel as if you have one foot out the door...he is trying to get reassurance that you are in it for the long haul.

Do you think that his past emotional abuse has made it difficult for you to fully commit to the marriage long term (in your mind)?


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Agreed, with the other two posters. this is a communication / conrtrol issue. Likely when he feels more secure with your love and the status of the relationship the heavy control feel to things will stop - if not they need dealing with on their own.

Best Wishes


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

When I first started reading your post, I assumed you had "met someone" from NY in one of these forums and developed a close relationship and had started making concrete plans to go "visit."

That example might be a crisis.

This isn't a crisis, although it sounds like you have some things to work through.

I can see where your "for now" statement might have hurt him, but I don't think you should be changing your school plans.

Good luck!


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## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you updated!


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## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

Thanks everyone, I am hoping we will get over this.

To night owl and nice777guy, I am not anywhere close to cheating, I don't chat with anyone or have any male online friends, nothing of the sort. I think that is a situation to avoid because it could be dangerous. (could lead to an affair or at least make your partner uncomfortable)

Yes, there seem to be some deeper problems, which we have talked about.

I have been trying to be as loving as I can, but then I always tried to do that.

He has been trying to over-analyze things from my past before him, such as a roommate I had who I was friends with, so I moved out to preserve our friendship when we started not getting along well. I think that is a different situation.

I think I will wait until things have improved a lot before bringing up school, but my entrance exams are this month, and I find out if I was accepted in July. I will be taking the exams so that I don't lose my chance.

Thanks!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Auto - wasn't trying to accuse you of cheating. That's just how so many of the stories here start.

"I joined this online group and started chatting with people..."

Good luck. The fact that he's overanalyzing and seems so concerned might actually mean that he really cares.


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## It's Automatic (Apr 7, 2010)

Thanks, we'll see how it goes.


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