# What the hell is going on?!



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm tired. So sick of being where I'm at. He left nearly 2 years ago yet here I am still hurt? We go through bouts of not speaking and made it 4 months when he messaged me out of the blue saying that he needed some of his grandparents belongings that he left with me (he had just packed what he could fit into his car and left). Since they are his late grandparents furniture, etc out of respect I kept them and actually planned on using them (they are currently in storage) but he wants them back? Fine. 

I have since changed my number and he didn't have my new one and our minimal communication was through good ole social media. Well he messaged me saying that he was going to delete his Facebook account and did so without me getting a word in so I HAD to text him to ask exactly what he wanted. He did then begins a small chat and says that he's expecting a child....a boy with a woman he's been casually seeing for a few months.

Hit me like a ton of bricks. We had no business doing it but while married we had tried for children unsuccessfully. Well now here he is having one with someone he barely knows and claims to not even get along with. Of course I congratulated him and acted nonchalant but it set me back emotionally and I cried for 2 weeks. I know I should be glad I didn't have children with him but I'm still incredibly hurt and I can't shake it off. I just don't understand why I can't seem to get over him. I keep our conversations business like and I keep asking him when he will come down and get his stuff (he lives 8 hours away) but he keeps saying soon and that he's not sure. He doesn't know it but I plan on cutting everything off once he does. His son is due in November and I don't want to hear about it or see pictures. I can't take it and just need to cut off contact so I can actually heal.

But why after 2 years can't I just be over this?? We were only married for two years so it's just absolutely pathetic that I'm STILL stuck. I haven't dated anyone. I can't. I've been on one date and it didn't work out. I don't want to bury my feelings in some other man and bring excess baggage with me so I'm trying to do this on my own, single. Not working. I can't do this anymore. Every day there are reminders everywhere about how I was the loser who couldn't keep her husband and now though he's unhappy himself, he's obviously moved on. What does it take?!

Thabks for letting me vent. Back to real life I guess...


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Vent away, but you can take actions to help jump start a real recovery.

Put the grandparent's stuff in storage in his name and text him the storage account place. Tell him the account has been paid for one month. After that it is his problem. You don't have to worry about when he comes to get or if he comes to get it. You don't have to hear about his new baby, or anything else.

Then consider changing your number so he can't text you. He's already terminated his social media account. Then there will be no future surprise messages.

I understand the sting you felt from the information he share (and jerk by the way-no reason he had to tell you any of it) He's going on with a life you might have had with him. Might have had-but didn't. Honestly, is he the kind of person you would want to raise a child with? My ex turned into a horrible dead beat dad.

Then go out and start again. Get a new hobby, go to a meetup group, volunteer. Do something besides pining away for what might have been.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I didn't see any place where you mentioned going to therapy. Get some therapy, it really helps to have a disinterested third party listen to you and then question you about them. Friends are great but they are biased. You are having trouble letting go because you are stuck in an endless thought loop. You need to interject some outside perspective into the loop to throw it off track so that you can begin thinking straight again. You might be able to pull out of the death spiral, but it is unlikely. Until you can see someone, go get some self help books, they will also help you start thinking more clearly


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Ynot said:


> I didn't see any place where you mentioned going to therapy. Get some therapy, it really helps to have a disinterested third party listen to you and then question you about them. Friends are great but they are biased. You are having trouble letting go because you are stuck in an endless thought loop. You need to interject some outside perspective into the loop to throw it off track so that you can begin thinking straight again. You might be able to pull out of the death spiral, but it is unlikely. Until you can see someone, go get some self help books, they will also help you start thinking more clearly


I've been to therapy 3 different times. Obviously it hasn't worked. I also used to be on 2 different antidepressants.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> Vent away, but you can take actions to help jump start a real recovery.
> 
> Put the grandparent's stuff in storage in his name and text him the storage account place. Tell him the account has been paid for one month. After that it is his problem. You don't have to worry about when he comes to get or if he comes to get it. You don't have to hear about his new baby, or anything else.
> 
> ...


With the storage unit if he doesn't come it falls back on me. And he'll need the keys. I'm considering having my brothers meet him when he does come. I don't have the drive to do much of anything and most cost money which I can't spare too much of. I won't change my number again--I've done that 3 times already in 2 years. I'll just block him.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I highly recommend finding a therapist, if you're not currently in counseling. While it is totally normal to still feel a twinge over some things, I think it's a little extreme that you're still this stuck after 2 years. It might be best to get some professional guidance to help you move on. 

I also suggest that you find one or more new hobbies or projects to focus on, ones that have nothing to do with your ex-husband. Find even small things that make you smile - paint your toenails a new color every week, try a new haircolor, take up yoga or join a gym, try a new restaurant. Do any healthy and affirming thing you can that makes you happy in the moment and keeps you focused on things other than your ex. 

Are you still in the same home? If so, do anything you can to change that - move if possible, if not, replace the furnishings, paint, rearrange everything or otherwise redecorate. Do as much as you can to make your living space look different than it did when you were married. 

Move all his remaining stuff into a storage unit and pay one month's rent on the unit. Send him a certified letter telling him you've done so and warning him that you will make no further payments. This is not a discussion or negotiation. If he doesn't get his stuff out within the month, it will no longer be your concern. This way, you don't even have to have contact with him over his stuff or even when/if he finally gets around to getting it. 

Change your numbers and emails or simply block him from your phone, email and social media accounts.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I've been to therapy 3 different times. Obviously it hasn't worked. I also used to be on 2 different antidepressants.


With one therapist or three different one? Not that it matters, there are are therapies and therapists that work. Keep trying until you find one. Your alternative is to live out the rest of your life as a bitter, depressed shell of your former self. Please do not allow this to happen. Love yourself first, love your self enough to take care of you. Once you make your self the focus of your attention, all the other stuff starts to fade away.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> With the storage unit if he doesn't come it falls back on me. And he'll need the keys. I'm considering having my brothers meet him when he does come. I don't have the drive to do much of anything and most cost money which I can't spare too much of. I won't change my number again--I've done that 3 times already in 2 years. I'll just block him.


Blocking him is great.

Your solution involves more contact. That's why its not working.

About the storage, you said it was in storage, aren't your currently paying? Just tell him one month and you are sending the keys to his last known address, or whatever address you have. After that-do not pay. He can either come get it, or it will be sold by the storage company. You don't pay, you take no further action.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Pluto2 said:


> Blocking him is great.
> 
> Your solution involves more contact. That's why its not working.
> 
> About the storage, you said it was in storage, aren't your currently paying? Just tell him one month and you are sending the keys to his last known address, or whatever address you have. After that-do not pay. He can either come get it, or it will be sold by the storage company. You don't pay, you take no further action.


I didn't know that's how storage units work. The way the lady spoke to me she made it seem like they would come after me of I don't make the monthly payments as there is no set contract. I will look into it.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Ynot said:


> With one therapist or three different one? Not that it matters, there are are therapies and therapists that work. Keep trying until you find one. Your alternative is to live out the rest of your life as a bitter, depressed shell of your former self. Please do not allow this to happen. Love yourself first, love your self enough to take care of you. Once you make your self the focus of your attention, all the other stuff starts to fade away.


It was three different ones. Now that I'm no longer military I will have to pay for therapy and not sure I could afford that but I'll look into it. Thank you.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I highly recommend finding a therapist, if you're not currently in counseling. While it is totally normal to still feel a twinge over some things, I think it's a little extreme that you're still this stuck after 2 years. It might be best to get some professional guidance to help you move on.
> 
> I also suggest that you find one or more new hobbies or projects to focus on, ones that have nothing to do with your ex-husband. Find even small things that make you smile - paint your toenails a new color every week, try a new haircolor, take up yoga or join a gym, try a new restaurant. Do any healthy and affirming thing you can that makes you happy in the moment and keeps you focused on things other than your ex.
> 
> ...


Thankfully I've since left that home 2,000 miles away. But I had to live there nearly a year after he left and I did make some changes. Trying new things will be tough but I guess I'll just have tk force myself to get a hobby. Even before I met him I didn't do too much so this will all be new to me. Thank you.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Thankfully I've since left that home 2,000 miles away. But I had to live there nearly a year after he left and I did make some changes. Trying new things will be tough but I guess I'll just have tk force myself to get a hobby. Even before I met him I didn't do too much so this will all be new to me. Thank you.


Look up Meetup.com and see if they have any groups in your area. Its free, and totally non-committal on your part. It is an interest group, not a dating place. You can do cooking, biking, music whatever. You get out, meet new people, and get your mind working in a new direction.

You can do it.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Completely agree about Meetup. It's what I did after my divorce and it was great - I got into a hiking group, crochet group, museum-hopping group. What you need is to get distracted from the thought of him. It takes time, but with enough of it, you'll eventually wonder why you wasted so much energy caring about what he did.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> It was three different ones. Now that I'm no longer military I will have to pay for therapy and not sure I could afford that but I'll look into it. Thank you.


I understand the expense. I have to pay for my own as well, as insurance won't cover this. But you have to consider the relatively small expense it really is vs a life time of misery and depression. There are also lots of on line sites and plenty of books you can read to force your mind out of the endlessly repeating loop of negativism you find yourself in.
Although there is no way to ever prove it, I would be willing to bet that if you are able to overcome this issue you will find there are a few more lurking just below the surface as well. When you are able to overcome these your life will just take off and you will leave him in your rear view mirror quickly.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Satya said:


> Completely agree about Meetup. It's what I did after my divorce and it was great - I got into a hiking group, crochet group, museum-hopping group. What you need is to get distracted from the thought of him. It takes time, but with enough of it, you'll eventually wonder why you wasted so much energy caring about what he did.


I'm actually a member though there's not too much I'm interested in. I guess I do need a distraction.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear your ex is such an ass. I found my councilor through our preacher, maybe a possibility if you go to church?
Less expensive for sure.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I don't know if it's a mind thing but since I started this topic I haven't felt any type of emotion towards the situation besides indifference. I'm hoping this lasts because it feels great just letting go and letting things be. I had reminders and purposely thought about it to test myself and found myself shrugging in my head. Some people have told me that one day they woke up and they were just done. I guess time will tell.


----------



## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

Can you share how to reach indifference? Purdy please?


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

honeysuckle04 said:


> Can you share how to reach indifference? Purdy please?


I honestly don't know. I just woke up feeling this way. Could be after all this time my mind is just done with it all. But I'm afraid this "epiphany" is temporary so I'll wait it out and see how it goes.


----------



## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

SepticChange said:


> I don't know if it's a mind thing but since I started this topic I haven't felt any type of emotion towards the situation besides indifference.


I have noticed this too with myself. Seems that just posting some thoughts or having someone to casually converse with seems to relieve the emotional stress. 

"The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference."
I believe I read this on here and for some reason it just stuck in my head. I think this has helped me profoundly too for some reason. Not sure why, but it seems to.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

IDsrvBetr said:


> I have noticed this too with myself. Seems that just posting some thoughts or having someone to casually converse with seems to relieve the emotional stress.
> 
> "The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference."
> I believe I read this on here and for some reason it just stuck in my head. I think this has helped me profoundly too for some reason. Not sure why, but it seems to.


Agreed. I don't hate him anymore. Especially hearing about what a rough time he's having with his life (besides the baby situation). The man is 28 and so lost in life that I can only pity him. He called me last night to say hi and I found myself bored with the conversation and just let him believe that I was tired and needed to go to bed. I didn't mean to answer him actually. I deleted his number last week because I just didn't care to see his name in my phone. So when he called I wasn't paying attention and just saw the numbers and didn't make the connection. I used to have his phone number memorized but I didn't notice the particular area code so I just absently picked up. Stupid I know but it went ok. I'm just over it right now.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not happy in his current relationship (and may not be thrilled about becoming a father). So he's fishing. That's why he called to say "hi". He's trying to see if you have any interest in R (or whatever else he might have in mind). 

It's up to him if he wants his grandparents' furniture so don't contact him any more about it. My guess is he's going to drag that out as an excuse to stay in touch with you. Don't let that happen. 

Getting over someone is a lot easier when there's no contact.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Bingo


----------



## ashford (Aug 30, 2015)

Serve him a letter via lawyer, telling him to come and collect it by such and such. I had to do it myself. 4 months after D. If he wouldn't, then dispose, sell or donate. Cut the cord, his possessions are keeping you tied to him. Toxic. 2 years after D, healthy boundary is what's needed and is overdue. Do your self a favour. Farewell to his stuff and him. Give yourself a permission to move on.


----------



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

UPDATE: I spoke with several different storage units and paying for 1 month and sending him the keys will ultimately fall back on me since I am their client and not him. He would need to be there to sign the papers and put it in his name. He had asked me to send them to him and I said I would when I get the money but I'm not interested in spending money on him for this. It's been over a month and he's been quiet. Not interested in starting conversation so I'll wait it out. I don't want to be that spiteful ex who is hoarding his things but it's not like I'm stopping him from coming here and getting it.


----------

