# Husband likes to party.



## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a 7 year old. He still likes to go party with his cousins every weekend. But I'm getting super uncomfortable with it. They are all single or newly dating people and don't have their kids full time so they can easily do what they want. But I'm always stuck at home and he can just easily go out. Like I don't even have the option. Believe me I would rather be home with my son anyways. But is this un fair? I'm just so insecure about this now. It's driving me crazy. Also he never comes home he stays the night there. And then is just completely hungover all day the next day.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Once in a while would be OK but abandoning you every weekend is uncool.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a 7 year old. He still likes to go party with his cousins every weekend. But I'm getting super uncomfortable with it. They are all single or newly dating people and don't have their kids full time so they can easily do what they want. But I'm always stuck at home and he can just easily go out. Like I don't even have the option. Believe me I would rather be home with my son anyways. But is this un fair? I'm just so insecure about this now. It's driving me crazy. Also he never comes home he stays the night there. And then is just completely hungover all day the next day.


You're right. 

He should be home more.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just tell him he is NOT single, he has responsibilities to YOU and his child. He can't party away the night, and spend the entire weekend hung over. It's not fair to you or your child. 
1. Compromise -- maybe one weekend a month.
2. He CANNOT stay over there -- he needs to be with your family and needs to be awake and capable the entire weekend, so no getting sh*tfaced until he can't drive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Soon, he will become a cheater.
Soon, he will become an alcoholic.
Soon, he will find himself alone, in a jail cell, or dead in a car wreck.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Once in a while would be OK but abandoning you every weekend is uncool.


I agree. And they just party so hard like they are in college and he's almost 41 years old. I just want a mature relationship.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Maybe you could get really *****y and cold after his partying... let the kids destroy the house a bit when he’s gone, and let his laundry go undone... you know- all the stuff wives do to express dissatisfaction.

My wife would be waking my sorry self up.. (hangover or not) and say “I’m running errands so the kids and housework is yours today”.

Fwiw, AA worked wonders on my dad.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

I have done all of that. Problems is he wouldn't care much. I also have ocd so letting the house get messy is not good for me lol. I plan on having a deep conversation with him tonight and we will see how it goes.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

A married man with a child has no business going out partying with a group of single friends. The fact that he stays the night is also concerning.
It sounds like he has always done it though and I guess you have always accepted it?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alycia124 said:


> I plan on having a deep conversation with him tonight and we will see how it goes.


I hope you'll let us know the results of the conversation. Frankly, it sounds like you may have an alcoholic on your hands. If that's the case, get ready for him to blow off your concerns. 

Keep us posted.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Alycia124 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a 7 year old. He still likes to go party with his cousins every weekend. But I'm getting super uncomfortable with it. They are all single or newly dating people and don't have their kids full time so they can easily do what they want. But I'm always stuck at home and he can just easily go out. Like I don't even have the option. Believe me I would rather be home with my son anyways. But is this un fair? I'm just so insecure about this now. It's driving me crazy. Also he never comes home he stays the night there. And then is just completely hungover all day the next day.


I wouldn't want him driving home drunk but I certainly would not want him staying out overnight every weekend. He may be carrying on a completely separate dating life.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Alycia124 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a 7 year old. He still likes to go party with his cousins every weekend. But I'm getting super uncomfortable with it. They are all single or newly dating people and don't have their kids full time so they can easily do what they want. But I'm always stuck at home and he can just easily go out. Like I don't even have the option. Believe me I would rather be home with my son anyways. But is this un fair? I'm just so insecure about this now. It's driving me crazy. Also he never comes home he stays the night there. And then is just completely hungover all day the next day.


That is totally unacceptable. He needs to grow up. You mentioned having a conversation with him. Let him know your expectations clearly.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Apparently he didn't really want to get married or have children. It will likely be counterproductive (and probably dangerous) to confront him or ask him to make any changes or sacrifices. You're better off getting your affairs in order. Get a job, get your own checking account, your own credit cards (if you haven't already) so your credit is established. Then find an attorney.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You may also want to check out a group called Al-Anon. It's a support group for people in love with alcoholics. Before you tell me your DH isn't an addict, go to a meeting. Your eyes will be opened.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a 7 year old. He still likes to go party with his cousins every weekend.
> Also he never comes home he stays the night there.
> And then is just completely hungover all day the next day.


So EVERY weekend he goes out with others, gets drunk, stays over and then comes home hungover for rest of weekend?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> You may also want to check out a group called Al-Anon. It's a support group for people in love with alcoholics. Before you tell me your DH isn't an addict, go to a meeting. Your eyes will be opened.


Be aware AA isn't an automatic source of good info.

It's like if you're a hammer, everything is a nail to you.

Whether he is or isn't an alcoholic, you'll be told he's an alcoholic.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Be aware AA isn't an automatic source of good info.
> 
> It's like if you're a hammer, everything is a nail to you.
> 
> Whether he is or isn't an alcoholic, you'll be told he's an alcoholic.


AA is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is a different group for people in relationships with alcoholics. 

If the husband's drinking is bothering @Alycia124 then his drinking is a problem _for her_. I am not saying he's an alcoholic. I am saying that she needs to educate herself about how his actions affect her & get some support around any decisions she may be contemplating.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Apparently he didn't really want to get married or have children. It will likely be counterproductive (and probably dangerous) to confront him or ask him to make any changes or sacrifices. You're better off getting your affairs in order. Get a job, get your own checking account, your own credit cards (if you haven't already) so your credit is established. Then find an attorney.


yes, good luck trying to 'change' him.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> AA is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is a different group for people in relationships with alcoholics.
> 
> If the husband's drinking is bothering @Alycia124 then his drinking is a problem _for her_. I am not saying he's an alcoholic. I am saying that she needs to educate herself about how his actions affect her & get some support around any decisions she may be contemplating.


I'm familiar with the difference.

Will get the same approach without exception.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

"Also he never comes home *he stays the night there*. And then is just completely hungover all day the next day."

This is way beyond responsible as a husband and father or respectful toward you.
*NO ALL NIGHTERS. * That's single guy stuff, not for a married man with a child.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have a 7 year old. He still likes to go party with his cousins every weekend. But I'm getting super uncomfortable with it. They are all single or newly dating people and don't have their kids full time so they can easily do what they want. But I'm always stuck at home and he can just easily go out. Like I don't even have the option. Believe me I would rather be home with my son anyways. But is this un fair? I'm just so insecure about this now. It's driving me crazy. Also he never comes home he stays the night there. And then is just completely hungover all day the next day.


Is it really every single weekend and how long has this been going on? This is the behavior of a selfish a-hole and maybe an alcoholic. You have to find a way to impress upon him that getting ****faced drunk every weekend to the point he can't drive home is not acceptable.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Alycia124 said:


> I have done all of that. Problems is he wouldn't care much. I also have ocd so letting the house get messy is not good for me lol. I plan on having a deep conversation with him tonight and we will see how it goes.


I see... so you’re OCD and kicking ass and running the house and kids so well by yourself he isn’t needed... kind of giving him a free pass... that’s not good.

Maybe when he comes for some lovin’ you can say “sorry, not in the mood”, “not attracted to party guys”, or “drunks aren’t sexy”, etc..etc. Would he apologize and try to get back in good graces?


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> A married man with a child has no business going out partying with a group of single friends. The fact that he stays the night is also concerning.
> It sounds like he has always done it though and I guess you have always accepted it?


He has definitely always been a party guy. He has slowed down alot compared to when we first met. And I partied alot too but once our son came in the picture I slowed down and just enjoy on occasions. He says he can't help wanting to be with his family and I get that but I also believe it's full blown alcoholism.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

YOU are his family now. If he doesn’t want to spend his time with you and his child - that is a huge problem.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alycia124 said:


> I also believe it's full blown alcoholism.


He may very well not agree with your belief. It's up to you to determine how his actions are affecting your life. 

Have you ever dealt with an alcoholic before? Perhaps a relative? There's a reason I ask, because people who grow up seeing alcoholism in action often end up married to an alcoholic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

S


Alycia124 said:


> He has definitely always been a party guy. He has slowed down alot compared to when we first met. And I partied alot too but once our son came in the picture I slowed down and just enjoy on occasions. He says he can't help wanting to be with his family and I get that but I also believe it's full blown alcoholism.


So basically you have changed but he hasn't. Do you think he may say that you knew what he was like when you got married? 

Does he drink during the week or is it just the Saturday nights? I would be more concerned about the women he meets personally.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Nothing good will ever come from his behavior, and he is too immature to care. It's very suspect that he is partying to such a degree that he doesn't come home, makes me wonder if there's drugs or other women involved. There is something he likes better than being home with his wife and kid, it's a choice he is making.

Another concern is the potential of his behavior blowing up your life. Infidelity, STDs, alcoholism, abandonment, financial ruin, child neglect, jail/prison, etc.

Even if you want to keep living together and stay in a relationship with him maybe you should divorce him and separate yourself financially. That way there is a legal and financial separation between you two so when things really go bad for him he won't drag you and your child down with him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Cooper said:


> Nothing good will ever come from his behavior, and he is too immature to care. It's very suspect that he is partying to such a degree that he doesn't come home, makes me wonder if there's drugs or other women involved. There is something he likes better than being home with his wife and kid, it's a choice he is making.
> 
> Another concern is the potential of his behavior blowing up your life. Infidelity, STDs, alcoholism, abandonment, financial ruin, child neglect, jail/prison, etc.
> 
> Even if you want to keep living together and stay in a relationship with him maybe you should divorce him and separate yourself financially. That way there is a legal and financial separation between you two so when things really go bad for him he won't drag you and your child down with him.


This is a good point. By separating legally from him and pushing for complete legal custody of your child, even while still living together, you have the ability to get yourself and your child out of that bad situation if things go south.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> S
> So basically you have changed but he hasn't. Do you think he may say that you knew what he was like when you got married?
> 
> Does he drink during the week or is it just the Saturday nights? I would be more concerned about the women he meets personally.


He has said that to me! He says I have always been like this. And yes he drinks all the time. We both know he has a drinking problem.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

Cindywife said:


> So EVERY weekend he goes out with others, gets drunk, stays over and then comes home hungover for rest of weekend?


Yup. He goes to his cousins house. A bunch of dudes usually and maybe their random gf.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> He has said that to me! He says I have always been like this. And yes he drinks all the time. We both know he has a drinking problem.


When a person says they will always be like this, they are telling you that they didn't consider a marriage to be a reason to stop being single.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> You're right.
> 
> He should be home more.


not to mention the fact that it sets a bad example of being a father to his kid.
But also - it’s completely disrespectful to you - as his wife! The fact that he checks out every weekend and avoids being able to spend time with you (and his child) would be terribly hurtful!!!

if he wishes to act single - make sure he becomes single! You don’t have a husband (he’s absent!) you have a man child.

why isn’t he WANTING to be with you? I would demand to know!

does he do drugs?


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

I really appreciate everyone's response. We had a talk and I told him it's completely unacceptable to keep going out and parting all the time. He has to make a choice. He can always go see his cousins I wouldn't keep him from being with family. But it needs to change to a couple beers or playing golf. Or going fishing. And I need a mature man in my life and our sons life or it won't work out. He says he's going to try. We will see. This Friday is his birthday. I do love him and he I'd an amazing dad. I hope that it will all work out. He said he would try to get sober by Christmas!


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> not to mention the fact that it sets a bad example of being a father to his kid.
> But also - it’s completely disrespectful to you - as his wife! The fact that he checks out every weekend and avoids being able to spend time with you (and his child) would be terribly hurtful!!!
> 
> if he wishes to act single - make sure he becomes single! You don’t have a husband (he’s absent!) you have a man child.
> ...


He has a drinking problem. And smokes pot. I wouldn't care if he just smoked pot.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Alycia124 said:


> He has a drinking problem. And smokes pot. I wouldn't care if he just smoked pot.


why haven’t you divorced him? He’s not being a husband.
Does he earn as much money as you do?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Alycia124 said:


> He has a drinking problem. And smokes pot. I wouldn't care if he just smoked pot.


Pot is pretty damaging as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Alycia124 said:


> He has a drinking problem. And smokes pot. I wouldn't care if he just smoked pot.


He needs to get clean. And he needs to be an adult. only room for one child in your family. And that job's already taken.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> Yup. He goes to his cousins house. A bunch of dudes usually and maybe their random gf.


I wouldn't put up with this behavior. He's abandoning you on weekends to play with his friends.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Alycia124 said:


> and he I'd an amazing dad.


No, he isn't. An Amazing dad isn't an alcoholic, isn't going off partying every weekend, and doesn't spend his waking weekend hours with the kids drunk or high or hungover.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> I really appreciate everyone's response. We had a talk and I told him it's completely unacceptable to keep going out and parting all the time. He has to make a choice. He can always go see his cousins I wouldn't keep him from being with family. But it needs to change to a couple beers or playing golf. Or going fishing. And I need a mature man in my life and our sons life or it won't work out. He says he's going to try. We will see. This Friday is his birthday. I do love him and *he I'd an amazing dad*. I hope that it will all work out. He said he would try to get sober by Christmas!


Honey. No.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alycia124 said:


> He said he would try to get sober by Christmas!


Yeah, we hear that often in A.A.: "I'm making a plan to have a plan." Here's the deal: He can't get sober on his own. Granted, he may go the white-knuckle route and turn into a dry drunk. Then you get to see that a drunk asshole who stops drinking is just a plain ole' asshole.

I was married to an alcoholic. And the most important thing I ever learned was to stop having conversations with him. I couldn't make him see he had a problem. And if you think your husband is saying he has a problem but isn't getting REALLY serious about quitting, I can tell you he's just blowing smoke up your ass. Sorry, but it's just the fact of addiction.

And if your husband is truly an alcoholic, he can't have a few beers with the boys on a fishing trip. Why? Because one drink is too many and a million drinks is never enough.

ETA: I agree with what others have already said. An "amazing" dad isn't a drunk pot-head. Sad, but true.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If he doesn’t start making changes now…you should leave him.
Christmas? Why not right now? He can realize you don’t find his behavior acceptable. If you give him 3+ more weeks to make serious changes = that means he isn’t taking your words seriously... and he intends to continue disrespecting you for at least 25 more days. Don’t agree to that! 
It also means he’s choosing the alcohol over your happiness for the next 25 days. That would tell me everything I need to understand.
He may need supervised detox if he a heavy drinker.
If he doesn’t prioritize you and your child over alcohol he may never intend to get/stay sober.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If he was serious about quitting he would start today. But gosh this weekend being his birthday what can a guy do? I mean his buddies got the entire weekend planned, lots of booze and good weed, he can't let his buds down. Right?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d be checking to see if they are doing coke with the alcohol.
Seriously, why does he need to PLAN to spend the night away from home? He’s abandoning his family every weekend! He plans to get so screwed up that he can’t possibly participate with his own wife and child each weekend? I don’t know any spouse that would be ok with that? Why haven’t you done things to change this before now?
How old is your child?


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> AA is for the alcoholic. Al-Anon is a different group for people in relationships with alcoholics.
> 
> If the husband's drinking is bothering @Alycia124 then his drinking is a problem _for her_. I am not saying he's an alcoholic. I am saying that she needs to educate herself about how his actions affect her & get some support around any decisions she may be contemplating.


I know for a fact he is an alcoholic. He has also admitted it. I find empty bottle hidden in our house alot.


Beach123 said:


> I’d be checking to see if they are doing coke with the alcohol.
> Seriously, why does he need to PLAN to spend the night away from home? He’s abandoning his family every weekend! He plans to get so screwed up that he can’t possibly participate with his own wife and child each weekend? I don’t know any spouse that would be ok with that? Why haven’t you done things to change this before now?
> How old is your child?


Our son is 7. I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Alycia124 said:


> I agree. And they just party so hard like they are in college and he's almost 41 years old. I just want a mature relationship.



You rejected the nice guys. Put them in the friendzone. Allowed them to orbit for attention. Those stable predictable guys. You liked the bad boy. he was fun, attractive, untamed and exciting. He'll slow down in his 70s when ED hits. You'll probably have to hang in there a while longer.

End result. Bad Boys don't change. Nor do they seek mature relationships. They do as they please. That's why they are alphas.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So if he has rom used before and not followed through, why aren’t you divorcing him?
Do you work? Enough to support yourself?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> Our son is 7. I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.


You've threatened and not done anything. Threats with no follow through are just noise.

You have a responsibility to your child. This is not a healthy environment for him. Your first and most important responsibility in your life is to protect your child.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> So if he has rom used before and not followed through, why aren’t you divorcing him?
> Do you work? Enough to support yourself?


I actually own my own business with my mom. Sadly my salary isn't enough to live with out his at this time. We live in Colorado and it's very expensive but we get by. He has absolutely no connection to my business though beside just supporting what I do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alycia124 said:


> I know for a fact he is an alcoholic. He has also admitted it. I find empty bottle hidden in our house alot.


If you are looking for bottles, stop doing that immediately. It solves nothing. Hopefully, you will listen to what I have to tell you. My husband - now dead from alcoholism - admitted he was an alcoholic numerous times. So what? Admitting it only serves the purpose of getting people to leave him alone. My husband admitted it in A.A. meetings, in rehab, in the emergency room, to me, to his doctor, blah, blah, blah. UNLESS THE ALCOHOLIC TAKES DEFINITE STEPS TO ADDRESS THEIR ALCOHOLISM, THEY WILL CONTINUE IN THEIR ADDICTION.



Alycia124 said:


> I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.


Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!!!! You have no business trying to "get" him to stop. You don't own his alcoholism. So lay off getting into his addiction. He owns that - NOT YOU. He will quit if he wants to quit. And you? My god, woman, you should be in an Al-Anon meeting like yesterday! 

Threatening to end a relationship "millions of times" tells me you are just as sick as him. That's not a boundary, it's merely an empty threat. So stop with the empty threats. If you find his alcoholism something you can't live with, then you leave. Quit with the empty threats - they mean zip.

Why do I advocate for Al-Anon? Because it will give you the tools to detach, own what is yours to own, work on yourself, and learn to set healthy boundaries. At this point all you have is a sh-show with everyone floundering and getting nowhere. 

Welcome to the disease of alcoholism. Get better and healthy or get dragged under. Your life. Your choice


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> I actually own my own business with my mom. Sadly my salary isn't enough to live with out his at this time. We live in Colorado and it's very expensive but we get by. He has absolutely no connection to my business though beside just supporting what I do.


 Can you and your son move in with your mother temporarily? (Is that too nosey a question? If it's rude, tell me please.)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Can't live on your salary alone? Find a healthy support system. They are out there. SNAP. Rent assistance. Family members who will let you live with them for awhile.

Hell, I lived in a 200 square foot room over a horse barn. C'mon ... if you want to get out, you will start being proactive to get out.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

I honestly think I'm just to scared. And yes I have support if and when I would need it. I feel like this is way harder. Hes still a big party of my life and my whole family's life. He helps my mom and my grandma. He has a good relationship with my brother and my dad. I love his family. I would do anything to actually make this work out.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> I honestly think I'm just to scared. And yes I have support if and when I would need it. I feel like this is way harder. Hes still a big party of my life and my whole family's life. He helps my mom and my grandma. He has a good relationship with my brother and my dad. I love his family. I would do anything to actually make this work out.


It's not about you. It's about your son. This is what adulthood is: doing things you don't want to do, that you're scared to do, because it's the right thing to do.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's not about you. It's about your son. This is what adulthood is: doing things you don't want to do, that you're scared to do, because it's the right thing to do.


My son would be heartbroken if we split up. I get that it's about him but he would never want to see his parents not together.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> My son would be heartbroken if we split up. I get that it's about him but he would never want to see his parents not together.


Well you're assuming that if you take a big step like moving in with your mom to show you're serious that your husband won't see what his drinking is doing to his life and decide he really does want to get better. You also seem to be assuming you won't get any support from his family or yours when this comes out. If you guys are a big close family, I bet you're not the only one seeing what is going on. The thing is, you're his wife, and you'd know better than anyone else if it was really a problem. It's entirely possible that if you talk to your mom, maybe someone in his family you're close to, not to say "he's an alcoholic" but just something like, "I have a concern, he's away every weekend, he's hungover the rest of the time and doesn't spend time with his son, I'm finding bottles, do you think I'm overreacting?" You might find that you're not as alone as you think you are. I'd start with your mom, if I were you. It sounds like a big, close, happy family situation and I can't imagine they don't love and want the best for him AND for you, but they can't help you if they don't know anything is wrong. 

Remember, though, I'm a stranger on the internet. You know your situation better than I possibly can. I'm just making suggestions based on what you're saying is going on, it's ultimately up to you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alycia124 said:


> My son would be heartbroken if we split up. I get that it's about him but he would never want to see his parents not together.


So stay. But it would behoove you to check out Al-Anon. It would also be beneficial to get counseling. As great as everyone thinks your husband is, if he keeps up the drinking/smoking, he'll pay the price. Just so you'll know ... my husband was an army officer. He was in peak physical condition. He dropped dead at 57. The body can only take so much abuse.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Alycia124 said:


> My son would be heartbroken if we split up. I get that it's about him but he would never want to see his parents not together.


Your son will be even more heartbroken as he gets older and understands that dad chooses his booze over relationships with his wife and his son.
Do you know what that does to any kid? You may find out!
go to Al Anon. Get individual therapy. You willingly choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship knowing your husband doesn’t want to spend time at home with you.

Your self esteem needs your attention. His behavior is unacceptable and you’ve made it look acceptable to a 7 year old. Get your son therapy too. He needs to understand there is everything wrong with his dad and not him. You don’t want your son blaming himself.

work on healthy boundaries - you have none.

by staying when he continues his behavior - you are rewarding his bad behavior. He’s banking on the fact that you won’t get strong enough = you won’t change a thing.

if he wants to act single - he should be single.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Alycia124 said:


> My son would be heartbroken if we split up. I get that it's about him but he would never want to see his parents not together.


Start reading ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) stories. There are quite a few ACOA groups/forums on the internet. I know the subReddit gets a lot of traffic. ACOA frequently tell stories about the dad's they and everyone loved. Most of those stories aren't about physical abuse, but the damage done by their alcoholic parent's behavior. Happy drunks are just as damaging as the other kind. It's just that the damage is a bit more subtle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Alycia124 said:


> I honestly think I'm just to scared. And yes I have support if and when I would need it. I feel like this is way harder. Hes still a big party of my life and my whole family's life. He helps my mom and my grandma. He has a good relationship with my brother and my dad. I love his family. I would do anything to actually make this work out.


Love isn't enough. Read what you wrote - how helpful can he be when he spends one day partying and the next hung over. He is not an active participant in your life. How about you enlist his family who you love so much to actually curtail the partying. They don't give a crap about you or your son or themselves. They are all deeply dysfunctional.

Be the responsible parent and remove your son from harm. Do you want your son to grow up and mirror his father's behavior?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Alycia124 said:


> *They are all single or newly dating people and don't have their kids full time so they can easily do what they want.*



How is that ANY different than the man-child you married? He's free every weekend (like some frat kid in college) to go play with his friends and stay out all night long - child-free and wife-free. Why on EARTH do you allow this disrespect week after week?

What's so special about this ass that you're willing to be treated as "less than" and disrespected over and over?

Don't be surprised when you find out Peter Pan has been up to no good on those nights he doesn't come home. I *highly *doubt he has to worry about his cousin or the other guys running to you and 'telling on him.'

Personally, I wouldn't let this guy near me with a 10-foot pole. Who knows what the hell he's picked up.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Alycia124 said:


> _*I know for a fact he is an alcoholic. He has also admitted it. I find empty bottle hidden in our house alot.
> 
> Our son is 7. I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.*_


Do know one thing, OP.

It's *your* job to provide a healthy, positive environment for your son to grow up in. But you continue to desperately hold onto this* disrespectful drunk* for dear life - as you've obviously done for years now because you're STILL there - and that means your poor son gets dragged along for the ride because he has no CHOICE in the matter, and will be forced to grow up in a completely dysfunctional household. All because YOU want to cling like grim death to a drunk who can't even show you the damned respect most of us show the common fruit fly.

How about you put your son's needs *FIRST* and _your_ needs second? Because you're not doing that at all as long as you continue to cling to this loser.

Just a thought.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Alycia124 said:


> I know for a fact he is an alcoholic. He has also admitted it. I find empty bottle hidden in our house alot.
> 
> Our son is 7. I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.


Go to an Al-Anon meeting. You will learn more about boundaries. 

At present your husband has not hit rock bottom. He doesn't want to stop drinking. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP I say this for the sake of your son, and from a place of personal experience since I grew up in an alcoholic home. It will do more harm to your son raising him in a home with an active alcoholic/semi absent father than in a home of divorce. I could write pages and pages of miserable horrible stories to validate what I am saying.

Yes it is possible for your husband to get sober and become a responsible husband and parent, but it is going to take work. The key is it's work he wants to put in, not because you threaten or plead with him, but because he realises he is f-ing up life. Typically that's when you hear the term "rock bottom".

Your position needs to be hope for the best but plan for the worst.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The OP has no intention of leaving her loser of a husband. I sure hope her child doesn't look to this alkie/pot head as a role model. Unfortunately, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

And frankly I'm baffled as to why she would stay with someone like this. He treats her like crap. Denial. It's a powerful force.


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## Alycia124 (Nov 30, 2021)

Ok people! Chill out. I was looking for some advise and maybe to chance to talk to someone in the same situation. but alot of you have gotten so rude and out of hand. Yes he has a drinking problem and yes it is an issue that he still likes to party on the weekend. He has some growing up to do. I love a man with an addiction and I'm not afraid to say it. But this man also works hard and loves his son more then anything in the world. In fact we have been looking at detox programs all day. You guys have really jumped to conclusions way fast without even knowing our family. Hes not abusive or mean to us at all. Hes will to change with the fact he might lose his family. Shame on all you. Well some were nice but alot of you are just mean!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, shame on you for enabling your husband and father of your son to kill himself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If he loves his alcohol as much as I think he does - he’s going to need to understand fully well he’s going to lose his family if he continues drinking. 
most that love it don’t just quit for the heck of it.
You’ve already begged and pleaded in the past - what makes you think this time he will do it?
Move out with your son. Stay gone a long long time - to see if he really changes long term. It’s hard to quit - but always possible if the person quitting really really wants to for the right reasons.

what are you afraid of? Rely on your family for support for a year and see if he really changes.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Alycia124 said:


> Ok people! Chill out. I was looking for some advise and maybe to chance to talk to someone in the same situation. but alot of you have gotten so rude and out of hand. Yes he has a drinking problem and yes it is an issue that he still likes to party on the weekend. He has some growing up to do. I love a man with an addiction and I'm not afraid to say it. But this man also works hard and loves his son more then anything in the world. In fact we have been looking at detox programs all day. You guys have really jumped to conclusions way fast without even knowing our family. Hes not abusive or mean to us at all. Hes will to change with the fact he might lose his family. Shame on all you. Well some were nice but alot of you are just mean!


please don’t consider it mean that people point out -> that a father leaves his son each weekend and gets so hammered he is of NO value to that son and his wife for the whole weekend. I’d say it’s MEAN that your husband robs his family a chance to spend time with him…every weekend.

why are you defending his bad behavior? You shouldn’t!!!
And I’m glad he’s considering rehab. It’s a long tough road. I’ve been sober nearly 14 years - I loved my alcohol too. But I now love being sober even more. It wasn’t easy. It was worth it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Alycia124 said:


> I know for a fact he is an alcoholic. He has also admitted it. I find empty bottle hidden in our house alot.
> 
> Our son is 7. I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.


You have threatened to end many times it but he knows you won't.

Personally I would hire a PA to see exactly what he gets up to at the weekends.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Alycia124 said:


> I was looking for some advise and maybe to chance to talk to someone in the same situation.


I've been in the same situation. I know of what I speak. Perhaps you are looking for advice. But my take on it is you want someone to tell you it's okay to stay with a drunk pot head. Sorry, I won't be doing that.



Alycia124 said:


> You guys have really jumped to conclusions way fast without even knowing our family.


I've posted in response to what you have written here. Don't like the answers? Then don't ask the questions. I don't know your family. But I have more than 25 years attending open A.A. meetings and Al-Anon meetings. I married TWO alcoholics. Yeah, I know what I'm talking about.

Your husband is an addict. Sure, you can love an addict. I did. But unless he gets into a serious program of recovery - and I mean SERIOUS - you are in for a butt load of hurt. I know. I've lived it.


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## OskaBatha (10 d ago)

Indeed, partying every weekend when he has a family is too much. If the husband cannot refuse parties, then make sure that he is tired of parties or has a bad feeling remembering them.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Alycia124 said:


> Ok people! Chill out. I was looking for some advise and maybe to chance to talk to someone in the same situation. but alot of you have gotten so rude and out of hand. Yes he has a drinking problem and yes it is an issue that he still likes to party on the weekend. He has some growing up to do. I love a man with an addiction and I'm not afraid to say it. But this man also works hard and loves his son more then anything in the world. In fact we have been looking at detox programs all day. You guys have really jumped to conclusions way fast without even knowing our family. Hes not abusive or mean to us at all. Hes will to change with the fact he might lose his family. Shame on all you. Well some were nice but alot of you are just mean!


Your commitment to marriage is commendable and appreciated. It is much easier to opt out from difficult situations than to address them. But one should try his/her best for the sake of preserving the family unit. 

Stay put on pushing him to consider alchohol rehab and your situation might change for the better. Remind him that your son is growing up and he will judge you, learn from you, and your habits will affect him. Remind him that you do not want to see your son becoming an alchoholic (you shouldn't).

And talk to him about having outings with you and to find friends who are married for a change.

Just one thing:



Alycia124 said:


> I know for a fact he is an alcoholic. He has also admitted it. I find empty bottle hidden in our house alot.
> 
> Our son is 7. I have tired endlessly to get him to stop I have threatened ending our relationship millions of times.


When you see that a lengthy spell of normal arguments do not produce the desired effect of convincing your spouse to address his unproductive habit then prepare yourself to do something more.

Start with in-house separation. If it produce the desired effect in some days then return to normal. If not then be willing to escalate further by contemplating actual separation as a last resort to bring the spouse to his senses. Absence of family at home can be a solid reminder to any man that he cannot take his loved-ones for granted anymore. Hopefully this won't be necessary.

Best wishes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"As the OP hasn't been back since 2021, this is a thread that needs putting to bed" says ZC.


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