# Rough Time In A New Marriage



## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

_To make a long story short:_ My Wife and I first met online when she was living overseas in Japan at the age of 11. We chatted it up on and off until I ended up needing a place to stay and she was near by -- being an old online friend from her childhood I stayed over, and one thing lead to another.

We got married in Sept. of 2007 after living with each other since 2004. We've had our ups and down but found enough in common with love to make it work. Recently we hit a rough time in both our lives and it has sent us downhill fast.

I'm unable to make right every wrong in our relationship and feel like I'm constantly getting the finger of blame. I admit, I haven't been perfect -- but I've always loved her. The past month has been nothing short of hell and we're at each others throats forced into a long distance relationship to make things worse -- her being very sensitive and me being very emotional. I think we're falling apart.

We've been married for so little but together for so long now. I honestly can't see myself with another woman, but I feel like I'm the only one left in our relationship. At the end of the day, and at the end of every argument I feel as if I'm the only one who really wants us to succeed, and this marriage to work. I'm always at fault and to blame. One day it seems we're fine and happy. The next we want to kill each other.

I don't want to work towards a one-sided marriage and I'm not sure what to do from here. She's stuck by me through so much, but now I feel as if she's just giving up and leaving me holding the door. It's really hard thinking about being single, going through a divorce at only 25. We're both still young, but I've never been more in love with her. She once felt the same.

She was up crying tonight and called me to tell me good night. I could tell she had been crying for a long time. She took a few sleeping pills (_No, she's not trying to do *THAT*_) and we talked for a couple minutes until she almost feel asleep on the phone.

She told me I shouldn't have to change the way I am so much, and how I act to be with someone. I told her I'll always love her and I want us to work out, but we have to work at this marriage together. I asked her if she believes in us and can see us having a happy life in the future and she said she hopes so but she's not sure.

I'm not sure what I'm left to do, or really feel. I've never given up on us, and just the thought of even legal separation makes my stomach turn. Am I just being too pushy? I can't force her to continue to believe that we will have a happy life together. I see the future, and it's worth working towards but I'm afraid her dreams aren't always as happy sometimes....

Looking for advice. Thank you.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Hmmm, just finished listening to a Billy Joel song while writing reports in my office and I came across your post. I'm not a real fan of pop music, but anyway Richard, here are the lyrics:

Listen boy I don't want to see you
Let a good thing slip away
You know I don't like watching anybody
Make the same mistakes I made
She's a real nice girl and she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you should do

Listen boy I'm sure that you think
You got it all under control
You don't want somebody telling you
The way to stay in someone's soul
You're a big boy now and you'll never let her go
But that's just the kind of thing she ought to know

Tell her about it, tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept that you're for real
Tell her about it, tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her, let her know how much she means

Listen boy, it's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself, you've got to provide
Communication constantly
When you love someone, you're always insecure
And there's only one good way to reassure

Tell her about it, let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you, tell her you wish you were there
Tell her about it, everyday before you leave
Pay her some attention, give her something to believe

Cause now and then, she'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't spoken for so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when she's gone

Listen boy, it's good information
From a man who's made mistakes
Just a word or two that she gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes
She's a trusting soul, she's put her trust in you
But a girl like that won't tell you what you should do

Tell her about it, tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept that you're for real
Tell her about it, tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her, let her know how much she means

Tell her about it
Tell her how you feel right now
Just tell her about it
The girl don't want to wait too long
You got to tell her about it
Tell her now and you won't go wrong
You got to tell her about it
Before it gets too late
You got to tell her about it
You know the girl don't want to wait
You got to tell her about it
You got to tell, tell, tell her about it
Tell her about it

Richard I screwed my marriage up by being stoic. I thought I could man up by myself, and put other things in front of my wife and my marriage. Consider sending her a copy of your post. I found it sincere and touching. The one thing I learned in my train wreck of a marriage was that everything I felt she pretty much felt as well. As you want to save your marriage, I am sure she wants to save your marriage as well, and there are seasons in everything... even love. Be patient, be kind, be supportive, and in time she will come around. Keep your lines of communication open and learn a few corny knock knock jokes. Market yourself and market your love to her. Don't stalk her but convince her how you feel. "Tell her about it." Go and reread some of your old love letters and try to get in touch with your mindset when you were courting her and begin to court her again. As you still have love in your heart, I think you will be ok if you begin to work at your relationship with the passion and attention it deserves. Refrain from being negative, abstain from being resentful or bitter, and remain being faithful.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

RW:

Many people think marriage is always going to be smooth and feel good all the time. It is so untrue. Marriage is like life, up and down, some rough, some smooth. Sometimes smooth for a long time, sometimes rough for a long time.

The key is commitment. Dogged commitment.

Last: Really beautiful post. I hope you and your wife make it, I am sure you can be a wonderful husband.


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## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

She called me early this morning to say "Goodnight" and that she loved me. I guess she had been fighting the sleeping pills. When we spoke it was like we were just friends. I felt no real emotion on the other end of the phone and I broke down and tried to hide my tears.

I told her I felt like this was the end and that she had given up on us. I told her I hadn't sleep all night, tossing and turning. She told me I should find something more productive to do with my time than worry over her.

She tells me I never showed her enough affection until everything comes crashing down and she's right. I don't realize things until the 11th hour and it has been a curse of mine not just in this relationship. One minute she's telling me she's trying to keep us together and the next she's telling me to almost get her off my mind and that I shouldn't be in a state of depression over our failing marriage.

I'm so very confused by all this...


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## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

I called her later today after last night to try and seek some closure on what's going on but she doesn't want to talk about our marriage or what we're going through. She said she just wants to have a normal conversation. She said we have problems and they're not going to be worked out overnight -- asked if I wanted her to lie to me to make me feel better and tell me everything's okay.

I guess I'm just coming to realization that we may never get our problems worked out. Sure, I want to fix everything overnight and make everything right but I can't fix it all. And she is right, it's not going to happen overnight if it ever does. I guess the only thing I can do is be there for her and for us, and hope for the best. I never want to give up on her like I have given up other things.

Thanks for everyone's response. We'll see what happens....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Richard Ward said:


> _I'm unable to make right every wrong in our relationship and feel like I'm constantly getting the finger of blame. I admit, I haven't been perfect -- but I've always loved her. _


_

what is she always blaming you for? what is it that she thinks you did to hurt the relationship?_


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## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

I don't listen to her as often as I should. Some of it is me not putting her first and over the years I have changed. Unfortunately I'm not sure the change was fast enough.

We talked just earlier today and didn't talk about our relationship -- everything seemed fine. We ended with "I love you" and she's going to call me after dinner. We talked like we always do. I know nothing has been resolved though.


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## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

I'm going to counseling for my issues with not remembering things she says to me and why I have a hard time expressing myself. She was taken aback at the suggestion of us both going to see a shrink (I told her "Relationship Coach") and basically, without saying it -- that I'm the crazy one who needs help. While I'm not sure how that's going to help us, this is going to help me. Whether or not she will notice it I'm unsure.

I guess it's a start. I still believe there may be some "we" in the problems and not just "I" but I do admit it isn't the first time I've considered seeing a professional and who knows maybe it'll help.


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