# Mother in law ruining my marriage



## Mike B (Dec 20, 2011)

I need some advice. I got married back in 1997 and After we had our own place for 12 years, where we were happy, I decided to offer to get a big house and have my wifes parents move in it with us to help them out. Also let me tell you that, my 86 year old father in laws mother and her down syndrome son would also move in. 

I wanted to give my own family a nicer house and figurerd that this wpould be a good move. After we moved out of my house, we lived with my parents for 10 months until the new house was bult. That was difficult for my wife as we had no privacy and my mom is sorta a controller. So, after the house was built, we moved in. My 2 kids and wife and i are upstairs, and my inlaws and the grandmother down stairs. Let me give you a brief history with my inlaws. my wife was adopted by Italians and her biological parents abondend the kids on a breach at an early age. So she feels in debt to them to this day for saving her life. Anways my mother in law is a hard core new york italian and verbally abused my wife and her two brothers growing up. She has major OCD issues with the house and put the house first before the kids. I could write a book, but let me just tell you she was very very verbally abusive. Now, the grandmother gave us 50,000 to put down on the house to buy it. After buying it, and moving in i could see why my wife was miserable and had issues with her mom during her childhood just after a short time living with them. We are paying all the bills here, and its like were allowed to live with them, theres alot of rules in living here. iam grown man, and feel like a little kid. My mother inlaw has come up stairs and called my wife and I pigs and slobs behind our backs in front of my kids. She has talked to my 12 year old like **** too, callng her a pig and the term "slop of the week". I have never spoken my peace to her out of repect of my wife. She has taken my girls drawers and dumped them on her bed and demanded to put them correctly where she wanted them. The grandma is HATED by my mother inlaw and they fight at the dinner table almost every night, in from my my kids. 

This went on for a year solid. After i while i stopped going downstairs to eat with them as i cant stand it anymore. My wife and I have severe financial stress with the burden with this house brings on us. She works till 8 comes home and by then my kids have eaten, and me, well i do my own thing. So i have no family unity at all. My wife feels like we need to move out too and move on because she sees how depressed and angry i am for taking this treatement from inlaws. It is hurting my marriage and i worship my wife, cuz i love her to death. My mother inlaw constantly walks around saying, God i gotta get outta here! That shows no repsecpt for the blood sweat and tears my wife and i are going through to help them. All of our friends agree that this is a extremley toxic situation and that we need to move out for our own family survival. 

So iam done. I dont want a ruined marriage because of living with inlaws. We have told them that we need to move out because this is all too much for us. My wife agrees but at the same time she fees like we are stealing the money her grandma gave us, and worries about her parents to the pont that its making her sick. Its a very unhealthy unhappy home and I cant do it anymore. We have agreed that, all of us, including the inlaws tht we need to put the house for sale and that they will move into the grandmas paid off condo that they are renting out. I have been really emotional and crazy lately and my wife needs support from me. Iam trying so hard, abut it boils down to the fact that i cant tolerate my family being broken up during the week, and I cant live with my inlaws anymore. My mother in law has beat on our door at night telling us to turn down the tv and etc.. I mean i am paying for them to live here and this is what i get! I want to be out less than a year, and my wfe doesnt want us to give my inlaws a time table. Honeslty, i cant live in this situation for more than a year. I dont want to leave without my fammily, but its constant chaos here. My father in law is constantly yelling at the grandma because shes super annoying and every time i go down stairs into the kitchen, she asks me everything that i am doing. My father in law who is an amazing man by the way, watches TV 8 hours a day and my mother inlaw sleeps till 4 to 5pm. My wife and I are killing ourselves and I feel like they are doing nothing to help, and I am starting to resent them. I just cant do it anymore. 

I feel like this is ruining my youth and my marriage. We are still young and want to have peole over and stuff and we cant even do that because of the noise, and plus they are older. You can feel the tension in the air with just my mothew inlaw living here. We need relief soon or else I feel something bad will happen. Can you guys give me your thoughts? I dont want to give my wife an ultimatium, but i feel like, if im not outta this toxic situation, that ill just have to move out for my own sanity. I cant imgaine that though. My wife and kids are my life. 

It seems like my wife is hoping that this situation juts heals itself and things change overnight, which wont happen. shes exhausting all options to stay here, until someone drops dead or gets separated or divorced. I dont want to think she would rather let our marriage go to hell over them, but sometimes it feels that way. i know she loves me and she knows this living situation has to go, but then wants to fight until her bitter death. She said her Italian family believes to support inlwas/family members even it means your demise... what the hell!?! Help!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that the grandmother gave you 50K but now you pay all the bills for all the in-laws.. like 3 generations of them?

How many square feet are in this house. How many in-laws are there? 4-6?

If you are paying all the bills, why not have them all move to the townhouse as soon as they can. The money you save supporting the entire crew you can pay grandma to pay back the 50K.. or sell the house eventually and give grandma the 50K back then.

As for your wife's adoptive parent's attitude that they saved your wife's life? Get real.. how old is your wife? We dopted a son in 1989. At that time there were 36 families looking to adopt for each child available for adoption. It sounds to me like it's your in-laws who got lucky, not your wife... there were probably about 35 other families... not so nutty ones who she could have ended up with.

To this day I consider myself to be the lucky one to have the chance to raise a wonderful son.

That old bit about 'saving' an adopted kid it nonsense from the old days when kids were abandoned in the streets of cities like NYC by the thousands... in the late 1800's.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So tell me again why you are moving out?

Kick them out and pay grandma the 50,000 back.

Or just kick them all out except grandma, she doesn`t sound like such a pain in the ass.


----------



## Mike B (Dec 20, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You say that the grandmother gave you 50K but now you pay all the bills for all the in-laws.. like 3 generations of them?
> 
> How many square feet are in this house. How many in-laws are there? 4-6?
> 
> ...


Its 2600 Sq. 4 of them downstairs. Problem is my MIL is one nasty person. No one has the guts to stand up to her. so we have to "tell" on her to to the FIL. Just last week my cat came downstairs and she screamed at the top of her lungs. telling to keep our damn door shut, upstairs because she rules downstairs with an iron fist, never mind im paying all the bills.and then she walks away saying "why do i even bother!" slams the door. My 12 year old doesn't like her, so I have the need to pull us out asap or as you said. Its a family like no other. let me tell you. its nothing like ive ever seen. ifeel for my wife and i dont know how many more fights well last because of this. Ive read articles over and over again how living with inlaws will ruin a marriage, how true.


----------



## Mike B (Dec 20, 2011)

tacoma said:


> So tell me again why you are moving out?
> 
> Kick them out and pay grandma the 50,000 back.
> 
> Or just kick them all out except grandma, she doesn`t sound like such a pain in the ass.



lol yea shes not, the only reason why id like to leave is to get my wife closer to her job thats by moving a bit south (were in FL)over 1.2 hours away, she has like 15 hour days ya know? thx for all your input so far!


----------



## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Although your wife may be against and its understandable that you dont want to upset her I woud stand up to your MIL and tell her that you and yor wife pay the bills and if she is so unhappy living with you then she knows what she can do noone is stopping her also I think it is about time someone stood up to her because you know that your wife isnt going to it is up to you to stik up for your family. I feel for your wife shes been through this crap since she was a child and even now that she has grown up and she hasnt send anything to her maybe you can say it


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mike B said:


> Its 2600 Sq. 4 of them downstairs. Problem is my MIL is one nasty person. No one has the guts to stand up to her. so we have to "tell" on her to to the FIL. Just last week my cat came downstairs and she screamed at the top of her lungs. telling to keep our damn door shut, upstairs because she rules downstairs with an iron fist, never mind im paying all the bills.and then she walks away saying "why do i even bother!" slams the door. My 12 year old doesn't like her, so I have the need to pull us out asap or as you said. Its a family like no other. let me tell you. its nothing like ive ever seen. ifeel for my wife and i dont know how many more fights well last because of this. Ive read articles over and over again how living with inlaws will ruin a marriage, how true.



Why don't you stand up to her? Why are you not protecting your kids and your wife? I assume the house is in your name. If she continues to act like a spoiled child, pack her bags and kick her out.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I might try SK`s advice before moving if moving is a hardship.

Let your wife know you plan on putting your foot down with your MIL and then explain to your MIL that the two of you pay the bills and will no longer tolerate her disrespect.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mike B said:


> Its 2600 Sq. 4 of them downstairs. Problem is my MIL is one nasty person. No one has the guts to stand up to her. so we have to "tell" on her to to the FIL. Just last week my cat came downstairs and she screamed at the top of her lungs. telling to keep our damn door shut, upstairs because she rules downstairs with an iron fist, never mind im paying all the bills.and then she walks away saying "why do i even bother!" slams the door. My 12 year old doesn't like her, so I have the need to pull us out asap or as you said. Its a family like no other. let me tell you. its nothing like ive ever seen. ifeel for my wife and i dont know how many more fights well last because of this. Ive read articles over and over again how living with inlaws will ruin a marriage, how true.


Take a look at these family dynamics. 

MIL runs around being basically abusive.

FIL sits watching TV all day ignoring it all day unless someone else brings it up to him, in which case he does only what is necessary for the moment. Thus your FIN allowed daughter, your wife to be at least verbally abused by his wife for years. And now he’s allowing the abuse of you, your wife, your children and grandma.

MIL is the way she is because no one has ever stood up to her and told her that her behavior is out of hand. And FIL acts the poor whipped husband who hides in front of the TV all day.. all the while allowing this abuse to continue. I know you say that your FIL is a nice guy. But nice guys don’t allow this to go on for years, much less decades.

You need to talk to MIL and tell her under no uncertain terms that she is a guest in YOUR house. She does not rule down stairs.. she might rule her own bedroom.. maybe her bathroom too if it’s a private bathroom… but nothing else in the house. That you will no longer tolerate her yelling, her nastiness, etc. And you will throw her out in a minute if she ever is abusive to your wife or children.

You also need to tell your FIL that he is part of the problem. He needs to help his wife be the best person she can ben. If that means to get her to counseling, diagnosed if she’s ADD, bi-polar, depressed.. whatever. But there are no excuses for him sitting watching TV and allowing this disruption of your home.

If MIL & FIL don’t like what you tell them, they can move.. tomorrow. 

In this economy it could take months, or years, to sell your house. I doubt that you can live like this until it sells. Just tell MIL/FIL to move. Handle Grandma as a separate issue. She can move with them, to her own place or stay with you depending on what you work out with her.


----------



## Mike B (Dec 20, 2011)

thx you all for your time reading my issues, ill let you knowwhat goes on.. again, thanks


----------



## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

What happened, Mike? I'm very interested to hear what's happening...

Obviously, inviting the inlaws who did not provide you with money was a mistake. As they say, once you let the vampire in...

EleGirl's comments are spot-on. Other suggestions:

1.
You could just let the house foreclose. Take the hit to your credit and bank the cash from your payments. Pray that the feds extend the 2007 Mortgage Debt Relief act to cover whatever year in which your house forecloses. The old hag and her beta husband get evicted with the rest of you, and can fend for themselves after that. 

Alternately you could stage an eviction, without requiring anyone to impersonate a police officer (which is a crime); simply post a false NOD (notice of default) on your own door and then take it super cereal with the old folks. Time to pack up! We're outta here! Oh, you're too tired to help? That's OK, I have movers coming over this weekend who will pack up all your stuff. 

2.
In addition to following EleGirl's advice, come up with some consequences for the old hag's disrespect and domination over you, lord of the castle. 

One suggestion: come up with some hobbies/activities that you decide will be taking place in the downstairs area. Perhaps something that involves construction of objects; LAN parties involving your friends, BBQ, lots of beer, and video games; a large pool table that takes up precious downstairs real estate, and you get your close buddies to help you troll that old hag by having lots of loud and boisterous fun. Whatever it is, make sure she understands that you are going to take over the entire space and make her miserable until she backs up off your jock.

Good luck.


----------



## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

It's like asking a child leaving home he and is independent if he was willing to lose their independence in favor of all the what he dont have I guess the answer is negative


----------

