# Anybody recover from not in love?



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Married 17 years. Together for 20 years. In a typical bait and switch sexless marriage. I have my faults too. "Do not show emotions, do not help around the house." Tried the 180 for two years. Tried the "man up" in the past. 

For the first time I am in place that I no longer feel love for my wife. There is just so much resentment that I have towards her. Does not feel like she is my sole mate. She is a great person,mother ect. I do not want to be like this. I do not know how to change. I feel its time to give up but now she wants to go another round.

Has anybody been here and recovered? Looking for hope.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> but now she wants to go another round.
> 
> Has anybody been here and recovered? Looking for hope.


i should be so lucky.
i dont know if its really possible or not.
maybe if you give her a real chance and try not to see the bad things so much in another go it may be possible.


----------



## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

In your situation I'm not really equipped to be dishing expert advice, as I'm still in my 1st marriage and of only 8 years. But what I can advise is on love vs. resentment... I think that right there is what your epic challenge is in this relationship.

You've let your opinions be silenced too long to the point where they've festered to anger, and now those feelings have become full-blown resentment towards her. The reason you are not feeling love for her is because you're too busy hindering on what you've been festering on for years and haven't been "releasing" to decompress. Your mind is clouding your heart.

You say you don't want to be this way and it sounds like you want to change. This to me is a sign that you still have hope to get back to the love you once felt for your wife, which is a very good starting point. But the problem most likely resides with you in your mind, and I would suggest talking to a psychologist if you're truly serious about fixing your marriage. A 3rd person can sometimes help point out some things you didn't realize you were doing to yourself all along.

Can you go into details about the sexlessness? Is it mutual or more one person than the other? Do you still find her attractive despite your angst with the resentment factor? If she walked up to you all of a sudden and grabbed you intimately and told you she wanted you and loved you, would it arouse you?


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

How long has it been sexless. Can your wife also come on here. Dont give up yet.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My suggestion is for you to look at the links in my signature block for building a passionate marriage. Dr. Harley is the author of the books. You might benefit from some consultations with him.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hi CG. I've been here over 2 years. I have RARELY seen anyone come back from "not in love". To the point where I have given up trying. Your timeline is almost identical to mine. If I weren't 50 (too late to start over) and have 3 kids (I'm NOT breaking up my family just because I don't feel loved) I would be gone. Without a doubt.

Think about it: How many couples "break up" and get back together again? Not too many. The ones that do are separated. They don't live together. Memories of "the good times" combine with the regrets and loneliness make it appealing to think about trying again.

You and me and all of the others who's wives have fallen out of love? Our wives live with us every day. No fond memories. Just constant resentment poisoning our relationships. I will get flamed for this, but I can just about GUARANTEE the replies will continue to be of the "don't give up hope" type and very few "I've been there, we both tried**, and our marriage is better than ever". 

No, I'm afraid it's not going to get better. And I am also at the point where I no longer even want to fix it. That leaves neither of us trying. I need to tell my wife this week that I have to move into the spare bedroom for my sanity. 

**I almost forgot the most important part is that BOTH people need to work hard at fixing it. Both parties need to WANT to fix it. She may want to "go another round", but I'm guessing you've been there, done that, or you wouldn't be here talking to me.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It seems you havent been reading here lately. A couple who both came on here have managed to 'fix' it.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/37272-getting-over-resentment.html


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

accept said:


> It seems you havent been reading here lately. A couple who both came on here have managed to 'fix' it.


I don't read ALL of the threads. And don't tell me. Point him to the thread. That's what he's looking for. Plus, there's always a "but". As in, "it's better than ever, BUT..."


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

It's better than ever, but...

Then comes the part where we have to try to let go of the past and fight to live in the now. That's not always easy for me, but I keep trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I have resentment yes. I know I can forgive and get past that. I do not know if I can fall back in love. Yes this is another attempt to get to a happy marriage. Mrk post strikes home but I am trying to stay positive. The sexless is because she does not need that in her life. This is my first marriage. When we dated I could never get enough but it was still great. In the woods, car ect. After marriage sex slowed from a few times a week to about one or two times a month. Eventually this became one time a year to two going on for about 12 years now! Tried to correct this before. If she would walk up to me today and want sex I would wonder what she is trying to do. My wife would probably get angry if she knew I was on here. This is just one problem in the marriage but it is the biggest one for me.


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*The sexless is because she does not need that in her life. *
But you do. Why be so selfish. Why should she be angry you are on here. What is her excuse really.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

accept said:


> *The sexless is because she does not need that in her life. *
> But you do. Why be so selfish. Why should she be angry you are on here. What is her excuse really.


This obviously is not what a marriage should be like. I am not sure I should even call it a marriage. We both have self esteem issues.

I have gotten the "it is up to you, you got to know what is important" from other places I looked for help. That did make me feel like I was selfish. 

She would be angry because 1) I am airing our junk to a bunch of other "messed up people." I myself realize this site has a lot of useful information. 2) Harmless posts I made could be warped into a different message. I made a post to a guy about how lucky he was....has a great wife. She could see that as "you wish that you were married to her."

Even if I manage to fall back in love with her I will still question the reasons she married me. I was a stable home, was that all she wanted. She says she loves me but actions are lacking. Head games going on for so long. Spent my prime with her. She is asleep in another room with our 10 year old. Do not want to split for the 10 year old sake. What kind of message is my child receiving about marriage though. So much time has passed, should I chase after a new dream that I may not find. I just want everybody to be happy somehow. I just want to no longer feel regret. Looking for that magic solution. Looking for hope.






i


----------



## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

If she really wants to go another round then bring her on here. You and she will be anonymous on here. Well delete all your 'harmless' posts first.


----------



## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I came on here when I decided to divorce this time last year. We did and it went smoothly. We spent time together as friends and after a bad car wreck I moved back in and we just remarried. 
However, I am not "in love". I kept hoping that would return, kept looking for the feelings to come back. I truly do love him, please don't think I don't. I want the best for him and he's very happy right now. 
I finally came to the conclusion that no marriage is really happy, most are just "ok" at best. I saw what was out there and decided that he'd changed his ways enough to come back. I don't think I'll ever be in love with him again, I do have resentment still and I'm trying to work through it. As it is, it's the best thing for my kids. Things are stable and they are happy. So as long as it's not bad, I'm willing to go without that in love feeling.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> I finally came to the conclusion that no marriage is really happy, most are just "ok" at best...
> 
> ...As it is, it's the best thing for my kids. Things are stable and they are happy. So as long as it's not bad, I'm willing to go without that in love feeling.


We have a BINGO! My current life, in a nutshell. This post should be engraved somewhere where everyone can see it.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

accept said:


> It seems you havent been reading here lately. A couple who both came on here have managed to 'fix' it.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/37272-getting-over-resentment.html


This was a very interesting situation to follow and I thought a very healthy open discussion. 

The other thing is those who do reconciled and fall back into love likely do not come back here to post as they likely move on with their lives.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Somebody post on here about all the stuff I should do to get my marriage back to the early years. Be romantic, surprise her with a rose, help out more, laundry ect. But now that post is missing. It did kind of annoy me though although I appreciated that comment. Wish the poster did not take it down.

The reason it annoyed me is because the marriage was never as good as I would have liked it to be. Before marriage it was great. I do not think marriage is perfect. Nobody is perfect so how can two people together be perfect. But there should be love. Another thing that bugged me was why should I be chasing after her at this point? I have expressed my feelings in the past and done all that romantic stuff. It got me nowhere. 

I can not give her a compliment, I can not give her a gift, I can not help around the house. She always expressed these things as being insincere. "Just doing it so I can get sex" It is a no win situation. Always an excuse. In fact she has said to me that if sex is so important to me I should find somebody on the side.

I guess for me at this point I HAVE TO KNOW WHY she married me. I need this answer, I need to know if she did fall out of love with me years ago. If she did not get back in love with me from years ago it will never happen because I have tried to be the guy she wanted. Was it love or because she needed a place to stay. That is what we are for so long. Two different people living under the same roof, not a couple. This is not acceptable to me. We need to get this sorted out a move on one way or the other and not look back.

Out of frustration the other night I told her that we are are going to marriage counseling again or we are getting a divorce now. So I gave her a choice. She tries to make everything my fault. Man I hate the blame game. She maid the call to the counselor. That may look like a good thing but that may just be fear on her end that the ride is over. In the meantime I have gotten more independent. I started doing this for myself like getting groceries. It is funny because she thanked me for that thinking I was doing it for her. And yes all of a sudden she has been real nice but there is always that one thing she always holds back. I have been here before. Just got to go through the only path I can see at this point and keep going and be ready either way.

If its not love we are in then we are going to split up. If its not love, what is the point. A small chance of meeting somebody and being happy is better then no chance. For religious reasons I think that I have stuck it out longer then most people would have. Like I said before this is my 1st marriage we have been together 20 years. There was always some sort of disconnect with us although neither of us have cheated. That seams rare all things considered. I take my vows seriously but I do not think God meant us to be miserable.

Please feel free to comment. I do appreciate all angles. Thanks for the ones so far.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

CrazyGuy said:


> I guess for me at this point I HAVE TO KNOW WHY she married me. I need this answer, I need to know if she did fall out of love with me years ago. If she did not get back in love with me from years ago it will never happen because I have tried to be the guy she wanted.


I need to set up a security camera to see if I have another personality that comes on this site and posts as "CrazyGuy".

You will NEVER be the guy she wanted. You can go 6 months being that perfect guy, and ONE slip-up and you're back to square one. 

I know: I'm a big talker and I'm still in my loveless marriage. Don't be me. Free yourself. Leave. I'm too much of a *****.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Crazy
You say your wife is resisting divorce out of fear but you are doing the same. 

The small chance of meeting someone else? Really - people are meeting and falling in love for the second time all over the world. Why would you be left out. 

Ask yourself - if you were not fearful of talking a chance on a better life, what would you do? If you feel that you would leave this sad situation than do so.

It will not be easy as it has been 20 yrs but read post by men who have been in long-term relationships and are brave enough to leave. Pbear is one I think. PM these members and have a talk with them.

I am not telling you that this is what you should do, only you know. But is she likely to be able to sustain a satisfactory sexual connection with you when she has declared it is not something she wants in her life. 

Will she somehow get a desire or force herself to keep you and then in a few months be back where you are now? Only you can tell.

You say that you are a believer. But are you really? You gave your marriage a chance to work for 12 long years.

Is this what God meant when He said don't divorce - be miserable, abused and depressed or was it don't divorce for trivial fixable reasons. 

As for your fear - read Matthew 21:21 and really show your faith. 

Good luck. It is so sad to read that you are in this self-imposed miserable situation.


----------



## Leaver (Jan 31, 2012)

My opinion: 

She married you to use you. A sexless marriage is a simple dynamic: the refuser is lock stock and barrel using the other party. Using them for money, social appearances, to raise their kids, etc. You can be all kinds of perfect, it will never be enough. The bottom line is you married an evil person. I know it can be hard to see it that way, but she has 'screwed' you out of feeling even decent about yourself for 17 years. In my book that is not only a breaking of vows, but downright evil: this is something only people with no morals can do. There is NO reason for her to do this. If you are so awful that she can't bring herself to make love to you, then she should leave. Instead she has belittled you, used you, and sucked the life out of the best years of your youth. Drop that b*tch like a hot potato. She does not love you, but she loves using you. She does not care about your happiness, your feelings, or your hopes dreams and aspirations. 

You don't need to know why she married you. You only need to know how to unwrap your brain from whatever is left of your love for her. You obviosly get something out of the deal, or you would be gone already. You need to find you why YOU stay, and then find away around that reason so that you can tolerate leaving.


----------

