# Struggling to keep the faith - feeling lonely and used.



## Jabberwocky (Dec 19, 2014)

I’ve been with my wife for 13 years. Married since 2008.

In the beginning our relationship was really good. Particularly good and I felt blessed having such a lovely, beautiful partner and we felt like we were a great match. We had much in common with our respective creative backgrounds and general life interests.
Quite apart from a great sex life and common friends.

After a pretty bad break up from a previous passionate yet narcissistic wife from my previous marriage, it felt like I was blessed having a second chance at happiness.

However, we moved to the country 7 years ago with our first daughter, my wife leaving her well-paid contracting work. Yet it was a joint decision and we both felt it would be an adventure away from the big bad city and a chance for our young children. 

A few years later our son came along. Suddenly two young kids, both very demanding: my wife was sleeping most of the time in the bed with the kids and left me alone in the marriage bed. My wife has a tendency to spoilt them both – thus our son became infantilized with a sense of being the “ruler of the roost” in the house. Growing increasingly disruptive and exceptionally hard to control.

I tried to point out the error, to be met with accusations of “Victorian cold parenting won’t happen under my roof” etc… At this point the kids were still young (18 months and 4).

There I found her flirting with another man at a party and sending sexy messages to him

Before long out sex life became non-existent. 

Then the bickering started…

Then cold withdrawn atmosphere in the house.

Then my wife started saying she wanted an apartment in town. I must pay for it. She felt “stifled by me”. That I have trapped her. She couldn’t bare me being around and preferred it when it was just the kids and her. She hated living in the country and felt the place to be a rubbish area. Full of old, closed-minded people. She started being negative about everything and everyone, especially me. She said she wanted separation (but not divorce).

Then she took a job learning to be a chef, probably to get away from me. When she got bored of that, she returned to the big city 4 days a week to contract again.

I held the kids, continued to earn the money and oversee all house repairs and household financial affairs. Our house is old, large and needs reasonable ongoing repairs.

My duties with the kids increased significantly when she started teacher-training.
It’s me that took them to school, collected them and do most of the playing and school work with them.

Therapy ensued and the most telling moment was when she blurted out “I just want to be left alone!”

Something died inside me then. The therapy stopped and we fell into a pattern whereby we mainly avoided each other. Each rather enjoying our own bedrooms at night and I developed a horrible, pernicious hatred of her. I’d flip between wishing she’d disappear, regarding her as a pathetic, lost little child who relies on me to help her through her life.

Now, she’s found happiness in her work training to be an art teacher. It appears that her mid-life crisis has subsided somewhat and her presence is much more bearable. I can see that she’s trying so hard to be “nice”. 

However, I’m desperate for a divorce from her. I feel that it’s too little: too late.

I’ve seen a lawyer and barrister at the same meeting and they felt that I could probably 
go for a settlement whereby she’ll get 30% of the estate and I can keep the house. I work from home and the courts will see it that I’ve been the stable parent anyway.
Most of the estate was mine before i meet her and it’s me who’s the sensible one with money.

However, I feel terrible for the kids. If I go ahead with this it’ll be me that breaks the family up. The kids love her and I know they suffer.

Should I try to forgive her, learn to live with her with as a friend, and ignore the devils in my mind that tell me she’s made a fool of me?

Yet I never want to have sex with her again. I find the idea of having sex with her repulsive. 

Can this relationship last? Or is yet another dysfunctional marriage with two dissatisfied partners?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Have you discussed divorce with her? If you haven't, then maybe you should. You mentioned she's 'trying so hard to be nice'. She may be desperate for a divorce but like you, does not want to be the one 'breaks up the family'.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She already left the marriage. Separation was probably to explore other men. She's probably figured out the grass wasn't as green on the other side like she thought.

You are doing most of the work. Why do you need her? Sounds like there's nothing left.

Stay for the kids and not have a life? I sure wouldn't. You do have a problem. Read up. For your future life without her.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=JOVtPFLuyYCU9wUmVZjHnNhSdcY-


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, it was her actions and choices that made it come to this point. Your mental state and well-being would be better off, giving you a chance to heal and move on with your life. She will still be their mother, and be part of their life, just not as your wife.

At least, you have a chance of being a healthy father and not neglect yourself. Your living arrangement is not conducive for children to know and understand what an affectionate partnership should be.

She destroyed the relationship by her actions, you are just making it reality.

The only thing you owe your children is a stable life, and that can be done without you and your wife together. As long as you both show them affection, spend quality time with them, guide them by example and instilling into them, good ethics, that will nurture them into healthy adults.

Being with her may be like an open wound, let to fester and get worse. Forgive her, but close the wounds and move on.

Just work on your issues afterwards, you will have a lot of anger and resentment problems.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Is it probably done? Sure. 

Is it worth one last Hail Mary pass into the end zone? Why not. 

Here's what I recommend. Sit her down in a neutral place and say "wife, I know we're both pretty much checked out of this marriage. I'm willing to give it one last go, and for me that means I need to see x and y from you. Where are you at?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

From your post, it sounds like you lost total interest in her.Can your feelings be changed? if so, give it a try, and have a long soul searching conversation. If not, then go with D. Staying in this marriage will only make situation worst. Once kids starting to grow up, they will sense that there is something wrong between mommy and daddy. It will be better for them to have at least one happy and properly functioning parent then two miserable. It all depends how you will answer first question...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like you hate her, how can that be a good environment to bring up the kids? Just saying.


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## Jabberwocky (Dec 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> Have you discussed divorce with her? If you haven't, then maybe you should. You mentioned she's 'trying so hard to be nice'. She may be desperate for a divorce but like you, does not want to be the one 'breaks up the family'.




yes I have discussed divorce. When on a extended family holiday last summer I took her out and we sat down and I explained "we were simply wasting each others time". I tried to explain my feelings about everything but i don't think she really listened to me, instead saying _“I don’t want to grow old alone: do you?…”
_
I explained I’d seen lawyers and I know what will likely happen in the event of a divorce. She did her usual thing and blunted out “you’re threatening me!” she then tends to avoid interaction.

But she also brought up the issue of the children: saying_ “we cannot disrupt their lives”._

She is rather narcissistic I now see – hearing only her side and not recognising the damage she’s done. 

But recent behaviour indicates that she maybe can see qualities in me that maybe she was blind to in the last two years during her “CRISIS”. Her behaviour by being “nice” recently indicates that’s she trying, but her stubborn pride will never let her apologise.

I know that much is unsaid between and resentment is always boiling deep down inside me. Mostly I qualm it and simply try to get on with my duties, working and talking care of the children (which I’m still doing most of).

The holiday was to see her mother who lives in Germany and it’s a further complication that her mother is a lovely person. Truly kind, loving and supportive in every way. I have a great relationship with her and have confessed much of my anxieties to her. She’s a retired counsellor, and wise to much; especially her daughter’s foibles. But obviously her loyalties lie with her daughter.


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## Jabberwocky (Dec 19, 2014)

marduk said:


> Is it probably done? Sure.
> 
> Is it worth one last Hail Mary pass into the end zone? Why not.
> 
> ...


I agree with this.

I need her to finally understand the importance of it. She'll try to stick her fingers in her ears and display avoidance tactics. But I need to press it home.

My feeling now is if she behaves childishly to this, I'll simply get the lawyer to issue proceedings. But of course, that'll inflame the fire dramatically. And I'd have preferred that we go forwards with a general agreement, for the sake of the family and mutual respect.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jabberwocky said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> I need her to finally understand the importance of it. She'll try to stick her fingers in her ears and display avoidance tactics. But I need to press it home.
> 
> My feeling now is if she behaves childishly to this, I'll simply get the lawyer to issue proceedings. But of course, that'll inflame the fire dramatically. And I'd have preferred that we go forwards with a general agreement, for the sake of the family and mutual respect.



Put two pieces of paper in front of her.

Label one 'A' and put between one and three _very simple and concise_ things on it that you need from her. Things like:
1. I need a willing sexual partner 3 times a week.
2. I need for you to sleep in the same bed with me.
3. I need for you to tell me you love me once a day.

Label the other one 'B' and put on it the seperation terms that you think is fair.

She picks one. Let her know that if she doesn't pick one within 24 hours, you pick 'B.'


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

marduk said:


> Is it probably done? Sure.
> 
> Is it worth one last Hail Mary pass into the end zone? Why not.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I would just add this caveat: Give yourself a realistic deadline to see these changes. 3 months? 6 months? 1 year? You pick.

But once you pick the deadline, stick with it. Otherwise, you'll find yourself here in 3 years posting the same questions about the same problems.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jabberwocky said:


> yes I have discussed divorce. When on a extended family holiday last summer I took her out and we sat down and *I explained "we were simply wasting each others time". I tried to explain my feelings about everything* but i don't think she really listened to me, instead saying _“I don’t want to grow old alone: do you?…”_





Jabberwocky said:


> But recent behaviour indicates that she maybe can see qualities in me that maybe she was blind to in the last two years during her “CRISIS”. Her behaviour by being “nice” recently indicates that’s she trying, but *her stubborn pride will never let her apologise.
> *





Jabberwocky said:


> I know that much is unsaid between and *resentment is always boiling deep down inside me*. Mostly I qualm it and simply try to get on with my duties, working and talking care of the children (which I’m still doing most of).



Jabberwocky, I would recommend you follow through with the divorce. Based on the comments I bolded above, I don't think you should emotionally torture yourself in a relationship with a woman that you are "desperate to divorce". For crying out loud, in your OP you admitted that you *"never want to have sex with her again. I find the idea of having sex with her repulsive*". 

Whether you realize this or not, your children are learning about relationships from you and your wife. Right now your marriage is not serving as a very good role model for your children. Staying in this broken relationship is probably doing more long term harm to your children than if you were to amicably divorce from your wife. 

From the sounds of it, you and she are already living separate lives. She's living in the city, alone, 4 days a week while you manage your children and the house. I assume that the children spend time with her on the 3 days when she's home. This is an ideal custody arrangement. The only thing missing is the legal document stating you are divorced. 

There are two common sayings that I whole-heartedly support: "Life is too short to be miserable" and "It's better to come from a broken home that to live in one". The former is directed at you and the latter is directed towards your children. Don't you or your children suffer in a bad marriage.


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## Jabberwocky (Dec 19, 2014)

marduk said:


> Put two pieces of paper in front of her.
> 
> Label one 'A' and put between one and three _very simple and concise_ things on it that you need from her. Things like:
> 1. I need a willing sexual partner 3 times a week.
> ...


It's wise advice and prudent for both of us, as it'll force a conclusion: one way or another. Although 24 hours is possibly a little too extreme?

It's interesting that a good mutual friend of ours (who is female coincidentally) pointed out that she's like "a rabbit, blinded in the headlights". She doesn't know what she wants.

It's for that reason that i've been patient: knowing she's going though a crisis. And as I have enough faith in myself and knowing what is right and what is wrong, that I haven't forced a divorce whilst she's like this - for the sake of the kids and their stability. And out of respect for our previous suitability.

And Lila, yes I can see that it's tempting to be 100% categoric with this from an outside point of view. And maybe my inaction is destructive. But i wouldn't say that the children live in a destructive environment at all. They are both loved and cherished enormously, by both of us.

The realisation how I felt about sex with her in my OP shocked even myself initially: but maybe that's a normal result of anyone who feels they've been used - or not loved.

I'm not the kind of man who just requires sex as a primal instinct without thought for intimacy or feeling. For me it's all about connecting with my partner. Maybe that sounds rather feminine in approach: but it's the way I am.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Jabberwocky said:


> And Lila, yes I can see that it's tempting to be 100% categoric with this from an outside point of view. And maybe my inaction is destructive. But i wouldn't say that the children live in a destructive environment at all. They are both loved and cherished enormously, by both of us.
> 
> The realisation how I felt about sex with her in my OP shocked even myself initially: but maybe that's a normal result of anyone who feels they've been used - or not loved.
> 
> I'm not the kind of man who just requires sex as a primal instinct without thought for intimacy or feeling. For me it's all about connecting with my partner. Maybe that sounds rather feminine in approach: but it's the way I am.[/FONT]


Jabberwocky, 

I have no doubts that your children are loved and cherished by both you and your wife. But based on my personal experience, children are like energy sponges. That's why I said 'it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one'. They will pick up on any negative interactions or discontent between you and your wife. 

However, it sounds like you have made the decision to stay in the relationship. If that is in fact the case, then understand that you only have control over yourself. You cannot change or control your wife's behavior. 

You can present her with the list of requirements Marduk presented in his post above, but recognize that those are just checklist items. Performing them does not mean she wants to do them. Sex 3 times per week with a 'willing' partner does not translate to a 'wanting' partner; and 'I love you' are just words. She may end up meeting your requirements to the tee but still won't meet your need for a loving connection or deeper intimacy.

My recommendation is that you seek individual counseling to learn techniques to manage resentment and overcome "the devils in your mind that tell you she's made a fool of you". Continue to be the best father you can be for your children. Treat your wife with kindness as the mother of your children. Become the best man you can become both physically and emotionally. Your relationship may or may not return to what it was at the beginning but you will improve your current situation.


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## Reaper39 (Nov 25, 2015)

Dude you hate the *****, cut ties and say peace!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ask the lawyer what changes in the likely outcome if you stay another year or five.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jabberwocky said:


> *
> However, I’m desperate for a divorce from her. I feel that it’s too little: too late.*
> 
> I’ve seen a lawyer and barrister at the same meeting and they felt that I could probably
> ...


Just let it go and divorce her. You never want to have sex with her again (been there, I never wanted it again with my first husband, had been two years by the time I left!) and you are "desperate for divorce". Her attempts at being nice are not going to last and you know this. Your kids will be fine if you handle the split correctly, as it is, your home is a terrible example for them. 

Life is too short to stay where you are miserable.


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