# New here...and a bit nervous



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Husband and I are going to start couples counseling soon. When things are good, they're great. But when we argue, it sometimes escalates quickly. We both have tempers, and over time I think we've both done and said stuff that makes it harder to really get back to being good. A more recent issue about a coworker of his and their friendship (nothing actually happened) but I didn't like it and at first for awhile he didn't respect my wishes to let the friendship go. We had a huge blowout and then a LONG talk and he understands better now how I feel, how it effects us, etc. 

I'm happy we're going but nervous about the whole thing, I never thought we'd have to do this and I want to do whatever it takes to make our relationship better. For us and for our young children. I know counseling isn't a magic pill that makes everything better and that we'll both have to work, put effort in and persist. 

We both said we're committed to making this work. We both grew up in volatile households and DO NOT WANT that for our children. And we both want to go back to being silly and being happy. He also is going to see someone individually (I already do) to see if there are any other underlying issues like depression or anything. 

Thanks for any advice or words of wisdom.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

My wife and I are seeing a MC. Our problem, unlike yours, is that we never ever fight. It's like the relationship isn't worth enought to fight to make it better.

Of course fights can get out of hand, but can be a good thing too.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks, that's a good perspective to hear too. We definitely want to learn how to communicate better, listen better and handle disagreements better. I don't think it's fair if we brought children into this world that we don't try our best to make it a loving home for them. Husband doesn't communicate as much as I would like and then when problems happen later, I feel like a lot of it could be avoided if he spoke up earlier. 

That's good that you're seeing a MC dormant


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> Husband doesn't communicate as much as I would like and then when problems happen later, I feel like a lot of it could be avoided if he spoke up earlier.


I enjoyed my MC. I feel like I went in thinking something like, "My wife doesn't ______ and things would be better if she did.", and on the other side came out thinking, "I don't _______ and things would be better if I did."

Good luck!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I enjoyed my MC. I feel like I went in thinking something like, "My wife doesn't ______ and things would be better if she did.", and on the other side came out thinking, "I don't _______ and things would be better if I did."
> 
> Good luck!



I see what you did there 

I definitely have issues to work on too that contribute to our problems. Definitely learning HOW to communicate better is something I need to do. I'm the talker and husband is not, but I guess that doesn't mean I'm communicating in a productive way.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree with ACORN. In the end it is what we are doing or not doing that contributes.

One bit of advice from experience is if the MC does not feel rigt for either of you, move on to another. Not all MC's are a good match. Get references, interview them, make sure you are both good with the one you choose.

Our second was much better than our first.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

You really don't need any advice from us because you and your husband are doing what you are supposed to do. Go to MC and do what it takes to make the marriage work. BRAVO!!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

back up a moment to the coworker

was it an EA

(do you even know what an EA is?)


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> back up a moment to the coworker
> 
> was it an EA
> 
> (do you even know what an EA is?)


I know what an emotional affair is...I think

He was friends with her, he didn't have many friends since moving here and it was just kept to work. She even cooked a meal and brought it to us when we had our first child. 

I just didn't like it because it didn't make me feel comfortable, and then I saw he looked at her facebook page a lot. He said he doesn't know why he did it and it means nothing. He didn't like that I asked him to not be friendly with her because he felt like he had no one else to talk to, especially at a time like when we had our first kid). They've never hung out, just strictly at work. A few emails but husband shared them all, and they were about visiting us when baby #1 came. 

2 yrs later now and I still don't like it...other woman is now recently married and happy with her new baby. I don't know if I have a right or good reason to not like it, but after our huge blowout, husband said he would only talk to her about work, enough to get by but not more out of respect to me.

Whaddya think?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you should get the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and both of you should read it

in MC, discuss boundaries and what you each think should be appropriate behavior with the opposite sex


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and as far your escalating arguments, I think it's because you both get defensive quickly


you need to put aside time to talk every day about issues that bother you, it has to be a safe zone of sorts. No one raises their voice, and each person will calmly explain their feelings (no accusation or getting defensive), once better understanding is reached arguments will be less intense


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here's another good read:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> here's another good read:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html




Thank you so much. I'm taking all the advice and sharing with husband. He is on board to make these efforts. The list is something we're going to look at tonight together (from the link you posted). Very much appreciated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Good to hear that he is "on board"

Can't do it alone after all

Good luck


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

The first therapist I called, contacted me to make an appt...I didn't make it yet because I want to check with husband but she said it's $150/hour! Wasn't expecting that!

And she said her initial appt is 2-3hrs and then 90mins after that (biweekly)

Is this normal?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

shop around a bit more, if she was quick to call you back then it could be because her prices are out of line


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You can also ask if she'll negotiate her hourly rates. 

Your situation with your husband and his coworker/friend reminds me of why I believe the best defense is a good offense: I'd become best pals with her quick, fast, and in a hurry. It doesn't sound like she's trying to invade your turf, but just to be safe, I'd rather affair-proof my marriage using trust and positive regard than by trying to impose rules and limitations. As they say, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> You can also ask if she'll negotiate her hourly rates.
> 
> Your situation with your husband and his coworker/friend reminds me of why I believe the best defense is a good offense: I'd become best pals with her quick, fast, and in a hurry. It doesn't sound like she's trying to invade your turf, but just to be safe, I'd rather affair-proof my marriage using trust and positive regard than by trying to impose rules and limitations. As they say, "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."


I should have added, when this initially all started (they were friends and her offering to bring us a meal when we had first child), HER and I were in book club together. So while we weren't exactly good friends, we were kind-of friends, got along, etc. In fact I invited her and a few others from book club to my baby shower and all of them came. After this started to get uncomfortable for me and he stopped talking to her at work, she sent an email to him basically saying...whatever you have to atone for is on you, I never wanted to come in between you two. And my offer to bring food was completely benign. 

I felt a little bad then but I still wanted to solid-proof my marriage and I wasn't totally comfortable with it. Husband was annoyed with the whole situation, saying he wishes he never made the mistake to look at facebook that many times (her page) because he just wanted all of us to be friends. 

Now a couple of years later, I just want the whole thing over with. He does work with her everyday (in a group with others) so we have to manage or agree with what we're both comfortable with.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> I should have added, when this initially all started (they were friends and her offering to bring us a meal when we had first child), HER and I were in book club together. So while we weren't exactly good friends, we were kind-of friends, got along, etc. In fact I invited her and a few others from book club to my baby shower and all of them came. After this started to get uncomfortable for me and he stopped talking to her at work, she sent an email to him basically saying...whatever you have to atone for is on you, I never wanted to come in between you two. And my offer to bring food was completely benign.
> 
> I felt a little bad then but I still wanted to solid-proof my marriage and I wasn't totally comfortable with it. Husband was annoyed with the whole situation, saying he wishes he never made the mistake to look at facebook that many times (her page) because he just wanted all of us to be friends.
> 
> Now a couple of years later, I just want the whole thing over with. He does work with her everyday (in a group with others) so we have to manage or agree with what we're both comfortable with.


This reinforces why I think it'd be great to be friends with her. I don't see anything suspicious about her behavior.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> This reinforces why I think it'd be great to be friends with her. I don't see anything suspicious about her behavior.




I was ready to, but after all that happened and she seemed offended about him not talking to her and bringing whatever happened between us affect their work relationship and she emailed me and said she didn't want to get between us and its better if she removes herself from the situation. 

She also wrote something like "did it ever occur to you guys that I was being with friends with people who I knew didn't want more from me" (she was cheated on and divorced at the time). 

So needless to say, we don't really see each other anymore because she left bookclub and when we do, we don't talk. I thought it was going to stay that way with her and DH too. He said they only talk at work about work, chit chat about work but to me that's a gray area and I'm not totally comfortable with it especially with the past.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

you are already doing great!!!!! knowing that you are doing these things means that you are not in denial that they are affecting you and your family! im proud of you for that. on another note, counseling is something that EVERYONE should have. theres nothign wrong with talking to someone no matter the circumstance. go ahead honey! have a great time, and enjoy that its going to be healthy for you!


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