# Need some opinions/advice please ...



## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Rather than have the thread moved I was wondering if anyone had any more advice/info pertaining to my thread :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/66150-my-gut-tells-me-im-losing-have-lost-my-wife.html

Thank you in advance.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ILMW61 said:


> (this is long and wordy ... I'm sorry ... but I am just at the end of my rope and need to at least vent)
> 
> I can't shake this feeling that she is, at the very least, finished with wanting to be my wife. At worst she may already be having an affair.
> 
> ...


Oh yeah, there's no doubt about it. All the red flags are there and you know it. You're too afraid to face it or confront her in a serious way. Because of that, everything you're doing seems annoying and pestering to her. She's busy staying in touch with her lover and you are just bugging her. 

You need to plant a VAR in her car and a gps to find out where she's going and who she's talking to. 

I suppose she's being very shrewd and keeping her phone glued to her hip, her phone and computer password protected etc. 

She's very happy to keep you in stitches with her witty comments, as she slyly chuckles at your puppy-like attempts to get her in the sack. But she's being faithful to her lover. That what they do. 

How long have you been married? Do you have a support system living near you? (parents, siblings, close friends)

How old are the kids? Do you make a good living?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

ILMW
copy and paste your original post into the lead post on this thread. Posters will be more inclined to read the lead here than to navigate elsewhere - esp if mobile devices are being used. It's cumbersome.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Opinion-she's boinking someone. 

Advice-get tested for std's and pack her sh1t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude stop telling her how you feel. If she gave a sh1t about your feelings she wouldn;t be treating you this way.

I suggest you show her the indifference she diserves, and show her how confident you are in letting her go by cleaning your self up, work out and doing a 180.

Folks want what they can't have so start showing your wife what she is about to lose.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Got to work late? supposedly going to the gym? VAR in the car gather intel then ask to use her phone if she gets nervous and defensive tell her there is no privacy in a marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just the mileage alone is a red flag.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would check and make sure she is working late.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

> Then there's sex. Things seemed good (even getting better after 17 years of marriage and her sex drive seemed to be up a lot more) ... until a few months ago (august-ish) and I started having some ED issues. We 'worked' with what we had but by October it was just 'not there'. So I scheduled an appointment and by the first part of December I was on Viagra.
> 
> The only thing is now* I've got the Viagra and she never seems to be in the mood. Trying to say, "I'm taking my medicine tonight <wink>"*


Can you imagine how pathetic you look to your wife? You're sitting around winking at her, hinting about viagra. Trying to subtly seduce your own wife. All the while she's looking at racy pictures and graphically lewd texts from her OM? C'mon man. wake up!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ILMW61 she is cheating big time and you know that she is. Listen to the other posters here and get all the evidence you need to D her sorry A, which based on your post won't be hard to get. She openly disrespects you. You deserve better.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Try this:

When you next come home tell her you are starting a divorce tomorrow.

See what she does and what questions she asks.

Then follow through with your threat.

As many have said before and I am sure will say again, you can't "Nice" your way out of this.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Oh, one other thing: I wonder if "ILMW" stands for "I love my wife"?

You should understand that you no longer have a wife. She has checked out of the marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When she asys she is working late, and then go to the gym, drive the kids by while going somewhere else and see if she does.

There are many threads here about gym relationships by the way.

Get a VAR now and velcro it under the front seat of the car.

voice recorder - Walmart.com recorder

Try not to get the cheapest ones. Test them before you use them as they may have to have certain features turned off to stay stealthy.

If she is in an affair it probsbly with a co worker or at the gym. Any suspects?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

ILMW61,

I was in your situation about 2 years ago. My wife was doing the same type of stuff. Texting and Facebooking early in the morning, late evening, GNO's, no interest in sex, guarding her cell phone, etc. Her way of avoiding sex was to go to bed with no notice, turn the lights off, and bundle up like she was in a cocoon. 

I became more and more resentful, but never suspected she was cheating. I made no effort to check up on her. That was a huge mistake. She was in the middle of an affair with her best friend's husband and it went on two years before I finally caught her.

Had I had the benefit of TAM, I would have known what to do. If I had simply done my due diligence, I would have easily found
her out long before that.

My advice is to play it cool and make her think everything is fine. Don't force the issue with sex. Use every method at your disposal to verify whether she is cheating. Use a PI if you have to. You'll get a lot of advice here about the different methods. 

Don't worry about improving yourself to save the marriage until you find out whether she's cheating. And I have to tell you, I'd lay odds that she is.

Once you've got the evidence, return here for more advice on how best to proceed. In the unlikely event that you're satisfied she's not having an affair, then work on your marriage. Seek marriage counseling and work on the marital issues with her. 

Be glad you're getting counsel now. I wish I had.


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## ILMW61 (Jan 3, 2013)

Just kind of an update ...

Last night we got into it again about the lack of sex. I simply, calmly, asked why we don't have more sex and she went straight into 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.

So that only bothered me more and when I pressed her it just escalated into a loud argument. (I'm sure the boys heard in their rooms unless they were REALLY sound asleep.)


What I DID get out of it, however, was that I said I want us to see a marriage counselor.

She agreed.

That's good right?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ILMW61 said:


> What I DID get out of it, however, was that I said I want us to see a marriage counselor.
> She agreed.
> That's good right?


This can be just a smoke screen, given her behavior it will likely be a way to dump all kind of bll over you in a controled enviroment. You will be the devil, that's for sure. Ask her to make the apointment (she won't) and start seriously snooping before any MC. Find your what are you facing beyond her overt actions and words.


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

ILMW61 said:


> Just kind of an update ...
> 
> Last night we got into it again about the lack of sex. I simply, calmly, asked why we don't have more sex and she went straight into 'I don't want to talk about this right now'.
> 
> ...


Er, no. She agreed to placate you. She might even attend a few rounds of counseling just to keep you off her back while she forms her exit strategy. You've gotten all the advice you need for the time being: VAR, keylogger, etc. You need to know, one way or another, whether she's cheating. I'd say she is, especially if her libido was on the upswing and she suddenly cut you off. Gather your evidence, get into the gym and start getting in shape, take the preliminary steps of the 180 and be prepared for what most of us on TAM are pretty certain is coming.

Good luck.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I was able to see my children's phone activity on their father's account by creating online access with their phone number and a password.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MC at this stage could do a lot more harm than good.

Unless you are *very* lucky, she will play the counsellor like a fiddle and you will end up being the bad guy.

She will hide the affair she is almost certainly having and you will be told to back off.

She gets exactly what she wants.

At the least, do what is being suggested with VARs and phone loggers. If not, you will be back on here within 12 months asking how to rescue your marriage as your wife moved out/you found out she was cheating all along.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

ILMW61- Your situation reads like about the most typical story we see here. Everyone who has been here for awhile and has read many cases of infidelity knows what's going on. Your wife is following a script and you, the befuddled husband who would never believe his wife would betray you, and is trying desperately not to believe the worst, is also the stereotypical faithful spouse we see so often here.

It's almost certain she's cheating on you. You need to quietly investigate. Come here for advice before you confront her. Good luck. I hope I'm wrong, but this is just too typical.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Man has she got your number. 
Agreed to MC? What a joke. Don't you see all the signs? She has done everything but bring her OM into your bedroom with you there!

Give up the talk of MC UNTIL she has dropped the OM. She won't do that until you PROVE to her that you know what we all know. Then IF she proves she has dropped him and wants to commit to the marriage. ONLY THEN should you look into MC. 

You have a lot of *actual work* to do to save your marriage. Talking to her ain't gonna cut it in the least.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Make an appointment for a polygraph test and tell her if she has nothing to hide she shouldn't have a problem with it (I'm sure she will though) and then you will have your answer. Stop p^ssyfooting around and get serious jmo.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

ILMW,

Brother I hate to say this... I was in your position over a year ago. I was trying to do everything to win my wife back and I was in huge denial. She is playing you. She is setting you up for D. She is playing a chess game with you and you don't even have your pieces on the board.

The MC is for show... She is figuring out how she can stall and delay until she can figure how to get out of your marriage. Get her cell phone, get a VAR, get your proof, email etc... and EXPOSE this to her family and OM family... Get ready for the 180. I know you wish you were not in this position but you are. I am sorry your world came tumbling down. 

Get your pieces on the board and Blitzkrieg... Gather your information and then hit her hard with a 180 and exposure... It is your best chance if you want to save your marriage.

My EX picked the MC she wanted and basically set me up as a failure of a husband... never acknowledged her affair, called it a friendship... and drove me into D with denial etc... I didn't find TAM until it was too late but I realized the advice people give you here isn't BS theory learned in MC schools for MORONS. It's the this is what work's stuff... Tough Love is the only way you have a chance.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Separate finances and cancel any joint credit cards today at least you don't have to finance her affair. Did you set up a var in her car yet? Forget mc it's a waste until the affair is over.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I have to disagree with many posts.

The fact is , marriage counseling is pointless if there is an affair going on. Cheaters use this to fool the betrayed spouse and will lie like they were born to it. However, you may use it for now to your own purposes. Make sure you find a counselor that has lots of experience with infidelity and let him know you are sure she is in an affair but she dosen't know you know. And make sure it is a male counselor who opposes infidelity strongly.

Get the VARs set up.

Give no hint you are suspecting her of cheating.

Use Calibre12 suggestion and use your kids phone to check her text usage.

Keep an eye out (when she is asleep) to check the tablet.

The VAR is your number one weapon. You can also get a VAR pen that can be put in her purse.

GPS her car.

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BrickHouse Security | Home Security Camera Systems | GPS Surveillance

Brickhouse seems to be having a clearance sale, check it out.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

STOP STOP STOP. Chap above is DEAD ON. You are driving your wife underground and making it harder to catch it.

1). When she comes home make sure you are glued to some manly channel like science channel, military channel or whatever. This your excuse that "all is cool". Be nice but indifferent.
2). vAR the car as above.
3). Recover texts as above.
4). Look up zoomback? ? Sp? It's a small GPS that makes a location report.
5). Key log the comp. plan on this taking a while to setup. Do a dry run on yours first. 
6). No big moves until you get you proof then go nuclear like cutting off funds etc.

It is odd. Your story fits so many similar.

DO NOT CONFRONT UNTIL YOU HAVE PROOF. I mean ironclad proof. Life is good until you get your proof. If she asks why you are suddenly calm it is because she agreed to counciling. 

WHEN you get the proof. And sorry while it is never 100 percent until iron clad proof is obtained. The odds of an affair are greater than 95 percent.

1). Have a lawyer ready to go.
2). Do the 180 they talk about here.
3) man up. Improve yourself. Go to the gym. It is never too late. Improve you dating value even if you don't go completely through the divorce. IF you decide to reconcile she must do the complete list you will see posted about conditions for reconciliation. She must do the whole list leaving out none.
4). Do not fall for crying. That is manipulation.

Still don't have your stats like age kids marriage length.


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