# Wife had an EA



## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

I am sorry about the long story but i have nowhere else to turn.

A little about my wife and i, we are married for a year and dating for 2 years prior and we are both 23, she moved from her home country to be with me, it did not work out so 6 months ago we both decided to move to her home country when we were in a rough patch.

My marriage has been on a rocky road from arguments to medication and many more, i thought we always could fix it as long as we both did not cheat. 

The story started a few months after we got married a few short arguments later my wife began to stop telling me any issues she had and began to bottle it up, and also began to build hate towards me day by day. She only worked casual and even those days she called in sick or could not be bothered to go to work, she would spend 9 hours alone at home just playing video games or watching television series.

By june/july she had began to tell me she wanted to leave me every single day and i did not know what to do, we eventually broke into a heated argument and she called her mother told her she wanted to come back home, her mother and father told her that she should invite me too and we can come talk
To them and see a counsellor over in her home country.

She eventually agreed and we went over she calmed down a bit and we decided to make the move official and i went back to arrange things so that her home country would be our home. 

Its been a good 5 months and things are going great and she is also pregnant, and extremely happy to be a parent, she has also dealt with her anger issues for me and other issues and i have dealt with my issues.

I thought all was going great and we even planned to move back to my home country to make that our permanent home because we believe it would be better for our baby. The OM who is also my "friend" messaged me telling me he is sorry for what he did with my wife, i asked more questions and apparently he had an emotional affair with my wife during that 1 month i came back to my home country to prepare for the move to her home country and he was truly sorry. My wife denied it at first but eventually spilled everything and told me she even developed feelings for him. 

What should i do?
What can i do to make this pain go away?

My wife already agreed to have no more phone, pc, after the baby born and a bit bigger she would work full time so she does not have 9 hours each day to have fun. My hands are shaking and im not sure what to do.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Dna test the kid. Seriously f*cking DNA test the kid right away when he/she is born.

If running to another country away from this woman is possible, do it. When the OM thinks about you more than your wife, there is a HUGE problem there.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Calm down. You will be alright regardless of what happened. You have to control your emotions as best you can. The world didn't end - even if you think it has. Take a few deep breaths and let them out slowly. Do it again. 

Now, how serious was her affair? Is she willing to be totally honest? Is there ANY possibility that they got together in person? If so, how can you be sure the baby is yours?

These are questions you need to think about. You are both very young and young people - more than others - can do very foolish things. Getting married is one of them. Your wife was not happy in the marriage. Having a baby may or may not help - it usually is only a temporary 'high' that evaporates as 'day-to-day' issues resume. 

Can you go to counseling? Are you both of the same culture? Do you have family nearby for support?


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

It is definitely my child as the date of conception was september and i arrived august and she never left my sight, she stopped the EA because she felt it was wrong and discontinued it (OM lives in melbourne and we live in indonesia at the moment) OM was in melbourne at the time of conception, while we were in indonesia. Her parents knew about the affair and told her to stop it and ask forgiveness to god. She did, but none of them ever told me, my wife said it was to keep me from being hurt and she wanted to carry the burden of her mistake. She said i miss you to the OM at least 3 times and it just feels like she can think of him but not me.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

nm then.


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

They did not meet up as far as i know and she did not message him or contact him anymore after a few days i came to indonesia. She says she has told me everything but i will always wonder what she did in her 9 hours 5 days a week.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just as a precaution you should DNA the kid but that is just my opinion as it could be another besides him.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

She ain't attracted to you, man. Let me guess, after this EA started your sex life took a dive?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*Her parents knew about the affair and told her to stop it and ask forgiveness* Sorry but one of the biggest reason for ,doing a DNA test... And also to think about this long and hard.


I mean even her "perents" knew


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

Our sex life took a dive few months before EA i guess the hate towards me would have killed her attraction for me, after the EA she was pregnant and we later found out she had a low lying placenta so sex was not preferred.


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

Sad the parents knew and told me nothing.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Why do you think she started to hate you? And how did she show it?


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

She started to hate me, we had arguments here and there and we would resolve it and find ways to improve yet she never forgave and just hated me more and more


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kalytha said:


> She started to hate me, we had arguments here and there and we would resolve it and find ways to improve yet she never forgave and just hated me more and more


It is probable that she didn't hate you but went into what I call Nearest Human Syndrome where all the problems (real or imagined) are laid at the feet of the nearest human.

Oh. That'd be you, then?!


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

What do you mean mattmatt, she went to him for support


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kalytha said:


> What do you mean mattmatt, she went to him for support


She did this because she mistook you as part of the problem/s she was having in her life.

She needed to speak with someone and chose him, not you. That was a mistake on her part and on his part, too.

But I think with the correct help you two could work this out. At least, I am hoping so.


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

Thanks matt, she has changed alot for the better and especially with communication but now it feels like my world is crashing down on me because of what she did back then. She said she googled and they say do not tell your spouse you cheated and just live with the guilt and become a better person, would you say she did that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kalytha said:


> Thanks matt, she has changed alot for the better and especially with communication but now it feels like my world is crashing down on me because of what she did back then. She said she googled and they say do not tell your spouse you cheated and just live with the guilt and become a better person, would you say she did that?


It's very possible. Perhaps she wanted to shield you from the pain, carry it all by herself?

By the way, is your wife always as bad as that on Google searches? 

Trouble is, there's a lot of bad advice out there.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Kalytha said:


> It is definitely my child as the date of conception was september and i arrived august and she never left my sight, she stopped the EA because she felt it was wrong and discontinued it


What do you mean she "never left your sight". I find that highly unlikely.

Even if the baby is yours, that doesn't mean that she "stopped at an EA" just because she told you that she "felt it was wrong".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kindi said:


> What do you mean she "never left your sight". I find that highly unlikely.
> 
> Even if the baby is yours, that doesn't mean that she "stopped at an EA" just because she told you that she "felt it was wrong".


That can happen. How do I know? Because I have been in that situation, myself.


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

She wakes up goes to work with me (more of helping in laws with company)
Then we eat together sleep together and basically we are in the same house doing things like she playing "world of warcraft" and i doing my things (she played world of warcraft with him) and also had his number on wattsapp. And if we went out we did it together to buy stuff go to mc or something.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That can happen. How do I know? Because I have been in that situation, myself.


She never, EVER left your sight?

What about when she goes to the bathroom?

Or when one of you goes to work?


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

We are talking about baby being mine right? Then there is no chance a guy did the dance with no pants with my wife. What i mean by never leave my sight is no opportunity, we always both helped because her parents were trying to help us become better people. 

Also i guess people can feel a sense of wrong in what they do if they chose to. Some people might think of their partner and just make up an excuse about the partner to justify the affair, i think thats right? Correct me if im wrong


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Is she still playing online games? Have you checked if she is in touch with OM?


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

She has stopped all contact does not play anymore online games and is now focusing on fixing our relationship, but can a relationship be built on a lie? A betrayal? To become better. Dont get me wrong she did improve but maybe not for me. Maybe because she felt guilty, like pity sex.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am confused. You said that your wife's affair was emotional but implied that they had sex prior to September while you were gone?
If this is true that you and your wife need to be tested for STD's.

Cheating during the first year of marriage is a very bad sign. Would you wife be so forgiving and accepting of cheating if the roles had been reversed?


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

Oh i only found out about an EA who knows if it went to a PA as i was not there and both of them deny(why would they admit) 

She would not be happy, but i guess all she says is that i was not there emptionally and she was not tellin me anything, while she went to OM and spilled her heart out and he just agreed with her 100% what she said and im the bad guy


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Kalytha said:


> Oh i only found out about an EA who knows if it went to a PA as i was not there and both of them deny(why would they admit)
> 
> She would not be happy, but i guess all she says is that i was not there emptionally and she was not tellin me anything, while she went to OM and spilled her heart out and he just agreed with her 100% what she said and im the bad guy


This is why you get the DNA test.


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

I sure will got myself tested today will know in a bit and will test him soon. Thanks guys. 

But what should i do with the marriage.

She is deeply sorry and is willing to do ANYTHING to fix this shes giving up anything i tell her to.

Anyone have a useful tips on what i should do? How can fix this marriage.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Is there a way to get a polygraph where you are? Also have you exposed the affair to OM's family and friends?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kindi said:


> She never, EVER left your sight?
> 
> What about when she goes to the bathroom?
> 
> Or when one of you goes to work?


No, I mean I was in an EA and stopped it dead. Just on the point of having unprotected sex with my lover, in point of fact.


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