# Oh hey. 3 years+ since I've been here



## gridcom (Jul 10, 2015)

My thread is closed, but the link is here








My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker


Hi all. I am suddenly faced with the news that my wife just this week got intimate with a co-worker who she claims she has been in love with for a year unbeknownst to me. We have been together 19 years, and married for 13 years. We have two girls, ages 10 and 5. She wants this marriage to...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





I just was popping in and after doing some clean up of my "bookmarked" links. I don't know who is left here from when I came on here, completely confused and baring my soul. For those of you who were around for this crazy adventure, hello and thank you for all following and some of you trying to help me get my head straight. I think in hindsight I was doing what is called "doing the work" and taking the time to self reflect on my own issues. I spent a lot of time blaming my ex for the betrayal and also, as you read throughout the thread, having moments where I was confronting my own issues as essentially a husband who stopped loving my wife. I took her for granted, and I paid a heavy price for it. 

So, it's been over five years since the start of all of this. And three years since I posted. What happened? Ok, well, here it is. At first, I felt worthless. My mind had totally tricked me into thinking I was trash. I fought so hard to try and revive a very dead marriage to no avail. I moved to another town about 10 miles from my ex and kids, and started over. I hadn't been single for 20 years. I discovered online dating and I'll tell you, it was awesome. I spent 18 months on the dating scene and I wouldn't change a thing about it. There were some fun times, strange times, and even some disappointments. That said, the evolution of me was playing out in real time and I was able to gain confidence in myself and had some experiences I would have never had if not for the blow up of my marriage.

In Nov of 2017, about a month after my last post here, I got a message on Facebook (of course!) from a woman who I "dated" when I was 18, and she was 15. Yes, I know. We dated on and off until I was 21, never serious. I always just thought she was too young for me. But, in 2017, I was 45 and she was 42. Huge difference. And we fell in love and we now live together. My kids are totally fine. Whatever the best case scenario was, I think fortunately that is where we are at. Both very well adjusted and happy kids. They love my GF. I made sure not to introduce them to any woman I was dating until my current GF, and that wasn't for 7 months after we started dating. I think that helped a lot. There was a lot of planning that went on there.

My ex is still with the guy she cheated on me with. I have never met him. They don't live together. My ex and I are not on friendly terms, but not on bad terms either. We are on no terms. We communicate only through "Our Family Wizard" and we both prefer it that way. My GF has only met my ex one time, and it was brief.

I guess the only thing I'd want to communicate here is that the pain does go away. Probably not totally, but definitely I feel indifference to the whole event, and to be honest I hate to say it but I will. I think it was all a good thing. Aside from the suffering and self doubt, the last 4 years especially have been way more good than bad. Even the bad, I feel like at least I lived through something that made me feel alive, even if it was not really the greatest experience at the beginning and certainly a challenge, I don't think I would change a thing about any of it. I don't wish my ex ill will. The ex's BF, I mean, I wouldn't cry if he got devoured by a bear, but hey whaddaya want?

Pic of me, my GF, and my kids attached


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Thrilled that it all worked out for you. Life is good when the toxin is out of your life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Awesome update gridcom.
Great picture, hope things keep going well for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Grid!!!!!! I'm so happy you're doing well!

OMG your gf looks like younger Bette Middler.

Thanks so much for the update. I'm glad you're not worried about what your ex does.....i knew my marriage to my now ex was over when I didn't care what he did. 

And owning your part has made you a better partner for your adorable gf.

Good job!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

So glad to hear things took an upturn for you and you are happy now. If definitely helps people new to their problems to hear there is life after infidelity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

gridcom said:


> My thread is closed, but the link is here
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You guys look great!

So glad you checked in and I'm glad it worked well for you.

I was really worried for you there for a bit!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Is this picture taken in Disney, in the marketplace?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The best revenge you can get is NONE. Be too busy with your life that you don't think of them at all. Your ex deserves a certain amount of respect, not for herself, but as your daughters mother. They need to be assisted to buy birthday, Christmas, mothers day gifts and cards. You aren't doing this for your ex, but for your daughters.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@gridcom! Thanks for updating us.

So glad things worked out for you.

If you want your thread re-opened, we can do that for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Love success stories!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Love success stories!


Living another day is a success story!


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Gridcom, I never met you before, but I’ve read your previous posts. Just like to say good on you. Keep on keeping on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Thanks for the follow up. I always like it when people come back and let us know how things are going in the long term. 

I really hope you stick around and offer people going through similar situations now your insights, wisdom and experience. You have so much to offer to someone who feels like their life is caving in now.


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## gridcom (Jul 10, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Grid!!!!!! I'm so happy you're doing well!
> 
> OMG your gf looks like younger Bette Middler.
> 
> ...


Thank you!!!!


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## gridcom (Jul 10, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> So glad to hear things took an upturn for you and you are happy now. If definitely helps people new to their problems to hear there is life after infidelity.


I think this is the biggest takeaway. It's clear for anyone that read through my post or followed me into the depths of despair, and if it was relatable, that now 5+ years later, it really leaves just a scar. If it's an open wound, and you are convinced it will simply never heal, it does. It takes time, and it definitely is a lie the first time you say "I'm over it". I feel fortunate that I found my (ex) girlfriend at the time that I did, as I was just around that time (2.5 years) getting to the end of grieving. At the time my GF came back into my life, my ex wife was like 4 ex's removed from my most recent ex via dating. Dating was a trip and I could probably write a ton about just that 2 year period of my life. I was relationship minded from the start of dating, but I was definitely not ready for it. And refused to believe that I wasn't ready. The first woman I dated after my ex, which was 10 months after my D day and 4 months after I got my own place, that woman came with me to New Orleans for Jazz Fest literally as our second date. I didn't give a single ****, you know? I was just like full throttle "eff it", and I was really into her and she probably saw that there was some instability there and some open wounds and scrammed. I was bummed, but I got over it fast.

The main thing is that it does feel OK with time, and your ex doesn't consume your thoughts and all the things that are happening in the beginning and you feel will never go away, definitely go away. Especially if you are honest with yourself and keep your head on straight


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## gridcom (Jul 10, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> Is this picture taken in Disney, in the marketplace?


No, Citi Field in Queens, pre COVID


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## gridcom (Jul 10, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Thanks for the follow up. I always like it when people come back and let us know how things are going in the long term.
> 
> I really hope you stick around and offer people going through similar situations now your insights, wisdom and experience. You have so much to offer to someone who feels like their life is caving in now.


That's real tricky. The last time I was on here back in Oct of 2017, right before my girlfriend walked into my life (again), I read a few posts from other people and started getting really upset. I haven't read any today, but I might. I definitely think it's important to return the favor, and I am pleasantly surprised by those that are still here.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Gridcocm--

I hope you can stay on here and share your experience and perspectives.
I think many people who are facing a situation like you did would benefit from hearing about what you learned. At the very least, they may learn that they are not alone.

I know your path was different from others; you were tending to follow a pathway advocated by jld, which was not popular among the other posters in your thread. In the long run, that didn't save your marriage, as you are now divorced from your ex. I think you might have a different perspective from many who post here.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Good to hear from you, Grid. That's an awesome update.

Wasn't you XW's squeeze a barista or something? Heh.

Are you still dealing with anger issues, or was that a post-infidelity phase?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## gridcom (Jul 10, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Good to hear from you, Grid. That's an awesome update.
> 
> Wasn't you XW's squeeze a barista or something? Heh.
> 
> ...


Thank you. It's funny you mention the anger issues. Meaning that I haven't ever went back and read the things I wrote, I just know that I am always pretty expressive/dynamic and at that time was absolutely raw. I am currently not dealing with any anger issues, but I guess part of that is that I have't really had anything to be angry about. My girlfriend has called me the "most Zen, least Buddhist" person she has ever met, which obviously I take as a huge compliment. I definitely live far to the side of reason and logic, and also am big on justice on the issues that I feel most passionate about (including the Mets and Frank Zappa), and certainly I grew up in a house with a lot of anger, so I'm sure it's there. And also I negotiate for a living (talent agent), so that tempo and amplification follows me when the work day is done, which I'm sure I talked about when I wrote. I tend to get a lot done in my workday, and it's because of a tempo my mind can go to that is simply hard to slow down. I did go to therapy for about a year, maybe longer. And then I didn't. 

Yes, the ex wife BF worked at Starbucks. Not sure he does now.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Awesome update, glad it all worked out, your GF looks pretty and your kids look happy!


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

That's awesome Grid. 

Things always have a way of working out if you let them.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Go Mets!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow!
Congrats. glad it all worked out in the end.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Grid congrats on your new improved life. I seem to recall I spent a lot of time with my foot up your ass. Please charge it to my head and not my heart, as I was doing it in your best interests. 

Your GF is a doll by the way. Good job!


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