# I don't to seperate but would it be best if we did?



## Logan030 (Oct 3, 2010)

Hello. This is my first time posting here so please bear with me. Even if no one responds to my post it'll help that I can at least talk about this out loud to someone who will listen, for that I thank you for reading.

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now, we've been together for about 3 years total and were friends before that for another 5 years. We're both 23 and have a 9 month old little girl.

We've just had an arguement, one of many in the last few months, and she told me she wanted me out the house, so I left. Today started well, we got up, dressed my daughter and I started to sort through some clothes from the tumble dryer, some were still wet so I put them back in the dryer. When I told her what I'd done she blew up. Told me I should've hung the clothes outside instead of wasting money running the dryer. I told her I thought I was helping to which she replied I was pathetic and stupid. I turned off the dryer, went down stairs to make breakfast and she followed me into the kitchen to carry on telling me my many faults including how useless, stupid and pathetic I am. I started having a go back saying she didn't have to explode and all she had to do was to tell me its not a good idea to use the dryer. She kept going on and saying it should've been obvious and once again, telling me I was stupid and pathic. After a while of this I blew up myself. I threw the milk carton across the room and I felt like I wanted to hit her but I didn't. You have to believe me that I am not a violent person but recently she has really started to push all the right buttons to piss me off.

I was made redundant last year and was unable to find work, there was a recession on at the time in the UK so work was scarce. I started a college course so I could get a better job and I found work over the summer. I recently have been offered a new job, I will be taking a pay cut but I will be getting useful engineering experience that will help with college course.

Times have been really hard with money for the last year and a half. Constantly I am being told it is my fault and that I am dragging her down. I suffered from low self esteem from losing my job and she really didn't help. In fact she told me I was annoying and to just get over it, which again, really didn't help how I was feeling. Not to mention telling me how useless I was and know wonder that no one would hire me. I had no job and couldn't pay my side of the rent or bills. She had to because she was the only one earning. That was a prime point for arguements. She tells me I owe her money for paying all the rent and bills last year, that she had a life before me and lots of money. I didn't have a job and I was applying for new jobs everyday but that didn't seem to matter to her.

My Gran died last november which was a really hard time for me, my wife was pregnant at the time and told me she didn't have the time to deal with me. My parents are very distant people to me, its hard to get any kind of reaction from them, so I was alone in my grief. We had a walk and she told me she was sorry for not being there for me. We got on for a couple of days untill the funeral came. In the morning while we were rushing to get ready she layed into me. Telling me were we going to be late, telling me we can't go because it would be embarrasing. Then she started saying how my Gran would be disappointed in me and I would ruin her funeral and refusing to get ready herself. I exploded and called a taxi. She then got ready and drove us to the crematorium, she refused to drive all the way because lo and behold, we were late afterall. She dropped me off and drove away, just as I was running down the lane I saw my Grans coffin being taken into the crematorium. I could go in now. I had missed my Grans funeral because my wife simply couldn't back off and get ready. The whole day was about her not about my Gran or about my grief. I walked home in the rain and when I got home she gave this big speech about how she was sorry, a bit late I thought.

Then my daughter was born, my wife was going to be induced but she had to be rushed into an emergency caesaren becuase the doctors thought out baby was under distress. Half hour later my daughter was born and my wife was stitched up and laid up in hospital for a few days untill Christmas Eve. We all went home and had a stressful few days adapting to having a baby. My wife got postnatal depression, I was still unemployed at this time so I was home to help. I look back at this time and I don't think I was supportive enough of her during the hardest time of her life. We almost lost our baby and we had no help from family. I should've taken control and got her some help. Help did come but she got it for herself. After many weeks of depression and having this poor baby that my wife resented and I began to regret having, we actually started getting somewhereand bonding with our baby. She started going out with my daughter and I could see how much better she was feeling. I took my girl out too and I fell completely in love with the little bundle. 

Then the arguements started again. Pathetic, useless, stupid and many more names became a daily fact of my life. I HAD let her down though and I felt so ashamed of myself that I had failed them both. I started volunteering at a care home so I would be out the house, as at this point I had been home everyday for about 8 months. Thats going to put strain on any relationship so we started getting on again now I had a "job".

Occasionally we argued but when I got a paid job over the summer and I passed my first year of college we were all doing well and were a happy family. Money was a big problem but we dealed with that together. The last few months have become worse however.

There are some things I haven't explained yet. My family are very withdrawn, emotion isn't always shown, although I am different to my parents in this matter, I still find communicating about feelings hard and I am a generally quiet person. Neither am I good with money, I had about £1000 of dept when we moved in together, and another £1000 on a credit which I stupidly kept secret through fear she would leave me. She had always said she would leave if I ever got a credit card. When she found out she went ballistic. Which was completely understandable, I'd hidden debt from her, that was wrong and I should've had the balls to tell her. Also, I am not so good at housework, I make many mistakes which I think are small, like not dusting every week, cleaning up spillages with the wrong cloth, and like today were I used the dryer instead of hanging the clothes out to dry. I was bullied most of my childhood and with my brother's death I had no way to express myself, no I feel I'm in a relationship were I am bullied and I can't express myself.

I am accepting I make mistakes and I try to not make them again, but I do and this drives her insane.

Another thing I haven't mentioned is about her. She has alcoholic parents that emotionally abused her and sometimes physically too. She has very little contact with them and they refuse to even talk about the way they treated my wife. Weakness was something to be punished in her family and shouting at the top of your voice was the only way to be heard. We talked a lot about our arguements, about how she explodes and I accept that the way she deals with me is a result of her childhood. I am supportive of this and I understand why and how she treats me.

But sometimes its just too much. Too many times have I been reduced to tears with her still standing in my face shouting at the top of her voice. Sometimes she apologises but sometimes she doesn't. She's better since my daughter was born but she still says some horrible things to me, I've learnt to ignore some of it but some still hurt. Recently I've begun to react to any form of arguement by walking away, and when she follows I get very angry, sometimes I end up throwing something across the room and twice have I actually pushed her out of my way. I don't know whats happening to me. I am not violent but when she starts shouting I feel so threatened.

Most of the time we get on and we have a good time. I look forward to coming home from work and she looks forward to spending time with me. Its just the arguements, I can't stand them anymore. I dread making any form of mistake because 9 times out of 10 it'll result in an arguement. She does control herself somtimes and I can see it hurts her when she hurts me. She's started getting therapy and she's starting to blossom, I'm proud of her making friends and feeling more confident and I'm proud about how great a mum she is. 

I know I make a lot of mistakes, I'm not good with money and the things I am good at are work and college but she doesn't see any of this. Maybe its understandable for her to think I'm useless because thats what she sees at home. And I tell her I won't do things wrong again and that I'll try but in the end, I once again make little mistakes. I used to be a strong man but now I feel worn down and tired.

I love her, she loves me and we both love our little girl but I don't know where we are going anymore. I don't want my daughter in the middle of a destructive relationship, she deserves a better life than that and if I did leave I wouldn't be leaving my daughter, she's the best things about my life.

I just don't know whether my wife and I are any good for each other anymore and whether or not I should pack my bags and leave. I think a womans perspective would really help.

Thank you so much.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Finished reading your post. I feel sorry for you. Few women can be sane when her husband doesn't have a job. But it wasn't your fault. The economy had been so bad for so long, and you are young. She is very disrespectful towards you. She is making all the mistakes a good woman wouldn't make. 

What you fought over with this morning is just tiny, but she made such a big deal. The only thing I can forgive her is that she is young and she doesn't know how to control her anger. But all the other name calling is just not right. The good thing is you have a job now. If she doesn't learn how to be a decent woman, she is going to lose you. You are only 23, there are still many many many years ahead. 

Does she ever do anything to make you feel good? 

And there is a thread going on these days, it is called MODERN MEN....at the men's club. Please go through the thread, you are going to learn a lot from that thread. And it might be a good idea for your wife to know this website, she should learn how to be a good wife. You can delete you thread before you tell her about this website.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/17010-modern-men-warning-long.html


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