# Looking for advice on fixing sex life with wife



## freeboro (Apr 27, 2011)

It has become apparent, since birth of our son that I either don't turn my wife on anymore, or she can't let herself go anymore. She went through some postpartum issues and started seeing a counselor regarding that and our sex life. She's always had a generally low libido (aside from when we were in college and it was all "new"). Outside of that though, it was hard to get her going, but once we got going she enjoyed it, would get horny, and would orgasm 9 times out of 10.

Since our son was born, the "low libido" has gone MIA and we've even had her hormones tested on top of counseling, her using a weekly lubricant, and her just trying to "man up" and do it (per her counselors instruction). She is something of a workaholic and admits to not being able to “turn work off”. I can’t control this I know. One thing I can control, and I’m working on, is I’m always hounding her for sex. Be it comments about it, groping, peeking in on her in the shower, etc, I just can’t let it be and I know I really need to knock it off. I talked this over with my counselor last night in fact and will not make any advances unless invited to do so by her. My fear is by doing this is though, that I don’t want her to think that I’ve lost interest in her.

In the 2 years since he was born, she's had 1 orgasm and admittedly never really gets horny. While we used to do a fair amount of foreplay (licking, sucking, fondling, etc) now there is none. Everything either "tickles" too much or "feels funny" (oversensitive nipples for example). Foreplay now has been relegating to making out, getting naked and her sliding me between her legs and grinding on it to try and get the juices flowing. Needless to say it's boring and by the time she's "ready", I just can't hold on very long because I've had so much stimulation, particularly with her not being very wet.

She does not like fellatio performed on her, never really has, it’s always “ticked too much”, maybe I’m not good at it, but hell, if I can’t “practice” and she won’t tell me what to do, how am I supposed to get better? I honestly cannot tell you the last time she even let me kiss it or give it a quick lick. She has no problem going down on me and will often offer if she can tell I’m in the mood and she doesn’t feel like intercourse for whatever reason. 

We are having problems in the marriage (see my post in the “General Relationships” forum for details), but this was prior to me finding out about the issues. Even since she told me about the issues (about a month) she’s gone down on me 3-4 times in the shower and while she’s always been good at it, she’s gone above and beyond lately. Letting me fondle her while she’s doing it and going so far as to nearly D.T. me. When I mentioned this to her after, she said “I was really gagging, but could tell you really needed it and I was happy to do it for you.” She will not let me return the favor in anyway though, saying she’s “Not there”, in the same place in our relationship that I am.

In the past we have tried different lubes, a little bit of porn, and some toys. She once upon a time really like “the Bullet” I bought her, but has never tried the dildo. She said it weirds her out and if she wants something like that inside her, she wants it to be me. She has never really masturbated and gets all squeamish \ shy when I’ve brought it up.

I know the relationship problems need to be fixed, and we’re working on that. But the next time we give “it” a go, I’d like to be more prepared with some ideas if any of you have any for me. FYI, I don’t know when the last time we had actual sex was, it’s probably been 6 weeks?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Have you guys ever considered making appointments for sex? Like pencil it in on your calandar so she knows when it is coming and to prepare for it and you wouldn't have to feel like you were constantly "bothering" her by your advances.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

The only reason I say that is because I could go a long time without sex. I just don't think about it that much. I know my husband needs it to feel loved, so what I do know is keep a journal. In that journal I make a note of all the days I give him a bj and days I initiate sex. It helps me to stay on track and not go too long without it. 

It may seem crass to some, but it works for me and has done wonders for me and hubby's sex life.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

themrs said:


> The only reason I say that is because I could go a long time without sex. I just don't think about it that much. I know my husband needs it to feel loved, so what I do know is keep a journal. In that journal I make a note of all the days I give him a bj and days I initiate sex. It helps me to stay on track and not go too long without it.
> 
> It may seem crass to some, but it works for me and has done wonders for me and hubby's sex life.


I think my best friend does this. She has 3 kids and could go long periods of time without sex but knows her husband needs it. While I don't need to do it I do have a journal that I keep up with it too. It's an old on-line fertility calendar that I used when I was trying to get pregnant. I still track the days we have sex. I can now predict with amazing accuracy the days my husband will be most turned on. There are patterns. Yes I'm a nerd.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I think my best friend does this. She has 3 kids and could go long periods of time without sex but knows her husband needs it. While I don't need to do it I do have a journal that I keep up with it too. It's an old on-line fertility calendar that I used when I was trying to get pregnant. I still track the days we have sex. I can now predict with amazing accuracy the days my husband will be most turned on. There are patterns. Yes I'm a nerd.


I think that's a great idea! I think I may start to do it online too.

And yes, I have 4 kids and I feel like this is the only way we would have sex as much as we do. Whatever works!


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

My ex was like your wife. We didn't divorce because of the lack of sex, although it didn't help matters either.

At her peak, we would have sex maybe twice per month. Three times per week when we were trying have children, but the average over the course of ten years was probably once per month. There were times when we didn't have sex for 2-3 months at a time. I have an extremely active libido which didn't help.

If she is just not feeling it, then oral won't help. I wouldn't give up hope, though. My suggestion is to increase your non-sexual intimacy as much as is possible.

Take her on dates where she does not have to do anything but be your lady. Kiss her in public, in the car, at home, but don't use your kissing as a prelude to a sexual advance. Take sex off the table for a while. Let her know that every time you approach her you are not looking for sex.

Give her lots of physical attention without any expectations. Don't set a time limit, just do it to show that she is important to you and that you love her. 

Let her know that you love her with and without the sex. She knows full well that you want sex more than she does. Try to help her get the feeling back without attempting to have sex. Build the intrigue in your relationship so that she will want to express her love for you sexually.

I think romance and love are the answers here...not a new sex toy, or a different position or sexual technique. Keep it platonic and loving for a while.

That's my advice. Take care, Freebro.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stop groping her. Stop invading her privacy by peeking. Those are the worse things you can do. Groping is a giant turn off and she may think of the peaking as perverted. It is not of course but, you know, peeping tom.


BTW I don't know why men do that women say they don't like. Is it an act of hostility?


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## freeboro (Apr 27, 2011)

themrs, prior to getting pregnant, we'd pretty much worked out a routine that we referred to as "sunday night nookie" or "snn". It just worked out that that was the best night for us to do it and while I wanted it more often, we made it work. I knew I was at least going to get it then and she'd occasionally put out in some regard during the week. It worked great, but now there's just no desire there to do that really.

luckyman, I think you're right and I need to take that approach. Like you, I have a very active libido and it's definitely going to be a struggle for me.

Catherine, I know I need to stop, and I've pledge to her tonight that I will, both the groping and the peeking, unless invited to do so. I don't know why we do it either. I don't think it's an act of hostility in any way, she just really turns me on, I think she has a great body and I love to see her naked. I guess I feel / felt like if I don't take the initiative, then she won't either and overall that the act of grabbing her butt or peeking while she's changing / showering is relatively harmless. She's never really said to knock it off, so I haven't. If you read my other thread, you'll understand that her not saying "knock it off" or anything like that to me is part of the overall problem in our relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

is there a way to find out if theses things anoyed her or turned her off and she didn't say abnything because she may have felt guilty for not taking care of yopu?

I ask becuse sometimes women will not say they don't like something for fear of hurtimng their husbands so they just endure it. Or they may think that it is a normal guy thing that they need to tolerate. 

I think it is important to find out because she may harbor resentment and that can scotch things fast. You might want to apologize just once with dignity and follow it up with action. The more you give the appearance of command over yourself, and confidence and leadership, the more sexually attractive most women will find you. 

Don't dwell on what you are doing wrong let it go and just act and enough said. If you seem really upset or say it over and over, you will appear weak. Try to appear strong, in control of your self and the leader of the family. 

No matter what the circumstances are be commanding in a respectful kind of way. It is too bad you can't show how you feel too much but to get the dynamic you want, but you have to do it. 

If you need to talk, go to a trusted male friend or post in the Mens Clubhouse or PM MEM or Deejo, they will listen to you and advise. Unfortunately you can't share too much of your angst with your wife or you will appear weak.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

love your advice --- hats off to you Luckyman ....


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## freeboro (Apr 27, 2011)

Catherine, I'm sure they annoyed her but she knows she has hang-ups regarding sex and just let me get away with them because she felt guilty and I'm sure YEARS of me still doing it (as I said, I figured it was mostly harmless) didn't help, but since she never made a big deal of it, I assumed it wasn't one.

I'm sure there is resentment and that's what scares me most. I did apologize the other night and promised to not do any of the stuff I've done in the past and I haven't. I've only seen her naked once as she got out of the shower, I'd chased our 2 year old into the bathroom to nab him before he climbed in the shower with her and she knew I was in there but she shut off the water and opened the curtain herself, that wasn't any of my doing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've discovered that over the long run most people don't change their feelings nor their emotions. Their ability or desire to cover them up though fades. In my own instance I really don't think my wife's lack of feeling for me is new or different or even progressive. I do believe as we get older she no longer gives a damn about pretending. We've tried all that married dating stuff. Pointless. We're the same people.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Free dont harp on the apology, sounds like your were sincere, so now your actions will say it all. 

I am LD and my husband high. I don't like a man asking for sex, I think it is undignified and a little like I'm giving him something and not us sharing. What we do is 3 or 4 times a week we have sex, we worked out what turns me on. I clear my mind of distractions and he warms me up the way I need. We start slowly before bed while sitting together. 

Sometimes I can't get in the mood, does not happen often when that happens we do other things for him. Since your wife is willing to work on this, would she be willing to commit to say 2 times a week and you don't ask but get her warmed up and then proceed? 

It really works well, I don't think of sex 3 times a week maybe once a week but, that does not mean I cant have sex and enjoy it. That is the mistake LD people make. Just because you dont feel desire spontaneously does not mean you it cannot be coxed to life. It's important to know that and accept it and the HD partner work to get his/her partner. 

That's why groping does not work. If the LD person is not thinking of sex yet they will not like an abrupt approach. If you both work out what she likes and the pace it may work for you. Just remember to not proceed to quickly to the goodies that is a real turn off for some women. So just find out what she likes.

The nice thing is that you can touch her non sexually on the days you dont have sex. Affection is really important to some women so it is nice toi have it and know that it will not lead to sex. She can also approach you and be affection. Of course if she wants to initiate she can.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> She has no problem going down on me and will often offer if she can tell I’m in the mood and she doesn’t feel like intercourse for whatever reason.


This may not help much, but based on this statement it sounds like you are in a better spot than you think you are! There are times when I would kill for a good bj


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## crazycat25 (Mar 31, 2011)

Oh my gosh! The peeking and groping thing is exactly what my husband does and I resent it terribly. You know you are going to be fine though because you are really trying. You met with a counselor and you are working to improve! That's great news! Your wife will cone around. 

My hubby not only peeks in the shower .. He grabs me and makes comment about how I looked like I lost a little off my belly. (I'm a size 2). He will say keep that working out going strong! Now I have terrible resentment. But I have asked my hubby to stop it. In fact the therapist has told him too. He's not listening and I'm on the verge of leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Its probably because you have been married for however long and sex loses its luster after a while. If you do something regularly, then it becomes boring. Its like if you played tennis every 3 days for 20 years.. do you think it would still be interesting and exciting? I doubt it. You might then find ten pin bowling to be more exciting because its new. Maybe take up a different hobby for a while, and then when you go back to having regular sex again it will once again have its excitement and novelty value.


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