# Chasing an old flame



## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Hi-

So here's my story. I'm in the middle of a painful seperation, my W has been having an affair for the last 6 months. I'm on my own now, I still hurt, and I'm lonely.

A few weeks back I stopped by my old workplace and bumped into a woman that I have had feelings for since high school. (I'm 28) We always got along great, bought each other little gifts, flirted, and confided in each other. But she always had a BF, and I always had a GF. We never hooked up. She was the only person that ever made me doubt my marriage...at my wedding, which she was a guest, I was unable to even look in her direction.

So this was the first time I've seen her in close to 2 years, and the moment I saw her all the feelings I had for her came back ten fold. I told her about my situation, and she cried for me. I can't explain how it made me feel, but it was like it was the first time anyone, including my stbx, has shown any emotion for me in a long time. We talked for a bit, she asked for my number, asked me to come back to see her the next day, and I left. But for the first time in a long time, I was happy. 

I went back the next day, and when she went on break we talked for a bit. I knew a little bit about her BF, but the things I learned that day made me sick. He's abusive, manipulating, has cheated on her several times, and hits her. She often hides in a closet from him.

Hearing all this broke my heart. She is the sweetest, quietest girl I have ever met, and she deserves so much better! She wants a family and children, but I can't imagine the type of life they would lead.

I work with the girls family, her brother is my boss and a good friend, as is his wife and her mother. I spoke to my boss's wife, and she told me that while at my wedding, the girl had broke down and confessed how she felt about me to her, and how she regreted not telling me how she felt. So the whole time I had something great staring me in the face, and I let it slip away...only to end up with a woman that neglected me and left me flat.

After I left her that day, I went to a friend that makes jewlery and had him give me a crash course. I made her a necklace, and went back the next day to see her. I used to buy her little gifts now and then, and would even leave flowers on her car when I knew she was having a bad day. But I never told her they were from me. I wanted to give her something personal. I confessed my feelings towards her, gave her the necklace, and basically said that the next time her and her BF have a fight, to look at it and think about what I said. She looked really happy, thanked me, and said she had a lot of thinking to do. I'm not a rich man, but I have a steady job, I'm a nice guy, and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help her. Just talking to her is putting myself in danger. I know its not the best idea, but it kills me to see her like this.

I stopped back in yesterday to see her, and I knew instantly something was wrong. She wouldn't look at me. I sat down next to her and asked her what was going on, and still not looking at me, said she had to be honest with me, that she did not feel the same way towards me, that she loves her BF and although things weren't great, they were getting better, and that she valued my friendship. SHe also said that time would tell. The entire time, she wouldn't look at me, and she was wiping her eyes. I know her well enough to know she was crying...but I don't know why. I hide how I was feeling, hugged her, and told her that she is still one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, that I didn't totally believe her, and that she was worth waiting for. She had to go back to work, so I said its ok, I have to go take care of my paperwork. She lit up for a second and asked me if I had signed the seperation papers yet...confusing.

I left and thought a lot about it last night. In fact, I don't think I slept. I know that the situation is stacked against me, and I'm not really in the position to start seeking a new relationship. I've felt alone for a long time, but I'm not even legally seperated yet. My stbx is already with someone new, and I guess I am looking to the future. I didn't expect any miracles, but I did not expect to be rejected so quickly. I realize now that my timing was way off and that I came on to strong. And the fact that my marriage is just ending probably doesn't inspire much confidence in her. And I'm sure she is scared.

I don't know what to do from here. I really care about this girl, and her entire family is backing me on it. I know that I have to get my life together. I know that I am not going to get back together with my stbx. Its not an option. I would like to have a relationship with the other girl sometime in the future, I know it would take time for both of us to be ready for such a commitment...at the same time, I don't want to damage our friendship more than I may have already. But how can I possibly show her that she deserves better when I have almost no access to her, except for maybe 15 minutes while she is at work, without looking like a stalker? Her BF combs her phone records, and will not allow her to have any contact with other guys.

I don't know what to do, or how to proceed. I intend to leave her alone for awhile, but I don't want her to feel like she was just my shot at a rebound girl. I don't blame her for reacting to me the way she did, but I am positive that if she once had feelings for me, that they are still there. I just feel really foolish at this point, and could use a little guidance. Given the fact that my stbx was able to carry on an affair under my nose for 6 months, I don't really trust my judgement anymore.

And someday I'll learn to write shorter posts. I swear!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Best thing you can do? Stop giving her gifts and making your pursuit obvious. She now knows how you feel, so back off. Way off.

Encourage her to take care of herself. Want better for herself. Then take this same advice yourself.
Let her know if she ever needs help or someone to talk to, that she can call you.

I did _exactly_ what you are doing. Right down to the old flame. It's a bad idea. Assume for a moment that this is a woman that you _would_ want to pursue a relationship with. Doing so while caught up in the thick of your own separation and divorce is a grave error. It's a means of avoidance and you will be selling the relationship short. You are hoping for wonderful and happy, while neck-deep in the muck of your dying marriage. In my case we had the whirlwind romance, and it became too much, way too soon. We both ended up feeling hurt and disillusioned as divorce drama kept coming up.

And another aside ... what makes you think she _wants_ a nice guy? Look at the choice she has made in a partner and continues to make by staying. Factor that in before you put on your shining armor again.

If this is a girl you are interested in, do not chase her. Finish the relationship you are in, then start a new one.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks Deejo. I know your right, that I was/ am just trying to escape and avoid what I am going through. And the fact that I really do care about her makes what I did completly unfair to her, and to myself. The last thing I need in my life is another relationship destined to collapse.
I just think the lonelyness, sadness, and depression finally got the best of me. Knowing the my stbx has already moved on, and is seemingly much happier, is killing me. And I found a moment of happyness in this other girl, and I pounced on it like a fool.
I've got a lot to take care of still. Thank you for reminding me.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Sounds to me like you know what is best. Being newly divorced it does get lonely sometimes and I wish I had a distraction to take those feelings away but I know when my life does come full circle any guy that wanders into it that I have a good connection with then it will be right. So sorry to hear what you're going through. It does get better. Take your time and work through things at your own pace. I've seen too many people try and "soothe" themselves with booze, sex and drugs. In the long run you will be better off dealing with your feelings naturally and resolving things that way. When Miss Wonderful comes into your life you'll be glad you did. Your friend sounds pretty mixed up in the drama of her relationship. Might be best to steer clear and let her deal with what's on her own plate. Be good to yourself.


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