# Lonely souls floods



## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Hi guys.

At first, sorry for my poor english. 
At second, sorry if it is going out to be too long. Well, I have never told anything to anybody, have been keeping all inside for 8 months now. Feeling like it is getting too much to handle inside, have to talk to someone. 
Thanks for giving an option to share this.

We are happily married for almost 7 years.
Unfortunately - no kids. But we are having a medical assistance and are (were?) hoping for the best. Problem is in both of us. Which results in almost a "no chance". But, the story is not about kids.

The life "before" - I am a loving husband. I do love my wife very much, and I am not afraid to let her know about it regularry. Some flowers, presents, surprises, dinner in restaurants, etc. 
Besides, I am a hard worker. I am working 9hrs office day, and beside that I am forced to work at home sometimes. Which means - my wife has a lack of attention in time to time. But... work has to be done for me and her to have a life.... She is not working, we have no kids, she has no hobbies.
So her day was passing:
- socializing on internet.
- telephoning friends
- hanging out with friends. often till late at night.
Now I see the whole picture, but, untill one day - I have never ever suspected her on anything.
All my life vision is based on trust. On my opinion, there can be anything, but if there is no trust, there will be nothing. 
So I really, deeply trust my wife (I am still talking about "before"). I have never ever even had a little thought about anything suspicious. 200% trust.

Well, OK.
Lets get to the interesting part.

One night she was out with her friends. I was ,like always, at home. No problem for me. If she has friends, I am not in the circle - whatever. If I trust her, I really do. So, she arrived at **** on early morning (5.00), totally wasted.
I woke up, helped her to wash off makeup, undress, put to bed.
Then... She said: "would you mind to share me with other guy?"
I just laughed loud and said "Sleep".
But could not get any sleep my self anymore. I was thinking, what did she want to say with this?
I got out of bed, and went for her phone. Least to say, I have NEVER EVER got into anything private of other person. Even my wife. Never. A wallet, a bag, even a pocket - I never get into something that is not mine. I respect privacy. And I trust.
Well, this time was the first time.
Phone revealed one interesting conversation, taking place on a previous evening.
Incoming: Can I call you?
Outgoing: Text.
Incoming: Room 489, reception is informed, that I am waiting for someone.

Can not describe what got thru me at the moment. You can imagine.
I just sat down and could not have my thoughts together.
Next day, sunday, was all blurred. I tried not to think about it, and tried to avoid my wife as much as it was possible without feeling rude.

On monday I got some detective to it. Our city is small, so there was a chance, he could find something out. So I armed him with her visual details, what she was wearing saturday night, text messages and a photo of my wife.
Couple days later I got address of hotel, details of the guy etc.
I did nothing with it.
In background I updated her computer with a keylogger and her phone was connected to a bugging system.
So from then I could have all info what is going thru her computer and her cellphone.

There was a lot.
She was having an affair for about half year. I got many many details about it. Full conversation on a dating site containing more than 100 pages on a small font printout.
Many detailed talk about what did they do to each other and how they liked it etc.

About a week after the "day she asked me about sharing", I told her I know about her and him.
Of course, she was very surprised and denied everything. She was boiling up, starting to scream on me that I do not believe her, I do not respect her as I can blame her in something so amorale.
I just layed out some facts. Hotel names, some of the dates they had spent together, name of her lover, car he drives....
Then was a silence for couple days. I was all in work.
Some days passed, I asked her to have a talk.
She said, she had a lack of passion, lack of attention, lack of bla bla.
On the other side, I had all logs of her activities. And I was informed, her lover is away for a hlaf year to work outside of the country.
OK. We decided to try to make things work.

I still believed in us. I knew, everybody can have a mistake, everybody deserves a chance. And I understood, there are always two sides of a coin. So I payed her lot more attention. New things in everyday routine, new things in sex, etc.
I have completely quit drinking (I have never been drinking much, a social drinker).
I am regullary in a gym now. I have built up my body. I have never been in bad shape, but now I am in very good shape. For her. And for me. Just to feel better. Just something, I can have happiness. To lift weights ,and get all bad energy out.
On the other hand, I keeped an eye on her. And that was not an easy to handle, because of what kept coming up. OK, her boy was gone to africa, but shee was conversating on dating site with tons of others. There were even some dates. Of course, I was told, she goes out with her friends, girls.
She just was not aware that NOW I KNOW.
I could not break everything.
She has no job. She has nothing. No home, No money. How can I throw her out? On street? Her lover is gone for a half year....
So I again sat her down and striclty said: OK, lets make things work. BUT - If you will ever sleep with him. I will not be able to live with that. That will be end. And him or any other. Just DON'T.
OK, she agreed.
And continued.
She had a trip to an ocean for a couple of weeks. And had an affair there as well. You guys know how I know. 
I asked here how was a trip, was all fine, nothing happened? Of course nothing, I was told. All good. She tells me loves me. 
happy family. Loving wife.

In background, some skype chats wth her african lover, some text messaging, etc. Thay had a fights, had a love texting, like a real loving couple. 

Now is the time he is coming back to town from foreign lands.
After two days.
They have not made any dating plan yet.
But, if they will meet... That would be even better. I could finish this all.

No one of our freinds (except all her girls)... no one of our friends we have together, both of us, knows anything about it. Everybody looks us as the dream couple. I just can not tell anyone, I just can not do that to her. 

I don't know.
I will not read this to look for grammar mistakes, sorry for that.
I was happy I could lay something out, at last.

I don;t know, what I am waiting from you. Just write aything that comes on your mind, I will value it.

P.S.
I guess my story looks like I am totally depressed. But, no, I am fully dedicated to work, I am not drinking, I am going to gym and have completely changed my eating habits to healthy food. I have changed my life. I feel good. Just the "little" thing, that feels like a ton of bricks on my shoulders - she does not love me... why does she do this? Is she really so stupid thinking it is the beast way to live her life? Sad, if so... It is going to end sooner or later, I know this. And I am very, very sad about it. 

Thank you all.
Have a good day, give and get a lot of true love.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Welcome karval.Glad you were able to get this out here and sorry for your situation.What I don't understand is knowing all you know why are you still with this woman? Is she not a stranger to you? Also you might want to stop providing her with the means to go on vacation and girls nights out.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Welcome to TAM! I am so sorry you are hurting and are here but maybe you can find the tools and advice you need to feel better.

I have no good advice to stop your pain. You are already doing everything I would suggest except maybe doing something other than work during your free time? Feed your soul.

It seems to me your wife is used to getting what she wants, when she wants it. She is so used to being in control so cannot fathom you have any idea about her affairs.

You have given your wife enough rope to hang herself. I do not know if you wish to try and save the marriage or if it is possible. What I do know is that if you do wish to try and save the marriage you need to stop her now.

My best to you! Your English is great so don't worry about that at all.


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Thank you guys! 

I feel beter, when I can have a talk about it. It really helps. 

To try to answer...
I was trying to save my marriage while ago - when I started to give her more attention, more passin, went to gym etc.
I got no input from her.
That killed my trying to get everything back. It will never be as it was before. NEVER. Theres not a doubt about it at all.

Why I do not leave her?
I can not.
Because of I worry about her. Not as a love of my life, not as a sexual object or anything. Just a simple humanity... As a person that is (was?) close to me. And I can not leave a close person to drawn.... I will support her until - two options: 1st - she will sleep with her lover again. 2nd - she will have financial options, and will not be dependant on me. Then I can go.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

okay good job on the execution of the fact finding with the detective. good job on the waiting till you had damning evidence. Now the part you need work on is follow through. 
You caught her and now you need to tell her how it is going to be in your marriage or she needs to leave. She was not neglected by you, she was meeting her needs with the other man. Therefor the minute your wife started meeting her emotional and physical needs out side of the marriage. You cannot be blamed for the problems in the marriage. The reason is she had chosen to compromise your marriage and open up to this OM. Which means she was closed off to you. 

This is the standard routine we reccommend. 
1) she needs to end all contact with the other man. No communication until the day one of you dies or are no longer married.
2) She is to provide total unrestricted access to phone, email, facebook, and any other forms of communication that she uses.

3)create a list of demands that you need her to complete in order for you to even consider staying married to her. ( marriage councilor, individual counciling, end any friendships that enabled or supported her infidelity.)

4) if you have not looked up the "180" search and find the cwi newbie thread. The "180" is a guide to prepare yourself to leave or Reconcile. You should focus on what you want and need right now. Your Waywards spouse should be there for you but, the object of the 180 is to get your mind in a place where you can process and deal with these horrible emotions of betrayal, confusion, anger, and frustration. Then enable you to think rationally and not make poor decisions. To prevent the Wayward spouse from using your emotions against you or putting all the blame on you. 
Your wife may not ever accept the blame in this. She may not show remorse for her actions. She may try to put everything on you and just deny that she did anything wrong. In which case you need to move on and find someone who respects you and loves you enough to be faithful. If there is any hope for reconciliation she has to be the one who, admits fault, shows true remorse, and be willing to do anything you need to recover from her infidelity. This does not mean you get to control or abuse her. It means that she should willingly provide you with love, affection, understanding, remorse, and total transparency until you are prepared to get over this. You were the one who was betrayed, disrespected, and neglected not her.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The very moment OM arrives send her to him, her stuff in garbage bags, seriously, get rid of her. Tough love, friend. It's a shame but you need to move on with your life. She's gone. Make her to be OM's problem. It's obvious you empathice with her issues but you can't late her drag you into this misery any longer. Time to decide.
Then expose her to all her friends, some of them already know.
Meanwhile embrace the 180.
Let her go.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

karval2012 said:


> Thank you guys!
> 
> I feel beter, when I can have a talk about it. It really helps.
> 
> ...


Understand that is precisely what she wants. People who cheat do so because they live in a fantasy where they have a stable home to run to. But, they still have this taboo, unstable, highly emotional relationship that keeps them off balance. It is like you wife was living with her parents again dating and messing around with men. You remember those days you met girls dated. Had fun and then you fell in love. It is just like that except now she lives with you instead of her parents.

You need to completely shut her off and only provide her with exactly what she needs to get by. You need to pay bills, and give her a roof but you don't need to buy her clothes, flowers, send her out to go have fun. From this point on you will not be her safety platform so she can go cheat and not hang herself. 

I would recommend getting a lawyer to advise you. Make sure you shop around and get the best lawyer that suits you. Then have her served. Then tell her that she has two options get 
a) job and prepare to live on her own. (if you are committed to D) 
b) take what she did seriously and do all the things you asked her to do to stay in the marriage. (only offer this if you are planning to try to Reconcile.)

You have to send a clear, undeniable message to her that infidelity in any form will not be tolerated by you. And you are not going to be taken advantage of or used by her any more. You have to back it up with action or it means nothing.


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

I am so sorry for your pain. I am where you are. Truthfully, at first after hearing about my husband's cheating, I was ready to go but the place fell through. Long story short, I stayed thinking that we could work things out. Remember, it takes two to make a marriage and 1 to completely destroy it. It seems to me that she is taking advantage of you and will continue to cheat. 

Why are you supporting her financially? Other than cheating, what is she bringing to the relationship? Let her get money and security from her other lovers. You deserve better.


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks guys, thanks badbane.
I get your point.
Thing is, I dont need a marriage, that is not based on loyalty, dedication, truth, love. From both partners.
I see the picture.
That it is not going to happen.  It is just gone. GONE.
You can never get a crumpled sheet of paper straight again.
I will not do any lawyer and advising stuff. 
It could only work if SHE would do everything to save this. 
But this is not happening.
I am still here for her. But this is my decision.
I could really say, I am mentally preparing myself for dropping her. I am not ready to strike her out of my life at the moment. I am still attached. But this is changing. I am changing.

And there is a line. She knows it. And she is going to cross it thinking everything will stay the same anyways.

But hen it is over completely. My conscience will not chase me. I hope. And I hope she will not regret it too much. And will never try to see me again. 

Thats what my mind is set to at the moment.
I might be wrong. I might not be able to do it. But I am preparing for it. And I believe I will. Otherwise, my life will be ruined for long time. And I am not willing that to be taking place.

Oriana, I am not a man that can leave somebody helpless with no helping hand. No matter what, she is a close person to me. And I know she will cheat. I am not waiting for anything good anymore. As I am saying, one more hit from her, and she will be left by herself. I am a good person, but I will do this to her. I think she believes I will not leave her. She knows what a person I am. She knows my rules of my life. But she will force me to break them. 

----

Reading stories here, on forum, helps a lot. Feels like unity and a helping shoulder thru all these lines. Best wishes for you all who has come to this forum by any reason.


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## Oriana (Jun 22, 2012)

ok, I understand. You are a great man with a great heart. i hope everything works out for you. Continue to stay strong.


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks, Oriana. Well, all of us have been somewhere good and somewhere bad. Each coin has two sides. But yeah, if you want something, you should try. If you dont try, it means you dont care. Simlpe as that... I admit I was not the most perfect husband, but I was puredly dediacated to her, fully honest and 200% loyal. Thats the least we must do. Not lie coldblooded. After I found out she cheated, I tried my best to save us. She did not. All clear. Fire in the hole....


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You said:
"They have not made any dating plan yet.
But, if they will meet... That would be even better. I could finish this all."

So why can't you "finish this all" now? What more are you waiting for? She cheated on you with this guy, he left so she cheated on you with another guy, and now you're waiting to see if she cheats again? Do you really need a dope-slap on the side of the head to get this? She WILL cheat again, with this guy or someone else.

She has lost all reason for ANYONE to worry about throwing her out on the street.


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Chris, I see same what you see. And I agree.
But.... I think I am just not ready to stricly close it all at the moment. I need one more push.... I am still haveing a microscopic hope, that something, maybe.... No matter what was not able to switch love off like a light bulb. I need one more hit to crash it...

A no backbone person somebody would say? Not in my career, not in my loyalty to persons, not in my friendships and not in my will.
A no backbone person in crushing things. If so, let it be, I can live with that thought... That I tried till the last drop, not to crop off.
But, everybody has some limits. And I will not go below mine. They are streched. And will break. But until, I am still getting myself ready.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

karval2012 said:


> Chris, I see same what you see. And I agree.
> But.... I think I am just not ready to stricly close it all at the moment. I need one more push.... I am still haveing a microscopic hope, that something, maybe.... No matter what was not able to switch love off like a light bulb. I need one more hit to crash it...
> 
> A no backbone person somebody would say? Not in my career, not in my loyalty to persons, not in my friendships and not in my will.
> ...


I really can't see why you need one more push. If she was serious about fixing things, I could see trying but that just doesn't seem to be the case here. You're just waiting for a final push when you have already been pushed at least twice.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

karval2012 said:


> Hi guys.
> 
> At first, sorry for my poor english.
> At second, sorry if it is going out to be too long. Well, I have never told anything to anybody, have been keeping all inside for 8 months now. Feeling like it is getting too much to handle inside, have to talk to someone.
> ...



I am sorry you are here. 

Your Dday sounds very similar to mine with my Cheating spouse and Soon to be ex, (I filed)

He was angry, denied, accused me of being paranoid, was outraged that I snooped( he was used to having 200 percent of my trust, too)
denied and lied until confronted with hard evidence. 

This is known as gaslighting. 

In any case, I am glad you are working on yourself and staying alert. 

I don't think you should feel guilty about kicking her out, if that is what you decide to do. 

She cheated and now she continues to take advantage of your good nature. 

Mine tried to do the same. 

BTW it takes about nine months for the full impact and paranoia to hit. 

I seemed fine at first and then at nine months I was really very suspicious and paranoid, although they say it's not paranoia if you have good reason to be suspicious.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She might be loyal after her lover dumps her. But you cannot count on it. She checked out from the marriage a long time back and you are just enabling her parasitic ass. Think about it. She contributes nothing to the marriage. She is leeching off you. You said you are letting her stay out of humanity. That is not how relationships work. Maybe she is staying with you only because of the financial support you provide. 

You seem to be relatively naive about the whole thing.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She might be loyal after her lover dumps her. But you cannot count on it. She checked out from the marriage a long time back and you are just enabling her parasitic ass. Think about it. She contributes nothing to the marriage. She is leeching off you. You said you are letting her stay out of humanity. That is not how relationships work. Maybe she is staying with you only because of the financial support you provide.
> 
> You seem to be relatively naive about the whole thing.


So danged true.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I read this and I just think wow! You seem to think your doing really well, that you have things pretty together, that your a sort of saint or saviour to your parasite. I just wonder where is your self respect? I could see living in a bit of denial for a while, but this is ridiculous. You let her lie her ass off, right to your face. You finance her cheating. You are as complicit in your own betrayal as her lovers. Unbelievable! Do you think you deserve that treatment deep down?


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## karval2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I know she uses me. I know she does not want me. I know she waits for him to return. I know everything. I am not a fool.
I am scared it will be so, so so very painful when I will kick her out and will be all on nerves - is she ok? nothing bad happened to her? etc. I know myself, this will be the hardest part. 
Bu, I know, this is going to happen. And very soon. I am pretty sure you will get some exciting update next week... :redcard:

Thank you all.  You DO help a lot.


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

karval2012 said:


> I know she uses me. I know she does not want me. I know she waits for him to return. I know everything. I am not a fool.
> I am scared it will be so, so so very painful when I will kick her out and will be all on nerves - is she ok? nothing bad happened to her? etc. I know myself, this will be the hardest part.
> Bu, I know, this is going to happen. And very soon. I am pretty sure you will get some exciting update next week... :redcard:
> 
> Thank you all.  You DO help a lot.


You can kick her out, divorce her, and learn to cope with the grief of a failed marriage, the anguish of a love long gone, and even worry about her from a humane perspective. It's hard letting her go (believe me, I understand). But these are all things you will learn to cope with and you will survive it.

Or, you can let her stay, become a cuckold, finance her affairs with however many other men she feels like being with, and throw all of your self-respect out the window, and if she has ANY respect left for you (seriously doubtful), that too will tossed out. While she will gladly accept your hospitality and freedom to sleep with anyone she wants, she will resent you, despise you, and will eventually begin to openly treat you with contempt and disgust. I wonder how well you will learn to cope with that.


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## TroubledInMI (Sep 4, 2012)

karval2012 said:


> I am scared it will be so, so so very painful when I will kick her out


And no doubt about it, it WILL be so, so so very painful.


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