# Jealous of Husband and Mother in Law relationship



## cawillow (Oct 24, 2016)

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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's not so much that I think his boundrys are right or wrong. I personally think some of his are and some are way off. But the point here is that you had these issues with it an married him anyway knowing that. You can't pretend to be fine with something then change that goalpost after marriage. Best I think you can do now is have an open talk with him about how this makes you feel and see if he can dial it down some and you need to let some of it go and compromise.


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## cawillow (Oct 24, 2016)

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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

People's boundaries with their parents are what they grow up with. You husband have his boundaries, you have yours. If he was Italian he would have had his father kiss him on the lips after a hug. If it was some other family, the thought of kissing a grown man on the lips may induce vomiting. Like Wolf says, you can't change the rule mid-game. You married him and his family is part of who he is.

I also feel that you are a very thin skinned person. When Wolf voiced an opinion, you had to add more details to change his opinion. Is that how you always carry on conversation?

"I feel invalidated" Do you use this term often? Most people simply have an opinion and don't need to have it validated by somebody else.


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## cawillow (Oct 24, 2016)

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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

You rushed into marriage, as you put it. Well as you know when you commit to a person for LIFE there's things that need to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time, you can't just leave it up to chance and things "working themself out" because it rarely happens that way. 

It's pretty clear that you will not allow your husband's mother to move in with you no matter what. 

This is a person who raised your husband from the moment he was born, actually it started 9 months before that but anyway the point is that you take care of family that has taken care of you.

For you to unilaterally decide 'No WAY' she's moving in is really selfish, rigid, and inconsiderate thinking and I'm sure your husband is a lot more upset by your attitude then he lets on. I know I would be. If you love someone you do things to make them happy, you take care of them, which is what your husband wants to do for his mother and what he wants for you to do to him- and obviously that is not what you are thinking because you don't want to be inconvenienced or you're jealous or whatever.


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## cawillow (Oct 24, 2016)

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

I agreed with almost all of your post.

It was a bad decision to rush into a marriage; but I don't think that means you should be sentenced to a life of unhappiness. Everyone needs to work on a lot of things in their marriages that weren't apparent at the start of the relationship.

The massage thing is just squicky. Yuck. No, it doesn't have to be officially incestuous to be downright weird.

I think that she's got one h.ll of a nerve, hinting at moving in with you guys. What a way to cramp a young couple's sex life. You're at the stage where you should be having sex in all the rooms of your home, whenever you feel like it. Not gonna be possible with ma in the background 24/7.

Jealousy, unless it's technical stalking or crazy behavior, is a totally normal emotion. In fact, I think it's to be desired in a LTR. It means the person matters to you and you are passionate about your connection to them. No lukewarm, logical feelings for me, thank-you very much.

I'm only offering support. I don't have any solutions for you.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

cawillow said:


> Thank you for reading my post.
> 
> 
> You're totally right about boundaries being different. I'm not sure if I can agree on the specific example about Italian families, because that is another culture. That's very interesting. You will excuse "culture" but family dynamic that your husband grew up in is not excusable. Not criticizing. Just find it interesting.
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

cawillow said:


> I am willing to listen to others even though I may be in the wrong and *that can be hard* to accept.


Being able and willing to listen to others even if they are critical of you is a big plus.

The next step is to lay out their critical response, their encouragement, their [agree with you's] in a circle.

Does it cover/encircle all your needs, your aims, your questions?

After reading the acceptable replies, can you follow the advice that you agree with?

Can you go beyond the listening stage and begin the action stage?

You said it, that is *the hard part*. 

If a man can so easily abandon his blood...........his mother, he can do the same with his wife.

Love the fact that he takes care of HIS OWN. You are part of that avowed ownership. Take happiness from that. He did not marry his mother....he married you.

He does need to reign in some of his behaviors to his mother. She will take advantage of him....that is for sure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cawillow said:


> *I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of problems with anger and jealousy as well which has negatively affected my relationships throughout my life.
> *
> I am very angry about a particular situation right now and I would like to get some perspective on it before I try dealing with it.
> 
> ...


And what are you going to do to address your problem that you acknowledged in the first line in your post?


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> And what are you going to do to address your problem that you acknowledged in the first line in your post?


Which was: _"I will be the first to admit that I have a lot of problems with anger and jealousy as well which has negatively affected my relationships throughout my life."_

A good question please don't answer with "Live alone" because that's not a good solution.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your MIL is bringing up living with you before she tells her husband she wants a divorce because she wants to make sure she has a place to go. Since the answer was "no", she'll either stay in the marriage or keep trying to convince your husband to let her live with you. Be prepared for that not to go away.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@cawillow
Do you have children? 
Mother and son bonds are common. 

Are you envious of the time they spend together? 
Does it undermine your feelings? And why? 
How does she treat you? 

Certainly the massage thing is something that you could share with your husband so his Mom won't have to do anymore. 

Sit down with your husband and make a list of pro and cons about having two little old ladies living with both of you in the future. 

Like for example
Pro - they could do cleaning or babysitting
Con - having two mother in laws under the roof could be testing of patience for you both. 

But to be jealous of a mother is something that you need to work on, she's not trying to take him away from you, she's just going through a rough time with her divorce and needs someone she trusts to talk to, her son may be the only person she has. 

If your husband is the caretaker of his family, remind him that's it OK to say no if things become stressful. 
Can you take time off and help him with his family issues, get to know them better and build good relantionships with them. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You have not grown enough as a couple yet to have an in-law, either in-law be living with you, please hold-off on this for the present and if possible, longer.

My father passed away last February and my mother sold their home and is living with us while she transitions into a retirement home apartment for independent care. So much of the time we had for sorting through something as simple as our daily lives is now a three-way conversation whether I wish it or not, it just happens and when a difference of opinion comes, Mom is right there to side with one or the other, quite unhelpful for any deep dialog even though she has been asked to not involve herself, it just happens. Privacy is another thing that is of the past until she settles, whether it be walking from a shower or physical intimacy, it will be interrupted until a schedule can be found... so much for spontaneity and I am 27 years into a marriage still looking for it.

It takes confidence in a relationship to live with more than the nuclear family... and if that confidence is weak to start, it will become more post-nuclear when all is done.

Boundaries with parents are essential for many new couples... a husband should not be in the middle of his parents marriage any more than they should be in their children's. Too many try to cultivate the marriages of their children without understanding the differences in the soil to allow the bloom to be it's best and let the roots learn the soil themselves... and even worse, the sterile soil they bring with them as your in-laws seem to have.

Jealousy comes from different sources... do you know where your source feeds? If you can identify the why, you can begin to bring it into better light so you are able to see why you are self-dissatisfied instead of self-confident.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

cawillow said:


> Thanks so much for reading and replying. I tried to keep my original post shorter, but I felt it was important to include more background.
> 
> What is it that makes you say that my husbands boundaries are way off? Could you be specific? It would be helpful to me, because I often feel invalidated and don't know how to feel, which I think is what makes me angry because I sometimes end up trying to be okay with things that I really am not okay with.
> 
> ...


I won't really mention which ones I don't agree with because again that's not the point. Point is you married him and he was this way. If my GF went out every weekend drinking with friends and I married her then I have no right to complain. I signed up for that. If you married to fast without this information then I still don't think you have much room to complain. If you are spending your life with someone part of it is accepting what and who they are. He is a bit of a momma boy. You don't see this as a strong trait......ok. So concentrate on the traits you did fall in love with and don't dwell on these


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'll be the first to admit that I have HUGE in law problems. My inlaws are what brought me to TAM - my username stands for Frustrated Daughter In Law, lol.

Even with my inlaw issues, I think you're being way too sensitive with everything except the moving in part. Do NOT do that - that would be a disaster. 

I see no harm in your husband giving his mum a neck massage - my husband has done that for his mum, it's not like she's lying half naked on the bed while he's doing it (ick!). There's another poster here who's mother in law sits between her sons legs and strokes his thighs!!! Now THAT'S icky! Lol!

Is the number of times they talk on the phone taking anything away from you? Does he discuss your relationship with her? Does he spend all weekend every weekend with her?

If not, you don't have much at all to worry about - pick your battles.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

frusdil said:


> My inlaws are what brought me to TAM - my username stands for Frustrated Daughter In Law, lol.


I had no idea! 










Sorry for that t/j... Carry on!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Satya said:


> I had no idea!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hahahaha!!! Yep! I was trying to be creative! Rofl!


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