# Moving forward after his breakdown turned our lives upside down



## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I have just removed this due to the personal context as it happened such a long time back now.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

all I can offer is to be strong for your son. You might want to up and move to an area that offers jobs in your professional field. The move might do the two of you some good too.

It sounds like he emotionally fibbed to you the whole time you were together, and he was hiding a darker side. He probably needs a whole lot more therapy to find who he really is, even to himself.

stay strong!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story. 

If you and your son are not in counseling, that would be a good idea to help both of you move on. He has no official ties to your son and he has chosen to disregard the unofficial ties he did have. They may have meant something to him at the time but don't now. He's done. That life is gone. 

It's difficult to accept that relationships we invest so much of ourselves in can fail and we don't understand why. Sometimes they fail after decades (be thankful you were spared that). The only explanation is people change and no longer want what they originally did. He's moved on and you need to as well. The healing won't begin until you do.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I have a slightly different perspective on this. Not that it necessarily offers hope for your situation.

Some people, especially people-pleasing types, will give too much of themselves and not leave anything for THEM. They will do this until they just completely snap, and then they will go full reverse (first it's all about you, then it becomes only about their survival because it's an emergency). He may very well have authentically loved you, and the two of you may still be compatible, but it could be that he fears losing himself and slipping into old habits that were entirely unsustainable for him. At this point, he might not be able to stand any pressure or responsibility, even that of love/relationship. 

It's not right to tell you that you and your son are a burden, but I think this comes from his distress. It does sound like he has a great deal to work on in therapy, and that could take years. In the meantime, you'll have to go on with your life as best you can. If letting go is what's best for you, then you should do that. 

Like you said, someone can't pretend for that long, that thoroughly. So it does sound as if his feelings were authentic, and that he was really there with you. I know it's hard to imagine that someone can care deeply for you and still abandon you and your son that way. It's definitely unfair and wrong. But he's a broken person, and broken people do things like that. Doesn't make it okay. It's just a reality.



sarajane231 said:


> 1. He claims now that he was "people pleasing" and that he believed my love was conditional on him being a superman and this comes from the rejection of his previous wife who cheated on him over a very long period. He thought if he was the perfect partner, perfect Dad, perfect man I would never do that to him an that I would never leave. He said he thought if he showed me the warts and all version that I would not love him. But this feels so unfair on ME...because he never actually asked me and I didn't know he felt this way. To ME we were completely happy. He hid it from me and I paid the price????


A lot of that probably comes from before his previous wife - she just reinforced it. This kind of thing goes very deep, right to the core of someone's being. He was probably incapable of showing you all of the bad parts, because he is petrified of being rejected and having his fear validated (that he is unlovable as he is, with his flaws and limitations). Especially if he felt your love was conditional on him being perfect, which again, goes back to old, deep damage.



sarajane231 said:


> 2. It upsets me that for whatever reason this illness or this episode made him see ONLY the bad. He only sees that my son had aspergers and was challenging sometimes. He totally forgets how he used to cry and sports day, or how my son used to curl into him and tell him he was the best Dad in the world. He ONLY sees that i developed and anxiety disorder and needed support. He forgets everything else about me that he loved.


He is probably doing this for his own survival and sanity. Trying to see things in a more negative light so that he isn't torn apart by longing for the good and what he loved when he knows he can't handle it anymore. Not to mention, the negativity that he suppressed for all that time is welling up. Even though he was the one giving more than he had to give, maybe he is resenting you for that. Misplaced resentment. 

I wish you the best and hope that you and your son are able to find a way through this.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't think he is as healthy as you think he is. Only 12 counseling sessions & off his meds........I'm glad he is doing better though.

I think you need to go through the 5 stages of grief. You may need counseling to help you. The final stage is acceptance. You will get their sooner if you go no contact with him.

I am very sorry about all of this.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Than k you so much to all of you xx


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that he's most likely not as mentally healthy as he seems to think. Also agree that he probably was authentic with you at first and then snapped. 

He, the real him, is not capable of sustaining a long term relationship. He's told you that. You really do need to move on with your son.

I've very sad but it is what it is. You might do best as looking at this like a death. The man you loved and who loved you died. Go through the stages of grief and make a life for yourself and your son.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thank you for the kind words.

I think I am learning that the danger in believing him dead is that this allows a window for me to romanticise and remember him as I thought him to be and I think this might make the grief continue.

I have to also acknowledge there was two people. One who I loved and who loved me, who was kind and wonderful with whom I shared happy memories.

And a second person, who destroyed me, who did not give a **** about me, who failed me in every way, who abandoned me and who ultimately left through choice...not through death.

If he had died, I don't think I could / would ever "get over it", but acknowledging reality maybe gives me more room to see all the ways he failed me. And therefore hopefully find space for the hope that someone can one day do better by me. That this isn't the end of my story. If that makes sense.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I remember your story Sara. I found it heartbreaking then, and I still do now.

He is nowhere near as healthy as he's making out he is. The fact that he still blames you is very telling. You are NOT responsible for his breakdown sweetie. He isn't either. It just is what it is. Lots of people support their partner through illness and don't have a nervous breakdown.

You really need to go no contact with him, it's the only way for you to truly heal and move forward. You need to grieve properly, not just for your relationship, but for the future you were planning too.

I strongly advise you get some counselling for yourself, I think this is too big for you to get through on your own. This came out of nowhere and knocked you for a six. That's not something you just get over.

Big hugs sweet lady xo


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thank you Frudsil. I am feeling a bit better the last 48 hours. It's an up and down ride x


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He could not have known that was coming. Just like my H could not have known that the sudden pressure of a wife, child, three houses, two horses would be so much that he would choose very destructive behaviors. I am so sorry he could not see his way past needing to create a huge bubble around himself. I am so sorry for the horrible trauma on so many levels. You have my biggest sympathies. When feelings are suppressed they come out sideways really bad sometimes and it is so tragic. I would turn my focus to creating a very loving safe space for your child and yourself to heal. Let time work out the rest.

Soul Potato is 100% correct


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> Thank you Frudsil. I am feeling a bit better the last 48 hours. It's an up and down ride x


In time, you will continue to feel better.

All of this is as bad as you want to make it.......move on and look up to the future/better life.

In the end, you will look back and tell yourself "I wish I would've done it sooner".


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I remember you, SaraJane. So sorry you are still struggling. Can you try to refocus your thoughts whenever you start to thinking about him? It won't be easy at first but if you force yourself to do it, little by little you will start to heal. 

This is what my friend who is a single Mom has told me about her journey to get over her child's father. She had lived with him as a roomie for the last three years to save money, but he recently told her it was time to move on, and if she wanted their son could stay with him, either permanently or until she got on her feet. She was devastated. She really thought they had a chance even though they slept separately and lived their own lives. But she said that she is finally starting to get over it but she just has to take it bit by bit. She says one thing that helps her is to except her bad days but never let it last all day. If she has to get out and do something with her son to make her day better, then she does that. She says her favorite thing to do this is go for a long ride in the country and talk and talk and talk. Just something to move past the sadness. 

I hope this helps!


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks committed. Some of you kind strangers have been on this journey all the way through with me. I promise that I will post back when I have made it through because you have all given me so much support and I've felt less alone because of you all. Sometimes mystifies me that I got more support and understanding off strangers on a website than I did off him. 

Sometimes just writing it out instantly makes it feel better because so much was left unsaid and unresolved or explained.

I don't feel like this all the time. I do see an uphill trend. I do know that once I move / make the final break and create a proper fresh start that I will be on my way to real acceptance.

I take something from every response. Be it tough love, harsh reality, gentle kindness, or similar experiences. All of them help me a little bit.

I am learning so much about so much as I go along this journey and I do get a feeling I might be okay at the end.

It's just been so hard. Such a test. So many mixed feelings and you go back and forth on them constantly. You feel fine for a week then the grief hits you like a punch in the gut and you find yourself sobbing in the road.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

A lot has happened in the past few weeks and I felt so low this week I just wanted to come here and vent or try and see if anyone had anything to offer towards this. Some of you are following my story and I hope remember me still.

My ex, as I said, came off his meds a few weeks ago. After months of no contact he slowly began to contact and it was getting more and more positive and normal in tone. At first it was just apologies, then with assurances he would put right a lot of the damage he caused, then just "to talk" and try and get to know each other again.

Last weekend he called and wanted to talk about "us" which I have been waiting for for almost a year now since he got sick. He basically said to me during a 4 hour phone conversation that he had always loved me, just as much as I loved him, more than he had ever loved anyone and he did not blame me for anything, did not see any faults or flaws in our relationship and that none of this was ever my fault. He said he was so sorry for our children and that he never wanted to hurt any of us but he just HAD to escape his life.

He's tried to describe his breakdown and depression to me and why he did what he did and how he felt like he was doing it and that was good to hear but also so hard to understand. 

He came over after that call and stayed for 24 hours. We just talked and talked and talked and while he wasn't himself (he lost 60lbs in 10 months and he is frail and cries a lot) he was a lot closer to the person I knew and he seemed to remember me and who I was / who we were and the value of that.

He wants to "be friends", to see my son (I have not let him see him yet, my son was away), to apologise, to spend time with him, to spend time with me, to stop being estranged and he said "and who knows maybe we could start again when I am better in time".

But he also said some really painful and hurtful things that have ripped me up. He said he found caring for me when I had anxiety very stressful and it stripped away at his love for me  I am not sure your love for someone should be stripped away by them getting sick - so this was hard.

He said that deep down he knew he wasn't fully over his divorce when we met (they had only been separated a few months and it was a shockingly bad way he was treated) and he expressed a huge amount of anger and emotion and his ex and said he felt sad and regretful that he had lost his original family. He said he had bottled it all up. Which of course made me feel like ****.

He also said he was not sure he had been ready to take on a step family so quickly, and that he felt the added pressure of that had been one of the key reasons he hadn't stayed with me. This rejection of my child hurt lot too.

He said he still loves me, but also still loves his ex wife - and he elaborated on that to say he wasn't sure it was so much her, as the life they had had as a family. 

I was wondering...what about OUR family? 

I have so many mixed emotions on all that. So much anger because at the time we got together I TOLD him it was too soon and he begged me over many months to trust him, that he loved me, that he was ready. He also spent many months assuring me I could trust him with my child.

He admits though, that his decision to leave me was made at a time he was mentally unstable, not thinking clearly and unable to see what he was doing and he does regret it and he sees it could have been worked out much more easily.

When questioned over his feelings for me now he says he misses me a lot, he still finds me more attractive than any woman he has ever know, he still thinks I am the person who knows him best in the world, he still feels love for me, he still thinks I am the most wonderful person ever - but he doesn't feel that "madly in love" feeling he did before he was sick. He doesn't know if this is because he is sick, or because he just doesn't feel it.

I know a lot of these answers are helpful compared to the total lack of info beforehand, but there's still so many more to ask. He had agreed with me to come over once a week for dinner, so we could spend time talking, and regardless of outcome at least find healing together. That was HIS idea and he was happy and enthusiastic at the concept.

He wnated to talk about my son, and he cried gently and said he missed him and loved him but at the time he had a breakdown he blamed me as the closest thing to him because he could not see the other things that were really dragging him down.

It was all really emotional and hard but also great.

He left here though and went directly to a bar, and drank all night. He hasn't drunk for 6 months and he almost killed himself he says that night.

Then he crashed down again into depression and has been at home off work all week. He has kept in contact, but called a few days ago to say he is going back on the medication and he'd started already.

I can't really explain why, but in a selfish way I am so sad about that. The medication makes him totally numb. He says he feels "high" and can't think about stuff or remember stuff. 

After just a few weeks on them he came back to me and wanted to (if not get back together) at least explain things and NOW he will go back into that oblivion where he forgets I even exist or that our life was once important. 

I just felt so devastated. Like he'd been in a coma, woken up for a few days and then fallen right back into it. I had so many more questions, so much more I wanted to talk about so I could understand better and we had so much more to say.

He called last night and said he is starting to feel "great" again, or "high" but that he needs time alone and he cancelled the dinner plans and said he would come and see me "soon". I explained how I felt about the pills and said I thought maybe therapy might be more beneficial but he basically said he realises they wipe away all his emotions but that he enjoys that, and he was just not strong enough or ready to face the painful feelings he was having and he would rather go back to nirvana.

I feel like he is running away all over again.

I am now really down, really lonely and accepting I need to pack up my things and move away from him back to my friends and family but it feels like giving up when I have come so close, so many times and had so much faith.

I know I can't change someone else's choices, but it's so frustrating. By the time he comes back again, I think he might be too late. I can't really endure any more.

I am so scared that we have lost "us" for no good reason.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Also soulpotato....your post was exactly what he said was the case.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hon, I know someone just like him who is an emotional rollercoaster to get close to. I had to chose to take myself off his rollercoaster. I too could not handle his lack of ability to remain emotionally steady. He too could not handle feeling and much preferred being numb/high. 

I am so sorry... I know you are grieving. You could not have seen this coming and though he wanted to be ready and build a life with you, he really didnt even honor his own healing needs post divorce. He is so lost Darlin'. Big life changes like that really need their own time and space to heal well, but he didnt choose that. Instead he forced himself to keep going and blew out his emotions in the process. Its not about you are a burden in any way in general, he just did not have the capacity to handle it. 

Make sure you are grounded well for you and your son. Moving back to your support system sounds very healthy. My heart goes out to you.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

He did also explain the reasons for his breakdown:

1.	His own poor communication skills, he could not tell me or anyone else that he wasn’t coping and he said he thought his own emotional analysis system was broken because he didn't actually realise fully himself.

2.	His past pain, anger and hurt from his divorce which he said he has not expressed or even acknowledged at the time. His pain also from the loss of his in-law (who he was closer to than his own parents) and the fact that his best friend had an affair with his wife and took his place in his life. Stuff he had always said before "didn't bother him".

3.	His constant worry that I would have an affair too, and how this left to him playing the part of the “perfect” partner. Being unable / afraid to tell me anything he thought I would not want to hear.

4.	His deep seated belief from his previous marriage that relationship problems could never be sorted out.

5.	His constant people pleasing and how much this exhausted him emotionally.

6.	The immense stress and pressure he was under (work, bad debt , illness) that culminated in a short period of time.

He said my anxiety condition didn't cause his breakdown, but he said it DID:


Make him feel I was too frail to be leaned on as a partner.

Make him feel like I didn't love him anymore and he could not make me happy

He also said at the time (until he experienced depression) my anxiety made him angry, because he felt like it was something I "chose" to do. He apologised for that now, and for not asking me more about it or trying to understand what I was going though.

He says that he sees that the issues between us could have been resolved and should have been and this it is 100% his fault that he ran away instead of trying, but that he, at the time, felt hopeless and desperate and lacked the emotional intelligence to know what else to do.

He says that at the time the breakdown came he felt angry at everyone and everything and needed to blame someone – so he targeted me. He said it was never my fault, and that he hurt the person he loved the most.


He says his “strategy” now is to have time alone to work through his pain from his divorce and to take practical steps to resolve his debt issues and is very close to moving to another job that is much less stressful. He says he knows what has to be done and is working though it.

He says he wants to learn to live alone, as he has never done this since he left school, and he wants to be emotionally independent and learn how to have a normal adult relationship. He said he learned through many years of his wife's stonewalling that his own voice could not be heard.

He says when all that is done he will be a whole human being ready for a relationship and he is very sorry for his own weaknesses hurting me so much.

It’s kind of like resolving relationship problems after it's already done, but also good that he sees things.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Excellent for him that he is realizing all of that... You are that gift to him... Allow him to do it on his terms. How you engage with him is your choice. I would want to support him while protecting myself, so good healthy boundary knowledge would be great for you. Are you familiar with the Townsend books on boundaries?


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

No blossom. I really need to work on that. y boundaries are poor. I take on his mental state like it's my own. I let him get affectionate with me which I KNOW I must NOT do.

A lot of people are telling me to go no contact with him, that this contact "upsets" me and that I was doing well and this was a setback but I feel in my deepest gut that healing (for both of us) will come best if we work through this. Even if it doesn't mean being back together it does mean getting right what we once got wrong if that makes any sense at all.

I know that even if I move on with someone else, I don't want to do it "damaged" or with any baggage I don't need and what I went through was just so AWFUL that I don't want it to be for nothing.

I do think I need to move though. I just don't know why that feels so hard and so sad.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I think the thing doing laps around my head is that I was not only engaged to him, totally happy with him, but I gave a LOT for him. I relocated. With a kid that is a huge thing. I gave up family, babysitters, my job, my friends. This is all stuff that changes your life and this was a lot of trust in him. I have also stood by him for 10 months after he left me homeless and was vile to me. I have believed in him all the way through and not really backed down from believing he was a good person and hanging on to the love I had for him.

It STINGS that he is talking to me about his ex wife. I am not sure how I know if I am second choice. But maybe if I am, I am wasting all my energy on the wrong person.

That might be a silly thing to focus on....but I guess all of this loyalty and energy is wasted on someone who was just using me to keep them company after someone else left them.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I know I am blathering, but need to get stuff out to someone. Even the internet. The other thing making me really angry is that I am angry and can't express it to him. you can't express it to a sick person. And he's telling me all this stuff like he wasn't ready, he wasn't over his divorce and I am looking over the email he sent me when he asked me to move here....

You're about to make a big move and you need to know that I will be there for you and not get cold feet. Let me tell you this... I will be there for you forever through anything. I will only love you more each day that passes. I will make this transition as easy as I can for you. Helping you cope with whatever life throws at US, US, not YOU because we are an US now. I love you. I know you are scared but talking is good. We make a pledge to talk and be honest and we will continue to do so always. What we have is so, so special and nothing can ever be allowed to challenge that. In terms of ****, I’ve said before I can’t replace his Dad, but I will be a father figure to him. You two come as a package and I’ve signed up for that. That means teaching him stuff, sharing stuff, being what a dad should be to him. I promise I will look after him and I will look after you. You have my word. I want us (the four of us - *** included) to be a family. I know it is a big jump to make but please make it. I know that we can work out whatever is thrown at us. I know all this is a lot to take on, but it will work. We will make it work no matter what. How else can two people that are meant to be together be? I know you feel it’s too soon but I have had time to get over my divorce - *** and I have been over for years. There are still a few milestones left but, to be honest, they would be there even a year. I was in a loveless marriage for a very long time, the grieving is done now. Make the jump and come to me. It is the right thing to do and the best thing to do and you will never have any regrets - I promise. I could never lead you along, take you for a ride or do anything that would hurt you or upset you. Yes, it will be strange at first - new country, cold weather, new house, new school. All of that. But it will be worth it. I know I have been through a tough marriage, but you are so far from a consolation prize or picking up the ashes of a emotionally burnt out man. You are the ONE for me, I just wish I could get you to understand this. I want to be with you and only you. I want to share the future with you, I am not concerned with the past and have no regrets . I want to be with you. I want us to grow old together. I want to build a house and a home together and have both our boys be the happiest in the world. If WE decide that we should have a baby together, then that would be a wonderful thing. I had wanted at least two kids, possibly four but would completely understand if you felt we were too old now or whatever. I am ready to move on. I am ready to share my life and my love with the one and only person in the world that I honestly and truly want to spend the rest of my life with. That person is you, please accept this and embrace it because you are the most beautiful person I have ever met and I want to be with you through thick and thin till death do us part. I really do love you on an astronomical scale and only you. I can't wait to marry you and make you Mrs ***********

And it makes me ANGRY. Angry that we had an amazing relationship for four years exactly as he said it would be and that BANG, me and my son ended up in a strange country with and that he just left us. For no reason, with no warning with no issues between us.....he just LEFT us. And I never got to hit him in the face for it.

Maybe I am just posting here because I want to say this to HIM and can't


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its very healthy for you to express it.

If it is any consolation its its way more complex than him using you to get over someone else

Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

Its was a VERY unconcious thing he was doing.

And ... I think you are spot on when you say yall can heal and grow through this. You will have to get good at healthy boundaries, creative relationship definitions like "healing partners" leading to your realization that you will need your own recovery space. Give yourself huge space, and great accurate constructive support that is yours and yours alone. One of the best gifts I gave myself was my own recovery space, what sweetened the pot is when my H did the same. If both of you create individual recovery space and occassionally have a meeting of the minds to share progress, you with both gain a lot. 

You will grieve... Learn the cycles so you can be kind to yourself through them. And accept this as what it will become... Healing for you both, even if it takes time to feel the reality of that healing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He needs time to try to heal. You need to move on with your life. If or when when he heals, and should you decide to try again, that is when you could start to do the work involved in putting your relationship back together. But now is not that time. I know it's difficult to face but he needs to get his life under control on his own, without the stress of a relationship, before he can go forward. Because you were right and it was too soon.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His email did indicate to you that he was ready. However, there's a world of difference between imaging a life, as he did in the email, and actually living it. He couldn't handle the reality although he obviously felt he could when he sent the email. 

You need to focus on you and your son and let him try to become the man he indicated he was in that email.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I know that's the case OpenMinded but I suppose in my head that's all pretty unfair on ME.

I waited a long time single to meet the right person to ensure my son didn't have an array of Stepfathers.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it is definitely unfair to you but unfortunately life can be very unfair. You saw the strong person he indicated he was in that email but he wasn't really that person when things got bad. Now he has to try to put himself back together. And you and your son have to move on. Who knows what the future holds. You could be together again at some point. But in the meantime you need to focus on you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> I am so scared that we have lost "us" for no good reason.


SJ, you haven't lost "us" for no good reason... you've lost "us" because he is EXTREMELY mentally unstable right now, and has been for quite awhile.

As others have stated, you simply MUST cut contact if you want to heal and move beyond this. This roller coaster he has you on is simply unsustainable; eventually YOU will have a nervous breakdown if you continue down this path.

You are tormenting yourself by continually making yourself available on his whims, only to have your hopes shattered over and over. Frankly, I think his idea to come over for weekly dinners as "friends" (although he has since backtracked on that) is a HORRIBLE one. Bad for both of you.

He told you clearly that he still has unresolved feelings for his wife, shouldn't have gotten involved with you when he did, doesn't feel like he is in love with you any longer.

You are very codependent, not only on this man, but on the drama he keeps bringing into your life.

It is time to let him go. No telling what the future holds in store, but he needs time to heal and you need time to become stronger.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

I know all that is also true.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Right now, the only thing you dont know are where to draw those lines and definitions. For now.. thats ok. All you know is eventually you will set them. The ones that feel right will reveal themselves in time. Right now... Forgive yourself, give yourself permission to grieve and be kind to yourself as if you are your own mother. Be the stabilizing force for your son by focusing on simple things in your day and routine. Dont move too fast on anything. Just be you in your space and the mother of your child, creating a home of peace, love, safe, calm.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This situation wont all be for naught. You watch... It will be redeemed.

Promise yourself to believe that even in your darkest moments...


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

God I hope it's not all for nothing. I will really try and hang on to that thought.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sara, your story breaks my heart. Move home. Cut contact with him. Every time you talk with him, you go all the way back to square one. You have gotten an explanation from him, now take that and move on. 

Move back home.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sarajane

Your story reminds me that life isn't fair. Sorry. All I can offer you is take your time and be wise. I feel a special empathy for folks who battle mental illness. I feel they deserve extra understanding and patience, but I also know that you can't let them drag you into the abyss with them. 

When it comes to his promises and commitments you must remind yourself that his ABILITY to sustain a relationship may not match his INTENTIONS. Can't fault the guy for wanting a relationship with you (you seem nice) but you must discern if he actually has the ability to deliver. Just remember that old saying... the road to hell is paved with good intentions.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sara, sweetie, PLEASE put yourself and your son first. Cut off contact with this man, move you and your son home where you have a support system and begin to heal on your own. 

You and your ex cannot help each other through this. You both have to do it on your own.

I still hear him blaming you in his "apology". When I read it, and read the part about your anxiety I wanted to slap him. A sincere apology would have said "I'm so sorry for the way I hurt you, none of this was your fault, it's all on me".

You will become even more depressed than you already are (and you are, even if you don't realise it), and YOU will have a nervous breakdown yourself, if you don't break away from him now.

I say this with love honey, cut the cord, let him go xx


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks all of you. I know I have to do that. Hardest thing.

You'd think when someone did all this stuff your love would go away. Be easier if it did.

I find it hard to adjust to the future not including him. Hard when you believed so much. I look for words to describe how much I believed that. I just completely, totally and utterly believed there was never any chance, any possibility of us not making it.

Never expected him to get mentally ill and rip everything apart.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If only it were that easy hey? Lol.

It's so difficult because you had a family with this man, a future planned and now it's gone. Deep down you're still hoping that somehow that will still happen. The reality is that, at least for the foreseeable future, it cannot.

You're not only grieving the loss of your life partner, your lover, the father to your child (bio or step, makes no difference), your family and relationship...you're also grieving the future you've lost. You had a lot tied up in this relationship, it's going to take a long time to recover from the loss of it, given the way it ended.

My heart breaks for you sweetie, if I could wave a wand and make everything ok for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat xx


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

Deep down I have always hoped that would still happen, but with each milestone I kind of know it won't. The hope clings on because letting go of the hope is the hardest thing of all to let go of. I know my only way out is to do that though.

Why does it feel like a betrayal? Makes no sense, I know.

Thank you for being so kind.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

sarajane231 said:


> Deep down I have always hoped that would still happen, but with each milestone I kind of know it won't. The hope clings on because letting go of the hope is the hardest thing of all to let go of. I know my only way out is to do that though.
> 
> Why does it feel like a betrayal? Makes no sense, I know.


sarajane, it does make sense. As frusdil said, you're grieving the loss of not only your relationship, but the life and future you had planned with this man. He appeared to deliver for four years, then vanished with no warning. Pushed you away, refused to tell you WHAT was wrong (as I recall, he sent some very nasty, cold texts to you about it), denied you the opportunity to help and comfort him — and all this in a new country, away from your support system. I don't blame you for feeling angry and betrayed after all that.



> He says his “strategy” now is *to have time alone to work through his pain from his divorce and to take practical steps to resolve his debt issues* and is very close to moving to another job that is much less stressful. He says he knows what has to be done and is working though it.
> 
> He says *he wants to learn to live alone, as he has never done this since he left school, and he wants to be emotionally independent and learn how to have a normal adult relationship.* He said he learned through many years of his wife's stonewalling that his own voice could not be heard.
> 
> He says *when all that is done he will be a whole human being ready for a relationship* ...


I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the bolded parts are why you must cut *all* contact with him, move back home, and move on. He's telling you — if not in so many words — that he does not want a relationship right now and cannot deliver what you and your son need.

He may resolve his issues, or he may not. But it will be a long process, and it's not fair to either yourself or your son to stick around and wait for him. You and your son deserve someone who is present, loving, and able to go through life's rough spots without running away or hiding.

My heart goes out to you. Sending strength your way so you can do what you need to do.


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## sarajane231 (Mar 12, 2013)

You know....I have spent a week literally not moving. Doing nothing but my head racing round and round unable to do anything.

Then I wrote him a 30 page letter of all the stuff I wanted to say, and as I actually wrote the facts out I started to get a lot clearer on stuff and suddenly.......BINGO.

I wrote out all the ways through this he could have handled it better depressed or not. I wrote out all the ways he has let me down. I wrote out how lucky he was to have someone who had stood by him through all this and what a fool he had been to not realise.

I wrote down how the minute he brought me over here with a CHILD and made heartfelt promises to make a life with us that we became obligations - responsibilities - commitments that you don;t get to walk out on with a text message regardless of your diminished mental state.

Then I hit gold when I realised that I absolutely REFUSE to give this amount of love, loyalty and commitment to someone who gave NONE of those things to me when it really mattered.

My story IS heartbreaking. 

Yes, he probably never would have done any of this if he'd not gotten depressed but then I would have walked down the aisle and spent the next 50 years with someone who didn't have my back NO MATTER what, and I realised that as convinced I was by him over the years that he was that person - when it was tested he failed.

What I have been pining for and wanting is a return of the person I thought he was. And it's SO hard to accept someone is not who you thought they were if they have made you believe it with no doubts. I am even sure he believed it himself, but it wasn't who he was.

He gave up on me....TOTALLY and utterly gave up on me, so when I accepted this, something just disconnected in me and I realised I don't want him back. Not ever. 

In fact, he can go to hell.

My only decision now left to make is whether to allow him here to see and apologise to my son (my son wants this) and whether to remain civil to him or whether to tell him that he can go to hell and to stay away from me forever.

What I WANT to do is the latter. I've no desire for him to darken my doorstep again, but also want to give my son closure if he feels he needs it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

sarajane231 said:


> You know....I have spent a week literally not moving. Doing nothing but my head racing round and round unable to do anything.
> 
> Then I wrote him a 30 page letter of all the stuff I wanted to say, and as I actually wrote the facts out I started to get a lot clearer on stuff and suddenly.......BINGO.
> 
> ...


Brilliant you pieced that together with such clarity. My premise was to heal as healing partners, but not a couple. But this sounds much stronger for you... I like it a lot!!!!


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

sarajane231 said:


> .... I wrote him a 30 page letter of all the stuff I wanted to say, and as I actually wrote the facts out I started to get a lot clearer on stuff and suddenly.......BINGO.
> 
> I wrote out all the ways through this he could have handled it better depressed or not. I wrote out all the ways he has let me down. I wrote out how lucky he was to have someone who had stood by him through all this and what a fool he had been to not realise.
> 
> ...


Ah, the power of the written word! The pen, truly, is mightier than the sword (of mixed emotions, that is). I'm glad to hear you did this — you needed it! :smthumbup:

Still sending you all the strength I can. Only one teeny suggestion: Keep it civil (for your son's sake), but after he apologizes to your boy (IF you decide to permit this), don't look back.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Fantastic post Sara!!! So proud of you my friend 

My personal opinion is that if your son needs this, then let him have his closure.

That said, you are his mum and you know him better than anyone else, you will make the right decision for your gorgeous boy.


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