# Husband Drinks While Watching 2.5 Year Old Son



## TessIlise (7 mo ago)

My husband and I have had many issues with alcohol in the past. He would never admit it, but I believe he is an alcoholic. After many incidences that I see as completely unacceptable (being drunk while watching our son who was a year old, drinking and driving, etc) I told him he needed to choose his family or alcohol. He swore things would change.
Tonight he came home from work and I went upstairs to work for a few hours while he watched our son. When I came down after working, he seemed drunk. He said he had one beer after work. (So 2.5 hours ago you had your last drink yet I can still tell you had been drinking? Seems VERY unlikely.) Then at bed time he seemed even more under the influence. I asked him why he had drank when we’ve talked about how unsafe it is for our son. He tried to gaslight me by asking me if he had done anything unsafe. Luckily I am well-versed in gaslighting and was able to get straight to the point: You promised you would never drink again while watching him yet you did. You promised to put us first from now on. None of these promises have happened. 
He claims he rarely gets drunk and that it’s not a problem.
It’s at least once a week if not twice.
I am at a loss for what to do but feel I can no longer enable. My son’s well-being is far too important to me. My husband is denying, lying, projecting, and gaslighting instead of accepting responsibility for his issues. I have tried everything but when somebody is in denial, what can another person really do? Ugh.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Drinking while looking after a child and driving while drunk are things that are just awful and very dangerous. 
You gave him the choice of his family or the drink and he hasn't stopped so what is your next step? He has to know you mean it or he will never stop.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Drinking while looking after a child and driving while drunk are things that are just awful and very dangerous. 
You gave him the choice of his family or the drink and he hasn't stopped so what is your next step? He has to know you mean it or he will never stop.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You have a choice: live with your functioning alcoholic, ask him to stop completely, separate until he gets sober or divorce him. I would pick number 3.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> You have a choice: live with your functioning alcoholic, ask him to stop completely, separate until he gets sober or divorce him. I would pick number 3.


I would definitely separate and never allow him unsupervised access to the child. If he ever stops completely then maybe you can work on getting back together but he must have stopped for at least 6 months.
I would also report him if drinks and drives again, he could kill someone.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You can separate/divorce, but unfortunately it's not your choice whether he sees the child unsupervised or not. Only a judge can decide that, and unless your husband has a proven history of being a danger to the child, it won't happen. And a proven history means more than he said, she said.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I usually ignore what people say or claim but pay close attention to their actions. Your husband is showing you what is most important to him, and that's putting a buzz on, not the welfare of your child.

I have to believe you know your husband well enough to tell the difference between one beer or being drunk. This issue needs to be discussed when he is stone cold sober. If he continues the drinking, lying about it, pretending he's OK to watch your kid, you got some difficult decisions to make. Personally I would not trust him, good luck.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I may come across as harsh, but this is for your baby.



TessIlise said:


> My husband and I have had many issues with alcohol in the past.


So there is a well established pattern.



TessIlise said:


> I believe he is an alcoholic.


You're aware your husband is an alcoholic.



TessIlise said:


> After many incidences that I see as completely unacceptable (being drunk while watching our son who was a year old, drinking and driving, etc) I told him he needed to choose his family or alcohol. He swore things would change.


You've witnessed dangerous and irresponsible behavior when he's drinking.



TessIlise said:


> He claims he rarely gets drunk and that it’s not a problem.
> It’s at least once a week if not twice.


The pattern is ongoing.



TessIlise said:


> I have tried everything but when somebody is in denial, what can another person really do?


The person in denial here is YOU! What in the everloving Hell are you doing leaving a baby/toddler alone with a known alcoholic? You are rolling the dice on your child's health and safety. Each and every time you leave your child alone with his alcoholic father you are risking everything up to and including his life.

And, of course, there is the legal liability. You're married. Your assets are part his. What are your plans when he gets into a drunk driving collision and gets sued civilly on top of the criminal proceedings? Do you have tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars beyond what insurance will pay out laying around to cover lawyers fees and civil judgements?

Get a lawyer. Find out how to document the alcoholism so that your husband does NOT get unsupervised visits. Once you have everything in place, leave.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You need to start going to Al-Anon meetings. They are a group for people like you who love alcoholics. They will give you insight into your husband. From there you will be able to make the best decision for you & your child.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

TessIlise said:


> My husband and I have had many issues with alcohol in the past. He would never admit it, but I believe he is an alcoholic. After many incidences that I see as completely unacceptable (being drunk while watching our son who was a year old, drinking and driving, etc) I told him he needed to choose his family or alcohol. He swore things would change.
> Tonight he came home from work and I went upstairs to work for a few hours while he watched our son. When I came down after working, he seemed drunk. He said he had one beer after work. (So 2.5 hours ago you had your last drink yet I can still tell you had been drinking? Seems VERY unlikely.) Then at bed time he seemed even more under the influence. I asked him why he had drank when we’ve talked about how unsafe it is for our son. He tried to gaslight me by asking me if he had done anything unsafe. Luckily I am well-versed in gaslighting and was able to get straight to the point: You promised you would never drink again while watching him yet you did. You promised to put us first from now on. None of these promises have happened.
> He claims he rarely gets drunk and that it’s not a problem.
> It’s at least once a week if not twice.
> I am at a loss for what to do but feel I can no longer enable. My son’s well-being is far too important to me. My husband is denying, lying, projecting, and gaslighting instead of accepting responsibility for his issues. I have tried everything but when somebody is in denial, what can another person really do? Ugh.


Been there and done that with my husband. You are right, your son’s wellbeing is too important and so is yours. Until your husband admits he has a problem, nothing will change. An addict will do anything to deny when they used and how much. Most will tell you that they aren’t addicted and can quit anytime. But, they can’t and they only tell lie to convince themselves. The only control you have is over you and your son. Find a therapist that works with alcohol addiction. They can help you with how to handle situations. I use the say the other woman in our marriage was a bottle of booze. When people have issues with addiction, there is normally something else going on that they are trying to numb. Once my husband sought help, acknowledged his drinking was damaging his relationships, taking a toll on his health did he finally give it up. He’s a much happier person now. We just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I have zero use for alcoholics, especially when children are involved, but if you divorce him and he wants 50% custody the judge will likely give it to him. Why? Because it’s your word against his as to his behavior — especially if no one else sees it. No concrete proof. And you can be sure he’ll minimize everything. Don’t have more children with him. That will just complicate your life. Now that you know you can’t trust him with your child, don’t do that either. Think carefully about what your life and your child’s life will be like going forward.

ETA: Promises from an alcoholic mean nothing without serious actions to back them up. You’re just getting the words. That’s what alcoholics excel at. Empty words. Don’t buy them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TessIlise said:


> I told him he needed to choose his family or alcohol.


He's made his choice. Now you need to make yours.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

TessIlise said:


> My husband and I have had many issues with alcohol in the past. He would never admit it, but I believe he is an alcoholic. After many incidences that I see as completely unacceptable (being drunk while watching our son who was a year old, drinking and driving, etc) I told him he needed to choose his family or alcohol. He swore things would change.
> Tonight he came home from work and I went upstairs to work for a few hours while he watched our son. When I came down after working, he seemed drunk. He said he had one beer after work. (So 2.5 hours ago you had your last drink yet I can still tell you had been drinking? Seems VERY unlikely.) Then at bed time he seemed even more under the influence. I asked him why he had drank when we’ve talked about how unsafe it is for our son. He tried to gaslight me by asking me if he had done anything unsafe. Luckily I am well-versed in gaslighting and was able to get straight to the point: You promised you would never drink again while watching him yet you did. You promised to put us first from now on. None of these promises have happened.
> He claims he rarely gets drunk and that it’s not a problem.
> It’s at least once a week if not twice.
> I am at a loss for what to do but feel I can no longer enable. My son’s well-being is far too important to me. My husband is denying, lying, projecting, and gaslighting instead of accepting responsibility for his issues. I have tried everything but when somebody is in denial, what can another person really do? Ugh.


You haven’t done the action that you said you would do if he drank again.
So he thinks there isn’t consequences for his bad behavior that puts your child at risk.

why haven’t you done what you said you’d do?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He crossed a boundary you laid out - yet YOU did nothing to protect yourself, your child and your future.
Make that decision - take action on that decision!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unfortunately, in case of divorce, it will be very difficult to prove the husband is an alcoholic and this means that the baby will be at risk 50% of the time instead of occasionally. It doesn’t make sense to me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You may want to search around and find his stash of booze. Get a couple of inexpensive security cameras or a nanny cam and record him, you will have an idea how much he is drinking and if he is possibly using drugs as well. Those videos may never be admissible in court but you could use the proof as leverage to get him straight, or if he feels guilty maybe some leverage to swing divorce in your favor.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You lost credibility when you used the word “gaslighting” 3x in one post. Denying and projecting also. Unfortunately you left out toxic, narcissistic and abusive. 
Are you both alcoholics? You claim you both have issues with drinking.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


TessIlise said:



I have tried everything but when somebody is in denial, what can another person really do? Ugh.

Click to expand...

*The only one in denial is YOU, OP.

You knew the guy was a drunk before you had kids with him and you chose to do it anyway. And now you're crying foul because - shocker - the guy is a DRUNK and continues to act like a DRUNK.

If you want to be foolish and continue believing the lies of a DRUNK and subjecting your poor kid - *who didn't ask to be born into this dysfunctional mess you've forced him into* - then that's on you. Maybe it's time you put your kid's needs* ahead *of your own and move him somewhere you can raise him that doesn't include an alcoholic in his life every day.

This isn't ABOUT you anymore.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

bobert said:


> You can separate/divorce, but unfortunately it's not your choice whether he sees the child unsupervised or not. Only a judge can decide that, and unless your husband has a proven history of being a danger to the child, it won't happen. And a proven history means more than he said, she said.


This is a a large driving force in why I remained in my marriage. My husband became careless with our son, leaving him unattended in a hot tub at just 4 years old, with a pool right below our tub. It’s just crazy the lengths an addict will go to maintain they don’t have a problem.

I was terrified what could happen when he was in his dads care without me around to protect him. There was no way I could stop visitation or keep him from seeing him. And truly that’s not what I wanted, but it would be the only way to guarantee his safety from dads drinking.

sadly, in March this year, my husband took his own life. So while that’s no longer a fear, there are even bigger hurdles for us coming down the road now.

Counseling is a first step, mine had been many times and mine knew he had a problem, but he just couldn’t get honest with himself. He put in the best show at therapy, especially when it was single therapy. I had no idea how dishonest he was being until the therapist thought it’d be good if I came in. 

It all implodes from there for us. He told the therapist eh was no longer drinking which was the biggest lie, he honestly thought he was hiding it well enough and I didn’t know either. Hilarious. He kept it out in our wood boiler room we built and would go to stoke the fire and hit the bottle when outside. He hid it in a box. He was literally going outside every ten minutes in the winter to ‘check to the stove.’ It’s amazing what they make themselves believe.

My husband was also high functioning. It’s really hard. Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can’t fix a drunk. Better wake up to reality because this will get worse not better.


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