# Need a Womans perspective



## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

We've been married for 23 years. The sexual initiation is usually done by me 99.9% of the time. How do I get her to initiate? By the way, the only place she likes having sex is in the bedroom (The most boring place ever) usually missionary unless i move her to another position. How do I change this?


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

Just like my Woman, no response.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Have you spoken to her about this?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

what's the rest of your relationship like? do you get on, do you laugh, do you do things together? or do you live side by side ignoring each other unless it's about the kids or the house?


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

Yes I have spoken to her about it and usually she'll do something that night, then back to the same old ways.

We talk, laugh, exercise together. kids are all grown up and gone. It's just her and I. Don't get me wrong, she's a great woman, Mom, Wife, etc... It's just that I want to feel like she wants me, you know we men actually have feelings too, although we may not show it.


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

Also I like for her to tell me goodnight or hey I'm going to bed now but she never does this either. Maybe even a kiss or a hug when I walk in the door from work. It's usually me doing all that and not her.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

some people just aren't tactile and demonstrative - did she used to do those things?


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

No, but I asked her to just in case I die in my sleep. At least we said something to each other before we went to sleep, you know what I mean?


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

Now I am with holding affection away from her so she can feel like how she makes me feel. Is that wrong too?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I worry about the lack of communication - you're having to resort to manipulation to try and make her behave in a certain way and that's not healthy. 

how does withholding affection make her react, or doesn't she even notice?


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Giving her a taste of her own medicine is not the answer......

Sounds like there's a need she has that you're not meeting. Sometimes in a marriage life just has a way of well....getting in the way. When was the last time you took her on a date? One where you made all the arrangements/plans, pulled out all the stops like you used to do when courting her. What kinds of things did you do to get her attention then? When was the last time you did some of those things?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

BMF24 said:


> Now I am with holding affection away from her so she can feel like how she makes me feel. Is that wrong too?


Yes, that is wrong.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

JnaiceJade1 said:


> throw her on the floor and go down on her, while she is in the shower sneak in and make love to her under the water, while she is washing dishes spin her around, put her on the counter and give it all you got! wake her up! she is bored as hell. do something spontaneous!!
> 
> 
> Straight No Chaser: Janice Jade: Amazon.com: Kindle Store


And then do it again !


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## BMF24 (Nov 16, 2012)

I do all that


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> you're having to resort to manipulation to try and make her behave in a certain way and that's not healthy.


I respectfully disagree, I do not see OP as being manipulative, for stopping his pursuit and showing affection.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

How much time do the two of you spend together alone talking or doing something together (not including watching tv) a week?


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

The OP and his wife should seek out a good marriage counselor.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

are you a nice guy? demanding? you posted your question at 4:58 and at 5:19, 21 minutes later you wrote, "just like my woman, no response." do you have unrealistic expectations?

Are you a good lover? Do you spend time on your wife or it's all about your satisfaction?

I initiate about 1/3 of the time with my husband, and I'd say most of that 1/3 of the time, I conscientiously initiate because I think it's what I should do and not necessarily because i'm in the mood for sex, especially since, as affectionate as my husband is (kisses hello, goodbye, lots of hugs during the day) when it comes to sex, I don't think my needs are much of a thought in his mind (I need to deal with this).

He'll touch me for 2 minutes, but as soon as I touch back, he stops, and I'll continue for 15,20, sometimes 30 minutes. Still no touching of me, so if I'm ready to move on (work, sleep, chores, boredom...) most of the time, I have to lubricate myself to have sex while he's hard as a rock from all my fondling. And then it lasts 2 minutes (sometimes 5 seconds).

I wonder if being a better lover might inspire her to initiate more?


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## Flower25 (Jan 9, 2012)

BMF24 said:


> We've been married for 23 years. The sexual initiation is usually done by me 99.9% of the time. How do I get her to initiate? By the way, the only place she likes having sex is in the bedroom (The most boring place ever) usually missionary unless i move her to another position. How do I change this?


Well, I think the first thing to change is the attitude. I'm not sure if you are aware of how judgmental you sound.

It must be very hard to initiate when what one prefers is considered "boring". She's boring? How do you think that feels - to know your spouse finds you boring?

And now you have stopped touching her altogether? Do you think she is interpreting this as a "lesson" from you? Or that she is now completely unworthy of any attention at all?

JMHO - if you want her to feel sexy...you need to act as if she already is. Tease her. Flirt with her. Be irresistable. Let her know that you think she is AWESOME.

I know I would be much more inclined to cuddle up to a person who thought I was 'all that" - rather than trying to pelase someone who just thinks I am boring...

But that's just me.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You can't GET her to do anything - your dynamics have to change, too. 

We can't give recommendations without your coming back to answer some questions. Read the sex and marriage forums - you might learn a lot there.

She probably doesn't feel "safe" being adventurous, perhaps feeling you'll laugh, say it's about time, etc. Or she's just getting it over with to avoid an argument. It sounds like she doesn't feel there's anything in it for her. That can be physical OR emotional so not necessarily tied to your skill as a lover - it can be about how you communicate and feel about each other.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

BMF24 said:


> Now I am with holding affection away from her so she can feel like how she makes me feel. Is that wrong too?


Your motives are bad but actually withdrawing a bit may not be a bad thing. You desire for her may actually be smothering her. Pulling back a bit may give her to freedom to show you some affection. Say I love you a bit less, and initiate hugs a bit less, then see how she responds.

Also, what type of initiating do you want? Is it possible that she is initiating in her own way that is different from what you are looking for?


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## Eilonwy (Nov 27, 2012)

Note that the women who are responding to your thread all state communication, spontaneity, and more emotional initiation. I know the only times I actively like to take charge are when I feel super sexy. My husband is good about noticing when I dress up, change earrings, etc. Whenever we go out, even if it's just to a friends and I'm not really dressed up, he'll say something like "ooo!".

Also, withholding your affections not only sounds unhealthy, it sounds like a very petulant, feminine thing to do.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think withdrawing it not the answer. Different people have different needs, and you obviously are not meeting hers in a way that makes her feel close and connected to you. Withdrawing will only further substantiate that, especially if she needs positive affirmation or quality time to help her feel loved. That Being able to attend to her needs will open the doors of connection and allow intimacy to increase. In my opinion, withdrawal of physical intimacy is a symptom, not a problem.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Stopping affection is a bad idea. It's going to make her more distant.
She needs to find you very attractive mentally and things will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilme831983 (Dec 2, 2012)

I have the answer pm me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I've seen this notion before that withholding affection is likely to make a woman sit up and pay attention. It isn't. Withholding affection is more likely to result in less sex.

For me, direct communication is the only thing that is likely to work. Something along the lines of "Hey, let's have sex in the broom closet with the lights out. You wearing wellies, and me in my raincoat!"


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

My wife is the same, and the only way she'll ever initiate (1 out of 100 times) is if she senses I'm pulling away (i.e 180 type behavior).

I've come to realize this most recently, and thinking back to the days, it has always been this way.

Don't worry about it. Keep taking the lead and change it up. Trust me, she's probably begging to be lifted up on the kitchen counter or from behind in the shower. Push your limits and hers too. Don't wait for her.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Lilme831983 said:


> I have the answer pm me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First post...hmmmm.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

BMF24 said:


> I do all that


:scratchhead:

I stand corrected.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Eilonwy said:


> Also, withholding your affections not only sounds unhealthy, *it sounds like a very petulant, feminine thing to do*.


From the horses mouth? I assume you're a lady?
Finally, I'm not so crazy afterall :lol:


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## Lilme831983 (Dec 2, 2012)

Chump how is your communication with your pArtner i am curious. So many men lose sight on what got them the relationship in the first place so what are your thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

If the woman does have low sexual drive she will act like this and gets lazy in that department. Wait till she gets her peak - you will be sneaking into the house through back window


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

how about its just not in her nature. thats why she cant sustain it. Its not that she doesnt want to make you happy. Presumably she loves you, she has been married to you this long. Why wouldnt she want to make you happy if it were in her control to do so? Im sure she knows you want something that she just cant provide. That is hurtful to her as well. If she accepts your advances and engages with you enthusiastically, why is that not enough "proof"?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

BMF24 said:


> I do all that


......and it still has _not_ worked.

* sigh *

OP,
Go to this TAM page:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/59611-becoming-alpha-62.html

And start reading from post # 930 by the moderator
Here's an excerpt:

"...Hence why men (or women for that matter) finding themselves in such a predicament are encouraged to take a step back, _turn down the emotional temperature, and focus on themselves_ ... enter 'No More Mr. Nice Guy', 'Man Up', and 'Alpha' subject matter.

*The entire dynamic needs to be reframed, because the one you have is unworkable. Without some radical shift in how you interact, inertia will hold you and the dynamic you have with your partner in place. Nothing changes, if nothing changes..."*

Its time to take the red pill.


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