# Great Forum a post 28 years in the making



## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

This is a great site, thank you for creating it.

MARRIAGE=DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP
I am truly touched via the posting on this forum, literally found by accident, but the sadness was to see how many people still seemingly believe one can forget and forgive, or love another's child (from adultery). This post is from real life with as historical viewpoint which is based on facts.
We must go back 28 years ago for my history. We are a family Husband, daughter (1 yr old) and wife. The life is not unusual matter of fact very apple pie,
Summer 1981 it’s a hot one in Brooklyn, the wife of 7 years expresses honey need some time to relax as a mother. I granted her the freedom to be with her girlfriends. Well, this freedom was to be the entire summer of 1980.
I noticed her demeanor changed she became so loving prior to going out for the evening. Why can I cook you a meal, I gave daughter a bath etc. I do not know but a feeling came over me something wasn't right. Why anybody here who underwent this knows this and the yearning to ask. Then I guess guilt or who knows what but one night she literally called out in her sleep "Ohhh Gregory".
I then asked her a week later "have you been cheating" she responded yes it was a guy called "Gregory" to whom she met dancing. The nightly freedom trysts became a habit. My wife would go dancing at club, dancing with Gregory, drinking, diner then to his place for intercourse. Then back home to play mommy/wife again.
Well, I guess the next 4 months was the usual thing for a cheated on spouse. The rage, anger, hate and the feeling's to forgive. There would be no sex, love and minimum talking.
Then the big explosion (LEARNING FOR THE FORUM). It became apparent the neighborhood, friends, relatives knew about the affair. So not was the affair private (or a so called one night fling) it was the discussion of many persons. The trysts became an alternate life by wife. I was to be pitied by women and laughed at by men. This came back to me via acquaintances over the years since this period.
FORUM: OVER THE YEARS LEARNED THIS IS A FACTOR IN DECISION MAKING TO STAY/LEAVE/HATE OR FORGIVE. THE CHEATING SPOUSE WAS IT A FLING IN PRIVATE, A PUBLIC AFFIAR, AND GOD WITH THE INTERNET IS YOUR LOVE ONES PICS ON A MYSPACE OF FACEBOOK SITE VIA A CELL PHONE CAMERA PICTURE.
The next 2 years there would be no sex, love, holidays (personal and calendar). There would be discussions between us; she never wanted to be completely open always stating it’s in the past why don't you forget it. I was so tired of taking care of house and child, I needed a relaxation period.
My responses were you f***** another guy, and I go to work sometimes for 16 hrs and have no thoughts of cheating on you. Then as another posted here, the man forced me to have sexual intercourse with him (THIS IS LAUGHABLE AS MANY TIMES TOLD HER TO CALL THE POLICE AND CHARGE RAPE SHE REFUSED). We supposedly are a couple I told her.
The usual was no responses.
FORUM: THE FOLLOWING OFTEN EMPLOYED BY CHEATER, WHY CAN'T YOU GET OVER IT, THE OBVIOUSLY LETS TURN IT AROUND IT’S YOUR FAULT AND THE EVER GOOD IT WAS FORCED SEX EXCUSE. THIS LEARNED OVER THE YEARS FROM MANY A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR.
Well, it’s now 1982 there is nothing left. I guess god intervened at this time. Go pour yourself a coffee or drink at this time.
I was driving down the street and guess whom comes out of a tavern with a man, its wife poo. I kept driving and never addressed it.
But in the coming weeks found out there would be no nightly trysts but sex replaced with behind dumpsters, junkyards or ever so convenient oral in car. This came from mutual friends, and was made factual over the years.
FORUM: ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED FROM MANY A CONSELOR; THE CHEATING SPOUSE HAS TAKEN DOWN THE BOUNDRIES OF MARRIAGE. A FORGIVEN SPOUSE MAY NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR AGIAN, BUT THE PLUMBER IS GAME FOR A ONE TIME FLING. THE EXPRESSION ONCE A CHEATOR ALWAYS A CHEATER CAN BE VERY VERY APPLICABLE WHEN YOU CONSIDER A LIFETIME TOGETHER WITHOUT BOUNDRIES.
One day as she was coming down the stairs in home, fell down the entire flight. There was to be no injury. I simply laughed out loud for a long and hard period.
At this point I simply walked out of the home with nothing but my pride intact.
IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH, DIVORCE ETC.
So who applied for the divorce, it was her not me, can you imagine this. Now get ready "Gregory moved in with her a week after my leaving". There would be the usual application irreconcilable differences" as reason for divorce on paperwork. The adultery issue is worth nothing in court. Then the alimony and child support order in excess of 65% of my salary which further made myself a victim and hardship.
Well as a professional decided it was time to de-stress life and got a SRO (single room occupancy) and got employment at a hamburger joint. The payments went from 623 a week to 55 a week. Why her recourse court again for an attempted amendment. The judge asked why “I simply responded needed to have no responsibilities". That was accepted.
FORUM: ANOTHER FACT LEARNED EMPLOYMENT IS FROM SLOPPING HAMBURGERS TO HEART SURGERY IN DIVORCE COURT. IF YOU ARE A VICTIM PAYING HIGH ALIMONY OR SUPPORT. THERE IS NO NEED TO KEEP BEING THE VICTIM AS THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MENIAL WAGES OR EMPLOYMENT. 
Thus this action started the inevitable that continues today.
We would see each other briefly for the next year (NO REGRET ON HER PART), before I with new wife decided to relocate. My happiness was to come in a 15 yr old teen, when we married I was 30 yrs old. That was 26 yrs ago, and today wife stats "she has no concept of her mistakes" or lost in life.
CHILD=DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP
A phone call came 5 yrs ago from my daughter it was so hateful and vile. It wasn't a missing dad one or an update.
It was a bunch of rambling sentences.
You left mom and me, you gave mom AIDs. How could you do this to mom and me? I am not your daughter.
Gee I guess mom never told you about Gregory and her. I will be sending to you a million dollars today, since there is no cure for AIDS. I yelled at my wife "honey you have AIDS" and then I hung up.
Now for an historical view, there was suspicion that child was not mine. I am of Latin heritage, she heavily freckled and fair skin. The child had 0% of my attributes, but more of the Gregory fellow. The shocker is her old acquaintances confirmed may indeed not be mine, thus this may have been a factor in the destruction of family unit and her behavior.
There has been no further contact with the child.
FORUM: IF YOU SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER GET A DNA HOME TEST KIT SOLD IN THE STORE, SIMPLY SWAB THE CHILD AND YOUR MOUTH AND SEND TO LAB, YOUR WIFE DOESN;T HAVE TO KNOW. YES, CANNOT BE TAKEN INTO COURT BUT WILL GIVE YOU THE BASIS FOR THE FORMAL PATERITY TEST FOR DVIROCE OR OTHER ACTIONS YOU REQUIRE. NOW THE POLITICAL FEELY GOOD BS, WOMEN TO WHOM HAVE OTHER MAN'S CHILD IN MARRIAGE WAS FOR CENTURIES WERE DISOWNED BY LOVED ONES. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THE ACCEPTANCE OF ANOTHER MANS SPERM IN A WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING IS NOT ONLY MORALLY WRONG, BUT IN VIOLATION OF NATURAL STATE. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER MAN CHILD TO WHOM MAY HAVE DIED OR LEFT, WE ARE TALKING ADULTERY AND ANOTHER MAN'S BABY.
Conclusion with 26 year historical view with professional overview and concurrence:
There really is no forgiving/forgetting it’s really should be called "festering" for life, suspicion for life, never knowing for life. There is the fact, the cheated on spouse may silently suffer the mental torment, while smiling on the outside.
A cheater is always a cheater, the ability to have others without feeling as the boundaries are gone.
DNA is critical to child bearing, there is no such thing as raising other's child especially in marriage. We are animals and as such if we were not advanced via evolution would kill the offspring of another. The raising another man's child in many states is more of a commitment in years than serving a prison sentence for murder.
An old practice made illegal in the 1900's a wife could undergo genital mutilation as a form of commitment, while I am not a supporter of such practices it offers the spouse certainty of continued marriage vows commitment and in the past not an issue to woman to whom cheated.
TODAY PERSONAL UPDATE:
Ex Wife:
Has AIDS
2 illegitimate children
Lost home and all belonging's
Gregory was an abuser and beat her on regular basis; they divorced 12 yrs ago with protection orders.
Lives on social services.
Daughter became pregnant at 16 and now lives with illegals.
Myself:
Happily married to my wife for 26 yrs.
2 grown out of house children.
Having the wisdom to know decisions made correct.
Conclusion:
Old time beliefs are good, and proven.
Political correct beliefs or marriage hype based on feel good new wave today wisdom. There are many that live them in complete misery, I personally have known no less the 20 couples over the years.
Thank you for reading, it’s been a long long journey but one well worth it. I have learned from many professionals, fellow victims and reading's to take old pain and foster them to new strengths which in turn have made my marriage very strong. There is time for the heart to make decision and the brain to do the same. The brain in the case of adultery should be the first.
It’s amazing how one micro second in decision making can cost ones future.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Wow you have had a very colorful life. But you came out on top thats why you gotta love Karma! well that Karma was a little harsh but you get what I am saying right.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

wow. I wish I could muster the strength to leave like you did. 

Funny thing is, I bet your wife came from an abusive family, just as my wife did. Why do they seek these situations out. Destruction follows them doesnt it? It's like evil was injected in them and they can't help but be evil themselves. They lie and cheat those that actually love them, then seek out those that are only there for a good lay, to abuse them, to f*ck them and make them feel like nothing.


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