# Girlfriend of 2.5 years wants a "break"



## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

My 46 year old girlfriend emailed me last Friday wanting a "mental break" I am 53 years old. Is it over?

*Brief background:*
Relationship began 2.5 years ago. She had just finalized her divorce after 20 years of marriage. After our 3rd date, I informed her that I was "in divorce" and not divorced. We began slow. She is a VIRGO (demure, quiet, not born in U.S.) .... first kiss occurred 7 weeks after 1st date .... first intimate encounter after 5+ months of dating.... told her I loved her after 7 months.

It was an amazing "match"....2 kids same age...same length of marriage...same family values, at the same place in our life, classy, sense of humor, etc. 

In the time since we met, the relationship definitely grew & our time together increased. I was able to balance my responsibilities with my kids, work and my girlfriend. Even though, I am technically married .... I did not think of this as an affair because my soon to be ex-wife accepted that I was "seeing others". 

In fact, right after Xmas, we saw each other every day for "record" 15 straight days. 

For my girlfriend, the main issue was that I am still technically married...and this was a problem for her introducing me to her family. However, over time, I met her kids, mother, and a several work colleagues....BUT she always skirted questions about me (where do I live, custody arrangements, etc.etc.). The holidays always made her mad because she could not have me attend/participate family gatherings ..... she could not handle the "questioning" if her family (about 15 siblings, aunts, uncles) found out she was dating a married man. However, since late summer, I have been a regular guest at her home. In fact, when her high school kid got sick, she phoned me to ask me to pick her up.

I had several delays in divorce...but the end is in sight (waiting for court to rubber stamp the agreement...2 months). She is frustrated because she needs to do things (like sell her home which is still jointly owned with her ex, find new place, etc) and would like my involvement. She has told me that she does not feel secure about our future....even though, I've told her many times that I want to spend the next 20 years with her.

The week began with 2 very intimate, fun-loving, jovial nights....by Wednesday, we had a very quiet lunch .... followed by Thursday's argument about my divorce drama ... ending the week with the following email "I am not going to explain and I cannot deal with your family matter anymore. Please do not come to my home or office or call me. I need a mental break."

So? Is it over?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Just give her all the space she needs. She will be back if you are absent enough.

When you say divorce drama...how much are we talking?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sounds like the 'divorce drama' is a doozy. What's that all about?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yeah, what's the "divorce drama?" 

I'd respect her wishes....she's made it clear time and again she has this issue and she pretty much has to shove it aside? Sounds like she really does need a break from it.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Just give her all the space she needs. She will be back if you are absent enough.
> 
> When you say divorce drama...how much are we talking?





lucy999 said:


> Sounds like the 'divorce drama' is a doozy. What's that all about?


Keep in mind, my girlfriend is not U.S. born and her divorce was handled without lawyers (amazing in NJ), self-prepared, no alimony/child support, no fuss .... done in 3 months. In fact, her ex up until a year ago still resided at the former marital home when he was in NJ. Only now, after being divorced for 3 years, is the home up for sale.

Compared to that scenario (which is NOT typical), anything that happens in my divorce process seems drama-filled. Example, my gf wants to plan vacations/get-aways months in advance and my planning horizon is only 3-5 weeks out because need to check out kids schedules, my soon-to be ex wife's work schedule, etc. Gf is a VIRGO....order and perfectionist (most times).

She has mentioned many times her doubts that she will ever be #1 in my life....because it seems to her that I will move mountains for my kids. But both of us have kids the exact ages. The youngest are HS freshmen.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

maastricht789 said:


> She has mentioned many times her doubts that she will ever be #1 in my life....because it seems to her that I will move mountains for my kids. But both of us have kids the exact ages. The youngest are HS freshmen.


But isn't that the way it's supposed to work when you have kids?Kids first? Because if I were with a man who didn't put his kids first, yes, even above me, he'd be history. I never understood this. (Caveat-I'm neither married nor have kids so what do I know?)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Set conditions on the "mental" break. Often when women ask for a break, it's so they can have sex with someone else without guilt. Agreeing not to date or see anyone else would be a condition I'd ask for - if you want to get back together and not have to deal with possible drama on her side as well as yours.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> But isn't that the way it's supposed to work when you have kids?Kids first? Because if I were with a man who didn't put his kids first, yes, even above me, he'd be history. I never understood this. (Caveat-I'm neither married nor have kids so what do I know?)


Well I am told by everyone that knows me that I am a great dad, having said that, I do believe that if your marriage is not right, everything else suffers. You have to balaence it all. But, I would never get with a woman if she was a "me" or "them" type.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

She sounds a bit immature and insecure. It's not going to get better. Her excuses for why she's mad at you are lame. She can sell her house whether your divorce is final or not. I can't even fathom how she is connecting those two, except to find something to b**** about. 

Frankly... You can probably do better. Enjoy the break. Think about what we've said here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

maastricht789 said:


> The week began with 2 very intimate, fun-loving, jovial nights....by Wednesday, we had a very quiet lunch .... followed by Thursday's argument about my divorce drama ... ending the week with the following email "I am not going to explain and I cannot deal with your family matter anymore. Please do not come to my home or office or call me. I need a mental break."
> 
> So? Is it over?


Hard to say but because of what she said, I would let her reach out to you again. She seems pretty steadfast in her words. Did you reply back? If not, then say you understand and are respectful of her needs/wanting a break. To reach out to you when she is ready to talk.

With that said, yeah this could be the end. 

Sounds like you were her rebound (and she yours). Albeit, long rebounds.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

intheory said:


> So, when you two first got together, you were technically still married and she was freshly divorced.
> 
> Both of you had substantially long marriages - 20 years.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

BUT she always skirted questions about me (*where do I live, custody arrangements*, etc.etc.)

You are living apart from your STBX, right? Why would these questions be an issue unless you were/are still living with your wife?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

maastricht789 said:


> My 46 year old girlfriend emailed me last Friday wanting a "mental break" I am 53 years old. Is it over?


Yes. And here's why:



maastricht789 said:


> She had just finalized her divorce after 20 years of marriage.


You were her rebound. You helped her get over him. Now she is. She's moving on.

And not to mention that pesky little thing that shows you may not be such great partner material - not divorcing your wife.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

*Thanks for everyone's feedback*

One little question .... do women expect men to always pick-up the tab? I feel/agree that at the beginning, the guy should pay the bill. But at what point, should this change .... if ever.

In my situation, I pay for 90% of everything....meals, plane tickets, hotels, etc. Her contributions have included buying wines for BYOB restaurants, purchasing discount coupons for restaurants, buying desserts at times. But, she DID express her appreciation & love for me....buying me little gifts which were always appropriate. If I had an important business meeting, a new tie, or a monogrammed shirt...etc..etc.

Please understand I had no problem with this. However, because of this "break" am I looking back on everything. We acted like a COUPLE for 2.5 years. So I am hurt that she lost patience waiting for my divorce to finalize.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

maastricht789 said:


> One little question .... do women expect men to always pick-up the tab? I feel/agree that at the beginning, the guy should pay the bill. But at what point, should this change .... if ever.


I don't. I'm in a committed relationship now, but in the beginning we'd usually go dutch at my insistence. There were times when he paid, though. But it was pretty equal.

Now, since we're living together, he pays for dinner, then next time it's my turn, etc. It works very well for us.

I don't need anyone to pay for me. I can do it all by my widdle girly self.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Well I would not let her pay, but that's me. Every couple is different.I get what you are saying about acting like a couple, but to be fair, 2.5 years is a long freaking time to get divorced, way above the average time it usually takes. Very uncomfortable position for her to be in. 

I would not force it, give her her space. If she comes back, assure her she is your priority but you have responsabilities as a man and father that you cannot ignore. Tell her you hoped part of why she loves you is due to your honor, integrity, loyalty, and being a good father. If those qualities are not soemthing she appreciates, then indeed, you are not the right guy for her.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

So, sending her a small plant or flowers is out of the question??? 

I was thinking to send a small bonsai plant later this week....just to say "thinking of you". And that's it.

As a Type A- personality, I always need to do something to face an issue. Which explains the reason I am on this site.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would just MAIL a card that says "I understand. Take your time. Wishing you the best."


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## OrionsBelt (Aug 10, 2014)

I lurk on this forum but rarely post. After reading this I feel the need to write something. 

Personally, I think painting everyone with the same brush based on some astrological sign is nuts though I can see SOME similar traits in people with the same sign. This does not however mean that anyone who is a Virgo, Aries, Gemini, Scoprio etc... are the same. People are individuals you know. You mentioned that she is a Virgo sign (twice, and in caps no less) and so I thought I'd give you another person's perspective who happens to have your girlfriend's sign. 

Dating men with a lot of issues and baggage are major turnoffs for me. I like order and a lack of chaos and this does not mean dealing with crazy exes, or crazy partners who involve their exes too much. That she decided to leave you after 2.5 years of getting to know you is no surprise based on what you wrote. Since you seem very into astrology it should then come as no surprise that most Virgos are cautious with their hearts and don't leap into things quickly. She likely saw a future of drama and wanted to avoid that. I know I would.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

OrionsBelt said:


> I lurk on this forum but rarely post. After reading this I feel the need to write something.
> 
> Personally, I think painting everyone with the same brush based on some astrological sign is nuts though I can see SOME similar traits in people with the same sign. This does not however mean that anyone who is a Virgo, Aries, Gemini, Scoprio etc... are the same. People are individuals you know. You mentioned that she is a Virgo sign (twice, and in caps no less) and so I thought I'd give you another person's perspective who happens to have your girlfriend's sign.
> 
> Dating men with a lot of issues and baggage are major turnoffs for me. I like order and a lack of chaos and this does not mean dealing with crazy exes, or crazy partners who involve their exes too much. That she decided to leave you after 2.5 years of getting to know you is no surprise based on what you wrote. Since you seem very into astrology it should then come as no surprise that most Virgos are cautious with their hearts and don't leap into things quickly. She likely saw a future of drama and wanted to avoid that. I know I would.


Orion, I'm not into astrology...never knew one thing about until I met my GF. I guess I'm disappointed because of the timing...not sure what snapped .... considering the divorce is pending court final stamp.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

2.5 years? Drag your feet much? I can totally see her point of view. Let her go. Call her when you're actually divorced.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are probably a lot of unknowns here that the OP didn't post about but touched on - the divorce/the kids, etc.



maastricht789 said:


> One little question .... do women expect men to always pick-up the tab? I feel/agree that at the beginning, the guy should pay the bill. But at what point, should this change .... if ever.


Depends on the woman. Depends on the couple. As you saw in this very thread, one poster said she and her husband switch off every other date; someone else said he never lets his wife pay. One shoe does not fit all. 



maastricht789 said:


> In my situation, I pay for 90% of everything....meals, plane tickets, hotels, etc. Her contributions have included buying wines for BYOB restaurants, purchasing discount coupons for restaurants, buying desserts at times. But, she DID express her appreciation & love for me....buying me little gifts which were always appropriate.
> 
> Please understand I had no problem with this. However, because of this "break" am I looking back on everything. We acted like a COUPLE for 2.5 years. So I am hurt that she lost patience waiting for my divorce to finalize.


So you're upset about the fact that you chose to pay for those things now that you've broken up? If it bothers you a lot, in the future, if you date someone new, don't pay all the time.

About the gift - maybe you could attach a note to the bonsai tree saying what Turner said. I would advise you not to bombard her with phone calls and/or a litany of text messages asking WHY? Like my good friend Enjo on here once said: The why doesn't matter. Ultimately, the end result is the same - she wants a "mental break" in this case. Respect her wishes.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> *But isn't that the way it's supposed to work when you have kids?Kids first?* Because if I were with a man who didn't put his kids first, yes, even above me, he'd be history. I never understood this. (Caveat-I'm neither married nor have kids so what do I know?)


Actually, no.

7 ways to put you marriage first

"I wasn't surprised to learn that this kid-focused life isn't healthy for our marriage — and it turns out that it's not so good for the kids, either".


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## OrionsBelt (Aug 10, 2014)

It sounds actually like you are the one into astrology. You wrote this in your second posting pointing out the traits:

"Compared to that scenario (which is NOT typical), anything that happens in my divorce process seems drama-filled. Example, my gf wants to plan vacations/get-aways months in advance and my planning horizon is only 3-5 weeks out because need to check out kids schedules, my soon-to be ex wife's work schedule, etc. Gf is a VIRGO....order and perfectionist (most times)."

Who cares if she wants order? You seem on the other hand to have none of it. You have a divorce which has been dragging on for over 2.5 years with seemingly no end in sight. Why? That is well above average length of time from filing to divorcing and it's no wonder your girlfriend has had enough. 

Your girlfriend happens to be a planner and yet you act like it's something of a negative that she wants to make plans with you and your kids well in advance so that there likely won't be any last minute issues. 

It sounds like you resent these things so perhaps it would be best if you found someone who just flies by the seat of her pants. I am being serious about this and not trying to be rude or snotty.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The girlfriend has been a crutch. If he was really motivated to divorce it would have happened long ago. But having a girlfriend around took the pressure off and allowed him to drag it out. Now her leaving will make him motivated to finish it, which is what she wants.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Jung_admirer said:


> Actually, no.
> 
> 7 ways to put you marriage first
> 
> "I wasn't surprised to learn that this kid-focused life isn't healthy for our marriage — and it turns out that it's not so good for the kids, either".


Duly noted. I guess I should have asked, isn't that the way it's supposed to be in _blended_ families? I'm not talking about spoiling the kids or bowing to their every whim and being a doormat of a parent.

I just find it to be a huge turn-off if I see a parent who puts their children behind a relationship with someone who's not the kids' parent. It's totally nonsensical to me and I have a hard time respecting that parent.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

maastricht789 said:


> She has told me that she does not feel secure about our future....even though, I*'ve told her many times that I want to spend the next 20 years with her.*


Wrong thing to say, IMHO.

Should have been : I want to spend the rest of my life with you.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> Duly noted. I guess I should have asked, isn't that the way it's supposed to be in _blended_ families? I'm not talking about spoiling the kids or bowing to their every whim and being a doormat of a parent.
> 
> I just find it to be a huge turn-off if I see a parent who puts their children behind a relationship with someone who's not the kids' parent. It's totally nonsensical to me and I have a hard time respecting that parent.


You have to be able to make your partner a priority and stil take care/do what is best for your children. It's not easy for sure. Choosing your partner is important though, you cannot choose one that is not understanding or supportive. And I agree, a parent that leaves his children behind for a new partner is not attractive. I do not have any respect for them as a parent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> OP, are there 'unique' circumstances to your marriage/divorce, such as living arrangements? You never answered SlowlyGoingCrazy's post.


I agree. Good eye. I missed that on my initial viewing.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

michzz said:


> Wrong thing to say, IMHO.
> 
> Should have been : I want to spend the rest of my life with you.


Sorry....that was our little inside joke because at our ages, anything longer we figured we would not remember each other .... morbid LOL


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> BUT she always skirted questions about me (*where do I live, custody arrangements*, etc.etc.)
> 
> You are living apart from your STBX, right? Why would these questions be an issue unless you were/are still living with your wife?


*Sorry .... did not intentionally overlook this inquiry.*

When we met, I was still living in the same house with soon to be ex-wife and kids. I was traveling 40% for work....then last year, moved into small apartment nearby home. My kids are teenagers...college/HS. Their routine has remained the same.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Well, in your girlfriend's defense, I'm trying to imagine explaining to my own mother that my married boyfriend is still living with his wife. Ain't happenin'. She'd come positively unglued. So I can totally see that being a super-awkward conversation to have with her family. 

Look, there's nothing wrong with your girlfriend. She's just gotten her head together enough at this point to see that this was a rebound relationship for both of you. One that put her in an awkward spot with her family and likely in other ways as well. One that she might not have even considered had she not still been reeling from her divorce. Yes, I think it's over. I also think that's probably a healthy thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your girlfriend got tired of waiting for you to finalize your divorce. Maybe she'll be ready to resume your relationship when you're divorced and maybe not. Time will tell.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

Lila said:


> OP, your timeline and posts suggest that you were seeing your girlfriend before you had filed for divorce from your STBXW.
> 
> Be honest....Did you start seeing your girlfriend _before _you started divorce proceedings?


Honestly, no. It had started before seeing her...in fact, I had come from my lawyers office when I met her for the first time.

What is STBXW?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Soon To Be Ex Wife.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

maastricht789 said:


> *Sorry .... did not intentionally overlook this inquiry.*
> 
> When we met, I was still living in the same house with soon to be ex-wife and kids. I was traveling 40% for work....then last year, moved into small apartment nearby home. My kids are teenagers...college/HS. Their routine has remained the same.


Why did it take so long to move out?


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

Anyway, I am the eternal optimist, I realize that I've been *living in a fantasy*!! 

For the past 2.5 years, my GF & I were indeed doing many things .... some for the first time in our respective lives, others after 8-10 years. We were in marriages for the same length....marital problems happened at the same juncture.... and both of us were the ones trying to save of marriages. Simple things like holding hands, hugging while walking, talking, acting silly, laughing, kissing were "new" again .... we even got "caught" by police for making out in the back of my car several times. 

(not too sound melodramatic) .... The stars were in perfect alignment. Everything that happens in the first 6 months drew us closer and closer. There were soooo many aspects of our lives that were in-sync .... even when both of our jobs were suddenly uprooted, our new places of employment (by chance) were even closer to each other!! 7 miles apart! We were seeing each several times in the week....sometimes just for a 20 min breakfast....other times for lunch .... then there were ice cream sundae drop-offs if I was driving past her office. Unless I was on a biz trip, 3 days were the longest period we did not see each other. 

We know more about each other than we do about our ex's. 

Guess that's why it lasted 2.5 years....

But I know what has to be done now.

And if we are done ..... we packed more "life" in 2.5 years than probably in the last 15 years of our respective marriages. And for that, I am and will always be very thankful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Duly noted. I guess I should have asked, isn't that the way it's supposed to be in _blended_ families? I'm not talking about spoiling the kids or bowing to their every whim and being a doormat of a parent.
> 
> I just find it to be a huge turn-off if I see a parent who puts their children behind a relationship with someone who's not the kids' parent. It's totally nonsensical to me and I have a hard time respecting that parent.


Why does it have to be either or?

I'm stepmum to my husbands beautiful daughter. His second marriage (obviously) and my first. 

He can love me 100% and he can love his daughter 100%. Why does he have to choose who comes "first"?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

frusdil said:


> Why does it have to be either or?
> 
> I'm stepmum to my husbands beautiful daughter. His second marriage (obviously) and my first.
> 
> He can love me 100% and he can love his daughter 100%. Why does he have to choose who comes "first"?


Sometimes compromises aren't possible. 

C


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

frusdil said:


> He can love me 100% and he can love his daughter 100%. Why does he have to choose who comes "first"?


He doesn't have to choose. Because you're statement says it all. That he can love both of you 100%. Some people don't have your kind of maturity when it comes to this situation. When the maturity or understanding is absent, kids should always come first.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

maastricht789 said:


> Anyway, I am the eternal optimist, I realize that I've been *living in a fantasy*!!
> 
> For the past 2.5 years, my GF & I were indeed doing many things .... some for the first time in our respective lives, others after 8-10 years. We were in marriages for the same length....marital problems happened at the same juncture.... and both of us were the ones trying to save of marriages. Simple things like holding hands, hugging while walking, talking, acting silly, laughing, kissing were "new" again .... we even got "caught" by police for making out in the back of my car several times.
> 
> ...


Everyone, whatever you may think of me... I am a really nice, straight shooting guy. I may be misguided, eternally optimistic ... was very lonely & tired trying to hold my marriage together for years. I don't jump into relationships easily...and before my GF, I was a born again virgin since I think I passed the 10 year mark.LOL

*I will miss my GF ... my best friend ever!!*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

maastricht789 said:


> *Sorry .... did not intentionally overlook this inquiry.*
> 
> When we met, I was still living in the same house with soon to be ex-wife and kids. I was traveling 40% for work....then last year, moved into small apartment nearby home. My kids are teenagers...college/HS. Their routine has remained the same.


So by the math, you lived with wife/kids for 1.5 years of your relationship with your girlfriend. Oy. I am surprised you guys dated as long as you date, to be honest! 

My advice is to spend some time alone. It will be good for you. You never really ad a break after your divorce as you started dating someone else for almost 3 yrs after separating "in-house" from your wife.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> So by the math, you lived with wife/kids for 1.5 years of your relationship with your girlfriend. Oy. I am surprised you guys dated as long as you date, to be honest!
> 
> My advice is to spend some time alone. It will be good for you. You never really ad a break after your divorce as you started dating someone else for almost 3 yrs after separating "in-house" from your wife.


Yes, you are correct. 

That's the reason I believe my relationship (former) is so unique.

I had been "alone" for a long time in my marriage. It wasn't until recently (2013) that I even acknowledged marriage problems to my family. I have always been the "rock" in my family...parents, brothers, close cousins, etc. 10 years without intimacy sucks...lol

You can imagine how great it was when my GF accepted my marital status....albeit she was enjoying benefits as well.

I have had time this week to reflect. I will give my GF her space but I know her...and it is likely over.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So how close is the divorce to being final?

Have you told her it was close before and then have it been pushed further back?

Why has it taken this long? Could she be thinking you're draging your feet?

Did she tell you she didn't want to see you at all for awhile or wanted to slow it down?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

maastricht789 said:


> *I will miss my GF ... my best friend ever!!*


You sell yourself short. What makes you think there aren't OTHER, BETTER potential best friends out there?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

maastricht789 said:


> *You can imagine how great it was when my GF accepted my marital status.*...albeit she was enjoying benefits as well.


I bet. I know for me, (and a lot of women), dating a man who is still living with wife/kids (or STBX) would not even happen. I think this eventually probably wore on her. With that said you guys were each others' rebounds.



maastricht789 said:


> I have had time this week to reflect. I will give my GF her space but I know her...and it is likely over.


And you will be fine if it is.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

maastricht789:
The thing that jumped out at me from your original post was the fact that your GF refused to offer any explanation of why she was leaving. After 2.5 years I think that she owed you a reason why. Open communication is essential to a good relationship. She may have gotten cold feet as the reality of your divorce neared, but she should have told you why she was unhappy.

I would take some time to be alone, and sort out who you are now, and who you are truly compatible with.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I bet. I know for me, (and a lot of women), dating a man who is still living with wife/kids (or STBX) would not even happen. I think this eventually probably wore on her. With that said you guys were each others' rebounds.
> 
> 
> 
> And you will be fine if it is.


The cool thing is that if each of you were each other's rebound then you two truly helped each other and now you are ready for a real relationship.

Im sure the mutuality of it lent an air of "synchronicity" to it which would have prevented it from continueing in other circumstances.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> So how close is the divorce to being final?
> 
> Have you told her it was close before and then have it been pushed further back?
> 
> ...


Divorce should be final in 2-3 months....part of the motivation revolves around college financial aid.

Yes, I had told my GF it was "close" before only to have delays. 
She knows all the details .... even down to date/time of my lawyer appointments. (maybe I should not have given her so much info)

It has taken so long because we tried to have a signed agreement in place before filing. (NJ laws) Everytime I signed, my ex-wife would pull back for some reason. One time, she had lost her job .... another time, she asked that my airline miles be included....issues around my son's choice of college. But in the end, she was simply fearful and insecure about continuing alone.

Last email: I am not going to explain and I cannot deal with your family matter anymore. I hate myself to be involved in your divorce. Please do not come to my home or office or call me.
I need a mental break.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

turnera said:


> You sell yourself short. What makes you think there aren't OTHER, BETTER potential best friends out there?


 Based on my age, and the number of women I met / dated before meeting my GF....I think the odds are questionable. :scratchhead: 

At least, I'm not going to rush into another relationship....it would not be fair for the next woman.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

skype said:


> maastricht789:
> The thing that jumped out at me from your original post was *the fact that your GF refused to offer any explanation of why she was leavin*g. After 2.5 years I think that she owed you a reason why. Open communication is essential to a good relationship.


I don't see it that way. Based on his initial post, it seems this has always been a sore spot for her. Sounds like it just came to a head and she got tired. She even told her she was done with the whole family/matter divorce thing.



maastricht789 said:


> I did not think of this as an affair because my soon to be ex-wife accepted that I was "seeing others".
> 
> *For my girlfriend, the main issue was that I am still technically married...and this was a problem for her introducing me to her family*. However, over time, I met her kids, mother, and a several work colleagues....BUT s*he always skirted questions about me (where do I live, custody arrangements, etc.etc.).* T*he holidays always made her mad *because she could not have me attend/participate family gatherings .....* she could not handle the "questioning" *if her family (about 15 siblings, aunts, uncles) *found out she was dating a married man*.
> 
> ...





maastricht789 said:


> Yes, I had told my GF it was "close" before only to have delays.
> 
> It has taken so long because we tried to have a signed agreement in place before filing. (NJ laws) Everytime I signed, my ex-wife would pull back for some reason. One time, she had lost her job .... another time, she asked that my airline miles be included....issues around my son's choice of college. But in the end, she was simply fearful and insecure about continuing alone.
> 
> Last email: I am not going to explain and I cannot deal with your family matter anymore. *I hate myself to be involved in your divorce. *


That highlighted part... ? Does she feel responsible for your divorce or something? 

Thing is - all the delays you had with your wife and the divorce--many of them were happening while you were still living with your wife/kids and dating the girlfriend. Yeah, I can see how that would get annoying over time. But again, she chose to date you under those circumstances. You mentioned she wanted you to be involved with the selling of her house now, etc but kinda made it seem like you can't be (your wording)? She probably just reached her wit's end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What, are you 75 or something? There are people in their 60s and 70s leaving their spouses.

You know, having someone in your bed should NOT be your ultimate goal in life. 

Sounds like maybe you NEED to learn to be ok by yourself for a year or two. That way you don't make (bad) decisions just based on not being alone.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

It sounds simple to me. The last two years she has been with someone lawfully and spiritually tied to someone else. Every time it appeared you were about to be freed, the baggage cleared to move on and have you 100 percent, your ex would pull something to delay it, giving your GF no end in sight. I would have a hard time giving it my all and planning a future with someone who wasnt technically all mine. What it boils down to is being in a fun loving relationship.. With a married man. Maybe she will come around but it is hard to start a new chapter when you havent closed the last one. Her delivery sucks though. After almost 3 years, she should have been more upfront. That is my take on it anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> The cool thing is that if each of you were each other's rebound then you two truly helped each other and now you are ready for a real relationship.
> 
> Im sure the mutuality of it lent an air of "synchronicity" to it which would have prevented it from continueing in other circumstances.


True. 

But there was also an air "naivete" "freshness" with her. Here was this 43 year old woman who got excited and continues to get excited about things. 

Not born in U.S. Like many of us, her entire adult life was being wife, mother and commute to/from work every day. No activities until the weekend. Started driving only 7 years ago. 

We did things we could not / never did with our respective exes. She had traveled to Europe and Asia but had never been to Jersey shore even though she lived 15-20 minutes away ... and on and on. 

Our first kiss was on our 5th date .... and that was peck on the cheek. No hug. She would ask me sincerely... is this typical of americans? 

But in other aspects, she is smart, logical, sophisticated with a perfect memory (so I can say I never lied to her).


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

tonedef said:


> It sounds simple to me. The last two years she has been with _*someone lawfully and spiritually *_tied to someone else. Every time it appeared you were about to be freed, the baggage cleared to move on and have you 100 percent, your ex would pull something to delay it, giving your GF no end in sight. I would have a hard time giving it my all and planning a future with someone who wasnt technically all mine. What it boils down to is being in a fun loving relationship.. With a married man. Maybe she will come around but it is hard to start a new chapter when you havent closed the last one. Her delivery sucks though. After almost 3 years, she should have been more upfront. That is my take on it anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One minor point....I am legally tied to STBEX but have not been spiritually tied for nearly 6 years. If I still felt spiritually connected, I would not have done what I did.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Just get your divorce done and contact her then. If it was meant to be (which is probably is), it will happen. If not...there are plenty of women.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maastricht,

I understand that divorces can be long and painful. It's also true that the person 'losing out' will delay endlessly if they can. 

Which is why the person initiating the divorce often needs to have 'the talk' at some point. It kind of goes like this:

I know you don't want this to happen. I know it's scary. That's why I've been patient and accommodating until now. But we are now at a point where you need to make a decision. 

And that decision is simple. You can either cooperate with the timely completion of the process, or continue to drag it out. If you choose the former approach, we will remain friends. 

If however, you continue to delay the process, we will have no relationship at all going forward. 

I'll accept whatever choice you make, I just need you to understand the consequences. 

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And FWIW the bit about your planning horizon being limited to 3-5 weeks was a dead giveaway that you remain partly under your STBXWs thumb. Before the divorce - you two planned vacations many months in advance. Because she wanted to. 

Your GF is tired of watching you let your wife walk all over you.....










maastricht789 said:


> One minor point....I am legally tied to STBEX but have not been spiritually tied for nearly 6 years. If I still felt spiritually connected, I would not have done what I did.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK, there could be all kinds of reasons. The person might be abusive, you might want to see what freedom is like, you might want a chance to meet someone who's actually glad to be with you, you might want to do things your spouse refuses to do and you only have a few years left...

Just having a warm body beside you isn't a great reason to stay married.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If a "girl" doesn't have enough respect to meet you face to face and request her space......it's probably not a "girl" you want to be with from the get go.

Let her go and don't EVER look back. 

She WILL come crawling back.......just ignore/block all her communications.

The reality is, YOU are the one that probably shouldn't want her at this point vs the other way around.



PS. It does seem like you guys rushed into things....take a break (6 months to a year) and when you are ready, start dating again.

I would not recommend getting back with this lady though....cut her off completely. I know I would.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

maastricht789 said:


> True.
> 
> But there was also an air "naivete" "freshness" with her. Here was this 43 year old woman who got excited and continues to get excited about things.
> 
> ...


I sense White Knight syndrome.

Remember, whatever she DIDN'T do in her previous marriage (same goes for you) is as much as HER fault as it is her husbands.

I'm SURE you both can do whatever you wanted IF you decided to DO SO. 

The reason she didn't go 10-15 min to visit "Jersey Shore" is because she didn't want to!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> She WILL come crawling back.......just ignore/block all her communications.


Or she might not... 

Just saying.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Or she might not...
> 
> Just saying.


Hopefully she will not (best for the OP).

I just have VERY little respect for ANYONE that would end the relationship over the email like that.

That's just pathetic, that's some middle school type of crap right there.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

maastricht789 said:


> My 46 year old girlfriend emailed me last Friday wanting a "mental break" I am 53 years old. Is it over?


It SHOULD be over. The whole, "we need to go on a break" thing is code for, I want to sleep with other people. "Mental" break? That's a good one.

Tell her she can take her break, indefinitely. Unless you don't mind being her back burner after she has had her "break"


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

turnera said:


> And not to mention that pesky little thing that shows you may not be such great partner material - not divorcing your wife.


He IS divorcing his wife. Not that I condone dating before the divorce is over, because I don't(unless one spouse is somehow dragging it on for years).

But if your point was that he isn't divorced just yet, I agree. Why can't people have some patience and do it right?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

maastricht789 said:


> *Thanks for everyone's feedback*
> 
> One little question .... do women expect men to always pick-up the tab?


I think a lot do, but I've been with women who don't expect it, even though I will pick it up anyway. Its refreshing.

For those that EXPECT me to pick up the tab, I better get a shoulder rub out of it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

vellocet said:


> He IS divorcing his wife. Not that I condone dating before the divorce is over, because I don't(unless one spouse is somehow dragging it on for years).
> 
> But if your point was that he isn't divorced just yet, I agree. Why can't people have some patience and do it right?


My brother's wife up and left him last year. He's had multiple women wanting to go out with him, but he's refused all offers until the divorce (which his stbx keeps dragging out, to get more of his money) is final. He keeps himself busy with church and friends and traveling and volunteering.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

DoF said:


> If a "girl" doesn't have enough respect to meet you face to face and request her space......it's probably not a "girl" you want to be with from the get go.
> 
> Let her go and don't EVER look back.
> 
> ...





DoF said:


> I sense White Knight syndrome.
> 
> Remember, whatever she DIDN'T do in her previous marriage (same goes for you) is as much as HER fault as it is her husbands.
> 
> ...


@DOF .... I know my GF very well. The email approach, while extremely disappointing, is understandable because (in her mind) English is not her 1st language. For such an accomplished woman, she has this lack of confidence "streak" and an adherence to old world "values". 

Yes, it sounds as if I am defending her .... but she is living day-to-day on many aspects of her life .... her work, children, housing, mother, me .... all without any future direction. While I was her "support", as I thought about it, I was the easiest thing to jettison.

The comment about not doing things in the marriage is not fair. Don't you enjoy doing things with someone else? I, myself, missed going to live music venues and concerts .... so in the 2.5 yrs with my GF, guess what....concerts, jazz clubs, dancing. Things I did not do with my ex-wife. Middle aged guys going to concerts, jazz clubs....not cool. lol

I don't understand everyone's comment about rushing into things after divorce. In both our cases, we spent the past 4-5 years "alone" in our marriage .... it was strange (and comforting) to find out that my GF & I had separate bedrooms in our respective marital homes. After being alone for so long....the last thing you want to do "wait" and be alone longer. After all, we are 46 & 53 years old.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There's obviously a big difference between feeling alone in a marriage and actually being divorced. She's either taking a break because your divorce has been dragging on too long or she's taking a break for some other reason. You'll find out the answer once you can tell her you're finally divorced.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

*Openminded ... that's very true!!*


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

maastricht789 said:


> @DOF .... I know my GF very well. The email approach, while extremely disappointing, is understandable because (in her mind) English is not her 1st language. For such an accomplished woman, she has this lack of confidence "streak" and an adherence to old world "values".


I'm sorry but that's just a pathetic excuse. Here is my feeling about old world values...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pirSM5IjosY



maastricht789 said:


> Yes, it sounds as if I am defending her .... but she is living day-to-day on many aspects of her life .... her work, children, housing, mother, me .... all without any future direction. While I was her "support", as I thought about it, I was the easiest thing to jettison.


You seem to recognize this, yet you are still with her and defend her?

So if it wasn't for your wealth, you wouldn't even be in the picture?

PS. MOST Americans live day to day buddy.....




maastricht789 said:


> The comment about not doing things in the marriage is not fair. Don't you enjoy doing things with someone else? I, myself, missed going to live music venues and concerts .... so in the 2.5 yrs with my GF, guess what....concerts, jazz clubs, dancing. Things I did not do with my ex-wife. Middle aged guys going to concerts, jazz clubs....not cool. lol


You could've done them with your ex.....but you didn't, why?



maastricht789 said:


> I don't understand everyone's comment about rushing into things after divorce. In both our cases, we spent the past 4-5 years "alone" in our marriage .... it was strange (and comforting) to find out that my GF & I had separate bedrooms in our respective marital homes. After being alone for so long....the last thing you want to do "wait" and be alone longer. After all, we are 46 & 53 years old.


Until the relationship ends, nothing ends. And until you take 6 months to a year to recover after marriage......you are rushing in/not ready.


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## maastricht789 (Jan 26, 2015)

*Since I'm a newbie on this forum ..... can the women who have contributed to this thread identify themselves (and their age) in a private message to me.

I have a simple for you...and do not want to ask it in public.

Thanks in advance for those who reply.*


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

maastricht789 said:


> *Since I'm a newbie on this forum ..... can the women who have contributed to this thread identify themselves (and their age) in a private message to me.
> 
> I have a simple for you...and do not want to ask it in public.
> 
> Thanks in advance for those who reply.*


Tell me how gender even matters? 

:scratchhead:

You are looking for answers you want to hear, not answers you NEED to hear.

Good luck


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

From her perspective, she's been waiting 2.5 years for you. You say she has old world values, which means she respects the sanctity of marriage. You say she feels she can't tell many of her family members about dating you, which means she's been living a lie for you for 2.5 years. You have some sort of irregular schedule with your kids that means you can't plan ahead very well, and she's a planner. She's unable to sell her house because she doesn't know what her future holds in the way of living arrangements. All this has likely been very stressful for her. She doesn't necessarily need a break from you, she needs a break from the stress you bring to her life so she has clarity to make decisions about what she wants for her life.

This woman wants a ring on it. But she also wants it to be from an available and reliable man. It isn't that she's losing patience when the divorce is finally in sight, it's that she's evaluating your reliability based on how long it took in the first place. She's also evaluating her apparent importance to you (or lack thereof) based on how meeting her didn't give you incentive to speed up the process.

As for the separate issue of who pays, I generally think that nowadays, whoever does the inviting should pay. You invite her out to dinner and pick the place, it's on you. You invite her on vacation in Hawaii, it's on you. She invites you to jazz night at the bar, it's on her. Whoever was the better income probably picks the more expensive activities.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I am a woman and sorry, I don't message married men, but I will give you my honest opinion. You were her Sugar Daddy and she was your younger, foreign companion. You had fun, she had fun. Now the fun for her is over.

The money you spent on her probably might have been better spent ironing out your kids college tuition dilemma. Just my tactless, honest opinion.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

DUMP HER. 
There's plenty of women out there that want someone to love, and that will love your kids as well!!
You find that "lady", your kids will love her too/back.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

flyer said:


> DUMP HER.
> There's plenty of women out there that want someone to love, and that will love your kids as well!!
> You find that "lady", your kids will love her too/back.


There ARE plenty of women out there who want someone to love...someone who is not still married to another woman!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

intheory said:


> This is strange to me. Other than an abusive situation; why not just hang in there for the last 5 - 15 years?
> 
> Assuming these are marriages of 30 - 40 years.
> 
> ...


Why? I think it would be to not live your final years in misery, when you can be happier alone or with someone else. I'd hate to miss out on happiness for even a few years if divorce will provide the opportunity. Even hope is better than known discontent.


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