# I'll try the short and sweet version



## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Me and the wife have been married 15 years. About 8 or 9 years ago I was unfaithful. No sex, but I don't think that matters. Cheating is cheating either way. Texting, pictures, phone calls. I was in the Navy and we had 5 kids at home. We had our fights, reconciled (so I thought) and moved on. 
. Present day- Now all the kids are out of the house, and doing good. Her sex drive has changed a lot. I bring up to her attention that I need more physical contact or compliments, affection of some sort. I got nothing in response. One drunken night, I text my ex-wife. She finds out, and here we are now a year later trying to decide if we can make it work... How long and hard do I try and suppress my own needs and desires for us as a couple before I give up? I've been pretty miserable for a year, which I feel is deserved, because I am truly trying to show remorse. I just don't know how long and hard to fight

Really vague, but I'll answer an extra information needed.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Derrick83 said:


> One drunken night.....


Was this a one off, or is this a pattern?

Not the texting your ex, but being drunk?

Would your wife say this is an issue in your marriage for her?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Derrick83 said:


> Me and the wife have been married 15 years. About 8 or 9 years ago I was unfaithful. No sex, but I don't think that matters. Cheating is cheating either way. Texting, pictures, phone calls. I was in the Navy and we had 5 kids at home. We had our fights, reconciled (so I thought) and moved on.
> . Present day- Now all the kids are out of the house, and doing good. Her sex drive has changed a lot. I bring up to her attention that I need more physical contact or compliments, affection of some sort. I got nothing in response. One drunken night, I text my ex-wife. She finds out, and here we are now a year later trying to decide if we can make it work... How long and hard do I try and suppress my own needs and desires for us as a couple before I give up? I've been pretty miserable for a year, which I feel is deserved, because I am truly trying to show remorse. I just don't know how long and hard to fight
> 
> Really vague, but I'll answer an extra information needed.


You seem to have a pattern of instigating emotional affairs when things get rough. Is that a fair statement? 

Would you consider going to counseling to a) figure out why you have this pattern and b) figure out if the marriage is something you even want to be in anymore? (And if so, what would it take from both your parts to save it.)


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

OnTheFly said:


> Was this a one off, or is this a pattern?
> 
> Not the texting your ex, but being drunk?
> 
> Would your wife say this is an issue in your marriage for her?


Oh no, the drunk thing is normally a group activity. She's a bartender and I'm an ex-sailor. A bit cliche, I know. We both enjoy our drinks on occassion.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In a nutshell, not a pecan, but a peeking one, I get this.

You felt unloved for a year due to your wife's lack of affection and touch.

You get drunk and text your ex wife, your wife finds out and now you are _still struggling._

You were already struggling, nothing changed, except her finding out about your cheating texts to you ex.

I assume your wife found out about the sexting the first time, ~8 years ago?

Then she catches you again, right?

After your fist EA, did you guys really reconcile?

Are the children out of the house, or are they soon to be/
How old are they?

She may be ready to dump you, not for this 2d affair, but for the first. She never got over it.

The call to your ex wife is not an affair, but she sees it as the equivalent.

I see little hope for your marriage.



_Lilith-_


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> You seem to have a pattern of instigating emotional affairs when things get rough. Is that a fair statement?
> 
> Would you consider going to counseling to a) figure out why you have this pattern and b) figure out if the marriage is something you even want to be in anymore? (And if so, what would it take from both your parts to save it.)


I think it's fair to say. I have some avoidance issues from some past military experiences. We are both in individual therapy right now. We went to a marriage counselor but group decision was fix ourselves then decide if we're ready to fix us, or if it's worth it. 

I just feel my therapy is a lot more intense because it's through the veteran outreach center. I also feel I've discovered emotions suck when you don't avoid them. I know what I want and am willing to do to make us work, but I don't think she knows if she wants to or not. 

Not an angry feeling in the air between us, just awkward after a year of therapy. I'm just ready for resolution that works for both of us, whatever the outcome


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> In a nutshell, not a pecan, but a peeking one, I get this.
> 
> You felt unloved for a year due to your wife's lack of affection and touch.
> 
> ...


I think you summed it up pretty good and I'm on the same train of thought

Kids are all out, youngest is 19 (she started very young). I was the add in step-dad, the youngest was 3 at the time. She's 43 now and I'm 38


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would politely bow out of this marriage.

She has the ship guns and the shore battery.

You only have your pride. 
Keep it above the gunwales .

You raised another man's children, gratis.
A good point.

Move out and file for divorce, and let the smoke and the dust settle. 

You will have gotten out alive from this marriage, though, you are wounded.
You shot yourself in the foot, at least twice.

Be kind and attentive to the children.

Humble is the word going forward.


_KB-_


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

how the hell did your wife find out you texted your ex wife only on one time?

are you really that naive or technically inept?

You were not cut out for cheating man. beg forgiveness, and throw your phone and computer away, and never pull this crap again


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Derrick83 said:


> Her sex drive has changed a lot. I bring up to her attention that I need more physical contact or compliments, affection of some sort. I got nothing in response.


Meh that doesn’t sound great and probably not going to improve after the latest incident.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Derrick83 said:


> One drunken night, I text my ex-wife.


What did you text to your ex, and what response did you get?


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> how the hell did your wife find out you texted your ex wife only on one time?
> 
> are you really that naive or technically inept?
> 
> You were not cut out for cheating man. beg forgiveness, and throw your phone and computer away, and never pull this crap again


Wasn't really trying to hide it. Not just one text, it was a text "session" I guess. I've done the begging, she has access to all my online, phone, and any other activity. I'm trying to bring the trust back, but it may be to far gone from previous exploit. I feel most of this is deserved as a type of payment for my wrong doings... I just don't know how much I deserve or can deal with.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Derrick83 said:


> I feel most of this is deserved as a type of payment for my wrong doings... I just don't know how much I deserve or can deal with.


That is your problem right there…if you view her pain from your cheating on her (at least twice) as some form of punishment then you are not remorseful and really don’t get it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Derrick83 said:


> Wasn't really trying to hide it. Not just one text, it was a text "session" I guess. I've done the begging, she has access to all my online, phone, and any other activity. I'm trying to bring the trust back, but it may be to far gone from previous exploit. I feel most of this is deserved as a type of payment for my wrong doings... I just don't know how much I deserve or can deal with.


why do you want to bring back the trust? It doesn’t sound like your marriage was at a great place, and you still need a lot of work on these behavior patterns before you try to even think about reconciling. Is that something that’s worth it to you? If so why?


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> why do you want to bring back the trust? It doesn’t sound like your marriage was at a great place, and you still need a lot of work on these behavior patterns before you try to even think about reconciling. Is that something that’s worth it to you? If so why?


The behavior patterns are being worked on, have been for about a year or so. No, I don't think we've been at a good place for a while either. I just figured I've caused enough problems in her life, that the least I could do is wait until she figures out if she wants to try and reconcile. I just thought trust is a good place to start for peace and maybe a little happiness with us. I have discovered a lot about myself and my own avoided feelings in the past year, and really do want us to work.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Derrick83 said:


> Oh no, the drunk thing is normally a group activity. She's a bartender and I'm an ex-sailor. A bit cliche, I know. We both enjoy our drinks on occassion.


If you are destructive when you drink, you may have to stop drinking or accept your destructive ways and the consequences of being destructive.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Derrick83 said:


> The behavior patterns are being worked on, have been for about a year or so. No, I don't think we've been at a good place for a while either. I just figured I've caused enough problems in her life, that the least I could do is wait until she figures out if she wants to try and reconcile. I just thought trust is a good place to start for peace and maybe a little happiness with us. I have discovered a lot about myself and my own avoided feelings in the past year, and really do want us to work.


Would you expect that she make changes on her part to reconcile? I’m not sure that you’d get something better than what you were unhappy with. But I get where you’re coming from, I think it’s a good sign that you’re willing to wait for her to make a decision. 

Are you living together still?


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> If you are destructive when you drink, you may have to stop drinking or accept your destructive ways and the consequences of being destructive.


Way more destructive when completely sober and way too deep in my minds own concoctions of reality. We had the drinking talk and neither of us think it really contributes except to shut down the frontal lobe and make us more verbose. If it is, was, or will be an issue there's no problem stopping. Like alcohol does, I act more on desires when drinking and that night was a prime example. It's definitely a path I would take to fix this though. We were never "drinkers" until the past 6 or 8 months or so.


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Would you expect that she make changes on her part to reconcile? I’m not sure that you’d get something better than what you were unhappy with. But I get where you’re coming from, I think it’s a good sign that you’re willing to wait for her to make a decision.
> 
> Are you living together still?


That's a good question. I would like to say no changes on her side because I was the unfaithful one. Although I felt justified at the time, I realize now that more assertive communication may have fixed the issue at the time. I'm just not sure that's the person she is. We started our relationship with me jumping on feet first 5 kids, 2 dogs, and a wife. That was our focus all the way up until a year and a half ago when the youngest moved out. I don't think we ever really knew each other as "adults" (for lack of better phrasing) just parents. We did a great job with the kids, just a really horrible job (mostly all on my part) of keeping us good... Hope that makes sense

I think I could deal with this feeling between us if I knew what her thoughts on reconciling were. I don't think she's ready to share that or maybe she's unsure.


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Thanks for all the comments and inputs. I'm going to spend the next few days weighing everything. I'm just not ready to give up yet. It may take a few more years off my life, but if there's even a small piece of her that wants to try and reconcile, I'll take it. I just need her happy in life, everything else extra.... thanks for the talks


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Derrick83 said:


> That's a good question. I would like to say no changes on her side because I was the unfaithful one. Although I felt justified at the time, I realize now that more assertive communication may have fixed the issue at the time. I'm just not sure that's the person she is. We started our relationship with me jumping on feet first 5 kids, 2 dogs, and a wife. That was our focus all the way up until a year and a half ago when the youngest moved out. I don't think we ever really knew each other as "adults" (for lack of better phrasing) just parents. We did a great job with the kids, just a really horrible job (mostly all on my part) of keeping us good... Hope that makes sense
> 
> I think I could deal with this feeling between us if I knew what her thoughts on reconciling were. I don't think she's ready to share that or maybe she's unsure.


That does make perfect sense. You seem to have good insight into yourself and your marriage. Perhaps your counseling (though intensive) was very effective for you. That’s a good thing. 

If I were you, I’d just let her know that you’re willing to wait without pressure or expectation, and that you’re willing to try MC if she would like to see if your marriage can be saved. I’m sure she will let you know one way or another when she feels safe enough to do so.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Derrick83 said:


> Me and the wife have been married 15 years. About 8 or 9 years ago I was unfaithful. No sex, but I don't think that matters. Cheating is cheating either way. Texting, pictures, phone calls. I was in the Navy and we had 5 kids at home. We had our fights, reconciled (so I thought) and moved on.
> . Present day- Now all the kids are out of the house, and doing good. Her sex drive has changed a lot. I bring up to her attention that I need more physical contact or compliments, affection of some sort. I got nothing in response. One drunken night, I text my ex-wife. She finds out, and here we are now a year later trying to decide if we can make it work... How long and hard do I try and suppress my own needs and desires for us as a couple before I give up? I've been pretty miserable for a year, which I feel is deserved, because I am truly trying to show remorse. I just don't know how long and hard to fight
> 
> Really vague, but I'll answer an extra information needed.


So divorce. Doesn't sound like it was a great marriage anyway. Sounds like this is all she is willing to give you and it's not enough. You keep doing things to hurt her trust, and it keeps doing damage, so it's not going to get better. 

You will both get over it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What did you text your ex wife? Have you ever been intimate with your ex wife since you married your current wife?


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> What did you text your ex wife? Have you ever been intimate with your ex wife since you married your current wife?


The "ex-wife texts" were kind of like the Watergate scandal. It was a few days long of texting.. flirty, dirty, clean. Stuff I shouldn't have been. No intimate contact, she was in,,, Bulgaria, or Ohio, somewhere not near me.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Derrick83 said:


> The "ex-wife texts" were kind of like the Watergate scandal. It was a few days long of texting.. flirty, dirty, clean. Stuff I shouldn't have been. No intimate contact, she was in,,, Bulgaria, or Ohio, somewhere not near me.


So you were drunk for a few days?

please divorce your wife. She deserves better. You say you have learned from your infidelity but you are gaslighting the forum. First it was a text, then a text session, now it’s several days of texts but hey it wasn’t physical. You are not remorseful.


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you were drunk for a few days?
> 
> please divorce your wife. She deserves better. You say you have learned from your infidelity but you are gaslighting the forum. First it was a text, then a text session, now it’s several days of texts but hey it wasn’t physical. You are not remorseful.


There's no gaslighting at all. I said the short version and am more than willing to provide more information if needed and that's why I respond to all the questions. I want all of the knowledge of the group to enhance my own limited ability. Gaslighting is the intentional misrepresentation of reality, not at all the case here. 2nd, I never said one text. I stated that "I text my ex wife". I apologize if that was interpreted as "I sent a single message".


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you were drunk for a few days?
> 
> please divorce your wife. She deserves better. You say you have learned from your infidelity but you are gaslighting the forum. First it was a text, then a text session, now it’s several days of texts but hey it wasn’t physical. You are not remorseful.


I completely agree that she deserves better. She knows I feel this way. She has every reason to let me know she is done if she is, but hasn't, and that is the only reason I can't walk away. I owe her WAY more than that


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Correct me if wrong, firstly, you’ve just been caught, again, and come here for advice on what your next steps are?

Second question, just two episodes of cheating? And if only two, any other minor occurrences of needing attention/compliments or physical proximity with other women? This could be as simple as being really friendly with other women, lots of female friends.

How are your male friends ships? Many close, long term male friends, or do you struggle in a group of men?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Let me see if I understand. 

You were in the Navy presumably gone a lot. She stayed faithful, no sex while you were gone. You had some sort of cyber affair. She found out but forgave you & you two carried on. Now you claim her sex drive has diminished. I submit it wasn't that high to begin with. Anyway, after complaining that she wasn't giving you enough attention you chose to carry on another cyber sex session with your EX-W. Now here you are wondering why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. 

Do you understand how much your actions have hurt her? What have you done to show remorse & beg for forgiveness? What have you done to court her again, to romance her, to get her in the emotional mood to want to physically have sex with you? Stop making this about you & start looking at it from her perspective. A woman's biggest sex organ is her BRAIN. Engage there with her & you should get what you want eventually. Although if after this second time her heart has just gone cold & she feels dead inside due to your two betrayals you might not be able to come back from that.


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## Everythingchanges (12 mo ago)

Derrick83 said:


> Thanks for all the comments and inputs. I'm going to spend the next few days weighing everything. I'm just not ready to give up yet. It may take a few more years off my life, but if there's even a small piece of her that wants to try and reconcile, I'll take it. I just need her happy in life, everything else extra.... thanks for the talks


That’s a great attitude. I met my wife when I was 18. I’m 54 now and we’ve been married for 21 years. It’s a lot of ups and downs, but I‘ve never seriously considered divorce as an option. After a while things change. Maybe not always for the better, but they change. You’re in one place in time right now. I wouldn’t make a decision about ending things. Just keep working on them, and keep learning about yourself and about her, and try to steer the ship back in the right direction.

My wife and I haven’t had sex in a year, and it’s been awful for me, seems like she’s unaffected. We’ll get through it or we won’t, but in my experience we get through stuff and get back on track in the long run. Three teenaged kids and lots going on, and I’ve brought some question marks to the relationship in the past that have caused rifts (no cheating), and I’m paying for those. But I’ll keep at it. Six months ago I didn’t even want to be intimate with her, but that’s changing now. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Good luck.


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## Derrick83 (12 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Correct me if wrong, firstly, you’ve just been caught, again, and come here for advice on what your next steps are?
> 
> Second question, just two episodes of cheating? And if only two, any other minor occurrences of needing attention/compliments or physical proximity with other women? This could be as simple as being really friendly with other women, lots of female friends.
> 
> How are your male friends ships? Many close, long term male friends, or do you struggle in a group of men?


Only one or two long term male friends. Group I generally congregate with is only 3 or 4. Mostly combat vets, married, kids. I've neglected that to focus on stuff here at the house the last 8 months or so. And no female friends besides the friends spouses. Me talking and hanging out with the opposite sex makes her uncomfortable, for understandable and obvious reasons, so I don't do it. 

I am fully responsible for the situation our marriage is in. I came on here just to see how others who have dealt with the fallout of infidelity



Everythingchanges said:


> That’s a great attitude. I met my wife when I was 18. I’m 54 now and we’ve been married for 21 years. It’s a lot of ups and downs, but I‘ve never seriously considered divorce as an option. After a while things change. Maybe not always for the better, but they change. You’re in one place in time right now. I wouldn’t make a decision about ending things. Just keep working on them, and keep learning about yourself and about her, and try to steer the ship back in the right direction.
> 
> My wife and I haven’t had sex in a year, and it’s been awful for me, seems like she’s unaffected. We’ll get through it or we won’t, but in my experience we get through stuff and get back on track in the long run. Three teenaged kids and lots going on, and I’ve brought some question marks to the relationship in the past that have caused rifts (no cheating), and I’m paying for those. But I’ll keep at it. Six months ago I didn’t even want to be intimate with her, but that’s changing now. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
> 
> Good luck.


Thank you for that.


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