# Depression and Anxiety a recent issue for me



## Sylvan (Aug 10, 2012)

I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in or even what to expect from doing so. I'm not sure of what to say exactly so I'll just start at the beginning. 

A little over a month ago my wife was having cell phone problems so she gives me her phone to figure out why her messaging was not working. In the process of figuring this out I hit the internet to check it. To my surprise and shock it went straight to a porn website. Not only the one but over 60 times in the previous week. Not only was it what I thought was a large amount of views in a short time. It was ALL while I was sitting in the next room with the kids. So of course this makes me feel Very insecure. 

(since this has happened I have read a lot about "alone time" and etc and now understand women have their needs just like men do. And yes I am quite a bit old fashioned in that regard.) 

Our sex life has gotten very slim in the last few years which I credited to the kids and work and etc.. So In my infinite wisdom, a buddy and I who knows about these things stopped by a store and picked up a toy. Me thinking she just wasn't happy with the performance anymore. So i figured I'd spice things up a bit. 

So I stop and get some roses, setup candles, put some of her favorite music on and asked her if she would come into the bedroom to see something. She of course is now surprised and wants to know whats going on. So I start the "Are you unhappy with me in the bedroom" talk. This talk turns into "I have thought about leaving you for the last 4 yrs." Imagine my shock and surprise at this time! I love my wife dearly. I'm 38 and the only nightmares I have anymore is of her leaving/cheating on me. Our marriage has never been perfect but we never fought, yelled or seriously argued. She didn't seem to want to talk about it but I did manage to get her to say some things.

What she did tell me: 4 years ago we moved to a small town for a great job for me. She even got to be the stay at home mom she has always wanted to be. We have 3 children. Anyway turns out she hated being there. I was working 60-70 hrs a week and was rarely home and worked nights on the weekends. She began to resent me for her being "stuck" there an hour and a half away from all her friends and family. So this resentment has been building for the last 4 yrs between both of us. In the last couple of years it has turned into nasty constant bickering between the 2 of us. 

(in hindsight I now realize that we have never had healthy communication with each other. I was raised where men did not express emotion except on rare occasions and it was the wife's job to bring up problems. She was raised in a very strict Baptist house, her father was deacon of the church, and the wife had her place in the household. The man ruled the roust and women kept quiet. So neither of us were prepared very well.) 

She also said she feels I act more like her father than her husband. Mainly because all she wanted to do was sit in front of the TV and ignore the whole family or retreat to the bedroom and not come out. So I would always have to "order" her just to get her to help around the house or even pay attention to the kids. 

(I now also know that I should have seen that and the Xanax prescription were signs of depression. But she told me the Xan's were for work stress. She works in a very busy Dr's office as a nurse. So I didn't think twice about it.)

I vowed to never be that way again and instantly began treating her like we were newlyweds. So for the last month I have been telling her I love her at least 2-3 times a day, massage her feet and all the other "good husband" things I should be doing. I am trying to open lines of communication but she hesitates to even talk about anything unless I really push it. Only thing is she doesn't seem to appreciate any of it. I am getting nothing back in return. I am in between jobs atm and that doesn't help things much. But I do all the cooking and cleaning and take care of the children. I just ask her help with laundry.

Seems like nothing is ever good enough. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time and it is causing me to suffer severe anxiety then drop to a deep depression in just a few hrs and it can happen 2-3 times a day. It has totally wrecked my sleep. I am diabetic and have 3 month check ups. So last weds when I went in to the Doc I told him everything that was going on. So he gave me something for the anxiety and to help sleep. It helps a little but I cant be taking meds every day to help with the major panic attacks. 

During our initial conversation she mentioned counseling. I am all for it. I am willing to do whatever it takes. But I am just afraid we'll get there and she'll decide that a divorce is her best option. We have our first session the 22nd which just happens to be the day after our 13th anniversary. She just told me this on Tuesday night. So more anxiety cycles thinking about the counseling too. I have spent close to half of my life with her and cannot fathom life without her. 

I have read a lot of Very helpful things in these forums the last few weeks and I am sorry it's such a long post but I had to get it all out to someone who may know what I am going through.


Sincerely,

Dazed, Confused and So Very Lost Stupid Man.


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

Sylvan, I wish I had all the answers to your issues, but if we all had the answers, none of us would be here on this site, right? I will tell you this: My life has changed dramatically in the last 60 days. I am 1 month in to a separation ( and need to update my thread ). My life is completely upside down. What I will tell you is 1) I don’t know of any strong relationship that doesn’t seriously argue about something if married for any length of time. this typically is a sign of ambivalence. 2) (and this is a new revelation for me) women will be frustrated with us for long periods of time for things that they either let us know in terribly indirect and ineffective ways, or they will hold those little fires inside until they just melt in to misery. We as men do not pick up on the clues, or niss the signs that sometimes are slapping us in the face. 

From what you have posted, you have very similar traits to me. You do something nice to get something back, not just because you love her. The thing with the candles and roses and whatnot is a perfect example. That ended up as an attempt to soften her up in order to bring up a touchy and delicate subject, even though you felt as if you were doing it for her.

“So for the last month I have been telling her I love her at least 2-3 times a day, massage her feet and all the other "good husband" things I should be doing. I am trying to open lines of communication but she hesitates to even talk about anything unless I really push it. Only thing is she doesn't seem to appreciate any of it. I am getting nothing back in return.”

THIS IS ME ! ! ! I am learning, now that it is nearly too late, you have to do these things because you want to. You cannot keep score, you cannot expect it in return, ESPECIALLY when things have been strained for so long. She doesn’t trust the true intent, and as long as you expect some level of response in return, she never will. I have been doing just that for years. You don’t see it, but she sees your frustration when you don’t get the response you want, and it pushes her even further away. I am not trying to say that she is without fault, but maybe give you a different viewpoint before it is too late. 

I am not an avid reader, but I have read two books since I have been separated. These two books slapped me in the face, and told me that the issues we had been having for years was not just due to her depression and troubled past. It broke my heart to realize that all the things I was patting myself on the back for, was crap. I will give you the titles, they may or may not fit you, only you can decide. What I can tell you is that I see a lot of me in your post.

-	No More Mr. Nice Guy – this one you will know if it applies to you within Chap 1. This one woke me up like a cold shower in the morning.
-	Getting the Love You Want – A Guide for Couples – this will also give you exercises you can work on together to learn how to have a stronger relationship.

Again, I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I am in misery, because all the things my wife has been telling me over the nearly 20 years I have been married were not heard until I read these books. I am so pissed at myself. If I had of addressed ½ the stuff I am responsible for years ago, we would have had a much better, stronger and loving relationship. 

I wish you the best. Don’t give up, but do get help. I have also learned that years and years of the same behavior will not change overnight, and it is much easier with solid support. That support, at this point, is usually from someone other than your spouse. Find a counselor for individual therapy, and/or find a good support group to join.

Best of luck to you and your family.


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## Sylvan (Aug 10, 2012)

Thank you for the response Solitary.

Actually things have taken quite a turn since I wrote that post but I do want to clear one thing up. The statement I made about expecting things from her from all that I had been doing was supposed to be more of a "at least acknowledge I am trying" more than "I want physical results."

BUT since the original post we have talked some more and she even asked if we could get her rings resized so she could wear then again.  We have also planned a weekend together starting tomorrow actually. A friend of mine lives in the artsy district here in KC and is loaning us his apt for the weekend while he stays here and watches our kids. So we actually have 2 days together with no children! 

She floored me Weds when we took her rings to the jewelry store. While we were filling out paperwork she was looking at the wedding sets. She gently tugs my sleeve and says " You know I was thinking we should get a new matching 3 piece set for our 15th or 20th anniversary." I was so happy I just about did the happy dance right in the middle of Kay's. (the 21st is our 13th anniversary)

So it seems all my efforts have paid off and I was just too impatient to wait for the results. So hopefully now the MC will be more beneficial to both of us since we are getting along much better.


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## Sylvan (Aug 10, 2012)

Update:

So we had our first MC session yesterday. I personally told him the absolute truth about everything. Even told him things/feelings about myself that I had never let my wife know about. What I have found out about myself since I started this post is I have had depression for years and really never acknowledged it. 

The W had a hard time opening up to the MC just the same as she wouldn't open up to me. But what we did get out of her was it not only my actions in the past few years but it was her "Marriage Dream" that has not come true. She had the idea that she would be the "full time stay at home mom type" and never have to do any outside work. Just like her mother did. We had the talk about how it would be rough but we'd make it through 6 months b4 we got married and she knew she'd have to work. ( My wife's father was 62 when her and her twin sister were born. He was already retired and making good pension.) 

( I lost a 100k+ a yr job in 2001 and fell into a beer bottle for about 5 yrs. I guess I was a horrible person during that time. In 06 I dried up pretty well but did not stop. In 08 I stopped drinking all but on rare occasions for social events. I can get a 6 pack and have it in the fridge for a month. I also take care of all the kids needs and cook/clean everyday. So I have changed a lot in the last 4 years.) 

I do know now that in 01 when I hit the bottle I was spiraling into severe depression. To the point I wouldn't even answer the door if someone knocked or even the phone unless it was wife or child related. This made it very hard just to Think about trying to find work for those 5 years. I would get major panic attacks just thinking about leaving the house.

I have been unemp the last 2 yrs again (I do not have any formal college education.) and beating myself up constantly for not working to support my family. The last thing I want is for my wife to be the only income. Any guy reading this who has been through it knows what I mean. You feel like crap all the time and just makes the depression worse. This time though I have tried everything to get work and cant seem to catch a break. 

(I did get a job this week delivering flowers. Its not much but its cash in pocket.) 

So you can see how this would lead to my wife being very resentful that her so called "life partner" was only a burden and not a partner at all. She was working full time just to scrape by and some alcoholic was drinking away any money she had left over. 

So yes I admit to 98.9% of all our problems from the past. So now here's the issue she is facing. She told the MC that the last 6 weeks have been very good. ( and yes in the last 6 weeks I have put forth a HUGE effort to be that person she needs. To the point I don't have to try anymore. I am getting back to being the guy she fell in love with again.) 

But her main issue is finances still. She's afraid she'll always be the main bread winner and I'll still just be the guy trying to hold a job for more than a yr at a time and unemp for 1-2 yrs after b4 another job comes through. I don't blame her one bit. 

What I do blame her for though is I supported her through college. I on the other hand lost my GI bill and other grants that I had because it was always more important for me to work or be a stay at home dad to deal with the kids. So the catch 22. How can I support her and the kids alone when she keeps shooting me down every time I try to get a better education?

And yes I know there's a lot of online courses and etc that are out there. My original field is in IT. You cant take those classes online with the GI bill sadly. ( At least you couldn't when I was trying) So now I am looking into school again and it seems anything I would like to do is 4-5 year courses 9-5 mon - fri. Yes I could try and do that and have a part time evening job. Wife CANNOT cook. Poor kids would starve.  I also have a special needs child that receives SSI. If I make any money at all ( over $50 a week) we lose $700 a month. So farther in the hole than me not working at all. 

She did admit that as long as I could hold a job and Share the financial responsibility she would not have such a hard time letting her "marriage dream" wait. Catch 22. When I do work I work too much and get blamed for never being around to help...

So as I sit and type I realize it makes me sound like a horrible person and why would she ever have stayed this long...

But NOW it's an entirely different game. I have started over. I WILL be that man she deserves. Question is how to proceed down that road from here. College is the only way. But how? when? Me staying unemp will just keep her more miserable and things cannot heal. I feel like I am stuck living with a book of Murphy's Laws guiding my life and can't see how to get away from it. ( I wonder. Is that statement from depression or am I just beating myself up and blaming the world for my problems. hmm more research to do I see.) 

She did tell the MC that life had been MUCH better the last few weeks and she see's the man she married again. But, she is unsure of how she can/will let go of the past and try for a future. She doesn't believe that I will stay this way and things will go back to how they were. I know it takes a lot of time for people to get over things specially when they feel they have been treated badly for so long.

The MC said our current problems were superficial and we just had to learn to communicate more to get through this rough patch and said he has no concerns that we will not make it through. But that's what he's paid to do right? He said ours was a simple fix of retraining our minds on how to treat each other. Her being more supportive and me being less of a "fact based personality". I do get pretty anal when selective memory comes into play. (I know what I know and you can't tell me it was any different.) So yes I need to drop that behavior. I get very defensive when told I am incapable of doing something ( I will do it just to spite you) or blamed for something I did not do. (childhood crap never dealt with I suppose.)

My main issue with all this is, one day life is great and she's willing to do whatever we need and the next she's not sure if it's worth it. SO confused.. She makes comments about what we should do for or 15th-20th anniversaries, what to do to the house when the kids start moving out and how nice it's been with me lately to turn around and tell the MC she's not sure if she can look passed the past and get to the here and now...

So here I sit again writing a book about myself to total strangers and wasting all your time with my rantings and ravings. But man does it feel good to get this all out.


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## shashi (Aug 27, 2012)

Identify the Signs of Depression, so this kind of syndrome can be gettable before it becomes Major Depressive Disorder. So never avoid Symptoms of Depression and stay mentally sound.


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## Sylvan (Aug 10, 2012)

Here I am again. 

Sat down with the wife the same night I wrote the last post. We agreed that college IS the only way. So after many hours of trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life we came to a decision. 

Friday I went and enrolled in school for Medical Assistant. Yeah kinda strange for a guy but there's a method here. 8mo's in MA school then 5 weeks in advanced Phlebotomy. That should get me into the same hospital the wife works at and they do on site training. Once there I will have to decide on Radiology (which is what I really wanted to do but right now 5yrs and 120k is not feasible.) or go into Lab technician which would be fine as well. 

One thing I realized yesterday that even though for the last few weeks I have been busting my hump to correct my past mistake's I forgot the most important thing... I never flat out apologized to her for all the bad things over the years. ( yes I am kinda slow...) 

So this morning I sent a dozen roses and a card with a 1 page letter on how truly sorry I was for all the things I had put her through. She called crying saying she accepted and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever done. So feeling really good today. :smthumbup:

Weds I go back to finish enrollment and then start in a couple of weeks. So right now life is looking fantastic!


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