# When is enough, enough?



## Taylor

I have dealt with my husbands alcohol and drug addiction for years and years. He's been to treatment, and is much better than he used to be from before we were married. None the less, it's been a constant battle trying to hide checks so he doesn't make our account negative for those things and I can pay the bills. He steals my money to pay for the pills and alcohol. He was not working because he was going to school. It's been such chaos for so long. We went to drug and alcohol marriage counselors. He knew it was wrong, wanted to change, but then never ever did. It's always just words with him.

Well, this carried on for some time, and I found out I was pregnant four months ago. I thought he would straighten himself out for sure now. I was wrong. It continued. By Christmas weekend I had had enough. He spent the weekend wasted and it was my last straw. He was done with school by this point, so I left him at his Mom's house and said if he did not change, I could not be with him. I needed to finally put my foot down and stop being a push over. 

I know he had become accustomed to me giving him chance after chance, so when I did this, I truly thought it would be his eye opener. I thought he'd seek help for his addiction and try to straighten things out for our marriage and family. Wrong again.

It's going on three weeks now, and he has been drunk or high almost every day/night, despite my pleas and explanation that he needed to be sober for us to work things out. Then I heard he was going out getting wasted without his wedding ring as well. This is a new side of him that I was not prepared for. He spent New Years Eve at a party with some girl he met a few days after I left him at his Mom's. She had no idea he was married and expecting a baby. The thought of this whole scenerio just tears me apart. How could he be "making new friends" with his marriage on the line? How could he be out partying at all with his marriage on the line? Don't I mean anything? Doesn't this baby mean anything? 

I have continuously said to him for the past three weeks, if you don't start putting your marriage and family first, I won't keep waiting around.....but drugs and alcohol keep coming first to him. (But he does SAY he loves me and wants things to work.... you know, in between pretending to be single, getting wasted, and getting high) 

I keep saying, "Actions speak louder than words." His actions sure are speaking loud and clear. When is enough, enough? I had set up a session with our counselor last week in the afternoon. However, he did not show up because he was drunk at his friends house. 

When do you know someone really won't ever change? Am I just holding onto hope that is clearly not there? 
I'm having this baby in June. The stress I have been under is making me sick. Any advice, thoughts, or input would be greatly appreciated!!


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## trey69

My first wife was a drug addict. To answer your question about when is enough enough, check out my signature. I believe it and stand by it. 

You can not change him or fix him which I'm sure you are well aware of now. HE will have to do it. However, you can't make him. I know its hard to stand back and watch the person you love and care about destroy themselves. All you can do is take care of you. IMO, NO love doesn't conquer all either. You can love someone enough to actually let them go. I'm not suggesting you do this, because only you will know when you have reached your breaking point, but sometimes you have to take a step back and ask your self the question, "Is this what I want for myself and kids? Is this how I want the rest of my life to be? 

You will need to stop expecting things from him that he simply can NOT give you right now. He may not ever be able to, who knows. Do not keep beating your head against the wall trying to make sense of it all, and why he will or will not stop this or that. You will become, and obviously already are, burnt out and frustrated. 

My suggestion to you right now is, get the book (which seems to be popular around here) Co dependent No More. Its geared towards those who are involved with someone on drugs or alcohol, however its actually for anyone. NO it will not tell you how to change or fix your loved one, but it tell you how to fix yourself and some things to do and try. You will have to take a step back from him. Its gonna hurt and not gonna be easy. 

I also suggest counseling for you. Not him, thats up to him, this is for you. Get yourself involved in your local Al-Anon meetings, there should be some in your area. Not sure how old your kids are but they can benefit from Alateen as well. If his behavior from his drinking etc, is destructive you might need to remove your self for awhile from the home. Also remember kids learn what they see in their environment.


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## Taylor

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. No this is not the life I want or will ever want for my soon to be child. I just want him to change so much it hurts. I feel like each passing day he is ruining any chance of us working things out by the choices he continues to make. Again, it's just me asking the pointless question, why doesn't he care enough to stop? It's so simple for him to stay in our lives, but it's like it's not worth it to him. I've kicked him out, with our first baby on the way....How much more of a step back can I take? How was that not the eye opener? How can he sit and get drunk with his friends, when I am here just wanting him to stay sober and talk to me. I know I can only control me, and I can't make him change...but I don't understand why he doesn't choose me and our baby over alcohol...especially since he has basically lost us already.


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## Shelda

Addiction is a disease and if he does not see it that way it will continue to get worse.Be Thankful that you are seeing The Light Now before you waste any more of your life on him.Mine was an addict as well he did quit for awhile but now openly does it and knows his children know that he also is an addict and does not care.This has made the kids realize they never want to drink or do drugs.Now lets see how I feel..worthless.


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## trey69

He has a diseased mind, its called alcohol and drugs. Their brains do not think like those who do not have a mind like theirs. I bet deep down he does want to be with you he does want to stop etc. I know it doesn't seem like it now, BUT who knows if he will ever come to the realization that he is losing you. Sometimes it takes people to hit rock bottom and lose everything before they wake up. Sometimes that never happens. BUT YOU will have to make that choice as far as how much longer you will wait and hope he will wake up and see the light. I know it hurts and I know its not fair etc, but you have no control over any of it. Google the effects of alcohol and drugs. Look up things regarding how it effects familes etc. Maybe it can help shed some light on how they see things VS how you might see things.


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## major misfit

You just posted my story. My husband started abusing drugs 12 years (and 3 kids later) into our marriage. We did the back and forth thing...me booting him out, him promising to change, me believing him and letting him come back just to relapse time and time again, me booting him out some more. It was chaos. It tore my kids and my life up. I am begging you to trust me when I tell you this will destroy your child if you allow it to live in this environment, with this crap going on. Please trust me on that one. I will forever live with the guilt associated with asking my kids (by letting them live it with me) to put up with this. 
I ended up pregnant, and had our last (number 4) child at 42. It was our LAST CHANCE. I told him so. I don't blame him for not believing me, since I'd given him so many chances before. He probably thought I never had that final straw. He was clean for awhile...4 months. Then it started up again. I booted him for GOOD, and I never regretted my decision to do so.
The man lost his family, his home, everything. He was homeless and sleeping in his van. He was arrested for first degree murder. Gave an alcoholic a shot that ended up killing him. Now..this guy ASKED for the shot, WANTED the shot..but in this state, if you give someone something that kills them, even if they wanted it, you go to jail. So in the end, he lost his freedom as well. You'd think THAT would be enough, right? Nope. He managed to get his charges lowered, to the point where he could bond out. He'd been in jail for 3 months. By that time, the drugs were out of his system. What does he do? The FIRST THING HE DID when he got out was to return to drugs. Thing is...he'd already put his body through so much, and when he started back up again...his body couldn't take it. He ended up dying from an accidental drug overdose. Drugs took EVERYTHING from him, literally. 
What you aren't realizing at this point (neither did I, until later) is that drugs (and/or alcohol) are their first love. Loving you and your child doesn't have anything to do with it at this point. Drugs ARE his love. 
Your only hope is that by separating, and STAYING gone...maybe he will be shaken up enough to get help for himself. You can't do this for him, you really can't. And it's possible that even by leaving that won't be enough. It's possible that even when you have the baby, that won't be enough. He's an addict, plain and simple. And HE has to be sick of himself and his lifestyle enough to seek the help for himself. Until he's doing so, you're stuck where you're at. Go forward with your life. Plan to live your life without him, as he might never get clean and sober. Only you can tell when enough is enough, just know that for HIM...enough may never come.


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## Taylor

Thanks guys. I appreciate all the input. I've read some of that book, co dependent no more and been to a few al anon meetings. I struggle to look at it from such a logical stand point when I am so emotionally involved. However, if someone else were to be upset with him about his drug use, I have always been quick to jump to his defense with the same things you are telling me about it being a disease, something he needs help with, etc. It's just so hard to be rational now when I am honestly contemplating divorce, and he just gets messed up. I never imagined this pregnancy going this way. I'm beginning to rethink kicking him out. I think I probably gave him exactly what his addiction wanted. The total freedom to be out every night with friends who get wasted and high, with no wife to answer to. Now I am beginning to feel like I made the wrong choice.  It's been over a month and things have just gotten worse, minus the money stealing. That's been amazing this past month not worrying about that at all.


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## trey69

Because I have been through this before, and I know its hard to hear, but it WILL NOT get better on its own. So basically you either continue to hold on in hopes he wakes up and changes and gets help, or you move forward with your life without him. I do not think you made a wrong choice by kicking him out. And if by chance you feel its feeding his addiction even more that you did, that is on him not you. Chances are, he is gonna do drugs or drink etc even if he is there with you or not until he decides he wants help.


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## Big Bear

I spent many years in your husbands shoes and though I've never met him I can promise you we had the following things prioritized in order of importance:
1. Getting loaded
2. Everything else
Alcoholism is a selfish condition plain and simple, and I'm not telling you anything you don't already know but it's also immune from logic, emotion, common sense, you name it. It's just this massive impervious blob that keeps getting bigger and bigger. Remember, that's the male role model in your kids life now and as any spouse of a practicing alchoholic will tell you, second place is probably the best you can hope for. I know that sounds harsh, but that's a little bit intentional. When I was at my low point, when it was really really dark, the most helpful people were not gentle at all but they were honest. They said getting sober meant going to hell and I believed them, and they were right. But they also said I would come back safely and be a better person for it. I believed them, and they were right again. You can get to the other side of this, but you can't do it for two. That's just how it is. It's easy to see how sick the drunk is because it's obvious, but what's overlooked is the fact that us drunks need the (wife, girlfriend, brother, uncle, whatever) to get away with all of our BS. We make you feel like "your the only one that gets me", when really you're the only one left that can tolerate us. Obviously I don't mean you specifically, I mean you the codependant. And by the way, that word is not nearly as bad as it sounds, just scary at first but it grows on you. Good luck in your difficult times, it's a long road so make the best of it.


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