# Great Day ruined...long post but need to vent



## Barefoot (Jul 27, 2011)

Needed to vent, so I found this forum and I'm going to vent.

Wife and I have been married 20+ years, 4 kids (between ages 12-15). For the most part, marriage is good, though, throughout those years, and every year, it is up and down, though mostly up.

Three weeks ago a mutual friend invites us (the entire family) to a barbecue party at his house....great backyard, in-ground pool, and, his band is performing (just a for fun band). I'm a guitar player singer-songwriter as well, and he indicated that I should bring my guitar.

Anyway, days before the party (this past Sunday), my wife volunteered to bring a couple of great dishes, and we were all enthused about going. 

The night before, she wanted to make something additionally, but didn't have the ingredients. I woke up early the next morning (day of party), about 5:45...made her coffee (still asleep as were the kids), went to the store by 7 am to get her additional ingredients she needed, got her and the kids fresh bagels (all before she got up), then I went for a nice hour+ long run at 7:25 am. However, in my haste to get out the door and back, I forgot to leave a note, but did have my cell phone (as I always do and she knows this), I forgot to leave a note.

I returned about an hour later with her pissed off about no note. I apologized several times, without getting irritated. Turns out, its a jealously thing - she says she's tethered to the house (she's a stay at home mom - but with part-time school year job) and that its not fair. Mind you - she was the only one up by the time I came home - but my kids are exactly toddlers anymore. So, she gets more irritated (as do I) and says she really doesn't want to go to the party - she says that I should go - but I'm so pissed, I say forget it, then go upstairs to shower after my run. Coldness prevails the rest of the day.

She has done similar things before, sometimes similar situation different facts/scenario, and sometimes other reasons for being mad at me e.g. - I used to be in a small band that performed once every 6 months (was only in it for 2 years - this is going back about 4 years ago), but because the weeek before a gig I spent 3 nights during the week working to perfect songs, she claimed it wasn't fair for me to rely on her to be home with kids when I practiced during such weeks (again - only once every 6 months). It was causing so much aggravation that I quit the band - right after she refused to come to a great gig that all my friends (and some of hers) were attending.

I work at a very good (but stressful) job making a great income, and I'm home and attend family functions/school events 98% of the time. I'm emotionally there for any and everyone.

I don't get it. This crap just makes me feel that as soon as the youngest is in college - I'm out. I don't want to feel that way, and we were recently having a great marriage relationship since April.

While she did apologize - though very sort of matter-of-factly, it doesn't make me feel any better.

Sorry - its off my chess. Thanks.


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

women...


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Don't be pissed listen to her. Step back from the situation and try to understand her position. Ask her what you could due to help her not feel tethered to the house. Take her out to dinner....just her and you. You'll win in the long run :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She is frustrated with her life. Take her out and treat her like a sexy woman


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

My ex use to go out without talking with me first, always leaving me stuck with the kids. It isn't a jealously thing. It is a fairness thing.

If you don't heed her words, get ready for a walk away wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Barefoot said:


> I woke up early the next morning (day of party), about 5:45...made her coffee (still asleep as were the kids), went to the store by 7 am to get her additional ingredients she needed, got her and the kids fresh bagels (all before she got up), then I went for a nice hour+ long run at 7:25 am. However, in my haste to get out the door and back, I forgot to leave a note, but did have my cell phone (as I always do and she knows this), I forgot to leave a note.
> 
> I returned about an hour later with her pissed off about no note. I apologized several times, without getting irritated.


You had nothing to apologize for!

You had your phone with you, she could have called you if she stopped eating that fresh bagel you got her in the morning or stopped sipping the coffee you brewed.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.

She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I understand about the being tethered to the house thing, my wife was the one that was always escaping, and eventually I just stopped trusting that she'd be there if I wasn't on top of it. It was stifling, and then when she did decide to let me have some space to get out on my own it was usually short notice plus I had a hard time letting go. I felt like I was always holding the bag, the more responsible one - maybe its party true but even now we have a working coparenting schedule I still feel anxious about making sure my child is actually under someone's supervision. I'm by no means a helicopter parent but I just need to make sure that it is clear who is being in charge at all given moments.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

ClipClop said:


> He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.
> 
> She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She could have gotten up and went shopping and then off running and left him with the kids, instead of what transpired. I don't buy it as being a huge thing.

If this was a one-time, non-routine thing to do, mind you, before everyone else was up and after having provided breakfast AND the ingredients for other things, I can see it being a very minor thing to have not done, no note or call.

But if she was concerned with his welfare, or had some pressing thing do do, she could have called him.

Tethered at home with teenagers? Not even a big deal--leave the 15-year-old in charge and go do something.

and if it was a routine, ducking out all the time thing, then fair division of free time should discussed.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.
> 
> She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For an hour at 7:25 in the morning after doing work for the house. This is what women get pissed out. I think I might understand gay men a little bit more. Thank God I never had to deal with petty stuff like this. I would have lost my mind.


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## Barefoot (Jul 27, 2011)

On most weekends, I usually take one day and do a long run, typically later anytime between 10 am and 2 pm, but since we were going to leave at 1 pm, I thought I'd take the run at 7:30ish before anyone was up. 

What it came down to during the argument is that she is jealous of how I schedule my day - typically I leave the house at 7:20, and get to work by 8am, then go to the gym/run at about 10:30, and back in the office by 11:45 having my lunch at my desk and catching a 6:20 train to be home by 7. Half the time I make dinner. I never complain if she wants time for herself etc (nothing to complain about), but in the present situation I just couldn't understand why she got so pissed off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

If she's jealous of how you schedule your day I wonder what her ideal is. Or is it simply that she wants control over you.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.
> 
> She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know about you, but if I were to call my sleeping wife at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, waking her up to say, "Hey...I'm ok. I'm out for a run, but forgot to leave a note. Just wanted to let you know. Go on back to sleep." I'd be getting home to as nasty a reception as the OP got for not leaving a note. Seems like he's damned I he does and damned if he doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Remember this likely is a lot more about feelings and perception than it is about reality. It's not really about leaving notes and rehearsing songs, etc.

Your wife is frustrated or becoming tired of home life and her actions are a reflection of that.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.
> 
> She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her youngest kid is 12. She can leave them alone for a little while -she is not tethered to the house like she might have been 5 years ago.

SHe had no right getting all pissy for the entire day.

He didn't mention it . . . but I wondered if it occured to her to thank him for doing the shopping, getting, breakfast, making coffee. . .


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

...and sometimes women are just *****y. For no reason. Like how men are sometimes grumpy for no reason.... 

BUT....she didn't ruin the whole day. You still have choices. If someone is being a pain in the neck, you don't HAVE to let that ruin your day. You could have packed up the kids, and your guitar and went along. You could invite her to join you later if she wants...and let it go at that. Then it would be HER posting about how you ruined her day.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It sounds to me she envies the lifestyle you have created for yourself and the passions you have. I could understand her pov more if your children were younger. Perhaps this has been brewing a long time and now she's committed to feeling this way when you do things for yourself.

Does she have any passions in her life, like you have with your guitar and running? I wonder if she needs some gentle encouragement to find interests that are just for her, in her own time, and whereby you take care of the house-hold while she's pursuing them. 

Her reaction to Sunday morning wasn't reasonable - which I think is why it's not about the note. And I do agree with a previous poster who wrote she failed to appreciate you'd gone to the store early and picked up breakfast. You sound organized and thoughtful but still have your own sense of identity. Your interests (running and music) also do not involve her. They are of a solitary nature. While I'm not suggesting you give these up, how about helping her discover some interests of her own or find something you can enjoy together? 

I think you both could have still enjoyed the party. In those moments, try to take the 'higher ground' by staying calm, getting ready and saying something like "well, I think we've both been looking forward to this, it'd be a shame to miss a night out together, I really hope you change your mind and still come with me." And if she doesn't, write a song on guitar called, "I got the great-day-ruined blues"


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

No more Mr nice guy, now!


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## sunnez (May 9, 2011)

Does she do anything for herself ??? You run which is great... maybe she is feeling ignored ??? It may be time for the two of you to sit down and talk...
PS... Getting up early, getting the ingredients she needed and breakfast was very nice, not a lot of husbands would do that... :smthumbup:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.
> 
> She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The kids are 12-15, not exactly tethered to the house. Nothing to fight over, she was out of line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This scenario is a result of your overall onging actions. The specifics of the day are not really meaningful, because it is a result of how you act over time. So to stop these episodes, you have to change how you operate daily. 

Your wife has given you some very good and important information that can make you a better husband, and when you address these things she will be a better wife and these scenarios will either go away or you will address them at that point.

First, your wife is not JEALOUS. That is a very unproductive term to assign to this. The problem is you are absent, and focused on your own agendas of work and running. Wives need to feel connected to their husbands. Wives need to feel that their husbands are emotionally connected to their families. Wives need to feel that they are not continuously set behind their husband's personal agendas of work and exercise. This is not jealousy. This is about you providing a basic emotional need to your wife. Wives don't emotionally connect with their husband's great income. They emotiionally connect with a man who is present, involved, and puts his family first. It is virtually impossible to connect with your wife when she is a SAHM and you are out working and running until 7:00 every night.


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## Barefoot (Jul 27, 2011)

Thanks for all the responses. 

Yes, I could have and should have taken the higher ground and gone to the partyand expressed that it would be great if she reconsidered, and have in the past taken the high ground in similar situations (yes - this is not the first time but the first time in a few years). 

But one of my thoughts at the time was how I thought we had led this bull$!%# behind us and it was just so unfair that she did this. I know I'm not perfect, but it just felt so unfair to punish me for what, in my opinion, was a minor thing. I never go somewhere when I'm home without letting her know where I'm going. 

Yes - she has interests of her own - and has friends she shares such interests with. I would gladly share in such interests but she is very competitive and if I'm good at it or she I having problems with it, she gets nasty/grumpy. So, I steer clear and let her enjoy her thing wither friends. I often suggest we go out as a couple or with friends on a Friday night, but most of the time she doesnt want to to or we have to drop/pickup kids. Every once in a while, the stars alighn and we get to go out and we have a blast. I just wish it happened more often. 

this will be (and pretty much is at this point) resolved - I'm just having a hard time letting this one go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Barefoot (Jul 27, 2011)

Hicks said:


> This scenario is a result of your overall onging actions. The specifics of the day are not really meaningful, because it is a result of how you act over time. So to stop these episodes, you have to change how you operate daily.
> 
> Your wife has given you some very good and important information that can make you a better husband, and when you address these things she will be a better wife and these scenarios will either go away or you will address them at that point.
> 
> First, your wife is not JEALOUS. That is a very unproductive term to assign to this. The problem is you are absent, and focused on your own agendas of work and running. Wives need to feel connected to their husbands. Wives need to feel that their husbands are emotionally connected to their families. Wives need to feel that they are not continuously set behind their husband's personal agendas of work and exercise. This is not jealousy. This is about you providing a basic emotional need to your wife. Wives don't emotionally connect with their husband's great income. They emotiionally connect with a man who is present, involved, and puts his family first. It is virtually impossible to connect with your wife when she is a SAHM and you are out working and running until 7:00 every night.


Hicks - I understand that, yet "jealous" was what she indicated she was - maybe she wasn't, but she agreed that was she was.

I totally understand the need to be emotionally connected - that is why during the summer - I wake her up every morning to have a cup of coffee with me before I have to leave for work (30 min before I have to leave) - mind you, if she wished to sleep - her wish is my command and it would be. But, she likes to see me in the morning and I like to see her as well.

Regarding coming home at 7 pm - white collar job in the heard of NYC - getting home by that time is actually pretty respectable - many in my profession get home after 9 pm. I attend all kid functions, except if I'm away on business - which isnt very often (and usually only during the summer time for short periods of time).

All that being said - you mades some noteworthy points which I will definitely heed. Thanks for the input and I hope it leads to elimination of these types of episodes in the future.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I totally agree with Hick's post. Rather than your wife just being 'jealous' I would say she could also be resentful. Perhaps she resents the freedom you seem to have to go out and about without any worries about her, the kids, or the house - all the things she likely has to worry about on a continual basis. As a mother, I can relate to that perspective. I think women do feel a much greater sense of responsibility toward their children (doesn't matter their age) and would often have a harder time just going out on a lark.

You do need to get a handle on this with her so that this resentment doesn't fester on both of your sides. The fact you admit you can't let it go seems to suggest that you have some lingering resentment about it.

As well, this type of confrontation scenario sounds like what they refer to as 'fitness tests' from your wife. Underneath them there can be the real nugget of what is going on (e.g., the jealousy that develops into resentment), but you need to be able to learn how to handle these appropriately - usually firmly and with humor, so you two can move forward TOGETHER. You can search the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum or google this to try and learn the right kind of communication techniques when these confrontations take place.

Best wishes.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not impossible to deal with coming home at 7:00 every night. But some things to keep in mind. Your wife does not care that there are others that get home later than you, so don't mentally "credit" yourself for this. She cares about you in relation to her only. If you "must" come home at 7:00 nightly, then you have to compensate for that. So you don't have room for "mistakes" on the weekends. By thinking about this concept, and how important it is, you will be less likely to be inconsiderate as you were. In other words, after all week of being responsible for the kids, she does not want to be responsible for them on the weekends. She cares about that and not bagels, coffee and all the other nice things you did. So in her way of thinking (which should become yoru way of thinking) it is outrageous that you think she should be happy that you are buying bagels when she cares about not being left with the kids. Don't credit yourself for a bunch of acts that are not core to what she desires from you. 

This line of thinking is what helps you to answer the nastiness of your wife properly. The answer you give her is "Wife, I made a mistake. I was inconsiderate and I apologize". IF she wants to keep yelling at you, you say the exact same thing in a more forceful manner. Don't allow yourself to get berated for your mistakes.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Hicks said:


> It's not impossible to deal with coming home at 7:00 every night. But some things to keep in mind. Your wife does not care that there are others that get home later than you, so don't mentally "credit" yourself for this. She cares about you in relation to her only. If you "must" come home at 7:00 nightly, then you have to compensate for that. So you don't have room for "mistakes" on the weekends. By thinking about this concept, and how important it is, you will be less likely to be inconsiderate as you were. In other words, after all week of being responsible for the kids, she does not want to be responsible for them on the weekends. She cares about that and not bagels, coffee and all the other nice things you did. So in her way of thinking (which should become yoru way of thinking) it is outrageous that you think she should be happy that you are buying bagels when she cares about not being left with the kids. Don't credit yourself for a bunch of acts that are not core to what she desires from you.
> 
> This line of thinking is what helps you to answer the nastiness of your wife properly. The answer you give her is "Wife, I made a mistake. I was inconsiderate and I apologize". IF she wants to keep yelling at you, you say the exact same thing in a more forceful manner. Don't allow yourself to get berated for your mistakes.


These kids are not babies - they aren't a lot of work at their ages especially at 7am on a Sunday. Chances are they were sleeping like logs!
If she's bent out of shape being home with self-sufficient children, then she needs to adjust her thinking. Sorry but they aren't a lot of hands on work (yes I have a just turned 16 year old that plats all sports and works) at those ages. Now take a 12-15 month old - now we're talking stress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

There are a number of components here. In the big picture is the SAHM and your relationship overall. I hate to treat it like baggage but so many responses and issues are born from no simple cause and effect situation. However, sometimes human interaction can be broken down into simple terms. In most cases we react to how we are treated (or think we are treated).

Act - React

Adult - Adult
Parent - Child
Child - Parent

In you case I'd argue that your wife may have said some important things but wrapped them in some rather immature verbage. And is human nature you reacted in kind. I'm guilty of this time and time again. I tend to agree with others that you need to look at the big picture to understand her true feelings - not just that morning. Having said that, her actions were simply wrong. However, we all are guilty of it at some point in time. And to react strongly (not as an adult) isn't right either. It is just easy to understand how one can.

Somewhere in there your kind and caring touches are noticed. Unfortunately, other issues can create a feeling of entitlement that may negate some true and productive appreciations. But, as an adult I'm assuming you don't do these things for quid pro quo or for latitude for when you might mess up. You do it because you care and because you want to show you care (awesome by the way). Again, after doing something nice it is really hard to not be treated nicely. Human nature again. Again, the reaction you received is rather unfair. 

If you must criticize (or thinking positively teach/coach/assist) then fall back to coaching 101 and use the sandwich method. Compliment the positive, bring up the item that needs correction, and encourage the good. Start of positive so you minimize defensive mechanisms, approach the problem that needs correction using adult tones and words, and finish off positive with encouragement. No one needs Bob Knight in their marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> These kids are not babies - they aren't a lot of work at their ages especially at 7am on a Sunday. Chances are they were sleeping like logs!
> If she's bent out of shape being home with self-sufficient children, then she needs to adjust her thinking. Sorry but they aren't a lot of hands on work (yes I have a just turned 16 year old that plats all sports and works) at those ages. Now take a 12-15 month old - now we're talking stress.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, if a husband in trying to deal with a problem between he and his wife comes to the conclusion that the answer is "she has to adjust her thinking"... This cannot solve a marital problem. People can really only change themselves. It is a losing proposition to wait around thinking someone else will change or arguing someone out of their feelings. IF OP's wife feels slighted because after a week of being out of the house running and working then on Sat morning he gets up and gets out I think it's perfectly normal response for his wife to feel hurt, angry, and unimportant. If his response is "Get over it.. the kids are big. I make all this money"... he has no chance of having a happy wife.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> He should have called her. The courtesy of an explaination rested with him. She doesn't have the luxury of going out any time she likes.
> 
> She should get up early and ditch him like he does her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thing is, She CHOSE to sleep in. She set the tempo for her own day as did he. His tempo was a lot more controlled and focussed then hers. 

How anyone can think that it was about being tethered to the house, has to be out of their mind, the entire day was planned to be getting away from the house.

His view: Big day, get up early, coffee brewed, goodies purchased, breakfast provided, opportunity for a run before everyone else wakes up, GREAT DAY AHEAD.

Her view: Slept in today, woke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and bagels on the counter, where is hubby, how dare that a$$hole leave me alone in this house! why does he expect me to blah blah blah. 

Idiocy, pure selfish idiocy on her part.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Barefoot,

Don't overthink this.

Read this link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html

What she's doing is "normal". You're failing her tests. Start passing them and enjoy your relationship.





Barefoot said:


> Thanks for all the responses.
> 
> Yes, I could have and should have taken the higher ground and gone to the partyand expressed that it would be great if she reconsidered, and have in the past taken the high ground in similar situations (yes - this is not the first time but the first time in a few years).
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Her youngest kid is old enough to babysit herself!

But what's really at stake is that she is having the kids-growing-up itch. Now that she's 'sacrificed' for them, and they're getting old enough to not be tied to her, she's looking around and thinking 'what's in it for me?'

My first instinct is to say sit down with her and HELP her figure out how to have a more fulfilling life (but make sure it involves time WITH YOU, not just on her own). Show her you're ok with her doing this.

That said, I have to ask: is she normally a somewhat selfish person? Used to getting her way? Typically blows up at you and waits for you to apologize?


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