# What should I do about this relationship?



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I'll try to summarize. He was a very sheltered and innocent person, he was 22 and had been homeschooled living with strict Christian mom and was a virgin who had never done anything. He had only had 1 other relationship that was horrible. Anyway, we moved in together so we wouldn't have to live with our parents. It was a convenience thing.

He completely fulfilled my emotional needs in a way that no one else ever had. He was really passionate towards me and showed his loving emotions more than most men ever would. He was just really sweet and respectful and was more into me than I was ever used to. When we moved in together, I learned of how immature he was and how he didn't know how to do bills or finances AT ALL. He was also really gullible. I tried to help him out. Anyway, here are the things that have happened:

-His family hated me, which made things extremely difficult
-He would talk to his family about all my flaws which didn't help, to "relieve stress", he said
-When he got overly stressed, he would completely ignore me and snap when I tried to get him to talk about it
-When we got into it, he would bring up my faults and say "at least I don't complain about these things"
-He would spend money on items like a BB gun or a Samsung Galaxy watch when we were sleeping on the floor & needed a bed or other basic needs and get mad when I tried to explain it to him why a bed is more important
-He talked to my STBX (who is evil) and believed things STBX said about me. The next day he initiated a huge argument and asked me to leave and said he was done & left. I packed my things, when he got back, he acted shocked and begged me to stay and vowed to never talk to STBX again.
-Took $100 from me but said he was using it to surprise me. Gave the money back when I found out.
-I ended up leaving because I found out he talked bad about me to STBX and his family, and I couldn't get over him ending the relationship (before taking it back). He called me 18 times and drove an hour to my grandmother's house at 6 am and was shaking violently and crying his eyes out. I comforted him and told him I'd think about things.
-Then drove 2 hours to my moms unannounced after I had went for my little brother's bday party because he said he felt I needed him.
-Kept constantly calling/texting, pressuring me to move back in
-One night I told him that if we were to move forward I had to be honest, told him I exchanged nudes with STBX very early in the relationship and it was a phase and I felt horrible, STBX had asked to be friends with benefits and i had turned him down. This had been weighing on me for a while. He forgave me that night.
-The next day he ended things over that and me not moving back and threatened me w/ court for not giving gifts back, said I was only with him for money, other bad things, that he would help STBX in court to get DD. 
-Just last night we both apologized and he told me he can't stop thinking about me, he doesn't love me any less, and he can't think of being with another girl. I can't think of being with another guy either and I've been miserable, but I don't know if I should go back there.

You guys said I am not properly able to discern a good man from a bad one from my previous choices of men so that's why I'm asking for help.

Thoughts??


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

He sucks too, Ariel.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I'll try to summarize. He was a very sheltered and innocent person, he was 22 and had been homeschooled living with strict Christian mom and was a virgin who had never done anything. He had only had 1 other relationship that was horrible. Anyway, we moved in together so we wouldn't have to live with our parents. It was a convenience thing.
> 
> He completely fulfilled my emotional needs in a way that no one else ever had. He was really passionate towards me and showed his loving emotions more than most men ever would. He was just really sweet and respectful and was more into me than I was ever used to. When we moved in together, I learned of how immature he was and how he didn't know how to do bills or finances AT ALL. He was also really gullible. I tried to help him out. Anyway, here are the things that have happened:
> 
> ...


You _really_ need to get your picker fixed. I mean Yikes!

Besides getting your picker fixed, you need to find a place to live apart from him and make sure he doesn't find out where it is. Think how you would handle a crazy stalker and do that with this guy.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would be careful about dating people that grew up in a bubble. His parents sounded like they protected him from the world, and now he does not know how to operate in it. The honeymoon phase faded fast, and he stopped acting sweet because real life stress was entered into the equation.

I am also guessing that his parents protect him from his failures as well. He should be allowed to make mistakes and grow up from that.

Ariel, I suggest you take the time to focus on what you can do to be an independent person. If you are looking for a roommate, I suggest a female one. Less complications.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Too much drama too early. Try again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ariel...you gotta learn to take things SLOWER.. I recall you found this guy.. he sounded like heaven and you moved in together..... I was thinking then.. "OMG that's too soon... they are in the thick of not knowing each other.. it will all come out in the wash"...and here it is..... 

I don't think anyone should even entertain moving in for at least a good year & a half ... Experts say it takes a good 18 months to get beyond the Infatuation phase with all those upped hormones to see if you have what it may take for something Lasting & True.. 

Financially, in boundaries with talking to others outside the relationship..and emotionally.... he's got some growing up to do... I would be a little concerned he* can't* let go given what you wrote there, he sounds obsessive...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Lots of work to do. He seems ill prepared for adult responsibilities and certainly ill prepared for knowing to show respect to his partner. If you get back together then you have to have higher expectations for him this time. Oh and higher expectations for yourself as well. After all you shouldn't have been taken by surprise by all of this. If he repeats the cycle of talking about you to others the I find that to be a show stopper type of issue. You guys really need to set down and talk about expectations and boundaries if you even consider getting back together.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Ariel, you went from the frying pan to the fire! Do you think you need a man to be happy? Obviously, you do. Try just being by yourself for a while.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump him. Geez.

And HOLY CRAP stop sending nude pics to your STBX. And that's whether you're in a relationship w/ someone else or not.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm so confused. So there is this man you're writing about, but also a STBX? There are two men in this story? 

Maybe I'm just coming in too late to your saga.....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Shaking my head. You moved far too quickly with your STBXH and you're doing it again. 

You need to SLOW DOWN and learn to be alone or you will continue to make bad mistakes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm so confused. So there is this man you're writing about, but also a STBX? There are two men in this story?
> 
> Maybe I'm just coming in too late to your saga.....


There's a ton of drama in her back threads. She married her STBXH after a couple of weeks of dating, IIRC, and has a young daughter. She's about 21 now. Inbetween this guy and her STBXH was another guy that didn't last long (porn issue, I think). 

The advice she's gotten in the past was to not jump into another relationship quickly. And that still stands.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Ariel, please don't take this the wrong way. I think you are a great young lady with a lot going for you

Can I suggest just staying single for a while? Focusing your baby, and on your schooling and/or career. Catch your breath. You have plenty of time to find a good long term partner. 

Just my 2 cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Openminded said:


> There's a ton of drama in her back threads. She married her STBXH after a couple of weeks of dating, IIRC, and has a young daughter. She's about 21 now. Inbetween this guy and her STBXH was another guy that didn't last long (porn issue, I think).
> 
> The advice she's gotten in the past was to not jump into another relationship quickly. And that still stands.



Thanks for clarifying. Ai yi yi.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Wow, this guy is one dramatic, over-reactive, emotional Rollercoaster of crazy immaturity and ..WoW!

Seriously, you're still young and you have a lot of potential. Break it off with this guy and start over. Be single for awhile. You're only 21? 22? I mean, people have been divorced over less than this.

I would say definitely take it slower next time, find a stable guy, with a stable job, who knows how to do basic adult things like pay his bills, has his finances straight, and doesn't have any of the problems as your first 2 guys.

Also, what does STBX mean?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Ariel, please don't take this the wrong way. I think you are a great young lady with a lot going for you
> 
> Can I suggest just staying single for a while? Focusing your baby, and on your schooling and/or career. Catch your breath. You have plenty of time to find a good long term partner.
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


Make that 4 cents.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> Also, what does STBX mean?


Soon-to-be-ex


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Soon-to-be-ex


Wait, soon to be ex-BF? H?

So, she is still working on ending one relationship and she's already started another.

I definitely think you need to focus on stabilizing, establishing your own life and avoid these crazy relationships for awhile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

^^^^

Soon to be ex-husband (who also likes males as well as females -- and is abusive).


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Ariel... Leave the boys alone for a while until you are grown enough yourself for a real man of integrity. In the mean time study and learn what that looks like and who you need to be maturity wise when he does come along.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Oy vey!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I'll try to summarize. He was a very sheltered and innocent person, he was 22 and had been homeschooled living with strict Christian mom and was a virgin who had never done anything. He had only had 1 other relationship that was horrible. Anyway, we moved in together so we wouldn't have to live with our parents. It was a convenience thing.
> 
> He completely fulfilled my emotional needs in a way that no one else ever had. He was really passionate towards me and showed his loving emotions more than most men ever would. He was just really sweet and respectful and was more into me than I was ever used to. When we moved in together, I learned of how immature he was and how he didn't know how to do bills or finances AT ALL. He was also really gullible. I tried to help him out. Anyway, here are the things that have happened:
> 
> ...


ariel_angel77 ... you are right. You are not able to discern a good man from a bad one.

You need to end it with this guy. He's abusive, a stalker and well pretty much nuts.

Do not worry about his threats to help your ex get custody. There is nothing he can do. A guy who uses threats like that to try to keep you is abusive and controlling. If you stay with him he will end up making your stbx look good.

If the stalks you, get a restraining order.

You need to stop dating for a while. Never, ever move in with a guy again until you have known and dated him for at least a year, preferably 2 years. You brought your daughter into a very bad situation. What were you thinking? You did not really even know this guy and you brought your daughter around him?

Your issue is that you have no boundaries. That fact that you even consider going back with this guy shows that.

Make a list of all the bad things that your stbx did/does. Add to that all the things above that this new guy does.

That's your boundary list. If any guy your are dating every does any of those things ONCE, you dump him on the spot. The purpose of dating is to find out if a person is a good match for you. So as soon as you see a guy do one thing that crosses your boundary you know he's not a good match.

For example this guy talking to his family and others about you negatively. Why would you stay one more minute with someone who does that?

Him bad mouthing you? Why would you give him a second chance to do this?

The list goes on and on. 

Work that list like boundaries.

"I will not be in a relationship in which a man insults me and puts me down."

"I will not be in a relationship with a man who conspires with my ex to harm me or my child in any way."

"I will not be in a relationship with a man who stalks me."

Make your boundary list. 

Get some books on boundary setting. Read them. Practice setting boundaries.

What is the difference between people who end up in abusive relationships and those who do not? Those who do not have strong boundaries. Those who do get into abusive relationships have weak boundaries or no boundaries. 

And stop dating anyone for a year or two. Yes you can survive quite well with out these lousy guys in your life. Get your education. Get a good job/career. Then look for a good man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ariel_angel77 said:


> You guys said I am not properly able to discern a good man from a bad one from my previous choices of men so that's why I'm asking for help.
> 
> Thoughts??


You've got to be kidding! A momma's boy with no worldly experience who doesn't know how to have a relationship and can't even figure out how to budget for survival, who's also needy and becomes a stalker on the drop of a dime? And you ADMIT that you moved in together to RUN from other people? What did you expect?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

T, she's young. Cut her some slack.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let me give you an example of what a responsible, thoughtful girl who loves herself - my 24-year-old daughter - is doing.

She dated a guy in senior high school year, she went away to college, because she knew college was more important than a relationship. He stayed home, didn't 'need' college. True to immature form, he dropped her 3 months into her freshman year because he 'needed' a girl who would 'be there for him.' Note that she was still a virgin, wouldn't have sex with a guy until she was in love with him.

She was single for the next two years - too busy making good grades to worry about boys. The summer before her junior year, she met a boy on *******, but wouldn't meet him in person for 3 months because she was being careful. Met him, started dating, and his control/abuse started up. By six months, she broke up with him; she almost fell for the 'you're not good enough' crap from him but he made the mistake of cussing her out and kicking her out of his apartment - at which time she came home and I talked to her about what he'd been doing, and the lightbulb went off - he was abusive and she didn't need that crap. Of course, he tried to get her back, but the blindfold was off and she refused. 

She was single for another 2 years. Graduated, moved back home, got a full-time job while waiting to apply for grad school, still didn't meet anyone worth going out with. She had a checklist, and if you clicked off too many things on the list, she wouldn't go out with you. Her list included smoking, drinking, hard drugs, guitar player, jock. If you bailed on a date, you didn't get a second chance. If you expected her to sit around and listen to you play guitar or play a sport, you didn't get a second chance. Stuff like that. The guy had to have a sense of humor, had to have a good family and be close to his family, had to be good with money, had to have a college degree, and had to be laid back and not stress out (that last one is because her dad is very negative and stresses about everything).

Just this past summer, a year after graduating from college, she went on a blind date and miraculously, he was everything she's been waiting for. Bachelor's degree in two years, same car for 10 years to save money, steady employment, laughs all the time, is NOT jealous and wants her to hang out with her friends and for him to hang out with his, loves his family (and so does she), doesn't smoke or do drugs. He's just great.

But even with this, she STILL will not move in with him. She starts grad school this fall, and she told him she MIGHT move in with him next summer (2016), after she's sure she can handle a full year of grad school and still be able to devote time to him, because she doesn't want to do it wrong or for the wrong reasons.

Now, they've exchanged I love you's, and her plan is: move in next summer, graduate with a Masters the next summer, do some full time work and plan her wedding, get married the next year, start having kids, keep working, and THEN start applying for her PhD so that she (1) has time to get married and start a family and (2) saves up some money to make it through the PhD program, so that, by the time she finishes her PhD, her kids will be starting school and they can afford to buy a house.

ariel, do you see the vast difference between (you) having to have a guy in your life, ANY guy, no matter how immature/wrong/destructive and (DD24) choosing to put yourself first?

You could be doing this, too. You could be choosing to put yourself first. And you'd be avoiding all this crap. Crap that is AWFUL for your child and probably teaching HIM to turn out messed up. Teach your son better. Put yourself first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> T, she's young. Cut her some slack.


B, ariel and I have an understanding. She knows I'm not trashing her personally.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> T, she's young. Cut her some slack.


This is true Blossom yet entering adulthood means we (in this case she) need to search for wisdom from others. As an adult, Ariel can sift through what resonate and what doesn't.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Ariel, I understand you're scared and in emotional turmoil right now (STBX turning out to be an ass, some family pressuring you, young child and yourself to feed and care for, school, etc. etc.). And yet, you *are* strong - you found the courage and will to throw your STBX to the curb and start getting your life together. You're young, and in time will find someone to love you for you.

I agree with everyone else here. Dump the current creep and focus on yourself and your daughter. If there is low-cost or free individual counseling through your school, I suggest you take advantage of that. I don't know what pressures were put on you as a child ... but something in your past is making you pick these horrible men. You need to break that pattern if you ever want a decent, stable, loving man in your life.

Meanwhile, keep us posted. Sure, you'll backslide now and then, but once you start seeing destructive patterns and breaking them, your life will be a LOT easier.

P.S. Glad you're sticking to your guns and divorcing the STBX. Good for you!


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## IWantGreatMarriage (May 20, 2014)

Ariel,
To be honest when I started this thread I thought you were giving a summary of your stbxh because I remember reading not too long ago about your planning to leave him. Little did I know that you have left and had time to find another guy and move in with him.
That's really scary.
Please try to live and grow on your for awhile, and maybe invest in IC to find out why you love so much drama. And quit bringing new partners to your child's life. I remember people advising here to wait a while (2 years?) before introducing kids.
Take care and goodluck!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> This is true Blossom yet entering adulthood means we (in this case she) need to search for wisdom from others. As an adult, Ariel can sift through what resonate and what doesn't.


Its just going to take her time to learn what we are laying down because no one has taught her the art of saving yourself for the right one in a mature way. I also told two men I would not marry til I was out of college and if they didn't open the doors for me, I shut them out of my dating life, as well as chronic TV watchers (lazy). I liked guys who have good attitudes, sense of humor and work hard. I like them very intelligent, but not the kind that are so far out in space that you would wonder if they are part alien. Gregarious, great conversationalists are good. I also like deep compassion and brawn paired with each other... and are good to their families. So, Ariel, I truly hope you back away from all relationships for a while. Grow your non-negotiable listand learn to not apologize for it.

oh, and since meeting my two husbands, they must be deep emotionally AND not be chronically angry.  Once you start that list, life will teach you to add to it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

It all sounds very exhausting but I think you like it.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> ariel_angel77 ... you are right. You are not able to discern a good man from a bad one.
> 
> You need to end it with this guy. He's abusive, a stalker and well pretty much nuts.
> 
> ...


Love your advice and love the idea of the list! Thank you.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Thank you guys for the advice. You're right, I do need to be single for a while. Thank you for warning me about this guy.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You might also want to get into therapy. I think your past and your family dynamics, and who you had as role models growing up has a major influence on your life.

Your not loving and learning to respect yourself enough. You put up with a lot that those who have those qualities would not put up with.

Also, your addicted to the drama. Your husband put you through an abusive relationship, and you get used to the highs and lows that normally do not occur in healthy relationship. Normal, healthy relationship are like smooth round hills. Your used to operating in the high spikes. When things are bad, it is really bad, and when things are good, they are really good, only because the bad was so low, that it made the good better than it was.

Hence, I suggest you look at your past, into your childhood. there is a reason why you keep picking these men, and you need the time to process and analyze your own life. Learn to be a stable you first before entering a relationship.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I had a couple thoughts when I read this...
- you're early in the relationship, you should be in the honeymoon phase where everything is "perfect." If its this bad now, run.

-you mention a STBX and a new relationship. That's a lot for anyone to carry. Maybe you should take time to settle your other business so you have energy to focus on the next one properly.

-Did something happen at some time that impacted your self esteem? From your profile you are in college and seem to have a lot going for you. Hold out for guys that deserve to be with you.

-Of all people I heard this from Dr. Drew (not always a fan, but this resonated). He said you'll attract relationships that are as healthy as the space you are in. So if you are ending a relationship and not yet healed, you won't attract healthy guys. If you find yourself, are happy and confident, you'll attract better caliber men.

Stay strong, but kick this kid to the curb. As a parent, I'd not want him around my kids. Good luck.


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