# MIL ruining my marriage



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well I finally got my H to talk to me tonight. He finally blew up and said that I don't even know what is going on his life and that I do things that upset him and he doesn't even say anything. And then told me that he has a packet of emails and information in the truck from the courts because his ex wife wants to take the kids away from him because of ME. This summer when we were getting married, my MIL sent me a terrible email the week before our wedding. I had met her twice and talked to her for maybe 30 minutes and she sent me an email telling me how I was ruining her sons life and that she didn't want her grandkids to be around me. I waited a few days, but responded. I admit that I didn't say the nicest things either. I was really pissed and really blown away that she would say this stuff about me. Now I find out that he has been fighting with his ex since August. I don't know all the details but I do know that the courts have all the emails, which means that they came from my MIL. I said that since this was about me as well, that I should know what is going on and that I wanted to see what was being said. He said that he didn't even know where the packet of stuff was and that it wasn't any of my business because it was about his kids. It sounds like he is blaming me for fighting with his mom in the first place. He says that whatever is said is then told directly to his kids by his ex and that is why they don't want to talk to him. Couldn't part of the problem be that he has never really talked to them much in the first place?? I just can't believe that I am now being blamed for all the problems with his mom, his ex, his kids when I have only been with him for a little over a year. They had problems way before I came along and all I did was defend myself and my relationship with my H.

It's scary to think that he hid this from me this long. I am supposed to be the one person he can talk to, and instead he hid something this big. WE are supposed to be a team and protect each other, and he is not doing that. I told him that he can't even be sure they have both sides of the story if it came from his mom, and he stated that the courts have all the emails and why do I need to see them if I was able to read them on my email? Well, if they came from his mom, she may have omitted her part in things.

I just don't know where to go from here. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt. I have never been involved in a situation like this before. I get along with my parents and have never had problems with anyone else's parents. His mom has always been a mess. She was abusive to him as a child, and it just seems to continue. The fact that she is siding with his ex on everything is really sad.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't give her any more ammunition. If I were you, I would ignore all contact by her, never respond, but keep copies of everything.

As for your husband hiding all this from you, well, if he had been honest and forthcoming from the start, you both could've sat down together and planned how you would deal with any accusations or contact from his mother and ex. 

I don't know how they can justify taking his children away from him because of you unless you have some sort of criminal history. Nasty emails may not look good, but the courts aren't going to be overly swayed by a few nasty words between a woman and her MIL. 

If he's just going to put blame for everything on you, maybe you should ask him what he wants you to do about it. If he won't offer any solutions, maybe you should offer some yourself. You could also possibly consult a lawyer about how you are being used in this case and what you can do about it.

Good luck.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

It's a big problem that he doesn't tell you what's bothering him and what's happening with the court, the kids his ex and the MIL. Not only should you be able to be there to help him, but you should have the chance to defend yourself/know what's being said about you. 

Don't blame yourself for all of this. Your H should have informed you about the situation so you would have known how to react and deal with his mom, kids and ex. Also, you sent one E-mail and there is clearly more to the story than that. 

NEVER respond to the MIL again. You know she is bad news, so steer clear. I know it's tempting and that you'd love to tell her some things, but it won't do you any good. Also, toxic people go nuts when they are ignored and people don't play their games, so that's some consolation.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Agree with everything said here... do not have any contact with the MIL, she is bad news. You may also want to reconsider your marriage. Do you really want to be married to a man who leaves you out, sides with his mom and blames you? If you say yes to any of those, evaluate yourself. In the meantime, contact a lawyer, a good one.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I have not had ANY contact with my MIL since before the wedding, except when I saw her at a funeral. But we didn't even talk then. She has way too many problems. 

Things have continued to go downhill with my H since this incident. He still hasn't shown me ANYTHING from the courts. He said he looked for the envelope the night we fought about it and can't find it anywhere. If this is true, then was it really that important in the first place that he lost it?? And if it's not true, then what is he hiding from me. I tried to explain to him that he may not have all the emails since this came from his mom and his ex, and we need to make sure both sides are there. But I can't help if he won't let me.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. He really doesn't have a lot of contact with his mom. But instead of getting angry at her for all of this, he blames me for having contact with her in the first place. In my defense, I felt like I was protecting him and our relationship. What if it was our (future) children she was saying things about?? Would he really expect me to do nothing?? I've posed that question to him, but he never answers anything anymore. 

How do I reconsider my marriage after only 3 months?? I'm just not sure how to even begin to go through that. I want us to get some help. and I want him to get some help. Lately I am beginning to think he is depressed. He even told me that he feels like "an empty bottle". I've dealt with depression my entire life, and I definitely see lots of signs in him.


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