# Major anxioty to much for me to handle help!!



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

I have had anxioty since i was a kid, i would have breathing fits like i was having a heart attack. ok jumping forward. my husband and myself are having major issues and on verge of seperating. i get so upset and sad and hurt and feel i will be lost without him. im diabetic and at the beginning he was caring, affectionate and loving. im afraid and lonely and worry a lot. We both have done things in our past to lose trust in each other. He lied and kept things from me which didnt help the trust even if he did it to stop conflict or from hurting me. He got depressed and snapped at me a lot and was moody. i put up with it tho and i was insecure so i would question him a lot so he found it hard to tell me truth or be open with me. We both love each other but it has been 4 years since this has been going on.
present day i have checked his cell phone to read his text messages cause he not telling me crap and he has one single friend who is female and sits right beside him and he finds attractive and fantasises about and real good friends with over a 5 month period. at first he would text her from time to time after work and on weekends since things have got worse he texted her more and more. He treats her better then he treats me. at first i thought they were having an emotional affair but she doesnt like him in that way only as friends as far as im aware. then i figured ok maybe me questioning him daily and being jealousy pushed him away from me and closer to her. i really dont know. all i know as soon as he met her things starting changing. we have been through far worse and now he decides he is not happy and wants to go but says he still loves me and could never hate me. ok heres the thing i have a program on the computer that takes screen shots he knew i had it on maybe he forgot but anyway. i noticed he changed his email password and i asked him did you cahnge your password he said yes i said can i have it he bluntly said no. i asked should i be afraid of anthing cause you changed it. he said look i cahnged it a few days a go be fore we started talking about marriage counselling. which was a lie he changed it that same day i asked. 
i have checked his messages before and i said after he caught me that i wouldnt do it again but i knew he changed his password so i wanted to see if he actually did it so i checked this morning and i know i shouldnt have adding fuel to fire but i did he caught me again. heres the thing he looking at porn behind my back and deleting it from history changing passwirds getting new acct like twitter. i saw him on my computer with my program he watched loads and wanked even and deleted it all he lied to me and toldm e he didnt but once i reminded him i have prog on comp he gor mad and defensive and said yes if im gonna watch porn and wank and delete it im gonna do it because i can. i told him he doesnt have to delete it i never minded him watching porn. Thing is he went on one of those porn chats but didnt chat just watched i guess (this porn chat was the thing that made me stop trusting him in first place a while back because he lied about it) but he went on that so many things changing i cant deal with all this change i dont know if i can live without him in my life. im just gonna fall apart. we suppose to see marriage counselling this saturday but since this morning with talking about the porn thing he wanked to last night and him finding out i looked at his phone to see if he changed password i dont know. we both lying to each other to stop conflict and hurt. thing is i love him and willing to try and change for him cause i still have feelings and rem all the good times with him. Thing is i dont know about him wether he lying to not hurt me or what. He doing all this stuff and we hadnt had sex in months and he watching porn and wanking he changing passwords like he distancing himself more and more. yes he is not happy and says hedoesnt love me the same as he did at the beginning but he says he still loves me. Im so lost and not sure what to do. 
i keep doing things to make it worse and i cant help myself sometimes. i have no friends here to comfort me and help me through this bad time. At least he has her. my family to far away and i need this job even tho its only temp but i cant afford to do this on my own. i dont want to be alone.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I think you have a lot going on. Certainly you have insecurities. You have anxiety and probably need to be treated for it. You're husband has issues but it doesn't sound like he's having an affair at this time. It does sound like he's attracted to this woman but she isn't reciprocating, which is good. He's turning to porn to release and fantasize. Frankly, I think this gives you a door.

I think counseling is a good thing. I think you need to be supportive of it. Let him know how much you love him and you want to help. You know you need help but you know this is all hurting him too. I would take the program off the computer. Tell him you're simply not going to keep an eye on him like that. But I would have a talk first. Is there anyone I should worry about? Is there anything more than fantasy?

Keep something else in mind. A woman has a lot more power sexually than she realizes. The porn may be a problem and may be a turn off to you. But we're talking your marriage and your future. Maybe you need to try being aggressive sexually. I realize women need a lot of emotional connection to be sexual but coming at this in the reverse might show him YOU are the fantasy. That you want to be his fantasy and you want to get help. Don't let porn, this girl at work, or anything else have the power. Take some control. It can be very sexy to a man. Some may consider this feeding his desires, giving into him etc. but this is your marriage. I think using your prowess can show him something new in you. Then you can harness that into energy to getting him to think differently about you.

I realize all of this would be a big step. And anxiety can inhibit a lot of this. I suffer from anxiety too so I know where you're coming from. Get some help for that but also get your husband to buy into working on the marriage.


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## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

Thing is we have talked about this but it doesnt seem to do much of anything. When i talk and i am the kind of person that likes to let it all out so i have talked a lot to him about issues and our realtionship that he now watches t.v when i talk or doesnt really listen. He doesnt realise the more he withdrew the more suspicious i got and worried which made me 10x more insecure and jealouse cause of the simple fact he was treating her way better than me and happier to be around her. You should see them when they together all giggly and smiles he comes home and in the car ride home its quiet and moody and not much of anyhting like enemies in a car. He says he still loves me as i said but i just dont see him trying. i have tried talking to him and asking questions and trying to get more comfortable with his friendship with her but he gets defensive and annoyed. he hides and texts and changed his password everything has just changed. also with what happened this morning i dont even know if he wants to go to counselling still. i looked at his phone and lied to him and he found out after i said i wasnt going to do it again. i cant help myself sometimes i just paranoid he stringing me along. we used to love each other so much and since new job everything went down hill. he is more sneaky not telling me anything and acting like he is single and we havent even tried counselling yet. Also its not just me that lies and is sneaky he does it too so we both dont trust each other. we have been going through this for 4 yrs but thing is i still love him and willing to go to hell and back for him and been thru that and back and stuck by him no matter what he dod to me. he is willing to give up on me so easily which hurts. im so sad and not sure what i can do to get over the one i love so much. i hate anxiety i hate my life so far. i been through worse with my ex who has my 2 kids (my choice) he was controlling and emotionally abusing me cause he was so jealous of me i never gave him reason to be jealous my new husband gives me all the reason to be.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

All I can really advise is to try a different approach. Men don't like to talk. Don't get me wrong, they should talk anyway. But sometimes you have to pull it out of them. One way is to use a little psychology. I just suggested you turning the tables on this fantasy thing and being more aggressive.

If he won't go to counseling, then go alone. You will still benefit from it. If you truly think he will not respond then you have some decisions to make. They will be difficult and you'll need support to do it.


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