# These are various opinions about sexual past



## Mr.k (Jan 14, 2013)

I want to know how others feel about finding out there partners lied about there sexual past and hurt there partners?? Ive tried so hard to heal but everyday is hard I ask the question will I ever be able to feel connected as I once did or trust her words after finding out and will I ever get the disgusting images out of my mind ?*

In the early part of our relationship, 2 things mattered to me about my wife's past...her number (because I knew I wouldn't match up with some who slept around) and her general attitude towards sex (cheating, sex in relationships vs. ONS, etc). Everyone has a different attitude and a different value system and a big mistake in relationships is to think that the people's attitude and values about sex doesn't affect a relationship. If you have someone who puts a HUGE premium on sex, only having with people they deeply care for, generally waiting month(s) in a relationship to have sex to make sure the person is "worth it" trying to have a long term relationship with someone who has had tons of ONS and drunk sex, who's a "free spirit"...you're going to end up with issues in a relationship. They can easily be worked through (or not easily based on the people) but it'll still be something to deal with.


there is a third option: find a girl with values and morals towards intimacy that are the same as yours. They are rare, but to me, they are worth looking for.


I would not be interested in anyone who does not keep count of how many people they have had sex with. If they did not know them names even less so.

I am not talking about the number of times they had sex with a given person per se. But indeed if it is was a ONS or just fling week then that is about the same thing.

This is just part of knowing the person you would marry. But a very important part.*

This is about choosing a life long partner.

I would also want to know about drug use and arrests and infidelity and education along with all sorts of other ways to determine the persons potential for compatibility.

Choosing a partner for many is an important thing. Many want someone who takes having sex as more than "its just sex".

That sex I do not think you should have to ask. The information should be volunteered.
I hate people that lie


huh? Why would anyone not ask.
- I'd like to know how risky it is. STDs for one. Patterns of ONS, or drunk party screws, etc.
- Compatibility. I wouldn't want to marry a prostitute.
- Wanting to know more about your SO. Those are part of her past too. This is just a part of knowing personal stuff.
- If we're going to be around people she's slept with then I'd like to know who they are.

What does bother me is wondering what "acts" she did with others that she refuses to do with me. As I get older I wonder what she felt about the others that made her so willing and what that says about how she feels about me.


I've certainly heard from men with RJ who have used it as an excuse to be unfaithful. The 'logic' goes something like: 'since she was a ****, then I am justified in being one too', or something along those lines."
I've been suffering from RJ for over two years now. I've ended up with a severe depression, *my job, havn't heard a friend in 4 months and being a loon prompted my entire family to turn it's back on me ...
I've given the idea of having sex with random people although *a lot of thought and I believe that currently,*
Option 1 is to never have sex again, in order to avoid the emotional implications of being the umpteenth partner, hoping to never be comfronted with the (emotional) emptiness of sex with a partner who's had a huge number of one night stands again.
My second option is to "cheat" on her. Not because she did things that I don't approve of but merely because it looks as if the only way to SURVIVE this is to strip sex of all emotional meaning too. Not that I really want to achieve this, but at the moment it looks as if I'll never be able to enjoy sex in the emotional manner again. It's lost all meaning to me, I don't think there exists anything besides a meaningless ****. I can only speak for myself, but from my perspective, cheating seems like the lesser evil ...
What do you think is the most terrible thing? To achieve this banality by sleeping with a few random people or turning my back on her?

The same "sl#tty" women get used up a lot and rack up a very high number. The "sl#ty woman" has a very very high number and she will get around with a lot of other men. The "sl#tty" woman will be in a small % of the overall population of female. It may appear that men who are players get with all the girls but of course this is not true they go for women who are the easiest to get and the easiest to bag that is how they get high numbers. The average male and female does not have a really high number at all the average male has a higher number because he happens to fall into a situation to get with a "high Number" female who just happens to want him for the night.most people do care!!so they don't end up with one of these types


the higher the number of sexual partners the more likely you are to divorce. The way a person treats sex and their sex life is a huge reflection on the individual overall and nobody of sane mind could argue otherwise.*

As it stands the higher number of sexual partners when not married leads to a higher chance of divorce.*

I have some stats on this i can dig up somewhere its really shocking to see that on average the likelihood for divorce increases rapidly the higher the number. As a divorce lawyer i do know a lot of this but of course individuals divorcing dont disclose their sexual past or life but i feel i get a good feeling on how they treat sex based on how they act and by observing their behavior among other things that get disclosed. For instance who was cheating, someone else knocked up, affairs, drama etc.


At the extreme some guys want a party girl and some guys do not. Primarily it is about compatibility. Many men do not want a woman with low self respect. It is one thing to mature over time and gain that respect and it is another to treat having sex like going to starbucks. To each their own but that is just it. Folks have a right to care.

Me personally if you are in your early 20s and do not know your number or cannot name their names then you are probably not someone I would have been interested in marrying. This would have been evident likely through other ways as well. Value system. That said, even now I would not be interested in a woman who did not have some reasonably finite number of serious partners through her lifetime since those early years.

I have a right to feel about it any way I want. So do others.*

I wonder how the number tracks or does not track with those people who insist on having a large number of opposite sex friends while married. How would a spouse know how many of these people were ex lovers?


That's fine. I personally would like to know if she or I are around anyone she's slept with. I'm not much for opposite sex friends during marriage but I'm 100% against past lover friends. So yea it makes a difference.

I already said it's risky and what IT is? But I'll explain it this time. STD: Many have herpes for example or HIV and don't know it them selves. You get that from unprotected sex so you odds go up with more partners. "Patterns of ONS". A person who has participated in multiple ONS has a different view on sex than I do or it could be lack of impulse control or vulnerability when drunk or something. That's risky to assume we are compatible.


But I refuse to accept that any young " lady " under the age of let's say 25 yrs should have a list of former sexual partners resembling a grocery bill. Of course,in this matter,society is hypocritical,because the same doesn't apply for men. But women and men place different values on sex.
Basically,the more value a woman places on her body / self respect ,the harder it is for the" entire football team " or any random guy to get any body part /appendage of theirs into any one of her body orifices.
So if it does not matter to a man,then that's his choice and should be respected.He will have to live with the consequence of that.
If a guy says it matters,then that is also his choice,and should also be respected. He can be sure the consequence of which is more palatable to live with.


I would not be interested in any woman who would continually be able to compartmentalize sex from an emotional relationship. So the it is just sex attitude would be a deal breaker for me. I would allow for the maturing process. There was a time in my younger years "any woman in the world could have know me better -- Mr. Soul". But I outgrew that prior to the age when a man is supposed to reach maturity. This is supposed to be well beyond in years from a woman. But I digress.

Choosing a wife is not like hiring someone at the local mall. It is not even like having a friend or respect for a colleague.*

If women wish to choose this way then all fine and good for them. I. But I would be wary of a woman who continually seeks out strange as a life's quest.


I suggest whatever the number how one hooks up might be of interest. A person who hooks up via craigslist may be desirable for some but definitely not for many others. A partier who goes clubbing year after year and hooks up often racking up the numbers is certainly someone who is pursuing happiness and has every right to do so. One might surmise however that they would be most compatible with someone who has been doing the same and not a good partner for some Beta guy who will be watching the kids while his wife is out clubbing. This is about probabilities though.

Sure it also matters whether a person has the ability to just flat change their life style when they marry.*

More important than sheer number is the persons propensity to bend boundaries in a relationship. Are they a cheater or someone who lies about thier past?

There is something to be said for marrying someone who has proved they can stay in a long term relationship and remain faithful. There are no garantees in life for sure. But we can only make judegments on what we know about a person. We are very much blinded though by our brain chemicals. Meaning if we are in love we may decide to roll the dice.

A smaller number though may be compatible with hypergamy. Just to show another viewpoint. A woman could have a number of say 5 and have been married twice before each time climbing the economic and social ladder. This woman may after a while at social gatherings become more interested in the son of the owner of the company you work for as an example.

Also how often do we see high school sweethearts marry and both being each others first and then one of the spouses claim they never had a chance to date other people?

Ultimately this is something one absolutely needs to deal with BEFORE marriage. Now if the information upfront was less than truthful then you flat married someone willing to lie about it. That is a whole other discussion.



*Re: does your wife's number bother you??
yes my wife's number bothers me greatly . i guess it is because i dated her when she was 16, and 17 she was a virgin.
we broke up for 18 months . we got back together but while we was apart she had sex with 8 different guys. we have been married 29 years now, but it still hurts.


Don't you guys care about the saying: you sleep with everyone else your partner has slept with"? Hmm, please tell me


I believe a person has the right to know the sexual history of thier partners.*
Just as such a person has the right to refuse to tell.However, he or she does so at their own risk of rejection.
So if we are promoting openess and transparency,then it is only fair that a person know what he or she is dealing with in a potential life partner.
I believe that people when dating should be very circumspect in their choice of sexual partners.

I'm 24 and my number is 1 until now.
I wouldn't be interested to know the number of my partner/husband as long as he didn't bang all the girls in the neighborhood/town. You wonder how would I know the number if he didn't tell me? Well..if I've heard that he is/was one of the most known playboys in town then probably I wouldn't think high of him and would call him a man*****.*
If a guy is 30 and his number is 20+ then for me this is a high number and I don't think I'd consider being with him.*

Generally though, the past should remain like that and should never be mentioned, unless there was something that could possibly change my view on him.


*Re: does your wife's number bother you??
I forgot to add that you don't have to have a high number to be called "experienced" or to show off.*
You can stay with one person for 5 years and still be more experienced than someone who has had 10 meaningless ONS.

My wife admits to 2 before me. I believed it when we married, but not anymore. Too many inconsistencies between what she told me in the beginning and things she's said since. Plus, I now know that when a woman gives you a number, multiply by 3 and go from there.

Compatibility matters and that's why I wanted to know my wife's history. I was no saint and neither was she.*

If she was a virgin or if her number was way up there then that would be a red flag about our similarities. Kinky stuff like swinging, orgies, etc would have been deal breakers because I know they would haunt me. Someone I could trust was very important so a history of serial cheating would have been a deal breaker. The number is really just a variable in the equation. Larger number of relationships over period of time would be better than a few ONS to me.

I think everyone chooses if they want to know or not. I would never move from semi serious to serious without she and I knowing each other's past. Now when it's not serious though, it's not so important.

I do have a big problem with being asked and then lying about it though. If you're going to lie about it then don't bother even answering.

we've been together for 18 years, and never once have i felt i have reason to worry, but i do wonder.
communication isn't our strong point, so on things like this i'm left to my thoughts.
I'm the odd one in my group of friends - having met my husband at a young age and him being my only lover. I can't say I was "saving" myself for my husband though. I'm not religious; I just knew it'd crush me if I wasn't cherished in some way by a lover, and I do need to feel connection, so I was cautious. I wasn't seeking a relationship when we met, or even to be dating really, but I met my guy and it felt natural for us to be together. I couldn't get enough of being around him. And we continued being together..... going on 18 years.

A friend asked me the other night how old we were when we met. She asked if I'd wondered about being with others. I told her that honestly, no, not really. The only time was last year when it was make or break - but it wasn't just sexually - it was everything. And I realized in those thoughts, knowing where I would have lived and how my life would have looked, my attitude would still be very much as it was all those years ago.*

My husband has asked me if I ever felt I missed out. Missed out on what exactly? I cherish that I've had all these years and experiences and growth with him. He's said that he's never felt that he has; but he has wondered if I've felt this way.


So I guess one does not have to be some religious fanatic or queer, to decide that her sexuality is indeed precious to her and that she should be very discriminating with who she allows to penetrate both her mind and body.

I respect and admire that.

I am my wife's first and only. I asked her long ago about her missing out on others.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Well, I got like 1/4 through your post before I quit reading it. 

Yes, it is perfectly natural to want to know about past histories especially sexual histories, because you do want to find someone that is compatible. 

That being said, no one is perfect, and a lot of people have done things in their past, especially sexually, that we may not be proud of. A lot of people have had ONS and a lot of people have experimented. That doesn't make them a bad person. 

I'm sure you have things in your past that you are not proud off. 

Good luck!


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