# Mother In Law



## alexalives4him35 (Apr 27, 2018)

Curious about everyone’s relationship with their mother in law. You hear all the horror stories and the stereotypes about them and I guess I’m wondering how true they are. My mother in law is an amazing wife and mom and always enjoy our time together. I feel we are almost as close as me and my mom. How is your relationship?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

alexalives4him35 said:


> Curious about everyone’s relationship with their mother in law. You hear all the horror stories and the stereotypes about them and I guess I’m wondering how true they are. My mother in law is an amazing wife and mom and always enjoy our time together. I feel we are almost as close as me and my mom. How is your relationship?


My future mil lives less than fifteen minutes away.She hasn’t spoken to my fiancée or me in about eighteen months and we have a fifteen month old daughter that she has never laid eyes on.
To put things into perspective she has three other daughters,two living at home,who all are employed by me.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My MIL was fantastic to me and a supporter of my marriage to her daughter. Wonderful woman. Sadly she passed at age 50.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

My MIL said my cooking was making her sick. So, please stop cooking for her. 🤣 Best thing ever. 

Also, she said if she has a daughter, her daughter would take better care of her and show her more TLC.

Someone told.me she forgot when her daughter was alive she could barely stand my MIL.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd rather wrestle a rabid grizzly bear than get within a thousand miles of my MIL.

Guess that about sums it up. And, oh yeah, she has 666 stamped on her forehead. Just sayin' ....


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

My MIL expects us DIL's to kiss the ground she walks on. She's a nice woman on the outside but very protective of her sons. She believes she raised perfect children and they can't do no wrong so you best not say anything to her because she's super sensitive. Everything is rainbows and sunshine..


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

all I will say about my X-MIL was how different I thought her daughter was from her. Then at the end, I recognized how much her daughter actually WAS like here. no wonder I am divorced.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

My mil is a bit of a butter however she loves me like no other.

When I'm down on business trips, she cooks me meals and provide accomodation if need be

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## neonmoon1005 (Jun 15, 2018)

My mother-in-law has a very good heart and is the kind of person who will always be there for you. She is also a very opinionated, expressive, sassy, and strong-willed person just like the rest of my husband's side of the family, lol. Even though she has been overbearing at times I have always had a good relationship with her while my sister-in-law did not. This was mainly because my sister in law is very soft-spoken and timid and found it difficult to set boundaries. I have heard some true "horror" stories. I think a lot of them can be prevented by communicating well and setting boundaries early on. I think it is also important to be slow to anger and or take offense.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I've always had a good relationship with my MIL. We weren't extremely close for the first few years that H and I were together, but I always liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. 

H and I got pregnant by surprise before our wedding. We both wanted kids...just didn't necessarily want them that soon, and I was scared and overwhelmed. I graduated from college and one week later found out I was pregnant. My parents were not happy for us. His mom became my rock. She was never anything but blissfully happy to be having a grandchild and she helped me feel that it was going to be OK. My own mom kind of left me out in the cold and that was quite a shock. After we had our son (and subsequently got pregnant again 4 weeks later!) his mom was like a ray of light in my life. She was the ONLY person besides H who helped me to learn how to be a mom. She was so happy for us that it helped me to feel happy, instead of unsure about myself. To this day she is basically a second mom to both of my kids and I am forever grateful to have her in our lives. 

Before my experience with her I had never had someone take me under their wing like that and make me feel like I was able to conquer the world. It really made a big difference at a time when I was really vulnerable and I so appreciated it and still do. 

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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

cc48kel said:


> My MIL expects us DIL's to kiss the ground she walks on. *She's a nice woman on the outside but very protective of her sons. She believes she raised perfect children and they can't do no wrong so you best not say anything to her because she's super sensitive. Everything is rainbows and sunshine.*.


Sounds like my MiL.

She was a freaking ***** early on but has slowly gotten better. I guess she slowly figured after 16+ years now Im not going anywhere and _might_be able to be considered family. Still a bit of that Im an outsider feeling though.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I think crazy mothers were one of the first things that really brought my husband and I together.

We both had extremely difficult mothers who suffered from mental illness.... So we got it, we understood each other.

It was also one of the many reasons we delayed marriage, and eventually eloped in Vegas rather than having a wedding - we couldn't imagine putting those two in a room together without it turning into a huge mess.

She.... She can be extremely nasty, I was "that girl" for many years. But she has also thanked me for loving her son.

In the end, she isn't mentally healthy, and I just let what she says roll like water off a ducks back. But it took a while to get to that place. Especially after I understood how much she had damaged the man I love. For a while there, I really wished she was no longer on this earth, no longer hurting people.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> I think crazy mothers were one of the first things that really brought my husband and I together.
> 
> We both had extremely difficult mothers who suffered from mental illness.... So we got it, we understood each other.
> 
> ...


Understand and relate to pretty much all of this.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

My late mother-in-law and I had only one thing in common. We love the same man.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I'd rather wrestle a rabid grizzly bear than get within a thousand miles of my MIL.
> 
> Guess that about sums it up. And, oh yeah, she has 666 stamped on her forehead. Just sayin' ....


^^This. Mine has horns too, she keeps them covered with her hair most of the time though.


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## alexalives4him35 (Apr 27, 2018)

Wow. So my relationship with my mother in law is def abnormal and not the norm. I hope to be a great mom in law to my daughter in laws. I def had a great example.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I can count on one hand people I can't get along with.

My first MIL was very sweet and kind, no issues in over 20 years.

My current MIL is kind of the combo of all those described above oddly enough. The first couple of years we were so EXTREMELY close and she was a rock and shelter for me during some super difficult things. I felt I couldn't love her more if she was my own blood.

Then, one day, my BIL (her only other child), who I also never had anything but a good relationship with, had too much to drink, as he does most days. Then he became combatitive, like he does most days, but this time he happened to be having a meaningless historical conversation with me. When he said something that was so blatantly absurd, and I said "let's look it up", he cursed me out, and screamed at me for about 10 minutes, telling me how stupid and uneducated I was, then to top it off he decided to refer to me as "that whack job you married" to my husband (his brother). My husband then of course stuck up for me and we got away from him.

I was surprised and hurt, but I refuse to gossip. I never said a word to my MIL. It had nothing to do with her anyway, right? Yet, a couple of days later we (H) got a phone call from her and she was going berserk about me "attacking her son and shoving my opinion down his throat". This went on for weeks on the phone and in person. BAD. She said such heinous things to me and about me, just volumes worth. All based on her alcoholic son attacking ME. She never inquired about my side of the story, or acknowledged the things he said and did. She just said she would always side with her kids, and she did. This is when I learned that no matter what, I will always be the outlaw (inlaw). Important lesson to learn. 

Time has gone by, a massively unsincere apology sort of happened, but unrepairable damage was done. I miss her, who I thought she was. I had to come to terms that if she didn't think enough of me to even care to hear my side, or to consider that her son that gets drunk every day of his life and picks fights with whoever is near...just might have had a little fault in what happened, she didn't really love me "like a daughter" as she claimed. Since then, her real self has come out almost every time we see her. Tons of snarky comments, backhanded digs, several more attacks and an amazing amount of jealousy over the success her son and I have in our lives. I still can't understand any of it. It still hurts, even though I wish I could say it doesn't. I miss who I thought she was. For a while, I stayed away from her at all costs. Now, for the sake of my husband, I tolerate her briefly, in short doses, which is all he can handle too. We no longer do things alone, just her and I. We don't visit on the phone. I don't invite them over. I put zero effort and emotion into her anymore, becasue frankly it still hurts too much. I am super family oriented, and so sad to have lost this relationship. It didn't need to be this way, and I wish it wasn't. My BIL is oblivious, and talks bad about her often. She chose the wrong side of this issue, and lost someone who truly did have her back. These were her choices, and I can't do anything about that. I'm not doormat material, so I just have to move on.

OP, I'm happy you have what you have and I hope it stays that way. I want to be a wonderful MIL some day too!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Mine was great while her son and I were dating, but a switch flipped when we became engaged. Things got worse after we got married; she called my family members names, put me down constantly, and pretty much just made me feel like I was the scum of the earth. To boot, hubs never stood up for me and always made excuses for his Mom. Now that we're on our way to being divorced, I haven't spoken to my former MIL in over a year, and couldn't be happier!


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Spicy said:


> She just said she would always side with her kids, and she did. This is when I learned that no matter what, I will always be the outlaw (inlaw). Important lesson to learn.
> !


Hard lesson to learn though. 

But for some people, my MiL included, SiLs and DiLs are ALWAYS outsiders. They've dug their foxhole and have their kids in there with them. Everyone else is somehow the enemy. FOREVER.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Middle of Everything said:


> Hard lesson to learn though.
> 
> But for some people, my MiL included, SiLs and DiLs are ALWAYS outsiders. They've dug their foxhole and have their kids in there with them. Everyone else is somehow the enemy. FOREVER.


Nailed it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Middle of Everything said:


> Hard lesson to learn though.
> 
> But for some people, my MiL included, SiLs and DiLs are ALWAYS outsiders. They've dug their foxhole and have their kids in there with them. Everyone else is somehow the enemy. FOREVER.


It was completely the opposite with my future mil.She treated me like a king but treated her own daughter like ****.When me and my fiancée temporarily broke up a couple of years ago she slapped my fiancée because of it.
It wasn’t until our daughter was born that her husband and other daughters started coming over to our home but she has never came around despite me inviting her numerous times.
She is also extremely homophobic and can’t accept that my best friend is a gay woman who is now godmother to my daughter.
We are getting married in October and the wedding is in Europe,I have invited the entire family and will pay for flights,hotels etc so it will be interesting to see does she come.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Middle of Everything said:


> Hard lesson to learn though.
> 
> But for some people, my MiL included, SiLs and DiLs are ALWAYS outsiders. They've dug their foxhole and have their kids in there with them. Everyone else is somehow the enemy. FOREVER.


Oh yes!!

My family welcomed my husband and his daughter with open arms. Mum and dad didn't feel as though they were losing a daughter, but gaining a son.

My husbands family...ugh. Nuff said.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I've only met my MIL twice - months long visit both cases. Thar was after a decade of dating and marriage.

I would not have married her had I known what the Wicked witch looked like.

If there was ever a case where a single person can mess up so many lives this is it. May she burn in Dante's 7th level..


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> I've only met my MIL twice - months long visit both cases. Thar was after a decade of dating and marriage.
> 
> I would not have married her had I known what the Wicked witch looked like.
> 
> If there was ever a case where a single person can mess up so many lives this is it. May she burn in Dante's 7th level..


So the apple (Or nut) really doesn’t fall far from the tree.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

My MIL has been intrusive (asian cultural thing) but generally has treated me very very well, so no complaints.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> So the apple (Or nut) really doesn’t fall far from the tree.


Pretty much. The fact that her husband literally let her croak from congestive heart failure while getting top of the line care for himself is telling.

The Witch had the last laugh tho, as she changed her will at the end and has tied up property in court battles for a decade.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

john117 said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > So the apple (Or nut) really doesn’t fall far from the tree.
> ...


I know you have separated from your wife but did she ever accept that she was behaving irrationally. How did she get along with her mother,did she understand that she was mirroring her behavior.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

My husband's mother died when he was a kid.

I've had friends tell me I'm lucky!

But my husband has always been the kind of guy to clean up after himself; and I think it gave him a lot of independence and self-reliance emotionally from a young age.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I know you have separated from your wife but did she ever accept that she was behaving irrationally. How did she get along with her mother,did she understand that she was mirroring her behavior.


Glad you asked . Her parents were separated for many months at a time when her father's work took him and a kid or two all over (cabinet level state position). She alternately blamed her mother for everything and thought she was a saint. At the end she figured it out after the Witch croaked and left a probate mess that will likely never be resolved.

As for irrationalities, she kind of admitted it to DD2 but said it's too late. Glad we agree on that.


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## Rgaines (Jun 13, 2018)

I'm going to throw in my 2 cents here. As a former DIL and now a MIL I've seen this issue from both sides and form different generational vantage points. 

Nowadays with the web there are lots of sites and forums telling DILs to basically take control fueling the DIL's instinct to disassociate with the MIL. Many a DIL assumes the MIL is jealous or toxic etc. Surely it is true that some may be. Also true is that MILs are in the position of having raised a child who is now the spouse of the new DIL. Inherent in that situation is the fact that the DIL fears that the spouse will have conditioned responses from childhood which have been learned since birth. Those responses usually include listening to, and taking direction from, a parent. Hence I present that even though many forums and website say the MIL is toxic and controlling and should be cut out for the sake of the marriage, it is often the DIL who wants to be in control and virtually tries to cut her spouse off from any support which could undermine that control. Of course all kinds of rationalizations are created to alleviate the guilt that goes along with alienating a spouse from his family.

We women are usually smaller than our counter parts and whether we want to admit it or not deep down have a certain amount of fear that we will be taken over by the male partner. That's one reason the recent mantra in women's liberation is to get men in touch with their more female sides. It's quite simply because women have been trying to gain more control in society and work but it also extends to marriage and family relationships. Every woman should want an equal partner and if she wants to paint her walls black or the darkest of colors (as an example of something simple) her MIL shouldn't be interfering. Of course the husband/son should have some input after all he lives there. But women naturally fear that if the husband doesn't want to try something different than he could use his mother as emotional support to stand his ground in such a minor decision. And that simplistic example is at the true crux of the DIL/MIL battles every bit as much as mothers can feel that they are losing a son when he takes a wife. 

That said, healthy MIL also want grandchildren and they know that their biological time for having more children is over. So unless there really IS an actual problem this newfangled emotional support for the estrangement of in-laws is going to harm families forever. After all children grow up and tend to accept and relive the actions that their parents found acceptable. Hence mothers who alienated mother in laws WATCH OUT! 

As the old saying goes, what goes around comes around. It's better to relax. DILs you have that ring on your finger. he is sleeping next to you at night. He is sharing what he earns with you (I hope). So even though he may have the inclination to listen to his mother he is NOT his mother's lover nor is she the mother of HIS children. YOU ARE! And most MIL are just getting older and just want to see that life didn't end with their own children but will continue for generations. They want to be accepted by you and they don't even realize that what they might say will be taken so hard. Your not their child, your a full grown adult, they probably know that. If what they say upsets you ask yourself: Would it have upset you if you heard the same thing from a total stranger or from some sitcom? If it wouldn't, relax, and let it go. MILs are getting older and unless there is some unusual living situation going on, they aren't in control of your lives.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

My mother in law has glamour shots of herself all around her home, spends money like its water (and then asks my husband and other men for money), says she won't babysit because she "did her time" even though she never watched my husband either (she had nannies), constantly tells her own children how they disappointed her even though she DIRECTLY caused damage in their lives resulting in those disappointments (like forcing them both to quit college to work at minimum wage jobs because she "couldn't afford heat" and then she went out and leased herself her first Mercedes, which she then upgraded every two years for the last 12 years). She claims her bad back only stops hurting in a Mercedes seat, so it's for medical reasons. 

Anyway, her kids don't love her, and neither do I.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Mine is alright. A little pushy on the religious front with my atheist children, but always friendly and supportive. I certainly don't dislike her.

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MY MIL tried to break up her sons marriages. She basically wanted them for herself and no one was good enough for them apparently. Thankfully for us, she lived the otherside of the world. 
I get on so well with my own DIL, she is lovely.


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## Ditch (Apr 16, 2014)

Both of my inlaws treat me like family. Love the relationship


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

rabbithabit said:


> my mother in law hates me. my husband is pedigreed *****


Pedigreed? So he has, what, papers proving his lineage from Good Stock?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I'm thinking of throwing a bucket of water over my MIL so to see what happens....


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

peacem said:


> I'm thinking of throwing a bucket of water over my MIL so to see what happens....


🤣
Me too. Mines look like a witch.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

When I caught my wife cheating the first time I told her parents because she had made me out to be a jealous idiot for stopping her work travel. Her mother thanked me for staying with her but I made it clear that it was only going to happen once. 
When she cheated the second time I threw her out and her mother begged me to keep allowing the children to visit. I knew she loved the kids and I let her see them whenever she wanted to. She still calls me every couple of days and gets on very well with my girlfriend.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I love my MIL to pieces. She's always been very supportive of me. I just wish we were closer like my H is with my Mom. I think she probably is introverted. She willingly helps with the kids whenever my MH asks (he's usually the one who asks both our sides of the family for help with kids). But I do kind of wish she would visit or spend time with them without being asked. And I wish she would talk to me more when its just the 2 of us. But I really have nothing to complain about. My H and his Mom are very close so I'm thankful for that.


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## alexalives4him35 (Apr 27, 2018)

So it looks like everyone has more bad experiences with their mother in laws then good ones... I guess my situation is unique and I’m obviously blessed.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My MIL was the epitome of a life well lived. She was the guiding force in the family, remembered every birthday, anniversary and milestone. She was the natural person to ask for advice, invite to dinner, and be the life of the party. She would show up a half hour early to everything to see if she could help. When she passed, I watched my daughter, tend to her, we had never seen my daughter do her thing. She was a medallist in her medical school class. My wife and I shook with a gigantic range of emotions seeing her mom pass, and seeing our child do what she was meant to do.

It is a revelation now, that my wife has easily stepped into her mother's shoes, and has become the matriarch of her family. I am the guy who gets to be with her. She is now the one that everyone turns to for guidance and advice. She is now the one that sends birthday and anniversary cards to the cousins, the aunts and uncles. I am humbled often by the amazing and strong women that surround me. (Did I mention, that I am in business with a woman, and even she wants my wife to come work with us as well)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

alexalives4him35 said:


> Curious about everyone’s relationship with their mother in law. You hear all the horror stories and the stereotypes about them and I guess I’m wondering how true they are. My mother in law is an amazing wife and mom and always enjoy our time together. I feel we are almost as close as me and my mom. How is your relationship?


My MIL is awesome! She and I do not think at all alike. But she is sweet, loves the tar out of all of us. She is just super. I certainly talk more with her than with my own Mom.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Mine could be a right old battle axe and nasty with it. What am I saying? She was a right old battle axe! But she loved my son her grandson so she's forgiven.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> My MIL is awesome! She and I do not think at all alike. But she is sweet, loves the tar out of all of us. She is just super. I certainly talk more with her than with my own Mom.


Exactly the same for me, except mine isn't around any more, but she was great!



Taxman said:


> It is a revelation now, that my wife has easily stepped into her mother's shoes, and has become the matriarch of her family. I am the guy who gets to be with her. She is now the one that everyone turns to for guidance and advice. She is now the one that sends birthday and anniversary cards to the cousins, the aunts and uncles. I am humbled often by the amazing and strong women that surround me.


Again, similar for me -- but my wife has now also passed, so those shoes are now worn by my daughter.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Laurentium
I am so sorry for your loss. I too expect that my daughter will do what my wife has done. Our girl was extremely close to her grammy. They often shared tea after school. She is her mother's daughter, and she is my MIL through and through.

My mil shared in everything, including one real cute story. Our daughter is a high achiever. Valedictorian twice, full academic scholarship to her uni. Dean's list four years running. Honors baccalaureate. Masters degree, graduated Summa cum laude, had her degree conferred by Dr. Jane Goodall. Medical school of her choice, and residency of her choice. We never expected, she just excelled on her own. (Her kid brother did the exact same in the arts-our dinner conversations require a PhD.) So of course, the day arrives that our girl is graduating medical school. We call Mom and ask if she is up to making the trip with us (six hours away). In her mid 80's she was up for anything. My MIL was so excited. So I am standing beside my wife. Her and her mom are seated, and I am holding the video camera. They are about to walk her across the stage, when they announce, "Our silver medallist, Dr Ms. Taxman!. I watch my MIL and my wife collapse into one another, and I drop the camera. The parents around us are congratulating and slapping us on the back. My MIL was the only grandparent invited to a celebratory dinner afterward, about twenty of the grads arranged this. She spent the evening having a very animated conversation with my daughter's mentor, a magnificent mature woman, who defied the odds and authorities of her time to become an MD-PhD. (My MIL had a bare high-school education, but could converse with anyone at any level and hold her own). Once again, I am totally blessed to be surrounded by strong fearless women. 

It was so funny afterward, when we returned home, we put a grad announcement in our congregation's newsletter. My MIL was bowled over by all of her friends calling to congratulate her on her brilliant granddaughter the doctor. I don't think you could have wiped the smile from her face for months following.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My mil is a crazy chain smoking hoarder that won't go outside without a dust mask on because of her allergies (dr says it's in her head). My wife and son drove 12 hours last year to see them and she was extremely annoyed by them being there. They don't speak any more. 

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