# Ever feel down about being married and having a family?



## GlenB (Aug 21, 2010)

Lately I’ve been starting to feel really down about my life. I’ve been with my wife since I was 21 and married since 22. We had our first child when I was 25. We have total of three children from 3 to 10 years old now. I’ve been working for retail for 8 years as an assistant manager and my wife work part time for a school district. We finally bought a house a bit less than a year ago.
Even with all of that, I can’t help it but feel like my life is extremely dull and that I missed out on so much things. It seems like every month, we’re always wrestling with our budget, every year vacation is just mediocre (usually a trip to one of our relative out of the state or something), and other things.
I also am starting to resent my best friend that I’ve knew since I was sixteen. He’s a year older than me, but he has no children or wife. He and a female friend own a place together. He has been a part time engineering for four years and was a full time engineer for about three years before that. He seems to have everything good.
Everyday when he wake up he’d go to coffee shop and chill for a hour or two before work or go off to do his thing. He drive a jeep and owns a motorcycle, is always dating a new girl, go on vacation two or three times a year, taking classes at college, scuba diving, learning sky diving, and other things.
Also he have been able to accomplished so much, he’s still in amazing shape despite of being in mid 30s, have a black belt in judo, was a prize kickbox fighter at one time, have climbed the tallest mountain in USA and Africa, won a couple spearfishing tournament, and many other things.
He has always been very generous about inviting me and my family to do things with him or letting us borrow his things such as boat, jeep, jet ski and other things. He even helped us find the house and with down payment. He has always been a great friend. But lately I feel so envious of him.
Also it isn’t helping any at all that my wife doesn’t really want to do much. We got opportunity to learn scuba with him but she didn’t want to. I was supposed to go sky diving with him a couple years ago, but she kept me from doing it. She flat out refuse to allow me has a motorcycle or get a tattoo.
I’m getting to the point where I am starting to regret many things. How can I stop this? Is this feeling even normal? I feel like my best friend has it just perfect.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

Well, not everyone's grass is greener. You have permanence, you have stability. You have an established family life and children...there are people out there that would like to have YOUR life.

And you may not realize it, but you might even be part of an extended family for your friend. He can play with your kids and be connected to you and your wife via your friendship. Your family life actually enriches HIS life.

Sure, you see him doing a lot of cool stuff, but even though you are his friend you don't know everything he goes through...there may be things he wants in life he's not telling you about now. I don't wish your buddy harm, but what if he got a terminal illness? Who would he have in his life? What if his girlfriend left him? What if all that fun he's having comes to a screeching halt? Who would he be calling on...YOU, and your family. 

I've been married, and now I'm single again (divorced). What I can tell you is that both have their good points and bad points. I know marriage is hard sometimes, but to me, you sound like you have a nice life. Sometimes being single and doing whatever you want isn't as fun as it looks.

Maybe you can start up a hobby that is all your own. Most wives understand the need for that, and you could have something just for you. I wish you all the best. You have a lot to smile about.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Glen,

I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. Fast forward your life a few years, though. Would you rather be a sad 49 year old trying hard to be 20 or would you rather be surrounded by successful kids and grandkids? Your friend might actually be envious of your life. He's acquiring stuff. You're building a family. His stuff won't be any comfort to him when he's old. You will have a family. 
I started a family young. I'm 49 and have two perfect grandkids. My kids are doing well. I may not have as many material things as some others but I wouldn't trade one of my kids or grandkids for all the motorcycles or scuba trips in the world and I doubt you'd trade your kids for anything money could buy.
You and your family can create your own excitement and adventures. You can still do some things just for yourself. I went back to college and got a couple degrees. With on-line classes, it's easier than ever. You aren't in competition with anyone else. You are the most important and greatest man in the entire world in the eyes of at least four people. How could your friend ever top that? 
If you had made other choices, your life would be different but your three kids would not exist. 
I've been present when quite a few people have died. Never heard one call out for their motorcycle or jeep. Never heard one express regret for having raised a family. I could lose everything and the entire world turn against me, but my kids and my dogs will still love me. They won't care if I'm fat or thin, rich or poor, employed or unemployed, guilty or innocent.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I hear you, but you will get no sympathy from me only encouragment to change these things in your life you are needing to change.

I am here to tell you, in no small way, other than the having a new girlfriend every month or so there is not much your friend is doing that you yourself should not be doing as the good man in a marriage.

And I am only saying that as I respect the beauty and health and stability and frequency of sex of monogamy as FAR greater than some new woman a month, as I consider the potential of dating a new woman all the time would be something wrong with my ability to select a compatible woman and I would, as they say, stop looking for love in all the wrong places. 

If the implication is for more frequent sex, I dare any single man to even think he would have more sex than I currently enjoy, in more ways and in new ways and as challenging and often soft and often harsh and even as dark and as sinister than I have enjoyed over the years with my wife, and I have been married to her going 21 years, with three children, and even dating for years before. 

For sex, if it not as frequent as I am wanting also it is my own choosing.

I am betting if you get to the point you are wishing for a quick death, and that my friend doesn't sound far off the mark based on your defeated sounding typing, when you get to the point where you say enough is enough, and take a stand, to deliberately step toe to toe with your woman over some issue, when you stop worrying about making her mad and instead worry about the lack of respect she is feeling for you not standing up for yourself, you will see your woman is very often wanting the same things as you!

She is wanting the exciting, fun, confident man she married, the one not afraid to speak his mind, and take her on the adventure of life!

And yes, my friend, this means vacations not staying at some relative's house, but how come not even a less expensive hotel by the beach or at least something from your own leadership, even if the dollar cost is very minimum. 

Show some creativity, some initiative on these matters!

Avoid repetition like the plague!

And do not worry to make your woman mad at you for standing up for yourself on some little thing.

Instead, set in your mind to do something today, on purpose, to make your woman give you some feedback, and already in your mind do this, decide you will not back down, and instead of caving in, or worse, getting upset and emotional, instead be calm and even a little humorous but insist on your own way.

See how your woman will react to seeing this side of you, the side she is missing.

And see how this makes you feel, a man not a mouse, a good man and not a little boy, a leader and not a follower!

The ball is in your court, you are awakening to the realizing you are not satisfied with your path, so take this to heart, inside you is the mettle to take this life by the horns and pursue what you want.

In your own leadership, pursue the happiness and success you are imagining, and make it a reality. Your woman will be delighted to see the man she is married happy and successful, and she like any good woman, will travel with you to the gates of hell and back for the man she loves, when he finally will have the courage to show the mettle he is made of. 

This is the truth. 

I wish you well.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Looks like you've hit that all so fun mid life crisis.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Aside from the new girl all the time, you should start going out and having fun with your friend. If your wife doesnt want to go she doesnt have to, but there's no reason you cant go out.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

You now what? Why don't you try to have friends who are married, and closer to your age?
Maybe than you are going to realize how fortunate you are, and appreciate what you have. 
Why you blame your wife? If you have a hobby go for it. It's your hobby, not hers.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Glen,
Your life doesn't sound that bad. To be honest you have it pretty good. A wife, three children, a job, your wife has a job, you have a house and you can afford a once a year vacation. In this economy you are LUCKY you didn't loose your job, your wife loose hers, loose the house and therefore have zero ability to support your children or take any vacations.
I do get where you are coming from in a sense that you see a close friend that seems to "have it all". What does he really have though? Things. Lots and lots of things. One poster said it brilliantly...they have never heard of somebody at there end of there life wishing they would have had more things.


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## GlenB (Aug 21, 2010)

Sorry it took me so long to get back to everyone. Thanks everyone so much for all supporting. I really appreciate it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I really do love my family and am happy with many things. But it is just that lately many things have been going on that make me feel like others got it so much better.

It isn’t fun to get up early in morning and rush to open store and stay there most of the day then go home only to find all kids are asleep and wife is tired from taking care of the house and family all day. Then on top of that, for last couple months, I’ve been working about 55 to 60 hour a week instead of usual 45 to 50. 

This summer we were suppose to go to the beach for a couple days, but my wife got in a car accident and totaled her car a couple weeks before (thankfully, she walked away without a scratch) So we end up just go camping.

I really don’t wish any bad for my friend, but… I feel like I’m a horrible person because I’m starting to really resent him when he has been nothing but good to me. I’m getting to point where I don’t want to be around him any more. 
It just bugs me that he work maybe only 20 to 30 hours a week and make nearly as much as I does. When he first stop being a full time engineer to be a part time engineer, he was talking about how he don’t like to work long hours and want to enjoy life more, so he’s more than happy to take a massive pay cut just to work part time. I know if I try to do that with my job, my boss would laugh and I’d not even make enough to support the family.

Also every time he offer me to go out and do something with him, I’m getting to point where I just want to have some words with him. I knows he didn’t mean to be rude and actually wants me to go do it with him, but it get annoying when he’d just come and say “hey want to go (insert a activity)” and I have to turn it down most of the time because either I have to work, cannot take family with me and want to spend time with them, or my wife wouldn’t be happy that I’m not spending time with the family on my off day especially with how many hours I’ve been working.

Also other thing is, often I wish I’d wait a bit longer before getting into a serious relationship and marry and having a family. I feel like I missed out on so much, but I still wouldn’t give my family up for anything. 

It is just very hard to see him having such a nice place with a girl that he’s not even in relationship with, not worrying about breaking up with any girl, have the freedom to do whatever he wants to, and have an easy life. 

I know there’s nothing as special as a family, but over time, it just get rather saturated especially if you’re stuck at work so much and everyday just seems to be the same and everyone in the family want to do their own thing. 

Sorry for the rants. I guess I really need to figure out what to do. I think it might be because things have been harder than usual which make me rather cranky and look at other side of the grass as greener.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hang in there, im right there with ya. 3 kids that all have an unbelievable sports schedule, we are always (and i mean always) on the go. we live out of a cooler..lol. its damn difficult sometimes, but it isnt permanent. IMHO your main goal should be to provide for your family the best you can as the pleasure of raising productive children is the ultimate payoff. remember they didnt ask to be here that was your decision. your relationship with your wife will take a hit and it becomes alot of work to keep it going. it has gotten to the point that if we do not have something to do on any given night i feel lost.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Glen, I'm 33 with 4 kids (9, 6, 2, final due in October). My wife and I married young and I had my first at 24. The problem is NOT your life, but how you are handling your life. I'm going to give you a bit of a hard time here because I pretty much do have an understanding of your situation.

Having a family and a lot of kids is not easy, you do have to work a lot more then someone single. But, you chose to get married and you chose to have kids. There is no backing out of it now. What YOU have to learn is time management and goal setting.

With everything we have going on, I was able to finish up my Black Belt is Soryu Karate and I still teach Karate. My wife is still teaching & taking classes to get her PHD. We go out on dates, we take Zumba classes together, I go fishing and hunting with the kids, etc. It IS possible to have your cake and eat it to, you just have to work for it. 

You seem to just want life to fall in your lap without having to work for it. But it doesn't work that way, you have to work for what you want. So do you want to get a black belt in Judo? Then start taking Judo classes once a week. Do you want to be in shape? Then start exercising at night when the kids are in bed. Sure you are tired and you'd rather watch TV. But do you want that hard body? There will be a price to pay for it. 

If my wife and I can do it, anyone can do it. For now, focus on ONE goal and not the whole package. So GlenB, what ONE goal do you want to accomplish?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

cheatinghubby said:


> Looks like you've hit that all so fun mid life crisis.


Fun? So that was what that was lol.

But you may just have hit the nail right on the head. It is indeed a time for learning about ourselves and the roles we play in our world.

Bob


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Glen,

On the bright side, when your kids are grown and out of the house, you'll still be young enough to do all that fun stuff you feel you've missed out on. No law says you can't buy a motorcycle or a jeep when you're 45. These things will be easier to afford at that stage in your life anyway. I just turned 49 and bought a sweet 1500cc bike. My hair is a little grayer but I aint dead. Matter-of-fact, you work hard and take care of your family. If you can afford it, go on a trip, buy a bike, skydive, or whatever. You've been a responsible provider. The world will still turn if you do a little something for yourself. I try to avoid doing things that displease my wife, too, but "vagina" isn't French for "boss". Everyone deserves to do a little something for themselves and you aren't the sole exception. You can still be "Dad" and "Husband" and "Employee" and still be "You". I cringe every time I hear "wife won't let me" come out of an adult male's mouth. I work two and sometimes three jobs and rarely do anything for myself. If my wife told me I couldn't buy a bike, I'd buy the biggest Harley I could find even if I didn't want one.
Your friend works fewer hours but he might not be as valuable to his job as you are to yours. He might be the first turkey to lose his job if work slows down.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You feel like you are missing out on something. What is that? 
Also, did you ever think that maybe your friend's life isn't that awesome? I mean, is it possible that he is jealous of you and what you have?


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

GlenB said:


> Also it isn’t helping any at all that my wife doesn’t really want to do much. We got opportunity to learn scuba with him but she didn’t want to. I was supposed to go sky diving with him a couple years ago, but she kept me from doing it. She flat out refuse to allow me has a motorcycle or get a tattoo.
> I’m getting to the point where I am starting to regret many things. How can I stop this? Is this feeling even normal? I feel like my best friend has it just perfect.


I'm going to go the way of BBW. You won't get any sympathy from me either. If you want to do those things, go do them, as long as you can afford it and it takes nothing away from your kid(s). What I can't get over is the "refuses to allow me". How old are you? 5? What was the last thing you "refused to allow" your wife to do? How did that work out for you?

Quit asking for everything. She's not your mother. She's your wife. If you want to go do things and she doesn't want to. Go do them. If she gets mad, that's her problem, not yours. You invited her along.

Now, if your hobbies are keeping the bills from being paid, that is a problem. If not, have a blast. Now, if you can't ever get your wife to do anything with you and you are leading separate lives, then its really time to look at the relationship.

If your wife REALLY doesn't like you doing something she will sit down and discuss it. My wife will NEVER forbid me to do something. I'm not her child and would never suffer that level of disrespect. However, I have no problems not doing something if I find her concerns justified.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

The grass is greenest where it is watered. Stop wasting time resenting your friend and water your own grass man. What's stopping you?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Themrs, agreed. I heard a great quote. It was referring to infidelity but it fits so many other aspects.
"The grass isn't greener on the other side....it's Astro Turf!"


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## amIcrazy (Aug 22, 2010)

Glenn,

You are not mad at the life you live. Your mad at the friend you have. Are you suspicious of him?

What is that one particular thing he does/says that pisses you off the most?

Why?

It sounds to me like you have more of a problem with your friend then a problem with your wife/kids/job/life.

If it's something he does, you want to do but can't ... decide to do it or not.

If it's something that he says, tell him to cut it out. 

If your suspicious of his actions/intent, find a way to confirm them, one way or another? (A good talk with him is an easy way to find out.)



My 2 cents.


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