# Should I Let The World Know



## OddBall2 (Apr 13, 2012)

I discovered several years ago that my wife of 25 years had what i believe to be an affair with someone that was a mutual friend. I am pretty certain that the affair was possibly physical but certainly became a long term emotional affair. This "friend" is part of a larger circle of friends or social group that we do many things together with. About 3 weeks ago i could not take it any longer and drew the line that it was either him or me. I could not handle her having any further contact with this person. We agreed to an in home separation and after about a week I suggested that she move out. Her lack of remorse and lack of regard for our marriage was becoming very obvious. Thanks to help from many posts on this site of others going through the same pain I have been trying to deal with my emotions and hurts. 

She has said that if I keep it civil she will also. The problem I have is that although I have not been perfect in our marriage I have always been faithful. I have nothing to hide. As a result of all this I have withdrawn from our social group while she still goes on like she is perfectly happy. She wants to keep this hush hush and wants me to pretend that this is a mutual agreement. Like H** it is, she has ripped my heart out and now I am the one who is feeling like I can't even talk to my friends and be honest with them about what has gone on. We have three adult children and even though I do not want to degrade their mother to them I feel that I am being dishonest by not being able to tell them what is going on. I know their are definite cons to my exposing this but am I wrong in wanting to tell the world the truth?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

tell, her response is f you, just don't destroy my rep.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What is your goal? Are you trying to reconcile? If so, you must expose right away. If not, I suppose the only value in exposure is revenge and justice.

Me, I would expose either way.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Oddball2, I chose not to tell the world about my wife's affairs out of consideration for my teenage son and daughter. There was no possibility of saving the marriage so exposing the affairs would only have satisfied my short-term desire to hurt her.

I have over 200 pages of explicit Facebook and email communications, in addition to about 100 explicit pictures that I could've used to ruin her. However, she is still the mother of my children and they love her very much. Maybe if they were adult my decision would've been different. Maybe not.

I've told my family and selected friends about our situation, but if the neighbors ask me I direct them to talk to my stbxw.

If my case was similar to yours, I would let everyone know what happened. You run the risk of being portrayed as the bad guy by your wife. (Because I have a trove of evidence, I don't have to worry about my wife doing this to me.)


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You knew about this for 2 years yet you continued to socialize with him.You my friend must have a very long fuse.I would have only been in this situation for a very,very short time before there would have been some type of confrontation between him and I up close and personal.

She wants it hush-hush because she doesn't want people to see who she really is and maybe she also doesn't want the men in your social circle to be comparing notes.The OM could just be the tip of the iceberg.This is just my opinion based on what you presented.You're the only one really in the position to evaluate it more.

If it were me and it was ongoing for 2 years and my kids were all adults I would let it fly and let the cards fall where they may.I would rather deal with the fall-out than not stand up for myself as a man.Sorry your marriage has come to this.Take care.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i'd expose either way, also.

i can almost bet that she has not gone NC, now that you two are separated-- what for?(in her mind).

if this guy is married, you should definetly expose to his BS.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You have acted like a doormat. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have crawled into a shell like you have been? I can't believe that you have not exposed this to everyone. Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever and has played you as a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé her. She is willing to walk away from you because she thinks the OM will take her. It's possible the affair is still going on. Always expose cheaters especially when they ask you not too. 


Don't you find it odd that she doesn't are that you know. But she is worried that others know?
Shows where her priorities are. 

Exposé.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

"OUT" her to anyone you want to----people are gonna wonder why, the split up---let them know, it is she who strayed, who destroyed the mge., and wrecked what was left of the family---let the chips fall where they may

Also, anyone dealing with her scumbag partner, should know what kind of a person he is, in that he is a homewrecker----others might very well need to keep a wary eye on him, and his wife needs to know what kind of scum she is married to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does this friend have a wife?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Expose it. There is no value for anyone in this continued secrecy. You left it way too long! 

It is going to be really tough to detach but detach you must. She has been doing it for two years already.

She has gone. Try not to be in contact with her. This is for your sanity and will enable you to heal.
Do you have kids? 

Civil.. What is civil about her banging another man in front of you.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You don't have to make any drama to expose. Just confide to the most chatty friend in your group, the word will spread like wildfire.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I'd expose, for the simple reason that it would remove the weight of secrecy from my shoulders and move towards a form of closure. I'd feel that keeping it quiet is only done to benefit her - therefore not the right reasons.
If exposing would ruin it for your kids, you can still expose it and ask that it be kept from them - only a total asshat would break that rule.
And if your ex kicks off about it, calmly explain that you have the right to express your view and the only reason she is upset is that her friends and peers will now see her for what she is. A cheat.
I wonder, if after exposure, her female friends would be happy with her talking and socialising with their husbands/ boyfriends? 
Anyway, that's the situation she created, not you. Do what YOU NEED to do to move on. Not what she expects you to do.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You will need IC anyway, it helps with healing. Talk to a counselor, and while you are out looking for one and waiting for the appointment, buy a voice activated recorder or two, and keep it on you at all times. If you can get her to openly talk about whats going on, and get it on tape, you will have an easier time with the exposure part of this.

Badger has the right of it, the longer you hold on to the secret, the more of the toxic, putrid, slime will drip from it onto your soul. I for the life of me can not understand how you manged to be in limbo for so long. I found the relatively short amount of time I spent there to be one of the worst experiences of my life, second only to talking my then DW down from killing herself in her car last November (see my thread for details)

Keeping it "civil" as she put it, simply means enabling her dysfunctional behavior. Others have pointed out, that there is nothing "civil" about her having a EA/PA, while pretending that everything is normal.

Would this be a question if she was shooting heroin in the bathroom stalls while you two were out with your friends? As sad as it may be, at the end of the day, there is very little difference between what she is doing and my somewhat colorful heroin example.

I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this, please reach out and get help. It was the best thing I did for myself, and the support of my counselor, closest friends and family, got me through the worst of it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Don't expose as in send a hate mail abusing OM and your wife. Set up a meeting with the closest friends in the circle. Inform them that you are separating from your wife because of her inappropriate relationship with the OM. And that you are going through a tough time. You are not asking them to take sides. Just to support and be there for you when things get tough.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Don't expose. If this is a close circle of friends, they know. Somehow, people know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

JustWaiting said:


> Don't expose. If this is a close circle of friends, they know. Somehow, people know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If this is true no one will a problem when he confirms their suspicions that his wife is having an affair and identifies the OM. A win win for everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OddBall2 (Apr 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What is your goal? Are you trying to reconcile? If so, you must expose right away. If not, I suppose the only value in exposure is revenge and justice.
> 
> Me, I would expose either way.


Why is it important to expose if I want eventual reconciliation? I would forgive her and seek MC if I knew this was absolutely over. If i do come out with this should i start with his wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Tell the truth.

Simple as that. It has nothing at all to do with revenge. Nothing. It's just telling the truth. 

If anyone asks, tell the truth. Heck even if no one asks, tell the truth. It is yours to tell. As much as she wishes it was, it is not your wife's to control. 

The roaches might very well hiss at you and scurry when you flip on the light but that is their problem not yours.

Your wife has already betrayed you. Don't let her turn you into a liar/coward to boot.

Tell the truth. It's incredibly liberating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Oddball,
Yes you tell his wife.

I would tell the entire social circle. Then see your wife's reaction.

She sounds like she is in selfish mode.

Good Luck,
HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Absolutely tell his wife. No debate about that. She should absolutely know that her H relationship with a woman broke her marriage


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You've read enough posts and articles and books by now to know about the fog and that these things have a life cycle to them. She won't have remorse right now and she's probably been rewriting history for a while. She's distanced herself from you, she's looking for and gotten some outside validation, and whatever happens will take time. Exposing right now is going to further polarize matters. Odds are that at some point she will want to see if you really have a future together. If you get back together, she will see exposure as you trashing her. Yeah, I hear the responses that she trashed herself, but that is not something she will ever believe even if she says she believes it. Be strong, be available and be patient. When you expose, she isn't going to run back into your arms; she will conclude she was right and you never really understood or respected her and she was right all along and justified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why would you protect the affair that has broken your marriage? It is your chief enemy. 

And what of the future? You are going to smile and be buddies with the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I totally understand your desire to protect your children, you are a good parent. But objectively, it was lies and deceit that destroyed the marriage and your retention of those same lies and deceit will not help you. Nor will it help your children. You mentioned that the children are adult. They need to know that people, even their own mother, are not perfect and that there are consequences for actions. They will come to terms with their mother and it will be an honest relationship. Covering up the truth is not being kind, and you are a strong man who knows the difference.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

JustWaiting said:


> Odds are that at some point she will want to see if you really have a future together. If you get back together, she will see exposure as you trashing her. Yeah, I hear the responses that she trashed herself, but that is not something she will ever believe even if she says she believes it. Be strong, be available and be patient. When you expose, she isn't going to run back into your arms; she will conclude she was right and you never really understood or respected her and she was right all along and justified.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I summarise this as rug sweeping and giving her full permission to gaslight him. What do waywards fear the most? exposure! Why ? Because it shines a light on their dirty little secret. A marriage can survive exposure , it can survive her anger it cannot survive an ongoing affair or the supporting lies to cover it up. 

By not exposing he is proactively supporting her affair and perpetuating the lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

OddBall2 said:


> Why is it important to expose if I want eventual reconciliation? I would forgive her and seek MC if I knew this was absolutely over. If i do come out with this should i start with his wife?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because affairs thrive in secrecy & delusion

Once exposed reality rears its nasty head in many ways and puts pressure on the affair.

She knows this on some level which is why her only concern is exposure to your social group.

The fact that it appears to be her biggest fear is evidence of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Expose to your adult children first. Do you have hard evidence of this affair?

Definitely expose to OM wife/GF. She deserves to know what kind of snake he is

Why would the woman who snuck around behind your back, who totally disrespected you and who potentially exposed you to a death sentence (if this was a PA) deserve that you be "civil"? Was it civil when she went outside of your marriage and did things with the OM? Was it civil when she destroyed your family?

Nuke her!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Tell his wife


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OddBall2 said:


> I discovered several years ago that my wife of 25 years had what i believe to be an affair with someone that was a mutual friend. I am pretty certain that the affair was possibly physical but certainly became a long term emotional affair. This "friend" is part of a larger circle of friends or social group that we do many things together with. About 3 weeks ago i could not take it any longer and drew the line that it was either him or me. I could not handle her having any further contact with this person. We agreed to an in home separation and after about a week I suggested that she move out. Her lack of remorse and lack of regard for our marriage was becoming very obvious.


When did you discover? How did she react when you discovered? What exactly was your confrontation?
If she has no remorse, it seems she considers you a doormat or believes that you will forgive her or you have no solid evidence.

Btw, I dont read your evidences here.



OddBall2 said:


> Thanks to help from many posts on this site of others going through the same pain I have been trying to deal with my emotions and hurts.


Take care.



OddBall2 said:


> *She has said that if I keep it civil she will also*. The problem I have is that although I have not been perfect in our marriage I have always been faithful. I have nothing to hide.


I am concerned about her demand in you keeping it civil. Does she want you to keep her affair civil? Was her affair civil?
Did you have any affair in the past?



OddBall2 said:


> As a result of all this I have withdrawn from our social group while she still goes on like she is perfectly happy. She wants to keep this hush hush and wants me to pretend that this is a mutual agreement.


As warlock said, you can call for a smaller gathering .....



OddBall2 said:


> Like H** it is, she has ripped my heart out and now I am the one who is feeling like I can't even talk to my friends and be honest with them about what has gone on.


Men have nowhere to turn in difficult times. 



OddBall2 said:


> We have three adult children and even though I do not want to degrade their mother to them I feel that I am being dishonest by not being able to tell them what is going on. I know their are definite cons to my exposing this but am I wrong in wanting to tell the world the truth?


Children either know this or eventually will know of this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She's been having an LTA with an OM in your group and you're protecting her? What's wrong with this picture?










That's why she's been able to do this to you for so long. She's suffered no consequences whatsoever, that's why she's been able to go on like she's perfectly happy. Do the right thing. Expose her dirty secret. You owe her nothing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Expose. She doesn't love you anymore, or else she would not be so defiant. Your marriage was over long ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Why would you want to consider engaging in such spineless behavior as covering for her lack of integrity and honor while you take the social hit of removing yourself from your long-term friends?

You have nothing to be ashamed about. She sure does. She is essentially trying to extort you by implying she will get ugly in the divorce if you expose. Now really, how many truly amicable divorces have you ever seen or heard of, especially when cheating is involved? 

Do you really want to give in to extortion? I know I sure wouldn't.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Let the sun shine in.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Expose. No reason not to.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Many posters on here that have gone thru this, has said that exposure was the bright light that burned the fog away. Also I bet some friends know. So while you have been burying your head and hiding, his buddies in the know have been laughing, everytime you all got together. Can you imagine how many times he has smacked her on the A## when no one was looking but his buddies. And this is the woman you want to R with. Someone who humiliate you in your own circle. GOOD LUCK CHUCK !!!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If you want to try to reconcile you have to expose.

If you intend on divorcing you have to expose.

If you have any shred of decency you must tell the OMW and expose to everyone else.

There really is no choice.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Is there an OMW?

Did I miss that?

When there`s an OMW you always expose if for no other reason than the entertainment value.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I also would be willing o bet that he is not the only one in the group that she has been with. She seem like the type that hunt close to home for short term pleasure, with the added pleasure of watching them smile in your face, while stabbing you in the back. I mean FRIENDS, Really, who knew and did'nt tell you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

HAs any one in the social circle asked you or made any remark about the "friendship" between your WW and OM?

Has anyone ask why you resently distanced your self from the group.

Who is the more dominant member when it comes to being in the group, you or WW?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The bottom line s that if you do not expose this affair to this mans wife you are implicated in the affair. You are involved in it and you are contributing.

Your adult children probably already know, but you should tell them because this lie must end. It must end for you. It must end for them and it must end for the OM.

Your wife wants to pretend that you and her had marital problems and then miraculously she met this man. It won't fly..

Just end the lies. It is in your power


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## OddBall2 (Apr 13, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She values her reputation. What she would like is to divorce you, have the other man divorce his wife, then tell everyone that they only hooked up after both of their divorces were final. Tell everyone she just grew apart from you or, worse yet, that you had flaws she just couldn't live with. Make her look better and you look worse to all of your family and friends. She gains at your expense. And it's all a lie that you willingly put up with.

When you expose, you ruin her plan. Everyone will know she is a cheater. The relationship with the other man, even if both eventually get divorced and they marry each other, will always be looked at as illicit. You look better to all family and friends, she looks worse, and it is the truth.

It will ruin her "fantasy." She will have to come back to reality. She may decide to reconcile with you, she may not.

How you're handling it now doesn't seem to be working for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Right now she is lying to everyone, not just you. The thingis you are lying to everyone too. Your lying to your friends, yuourlying to the OM's wife and most importantly you are lying to your own kids. Your kids should be able to depend on their parents unfortunately you have both lied to their face.

Fix the part you can. You will not get her back by helping her continue the affair.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## OddBall2 (Apr 13, 2012)

This is one of the reasons i have not exposed to this point. I have got to believe the circle of friends have already been speculating as such. One of the other reasons i am not exposing right now, and this may be a bad reason, is we are in the works of getting a settlement statement put together and signed. Is this wrong? I just think once i expose this all cooperation goes out the window...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> This is one of the reasons i have not exposed to this point. I have got to believe the circle of friends have already been speculating as such. One of the other reasons i am not exposing right now, and this may be a bad reason, is we are in the works of getting a settlement statement put together and signed. Is this wrong? I just think once i expose this all cooperation goes out the window..


The real reason you are not exposing is as like many a BS before you , you are fearful. You are looking for reasons not to expose, don't bother we have heard them all before.

Do yourself a huge favor and stop making excuses and expose the affair. After exposure you will feel liberated knowing the truth is out there. 




> we are in the works of getting a settlement statement put together and signed. Is this wrong? I just think once i expose this all cooperation goes out the window..


What is she going to do, throw her toys out of the cot because you told everyone of her happy secret. 


Your wife will use and abuse you for as long as she so chooses and unless you man up she is going to walk away looking like the innocent and WILL gaslight you.


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## OddBall2 (Apr 13, 2012)

I have often prayed for proof positive but here is what i have/know;
It started with many text messages between them. When i would read these on her phone all were pretty benign. I never saw any that were "gotcha". Then i would see text messages on the bill that had been deleted. I would come home from a business trip and she would have cleared all history of her texts to everyone, said phone was full.
This is what led to our first confrontation, which i believe just sent things deeper undercover.
I had installed a keylogger on our primary computer, she also has a business computer that i cannot touch. I never saw any "gotcha" emails between her and him but i did discover an email to a close friend of hers asking if her "secret" was safe. "Because if her secret got out her life would be ruined". Then there is the obvious of how she goes out of her way to go to the OM buisness, where his wife also works in a partnership. I do not know if she was allways there but i know she is there most of the time.
This was my evidence going into me drawing the line. Since then i sat out side of one of the gatherings of our social group and spyed. Again no absolute proof but something too peculiar to me. My wife left alone so i though this was very uneventfull night. I saw the OM come out shortly after but didn't pay close attention to where he went. His car was still there so i assumed he went back in?? I then got up and started to walk a path that led to our neighborhood. I saw a car with parking lights on and thought someone saw me and called the cops. I began to walk towards the car and realized it was my wifes car. Why would she be stopped there within walking distance of the place she was just at? I figured i was busted and walked right up to the car. She asked what i was doing and i said i was just walking the neighborhood trying to collect my thoughts. She said she was doing the same? Really? I wish i would have been a little sharper because i had lost track of the OM he may very well have been sitting in the car with her as i walked up. I couldn't see in so i will never know now. But at a minimum i believe they were having a rondeyvou (sp?). Is this enough evidence for the OM's wife? Not sure but it is for me!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have the proof you need. She is willing to divorce you, so that she doesn't have to give the affair.

Blow it out of the water. 

You think you've got the upper hand in the negotiations etc, but you don't. She's playing you, and she will turn it around after the divorce as you being vindictive.

Go talk to the OMW and tell her what you know. Compare what you've found and let her make her own conclusions and plans.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I never saw any "gotcha" emails between her and him but i did discover an email to a close friend of hers asking if her "secret" was safe. "Because if her secret got out her life would be ruined".


Why are you waiting?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think you made a good point. Get the best divorce settlement signed as possible and then blow the affair sky high. Why jeopardize a good settlement for you. I agree.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

ok you want a good settlement, got that. but your kids are grown, your wife works, so how much do you really lose if she gets nasty. is the settlement 50/50 ? and you don't have to have a smoking gun, just tell OMW what you suspect and what you saw. or is it that wife make more than you, and you want half.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

hey as for the night you saw her car parked and walked up, remember, she don't know what you saw, but I bet she thinks you saw them and is keeping their secret. she is so sure of you, that you don't want to be looked at as a fool. and I mean really, are you the only one that see how much she visit his biz, everyone knows, maybe even his wife, but is like you. but is too afraid to rock the boat.


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