# Hit a brick wall



## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Hi I’ve seem to off hit a brick wall In my marriage, 24 years together nearly 19 married,6 children aged 14-23. We have spoke about separating feel we are ready but my instincts say different.my wife started to drink alcohol in 2006 & became dependent not long after. We are both 40. we have all suffered tremendously over the years & for the last 5-6 years we started to drift apart, the last 2 years I have become completely detached from my wife as in we don’t / can’t even bring ourselves to hug or show any kind of affection we certainly haven’t even had sex for the last 2 years mostly because she won’t allow any kind of intimacy, even before this I had to beg & plead with her for any kind of affection it’s took a massive strain on me & my emotions.she is still alcohol dependent & very aggressive/abusive towards me,puts me down a lot as in my appearance etc. I have very little self esteem.I developed a mixed anxiety depressive disorder & ptsd from abuse & neglect,(things have been that bad). I have a friend who over time we have made a connection with each other (emotional) & I’m hiding this from my wife also i have told my lady friend the problems & that my wife is about to move homes (which she is) but I’m struggling with letting her go, it still hurts even tho things are awful for us.my wife said I can move with her but things will remain the same & i know if she was to find out about my friend there would be hell to pay. My wife has tried to cheat on a few occasions but I found out in time to put a stop to it, she said she loves me but not in that way & for me she has been the love of my life & I have had offers in the past but wouldn’t off dared put my marriage/family at risk, but the alcohol has destroyed her/us. It doesn’t feel right to go near her in any way but I feel shame & sorrow like I’m abandoning her it’s not what I wanted but she will not even attempt to compromise or begin to even meet my needs like I have always done/tried with her, my lady friend truly is stunning & im blown away with how affectionate she is towards me & how good she makes me feel.we haven’t touched & this has been on/off for nearly a year. Im at a crossroads & scared for what’s to come/happen I don’t want anyone to hurt because of me but I don’t want to keep hurting either. I’ve asked if she would do counselling but she refused so I went alone but that’s not helped me either. I feel completely helpless & stuck.she seems content with me sat there depressed as her target someone to hit out at but it’s not fair, Honestly feel like ending my life so I don’t let anyone down it’s all to much. I accept I’m in the wrong here but I can’t stop every time my friend wants to talk/meet I’m there I can’t stop it & I’ve tried so much. I don’t no what to do anymore, feel free to criticise haha I no some will at least. Thank you for reading my post. Apologies if I’m wrong room/forum


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> she said she loves me but not in that way
> I can move with her but things will remain the same & i know if she was to find out about my friend there would be hell to pay.


Amazing, isn't it ? How this is usually the case. She doesn't give a carpenter's damn about you, but she doesn't want you to have anybody else, either. BTDT. By the grace of God, I didn't marry her.



Detatchedfromlove said:


> 6 children aged 14-23


When your affair is found out, that's who you are going to hurt. Your kids. The way your wife treats you? I say to hell with her, but your kids are going to be torn between their mother and their dad. Don't wreck their lives. Stop this affair right now. Let your wife leave. In fact, help her pack. Let HER be the one to bozo-up her kids. Let your kids see who the real bozo is, here. 



Detatchedfromlove said:


> I have very little self esteem


Yes, and I can understand that. The treatment you're getting is causing that. But having a "friend" is a BAD WAY to improve it. It will hurt your kids. Your self-esteem will take a quantum leap upward without that drunken shrew of a wife you've got. 

Give it time. Let the alcoholic, twisted person who is screwing up your life and the lives of her own children get out. The sooner, the better. Few months go by, you self-esteem will again operate normally and you can find someone with whom you can have a good relationship and good life.



Detatchedfromlove said:


> I feel shame & sorrow like I’m abandoning her


That, dear sir, is very misplaced shame and sorrow. It is YOUR WIFE who HAS ABANDONED you. She has done that years ago when she has refused to meet your emotional needs, and has instead, castigated you to sooth her own conscience. The TRUTH is, she is not attracted to you, and her criticism and "put-downs" of you are EXCUSES she is feeding herself to placate her own GUILTY conscience.

She may be drinking to escape her own guilt for being a CHEATER. If you had not intervened, she would have had full-blown physical affairs with those guys.

Get loose. Kick her drunk-a$$ to the curb.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

TJW said:


> Amazing, isn't it ? How this is usually the case. She doesn't give a carpenter's damn about you, but she doesn't want you to have anybody else, either. BTDT. By the grace of God, I didn't marry her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply, my children have already been subjected to some serious emotional abuse/trauma which is my fault also for continuing to enable a toxic household. While trying to change the negative’s but only to make things worse, my children actively tell me off there own back to move on with my life.
I feel completely stuck my ways, my lady friend & I are becoming closer each day but I’m scared off anything happening between us & she is happy for me to take time. I just feel lost in what to do & why I can’t seem to let go.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SIX CHILDREN????

dude, you financially will be destroyed if you divorce her. AND how do you take care of the kids from long distance when she is on a bender.

this is your doing, you could have stopped at two kids, like most do nowadays. but now you have a responsibility for those kids you brought into the world. 
you probably should tough it out, at least until the youngest is 18.

try to separate your life from your wives, but stay in the home. 
try to discuss boundaries with her. 
try to get her into AA


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The faster you make decisions here, the happier you'll be. Either decide to stay or decide to leave. Leaving sounds like the better choice or rather have her move out.

Either way you'll start to heal only after you make some hard choices. You can do it.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

The sad reality is that you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. If you stay, it will not get better. Every day she makes the choice to drink is every day she chooses that over you and the children. You are the one who's been abandoned.

Let your wife leave, file for divorce and rebuild your life. You should try to protect the kids by asking for physical custody. If you have concerns over her ability to protect and care for the youngest ones, it's important you file for divorce asap and request supervised visitation, at least in the interim.

Unfortunately you are likely to be emotionally damaged from this and that will impact your next relationship. While I understand you finding comfort with another I recommend you park that relationship whilst you settle the children again and work on healing you and them from the damage this has caused.

Fight for your children not for your wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Who is going to care for the children if the marriage ends? They could end up part or all the time with an abuser. 

Please stop the cheating until the marriage is over. You are not free right now to be with anyone else. 
Your whole focus needs to be on making sure your children are safe and protected. Leave the dating till that is sorted out.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> SIX CHILDREN????
> 
> dude, you financially will be destroyed if you divorce her. AND how do you take care of the kids from long distance when she is on a bender.
> 
> ...





Talker67 said:


> SIX CHILDREN????
> 
> dude, you financially will be destroyed if you divorce her. AND how do you take care of the kids from long distance when she is on a bender.
> 
> ...


my youngest is 14 & is staying with me.the 16&17 year old will be living with their mother (with their rooms still here if needed) the others live with their partners in their own homes it’s me who has the problem with letting go & having thoughts of actually moving all in as a family only for things to continue I don’t get why I would want that.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Who is going to care for the children if the marriage ends? They could end up part or all the time with an abuser.
> 
> Please stop the cheating until the marriage is over. You are not free right now to be with anyone else.
> Your whole focus needs to be on making sure your children are safe and protected. Leave the dating till that is sorted out.


 the children are growing up our youngest is 14 & she will stay with me 2 older children will go with mum & the others all grown up & moved on in their own homes, I’ve tried to end my emotional affair but feel more pain when i do, we haven’t touched it’s purely chatting & a couple of meets (in secret) but I have said I’m not ready for anything & she completely understands.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> Thank you for your reply, my children have already been subjected to some serious emotional abuse/trauma which is my fault also for continuing to enable a toxic household. While trying to change the negative’s but only to make things worse, my children actively tell me off there own back to move on with my life.
> I feel completely stuck my ways, my lady friend & I are becoming closer each day but I’m scared off anything happening between us & she is happy for me to take time. I just feel lost in what to do & why I can’t seem to let go.


You sound like you are seriously co-dependent if you can't break away from this train wreck.
Talk with your counselor about this.
Start doing the 180 to help yourself detach from her (180 for Betrayed Spouses )

Start doing things for yourself -- work out, start some hobbies, of course ALWAYS be there for your kids -- start doing things with JUST them and not include your wife.

I would also talk to a few lawyers to understand what divorce would look like for you -- at least get the information and get a plan together in case you need it -- it will relieve some of your fear of the unknown.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to get your life sorted before getting involved with someone else. You’ve been in a relationship since you were 16? Take a break for a minute.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You sound like you are seriously co-dependent if you can't break away from this train wreck.
> Talk with your counselor about this.
> Start doing the 180 to help yourself detach from her (180 for Betrayed Spouses )
> 
> ...


Thanks good advice I thought about being codependent a while ago & have noticed how I’ve stopped going places with my wife for over a year now. I just don’t want her to hurt,I’ve seen how low she can get & dysfunctional, I also feel she will have a hard time adjusting & I think that’s where I’m still massively codependent. Divorce is the easy part as we both feel it’s just a piece of paper & there is nothing left to divide.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

Openminded said:


> You need to get your life sorted before getting involved with someone else. You’ve been in a relationship since you were 16? Take a break for a minute.


I want to stop but can’t stop, when we have stopped speaking i noticed it was better for me to concentrate on my life, then we start speaking again & it just feels right even tho I feel shame & guilt.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Detatchedfromlove said:


> I also feel she will have a hard time adjusting & I think that’s where I’m still massively codependent.


You would be correct, there. Fact is, your wife will have a very easy time adjusting, because she is ALREADY ADJUSTED. She couldn't care less if you are there, or you aren't, but if you are, she is going to RIDE you like a pack mule. Your wife is a grown woman, she is responsible for herself AND FOR HER CHILDREN. Make damn sure you get paid child support for the child remaining with you, when you settle. You will have to pay it to her, too.



Detatchedfromlove said:


> I feel shame & guilt.


Yep. Dr. House had the best description of codependency I ever heard when he said to the wife of a hemiplegic man "......you take care of him..... you don't want to......but you'll feel guilty if you don't....".



Detatchedfromlove said:


> I want to stop but can’t stop


Nope. You CAN stop but you don't want to stop..... is the truth.


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## Detatchedfromlove (Dec 16, 2021)

TJW said:


> You would be correct, there. Fact is, your wife will have a very easy time adjusting, because she is ALREADY ADJUSTED. She couldn't care less if you are there, or you aren't, but if you are, she is going to RIDE you like a pack mule. Your wife is a grown woman, she is responsible for herself AND FOR HER CHILDREN. Make damn sure you get paid child support for the child remaining with you, when you settle. You will have to pay it to her, too.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’ve ended my friendship with other women. feel awful tbh but somewhat relieved, the new house is ready this week & I have a big decision to make. Thanks for your advice.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

You want to be with the other woman than go for it. AFTER you completely cut ties with your wife. You may not be happily married but you ARE married. Cheating is a choice. A bad choice. Don't do it. Don't even lean on this other woman for comfort. You're playing with fire.


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