# Intuition or not?



## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Wife and I are in mc for six months now. She was emotionally and verbally abusive for years. Since four months ago has been doing things for me and has quit the overt verbal abuse. She is happy all the time and nice to me. Even texts occasionally, which never happened before. Even with this180 degree turn, something doesn’t feel right to me. My instinct or intuition is causing me to doubt the changes I see. Anybody else have this situation? Another question. If you really love someone why would you verbally and emotionally abuse them? Do they ever really change? We are nice and cordial to each other but I still sometimes feel a knot in my stomach when I go home. Sometimes I get feeling that I’m crazy. I’m not....... I’ve been tested&#55358;&#56618;


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trust your gut. Keep your eyes open. I think that feeling is your brain processing information subconsciously. 

Maybe its something - maybe nothing. But I truly believe we get those weird feelings for a reason.

I think some people can change. Only time will tell.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

As far as I know, psychopaths have a 100% failure rate with talk therapy, all others have varying degrees of success. Perhaps, your wife is one of the lucky ones?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

People do have epiphanies, it often comes when they suddenly realize what they can lose....only time will tell.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife and I are in mc for six months now. She was emotionally and verbally abusive for years. Since four months ago has been doing things for me and has quit the overt verbal abuse. She is happy all the time and nice to me. Even texts occasionally, which never happened before. Even with this180 degree turn, something doesn’t feel right to me. My instinct or intuition is causing me to doubt the changes I see. Anybody else have this situation? Another question. If you really love someone why would you verbally and emotionally abuse them? Do they ever really change? We are nice and cordial to each other but I still sometimes feel a knot in my stomach when I go home. Sometimes I get feeling that I’m crazy. I’m not....... I’ve been tested��


My situation was different but I do understand what you're talking about. My marriage had been up and down more then then wildest rollercoaster. I've caught her texting other men, things would blow up, then eventually get better, but I always had that know in my stomach. And each time that know got worse, and I had a chance to look at her phone, I'd find more texts. I stuck things out in my marriage for over 3 years hoping things would change and get better for the sake of our son. The knot would go away at times but it always came back. I've had the feeling again for a while and recently had the chance to look at her phone once again and found more texts. This time they were texts that proved an affair and not just texts. Your heart will lead you in many different directions and not all of them are ever right. The one big thing I have learned through all the problems with my marriage over the years is that if your gut is telling you something, I mean really telling you something, listen to it because it's right.

In your case you have two options. You can either wait it out and wait for attitude and abuse to come out again, see if it's at least better then it was before and less often, or you can do little things that you know used to set her off to try and bait it out her. Maybe counseling is working. Maybe when it comes out next time it won't be as bad as before and will gradually go away. With this one it really is a "only time will tell" situation. Good luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Uselessmale said:


> Wife and I are in mc for six months now. She was emotionally and verbally abusive for years. Since four months ago has been doing things for me and has quit the overt verbal abuse. She is happy all the time and nice to me. Even texts occasionally, which never happened before. Even with this180 degree turn, something doesn’t feel right to me. My instinct or intuition is causing me to doubt the changes I see. Anybody else have this situation? Another question. If you really love someone why would you verbally and emotionally abuse them? Do they ever really change? We are nice and cordial to each other but I still sometimes feel a knot in my stomach when I go home. Sometimes I get feeling that I’m crazy. I’m not....... I’ve been tested


Who’s idea was it to go to marriage counseling,hers,yours or both.
She is doing what you presumably wanted with regards to the counseling,her behavior has improved and she has the stopped the verbal abuse.
But did you go into this allready resigned to the idea you’re marriage was over,if so then you are subconsciously refusing to accept her improvements and she will never convince you that she is capable of changing.
The ball is in your court,she has kept her side of the bargain but can you keep yours.
Or did you ever intend to keep it?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

So, people are unlikely to chance but obviously there are cases where people do. 

My first thought, if she has been doing this for 4 months, that seems like a pretty damn good start. Seems like most people that have these issues would not be able to keep it up for that long unless they are making a real concerted effort to be a better human being. Stay alert but take the progress for what it is right now.


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## Jdwino92 (Jun 8, 2018)

Can I ask what sparked the change four months ago?


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

My idea for mc found a female counselor and made the appointment. The tipping point came mid December she travelled the last two weeks of the month. I definitely would have been gone at that point had we had to be together at that time. You are very perceptive I have been accused of not trying to make this marriage work. Just that the abuse and no sex for years, I guess I’m Leary. Each time I decide I want to jump back in something stops me.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Change started when she figured out I was serious. She doesn’t remember instances of losing her temper, ,or calling names or other things even though I had specifics for some of these situations.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Has she said anything in mc that indicates to you she has had a few ah-ha moments? Is she taking responsibility for any of her actions during mc sessions?

The fact that she seems to "forget" abusive behavior would make me somewhat suspicious as to her change being genuine.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

She has apologized for everything. Said that it was my opinion or interpretation of what she said or did and I just take things wrong sometimes. She Doesn’t seem to want to get to deep, other than telling me she will do whatever it takes to save us, and she doesn’t know what else to do. I end up doing most of the talking exposing my vulnerabilities and she stays quiet. Mc tends to seem to side with her that I need to just forget the past and go on from here.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

do you think she is or was cheating on you ? sometimes spouses who play the blame game, who abuse their spouse are doing so to make them the evil so it helps justify their actions in their minds.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

I have suggested IC for her as has her best friend. She won’t do it. She doesn’t think my IC is ineffective bc I was told she won’t change and I should get out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Mc tends to seem to side with her that I need to just forget the past and go on from here." 
NO NO NO NO. You have a lousy MC if this is the case. Rug sweeping NEVER solves the problem. You need to explore to see WHY she was so abusive, and even MORE important, how this miraculous change came about....


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> She has apologized for everything. Said that it was my opinion or interpretation of what she said or did and I just take things wrong sometimes. She Doesn’t seem to want to get to deep, other than telling me she will do whatever it takes to save us, and she doesn’t know what else to do. I end up doing most of the talking exposing my vulnerabilities and she stays quiet. Mc tends to seem to side with her that I need to just forget the past and go on from here.


Yes, in order for it to work you do need to put the past behind you and move forward from this point. I know that's easier said then done but if you keep bringing up the past outside of counseling it'll just make things harder. Personally, I don't like how you say she stays quiet during counseling. The counseling sessions should be where she's voicing her feelings on everything, but if she is saying that she'll do whatever it takes and you've seen an improvement then just roll with it and see what happens. Maybe she has had a few "ah ha" moments but is too embarrassed to admit to them.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Don’t think she was cheating but travels a lot for work. I’ve had my suspicions. Even though she would be the last one you’d think would stray.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Uselessmale said:


> I have suggested IC for her as has her best friend. She won’t do it. She doesn’t think my IC is ineffective bc I was told she won’t change and I should get out.


recently I have seen close-up, IC ending more marriages than saving them as they are intended to be focused on the needs of just the one person and the perceived happiness of them.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Truth is that this has taken a toll on me. I’m tired, and she just acts like everything is ok.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MC and IC have completely different goals and clients.

MC is responsible to the marriage, not to any individual. If you go in with the stated goal of fixing or saving the marriage, that is what the counselor will do. Hence they will focus on moving forward. You have brought up her past behavior, she has said she feels badly, she says she will work hard at changing, and she is in fact behaving differently now. Thus it makes total sense the counselor would tell you at some point in time you need to just let the past go if you are going to go forward.

IC is responsible to you the individual. The marriage is not relevant at all. Your counselor must consider your health and safety firstly, and then help you towards your stated goal. The goal could be to find a way to improve your marriage, or it could be your overall happiness. If the counselor judges your marriage is not going to ever meet your individual needs then they are free to say your best move is to leave the marriage. It could be you with a mindset that can't be changed to fit the marriage circumstances, it could be your wife has issues which can't be fixed.

It is entirely possible you get good but conflicting advice from your IC and MC. Keep in mind the focus of each of them when weighing their advice.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

After all you've been through it is possible she is making a genuine effort at changing but you are past the point of no return in being able to feel happy to be around her. This happens a lot, where one person has become emotionally exhausted and cannot return to the relationship. You shouldn't feel guilty if this is you.

You're not under any obligation to stay even if she has changed.

The only way to know if her changes are authentic is if she is 100% consistent over a long period of time.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Thor thanks for the insight. Grew up in a abusive home and then married one. I have made up my mind there are parts of me that I will never allow anyone into ever again.. probably be lonely the rest of my life but being lonely alone is better than being lonely and married.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Uselessmale said:


> Change started when she figured out I was serious. She doesn’t remember instances of losing her temper, ,or calling names or other things even though I had specifics for some of these situations.


My separated wife has completely rewritten history of the last 10 years. Not specifically with me, but with her children as well esp DD1. She believes these never took place.

As such she's as innocent as a dove. 

If op's wife acknowledges her past behavior and does not appear contrived, it's possible she's truthful. Otherwise..


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

"She has apologized for everything. Said that it was my opinion or interpretation of what she said or did and I just take things wrong sometimes."

I didn't have the heart to play back for her benefit her "best of" faithfully recorded by our house security DVR... Public rooms only, thankfully.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Thor said:


> After all you've been through it is possible she is making a genuine effort at changing but you are past the point of no return in being able to feel happy to be around her. This happens a lot, where one person has become emotionally exhausted and cannot return to the relationship. You shouldn't feel guilty if this is you.
> 
> You're not under any obligation to stay even if she has changed.
> 
> The only way to know if her changes are authentic is if she is 100% consistent over a long period of time.


That’s the way I feel. Been hanging on to see if it changes, and I feel a spark again. So far still am ambivalent or numb to the relationship. No passion for any relationship now.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Uselessmale said:


> Thor thanks for the insight. Grew up in a abusive home and then married one. I have made up my mind there are parts of me that I will never allow anyone into ever again.. probably be lonely the rest of my life but being lonely alone is better than being lonely and married.


I hope you change your mind. Being very vulnerable with someone you trust with that vulnerability is one of the best feelings I have experienced. The juice is worth the squeeze.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> "Mc tends to seem to side with her that I need to just forget the past and go on from here."
> NO NO NO NO. You have a lousy MC if this is the case. Rug sweeping NEVER solves the problem. You need to explore to see WHY she was so abusive, and even MORE important, how this miraculous change came about....


:iagree:

If you don't get to the root of WHY she did those things, then the risk of it repeating will always be there. This needs to be FIXED, not just forgiven and moved past.


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