# I want marriage, he doesn't



## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

We've been dating 3 years, living together for 1.5 years. I want to get married, he says he doesn't because it changes people. He says he's not saying he won't ever marry me, just not now. We've both been in previous long term marriages. We are both early 50's. We both talk about plans for the future, our goals are much the same, about the only thing we don't agree on is marriage. If it matters (and it always matters, right?) he would struggle financially more than I would if we go our separate ways. So no I"m not wanting marriage for the financial security. 

Anyone else in this situation and how did it pan out? I'm not, today, at this very moment, willing to walk away from an other wise great relationship over the marriage issue. I do know it will eventually cause resentment, which poisons a relationship.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Before you moved in together was marriage discussed at all? What was his stance on it then?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Three years is plenty of time for him to know which side of his toast is buttered. If he's still got cold feet, buy him a pair of socks, dump him, and find a guy that doesn't have a circulation problem. He apparently wants a different level of commitment than the one you are looking for.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

We didn't discuss marriage in depth, no. I would never have moved in with him had I not thought we were heading for marriage. I know - HUGE mistake, but that's where I am now.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want to get married, you should move out and revert to a dating relationship. A man who is already getting all the benefits of marriage through sex and cohabiation will not see a need to get married


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> We didn't discuss marriage in depth, no. I would never have moved in with him had I not thought we were heading for marriage. I know - HUGE mistake, but that's where I am now.


What are your reasons for wanting to be married? I'm just curious. 

I can't get on board with pressuring someone to get married bc it was done to me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just because a guy likes milk doesn't mean he wants to be a dairy farmer.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If you're not prepared to walk away from the relationship, I certainly wouldn't coerce him or give him any ultimatums. However, in your shoes, I think I'd quietly set a time limit on the relationship, because that way I'd feel that I had a measure of control and would be less likely to feel resentful.

There are legal benefits to being married, and if I'm living with someone who doesn't want me to have those benefits I wouldn't want to plan a long term future with them.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you're not willing to leave then drop it. You pushing for it while still providing all of the benefits for him makes you look weak and needy. FYI, my bf was dragging his feet after 3 years of dating when I told him that I wanted to be married and if he didn't that was ok. I then told him I'd never bring it up again but I would start looking elsewhere. He started talking marriage after that; we got engaged 2 years later, he planned a lot of the wedding, and we got married a year later. We've been married for two years now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I had to talk someone into it, I wouldn't want it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

OP, if you are uncomfortable with the situation you should get your own place. Then you can date him or not. Right now he's the one with the added financial security -- having you living with him. All the benefits of marriage with none of the burdens. If you didn't want marriage and were okay with that it would be fine. But you aren't. And you can only change yourself.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I personally won't live with a man unless I'm married to him. This is my personal preference.

I really don't see why a 50 year old man would decide to get married if he is happy the way things currently are. I highly assume that he has no intentions of marrying you and that's really too bad. I'm sorry your in this situation. I guess you'll have to continue on like this or leave.

Good luck.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It's not about pressuring someone to marry you. I would NEVER recommend that.
> 
> It's a personal boundary. She wants to get married. He doesn't. If it's a deal breaker she should simply move out and find someone that does want marriage.
> 
> After 3 years this guy should know where he stands. He said it and now the ball is in her court.


There were suggestions of moving out to go back to a dating situation with him basically in hopes of getting him to come around to the idea of marriage.That's not anything but pressure and manipulation.

He's afraid things will change after they're married. That's a very valid fear for him to have and it isn't fair that she isn't acknowledging that fear. He's not stringing her along with promises of marriage that never happened,he's being open and expressing his hang up.With most marriages ending in divorce,I can't say I blame him for being afraid of losing what they have after marriage.

If she leaves then she leaves and that's it.She needs to find someone new rather than manipulate her current partner by moving out and playing the dating game with him again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think most 50 year old women who have cohabitated or remained sexually exclusive with one man for over 3 years would expect a marriage proposal, especially if the guy had been making long-term future plans.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You say that the two of you dated for 18 months before you moved in together so why on earth did you not sort this out then. Why wait until you have been living together for a further 18 months before discussing it.

Now that you have found out that you do not share the long term goal of marriage (or at least have a different timescale) you need to decide if either one or both of you is willing to compromise. Whatever you do pushing or forcing someone to marry against their better judgment would be wrong.

If you are set on marriage in the short term then you could be looking in the wrong place.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

That's the thing about expectations.If you don't voice them from the start and find out the other person's expectations too then you're screwed with the outcome. 
One would think someone in their 50's who has been married and divorced already would know a thing or two about communicating expectations clearly ahead of time to avoid these sort of hurtful situations.

But it is what it is,of course. She can leave and start over or she can continue talking with him about marriage and get him to understand things don't have to change just bc marriage happens.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

I have no intentions of trying to force him to do anything. I wouldn't want to marry him if he had an reservations about it. 

As to why I want to get married? I feel like it's the ultimate commitment to ourselves and relationship. Financially - I want to buy a home (sold mine in divorce). I'd like that home to be ours (he wants this too). Right now we live in his house. I will not co-mingle that kind of money/responsibility/loan with a non-spouse. We want to buy retirement property, again, not happening with a non-spouse. I want to share the same last name. I want the world to know that we have made the ultimate commitment to each other. I want him to have the legal authority if I become sick, and the same for him.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Scarlet - I realize the marriage conversation should have happened awhile ago. Saying that again doesn't change the situation. Clearly I lack in my communication skills.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think you can buy property with whomever and you can legally change your name to Winnie the Pooh if that's what you want. Maybe what you want is evidence that your partner is equally as committed to the relationship as you are.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> I have no intentions of trying to force him to do anything. I wouldn't want to marry him if he had an reservations about it.
> 
> As to why I want to get married? I feel like it's the ultimate commitment to ourselves and relationship. Financially - I want to buy a home (sold mine in divorce). I'd like that home to be ours (he wants this too). Right now we live in his house. I will not co-mingle that kind of money/responsibility/loan with a non-spouse. We want to buy retirement property, again, not happening with a non-spouse. I want to share the same last name. I want the world to know that we have made the ultimate commitment to each other. I want him to have the legal authority if I become sick, and the same for him.


:smthumbup: Thanks for giving your reasons. They are definitely reasonable. They're mostly about security which is a bit easier for a person to digest over the purely romantic reasons most people provide.
I hope he can understand your reasons for wanting marriage aren't all about you but that you're trying to do what's best for him as well.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My father lived with a woman for 5 years who wanted to get married. He was comfortable with living together & wasn't sure he wanted to get married. He lived in her home. She was a wonderful woman who took great care of him. She decided to let him go & look for someone who wanted to get married even though she loved him very much. They simply had different long term goals.

6 months later he married her & they were happily married for 20 yrs. before his death. 

I think if you want marriage, you need to have the courage to let him go.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My ex wouldn't marry me.I wanted security and all the other romantic things that went along with the marriage thing since I had never done it before.He kept stringing me along so I left.He came crawling to me with a ring and we were married 3 months later.I spent the rest of that marriage knowing the only reason he married me was bc he didn't want to lose me and not bc he really wanted to be my husband.

My SO tried to pressure me into marriage.He didn't leave though.He just kept pleading his case to me.I weighed his reasons for marriage with my reasons for not wanting marriage. My only reason was fear of failure.So we came to an agreement that suited both our needs.We're getting married in two weeks and we both feel very comfortable with our choices.

I guess it can go either way depending on the people involved.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Three years is plenty of time for him to know which side of his toast is buttered. If he's still got cold feet, buy him a pair of socks, dump him, and find a guy that doesn't have a circulation problem.


I don't know why some people are out to vilify this guy. If he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want to. Nothing wrong with that, in and of itself. 

I know this sounds strange on a marriage forum, but why get married? Especially in your 50s when you probably aren't planning to have any more children. The benefits of marriage don't necessarily outweigh the drawbacks anymore. Getting married means you need the government's permission to stop sharing your life and your bank account with another person. 

To the OP, I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you are looking for financial security, then maybe right now it's better to start talking about that aspect of the problem instead of marriage. There might be another solution for you both. 

If marriage is important to you from a spiritual/religious perspective, then make that very clear to your partner. Don't set arbitrary deadlines, but make it clear what you want and slowly draw up a plan to support yourself, if need be.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

If you want to get married and he doesn't, find someone new. There is nothing wrong with him not wanting to get married, BUT you want that and somehow he is not meeting your needs of feeling loved and wanted. This could be due to your feelings of inadequacy but either way look out for yourself and find someone who is THRILLED to be with you and wants what you want! If men don't want to get married, a ceremony won't make them be "married" if you know what I mean.

Thank him for the honest reply and if I were you, and I have a lot of experience in this area, I would find someone who loves you more!

Well said Emerald.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> We've been dating 3 years, living together for 1.5 years. I want to get married, he says he doesn't because it changes people. He says he's not saying he won't ever marry me, just not now.


What he's saying doesn't make a lot of sense. He doesn't want to get married because it changes people, but he might marry you sometime in the future? Why? He thinks marriage won't change you if he waits some undetermined amount of time? Or he's purposely being vague to string you along?

Did you ask him any questions about this? You should. The answers you are seeking can only come from him. Discuss his feelings about marriage in detail so that you really understand what he means, tell him about your thoughts, talk about timelines. Find out what he means about marriage changing people, and give some thought to whether he could ever feel comfortable about that. If he's convinced marriage changes a couple for the worse, that's something he might never change his mind about. What could possibly change his mind about it?

Also, if you want to buy a home someday, start looking for one. It may help clarify for you what is most important - buying a home and taking the steps you need to have the kind of future you want, or living in a home with the man in your life. It may also help clarify things for him, as well. Knowing that you are prepared to move on with the life you want to have even if that means not waiting around forever for him to make a decision on marriage, might help clarify what he feels for you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> I have no intentions of trying to force him to do anything. I wouldn't want to marry him if he had an reservations about it.
> 
> As to why I want to get married? I feel like it's the ultimate commitment to ourselves and relationship. Financially - I want to buy a home (sold mine in divorce). I'd like that home to be ours (he wants this too). Right now we live in his house. I will not co-mingle that kind of money/responsibility/loan with a non-spouse. We want to buy retirement property, again, not happening with a non-spouse. I want to share the same last name. I want the world to know that we have made the ultimate commitment to each other. I want him to have the legal authority if I become sick, and the same for him.


:iagree: I'm in your age bracket, OP, and I'd never make major, joint financial investments in a relationship that didn't have the law to protect both of our interests should something go wrong. I've seen such arrangements go badly awry, and if the relationship wasn't committed enough for marriage, it wouldn't be committed enough for me to invest in financially.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Thanks everyone - I appreciate your responses.

He's a great guy, I'm just not sure I want to be a girlfriend the rest of my life.  Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but there's something to being able to say "This is my husband" . I was in a very long term marriage that did not work out. I'm still of the opinion that marriage can be a beautiful thing. 

Cosmo - My point exactly. 

I think my best course is to just step back, start a bit of the uncoupling, and get serious on the search for a house.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If marriage us important to you and he knows it, then begin move away without making any declaration. Searching for new house is a step. You can move out and continue to be his girlfriend, you can even invite him to stay over. You must keep it light hearted. Give him time to absorb the potential loss. Be only cheerful. He may Discovery a tremendous need for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

I'm curious if he's bringing more assets to the table and would have more to loose if (statistically more like "when") a divorce happens. I wonder if OP had more assets if she'd push for marriage as much. If I were in my 50's, I'd only remarry if there was a significant financial advantage. Plus you have to consider that he might fear the common bait and switch move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

The financial gain would be a distinct advantage for HIM. What exactly is the common bait and switch move?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trudy Abby said:


> The financial gain would be a distinct advantage for HIM. What exactly is the common bait and switch move?



Gotta love the assumption that men are somehow doing us women a big fat favor financially to marry us, like none of us come to the table with our own assets (and they have so many assets to offer). You sound like a pretty shrewd lady; probably the only questionable judgment you've displayed is moving in with him without discussing marriage, but even if you had he likely would've backed out once you were moved in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## herblackwings (May 16, 2013)

Bait and switch is when a woman (typically its the female) engages in crazy frequent sex which mysteriously disappears shortly after tying the knot. If things work out and you 2 do get married, please protect your assets with a prenup. Good luck.

By the way there are ways to do all the things you wish with him and keep the assets seperate. It might involve contracts etc... But you don't need to be married to have a retirement home.
It's more work splitting those things after a divorce than it would be to set them up in an equitable fashion before hand. If you truly love him, why not investigate some alternative ways of keeping you lives together without the ridiculous marriage contract?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I think most 50 year old women who have cohabitated or remained sexually exclusive with one man for over 3 years would expect a marriage proposal, especially if the guy had been making long-term future plans.


I am over 50. I cohabitated in my last relationship for 4+ years. It ended because he had an EA (among other things). 

*I* was the one who did not want to get married. I told him when we first got together that I wasn't looking to get married. I never waivered from my stance. He also said that he wasn't looking to get married either. I also told him that if he ever changes his mind that we needed to have a "talk". Toward the end of our relationship, he started hinting about marriage. Since he hinted about 2 or 3 times over the course of about 10 days, I only started to think that he might be changing his mind. Never had that "talk" with him. 

I'm glad we weren't married. It would have made splitting up a lot more difficult, to say the least. But even if we were married, it wouldn't have stopped him from having his EA, and it only MIGHT have caused him to think twice about divorcing. After all, he also cheated on his first wife...

I did a lot of research about marriage, mostly for my own benefit. I wondered WHY people were still getting married, even though an unmarried couple can do MOST of the things that a married couple can do. And unmarried couple can:

Purchase property together
Be put on each other's health insurance
Bequeath money/property to one another
Have children
Have joint bank accounts and other asset accounts
Have the same decision making 'powers' in medical situations (hospitals, ambulance, etc.)
Make medical/scholastic decisions about your partner's minor children

If they separate, they can still collect child support. Dividing up assets can be just as "messy" as if married. 

This short-list isn't exhaustive by any means, and there would probably be some additional paperwork. But nonetheless, the _results_ can be the same as if married, or pretty close to it. 

Marriage doesn't seem to hold the same meaning for people as it used to. I have an unmarried friend who has been living with her boyfriend since the late 1980's. Their relationship has outlived virtually ALL of our other friends' _marriages_. 

Marriage CAN and DOES 'change' _some_ people. Some people 'relax' and 'let their hair down' after marriage, only for their partner to be STUNNED by this 'other person' they married. Some use marriage as a way to say, "GOTCHA!" knowing their spouse will think twice...and even _thrice_ about ending the marriage. 

Many people aren't even equipped to have a _relationship_, let alone a marriage! Most have *no idea how *to communicate effectively...what to do when beliefs clash...how to argue without hitting below the belt. They get married with the belief that they're automatically entitled to sex whenever they want. Meanwhile, their partner may believe that they're entitled to WITHHOLD sex "just because". Use to be that if a woman said 'no' to sex, it was a 'virtue'. Nowadays, it's considered a _pathology_! Even normal _compassion_ is viewed as dysfunctional _codependence_! 

People are divorcing at alarming rates. We have about a 50% chance of marrying ONCE in our lives, until 'death do us part'. But the rates of cheating are also alarming. The odds of marrying once AND neither party cheating --EVER--are much _LESS_ than 50%. 

Is it any wonder why your boyfriend may not be too keen on saying "I do"?

Vega


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Oh hell, I don't even want to marry myself now!


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Honestly, I must put in my 2cents here again. Don't marry someone out of fear. Don't do ANYTHING out of fear, fear of consequences, fear of losing him. DON'T DO ANYTHING OUT OF FEAR!

After my divorce, I say this, marriage should be based on love. What are you looking for? If it is love, and he loves you the way he should to make a marriage work out then he will not leave you. 

He doesn't want to marry you but he will but a house with you? Buh bye. Thanks, but no thanks. If I want a business partner I will "hire" accordingly.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> My ex wouldn't marry me.I wanted security and all the other romantic things that went along with the marriage thing since I had never done it before.He kept stringing me along so I left.He came crawling to me with a ring and we were married 3 months later.I spent the rest of that marriage knowing the only reason he married me was bc he didn't want to lose me and not bc he really wanted to be my husband.
> 
> My SO tried to pressure me into marriage.He didn't leave though.He just kept pleading his case to me.I weighed his reasons for marriage with my reasons for not wanting marriage. My only reason was fear of failure.So we came to an agreement that suited both our needs.*We're getting married in two weeks and we both feel very comfortable with our choices.*
> 
> I guess it can go either way depending on the people involved.



FINALLY! Congratulations! Now, about kids ....

Okay, just kidding! May you have many joyful years together.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> After my divorce, I say this, marriage should be based on love. What are you looking for? If it is love, and he loves you the way he should to make a marriage work out then he will not leave you.


I'm sorry, but I don't agree. People may marry "for love", but they divorce because of _immaturity_. How often do we hear people say, "I'm divorcing him/her, but I still _love_ him/her"?

It's because the _feelings_ of 'love' aren't enough to sustain a marriage. Honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, patience, consistency, fidelity, honor, industriousness and other noble character traits are necessary to sustain a marriage. If any one of them is missing or lacking, it can be _lethal_ to the marriage. 

I loved my exh. for many years. But I couldn't tolerate his addiction to pornography (hidden from me until after marriage), his lying and deceitfulness, his disregard for others, his selfishness, controlling ways and impatience. To name a few. 

Nowadays, I love him from afar...

Vega


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> FINALLY! Congratulations! Now, about kids ....
> 
> Okay, just kidding! May you have many joyful years together.


Actually, kids SHOULD be discussed NOW, BEFORE the two of you get married! Unfortunately, there are some things that should be worked out BEFORE marriage in order to save both of you problems later on down the line. After all, what if you FIRST discover--after the child is 2 years old--that your partner is a "spanker" and YOU don't believe in corporal punishment? 

Just think of how many divorces would be prevented if people actually TALKED *before* marrying in the first place! 

Vega


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Vega I don't think you were really disagreeing, just being a bit defensive. I too love from afar and eventually that love fades.

I talked with my ex, he wanted 5 kids and a home. We had it all set through talking. As it turns out I was talking with a pathological liar. He freaked our after 2 kids and refused to buy a home.

Good luck on the marriage ScreletBegonias. I hope you find a true partner to trust and to help you go through life with in a happy, healthy manner.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Vega said:


> Actually, kids SHOULD be discussed NOW, BEFORE the two of you get married! Unfortunately, there are some things that should be worked out BEFORE marriage in order to save both of you problems later on down the line. After all, what if you FIRST discover--after the child is 2 years old--that your partner is a "spanker" and YOU don't believe in corporal punishment?
> 
> Just think of how many divorces would be prevented if people actually TALKED *before* marrying in the first place!
> 
> Vega


Of course kids should be discussed! Isn't that pre-marital 101? I thought it was kind of obvious from my comment that SB has talked about marrying her SO before ...


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Of course kids should be discussed! Isn't that pre-marital 101? I thought it was kind of obvious from my comment that SB has talked about marrying her SO before ...


:smthumbup:

Have a great day ladies.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> :smthumbup:
> 
> Have a great day ladies.


LOL! I hear ya! I'm having very cranky day today.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Of course kids should be discussed! Isn't that pre-marital 101? I thought it was kind of obvious from my comment that SB has talked about marrying her SO before ...


While it 'should' be _obvious_ to discuss major issues BEFORE marriage, I know that there are many people who read these forums who are COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to such an obvious concept. It may appear like I'm _overstating the obvious_ to YOU, but believe me...there are PLENTY of people who don't discuss things like children, discipline, finances, sex, religion etc. BEFORE marriage. 

And when the time comes, they discover that they're on opposite ends of the spectrum with their partner! Neither is willing to budge an inch. They eventually divorce and wonder what the heck happened. 

No offense meant, but I apologize if I came across as offensive.



Vega


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Vega said:


> While it 'should' be _obvious_ to discuss major issues BEFORE marriage, I know that there are many people who read these forums who are COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to such an obvious concept. It may appear like I'm _overstating the obvious_ to YOU, but believe me...there are PLENTY of people who don't discuss things like children, discipline, finances, sex, religion etc. BEFORE marriage.
> 
> And when the time comes, they discover that they're on opposite ends of the spectrum with their partner! Neither is willing to budge an inch. They eventually divorce and wonder what the heck happened.
> 
> ...


I guess what I was trying to say is I was joking with SB because I have told her before she should go ahead and marry that man. So the joke was me further getting in her business by saying something about kids.

No offense taken, just the cranky in me coming out that my comment was misunderstood.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I guess what I was trying to say is I was joking with SB because I have told her before she should go ahead and marry that man. So the joke was me further getting in her business by saying something about kids.
> 
> No offense taken, just the cranky in me coming out that my comment was misunderstood.


YOU?! Cranky?!! Naaaah! I've been on this board long enough to 'get' your style of writing! Believe me, I 'got' the joke! I was simply adding an 'addendum' just in case someone else (mostly non-members) didn't quite get it.  You and me...we're good! :smthumbup:

Vega


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Vega said:


> YOU?! Cranky?!! Naaaah! I've been on this board long enough to 'get' your style of writing! Believe me, I 'got' the joke! I was simply adding an 'addendum' just in case someone else (mostly non-members) didn't quite get it.  You and me...we're good! :smthumbup:
> 
> Vega


:smthumbup:


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## Jackie1607 (Jan 22, 2013)

Trudy Abby said:


> I have no intentions of trying to force him to do anything. I wouldn't want to marry him if he had an reservations about it.
> 
> As to why I want to get married? I feel like it's the ultimate commitment to ourselves and relationship. Financially - I want to buy a home (sold mine in divorce). I'd like that home to be ours (he wants this too). Right now we live in his house. I will not co-mingle that kind of money/responsibility/loan with a non-spouse. We want to buy retirement property, again, not happening with a non-spouse. I want to share the same last name. I want the world to know that we have made the ultimate commitment to each other. I want him to have the legal authority if I become sick, and the same for him.



I like your "want the world to know that we have made the ultimate commitment to each other." I really do. 

Some may attack the statement as "marriage doesn't secure anything," or so, but I do understand your thinking as a 47 year old single woman.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Jackie1607 said:


> I like your "want the world to know that we have made the ultimate commitment to each other." I really do.
> 
> Some may attack the statement as "marriage doesn't secure anything," or so, but I do understand your thinking as a 47 year old single woman.


Thank you. 

Marriage doesn't secure anything, true. For me, it's hard to separate love and marriage. One happens, then the other, it's just a natural progression. I still believe marriage is a beautiful thing. I'm so not hip!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> FINALLY! Congratulations! Now, about kids ....
> 
> Okay, just kidding! May you have many joyful years together.





Vega said:


> Actually, kids SHOULD be discussed NOW, BEFORE the two of you get married! Unfortunately, there are some things that should be worked out BEFORE marriage in order to save both of you problems later on down the line. After all, what if you FIRST discover--after the child is 2 years old--that your partner is a "spanker" and YOU don't believe in corporal punishment?
> 
> Just think of how many divorces would be prevented if people actually TALKED *before* marrying in the first place!
> 
> Vega


We aren't having children together. I have a son but am unable to have more and he doesn't want children of his own.

We discussed these things during the beginning of the relationship probably about the 2nd or 3rd date. Casually of course then more in depth later.


Thanks for the congrats!


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

UPDATE: 3 months later

After starting this thread and reading the responses, I reflected again on why marriage is important to me. I realized I what I really wanted was the ability to have him be able to make decisions on my behalf in the case of illness, to have him be able to take over my estate (when that happens, knock on wood) and I wanted to buy a home together. More secondarily, I wanted to share a family name together, as a show of our ultimate commitment to each other. 

After the rude awakening I got when he declared he did not want to marry (maybe some time later he said), I was hurt and surprised. But, as some of you pointed out, there are ways to get everything I wanted without marriage. I had never really stopped to think about it before. As I noted earlier, I'm so not hip! In my head you fall in love, you get married. But, after really really thinking about it, I'm actually fine not getting married. 

So, I found a beautiful house I'm buying next week. And the boyfriend changed his mind about getting married really quickly once I told him I was fine NOT getting married. Figures, huh?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Omg that is so funny, Trudy! 

Congrats on the new beautiful home and your impending nuptials! Have you guys set a date?  Very cool!


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Oops. I was not clear. I no longer really want to get married. We have no plans to do so, although he wants to now. 

I bought the house I wanted without him. He will live with me there.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you want a marriage or a wedding. I think most women just want a wedding; However, you being in your 50s maybe not. I do agree marriage tends to change things.

When my wife and I were dating we were always talking about how we were going to be making love every nite. That lasted about a week and a half after we got married, then I was put on an allowance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Trudy Abby said:


> Oops. I was not clear. I no longer really want to get married. We have no plans to do so, although he wants to now.
> 
> I bought the house I wanted without him. He will live with me there.


Congratulations on your new home!


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Good for you, Trudy. Did you buy the house on your own or are you both co-signers?

For the above person who said women only want the wedding. I disagree. I wanted marriage for the ultimate commitment to stand up in front of family and friends and pledge your love for one another through thick and thin. 

Yes, in both cases - marriage and long term dating you can walk away at any time, however it's not quite so easy with marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Interesting, I wonder if he changed his mind when he realized that since he's not your hb he has no claim whatsoever so your beautiful new house. You can throw him out any time you want; i'm not sure I'd want to marry him now either. Men are often fond of pointing out the risks they take with marriage, but in this case what's really in it for you to marry him right now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Muffin - Yes I'm buying the house in my name only. He is not a co signer. 

Lifeistooshort - No I don't think the house and him having no claim on it factors into his rethinking his stance on marriage. He actually came around to being interested in marriage within a few days of our original conversation. I'm the one that actually decided marriage might not be for me. I didn't start looking for a house until about a month after his change of heart.

There is no financial gain for me to marry him. I love him. It's that simple.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trudy, I get that. There wasn't any more financial gain for me to marry my hb than there was for him to marry me. I love him and he loves me. I only asked because in my experience part of the reason men can be hesitant to marry is because they buy into the notion that they bring more to the table and have more to lose. Perhaps at one time this was true, and kids certainly muddy these waters, but at your age (and mine) I don't think that's necessarily true. The other reason is that a small part of their brain wonders if they can do better, but in the mean time they still have you. Maybe you deciding you don't need to marry him lets him know he's not guaranteed you'll always be there, thus he had to contemplate life without you. When that happens marriage looks much more appealing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Trudy Abby said:


> So no I"m not wanting marriage for the financial security.



So why do you want to be married? 

I know it sounds like a strange thing to say on a marriage forum, but what would be the advantage for you here?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> So why do you want to be married?
> 
> I know it sounds like a strange thing to say on a marriage forum, but what would be the advantage for you here?



Maybe here's your answer?




Trudy Abby said:


> Oops. I was not clear. * I no longer really want to get married. * We have no plans to do so, although he wants to now.
> 
> I bought the house I wanted without him. He will live with me there.


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