# Advice on Living With Adult Children



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

My 24 year-old step son and his girlfriend have been living at our house since this past December when they graduated from college. She was employed by January. He couldn't find anything and works for my husband with pay. 

Today, I was looking for stuff to donate to Goodwill and I went throughout the house. I went downstairs to the room the son and girlfriend occupy which was formerly occupied by my daughter. My husband mentioned before he left on on trip to drop off stuff that he wished he could borrow his son's truck to make it easier.

He came back and I mentioned that I was in his son's room looking for stuff of my daughter's to donate and happened to see the keys to his truck. Husband initially said he felt uncomfortable about borrowing the truck as I believe he had called the son while driving the first trip and the son said the keys weren't there. Husband then said he felt uncomfortable about my being in his son's room and I explained why. I thought we were ok. 

After his next trip he became argumentative and said he couldn't trust me. I explained again that I was in the room for at best 2 minutes with no malfeasance. The keys just caught my eye as they were out in plain sight on top of the dresser. Because my husband had become verbally aggressive I pushed back and asked him "What's the difference between what I did and his son going into our bedroom to access the linen closet for towels?

A few weeks ago, he got very defensive because I was asking him and my son if they saw a baking dish. My husband went on the defensive and demanded to know what that dish cost me and he'd write me a check. I texted his son to see if he knew where it was because I was going to use it. The son had taken it to a party, left it at his girlfriend's parent's house and would bring it back. I was fine as long as I knew where it was.

A few things: 1) the house we live in is in my name and I pay the mortgage and the utilities, 2) the son and girlfriend both work but do not pay. They will occasionally stay at her parent's house. 3) there are still items not belonging to the son and the girlfriend in the room that they are occupying. 

I didn't see that I did anything wrong. Has any of you dealt with this?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

If they are both working, may I ask why they aren't paying any rent?

As for the dish and entering the bedroom, that sounds like a lot of boundary crossing to me. Your step-son should never have borrowed something that wasn't his (and then leave it behind) without asking you, it's not his. You should have asked them if it was okay to enter the room or bring anything that wasn't there own out so you could look through it.

Yes, it is 'your' house but you have made an agreement to let them live within that room and entering it is an invasion of privacy.

You mentioned that you pay the mortgage and the utilities ... what does your husband contribute?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I disagree with daddio.


It is your house...they are guests. 
You weren't snooping. Asking the step-son about the dish no big deal.

Getting the keys when the son said they weren't there.......that probably crossed the line. Son didn't want dad to use the truck...so instead of giving the real reason he said the keys aren't there....you going in and finding them right on top of the dresser..should have been a hint that son didn't want the truck borrowed for whatever reason. You saw them and should have just let it be and got whatever daughters stuff you needed and exited the room.

They've been ther 7 months....that's another whole ball of wax


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

1) I had no say about their moving in thus no formal arrangement on rent or other arrangements. I try to bite my tongue because the situation could be reversed if my daughter graduates w/o a job right away. I voiced my displeasure with the Girlfriend living here the Summer before to my Husband stating this was not my parenting style and if it was done for his son it would put me in a spot if my daughter wanted to live with a boyfriend in our house. Hubby states they are saving up to live in an apt but want to live in an expensive trendy area...

2) Son has borrowed or moved my stuff out of the house to storage (the latter with my Husband's blessing nobody thought that I should be looped in). I texted my son once to find where my stuff was on one instance. He told me it was moved. I told him that it was disrespectful not to ask first. He blamed his Dad for it, called his Dad who then called me a defensive "tone" and to say he told his son to move my stuff. Today, they weren't at home and didn't give it much thought because I was on a roll. I beelined it to the closet only. The closet doors were open and I glanced, didn't touch anything belonging to them and left after less than two minutes.

3) Husband will pay for vacations, perhaps half of the groceries, $150/month for car insurance (fleet policy) and that is about it. He is a small business owner and I work for a large company in front-line mgt paid bi-weekly. I have given him a spreadsheet of what I pay in the past as I make spreadsheets for him as I am his bookkeeper and he likes to see numbers. His response was not "Wow, what can I do to help you out". It was "I think you are paying too much for cable". Two days later it must not have been high enough because his son mentioned the cable box for his TV didn't have "On-Demand" and husband was going to look in to upgrading it for him.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

To clarify: I didn't touch the keys. I told hubby I SAW them but my mention to him was BEFORE I learned of his conversation with his son about the keys.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Unique, it's getting old. I'm hearing rumblings more frequently about their desire to get their own place. If it lasts past December (1year) I'll start asking about their plans more.

Right or wrong, I feel like Im in an awkward position. I don't think I'd want my husband complaining about my daughter living there and when is she moving. My daughter is ambitious, has a major which should be marketable after graduation. She doesn't want to come back.

I have a son six months older than my step-son who has higher-functioning autism who lives at home. We tried technical school and working at Goodwill. Neither panned out. Maybe he will be better suited for work in a few more years. Hubby is great with him so again, some reasons why I've not pressed the issue. I just wanted to explain why it appears that I am putting up with a lot of issues.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I'm sorry to say, but you trained your new husband that it was okay to walk all over you. If he can walk all over you, and his son knows this, why wouldn't he go running to daddy every time he has a 'problem'.

I really don't understand how you can be happy in a marriage where the other side has absolutely no respect for you. It's clear that you know it and feel it, because you wouldn't be here .. but my real question to you is this.

Why aren't you standing up for yourself? Why do you want to be with someone who isn't concerned about what you are and are not okay with? You've said it yourself. The thing is, this has nothing to do with your son in law and everything to do with your husband.

It's a complete cop out to say you had no choice in the son in law moving in, a cry of playing victim. Everyone has a choice. If your husband didn't like or agree to a set plan in regards to paying rent or doing something around YOUR home to maintain it, why wasn't his arse shown the door?

From the outside looking in, the husband pays for nothing of the household and sometimes 'helps with groceries'. He gets to spend money on the 'fun stuff' like vacations, but doesn't have to spend money on a household? He in turn, feeds that complete upside down view on life to his son.

It boggles my mind.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

wifenumber2 said:


> Unique, it's getting old. I'm hearing rumblings more frequently about their desire to get their own place. If it lasts past December (1year) I'll start asking about their plans more.
> 
> Right or wrong, I feel like Im in an awkward position. I don't think I'd want my husband complaining about my daughter living there and when is she moving. My daughter is ambitious, has a major which should be marketable after graduation. She doesn't want to come back.
> 
> I have a son six months older than my step-son who has higher-functioning autism who lives at home. We tried technical school and working at Goodwill. Neither panned out. Maybe he will be better suited for work in a few more years. Hubby is great with him so again, some reasons why I've not pressed the issue. I just wanted to explain why it appears that I am putting up with a lot of issues.


Sounds like you're living in fear. It's great that your Hubby is good with your son, but that's no excuse for the way everything else is being handled.

One good thing doesn't excuse a flood of foul behavior.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Families living together is a combination for disaster. They are both working save yourself some huge problems down the road and tell them to find another place. It's not healthy for them to live off others. These birdies need to fly, give them an overdue push. You are actually doing them a favor in the long run and cutting useless stress from your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Agree that my Husband had ample opportunity to teach his son about respect. Oddly in our intimate life, I've become more direct and stand up for myself and he thinks it is sexy and he "loves the new me.'

His reactions about disagreements involving his son are pretty consistent: he lashes out at me and he avoids me as he is right now. I'm in bed alone. It seems like the "punishment" exceeds the crime".

I've told myself if the good outweighs the bad then I'll ride with it. Even his mother says she hopes I can ride it out and it will get better when the kids get older.

See other posts for background. Sadly things had been getting better AND thirty minutes before this happened he was happy that I was doing the Goodwill stuff and called me over to show he did something for me to make me smile in return for making him happy so this whole "I'm done playing/I don't trust you" (accused of snooping in son's room--not an affair) threw me for a loop.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

By the way having an older son with autism (I have one too) is not the same as having two self sufficient adults living rent free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Agree with you mablenc. My daughter is jealous and gets angry for what she perceives as a double-standard with lavishing gifts etc. I told her Im her parent, I parent differently and the best gift I can give her is the gift of independence!


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

mablenc said:


> By the way having an older son with autism (I have one too) is not the same as having two self sufficient adults living rent free.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree. They could find a cheaper place now but "they want to live in a trendy but expensive place." Our generation was different or at least my friends I hung out with. We wanted out so bad we didn't care about trendy just getting a place of our own at first and as time went on and our ability to upgrade was present THEN we upgraded.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

They are parasites lol! I really suggest you get rid of them, if your husband gets mad, he can go live with them too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Learned today that they signed a lease. Assume for the first of next month. Thanks to all who gave advice!


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