# Checked out long ago



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

When my stbxw first brought up the D word, she said she had been checked out for a long time, like two years, long before her infidelity (I believe)... Supposedly she argues that she also tried to make it work, and I do remember her saying before we did our first round of MC that she felt like there was nothing left for her in the marriage, without even really giving it much actual effort.

Well it is starting to make sense now why the past few years has seemed kind of like a one-sided marriage to me, why I've been such a "doormat", why she's mistreated me and abandoned the home so much. When she left I just felt so used, and I felt guilty for letting myself get drained so badly, but I'm realizing I WAS being used, my W WAS eating her cake, even though she probably wasn't with an OM most of that time she did have all the freedom of the single life because of everything I was putting into my end of the "marriage". A marriage that I didn't realize was over. Everything I did to feed her only made me weaker both in reality and especially in her perception. She had a duty to tell me, maybe she did and I just couldn't hear it, surely fear was blinding us. I'm certain I would have had the strength to work past this, but she obviously didn't, she couldn't even act for two years on what she knew to be true.

I recognize that I bottled all that anger up, and now I don't necessarily need to release it explosively, just need to recognize it and vent a little off.

I guess this is a warning to other "nice guys" whose wives are not pulling their weight and are not happy... if they are checked out you must stop enabling them to take advantage of you because you will lose, and your marriage will slowly die.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow.

It's like we married the same person, only mine is a man. That's exactly what apparently happened to me. He checked out so long ago that by the time he had the guts to drop the "love you but not in love with you bomb", he had at least one foot out the door. It would have been nice to have him tell me - even just one time - that he didn't feel happy in the marriage. Just one time before he felt as though he already tried to make it work. That's one of the parts that I don't understand - how can you try when the other person doesn't even know there's a problem. By definition, working on a marriage takes both spouses. 

I guess I'll never understand any of it, but I see where you're coming from. I also was an enabler now that I look back. He got away with a lot because I thought he worked so hard at his job. Problem is - I was working just as hard at my job, along with taking care of the kids, food shopping, laundry, cleaning, organizing and planning all the family events. I never had time for myself and I think he used lots of excuses to escape and get time for himself. 

Bottom line is that this type of behavior is so selfish and self absorbed it's shocking. Again, I'll never fully understand. My head might get it and understand and rationalize - but my heart will not.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

DItto, looking back I see it started the day we wed, she always put her parents first, the marriage was always second, well then we had kids and it became 3rd. In MC she stated this as fact, the kids will always come first.
When the children were told about the divorce I made it clear she filed, this will haunt her for the rest of her days. The children know the work I put into saving the family, they saw me read the books and they all know how much I hate to read.
You are right about how selfish they are, they'll never see how SELFLESS you have to be to make a marriage work.
Great post!
Mouse


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## mr. blue (Jul 3, 2011)

Double Ditto!

I think I remained nice throughout the entire ordeal because I was hopeful that she would reconsider, and anything less than nice would just add to her reasons for leaving. I regret not acting stronger because I really got screwed on many levels, but I guess that’s to be expected when you’re overwhelmed with all those emotions.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think sometimes that when people realize themselves having become capable and acting on doing something like cheating or lying about it, when once considering it an impossibility, they devise all sorts of rationalizations about it. 
My EXwife uses the same generalization about how its been over for years and yet, why no discussion of it? Why was there no issue or complaint brought up? I was very in-tuned to our marriage, for I myself had a lot of things to deal with in regards to her approach to it, spending, relational difficulties, communication, passive anger, and more so. 
But the situation wasnt a lack of hearing her or paying attention, it was an inability of hers to recognize her poor involvement in it. 
Once the deed is done, and the line is crossed, they simply arent capable of accepting the truth of who they are, and any story or explanation is better than admitting their true nature.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yeah, I've just been reading some of the threads by women deciding to divorce their H's, and they seem to revolve around "communication". In my W's case I think that is part of the justification she uses in her mind for her choices... so often the "inneffectual" spouse is deemed to not be "willing to communicate" and I think this is a narrow-sighted view of what communication really means. Maybe these supposedly dud spouses are not verbalizing their emotions very well and maybe have given up trying to verbalize, but their actions (in this case inaction) is crying out loud for some help sorting through it all.

Why am I talking about this? I guess for a moment there I thought maybe there really is no such thing as "checking out", or maybe it just simply means pretending that communication has ceased. But I believe that two humans in perceptible physical proximity are CONSTANTLY communicating. So Shoo I think you are right, the argument of checking out maybe a tangible idea, but is really just the best excuse any one can come up with in order to turn something they've made a commitment to into something insignificant enough to walk away from.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well me and my ex husband def had communication problems. Especially confict styles--totally different.

Communication is SO important!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats why I so often heard when I asked, "honey, whats wrong??"
the reply "NOTHING".
and then when I would press the issue, "no really, you look upset and seem distant"
I would get, "Stop asking, youre starting to "pss me off"
and further to hear.. "I cant stand whiny guys"...


So naturally I quit giving a dmn about what I perceived as something being wrong and just let sleeping dogs lay.

But of course, throughout this whole divorce since the discovery of her involvement with another man, its been, "WE" have communication issues"...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Well me and my ex husband def had communication problems. Especially confict styles--totally different.
> 
> Communication is SO important!


Thing about communication is it NEVER stops. Not saying something is the same as saying something. What is important about communication is not to try and "keep it going" its understanding how it works. And yeah it is damn complicated.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> ...So naturally I quit giving a dmn about what I perceived as something being wrong and just let sleeping dogs lay.
> 
> But of course, throughout this whole divorce since the discovery of her involvement with another man, its been, "WE" have communication issues"...


I hear what you are saying... the thing is you DID perceive something was wrong, but your attempt to understand was thwarted. And absolutely you BOTH had a communication issue however at no time was it ever on just one or the other of you to address the issue. In your example its like she was deliberately trying to miscommunicate in order to get you to where she felt she could initiate some sort of "dialog", maybe at some level she just wanted a good old yelling match to break down all the barriers the two of you put on the relationship, and your preference was to find the logical and rational words and shows of affection. It is a give and take where one party is blind the other is deaf and both want to control the agenda.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Can I hop on this train ???

I am on the receiving end of a walk-away wife. She planned her exit strategy about 5 years ago, and the distance and coldness has been growing ever since. Her exit will take place next month when the kids leave for college. 

Just last night we agreed to the split. Sell the house and move on. I asked for a divorce, since she wont, but she refused. I want an uncontested divorce, but she wants to wait untill after she moves because she feels the divorce will be nasty,and she does not want to be living in the same house with me during the divorce. Oh well. Bring on the lawyers...

Just like many, I tried to walk on egg shells just to be nice and avoid conflict. The result was I was I ended up being a doormat, duh. In hindsight, I should have stood up for myself and argued, yell, or whatever it took for her to realize I will not put up with the type of treatment I was getting from her. And also make it clear to her that she was not doing anything to make this marriage work.

Well its all water under the bridge anyway at this point. The wheels are in motion to end this marriage. Its only a matter of time now.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Can I add my .02 cents?
My H and I have been married for almost 23 years, 2 amazing teenagers. I've "checked out" in the last several months, but the reason is that my husband over the last 8 years has chosen to be married to his computer. He does not participate in ANY WAY with raising two kids other than paying the bills. He does not have any friends or interests/hobbies. He goes to work, comes home, sits in front of his computer, goes to work, comes home, sits in front of his computer...ad nausem.... He does not participate in any family activities. He can go for days without saying a word to our own children. He has not participated in their education or healthcare or daily lives for years. Family time?? What the heck is that??? Communication?? Any time I try to talk with him the answer is "I'm just not an emotional person." End of conversation. 

After 8 years of trying to be the glue that was holding our family together, trying to communicate, trying to do family activities, I was tired of beating my head into a brick wall and not getting a response. After so many head-bangings, you begin to realize that 1) It hurts and 2) The brick wall is not going to move. I have no desire to spend the next 30 or 40 years of my life sitting on my butt, watching him sit on his butt. I have a life to live!!!

So... I've "checked out" of our marriage, because I simply cannot compete against my husband's computer for his time and attention. He has very clearly shown this 100's of times over the past several years. The people that he should care about the most in this world... his children/family and his elderly parents who could really use his help... simply don't matter to him. 

Just wanted to show what "checking out" can be like from a different perspective.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Avalon, I understand your frustration, and admit that when you are at the end of your rope, you are at the end of the rope. But I sort of possibly understand your H too, after coming home from work, doing my "job" at home (playing with my son, getting supper ready, getting him in bed, then starting into the chores) I too would crash in front of the puter. After 16 hours of hustle I decided that I was entitled to a little time to myself and since I felt tethered to the house because my child was asleep while my wife was out the computer was my entire connection (internet, news, forums, videos) to the outside world. When my wife walked in the door late every night the first thing she would see is me on the puter. In her mind I was useless.

I also wanted to do family activities, get myself in better shape, do physical things etc, we could just never coordinate it and so I found an escape. Instead of banging your head on the brick wall, get the right tool for the job and start taking it from the top down.

Your H IS communicating with you.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Thats why I so often heard when I asked, "honey, whats wrong??"
> the reply "NOTHING".
> and then when I would press the issue, "no really, you look upset and seem distant"
> I would get, "Stop asking, youre starting to "pss me off"
> ...


Yeah, when they say "NOTHING," it's "SOMETHING" but it's up to you to call Sherlock Holmes to begin an investigation of what has transpired over the last one, two, or three days that MIGHT possibly have gone wrong; every little question, every little innuendo, then you can start trying to decipher the riddle of "NOTHING." And you better be F'kn good at it! Hey, no pressure.

If you take the "NOTHING" at face value - you're doomed!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Avalon said:


> Can I add my .02 cents?
> My H and I have been married for almost 23 years, 2 amazing teenagers. I've "checked out" in the last several months, but the reason is that my husband over the last 8 years has chosen to be married to his computer. He does not participate in ANY WAY with raising two kids other than paying the bills. He does not have any friends or interests/hobbies. He goes to work, comes home, sits in front of his computer, goes to work, comes home, sits in front of his computer...ad nausem.... He does not participate in any family activities. He can go for days without saying a word to our own children. He has not participated in their education or healthcare or daily lives for years. Family time?? What the heck is that??? Communication?? Any time I try to talk with him the answer is "I'm just not an emotional person." End of conversation.
> 
> After 8 years of trying to be the glue that was holding our family together, trying to communicate, trying to do family activities, I was tired of beating my head into a brick wall and not getting a response. After so many head-bangings, you begin to realize that 1) It hurts and 2) The brick wall is not going to move. I have no desire to spend the next 30 or 40 years of my life sitting on my butt, watching him sit on his butt. I have a life to live!!!
> ...


There are instances where it can be justified, such as in your case. But this didn't happen with me. We BOTH raised the kids equally. I was involved in every available moment of their lives - and hers. Faithful 36 years.

She called it quits because she grew tired of me. Bottom line. She told me I was not a fun person to be around. Yet, I am the outdoor person, I am the one who likes to play sports, I am the one who likes to go out places and travel with her. My real fault, I didn't go out enough with her to be and visit with large groups of people. Well, sort of true. It depends on exactly how many times you do that is good enough for you.

Communication was the issue. We both didn't communicate, we both didn't listen, she said. I disagree with her; We both didn't communicate, we both didn't listen 10% of the time is the reality of it - and that 10% was just enough for her to quit. Never mind the other 90%. And the other 110% of my being there for her and them every day.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I never ask 'what's wrong?' Because there's always something wrong.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

This thread has been quiet for awhile, but there were a few things I felt were compelling enough to add my two cents. (FWIW).

I've been troubled reading about 'she/he has grown apart from her/his spouse.' 'She/he has trouble communicating and that's why we're separating/divorcing.' I have trouble with one spouse talking about the other spouse 'growing apart'. The 'apart' happens between two points - both spouses - so I have trouble seeing how one spouse 'grows apart' and what about the other??? Don;t complain about the train leaving the platform if you never bothered to get on it. Or you got on it when it was going the wrong way.

I thought while reading through this, that I wonder if the 'checked out' spouse has done a bit of rewriting of history. "For the past year/two years (whatever) she/he has been doing blah blah blah . . .' or 'our marriage has always been _________ '. It;s so easy for someone to 'recall' how things have been - especially the zillions of nuanced things that happen in any relationship and turn a new light on to get the desired 'new' result that justifies cheating/affairs 
/separation/divorce. 

If someone feels that they want more out of life than their spouse has to offer - this should be on the table. As someone noted, if you're banging your head on a brick wall, get the right tools and take it down. But don't recreate the past to justify one's own desired present.

I guess this all touches a raw nerve for me . . . when I heard my wife characterize our marriage as the 'past 19 years has been ______ " (hell/crap/whatever) I told her to cut that sh** and if it's been really that bad for so long, it's a heck of a time to tell me now. If things were really that terrible and she kept it to herself - she should be happy with the martyrdom award she'll receive, but don't place blame squarely on my. She should have been gone years ago if it was that bad and instead of recreating the past, let's look at today. I dunno - maybe I'm just ranting. . . 

It's still and always will be a work in progress. Good luck everyone!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jayde, interesting post... I actually commented on another thread this morning about how my W felt she had grown beyond me, and I believe she just "grew apart". I too understand that "apart" is a relative term... I know I have also changed a little, we all do. Though I've been slow to change and have "held the line" so to speak, but I've never held that against her. I was happy to see her change it made life interesting for me, I think the problem is she let herself change in ways that made her commitment to the marriage and me less significant in her life. That is why I say SHE is the one who grew apart, it sort of feels like she was led astray. If she would have just looked back once in awhile and figured out a way to engage me I probably could have figured out how to move along with her (I'm not trying to place blame, just suggesting that in a marriage it takes both spouses to hold on to each other), but it's like since she did the whole checking out thing she just never bothered to look back and went ahead without me, she presumed I wouldn't want to, or wasn't capable of, keeping up. I have specific examples in mind but I'm not going to spill them out all over the internet here...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Avalon said:


> Can I add my .02 cents?
> My H and I have been married for almost 23 years, 2 amazing teenagers. I've "checked out" in the last several months, but the reason is that my husband over the last 8 years has chosen to be married to his computer. He does not participate in ANY WAY with raising two kids other than paying the bills. He does not have any friends or interests/hobbies. He goes to work, comes home, sits in front of his computer, goes to work, comes home, sits in front of his computer...ad nausem.... He does not participate in any family activities. He can go for days without saying a word to our own children. He has not participated in their education or healthcare or daily lives for years. Family time?? What the heck is that??? Communication?? Any time I try to talk with him the answer is "I'm just not an emotional person." End of conversation.
> 
> After 8 years of trying to be the glue that was holding our family together, trying to communicate, trying to do family activities, I was tired of beating my head into a brick wall and not getting a response. After so many head-bangings, you begin to realize that 1) It hurts and 2) The brick wall is not going to move. I have no desire to spend the next 30 or 40 years of my life sitting on my butt, watching him sit on his butt. I have a life to live!!!
> ...


Sounds like my STBXH. Married to his computer and multiple EA girlfriends. Does not want to do anything with us. Goes to work, comes home, sits on his computer, doesn't talk to me, sat at his computer until 3am doing god only knows what (having his chats to his EA's no doubt). The people who loved him most (us) were forgotten about. He found his "best friends" on his computer.

I am tired of being a single mom (feels that way 99% of the time). He can have his EA girlfriends. I'm done.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hi Lon . . . I hear what you're saying. Moving away from the marriage (in my mind) is different from the natural way people grow (and should) and mature and hopefully together. I was referring more to the spouse that suddenly one day pulls the old "you've grown apart from me and it's your fault" routine - as if they've had nothing to do with it - and then skip out the door. I read some of your posts - and from what I recall, IMHO - your wife had the responsibilty (to you and your marriage) to address her 'growing' if it meant not inlcuding you - or as you noted, 'lead astray' - and giving you the chance to grow/move with her. And I think that we're in agreement (and you probably said it better) that it takes both spouses to hold onto each other in any relationship. I hope you're doing alright.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jayde said:


> Hi Lon . . . I hear what you're saying. Moving away from the marriage (in my mind) is different from the natural way people grow (and should) and mature and hopefully together. I was referring more to the spouse that suddenly one day pulls the old "you've grown apart from me and it's your fault" routine - as if they've had nothing to do with it - and then skip out the door. I read some of your posts - and from what I recall, IMHO - your wife had the responsibilty (to you and your marriage) to address her 'growing' if it meant not inlcuding you - or as you noted, 'lead astray' - and giving you the chance to grow/move with her. And I think that we're in agreement (and you probably said it better) that it takes both spouses to hold onto each other in any relationship. I hope you're doing alright.


I agree, the "grown apart" line is definitely thrown about by waywards too easily... like it is some external influence that they have no control over and that justifies their decision to walk away from a committed marriage. And thanks, I'm doing pretty well actually!


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> Sounds like my STBXH. Married to his computer and multiple EA girlfriends. Does not want to do anything with us. Goes to work, comes home, sits on his computer, doesn't talk to me, sat at his computer until 3am doing god only knows what (having his chats to his EA's no doubt). The people who loved him most (us) were forgotten about. He found his "best friends" on his computer.
> 
> I am tired of being a single mom (feels that way 99% of the time). He can have his EA girlfriends. I'm done.


In our case, neither one of us has had any type of EA or PA. In getting back to beating my head into a brick wall... I've TRIED for years to engage him in communication, in family life, in spending time together, interacting as human beings should. Every time, his computer takes a higher priority than me or his children, not just on a social level, but with the kids' education and health as well. 

Case in point... when I was out of town for a weekend my daughter broke her wrist. Instead of taking her in for medical care (even after a phone conversation where I told him he needed to get her seen immediately), he allowed her to sit at home in pain with a broken arm for 2 days, until I got home to deal with it. Medical neglect??? And no wonder my daughter doesn't trust her own father anymore. 

Anther case in point... when I had major surgery and couldn't drive, he had to pick the kids up from school one day. Problem was... he didn't know where his own children went to school. Yeah.... that's dedicated parenting if I've ever seen it!

Yes, I know I'm ranting and raving. Yes, I know I shouldn't have stayed this long. There are many reasons I have, mostly financial at this point. Am I "using" his paycheck and healthcare benefits... yes, I am and I admit it. I also work and contribute financially to the family. But on the other hand, he is "using" me to raise and educate the children that he is 50/50 responsible for but refuses to participate in parenting or educating them. We are BOTH responsible for the mess that our marriage has become. 

Just things from my perspective....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Grown apart or safe defense perimeter? I can't say my wife's completely random outbursts, anger, snottiness, verbal abuse, sour moods, complaints, nagging, correction and criticism make the 1% of the time she's not that way not all that inviting. I'm going to get sucked into it.


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