# What do I do next?



## Destineesdawn (Oct 11, 2011)

I am hoping to gain a little insight; and perhaps some advice on what to do and think. I have been married for 7 years, came into the marriage with 2 children (now 8 & 9), have a 5 year old with him, and am 7 months pregnant. My husband and I have been through many rough times, yet we have somehow managed to get by. He had an affair with my sister 2 months into my marriage, I have caught him on 5 different occasions carrying on emotional relationships with women he had met online, and I found out that he had called a dating hotline and invited the woman over to his hotel where they slept together. I have honestly forgiven him for these past indiscretions, but I found out last week that he was “chatting” with women online. He had been making excuses to stay 3 hours late at work every day, and I knew and confronted him. I told him that I was leaving and he told me to go. I live 800 miles from my family because we moved here so he could be around his parents (he was born to a 46 year old mother and is the BABY). After I made plans to leave, he told me that he didn’t want me to. Then 3 days ago he told me that he didn’t love me and wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. I agreed to leave once again, and once again, today, he started telling me he loved me.

I have no idea what to do. I know that I should want to leave, but I don’t. In all actuality I believe that it is because I do not have the means or a way to support my 4 children and myself. 2 years ago we agreed that I would stop working and pursue my degree. After I obtained my degree he would quit his job, I would work, and he would get his degree. So now, EVERYTHING is paid for by him. I hate feeling codependent, but that is exactly what I am. The thought of leaving is unbearable, but I have no illusion of him changing (although he says he will). Although I have never cheated, I have been far from perfect in this marriage, and I feel extreme guilt. What am I doing to cause all of this?

My main question is : Why does he tell me to leave, act indifferent, then when I do start to leave, he wants me to stay. I do not know if this is an emotional game he is playing, or if he is truly indecisive. I truly need advice on his motives. Is there any way to stop the emotional affairs? And finally, as bad as it may make me sound, I have considered turning his game around on him, but it is hard for me to bring myself to play games with his emotions. I would love for my marriage to work. Is there anyone out there with experience in this type of situation that could give me advice as to why this could be happening, and can it be fixed. If not, where do I go from here? 
Any advice is greatly appreciated; I have read through several of your postings and many of you seem to know what you are talking about, so I thought I would give it a shot.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Sorry, leave. There is no repair IMO. You will be much happier down the road. He is manipulating you and he knows he gets it both ways. If it were me, I would start pulling together all the evidence I could find and once I had a bunch (shouldnt take long from what youve said) I would take him to the cleaners. That he would understand. Just me though but this is from a mans persepective. I would never do that to someone. Not saying the situation couldnt come up where I would cheat (I've never tried to put myself in that situation and hope I could be strong enough anyway) but even if I did I could not repeatedly do it with my wife knowing like that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband has been a serial cheater throughout your marriage. The odds of him changing at this point are somewhere between none and none. So your options are to either accept the relationship the way it is, or leave it.

As to why your husband is the way he is, I doubt even he knows. It would probably taken a fair amount of individual counseling to sort through, much less "fix". And that's making the big assumption that he really wants to fix it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I honestly never know how to answer posts like yours-

I'm counting 8 affairs in your message so far including your own sister and that's only what you uncovered. If you haven't left by now I doubt you will. You're stuck due to some sort of horrible low self esteem issues and are definitely behaving like a physically abused woman who is too scared to leave.

I can only say that I wish you the best and truly hope you reach the point where you can see that you deserve better in life.


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## Destineesdawn (Oct 11, 2011)

Hi again,
Almostrecovered- Actually, there was extreme physical abuse during the first 5 years of our marriage; to the extent that he actually broke several bones. I was terrified to leave. He has not raised his hand to me since I called the police, told his mother, and insisted we went to counseling. He did very well for a couple of years. 

Pbear & 2yearssince- I, unfortunately, sincerely believe that that everyone can change. He has not physically cheated on me in 5 years. When I ask him why he continues to do this his answer is, “I was 18 when we married, I feel that I never got to live my life”. He also states that the only reason that he talks to women online is because it makes him feel good about himself that he can still get women. He claims to have intentions no further. 

My opinion (which is simply that, an opinion) is that he continues to do this simply because he knows that I will let him. He has told me on many occasions that he knows that I would never cheat or leave him and that gives him security. So my plan was to tell him that until he decided what he really wants, I am taking our children and moving to Texas with my family (800 miles away), cutting off contact with him, and if he decides to take measures to put a permanent stop to this behavior, maybe then we could talk about reconciliation. Do you not believe this will work?

I come from a low class family, full of drug addicts, none have finished school, and none have had a marriage last for any period of time. He comes from a high class family, all successful, his parents have been married for 55 years and his siblings have never divorced, they are the nicest people I have EVER met, and they are also extremely hurt by his actions. I have always vowed to never use drugs, get a good education, and stick with my marriage to the end. The only way I could just walk away is if he hurt my children, which he has never done. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and I made vows to stick with him for better or for worse. I have no delusions of changing him, I love him dearly, I simply wish there was a way to change this one particular behavior. I am not naïve, I realize that, statistically, this behavior has a slim possibility of changing; but I also believe that people overcome statistics every day. I just need to know what I can do to help him.

Thank-you all for your responses.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Destineesdawn said:


> Actually, there was extreme physical abuse during the first 5 years of our marriage; to the extent that he actually broke several bones.


This would scare the heck out of me too. But I think I would want to get away from him, even though he has stopped the abuse. The thing is, he holds women in low regard; has no respect for them. It sounds like women are there to serve his need to booster his low self-esteem. He is still abusing you, just in a different way.




Destineesdawn said:


> I, unfortunately, sincerely believe that that everyone can change. ... When I ask him why he continues to do this his answer is, “I was 18 when we married, I feel that I never got to live my life”. He also states that the only reason that he talks to women online is because it makes him feel good about himself that he can still get women.


You are right ... anyone CAN change, but he has made it clear to you that he doesn't wish to do so. It seems that you know he will change because you "believe" it can be. The problem with that is, it is magical thinking. What is happening is WHAT IS, not WHAT IF. 




Destineesdawn said:


> So my plan was to tell him that until he decided what he really wants, I am taking our children and moving to Texas with my family (800 miles away), cutting off contact with him, and if he decides to take measures to put a permanent stop to this behavior, maybe then we could talk about reconciliation. Do you not believe this will work?


You said it yourself; he does what he does because he is secure in believing you will stay. I think you should leave, but do NOT tell him. This guy has gotten physical with you before. Don't put it past him to do it again; particularly if he knows you are going to walk. There are some people you can say that to, but there are some people who are walking, ticking time bombs. Your husband is the latter.



Destineesdawn said:


> I only wish there was a way to change this one particular behavior. I am not naïve, I realize that, statistically, this behavior has a slim possibility of changing; but I also believe that people overcome statistics every day. I just need to know what I can do to help him.


You can't change people. You see how it has panned out thus far in your marriage. He's making it pretty clear he doesn't want to change; his actions speak volumes to support this. I believe in the sanctity of marriage too, but I also believe both partners have to share that belief. In your case, you are trying to hold things together on your belief system alone.

Please consider taking the kids and going to family or friends for awhile. Leave him a letter explaining why you need to take a breather. Set some boundaries, such as MC and nothing less. Don't let him manipulate you into returning unless he devotes himself to real change. Then watch his actions to see if he means what he says.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Yep...I've married a serial cheat, as well. Yep...with little children the same age as yours...which were the focus of my worries. 

What did I do? I hung in there for 13 years of unmitigated misery and am only now able to extricate myself. 

My kids? My reward? No dad ever could be closer to three young adults than I am now... 

Was it all worth it?

My children were...and still are...worth anything I might have to endure. FINALLY there's going to be some "me" left to recover and get on with life. The family will continue to grow and they'll be close to me for what time's left to me. 

As for her...she'll end up old and alone.


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## Destineesdawn (Oct 11, 2011)

Tommo- thank-you for your reply. 
Prodigal- I hate that all of your statements make sense. I know that I am going to have to walk away in order to get his attention, but it seems so manipulative to me. I guess I was posting just in case there was something that i was missing, something I may not have tried yet, but I wishful thinking gets you nowhere. You offer sound advice backed by reason, and I appreciate that. I have already called my grandmother and made arrangements to get there (before i change my mind).
Thank-you for your response.


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