# My affair turned our world upside down!



## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years and have 4 beautiful children. Prior to getting married my husband introduced me to his faith and I converted. I agreed to be converted because I thought that the church taught great values, wanted to be like some of the great families I saw at the church and I am sure I also wanted to please my future husband. My parents completely disagreed with my decision to convert and pretty much disowned me as their daughter along with most of my friends. They stopped supporting me in getting my education and cut me off from any help.

My husband and I married a year later. 
My husband had a 4 year old little boy at the time that had recently come to live with him full-time so we became an instant family. I was 20 years old and my husband was 25 at the time we got married. We were happy and trying to make it on our own. 

(I hope I am not boring you with to much history)

The problems started a year after being married. We were facing challenges with my husbands prior debt that was undisclosed to me which was causing financial problems, being a blended family, court and custody battles, religion issues, problems with my parents, and me having issues of not feeling important to my husband (he did love me). We would have a lot of good days and a lot of bad days. We considered divorce but I was sooo stubborn I didn't want to fail after I just fought with my family and friends that it was the right choice for me to get married to the man I love. The stress of our problems was overwhelming for both of us. I started resenting my husband and finding fault in him which wasn't good for our marriage. In return my husband started getting very resentful towards me because of my resentment and me having doubt in our faith. I started having health issues due to the stress I was under and wanting be successful in my marriage to prove to everyone I made the right choice. I had developed shingles, an ulcer, and depression. (I had never been depressed before, I was a very happy person for the most part who loved to laugh, socialize and play sports)

The first 9 year of our marriage we didn't seem to progress or mature in our relationship. My husband is a very religious man and always tries to look at the bright side of things. I always felt that I wanted more out of my marriage and wanted to feel understood. I would suggest reading a book together, working out together, having pillow talk etc... my husband thought that everything was great in our marriage and didn't see the need to work on anything. I have very high expectations and that can be good at times and drive my husband crazy at other times. 

After being married for ten years and 4 kids later my attitude and behavior took a turn for the worse. I stopped caring, stopped trying to please everyone and started acting VERY selfish. I became very vulnerable. I started complain about my husband and confiding in another man. I wasn't fully aware that I was getting myself involved in a emotion affair. I just new that I was happy and felt understood talking to this person. My husband and I were growing further and further apart. At times I didn't even think our marriage was going to last. The emotional affair became physical. At times I felt sooo guilty and selfish and at other times I was just numb. The other man was a good friend of the family and I was great friends with his wife (I know I am the BIGGEST loser). I always thought I would take this affair to my grave and never tell anyone. Things have obviously changed. I was and am so remorseful for what I did and want nothing more than to beg for my husband’s forgiveness. It was the hardest things I have ever had to do was sitting my husband down and shatter his heart by telling him that I had an affair. We both cried for hours. My husband was shocked, hurt, disappointed, and heart broken. I had turned our worlds upside down. I felt and still do feel horrible. It has been almost 3 weeks since I told him the full extent of the affair. He had me call the man I had an affair with and tell him that I had told my husband, it was over, that I take responsibility for the problems in my marriage, and tell him to never contact me again. 

My husband is working on forgiving me and willing to work on our marriage. He has spoken with the other man several times.  We live in the same city which is going make things awkward and our kids are/were best friends. We are trying to figure out if we should move? My stomach is always in knots and I am having a hard time functioning. 

Like I have said above my husband is very spiritual and finds a lot of comfort in turning to God. I am trying to say more prays and turn to God; I just don't seem to find the same comfort and peace. 

I am the one who had the affair and yet I am the one having a hard time reconnecting. My husband is showing me affection and wants to be by my side constantly... I am grateful for him but feel bad that I am struggling to reconnect.

Sorry this is sooo long. Any thoughts or support!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think shame is in your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you guys can decide if you should move or not.

I commend you for coming clean to your husband. It's not an easy thing to do. 

Do implement no contact and stick to it. You need to earn your husband's trust back. Ask him what you can do to help him and tell him what he acn do to help you.

I would not reject him at this time at all. He is going through a world of pain right now and needs you.

Marriage counselling is always a great idea.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Only you guys can decide if you should move or not.
> 
> I commend you for coming clean to your husband. It's not an easy thing to do.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the comment.

I don't want any contact with the other man. He hasn't told his wife and she tries to contact me. He told my husband that he was going to tell his wife that my family is avoiding his because we have expressed feelings for each other. She should be calling me any day very upset.

I am not rejecting him at all. I am making him breakfast, sack lunch for work, dinner, and telling him how sorry I am and how much I love him. I think I just feel bad about myself and don't feel very loveable right now. Hopefully my actions are speaking louder than the struggle with my thoughts. 

We are both getting individual counseling right now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It sounds like you and your H should make time to be by yourselves as a couple at least once a week. I know it's hard with 4 kids but if the two of you don't make the effort to change your marriage - and yourselves as well - the two of you might find yourselves back in the same old marriage that made you so unhappy. You may also want to read Dr Willard Harley's book 'His Needs, Her Needs' together and fill out the emotional needs questionaire to find out what are your and your husband's most important emotional needs and satisfying them.

You are lucky that your husband gave you another chance, not many of us men gave our ex-wives a second chance even when they were very remorseful. I also hope that your husband realizes that he needs to be more attuned to the stresses you face and be there for you.

Good luck and God bless you and yours.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You're having trouble reconnecting because you are afraid he may never forgive you.

But the hardest person in the world to forgive is yourself. Don't give up-it can happen.

BTW: is MC in the cards?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Story sounds familiar....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

what you did was wrong everyone can see that and so can you. But no REAL man would EVER let the women he loves lose her family and best friends just so he can have her all to himself and live a live of financial strain by misleading you about his debt. You say his a good, religious man... but all i see, in him, is a trickster and a selfish liar.. when is he going to apologize for that?


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## Rayne (May 18, 2011)

You need to ask his and God's forgiveness. After that you need to forgive yourself. Then you can heal your marriage.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Like others mention, it seems like you are pouring out your guilt, yet whitewashing the problems that almost led to a divorce earlier in the marriage. You family turned their back on you, and your religious husband was hiding debt from you. Seems like prayer was a way to avoid your needs and the problems.

I'd strongly reccomend seeing a therapist so that you can begin the process of forgiving yourself and facing the consequences at face value. Look to the endgame. What actions and forgiveness will lead to a strong marriage, and what self-made obstacles will stand in your way. You can heal with him from the affair, while addressing his lack of deep involvement in your emotional needs.

I wish you the best.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MIP---let me ask you something----you had great disrespect for your H., which led to your cheating on him

What do you think of him now, in that he is basically just sliding this under the rug---and really not making you accountable---do you still disrespect him----is that part of what stands in your way

How do you intend to deal with the other wife----you have helped to wreck her home---what will you say to her----even tho her main beef is with her H.----it did take the 2 of you to do this

What were your thoughts, as you went thru stop sign, after stop sign---knowing you were gonna wreck the lives of your kids

What could you have told yourself to make it OK for you to do this????????


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey MIP---let me ask you something----you had great disrespect for your H., which led to your cheating on him
> 
> What do you think of him now, in that he is basically just sliding this under the rug---and really not making you accountable---do you still disrespect him----is that part of what stands in your way
> 
> ...


I think my husband is quick to forgive but I don't think we are sliding this under the rug. He lets me know daily how I hurt him and asks me hard questions daily. He is seeing a counselor that is helping him deal with this situation as I am. Everyday is challenging for both of us since it has only been three weeks. I don't disrespect him but I do think that my lack of respect is standing in the way. I know I am not the victim here but I experienced a lot of hurt and resentment throughout my marriage that I need to get past. I do respect the way my husband is handling this situation and I am so grateful that he is willing to give me a second chance.

I am scared to deal with the other woman. Words can't express enough of how bad I feel that her world is going to be turned upside down as well. I wish that the other man would come clean and tell her everything but he said that he is going to minimize it. The only thing I can do is express my remorse and apologize. That phone call or confrontation should be any day now....

When I was in the midst of all this I was just being so selfish. I told myself that I was finally happy and had someone in my life that was exciting, would validate me, understood me, etc.... I wasn't looking for an affair but when I started getting attention I jumped right in. I was content with the emotional part of it but he was pressing the physical. I stupid and arrogant thinking I wasn't going to get caught. I was sacrificing everything that was truly important to me just for my fake happiness in the moment. I know I am an idiot. I am glad it’s over.....


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MIP----Did you ever really, forcefully try to get across to your H., the problems you were having in the mge.

How much time did you spend having your A.---Weeks, months, however long----did you really truly even spend 24 hrs, total in your 10 yr mge., forcefully going over, with your H. what you needed to make the mge healthy----How many times did you sit him down, and force him to talk about what was bothering you-----Had you done that even a few times, we wouldn't be here, would we.

What do the 2 of you intend to do now----you are getting the second chance----but lets admit it---mge., is very hard---once the passion goes, the everyday realities cause rifts, arguments, what have you-----what is gonna keep you from repeating this all over again, if you are unhappy in the future---

I do not think your H., is really making you accountable, yes he complains, and questions, but has he given you boundaries, with consequences----You said above, you still don't respect him---why don't you respect him

As to the other wife----if you are gonna put out the effort to tell her what has gone on, and you are gonna put yourself thru the trauma of actually coming clean with her---then tell her all the hard facts----Her H., is obviously scum, in that he cheated on her, and then wants to soft pedal the whole thing---she is entitled to know everything so she can make her own informed decision about the rest of her life---not what her scum H., will try to slide by her as bare-bones


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

The OM's wife needs and deserves to know the facts. Maybe "words cannot express" how badly you feel, but you did it nevertheless... It may be that your guilt and shame is further enhanced by knowing it's not come clean with her. You and your H should tell her, not the OM. This will also be part of the healing process for you two.

MC may very well help you get to (a) addressing the root cause issues in your marriage that led you to make your bad choice, to (b) restore some respect for your H (and him respecting you as well), and (c) your own self-forgiveness for the sake of your kids and your marriage.

Give it time. Don't expect to wake up feeling better all at once; take it day by day. You are early in this process, let time help you both along the way. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When the OM's wife calls you, tell her the truth. The worst possible thing you could do is lie to her even more on top of the betrayal. You may feel bad but I guarantee you she will feel 1000x worse.

Have you and your husband considered attending marriage counselling?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I have a saying - never waste a crisis. Meaning that I try to use every crisis in my life to improve my life in some way. The confusion, discomfort and call to action that a crisis brings about are an amazing impetus for change. So. It sounds like you and your H really want to reconcile and it sounds like you have taken ownership of your affair. Now talk to your husband. No holds barred. Tell him what made you unhappy in your marriage, have him tell you what he needs out of your marriage. Talk, talk, and talk some more. A bomb has been dropped into your marriage - a crisis. You are both way outside your comfort zones. Take advantage of that and use this opportunity to really grow and work on your marriage. Don't just want the stomach ache to go away. It's normal for you (and your H obviously) to be really struggling. I was the wayward spouse to, and dealing with my affair has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It has put scars on me that I will have the rest of my life. But, my wife and I used the process of reconciliation to really talk and improve our marriage. We're better today than we have ever been. Your marriage as you knew it is over - it will never be the same. The question now is can you use the opportunity to make your marriage going forward better than the one you had?

Good Luck


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Yes we will attend marriage counseling. My husband and I are getting individual counseling and he is going to let me know when he feels stable enough to start going together. 

My affair lasted several months starting with just talking which lead into an emotional affair and then physical. I do spend endless hours making attempts to express to my husband that I felt far from #1 in his life. I would tell him that I didn't feel validated or like a priority to him. I asked him to read marriage books with me. I asked him share in activities with me like working out or sharing a hobby. I would go to my husband for when things where bothering me and he would say "woman are so emotional, men just blow things off". 

I am getting a second chance and am going to prove to my husband that I love and value him and my family. I have called the other man in front of my husband to tell him to stay away and that it is over, my husband has all access to my phone and computer, I let him know when I am leaving and coming home from the house to build trust and we are reading a marriage book together at night. I know there is so much more to do but this is our start.

Regarding the whole respect thing, I am so confused on how I feel. I do respect my husband but not as much as I feel I should. I feel hurt by the years of feeling like I was crazy because I wasn't understood. I felt rejected and wanted so much more out of my marriage but my husband blew me off. 

I am still not sure how I am going to handle the other woman. I think he should tell her the hard facts and that it’s his responsibility. I want to deal with my family and want him to deal with his family. I don't think many of you will agree with me...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

marriageinprogress said:


> I am still not sure how I am going to handle the other woman. I think he should tell her the hard facts and that it’s his responsibility. I want to deal with my family and want him to deal with his family. I don't think many of you will agree with me...


I agree with you - I was the same way. But, if confronted with having to tell her - tell her the truth - all of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marriageinprogress said:


> I am still not sure how I am going to handle the other woman. I think he should tell her the hard facts and that it’s his responsibility. I want to deal with my family and want him to deal with his family. I don't think many of you will agree with me...


I think her husband should tell her, not you. 

But if she calls you and ask questions, you should be honest with her. 

It's the least you could do.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I have a saying - never waste a crisis. Meaning that I try to use every crisis in my life to improve my life in some way. The confusion, discomfort and call to action that a crisis brings about are an amazing impetus for change. So. It sounds like you and your H really want to reconcile and it sounds like you have taken ownership of your affair. Now talk to your husband. No holds barred. Tell him what made you unhappy in your marriage, have him tell you what he needs out of your marriage. Talk, talk, and talk some more. A bomb has been dropped into your marriage - a crisis. You are both way outside your comfort zones. Take advantage of that and use this opportunity to really grow and work on your marriage. Don't just want the stomach ache to go away. It's normal for you (and your H obviously) to be really struggling. I was the wayward spouse to, and dealing with my affair has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It has put scars on me that I will have the rest of my life. But, my wife and I used the process of reconciliation to really talk and improve our marriage. We're better today than we have ever been. Your marriage as you knew it is over - it will never be the same. The question now is can you use the opportunity to make your marriage going forward better than the one you had?
> 
> Good Luck



Thanks so much for the comment. We probably need to do even MORE talking while the guards are down. I have already caused so much pain and I been worried about talking about anything else that can cause more pain. 

I am glad to here that your marriage has improved!!! 
Have you forgiven yourself? Do you still feel guilt?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Have I forgiven myself??? Some days yes and some no - does that make sense?? But, mostly yes. Do I still feel guilt? No, my wife took my guilt when she forgave me. However, I do still feel remorse, disappointment in myself, and shame. Those lovely nuggets I will have forever - I earned them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thing is by not telling her the truth, you are disrespecting her even further. So if she asks, be honest.



marriageinprogress said:


> Have you forgiven yourself? Do you still feel guilt?


As someone who was the DS in my marriage, no, I have never forgiven myself. That was 2 yeras ago, too. And I still feel the guilt and weight of what I did every day. It has never gone away.

I am divorced now.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey MIP------1st as to the other wife---you said she was a good friend of yours----you betrayed her, and she will have great pain and suffering---but her scumbag H---isn't gonna tell her the truth---so the one parting gift you can give her, is to tell her the truth---ALL THE TRUTH---so her H, can't TT her, and downplay what actually went on----The 2 of you ( you and H)---should never have contact with the other couple again FOR ANY REASON---so tell her, be done with it, and move on.

As to your mge-----you said you spent countless hours trying to get your H., to listen to you, and deal with the problems of the mge----You know, you went about solving his apathy, and ignoring you, in the wrong way-------SO-------

What are you both doing to deal with marital problems when they arise from now on---for they will arise, as they do in all mge.'s----and what do you intend to do in the future---if your H. reverts back to "blowing you off", or treats you very badly which he may very well do as a by-product of your straying on him


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey MIP------1st as to the other wife---you said she was a good friend of yours----you betrayed her, and she will have great pain and suffering---but her scumbag H---isn't gonna tell her the truth---so the one parting gift you can give her, is to tell her the truth---ALL THE TRUTH---so her H, can't TT her, and downplay what actually went on----The 2 of you ( you and H)---should never have contact with the other couple again FOR ANY REASON---so tell her, be done with it, and move on.
> 
> As to your mge-----you said you spent countless hours trying to get your H., to listen to you, and deal with the problems of the mge----You know, you went about solving his apathy, and ignoring you, in the wrong way-------SO-------
> 
> What are you both doing to deal with marital problems when they arise from now on---for they will arise, as they do in all mge.'s----and what do you intend to do in the future---if your H. reverts back to "blowing you off", or treats you very badly which he may very well do as a by-product of your straying on him


I guess I am still crossing my fingers that the OM will confess the whole truth. If he doesn't I will be honest when she confronts me. I just don't sleep at nights because of the pain I have caused my husband and the pain I am going to cause to "my friend". I just want to know that she will recover from this, trust again, have a successful family, and her kids will not suffer because of the affair. I know I should have thought of all this before but I didn't and I am know. I am an idiot.

As for my husband and I - I need to stop fearing and start trusting more. I have fears that things will revert back to how they used to be. I feel so much more aware of how affairs happen and will never let it happen again. We both recognize now the warning signs that the affair was beginning and will be able to hold each other more accountable if we see any signs. I think since this affair our communication will be a lot more open and understanding of each others needs. I am responsible for the affair but my husband recognizes things he wasn't doing to make me feel important. We are working on it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I hope you and your H, can deal with your problems, and the new mge, that will rise from the ashes of the old mge will work out

IMHO---you should take the iniative, have your talk with the other wife---and get it over with-----He is scum, whether you wanna admit it or not---and he more than likely will not tell his wife the truth---it should come from you----it should come from you, alos for the reason, that she will know the truth about what he is/isn't telling her-----hopefully after you tell her, you will be able to sleep better, and move forward with your life----be good, and stand tall


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Agree with jnj-don't count on him to confess.

Tell the OMW yourself, accept her reaction, even if it is total disbelief, and then work on YOUR marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am going to respectfully disagree with both of you. 

While I think the betrayed has every right to know they have been cheated on, I do not ever think the knowledge should come from the Other Woman (or man). To me, it's like twisting the knife even deeper and pouring more acid into the wound.

MarriageinProgress--you said you want to know she will recover and trust again but the thing is I can promise you--the dynamic of their marriage is changed forever once she finds out. She will never trust him the same again and while she may move past it and "recover," she won't ever forget. It'll be a scar that never goes away. Much like your own husband.

I know that is not what you want to hear but it is the truth.

Are you and your husband going to get counselling? I think it's a good idea for you guys. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? Perhaps you can read it together. Talk about how you felt neglected and ask him how he has felt neglected and work together to resolve it.

You are lucky he is giving you another chance.

I wish you guys the best.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm with Jellybeans on this.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I think you should tell the OM's wife, your former friend, that you're _available and willing_ to discuss further details if she wants them, but not just air them all out without knowing if she wants a to hear it.


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## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I am going to respectfully disagree with both of you.
> 
> While I think the betrayed has every right to know they have been cheated on, I do not ever think the knowledge should come from the Other Woman (or man). To me, it's like twisting the knife even deeper and pouring more acid into the wound.
> 
> ...


Thank you for all your comments; I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions!! Sorry I haven't figured out this whole quote thing yet...lol


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

marriageinprogres,

You and your husband may want check out marriage builders.


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