# Ex in Jail



## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

For any of you familiar with my background, I was letting xH live in my house (on the couch- I am seeing someone) for a few months while he "got on his feet," etc. He is a recovering alcoholic who spent time in jail and is now on felony probation for 10 years, for being physically abusive on 2 occasions which occurred right after I filed for divorce. Anyway, I asked him to move out a couple of months ago which he did. He didn't see the kids much for a little while because he didn't have a place to take them, only saw them at church and once-weekly dinners at my house. 

He asked if he could see the boys a couple of weeks ago and I said no, since I was not going to be home the evening he inquired about- a Saturday night. It was technically "his weekend" to have them but with no residence- not happening. So, he pulled the right of first refusal card and said let me stay with them for a few hours, don't get a babysitter- I miss them and you have to have them available during my weekends, bla bla bla. So, I gave in since it was from 9pm-midnight and he had been sober over a year at that point (this is Feb 23rd).

Anyway, I keep little to no alcohol in my house as I'm not a big drinker, and there was none in the house that evening. Unbeknownst to me ex has been drinking again since I kicked him out of my house (which is not even our marital home but a house I bought over a year post-divorce). That night while I was out, he assumed I was with the guy I'm seeing- which I was not but regardless, not his business. He tried to go through my computer and iPad but both were locked, I guess to support his theory. He drove to the store and bought an 18-pack of beer, kids in car, and came back to the house and drank EVERY. LAST. ONE. in the 2 hours after the kids went to bed (supposedly). 

I came home at midnight and he was WASTED. Sloppy, falling down drunk. I yelled at him to get the F--- out of my house and that we were going to have a huge problem if he didn't, and he pushed me HARD into a door which slammed into the wall leaving me with a sprained neck. I was screaming so the neighbors called the police. Oh, and when he went to hit me in the face I clocked him with a Tiffany ring on my right ring finger and gave him a shiner. Never hit anyone before, ever, but that felt damn good. Psycho ex told the police it was HIS house and I was his WIFE (not ex) and cheating on him- I had to get the divorce decree and mortgage papers out for the police for them to realize he was just drunk and nuts. 

Anyway, since he's on felony probation and clearly violated it by 1) drinking and 2) putting his hands on me, he is back in jail and possibly prison for the next 2-10 years which I'll know in a couple months. He will not be getting out anytime soon. Goodbye idiot, who can't make any good decisions. He gave into his alcoholism and that brought out the angry, abusive a-hole that I divorced. Also goodbye child support, oh well it wasn't a ton anyway- I've struggled before but I can manage. It's been a couple of weeks and I'm so much less stressed with him out of my life. The kids are fine because they noticed Daddy being mean to mommy lately (name calling, put downs, talking crap when I wasn't around)- so they think he's gone away until he can be in a better mood- which I guess is kind of true...

Anyone else been in a situation like this? I'm part venting/need to get this off my chest, partly asking, what next?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Kind of, but I was never married, so never divorced. Had my ex get out of jail, (for choking me and attempting to rape me); first thing he did was go to my house and break in. I wasn't home, and I'd already married my husband at that point. He saw the wedding photos and called the police on himself... And was subsequently sent back to jail.

I know it's hard and I can't even imagine your situation, having children involved!! That has got to be tough!

You're doing the right things... Just don't let him couch-surf anymore. Time for him to get on his own feet and take care of himself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SingleInTx said:


> . He gave into his alcoholism and that brought out the angry, abusive a-hole that I divorced. Also goodbye child support, oh well it wasn't a ton anyway- I've struggled before but I can manage. It's been a couple of weeks and I'm so much less stressed with him out of my life.
> 
> Anyone else been in a situation like this? I'm part venting/need to get this off my chest, partly asking, what next?


Uh..YEAH...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html

Alcoholics giving into alcoholism and being angry, abusive a-hole. I know all about that scenario.  The last time was the proverbial straw. Divorce is final in 2 weeks. My STBXH isn't giving me a dime after having himself a party and blowing off his inheritance and not working for 3 years, he says he has NO money and is "shopping around for a homeless shelter". My reply: "You absolutely CAN NOT stay at my house." 

He is on his own. I have no pity for him. I will say that he's never been physically abusive or violent with me. Now that I'm completely independent of him economically he really hasn't any hold on me at all. There's really nothing left for him to do!

Right now he's telling me that he's stopped paying on his boat and is waiting until after our divorce to file for bankruptcy. I guess he's waiting until then to get a job too? Who the heck knows. I don't believe anything he says much. He told me he had pancreatic cancer at one time. Uh..what? :scratchhead: :wtf:

My advice to you is if your ex gets out of jail is to slap a restraining order on him. In the meantime I assume you are in the process of getting full custody of your children and cutting off whatever contact he has with them? I think you have grounds for that in any case. If you haven't talked to your lawyer about this I would suggest doing that. You don't want your kids to have anything to do with him. They've been through enough.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> My advice to you is if your ex gets out of jail is to slap a restraining order on him. In the meantime I assume you are in the process of getting full custody of your children and cutting off whatever contact he has with them? I think you have grounds for that in any case. If you haven't talked to your lawyer about this I would suggest doing that. You don't want your kids to have anything to do with him. They've been through enough.


No wonder you and I seem to be on the same page SO often...lol. 

Restraining order & protective order- DONE. They're 2 different things here but both are in place already. I already have full custody but he has lost his visitation rights by drinking, unless he is supervised by a state agency, IF he gets out of jail. He would have to appeal and meet certain criteria over the course of a year after release in order to be unsupervised with them again.

Ugh... thanks for checking in on here because it's always nice to know I'm not the only one and we have both made it to the other side. Oh and side note- he faked cancer?? Ummm...what??!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SingleInTx said:


> Ugh... thanks for checking in on here because it's always nice to know I'm not the only one and we have both made it to the other side. Oh and side note- he faked cancer?? Ummm...what??!


Yeah, my STBXH isn't violent but he's a habitual liar. In October 2011 he told me that he had pancreatic cancer and was in remission and had been having chemotherapy. He told me that was why he had been so sick lately, throwing up and not being able to walk. He told he'd had it since April, 2010 and only his father knew about it (how convenient that his father was now DEAD)..and THAT was why he started drinking. :slap: 

He then proceeded to invite ALL his friends over for a poker game and told THEM he had cancer. One of his friends had just lost his brother to a year long fight with cancer and the FIRST words out of his mother were "But if you had chemo how is it that you still have all your hair?" My husband's answer: With some type of chemo you don't lose your hair. His friend looked skeptical and voiced his feelings to me later that he thought my husband was full of crap. 

My husband THEN insisted I bring the kids over to his house and told them he was dying and informed my daughter and me that since we were so ungrateful for all the GOOD things he'd done for us that only our son was worthy of having anything left to him. He was leaving our 14 year old son all his money and making him trustee of his "estate". 

I don't think my kids believed him but he sure as heck made an impression on them..and not in a good way. I don't they believed him but my daughter sure hated him a lot more after what he said to her and me. 

Turns out he was indeed BSing. He checked into a hospital about a week later. Turned out his being sick was because of him drinking over a quart of rum every DAY, everyday for weeks. He was destroying his esophogus and stomach lining and the doctors told him THAT would kill him. They seemed to know nothing about any cancer and just stared at me dumbfounded when I mentioned it. No one at our local hospital had a clue about it and one doctor said "He doesn't LOOK like he has cancer." 

But he did have a problem with blood clots in his legs and that was why he couldn't walk. He was SUPPOSED to go for surgery to have his varicose veins removed at one point and to have the blood clots thinned out with medication but he couldn't do that because the medication wouldn't work because of his drinking so they had to do surgery and put some sort of filter in his legs to thin out the clots. 

He drove me NUTS when he was in the hospital and was very abusive to me. I think that was the beginning of the end for me emotionally..I started to feel myself breaking away from him right about then. 

Then he was detoxed AGAIN for his alcohol and hospitalized for 2 weeks. He was then put in rehab for 3 weeks. During that time I had PLENTY of opportunity to do some checking around on his supposed cancer. I went through ALL his papers and documentations in his house and found plenty of credit card bills (over $30K at this point), along with the loan papers on the boat that he TOLD ME he paid cash for! There wasn't a SCRAP of evidence anywhere about cancer. No bills, no presciptions, no pills..NOTHING. 

Not to mention that that in the time period he mentioned GETTING diagnosed with this cancer (spring, 2010) we were living together and I was scheduling ALL his customers in our family business. I think I would've noticed him taking days off to go to chemotherapy! I had access to his schedules and was the one who answered and took all the messages that came in and there wasn't ANY disruption in his schedule. 

Plus, he wasn't even sick at that time! I did recall him having a bad backache in that time period, which he said prompted him to go go the doctor which supposedly led to his "diagnosis" but I dont' recall it coming to much and his back often hurt because he had to lift heavy things in his work. But he wasn't nauseous or sick or showing any symptoms of either cancer or chemotherapy! He didn't miss ANY time from work either and he worked 5 days a week and on weekends he was kayaking and barhopping with me! 

I also talked with a friend who is a nurse whose husband died of cancer and described his "symptoms" she pretty much told me that he was pretty much lying. 

PLUS pancreatic cancer has an EXTREMLY low survival rate..I think it's something like 95% fatal within 6 months to a year. By the time he told me about it it was well over a year! I brought this up to him and he told me has that kind that Steve Jobs had..and that doesn't kill you as fast. He also told me that he went to Philadelphia to do "experimental treatments" at the University of Pennsylvania. :wtf:

Well, the ONLY time I've seen him sick is when he drank huge amounts of alcohol and that seems self induced. He seems awfully healthy for a guy walking around with a terminal disease. ESPECIALLY when he spent hours and days cleaning and maintaining his boat and going camping and fishing at Lake George! :rofl: Oh yeah..and he smokes 2 packs of cigarettes/day!

Anyway, he never brings up his "cancer" anymore and my kids don't seem to care or believe he has it. I think he did in an attempt for the ultimate bid for sympathy. He REALLY expected and wanted us to love and pity him after he told us this. He wasn't getting very much love or sympathy because he was a being a drunken JERK so was this a pathetic ploy for attention/sympathy/pity/love? Who knows? It didn't matter, because it didn't work. 

At any rate, he destroyed most of 2010 and ALL of 2011 and into 2012 because of his drinking, antics, abuse, etc..

By the summer and fall of 2012 I'd had enough and was on my way to breaking emotional ties with him. I was at the point where I'd have enough of his antics. Ironically, that's when he figured out he was losing me and started sending me flowers, got interested in me sexually, called me everyday to tell me he loved me, etc, etc. But it was too late and by then I was avoiding him. Kinda ironic, eh? 

He was drinking by the fall 2012. He wrecked my son's birthday and Thanksgiving. By then I was completely done with with him. The first week of December I hadn't seen him in over a week and he called me and told me he was depressed, drinking and could no longer take care of my son and I should come and get him and that he was penniless and living off credit cards. That's when I told him I wanted a divorce. 

Then he went on a drunken rampage. Woudn't give back my son's computer and took my daugher's car. Cancelled the health insurance. I filed for divorce. 

He spent Christmas, 2012 by himself. That's when he sobered up. Now he's in AA. Still unemployed, still penniless. He cancelled his life insurance 2 years ago after his term policy expired and he couldn't afford to get a new one. His being hospitalized at least 3 times for his alcoholism pretty much killed his chances of getting an affordable policy. So there is no "estate" and he didn't leave anything to anyone. He told me that in one of his rare truthful moments. 

Spring 2013: We'll be divorced and he's on his own. I am completely independent of him financially. I get nothing from him but he has nothing to hold against me either.

I'm looking forward to being free of him COMPLETELY..legally, emotionally and physically..FINALLY. Hopefully he'll stay sober for my son's sake. He's in AA but who knows if he'll stay sober? Odds are against it. He is talking about going bankrupt and who knows when his creditors will come looking for him?

I wanted to be divorced ASAP so I took the fastest, cheapest route possible just to be rid of him. He's also on notice that if I see him playing around with his boat and going fishing on Lake George this summer I'm hauling his butt into court for child support. He keeps insisting that he doesn't have ANY money. I told him "fine, but I'll be watching." He's a very stupid man if he doesn't believe me. 

Some drunks get violent and abusive. Others lie and are abusive. MY STBXH is the latter. It's really sad but it's not my problem anymore. I wonder if he talks about this in AA? :scratchhead:

We have two friends who recently HAVE had cancer and survived it and I wonder how he can look them in the eye...


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