# Feeling lost and helpless



## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

This is such a rant but I just need a place to get all this out. 

My husband and I have been under a lot of stress lately. And a lot of problems have ensued since. Well, and honestly, before.

Right now, I think my biggest issue is feeling like I'm low on his priority list and that spending time with me is a chore. His job responsibilities require a lot of him and he works hard, which is to his credit and I understand that it can wear him out. I think why I feel disappointed is that it seems he has plenty of energy for other things. He's recently started a new hobby which takes up much more time that I was lead to intially believe. It has been a point of contention, mostly because I had expressed that I felt like he was making me a priority prior to this new hobby. So now the situation is worse. 

I feel like I'm pretty easy most of the time, I'm ususally happy if we just carve out some time to watch a movie together during the weekend. I don't expect grand gestures or to even be taken out. Not to say he never takes me out, there definitely have been times and I'm very appreciative of them. However, that even seems like I'm asking too much. 

This weekend has not been great. Our Saturday was busy and in my case, stressful. Today he slept in, like most weekends, which is usually fine, I'm used to being up early. When he got up, I asked him if he would come hang out with me, and he said he's be there in a min. He then did a few chores, things that needed to be done in the morning, nothing unusual. When I thought he was finished I asked him if he'd come watch TV with me. He became aggitated that I didn't know he was still busy. I said I didn't realize, I just wanted to spend time with you. He stated that he felt like I was saying what he was doing wasn't important and when I asked how I did that his response was because I asked at all. And to avoid him feeling that way I should just not ask. I felt a bit dumbfounded and things sort of excalated from there until a point where I was truly upset at some more things he had said. 

I asked him to discuss things in a better place and he agreed. When we sat down, I told him why I was upset and apologized for the way what I said/did affected him. He basically went catatonic. Wouldn't look at me or speak but only to say he had nothing to say. Finally came out that he was refusing because I forced him into the conversation (?) and that my apology didn't count because I also said why I was upset. He then left for an errand, later texting me that he was sorry for making the situation worse. Which I responded positively to. 

When he got back he seemed okay, he hugged me. I was ready to let it drop and it seemed he was too. Then, he said he didn't have much time before he'd have to leave for his hobby. I was surprised, as this was news to me. I told him I didn't know that and would have appreciated a heads up. He insisted he did tell me and that I said it wasn't a problem before, why is it now, essentially. I honestly remember him telling me this weekend was totally free. I also could really, really use a break or even just a few moments to relax. I'm a SAHM, so weekends when he's away a lot really blur into the week for me. He got very angry and said that I shouldn't put the burden on him because I need a break. He also said that everyone has bad days or weeks and that I shouldn't take it out on him or expect him to fix my problems for me and I should suck it up. This angered me as many of our past fights have been about his habit of taking his bad days out on me. Also, confused me as I don't know what I did to take it out on him. 

He has since left. He refused to discuss it or help me understand why he was so mad. He actually tricked me he left. I actually wanted to get out of the house for a while and got in the car but he had the keys in his pocket so when I went to look for him to get them, he had left out another door, snuck to the car and left. Just felt childish and cruel. 

Especially frustrating as that is currently our only car. DH had a car accident which totalled his car and he has been using mine. So for the last few weeks, I walk places or I don't go. And it really hasn't been a big problem but when I feel purposely stranded it bothers me. 

What did I do that was so wrong? I'm having so much trouble seeing it and he won't tell me what I did, only that I've done it. How do I get him to talk to me or listen to me or care? I know he cares but he can be really good at acting like he doesn't. I don't know what to do. 

Thanks for reading.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Now he wants a divorce.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nightshade said:


> he said he didn't have much time before he'd have to leave for his hobby.


So don't you think it is high time you found out about her - name, where she works, when they started hooking up - his "hobby," I mean ...


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Prodigal, thank you for your response. I never really considered that. His hobby is actually a recreational sports team the he has taken on the respnsibility of being a captain of. I have met one of the people involved and seen communication with other players so I never considered it to be a cover for something else.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

nightshade, I'm so sorry. 

Reading your story, it seems like his responses are a bit out of proportion to your discussions. It also seems (and again, I'm so sorry) that like Prodigal is suggesting, there might be something going on outside your marriage. His behavior - especially sneaking away with the car - is fairly suspect.

Has anything like this gone on before in your marriage? When did he start to treat you like this?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

nightshade said:


> When I thought he was finished I asked him if he'd come watch TV with me.


You knew he wasn't finished. You were being insistent and like he said, what he was doing wasn't important. It was passive aggressive, and passive aggressive is controlling. No one likes being controlled and people always know when they are being controlled (or the attempts) just as clearly as you know he snuck out to leave. "I honestly didn't know" or "I thought he was done" is just an excuse to claim innocense. It's not very clever. It's just tedious and annoying.

I realize one person in a marriage/relationship may come to feel lonely and neglected. I just don't understand that person insisting or even asking more than once for some attention and time. If he wants to spend time with me he would is the way I see it. I would never dream of asking a man who is not engaged in his relationship. To insist and to ask more than once is needy, and no one wants that burden placed on them. That also is tedious and annoying to the person who is disengaged. If I felt I had no value to my husband, I'd have to make other plans to whatever extent I feel those plans need to be made. I guess I'm just practical and even though I know it hurts to feel unloved/unvalued/neglected, I would never insist (nor argue) over something he would be doing if he really wanted to without me asking.

I'd say his reaction(s) was to combat your attempt to control him and was also out of resentment of being burdened with your neediness. He was too intent on going wherever he was going to have to be bothered. Like I said, if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't make other plans to stay away so often. You have to find the strength and resources within yourself to make other plans, especially now that he wants a divorce, which is likely motivated by whatever it is that has been occupying his time. And, I don't think that is being captain of the team.


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## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

nightshade said:


> This is such a rant but I just need a place to get all this out.
> 
> My husband and I have been under a lot of stress lately. And a lot of problems have ensued since. Well, and honestly, before.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Avesa (Aug 31, 2011)

get a hobby of your own. He doesn't care. I know that's not a solution but you'll actually feel so much better if you take up a hobby of your own. When my husband did that to me, I took up ninjitsu. Now that he's bored with his clubs and and bars he's unhappy about the classes I take 2 days a week. If he doesn't want to spend time with you then find a hobb you'll enjoy. That does not mean you should cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

His new hobby is a sports team? Is there a reason that practices and games can't be written on the calendar to avoid confusion? 

Other than that, here's what I get from your post - though you may not like it.... 

It sounds like you've become a SAHM and several things have happened - he feels taken for granted and he is working his butt off for you and your family, and he wants to feel appreciated. However, you are wanting him to meet your needs, which isn't unreasonable to want, but if you do it without first showing him your appreciation in a way that matters to him, he's simply going to see it as another demand. 

Expecting him to meet your needs might or might not be unreasonable. Do you have other people to talk to? Are you doing things that keep YOU interesting to him? If he comes home and you never have anything engaging to say or do, he won't feel engaged. You know what kinds of things interest him and what doesn't. Do yourself and your marriage a favor by making yourself get involved in his interests in some ways. Join that sports team. Go watch their practices and/or games. Figure out what makes him feel loved the most and then do it.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Thank you everyone for your responses. A lot to consider here. It's appreciated greatly.

Sabrina - This does seem to have become a pattern but I'm not sure exactly when it started, only that it seems to be repeating more. 

River - Yes, I can now see how my behavior came across as needy. You have a point. I do, however, disagree that I misrepresented what I thought/felt at the time. He walked into the room, I assumed to find me so I asked if he wanted to watch TV. It wasn't a deliberate scheme to control or manipulate. When he said he wasn't done, I said OK, but the damage had been done. I realize my mistake was in assuming and I should have not said anything. As you said, if he wanted to spend time, he would. 

Avesa - That is good advice. I do have hobbies that I enjoy doing but perhaps doing them more often would be a good idea. And no, I would not consider cheating as a new hobby. You may be right about him not caring. He has said that he is the only one who matters. I'd like to think he only said it in anger. Maybe that's naive. 

Kathy - You make a good point about the scheduling issue. It has certainly been discussed. He seemed offended that I would need that so it hasn't happened. My schedule is usually flexible, so maybe he feels its not necessary. 

He does work hard, he's great at his job. He gets recognized for his good work often and I couldn't be prouder. I try to make him feel like his effort and hard work is appreciated but I'm sure that's an area I could work on. 

I do have other people to talk to, yes, quite frequently. I don't rely on him as a sole source of conversation for me. However, that is one of our strong points. Neither of us ever lack anything interesting to say or talk about. We very often read the same article during the day and can't wait to get the others take on it. We'll call each other up to "hey, you need to listen to the radio right now" when we know there is a topic one or both of us is interested in is being discussed. It can take us days to finish one TV show sometimes because it will spark a conversation instead.

We have many common interests. Really, this sports team, or this sport in general is one of the few areas where our interests diverge. I thought him having this thing all his own might be a good thing. There are certainly things of mine he has no interest in, but maybe that's not what he's feeling. Perhaps I should make an effort to become involved in this interest, but I'm wary to do so as he might think I'm trying to interject myself into something that is his.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Nightshade,

Just for clarification, how old are the kids? Would your husband be upset if you and the kids went to one of his games to cheer him on?

Also, how has your sex life been lately? Any other changes in your relationship over the past few months?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Our son is almost 6. No, I don't think that would upset him. 

Sex life has been pretty normal. No real changes in the relationship, just life in general. This is something that has been going on for years though, just with increased frequency as of late.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ask him if you can come watch one of his games, and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive and makes it clear he would prefer you not attend, then I think you need to find out just what is going on.

If he wants it to be "his" hobby and leave you out, then he's backing out of the relationship, for whatever reason. And, as I mentioned, this "hobby" may have a name. Either way, completely cutting you out of an interest that is taking up so much of his time indicates he is cutting you out of a great deal of his life.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> Ask him if you can come watch one of his games, and see how he reacts. If he gets defensive and makes it clear he would prefer you not attend, then I think you need to find out just what is going on.
> 
> If he wants it to be "his" hobby and leave you out, then he's backing out of the relationship, for whatever reason. And, as I mentioned, this "hobby" may have a name. Either way, completely cutting you out of an interest that is taking up so much of his time indicates he is cutting you out of a great deal of his life.


I'll do that.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nightshade said:


> Kathy - You make a good point about the scheduling issue. It has certainly been discussed. He seemed offended that I would need that so it hasn't happened. My schedule is usually flexible, so maybe he feels its not necessary.


Everything else is scheduled so why not this? There should be no reason to be offended. The reason scheduling can work is so that you feel you are getting something and you have something to look forward to. Set aside (at least) one night a week for couple time and ask him to take you out at least once a month. Maybe go somewhere to watch the professional version of his hobby


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

He's already changed his mind about a divorce. He came home and acted totally normal, like nothing had happened. I just stayed out of his way and was pleasant when he spoke to me. I decided no action was the best action. Mostly because I don't know what to do anymore. He later apologized, and said he didn't want a divorce and was actually very nice. But that is sort of the problem. I'm not sure which verson of him to believe. 

There is a cycle of when he's in a good mood things are great. When he's in a bad mood things just completely disintergrate. The bads moods seem to be happening more often and lasting much longer. Any confict or stressor seems to bring anger against me. Problem with a coworker, car trouble, etc, and he will be so angry with me and act so uncaring it feels like he blames me. He's never explictedly said as such, though. But maybe I need to try to see the bad mood coming and more effectively alter my behavoir accordingly. Maybe he does have reason to be mad at me. 

My nerves are frazzled from this cycle of him being angry with me, storming out, claiming he wants a divorce then changing his mind, acting like he's incredibly apologetic and then doing it again a few weeks later. 

I'm starting to think I'm just crazy because everything I feel he claims is backwards. That I'm the one who takes out my moods on him. I can't get him to tell me how, but he firmly says I do. I feel like I more and more try not to even let him know if I've had a bad day and I do my best to act consistently every day to avoid it, but it hasn't helped. And as with yesterday, the more I apologized and tried to understand why he was so angry, the angrier he got and then said I was deliberately starting a fight. 
He says he has every right to be angry, which he does, I have no say in how he feels, I can only try to avoid behavior that affects him negatively. But at the same time, he tells me quite often my feelings are wrong and that it's my fault if I perceive what he says or does in a negative way. I'm too sensitive, I'm crazy. Maybe I am because I keep feeling like one set of rules applies to me and not to him. He says they're not the same thing. It's just I'm wrong.

I limit times I go out so as not to make him feel burdened with taking care of our son while I'm gone. It was only a few weeks ago he was very upset and said he should have days where he doesn't have to get of bed all day if he doesn't want to. That no one bothers him and lets him do what he wants. Yet, he rejects the idea that he should be burdened when I need a break. Even for a short time. But then, he wants another kid. I can't imagine why. 

Not even Mother's Day did he feel like helping me. It wasn't a sleep in sort of day as I was trying to do something extra special for my mother. Especially as she and my father had very recently been very upset with my husband. DH had been rude on several occasions to them (during a bad mood) and they were also upset at the way he had treated me in front of them and other company that I had at our house. He had yelled at me in front of everyone for something that I didn't even do. It embarrassed me greatly. Anyway, they said they wouldn't be around anymore unless he apologized. Which he did. And a special Mother's Day for my mom I thought would be a nice gesture. He was just very grumpy the whole day, refused to help me with the few things I did ask for. The not having a relaxing day was definitely my doing, not his, so I do not hold that agaisnt him at all. And I told him not to get me a card or gift as I knew the day would cost enough as is. So that is all on me, I just wish he could have maybe helped make the day go smoother, not the other way around.

It's getting tiring to explain away the way he's acting to people now. He only used to be this way with me and not around other people. Not so much anymore. I'm not sure what to say anymore, like when my parents ask "What did we say wrong?" 
"Is he mad at us?" 


Just really confused at this point. Maybe it really is my doing. I feel like I'm living with Jekyll and Hide. He can be so wonderful and fun and we have a great time, and then like a switch, he'll suddenly act as if I'm nothing to him.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Everything else is scheduled so why not this? There should be no reason to be offended. The reason scheduling can work is so that you feel you are getting something and you have something to look forward to. Set aside (at least) one night a week for couple time and ask him to take you out at least once a month. Maybe go somewhere to watch the professional version of his hobby


I completely understand the benefit of having it clearly marked on a schedule. You're right. 

I like your suggestion, thank you, but I'm not sure how to suggest it to him without making him feel like I'm asking too much of him if he's already feeling like I'm being too needy. Any ideas?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Something is not right with these mood swings of his.

Any chance of getting him to a Dr. and explaining this? Any history of Bi-polar disorders in his fsmily?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Toffer said:


> Something is not right with these mood swings of his.
> 
> Any chance of getting him to a Dr. and explaining this? Any history of Bi-polar disorders in his fsmily?


There may be, never say never, right? He does not acknowledge the mood swings, however, it's only in my head. No known bi-polar history.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

That sounds intolerable to me. I'm sorry you're in such a toxic situation. I don't think expecting to be able to stay in bed all day and do whatever you want when you have a wife and child is okay. And the sneaking off with the car is just bizarre.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Divorce is back on... maybe? I'm not sure. He's not speaking to me. 

Perhaps River is right, maybe I'm being controlling and forcing him away.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nightshade said:


> Divorce is back on... maybe? I'm not sure. He's not speaking to me.
> 
> Perhaps River is right, maybe I'm being controlling and forcing him away.


Maybe you are being controlling to some degree, maybe you are not. With the silent treatment, who knows? Your husband is exhibiting signs of bipolarism, but it could be something else entirely.

The thing is, you are living in fear. You are also trying to gear your behavior to do whatever will keep hubs passified. That isn't working, because it sounds like he keeps you off balance and blows up out of the blue.

I hope you are beginning to see that how you behave around him will not control his behavior. I hope you are also beginning to realize that walking on eggshells, being threatened with divorce, and being fearful that anything you say could bring about a crazy response, is no way to live.

Time to put on the big-girl panties. What do you really, truly believe would be the worst outcome if you told him you are not putting up with his sh!t, left the house, and stayed out for several hours? Would he leave for good? Would he leave but return? Would he get physically abusive?

Maybe it's time to let go of your fears and see what he does. No, do NOT yell, get in his face, or make idle threats. Just set a boundary and enforce it. Such as, "I refuse to be talked to that way. I am leaving the house for awhile. If you wish to have a rational discussion and speak to me with respect when I return, fine. If not, I suggest one of us consider moving out."

Takes guts. He may divorce you. Okay, so you make sure you get child support and some form of spousal maintenance so you can get back on your feet. 

Don't you tink it is about time you find out whether he is bluffing or not? And I'm not ruling out that he may be bipolar, but if he is, and does not wish to seek treatment, then you are going to live like this until .... ???


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## oakhillady (May 23, 2012)

Prodigal is right. What is the worst that can happen? How bout next time you take the keys and go somewhere. Leave him a note or something, ask him to call you when he's calm and ready to discuss things with you. It sounds like he might be under a HUGE amount of stress, or he could be having some other mental issues. 

Recently, my SO was going through a lot of stress and being very nit-picky and blameful every time I did something wrong, but it wasn't nearly as bad as what you are describing. Either call him when you are away from the house, or give him a massage (and a beer  ) to put him in a good mood so that you can start a *short* and *calm* discussion. Ask him, honey is something going on in your life that you aren't sharing, some stress that is bothering you? Let him know that you don't want to feel like you are enemies, you just want to understand what is happening. Be calm, and it will help him be calm. If it doesn't work, then you should just go somewhere else with your child for a weekend to give him time away from you.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Prodigal & oakhilllady - Thank you for your responses. I think you're right. I'm certainly feeling like calling his bluff is a step I want to take right now.

Right now, he is playing a game with me. At first, it was not speaking to me. Didn't react. Going out of his way to be stop home for "lunch" to ignore me. Didn't react. Which I didn't even see him to acknowledge him being home. Then it was being nice and somewhat normal, pleasant and chit chatting with me. I responded in kind, made dinner, etc. But sat away from me on the sofa, made great effort to avoid accidentally touching me then seemed to hover around me and tried to make a production out the fact his was taking his pillows downstairs to sleep on the couch again. Didn't react. Then, it was changing his plans for tonight, he said one thing last night and this morning "oh, I didn't have time to tell you last night, but..." and will basically be out all evening. Didn't react. Then he texts me for essentially nothing. 

It's become quite clear that it's all designed to punish me/upset me. He seems very eager to to create opportunities to ignore me or get a reaction from me. There is no point calling him out on it, he will deny it. I know he thinks that while he keeps me in a state of suspense he can get away with murder. It will just continue this way and I'm not sure I can live with such immaturity anymore. I'm very close to being out the door. 

All I've gotten from him about whats going on is the he needs time. The more I've been thinking, the more I'm starting to realize, it's not so much about me or problems within our marriage that are making him angry. He's angry at having responsibility and I really think he's trying to scare me into -under the threat of divorce- into letting him be a teenager..?

It was the same thing when we had a newborn. In my sleep-deprived desperation when I asked him to help when I absolutely needed to take a nap or have a shower, it was suddenly, he wasn't having enough "me" time. So it was less exhausting to go without than argue with him about it. 

Yes, he is stressed out. He get's stressed out when he has to take out the trash. I wish I was making that up.


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## oakhillady (May 23, 2012)

What a jerk. I don't know how many days you've been going through it, but I usually take a couple nights out of town when men act like that with me. Funny how they always want to run away from home, but when you go there's a big problem. I double dog dare you to take your son somewhere fun for the weekend.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> It's become quite clear that it's all designed to punish me/upset me. He seems very eager to to create opportunities to ignore me or get a reaction from me.


Well it's a good thing you recognize it for what it is. This way you won't make yourself crazy walking on eggshells until his next mood hits. 

I can't stand such childish behavior. Keep ignoring him, it'll keep you cool calm and collected. The best state of mind to plan your next move.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nightshade said:


> It's become quite clear that it's all designed to punish me/upset me. He seems very eager to to create opportunities to ignore me or get a reaction from me. There is no point calling him out on it, he will deny it. I know he thinks that while he keeps me in a state of suspense he can get away with murder. It will just continue this way and I'm not sure I can live with such immaturity anymore. I'm very close to being out the door.


Yes, and there are plenty of folks out there who just love creating drama in order to feel emotionally stimulated. Why? Because they are detached and depersonalized from their own emotions. Sure, your husband is ticked off. But at the stuff you've discussed? Heck no! He IS angry, so he displaces it onto you.

YOU ARE NOT A TARGET. Repeat ... YOU ARE NOT A TARGET! 

I walked out on two husbands. Both alcoholics. Both drama-junkies. What was the same in both of those relationships? ME. I would rather live alone in a dumpy old efficiency apartment then ever, ever tolerate all the crap tossed at me by two drama junkies. Ever. Again.

I walked out on what I call, "blind faith." Darned if it hasn't kept me alive through stuff you wouldn't begin to imagine. So, the worst that happened to me is, I have less space. I do not have the luxury of a three-car garage. I do not have the luxury of DirecTV with hi-def TiVO. Gee, some loss ...

I am poor. At times I am lonely. But I am free from being a nervous wreck. There is NOTHING WORSE in this entire world as driving towards the house, seeing if his car is there or not, and breathing a sigh of relief to have a few minutes of peace and quiet before he comes in the door.

BTW, it comes at a price. JMO, but I believe many people on TAM are ready to walk, sick of their circumstances, but they are afraid (naturally!) of the price to be paid. Truth be told? I paid a price. And once I found the peace and quiet I love, and the lack of conflict .... it was worth it. 

I am dirt poor, even though I am highly educated and, I think (in my never-to-be-humble opinion), fairly erudite. I paid the high price for peace.

It was worth it. Every. Single. Stinkin'. Sacrificing. Minute.

Believe me. I live it every single day.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I heart Prodigal. 

I can do bad all by myself!!! Peace of mind is better than anything else that I could ever want for or conjure up.

Good for you!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, thank you, A Bit Much. Hey, I am no hero. I am not any sort of special person. Believe me!!:lol: But I had to make a choice or go crazy living in the laa-laa-land of indecision. Heck, that is no place to live! But, maybe it is for many people.

I'd rather be sitting in sh!t unstuck than sitting in a bigger pile of sh!t stuck!


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Again, thank you for the replies. 

Plans have been made for the weekend. So a reprive in sight. And I definitely plan on staying calm and collected in the meantime.

Prodigal - some of what you've said has really resonated with me. I certainly know if I leave it will not be an easy road. My life will look very different. But with so much doubt about the path I'm on, maybe that's the right choice. 

You're absolutely right about his anger. He is angry, but not at what he says. Any issue, no mater how major or minor, is used as catalyst to vie for something else. It's too much.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nightshade said:


> It's too much.


You have your answer.

It is just a matter of believing in yourself enough to go to any lengths to take hold of that solution.

Most of the he!! we live in is a he!! of our own making; at least on this planet. I firmly believe that. 

Keep posting. Try to stay strong. We humans seem to have an un-human fear of the unknown. But what is the worst that can happen? You are standing in a major street intersection, with your kids, and a sign saying, "Work for Food"? Do you REALLY think that would be what happens to you?

Sit down and think about the WHAT-IF's that are holding you back. They aren't fun, but they are a whole lot worse than what you imagine.

Once you go through everything you possibly imagine could happen to you, and you come out the other side in one piece, THEN you will truly know that your Higher Power is going to pull you through it. I'm living proof.

P.S. - Apologies to any agnostics or atheists I may have offended with my belief in a Higher Power whom I choose to call "God."


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Most of the he!! we live in is a he!! of our own making; at least on this planet. I firmly believe that.


This is sooooooooo true, and I believe that too.

I also believe that we keep experiencing the same problems and difficulties in life until we learn from them. Mistakes are only mistakes the first time IMO. After that, you should know better and you're only hurting yourself.

Learn the lesson, then you're able to move onward and upward. You have a new outlook and better experiences and opportunities suddenly appear. I've been through some pretty dark times, and some of them more than once because I was too proud or whatever to leave or make the better more sensible choice. 

I had to learn the hard way that love isn't always enough. I had to learn the hard way that putting people on pedestals would cause ME more harm than good. I had to learn the hard way that no matter how much you give love to a person, it doesn't mean they will love you back. It doesn't mean they will give ANYTHING to you. I had to learn the hard way that the ones you hold closest to you can also be the ones that will hurt you the most. They will lie to you, betray your trust. They will always put their own needs and wants over you, because that's who they are. Once I accepted this, life seems to be easier. It's not a picnic by any means, but things don't bother me like they used to.

I also have left 2 husbands behind. Started over with nothing but clothes in garbage bags the first time, the second time I had a little bit more , but I was determined to NOT allow myself to be mistreated. I'm remarried to #3, now for almost 10 years, and I tell you what... I've not had 1 moment of grief or pain with him. Lessons learned have brought me quite the bounty.


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