# After the dust has settled - have you ever thought about doing it back to them?



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So after the dust has settled from discovery, confrontation, etc. and if there was R, have you ever found yourself in the situation where even for a minute you thought 

"You know, i could cross a boundary with this other person, and my SO really wouldn't have a leg to stand on. They did it, maybe I should just take my turn?"

I'm just wondering.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No not in my situation. I was too bonded, sexually and emotionally, to my ex-wife that I just could not do it.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Why not just have an open marriage. Two wrongs will not make a right! I get the feeling that the one who first cheated wouldn't be as hurt as you were and still are in pain.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

No. I'm not an asshat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

yes i thought about it but then i figured i was looking for a healthier change in my life and infidelity was not that healthy of an option.
I mean why add more drama and unhealthy behaviors to my life, if i go down that road I'll just tell her and let my fWW make the choice to toloarate it or bail on me.
In short I took the high road and will continue to do so....I'm happier for it. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside,knowing i have the moral fortitude to stay away from the crap my W did.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let chime in on my own thread and add: nope would not, would not, would not.

but I do think it would be nice if you could capture the feeling of betrayal and hurt inflected upon you - but it in a bottle - and share it with the SO who did it.

maybe someday in the future that'll be the punishment for cheating - you have to taste what the hurt you cause.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Let chime in on my own thread and add: nope would not, would not, would not.
> 
> but I do think it would be nice if you could capture the feeling of betrayal and hurt inflected upon you - but it in a bottle - and share it with the SO who did it.
> 
> maybe someday in the future that'll be the punishment for cheating - you have to taste what the hurt you cause.


The pain of the betrayal from infidelity is not something you would wish upon even your worse enemy but it is something you would give to your own spouse just so they could know how it feels.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

I definitely didn't have that thought pop in my head after the dust settled. Even now that I'm going for D, my boundaries are still up. I think my stbxw has felt enough pain over my hurt. I wouldn't mind if OM someday experiences it, but since I'm a believer in karma, I don't really have to worry about it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I would be lying if I said I've never thought about it. But I would never ever be able to go through with it because it's so detestable to me. I saw what how my serial cheater Dad hurt my Mom with it, I could never be like him. 

And I could never even the score because that would validate her own cheating because she could say we're even now. Nope. While I've thought about it in anger, I couldn't go through with it.

Besides, I think I've lost some skillz and would remember how to play the game.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

LOL. I like having two feet to stand on. It suits ME. I would not direct my energy into an activity that detracts from what I want in life. One of the things I enjoy is a marriage, maybe the marriage has had its challenges, but to actively and consciously add to them, I don't see the point.

Sure, there are people who might be interested in me. There are some that are predatory, I'm not interested. The other ones, the quality people, are those that have respect for me AND my marriage. I could destroy my marriage, my respect for myself and that I get from others, and my friendships all at once. The minute you cheat with someone or otherwise indicate to someone that you would cheat on your spouse, if the person were a quality person, one that would meet my standards in a relationship...well, he should reject me, if he doesn't I'd lose respect for him. Either way, it's a loss. What I like is when men legitimately give me compliments and appropriate affection that I deserve. 

There is also no need for revenge activity. People tend to bring their own punishment on themselves...there's no need to add to it. My "revenge" is staying with my H, some days he agrees :rofl:

One doesn't have to be a doormat or a pushover or lose respect for oneself to stay in a marriage with someone who has faltered or made tragic decisions for the marriage. One only needs to be interested in the process of building and maintaining a marriage. There's a difference. Activity that shoots ones desires in the foot doesn't seem like retribution or revenge or justifiable action to me, it just seems like more punishment, only self-inflicted, so even more difficult to get over.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> The pain of the betrayal from infidelity is not something you would wish upon even your worse enemy but it is something you would give to your own spouse just so they could know how it feels.


Oh hell yes it is! But only for a little while to show her what she has put me through! BUT...I would then rescue her from that hell that she has put me through so many times.I would not let anyone go through the hurt and pain I have went thru. 4 times she has left me after I confront her about her flirting and at the least an EA she had going on,and each of those times has been as death to me. In fact,I do feel that she has murdered me 4 times that's how much it has hurt. 
But,going thru the actual cheating to just be vindictive would make me feel cheaper than dirt. Matter of fact, I won't look for another woman to just date after my divorce. I want to love and be loved.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm on record as doing as such

stopped myself though



Almostrecovered said:


> Whoops-
> 
> I almost forgot
> 
> ...


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Thought about it? Sure, but my ethics, morals, etc would not let me cheat. It would contravene all that I stood for. The lies, the dishonesty would be just too much for me internally.

I would feel so guilty I would probably wouldn't be able to perform.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My SO did indeed have a revenge A. My story is on here, as is his side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

To be honest, after reading all the many threads/posts, I _would be capable _of doing it... sorry, but its true. Call me vindictive, vengeful, otherwise. Then again, I wouldn't take her back. Infidelity is a TOTAL dealbreaker for me.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> No. I'm not an asshat.


LOL. Well I earned asshat of the year last year. I did it. It was purely out of a need for vengeance and spite. Did not feel she really understood what was done to me so I would show her. Worst mistake of my life.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Pidge, if I may ask. Do you feel you grasped the severity of infidelity in general moreso, than if he wouldn't have cheated?


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

No I wouldn't. religion morals reasons aside no because its makes us just like them and hypocrites
no they should have ended things before cheating so should we. Plus they wouldn't 
be as effectef as we are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Pidge, if I may ask. Do you feel you grasped the severity of infidelity in general moreso, than if he wouldn't have cheated?


I'm pidge's man. I'll let her answer but she told me that my A opened her eyes.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Initially after finding out yes the thought did cross my mind. In a discussion about his EA I even told him that the only way he could really understand how I feel (he kept telling he understood when I told his how the EA affected me) was for me to put him through it all in exactly the same fashion. H said he would leave me if I did, I responded "Well you see now I'm actually a caring human being instead of a scum sucking a$$h0le so that is why I wouldn't do it" H didn't have much to say after that. Granted I was pissed off when I told him that but I believe I'm a better person for staying true to my vows.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> she told me that my A *opened her eyes*.


This is what I mean. Even with all the guilt and remorse, I don't think they(WS) will ever know the extent of what they did. Until they get their comeuppance. 

Like you said in your post- "*Did not feel she really understand what was done to me* so I would show her."


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> This is what I mean. Even with all the guilt and remorse, I don't think they(WS) will ever know the extent of what they did. Until they get their comeuppance.
> 
> Like you said in your post- "*Did not feel she really understand what was done to me* so I would show her."


Yes, I got my "comeuppance". He also now has to live with knowing he's a cheater as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

^Yeah... no doubt about that.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> So after the dust has settled from discovery, confrontation, etc. and if there was R, have you ever found yourself in the situation where even for a minute you thought
> 
> "You know, i could cross a boundary with this other person, and my SO really wouldn't have a leg to stand on. They did it, maybe I should just take my turn?"
> 
> I'm just wondering.


Oh heck yes! Absolutely, and I have had multiple opportunities.

The thing is, I'm a very logical person and understand this would be pointless because it does nothing to actually change the situation. So I decided to channel that negative energy into something more constructive and started working on a reconciliation / exit plan.

That way if it turned out to be a false R (which it has) I would be all set to drop the hammer on the marriage right out of left field leaving her wondering WTF just happened. 

Like my dad always said; "Never try to con a con." 

Cheers,

rotor


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I got 4 kids to worry about.
It's bad enough that their mother's lost their respect, wtf would it do to them to see Dad act the asshat?
No, I got too much resting on me here.
I'd play a quid on the lottery once in a while. I'll put a fiver into the Grand National once a year, but there's no prize worth staking my little family and my love for them to gamble. I won't bet what I can't afford to lose. Regardless what she did.
Besides, if we split, I still get to walk away with 100% of my integrity to share with a worthy person.
That's vengence enough.
I'm squeeky clean.
Squeeky.


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

It just isn't in me to cheat- (the offers are pouring in now Lol not!) I could no more cheat than I could
commit murder or steal it would completely alter who I have been all my life and take away any righteous indignation about cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

TWO Wrongs can never make a right. What if you hurt or get into trouble while trying to revenge? It is not worth it at.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Not after the dust had settled, but I did right after I found out. I was so hurt, and I got sick and tired of hearing how I was a better person and I'd never cheat. I thought about having a revenge fling. I came to my senses and didn't though, and now I'm thankful every day that I didn't.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Yep , thought about it directly after, and after the dust settled. Even went as far as to have an agreement with my H that I could go out and have an affair, and he could say nothing. I only said it out of hurt and anger. When I get angry, I get super logical LMAO. 

Fortunately, I didn't want to lose myself just to get back at him. I think I would have lot a huge piece of who I am if I did. Wasn't willing to do that.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I would not compromise my personal principles for a revenge affair.

When my wife an I were in our darkest days years ago she actually told me that if I wanted an affair she would be OK with it as long as I didn't leave the marriage. I was stunned at this.

Even with "her OK", I could never have done it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course I thought about it but knowing my wife, she would use my doing such a think AFTER she had betrayed me as justification in her mind for what she had done.

Too convoluted, but I would not want her to throw back at me what is hers alone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

not in this situation but if I were I would.

at least I think I would.never know until your faced with that type of decission.

don't think I could ever takr mt wife back if she cheated


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

Not really. I had that passing urge right after I found out, you know?! 

In the heat of the moment, because I was still very angry. 

But thank goodness I did not do it. I don't think two wrongs make one right, so...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Don't get mad, get even!!!!

I would never be able to do it.. It would just make you feel like crap anyway...Why stoop to their level


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

I'm sure there are people who've done it.

I've heard that some WS even grant their BS's a so-called "free pass."


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I often believe one has to be a betrayed spouse to really know what they would do upon discovering infidelity.

Before I knew of my H's affair, I used to say cheating was a dealbreaker. I always claimed I would promptly screw someone else, then file for divorce if my H ever cheated.

Strange how on d-day my reaction was far from the one I used to spout. In reality, the grief was so overwhelming the thought of having sex with anyone was unimaginable and outright repulsive. Even more shocking was my consent to attempt R. Granted, I thought it was a long shot those first few weeks and only gave us a 3% chance of making it at the time.

Now it's been about 1 year since d-day. Have I thought about a revenge affair? I'd be a liar if I said the random affair fantasy hadn't crossed my mind over the past year. But it was always just an errant thought, not something I ever seriously considered. My H and I have talked about this a lot, and he has offered the "free pass" if I need it to make us work. However, I'm just not interested in sex with anyone but my husband. 

Plus, I like having a squeeky clean record. I'm with Numb-Badger on that one. There's something about being able to say I held my marriage vows sacred that makes a revenge affair even less tempting.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

To be honest, if my wife had not attempted suicide, I probably would have screwed as many women as I could get, not for revenge, but I would have thought that my marriage was over and would have had exit affairs.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> I've heard that some WS even grant their BS's a so-called "free pass."


My WW indeed offered me just that, I said thanks, but no thanks. Never strayed myself in ten years of our marriage, despite the many opportunities. There is little point doing it now, I feel myself ****ty enough already.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Well, my wife offered me a free pass after her 9 months affair. She spend 6 months trying to explain how it felt to be with someone else while still loving your spouse. 

I couldn't relate to it in any way, and I had difficulties understanding her story. Further as a result of her affair; my self esteem totally vanished from one day to another. This "unexpected" consequence was hurting her, I could tell.

So she decided to push me to get some extramarital sex. To see what is was like and to regain some confidence in my self.

And I did go out - twice. And I am glad I did! I suddenly understood what the h... my wife talked about earlier, and my self esteem was boosted significantly! I now KNEW for sure, that it had nothing to do with me not being good enough at all - and that I was quite able to get attention from other attractive women.

It has helped me a lot - but of course it raises some other future issues to deal with, though. There is no such thing as a free lunch.


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## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

be active you dont care others thank you


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hmm

You've got me thinking.

Maybe I should hire a gigolo on my 40th birthday as well? ;-)

Seriously though - no way. Being on the receiving end of infidelity is just dire.

Jen


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

cpacan said:


> And I did go out - twice. And I am glad I did! I suddenly understood what the h... my wife talked about earlier, and my self esteem was boosted significantly! I now KNEW for sure, that it had nothing to do with me not being good enough at all - and that I was quite able to get attention from other attractive women.
> 
> It has helped me a lot - but of course it raises some other future issues to deal with, though. There is no such thing as a free lunch.


You said you went out twice, but what happened?

Did you just flirt with other women to see what it felt like speding some time with someone other than your spouse, or did you actually sleep with them? (I am not judging by the way, I am just curious as to what went on.)

By the way I agree with you, there's no such as a free lunch. That's why I did not cheat back.

I feel the cheater may have only given you a free-pass in the heat of the moment, and they might hold it against you later on.


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## Tigrlily (Dec 27, 2011)

Saffron said:


> I often believe one has to be a betrayed spouse to really know what they would do upon discovering infidelity.
> 
> Before I knew of my H's affair, I used to say cheating was a dealbreaker. I always claimed I would promptly screw someone else, then file for divorce if my H ever cheated.
> 
> ...


Before the actual affair, I always thought I'd forgive one if it ever happened (never told him that, of course), because I really believed that I would be able to separate a fling from the real love that we shared. I just thought I'd be able to accept it as a mistake, and move on (provided that he was adequately remorseful, etc). When I found out, it took me a few weeks to even think clearly about anything, the pain was so intense.

The day I decided to R, I went out with three girlfriends for the first time since D-Day. I dolled myself UP...we hit the town. I left H at home to spend a little time with the kids. I WANTED to feel pretty and I WANTED to see if I still 'had it'. When we were leaving the first place we stopped at, I had a man tell me he'd been wanting to talk to me all night, and he gave me his business card. I sort of laughed it off later, like "A business card? Really?", but yeah, it was flattering. At the next stop we ended up talking quite a bit to two men who were sitting at the other end of our table casually - joking, comparing kids, jobs, etc., and I made it well known that we were out that night because I found out my husband was a cheater. Even though the evening was strictly friendly conversation, it was nice that, at my age (late 30's), being a mom of three, two attractive men spent their evening with me and my friends. Kind of the recharge I needed to decide "Okay, so if I wanted attention, I could get it too!". 

It was in this moment I realized I did not need that attention after all, and I went straight home to my H and told him I was willing to try to R.

Now that I've experienced what has turned out to be the most devastating, heart-shattering and foundation-splitting event in my life, I can easily say that I would never cheat to get even. I would not stroke my ego and pay for that with my husband's soul, because that's what I feel like he did to me.

I admit it was nice to know that I could still turn a head or two the night we all went out. But all that did was reinforce how much I loved my H, and how I really did mean it when I vowed myself to him.

I am so proud of my loyalty to him and to our vows...moreso than ever before.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

NatashaYurino said:


> You said you went out twice, but what happened?
> 
> Did you just flirt with other women to see what it felt like speding some time with someone other than your spouse, or did you actually sleep with them? (I am not judging by the way, I am just curious as to what went on.)
> 
> ...


Good questions, and there is more to the story. I went out twice and did have sex, not to get even in the sense of revenge, but I actually was curious about whether anybody wanted me and what it would be like to have sex with another woman.

I discovered that I was fully capable of scoring as well as enjoying the act. And so did my wife, who was well informed about my activities. It was very clear to me that it was very hard on her, and I think that for the first time, she realized how I had felt the last 5 months - and vice versa. 

And when I told her, that I might continue the activities, she became extremely jealous. I figure, like you suggested, that she didn't think that I either could nor would do it, or what it would all do to her.

Now we need to decide where to go from here, and that is extremely difficult, since she don't want me to go out, but at the same time she can't convince me, that she will remain monogamous in the future. So it's kind of "Oh, it's ok for me to do it, but I don't want you to" - which obviously none of us can or will live with.

Part of the story is, that we still love each other deeply, and wouldn't choose to grow old with any one else.

I think that our choices has not made it any easier to decide what to do, but I definitely feel a lot better about my self. If I had done it out of revenge though, I am not so sure it would have been the case.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

I have a different viewpoint on this. My wife had an EA, I know this for sure, and suspect more.

After being very bonded to her for 20 years, I started noticing that other woman were attracted to me. I stared flirting back a little. It worked! 

For me my mind was always in my marriage. However, discovering my wife's other side, more like accepting it as I think I knew all along, if felt good to be attractive to other women, or just a woman.

For me if I did pursue another woman it would not be to get even. Much as my wife gives her praise to other men, I like praise from women. Not about getting even if I did anything. I would see it more like perhaps getting what I finally deserve. The respect and admiration I deserve that my wife has so eagerly handed to other men for 20 years.

After all, I am 40-something, muscular, attractive, why should I not have respect and admiration when I give it.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Dust not yet settled.

So far though I have been feeling the need for outside validation. Not that I want to have an A, now or ever. However, I do find myself daydreaming like a silly teenager about meeting someone in the future when H and I are over and done with. Someone who'll love me in the way I felt he never did (or almost never did), then we'll live happily ever after with H pining away for me but too late? LOL.

Not a good idea to dwell on it though if I want efforts for R to work. But yeah, I'd love the attention if I got to turn a few heads and hear from someone that I'm a gem. Do I want that more than R ? Hell no!

It's just insecurity and anger playing with my head. Even now, writing this, I realize how ridiculously stupid the thoughts are! :rofl:


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## Berilo (Aug 2, 2011)

I think that, for the heretofore committed (and monogamous) spouse, a desire to have a post-discovery affair is actually a barometer of how such spouse views the future of the marriage.

In my case, after D-day, I was so crushed, hurt and mystified (and loved my wife) that I couldn't have looked at another woman.

As time went on, however, and it began to be apparent that my marriage was either fake from the beginning or now well and truly over, I began to entertain thoughts of other women. This wasn't at all "revenge", it was more about me getting on with (and back into) my life. 

Still haven't had any affair -- if its proper for a newly single person to call it such -- but I am happily keeping my eyes open for worthy single women candidates.  I know when I see her, the furthest thing from my mind will be my ex. Although I hope to be a whole lot wiser on the red-flag-spotting in the future ...


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

I believe it's natural for the betrayed spouse to feel an urge to commit the same crime. But you know why I think the real reason is why betrayed spouses want to step over the line? To answer more of questions that won't ever be answered ... 

Why did your spouse cheat on you?
How could your spouse cheat on you?
What did it feel like?
What happened?
What is cheating like?
We've shared so much together and now you've done this thing that I have no idea what it's like - I want to know so I can be connected to you with it (sounds weird - but on a deep level ... it's true).

If you do what your cheating spouse did - you think you would be able to answer so many of the unanswered questions you have...the only problem is that... not every cheating relationship is the same and it still wouldn't answer any questions. It will only create a slew more of them... 

Relationship Repair Coach


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

TooNiceDave said:


> I have a different viewpoint on this. My wife had an EA, I know this for sure, and suspect more.
> 
> After being very bonded to her for 20 years, I started noticing that other woman were attracted to me. I stared flirting back a little. It worked!
> 
> ...


Not a different view, really - this frames my thoughts as well - I just carried it through, though. Those were my feelings too - it was just that it was my wifes suggestion that opened my eyes to it.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So after the dust has settled from discovery, confrontation, etc. and if there was R, have you ever found yourself in the situation where even for a minute you thought
> 
> "You know, i could cross a boundary with this other person, and my SO really wouldn't have a leg to stand on. They did it, maybe I should just take my turn?"
> 
> I'm just wondering.


Oh I thought about it, but its just not me. I wouldn't feel good about myself if I were to have gotten a revenge affair. And any woman would be justified if they didn't want to have anything to do with me if I did, no matter what the reason. 

I feel great being able to truthfully tell any woman I date that I haven't cheated if the topic comes up.

If I dated a woman and I found out she cheated, even in revenge, I wouldn't care to date her any longer.


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I feel great being able to truthfully tell any woman I date that I haven't cheated if the topic comes up.


You should feel great about it. In fact, I think guys and gals who have never cheated should have badges they can wear when they go out. Should make you all hot commodities in the dating scene.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've never had a desire to carry on an EA or PA to "let him know how it feels." Just trying to find someone who will agree to your terms is hard enough. I'd hate to find myself on the other end of a revenge affair.

But it did help to know that I was still being found by other men attractive and desirable .....and that if my guy wanted to continue an EA with this woman then what we would have had together would not be significantly different from an FWB and, therefore, it would worth my while to pursue other men. In fact, I told my guy if he wanted to remain friends with this woman, we could go back to being "just friends" as well and then I could go out and find a real boyfriend. My guy has also said on many occasions that he sees men checking me out.

It was the above realization that gave me that strength to confront the issue with my guy. It's funny how on other relationship message boards that don't deal specifically with cheating, the majority of posters will tell you how insecure you for even being concerned. 

I still wonder if for some cheaters, if they thought that their partner had better options, would they have not cheated. I know I started a thread asking that. But I guess only those cheaters who have decided to reconcile sign on to this message board and obviously wouldn't view their partner as a loser for wanting to stay.

But still curious about the opinions of those cheaters who don't reconcile.


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## love_joy (Jan 10, 2012)

i did. i hate i did it. my husband was my 1st, but after 3 yrs of him continually cheating i was pissed and never really dealt w/those feelings. i pushed them back.

if i could do it over...i wouldnt have actually done it...only said i did


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So after the dust has settled from discovery, confrontation, etc. and if there was R, have you ever found yourself in the situation where even for a minute you thought
> 
> "You know, i could cross a boundary with this other person, and my SO really wouldn't have a leg to stand on. They did it, maybe I should just take my turn?"
> 
> I'm just wondering.


What a provocative thought Shaggy. For me I am still in pain and the dust has not even begun to settle for me. I received a phone call last week from a friend who is a doctor at the medical center where I worked for years until early October, 2011. He wanted to know how I was doing and I told him about my WS affair. He told me that he knows several chicks that he can hook me up with that he knows and anyone of them would be a great match for me. I laughed it off and told him I am trying to work things out.

The phone call gave me pause. Since d-day I have imagined a life without my WS and have peace about it. I love my wife dearly but she is not the only game in town and the pain that I am going through I would not wish on anyone and she caused it. 

I am squeakly clean, educated, smart, funny, and am moivng up in my new position. My 90 day eval was completed yesterday (I recieved a great eval) and my boss has been telling me that he will promote me again later this year (it is as high as I ever wanted to go) and he told me again that he hired me to replace him when he retires in two years and wants me to prepare for it and that it will be another promotion (higher then I ever thought possible). So as bad as I feel right now I have a great future. 

Would I cheat on my WS? It is not in me. I dealt with too many soldiers in Iraq that cheated or where cheated on and it was challenging having to deal with this crap on top of ongoing combat operations. I dealt with many suicidal soldiers because they found out their wives were cheating on them. I was responsible for an officer getting courts martialed for adultery (long story), because as she told me, she does not know why the Army does not want her to have fun (tell that to your husband and your lover's wife, Captain, Ma'am). You pissed off an old Master Sergeant who has no time for cheating scum, while we are loosing men in combat and all you can think of is your p**** needing some attention.

I am going to give R a try but I know I have a doctor friend who chicks in mind for me if I do decide on D.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

DesperateHeart said:


> You should feel great about it. In fact, I think guys and gals who have never cheated should have badges they can wear when they go out. Should make you all hot commodities in the dating scene.


I think so too

And  right back at ya


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Hi Shaggy,

I've considered it and ruled it out. If I were going to do something out of vengeance it would not be something that put me into the very position I despised, of cheating and destroying my integrity. Revenge is different. If you were to take revenge you need to do something you can walk away from without regret that will sting its targets whenever they think about it. 

For example,... put the cheating spouse in a position where they end up with their heart's desire - their Affair Partner.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

What would happen if you took the cheating-part away and actually told your spouse, that you planned on going out?
Their reaction could be determining the next step, whether to carry through or just let the "threat" hang in the air to open their eyes.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So after the dust has settled from discovery, confrontation, etc. and if there was R, have you ever found yourself in the situation where even for a minute you thought
> 
> "You know, i could cross a boundary with this other person, and my SO really wouldn't have a leg to stand on. They did it, maybe I should just take my turn?"
> 
> I'm just wondering.


Absolutely not. I have more respect for myself than to carry the label of cheater, whether it was for revenge against another cheater or not

I'd become someone any decent woman shouldn't want anything to do with after that.

And if I am dating a woman, and somehow found out she cheated in the past, I'd no longer consider a relationship with her. A cheater is a cheater. Excuses don't matter.


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## Karl (Jan 14, 2012)

Yes the thought did occur as the dust was settling. I acted on it with two different women...had to out cheat the cheater. I know I lost the moral high ground in doing so, I had to walk in the shoes of the other half. Had to see how it felt to lie, deny and make excuses! Made me feel like ****, but I had to do it! Does this make me a bad person for doing this? Was/is this a normal reaction?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A large number of betrayed spouses do end up cheating. 

I thought about it... not in that I thought about me actually doing it. You know those thoughts that go through your mind that seem to come from nowhere. They were there. I never once even contemplated even acting on it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A large number of betrayed spouses do end up cheating.


That is true and it is largely because of rug sweeping of the original affair by both spouses.


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