# Spending the night in a hotel by myself?



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

We are in sex therapy but we are still in the intake/getting the history stage. Long story but my h's drive has gone way down, he stopped performing oral and got really vanilla and boring. We have been in many fights about this. I know I haven't handled the situation well sometimes because I felt like he gave up on trying to have a good sex life once he knew he "had" me. 
So I'm like the man and he's like the woman. Since we started therapy a month ago it has become worse. He now never initiates, we are once a week maybe, it's not very passionate, and we have a box full of toys we hardly use. 
Last night we went out with friends and had a good time. It's been about a week since we had sex. We have been getting along well, I thought maybe he might have some desire for me. We both drank and usually we loosen up more and he is in the mood more. He just wasn't into it. 
I went to our therapist today to get my background history and ended up crying my eyes out about sex a d how I feel like he's not attracted to me, and that he was just being über sexual in the beginning to get me to marry him. 
I felt better after talking to her but I'm still upset. I'm thinking about going to a hotel by myself for the night so I can fulfill my needs in privacy. I just don't know if that would hurt or help our marriage. I don't know if he would be upset but obviously he doesn't care about upsetting me sexually or trying to make an effort. (she did say we are going to have work to do and assignments and that kind of thing.) I appreciate that he is willing to go to therapy with me but right now I miss expressing myself sexually freely. Running into the shower and hiding it isn't going to do it for me. Duty sex isn't going to do it for me. 
One of the reasons why we started is because he gets upset when he knows I'm masturbatung. I just don't want to deal with the drama here. 
So would I be acting in a selfish counterproductive way by going to spend the night in a hotel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, I'm way too independent, but yeah. You don't have to even tell him why. Just that you've been upset and you need to clear your head.

I think it's a good idea, myself, although I'm sure you'll get some other opinions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I would hand him a movie he's wanted to watch, and tell him to give you some privacy for a couple hours. You shouldn't be embarassed about taking care of your own needs, and you shouldn't have to leave the house to do it. If this hurts his feelings, let him bring it up in counseling.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, no, she shouldn't have to leave the house, but it's pretty impossible to have a satisfying sexual experience when someone is glowering at you from the other room.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Well, no, she shouldn't have to leave the house, but it's pretty impossible to have a satisfying sexual experience when someone is glowering at you from the other room.


Solution: close the door, or take a nice long bath... My GF kind of likes her tub faucet, in any case. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Dont tell him what you are doing.... just do it. If you have that much pent up energy... I second the bathroom thing, etc. If you leave for the night, that could just start all sort of suspicions, not sure if you want to go there or not. I wasn't always cool with my spouse masturbating either, especially if you are having sex once a week... to me quality over quanity, but I get it, you have needs, but you shouldn't have to leave the house, and if you do, and you tell him why.... he will suspect cheating.... I would instead take the bathtub approach, tell him you are going to bed early to read or something close the door, lock it, if he happens to try to come in, oopps, dont know how that happened..... or are you a loud masturbator? If that is the case, than I would just be straight with him, ask him if he wants to watch, see if you can get some arousal out of him that way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are like the HD woman, and he is like a low drive man. lol. 

I'm sorry you are going through this though. I don't know if I'd have the patience.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Im just sad that there are men out there who get upset when their wife masturbates. I wanna know AND watch!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Has he been to a doctor and had hormone levels checked, etc?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

LOL Ghost, so does Mr. Lamaga! Alas, I'm not quite there yet...


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

lamaga said:


> LOL Ghost, so does Mr. Lamaga! Alas, I'm not quite there yet...


Why is that? Why are some women (men too I guess) so embarrassed about things like this in front of the person they should be most connected to? The person who will (or at least should) just them the least?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Drover, I don't know -- but for me, it seems like there is nothing much to see. It's not like watching a guy (and trust me, I LOVE watching a guy jerk off).

Hey, I'm working on it.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Drover, I don't know -- but for me, it seems like there is nothing much to see. It's not like watching a guy (and trust me, I LOVE watching a guy jerk off).


Trust me, for him it would be just like it is for you watching a guy jerk off. It would make him just as excited as that does for you.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Drover, I don't know -- but for me, it seems like there is nothing much to see. It's not like watching a guy (and trust me, I LOVE watching a guy jerk off).
> 
> Hey, I'm working on it.


Boy, that's the pot calling the kettle black!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

What do you mean, HB?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

**** no he doesn't want to watch. Thanks everyone, I think it's a bad idea. I think he feels bad about it, so do I. 
It is very hard to do anything sexual when someone is glowering in another room.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

FWIW diwali I had the same issue. She didn't want sex and didn't give any affection really (didn't for years) so eventually I was just taking care of it myself. I figured she'd prefer it that way. Then months later she brings up that she felt I emotionally left her alone when I did that. I didn't get it. Still don't.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Drover and Diwali... I can offer some insight... when you have to take care of yourself like that, it breeds resentment and you take it out on your spouse in other ways, whether you realize it or not... even simply attitude. In Diwalis case, she is still getting sex, once a week, her spouse and her have an issue of mismatched quanity.... Drover I have written your post... but that is why the spouse then feels emotionally ditached... it's bizzare, I felt that way too... even though before when my libido was low, I felt shame and guilt that my husband took to masturbating.. and i was angry about it. But I didn't know then how to fix the problem... luckily time was on my side, and we were still having sex... I was so bogged down emotionally from things outside my marriage my marriage was no longer a priority. I find that to be the case in a lot of these situations.... priority seems to be a key factor.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> What do you mean, HB?


Want to watch, but don't want to BE watched

I think many women are that way. We men, I guess we just whip out the winkie without a second thought.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes I think there is an element of that. He told me a while back about having a fantasy that I think he is disturbed by and after that things went south. But before that even the frequency and the quality were going down hill. He had stopped performing oral even though previously told me he loved it. 
The therapist told me that it doesn't mean that he's not attracted to me, that he told her in his session how much he loves me and I'm his best friend. I said he's not attracted to me anymore like he was and she went on about the chemicals that go off in your brain when you first meet. I told her there's more to it. She said we would work on it and it will get better. 
She said some people equate sex with love. Um from what I've read on here it's standard psychology for men to do that and it's ok but when women are like that something is off?
I think I wanted to go to a hotel because I was mad too. And them I ended up with a migraine from hell. Sometimes when those are developing I get really emotional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> Honestly, I would hand him a movie he's wanted to watch, and tell him to give you some privacy for a couple hours. You shouldn't be embarassed about taking care of your own needs, and you shouldn't have to leave the house to do it. If this hurts his feelings, let him bring it up in counseling.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agree....this is not new or crazy...and you don't have to tell him what you are doing. Alone time is Alone time.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Drover said:


> Why is that? Why are some women (men too I guess) so embarrassed about things like this in front of the person they should be most connected to? The person who will (or at least should) just them the least?


You mean, why are LD men and women angry that their unsatisfied spouses MB?

1. You have a fair number of prudes who think it's dirty / think that the HD spouse is some sort of sex addict.
2. The LD spouse resents being reminded of their failure (although oddly enough failing does not bother them).
3. The LD spouse feels pressured to perform (i.e. believes that MB is amping up the drive and making the situation worse).


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry, no he hasn't had his levels checked. He started taking an antidepressant for chronic headaches and I think it might be zapping his desire of not his ability to get hard. Last night it seemed like he was in the mood, he was on too of me and we started kissing and he started kissing me like he didn't want to have sex. Like the quick closed mouth kisses. Then he said "I don't want to hurt you." wtf? I think he can't get it up. I'm just confused because how do guys know the difference between not in the mood and ED? I know that sounds dumb but what of you can get hard sometimes but then other times it just doesn't happen, and a guy can say he wasnt in the mood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also he found a toy of mine that I use by myself. It's a rabbit and not something he would want to use on me. He hardly ever uses them on me anyway and this thing is bigger than him. I was trying to find something that replicates oral since he won't do it and I think it is pretty close. He seemed upset but if you aren't or can't meet my needs what am
I supposed to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Also he found a toy of mine that I use by myself. It's a rabbit and not something he would want to use on me. He hardly ever uses them on me anyway and this thing is bigger than him. I was trying to find something that replicates oral since he won't do it and I think it is pretty close. He seemed upset but if you aren't or can't meet my needs what am
> I supposed to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bf got very senstive with the idea of my "rabbit" (even though the rabbit is smaller than his d***), he hated and got super depressed, because he thought he can't pleasure me, when its the complete opposite. He really thought he couldn't meet my needs either.

So I went on amazong and ordered Clone A Willy (I ordered two, and glad I did cause we messed up on the first one). It even has the option of putting vibrator into it. So that is what we did, we cloned his d***and he loves watching me masturbate now, it made him realize that I was his junk before any toy. 

Now that my bf has seen me masturbate with his clone, now he is comforable with the rabbit, he doens't feel out-manned any more, and even though I hid it he was the one who suggested to bring it back into sex play.

Up until we made that clone, my bf did NOT like the ideas of dildos/rabbits/ or vibrators, but now that has all changed, and now he loves watching me get off, because it gets him off and makes him feel good and horny.

I think you should get down to it and ask him why he has no desire for sex, whether it's ED or something else. I don't think he is being completely honest, I suggest you talk to him, suggest cloning his d*** so that u can still get off and it's still technically his d***


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

You have needs, she isn't interested in partaking at that time. I don't see anything wrong with taking care of yourself. 

Different if you were choosing that over intimacy with your partner, but it doesn't sound like you are.

If she doesn't want to watch then tell her to leave the bathroom door shut.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[but for me, it seems like there is nothing much to see]

There is a whole lot I like to see and when my wife is laying next to me so I can see her face and feel her body tense up there is nothing like it.When my wife and I staterd dating and she brought a sex toy with her after the first few times I thought this is the woman for me and I had a big smile on my face.

When I was dating years ago some women would say they did not get themselves off so I would move their hands down and all of them took it away no problem. 

If it makes you feel more comfertable go to a hotel because to have some major Os you have to feel relaxed and even though you can do it in the bathroom you wil still feel the precents of your husband which you don't want then because its about the FEELINGS AND THE O.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Onelovexo: does it feel the same?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Onelovexo: does it feel the same?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It’s feels definitely a lot like real d***, you may just have to use a lil lube just like with many other silicone toys. I love the one I made with my bf, it’s literally exact replica, so if you enjoy your husband and some vibrations than it’s fantastic. Sometimes we will use it during sex and do two holes at once or sometimes he just watches me masturbate, or "warm" up for anal, lolz 

However it’s not as awesome as the rabbit (with rabbit I can orgasm like 15 times) but it’s still feels great. I think you should clone it with him, that was he won’t feel like he is competing with other toys. Invite him to watch sometime, I doubt he will say no since it’s replica of his d***. 

I remember I masturbated for my bf with the rabbit and video’d it, this was before I was comfortable doing it face to face. I remember my bf did not like the video much because I was using the rabbit, so I thought he just didn’t want to watch ME. 
I realized it wasn’t ME who was the problem, it was the RABBIT. My bf broke down crying about it, so that is when I suggested we clone his ****. He loved the idea and it was fun.

After we used his replica a couple time, he realized it’s not that I prefer the rabbit over him, it’s just an easier way to get off in short time. Now he brings into bed play once in a while, I was so surprised when he pulled the rabbit out instead of his replica. 
It’s just didn’t bother him anymore.

I think your husband is the same way. NO man does not want to watch his wife masturbate, most wish for it. But the RABBIT is a big problem, it’s a turn off for them, but that can change if you do what I did.

I would get clone-a-willy, clone his **** one night (get 2 sets in case you screw up like we did, and read over the instructions couple time before you clone it and prepare all the stuff before you start).

Than take his replica and video yourself masturbating, message it to him one day, I am sure he will love it, and if he has positive response to it than you can proceed with some face to face masturbation session.

After we cloned my bf’s **** we never had a problem/arguments about any of my toys. Dildos/rabbits to men is like porn to many women. Both men and women use those things to get a quick fix, however it should never “replace” sex in your life, and I think your husband is feeling jealous of the toy, more than anything


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

OneLoveXo said:


> NO man does not want to watch his wife masturbate,


false.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Wow what's wrong with this guy? I love going down on my wife. 

I get sad when she says she is in the mood for just a quicky.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

My partner is LD and she seldom bothers to make me climax. After she finishes (or gets bored), I'm usually masturbating myself -- sometimes with her help....

At least it helps me to get off my steam. Partners should understand....


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

My partner is LD and she seldom gets me off. So when she's done, I'm usually masturbating ... sometimes with her help.

At least it helps me get off.

Partners should understand...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Of course you have a point... and my empathy because I'm HD myself.

I've bought some toys for my partner to help her climax more often...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

zombie thread from 2012.....


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

It depends on whether she's staging an act for him, or primarily pleasuring herself. Or both....


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