# Before getting in a new relationship...



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

is it a good idea to kindly ask the other person to undergo a check up for STDs?

To be more exact, about my last relationship..
I asked my (now ex) then-boyfriend to have a check up given that he had been in relationships with a few other girls before me.
Me being a virgin, felt a bit disgusted knowing that he had had sex with several girls before meeting me so I wanted to make sure he didn't have any STD before deciding to enter that relationship and have sex with him.
He felt humiliated by this and although our relationship last 1 year, I had no sex because the main reason was the fact that he refused to check himself up for STD. He said he was alright and that he knew what he was doing back then but I had my own doubts. 

I think I should ask the same thing to my next partner(whoever he will be).

Do you think I'm acting wrong? 
Am I right to know if the guy I'm dating is safe enough to have sex with? 
Do you do the same thing while dating someone new?

EDIT: Before you say anything else, I want to say it again: Iit's not that I wanted him to be a virgin and I was never looking for a virgin guy and never will.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Although most men would feel you are being paranoid, some may find it downright rude (??)... I do not believe a GOOD MAN with good character would... someone who values a woman who has not slept around.... and truly loves everything about your personality and cares deeply for you...

I feel it would not be earth shattering to have such a request.... considering he has had partners and you have not.... this is a big deal to you.. he should want to make you feel comfortable...and heck, if that means SEX... why wouldn't he ! 

If he throws you to the dogs for being concerned, he is not right for you. It's that simple. If it is important to you, it IS important to you. We all have things that are. They may not be for others, but oh well... we are not them. We need to be true to ourselves. 

Though I would tread lightly on how you bring such a thing up, maybe even feeling around, asking some light questions --digging a little to get his thoughts without outright asking him , he may offer just enough to know how he really feels about such a request. Then it will be a more appraochable subject to go there with him.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

He had talked to me about his ex-girlfriends, I also knew he had had one night stands ...
So everything was clear to me. 
Hell, if he really cared about me he would have had a check up and not make it even a more big deal.

The fact that he didn't have a check up means it was a big deal to him too.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> He had talked to me about his ex-girlfriends, I also knew he had had one night stands ...
> So everything was clear to me.
> Hell, if he really cared about me he would have had a check up and not make it even a more big deal.
> 
> The fact that he didn't have a check up means it was a big deal to him too.


Not sure about you Lovely girl but any guy who thinks it's cool and all good to engage in ONS's ... I just wouldn't think they'd make good husband / father material. I assume that is what you seek. So don't waste your time on these types. 

Call me judgemental....I'll take it. It speaks that an emotional connection is just not at all necessary . Sex is just "sex" ....nothing more...and your wanting a check up... to a guy like that, he'll just laugh at you. Lose him !


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I totally agree with you SA!
There were a lot of things about him that turned me off and one of them was his idea about ONS. I'm totally against them and so must be someone who is considered a good husband material. 

I was insulted by the fact that he turned down my idea of him having this check up so obviously I had no intention to be submissive to his conditions and let it slide.
This was one of the reasons I dumped him.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’d have no problems with a woman asking me to get checked out. None at all. But if I didn’t need to and she didn’t take my word for it that would be a deal breaker for me.

But I’d never be with a woman who was even slightly disgusted at me for having sex with other women.

Good luck trying to find a guy who is a virgin. I reckon you may have a long search ahead of you. Every guy you come across who is not a virgin you are going to be disgusted with, even if only a “bit”.

That’s absolutely no way to begin what’s hopefully a life time journey with a man. In fact you sound as though you may forever hold it against him that he’d slept with other women! That man’s in for some serious punishment and he wont even have a clue what it’s all about.


Geesh I've never heard of a woman resenting a man before she's even met him before!


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I have no objection to getting a clean bill of health providing the lady I'm planning to date agrees to do the same regardless of what she implies her past practices were.. I already have a document that has been noterized which she is free to see once she provides me with the same sort of proof.
In any event, I NEVER have sex of any sort without using protection and presently try to limit my dates with the same woman to less than five.
Regaining trust in people is taking longer than I suspected it would.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Geesh I've never heard of a woman resenting a man before she's even met him before!


Bob,

Why wait to get started?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I’d have no problems with a woman asking me to get checked out. None at all. But if I didn’t need to and she didn’t take my word for it that would be a deal breaker for me.
> 
> But I’d never be with a woman who was even slightly disgusted at me for having sex with other women.
> 
> ...


You are judging me! I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO DATE A VIRGIN GUY and I've said it here several times. If the guy was virgin, that would be a turn off.
BUT:
It's just that I was disgusted by his stories because he would _always talk about his one night stands, ex-gfs and he wanted to show off the list of the girls that had been with him_. _It's the way that he used to talk about them that turned me off, not the fact that he wasn't a virgin_. 
Try to notice the difference in what I'm saying.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> You are judging me! I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO DATE A VIRGIN GUY and I've said it here several times. If the guy was virgin, that would be a turn off.
> BUT:
> It's just that I was disgusted by his stories because he would _always talk about his one night stands, ex-gfs and he wanted to show off the list of the girls that had been with him_. _It's the way that he used to talk about them that turned me off, not the fact that he wasn't a virgin_.
> Try to notice the difference in what I'm saying.


Awww come on here, what is wrong with a virgin male! You are stomping on my older son now!! ANy chick who gets him is going to be one freaking blessed lady. My only fear is -she won't be good enough!! 

And I also think AFEH is going a bit far to assume what he wrote also about you Lovely girl. 

Judgements.... Judgments ......you know what, you all could be missing out on some damn worthy people who could enhance your life - having these pre-conceived ideas. 

My husband was a virgin. I held that as very very precious, my God that was NOT a turn off to me ! Can't understand why anyone , most especially a virgin woman, wouldn't want that.. heck ..that is a 1st ! Learning together is an awesome awesome beautiful thing.


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I wouldn't have an issue going with her for a double testing.

And when I was 15, I considered virginity a life threating disease that needed to be cured at all costs.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Nooo, you misunderstood me SA!!!
I don't have anything against virgin males. It's their choice, just like it's my choice to be virgin. I wouldn't prefer my partner to be virgin though but even if he was that wouldn't change anything if there was true love between us. So virgin males are not a deal-breaker.
The total opposite of virgin males I would consider those like my EX who *brag about the number of the girls they've slept with*. This shows immaturity for me because I don't care with how many girls you've slept with as long as you CHECK YOURSELF UP and come clean to me. 

btw SA, I hope you received my PM


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> You are judging me! I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO DATE A VIRGIN GUY and I've said it here several times. If the guy was virgin, that would be a turn off.
> BUT:
> It's just that I was disgusted by his stories because he would _always talk about his one night stands, ex-gfs and he wanted to show off the list of the girls that had been with him_. _It's the way that he used to talk about them that turned me off, not the fact that he wasn't a virgin_.
> Try to notice the difference in what I'm saying.


He’s not to be a virgin, he’s to get tested and you’re a bit disgusted if the man’s had sex before. And I’m the one judging you?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> Nooo, you misunderstood me SA!!!
> I don't have anything against virgin males. It's their choice, just like it's my choice to be virgin. I wouldn't prefer my partner to be virgin though but even if he was that wouldn't change anything if there was true love between us. So virgin males are not a deal-breaker.
> The total opposite of virgin males I would consider those like my EX who *brag about the number of the girls they've slept with*. This shows immaturity for me because I don't care with how many girls you've slept with as long as you CHECK YOURSELF UP and come clean to me.
> 
> btw SA, I hope you received my PM


Must be a hormonal thing going on.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Bob,
> 
> Why wait to get started?


Yeh practice makes perfect!


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

AFEH said:


> He’s not to be a virgin, he’s to get tested and you’re a bit disgusted if the man’s had sex before. And I’m the one judging you?


You don't read my posts carefully, do you?
I don't want to repeat myself. 

I was disgusted *by the way* he used to *talk *about the girls he had been with, *not *by that fact that he had been with other girls. 
I would have preferred him to keep his past life as something personal because it was HIS past and that was none of my business.
Given that he started revealing so many unnecessary information, I thought "why not make him undergo a check up for STD then" .


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> You don't read my posts carefully, do you?
> I don't want to repeat myself.
> 
> I was disgusted *by the way* he used to *talk *about the girls he had been with, *not *by that fact that he had been with other girls.
> ...


Well that’s a little clearer.

So you were disgusted by him because of the way he talked about the girls he’d been with. Enough such that you asked him (you do say made but he didn’t. Did he?) to get checked out and because he didn’t you wouldn’t have sex with him for the 12 months you were together.

Have you as yet asked yourself the question why on earth you continued a serious (?) relationship with a man you were disgusted (sickened, revolted, shocked, appalled) with? I could not even begin to imagine staying with someone I was disgusted with for more than the time needed to get away from them!

What was that all about then? What did he have that you could override your disgust of him and stay with him?

I don’t need to know. I just hope that you know because I feel you will have learnt a lot about yourself if you do indeed know and accept the truth of it. If you don’t you sure as heck can make exactly the same mistake again.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Awww come on here, what is wrong with a virgin male! You are stomping on my older son now!! ANy chick who gets him is going to be one freaking blessed lady. My only fear is -she won't be good enough!!
> 
> And I also think AFEH is going a bit far to assume what he wrote also about you Lovely girl.
> 
> ...


Nothing quite like being told off by SA!

My wife and I were very inexperienced and learnt as we went along. I used to joke that it’s lucky we were slow learners, we just took our time. She had a fabulous attitude towards sex.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Nothing quite like being told off by SA!
> 
> My wife and I were very inexperienced and learnt as we went along. I used to joke that it’s lucky we were slow learners, we just took our time. She had a fabulous attitude towards sex.


All my husband knew was reading PlayBoy magazine articles, he had a collection of like 300 of them. I always felt he was a fabulous lover..... I remember thinking & saying to him many times in our early yrs... telling him I was amazed -cause he was always so "in tune" with me.... it was like he "instinctively" knew what to do, just how to touch me....it was heaven. 

So just cause one doesn't have any experience doesn't automatically mean they are going to suck in bed. If you are looking for Porn star sex, sure, there's gonna be some fumbling and awkwardness for sure...but if you are in it for *LOVE*.....I would say it just "flows" naturally.... you get caught up in each other. 

We were pretty damn vanilla for many many years of our marraige (2 positions- that's it), never even thought a darn thing about it ... neither one of us! Looking back I am thinking what was wrong with us! But it is so obvious to me now...the reason.... what we had was so fullfilling in itself, we never craved anything new. That really is a beautiful thing...

But yeah... I would recommend all young couples to experiment & try so very much more, get creative, blow each others minds in the bedroom.... I do feel we missed out accually... but back then, we just didn't think so! 

This is THE BEST website for getting educated about near everything imaginable sexually : Your Guide for Sex Tips | SexInfo101.com


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

For me there are things that went on in our bedroom that simply cannot be duplicated or copied in any porn movies. They just don’t compare and the actors and actresses just aren’t up to it. I kind of feel sorry for those brought up in the “porn world” in that at times their expectations re sex in marriage is what they see in the videos. For me there is no comparison whatsoever in any shape or form.

These are the feelings and emotions and the subtle body language expressions. Within marriage there’s the sensuality and desire, the love and tenderness that’s only ever rarely replicated in porn videos.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My GF and I had protected sex early in our relationship, but about a month in, we both wanted an exclusive relationship, so we went in together to get tested. And again to get the results. I would have no problems going for a test before having unprotected sex, but would require her to be tested as well. It would be a condition for me, actually.

And yes, I know that condoms during intercourse don't protect against everything. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I don’t need to know. I just hope that you know because I feel you will have learnt a lot about yourself if you do indeed know and accept the truth of it. If you don’t you sure as heck can make exactly the same mistake again.


He started talking about his exes and ONS on the 7th months of our relationship and at the same time he was pressuring me to have sex. 
This was the time when I started feeling disgusted by him and _hoping that I would get over it _...we continued for another 3 months but then I realize I couldn't take it anymore and that it was time to leave him. I should have left him right away actually, but I didn't. That was my mistake.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

lovelygirl said:


> He started talking about his exes and ONS on the 7th months of our relationship and at the same time he was pressuring me to have sex.
> This was the time when I started feeling disgusted by him and _hoping that I would get over it _...we continued for another 3 months but then I realize I couldn't take it anymore and that it was time to leave him. I should have left him right away actually, but I didn't. That was my mistake.


Were you in love with him?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Were you in love with him?


I can't say it was love for sure but I cared about him a lot.
Oe thing that I know is that even if it was love, I started falling out of love because of the way he started pressuring me and talking about his past. It made me feel sick. So, I guess he didn't give me the chance to really fall in love with him.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You're right Dean. I'm glad I didn't fall in love with him and wasn't blinded. 
I was lucky!


----------

