# my husband wants to kick my adult son out



## goodtoall

I've been remarried 6 years. I have 4 children in their 20's. He has five children in their 20's. We are living in my home since we married. He has 3 rent houses, one is his prior home that is 1 hour away from here. My 25 year old son has been living with us for 1 year now. He is in school, sometimes taking less than 12 hours. He has lived with friends until last year when everyone split up. He has part time jobs also, but they are inconsistent. The other day, he drank a coke with bottle away from his mouth instead of getting a cup. I know this was wrong. My other child, his child, and I were all outside in different areas. I never heard the yelling. My stepson said he thought his dad was yelling at me & was rushing in to tell himm to lay off. Then he realized it was his stepbrother & didn't worry about it. My husband told hijm to get a glass. My son told him why he drank that way. Then my husband took his glasses off, stood up, & yelled a remark with the F-word & told him to get a glass or get out. My son answered him with F word remark & told him that he was a big baby that slams doors when he does not get his way. (This is the first time my son has ever done this) . My husband stepped into his space & yelled more, my on went to his room. He doesn't bother anyone--although he is a stickler for following rules & taking turns with the other 2-20 year olds still at home, which I sometimes find aggravating--other than that he's a good son. Now my husband says that he knows another altercation will arise & he wants him out!!! I am a nervous wreck!! I return to teaching next week. My husband works a job that means they will be home together while I am at work. I know my son will stay in his room. His children give him problems on a regular basis. They move in/out with lovers, have illegitimate children-one daughter lives off of gov't & is promiscuous with both sexes & also does swinging with her current lover. I have helped these kids get their GED's & never say or yell anythiing at them. ( even though I want to). One son is living in his rent house for free & my husband says he doesn't think he could ever kick him out. His other children think he favors that son for some reason. Right now, I am stuck with tending to 2 very expensive cats ( My husband volunteered & now realizes that he should have talked to me first). I have them for 6 months. His younger son says I am the only responsible person in his family. This step-child is in the military so I try to do it willingly--with little help from him when he is home. They have ruined 2 mattresses & an antigue sofa. Question: I know I'm not going to let him kick my son out--but what do I do to not ruin my marriage? I love my husband & we have a lot inn common. (Believe it or not.)


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## golfergirl

goodtoall said:


> I've been remarried 6 years. I have 4 children in their 20's. He has five children in their 20's. We are living in my home since we married. He has 3 rent houses, one is his prior home that is 1 hour away from here. My 25 year old son has been living with us for 1 year now. He is in school, sometimes taking less than 12 hours. He has lived with friends until last year when everyone split up. He has part time jobs also, but they are inconsistent. The other day, he drank a coke with bottle away from his mouth instead of getting a cup. I know this was wrong. My other child, his child, and I were all outside in different areas. I never heard the yelling. My stepson said he thought his dad was yelling at me & was rushing in to tell himm to lay off. Then he realized it was his stepbrother & didn't worry about it. My husband told hijm to get a glass. My son told him why he drank that way. Then my husband took his glasses off, stood up, & yelled a remark with the F-word & told him to get a glass or get out. My son answered him with F word remark & told him that he was a big baby that slams doors when he does not get his way. (This is the first time my son has ever done this) . My husband stepped into his space & yelled more, my on went to his room. He doesn't bother anyone--although he is a stickler for following rules & taking turns with the other 2-20 year olds still at home, which I sometimes find aggravating--other than that he's a good son. Now my husband says that he knows another altercation will arise & he wants him out!!! I am a nervous wreck!! I return to teaching next week. My husband works a job that means they will be home together while I am at work. I know my son will stay in his room. His children give him problems on a regular basis. They move in/out with lovers, have illegitimate children-one daughter lives off of gov't & is promiscuous with both sexes & also does swinging with her current lover. I have helped these kids get their GED's & never say or yell anythiing at them. ( even though I want to). One son is living in his rent house for free & my husband says he doesn't think he could ever kick him out. His other children think he favors that son for some reason. Right now, I am stuck with tending to 2 very expensive cats ( My husband volunteered & now realizes that he should have talked to me first). I have them for 6 months. His younger son says I am the only responsible person in his family. This step-child is in the military so I try to do it willingly--with little help from him when he is home. They have ruined 2 mattresses & an antigue sofa. Question: I know I'm not going to let him kick my son out--but what do I do to not ruin my marriage? I love my husband & we have a lot inn common. (Believe it or not.)


Going through much the same. Though my dughter is 19 and my H's kids are overseas. Unless the kid is very mature, responsible, ambitious, and contributing financially and chore-wise, it doesn't work for an adult child to live at home. This 'communal' living is a strain on the marriage. Time for ALL boys to get their poop together and get out and stay out. Time for you and stepdad to get firm and kick out the freeloaders.
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## Sicktomystomach

Sounds like your husband is totally stressed out. He may be wondering when,if ever,you two just get a life together without a kid always around. You enable the children when you let them move in and out especially with the outrageous behavior they exhibit.
Your husband should do tough love just for his own sanity. His kids are driving him nuts and he's taking it out on your child,maybe the others. 
I remember feeling a bit resentful of our son. It was ALWAYS something with him. He never lived on his own until he got married. My husband has always favored him and a lot of things were allowed over MY objections. I felt like I was dealing with 2 children,my husband and son. Our daughter has always been very independent but our son was sick with a serious illness for a long time and had to live with us. I resented how they both treated me still do to some degree.
My husband was like yours,making decisions that involved me without asking me. Right now,we have our sons kitten my husband said could stay with us while he and his wife are out of town. He didn't ask me,of course,and far be it from them to put HER parents out. I have 2 cats and 2 dogs of my own that won't accept the kitten so she has to be in her own room. So,my husband brings her out "to play" after I asked him not to and our big cat attacked her. It was terrifying and I got scratched up pretty bad getting her away from him. I was SO mad at my husband and told him he KNEW what he was doing. He did that to upset me and I told him that was the child in him. Sheesh!
I suggest counseling for you and your husband. You are not on the same page here. After my husband told his brothers that his 300 pound,partially paralyzed incontinent Mother who lived in a nursing home could visit for 2 weeks (she had to be flown up),I was outta there. He kept begging me to come back but NO WAY. He just wanted ME to do all the work and I just couldn't do it. It was just too hard on me. My husband tried to plead his case with the counselor who listened then said,"Are you done"? My husband said,"Well,isn't my burden her burden too"? Our counselor said,"No,not when you spring it on her that way then planned on just living your life while she did all the work. You wanted to leave ALL the burden on her". The family was furious I would not let her come up but then,all they had to do was visit her in the nursing home. When they flew her up to us against my wishes,III was the nursing home....NOT!
Counseling might help you both to see that you should not let your children take advantage of you NOR should your husband be making decisions that involve you without asking you. It's infuriating,I know. But you have to find each other,respect each other and be one the same page. We are doing better but it still raises it's head every now and then. My husband just sold my car and got me a little nicer car.....without asking me. I was incensed. I loved my car and it was paid for. His heart was in the right place as he yelled,"SEE IF I DO ANYTHING NICE FOR YOU AGAIN". He said he was just trying to help out a "kid" that he worked with and get me a nicer car at the same time. Well,I couldn't believe his judgement. This "kid" had to be 45 years old. He was a junkie with tracks on his arms. My husband allowed him to pay for a thousand dollar car for 50$ and arranged payments AND signed the title over to him on the spot. I was livid. We never saw him again and our car has never been seen again. He didn't "steal" it. The title is now in his name. But he did steal it in a way for 50$. Again,our counselor berated my husband. He said,"Think about it. You come home and SHE has sold YOUR car to a junkie without asking you. That's the height of disrespect". He was very angry at my husband who just sat there with his head down. My husband has a lot of child in him and the counselor is trying to grow him up.
Our counselor has helped us a lot but we still have a ways to go. Your husband needs to realize you are a team. He doesn't lead the way.


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## golfergirl

Sicktomystomach said:


> Sounds like your husband is totally stressed out. He may be wondering when,if ever,you two just get a life together without a kid always around. You enable the children when you let them move in and out especially with the outrageous behavior they exhibit.
> Your husband should do tough love just for his own sanity. His kids are driving him nuts and he's taking it out on your child,maybe the others.
> I remember feeling a bit resentful of our son. It was ALWAYS something with him. He never lived on his own until he got married. My husband has always favored him and a lot of things were allowed over MY objections. I felt like I was dealing with 2 children,my husband and son. Our daughter has always been very independent but our son was sick with a serious illness for a long time and had to live with us. I resented how they both treated me still do to some degree.
> My husband was like yours,making decisions that involved me without asking me. Right now,we have our sons kitten my husband said could stay with us while he and his wife are out of town. He didn't ask me,of course,and far be it from them to put HER parents out. I have 2 cats and 2 dogs of my own that won't accept the kitten so she has to be in her own room. So,my husband brings her out "to play" after I asked him not to and our big cat attacked her. It was terrifying and I got scratched up pretty bad getting her away from him. I was SO mad at my husband and told him he KNEW what he was doing. He did that to upset me and I told him that was the child in him. Sheesh!
> I suggest counseling for you and your husband. You are not on the same page here. After my husband told his brothers that his 300 pound,partially paralyzed incontinent Mother who lived in a nursing home could visit for 2 weeks (she had to be flown up),I was outta there. He kept begging me to come back but NO WAY. He just wanted ME to do all the work and I just couldn't do it. It was just too hard on me. My husband tried to plead his case with the counselor who listened then said,"Are you done"? My husband said,"Well,isn't my burden her burden too"? Our counselor said,"No,not when you spring it on her that way then planned on just living your life while she did all the work. You wanted to leave ALL the burden on her". The family was furious I would not let her come up but then,all they had to do was visit her in the nursing home. When they flew her up to us against my wishes,III was the nursing home....NOT!
> Counseling might help you both to see that you should not let your children take advantage of you NOR should your husband be making decisions that involve you without asking you. It's infuriating,I know. But you have to find each other,respect each other and be one the same page. We are doing better but it still raises it's head every now and then. My husband just sold my car and got me a little nicer car.....without asking me. I was incensed. I loved my car and it was paid for. His heart was in the right place as he yelled,"SEE IF I DO ANYTHING NICE FOR YOU AGAIN". He said he was just trying to help out a "kid" that he worked with and get me a nicer car at the same time. Well,I couldn't believe his judgement. This "kid" had to be 45 years old. He was a junkie with tracks on his arms. My husband allowed him to pay for a thousand dollar car for 50$ and arranged payments AND signed the title over to him on the spot. I was livid. We never saw him again and our car has never been seen again. He didn't "steal" it. The title is now in his name. But he did steal it in a way for 50$. Again,our counselor berated my husband. He said,"Think about it. You come home and SHE has sold YOUR car to a junkie without asking you. That's the height of disrespect". He was very angry at my husband who just sat there with his head down. My husband has a lot of child in him and the counselor is trying to grow him up.
> Our counselor has helped us a lot but we still have a ways to go. Your husband needs to realize you are a team. He doesn't lead the way.


And it should be done as a family plan with a time limit. For everyone - say 3 month? Not in the heat of the moment 'Get the F out of the house'.
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## goodtoall

golfergirl said:


> And it should be done as a family plan with a time limit. For everyone - say 3 month? Not in the heat of the moment 'Get the F out of the house'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

He's 25. He should move out.


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## CLucas976

I'm not certain I have advice. BUT I can relate. 

Living with mixed family and having all the kids be adults is not easy.

Currently I now live with my mom, her boyfriend, his son and sons girlfriend, and my two brothers. We have 4 vehicles between us. EVERYTHING is stress in one way or another.

One person doesn't do enough around the house, one person didn't flush, one person doesn't let the dogs out, one person does this or that, its tiring.

There is always at least one person too, that cannot stand the things someone or anyone does. Doesn't matter how stupid or little it is, they can't handle it. (or in our case, random war over insignificant pet peevs)

Unless your children are the type that are happy to be living off mom and dad it's not easy for them either.

I feel like I'm constantly the mediator/therapist here. There are the.."tense" feelings between different sides of the household. But i generally live under the idea that we ALL live here, we ALL have to live her for the moment and do my best to remember everyone lives differently, and accommodate that as much as possible. You would never kick one of his kids out, so it should be the same in return yes?

try some counseling between the two of you. living situations like that can eat at everyone involved, and even the tiniest thing at the wrong moment will cause someone to spaz, its necessary for everyone to know how to properly deal and get over that. (and i wont even get into the wars we have )


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## goodtoall

My son is planning on moving out, he wouldn't mind living by himself. He has been out all this time until a year aago time until a year ago. I asked my younest son(still 19, not 20), to stay home for one year, to make sure that he maintains his 2 scholarships since one of his older brothers lost both of his during his sophomore year and worked his but off for 6 years in order to graduate. The next son took forever in school also. Neither one lived at home after their freshman year and they both worked a lot during that time. They are now married and making a successful income for their time put in so far. This 3rd son is very smart and has many creative thoughts and ideas. We both think alike on that realm. I have several sideline jobs that i can do from home if i choose for extra income. (came in handy during my divorce since i raised them since 99 by myself). I also helped my 5th stepson get into technical school and told him he could move back in. He thought he wanted to live with his mom, but they have never been close and I have helped him with his education for 6 years. Since my husband is allowing the 23 year old that lives in his rent house for free with his new lover, i just want to make sure that my husband is not being biased toward my 25 year old. I teach special ed and have always been extremely patient and kind to everyone. Don't want my motherliness to get in way ofmy son and husband. It, just seems that he is only patient and tolerant of his own. He has let them sleep with girlfriends at 16 under his roof and guesswhat? That is the son who lives rent free with current girlfriend. i have seen him let a daughter and her 4 kids move in with him while her common law husband was in jail for a year. The kids run smuck and busted 2 holes in his walls. And the son was rolling pot in his bedroom. I was raised i. Christian home snd passed that on to my sons. My husband is christian, we get along so well, but with how he raised his kids, i want to do the right thing and not be cheated out of my relationships.
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## Halien

Considering the current economy, I don't think you are unfair in your intention to help your son as long as there is a plan going forward to get his independance. 25% true unemployment in people his age would result in lots of cardboard boxes for homes if we took a stance where we kicked them out at 18. I think that you are not the one ruining the relationship, either. Your husband is not some animal creature who cannot control the way he behaves around your children, while enabling his own. I'm talking from experience. I've had my wife's brother and even sister live with us while getting their feet back on the ground. Both annoyed me to no end, but they were her family, and I chose her.

If your husband can't see the unfairness of double standards, then firmness is your only option. I find it hard to believe that he'll choose to be single over fairness. Imagine what it will be like when you are grandparents. My wife's dad blew all of his life insurance money from my wife's mothers passing on the new wife's 30 year old kids, buying cars, home payments, etc. Although he was only six hours away, he rarely ever saw his own grandkids before he died, because the new wife resented his kids. It would be an entirely different story if he told a hard line approach on his own kids, and you would've known this before marrying him.


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## goodtoall

Halien said:


> Considering the current economy, I don't think you are unfair in your intention to help your son as long as there is a plan going forward to get his independance. 25% true unemployment in people his age would result in lots of cardboard boxes for homes if we took a stance where we kicked them out at 18. I think that you are not the one ruining the relationship, either. Your husband is not some animal creature who cannot control the way he behaves around your children, while enabling his own. I'm talking from experience. I've had my wife's brother and even sister live with us while getting their feet back on the ground. Both annoyed me to no end, but they were her family, and I chose her.
> 
> If your husband can't see the unfairness of double standards, then firmness is your only option. I find it hard to believe that he'll choose to be single over fairness. Imagine what it will be like when you are grandparents. My wife's dad blew all of his life insurance money from my wife's mothers passing on the new wife's 30 year old kids, buying cars, home payments, etc. Although he was only six hours away, he rarely ever saw his own grandkids before he died, because the new wife resented his kids. It would be an entirely different story if he told a hard line approach on his own kids, and you would've known this before marrying him.


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## goodtoall

That is why I worry about his actions. Not to toot my own horn, but I have sons with scholarships that finally graduated college. They are on their own, and m fourth son is eager to move out and maintain his scholarships. The third one, i have always said, will come up with a wonderful idea, patent it, and make a lot of money! Lol. He is very motivated when he wants to be (key words). Too my knowledge, they have never done drugs,been in jail, for a night, driven wrecklessly, nor been disrespectful of my house rules. I had topd my other stepson, (the one living for free in his dads renthouse), that he could live here for free and go to school. The rules were no pot, getting drunk, and no women staying over. He couldnt handle that. We have a good relationship. I helped him.get his.GED and set him up with a grant and parttime college for one semester. But he works to support his daughter that.he.created while having sleepovers at his dads at 16. I knew I wanted to remrry a man with strong work ethic like myself, who didn't mind sweating alittle with outside projects. W in most cases, have the same temperment. I also wanted a man with "baggage" , one who would understand issues of children, o.ethat would grow old with me and our large family . In a nutshell, i knew what was on his plate, but he has no patience with mine.??
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## golfergirl

Halien said:


> Considering the current economy, I don't think you are unfair in your intention to help your son as long as there is a plan going forward to get his independance. 25% true unemployment in people his age would result in lots of cardboard boxes for homes if we took a stance where we kicked them out at 18. I think that you are not the one ruining the relationship, either. Your husband is not some animal creature who cannot control the way he behaves around your children, while enabling his own. I'm talking from experience. I've had my wife's brother and even sister live with us while getting their feet back on the ground. Both annoyed me to no end, but they were her family, and I chose her.
> 
> If your husband can't see the unfairness of double standards, then firmness is your only option. I find it hard to believe that he'll choose to be single over fairness. Imagine what it will be like when you are grandparents. My wife's dad blew all of his life insurance money from my wife's mothers passing on the new wife's 30 year old kids, buying cars, home payments, etc. Although he was only six hours away, he rarely ever saw his own grandkids before he died, because the new wife resented his kids. It would be an entirely different story if he told a hard line approach on his own kids, and you would've known this before marrying him.


I guess my problem is he's taking 12 hours of classes and sporatic part-time employment. That's a slacker to me. Unless it's 12 hours a day classes not 12 hours a week. He's 25 man, and doesn't sound like going for law degree or doctorate.
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## Halien

golfergirl said:


> I guess my problem is he's taking 12 hours of classes and sporatic part-time employment. That's a slacker to me. Unless it's 12 hours a day classes not 12 hours a week. He's 25 man, and doesn't sound like going for law degree or doctorate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, I wasn't trying to point out your post because I figured that this was where you were coming from. It just seemed like the husband was taking a stern approach with her kids, but not his own. He knew her heart when he married, so it seems like changing the rules. Because my son suffers from depression, although he is younger, I could also see that there might be things that the OP doesn't want to share on this post also. Admittedly, I'm different than many. I lived on the streets for a while at 12, so this current economic reality for 20+ year old people scares me tremendously, and with my kids, it would be hard to say no.

I would tell him that you are willing to consider a plan for dealing with your son, but you will model it after the approach that he takes with his own kids first. Until then, you expect civility.


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## golfergirl

Halien said:


> Sorry, I wasn't trying to point out your post because I figured that this was where you were coming from. It just seemed like the husband was taking a stern approach with her kids, but not his own. He knew her heart when he married, so it seems like changing the rules. Because my son suffers from depression, although he is younger, I could also see that there might be things that the OP doesn't want to share on this post also. Admittedly, I'm different than many. I lived on the streets for a while at 12, so this current economic reality for 20+ year old people scares me tremendously, and with my kids, it would be hard to say no.


It's good for different opinions for sure! I guess where I'm from, the economy is stable, my child in college will finish next year and works at a 'career' type job while in school. So of course my take would be different. I guess all in all, to be fair, a general rule about respect, timeline and duties pitching in would help things run more smoothly. My H admits his daughter can pull some stunts that are easily forgiven while mine can do much less and it's the end of the world. It's tough when it mine and yours.
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## goodtoall

golfergirl said:


> It's good for different opinions for sure! I guess where I'm from, the economy is stable, my child in college will finish next year and works at a 'career' type job while in school. So of course my take would be different. I guess all in all, to be fair, a general rule about respect, timeline and duties pitching in would help things run more smoothly. My H admits his daughter can pull some stunts that are easily forgiven while mine can do much less and it's the end of the world. It's tough when it mine and yours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodtoall

golfergirl said:


> It's good for different opinions for sure! I guess where I'm from, the economy is stable, my child in college will finish next year and works at a 'career' type job while in school. So of course my take would be different. I guess all in all, to be fair, a general rule about respect, timeline and duties pitching in would help things run more smoothly. My H admits his daughter can pull some stunts that are easily forgiven while mine can do much less and it's the end of the world. It's tough when it mine and yours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodtoall

There has been a few situations over the years, but not explosive like this. I once tried to voice my opinion to one of his children (after he had voiced to mine days before),and he asked me to leave! So....if we lived at his home and talked and cursed at his kids.....would I even be allowed to give. A "get out" ultimatum?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodtoall

CLucas976 said:


> I'm not certain I have advice. BUT I can relate.
> 
> Living with mixed family and having all the kids be adults is not easy.
> 
> Currently I now live with my mom, her boyfriend, his son and sons girlfriend, and my two brothers. We have 4 vehicles between us. EVERYTHING is stress in one way or another.
> 
> One person doesn't do enough around the house, one person didn't flush, one person doesn't let the dogs out, one person does this or that, its tiring.
> 
> There is always at least one person too, that cannot stand the things someone or anyone does. Doesn't matter how stupid or little it is, they can't handle it. (or in our case, random war over insignificant pet peevs)
> 
> Unless your children are the type that are happy to be living off mom and dad it's not easy for them either.
> 
> I feel like I'm constantly the mediator/therapist here. There are the.."tense" feelings between different sides of the household. But i generally live under the idea that we ALL live here, we ALL have to live her for the moment and do my best to remember everyone lives differently, and accommodate that as much as possible. You would never kick one of his kids out, so it should be the same in return yes?
> 
> try some counseling between the two of you. living situations like that can eat at everyone involved, and even the tiniest thing at the wrong moment will cause someone to spaz, its necessary for everyone to know how to properly deal and get over that. (and i wont even get into the wars we have )


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

goodtoall said:


> There has been a few situations over the years, but not explosive like this. I once tried to voice my opinion to one of his children (after he had voiced to mine days before),and he asked me to leave! So....if we lived at his home and talked and cursed at his kids.....would I even be allowed to give. A "get out" ultimatum?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has to be fair. He can't pick on your kids and not let you speak about his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## goodtoall

goodtoall said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks.....you seem to know my frustration.
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## krismi

I agree your son needs some motivation but your husband also sounds like he has a quick temper. Such an uproar over drinking soda from the bottle? I agree with one of the other posters - you both have alot on your plate with all these kids around. They all need to grow up and but also to be treated equally by both of you.


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## therealworld

Here is the thing to all men and woman posting on here about their older children!!!! Tough love is very hard to give to your adult children and it hurts inside to do this to them. But if you really love your spouse and want it to work then you stand by your spouse at all means. If your spouse doesn't fell like you support them, then you two are not in gods eyes as one in flesh. Yes we love our kids but we are not married to them.... please read that several times because there is so much meaning in that phrase.... You and your husband together need to give these adult children some tough love and stop them from ruining your marriage. Its you and your husbands house and not the adult kids!!!! Its time to cut the cord and let the kids live the real world and wish them the best. I think its hard because these kids never had a plan at all after they got out of high school of what t do. So now al they do is live at home and don't follow the rules that have been set. They are visitors in you and your husbands house and if they can't follow the rules its time for them to leave....today!!!! Tough love hurts but don't let your children ruin your marriage if you are truly one with your husband....


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## Blondilocks

Good grief! Another dead thread.


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