# I am a fool and deserve every "I told you" so in the book



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I have been MIA for a long time from TAM. Just a lot of stuff in the real world going on and I felt like I needed to focus on my relationship and stop reading about others infidelity so much. 

My guy and I have been around and around for almost four years. He cheated on me while I was pregnant with our child in 2011. We reconciled, but it has been up and down ever since. I never really forgave him, I never really trusted him again. There has been domestic violence and he has had urges to go outside of our relationship, but he always fought them off. 

We moved away from New Jersey and back to AZ because there were too many triggers. Ever since we moved out here, he has been going to bars for karaoke 3 or 4 times a week. I voiced my fears about him going out so much and I didn't feel comfortable with him being in that environment. He kept saying I have to trust him, I have to forgive him. Well tonight, he came back from the bar again...and I again told him that he is going out too much. Given our past, it just isn't right. 

He then said that maybe we shouldn't be together...I knew right then something was going on. I point blank asked him what was going on and what was making it so easy for him to say that. He told me that he has been talking to a woman he met at the bar for the last two weeks. He likes her, and wants to pursue a relationship but she told him he needed to end it with me first. He says nothing physical has happened, just emotional. I don't believe him. I flushed my engagement ring down the toilet. 

He doesn't want to work on our relationship any more. He is too fogged up. I told him he can't go to the bars any more and he can't see her. He said he can't promise anything. I knew right then, it was over. I started to give him the ultimatum, her or me. I felt so weak even asking it. I took it back and said never mind. I won't ask him to make a choice, he did that already when he started talking to this woman about things he shouldn't have been. 

He told me he loves me, but not in love and is not attracted to me. He defended her, said she is a nice person :banghead::bsflag: and that I had better not even think about finding her and confronting her. That I need to be an adult and mature about it. That he will go after me for harassment if I do confront her. 

This man is a stay at home dad. He has no money, no car, no job. Zero job prospects. He is throwing his family and home away for a woman he has known for two weeks. He admitted the cheating to her, but not the domestic violence. 

So that is it...I stayed even though he hit me but if he cheated again (even emotional), I would be done. 

If he hasn't slept with her yet, he will be by Tuesday night. It kills me...it kills me that this person that has hurt me so much still has the power to keep doing it, and it is only because I continued to give him the power. lisab is once again heartbroken and I only have myself to blame for staying. 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

What a terrible thing. I mean monumentally bad.

To me, the worst part is that he has no job, etc, and is still ready to do this to you. I can imagine what's going on in your head. What is this guy, the old alluring "bad boy" type? He's a bum, is what he is.

He's a drain on you, and always would be. Its hard to turn your life upside down, but the man just has no prospects. He's not a catch, not a provider, not even a supporter. The sad truth is that he's not worthy of a place in your life.

Another thought: start now with a journal of his behavior. Every thing you can think of. He may try to manipulate you with child custody issues. Don't talk to him, just get yourself into court as quick as you can and get some kind of temporary or emergency custody order.

Regarding the domestic violence, get a "protective order" or whatever your state provides. NOT a restraining order. Call your local domestic violence hotline for help. You need an order that removes him from the home, and carries the power of arrest in he tries to return.

Document everything! Don't give him a foothold to mess with you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> If he hasn't slept with her yet,


this is likely going on for a few months.

Get out and get help. Kick him out regardless. this guy just moved on to his next victim.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Also cut off the money.



> He told me he loves me, but not in love and is not attracted to me. He defended her, said she is a nice person and that I had better not even think about finding her and confronting her. That I need to be an adult and mature about it. That he will go after me for harassment if I do confront her.
> 
> This man is a stay at home dad. He has no money, no car, no job. Zero job prospects. He is throwing his family and home away for a woman he has known for two weeks. He admitted the cheating to her, but not the domestic violence.


he is obviously lying out of his ass. She is probably being lied to as well. Don't confront her though. tell her the truth and leave regardless. If she is doing it on purpose she will have her karma by getting with your stbx.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you justify his bnos and you paying for it. Open new accts and cut him off. Move out and take your kids with you if you have to.

How in the hell does anyone tolerate a stay at home man. This is mind boggeling.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Letting a man hit you and staying without calling the police is so weak. You've endangered your kids knowingly.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He told me that if he goes to see her while still living here, it is none of my business and that is he does sleep with her, it shouldn't bother me since we are over. According to him, I have no right to confront her since I broke it off, again, none of my business. 

He thinks breaking up shouldn't be hard on someone. I don't get him. He lacks so much empathy, it is scary.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> How do you justify his bnos and you paying for it. Open new accts and cut him off. Move out and take your kids with you if you have to.
> 
> How in the hell does anyone tolerate a stay at home man. This is mind boggeling.


Being a stay at home dad honestly works for us, because daycare is too god damned expensive. I don't knock him for that. I won't knock any guy that wants to be a stay at home dad. If woman can do it, so can the men. 

The accounts are all in my name. He only has access if I hand him my card. He won't be getting it again, nor the car keys. His cell phone bill is going unpaid as well.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> He told me that if he goes to see her while still living here, it is none of my business and that is he does sleep with her, it shouldn't bother me since we are over. According to him, I have no right to confront her since I broke it off, again, none of my business.
> 
> He thinks breaking up shouldn't be hard on someone. I don't get him. He lacks so much empathy, it is scary.



Ask him why he thinks he can decide on what you can/should do..

Can you kick him out?

check his records to find out who this woman is. 

go meet a lawyer immediately.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> Letting a man hit you and staying without calling the police is so weak. You've endangered your kids knowingly.


Alright, well, I get why you are saying it, but I have just listened to the man I love put me down for 2 hours, please don't call me weak. 

I am not weak, I just thought I could love him through the bad things. Clearly, it is not working. I am not weak.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Ask him why he thinks he can decide on what you can/should do..
> 
> Can you kick him out?
> 
> ...


I check his stuff daily, he has only talked to her in the bars. It hasn't moved to phone, email or facebook yet. He knows I would catch it.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> This man is a stay at home dad. He has no money, no car, no job. Zero job prospects. He is throwing his family and home away for a woman he has known for two weeks. He admitted the cheating to her, but not the domestic violence.
> 
> Once a cheater, always a cheater.


Yup once a cheater always a loser.....
He has no job therefore he is not a long time prospect for anyone, much less a bar girl. Let him have his bar hoe. 
Where is the money coming from for his 3-4 times a week bar tabs? 
Cut that off immediately, and kick him out. He will be homeless without a job or job prospect in 2 months. The bar hoe will not be supporting him, she will find another drunk to bang. Get rid of this guy and get your life squared away. Next year at this time you will realize its the best decision you ever made. As soon as you kick him out and he has no where to return to, he will beg to come back. Do not buckle, he deserves to be on the street.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Lisa

Sorry for your hurt. 

You know what you have to do. Just do it and get it over with. I counsel you to not waste energy/resources engaging this guy. 

See a lawyer asap to protect you, the kids and the finances. Make an exit plan to dump this parasite as fast as you can. 

I'm all for saving marriage whenever possible but from what you've portrayed about your husband I think you need to lose him. 

I think you especially need to harden your resolve to not let him back into your life. Good luck.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

domestic abuse?
Everything else pales in comparison
if this piece of crap hurts you, time to move on...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Welcome back. Wish it was under better circumstances Sorry things didn't work out.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lisab0105 said:


> I check his stuff daily, he has only talked to her in the bars. It hasn't moved to the phone that I know about, the email that I know about, or the facebook that I know about... yet. He knows I would catch it.


Fixed that for you. Either way, kick this bum to the curb and move on w/ your life w/o him.

Also be prepared to tell him to stay the f*ck out of your life once he comes crawling back to you because bar gal has wised up to the fact that he's an abusive, jobless, loser jackass.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I am not weak, I just thought I could love him through the bad things. Clearly, it is not working. I am not weak.


Well, that's a particularly pernicious brand of codependent vanity/conceit.

It kind of translates to "My love is so special it can cure you, and if I cure you, then you will love me forever". Not sure how you learned that, but as an adult, it's time to unlearn it.

You have value for the same exact reason everybody else does. Your value cannot be tied to changing somebody else simply because you don't have the power to change somebody else. You don't, I don't, nobody does. People only change if they really want to change, and most of them don't change much after reaching adulthood.

The only person you can possibly (and it's iffy) change is yourself, and that's all up to you. I can pontificate and point out obvious stuff to no good end because what I am communicating won't change you, and that's not my job.

If, on the other hand, you really want to change and are just looking for affirmation that this whole dynamic is toxic and smells of poor coping strategies and poor boundaries, I can provide that because... it does. If that is your suspiciion, then you're probably on the right track, and getting out, giving up trying to control things you cannot control, and going no-contact so that you can heal is the way to start.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Violence? The violence proves what a low life loser he really, truly is. You need to have him issued with a RO on the grounds you now feel threatened by him. Have him then out by a court order.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DV... Ive never hit my wife and she has said some things in the past...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Lisa, I'm really sorry you are going through this. Get away from him as quick as can be.

Change the PIN On your ATM card, even if he doesn't have one of his own, he can sneak yours away from you. 

You know what you need to do, I remember some of your posts from last year. You are very strong. You can get through this. Don't be afraid to come here to vent/complain/rant.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Lisa, I just helped a woman get out of a long term abusive relationship. She made excuses for him just like you do for your abuser. Even though he didn't hit them, her husband's attitude and behavior affected the children. They are now young adults with huge issues, one had already been arrested for assault on his girlfriend. Your man is toxic. Toxic to you and eventually he'll be toxic to your child. Get him away from you asap. You are in the eye of the storm. Your perspective is skewed. You're right, you are a strong woman. Do what that strong woman you are knows is right to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lisa,

What is your plan to get him out of your home? 

Does he have family near by?

Or can you give him a one way ticket back to Jersey?


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

We have no family here...His is all back in jersey. He won't leave our daughter. I know he will leave eventually because the whole already told him she wouldn't date him while living with me.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

But who knows how serious she is. They are both selfish enough to do it under my nose and not give a shÃt. I'm not sure how I will get him out...just know that it has to be done for my sanity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is his name on her birth certificate? Did he sign it?

I guess your name in on the lease/mortgage of the place you live?

I suppose the easiest way to get him out of there would be to get a protective order against him.

Is he still sleeping in same bed with you?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

You won't get an "I told you so" from me. It's just hurtful and mean.

But I will tell you that you really need to step outside your immediate situation and realize just how far you've let things go. 5 years ago you'd NEVER imagine you'd let yourself be treated the way you are. What happened? Abusers are master manipulators. None of this happened up front. You took a thousand cuts. Each time your self worth was worn down. Over time your "normal" was adjusted to where you would take more and more.

You have GOT to stand for no more. You're getting good advice here. Get the ball rolling and get yourself out of this situation.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Where is your family? 

I'd pack up and move while he is at the bar and not give him an address. 

He is full of it regarding the harassment. Find her if you like.

Just not sure what that would get you.

Do you want him?


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> But who knows how serious she is. They are both selfish enough to do it under my nose and not give a shÃt. I'm not sure how I will get him out...just know that it has to be done for my sanity.


No I told you so, I gave an x more chances than she deserved too. You know what you need to do. Sounds like you have a good job, don't waste your money or time. 4 yrs ago before you married him you knew he was a cheater and bi-polar. He's not changing for you. 

Stay strong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Just to repeat something we already know: Don't let anything slide. The slip 'n slide attitude is an abuser's best friend. 

Its always the same. You let someone get away with something, they'll do it twice as fast next time. He touches you? Jail. No exceptions. Only way he'll learn.

Is it perfect, 100% of the time? No. Nothing is. But letting it slide because you're afraid of making him mad, upsetting the kids, etc is a WAY worse strategy that NEVER works.


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Lisa, I know why you can't leave coz I'm in the same train. Live in the dark for a length of time and you'd start fearing the light. 

How long has it been since someone appreciated you for who you are rather than what you did for them?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I am a fool and deserve every "I told you" so in the book


No. You do not.

Your husband is the fool. What did you deserve? You deserved better than he was capable of giving you.

It's not you, it's him.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry to read this, since I've been following your story since around the time when I ended up here. No, you don't deserve any of this, Lisa, nobody does. 

When you say that you probably deserve to watch the "I told you so dance" on here, I guess it's because you doubted yourself. You tried one more time, even when you had a strong feeling that it could end up being a bad idea.

No, I'll just encourage you to learn from it and move on. What do you think the lesson is? And what do you think the best plan will be for you and your kid? Do you think he can and will change? - how about when you listen to your head instead of your heart? 

Take care - I wish the best for you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you didn't try, you would be wondering. Now, you know. "The heart wants what the heart wants." I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish the very best for you.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I know it's over. He point blank said he isn't sorry for meeting her and he doesn't regret liking her. He is sorry he lied for 2 weeks. 

This man lives to wreck me. He wants me over it so we can be friends. 

Ele...no bed. We just moved so we are living on the floor. This only happened at 3 am this AM...I haven't slept yet...so no shared sleeping.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

See a lawyer immediately to explore the legality of changing the locks and keeping him out after he makes the move toward the other woman. A simultaneous restraining order for domestic violence could really bolster this goal. 

This could be a golden opportunity to get rid of his daily presence. 

The more I get acquainted with your story, the more I think his chasing after the other woman is exactly what you need. Take advantage of it. Don't discourage him from seeing her.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> I know it's over. He point blank said he isn't sorry for meeting her and he doesn't regret liking her. He is sorry he lied for 2 weeks.
> 
> This man lives to wreck me. He wants me over it so we can be friends.
> 
> Ele...no bed. We just moved so we are living on the floor. This only happened at 3 am this AM...I haven't slept yet...so no shared sleeping.


Cut off the money cuts off the head. Strike fast and swift and decisive. Then don't look back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What are your thoughts about your future? I know you are still in shock but I hope it won't last long. It will be easier if you cut yourself a break and not beat yourself up. Honestly, if you knew he would do this you never would have moved with him. Whether you should have is irrelevant.

So, where are you going from here? What's your economic situation? Is AZ a fault state? If it is let him sleep with her if it gets you out of the marriage sooner,

You gotta get him to sign away spousal. If he doesn't want you to fight him he had to give up something so he can go screw stupid woman for two weeks before she realizes he is a liar and dumps him. He will come crawling back because he needs you to live. So you have to act fast.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

We have been together almost 4 years, but we are not married. We have a life together but no marriage.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Lisa, I am so sorry for the pain your in. I, myself kept trying to make a very toxic relationship work. I started to realize that every time I trusted him I was smacked on the head by a 2x4. Eventually I started to think that in some way, karma was trying to redirect my life. I am one year out of separating, we were divorced but forced to live together for 18 months until the house sold. I have met a wonderful man who actually has a heart. I look back and thank god he did everything he did, because if he had not drove me away, I would probably still be there hurting and trying to fix the marriage. Instead I'm happy, for the first time in years. My 14 year old daughter told me the other month that I "laugh loud". It made me realize it took 14 years for her to hear the sound of my laughter. Take this gift he gave you, it's an out, a way to leave with as few years wasted on him as possible. I promise you that one day, you won't regret it!

Take care!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That's the best thing I have heard in a long time!!!!!


You are free.

Embrace it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> That's the best thing I have heard in a long time!!!!!
> 
> 
> You are free.
> ...


You will not feel free for a while. But then, one day, you'll wake up and you'll know that you are free.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

First off, I doubt anyone on her would give you an I told you so. Perhaps you didn't fully take into account the odds of him changing but your heart overruled your head. You cannot heal until you cut out the disease. You are holding all the cards except for one. The power he has over your heart. Once you conquer that, he is toast. No job, no money, no car and apparently no brains and abusive to boot. You can do better.

As hard as it is just do it. Get the PO/RO and get this guy out of your face. There are guys out there who will appreciate you for who you are and you deserve that. You may need to relocate close to family for some support for you and your daughter but once you get back on top you'll be so much better off.

Be strong and determined and you will have the better life you desire for you and your daughter. Good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I dunno. Having to wait a year for a divorce versus not needing a divorce at all is a huge difference.

If she were a guy would you say the same thing?

Of course the emotional toll is different. But being able to walk away without having to pay his sorry ass? Golden!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I dunno. Having to wait a year for a divorce versus not needing a divorce at all is a huge difference.
> 
> If she were a guy would you say the same thing?
> 
> Of course the emotional toll is different. But being able to walk away without having to pay his sorry ass? Golden!


I don't get what this is in reply to...?

However, I'm one that misses the conventional aspects of marriage. Were they married in this situation, Lisa would likely still get custody, and not pay this man a penny. In 6 months, he'd be expected to be employed, and ready to provide child support.

He's more likely to get off the hook and allowed to slither away without that marriage on the books. The courts have always been more inclined to hold husbands to task than non husbands.

In the end, do you not think husbands make better fathers? Its sad that a father has become an extraneous position in our societies.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

lisab0105 said:


> We have been together almost 4 years, but we are not married. We have a life together but no marriage.


does not sound like much of a life to me. 

I am sorry this is all droping on you suddenly, but it sounds like he checked out a while ago, and he was going to bars to find the exit affair partner. 

It is probably good you are not married, no delays needed. just tell him to get his stuff out, now. 

This is the worst, the nadir. Things WILL GET BETTER. get this toxic guy out of your life, and start on the bath to better things.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

Start looking for a job back home. When you can leave, do so when he will be gone the longest, and file for full custody in your home state as soon as you land. Don't worry about getting him out of the house. 

Domestic violence + his attitude= I am very worried for your safety right now. Please be safe, and keep one hand on the phone at all times.


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

Sorry for being in this sad and difficult situation and to have no family near by to lean on !?!? 

Domestic abuse alone is enough reason to not have this man in your life. No woman nor man should tolerate any kind of abuse of this sort. Of course it's easier said than done but you really need to rid of this negative aspect of your life and move on. 

Bigger and better things in life awaits you and your child but as long as he's in your life he'll drag you down , make you miserable and not even blink an eye.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

So sorry you're going through this. I don't know what you plan to do, but I hope you kick him out and turn away from him toward something better -- even if better is just you and your child healing and on your own. He is not treating you well. You deserve better. And, if he's protecting and defending his mistress without any provocation from you, then I think you should be concerned for your safety because there has been physical violence in the past and it could escalate.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

No more


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I found her...snaggle tooth butterface. Ego wants what it wants I guess. He told me tonight if I told her about the DV...THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. He said it's his business only, not mine. That's funny, when blood was pouring out of my nose it sure felt like my business. @$$hole


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I found her...snaggle tooth butterface. Ego wants what it wants I guess. He told me tonight if I told her about the DV...THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. He said it's his business only, not mine. That's funny, when blood was pouring out of my nose it sure felt like my business. @$$hole


Sounds to me like he just threatened to physically hurt you.

I can see an opportunity to have him removed from your home. He's threatened you. In the past he's been violent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And Lisa,

What do you hope to accomplish by confronting her? She's not your problem. He's your problem. If he were a good man he would not be out drinking and picking up on women. With he way he is, any woman at the bar who talked to him would do.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh Ele, he wasn't threatening violence. He was threatening me with harassment. He said they both would call the cops on me for harassment if I told her what he has done.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He sounds like a coward. I doubt he will call the cops about anything. The LAST thing he wants is the law up in his business. Protect yourself and your daughter by any legal means necessary please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lisab0105 said:


> I found her...snaggle tooth butter face. Ego wants what it wants I guess.


:lol: :rofl:



lisab0105 said:


> He told me tonight if I told her about the DV...THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. He said it's his business only, not mine. That's funny, when blood was pouring out of my nose it sure felt like my business. @$$hole


Send her a FB message, e-mail, or text... just as you're boarding a plane back home.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lisab0105 said:


> Oh Ele, he wasn't threatening violence. He was threatening me with harassment. He said they both would call the cops on me for harassment if I told her what he has done.


Unless you've already been hit w/ an OoP/RO, there's probably no basis for any sort of legal recourse against you... from either of them.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lisab,



It is not a problem of being weak. You have endured a lot in this relationship, and if anything, the strength you have applied to achieve that endurance has worked against you.



You have probably heard the phrase "Work smarter, not harder.", which I am guessing makes sense to you when it comes to "work" and getting things done. I think similar applies to loving relationships: love/relate smarter not harder. Just because you have more to give, and he'd be happy to tempt you to give it, doesn't mean you should. Your child needs YOU, and not him destroying you and taking your life's energy.



I fear he is on your lease again. If so, call a lawyer and call your landlord Monday morning to see if he can be removed -- maybe your lease being new gives you an opportunity here.



If I were the praying kind, my prayer would not be for you to find the strength to leave. It would be for you to learn how worthy of love and respectful caring companionship you are so that removing him from your heart and home effortlessly becomes the most obvious, important, urgent, and desirable thing for you to do. Because I know you can do it. You are strong enough. You just need conviction that it is the right thing to do and that you and your child are worthy of it.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Oh Ele, he wasn't threatening violence. He was threatening me with harassment. He said they both would call the cops on me for harassment if I told her what he has done.




His threat is absurd.



Regardless, I hope you will save your time and energy to put towards getting him the hell out of your house, and creating physical protection for you and your child.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> I found her...snaggle tooth butterface. Ego wants what it wants I guess. He told me tonight if I told her about the DV...THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES. He said it's his business only, not mine. That's funny, when blood was pouring out of my nose it sure felt like my business. @$$hole


The woman is inconsequential. She knows about you from your husband. Guess what he told her about you ?

And he drew blood and you are still with him ? And you want to fight her and win him back ??


Always keep a voice recorder with you. Hopefully where you stay is a one part consent state


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

The lady already knows about you and told your boyfriend that she wouldn't mess with him while he was with you. Honestly, you and her have nothing to talk about. He is the one lying to her saying how he is not in love with of you, not attracted, and just with you because of the kid, etc. Regardless of what he said, she still told him she wouldn't mess with him while he is with you.

Your problem is 100% with him. 

By the way, your baby's father is a bum. He beat you, he cheated on you pregnant, he is cheating again, and he wants to keep you as his "friend" so he has a place to stay. He'd love to be a stay at home dad and babysit for you while you work, and go out at night and date another woman. Woman up and get out. Pack up and take your baby back home. He can stay there is he wants, but in a few months he will be back in Jersey begging for you back promising to be the boyfriend (probably ask you to marry him to really win you back) and dad to your child he should have always been.

Bum, bum, bum. Get out now and don't post here 3 years from now saying, "You guys were right again!"


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

She is still hitting on him...telling him to leave us so they can be together. You don't do that. She is still a piece of sh*t. My problem is with both. 

And I am not fighting to win him back. I don't want him back but exposure is a consequence of cheating, for both of them. I love him and he hurt me with her encouragement. I hope they cheat on eachother. Turns out she is bipolar too...maybe they will mentally f*ck eachother up.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

If he is saying how bad his relationship with you is, what else would can she say? "Stay with her and work it out?"

Your boyfriend is in control of himself and every thing she is being told, is from your boyfriends perspective. Whether it be you guys aren't really together and he just lives with you. Or whether it be he is totally unhappy and stays there because he has no choice. 

She isn't innocent at all, but she is the only reason he hasn't been sexual or gone any further. That's a lot better than 99% of these OW's. 

You need to focus on him, and stop worrying about her. If it wasn't her, it would be some other girl. HE is a habitual cheater and the girl is irrelevant, because no matter where you move, he is going to cheat. He is a bum.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> She is still hitting on him...telling him to leave us so they can be together. You don't do that. She is still a piece of sh*t. My problem is with both.
> 
> And I am not fighting to win him back. I don't want him back but exposure is a consequence of cheating, for both of them. I love him and he hurt me with her encouragement. I hope they cheat on eachother. Turns out she is bipolar too...maybe they will mentally f*ck eachother up.


Why do you give a crap about exposing him? You knew he was a piece of sh!t before your TAM absence. You knew he couldn't be trusted and you knew he was a low life and you knew he took advantage of you and you knew he was a freeloader. 

All the mental energy you're putting into "processing" the latest developments is entirely WASTED!

Just Kick Him Out Of Your Life

And

Move On With Your Life!


Enter the excuses and reasons why this can't be done right now....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You have to say the OW is inconsequential using a Dr. Evil accent. Remember to do that. 

What's the plan Lisa? What are your options?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Why do you give a crap about exposing him? You knew he was a piece of sh!t before your TAM absence. You knew he couldn't be trusted and you knew he was a low life and you knew he took advantage of you and you knew he was a freeloader.
> 
> All the mental energy you're putting into "processing" the latest developments is entirely WASTED!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Don't be that woman. You're not married, just disappear. Leave no forwarding address, don't look in the review mirror and just move on. Turn him into somebody you used to know.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Don't try to contact her. Make him think you are giving in to his "demands" that you won't let her know about the DV. But in reality, in the short run, this could be part of YOUR plan to unload him on her - get him out of your place faster! If she'll take him off your hands, that would be fantastic. 

You could pour it on thick: act a little sad that you've accepted it's over between you (not just mad) so he won't figure out what you're doing (in other words, don't let on that you're glad he's on his way out the door). 

See this as an opportunity. You're starting to wake up to the fact that he's no good. Seize this opportunity. Let his fog lead him right to her place. Someone with no job isn't going to have many options. If she'll take him, let her have him. She may be nutty enough to let him move in. Once he moves out and "abandons" his child, that may also change the legal situation - you need to see a lawyer.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Why do you give a crap about exposing him? You knew he was a piece of sh!t before your TAM absence. You knew he couldn't be trusted and you knew he was a low life and you knew he took advantage of you and you knew he was a freeloader.
> 
> All the mental energy you're putting into "processing" the latest developments is entirely WASTED!
> 
> ...


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

He clearly has no love or respect for you , you need to kick him out or if not possible you need to leave yourself .Go to your family , spend some time with them getting support .


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> This man is a stay at home dad. He has no money, no car, no job*= NO BRAINER*.


In fact, when you add his domestic abuse and cheating, you'd be hard pressed to find someone worse. You will be fine. More than fine.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Run----and don't look back. You deserve better!


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> She is still hitting on him...telling him to leave us so they can be together. You don't do that. She is still a piece of sh*t. My problem is with both.


You want revenge on her......let her have him, that will teach the biach. Then she will have his lying, cheating, beating, no job boyfriend. Sounds like sweet revenge to me, then you can laugh yourself silly, when she wakes up and finds what she really has, which is trouble. Your revenge to him is to go live a life of happiness with a partner that loves you. Once he is out, I would inform his family, so they know the real deal. Don't expect them to side with you, but you will know they were given the true. 

Instead concentrate you efforts on you and your child, that is enough work for now. Also don't be so hard on yourself, I don't think anyone can fault you for giving him a chance, he was just too stupid to take advantage of the gift. Next tell yourself every day, "No one get's to abuse me ever again". When a man hits a woman, it is a punk move, he is not worthy of your time.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I say, don't tell him what you are doing. It will drive him nuts. Don't give him the satisfaction of showing your emotions to him. Take time to cry or whatever, talk, etc. 

I wonder if you feel this way because you believed him? Because he is the father of your child. Because, if you believe he is not right for you, it's tough to accept you made such a bad mistake? 

Abusers can be charming. Then can make you feel wanted and needed. It's part of the hook. Eventually, if you are not there for him to take his anger and frustrations out on, he will have to take them out on her. He has to release it, and he doesn't know how to properly release his anger. 

It isn't you Lisa. 

I do know you need to get that anger out. Some say to exercise hard. Some say to work hard and tire yourself out. I don't think those are bad ideas. 

Here is something that goes along with what Anon and another posted. It was written by a man for a man, but it works just as well for women, in my opinion. Just switch the pronouns, etc. 

Well, I thought there was another one. Maybe it is here somewhere. I can't find it right now. 

This can be tough to read, depending on your emotions and intestinal fortitude. 


HUGE EDIT: Woops. That's a big I'm sorry. I made a huge mistake. I forgot what that was actually about. I do not think you should take him back. I am soo sorry Lisa. Sometimes I am an idiot. Please forgive me.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Lisa, please please please for the sake of yourself and your child get this guy out of your life and permanently away from you. Use any and all means at your disposal. You and your child deserve much better than this.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Lisa let fate take its course. Cupids arrow struck the love birds, nothing you can do about it. He is a women beater, work-less bi-polar bum and she is a snaggled toothed, bi-polar bar fly. Step aside and let nature take over.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Here's what I really think you need to do. LEAVE. Get away from him. Don't fool yourself any more. Go to your nearest courthouse and talk to the domestic violence section. They will help you GET OUT. NONE of it is your fault. You did not do anything that made him treat you that way. Please, get out. Inform yourself and protect yourself and your child. 

Please, get the help you need. Don't let him ruin another minute of your life. 


WomensLaw.org | Home


Separation and Divorce When There is Domestic Violence - MassLegalHelp


Child Custody and Domestic Violence | DivorceNet.com


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you ever documented the physical abuse?
Is he on the birth certificate?
Why are you paying for him to go out and sing at a bar?
Is his name on the apartment lease?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Anon Pink said:
> 
> 
> > Why do you give a crap about exposing him? You knew he was a piece of sh!t before your TAM absence. You knew he couldn't be trusted and you knew he was a low life and you knew he took advantage of you and you knew he was a freeloader.
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Here's what I really think you need to do. LEAVE. Get away from him. Don't fool yourself any more. Go to your nearest courthouse and talk to the domestic violence section. They will help you GET OUT. NONE of it is your fault. You did not do anything that made him treat you that way. Please, get out. Inform yourself and protect yourself and your child.
> 
> Please, get the help you need. Don't let him ruin another minute of your life.
> 
> ...


Filing a domestic violence report at this time is basically worthless since too much time has already passed....unless there is evidence like pictures or video. It becomes her word against his, unless he's stupid enough to admit it. Without an admission or evidence, the report wouldn't make it to the prosecutors office, and no judge would ever sign that warrant.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Honey cut him off, financially emotionally whatever. If he wants to pursue an affair at least you wont be paying for it.

Seek legal advice and do a 180 on him. The best thing you could do is go nuclear on this fool.

You now owe him nothing. cut him off compeltely and move out with your child.

He will get a quick wake up call when he is homeless, has now where to go no car, no money etc.

You deserve better


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Filing a domestic violence report at this time is basically worthless since too much time has already passed....unless there is evidence like pictures or video. It becomes her word against his, unless he's stupid enough to admit it. Without an admission or evidence, the report wouldn't make it to the prosecutors office, and no judge would ever sign that warrant.


There are attorneys who can make that happen, if they can safely upset him enough. It's happened many times before during a separation. The two don't need to be married. It's the emotional trauma that initiates the confession. 

Some things would have to be done to set that up and I know of three attroneys in my area who have coincidentally been a part of a confession. It happens. 

The domestic violence section at the courthouse will know how to pursue these things lawfully and which attorneys are most skilled in evidence gathering and all the necessary tasks while the victim is kept safe.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

There were pics once, but he found them and deleted them from my flash drive. I have no other evidence of the DV. He is leaving tonight. He can't be here and date her. He agreed to leave. Where he's going us beyond me and I can barely breathe...but he's going and won't be coming back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the best revenge on OW is that she gets to have him


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> the best revenge on OW is that she gets to have him


Who knows what's real and what's imagined. The other woman may not have a clue about the truth. She is more than likely a train wreck on her way to another derailment.
He could have told her anything.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

She has 2 divorces and 3 children. She chested on her last husband.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Stupid phone auto correct. That should say she cheated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well chested on her husband is pretty awful too


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lisab0105 said:


> She has 2 divorces and 3 children. She chested on her last husband.


Do you have an appointment with an attorney? You will want to protect your child from that environment.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> She has 2 divorces and 3 children. She chested on her last husband.


What a perfect match.. Only, he will be involved because of the kids


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's likely moving in with her. And he'll be back when that ends. 

When you left TAM, I felt it was because you didn't want to continue to hear us tell you to get out because you weren't ready. Now you are. It's time to rebuild your life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Where he's going us beyond me and I can barely breathe...but he's going and won't be coming back.


What you NEED to realize is that he left mentally a LONG time ago and he was NEVER coming back to you. All he's doing now is taking his body with him. You need to accept this fact because only then can you begin to heal. Soon enough you won't be able to breathe from all the happiness you will now have with him gone.



lisab0105 said:


> She has 2 divorces and 3 children. She cheated on her last husband.


Perfect, you can watch from the sidelines as they cheat on each other and trade STDs. Stop being the fool. Let his POS a$$ go. You DESERVE better.

He'll come crawling back eventually. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP. Run for the hills and never look back.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I am a fool and deserve every "I told you" so in the book*



Almostrecovered said:


> well chested on her husband is pretty awful too


Classic


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I am a fool and deserve every "I told you" so in the book*



lisab0105 said:


> Stupid phone auto correct. That should say she cheated.


You know how this is going to end for them right? Two cheaters trying to hold a relationship together.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

bfree said:


> You know how this is going to end for them right? Two cheaters trying to hold a relationship together.


2 _bipolar_ cheaters trying to hold a relationship together. I am seeing a few mug shots in their future.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> There were pics once, but he found them and deleted them from my flash drive. I have no other evidence of the DV. He is leaving tonight. He can't be here and date her. He agreed to leave. Where he's going us beyond me and I can barely breathe...but he's going and won't be coming back.


Do you still have the flash drive? If so, have you continued to use it since deleting the pics?

Typically, "deleting" doesn't erase the file contents from the disk. It merely removes it from the "index". In such cases, it is quite easy to recover the file contents.

If you have continued to use the flash drive, the file contents may still be present, or they might not. It just depends. Easy enough to find out. I would be happy to help you try if you are interested.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> Do you still have the flash drive? If so, have you continued to use it since deleting the pics?
> 
> Typically, "deleting" doesn't erase the file contents from the disk. It merely removes it from the "index". In such cases, it is quite easy to recover the file contents.
> 
> If you have continued to use the flash drive, the file contents may still be present, or they might not. It just depends. Easy enough to find out. I would be happy to help you try if you are interested.


correct
computer memory does not get truly erased until it is overwritten


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

OMG Lisa. I am so sorry about what you are facing...

You are not a fool, you a person who loves her partner way too much for him to deserve even a small piece of it. 

Hugs to you. I know you are a strong woman, who in the end will make the best choice for you.
Stay strong.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> correct
> computer memory does not get truly erased until it is overwritten


Even then, forensically data on disk can still be recovered...
There are ways to make recovery more difficult, but that's another topic.

Recovering info in bad remapped disk sectors data is also possible. I've done so with a bad disk before physically destroying it.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Free USB Flash Drive Recovery Software: Recover deleted or formatted files from USB flash disk drive.



LIsa
You deserve better than this guy. Let him leave, change the locks and block his phone. 
Him getting together with this woman will be a train wreck...and you get to watch.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> Him getting together with this woman will be a train wreck...and you get to watch.


Hopefully not. Hopefully, she goes no-contact, heals, and then is too busy living and loving life without a tormentor to be bothered trying to look.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

TimeHeals said:


> Hopefully not. Hopefully, she goes no-contact, heals, and then is too busy living and loving life without a tormentor to be bothered trying to look.


I didnt say I wanted her to be *part* of the trainwreck...there is a certain morbid satisfaction in watching the person who screwed up your life crash and burn.

Living well and upgrading your life is also a tasty type of vindication.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> I didnt say I wanted her to be *part* of the trainwreck...there is a certain morbid satisfaction in watching the person who screwed up your life crash and burn.
> 
> Living well and upgrading your life is also a tasty type of vindication.


She cannot have both. She cannot both be rid of him and watch him crash and burn.
And yes, it is better to upgrade to a better life without hateful people in it.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

That's awful.

Where in AZ? I live in Tucson and can help you with protection and safety legally. I would be happy to help if you need anything.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Once he's gone you'll be surprised how quick you realize he was dragging you down the drain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> There were pics once, but he found them and deleted them from my flash drive. I have no other evidence of the DV. He is leaving tonight. He can't be here and date her. He agreed to leave. Where he's going us beyond me and I can barely breathe...but he's going and won't be coming back.


Good.. change the locks.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Is he on the birth certificate?
> Is his name on the apartment lease?


It is more difficult to give proper help when we don't know some important facts.
Would you help us help you by giving us a more clear picture of what your situation is by answering the above questions?


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

He told you he wants to be with another woman and that he is not in love with you or attracted to you. He has taken you for a ride and he found a new fool to take for a ride. Let's hope the new woman figures him out before she has a baby with him. Get custody of your child and kick this loser to the curb.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

No "I told you so"---just support. Keep posting. Take care of yourself.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Hey lisa, sorry your back here..

No one can blame anyone for trying to do what they think is right..


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He will be back, I can almost guarantee it. You are his gravy train that can be easily controlled.....think long and hard about taking him back because if you do you know exactly what you're getting. You will get exactly what you've always gotten until the next wh0re comes along.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Lisa, I remember you story. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending you strength.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Here's hoping you are getting things accomplished to move away and secure child support, even if he can't pay it now. It needs to be on paper. Also, hope you are talking with some dv folks to help you out.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

How are you doing Lisa?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Lisa,

DV... BTDT. I never got over it, personally. 

Intuitively, you know you are doing the right thing for you (and your daughter iirc?). It doesn't make it hurt less. It doesn't make each day feel easier to get through right now... but I promise - from experience, that it gets better. 

You are a smart, beautiful, young woman that is making decisions right now that will help facilitate not only your future, but your daughter's as well. Show her that "this" is not something that strong women like yourselves put up with... because they know they deserve better. Better is on the horizon just beyond this hill. It will be hard, and lonely... but worth it. Once he is gone, you will reclaim your life, self respect, and self worth... and that will help lead you to a life fulfilled.

I'm happy to be an ear, virtual shoulder, or anything else that might help you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Once a cheater, always a cheater.


I hate to welcome you to this club. Don't want anyone having to deal with that.

You, like a lot of us, learned that the hard way. 

Even if no longer a cheater in practice, always one in spirit, IMO.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

What sort of people are these guys who cheat when your wife gets pregnant

I'm highly sexed but F.G.S. all I wanted to do was look after my wife as much as possible when she was in labour

It makes me want to slap these morons who do this from one side of a room to the other

Sorry for rant but I find cheating in this situation is like peeing on your partner why she's in agony


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## darkdays (Jul 31, 2013)

if that is you in the pic your a very pretty girl. This guy has no job, car or prospect of getting one, has cheated on you and said flat out he is not in love with you. What is the attraction??? whether it is today, tomorrow or 20 years from now this guy will not be in your corner. he wants a mommy to keep the house clean, raise the kid while he goes out and had his love fantasy's with different girls. There is no solid foundation for a mutual loving relationship. I would move on in life and find someone that cares.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I wouldn't call this thread dead yet, but it's on life support.


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