# Devastating Situation - What would you do?



## sondar (Apr 3, 2012)

I have been married for a couple of years now. We had been trying for a baby ever since we got married. After 15 months of trying, my wife finally announced she was pregnant. We were over the moon. We both were really excited about the arrival, telling everyone our good news along with scan photos. Life was great.

Anyway, when she was 8 months pregnant, my wife told me that she had had a one night stand "ages ago". She had been very drunk, and on various medication at the time. When I pressed her to tell me when it was, it turned out to be 8 months previously. She told me that it had been unprotected sex, although she had used the morning after pill. She was sure the baby was mine because we had had sex a couple of times at the right time. Anyway, I asked for a prenatal paternity test and found out (9 days before the baby was born) that it wasn't mine. That was the single worst moment of my life.

I love my wife dearly, and she loves me too and is devastated at what she has done. She has also offered to give the baby up for adoption, as she would rather live without the baby than live without me.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

But,, bye bye birdy! Dont kid yourself. Your wife loves you too and is devestated at what she has done,,,, but its okay and dandy if you flip the bill for her one night stander offspring..
Guess what? Lifes full of single worst moments.
To allow you to spend any amount of time thinking that bun in the oven was yours was a lie to your face.
Man.. this doesnt sound like a person you want to invest something as valuable as the rest of your life with. Someone to raise a real family with... This is huge, and you need to take note. Let your sense of self defense kick in and outshine the emotion..
Sorry, Im just left with a "aw Hell Naw" at this story...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont know if I intended to say "dont "kid" yourself"


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Here is my two cents and what *I* would do in a similar situation. This is only personal opinion.

First, I'd assess what I really wanted. You've been with her for a few years, is she worth going through a whole bunch of crap for? Because that's what you're reconciliation will be.

Second, I'd assess what her reaction to the cheating was. Why did she not bring it up earlier? Why did she lie? Is she truly remorseful (not just saying sorry but her behavior showing it)? Has she changed her behavior to ensure it wouldn't happen again? What was the driving factor in her cheating?

Last, the fact that you don't have kids would most likely drastically alter the decision. If you have kids already you have a family on the line. There's a lot at stake there. Not saying that should be THE reason to reconcile but it certainly makes it worth it. In your case, you're basically solidifying a bond with someone who is not yours, with nothing but a cheater keeping you there.

As you describe it, she kind of flippantly said "oh I cheated, no biggie" and then that was it. I'm not sure if that actually happened, but as is, definitely does not show true remorse. In fact, not telling you about it and trickle truthing you is pretty bad, especially with a kid on the line. You're going to be financially responsible for the next 18 years for this kid (most likely, unless you live in a state that doesn't recognize it, which most do not), that's a tough pill to swallow.

So unless you provide more details about her reaction and what not, I would personally leave. I'd consider it good luck that you found out before you ended up with kids with her, and you can walk away from this with no obligation to financially support this kid. Me thinks she's using you to be her pay check and baby daddy. I think she knew the whole time there was a possibility, she didn't mention it because she wanted to keep you locked up.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

COguy said:


> Here is my two cents and what *I* would do in a similar situation. This is only personal opinion.
> 
> First, I'd assess what I really wanted. You've been with her for a few years, is she worth going through a whole bunch of crap for? Because that's what you're reconciliation will be.
> 
> ...


OUCH and sorry but I think coguy is right on here. Easier now than when you get attached to that baby.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think you have the truth here. IF she had a ONS and took the morning after pill, then it couldn't be his.


Doesn't add up.

I bet you'll find it was more than a ONS, and the truth is more likely he dumped her when she told him she was pregnant.

You are her fall back. The ONS story and the morning after pill are her way of trying to cover up that she willingly cheated AND she wants you to now raise for next 18 years another mans kid.

Oh, and she did this while you were trying to have a kid! So she knew very much what would happen.

Also, If she was that medicated etc - then it would have been RAPE. But she's not treating it that way is she?

Dump and run. Get a lawyer NOW and take steps to ensure you are not listed as the father and responsible for paying for this other man's child.

Do not stay out of a sense of responsibility to her or guilt. She choose to sleep with and to conceive another man's kid and try to get you to raise it. That's down right evil.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Having ended a sexless marriage last year, if I was in your shoes I would divorce her. But if you want to play the martyr and raise another man's child, then be my guest.


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## mychoice (Mar 31, 2012)

Married two years and she cheated on you? Actually she cheated on you at the 16 month mark. Let's see, that means after you've been married for fifty years she'll have cheated how many times? Hell, I'm not even going to figure it out, you do the math (50 x 12/16=37.5 times of screwing other guys).

I'm sure you're certain it's only been once...right? By the way, if she remembers what happened she must have been totally out of it and without decision making power...correct?

You know, your chances of being attacked by a polar bear AND a grizzly bear, on the same day, are better odds than winning the lottery? One spirt and she's pregnant? Odds are good, the goods are odd.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

When was the baby born? Are you on the baby's birth certificate? There could be 18-year-long financial obligations for you regardless of whether you kick them out or not.

If it were I, I'd kick them out... but infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. Only you know if it's a dealbreaker for you. I wish you the best. You've been forced into an awful situation through no fault of your own.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sondar said:


> She has also offered to give the baby up for adoption, as she would rather live without the baby than live without me.


She did this out of fear of losing you but if she's like most women who love children, this fear will turn into bitterness and resentment towards you for 'forcing' her to make that choice. It will be thrown in your face as time goes by, despite the fact that it was HER decision for a situation SHE created. For this reason, I vote that you file for divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get to a lawyer and make sure you are not stuck paying for this kid. Then file for divorce while you're at it.

Your wife knew damn well what she was doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Marriage is hard enough as it is.

Your wife waited 8 months for a reason. There is no way to divorce before the baby is born. Make sure you have a good lawyer. Take out a loan if you have to. In the long run it will be cheaper. If you let this go, you will have resentment... It will happen again. She put herself in a position that a ONS was possible. IMO, once a cheater, always a cheater. Stick around here for a while and you will read about so many stories, it will make your head spin. 

You must reall love your wife to even consider keeping her. It's a shame that she doesn't feel the same way.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is something to think about. Most cheaters will not tell you the full truth. It is quite possible that it was more than a one night stand. It is clear that she has no problem lying to you and withholding information from you as well. Find out who the OM is and talk to him and expose him to his wife.

It is interesting that your wife seems to take no responsibility in lying to you and having unprotected sex which put you and her at risk for STD's. She does not use protection and does not tell you. How nice that she did not care that she may have given you a disease. How nice that she blames the cheating on drinking and other medications. This is not taking responsibility for her actions. I guarantee you that there is probably much more to her story than you know. See an attorney to understand your rights. Do you really want to pay for the next 18 years for a child that is not yours? If you get a divorce down the line you will still have to pay for this child. Good luck.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

She was with an OM at a time when the two of you were actively trying to conceive? So she was probably getting lots of sex from you but still not enough. She sounds seriously messed up, do you want to be stuck with a cheater, liar and person with such a badly broken moral compass the rest of your life? And everytime you look at this child knowing its not your offspring will you be able to cope with the lifetime of resentment that will surely bring? View this as your last chance to jettison the dead weight, because as I discussed in another thread (and I know because one of my best friends went through this exact scenario) once you take care of this child as your own the courts will stick you with that financial burden the rest of your life even if your cheating W chooses to run off with yet another man and take this child with her (assuming she wins custody). The moment you accept this child as your own it will be your obligation...

IMO you should divorce her because she is unfaithful and she should pursue child support from the OM, if the OM is unwilling and she doesnt' want to go after him legally she should decide if she can raise her child as a single mom and if not she should give it up for adoption to a home that wants and is able to provide a loving family to this child. Sorry for your doozie of a problem, but IMO you should let her go she is not worth keeping, nor are her problems.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is a good chance that in a month this poor baby will come out looking nothing like you....hence the long awaited truth from your WW.

Step back protect your self by getting a lawyer and give your self the time before you have your lawyer pull the trigger. There may even be a good chance that once your WW hears about the step you are taking she may come completly clean, and with that you may have all the pieces that you will have in knowing what you are forgiving her for.

The thing here is you truely don't know what you are forgiving her for, for now this ONS is only that, but it could turn out that the ONS does change into a relationship. What I'm saying is this ONS guy could change his mind....especially when he no longer has any responsablity for the bastard child but gets to reap the benifites of having your wife on the side.

There is a strong possiblity that things have cooled down and the affair is deep underground until your WW is back on her feet. A poly graph test my also be in order, having some questions asked to iether confirm or deny that this guy is what she says is and he will/won't resurface once his kid is born. Then not only to have the child to deal with but also deal with your WW seeing the other man while he visits his child.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wouldn't give up the baby for adoption, he/she's innocent in all of this.

I would however tell her to hit the road.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I wouldn't give up the baby for adoption, he/she's innocent in all of this.
> 
> I would however tell her to hit the road.


um, so then what exactly would you suggest is best for this child?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Keep the child, and kick her out on her arse..


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Lon said:


> um, so then what exactly would you suggest is best for this child?


His wife to raise it. Possibly find his biological dad to help with child support.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Run! Forest! Run!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> um, so then what exactly would you suggest is best for this child?


Let the child's mother and father raise it. His biological mother and father.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sondar, if you're comfortable with the fact that your first baby is a result of betrayal and infidelity then go ahead, raise it as your own. However it will be a constant reminder of your wife's actions for the rest of your life. It will be very difficult to establish that connection with him had he been yours or she already had him when you met.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Adoption at the least. Does she even know who this guy was? And are you sure it was really a ONS?


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I don't see a happy ending here. You stay, and keep the child, you will have a lifetime of triggers and resentment. You stay, and she gives up the child, she resents you for the rest of your life. And she still hasn't told you the whole truth- count on it. Listen to those telling you to see a lawyer. You may be able to salvage the rest of your life, but probably not w/ this woman.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You can't raise someone else's child. See a lawyer and get out of this relationship, for your own sake.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

river rat said:


> I don't see a happy ending here. You stay, and keep the child, you will have a lifetime of triggers and resentment. You stay, and she gives up the child, she resents you for the rest of your life. And she still hasn't told you the whole truth- count on it. Listen to those telling you to see a lawyer. You may be able to salvage the rest of your life, but probably not w/ this woman.


Rat is right. 

Stay with this woman and raise her unholy offspring and you will trigger every hour of every day for the rest of your life. Your bimbo wife will continue having affairs because...well, she's a bimbo. 

Before you know it the decades will have passed, and you will look back on your wasted life, wishing you had divorced her; or at the very least, had asked the OM to put a gun to your head and spare you the misery of trudging through a life of deciet and betrayal, until all of your days were utterly spent and all that was left of your soul is a withering cloud of angry vapor.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The only guess if she did indeed take the pill is that there are more than one OM.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I voted to dump her. However, if you decide to forgive(?) her, you can continue and see what the next child looks like.
She obviously is revealing only about ten percent of the truth.
Maybe she doesn't even know who fathered the child.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

sondar said:


> I have been married for a couple of years now. We had been trying for a baby ever since we got married. After 15 months of trying, my wife finally announced she was pregnant. We were over the moon. We both were really excited about the arrival, telling everyone our good news along with scan photos. Life was great.
> 
> Anyway, when she was 8 months pregnant, my wife told me that she had had a one night stand "ages ago". She had been very drunk, and on various medication at the time. When I pressed her to tell me when it was, it turned out to be 8 months previously. She told me that it had been unprotected sex, although she had used the morning after pill. She was sure the baby was mine because we had had sex a couple of times at the right time. Anyway, I asked for a prenatal paternity test and found out (9 days before the baby was born) that it wasn't mine. That was the single worst moment of my life.
> 
> I love my wife dearly, and she loves me too and is devastated at what she has done. *She has also offered to give the baby up for adoption,* *as she would rather live without the baby than live without me.*


I do feel sorry for the baby in all of this mess. I think it's awfully irresponsible and callous of her to offer to give a baby up for adoption since the two of you have been trying anyway. She fvcked up and a child will "given" away because of what???? Her stupidity and irresponsible crap? 

She sounds like an awful wife and an even worse mother!

For you, I suggest you dump her.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Less than two years of marriage and she gets pregnant from a one night stand and passes it off as yours. She had to know that there was a good possibility that it was not yours. She figured it was safe to tell you now. Or maybe she had to tell you because there could be a possibility that the real father is not of your race.

Regardless, this is a situation that you cannot win. Even though she says she is willing to give up the kid for adaption, she will eventually resent you making her choose (even if it is her idea). If you stay with her, the child will be a daily reminder of her infidelity.

The best for you is to get out now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Get tested for STD's.

Her claiming it to be ONS doesn't make sense. If it was she would have told you right after it or after she realized she was pregnant, not on the 8th month.

As other's suggested, get legal advise ASAP and kick her arse to the curb.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'd recommend taking at least one more paternity test just to be sure that the first one is valid. My friend, you have your hands full. If your wife is truly repentant and shows contrition, and you still truly love her and offer her forgiveness, then you must decide if you want to raise that child with her and claim it as your own. You would, in my book, be "the man" for doing that. But you and her would have to submit to a lot of marriage and individual counseling in order to see it through.

If that is not an option, then you'll have to cut your losses with her and move on. I'd try to talk to a pastor or a counselor ASAP. And then if necessary, get with an attorney to see what options you have. An annulment might be in order rather than a divorce, at least in this case. Best of luck to you, my friend!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> I'd recommend taking at least one more paternity test just to be sure that the first one is valid. My friend, you have your hands full. If your wife is truly repentant and shows contrition, and you still truly love her and offer her forgiveness, then you must decide if you want to raise that child with her and claim it as your own. You would, in my book, be "the man" for doing that. But you and her would have to submit to a lot of marriage and individual counseling in order to see it through.
> 
> If that is not an option, then you'll have to cut your losses with her and move on. I'd try to talk to a pastor or a counselor ASAP. And then if necessary, get with an attorney to see what options you have. An annulment might be in order rather than a divorce, at least in this case. Best of luck to you, my friend!


That takes some really big cajones. There was a chance my wife was pregnant from her ONS, and I was considering it because we had 7 years of good history and two kids and I'm a pretty forgiving person. But after such a short marriage? And no kids? What's the compelling reason to stay and put yourself through all that hard work and anguish?


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Raising another mans child for the next 18 years. It's one thing if she was preg before you were together, and MANY men have a hard time doing that. But a child that is a trigger/reminder of your wifes betrayal?! I don't think I could do it. I'm so sorry for you but if you could muster up the strength to leave her ..and please get a lawyer, in some states just by being the husband...you are financially responsible. 

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Just divorce, do not push for adoption. The child is innocent here, he deserves to have at least a mother.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i'm all for inflicting as much pain as possible.. show everyone the test results, mom,dad,sis,bro,hell even the preacher that married you. wanna cover all your bases so she can't accuse you of just running off. then dump the ho.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He needs to divorce her. He needs to legally separate himself from any liability for the child. 

She owes the baby a mother. She should raise this child on her own or with the help from some other man willing to do it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

snap said:


> Just divorce, do not push for adoption. The child is innocent here, he deserves to have at least a mother.


?? adoption would give the baby two loving parents, instead of one lying, cheating, mother and a father no one knows.

There are literally thousands of healthy, rational people who want to adopt babies because they can't have their own.


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## Always_Sunny (Jan 31, 2012)

Head over to http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/42861-unsure-im-father.html, and you'll see what it's like to raise a child for almost 10 months, and THEN find out she's not yours.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

COguy said:


> ?? adoption would give the baby two loving parents, instead of one lying, cheating, mother and a father no one knows.
> 
> There are literally thousands of healthy, rational people who want to adopt babies because they can't have their own.


Having two adoptive parents, even if they later on divorce, improves the baby's lot by giving him/her not only economic advantages but psychological ones as well. But most women who give birth form such a strong emotional bond with their baby that giving him/her up for adoption is excruciatingly painful.

OP, it is HER child and her responsibility. Your love for her is not enough when she had no respect for you and destroyed your trust in her. Even without the pregnancy, the marriage is dying. Wake up and smell the coffee.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

sondar said:


> I have been married for a couple of years now. We had been trying for a baby ever since we got married. After 15 months of trying, my wife finally announced she was pregnant. We were over the moon. We both were really excited about the arrival, telling everyone our good news along with scan photos. Life was great.
> 
> Anyway, when she was 8 months pregnant, my wife told me that she had had a one night stand "ages ago". She had been very drunk, and on various medication at the time. When I pressed her to tell me when it was, it turned out to be 8 months previously. She told me that it had been unprotected sex, although she had used the morning after pill. She was sure the baby was mine because we had had sex a couple of times at the right time. Anyway, I asked for a prenatal paternity test and found out (9 days before the baby was born) that it wasn't mine. That was the single worst moment of my life.
> 
> I love my wife dearly, and she loves me too and is devastated at what she has done. She has also offered to give the baby up for adoption, as she would rather live without the baby than live without me.


You were trying for a baby for one &half years, she had a ONS and got pregnant immediately. Surely she know that there was a chance for the OM to be the father of her child. your wife who loves you soooo much, who loves you more than her child, who cant live without you lied to you about the real possibility of OM being the father, Didnt ever mentioned about her cheating to you. Made you believe that its your baby. Dont you feel her lying and cheating for this long and making you a fool for this long is more painful and hurting than her ONS. Her love for you is for her convenience and fear of loosing her meal ticket.

Dont you feel her the most selfish women to give away her child whom she carried on her womb for 9 months to be with you? Do you believe that she really intended for that, IMO it was only a way of hooking you on her hook to make you believe that she is in love with you, actually she is not that much in love with you, else she should have told you about her cheating on next day, she should have gone for the option of abortion as she very well know the fact that raising some one child especially she got from cheating her husband is painful for her husband for rest of your life. 

Do you believe her story of ONS, i don't think that what she told you is even a fraction of truth. It may have been a affair, may be ging now also under your nose.

If you don't want to raise someones child and look back your life with resent and pain for rest of your life, this is your chance to move away from her its a gods gift for you to live a normal peaceful life with some other women who love you and bear your own child. To live your life with happiness and meaning. take this chance you wont get this chance again, if you make any delay you will be paying CS for another 18yrs and she may be living with someone else.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

Holy sh!t, divorce divorce divorce! You were thrown a hail Mary since you can prove pre-birth the child is NOT yours. Absolutely do NOT sign anything showing that you accept you are the father- not the birth certificate, *nothing.* TELL NO ONE after it is born that you are the father. Get a lawyer NOW before you get stuck paying child support for a kid that isn't yours for 18 years.

If she wants support for her kid, she had better hope she knows who the father is. I highly doubt it was a ONS. She hid it from you for 8 months, how could you possibly trust anything she says about the details?

Also, in case I wasn't clear enough... do NOT reconcile, divorce! If you stay who knows how many other men's children you will raise for her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

snap said:


> Just divorce, do not push for adoption. The child is innocent here, he deserves to have at least a mother.


What?
Adoption to a loving home where the baby is truly wanted and has a chance to be raised in a healthy marriage and family is not a punishent to the baby.

Adoption is in the best interests of the child, and I am in favor of that. Adoptive parents love their children.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where is Sondar?

Why do I get the feeling we are unwitting participants in a college project survey?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Where is Sondar?
> 
> Why do I get the feeling we are unwitting participants in a college project survey?


Believe it or not.. But i have also had that feeling..Either a student or lame MC, or a journalist.
who has to write a article regarding affair´s


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

That definitely happened at Loveshack from time to time.


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