# You ever just KNOW that shes looking for a reason



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

...to start a fight?

Tonight was my night. We haven't fought in weeks- nothing to fight about really.

I could sense the moment I got home from work- We said and did all the same things, had dinner, talked a bit, but I could just feel it. My defenses were on red alert all night. I was being careful about every word that left my mouth.

She seemed almost disappointed that the night was almost over and I haven't given her any reason to bare the claws and rip into me...

But with only 5 minutes left in the night, her opportunity arose.. I messed up something earlier, really by accident (consider it like breaking a cheap dish in the kitchen).. and while I thought nothing of it- it gave her that opening to come at me with the fangs ... far too upset over something so trivial.. and she basically screamed at me and then shut me out (refuses to speak to me now). 

sigh.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Trust your radar on this.

The first question is what's really bothering her. The second is why can't you say what you did? If it was like breaking a cheap dish then you would just say what it was.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Please tell me there were consequences for this over the top behavior.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

next time be a man and when she blows her top hold her accountible.

something like what is your problem get the f over it I'm your husband and noone can talk to me like you just did!

if she keeps up her poor attitude tell her if she so unhappy the door is over there. and she can let her self out.

then do not inguage her until she apoligises. give her the cold shoulder maybe even get cleaned up and go out for a beer. if she dosn't come to you and try to open up comunication and talk things out. Then you have to decide if you want a lifetime of this or you want out.


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

It happened to me in one of my relationship. It was usually during or right before her periods. Soon, she also realized it and we worked on it.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

If you get that feeling just ask her what's the problem. She'll say nothing or what are you talking about. Tell her she's walking around like there is something she needs to get off her chest. Good communicator will tell you what issues she's having whether its with you, the kids, work, etc. Bad communicator will either get over it because you called them on their sh!t or will start yelling about you trying to start something with them. Either way your egg shell walking is done for the evening and you can go finish your beer.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Trust your radar on this.
> 
> The first question is what's really bothering her. The second is why can't you say what you did? If it was like breaking a cheap dish then you would just say what it was.


1) she was just in a crappy mood
2) because if she does browse this site, I don't want her to recognize me by my rants - that would be catastrophic


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Please tell me there were consequences for this over the top behavior.


I gave her the cold shoulder.. She's still playing the foul mood, hoping I break into nice guy mode. So far, it's a mexican standoff. We're talking, but avoiding that. Things are tense, as usual.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> I gave her the cold shoulder.. She's still playing the foul mood, hoping I break into nice guy mode. So far, it's a mexican standoff. We're talking, but avoiding that. Things are tense, as usual.


How about you make up a little bed and call it the kiddy bed. And whenever she wants to act like a child (by throwing a temper tantrum) she gets to sleep in the kiddy bed.

Dude. Man up. My wife has issues with her patience (nothing we didn't know about) and every once in a while it flares up. I hold her to task and just shut it down. Whatever it is she's not happy with gets dropped as an issue. It goes something like.

She gets nasty in how she addresses me about an issue
My first response is said calmly "We'll talk about the issue when you stop being nasty"
If she continues to be nasty (which over time has disappeared....through not accepting it)
"You're being nasty and if you keep at it...I'LL GET NASTY TOO."
Now my wife has learned to control her impatience and I give her a pass once a month. (I know this sounds funny but her impatience was a big issue for about a year). It was actually stemming from other issues which, by FORCING her to control her patience she was able to look at and she...in and of herself..is in a better place.

Now in the rare moments where she starts in a nasty way. I can use humor. Like "Don't make me put a spider in our bed" (running joke) or as she's sitting there fuming about something, I'll turn and drop trou and moon her. It's hard to stay unreasonably angry when you have an a$$ in your face.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Check the calendar.....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

LonelyinLove said:


> Check the calendar.....


HAHA yeah, when my wife has a crying day, as in tv shows or a book she's reading where she cries at the drop of a hat.

We know Aunt Flo will be here tomorrow.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LonelyinLove said:


> Check the calendar.....


thats a poor excuse to act like a raging bi*ch.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

This stuff doesn’t bother me anymore. My wife does the same and it did lead to real problems; like that silent treatment and resentment on both sides.

What I did. Trust that radar. If it feels like a fight is brewing for no good reason, embrace it instead of avoiding it. My wife... well, it just sort of builds up over time. It’s not one thing in particular, nor does it have to be anything about me. She’s just frustrated, tired, stressed, etc. And she blows.

So, I pick carefully. I’ll do something very minor like challenging her; “I’ll get the dog’s some water when the show is over.” sort of thing instead of jumping up immediately. Then it’s on. I hop on the crazy train she’s driving. And instead of defending, escalate and start making equally as wild of accusations about her being completely lazy. Make stuff up about her too. Have fun egging her on. The crazier you get the better off you’ll be. Why?

Because this isn’t about the affront. It is about her releasing all those toxic feelings and insecurities. Let her rage. She probably knows how irrational and overboard she let it go; You tolerating it and going mushy pisses her off. Instead, you want to be a challenge and resist any attempt to break you. By going off the deep end, it is also easy as hell for you once she’s hit that ‘feel better’ stage that you can laugh at yourself and her for being so crazy. Then you bond. Accept her insanity as yours to share and something unique you two share. Reassure her that it’s ok to let it out, but you’d prefer she give you some head’s up. Arguing can be fun if you do it over the little stuff. I’ve had the “where’s my f’n sandwitch” fight, the “why didn’t you notice the laundry bin is new” fight, the “ugly assed comforter” fight, etc... Stuff that doesn’t really matter. What matters is being able to release all those toxic emotions before they fester and blame starts getting assigned or associated with you.

As her friend once told me; “Why she fell in love with you is because you were the first guy who won’t put up with her bullsh1t”. I forgot that once.... now I don’t.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> thats a poor excuse to act like a raging bi*ch.


It might be a poor excuse, but that doesn't change the reality of raging PMS hormones either.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Regardless of PMS hormones, she has a responsibility to act like a mature adult and treat you with respect. 

Lord knows I am guilty of mood swings and dealing with other mental health issues on top of my monthly gift. I have days wgen I know I am no good to be around and nothing happy will come from me. 9n those days I kindly ask my H to give me some space and leave me be. I know with time the feeling will pass. I just need space to get over it. 

To me that is a lot better for our marriage than picking fights just to let off steam. 

Plus it baffles me how its somehow acceptable to treat our spouses worse than we would treat our enemies yet they are supposed to sit back and take the lashing out. I dont think so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LonelyinLove said:


> It might be a poor excuse, but that doesn't change the reality of raging PMS hormones either.


when i had raging hormones from 14 to....well even now I am told to control it. I just can't go around raping women when my hormones are raging this argument that they can't help but be a bi*ch when there ragging just dosn't fly at least with me!


no room in my life for cry babies who can't deal with a little discomfort now and again.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> when i had raging hormones from 14 to....well even now I am told to control it. I just can't go around raping women when my hormones are raging this argument that they can't help but be a bi*ch when there ragging just dosn't fly at least with me!
> 
> 
> no room in my life for cry babies who can't deal with a little discomfort now and again.


Well they figure that if they reject you enough, they can train you to require much less. Much much less than even the average job.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

kag123 said:


> Plus it baffles me how its somehow acceptable to treat our spouses worse than we would treat our enemies yet they are supposed to sit back and take the lashing out. I dont think so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly why you must fight back. You aren't supposed to just take it, and it is nothing more than a emotional outburst. If you do go doormat, you encourage it to continue to happen.

You just don't have to be cruel about it or hold a grudge.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

If I fought back every time, we'd be divorced by now. I do my fair share of standing up for myself, but I also pick my battles carefully- She's not rational. We don't laugh it off when it's over. The more I fight back, the more angry she gets- and it's become WW3 a couple of times.. I have to consider my child hearing that, and how emotional the child gets after hearing us fight too.. it's a damn shame, but I don't put up with her crap a lot for no reason. 

I'm trapped in this.. there's a lot of backstory and I've discussed leaving on these forums until my eyes bled.. it always ended with the fact that if I divorce her, our child will suffer, and it's a risk I don't have the luxury of taking.

So I vent.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> *If I fought back every time, we'd be divorced by now. * I do my fair share of standing up for myself, but I also pick my battles carefully- *She's not rational. * We don't laugh it off when it's over. The more I fight back, the more angry she gets- and it's become WW3 a couple of times.. I have to consider my child hearing that, and how emotional the child gets after hearing us fight too.. it's a damn shame, but I don't put up with her crap a lot for no reason.
> 
> I'm trapped in this.. there's a lot of backstory and I've discussed leaving on these forums until my eyes bled.. it always ended with the fact that if I divorce her, our child will suffer, and it's a risk I don't have the luxury of taking.
> 
> So I vent.


You're not trapped. That is complete nonsense. She is playing with you like a spider with a fly caught in its web. She is obviously a total head case, a bully, and totally immature. She knows she has a whipping boy, and you let her do it.

Your child is suffering now, watching a mother demean her father, and a father not being in charge of his house.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Kobo said:


> If you get that feeling just ask her what's the problem. She'll say nothing or what are you talking about. Tell her she's walking around like there is something she needs to get off her chest. Good communicator will tell you what issues she's having whether its with you, the kids, work, etc. Bad communicator will either get over it because you called them on their sh!t or will start yelling about you trying to start something with them. Either way your egg shell walking is done for the evening and you can go finish your beer.


Posts like this take all the fun out of it, so obvious, yet I don't do it either, next time!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ok, I’ll try again. Rational... lol. It’s not there. There probably isn’t even “one particular” reason for what’s bothering them. Life. It’s not easy, it’s not fair, it doesn’t work “as planned”.

Really, think about it. I bet you feel like screaming sometimes. No particular reason, just something that builds. Everything just sort of torques you. Like a rock gathering speed as things are added and piled onto you. Have you had a best buddy who eggs you on to just go off that deep end of rambling thoughts and rage? So, you just puke it all out and you flat out know it’s just the worst of the worst and some of it is probably just a major misunderstanding. But you do spill out those irrational (usually drunk) thoughts regardless. Why? It makes you feel better. And because they understand that craziness and accept it as long as it stays within boundaries, you don’t feel judged. They accept this in you. It isn’t brought up again except in a jovial shared sort of good natured ribbing instead of some argument ammo for future fights meant to harm or shame you. Your wife can be that for you and you that for her. 

The problem right now is you both are probably looking for that reason to pop off. Waiting for the other to just do something wrong. Looking for someone to blame for what is totally normal. People need to rage every now and again. She’s probably more focused on what the hell you are doing wrong and trying to rationalize why the hell she’s frustrated than just accepting life/marriage/kids IS frustrating. No one to blame, it just is that way. Life is not perfect.

The kids overhearing. Not really a bad thing once you learn how to fight. You teach it isn’t puppies and unicorns and is tough so they have realistic expectations of relationships. But you make up and plod on without hatred toward each other and they see that swagger you both have and that twinkle in your eye. Hell, I’ve heard my kids tell us “just get a room”.. Fighting can be bonding when done right; Don’t avoid it... just morph it into raging at the world together.


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> If I fought back every time, we'd be divorced by now. I do my fair share of standing up for myself, but I also pick my battles carefully- She's not rational. We don't laugh it off when it's over. The more I fight back, the more angry she gets- and it's become WW3 a couple of times.. I have to consider my child hearing that, and how emotional the child gets after hearing us fight too.. it's a damn shame, but I don't put up with her crap a lot for no reason.
> 
> I'm trapped in this.. there's a lot of backstory and I've discussed leaving on these forums until my eyes bled.. it always ended with the fact that if I divorce her, our child will suffer, and it's a risk I don't have the luxury of taking.
> 
> So I vent.



Umm....this sounds like my situation.

Exactly.

I feel like my HUSBAND is the one who does the "raging" and I feel "trapped" too..and, yes, hear you loud and clear...if I fought back each time...I'd be divorced by now.


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

Wish I could follow your advice, barbaos!


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## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

Kaboom:

I know I should be taking advice from my therapist and primary care and to suggest "counseling" to my husband who "rages" like this.....(and I have done it in the heat of the moment...he's never told me he wants to go) but now I have to suggest it when he's calmer and need to pick a time to do it (as per my therpist's instructions) and "get into" the behavior that has bothered me...it's just that it takes GUTS to do it.

Can I ask? Has that been something that you've suggested (or thought to suggest) to your wife?


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

ella1048 said:


> Kaboom:
> 
> I know I should be taking advice from my therapist and primary care and to suggest "counseling" to my husband who "rages" like this.....(and I have done it in the heat of the moment...he's never told me he wants to go) but now I have to suggest it when he's calmer and need to pick a time to do it (as per my therpist's instructions) and "get into" the behavior that has bothered me...it's just that it takes GUTS to do it.
> 
> Can I ask? Has that been something that you've suggested (or thought to suggest) to your wife?


She does see a psychologist and a counselor, she's on drugs for depression. I've been through all of the suggestions here- I didn't mean to open this thread as problem solving 101.. I was just venting .

Barbados:
When I say I feel trapped, please do not misunderstand. I'm not cowering in a corner flinching every time she walks past. I'm my own man, I live a good strong life. My only time of misery is when I'm around her. When I say I'm trapped- I'm saying that I simply cannot just up and leave. I'm forced by circumstance to STAY. 

That doesn't mean I stay and just take it. That means I stay and deal with it.

Dealing with it is a far more complex matter. You just can't fight back with a machine gun every time. Fighting back means slamming doors, zero communication, anything business or social on the calendar is now ruined or delayed. Stress is high, anxiety skyrockets. You can't win an argument with an irrational person, no matter how hard you try. You may even think you won.. but the only way you win is if the other party agrees that you won. Irrational and bipolar people don't like to lose, and rarely admit it.

So I either fight, or what I do most of the time: grumble, and walk away (angry), and just exit the room. SOMETIMES I will just say whatever it is she wants to hear (if I can even figure it out) just to put it to rest, if that looks like a possibility.

So a fight is basically equal to stabbing myself in the face. It painful, maddening, and accomplishes nothing. 

Our child is severely disabled, and unfortunately needs BOTH of us. I can't do it alone, and neither of us have any family or close friends to fall back onto.. it's up to us, and only us. I'm sure to some degree, she feels as trapped as I do.

So there's the longer explanation. I just hate it when she's all jacked on anxiety and wants to start her crap. It's over now, although I can still feel she's looking for round 2.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> *If I fought back every time, we'd be divorced by now. *I do my fair share of standing up for myself, but I also pick my battles carefully- She's not rational. We don't laugh it off when it's over. The more I fight back, the more angry she gets- and it's become WW3 a couple of times.. I have to consider my child hearing that, and how emotional the child gets after hearing us fight too.. it's a damn shame, but I don't put up with her crap a lot for no reason.
> 
> I'm trapped in this.. there's a lot of backstory and I've discussed leaving on these forums until my eyes bled.. it always ended with the fact that if I divorce her, our child will suffer, and it's a risk I don't have the luxury of taking.
> 
> So I vent.


No you wouldn't.

You know why your wife does this....SHE CAN! You allow it.

Your wife has spent a long time training you, maybe intentionally, maybe unintentionally, but YOU ARE TRAINED in a pavlovian manner. You see her "look" you sense her quick trigger and you go and hide and play quiet and nice etc.

What you need to do is flip the script. Next time you see "that look" don't miss a beat. Find something in the house and GO OFF. Maybe she was going to fold some laundry or iron a shirt....ANYTHING Find it and go off on her. Make sure you bring in old stuff and lots of "You always". Put her on the defensive. Keep doing it. Over time she'll associate her "attitude" with getting scolded.

I know you think I'm crazy, I'm not. You're dealing with someone who isn't rational IE...you can't sit down and have a conversation about issues to solve them. So instead you have to take other methods.

I had dated a woman who I allowed to treat me badly because I was still in the "nice guy" mode of thinking. Over time the sex slowly dried up and then one time we got in a fight and I called her a few choice names...and we had great sex that night. A light went on. If I treated her nicely, I didn't get sex, if I treated her poorly, I'd get sex. I experimented with this 3 or 4 times and then broke up with her because I realized how COMPLETELY dysfunctional it was. But it did teach me about "training".


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

re-read the post I made at the same time and then get back to me.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I should just make a long-winded signature about my circumstances and assure everyone I'm not a "nice guy" so I don't have to explain all this every time I post.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Kaboom said:


> Our child is severely disabled, and unfortunately needs BOTH of us. I can't do it alone, and neither of us have any family or close friends to fall back onto.. it's up to us, and only us. I'm sure to some degree, she feels as trapped as I do.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Kaboom said:


> I should just make a long-winded signature about my circumstances and assure everyone I'm not a "nice guy" so I don't have to explain all this every time I post.


Doesn't matter if you're a nice guy or not. You're wasting your life on a crazy lady or at least a spoiled lady. You can continue to use your child as an excuse but that's what it is. You're also training your child that its OK to be in a dysfunctional relationship. Are you going to tell your young one to stay in it for the kids when they're in an abusive relationship?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> re-read the post I made at the same time and then get back to me.


Yeah...you were on high alert because you knew something was coming. All I'm saying is you can either be proactive and try and train her out of her response or to try and weather them.



Kaboom said:


> I should just make a long-winded signature about my circumstances and assure everyone I'm not a "nice guy" so I don't have to explain all this every time I post.


I'm not saying YOU are a "nice guy" I was giving you what MY experience was. I was the nice guy. 

I understand you're really just venting. And (I'm not being mean when I say the following) my normal response (and others) is when someone gripes/vents about a problem is to look for solutions. As my wife has trained me...sometimes the venter doesn't want a solution, sometimes they just want to vent..(she got annoyed with sharing stuff like work issues because my normal reaction is to offer solutions, when in reality all she needed/wanted was someone to listen).I get it.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Well believe me, I've given it a lot of thought, especially over the last two years. My wife was mental long before the child issues became evident. I won't give her that as an excuse, anymore than I would excuse myself if I behaved like that. 

In the end, I keep coming to the same conclusion- If I split up, she would most likely try to get custody, simply so she could get child support on top of potential spousal support, as well as simply to make me suffer. She's completely dependent and couldn't survive on her own. I didn't make her that way, and throughout my pushing her for several years now to become more independent, get a job, get a life (I never put it that rudely or bluntly fwiw).. She's resisted. She WAS independent when I met her, although barely, but she was. Once married, she didn't just fall into dependency mode, she did a triple-somersault backflip into it.. And I unwittingly let it happen.

But anyways, here's the clencher.. with a specials needs child- who is the best parent to take custody in a divorce? The bi-polar one who can't even support themselves, has anger issues, and would eagerly use the child as a weapon, or the stable, dependable person who works hard, provides, and loves the child unconditionally? In most courts, the woman gets the child, period.

We all know it's true, and even though I can prove her instabilities, there's no guarantee, or even decent amount of assurance that I could win custody. It would be a long hard battle, that would drain us both of finances we don't even have. The child will suffer immeasurably for that.

I refuse to accept that risk. I'd rather be miserable than transfer that misery + compound it upon my child. Sorry that isn't good enough for some here, but that's my choice. 

Do I feel trapped by it? Yes, of course! But like I said, it's simply a risk that is too big .. 

It doesn't really matter. Like I mentioned in the OP- my fuse is short with her these days. The D word comes up in almost every fight. It feels like its inevitable anyways. I no longer can control my anger enough to stop my mouth from saying things during fights.. which is why I avoid them as well. I know where it's heading, and I secretly hope to myself that at least when it happenes, that our kid will be old enough that the impact from all the turmoil is lessened or at least tolerated better.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Kaboom, if things are as cut and dry as you state - that she has mental health issues that are well-documented, that she is incapable of or has extreme difficulty holding down a job, that she has anger issues and would be unable to give a child a stable home - then there's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't get custody. The fact that your child is special-needs (as much as I hate wording it this way) helps your case. Your child has medical, emotional, and educational needs above that of an "average" child, and DEMANDS a parent who can minimize their own issues to care for the child.

Maybe ten years ago this would still hold true. Things are different now. If you can prove, beyond a doubt, that she is unfit to be a parent and you are the better parent for your child, the case should be clear.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> If you can prove, beyond a doubt, that she is unfit to be a parent and you are the better parent for your child, the case should be clear.



Two key words in that sentence are "IF" and "SHOULD". There's no guarantees in life, as you even cannot guarantee your statement. Could you ruin a disabled child's life to save your own? Could you assume the risk that if you lose the case, that the child will live a much harder life?

Like I said in a previous post, I believe that our divorce is inevitable, so this may be a moot discussion. Things have gotten a lot worse since my last post. I'm actually pretty floored right now at her last 'outburst' It came from nowhere, and is possibly the most irrational I've ever seen her. I can no longer help myself, my anger now takes control and I speak my mind exactly instead of placating her. It only ever makes anything worse, but at this point, I really don't see the point in trying to make anything better. She's really lost it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Woman don't usually blow up over stupid crap, (Or I don't) there is something else that is bothering her.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

Sometimes I think my wife does this to ensure I don't try for sex that night.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Document her behavior, both with you, and if applicable with your child. Every single time.

Document her medications.

Document her diagnosis.

Carry a voice activated recorder. 

Talk to an attorney.

If you believe you will get steam-rolled in a divorce, and thereby choose to do nothing proactive for yourself and your child, then you WILL get steam-rolled.

You say divorce is inevitable. If that is what you believe then you'd best plan NOW.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

ladybird said:


> Woman don't usually blow up over stupid crap, (Or I don't) there is something else that is bothering her.


She's mentally ill. The more he tries to engage her the more she escalates. That isn't normal, or acceptable.

Document her behavior, both with you, and if applicable with your child. Every single time.

Document her medications.

Document her diagnosis.

Carry a voice activated recorder. 

Be firm but cool whenever the sh!t does hit the fan.

Talk to an attorney.

If you believe you will get steam-rolled in a divorce, and thereby choose to do nothing proactive for yourself and your child, then you WILL get steam-rolled.

You say divorce is inevitable. If that is what you believe then you'd best plan NOW.


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