# Got Myself Into a Mess...Advice Please!



## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

First, I would like to disclose that I am a 29 year old gay man in a same sex relationship with a 28 year old gay man. I know many people do not understand or agree with same sex relationships. If that is you, you need not read any further. Why am I posting in a marriage forum you ask? Well, while I am not straight and not married, I feel the issues I am having in my relationship are not necessarily unique to a same sex relationship. If you want to continue reading, please try to forget that I am gay for a moment and try to respond in the same manner you would if this were a male/female relationship. 

Here goes...I have been with my partner for 4.5 years now. The level of intimacy between us has never been great, but the last 3 years has been horrible. To clarify, when I say "intimacy" I do not mean just sex acts. I'm talking about kissing, cuddling, making out...everything. The physical act of sex means less to me than the emotional closeness it brings me. Over the last 3 years, we are physically intimate with one another on average maybe once every 2 months, often even less than that. The longest time gap was about 6 months. Him not wanting to be intimate with me has left me feeling un-attractive, emotionally unfulfilled and lonely. Let me say at 5'8" tall and 150 lbs, I am not fat and I am not ugly either. I had NO trouble getting men before I met my partner and I still turn heads. I have told him many times over the last 3 years how I feel about our relationship and it has fallen on deaf ears. About a month ago I sat him down and told him point blank what I needed to change for me to want to stay in this relationship. I told him I needed sex at least once a week, I needed him to WANT to cuddle and make out with me on a regular basis and I needed him to seek help for what I see as at least a minor case of depression. While he has stepped up the "I love you's" and has hugged me and kissed me on the cheek a lot more, that is simply not enough for me. We have had sex ONE time...and ONLY after I called him out on the fact that we had not done it yet 1.5 weeks after the conversation. He has not wanted to cuddle with me nor make out with me. To me, this was a slap in the face and I had enough. I made arrangements to move out and live with a family member. I sat him down last night and told him of my plans. He was understandably upset. He FINALLY revealed to me that he has serious issues with sex. He told me that he would rather jerk off alone than be intimate with me (or anyone else)! I thought he had no libido, but turns out he jerks off almost everyday when I'm not around! I had no idea! I was totally prepared to walk, but after talking with him I decided that after 4.5 years together, I probably did owe him the chance to change thru counseling and sex therapy. He grudgingly agreed to see a counselor and a sex therapist (if one even exists in our small city) to try to save our relationship. I honestly question if he can/will change and kind of have regrets that I even agreed to stay. I told him that I have realized that I need my partner to want intimacy in all respects all the time...and I'm not sure if he is that person. He agreed that he is not sure he is either, but thought we should find some common ground. I don't disagree that I should try, but I don't want to settle either. I don't want to be old, fat, and gray and wonder if I could have found something really great if I had stepped out of my comfort zone to try to find it. To complicate matters even more, I went online to find what was missing in my relationship and I got myself involved with an emotional affair with another man. To clarify, we have only met one time in person (and only hugged!) but we talk everyday...sometimes we talk more than I talk to my partner. He is a very sexual/intimate person and I really enjoy talking to him. I can't help but think I have a better chance of complete happiness with him rather than with my partner. He was very hurt to learn that at this time, I am not leaving my partner, and that makes me feel horrible. I know I probably sound like a horrible person for getting involved in a EA in the first place, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to hurt my partner, but I don't want to hurt the man that I dragged into this either. You should know that intiamcy is not my only issue with my partner but it is for sure the biggest one. I'm not sure I find him all that physically attractive, I question how much we have in common, and I find life with him incredibly dull. As much as I DO love him and as much as he is really good person, I don't know if he is the best person for me. Advice please!


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

You really only have two options here.

1. See if your current partner follows through and improvements satisfying to you are made.

2. Break it off with your current partner now if his efforts won't be regarded by you.

It's unfair to both parties you are involved with. If you expect your current partner to make these changes for you, he should expect your full support during this time. The other guy seems like he is on standby until you figure out what you want, and that is unfair as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

Thanks. I agree with all you said. I feel like I need to see him through counseling/therapy to see if improvements can be made...Does it seem wrong to you that is not taking ownership of this and has put it on me to try to find a sex therapist?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're cheating. Sounds like the same old excuse - I wasn't getting what I 'needed' from my partner and just wanted to see what's out there. Pshaw, I say.

If you are committed to seeing your partner through counseling, you need to BREAK IT OFF with your affair partner. If you want to be with your affair partner, you need to break it off with your partner.

Once that's done, then take the next step.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

While what you said is obviously not maybe what I want to hear, you are not really off base. May I add though, that you should not judge others until you have been in their shoes. Do you know what it's like to be starving from lack of intimacy for THREE years? Gay or Straight, if you are not giving your man or woman what he/she needs at home, that person will likely try to find it somewhere else.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ConfusedGuy82 said:


> While what you said is obviously not maybe what I want to hear, you are not really off base. May I add though, that you should not judge others until you have been in their shoes. Do you know what it's like to be starving from lack of intimacy for THREE years? Gay or Straight, if you are not giving your man or woman what he/she needs at home, that person will likely try to find it somewhere else.



way to justify your actions like every other cheater- and for the record hope has a cheating husband so she understands the pain of infidelity all too well (as do I), so maybe it is you that should be walking in her shoes instead of the other way around


the point is that you didn't do the right thing and end it before getting involved if you were so unhappy- it is plain wrong and no excuse is justified


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You are in the fog. Read up on "affair fog" and you will hopefully start to see yourself in the various characteristics. Basically, it is something like a conscience self-defense mechanism, that impairs your ability to see things as they really are in order to protect yourself from your OWN values and conscience.

You need to end a relationship, and you need to end it NOW. Whether that's your committed relationship with your partner, or your affair, is your choice. 

As far as the intimacy issues go, end the affair and then come back for advice with a clear head. Right now it is all fog. Good luck, it can be damn near impossible to think and act clearly when your brain is playing these tricks on you.


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