# hmmm



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Okay...update. It has now been 3 weeks since my husband moved out. I still have good days and bad days. When we have talked or texted some have been good and some have been bad. Last weekend I finally figured out that I am the only one that can create my happiness or sadness. I dont have anyone else to depend on but me. Yes...it totally sucks to think that not only am I miserable but my husband is as well. My husband just texted me today saying that he doesnt want to be alone anymore...in my opinion it doesnt' have to be like that. I want(ed) to work things out between us....he doesn't. I don't understand why he doesn't want to get thru this....but he doesnt'. So I have got to live my life. I felt horrible when he told me that he has cried everyday this past week and wants to find someone so he is not alone. Trust me....this being alone thing sucks big time. I miss the companionship. He joined a dating website I just found out. This past weekend I was looking at the dating websites...but did not join...or so I thought....little did I know...I guess I looked at his profile. I am not trying to keep tabs on him...but that is what he thinks now. He will not listen to me otherwise. So now what I am suppose to do?


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## missingmywife (Jan 16, 2011)

Wow, ur sigtuation is almost just like mine. Been married 17 yrs, 3 kids (2 hers from previous marriage). The difference is mine moved out and kept saying "I don't know what I want". So then when the kids told her I was being secretive about my emails, texts, etc, she went nuts.


denise1218 said:


> Okay...update. It has now been 3 weeks since my husband moved out. I still have good days and bad days. When we have talked or texted some have been good and some have been bad. Last weekend I finally figured out that I am the only one that can create my happiness or sadness. I dont have anyone else to depend on but me. Yes...it totally sucks to think that not only am I miserable but my husband is as well. My husband just texted me today saying that he doesnt want to be alone anymore...in my opinion it doesnt' have to be like that. I want(ed) to work things out between us....he doesn't. I don't understand why he doesn't want to get thru this....but he doesnt'. So I have got to live my life. I felt horrible when he told me that he has cried everyday this past week and wants to find someone so he is not alone. Trust me....this being alone thing sucks big time. I miss the companionship. He joined a dating website I just found out. This past weekend I was looking at the dating websites...but did not join...or so I thought....little did I know...I guess I looked at his profile. I am not trying to keep tabs on him...but that is what he thinks now. He will not listen to me otherwise. So now what I am suppose to do?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missingmywife (Jan 16, 2011)

Oops I hit submit by mistake. You're gonna have to let him go. Just completely let him go. Don't contact him at all, let him contact you on everything. And even then, make it business, quick, you control the conversation, you control when it ends. Don't give him ANY emotional support, b/c if you do he will SUCK YOU DRY trust me! You must take charge here. Go get em!


missingmywife said:


> Wow, ur sigtuation is almost just like mine. Been married 17 yrs, 3 kids (2 hers from previous marriage). The difference is mine moved out and kept saying "I don't know what I want". So then when the kids told her I was being secretive about my emails, texts, etc, she went nuts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

You are right....do not contact him if I dont have to. I have been doing good this last week....as in not crying and moping around...but then when he told me how he was doing...it just made me feel so bad. Just let him go.....


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

That's the manipulation. Why is it that he gets to feel worse than you? Isn't he the one that left and said he was done with the marriage??? He should be crying every day. ... And why is he telling you that he wants to find "someone" so that he's not lonely??? That is the most insensitive thing you can say to a person in your position, but somehow, because he tears up when he says it, he gets a pass?

I agree that you need to go for as little contact with him as possible. You are worried about his mental health and well being more than your own. If that continues, he will take everything you have and you will never be able to heal or move on. It's the hardest thing to do, but you have to detach yourself from him.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thanks for your response Blownaway. I agree with everything you said. But for some reason my heart just can't let go. All my friends say they see exactly what he is doing...trying to have his cake and eat it too...but I am too consumed by my own loss of the love of my life to even care or notice.


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## missingmywife (Jan 16, 2011)

Listen, I know EXACTLY how u feel! This woman IS the love of my life. I SOOOO Badly miss her! But if I don't take a firm stance, she's gonna take for my dignity and everything. Sadly you must control the situation.....control everything. When he comes to you, at that point you are in control. Give him nothing, he will come crawling back. Why? Because people want what they can't have. Control all situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I know. It's the hardest thing in the world to even start to let go a little bit. My H blindsided me and knocked me on my ass when he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I did not let go at all after he moved out because at that point I didn't know the real reason - the OW. Once I found out about her, the anger set in and it got real easy to ignore him and detach myself. If there is no OW in your case, it is a lot harder because there is really no major reason for this turn of events. It's hard to get angry in your situation when everyone is just so sad. I guess I would suggest to start focusing on the fact that this was HIS choice. That, regardless of the reason, he is choosing to break your heart and break up the family that you built together. It's really too bad that he cries and gets upset - he should have done that while you were together. He should have come to you to let you know his feelings and try to work things out as a couple. Instead, this is how he handles it. The anger helps to motivate. If you don't detach even a little bit, it will hurt you more in the long run. It's hard to see past these next few hours right now, but you have a long life ahead and you deserve to have that life be as happy as it can be. Leave this guy alone and give him the space that HE wanted. If he comes back, and you want to take him back, he's got a lot of work to do.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thanks again for the input. Yesterday was a very bad day all around. Not only for me but for my kids as well. My husband actually took the day off and got the kids out of school so that he could see them because he misses them. That was a good thing. But my oldest son yesterday broke down in school and my youngest one says that he will never be happy again. Monday night I talked to my husband and he was crying about how his life sucks...I told him that I know exactly how he feels. He said that my life doesn't suck because I have the boys all the time...he doesn't. I told him he just didn't understand. He has been chatting with a few girls he met on the dating website. But nothing has happened. He said there was this one girl...she wasn't very pretty, but she was very nice. He thought for sure he would have a chance with her. I guess nothing became of it but it made him feel bad because he can't even attract an "unattractive" girl. After he told me that, I just burst out crying. I am not "model" gorgeous, but I am not butt ugly either...but one of the things he said to me was that he was not as attracted to me. I am overweight and I don't like the way I look...but I always try to look the best I can. I just don't understand why he wont' give our marriage just one more try. I never want to go thru something like this again. I now know the importance of communication. He says that he will probably get attached to any girl that pays him attention...no matter what she looks like. Dagger in my heart. If only he would try one more time....we could get thru this...together....I just don't understand. I really am not that bad of a person.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

WTF???? He talks to you about the kind of women that he wants to meet and their looks and says that even if the person is not attractive he'll go for it??? That is twisted beyond belief. Stop listening to him. He has wrecked every ounce of self esteem that you've ever had. You should hear yourself - "not model gorgeous"; "overweight and don't like the way I look"; "I really am not that bad of a person". As far as I'm concerned, he can suck it!! He is a lowlife bully - just because he doesn't use a mean tone does not mean he's not a bully. He makes you feel awful to make himself feel better - that's a bully no matter how you cut it. What kind of person puts their distraught wife in the position of feeling bad for HIM while he's telling her that he's going to pursue dating anyone and anything with a pulse?? Run as far and as fast as you can from this guy. He has virtually robbed you of yourself. Spend some time alone and with friends/family who really care so you can find yourself and learn to love yourself again.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Wow...blownaway....you seem to know what you are talking about. I never thought of him as a bully...but I suppose in a way he is. When he was talking about finding someone new....I just don't know how to respond to it. I figured out today though....when I have to talk or text him....it stresses me out. We do have to keep in contact because of the kids. I need all the advice and help I can get!!!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I would only talk to him about situations that directly effect the kids...any other discussions are out of bounds...he is still trying to control you, to manipulate you...

Talking about what he wants to find in another woman is his way of comparing them to you, it's just another way of demeaning you...most likely he is feeding off of you because he isn't whole himself...he is weak, so he wants you to be weaker...

sometimes you are the alpha dog, sometimes you are the fire hydrant, don't let him piss on you no more...become the alpha dog and take control!!!


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Djf---thanks


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Denise, in your first post you said only you can control your own happiness or sadness...that is true to a certain extent, you can create your own happiness, but by letting him control you, you are letting him add to and maintain your sadness...

I think you are still trying to handle everything on your shoulders, both his problems and yours...I think you need a time for total separation except for anything dealing with the kids...you need to decide what is best for you, and the kids and as long as he keeps in constant contact with you, he keeps dangling that carrot in front of your nose...he keeps control...

I know you want him back, but it might just be time to let him go...you need to get your own self-esteem built back up, become stronger...find your own strength...


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

If he's already moved out, you just take control. No more talking to him directly unless it's a true emergency. I find that that hurts me every time. I don't even want to hear his voice at this point. Texting and emailing are a God send - use both of those modes of communication and ONLY if it involves kids or finances. I don't even use complete sentences most of the time. I'll text him on "his" nights with the kids and just say "kids tonight"? Just to be sure he can still pick them up on time. I'm not *****y, but I don't engage. I try to throw a please and thank you in there so that it's not a *****y tone, but my goal is to dismiss him as much as he dismissed me. I don't know if he really cares or even notices, but it helps take back some of your power. All of your power goes to him right now and you need to change that. I know you want him to come crawling back. That's a dream of mine - not because I would necessarily take him back, but the satisfaction of him realizing that the other side was not greener is something that is missing. In any event, the thing that I'm learning the most out of all of this is that we cannot EVER control another person. We can only control what we do. This form of minimal contact is for you. It helps you get back in the driver's seat. It does not matter how it impacts him. He needs to keep his manipulations to himself. Throw it back in his face and start protecting yourself.


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## pirouline (Jan 23, 2011)

wow so glad i found this thread....i kinda feel better. its been a week since he left and hes been nothing but clipped with me....only answering when i have a question...
today he brought our kids back and he was like "did u go out last night?" and all i said was "yeah" he went straight into the bedroom to look for his pants and i'm like its in the dryer, do u need it?
then he walked out and muttered "bye" 

i'll give him his damn space...but i sure hope that he's not using this time to date other people....he told me there isn't anyone else and i believe him..because, he is generally a nice guy....except for the leaving me part...


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