# Opinions please...



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have been making a huge effort to be giving openly in my marriage. Here is something which happened just now and I'd like some opinions and feedback on how I did.

My husband got up this morning with the kids. He's been off work this last week and we have been taking turns at getting up every morning. I have had to get up first Thursday and then Friday with the kids however as he wouldn't do, yesterday I had an appointment at the beauticians first thing so I got up first, got breakfast on the go then woke him to get up.

This morning I asked if he would get up with the kids. With no warning he threw an allmighty tantrum, saying I was selfish, didn't want to spend time with my own children and it was his last chance for a lay in before he goes back to work tomorrow. That he had looked after the kids all morning yesterday whilst I was out, took them out for an hour in the afternoon when I was feeling unwell AND made us dinner. Then stomped off downstairs.

I thought may be I was being selfish. So I got up and told him to go back to bed and I would take care of things. I missed my skating practise but did not mention it because of the mood he was in. He disappeared with not a word and eventually got up at 2 in the afternoon, full of remorse for how he had spoken to me so aggressivly.

Just now I asked if he had made plans for tonight? (He sometimes meets one of the guys at a local bar for a beer on Sundays.) He said he did not know as he wasn't feeling great. I said how about a night in with me snuggled up wayching TV? Then he was all about how he needed to get out, he knows he hasn't been out today but realky needs to get out. 

I (probably wrongly) felt hurt that he hadn't even noticed I'd missed practise for him to lay in and mentioned this (I guess feeling unappreciated.) He said he thought I wasn't going (I should have mentioned it I know.) 

I said how come I skip something for you to be happy yet it is completely unthinkable for you to miss one night out to stay home and spend time with me? He said we can sit and watch TV any night.

Am I wrong or at fault apart from what I mentioned? I haven't been so giving just to get stuff in return but I guess I just want him to notice I was accommodating this time even though he admitted he'd been out of line and just show a little appreciation by way of doing similar for me. But what I feel he is saying here is that what he wants is more important than me.

Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

from this it sounds like he was being a bit selfish himself and childish.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Your not wrong he could have asked you if you was going skating practice himself if he knows thats what you do on a certain day. Its not something to get into a argument over. Plan a day so you can spend some time alone at home with eacj other.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

OK. I just don't want to press it really, I'd love him to spend the evening with me, it has been pretty hectic so far at home with the kids so not actually seen him that much since he got up.

I just feel quite taken for granted. Like good old wifey, she'll let me do what I want and I don't have to think about what she wants. She can wait till tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Set expectations instead of keeping a mental scorecard. That will always go poorly.

The more clearly you, or he, can express what needs to happen, or what you would like to have happen, there will be far less surprises.

If he decides to pitch a fit over doing what he needs to be doing anyway ... that is for him to work out. But you shouldn't let him take it out on you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you sure he is well mentally? Depressed? He sounds rather moody. In addition, it's unusual for someone to sleep until 2 in the afternoon--even if it is his day off.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Arguing about who gets up when just never happened in my home. Both early risers and either one of us would have to be seriously ill, almost dead to lay in till 9 in the morning let alone 2 in the afternoon. There’s so much to get up for!

For me there is something very wrong with a person’s lifestyle when that sort of thing happens, it’s like a competition to see who can lay in the longest. Honestly you sound like a couple of teenagers with children.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

ditch him


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Let me get this straight. You are a stay at home Mom and he works a full time job outside the house. When he gets a week off from work, you make him get up early 1/2 of the time so that you can sleep in. This is very unfair to him.

Back before modern times, a stay at home mom had a lot of back breaking work to do. Today, the fact is staying at home is a lot less work than working a full time job outside the home. Modern equipment has made it so. Since the load is not balanced most of the time when he goes to work, why not give him a break and let him sleep in when you can?

He gives you a good life that lets you go skating, take naps, etc. during the day. These are things that he cannot do if he wants to hold a full time job. Be honest with yourself and with him and admit that during a normal work week he is caring a heavier load than you and let him know that you appreciate it by letting him enjoy his vacation. Let the poor guy sleep in on his vacation and do it with a smile.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I just think he is taking advantage of you being a good mom..along with a good wife.

Next time..YOU lay in bed and tell him you've got a blazing migraine and he can give up his man's night out 

BTW girlfriend..YOU should have a girls night out too..where he can feed the kids, put them to bed..and you can rest at ease and come home at a comfortable 2 am..when the bars close. if he's any kind of a husband, when you walk in that door..he's gonna be damned happy to see you!!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> The time freed up has been filled in other ways. Just because she stays home and isn't living 100 years ago doesn't mean she isn't full on busy in different ways. A SAHM doing a good job is always busy.


 I agree that SAHMs spend more time raising children. I think that this is great for the children. But going to things such as a kid's baseball game, while important, is not actual hard work. As a working dad I enjoyed spending time with my children and going to their games. I wish my work schedule let me go to more of them. I never considered this work. Wow, could you imagine how many more fathers would attend games if their employers gave them the time off to attend.

That is the rub. Busy is not the same as work. Although I agree that modern SAHM's are busy, you cannot compare much of what they do during the day with work that you need to do to keep an outside job that pays the bills. Skating practice, beauticians appointments, going to the gym, shopping, visiting other mothers for play dates, going to kid's games, although they keep you busy, are just not the same thing. To say otherwise is just being dishonest.


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## mankind (Jan 10, 2012)

To the OP,

Honestly, you need to give him s-p-a-c-e!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

wifeofhusband said:


> I certainly never had the opportunity to do things like skating practice, beauticians appointments


Maybe you did not but she does. I got those two items from the OP's post.



wifeofhusband said:


> Playdates were for the children's benefit and going to kids' games, while not demanding, still takes time.


Even though we are now empty nesters, 5 of my wife's closest current friends are people she knew from play group sessions. Although she did it for the children's benefit, she enjoyed the company of these other mother's during play group none the less. Having coffee with a friend as your children play together, going to games, takes time but as you admit is "not demanding". That is the whole point, working for pay outside the home is demanding.

Also, beginning with preschool, a SAHM's free time greatly expands and any claim to parity to someone working outside the home goes out the window.

I value the important role of SAHMs and for the benefit of the children encourage all that can afford it to be SAHMs. My point is that, although valuable to the development of children, the division of labor is not balanced especially once the children start preschool. Time doing "not demanding" things, is not the same as time doing demanding things.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I tend to agree with the original poster. Her husband works a full time job, but just because she doesn't work doesn't mean that she isn't doing twice the work.

If both people worked in the relationship and they called in a maid/nanny they would be paying by the hour for dishes to be done, floors cleaned, laundry done and put away, getting the kids up in the morning for school (and THAT can be a tough one when they don't wanna get up..); getting them ready for school, making lunches, getting them either on the bus or driving them to school, coming home, doing the rest of the housework, maybe taking a nap in there somewhere before you have to start supper, not to mention grocery shop for food for the week..along with making sure that you're home in time for the kids to come home, make sure there are snacks for them to eat when they walk in the door..continue to make supper..throw the rest of the laundry in..fold it when it's dry..put it away..make sure all the beds are made and the house is picked up..etc.

The bill would be enormous!!

And she's doing this on her own...

The evening starts. After supper there's homework to be done which the wife helps with. Then it's some tv time to relax. Soon after that there's bedtime probably between 8-10 depending on the ages of her children.

Might I also add that if the kids are involved in sports, Mom's usually do the driving back and forth...probably picking up several friends along the way because their parents work. She doesn't mind..she loves her kids and would do anything for them.

There are also fundraisers at the school that the parents are expected to be involved in. Bake sales. Birthday parties for their children, birthday gifts to be bought for inlaws and family, and friend (theirs and their kids friends); Christmas presents to be bought, wrapping to be done, decorating the house for Christmas, making and decorating Christmas cookies, making Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas dinners, getting the kids ready for their Chrismas programs and going out to buy them new outfits for them.

This list could go on for 20 pages, so those that are siding on the dad's side that he can sleep in on his vacation days off??

Pbbt..he's a family guy now..not a single man and he needs to man up. If they were both working and his wife had vacation..do you think she'd be sleeping in??

I have my doubts.

I'm not saying that he needs to get up at the crack of dawn with his wife, but a nice effort on his part probably would really make her day.

I'm sure she realizes that her husband works hard to support his family and oftentimes, he IS tired. It's just that a little bit of help on his vacation would probably mean the world to her.


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

KenCasanova said:


> ditch him


Agree :lol:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

None of us on this board know the real division of labor and who normally has the most demanding weekly routine. Only you and your husband would really know. Look into your heart, be honest with yourself, and answer if you or your husband has the most demanding work week. Discuss this with your husband and see if you both are on the same page. If the answer is you, then you have a right to be upset. If the answer is your husband, then you do not.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am not a SAHM. I work part-time and look after the kids the rest of the time.

Beautician's appointment is a relatively new thing. Something I wanted to do and he approves of. Previously I never really bothered due to time constraints and logistics. He can be really annoyed at me wanting to leave him withe kids for an hour to get anything done as he says it's not fair as he doesn't get that time or if it interrupts his weekend laying in. I have no problem with him taking time out which he does every week anyway but says it's different when he goes out because it's in the evenings.

Physically I'd say the outdoor part of his job is more demanding than the work I do at home or my job. His role is split between the office and on site though he works more hours than me. I do the lion's share of childcare and chores and rarely if ever ask him to do anything at night if the kids wake up or are ill. Recently the youngest has been up a lot and I saw to that as well as getting up with them in the morning. I don't begrudge that but I nwver get a break. I rarely if ever get to lay in even though he says we can alternate at weekends so to be honest I felt pretty undervalued that I am expected to be on call 24/7 yet he can lay in all of his vacation time. He would go crazy if I took time off work and told him I was staying in bed one morning. I'm not allowed to have a break it seems.
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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I work full time. When I had my youngest daughter 7.5 years ago, I had the benefit of being able to stay home with her for 18 months before heading back to work (at first for an 80% schedule and within 5 months, full time). I know what it means to stay home and what it means to work, and for me personally, I am a far better parent when I have the ability to do what I can do well outside the home...and that's work. I know for me, that staying home was WAY harder for a lot of reasons. I understand what SAHM's go through (well, most of them...I DO know some who don't do much unfortunately). 

That said, I'm in the unfortunately position of at this moment also doing about 90% of the parenting/housework/household management as my husband hasn't been doing his share for a variety of "reasons" and I admit that it's wearing on me. But...if I had the choice, I know I wouldn't want to give my job to stay home just to keep up with the home stuff.


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