# How do I help husband through difficult period?



## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

*UPDATE 29th July 2019 - This is now resolved, thank you. Update in last post. *

Hi,

I've already written this post but it disappeared into the ether, so I apologise if this appears twice in slightly different formats!

*Background*

My husband has his own business which has been successful for many years. Unfortunately, he's recently hit a rough patch and hasn't had any work for a few months largely due to circumstances beyond his control. I'm as confident that this is just temporary and that change is around the corner. 

Obviously this has been very hard for him. He already has low self esteem and tends to be very hard on himself. 

He's quite depressed at the moment and has been open with me that he is struggling.

*The problem*

Pretty much everyday he comes to me to unload about how he is feeling. Obviously I'm happy to listen and try to support him, but I feel that the conversations have become unproductive and he is walking away feeling frustrated with me. 

Basically he comes to me and tells me a lot of negative things about himself which are either blatantly untrue or greatly exaggerated. For example, he says every decision he has ever made about the business is a disaster (not remotely true) or he'll say he's letting our son down (not true either, our son is happy and well adjusted). 

I tell him that he's wrong, sometimes with examples of why he is wrong. I also encourage him to try to think positively and that his negative thinking isn't helping him. 

He just seems to walk away from these conversations feel frustrated and I sense that maybe sometimes he feels like I'm shutting him down. 

I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. I want him to feel heard and supported by me, but I don't know how to do that without reinforcing the negative things he thinks about himself. 

Does anyone have any idea what I can do?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is his business keeping him busy, just not paying, or does he have a lot of idle time? 

If he as idle time, maybe help him find a way to feel that he is using that time toward future success.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Thank you for replying. 

In theory he has a lot of idle time, but so far he's been mostly using it to work on looking for other work. Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be reducing his anxiety.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

No work for a few months sounds like a small business disaster. I've been through this. It is very difficult. There is no one size fits all solution. I think you are doing the right thing in refusing to accept his self blame. That was the greatest boost for me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Woolyjumpers said:


> ... Basically he comes to me and tells me a lot of negative things about himself which are either blatantly untrue or greatly exaggerated. For example, he says every decision he has ever made about the business is a disaster (not remotely true) or he'll say he's letting our son down (not true either, our son is happy and well adjusted).
> 
> I tell him that he's wrong, sometimes with examples of why he is wrong. I also encourage him to try to think positively and that his negative thinking isn't helping him.
> 
> ...


Yep I do have an idea. He comes to you and tells you how he FEELS...and essentially you tell him that how he feels is invalid. And being invalidated can be very frustrating, because more-or-less it means that how you feel is not true and is wrong too! 

So instead of telling him he's wrong, try a different tactic. Start by telling him back what you heard him say...like this:

Him: "...every decision he has ever made about the business is a disaster"

*You: "It sounds like you feel like your business decisions have made a mess. Is that what you think? Wow I bet that feels yucky. Is that how you feel?" * Then let him answer. Specifically you want to repeat back, then ask if it's what he THINKS or how he FEELS. 

Him: "...I'm letting our son down"

*You: "It sounds like you feel you are disappointing our son somehow. Is that what you think? Does he seems disappointed in some way? Wow I bet you feel sad about that. Do you?" * Then let him answer. Again, the goal is to tell him what you heard him say, and then ask about his thoughts and feelings. Don't judge them for truth or anything, just let him share what in his head or on his heart and then "I want to be sure I understand what you're saying. You're saying that you think you are..." 

At some point he might ask you what you think or how you feel, but really he probably just wants to feel HEARD and understood. So, from time to time say something like "Wow if that's what you think I can sure understand why you'd feel ___" or "If you feel like that, I can see why you'd think you're ___." Put yourself in his shoes. 

If he asks what you think or feel, you can tell him and be sure to say "Well my opinion is that...." because his opinion differs. At some point you might say "Well...that's not my opinion of you at all, but for now I want to hear about you!"

ETA: One last thing you might want to do is something like a respectful request. So if he says "...work is a failure and so am I" and you validate by saying "Wow it sounds like you just said you think you are a failure! Is that what you meant? I bet that feels awful!" and he says "That is what I meant, and it does feel awful"... RIGHT THERE is the chance to be supportive and encouraging. He said his feelings, you heard him and checked to be sure you heard right, and he said "Yep you heard right." 

RIGHT THERE you can ask him what you could do to help or even better offer something. For example, often when people are depressed, hurt, grieving, etc. they don't know what they need, but they do know they need help of some kind. So ASK. "Honey, I surely don't want you to feel awful about yourself. I love you! I tell you what...could I help you contact some potential clients? Maybe we could do a mailer together or I could help you make some cold calls!" (whatever is appropriate to the business...I don't know). The idea is to ask him if you can do X to help...or if you don't know what to do business-wise, ask if you can do something special just for him. For example, if you don't know anything about his business or how he gets his clients, but you do know HIM...ask if you could make him his favorite dinner or ask if the two of you could destress with a movie-night, etc. Get the idea?


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Thank you Mr Nail, I will keep doing that.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> If he asks what you think or feel, you can tell him and be sure to say "Well my opinion is that...." because his opinion differs. At some point you might say "Well...that's not my opinion at all, but for now I want to hear about you!"


Thank you, there are some really useful phrases there.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I like affaircare's advice, but I might tweak it a bit. I would say whether he asks or not, be sure during these conversations to let him know that no matter how low HE might feel about himself, you love him, you are still proud of him, that you admire his hard work and how he is using his time to try to find every way possible to take care of his family, etc.

I was married to a man who went through this a lot because, in HIS case, he couldn't keep a job. That doesn't sound like your husband. I tried to listen empathetically but ALWAYS let him know WE "(the kids and I) were on his team. I never wanted him to leave a conversation JUST venting without some encouragement.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

It sounds like a very common marriage problem that wives have: Wife tells husband 'x' story. Husband tells wife 'x' solution, which usually involves how wife is misreading the situation, or could have done something different then they did. Wife is upset and says 'Why won't he listen to me instead of fixing everything?'.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I was married to a man who went through this a lot because, in HIS case, he couldn't keep a job. That doesn't sound like your husband. I tried to listen empathetically but ALWAYS let him know WE "(the kids and I) were on his team. I never wanted him to leave a conversation JUST venting without some encouragement.


Thank you, I will try to remember to always be encouraging.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Tasorundo said:


> It sounds like a very common marriage problem that wives have: Wife tells husband 'x' story. Husband tells wife 'x' solution, which usually involves how wife is misreading the situation, or could have done something different then they did. Wife is upset and says 'Why won't he listen to me instead of fixing everything?'.


I've seen that video, it did make me laugh.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell him you don't believe that, but even if it was true you would still be right there telling him you love him.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Unfortunately many of us men put our identity in work and our success at it. The pressure to provide/succeed isn’t just internal but societal. You are doing what you can by being supportive even if he doesn’t see it. Stand strong now. I’m seriously Impressed that you don’t look down on him for feeling weak. Hasn’t been my experience. I think what you’re doing is perfect just keep letting him know you’re there


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Tell him you don't believe that, but even if it was true you would still be right there telling him you love him.


Thank you, that's really useful. I hadn't really considered that maybe he might be worried that if it somehow doesn't turn out all right (which I doubt because I'm confident this is just a bad patch), I might not be there anymore - which of course I would be. I suppose I was taking that for granted.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Woolyjumpers said:


> Thank you, I will try to remember to always be encouraging.


I know it can be hard, especially when you are hearing the same "tapes" over and over. I tried to think of one specific, recent thing I could point out every time. Like if that day he had taken the care in for service, I would thank him for taking care of my car to make sure it was safe, and how much I appreciate him thinking of things like that (that is a made up example because ex NEVER did that, but you get the idea). That way it didn't feel like I was doing the same "cheer" for him every time.

Sometimes I would randomly bring up things that had gone well. For example, let's say some type of success in your husband's business meant you could take a vacation. You might just say in conversation, "Today I was thinking about that great trip to X. Your business was going so well, and I know it will again, and we'll take another trip." It's like giving him a concrete example of his success without refuting his feelings when he is down.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Wolf1974 said:


> Unfortunately many of us men put our identity in work and our success at it. The pressure to provide/succeed isn’t just internal but societal. You are doing what you can by being supportive even if he doesn’t see it. Stand strong now. I’m seriously Impressed that you don’t look down on him for feeling weak. Hasn’t been my experience. I think what you’re doing is perfect just keep letting him know you’re there


I hope that it is helping him. I think I'll just have to grit my teeth and keep going.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Make sure he knows you have heard him and that you have validated his feelings, as AffairCare laid out. But also make sure that you let him know that's not how you see him and then tell him how you see him. And example would be: Honey, I hear that you are feeling like a failure and that you don't think you make good business decisions. I'm sorry that you are feeling awful. I see things differently. I believe the business problems are due to factors beyond your control. I've seen you make many great business decisions and have seen you flourish in business. I know you are discouraged, and I understand why, but I know things will get better. I'm so thankful to have you as my husband.

Encourage him often and tell him the things you are proud of him for. Ask him to receive these positive truths from you, because he may have trouble doing that. He may not even realize that he hasn't been receiving the positive things


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I know it can be hard, especially when you are hearing the same "tapes" over and over. I tried to think of one specific, recent thing I could point out every time. Like if that day he had taken the care in for service, I would thank him for taking care of my car to make sure it was safe, and how much I appreciate him thinking of things like that (that is a made up example because ex NEVER did that, but you get the idea). That way it didn't feel like I was doing the same "cheer" for him every time.


That's a really good approach, thank you. I do feel like a broken record at the moment, so I'll try that focusing on different things idea.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

CynthiaDe said:


> Make sure he knows you have heard him and that you have validated his feelings, as AffairCare laid out. But also make sure that you let him know that's not how you see him and then tell him how you see him. And example would be: Honey, I hear that you are feeling like a failure and that you don't think you make good business decisions. I'm sorry that you are feeling awful. I see things differently. I believe the business problems are due to factors beyond your control. I've seen you make many great business decisions and have seen you flourish in business. I know you are discouraged, and I understand why, but I know things will get better. I'm so thankful to have you as my husband.
> 
> Encourage him often and tell him the things you are proud of him for. Ask him to receive these positive truths from you, because he may have trouble doing that. He may not even realize that he hasn't been receiving the positive things


Thank you, I will.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Woolyjumpers said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



His business is a big part of his personality, so when his business is not doing well...he feels it reflects on his worth as a person.

Obviously praise him a lot....let him know you fully support and believe in him.
but you can try some tangible things. Like maybe you can help him get an internet marketing project going, to try to get more business?

You will need to learn about viral marketing, how to get his website near the top of search lists. And if he does NOT have a website, how to set up a simple one and get lots of hits for people searching for his type of business.

It is a lot of work, but not necessarily hard to do...so you can do it for him with a little research


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Respect him, love him. Some of the things affaircare said are spot on. Basically psych 101. As well google johari window, it may help.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I'm not the venting type. My day is always "just fine" when asked. No matter how great or how **** it is. So its hard for me to relate to him. But I can relate to you in your situation. Fixing issues doesn't help. Encouragement doesn't help. Really, the only thing is to just sit there and listen to all of it in silence. At least for my wife. You speak just enough to let them know you are listening. Other than that, you just let them vent it all out. That's why its called "venting." They need to just get it all out, and sometimes any words you say can seem or feel like back pressure. 

I agree with affaircare's approach as such. Its an approach that says "I'm listening" with no attempt to stop the flow with anything really. Even if he says hurtful things about himself that you don't agree with. That part, I'm really familiar with actually. Even if I don't express how my days have been, I often fully express my failures, shortcomings, and things that make me less than an ideal husband, father, friend, man, and overall person. If he's anything like me, just let him get it out and show you are listening with ZERO interruption. Give it a few hours, whenever he's doing something else and his mind is off of his failures. That's when you come in with a big hug and kiss. That's when you tell him how much he means to you and your kid/kids. That's when you tell him how happy you are with him and you wouldn't accept anything less than him for a husband and father of your kids. 

I'm a huge comedy fan. "Timing is the essence of life, and definitely comedy." All you are saying and doing is correct. Its just that your timing is off. So that's my fix. Adjust your timing. You don't have to adjust anything else really to hit all the right notes. Just your timing.

Edit just to say, the only thing about affaircare's approach that wouldn't work for me is the questions. "How does that make you feel?" Well, I just told you how I felt about myself! Were you even listening? This is just me. When I'm venting, I don't need questions. I need you to sit there and listen. Simple things. "Yeah, that's bull**it!" Thrown in here and there. Or even nonverbal signs of listening. Words aren't all that important. Allow the vent to happen. Then work on your timing of reassurance and encouragement. A blowjob at the end of the night helps too


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Affaircare gives great advice, but for myself, personally, if my wife did the mirroring schtick with me I'd feel patronized and like I was talking to a psychiatrist or a stranger, not my wife. I guess that would depend on how you and your husband communicate normally. If it's along those lines then great, if not he will see the change and feel it's disingenuous. That's how I'd feel. 

My work is very erratic, so I've been in your husband's shoes. It can really make you take an inventory of yourself and feel like you come up short sometimes.
The one thing I will say absolutely DO NOT do is vent to any male about his situation. BTDT screw the T-shirt.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Affaircare gives great advice, but for myself, personally, if my wife did the mirroring schtick with me I'd feel patronized and like I was talking to a psychiatrist or a stranger, not my wife. I guess that would depend on how you and your husband communicate normally. If it's along those lines then great, if not he will see the change and feel it's disingenuous. That's how I'd feel.
> 
> My work is very erratic, so I've been in your husband's shoes. It can really make you take an inventory of yourself and feel like you come up short sometimes.
> The one thing I will say absolutely DO NOT do is vent to any male about his situation. BTDT screw the T-shirt.


 I know this is unusual because we hardly ever agree lol, but this is spot on. I don't like it at all when someone tries to mirror me or validate me or some other thing that I can tell right away is a strange psychological tool. It makes me feel patronized.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> His business is a big part of his personality, so when his business is not doing well...he feels it reflects on his worth as a person.
> 
> Obviously praise him a lot....let him know you fully support and believe in him.
> but you can try some tangible things. Like maybe you can help him get an internet marketing project going, to try to get more business?
> ...


Thanks I will keep all this in mind.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Oldtimer said:


> Respect him, love him. Some of the things affaircare said are spot on. Basically psych 101. As well google johari window, it may help.


Will look for that, thank you.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'm not the venting type. My day is always "just fine" when asked. No matter how great or how **** it is. So its hard for me to relate to him. But I can relate to you in your situation. Fixing issues doesn't help. Encouragement doesn't help. Really, the only thing is to just sit there and listen to all of it in silence. At least for my wife. You speak just enough to let them know you are listening. Other than that, you just let them vent it all out. That's why its called "venting." They need to just get it all out, and sometimes any words you say can seem or feel like back pressure.
> 
> I agree with affaircare's approach as such. Its an approach that says "I'm listening" with no attempt to stop the flow with anything really. Even if he says hurtful things about himself that you don't agree with. That part, I'm really familiar with actually. Even if I don't express how my days have been, I often fully express my failures, shortcomings, and things that make me less than an ideal husband, father, friend, man, and overall person. If he's anything like me, just let him get it out and show you are listening with ZERO interruption. Give it a few hours, whenever he's doing something else and his mind is off of his failures. That's when you come in with a big hug and kiss. That's when you tell him how much he means to you and your kid/kids. That's when you tell him how happy you are with him and you wouldn't accept anything less than him for a husband and father of your kids.
> 
> ...


I see what you mean about how I phrase my replies. I have to find a way to avoid platitude sounding type answers.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Affaircare gives great advice, but for myself, personally, if my wife did the mirroring schtick with me I'd feel patronized and like I was talking to a psychiatrist or a stranger, not my wife. I guess that would depend on how you and your husband communicate normally. If it's along those lines then great, if not he will see the change and feel it's disingenuous. That's how I'd feel.
> 
> My work is very erratic, so I've been in your husband's shoes. It can really make you take an inventory of yourself and feel like you come up short sometimes.
> The one thing I will say absolutely DO NOT do is vent to any male about his situation. BTDT screw the T-shirt.


Thanks, I won't talk to anyone else about it.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I know this is unusual because we hardly ever agree lol, but this is spot on. I don't like it at all when someone tries to mirror me or validate me or some other thing that I can tell right away is a strange psychological tool. It makes me feel patronized.


I'll just have to find the right balance between making him feel heard and not patronised.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

He needs something aim at.
Something up and forward.
That will bring meaning into his life.
Yours too.

Because there is no still, you are either moving forward or backward. 

Sounds like you are aiming at him, well ask him "What are you aiming at?"


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> He needs something aim at.
> Something up and forward.
> That will bring meaning into his life.
> Yours too.
> ...


Thank you, I will try to keep this in mind.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

May I ask What facet of business is he in?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Woolyjumpers said:


> Thank you, I will try to keep this in mind.


Have him read this.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

*UPDATE*

I just wanted to drop by and say thank you to everyone who helped me with this situation. 

Luckily, partly because of your advice, things are a lot better now. We just had to power through it. The business is now doing much better so my husband's mood has improved. 

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read my thread, and also to those who replied. Having someone to talk to really helped me when I felt lost.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Affaircare said:


> Yep I do have an idea. He comes to you and tells you how he FEELS...and essentially you tell him that how he feels is invalid. And being invalidated can be very frustrating, because more-or-less it means that how you feel is not true and is wrong too!
> 
> So instead of telling him he's wrong, try a different tactic. Start by telling him back what you heard him say...like this:
> 
> ...


WOW ! Perfect response. People often mean well when they respond to someones unloading of emotions, but don't realize that by trying to "fix" the person or debate their feelings, they are making them feel worse. Usually people just want to be heard and understood, not "fixed"and not told that their emotions are "wrong".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Woolyjumpers said:


> *UPDATE*
> 
> I just wanted to drop by and say thank you to everyone who helped me with this situation.
> 
> ...


Glad to hear that! 

Are there ways he can futureproof his business so that these circumstances don't occur again?

Revamp his marketing plans? Use of social media? Employing Virtual Reality? Is there a business development service available in your area? A Chamber of Commerce he could join for networking opportunities?


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