# 3 years later and showing signs of starting again.



## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Been married to my wife Jessica going on 12 years now. Always had problems but we have worked through them. Just some back story here from 2012. I'm typing this on a tiny phone so I will try to keep it short. 

Any advice is helpful. I know a lot of couples on TAM have stayed together after affairs and I am hoping me and my wife can. I guess you can described our marriage as different. It's not open but sometimes it seems to be open for her. She has a lot of guys chasing her. Now I have females chasing me but I have a habit of putting the brakes on their advances. Why because my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me. I know it's a double standard. 

The only female I really talk to is Samantha and She is gay. We are basically best friends but she lives in Dallas. She knows I like her but I wouldn't even think to cross the line. She is also friends with by wife.
Yes they both like each other but they want to remain friends. It has occurred to me that being friends with her could have been a trigger that started our current problem. 


So here is the back story. I posted this on another thread. 


"My wife had a 5 year affair with someone I knew. Everything you said was exactly how my wife felt. I did everything I could to understand her feeling and needs, but she was never happy. For the longest I tried to get her to go to counseling and when we did she made everything my fault. She has said so many hurtful things I can't even remember all them. 

Just 9 months ago she left me for the other guy after trying to commit suicide 7 days before. I had told her I wanted divorce because she wanted a 3 way relationship, I had no choice in the matter since she was already involved with the guy. She walk out on me and my kids and even had the guy come over to pack her stuff. 

Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD. Anyway she came back after 5 months and she started therapy. The guy she was so in love with and she thought was her soulmate didn't love her they way she loved him. 

She is still not happy at all even though I bend over backwards for her. I try my best to communicate with her and she just says I don't understand, it's always something different. Last night she told me that she was sexual unattractive to me and had not been for 5 years. She has also told me she didn't love me on many occasions and last night she said she loved me but would be Okay not ever having sex with me again. 

Having an affair is what caused her to get to where she is at now. Even though I have done every thing possible to make her happy. I feel like it's All about her and none of my feelings matter. We will be going to marriage counseling soon and she wants me to get a therapist as well. I feel exactly how you feel inside but I still love her, I'm still sexually attracted to her and I want to try but I just don't know. 

She said last night she doesn't love the other guy but she still needed the passionate sex from him because she wasn't getting it from me even though we have great sex. So that's were we are at, in her view we are growing apart. My view is nothing I do will ever be enough. What's so bad is our kids are noticing her being unhappy. I told her she should leave she doesn't want too."




Okay that was a little over 2 years ago. She dropped the guy after she realized it wasn't real. Went to counseling for a year and things got better(I got counseling as well). She was Happy and the depression had gotten better. A lot of our problems were sexual problems but that also seemed to improve. 

She got a job a Wal-Mart and managed to become a CSM. That made things even get better for a while. So I thought things was going to be better from now on.

Everyone knows most pretty girls have guys at their job that want to get with them, flirt with them, and want to have sex with them. It's the same for attractive guys. 

Well several guys became interested in her. She has been working there over a year and has known from the beginning which girls liked her. She also made several female friends so I encouraged her to be more social with them. One of the guys that was in her friends group started liking her which she knew that he liked her. At first she went to lunch together with her friends but as time passed over several months she just started going to lunch with this one guy.

I gave her my trust because our therapist said to build trust up we had to start trusting so I did. I knew he liked her but I trusted her not to encourage anything. I told her many times that she was in control of her own actions.

Over the past 2 months they have been going to lunch together every day that They work together which is every day. His schedule matches hers because he is her manager. I found out December 23 that they have been sexting. Took me a while to confirm it because I she deletes her messages often. I figured it out before but I believe in trusting her. 

Neither one of us want to get a divorce so I know she wants to do better. They have been alone several times on lunch because most of the time they just sit in the car and eat. I don't know much more because I haven't asked. Yeah they probably could have already had sex which we wouldn't surprise me.

I would just like some input and advise really. I know she is on the beginning swing of a depression cycle because I have seen it before. I am really worried she is going to cause herself some more hurt and pain if she keeps this going.

I decided to seek advice after last night. She got sexually aroused and decided to masturbate. I was not the one that caused it but it was her sexting. 

So that's what's going on. I guess I'm handling this better then most. I don't want to push the issue because she has been showing signs of depression. She cried all day on Christmas for No reason. Wouldn't call her Dad or Brother even though I offered to call and do most of the talking.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

txcouple903 said:


> Later on I found out she had clinical depression and she thinks she has BPD.


Welcome back to the TAM forum, Texas. I assume your W believes she has bipolar disorder (BD). The term "BPD" customarily refers to "Borderline Personality Disorder." I mention this distinction because, if your W really does have bipolar disorder, there is a good chance she also has BPD. Specifically, if she has bipolar-1 (i.e., with periods of strong mania in addition to periods of strong depression) the chance of her also having BPD is about a third. If she has bipolar-2, (i.e., strong depression but very mild mania), the chance of also having BPD is about a fourth. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

If you're interested, I describe the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of those BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Texas.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow 5 years ago, 9 months ago, and now ......

Hell she even left you!!!!

What consequences has your wife faced for her choices?

You continue to reward her and this behavior will continue.

Both of you guys use her mental illness as an excuse so she continue to phuck around.

And by the way, your old lady was crying cuz her boyfriend was spending Christmas with his family instead of with her.

Is her *new* affair partner married? 

How can you trust someone who continues to stab you in the back?

I suggest you go get your self tested for STD's and start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue. So start by finding out if this manager is married and exposing this affair.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

No he isn't married and I was tested for STD's at my check up in October. 

I will read those links tonight When I get off work.

There does seem to be pattern. We have been together since 2003 and the first affair started in 2007. It's very hard to know If her actions are based on her mental illness or she just wants sex.

I don't know about crying over her boyfriend but I assume it has to do with breaking contact with her mother and sister. This was the 3rd Christmas she hasn't talked to or seen them which is a very good thing. 

Either way I see what both of y'all are saying. I do believe I have enabled her to continue with her behavior with No consequences. It's really hard because I do believe she is starting to depressed again but having a fling with another guy isn't going to make things worse. 

Then again I could just be her safety net to fall back on.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> It's very hard to know If her actions are based on her mental illness or she just wants sex.


And this would be important why?!

Grow some self esteem and get yourself out of this miserable life. You're not here to save that horrible woman from herself. You're here on Earth to live a good life.

Divorce her. Don't be a martyr. There's absolutely no pay off in the end.



> Then again I could just be her safety net to fall back on.


Facepalm!

Read this: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I think that I Come off as having low self esteem which is far from the truth. Outside of the problems we have I'm a happy person. All my friends that I have and co-workers say I'm the most optimistic person they have ever met.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Well I finally kicked her out 2 weeks ago. Now she wants to get help so she can be a better person. I told her if she told me she didn't love Me one more time I was kicking her out. She didn't last barely over a month.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

txcouple903 said:


> Well I finally kicked her out 2 weeks ago. Now she wants to get help so she can be a better person. I told her if she told me she didn't love Me one more time I was kicking her out. She didn't last barely over a month.


You did the right thing getting off the crazy train now work on you eat healthy and workout.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I am happy too. I still talk to her. She blames me but I really didn't force her to leave. She did that on her own. She says we are separated but I actually didn't say that or imply it. I just said she couldn't stay at our house anymore. She did the rest. So am going to work getting better. I'm not trying to get back with her. Just staying in contact. I did get into therapy and he suggested I tell her I love her daily. Just to remind her that I do. As far as her depression goes she hasn't got help. All I can do is get myself better.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I did get into therapy and he suggested I tell her I love her daily


Your therapist is an idiot. Fire him.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I don't pay him. It's through a community center.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

txcouple903 said:


> I don't pay him. It's through a community center.


You don't tell an abusive woman you love her everyday "just to remind her". That's codependent, doormat behavior and frankly 'dishonest'. You shouldn't love an abuser. Your therapist should be helping you detach from this dysfunction. 

I'd stop going to him as he may encourage you back into dysfunction just to make himself feel better about 'reconciling' yet another couple.

He won't be putting up with your wife's abuse. YOU WILL.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

You are right about that. I knew I joined this forum for a reason. You just don't know how that makes me feel. I love her but I'm not in love with her anymore and I don't have to feel guilty for leaving. I am not responsible for her if she is depressed, suicidal, and abusive to me. It tried everything to get her help and she refused every step of the way.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I've tried everything *


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Situation is worse then I thought. One of the people she is staying with told me that he thinks she needs to be in a mental hospital. He is a mutual friend. I used to work with him but anyway she apparently couldn't stay with the other people she was staying with. 

He thinks that she is manipulative. I told him she is using him to have a place to stay. He already paid for her car insurance. 

She is using him and he isn't going to get anything out of her. It's really sad that she is doing this to another person but that was his choice. I informed him that if your think she isn't going to screw you over then think ago. 

This conversation took place when she brought him and another male friends who is married to our oldest daughters play earlier. She didn't want to really talk to me which didn't borther me. I had my mother and brother with me too. Since she wouldn't talk to me I talked to him. He explained everything she had been saying about me which neither of them believed. He knows she might try to use sex against him. Basically he said he is going to keep me updated on everything. He gave me his number and I think he is trying to help but he might not be able to handle her. 

I told him my only concern is she call her children daily and be there for them. I know It's going to be a problem for her because she isn't trying to get Help. 

We both agreed she is emotionally abusive. He could tell that from working with her. I also told him about her fling with their boss which he didn't know about. It kinda made him mad because she was their bosses favorite. We both agreed she probably ****ed him. Fortunately for me he doesn't believe in sleeping with married or separated women. Who knows he might be trying to get it too. Not my problem anymore but he said he will keep me informed. 

The school already knew the situation and I could tell she didn't make any friends with them. They had a look of disgust on their faces. Each one of their teachers wanted to know what was up. They were not happy about her bringing two strange guys to her children's events. 

I put my kids in school counseling today too. My son's teacher said he has better telling her his mommy doesn't kicked him. I was knew my children thought this because they would tell their granny about it when I was at work. She is our baby sitter. We both work nights. His grades are top notch but his behavior is bad. She told me he acts out in class which I and my mother have been trying to help with at home. Allowed my childrens grades are above average but my son is the only one having problems At school. They have told me things about their mother that really gets me teared up and emotional. I do a good job of now showing them. Been a few times but I know they notice. They are really good and I'm glad they are taking it well. Last time they didn't cope Well.

She also tried talking to my Mother's but that didn't work out since she was already pissed at her. She tried to act all sweet but she looked horrible and strung out. I was embarrassed because they normally see us together and we are both dressed nice. She looked like she was on drugs and she has only been gone two weeks. 

I did talk to her last night and everything seemed Okay. I thought this was going to be a peaceful separation. I Was wrong. 

" Insane people are dangerous. Whats wrong with me is i m finally realizing how insane you really are and i dont want to go along with it any more.

Im getting my stuff. Period. Im going to Savanna's play. Period. If I need a police escort to do these things then so be it."

That is what she said to me. I called the cops first let them know the situation after they came over. Next thing I did was go to the school an let them know. I took them out at 1 pm before she got in town. Had her stuff sitting by the side of the road by 2 pm. I only kept the clothes I bought her that she hadn't wore which I will donate to goodwill. I won't do that till later on though. 

I talked to a divorce lawyer today as Well. She is going to work out our separation and start paper work for child support after I retain her. That is going to be $200. She recommended separation over divorce because a judge can force her in to therapy with Me and for herself. I told her everything and she said that was best because if she can get better and go back to being a going wife/mother then that is the way to go. She doesn't think she is serious about divorce and is just using that as a weapon to control me. As was the calling me dangerous. 

I told her divorce is my goal if she doesn't change. I am now willing to hope this therapy and medicine will help at this point. My children are my top concern. I'm already in therapy so That's a plus for me. 

We have a truck together. It's in her name but I but the money down. I couldn't get it financed in my name because I am a cosigner on my brothers car. At the time we needed another vehicle so it had to be done. The lawyer said That's only of the things she will work on getting. It was bought while we are still married. We are going for a legal separation now him me and her saying it. Well she is because she doesn't plan on getting a lawyer but I do. It's time to get court order help. 

I want to thank everyone who has giving me advice. Any more would be helpful too.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Sorry for the long post. A lot happened today.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Not willing to hope *


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Legal Separation = prolonging your pain and wallet shrinkage.

Divorce is the only short sweet answer to your problems with this unstable woman. She's going to cause lots of grief for you and your kids. The more you stay legally bound to her, the more you have to tolerate her sh1t.

File for divorce now and don't look back. You're not going to save her from herself. She may or may not do that on her own, but that's not your concern.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Texas, Synthetic has given you excellent advice above. Did you have a chance to follow the links I provided in post #2 above and read the posts? If so, do most of the BPD warning signs sound very familiar? I ask because, if you decide your W exhibits strong warning signs for BPD, you likely will find MC to be a total waste of time until she's had several years (at least) of intensive therapy from a psychologist trained in treating it. 

Unlike bipolar disorder, BPD is a thought disorder that cannot be treated by swallowing a pill. Hence, if you decide she is exhibiting most of the BPD red flags, it is important to see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the children are dealing with.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

The way you feel...that helpless to change anything...slow train wreck kind of feeling...frustrated...worried..etc...

It's because you are in the midst of a slow moving train wreck.You can change the whole thing by getting of that train. Sounds like you are...keep going. forget about separation...divorce. just do it. If she straightens out you could always marry her again ()thought I doubt you will; want her after you meet a normal woman). 

The man you spoke to at your kids play. He is not your friend. She is 99.99 sleeping with him...or will be very soon. He will be helping her get info to screw with your head or otherwise manipulate the situation. I have seen this in action...DON"T fall for it. Her bringing to strange males to your children's school is about the largest breech of proper etiquette she could have pulled off short of showing up naked...(I's from TX myself). 

The only reason you have to contact her is if there is a child emergency. Otherwise...ZERO contact. Let the kids see how often she actually calls. 

Take care of you. You have value. You have much to offer a good woman...

Tender is the night
When you hold your baby tight
Tender are the motions, tender is the night

She gave that up. Not you


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I actually started the payment plan today for divorce. I showed him everything I have and he is going to take the case. First thing he is doing is getting her court ordered help. May or may not comply but That's OK. Second he will file a restraining order against Her. Third he will file for temporary child support. Texas Doesn't do legal separation. Divorce is the only way to get her help. 

I do believe she wants to change because she is talking regularly. However I'm already started the process and Martin said if she comes around then I can just marry her again if I wanted. 

He read all our texts since last October and he doesn't believe that divorce is really needed. His partner Dwight also agreed. I have used Dwight before but he hardly Does divorce cases anymore and he agreed to sit in with me. He vouched for both of us and thinks it won't come to divorce but serving her papers is going to help. 

So It has been started.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

My wife seems to have signs of both bipolar and BPD. I would need to get to a computer to explain each one. I'm the only person she trusts and she has told me this many times. I for the most part trust her. She has only cheated on me once and I believe her on that. She said it was the biggest mistake of her life. I have the texts on my computer. Her mood swings start off slowly and build up. Using after I tell her she has done something to hurt me. I learned long ago to let her know how I feel. She doesn't act childish but she can be stubborn extremely bad. 

She doesn't necessary push me away from her. Many times she doesn't want me to stay up late. She will always make me come to bed. Our sex life is good when she is stable. Last time we made love was the same day I kicked her out. However the night before she was saying hateful things so I slept on the couch. 

She has called me Hitler once. That goes along with me being controlling. I'm African American by the way and my wife's Irish/Jewish American. 

That was a big one for me and that was about 3 months ago. That's when I told her to Stop saying you don't love me when you clearly are. 

At this point I'm just going to go through with the divorce. She doesn't want it but I do. She thinks we can't afford it but I will find a way. She wants to stay married but not be married. That just tells me she is trying to secure her way back in.

I think she wants to change but is afraid of it. She also didn't except me to kick her out.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

She said this last Wednesday night. 

" I will go to the community health core tomorrow and maybe i can get back in therapy


I thought things were fixed and we werent going to have to worry about it anymore but i was wrong. Something is broken in me and i dont know what it is"


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

You guys are a big help and it has kept me from loosing it many times. I have read countless post and it has help


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> I'm the only person she trusts and she has told me this many times.


Texas, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the reverse should be true. The closer you get to a BPDer, the greater her fear becomes that you will eventually discover how empty she is on the inside and then will abandon her. This is why BPDers generally have the least trust for the person who loves them the most. 

Granted, because a BPDer is unstable, her behavior will be inconsistent. This means she may be able to trust you deeply while "splitting you white," at which times she will not perceive you to pose an abandonment threat. While "splitting you black," however, that trust will evaporate entirely. Hence, BPDers typically are incapable of trusting their partners for extended periods.

Significantly, this abandonment fear -- i.e., inability to trust for sustained periods -- is one of the key features of BPD. This fear can be manifested in many ways but the most obvious is when it takes the form of irrational jealousy or attempts to isolate you away from friends or family. I mention this because you say "my wife is very jealous of girls talking to me" and that she tried to commit suicide immediately after you had told her you wanted a divorce.



txcouple903 said:


> My wife seems to have signs of both bipolar and BPD.


Texas, if she has strong BPD traits, you've likely seen strong occurrences of most of the following 18 behaviors:

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
7. Low self esteem;
8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating, spending, or sexual activity);
12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she often "rewrites history" because she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
If most of those 18 warning signs sound very familiar, it would be helpful for us to know which are the strongest and most persistent -- and which do not apply at all. I would be glad to join Synthetic and Tom in discussing them with you. If most don't sound familiar, however, please disregard this list. 



> I would need to get to a computer to explain each one.


Then please do get to a computer. The more information you provide the better we will understand what you may be dealing with. But, importantly, none of us is capable of diagnosing your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. 

We nonetheless are able to point you to information that tells you what warning signs to look for. Then you can decide, for yourself, whether the warning signs are sufficiently strong to warrant your spending money and time to see a good clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and the kids likely are dealing with.

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD or bipolar warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I don't think she has either one now. She has been out for 30 days now. 

She said she is happy and healthy. Basically she blamed me for her depression and unhappiness. She says all that went away after I kicked her out. 

I have been seeing a therapist and she doesn't believe anything she says and told me not to either. She was invited 3 times to join us and refused to come. 

She thinks that a burden of being with me has lifted and many other things I don't believe. 

My therapist (a new one I have been seeing for 3 weeks now) said that she would do all of this. 

I stopped talking to her for 9 days and out of no where she wanted to talk yesterday. Exactly like she had predicted she would. 
We talked for an hour and of course I recorded it. She made it seem like she had really wanted marriage counseling to work but I had already went over that in depth with my therapist. She said waiting till the very end to get help wasn't going to help our marriage. A lot of our problems comes from miscommunication and still stim from that. 

She refuses to believe that she had a choice to be unhappy and that I caused her depression. I told her I may have contributed to it through some of the things I said but I never meant anything I did to be that. I was genuinely wanting to help my wife get better and be happy. I told her you may have thought you told me what was wrong but you didn't communicate it to where I understood it. 

Now she wants to have a peaceful divorce and still be friends. Exactly what my therapist said she would do because she wants to keep me around so she can come back later. 

She said she is manipulative and stringing me along. She wants me to help her with money but I told her I'm not.

Every professional I talked to said if she was diagnosed with clinical depression and psychosis that it just doesn't go away because you get a divorce.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I don't see him anymore. I pay for my new one through my job.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Listen to your therapist and achieve a peaceful divorce like your wife says. 

Don't bother wondering about what your wife claims. She's an unstable person. She will change her mind from time to time and will try to involve you in her internal conflicts. Make sure you don't fall for any of it (positive or negative).

One very important thing: *Don't have sex with her*. You will badly regret it later.

Detach, detach, detach. That's all you should be doing these days. Detach and divorce.

You'll be fine.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

I plan on detaching myself from her as much as possible. I am worried that she will want to have sex because she says I'm her poison. 

I said she is my poison because I love her and I don't want her for sex. She didn't really want to tell me how I'm her poison but that is what I believe. 

She wants a civilized relationship but I know where that leads. She wants to pretend that's not what's going on but I know better. 

We will get a divorce soon and I'm happy. However my therapist thinks that she will want to remarry me later down the road based on what she has said and done. She thinks that all this is for us is a break and the only reason we are getting a divorce is because I wanted one. 

It's very complicated but I believe I can make it through this without falling into another trap. 

She hasn't came out an said anything about sex but I have no idea what she will do once she changes her mind. 

I think the least amount of contact is best.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Update. 

Okay I'm getting divorced from my ex wife and I have posted on here about her before. I took my new therapist advice I got back in September. It didn't work. We are still married and she is pregnant. I know 90% I'm not the father because I left at least 40 days before she could have gotten pregnant but she missed her period in that time too. I left May 9th 2015 and her baby was due in May. Now it's March or April. I'm not worried about it being mine but I was concerned about Texas law. My lawyer is working on it but so far I haven't heard anything from him since telling him 3 weeks ago. Also I found out she isn't working so what children support I am getting is coming from her boyfriend. I just found that out a few days ago. One of my biggest concerns is she is saying I'm influencing our children against her. I am walking on egg shells every day. My oldest daughter gets very upset when I ask her to call or text her. She really only talks to them at visitation which is only 4 hours a month split into two Saturdays. I have done everything I can to for them to talk to her but all she does is ignore them. I even bought them their own phone just to call and text their mother. She still claims I'm coaching them. She went do far as to claim I was harassing her by pretending to be our children. I had already talked with my lawyer about this very issue months before and filed. Well my lawyer says nothing has happened yet but I tend to believe her when she makes threats like that. I really want them to have a relationship with her but she just ignores them. It's been like that for 7 months right around the time she got pregnant. She blames me for everything. She was a support manager at a retail store now She is back to being a cashier and she isn't working much. She never really could work when she was pregnant but it always had a good job. Now she isn't working and her boyfriend has to pay all her bills. I don't feel sorry for him at all. My primary concern is that they have a good relationship will their mother. She has a lot of problems. Many of you know she has clinical depression and she hasn't been on medicine since 2013. She claims she is happy at healthy.

I do my best not to talk bad about their mother. I tell them I still love her but we can't be together. They get upset with me the same as they do when she says it. Okay enough of the update. I already posted on another forum with what's going on. Is their a peaceful solution to this? December 6th 2015 should have been our divorce date. As time goes on I think it's less likely to happen since we can't agree on anything. She wants 3 days a week. I want standard visitation, two weekends a month etc. I would let her see them more but that is what I think we should start with. My family and her family agree but I guess they have too because she doesn't talk to any of her family at all. Her own mother is urging for no visitation until she can show better behavior. Although I'm the only one that was happy about her pregnancy they don't think she should have anymore children but it's done can't be undone. 

Here is the post I made a few days ago. Any advice would be helpful. All the advice I have gotten so far has helped. 





My ex wife who I was married to for 12 years is probably. I just found out two Saturday's ago ( she told mykids at visitation). We have three children 11, 9, and 6. I was happy she was pregnant and I called to tell her. She yelled at me and said it's none of my business. That didn't bother me since she has been hostile since we broke up. I have never had a problem with her boyfriend even though she got with him two weeks after we separated. We are still married and going through a rough divorce. I have temporarily full custody and she has supervised visitation. So she got pregnant after 3 months of being with this guy and I just found out 6 months later.

Unfortunately my kids have been caught in the middle. My children and I have asked her many times to just call or text them. Instead she ignores their texts claiming it's me. Even though my oldest is very smart she doesn't believe she is capable of texting. So I asked my lawyer to send a formal letter to her lawyer to ask can she please call her children. That was in November and she hasn't called not even on Thanksgiving or Christmas. My children think she is replacing them and they also think she is replacing me. They understand why I left her they just don't understand why she pushed me to that point. They have been through her leaving twice before and they are really upset about it. This has been the longest she has been gone. Back in December she told them she wasn't ready to be a mother and 2 weeks ago she tells them she's pregnant. My oldest keeps saying how can she be ready now when she just told us she wasn't ready to be a mother. It hurts them really bad and they are upset with me for being happy about it. They feel their new brother is going to get more love then them. It's tough to deal with but I don't have a choice. I have them in therapy separately and we go as a family twice a month. They have heard her say all kinds of bad things about me and it makes them not want to go to visit her.

She does nothing for them because they are with me before the court order I did everything i could to get her to see them on her off days but she always had her boyfriend there. She doesn't call them or text them at all. At the time I didn't think she should be pushing someone she hardly knows on our kids and especially if he hasn't seen his two children in 6 years. I didn't think he was a good father but I don't know him. Seems like a nice guy to me. We have not gotten into any problems or talked to each other in over 9 months. My problem is not with him but her. This isn't the first time she has had an affair but this is the first time I have left her on my own. I figured she would get pregnant sooner or later even though she claimed she couldn't have children. She even wants me out of our children's lives for good. She has a lot of anger and hate towards me and I believe she withholds love from our children because they are with me. I tell them constantly their mother love's them but no matter what I say they want to see it in her actions. Although she will tell me she doesn't love me but the few times my children were their with her and her boyfriend they overhead her tell him she still loved me. She just needed to get me back for making her hurt so bad. I understand that but I left because she was hurting me. She started dating her boyfriend 9 days after she left (I kicked her out, I know it was wrong but she was cheating). Claims she just met him but I didn't bother arguing that with her. Now she's pregnant and still angry as the day she left. I have tried being the nice guy and I have been willing to let her see her children any time she wants but after 4 attempts at finalizing our divorce it keeps postponed.

My kids tell me he wants to talk to me and he has called once. I don't feel the need to talk to him because it's not my business. I may still love her but I don't have to be with her to love her. That ship has sailed but my kids keep pushing for me not to give up.

I would like for my children to have a better relationship with their mother but she won't unless she has them. Everything points to "As long as you have them I won't talk to them or call them. " I don't even know how to handle this. Other then visitation they have basically 4 hours a month with her and so far every visit hurts them more and more. They way she acts and everything. My oldest daughter even said while they were playing scrabble she gave her only letters that were in her boyfriends name. The other letters she put back because she said oops I saw that one. Everyone including her mother and father all side with me. They both call me regularly but she hasn't called them in over a year.

I guess I'm just wanting to know is their a peaceful solution. I really want them to know their brother but I don't think she is going to allow that unless she gets full custody. I can't do the because if I do then I get no visitation. She has denied everything I have asked for. Joint custody isn't a option because any control she gets she will abuse. My own lawyer said she was controlling and manipulative.

I also hoping for full custody and I will give her visitation whenever she wants. I am going to leave child support ruling up to the courts. I just don't think she will agree to anything I ask. My children have a father and they don't need a new one. I am okay with them having a step dad because eventually they will have a step mom but I don't think she is right trying to push me out. They have been with me since she left and I have taken good care of them. I have always been like that. I think I spoil them too much but they are happy. Their only problem is they want their mother to come home. They believe in that deeply even though I tell them not to get their hopes up. Even after all she has done they still believe she loves me. I can't say I understand why they believe that or if she is coming home.

I can't give them that but I can give them all the love I can.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Your STBX is unstable, she's not a good mom and there isn't a damn thing that you can do about that. 

I wouldn't poison your kids against her, but rest assured, they will figure it out eventually and it will leave scars.

Your goal should be to protect your kids and protect yourself as best you can and if that means minimizing all contact with her then do it. It also means you get the best deal for you and for your kids in the D; money wise and visitation wise. 

You fight for them and do whatever you have to do to achieve that goal.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Don't be like my mother.

She tried for years to make me have a "normal" relationship with my narcissistic assh0le of a father. There isn't a day that goes by without me resenting my mother. I'm 34 now and this is still wreaking havoc on me.

Cut as many ties as possible with that b1tch and let your children live the way they want to. You're not here to fix their relationship with that horrible woman.


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## txcouple903 (Sep 29, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice. I will do my best to cut her our of our lives. I'm waiting in the parking lot right now while they are at supervised visitation. Today she said she wasn't going to be here but I always show up just in case. She does everything she can to trick me into missing visitation. I got an email from the director over a month ago telling me not to come to visitation until March 6th. That is a Sunday and visitation is always on Saturdays. Luckily I didn't believe her and I have been showing up every time. She is already accusing me of keeping them from her almost a year and she is accusing me of screwing her over every chance I get. I expect that from her and my lawyer knows that isn't the situation. I give him weekly updates and sometimes daily updates. He has all my texts with her going back to 2014. He knows how she is and I'm sure her lawyer has told her we need to settle this. I realize she is going to do everything and anything to get her way. 

It's going to be a long road but I'm not giving up on my children. 

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