# Self damnation? Do I like the bad boys!?



## raising5boyz

So....I have been married and divorced twice. My first ex...definitely the bad boy type....my second, I really didn't think he was...but maybe, he really screwed me and my life up bad (massive financial issue, and extensive cheating). 

Since my second divorce, I have dated a fair amount, and I have had two official "boyfriends". It seems as though what I say I want is not actually what I really want. I say I want the nice guy who is going to bend over backwards for me....the guy who is loving and kind and considerate. But the men I am attracted to are the ones who are non-commital, want some action without the attachment, expect a lot from me and give a little. What is wrong with me!? Am I so used to being treated bad that that is what I am looking for? Do I like to be controlled? Maybe I don't see a future with these guys so they are 'safe'? 

I am so confused by my own self. Help anyone? Advice? 

Thank you


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## PBear

Have you looked at counseling to try to figure your confusion? Sometimes having someone you can bounce ideas off of, and who can ask the right questions can be a huge help.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grizabella

Nice guys can seem a bit boring to someone who has a taste for the "bad". The hint of danger can be a rush and you can get addicted to it. You might want to take a break from "boys" for a while until you figure out what you really want. BTW, taming a bad boy is a great fantasy, just like in the bodice ripper romance novels but I think you have learned it doesn't translate into real life.


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## raising5boyz

Thank you for the reminder about counsling.....I have free counsling availale to me through my college so I need to get my tush in there!

A friend mentioned that maybe it was the taming of the bad boy thing....I guess that is a idea to explore. I have wondered if I am just used to it and thus it somehow feels more comfortable to me. 

I have also looked back at the men in my life and have found that the mellow nice guys also seem to lack motivation and have little going on in there lives....coincidence? I don't know....maybe. 

I think I like the idea of just taking a break from men in general....but find that difficult to do....

Thanks for the comments/advice.


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## Jellybeans

Stay single for awhile then when you are ready to jump back in the game, date a guy you wouldn't normally go for (read: NOT a bad boy). Might surprise you.


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## raising5boyz

Jellybeans- I tried to search for "NOT a bad boy" but couldn't find it. Can you send me a link or something? I would like to read it.


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## Jellybeans

raising5boyz said:


> Jellybeans- I tried to search for "NOT a bad boy" but couldn't find it. Can you send me a link or something? I would like to read it.


It's not a link or thread. I just meant that if you normally go for "bad boys"--try dating someone new in the future, someone who is not a "bad boy" or your normal type. See where it leads you.


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## raising5boyz

ha ha....oops for reading that wrong. I am willing to date men that are not my type...but I think at times they self eliminate due to feeling inferior or something like that...


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## Jellybeans

Stop feeling inferior. Why do you feel that way? You deserve the best, not to settle. Don't forget it!


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## Shooboomafoo

I am wondering if its logical to actually label anyone of particular, a "bad boy" or the opposite of one. I dont believe men are "one or the other", and its not a very enlightened viewpoint to have if searching for someone serious. Being attracted to that facade, is one thing, but what do you really end up with? 

It seems contrary to the realistic nature of one man from another.
Is the attitude a facade looking to draw attention? Is he really a bad boy, having done time in federal prison, or an accountant with tattoos that enjoys his Harley and can shoot well.
Is he a man that acknowledges the importance of his role and support of a family, works his behind off to at least help in the provision for them, and is a positive influence on the children?
I think there is no such thing as a bad boy, nor is there the opposite.
These generalizations, or groupings going by looks or whats presented as who they are seems unhealthy to me.


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## MEM2020

R5B,
This is truly a difficult challenge for a woman. There are very few "well behaved" bad boys. 

Conrad, BBW, Athol K, Deejo. 

Mostly there are bad boys who make crappy partners. And nice guys who are stable partners/good co-parents but a total turn off. 




raising5boyz said:


> So....I have been married and divorced twice. My first ex...definitely the bad boy type....my second, I really didn't think he was...but maybe, he really screwed me and my life up bad (massive financial issue, and extensive cheating).
> 
> Since my second divorce, I have dated a fair amount, and I have had two official "boyfriends". It seems as though what I say I want is not actually what I really want. I say I want the nice guy who is going to bend over backwards for me....the guy who is loving and kind and considerate. But the men I am attracted to are the ones who are non-commital, want some action without the attachment, expect a lot from me and give a little. What is wrong with me!? Am I so used to being treated bad that that is what I am looking for? Do I like to be controlled? Maybe I don't see a future with these guys so they are 'safe'?
> 
> I am so confused by my own self. Help anyone? Advice?
> 
> Thank you


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## raising5boyz

Shooboomafoo- It has little or nothing to do with the looks of a man. It is the attitude/personality I am speaking of. There is not a certain appearance I am particularly drawn to.

I know it is an unhealthy view/desire/attraction. Thus the reason I am here posting. I seem to be drawn to the men who are somewhat chauvanistic. The ones who get jealouse easily and are on the controlling side. Men who are a little more sexually agressive. Men who want their women to cook and clean and be at there beck and call. I tend to be cater to there demands. I have a few thoughts as to why I am the way I am....1) My mom is very subservient. 2)My dad is very controlling borderline abusive while I was growing up. 3) It make me feel good to be needed and for me to fulfill those needs. 4) I am used to it so therefore it feels comfortable to be in some odd self punnishing way? 5) Maybe I don't feel I deserve to be treated good by a man.

So there are some of my thoughts....I know they are messed up.....


MEM11363- I have to agree that the "good" ones are usually a turn off for a number of reasons. Maybe I just haven't found a good one that I am truly physically attracted to? Idk....so confusing.


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## Jellybeans

Get into therapy to find out why you are attracted to that type of man. And not one who treats you as an equal and well.

Your parents' relationship may have something to do with it.


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## Blanca

My older sister is also attracted to bad boys, which is so strange because she's constantly crying that all she wants is the nice white picket fence, soccer games with the kids, etc. She wants a little utopia but she ends up with dead beats. 

Her issue is obvious to me since I grew up with her. She has an unresolved daddy issue from her childhood. She wants the kind of unconditional love one should get from a parent and confuses that with love in peer relationships. In addition, she also has a lot of issues and she knows that if she picks a screwed up guy he wont require her to change, and she wont feel obligated to change. She makes excuses for these bad guys because she needs to be able to make a lot of excuses for herself. In addition to that, loneliness is her biggest fear because it is akin to abandonment and bad guys are easy to get. Bad guys dont take commitment seriously so if you want them, you can have them. They're like pennies in a wishing well.


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## raising5boyz

Wow Blanca....thank you. That was very insightfl and some of that could ring very true for me as well. I'm not sure if I really have any major issues, but I feel like I percieve that I am not good enough for any good man or at the very least that I don't deserve a good man. 

I had many issues with my father growing up....

Lots to think about....thank you.


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## DanF

Wow.
All of you need to take a look at Married Man Sex Life. I never thought that the Good Guy (Beta) - Bad Boy (Alpha) was that big of a question.
It's really simple. bad Boys are fun and they attract females looking for a good time. Good boys are boring and there's not much chance of finding one at the local single's meat market.


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## raising5boyz

DanF- Where can I find 'Married Man Sex Life'? 

I think the good boys are hard to find. They don't make themselves available like bad boys do. Where can I find these good boys?

I don't look at the loca single's meat market...it's not my thing. But I have done the online thing to meet new people. 

Are the good boys all shy so perhaps I see them as not being interested? Of perhaps I am not the right type to attract the good boys? So confused! lol


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## DanF

Married Man Sex Life
Athol Kay's blog. His advice to men and women has been spot on, in my book.


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## Blanca

DanF said:


> Wow.
> All of you need to take a look at Married Man Sex Life. I never thought that the Good Guy (Beta) - Bad Boy (Alpha) was that big of a question.
> It's really simple. bad Boys are fun and they attract females looking for a good time. Good boys are boring and there's not much chance of finding one at the local single's meat market.


I would disagree that bad boys are fun, but I guess that depends on one's definition of fun. I picked a good guy because growing up watching my sister date bad boys I got a front row seat to just how 'fun' these guys are.


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## raising5boyz

Blanca...apparently I haven't learned yet....even from my own mistakes let alone anyone else's. 

So, it occurred to me today that I adapt to the man I am with. Sounds like it should be a good thing right? I'm thinking it's not at all. If he is a good guy I tend to dominate over him and take advantage of his kindness, not purposely, and not even consciously....if he is a bad boy I kind of bow down and "take my place" as he depicts it. What the hell is wrong with me!? 

Alone time....time without men to figure myself out. That is what I need I think. I need to figure out who I am and then start finding the man who compliment me, and a man I will compliment as well. How can I find someone I want if I don't know who I am or what I want!?

I wonder if being a single mom of five, and the trials of that task put me feeling kinda desperate and feeling like any man in my life is better than none?


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## Shooboomafoo

Hey, Im single!


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## raising5boyz

Ha ha....what part did you like!? That I will cater to a bad boy and do anything for him!?


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## Jellybeans

raising5boyz said:


> How can I find someone I want if I don't know who I am or what I want!?


Find out who you are FIRST. Before you even entertain dating someone else.



raising5boyz said:


> I wonder if being a single mom of five, and the trials of that task put me feeling kinda desperate and feeling like any man in my life is better than none?


You rfocus should be your children right now. Bringing "bad boys" into their lives is very unhealthy.


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## Runs like Dog

I know how Wuthering Heights ends though - in madness and regret.


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## Shooboomafoo

Runs like Dog said:


> I know how Wuthering Heights ends though - in madness and regret.


... and Westside Story!:smthumbup:


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## raising5boyz

Hmmmm....guess I have some movies to watch! :\


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