# Baby : Timing in new marriage when 35 or older



## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

Hello,

I'm new here, but this group seems to be supportive and informative, so thought I'd get some opinions.

I know, it is generally not advisable to conceive within the 1st year of marriage, but does this stands when you are racing against your biological clock?

I'm about to turn 35 and desperately want to have a child. My wedding is in 7 months and my fiancé and I want to prioritise having a child.

I'm worried that if we conceive too early, this might negatively impact our marriage, especially when there are other circumstances at play:

1. I'm new to his country and have no friends/family local (his family loves me).

2. We were long distance for the duration of our relationship (2yrs) so I want us to spend some time just being a normal couple.

2. We're doing major renovations that will take a few years to complete. 

I must add that the women (over 30) in my family usually experience hypertension during pregnancy and one of my sisters died during childbirth at age 36 (she was overweight and a smoker).This makes me extremely scared.

I have always led a healthy lifestyle and have no major health issues. I'm currently trying to lose 15 pounds to be at my ideal weight and I'm sorting out a dental issue so that I'm in the best of health for pregnancy.

Should we wait a year after marriage to try to conceive or should we try as soon as possible since I'm 35? 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts/opinions?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time have you actually spent with your fiancé in person?

Because your relationship has been long distance, I would advise you spending 1 to 2 years before having a baby as you two do not really know each other. It's hard enough for a couple who have lived in the same vicinity to make a go of it.


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## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How much time have you actually spent with your fiancé in person?
> 
> Because your relationship has been long distance, I would advise you spending 1 to 2 years before having a baby as you two do not really know each other. It's hard enough for a couple who have lived in the same vicinity to make a go of it.


We had frequent trips to see each other. I am teacher, so whenever I had break from work, I spent it with him.

We are very much alike, so we have adjusted well, but I know we still have adjustments to make as a couple.

For me, it's really about just doing things together like trips, renovating and just being together physically since so much of that was sacrificed due to the distance. We are both divorcees and have lived independent and interesting lives. I want us to create new memories together.

I'm just so worried that we will wait too long then have problems conceiving. I know I'd be devastated if that happens. He is 50 and has 2 adult children from previous marriage. He doesn't want to wait too long neither because of his age.

NB. We're financially stable, so money is not an issue in regards to the expense of a wedding, renovations and having a child in short order.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

symosa said:


> We had frequent trips to see each other. I am teacher, so whenever I had break from work, I spent it with him.
> 
> We are very much alike, so we have adjusted well, but I know we still have adjustments to make as a couple.
> 
> For me, it's really about just doing things together like trips, renovating and just being together physically since so much of that was sacrificed due to the distance. We are both divorcees and have lived independent and interesting lives. I want us to create new memories together.



Who is moving? Is he moving to where you are? Or you to him?

What is the longest block of time you have spent with him?
About how many days a year have you spent with him?

I would have said the same sort of thing (minus the baby stuff) when I married a guy I had a long distance relationship with. I and would have been very very wrong.



symosa said:


> I'm just so worried that we will wait too long then have problems conceiving. I know I'd be devastated if that happens. He is 50 and has 2 adult children from previous marriage. He doesn't want to wait too long neither because of his age.


It seems that having a baby is the major focus of this marriage. There is nothing wrong with that. I do think that the two of you need time together without a baby first.


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## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

We see each other about 5 months in total out of each year between visits to him and visits to me. The longest block would be 2 months, the shortest would be one week. 

I am in the process of moving to him. Having a baby is not the sole focus of our impending marriage, but I made it clear from the outset that it was important that I have at least one child. 

My ex-husband was hesitant about having kids and that's the main reason we split; well that and his financial irresponsibility. I refuse to have kids with someone who doesn't want them. My fiancé is excited about the prospect of having more children and his children have accepted that idea.

I do agree that ideally we should spend some time alone...just wondering if that's the right thing considering our ages.

BTW, I appreciate your input .


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Male input here...

Give him one year of trying to impregnate you and, if everything's still good, let him.


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## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> Male input here...
> 
> Give him one year of trying to impregnate you and, if everything's still good, let him.


Thanks for your input. Can you please clarify .


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Clarify...

Sure. 

Be newlyweds. Have the fun that newlyweds have while maintaining birth control. When you're ready, stop the BC. 

This is an important time to strengthen physical and emotional connections. Don't cut this period short.


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## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> Clarify...
> 
> Sure.
> 
> ...


Ah thanks...I thought that's what you meant but just wanted to be clear.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Symosa
This is a really difficult situation. In a good relationship, a baby can be a wonderful thing. In a bad relationship, a baby can doom you to a life of misery. 

I think it is better to not have a child that you want, than to end up with a child / relationship that you don't want. I would suggest waiting at least a year to see what your life is like together, and to decide if you really want to spend the rest of your lives together raising a child.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Congratulations on your marriage. You may want to establish a strong relationship before you bring a baby into your life. A baby is really hard on a marriage. Plus if you are new to your area you need a strong support system to bring a baby into. You will need lots of support and so will your new child. While women do run out of time, I think 35 is still not that old. I concieved at 41 and have a 10 month old. It did take a while and we had a failed IVF. But when I gave up trying that is when we became pregnant. My husband and I were together for several years before we started trying to concieve. You could freeze your eggs and if you have any problems you could do IVF. That's just my two cents.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

*I refuse to have kids with someone who doesn't want them. *

That's smart.


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## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

Thank you all for the advice.

I will take heed and wait at least a year before we start trying.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

symosa said:


> Thank you all for the advice.
> 
> I will take heed and wait at least a year before we start trying.


That's a good idea. 

My husband and I got pregnant soon after marriage and it was really tough. We dated for 3 years before marriage and it wasn't long distance, so we had a lot of in person time together(different from your situation). A baby adds a lot of stress to a relationship. The saying that "a baby changes everything" is so true. The sleep deprivation, the crying, the tantrums, and so on. It can be tough on a marriage and really caused some issues in our marriage.


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Having a baby is a blessing.

You are going to be newly married and living with someone full time. Take the first year to sort out any of the stresses of this. Stress is not good for pregnancy so allow yourself at least one year to sort out things which are going to pop up.

My friend had her first baby at 37, her second at 39 and her third at 41. All are healthy and beautiful.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> That's a good idea.
> 
> My husband and I got pregnant soon after marriage and it was really tough. We dated for 3 years before marriage and it wasn't long distance, so we had a lot of in person time together(different from your situation). A baby adds a lot of stress to a relationship. The saying that "a baby changes everything" is so true. The sleep deprivation, the crying, the tantrums, and so on. It can be tough on a marriage and really caused some issues in our marriage.


I hear you. Our marriage is starting to recover after baby. He is awesome and we are totally in love with him but it's been hard for us as a couple. Actually, I feel bad, but this website helped me to realize that we have a pretty good marriage. It is not perfect and never will be but we are both really supportive of each other and both committed to working through things. I think there were things that we had let go that became an issue when we had our son because we are so tired and it is such a huge change in our lives.


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

I'm glad you're deciding to wait. I think it's important to settle into the marriage first before adding pregnancy/baby into the mix. I think it's better for the baby-to-be as well.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Wait. Wait to see him in action as a father.
As they say "Fools Rush In".
You have a good 5 years of biology to make your baby.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We had our second at 38 (wife) and 37 (me). With zero support. In terms of health concerns if you have good insurance and competent medical care the risks are minimized. If you're in good physical shape the odds are good. So from a physiological standpoint things are manageable.

From an emotional/parental/OMG is this what all babies do point of view it's easier. At 37-38 you're way too experienced to freak out if baby gets an ear infection etc. From a relationship point of view it's a bit different, he's had kids before so he knows the ropes, but not you.

From a physical point, if you're in good shape it's not an issue. We spent a decade each in college and lack of sleep was never an issue. 

There are issues down the road when your kids are older and you're older. But again dealing with teenagers at 50 you have more wisdom. If you're 40... maybe not as much. 

I would wait a year and have a good physical or two to see if there's any issues ahead (your side or his). A good ObGyn should know what to look for if you tell them Also waiting would allow you to find a good ObGyn and develop a good relationship. That helps.


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## symosa (Jan 18, 2015)

john117 said:


> We had our second at 38 (wife) and 37 (me). With zero support. In terms of health concerns if you have good insurance and competent medical care the risks are minimized. If you're in good physical shape the odds are good. So from a physiological standpoint things are manageable.
> 
> From an emotional/parental/OMG is this what all babies do point of view it's easier. At 37-38 you're way too experienced to freak out if baby gets an ear infection etc. From a relationship point of view it's a bit different, he's had kids before so he knows the ropes, but not you.
> 
> ...


You make some valid points here. We're not really concerned about being older parents (from an emotional/physical perspective) as he's very active, fit and in great health and I'm the product of older parents which wasn't a problem.

Yup, he's not bothered about sleepless nights. His only hope is that we have girls as boys he thinks are harder to deal with lol.

My main concern is my health, due to family history. I will take your suggestion to see a good obgyn and get a full check up and yes, will wait a year.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I had my first child at 37 and my second at 41, both healthy babies. I will admit that the second pregnancy was harder on me, but I was never bed-ridden or anything.

Could I suggest that at least six months before you think you want to conceive go see the OB-GYN. Tell them your concerns and get fully checked out, they might have you record your basal body temp to check your cycle. Just one more little thing to make sure everything is in working order. That six month period also gives you and the hubby time to discuss how a baby will impact your home and your respective schedules.

Happy wedding!


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

In the beginning there are lots of plans. They are exciting. Sometimes plans change. If this is the first time you are living together let it just be the two of you for a bit. Learn about his quirks and let him know yours. Mutual respect and emotional bonding is important, but also allow both of you to have your own time, especially if you plan on having a baby right off. Now that you are living with him what are his household priorities. You will both be working parents. Who will be responsible for certain daily activities? These are things that should be straightened out in the waiting period. Routine is important.


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