# what is remorse



## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i have been on here reading alot lately, post about R and WS. i see alot questions ask does your WS show remorse for the A. As a BS what should i expect remorse to be. 

i know with my own story my WW at first she had remorse because she got caught and i kicked her out of the house. then when i confronted the OM and forced him to show his true colors. my ww then showed remorse because the OM was such a scum bag. years later she would tell me she could not believe how stupid she acted and she was ashamed of her actions. i know we have a friend that works at the local health department, the friend tells us about all the std's that come in to that place. after the health department horror stories my wife told me she was sorry about what she had done because she could have put us a risk of a std.now as the kid get older and we are getting involved in sports and other activities, she tells me it makes her sick to know she would have given all this up to be with another person.

what does remorse look like a WS can lie and tell you 1 million times i am sorry for what they have done. when should a BS be able to say yes my WS is 100% remorseful for what they have done.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there's a nice chart in the newbie link in my signature


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i have read that and according to your list my wife is very remorseful. but would a non remorseful person choose not to participate in those action or pick n choose which one they would participate in or can they just flat out lie about all of it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Regret and remorse are not the same thing.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Regret and remorse are not the same thing.


thats what i wanted to here


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Read *The difference between guilt and remorse*

Sorry for getting off track but has your wife sought IC for having been raped by her step-father?


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

how can we distinguish the difference between regret and remorse. also is regret also a good feeling for the WS to have.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> i have read that and according to your list my wife is very remorseful. but would a non remorseful person choose not to participate in those action or pick n choose which one they would participate in or can they just flat out lie about all of it.


Your WW only stopped her affair because OM was a fake and you exposed the affair. Just because she didn't continue the affair doesn't indicate remorse. She should be compassionate toward your feelings, not threatening to leave just because you shot a fake head with a rifle. That's not any different from throwing darts at a picture of OM.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

morituri said:


> Read *The difference between guilt and remorse*
> 
> Sorry for getting off track but has your wife sought IC for having been raped by her step-father?


yes she has and it is painful for her.i actualy would rather go threw the affair than watch her go threw this pain. i learned she had been raped from the age of 5 to 17.i have a personal friend that is a IC only one around our area. i told him about her problems and he coached me into get her to talk to him. i some times forget about him being a IC because he is a close friend. i am able to talk to him about problems alot. we live in such a small town, we no everybody. but lets keep this on topic you can pm if you want.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i think i gave you guys have the wrong perspective on that. the reason she ask me to leave was i had a gun out around the house which i know she does not like. it was not like she had not ever talked to me about my triggers and what she could do to stop them. i would have to say if she got out a gun and was talking about crazy stuff i would ask her to leave also.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

cheese puff said:


> i think i gave you guys have the wrong perspective on that. the reason she ask me to leave was i had a gun out around the house which i know she does not like. it was not like she had not ever talked to me about my triggers and what she could do to stop them. i would have to say if she got out a gun and was talking about crazy stuff i would ask her to leave also.


Then yes, you depicted it wrong then. If your wife is showing true remorse and you're having problems with your anger, then I suggest you see a doctor and an IC. See if you can be prescribed meds to help stabilize your emotions.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i think if i had been throwing darts she would have said if it makes you feel better have at it. but i had out a 30-6


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

SPRelationshipCounselling said:


> 1. Self forgiveness is important. The difference between guilt and remorse is that feeling guilty means you are busy defending yourself and focusing on yourself , whereas when you are remorseful you open your heart to feeling the pain of your partner and you regret how what you have done as impacted them. There is a place of dignity in accepting your wrongdoing and really being there for your partner to heal


This is one of the best definitions of remorse I've read.


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## cheese puff (Jul 24, 2011)

i like that also


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Cheese Puff, if you are brandishing a .3006 to deal with your issues, then the problem is not with your spouse. Get on some meds, get some counseling, something. You sound like a disaster waiting to happen.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> She should be compassionate toward your feelings, not threatening to leave just because you shot a fake head with a rifle. That's not any different from throwing darts at a picture of OM.


I agree with LM,

And BTW, I like the idea of blowing off a fake head with a picture of the Om on it. I am thinking of doing the same with pix of OW on it. I may even fill the doll head with some Catsup to add some Hollywood special effects.

It's sounds kinda' therapeutic to me. It doesn't sound a tad bit crazy at all. It sounds like a healthy way to burn off some anger.

I have no desire though to confront the OW. It's not important to me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Cheese puff. I said it before. I think your wife is doing OK. Take it from a guy who went off on the anger path. Get help for yourself. You are scaring her and you will drive her away and this will be on you.


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