# Never Saw It Coming



## Hit From Behind (Apr 23, 2012)

Hi everyone,

It has been a month since my wife and I have separated after a two year marriage and a six year relationship. We also have a two year old son together.

From my view, our relationship has completely changed in the last year. Prior to that, there were never any relationship issues as we got along great, never argued, never disagreed on anything, and we were a truly happy couple. Just over a year ago, I found chat logs and private messages that were sent through e-mail and social networking sites between my wife and the OM. The OM is actually a friend of mine, and the OM and his GF have a mutual friendship with us. The messages that were sent were of a sexual nature, and appear to have been joking around that got out of hand and turned into in depth, emotional cheating. Most of the messages contained things like what they wanted to do to each other, or wanting to arrange the two couples to get together so they could see each other. 

When I confronted my wife about these messages, she first flatly denied anything. I could clearly tell that she was lying to me, but she had realized she was caught, and it she was trying to buy time to figure out her next actions. I sent her an e-mail with one of the chat logs, which then completely changed her tone from denial to guilt. She told me she could not explain why she did, besides the fact that it was joking around that got out of hand. She told me it was just an EA, but with how in depth the messages were, and how frequently the couples met, it could have been a PA. 

I gave my wife a second chance in the relationship, as I felt that maybe she was going through a rough time, this a year after our son was born. I tried to find out exactly what caused her to do this, and offered any help to try to get through it. Since this occurred, we still maintain a friendship with the other couple, and tried to move on from the past. It is an awkward situation to say the very least. She also still sends text messages to the OM, and a new tendency of hers would be to delete the messages every night before going to bed. She must have known that I was going through her text messages on her phone since I still suspected something was going on. 

In the last three months, our marriage hit the rocks and she began emotionally and physically distancing herself from me. Then a month ago, she said that she and my son would be living with her parents (separation). I have offered to have both of us go through marriage counselling, whether it be individually or as a couple and she has declined to, telling me her feelings are no longer there for me. I am now living at the family home (apartment) by myself, and seeing my child 2 days a week. 

I still do love her, and I have done everything possible to try to find out why she no longer has feelings for me. I am not sure if it was the constant wondering if there was something going on, or if there is something going on between her and the OM and removing me out of the equation is how they will finally be together.

Any advice? 

Thanks


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She obviously doesn't want to end her affair. Tell the OM's partner, demand no access between your wife and the OM, tell the OM that he is to stop all contact and YOU stop all contact with the OM. However, stay in contact with his gf to see if they (wife and OM) are still in contact.
No reconciliation will be possible if the other couple remains in your life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let her go.

You busted her once for cheating, over a year ago and instead of cutting it off with him, she's still cheating on you. Not only that but you are STILL hanging with him an dhis girlfriend.

WHY? Why on earth would you want to hang with the man helping to betray your marriage? If you haven't let his girlfriend know what the score is, you need to do that today.

your wife does not love or respect you if she is still continuing to betray you, your marriage, your family.

You may want to find out "why" she has no feelings for you but it's irrelevant--her actions speak loud and clear.

Let her go so you can find someone who will love and appreciate you--not carry on with your good friend for over a year now.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You may want to find out "why" she has no feelings for you but it's irrelevant--her actions speak loud and clear.


I'm with jellybeans on this one - on here, we always go looking for reasons (I certainly did). But at the end of the day, it really matters little. In this particular situation, her conduct is appalling - don't become the backup guy.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I gave my wife a second chance in the relationship, offered any help to try to get through it... She still sends text messages to the OM, and a new tendency of hers would be to delete the messages every night before going to bed.


 You have done EVERYTHING possible to correct this situation which SHE has brought about.



> I am not sure if it was the constant wondering if there was something going on, or if there is something going on between her and the OM and removing me out of the equation is how they will finally be together.


1.) The constant wondering wouldn't have come about if she hadn't cheated.
2.) Even if she HAD cut things off with the OM, you would STILL be entitled to demand total transparency based on her past behavior (check her texts, check her emails)
3.) The fact that she is STILL texting the OM NIGHTLY and DELETING them is a clear indication the affair (EA or PA, it matters not) is STILL ON-GOING

You need to divorce.
You need to see about custody arrangements.
You need to be checked for STDs.
You need to let OM's GF know about this situation (not to be a d!ck, but because common decency would require that you let her know what you know so she can make an informed choice. If she wants to stay with OM...that is HER decision.)

Apparently your wife has decided the grass is greener elsewhere. There is nothing you can/should do to try to get her back. You have done your best, hold your head high, move on.


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