# Messy relationships



## ra_badi (Jul 13, 2015)

So - I have this friend [M38] (not close, but still a friend) who has been with his fiance [F38] for about 18 months. They bought a house and have been living together for about 5 months. About at the same time they bought the house - 9 months ago - he told his ex GF [42] (my friend) about his new situation, and from then on it seems he's been having a hard time letting his ex go.

They've been talking a lot, sexting, and they've had sex at least a couple of times. They both faced some pretty major obstacles this past year, and probably found some comefort in each other.
He got involved with this new girl pretty soon after the break-up with his ex. His ex (my friend) still has feelings for him and is having a hard time letting him go.

He has given his ex everything (and then some) needed to ruin his life, and he just keeps on giving. Can anyone be happy in these situations? Of all the girls "available" he chose his ex to cheat with. This is same game guy who said that cheating is the worst thing anyone can do to another human being.

So my questions are as follows:
Is he having problems or is he happy? When he posts FB-updates of his happy new life and stays in touch with his ex - what is going on with him? His new GF doesn't seem to know anything (I don't understand how that is possible, but then again she, or his ex, might not know him that well...).

Knowing him I don't understand how he's able to live this double life. Is his FB-updates about him convincing himself that everything is fine?

Should I talk to him about this situation - as his friend? Besides his ex I'm the only one who knows almost all the details of this mess.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Book them all on the Jerry Springer Show.


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## ra_badi (Jul 13, 2015)

Actually, my college friend had an internship on the Jerry Springer Show :| This is maybe a case of me needing new friends


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Guy's got a fiancé and is cheating on her with his ex-girlfriend. He's also keeping up all the fake social-media happiness crap one might expect. He's getting to have his cake and eat it too. Sounds pretty garden-variety cheater to me. No mystery here. This is just what cheaters do.


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## ra_badi (Jul 13, 2015)

Yes, Rowan, I agree. I guess I'm just surprised to see how anyone can behave like this in the "honey moon phase". This should be the time of his life, and instead he's risking it all.

And instead of keeping things on the low on Facebook he is posting his new and happy life. His behavior concerns me I guess. He been drinking quite a bit, and I know he went through some "stuff" this last year. I can't help but think that this is part of what makes him so irrational. In a way I hope so, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. 

Do I have a responsibility here as a friend, fellow human being? I probably can't make him do anything, but should I tell his best friend to "keep an eye on him", or should I just support his ex (my close friend), and leave the rest of this mess alone?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Nope, you don't have a responsibility to him. (if you are not "close" friends).

However, you might tell him that you are not blind to what is going on, and that he is going to bury himself in **** soon if he doesn't stop and pick one or the other. That his cheatin' ways will catch up to him.

Just tell him, that if you can see it, then that means others will be able to soon, and it won't be long before one or both of the girls knows.

He needs to pick one, ( or neither) and clean up this life.

There. You did the Good Samaritan thing and warned him. Then sit back and watch the show. (If you like to watch dramas). If you don't like dramas, then switch the channel and watch a different show.


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## Eve_Ripa (Jul 17, 2015)

If he's been unfaithful with his current GF for so long (basically the entire time they've been together), he has some serious issues that need to be dealt with. There is always room for mistakes, but at some point his conscience should stop him. Or his mental health.....No matter how troubled he is, it's no excuse. 

In these situations I wish someone would "tell the world"...This is also why I hate FB, etc. It's unreal how picture perfect everything seems, when he is actully betraying his GF and fcuking his ex.

Another thing, if he actually IS happy with his current situation - then your friend should think about how her presence in his life is part of what makes him happy. He's getting it all.

I must admit that I'm having a hard time believing that he is happy, it seems more like he is desperatly trying to convince himself and the rest of his FB-friends about his happy life. Also, if he able to keep this hidden from his GF, then she doesn't know him very well, or he is a master liar.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

He thinks cheating with his ex is not as bad and cheating with someone new. Of course that's nonsense but that's how rationalization works. Plus he's an opportunity cheater. Ex gave him the opportunity for no-strings sex and he took it. I wouldn't read much into than that. Even the things he does for her is just covert bartering for what she's giving him.


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## ra_badi (Jul 13, 2015)

Thank you for your feedback 

So, I talked to my friend again - trying to get her to move on. But the thing is that they've actually haven't had sex "that much". They've been acting like good friends most of the time, she says. Going on walks, talked on the phone for hours, chatting, and occasinally there's been sexting.

I'm beginning to suspect that maybe he wasn't completely over his ex when he moved on. The break up was pretty hard on them both. Maybe he moved on too fast. And now he stuck with a new "wife" in their brand new house? 

Anyways, I told my friend to keep her distance for some time. If he contacts her, just to keep it short, say she's busy or whatever, and don't be as available. If this is a case of him moving on too soon, than he'll need the distance anyways. The same goes for my friend: If he decides to stay with his current GF - than my friend will need the distance.

Still not sure how anyone can live and function normally with these lies, but apparantly some can. That's so sad. And scary.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I do not think he will stop until hard consequences are brought up upon him. I feel bed for his current GF and do not think much good about his ex gf. Ex gf is an enabler. I think this guy is a lost cause.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ra_badi said:


> Thank you for your feedback
> 
> So, I talked to my friend again - trying to get her to move on. But the thing is that they've actually haven't had sex "that much". They've been acting like good friends most of the time, she says. Going on walks, talked on the phone for hours, chatting, and occasinally there's been sexting.
> 
> ...


I'm guessing his wife wouldn't take comfort that he's screwing the ex sometimes but not every day. Whether he moved too fast doesn't change anything either. I'm guessing either he, or his ex messed around and didn't respect their commitments and that's why they split up. But neither have learned from it so maybe they deserve each other but his wife is now stuck in this mess.

You can believe whatever your friends say if you want to but it's not very logical for you to think they aren't spinning this with rationalizations. You probably already know everything I typed here. People do stupid things.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's treating your friend like a cheap piece of trash. He's too lazy to find someone new and she's familiar and easily available. When he has an itch for something else she's easy to find. It's not rocket science. 

If he was that interested beyond a cheap piece he wouldn't be with a new gf in public. Tell your friend she deserves much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ra_badi (Jul 13, 2015)

Thanks again. Yes, I totally agree with all of you. I guess I'm just trying to find somthing about the situation that doesn't make my friends complete idiots. Also, it pisses me off to see how easy it is for a seemingly decent man to screw two people over like this, and act as if life is perfect. He is my friend, but luckily not a close friend. That would be much harder, cause it's not easy having friends like that. At least not for me.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I would bet that the rationalization is that since they are an Ex and they had previously had sex, somehow that makes the cheating less bad. I have seen this sort of thing happen before and that is always the excuse used when they get caught.

It sucks when your friends show themselves to be of such low character that you feel the need to scrap the friendship. That is really all you can do, if it were me I would tell any people that are being deceived what I know and move on. That old saying applies here: Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> He's treating your friend like a cheap piece of trash. He's too lazy to find someone new and she's familiar and easily available. When he has an itch for something else she's easy to find. It's not rocket science.
> 
> If he was that interested beyond a cheap piece he wouldn't be with a new gf in public. Tell your friend she deserves much better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems like the ex is having an affair with someone she knows is married. I'm not following how she's being treated bad. It's his current wife who's being screwed over.

EDIT: I agree with your point though and what he should tell her. Just pointing out that she's a bad guy here too.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ra_badi said:


> Thanks again. Yes, I totally agree with all of you. I guess I'm just trying to find somthing about the situation that doesn't make my friends complete idiots. Also, it pisses me off to see how easy it is for a seemingly decent man to screw two people over like this, and act as if life is perfect. He is my friend, but luckily not a close friend. That would be much harder, cause it's not easy having friends like that. At least not for me.


Keyword "seemingly." This man is a lying deceptive jerk who is far from decent! The woman isn't much better! Maybe not complete idiots, but certainly selfish individuals completely lacking in integrity and morals.

I'd be dropping both the male friend and the female ex-girlfriend friend out of my life. Who needs to be friends with people who like to screw over other people? Especially ones they've made commitments to!

And I'd be letting the new fiancee know what's up with her man before she makes the biggest mistake of her life. I don't think much of your own decency if you don't.


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## ra_badi (Jul 13, 2015)

I won't tell his fiance about the affair. I've never met her, actually very few of our mutual friends (who are closer to his ex than him) has met her. Most of them didn't even know about his new partner for a long time. I am however tempted to tell just to shake *his* world up.

My loyalty is to my friend (his ex). I think they both thought they could be friends, and as they got closer my friend thought that he still had genuine feelings for her. 

Most likely he'll chose to stay with his fiance. Maybe because he "loves" her, maybe because he "has to". Things might eventually surface, I'm not sure if it is possible to create something good from something that has been based on so many lies.


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