# Breadwinner can't leave



## CantFindTheDoor (Mar 20, 2011)

Hi, Great forum, I've researched like crazy and can't find anyone with a similar problem. Please advise:

I'm 39, W is 41. We've been married 10 years. I moved far away to be with her. She was getting her degree and going to grad school. As soon as I moved up here, she changed her mind about grad school and has never worked.

We never had a really good relationship. I was pretty attached to the life i left behind (no affairs or anything) and she could sense that, and was pretty paranoid and controllng about things.

Her dad got cancer and when she found out she was pretty upset and asked me to marry her. She doesn't remember it that way, she makes fun of my informal proposal like it's part of my wacky charm or something. But, what I remember is her crying her eyes out in bed because her dad would not see her get married, until I said "OK, let;s get married" That was a big mistake.

We got married, her dad died on our honeymoon, was too ill to see her get married after all.

We have two kids, 6 and 7. The 7 yo is autistic. This has been a big strain on everything. She's always screamed at me, she's always blamed me for whatever is wrong. She's never taken responsibility for her feelings or for her unhappiness.

We bought a house but we had to buy a multi-family for rent income to make it work. We rented to friends of mine. She always thought they didn't like her. They never told me that, but it eventually got so bad, that she insisted we move. Her and her mother bought a house together and I stayed off the deed on purpose, because I wanted to protect her a little bit in case I had trouble getting out of a business relationship I was in.

I forced her into treatment for her depression, when she started being really mean, spending out of control, sleeping until noon, and violently screaming at me every day. The medication kept her calm, but she was out of it -- lack of affect. It didn't change her from feeling that her unhappiness was a result of the things I didn't do for her.

For most of the marriage, I worked at home and we split the child care 50-50, maybe a little less even than that with me doing the most. Eventually, my work at home opportunities dried up, and I got a full-time job, which balanced the reponsibilities a little better.

Shortly after I went to work, and I was really happy to be out of the house a little. She told me that the thought of me touching her made her physically ill. That was kind of a watershed moment for me, because I just didn't see why I was trying to hold it together.

I basically stopped accepting responsibility for her unhappiness at that point. I have had a PA and an EA since then. I know this is wrong.

She got very upset and screaming and depressed after my parents visited last summer and I forced her into counseling. Counseling has helped her considerably, but counseling has convinced me that I no longer have the feelings necessary for a loving relationship. I really can't make excuses, I'm plenty responsible, I can only say for those that judge me that i spent 6 years being tortured mentally and yelled at and 1000 word-emailed about how unhappy and crazy she felt and how it was all my fault. I am not exaggerating the all my fault thing. I have spent hours discussing thingswith her some times without her accepting responsibility for anything.

I do not wish to be unhappy anymore. I want out.

But, I'm the only earner, I do OK, but I live in an extremely expensive part of the country. I would have to pay child support and separate maintenance for her (never worked). I blieve the children benefit the most from me being here and giving her enough support that she can manage to take care of them. She has a mobility impairment that has developed over the last 4 years.And to be completely honest, she is also very lazy, an extremely bad housekeeper (this is also my fault, i am told). We live paycheck to paycheck.

And of course, there is my autistic son. It is possible, but not easy for 1 person to take care of him. If I were to leave for exampe, i would have to stay very involved in the day to day at this place. 

When I think about what is truly necessary to get away, I would need to be able to live on $1000-1200 month. This is not possible, honestly, I could get close if I moved to a bad town close by and got a roommate, but I could not afford the a place that would be suitable for me to have the kids at my place.

I could go back to where I'm from, but that would mean losing my job and all visible support. That would work but it would put her in a really bad position.

If I could take the kids, I'd be fine and she would be better too, if you ask me. But, she could never let them go, and I don't hate her so that seems like a lot to try and do to a person.

I'm not overly secretive about anything. It is possible that she might tell me to get out, but I don't really think she can dump the meal ticket.

I know in my heart that my love for her is gone. Nothing has replaced it, but the turmoil has killed it for sure. I don't think I should stay for the kids, but Idon't think I have any options. She's not going to go to work. I cant maintain 2 households.

What would you do?


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

This is a very tough situation to be in. Let me tell you with experience- running away from the problem will not solve anything and in fact make it worse. Have you tried IC? Maybe a short separation will give her a jolt to change for the good of the marriage. I would suggest move out for sometime so you can near your kids and help her with household stuff. See how she reacts and then decide on the next steps. My suggestion would be that no matter how tough the situation is when there are kids involved you have to try and try to make it work. Just my 2 cents!


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## CantFindTheDoor (Mar 20, 2011)

Thanks for your opinion. It's hard for me to imagine where I would go. I think I would end up renting a room.

I hear you about trying to make it work, and I agree, but what's going to work for me is an acknowledgement on both sides, that I'm not her romantic partner. I am somewhat interested in her happiness and betterment, but if that made her think something else, then I would want the arrangement to be strictly as co-parents.

I just would like to reserve some of the rest of my life toward my own happiness. I would like to find someone who loves me. I think it's weird how selfish I feel when I admit that, b/c of the kids. But, it's true. I just dn't know how to have all that at once.


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## CantFindTheDoor (Mar 20, 2011)

>Have you tried IC? 

I have not. The MC really wants me to do that. I'm willing, although a little out of free time and money for it, but I don't understand why it seems like a good idea. I feel like I know what I want. I don't feel confused.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Believe me I am in somewhat similar situation as yours. Different but can relate to your feelings. I have been doing IC for the last 4 months....on a friend's suggestion even though I was set against it and now it has come to a point that this was the best thing that ever happened in a while and something that I look forward to twice a week. Only you can change and feel stronger and grow. You cannot change the other person. Remember if you change the environment around you will change and you will notice the difference. Work on yourself and emotionally you will feel better and more connected to your kids and possibly wife. Don't fight fire with fire....but fire with water and love..and don't think of yourself as the meal ticket..but as someone who is fortunate to provide for his family....try this for a few months and see how it works..(it has come from the heart though)


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

I am in a similar situation myself. IC was fantastic to talk about what you want for your goals, what you can accomplish in the short term and long term. Also to figure out if you are currently depressed.

I would also look at Dr Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy book. I think it can help out your situation and possibly make your current relationship better.

Good luck


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