# Depression and relationships



## hopping (Sep 15, 2013)

My partner suffers with depression that makes him go through spells of being very down/ unmotivated and unwilling to leave the house. When depressed he gets angry and starts explosive arguments with me for little or no reason. He says he doesn’t mean to/ can’t stop/ doesn’t even realise he’s reacting to things so angrily. I have a tendency to react to his outbursts with sadness/ anger and we both say hurtful things we don’t mean. How can I handle his depression better? I don’t know how to deal with his anger or his sadness very well. I often find myself losing my patience and making things worse.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

hopping said:


> When depressed he gets angry and starts explosive arguments with me for little or no reason. He says he doesn’t mean to/ can’t stop/ doesn’t even realise he’s reacting to things so angrily.


Has he tried antidepressants? therapy? medical check-up? I have my doubts that he cannot control himself. It sounds like he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions.



hopping said:


> I have a tendency to react to his outbursts ... I often find myself losing my patience and making things worse.


Ever heard of detachment? A person cannot argue with thin air. You remove yourself from the room or the house when he starts baiting you. You don't react. You don't continue dancing with him. It takes two to fight/argue/get into it.

Do you two generally argue about the same subject(s)? Do you feel he will elevate the fights to physical abuse?


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## hopping (Sep 15, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Has he tried antidepressants? therapy? medical check-up? I have my doubts that he cannot control himself. It sounds like he is not willing to take responsibility for his actions.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm sure he would never physically abuse me. It's just petty name calling/ swearing and shouting. I believe him when he says he finds it hard to control the anger- it's like he becomes a different person. I understand I need to detach/ not argue it's just so difficult when I feel wronged and don't want to become a wallflower letting him walk all over me. I can't seem to find a balance or remember it's an illness not him purposely being horrible. Sigh.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The "I can't control it" line is BS. Total BS. Does he do that to his friends? His co-workers? Out in public? I bet he doesn't.

He can control it. At the very least, he can apologise for it. He IS responsible for the things he says.

My mum suffered from severe clinical depression for years, and the emotional cruelty that was spewed out of her mouth was shocking. She had a shrink behind her telling her that she was "sick" and "mentally ill" and was therefore not responsible for what she said. The rest of the family ended up in counselling because of it - and were told by both the counsellor and two gp's, that the can't control herself line was crap.

To this day, she will still not apologise and our relationship has been permanently damaged.

You won't be a wallflower if you choose to remove yourself from the situation when he behaves this way. Stay calm and simply say "I will not be spoken to that way" and leave the house immediately.

The first time you do it, he'll fall down from shock.

Do NOT put up with this crap.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You dont tell us much about yourself. Your age how long you have been together how often and how long his spells of depression are.
You must have some idea of why he is depressed. Is it work related.
To answer your question of how to stop making it worse one would have to know a lot more.

I gather from your post that otherwise at other times you are quite happy with him.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

accept1 said:


> You dont tell us much about yourself. Your age how long you have been together how often and how long his spells of depression are.
> You must have some idea of why he is depressed. Is it work related.
> To answer your question of how to stop making it worse one would have to know a lot more.
> 
> I gather from your post that otherwise at other times you are quite happy with him.


I agree with the above and like Miss Froggie's thoughts also. The other posters further up are right. You will need to disclose more information before you will get much useful advice.

Best wishes. I am sure it is not easy. I write as one who had serious depression when younger so knows that it is not easy for anyone concerned.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

hopping said:


> How can I handle his depression better?


You don't. He is the one that needs to handle his depression better. I agree with the other posters who say that he is using his depression as a catch all reason for losing his temper. OK, well, let's just say that is true. Then what is HE going to do to prevent it from happening? 

And yeah, I really doubt he has these types of outbursts with other people. You are his verbal punching bag. 

I hope he gets the help he needs. If not, then you need to help yourself and remove yourself from the situation. This is not the life you deserve. 

Take care.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

It sounds like he needs professional help. I am sure it's affecting other areas of his life(work, friends). 

You really need to push him to see someone. I don't see how you can take his verbal abuse and not say anything.


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## petethemug (Oct 7, 2013)

Firstly I'm new to this site but well experienced with living in a relationship that is an unhappy one due to a partners depression. 
I have been married for 22 years. Long time I know. My wifes depression started after our third and final child. She suffered post natal depression and the doc prescribed her with Anti Depressants. So far so good? No not really. She remained on those Anti Depressants for over 8 years. She became dependant on them Every time she talked to the Doctor he would say she would be worse. We even changed doc but they all said the same. I would race around working and coming home to find the house a mess. She would only really click when she knew her Mom was coming over? I used to invite her mom and dad over for dinner nearly every Sunday. She thought I was being sweet but really, her parents never really liked me anyway, I just wanted the house tidy and she never wanted anyone to see the house a mess. So Control? Yes they can switch it off for certain people......just not those near and dear to her. About four years ago our daughter was raped in school. We come from an old fashioned family so when we had children we gave up going out unless it was together. We didnt want anyone looking after our kids, we had them we should care for them. So we always drove our kids to school and always picked them up. No matter what the situation was, they were always delivered and collected. One day I get a call from my wife telling me our daughter had cut her wrists in school. I told her to go collect her and I was on my way home. I was driving Arctic Lorries at the time but the company was cool about me taking the load back and racing home. There was my daughter. After four hours of talking she finally broke down and told us at 13 that two weeks ago she had been conned into going to the back of the school with some boy during a lesson and he raped her. Now yes I was fighting anger, hate and murderous thoughts but I had to be rational. I took her to the school first and after speaking with the deputy head he spoke with our daughter alone, and then told us we must go to the Police as our daughter had indeed been raped. My wife was unemotional. I looked in her eyes and seen what I had seen for many years, cold dead eyes. What followed our report to Police can wait for another time but it lasted three years and nearly killed us. Last September 2012 my wife took an overdose. Most of 2012 had seen us argue and come to the point of nearly walking out on each other. I had gone to Italy and nearly thrown myself of a mountain. All the time constantly thinking of my children who are wonderful. Our eldest had already left home at 16. Social services were involved over the school incident and they couldnt wait to explain our daughters rights to her, at 14 you can have the pill and no one need let your parents know and when your 16 you can leave home and do what you want!! Well at 16 thats exactly what she did. The other two, one is autistic and the other could talk for England and I love them dearly. My wife and I had our final talk in december last year. We talked about how antidepressants had stole every ounce of emotion from her. An Antidepressant does not target a specific low part of your life? It takes the lot until you feel nothing. On January the first 2013 we poured all her meds in the bin. It was hard but she did it. It two months before she started getting a twinkle in her eye again. She was coming alive, able to debate and think something she had lost the ability to do. She was a different person. Her she was, my wife again. This lasted until this september. Then like the booze creaps up on you, so did her one day of panic and anxiety. She went the doc and he convinced her to go back on depressants immediately. All this year we had not had a fall out, we had not even considered leaving each other. Three times she had been to the docs this year, once with a frozen shoulder...he offered antidepressants, again with a lower back problem and again he offered antidepressants and then with sleeplessness and again antidepressants. All different doctors. We have drifted back to not liking each other. We dont have sex anymore, something that once was great, three four times a week. I noticed she was doing it because I wanted it. I didnt want that, I didnt want a person who was going through the motions just for me. Now we dont do it at all. I want to leave but know that she wont be able to cope. I fear for my kids and I love her. We exist, we dont live.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

petethemug said:


> Firstly I'm new to this site but well experienced with living in a relationship that is an unhappy one due to a partners depression.
> I have been married for 22 years. Long time I know. My wifes depression started after our third and final child. She suffered post natal depression and the doc prescribed her with Anti Depressants. So far so good? No not really. She remained on those Anti Depressants for over 8 years. She became dependant on them Every time she talked to the Doctor he would say she would be worse. We even changed doc but they all said the same. I would race around working and coming home to find the house a mess. She would only really click when she knew her Mom was coming over? I used to invite her mom and dad over for dinner nearly every Sunday. She thought I was being sweet but really, her parents never really liked me anyway, I just wanted the house tidy and she never wanted anyone to see the house a mess. So Control? Yes they can switch it off for certain people......just not those near and dear to her. About four years ago our daughter was raped in school. We come from an old fashioned family so when we had children we gave up going out unless it was together. We didnt want anyone looking after our kids, we had them we should care for them. So we always drove our kids to school and always picked them up. No matter what the situation was, they were always delivered and collected. One day I get a call from my wife telling me our daughter had cut her wrists in school. I told her to go collect her and I was on my way home. I was driving Arctic Lorries at the time but the company was cool about me taking the load back and racing home. There was my daughter. After four hours of talking she finally broke down and told us at 13 that two weeks ago she had been conned into going to the back of the school with some boy during a lesson and he raped her. Now yes I was fighting anger, hate and murderous thoughts but I had to be rational. I took her to the school first and after speaking with the deputy head he spoke with our daughter alone, and then told us we must go to the Police as our daughter had indeed been raped. My wife was unemotional. I looked in her eyes and seen what I had seen for many years, cold dead eyes. What followed our report to Police can wait for another time but it lasted three years and nearly killed us. Last September 2012 my wife took an overdose. Most of 2012 had seen us argue and come to the point of nearly walking out on each other. I had gone to Italy and nearly thrown myself of a mountain. All the time constantly thinking of my children who are wonderful. Our eldest had already left home at 16. Social services were involved over the school incident and they couldnt wait to explain our daughters rights to her, at 14 you can have the pill and no one need let your parents know and when your 16 you can leave home and do what you want!! Well at 16 thats exactly what she did. The other two, one is autistic and the other could talk for England and I love them dearly. My wife and I had our final talk in december last year. We talked about how antidepressants had stole every ounce of emotion from her. An Antidepressant does not target a specific low part of your life? It takes the lot until you feel nothing. On January the first 2013 we poured all her meds in the bin. It was hard but she did it. It two months before she started getting a twinkle in her eye again. She was coming alive, able to debate and think something she had lost the ability to do. She was a different person. Her she was, my wife again. This lasted until this september. Then like the booze creaps up on you, so did her one day of panic and anxiety. She went the doc and he convinced her to go back on depressants immediately. All this year we had not had a fall out, we had not even considered leaving each other. Three times she had been to the docs this year, once with a frozen shoulder...he offered antidepressants, again with a lower back problem and again he offered antidepressants and then with sleeplessness and again antidepressants. All different doctors. We have drifted back to not liking each other. We dont have sex anymore, something that once was great, three four times a week. I noticed she was doing it because I wanted it. I didnt want that, I didnt want a person who was going through the motions just for me. Now we dont do it at all. I want to leave but know that she wont be able to cope. I fear for my kids and I love her. We exist, we dont live.


You have my profound sympathy. I have some glimmering of an idea how hard this will have been for your wife, your daughter and you.


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## hicktrjf (Oct 8, 2013)

Your age how long you have been together how often and how long his spells of depression are.


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