# Calling all Nice guys -question for you ?



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It seems I keep talking about this on here when answering threads, so I thought I would start my own on this fasinating subject. I am just too curious to hear from others. 

IF you are the gentle loving nice guy type, it just permeates your being, you are generally more patient, more calm, just not as dominant as some other men you may know, my question to you is >>>> are you more sexually attracted to the more Aggressive "take charge" female ? Or do you seek out a nice calm gentle loving woman - similar to yourself? 

What did you marry and does it work "well" ?? 

I ask this because my husband is definetely the Nice guy type, I love him to tears, and he has ALWAYS, even from his youth, been attracted to the "mean" girls, the bad girls, even as early as 1st grade. I have always thought this rather amusing, I still get a charge out of it, but maybe this is just normal. He also loves for a woman to dominant him in bed. 

And if you are a Dominate/Aggressive women by nature, are you more attracted , seem to yeild to the Nice guy type ?? I always was myself, I would seek out the "shy boy". I married the shy boy. 

This is not to say everything is always perfect, a few things I wish he had more of, and even though he prefers my type, I know sometimes he might wish I had the patience & sweetness of his dear doting Mother, with our children, I tend to be rough around the edges, the tough love type. We all have things to work on in life. But generally, I am under the belief that Opposites in this area make Great matches in life & marraige. 

Maybe I am all wet, Just wanted to hear from others, and your feelings on this.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm a Nice Guy (why does this feel like an introduction at an AA meeting?) and I married a more dominant female.

It worked well for about 20 years, but now it seems that she's suddenly looking for something different.

I also used to think that the contrast was a good thing in all areas of life. Use to seem that we kept each other in check - balanced each other out. 

But now it seems that my more adventurous wife is - well - looking for some adventure in her life. Actually makes sense, given her personality type.

Take a look at the "How about them apples" thread in the Men's section. That might give you some insight.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've got four brothers. Three of us turned out to be obvious "pleasers" (nice guys) and the other two weren't as compliant. All three "pleasers" ended up with very strong, aggressive wives and the two more difficult brothers ended up marrying quiet, reserved wives. I think "pleasers" don't necessarily seek out aggressive women but they have trouble saying "no" and hurting others' feelings, so they end up going along to get along. Pleasers are more likely to tolerate crappy behavior so they receive more of it. I think "pleasers" also find it easy to take on the role of "rescuer" and seem to gravitate to pitiful damsels in distress and vocal, aggressive women might be more likely to freely display their wounds. A vocal, aggressive woman who is also seen as pitiful due to her circumstances is also likely to have one or more personality disorders, financial problems, previous relationship problems, substance abuse problems, etc. Nice guys find it difficult to walk away and imagine they will help fix this damsel's problems and she will, in undying gratitude, reciprocate with everlasting love and faithfulness. Sleeping Beauty was in a jam, the prince rescuers her and it's all "happily ever after". In countless movies, the strong silent Sheriff rescues the pitiful soiled dove and she falls in love with him. What's the point of being a rescuer if there is no victim?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't believe in a always fits the bill type of attractions, but I am very much like your hubby. I always have liked the "eccentric" grils tatoos, piercing (didn't have many back in my day) I would dig that if I was a young man again, charismatic, risky, a little untethered. My current wife was the jump on stage, on the bar, I can drink with the guys, yet dressed like a hippy or a **** depending, very adventerous in ALL ways.

Through our early years of infidelity pre marriage I always went for the crazy chicks.

Mr.NiceGuy I wanted to chime in on your predicament. I'm just not a "party" guy unless its in the bedroom I'm much more "crazy" then my "crazy" wife is but she holds her own.

I do hear what you are saying. My wife loves the big groups of people, the entertaining, the dancing, I have always been very introverted by nature. It's that I won't do it but given the option I'll decline every time!! She knows this and often thanks me for going or I know your being a trooper here.

I always wonder as we now get older if one day she'll just go for the wild, crazy, loud, charsimatic, life of the party that would seem to be her equal. I will never ever be that guy!

Good luck in your situation.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

i'm one of thos 'nice guys', but I'm not in the least bit attracted to dominant women. I do want a woman who is self-sufficient and not needy; and I like her to be sexual, and at times to initiate. But as far as the "bad girl/b*tch" type of woman, I have no use. Can't stand 'em.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And if you are a Dominate/Aggressive women by nature, are you more attracted , seem to yeild to the Nice guy type ?? I always was myself, I would seek out the "shy boy". I married the shy boy.


As the agressive/extrovert one in our relationship and I too picked out a "shy girl" myself. I've always been attracted to the shy girls as well. 

I think it's very true opposites attract. I just wonder if two dominant people get in a relationship if it will even work out? With a constant power struggle, it must make an interesting relationship. Or if those are the kinds of relationships that end up being labeled as "toxic".


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> I just wonder if two dominant people get in a relationship if it will even work out?


I wonder the same thing about two fairly passive people - who makes the first move? Who decides where to go for dinner? Who initiates sex more often?

Almost seems like you need one person with some dominant traits to offset the less dominant / more giving personality.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> I think it's very true opposites attract. I just wonder if two dominant people get in a relationship if it will even work out? With a constant power struggle, it must make an interesting relationship. Or if those are the kinds of relationships that end up being labeled as "toxic".


 I'll give you an excellent example here. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the female Rock singer "PINK" - I watched her Behind the Music special one night, she has always been hopelessly in love with Carey Hart , a MOtorcross racer , they are both very aggressive by nature, yet they truly LOVE each other, or want too , but it is somewhat TOXIC, many of her songs are about him (great conflict = great inspiration sometimes), they have married, divorced, married again, they can't stand each other but can't stand to be without each other at the same time. Totally nuts. 

She did this one video called "Please Don't leave me " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eocCPDxKq1o&ob=av3n I just know this video is about him!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

HopeinHouston said:


> i'm one of thos 'nice guys', but I'm not in the least bit attracted to dominant women. I do want a woman who is self-sufficient and not needy; and I like her to be sexual, and at times to initiate. But as far as the "bad girl/b*tch" type of woman, I have no use. Can't stand 'em.



Now, hold on here, of coarse noone would be attracted to THAT, one would have to be a Masochist to invite or desire a known "B" into your life. Maybe I gave the wrong impression when I used the term "Bad girl". Some here have mentioned tattoos, peircings, jumping up on stage, drinking with the guys kind of thing. I am none of this, nor is all other assertive dominate women. Nor would my husband want these things. 

On the other hand, I could be a real "B" if I was pushed in a corner and not treated right, this is true, as I aim to be treated fairly (& hopefully treat others as fair), do not back down easily, confrontation is not something I shy away from, if a friend/etc is overstepping their boundaries, I let them know. But being a "B" for the sake of being a "B". Never or Rarely, unless I am having a really bad day and maybe my kids see it the most. 

When I say more dominant /aggressive, I guess I just mean in temperment, not necessarily the PARTY atmosphere type of Chick. 

Just wanted to clarify a little.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Almost seems like you need one person with some dominant traits to offset the less dominant / more giving personality.


I agree completely with you there. As a perfect example is my brother-in-law and his wife (she's dominant, he's not). My SIL and I get along okay, but we get into a LOT of power struggles whenever we are both involved in anything. Neither of us wants to follow, we both want to lead and we will fight over the stupidest things. My wife and I spend a lot of time together with her brother and his wife so we see this played out fairly often. It's a running joke that they never have to worry about us two hooking up because we would end up killing each other after 1 day together.




SimplyAmorous said:


> I'll give you an excellent example here. Not sure if anyone is familiar with the female Rock singer "PINK" - I watched her Behind the Music special one night, she has always been hopelessly in love with Carey Hart , a MOtorcross racer , they are both very aggressive by nature


Yep, I know exactly what you are talking about, I have more then a few of her songs on my IPOD, all very powerful feelings behind those songs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> I think "pleasers" also find it easy to take on the role of "rescuer" and seem to gravitate to pitiful damsels in distress and vocal, aggressive women might be more likely to freely display their wounds. A vocal, aggressive woman who is also seen as pitiful due to her circumstances is also likely to have one or more personality disorders, financial problems, previous relationship problems, substance abuse problems, etc.



Unbelievable: WOW - I will try not to take too much offense to the way you envision the more Aggressive female. Though I am sure such stories well exist, probably many. 

 I will agree Pleasers tolerate alot more than they should. I love telling Nice Guys to be more selfish sometimes, to stand their ground. 

My husband did put up with some crap with me in the beginning of our relationship. I came from a somewhat dysfunctional family life, I really wanted to get away from that, I had some definete chips on my shoulder when we met, this is true. I laid alot of that on him. He was there, he allowed me to vent, he definetely loved me through it and accepted me. And so did his family. 

If I have a personality disorder, I have never needed meds, Never been much of a spender so no financial issues, the only relationship problems I had was guys wanting sex & me saying NO till I met him, and I have never drank or smoked so- no substance abuse here. 



unbelievable said:


> Nice guys find it difficult to walk away and imagine they will help fix this damsel's problems and she will, in undying gratitude, reciprocate with everlasting love and faithfulness. Sleeping Beauty was in a jam, the prince rescuers her and it's all "happily ever after".


 I will admit, looking back, I have an overwhelming Love for him for staying with me, putting up with me, at times. Even when I did not always show him the love I should have, it was there all along. Sometimes we come to our senses and it does end like a Fairy Tale. I do owe much of what I am today to his Love for me. So I guess I can agree with what you wrote here, he was somewhat of a "Rescuer" to me. He wouldn't have stayed just to be nice though, I have asked him this before, I gave enough back to keep him happy, even in the more difficult times, like when we struggled with infertility. 

Interesting insights. Who is not a little dysfunctional anyway. I surely can admit I have my faults.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Maybe I am all wet. . .


Gee. . .I hope so. 

I will ponder this question as I push our toddler around our neighborhood in the stroller as the women dressed in black leather ride by in their red sports car and laugh.



Be back in a few. . .


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

YouTube - captain kirk goes crazy!! best of william shatner

I save and use this link a lot here - it's William Shatner (over)acting it up.

It's makes me laugh every time I watch it.

No woman wants to be married to this side of every male. . .nor do they want Good Kirk either, who can't even issue a simple command.

Anyway, to answer your question - I am the nice guy (or Good Scannerguard dominated me let's say), or used to be and no, I wasn't attracted to the bad girl. I married and dated "nice girls" only. I am not sure why. And it's not just me that said I was a nice guy - it was all my friends, family, and even her family. However, a marriage counselor did say I was passive aggressive once in our reationship, whatever that meant (fancy psychobabble phrase for stubborn?)

Anyway, I was "nice" until one day I snapped. . .

I think now I didn't ask out aggressive woman because I was intimidated but that is changing.

However, I just asked out a woman who I would have never, EVER asked out before, in my youngen' days. She strikes me like a partier, totally hot. . .like the popular girls in high school and I was the goofy, shy guy who sat next to her in Biology class and never had to nerve to ask her out.

I am attracted to her. . .well, that's my ramble for the day.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> I'm a Nice Guy (why does this feel like an introduction at an AA meeting?) and I married a more dominant female.
> 
> It worked well for about 20 years, but now it seems that she's suddenly looking for something different.


 Nice Guy: Thank you so much for sharing, I don't care what anyone says, nothing wrong with being a Nice Guy. Nothing to be ashamed of. This is a harder feat in life than being the clanging gong of getting what we think we deserve. It is often other people who need to change. 

It sounds as though your wife is going through a Mid life Crisis. Considering all was so fine for 20 yrs then it is not -suddenly. Maybe once she gets this new found WILDNESS Out of her system, relives what she thinks she missed in life, she will want to come back. Crazier things have happened. But it may just be too late. 

I know of a situation right now like that, woman in her 40's , left the nice guy husband, secure financial situation/big house/great neighborhood, she is suddenly hanging out with drinkers, staying up all night, getting tattoos, a peircing, left her kids, nothing is making sense about it, other than she wants to relive her youth, a WILD youth at that. I am curious to see how this plays out.  She was a Teacher for goodness sakes. Mid life can be a killer for some, a relationship destruction zone. 

I will he honest here & admit, I had been completey & utterly content in my marraige for the last 20 yrs also, but when I hit my 40's, I suddenly felt I was missing some things, I didn't want to go to bars or get tattoos but I wanted to experience everything & anything Sexual that I missed in my youth (I literally have never been with another), I had thoughts of being with a younger guy, suddenly enjoyed flirting like mad, a desire to run away from the kids, kinda tired of all the responsibility, feeling that "I want to be YOUNG again" utopia, so I talked about it, I didn't try to hide the fact I was feeling like this, but put it out there. 

So me & my husband worked through this together, trying to bring some youngness back into our marraige, we made it more about US, putting US 1st for the 1st time since we had kids. We do some things now we never did in our 20's, endured a "Mosh pit" at a Rock concert , surfing people over our heads - a month ago, I think we were the oldest couple in the front area. Young people are insane but it was FUN!! He likes to go to Strip clubs and I go with him. A little nuts but it helps we are on the same page. I learned to tone down some of these feelings , realize & contemplate the BIG picture, realize this is just a phase I am going through. It will pass. 

But it IS an emotional time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I gave enough back to keep him happy, even in the more difficult times, like when we struggled with infertility.


And therein, lies the difference.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hello, this is my FIRST reply...Yay!!!
I, too, am a "Nice Guy", and I've dated "Nice" and "Aggressive" types. After awhile, I realized that opposites may attract, but they don't do too well in the long run. I married a quiet, shy type, sorta like me, and I always thank my lucky stars that we found each other. True, things ain't perfect (something I'm very thankful to have realized about relationships before I got married!), but even though my wife is the most thoughtful, caring person in the world, there are times when I wish she was more aggressive in the bedroom, because I get a little tired of always being the one who initiates and "takes charge" of the situation. Incidenatlly, this is why a S+M mistresses always have successful, CEO types as their clients. I just wanna be led around sometimes.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And-No, I am NOT into whips and chains...I just want the woman to "take charge" once in a while.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

SimplyAmorous,

Didn't intend to imply that all Nice Guys are rescuers nor that all aggressive women were basketcases. Mine was just an attempt to explain only particular type of Nice Guy/Dominant female relationship. People are so different, no single description would completely explain any individual's or couple's behavior. I should have been clearer. I apologize.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

Being an "assertive" (I prefer this term over aggressive) female, I have dated all types of males. From the totally passive to the complete bad boy, and many in between. I have found that I prefer the guy who will not walk all over you but is wiling to stand up for himself and what he wants. I don't care for the guy who is willing to be pushed around and I don't want someone that I feel I have to raise or constantly coddle. I like the guy who is capeable of providing his own input about what he does and doesn't like. I think, for me, a guy that is my equal is best. Someone who I can be dominate with and who can also dominate me.


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## Nine-E (Oct 7, 2008)

I'm a "nice guy" and I married a very aggressive (she would say "assertive") woman. In fact, sometimes she even calls herself a "macho b*tch"! 

But if I had it to do all over again I would have found someone less dominant. At times I'm grateful for her ability to take charge, such as when we remodeled the house and she dealt with all the contractor disputes. But for the most part I wish I'd married a sweetheart. A nice girl. Someone more like me. 20 years of being married to her and I'm only now starting to assert back at her. I'm finally sick and tired of being beaten down psychologically. I wish I didn't have to do that but it's come down to become more assertive or leave. 

Oddly, she never takes charge in the bedroom. She becomes totally passive when it comes to sex. Bummer.

- Nine-E


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It seems I keep talking about this on here when answering threads, so I thought I would start my own on this fasinating subject. I am just too curious to hear from others.
> 
> IF you are the gentle loving nice guy type, it just permeates your being, you are generally more patient, more calm, just not as dominant as some other men you may know, my question to you is >>>> are you more sexually attracted to the more Aggressive "take charge" female ? Or do you seek out a nice calm gentle loving woman - similar to yourself?
> 
> ...


All guys, no girls.  Since my husband is not here, I'll answer for him!

This is how we started:

We worked in a same school. He always dressed very neatly, gave me compliments like: I like your Chinese shirt! That's it. I liked him, very polite, very gentleman. And he has chest hair. I love men who have chest hair. 

Anyway, I was drooling for him for quite a while, but he never did anything. So one day I walked up to him:  Do you have a cell phone? He : I not only have a cell phone, I have a number, too. I was put on the spot: Can you give me your number?

Hey, I took the first step.  My husband told me later that he would never ask me first. He is very shy in front of women. He jokes a lot, though. He has to know you very well first, then he'll feel comfortable talking to you. 

I am dominant in many ways. I initiate sex a lot, very often he has to lend me his toy for me to have fun. I want more than him. I am also independent as a career woman. At school, he has to listen to me. 

But as a wife, I am submissive to him, I don't dare to be childish and silly, he doesn't like it. 

So, very interesting match!!!


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

I am definitely attracted to a more aggressive woman. I have always been the initiator in our sex life, but in terms of the act itself she has always been more assertive. In other words I started it, but she damn well finished it She has gotten more vocal about her needs over the years and It's a big time turn-on. I know you have been following my current dilemma so I shuld tell you I was probably missing some signs from here that she wanted me to take a more aggressive role. I'm so t-h-i-c-k.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> I know you have been following my current dilemma so I shuld tell you I was probably missing some signs from her that she wanted me to take a more aggressive role. I'm so t-h-i-c-k.


Really now !! So good to hear KrinOnt!!  If you follow any of my personal threads, you will see me OPENLY talk about this specific issue -with MUCH good advice following. Big Bad Wolf is the BOMB on talking about this -Excellent, even though at 1st he kinda bugged me. Here was my 1st thread on TAM http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...inate-enough-wives-who-how-reverse-roles.html

Us women, maybe sometimes we do not even realize what it is, but we SO desire for our men to be MORE Aggressive in the bedroom. When my husband wasn't, it made me QUESTION his desire. This was not good. A little selfishnes on the man's part somehow makes us feel more hotly desired. Sometimes we need that. Especialy when we are getting older, this seems more & more important to us, I know it was for ME.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

When we first got married I was very dominant. I think that contributed to our problems now. Getting older has made me realize I took over this role because he didn't. Now I want him to, so it is a struggle. He is passive and while I used to love that, now it bugs the hell out of me. Having said that, there needs to be balance. I could not be with someone who was truly dominant per se. A bit of a mix is necessary for me.
The greatest hell on earth moment for me was having to spend 27 hours in my car with my husband's bf, just the two of us. It involved a tropical storm, flooding up to the floorboards, not being able to leave the airport and eventually trying to navigate non flooded roads so he could see his bf/my husband. 27 hours in a hot, humid and running out of gas car with a dominant, loud mouth lawyer made me want to jump out of the car and be swept away in the flood. I love him to death and we are still dear friends but I could never be married to him. How either of us didn't wind up in a body bag that night is a miracle, and it had nothing to do with the storm. LOL.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

It's funny, but in my work profile, I was labeled an amiable, sympathetic determined driver. At work, or when in a high stress situation, I just lead. My managers call me a bulldog. But at home and with friends, I try to be the one to make everyong feel comfortable. They call me a teddy bear.

I think its my sympathetic nature that has kept me married for 23 years to a wife with BPD, who often treats me like she hates me until I get angry. She's a nurse, and forms great relationships with people who are not close.

Since I've told her that I cannot handle this forever, we'll probably divorce. I like strong women, with a soft side.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

takris said:


> I like strong women, with a soft side.


Yes, this soft side is VERY VERY important. I have gotten softer over the years, husband will attest, and I thank him for helping me find myself many times. I really am not sure I would be who I am today - without his love along the way. 

Ever since Hallmark has been making those Commercials about their cards, I have been balling ever since, can't seem to get through one of those without tears welling up. I know my husband loves this side of me, heart on the sleeves, he knows it all too well. 

But then again, when I am REALLY angry, I am also capable of swearing like a Truck Driver or would make a convincing Drill Seargent- if I need the family to get something done at home.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I'm the nice-guy type (at least I try to be, and my wife says I am) - and I pretty much always have been. (I think everyone is pretty self-centered in their youth, but even then I tried to be nice about it...)

My wife is much more outgoing, bubbly type than me. Not aggressive, but competitive and accidently confrontational (she doesn't try to be, but she can't back down - except on the odd occasion where for her own sake I have had to 'order' her to - never confrontation with me me though.)


So whilst we're different, she's not a 'bad' girl (she was a virgin on our wedding night, and I'm certain has never been with another man to any terribly intimate degree.) I've never liked the 'aggressive' female approach (my sister is like that ... curious mixture of aggressive, and then lets herself get pushed around by selfish gits .. strange.)

So, I don't know. Perhaps I'm just terribly British ...


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

I'm the nice-guy type too. I married my high school best friend, and looking back....it was because I couldn't tell her no! Even today, I cower when she yells, stomps her feet and demands her way. I tend to run back and appologize for crap I didn't do! I hate it! I hate me! I've never understood why it is so important to get your way? Does it really matter? Regardless, I've suffered in silence for 20 years now. When we got engaged, we had six months to go before the wedding. I was in the Marine Corps, and she was going to college. At year 15, she told me she slept with a guy during that six months. It has crushed me....and even though it has been 5 years since I found out about it, I can't get it out of my mind. She has demanded that it never be spoken of again. I feel I want to know more but she is not willing to tell me any more then I know. I'm now miserable as I feel it is totally her life and I just live in it. I will admit that she has softened over the last couple of years, and after saying all that, I have grown to love her. I have contimplated leaving her, affairs, etc., as initially the sex was great, but now it is not. (I feel decieved) Now it is performance based and very brief. She wants nothing to do with foreplay and I do all the work. If I bring up sex, I'm the idiot and she will never satisfy me. I have just began to stand up. At this point, my boys are old enough and I'm more prepared then ever to be alone. I'm a giver and I feel like I could never dominate a women. However, I'm also very tired of being a doormat!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Hello, 
Takris
r2d210

Stop being nice guys now. 

If your wives don't know how to appreciate your good qualities as faithful men, it is really their loss. Toughen up, don't let them bully you anymore. 

We like nice guys, because they are safe. But women who like security should cherish what they have, mention that to them, ask them if they want a man who is cheating around or a man who is faithful and responsible. No matter what, they should stop acting like bullies. Let them know that they might bully you away!!! Then they'll regret for what they have done!


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

Greenpearl, I'm a business management major and I am the manager of a staff of people. I have no problem getting the job done. I don't yell, I don't jump to conclusions, I am fair and balanced. If I had an employee like my wife, she would be fired in a heartbeat. However, when I go home at night, I become a different person. For some reason, I need her validation. I desire her approval. I can't explain it. I want so much for her to want me so I tend to eat yards of her crap for nothing. She is constantly telling me how I should spend my free time, money and who I can be friends with etc. I feel abused in a sense....and so as I said, I'm learning that I cannot and will not take it anymore. I feel like I have to treat our relationship as business and I really don't want that, but when I do, I seem to make my point known and she is learning to respect that.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

r2d210 said:


> Greenpearl, I'm a business management major and I am the manager of a staff of people. I have no problem getting the job done. I don't yell, I don't jump to conclusions, I am fair and balanced. If I had an employee like my wife, she would be fired in a heartbeat. However, when I go home at night, I become a different person. For some reason, I need her validation. I desire her approval. I can't explain it. I want so much for her to want me so I tend to eat yards of her crap for nothing. She is constantly telling me how I should spend my free time, money and who I can be friends with etc. I feel abused in a sense....and so as I said, I'm learning that I cannot and will not take it anymore. I feel like I have to treat our relationship as business and I really don't want that, but when I do, I seem to make my point known and she is learning to respect that.


r2d210,

Wolf is really good at this area. Bigbadwolf. Please go search for his posts. 

I joked about this before. I joke that men can fight fight fight in a war on the field, and fight fight fight in a war business related, but they can't do anything to their wives. Does it bother you when I say this. You are one of the men who are trapped. 

Women want security and stability, I think you are doing a great job. I really respect men who are faithful and responsible. 

But you have to toughen up, you have to let your frustration show and let her know not to cross your border to make you upset. For hobbies, if they are all healthy and good hobbies, you should decide what you should do, not she tells you what to do. I stay aside my husband's hobbies, I just support his hobbies. My husband likes coffee, now he even has a coffee bean roaster, he does need me to nod my head when he needs to spend big money. In this area, you have to be strong, you make the money, you want to spend your money in a way you like, she should just support you. 

For other things, you also have to be tough. If she is acting childish, just tell her that you don't like it. Women are funny, when they sense their men's power, they give the power to them. When they sense their men's weakness, they take advantage of it. You give her an inch, she'll want a foot, then you are in a trap. 

I understand that you want your wife to adore you. I think all men want that feeling. Being adored by their wives. I don't have any good advice for you since I am not a man. But I feel, if you are organized, responsible, know how to find fun yourself, focus on yourself rather than her, then the adoration will come naturally. I know that men like this, so I dote my husband this. I don't know how much your wife understands men. My husband is just a normal geeky guy actually, an English teacher, but I make him feel like he is my king. I keep on telling him how I am attracted to him by his good qualities. I don't think many women know that secret!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

r2d210 said:


> I'm a business management major and I am the manager of a staff of people. I have no problem getting the job done. I don't yell, I don't jump to conclusions, I am fair and balanced.


:scratchhead: 

Are you sure you are suffering from your dominant wife? 



> If I had an employee like my wife, she would be fired in a heartbeat. However, when I go home at night, I become a different person. For some reason, I need her validation. I desire her approval. I can't explain it. I want so much for her to want me so I tend to eat yards of her crap for nothing


What made you think she gave you crap?



> She is constantly telling me how I should spend my free time, money and who I can be friends with etc.


Your judgements on your wife are hitting at the wrong direction: 

If she MUST tell you something CONSTANTLY, it shows that you seldom listened to her advice.

She's not dominant at all if she MUST repeat an instruction all the time to make you follow. 

She's more close to nagging instead of dominating.

Let see! Why would a woman nag at her husband constantly?

I guess you covered your ears & ignored her expectations pretty often. 

What you have just pointed out CAN'T be defined as her "dominant" commands. They sound more like advice to me...

Which women don't advice husbands to spend money & choose friends with more care? 

What does such expection has to do with domination? 

Not only, she repeats her expections constantly, it shows you were not listening...

In short:

She didn't get the leadership in your marriage. If she were a true leader, you woud have followed her obediently but you seemed to be the disobedient type of husbands or you don't really pay attention to what your wife's needs.

She doesn't want to tell you more about the bygones doesn't mean she's dominant. 

You can't related everything she said negatively, and your only conclusion is, she's being dominant and you're her doormat. 

To seek validations from your wife has nothing to do with "Being submissive." It's very normal that we all need validations & recognitions form our spouses. 

Why would you conclude that is being submissive to your wife? 

You basically "downgrade" seeking validations from your wife = being weak, which is not true at all.

As for sex,

A dominant woman is active & aggressive to take control in bed. 

Besides, her not satisfying you at bed & her being unhappy in bed have little things to do with her domination. It seems she has a need but she knows you won't meet. So why should she PRETEND that she's very exciting in bed when obviously she's not.

There's an issue bothering her in bed, thus, you can't just skip it like that, and your conclusion is always because she's dominant, I know. 
Poor wife.

A dominant woman can't be passive in bed. Your wife lacks of dominant qualities. I think she's the submissive type of woman instead. 

Conclusion: 
Your wife isn't dominant in my opionin. She is simply unhappy because of her emotional needs, probably also sexual needs, not fulfilled.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> r2d210,
> 
> Wolf is really good at this area. Bigbadwolf. Please go search for his posts.
> 
> ...


How much can an English teacher make in Taiwan? USD 1000-1300? (I tried to put it highter) 

To be served like a King should cost much more!! 

Raise up your rate!! Just joking! I mean he's really a lucky man!


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

MsLonely, it is amazing to me how you are able to conclude so much from so little. Based off your detailed conclusion, if I understand you correctly, the problem is me. She is unfullfilled, therefore has no sex drive, tells me how high to jump, how to load the dishes...., where to be and how long to be there? Honestly, I don't understand a word you said. It doesn't equate, hense, my problem must be with me. What gets me is you don't even know me, yet based off my post, you conclude the problem is with me. I suppose it is fair to say my lingo of domination is misused. I'm not perfect, but I've been married for 20 years and to the outside.....people think we are a model marriage. I suppose the bulk of her comments are nagging, but if you could only see what I do for that women, you might be a little more balanced. I'm so confused......


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

r2d210: I want you to know I felt such a response was also very harsh & jumping to many conclusions. I can speak from my own experience, that It is VERY VERY easy to walk all over a "Nice Guy". I was never this bad thankfully, but I have had my moments, mostly in the past. And I can attest, it had more to do with MY personal issues than anything he was doing or not doing. 

I have seen women such as you describe (Used to have a neighbor like this) & wonder why in the world the decent man stays, I rarely blamed the man - for the behavior some of these beastly women dish out -for whatever reasons that is brewing inside of them. Sometimes it really is something deeply wrong with 1 person and it can spoil an entire marraige. And the decent more patient spouse keeps hanging on & hanging on -hoping for a better day. 

A good many who come to this forum are truly interested in changing themselves, more than just gaining sympathy, doing whatever possible to salvage their relationships, eager to learn -but even their best will NEVER be good enough when they are partnered with someone who can see no wrong in themselves - so they keep on taking advantage. 

I am just here to listen, not to judge. 

I will take your word that you are not ALL TO BLAME in your marraige. I do feel you would be helped by some books such as these - in dealing with a beastly wife who is used to walking all over you though, if you truly feel her nagging is not warrented. 

Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (9780310243144): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Amazon.com: Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man (9780973695106): Elliott Katz: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

Amazon.com: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men (9780979054402): Wayne M. Levine: Books: Reviews, Prices & more


If she can not learn to love & appreciate you for the Good you do & the love you give her, you might be better served to look for new pastures. I don’t think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, even if it is the man being abused. Let her feel what she is loosing , she is not likely to find another who will put up with her.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

r2d210 said:


> MsLonely, it is amazing to me how you are able to conclude so much from so little. Based off your detailed conclusion, if I understand you correctly, the problem is me. She is unfullfilled, therefore has no sex drive, tells me how high to jump, how to load the dishes...., where to be and how long to be there? Honestly, I don't understand a word you said. It doesn't equate, hense, my problem must be with me. What gets me is you don't even know me, yet based off my post, you conclude the problem is with me. I suppose it is fair to say my lingo of domination is misused. I'm not perfect, but I've been married for 20 years and to the outside.....people think we are a model marriage. I suppose the bulk of her comments are nagging, but if you could only see what I do for that women, you might be a little more balanced. I'm so confused......


You may not have liked the delivery, but the essence of it is correct. The problem _is you_. You're wife is simply taking advantage of circumstances that you permit, or invite.

The solution isn't about becoming a jerk, or insisting that your wife change. Her changes will result from changes you make to modify _your response to her_. The change engine for what is happening to you - has to be you. Does that make sense?

SA's book suggestions are all excellent. You cannot go wrong with "No More Mr. Nice Guy" given the dynamic you describe that your marriage currently has.


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

I'm not looking for sympathy. I appreciate the comments and I don't mean to be harsh or jump to conclusions. If I'm the one to change, that seems to be part of the issue. I live a life of somebody I'm not, I will continue to do that. Also, I have read two of the books you have suggested there. (Thank-you!) I have learned a lot from "TAM" (look at that, even using the lingo!) and as in any case, I'm sure I'm partially to blame for her nagging. I do however, in a very loving way, listen and act on all her suggestions. She doesn't tell me twice because she don't have to, it's done the first time. After the books, TAM, friends etc., I'm still confused. The only thing that works for me is do everything she asks (so not to make her mad) and hope there is something left in her tank for me. And I'm not just talking about sex. I haven't left, however I've considered it, for many reasons. So maybe this isn't the forum for me, I'm still just confused and still a "nice guy!".


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I don't know. It doesn't make sense to me. It sounds like your wife is a total pervert because you sound like a perfect husband but she treats you like shxx.
It's possible but not a big chance. She can't be a total pervert & you're a total victim to keep you loved & married for 20 years. You should have ended up 2 years instead. So when said your wife is dominant & you're a doormat, it was was venting.
I believe you have some issues with your wife and you're the one looking for solutions. You've read lots of books & comments. So I guess you're not that confused.
The problems in your marriage have to be solved by you because you're more resourceful & you're a manager. Your wife is a housewife? Or she's a career woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

When I gave my comments I already know you're not going to like it. I'm not very surprised with your reaction.
In fact, I also know that you're looking for more valid reasons to leave your wife even though you already found 100 of them.
Pls try to communicate with her. Tell her that you're so confused to continue this marriage. Reach out to her for help. Most women have a soft heart and 2 soft ears, especially when you're her husband. If you don't tell her your problems & your needs clearly, how can she help you by improving herself? She would go on nagging because she has no other ideas that work.
Ask her for help & listen to you without criticizing you to hurt your feelings. 
I'm sure she's got a lot to vent about you as well. So pls don't end up in fighting!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw, if she doesn't love you and she has no sex drive for you, she can't marry to you for 20 years. She's unhappy in bed with you because she has a need that you don't fulfill. It can be sexual or emotional. Women are an emotional creature. All the time being together before bed is considered as foreplay. Sometimes men find women's emotional needs are uncomprehensible, especially when he's a very logical man. Anyway, she's no idea why you want to leave her, pls tell her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## r2d210 (Nov 3, 2010)

No, she is not unhappy in bed. She is completely satisfied. So satisfied that she has no apitite for more! I'm the one unhappy in bed because she wants sex when she is ready, AND only when she is ready and I do all the work. I do not want to leave her. Thanks for calling her a pervert.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

r2d210
You can be a nice guy and not allow your wife to walk on you. She walks on you, and gives you crap simply because she can. She knows you will take whatever she deals you. You need to find out why you allow this, and begin working on making changes in yourself. If you are not happy then it is time to do something to be happy.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

r2d210 said:


> She doesn't tell me twice because she don't have to, it's done the first time. The only thing that works for me is do everything she asks (so not to make her mad) and hope there is something left in her tank for me. And I'm not just talking about sex.
> 
> 
> Can you not read the desperation in your own post?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

r2d210 said:


> No, she is not unhappy in bed. She is completely satisfied. So satisfied that she has no apitite for more! I'm the one unhappy in bed because she wants sex when she is ready, AND only when she is ready and I do all the work. I do not want to leave her. Thanks for calling her a pervert.


What's wrong that she wants sex when she's ready? We all want sex when we're ready. Do you want to have sex when she's not ready? What do you mean you do all the work in bed? Do you mean she only accepts man on top? the missionary position only? Do you mean she doesn't give you head? Most men like to take control and do the work in bed for their women. What do you exactly complaining about? Why she's wrong in your opinion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If she's happy & satisfied in bed with you, then why you're unhappy? I can't find a logical thing from what you complained about your wife. I don't know why she's a bad wife, still.
Do you mean you want your wife to do what you ask, instead of you do what she expects?
I think relationship work mutually. She can't be extremely selfish as you claimed and you are not a victim.
I didn't see a thing that you accused about her is a bully.
So she's not a pervert.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

What you have stated above, I can't see a thing she did or asked of you is unreasonable as a pervert. Except the thing about her cheating, you said she had slept with other man, did it happen before you married her?
Say something more logical & sensible. So far your reasons for accusing your wife is dominant are far from valid. Honestly they are more close to feeble excuses.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

4sure said:


> r2d210
> You can be a nice guy and not allow your wife to walk on you. She walks on you, and gives you crap simply because she can. She knows you will take whatever she deals you. You need to find out why you allow this, and begin working on making changes in yourself. If you are not happy then it is time to do something to be happy.


I can't see where his wife walked on him.
Making the wife happy in bed means she's walking on the husband? Wife expects husband to use money wisely and choose friends carefully means she walked on the husband.
It doesn't make sense.
I really don't understand! He still not yet said a thing to prove that the wife is dominant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

His wife gives him craps? Which craps???


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think everyone is projecting some of their own situation onto R2's postings.

MsLonely - check out his thread in the Men's section to get a better idea of what he might be dealing with.

From reading several of his posts, his wife sounds very domineering, and it sounds like he's put up with a lot over the years because he loves her. But now he's realizing that he is unhappy with the way that she treats him.

People do this all the time. A more exagerrated example would be someone who sticks with an alcoholic spouse even though the relationship brings more pain than good. Or someone who stays with an abusive spouse while constantly making excuses for their behavior and even hiding the abuse from others.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

NG,

She doesn't know what she is talking about! 

R2 knows what is going on!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I'm not a nice guy.

I'm a bad boy.

Me and my Harley. . .roaming the road. . .drifting. . .being a loner. Strolling into towns and breaking hearts. Picking fights. . .

Yes, ladies. . .I'm bad. . .


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> I'm not a nice guy.
> 
> I'm a bad boy.
> 
> ...


Kind of like Fonzie?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> Kind of like Fonzie?


LOL.

Yeah, thats my new motto in life (saw someone who had it for quote under their moniker):

What would the Fonz do?

Ehhhhhhhhhhh.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> I think everyone is projecting some of their own situation onto R2's postings.
> 
> MsLonely - check out his thread in the Men's section to get a better idea of what he might be dealing with.
> 
> ...


Can you make an example that she's abusive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

No - and I didn't say she was "abusive." I said she sounds "domineering" and that some of us - including me - are projecting our own experiences onto his situation.

In the example he gave on his post in the Men's forum, she was trying to make belittle him while he was doing something helpful/useful (emptying the dishwasher). Seems that she has some issues -but those issues likely aren't directly tied to how he empties the DW.

The example he gave sounds familiar to a lot of us - myself included.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I'm not a nice guy.
> 
> I'm a bad boy.
> 
> ...


I am a bad girl! 

Dare to challenge me???!!!

A street bike is my next gift for my husband.


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