# Cheated and now depressed



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

I cheated on my functioning alcoholic husband of 5 years (15yrs together) and now I'm so depressed. During the two month affair with my neighbor, I had justified my cheating because of the years of torture dealing with my husbands addiction. Now that's its been a few weeks and we are doing therapy, I realize how wrong I was. I'm seeking therapy to help understand why I made decisions I did and to deal with my depression. Just wondered if there was anyone out there in my shoes. I'm disgusted at my behavior and I've ruined my marriage. At the time of the affair I was seeking to fill a void in our relationship and it was the worst decision of my life. H an I have some good days and some bad days. I realize now that I've always had identity issues and self image issues due to things in my past. I didnt like myself before and now I really hate myself. Anyone else ever go through this or have experience with someone who did. H suggested I post here again because this site has been so comforting to us both. We realize that we have a long road ahead of us because of my actions. Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You can't change your past, but every day is a new day for you to choose to live as the person you want to be.


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Thx for the advice. It's such a hard time because H asks me for answers daily and at this point I don't have clear answers to rationalize my actions. That causes daily fights with H. Some days he is sad and some days he calls me trash ***** and lots of other things. He has the right to hate me but I'm starting to really believe those things he says. That I'm a useless piece of trash. Sometimes I don't know what my purpose is in life. I can't get mad at him for saying those things because I deserve it. It's just hard to not fully believe his words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you two aren't already, get into counseling. Sure you may deserve it, but your husband should NOT be calling you names like that all the time. When I decided to give R an honest try, I made sure that name calling, freaking out at him, bringing it up in a blaming way, all those things were OFF the table. They have to be for true R to happen.


----------



## sweaty teddy (Nov 13, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> Thx for the advice. It's such a hard time because H asks me for answers daily and at this point I don't have clear answers to rationalize my actions. That causes daily fights with H. Some days he is sad and some days he calls me trash ***** and lots of other things. He has the right to hate me but I'm starting to really believe those things he says. That I'm a useless piece of trash. Sometimes I don't know what my purpose is in life. I can't get mad at him for saying those things because I deserve it. It's just hard to not fully believe his words.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well, cheating is never right .....but being a functional boozer isn"t ever right either.

you both need to own your respective rolls in how your marriage is.own it and then start a new. maybe it will spark back up or maybe it will wither on the vine either way life goes on.

is he still drinking?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

baddecisions said:


> I cheated on my functioning alcoholic husband of 5 years (15yrs together) and now I'm so depressed. During the two month affair with my neighbor, I had justified my cheating because of the years of torture dealing with my husbands addiction. Now that's its been a few weeks and we are doing therapy, I realize how wrong I was. I'm seeking therapy to help understand why I made decisions I did and to deal with my depression. Just wondered if there was anyone out there in my shoes. I'm disgusted at my behavior and I've ruined my marriage. At the time of the affair I was seeking to fill a void in our relationship and it was the worst decision of my life. H an I have some good days and some bad days. I realize now that I've always had identity issues and self image issues due to things in my past. I didnt like myself before and now I really hate myself. Anyone else ever go through this or have experience with someone who did. H suggested I post here again because this site has been so comforting to us both. We realize that we have a long road ahead of us because of my actions. Thx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Is this your husband? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61769-my-wife-cheated-neigboor-help-me-think.html


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

We started counseling finally which is helpful. Should have done it a longtime ago.

He hasn't been drinking for a few weeks now. He is like a new man. It's amazing.

Yes....coldworld, formerly Beer is H. I had another post on here a few days ago too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

You do have a long road ahead of you. Make sure that you are transparent with every single thing. Counseling will definitely help. As for your first post in this thread, I hate to be a stickler, but I am going to say one thing: "I cheated on my functioning alcoholic husband"...

While that might be true, it makes it appear that you are blaming your affair on his addiction. Do you see what I'm reading? Again, not trying to be a jerk, I just want you to be aware that the way you say things to your BS can honestly make the difference between him understanding you and feeling like you're blameshifting.


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

You know I was thinking that when I wrote it SomedayDig. Your right. I need to be more aware of that because I know H thinks I use it as justification. There is no justification for my actions. Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hope1964 said:


> If you two aren't already, get into counseling. Sure you may deserve it, but your husband should NOT be calling you names like that all the time. When I decided to give R an honest try, I made sure that name calling, freaking out at him, bringing it up in a blaming way, all those things were OFF the table. They have to be for true R to happen.


I disagree with you Hope. If you can’t handle getting names thrown at you... I’m not quite sure what that says about your character that THIS would be your boundary you choose AFTER the disrespect you’ve already shown your partner. I’m not sure what you would reasonably expect: “Gosh Honey, I sure am disappointed with you. Please refrain from doing that again.” (In a stern tone)? Wouldn’t that be nice..... 

It can’t go on forever..... but until your spouse has a chance to get in a better emotional state? Actually, if you look at ‘why’ you are offended so badly, doesn’t it really stem from this idea that name calling and emotional abuse isn’t what you do to people you love or what a good marriage looks like? Does sleeping with other people fit that either?... 

The marriage should reflect how it is, not how you want it to be. Screwed up, dysfunctional, with a lot of hurt and pain is how it is now. The words shouldn’t try to make it something it is not. Better learn to deal with reality and work for what you want from where you are now, instead of trying to live the fantasy of what you thing it should be. “Should have been” was changed when you broke your vows. You “should have” kept your legs closed in a marriage too. Now there is just the reality of shattered dreams and the question of what kind of relationship do you have now because it looks and feels nothing like a marriage (at least to a betrayed partner). Work toward “should” don’t expect it “just because we're still married”.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Look inside. There is no real justification for what you did, because there were other options, like leaving. You took what you thought would be an easier option. You gave up, but didn't finish your marriage. You decided to be completely selfish. You made those choices, not him. That's pretty much all you can tell him, because at the bottom of it all, that's all there is.

Will you two be able to save your marriage? Who knows? You both have to want it. You both have to forgive one another. You both have to respect one another. You both have to call the other when they try to pull some ****, or start to revert to the dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. You have to be honest, and open with each other. You both have to start really listening and considering each other's points of view, in order to be able to work out realistic, meaningful compromises.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I disagree racer. One party cannot have carte blanche to disrespect and run down the other party at any opportunity. Not if you want the marriage to be strong and healthy. That takes 2 whole, healthy people. 

I'm not saying people can't occasionally lose their cool, we're all human, but it cannot become a habitual, normal part of the marriage. If the BS cannot respect their spouse, there cannot be reconciliation. 

Sometimes you fake it til you make it. Thoughts can follow actions, so you do it and you start to feel it. Whatever works, if you really want to reconcile.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Racer said:


> I disagree with you Hope. If you can’t handle getting names thrown at you... I’m not quite sure what that says about your character that THIS would be your boundary you choose AFTER the disrespect you’ve already shown your partner.


What I did had nothing to do with what he could or couldn't handle, or him at all, really. I adopted that attitude for ME. Not for him. And only once I decided to R.

Don't get me wrong - I did my fair share of swearing at him at first. I guess the length of time since D day matters here. How long has it been since he found out, baddecisions?


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

This all came out a few weeks ago. Since then he has asked the same questions on repeat every day. Not only that, he says inappropriate things about the situation in front of the kids. I'm totally in the wrong and I accept 100% responsibility for my actions. I just have a hard time with fights being started in front of the kids. Our adult issues should be kept between us. Last night we had one of those arguments. He asks me the same questions, I answer them, he gets angry, starts calling me names in front of the kids, I walk away, he follows me, the kids follow us, and it continues. Last night the kids shut the door saying "daddy stop yelling and being mean to mommy". I know I destroyed our marriage and caused all this. Just wish he could keep the anger toward me only. If this keeps up, I'm not sure we should be staying in the same house. Don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> This all came out a few weeks ago. Since then he has asked the same questions on repeat every day. Not only that, he says inappropriate things about the situation in front of the kids. I'm totally in the wrong and I accept 100% responsibility for my actions. I just have a hard time with fights being started in front of the kids. Our adult issues should be kept between us. Last night we had one of those arguments. He asks me the same questions, I answer them, he gets angry, starts calling me names in front of the kids, I walk away, he follows me, the kids follow us, and it continues. Last night the kids shut the door saying "daddy stop yelling and being mean to mommy". I know I destroyed our marriage and caused all this. Just wish he could keep the anger toward me only. If this keeps up, I'm not sure we should be staying in the same house. Don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is fighting 2 demons now you and the alcohol please give some time as long as it does not become physical.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You cheated, you leave. You're right, your kids don't need this.

I take back the MC recommendation. Get into IC and figure out why you did what you did.

Later, MC will be needed, if your husband wants you back. If he doesn't, then you made your bed.


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

I would leave but I need to care for the kids. I don't want to take them away from their father any worse than I already have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I get what you're talking about, but it's not productive thinking. It's not our screw ups that define us, it's what we do about them that does. Everyone screws up, everyone makes bad decisions (not to say everyone cheats) but not everyone stands up to be held accountable and pay their dues. Not everyone will turn and face the music. So accept that you made some very bad decisions, do your best to put it back to right, and learn from it. Use it to improve yourself, you might as well get something out of all this pain.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> he says inappropriate things about the situation in front of the kids. I'm totally in the wrong and I accept 100% responsibility for my actions. I just have a hard time with fights being started in front of the kids. Our adult issues should be kept between us. Last night we had one of those arguments. He asks me the same questions, I answer them, he gets angry, starts calling me names in front of the kids, I walk away, he follows me, the kids follow us, and it continues. Last night the kids shut the door saying "daddy stop yelling and being mean to mommy".


It's simply unacceptable. No grey areas anywhere. *Unacceptable.*
The very moment he start lashing out in front of the kids you remove them AND yourself from the situation. Period.

Beyond the natural anger because your cheating he find himself without his usual coping method for everything: booze. He need to learn different, healthy coping skills. And appropiate outlest for anger. Purshase a punching bag and hang it at the garage.

Now, my friend. He's angry, grow a thicker Skin, it's just the pain talking. Picture a trapped animal. See through his words and see the pain. If things get heated, too much to bear you ask him: what's your goal? If he doesn't stop to think and change you remove yourself from the situation again. The aftermath of affairs are something very strange: you find yourslef here because you lacked boundaires, your goal is self respect, to build solid, healthy boundaires... but understand you must be a little flexible for a while. It should come from a place of empathy, compassion (sharing the pain, literally). But don't forget the final goal, think hard your limits so this situation don't become an permanent abusive situation.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> I would leave but I need to care for the kids. I don't want to take them away from their father any worse than I already have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But he is not himself. Do not let these be the memories of their dad. This is not helping anyone, mostly the kids.

Go to MC and fight it out there.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

As much as I'm filled with anger over what Regret did to me...a 5 year long affair...there is no way any of that comes out in front of our two children. They're 10 & 7. In no way shape or form do they need to be or deserve to be exposed to the nature of infidelity from either party.

If he is angry, and I can tell you I understand his anger...but he can't control his anger - your CHILDREN deserve better and do NOT deserve to be witness to adult behavior as such.

I don't give a rat's a$$ what it takes, but you need to get yourself and those innocent children OUT of there ASAP.

Then, when you two can become adults about this situation and figure out whether either of ya's wanna be together with the other, well...THEN you can think about bringing the kids back with their Dad. 

I'll fight for a BS's rights all f'ng day long. Until this kind of crap happens, then I don't give a sh-t who's right or who's wrong. I care about the innocence of children. Period. And that comes from someone who had to witness this crap from age 3 til age 18 when I left the house. I'm gonna be 45 in a couple months. I remember that crap like it was yesterday.

THEY don't deserve it. Period.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are right. you should have kept your issues between you two, but you thought it would be a great idea to bring someone else into the mix, and now it's ripping everything apart in unimaginable ways. Well, not really unimaginable, they're pretty obvious if you'd have taken 2 seconds to think about consequences. As to what to do, I'd say for now you and the kids have to get out and get safe. At least until your husband can get control of his anger. What other choice do you have?


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You need to go NC with the OM. As long as you live next door to the OM there will never be NC.

You must sell and move far away from the OM ASAP.

Tell your BH that you are not hiding the truth about the affair. You will answer all of his questions truthfully. Though you will no longer talk about the affair in front of the kids any more.

That you understand that right now he can't control his need to verbally attack you but this also can no longer happen in front of the kids.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley, ASAP.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

baddecisions said:


> Thx for the advice. It's such a hard time because H asks me for answers daily and at this point I don't have clear answers to rationalize my actions. That causes daily fights with H. Some days he is sad and some days he calls me trash ***** and lots of other things. He has the right to hate me but I'm starting to really believe those things he says. That I'm a useless piece of trash. Sometimes I don't know what my purpose is in life. I can't get mad at him for saying those things because I deserve it. It's just hard to not fully believe his words.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's mad and upset.
Decide your purpose is to be the best wife and mother you can be. Understand he is mad, hurt, angry and will spew this frequently. All you can do is focus on your future and your daily actions.


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

We had a long discussion last night about everything. It went as well as possible and we both agreed that these conversations cannot take place in front of the kids. I let him know that we would have to live separately if that continued to happen. I also let him know that I'm not saying his anger is wrong, he can express anger to me to let his feelings out. Whatever makes him feel better as long as the kids are not around. We both agreed that the kids take priority over all our problems. It was a great talk and I'm happy he felt better after. One day at a time. I'm doing everything he asks of me because I love him and hate myself for the selfish things or done. Thanks for listening
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He is emotionally broken at this point and the one person he trusted to always have his back instead chose to betray him.

I can't help but wonder if your affair didn't have a deliberate to hurt him element that you had become so resentful if his drinking that you sought out the one act that would truly cut him deeply, only you didn't count on just his deep and permanently it would wound him.

You do need to move. His seeing the OMs house every day, never knowing for sure if the OM and you decided to have a quickie that day or after a fight in future is going to eat at him.

He does need to deal with the anger had its not ok in front of the kids.


----------



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Your right. We are working on moving ASAP. It's better for both our families.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

