# Struggling to Survive



## Amanda McLeod (Mar 22, 2017)

Hello Everyone,
I'm new to this forum, but I really need some advice. My husband and I got married 2 yrs ago, we had just gotten engaged when I lost my job, and I needed to have a surgery. So, we gave up or wedding and home we were going to buy and moved back in with my family. After 6 months of waiting for the right specialist I finally had the surgery, but the pain and damage to my body took a significant toll. I still do have back problems, and because I walked around with untreated hypertension (doctors knew) I have a heart condition now. Anyway, I decided after everything to go back to school and finishing my nursing degree as my prior bachelors wasn't really helping me.

I started nursing school over a year ago, the challenging schedule is beyond stressful. Something my husband seems a little aloof too. Anyway, financially I need to start working full time again, so now I work 40-50 hrs a week, full time nursing school etc. 

In December of 2016, my husband was in a rollover accident and experienced a head injury. Was taken to the wrong hospital (were things meant miserably wrong) and he went into respiratory arrest due to a med error. I heard the code blue go out and I ran down to where he was and ended up having to administer Narcan myself. We have been dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, pain medication changes (diagnosed with an autoimmune disease prior to accident and was put on chemotherapy meds which made him super sick, thus he was sick at the time of his accident and blacked out). Right after the accident, he was suicidal. I have gotten him into therapy and on medications and it seems he is becoming more stable, but still has little snaps. 

I'm so upset that all of this has happened, it's been 2 yrs of hell. Some of these incidences could have been avoided if my husband would have chosen not to go night-shift after I begged him not too, which has further divided us. 

I'm trying to pick up the pieces, but I have an ex coming back into my life, making offers, of which I said no but for a few seconds it was tempting. I don't want to have an affair, cause he isn't the best guy ever. When we dated years ago he forgot the wife and two kids. Whoops! I know is for his ego, and he could care less about me, loves playing mind games.

Please someone tell me this gets better! I love my husband we are getting help and going to counseling, but right now all I see is the negative dark hole of family intrusiveness (us living with my parents), fighting and not having a real relationship. We have had some small improvements but we still have a long road. I know I married for better or worse, right now is WORSE. I just want to know what others have tried that may make things better. 

Please I'm not going to cheat, I don't think I'm better than my husband or all knowing. Please be considerate when responding. 

Sorry for the long post! 

Thank you,


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Amanda McLeod said:


> Some of these incidences could have been avoided if my husband only listens and didn't go to nightshirt, which has further divided us.
> 
> I'm trying to pick up the pieces, but I have an ex coming back into my life, making offers that I have pondered. I don't want to have an affair, cause he isn't the best guy ever. When we dated years ago he forgot the wife and two kids. Whoops! I know is for his ego, and he could care less about me, loves playing mind games. But to me he is my security blanket and someone to talk to.


Welcome to TAM. 

What do you mean by if your husband only listens and didn't go nightshirt? Can you clarify this? 

Talking to this "Ex" isn't helping your marriage situation. Cut off all contact with him now. If you really are wanting to improve the marriage, it can NOT be done while you're chatting it up with someone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Amanda McLeod did you make your post on a smartphone which decided to change nightschool for nightshirt? 

Happens to me all the darn time!

I have hypertension. In fact you have reminded me to check my blood pressure, so thanks for that. 

What heart condition do you have? Is it, by any chance, Supraventricular Tachycardia? If so, I have that, it's not such a big deal. Mostly.

You seem like the kind of person who wants to do the right thing.

So please do not cheat on your husband.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> @Amanda McLeod did you make your post on a smartphone which decided to change nightschool for nightshirt?
> 
> Happens to me all the darn time!
> 
> ...



I agree, but there is a point where she has o learn to martyr herself if her husband does not improve either. She will end up as a caretaker. The insidiousness of poor mental health, it acts like a black hole, dragging everything around it. Better to divorce and lose the complications although the emotions of it is still complex.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I can never understand how somebody can get mad at their significant other for getting sick? You got married for better or for worse. It sounds like something that you could probably talk about in MC together and get IC to air out your grievances. 

Also, do NOT continue to talk with this OM. He already has a bad track record of loose morals. You do not need moral support from such a person. He will only drag you down. Cut it off with him and talk to your husband.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Amanda McLeod Welcome to TAM, but sorry to hear of the troubles that have brought you here.

You and your H are clearly going through the worse part of "for better or worse" right now.

First off, stay away from your ex! Unless you WANT to explode your marriage. Because involvement with this ex will certainly destroy your marriage, which is clearly in a fragile state at the moment. You said yourself that he is manipulative, and if you use him to lean on emotionally, 1) he will take advantage of that; and 2) you will be engaging in an emotional affair. If you are struggling, if there are problems in your marriage, you need to be talking to your husband and/or your therapist about these things. NOT an ex-boyfriend who also happens to be a crappy person. If you love your husband, you have to go no contact with this ex.

Your husband _just_ had this accident a few months ago. It take time to recover, and when it comes to head injuries, sometimes people are never back exactly the way that they were before. You say that he is improving. You're going to have to be patient. This type of thing takes time. How long did it take you to recover from your medical issues? He stuck by you all that time. 

You wrote, _*Some of these incidences could have been avoided if my husband only listens...*_ Listens to whom? To you? Because you think you always know better? Even if you do know better all the time (which no one does), your husband is an autonomous human being, and he gets to make his own decisions. You made the choice to marry him, so you get to live with the choices he makes. You don't get to control him. You can't control him. You can't control anyone. The only thing you CAN control is how you act and react. Did he listen to you before you guys got married? Did you expect that to change after you got married? Because people don't usually change, especially when that change involves bending yourself to someone else's will. Unless your husband makes genuinely stupid, knucklehead decisions, you have to respect his autonomy and ability to make decisions for himself. But if he's making decisions and not considering how it will affect both of you, maybe you need to re-think how you communicate with him about these decisions. Perhaps he isn't listening because of the way you are communicating with him; how you convey a message is frequently more important than the actual message. This is something that you can talk to your therapist about.

The statement above also sounds like you are blaming your husband for a lot of what has happened. This is very bad for your relationship. Look, maybe some of these things are his fault. But I'm going to guess that, if we're casting blame here, that there are some things that could be pinned on you, too. Listen, people are human. They make mistakes. We all make mistakes. You need to let go of the blame and forgive him for whatever mistakes he's made if the two of you are ever going to move forward. I just hope that your H is the type of person who learns from his mistakes.

You make reference to family intrusions and fights at the end of your post. Can you elaborate more on those? What are the family intrusions? And what are you guys fighting about, and how often?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I understand how it is to have alot of things go wrong all at the same time. I've been there alot of times myself. It would seem that alot of the stress you're under would be alleviated if you would put off nursing school a little while longer when things get better health wise for both you and your H and also your marriage. Take care of your health first, it will make nursing school alot better. Also, don't contact your ex. You even said yourself he's not the best person and this could contribute greatly to your already long list of problems. Instead take care of your husband and your marriage.


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## Amanda McLeod (Mar 22, 2017)

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I meant to say that he works nightshift. I begged and pleaded with him not to go to nightshift as I worked in the same world he does and I got placed there before switching career paths. I know what a detriment it can be on a marriage, you never see each other. The running joke was you either wanted to get away from command staff or a spouse on midnights. I don't blame him necessarily for everything, but if we would have talked about things prior to him making and executive decisions that impacts it would have been much better. We are going to counseling, but I'm just frustrated and burnt out. 

I did sign on for better or for worse, why I cut off the ex when he starting popping back up. Yet, continues to message me. The problem is, if I block everything he has a tendency of just stopping by. This guy is an jerk, I KNOW IT. I will not cheat, I honestly don't think I could bring myself to go through with it. 

Right now, I'm just trying to survive everyday. I'm not trying to blame my husband for his accident, I know it wasn't his fault, he didn't mean for any of this to happen. But I believe he is responsible for the decisions he makes. Its not the fact I think I'm right all the time (maybe is used the incorrect verbiage in my original post, please understand I only go on about 4 hrs. of sleep each night), certainly not the case. 

My goal of this post was to see what other people have done in similar scenarios that might have worked for them. Getting critiqued on "well you said" is not the goal. 

I have LVH, left ventricular hypertrophy basically my left ventricle is enlarged. 

Thank you for all your advise and assistance.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Amanda McLeod -- I see what you're saying about the night shift. In his mind, he's probably thinking that it will be helpful for you guys (more money, right?), whereas, you see the time away as hurting your relationship. So you can either live with this in the short term, and be more intentional about making time for one another, or you can talk to him about this again and explain exactly how him work the night shift is detrimental to the relationship.

Regarding your ex: Document all the times he's contacted you. The next time that he contacts you, tell him (in writing) that he is no longer to contact you and he is not to come to your house, and if he does, you will consider it harassment, and you will file a restraining order with the police. (Any lawyers on TAM who can assist with the wording?) Because, seriously, if the ex won't leave you alone, it IS harassment, and you do have legal recourse. You don't have to put up with that.

Can you tell us more about the "family intrusions" and what you guys are actually fighting about?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Could you ask your husband to ask this man to leave you alone?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Amanda McLeod said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> Thank you for your responses. I meant to say that he works nightshift. I begged and pleaded with him not to go to nightshift as I worked in the same world he does and I got placed there before switching career paths. I know what a detriment it can be on a marriage, you never see each other. The running joke was you either wanted to get away from command staff or a spouse on midnights. I don't blame him necessarily for everything, but if we would have talked about things prior to him making and executive decisions that impacts it would have been much better. We are going to counseling, but I'm just frustrated and burnt out.
> 
> ...


First - (((cyber hugs))) to you, you are going through so much.

Regarding the night shift - not only is it hard on marriage, it's hard on mental health in general. There are all kinds of studies showing that people who work night shifts have higher suicide rates and higher rates of other mental illnesses.

Living with family must also put a strain on things.

My Advice:
Check out these "basic concepts" from the marriagebuilders site: A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

What your husband did in taking a night shift not only without consulting with you, but even knowing it was against your wishes falls under Independent Behavior under Love Busters in the basic concepts above. 

A spouse who wants a good marriage should not be making decisions that affect you both, without the other spouses enthusiastic agreement. So you have a good reason to feel resentful. However, most people don't instinctively understand this, and assuming you're American, we have a very "independent" culture, so your H probably was not trying to hurt you, he just wanted to work the night shift job and figured he's an adult, he can decide for himself, end of subject.

If you can learn the marriage builder's concepts and get him on board too, neither of you will be doing this type of thing to the other and that will really help. I'd check out the Love Busters part right away, but all their stuff is really good. And probably a lot cheaper than a counselor.

For the rest, what a nightmare. Just remember this is not a permanent situation. One thing that makes me feel a lot better about the present is to talk with my husband and make plans for the future, when I can see our future goal and the progress we're making toward it, I am able to survive my current living situation better. Maybe that would help you too. I know this is not where you thought you would be at this time, but it is temporary. If you can get back to a loving marriage with future plans, hopefully things will start to look up.

I haven't read everything in this thread yet - is your husband able to work now? If not, should he be able to in the future?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

m00nman said:


> I can never understand how somebody can get mad at their significant other for getting sick?


What if that sickness is self inflicted? Like diabetese due to poor diet, or lung cancer due to smoking? Or a brain injury due to an accident due to an illness induced or exacerbated by unnecessarily working night shifts?

I don't think I would leave my spouse over that, but I can understand being angry. Especially if the conditions/behaviors that caused the illness were not present before we married and they took them up against my wishes.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> @Amanda McLeod
> You wrote, _*Some of these incidences could have been avoided if my husband only listens...*_ Listens to whom? To you? Because you think you always know better? Even if you do know better all the time (which no one does), your husband is an autonomous human being, and he gets to make his own decisions.


Her husband is also a married man and his career choice affects both of them. No one wants their spouse giving them "advice" all the time, trying to fix them. But choosing to take a job with hours that separate you from your spouse and come with well documented health risks when you spouse has begged you not to, and you can be employed elsewhere, seems like the kind of autonomy a single person enjoys, but not a married one.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Her husband is also a married man and his career choice affects both of them. No one wants their spouse giving them "advice" all the time, trying to fix them. But choosing to take a job with hours that separate you from your spouse and come with well documented health risks when you spouse has begged you not to, and you can be employed elsewhere, seems like the kind of autonomy a single person enjoys, but not a married one.


Yes, you're correct, of course... the original post made it sound like the OP might have an "it's my way or the highway" attitude. I was trying to get a better handle on if it was the OP trying to control her H, or if it was the H acting like he was single in making his decisions (the love-busting independence of which you speak).


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## Amanda McLeod (Mar 22, 2017)

Hello,
You 
Most of our fights are about communication. He tends to let things build up then has an explosion which he is working on with the therapist. He gets frustrated with the pessimistic attitude I have had I tend to carry work and school worries home which is my fault. 

Also, my mother is difficult to say the least. She can be very abrasive and abrupt, bossy, and sticks her nose in things she shouldn't. Lastly his work schedule, which right now he stuck but trying to transfer. Also, our puppy is a stressor.

He is back to work on light duty. But still stuck on the same shift @ Workingwife, thank you so much for the suggestion I will look into "the basics"

I wish I could get rid of this guy, I have been very honest with my husband about him and what he says, we actually joke about it. The problem is he is the police. ? My husband calls me his binky. Lol. 

We will get through this, somehow 

Sorry, I don't know how to respond individually.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Yes, you're correct, of course... the original post made it sound like the OP might have an "it's my way or the highway" attitude. I was trying to get a better handle on if it was the OP trying to control her H, or if it was the H acting like he was single in making his decisions (the love-busting independence of which you speak).


Yeah, some of the language like "If he would just listen to me" (paraphrasing) sounded like she might be constantly trying to control him or run the "I told you so" routine on him. The one example she gave seemed legit though.


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## Amanda McLeod (Mar 22, 2017)

I understand, no I do not set my husband or a schedule or control him. After this mess and in the mist of major depression, he went and bought a 50k truck. I knew nothing about it, but I said we will figure out a way to pay for it. He can go out with friends, do whatever. He is goes to vehicle clubs stuff while I'm at school I encourage him to go snowboarding and get out. It's just when it comes to certain things like doctors appointments, taking the night shift schedule.... I have been down this road I worked law enforcement for years and I was on midnights. I saw what it did to my coworkers marriage and I was trying to prevent it. Like I had to call around and find him a specialist for his psoriatic arthritis that finally got diagnosed (he fought me the whole way). When it's not something that he either wants, worries about or wants to fiddle, the stubborn comes out. I lived I a house where it was "do as I say and not as I do" and I try very hard to refrain from that attitude neither one of us puts limits on the other.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Amanda McLeod said:


> I understand, no I do not set my husband or a schedule or control him. After this mess and in the mist of major depression, he went and bought a 50k truck. I knew nothing about it, but I said we will figure out a way to pay for it.


Thats sort of enabling dontchya think? Maybe you should say "That was reckless and irresponsible. You better find a way to pay for that otherwise we're going to sell it for whatever we can get and cut our losses". 

Some people NEED limits.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

OK, I think I have a clearer picture. It's not much prettier but your husband made a poor choice buying that truck. As for the ex, if he's a cop then I don't know what to tell you. I've known a few and keep a wide berth because they think the rules don't apply to them. If you can't brush him off without using his status to invade your privacy then you should at least be very careful what you say to him. You have enough problems.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

As an aside OP you might want to ask a Moderator to change your username. If that is your actual name you may be giving away traceable personal information here.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> What if that sickness is self inflicted? Like diabetese due to poor diet, or lung cancer due to smoking? Or a brain injury due to an accident due to an illness induced or exacerbated by unnecessarily working night shifts?
> 
> I don't think I would leave my spouse over that, but I can understand being angry. Especially if the conditions/behaviors that caused the illness were not present before we married and they took them up against my wishes.


I can understand being frustrated if the husband were going against the advice of his doctor, but I still don't think anger is justified. You're talking about issues that are not solely dependent on behavior but also encompass addiction and heredity. 

OTOH buying a $50K truck after getting out of the hospital when you're already living with your parents when money is already tight? For that I could see being angry.


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