# EA and a serious mistake! how to deal with this



## cashius (May 4, 2012)

Not sure where to even start with this story or question or this could be just a vent as I'm currently at work and the thoughts of everything are just huanting me and the sadness and guilty and just pain has all crept in. When I say pain I mean the one that I saw that I had caused her as I am feeling exteremely bad for hurting her and the pain that I'm also feeling for losing my relationship as well.


we are also in our 20's im 22 and she is 24. We had been going through a rough time in our relationship with all the arugments that were goign on the lack of proper communication definitely went out the window for a long while. It literally felt as if were on a ticking timeline, I will admit much of the arguments had stemmed from me because I was having a hard time dealing with being depressed and just in a rut on life really. Though it was hard being critized about this everyday as she is a very happy go lucky kind of individual. Because the lack of communication was there and so much resentment had been built up and up in the air between us simply, it felt as if sometimes we were breaking up and making up for 2 to 3 week periods. Very unhealthy and not knowing how to be an adult about this and sit down have a conversation whether we should be together or not I looked for emotional comfort elsewhere. At work I had conversations with a coworker off the opposite sex gradually that turned into more on a regular basis where we were talking through this instant messanger and taking breaks together. I sough comfort from this girl and really didn't think too much of it.. There was definitely flirting going on around the office area.

we even exchanged numbers as well and there was texting exchanged as well and flitacious ones as well. at the time I thought it made me feel good because everything was going so wrong in my relationship. however I did realize what I was doing was wrong and stopped it told the girl that I needed to stop this as it was getting out of hand and hadn't actually talked to her for a few weeks. I however never told this to my girlfriend and this girl did know that i had a girlfriend as well. so it was all in the open between the girl and myself.

This is where everything went down... my girlfriend saw the text from this girl saying how she misses talking to me and and misses me as well. It was really bad, i tried denying anything that she was asking about (totally wrong i know but i panicked simply because we had started really getting along and working on our relationship past 3 weeks and i didn't want to risk losing her over this) 

i ended up lying initally and only when i felt like i was under pressure i did fess up and let her know the truth. I had been feelign horrible about how i acted but what i felt even wors about was lying to her and hurting her like this. I wish i could take it back and do right by her but she just wont look past this i dont need her forgiveness now or anytime soon i just wish i had the chance to prove to her that it was a mistake an didn't mean what she currently assumes.

I spent the night apologize and saying how sorry i am and pleading and begging her to give me a chance but she will have not of it. she says she is moving out in a week or two till she gets her place and will litterally leave my life entirely.. 

i know it was wrong to do what i had done and i own up to that but how is a person supposed to let someone know how much of a mistake it was when there is no chance to show that?

She tells me that there is nothing that I can do to change her mind or change how she feels for me at the moment which is total hatred..

I'm not sure what to do anymore?

I really don't want to do the whole NC thing it's just really hard at the moment as i know how i messed up and would love to do anything i can to get her to understand at least in the slighest bit so that i could show her how much i love her.. 

i of course just now tried calling her and it sucks because i will have to see her at home and will of course want to run and apologize and begg for her to be with me...

to those that have been through this is there hope that one day your guilt of hurting the other person be gone or that it will fade or something.. 

and i apologize this may seem less serious than majority of the stories in this section but this is a life lesson that i will make sure i do not repeat in life again.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

cashius said:


> She tells me that there is nothing that I can do to change her mind or change how she feels for me at the moment which is total hatred..
> 
> I'm not sure what to do anymore?


She says it's over. Respect her wishes and leave her be.

There is nothing you can do except lick your self inflicted wounds and move on with your life.

Between you and me I don't really think you screwed up all that bad, you were fighting a lot, you found someone to confide in, it never got sexual and you stopped it before it really developed into something.

Your girlfriend is being rigid and closeminded and if she's going to cut you out of her life that easiily then she was probably half way out the door anyway, this wasn't the reason it was just the final straw. It might not even have been the final straw she might have been done anyway and this is just an excuse so she can pin all the blame on you.

Regardless, the net result is the same. You tried to fix it, she doesn't want any part of it, let her go and stop contacting her. Perhaps when you give up she'll come around, maybe not but you have no other choice.


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## cashius (May 4, 2012)

thank you for your words kindi, it makes sense what you are saying, my brain at the moment is finding it hard to comprehend how someone can just up n leave. I keep thinking what if we were married and had children. Makes me wonder what that would be like if the situation was as currently it is. I also know that if it were the roles were switched around i know that i would've stayed would've been exteremly upset over the next course weeks about this but would've at least tried to work it out. but with her no nothing just makes me feel so low over the fact that i would do this and she leaves it all. 

i have tried to stop contacting her but failed miserably today. contacted her several times on the phone no call and texted, rather dumb of me, because I definitely felt like crap afterwards..

She left the house that we bought together (currently only owned by me legal// thank god other wise even bigger mess) to spend at her friends and leaves tomorrow for the weekend... leaving me even more alone to my thoughts with little to do.. 

my question here for this rant.. i know i admitted my mistakes i know how sorry i feel for what i had done, how else is a person supposed to get the point across? will the other individual just never really realize this or do they just don't care?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

You are a human, you can communicate in a few different ways. You can communicate with words, spoken or written, and with action or inaction. You can control your own behavior, but you can not control the behavior of someone else. (you can attempt it, but you will fail)

You made a mistake, we all make them, you tried to own it and make up for it, she is not interested. My gut says she will go to her friends house this weekend and attempt to "one up" you by doing something that will hurt you. You are very right to point out that it is fortunate that the house is under your name alone. The best thing you can do for yourself (other than learning that telling the truth is 99.9% the correct thing to do in all situations <does my ass look fat in these pants being that 0.01%>) is call up some of your friends and have a good time at home this weekend. 

If you want to be extra super nice, call her and ask her if she really meant what she said about not wanting to have anything to do with you, and if you should consider yourselves single. If the answer is yes, call up that co-worker and go on a date with her.

If I were in your shoes, I would go see a counselor and learn to communicate more effectively to avoid problems like this further down the line.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Communication is everything.

I even go that 0.01% further than Paladin.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Hi Cashious:

As a Betrayed spouse, I do think your gf is being a bit too rigid. 

If you cut off contact with OW and are trying to communicate she should give you a second chance. 

if she does, you need to be on good behavior otherwise discovery of other infractions is like a second d day an brings the Betrayed person back to day one. 

I forgave my husband, but he contacted the OW again to ensure that her husband hadn't found out and hurt her. 

That made me feel that he cared about her wellbeing more than mine. 

He also ran into her three months later, she called him over and like an Ass, he went over and talked to her and asked her how her holidays were. WTF? 

I forgave him again, and started to work on things, the relationship was going well. We were both more kind to each other and working on things. 

Than I get another anonymous letter with a photo of him at a gentlemen's club. 

I separated from him after that. I would have to be a fool to forgive him again, if he's not willing to do any work to make me feel safe again. 

Your gf does not feel safe with you. You need to find a way to help her feel safe. 

Are you blaming her? Don't do that, even if she does share some blame. That can come out later in counseling. 

An affair is never the appropriate response to relationship difficulties.


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## cashius (May 4, 2012)

update...

Weekend came and went, interesting update here. so saturday morning she comes home, we end up talking she tells me how she still loves me and wants to be with me, however is very angry and resentful towards what I did. which is understandable i would feel the same if i were in her shoes.

So she tells me that she want's us to work out but needs space to gather her thoughts and clear her mind due to all of the emotions being so present. so with that being said she asked for space and has said that she wants to take a week to herself with no contact from me and just away from everything thats been going on. and then she wants us to meet up at the end of week and see where she wants her life to go and our relationship.

How does someone approach such a thing? i have never been in a situation where someone asks for space.. liek this

i always assumed it was to ease the idea of not being with the other person or just make the break up even easier.


@sara8-"Your gf does not feel safe with you. You need to find a way to help her feel safe" you are right about this this is one of the things that stood out to me in your post because she commented on this as well. btw thank you for your time in responding to my post muc appreaciated.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cashius said:


> update...
> 
> Weekend came and went, interesting update here. so saturday morning she comes home, we end up talking she tells me how she still loves me and wants to be with me, however is very angry and resentful towards what I did. which is understandable i would feel the same if i were in her shoes.
> 
> ...


Cashious:

Tell her you wish she would stay. Again express remorse and sorrow. Tell her you would feel the same, as you did. Say it again and again. 

Tell her she can have some space if she wishes, but you would prefer that you two stayed close together. 

Asking for space is not always a way to ease into divorce or breaking up, a betrayed spouse needs space to get away from triggers so they can think straight. 

A cheating spouse is a major trigger, even when remorseful. 

Can you afford to take her on a vacation instead for that week.....? If so, offer to do that instead.


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## cashius (May 4, 2012)

I expressed this last night of wanting her to stay and expressed how geniunely remorseful i was that i did this to her and our relaionship. to no avail.

I did what she wanted gave her the space she was asking for. I didn't know what else to do because i felt liek this was the only other thing that i could do for her to let her know i care for her and us and if this was going to either help her or us i was going to do it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cashius said:


> I expressed this last night of wanting her to stay and expressed how geniunely remorseful i was that i did this to her and our relaionship. to no avail.
> 
> I did what she wanted gave her the space she was asking for. I didn't know what else to do because i felt liek this was the only other thing that i could do for her to let her know i care for her and us and if this was going to either help her or us i was going to do it.


I am sorry you are going through this Cashius. 

I am glad you did all that you said. 

My feeling is that she will be back. She is wounded and needs to regain her pride. 

A marriage counselor was once quoted as saying that if mid life crisis men knew how damaging an affair was going to be to their marriages, they would by the car and forget the affair. 

Same goes for woman, too. 

Cheating is so damaging to a relationship. That is why although I am flirted with frequently, I always made sure the person knew I was happily married.


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## cashius (May 4, 2012)

isn't that the truth in regards to what that marriage counselor stated.

i will try my best to be patient with what's going to happen. and continue day to day for the time being. thank you for your help sara8


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