# ok this warrants a new thread WTF



## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

What the crap am I supposed to do with this email I just got tonight from her.

"When we met a few Tuesdays ago, you apologized for a lot of the things you did wrong in the marriage. I would like to do the same. I know that the work you do is extremely important and meaningful to you and I'm sorry for invalidating that, which I know I especially did at the beginning of the marriage. I know it is/was very important for you to be able to feel like you were providing for your family, and I'm sorry that I didn't let you have that, and encourage you more in that. I'm sorry that my libido slowed after we got married. I know it's likely that a big part of the strain to our emotional intimacy was due to a strain in our physical intimacy. The two absolutely affect each other, and unfortunately, both of them were on a downward slope from the time we got married. I'm sorry I didn't work harder at figuring out how to mend the sexual intimacy part of our marriage. I'm also sorry that I was always so disconnected from my emotions. I'm sorry that I wasn't better able to know what it was I needed/wanted and be able to share that with you. I'm sorry that I let myself grow distant from you without realizing it, sharing it with you, or trying to fix it. I'm sorry for developing in my individual life rather than developing together in our lives. I’m sorry for having questioned our marriage and for not making you feel like number one in my life.

These past few weeks have been very difficult for me. I question the choice I'm making every moment of every day. I hate that our lives have come to this. The day I married you I never thought that this would happen to us. I care for you greatly and hate hurting you. You've been the most important person in my life for over 10 years and it's very difficult to lose that. I know you feel all of those things too and I’m so sorry to do this to you when you would have continued working on your marriage to me until the day you died.

Part of what has been most difficult on me is not knowing if these emotions I feel are accurate. For my entire adolescent and adult life, my feelings have been validated, or often times even explained by you. I realize now that this was, unfortunately, to my, and thus our detriment. I feel like I wasn't able to fully develop my own understanding of my emotions. So right now, to have you so strongly believe and feel that we should be together, but have me not feeling it, and not knowing what to believe is very, very hard. I feel like if I came back to you, I would just be doing the same thing again, and that I could never be happy and content with myself. I was hoping I could figure all that out over the past 6 months, but all I've figured out is that I am not certain about anything. The only thing I can know is how I feel, and how I feel says that it’s not right for me to stay in the marriage.

I have been looking for a new place to stay because I don't like the place I'm at. It's hard living with someone that you don't like or care about. (THIS REFERS THE THE 40 ISH SOMETHING MAN SHE LIVES WITH NOW THAT SHE IS RENTING A ROOM FROM) I found a place that should be really good for me. It's a set-up kind of like Wendy ( THIS IS HER SISTER) has with a tiny house/apartment on a piece of property with a larger house. The couple who lives in the house are older and actually have other houses in both Hawaii and at the beach, so will hardly ever be there anyway. They said I could have the run of the yard, which includes quite a few raised beds. The thing I wanted to let you know, is that it's a year-long lease. It was an extremely difficult decision for me to make, just because it seems so permanent, but I think it's what I need to do. I had to put my last place of residence and landlord on the application, which of course was your dad. I'm sorry. But I wanted the news to come from me rather than from this random lady that you haven’t met.

I wish there was something I could do to make your life happier. I’m so sorry that the person you married turned out to be different from what you had in mind. I hate that I did that to you."

i need some advice right now. Should I do nothing. Should I do something. WTF


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do nothing. Sleep on it.

She's been thinking and this just happens. But do nothing for a day or two. Chew on it a bit.


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

This is more emotion than she has showed me in six months. What does this mean. Is she saying goodbye or should I keep trying. I am freaking out right now. Should I bash my head in or love her. I truly don't understand this email.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It means she has been thinking and wanted to tell you these things. I know you are freaking out, which is why I suggested to sleep on it and just chill as much as you can before you reply...if you reply.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree sleep on it. 

To me it reads as she has done a lot of thinking and self discovery. She is doing the right thing by apologising and exiting the marriage with some dignity.
She cares about you but has made it clear that the marriage is over at that at least for now she has no intent on coming back.

I would take it for what it is, an apology. Be thankful she has given you some closure and has taken responsibility for her part in the ending of the marriage.


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

From this email. Tell me again why my marriage cannot work. Nothing in there is inforgivable jeez. I hate my life. Wonderfull woman that cannot figure her crap out..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Exes have this way of coming back into our lives at the exact moment where we don't want them to. We may be doing better, pluggin along, making new habits and then BAM! There they are. Right in our faces. All of our progress is lost.

It's the holidays, she's 'thinking'. Things are hitting her. It happens to a TON of people every year who call up exes, etc, and want to talk. It's kinda selfish, in a way, because it's about how THEY feel and THEM feeling better about what they've done.

In the meantime, it leaves YOU reeling and freaking out...and that's pointless because she doesn't want you back. So, in a way, this email (while it is good closure and what you want/need to hear maybe) is crap. It's all about her impulses because she may be reminiscing about the past holidays.

Sleep. Things always look better/different the next day. Breathe and know that while this letter is confusing and sweet, it's also pretty selfish. She either didn't think what it would do to you and your progress, OR she knew exactly what it would do and decided to send it anyway.

I'm just speaking from experience as a woman. A woman who once had plenty of issues and did some pretty crappy things. We are usually not stupid or naive...and that's the disappointing part.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You marriage cannot work because she is not taking responsibility for anything. Re-read the email…

For example she said “I'm sorry that my libido slowed after we got married. … I'm sorry I didn't work harder at figuring out how to mend the sexual intimacy part of our marriage. I'm also sorry that I was always so disconnected from my emotions.”

That’s not good enough. It’s not taking responsibility. She talks about these as if they are things disassociated from her, things that she had no control over. She may as well be saying “I’m sorry that I went bald”.

The fact is that she had 100% control over all of the things she listed. So why does she seem so removed and take no responsibility for what she actually did.

She did not take care of your marriage and relationship… why?

Then she puts the ultimate blame on you…”Part of what has been most difficult on me is not knowing if these emotions I feel are accurate. For my entire adolescent and adult life, my feelings have been validated, or often times even explained by you.”

So you see it’s all YOUR FAULT. You caused this because of the above.

The email is an empty ‘acknowledgement’ of what she lists as having done wrong but it does not even touch on the why and the responsibility.

In reading it what comes to mind is that she did not do the things like work on the relationship, the sexual issues, etc because she just could care less. She chose, and continues, to choose to not care.

This is a woman who will never be happy anywhere because she chooses to not be engaged in life.

I agree that you need to sleep on this. Do not react to it for a few days. You really do need to read, re-read and discuss this email to get other opinions. Responding it going to be hard because she really gave you nothing here except that she did not care about your marriage while going through it, that you are to blame for her not maturing enough to know her own feeling/thoughts/etc and that if it turns out that her choice to leave was wrong… well you are to blame for that too …


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Thanks guys and gals.

I have not responded to this right now and will sleep on this. I feel like this is just another way of saying this is my fault. Crap I still feel low though. Thanks for getting me through today. Tomorrow is another day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

striker711 said:


> Thanks guys and gals.
> 
> I have not responded to this right now and will sleep on this. I feel like this is just another way of saying this is my fault. Crap I still feel low though. Thanks for getting me through today. Tomorrow is another day.


Tomorrow is indeed another day. The way through this is right through the middle of it, one day at a time. It sucks but you will make it.

If you want to contemplate responding... tell her it is good that she is seeing her contributions to the issues the two of you have had. Then ask her why she made the choice to not do the things that she said she did not do. And why she puts off all responsibility for her not maturing into a person who knows what she feels/wants.

If she's open to thinking deeper into this then we will learn something trying to answer that. If she is not open to growing as a person then she will be stuck blaming her failures on you.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

striker711 said:


> Thanks guys and gals.
> 
> I have not responded to this right now and will sleep on this. I feel like this is just another way of saying this is my fault. Crap I still feel low though. Thanks for getting me through today. Tomorrow is another day.




deep breathes striker.

her issues hey. Not yours to own.


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You marriage cannot work because she is not taking responsibility for anything. Re-read the email…
> 
> For example she said “I'm sorry that my libido slowed after we got married. … I'm sorry I didn't work harder at figuring out how to mend the sexual intimacy part of our marriage. I'm also sorry that I was always so disconnected from my emotions.”
> 
> ...



I think you are probably spot on with this analysis. Thank you. Today is going to be a long long day.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Some of us seem to be quitong blake Shelton....think on it, sleep on it....


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Do nothing. Sleep on it.
> 
> She's been thinking and this just happens. But do nothing for a day or two. Chew on it a bit.


Sleep on it, chew on it......are you related to Blake Shelton? I couldn't have said it better myself.

Take some time, ponder it, let it sink in before you respond.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't even respond.

Well, I might send a "thank you" and that's it. 2 words. Just so she knows you read it.

DO NOT spill your heart or anything. Let it go. Deep breaths....


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Just remember striker...they are just words. If she really wanted to work on things she would not have signed a year lease. Look at her actions, not what she sends through an email. 

Take them with a grain of salt. I know that is hard...but like Ele said, she is not taking any responsibility. She is apologizing but not owning anything.


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Oh now she may have topped it off again. Texted me tonight and wants to come get more of her stuff tomorrow. For crying out loud who does this to someone else. She wants to get more of her stuff out of our house on thanksgiving, what the hell is wrong with people. Is this for real. My response, and hour later, was what do you need I can leave it outside. I hate playing games but come on. She has not responded. I swear this girl might drive me to the nut house. And this was after my dad tonight (had dinner with him because my mom is gone to see my sis) first told what I needed to do about my divorce ie. business decisions, changing accounts, etc. and I told him I was not ready to talk about it, and he went on anyway for 20 minutes. Plus I can do this my self without his help. Then he went into an hour long story of how bad people used to have it in the 30's and 40's to make me feel better I presume. Finally the icing on the cake he started talking about the future children I might have until I broke down, and he finally shut up. That man means well but doesn't know when to stop. 

All I can say is I am living the American dream. Just a joke to try and stay sane in this world.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TAke a deep breath. You are just starting the separation and divorce process. You cannot let things get to you like this.

Just email her back and tell her it's a holiday and you do not want it ruined by her comming over. You will being having a dinner party (true or not) and she's not on the guest list.

Tell her that you are separated and she needs to now treat you with the distance and respect she would show anyone who she is not married to and how is not a close freind.

Seriously... she had no business infringing on your holiday.

As for your dad... just keep changing the topic on him. Have some really good ones ready.. like the funny/odd news of the day. 

You might need to get tough wiht him one or twice. My mom was like that. The tacktic worked great.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You marriage cannot work because she is not taking responsibility for anything. Re-read the email…
> 
> For example she said “I'm sorry that my libido slowed after we got married. … I'm sorry I didn't work harder at figuring out how to mend the sexual intimacy part of our marriage. I'm also sorry that I was always so disconnected from my emotions.”
> 
> ...


Well written, a really good dissection, and spot on IMO.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't tell her that you don't want her to ruin it. Just say you have plans and she can come the next day.

Don't give her power.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are in a great deal of pain.

That pain can very much get in the way of clarity.
It's also why reading other peoples responses here can give you a glimpse of what the other side looks like.

They have already been through the pain. And often, the input that you will receive is from someone that has clarity.

I greatly appreciate you sharing that email. Never ceases to amaze me despite the mantra of "everyones circumstances are different ..."
When you coalesce the events, the behavior, what was or wasn't said or done, and the outcomes ... they aren't much different at all.

I know this email. I got the same message. Not in a concise way such as you, but I got the same. Same feelings. Same words. 

And here is the important part that you need to understand, yes she apologized ... but taken in it's entirety, that email is a cop-out.

Elegirl spelled it out perfectly. It is utter deflection, disguised as taking ownership, wrapped in a heartfelt apology. And when we hurt, hearing the words "I'm sorry." can be extraordinarily emotionally confusing.


No where does she state she wants to fix things. Quite the opposite, she reiterates her reasons for wanting to remain single and figure things out.

She is a passive spectator rather than an active participant. And now, with only herself to be accountable to .... she is uncomfortable and reaching out to you, because she doesn't know what else to do.

Please don't confuse that with "I'm sorry, I love you, and I want to do whatever it takes to save US." Because she isn't saying anything remotely resembling that.


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## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

She is trying to achieve her own closure with dignity. The note was about her, not you. Do not respond. It really does not sound as if she is trying to connect with you, engage in any interaction, or get back together. Focus on moving forward. The way you both see the marriage right now is not likely how you will see it 3 years from now once you have created some distance.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

My 2 cents Striker.... 

You need to go through the house and find every last thing that is hers, pack it up, and text her and tell her its outside the front door and she has a week to get it.

The last thing you need at this point is to stumble across something of hers that still holds her scent, is attached to a memory, etc.

If at some future date she owns up to her part in the ending of your marriage, and the 2 of you decide to try things again, she can always bring it back. 

For now, it weakens your resolve to stay strong, every little item is just another thorn in your foot, a small pain but still a pain.


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## striker711 (Nov 8, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the advice.

PeasNCarrots 

I have begun getting everything in boxes. And I do mean everything. She is getting her new place Jan 1 when she will have enough room for it all, in my opinion. I plan to email her then and tell her she has to come get it all. At least I got all of her stuff out of my day to day sight line for now. I am still living day to day and would never imagined that I could be this lonely. 

I agree with everyone's opinion that the email was more for her, a cop-out, etc. My only response was thanks for the email. Nothing more, nothing less.


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