# Family excluded me from a visit. I'm feeling ??



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't know what I'm feeling...


Parties have ALWAYS been at my house. My dad is a narcissistic jerk although I always invite him over when he is in town. I politely sit glued to my chair while he talks non-stop about how great he is. 

My dad only comes to town a couple of times a year so I put up with him ignoring my kids, talking about himself,...... I don't think he even knows anything about my life, marriage, work history,..... You get the point. 

My sister....basically the same. Still my home is always open when there is a holiday or family function.

My Aunt's are the only relatives that I really like and enjoy their company. They too are always invited to all occasions and no pressure if they have other plans. They are in their 70's so I try to keep in touch via e-mail or Facebook messages, pictures of my kids, small gifts. 

Out of all my relatives, they have been the kindest to me, although that's not saying much. Still, they're fun ladies. 

A month ago, my cousin (Aunt's son) will be in town to see his nieces new baby. Great! I reach out to all the parties involved (Aunts and cousins) saying I would love to see them. I added that I understood if they were going to be too busy but let me know. I sent most of my messages via Facebook so I know they saw my invitation or interest in seeing them. No one responded. 

I thought it was strange. I am the kind of person who responds to my messages right away. I'm not a crazy game-player who waits to reply. 

Anyway, I have a life and two very busy high school kids. I put it out there and went on about life. 

Tonight I see the Facebook photo uploads of the visit in my town with everyone at a local restaurant. ?? 

I was hurt and confused. I'm not the type to get mad because they are genuinely nice people. But I keep stewing about why not one of four people ever responded to me one way or another and I was ignored completely. 

I don't know if I'm asking for advice. I think I'm just venting. 

I know my kids will see the photos too and may feel bad about it too. 

I really don't understand why people just can't communicate with other people. Especially family members who have always been harmless in the past. I've never argued with my family or caused gossip. ???

That's why I'm posing here. 

I'm hurt and confused. I feel something must be unlikeable about me but I don't know what. They could have even lied. But not to respond is the worst part of it. No one likes to be ignored.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Rugs said:


> Tonight I see the Facebook photo uploads of the visit in my town with everyone at a local restaurant. ??
> 
> I was hurt and confused.
> 
> ...


So why not send them an email, and if they don't respond, follow it up with a phone call to ask them the question your are posing here?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm sure that was so hurtful!  No advice, just empathy.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Ask whoever is the bluntest. They'll tell you.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

That sucks! I would probably send a message to them and word it something like "Hey, I noticed you all got together and I didn't get an invite. Did I offend someone? I certainly didn't mean to if I did and I would really hate to not get a chance to make it up if possible. Please let me know what's up." Something like that, not accusatory but just still hoping to know why.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Nynaeve said:


> That sucks! I would probably send a message to them and word it something like "Hey, I noticed you all got together and I didn't get an invite. Did I offend someone? I certainly didn't mean to if I did and I would really hate to not get a chance to make it up if possible. Please let me know what's up." Something like that, not accusatory but just still hoping to know why.


See, I can't do this. After being married to a cheater narcassist for 20 years, I refuse to do the "happy, pick me" dance for anyone. I will tell them it was wrong and inconsiderate because it was. I normally wouldn't say anything but I should stand up for myself and set some boundaries. 

I asked everyone once, they had their chance to reply. They didn't. 

If they would have wanted me there to see them and the new baby, they would have invited me. 

Due to my above parent and sibling relationship, I see I tolerate behavior toward me I should not. I think now that is why I added the ?? In my header. 

I need to set and keep boundaries.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I appreciate the replies and I'm trying to work on some personal growth issues. I've been reading books and reading forums. 

Whenever I stand up for myself, people get angry because it inconveniences them. I'm the one who usually will eat the crap sandwich and I really want to change that about myself and pick better friends. 

It's hard when you've had the same behaviors your whole life. People think your not you if you change or your bitter or having a bad day. I just want to have boundaries with not being argumentative.


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## EverythingU.RNot (Sep 2, 2015)

I'd be hurt, too. I wonder if each thought the others would reply? Surely they knew you'd see the photos....

I'd definitely call them out and tell them how you feel... I'm so sorry. I get left out of a lot of functions myself (not that I enjoy them, lol) but I can see how that must have felt like a gigantic slap in the face.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Rugs said:


> I appreciate the replies and I'm trying to work on some personal growth issues.


This ^^^^^. Reverse the situation. If you did something rude like what your family did, how would they react? Would they tactfully ask you what was wrong or would they speak their mind.....

Chances are the latter. So, why should YOU not speak yours? 

I'd say: "What you did was incredibly rude and mean. How would you feel if you were excluded from something and it was then thrown up in your face?"

I'd say nothing else after that. The ball is in their court.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It seems like the boundary you are setting for yourself is actually causing you pain. Asking why you and your kids were not invited is not a pick me situation. It is a time to stand tall for your kids and tell someone (whoever that is) that rude behavior is not acceptable. You and your kids should have been at a family function that occurred in town. Period.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Rugs take this with a grain of salt. 

There can be several reasons you were excluded.

1) Someone is mad at you or you are mad at them.
2) Are you always late? People get fed up waiting
3) Was the get together just immediate family or were others there?
4) Do you create a lot of drama? Are you negative and spiteful? 
5) Maybe the cousin was buying dinner and wanted to keep it small. If they told you that would you have taken the hint or bulldozed your way in anyway?
6) Are your kids having issues with anyone? 

The list can go on and on. 

Here's my take. There is a reason you were excluded, and I'm guessing because of past history the event was hush hush because no one wanted to deal with telling you, for some reason they are all afraid. I would guess they walk on egg shells around you and you don't even realize it. You say you are working on personal growth issues, that tells me there has been issues you recognize.

As I said...take it with a grain of salt. Maybe it's you, maybe it's the family, the reality is the only person you have any control over is you, so I would start there. Personally I wouldn't have been offended, you sent a general message out via Facebook, who specifically became responsible for responding? Then again you sent out a message asking "everyone once" why you didn't get invited, again...who specifically was suppose to reply? And who would want to? Who wants to get drug into drama?

You don't have much good to say about your family, even the aunts who you say are the nicest "but that isn't saying much". You don't enjoy your dads company, you don't enjoy your sisters company, so why bother? Just because they are blood doesn't obligate you to keep them in your life. If it's not a good relationship focus your life in other directions.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You give too much. Stop being so f^cking proud of how much you give and just get on with your and your (nuclear) family's life.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Call your favorite aunty and ask her what is going on. That you feel something was said about you and would like to know what's going on. 

I have a feeling your dad or your sister said something to someone about you. That is why they are avoiding you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> You give too much. Stop being so f^cking proud of how much you give and just get on with your and your (nuclear) family's life.


A little harsh? Sheesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> A little harsh? Sheesh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No just tough love.

I come from a family in which my father said after his father died "I spent my life trying to buy my father's love."

And sadly, as he was treated as the butt of the family, his children (Us, ya' know) also got that same "who gives a sh!t type of treatment.

It's pretty sad when the way your family treats your own children is a product of your own behavior. 

The OP needs to stop worrying about how her family treats her and start ensuring that she is teaching her own children how make relationship decisions from a point of having strong self-esteem.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> No just tough love.
> 
> I come from a family in which my father said after his father died "I spent my life trying to buy my father's love."
> 
> ...



You're making a lot of assumptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rugs said:


> See, I can't do this. After being married to a cheater narcassist for 20 years, I refuse to do the "happy, pick me" dance for anyone. I will tell them it was wrong and inconsiderate because it was. I normally wouldn't say anything but I should stand up for myself and set some boundaries.
> 
> I asked everyone once, they had their chance to reply. They didn't.
> 
> ...


You play a role in your family. The Giver. The one to be taken for granted. And forgotten.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I have to say, yes, I am a giver. I have never caused drama, EVER. I am not late, respond to invitations, don't cancel. 

I'm not too nice, I act appropriately.

If everyone around you is a jerk and you are nice, YOU (me in this case) are labeled too nice. 

Yes, I do think I let myself be taken advantage of. My Aunts are sisters and maybe they just wanted "sister" time with themselves and their children (and now new grandchildren). 

If it is me and they don't want to be around me or just didn't want to include me in the visit, they should have replied. 

I think the etiquette of replying bothers me than the no invite. 

Facebook has a time stamp so you can see the time someone saw your message. 

"Hi cousin, I saw your message last night but was just too tired to respond but today I'm rested. It's not a great time......."

The more I think about it, it's the being ignored on the first tier of not replying,..... I dunno. 


Yes, I am working on personal boundaries. I found out my two best friends were both cheating on their husbands. One for eight years. 

This bothered me for months and I could not get past it. I had to give up the friendships that have been close for 35 years. It was hard and I still struggle with the decision. Do you forgive your friends / family for doing horrible things or stand by them?? 

My friends did not give up their affairs so I just left the friendships behind. I did tell them why but I didn't blow up their lives. I kept their business private but had to back off. 

I just have been questioning all my relationships and I am a very forgiving person. I do think I am often taken advantage of because I don't say anything, I just retreat. 

Again, ALL family parties and celebrations have been at my home for years and years......

Just strange to me. I used to think something was "wrong" with me but I am feeling that their is just something immature about them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"They should have?" Seriously? Who are you to say what any other person should do? I don't mean that to be rude, but to show you that you can wish and say and bluster all you want about what OTHER people should do but, as you have seen, you have no control over them.

Even LESS control when you implement NO boundaries and, more importantly, no CONSEQUENCES. 

In your case, a boundary would be don't dis me like this. A consequence that you enact would be you refuse to 'do nice' for them the next time you're expected to. Oh really? You want me to throw a party for the whole family at my house on my dime? Yeah, I don't really feel like doing that, not after I was humiliated by your deliberate omission of me at the last party. Which you so gleefully posted all over FB for me to see. Have fun doing it yourself!

See what I'm getting at? THAT will make them notice you and MAYBE include you next time. 

You teach people how to treat you.

When I moved in with my husband, he'd been having weekly pool parties at his house since, you know, he was the one with a pool. Week after week after week, dozens of people would come over and eat his food, drink his drinks, and drink his alcohol. Not a DIME did they contribute. So after about six months of watching this happen, I got a shoe box and covered it and cut a hole in the top and wrote 'Donations to pay for the party stuff' on it. Well, that went over like a lead balloon. Guess who stopped coming over?

And something you can do in the meantime is read the book The Dance Of Anger. It is very often recommended by therapists for people in exactly your situation.


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## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Is this the Ex's family? Would/could she have said something to her family? Sorry you got the crappy end of the stick,Sometimes you have to. Cut your losses.
Deguello
When Death Smiles,Marines Smile back.


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