# Need marital advice



## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

This is my first time here and my name is Kevin. I want to thank everyone in advance that read and reply to my post. I am up for any criticism and advice. This may be lengthy so please bear with me.

We have been married since 4/2010 and we also had a child on 1/2011 and she means the world to me. We also have a dog so you can say we are the average family. So theres a little background info. 

Our relationship started out like any normal relationship. There was fun, excitement, adventures, sex and great times. I noticed from the start that my wife was not a neat and tidy person and I am. I overlooked that and figured she would change once we got a house. Other than that i didn't have any other problems with her.

The issues started once I bought my house and she moved in. Off the bat i included her in every step from home buying to decorating. I wanted her to feel like it was her house too. Once it was over we finally had the house of our dreams. Our friends always commented how it looked like a model home. We even had weekly cleaning pattern set so the house would stay clean. Then the problems set in.

After a few weeks of cleaning my wife would slowly start skipping out early on cleaning day so she could goof off on the computer leaving me to do the rest. I even made housework easy on her. I cleaned all the bathrooms and the kitchen because of the chemicals. I also did all the floors. She just needed to dust the living, dining and bedrooms. Almost 2 years later i find its me always doing the house cleaning myself. 

I bend over backwards to make her life easy. I work a gravy schedule of 24hr work and 48hrs off. Every third week i get 5 days off in a row. Firefighters schedules are amazing. I also work a part time job at where my wife works. I work one 12/hr shift a week just to have money for my truck payment. My wife works 3-4 12hr days every week. So i felt that most of the housework should fall on me. I have also taken care of the outside work (grass, snow, gardens...etc) since day 1. On top of all those chores I also do all of our laundry. I'm also the chef of the house (i was a certified chef before becoming a firefighter). So basically I cook, clean, do laundry, clean the house, mow the grass, shovel the snow and maintain the gardens. I took all those chores upon myself to help my wife lead a stress free life. I put her well being above my own. 

I feel that I am a damn good husband. I have my faults like everyone else and I'm far from perfect. I also feel like its her job to make sure she keeps after herself and not trash our house. She'll leave dirty dishes in the sink, dirty clothes on the floor, mail overflowing our mail baskets, her bath towel is everywhere but on the towel bar...etc. She is a slob and never picks up after herself. I understand that when she gets home she rushes in and sits down to a hot meal. Then its off to the shower. Once she finishes she feeds the baby, bathes her and puts her to bed. Then its a mad dash to her laptop so she can get on facebook. It angers me that she doesnt take the 10 minutes to pick up after herself before she gets on her laptop. My way of thinking is that if theres things that needs to be done, do them and then go relax and enjoy your night. That's how i was raised and that carried over into my everyday work ethic. When she does these things I feel like its a slap in my face. She knows i bust my hump to keep a nice house but then she does things like this. When i approach her about it she acts like I'm lecturing her. I get the "your not my father" act from her. She evens has the nerve to point out something that i do that bothers her. In turn I always acknowledge what bothers her and make an attempt to correct it. She never returns the favor. 

My wife came from a broken home with step parents so I know things had to be tough on her. She was treating like **** my her step mother at times and I think inside she's rebelling towards me like i'm her step mom. She also had a mentally and phyically abusive ex boyfriend. I admit, my wife went through some hard times but she is a good person and a fighter with a good heart and good head on her. She treats my family like her own. I always thank her for that. 

I just get tired of fighting and we both agree counseling is needed. She thinks WE need it but I told HER that SHE needs to speak to someone and get her past issues resolved. I feel if she does that then all will be right. 

Im not your typical husband who demands sex all of the time. Once in a while is all i ask and it was like pulling teeth with her. It went months inbetween sexual encounters. So much so that I told her that our lack of sex is what drives men to cheat. That never registered so I did something some people might feel is wrong. I flirted with a female coworker at my part time job and led her on that i wanted her. We exchanged naughty texts and she even sent me dirty pics. I then had all the ammo i needed. That morning when i came home i made it easy for my wife to figure out cell's password and she took the bait. She saw the texts and pic. She grabbed the child and went to my parents. Not good. I led her on to believe that I made a mistake and almost cheated on her because i wasnt getting any attention at home. After she came back home that night, the sex was amazing and often. I eventually told her what really happened and that I planned it all out. I wanted her to realize that this relationship isnt all about her. I need some affection time to time. To this day she still thinks Im lying to cover it up, but I know the truth. Its sad that i had to resort to this after all my attempts to spice up the sex life. 

Another issue i have is that my wife never wants to talk things out. If we have a problem i will address it with her. I had to learn that this can only be done once she "cools off". I wait and she still blows be off. She says things like "we'll talk later" or "stop picking on me". How can our marriage work if she cant talk to me. I feel like she is more interested in facebook then me. Thank god she does put our daughter first.

Another issue she throws in my face is that our lives are boring. We dont have fun like we did before marriage. I told her that we would have to sacrifice alot if we wanted a house, dog and baby. She told me she was willing. Now that she has had to sacrifice things, deep down she hates it. We dont have the time or money to take big yearly vacations. Time with our friends are scarce because she works every weekend. Even day trips are hard to come bye. Honestly I cannot condone taking a daytrip somewhere when our house looks like **** because of her being a slob. Why should i reward her when she did nothing to deserve it. Why take a day to have fun when its our only free day all week and then the next day she works and I'm stuck with the baby and all the house chores?? 

Im tired of typing and im starting to lose track of what i want to say. I may have a distorted way of thinking and maybe i need to change, but who knows anymore. Please feel free to give me some advice on how I can make our relationship better. Any tips or tricks are welcomed. If i am wrong on some occasions please point them out. If you need clarification on something i wrote let me know and i can clarify it for you.Thanks again for you time. 

Kevin S.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

If you bend over backwards to make your wife's life easier, you might be a *******--err, nice guy.

Having a clean home is something your used to, what you would consider normal. Try looking at it from your wifes pov. If she was raised in a pig pen, she may think to herself, "Yes, Im a little messy, but thats normal". Its all about what your wife finds to be normal. As you come off as a very level headed guy Id suggest having a conversation with her under the guise that you can imagine what it feels like in her shoes as she may not feel that a couple dishes in the sink overnight is an issue.

The fact that you do all the hard work is where you really shot yourself in the foot IMO. Give'em an inch, they take a mile. If there is a list of chores, and your wife skips out on it, then you do it, what kind of message are you sending her? At the bottom of your post you say "I want her to realize this relationship isnt all about her" but thats how you make it, you are putting her up on the pedastel.

That being said, your wife comes off as lazy and ungrateful. Id assume she was this way before you guys got married? Does her 12hr shift job have much to do with it?

How old are you and your wife? Based on the third to last paragraph, Id guess she is rather young? If not, she is immature. To lay blame at your feet for the two of you having boring lives. She is obviously an individual who isnt willing to work for themselves, she expects handouts. Ig she came from a broken home this could explain a lot as many divorced parents end up trying to buy their childrens love.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your just gonna have to deal with her messiness.

My wife is a hoarder and more than a bit of a slob.
It drives me nuts but it`s not worth eventual divorce.

That line about you setting up a cheating fake-out is complete and utter bull****.
I know it and your wife knows it too.

You played, you got caught, you`re on the hook.

I kinda pity your wife.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

She is bored with you.... you aren't doing it for her anymore. That is why she doesn't clean, doesn't want sex and thinks you are her father.

So yes you are rambling on....plus you had an EA 

How to fix it? Learn about women's needs

Stop doing anymore than 55% of the household chores.

Give it time and apply what you learn... you need to get her to fall in love with you again.

Before firefighter was enough... not anymore.
Pull her towards you instead of pushing her.

Watch her because she is susceptible to cheat on you until you put new behaviors in place consistently.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR DEEP.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Wow. I'm not sure where to begin, but these are some of the red flags I see about you:

1) Saying "when I bought MY house". Isn't it her home, too, if you are married?
2) Knowing she is messy and expecting her to change after marriage.
3) Expecting her to change to adjust to YOU and your habits instead of working on a compromise that you BOTH agree on.
4) Setting up a manipulative, nasty, passive-aggressive ruse to make your wife jealous. This is the most distressing detail of all.
5) Telling your wife SHE needs therapy without acknowledging YOU have just as many issues that YOU need to work on.
6) Withholding fun and enjoyable activities from your wife because you want your house to look perfect but seem not to care that your lives are boring, routine and basically just drudgery. Saying your wife should not be "rewarded" for being messy by doing things shows a scary way of thinking about your wife and your life.

Frankly, I'm not sure WHY your wife would want to be with someone like you based on what you've posted. You seem to think you are superior even though your post is littered with nasty, petty things that you do. You need to get with the program and work on YOU. Your wife has needs that are just as important as your needs. She may not give a rat's a$$ that you do the laundry if you don't treat her with love and consideration. And you have to realize how damaging your little texting EA with your coworker is to your marriage. That was such a childish way to handle the situation. You are an adult and need to learn how to communicate directly.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

I am not sure how old the two of you are. if you stated it I did not see it in your post. The behavier you two are playing out seems sophmoric. Start by stopping the games and act as adults. I would sugest the two of you sit down and listen to each others needs and determine if each other can or want to fullfill them. The strategy you are using now is the perfect recipe for divorce.


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

Thanks for the fast replies/advice. Let me first clear some things up. Sorry i forgot to mention. I'm 33 and she's 26. 

1. I said "my house" because in the beginning it was just me living in the house. My wife moved in at a later date when she was ready. At that point it became "our" house. Compare it to "your" vehicle. It belonged to "you" before you got married. Once you get married it becomes the "family vehicle". Dont read to much into it. 

2.The "EA" situation. Do some research on how to spice up the sex life and you will find numerous articles referencing making your spouse jealous will reignite the fire. I tried everything i could think of and this was my last resort. I, in no way would or did cheat on my wife. I've been cheated on and i wouldnt put someone through the same pain. 

3. Any man who is worth his weight in salt should have a basic understanding in womens needs. I do things for her like; listen when she talks to me, help her with her problems, keep myself looking good for her, compliment her looks, always say thank you, tell her how much she means to me, tell her that shes my world and the list goes on. I dont shower her with gifts anymore after one day i surprised her with a teddy bear holding a single red rose wearing a gold necklace. She thanked me for it but later told me she doesnt like jewelery or flowers so dont bother buying her those things. Then i just recently bought her a new cell phone with all the features that she picked out herself. The phone was great at first, then the phone started acting up on her. She would on a daily basis tell me that the phone was a POS. I offered to show her how to work the phone and maintain it and she always says "im taking this peice of **** back so dont bother". I dont expect her to kiss my ass because i bought her a phone but have the decency to not rub it in my face that the phone was acting up. 

4. This ones for Laurae- Thanks for the input. Let me clear some things up. 

I cant make my wife do anything she doesnt want to. My point i make to her is that she should take pride in our house. If we have company, it shouldnt be a mad dash to clean things up. How we keep our house is a reflection on us and our parents in the way they raised us. I dont mind cleaning the house but i ASK her to just clean up after herself. Is that wrong of me? How would you feel if you spent all day cleaning and your hubby comes home and tracks mud all over your clean carpets and then gets mad at you for speaking up about it?
It has gotten to the point that she has junked up her cabinets so bad that she goes out and buys items for herself when she already has 4 of the same item already in her cabinet. When sloppiness leads to wasting money, then theres an issue. 
She on numerous occasions has said that she wants to see a therapist about her personal issues. She admits that she needs to speak to someone first and then see if our marriage gets better. I supported her and told her how proud i was that she was taking the first step. Its when we get into arguments and she says that we need professional help i remind her about her wanting to seek help first. If she admits the problem lies within her then why not fix that issue first before jumping to the next issue?
My point about withholding fun activities is just that.She needs to think about setting a good example for our daughter. How can i expect my daughter to listen to me when i tell her "you cant go outside and play until you finish your chores or your homework" when her mother is doing the complete opposite of what i'm trying to instill in her. Maybe i was raised old school, but then again you are older than me and you should understand my point. Havent you ever gave your hubby a honey do list? If you have and he neglected all the items on the list because he went out with his friends for a few cold beers, wouldnt you be slightly pissed? Is it wrong to have the work ethic of "knocking out what needs to get done then reward myself by doing something fun"?

Communication is a big deal to me. Its been a mainstay in my past and current career. Its hard to talk to someone that belittles me when i start telling her how i feel. I constantly ask her how her day was and listen to her problems. I give her advice with some family issues. I always drop what i'm doing to listen to her and help her out. I have tried so hard and all i get is an attitude from her when i try to help because she always feels like I'm "lecturing her" when all im doing is listening and giving advice. If you dont want any advice then just hear me out and forget what i just said. 

To finish this up i just want to say that i appreciate all the advice thus far. Its tough for you guys/gals to fully understand the situation without being there. I think im a level headed person and a good husband/father. I do right by my family and protect them to my best ability. Im just baffled by my wife at times. Her child like mentality boggles my mind. I cant seem to figure her out. I have a AAS in Psychology as part of my duel degree and am also a grief counselor for my fellow firefighters and even i'm stumped. I do know one thing, its hard to rationalize with a person who during an argument told me "i wish you were dead". That kinda cut deep. 

So once again i thank you for the advice. Any further help would be appreciated.

Kevin S.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Kevin1978 said:


> 1. I said "my house" because in the beginning it was just me living in the house. My wife moved in at a later date when she was ready. At that point it became "our" house. Compare it to "your" vehicle. It belonged to "you" before you got married. Once you get married it becomes the "family vehicle". Dont read to much into it.


Actually my truck is "My" truck, her car is "Her" car.
The house is ours even though it`s always been in my name.
I`ve never refered to it as "mine"



> 2.The "EA" situation. Do some research on how to spice up the sex life and you will find numerous articles referencing making your spouse jealous will reignite the fire. I tried everything i could think of and this was my last resort. I, in no way would or did cheat on my wife.


Indeed and I`ve used this tactic myself but not going so far as to imply I`ve had an affair.



> I've been cheated on and i wouldnt put someone through the same pain.


But you did didn`t you?
You hurt her just the same by making her believe you had an affair as you would have if you actually had the affair (Which I`m still pretty sure you did because no one is stupid enough to do what you say you did.)
It`s just asinine and sounds exactly like what it is.
A desperate, pathetic, ridiculous attempt to cover up an infidelity.
You wouldn`t believe such an excuse for a moment yet you expect her to?
Talk about disrespect.


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

My fault for not clearing up the Extramarital Affair incident. The only thing i did was lead this woman to believe i had liked her. She was gullible enough to start telling me how she wanted to F me. That came to my surprise. There was nothing written about already having sex, just the fact that this woman had a thing for me. My wife just assumed that since this woman had a crush on me that we "must have" had sex. That is her misconception and i explained the truth to her. Doing the whole texting thing was probably stupid but it did bring a spark back to our sex life for a short time. If i had a redo, i would have just mentioned to her that some woman had a crush on me and maybe got the same results. 

Tacoma- You sound selfish to me. Your wife cant drive "your truck"? My wifes uses "my truck" when she needs it but i still feel that the truck is ours and her car is ours too. 
Im just laying out my story in a "timeline manner". We weren't married at the time i bought the house. Therefore it was my house technically speaking. Trying reading my first post again and you will see that as my story unfolded I used the term "our house". I started using the term "our house" once we got married because it was truly "our house". We were just dating when i got the house but i still included her in every step from house hunting to decorating as if we were already married looking to buy a house together. I asked for her input, her needs and wants when it came to the house. She had more say so then I did. 

From what i have read so far it seems like I do too much for her. I need to let her take responsibility for herself. Let her pull her own weight around the house. Is it fair to only wash my dishes, do my own laundry and shovel my side of the driveway?? I'm gonna have to say that I would take a beating on here if I did. Oddly enough i did read a post on here or maybe it was another similar site about a wife saying her husband is lazy. That he is a slob and doesnt to anything around the house. Her solution which was recommended to her was to do only her laundry, cook only her meal, clean only her clothes and clean only the rooms she uses.
Im just getting tired of me being treating like a housewife from the 50's and her being the atypical husband. Maybe i should read the good wifes guide for some insight. Feel free to peruse this masterPOS

The Good Wife's Guide

Goodnight all,

Kevin S.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Kevin1978 said:


> Tacoma- You sound selfish to me. Your wife cant drive "your truck"? My wifes uses "my truck" when she needs it but i still feel that the truck is ours and her car is ours too.


Never said that.

When my wife needs my truck she asks "Babe can I get the keys to YOUR truck?"

When I need her car I say "Babe can I get the keys to YOUR car?"

I don`t say "Can I get the keys to OUR car" because she`s the one who drives it 99.9% of the time.
It`s her car.

However when I need to use her keys to get into the house I don`t say "Can I get the keys to MY house?" because we both live there pretty consistently.



> Im just laying out my story in a "timeline manner". We weren't married at the time i bought the house. Therefore it was my house technically speaking. Trying reading my first post again and you will see that as my story unfolded I used the term "our house". I started using the term "our house" once we got married because it was truly "our house".
> [/quote}
> 
> Yeah, just like I bought our house while we were still dating and due to credit reasons she couldn`t be on the mortgage.
> ...


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## Corinna (Aug 17, 2011)

Hi Kevin,

So sorry to hear about your predicament. That's tough. 

From the sounds of it, it doesn't seem like you're doing anything wrong. You are bending over backwards for your wife, and she doesn't sound too grateful or helpful.

The thing you said about doing the chores first and relaxing later... I can totally identify. That's the way I was raised and how I still operate today. 

My husband, on the other hand, has no trouble watching TV for a while first and then doing the chores after, which drives me NUTS b/c I just want everything to be done around the house first before we relax.

Over the years, I've convinced him to change a little, and I've also relaxed a little to understand that he'll do it later if he wants to. It's a bit of give and take, and it took nearly 5 years to get to this point. 

So don't give up. I think it would DEFINITELY be a good idea for you and your wife to go to counseling ASAP and hear each other out on how you can improve for each other.

I say that b/c although it sounds like she's 90% at fault here, I'm sure there are a couple things you could learn too. And if not, then just pick something, anything you think you could do better and tell her that you'll be working on that. That way she won't feel like she's being picked on and is the only one who needs to working on changing. 

~Corinna


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## Corinna (Aug 17, 2011)

Kevin,

A couple more things I just thought of. Check out a couple sections on my website that might help you:

The first one is on husband training, but you could use it equally as "wife training" too. There are some good tips there. It's at Practical Husband Training Tips

The other page is on marital advice, and if you scroll to the bottom, there are 7 more links. Choose whichever ones you think might be most helpful. It's found at Marital Advice - The Best Recipe for a Happy Marriage

Truly hope this helps.

~Corinna


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

hi, i think that the best thing to do would be to start couple's therapy together. thereafter she can do some individual therapy sessions in conjunction. it takes two people to mess up communication lines, so obviously there is stuff for both of you to learn- she may just need more help than you given her history. speaking from experience, i would be happy to go for counselling if my H would admit that he needed it too, but if he told me I should go first cos I needed it more, then I'd tell him to go to *ell.

the cleaning & intimacy issues (or lack thereof) are just signs of some underlying problems. if you can identify & address the problems (in therapy), then the other stuff will fall into place. then you can look at cleaning rosters, shared resposibilities, weekend trips etc.

last point, there's no point in making your spouse jealous to improve the quality of your sex life- that's like building a house on an unsteady foundation. It'll stand for a while & may look really good, but eventually the poor foundation is gonna affect the look & feel of the house. At that point you can either reapir the plaster cracks in the wall so that superficially the house looks good again, or if you are prepared to fix it properly you'll have to address the problems with the foundation of the house. the second way may be more labour intensive but it will result in long term improvements. Making her jealous is the first scenario. going to MC & fixing the problems is the second scenario


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

Tacoma- please enlighten me on your take from my story. What have you learned from "how" i wrote my story?

Bottom line is that its our house. So no matter how you want to cross exam my story, its our house.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kevin, it sounds like you're a very structured/routine type of guy. Your wife on the other hand sounds like the polar opposite of that. In the same measure her ways are driving you crazy, your ways are doing the same to her... the difference being that she's not as skilled a communicator of this as you are. So instead of reasoning to a compromise, you end up in a shouting match.

Your wife should go to therapy if she honestly feels she has some issues she needs to work through. She should NOT do it however to appease you. You have an ideal view of what your life with her should be, but honestly her view seems like it's in another direction.

Marriage shouldn't be all about business. It shouldn't be all about routine. There has to be a balance between having a good time and taking care of responsibilities, or else resentment will build. A woman that says to you "I wish you were dead" is a woman who is very bitter and angry. The fun needs to be put back into your relationship, and IMO you need to lighten up in this area. So the house doesn't get scrubbed from top to bottom on a Saturday? Nobody will die over it. Leave it and go do something fun with your family.

You see The Shining? You remember what happened to Jack? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Maybe you both need to go to counseling to figure out how to have more of a balance.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Ummm, anyone who pretends to be having an affair with a co-worker to make their wife jealous is not a good communicator.

What I find so troubling is that you don't seem to see YOUR role in the marital issues when it's so clear that you have some issues, too. It's a two way street.

You may think you are a good huband but if you are not meeting your wife's needs, you aren't a good husband. You don't get to dictate what her needs are. She may not value a clean house the way that you do. It may mean more to her to do fun things with you than to spen all weekend cleaning, especially when she works so hard. And if you act like a drill sargeant the way you sound in your posts, I could see how your wife would not want to have sex with you or spend time with you. 

The biggest problem I see is your inability to see anyone else's point of view except your own. This is how narcissists think.

Your "way" is not the only way. What "you" want is not the only important thing. Until you get this, your marriage and life will suffer.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Ummm, anyone who pretends to be having an affair with a co-worker to make their wife jealous is not a good communicator.


I believe I said as skilled as he is. They both have communication issues, neither of them is *good* at it, but he is better at it than she is. 

They both play games. He isn't any more right for pretending to have an affair than she is for doing things in the home that she knows will receive negative attention.


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

Laurae1967- You have the typical misandry syndrome. If you need to look it up, then no longer waste my time with your pointless attacks towards me. 

I think most woman would respect a guy like myself. One who does the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work and who splits the baby duties. On top of that I work two jobs to make her life easier. I pay all the bills with the house plus my own. She might give me money when she has it. She lives paycheck to paycheck and has very few bills. On occasions i have to loan her some money so she doesnt bounce a check. I do all of this because i Love her and dont want to see her stress out. 

All i ask for in return is that she tidies up after herself. Poor her you say. Give me a break. Is it to much to not leave dirty panties on the floor NEXT to the hamper or hang the jacket up when you come home and not leave it on the couch were people sit. I know its a tough endeavor to place a dirty cup in the dishwasher when shes done but i guess Im asking too much?? I dont demand her to scrub the toilets just so we can go out shopping or force her to clean the windows just so we can visit family. Its the little things that are done which is pure laziness and disrespectful to me. Again i ask you; how would you feel if you spent all day cleaning the house just to have your hubby come home and trash it in a matter of 3 hrs?? 

Its called common courtesy and pride. I constantly give in and overlook how the house looks because i realize she really wants to get out of the house. I dont hold her at gunpoint until she dusts the furniture. Im being too easy on her and I know its my fault. 

I tried to reason with her and told her what shes doing is hurtful whether she knows it or not. She talked about how she might not feel like tidying up when she gets home every night. I understand. She says that she'll tidy up her first day off. I was cool with that. So when I come home and the house looks the same as when i left it, I get upset. I calmly ask what happened to tidying up? "Well i ran her and ran there and then ran to my friends. Then by the time I got home it was too late". I told her that its unfair that i have to spend my day off cleaning up her mess when i had other things planned to do. I just told her not to worry about it and I'LL take care of it. So i figure maybe that will sink in. Weeks go by and still the same ****. So i then told her from now on I will only cook my dinner, clean only my clothes, shovel only my side of the driveway, clean only the rooms i frequent and so forth. She then simply told me that she would only buy groceries for herself and stop giving me money whenever she has it. That is a childish mentality if ive ever seen one. I told her that im tired of busting my ass just so she can come in her and sit on hers. 

But, I guess I'm the bad guy. Im the narcissist. Im the slave driver in the house. Im being too hard. Its my fault that I let this **** go on, thats for sure. I just need a sensible way to solve these problems because reasoning with her is next to impossible. 

Thanks for the advice and comments....most of you,
Kevin S.


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

Just another good day that ended badly. 

After i got home from work yesterday, the wife prepared a nice dinner for us. I thanked her and said I appreciated her cooking dinner. So while I did the dishes she said she needed to run to Target. I told her thats fine but I also have to make a quick stop elsewhere. The night was going great. We held hands on the ride up and just talked. Shopped for a bit before we headed back. I dropped her and the baby off so she could bathe the baby and I ran the dog to the park. Then it all started.

I came back and she asked if I could get the babys food ready. No problem. The whole time I was making the babys bottle she was over my shoulder double checking to make sure I was doing it right. I told her I have it under control. Its not my first rodeo and after a few hundred bottles Im pretty good at it. The wife asks me to then feed the baby so she could get ready for work. No problem i told her.

So i start to feed the baby her cereal and while eating the baby chomped down on the spoon too hard and faster then i could pull the spoon out. She started to cry. The wife ran over and was yelling at me "what did you do to her"? That really hurts because she accuses me of hurting the baby every time she cries when i have her. Even though its what a baby naturally does. They cry when they are tired, wet, hungry...etc. I calmly told my wife what happened and calmed the baby down so she could finish her food.

So after the food, I gave the baby her bottle. My wife ripped the bottle out of my hand and yelled at me that i didn't squeeze the air out first. I told her i was sorry. She then gave the baby her bottle. The baby's at the point where we let her hold itself. So i just sat there and watched her drink. It almost brings a tear to my eye watching how fast she is growing. Then the baby tossed the bottle on the ground. 

I picked it back up, wiped the nipple off and sat it infront of the baby. She started to cry. I start to calm the baby down and the wife then grabs the bottle and tells me that "if your to busy to feed the baby then Ill just have to do it myself. Go downstairs and watch TV". She had that upset/sarcastic/disappointed sound to her voice that every man has heard before. I then told my wife that I was feeding her and was gonna let the baby feed herself like usual. I asked her what I did wrong and why does she have to blow up over something so small as that. 

I cannot understand her. She just started her Zoloft again and I thought she was doing just fine. Its times like yesterday which make me shake my head. We were fine all evening. Then as soon as it was time to make the babys food, her attitude changed. I even asked her what was bothering her because she seemed to be in a mood. She said nothing was wrong. The whole time she was having her hissy fit I just kept calm and instead of yelling back I just asked her why is she making a big deal over nothing. She never answered me. 

Any ideas on what I did wrong? I'm starting to feel like she feels the need to ruin a good day. Theres no reason for it what so ever. 

Thanks, 
Kevin S.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Kevin, part of your problem is there are only so many hours in the day. You sound like you two would be happier if she got done work. That would allow her to take on more responsibilites around the home and have the energy left for you at night.

Can you two ever swing this financially, at least until the kid is older? It sounds extreme and goes against the grain of the modern family, but some things money can't help or fix.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Kevin, Wow your story sounds exactly like mine and my hubby's, but I'm your wife and don't pick up like I should. No worries, I'm not going to rip you to shreds and I could care less of you said "my" or "ours" it's irrelevant.

A little background on us; we've been married almost 8 years, hubby is 27 and I'm 32, we've got 3some boys (6,9, & 12). Hubby spent 7 years in the Army and is very type A. During his time in the military he became very disciplined about tidiness. We were absolutely fine until I decided to return to the workforce and go back to school for my BSBA. Before that I was a SAHM and our house was immaculate. Hubby sounds a lot like you in that he does everything that he can to make my life easier whether it be housework, laundry, kids, or hardworking. We really work well as a team, but he becomes very frustrated that I often don't pick up after myself and I'm honestly the messiest person in our home and I was having sex with him but not regularly enough that he was satisfied and most of the time with a complete lack of enthusiasm. Not good or healthy for either of us. I too, played of Facebook rather than taking the time to connect with him.

Well about 2 months ago we had a huge blow out and he told me that he couldn't continue to live this way; I wasn't meeting his emotional or physical needs. He would point out my messes and I felt like he was treating me like a child rather than his partner. Here's the important part, I'd completely checked out and had disconnected from him emotionally. While he didn't do what you did as far as having inappropriate texts with another female he started looking at porn. I caught him in the act and was devestated. It made me feel so insecure and jealous like I wasn't enough. But it also opened my eyes that I wasn't meeting his needs. 

We had a long conversation and I explained that I felt like his child and that nothing I did was good enough and that I missed our time alone, that all we talked about was stupid stuff and that we weren't connecting emotionally. That's why I'd turned to Facebook because there I got emotional connections. I also askedabout if he had noticed that when we went on rare date nights that he got better sex? He said, absolutely. I said, there's your sign.

I think honestly that your wife misses you and the connection that you once had. Becoming a new mother ishard both physically and emotionally and she's probably somewhat overwhelmed and depressed. I'd try talk to her and not bring up the house, plan a date night and get your connection back. You don't have to buy gifts or anything but treat her like you did when you were dating. Where you're headed now is divorce if you don't get ahanle
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Sorry a handle on things. After our talk I opened my eyes and so did he, we both started working on things and I started cleaning up after myself. Since he was trying his hardiest to meet my needs I tried my hardiest to meet his as well. I'm happy to report that we have not had a single major fight since and our sex life is back on track and the best that it's been in a long time. I feel closer to him and we take the time to talk each day. We've also stopped the yelling, name calling, and demeaning too. I now feel like his partner, not his child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

LBG- I'm glad that you got things back on the right track. I also thank you for you constructive criticism. Some people get on here and post nothing but negativity. 

I try my hardest as a husband/father/provider to make everyone else's life easy and stress free. I think what my wife (and most people who posted negative comments) doesnt understand is that all I ask her to do is pick up after herself. Some occasional cleaning when I'm not there would be an added bonus. She cant fathom how easy it would make my life if she just took the additional 10 mins in her nightly routine and picked up her mess. Like I said earlier, when she comes home its like the tazmanian devil blew through the house. Purse here, cooler there, mail in another place, keys in another room. Its the same story. One point i stress to her is that my being messy like that leads to eventual lost time and wasted money. 

Like last week for example. She had to go to work in the morning. I was feeding the baby. She finally gathers all her stuff for work and heads to the car and BAM!! she realizes she doesnt have her keys. We spent 10 minutes looking for her keys just to have me find them in the medicine closet. Needless to say had to drive "nascar like" to make it to work on time. I always stress to her that when she comes in from the garage, place her keys on the key holder she bought for the mudroom. The same can be said for her cell phone too. I cant tell you how many odd places ive found that sucker. 

What my wifes sees as harping is only me trying to help her out. Ive told her numerous times that I dont mean to harp or make you feel like a kid, I just try to give you advice to make your life easier. Personally, I am always open for advice to make the things i do more efficient. 

I get frustrated when i come home from work in the morning after the wife had a day off and the house looks like ****. It takes me 30-45 mins just to clean up her mess before i can tackle what I need to get done. It boils down to laziness and not caring. If she would have took 20 mins out of her entire day off and just put things back where they belong then the house would look nice, she might be able to find her things and I would be able to get done my projects resulting in a happier husband. 

These are some examples of what I generally find when i come home that have to be taken care of before I can start my day.

1.Dirty dishes in the sink and on the kitchen counter- We have dishwasher so why cant they go there?

2. Laptop and power cord laying on the floor- 1, this is a trip hazard but why cant they go back in their carrying case when she finishes?

3. Her dirty clothes on the floor and on the dresser in the spare bedroom- Theres a hamper in the same room. I know its laziness when there are dirty clothes on the dresser that is only 6 inches from the hamper. Cant she lift the lid and put the clothes in?

4. Her bath towel laying on the floor in the middle of the spare bedroom- Its not a far walk back to the master bath so the towel can be put back on the "towel rack". 

5.Recyclable products sitting on the kitchen counter- I bought bins and labeled them. Its another short walk to the garage where the bins live. You cant get confused on what goes where.

6. Clothes hangers on the floor and on the dining room table- The box for the hangers in the laundry room is out of her reach and I told her to just put them in a pile on the washing machine and I will put them away. The floor and dining room table doesnt look like a washing machine to me. 

7. Misc items needed to make the baby's food all over the kitchen- I cleared out a whole kitchen cabinet for all of the items we use for the baby. I had all her bottles, liners, nipples, bowls, food, snacks and powder formula all organized and easy to locate in the cabinet. Why not put them back when your done? 

8. Mail laying in different locations- I put a nice rack on the wall for our mail. Its not hard to sort the mail and put things in the rack. I get pissed when I have to call the power company or gas company to get my total for the month because the wife misplaces my mail. No lie, I have found my mail in her car before and in random kitchen cabinets. I thank her for getting the mail but please put the mail away. I cant pay the bills if i cant find them. 

These are just some of the things I find when I get home from work. There are more but im tired of listing them. Maybe im anal about things and maybe Im a neat freak but the one thing I'm not is her personal maid. 

If it doesnt get better soon I'm gonna take the approach that some of my old bosses had when I was coming up in the restaurant business. When they find stuff that wasnt put away where it belonged it gets tossed in the trash. It didnt matter if it belonged to them or not. I watched some sloppy people become well organized after having to dig through the dumpster to retrieve their Chef knife or Chefs jacket on numerous occasions. I never had that problem cause I remember when i was a kid my parents would instill in me that when I was done playing with my toys to put them away. If i didn't they would hide the toy or toys till i learned my lesson. I learned real quick the importance of putting things away.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Kevin,

I am going to respond to your first post before I read through what everyone else has to say, so forgive me if some of this advice has already been said.

-The EA was wrong, plain & simple. Using an innocent person to make your wife jealous is immature. I know it's done and over with, but you need to ask yourself if having her desire you because she is jealous of another woman is really what you want?

-I am like you in the sense that I am a neat freak/OCD about things being clean. My mother was the same way and unfortunately she has passed on the gene to me. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a clean home. A house is a big investment so why wouldn't you want to keep it clean?
I have to wonder how you approach your wife about things? If she is defensive it leads me to believe that you probably come off as authorative & controlling. As a former control freak myself, I can imagine you can be a real treat to deal with at times.
It's that kind of approach that probably makes her feel like you are treating her like a child. Truth be told, you probably are.
I'm not bashing you for that because I can relate to it. I used to be the same way.

- I think counseling would benefit BOTH of you. This problem isn't just her and it isn't just you. There is a major lack of communication going on between the 2 of you and a counselor will be able to help you learn to communicate your needs more effectively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kevin1978 (Nov 18, 2011)

DelinquentGurl- See, dealing with my wife is a guessing game. I was always raised to say please, thanks...etc. So for example before I go to bed I may ask her "hey babe, If you have time tomorrow could you please tackle the guest room for me". Thats what i say verbatim. I never say "you need to or I expect you to" when it comes to doing something. Deep down I do expect her to pitch in around the house but i never say it to her like that. Now when I come home I always ask her how her day was. Followed by how the baby was and then I ask her if she had time to do anything around the house. If its obvious that she did something then I will say how nice it looks. The issue I have with her is how I ask her. Ive had to adjust numerous times the way i ask her. It started out as "could you please do" then "hey babe can you do me a favor and" then now its "hey babe, if you have time today can you". Again, thats how i used to ask her verbatim to get a task done around the house. When we get into an argument and I bring up the fact that she puts zero effort into helping me around the house she says "I dont help out because its the way you ask me..."??? Really?? How else should i ask her. Then she always follows up by saying maybe if you ask like this and then proceeds to tell me how she would like to be asked. One day its gonna get to the point that I'll have to ask her like this "Ma'am is it OK if I ask you to please clean the guest room only if you deem in worthy of your time". 

Communication is a big deal to meal. Ive always had a career that its vital to have good communication. So whenever im around my wife I like to talk about anything and everything. I ask her how her day went, hows work...etc. When we do get into an argument I try to keep a level head at first. I always try and come up with ways to resolve the problem together. Her problem is she is a firm believer that ignoring an issue will fix everything. So once she gets that in her head its game over. She shuts me out and ignores me like the plague. I would rather argue back and forth with her because then I can figure out what bothers her. To shut me out completely is uncalled for. She says that she needs a calming down period so I give her time and ask her to please walk to me when she cools off, but that never happens. Im not perfect but I know what it takes to make a relationship work and I do those things well. I do have my flaws and I admit them. I just feel like my wife wants a lifestyle like she had before we got a house and had a baby. Most of her friends are still single or married without kids. Most of them dont have a pot to piss in but they go out all the time and have fun. So shes hears all about their wild adventures but she forgets that those people dont have the responsibilities that we have or kids either. I told her that we cant take elaborate trips every year or party with our friends every night like we used to. She needs to accept that to have what she has, sacrifices had to be made and will continue too. Theres a little one in our life and to me her needs come above mine and they always will. 


Thanks,
Kevin S.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Kevin,
I can understand your frustration completely. However, I must caution you to not throw away your wife's things. I honestly believe that this would escalate the problem worst and make her feel even more like a child. I also had the issue of never being able to find my things because I just came in a dropped things wherever and kicked my shoes off and went about what I wanted to do and now that I've stopped life is so much easier and I can find my things. 

I have to agree with some of the others in that communication is an issue. If you'd rather throw out her items than try to get to the root of the problem then there is a communication problem. I stand by my advice that I do think she's emotionally checked out in this marriage and every time you say something about the house and her messes it just drives deeper into her and she's questioning why she's staying. I know I was, if he harped on me for something I didn't listen, instead I became more resentful and pulled back even further. 

I agree that counseling would be a great approach for the two of you, but in the meantime you need to lay off about the house and start trying to have productive conversations with her about other things. You must get that connection back between the two of you, I'm sure if you could read her mind when you're harping on her about the house it wouldn't be pretty. 

With all of this said, I am not saying that she doesn't need to learn to clean up after herself, she absolutely does, but to me I think you have to get to the root of the problem, it's not picking up the house. Just my thoughts!


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Your wife is really lazy and should be doing her share around the house.
But, staging the affair or having one(whatever it was) was way nuts and abusive. Don't you realize that making someone think you are having an affair is the same as having one, in terms of impacting the recipient. I would think having done that, it is going to make her less willing to have sex and to share the housework.
Where on earth did you get the idea that doing this would be beneficial. You sound pretty bright, but that was insane. In fact, it may have permanently destoyed her ability to trust you. It was a very bad move, perhaps fatal.


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