# In a slump



## letstalk (Jul 12, 2011)

Re: Advice please....Divorce is near 

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Hi all, have a question. I have been married for 32 years. We have 4 kids two still home. Great kids. My hus is a very good man whose family means everything to him. He or I never cheated. We had our rough times first few years of marraige I guess like everyone else. Here is the problem...I am feeling like I don't want to be married anymore. Through all our married life I have always done everyting, bills, house work, yard work, change lightbulbs, fix anything broken in house (he has no motivation)everything with the kids, their schooling, Dr. appts., his medications (he has health issues) activities, trips, games, movies. Whenever my son asks him to play ball most of the time he says no and I do it with him. I have grown accustom to it just being me and the kids. It occured to me that as long as he is at work and it's just me and the kids I am very happy, when he comes home my whole mood changes. He eats and goes to bed and I am happy again. I lOVE my alone time whether with the kids or by myself just not with him. Besides his depression, He does absolutely nothing wrong, he gives me and the kids everything we want (material) he is very nice it's just his whole life revolves around me. It's me. I thought it was just a faze I am going through but I have been thinking about it way too long now for it to be that. I am afraid to spend the next years on prozac or end up like my mother and father married for 55 years and she has always looked sad. I thought about marraige counselor but to be honest with you I don't even know if anything could be worked out. There is no one else in my life nor do I ever want there to be anymore. I am a very independent person in excellent health and always optimistic, but his depression, and health issues are wearing on me. He has taken several months off of work now for stress and I don't see me lasting another few weeks. I do know that if I ever told him I wanted a divorce it would kill him on the spot since he never would see that coming. I think my kids see it more than him..although I NEVER talk about these things with the younger ones. My older one 30, knows and has known my situation for years and although loves her dad, does support me and understands exactly how I am feeling. She also tells me she wished he was more of a dad to her when she was young.
Don't know what to do...........


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yay! You got your own thread.  LOL. 
Glad you figured it out.

Ok so have you told him how you feel? Would you be willing to do marriage counselling or all you completely done? Does he know where your head is at right now.

You're not having an affair, right?


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## letstalk (Jul 12, 2011)

No no affair! That's not even a thought and never will be. Did not tell him how I'm feeling. for the simple fact, I am trying to give it time to see if it's just something I am going through. He is so nice and very good to me. Never in 32 years abusive...We've had our yelling matches years ago but who hasn't, he is laid back just wants his remote and tv. It's definetely me not him. Let me explain: I've been home a stay at home mom for so many years (which he has provided me to do so) and now he is out of work disabled and may stay out SSDI and we would be receiving about 1,500 dollars less a month. I'm mad that he didn't take better care of himself healthwise over the years as hard as I've tried to help him. He's a diabetic...needle in one hand candy bar in the other. Also suffers from depression. I guess it wasn't enough that both his parents died that way and his grandparents. I feel he's giving up by not going back to work. I'm just a strong independent person and I know that if he would have controlled his diabetes all the other ailments he has would have improved as well. Now it is true that at his job they were hounding him alot I think because of his age and all the mistakes he was making they gave him two verbal warnings....firing is just around the corner. He was working 7 days a week each night until 9pm for about a year trying to catch up. He had trouble writing, speaking, seeing and alot of forgetfulness. And I think all that could have been prevented. Now we may loose the house. I'm a good budgeter but I'm not a magician. So that's where I'm at right now. I'm just ready to send him packing. I fell like such a.....let's say "bad person" and believe me I am not. I do and have done everything for years for him. Including ordering all his meds, doing drs appts, giving him his meds morn and night since he messed up doing it himself. I always have his dinner ready, I'll get up from eating to refill his glass, (even though he never asks me to) I do all the yard work, house work, house repairs, the kids, their schooling, renovating, cleaning, washing, all bills everything. (I am disabled myself) Then I have to listen to him belch, pass gas, tell gross stories (no social skills) It's like Marie and Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond. So I don't know if it's the fact that he'll be around everyday or bringing in less $. And he also gives up life insurance, and kids won't have medical. O well that's about it...Thanks for listening.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

This made me sad. I'm sad to see you giving up on the man who provided for you so that you were home and able to be the one to do everything around the house (yes you get props for doing so)... just when he's falling on his hardest times, possibly losing his job, knowing it and clearly depressed about it, and will suddenly no longer be worht keeping around because he's not the financial package he's been for 32 years. 

I don't know why you would not take the bull by the horns the way you seem to with everything else in your life, when it comes now to your marriage and fight to save it. Smack the man upside the head if you must, but he's clearly in a funk, perhaps fully in depression, about how his life is going. You think he doesn't know, see, sense your lack of desire to be around him? You think he likes feeling like a stranger in his own house? You think he's enjoying falling apart in every way, as a man...and wouldn't cherish being awoken, kicked in the ass with a partner to make a stand TOGETHER to turn it all around?

You've told us and your oldest you're not happy -- but have you really just truthfully told *him*? You're a positive person, a can-do person... how about taking a positive, can-do stance on saving your marriage? Make the MC appointment, and drag him if you must to get there with you. Have a list if you need it on (a) what is making you so unhappy (a good start is listed here), and (b) what you need him to change to keep you 'in it'. Expect excuses and avoidance, but don't accept that. You can make it clear how serious you are, but I think he will understand...ideally you can also make it clear you will be in it for as long as he helps by working at it with you. 

THEN... after providing him the kick to get working at it together... and hopefully, working at it... if you're still unhappy, you can look back and say you really, truly tried to make it work WITH him, instead of *to* him when he wasn't even looking.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I agree with 2xloser and would add that your reasoning seems a bit shallow to me. Depression is a nasty condition that can grab you without notice and keep you underwater for a long time. In one sense, you have enabled your husband to be the way he is. The time to make him somewhat self-sufficient (appointments, etc) was long ago. However, that doesn't mean you can't now tell him he needs to do somethings on his own.

I guess I hear what you are saying but the message I keep getting from your post is that him being home all the time is an annoyance more than anything else.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

I have to feel for 'letstalk' on this matter...she has basically been the mom and dad and it has finally taken its toll on her :scratchhead:...you seem to have come to the conclusion that there is more out there for you..and you know what?..there may or may not be..are you going to live the rest of your life unhappy in a marriage or take a leap and see what lies ahead?..this is going to be your decision..I wish you the best and this is coming from a guy whose wife left him to pursue her own happiness..I am happier now after reflecting on my marriage of 17 years but I did feel very depressed for the first 16 months after she left me.


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## letstalk (Jul 12, 2011)

To MYTWOGIRLS..Thank you for your post and understanding.... I feel as if I may have come to the end. As for looking for greener grass it's not necessarily that and it definetly is not another man I am looking for or woman for that fact. Materialistically we have all that we could want, it's just that though, materialistic. I have checked out emotionally. I thought about a MC but if I'm being honest with myself I think that's just dragging out the inevidible. How many years can you try to help a person who doesn't want help. But because I fear this news will probably throw him over the edge, I'm still in the thinking stages. He really, really, really loves me and the kids and they love him but he hasn't been there emotionally for them in 35 years. His oldest daughters age. Not one of my kids can rememeber the last time he has ever done anything with them. My youngest boy 10 asked him to watch (not even play) him play basketball in our driveway and even put out a chair for him and he said he was too tried. So after seeing my son's face I went out and played with him and that's how it always is. And if I mention anything to my husband about it, he gets mad at me or defensive. Then he'll think about it and promise to do something with him later and doesn't. I think he would see him more as a divorced dad on weekends.


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