# Not sure how to approach my husband... Need a man's perspective



## Sunshine1997 (Jan 27, 2010)

Ok heres the scoop.... I just recently found porn movies under our desk in the den. I kinda had a feeling something was going on. About a week ago I started looking around the den since he only uses that computer. He claims my laptop is too slow so he would rather go in the den and use the other computer. Sure enough I found around 8 movies. He has been staying home in the morning watching the movies on media player after me and the kids leave. Or he will do it when I leave in the morning and take my daughter to school while our two boys are home. Also, we both have different emails but I occasionally use his and he knows this. In the trash folder was an email from Amateur Match.com saying “Don’t forget to Login”. This isn’t a place where you find normal decent people to date, it is for sex and they do webcam, live chat etc. In order for him to receive this email he had to go the site and put in some information like a username and a little other info and then they send you this email to complete the registration. He never completed the registration. 

I haven’t said anything to him about this and my first reaction was to be a little angry. But after giving it some thought I can honestly say that it doesn’t really bother me that he watches porn every now and then as long as it doesn’t interfere with our fun. It DOES bother me that he goes on websites like Amateur Match though and I don’t know what to say to him about this.

We both work at our family business (small car lot) and share a back office. The other day I had my 3yr old with me at work and I had brought a movie for him to watch so I could get a little work done. I opened the disc player on the little tv and sure enough there was a porn movie in there! He knew I had found this movie and made a joke that he found it in a car he had bought and wanted to see what was on it.

Our fun hasn’t changed but for instance the other morning we had a little fun before the kids woke up and when I left to take our daughter to school he then got on the computer and watched a movie for a couple minutes. Right after we had our fun! What’s up with that? Also I still haven’t told him that I know about the porn movies at our home or about the email. I have dropped a few hints but he doesn’t seem to take notice of what I am really saying. When I seen the movie down at our business I had asked him if he had more but he said no. Then I made a comment about that I didn’t care if he watched it but he said he doesn’t do stuff like that. Why the lying? I am not being confrontational or angry so why not just say something like ’yeah I watch it every now and then?’

I have to approach the subject of the email because it seriously bothers me and I want to let him know that I know he watches the movies at home. But I am not sure what to say? Also, when is watching porn too much?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not a man, but I can tell you my run in with the H and porn. After 7.5 years of marriage he finally came out and told me he liked to watch porn sometimes. He said it would come and go in phases. And I said "okay, so what? Who doesn't like a little porn now and again?" And I thought he was going to pass out. He thought I would be furious and be completely disappointed in him, and I told him the only thing that disappointed me was that he lied about it. Just tell me and I will understand. 

So about a week later I made it a point to have him come home for lunch to me sprawled out in bed naked watching a porn movie and "helping myself". Since then, have not had one problem with him not telling me when he wants to watch a little. And I am being invited to come along......lol. Doesnt' work for everyone, but if you like porn too, it can be really fun!

You can ask him hey, I don't mind you watching it but I prefer we watch it together if you are worried about it being too often.


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## laredo (Jan 23, 2010)

I am sure he would enjoy you watching some porn with him. I far as dating sites, he just wants to hear women talk about sex. He is probably telling the truth, it comes and goes. The sex and marriage forum on the site is not porn, but there are some explicit post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have an honest discussion with him on what he feels is missing. Work out how to make your sex life better. My H and I go to those stores occasionally and buy a video together; it helps me get in the mood sometimes. *shrug* I've been open to discussing with him what would make the situation better for him, and we have explored options. He seems pretty happy with such actions (the shopping and viewing, and accessories) on my part. Does he feel like you're on the same side on this issue, or is it him having to struggle to get what he wants? Communication is king.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

My take is that he has an "interest" that he is afraid to share with you. As mentioned earlier, he probably thinks you will be angry/hurt etc. Maybe open a conversation about it by telling him that finding the movie at the office has you curious about them and if he'd be OK bringing one home for the two of you. Let him share his "interest" from there. I think as long at everything stays between you two and you are comfortable with what you're doing/seeing everything should be fine. My bet is that he will love you even more for accepting him and having fun with him. The chatting etc on adult websites is another thing as it involves outsiders in what generally should stay inside the marriage. You know your limits better then anyone on this forum, but at a minimum if that is going to be ok then it should be something you do together and totally transparent.

Best of luck.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The two things that bug me are you putting in a kids dvd and finding porn - if you watch porn and have kids you have to be REAL careful.

And I don't like the dating sight thing. The fact he didn't complete the registration is good - but I think you should just flat ask him about it.

Yes - we men in general like porn, and many of us expect our wives to scold us for wanting to watch it, so we will hide it sometimes.


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## Sunshine1997 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks for the perspectives and advice. We had a wonderful date night the other night and we were talking about the dvd that I had found at our work. As casually as I could I asked if he had any more movies, how often does he watch it and why didn't he ask me to watch with him. I was not accusing in any way matter of fact we were have a great conversation.

I gave him every opportunity to come clean and fess up about all the other dvds that he has and of course he just kept on lying! Now I'm really pissed! He had the balls to say that he rarely watches porn and if he comes across a dvd he will play it. He also said that guys that do that sort of thing all the time are sick and perverted. Funny thing is he does it all the time! Matter of fact he just watched another dvd this morning when I was taking my daughter to school and my two boys were home with him! And that is also after we just had some more fun this morning before the kids woke up?!?! 

Why the lying? Not only did I give him every opportunity to come clean I also was hinting around that I knew about the other dvds. I am blown away by his stupidity!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

A couple of years ago I rented a movie on a night my wife was going to work 3rd shift. I hid it in the glove box of the car.

Before she left for work she asked if I had anything I wanted to tell her - I was a little freaked out but said no. Shortly before she left she called my bluff - she was looking for something in the car and noticed it. At that point there was no reason to lie any more. And she wasn't angry or anything, but curious about why men do this.

It would be so tempting to take his stash and hide it - or casually ask him one day if he's ever seen "Edward Penishands" or whatever he's watching.

Its good that it doesn't hurt your sex life. It still spooks me a bit that it doesn't sound like he's as careful as he should be about it with kids in the house. And of course lying is bad.

Why do YOU think he's doing this?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Try telling him that you were reading on-line and saw where a bunch of people were talking about married men who watch porn. Some of the wives get very upset, some don't think it's a big deal, and some even watch porn with their husbands.

Tell him you're in the "doesn't seem like a big deal as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life" group. And, if he's seen anything in a movie that looks like fun, you might be open to trying it out.


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## Sunshine1997 (Jan 27, 2010)

Nice777guy - For the life of me I can't figure out WHY he is doing this. At first I want to think well maybe Im not good enough, pretty enough, etc but I refuse to make this about me. For the record though I am very petite, long blonde hair, dress nice, wear makeup yadda yadda yadda LOL It doesn't bother me that he watches it every now and then. It DOES bother me a little that he feels the need to go watch it a couple of hours after we just had sex. I understand men use this for release - fine by me, but he just had me a couple hours ago.

Artieb - On our date nite, I did just that! I told him I didn't care if he watched it, just dont hide it from me. And he even said if he sees anything interesting he will let me know. We both laughed.

The lying is just beyond me. And the issue with the sex/dating/personals site is absolutely not ok with me. I guess I will just have to lay it on the line and let him know I what I know. It will be interesting how he justifies the sex site.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I have a hunch that this discussion would probably go best with him tied up and getting smacks on his bottom as you lay out what is acceptable to you and what isn't.

Just a hunch


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## Sunshine1997 (Jan 27, 2010)

> I have a hunch that this discussion would probably go best with him tied up and getting smacks on his bottom as you lay out what is acceptable to you and what isn't.


LMAO! I just might try that... :smthumbup:


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Maybe you should dig out something from his stash and make a point of watching it at some point where he'll discover you doing so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sunshine1997 said:


> Nice777guy - For the life of me I can't figure out WHY he is doing this. At first I want to think well maybe Im not good enough, pretty enough, etc but I refuse to make this about me. For the record though I am very petite, long blonde hair, dress nice, wear makeup yadda yadda yadda LOL It doesn't bother me that he watches it every now and then. It DOES bother me a little that he feels the need to go watch it a couple of hours after we just had sex. I understand men use this for release - fine by me, but he just had me a couple hours ago.
> 
> Artieb - On our date nite, I did just that! I told him I didn't care if he watched it, just dont hide it from me. And he even said if he sees anything interesting he will let me know. We both laughed.
> 
> The lying is just beyond me. And the issue with the sex/dating/personals site is absolutely not ok with me. I guess I will just have to lay it on the line and let him know I what I know. It will be interesting how he justifies the sex site.


 When trying to figure out why someone does something, it's best to try to put yourself in his shoes. Why do adults lie? Because it worked for them as a kid. Why do kids lie? To avoid unpleasantness. What is he trying to avoid by lying?


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