# Sleeping with the enemy



## getoffme (Feb 18, 2010)

Below is my initial thread, since then, im a nervous wreck at times, wondering if I should be sleeping with some kind of weapon near my bed. My trip is 2 weeks away and as soon as I get back Im leaving him. He still has no job, but I cant live like this. Want to know whats the best way of doing this? Should I just leave a note this time? Send my brothers for my things later? I'd hate to put anyone else in danger.



Clingy, caring, creepy.....

This is my story, although Ive already given numerous advice to others but because my username was a little too obvious and I have a feeling my guy is spying on me I had to change my identity.

My story is way complicated, it has 3 phases, at this point Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is an understatement. 

Phase 1 
I was 29 yrs old when I met my guy online, right away we became inseparable. At 6 months he moved in with my brother and I to my house. I had finally found the man of my dreams. He's so loving, romantic, and considerate, cooks, cleans, never have to ask him twice for anything. Always at home. He's generous, is totally in love with me.... the problem is he's too in love with me. He became my shadow, followed me everywhere around the house. He got upset when I made plans w/out him which was almost never cause hed make me feel guilty. He pretty much just wants it to be just us, and at the house we were constantly locked up in my room. Literally locked in.
He gets mad if I do favors for people. All of a sudden he develops road rage, comes out with racist remarks even against his own kind. I realize he's not a nice person. When I tell him he's smothering me and the other things he gets very defensive and threats to move out, later he'd apologize and give me certain space until my next outing. My only true escape was when I pretended Id have to go to the bathroom, that’s the only time I had to myself and I slowly took away the showers together. I felt I had lost a bit of my identity. I no longer felt I was that independent woman and couldnt remember the last time I left the house saying Id be right back. He just wanted to be with me all the time. He'd even stay in bed waiting for me to wake up! At that time he'd have my toothbrush with toothpaste on it ready, at first this was all very cute and I figured it would fade with time, but its been 4 years, now I just want to do things myself. Sex was amazing but he wanted it every night, and i was not up for that, yeah sure at the beginning, but if we skipped 2 nights he'd find a way to make me feel guilty or he'd be really moody. The pressure was constantly there which just turned me off, and made matters worse.

And I'd also lost the relationship I had with my live in brother who's my best friend. We'd run around the house with codes to meet in the kitchen in 10 minutes. That wasn’t the life I wanted to live, but this was the man I wanted to be with. On our 1st year anniversary he pops the question. And I wrapped in excitement with the hope he'd change said YES, after the excitement wore off I began to have my doubts. I wanted to see how life was under our roof, since he claimed he did not feel fully comfortable living in my house and that’s why he'd rather stay in the room, he also used the excuse to say he didn't feel comfortable staying at home if I was not home, therefore I could only go out if he had plans, he was 36 years old at that time, there is no reason why I had to find him a babysitter or activities to keep him busy, He did have a life before me, and he put his friends aside, he says its different cause we were under my roof. My brother is afraid he's very controlling, and feared that we'd never see each other after I marry. I began having panic attacks,anxiety attacks, grinding my teeth which led to a root canal and start thinking he might be responsible. We talk and I express my frustration.

Phase 2.....We moved out and I put my house up for rent. Some stress is taken off but we move into a tiny apt temporarily while he begins the search to purchase a home. The apt is soo tiny I never feel I can really get away from him. Now I begin to suffer from UTI's and bladder problems, we constantly argue, again I bring up the smothering, he hardly lets me spend time with my brothers, we dont have any visitors due to the tiny apt Im stressed and tell him to buy a house he can afford on his own in case things dont work out between us. He no longer pressures me with sex and lays off a bit. At this point there is so much tension that we both have doubts, He tries to buy a house far away from my job and friends and I tell him I wont have it. Finally we find a house to both our likings.

Phase 3....Murphys law, we move to now HIS house and he gets laid off! Since its HIS house all of a sudden he has HIS rules. He wants no visitors (more like my brothers and my friends), no loud music, which I hardly blast music. Everything must be super clean, all of a sudden he's Monk. Curtains are to remain closed, I love the sun! So me being an idiot agree to his [email protected]#king rules but figure if I dont like them I'll leave. 
So Im feeling more like a roomate than a partner and its really getting to me. Im so stressed my bladder problems come back, which kills our sex, regardless Im sooo mad, each time I think of it I get worked up. I cant sleep. I decide to break it off but its been 3 MONTHS that he's been unemployed and I have a big heart. His unemployment checks pay the mortgage and I decide I will wait for him to find a job to leave BUT I break down, he pisses me off, finally invites one of my brothers and not the other after 4 months of living in the new home. I tell him everything including that I plan to leave him, he gets upset, he cries, he begs says he'll change, that he wants to change, that he doesnt want to turn into his father, suggests we go to couples therapy but I dont budge. Night falls and we're still talking, thinking we'll continue in the morning, all of sudden he gets up at night cuz he cant sleep, I feel him walking around, in my paranoia I hear a knife being pulled out of the butcher block and so I call him back to the room and tell him we'll work things out and go to counseling. 
He finally comes to bed and I get up to go the bathroom, as I look over to the kitchen I see the knife on the counter. I confront him and now Im terrified. He says he'd never hurt me, he was gonna hurt himself. I dont sleep all night. Nor the next night. I sleep thru my lunches at work to catch up on my zzzzzz, he knows im afraid and tells me not to fear. I really dont fear for myself although maybe I should, but Im really scared for him. Well a month has passed since then bringing us up to the present, we've gone back as if nothing ever happened but alot of changes have been made. He opens the curtains, he says i can have anyone over , whenever , he's not as anal, he's kissing up big time. Yesterday he had a successfull interview and we r keeping our fingers crossed. I will be leaving the country for a month to visit my family with my brothers. Fortunately my guy cant go cuz of the job situation. I still dont want to marry him and I know for sure I dont want to have a baby with him. My biological clock at the age of 33 next month is ticking in my ear, and I can only hit the snooze button for so long. I dont want him to hurt himself and hoping that after my vacation I will be able to try this once again. Leave him. But what if by the time I get back he still doesnt have a job? Then what? Help! I havent told anyone about the knife til now, I dont want anyone making matters worse or worrying about me. Any insight would be helpful!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can't really give sane advice when the circumstances aren't sane.

If you simply don't go back, that is probably the best option. Is there anyone you can call to act as a 3rd party? A physician, law enforcement? Anyone?


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

Good Lord....get out NOW. You already said yourself you don't want to marry him or have kids with him, so what's the point in staying one more day? You're wasting your time, he apparently has a huge creep-factor and doesn't sound sensible. He sounds incredibly manipulative, saying the right things just to buy him more time with you, then falling back on old behavior. I'd run like the wind.


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## Grace4261 (Jul 6, 2013)

Please do not go back. I know you want to help him but you can not do it. He needs help and you are not going to be able to give him the help he needs. All you will be doing is entering into a very dangerous cycle and ruining your life. Make plans before you go to have what you need taken out of the home and leave everything else behind.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

don't walk....RUN.........before you accidentally on purpose get pregnant and are tied to Mr. Hyde for the rest of your life...period.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

While you are GONE on your trip is an excellent time to have the Sherrif escort your brothers to retrieve your things.

Make sure you have all your financial ducks in a row, have a complete plan for what happens before you leave.
Get a brand new gmail account to communicate with your brother who you will need in order to carry this out.

Your situation sounds like the stuff I watch on the criminal mystery channels....those didn't end so well.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Count your blessings that you arent married to him, getting out will be easier.

And I'd get a restraining order ...good time to have it served is when your brother and the sherrif are retrieving your things. Also pack as much as you can for your trip...you can always drop it in a locker at the airport or wherever to pu when you get back. 
I'd be taking stuff out little by little in a big purse every day and stashing it somewhere. 
Don't give him any warning to any of this....cause my innards are sayin danger will robinson danger!!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

you are going out of the country for a month to be with family and friends. I would liquidate any assets and pack what I must have and simply stay with family and not return

re-read what you wrote in the light of day and see how at the end you are "hoping" that things will change with him and at the same time you are saying you KNOW you dont want to marry or have children with him.....you answered yourself.
33, are you going to waste more time trying to FIX someone you personally cant fix...YOU can't make someone change. You can't fix a broken person...they have to do it (and to do it takes actually doing something about it ) 

As a movie of the week....I hope the ending is that she left to be with family and never turned back...met the man of her dreams she didn't even know existed back then (looking back to now) and lived happily ever after.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

People:

This thread is over THREE YEARS OLD! Poster hasn't been back since April 2010. Hope she got out and got on with her life.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Ooops...I'm new and I'll blame it on forgetting to check the dates of threads.


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