# He says she if just sex buddy.....



## blueirisblue (Sep 14, 2012)

I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Throw his a$$ out and take him for all he's got. This is just absurd; why would you even want to save a marriage with him.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

It may be more common than any of us here would prefer...but that doesn't make it acceptable. Let him have it...life is too short to devote your life to someone who doesn't respect their vows to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

And by let him have it, I mean serve him w papers if this is how he values you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

Open Marriages only work if all parties involve love and trust each other unequivocally. I don't think they work as often as some would like to believe that they do.

With that said, what he is doing is flat out cheating. You are uncomfortable with it. You haven't agreed with opening your marriage.

He is looking for any excuse to keep eating his cake. He wants someone outside of the marriage, and his wife at home for domestic duties (or financial support).

EDIT: Also, any sort of counselling for him or any R (if you attempt it) will not work as long as he is actively engaged in the affair. For your marriage to work, he will have to go NC with this woman. That means blocking her from whatever he is accessing her with.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

You married a cheater who is a selfish person. He is only thinking of him. It is too many STDs or AIDS now to make lite of this sleeping around. Cheaters Lie about everything. He is making weak a.. excuses. It is no reason for him to direspect you . A sex buddy is for someone that is single. You need to start living life without him. Sounds like he will continue to cheat on you. He is not sorry for cheating (only that you found out).. Girl you need to just cut your loses. He is all on the internet trolling for sex..That is just nasty ..

Your best friend would never hurt you like this man did now. Your husband is no longer your best friend.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Ask him if it was you that had a sex buddy how he would feel.

Good luck
WD


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Your husband still has an emotional connection to his ex..You need to know that may not change.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Yes, you can have a friend with benefits BUT NOT when you are married!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I'm so sorry your here...your discovery this week must have been devastating!

Is saying she's just a 'sex buddy' supposed to make you feel better and be ok about him being a cheating scumbag? I can understand why you are so heartbroken. 

It's funny isn't it... cheaters seem to love to make light of the 'sex'....saying it means nothing (never hear the BS say that though... it certainly means something to them). Yet they put all that energy into finding a fu*kbuddy and keeping it a secret from their spouse with secret email a/c's, secret cell phones, secret meetings.... Energy that SHOULD have been spent on the spouse...fixing what isn't working within the marriage. 

Suppose now you have to decide what to do...are you going to forgive?
He will need to end the affair and commit to the marriage if your going to repair the damage his affair has done.... do you think he will do this?

Will you go to marriage counselling? Will he?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So, we're you a refuser and he found somebody else? Did he tell you ahead of time that he was going to start looking if you continued to reject him? Or was he the refuser?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

No okay and not acceptable. He's trying to justify by saying sex is not good in the marriage but he didn't say anything about it. Worse is it sounds like you're buying it. 

To make matters worse, this was premeditated. He didn't get into an EA by accident. He planned this fog free.

Hold him accountable or your position of control in the marriage will go down hill fast. Personally I think make him leave the house. Anything less than full ownership on his part and full effort to fix himself should not be an option.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

blueirisblue said:


> I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? *Can you really have a FWB?*


This is not something that fits in my marriage.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

He is friends with benefits with You, as long as fits suit for him. Then he will stay with a younger women when she wants him to stay I am afraid,


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Blueirisblue
I know exactly how you feel.
This is absolute betrayal and my heart goes out to you. 
R from this would be a long painful journey and would take a lot of strength on your part, and total commitment on his. 
Do keep coming here to TAM, you will get a lot of support.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

cake 

.....eater

Sadly yet another one - if only they could all find and move off to some planet for themselves 

and live happily ever after


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

No no no not all right. 
It's not 'just' oral sex - it's called CHEATING


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Is it common? No.

But, if you were not sexual with him, there is a very good chance he will turn to someone else for sex.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Good grief, no it is not ok.
Look if BOTH of you want to have an open marriage, then that's fine, its not my cup of tea, but it wouldn't be my marriage. But, he can't go running around with some other chick, behind your back and then say "its nothing". The fact that he didn't tell you before hand shows he knew it was wrong, too. Otherwise there's nothing to keep secret. He is messing with your mind. I agree with the others who say kick him to the curb.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The we were just living like roommates statement is very common. Only thing is I never had sex with one of my roommates. The FWB thing only works when you are not in a relationship. What your husband wants is an open marriage on his side. Of course he will say you can have someone too. But in this situation he will go ape s*** when you find someone.

The thing he does not realize is that you "might" have agreed to an open marriage if he had asked long before the affair. Now you will have a hard time trusting him.

Time for you to figure out what you are willing to live with or not.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Writer said:


> Open Marriages only work if all parties involve love and trust each other unequivocally. I don't think they work as often as some would like to believe that they do.
> 
> With that said, what he is doing is flat out cheating. You are uncomfortable with it. You haven't agreed with opening your marriage.
> 
> ...


Honest studies show that open marriages do not work. 

There is eventually, invariably, a break-down.


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## blueirisblue (Sep 14, 2012)

Wow, thanks for all the support! I am not sure what the outcome of all this will be. I vacillate back and forth between anger-pain and guilt. I guess it is a normal part of the grieving process. I am grieving my lack of trust in him and in myself. I will honestly admit to a big lack of sex in our relationship, it was not always that way. To make a very long story short, I had a traumatic injury where I was in a wheelchair, off work for 14 months and really lost a lot of my self-esteem during the process. He was more than supportive during the entire ordeal. But I have recovered, returned to work (with a big promotion) and have moved forward. I am wondering if that also is not a part in this whole thing. Now that I am back on my feet (literally) if he doesn't feel as important or needed? 

I hate the fact that I can not trust him. I don't want to keep snooping his phone and computer, but I almost feel as if I have to! I have phone records of him talking to her and e-mails and pictures they sent each other in a safe place. Is that what I need if this continues? 

He has been fairly open about the whole thing and as far as I can tell has met my demand to stop all contact with her. I just wonder if I should be very quiet about the fact that I can still trace his phone calls.... and give him the room to hang himself...


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I know this is something that ain't going to make me the most loved poster but 9 time out of 10 these so called "cougars" marrying younger guys will end up like this. I've seen it time and time again. When I was in my 20's and 30's I believed older women were very sexy and "dated" a number of them. Now that I'm in my 60's, not so much. 
I'm married to a woman 9 years younger than me. Although she is in her early 50's, it's a better match and I find her most desirable. If it were the other way around, I'd probably feel different and would be noticing the newer crop. Sorry Blue, but most men are like that. Dump the boy and get you a man more your age that can't keep his hands off your tush. We older guys appreciate what we have at home and not a likely to stray.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

missmolly said:


> No no no not all right.
> It's not 'just' oral sex - it's called CHEATING


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## glen55 (Sep 13, 2012)

blueirisblue said:


> I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?


I can strongly empathize with you. I lived with a Passive-aggressive woman for 12 years. For the sake of your on self worth, identity, and dignity, kick him out and sue the butt off him. Make him get his bit of tail the hard way. Just because he implies you are not sexually exciting and worth treating with respect, honesty, and consideration doesn't mean it's true. He might might think you are powerless to him but I guarantee you can show him he is well and truly wrong. If you don't you will just be an "enabler" for him and that is a very self destructive path.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

blueirisblue said:


> I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?


There is a movie that sometimes shows on the Sundance channel titled "the freebie"

In it the husband is bored with sex and each time the wife tries to spice it up and initiates sex he pushes her away. 

He finally convinces her that each should get one free sexcapade. 

He has his fugg fest, she deals with it, and then she goes out to have hers and comes home he calls her a Sl*^t and starts a fight. 

Prior the marriage was excellent in all departments except for the sex becoming boring to the Husband. 

I think a lot of cheaters, male or female, push their spouses away sexually and then blame the spouse.

I mean how many times can you reject someone's advances before they stop trying.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Point blank, pack up and leave.

Your husband is far from being a decent man. He's very disrespectful and will not change.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Honest studies show that open marriages do not work.
> 
> There is eventually, invariably, a break-down.


So do convencional marriages, look to the divorce statics, look at indidelity research, look at this place!


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> There is eventually, invariably, a break-down.


Last time I checked the statistics in 2010, I think the statics were 4% to 9% of U.S adults have some form of open relationship. Some say, it's actually less than 1%.

Some researchers suggest that an open marriage has a 92% failure rate in 2010. While that is close to 100%, it isn't. 

I do know that a couple down the street and one that my husband works with do have open relationships (marriages). They have been in them for 4 -8 years. 

Any relationship could lead to a breakdown if you do not actively nourish the relationship. Whether it is an open marriage or a conventional marriage, it's just semantics.

Sorry for the TJ, BlueIris

It's not an open marriage, however, Blue. You never agreed to this in the first place. If you didn't agree, it isn't an open marriage. He is just using an excuse (albeit a weak excuse) to have his cake and eat it too. 

If it were me, I would just leave. Fill paperwork, and, if he doesn't come around (and drop his AP), then divorce him.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

blueirisblue said:


> ...To make a very long story short, I had a traumatic injury where I was in a wheelchair, off work for 14 months and really lost a lot of my self-esteem during the process. He was more than supportive during the entire ordeal.
> ..
> But I have recovered, returned to work (with a big promotion) and have moved forward. I am wondering if that also is not a part in this whole thing. Now that I am back on my feet (literally) if he doesn't feel as important or needed?...


I think you are right, during that injury time you both got in a needing/caring relationship, with no sex, like a hospital situation. Then you quit from this situation by healing.

The next, the success on you part, is maybe the second blow to his self esteem. Not only you go by to his position by recovering, now you leaped forward, and he stayed behind.

Did you talk to him about his feelings about both?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't like blanket statments at one point he was a good husband who was faithful and loving, right? He made a choice one that he will pay dearly for he chose to cheat!!

That doesn't mean the marriage was a farce, joke, or not real it means he made a crappy choice and will have to live with the circumstances.

I personally can definitely see where your husband is coming from that may sound harsh and selfish and it 100% is. Most mean think about sex so much it really is a all day every day deal. I'm not saying woman don't just in my experience 9/10 times it's the man who is under sexed. With that said I thankfully have never cheated because I know it's a personal issue with me not my wife.

Your husband made the opposite choice instead of working on the marriage he chose a ACT to spice something up. To answer your question can they just be FWB most definitely they can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

blueirisblue said:


> I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?


It is not common, it is not right. He must stop this behaviour NOW if there is any chance for your relationship.


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## blueirisblue (Sep 14, 2012)

D Day post one week. I get through my day without crying and even smile and laugh on occasion. Tomorrow I go back to work, I work 24 hour shifts and I am worried about leaving him to his own devices! I can't get over the thoughts that in a way I am giving him the opportunity to hang himself and prove to me that he will still cheat. That he has only been on his best behavior because he has not had the opportunity to continue his EA. It is almost as if I want to catch him so I can justify my feelings of doubt and insecurity! This sucks, I morn the loss of trust in our relationship.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Our stories are very similar. I quit having sex w/H and he went elsewhere - said the same thing, just a sex buddy. 
Anyway, it's been almost 4 months into R, and I still feel that way when I leave home for the day. He's done nothing to make me think that he will, he's been loving and working on our marriage as best he can. 
But in fact, I have tomorrow off, and am thinking about heading up to our lake home tonight, he'll join me tomorrow. I'm not sure if I will do it because of that little voice saying "What will he do alone in the house tonight?...how can I trust him?" I have never been that way in our entire relationship (23 years together, 18 married). And I'm very sad that it is this way.

And sorry to say this, but the marriage you knew - it's gone. It's dead. If you are reconciling, you have to rebuild a NEW marriage and figure out what works for you. You'll get better in time, but know that it will never be the same.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

blueirisblue said:


> I just found out that my husband of 7 years joined a social sex site and has hooked up with a woman for sex. I am 50 and he is 43. We are the best of friends to the point that we do everything together and our relationship has lacked passion in the bedroom without a doubt. He says that we have become more like room mates and loves everything about our life except for the sex. I see this as the highest level of betrayal and I am destroyed. Not only the sex with another woman but the bigger point that he gave up and could not talk to me about his feelings. I guess my question is.... is this common in society today? Can you really have a FWB?


I think your WS has been doing this for a long time. The failure in the bedroom probably started once he looked outside the marriage to get laid. I also doubt this was a one time thing. I would start with full transparency and him sending this OW a NC letter. I would also check his email and facebook. It could be likely that the woman could be an escort or prostitute. you need to get tested for STD's and so does he. I would kick him out until you both came back clean.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What is he doing to earn you back?? He should be willing to chop off his left nut and serve it to you on a silver platter if that's what you need to heal from this. If he isn't willing to do that, get rid of him. Read my story. That's what I did when I discovered my husband on Sexsearch and Adult Friend Finder. Kicked his a$$ out that very day. The only reason we're reconciling is because HE decided he wanted to and WAS willing to chop off his left nut if I told him to.


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## blueirisblue (Sep 14, 2012)

Slowly my mind is getting to a better place and our relationship is improving. I made the decision to stop looking for him to screw up by watching his phone and internet activity. Looking and watching was keeping me from moving on. I have to put faith and belief back into our relationship, if I keep the attitude that I am just waiting for him to mess up then I will never really let this go. My reality has changed, my life has changed, I don't want to play games. I refuse to have anything other than a honest try at R.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Common? Yes. Normal? No. Moral? No.

I am truly sorry that you're going through this. Your husband is being hideously selfish. It's time to 180. Believe me, you will become much more attractive to him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> Our stories are very similar. I quit having sex w/H and he went elsewhere - said the same thing, just a sex buddy.
> Anyway, it's been almost 4 months into R, and I still feel that way when I leave home for the day. He's done nothing to make me think that he will, he's been loving and working on our marriage as best he can.
> But in fact, I have tomorrow off, and am thinking about heading up to our lake home tonight, he'll join me tomorrow. I'm not sure if I will do it because of that little voice saying "What will he do alone in the house tonight?...how can I trust him?" I have never been that way in our entire relationship (23 years together, 18 married). And I'm very sad that it is this way.
> 
> And sorry to say this, but the marriage you knew - it's gone. It's dead. If you are reconciling, you have to rebuild a NEW marriage and figure out what works for you. You'll get better in time, but know that it will never be the same.


I find this fascinating. So, do you still avoid sex and believe he'll be happy and celibate? Or have you changed your part too? There was a very long thread a couple months ago that suggested that if wives don't put out then husbands will eventually go elsewhere. It was posted as a warning to refusing wives. There were a lot of very strong feelings on both sides. I wonder how you feel about the subject. The OP too. If you become a chronic refuser again is this something that you'll just expect?


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## blueirisblue (Sep 14, 2012)

I have never refused sex. In our case we just stopped having sex and then NEVER talked about it. I was thinking that perhaps with us both getting a little older that it lost its importance in or that he had a low testosterone issue. (I am also newly post-menopause so there is sure a hormone issue with me!) One of our biggest problems was that we had a lack of any communication in this area. When all this came to light we discussed that he wanted me to be more aggressive and although he agreed that I had never refused him he felt that by him being the aggressor that I would have sex with him out of "duty" and not because I wanted it or him. I believe that he was looking for a spark and excitement by seeking out a FWB-NSA relationship. 

Our relationship has always been one with comfort and little drama (until I found out about his sex friend) and we rarely ever disagree and in our 10 years have only ever really had a couple of fights. So perhaps there is a lack of passion all around in our marriage. We have discussed that many times and I thought that he was very happy with the lack of drama in our life-at least that is what he told me! 

So, I can honestly say that I am not a chronic refuser, more like a chronic disengaged from reality and sex communication.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you are rug sweeping his affair. Where are the consequences? I understand "snooping" is no fun but where I sit, I see a man who got a "taste of strange" & will want to keep eating.

I mean no disrespect & feel horrible for you because you seem like an honorable & strong person.

I guess I'm just confused.....sorry.


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