# Trying to understand him - is it cultural or personal?



## anitablake (Aug 5, 2012)

I'm a 26 year old female from Korea. I have lived in the States when I was younger and certainly don't fit in the traditional culture in Korea. I dated two guys from the States, in fact, just ended the second relationship each after dating 15 months and 10 months. I thought I understand the "western culture" well enough, at least in the head, but it seems like I'm failing to understand the dating culture. The two guys I dated both were very liberal, free-minded, travel-addicts, so they didn't fit in living in the States either, so I'm not sure if the problem was cultural or personal conflict, or little of both. 

I met my recent ex-bf, 36 years old, in my city last year and had two wonderful months. Then he went back to visit his parents in the States for Thanksgiving and Christmas. He said he'll be back in January. Then I made plans to live around the world, about three months at a time, and started off to Bangkok in January. By that time my ex had already told me he will come to live in Bangkok soon. He hates using phone (but I love to) so we mostly talked through email, chat and occasional voice chat. 

He kept putting off his trip and confessed in January that he's working on a project which will earn him some subscription income. He and his friend runs a web design agency which he wanted to quit, so he was working on another source of income while living at his parents' house to save on rent. We decided we'll meet in Paris, instead of Bangkok, in March. 

We did, and had three very fun months together. He said he has hard time concentrating on work... I had to move to London due to visa restriction, but he said he couldn't afford the rent in London, and also needed alone time to finish his work. He had very little money at the time, was on the verge of splitting with his business partner and couldn't find a cheap house in Paris for himself. I lent him some money for the flight to Berlin where he said he could find cheaper places. 

When it was time for me to go back to Korea, I visited him in Berlin for four days. He didn't have to, but he got a decent hotel for the three nights I was there, when he slept in dormitory bunk beds before and after my visit. He made a list of all the cafes and restaurants he wanted to take me, which we paid together. But something wasn't right during those days. He kept on wanting to point out what he didn't like about me. Little things like my taste for clothes, my preference on interior style. We couldn't really communicate pleasantly.

I returned home to Korea for 2 months to organize my little businesses and get a working holiday visa for Germany. It wasn't particularly for my bf, it was the most convenient visa to get that allows me to travel Europe for a whole year. 


During the first month, my bf's financial situation got worse and so did our relationship. He didn't have 13 euros for the next day's bed so he checked out and checked in the hostel every day. He sold his old iphone3 for his nights. Almost sold his external hard disk. He still hasn't finished his work so he has almost no income. He told me only very little of his problems as he didn't enjoy sharing his problems with others. During all this, I grew angry at him for not communicating with me better, he grew tired. 

I was really upset but he never said anything about our relationship. So I finally asked him if it wouldn't be a burden for him if I came to Berlin, and he said I should come as a friend. He went on about how I should try dating someone nearer my age, how he really like me and enjoyed the time we spent together, how we should keep on talking, and how we could meet next year when things are better for him. 

I changed my plans to go to Munich instead, and he now emails me pretty quickly whenever I answer his email. He says he wants to come to Munich too. But no commitment, no relationship for him now. Just friends. 

I thought he should feel sorry for letting all this happen. I thought he should apologize for letting "us" go to save his stress. But he said he doesn't think neither of us need to say sorry at all. 

I now understand a little better how the financial stress can do to a person. But what I don't understand is, why couldn't he explain all this and ask for a break? why did he have to wait until I asked? He would always pick up the phone or answer my emails with no heart in it and leave me go upset? Why doesn't he understand that the most important thing for me is just to feel loved?

When I talk to my Korean girl friends, my ex is just an extremely selfish person who may not have liked me all that much. It may be true. He's 36 and he's never dated anyone as long as he did with me. (and ours is only 10 months, half long-distance!)

I know it's all over but I feel so angry. Especially when I read that he doesn't think he needs to apologize. He did - I'm sorry for anything I have caused or done - without really feeling sorry.

Help me understand what's inside his heart and brain. Thanks in advance for your comments and advice.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sounds like he never meant for the relationship to go "long term". He was just looking for someone to have fun with, while he had the money & then tried to work out his finances.

He was too stressed financially to worry about you or about your "relationship". I really really think this guy did NOT go into it thinking of it as a relationship. As anything committing to long term. 

If you would... at any point have met someone wonderful & great , & called your ex and said.. "hey, March is off, because I've met someone great". I think he would have been perfectly fine with it.

In his mind, he does not need to offer an apology. What did he ever commit to to apologize about? Sure, he had financial problems that caused a rift & delay in his lifestyle. But, I don't think he went out on a limb to "catch you".... or in that matter, he also did not go to any extent to "keep you" either.

Just let that fish swim away & cast your net out for bigger & better fish in the sea.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Oh... and to answer your question... I think it is personal. That was just that guy's personality not to settle down.

Maybe the two guys you dated from the States both have the same type of personality... but, I wouldn't assume that it is cultural. I don't know and have never met the type of guys that have money to go jetting around the world. But, in my opinion, they would be rare "play it up" type of guys & not looking for commitments.

In the cultural sense, there are many men who do not want commitments in the States (without jetting around the world) ... But there are also very many good mature, healthy men in the States that would love to meet independent young women (Korean or not) and are looking for long term commitments. 

The States is such a mixed pot of cultures, that It really depends on each man you meet. But the ones who go jetting over to Paris, Berlin, Bangkok & Germany... are not usually the type you look to have a long term lifestyle with.

Don't assume that all men from United States are a great catch... just like we shouldn't assume that all young ladies from Korea are thin, beautiful and intelligent.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Your friends sound right on the mark. He doesn't sound like he was ever very committed and was trying to take the cheap way out by having you break up with him and you forced his hand. If he cares about you he'd stick by you through the stress. He sounds very wishy washy. You're young. Don't waste your time on a 36 year old guy who obviously doesn't have his act together and pushes you away.


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## anitablake (Aug 5, 2012)

I somehow feel catharsis reading your comment, Chelle. Thank you. I tried to deny it when my friend told me something similar but I can see it clearly now. 

But then, how do you know if someone's meaning to go 'long term' though? How do you know before you start? Can you only by the lifestyle? It's not like all the traditional work-and-live-at-one-place people seek long term relationship. Asian guys tend to have a longer standard than western guys, it seems, but on the personal level, HOW DO YOU KNOW?!


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

If you are constantly trying to figure a guy out that means he is just not that into you. When you find the right man you will feel loved like a princess and there will be no limit as to what that man will do for you. Best to just let go of all this.


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## anitablake (Aug 5, 2012)

Haha just read your second comment Chelle  

The problem is I am the one who jets around as well... I've had this dream for years, to live around the world - I wanted to live 1~2 years at a place but it was too hard in reality due to jobs, visas, etc. I've been wishing to meet a guy who has the willingness and capability to travel with me, and this guy just showed up in my life. 

The problem is I'm always looking for stable relationship when I myself am so changing and unstable. I have dated a few who are really stable but felt suffocated.

I guess I need to get over this vagabond urge first and then settle down myself to look for someone who would do the same. 

Thanks for sweet remakrs!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

heartsdelight said:


> Your friends sound right on the mark. He doesn't sound like he was ever very committed and was trying to take the cheap way out by having you break up with him and you forced his hand. If he cares about you he'd stick by you through the stress. He sounds very wishy washy. You're young. Don't waste your time on a 36 year old guy who obviously doesn't have his act together and pushes you away.


Hey...36 years old is young too. :-(


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Oh of course, I didn't mean to imply otherwise. I just meant 36 is old enough to figure out what the crap you're doing in life and not dangle along a girlfriend like it seems he did.


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## anitablake (Aug 5, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> If you are constantly trying to figure a guy out that means he is just not that into you.


I'll keep this in mind. Yeah... my girl friend who recently got engaged after dating 7 years and almost gave her bf ultimatum, never worried about him not loving her. I should never have to worry whether he likes me or not, if he really liked me.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

It's true. Relationships require communication and nobody's perfect. But you should know (eventually) how a person feels about you. I feel like after ten months you should have a better idea, and if not it's because he doesn't want to give you one, he's stringing you along.


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## anitablake (Aug 5, 2012)

What does he gain from stringing me along, though? I disregarded that possibility because I thought he has nothing to gain from it... It seems like awfully lot of work for me.
To have someone to email to? To meet up and have sex "as friends" if we happen to be in the same city again? Isn't the gain too little compared to the effort?
I found this stringing with my other experiences too. Guys don't ever break up with me, they wait until I'm so fed up and cut the tie. Why do they wait? To avoid looking bad? Just because they are indecisive? Because it doesn't bother them so much? Because they like to keep one or two almost-dead fish swimming in their pool until they catch a new one?

Oh, me and my questions! It's a really eye-opening experience to talk to people who have much more love experience than me or my peers!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

What does he gain from stringing me along, though? 
-Not having to do the breakup.
To have someone to email to? -eh, maybe.
To meet up and have sex "as friends" if we happen to be in the same city again? - Bingo.
Isn't the gain too little compared to the effort? 
-What effort? He doesn't have to look for or impress someone new.

Why do they wait? - Probably lazy.. this one seemed immature.
To avoid looking bad? 
-they probably don't care about looking bad in your eyes.
Just because they are indecisive? - maybe , but probably not
Because it doesn't bother them so much? - again, Bingo!
Because they like to keep one or two almost-dead fish swimming in their pool until they catch a new one? -- And probably Double Bingo!!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

heartsdelight said:


> It's true. Relationships require communication and nobody's perfect. But you should know (eventually) how a person feels about you. I feel like after ten months you should have a better idea, and if not it's because he doesn't want to give you one, he's stringing you along.


:iagree:

anitablake - Also.. I'd say after a month or two at most.. If you are not comfortable enough to ask.. Hey, what's up in your future? What are you planning to do? WHat are your life goals? Then swing the conversation around to you two as a couple. Do you see me in this future of yours?? What age do you see yourself starting to look for a steady long term girlfriend.

If he can't answer honestly & the honest answers being compatible with your lifestyle & goals, then cut that one loose and don't let him keep you dangling on the string... Then again, don't string him along either.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

anitablake said:


> What does he gain from stringing me along, though? I disregarded that possibility because I thought he has nothing to gain from it... It seems like awfully lot of work for me.
> To have someone to email to? To meet up and have sex "as friends" if we happen to be in the same city again? Isn't the gain too little compared to the effort?
> I found this stringing with my other experiences too. Guys don't ever break up with me, they wait until I'm so fed up and cut the tie. Why do they wait? To avoid looking bad? Just because they are indecisive? Because it doesn't bother them so much? Because they like to keep one or two almost-dead fish swimming in their pool until they catch a new one?
> 
> Oh, me and my questions! It's a really eye-opening experience to talk to people who have much more love experience than me or my peers!


For a lot of people, if there isn't the explicit communication about the long-term feasibility of a relationship, then they will be content to string someone along until that relationship dies and they move on to some new conquest. In your case, the guy probably saw you as being willing and available, so he didn't put too much effort into the relationship. He also didn't have the guts to cut things off with you up front. 

Some people are lazy and don't like being the "bad guy" and ending a relationship and on top of that, if there's some benefit, sexual or otherwise, then they won't take any kind of action until the other person does. You are the "back up" plan from the start or become so over time. It's not fair, but that's how it goes sometimes.


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## anitablake (Aug 5, 2012)

tm84 said:


> For a lot of people, if there isn't the explicit communication about the long-term feasibility of a relationship, then they will be content to string someone along until that relationship dies and they move on to some new conquest.





Chelle D said:


> :iagree:
> 
> anitablake - Also.. I'd say after a month or two at most.. If you are not comfortable enough to ask.. Hey, what's up in your future? What are you planning to do? WHat are your life goals? Then swing the conversation around to you two as a couple. Do you see me in this future of yours?? What age do you see yourself starting to look for a steady long term girlfriend.
> 
> If he can't answer honestly & the honest answers being compatible with your lifestyle & goals, then cut that one loose and don't let him keep you dangling on the string... Then again, don't string him along either.



I didn't know about this! In Korea the normal relationship starts with a guy confessing his love to a girl, commonly with semi-marriage-proposal event(I'm trying to sound a bit dramatic ^^) to ask her to be his girlfriend. So girls never have a problem understanding that this guy wants a 'relationship'. My last American bf was an old classmate I had known and hung out in groups for 3 years and he had to tell me that he liked me and wants to start a relationship.

It was my first time I met a total stranger and started dating. I didn't know you do need to talk about the prospects! I thought 1~2 months would be too soon to talk about those stuff.. it sounds like 'do you want to marry me'...no? haha

Thanks for the advices!


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

anitablake said:


> I didn't know about this! In Korea the normal relationship starts with a guy confessing his love to a girl, commonly with semi-marriage-proposal event(I'm trying to sound a bit dramatic ^^) to ask her to be his girlfriend. So girls never have a problem understanding that this guy wants a 'relationship'. My last American bf was an old classmate I had known and hung out in groups for 3 years and he had to tell me that he liked me and wants to start a relationship.
> 
> It was my first time I met a total stranger and started dating. I didn't know you do need to talk about the prospects! I thought 1~2 months would be too soon to talk about those stuff.. it sounds like 'do you want to marry me'...no? haha
> 
> Thanks for the advices!


You forgot to add the part about when they talk in the pouring rain.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

piggyoink said:


> You forgot to add the part about when they talk in the pouring rain.


???


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## blueberrypancake (Sep 11, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> anitablake - Also.. I'd say after a month or two at most.. If you are not comfortable enough to ask.. Hey, what's up in your future? What are you planning to do? WHat are your life goals? Then swing the conversation around to you two as a couple. Do you see me in this future of yours?? What age do you see yourself starting to look for a steady long term girlfriend.
> 
> If he can't answer honestly & the honest answers being compatible with your lifestyle & goals, then cut that one loose and don't let him keep you dangling on the string... Then again, don't string him along either.


Really? There's a system for everyone? Maybe everyone and every situation is different. How about going with your instincts rather than rules. Some of the best relationships had a break at the beginning, sometimes people need that to realize what they have.

He's still talking to you because he likes you. Trust me, if they don't like you they wont even talk to you. If he hasn't beat you, cheated on you, or puts you down, stick with him through his tough time and support him, might just turn out to be the best relationship ever.


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