# My Husband Has been speaking with another woman



## lisa_513 (Apr 15, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 30 years, with two children, (now young adults) my husband hase been sick on and off for 18 years, he wind up on dialysis, and after 3 long years, he finally had a double transplant, I am forever grateful that I finally have my husband back, and now we are finally enjoying life....My husband was very curious to know who was his donor, and one day he received a letter from the mom of the donor, which im surprised the transplant organization allowed this, my husband found out the tele. number of this woman and he called her, just at first wanted just to know how the donor was, and wanted to know her likes and dislikes, and then be done with it....Well now the mom just will not leave my husband alone she calls him every week talks to him on the phone for a very long time not just to say hi and see how he is feeling to talk to him and tell him about her rocky marriage her life etc.. and she also texts him on his phone checking in.....I really tried to understand her, and maybe I said she is grieving and my husband is her crush and shoulder to cry on, but I honestly think she is in love with my husband, he says there is nothing there on his part, but when I ask him why he continues to allow this, he says I feel sorry, and I don't want to be rude I do share her daughters organs...I told him that is an excuse, she is gone 2 years now....I feel so left out and alone in this because its all the time she is calling his cell phone and he tries to hide it when I ask he lies I can tell....I just do not know if I should call her and ask her what is the problem, and do you realize he is married with a family and we are trying to live again......I Need Advice please!!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your husband is a living connection to her dead child. As long as your husband lives, a part of her child does, too. This woman basically gave your husband back his life, in a way. I can understand why she might want to have some sort of relationship with him and I can understand why he wouldn't want to offend her. 
If you have made these phone calls a huge source of drama for your husband, it's not surprising that he'd conceal them from you or lie to you about them. What does the phone bill show? Is he calling her or is he merely answering when she calls? 
I'd normally cringe at the thought of a married man talking to another woman so often but this situation contains elements that most don't have (the donated organ of somebody's child). I've never buried one of my kids (Thank God) and hope I never have to. I honestly can't say I'd react completely rationally if I knew some part of them still existed on this earth. If I were near death or a slave to dialysis and someone was gracious enough to donate a part of their dead child to help me, I can imagine it would be really tough to say, "hey, thanks for the kidney, but your calls are annoying. Get lost." You've been with this guy 30 years and you've given him kids. If you don't have grandkids together, you probably will soon. I think you have very little to be insecure about. It might ease your pain and your husband's too, if you befriended this woman, too. They wouldn't have to keep the calls a secret. You'd probably have a better feel for how difficult it might be for your husband to tell her to get lost. This woman might be really pitiful. Everyone grieves in their own way and I suspect every organ recipient deals with that in their own way.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I can understand your H not wanting to upset this woman if she is grieving and lonely. No doubt he is grateful to her for his health and rightly so. 

However I do understand your concerns if he is speaking with her privately on a frequent basis. I do think you should speak with her but not to warn her off. If all is innocent I don't think you husband should mind you contacting her to thank her yourself for allowing her daughter's organs to be given upfor transplant. Try and get to know her a bit and gauge her intentions. It may be that she is just lonely and needs friendship and in that regard you might be able to take over from your husband, but don't get too deep. Again, if there's nothing untoward going on your H may well be glad for you to take over all or much of the communication. 

Make sure your H knows your intention is to thank and empathise with her grief. You might even suggest she get counselling to deal with her issues. By talking to her youself you can be reassured that she is aware he does have a wife and family and a life but let her know this in a positive way rather than a warning way and see how that goes. You can always review things down the line but hopefully it won't be neceessary to warn her off. 

As for your H, as well as thinking about not upsetting this woman, he needs to ensure he is not upsetting you. You should be his priority and he needs ensure that you do not feel left out anymore.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Your husband is a living connection to her dead child. As long as your husband lives, a part of her child does, too. This woman basically gave your husband back his life, in a way. I can understand why she might want to have some sort of relationship with him and I can understand why he wouldn't want to offend her.
> If you have made these phone calls a huge source of drama for your husband, it's not surprising that he'd conceal them from you or lie to you about them. What does the phone bill show? Is he calling her or is he merely answering when she calls?
> I'd normally cringe at the thought of a married man talking to another woman so often but this situation contains elements that most don't have (the donated organ of somebody's child). I've never buried one of my kids (Thank God) and hope I never have to. I honestly can't say I'd react completely rationally if I knew some part of them still existed on this earth. If I were near death or a slave to dialysis and someone was gracious enough to donate a part of their dead child to help me, I can imagine it would be really tough to say, "hey, thanks for the kidney, but your calls are annoying. Get lost." You've been with this guy 30 years and you've given him kids. If you don't have grandkids together, you probably will soon. I think you have very little to be insecure about. It might ease your pain and your husband's too, if you befriended this woman, too. They wouldn't have to keep the calls a secret. You'd probably have a better feel for how difficult it might be for your husband to tell her to get lost. This woman might be really pitiful. Everyone grieves in their own way and I suspect every organ recipient deals with that in their own way.


I totally agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'll throw out some suggestions that maybe you can work with:

1. Do you and your husband regularly go to church? Does he respect the opinion of your pastor / whatever? If so, have a word with him/her, maybe they will also see something unhealthy in this relationship and help your husband ease away from this relationship with the mother of the organ donor.

2. I can't believe that the organisations that assist with organ donations have not dealt with these sorts of relationships. Therefore, they must also have an opinion and a position regarding them. Also, I would imagine that they have or should have some responsibility in dealing with the loved ones of the organ donor. Once again, pursue these organisations to seek guidance in how to deal with this.

3. Finally, if this woman insists on being "friends" then she needs to be a friend to your marriage. Perhaps you can take the calls every other time she calls. Or perhaps I would call her and let her know that as long as she calls your husband you feel entitled to speak with her as well. 

One thing is certain, if your husband starts talking about travelling on his own, you need to put an end to it.

If you pursue ay of these avenues, let us know how they turn out. Your post has just made me very wary of accepting organs and possibly even allowing a loved one to give it away if I am going to have deal with unwanted relationships in the future.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

The mom can check in with your hubby but all interaction should involve you or at least exposed to you.. There shouldn't be any secret. Either you should know every detail of their interaction or she should only talk to him when you are present, e.g: only during invitation at home for example, you don't have to entertain her but just be there. 

I would talk to the mum.you should.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Maybe the woman's husband should be involved in some way so that it is two couples/families interacting. (Do they have any other children?). Her husband may not realise the extent to which she is grieving and maybe you can encourage him to communicate with and support her more in the hope she will stop feeling the need to reach out to your H.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm happy that your husband's transplant has enabled your marriage to enjoy the benefits it's bringing, but I agree... this is no benefit! 

If I was in your shoes, I'd do as NTA suggested and call the donor organization to see what they say. 

I would also explain to my husband in a non-judgmental way that I didn't feel like those phone calls were having a good effect on our marriage. I'd ask him how he planned to make sure the marriage stayed his top priority because it looked to me like that isn't happening. 

Then I'd offer a few suggestions of my own, such as asking him to spend no more than 30 days encouraging her to get into some grief counseling and backing out of this communications with her, or (if I was willing) to bring her into OUR circle of friends using the same kinds of boundaries that work with mutual pals.


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## lisa_513 (Apr 15, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa_513 (Apr 15, 2013)

Thank you to all , I really needed advice on this matter I did speak to my husband and I asked him if I could speak with the Mom he said I had that chance and I did not want to at first he said if I speak with her now, he is afraid I might attack her and make us look bad. I said I would never do that . In the beginning I understood my husbands curiosity on wanting to know about the deceased. I myself was curious. But I never thought in a million years that she would form an emotional connection to my husband. I asked my husband if she ever ask about us as a whole or the family and his reply is no. She is all about herself which makes me believe this situation is not normal. I heard of donors becoming friends with the recipient but the whole family was included in the friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

L, at this point I would let my husband know how grateful I was and that I wanted to express my gratitude towards her. Then, I would continue to text/call her as much as possible. I'd befriend her. At least then she would know there is a spouse attached to her husband. Also, your calls/texts will hopefully take the place of your husband's, or at least cut down on them. Yes, I'd be thankful for the gift of extended life for my husband. However, this doesn't sound healthy. Maybe if you set a certain amount of time, like 2 months, to just totally devote calls/texts to her and befriend her, she will not call your H so much. Maybe you can talk to her about her marriage so she knows your husband has shared the conversations with you. Do you have children? If so, talk to her about her daughter, which must be very difficult for her. Really befriend her. But, at the same time, redirect the attention away from your husband.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

insist that you speak to the mom, say you want to thank her.

If fail, make sure your husband understand what is emotional affair and how it often lead to physical affair. Tell him about the fog and the reality of a true relationship. You might want let your hubby read some thread by some betrayed and wayward spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> insist that you speak to the mom, say you want to thank her.
> 
> If fail, make sure your husband understand what is emotional affair and how it often lead to physical affair. Tell him about the fog and the reality of a true relationship. You might want let your hubby read some thread by some betrayed and wayward spouse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm reading it the same way...if she is speaking to your H about HER rocky marriage, then it has crossed the line. Whatever caused HER rocky marriage need not contribute to yours. YOUR M and YOUR needs come first! There is nothing wrong with a friend who perhaps sends someone a holiday card or sends an email asking how a sick person (your H, donor recipient) is doing health-wise from time-to-time, but hours-long conversations seem inappropriate.

What do they talk about? If you know (besides her rocky marriage), are you comfortable with the subject matter? 

I would follow-up with the organ procurement organization and research if the donor's identity should have been revealed to your H, or is it a violation of some law? Ask the O.P.O. to intervene with what you perceive to be inappropriate contact with a recipient. Ask the O.P.O. if any support groups exists for recipient's and their spouses. Your H will not take action. You don't have to take action either. Thus far, no intervention has led you here. The other woman's daughter prolonged your H's life, the life he already had with you. This is a second go-around for you two, if you will, and you don't need this added drama.

There is no hard rule that states or implies that your H (or anyone) has to answer the phone when she calls or sends him txt messages. The amount and duration they communicate is too much and you know it. Consider it either a red flag or ignorance (based on his lame reason of being able to tell the future and guess what you'd say to her) on your H's part for not wanting you to talk to her. He is NOT her protector and keeper. He is not your censor!! Does your H also choose which of his other friends you are allowed to speak to? 

You have a tough call here, either set some boundaries for YOUR M or let your H ignore his and deal with her rocky marriage. I understand they do have a connection, but one would think the donor (or in this case donor's Mother) would be more interested with what the recipient is doing with their life and not telling the recipient about her rocky marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

First of all, the daughter was going to die whether or not she donated an organ. Or at least, let's hope that's the case, I'm due for another surgery myself this year. I don't my organs stolen in the process.

Secondly, the deceased daughter and the rest of the family have absolutely no control over who gets the organ. the organ could have gone to a domestic violence perpetrator who has yet to be caught...... so for the OP's husband to feel especially grateful to the mother that he was chosen by this woman's family and therefore owes her an out of control friendship is just crazy.

For all you who have responded to this thread suggesting --even faintly -- that the OP's husband has a duty to the donor's wife is just crazy. If some family member said, yeah take my daughter's kidneys, I need some new friends, let's hope that the organ procurement organization exercises adequate care with data protection AND bereavement services so that no organ receiver has added stress to the their new life.

I think donating one or more of your organs was meant to be altruistic not a new way for family members to make friends..... and especially of the inappropriate kind.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Let him get rid of her. An EA can easily come out of this.

Now, he needs to read the book Not Just Friends, and you too.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> First of all, the daughter was going to die whether or not she donated an organ. Or at least, let's hope that's the case, I'm due for another surgery myself this year. I don't my organs stolen in the process.
> 
> Secondly, the deceased daughter and the rest of the family have absolutely no control over who gets the organ. the organ could have gone to a domestic violence perpetrator who has yet to be caught...... so for the OP's husband to feel especially grateful to the mother that he was chosen by this woman's family and therefore owes her an out of control friendship is just crazy.
> 
> ...


Totally agreed with you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa_513 (Apr 15, 2013)

Giving an update on the situation, I have been communicating with my husband on this situation, on why the Donors mom has to continue to call you, and at first he told me that he was just curious on the Donor, and that he is experiencing Cellular Memory, and was curious if he inherited any likes and dislikes of the Donor, and that he was being kind to the donors mom, cause in a way he felt that since he had the organs of her daughter he felt, very greatful and I guess in a way obligated, but he never thought that it would have gone this far, he did not want to be rude in any way so he just listened to her and was there as a sounding stone for her, but in her mind she was emotionally connecting with my husband, and honestly wanted him in her life......I just was feeling left out and I thought it was not right that she constantly called my husband now the calls were coming in twice a week..I said to myself does she realize he is a married man with a family....Today was the last straw, I text her and asked if she not get in touch with my husband, with her problems and work it out with her husband, her reply to me was that she said she needed my husband in her life, he is a blessing to her, for he was helping her cope through the death of her two children.......and that he was going to go to Florida to see her......I did not respond back yet!!! or I do not know if I should even!!!!! she said that I need prayer and she is going to pray for me and that she will back off......Please help me on this one!!!!


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## lisa_513 (Apr 15, 2013)

lisa_513 said:


> Giving an update on the situation, I have been communicating with my husband on this situation, on why the Donors mom has to continue to call you, and at first he told me that he was just curious on the Donor, and that he is experiencing Cellular Memory, and was curious if he inherited any likes and dislikes of the Donor, and that he was being kind to the donors mom, cause in a way he felt that since he had the organs of her daughter he felt, very greatful and I guess in a way obligated, but he never thought that it would have gone this far, he did not want to be rude in any way so he just listened to her and was there as a sounding stone for her, but in her mind she was emotionally connecting with my husband, and honestly wanted him in her life......I just was feeling left out and I thought it was not right that she constantly called my husband now the calls were coming in twice a week..I said to myself does she realize he is a married man with a family....Today was the last straw, I text her and asked if she not get in touch with my husband, with her problems and work it out with her husband, her reply to me was that she said she needed my husband in her life, he is a blessing to her, for he was helping her cope through the death of her two children.......and that he was going to go to Florida to see her......I did not respond back yet!!! or I do not know if I should even!!!!! she said that I need prayer and she is going to pray for me and that she will back off......Please help me on this one!!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you need to bring the donor organisation in on this one. and before this Florida trip. this does not reflect well on organ donations.

Why on earth would I want my spouse to live longer if he's going to leave for the organ donor's wife, mother, sister, whatever.........


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

You need to be assertive, make it clear to him how you feel about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Are you saying your husband has arranged to go visit her, or is this just wishful thinking on her part?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Let him get rid of her. An EA can easily come out of this.
> 
> Now, he needs to read the book Not Just Friends, and you too.


Do This Now.

No more contact!


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

Advocado said:


> I can understand your H not wanting to upset this woman if she is grieving and lonely. No doubt he is grateful to her for his health and rightly so.
> 
> However I do understand your concerns if he is speaking with her privately on a frequent basis. I do think you should speak with her but not to warn her off. If all is innocent I don't think you husband should mind you contacting her to thank her yourself for allowing her daughter's organs to be given upfor transplant. Try and get to know her a bit and gauge her intentions. It may be that she is just lonely and needs friendship and in that regard you might be able to take over from your husband, but don't get too deep. Again, if there's nothing untoward going on your H may well be glad for you to take over all or much of the communication.
> 
> ...


I completely agree, your his wife and you should be his priority. On another note, it was just an organ.. other than it was in this woman's daughter's body it is not her brain so it isn't alive in the sense that its going to bring her daughter back to life. He should also not hide that he is speaking with the donor's mother.. this is wrong on all levels of a marriage, period. Hiding anything will cause betrayal and lack of trust, there should be no reason to hide anything in a relationship.

You calling to thank her may help her to realize that she may be disturbing a family, she might ****** off or tone it down a notch. She definitely needs to seek counseling for her grief for sure. 

Good luck, I hope that all works out for you!


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## lisa_513 (Apr 15, 2013)

I told my husband, that you must of gave her some impression, he started speaking with her at her weakest tme in her life, and she latched on to that and she loved the attention, I spoke to my husband about what she said about going to Florida and he said he never said that to her, and that she is reading him wrong, he said he was just being a nice person who cared, because he did receive the daughters organs, I told him this is not healthy for our marriage, she continues to try to contact my husband she tried in the middle of the night on (sunday), i can not stomach this, I did call the Organ Transplant Community that handled his case, and they said that this is not uncommon and situations like this happen, but they also said that there is nothing wrong with becoming friends with the Donor's family...the key word is family, not a private friendship between the mother and my husband.....I am going to keep checking my husbands phone log and keep an eye out, and if i see the continuing calling and texting again, then I am going to take further action and I will definately call her and tell her that I am going to get in contact with an attorney....


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

This woman sounds somewhat obsessive. 

How does your H feel about simply blocking her calls? Blocking her if she is in a fragile state of mind might seem quite harsh and so you might want to have your H contact her husband or another family member or the Organ Transplant people so that they can offer support when your H withdraws. At most send a text to tell her that you and your H will be ceasing all communication with her, just before blocking her number. 

Personally I don't think a confrontation or threats are the best way forward. I would like to think I would avoid the drama and simply block all calls. 

Hopefully she doesn't have your home address!!!


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