# what is wrong with me



## shattered man

So basically after all was said and done...i decided to look into dating....not to find a relationship but to find companionship...i had a few dates then met this wonderful woman on match.com. we hit it off...shes amazing....with me...my kids my family......she has a great job has made numerous sacrifices for our relationship etc.....and is very sexual....at times i find myself dreading seeing her....i havent been in the mood since all this divorce stuff started......sometimes i feel like i spent every thing to win my wife back that i have nothing left to offer her.....she gets very frustrated with me about this......i dont know what to tell her......i know its not all about my needs but i want it to mean something for us just not a robot performing a task....it could be part of the prozak... or part of the depression.....i dont know i had the low T test and thats not it.....i wish i knew.....on a side note.....HOW does a person let go of this.....I hate seeing my old house...her face...his face for that matter....im in a better place but its still hard not to hate....ive made a comment about forgiveness and i believe that sooner or later i HAVE to to really move on.....but how......and the ex's parting shot for the weekend.....she was NEVER happy....the whole 17 years........nothing like cutting a man to the core.


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## nickgtg

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but if I can, I'd like to give you some advice regarding the woman you're seeing.

From what you've posted, I really think you need to let her know that you're just not ready for a new relationship. It isn't fair to her, and you've stated that she gets frustrated with the situation.

She deserves all of your attention, and all of your love. I understand how you feel though, my divorce was final in 12/13 and I 'm not ready to date. My attention is focused on my kids and myself. 

I've made it my priority to re-do my house the way I want it, and to also re-do the kids rooms how they want them. You need to fix yourself before you even begin thinking about another relationship.

It's obvious that you're not over your ex, and again, that's not fair to the new woman in your life.

Good luck.


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## Rowan

I understand that it can be very lonely to be on your own, perhaps more so after the breakup of a long relationship. But, frankly, you sound like a hot mess right now. Don't be offended, I'm still a bit of a mess myself, but I'm getting better. I really suggest taking some time - by that I mean about a year - to decompress, get yourself together, seek some IC perhaps, and learn to love yourself. You have to learn to be good for yourself before you'll be in a place that allows you to be good for another person.


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## EnjoliWoman

I've been that woman. It's called a rebound. You want company, not intimacy (neither emotional or physical).

You need to learn to be OK with the quiet and learn to view it as peaceful not lonely. 

Also, if there are things you can do, be it move, take a new route, avoid any contact (exchange kids at school - you drop off, she picks up, etc) so you have no reason to contact her and keep all other communication to email or a shared internet calendar which will help you move on.

At least you know you need to move on. And I don't believe we have to forgive. Sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness and I think it's BS that forgiveness is for the forgiver. BUT you can certainly get to a point that you don't care anymore. That your new life without someone who basically lied your whole relationship is better because of its' raw honesty than the pretty lie.


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## Jellybeans

Maybe you aren't quite ready for a relationship.


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## shattered man

I wasnt looking for one believe me....I was enjoying meeting new women....the nerves of dating was exciting actually.....it just happened....she fell reallly hard for me...and shes been thru her own personal hell up to this point.....I know im a good person.....i know i would be a good match for her and we do have an amazing time together....she promises she would never hurt me.....but how can that be trusted.....
as for those who think im not over my ex.....heres my feelings on that....almost 20 years ripped away in the most hurting way possible....I hate her for it....yet its hard to hate her. I hate what she did to my parents....i hate how she sold me out and counted me out....funny thing is im thriving without her...and i know it bugs her.....i have a great job a house....a gf that makes me happy....etc she has her same old boring life with her new found cheating soulmate....I hate the fact that she pulled this over on me more than anything....AND that i caught her and STILL gave her 6 more months to torture me...shame on me......the pain of the divorce came and went...its now the humiliation of being so blind.....


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## Jellybeans

shattered man said:


> i know i would be a good match for her and we do have an amazing time together....she promises she would never hurt me....*.but how can that be trusted.*.....


That's the thing about love/relationships. There is never a guarantee. Of anything. Which divorce teaches us. 

You will either trust her or you won't. That is on you though.

It really does not sound like you are ready to give your all in a relationship, despite your words. And that is totally fine. Divorce is so screwed up and does a number on people. You should take time to heal or tell her you want to date casually, with nothing serious right now... Just e honest with her.

Re: the humiliation about cheating... you have nothing to feel humiliated about. You tried to save your marriage and gave her another chance. If she did not want it, that is not your problem at all.

Life...is a storybook. You can either get stuck in your older stories or start making new ones...with a positive attitude.

It will take time to heal...and it does suck at times, but you WILL be better and you will feel stronger in time.


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## 3Xnocharm

There is nothing wrong with you. You just are not ready to be in a committed relationship right now. Perfectly normal and expected.


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## whitehawk

Hey SM , should change your user name man , not a good vibe for your future now.

There's nothing wrong with you it's just too soon that's all . You've been through so much and married a long time too.
This is one reason l don't really look yet although l'd love some fun and some companionship too, nothing heavy or demanding though , no way. And l know to that not only is it too soon for me but if l'm not really looking , l'll probably find and l don't wanna find yet.

She sounds nice and l hear you about sacrifices but l think she's also being pretty self centered to. l mean her needs, what about the hell you've just lived through. Any good women should have no trouble understanding that and being patient with you for as long as you need .
lmagine if you were to get married down the track . Any marriage is going to go through hard times of some sort , more likely a few and more likely a year or two a time , that's marriage. Doesn't sound like she'd have the goods if she can't stop thinking of herself for you in this most horrific time of your life.

You've gotta do what's right for you right now and if that's too hard for her then she's the last thing you need right now .
l think you'll have to lay it on the line and back things of a bit until your more ready.


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## Hoosier

shattered man said:


> I wasnt looking for one believe me....I was enjoying meeting new women....the nerves of dating was exciting actually.....it just happened....she fell reallly hard for me...and shes been thru her own personal hell up to this point.....I know im a good person.....i know i would be a good match for her and we do have an amazing time together....she promises she would never hurt me.....but how can that be trusted.....
> as for those who think im not over my ex.....heres my feelings on that....almost 20 years ripped away in the most hurting way possible....I hate her for it....yet its hard to hate her. I hate what she did to my parents....i hate how she sold me out and counted me out....funny thing is im thriving without her...and i know it bugs her.....i have a great job a house....a gf that makes me happy....etc she has her same old boring life with her new found cheating soulmate....I hate the fact that she pulled this over on me more than anything....AND that i caught her and STILL gave her 6 more months to torture me...shame on me......the pain of the divorce came and went...its now the humiliation of being so blind.....


You want to talk humiliation? You want to talk being blind? Dude I am the poster child for both! Check out my original thread, "can't believe I'm posting here" even the title screams blind. The good news? Time. Time helps, but it takes time. I'm not completely healed, but 30 years will do that to you. That they, her and my good friend, pulled this on me, can still rile me up! Time dude, time. Live well! It is the best revenge!


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## Dedicated2Her

> we hit it off...shes amazing....with me...my kids my family......


And why is she around your kids? Please tell me you have been dating over 6 months.


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## badcompany

shattered man said:


> and the ex's parting shot for the weekend.....she was NEVER happy....the whole 17 years........nothing like cutting a man to the core.


Tell ex what I told mine, now she only has who she see's in the mirror to blame for not being happy. :smthumbup:


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## shattered man

dedicated....yes shes met my girls....it was after about 3 months of us seeing each other.....its not like im introducing them to their new step mom....we all share alot in common......out of the dating i did before hand i never thought once about them meeting my girls......if its wrong? then..hey give me some kind of parenting manual....im doing the best i can


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## Garry2012

The "not happy for 17 years" is on HER, not on you. Your job isnt to be her mobile happy maker. Looking back, I would say that my X was happy only in short spurts, but it wears off..and for most of her life she has not been happy. Other people can add/contribute to your happiness...but you CAN'T make someone happy. SHE HAS TO FIGURE THAT OUT FOR HERSELF.


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## Dedicated2Her

shattered man said:


> dedicated....yes shes met my girls....it was after about 3 months of us seeing each other.....its not like im introducing them to their new step mom....we all share alot in common......out of the dating i did before hand i never thought once about them meeting my girls......if its wrong? then..hey give me some kind of parenting manual....im doing the best i can


Not saying it's wrong, just saying the way you are feeling now is exactly why you wait as long as possible. Live and learn.


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## shattered man

speaking of kids....how do you get over the fact that your kids are hanging out with the guy that she cheated with.....he screwed over his ex fiance and her 3 kids and now sets his sights on my kids.....his ex said he is a master manipulator when it comes to kids and hes working really hard to get to mine.....and sadly its working

hes already cheated on my ex once and she chooses to stay.....so why subject MY kids to this piece of garbage......somebody tell me how im supposed to over look this and not get pissed off when they tell me stories of what they did at his house?


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## Fenix

shattered man said:


> speaking of kids....how do you get over the fact that your kids are hanging out with the guy that she cheated with.....he screwed over his ex fiance and her 3 kids and now sets his sights on my kids.....his ex said he is a master manipulator when it comes to kids and hes working really hard to get to mine.....and sadly its working
> 
> hes already cheated on my ex once and she chooses to stay.....so why subject MY kids to this piece of garbage......somebody tell me how im supposed to over look this and not get pissed off when they tell me stories of what they did at his house?


SM, I like the suggestion to change your name to something more positive. 

How old are your girls?


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## shattered man

i know i should have a more positive outlook on life....its a day to day struggle....i hate the fact i cant just "get over it" like people suggest...for me its just not that easy

besides how do you even change your name on here?


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## LanieB

How long have you been divorced? And as someone else asked, how old are your kids? 

I completely understand the anger you have about your kids being around OM. That's the "gift" that keeps on giving. Getting to the point that you don't care about that will take a long time - if it ever happens. 

I know everyone has stated the obvious - that maybe you're just not ready for a relationship. But could there be more to it? You mentioned taking Prozak (for depression). It's possible that this is numbing your feelings somewhat - not just the bad, but the good too. Depression can completely screw up your thought processes and your normal emotions. I know this firsthand because I'm going through it myself. 

Just thought I'd mention that. It's possible that if you switched to a different med (more of an upper maybe??), it might help.


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## shattered man

divorce went final in Oct i left her in march....it was over at that point.....my kids are 15 10 and 9 ....ive switched from cymbalta which is horrible to prozak.....i get what your saying about masking the good and the bad......ive talked to dr and asked about an every other day thing.....he was on board but im alittle nervous to cut dosage right now


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## Dedicated2Her

shattered man said:


> speaking of kids....how do you get over the fact that your kids are hanging out with the guy that she cheated with.....he screwed over his ex fiance and her 3 kids and now sets his sights on my kids.....his ex said he is a master manipulator when it comes to kids and hes working really hard to get to mine.....and sadly its working
> 
> hes already cheated on my ex once and she chooses to stay.....so why subject MY kids to this piece of garbage......somebody tell me how im supposed to over look this and not get pissed off when they tell me stories of what they did at his house?


Ok. I'm going to give you a huge dose of reality. Who flipping cares.........????????? Seriously. So what? Here is the fact of the matter. You cannot control it. The only thing you can do is show your kids how to live a happy and healthy life. Period. Kids are smart. The learn quickly. If you are happy, healthy, successful, they will want to be like you and around you. Show them how to live. They will gravitate to it. I know from experience. You need a support group around you that can pound this into your head on a daily basis. 

Also, you are in no condition to be in a relationship. THAT is unfair to the other person.

Get into a divorce recovery group of some sort.


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## LanieB

shattered man said:


> divorce went final in Oct i left her in march....it was over at that point.....my kids are 15 10 and 9 ....ive switched from cymbalta which is horrible to prozak.....i get what your saying about masking the good and the bad......ive talked to dr and asked about an every other day thing.....he was on board but im alittle nervous to cut dosage right now


OK, so you've been apart for a year. Regarding your feelings for your relationship, I'm guessing it's a combination of everything - you're NOT over your divorce, depression isn't under control yet, meds might not be right. At this point, I wouldn't want to cut the dosage of the prozac, if it's keeping you from bottoming-out. I've never used prozac, but I've heard a lot of people say it causes emotional numbness. If you think this is happening to you, and it bothers you, then you might discuss other med options with your doctor. 

Do your kids know your wife was cheating? I'm surprised the 15-yr-old doesn't have resentment at least. My kids are 15 and 14 and they've known my H was cheating. And there is no way in hell they will ever have anything to do with OW. When kids are younger, you want to shield them from things like this, but you usually can't get anything past a teenager.


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## shattered man

all 3 girls know......they all have resentment issues but...its their mom..plus the ex does an excellent job of selling her reasons for divorce.....running me down.....saying i pushed her into cheating.....my 15 yr old has drifted away from us.....my 10 yr old wants to live with me full time and my 9 yr old isnt sure what to do......she just wants the attention....and since he is a master at manipulating children he has slowly won her over.....my 10 yr old tolerates him and my 15 yr old hates him......so they say....


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## LanieB

What will help your cause the most (with the kids) is to NOT talk about your XW or OM at all. Be the best father you can be. Be positive. Spend time with them. 

My mother cheated on my dad and left us when my sister and I were teenagers. I hated my mother for years. Of course we felt sorry for our dad - - to a point. After months of listening to him go on and on and on about how awful my mom and OM were, I got so sick of it, I eventually didn't want anything to do with him either. I don't know how you are with your girls, just keep this in mind.

As betrayed spouses, we get the pleasure of being expected to rise above this hurt and do what's best for our kids. Sometimes we have to figure out how to be stronger than we think we are.


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## EnjoliWoman

shattered man said:


> all 3 girls know......they all have resentment issues but...its their mom..plus the ex does an excellent job of selling her reasons for divorce.....running me down.....saying i pushed her into cheating.....my 15 yr old has drifted away from us.....my 10 yr old wants to live with me full time and my 9 yr old isnt sure what to do......she just wants the attention....and since he is a master at manipulating children he has slowly won her over.....my 10 yr old tolerates him and my 15 yr old hates him......so they say....


If the OM is trying to alienate your children and your ex isn't trying to stop him, please read the book "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Richard Warshack. You should stop focusing on making ex/OM look BAD because that only makes you come across as pathetic and bitter and resentful. Focus on all of the GREAT memories you made with your kids; whether ex was there or not is irrelevant. The more you change the focus on how great times with you (and possibly ex) are, the more resentful they will be of OM naturally without your needing to point anything out. It's OK to tell them the things that your ex did/didn't do, but it must be FACTUAL, age appropriate and non-criticizing.


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## Fenix

And start making new great memories with them!


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## shattered man

is there a fast forward button for this?


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## LanieB

I think we have all wished that, SM. I'm wishing it right now too!


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## 6301

I was married twice. In both cases, mainly the first divorce, I was really in a funk. The nasty way it was handled and her vicious temper and mouth left me with a real dislike for women. 

Now I know it's not fair to lump all women together but in my mind,that's the way I felt and the only way out of it was enough time to heal. In my case, I tried too early at first and went out with women who were divorced too and that's what the whole conversation was about. Which one of us was married to the biggest ass hole. All it did was leave me more pissed. 

Time will heal you and just because your once again single doesn't mean that you have to rush out and find someone else to fill the void. It took me three years before I started to date again.

Second divorce wasn't anywhere near as bad so I was able to pick up the pieces quicker but I still needed time to heal from it. No one wants to spend the night with someone who complains about their ex the whole evening. I don't. IMO, give it a rest for a while and you'll be fine.


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## Openminded

shattered man said:


> is there a fast forward button for this?


I'm afraid not. We have all wished that at some point. 

Sounds like your new GF fell too soon and took you with her. You just aren't ready for that yet. 

Why some people stick to the six month rule before introducing their children to the person they're dating is because children often become very attached to the dating partner and usually by six months there's some idea if the relationship might work.


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## shattered man

havent aproached the doc for a few months finally felt normal with this prozak .....i agree she fell for me and sucked me into this alittle more than i wanted....we had an amazing weekend and i find myself more into the relationship....then there are times i just dont know what im doing.....she knows and sees this and is patiently waiting for me to level out....it is stressful on us but she says im worth the wait....


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