# Lost, beaten down, marriage falling apart



## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

I'm not sure if I'm putting this in the right category, but I think I am. I'm struggling with how to even write this, tbh. Please forgive the length - just need to get it all out...

TL;DR: after 4 miscarriages, wife started having delusions and now we are on the brink of a divorce because I don't believe the delusions..

We met in 2008. Married in 2010. We had our first daughter in 2011 (our miracle baby, as we now know). We have had our ups and downs like anyone else. Fights about money, childcare, jobs, and that I wasn't losing enough weight (a life-long struggle). But many more good times than bad. We love each other, always got through it and have had a great marriage up until last year.

From 2013 to 2016, we tried for a 2nd child. Sadly, she miscarried 4 times. All were devastating, but the last one hurt the most and caused the most anguish for both of us. We found out afterward that had been misdiagnosed with a bicornuate uterus during her first pregnancy with our first daughter - in fact, she had a septate uterus and, in Dec. 2015 had the septum removed.

By 2016, I had a new job with more responsibility, making more money, which forced me to travel more. She was working but still reeling from the loss of the last pregnancy. In January 2016, she had a major panic attack while I was out of town, followed by major depression, which caused her to quit her job. I pleaded with her to go to a psychiatrist, which she did - medication & therapy helped bring her out of the depression, but she was still struggling. 

In May, we went to visit family and stayed with my brother. He and I have never gotten along and his wife is not exactly a nice person. The visit was OK until the last morning, when my SIL went to get coffee and didn't offer any to my wife or me. We then all went out to lunch and my brother was admonishing my daughter. I didn't hear him doing it or I would have said something, but my wife did. So, we left, and went home.

Over the next few weeks, things got really strange... My wife thought all her accounts had been hacked, her phone had been compromised, and my brother's wife was doing it. I told her it's not possible. I am an IT professional, I have secured everything very tightly, which didn't assure her. I dug into her accounts, her phone, her laptop to find any evidence of hacking or compromise. There wasn't any. But it got worse... She began saying that people were following her, that my SIL had put a GPS tracker on her car (I climbed under the car with her watching to show her there wasn't one), that we were being watched by every car that drove by the house, that SIL had hired private investigators to watch her. I pleaded with her that this was not real... I was accused of defending my SIL and putting her before my wife. She went to the police and filed a report against my SIL. She woke me up at 3AM to tell me that all of the articles online had been manipulated by my SIL to be about her, that a shooting downtown was to draw her out by the FBI/CIA/police, and that it was all MY fault...

So I felt I had to act - I called her parents, her doctors... A collective decision was made that she needed to go to the hospital right away. In hindsight, I wish I'd handled it differently and pleaded with her to go back to the doctor first... It was a miserable, humiliating experience for her, and it hurt her deeply. In the hospital, she threatened divorce, she screamed that she was going to take me to fat camp, that her dad and I were trying to control her, etc. She spent one night, they put her on Seraquel, which kept the delusions from continuing, but she was still pretty angry and believed everything that she had experienced was true...

Over the the next 11 months, I felt we had repaired our marriage - it was really a great year. She got pregnant again. And this time, it was successful! We now have a beautiful 6 mo. old baby girl.

However... in June, two months after the baby was born and we bought our first home, there were little comments about my SIL again, stemming from planning our 2nd child's baptism and her struggling with the guest list, which did not include my brother or his wife. I started asking if she was taking her medication, but she soon ran out of meds and refills. It started getting worse and she started saying I was being rude by asking if she'd taken her medicine when she would say something... Again, that I am taking up for my SIL, that I'm defending everyone before my wife.

It kept escalating through the summer, with her getting more and more belligerent. At my request, she went to her PCP to get a new Rx when I asked her to... but her PCP, who didn't know her history, told her she didn't NEED IT - and that she just needed to be the mean one with my SIL! Malpractice, IMO. We went on a long-planned beach trip. It was miserable. I was berated for supporting everyone else before her - for defending my brother's wife - for not agreeing with her or believing her. It got a little better in the middle of the trip, but the last night, my wife and I got in an argument about whether we'd been to a certain restaurant together or not. I joked that maybe she'd been there with a previous boyfriend - a joke she's used on me countless times. She got quiet and wouldn't talk....

The next morning, she's awake at 4AM pacing the room and started laying into me... that she had a life before we met and I would have to get over it. I've never said anything about her previous relationships or mine - I've never cared. Then she started insulting my weight again... telling me I needed to get some confidence... that I need a new job or a raise, etc. etc. etc. Then she stormed out of the room and had breakfast without the rest of us. The rest of the day was a continuation of the morning. I was yelled at from morning to night. She started saying she wanted me to know she'd never regret marrying me and then laid into my family... I felt as if she was about to say "but I'm divorcing you."

Then we had the baptism for 2nd daughter. My best friend and his wife + my wife's good friend were godparents. My friends stayed at our house (in hindsight, not a good idea), and my wife started telling them about my SIL. She then started getting defensive after the smallest comments that no one else would think were malicious. We then went out to lunch the day after the baptism and she couldn't find her phone before we left. After lunch, they left for home, and we went to a bookstore... While there she found her phone. Hours later, after being quiet the whole time, she started saying that they had taken her phone and snuck it back into her purse... that they'd been taking it all weekend and that I'd been helping them... that I'd been telling them she was crazy (in fact, I have never mentioned any of this to my friend)... When I asked what their motivation would be she started saying I was defending my friend's wife just like I defend my SIL. She then called the POLICE, who came over to our house. I invited them in with open arms and asked them to speak with my wife. They did - and quickly came to the conclusion that she needed to see a doctor and get on medication.

She finally went back to the doctor after her parents, the police, and I all pleaded with her to do so, though she still doesn't believe anything is wrong with her. But she isn't taking the medication consistently. 

On top of all this, she has relentlessly accused me of infidelity for the past several months - looking/gawking at other women, flirting with women on business trips, having an emotional affair with a woman who used to work in HR here. None of it real, none of it true. I haved tried to reassure her that she's the only one for me... to no avail.

She threatens to leave and take the kids... I tell her she's to leave whenever she wants, but she's not taking the kids from their home. She misinterprets EVERYTHING I say to be an attack on her. That I am "tattling" by involving her parents when she calls the police on me. She told me last night, after I commented that we should start transitioning the baby to her own bedroom, that it's "not sexy" or "manly" to ask her parents for help and she doesn't want to have sex with someone who would do that - saying that the only reason I want the baby to move is so that we can have more sex.

This has taken a huge toll on both of us, with both of us saying hurtful things to the other.

I am lost and don't know how to handle this anymore. I have started counseling for myself and we are going to start marriage counseling next week. I love my wife and the life we've built together. But I'm not willing to be treated like dirt and I'm not willing to be apart from my kids. Please help...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm not sure what advice I can offer. It sounds like she's suffering from paranoia. It's unlikely that there's much you can do on your own to turn her around. She needs professional help, and likely medication as well.

Lookup "Gang Stalking". It's a form of paranoia where a person thinks there's a vast conspiracy to monitor them and interfere with their life. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MENTION THIS TO HER!!!! She will look online and find many websites from people suffering from this who will offer proof it's real. But you should look into it so you can better understand when she thinks all the cars driving by are watching her.


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## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

Thanks, wilson. I am hoping we can turn this around. 

I've been looking at The 180. While I don't suspect she's been unfaithful, I think there are some tactics I can employ to better myself and set a good example for our kids and, by extension, for her.

One thing I will not do again is call her parents, even if she threatens to call the police. I need to not be a doormat, and not accept the vicious things she sometimes says. I know she's hurting and, frankly, not seeing the world through a clear lens when she's off the meds, so to speak.

I appreciate the advise and would welcome any more from anyone else. Getting all that written down was cathartic in itself.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

I don't think *you* can turn this around. If she's unwell with a psychosis, then by definition she is not rational, and no amount of love and sense from you will get through. Don't take it personally. Get more/better psychiatric input. 

Good luck.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is terrible for you to deal with. There is nothing you can do. She can either get help or not. Nobodybhere can diagnose her, obviously, but we can all tell you that this isn’t normal (more obviousness). Really, you shouldn’t have tried for that second child. Maybe this stems from her losing all those pregnancies, who knows.

You have two options. You can either have her the rest of your life, and hope for the best or you can work your way out of the marriage. Only you can determine the right path.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

How old is your wife? Schizophrenia usually occurs between the ages of 16 to 25...during a time of great stress. 
Sounds like the stress part was there.

Has she been to a real psychiatrist or just a PCP?


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## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

She's been to a real psychiatrist. He put her on Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and Abilify.

I don't feel the Abilify is working to keep the delusions at bay.

Yesterday we had a pretty decent day. We had dinner as a family, watched some TV together and went to bed. No arguing, no accusations.

This morning, though, she started the day with sarcastic answers to everything I said. I then asked her what time the baby had eaten... I thought it was 5:50. She said it was at 6:45 and then started saying I was trying to confuse and deceive her. That I "know" what I am doing.

Then, while I was making breakfast for all of us, she said that our oldest told her I had said that she would never be allowed to play with her toys from her birthday. Something I NEVER said. This really upset me. I got very angry. She kept accusing me of it. So I walked away. I came back after a few minutes and said "how dare you try to turn our daughter against me." She said I am already doing that by my actions and innuendos. My daughter's are my world. How could she do this???

Then I finished making breakfast, ate in silence, and let it all get the better of me. I started crying and retreated to our bed. After which she came in and berated me for all the same things... defending my SIL and my friend's wife, accusing me of going to bars on business trips to flirt with women, that I'm trying to deceive her and use innuendos toward her. Just screaming at me. Frankly, she was and has been abusive and extremely aggressive toward me.

I am back to feeling lost and helpless. I don't know how to deal with this. I am a problem solver and want to fix this. I know I can't on my own. How do I convince her this is all in her head?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

father_of_2 said:


> After 4 miscarriages, wife started having delusions.... She had a major panic attack... followed by major depression.... In June, two months after the baby was born... It kept escalating through the summer, with her getting more and more belligerent.


Father, given that the depression, delusions, and paranoia started after the first birth -- and then started up again after the second birth -- you may be seeing warning signs (i.e., symptoms) of _"postpartum psychosis,"_ i.e., PPD with psychotic features. 

*As to PPD*, recent studies show that, in women receiving clinical care, 50% experienced depression for more than 1 year after childbirth. In women not receiving clinical treatment, 30% were still depressed up to 3 years after giving birth. See 2014 PPD Study Results. The onset of the irritable, severely depressed mood typically occurs within 4 weeks of giving birth and possibly as late as 30 weeks postpartum. Manifestations include crying spells, insomnia, depressed mood, fatigue, anxiety, and poor concentration. See Review of PPD. The delusions and paranoia you describe, however, go far beyond the symptoms of PPD. This is why I suggest you speak with your psychiatrist about the possibility of postpartum psychosis.

*As to postpartum psychosis*, it is more rare than PPD. The most severe symptoms -- e.g., paranoia, hallucinations, and delusions -- tend to last 2 to 12 weeks. But it can take 6 to 12 months or more to fully recover. The good news is that, with treatment, most women with this condition do make a full recovery. The bad news is that about half of the women will have another psychotic episode after a future pregnancy (which may explain why you've seen the paranoia following two births). See Postpartum Psychosis.



> How do I convince her this is all in her head?


You don't. You can't. If she is experiencing paranoia or psychosis, her perceptions of your intentions are so distorted and her feelings are so intense that she is convinced those feelings MUST be true. I thus agree with @Herschel and the other respondents that she needs to resume treatments with her psychiatrist, not with her PCP. As @David Darling said, it is important to _"Get more/better psychiatric input."_


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## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

I don't think it's PPD or PPD with psychosis - I think it's just part of who she is. What the diagnosis would be, I don't know. But looking online, Delusional Disorder sounds pretty close. Or maybe BPD with psychotic features or something like that...

I think back to other incidents that on retrospect seem like other episodes... a co-worker who was trying to sabotage her career, a cousin who was going to go kill her grandparents because of a facebook post... those happened before we even started trying for kids. And the incident last summer with my brother's wife was a full year following the last miscarriage.

Last night, I got home from work and she told me she had unfriended my best friend and his wife. That they are horrible people for what they "did" to her, what they "said" to her... I'm certain she hasn't been taking the Abilify because she accused me of throwing them out and hasn't gotten a refill yet.

I just kept my mouth shut last night to avoid escalating. I am just wondering how to move forward now... she's alienated me from my brother (maybe not a bad thing...) and now from my best friend (definitely a bad thing) with these delusions. It's very distressing.


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

I wouldn't trust this woman to watch a moldy potato let alone children. 

I am not sure why you would even have sex with this woman. Can she even offer informed consent? I wouldn't trust anything that she says.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

father_of_2 said:


> Looking online, Delusional Disorder sounds pretty close.


Perhaps so, Father. But that disorder is so rare that it is highly unlikely. DSM-5 estimates the prevalence of delusional disorder in the USA to be around 0.02%, which is far lower than the prevalence of schizophrenia (1%) and mood disorders (5%).



> Or maybe BPD with psychotic features.


That is far more likely statistically. The prevalence of lifetime BPD is 6.0 %, a figure that is 300 times more likely than the prevalence of Delusional Disorder. Moreover, _"stress-related paranoid thoughts"_ and _"severe dissociative symptoms"_ are two of the nine defining traits for BPD. 



> I think back to other incidents that on retrospect seem like other episodes... a co-worker who was trying to sabotage her career, a cousin who was going to go kill her grandparents because of a facebook post... those happened before we even started trying for kids.


BPD is believed to be entrenched as a thought distortion by about age five -- and the onset of strong symptoms typically starts in the early teens. For this reason, I did not mention BPD, given your earlier statement that _"After 4 miscarriages, wife started having delusions."_ Your comments today, however, indicate that the severe paranoia started well before she first became pregnant. 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _18 BPD Warning Signs_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings many bells, Father, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. And, of course, you also should discuss it with your counselor (ideally, a psychologist or psychiatrist).


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

father_of_2 said:


> I am just wondering how to move forward now..


Get the medical/psychiatric professionals more involved.

If she has a real psychosis, she needs expert help (maybe as an inpatient) - you can't do it. And if she's "merely" a broken person with a personality disorder, then confirming that will be useful information for you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

father_of_2 said:


> I don't think it's PPD or PPD with psychosis - I think it's just part of who she is. What the diagnosis would be, I don't know. But looking online, Delusional Disorder sounds pretty close. Or maybe BPD with psychotic features or something like that...
> 
> I think back to other incidents that on retrospect seem like other episodes... a co-worker who was trying to sabotage her career, a cousin who was going to go kill her grandparents because of a facebook post... those happened before we even started trying for kids. And the incident last summer with my brother's wife was a full year following the last miscarriage.
> 
> ...


Her going on meds and jumping off will only make the delusional episodes worse. The med's she was prescribed need to be withdrawn slowly under a doctor supervision. 

The problem is the patient feels like they are being controlled and quit without telling anyone so they can be "free". The delusions jump into overdrive. She will alienate friends and family then ultimately you.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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