# Is it really a good idea to tell friends and family about the DS's EA?



## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I've seen a lot of people mention that you should tell your family and your DS's family and friends about the EA that the DS had. Is this really a good idea? Can anyone that has gone through this experience, give me some input on how you went about it and what the outcome turned out to be from doing so? Thanks


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## Oft (Dec 30, 2010)

If you are trying to stop your SO from continuing an affair then I would say yes. I told my in-laws about the affair and I got a huge amount of support from them. I also told my parents that we were having marital problems, but I didn't tell my father any details as he is one that will hang onto it. He wouldn't hesitate to throw it in her face if we were to reconcile. In other words, if your friends and family can't handle it in a mature fashion, don't tell them. If they can, then do as they could really help you out.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

My situation may be a little different, but I got my partner to tell his Mum ASAP. This was partly so someone else knew and we didn't feel so alone. It was partly so I had someone to talk to (my family are on the other side of the world). And partly because he was very deeply upset when he told me, to the point of being suicidal. That was the second time he said he'd felt suicidal in three weeks. He needed the support of his family with that and also she helped me convince him to get professional help, which he's now doing. That's why I say my situation may be different to some others. I didn't ask him to tell to shame him or stop the infidelity; it was so we have help and support.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I am struggling with the same question. My wife will not stop her EA. "She is confused. She needs her time." Her father has always been controlling. I think that is why she is so rebellious. If I told him, I am sure he would come down hard on her. It would probably bring about such resentment on her end that the marriage would be irreconcilable. I haven't told anyone, except a counsellor and on these message boards. At some point, it is inevitable that they find out if the affair doesn't end.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You tell all those who will adversely affect the affair and are pro marriage . You absolutely tell all the OM or OW 's friends and family , it is the only effective tool you have to break the affair, sitting holding your breath with hope and anticipation does not work. You look the affair in the eye and you deal with it. The fallout can be painful especially for those in the affair , look at it this way they are proud to be in an affair so why keep it a secret, if they had any respect and love for you they would stop and focus on rebuilding the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Eli-Zor said:


> You tell all those who will adversely affect the affair and are pro marriage . You absolutely tell all the OM or OW 's friends and family , it is the only effective tool you have to break the affair, sitting holding your breath with hope and anticipation does not work. You look the affair in the eye and you deal with it. The fallout can be painful especially for those in the affair , look at it this way they are proud to be in an affair so why keep it a secret, if they had any respect and love for you they would stop and focus on rebuilding the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While exposure is a valid option, I will dissent from the notion that it is the only option. In dealing with my wife's EA several years ago, exposure was very much on the table but I chose not to use it. There were careful considerations in making that decision but I am sure if I had thrown down that gauntlet down early in the recovery we wouldn't have survived. It would have driven her further towards TOM and validated her "fog view" that I was trying to be controlling. We worked it through and with time we both understood what the relationship was and the damage it had done to our marriage. The use of exposure needs to be carefully considered and the possible aftermath understood before being done. In my opinion it is the nuclear option, balls to the walls, all in, ditch effort. Be aware that it might work or it might blow up in your face. Every situation is different. Choose wisely.

Now that we have recovered I am even more grateful that I didn't. Who needs those skeletons dragging behind them for the rest of their lives.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I won't lie. I did it at first out of anger. When I thought Divorce was the only option, I FBed it all over, and told her family and my family. I thought to myself, "If I have to feel like ****, they should look like ****". I am both glad I did it, and not glad. 
Glad-because people know the truth of the OP, yes also about my wife, but there are dozens of stories behind the OP and what kind of sleeze he is. This way there are less women he will use. 
Glad-Some of the people we know are helping us BOTH out during it. 
Glad-people know what is going on. (example, if I get a trigger and go out side to hang out with myself no one is wondering what is up)
Glad-It kind of humbled my wife a bit. Slowly but surely it helped with the slap of reality, or the "fog" break free.
Glad-Won't lie, it made me feel better, as evil as that sounds. 

Not Glad- Wife (right now) doesn't want to do much with my family. 
Not Glad- Some of her own family still does not know everything, but will learn someday, and she is trying to learn how to tell them. 
Not Glad- With the details that came out, a lot of people are telling me to just kick her to the curb.....which is not helping us work it out. (Edit-they have been getting better lately)
Not Glad-Knowing my wife in the eyes of friends and family looks like a monster. (then again....if this happens again, or something to that effect, maybe she is)

Over all, to do it or not to do it depends on your feelings, thoughts, and what kind of episode it was. If my wife just had a one night mishap drunk, I probably would have kept it between us, and just still work on things. but because it was A LOT DEEPER then that, I felt it needed airing.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Was exposure on the table during the EA or after? My wife is currently involved in an EA that she refuses to end. She says I am being controlling in wanting her to end it. What is the "fog view" that everyone mentions? Where do I learn more about that? It is day 14 since I found out. It has been ongoing for 8 months.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

The problem is that my wife has been talking to her mom about everything and getting advice from her, which is great, but it's not exactly fair to me and her mom because her mom is giving her advice without knowing what has really gone on.

I asked my wife what she told her mom and she said that she told her that we have been having problems with our marriage and said that she had talked to a guy more than she should have. 

But thats really it, she hasn't gone into detail and told her mom about how she was talking to this guy on the phone for 50+ minutes about an hour after I left for work, or that when she left for work she would call the guy and talk to him on her way to work or on her way home from work. I'm also guessing that she hasn't gone into detail about how they texted each other back and forth 5600+ times or talked on the phone with him around 1200 minutes during a 6 week period.

She certainly hasn't told her mom that it was an EA because she refuses to call it that when I bring it up. She refuses to call it that because when she hears the word affair all she can think of is a PA.

I don't see how she can take someones advice into consideration when the advice is coming from someone who knows only a limited amount of information about the whole situation. I really don't feel like it's fair to me or her mother.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Was exposure on the table during the EA or after? My wife is currently involved in an EA that she refuses to end. She says I am being controlling in wanting her to end it. What is the "fog view" that everyone mentions? Where do I learn more about that? It is day 14 since I found out. It has been ongoing for 8 months.


The exposure was during the EA. I told my wife I wasn't comfortable with her talking with the OM at all and left it to her to decide what to do. 

At first she got pissed and said she wasn't going to stop talking to the OM because they are friends and she said she thought I was being controlling, but eventually she said she won't talk to him anymore. As far as I know its been 4 months and they haven't spoken at all, well he tried to contact her and she tried to hide it but I found out regardless and let her know I wasn't going to put up with it.

Sometimes I feel like maybe they found another way to talk to each other, but the whole situation just really messes up your reality...

Pit-Of-My-Stomach showed me this link when I asked about the FOG, it cleared a lot of it up for me. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

HurtinginTN said:


> Was exposure on the table during the EA or after? My wife is currently involved in an EA that she refuses to end. She says I am being controlling in wanting her to end it. What is the "fog view" that everyone mentions? Where do I learn more about that? It is day 14 since I found out. It has been ongoing for 8 months.


Exposer can only be used during the affair, physical or emotional. Doing it after would be nothing more than vindictiveness and could destroy any positives gained. The "fog" is just that. The WS is so enamored with their new "fantasy" that anything you do is jaded in their eyes. They don't see the reality of what's really going on. They are in denial of what the affair is doing to the marriage, let alone that it might be part of the root cause of the problems and they are blind to what their spouse is trying to do to repair things. The Fog won't lift unit TOM/TOW is out of the picture for good. The biggest problem I see in dealing with an EA is that the offending spouse doesn't see it as wrong. "I haven't slept with him/her so I've done nothing wrong." That's how they rationalize it to themselves and to their spouse. It is not denial, it is being in denial.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

That is exactly the problem. She doesn't see anything wrong with it. The only thing wrong is that I don't like it. I should just change my attitude about it and everything would be OK. I bought into this for months and tried to change my attitude. I would be OK for a little while until I happened to see some new chat.

"She's my spades wife."

"I'll be out of town until Sunday."

"I changed my vacation to next week."

When leaving for the night, my wife typed, "2morrow?"

I would get angry and she would explain it off that I am just insecure and jealous. It was innocent fun. That worked for her for a while until I saw the google searches. That hit me like a ton of lead. I was right the whole time and she made me feel like I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

I believe she still thinks that. I am making a mountain out of a molehill.


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## NJEH (Jan 11, 2011)

I just read His Needs Her Needs and the author says to tell family and friends. He says you should make turn their fantasy into their worst nightmare.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

lets say you save the marriage...

10 years down the road, you forgive and "forget" <--not really.

But anyways.. 10 years later, You are still the guy who deserves pity and she is still the tramp or visa versa.

Bottom line.. Shut the pie hole. dont say a word. You will regret it down the road.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Gossip is unethical.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Gossip is unethical.


So is an affair....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't wallow in the mud with the swine, rise above it.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I haven't planned on telling anyone. I just thought that if she was going to talk to her mom and ask her for advice, that it isn't fair to me or her mom if she hasn't told her mom the full story, because how is her mom supposed to give her advice with out knowledge of what happened.

I guess my wife told her mom herself on friday. My wife said her mom slapped her and was really pissed. I don't want her mom to be mad at her but at the same time I want her to know whats going on so when my wife asks her for advice, her mom can actually give her advice based off of whats really going on.


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