# Comparing my neglect in the past to hers



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

My wife had an affair about 5 years ago. I have a lot of posts on here about it. For the most part things are going pretty good. 
There is one issue that has been bothering me though.
About 6 months ago we were discussing our past and I brought up in the early days after we had our first 2 kids sex was not happening near enough to satisfy me. We got into arguments and she would say I just wanted to get off, she wasn't in the mood for some reason or another. There were a lot of turn downs, I can remember specific times. It wasn't like I was totally without, but I was in my prime and we know how important it is for most men at that age, and in that stage of the relationship. I remember feeling resentful and thinking I could just go get it somewhere else at times, and a few times questioned our marriage. I never acted on anything and did what a good husband is supposed to do, and took matters in my own hand.
So 6 months ago I brought this up, and how I felt I was being physically neglected at one point in our marriage, and I could of acted out on it but I chose not to. Then 15 years down the road I am neglecting her emotionally, and instead of coming to me, or doing something else, she chose to have a EA which is what she was lacking but then! it also turned into a PA.
I wanted to know how that was fair, and where is the justice. I stuck it out and she didn't even think twice about it.
She proceeded to tell me they were not even the same thing, that I was just a horn dog and I could take care of things on my own, that I didn't need sex that often, so you can't even compare the two. 
At first I thought that maybe she was right that I didn't need it that often, and I could full fill the physical part, but it didn't take care of the emotional part of it. 
Now that I have had more time to reflect and look back I don't fill that way and she needs to own up to the things she did to me, acknowledge it, and not dismiss it as just being a physical need. I won't except anything short of that. 
Am I wrong for feeling this way or right? It keeps coming up and I keep remembering different times in the past and unless I confront her it will not go away.
Thanks in advance!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is your marriage/relationship now aside from this argument about the past?


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> My wife had an affair about 5 years ago...So 6 months ago I brought this up...


Right away she should have noticed that after 5 years the anguish is still there.



nxs450 said:


> and how I felt I was being physically neglected at one point in our marriage, and I could of acted out on it but I chose not to.


When marriages are stale, some choose to betray and some choose to remain faithful and earn trust. I would hope she recognizes that.



nxs450 said:


> Then 15 years down the road I am neglecting her emotionally, and instead of coming to me, or doing something else, she chose to have a EA which is what she was lacking but then! it also turned into a PA. I wanted to know how that was fair, and where is the justice. I stuck it out _and she didn't even think twice about it._


Sadly, betrayers justify their actions rather than seeing it, and themselves, for what it really is- a wanton betrayal. In other words, 'I've shrugged it off and don't care'.




nxs450 said:


> She proceeded to tell me they were not even the same thing... you can't even compare the two.


No remorse or contrition. She did what she had to do for her needs and it's your tough luck.




nxs450 said:


> Now that I have had more time to reflect and look back I don't fill that way and she needs to own up to the things she did to me, acknowledge it, and not dismiss it as just being a physical need. I won't except anything short of that.


You are 100% correct. But to her it is fully justified and that is a pretty cold way to deal with hurting people so badly. She simply doesn't care.




nxs450 said:


> Am I wrong for feeling this way or right? It keeps coming up and I keep remembering different times in the past and unless I confront her it will not go away.


Not at all! She doesn't feel the need to forgive herself or ask you for forgiveness as well. A betrayer has to fully and honestly acknowledge their betrayal and show genuine sorrow over it. Anything less tells me they will do so again as it is their acceptable method of dealing with marital issues. 




nxs450 said:


> Thanks in advance!


I wish you well. You have one cold blooded woman there.


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

So, she thinks she hurt worse, so her affair was justified? 
is this what your saying?

She should NOT have done what she did. She was WRONG and should have no issues with admitting that. I realize it has been 5 years and you are drumming up some old hurts, but still, she should at least acknowledge what she did was wrong and that it was not ok or justified. 

I really hope this wasn't how things went when this was discussed 5 years ago.

btw: Being neglected physically does hurt you emotionally!


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

B1 said:


> So, she thinks she hurt worse, so her affair was justified?
> is this what your saying?
> 
> She should NOT have done what she did. She was WRONG and should have no issues with admitting that. I realize it has been 5 years and you are drumming up some old hurts, but still, she should at least acknowledge what she did was wrong and that it was not ok or justified.
> ...


That is usually where she is coming from. She wants to justify her pain is much worse then any pain I experienced. She knows she hurt me with the affair so she doesn't want to be responsible for anything else I guess.
A lot of times she thinks I set around and think of other things to make her feel bad. It's not that at all. I remember things In our past sometimes to try and figure out what happened, or in this case the fact I could of done the same thing because it happened for several years, and caused me emotional pain. 
Funny thing is I only realize it did recently. Back then I was just angry and didn't realize it was hurting me. I wasn't in touch with my feelings at all back then. I kept my pain locked up.

What do you mean about you hope things didn't go like this 5 years ago?


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How is your marriage/relationship now aside from this argument about the past?


It is pretty good. I recently had a trigger that set me off for a while. I am on Hormone Replacement Therapy and I was pretty down at the time. Estradiol (same thing as estrogen in women)was really high at the time which caused me to be very emotional. 
This one thing kind of eats on me because of the way she see's it and I am wondering if I should bring it up again.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

> ...She proceeded to tell me they were not even the same thing, that I was just a horn dog and I could take care of things on my own, that I didn't need sex that often, so you can't even compare the two...


I hope you're paraphrasing what she said. "a horndog"? "take care of things on your own"? That takes balls, alcohol, or a total lack of empathy to say these things in a serious manner.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I hope you're paraphrasing what she said. "a horndog"? "take care of things on your own"? That takes balls, alcohol, or a total lack of empathy to say these things in a serious manner.


No I am not. Of course back then she didn't even know that there were times I took care of things myself. It wasn't until we got closer later on that we talked about things like that.
But that is how she put it.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> I stuck it out and she didn't even think twice about it.
> She proceeded to tell me they were not even the same thing, that I was just a horn dog and I could take care of things on my own, that I didn't need sex that often, so you can't even compare the two.


This would be an ex-wife for me.

Not wife.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do not understand how those comments would not be a deal breaker to you. I do not understand those comments could not be applied to her. She is quite the manipulator and has a total lack of empathy. This is not what a remorseful spouse sounds like.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

nxs450 said:


> No I am not. Of course back then she didn't even know that there were times I took care of things myself. It wasn't until we got closer later on that we talked about things like that.
> But that is how she put it.


Wow. 
No, I mean WOW!!!

That's sheer contempt. According to her your intimacy needs are irrelevant but her emotional (and evidently sexual) needs are paramount. Has she been diagnosed with any type of emotional disorder? (have you?)

If it works for you then you're a far better man than I kimosabe.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She sounds like one of those women who have no concept of how men think, how it is so different in many respects from the way women think. I agree that you are hearing contempt, especially in her unwillingness to entertain the idea that you might feel differently about this & that your feelings are equally valid.

I would insist that she read 'His Needs/Her Needs.' I would really insist on it.


----------

