# A wife who doesn't get it.



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Have been on this site. And am ready to give up and not care any more. I will not start by saying that My husband and I dont have sex. But it is probably average about once a month. We are both in our 50's. A couple of years back I discussed with my husband I would like our sex life to be better because it's just me and him and we only have eachother for the rest of our lives and life is too short not to enjoy eachother. Like Oprah an aah haa moment.
Well our sex life was pretty good for a short period. At the time I had noticed that once in a blue moon he looks at porn on computer and is masterbating very early in AM in computer room.

Well is still doing it. The problem is we really are on different clocks. I like to stay up later and he literally falls asleep so quickly every night and wakes up like 4:30am every morning. Way too early for me. He's tired at night and me in the morning.

Another problem is that I will not initiate. I just dont know how. But I have made it known to my husband that I love sex with him.

Last night we were talking about another couple who they joked that they never have sex. I said to him "well we never have sex either" Last time was 3-4 weeks ago. I am not one who "needs"sex every day. Probabley once a week would be nice but when I have these discussions we end up having sex for awhile then it dwindles back again to very seldom.

Tired of bringing up the subject again and again. I always see in bathroom trash can his papertowels that have evidence of him masterbating every morning. Its a slap in my face. Even after what i said to him last night I saw a paper towel in the bathroom with "that" smell on it. At least he could get rid of the evidence rather than put it in my face literally. I am the only person that cleans bathrooms and house.

I am in my 50's but I take care of myself and always try to look good. and when I do he NEVER compliments me. Sad but true. He is a great husband and many other ways. Just don't get it. 
So I am ready to give up. There are many things getting in the way at night preventing sex. Tired, Bloated, have to go to bathroom, Blah Blah Blah Sometimes me too. Just sad.
But I will not go after him or discuss. Beating a old horse is not fun.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

When was the last time he had a good physical at the doctors? Perhaps his testosterone levels are low. He may need to lay off the porn for awhile as well.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Do not think that's it, sorry. When we have sex there are no problems.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Do not think that's it, sorry. When we have sex there are no problems.


Might not be, wouldn't hurt to get checked out. If you think its just the porn, then issue a ultimatum. But only if you plan on following through. Tell him its the marriage or the porn. He needs to decide, if he can't choose then you may have to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jamison said*: *When was the last time he had a good physical at the doctors? Perhaps his testosterone levels are low*


If he is getting off every day, even every other day , in his 50's.. sperm on the paper towels to show for it..his test is fine... that's not it.

I have a different take.. is there any resentment - could be over a # of things in your marriage, building up over the years, often lack of sex/ intimacy is just a symptom of a much deeper problem. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html



gmabcd said:


> Another problem is that I will not initiate. I just dont know how. But I have made it known to my husband that I love sex with him.


A man needs to be showed you WANT HIM.. If I never initiated.... my husband would not feel loved..... Every guy is different , true, but some are more sensitive in the sexual..



> *I am not one who "needs"sex every day. Probabley once a week would be nice.*


 If we got him to a Therapist to open up just HOW HE FEELS IN THIS.. what are the chances that he may not feel wanted or loved by you? you are a once a weeker... he has likely wanted more sex than that your entire marriage, so he started masturbating to fill in the gap, didn't like feeing a burden or rejected...knowing you was only interested once a week...so his taking care of himself became a habit...this so often happens in marriages...men trying to cope...not feeling wanted by their wives...then slowly shutting down (some resentment in that too).... then the tide turns too much...*then she feels rejected*...



> *The problem is we really are on different clocks. I like to stay up later and he literally falls asleep so quickly every night and wakes up like 4:30am every morning. Way too early for me. He's tired at night and me in the morning.*



WHen my sex drive went through the roof (higher than my husband's & he couldn't keep up)... I literally catered myself around HIS SCHEDULE... For men in their 50's ...AM Is their best time as testosterone has been built up over night... 

If I was in your shoes and you are serious to jump start the intimacy...I would change my sleeping schedule , set my alarm & wake your man going under the covers to surprise him with a morning BJ...and rock his world.. trust me, he is not going to turn you down...if he does, you have reason to be very upset, but I don't see it happening. This will usher you both down a path that you will wish you had done many years before. ..

I challenge you. 

But I also see how his masturbating is hurting you as well.. 

I am curious to know 3 things...

*1*. How is the sexual communication between the 2 of you...being vulnerable about our hurt feelings in the sexual is not an easy place for many to go.. but it's necessary for understanding...and coming together...

*2. *Has he EVER made reference to YOU NOT being in the mood or he wants to feel more of your desire ? And if so, what did you do to help him feel more wanted -in actions. Not just words. 

*3*. Have you let him know how you feel catching him masturbating to porn - this hurts you...you feel he doesn't care or want you.

It IS possible for a couple to miss each other something awful when they don't talk about sex. I say this from my own experience...(to a smaller degree, but it happened to us too...my husband was slowly building some resentment towards me & I always loved sex -- go figure)


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If he is getting off every day, even every other day , in his 50's.. sperm on the paper towels to show for it..his test is fine... that's not it.
> 
> )


Could be, different for different people I suppose. I'm near that age, can shoot it out, but I still have low T, just because I can shoot it out doesn't mean the desire is always there to initiate more etc. 

So moving along...SA you could be on to something with the resentment, so resentment issues can kill a sex drive and to much porn as well. To the OP, its time to have a heart to heart with your husband.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Are the kids grown and gone or do you not have kids? How long have you been married?

You have to find a way to initiate sex. There are lots of ways you can signal to your H you want to have sex without doing a strip tease after dinner when your stomach is full and you digestion is rumbling along... 

You have to discover if your husband's laziness is due to being a coaster or a drifter. Coaster men never ever think about how their life is turning out. They go to work, they come home, they eat and they sleep. That's life...right? Drifter men are aware of the subtle and sorry state of things, but don't think they can do anything about it and don't see how they have contributed.

Your H masturbates daily. Well that might be okay so long as his masturbation in the morning doesn't prevent him from getting it up for you later in the day... IDK all men are different in that way. Maybe his sex drive is strongest in the AM? 

So here's what I suggest and most of this I have done myself to reignite the flames of lust and emotional connection.

Find out his sexual fantasies. Just like women want to be wanted, men want to be wanted. What floats his boat? What kid of porn does he like? Most men LOVE it when a woman takes charge and makes it very clear she desires his body. If you've never been comfortable initiating sex, you've probably never thought about how this puts all the pressure on him to show desire. You need to show him YOU desire HIM and HIS body and HIS erection! 

Send flirty texts to him during the day. 

"Save some energy for me. Was thinking about your lovely erection and how much I miss it!"
"Tomorrow I'm changing the sheets so let's get them really messy today!"
"Guess what I'm NOT wearing today, why I'm not wearing them, and what that means I want from you?"
"When a wife lights candles in the bedroom, does it always mean the electricity is out?"
"I want your body... On top of mine!"

At some point you two are going to have to discuss just how far apart you've drifted. But you have to be willing to speak to him in ways that make him feel loved, sex, so he can more easily speak to you in ways that make you feel loved.

Couples who have a good sex life talk about sex often. They don't simply have sex and expect understanding to flow on it's own. They share thoughts about sex, what makes them hot, what they like, what they want to try, where they want to try it... Sex is a big big word that means something different to everyone and the only way to get on the same page is to read to each other from your own books.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jamison said:


> Could be, different for different people I suppose. I'm near that age, can shoot it out, but I still have low T, just because I can shoot it out doesn't mean the desire is always there to initiate more etc.


 My husband's is *lower than average* for his age too (though still within normal range which can be from 250ish to 1100ish)...... tested at age 45, was told his levels were normal for a 60 yr old....

I worried about this darn comment from the endocrinologist for months.. I read 2 books on Testosterone, learned that for some men... those lower #'s are not a problem... I believe this fits my husband... he was never the aggressive type..he wasn't falling asleep after work or having brain fog (other symptoms)... 

Yet once a day was pretty much HIS LIMIT.. unless he took some viagra.. and many a times his orgasms seemed DRY to me... he got off but very little sperm. I guess that can be any way.. given what you said. 

He had another Testosterone morning test last Jan (at my request)...and had a higher # (mid 500's) than all 9 of them 5 yrs ago... so I think all the extra sex we were having raised it some... I don't know.. sounds good anyway!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband's is *lower than average* for his age too (though still within normal range which can be from 250ish to 1100ish)...... tested at age 45, was told his levels were normal for a 60 yr old....
> 
> I worried about this darn comment from the endocrinologist for months.. I read 2 books on Testosterone, learned that for some men... those lower #'s are not a problem... I believe this fits my husband... he was never the aggressive type..he wasn't falling asleep after work or having brain fog (other symptoms)...
> 
> ...


Excellent! :smthumbup:


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

I have had heart to hearts with him in the past. Just don't feel like bringing up the same issues. This morning he comes in the room after being up for couple of hours before me and tells me we will do it tonight. Is this out of guilt what I told him yesterday or does he really want to be with me. I never know. I told him whatever in defense. and then proceeded to tell him that the last time we were at a party about a week ago I put on a pretty dress and thought I looked prettygood and I didn't get once compliment from him. He's not big on this category as well. I am not usually sensitive but as I get older probably getting more sensitive. He just said I don't know why i didn't. He said you always look good.Then I said you complimented the women's dress whose birthday it was but not my new dress. Well anyway I am rambling, I just said things like that don't actually put me in the mood.
He knows that I love being with him. I have told him many times how I feel we mesh in the sexual department and how I wouldnt want to be with anyone else. He is not a verbal person and doesnt like to discuss sexual things.

I have brought up the porn in the past. I don't think he views it for hours on end. Probably like ten minutes to get off in morning. But it's insulting. He is a busy guy at work so he is not a porn addict or anything. I wouldnt really care if i knew we were connecting sexually at least once a week. I am not this overly sexual person but do love being with my husband and he knows it.
And he knows its hard for me to initiate. And some days I say to myself tonight I will initiate and then He gets tired, I have a stomache issue, I am tired and it doesn't happen.

I would never give my husband the ultimatum of porn or the marraige. I have been with my husband for 25 years and have children with him. He is a permanent fixture. But wished he would get it and understand how women roll more often.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How about marriage counseling? Do you think he would be up for that? Maybe a professional can help you both learn ways to be more open with each other as far as communication, and ways to initiate more etc. However, if no one is willing to budge or at least try to work on things and find a compromise then not sure how things will work and change for the better. Since you all have been married for 25 yrs and hes a permenant fixture then hopefully you both can pull together as a team and make the next 25 more wonderful years, instead of one not getting their needs met more often and the other whacking to porn rather than wanting to be with his wife more.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Are the kids grown and gone or do you not have kids? How long have you been married?
> 
> You have to find a way to initiate sex. There are lots of ways you can signal to your H you want to have sex without doing a strip tease after dinner when your stomach is full and you digestion is rumbling along...
> 
> ...


Wow alot what you have said makes so much sense! I know i have to try and initiate more. and yes, I guess it is not easy probably for him to initiate. Just so used to it being him i guess.
Thanks on the little suggestions on how to initiate in different ways. Maybe I will send him a text later. Don't know why I get embarressed with my own husband on this issue.

But somethimes I feel he prefers to just masterbate out of laziness because it's less effort then a full blown out sexual encounter. Takes to long. I really don't know.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Well meaning good guys but kinda dumb when it comes to women! I have had several different threads on getting my husband to compliment me. You ask, he delivers, then you question the sincerity. Totally get it! 

Men need admiration too. Sometimes it's recognition for simply getting his ass outta bed and going to work, sometimes it's sexy admiration, sometimes it's respect for doing man stuff, like killing spiders and cleaning out the rain gutters or putting air in the tires...you know man stuff women tend to overlook until they have to do it themselves....but almost all men need to feel their woman loves their erection! Even if he doesn't need to hear you say how handsome he looks, he does need to hear how much you admire his lovely erection! Why do you think men love blow jobs so much? Nothing says I love your d!ck better then making out with it!

Maybe his daily masturbation is a problem in itself, maybe it's not. But I would suggest you put this on the back burner until YOU are in the comfort zone of saying I want your body on a regular basis. My guess is it will work itself out.

You need romance and thoughtfulness from him. But his daily masturbation points to HIM feeling cut off from you so it's kinda up to you to reestablish that connection....cause remember, men are kinda dumb about Fe-eee-lings.


ETA:


> does he really want to be with me. I never know. I told him whatever in defense.


Not to late to fix this! He's trying, just not trying in the way you need him to.

Send him a text today. "Sorry about this morning. Just need to feel you still love this older version of me. Don't work too hard today cause I'm gonna keep you UP late tonight!"


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

You have gotten some great advice, but I wanted to point out a couple things that jump out to me.

As an initial matter, you are acting like a lot of the men who come here complaining about no sex. For example:



gmabcd said:


> A couple of years back I discussed with my husband I would like our sex life to be better because it's just me and him and we only have eachother for the rest of our lives and life is too short not to enjoy eachother. Like Oprah an aah haa moment.
> Well our sex life was pretty good for a short period.


So you have a talk, he changes at first and then drifts right back into the old habits. You get frustrated. Repeat.

So with that in mind, I will give you some of the same advice I give them. You can't change him so change yourself. I find this telling:



> The problem is we really are on different clocks. I like to stay up later and he literally falls asleep so quickly every night and wakes up like 4:30am every morning. Way too early for me. He's tired at night and me in the morning.





> Another problem is that I will not initiate. I just dont know how. But I have made it known to my husband that I love sex with him.


This comes across as you want him to do all the work, but you don't want to do any of the work yourself. Sex is important to you, but only so long as it involves him doing all the work. Consider that it may come across as controlling.

So if it is important to you, why don't you meet him half way? Perhaps set your alarm for some fun in the morning, then you go back to sleep. Or have him take a nap on a Saturday afternoon and then stay up while you seduce him? Take some actions to show that it is important to you, as oppose to just saying that it is.

If that does not work, then start aligning your actions with you words. Stop doing the all the stuff that he has come to expect.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

gmabcd;55660
Another problem is that I will not initiate. I just dont know how. But I have made it known to my husband that I love sex with him.
.[/QUOTE said:


> Suggestion. Tap him on the shoulder and say, "I want to fool around" You just initiated it. See? Clear as milk.
> 
> You don't have to strut around like a peahen or buy a stripper pole, all you have to do is ask. Maybe he will or won't but you asked and asking is initiating sex.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Thank you all for alot of very sound advice!!!!! I have to try and be the one to initiate from time to time.... I know!!!! I will make an effort even though I dont know why it is difficult for me. 

To ever asked me if I ever reject him. The answer is once in a blue moon and it's usually because of bathroom issues. Don't need to be to graphic. But I do not reject time after time ever!!!!

I do have to let him know when I am in the mood. For me this is difficult and I don't know why. I am really close and upfront with all other aspects of my life. too wierd.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

If you feel awkward about verbalising when you are in the mood how about telling him in more subtle ways? If you are not generally very tactile then giving him a kiss out of the blue or rubbing your hands through his hair or hugging or stroking him in a sexy way could indicate your desire without you having to say a word. If you are always touching him then just ramp up the sexiness when you are in the mood. Or dress more sexily if you are in the mood. Wiggle your butt at him as you walk past him. Give him a flash of your underwear if you are feeling really cheeky.

There is a thread somewhere about ways to initiate. Have a look at it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If morning is bad for you, and night is bad for him, have you tried afternoon or evening sex?


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

LnghrnFan said:


> Just curious...have you ever attended marriage counseling? At s trained therapist might really be able to help. Ime like his porounds to n use is a big part of the problem, but unless he gets help (and it is a problem! Porn is highly addictive.), things probably won't change. Maybe this Q&A will be helpful: Help me understand why my husband's sex drive is so low and why he doesn't seem to want to fix it.. Blessings to you!


I truly dont believe porn is the issue. If he looks at computer in morning its probably for abot 10 minutes each time. Only in AM.
I don't think that makes you a porn addict. He just wants a quick release and is lazy at night to have sex with me. I don't think he purposely trying to hurt me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

gmabcd said:


> I truly dont believe porn is the issue. If he looks at computer in morning its probably for abot 10 minutes each time. Only in AM.
> I don't think that makes you a porn addict. He just wants a quick release and is lazy at night to have sex with me. I don't think he purposely trying to hurt me.


Would he be willing to forgo his morning masturbation for, say, a month to see if that might help you two get into sync sexually? 

If he isn't willing to give it a try, that would tell me he isn't interested in fixing this issue. He may not be a porn addict, but if his daily masturbation is leading to him not wanting sex with you, that's a problem.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Jackpot! Was aggressive and told my husband that I wanted to have sex tonight and BINGO it happened. And it was nice. Ask and you shall get. And it was me who initiated. Now I have to continue doing this. :smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bravo!!!

Next lesson...erotic spanking! :whip:


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

OK Anon Pink, Let's not go that far. Baby steps.


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## Lovebeingmarried (Sep 16, 2013)

I am curious as to how YOU define "better". Is it by contact time? Quantity? Quality? If quality, how so. Spend some time defining those. Hubby told me in a very angry outburst that he wanted sex more. So i got naked more and laid next to him more and he slept right thru it. So I called him on it. 

Then he said he wanted me to participate more. So i got naked more and laid next to him more and moaned and threw out grunts and he got mad.

Apparently, what he MEANT to say is that he envisioned an exact picture in his head and was expecting me to read his mind and, get this, to actually have THE EXACT same desires he does. Um, impossible. I can robotically do all the moves but I cannot copy the same passion, desire or emotions, nor do I have all if the same as him.

It has made sex miserable. I am no longer allowed to feel my own passion. I am to give him what he feels and desire it back exactly the same. Yawn.

Anyway, figure out what you are looking for. He is into porn because it is easy and gets the job done. I prefer to masturbate for about 48 seconds than go thru society's stereotype of what a wife is required to provide in exchange for a wedding ring and a paycheck. 

I never asked him o earn big money for me. I was fine with splitting the costs so I would not owe sex like a piece of property.


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## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Lovebeingmarried said:


> I am curious as to how YOU define "better". Is it by contact time? Quantity? Quality? If quality, how so. Spend some time defining those. Hubby told me in a very angry outburst that he wanted sex more. So i got naked more and laid next to him more and he slept right thru it. So I called him on it.
> 
> Then he said he wanted me to participate more. So i got naked more and laid next to him more and moaned and threw out grunts and he got mad.
> 
> ...


I really don't know what you are saying?


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## RaiderGirl (Jul 3, 2013)

gmabcd said:


> Do not think that's it, sorry. When we have sex there are no problems.


LowT does not mean erectile dysfunstion. LowT means lack of desire or drive. Get him checked by a doctor that practices HRT. General Practioners are clueless. His T shouldnt be lower than 550 irrgardless of his age.


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## Jakobi Greenleaf (Sep 19, 2012)

*Re: Re: A wife who doesn't get it.*



gmabcd said:


> I really don't know what you are saying?



Just focus on the first few lines. You said that it was better. What is it that made it better? Simply the idea that you initiated the encounter? Was the act itself better than the norm? The idea that your initiation means the frequency will go up? 

What you think made it better will be very telling. If each individual sexual encounter has been good, then the problem might be merely how often these encounters happen. You asked, and you got what you wanted. You are the solution to your problem. Ask more, and get more. 

If the sex itself was better, let him know. Encourage him. Make sure it's always at least as good as you need it to be. Stroke his ego a bit. Let him know how much you enjoyed it, and let him know that you expect a repeat performance sooner, rather than later. 

Be happy it was better. Be very happy. Figure out why it was better, and take that knowledge to make it better still.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Gmabcd - I am in a sexless marriage. My wifes idea of instigating sex is, and I kid you not, 'if you want my services then I am here'.

Of course that really lights my fire....my wife showing me just how much she wants me. Not.

On the whole, women like to be shown love by their partners massaging them, running a bath for them, having flowers bought for them. 
That is YOUR launguage of love....a mans language of love is far more basic...we want our partners to want us PHYSICALLY!

A previous poster mentioned that you ought to send your husband some raunchy text messages....

If my wife ever sent me a text message saying something like...'For some reason I've just been imagining your lovely hard erect ****...Can't wait for you to get home!'.....after having fallen off my chair I'd be on my way home in a flash!

Thats the language we men understand. If you show no active interest in having sex with our husband, his interest in having sex with you and his overall self confidence/esteem will tumble.

I am late 40's....I masturbate 1-2 times a week...why? because I enjoy it and it is a great stress reliever and doesn't ivolve a 'service provider'!
I want a wife who WANTS ME...because she LOVES ME and my 'bits'...I don't want her to have sex with me as a 'service'. Has my self confidence and self esteem taken a battering? Yup.

If I want a 'service' I'll go to a hooker.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My love language is large boxes from B&H Camera arriving at my door...

If a couple have been together for a while and the partners are unaware of each other's 'language' more talk is needed, and more thinking. Not more languages.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

gmabcd said:


> I would like our sex life to be better.
> 
> Another problem is that I will not initiate. I just dont know how.
> 
> ...


I often catch myself doing what you are doing. I make excuses as to why I can't or won't correct my problems.

Do you want sex enough to learn how to initiate? 

I have a wife who never initiates and she also claims to enjoy our sex very much.

The problem is that a man then never knows that she still desires him or when she wants sex. 

He might also forget that she too is a sexual creature and allow his own sexual drive to slow. 

It would be terrible waste if you both resent each other for not initiating whilst both waiting for each other to initiate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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