# another anniversary



## snowstorm (Nov 3, 2010)

I am too tired tonight to get into the past...but my marriage has been over for three years. If not longer, though I was too afraid to come forward and rock the boat.

Each time I tell him that I want a divorce, he backs me into a corner. I feel trapped. The first year he begged me to wait until after Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and birthdays over and over again. He said I would ruin it for everyone.The second year, he blamed me for wanting to ruin our family...our kids...their lives. I took alot of emotional, and other abuse. He blamed me for our marriage failing. How I had changed. He threaten to not work with me on custody issues. He was just mean all the way around. We function for the sake of our kids. 
This time (three weeks ago) he texts me and wants to work it out. He wants to change. He recognizes the error of his ways through a self help book. He "texts" me how we need to communicate more. When I asked him why he wanted to try...he didn't say it was because I love you. When I brought this to his attention he simply said it was b/c during an argument A YEAR AGO I told him to never say that to me again. He said he does love me. ??? Needless to say, I told him I was done. Again. The feelings are gone. I don't love him the way a wife should. We have lived on seperate sides of our home for three years now. It is confusing to our kids. We haven't been intimate in a year in a half. My actions show my resentment  I have told him how I feel. And he continues to "try." But it isn't sincere. No warmth. No love in it. Exercise and children are our only conversation pieces. I don't/never have known his friends. They are all single. I don't have many friends that live closeby b/c he doesn't like them. Or never wants to do anything with them...Long story really. But his controlling/passive agressive behavior runs rampant.

So, he "texts" me happy anniversay today. Then he goes out and buys a nice expensive pair of earrings for me. And hands it to me and says I picked you up a little something. I of course reply, you shouldn't have... He doesn't hug me nor does he say I love you when giving me these items. The card is simply signed I love you. 

I don't know what to make of this. Why won't he let me go... Should I keep the gift. It doesn't feel right to keep, yet it feels wrong to hand it back to him. How do I end this marriage without being the one to blame. How do I end it when he begs me to stay


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm confused by your post. On one hand you sound like you have already checked out of the marriage and made that known to him. On the other hand you sound seriously disappointed that he doesn't verbalize "I love you" to you and want to use that as a reason to justify leaving him. Well, did you, or did you not, tell him never to say those three words to him again?

It sounds like you've got him to the point that he doesn't verbalize or show affection because you are so distant to him. He doesn't want to say "I love you" or hug you because you will likely reject him for it. Men do not like rejection, so he wrote it on the card instead. What's so hard to understand about that?

I agree your actions show your resentment to him, and your resentment is also clouding your own judgement. He's trying and you're being very unfair. I disagree he won't let you go. There's nothing stopping you from filing for divorce and forcing it on him, especially if you are as emotionally and physically removed from the marriage as you suggest. Forgive me, but it sounds like you've got the knife in him and enjoy twisting it.


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## team12 (Apr 16, 2011)

Hi snowstorm,
It's hard for me to know how to respond to your post since I'm the one in my spouses and I relationship who doesn't want to let go, and also the one who is reading self help books. I wouldn't give the earrings back. I know you don't want to delve into the whole story so, maybe you've already attempted counseling? Sometimes going isn't solely to keep a marriage together, sometimes it also helps the other spouse to let go. Good luck on whatever you decide. I can relate to feeling frustrated with your marriage and I wish you the best during these difficult times.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Snowstorm, I don't ever see you two having a happy relationship as far as a man and wife go..There is too much negative history in your mind to just 'turn it around'..Three years is a lot of time to harbor resentment..WHY DON'T YOU REALLY WANT TO LEAVE?..is it the unknown?..the kids?..lack of finances?..insecurity?...those are legitimate reasons to continue in an unhappy relationship..he is not going to change I can tell you that..at least not in the way you need him to change..he might not even change if you do leave but for surely he won't as long as you are together..people hit a rut in their marriages and usually it is too late to do anything about it once a spouse reaches the point of indifference..so either live unhappily (if you truly are) or live with him and ALL his faults because I'm sure you have just as many to him as he does to you.


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## snowstorm (Nov 3, 2010)

Big toe: You are right. I have checked out. But I suppose there is always that glimmer of hope when you have kids...that it can be rescued. I didn't break him in the ways of affection or love. I realize I didn't delve into our past...but that was one of the big issues. He can't/won't show affection. Being affectionate is a sign of weakness to him. He said so. We have always been great friends, companions...because we were so different. Sharing our differences were wonderful...but added to dividing our home. We eventually began doing other things without one another b/c we didn't enjoy being opposite anymore. I have learned that close friendship and companionship isn't enough to sustain marriage. Intimacy has to be present. Small things began adding up...he never touched me, kissed me, held me after the birth of our first child...within the entire hospital stay...even when we returned home. He kissed me once on our wedding. That was at the alter. He has never held my hand. The kids were born and he held them as a priority in our marriage. The kids were first. His job second. His hobby third. His wife...last. I have not rejected his love but he has withheld it from me. I am the one that has been rejected. Yes, I did say not to say "I love you" anymore during the heat of an arguement. Who doesn't verbalize crazy things when they, themselves are being put down. Although if it meant saving your marriage, I believe I would still say those words and mean them...regardless. I would make my heart known. My resentment does still linger. Because he says he is trying and he says he has changed...but I don't see it. I don't feel it. Emotionally we are just not there. I see it differently. I see him with the knife twisting it with me. He knows I want the divorce...but he makes it impossible for me to leave w/o feeling like a monster. How do you leave when someone says they are giving it all they have, but it's too late? Why the earrings now? He knows how I feel, but he continues. 
Team 12: We did try counseling the first year. He refused to believe that our marriage (me) should come before his kids. He said so. I will keep the earrings...I will keep them for my daughter someday. I wouldn't feel right wearing them. Team 12 this is has been the worst thing that I have been through. And I am sure for you as well. It feels similiar to a death. I never wanted this for my girls. 
My two girls: Those are all my reasons for staying...everyone of them. After leaving my career to be a SAHM six years ago(which he did not support), I went back to work. Now I am embarking on a new career in the health field, so I will be working and going back to school. Things are looking up but getting tougher. Everything you said is very very true. I just have muster up the courage to break everyones heart. Our living arrangement is very hard on my girls. They don't understand marriage and what it's suppose to be like. They see two parents that don't touch and sleep in seperate rooms. Either way I go, I am going hurt them.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

snowstorm said:


> Big toe: You are right. I have checked out. But I suppose there is always that glimmer of hope when you have kids...that it can be rescued. I didn't break him in the ways of affection or love. I realize I didn't delve into our past...but that was one of the big issues. He can't/won't show affection. Being affectionate is a sign of weakness to him. He said so. We have always been great friends, companions...because we were so different. Sharing our differences were wonderful...but added to dividing our home. We eventually began doing other things without one another b/c we didn't enjoy being opposite anymore. I have learned that close friendship and companionship isn't enough to sustain marriage. Intimacy has to be present. Small things began adding up...he never touched me, kissed me, held me after the birth of our first child...within the entire hospital stay...even when we returned home. He kissed me once on our wedding. That was at the alter. He has never held my hand. The kids were born and he held them as a priority in our marriage. The kids were first. His job second. His hobby third. His wife...last. I have not rejected his love but he has withheld it from me. I am the one that has been rejected. Yes, I did say not to say "I love you" anymore during the heat of an arguement. Who doesn't verbalize crazy things when they, themselves are being put down. Although if it meant saving your marriage, I believe I would still say those words and mean them...regardless. I would make my heart known. My resentment does still linger. Because he says he is trying and he says he has changed...but I don't see it. I don't feel it. Emotionally we are just not there. I see it differently. I see him with the knife twisting it with me. He knows I want the divorce...but he makes it impossible for me to leave w/o feeling like a monster. How do you leave when someone says they are giving it all they have, but it's too late? Why the earrings now? He knows how I feel, but he continues.
> Team 12: We did try counseling the first year. He refused to believe that our marriage (me) should come before his kids. He said so. I will keep the earrings...I will keep them for my daughter someday. I wouldn't feel right wearing them. Team 12 this is has been the worst thing that I have been through. And I am sure for you as well. It feels similiar to a death. I never wanted this for my girls.
> My two girls: Those are all my reasons for staying...everyone of them. After leaving my career to be a SAHM six years ago(which he did not support), I went back to work. Now I am embarking on a new career in the health field, so I will be working and going back to school. Things are looking up but getting tougher. Everything you said is very very true. I just have muster up the courage to break everyones heart. Our living arrangement is very hard on my girls. They don't understand marriage and what it's suppose to be like. They see two parents that don't touch and sleep in seperate rooms. Either way I go, I am going hurt them.


"...break everyone's heart." You must brace yourself for the pain, anger, and resentment that will be coming from all directions at you, get your mind and emotions prepared. Difficult situations will be coming at you from all sides - JUST DO IT! It is the only way you will let go of bad feelings and it is the only way you will be able to truly see what it is you want and give yourself (and him) a chance to be happy. Even if you were to eventually reconcile with your H (or not), you must make a drastic change at this point. Your relationships might do better with a shake up.

Just my opinion but it is what it looks like from reading your posts. I usually don't opine in that direction.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Snowstorm I will probably forgive my ex someday for splitting up our family..you seem to have decided that it would be better your kids NOT see how a marriage would be in your case but instead split apart and maybe see a mom who is happier and a dad who will take a lot of time to become happy again..one of the scenarios that arises out of split families is the risk that a parent or both will use their children against the other which could lead to emotional problems down the road as they age..but that is the risk one takes when making this life changing decision..good luck in what ever you decide.


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