# Reconciliation-pro and con.



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

In order to not appear to be un-supportive of those who are attempting to reconcile their marriages after adultery. I have decided to start a thread where everyone can come to discus all aspects of R. This thread is for BOTH those who chose to R or those who chose NOT to R. I welcome the opinions of all posters, and think that free discussion of this question has a great deal of value to those who are un-decided.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

I did not reconcile. I divorced my wife, but attempted reconciliation at a later date. It was not successful.
I have come to the conclusion that those marriage where the "spark" of initial love has somehow been rekindled, have the greatest chance to succeed. I was not able to do this, however, my ex-wife was. She told me recently that she is more in love with me now, than before we were married.......go figure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> I did not reconcile. I divorced my wife, but attempted reconciliation at a later date. It was not successful.
> I have come to the conclusion that those marriage where the "spark" of initial love has somehow been rekindled, have the greatest chance to succeed. I was not able to do this, however, my ex-wife was. She told me recently that she is more in love with me now, than before we were married.......go figure.


That's a sad story Rookie. But there's always the risk that she could do it again. I would imagine your thinking might be: "If she can do that to me, the love of her life, she could well do it again. And I can't risk letting her hurt me again."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I attempted to R, but she squandered the opportunity. She would tell me how much she loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. Then go hook up with one of her many other men. 

She didn't love any of them. But she couldn't stop. I don't even think it was about the sex, we had plenty of that. It was her need to feel wanted, she craved praise and would do anything to receive it.

She caused me so much pain, and to this day I don't think she understands that. She has this fantasy that time will pass as we will get back together.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Acoa said:


> I attempted to R, but she squandered the opportunity. She would tell me how much she loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. Then go hook up with one of her many other men.
> 
> She didn't love any of them. But she couldn't stop. I don't even think it was about the sex, we had plenty of that. *It was her need to feel wanted, she craved praise and would do anything to receive it.*
> 
> She caused me so much pain, and to this day I don't think she understands that. She has this fantasy that time will pass as we will get back together.


Daddy issues...?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Cons, the humiliation, anger, disgust of betrayal and trust issues i could go on, Pros we still get on well enough to live together, kids happy we are both here, not having to find money for another property and find money for child support, her bending over backwards to keep me happy and other things to keep me here


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I reconciled...it's been over two years. So far I'm glad I did.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Acoa said:


> She didn't love any of them.* But she couldn't stop. I don't even think it was about the sex,* we had plenty of that. It was her need to feel wanted, she craved praise and would do anything to receive it.


When caught, they all say... "It was never about the Sex".

My wife looked straight at me and said that. I countered, you did drive to a Hotel in secret to meet an old BF from college. Did you really think that Sex was not a possibility?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I did not have the opportunity to reconcile with my ex wife. At the time I would have sold my soul to have that opportunity.

Now, after the passage of many years and the benefit of hindsight, I realize that I dodged a bullet. And that is an understatement. 

Some folks are able to reconcile ... more power to them.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I am not a big fan of reconciliation. 

Too many skeletons, too much walking on eggshells, too many triggers. Some here said that it is like turning the page and going out with someone new. However, then what do you do ? Do you still celebrate your old anniversary date ? Do you forget it like it's not there. To me, it is like walking around on crutches (sorry to those who have had successful ones and I am happy for you).

If I am starting, I want it to be with someone who is new. yes, much work will have to be done.I get it. 

The positives in R is that in some areas, you will not have to rebuild. And you largely know what you have.

Overall, I am against R


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

News Flash, Amp comes out pro. 

Kids: While they knew there were big issues in the marriage they didn't see huge conflict between us. Odd thing was, after D-Day, the the arguments and verbal insults stopped as we began to communicate.

$: I did not commit financial suicide at age 50. We are stable and beginning to eye retirement.

Communication and Empathy: We developed both to a level higher than we had previously experienced.

Sex: better than it had been in years.

Physical Touch: She finally gets how important it is to me.

Quality Time: I finally get how important it is to her.

I have no regrets about R. It was the right choice.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> News Flash, Amp comes out pro.
> 
> Kids: While the knew there were big issues in the marriage they didn't see huge conflict between us. Odd thing was, after D-Day, the the arguments and verbal insults stopped as we began to communicate.
> 
> ...


Ditto to all above


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## Eleftherios (Aug 15, 2013)

Pros:

Two parent home.
The wayward treating you as you should have been from the start.
A normal looking family.
Crazy monkey sex.
Best weight loss system known to humankind.

Cons:

Feeling like crap.
Always second guessing.
Obsessing over dumb things.
Anger, humiliation, sadness, So on and so on...
Knowing your life is forever changed by the person you love.

There's more but I'm sure most get the gist of it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Amplexor said:


> News Flash, Amp comes out pro.
> 
> Kids: While the knew there were big issues in the marriage they didn't see huge conflict between us. Odd thing was, after D-Day, the the arguments and verbal insults stopped as we began to communicate.
> 
> ...


 I wish not to be a detractor of a good story's ending, but most fare far worse than you sir. If most waywards at least provided a level playing field as you detailed you wife as doing, by staying for the kids, then perhaps most or more marriages would or could be saved.

I also agree that R was the best choice for me, despite the outcome. As athletes like to say, better to retire one year too late than one year too early. And even though this experience will end in failure, I do have a lot to take from it going forward, perhaps I should be thankful for that in someway.

But for now, and despite my previous paragraph's sentiment about the lack of regret at attempting an R, if I could do it all over again knowing then what I know now, no, I wouldn't go thru with it as the end result would still be the same, regardless of what different choices I made thereafter.....


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Daddy issues...?


In a big way. Heck, one of her OM could have been her daddy. He was 63 and she was 42 when she selpt with him.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Divorcecare, has an interesting take on reconciliation around the holidays.

Their spin is very religious, which I appreciate but some may not, so be warned.

Reconciliation: Be Careful on Vimeo

Basic premise of the video is don't reconcile over the holidays. There is too much hope and other emotions that are connected to the holiday, and not the relationship which might make it seem like the right thing to do. But that what really matters is the underlying problem and making sure it was addressed and resolved. Wanting to reconcile is a far cry from being able to.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Pro's

Family unit healed.
Sex wasnt bad.
Financial combination would be beneficial
Life lesson for kids.












Con's

She cheated.Hasnt dealt with it. Wont admit it.
Still have to deal with alcoholic MOTHER IN LAW.
Wife is selfish
Wife works too much
Wife still hasnt addressed her core issue.
Too much built up resentment over not meeting needs.
Too much built up resentment over not giving us a chance.
Too controlling just like her passive agressive MOTHER.
Wife is a violent drunk
Physical/Mental/Emotional abuse
Plan B mentality
inability to work as a team on projects. 
Ex MUST be the center of the ring.

HER MOTHER.

I dont know her anymore.
If she did it once she will do it again.
Still no actual apology that wasnt lip service.
I get along just fine without her.
She's still overly involved with her mother and will always choose her over me.
My Girlfriend who treats me better when she is mad than ex did when she was happy.
NEw life has been great.
Not in favor of giving up freedoms
No more chanting "Ex is always right"...
Too prideful. She wont want to explain it to anyone and fears it will make her look weak.

Will have to take care of HER MOTHER until she passes.



Conclusion:

I would rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass...than spend one more minute with her.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Ok here is a take on why I didn't reconcile. Aside from the obvious trust issues, I'm going to put this how it was for me and think those that do reconcile aren't seeing it the way I saw it.

I can remember in the short month I really tried, mainly for the kids sake, we'd be sitting at the dinner table. I'd look at my sweet little boys faces munching down, thinking to myself, "I have to do this for them, I have to."

Then I look at her and all I could see was another man's d!ck sliding in and out of her and her sucking him off.

No thanks. I knew that I'd always see her that way, and a miserable father was going to do my kids no good.

So the mind movies were enough for me, on top the fact I'd never trust her again. I just have to wonder just how much those that reconciled, while respecting their decisions and wish the best for them, visualized it like I did.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

My husband and I are currently reconciling our marriage, and so far, so good. The reasons we are doing this are:

1. We still love each other, very much, despite our indiscretions. We both cheated, him emotionally, myself physically. 

2. Our children need us both. 

3. We are helping each other get through this together. 

When he found out about mine, we both sat down one night and hashed it out. We came clean about EVERYTHING, even the tiniest detail so there was no way possible for either of us to find something else out later on. We stopped lying. This alone has made our household more enjoyable to be in. Our kids are playing together better, we are laughing again, etc. It's taking a lot of work, but in my opinion it will be worth it.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

I couldn't R (no kids, no way, keep the house b*tch) and absolutely advise against it for all the reasons listed already. Also factor in that it is accepted around here that it takes 3-5 years to starting getting somewhere resembling normal. *IF* you can.

Poster "bff" found a better spouse and has started a family, all before the 3 year mark if we go by the timestamps.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Opted for R, and once she actually committed to the R, it went well.

Then she had a full hysterectomy, which drove her hormones into the dirt, and we've circled right back around to no affection or engagement from her. The surgery was 2 years ago. It's only in the past month that she's put on a show of acting affectionate, but it feels hollow...like a case of too little, too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Acoa said:


> I attempted to R, but she squandered the opportunity. She would tell me how much she loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. Then go hook up with one of her many other men.
> 
> She didn't love any of them. But she couldn't stop. I don't even think it was about the sex, we had plenty of that. It was her need to feel wanted, she craved praise and would do anything to receive it.
> 
> She caused me so much pain, and to this day I don't think she understands that. She has this fantasy that time will pass as we will get back together.


Funny how they can rationalize that.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Ok here is a take on why I didn't reconcile. Aside from the obvious trust issues, I'm going to put this how it was for me and think those that do reconcile aren't seeing it the way I saw it.
> 
> I can remember in the short month I really tried, mainly for the kids sake, we'd be sitting at the dinner table. I'd look at my sweet little boys faces munching down, thinking to myself, "I have to do this for them, I have to."
> 
> ...


sorry it happened to you, Vellocet. I agree with you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

vellocet said:


> I can remember in the short month I really tried, mainly for the kids sake, we'd be sitting at the dinner table. I'd look at my sweet little boys faces munching down, thinking to myself, "I have to do this for them, I have to."
> 
> _Then I look at her and all I could see was another man's d!ck sliding in and out of her and her sucking him off._
> 
> No thanks. I knew that I'd always see her that way...


V,

No argument. All of "us" that R have to "deal" with this reality. 5+ years out..., R is pretty good, but you are spot on, the image can never be totally forgotten.

Sad.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Ripper said:


> I couldn't R (no kids, no way, keep the house b*tch) and absolutely advise against it for all the reasons listed already. Also factor in that it is accepted around here that it takes 3-5 years to starting getting somewhere resembling normal. *IF* you can.
> 
> Poster "bff" found a better spouse and has started a family, all before the 3 year mark if we go by the timestamps.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51949-wife-best-friend-having-least-ea.html


just read it what a horrible story. Shatters the theory of trust to a large degree


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

RWB said:


> When caught, they all say... "It was never about the sex"


No not all. 

My wife told me it WAS all about the sex. Not the act it self but the the ego gratification that came with it.

-------

The reasons we reconciled are as complicated as the reasons my WW cheated.

I was always one of the ones who said that cheating world be a deal breaker it, never even occurred to me that someone would R when their spouse cheated on them. All the guys I knew whose wives had cheated on them, divorced them.

The main question for me was: who was the real person, the wife who cheated on me or the wife I have now and the wife I married? 

I truly believe that the wife I have now is the real person and the one that cheated was someone she really wasn't. Lots of backstory and extuenting circumstances. We've been married for 35 years and I was a functional alcoholic for most of that time. No reason for her to cheat, but she forgave me for all the crap I put her through and gave me a second chance, so I felt like she deserved the same chance. I hurt her a lot and she hurt me a lot over the last 3 and a 1/2 decades, but the main reason I'm still with her is I love her and I'm 100% sure she loves me. I don't recommend R to everyone, I just think it should be an option. It won't work for a lot of people, maybe even most people and it's definitely not easy. In fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and I spent time in three war zones. It's been over two years now and I would give it a 95% chance of success but only time will tell I guess. 

I'm glad I did it, but I won't do it again.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Many folks have it backwards, as indicated in post that suggest saving the marriage (reconciliation) can only begin when the affair partner is out of the picture and the BS should do everything to make that happen. All successful reconciliations have the key ingredient of the WS genuinely (emphasis added) wanting to stay in the marriage. Hence, causing the WS to agree to reconciliation because they have nowhere else to go is more than likely going to fail.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Many folks have it backwards, as indicated in post that suggest saving the marriage (reconciliation) can only begin when the affair partner is out of the picture and the BS should do everything to make that happen. All successful reconciliations have the key ingredient of the WS genuinely (emphasis added) wanting to stay in the marriage. Hence, causing the WS to agree to reconciliation because they have nowhere else to go is more than likely going to fail.


Thanks for posting that. Gives me hope for our R since he saw the true love stand up when I threw him a life line and he chose me over her and cut her out on his own. Later I made sure she stayed away. But that initial choice was his.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's a sad story Rookie. But there's always the risk that she could do it again. I would imagine your thinking might be: "If she can do that to me, the love of her life, she could well do it again. And I can't risk letting her hurt me again."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, Matt the main emotion I had was huge resentment. I didn't deserve this , even if I had not been the husband I could have been.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Daddy issues...?


Good point, Gus.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> News Flash, Amp comes out pro.
> 
> Kids: While the knew there were big issues in the marriage they didn't see huge conflict between us. Odd thing was, after D-Day, the the arguments and verbal insults stopped as we began to communicate.
> 
> ...


But don't you think that you are one of the lucky few, for whoom R actually solves anything? In far too many posts we hear all about how the BS has to settle for less. You seem to have avoided that.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Ok here is a take on why I didn't reconcile. Aside from the obvious trust issues, I'm going to put this how it was for me and think those that do reconcile aren't seeing it the way I saw it.
> 
> I can remember in the short month I really tried, mainly for the kids sake, we'd be sitting at the dinner table. I'd look at my sweet little boys faces munching down, thinking to myself, "I have to do this for them, I have to."
> 
> ...


The mind movies bothered me, until I actually met the little putz that my wife f*cked, and saw what a loser he was. From then on, it was more of a huge disappointment that she would have spread 'em for such a clown . So I lost a ton of respect for her even then. That was also when I realized that her affair was more about punishing me, than it was about her getting laid. She was so angry she would have f*cked the milk man to get even with me for my "supposed" faults.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

HarryDoyle said:


> No not all.
> 
> My wife told me it WAS all about the sex. *Not the act it self but the the ego gratification that came with it.*
> 
> ...


My point exactly...

As MORI said here many years ago... _"Sex is the Currency of the Affair"_

2nd the "Never Again".


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Rookie4 said:


> But don't you think that you are one of the lucky few, for whoom R actually solves anything? In far too many posts we hear all about how the BS has to settle for less. You seem to have avoided that.


Fortunate would be a better word than lucky. We have always considered our recovery to be something many marriages would not have achieved given the circumstances. At the time of D-Day, there really wasn't much of a relationship left between us. We co-parented and co-managed the finances well enough but the rest was gone. She was a WAW in a deep EA heading towards a PA.

There was no sex, affection, communication, empathy.... It got even worse after D-Day, we pretty much burned down the church. Rebuilding all the pieces and parts took years and a lot of it was very painful for us both. But when we were done, fully recovered there was a great sense of pride in what we had done. Neither of use feels we settled for less, it is just the opposite. We hold even more respect for each other knowing that what we did was something special.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

wmn1 said:


> sorry it happened to you, Vellocet. I agree with you.


Ya, it happened. But it will never happen again. That I can guarantee.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it's a big old caveat emptor

was worth it in my case but I truly understand why it doesn't work a lot of the time

you need a truly remorseful (thru actions) WS and a BS that can work towards forgiveness 
and both must work on communication and the marriage and ensure that their partner's needs are met (but that is something every couple needs to do)


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## Bubbles 2 (Dec 23, 2014)

my husband and I have been through a lot in 28 years.
He has had a couple affairs, and I have always forgiven him. He has been faithful for 9 years now, but has a "friend" he chats with every night on a game online. He says they are just friends, but it is tearing me apart, and has brought out all of the old demons.


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## Bubbles 2 (Dec 23, 2014)

Good for you for being able to sort out your problems. Marriage is hard work and a daily struggle. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chaos said:


> Do they still exist? I thought milk men went the way of the 8 track cartridge - relegated as wax figures in some obscure museums.



wait what?! THEN WHO WAS THAT GUY IN MY BEDROOM LAST WEEK DELIVERING CREAM?!!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> wait what?! THEN WHO WAS THAT GUY IN MY BEDROOM LAST WEEK DELIVERING CREAM?!!


The ice cream man? :scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm pro R cuz it worked for me, Amp, BL, Matt, RWB, and others.

I'm con R cuz it didn't work for OP, Acoa, Eleftheios, and others.

Then there's commonsenseisnt and others that didn't even get a chance!

IDK but one can't really be for or against R.....At the end of the day R will work, R won't work, and in some cases the poor loyal spouse doesn't have a phucking chance cuz the wayward is so screwed up only to come back and pull the knife out of the loyals back and think all would be good.
In the same breath the wayward recommits but it's a deal breaker for the loyal spouse.

In short how can one be pro or con when it comes to someone else's individual choice to keep their wayward or not...I guess all we can do is share our perspectives and experiences in what worked for us and what didn't.

It will always be up to the newbie to decide to R or D after we brain phuck them to death with all our different thoughts on their issue.LOL


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Ya, it happened. But it will never happen again. That I can guarantee.


How can you guarantee?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wazza said:


> How can you guarantee?


If I'm reading Vel's posts correctly, what he'd intended to communicate is one (or both) of the following...

* As he is determined to never marry again, he'll never again be in a position -- whether unknowingly or otherwise -- to suffer the indignity of an adulterous spouse.

* He will never again choose to reconcile in the face of a wayward girlfriend's/SO's infidelity.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

For me, if it were only about pros and cons then I could at least make a decision based on those, but so far no luck, still in limbo land....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@Gus.

You mentioned the word 'indignity"....I wonder if that seperates me from all the rest. I mean the only indignity I felt was for my old lady.

She banged some real low life ugly POS's. Mrs. the-guy was the one that phucked up when it came to cheating. Hell, her and the OM's were doing one of the things that are in the top ten do not do list..

I'm sure if my case was one of one single OM and my old lady bailed on me for that particular OM, then ya I for sure would feel like the OM was better....

Again that wasn't my case...my old lady banged everyone.. I figure she couldn't find anyone better the me...and believe me it sure looks like she tried.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Wazza said:


> How can you guarantee?


By never making a commitment ever again. Can't get cheated on if I don't have a steady


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vellocet said:


> By never making a commitment ever again. Can't get cheated on if I don't have a steady


Agree 100% actually.

Whether it is worth it is a personal decision.


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## Eleftherios (Aug 15, 2013)

vellocet said:


> By never making a commitment ever again. Can't get cheated on if I don't have a steady


And there's always the escort section on backpage.

Paying them to leave 

It's a joke although it may be in bad taste.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Agree 100% actually.
> 
> *Whether it is worth it is a personal decision*.


Oh it be worth it


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

the guy said:


> I'm pro R cuz it worked for me, Amp, BL, Matt, RWB, and others.
> 
> I'm con R cuz it didn't work for OP, Acoa, Eleftheios, and others.
> 
> ...



So true


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I regret not filing. Worst mistake of my life next to marrying him. Three years later and he totally disgusts me. Twenty years of marriage a total complete lie. I don't trust him, I think he's a sneaky jerk who didn't appreciate me and robbed me of years of memories. Every picture in this house (not home) is a LIE. The holidays have been miserable for me. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. They never tell the complete truth. NEVER.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

hurtingbadly said:


> I regret not filing. Worst mistake of my life next to marrying him. Three years later and he totally disgusts me. Twenty years of marriage a total complete lie. I don't trust him, I think he's a sneaky jerk who didn't appreciate me and robbed me of years of memories. Every picture in this house (not home) is a LIE. The holidays have been miserable for me. It doesn't get better, it gets worse. They never tell the complete truth. NEVER.


File next week!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> File next week!


Heck yeah!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Oh it be worth it


Hope it works out well for you.


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