# How to tell my husband about my past



## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of those 5 years. I haven?t been completely honest with him about my pass. About 7 or 8 years ago, when I was 20, I was pretty desperate for money. I owed $3500 for tuition for the upcoming semester. My parents had already given me most of what they had saved up and didn't have much to give in the first place. I didn't have anything of value that was worth selling and at the time I only had a part time job it barely paid my rent and living expenses. A friend of mine mentioned that she and her sister made pretty good money working as a stripper and that if I was really desperate, which at the time I was said, that she would introduce me to her boss. The start of the semester was less than two months away and so I met with her. She told me I could make $1,000 easily in a few nights. My friend was right, I made really good money and I continued doing it on and off through college. During my junior year in college, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, so my father and mother both went back to my home country for treatment. My father?s medical treatment was very expensive. They never told me, but I knew they couldn?t afford it. So I stared to help them by sending them money weekly for his treatment. I started stripping again to help them. Stripping was barely covering all my new expense. One of the girls I was working with told me she started working as a webcam model. She told me she was making twice as much as webcam model and it was less time consuming. She helped set me up with one of the sites and account and a camera. It really was the worst time of my life. All of the guys were straight creeps creepy they would say degrading and nasty things to me, and I'd have to pretend I loved it, it was nothing like stripping. Thankfully, I made the money I needed to help my parents and to pay off my tuition, I shut my account and put it all behind me. 


It was just a job to me, I never did anything "extra" and never used drugs. I think I was lucky in the sense that it wasn't an awful experience besides the web coming, but it's definitely something I knew I would do short-term. On one hand, it helped make me the success I am today because I graduated debt free and with a good GPA. I'm not really that ashamed of it because it was what I needed to do, but I understand the stigma and it's challenging not to respond emotionally if someone you know is involved. I?ve only told 3 friends back when I did it. It is so far behind me that I feel like it's no longer relevant anymore. I planned to never tell anyone, including my husband. Recently, one of the friends who I have told is staring to blackmailing me. She is threatening to tell my husband if I don?t give her the amount of money she asking. Part me wants to just pay her and hopefully she would leave me alone, but I know if I pay her now she can and probably will threaten to do it again. But I?m scared to tell my husband, I have no idea how he would respond. I don?t want to ruin the life I?ve built with him. He?s everything I ever wanted in a partner. I?m torn between paying my friend and telling my husband, I don?t know what to do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of those 5 years. I haven?t been completely honest with him about my pass. About 7 or 8 years ago, when I was 20, I was pretty desperate for money. I owed $3500 for tuition for the upcoming semester. My parents had already given me most of what they had saved up and didn't have much to give in the first place. I didn't have anything of value that was worth selling and at the time I only had a part time job it barely paid my rent and living expenses. A friend of mine mentioned that she and her sister made pretty good money working as a stripper and that if I was really desperate, which at the time I was said, that she would introduce me to her boss. The start of the semester was less than two months away and so I met with her. She told me I could make $1,000 easily in a few nights. My friend was right, I made really good money and I continued doing it on and off through college. During my junior year in college, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, so my father and mother both went back to my home country for treatment. My father?s medical treatment was very expensive. They never told me, but I knew they couldn?t afford it. So I stared to help them by sending them money weekly for his treatment. I started stripping again to help them. Stripping was barely covering all my new expense. One of the girls I was working with told me she started working as a webcam model. She told me she was making twice as much as webcam model and it was less time consuming. She helped set me up with one of the sites and account and a camera. It really was the worst time of my life. All of the guys were straight creeps creepy they would say degrading and nasty things to me, and I'd have to pretend I loved it, it was nothing like stripping. Thankfully, I made the money I needed to help my parents and to pay off my tuition, I shut my account and put it all behind me.
> 
> 
> It was just a job to me, I never did anything "extra" and never used drugs. I think I was lucky in the sense that it wasn't an awful experience besides the web coming, but it's definitely something I knew I would do short-term. On one hand, it helped make me the success I am today because I graduated debt free and with a good GPA. I'm not really that ashamed of it because it was what I needed to do, but I understand the stigma and it's challenging not to respond emotionally if someone you know is involved. I?ve only told 3 friends back when I did it. It is so far behind me that I feel like it's no longer relevant anymore. I planned to never tell anyone, including my husband. Recently, one of the friends who I have told is staring to blackmailing me. She is threatening to tell my husband if I don?t give her the amount of money she asking. Part me wants to just pay her and hopefully she would leave me alone, but I know if I pay her now she can and probably will threaten to do it again. But I?m scared to tell my husband, I have no idea how he would respond. I don?t want to ruin the life I?ve built with him. He?s everything I ever wanted in a partner. I?m torn between paying my friend and telling my husband, I don?t know what to do.


Do not pay your friend a cent.Go to the cops and report her,they are well used to dealing with this crap and a visit from them should shut her up.You may also consider having a lawyer send her a letter spelling out what will happen if she pulls this stunt again.
As to your husband,your biggest problem is if any of your webcam videos are on the net or even utube.If he or one of his family came across them he may feel betrayed.You were not a prostitute,you were doing what was necessary at the time and you should not beat yourself up over this.
If it were me,I would want to know and it wouldn't bother me too much to be honest but that is only my opinion.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Spring_Green said:


> My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of those 5 years. I haven?t been completely honest with him about my pass. About 7 or 8 years ago, when I was 20, I was pretty desperate for money. I owed $3500 for tuition for the upcoming semester. My parents had already given me most of what they had saved up and didn't have much to give in the first place. I didn't have anything of value that was worth selling and at the time I only had a part time job it barely paid my rent and living expenses. A friend of mine mentioned that she and her sister made pretty good money working as a stripper and that if I was really desperate, which at the time I was said, that she would introduce me to her boss. The start of the semester was less than two months away and so I met with her. She told me I could make $1,000 easily in a few nights. My friend was right, I made really good money and I continued doing it on and off through college. During my junior year in college, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, so my father and mother both went back to my home country for treatment. My father?s medical treatment was very expensive. They never told me, but I knew they couldn?t afford it. So I stared to help them by sending them money weekly for his treatment. I started stripping again to help them. Stripping was barely covering all my new expense. One of the girls I was working with told me she started working as a webcam model. She told me she was making twice as much as webcam model and it was less time consuming. She helped set me up with one of the sites and account and a camera. It really was the worst time of my life. All of the guys were straight creeps creepy they would say degrading and nasty things to me, and I'd have to pretend I loved it, it was nothing like stripping. Thankfully, I made the money I needed to help my parents and to pay off my tuition, I shut my account and put it all behind me.
> 
> 
> It was just a job to me, I never did anything "extra" and never used drugs. I think I was lucky in the sense that it wasn't an awful experience besides the web coming, but it's definitely something I knew I would do short-term. On one hand, it helped make me the success I am today because I graduated debt free and with a good GPA. I'm not really that ashamed of it because it was what I needed to do, but I understand the stigma and it's challenging not to respond emotionally if someone you know is involved. I?ve only told 3 friends back when I did it. It is so far behind me that I feel like it's no longer relevant anymore. I planned to never tell anyone, including my husband. Recently, one of the friends who I have told is staring to blackmailing me. She is threatening to tell my husband if I don?t give her the amount of money she asking. Part me wants to just pay her and hopefully she would leave me alone, but I know if I pay her now she can and probably will threaten to do it again. But I?m scared to tell my husband, I have no idea how he would respond. I don?t want to ruin the life I?ve built with him. He?s everything I ever wanted in a partner. I?m torn between paying my friend and telling my husband, I don?t know what to do.


First thing is first. What your "friend" is doing is criminal and she can be charged with extortion or whatever they call it in your state. You should go to the police and have him/her arrested. 

I think you need to trust your husband and just tell him. I think you say what you said here and make sure to emphasis that this is so far behind you it doesn't feel relevant. 

Unless he is devot religious and will crush him like that I doubt much to worry about . And if he is the. you should have told him in the first place. 

Just trust him


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Go to the cops. Don't give her a cent. Please tell your husband. Hopefully he will understand. If not, what can you do. People have to do what they gave to in order to survive. It was not illegal. 

However like Andy said if there are videos out there your H needs to know. 

I wish you the best of luck. Take care.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You definitely have to get out ahead of this thing with your husband. Irreparable damage is far more likely if he finds out through other means than direct from you, even if it is late. 

Be prepared for damaged ego, jealousy, and even anger. But if he loves you, that will all pass. If I was to find out my wife had done this, I would be surprised at first, but my instinct would be to reassure her she's in a safe place now and that anything that happened before we met was then--this is now. However, all men are different with regard to things like this. It would help if we knew something about his morals/upbringing/relative level of willingness to forgive/level of commitment to you and your marriage/is he squeaky clean himself?. There's rarely any good "how" to do this, but you need to let him know you are the same woman he fell in love with, not the woman from before he met you. We all need the opportunity to evolve and move forward. You should be commended for doing so. 

And blackmail is a crime. Gather evidence and report. But again, make sure hubby knows beforehand so he finds out the right way.

Oh, and hopefully he won't think he needs to catch up by making you do that for him. It's a common response, but he should be aware/caring enough to not want to put you back in that place.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Never, and I mean NEVER resort to paying an extortionist.

I would ask to meet with your POS former friend so you can look her in the eye. Just somewhere public and quick, like McDonalds, cause it's gonna be very brief. Don't sit down. Let her know you are _very concerned about her mental and moral state_. Tell her you have told your husband, and that he advised you that what she is doing is illegal, and that he wants you to call the cops. That will do two things:

1.) She will never, ever talk to your husband again.
2.) You will have gained the upper hand and you will get to enjoy watching her beg you not to report her.

Next, I would search everything you can think of online to see if you can find yourself in any videos or YouTube. If you do, then time to tell hubby everything. If you don't, then it is really up to you. Personally I would tell him just to not have secrets like that between you, but now that you have been together so long, I can see why you would choose to just leave the past in the past.

I wish you the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that going to the police is a good idea. But first you need to her a recording of her blackmailing you. 

Is your state a two party or a single party state when it comes to recording conversations? If you would share which state you live in, I can look that up. 

You can probably record her using your cell phone if you are talking to her on the phone. Some cell phones can also be used to record in-person conversations. You could also get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it on your person. Then talk to her and get her to threaten you again. 

You can then go to the police; the recording is your evidence of her attempted blackmail. Without a recording, it would be hard to prove that she tried to blackmail you. She can just deny it to the police and they will have nothing to go on.

Of course, you could just tell your husband. And then tell her that you did that. But without that recording, you have nothing to keep her from going to your husband and even telling him made up stuff.

And I think you need to get new friends.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of those 5 years. I haven?t been completely honest with him about my pass. About 7 or 8 years ago, when I was 20, I was pretty desperate for money. I owed $3500 for tuition for the upcoming semester. My parents had already given me most of what they had saved up and didn't have much to give in the first place. I didn't have anything of value that was worth selling and at the time I only had a part time job it barely paid my rent and living expenses. A friend of mine mentioned that she and her sister made pretty good money working as a stripper and that if I was really desperate, which at the time I was said, that she would introduce me to her boss. The start of the semester was less than two months away and so I met with her. She told me I could make $1,000 easily in a few nights. My friend was right, I made really good money and I continued doing it on and off through college. During my junior year in college, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, so my father and mother both went back to my home country for treatment. My father?s medical treatment was very expensive. They never told me, but I knew they couldn?t afford it. So I stared to help them by sending them money weekly for his treatment. I started stripping again to help them. Stripping was barely covering all my new expense. One of the girls I was working with told me she started working as a webcam model. She told me she was making twice as much as webcam model and it was less time consuming. She helped set me up with one of the sites and account and a camera. It really was the worst time of my life. All of the guys were straight creeps creepy they would say degrading and nasty things to me, and I'd have to pretend I loved it, it was nothing like stripping. Thankfully, I made the money I needed to help my parents and to pay off my tuition, I shut my account and put it all behind me.
> 
> 
> It was just a job to me, I never did anything "extra" and never used drugs. I think I was lucky in the sense that it wasn't an awful experience besides the web coming, but it's definitely something I knew I would do short-term. On one hand, it helped make me the success I am today because I graduated debt free and with a good GPA. I'm not really that ashamed of it because it was what I needed to do, but I understand the stigma and it's challenging not to respond emotionally if someone you know is involved. I?ve only told 3 friends back when I did it. It is so far behind me that I feel like it's no longer relevant anymore. I planned to never tell anyone, including my husband. Recently, one of the friends who I have told is staring to blackmailing me. She is threatening to tell my husband if I don?t give her the amount of money she asking. Part me wants to just pay her and hopefully she would leave me alone, but I know if I pay her now she can and probably will threaten to do it again. But I?m scared to tell my husband, I have no idea how he would respond. I don?t want to ruin the life I?ve built with him. He?s everything I ever wanted in a partner. I?m torn between paying my friend and telling my husband, I don?t know what to do.


Well that is a pretty huge lie of omission, and since you did it on camera there is a good chances it's out there somewhere. Better that it comes from you then from him finding it even if you do pay this friend off. By the way the friend will continue to blackmail you as long as she can. Unfortunately you were not honest with your husband you based your relationship on lies so you will have to deal with the fallout. Better to just rip the bandaid off.

By the way it doesn't make him a bad guy if he has a problem with you selling your sexuality for money. You had a right to do it, but it was unfair to not give him a choice if that would have been a deal beaker. Besides the moral ramifications if he cares or not there are the logistics of the video popping up one day. Lots of people would have a problem with that. Besides that you lied by omission for years.

On the other hand he may not care. That's the thing there are plenty of guys who don't but you never took the chance to find out. Now is the time before you have kids if it is a deal breaker.


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

I have thought about going to to the police and filling a police report, but they can't really do anything to stop her from telling my husband. Plus I know she going through some problems and probably wouldn't care if the police were to get involved. And that what's worries me that most. I have tried to keep that part of my past in the past, nobody was ever supposed to know. I don't have an idea how he would react or what he would do. I don't want him to think any less of me. 


As for any videos that could be out there I've looked, I spent nearly all last night and today and couldn't find any so I believe I'm pretty safe from that aspect of all of this. I only did a handful web shows. I only did web shows for about two months and maybe 4 or 5 shows if that. Although friend does came to have an video of me stripping and a web show. So her posting it somewhere is possible. 


I know I have to tell him but I'm scared to. I never lied or hide anything besides this from him. I have always tried to be real, honest and truthful. Now I'm scared he's going to think I'm some kind of liar or worse.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> I have thought about going to to the police and filling a police report, but they can't really do anything to stop her from telling my husband. Plus I know she going through some problems and probably wouldn't care if the police were to get involved. And that what's worries me that most. I have tried to keep that part of my past in the past, nobody was ever supposed to know. I don't have an idea how he would react or what he would do. I don't want him to think any less of me.
> 
> 
> As for any videos that could be out there I've looked, I spent nearly all last night and today and couldn't find any so I believe I'm pretty safe from that aspect of all of this. I only did a handful web shows. I only did web shows for about two months and maybe 4 or 5 shows if that. Although friend does came to have an video of me stripping and a web show. So her posting it somewhere is possible.
> ...


You may not have lied but you were not honest. It's time to be. You also need to understand that he will probably be hurt and frankly he has a right to be, you took away his ability to decide if this was a deal breaker by not being honest about your history. You should expect that this is going to shake his trust. So you will have to work to build it back. But again it's better that it comes out now then that he finds out because one of his friends tell him to look at a video of you out there. That happens, I have read threads like that. This is one of those deals that you just have to take your medicine. Hopefully he will be OK with it and won't be too hurt.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Does your H know of your financial troubles and your father's illness? If so then he may have some understanding of your plight. Keeping it from him was not the right thing to do but if he understands your desperation he may actually be supportive after the initial shock wears off.

Also, it would be quite understandable for him to imagine you prostituting during that time and since you have exhibited an aversion to complete honesty it may present a problem. All you can do is to prove that your word is good by telling the absolute truth, now and always and trust in his ability to understand and accept. By the way, I hope your father's situation improved.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> Recently, one of the friends who I have told is staring to blackmailing me. She is threatening to tell my husband if I don?t give her the amount of money she asking. I don?t know what to do.


This is what I would do. Many here will rake me over the coals for this post.
...............................................................................................................................................
Talk to her in your car.

Turn up some background music. Somewhat loud.

I would simply say this,* by whispering in her ear.* *Say it once*:

Tell her that, "Yes, if you tell my husband it will cause him to divorce me. That is a fact".

"You will mortally hurt me. I will lose everything that I have worked hard for." If you tell my husband, I will lose him.
"If you tell my husband................. You will lose your life. Maybe not a day later, a week later but it will happen."

"Go for it, *****!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that your friend might not care if the police get involved? Does she not care if she is charged with a crime and convicted?


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

We used to very close but we haven't really talked besides a quick message over Facebook. We had a little group of me the my friend who got me started, her sister and my friend, we can call her Mia(the one blackmailing me). Awhile the 4 of us had the idea of doing this (stripping) as a short term thing Mia kind of went and tried to make a career out of it. She started acting really wild and getting involved with some shady people. My other two friends kind stop talking to her altogether because of the way she started to act. I kinda of continued to support her and encourage to go back to school. We ended up in a pretty huge fight over something she did and we stopped talking besides a message over Facebook every now and the. The last time I heard anything about her besides now when she started blackmailing me. I was told she was a mess and out of control. So I don't think she clearly thinking things through and probably doesn't care about anything.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

First of all, I wouldn't fault you at all for doing what you needed to do to support yourself. If I found this out about my wife, my only feeling would be of sympathy for the parts of it the you found unpleasant.

I have on idea of how your husband would react - different people react very differently. I don't know how to predict it. 

I also don't fault you for not telling him. Your past is your own, this shouldn't affect him in any way. Again other men will think differently. 

Blackmail is very serious - a felony. Your "friend" can end up in prison. If you have any recording of her threatening you, yes, she can upset your husband, but then she will spend time in prison. Talk to the police. 

I strongly advise against meeting this friend in person - someone who will commit one felony might decide to commit another to cover it up. 

Paying blackmailers never works. It doesn't prevent her from asking for money the next time she needs it. 

Go to the police on this - this is really serious. People can get murdered over things like this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> We used to very close but we haven't really talked besides a quick message over Facebook. We had a little group of me the my friend who got me started, her sister and my friend, we can call her Mia(the one blackmailing me). Awhile the 4 of us had the idea of doing this (stripping) as a short term thing Mia kind of went and tried to make a career out of it. She started acting really wild and getting involved with some shady people. My other two friends kind stop talking to her altogether because of the way she started to act. I kinda of continued to support her and encourage to go back to school. We ended up in a pretty huge fight over something she did and we stopped talking besides a message over Facebook every now and the. The last time I heard anything about her besides now when she started blackmailing me. I was told she was a mess and out of control. So I don't think she clearly thinking things through and probably doesn't care about anything.


You have no choice but to tell your husband,this woman sounds unbalanced and who know what she might do if you meet her or threaten her in any way.Start by explaining to your husband about your parents medical expenses and your college fees.If he reacts badly then there isn't much you can do but it is better you confessing than him finding out from another source.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did she threaten to black mail you over Facebook, perhaps in a message?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Spring_Green said:


> We used to very close but we haven't really talked besides a quick message over Facebook. We had a little group of me the my friend who got me started, her sister and my friend, we can call her Mia(the one blackmailing me). Awhile the 4 of us had the idea of doing this (stripping) as a short term thing Mia kind of went and tried to make a career out of it. She started acting really wild and getting involved with some shady people. My other two friends kind stop talking to her altogether because of the way she started to act. I kinda of continued to support her and encourage to go back to school. We ended up in a pretty huge fight over something she did and we stopped talking besides a message over Facebook every now and the. The last time I heard anything about her besides now when she started blackmailing me. I was told she was a mess and out of control. So I don't think she clearly thinking things through and probably doesn't care about anything.


A couple of thoughts. Yes talk to the police. Yes talk to an attorney. Don't meet her in person unless asked by the police as it would ultimately set up an emotional confrontation that could get violent. Don't threaten her, as two wrongs don't make a right.

Finally confess your past to your husband in a "controlled setting." My suggestion is if you and he are in any way religious to seek out a priest or minister and go together with your H to talk to him/her so that there will be a 3rd party to help bring perspective if you H get's angry. They have probably heard much worse.

Now if not religious, then I would setting up a marriage counseling session for you and your H and going to it and confessing there. At least if you H freaks out, there will be someone to provide perspective.

If you need to tell your H why you want to go to a priest/minister or marriage counselor, tell him that there is something in your past that you are not real proud of, but also that you aren't totally ashamed of, but that someone is trying to blackmail you and you have talked to the police about it, but you and your H need to talk about it as well.

Good luck.

P.S. Make sure you don't have any other secrets you have been keeping from him and that you confess all that you did. If he is any kind of real man that loves you, he will realize that it was before he met you and that you were trying to economically survive and help your family. Again, this is the time for the "full confession" not a few bits and pieces trickling out to your husband. It it was more than "dancing" you need to tell him, if it was more than web-cam masturbating for men you need to tell him, If your web cam performances involved more than just you, he needs to know that as well.

P.P.S. Get the Heck off of Facebook as she can post horrible things about you and all your friends and family will know. Figure out how to unfriend her and after you talk to the police see if she can be banned from Facebook.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Just because she is messed up does not mean she wouldn't care about police involvement. In fact, I suggest the more messed up she is, the more likely she would want to stay totally away from police involvement, and run at the first mention of police.

You should stop assuming the police cannot help you.

Gather your evidence. Use the resource of the police. Sometimes they can actually be useful.

You did not say what state you live in. Is it in the United States?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

As a story about police involvement.

My eldest son once had a girlfriend, some rich girl, who had a prior boyfriend who ended up in jail for drugs dealing. After he got out of jail he actually started calling our home, and spoke with my wife on two occasions. Some sort of threat against my son. The kid was on probation, no less.

I didn't even bother recording anything. I just had the police set up a meeting, he was required to attend because I reported he had called and threatened my wife and child. At the meeting my family and he and police mediation was there.

When it came time for me to speak about why I was there, I said it was as a possible alternative to me hunting the scum down and killing him to prevent him from harming my son. The police mediator told him that was reasonable, and certainly made the meeting well worth doing.

We never heard from that scum drug dealer again.

The police can be useful.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You did what you had to do. I would get this POS on tape blackmailing you. Now about your husband, if he can't accept all of you, is he worth having? Sorry for the crap you're going thru.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Be prepared for damaged ego, jealousy, and even anger.


Jealous? Please explain.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TAM2013 said:


> Jealous? Please explain.


Two possible sources here:
1. Husband may be disturbed that she put on a show for total strangers. Many guys wan their ladies to put on a show for them, but to never have done it for anyone else, regardless of circumstances. Anytime one sees something being put out for others, it can create feeling of jealousy. This happened well before they met, so it _shouldn't_ be a problem, but rational thought doesn't always win out in things like this. 
2. This is on the net. Husband may worry about wife being recognized and receiving attention as a result. Likelihood is very low, but this would still put some men on guard. Some may not even be able to deal with it. Hopefully this man is made of sterner stuff.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Two possible sources here:
> 
> 1. Husband may be disturbed that she put on a show for total strangers. Many guys wan their ladies to put on a show for them, but to never have done it for anyone else, regardless of circumstances. Anytime one sees something being put out for others, it can create feeling of jealousy. This happened well before they met, so it _shouldn't_ be a problem, but rational thought doesn't always win out in things like this.
> 
> 2. This is on the net. Husband may worry about wife being recognized and receiving attention as a result. Likelihood is very low, but this would still put some men on guard. Some may not even be able to deal with it. Hopefully this man is made of sterner stuff.




I think his reaction will partly depend on how she treats him. If he's getting the good stuff daily with lap dances occasionally and little shows then it may not be a big deal. But if she's been giving him the good girl act...it might be a deal breaker. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

After sleeping on it I decided to come clean to my husband. I'm just really scared to. It's pretty unanimous here from all the poster think I should tell my husband everything. Deep down I know I have too, I'm just worried about what could happen. Part does feel I might be over reacting I have tendency to do that and overthink things and come to the worse possible outcomes. A lot of the time they never happen. Like right now I really think he might leave me over this and that's what scares me so much. I do feel like I might be overthinking this too. I know my husband really loves and he's pretty understanding and open minded person. So I think he would understand. At least I hope so, I really love him and I don't ever want to lose him he means everything to me. 


Eligirl 
No, she hasn't She sent me a message over Facebook apologizing for what she did and ask if we could meet for drinks or something, I agreed to meet her. It started out fun and friendly talking about some of the things we did in our college days. Then out of nowhere she drops this bomb on me and threatening to tell my husband everything. Since then she sent one vague message over Facebook and one phone call.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Two possible sources here:
> 1. Husband may be disturbed that she put on a show for total strangers. Many guys wan their ladies to put on a show for them, but to never have done it for anyone else, regardless of circumstances. Anytime one sees something being put out for others, it can create feeling of jealousy. This happened well before they met, so it _shouldn't_ be a problem, but rational thought doesn't always win out in things like this.
> 2. This is on the net. Husband may worry about wife being recognized and receiving attention as a result. Likelihood is very low, but this would still put some men on guard. Some may not even be able to deal with it. Hopefully this man is made of sterner stuff.


Jealous of a load of strip club goers awkwardly spending money they don't have to impress their buddies? Or of the inadequates jerking off on the internet? Come on, Rookie.

I'd be more concerned I'm married to someone who's prepared to put my welfare at risk to save their own skin. What about if they'd already had kids FFS? Imagine that video going round the playground. Unlikely? About as 'unlikely' as someone from the past coming back to threaten blackmail.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Spring,

Looks like your head is on straight. Usually the past should be the past and if nothing has surfaced until this point it probably will not anywhere husband will see it or find out any other way. 
You could try to bluff the ***** down but probably better to tell husband the truth in case she calls your bluff.

I'm not sure but I think the most lingering question in his mind might not be you stripping or camming, but wondering if it is really true to did not do any "extra" for more money, which I am guessing some of your colleagues did do,. I'd as a preemptive measure investigate polygraph examiners just in case husband makes that a big issue. It never hurts to be prepared.

i am not suggesting that he will or not debating whether that is reasonable, but just trying to give you thoughts on being prepared for something that hopefully you do not need.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The posters here don't know your husband, you do. So, while you should consider their advice, you know far more than they do and should do what you think makes sense.

I still recommend going to the police about the blackmail. 

If your husband loves you, then this should not put him off. 





Spring_Green said:


> After sleeping on it I decided to come clean to my husband. I'm just really scared to. It's pretty unanimous here from all the poster think I should tell my husband everything. Deep down I know I have too, I'm just worried about what could happen. Part does feel I might be over reacting I have tendency to do that and overthink things and come to the worse possible outcomes. A lot of the time they never happen. Like right now I really think he might leave me over this and that's what scares me so much. I do feel like I might be overthinking this too. I know my husband really loves and he's pretty understanding and open minded person. So I think he would understand. At least I hope so, I really love him and I don't ever want to lose him he means everything to me.
> 
> 
> Eligirl
> No, she hasn't She sent me a message over Facebook apologizing for what she did and ask if we could meet for drinks or something, I agreed to meet her. It started out fun and friendly talking about some of the things we did in our college days. Then out of nowhere she drops this bomb on me and threatening to tell my husband everything. Since then she sent one vague message over Facebook and one phone call.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TAM2013 said:


> Jealous of a load of strip club goers awkwardly spending money they don't have to impress their buddies? Or of the inadequates jerking off on the internet? Come on, Rookie.
> 
> I'd be more concerned I'm married to someone who's prepared to put my welfare at risk to save their own skin. What about if they'd already had kids FFS? Imagine that video going round the playground. Unlikely? About as 'unlikely' as someone from the past coming back to threaten blackmail.


I didn't say it was logical--only that that's how some react. Whether or not it seems rational to you has little bearing on whether or not that's how someone else would take it. Just because I personally wouldn't react that way doesn't mean I'm going to deny the reality of human nature. Fact is many men spring straight to jealousy about anything that may interfere with their relationship, whether or not that is the appropriate response. A "rookie" might not be wise enough to recognize that. And I was clear that the jealousy would relate not to the losers on the other end of a cam, but that she had shared herself in that way, regardless of the motivation or the audience.

I don't get the idea OP did anything to "save her own skin." She did it, she left it, she moved on. Having moved on and put it behind her, she may honestly have thought what's done is done, what's past is past and who she is/what she does now is all that matters. Maybe I'm being a "rookie" in this part, but it's just too easy to judge and condemn. I'm working under the impression she is sincere here. Of course, I may be wrong, but I stand by it as of this point.

You can't compare the likelihood of the two possible negative occurrences. The blackmailer was an acquaintance who was involved in the same activity, so she knew first hand what OP had done. Easy to make the leap. On the other hand, there is sooooooooo much porn out there that the odds of people stumbling onto people they know is much less likely. Especially cam girl stuff which, if I understand it, has the draw of being "live" rather than recorded. Once it's just a tape, no longer live, it loses its appeal and people don't seek it out. It seems to me that anybody finding a short lived cam girl tape from 5 years ago is exceedingly unlikely, let alone someone she knew personally. If it was my wife, I wouldn't fret one bit about this. I'm more likely to get run over by a bus on my way to work.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W, when we were dating, stated she thought she would work as a stripper to pay for law school. It never came to pass. I would think it would not bother me if it did. My W and I met a well known actress who when asked if she did not work as an actress what would she be. She said a stripper. We rented out our first home so to move to another. Our tenet was a stripper. My coworkers sister was a stripper. Where an I going with this? I know a lot of strippers or would be strippers. Stripping is a job. One uses their assets. 

Call the police and advise of what is going on with individual looking for "hush money".


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't get hung up on the "lie by omission" detail. Tell your husband when and why then call the police. Tell you what, if he finds out through extortion it'll be a hundred times worse. Then it really will be lie by omission if you report it to the cops.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Spring_Green said:


> My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2 of those 5 years. I haven?t been completely honest with him about my pass. About 7 or 8 years ago, when I was 20, I was pretty desperate for money. I owed $3500 for tuition for the upcoming semester. My parents had already given me most of what they had saved up and didn't have much to give in the first place. I didn't have anything of value that was worth selling and at the time I only had a part time job it barely paid my rent and living expenses. A friend of mine mentioned that she and her sister made pretty good money working as a stripper and that if I was really desperate, which at the time I was said, that she would introduce me to her boss. The start of the semester was less than two months away and so I met with her. She told me I could make $1,000 easily in a few nights. My friend was right, I made really good money and I continued doing it on and off through college. During my junior year in college, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, so my father and mother both went back to my home country for treatment. My father?s medical treatment was very expensive. They never told me, but I knew they couldn?t afford it. So I stared to help them by sending them money weekly for his treatment. I started stripping again to help them. Stripping was barely covering all my new expense. One of the girls I was working with told me she started working as a webcam model. She told me she was making twice as much as webcam model and it was less time consuming. She helped set me up with one of the sites and account and a camera. It really was the worst time of my life. All of the guys were straight creeps creepy they would say degrading and nasty things to me, and I'd have to pretend I loved it, it was nothing like stripping. Thankfully, I made the money I needed to help my parents and to pay off my tuition, I shut my account and put it all behind me.
> 
> 
> It was just a job to me, I never did anything "extra" and never used drugs. I think I was lucky in the sense that it wasn't an awful experience besides the web coming, but it's definitely something I knew I would do short-term. On one hand, it helped make me the success I am today because I graduated debt free and with a good GPA. I'm not really that ashamed of it because it was what I needed to do, but I understand the stigma and it's challenging not to respond emotionally if someone you know is involved. I?ve only told 3 friends back when I did it. It is so far behind me that I feel like it's no longer relevant anymore. I planned to never tell anyone, including my husband. Recently, one of the friends who I have told is staring to blackmailing me. She is threatening to tell my husband if I don?t give her the amount of money she asking. Part me wants to just pay her and hopefully she would leave me alone, but I know if I pay her now she can and probably will threaten to do it again. But I?m scared to tell my husband, I have no idea how he would respond. I don?t want to ruin the life I?ve built with him. He?s everything I ever wanted in a partner. I?m torn between paying my friend and telling my husband, I don?t know what to do.



Don't go to the cops until you've got evidence of the blackmail. Get her to text or email you. Or record a conversation. Then go to the police. 

Come clean to your H right away. It's going to come out, either by the girl calling him, or when the cops get involved. Explain it like you did here, and he will likely understand. Of course part of the problem is that because you've lied for so long about it, his trust is going to be damaged likely. If his trust is really damaged, you may consider offering a polygraph test to prove that you're being completely honest, that there was nothing else going on other than webcam videos and stripping--some strippers do more than just strip, so I don't know what your H will be thinking. If you have any other secrets that you were holding back, now is the time to lay them all out.

No matter what, come clean to your H first. Take the teeth out of the blackmail.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Spring_green,

Since you should have told your H before he married you, there is no better time to tell him then right now and to get it over with. 

Just be completely honest with him so there is nothing anyone can hold over you ever again. What you do not want to do is trickle truth your H and then have him ask you a question 5 years from now you lied about.

Don't minimize or lie by omission.

Tamat


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Whether or not it seems rational to you has little bearing on whether or not that's how someone else would take it.


Glad we agree.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

uhtred said:


> If your husband loves you, then this should not put him off.


OP I hope for both of your sakes for him this is not a big deal but if your husband is upset about it that doesn't me he doesn't love you enough. Again not everyone is cool with their partner selling there sexuality even if it is in the past. I am sure not every women would be cool with their husbands going to a prostitute or even being a regular with at cam girl in the past. Everyone is entitled to their boundaries. The perception whether right or wrong is that women who strip also get paid for sex, you say that yourself. Since you weren't honest he will probably worry about it. Again doesn't make him a bad guy. Everyone being honest on here would admit that they would worry about the same thing partly because you kept it hidden. Again doesn't make him a bad guy.

Besides all that, most would not be cool with just the fact that you were not honest about it. The overall point is he will probably be hurt and that doesn't mean he is insecure or doesn't love you. He has done absolutely nothing wrong. 

You it's important to be empathetic to the fact that it was wrong to hide this and your husband has a right to be upset. If you are defensive and act like he should just think it is no big deal that is not going to help your situation. You obviously know it's a big deal because you wouldn't have hid it if that was the case. If he truly loves you he will be able to get over it. But calling him shallow or insecure which is what a lot of people tend to do when I see post like this is not going to make it better. And even if he is, you could have screened that if you had just been open with him when you were dating. Now the one caveat is if he is abusive to you when he finds out. If he is I would just leave for a while and let it settle in. It's not OK for him to call you names because of it. 

I am sorry if this seems harsh but I am trying to get you prepared to what he may be thinking. This is the kind of thing that may take some time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, it may put him off. Yes, even if he loves you. He's going to have many many things rattling around in his head. One of which, media has made it much worse, what did you do, how much, how many and what acts. Look, don't judge your husband by his initial reaction. People like to pretend "oh it is just sex" and "the past doesn't matter," but it does for certain acts. Look, stripper and porn actress, webcam is considered porn, has a VERY NEGATIVE connotation. Especially, with all of the information out now, his mind will go to sexual abuse, rape, sex slave and prostitution. Just look at some of the reactions in this threads. So, if he does overreact, it doesn't mean he loves you lessor doesn't love you, it just means he is in turmoil. 
Now, do not accept any verbal or physical abuse, but be prepared for some venting and anger.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> Spring_green,
> 
> Since you should have told your H before he married you, there is no better time to tell him then right now and to get it over with.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100%

You have 2 problems. One is your lie of omission with your husband, the other is the woman blackmailing you.

If I were you, I'd go nuclear on the blackmailer. I'd record a conversation with her threatening blackmail. You could approach the district atty's office about it before you set up a meeting with the woman. While this may be a small potatoes case, the DA might be interested in pursuing it. The thing about blackmailers is they don't stop after you pay them. She could tell your H all kinds of lies even if you do pay her off. You need her to go away, and the easiest way to do that is to have somebody with a badge show up to arrest her for blackmail. Alternatively, if you have a voice recording of her verbally blackmailing you, you can use that as a threat to get her to go away. The problem is she may seek to backstab you somehow, so I prefer the route of getting the police involved.

As to your husband, you are indeed in a tough spot. I assume you have told us the very worst of what is in your past. As Tamat said above, do not trickle truth your H, and don't leave out any information. While he may not want to know all the details, you must be sure he understands the true picture of what you did.

I second the suggestion of doing this in MC. There are going to be some difficult issues as a result. You were intentionally deceptive by not telling him this about you. Because stripping and web camming is a public sexual activity, he certainly had the right to know about it. You should have volunteered the information to him before getting married. This deception would feel to me as a betrayal. Furthermore, eventually I would make the connection that you only told me because you were being blackmailed. This would leave me worried about _what else is there you haven't told me_, and _can I trust you in the future_? Additionally, if you stripped or cammed where someone he knows could have seen you, it may cause him some distress.

For this you will need a good MC. I think you should make an appointment with an MC and go alone to the first session. Be fully honest with the MC. Then tell your husband you are struggling with some things about yourself and want to talk to him about them in MC. The difference between Individual Counseling and Marriage Counseling is the identified client. In IC you are the client, in MC the marriage is the client. So be aware your therapist can't do both simultaneously.

If you've told us the full extent of what you did, I think your husband can get past it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

uhtred said:


> The posters here don't know your husband, you do. So, while you should consider their advice, you know far more than they do and should do what you think makes sense.
> 
> I still recommend going to the police about the blackmail.
> 
> If your husband loves you, then this should not put him off.


He loves who he thinks she is and that's not a former stripper and web cam girl. The reality is that this may change how he perceives OP and how he feels permanently. He may simply not want his wife and future mother of his children to be a former sex worker. Especially one who has been lying by omission for years and is only coming clean due to blackmail.

Spring, I hope you do tell him and that you're able to work through the fallout.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Spring_Green

My take on this is that once you tell your husband about this, he will not take it well. I doubt that most men would regardless of why you did this. 

I hope I am wrong.

But be prepared for things to go very bad. Do you have anyone friends or family members who you can talk to if this goes down hill?

You might want to set up some appointments with a marriage counselor so that you have some help with the fallout.


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

I completely agree with all of you. If I tell him which I am, I plan to tell him tonight after he comes home from work, then it has to be the full and complete truth. I won't lie about anything he deserves to know the full truth. I should?ve told him long ago, but I was scared what he would think of me. I never really had a chance to tell him. I felt for him to fast and before I knew it, I was already in love with him and I was afraid of losing him. And since it was so long ago I never thought he would find out. But I was so wrong.

I don?t have any real family here with me. Most of my family is still in home country as well as my parents. None of my friends know about my past and I don?t plan on telling any of them. The two that do know have families and I don?t feel it's right to for me interject myself or disturbed anything they have going on. So I don?t really have anyone to talk to, that?s partly why I came here so I could get others thoughts and advice. If the worst comes to pass and I need to leave for a couple of days to give him space I could stay at the home we recently purchased. I hope it doesn't come to that. I thought of not being with him is terrifying.


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

I told my husband about everything. At first he thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. We both sat there, he wasn't saying or doing anything. Then he said he was going to the gym. He was gone for a little more then an hour. So I went to go see if he was there, our apartment building has a its own gym it's the one he use. I went and I wasn't able to find so I called him a couple of times. He hasn't answered any of my calls or any of the text I've sent. I was scared this was going to happen. I never wanted to hurt him, I really do love him with all of my heart and now I might have lost him forever. I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do with without him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> I told my husband about everything. At first he thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. We both sat there, he wasn't saying or doing anything. Then he said he was going to the gym. He was gone for a little more then an hour. So I went to go see if he was there, our apartment building has a its own gym it's the one he use. I went and I wasn't able to find so I called him a couple of times. He hasn't answered any of my calls or any of the text I've sent. I was scared this was going to happen. I never wanted to hurt him, I really do love him with all of my heart and now I might have lost him forever. I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do with without him.


Take a deep breath. Right now he is hurt and shocked. This may be how it is going to be for a little bit. At least he didn't lash out at you. Shows he is a good man. Yes you are in pain but look at it like this is your punishment and face it, don't panic and don't do anything rash. 

Also don't assume the worst yet. Give him some time to come to grips with this. Life is like this, pain is a part of it. This is the real reason why we say be honest with your spouse even about the bad stuff, but you did the hard thing here and the honorable thing so now you are on the right path. Learn this lesson today, it's important. No more hiding stuff because it's hard to admit at least when it comes to your husband.

You are going to be OK.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

sokillme said:


> You may not have lied but you were not honest. It's time to be. You also need to understand that he will probably be hurt and frankly he has a right to be, you took away his ability to decide if this was a deal breaker by not being honest about your history. You should expect that this is going to shake his trust. So you will have to work to build it back. But again it's better that it comes out now then that he finds out because one of his friends tell him to look at a video of you out there. That happens, I have read threads like that. This is one of those deals that you just have to take your medicine. Hopefully he will be OK with it and won't be too hurt.


Sokillme was right Spring_Green. It was time to be honest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you tell him that your 'friend' is threatening to blackmail you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Damn do-gooders.

I am pissed. I have mostly said that the past must remain in the past.

Let the past force itself on the future.

Yes, the threat of that forcible exposure had reared its ugly head. Spring Greens former friend threatened to expose the past.

Threats are not reality.

Confessions are just THAT. The past and reality are now one and the same....insane.

I usually recommend silence and hope for the best. I recommended counter threats to the black mailer, not spilling the old baked beans.

Her confession has mortally wounded hope. Now, for sure, she will be judged. Before this confession, there was no judgement, just the potential [of exposure and judgement] was there.

Either way, her excuse for concealing the truth was because she did not want to lose him. The result is the same. The same judgement will be levied against her. 

She had some chance of surviving this prior to confession. Now, she has a lot less. Hopefully not zero.

Good Job.....my ass.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Damn do-gooders.
> 
> I am pissed. I have mostly said that the past must remain in the past.
> 
> ...


So it's better to live...
1. A lie
And
2. In constant fear?

If hubby ultimately wants to bail for something OP did 5 years before they met, its best she learns that now.

Hopefully hubby is made of sterner stuff. But in the worst case scenario where he bails permanently, at least OP is free to pursue a relationship that will be honest from the get go, painful as it may be.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Damn do-gooders.
> 
> I am pissed. I have mostly said that the past must remain in the past.
> 
> ...


Yeah, let me know when you catch back up to the reality of 2017. You know the decade where threatened exposure is reality and blowing up marriages is fun for people. Hey, if you want to test this theory, you still can. When your husband calms down, call the cops and tell the blackmailer no. If the person tells your husband, you'll know what they would've done.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Spring_Green said:


> I told my husband about everything. At first he thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. We both sat there, he wasn't saying or doing anything. Then he said he was going to the gym. He was gone for a little more then an hour. So I went to go see if he was there, our apartment building has a its own gym it's the one he use. I went and I wasn't able to find so I called him a couple of times. He hasn't answered any of my calls or any of the text I've sent. I was scared this was going to happen. I never wanted to hurt him, I really do love him with all of my heart and now I might have lost him forever. I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do with without him.


Your husband is probably very surprised and needs some time to process what he's been told and to work through it before talking to you further. You two might need some marriage counseling after this.

I hope you call the police. You do not need proof in order to talk to them. They will tell you exactly what to do about the situation. There are procedures for handling people like her.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm very sorry he responded that way. I know a lot of men would react like that, but I'll never understand it. 






Spring_Green said:


> I told my husband about everything. At first he thought I was joking and then he realized I was serious. We both sat there, he wasn't saying or doing anything. Then he said he was going to the gym. He was gone for a little more then an hour. So I went to go see if he was there, our apartment building has a its own gym it's the one he use. I went and I wasn't able to find so I called him a couple of times. He hasn't answered any of my calls or any of the text I've sent. I was scared this was going to happen. I never wanted to hurt him, I really do love him with all of my heart and now I might have lost him forever. I can't believe this is happening, I don't know what to do with without him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> So it's better to live...
> 1. A lie
> And
> 2. In constant fear?
> ...


Yes and yes.

From what she wrote, she has been a very good wife after the fact. Now, all that "good" will be forever tainted.
Her husband [family] will never view her the same. 

It is not necessary to "open up" until it is not an option.

What she did in the past was unwise. She sacrificed her "image" for money, financial solidity and to help her family. The extenuating circumstances of what she did with the money washes some of the "unwise" action away. IMO

Now, by revealing her past, she has unwisely opened herself up to the small mindedness of common men and women. To expect her husband to wash this sin is silly.

I would take my chances with chances.....my Fate faced, nose to nose. I would let Fate take me down, not my fear of it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yeah, let me know when you catch back up to the reality of 2017. You know the decade where threatened exposure is reality and blowing up marriages is fun for people. Hey, if you want to test this theory, you still can. When your husband calms down, call the cops and tell the blackmailer no. If the person tells your husband, you'll know what they would've done.


I get this...I do. 
.............................................................................................................................................................
Do not lie down and beg forgiveness for every past trespass. This trespass is huge [for common men]. You cannot change the past. You can only learn from the past and to not repeat it. Live a better life after making some bad decisions. 

Me? I looked at the extenuating circumstances. I can rationalize [her] THIS.

She needed to wait for Fate to knock her flat. As a result of FEAR, she volunteered, she laid down flat. 

Fear is not reality, until it IS.

If she gets dumped, she will repeat this "tell-all" cycle with every new man she gets involved with.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am so sorry for you. I hope, I do think your husband is just temporarily upset.

I didn't mention, but should have made a point of it, telling the police would not mean you had to tell your husband.

I probably would have suggested it would be good to let your husband know, in order to end any effort at blackmail. But it wouldn't have been necessary, just to get the police to confront the blackmailer for you. Sadly this does you no good now. 

Please let us know what happens. I'm sure many worry for you, and are sorry this is playing out this way. I know I hope you weather this storm and come out of it well.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

@Sunmars she didn't have much choice, given the blackmail situation. He finds out from her, proactively, or from the OP's 'friend'. He finds out from the friend = worse, IMO.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You know how there is a Moral for every Tale?

What is the Moral here?
...................................................................................
Think long and hard. No cookie cutter answers, Por' Favor.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Yes and yes.
> 
> From what she wrote, she has been a very good wife after the fact. Now, all that "good" will be forever tainted.


Only if one chooses to view it as such. All hubby should care about is who she is now. If he can't get past that, he needs to be elsewhere and she deserves one who will accept the whole package. 



SunCMars said:


> It is not necessary to "open up" until it is not an option.


So a lie of omission is better, so long as it perpetuated?



SunCMars said:


> The extenuating circumstances of what she did with the money washes some of the "unwise" action away. IMO


Something else her hubby should recognize and take into account. This only reinforces my first point above. 



SunCMars said:


> Now, by revealing her past, she has unwisely opened herself up to the small mindedness of common men and women.


This is the ultimate reinforcement of my point. If hubby can't get past something she did half a decade before they married, then he's one of those small-minded common men. 

I understand your "playing the odds" here; that it's worth taking the _chance of exposure_ that will _more certainly lead to worst consequences_ vice the _certain self-disclosed exposure_ with what _may be _lesser circumstances. But there's more than a simple risk trade-off here. Starting a marriage with a violation of trust, even one which may never be discovered, is a poor foundation. Poor foundations usually end up cracking at some point. 

In the interest of full disclosure here, I will admit I'm looking at this from a particular point of view; not just colored by morality, but rather also my stage in life. I know that, if I was to learn this about my wife, it wouldn't faze me a bit (despite my being fairly conservative in these matters), but this is because we are approaching our 30th wedding anniversary. Our union has been forged into the finest hardened steel by the fires we have faced together over three decades. Anything that happened prior is ancient history lived by a completely different person. I'm not so sure I would have quite this level of comfort with the past were the past not so long ago, as if I had learned this just a couple years into our marriage rather than 30. But knowing this also reinforces the idea that the past is truly the past (which you have said yourself). Whether you learn it 3 years in or 30, it is what it is. Having lived through so much more, I'm better qualified to know that simple truism. It will be harder for OPs hubby without that completeness together, but the underlying principle is still the same. 

Hubby needs to also understand how hard this was on his wife. First, her having done what she did in the first place, her having been strong enough to put that behind her and move on, and her having disclosed. Three very difficult chapters in her life. He is facing but one, and if he gets through it, he and his marriage will be stronger. Again, I say this as someone with much more experience, and there's possibly no way to communicate that to hubby as sometimes time and experience are the only teachers that get through. (hence your preference to avoid the disclosure in the first place; I do understand, even if I see it differently)


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> You know how there is a Moral for every Tale?
> 
> What is the Moral here?
> ...................................................................................
> Think long and hard. No cookie cutter answers, Por' Favor.


Some cut cookies simply taste better when the correct balance of ingredients are used.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I get this...I do.
> .............................................................................................................................................................
> Do not lie down and beg forgiveness for every past trespass. This trespass is huge [for common men]. You cannot change the past. You can only learn from the past and to not repeat it. Live a better life after making some bad decisions.
> 
> ...


You can give me all the reasons in the world to be quiet and I will always say " it is much better for them to hear it from you, than to hear it from someone else." Fear is reality, imagined consequences are not. We will just disagree.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How is it going OP?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SpringGreen,

Your Hs reaction tells you that you made the right choice in telling him.

Tamat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> SpringGreen,
> 
> Your Hs reaction tells you that you made the right choice in telling him.
> 
> Tamat


What do you mean?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

EG,

What I mean is that because this matters to him, it was the right thing to do so he can make his decision to stay in the marriage or not based on his values combined with the facts of her life.

It's not like he would divorce her over this, but more like he might get an annulment since he would feel he never should have married her in the first place. When the preacher asks is there anyone here who knows why these two should not be wed, he is also asking the bride and groom.

There is also the issue of her having secrets with the people she used to work with that her H is excluded from. 

Tamat


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

NVM I see what you are saying now, I just don't get the leap you made.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The moment you pay your "friend" off, you'll have shown her exactly how to manipulate you, and she'll be demanding even more money within a matter of weeks.

And if it's not her, it'll be someone else.

Disarm her by telling your husband yourself.

Make him a nice, fat ribeye, buy him a 6-pack of his favorite beer, and tell him you need to talk.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Spring, I am late to this thread, but I wanted to tell you that I also think that you did the right thing. Yes, when you told your husband about your past, it hurt him. But it wasn't you telling him now that hurt. It was you not telling him before. And like a cancer, leaving it longer would only have been even more damaging. 

He may never have found out otherwise, but then there would always have been a part of your relationship with him that was based on a lie. Making it less than it could have been. And he may very well have found out another way - and that would have been infinitely worse. You feel as though you have changed your relationship with him forever... and you have. What you did took courage and trust, and he will come to see that. He has a lot of processing to do. Give him space and time.

Thoughts are with you.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Spring Green,

Now that you have told your husband its time to tell the PO "friend" that you have told him everything and that she can take her threats and shove them and that she'll have some legal trouble she cannot even comprehend if she ever contacts you again.

Then call the police.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Spring, I know that you don't need this additional stress right now, but unless you make your friend's threat entirely toothless, then this might still come back to bite you in the future. By telling your husband the truth, you have removed the present threat. But you also need to know that she cannot threaten you in ten years time, when you and your husband have a family and established careers that might be vulnerable.

Her action is criminal. She might have been your friend in the past and she is clearly in a bad place right now, but that does not change the fact that what she did was immoral and illegal. This is not about revenge or even trying to hurt her ... it is about protecting you and yours in the future. Please take legal advice or go to the police.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mizzbak said:


> Spring, I know that you don't need this additional stress right now, but unless you make your friend's threat entirely toothless, then this might still come back to bite you in the future. By telling your husband the truth, you have removed the present threat. But you also need to know that she cannot threaten you in ten years time, when you and your husband have a family and established careers that might be vulnerable.
> 
> Her action is criminal. She might have been your friend in the past and she is clearly in a bad place right now, but that does not change the fact that what she did was immoral and illegal. This is not about revenge or even trying to hurt her ... it is about protecting you and yours in the future. Please take legal advice or go to the police.


This even if he knows the friend can still try to use other means to get money off of you with this info so you need to go to the authorities.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> EG,
> 
> What I mean is that because this matters to him, it was the right thing to do so he can make his decision to stay in the marriage or not based on his values combined with the facts of her life.
> 
> ...


How is an annulment better than a divorce for her? It's still the end of the marriage.

But, that said, he cannot get a annulment. A divorce is the only choice if either of them want to end the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> The moment you pay your "friend" off, you'll have shown her exactly how to manipulate you, and she'll be demanding even more money within a matter of weeks.
> 
> And if it's not her, it'll be someone else.
> 
> ...


 @GusPolinski

I guess you did not read some of the thread. 

She told her husband. He walked out. We don't know if he came back or what is going on because she has not been back.

Does anyone here really think that he will do anything except divorce her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> Spring Green,
> 
> Now that you have told your husband its time to tell the PO "friend" that you have told him everything and that she can take her threats and shove them and that she'll have some legal trouble she cannot even comprehend if she ever contacts you again.
> 
> Then call the police.


Spring says that the friend has a copy of a video. So the friend still has blackmail material. Giving that video to Spring's husband would be devastating.

So, Spring needs to now to go to the police and file some kind of blackmail charges that make it so that the 'friend' will be charged with a crime if that video shows up.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @GusPolinski
> 
> Does anyone here really think that he will do anything except divorce her?


Certainly no way to tell from the backside of a keyboard and monitor. I'm something of an eternal optimist. Him walking out was expected--I still have hope he may cool off and at least be willing to discuss it. 

This seems odd to me; I am usually on the sexually conservative side (not extreme, but leaning that direction) but I really don't think this would have crushed me. I did learn some troubling things (not to this level, mind you, but mildly shocking for someone of my background) about my wife's past after we married, but that didn't make me think any less of her. I married a whole, strong woman who always learns from her mistakes. I would have been a fool to toss her aside for something that happened before we even met. I think any man worth spending a lifetime with would see that, at least once the initial shock wears off. 

But as I said, I'm an optimist. And I tend to look at things logically rather than emotionally. I suppose that combination (logic and optimism, which many would consider an oxymoron in itself) may be pretty rare.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Spring says that the friend has a copy of a video. So the friend still has blackmail material. Giving that video to Spring's husband would be devastating.
> 
> So, Spring needs to now to go to the police and file some kind of blackmail charges that make it so that the 'friend' will be charged with a crime if that video shows up.


This is why I recommended to the OP that she not go to the cops right away. I hope she hasn't contacted the girl blackmailing her. 

She should try to have a phone conversation or a meeting in person, where she can record the conversation and get proof that she is being blackmailed. Then take it to the cops, prosecute. 

What she shouldn't do is let the woman know that she's told her husband. 



> I guess you did not read some of the thread.
> 
> She told her husband. He walked out. We don't know if he came back or what is going on because she has not been back.
> 
> Does anyone here really think that he will do anything except divorce her?


I think there's still a chance. The guy had just found out a bit of a bombshell that his wife had been keeping from him their entire relationship. 

I think the odds of reconciling here are going to be determined by what happened after OP posted last night. Did he come back? Was he willing to talk? Did he go stay with someone else? 

This is going to be rough for the OP, either way. I hope she comes back. I hope her H is forgiving.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> @GusPolinski
> 
> I guess you did not read some of the thread.
> 
> ...


Yeah I didn't realize prior to commenting that the thread was a few pages long already.

Unless the guy is super conservative he'll likely be back. And if he is then that's yet another reason she should've been up front with him from the start.

Either way, she did the right thing. It might have led to some short term pain, but making the right choice in a tight spot almost always does.

Additionally, she took the wind out of the sails of both her current and any potential future detractors.

Sucks (for now), but she showed courage and character.

Confused about what the right choice is? Let go of the outcome, and it'll probably be pretty clear.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Spring says that the friend has a copy of a video. So the friend still has blackmail material. Giving that video to Spring's husband would be devastating.
> 
> So, Spring needs to now to go to the police and file some kind of blackmail charges that make it so that the 'friend' will be charged with a crime if that video shows up.


A video that was published -- with OP's consent -- to the Internet?

Good luck making any charges stick.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Confused about what the right choice is? Let go of the outcome, and it'll probably be pretty clear.


Smart. ^^^^^


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## Spring_Green (May 9, 2017)

I was able to track my husband down using find my iphone app. I found him at the park close to our apartment. I didn't give me to the urge to go talk to him. I decided to just let him be and give him space. So I went back home to wait for him. He eventually came back home around 1 morning. As soon as he walked in the door I started to beg and plead with him not to leave me and I would do anything if it meant keeping him. He reassured me that he had no intention to leave me and that he loved. We end talking more and he asked a lot more questions about everything i told him. I tried to answer all his questions and to give him as many details as I possibly could. We talked for the rest of the night and we didn't go to sleep till about 8 in the morning today. 

I know it's all still fresh but feel all of this might have made us stronger. I thought my past was going to ruin my Marriage but it might do the opposite. I was able to tell my husband about my past that haven't told anyone else. I feel so much closer to him then ever before. 

I have told my husband about what my friend is trying to do. We haven't really talked about what to do with her. We time to figure it out later. I really don't feel like talking about her. I'm feeling pretty good right now and I don't want her to ruin that she has already done more then enough. Right now I'm planning to make us a nice dinner and maybe we can have a nice night together.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Courage almost always pays off, Spring. Well done.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like you have a good man.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> I was able to track my husband down using find my iphone app. I found him at the park close to our apartment. I didn't give me to the urge to go talk to him. I decided to just let him be and give him space. So I went back home to wait for him. He eventually came back home around 1 morning. As soon as he walked in the door I started to beg and plead with him not to leave me and I would do anything if it meant keeping him. He reassured me that he had no intention to leave me and that he loved. We end talking more and he asked a lot more questions about everything i told him. I tried to answer all his questions and to give him as many details as I possibly could. We talked for the rest of the night and we didn't go to sleep till about 8 in the morning today.
> 
> I know it's all still fresh but feel all of this might have made us stronger. I thought my past was going to ruin my Marriage but it might do the opposite. I was able to tell my husband about my past that haven't told anyone else. I feel so much closer to him then ever before.
> 
> I have told my husband about what my friend is trying to do. We haven't really talked about what to do with her. We time to figure it out later. I really don't feel like talking about her. I'm feeling pretty good right now and I don't want her to ruin that she has already done more then enough. Right now I'm planning to make us a nice dinner and maybe we can have a nice night together.


Good luck to you and I hope everything works out ok.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Spring says that the friend has a copy of a video. So the friend still has blackmail material. Giving that video to Spring's husband would be devastating.
> 
> So, Spring needs to now to go to the police and file some kind of blackmail charges that make it so that the 'friend' will be charged with a crime if that video shows up.


Ele, she said she signed up for a service which most likely had her sign a consent form that she was over 18 and consented to it being on the internet at will. Gus has it right. This is going to be a waste of money and with what the police in most jurisdictions have going on right now probably not a real high priority.

In addition to that, unless her husband is very naive he has seen porn of some sort at one time or another and should have no guess as to what she was doing on a cam show. If he is smart he will not watch it even if it is sent to him. once the POS friend knows she will get nothing no sense to her to try for any extortion money.

the big thing is for Spring to not hold anything back. You can bet her husband is guessing right now if she was also escorting on the side. More money for a desperate student than camming. A poly can answer that one in ten seconds for hubby.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You were smart to leave him to his thoughts while he was at the park. 

I'm happy to hear that you two are working through this. You have a good man.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> A video that was published -- with OP's consent -- to the Internet?
> 
> Good luck making any charges stick.


As far as I am aware, the criminality in this situation arises from the threat to do damage (by revealing information) unless paid money. It doesn't require that the information be entirely secret - although if it was in the public domain and easily accessible, then there would not be much point in trying to blackmail the victim. The exact nature of the victim's past actions are largely irrelevant, except inasmuch as knowledge of them by others would be damaging to him/her. So, the threat must be real. I still think the OP should take legal advice.

The OP did conduct a search and was unable to find the video online herself. I would not be surprised if the friend had held onto this video (and others like it of other potential victims) for exactly this purpose.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

With as many cam girls as there must be out there, all vying for viewers, I suspect it might actually be extremely hard to find any one particular video. Especially from several years ago.

I think I read a few years ago there are actually more hours of such stuff made now than there are hours of viewing being done. I can't believe that, but the idea is there are tens or hundreds of thousands of hours of such videos being created every day. What?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> You know how there is a Moral for every Tale?
> 
> What is the Moral here?
> ...................................................................................
> Think long and hard. No cookie cutter answers, Por' Favor.


The moral of the tail is don't hide sex work, but if you are going to do sex work don't be the kind of person who is going to hide it later. Just do it and accept that some people won't be cool with it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> You know how there is a Moral for every Tale?
> 
> What is the Moral here?
> ...................................................................................
> Think long and hard. No cookie cutter answers, Por' Favor.


Will this suffice....



Spring_Green said:


> I was able to track my husband down using find my iphone app. I found him at the park close to our apartment. I didn't give me to the urge to go talk to him. I decided to just let him be and give him space. So I went back home to wait for him. He eventually came back home around 1 morning. As soon as he walked in the door I started to beg and plead with him not to leave me and I would do anything if it meant keeping him. He reassured me that he had no intention to leave me and that he loved. We end talking more and he asked a lot more questions about everything i told him. I tried to answer all his questions and to give him as many details as I possibly could. We talked for the rest of the night and we didn't go to sleep till about 8 in the morning today.
> 
> I know it's all still fresh but *feel all of this might have made us stronger. I thought my past was going to ruin my Marriage but it might do the opposite. I was able to tell my husband about my past that haven't told anyone else. I feel so much closer to him then ever before.*
> 
> I have told my husband about what my friend is trying to do. We haven't really talked about what to do with her. We time to figure it out later. I really don't feel like talking about her. I'm feeling pretty good right now and I don't want her to ruin that she has already done more then enough. Right now I'm planning to make us a nice dinner and maybe we can have a nice night together.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> @GusPolinski
> 
> I guess you did not read some of the thread.
> 
> ...


Why you probably think I would say divorce as I think it's pretty obvious that I wouldn't marry someone who did it, but if she was a good wife when I found out I wouldn't divorce her. I would be pissed and make her get a poly to make sure it wasn't prostitution. There would be lots of talk about what else I don't know, and why she wasn't honest with me. That would probably be part of the poly. But assuming I had the whole truth. I would then get over it and have her do some dances for me every once in a while. I bet our sex life would probably see and uptick. I also would not hide it from anyone but probably my parents. I wouldn't hide it from my friends. But that is me, I don't like hiding things. She would just have to be cool with that. 

People do dumb stuff when they are young and besides part of it was done for her father, I have less of a problem with that then the using it to pay for collage thing. That one bothers me more. But still if she is a loving wife than so be it. In the end i would be like, I married a hot stripper, it could be a lot worse.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, Spring_Green, I wish you all the best. I think it will work out well, now.

What a roller-coaster.

Remember, some husbands would just tease their wives about something like this, and life would go on as usual. It wouldn't bother me.

Good luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spring_Green said:


> I was able to track my husband down using find my iphone app. I found him at the park close to our apartment. I didn't give me to the urge to go talk to him. I decided to just let him be and give him space. So I went back home to wait for him. He eventually came back home around 1 morning. As soon as he walked in the door I started to beg and plead with him not to leave me and I would do anything if it meant keeping him. He reassured me that he had no intention to leave me and that he loved. We end talking more and he asked a lot more questions about everything i told him. I tried to answer all his questions and to give him as many details as I possibly could. We talked for the rest of the night and we didn't go to sleep till about 8 in the morning today.
> 
> I know it's all still fresh but feel all of this might have made us stronger. I thought my past was going to ruin my Marriage but it might do the opposite. I was able to tell my husband about my past that haven't told anyone else. I feel so much closer to him then ever before.
> 
> I have told my husband about what my friend is trying to do. We haven't really talked about what to do with her. We time to figure it out later. I really don't feel like talking about her. I'm feeling pretty good right now and I don't want her to ruin that she has already done more then enough. Right now I'm planning to make us a nice dinner and maybe we can have a nice night together.


Two things, I know you don't want to deal with the friend but if she has a video of you it can be used against you. You need to get ahead of this RIGHT NOW! Let you husband help you it will make him feel good, that is in us men's nature. 

Second, give you husband a bunch of dances with happy endings. At least make all your experience worth your while. But feel him out first because it may trigger him. But if he seems excited go for it. Make sure that at the point where the happy ending part starts that you reinforce that now you are in virgin territory and you never went that far. I would make a big point about how different it is when you are with someone you love and what not. 

I'm sorry but there could be a lot worse things then marrying a stripper.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

@Spring_Green,
I don't generally try to speak for others, but in this case I think I can safely say we're all thrilled to hear hubby came back and worked through this with you. I believe there was a collective sigh of relief on the net! Thank you for coming back and sharing the good news. 


As some have noted, this probably isn't over and you should still take preemptive action against the POS "friend" for blackmail. 

Best wishes going forward.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Honestly, I wasn't worried because he didn't flip out, call her names and just took it all in. He needed some time to think and process the information uninterrupted. Plus, he probably had some anger he needed to vent which would have put her in a much worse state. 

I'm glad he was able to assure you divorce wasn't in the works and he loved you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Spring_Green said:


> I have told my husband about what my friend is trying to do. We haven't really talked about what to do with her. We time to figure it out later. I really don't feel like talking about her.


 First, I am very happy that you did the right thing and told your husband; I am even happier that your husband was so supportive of you when he learned of it. Second, stop calling her your friend; she is an ex-friend. Third, go full no contact with your ex-friend and do not tell her that your husband knows; if she does tell him, he should tell her that he already knows, and that if she needed money she should have just asked, but now she gets nothing and lost a friend to boot.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yep. If she was your friend, she'd would have let it stay buried or convinced you to tell him about this before you were married.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mizzbak said:


> As far as I am aware, the criminality in this situation arises from the threat to do damage (by revealing information) unless paid money. It doesn't require that the information be entirely secret - although if it was in the public domain and easily accessible, then there would not be much point in trying to blackmail the victim. The exact nature of the victim's past actions are largely irrelevant, except inasmuch as knowledge of them by others would be damaging to him/her. So, the threat must be real. I still think the OP should take legal advice.
> 
> The OP did conduct a search and was unable to find the video online herself. I would not be surprised if the friend had held onto this video (and others like it of other potential victims) for exactly this purpose.


Thanks for this. I was going to post something similar but you saved me the trouble.

There are probably hundreds of millions of videos of cam girls. New ones are created in thousands of sites very minute of every day. It's very likely that Spring's videos are long gone off the internet, replace by the years of new live videos on that site. 

And like you say, the thread is extortion. This 'friend' could up the anty and threaten to send them to Spring's work, or to her husband's work. There is all kinds of threats she can make.

Seeing a lawyer and/or going to the police would be to let this 'friend' know that he will be pursued criminally and in civil court for harassing, trying to cause harm and blackmail.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Honestly, I wasn't worried because he didn't flip out, call her names and just took it all in. He needed some time to think and process the information uninterrupted. Plus, he probably had some anger he needed to vent which would have put her in a much worse state.
> 
> I'm glad he was able to assure you divorce wasn't in the works and he loved you.


This is true but he probably is still going to be hurt for a while and dealing with some stuff. That's OK, now is the time to help him OP. I also think the Poly is still a good idea, just tell him you are doing it because you want him to have no doubts and it's your penance for not being honest. 

I think his healing will be dependent on how much of a lead you take in making it right. I think from your post you are happy you are closer but you will be even closer if you can go through this and you help him heal. That will make him feel closer to you, like you now feel to him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> Will this suffice....


I too hope for the best...

Let us hope he does not let this eat at him in the years to come. It is still Early, Wynn.


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