# Should I go?



## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I have been invited to my cousins daughters birthday party and I don't know whether to go or not. 

The problem is that I have had an urgument with his mother (my aunt).

The urgument has been ongoing for about 2 years and has to do with my grandmothers will. 

The last time I spoke to either of them was April at my aunts house for my grandmothers 12 month memorial. I decided at that time that I didn't want to see my aunt anymore because she has said too many hateful things about my family. 

I don't really have any ill feelings towards my cousins but do not want to see his mother.

So do I go to the birthday party to see my cousin and his family or not go because I don't want to see my aunt?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Go for your cousin. It's not your aunt's birthday, after all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, this is about your niece, not your aunt. Surely you can be civil for two hours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, you go.

Why would you let this toxic woman break your family apart?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Yes, you should absolutely go. 

Please don't be like my in-laws and blow this out of proportion, causing all sorts of drama. Your cousin and her daughter want you there and they did nothing wrong, so why punish them for something your aunt did? Be the adult and just act civil while you are there.


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

It looks like everyone thinks I should go

I just wish that my aunt would say sorry for all the things she has said but she never will. I hate that I have to be civil to her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We shouldn't treat people the same way they treat us. We should treat them the same way we want them to treat us. And they just might learn from your good behavior; they sure as hell won't learn GOOD behavior from your BAD behavior.

And realizing that someone won't apologize is just part of growing and learning. To stop tilting at windmills.


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I didn't end up going. In the end I can not get over what my aunt has done to my family. 
My brother did go and said he just talked to my cousin and their friends.
I'm glad I didn't go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I feel sorry for you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Personally I wouldn't go.

Let's face it, your relationship with your cousin has been pretty much killed by her mother.

Although I don't agree that it should spill onto her, truth is, it does and it does effect EVERYTHING. And deep inside, you know very well that your cousin was most likely brainwashed by their mother.

But for a second, let's be positive and assume that she didn't effect your cousin AT ALL.

If you guys had a relationship of ANY kind, you would've seen her, you would've made effort, she would've too and be part of each others lives on regular basis. But BOTH of you were not.

Anyways, now you see why I hate birthdays and the reason why I recommend not to go. I do NOT like to show "love" on one special. 
*
To me, I value people that show me love and are part of my life on regular basis.*

If you were to go, you would be "that person that cares for 1 day and 1 day only". There would be no hiding it and your cousin would know that.

Meh, pass


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Explain that to the niece who didn't understand why she didn't show up. All she knows is her aunt doesn't care enough to come to her party when everyone else did.


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

Don't feel sorry for me

I agree with DoF because i do think my cousin may side with his mother.

I have only seen him a couple of times in the last year and before the argument we saw each other every month at least.

I was also close to my other cousin's wife and the last 2 times I have seen her, she has not even spoke to me. We used to speak on the phone every week.

I am glad I didn't go because I don't want to feel the sadness and sometimes anger I feel when I see them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Anastasia72 said:


> I am glad I didn't go because I don't want to feel the sadness and sometimes anger I feel when I see them.


So when you go to a wedding, do you go so that YOU can feel happiness? Or do you go because you know the bride or groom would feel happy to see you show up? 

This shouldn't have been about you. It should have been about your niece. But you adults have turned this into a spitting contest and the kids are the battleground. So I will feel sorry for you, that you can't be enlightened enough to think about something more than your own self-centered universe. Maybe some day when you're 80 and being given a birthday party, maybe one of your last, your niece can return the favor by not attending since, hey, _she _wasn't important enough for _you _to attend _hers_, right? That's apparently just how your world works.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why do you keep saying niece when OP has said it's her cousin many times?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's her cousin's daughter who had the party.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cousin's daughter is cousin once removed, most just say cousin


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> why do you keep saying niece when OP has said it's her cousin many times?


Yes! Her niece would be her sister's daughter.


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I will tell you about the argument so you can tell me if I should forgive and forget.

My mum & dad lived with my grandmother from when they got married in1971. It was my grandmothers house, however, my dad finished paying the mortgage. Over the years my parents did extensive extensions on the house. My grandmother put half the house in my dads name and told him that she would leave her half of the house to him when she died and she had a will drawn up stating this. She also helped my aunt financially with her house. So both houses were paid off. My grandmother then gave up work and my parents supported her for 35 years.

Everything was fine, my aunt was happy with this arrangement. Then my dad died. The house reverted into my grandmothers name. My aunt and my mum argued about my dad's funeral and my aunt told my mum to get out the house.

My mum stayed though and lived with my grandmother, caring for her. Then my grandmother died and mum found out she wasn't mentioned in the will. My aunt told her to get out. However, my mum wanted to stay in the house so she paid my aunt the money for the house. My mum had no money and no job, so she went back to school at 60 and got a job to get a loan ( she had not worked for 15 years). So my aunt got her money in April and I have not spoken to her and her sons since then. It took 12 months for my mum to pay her out and my aunt rang me every week to see where the money was.
My aunt also said some terrible things about my father, like he abused my grandmother, which is totally untrue 
My aunt is actually still angry at us for not paying her sooner.
Writing this out actually makes me angry that my mum did the right things all those years and she gets shafted in the end.
What do you think?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you have turned what could have been a carefree life full of love and affection and no worry into a hate-filled, spite-filled, revenge-filled life that NOBODY could enjoy, and that hurts other people - all because of a freaking amount of money.

You can't take money with you when you die. But you have turned your life into a miserable existence just because of money. It's very sad.

I'm 56. I've lived through utterly dead-broke times, I've lived through times when our retirement investor said he couldn't do anything for us because we're so set up for the future., and I've gone back to living paycheck to paycheck. And I'm here to tell you that living for money is NOT the way to go. PLEASE don't let it make your decisions for you. In the end, all that matters in life is your relationships with people 

And, btw, forgiving isn't done because someone deserves it. It's done for YOU, so that YOU can live a stress-free life and be proud of your life, once you're on your deathbed.

Look up Buddhism. It might help.


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I don't know why you think I care only about money. I didn't get any and my mum didn't either. All she asked for was time to get a job and a loan to pay my aunt for the house. My aunt treated us poorly because she wanted the money 6 weeks after my grandmother passed away.

If my aunt cared for family, she should have been grateful that my mum cared for her mother. Instead she told her to get out.

I am not being spiteful I just don't want to see her because it makes me angry.

Out of sight, out of mind.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you do that to everyone/everything that causes you to not get what you want? You'll end up alone and angry.

Therapists will tell you that you're giving her power over you. That, to lead a better life, you should let GO of that power she has, dismiss her, and live your life as if she and her conniving never happened. Look at all the other people you didn't get to spend time with just because you are too busy nurturing that injury to you.


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I have dismissed her and this was after 2 years of trying to get along. 

And don't forget she is angry with me.

So do you think if someone treats you disrespectfully, you should say nothing and get along. Should I have let her walk all over me. I will always stick up for myself and she didn't like it

Oh well, I'm sick of talking about it. I didn't go and that is the end of it.

Thank you for your help


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How would the two of you together at A CHILD'S party equal to her walking all over you?


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## Anastasia72 (Jun 9, 2013)

I am talking about my aunt trying to walk all over me for the last 2 years.

Why would I go to a party where I have to feel uncomfortable in their presence, knowing that they have talked about me behind my back. 

The child has only seen me twice in a year, she would not have even noticed if I was there or not.

Haven't you not spoken to someone anymore for things they have said in the past?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> Why would I go to a party where I have to feel uncomfortable in their presence, knowing that they have talked about me behind my back.


Because the pathetic people are the ones talking behind others' backs. The people to be RESPECTED are those who can rise above that, show grace, turn the other cheek, and say to everyone, 'yes, it's so sad she has to be that way; she stole from us and yet she still can't help talking bad about us; how sad for her.' Because if you WENT to that party with your head held high, the people there would have learned to have respect for you; instead, all they got was you showing that YOU are being petty, giving reason to believe whatever she says. You did her own work for her.

The only person I've not spoken to for things they said was my stepmother, who started a rumor against my husband and got us run out of town. We lost everything we had and had to start all over. So, yeah, I wrote her off. I did NOT write off the REST of the family because of HER. 

It wasn't HER party, anastasia. It was a child's. If you can't find enough grace inside you to be an adult for a child's sake, then I still feel sorry for you. I'm guessing you're in your 20s or 30s? Give it time. You'll eventually (hopefully) realize that spending your whole life basing decisions on slights (or lack thereof) does only one thing: wastes your one life. It's your choice. But someday you'll wake up and realize you missed out on a LOT of great things you could have been part of just because you were too busy nursing grudges.


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