# Valentines Day in a Sexless Marriage



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

For those of you in a sexless marriage, what if anything do you do to note the Day?


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Well I think that answers your question..


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i wouldnt give my wife the time of day, nevermind acknowledge valentines day. and i get the same treatment back so its a wash


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I gave my wife a gift and card which seemed very happy with. I think v day is such a hallmark holiday but I figure it's no big deal to buy her a gift anyway! Since we dont have sex any other days of the year I have no expectations that I would have sex on v day so I am not disappointed because that's just the way our relationship is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I bought her a big Mylar heart balloon and we went out to lunch.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

Played with my dog and had a half bottle of wine.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While in a sexless marriage, I always thought that NOT doing something would just extend the sexless period. So I made sure I did something on that day and guess what? The sexless period just continued.

If you aren't addressing it before Valentines Day, doing something that day isn't going to help.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I consider my marriage pretty close to sexless; once or twice a month, and problems associated with that!

My H is sick with a bad cold right now, so I knew there'd be no sex on the table...but I bought valentine's cupcakes for the family, and he surprised me with a card and a Pandora charm with his initial (matches the one with my initial). He loves me. We're working on the sexless part. I'm very encouraged.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

He mumbled "happy valentine's day" over the phone from work, which I do appreciate, though by this point, any gesture of affection from him (not that they happen much) feels kind of creepy.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

I didn't acknowledge valentines day at all -the I knew she wouldn't acknowledge it either. Not sure if she had expected it or not. But I did wish others happy v day. 

There's nothing happy neither special on this day for us. She never has expressed appreciation for me.

So on this v day I told her of the news that I will be moving out shortly and separating - more than likely it will lead to divorce. Not what I want but its necessary for me to to get more of a sane mind.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Monty4321 said:


> I didn't acknowledge valentines day at all -the I knew she wouldn't acknowledge it either. Not sure if she had expected it or not. But I did wish others happy v day.
> 
> There's nothing happy neither special on this day for us. She never has expressed appreciation for me.
> 
> So on this v day I told her of the news that I will be moving out shortly and separating - more than likely it will lead to divorce. Not what I want but its necessary for me to to get more of a sane mind.


sad to say i am right there with ya


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

Exchanged cards and I sent flowers to her at work ... didn't work ... again!


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I consider my marriage pretty close to sexless; once or twice a month, and problems associated with that!
> 
> My H is sick with a bad cold right now, so I knew there'd be no sex on the table...but I bought valentine's cupcakes for the family, and he surprised me with a card and a Pandora charm with his initial (matches the one with my initial). He loves me. We're working on the sexless part. I'm very encouraged.


It's all perspective but once or twice a month doesn't sound even close to sexless to me! Now, zero times per year which is what goes on in my relationship is sexless.. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> It's all perspective but once or twice a month doesn't sound even close to sexless to me! Now, zero times per year which is what goes on in my relationship is sexless..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some complain about once a week! I'd probably be walking funny if I got it once a week! Limp, limp!


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## sadhubby (Jan 31, 2012)

She got the same as me nothing .....never even acknowledge the day not a kiss or a word of love


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

same, although we have all but split up as of two weeks ago.

I gave her NOTHING. i did see her reading the valentines adds in the paper at lunch time though looking...


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

Been a number of years ago but I after eight or so years in a virtual sexless marriage I'd spend it with one of my several different mistresses. The next few years wasn't sexless. I finally ended the so called marriage, lost most of my assets, but gained the peace of mind and living a lie. My situation is now different.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> It's all perspective but once or twice a month doesn't sound even close to sexless to me! Now, zero times per year which is what goes on in my relationship is sexless..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup, twice a month would be an orgy around here.... but I believe the definition of sexless is 6 times per year or less. We average 0-3 times per year.


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## studley (Oct 19, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> Yup, twice a month would be an orgy around here.... but I believe the definition of sexless is 6 times per year or less. We average 0-3 times per year.


I read that sexless is 10 times/year or less. Twice a year would be an orgy at mine


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is V-Day about sex? I thought it was a silly romantic holiday about romance.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

isla~mama said:


> Yup, twice a month would be an orgy around here.... but I believe the definition of sexless is 6 times per year or less. We average 0-3 times per year.


How in the world can people who have sex more than zero times in a year be living in a "sexless" marriage?! I realize that is not your definition so I am not poking fun at you..but who was the genius that came up with that definition? 

Two parts to the word: Sex and Less = Without sex. Right? So how can a couple that has sex be sexless? 

Consider the following: If you see someone who is "shirtless", what does that mean to you? It means he is not wearing a shirt, right?!

Anyway.. I am just pedantic...sorry about that.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> How in the world can people who have sex more than zero times in a year be living in a "sexless" marriage?! I realize that is not your definition so I am not poking fun at you..but who was the genius that came up with that definition?
> 
> Two parts to the word: Sex and Less = Without sex. Right? So how can a couple that has sex be sexless?
> 
> ...


Well if he only wore a shirt twice a year I think most people would call him shirtless, or her honey.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

I got a greeting only after I greeted him. Nothing different than any other day; fall asleep on my own wakeup w/o even knowing he jumped into bed. Yay me... *sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

After 25 years in a sexless marriage nothing is given and nothing is expected.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> How in the world can people who have sex more than zero times in a year be living in a "sexless" marriage?! I realize that is not your definition so I am not poking fun at you..but who was the genius that came up with that definition?
> 
> Two parts to the word: Sex and Less = Without sex. Right? So how can a couple that has sex be sexless?
> 
> ...


I think sexless is just an easier term than "very rarely have sex." :scratchhead: I have to be very careful when I phrase things with my husband, because if I say "we don't have sex," he's quick to point out that we do-- once a year or so-- but technically we still do, so what am I complaining about... :banghead:

I heard the 6X or less definition on a talkshow once so have used that as my benchmark ever since.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Years ago I tried researching the origin of the 10 times a year or less definition of sexless marriage and despite many hours of research I could never find the original citation. It is just something that is repeated over and over again by Sexperts pushing books and know-nothing Journalists who once in awhile write about sexless marriages.

You are either in a sexless marriage or you're not. If you are having sex just once a year you are NOT in a sexless marriage. Saying you are is an insult to those who really are not having any sex at all in their marriages- many for years or even decades.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Before the day of no fault divorce in the US, 18 months of no sex was considered the legal definition of constructive abandonment. So I guess that legally speaking sex less often than that is sexless.


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## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

Mr B said:


> After 25 years in a sexless marriage nothing is given and nothing is expected.


Can relate to that. To some that might sound insensitive but talk a walk in my shoes and then comment.

Birthdays, anniversaries, V day have been sexless just like any other day. 

V day for me was on the motorbike for a while while she watches some cooking or reality show. Better that way, at least avoid being accused of being oversexed, or "I'm not here to give you pleasure" bla bla bla. 

She hates the motorbike, I love it. She aint taking that pleasure away. Say no more.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Before the day of no fault divorce in the US, 18 months of no sex was considered the legal definition of constructive abandonment. So I guess that legally speaking sex less often than that is sexless.


Although constructive abandonment can include sexual relations, I have never seen a time frame put on this before...it is very interesting! Where did you see this and what states did this apply to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> Although constructive abandonment can include sexual relations, I have never seen a time frame put on this before...it is very interesting! Where did you see this and what states did this apply to?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm aware of New York state until they went no fault.


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## Alpha Sud (Feb 19, 2012)

If I as the husband decided to get on the drink everyday or gamble constantly, we all would agree that this could be a problem for the family and I should stop or seek treatment.

Now, what if I refused ? Well what a low life uncaring bastard I am, I'm doing these things and ruining the family.

So if a wife ensures the marriage is sexless and this puts a strain on the marriage, this is acceptable ????

See my wife reckons there is no problem and really has no interest. But what about the impact on the marriage ?

Think I'm drawing a low bow, I dont think so.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm aware of New York state until they went no fault.


So I checked it out regading NY State and constructive abandondment could include refusing to have sex with your spouse for one year (so not even 18 months!). But there are conditions such as there cannot be sickness preventing it, there cannot be an agreement not to have sex, etc.

Now that no fault was instituted in 2010, it no longer matters anyway but thx for the info...good reading.


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## KristaBell (Feb 24, 2012)

We didn't have any money, so I made him his fave meal and I think I got a "happy valentines day" from him. When I was single I used to cry because I didn't have anyone to make it a special day with... seems like I'm pretty much in the same boat, just living with him.


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## AE86freak (Feb 24, 2012)

reading this kind of stuff makes me glad that my wife is old fashioned and Christian and believes that it's her duty to make sure I am sexually satisfied and visa versa.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

AE86freak said:


> reading this kind of stuff makes me glad that my wife is old fashioned and Christian and believes that it's her duty to make sure I am sexually satisfied and visa versa.



I won't describe that belief as "old fashioned" and though it is often claimed as a growing view point among some Christians, I wouldn't describe it as traditional.

However, no matter its origin congrats and I hope you guys stay happy.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Since I didn't answer my own question,

This year I bought her a card on behalf of my son. It was cute but not remotely romantic. In the past couple of years the lack of romance seemed to have escaped her notice but this year she didn't say anything but I detected a note of sadness.


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