# Disturbing Email



## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

In July 2012, by wife's father passed away. Since then our relationship has been on rocky soil. For the 2-4 months after her father's death I felt that my wife emotional detachment from me was due to her grieving process. Since then my wife has grown very cold to me. For example, she doesn't even let me touch her, hold her hand and give her back massages. When she takes a shower she covers up as if Im some stranger. She went to her mother's house without me and didn't want me to go with her. I felt something was wrong and tried to talk to her, but she says it's because of the way I spoke to her and how I hurt her. True, we had our arguments, but I never abused her verbally, curse or hit her. Sometimes, we say things we later regret, but that happened to both of us. We had some sit down talks together to try to work things out. We discussed what we want from this marriage. My view of marriage is that I want to be close, intimate and loving. Her view is that we can just be "good friends". I tell her that I dont just want be friends, but want a more closer relationship. She admits that she doesnt have the feelings like she used to.

Meanwhile, Im trying to figure this whole thing out. What has changed? Yes, her father died, but many parents die. That doesn't mean you dont love your spouse anymore. She does say that I wasnt there emotionally for her. In my opinion, I felt I did everything I could. 

I started to grow suspicious that another person was involved. This whole thing just didnt make sense to me. I have asked her many times if she is involved, and she said no. I just didnt know what else to do. I had to do investigation that involved going into her private email. I didnt want to do this, but I just didnt understand why she has grown cold. So without her knowing I got into her email.

It came about that I came across a email that was very disturbing. Essentially, earlier this year (April) she has been talking with her girlfriend about our situation. Apparently, some other guys have sent her flowers and gave her a hypothetical proposals. She has had communication with other men. Her friend in the email gave her good advice, such as prayer, cutting off communication, and of course telling me, her husband, about the situation. I found this very disturbing to read. She has not said anything to me about this issue. This could be the reason why she has grown cold to me because her feelings are to someone else. 

I need to discuss and confront her about this and let her see the email I am referring too. She can't deny it as its from her friend. Of course, I went through her email without her knowing, but in the end my suspicions were right. So my question is.. how do I go about bringing up a issue like this? She will probably be very upset and angry. Do you think I was wrong going through her email? I feel as a husband I have so many questions such as... Who it was she was talking too? How did it start? Did she end the communication? Why didnt she come to me with this?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *In July 2012, by wife's father passed away.* *Since then our relationship has been on rocky soil.*
> 
> she says it's because of the way I spoke to her and how I hurt her.
> 
> ...


It looks like since July 2012 you really haven't been listening or have been tuned in to your wife. There were things she needed from you over a year ago that you either did not come through with or ignored. In all fairness, she may not have expressed what she needed from you in a clear and direct manner, but the grief process is very different for everyone. The point is that she needed something from you, and instead has been hurt by you for not providing it.

The information you got from the email regarding the other men in her life sniffing around is very helpful in giving you some direction to go in... but, it's is a symptom of the true problems with the two of you. When you take care of the source of the problem, the symptoms disappear.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> It looks like since July 2012 you really haven't been listening or have been tuned in to your wife. There were things she needed from you over a year ago that you either did not come through with or ignored. In all fairness, she may not have expressed what she needed from you in a clear and direct manner, but the grief process is very different for everyone. The point is that she needed something from you, and instead has been hurt by you for not providing it.
> 
> The information you got from the email regarding the other men in her life sniffing around is very helpful in giving you some direction to go in... but, it's is a symptom of the true problems with the two of you. When you take care of the source of the problem, the symptoms disappear.


With all due respect, now is not the time to be taking this approach. His wife is already violating their marriage vows at this point, exchanging sexual messages with another man. Trying to "be more emotionally available" now is not going to bring her back into the marriage. What you call a "symptom" is an active choice by another person, not a byproduct, and now it has become its own problem with a life independent from whatever other problems are in their marriage. The infidelity is what needs to be addressed first.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

John Lee said:


> With all due respect, now is not the time to be taking this approach. His wife is already violating their marriage vows at this point, exchanging sexual messages with another man. Trying to "be more emotionally available" now is not going to bring her back into the marriage. What you call a "symptom" is an active choice by another person, not a byproduct, and now it has become its own problem with a life independent from whatever other problems are in their marriage. The infidelity is what needs to be addressed first.


What infidelity? Flowers, proposals, and communications... that's all he has. And a friend's plea to her teetering friend to put the brakes on and talk to her husband... which she hasn't done yet.

So he should be doing more of the same is what you're saying? Ignoring her and instead deflect the issue to her possible cheating? I don't agree with that. She's been engaged in this behavior for a reason... whether it's dissatisfaction with herself or her husband, or both. She's flat out told him what she wants from him.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> It looks like since July 2012 you really haven't been listening or have been tuned in to your wife. There were things she needed from you over a year ago that you either did not come through with or ignored. In all fairness, she may not have expressed what she needed from you in a clear and direct manner, but the grief process is very different for everyone. The point is that she needed something from you, and instead has been hurt by you for not providing it.
> 
> The information you got from the email regarding the other men in her life sniffing around is very helpful in giving you some direction to go in... but, it's is a symptom of the true problems with the two of you. When you take care of the source of the problem, the symptoms disappear.


:iagree:

During the grieving process people can do all sorts of things that are out of character, but the communications with other men needs to stop. The OP needs to address these issues with his W in order to protect his marriage, and MC might be a good place to do this.


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

I hear what you both are saying. I do not think she actually slept with the guy or guys, in fact, she may even has cut it off. I guess my biggest issue is how to bring the issue up? Do I just come right out and say what I did and found out?

Also, as far as not being there emotionally, I thought I did everything I can. On the day her dad died at the hospital I picked her up at her job and drove her to the hospital. I spent a few days with her at her mom's house. I bought her a beautiful anniversary ring in March 2013. Short from raising her father back from the dead, what else could I've done. I thought I was there for her.

I would ask her at times what does she need from me, and she would give me an answer such as "you should know by now." I am clueless when it comes to knowing what someone needs. I need it spelled out.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> During the grieving process people can do all sorts of things that are out of character, but the communications with other men needs to stop. The OP needs to address these issues with his W in order to protect his marriage, and MC might be a good place to do this.


Yes. A neutral 3rd party may have to get involved. They aren't communicating, nor are they on the same page that much is apparent.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

First off, she's cheating on you. Standard cheater behavior to the T of everything you said.

The disturbing emails are just the confirmation of that.

You're expectation that she comes clean on this is just you being a good, trusting guy who is about to get the naivety slapped out of him by a cheating wife. Welcome to the club...

This is VERY normal for someone whose parent has died. It happened to me. But what I realized later is that although the death of her father seemed to kick her into some extreme lying sl*t, the signs and red flags were there before and I just didn't notice them. Almost like she was lying dormant, and the death brought out the extremes to the point where she couldn't contain it anymore.

You're life is about to get turned upside down, so be prepared for some real heartache. Start going to therapy NOW, because she is going to make you feel crazy.

You are a GOOD man, and this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Standard cheaters behavior is to make you out to be the bad guy to justify herself that what she is doing is OK.

Ask the mods to move this to Coping With Infidelity.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

db52993 said:


> I hear what you both are saying. I do not think she actually slept with the guy or guys, in fact, she may even has cut it off. I guess my biggest issue is how to bring the issue up? Do I just come right out and say what I did and found out?
> 
> Also, as far as not being there emotionally, I thought I did everything I can. On the day her dad died at the hospital I picked her up at her job and drove her to the hospital. I spent a few days with her at her mom's house. I bought her a beautiful anniversary ring in March 2013. Short from raising her father back from the dead, what else could I've done. I thought I was there for her.
> 
> I would ask her at times what does she need from me, and she would give me an answer such as "you should know by now." * I am clueless when it comes to knowing what someone needs. I need it spelled out*.


^ Did you tell her that? 

Picking her up, spending time with her at mom's... great stuff. BUT. She needed more. Again, it's unfortunate she couldn't come out and tell you... death can do strange things to people. Being there emotionally for a person is very subjective. Buying things, doing things for them... these could be wonderful expressions of care for one person, but your wife may be the type that doesn't see love in that. It may be something YOU would appreciate if you were in her shoes.

As far as the email, there is no delicate way to bring it up. You found it, you saw it, you have questions. Spell it out for HER. You need some answers based on what you found. You're her husband and should know what's going on in your marriage.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

db52993 said:


> We discussed what we want from this marriage. My view of marriage is that I want to be close, intimate and loving. Her view is that we can just be "good friends".


This to me is a deal breaker. 

You need to be firm with her. If she wants you as a 'good friend', then it is time for divorce. 

Then she can find all the 'good friends' she wants and you can find a wife. Which should be so much more than that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

db52993 said:


> I hear what you both are saying. I do not think she actually slept with the guy or guys, in fact, she may even has cut it off. I guess my biggest issue is how to bring the issue up? Do I just come right out and say what I did and found out?
> 
> Also, as far as not being there emotionally, I thought I did everything I can. On the day her dad died at the hospital I picked her up at her job and drove her to the hospital. I spent a few days with her at her mom's house. I bought her a beautiful anniversary ring in March 2013. Short from raising her father back from the dead, what else could I've done. I thought I was there for her.


Only you can know the best way to approach your W, because you know her better than we do. I was suspicious of something once and read some emails on my SO's PC, and confronted him straight away (this is what brought me to TAM). He was angry with me for spying on him, but I refused to back down and we fortunately managed to sort the matter out. This may or may not work with your W, however... But what is your alternative? Visit this site:- Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"



> I would ask her at times what does she need from me, and she would give me an answer such as "you should know by now." I am clueless when it comes to knowing what someone needs. I need it spelled out.


Usually, I would describe your W's response as passive aggressive, but given the grieving process - this may or may not be so. Is she usually passive aggressive?

Perhaps it's time to find out what you both need from one another, and you could start by finding out your love languages:- Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Okay that whole "you should know" crap really irritates me. Humans are not good at mind reading so either we have a real talk and get all the issues on the table or we go see a MC or a lawyer


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

db52993 said:


> I hear what you both are saying. I do not think she actually slept with the guy or guys, in fact, she may even has cut it off. I guess my biggest issue is how to bring the issue up? Do I just come right out and say what I did and found out?
> 
> Also, as far as not being there emotionally, I thought I did everything I can. On the day her dad died at the hospital I picked her up at her job and drove her to the hospital. I spent a few days with her at her mom's house. I bought her a beautiful anniversary ring in March 2013. Short from raising her father back from the dead, what else could I've done. I thought I was there for her.
> 
> I would ask her at times what does she need from me, and she would give me an answer such as "you should know by now." I am clueless when it comes to knowing what someone needs. I need it spelled out.


"You do not think", You do not think because you are trusting. All of us were at first. You can Google "signs a wife is cheating" and your wife will exhibit all the behaviors, like mine did, but you will still deny it. Because you are a trusting individual and expect the best of your wife, the woman you have loved for many years.

Your wife did sleep with someone else though. That recoil like it burns when you touch her is her own personal shame and guilt manifesting as you being repulsive to her. It is the best sign that she had actual physical intercourse with another person.

Read some stories on the CWI forum to see the deception and dishonesty and smack of reality that thousands of men in your position have gone through. Getting you to see that you are not unique and that your wife does not bathe in holy water is usually the hardest step. But it's one we all had to go through (except for the ones that got divorced thinking it just wasn't working out).

First step, do not bring up anything about the cheating for any reason. It will not do any good. NO cheater is ever going to admit to it, and they will only admit to what you have actual proof of. Meaning that if you have pictures of them having sex, she will only admit to that one time. The fake remorse you will get from this confrontation will probably be enough to lull you back into thinking your marriage can be saved. Especially if you don't have any proof and she can talk her way out of it.

The correct approach in these situations is always to hand her D papers, tell her you know the deal (but don't reveal any details), and let her actions over the D process show you where her heart is at. If she consistently over many months shows she made a mistake, then you can use that to make your decision. If after a week or two she starts screwing the whole town, you know where you stood.

Whatever happens, I want to give you a few pieces of advice.

1. You will make mistakes during this. We all did, no one handles this well because it is a serious life-altering event you were not prepared for. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes.

2. Know that this will pass, and you can use this period in your life to be a stepping stone to a better life. I am definitely a better man and a better person for having gone through my story. Though it's hard to accept when the pain is fresh, you WILL get through this, and probably be happier in the long run.

3. You did NOT do anything wrong. Do not accept her lies that there was something you could have done differently to prevent this. Nothing you did warrants cheating, ever.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

BTW, I think I may have partially confused the OP with another post I read -- I thought there was something about a flirty e-mail and her sending photos to a guy showing off her cleavage.


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

Thank you all for your post and giving me some direction on how to handle the situation.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I found your other post from this past May. There are some clues in the things you mention back then that paint a picture for why your wife is distanced from you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/dealin...-changed-after-fathers-death.html#post1673524


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Two things.

Have this moved to CWI

And get these books.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

His Needs, Her Needs


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

Yes.. back in May I wrote my first post in the forum. At that time, I thought that maybe the past has affected her and that she needed to vent. Only now, is it coming to light - with regard to the email I discovered, about why I think she felt the way she did. 

I am going to confront her. At this point what else can I lose. If she is angry, so what. I need to get to the bottom of this.

The truth will eventually come out.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

CoGuy is posting in the extreme, but essentially he is most likely correct. Sorry. 

Get this moved to CWI. 

Stop questioning yourself. You love her, feel you have been there for her, have tried. Ignore the standard counselling mantra of 'spouse cheated and therefore it is your fault because your spouse was being neglected'....i.e. fix the source of the problem, problem solved. This is so wrong. Sometimes the source is not you, sometimes the source is that your SO that has found extra curricular excitement elsewhere....and you know what the cheating mantra is? It is you. Your fault. You neglected me. You weren't there for me. 

They rewrite the marriage to suit their reasoning and to 'ok' their behaviour in their own head. 

If this worst case scenario is the case, you need to now be hard in your actions. The CWI section will give you all the advice you need to deal with this correctly.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

db52993 said:


> Yes.. back in May I wrote my first post in the forum. At that time, I thought that maybe the past has affected her and that she needed to vent. Only now, is it coming to light - with regard to the email I discovered, about why I think she felt the way she did.
> 
> I am going to confront her. At this point what else can I lose. If she is angry, so what. I need to get to the bottom of this.


What do you hope to gain from this?

If she's cheating she's going to deny it like crazy. If you show her the emails she's going to say sorry she didn't mean to it was just one time and she'll never do it again.

You're never going to get full disclosure, only trickle truth and false remorse. You're in a vulnerable spot and you're going to accept this as true remorse because you want to believe her. Also, she's going to see that you have access to her email and if she continues the affair she's going to take it much further underground so that you'd never be able to spot it.

First rule in cheaters, NEVER reveal details of what you know.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It was ONE email from a friend of hers to her. He did not find emails (plural) to other men, or any other evidence of cheating. In the email the friend talked to her about her interactions with guys she has been communicating with, and the friend discouraged it and suggested she speak to her husband.

The right thing to do is to tell her what he found. This email is a clue to some of the things wrong in their marriage...not all. She is entirely responsible for her own happiness, but the reaching out to others doesn't happen in a vacuum. A series of events/feelings lead to that, whether they are born from dissatisfaction with life or a tragedy.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It was ONE email from a friend of hers to her. He did not find emails (plural) to other men, or any other evidence of cheating. In the email the friend talked to her about her interactions with guys she has been communicating with, and the friend discouraged it and suggested she speak to her husband.
> 
> The right thing to do is to tell her what he found. This email is a clue to some of the things wrong in their marriage...not all. She is entirely responsible for her own happiness, but the reaching out to others doesn't happen in a vacuum. A series of events/feelings lead to that, whether they are born from dissatisfaction with life or a tragedy.


Because after posting messages to other men, which a friend makes a point to TELL her to speak to her husband about, which she has not, and then RECOILING when he touches her and covering herself when naked, is a totally normal response.

This woman is so full of red flags that if she's not having sex with at least one other person I will give you my paychecks until christmas.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

COguy said:


> Because after posting messages to other men, which a friend makes a point to TELL her to speak to her husband about, which she has not, and then RECOILING when he touches her and covering herself when naked, is a totally normal response.



Yeah, the recoiling and covering herself are indicators that she either totally detests her husband or that she's 'loyal' to someone else.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

COguy said:


> Because after posting messages to other men, which a friend makes a point to TELL her to speak to her husband about, which she has not, and then RECOILING when he touches her and covering herself when naked, is a totally normal response.
> 
> This woman is so full of red flags that if she's not having sex with at least one other person I will give you my paychecks until christmas.


The recoiling and actions have been going on since September 2012 (he said 2-4 months after Dad died she kind of checked out). The behavior has gotten progressively WORSE since then.

The email was just discovered. It was written in April 2013. Maybe she's been screwing the entire town they live in RIGHT after Dad passed away... I won't support that yet, and that's usually the first thought to cross my mind. He did due diligence to search for more and found nothing but this email from almost 6 months ago.

I wouldn't be able to sit on that. It's like reading a page of her diary... he's gotten a peek into her head that he didn't have before. Read his other thread... it's very informative and so is this one, but IMO they don't CONFIRM she's sleeping with other men.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She apparently got flowers from other men, and communicated with them in secret, and did not tell her husband when coaxed to by a friend. On what planet is that OK?!?!?! If I did ANY of those things, I would fully expect my husband to hit the effing roof. Regardless of her father passing away or history of behaviour or whatever.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He also has no clue what else she's been up to because he's scared to look.

Seriously, OP, have this moved to CWI.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> She apparently got flowers from other men, and communicated with them in secret, and did not tell her husband when coaxed to by a friend. On what planet is that OK?!?!?! If I did ANY of those things, I would fully expect my husband to hit the effing roof. Regardless of her father passing away or history of behaviour or whatever.


No where did I say it was ok. It's not. Not to me, or you, and certainly not to the OP... and he plans to talk to her about all of that, though some here think he should NOT.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't think he should say anything to her until he tries to find out on his own who these men were and exactly what she did with them.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

^ I agree.

If she had nothing to hide but a few communications between men - she would have taken her friend's advice and she would not be covering up her body in front of him. It is obvious that she still has womanly needs - just not from her husband. 

Her telling him that 'he should have known what to say to her' is her way of justifying her infidelity. That is her way of saying, "Hey, if you knew me and what I like to hear, I would not be interacting with other men." Point blank.

I mean c'mon, at the end of the day, what more could this guy have done to help her through the loss of a parent? I wouldn't even know what to do - my view has always been 'that's life; you can't live the rest of yours depressed about it.' His wife would have thrown me to the curb for that reaction. 

This is not your fault, remember that. Your wife cheated--and kept it completely underground--and she will use the death of her parent as a piece of her reasoning. It's typical stuff. She could also be going through the whole 'life is to short' thing now, too. No one knows. She won't tell you even if you ask. Honestly--the way this was all hidden--your only chance of recovering valuable information is through that very friend that was on your side. She could possibly be the only hope you have to hear what really happened.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She probably doesn't have anyone right now, more like she is enamored with the idea of being available for Mr Perfect should he ever show up.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I call BS on your wife. She needs to stop this. NOW.

My dad died in July 2012 too. I don't cheat on my husband or blame him for not "being there for me".

My trust in my husband took a big hit when the night my dad died - less than 24 hours after he had died - my husband kept plans with his parents and sister and went out for dinner with them (his mum's birthday but that shouldn't matter), leaving me home alone.

In my darkest hour, I was alone. I felt terribly let down and betrayed by my husband. I nearly left him over it. But I didn't, we resolved it by turning TO each other, not away from each other as your wife has done. I won't lie, it still affects me...but for the most part we have moved on from it and are in a good place.

There is no excuse for cheating. No matter what. Your wife needs to stop this crap now and talk to her husband.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

db52993 said:


> For the 2-4 months after her father's death I felt that my wife emotional detachment from me was due to her grieving process. Since then my wife has grown very cold to me. For example, she doesn't even let me touch her, hold her hand and give her back massages. When she takes a shower she covers up as if Im some stranger. She went to her mother's house without me and didn't want me to go with her. I felt something was wrong and tried to talk to her, but she says it's because of the way I spoke to her and how I hurt her.


Cheaters know they are doing the wrong thing, so they often demonize their spouse to create excuses for what they are doing. A common strategy is to go cold and shut you out, then when you complain about it or get angry, she'll use your anger as an excuse to distance herself even further from you. 



A Bit Much said:


> It looks like since July 2012 you really haven't been listening or have been tuned in to your wife. There were things she needed from you over a year ago that you either did not come through with or ignored. In all fairness, she may not have expressed what she needed from you in a clear and direct manner, but the grief process is very different for everyone. The point is that she needed something from you, and instead has been hurt by you for not providing it.


What? He doesn't have ESP. If she didn't tell him what she needed, then her excuses for shutting him out are pretty thin.



> When you take care of the source of the problem, the symptoms disappear.


The problem here is her obsession with OM. Not sure how the OP is supposed to "take care" of that, unless you mean killing him!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *Theseus said:* What? He doesn't have ESP. If she didn't tell him what she needed, then her excuses for shutting him out are pretty thin.





> In all fairness, she may not have expressed what she needed from you in a clear and direct manner


I did say this ^. Maybe it wasn't clear what I meant by it.


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