# the status of our house now that I've filed



## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

Maybe you all can help me with the general answer because I'm not sure what to believe.

I am not living in the house and I don't want it. Period. As much as I love what it used to mean to me, it means nothing to me now. Besides all that, the bottom line is that I can't afford it. My H is in it now and does want to keep it. However, I'm extremely concerned that due to the amount of money that he makes and the other expenses he has, he could eventually get behind in payments. I want my name OFF of the mortgage, of course. The sooner, the better.

However, I did file and I guess that changes everything. I could have sworn I was told that he could refinance WHILE the divorce was being processed. No? 

I'll be completely honest. I'm freaked out about paying for the lawyer and the money from the equity in the house can really help. I'm freaked out about needing to buy my son new clothes this fall. 

I'm freaked out about EVERYTHING. He keeps saying that if he's not approved for some sort of special refinancing then we do have to sell and I'm responsible for half the closing and realtor's fees. 

This week, I had this strange amount of peace wash over me. My birthday was yesterday and several caring friends called to support me. I finally told my family (over email, but it's something!). I felt like I was very suddenly ready for the first step towards just accepting this whole stupid thing. Then he brings this up on my birthday now that he finally feels like communicating. (I've been asking for WEEKS about this.)

One step forward, two quickly back.

The whole point though.....the refinancing? Does it have to wait until the divorce is COMPLETELY final, as H told me? That sounds crazy. Some divorces take a year or more! (I really hope this doesn't take that long....) This just doesn't sound right.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think you need to get some legal advice based on where you live and how the house is currently financed.

Not keeping the house is a good idea, so many women get it in their head that they will keep the house as it represents security and we all know that our society tends to (wrongly) look down upon renters and glorify home ownership. 

Keeping expenses down to a minimum is a great idea, try not to worry about school clothes for a boy, they really don't care much what they wear. You can easily get things second hand, just wash and dry them at high heat to be on the safe side (this can be done at a Laundromat much more easily than at home.)

Legal advice can be had through various agencies and sometimes through universities. 

If there is equity in the home then you can pay a retainer to an attorney and settle up for services rendered after you receive a settlement in divorce. While this type of arrangement will help an attorney be motivated to get you a fair settlement, be careful of service agreements that have extra fees on the side. 

Not knowing what you're entitled to or what can be done can be very stressful. I think before I even filed for divorce I went to a consultation and paid just shy of $200 to ask questions such as what you are asking. I brought a breakdown of marital assets and individual assets (so far as I knew) plus a financial history of the house and got an estimate on what I could expect. 

I had already signed a quit claim to the deed and my name was not on the mortgage but of course you want to be very careful about letting your H do anything to refi the house before the divorce without very good legal representation on your part. He could do things like take out extra equity on the home, and your share would go poof?

Instead of guessing, I would make an appointment with an attorney. You can get a referral usual through a state/association legal referral center. Most states have these services.

You should also shop around to make sure you're satisfied with your attorney/legal rep.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I have a lawyer already. That's exactly _why_ I'm freaked out about money. I've paid the consultation, the retainer and already had to pay a big bill to keep my retainer balance up. I don't know if this is "normal" or not, but my mental health hinges on stability....and financial stability is basically most of that, you know? I need to know that I have money to pay rent to put a roof over my son's head. I need to know that I can feed my son. If I can't do those things, I feel like things may go downhill quickly....more than they already have. 

I certainly plan on asking my lawyer about the refinancing. I have a meeting with them this week. I just couldn't wait that long and Googling left me with a few different answers. I'm anxious, angry and impatient right now, I suppose. Not a good combo.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> I have a lawyer already. That's exactly _why_ I'm freaked out about money. I've paid the consultation, the retainer and already had to pay a big bill to keep my retainer balance up. I don't know if this is "normal" or not, but my mental health hinges on stability....and financial stability is basically most of that, you know? I need to know that I have money to pay rent to put a roof over my son's head. I need to know that I can feed my son. If I can't do those things, I feel like things may go downhill quickly....more than they already have.
> 
> I certainly plan on asking my lawyer about the refinancing. I have a meeting with them this week. I just couldn't wait that long and Googling left me with a few different answers. I'm anxious, angry and impatient right now, I suppose. Not a good combo.


You should discuss with your attorney about keeping track of his/her expenses and what sort of options you have for payment of these along the way. You could also look around for different attorneys if you can't get answers from the one you have.

I hope you are employed and have a plan for meeting all expenses on your own. You should certainly be receiving support for your child and if you need to even though you are not divorced you can apply for benefits: cash assistance, SNAP, free hot lunch, medical benefits for your son (even if he already has insurance, you may qualify for additional insurance on top of that which will cover deductibles and copayments, etc.)

You should have a plan not to rely on any of the settlement. Just the support if you need to, but ideally not even that.

Stability is everything, it allows you to play hardball when it comes to getting your fair share of settlement, so that you won't have to 'settle' out of desperation. Not that you shouldn't be getting support and settlement, it's better for your stress and for bargaining/negotiating if you aren't dependent on it at all.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

WantingToFly said:


> Maybe you all can help me with the general answer because I'm not sure what to believe.
> 
> I am not living in the house and I don't want it. Period. As much as I love what it used to mean to me, it means nothing to me now. Besides all that, the bottom line is that I can't afford it. My H is in it now and does want to keep it. However, I'm extremely concerned that due to the amount of money that he makes and the other expenses he has, he could eventually get behind in payments. I want my name OFF of the mortgage, of course. The sooner, the better.
> 
> ...


Refinancing during divorce is near impossible. Until you have a final divorce decree and the bank knows the real financial positions as far as child support or alimony or asset/debt division they just wont do it. 

This is one of the hang ups in divorce and finances. If your a community prop state even if the home was in his name only, you are married its half yours and the bank world treats it that way. The same goes for car loans, cc debt. 

If you sell the home, yes you are responsible for half the closing costs etc. You end up with a net number, the bank gets paid off and whatever is left get divided and in most cases its the best route to go for both parties to sell the home. Its sets the true value of the home, the debt gets eliminated and each obtain cash if you have equity to do what you want whether that be rent or purchase a new home.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

Oh, I'm completely financially independent. I have a good, stable job with (crappy) insurance. H is giving financial support to our son. I have savings. I realize that I am extremely fortunate to be starting my separation being able to say all of this.

However, I'm scared of the unknown. What if my car breaks down? What if this stupid divorce drags out and the legal bills just pile up no matter what? What if my son or I have a sudden medical emergency? I had a panic attack earlier this summer and I went to a weekend care clinic and they insisted that I go to the emergency room (because I mentioned that my heart was racing) and I got a $600 bill. My insurance sucks. I'm still paying it off (although I can pay it in full, I asked to space out the payments).

Savings can be wiped out in an instant. As you can tell, I'm a worrier. I _need_ security. The house equity/refinancing thing is just a part of that plan, you know?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Don't let the divorce drag on! If you can both agree to the division of assets up front (it will likely be 50/50 even if you drag it out with a trial) this will save a lot of wrangling and legal fees. Try to use a mediation service to come up with the agreement (much cheaper than an attorney) and then have your respective attorneys look over the document to make sure your best interests are served. Start stashing as much of your paycheck as you can for an emergency fund.

Divorces only drag out if you allow them to. Try to make your husband realize its in BOTH your best interests not to waste a bunch of money on ridiculous legal "maneuvers."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

I also don't have a clue what is coming next in this process. I'm not at all familiar with the lingo, the process.....I keep trying to read up on it more and the more I read, the more I get overwhelmed and just run away from it. 

I'm sure I will be more in the loop after my meeting this week, but I guess the scared part of me just assumes I'm going to have to pay my lawyer a million dollars simply because I don't _want_ to understand this crap. I don't want any part of it because I don't technically want this divorce in the first part.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> Oh, I'm completely financially independent. I have a good, stable job with (crappy) insurance. H is giving financial support to our son. I have savings. I realize that I am extremely fortunate to be starting my separation being able to say all of this.
> 
> However, I'm scared of the unknown. What if my car breaks down? What if this stupid divorce drags out and the legal bills just pile up no matter what? What if my son or I have a sudden medical emergency? I had a panic attack earlier this summer and I went to a weekend care clinic and they insisted that I go to the emergency room (because I mentioned that my heart was racing) and I got a $600 bill. My insurance sucks. I'm still paying it off (although I can pay it in full, I asked to space out the payments).
> 
> Savings can be wiped out in an instant. As you can tell, I'm a worrier. I _need_ security. The house equity/refinancing thing is just a part of that plan, you know?


Well, there never was security. All of that could have happened being in a marriage too, including having you or your husband or child disabled or you or H unemployed, sued, without a car, etc.

Security is an illusion. You do your best and you realize that you can cope with whatever comes up as well as any other rational, capable person could. 

I came back from overseas last year to find that my apartment was uninhabitable due to major renovations on lead paint surfaces out of compliance with EPA (and out of compliance with common sense as well, not even the bare minimum precautions were taken.) Wiped out my savings at the time, still in court. Whatever! Homeless for a week, camped for a week, new apartment and had to involve attorney and code enforcement to make it safe. You do what you have to do, it's never going to be perfect. There is always going to be something that can happen and it's often unpredictable. 

If you are having anxiety that's keeping you from focusing, I highly recommend anti-anxiety RX which is typically not addicting and can really give you a leg up in all matters of life. Divorce and periods of change are particularly stressful. Nature has provided relief, yes, it is refined by pharmaceutical companies but it still comes from the universe.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> I also don't have a clue what is coming next in this process. I'm not at all familiar with the lingo, the process.....I keep trying to read up on it more and the more I read, the more I get overwhelmed and just run away from it.
> 
> I'm sure I will be more in the loop after my meeting this week, but I guess the scared part of me just assumes I'm going to have to pay my lawyer a million dollars simply because I don't _want_ to understand this crap. I don't want any part of it because I don't technically want this divorce in the first part.


Write down your questions and prioritize them.
Ask your attorney if you can have a recording of the meeting or if he/she can provide you a written record of questions and answers, you can refer back to later.

Draw up a flowchart and make a to-do list.

When I was helping a friend organize some legal issues, I created a binder with document protectors and tabs. This helped to keep things organized. You can also put in copies of the laws/rules etc. that you need to refer to. 

I put my entire landlord-tenant case in a box. I just dump stuff in there and then I know where it is. But my attorney is on a contingency basis now as there is more to it than just getting my rent deposit back.

My divorce was easy. I just transferred what I could expect from a joint account to my own account, moved out, let him have one attempt at reconciliation (big fail on his part) and then filed myself, $40 no regrets.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can negotiate what % of the closing you pay. Your husband is keeping the house to put it in his name only. So he should be paying the closing costs. Talk to your attorney about this.

Is he going to give you half the equity when he refinances?

IF you sell the house, will there be any equity? If so all closing costs can be paid out of the equity.


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

Sure, all of those things could happen at any time. But if I were still married, I'd have emotional support through them. I have nothing right now. So financial stability is all I can count on right now.

As for anti-anxiety Rx, I'm on those too. Just probably haven't found the right kind/dosage yet. (Obviously!)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WantingToFly said:


> Sure, all of those things could happen at any time. But if I were still married, I'd have emotional support through them. I have nothing right now. So financial stability is all I can count on right now.
> 
> As for anti-anxiety Rx, I'm on those too. Just probably haven't found the right kind/dosage yet. (Obviously!)


But if you're getting divorced, you could safely assume that if any of those things happened, you would be stuck providing support to someone who wanted to divorce you in the first place, or relying on someone who is going to begrudge you (and perhaps have the legal options to make decisions for you that you would otherwise not appreciate.) 

You're projecting something historically that didn't exist?
Or ceased to exist.

By the way, you should make sure you have an updated durable power of attorney, and have talked to your lawyer about your son's disposition and care (and handling of any monies/property/benefits he might inherit from you) in the event of your demise or disability.

Everyone should have one of these documents with supporting paperwork available to legal counsel of your choice. And make a good friend or trusted relative custodian of a third copy. Plus make sure your doctor has one and one is on file with health care provider (i.e. I use the VA so they have a system to keep one on file.) 

Imagine if you had a brain injury when husband had not made clear his intent to divorce. He could have filed for custody and then made decisions for you. Including financial decisions, all legally. 

Trust me, you are much more secure and have the potential to make yourself that much more secure right now than you were prior to knowing your H wanted a divorce. 

I think I have said this before to you or someone else.
Many people do not see or understand the position they were in before in the so-called 'marriage'. 

Legal fees, documents and arrangements are part of life, just as are dental fees, income taxes, retirement planning, rabies shots for domestic pets and passports/id's. Even people who are happily married still make sure their butts are covered legally. You should never give 100% authority over yourself to anyone else, make sure the paperwork can speak for you if you cannot. This is because anyone, and I mean anyone, can have an incidence of mental illness that can cause them to do bizarre things, and even the most sweet and well meaning person can be deceived and manipulated to do things they otherwise wouldn't by someone who stands to benefit from that manipulation.

Everyone is human, including the most perfect and supportive spouse. Please do not forget that. 

You can probably up the med or take prn. Use a pill cutter. 
But be careful because there are some things that you do want to be anxious about, at least in theory.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

WantingToFly said:


> I also don't have a clue what is coming next in this process. I'm not at all familiar with the lingo, the process.....I keep trying to read up on it more and the more I read, the more I get overwhelmed and just run away from it.
> 
> I'm sure I will be more in the loop after my meeting this week, but I guess the scared part of me just assumes I'm going to have to pay my lawyer a million dollars simply because I don't _want_ to understand this crap. I don't want any part of it because I don't technically want this divorce in the first part.


As much as you don't want to understand the crap you must. The more prepared you are and the better understanding of it all will save you money in the long run. Lawyers are notorious for making it sound easy or talking in generalities in the beginning. The problem is once into it, your in and if your spouse is not cooperative it can cost a great deal. 

Divorce doesn't have to cost too much, half the battle is being realistic in what you want. Don't sweat the small stuff, most of it isn't worth fighting over.


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