# When you don’t feel appreciated by you partner.



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Hi. I have been married for 15 years. They weren’t easy but I tried to make it work because I believed in marriage. The problem in my marriage is my husband, he is very selfish and controlling but of course, he thinks he is perfect and I should be lucky to have him, only because he brings more money than me. I work too. I take care of kids, bills, and everything else. He helps with cooking and chores when he wants to, but I wished he didn’t. Most of the times when he is doing something he is loud and complains a lot. Why is this here, why there, Too much drama! You can never please him with chores. I finish 100 chores in a day, but he will find something I haven’t done and is going to point it out, so I am done pleasing him. Most of the times he loves my cooking. If he doesn’t oh boy he is going to make you feel bad about youself. He complains about everything. For instance once we were going to a restaurant for my birthday, a place I picked, ( I am the only one who picks a restaurant or anything because he leaves it to me) and we didn’t make it inside the restaurant because he didn’t like the restaurant for no reason. He was giving me an attitude and I just said, “ You know what, lets go home” ! It was a good restaurant actually with great reviews. We ended up going back home. He didn’t care that that day was about me, not him. 
So I feel like I live only to please him. Not to mention his addiction to gambling and alcohol. He is not a happy person when he drinks. He doesn’t drink that often now, but I always feel scared, what if he drinks again... He wants only to fight when drunk( with words ) even if try to ignore him . Now I have another issue. He started a business and relies a lot on my help when it comes to computer because he refuses to learn even how to turn on a computer. He never helped me with my education, kids, work. I never asked for help. Now I don’t mind helping him but he never appreciates it. When we fight he always brings up that I do nothing for him, and says that he pays for everything. I work and have worked full time too most of my marriage. Stopped only when I was pregnant or had to take care of our baby.) but because I bring less money than him, he thinks he is better than me. Niot to mention the jobs I had to quit because I had no one to help me with picking or dropping them at school. So my work hours are limited because of my kids schools schedule. Is not easy to find a job with more money and less hours. He doesn’t care though. According to him, I don’t want to work!!! 🤷‍♀️
Add the fact that I am to blame if something doesn’t go his way on his business. If I tell him do it youself, us your business, he is going to be mad at me. I feel so drained. So tired and I feel like I don’t see a future with him anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with his short temper, with his everyday complains. I feel happy only when I am at work. I need my peace of mind and I feel so stuck in this marriage because of the kids mostly. My kids don’t want to go anywhere with him, because he is not a good fathet either, he is controlling, always critisizing them, and loud. But still they don’t want us to divorce. I feel like I would be happier if I slept in a car than live with him.  He always tells me to leave after a fight for any stupid reason, but if I try, he will threaten me. I don’t know what to do but I see no future with him anymore. I rushed into marrying him,( long story) didn’t love him. I liked him and I thought, I will love him one day, but with his behavior he only pushed me away. We don’t have nothing in common. We never did, I just thought we will learn to live with our differences., but to him that means I have to accept his differences, I have to change. ...Cheating was never an issue in our marriage, but he had trusting issues also. 
I am sorry for the long post, I just wanted to talk to someone. I haven’t shared this with anyone, other than my sister who is always on my side. My parents know about his temper, they don’t like him much, but I try not to upset them with all my problems.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It really sounds like it's time for you to leave the marriage. There is a reason your parents don't like him, and it's time to let them know what's going on. They will be there for you and support you.

Please do not stay in a marriage "for the kids". You said he isn't even a good father, and he's not a good husband, so what are you staying for? The kids should not be part of the marital decisions. They are children... whether you divorce or not is not up to them and not something they can fully understand. 

Why don't your kids what you to divorce? Are they afraid of the unknown? Don't want the stigma (if there is any these days)? Don't want to go between two homes? You can calm whatever their worries are by talking to them, but you shouldn't be doing that until you decide to leave.

Your kids are watching you and your husband and learning from you. Do you want them to learn to put up with being treated the way your husband treats you? Do you want them to learn to treat someone the way your husband treats you? Even if you don't want them to, they are learning these patterns. You can put an end to that by showing them what is and what is not acceptable. Acting this way and treating you, and the children, this way is not acceptable. 

At some point your kids are going to move out of the house, what then? It doesn't sound like you will have anything to stay for. Right now you are wasting your time on a man who doesn't deserve you, and as you admitted, a man you have never even loved...


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

bobert said:


> It really sounds like it's time for you to leave the marriage. There is a reason your parents don't like him, and it's time to let them know what's going on. They will be there for you and support you.
> 
> Please do not stay in a marriage "for the kids". You said he isn't even a good father, and he's not a good husband, so what are you staying for? The kids should not be part of the marital decisions. They are children... whether you divorce or not is not up to them and not something they can fully understand.
> 
> ...


The only reason I don’t tell my parents is that they live in different country, so they can’t help me and I don’t want them to worry. I said I am staying for the kids mostly because I can’t afford to live on my own right now. I don’t want them to change schools, since they changed it two years ago when we bought the house( huge mistake) and I need to put some money aside to afford to find an apartment around here. With my hubby is hard to save any money, He is bad with money even though he is paid good. Also, I have to clear the debt I accumulated with credit cards thanks to my husband. I don’t use credit cards a lot myself, spend $200 the top, but he pushed me. I regret doing it. I will never listen to anyone again when it comes to credit cards. Over $6,000 on my name with huge interest, and same amount on his name. Not to mention other loans. I want to leave us debt free before I make the big move. Why both, because helping him, I am helping myself from drama. He hasn’t paid a bill in at least 13 years. He only knows how to spend and complain why the bill is so high. I take care of them. I really hope to be abke to leave him soon, but I feel trapped right now.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Divorce. Sell the house, split the proceeds, split the debt. That's the only way you're going to get out. 

Yes, it's doable. Not fun, but doable.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Livvie said:


> Divorce. Sell the house, split the proceeds, split the debt. That's the only way you're going to get out.
> 
> Yes, it's doable. Not fun, but doable.


I feel like he is going to make my life a living hell if I leave him. He even said that. He wants to see me suffer, while I really wish the best for him. I really do, because if he is happy that means He will leave me alone. I feel like he is going to live a miserable life. Maybe lose his business because of his temper and not wanting to pay child support. He is lost without me since I help him a lot with his business, bills, etc, so he needs me more than I do need his money. I really don’t want any money from him even though I have no money. Just my paycheck which is not enough. Waiting to start a second job soon. I just want to leave and not deal with his drama anymore. The sad part is I cared a lot about him, but not anymore. We had good moments but, I feel tired of not knowing what is going to happen at any moment with him. The sad part is he really wants to change but he can’t help himself. He maybe is bipolar ( he can go from happy to sad or mad within minutes, especially after nap) When he wakes up is always in bad mood, or maybe there is another mental issue with him. He was never diagnosed with anything. Another thing is, I know that from his mom’s side they have many who have emotional problems, or have lost their mind because of a separation or something else. One of them lived in my town, vety close to me actually. Beautiful girl, straight A student with very promissing future. She was in medical school at that time to become a doctor when she lost her mind, scizophrenia probably from the way she behaved after her boyfriend left her
. I really hope that something like that doesn’t happen to him.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

I feel for you, I've been married 15 years and was always criticized by my wife. I'm thankful that neither one of us have really any substance issues, but that doesn't mean that the same problems can't arise. Here I am now looking to divorce her and it's hard because you think about all the things that have to happen and it feels like a mountain. Plus the societal guilt of having a marriage end. He sounds very selfish and has no common ground to work with. He isn't willing to come to the table to discuss your issues together. That's the big sign for me is he isn't really willing to work together.

He needs to see a therapist to work on his issues. At this point he is using you as a crutch and as a whipping post for his out of control emotions and habits.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Hackle84 said:


> I feel for you, I've been married 15 years and was always criticized by my wife. I'm thankful that neither one of us have really any substance issues, but that doesn't mean that the same problems can't arise. Here I am now looking to divorce her and it's hard because you think about all the things that have to happen and it feels like a mountain. Plus the societal guilt of having a marriage end. He sounds very selfish and has no common ground to work with. He isn't willing to come to the table to discuss your issues together. That's the big sign for me is he isn't really willing to work together.
> 
> He needs to see a therapist to work on his issues. At this point he is using you as a crutch and as a whipping post for his out of control emotions and habits.


He will never agree to see a therapist. He knows what’s wrong with him, he sure does, but expects me to be OK with it. Even his own mom keeps my my side when I say something to her. She knows her son well. He says things like, “ Oh you know me, I am mad only for 5 min and then I am OK”. And he is exactly like that but in those 5 mins, anything can happen. So far he hasn’t raised his hands at me, he throws objects though, his phone, remote, whatever is on his hands, not often but has happened at least 3-4 times during our marriage. But mental abuse is the one I can’t handle.


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## Hackle84 (May 12, 2020)

Yeah mental abuse is a big NO in my book. I’ve dealt with it for years in my marriage, this why I’m trying to get me it. He sounds like he does need help, but If he won’t listen to you your just talking to a wall. And walls don’t move.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I put off my divorce for years waiting for the right time to end my marriage, kids, two businesses, finances, friends, family, assets, etc., so much to consider. Suddenly I realized I had been miserably unhappy for 15 years, and you can't get those years back. Once I started the process it was an all out sprint to get it finished. It was an emotionally difficult time, but guess what? The world kept turning, things worked themselves out and I didn't end up living in a box under a bridge.

The best part? It was like someone flipped a switch in my life, I went from being constantly stressed and unhappy to being relaxed, happy and content.

My point is you can always find excuses to stay, but one day you will look back and regret those extra years of being miserable. Sometimes you need to take that first step and let the cards fall as they may, life has a way of working out.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Cooper said:


> I put off my divorce for years waiting for the right time to end my marriage, kids, two businesses, finances, friends, family, assets, etc., so much to consider. Suddenly I realized I had been miserably unhappy for 15 years, and you can't get those years back. Once I started the process it was an all out sprint to get it finished. It was an emotionally difficult time, but guess what? The world kept turning, things worked themselves out and I didn't end up living in a box under a bridge.
> 
> The best part? It was like someone flipped a switch in my life, I went from being constantly stressed and unhappy to being relaxed, happy and content.
> 
> My point is you can always find excuses to stay, but one day you will look back and regret those extra years of being miserable. Sometimes you need to take that first step and let the cards fall as they may, life has a way of working out.


I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go. Once he told me to leave the house, “leave right now”, for a stupid reason. I don’t even remember why he got mad. I got out with the kids to go for a ride. Didn’t bring anything with me. Of course he wasn’t expecting me to react that calm. He ran after me to my car and told me if you leave me I will burn the house down, and I believe he can do such a thing out of anger. He doesn’t think straight when he is angry.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

marcy* said:


> I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go. Once he told me to leave the house, “leave right now”, for a stupid reason. I don’t even remember why he got mad. I got out with the kids to go for a ride. Didn’t bring anything with me. Of course he wasn’t expecting me to react that calm. He ran after me to my car and told me if you leave me I will burn the house down, and I believe he can do such a thing out of anger. He doesn’t think straight when he is angry.


No it wasn't easy, be clear on that, but I didn't fear physical assault as you do. I imagine physical imtimadation and his angry outburst are control tactics used to manipulate you. I guess if you are truly scared and feel threatened you may need to seek protective resources or secure shelter before you leave. I'm sorry for what you are going thru.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go. Once he told me to leave the house, “leave right now”, for a stupid reason. I don’t even remember why he got mad. I got out with the kids to go for a ride. Didn’t bring anything with me. Of course he wasn’t expecting me to react that calm. He ran after me to my car and told me if you leave me I will burn the house down, and I believe he can do such a thing out of anger. He doesn’t think straight when he is angry.


If he EVER gets physically violent -- even a tap, you should call the police. His anger is WAY out of control. There are women's shelters that can help you with all this -- you DO NOT have to stay there and take this sort of abuse (nor do the kids).


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Talk to a lawyer. Most will do low cost initial visit. Learn your rights and don't wait for the perfect time. Stop second-guessing and walking on egg shells. You may want to keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times for protection.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

He sounds awful. Have a go-bag prepared for if you have to leave in a hurry. Prepare for your break-up by moving your valuables and copies of all important paperwork out of the house ahead of time in secret.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Start getting your ducks in a row, come up with a timeframe. Save away some money, go visit a lawyer, look at new apartments, consider a new job in a different location, check out schools. you can do all of this without him knowing then tell him. At this juncture, you have to sit him down and tell him what you told us, tell him his yelling, shouting is making things worse and you have had enough. Share about his lack of money skills, lack of support, everthing, write it down if you have to. He must be hit with the reality of what you are going through.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

marcy* said:


> The only reason I don’t tell my parents is that they live in different country, so they can’t help me and I don’t want them to worry. I said I am staying for the kids mostly because I can’t afford to live on my own right now. I don’t want them to change schools, since they changed it two years ago when we bought the house( huge mistake) and I need to put some money aside to afford to find an apartment around here.


Wow, you've got more excuses than I can count.

Stop making EXCUSES and go to a lawyer and get *educated* on what a divorce would actually LOOK like for you financially. Making up excuse after excuse after excuse for why you can't leave is just an exercise in futility.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

marcy* said:


> I know they are excuses, but it’s easy for you as a man. With his temper I have to be ready for not an easy break up. The problem is I fear the worst, like he is going to hurt me or even hurt our kids if I divorce him, and I can’t let this feeling go.


Spoken just like every typically abused woman - thinking, breathing, and acting entirely out of FEAR.

Do yourself a favor and call a woman's helpline. You need to start taking *responsibility *for your well-being.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Wow, you've got more excuses than I can count.
> 
> Stop making EXCUSES and go to a lawyer and get *educated* on what a divorce would actually LOOK like for you financially. Making up excuse after excuse after excuse for why you can't leave is just an exercise in futility.


I know my financial situation very well, which means right now is not good. I get nothing because we have no money aside even though he has a business. He is not good with money. He spends money in lottery tickets ( sometimes $400-$600 at a time, especially after a fight) ,he is smoker, I am the one who takes care of bills and I know how much he is paid weekly and what goes in and out our bank account. I know the situation better than him. He only knows how to spend, not save. He was never good with money. I keep notes. We have accumulated a lot of debts from credit cards, loans, and I am working on them right now. Not easy to get rid of them with high interest. Trying to put some money aside for myself, very little everytime I am paid, because with the bills, business taxes, and other business expenses we have, there is not a lot money left. Sometimes I have to use the money I saved to cover a bill. I am trying not to ruin my credit. So far is not bad, in 700-s.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Yesterday we were having a glass of wine in our backyard. When he is in a good mood we usually get along very well, and he felt happy. He said” Thank you God for this good time we are having” He really doesn’t think there are problems in our marriage.🤦‍♀️ He doesn’t think his problems are that bad even though I tell him what’s wrong in our marriage. He things a “good time” like that is all I need to be happy and forget. 
I tell him ( whrn he is calm) I don’t like his attitude. I tell him I feel scared of him when he is in a bad mood, but still he doesn’t get it. I tell him why I am never in the mood for sex. He is like how you can be scared of me? And of course denies all those threats he makes when he is throwing a tantrum. He still believes we are going to be together forever. This scares me the most.
In the morning he gave me a kiss when I was “sleeping”. He does that a lot. But than one day he snaps and my fear comes back. That has been my life pretty much. Someone who pretends to love me, but again puts me down, hurts my feelings with hurtful words, everytime something doesn’t go his way. Not to mention he calls me a lot when he is mad at me. Turning off the phone it will make things worse. I usually delete his voicemails. I don’t even listen to them because I know he only screams. I will save them from now on.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I was going to ask about his gambling but you answered that in your last post. 

I understand your fear and I understand that you have little to no money. 

You need to consult with a lawyer ASAP. I mean now. I would also talk to your local YWCA to see if they have resources for you to leave with your children. I used to live with a physically abusive man. I got a small grant of money from my local YWCA to move myself (no kids) out of my house to get away from him. There are lots of resources out there.

If I were you (check with a lawyer first) I would use a credit card or get another one to start the process to get the hell out of this abusive marriage. Worry about your credit score later. That can always be repaired after you leave .

Start with a lawyer first. Usually a one-time consultation is free or a small charge.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

lucy999 said:


> I was going to ask about his gambling but you answered that in your last post.
> 
> I understand your fear and I understand that you have little to no money.
> 
> ...


I don’t want to deal with a lawyer, I want to separate first, get out the house, then file for the divorce. I want to do it while not living in the same roof with him. 
I don’t have anyone here, no family, and I can’t leave my kids with him even for a day, so getting out of the house first without the kids is no option.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

marcy* said:


> I don’t want to deal with a lawyer, I want to separate first, get out the house, then file for the divorce. I want to do it while not living in the same roof with him.
> I don’t have anyone here, no family, and I can’t leave my kids with him even for a day, so getting out of the house first without the kids is no option.


You can talk to a lawyer before you leave the house. Talking to one doesn't mean you are filing for divorce yet, or even that you've decided to divorce at all. You are just seeing where you stand BEFORE you make a move so you can make a smart, calculated plan to get out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You‘ll have to get out however you can. The debt will never go away as long as you’re married because he’ll continue to do as he pleases so there’s no point making that a condition to leaving.

I’m sure he absolutely thinks he loves you. That’s probably the maximum he’s capable of feeling for anyone. That doesn’t mean he won’t hurt you — or worse. Stop telling him you’re afraid of him. He knows how he acts and what he says. That just confirms for him that he has all the power. You need to gray rock him.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

marcy* said:


> I don’t want to deal with a lawyer, I want to separate first, get out the house, then file for the divorce. I want to do it while not living in the same roof with him.
> I don’t have anyone here, no family, and I can’t leave my kids with him even for a day, so getting out of the house first without the kids is no option.


Seeing a lawyer right now is a fact-finding appointment. Nothing else. To see what your rights are and what it would look like if you decide to divorce. You don't want to do something that you shouldn't do under the eyes of the law. And you don't want to be swayed by your husband's threats with misinformation should things go bad quickly. Knowledge is power. You need to know your legal rights and that what this would be. Especially since there's kids involved. You should have that legal information before you leave. Your husband could accuse you of kidnapping if you left with the kids. You must protect yourself and your children.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> I know my financial situation very well, which means right now is not good. I get nothing because we have no money aside even though he has a business. He is not good with money. He spends money in lottery tickets ( sometimes $400-$600 at a time, especially after a fight) ,he is smoker, I am the one who takes care of bills and I know how much he is paid weekly and what goes in and out our bank account. I know the situation better than him. He only knows how to spend, not save. He was never good with money. I keep notes. We have accumulated a lot of debts from credit cards, loans, and I am working on them right now. Not easy to get rid of them with high interest. Trying to put some money aside for myself, very little everytime I am paid, because with the bills, business taxes, and other business expenses we have, there is not a lot money left. Sometimes I have to use the money I saved to cover a bill. I am trying not to ruin my credit. So far is not bad, in 700-s.


So, STOP giving him access to the funds. Lock down your bank account. Shouldn't your BUSINESS have it's own account to cover taxes, etc.? If not you need to rectify THAT right away -- YOU shouldn't be paying for HIS business. Tell him that since he can't be responsible with the money, he will get an allowance. Spending $600 on lottery tickets? Tell him he needs to learn statistics and what odds actually means. $2, ok, $600 !!! NO WAY.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> I tell him I feel scared of him when he is in a bad mood, but still he doesn’t get it. I tell him why I am never in the mood for sex. He is like how you can be scared of me? And of course denies all those threats he makes when he is throwing a tantrum. He still believes we are going to be together forever. This scares me the most.


So, the next time he rants and raves -- RECORD him doing it -- use a VAR or your phone. The next day, when he is calm and "forgot" all of what he said, play it for him. THEN ask him, why do you think I'm scared?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> So, STOP giving him access to the funds. Lock down your bank account. Shouldn't your BUSINESS have it's own account to cover taxes, etc.? If not you need to rectify THAT right away -- YOU shouldn't be paying for HIS business. Tell him that since he can't be responsible with the money, he will get an allowance. Spending $600 on lottery tickets? Tell him he needs to learn statistics and what odds actually means. $2, ok, $600 !!! NO WAY.


He has access to the business money. He spends those to buy what he wants. He is the only one who has access to those money. I can only check the account online. I told many times that if you spend money I will leave. It is same as cheating, even worse for me. I never spend money on lottery tickets or gambling myself. If I tell him why are you spending so much, he will just say, “I work for it!” and that’s it. Yeah right is his money when he wants to spend it but if I refuse to help him with his business because I am so tired and sick dealing with it,and sometimes I don’t even know how to help him with a problem he will say, “ Oh you are not doing it for me, but for your family”, Right, I am supposed to help him, but again it’s his money.🙄 He shouldn’t even have a business if he doesn’t know how to take care of his money or can’t deal with problems without blaming me for everything that goes wrong. He is stresssing me out even more with his attitude. Even his own accountant doesn’t want to deal with him, but with me. He makes it hard for everyone with his attitude. I supported him a lot when he wanted to open the business, but I regret it now. The business made it worse.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> So, the next time he rants and raves -- RECORD him doing it -- use a VAR or your phone. The next day, when he is calm and "forgot" all of what he said, play it for him. THEN ask him, why do you think I'm scared?


He will laugh. He will say, “ Oh you know me, I say stupid things when I am mad” . That’s it. I have done it before.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> He has access to the business money. He spends those to buy what he wants. He is the only one who has access to those money. I can only check the account online. I told many times that if you spend money I will leave. It is same as cheating, even worse for me. I never spend money on lottery tickets or gambling myself. If I tell him why are you spending so much, he will just say, “I work for it!” and that’s it. Yeah right is his money when he wants to spend it but if I refuse to help him with his business because I am so tired and sick dealing with it,and sometimes I don’t even know how to help him with a problem he will say, “ Oh you are not doing it for me, but for your family”, Right, I am supposed to help him, but again it’s his money.🙄 He shouldn’t even have a business if he doesn’t know how to take care of his money or can’t deal with problems without blaming me for everything that goes wrong. He is stresssing me out even more with his attitude. Even his own accountant doesn’t want to deal with him, but with me. He makes it hard for everyone with his attitude. I supported him a lot when he wanted to open the business, but I regret it now. The business made it worse.


So. tell him that YOU need to be paid if you are working for his company (and then start saving all of that). If you don't get paid, then STOP doing anything for the business. Let it sink due to HIS problems. He may complain -- so be it, but TOUGH for him.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> So. tell him that YOU need to be paid if you are working for his company (and then start saving all of that). If you don't get paid, then STOP doing anything for the business. Let it sink due to HIS problems. He may complain -- so be it, but TOUGH for him.


Well I don’t have a debit or credit card to his business account but I can move money around. Move from business account to regular checking. He has no problem with that. I can use them if I want to. I don’t want to get paid, because even if he pays me I am going to use to pay bills. . Just annoys me when he says I pay for your food, and bills when I help him and all my own paycheck goes for bills and food too, but if I tell him that he is like, “Oh I don’t know what you do with your money. I never see a paycheck.” I have direct deposit in different bank, but both our names are in our account. He hasn’t used that in years since we open the new one, but that’s not my problem, it’s his. He has access to that accound same as me and he can check the bank activity anytime. I am not going to print it out for him just because he is lazy and easier for him to make me feel bad.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marcy* said:


> I know my financial situation very well, which means right now is not good. I get nothing because we have no money aside even though he has a business. He is not good with money. He spends money in lottery tickets ( sometimes $400-$600 at a time, especially after a fight) ,he is smoker, I am the one who takes care of bills and I know how much he is paid weekly and what goes in and out our bank account. I know the situation better than him. He only knows how to spend, not save. He was never good with money. I keep notes. We have accumulated a lot of debts from credit cards, loans, and I am working on them right now. Not easy to get rid of them with high interest. Trying to put some money aside for myself, very little everytime I am paid, because with the bills, business taxes, and other business expenses we have, there is not a lot money left. Sometimes I have to use the money I saved to cover a bill. I am trying not to ruin my credit. So far is not bad, in 700-s.


The longer you wait the more debt he will accumulate that you both will be responsible for. he will not change his behavior, he will keep losing money.

Making decision about divorce is a long process. You still feel guilty about leaving him. But things will not get better. I know it can be scary, I was there. it took me years to wrap my head around it. But in your situation it seems like you do not have years to waste.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marcy* said:


> He will laugh. He will say, “ Oh you know me, I say stupid things when I am mad” . That’s it. I have done it before.


So, you are out of options. Nothing works. See a lawyer. Like they said above - this is to give you information about your option. Doesn't mean you are signing divorice papers already. You are learning your options.
You are in very deep denial and building up excuses to every piece of advise here. At least start exploring your options. For now you just venting, but avoiding action, or even considering any action.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> Well I don’t have a debit or credit card to his business account but I can move money around. Move from business account to regular checking. He has no problem with that. I can use them if I want to. I don’t want to get paid, because even if he pays me I am going to use to pay bills. . Just annoys me when he says I pay for your food, and bills when I help him and all my own paycheck goes for bills and food too, but if I tell him that he is like, “Oh I don’t know what you do with your money. I never see a paycheck.” I have direct deposit in different bank, but both our names are in our account. He hasn’t used that in years since we open the new one, but that’s not my problem, it’s his. He has access to that accound same as me and he can check the bank activity anytime. I am not going to print it out for him just because he is lazy and easier for him to make me feel bad.


So, you NEVER use any of your OWN money for his business? If so, I misread something. His business needs to sink/swim on it's own without your bolstering it with additional funds. IF he pays you, use THAT money to put away so you build up a nest egg that you need. 
If you D, those debts will be split between you -- you won't assume all of it, so you should not have it in your head that you need to pay down ALL of the debt before you can make a move.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> So, you NEVER use any of your OWN money for his business? If so, I misread something. His business needs to sink/swim on it's own without your bolstering it with additional funds. IF he pays you, use THAT money to put away so you build up a nest egg that you need.
> If you D, those debts will be split between you -- you won't assume all of it, so you should not have it in your head that you need to pay down ALL of the debt before you can make a move.


His business has its ups and downs. I really think he will be better without it. It’s not that easy as you think. We have joint accounts. I know how much he has and I know he can’t afford to pay me. I can take money if I want, but I don’t want to deal with those money other than pay the bills with them. I know my husband better than he knows himself. He will be OK with me taking money when he is in good mood, but once something goes wrong, he is going to accuse me, “ You stole my money blahblah.”. So no thank you. Better save the money from my own paycheck


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marcy* said:


> His business has its ups and downs. I really think he will be better without it. It’s not that easy as you think. We have joint accounts. I know how much he has and I know he can’t afford to pay me. I can take money if I want, but I don’t want to deal with those money other than pay the bills with them. I know my husband better than he knows himself. He will be OK with me taking money when he is in good mood, but once something goes wrong, he is going to accuse me, “ You stole my money blahblah.”. So no thank you. Better save the money from my own paycheck


Your course of action right now is avoidance. Doing anything that will keep your husband's complains in check. It is survival skill, but it won't take you out of the situation. I was there, doing things just to keep peace and quiet, and not give him a reason to complain. At this point you are still scared of consequences of confrontation, mental and financial.
But you know very well things will not get better. You trained him to believe everything is just fine, he has no reason to change. He may also not be capable of change.
To make decision about leaving - it has to be your decision, and you have to be ready for it. You are not ready at the moment. But you still should have that talk with the lawyer, even if you do not do anything about it. It may help you to figure out things how to plan for future better. There might be things right now that you could change, that would be helpful in the long run. Talk to the lawyer, even if you do not plan to do anything about it right now.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Are you afraid your husband will find out if you've gone to a lawyer? Seems like you've talked around that subject. Why?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> His business has its ups and downs. I really think he will be better without it. It’s not that easy as you think. We have joint accounts. I know how much he has and I know he can’t afford to pay me. I can take money if I want, but I don’t want to deal with those money other than pay the bills with them. I know my husband better than he knows himself. He will be OK with me taking money when he is in good mood, but once something goes wrong, he is going to accuse me, “ You stole my money blahblah.”. So no thank you. Better save the money from my own paycheck


I think you misunderstood me -- I am NOT talking about just taking money from the accounts. I am suggesting that you get a FORMAL paycheck from the business. I presume HE takes a salary, no? I'm not sure how you are doing the business accounting.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> I think you misunderstood me -- I am NOT talking about just taking money from the accounts. I am suggesting that you get a FORMAL paycheck from the business. I presume HE takes a salary, no? I'm not sure how you are doing the business accounting.


It doesn’t matter because the money is used to pay bills and business expenses. I don’t need to pay myself when we have joint accounts. The money is there. I just hate it when he says is my money when he is mad, or withdraws cash to buy lottery tickets. He trusts me with the money because he knows he is not good with money, and I don’t spend money on myself other than to buy things we really need. I am very careful myself. I just regret the credit cards debt I collected to buy materials and furniture for the new house.
Actually he says go buy yourself something expensive, but I never do because that’s our money. But yes I have to save more money. Actually I started putting money aside even for him. He doesn’t know. He can find out if he wants but he never checks it, only checks his business account.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

lucy999 said:


> Are you afraid your husband will find out if you've gone to a lawyer? Seems like you've talked around that subject. Why?


I haven’t talked to anyone about my problems for years. First time ever here, I am sharing my life with others. I have shared my life only with my sister. We have been very close growing up. She lives far though, different country. Not easy for me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I wanted to read the entire thread before I chimed in. Former abused/battered spouse here. I can tell you from my own experience, that there will NEVER be a right time to leave. I visited a divorce attorney multiple times before I finally pulled the trigger. 

I'll make it brief: My first husband was a mean, angry alcoholic. He's probably the only person I've ever known who truly scared me. What motivated me to get the hell out was ANGER. RIGHTEOUS ANGER. He had an unregistered handgun in his home office. I knew that sooner or later, he'd shoot me.

So, one Sunday evening, when he once again asked if I could give him $800 because he "came up short" that month (he got fired and was unemployed more than he worked), I told him "NO." He didn't like that answer. First he tried charm, then he tried b.s'ing me. Finally, he became very threatening. I grabbed important paperwork out of my file cabinet, some clothes, and my cat. He tried to block me at the front door. That is when my rage kicked in. I told him he'd have to kill me if he wanted me to stay.

Here's the thing: Many of these abusers are big mouthed jerks. But when they are genuinely challenged, they fold like a house of cards. Is that always the case? No. But you have to make the call. Granted, he let me out the door, but when I tried to drive away, he grabbed the driver's side door of my car. I hit the gas and threw him off. Next day, I was in court to get a restraining order. I didn't tell him where I went.

Three days later, I had my restraining order. A week later, the judge ordered him out of our home for one year. I decided not to kick him out, preferring to find an apartment for myself. But when three police cruisers showed up in the driveway to escort him from our home, he backed down from ever threatening me again.

Bottom line: Abusers manipulate their victims with fear. It's when the victim goes in swinging that they usually back down. Why? Because abusers are generally cowards. Just my story. I drove off into the night with nowhere to go. But I had a FT job, so I knew I'd survive. Timing wasn't great, but today I have my life back. MY LIFE.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

marcy* said:


> I haven’t talked to anyone about my problems for years. First time ever here, I am sharing my life with others. I have shared my life only with my sister. We have been very close growing up. She lives far though, different country. Not easy for me.


I understand. Hopefully by talking with us here, you'll begin to feel more comfortable. Then you will be comfortable talking to a lawyer. They will not judge you. They are there to help you. For a price, obviously, but you need someone on your side. My biggest fear is that your husband will deliberately feed you misinformation when he finds out you're leaving and talk you into staying. Nothing will change if you don't get proactive and start the wheels in motion. And by starting, I mean merely talking to a lawyer to get information and learn your rights should you decide to divorce.

And if you're not ready to leave, a lawyer can tell you what you need to do to get yourself ready to leave and possibly provide resources that will help you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marcy* said:


> He has access to the business money. He spends those to buy what he wants. He is the only one who has access to those money. I can only check the account online. I told many times that if you spend money I will leave. It is same as cheating, even worse for me. I never spend money on lottery tickets or gambling myself. If I tell him why are you spending so much, he will just say, “I work for it!” and that’s it. Yeah right is his money when he wants to spend it but if I refuse to help him with his business because I am so tired and sick dealing with it,and sometimes I don’t even know how to help him with a problem he will say, “ Oh you are not doing it for me, but for your family”, Right, I am supposed to help him, but again it’s his money.🙄 He shouldn’t even have a business if he doesn’t know how to take care of his money or can’t deal with problems without blaming me for everything that goes wrong. He is stresssing me out even more with his attitude. Even his own accountant doesn’t want to deal with him, but with me. He makes it hard for everyone with his attitude. I supported him a lot when he wanted to open the business, but I regret it now. The business made it worse.


you have to make a list of all the bills you cover personally from your own earnings. Then split it with him evenly. If he doesn't have the money too bad. Make sure you allocate the kind of bills that will affect him, e.g. subscriptions for his sports channel, his phone, his car, etc. Then he will realize that you are not going to cover for him. The next time he asks for help, say i am too busy with my own work, figure it out yourself. You have to stand up to him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OP, you literally have an excuse for EVERYTHING.

Stop CHOOSING to be a victim of this POS. I can't even read your replies anymore because they're just *filled* with excuse after excuse after excuse and reason after reason after reason for why you continually put up with this POS and his lies and his constant disrespect and abuse, and his continual ignorant spending of every dime you two have.

Stop making excuses and actually DO something positive by *seeing a lawyer* for a consultation! This isn't rocket science and you're making everything SO much harder than it has to be.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Marcy,
I know this is all scary and unimaginable. That's why you kicking down every advise here. Because untangling lives, finances, business seems to be way too much to handle and it is easier to stew your life slowly as it is.

But now try to imagine your life ten years from now: still doing the same, debts even higher, you even more tired and resentful, becoming bitter woman with no joy in her life. The other option: you are free of his problems and his moods., and live your own life, however hard it would be. Nobody scolds you, you do not walk on eggshells, you can breathe.

You should start counseling for yourself. That may help you to clarify things in your head before you can start making decisions.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> I wanted to read the entire thread before I chimed in. Former abused/battered spouse here. I can tell you from my own experience, that there will NEVER be a right time to leave. I visited a divorce attorney multiple times before I finally pulled the trigger.
> 
> I'll make it brief: My first husband was a mean, angry alcoholic. He's probably the only person I've ever known who truly scared me. What motivated me to get the hell out was ANGER. RIGHTEOUS ANGER. He had an unregistered handgun in his home office. I knew that sooner or later, he'd shoot me.
> 
> ...


I applaud you for leaving him. If there were no kids involved I would have left years ago too. Add the fact that I am from a different country, which made it harder for me. I had a lot to learn during these years, even the language. I never agreed with him on buying a gun either. I told him if you buy a gun, I will leave. I don’t trust anyone with a gun, especially him. Plus, I have 2 kids, a teenager son , and a daughter, younger. Both are good kids. They don’t want guns in the house either.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marcy* said:


> I applaud you for leaving him. If there were no kids involved I would have left years ago too. Add the fact that I am from a different country, which made it harder for me. I had a lot to learn during these years, even the language. I never agreed with him on buying a gun either. I told him if you buy a gun, I will leave. I don’t trust anyone with a gun, especially him. Plus, I have 2 kids, a teenager son , and a daughter, younger. Both are good kids. They don’t want guns in the house either.


You are answering to the post that are not about you, while completely ignoring the rest of posters.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> You are answering to the post that are not about you, while completely ignoring the rest of posters.


I haven’t read them all, but trust me, even if I don’t answer is because I agree with you and have nothing to say.
I appreciate any answers I get.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marcy* said:


> I haven’t read them all, but trust me, even if I don’t answer is because I agree with you and have nothing to say.
> I appreciate any answers I get.


seems like avoidance. I know, I have been avoiding my life for 20 plus years too. 

I still think that you should start with Individual Counseling. You should be able to find one through your insurance. It doesn not have to go on forever, sometimes 5-10 sessions is what's needed to help put things in order in your head.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> seems like avoidance. I know, I have been avoiding my life for 20 plus years too.
> 
> I still think that you should start with Individual Counseling. You should be able to find one through your insurance. It doesn not have to go on forever, sometimes 5-10 sessions is what's needed to help put things in order in your head.


Thanks, I will keep it mind. I don’t have insurance though. Are they expensive?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

marcy* said:


> Thanks, I will keep it mind. I don’t have insurance though. Are they expensive?


they can go between $50 and $150 or more, but you can find a therapist with sliding scale, who will offer lower rate if you committ to certain number of visits, and your income is low.


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## Janet Athena (May 28, 2013)

marcy* said:


> Hi. I have been married for 15 years. They weren’t easy but I tried to make it work because I believed in marriage. The problem in my marriage is my husband, he is very selfish and controlling but of course, he thinks he is perfect and I should be lucky to have him, only because he brings more money than me. I work too. I take care of kids, bills, and everything else. He helps with cooking and chores when he wants to, but I wished he didn’t. Most of the times when he is doing something he is loud and complains a lot. Why is this here, why there, Too much drama! You can never please him with chores. I finish 100 chores in a day, but he will find something I haven’t done and is going to point it out, so I am done pleasing him. Most of the times he loves my cooking. If he doesn’t oh boy he is going to make you feel bad about youself. He complains about everything. For instance once we were going to a restaurant for my birthday, a place I picked, ( I am the only one who picks a restaurant or anything because he leaves it to me) and we didn’t make it inside the restaurant because he didn’t like the restaurant for no reason. He was giving me an attitude and I just said, “ You know what, lets go home” ! It was a good restaurant actually with great reviews. We ended up going back home. He didn’t care that that day was about me, not him.
> So I feel like I live only to please him. Not to mention his addiction to gambling and alcohol. He is not a happy person when he drinks. He doesn’t drink that often now, but I always feel scared, what if he drinks again... He wants only to fight when drunk( with words ) even if try to ignore him . Now I have another issue. He started a business and relies a lot on my help when it comes to computer because he refuses to learn even how to turn on a computer. He never helped me with my education, kids, work. I never asked for help. Now I don’t mind helping him but he never appreciates it. When we fight he always brings up that I do nothing for him, and says that he pays for everything. I work and have worked full time too most of my marriage. Stopped only when I was pregnant or had to take care of our baby.) but because I bring less money than him, he thinks he is better than me. Niot to mention the jobs I had to quit because I had no one to help me with picking or dropping them at school. So my work hours are limited because of my kids schools schedule. Is not easy to find a job with more money and less hours. He doesn’t care though. According to him, I don’t want to work!!! 🤷‍♀️
> Add the fact that I am to blame if something doesn’t go his way on his business. If I tell him do it youself, us your business, he is going to be mad at me. I feel so drained. So tired and I feel like I don’t see a future with him anymore. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life dealing with his short temper, with his everyday complains. I feel happy only when I am at work. I need my peace of mind and I feel so stuck in this marriage because of the kids mostly. My kids don’t want to go anywhere with him, because he is not a good fathet either, he is controlling, always critisizing them, and loud. But still they don’t want us to divorce. I feel like I would be happier if I slept in a car than live with him.  He always tells me to leave after a fight for any stupid reason, but if I try, he will threaten me. I don’t know what to do but I see no future with him anymore. I rushed into marrying him,( long story) didn’t love him. I liked him and I thought, I will love him one day, but with his behavior he only pushed me away. We don’t have nothing in common. We never did, I just thought we will learn to live with our differences., but to him that means I have to accept his differences, I have to change. ...Cheating was never an issue in our marriage, but he had trusting issues also.
> I am sorry for the long post, I just wanted to talk to someone. I haven’t shared this with anyone, other than my sister who is always on my side. My parents know about his temper, they don’t like him much, but I try not to upset them with all my problems.


When I read your post I feel curious and wonder if you have ever taken any Non Violent Communication Classes/Training. I highly recommend you learn this. Also, I have developed an easy solution to stop disagreements. When either of us find the other talking or judging in any way that is not kind or peaceful or violent--we say a word we picked out- "PEACE". That is a signal to the other that they must stop, leave and come back and start speaking in a respectful manner, or drop the whole issue and bring it up at our once a week meeting. We are trained in NVC though.

Since money is one of the biggest reasons people divorce....Mort Fortel has the easiest and most logical way to handle money..... Both people put all money in one account to pay bills--and split in half anything that is left. By the way I have a post from a long time ago and moms working at home if they were paid would be making over 100,000 a year.... So the truth is that you will always be changing who makes what etc. The Mort Fortel system is the easiest and wisest money solution. 

There is a lot in your post....and I highly recommend that you take the Emotional Needs Questionaire by William Hurley. Whether you stay married or not it is very important to know your #1 Emotional Need. When this counselor started haveing his couples give just the #1 Need....over 50% of his marriages stopped ending in divorce. I could say more but that is a beginning.


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