# Facebook ex troubles



## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

I debated posting this as in some ways it seems silly, but sometimes it's hard to get out of your own head and a fresh perspective can help, so here goes.

My wife and I are both in our early 40's and have been married for 10 years with 3 children. Now I'm not a big Facebook user, I have an account but just find it sucks away too much time. I do have it to keep up with some family etc. as I live far away from my family, but other than that I'm not posting all the time or anything like that. Now my wife, on the other hand, is glued to it. That never really bothered me, until a couple of months ago.

I logged on and was looking through a few of her posts of us, her, kids etc. that I hadn't seen. Just catching up, but then I noticed some guy that I had never seen or heard of liking and loving very specific photos in her posts. Basically the pictures of her. He would drill down the post and like that specific one. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I noticed a little later on newer posts that the same thing was happening. Something about it just didn't sit right with me in my gut, so I began to drill down the posts and found he's been doing it for quite a while now, but I have just now noticed. I also found a post he made where he tagged my wife about some concert date they had long before I was in the picture, talking about how great that night was, etc.

Now, my wife and I both have pasts and we generally don't talk about it, aside from a few incidents that may be important. But something about this one didn't sit right. So I did something I'm not proud of, I looked at her Facebook chats. I found they have been chatting for quite a while as well. So I read them. For the most part it was nothing, I admit. One or two comments by him that I would call over the line but she essentially ignored them and moved on. But it still really bothered me. Now she has always been one that would talk to an old ex and it be no big deal, and I have seen it first hand and have even become friends with one of them, so it's never bothered me in the past, and I tend not to be insecure about this stuff, but something about this one made me insecure, and honestly I don't know why.

Well I was not in a good mood needless to say and she picked up on it one night and asked me about it. So I asked her about this guy. She said he was just a friend of hers and wouldn't admit it was more than that until I pressed her about it a bit. She then said yes but it was a long time ago and it's not like that. She offered me her phone so I could read the messages and even offered to block him if it would make me more comfortable, which I declined. At first that went a long way to making me feel better, but I find I can't get the situation out of my head for some reason and now I'm insecure about it.

So I was wondering if you all just think I'm being silly over nothing or should I be worried. If I am being silly do you have any suggestions on how I move forward and forget about it?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Any reason you can pinpoint why this one in particular bothers you?


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

That's one of the things that bugs me about it, I don't know. Maybe it's the constant interaction on her page or something like that which is unlike anything I have seen before, but I haven't been able to really pinpoint why in this case. We have a good relationship, great family and are both supportive of one another in everything we do, both together and our own interests. I have never doubted her or had any reason not to trust her, but something about this one just rubs me the wrong way. Honestly, I have no reason to think it's not unlike her other ex's that are now friends, and her willingness to let me read everything and block him should tell me everything I need to know. But it still freakin bugs me.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

It’s bothering you because it’s not appropriate. End of story.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My guess is she's at least in an emotional relationship with him, maybe more.
If you smell the smoke, there's fire.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

jorgegene said:


> My guess is she's at least in an emotional relationship with him, maybe more.
> If you smell the smoke, there's fire.


I should also clarify she hasn't talked to him in a while. They don't text or anything like that (yes I checked), so maybe she cut it all off, I don't know.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> I should also clarify she hasn't talked to him in a while. They don't text or anything like that (yes I checked), so maybe she cut it all off, I don't know.


It’s not appropriate. If it were me, I’d ask my wife to cut contact, block him.

And then gauge the reaction. Is she defensive or any red flags?

But if you think she has gone farther and you want the full picture then stay silent and start watching everything.

Just at a glance looking at your story, it doesn’t seem like that but from your standpoint it would seem that way no matter how deep they were. But at this point It seems like an emotional affair that has potential for more.

Do you think he just gave up trying to contact her? Or…do you think they changed communication tools to something else more private that you didn’t discover?

Did the interactions on her FB page stop when the messaging stop?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK lets start with this POS is behaving badly and needs to be put in his place. However this should have been done by her - she is not stupid and knows what he is doing but has not shut it down especially the few over the line comments he has made (I think everything he is doing is over the line). So now if she does it she will be doing it for you, not because she wanted to do it - not good as in her mind you will owe her something. So net conclusion is she enjoys it and may have some memories of stuff that she misses or longs/lusts for. You should have this out with her and warn the POS off (not because you are worried about him but because he is being disrespectful to you and your family). She on the other hand needs to have a come to Jesus moment with you and realise what she is doing. Incidentally, how would she react if an old flame was liking everything you did or posted and you were having mildly flirty conversations with her without your wife knowing (especially if you told her about other old flame contacts but not this one)? Also is the POS married or in a relationship? Consider blowing up his world at some stage if things do not get better.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s not appropriate. If it were me, I’d ask my wife to cut contact, block him.
> 
> And then gauge the reaction. Is she defensive or any red flags?
> 
> ...


The convos actually stopped between them before I even figured it out, but the interactions by him on FB have not stopped and have even occurred after i spoke to my wife about it. I have access to all her stuff and she has mine, not that i have ever looked before, so if she did i haven't found it and trust me i have looked.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sometimes one person just rubs us wrong and there's no particular reason why. ....you just get a vibe.

Or maybe it's because its not appropriate to hit up a married ex to reminisce...it screams "hey, remembered me? Meeeeee!". I've experienced this.

Take her up on her offer to block him.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK lets start with this POS is behaving badly and needs to be put in his place. However this should have been done by her - she is not stupid and knows what he is doing but has not shut it down especially the few over the line comments he has made (I think everything he is doing is over the line). So now if she does it she will be doing it for you, not because she wanted to do it - not good as in her mind you will owe her something. So net conclusion is she enjoys it and may have some memories of stuff that she misses or longs/lusts for. You should have this out with her and warn the POS off (not because you are worried about him but because he is being disrespectful to you and your family). She on the other hand needs to have a come to Jesus moment with you and realise what she is doing. Incidentally, how would she react if an old flame was liking everything you did or posted and you were having mildly flirty conversations with her without your wife knowing (especially if you told her about other old flame contacts but not this one)? Also is the POS married or in a relationship? Consider blowing up his world at some stage if things do not get better.


Not much to blow up for him though. From what I have found he is unemployed, alone and living in his parents basement. Real winner. Another reason why this whole thing baffles me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> The convos actually stopped between them before I even figured it out, but the interactions by him on FB have not stopped and have even occurred after i spoke to my wife about it. I have access to all her stuff and she has mine, not that i have ever looked before, so if she did i haven't found it and trust me i have looked.


If there’s no other odd behavior in your relationship then I’d probably have her block him and just watch.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> Not much to blow up for him though. From what I have found he is unemployed, alone and living in his parents basement. Real winner. Another reason why this whole thing baffles me.


Don’t let his social status fool you. Spend some time here and you’ll see why. And yes, a wife would have an affair with him (not saying yours is).


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sometimes one person just rubs us wrong and there's no particular reason why. ....you just get a vibe.
> 
> Or maybe it's because its not appropriate to hit up a married ex to reminisce...it screams "hey, remembered me? Meeeeee!". I've experienced this.
> 
> Take her up on her offer to block him.


I may end up doing that but I want to wait and see what happens on a couple of upcoming dates. Her birthday is coming and the anniversary of that concert date is coming as well. I want to see what happens.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> I may end up doing that but I want to wait and see what happens on a couple of upcoming dates. Her birthday is coming and the anniversary of that concert date is coming as well. I want to see what happens.


That’s smart if you have any doubts. Him still liking her content means he’s still pursuing, she hasn’t shut him down. But that doesn’t mean she’s responded to him either. Does she like any of his FB posts?


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> That’s smart if you have any doubts. Him still liking her content means he’s still pursuing, she hasn’t shut him down. But that doesn’t mean she’s responded to him either. Does she like any of his FB posts?


No not a single one aside from the first time he initiated contact by friending her and posting about that concert date, but all she said was how good the show was, nothing about anything else about it. Between that and her shutting down or ignoring the couple of comments that were over the line, makes me think I may be overreacting and what she is telling me is true from her perspective anyway. In fact, the conversations tended to drop off after the comments, so maybe she realized what was going on and just wouldn't say that to me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> No not a single one aside from the first time he initiated contact by friending her and posting about that concert date, but all she said was how good the show was, nothing about anything else about it. Between that and her shutting down or ignoring the couple of comments that were over the line, makes me think I may be overreacting and what she is telling me is true from her perspective anyway. In fact, the conversations tended to drop off after the comments, so maybe she realized what was going on and just wouldn't say that to me.


Yea, so watch if you want but definately have her block him. You want to show that you’re guarding your marriage and you want to show to that POS that you’ve pulled the plug. Take charge of this issue.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If your spidey sense is tingling there's a reason for it. She offered to block him, tell her yes, you'd feel better if she blocked him. It does not make you look paranoid or controlling. It makes you look like you care about your marriage and this is a boundary for you. You'd respect hers, she should respect yours, that's how it works. 

It's romantic that you're protective and stuff, I hope she appreciates it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

kasdan27 said:


> I debated posting this as in some ways it seems silly, but sometimes it's hard to get out of your own head and a fresh perspective can help, so here goes.
> 
> My wife and I are both in our early 40's and have been married for 10 years with 3 children. Now I'm not a big Facebook user, I have an account but just find it sucks away too much time. I do have it to keep up with some family etc. as I live far away from my family, but other than that I'm not posting all the time or anything like that. Now my wife, on the other hand, is glued to it. That never really bothered me, until a couple of months ago.
> 
> ...


I say either a spouse wants the past with an ex, or they want the future with me....choice is theirs. If my wife wanted to remain friends with ex- lovers, it would raise serious compatibility issues with me. Not FB friends with exes, by my choice/belief and I would expect a woman I am going to remain married to, to have the same rules.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Well one thing does seem clear, I'm not being silly. And here I was feeling guilty for snooping.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like he’s interested and she, fortunately, isn’t. EA’s and PA’s often begin with a FB connection.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, so watch if you want but definately have her block him. You want to show that you’re guarding your marriage and you want to show to that POS that you’ve pulled the plug. Take charge of this issue.


Also, you need to have a serious conversation with her about never lying to you again. That’s a big deal. 
And trying to downplay an old boyfriend that she’s still in contact with as “just a friend” is a lie. It’s intentionally dishonest. You need to make it very clear that dishonesty in such matters is not acceptable.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like he’s interested and she, fortunately, isn’t. EA’s and PA’s often begin with a FB connection.


Yeah part of me was thinking that as well. Yet it still bugs me and I can't let it go so I'm regularly checking.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> Yeah part of me was thinking that as well. Yet it still bugs me and I can't let it go so I'm regularly checking.


Because you’re insecure and have a hard time trusting that it’s done.
or
something worse that I won’t say.

Id say check as much as you need to and build up your confidence.
But at some point, if there’s no evidence, then you have to step back for your own mental health.

Any lie you hear or any inconsistency will set things back to square one, and it absolutely _should_ be checked further.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Because you’re insecure and have a hard time trusting that it’s done.
> or
> something worse that I won’t say.
> 
> ...


Checking is a like a drug. I'm already trying to ween myself off by reducing how much I check, but you are right at some point I need to stop for my own sanity.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

kasdan27 said:


> No not a single one aside from the first time he initiated contact by friending her and posting about that concert date, but all she said was how good the show was, nothing about anything else about it. Between that and her shutting down or ignoring the couple of comments that were over the line, makes me think I may be overreacting and what she is telling me is true from her perspective anyway. In fact, the conversations tended to drop off after the comments, so maybe she realized what was going on and just wouldn't say that to me.


Look I’m a female, and I think there’s nothing for you to worry about. It’s very clear to me she’s not responding and trying to ghost him. She doesn’t seem defensive at all and seems happy to block him. (I probably would block him anyway).

He seems really socially awkward and very strange, I wouldn’t be liking an exes photo or anyone’s husband photo either. He’s a bit off. 

As for your wife not telling you, I’ve had men say stupid things or try a bit hard to be friendly and I always shut it down or ignore, and rarely tell my husband. A few tried again even with a stern warning to not speak to me like that. 

I don’t tell him anymore, not because I’m keeping secrets, but because I feel it would be disrespectful and a bit juvenile for me to be telling him every single time I thought someone was hitting on me. That wouldn’t really help his self-esteem at all. Early on when younger I did tell him and it made him feel angry. But also ok knowing it was shut down real quick from my end.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Look I’m a female, and I think there’s nothing for you to worry about. It’s very clear to me she’s not responding and trying to ghost him. She doesn’t seem defensive at all and seems happy to block him. (I probably would block him anyway).
> 
> He seems really socially awkward and very strange, I wouldn’t be liking an exes photo or anyone’s husband photo either. He’s a bit off.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. Perhaps you are right. I'm not used to feeling like this typically I don't even think about it. But something about this one just didn't sit right with me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife’s interaction with this guy made you uncomfortable. She asked you did you want her to block him and you said no. 
WHY?


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

My wife and I have an understanding that we are the most important people in each others lives and if any other person makes one of us uncomfortable the other drops them from our life, including blocking them on social media. It rarely happens but every few years someone may fit the profile. 

Nothing more important than her and me.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife’s interaction with this guy made you uncomfortable. She asked you did you want her to block him and you said no.
> WHY?


I don't know. I am kicking myself for not making her at the time trust me. At the time the willingness she had to do it made it seem like it was no big deal in her eyes and I was making more out of it than needed, but now I wish my answer was different.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> I don't know. I am kicking myself for not making her at the time trust me. At the time the willingness she had to do it made it seem like it was no big deal in her eyes and I was making more out of it than needed, but now I wish my answer was different.


Then make it different. Tell her you thought about it and it bothers you and ask her to block him.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> Well I was not in a good mood needless to say and she picked up on it one night and asked me about it. So I asked her about this guy. She said he was just a friend of hers and wouldn't admit it was more than that until I pressed her about it a bit.


There you go... trickle-truthing you, keeping secrets and using euphemisms. No good. This is a warning sign to you. In one harmless sentence she communicated to you that 1) she IS keeping secrets from you, 2) she will not stop advances from other men and 3) she will try to provide you with as little information as she can. She will also start calling you a "controlling freak" if you try to stop her flirting, which will no doubt result in an EA unless you put a stop to it.

By the by, this is EXACTLY how my XW met up with her ex boyfriend 11 years into our marriage (I just found out about it a few weeks ago).



> She offered me her phone so I could read the messages and even offered to block him if it would make me more comfortable, which I declined.


WHY? Now you can't stop thinking about it. Soon enough you will not be able to sleep or eat a meal without having to go to the bathroom because food will go right through you. Dude, she literally offered you ending whatever she had going on right there and then and you just told her, in _womanese_, that you're ok with her continuing her relationship with her ex. Would you rather be a "controlling freak" or have to hear ILYBNILWY?



> At first that went a long way to making me feel better, but I find I can't get the situation out of my head for some reason and now I'm insecure about it.


Because your gut is telling you you made a mistake not taking her up on the offer. That's why. Your gut KNOWS something messed up is going on. Never in your wildest dreams did you think your wife would be so welcoming of other men's advances to the point she would lie to you and yet... here you are. Dude, you just walked right into your wife either talking to one of her _orbiters_ (which is bad news because now you know your wife has _orbiters_ and your gut is telling you that) or she is intentionally letting things develop into what is most likely going to become an EA and then, without a doubt, a way for her to monkey branch into another relationship with you not knowing exactly what happened.



> So I was wondering if you all just think I'm being silly over nothing or should I be worried. If I am being silly do you have any suggestions on how I move forward and forget about it?


Take it from someone who had something similar happen to him: Take your wife up on the offer (see the chats) and ask her to block the ex. Then monitor her and her communication (*without her knowledge*) to ensure she isn't doing anything else behind your back. And don't let the "controlling" horsesh-t stop you: you're trying to save YOUR relationship.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> The convos actually stopped between them before I even figured it out[…]


OR they just went off-grid, which is how most EAs start to develop.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


kasdan27 said:



I should also clarify she hasn't talked to him in a while. They don't text or anything like that (yes I checked), so maybe she cut it all off, I don't know.

Click to expand...

*That you KNOW of. It's very easy to delete texts on one's phone.

There are also *many* chat apps that don't use the texting feature on one's phone, such as SnapChat and WhatsApp, TextFree, TextMe, etc. etc. etc. Stop being naive.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> Not much to blow up for him though. From what I have found he is unemployed, alone and living in his parents basement. Real winner. Another reason why this whole thing baffles me.


Don’t ever let something like that distract you. If you were to see a picture of my XW’s last hook up you’d be like “what the f-k?!” He’s 50 pounds overweight, balding and has barely any money.

It’s not about the guy, it’s about getting her emotional needs met.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

kasdan27 said:


> She offered me her phone so I could read the messages and even offered to block him if it would make me more comfortable, which I declined.





kasdan27 said:


> and her willingness to let me read everything and block him should tell me everything I need to know.


Yes, it should. I think you should tell her that on second thought you'd prefer if she did block him, and that neither of you are in contact with ex's going forward. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Not at all. You could bring up the book 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass, and read it together. It explains how a LOT of affairs start just like this, both participants are happily married, good people and neither one intended for it to happen. 

She didn't lie when you asked her about it, you found nothing inappropriate (on her end) apart from them conversing, and she offered for you to read the messages and to block him. Those are all good things.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Does she have Instagram? If so, does he comment there? Not to make you worry, but if there is something going on at all, cutting him off on FB won't end that.

But, it sounds like your wife is being honest with you, since she didn't push back and suggested blocking him if you're not comfortable. There are manyyyy stories on here, where the opposite happens, and the spouse in question fights to keep this ex on social media around at all costs. 

I'd say this could simply be a case of an ex ''watching'' her on social media, and if she's not responsive, that's all that matters. But, the only way he can see her private posts is if he's friends with her on FB, so she should just quietly unfriend him, and he won't be able to see what she posts privately. Blocking him will prevent him from sending her messages, and if she makes posts ''public,'' then he'll be able to see and there's nothing she can do. 

So, at some point, she had to friend this guy for him to see her private content.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Does she have Instagram? If so, does he comment there? Not to make you worry, but if there is something going on at all, cutting him off on FB won't end that.
> 
> But, it sounds like your wife is being honest with you, since she didn't push back and suggested blocking him if you're not comfortable. There are manyyyy stories on here, where the opposite happens, and the spouse in question fights to keep this ex on social media around at all costs.


Yes Snapchat and Instagram. I'm on Instagram as well and have seen nothing, but I'm not a Snapchat user so I'm not that familiar with how it works, but I did take a peak at that one day too and didn't see anything in there. I also looked through the phone and didn't find any of the other popular messaging apps that get used for things like this and found none.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

kasdan27 said:


> Yes Snapchat and Instagram. I'm on Instagram as well and have seen nothing, but I'm not a Snapchat user so I'm not that familiar with how it works, but I did take a peak at that one day too and didn't see anything in there. I also looked through the phone and didn't find any of the other popular messaging apps that get used for things like this and found none.


That is a good sign and most likely, it’s a one-sided thing and it has stopped. You asked earlier in the thread why it bugs you, and maybe just the thought of your wife chatting with an ex caused you to feel slightly jealous or threatened? Your wife sounds like she is being truthful with you so hopefully, you have nothing to worry about. ☺


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'm somewhat baffled about one thing here.
You are bothered by this, she offered to block him.and you refused.
Why?
You have full access to her FB, so you could check at any time.
You brought your dismay to her attention, and she freely gave up her phone for you to check.
If she had a thing going on with him, certainly she wouldn't be so transparent.
If it bothers you, have her block him.
If not, as long as you have the transparency you appear to have, I wouldn't worry about it.
And yes, my wife is as big a FB junky as yours is.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> I'm somewhat baffled about one thing here.
> You are bothered by this, she offered to block him.and you refused.
> Why?
> You have full access to her FB, so you could check at any time.
> ...


I think it's the aspect of that seems a bit controlling, should I not trust her. And since she offered it all that told me that there is nothing there. But after a few days it bothered me again, that's why I ultimately came here to figure out if I just need to let it go or be concerned.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

kasdan27 said:


> I think it's the aspect of that seems a bit controlling, should I not trust her. And since she offered it all that told me that there is nothing there. But after a few days it bothered me again, that's why I ultimately came here to figure out if I just need to let it go or be concerned.


Repeating what has already been said… do your due diligence and if there’s nothing to find, move on.

Here’s something else to drive you nuts… check the App Store. Those chat apps you mentioned that weren’t on the phone, are they being deleted when you’re home and reinstalled when you’re not? The App Store will show you if they have ever been downloaded. Have fun with that!

In the end, if she is gonna cheat, there’s nothing you can do about it and if she is smart and doesn’t make a mistake then you probably won’t discover it without professional help. If you really suspect something, keep quiet and watch. If not then come to terms with it and move on.

From this armchair with the comments so far, it feels like there’s nothing to find.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Repeating what has already been said… do your due diligence and if there’s nothing to find, move on.
> 
> Here’s something else to drive you nuts… check the App Store. Those chat apps you mentioned that weren’t on the phone, are they being deleted when you’re home and reinstalled when you’re not? The App Store will show you if they have ever been downloaded. Have fun with that!
> 
> ...


Thanks. You are probably right. I believe I will keep my eye out through the next few just to make sure and then I will do my best to drop it. Ultimately you are correct, if she's going to cheat, she will. But she has never given me any reason to ever doubt before, so perhaps I should give the person I trust a bit of benefit of the doubt.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@kasdan27 

your gut is correct - I'm very expert in social media and flirting 

1- liking every photo and love emoji means the guys is hitting on your wife and flirting with her
2- she is allowing that means she is flirting back

the above points are facts, now where it leads

1- either she is already talking to him or meeting with him behind your back (he is just friend means he is more than a friend) - think about it, he is the guy she slept with and understands her personality and how to click her buttons 

2- she is already in affair fog and already physical. 

lastly

dont feel back for snooping around, this your right as a spouse to protect your family in this age and era of social war. 

take it underground and investigate and check your wife phone. do not confront 

if you check my posts from a while back - same thing happened with a friend of mine


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

kasdan27 said:


> I think it's the aspect of that seems a bit controlling, should I not trust her. And since she offered it all that told me that there is nothing there. But after a few days it bothered me again, that's why I ultimately came here to figure out if I just need to let it go or be concerned.


I'd say as long as she maintains the transparency, you're fine.
Probably the only difference between your wife and mine is that if I even LOOKED troubled by someone she had on FB, they'd be gone, no questions asked. My input on it would not be necessary. 
Frankly, I hate FB. She is the one that set up a page for me, w/o my knowledge. One day, I had had enough, and shut down my page. She found out, and all hell let loose. After the argument, I found out that the reason that she was so upset was that she wanted me to maintain the page so that I would have access to hers. I noticed sometime before that she had been on my laptop and modified my sign-in so that I would have full access to her page from my laptop (we both have laptops and iphones.) I have kept my page because I figured that if my wife went to that extent to have that much transparency, then why would I want to thwart it?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> I debated posting this as in some ways it seems silly, but sometimes it's hard to get out of your own head and a fresh perspective can help, so here goes.
> 
> My wife and I are both in our early 40's and have been married for 10 years with 3 children. Now I'm not a big Facebook user, I have an account but just find it sucks away too much time. I do have it to keep up with some family etc. as I live far away from my family, but other than that I'm not posting all the time or anything like that. Now my wife, on the other hand, is glued to it. That never really bothered me, until a couple of months ago.
> 
> ...


This particular friend must be bothering you for a reason, you know that something does not sit right and always trust your instinct.
On reading your posts I would consider this as a borderline emotional affair which could easily evolve into something more. 
I suggest the following, explain to your wife that you`re not happy with her association and communications with this guy and how would she feel if you were in frequent contact with an ex-girlfriend on the social media and perfer her to block him.
Now keep in mind even if your wife agrees to drop this jerk, it is possible to post on facebook and block a particular friend or friends from seeing certain posts.
So open another facebook profile in another name, any name, whereas you will be able to see on her facebook any posts she has blocked from you.
And for now on keep a discrete eye on your wife`s online activities, watch who she talks or texts to, where she goes and who with.
Judging by the several responses you have posted on here this is troubling you and quite rightly. you need peace of mind.
For the time being keep cool and avoid mentioning this guy, otherwise your wife will cover up even more. If you do find any evidence that something is going on, grab the evidence and confront her with it, then it is up to you to decide your way forward from there.
Hopefully this is all innocent, but as I said, keep check until you are satisfied.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@kasdan27 

again "he is just a friend" always always always means he is someone I FOOK with 

you cant find any messages between them, then they are doing a good job hiding it through an app or deleting their conversations


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> I'd say as long as she maintains the transparency, you're fine.
> Probably the only difference between your wife and mine is that if I even LOOKED troubled by someone she had on FB, they'd be gone, no questions asked. My input on it would not be necessary.
> Frankly, I hate FB. She is the one that set up a page for me, w/o my knowledge. One day, I had had enough, and shut down my page. She found out, and all hell let loose. After the argument, I found out that the reason that she was so upset was that she wanted me to maintain the page so that I would have access to hers. I noticed sometime before that she had been on my laptop and modified my sign-in so that I would have full access to her page from my laptop (we both have laptops and iphones.) I have kept my page because I figured that if my wife went to that extent to have that much transparency, then why would I want to thwart it?


We just have a joint acct. like this (John Yoko Lennon). If they are not friends of both, family, church friends they are not added. Ex's are off limits on either side.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Well this post got way more attention than I ever thought it would. Thank you everyone with all the differing opinions on what's going on and for making me feel better for how I've reacted. For now, I think the best course is to keep watching and gather evidence if necessary. Hopefully, it won't be necessary. I don't think I'm going to bring anything up again at least until after we get through a few of those dates I mentioned in an earlier reply. Again, thank you everyone for the assist. I really needed it and wasn't sure where I could turn for advice from people that don't have any sort of emotional attachment to either one of us.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> [...]I ultimately came here to figure out if I just need to let it go or be concerned.


I wish there was a better way of putting it but... you better start implementing what you have been recommended. Like... yesterday.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: your SO sounds and looks like she's developing emotions for someone else, otherwise she would not be keeping her conversations a secret.

Secrecy is the # 1 hint that there's a third person in the relationship that is taking up emotional space that should be there only for you.

Claim your territory.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Handle it as you like but I’m a direct to the point type of guy. If I were the man in your shoes I’d message or call the guy directly and let him know I don’t appreciate his forwardness with my wife and if he needs a follow up visit as a reminder in the future it can be arranged.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I read an article some time back that stated that a full third of today's divorces are the result of a spouse hooking back up with an ex through Facebook. I agree with others that you should have taken her up on her offer to block him.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

You're ok with any exes being 'friends'? Both of you have poor boundaries now its coming to bite you in the ass.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> I read an article some time back that stated that a full third of today's divorces are the result of a spouse hooking back up with an ex through Facebook. I agree with others that you should have taken her up on her offer to block him.


The exes know exactly what emotions they need to trigger/elicit for the unsuspecting spouse to make the emotional bridge, especially if it was the ex that broke it off.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

kasdan27 said:


> I debated posting this as in some ways it seems silly, but sometimes it's hard to get out of your own head and a fresh perspective can help, so here goes.
> 
> My wife and I are both in our early 40's and have been married for 10 years with 3 children. Now I'm not a big Facebook user, I have an account but just find it sucks away too much time. I do have it to keep up with some family etc. as I live far away from my family, but other than that I'm not posting all the time or anything like that. Now my wife, on the other hand, is glued to it. That never really bothered me, until a couple of months ago.
> 
> ...


Why would you say no to her blocking him? If she is willing to do it, then let her in this one instance.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> Why would you say no to her blocking him? If she is willing to do it, then let her in this one instance.


Agree.

I'd go back and just say "look, I've been thinking about it, and it bothers me that he's been contacting and following you like this, so please go back and block him."

and then add whatever else you want to add about his "likes" making you uncomfortable or angry.

honestly, not sure where you live, but with the amount of crazies and domestic violence issues involving exes I see in the news around here, anyone NOT putting a stop to aggressive meddling in the relationship on social media is playing with fire.


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## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

I'd also casually monitor the situation to make sure she follows through and he's really gone.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

blackclover3 said:


> _*@kasdan27
> ...*_*you cant find any messages between them, then they are doing a good job hiding it through an app or deleting their conversations*


I tried to tell him that much earlier in this thread. I'd mentioned SnapChat in my post and lo and behold a few replies further down in the thread, the OP is saying she's got SnapChat.

No wonder she so freely hands over her phone. There's nothing in her phone texts and the OP has no clue what he's looking for anyway.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> I read an article some time back that stated that a full third of today's divorces are the result of a spouse hooking back up with an ex through Facebook. I agree with others that you should have taken her up on her offer to block him.


Yup, I can attest to this alright!


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I tried to tell him that much earlier in this thread. I'd mentioned SnapChat in my post and lo and behold a few replies further down in the thread, the OP is saying she's got SnapChat.
> 
> No wonder she so freely hands over her phone. There's nothing in her phone texts and the OP has no clue what he's looking for anyway.


Oh trust me I hear you on that and I'm doing the best I can to try and determine if they are or not, but it does become more difficult to figure out with Snapchat involved that's for sure.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Reluctant Texan said:


> I'd also casually monitor the situation to make sure she follows through and he's really gone.


This is what any spouse should be doing in the course of their relationship anyway.
As Ronald Reagan put it "Trust but verify."


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

kasdan27 said:


> Oh trust me I hear you on that and I'm doing the best I can to try and determine if they are or not, but it does become more difficult to figure out with Snapchat involved that's for sure.


So have her remove Snapchat. 
Tell her she’s a married woman and Snapchat is not appropriate app for her to be using. It’s a simple and reasonable expectation that you have for your marriage. You can tell her no, I’m not OK with my wife using Snapchat.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> This is what any spouse should be doing in the course of their relationship anyway.
> As Ronald Reagan put it "Trust but verify."


VERY wise words.

No one has to know either.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

kasdan27 said:


> I debated posting this as in some ways it seems silly, but sometimes it's hard to get out of your own head and a fresh perspective can help, so here goes.
> 
> My wife and I are both in our early 40's and have been married for 10 years with 3 children. Now I'm not a big Facebook user, I have an account but just find it sucks away too much time. I do have it to keep up with some family etc. as I live far away from my family, but other than that I'm not posting all the time or anything like that. Now my wife, on the other hand, is glued to it. That never really bothered me, until a couple of months ago.
> 
> ...


If this guy bothers you and she asks you if you want her to block him, WHY in the world would you decline? You don't save face in a marriage, you put all your cards on the table.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He is pursuing your wife. That is why you feel uneasy.

Your wife should have blocked him on her own when he over stepped.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think you should tell her what you are thinking. Let her know that you think this guy is pursuing her. Let her know it’s her choice how to handle this guy. Then ask how she would feel if an ex of yours was pursuing you and you didn’t shut it down.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

There are ways that don't leave trails to communicate. Many here have discussed apps that don't show data usage on the phone bills. Ask about these with the folks here. Just asking her to do what she volunteered to do could actually be misdirection. Of course it's pure speculation at worst. You have to be the judge of what you find acceptable and not acceptable in your relationship. No one here can define that for you. Decide what's right or wrong, talk sensibility with your wife. Ensure you let her know what your comfort zone and boundaries are. No confusion this way and can head off a lot of misguided jealous feelings.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

To the OP:
You need to grow a pair.
Find that guy`s facebook profile and tell him to stop contacting and hitting on your wife otherwise he can expect trouble.
How he responds and if the guy blocks you then you will know somethings up.
If your wife complains about you contacting this guy, explain in no uncertain terms, it`s going to stop otherwise she too can expect trouble and don`t worry what she thinks.
Make it clear you won`t be treated like a sap and won`t put up with any crap. 
Eventually your wife will respect you more for being a man.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

ABHale said:


> I think you should tell her what you are thinking. Let her know that you think this guy is pursuing her. Let her know it’s her choice how to handle this guy. Then ask how she would feel if an ex of yours was pursuing you and you didn’t shut it down.


This.
I'd also add this: Tell her that you have had ex's pursue you, and you* have shut them down.*
Ask her why she hasn't.
Tell her that you have the right to feel safe in your marriage.
Add that if she valued your marriage, she would have shut him down automatically without asking you.
Scare her sh**less. Put the onus on her to explain her actions, and demonstrate to you she hasn't hooked up with him.
When I gave my earlier answer, I zoned in on the FB platform.
I didn't realize that she was active on other platforms.
You have some homework to do.
Social media is truly the race to the bottom.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Delete snapchat and have her change her phone number and email. Then still block this OM
with these new number and email. Should down all other internet apps.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Tdbo said:


> Social media is truly the race to the bottom


What is amazing is wife and I are on NO social media, and never have been. Have missed nothing. 

We have a relative who trashed her 25 year marriage with a fool she "met" on FB. Her husband divorced her, remarried two years later, is living the good life. His XW married the FB fool who has yet to work a day and has major anger issues. She walks on eggshells to keep from p1ssing him off.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Snapchat is in fact the cheaters app. As are others already mentioned.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Handle it as you like but I’m a direct to the point type of guy. If I were the man in your shoes I’d message or call the guy directly and let him know I don’t appreciate his forwardness with my wife and if he needs a follow up visit as a reminder in the future it can be arranged.


Oh hell yes, brother! Preach that!


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Social media is a fake. It should be called anti social media..people never really socialize the right way....face to face!


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

kasdan. How’s it going? How are you doing?


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Landofblue said:


> kasdan. How’s it going? How are you doing?


Hey Landofblue,

Thanks for checking in. Well, about the same in some ways, better than others. I haven't said anything yet as I'm waiting for certain days to pass and I don't want to draw any attention to things. Right now I'm choosing to trust but I am keeping an eye out. I know some in this thread don't agree with that, but other than the little I described I have seen nothing suspicious.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Hey my man, I wish the best for you and your wife. Hope this is just bad communication and lack of understanding each other's boundaries. Peace be with you


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Hey my man, I wish the best for you and your wife. Hope this is just bad communication and lack of understanding each other's boundaries. Peace be with you


Thanks man. I do as well. And I appreciate all the advice from everyone, even those that think I'm being naive. Trust me it was all valuable. For now, my eyes are open as is my mind and we will see what happens. I will update here if something does. I know I hate reading posts asking questions but then never hear what finally happened with it. lol.

For now I am choosing to trust but keeping my eye out. After examining the chats they really died after one of his inappropriate comments, and all this happened way before I even figured it out. So my guess is she put a stop it after that because she realized it wasn't right. At least that's my hope. For now my eyes are peeled but I'm choosing to move forward and trying to open more meaningful communication with her outside of the daily life stuff with kids that so many married couples get into. It's not easy as habits are hard to break but I'm trying.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> Thanks man. I do as well. And I appreciate all the advice from everyone, even those that think I'm being naive. Trust me it was all valuable. For now, my eyes are open as is my mind and we will see what happens. I will update here if something does. I know I hate reading posts asking questions but then never hear what finally happened with it. lol.
> 
> For now I am choosing to trust but keeping my eye out. After examining the chats they really died after one of his inappropriate comments, and all this happened way before I even figured it out. So my guess is she put a stop it after that because she realized it wasn't right. At least that's my hope. For now my eyes are peeled but I'm choosing to move forward and trying to open more meaningful communication with her outside of the daily life stuff with kids that so many married couples get into. It's not easy as habits are hard to break but I'm trying.


She's going to know you're watching. Meaning she may find other ways of communicating with the OM.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> She's going to know you're watching. Meaning she may find other ways of communicating with the OM.


Definitely a possibility. I'm hoping not since the conversation seemed to stop completely long before I even figured it out. But definitely something I've considered. All I can do is keep my eyes open.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> Definitely a possibility. I'm hoping not since the conversation seemed to stop completely long before I even figured it out. But definitely something I've considered. All I can do is keep my eyes open.


Which may not be enough now. Once these animals go _off grid_, it’s extremely difficult to catch them in the act (absent a PI of course).

Don’t get me wrong, eventually they will drop the ball but it may take you months and even years before you find something.

There’s a case of adultery that everyone here talks about… husband and wife in their 50s I believe… completely and madly in love with each other. Turns out she was going through a rampant case of hypergamy and cheating on him with her boss (I think she was working at a hotel). He never suspected anything as they were both madly in love with each other… great sex life, in love, children were taken care of, etc.

He found out by mere chance when he checked his Find Me app on the iPhone and it located his wife’s phone at a hotel miles away from their house (husband was on a business trip).


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

kasdan27 said:


> Thanks man. I do as well. And I appreciate all the advice from everyone, even those that think I'm being naive. Trust me it was all valuable. For now, my eyes are open as is my mind and we will see what happens. I will update here if something does. I know I hate reading posts asking questions but then never hear what finally happened with it. lol.
> 
> For now I am choosing to trust but keeping my eye out. After examining the chats they really died after one of his inappropriate comments, and all this happened way before I even figured it out. So my guess is she put a stop it after that because she realized it wasn't right. At least that's my hope. For now my eyes are peeled but I'm choosing to move forward and trying to open more meaningful communication with her outside of the daily life stuff with kids that so many married couples get into. It's not easy as habits are hard to break but I'm trying.


Better to let the paranoia and concern out here than worry an innocent spouse to death!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

TinyTbone said:


> Better to let the paranoia and concern out here than worry an innocent spouse to death!


 Assuming she is innocent



kasdan27 said:


> She said he was* just a friend *of hers and wouldn't admit it was more than that until I pressed her about it a bit. She then said yes but it was a long time ago and *it's not like that*.


 These are what set the alarm bells off for me. Lies by omission and minimization aren't used when someone knows what they are doing is completely innocent. I think he's smart to sit back and observe, he just needs to observe VERY thoroughly all possibilities. Good luck @kasdan27 I hope it works out the best way possible for you.


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Assuming she is innocent
> 
> 
> These are what set the alarm bells off for me. Lies by omission and minimization aren't used when someone knows what they are doing is completely innocent. I think he's smart to sit back and observe, he just needs to observe VERY thoroughly all possibilities. Good luck @kasdan27 I hope it works out the best way possible for you.


That was the one part of that conversation that has kept my radar up and ultimately caused me to post here. I've been doing what I can to observe. Any pointers on that front would be helpful as well. I'm not accustomed to having to even think about having to watch.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

kasdan27 said:


> That was the one part of that conversation that has kept my radar up and ultimately caused me to post here. I've been doing what I can to observe. Any pointers on that front would be helpful as well. I'm not accustomed to having to even think about having to watch.


Some of this may be very useful to you, it's also in my sig line because it is so needed by many.
*Standard evidence gathering thread* Standard Evidence Post


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Some of this may be very useful to you, it's also in my sig line because it is so needed by many.
> *Standard evidence gathering thread* Standard Evidence Post


Excellent advice 100%


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Some of this may be very useful to you, it's also in my sig line because it is so needed by many.
> *Standard evidence gathering thread* Standard Evidence Post


Thanks there is a lot of good advice in there. But, does anyone else think it's pretty sad that so many of us have to resort to this?


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## DontBelieveSquat (3 mo ago)

I can understand the frustration. In my wife's world, it's "I slept with you, he slept with her, she slept with him, we hooked up, I dated him", etc., and we're all the best of friends!

It doesn't work that way with me. If you were ever in my life as a romantic partner, you are not in it today. All it serves to do is create tension and trouble, and that is exactly why I don't invite that kind of trouble into my relationship/marriage. 

I don't think it's being insecure. I don't blame you at all.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

DontBelieveSquat said:


> I can understand the frustration. In my wife's world, it's "I slept with you, he slept with her, she slept with him, we hooked up, I dated him", etc., and we're all the best of friends!
> 
> It doesn't work that way with me. If you were ever in my life as a romantic partner, you are not in it today. All it serves to do is create tension and trouble, and that is exactly why I don't invite that kind of trouble into my relationship/marriage.
> 
> I don't think it's being insecure. I don't blame you at all.


There's a reason we call them ex's!


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## kasdan27 (3 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> There's a reason we call them ex's!


EXactly. 

For those of you that are curious, so far I have found nothing. Now I haven't gone all VAR on it yet, but i have been able to check all devices and have found nothing. So maybe it's nothing but thank you to everyone who at least told me I wasn't crazy. haha.


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