# Help me decide what to do. please. I love and hate him at the same time.



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

I am 35 and have been in a 10-year relationship with my boyfriend [35]. We have had our ups and downs and our experiences have left me with some very confused feelings. I seriously love his company and want to be around him all the time but at the same time, I feel deep anger and resentment toward him (for lying to me in the past) that has made me unaffectionate and spiteful.

These conflicting feelings are making me go crazy and the limbo we are in is unfair to both of us. On one hand, I feel like my feelings of resentment are insurmountable and that both of us might be happier in new relationships, but on the other hand, I have no real desire to date anyone and can't handle the idea of being apart from him or of him being with someone else. I also know he loves me unconditionally and is willing to do anything to make our relationship work (he has seen a counselor, been transparent, been waiting for multiple years for me to regain my feelings for him, many other things) and i can't imagine ever finding someone else like him.

We've recently had an argument (5 days ago) and I left and broke it off (we currently live separately). This is the most "final" of a break up we have ever had (this has happened 2 or 3 times before), the first time he has not called and texted me constantly, and also the longest we've ever gone without "making-up". In the last day, I can feel my feelings toward him changing...I am feeling some of the affection I have not felt in a long time (e.g., I want him to hug me/comfort me whereas I didn't feel that for a long, long time).

Are these feelings real or just my fear of being alone?...or are they my real reaction after being faced with the possibility of actually being without him for the first time?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think you both need the time to detach and work on each of your individual issues. You need a therapist to help you deal with your resentment issues. Your anger is acting like a barrier that blocks out understanding and intimacy. If you can't let go of the anger, and if punishing him is more important to you, then you should let him go and move on. Either way, you need the help to learn to deal with anger and resentment. That is a baggage that you will carry with you to the next relationship. If he keeps doing things that make you feel resentful, then he may not be right for you either. He may have boundary issues that he needs to work on. The truth is, you both probably should not be in a relationship until each of you get your sh1t together.


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

i definitely think counseling is going to be necessary...i can't navigate or understand my own feelings.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

A good counselor will help you navigate your thoughts and emotions to help you gain insight to figure out why you are feeling the way you are, and tools to help you deal with those issues in a healthy manner. I personally believe that whatever pain he has caused you, you are still feeling personally, and you have not moved on from that. Sometimes the damage done is too great to forget and move on, and everyone is different in that regard. Sure you can still love him, but like infidelity for some people, once that line is crossed, the relationship is done. It is not right or wrong if you break-up after that. Some people don't know if they can forgive or not until enough time has pass and they can sort out their emotions. If you still feel significant pain from what he did, you may not be over it, and you may be punishing him for your pain.


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

your reply is so on point that it is scary and has brought me back to tears. I feel such strong grief for what was lost due to his betrayals that I am overwhelmed. and I am punishing him when I make rude, resentful comments. what is wrong with me that I can't move past things that I know are over and know he will never, ever do again?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> your reply is so on point that it is scary and has brought me back to tears. I feel such strong grief for what was lost due to his betrayals that I am overwhelmed. and I am punishing him when I make rude, resentful comments. what is wrong with me that I can't move past things that I know are over and know he will never, ever do again?


My impression is that he had an affair. Is this correct? How long ago did he do whatever he did?

You said that he went through counseling.

What have you done to help you get through this?


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

he did not have an affair, but he did multiple (minor) things that I consider infidelity from 2007-2010. We've been trying to fix it ever since. However, it was the lying that hurt me the most...then his defensiveness. By the time he stopped being defensive (he saw a good counselor that helped him pull his head out of his ass) my heart was shattered and it seemed like it was too late.

we saw a couples counselor who we learned later was pretty useless and i saw an individual counselor for a short time, but haven't really done anything else...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What things has your husband done to prove that he can be trusted?

Are the two of you completely transparent about all things now?

Does he now come to you can tell you when something happens that he knows will upset you and be considered untrustworthy?


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

he has gone above and beyond to prove that he can be trusted. he has given me access to any online accounts he has, phone records, even met with someone in preparation for taking a lie detector test to prove to me that he wasn't hiding anything more. he is fully transparent and makes sure to tell me things even if he knows it might upset me.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Resentment is a defensive mechanism to help you from being vulnerable to any more pain. You lost your trust in him to stop hurting you. You keep reinforcing those negative emotions with him, and that is probably why you hate him. To let go of the pain, you have to start focusing on the positive and keep focusing on him with those positive emotions. You have to find the acceptance that he is flawed and bound to make mistakes that may hurt you again. You also have to communicate to him that you are not over the hurt, and you need time to work through it. Attachment can lead to suffering and as well as fulfillment. You have to learn to accept the good and bad when it comes to attachments.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Something for you to contemplate: When a person hangs on to a negative as you are long after a time most would have healed, there is often a reason for it. 

It gives them power. If you give that up, you are no longer the victim, no longer in control of the relationship and you use the trump card that you can always pull out when things are not going your way.

It's a very common thing that people do. 

Not forgiving and moving on is like a person taking poison and thinking that the other person will die. But instead it will kill the person who takes the poison.

You have become an angry victim. You are hurting yourself more than you are hurting your husband. 

I really think that you need to get into some serious individual counseling so that you can let go of this. When you let go of it, you might decide that you won't want to be with him or you might decide that you do. But at least you will not be so tortured. Do it for yourself.


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Mr.Fisty: do you believe that going to counseling is something that will actually help with this? The individual counselor I saw at the beginning of all of this only focused on the passing of my mother as a child while i felt that I needed to try to work on the current problems...it felt irrelevant and was doing nothing to ease my pain.

how much time can it take to get over the hurt? it feels like has already been too long...


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your childhood does matter as it formed you into the person you are to this day. Your beliefs, your way of viewing what a relationship should be like, all that is programmed into you as a child. Your behavior is pretty much formed from your experience and what you learned. Look at your past and the people that were influential with raising you, and see them critically. Most of our disfunction comes from our youth


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

but HOW. HOW do I get rid of resentment?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ask yourself what does resentment do. It keeps the focus on those negative memories and emotions. So whenever you feel pain, you use the anger of resentment to punish him for his transgressions. It is also shielding you from your own issues. Your using it as a defensive mechanism to also take the focus away from yourself. It is a power play. When you feel attack, you will use past resentment as a weapon. So from that I gathered that your communication on both side is probably poor. It seems to me that he is building up his own resentments and walls. He is protecting himself from pain from your anger and resentment.

How to stop resentment from forming and moving on. You have to retrain yourself to use positive reinforcement to see the good qualities that you love about him. Your going to have to retrain yourself into thinking positively and you have to learn that you will likely be hurt again. You need to be vulnerable and learn to communicate your emotions to him in a healthy way. You have to learn to own your emotions by realizing that he may not understand how exactly you feel. Being vulnerable comes with the knowledge that you may feel pain again, and that can only come from acceptance. It is a process, and it will take time. So whenever you feel the negative thoughts and emotions, you have to replace them with positive ones. Like I said, this takes time. Resentment is a behavior brought on by certain stimuli. Behavior does not change over night. You will feel frustrated at times, but you keep trying until it becomes natural. View it this way, your training him to build up his own resentment, and that took time. That is why you need to understand your past, because it is a behavior you probably picked up as a youth. When your young, you probably did not learn to express your emotions in a healthy way.


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

it is so hard to imagine forcing positive thoughts when i am feeling pure rage.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Anger is a symptom of an underlying issue. It could be genetics, it could stem from childhood, or your stressful environment. There are certain breathing exercises and thought imagery to help dispel some of the anger to manageable levels. Anger is actually a healthy emotion because it usually means that something is presenting a threat to us. It is just the excessive anger that takes away all reasoning and clarity. Learn to breathe from your diaphragm, as it helps regulates heart and calms your body. Use calming imagery to try and bring some serenity into your thoughts. Learn to disengage and calm down. Sometimes you have to disengage before things escalate. If you feel your anger rising to levels you cannot handle, remove yourself from the situation until you are able to handle whatever it is that your facing. I think that your communication needs work. From what you are describing, you have an attacking mentality when it comes to argument. You have to learn to use emotional communication instead of attacking. Example," I feel angry because you do not seem to appreciate the things I do. It causes me to feel pain." That is an example of emotional communication. If those techniques do not work, you might need to see a specialist on anger. If you find yourself constantly tearing him down for little mistake, you probably are an abusive person. People with rage issues tend to be emotionally abusive or physically.


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

this is great advice. i will definitely look into the breathing techniques. also, i try to use emotional communication and i know when i need to disengage to avoid escalation, but he does not agree with my logic of disengaging and forces the conversation to continue (following me if i leave the room, etc)...leading to escalation and heightened anger for me.

i wouldn't say i have an attacking mentality during arguments, but i can develop one when pushed beyond my breaking point. sadly, before his betrayal and lies, i'd NEVER seen that side of myself before...

i would also disagree that i am an abusive person, but i have torn him down for little mistakes, before...after the resentment developed.


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

Mr. Fisty: With each passing minute, the more I want to get back together with him and work it out. I feel a desire to hug him and be near him which I haven't felt in a few years and other feeling are weirdly changing so quickly.

What is going on and can I trust these emotions enough to act on them (i.e., try to reconcile)? Is it too soon or something? I am so conflicted and I feel it is unfair to him to even communicate with him if I am not fully invested.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> it is so hard to imagine forcing positive thoughts when i am feeling pure rage.


When you feel pure rage DO NOT engage with your husband. Tell him that you just need to cool down. Then go off by yourself and calm down. Go off to a room. Better yet go do some physical exercise. The brain chemicals produced will help to calm down and clear you mind.

Then, long before you get into a state of pure rage, use thought re-direction.

Humans are different from animals as we can control our thoughts. We cannot usually control the initial raw emotional reaction. But the we can step back and contemplate how we are going to respond/act to that emotion.

You have 100% control over this. You might need to practice it to prove that to yourself and to develop the skill, but you have control.

When you feel (or notice) yourself starting to get thoughts and feels, just stop it. Then redirect your mind to think of something positive. 

For example when I realized that I was losing it because of my husband's affairs, I did this. I used the mind images of things I enjoyed.. like vacations. I would imagine myself walking in the waves on a beach. A breeze ruffling the leaves of a palm tree. 

Of if I wanted more energy, I'd imagine skiing down a black slope.. fast and hard. the shosh shosh of the skis. The bright write snow... 

It works if you are willing to do the work. 

Another think I have done is to use journaling.. stream of conscious journaling. I open MS Word and just start typing my thoughts out furiously. I do it until I have cleared my head. Usually I just delete it... it's like dumping the nonsense and then throwing out the garbage. When I do that my mind is clear afterwards. Then I can do something calming.

there are techniques you can use.

One of them is to think of what you have to lose because you are about to lose your relationship. It sounds like he's about to give up on your relationship. who could blame him?

Humans do wrong things, we all do. If we cannot get forgiveness and redemption for our "sins" then we may as well all give up. 

At some point our anger and outburst turn from justified anger to abuse. From that point forward you are 'sinning". You want forgiveness from him for this? Well you are going to have to forgive him as well. 

I hope it happens before he walks.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymous1978 said:


> Mr. Fisty: With each passing minute, the more I want to get back together with him and work it out. I feel a desire to hug him and be near him which I haven't felt in a few years and other feeling are weirdly changing so quickly.
> 
> What is going on and can I trust these emotions enough to act on them (i.e., try to reconcile)? Is it too soon or something? I am so conflicted and I feel it is unfair to him to even communicate with him if I am not fully invested.


Here is my take on this....

First re-read what you wrote.



anonymous1978 said:


> This is the most "final" of a break up we have ever had (this has happened 2 or 3 times before), the first time he has not called and texted me constantly, and also the longest we've ever gone without "making-up". In the last day, I can feel my feelings toward him changing...I am feeling some of the affection I have not felt in a long time (e.g., I want him to hug me/comfort me whereas I didn't feel that for a long, long time).


I mentioned earlier that often people hang on to anger because it give them power in a relationship.

In the past you could get angry, leave and he would come begging.. reinforcing his love for you and feeding into your power. He had to grovel to get you back. 

Well this time he's not grooving. He's fed up. 

So now you are shifting (subconsciously) to a position of feeling love for him in ways that you have not in the past.

You are right that it's not fair to him to string him along. 

Can you trust your new feelings? They are probably the real feelings that you have kept buried under all the anger. As long as you had that anger you were safe from him being able to hurt you . If you could protect yourself from hurt, you had power ... power for yourself and power in your relationship.

Well now the anger is dissipating because it no longer gives you power. 

Now you are open and vulnerable to him and it scares you. You have good reason to be scared.

The question is are you ready to be vulnerable and to find out if you are safe with him... with out anger?


----------



## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

elegirl: you've given me a lot to think about...thank you so much


----------



## luvnyr99 (Dec 19, 2014)

anonymous1978 said:


> but HOW. HOW do I get rid of resentment?


Wow Resentment .Where would anyone start with this word. We all have a story I'm sure, But we need someones story to help. Right? I think so. Well im gonna try to be short in a sense on my experience of resentment towards my husband ect. But let me define what Resentment has done in my life and to me..


I have been through a tough few years..Did i say few .LOL..Lets say long 14 yrs.. Well i could start with all things that brought on resentment, no trust, anger, bitterness, if all those don't go in one word right RESENTMENT... 

We were out one night, and had few drinks were messing around. He got mad for me saying a bar tender was pretty. K so from there he got mad and wanted to leave. Anyway so he takes off instead of coming home. 

Hours later he finally came home..Come to find out he went to a Totally Nude StripClub.. Damn a little thing to get mad over ruined our marriage. it made me HURT of course and women u can imagine the emotions with that.. Well ok he told me next morning where he went.YOU mean after having SEX that night with me oh you bastard right..yep ..So few days go by after all my questions of course everyday to every hour what happen, what did u do what did she look like blah blah blah.

His words ( I walked in watched one girl dance and walked out and was talking to another guy for a few hours. So come to find out he got a Lap DancE. HE LIED 

Just to add a little of how our relationship was he was insecure, called me names, controlling then add the strip club, So i grew hateful and bitter but i still never lost my love for him. 
BUT i was miserably resentful , hurtful, and non trusting towards him. I was more unhappy then i believe he ever was towards the issue, and those feelings and thoughts only got worse.

i felt he was never sorry, that made me dislike him more and more. Year after Year.. And i could tell him how i felt but it wouldn't change anything. I felt the same THOSE FEELINGS OF ANGER,BITTER,HATE,DISLIKE GREW and GREW it just wouldn't go away.It ate at me daily. 

Sex, Connection, Communication only got more distant And the more we would fight it would build higher resentment towards him..

Years pass and pass I got addicted to pain killers for two years.IT MADE ME NOT CARE ANYMORE. And we only grew further apart. i lived a life he knew nothing of. Then eventually i hit ground and needed help. I NEEDED HIM ...THIS IS ANOTHER STORY.

I have plenty more where that comes but i don't want to write a book if i haven't done a chapter yet. lol. Just a LITTLE insight on my experience.

HOW I HAVE DONE IT SO FAR AND CONTINUE TO? I have had to FORGIVE and CONTINUE TO FORGIVE..Damn AND IT IS HARD...

I have to STOP THINKING ABOUT IT DAILY. YOU HAVE TO MAKE UR SELF STOP PONDERING ON THE HURT HE HAS CAUSED. 

THOUGHTS, IF YOU CONTINUE NEGATIVE THINKING WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WITH RESENTMENT ,
I PROMISE YOU IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY. EVER 

HAVE CONFIDENCE IN YOUR SELF---UNDERSTAND YOUR SELF---UNDERSTAND UR HUSBAND----(YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO ENOUGH SO YOU CAN GROW TOGETHER AND CLOSER
IT WILL TAKE TIME ,IT WILL HURT,BUT IF THERES UNDERSTANDING ON BOTH PARTS ,YOU WILL BE AMAZED AT HOW YOU GROW CLOSER THROUGH IT ALL.. 

(I TRIED not to confuse you or throw you in all diff directions,hope i helped a little. ask anything you need


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

EleGirl does pose a good insight. Your anger was blocking out your clarity. Anger is healthy, until it becomes irrational. If you were tearing down his self-worth, then you were actually verbally abusive. Calling someone names, and demeaning them is a form of abuse.

As to what happened, a catastrophic event occur where a major change happened, and some rationality came back to you. You could not hide behind your anger or resentment any longer. The resentment acted like a wall after all. It blinded you to see the entire situation clearly. Can you fully trust what you are feeling? For the most part. You do love him still, and you do want things to work out. Your also clingy because the relationship is in jeopardy.

You need to verbally communicate your emotions and what you want. Do not beg or plead. Most people will run away from that. Just state that your sorry that you let the anger and resentment blind you from what you wanted. Tell him that you will seek help for your anger, not for him, because you want to be a better person. If he returns, maintain a boundary where he does not lose respect for you either. You may have been wrong on how you treated him, but that does not mean he has a right to disrespect you either. You both have to end the cycle of resentment.


----------

