# Still on the fence and it's really starting to hurt!



## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Some of you called me S4E,
I am posting under this name instead of "strug.....4ev.." because I had given my wife the info for my other screen name and I don't know if she still reads this or not, but I don't want things to be any worse with us than they are. My IC knows all my feelings, I have been honest with her, and she believes I have nothing to gain by telling my W everything. I told my wife that I had developed feelings for my "friend" which is true, and I told her I worked through them, figured out what happened and why, and have moved on from it, which is also true! I have been away for awhile continuing with my IC and trying to figure out what has happened, where I am at, and where I should go...if anywhere....
Okay so I always talk about being honest with myself, Time to let out some true feelings....
1) I was unhappy for a long time in my marriage maybe even before her affair. I married at 20 before I knew who I was or what I wanted....still not too sure on that one?
2) I always made jokes about how it was too expensive to change my wife so that was why I was always changing everything else in my life. (house, job, projects) I always thought I was being funny but maybe there's some truth to that statement... not really sure anymore?
3) I do love my wife and I never wanted to hurt her even though she hurt me more than I ever admitted to myself or others when she had her PA with my supposed best friend 11 yrs ago!.
4) When I met my "friend" it was different... I was attracted to her voice on the phone before I ever met her. I had an instant physical attraction to her, and since I had few female friends previously, and we got along so well, it caught me off guard .. We quickly became friends and she challenged me on an intellectual level and that was a turn on as well.
5) Because of her friendly and outgoing personality I took some things the wrong way and believed there was more than friendship there? I still believe at one time she maybe did think of me as more than just a friend, but she had been cheated on and knew I was married and it was wrong.... but I could be wrong? 
6) Nothing more than conversation ever happened in th 3 years we worked together.
7) It really doesn't matter at this point, she has moved away and moved on... and on the rare occasion that we do talk or text, it just doesn't feel the same. She says I'm still one of her closest friends, but actions speak louder than words. 

I know that it hurts when you have strong feelings for someone and the feelings are not reciprocated. All of this probably plays a lot into my feelings with my wife, because I know she still cares for me and wants to be with me and I'm the one pulling away from her. I always told my wife you can't control your feelings you can only control how you react to them. I am not proud of some of my actions over the past couple of years, and I think I justified them because of what she did to me. 

My friend and I never did go out to lunch, go out for drinks, go out for coffee, or hang out outside of work ever... but I did my share of texting, and some talking on the phone... and yes being flirtatious at times... I realize now the flirtation was not reciprocated, or was for the most part just ignored and I have been a fool! She really just thought of me as another guy friend It felt good to think somebody I was so attracted to could also be attracted to me.... I hadn't felt this way for a long time - if ever... 

When I met my wife there was a physical attraction and things happened very fast. I was a 20-year-old kid....I honestly always believed we were soulmates and we would be that old couple sitting on a bench someday, but things have never been the same for us since her affair 11 years ago. I no longer thing about forever, jewelry, certain songs, and other triggers without getting angry. 

She has finally accepted her role and has expressed deep remorse for ever doing this to me. I am saddened because we are compatible in almost every way, but her self esteem issues and her jealousy has always been a turn off for me. You can only try to build someone up for so long and it starts to sink in. Maybe some things just are what they are. We continue to sleep in seperate rooms and she is trying to give me space but I can see how hard it is on her. We have spent little time together but I asked her out to dinner tonight to talk. 

A part of me just wants to realize that she has been a good wife for the past 11 years, she loves me, and we could work on our issues and make it work. Another part of me just feels there are so many layers of anger, resentment, mistrust, etc...and maybe it's best to just wipe the slate clean and move on? I always say you can't control your feelings, only how you react to them...we have both failed in that department...of course as my C said, on a scale of 1 to 10, I was maybe a 2 or 3....She was a 12! But I still believe if things were as they should be and I really loved her the way I should....there would have been no other feelings....I wish I had a better update....Finally facing all of these feelings - this is the hardest thing I've ever done.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

So are you ending it?


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> So are you ending it?


Every day I see a different side of her but ever since facing the feelings about her affair head on, something has changed forever, I can feel it....Right now the plan is to separate in early June after our son's wedding. I don't want his wedding to be overshadowed by our problems should things go bad. I'm hoping that living apart and not having decisions influenced based on seeing each other everyday and my guilt of hurting her...things will be clearer. This is all we have known for all of our adult life...it's a hard plug to pull at this point, but something keeps telling me it's time to pull it....I wish I had a definitive answer!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds to me like you are detaching from her. I think at some point the old you died, and a new man is emerging. Good for you. 

I predict when you separate the brakes will be off and she will wind up screwing up again. She and Thorburn's wife seem like they are cut from the same cloth. I hope I'm wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I know you've been through hell and back. I agree with you that separation might give you the clarity that you need to make that final decision. Who knows, maybe you might rediscover yourself and gain the ability to forgive her thereby forgiving yourself. I wish you the best friend.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Sounds to me like you are detaching from her. I think at some point the old you died, and a new man is emerging. Good for you. _Posted via Mobile Device_


It took forever, but it finally happened and although it's hard, I feel free. The old me died and the new me is stronger and better. We had a talk again on Saturday after another week of distance and silence and I believe we will be doing a separation.... finally.


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## S4E (Apr 13, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I know you've been through hell and back. I agree with you that separation might give you the clarity that you need to make that final decision. Who knows, maybe you might rediscover yourself and gain the ability to forgive her thereby forgiving yourself. I wish you the best friend.


I finally had the nerve to be brutally honest and let her know exactly what she did and how it affected me. I asked her all of the hard questions I didn't want to ask before because they were so harsh! I told her that when I found out I had almost a week by myself with few people to talk to and I had to go through all of the anger, and pain, and hurt, and disgust by myself and that when she talked of maybe jumping off the cruise ship she was on that I had to mix into all of my other feelings worrying about her...How messed up was that? I said I was at home going through hell by myself when you sure in the hell weren't worried about me! And then by the time she got home I was just glad she was ok and I was willing to do whatever it took to keep my family together. Including sacrificing myself! 

When I did finally try to let it out 10 years later, she turned it around and made it all about someone else again and I once again had to go through it alone. It has been a long healing process, but I am not the same man I was and I'm thankfull for that. I don't think we will be able to stay together in the long run, but at least now my eyes are wide open! Finally!!!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

S4E, your story should be sticky so that people can see what usually happens in a marriage when you rug sweep.

Even though your marriage has been good for the most part after the affair, you never got heal and by holding in all that anger/resentment it just slowly eroded what love you still had for her until nothing was left.

10+ years later and you're finally letting go. GL to you, some might knock on you for not giving it more time for your family but I think 10 years is more than enough time, even though you both just rug swept the A away instead of confronting it head on.

What's done is done, and like you stated, maybe with this time apart you will be able to heal to the point where you both could give it another try. Start from scratch with a new foundation that isn't built on lies.


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