# My fiancé is way too kind and sweet...even with his exes....



## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

Morning all! I have a dilemma and need some perspective. My man is great, sweet and loves me a lot. I've never met anyone quite like him, which maybe is also part of the issue. He often writes sweet messages to his friends, male and female, with hearts and kisses and so on. He calls everyone by nicknames. I happened to be jealous about some of this but I also know it's his personality. One thing I struggle with though is that he's the same with girls he had a past with. He stayed friend with most of them and at times sends them messages where he uses old nicknames which are all quite sweet. The messages themselves (the ones i saw at least) are not worrying and I think he is not often in touch with these ladies. The messages I saw were mostly birthday wishes or stuff like that. However the nicknames are something like "my sweet (name)" "my dear" "my muppet" and they bother me a lot. When I think about it though, he uses similar nicknames to call friends he has never had any involvment with. At times I really manage to get over it but at other, like now, I can't and don't exactly know how to react. Does any of you relate? Are some men out there the same?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Are we sure this man is heterosexual?


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## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

Oh yes we are!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It is unusual for a man to put hearts and kisses on messages to other men. Some men wouldn't even put them on a note to a woman. If I were the wife of one of those other men, my mind would be getting really shook up.

The use of "my" in addressing these old exes is off-putting. He isn't with them anymore so they are not his. He doesn't have a harem.

How old is he? It seems he needs to learn how to communicate with people without making it look like he's flirting.


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## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

Ok uhmm maybe some more context is needed here. Better to specify that the heart and kiss thing is very occassional towards men. I've seen some of these messages and never thought they were suspicious. Hearts are reserved to big news like losses, weddings and so on. He tends to be very affectionate. He's also French-speaking so that might change the cultural context...?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

As long as he is not doing inappropriate things in person with these people, accept it. It's part of who he is, and is surely part of what attracted you to him in the first place.


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## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> It is unusual for a man to put hearts and kisses on messages to other men. Some men wouldn't even put them on a note to a woman. If I were the wife of one of those other men, my mind would be getting really shook up.
> 
> The use of "my" in addressing these old exes is off-putting. He isn't with them anymore so they are not his. He doesn't have a harem.
> 
> How old is he? It seems he needs to learn how to communicate with people without making it look like he's flirting.


Also, he's in his forties and I believe this is how he's always been. One of these exes he has an affectionate nickname for is actually is first ever girlfriend (of more than 20 years ago.....) and others are from 10 - 15 years ago. He actually doesn't have such a nickname for his most recent gf before me.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I dated a guy like that. He was determined to keep his exes as friends. He had a very romantic idea about how he would meet Ms. Right. Every relationship he had was based in looking across the room and locking eyes with someone and then he would see some sort of cosmic significance or mystical participation in how the relationship started. But he was a commitment-phobe. He finally married, but when I was dating him, his sister's best friend was in a relationship that was difficult any BF wanted to "help" her and "rescue" her (by convincing her that this guy wasn't good enough for her) and he desperately wanted a relationship with her. His friends told me that he was such a romantic about how he would find Ms. Right that they doubted he would marry before he was 40, if then, and they were very nearly right. 

But even though he would have this eye-lock experience and then very soon decide that the woman wasn't Ms. Right, he would still have all kinds of romantic notions about their relationship and what it had been like and could have been like. I dated him six weeks before I started to see the pattern and dated him another 4 months before I figured it out and we called it off. It bothered him that I wasn't as enamored of his rose-colored glasses view of his past with these women. 

Part of his issue was that he didn't want to be alone. And there was a girl that really wanted to be in a relationship with him, and he would enjoy some of the benefits of that while at the same time trying to "train" her in the kind of relationship he wanted with her. This guy's sister finally jumped on him about the mixed messages he was sending, to ALL the women in his life. He told me once that Ms. Right would be okay with him maintaining friendship relationships with his ex-gf's and allowing him to remember and recall fondly the moments when he thought the relationship had "forever" potential.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

" He told me once that Ms. Right would be okay with him maintaining friendship relationships with his ex-gf's and allowing him to remember and recall fondly the moments when he thought the relationship had "forever" potential."

Where is the 'vomit' emoticon when you need it. That was one self-serving idiot.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You seem to be fully cognizant of his behaviors and don't exhibit any jealousy. So, what is it you're not ok with?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> " He told me once that Ms. Right would be okay with him maintaining friendship relationships with his ex-gf's and allowing him to remember and recall fondly the moments when he thought the relationship had "forever" potential."
> 
> Where is the 'vomit' emoticon when you need it. That was one self-serving idiot.


Ain't it the truth? I was so fascinated with his behavior so it took me a while to tease out why he was doing it. OP, I like Blondilocks' question. What is there about it that bothers you?


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## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> You seem to be fully cognizant of his behaviors and don't exhibit any jealousy. So, what is it you're not ok with?


Well I am not too jealous when it comes to female friends (most of them I know and I'm not threatened) but I'm not ok with it when it's women he has history with.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

_DreamCatcher_ said:


> Well I am not too jealous when it comes to female friends (most of them I know and I'm not threatened) but I'm not ok with it when it's women he has history with.


Makes perfect sense to me.


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## _DreamCatcher_ (Sep 30, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> I dated a guy like that. He was determined to keep his exes as friends. He had a very romantic idea about how he would meet Ms. Right. Every relationship he had was based in looking across the room and locking eyes with someone and then he would see some sort of cosmic significance or mystical participation in how the relationship started. But he was a commitment-phobe. He finally married, but when I was dating him, his sister's best friend was in a relationship that was difficult any BF wanted to "help" her and "rescue" her (by convincing her that this guy wasn't good enough for her) and he desperately wanted a relationship with her. His friends told me that he was such a romantic about how he would find Ms. Right that they doubted he would marry before he was 40, if then, and they were very nearly right.
> 
> But even though he would have this eye-lock experience and then very soon decide that the woman wasn't Ms. Right, he would still have all kinds of romantic notions about their relationship and what it had been like and could have been like. I dated him six weeks before I started to see the pattern and dated him another 4 months before I figured it out and we called it off. It bothered him that I wasn't as enamored of his rose-colored glasses view of his past with these women.
> 
> Part of his issue was that he didn't want to be alone. And there was a girl that really wanted to be in a relationship with him, and he would enjoy some of the benefits of that while at the same time trying to "train" her in the kind of relationship he wanted with her. This guy's sister finally jumped on him about the mixed messages he was sending, to ALL the women in his life. He told me once that Ms. Right would be okay with him maintaining friendship relationships with his ex-gf's and allowing him to remember and recall fondly the moments when he thought the relationship had "forever" potential.


He sounds like a treat! The two things they have in common though is being very romantic and the looking for Ms Right stuff. I know my guy has been looking for the love of his life and probably thought he found it a few times. However, I also know that he would have never ditched someone because it didn't align to his Ms Right fantasies. I don't think he's keeping doors open for himself, but I guess I'm worried that his link to them is still slightly romantic.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask him why he needs to be all lovey-dovey with his exs when they're no longer together. Is he keeping his foot in the door? They're not together for a reason - explore that reason and bang the hell out of it.

Since you are not married, are you living with him? Any engagement in the works? Do you want to marry him and watch him write hugs & kisses to past partners for the rest of his/your life? Have the talk about past partners remaining in the past. I still think it's creepy.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

_DreamCatcher_ said:


> Also, he's in his forties and I believe this is how he's always been. One of these exes he has an affectionate nickname for is actually is first ever girlfriend (of more than 20 years ago.....) and others are from 10 - 15 years ago. He actually doesn't have such a nickname for his most recent gf before me.


What a sad little man you describe.

But we're not going to talk about him. We're going to talk about you.

You could use a healthy dose of romance yourself. I think you need to find a guy.

A special guy.

A guy you like SOOOOOOOOO MUCH, that you want him all to yourself, because you think he's the best thing, EVAR!!!!!

You need a guy who makes you feel all mushy inside, except when you picture him talking to some other girl, which should make you see some shade of red, a mild rose color for older ugly fat chicks, working its way up to a bloody haze if the woman is someone he had sex with previously.

You need a guy who'll write YOU soppy notes with hearts and X's and O's all over them.

A guy who is focused on his future with you, not pathetically trying to stay in touch with every female who gave him the time of day when he was younger.

DC, you need a man to make you feel passionate about life and love.

"Meh, he can talk to his exes that he's desperate to keep in touch with, I just think it's weird that he wears perfume," is not how you want to feel about your man.

Go do better.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

_DreamCatcher_ said:


> He sounds like a treat! The two things they have in common though is being very romantic and the looking for Ms Right stuff. I know my guy has been looking for the love of his life and probably thought he found it a few times. However, I also know that he would have never ditched someone because it didn't align to his Ms Right fantasies. I don't think he's keeping doors open for himself, but I guess I'm worried that his link to them is still slightly romantic.


I think if he is french speaking (French or Canadian) there is definitely a cultural difference to take into account.

I would say that if this guy has conducted himself in such a way that he is still on good terms with exes that's probably a very good reflection on his level of honesty with them. People don't stay friends with someone who treated them badly.

It doesn't sound like he's hiding stuff from you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TeddieG said:


> I dated a guy like that. He was determined to keep his exes as friends. He had a very romantic idea about how he would meet Ms. Right. Every relationship he had was based in looking across the room and locking eyes with someone and then he would see some sort of cosmic significance or mystical participation in how the relationship started. But he was a commitment-phobe. He finally married, but when I was dating him, his sister's best friend was in a relationship that was difficult any BF wanted to "help" her and "rescue" her (by convincing her that this guy wasn't good enough for her) and he desperately wanted a relationship with her. His friends told me that he was such a romantic about how he would find Ms. Right that they doubted he would marry before he was 40, if then, and they were very nearly right.
> 
> But even though he would have this eye-lock experience and then very soon decide that the woman wasn't Ms. Right, he would still have all kinds of romantic notions about their relationship and what it had been like and could have been like. I dated him six weeks before I started to see the pattern and dated him another 4 months before I figured it out and we called it off. It bothered him that I wasn't as enamored of his rose-colored glasses view of his past with these women.
> 
> Part of his issue was that he didn't want to be alone. And there was a girl that really wanted to be in a relationship with him, and he would enjoy some of the benefits of that while at the same time trying to "train" her in the kind of relationship he wanted with her. This guy's sister finally jumped on him about the mixed messages he was sending, to ALL the women in his life. He told me once that Ms. Right would be okay with him maintaining friendship relationships with his ex-gf's and allowing him to remember and recall fondly the moments when he thought the relationship had "forever" potential.


Anyone who thinks they are cool for remaining friends with their exes is someone to avoid.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> Every relationship he had was based in looking across the room and locking eyes with someone and then he would see some sort of cosmic significance or mystical participation in how the relationship started. But he was a commitment-phobe. He finally married, but when I was dating him, his sister's best friend was in a relationship that was difficult any BF wanted to "help" her and "rescue" her (by convincing her that this guy wasn't good enough for her) and he desperately wanted a relationship with her. His friends told me that he was such a romantic about how he would find Ms. Right that they doubted he would marry before he was 40, if then, and they were very nearly right.
> 
> But even though he would have this eye-lock experience and then very soon decide that the woman wasn't Ms. Right, he would still have all kinds of romantic notions about their relationship and what it had been like and could have been like. I dated him six weeks before I started to see the pattern and dated him another 4 months before I figured it out and we called it off. It bothered him that I wasn't as enamored of his rose-colored glasses view of his past with these women.
> 
> Part of his issue was that he didn't want to be alone. And there was a girl that really wanted to be in a relationship with him, and he would enjoy some of the benefits of that while at the same time trying to "train" her in the kind of relationship he wanted with her. This guy's sister finally jumped on him about the mixed messages he was sending, to ALL the women in his life. He told me once that Ms. Right would be okay with him maintaining friendship relationships with his ex-gf's and allowing him to remember and recall fondly the moments when he thought the relationship had "forever" potential.


That sounds like a hopeless romantic to me, pursuing life as if it has to happen to some sort of preconceived dream plan to be worthwhile is just unrealistic. 

When I was looking online one of my deal breakers was seeing the words "I am looking for my one true love" in a profile. They are either a cartoon princess looking for a prince or they are looking to have every single imaginary criteria met on date one. 

You have to take people as they are and appreciate the differences. Sometimes the best things come out of the blue when you are not looking for them.



NextTimeAround said:


> Anyone who thinks they are cool for remaining friends with their exes is someone to avoid.


I think it's cool, but them I'm not looking for what might have been. If it might have been then it would have been and it wasn't, but that doesn't have mean that you don't still like and admire them for the person that they are.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DreamCatcher,

Make copies of these sappy emotional notes he sends to ex'es and make sure the ex'es current SO gets one, along with a note about the inappropriateness of his communication with them. 

Also you need to monitor his communications, this man cannot be trusted.

Tamat


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> I think it's cool, but them I'm not looking for what might have been. If it might have been then it would have been and it wasn't, but that doesn't have mean that you don't still like and admire them for the person that they are.


If any woman I was with told me that she "still liked and admired" an ex, she would be heaved to the curb before the next blink of my eye.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WonkyNinja said:


> I think it's cool, but them I'm not looking for what might have been. If it might have been then it would have been and it wasn't, but that doesn't have mean that you don't still like and admire them for the person that they are.


The problem with someone thinking it's "cool" is that that person is willing to sacrifice for and prioritise that relationship above all others.

And then we have a situation like I was in briefly in which the "friend" got all the freebies as if they were dating while my boyfriend expected me to share dating expenses with him. 

She was able to date other men. No sacrifice on her part.
I was faithful to my boyfriend. So I had no source of freebies like she did.

Armed with the facts when I pointed this out to my boyfriend (future husband), he dumped her immediately. My boyfriend tried to accuse me of being overly concerned about money. So I refused to pay altogether.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> The problem with someone thinking it's "cool" is that that person is willing to sacrifice for and prioritise that relationship above all others.


I didn't say anything even remotely like that. I said "stay friends with"



> And then we have a situation like I was in briefly in which the "friend" got all the freebies as if they were dating while my boyfriend expected me to share dating expenses with him.
> 
> She was able to date other men. No sacrifice on her part.
> I was faithful to my boyfriend. So I had no source of freebies like she did.
> ...


So he pays expenses for "friends" and splits expenses with the person he is dating? That isn't just staying friends. If I meet friends, male or female, we either split the check or alternate it. 

If she was is getting "benefits" from your boyfriend then you had a cheating boyfriend which is completely different.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WonkyNinja said:


> I didn't say anything even remotely like that. I said "stay friends with"


And then we have a situation like I was in briefly in which the "friend" got all the freebies as if they were dating while my boyfriend expected me to share dating expenses with him. 

She was able to date other men. No sacrifice on her part.
I was faithful to my boyfriend. So I had no source of freebies like she did.

Armed with the facts when I pointed this out to my boyfriend (future husband), he dumped her immediately. My boyfriend tried to accuse me of being overly concerned about money. So I refused to pay altogether.[/QUOTE]

So he pays expenses for "friends" and splits expenses with the person he is dating? That isn't just staying friends. If I meet friends, male or female, we either split the check or alternate it. 

If she was is getting "benefits" from your boyfriend then you had a cheating boyfriend which is completely different.[/QUOTE]


This is problem with labels. The word "friend" means something different to everyone. And some will make the word fit to suit their needs.

This is why we need a discussion of the details. Most people would have defended my (future) husband's behavior with "it's his money, he can do whatever the hell he wants with it. If he wants to take a friend out then that's your problem."

Thankfully, the TAM community helps to unwind some of this madness.


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