# One sided intimacy in my Marriage



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

So I already know after over five years of being married that I need my woman
to initiate at least part of the time for me to be happy..and Ive told her this but it hasn't
changed a bit...
Otherwise we get along great..we argue about the usual stuff around the house but mostly
we're good..nice and wonderful to each other..
I take the initiative to take her out to a restaurant she loves, we have a good night out..
we come home, she goes to our room and comes back wearing the ugliest grandma like
pajamas, she knows I hate them, yet she wears them all the time...shes got sexy night dresses
but she doesnt wear them...
She isnt mad or anything, all smiley..but not flirty, Ive asked her since year one of our
marriage if she could make an effort to initiate..not just sex but intimacy as a whole..like
touching, grabbing...kissing...but yet we go weeks without it if I dont do it first...and she
wont often respond back either...
Yet she loves it when I cuddle her...usually with her falling asleep in a few minutes.

When we have sex, she enjoys it...but again she doesnt initiate anything..if I want something
done I always must ask..

Again we have talked about this before...she listens...disagrees, then I get frustrated...angered..
and then she says she will work on it....its been five years...

and now she wants kids, and gets upset when I say I dont think our marriage can handle
them yet...so any flirting and touching she did do she stops completely for weeks until
I start saying how I would love kids...(in the moment sometimes I do...but not in the whole
picture)

I want this mess to be over..

Maybe I stop initiating completely, 100% till she starts to...
what do u people think?

If things dont change...should I call this marriage over? I dont wanna live like a puppy
my whole life.. adding kids to this would only complicate things.

I have talked to a therapist online...but wanna hear what u people think about my situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Not initiating will just result in no sex, but no she has zero pressure either, so you're just giving her what she wants.

Try counselling.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

How often do you have sex? 

Are you happy with it but just want her to initiate more?

Has the frequency changed over the years?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> Ive asked her since year one of our marriage if she could make an effort to initiate..not just sex but intimacy as a whole..like touching, grabbing...kissing...but yet we go weeks without it if I dont do it first...and she
> wont often respond back either...


There are two possibilities. First, she just isn't going to do it. I don't know if she's unwilling, or unable. But it's not going to happen. So you need to get over it. If your happiness depended on your wife being able to dunk a basketball, then I would suggest you find another way to be happy.

Second, you're just not attracting her. If you spend a great deal of time asking her to initiate and then being angry and resentful when she doesn't, then I'm not surprised that she isn't interested in initiating. Try to run the MAP.



marriedguy said:


> Maybe I stop initiating completely, 100% till she starts to... what do u people think?


For a few weeks, it will be the best vacation she's ever had. Eventually, she will notice because you will be storming around the house like a crazy person. Of course, she'll know why you're angry. So, eventually, she'll make a big production of rolling her eyes, lying on her back, and telling you to get it over with so that things can get back to normal. Does that sound like a good plan?



marriedguy said:


> If things dont change...should I call this marriage over? I dont wanna live like a puppy my whole life.. adding kids to this would only complicate things.


I certainly think you're correct to postpone having kids. Just tell your wife that you're unhappy in the marriage and kids will only make things worse. As for her initiating, I can say that your wife sounds pretty typical. She's submissive and you're submissive. And two submissive people really don't function well trying to out-submit to each other. Either be in charge, or find another woman who will be happy to take charge.

Good luck.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

My stbxw wouldn't initiate. Wasn't comfortable with it... due to other issues in our relationship that turned into sex once a month..


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

For the love of God do not have kids with this woman until you figure out if this can be fixed!

The both of you need counseling to figure out if you're too different tof remain together or if the two of you want to fix this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Its gotten to the point where its not just about initiating...I resent her in almost every way..
Not sure that it all has to do with initiating..
I knew we werent compatible since our honeymoon...but for the first few years was so
determined on fixing our shortcomings...I no longer feel there is a solution with us together..
she doesnt seemed bothered at all though..she thinks its all good despite me telling her
exactly how I feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## duncaterro (Dec 13, 2012)

Not initiating will just result in no sex


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

so is everybody here happy even if they have to do 99% of the work to get any romance goin?

I have no problem initiating, I like the thrill of the chase..but just find it odd that my wife says she 
loves me...acts like its all perfect, yet doesnt care to even touch me intimately once a week without
me asking for it..I dont ask for it anymore, I just do...but it gets boring that way awfully fast.
I think women need to show some affection without us running after them..but thats just me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thats why you tease 'em

Two steps forward, one step back, and repeat with less aggressive women


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Thats why you tease 'em
> 
> Two steps forward, one step back, and repeat with less aggressive women


Yeah I know..been there done that..
Not even sure why I posted this on here (again)..frustration I guess..
And I DONT want kids now...for our whole marriage Ive been postponing it..and just freaks me out
having kids in this marriage that seems so one sided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I know it doesn't sound romantic but schedule which nights you're going to have sex and try not to be turned off by it not being spontaneous. Remember your testosterone is about 50 times the amount of hers so she may not have interest without you initiating. Now if she won't let you even try to get her in the mood then yes you have problems.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> I know it doesn't sound romantic but schedule which nights you're going to have sex and try not to be turned off by it not being spontaneous. Remember your testosterone is about 50 times the amount of hers so she may not have interest without you initiating. Now if she won't let you even try to get her in the mood then yes you have problems.


Are you seriously telling me that men crave sex 50 times as much
as women?! Cmon..
Theres enough masturbating women to prove that theory wrong.
Also in women its the Estrogen that creates sex drives, not the testosterone...higher Estrogen
means higher sex drives in women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

marriedguy said:


> Are you seriously telling me that men crave sex 50 times as much
> as women?! Cmon..
> Theres enough masturbating women to prove that theory wrong.
> Also in women its the Estrogen that creates sex drives, not the testosterone...higher Estrogen
> ...


Nope, I'm merely stating that the average testosterone level in men is about that 50 times more than the average testosterone level in women. What I didn't mention is that the only proven drug in the world to increase a woman's libido is testosterone. But no it's not a direct correlation where you want it 50 times more because our chemistry is very complicated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> Are you seriously telling me that men crave sex 50 times as much
> as women?! Cmon..
> Theres enough masturbating women to prove that theory wrong.
> Also in women its the Estrogen that creates sex drives, not the testosterone...higher Estrogen
> means higher sex drives in women.


This depends on the woman. Many women are high drive. And there are men how are low drive.

You issues are not about all wmen and all men. It's about your you and your wife. She seems to have a problem with even being affectionate. 

One concern I'd have were I you is if she will withhold normal affection from a child. How is she with others? Have you ever watched her around children?


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Now you guys have no excuses to not have sex and she still won't give in.

You put kids into that mix and you might as well become celibate. 

Unless you can change her behavior drastically through counseling, a future with this woman would mean a lifetime of resentment.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife is very similar in many ways and the normal intimacy part (not sex) was always one of her traits, meaning that she wasn't one for hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. It's just her personality and it drove me nuts when we were dating because I couldn't read her well enough. 

It still annoys me but its just her and not anything resulting from my conduct. 

She used to initiate sex back in the Stone Age, but I've gotten over that and just do all the dirty work. 

Don't get me wrong; we've got a great marriage and have for over 15 years, two wonderful children and a 'happy home,' if I may use that cliche. She has even come back a little sexually after years of frustrating LD. 

Everyone has their own personality in life. Some are more animated than others. But make sure before you go any further that the two of you want to have a family and spend the rest of your lives together.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

So it sounds like there are some deeper things here than just her inability or resistance to initiating. When i hear, i resent her in several ways . . . that needs to be explored.

But on the initiating thing; i've read several threads on this being an issue for men in relationships. So i wonder, 1) did you have sex with your partner before marriage and 2) did she initiate sex during this time. We often read about how "my wife totally changed after marriage and her drive is nonexistent." But i wonder if we don't realize how are expectations about sex also change when we sign on the dotted line. Specifically, women who are very chaste and prefer to remain a virgin until after marriage may have views on how women should approach sex. These really need to be explored, because to assume that once she is your wife she is going to all of a sudden let loose is probably not a very good assumption. If she never initiated or was shy about initiating before marriage, same thing applies. The views that women have on their sexuality and how much they are able to grant themselves permission to be sexual is no small thing.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marriedguy said:


> and now she wants kids, and gets upset when I say I dont think our marriage can handle
> them yet...so any flirting and touching she did do she stops completely for weeks until
> I start saying how I would love kids...(in the moment sometimes I do...but not in the whole
> picture)_Posted via Mobile Device_


This is actually a big issue for you. For whatever reason, she feels you are not entitled to raise your issues. This could range from it is because they are not important to her not wanting to acknowledge that she is not meeting your needs, but the fact is that this is a big problem that you two need to address.

Also, do not have kids at this point. They will not magically make things better, but will much more likely make things worse.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

marriedguy said:


> and now she wants kids, and gets upset when I say I dont think our marriage can handle
> them yet...so any flirting and touching she did do she stops completely for weeks until
> I start saying how I would love kids...(in the moment sometimes I do...but not in the whole
> picture)


I don't like the sounds of this. I'm picturing once she manages to get pregnant by you you're going to take a back seat.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

marriedguy said:


> so is everybody here happy even if they have to do 99% of the work to get any romance goin?
> 
> I have no problem initiating, I like the thrill of the chase..but just find it odd that my wife says she
> loves me...acts like its all perfect, yet doesnt care to even touch me intimately once a week without
> ...


I think women need to initiate some times. I think as men we think the hunt and thus like to pursue our mate, but it's also empowering to a man to know that his mate views him a so manly that she just "needs" him from time to time. 

To get told that "yeah, I guess so," or "Has it been a week already" when we pursue our mate does little to make us feel like we are sexually attractive or desireable to her. Rather it's emasculating and we are left feeling taken for granted.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If this is a big issue for you, then don't have kids. It probably won't get any better. Will be worse for a few years while the kids are small. 

You are on year five. I am on year twenty five. Not sure I would do it again. We have three great kids and many good memories, but 'the issue' is still there and is still very frustrating and makes for a pretty sad life a bunch of the time.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

In general, men's sex drive is internal and women's is external. That is, men have a continual desire for sex that is like hunger. Women's drive is much more influenced by external effects. When a woman is in certain situations like a new relationship, vacation, exciting situation, etc. then her sex drive can be very high. But if it's just some random, boring Tuesday, then not so much. (yes, I know this is a generalization and that not all women are like this) 

If you ask her if she likes sex, she'll probably say yes, but it's like asking if someone likes going to the movies. Everyone likes going to the movies, but there's a whole range of what that means. Some people go to the movies several times a week, while others only go a couple times a year when it's a blockbuster.

Your wife has little to no intrinsic sex drive. This means if you stop asking, she won't care. Sex doesn't matter to her like it does to you. It'd be like if she complained that she always has to instigate getting you to watch The View. Of course you don't instigate-you don't want to watch it.

This doesn't mean you have to live this way. You need to discuss with her that sex is very important to you and that it needs to be a frequent part of your marriage. You're willing to make her feel like having sex, but she has to be willing to meet you halfway. She can't sit back and wait until you magically jump through all the right hoops to unlock her desire. She needs to take a more proactive role so she enjoys sex more. 

If she's unwilling to discuss or make changes, then things are not likely to change. Whatever you do, do not have kids until you sort this out. Kids will reduce the frequency of even the best sex life.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

wilson said:


> Your wife has little to no intrinsic sex drive. This means if you stop asking, she won't care. Sex doesn't matter to her like it does to you.


I agree with your general point of women vs. men. However, never assume that a wife who appears to care nothing for sex is simply asexual. The Coping With Infidelity board is littered with men who gave up on their asexual wives only to be shocked when another man entered the picture and their wives started engaging in every fantasy they always refused their husbands.

The OP's wife is certainly not sexually attracted to him. Perhaps she isn't sexually attracted to anyone. Perhaps she is, or could be.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I also believe you should put off the kids.

We have a fairly HD marriage the only time I've ever been LD was before, during and after my babies were born. 
My energy, time, focus was all on this little wee needy baby. I believe this is right and natural. A womans body produces hormones in abundance to ensure this happens.. for me my focus started to change once baby started to sleep the night and become a little more independant.

So for us it was short term. We went back to our 'pre-baby' sex frequency and fun and never looked back. 

Your unhappy about your sex life NOW... is this what your goal will be after the baby?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I agree with your general point of women vs. men. However, never assume that a wife who appears to care nothing for sex is simply asexual. The Coping With Infidelity board is littered with men who gave up on their asexual wives only to be shocked *when another man entered the picture and their wives started engaging in every fantasy they always refused their husbands.*
> 
> The OP's wife is certainly not sexually attracted to him. Perhaps she isn't sexually attracted to anyone. Perhaps she is, or could be.


I would not consider that woman asexual. She is sexual when the external situation gets her in the mood. In that example, she is excited by the new relationship. Many of us in sexless marriages at one time had great sex. That usually was at the beginning of the relationship when the newness itself was exciting. Once that external excitement faded, there was no intrinsic sex drive to keep it going.

I would strongly urge the OP to tackle this problem head on. Be prepared to leave if you cannot find an equitable solution. I didn't know any better, and now 20+ years later I feel so empty and dead inside. It happens slowly. You make excuses for why she's never in the mood (she's stressed from planning the wedding, her job was hard, she hit too many red lights, the dog got in the garbage, etc), but it never changes. By the time it clicked with me that it's never getting better, we had kids and I couldn't walk away from them. So I'm biding my time until they're grown and feel like I've wasted my life.

And in my case, my wife is better than most. She'll accommodate me if initiate, but it's very unfulfilling. It's like she's doing me a favor, and that is not sexually satisfying. I deeply wish we had split back when I first realized we had the problem. We both would have ended up happier.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You guys read "His needs/Her needs". This is one of the many subjects in there. 

I think that intimacy on a regular basis (sex 2-3 times a week) is very important. Your wife needs to understand that this is one of your core needs whether she understands why or not, it's very important to you. She has core needs that you are fulfilling but they just happen to be different things like maybe providing for the family.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

wilson said:


> I would not consider that woman asexual. She is sexual when the external situation gets her in the mood. In that example, she is excited by the new relationship. Many of us in sexless marriages at one time had great sex. That usually was at the beginning of the relationship when the newness itself was exciting. Once that external excitement faded, there was no intrinsic sex drive to keep it going.
> 
> I would strongly urge the OP to tackle this problem head on. Be prepared to leave if you cannot find an equitable solution. I didn't know any better, and now 20+ years later I feel so empty and dead inside. It happens slowly. You make excuses for why she's never in the mood (she's stressed from planning the wedding, her job was hard, she hit too many red lights, the dog got in the garbage, etc), but it never changes. By the time it clicked with me that it's never getting better, we had kids and I couldn't walk away from them. So I'm biding my time until they're grown and feel like I've wasted my life.
> 
> And in my case, my wife is better than most. She'll accommodate me if initiate, but it's very unfulfilling. It's like she's doing me a favor, and that is not sexually satisfying. I deeply wish we had split back when I first realized we had the problem. We both would have ended up happier.


This is exactly what I fear..Im already just going through the day to day motions at this point...I dont get
excited to go to bed with her anymore..I initiate once a week now on average...some weeks several
times...but like I said the whole thing in the bedroom feels one sided..usually feels like she couldnt care
less to have sex with me.
Ive realized from the beginning that sexually we were far apart..I was convinced though that
thats just how women are..and that the problem was me..that if I worked hard enough at
it that our intimacy would grow..
Ive learned over five years that some women just arent that into it...and it would be great if she
found a guy who is similar to her in that sense...
I dont want to break her heart by breaking this up...but I cant have kids just for her..I gotta
want it too..
Its crazy to think of breaking up after five years...we're family..but Im just not happy most
of the time..want her to be happy even if we do split.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> You guys read "His needs/Her needs". This is one of the many subjects in there.
> 
> I think that intimacy on a regular basis (sex 2-3 times a week) is very important. Your wife needs to understand that this is one of your core needs whether she understands why or not, it's very important to you. She has core needs that you are fulfilling but they just happen to be different things like maybe providing for the family.


Speaking of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> * 10 Emotional needs:
> *
> 1. Admiration
> 2. Affection
> ...


 Maybe you & her could sit down and write out your lists in the order of importance .....your top 5 specifically...and hers....with the goal of working to fulfill each others love tank......another poster & her husband is reading this book right now and it is helping...she was sharing her story....though sex was not the primary issue for them.... 

Sexual compatibility is a BIG ONE ~ when the drives are too far off, the higher driver feels at the mercy of the lower ...it's a constant nagging, like going to bed with a loaded gun....when the other does not understand this driving need , it's importance....no matter how much talk has been given, if you are met with the same old, same old....after years....you've tried it all... what is left...but *acceptance* of what is.... 

Also with this comes the knowing your bedroom life may always lack this Passion you crave inside .....this is a great sadness for many a high drive husband (or wife).



> *wilson said*: She'll accommodate me if initiate, but it's very unfulfilling. It's like she's doing me a favor, and that is not sexually satisfying. I deeply wish we had split back when I first realized we had the problem. We both would have ended up happier


 You are still young Married Guy... no children yet...... you have choices .....this is YOUR LIFE, your happiness at stake...count the cost of resentment -if this is something you can not accept. Some tough decisions lie ahead. For you both.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> Its gotten to the point where its not just about initiating...I resent her in almost every way..
> Not sure that it all has to do with initiating..
> I knew we werent compatible since our honeymoon...but for the first few years was so
> determined on fixing our shortcomings...I no longer feel there is a solution with us together..
> ...


no kids yet. knew it wasn't good since honymoon,she dosen't want or desire you and shows it by not being intimate.

look on the wall the writing is there .......time to get the heck out of there while your still fairly young. it will only get worse!

and be more costly financialy and emotionaly.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

wilson said:


> I would not consider that woman asexual. She is sexual when the external situation gets her in the mood. In that example, she is excited by the new relationship.


Right. That was my point. The fact is that most women in sexless marriages are not asexual. They have healthy libidos. Those libidos are just not directed at their husbands. The husbands wrongly assume that their wives have simply lost all desire. The fact is that the wives have lost all desire _for them._ It's a rude awakening to realize that another man can awaken the desire that the husband couldn't.


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

Hmmm.... Dont have kids! It will make this situation worst x2. You know that, she probably knows that too.

What do you really want? Choose your position. If you are dominant, then stfu. I understand if this is a problem and she's not even receptive. If she's receptive then you just have to chalk it up as a loss. If she is not initiating but she's open to all or 80% of your advances (you kissing, you touching, you cuddling, you you you) then let it go man. I could see if she was dusting you off and not initiating but it sounds like you want it all. Thats fine but maybe you wont get it all out of her. Maybe someone else can be receptive and initiate. Im not saying divorce you wife because she doesn't initiate intimacy or sex. You chose you parter wisely based off of what she provided before marriage. Did she use to initiate? If so have you looked in to why she stopped? Did it become an uneven playing field where you gradually became more attracted to her that you started to initiate more than she was? You want those grandma pajama's off of her body? If I were you I'd toss them or burn them in a bonfire. Then she'd either be spending money to replace those or wearing that sexy stuff in the closet thats collecting dust.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Right. That was my point. The fact is that most women in sexless marriages are not asexual. They have healthy libidos. Those libidos are just not directed at their husbands. The husbands wrongly assume that their wives have simply lost all desire. The fact is that the wives have lost all desire _for them._ It's a rude awakening to realize that another man can awaken the desire that the husband couldn't.


I agree with this, and as much as it's been said already, do consider reading the suggested books and taking some time to explore the "needs" aspect.

It can simply be a mis-understanding. Really.
Most people will GIVE the type of affection that makes them feel desired \ loved. Your partner doesn't always have the same buttons. If you are willing to do the exercises, you can rule it out. Your gain is learning a bit more about yourself in the process. So it's not a waste.

I'm a woman, and I have had persistent issues with not being attracted to my H. It has more to do with the fact that we don't match emotional needs. Meaning he has hobbies and behaviors that are more like a 13 year old than a "man". Yet if he picks up some tools and starts fixin' stuff around the house or acts a little more dominant... I find I'm much more attracted to him. 

It`s all personal. Everyone really isn`t the same.


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