# advice on other women



## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

Hi,
I am 19 years old and have been off and on with my BF for about 2 years. We have a 7 month old baby girl together. I found out while I was pregnant that he was going on websites and doing live chat with random girls. He watches porn and I dont care about that. But i think when he has actual real girls doing stuff for him on webcam it bothers me. I asked him to stop and he lied and said he did. He also texts these girls. He cheated on me when I was pregnant. He got drunk at a party. I forgave him for it. And he had sex with another girl last year, but we were on the rocks so im not sure if it constitutes as cheating. He continually texts girls and says that it shouldnt matter because they dont live anywhere near us and that obviously they wouldnt do anything. but the other day I saw him texting the girl that he cheated on me with last year. I dont know if it is something that he just does to make himself feel good.. or what? And am i in the wrong getting upset about it? I guess im just worried that if he cheated on me before that he will do it again.. when he insists that it was a really big mistake and that he is sorry.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

All I'd advise is that you be very careful if you considering marrying this guy. If you do consider actually committing your lives to one another, he would have to stop all of that behavior completely.


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

any ideas what I should do to make him prove that he really does want to be with me? because to be honest I would have been done a long time ago.. but im trying to make this work for my daughter.. so i wanna try all opportunities before I let him go.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Well, first, remember that you can't make him do anything. Keeping that in mind, you should talk to him, let him know what is important to you, and why. Do it calmly and rationally - just explain the facts.

The biggest difficulty you are facing is the fact that since you aren't married, there is no reason for either of you to stay faithful to one another - other than just being nice to one another. By that I mean, as long as there is no contract between you two, there is always the 'out' of simply stating 'hey, we aren't married.'

Note, I'm NOT saying you should get married. I'd suggest that before you ever took that step you learned all about what it really means (not the popular opinions and myths that most people have.) What I'm saying is that without a specific commitment (witnessed and signed) there is nothing really keeping you two together but mutual feelings - and those can change.

So - simply be honest, ask him to 'commit' to you and his child (which, regardless of outcome, he will be taking care of till the baby grows up - like it or not.) See if he is willing to fill your need for faithfulness!


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

I honestly do not know. I would like to think he is. I understand he is so young but so am I. And I am just absolutely in love with him. And we just know so much about each other that I dont think I would ever be as comfortable with someone else. We just click.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

pghgirl527 said:


> I honestly do not know. I would like to think he is. I understand he is so young but so am I. And I am just absolutely in love with him. And we just know so much about each other that I dont think I would ever be as comfortable with someone else. We just click.


There are two things to think about here: you say you 'click' - and yet he is messing around with other women. It may be that while he 'clicks' for you, you may not for him. (Not trying to be mean here - just pointing out that normally, if you are satisfying him, he won't be out chasing others.) 

On the other hand, it may well be that neither of you has had the time (or training) to be in a monogamous relationship yet. Our society refuses to teach the meaning of commitment - it teaches us that what is most important is to satisfy whatever you are 'feeling' right NOW, rather than proactively and actively maintaining a promise - sticking to your word.

You might want to learn what one another's needs are by taking this quiz - or learn what things hurt each other by taking this quiz. 

There is a lot to learn about commitment and relationship - you actually have it VERY good, because you are thinking about the subject at your age - you have the amazing opportunity to start your life off with some really great tools that will save you much heartbreak later in life - 

It all depends on what you are willing to do....

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via FoxyTunes


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

no offense taken. i understand what you are saying. I guess it is just hard to picture my life without him. but its just i guess i need to realize the point when I am done if he cant satisfy my needs. its just so hard letting go of someone who is such a part of my life. Is couples counseling a good suggestion? or will that scare him away


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

pghgirl527 said:


> Is couples counseling a good suggestion? or will that scare him away


No idea!  You know him better than we do. Just keep one thing in mind - he IS responsible for the baby, and that is a LIFELONG responsibility. He can't escape it - and he should be aware of that. Regardless of whether you two make it (I hope you do!) or not - you must always hold him responsible for his part in the care of the baby!

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry but you're too young to be settling for one guy, baby or not. And he's too young to be expected to stay with just you. Most people your age simply have too much changing and experimenting to do. 

Concentrate on school and getting a degree and starting a career. Make friends. Learn yourself. If you're meant to be together with him, you can keep dating and see what happens.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera said:


> I'm sorry but you're too young to be settling for one guy, baby or not. And he's too young to be expected to stay with just you. Most people your age simply have too much changing and experimenting to do.
> 
> Concentrate on school and getting a degree and starting a career. Make friends. Learn yourself. If you're meant to be together with him, you can keep dating and see what happens.


Ummm...:scratchhead: Wow I disagree (and that's rare). I see no reason whatsoever to not hold a very young person personally responsible for their choices. Granted it is unusual this day and age to find a young man who will honor a commitment, but to say "...he's too you to be expected to stay..." is just lowering the bar. He may be young, but he made a baby, and now I see no reason not to raise that bar and give him the support to rise to the occasion. 

Will it be easy? Heck no. It would have been a lot easier to get the education first, pick a good match based on natural personality and wisely choosing, etc. BUT that didn't happen here. I say rather than having the attitude of "Well you're too young to ever stay together so don't even try" I'd rather say "You are young that's true, and you have laid out a difficult road for yourselves, but that's no reason you can't make it work." He could go to counseling to find out why he needs the reassurance of various women, and dedicate himself to one girl and a child. They could learn now about Love Kindlers and Love Extinguishers, and that would put them ahead of many older married couples!

The big question is willingness. Is he willing to look at himself and figure out why he needs to turn to a lot of women for validation of being desired? Is he willing to really commit to one woman only? Is she willing to learn what his Love Extinguishers are and commit to learning how to not do them? Many people resist, deny and avoid their own issues...but that's not because they're young! Shoot I know lots of 50 year olds running from themselves! 

So sorry turnera--I disagree with ya this time!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He watches porn. He goes online to do 'things' with girls and a camera. He constantly texts girls whether she wants him to or not - INCLUDING the girl he cheated with. He has at least two one-night stands or affairs. He's somewhere around 19, and has been with her for 2 years, so he's doing what most 19 year old guys do - look around and want more sex. All I see is the next 20 years of frustration as she gets stuck supporting a guy who, IMO, is too young and disinterested to be a responsible marriage partner. And she is setting her precedent of ALLOWING him to be this way, while she keeps him and suffers. So who knows how much MORE he will do, since she accepts it. Until she's had enough, and divorces him anyway.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's more to him than the cheating and porn that makes him worth keeping?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Perhaps, Turnera, you don't mean 'too young.' Phgirl527 is the same age, and yet _completely_ willing to commit and assume the responsibility. Perhaps instead, you mean 'too immature.' 

Age has nothing to do with it. For centuries people have married young and carried on faithful, strong marriages. The difference is that people in our culture are not taught to be responsible for anything but their own desires. And it is the 'teaching' that is the key. A person can learn it at any time.

But your initial post on this subject was not addressed to his immaturity. You clearly stated that _she_ was 'too young to settle for one guy' - which means that you advocate moving from guy to guy - baby or not. (Whether you mean that or not, it is implied by your comment.) 

That is no way for anyone to learn the value of commitment. 

Having the baby changes all the parameters - regardless of the excuses and free passes our culture tries to hand out. Having a baby means you are a parent and no longer have the option of running about doing whatever you want. From that time on, you are responsible for another person, _whether you feel like it or not. _And they (as a couple) have crossed that line. 

It is therefore up to them (not the opinions of a self-obsessed culture) to decide right now whether they are going to commit as parents to the job of being parents (it is NOT OK to play house and then run away from the consequences) - as a couple, or as separate persons. Regardless, they are now no longer 'free' to do what they want. They 'played house' and got the job - like it or not.

A marriage is entirely possible - depending on commitment to it. Commitment is entirely possible. It takes work. He can get a job and keep it. He can commit to faithfulness and keep it. No one is unfaithful without a choice. Fidelity and infidelity are both choices made. If a person can make choices, they can also make sure they do the work to keep their word. Both of them can learn form the very start how to avoid Love Busters and provide Emotional Needs. There is not really an age requirement for those concepts.

Hence, the question she needs to ask him:

"...Are you willing to commit to this baby WITH me (commit to me) _or _are you going to provide for this baby in the form of child support, etc...."

Those are his choices (the only ones she should accept.)

In either event, they are now full fledged adults and they get no free passes to run amok however they want. That choice vanished with the birth.

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via FoxyTunes


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that she is too young to understand that she doesn't have to just accept the guy she fell in with in high school. She doesn't have the experience, wisdom, or point of view yet to see that she CAN make a fulfilling, happy life for herself and her baby whether this guy is in the picture or not. I don't think she realizes that.

No offense, pghgirl, I'm not making an assessment of you - I'd say the same thing of my own 19 year old, and her counselor just told her this week that she is mentally and emotionally older than most college seniors. To me, it's just a matter of years on the planet and access to experiences and development of the brain, which is not usually finished in a 19 year old. And in the same week, her best friend just quit an exclusive college that her dad paid for cos she didn't 'like' it, and is now back home living with her boyfriend and looking for her first job in her life after telling her rich dad that she doesn't want him to pay for college, she wants to do it on her own. She has $5 to her name. She 'may' go to community college next year. My point is that a 19 year old can run the gamut of development. 

Of course pghgirl is capable of taking care of her baby; she's doing so. I just don't want her to keep a guy around just because he's the baby's father, when he is already showing such poor decisionmaking skills.

Can he mature and do the right thing? Of course. If he does, great. 

But IMO she needs to be able to recognize whether he will or won't and be prepared to move on, rather than just accepting him because he's the father and he's there. She deserves better than that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He says he's upset. So...run with that. Set VERY high standards for what you need from him. That should include NO MORE PORN, no contact with other women without your knowledge, NO MORE WEBCAM, and working on the relationship. If he shows you with his actions that he's learned his lesson - by CHANGING - then you're on a good path. But please don't just accept his words. Words are cheap.


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## ladyred8585 (Mar 2, 2010)

To be honest my brother has been doing the same thing with his girlfriend of 13 years. They had their son when they were 19 and she has cheated on him and now their relationship is loveless. They only have intimacy when they are drinking and neither of them is happy. You have to come first. Your little girl is atleast at an age where it will not affect her in a negative way IF you chose to separate. Do not settle for anything less than you deserve. The power to succeed or fail in your relation ship is up to you and no one can take that away from you. Keep this in mind the next time he makes you cry. Due to the fact that he is the father of your child...Please take note strike when the iron is cold and not when you are fighting. 

--ladyred8585


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

turnera said:


> He says he's upset. So...run with that. Set VERY high standards for what you need from him. That should include NO MORE PORN, no contact with other women without your knowledge, NO MORE WEBCAM, and working on the relationship. If he shows you with his actions that he's learned his lesson - by CHANGING - then you're on a good path. But please don't just accept his words. Words are cheap.


Yep!

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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I think that she is too young to understand that she doesn't have to just accept the guy she fell in with in high school. She doesn't have the experience, wisdom, or point of view yet to see that she CAN make a fulfilling, happy life for herself and her baby whether this guy is in the picture or not. I don't think she realizes that.


This, however, is a point of EDUCATION, not age. Her age has nothing to do with it - learning what she needs to, now that she has a child IS. Both of them are fully capable of far more than society or culture deems them able - as is evidenced by centuries of marriages at much younger ages. It's the intellectual input - the building of a database upon which to draw, that matters, not how many days they've been alive.


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

so I just tried to talk with him about him talking to other girls. He insists that he does not talk to them innapropriately and that it pisses him off that I am always nagging him about it. He said if I bring it up again that we will break up for good. I understand that he wants me to trust him. But he has given me no reason to. I asked if I could see his phone and he said no because he was having a personal conversation with his friend nick. I told him then to not show me the texts from nick and he said he will not show me his phone no matter what. So I think I am going to suggest couples counseling because obviously we cannot work this out by ourselves. And I hope he doesnt refuse because what is the harm in trying if it will better our relationship. I will keep you posted.


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

so it didnt go well at all. he said he would rather not be with me then have to go to couples counseling. So i guess to answer your question from the very beginning. no he doesnt want to change and no he doesnt want to be with me. apparently i am just a big ****ing mistake to him....


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

pghgirl527 said:


> so it didnt go well at all. he said he would rather not be with me then have to go to couples counseling. So i guess to answer your question from the very beginning. no he doesnt want to change and no he doesnt want to be with me. apparently i am just a big ****ing mistake to him....


Wow - I am so sorry! You still have some things you could do, if you wished to pursue this avenue - but as has been pointed out, you are free. You can decide how much effort you are willing to out into a possible relationship with him.

Not only that - but you have an advantage that most girls your age never get - you have found a group of people that can help you both get prepared for a very happy and meaningful life, as well as learn how to go into a relationship with both eyes open - with all the tools you could ever need to handle any troubles that may come your way.

Stick around and learn! I wish I had been wise enough to do what you are doing when I was your age - it would have saved me a world of hurt.

Again - I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I do want to remind you of one thing that is extremely important. He is the baby's father - and even if he does not commit to you - he must still take responsibility for the child - that means child support payments, if nothing else. Don't let him 'get away with one.' He IS responsible - that can't change.

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via FoxyTunes


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

((Hug)) Oh I'm sorry it went this way. I'm sure it makes you feel pretty bad and unloved, but you know you're loved, right? I mean, hey you're a valuable member of this community here and you just started. And I am sure there are many people here who can already see how brave, smart, honest, responsible and wonderful you are in just a few hours. I know right now it feels crummy but trust me, if I can see it--a really good man will too. 

It would seem he's being rather a jerk about it, and I'm sorry that he's choosing that route. I had sort of hoped that having a baby might give him the motivation to "do better" but you know what? I'm old and some people never, ever do get that lesson. I'm glad you're starting to learn it already and I'm proud of you. Very proud actually (but trying to maintain my cool image). 

Sooooo..he's making his choices and it's sad he's going that way but he is. You can make your decisions now too and by that I mean you can choose to learn all about healthy relationships and being a STELLAR mom, and I have reason to believe you'll be great at it. Your baby will help a lot cuz you have the joy of seeing him or her smile, giggle, roll over, cuddle, scoot and all that. It's a lot of responsibility but the rewards are so amazing. And you know what? I have faith in you. 

Sooo...I'm sorry. We are here you know.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry. He is still your baby's daddy, and he can still come around, and hopefully he will still be around for his child. But no matter what, YOU are a brave, strong, and loveable girl who is smart enough to be able to care for a child and herself.

There are millions of men in this world looking for someone as great as you. Some day, when you're ready, you will find the perfect man for you.

Do you have family you can go to for support right now?


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

well most of my family does not know that we are even together. because they do not like him so i just stopped talking to them about him. he did come around last night and said that he will go to one session and go from there. but he said he will still never let me see his phone. but i think the real reason he doesnt want to go to counseling is because he is afraid that they will just tell him that he is wrong with what he is doing.. but i dunno.
he is supposed to be coming over tonight to watch a movie with me. so i guess i will just take it day by day


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was ashamed of myself for staying with my husband given the issues he caused, so much so that I never told my mom any of my problems. Next week is our 30 year anniversary. Last year, after my mom moved into a retirement community nearby and I started spending more time with her, I started talking to her honestly about my problems. She was SO understanding, and she KNEW, the whole time. But she felt that, since I didn't offer anything up, she had to stay out of it. 

If I could change anything in my life, one of the two most important things I would have done is to go to my mom when I needed her, instead of hiding my life for fear of what she would say.

Think about it. She's your mom. She'll want to help you through this. And if she finds out you did it on your own without going to her, it will break her heart.


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## pghgirl527 (Mar 30, 2010)

well my mom is not a part of my life at all anyway.so when i was referring to my family i meant my sisters. but i understand what you are saying.


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## Oneoftheguys (Apr 25, 2010)

Having a child together is no reason to allow him to treat you so badly. Clearly he does not feel the same way about wanting to make things work. Your daughter is better off with with one healthy happy parent than with 2 unhealthy ones. I wish someone would have told me that years ago. You have your entire life ahead of you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. He is cheating, you are putting up with it. No excuses! Take the baby and start your life without him. I am not suggesting he shouldn't be part of his daughter's life (unless he is unfit) but he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. Stay strong!


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## N&B (May 16, 2012)

I don't think so 19...a perfect age for marriage you guys still need to understand each other MORE but think sit together and talk about it. Stay Blessed


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

zombie thread


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OLD thread


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