# I sent this to an online psychologist. I am broken



## Confusedlady1214 (Feb 12, 2020)

I have alot of issues due to childhood experiences and the way i was raised. Looking back i think i brought this upon myself today where i am at now. I never really felt loved growing up. And i never cared about it until i was probably 17 years old when i got pregnant. I have been with my current fiance for 5 years. I have taken a lot of mental and at one point physical abuse but it wasnt his fault. I do blame myself for alot of the issues we have today but i want to mostly work through the last 3 weeks that have been horrible to see if theres even a future left together. There is a lot of trust issues due to him cheating early on in our relationship. That was 5 years ago and i never felt ok after it. 

In the back of my head i always felt it would happen again. Even when things were great i felt betrayed by him and that i should never allow myself to be fully happy. Because the last time i was really happy was when he was cheating on me because i had no clue it was happening until almost a year after. He is very good at lying and hiding even little things that it makes me always believe there is something else going on. I always feel as if when he treats me good its to make up for something that he is hiding. I never purposely cause fights. But i look back and see that i felt if i never let myself be happy he wouldnt be able to cheat on me again. If i didnt stand over him 24/7 and make sure he does what hes supposed to do that he would do something wrong. If i ever gave him trust or freedom that he would decide to do something against me. I have come to terms that it is a codependency problem i have due to never feeling wanted or like i belonged in my younger life. In his eyes i complain too much and should let him live and do whatever he pleases. 

He took up smoking weed and do not want that in my life. There has been arguments for the past year now since he started that habit. He has promised to stop and i always find something either a day or week or month later. We both have iphones so are able to see eachothers location at all times. Recently he started turning off his phone to avoid me. I know its for the location. Well i believe thats the reason. But anyway. He did this one day and i drove around every known place he spends time at and did not find him for 5 hours until he turned his phone on. I told him i wasnt comfortable and didnt like that. And then i found weed in his car that he claimed to have stopped for 4 weeks everything was seemingly perfect. So in an angry rage i told him to leave my life and never come back among a million other insults of how horrible i feel with him and how awful he is for doing this to me. And i accused him of cheating on me that night. 

So the day after i apologized and told him maybe i overreacted. He swore up and down that he didnt do anything wrong. We were both fed up at this point and 4 days later decided to try again for the last time. We met up on a thursday after those now 5 days. It went horribly wrong bc i rolled my eyes at the fact that he got a phone call in the middle of a dinner we were supposedly having to reconcile. I apologized that it was a reaction and that it was fine. He took it as though i will never change and will continue to judge him and treat him like an enemy if he gets back with me. So thats thursday. We spoke through text and phone call about giving it another chance. Sunday he texts me saying we are giving it another chance that he will change we will find a way blah blah. In my brain we are together. 

Monday we text like everything is fine. Stupidly i go to the hotel he is staying at expecting to talk and go back to being together. Right. So he refused to let me in. I told him i needed to see something for myself. Meaning i wanted to see if we both still felt anything by being together. But i realize i only wanted to make sure he wasnt smoking weed or had someone there. And he was smoking weed the whole room smelled and 4 hours of standing there refusing to let me in he finally sent me a picture of it and told me it was there. I told him i was done with him and i wouldnt let that go that i felt lied to and wouldnt put up with it. So its now tuesday morning when i told him that. I did not answer a single call or text from him. So about 6pm he shows up at my car and knocks on the window asking me if we're really done i stayed quiet and he drove away. I saw his location through the whole thing. He drove to a town and then to what seemed a pool hall. 

So i followed him to the pool place i thought he was going to. When i pulled up i saw a passenger. It was a girl. So i followed him back to the hotel. It turns out he was taking her there to "eat because he needed someone to talk to" first of all you dont no matter how angry find a random person to eat with that i do not know especially not in the opposite sex. This person i had never met in my life and even heard of or seen in his phone. So when i got to the hotel they were in front of the elevator. Initial reaction i blew up and cursed and screamed and hit him and her and make a scene until the police showed up and made me leave. She disappeared. A day later he texts me and says we cannot move past it bc he knows me too well if i had trust issues before he knows this will always haunt me. He brought out a side of me i never had in me i have never hurt anyone physically or cursed since i was in the 5th grade even. So then he tells me it was only to eat and that he knew he didnt have intentions of doing anything. He never planned to do anything against me. In his mind we were finished and he just wanted to talk. But he has a lot of male friends and couldve talked to them. 

Married ones and single ones so i dont think it was to talk. He blamed me for making him do that and reach that point. I do understand that in no way is that my fault bc you cannot make someone cheat on you. That is there choice in that moment they decide to do that. I took away the choice of what would have happened. And i do understand its the intentions that matter as well as actions. So now thursday we met in person. He apologized, never cried. I didnt even think his facial expressions even showed remorse. He did tell me he is better at hiding his feelings and will not cry or pretend to think an apology can make me ok with the situation. So basically i was forcing an apology from him. He continued to accuse me for bringing him to that point but did accept fault in that he is responsible for his actions of getting into that situation but blames it on being a man and being driven by anger. He said that he understands its wrong. 

And feels guilty for it. But he tries to justify it with that he knows he wouldnt have done anything. Now i feel like the only reason he did not is bc i didnt allow him to. Just like everytime we fought and contemplated breaking up i always begged him and talked him into things one day being better. I cannot even look him in the eyes now. That thursday we spent 6 hours talking in circles with me doing most of the talking trying to get him to understand that he hurt me with this and it wasnt my fault he did that. I do not know what i feel besides dead inside and like i have no purpose as of now. These past 2 weeks have been the most miserable of my life even worse than the past 3 years i spent fighting with him. I know all of the reasons why i shouldnt be with him. He is not worth forgiveness because im sure he doesnt even feel guilt he still feels i caused him to reach that point. But we are capable of moving past this. 

Only if i can deal with what happened. And i tried to do so alone but all i get is more confused about what really happened and if i should even let this go so fast. Its not like he physically did something. But its just the thought that he planned to and was going to had i not stopped him from doing it. I dont deserve to feel like this, no one does. Thats not the goal or purpose of a relationship. I feel i need help because i ran out of hope in myself and have no more answers left.

Also I know you cannot love someone if you dont love yourself but i know i have never loved myself. I mean i am ok with how my life is i have a kid im in school and i have a well paying job and savings for a 22 year old. But do i ever sit down and feel happiness ? No. I am not hopeful for the future either. Yes i have plans and goals for one. But i do not see myself being happy when i reach those goals. And now this has just made me see nothing. Not even a purpose to even have a goal. I built my life around this person. To have to sit here and be blamed for it is really killing me inside. Because i know nothing is my fault. The only thing i did was tell him to leave the house. Everything else he did on his own. But i somehow feel like maybe i did push him away and make him feel like there was no hope. 

But 6 hours of thinking your relationship was over you somehow find a new person ? Theres no way i know this was preplanned. And then he told me they have been asking him yo go out to eat for a while now and all of a sudden he responds and they agree ? Im sure it doesnt work that way. And if it was like that why was that person still contacting you. Did he not set boundaries and shut down the pursuit ? Did he entertain her words and time. And make her feel like he one day was going to. I have access to his phone every night we have lived together for over 4 years now. Every account app, conversation that shows up i see. So where was this ? When did this start. Why was i never told about it before. Why did i have to be the one to take him out of the situation before something happened. If something already did not happen that i do not know because i do not have his phone. I can easily find every deleted message. But i need his phone. And a part of me feels like the only reason i am taking him back is to gain access to that information. 

And its wrong. I do not know in this moment if i even want a relationship. Or if im holding onto an idea of a perfect life and just feel like it has to be him bc we have spent so many years together. He told me there was nothing. Nothing started. It was a one day text and he never met them before that day. I cannot force myself to believe that. No matter how much easier it will make dealing with the pain of that moment. I know in my mind its all a fabricated story to downplay what actually happened. But it is a serious thing. Its not as simple as he thinks that i can just forget about it. He tells me we need to either start over from zero or end it. I told him i cannot after this. Im willing to but i cannot even look at him the same now. He moved near me and i flinch. I am disgusted with what happened or what could've happened. That the thought of being near him or him near me scares me. I dont want to give out the wrong signals and allow him to think any of this was ok. Or that he should even be forgiven. But i dont know what im doing anymore. 

I feel like leaving him forever. I feel like never seeing or speaking to him again. But the next minute i feel like something is telling me not to. And i need to understand why. Why when i have all the reasons in front of me do i feel the need to make the wrong choice. Why should i be with someone who doesnt value me and could do this to me in less than 6 hours of being broken up. Or sooner since i do not know the full story. I dont know who i am anymore at this point. Or what i want. Or why i do anything i do.

I have posted on every marriage/relationship forum imaginable and each one response is to leave and not look back. But something is holding me back and i want to understand that. Is it for the right reasons or for the wrong. Do i really know what im doing right now. Or is this idea of the perfect life with him i once dreamed of making me force myself to go back. I really dont know anymore.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

He cheated 5 years ago and you never got over it.

Smoke was not why he would not let you into his hotel room. He had another woman in there. Men do not take women to a motel room to talk. A coffee shop or a restaurant maybe, but not a hotel room. 

He blames everything on you.

Nothing to save here. Run.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If the things that hurt you are so clear and constant, love yourself more and leave them.

If you took the time to see what was really there, you would not doubt your choice.

The fear of the unknown is holding you back, it only appears worse.

It would not be from your words here.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> If the things that hurt you are so clear and constant, love yourself more and leave them.
> 
> If you took the time to see what was really there, you would not doubt your choice.
> 
> ...


I agree. That little something tugging at the back of your mind that keeps you frozen and not acting is fear. Fear of the unknown future. Fear of being alone.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Confusedlady1214 said:


> I have posted on every marriage/relationship forum imaginable and each one response is to leave and not look back.


And yet, here you are - still clinging like grim death to a loser. Who CARES what makes you do this foolish thing? Dump this loser and THEN fix yourself. Stop making lame excuses to continue being weak.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Seems you both need to work on yourselves. 
Both of you are showing extreme passive aggressive tendencies. 
Your behavior can be classified as stalking. 

Don’t get into any relationship until you get yourself straightened out. You’re headed for many future disappointments otherwise.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Confusedlady1214 said:


> I have alot of issues due to childhood experiences and the way i was raised. Looking back i think i brought this upon myself today where i am at now. I never really felt loved growing up. And i never cared about it until i was probably 17 years old when i got pregnant. I have been with my current fiance for 5 years. I have taken a lot of mental and at one point physical abuse but it wasnt his fault. I do blame myself for alot of the issues we have today but i want to mostly work through the last 3 weeks that have been horrible to see if theres even a future left together. There is a lot of trust issues due to him cheating early on in our relationship. That was 5 years ago and i never felt ok after it.
> 
> In the back of my head i always felt it would happen again. Even when things were great i felt betrayed by him and that i should never allow myself to be fully happy. Because the last time i was really happy was when he was cheating on me because i had no clue it was happening until almost a year after. He is very good at lying and hiding even little things that it makes me always believe there is something else going on. I always feel as if when he treats me good its to make up for something that he is hiding. I never purposely cause fights. But i look back and see that i felt if i never let myself be happy he wouldnt be able to cheat on me again. If i didnt stand over him 24/7 and make sure he does what hes supposed to do that he would do something wrong. If i ever gave him trust or freedom that he would decide to do something against me. I have come to terms that it is a codependency problem i have due to never feeling wanted or like i belonged in my younger life. In his eyes i complain too much and should let him live and do whatever he pleases.
> 
> ...


Missed that. 
Sounds like part of an inferiority complex, and is often a part of negative self talk. 

All the more reason to place relationships on hold until you get the self-esteem and confidence you need.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> He cheated 5 years ago and you never got over it.
> 
> Smoke was not why he would not let you into his hotel room. He had another woman in there. Men do not take women to a motel room to talk. A coffee shop or a restaurant maybe, but not a hotel room.
> 
> ...


Run like the wind, or like you're being chased by a bull.


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