# So... unloved, I can't even come up with a title.



## ArmyFam913 (Aug 25, 2011)

Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum but I'm looking for some advice. My husband and I moved to Hawaii recently so I don't really have any close friends here that I can talk to and the time differences make it difficult to communicate with friends back home. I'm not sure where our problems are coming from but I think it could be sex related. We have sex, maybe 2-3 times a week, which I'm sure is plenty but I'm just never satisfied. My husband doesn't make me feel sexy or loved when we have sex. He'll touch me for a minute or so and then get in and get out. This leaves me feeling kind of used in a way because I'm not satisfied. I've talked to him before and he took offense by saying I was calling him bad in bed, or he will just make a joke about it. I wish he would just take me, touch me, hold me, anything to make me feel like he thinks I'm the sexiest thing in the world.. even though I may not be. While we were dating, sex was great. Now we've been married for 3 years, and he was deployed for a year (which would think he'd want to "explore" my body), and it's all kind of fizzled. I love him dearly but I feel like I am getting depressed over it. 

He is also a big player of WoW (that stupid online game gets more attention than I do). I don't make a big deal out of it b/c I know it is his way of escaping after a long day at work, and I fear it'll start fights that just aren't necessary. I really wish the attention he gives the game, he would give me. He'll remember anything about the game, but he never remembers a single thing I say to him. It is getting super frustrating.

I sometimes feel like he is hiding things. He uses a credit card to make purchases and doesn't tell me. I have no clue what he is spending all this money on every day at work, but I pack his lunch so really, shouldn't need to buy anything. Makes me think he is capable of hiding more greater things... and maybe that's why he just doesn't want to touch me. He just wants to get in and get out.. I wonder if he even cares that it is me he is having sex with or if he just wants his feel good.. 

I'm really getting depressed over everything and anytime I try to talk to him, it just doesn't work out. He gets pissed, throws it out of proportion, than makes me feel bad and I end up apologizing even for just bringing it up. There is no way he is cheating on me, but sometimes I wonder if he wishes he wasn't even with me. Things use to be so great sexually.. I always felt sexy, loved, and desired.. 

Our anniversary is coming up, and there's a part of me that just wishes he'd buy a sexy outfit from Victoria's Secret for me (I've hinted at one I like.. its even saved on my computer), set up a picnic at the beach or in the backyard (we have a gorgeous view) at sunset w/ champagne, then head back to the house.. change into the VS outfit he bought me, and he'd make it as though it is the first time and he wants to feel and kiss every part of my body. 

Apologize for it being long.

One more thing.. when you have been rejected for sex because he doesn't want to stop playing his video game.. it makes you feel even more unloved... ='(


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## ArmyFam913 (Aug 25, 2011)

One more thing.. when you have been rejected for sex because he doesn't want to stop playing his video game.. it makes you feel even more unloved... ='(


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sorry to hear that. Gaming can be a problem. I used to play Joint operations online all the time until I picked up on the fact that my wife felt left out. I immediately stopped and now only play if she is a work or something. I never play when she is here. He needs to read something like "she comes first." If he would read that he would get a much better understanding of what women need in bed. 

Start by telling him women need more foreplay than men and ask him if he wants you to be fulfilled in bed. If he answers yes then tell him "let me tell you what turns me on." Make a play game out of it. When he plays it right reward him with what ever turns him on sexually. Teach him something new each time. 

Men just really don't know sexually how much different ya'll are unless they are taught.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Real life can seem kind of boring I suppose after gearing up for a deployment and such. You want attention, H has already been 'at attention' responding to someone's demands nonstop for a year. I am listening to myself thinking....oh boy...my H just got back from deployment...I am in another apartment! I suppose that's one way to get attention but Hawaii is expensive so here's a different idea.

Let your H know in advance he is going to get ambushed. Then instead of VS go for something a bit more WoW in female attire. Get yourself some 'weapons' too. Then attack. 

Your H has spent a lot of time preparing for action. It's likely if he had an assignment like my H that he did not see any. While that is a GOOD THING, it is also not so great because he now has a battle mind on with no outlet other than things like WoW. I don't know why they don't just keep training high-intensity after coming back from deployment. It would solve a lot of issues for pent-up energy. 

The cutest thing I've ever seen recently was a reenactment of the French and Indian War...grown men in costume with period muskets and cannons shooting at each other stalking across a field. 

Maybe you could take some jiujitsu training so you can 'engage' him. Forget about that sweet VS stuff. 

Last week I dressed up as a Samurai for a showing of 13 Assassins. This week I will be a vampire for Stakeland, and I invited my H to meet me at the theater (I volunteer there...) Also ballroom dance. Maybe you think well, ballroom dance is not the sort of thing a warrior would be interested in...but it builds good footwork and logistical planning and physical engagement for a warrior/soldier. Also it is competitive in a way you wouldn't expect the way to be a good dancer and desirable male partner is to communicate fully to your partner what you want. A woman has to respond to partner's subltle gestures of intention and it is an EXCELLENT way to learn how to pick up on body language and to respond (or not). I am almost thinking that in terms of physical engagement ballroom dance or Argentine Tango is the ultimate in male-female psychological battlefield where a balance can be found but only from a lot of channeling and control of energy and emotion. My H agreed to sign up for classes...and it will be a challenge for both of us. I fully expect him to dance with other women. I think most men would be intrigued by this. Some ladies come to dance class and they do not switch partners with others and stay together...I respect this as they are focusing on their own communication but I think dancing with other people is a good way to learn a lot about yourself and your own relationnal style...as it has benefitted me greatly I see I might have a lot to gain from encouraging my husband to dance with others. Then see what he brings back when he is with me. My feedback is one perspective, if he gets this feedback or similar from others he might give it more weight...also I can gain by listening to what others tell me about how my H leads/communicates to them...and find out what works as a follower, or not. It is way cheaper than counseling and more fun and demands focus which is probably some of what he gets from WoW, the addictive quality of focus that can also be found in meditative practice, yoga balancing poses, rock climbing (which might also interest your H!!!! so think about that, too), and so forth.

I've found that when something repulses me I explore it a bit and really try to see, is it totally revolting or is there something in there that is being sought that might be good? And how else can that be captured or brought to a mix outside of the solo activity. But also people need space and any person does need privacy for whatever they do when they are not being a soldier/husband/father/friend.... A lot of women never give themselves permission to be slovenly or domestically irresponsible or just selfish once in a while or do something that is fun and involved and senseless but otherwise harmless unless to excess...ie waste time without a measure of valid constructiveness...and then get a little distressed when someone else does that because it is experienced as rejection when it is not. 

Try giving your H a little chase material once in a while, if he gave you what you wanted on a silver platter you would at this point doubt the legitimacy of that gift...my poor H while he was deployed I got a lot of therapy and got a life...if he doesn't give me attention I can always go dancing or go to school or to the movies or do stuff with my kids and friends. I would always make time for him but there is a balance. I respect his need to be alone or to pursue his interests because I am taking care of my own 100%. So to spend time with him is a choice and he needs to meet the standard of behavior I expect from friends. We went on a date and he took my hand at lunch and I was like WTF that is forward for a lunch date! He proposed something more and I ignored it as a verbal artifact I have standards nothing but hand holding and pleasant kisses and hugs til well after the third date even for my H. There is nothing so boring as a desperate woman to a man. Give your H a good opportunity to chase. Put your WoW thinking cap on and do a bit of research. 

Now if your H is being mean to you in other ways besides not being interested sexually I would suggest therapy. But so far as I'm concerned the military does not do a very good job with all of their advice about reconnecting and reigniting the passion. I suppose they are concerned with being too PC and not wanting to tell us sensitive women about what really goes on in a man's mind and honestly, sometimes we don't really need to know...all we need to know is how to get what we would like...and that requires some experimentation for the unique H that you are married to. Figure out how to relate...then be prepared to figure it out again and again and again and again. Like Groundhog Day or 100 First Dates. 

I hope this helps and is not offensive. I kind of hate it when I get advice that says I have to do all the work or chase my H when he has been the a** in the relationship. However, I have come to the conclusion that most men are a lot of work...it is like owning a wild horse and wanting to tame it. You might domesticate it but don't plan on having a pack mule or party pony if what impresses you is a stallion you have to give it pasture and then some and figure out a way to convince it that you are nonthreatening and available without being desperate. It's not a destination, it's a process, one that will never, never, end. When you get what you want, understand that you will have to get it all over again. Sometimes I think that is the point with a guy. I'm still experimenting. I expect to make mistakes. But I expect to hit some home runs too.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

ArmyFam913 said:


> One more thing.. when you have been rejected for sex because he doesn't want to stop playing his video game.. it makes you feel even more unloved... ='(


I've been rejected for sex because she doesn't want to stop her quilting. By the time she is done quilting it can be very late and I'm tired and ready to sleep. It's not a "give me 5 minutes" rejection. It's a "I'm going to quilt until I'm ready to go to sleep" rejection.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Real life can seem kind of boring I suppose after gearing up for a deployment and such. You want attention, H has already been 'at attention' responding to someone's demands nonstop for a year. I am listening to myself thinking....oh boy...my H just got back from deployment...I am in another apartment! I suppose that's one way to get attention but Hawaii is expensive so here's a different idea.
> 
> Let your H know in advance he is going to get ambushed. Then instead of VS go for something a bit more WoW in female attire. Get yourself some 'weapons' too. Then attack.
> 
> ...


This is great, Homemaker! Invade his little imaginary WoW world (I hate that game - have constant struggles with my teen and have to institute strict rules on when he can play) and PULL him toward you, entice him to you, make yourself be the most interesting thing even if it means initially becoming involved in his world. He may then open his eyes and turn toward you.

If that is unsuccessful, then you may have to make some hard choices and state what your conditions for the marriage are and insist that he go to counseling with you. If he won't go with you, then go yourself. Constant rejection can be demoralizing, but it's more a reflection of him than of you.

Best wishes.


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## ArmyFam913 (Aug 25, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Real life can seem kind of boring I suppose after gearing up for a deployment and such. You want attention, H has already been 'at attention' responding to someone's demands nonstop for a year. I am listening to myself thinking....oh boy...my H just got back from deployment...I am in another apartment! I suppose that's one way to get attention but Hawaii is expensive so here's a different idea.
> 
> Let your H know in advance he is going to get ambushed. Then instead of VS go for something a bit more WoW in female attire. Get yourself some 'weapons' too. Then attack.
> 
> ...


Deployment has nothing to do with the situation, just the fact that he was gone. And he doesn't like fantasies like that.. he prefers the lil outfits and nighties from VS. He isn't a hardcore military guy like most. He has an office job.. Infantry and cavalry are the guys you are thinking of.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

There are a few red flags in your relationship here. First, no communication or trust about purchases with the credit card. It's strange that this is an issue. Is he hiding it or never thought to tell you and you're reading into it? If you ask him, will he tell you? Then when you bring up a concern he makes you feel so bad you apologize for bringing it up? That's very bad, RED flag. You need to fix how you handle issues as a team for your marriage to work long term. Thing years down the road when all of your concerns are suppressed and you've lived only for his concerns. Think about the resentment that will build, the opportunities that will pass you by (like loving sex), the accumulation of feeling. Think long term. You two have to find a way to approach problems, even if they're difficult.

About the sex, I know in my situation, my husband watched porn when deployed. He figures, he has to do something. But it affected our love life big time. People here say it warps a man's views about sex. It seemed like we could do less and less in the bedroom, and I'd loss the caresses too because he watches porn which does not resemble loving, intimate sex, and it almost seemed as if he'd forgotten what it was like to look at me and really see me and engage. We're working on this now. 

Also, I know it's very hard after moving to Hawaii, but see if you can't get out and find some type of support group, activities or such. A job is good if you can get one b/c out there people you work with become friends. The extra stress of moving across the world can be very difficult. I know, because my H was stationed there as well. It may help you to have some friends nearby.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My H had an office job too. But it doesn't matter, anyone who is in the military has to train to be ready for combat or attack. I know, because I was in the military. It's worse sometimes when you don't get to do that kind of duty because there is no release valve on the job but...still you have to train for it and be prepared for it, especially during a deployment. And to top it off having an office job is demoralizing when others get together and talk about your duty and you are doing your duty but it is not anything you can share stories you know the kind of stories I am talking about, the ones that are close calls highlight brilliant thinking or reflexes, etc. 

I dunno what he tells you about what he likes some men are afraid to say what they like or don't know wht they like. My H does like all kinds of stuff during the day he likes the hippy natural look flower dresses and that sort of thing. I think any guy who likes the flowers and sweetness will also be surprised and have their attention grabbed by the opposite once in a while. 

My H said he wants to have more of a to-do list and to be 'managed' and held accountable. Now, I think he is a grown man this is not my job to keep him on a leash even part time. However, since I am married to him I will make him a list or whatever.

Maybe your H needs some kind of hobby like rock climbing or something like that. If not, you could get one at least you would have fun and it would allow you to get attention from other people often that is not a bad thing. Some men like some healthy competition so long as it is undertaken in the spirit of fun and attention getting and is socially acceptable so far as not misleading anyone and being good natured about it. 

Most of my men friends and even my H say they like a good chase once in a while. Me, too!

Anyway, you just have to experiment and go with your gut instinct. I wonder what he would do if you hid his game and put together a scavenger hunt for him to find it?????? With various obstacles he had to overcome or tasks he had to perform (tee hee hee) to get the next clue to the prize of the computer game. Would he be upset, or maybe he would get the message after all.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

ArmyFam913 said:


> I wish he would just take me, touch me, hold me, anything to make me feel like he thinks I'm the sexiest thing in the world.. even though I may not be. While we were dating, sex was great. Now we've been married for 3 years, and he was deployed for a year (which would think he'd want to "explore" my body), and it's all kind of fizzled. I love him dearly but I feel like I am getting depressed over it.


Play hard to get. Don't allow him to wham, bam unless you feel revved up enough. Guys love the chase, and his year away probably desensitized him a bit. The trick here is to be subtle enough, and make him work for the cookie, but not too hard. 

If he doesn't get the point, then go more aggressive.



> He is also a big player of WoW (that stupid online game gets more attention than I do). I don't make a big deal out of it b/c I know it is his way of escaping after a long day at work, and I fear it'll start fights that just aren't necessary. I really wish the attention he gives the game, he would give me. He'll remember anything about the game, but he never remembers a single thing I say to him. It is getting super frustrating.


This is a bigger issue. The problem with WOW is that it eats ones life, if you allow it. You are going to need to have that fight and ensure he knows there is a time for WOW, and a time for you. When is the last time he took you out? When did you last sit together on the couch and watch a movie?



> I sometimes feel like he is hiding things. He uses a credit card to make purchases and doesn't tell me. I have no clue what he is spending all this money on every day at work, but I pack his lunch so really, shouldn't need to buy anything. Makes me think he is capable of hiding more greater things... and maybe that's why he just doesn't want to touch me. He just wants to get in and get out.. I wonder if he even cares that it is me he is having sex with or if he just wants his feel good..


My wife has not worked our entire marriage, and I go over our entire budget and expenditures with her every month. I suggest you do the same. You are in a partnership. It probably is nothing, but marriage is about trust and that requires transparency.



> I'm really getting depressed over everything and anytime I try to talk to him, it just doesn't work out. He gets pissed, throws it out of proportion, than makes me feel bad and I end up apologizing even for just bringing it up. There is no way he is cheating on me, but sometimes I wonder if he wishes he wasn't even with me. Things use to be so great sexually.. I always felt sexy, loved, and desired..


Relationships take work, and one thing many women do is allow themselves to be treated poorly to help their man. A guy, or employer, will treat you how you expect to be treated. I suggest taking a stronger tact with him. It'd be better for your marriage to end tomorrow than spend the next 10 years miserable and with things continuously getting worse.



> One more thing.. when you have been rejected for sex because he doesn't want to stop playing his video game.. it makes you feel even more unloved...


It's not just a video game.. It's an escape from reality and all it's demands and hardships. It might not even be by choice. WOW is an easy game to become addicted to. It's more akin to a drug than Super Mario.

You sound like an attractive, fun girl. Remember there are a lot of guys out there who would bend over backwards for someone like you. Think of that when he's ignoring you.


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## AltoSax4ever (Feb 23, 2011)

txhunter54 said:


> I've been rejected for sex because she doesn't want to stop her quilting. By the time she is done quilting it can be very late and I'm tired and ready to sleep. It's not a "give me 5 minutes" rejection. It's a "I'm going to quilt until I'm ready to go to sleep" rejection.


Now that really sucks!!!! Hmmm, let me see, do I want to quilt, or spend "fun time" with my spouse?? Priorities and how our spouses put them in order sure do make married life difficult sometimes!!! Getting snubbed by quilting, that even makes ME sick. "Your gonna have to wait for that naked back massage honey, I have to change the oil in the lawn mower!"


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

first you need to socialize and find new friends or that situation wont change. The next time you mention it to him and he laughs it off, tell him what is bothering you. Tell him you crave physical closeness or you will have to find it elsewhere


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

ArmyFam913 said:


> I wish he would just take me, touch me, hold me, anything to make me feel like he thinks I'm the sexiest thing in the world.. even though I may not be. While we were dating, sex was great. Now we've been married for 3 years, and he was deployed for a year (which would think he'd want to "explore" my body), and it's all kind of fizzled. I love him dearly but I feel like I am getting depressed over it.
> 
> Our anniversary is coming up, and there's a part of me that just wishes he'd buy a sexy outfit from Victoria's Secret for me (I've hinted at one I like.. its even saved on my computer), set up a picnic at the beach or in the backyard (we have a gorgeous view) at sunset w/ champagne, then head back to the house.. change into the VS outfit he bought me, and he'd make it as though it is the first time and he wants to feel and kiss every part of my body.
> 
> ='(


Armyfam - sorry to hear that. I wish the best for you and your husband. Try to attempt going to marriage counseling. Sometimes hearing these things from a counselor will help your voice get through to him. 

I really wish my wife was more like you in this area. I actually pray for her want the things that you want. 

Good luck.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

Marriage is all about giving. When we stop giving to each other and just concentrate on getting for ourselves trouble starts to set in. And that "getting" is anything from quick sex (when only one leaves satisfied...),video games to nights out with the boys or girls, etc. - anything that takes away from what we need from each other as spouses. We devalue our spouse when we put a bloody video game (or anything) ahead of their needs or desires! 
There's more going on here than meets the eye. Find the why and then do whatever is necessary to fix it... counselling, etc.


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