# Feeling broken and don't know what happens now



## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

My husband of 11 years has been cheating on me for a long time. I confirmed it for myself yesterday. He says I should have known.

He was out all Saturday night at a birthday party with friends. I picked him up Sunday morning after church. I messaged him that I was on my way and he let me know their garage door was open and his phone was almost dead. I assumed that was an invitation to come in and get him (I've been to this house many times). I go in, but no one is there, I go through the house to find his friend's daughter watching cartoons and ask where he is. "He's still asleep with mommy." 

Just then, they both come tumbling out of her bedroom, he grabs his backpack and we leave. I didn't say anything. He didn't say anything. I feel like my body just went on autopilot. 

Monday morning while I was making his breakfast and he was getting ready for work, I asked him why he slept with her. I expected some brush off, some claim that I'm paranoid (I've gotten a lot of those in the past), but he just looked at me and said, "Because it was fun and it felt good."

I asked how long, he says a while, maybe more than a year off and on, but a lot more lately. He said I'm not into the same things he is and he needs more, that it's my fault that I don't get out more so we can have fun together. 

He's right, of course, I don't get out much. We used to be very social together, but once we had children, someone had to stay with them. He works to support us, so I thought it was fair that I stay home. We don't live near any family and I have lost almost all contact with any friends I had. There was never time for me to spend with them, and the few I spoke with online have cut me out because they don't like my husband. I have tried to do more, I go to church regularly and take my daughter to scouts, but anything else has to be done after the work is done and kids are in bed. Every other month or so I make time to go to a late movie by myself.

Anyway, we argued (quietly, the kids were still sleeping), and I told him he either had to end it, or we would have to end it. I don't even know where that came from. I cried and told him we would talk about things that night.

So last night when he got home, he seemed normal: family dinner, playing with the kids, and then I got the kids to bed. I waited until I was sure the oldest one was sleeping before I asked him if he was ready to talk. He said there were really only a few options at this point: I could kick him out; I could take the kids and leave; He could stay and we would just be married but separate so the kids could grow up with two parents; or I could just accept things and we could stay the way we are and he would just see her during his free time like he does now.

I realize none of those options involve him not seeing her anymore. I realized, he hasn't even tried to apologize. When I asked if he was sorry at all, he paused and said, "not really". He had a thousand reasons why this is my fault, some of them are true I guess. He talked about conversations I don't remember having, all these things I told him were okay. I feel like I must be losing my mind. He says I never remember these things when I don't want too. Maybe I really have been forgetting things. 

He held me while I cried. He knows I have nowhere to go, so he held me and made me drink water. He almost seemed like the caring man I thought he was. He wanted to kiss and cuddle. I don't know why I didn't scream at him. I don't know why I didn't throw all his stuff out and set it on fire. I told him it would be a goodbye. I think that's the first reaction he made. He actually seemed hurt by that. Not sure why that. 

This morning, I packed his suitcase. I made sure he had what he needed to get by for a week or so. I didn't ask where he would go. Pretty sure I already know. When he didn't come home this evening, I was worried that the kids would ask questions. They didn't, and I realized that him being gone to hang out with friends overnight was so common, they didn't even think something was different.

He said he loves me, but he's not going to give up sleeping with others. I love him too. Even now, while I cry over my keyboard, I love him so much. I don't even know where to go from here. I suppose divorce is the only option, and I'm terrified. My only income is from babysitting during the day. I homeschool our kids. I don't have a vehicle of my own and my only family lives a 3-day drive away. And I haven't even thought about telling them. I don't know what I would say. They will be so disappointed in me. Am I being selfish, am I destroying my family, am I hurting my children by making him leave? I feel like the life we've worked so hard to build is over and there's nothing in front of me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What does he mean that you’re not into the same things he is? He needs more...of what? Are you refusing him sexually? Or are you keeping him satisfied most days?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your husband? How many children do you have & what are their ages? You said that you don't have a car. Why don't you have one? You need a car of your own. Tell your family what is going on. You said that your friends do not like your husband? Did they tell you why?

You need to have an exit plan. See a divorce attorney. Follow the advice of your attorney. Do not stay in this marriage. Your husband has no respect for you at all. Get an STD test from your physician. You need to protect yourself & your children. So sorry that you are here.


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

He wants an open marriage. I'm not opposed to us sharing sex with others, but we agreed many years ago that any opportunities would be discussed and agreed on/ or not by both of us. Over time, though, it turned into him bringing home women and I was supposed to be okay with it. He's a natural flirt and very charming, and they follow him home like puppies. They never had any regard for me and I ended up feeling like I had to do it or risk his temper. 

There have been times over the years where things have not been good sexually between us, and we've put a lot of work into improving things. I went to therapy and got my head on straight and things improved. 

He is into bondage and likes things particularly rough. I've tried so many times to do the things he asks, but my ideas aren't enough. There's always something else I should be trying or he says I've dismissed all his ideas. But I do try. I hate to hurt him, but I try to do what he wants. He says I don't listen, but he expects me to already know what I'm doing. He says it's just easier if someone else does it so I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered by his needs, but I'm just not the kind of mean he wants in bed.


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> How old are you and your husband? How many children do you have & what are their ages? You said that you don't have a car. Why don't you have one? You need a car of your own. Tell your family what is going on. You said that your friends do not like your husband? Did they tell you why?
> 
> You need to have an exit plan. See a divorce attorney. Follow the advice of your attorney. Do not stay in this marriage. Your husband has no respect for you at all. Get an STD test from your physician. You need to protect yourself & your children. So sorry that you are here.


We are in our mid 30's. We have 2 children, one in elementary and one still a toddler. We share a vehicle because cars are expensive and we are still paying this one off. We didn't want to get into more debt than necessary. 
My family is very conservative. Divorce is a huge no. And frankly, I feel like a failure. My Dad was the one who married us and I've let him down. I can't even imagine what they would say. They love me and my kids very much, but I don't want to drag them into our issues.
As for my friends, they don't like that I take on all the home responsibilities (kids, cleaning, bills, lawn work, homeschooling, trash, basically anything that needs to be done, I make sure is done) and he just works. But he is the only real income, and he is the reason we have any of those things to take care of anyway. So they stopped talking to me. 

I don't know how to get a divorce attorney, or how I would ever pay one, but I guess I'll have to figure it out.
And yeah, he said they don't always use protection, so I'll have to get a test, another conversation I never wanted to have. I don't know how he could be so reckless.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, talk to your parents. My sister was in the same boat as you are in. My parents were conservatives & opposed a divorce as well, until my sister came down with STD! My parents mortgaged their home to pay for her attorney's fees & they helped her find one as well. After the divorce was made final, she got the family car, an alimony which included back to school program for her, health insurance for her and her two children, and the house to live in. My ex-brother in-law made the payments to the house, until my sister was gainfully employed. The judge also ruled that my ex-brother in-law reimburse my parents for my sister's court fees.

Today, my sister is a successful attorney and both her children have completed college and on their own. Ironically, my ex-brother in law remarried and cheated again. My sister represented his second wife in their divorce proceeding. Karma bit him!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

sadly paper tiger you are married to a very selfish man who sees only his needs being met, i suspect that even of you told him that you wanted to close your marriage to others he would still cheat. I would definitely start by doing a couple things
1. stop making his suitcase and doing things for him, his bad behavior is not one i would continue to support
2. if he tells you to come pick him up after having sex with some else tell him to take a cab
3. start secretly putting money away for you and the children
4. do not have unprotected sex with him
5. take care of yourself and your kids
6. i would speak with your family, if possible; is it your religion, family or culture that condones divorce? 

to be honest i'm not sure you can change his behavior without him wanting to change on his own, the only control you have is your behavior and how you respond to his.


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> OP, talk to your parents. My sister was in the same boat as you are in. My parents were conservatives & opposed a divorce as well, until my sister came down with STD! My parents mortgaged their home to pay for her attorney's fees & they helped her find one as well. After the divorce was made final, she got the family car, an alimony which included back to school program for her, health insurance for her and her two children, and the house to live in. My ex-brother in-law made the payments to the house, until my sister was gainfully employed. The judge also ruled that my ex-brother in-law reimburse my parents for my sister's court fees.
> 
> Today, my sister is a successful attorney and both her children have completed college and on their own. Ironically, my ex-brother in law remarried and cheated again. My sister represented his second wife in their divorce proceeding. Karma bit him!


I will try. In my head, I keep trying to think of ways to fix this. In sickness and health, rich or poor, till death. I wasn't kidding. And I love him. For all the pain I feel right now, and all my fears about what to do, I don't want him hurt. I don't want to force him to take care of me. Apparently, I've been doing that for years. I just don't want to be used. I don't want to be the poor wife who sits at home while her husband unashamedly sleeps with someone else. He told me all his friends have known all along. He told them I didn't care as long as I didn't have to know about it. Who believes that?!

I keep trying to tell myself it can be fixed, even though I don't know how. And once I tell someone, it really will be over. If I tell my parents, they'll insist I come home. I don't know how to tell the kids. I don't want them to hate their dad. We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him, I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made. 

I'm so angry! How could he do this?! And why am I the one trying to figure out how our lives will work out while he is at her house sleeping in her bed?!


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

I don't know how not to take care of the people I love. I will bend over backward if I can to help a friend and I have walked through fire and over eggshells to make this marriage work. I don't know how to do anything but give everything I have. I've picked up my phone a thousand times today to ask him if he's okay, or did I forget to pack something, or does he need something. I almost asked him to come home and have dinner with the kids. But every time, I managed to put the phone down and leave him alone. It must be easy for him to let me go, but for me, it's a huge struggle.

I'm trying to put some money back. Thankfully, I manage all the bills, so though there isn't a lot left over, I may be able to hold back a little if we cut down some things.

And there will be no more sex with him. I'm so disgusted and angry that he would be that irresponsible to sleep with her unprotected.

My family is very religious. Christian. My father a pastor. I'm terrified a divorce could hurt his reputation with his church. My parents are the kind of genuinely good people that every Christian should be, and I don't want to hurt them or cause them trouble in their lives. I know they would tell me to come home.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, tell your parents. Move back home if you have to. Don't be ashamed. Your husband threw you and your children away. Do not let him hide behind you. Expose him from the shadows. He is no prize. Do not protect him. Protect yourself from him for the sake of your children.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@PaperTiger I am going to PM you, if you don't mind, rather than posting publicly.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

PaperTiger,
When we embrace marriage with all that we are and have (especially when we have such an example in our own parents), the lines between our spouse and ourselves become very blurred. When we act and choose for two for so long, we become unable to see things solely from our own perspective. In fact, to do so seems almost selfish. But I am now convinced that this approach is as unhealthy as being truly selfish, and far more personally destructive. Especially when, in how we feel, the two of us become one person. We feel the other's joy ... but we also feel each other's shame. We should never own another person's choices - because we never decided on enacting them in the first place. 

I have the view that what any couple consents to (BOTH of them) in a marriage is their own business. I would not choose an open marriage for myself, but if another couple BOTH choose to do so, then they should have that freedom. I have slightly different views around BDSM, but again feel very strongly that it is only acceptable in any way if BOTH parties agree to it. But these are my current moral positions. What I read in what you have written is that you have never positively agreed to what your husband has brought into your marriage. Not the other women, not any of it. And I think that you have spent much of your marriage shouldering shame for your husband's choices and behaviour (because you disagree so strongly with them ). He clearly does not feel shame around these choices. But you do. But nothing of what he has brought into your marriage is on you. Not the adulterous behaviour (if that is what you feel it to be). Not the shameful selfishness. Not the complete lack of empathy towards you. 

This shame is not yours to feel. The shame of never taking your wishes into account in your marriage is your husband's burden to bear. But the consequences of that shame are weighing you down and harming you. 

I urge you to speak openly to your parents about the true state of your life and marriage. Keeping such secrets from those who love us, hurts us so much and in so many ways.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, first off, your husband is a dishonorable disgusting POS and I hope you take him to the cleaners. You really need a support system and I suggest that you at the least ask your parents for advice.

Second, from your post it's obvious that the two of you are Very VERY sexually incompatible.

How soon into the marriage did you realize this?
Why did you continue the relationship when you did realize this?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Always remember, it is not your fault.

He can lie to you and make you think it is, but it’s not your fault.

It is all his fault. He could have worked with you. He could have communicated his discontent with you, and brought the vaults of heaven down upon you to impress you with how important his needs were.

He should not have cheated.

You did not make him cheat.

If he was an honorable man he would have tried and tried, and when he gave up he would have divorced you.

He would not have cheated if he loved you.

I suppose I could say if he’s mentally ill there might be extenuating circumstances.

But your husband is just a lust driven cheat who does not love you.

It is not your fault.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PaperTiger said:


> I will try. In my head, I keep trying to think of ways to fix this. In sickness and health, rich or poor, till death. I wasn't kidding. And I love him. For all the pain I feel right now, and all my fears about what to do, I don't want him hurt. I don't want to force him to take care of me. Apparently, I've been doing that for years. I just don't want to be used. I don't want to be the poor wife who sits at home while her husband unashamedly sleeps with someone else. He told me all his friends have known all along. He told them I didn't care as long as I didn't have to know about it. Who believes that?!
> 
> I keep trying to tell myself it can be fixed, even though I don't know how. And once I tell someone, it really will be over. If I tell my parents, they'll insist I come home. I don't know how to tell the kids. I don't want them to hate their dad. We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him, I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made.
> 
> *I'm so angry! How could he do this?!* And why am I the one trying to figure out how our lives will work out while he is at her house sleeping in her bed?!


Because he is not a nice person.

And allowing his bit on the side's daughter to know they are sleeping together? That is wrong on a number of levels. 

You think about other people. Well, that's good. But not if you do it to excess.

You think about your parents and how they would react, if their image would be damaged. I doubt it would.

And I hope they'd not care, anyway.

Your husband is obviously not the marrying kind and he has inflicted an unBiblical lifestyle on you and just expects you to keep on eating up the **** sandwiches he gives you.

No! No more! See your parents and ask your father for his advice as a Pastor.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Tell OW spouse today. The affair will end.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

PaperTiger said:


> I will try. In my head, I keep trying to think of ways to fix this. In sickness and health, rich or poor, till death. I wasn't kidding. And I love him. For all the pain I feel right now, and all my fears about what to do, I don't want him hurt. I don't want to force him to take care of me. Apparently, I've been doing that for years. I just don't want to be used. I don't want to be the poor wife who sits at home while her husband unashamedly sleeps with someone else. He told me all his friends have known all along. He told them I didn't care as long as I didn't have to know about it. Who believes that?!
> 
> I keep trying to tell myself it can be fixed, even though I don't know how. And once I tell someone, it really will be over. If I tell my parents, they'll insist I come home. I don't know how to tell the kids. I don't want them to hate their dad. We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him, I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made.
> 
> I'm so angry! How could he do this?! And why am I the one trying to figure out how our lives will work out while he is at her house sleeping in her bed?!


PaperTiger, I am concerned about this statement - "I don't want to tell the kids. *We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him* " Can you explain what you meant by this?

Your husband has laid out your choice very clearly! It's his way or the highway. How "his way" affects you and the kids, how it affects your feelings, and furthermore - all of your wants and desires be dammed - he doesn't care about any of these things if they interfere with what he wants. He not only has shown you this attitude with his actions but he has also bluntly told you the same. Believe him. He is not changing. You can not fix him or turn him into what you want him to be. You have no control over him. None what so ever.

If you choose to stay with him - do so with your eyes wide open and have no delusions that anything will be different. In fact things are probably going to escalate if you stay now - as he will take that as approval and permission and will seek more and more new thrills and thrill providers. Make no mistake in thinking otherwise. He wants what he wants and he is going to continue to live a life built around fulfilling HIS wants and desires first and foremost. You may get a little love and concern now and then when it suits him, but never when you want it or need it most - especially if it interferes with HIS wants and desires. Yours or the kids wants and desires will always be 2nd to his. He has made this clear - again and again - in his actions and with his words. 

Can you live happily and productively raising your children the way you think they should be raised within the marriage you are in now? Can you live with a possible escalation of his behaviors? Do you want your marriage and relationship you have now to be the model for your children to see and grow up around? If not - GET OUT NOW!

Knowledge can be empowerment. You are operating on your fears of trying to live without him and his income right now - which is totally understandable. Divorce for you will NOT be an easy path - no doubt. But it is doable and many woman just like you have traveled this path successfully and come out of it with a better and happier life for them and their children. You can do the same IF you choose to. But your fears can keep you paralyzed and stuck in a horrible situation if you let them. Knowledge can help alleviate some of your fears. Hard work can make your goals attainable. You sound like you are an intelligent woman and definitely a hard worker, so I feel fairly confident you can make a good life for yourself and for your children if you decide to leave this marriage. 

So, IMO your first step RIGHT NOW is to start to gather knowledge. Go see a lawyer to find out your legal rights and what the procedure is. Start searching out what resources there are around you that you can tap into. Talk to your pastor to see what resources he can recommend for you. Talk to your parents and see if or how they will be willing to help you. They may surprise you. Research on the internet. Here is an article and a site to start with:

https://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-stay-at-home-mom.html

Right now - you don't have to make any decisions. Don't let your husband back into the home yet. You need some space from him to clear your head so you can think clearly. Just start gathering information. Remember - knowledge can be empowerment. Your decisions need to be made on the basis of what is good for you and your children, and NOT BASED SOLELY ON FEARS AND INSECURITIES. 

Again - Whatever decision you make - make it with your eyes wide open and with no delusions of your husband changing. He has shown you exactly who he is, what he wants, and how he intends to live his life. 

If the man he has shown himself to really be is a man you want to stay married to... IF you really love the real man he is (the whole man with all of his traits good and bad - and not a fantasy man you have created in your head seeing only the good traits and ignoring the bad)... If the lifestyle he has been living, is now living, and intends to continue to live, is the lifestyle you want for you and your children for the rest of your life and for the remaining years your children live with you... then by all means stay with your husband! 

If not - i suggest you leave this marriage and move forward on rebuilding a good life for yourself and your children - without ever looking back. 

Your honest answers to these questions will give you YOUR answer to the path you need to choose. Its your decision. Choose wisely!

Good Luck!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

PaperTiger said:


> I keep trying to tell myself it can be fixed, even though I don't know how. And once I tell someone, it really will be over. If I tell my parents, they'll insist I come home. I don't know how to tell the kids. I don't want them to hate their dad. *We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him, I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made.*
> 
> I'm so angry! How could he do this?! *And why am I the one trying to figure out how our lives will work out while he is at her house sleeping in her bed?!*


To the first bolded… What?!? Why are they afraid of their own Dad?
To the second bolded… Because you're the responsible, caring one who was in it for the long haul. Your husband doesn't care about anyone but himself and his sexual needs.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> So last night when he got home, he seemed normal: family dinner, playing with the kids, and then I got the kids to bed. I waited until I was sure the oldest one was sleeping before I asked him if he was ready to talk. He said there were really only a few options at this point: I could kick him out; I could take the kids and leave; He could stay and we would just be married but separate so the kids could grow up with two parents; or I could just accept things and we could stay the way we are and he would just see her during his free time like he does now.
> 
> I realize none of those options involve him not seeing her anymore. I realized, he hasn't even tried to apologize. When I asked if he was sorry at all, he paused and said, "not really". He had a thousand reasons why this is my fault, some of them are true I guess. He talked about conversations I don't remember having, all these things I told him were okay. I feel like I must be losing my mind. He says I never remember these things when I don't want too. Maybe I really have been forgetting things.


OP...be GLAD he so callously and coldly told you what the options are. Why? because it makes dumping his sorry a$$ so much easier. you will save a lot of time and effort...unlike many stories seen here......where this drags on and on...without meaningful change...only to end the worst way anyway.

at least you honestly know what you are dealing with and can make rational and quick decisions and put this as far behind you as possible.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

PaperTiger said:


> In my head, I keep trying to think of ways to fix this. In sickness and health, rich or poor, till death. I wasn't kidding.


You're not trying to think of ways to fix this because there is nothing to fix. What you're trying to do is make it all go away. You're trying to find a way to make it all okay so you don't have to deal with it. But it happened, and it has been happening for a very, very long time. It has been happening behind your back. It has been happening right in front of you. You ignored everything. You gave him total freedom to be the selfish jerk that he is, while he made you feel like you were never good enough. You allowed him to make you take the blame for his actions, but you are not to blame. He did everything he did because he wanted to. He did it all because he has no respect for you, and that, unfortunately, is because you have no respect for yourself. You have no idea who you are. I guess your upbringing is responsible for that, but you have to rise above your past and become grown woman on your own - a grown woman who can make her own decisions without fearing judgment from others - a grown woman who will not allow herself to be so horribly disrespected the way you have been.

It doesn't matter if you were serious or kidding about your marriage vows. Those were not the only vows the two of you recited, and he has broken all the others. So what does it matter if you took them seriously? He didn't take anything seriously. He doesn't care one way or the other, so you cannot be the only devoted partner in a marriage. You cannot and should not want to accept that and settle for it.



PaperTiger said:


> And I love him.


So what that you love him. You are using that as a crutch. You are using "I love him" as an excuse to tolerate his infidelity and disrespect. Loving him is something you cannot place so much emphasis on. Loving him is something you cannot use to supercede the decisions you have to make. Loving him is something you have to decide to get over.



PaperTiger said:


> For all the pain I feel right now, and all my fears about what to do, I don't want him hurt. I don't want to force him to take care of me. Apparently, I've been doing that for years. I just don't want to be used.


But you didn't do anything, so how do you think YOU are hurting HIM? There is nothing you can do to hurt him. He did this to you. He did this to himself. He has to face the natural consequences of his actions. You now have to do what you are supposed to do for yourself and your children.



PaperTiger said:


> I don't want to be the poor wife who sits at home while her husband unashamedly sleeps with someone else. He told me all his friends have known all along. He told them I didn't care as long as I didn't have to know about it. Who believes that?!


He has made a fool of you in front of you and to his friends and all you want to do is keep claiming how much you love him.

I keep trying to tell myself it can be fixed, even though I don't know how. And once I tell someone, it really will be over. If I tell my parents, they'll insist I come home. I don't know how to tell the kids. I don't want them to hate their dad. We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him, I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made. 



PaperTiger said:


> I'm so angry! How could he do this?! And why am I the one trying to figure out how our lives will work out while he is at her house sleeping in her bed?!


Finally, you are making some kind of sense.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

PaperTiger said:


> I don't know how not to take care of the people I love. I will bend over backward if I can to help a friend and I have walked through fire and over eggshells to make this marriage work. I don't know how to do anything but give everything I have. I've picked up my phone a thousand times today to ask him if he's okay, or did I forget to pack something, or does he need something. I almost asked him to come home and have dinner with the kids. But every time, I managed to put the phone down and leave him alone. It must be easy for him to let me go, but for me, it's a huge struggle.
> 
> I'm trying to put some money back. Thankfully, I manage all the bills, so though there isn't a lot left over, I may be able to hold back a little if we cut down some things.
> 
> ...


What would hurt his reputation is his daughter living in a open marriage and it becomes known. 

There will be no backlash if you divorcing a husband that refuses to quit cheating on you. Our previous pastors daughter had a bad first marriage. Her husband cheated on her. He went and picked her up from a Christian college they were both attending and got the divorce going himself. I would if though much less of him if he tried to make her stay with the cheater. 

Let your family know the situation you are in.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Paper tiger this is not your fault in any way. The thing is you should have left when this behavior of your husband bring home other women started.


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## Txquail (Feb 21, 2018)

Tell OW spouse


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

PaperTiger said:


> My husband of 11 years has been cheating on me for a long time. I confirmed it for myself yesterday. He says I should have known.
> 
> .....I go through the house to find his friend's daughter watching cartoons and ask where he is. *"He's still asleep with mommy." *
> 
> ...


Where to start. Congratulations in packing his bag. That was the right move. Well done.

You do need to tell your parents and your children. They may already know more than you expect. First off tell them that you found that your husband was sleeping and having sex with another woman and that is not acceptable to you. Furthermore, that when you tried to reconcile with your husband he said he was not going to give up having sex with others. Your parents should understand and I'll bet your children will as well.

Now next you need to get yourself tested for STD's. Sorry, but a fact of life in this day and age.

After that you need to get a really good divorce attorney. You soon to be ex-husband has children and a under most situations even if you have a marginal income he needs to support you and your children in a financially responsible way, that includes transportation (car) education, food, shelter, etc.

If you don't have a lot of friends near by or a support system you need to either find one or move. You should talk to your children and share with them that because of their dad's behavior there are going to be some significant lifestyle changes and one of them may be that you will need to move to a place you can better afford or that is close to your family.

Good luck and get a really good divorce attorney. Don't be surprised if he closes checking accounts and credit cards on you without telling you. If he does have your attorney talk to him about how expects you to pay to feed and shelter your children. This needs to get ugly, but professional fast.

Again, Good luck. It is nothing you have done. He has made it clear that he would rather wreck two families and two sets of children because it is fun and feels good. He should be responsible to his wedding vows and his family, but he isn't. If he doesn't love his children enough to do the right thing, his feelings for you have to be less.

You will be better off without a man like that. It will hurt, you will go through the steps of grieving the loss of your marriage, but it will get better with time and your children will be better off seeing that marriage is suppose to mean something than seeing you accept his cheating behavior.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

PaperTiger,

Please handle this NOW, a lifetime with a serial cheater is a horror story. I've know 80 something year old women who continued to breakdown after years upon years of being cheated on. Resolve this now, he has to become completely honest and transparent with you about EVERYTHING. 

Falling apart inside every time you don't know where your H is, is a painful way to live. 

Tamat


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond to me. I'll try to respond to as many questions as I can. 

To those suggesting I out them to her spouse, that isn't possible. She is recently divorced and her ex is in prison for an unspeakable crime. That is actually when my husband started spending a lot of time at her house. You know, to help out a friend. I baked her and her daughter two weeks worth of freezer meals to get them through such a hard time. Lord, how they must have been laughing at me.

My comment on my kids being afraid of him: that is a long history. He has a serious temper and usually managed to handle it, but once our oldest child reached about 3 or 4, he really started blaming any problems on the fact that we had a kid. He would scream and threaten her with a belt. To the point that I would block him out of kid's room so he couldn't "punish". I don't think what he had in mind was punishment so much as taking his anger out. Now to be CLEAR, he has never beat any of our kids. I have made absolutely sure of that. But he has been known to throw things and slam things and do everything else. He wanted to scare and he did. He would go through crazy episodes of extream anger and I would tell our kid to go to their room as soon as he got home so I could judge his mood first. And other days, he was the sweetest, most attentive man and father. Things did come to a point where I realised this was not a life I wanted for us and when he was gone on a business trip, I packed us up to leave. I called to say goodbye and he begged me to stay, that he would work on things and get a handle on his issues. 

After that, things got better. He realized I was not going to put our children in danger or let them grow up afraid to breathe too loud in their own home. 

He really spent time working on our relationship and we have worked together to improve his mood swings. That lasted for about a few years until last year, he started to do the same things, snapping at everyone. Going from one extream mood to the other. But we worked with a doctor and along with some other health issues he had, the doc put him on an anti-anxiety med. This changed our lives. Within a month, he was like a different man. 

He could handle stress, he wasn't screaming at strangers on the road, or coming home and growling at the kids. Our oldest has finally gotten to where she isn't afraid to talk around him. The youngest is happy to cuddle up with him. It was a long hard road and I really thought things were getting better, that our lives were really going to calm down and we could be happy and move forward with our lives. Everything was improving, his moods, his health, his relationship with his kids, our relationship. I really thought things were going to be okay. I am clearly a fool.

Lastly, an update on my situation:
I still haven't spoken to my family about this. I don't know when I'll be ready to.
I did reach out to a friend that I know went through a similar situation a few years ago and is now doing great. Talking with her really helped. She gave me the number of a good lawyer and insisted I call him immediately. She reaffirmed many of the things people here have suggested. She explained how I need to start preparing to protect myself and my kids financially and physically. I did speak with the lawyer and have an appointment for next week. We'll see how it goes. 

I'm not able to avoid being around him right now since we have to share a car and that is my biggest concern. He will be coming home tomorrow so I can take our oldest to scouts. I wonder if he'll want to stay or if he'll be apologetic now. I wonder if I'll feel like he's being sincere, or if he'll be as cold as he was before he left. I'm going to try and get him to let me have the car for the weekend. Surely he can get a ride to wherever he wants from her. If she'll share her bed, surely she can share her car.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You should HOPE he is cold, because what you are going through is NOT normal and his indifference should infuriate you enough to get out of it. He certainly sounds Narcissistic... Has narcissistic rages, etc. These people are AWFUL people to be married to and raise a stable family with. 

I know you love him.... BUT you cannot stay with him and ensure that you will raise happy and healthy mentally offspring. nOT NOW... 

He may eventually beg you and say he will do better, but he cant really do that with you there, he will grow lazy and complacent because at the root Narcissists dont WANT TO CHANGE unless they have no choice put to. 

Do NOT try to reconcile until you really believe he has changed significantly. (working on it is not enough). 

I really think you need to divorce him, and MAYBE remarry him a while off in the future... I think that should be the extent of your hope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*You said that you put up with him bringing women home to your house because you feared his anger. So I left the domestic violence stuff in this exit plan.*


There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PaperTiger said:


> I don't know how not to take care of the people I love. I will bend over backward if I can to help a friend and I have walked through fire and over eggshells to make this marriage work. I don't know how to do anything but give everything I have. I've picked up my phone a thousand times today to ask him if he's okay, or did I forget to pack something, or does he need something. I almost asked him to come home and have dinner with the kids. But every time, I managed to put the phone down and leave him alone. It must be easy for him to let me go, but for me, it's a huge struggle.


Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. That’s how you need to interact with him from now on. You need to protect yourself.

By the way, it’s amazing that you just packed his bag and told him to leave. That took a lot of strength. Good for you.

From here on out, do not do anything for him. Take his clothing and put it in bags and put it on the front porch. He can come pick it all up.



PaperTiger said:


> I'm trying to put some money back. Thankfully, I manage all the bills, so though there isn't a lot left over, I may be able to hold back a little if we cut down some things.


Open an account in your name only and start moving money into it. Is your name on the account where he puts his paycheck?


PaperTiger said:


> And there will be no more sex with him. I'm so disgusted and angry that he would be that irresponsible to sleep with her unprotected.


Good


PaperTiger said:


> My family is very religious. Christian. My father a pastor. I'm terrified a divorce could hurt his reputation with his church. My parents are the kind of genuinely good people that every Christian should be, and I don't want to hurt them or cause them trouble in their lives. I know they would tell me to come home.


If your family is a Christian and good as you say, they will understand that there is no way you can stay married to a man who is cheating like this. Seriously, do you think your father would tell you to stay married to a man who will most likely give you STDs at some point?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Sorry but your husband is a POS. If you want to keep pretending he isn't that's up to you. The more you kowtow to him the more he will hurt you.....because you let him. Maybe he'll act nice for a sort time but that's just an act. He doesn't love you. No husband that loves his wife says the things, and does the things that your husband has. This hisn't your fault AT ALL, and you should stop blaming yourself and stand up to him. Talk to your family and tell them what a POS he is. If they are good people they will support you. You should be angry and you should let him know you arn't going to stand for him treating you like this. There are FAR better guys out there than him. Get a divorce and find someone who will treat you will respect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@PaperTiger

The way you describe your husband's anger is very disturbing... even if he has never actually hit any of you he is using a form of Domestic Violent to control you.

Doing things like threatening your child with a belt, throwing things, breaking things, etc. Those are all a form of violence. When he breaks things and throw things, the message is that this time it's an object, next time it just might be you.

He has been controlling your via treats of violence. After all, would you put up with him bringing women to your home if you were not afraid of him?

You need to be careful now because he has clearly lost control of you. The purpose of any kind of abuse is control. He has been able to control you for a very long time without actually physically hurting you. But now he's lost control. You kicked him out and intend to file for divorce.

Be ready when he comes over. He might try to re-enforce his control using a display of anger, threats, and even physical violence. I cannot stress how much you need to be ready for this.

Have your cell phone with you and dial 911 if he starts. If you can get your children, go to a room in the house and lock yourselves in and call 911. He will be arrested and you can ask for a restraining order.

Call the domestic violence hotline I gave you in another post and find DV organization near you. Many of them will give you free counseling, some have lists of attorneys who will work for free for a victim of DV. Some of the ones I know of will even send a car to pick you up for counseling appointments.

Once you see the lawyer and file for divorce, you can have your attorney request interim child support and spousal support. You will get child support after the divorce is final. And you can ask for alimony... at the very least rehabilitative alimony. This will help to cover you while you get some training or education so you can support yourself and your children.

I know you don't want to make your husband pay for things like child support and alimony, but he knew the score and mistreated you horribly. He owes it to you. For the sake of your children you need to be able to get a good job and you will need either vocational training or college to do that.

Also you will get at least 50% of all assets that the two of you have.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@PaperTiger if I am wrong, I apologise, but is the situation that your husband wants _you_ to hurt _him_ when you are having sex?

And that this is something you are not comfortable with, because you do not want to hurt the man you love?

He is trying to turn you into something that would, if he succeeded, be damaging to your psyche, your soul, who you are.

Please don't let him do that.

I knew a religious couple just like that. He wanted her to hurt him and eventually she put a stop to it.

He began having the kind of sexual relationship that he wanted with another woman.

His wife threw him out.

She was one of the prettiest women I have even known. The other woman was a hatchet faced person who looked like she'd punch your lights out if you even breathed funny in her presence. 

They divorced, she met a lovely chap and remarried and I have no idea what happened to her ex.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Your husband is just a class A jerk. Get him out of your life. It doesn't matter what damage you think this might do to your father's reputation--I'm sure he'd prefer that his daughter be in a healthy, happy relationship with a decent man.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Get out now and do not look back.

I can almost promise you that if you called your parents and told them everything- the affairs, feeling coerced into an open marriage, the anger, your child being afraid of him- they will do ALL that they can to get you out of there and fast!

My parents are similar. They are each other's first and only marriage of 37 years. I was so saddened to tell them of my failures, but they welcomed me with open arms. That is how a Christian is supposed to respond to their loved one in a crisis. I had been married and a stay at home mom for a decade. I had no work experience, no income to depend on when my husband left. My parents don't have much but they drained their savings for me to have a good lawyer to make sure I was not left high and dry. 

Please do not give this abusive man another chance to further destroy you or your children.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

What has happened to you really sucks. But what sucks worse is that you allow him to treat you like crap. Seriously, make an appointment with a good Divorce Lawyer, change the locks on the house, and take him for ailomony and child support. Do this quick and sudden without warning. He is a horrible human being that deserves a few realities as consequences for his actions.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

If it was me, I'd file for divorce and drag him through the coals for the legal system. Adultery is wrong on so many levels. Why did he get married? I know my ex-wife asked for it, and it was the last nil in the coffin for me. I filed for divorce that week. I hear now she regrets her actions. F*ck her. Sorry, this topic hit a nerve.


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## PaperTiger (Mar 19, 2013)

So an update: 

My husband had to come home this evening so I could use the car tonight. We talked more after the kids were in bed. He wants to live here and just stay in another room. He brought his laundry and asked me to sew up a patch in his clothes. But he says that he is not sorry for what he is doing and he has no intention of changing. He will not go to counceling or anything.

I told him he couldn't stay. Not even 1 night. It was easier this time than the first time. He packed a bunch of stuff this time and left. 

We decided to tell our kids together tomorrow. He wants to tell them that it's temporary, I want to tell them that it's not. They don't need lies on top of everything else.

I still can't call my family, but a good friend is setting me up with a support group for women in my situation. I feel weird about going to something like that, but she said it really helped her when she was going through the same thing. Maybe it will help.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

PaperTiger said:


> So an update:
> 
> My husband had to come home this evening so I could use the car tonight. We talked more after the kids were in bed. He wants to live here and just stay in another room. He brought his laundry and asked me to sew up a patch in his clothes. But he says that he is not sorry for what he is doing and he has no intention of changing. He will not go to counceling or anything.
> 
> ...


Well done. Geez, talk about nerve. People that don't want counseling are sure the counselor is going to call them on their abusive behavior. 

I am emphatically in agreement with *Elegirl* above on 50% of marital assets, child support, and alimony. I do not understand men who complain about it. The wife is entitled to it, that's the deal in marriage. It's just. Even when you make a mistake and marry the wrong person, that's the way it is. If you can't handle that then don't get married. 

Do the best for yourself that the law permits.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

PaperTiger said:


> So an update:
> 
> My husband had to come home this evening so I could use the car tonight. We talked more after the kids were in bed. He wants to live here and just stay in another room. He brought his laundry and asked me to sew up a patch in his clothes. But he says that he is not sorry for what he is doing and he has no intention of changing. He will not go to counceling or anything.
> 
> ...


OP, I congratulate you for the strength that you have. You made it clear to him that you are not taking his bs. It's good to hear that you have a good friend who is helping you. You are on your way to dealing with your husband. I agree with you that you should not lie to your children. This man has no honor whatsoever. Let him go with his trashy friends. He has no respect for you.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

I think it’s very respectable that you do not want to give up on your marriage. However it seems that your Husband has ZERO remorse and he intends to continue to hurt you and disrespect you. That is NOT how marriage is supposed to work. I hope you continue to stand your ground and demand he either fully commits himself to reconciliation and stop his actions OR marriage is over.i know the ladies support orginization will offer some support but I think it’s important you let your family know what is going on. They are going to be your biggest source of support. I understand the Christian background and the stigma about divorce but you have been cheated on. That is a very justifiable reason for divorce even in the strictest circles. And no matter how your husband might make you feel, this is HIS fault, not yours. And I imagine your Father would put you and your children’s well being well ahead of his reputation in the church. If one of your children were hurting would you let ANYTHING stop you from being there for them?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I wish you well.

Your husband is too far gone, sadly. It is a hunger that can consume a person. Perhaps especially if they have little will to help the people in their lives help them.

You can’t do it all yourself. And you can only do what you find possible to do.

I suspect your husband doesn’t have the right stuff to be able to handle his illness with anything approaching dignity.

Be well


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I feel I should mention once you turned down his requests regarding kinky sex he should have amicably divorced you. But given his probable syndrome he would not have been able to bring himself to do that.

All he could do is get more and more out of control. The fact he “went crazy” was essentially inevitable. But he certainly should never have threatened the children. That was unconscionable. That is a horrible black hole in him.

I believe what he was seeking was for you to strike him down with all the wrath you could possibly muster. 

Again, know you can’t do anything for him.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

OMG he threatened his 3 year old daughter with a belt? And you had to protect her? But he has never beaten her? That's one of the worst things I've ever read on TAM. Bad enough that a man would threaten a woman with his belt, but his 3 year old daughter?

You are completely under his control. You are probably co-dependent on him which is different from love. And you have children with him. I understand. But it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You are a self-declared people pleaser and that's who these abusers/bullies always entrap. 

Amazing that you packed his suitcase. WELL DONE! It's so much better than making him breakfast after picking him up at OW's house having watched him come out of her bedroom. Ouch! 

In my opinion, you need to move back home. It's great that you homeschool the kids because they won't have the upset of changing schools. He can visit the children when he wants, though I wouldn't allow him be alone with them. You said they've barely noticed he's gone because he's almost never there because he's at work & of course then tending to his sexual needs. So he probably won't visit often anyway. Members of your family can step in as father figures. Tell your family what he did to your 3 year old. Tell them your life is in danger from STDs if you sleep with him again because he sleeps around without protection. I'm quite sure on no account would they want their daughter living with an abuser like him. 

Also you have tried everything so don't beat yourself up about divorcing. I think no matter what you did, you couldn't please this man. He's a narcissist. Only his needs matter & this is all your fault. He'll have to pay child support. Get a good lawyer. With that and the support of your family, you and your kids will have a much better life.


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## FancyPants (Apr 12, 2018)

It's good you are taking the first steps towards moving on. If you stay, you will be teaching your children that it's okay for men to treat women like garbage. If you need strength, you can find it in knowing you are making choices that are best for them. 

It's also good that you are starting to have your eyes opened about his actions. One thing to be aware of though is that it sounds like he comes to you for care, affection and adoration- not sex, but those. His ow might just find him a lot less appealing when he comes to her looking for those. Those aren't fun. When he loses that and she isn't interested in being his cheer squad and crying towel, there is a good chance he'll try and come slinking back to you with love bombing tactics. Don't let him. They won't be real.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

PaperTiger said:


> My husband of 11 years has been cheating on me for a long time. I confirmed it for myself yesterday. He says I should have known.
> 
> He was out all Saturday night at a birthday party with friends. I picked him up Sunday morning after church. I messaged him that I was on my way and he let me know their garage door was open and his phone was almost dead. I assumed that was an invitation to come in and get him (I've been to this house many times). I go in, but no one is there, I go through the house to find his friend's daughter watching cartoons and ask where he is. "He's still asleep with mommy."
> 
> ...


This is why he thinks he can do what he wants
[/COLOR

Stop this way of thinking now

Tell your family now you and your children need thier support

Be strong young lady you H is a POS

55


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

PaperTiger said:


> He wants an open marriage. I'm not opposed to us sharing sex with others, but we agreed many years ago that any opportunities would be discussed and agreed on/ or not by both of us. Over time, though, it turned into him bringing home women and I was supposed to be okay with it. He's a natural flirt and very charming, and they follow him home like puppies. They never had any regard for me and I ended up feeling like I had to do it or risk his temper.
> 
> There have been times over the years where things have not been good sexually between us, and we've put a lot of work into improving things. I went to therapy and got my head on straight and things improved.
> 
> He is into bondage and likes things particularly rough. I've tried so many times to do the things he asks, but my ideas aren't enough. There's always something else I should be trying or he says I've dismissed all his ideas. But I do try. I hate to hurt him, but I try to do what he wants. He says I don't listen, but he expects me to already know what I'm doing. He says it's just easier if someone else does it so I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered by his needs, but I'm just not the kind of mean he wants in bed.


You two are not sexually compatable seek sex therapy

Get help or get out

55


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

PaperTiger said:


> *He wants to live here and just stay in another room. He brought his laundry and asked me to sew up a patch in his clothes. But he says that he is not sorry for what he is doing and he has no intention of changing. He will not go to counceling or anything.*


So OW ain't too keen on taking him in? Awww poor man. 
And he asked you sew a patch in his clothes? OW can do that. :rofl: 

Total kudos *TIGER* :grin2: for telling him he couldn't stay for even 1 night. 

You took the 1st step, posting on TAM. 
Then you took the 2nd step, a HUGE one & kicked him out. 
The 3rd step is don't look back. These types return all remorseful when they run out of options. 
The rest will fall into place & you & the kids won't have to live on a knife's edge at his mercy.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Maybe I missed it, but did you get to keep the car? Kudos to you for being so strong!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@PaperTiger How are you and the children?


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

So the oldest child is finally 'not afraid to talk' while her dad is around. That is seriously ****ed up.

I grew up in a house filled with tension and fear because of my narcissist father (who never hit us - yelling and breaking, slamming and stomping can be just as terrifying). I spent most of it desperately wishing my mother would leave him or better yet, that he would die.

Get this man away from your children.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

PaperTiger said:


> I will try. In my head, I keep trying to think of ways to fix this. In sickness and health, rich or poor, till death. I wasn't kidding. And I love him. For all the pain I feel right now, and all my fears about what to do, I don't want him hurt. I don't want to force him to take care of me. Apparently, I've been doing that for years. I just don't want to be used. I don't want to be the poor wife who sits at home while her husband unashamedly sleeps with someone else. He told me all his friends have known all along. He told them I didn't care as long as I didn't have to know about it. Who believes that?!
> 
> *I keep trying to tell myself it can be fixed, even though I don't know how.* And once I tell someone, it really will be over. If I tell my parents, they'll insist I come home. I don't know how to tell the kids. I don't want them to hate their dad. We've worked so hard for them not to be afraid of him, I don't want to ruin all the progress we've made.
> 
> I'm so angry! How could he do this?! And why am I the one trying to figure out how our lives will work out while he is at her house sleeping in her bed?!


The usual fix for this kind of cheating is castration, at least that's what my wife tells me.


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## mr_jeff (Apr 16, 2018)

This will likely sound strange to most but my hunch is that the root of your problem may be that you are a follower of Christ and he is not. From a Biblical standpoint you have a choice to try to make a real marriage or move on. Sadly I think you know which is the right path if he does not have a major change of heart REAL FAST. I would would say seek counsel from your church before you make final decision. I wish you well and I know this must be unbelievably tough. thx jeff


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## Lasvegas (Feb 20, 2018)

I hope he did not get any reason from you to cheat on you. If you do not take care of your spouse then someone else will.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Lasvegas said:


> I hope he did not get any reason from you to cheat on you. If you do not take care of your spouse then someone else will.



(expletive)... this is a fundamental fallacy. Only selfish, and ignorant fools think this way. It is not about if you didnt have sex with him...its about communication and transperancy. If you think you have the right to have sex on the side why hide it? IF YOU THINK YOU ARE SO RIGHT, WHY HIDE! 


God....people like you (I hate)


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