# what to do when you cant stand your husband anymore?



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

I really need advice. I am constantly thinking about divorce. I cannot stand my husband. He is too intense, bossy and plain crazy. All he ever wants to do is work. He has now started obsessing about buying a luxury vehicle even though I said no. He basically is planning to buy it anyway. Its like hes having a midlife crisis. We also work together and he just doesnt care about anything other than his own personal wants and desires. I am embarrassed because we dont do anything other than work 95% time and people are always telling me its just too much and we need a break but he refuses to listen. He is just adamant about getting to where he wants to be in life and is working me to death to get there. 

I hate to complain about working all the time but i have no connection with him. I hate to hear his voice and have no desires to be with him at all. I really would love to just disappear and leave him flat on his ass to fend for himself.

Aside from always demanding we work, hes arrogant, insensitive and plain mean. He has told me if we were to break up he'd never get married again because he feels women are crazy. Well i think hes crazy and i cant imagine many women who would want my life. Theres no point in buying or having nice things if you have no where to wear it to. I just dont know how to stick by this man i have come to seriously dislike.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

There's the folks who are having issues in their marriage who want to work them out, and there are folks who have already checked out of the relationship and just haven't told their partner.

Sounds like you fall into camp 2, unless you're just really spun up today over something specific and need a couple of shots.

If you really meant what you said, than the person who needs to hear it isn't on this forum. He's in your house, pouring over that Lexus catalog in the den.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I hate to hear his voice and have no desires to be with him at all. I really would love to just disappear and leave him flat on his ass to fend for himself.
> 
> he feels women are crazy.
> 
> I just dont know how to stick by this man i have come to seriously dislike.


You don't. Stay, I mean. I'm assuming you two have been married longer than 10 years. If so, you have what is legally considered as a marriage of longevity. That means you usually get half, although it varies in equity states vs. community property states.

Find out how and when you can leave. Life is short. You do not stick it out with someone whose voice makes you sick. Contact a good family law attorney for an initial consultation. Separate assets and liabilities, where possible. At least have your ducks in a row.

I don't tell anyone to get divorced, as a rule, but separation sounds like it's really needed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The car... is the money there for a car but you just do not want it?

What's keeping you from leaving?


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

EleGirl, thats a hard question to answer. If you look at society, many people who drive luxury vehicles should not. I say this because they may live in an apartment or just not be financially secure and live check to check. I wouldnt go broke if i bought a luxury vehicle, but why would i want to drive around looking like i have money i do not. We dont live paycheck to paycheck but we are not rich. We live comfortably and are considered middle class.

I dont believe in buying expensive things because someone wants to show off. I believe that rich people should drive luxury vehicles not middle class workers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> EleGirl, thats a hard question to answer. If you look at society, many people who drive luxury vehicles should not. I say this because they may live in an apartment or just not be financially secure and live check to check. I wouldnt go broke if i bought a luxury vehicle, but why would i want to drive around looking like i have money i do not. We dont live paycheck to paycheck but we are not rich. We live comfortably and are considered middle class.
> 
> I dont believe in buying expensive things because someone wants to show off. I believe that rich people should drive luxury vehicles not middle class workers.


In the case of the car, there is no right or wrong here. The two of you have different points of view. That's all it is. The two of you should come to an agreement on this .. that's how marriage is supposed to work.

For the rest of it.. why are you still there? What keeps you from leaving.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

The complication of working together is the big problem. If it were not for that i would be gone a long time ago. i cant just leave because i would be risking my financial stability and credit. Also, some part of me doesnt want to be sen as "that girl" you know the kind who marries young and divorced before 40. I know i could find another man pretty easily, its just the thought of dealing with another problem man is enough to make me want to consider leaving this country.

But I really cant stand this guy. He is angry all the time and wants everything in life we do to be his way or the highway. Its as if i am in a relationship with a 10 year old bratty child.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A working class hero is soemthing to be.

From the little that is posted here it sounds like there is a gap in what you both value in life.

How long have you been married? Kids?

Was your husband brought up in a middle class family? Was he brought up to have a fierce work ethic? Does he gain his self respect for the owrk he does? Does he define himself by this?

What are his goals in life?

What are yours?

Have you both done His Needs Her Needs?

I have a sense there is more to this than what you are saying?

I spent my life working my butt off to provide for my family. I can think back and say I wish I had more balance but I wonder how we would have made it ... Idunno. But I wish I could give a better shot at balance.

Why did you guys get married? 

Do you have a different set of friends from your husband? Trying to find out how much of your life you share with one another.

Do you guiys go on dates? Vacations?

Mercedez Benz

If my wife wanted a kuxury car she could have one. I pick out my own cars. I really like cars. I have spent some serious money on them.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Well... To me, it really sounds like you need to sit down & have a heart to heart talk with the guy.

Tell him how unhappy you are about things. Tell him how unhappy you are as a couple not going out anywhere together.... And tell him that you have reached to point that you can no longer work with/for him. You want to start looking for another full time job.. but you don't want to spring it on him... etc...etc.
Let him know that when you do find a full time job with benefits, that you will be wanting to take it. 

That alone (a new job), may put a whole new perspective on your life... and, with you not being next to him 24/7... maybe he will want to take time to be with you while not at work, and maybe take you out places.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

We have been married almost 10 years now. No kids thank goodness. We were both brought up in 2 parent, middle class families. I think he was denied a lot of luxuries in growing up. I never had a want for luxuries. I am not sure if he gains respect or defines himself by these things but maybe so. 

His goals that he has expressed to me, are to work to a point where he has enough investments to work less. The problem is its not just him whos working its both of us. Due to the nature of our work, we are both required to work hard. Its not a situation where I can rest. If he wants to work, we both have to. Therein lies the issue. I essentially am busting my butt for his dreams not mine.

I just want to be happy and live life, work and just enjoy life. There is no enjoying going on with someone like him. It is just work work work work work work work. I dont know any woman that can be so one dimensional. Theres so much more to life than working. While I understand the importance of work, for us, we are slaves to it and it defeats the purpose.

What is His Needs Her Needs? I dont think he cares about my needs. He needs me to be on his needs page. Thats how he acts.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Chelle,
I have pondered that. But to be totally honest, if i got a job and met someone on the job, I would be really open to an affair. I am desperate for positive, loving attention from a man. I long to feel that way, you know when you first meet someone and you are dating and each day you dont know what will come?

I havent quite figured out how to leave our current job because it would affect me if i didnt work with him. I dont trust him managing our money because he is a big spender as you can see.

I have talked to him about us not working together and he said unfortunately thats not possible. If we dont work together, we will go broke because he will not know how much he is spending versus earning. We run a company together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> We have been married almost 10 years now. No kids thank goodness. We were both brought up in 2 parent, middle class families. I think he was denied a lot of luxuries in growing up. I never had a want for luxuries. I am not sure if he gains respect or defines himself by these things but maybe so.
> 
> His goals that he has expressed to me, are to work to a point where he has enough investments to work less. The problem is its not just him whos working its both of us. Due to the nature of our work, we are both required to work hard. Its not a situation where I can rest. If he wants to work, we both have to. Therein lies the issue. I essentially am busting my butt for his dreams not mine.
> 
> ...


"His Needs, Her Needs" is a very good book. See the link below.

So why do you stay? You have not answered that yet.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You say that if he works, then you have to work. Maybe something in the food industry??? 

Otherwise, I can't imagine what type of job that would be. 

1) What does he do if you are sick?
2) If you died tomorrow... then he would not be able to make a living at all?? HE would not be able to work & support himself?

IMO there is no job that someone is irreplaceable. Now, I could see that maybe he needs another person helping to run say, a restaurant... Run...some kind of service based industry... but, Then, Are you getting your own paycheck?? OR are you basically working for free?

Ie "If he wants to work, then you have to work too". Because he is too cheap to pay for labor for someone to do what you are doing??


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

I dont really have anyone other than him. I have a few friends that I seldomly see. We spend every day together. Not necessarily all day but we speak several times a day and are generally around each other in the morning and evenings with numerous calls in between.

Once in a while we go out to dinner if theres no cooked food and we are late from work. I would say maybe 1x/mnth dinner is possible at a restaurant. I am not sure it is a date all the time though. Most of the time I have forced it because it is too late to cook and I am starving type situation.

If one spouse wants a 50k car and the other doesnt, what is the compromise exactly? Someone will win and someone will lose. Problem is i feel like i am always losing so i am adamant about this. Plus i dont want to be caught dead getting out of a 50k car. it seems too Donald Trumpish to me. I cant do it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless you're prepared to try MC with your H, it doesn't sound as though there's much hope for your marriage, OP. I'd either consider MC or cut my losses, because there's no way I could live with someone I neither liked or respected.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay... 

I just read your other post. So , He does make money, but does not have a business budget. Doesn't watch the expeditures vs the income. 

Well... it's time to let him grow up & learn how to balance a checkbook. What if you two had kids together & you had to take care of the kids. Would he just let the bills pile up until you got to them? 
If he respects you enough to let you balance the books for the business, then he needs to respect you enough to take your word for it that it is not time for a luxury vehicle yet.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> "His Needs, Her Needs" is a very good book. See the link below.
> 
> So why do you stay? You have not answered that yet.


I stay because staying is less complicated. Yes I could leave or not work with him but it affects my financial stability. If I leave, I would have to leave everything. He has already told me if I leave him, he will ruin me and it wont be pretty. 

I have no real support so I would be on my own with no one and fighting for what I worked for. Thats a lot of stress, I think more stressful than staying. So in a nutshell I am staying because it is the easier, smarter decision to have a semi decent life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sharonND said:


> We have been married almost 10 years now. No kids thank goodness. We were both brought up in 2 parent, middle class families. I think he was denied a lot of luxuries in growing up. I never had a want for luxuries. I am not sure if he gains respect or defines himself by these things but maybe so.
> 
> Ok, this makes a little more sense then. Many of us men especially define ourselves by what we do. Right or wrong. But if he was denied some of these things it makese sense he wants to earn them. It also makes sense that you don't care as much.
> 
> ...


Anyway, I glanced at some of your other threads. It is unclear to me why you married him but you did. I would try the communication thing but definitely get a different job. That is a big start.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

We work 7 days a week from aprox 9am to approx 7pm. We have done MC a lot with no success. If any of you met my hubby you would think he was perfect and nice and I was tough. Truth is he is tougher than me but a better actor. I am type A like him so i am very good at running business. He realizes it and uses it for his financial gain. He sees in me what he cannot easily find in another person.

I dont know why i married him. I was young and dumb I guess. Working hard is a great quality. Actually I love it, but i think if he worked hard but was patient and loving, I would feel differently. He challenges me about 20x day on every decision that needs to be made business wise. He is in control of where we live, what we eat, when we go out, who we go out with, where we go and why we go. I feel like i am in jail.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

If a man wants to work hard and be the boss, then he needs to be able to run business by himself. He cant need me to help him yet be bossy and mean at the same time. That is the problem. He is rude, arrogant, bossy, nasty yet wants everything his way. He says women are crazy and everyday makes jokes about women being bipolar or unstable, but he should look in the mirror. His famous quote is "dont believe anything a woman says"

Yes I am serious.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

sharonND said:


> If a man wants to work hard and be the boss, then he needs to be able to run business by himself. He cant need me to help him yet be bossy and mean at the same time. That is the problem. He is rude, arrogant, bossy, nasty yet wants everything his way. He says women are crazy and everyday makes jokes about women being bipolar or unstable, but he should look in the mirror. His famous quote is "dont believe anything a woman says"
> 
> Yes I am serious.


*Bingo*.. You've hit the nail on the head. 

"He needs to be able to run the business by himself."

If women are so crazy & unstable & he can't work with them... well, sounds like he will be hiring a young man to take your place when you finally get the guts to leave this jerk. (If you ever see the worth in yourself.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I stay because staying is less complicated. Yes I could leave or not work with him but it affects my financial stability. If I leave, I would have to leave everything. He has already told me if I leave him, he will ruin me and it wont be pretty.
> 
> I have no real support so I would be on my own with no one and fighting for what I worked for. Thats a lot of stress, I think more stressful than staying. So in a nutshell I am staying because it is the easier, smarter decision to have a semi decent life.


Why would you have to leave everything?

How would he ruin you?

Do the two of you have joint accounts or separate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> If one spouse wants a 50k car and the other doesnt, what is the compromise exactly? Someone will win and someone will lose. Problem is i feel like i am always losing so i am adamant about this. Plus i dont want to be caught dead getting out of a 50k car. it seems too Donald Trumpish to me. I cant do it.


Is he buying the car cash or on a loan?

Will the two of you only have one car? Or do you get to use an older one and he gets a fancier new one?

One way to do it is to say that he can buy his 50K car and you get to put 50K in an account in your own name.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

sharonND said:


> *We also work together* and he just doesnt care about anything other than his own personal wants and desires.


Bad, bad mistake, working together is never a good idea, no escape from each other, no looking forward to seeing the spouse at the end of the day, just two people around each other 24/7... not good.

Any chance you can stop working together?

T


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## lifesabeach (Feb 25, 2012)

sharonND said:


> If one spouse wants a 50k car and the other doesnt, what is the compromise exactly? Someone will win and someone will lose. Problem is i feel like i am always losing so i am adamant about this. Plus i dont want to be caught dead getting out of a 50k car. it seems too Donald Trumpish to me. I cant do it.


How much is to much for a car in your opinion? 30k? If you think 30k and he wants to spend 50k the compromise would be 40K.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Well he's not going to change & you find it more comfortable to stay so maybe change the way you look at things? Baby steps to become happier with your situation.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

sharonND said:


> If a man wants to work hard and be the boss, then he needs to be able to run business by himself. He cant need me to help him yet be bossy and mean at the same time. That is the problem. He is rude, arrogant, bossy, nasty yet wants everything his way. He says women are crazy and everyday makes jokes about women being bipolar or unstable, but he should look in the mirror. His famous quote is "dont believe anything a woman says"
> 
> Yes I am serious.


If you want the situation to change, you have to change how YOU do things. What you've written here is a clue to how you can approach this problem. He's not describing "women" but IS describing his own behaviors. Since he wants to say it's women who are like this, though, use that to your advantage. Become the unstable, unreliable woman he expects you to be for a while. 

When he gripes about it, let your inner girl laugh quietly as you calmly say, "Oops. I'm a woman. What did you expect?" This will force him to start taking on the things he needs to learn to do in order to remain viable as a business, and it can force him to rethink his spending habits, too. 

Obviously, that means your own financial security suffers a bit, too, but not as much as it will if you just up and leave. I'd start setting aside little by little for yourself as you do this, so that when the time comes, you'll be able to set off on your own without suffering as much financial harm. You still have your business acumen and skills whether you stay in THIS business, start another one, or find employment with a company. 

You might be able to pre-empt his car purchase by using that company money to rent an apartment near the office or something that can help you with your exit plan and get your point across to him that you are one half of the business. 

What a lot of people don't understand about power is that the amount of power someone has comes ENTIRELY from what power others GIVE them. If his nasty temper have power over you, it's because you let it. If you don't want it to, then it's up to YOU to change it by NOT giving it power.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> *I stay because staying is less complicated.* Yes I could leave or not work with him but it affects my financial stability. *If I leave, I would have to leave everything. He has already told me if I leave him, he will ruin me and it wont be pretty.*


WOW! THAT says it all! [and sounds remarkably like my STBXH]

1. Do a little sleuthing and find a DIVORCE attorney who is a shark. Might have to travel to the next city, I don't know...depends on where you live. GET A SHARK, not just ANY divorce attorney.

2. Pay for an initial consultation. Here in the Detroit area, it runs about $85.00. You can spell out YOUR problem in DETAIL. Including your fears that you will be financially ruined (you are entitled to a FAIR share of the business). I don't suggest you get a shark so you can cut your H off at the knees, but because YOU NEED someone who will PROTECT YOU and see to it that YOU GET everything you're entitled to....NO MORE, NO LESS!

Here in metro Detroit there is a law office that specializes in ONLY representing women. They offer free seminars once a week. The individual consult (if you choose to do so) is $85.00. The attorney that presented OUR lecture the week I went, said sometimes he advises women to wait (if they CAN) in order to optimize their financial advantage (if the co. is going to get a big client, or the H is due for an end-of-year bonus, or a promotion, etc.). My point here is that there are EXPERTS who can help PROTECT you from the threats of FINANCIAL RUIN your H is making (just like there are experts [cops] in protecting women from threats of PHYSICAL harm).

Stop feeling victimized, Sharon, and start thinking smart! YES, you're in a tough place, BUT....you're smart (even your H knows it), you're determined (you've stuck it out for years), you're strong (you KNOW what you want and you WILL find a way.)

Just speaking to a professional will make you FEEL better; you will SEE that there is a WAY out of this mess you're in WITHOUT having to fall victim to your H's threatened 'scorched earth' policy (napalming your life because you have the AUDACITY to want to leave HIM and screw up HIS life plan!)

Make an appointment, it will make you feel better (thus, maybe it falls under the guise of a 'doctor's appointment'...better mental health and all that!)

Good luck, and let us know HOW it's going. Let us know what steps you're making to acquire the kind of life that YOU want, that gives YOU peace of mind, that makes YOU excited to get up every day. There is no point in telling you to be careful NOT to get involved with another man, you already KNOW it will solve nothing and will just complicate your life until you are FREE from this marriage.

Good luck, honey!


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow, thanks for the really great posts guys. I have already decided as well that I will open up a separate bank account and speak with some divorce attorneys.

I want to ask the men a question though, do you think it is right that woman leave you after she has told you many times over the years that she is not happy with you and wants to leave and you continue acting the same way? I guess what I am trying to gauge is, we had a partial talk where he said he feels the same way I do although he didn't clarify what that means. He claims he's not "giving up" on us which made me feel that he thinks giving up is bad. But I feel like, if you have tried everything, talking, MC, attempts to change behavior, etc what else can you do but deal or split? Like, how much drama and arguing is too much? And, i originally tried to set a price limit for him and he of course said the limit i gave wasnt reasonable for the type of car he wants. He wants to spend about 10 to 15k more than the limit i sent. he also has been shopping for cars even though i said no. If i give in and let him get a car now, he will continue to not listen to anything i say.

I don't know how to change the way i look at things because when he acts bossy and mean i get upset. the only way to not react to his behavior is to not care. its impossible not to care.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You can care but choose a different way to show it.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

sharonND said:


> And, i originally tried to set a price limit for him and he of course said the limit i gave wasnt reasonable for the type of car he wants. He wants to spend about 10 to 15k more than the limit i sent. he also has been shopping for cars even though i said no. If i give in and let him get a car now, he will continue to not listen to anything i say.


I don't want to make a problem where there isn't one, but do you know why he wants this car so bad? Is it his nature to do this? Any chance he might be trying to impress someone?

T


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> You can care but choose a different way to show it.


Please elaborate. For example, I told him not to do something very specific and he did it anyway and tried to hide it from me. I know i dont have to yell or scream or act crazy, but i mean, enough is enough already. He doesnt want me being dishonest and doing whatever i want but yet once in a while hes going to do it? 

The idea of divorce and being alone is hard to swallow, but so is hitting your head against a brick wall everyday. I cannot hold all of this stuff inside forever. All things eventually break. He thinks this is just a little argument and we are back to normal but hes wrong.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Tony55 said:


> I don't want to make a problem where there isn't one, but do you know why he wants this car so bad? Is it his nature to do this? Any chance he might be trying to impress someone?
> 
> T


Yes, he is trying to impress his peers. It's stupid if you ask me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sharonND said:


> I really need advice. I am constantly thinking about divorce. I cannot stand my husband. He is too intense, bossy and plain crazy. All he ever wants to do is work. He has now started obsessing about buying a luxury vehicle even though I said no. He basically is planning to buy it anyway. Its like hes having a midlife crisis. We also work together and he just doesnt care about anything other than his own personal wants and desires. I am embarrassed because we dont do anything other than work 95% time and people are always telling me its just too much and we need a break but he refuses to listen. He is just adamant about getting to where he wants to be in life and is working me to death to get there.
> 
> I hate to complain about working all the time but i have no connection with him. I hate to hear his voice and have no desires to be with him at all. I really would love to just disappear and leave him flat on his ass to fend for himself.
> 
> Aside from always demanding we work, hes arrogant, insensitive and plain mean. He has told me if we were to break up he'd never get married again because he feels women are crazy. Well i think hes crazy and i cant imagine many women who would want my life. Theres no point in buying or having nice things if you have no where to wear it to. I just dont know how to stick by this man i have come to seriously dislike.


You know what? So many are giving advice about things to try to work this out, but if you do NOT LIKE someone, you will NEVER be in love with them! I see no reason to be around someone whom you cannot stand, who causes you pain and stress, regardless if they are spouse, parent, cousin, etc. I hope that you are able to work out a plan to get yourself out of this.


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

> I stay because staying is less complicated. Yes I could leave or not work with him but it affects my financial stability. If I leave, I would have to leave everything. He has already told me if I leave him, he will ruin me and it wont be pretty.


The last sentence sounds quite disturbing and threatening. The question you should ask yourself is does this man really need a wife ? or does he want a manager in a key position , a position only a trusted person can be given, who he can bully, threaten and be arrogant and bossy with, with the assurance in the back of his mind, that this person will never dare to leave ?


The real question is do you want to continue to be that person ?


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Once the true dislike rears its ugly head, it's hard to find the love again especially if your H is not trying to change or listen. 

In the wedding vows is should say:

Do you promise to love and cherish the person before you today for the rest of your life? IF, however, they turn into an arsehole somewhere in the future, you get a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card. 

They should have that.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

To the OP. 

Would buying an expensive car matter to you if he showed you more love and respect? 

I see this as a control issue. You don't like how he treats you which is totally reasonable given what you wrote, but at the same time you seem to think you have the ability to forbid him to do certain things like the car purhcase. My point being is that once a marriage gets to the point where one spouse thinks they have the right to forbid the other from doing stuff the marriage has long since been over. There is one certain outcome when you forbid an adult or child to do something. They will go out and do it. I would seriously reconsider your strategy. Get a new job and let him handle his business . You need to regain some balance in your life but it takes courage to do this on your own.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> To the OP.
> 
> Would buying an expensive car matter to you if he showed you more love and respect?
> 
> I see this as a control issue. You don't like how he treats you which is totally reasonable given what you wrote, but at the same time you seem to think you have the ability to forbid him to do certain things like the car purhcase. My point being is that once a marriage gets to the point where one spouse thinks they have the right to forbid the other from doing stuff the marriage has long since been over. There is one certain outcome when you forbid an adult or child to do something. They will go out and do it. I would seriously reconsider your strategy. Get a new job and let him handle his business . You need to regain some balance in your life but it takes courage to do this on your own.


When you say "you need to regain some balance..." what do you mean exactly?

In a marriage, if someone wants a 50k car, it affects both parties. What is buying the car means we wont have enough money to pay our bills? Are you saying as a spouse I should allow one partner to financially destroy the houseshold? As the saying goes, once the money goes, so does the woman. Without money there's no need to even wake up and hear his voice.

This is not just his money, it is our money. I understand the point of what you are saying but how else would you have it? We are not rich and therefore should not be buying 50k cars.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I didn't say you were wrong about the expensive car. It would piss me off as well. I buy used cars for that reason. I said your approach is doomed for failure. If you start to build your own career and income you will be ready for the next phase of your life if that ends up to be divorce. Sometimes husbands and wives should not work together and should have seperate finances. This is cleary one of those cases. If you stay and continue to butt heads with him nothing will be gained including any future stability for yourself. Unless you plan on a big divorce settlement. Basically complaining gets you nowhere but specific actions can change everything. You seem frozen on the action front.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

You are right about frozen. This whole marriage thing is so complicated for me. I have a love/hate relationship with him whereas I love it when he is nice and loving, but nice and loving is only a farce. If we have an argument, he may act nice and loving the next day for an hour or two but he always reverts back to an a%*. He is 97% jerk and 3% nice/loving.

Sometimes I wonder if I am the real problem? I mean maybe expecting a nice, loving hubby is crazy although that is what initially attracted me to him. The working together thing is very complicated and has a lot of details I dont want to go into on the forum, but yes working with spouses is a very dangerous thing. For us it is not so easy to change.

The good thing about us working together is together we are very successful. If I stop working with him, the biz wont succeed. So in essence I would trade one problem for another (working together drama replaced with failing biz). This is the truth. My husband is a very hard worker, but that is his strength-working. I am the rest. So in reality, HIM getting another job would actually be more beneficial since there are lots of workers for hire. 

I think my threats to leave him are somewhat unfair but its how I feel. I secretly wish that in efforts to keep me he will clean up his act but he wont. The bottom line is my needs are not being met. I guess his needs are not either since he cant have the car he desires. But lets say I give in and let him get the car, what do I gain in return? I'm just saying, by letting him get what he wants, he will be happy but if we both have needs that aren't being met, wont there be a new issue tomorrow?

I cant shake this feeling of not being able to tolerate this guy. Every day we get in an argument. Most of the time he gets an attitude because I am asking him biz related questions which he feels he doesnt need to answer to me. I in turn get upset because i am feeling like "here we go again with his attitude stuff." And the cycle repeats every day. (action-reaction)

He wants a life where he comes and goes as he pleases with no questions asked, buys what he wants with no resistance, makes the major financial decisions in the household with no objections and all the while I am there for the ride. BUT, the kicker is I am the heart behind the machine. He is not handling everything on his own. The best analogy is a sports team. He wants to be the owner of the team (makes major decisions and reaps benefits of teams work) yet he wants me to play on the team. And when you play for a team, its not so easy to walk away because you feel part of something. I am not that type of woman nor can I ever be.

Man, each day I want to leave yet I cannot bring myself to do it. Ugh!!!


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Well at least your honest about choosing financial success over personal happiness. Many people never admit it. I still think you're in a classic power struggle with your husband due to the work dynamic. It's been my observation that these types of arrangements never last. I audit businesses for a living so my sample size is very large. Someone eventually cheats with a new partner who lets them " be themselves". In general, if the man can't lead in the relationship he'll find someone else. If you don't like his brand of leadership then you have the option to move on. There's really no magic bullet. You can't change or control his thoughts and actions no matter how hard you try. Most men don't like to be bossed around. Some tolerate it because they lack confidence, but secretly they resent the hell out of it. Eventually these men feel very justified lying to their wives about everything because they rationalize the wife is just too controlling. Once the lies begin the marriage is long gone. 

I can tell you this. I work hard and I like European motorcycles so I bought one. I don't ask for permission, but I did let my wife know about my plans in advance. That's how men do it. I've been married for 20 years and my wife understands my needs. I like to wrench and ride. It makes me happy and she likes me that way. If her needs were that she didn't want me to buy a motorcycle I would have done it anyway and accepted the consequences. Life is too short to not pursue your dreams. Even if those dreams seem silly to others. Many of my wife's friends ask her why she "lets me" buy and ride street motorcycles. She simply says he'll do it anyway. My wife's friends are all divorced, unhappy or married to wimpy guys that aren't very interesting or capable of anything I respect.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Yes, he is trying to impress his peers. It's stupid if you ask me.


Well... Actually, that is perfectly normal for a man to want to impress his peers. But there are two problems here.

1) He is stupid enough to want to go outside of his means to try to do so.
2) He has quit trying to impress you at all. As a wife, you should still be one of his peers. (Although he probably has never viewed you as a peer.)


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## Getbusylivin (Dec 23, 2012)

You have done more than enough to make this work,, plan your business, protect yourself financially and initiate the divorce and or legal separation,, but be perfectly clear of your motives and what you want to achieve,, let it be clear this is not another attempt to change him or make the marriage work,, let him know this is you getting on with your life and without him in it ,,, Quit thinking that you owe him something,, you don't, because he owes you alot and refuses to recognize or acknowledge it,,, PM me and tell me what the business is and I will tell you right quick if you will survive without him, I am betting you will,,,


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## ChuckCanuck (Dec 15, 2012)

sharonND said:


> EleGirl, thats a hard question to answer. If you look at society, many people who drive luxury vehicles should not. I say this because they may live in an apartment or just not be financially secure and live check to check. I wouldnt go broke if i bought a luxury vehicle, but why would i want to drive around looking like i have money i do not. We dont live paycheck to paycheck but we are not rich. We live comfortably and are considered middle class.
> 
> I dont believe in buying expensive things because someone wants to show off. I believe that rich people should drive luxury vehicles not middle class workers.


Have you asked H why he wants that car? You sound a bit like my wife in that your qualifying the worthiness of (in your case) the car by your standards, not his. If it's not financially difficult for the two of you, and it's time to replace a vehicle anyways, then whats the big deal looking at a Lexus. I wouldn't exactly subscribe a Lexus - an over priced Toyota - to the realm of a "luxury" vehicle, or a vehicle of status. A Mercedes/AMG in the other hand.....


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Life is too short to not pursue your dreams. Even if those dreams seem silly to others. Many of my wife's friends ask her why she "lets me" buy and ride street motorcycles. She simply says he'll do it anyway. My wife's friends are all divorced, unhappy or married to wimpy guys that aren't very interesting or capable of anything I respect.


I think this is an essential truth of marriage, so long as you're not bankrupting the family for your motorcycle. My parents have been married for 35 years, and my mother has a similar approach to my father and his hobbies; she says, "at least he's not renovating the house!" 

She understands that he gets to have hobbies and doesn't need her permission to have them. He gives her the same respect. Needing permission from your spouse to have a hobby sounds very controlling to me.

However, I'm not sure that's the OP's case. It seems like the car fight was just the latest example of what she doesn't like about her husband. Without that mutual respect and caring in place, it's impossible to handle situations like enginerd or my parents. The problem with SharonND is that she doesn't like her husband. I don't know what to do about that.


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