# Seeking ladies input here...



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

I've posted here before but need a little _more_ help if you will. SO had EA minimum that I revealed year ago October. I still believe it very well may have been more than that. She insists only a "friend", but I won't get into that.

Since last year, SO sleeps with me in bedroom maybe 50% of the time. The rest of time she sleeps out on couch in front of TV. She says it has nothing to do with me. She says she just can't get "comfortable" and is restless and therefore falls asleep out on the couch. Last night I asked her when she remembers sleeping on the couch started. She indicated "last year when all that stuff happened." When she said this it was not in a gamey way at all, but more like -" during that awful time". 

The second thing is that prior to last year, she was very active and experimental with me sexually. That has all but vanished. We still have regular sex, but seems to me like the heart isn't in it as far as the exotic stuff goes. She was honest about it and said that she just isn't "there yet" for that type of thing.

The last thing is that before affair, she would often rub my feet, back etc. Now that rarely if ever happens. It seems like she is so tired that it doesn't cross her mind to do so. 

So in my mind, I read these as things that indicate a lot more probably did happen with OM than her insistence that he was a "friend". My question for you women then is - am I reading too much into these things as far as what they might or might not mean? 

She was actually trying to break up 20+ year relationship with me when I caught the affair. She absolutely positively insists that there was no PA- which is unbelievable to me. 

A bit more background- she has been a great partner since about April notwithstanding the physical touch part of things. She seems more sincere than ever and has been very loving and kind to me for a number of months now. She isn't really afraid to talk about what happened unless I get into specifics about her and OM and then gets defensive- she doesn't even admit it was an EA and says she is tired of talking about it.

I am looking at it from a "whole picture" point of view- if she wants to be with me so bad, why none of the physical things that I like? I don't get it- that is why I am posting here.

Anyway, input on whether I am reading too much into this is appreciated.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Right now she is not physically attracted to you. She may still be in love with OM. Are you sure the affair has ended?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Right now she is not physically attracted to you. She may still be in love with OM. Are you sure the affair has ended?



I really don't believe she is still seeing anyone. There are no signs. I think your comment about her not being physically attracted may be right though. Thing is, I am very fit, good looking etc. so I always assumed she was attracted, but honestly you may be right about this. 

Should I just put cards on the table and have an honest discussion about this? If she isn't attracted anymore, I think it is time to split. If I talk her , I won't be accusing her of anything, just want to know the truth. That is all. Thank you for your input.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"unless I get into specifics about her and OM and then gets defensive- she doesn't even admit it was an EA and says she is tired of talking about it"

To me, this seems to be a very significant pasrt of the problem. She hasn't acknowledged her affair. Not only hasn't she acknowledged the affair, in my opinion she shows disdain for your marriage by sleeping on the couch half the time. Tell her if she isn't comfortable, the two of you will go shopping for a new mattress

You know she's not meeting your needs and has completely changed her behavior towards you since the affair. At a minimum, she's still in the fog and pining for her OM.

Did you guys do any counseling?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Bodhitree said:


> I really don't believe she is still seeing anyone. There are no signs. I think your comment about her not being physically attracted may be right though. Thing is, I am very fit, good looking etc. so I always assumed she was attracted, but honestly you may be right about this.
> 
> Should I just put cards on the table and have an honest discussion about this? If she isn't attracted anymore, I think it is time to split. If I talk her , I won't be accusing her of anything, just want to know the truth. That is all. Thank you for your input.


You can try to have an "honest" discussion with her, but I don't think she's going to be honest about everything. Hell, she doesn't want to talk details about her affair which for many people is a minimum requirement for R.

I still think she is in her affair or thinking about OM. Maybe you can get it all out in counseling.

Read the CWI forum on this site for ways to discover if she is still having an affair.

Her actions point to it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> she doesn't even admit it was an EA and says she is tired of talking about it.


Yeah, you still have this between you. The affair is not yet dealt with. You guys no longer have the intimacy you once had.

Indeed it is possible this affair was more than you know. But it does not have to be. 

How did the affair end? She seems to resent you. But if she is not owning the affair then this is huge deal. I want to say root of the problem BUT, it is unclear why she is unwilling to be accountable. 

Affairs change marriages. In fact often it is about created a new marriage because the old one was destroyed.

Have you guys done His Needs Her Needs together? That is a great way to deal with needs and to make sure boundaries are in place. If she does not admit to the EA to herself then it can be difficult for her to adjust her boundaries. 

This just feels like the affair has been rug swept. No doubt she is tired of hearing about it.


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