# Am I tripping????? please tell me



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Question - 

My wife has complained on and off about lack of affection but its very infrequently.. as in like maybe every 5 or 6 months.. usually after a big fight or disagreement. then she usually shuts down.

i was raised with NO affection and am trying to do better but its tough when weeks and months go by as she says nothing and i slowly slip back into my lil comfort zone of less affection. then i get slammed with how bad ive been doing after months.. in the meantime she acts like a normal happy person then boom an argument. I realize i have work to do and am doing it but to me that doesnt make sense. other that that im a pretty good person/provider/daddy.

anyone have any thoughts/ advice ? Am I tripping???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No you are not tripping. You are being warned and you need to take it very seriously. 

Always remember this-IF YOU DON'T GIVE HER ATTENTION SOMEONE ELSE WILL!

Just like you work hard as a provider and a father you have to work just as hard as a husband.

I thought I was and I still believe I'm a good provider, but I made a terrible husband. for 19 years I was unaffectionit and she cheated, after 7 years she started getting her affection else were.

When you neglect them enough they will take it from any one.

So please, please, please take this seriously and change. Dam it man get some f*cking help, read some books, do f*cking some thing to make your marriage healthier.

She needs kisses and time....listen no matter how sh*tty it is to listen to the most boring crap she has to say, you have to...b/c someone else will. Trust me. My wife found 20 guys to listen to her while went off and did my thing.

You will want to believe that your chick is not like mine, but why take the chance, when alls you have to do is listen....and don't forget the kissing, and the compliments, and hugs, yes...something as small as a quick hug means alot to them.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Have you read The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman? It is a very good book and it describes the different love languages and how to show your spouse you love them in their language.

Just because you were raised without affection doesn't mean that your wife should have to go without it. I understand where you are coming from also, because like you, I was raised with no affection and had a hard time showing it to my husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

valid points.. but if someone doesnt say something except maybe once every 6 months and acts like everything is ok besides that.. is that fair? its tough to read... yes I need to do better and am doing better but i think she needs to communicate better and not wait 6 months later to say anything at all..


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I know this is bit late Socal, but listen the The Guy. I lost my wife excatly because of this very thing. After 36 years. And she did cheat on me 10 years ago - because of this very thing. It's serious dude, you have to actually put her her needs above the other responsibilies. Add that to your other duties or else face disaster in your marriage. I am a better man because of my experience, I will do better if there is a next time around for me. I just wish I would have been wiser sooner. Us guys can be idiots when it comes to complacency and comfort, just maybe the way we are made.


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## Momof2inMT (Apr 9, 2011)

Listen to the guy ^^ . Please. If you love her, listen to him.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

socal04 said:


> valid points.. but if someone doesnt say something except maybe once every 6 months and acts like everything is ok besides that.. is that fair? its tough to read... yes I need to do better and am doing better but i think she needs to communicate better and not wait 6 months later to say anything at all..


I know exactly what you are saying. I had the same exact issue. We did things together, went here and there all the time, I (stupid me) thought everything was well but it wasn't; she wanted/needed more. I want to say that she could have initiated a lot of good stuff to do and I would have done them with her, I guess she was waiting around for me to guess and initiate it first. It should be a two way street - but in isn't.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

socal04 said:


> valid points.. but if someone doesnt say something except maybe once every 6 months and acts like everything is ok besides that.. is that fair? its tough to read... yes I need to do better and am doing better but i think she needs to communicate better and not wait 6 months later to say anything at all..


How many times does she have to say it? Daily? Weekly? If I have to ask for affection all the time I feel like you really don't care. Consider yourself lucky that she's still asking every 6 months. Read walk-a-way wife syndrome and get inspired to do better without her having to ask. Write it on your hand, enter it in your blackberry, a post it note I don't care just remember to do it!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

SoCal, I have some disagreements with magnoliagal's post. I think I understand your situation. Good Luck man! Give her more attention; it's more effort on your part (should be both of yours) but it's the only way to save the marriage.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> magnoliagal, I disagree somewhat with your comment. It's a two way street.


Where did I say it wasn't a two way street?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I did not see that in your last post. It was what I was referring to. Sorry.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I did not see that in your last post. It was what I was referring to. Sorry.


What do you disagree with? Hey I'm here to learn too. Fill me in.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

M, From a man's perspective; he loves her; he has dedicated his life to her FAITHFULLY (I hope) - see his original thread that he also gets no attention from her. It is a two way street with each one reinforcing either the negative (in this case) or the positive (if typical, they probably have had a lot of great times; not sure from his post). I think life gets you on a treadmill, and then complacency sets in, and then it snowballs. Before you know it, one ends up having enough of it, and the other taking responsibilty when it's really a give and take - on both sides. I think that for men, the "comfort zone" is a death trap; and we like the comfort zone so we think everything is well; it does not mean we do not love our spouses; quite the contrary, we adore them. And the answer to your question about:



magnoliagal said:


> How many times does she have to say it? Daily? Weekly?!!


It's a two way street if you think about it. How many times is he supposed to show her attention, Daily, Weekly? Many times we simply don't know what the moratorium is, we aren't mind readers.

Eh, I am not saying that he is right at all or wrong at all, I am simply trying to point out that this happens a LOT in this forum - why - I think it's because romance is most of the time, percieved different by both sexes. I still say that The Guys post is an excellent one for the sake of the marriage but it takes a lot more work for us guys than woman realize because we are not wired to remain perpetually that way. Just my thought on it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> see his original thread that he also gets no attention from her.


Ok wow I just read his other threads this is way more complicated than just him showing more affection. I got nothing now. No clue how to fix this one.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

socal04 said:


> Question -
> 
> My wife has complained on and off about lack of affection but its very infrequently.. as in like maybe every 5 or 6 months.. usually after a big fight or disagreement. then she usually shuts down.
> 
> ...


I guess my thought is that you say you are going to change, then don't. Then you make it her fault for not nagging you.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Magnoliagal, I know; I got nothing on this either. I think whatever it takes to make them both happy but I don't see how SoCal can try to achieve that being raised as he puts it, "with no affection". I think it will be a tough road ahead because she needs affection and it seems that he doesn't know how to give it. Now that I read it more carefully, I guess it's NOT just about how often he gives her attention but how to give her the right attention. Man, SoCal I hope you both hang in there.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Magnoliagal, I know; I got nothing on this either. I think whatever it takes to make them both happy but I don't see how SoCal can try to achieve that being raised as he puts it, "with no affection". I think it will be a tough road ahead because she needs affection and it seems that he doesn't know how to give it. Now that I read it more carefully, I guess it's NOT just about how often he gives her attention but how to give her the right attention. Man, SoCal I hope you both hang in there.


To sum it up. She waits 16 years to voice this complaint, he tries to accomodate, she says its basically too little too late too much pent up anger so she moves to a separate bedroom and says "lets just be friends" for a while - an in house separation as he put it. On the WS script what does it mean when they say that?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> To sum it up. She waits 16 years to voice this complaint, he tries to accomodate, she says its basically too little too late too much pent up anger so she moves to a separate bedroom and says "lets just be friends" for a while - an in house separation as he put it. On the WS script what does it mean when they say that?


Geez, I am looking in the mirror with SoCal with this situation and I can tell you, it's stress and anxiety in it's purest form! We are getting the house ready for sale, are both in there in different bedrooms, we are being friendly, but honestly, it's awkward as h*ll. I see her everyday and we remain cordial but for some reason, I feel like I still need to tell her, "honey, I'm running to the grocery store, do you need anything". I feel like a jack&^ss if I just ignore her and head out the door; it's bad etiquitte and I was not raised that way. I am walking on eggshells, with the extended family, and in my house. She made it clear to me that we do not need to let each other know our comings and goings, but yet, I still feel that to remain civil, it would be respectful to let her know when I was going to be back since we are working together to sort out our finances and working to get the house on the market. I can't wait until this is over so I can get my life back into some sort of order; working out, being less stressed, etc.

Ok, to sum it up. It is hard to stay seperated in the same house just because you are in each others presence everyday and it's like a ticking time bomb - very delicate.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Ok, to sum it up. It is hard to stay seperated in the same house just because you are in each others presence everyday and it's like a ticking time bomb - very delicate.


Can't even imagine. My sister did this with her first husband until they could afford to split. She even had the gall to date during that time. Gee can you pour more salt in the wound? It cost her though in child support. Kinda funny actually. I love her but she's a hot mess.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

It's got to be difficult when it your sister doing this, but like you said, she is your sister, you were in a tough spot there. All I need to do is just get through this period in my life that is really s**king. For Socal, it appears he is just beginning - like me. I am really getting to know the meaning of taking it one day at a time. And the weekends are especially hard - and mothers day will be just dandy. OK, off my soap box.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> It's got to be difficult when it your sister doing this, but like you said, she is your sister, you were in a tough spot there. All I need to do is just get through this period in my life that is really s**king. For Socal, it appears he is just beginning - like me. I am really getting to know the meaning of taking it one day at a time. And the weekends are especially hard - and mothers day will be just dandy. OK, off my soap box.


Is it hard because you still care? Or because you don't? Or just the limbo part?

I didn't care when my sister did it. I knew the marriage was a mistake from the beginning and yes I told her. Then she stupidly went and married the same type of man a second time. They are now divorced too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How did socals sister get into the thread?

Socal- What ever your doing..change it. Spend the time and see what happens. Some times the uncomfortable long period of silence is what she needs to break out and start talking.

Could it bee that every six months is the only time you have time together? I doubt it so hang out alone together and don't badger her,,,, just wait and see.

Start MAKING the time to be alone ...long walks.....car rides works for us, but the point is give her more oppertunity to talk with out being judgmental. Some time you can't fix it and just have to listen.

I'm guessing if she starts to enjoy talking and not so worried about the sh*t she's going to catch from you she may like talking.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

the guy said:


> How did socals sister get into the thread?


My bad. Sorry for the hijack.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

issue is now i am meditating and slowing down my "busy" brain. this is something i have never done before...

when u dont know how to show affection daily its like a setup kinda.. my parents never showed my any.. well maybe twice in 18 years.. my dad never said I love you.. I'm not whining about it but its something i have to learn to do on a daily basis.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You are right it's a setup but not for the reasons you think. I think there is something else going on.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

what do you mean magnoliagal??


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

socal04 said:


> what do you mean magnoliagal??


She waited 16 years to express this grievance then just upped and moved to another room. Resentment maybe? Hormonal? Plus you said she's had moments where she acts like everything is fine. What are the triggers? Is there a pattern?


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