# Feeling Relief Instead of Fighting for the Marriage



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I completed moving out yesterday and spent the first night out "separated" last night. Upon thinking about how the process transpired it occured to me that all other times I had fought for the survival of our marriage with the STBXW, however this time I simply did not have it in me. The separation made me feel an immense relief. Amazingly she said the same about feeling relieved. Is this normal? Although I was giving my son a bath 3 night ago and I literally started tearing up (although he did not notice). Seems to be ups and downs.
one thing is not having to deal with her short temper, sharp tongue, verbal abuse, disrespect and controlling nature regardless of wherever we are. It seems like people are now speaking up on how they noticed her controlling and outright nasty ways towards me. One even commented they they were surprised I didn't find someone else.
However, feeling relieved seems strange.....is this common?


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I guess it depends on the situation. Likely you will feel a bunch of different emotions in the days ahead. Don't do anything rash until you let the dust settle.


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

definitely will not be doing anything rash. If anything I'm scared ****less of women and relationships right now. Very skeptical....it's like people wander into your life with an agenda or something. I don't quite understand it. Seems like people put on a show and the perfect girlfriend becomes the wife from hell once she gets the ring. Pardon my ranting.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

aston, right after my separation I felt exactly what you are feeling, I even told her and I think she took that to mean I was glad to be separated, which was entirely not the case... I think the issue for me was she made the choice to end the marriage unilaterally without me, I didn't get a vote and it was the wrong outcome. But atleast now I suddenly had my own voice back.


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Lon, I'm with you. This experience has surely given me a very skeptical view of women period. no offense to the well meaning women out there of course but I've come out of this with a different perspective period.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

aston said:


> Lon, I'm with you. This experience has surely given me a very skeptical view of women period. no offense to the well meaning women out there of course but I've come out of this with a different perspective period.


No don't think this way then your wife has truly succeeded in beating you down. Its natural to feel this way when you've been blindsided by someone but keep an open heart and mind. She is one woman and she managed, from what you said, to conceal her true self. That was totally her problem. But you are at fault to a much lesser degree. You selected her as a lifetime partner. You probably ignored red flags before committing. 

You see, you do have control you have to fix your picker then find someone who fits your criteria. Cut them loose if you notice red flags while dating and you'll be all set.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> No don't think this way then your wife has truly succeeded in beating you down. Its natural to feel this way when you've been blindsided by someone but keep an open heart and mind. She is one woman and she managed, from what you said, to conceal her true self. That was totally her problem. But you are at fault to a much lesser degree. You selected her as a lifetime partner. You probably ignored red flags before committing.
> 
> You see, you do have control you have to fix your picker then find someone who fits your criteria. Cut them loose if you notice red flags while dating and you'll be all set.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. This is one woman, there are wonderful women in the world. I have 5 sisters who would never do what my wife is doing to me. Although actually, I look at MLC as almost a mental disease which is an illness and hopefully cureable.

You must not broad stroke the broads...just joking ladies!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ha ;o}

What were the red flags that you ignored?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

It's hard not to, considering now I'm starting to connect the dots. Why is it that people put up an act and when they get the ring thesimply stop trying and jsut become a totally different person? Will be a very long time before I trust any woman (if I ever do) thats for sure.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

aston said:


> It's hard not to, considering now I'm starting to connect the dots. Why is it that people put up an act and when they get the ring thesimply stop trying and jsut become a totally different person? Will be a very long time before I trust any woman (if I ever do) thats for sure.


Aston I know you are not ready for a trusting relationship now but I urge you to work on trust again. Trust is not something that you give away it has to be earned. So your saying that you will never allow a woman to work for your trust? But what do you have to lose? tShe has to do all the work. 

. Very few people can hide there true nature if you know what to look for. I don't know what your wife's problem was but she obviosly turned on the charm and then turned it off. She may have been a narcissist or BPD. You can spot them. You can spot other potential problem. Watch the way she treats people in her life? Is she courteous to waiters and the cleaning personnel, does she have friends that she is close but not obsessed, not talk behind their back, does lie? The way a person treats others is the way they will treat you eventually. 

Some behaviors can be fixed some are not fixable. shared outlook on life and shared values and attitude towards money are essential. Search the web for relationship advice and for books when you are ready. Also look up personality disorders. There was an article in Psychology Today about how to spot a narcissist. There are lots of information on how to spot troubled behavior. 

I don't know how long you knew her before you committed to marry but it usually takes at lest 2 yrs to see a person in different situations before you know the real person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

