# Another sad prostitution story :(



## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Hi everyone - 

I'm brand new here. I hope it's okay to just jump in with my story but I'm losing my mind and I'm hoping I can find some support here.

I'll try to keep it short.

I'm 45, husband is 54. No kids. We've been "together" for 19 years, married for almost 14 years.

I can't say we've had the BEST relationship. He's moody, often unkind, distant. But of course there are times when he's great. He's beautiful, funny, loving, responsible.... it's like he changes from day to day, minute to minute. But after 19 years together i love him like I've never loved anyone. I kinda figured all relationships were difficult and this was just what I was dealt and it was fine. I spent years running around in circles around him trying to make him happy. A few years ago, I insisted on marriage counseling because I was sure he would be diagnosed as depressed. And he was. The doc put him on Lexipro (antidepressants) which seemed to help a bit but after about a month, he stopped using them. Said they made him feel numb. Then he just went back to his mood swings. This was about 4 years ago. 

Lately, in the last year or so, things with him have gotten worse. Always saying he's unhappy (though always ending that with saying it's not ME he's unhappy with) He hates where we live (South Florida), he wants to move. He went on a diet and lost quite a bit of weight. He was always on his computer or smart phone..... all those warning signs started going off that makes a wife's "spidey sense" start ringing bells. I researched "mid-life crisis" on google and it seemed to perfectly describe him. I thought that was the problem. I hoped we could ride it out.

On Thursday March 6th (just over 3 weeks ago now) my world collapsed. I had been sneaking looks at his text messages on his phone for a few months, and had seen some things that didn't look right, but never (or hardly) questioned him because he would just get angry and defensive and in my mind it wasn't worth the fight. But on this morning, I saw something new. A screen name I had never seen before. Along with a few lines about being "almost there", etc. what?

I googled the screen name and oh. my. god. OH MY GOD. He's been very, very, very, very active on a prostitution site. He meets with prostitutes during his lunch hour at work on what seems like a weekly basis - for what looks like the better part of about 5 years. And then writes VERY detailed descriptions of his encounters. Along with lots of posts that are just chit chat with other Johns and *****s about this and that, all making it very, very, very clear that it was him. He's a musician and he's posted his original songs, he's posted pictures of our yard, etc. There's no doubt AT ALL that these posts are by him. 

When he came home later that afternoon, I had packed a bag with some of his clothes, threw the bag at him and told him to get the F*** out. He started asking why, but then when I mentioned the screen name I found he just looked at the ground and said "yes, I know what you're talking about" I tried to lock him out of the house, but he ran back into our shed where I forgot I keep an extra key, grabbed the key and ran in and grabbed his computer. We struggled for his computer, but he's stronger than me and he got it away from me and jumped in his car and sped off. According to his posts on that website (and there are nearly 4,000 posts on there) he keeps EVERYTHING on his SD card on his computer as one of the ways he hides this from me. I'm sure that SD card is floating in the Atlantic by now. 

Anyway, he went and stayed with a friend... and this is his story that he's telling anyone that will listen. He's a photographer and he's saying he's only guilty of taking pictures of prostitutes for money behind my back. (As a side note, he started to pick up the hobby of photographing young nude girls years ago, he called it "art", but I put my foot down, said it made me uncomfortable and made him stop) And he's also saying he was posting "sometimes" on that website because he was "bored" but not all those posts are his. He's insisting to anyone that will listen that he's never had sex with anyone outside our marriage. 

One thing he doesn't know is that I was able to break into his account on that site and I've read the email exchanges between him and the prostitutes. They're very graphic, they talk about when they're going to meet or about experiences they've had and they include his real name and phone number) 

My husband spoke on the phone about 5 nights ago for the first time, but he just kept lying. Will NOT admit to seeing prostitutes, just telling me that yes, he took pictures behind my back and yes, he posted bulls*** on this website just for fun, but that's it.

I've filed for divorce and I'm waiting for the server to call me anytime now to tell me he's been served. My husband knows this is coming because the server called him earlier this week to find out where he wants to be served his divorce papers.

My head is a spinning mess. I love him. I hate him. I planned my life around him. What has he done? How could the person I love most in the world turn around and hurt me like this?

He's not begging to come home. On the phone I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he still wanted to be my husband he said yes. But these were only when I asked. He's suggested marriage counseling, but I can't see how that would even help if he continues to lie. I don't even believe he wants counseling because he wants to fix us, I think it's all part of his master plan to try to hide from our friends what a sick piece of s*** he really is. I don't know. I just feel like I don't know anything. I think I'm okay with counseling, but I don't know why. Obviously I deserve better than what he's done to me. 

That's the story in a nutshell as short as I can make it. I'm a mess. I am seeing a physiologist once a week and also a neurologist who has put me on lexipro (irony?) and also Klonopan (sp?) to sleep. I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, or eating, or breathing, really. I can't believe what's happened to my world. Any words of wisdom out there???


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry. You have done the right thing though. Things WILL get better.

My husband used a prostitute once, my story is linked in my sig if you want to read more details. We're together still, but it's very hard. It's very hard no matter what.

Hang in there.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Get tested for STDs. It won't be surprising if you are already infected with something.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't sweat losing the computer,, or the evidence. You saw 100% of what you needed to see.

Filed for divorce? Excellent, get tested for STDs now, if you haven't already.

Took photos of young girls before, now prostitutes? Is he Ansel Adams? No? Then that is a poor BS excuse.

Tell him you want a polygraph, to verify the photography story. See his reaction there. But honestly, you deserve better. Sorry you are going through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are going through a lot right now. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.

One thing to keep in mind is that you love who you thought your husband was. You do not apparently love who he really is. He's been lying and cheating for a long time. Now that you now what he's been doing, he cannot even admit it and is lying to you. Not only is he lying to you, he is lying to others to cover for himself and this makes you look bad.

There can not be any repairing of the marriage if he will not even tell the truth. Your choice of divorce seems to be the best route.

Keep in mind when you have doubts about the divorce, his extracurricular sex with prostitutes puts your wellbeing and life at risk. This is something that he does not have the right to do. 

Do you have anyone close to you who supports you? Are there any friends or family members who you can talk to?

One thing that you might want to do is to download copies of a lot of the posts you found. This way you have solid proof of his activities. If it were me, I'd down load the worst of the worst posts and let him know that if he does not stop lying to make you look bad to others, you will be glad to give people copies of his posts and his screen names so that they can make up their own minds about how innocent his actions have been.

ETA: It's highly unlikely that everyone he tells his sad story to believes him. Keep that in mind. People are not that naive.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You've taken the only step you could. Go through with the D asap for your sanity. No going back - his behaviour can only be described as sick.

Did you keep any of the evidence? 

Out him to everyone, tell them EXACTLY what he was doing and don't hold anything back. Tell them how his computer was the only thing he grabbed as he left the house and wrestled you for it. Hopefully it will force him to move away. 

Just try and get him completely out of your orbit as quickly as possible. He only loves himself and not you. No one who loves you could do those horrendous things.

I'm so sorry you are here and have been put through this nightmare.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like he's not begging to come home in the false hope that if he remains distant, YOU will cave in and YOU will be the one begging HIM to come home.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Stop asking him if he loves you.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Thank you, Hope. Everyone says it will get better. I can't imagine it getting better, but that's what everyone is telling me.

WhiteRaven and PhillyGuy, yes, I got tested for STDs immediately. Thankfully, I'm clean.

Elegirl, you're right. He's NOT the man I thought he was. But how do you stop loving the man you've loved and built your life around for 19 years? I want the man I THOUGHT he was back in the worst way possible, but I'm trying to deal with the fact that that man left this world a LONG time ago. How do you do that????

Yes, I have a good network of friends. Not all local. They all check on me (call, stop by) as much as possible, I guess, but it doesn't feel like enough to me. I've never lived alone in my life. Now I'm here alone in this house (with two elderly dogs that both need lots of medical care) and I'm scared, and I'm lonely. And I want my husband back.... my REAL husband, not this sick piece of s***. 

********** - Yes, I kept tons of evidence. And I've circulated it to people. Everyone is shocked. Some of our friends actually BELIEVE his crazy story because I guess the truth is too hard to wrap your mind around, I dunno. But most of our friends have nothing but compassion for me and what I'm going through and are sickened by this whole thing. 

I can't believe he doesnt love me. I just can't believe it. I mean, I really cant. 19 years - that's almost half my life - and the "i love yous" came from him every day, right up until March 6th.

Thank you all for responding so quickly and so nicely. I'm losing my mind.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He may love you, in his mind, but he isn't able to act like a loving person. Or he may just be paying lip service to it. You may never know.

Tell your therapist that you need help to dissociate from him. The sooner you can do that the sooner things will improve.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He may love you, in his mind, but he isn't able to act like a loving person. Or he may just be paying lip service to it. You may never know.
> 
> Tell your therapist that you need help to dissociate from him. The sooner you can do that the sooner things will improve.


:iagree:

He may love you, in his own way. But keep in mind that _this_ is what love looks like to him. Love, for him, includes him having lots of sex with lots of prostitutes, lying, betrayal, denial, and making you out to be crazy and a fool to anyone who will believe him. 

So what if he does love you? Is his version of love enough for you?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

brokenheartedwife said:


> And I want my husband back.... my REAL husband, not this sick piece of s***.


 You asnwered yourself earlier.
This was the real him all along, both the husband and the hooker addict, the double life man. You were just unaware of the second bacause he ensured it.
As such a man won't deal, humbly, with you, won't face the music at all he chose to save face with mutual aquitances.

Unless he decide to face it, fully confess and get help there's no hope and you must try your best to detach.

I'm sorry friend.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You saw the mask. Now you see the man.


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## John-agape (Mar 10, 2014)

Marriage counseling will not work here. Counseling is for couples who have difficulties communication and understanding each other.

In your case the problem is your husband's attitude. He needs treatment. When that is cured then there is no need for counseling.

The problem is not your marriage, it's his lust addiction.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> He's a photographer and he's saying he's only guilty of taking pictures of prostitutes for money behind my back. (As a side note, he started to pick up the hobby of photographing young nude girls years ago, he called it "art", but I put my foot down, said it made me uncomfortable and made him stop) And he's also saying he was posting "sometimes" on that website because he was "bored" but not all those posts are his. He's insisting to anyone that will listen that he's never had sex with anyone outside our marriage.


So, where is his nude art book?
Where is his publishing credit?
Where is his portfolio?
Where is his agent?
Where is his photo website?

I could keep going, but you get my point.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

John-agape said:


> Marriage counseling will not work here. Counseling is for couples who have difficulties communication and understanding each other.
> 
> In your case the problem is your husband's attitude. He needs treatment. When that is cured then there is no need for counseling.
> 
> The problem is not your marriage, it's his lust addiction.


I agree. Unless you see a major change in your husband along with both remorse and total transparency, this marriage is, as you suspect, dead. I don't think that he's able to give all of his "hobbies" up without some years of therapy and even then I'd think it would be very hard.

If you decide to divorce, and you can take some time to think on that, move quickly. There is no reason to waste any more of your life on this guy.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

I don't agree with one thing your husband has done to you!

Good thing you are STD free. 

You do realize that he has an addiction don't you? 

He is a Sex Addict. 

Maybe you should get him to a 12 Step program for Sex Addicts. 

In addition has he been Jealous and Possessive of you. I used to work with a guy who too was madly in love with his wife and very very possessive of her!!. 

He would go to a Prostitute or escort at lunch time and then that evening make love to his wife. One was raw sex, the other was love making. He and I were talking recently about my WAW I told him how up to the day she left our bedroom was like a Porn Set. He said that's the way it always was with his wife. I asked him, the tell tale question 

"Most men go to escorts because they do things the wife won't, he immediately said it was opposite his wife would do things he could never pay enough to get!! 

You see its like the Affair Fog, I believe its the thrill of someone different, the thrill of maybe getting caught. I also found out that these higher priced girls are probably ten times cleaner than a woman you would pick up at a bar!!! 


To make a long story short, he cleaned up his act. He no longer looks at porn goes to escorts etc. And his wife never ever found out and they are still together. So if you really love him maybe get his addiction treated and also the best way I would think is to keep an eye on every penny that comes in and goes out!

Good Luck, I wish you well.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Normally, I'd say that this situation is pretty much hopeless, but this time . . . I dunno. Something makes me think that it could possibly work out. You could always try counselling and him going to sex addiction meetings and still have the divorce ready to go.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. You are not the cause of him cheating.
2. I don't believe in "sex addictions", it is not a clinical diagnosis, but there are sexual behaviors that can be treated in various ways to include 12 step programs. The problem is that unlike alcohol, what happens if he relapses? It means he is having sex again with women. Personally I could deal with an alcoholic slipping up far more easily then a man who relapses with prostitutes. And that has always been an issue I have had with sexual offenders being treated in sexual addiction clinics. Even one slip up means they are having sex again in inappropriate ways. 
3. If he wants to change then he does it on his own, is my view. I would not waste time in MC, asking him to go to a 12 step program, etc. Let him figure it out and just keep moving forward with the D.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

I have filed for divorce.

He said he doesn't want a divorce, and he suggested counseling, but now that I've served him, he's saying he doesn't see the point of trying to fix our marriage while trying to end it. 

He's not even making sense to me with his mixed messages. My brain tells me he's a lying, cheating piece of s*** and I need to divorce him immediately.... but my heart is broken in a million pieces. I've loved this man nearly half my life.

My brain feels like it's a bicycle chain that keeps slipping gears. One second I hate him and wish he was dead, the next second I want him to come back crying and telling me the truth and begging me to let him get help so we can be together forever as planned.

I'm a mess. The doctor has put me on anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants, but they don't seem to be working.... not as well as I'd like them to.

I feel like i know what I have to do, but my heart hurts too much to move.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Is anyone out there?

I'm sure there are some of you out there that have been faced with divorcing or not divorcing the man they love....... Anyone been in my shoes and have some advise? I'm sorry to beg, I'm just so confused.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

brokenheartedwife said:


> Is anyone out there?
> 
> I'm sure there are some of you out there that have been faced with divorcing or not divorcing the man they love....... Anyone been in my shoes and have some advise? I'm sorry to beg, I'm just so confused.


Why would you want to stay with someone you can't trust? Trust is way more important than love. You think you love him. It's not love. It's your fear of being alone. Don't be afraid. Move on.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

brokenheartedwife said:


> Is anyone out there?
> 
> I'm sure there are some of you out there that have been faced with divorcing or not divorcing the man they love....... Anyone been in my shoes and have some advise? I'm sorry to beg, I'm just so confused.


Don't be sorry to beg OP. What you are feeling right now is completely normal. Pain, confusion, fear, regret. It's gut-wrenching. 

That said from your story I think you have made the best decision - in this case D. Sure you could stay and hope he can clean up his act. But he has been living this secret life for YEARS. It won't be easy to shake the habit. And what if he can't? Or what if he does and starts it up again in 1 or 5 or 8 years time? All the while you will be living in a state of anxiety, looking at his phone, his bills etc. Because in a case like this you would want verifiable truth for a long long time. 

That is no life to have. 

When you rip off that Bandaid sure it's going to hurt. But the alternative is to peel it away painfully and slowly over years. 

Don't forget that he is a liar and has been blatantly lying to you for years.

Also the meds do take a few weeks to kick in properly. Go and get some IC too. 

Do you have a friend/family member who can support you through this?

Finally, look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, is the man you are saying you love the man you thought he was? Will you ever be able to look at him the same way again? You're in grief for the past and the man you loved who turned out not to be that man at all. 
Personally I would also be very turned off and EXTREMELY uncomfortable about him taking photos of young nude girls. How young?


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

**********, what is IC?

Yes, I have friends, but it's been a month and Im starting to get the feeling that they're getting frustrated with my inability to move on. I mean, I've been with this guy for 19 years and it's been one month and a day since D-Day as you guys call it. How quickly am I supposed to be ok?

I think you're all right when most of you say D is the only option. It's just..... god d*** it.... I've done nothing but be in love with this man for 19 years. I can't imagine a life without him. I don't want to. But you're right, I also can't imagine a life where I'm in a prison of always needing to check up on him. What kind of life is that? I'm in SO MUCH FRIGGIN PAIN.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

So long as he is continuing to lie and cheat, the marriage can't be saved. Cheating for five years with numerous prostitutes is a monumental betrayal. I'd imagine that this has been going on even longer than five years.

You can't trust your husband at all. He was leading a double life for so long there is no way to tell what was real and what was not. 

Who you loved was not real. You loved his facade but it wasn't the real him. The real him is the sicko that would bang a prostitute and then come home to you. The real him is the one who lies to your friends and family and is trying to make you sound irrational to cover up his perversions. 

You will need to grieve. While his body is still there, the man you thought you loved is dead. He died the minute he cheated and you will never fully know when that was. You need to look at this as if a death has occurred and allow yourself to go through the stages of grieving.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SteveK said:


> I don't agree with one thing your husband has done to you!
> 
> Good thing you are STD free.
> 
> ...


What her husband did would be a deal breaker for most people even if he was remorseful. As of right now he is undeserving of any type of reconciliation. He hasn't even accepted what he has done, in fact he is going around telling anyone who will listen that he was just taking pictures. 

If he was serious about saving his marriage he should be trying to move heaven and earth to show her how sorry he is. Instead he is basically denying it when caught red handed which actually makes it even more insulting and hurtful.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

brokenheartedwife said:


> **********, what is IC?
> 
> Yes, I have friends, but it's been a month and Im starting to get the feeling that they're getting frustrated with my inability to move on. I mean, I've been with this guy for 19 years and it's been one month and a day since D-Day as you guys call it. How quickly am I supposed to be ok?
> 
> I think you're all right when most of you say D is the only option. It's just..... god d*** it.... I've done nothing but be in love with this man for 19 years. I can't imagine a life without him. I don't want to. But you're right, I also can't imagine a life where I'm in a prison of always needing to check up on him. What kind of life is that? I'm in SO MUCH FRIGGIN PAIN.


Individual counselling BHW. Go and get some ASAP. Your doctor will know someone. 
Your friends are idiots. Sorry! It just shows how people who haven't been betrayed have no idea of what you are going through. 
See if there is a Divorce Support group in your area. Support groups sound a bit 'meh' but they are really worthwhile because you are in the company of others who know what you are going through. 
Try not to think too far ahead into the future. It won't serve you well because you will start worrying about how you will live without him and so on. Try to get through each day right now. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Ok? 

Busy yourself with the divorce details. selling the house etc. 
Are you a gym member? Exercise is great - you may not feel motivated but working up a sweat releases endorphins which are way more powerful that any anti-depressants. Buy a compact exercise bike for home. I did and lost 5 kilos. 

Sounds silly but I find a bowl of hot mashed potato (not fries) with butter and salt on them and a glass of milk before bedtime makes me sleep like a baby. Better than sleeping pills. I have suggested it to friends in the past and it worked for all of them 

Spoil yourself. Treat yourself to a massage - very good for stress. 

Keep posting here because everyone understands what you are going through. 
One day at a time. . .

PS You will be OK in your own time which will be a lot more quickly if you leave than if you stay. Keep thinking realistically of the alternative. . . watching him like a hawk for the next year+ in case he visits a brothel. And it's so easy - you can't be with him all day. He can go anytime during the day. How will you monitor that? Because you will always be wondering. He was doing it for 5 years - probably a lot longer than that IMO.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

SteveK said:


> So if you really love him, maybe get his addiction treated and also the best way I would think is to keep an eye on every penny that comes in and goes out!
> Good Luck, I wish you well.


See what I mean BHW - the alternative and no guarantees whatsoever.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Thank you again, **********. I am doing IC. I go every Tuesday. I might need more. Gonna discuss that with my therapist tomorrow.

I think my friends are being too hard on me, really. Not ALL of them, but some of them, including one who's husband had an affair and left her 5 years ago. She's since met another man and remarried. All she wants to tell me really is how it gets better. Sure, it did for her. Who knows how things will end up for me? Just the thought of dating someone else makes me sick.

A divorce group is prob a good idea. I did some searching for a group of spouses of sex-addicts, but couldn't find anything locally unfortunately. 

I'm not even anywhere near one day at a time. I'm right now one minute at a time. If that.

No, I'm not a gym member presently. Ive been out of work for a year so the gym membership was the first thing that got cut. I'm TRYING to walk and ride my bike a bit (i live in Florida) but then I feel like I don't have the energy for much. My BEST friend is coming from overseas tomorrow and staying for 3 weeks. I hope that helps. It should.

Right now my lawyer is drafting a response to the email he sent me yesterday telling me that he'll only do therapy if I put the breaks on the divorce. Says he doesn't want a divorce but no, he is certainly NOT trying to move heaven and earth to prove anything to me. I guess what I'm trying to say he's he's just a huge a**hole and now I have to accept that and move on. I guess. 

But I wanna hear what he has to say in therapy if he'll do it. We'll see what my lawyer's email says and how he reacts to it.

Thanks again for all your responses. It's nice to find people who understand.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

********** said:


> Finally, look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself is the man you are saying you love the man you thought he was? Will you ever be able to look at him the same way again? You're in grief for the past and the man you loved who turned out not to be that man at all.
> Personally I would also be very turned off and EXTREMELY uncomfortable about him taking photos of young nude girls. How young?


**********, I forgot to answer this part. No, I guess he's NOT the man I thought he was. Don't think I can ever look at him the same as I did on March 5th. I was extremely uncomfortable with his "photography hobby" when I knew about it, which is why I put my foot down years ago and said "no more" These girls are all in their early 20s, I would guess, though at this point I certainly wouldn't be shocked to find that there are some that were underage. It's just disgusting.... and I don't want to be married to a gross pervert like that. I just didn't know I was.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I've said many time divorce is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. It was the most difficult thing I've gone through up to this point in my life. 

I think everything you're feeling is completely normal. It would be the cold person who could simply 'turn off' their feelings for their partner like flipping a switch. It's not that easy. 

I've heard breaking away for your partner referred to as like riding a roller coaster. You have highs and lows. In the beginning the lows far exceed the highs. Over time, if you're doing positive things for yourself, the highs will start to last longer and the lows shorten. It takes time though. 

I wouldn't even consider getting involved in another romantic relationship at this stage. Put that out of your mind for now. I think now is the time for strengthening relationships with family and friends. Work on yourself, physically, emotionally, spirtually...get to know who you are again and what you want out of life.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you read my story you'll know my husband attends SA meetings. I attended one COSA meeting and never went back - the 12 step groups for spouses of addicts all operate on the codependent model, which I do not identify with at all.

I found this book extremely helpful

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books

The title is misleading - it's applicable to anyone whose spouse has cheated, not just partners of sex addicts.

As for your friends, they have NO CLUE if they really think you should be over this in a month! I'm four years out and am still not fully recovered.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

MHW, I am sorry you are going through this. I also experienced those times of trying to make it to the next minute. I did not follow through with D, my wife repented and came clean about everything. But it did not displace those raw emotional ups and downs. Whether one R's or D's it is still very painful.

Does it get better? Yes in time. But while you are going through it, you will feel like there is no end in sight to your emotional h*ll. 

Some moments you have to just ride the wave of emotion. You may feel some relief and then "WHAM" you get hit hard again. 

There are therapies you can use, walking, talking, deep breathing, etc. They all help. Some times "Curl up in a ball and cry" therapy helps.

Like many other crisis' that people face, time is what is needed most, and you can't speed time up to accomidate your needs. 

I would suggest you own whatever emotion you are experiencing, take it for what it is, name it, know that your STBX caused this, and try to grit it out.

I know of no other way. Meds help take the edge off, but some folks don't get relief from meds and other do and some find that they are worse. The same med may have three different results in folks, works, does nothing, makes it worse.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I found this book extremely helpful
> 
> Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books


Hope, I downloaded and have begun reading this book. Thanks for the tip. It amazes me that this problem is so widespread that there are a bunch of books about it. Up until last month, I never would have dreamed of any husband doing this to their loving wife, especially mine.

My best friend just flew all the way from China to spend 3 weeks with me. She got here last night. It's great having her here and I hope her being here helps me even after she's gone. We'll see.

My husband is still wanting to do some kind of therapy. I'm open to it, even it's just so I can see him look me in the eye and lie and know that I'm making the right move divorcing him. 

Oh my god, my heart hurts. I LOVE the man I THOUGHT he was for 19 years. I MISS him terribly. We never went a day without talking, now we haven't talked but once in a whole month, and I haven't seen him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. I mean, I miss the guy that cuddled with me at night and didn't sleep with huge secrets while he was holding me, kissing me. I don't know when the last time I actually saw that guy was, but I thought it was March 5th. I was wrong.

Oh my god, it hurts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just remember that you miss the man you THOUGHT you married, not the one you actually did marry.

It does hurt. I pray you are able to move past this and heal sooner rather than later. Peace.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Thanks Hope, even as a devout Atheist, I welcome your prayers. I'll take whatever might work to make this pain stop. Thanks for your support. <3


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think you are doing the right thing.

I have a horrible feeling that you have only just discovered the tip of a rather nasty and very dirty iceberg.

You do need to get tested for STDs/HIV.


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Thanks,MattMatt. I did get tested. And I'm clean. Isn't he a wonderful guy for using a condom while lying to me and cheating for 5+ years plus? Maybe I should make him a trophy for being so upstanding.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Wow....so sorry your at this point.
I think you need to file for D. No coming back from this.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I will disagree with just about everyone on this forum on issues like prosititution or any "hidden" vice.

Many people have demons selfish pockets of a secret only a few if anybody know about. I know only a handful of guys who haven't used prostitutes at some point, and unless your husband is a idiot he used a rubber and didn't go down on her. Just read you got tested, so yes he has a brain!! Most escorts practice 100% condom use I'm not saying it's safer than casually dating, but when woman won't give you a BJ without a condom on she is serious. Most women you meet in real life will do anything protection is rarely used.

I'm getting off track, I think your husband loves and loved you! Just because he has a secret life that is selfish, perverted, taboo, doesn't mean he can't or doesn't love. 

His guilt level is high even if he is not showing it. I will almost guarantee deep down he doesn't like the double life he has led, but at the same time doesn't want it to end.

Even though I think he loves/loved you and still does YOU SHOULD STILL DEFINITELY DIVORCE HIM!! 

He is broken and you don't fix double life issues imo it's at his core. Focus on you, your kids, your family and try to move on.

Best of luck!!


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

Thanks, OhGeesh. I wish I had kids to focus on, but I don't When I turned up pregnant years ago, my lovely husband told me that if I had a baby, it would ruin his life.... so I had to choose between his happiness and mine? Guess who I chose? Again, I don't have kids.

I must sound like an idiot. I was just in love. I thought being a wife meant doing everything you could to ensure your husband's well being. I was such a dope. I'm not stupid. I'm educated, I'm not a child. I just thought I was doing what I was supposed to do for love, and I was doing my best.,


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

brokenheartedwife said:


> Thanks, OhGeesh. I wish I had kids to focus on, but I don't When I turned up pregnant years ago, my lovely husband told me that if I had a baby, it would ruin his life.... so I had to choose between his happiness and mine? Guess who I chose? Again, I don't have kids.
> 
> I must sound like an idiot. *I was just in love*. I thought being a wife meant doing everything you could to ensure your husband's well being. I was such a dope. I'm not stupid. I'm educated, I'm not a child. I just thought I was doing what I was supposed to do for love, and I was doing my best.,


You give love a bad name.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Just curious how he was funding these weekly meetings. There must have been financial evidence. This would be an expensive hobby. A really nice car payment every month.:scratchhead:


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## brokenheartedwife (Apr 3, 2014)

My lawyer is in the process of gathering all that information.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Please keep us posted.
Stay strong


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

This was sent to me on MA because even though my wife has only been with her affair partner and me, he has been with lots of woman..(.but she does not believe that...shes a dope!)

I would also advise that you and the Mr check out this post from SI about testing for STDs if a partner has had sex with someone who has had many other partners.

"First, you need to get tested for STDs. The FULL panel, not just the stuff you would get at a regular OB checkup or Planned Parenthood visit. You will need to tell your doctor or whoever is doing the tests that you have been sexually active with a partner with prostitute and/or anonymous encounter experience so they understand you need additional testing. This is an extremely awful experience, but they need to know so they can give you every test available. A starter list includes HIV, Syphilis, both Herpes (which you will likely have one strain because most people do), Gonorrhea, and HPV. To do all these tests require blood, urine, and swab so if you have not had all three, you have not had all these tests. In addition, if you are female, you should also consider any bacterial vaginosis tests, bacterial STDs (including ureaplasma, mycoplasma genitalium, trichomonas, gardnerella, mobiluncus mulieris, and mobiluncus curtisi), yeast tests (c. tropicalis, c. krusei, c. dubliniensus, c. glabrata, c. parapsilosis, c. albicans.) that are available to females."

SurvivingInfidelity.com - When the WS is into Prostitutes and/or Anonymous Encounters


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He sounds broken inside.

Sorry he forced you to abort that child. Sorry.


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