# About to cheat



## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

For 15yrs I have tried to make my marriage work with an alcoholic drug addict whom i have 1 child with. He has been locked up and i stayed, on the wagon, off the wagon, u name it and i stayed. He is my second marriage, first one we were too young and he left. back in sept an ex boyfriend got in contact with me and we strated talking everyday in secret at night. he lives 3 states away. we developed feelings for achother so i went on a trip to go see him. he changed his mind because of me being married so nothing came of it and we stopped all contact. so I am left with these intense feelings for him but nowhere to put them, my husband has slept on the couch for years, we do not talk or have sex, we do nothing together except co-exist. I wanted my marriage to work, stupid i know but i did and still kinda do, but since getting feelings for this other man I know the love i had for my husband is gone. 
I started talking to a different guy, a friend so far, much younger than me by 9yrs but again, he says things to me that i miss and treats me how i need. my kids r almost grown and i cannot live like this for the rest of my life i am still very young 35. my kids are 19 and 14 the oldest away at school. I am meeting this guy next weekend for coffee to see where it goes. part of me feels not guilty but sad. I want to leave my husband but my daughter wants to stay and i wont leave her, the house is in his name so i am stuck, i did apply to an apt. so i can be prepared, my husband knows i am unhappy and want out , i told him. he wont fix it. I dont want to cheat while in the same house but i dont want to die starved for attention either. help!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

wife2 said:


> For 15yrs I have tried to make my marriage work with an alcoholic drug addict whom i have 1 child with. He has been locked up and i stayed, on the wagon, off the wagon, u name it and i stayed. He is my second marriage, first one we were too young and he left. back in sept an ex boyfriend got in contact with me and we strated talking everyday in secret at night. he lives 3 states away. we developed feelings for achother so i went on a trip to go see him. he changed his mind because of me being married so nothing came of it and we stopped all contact. so I am left with these intense feelings for him but nowhere to put them, my husband has slept on the couch for years, we do not talk or have sex, we do nothing together except co-exist. I wanted my marriage to work, stupid i know but i did and still kinda do, but since getting feelings for this other man I know the love i had for my husband is gone.
> I started talking to a different guy, a friend so far, much younger than me by 9yrs but again, he says things to me that i miss and treats me how i need. my kids r almost grown and i cannot live like this for the rest of my life i am still very young 35. my kids are 19 and 14 the oldest away at school. I am meeting this guy next weekend for coffee to see where it goes. part of me feels not guilty but sad. I want to leave my husband but my daughter wants to stay and i wont leave her, the house is in his name so i am stuck, i did apply to an apt. so i can be prepared, my husband knows i am unhappy and want out , i told him. he wont fix it. I dont want to cheat while in the same house but i dont want to die starved for attention either. help!


Look, you're making a choice here - and like your decisions in the past - it seems like a bad one.

This is your last opportunity before going over the cliff and becoming just another woman who cheated, to stop it.

It's pretty clear you don't have a healthy marriage, don't have an exit affair - you're better than that.

Your daughter doesn't want the marriage to end - ok, but would she prefer a divorced mom, to a cheating mom? 

Which one would she be more likely to tell someone about? How her mom got fed up living with an awful drug addicted husband and so pulled herself up, divorced him, and made a better life for herself 

or

How her mom decided to cheat. BTW - you know once you've done it with one guy, there will be more and more of then down the road. This isn't a one time, feed your need thing, this is a choice to become one of these skanks that is cheating and burning through men.

btw, how is your daughter going to feel when you're out running around cheating?

divorce if you need to, but never choose to cheat.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

despite the crappy marriage you have it still no excuse to cheat

1) file for divorce- you've already cheated even if it hasn't gone physical, and you should tell your husband about your EA
2) stop all contact with your OM, you will destroy his marriage (and have already done considerable damage)


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

DO NOT CHEAT!!! Get divorced first, get into therapy to help you recover from the emotional damage of this marriage, then when you are feeling better about yourself start to date.

Cheating is not the answer to a bad marriage. Nothing justifies cheating. Infidelity not only harms your husband and your children, it does harm to you. You will forever have to live with the fact that you betrayed yourself, your morals, your religion (if you believe).

Keep your dignity. If you're really done with your H, file for divorce.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> my husband knows i am unhappy and want out , i told him. he wont fix it. I dont want to cheat while in the same house but i dont want to die starved for attention either. help!


If you've let him him know how unhappy you are and he is still not willing to fix it, then you need to take the initiative and either seperate or divorce. You've realized you can't live like this any longer. While you're not actually cheating on him yet, this other relationship seems to be headed toward an emotional affair. You need to take a break from this OM until you can figure out your marriage situation. 

In my opinion, the writing is on the wall- DIVORCE.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> You need to take a break from this OM until you can figure out your marriage situation.



OM is married she should never speak to him again


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

You are posting in coping with infidelity -- I don't think anyone does actually cope -- I think you knew what the response to about to cheat is by
those who have been cheated on-- DON'T!! Divorce first is the way don't cheat!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

somewhere someone misunderstood, OM is NOT married! In fact he has NEVER been married.


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

I know I have no excuse to cheat and that is not how i wanted this to go, I wanted my husband to love me enough to want to fix us but he makes excuses and wont even try. I want to separate i told him that, but i cant uproot my daughter from the only home she has ever known just so i can be happy? So am i just doomed here? my whole adult life i have never made a decision that did not revolve around the well being of my kids, so i feel like my obligation is to her, and i have to stay till she graduates and if that is the case, where do i put my needs as far as intimacy and touch go? do i go without because of the decision to stay? is it a "you made ur bed" kinda thing?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wife2 said:


> I am meeting this guy next weekend for coffee to see where it goes


Where exactly do you think it will go? 

Say you meet this guy, f-ck him, have an affair, whatever--the main issue remains: you are unhappy in your marriage that you want to leave, your husband doesn't meet your needs/is an alcoholic/you feel starved for attention.

Ok, say you run off and frolick w/ OM ... when you come home... the main problems are still there.

The affair isn't giong to change anything at home. Nothing at all. 

It's just going to make the problems in your life that much more.

I'm assuming OM knows you are married? 

Respect yourself. Respect your marriage. Respect your husband enough not to do this.

If you are so upset/hurt/hating married life, file for a divorce and be done. In fact, talk to your husband and tell him everything you wrote here--that you are wanting to cheat, that you've been talking to someone "in secret"--that you are unhappy.

Cheating is not going to solve the problems at home.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> If you've let him him know how unhappy you are and he is still not willing to fix it, then you need to take the initiative and either seperate or divorce.


This. 

You are 35. You are grown. Stop making excuses .. "but but but." It's ridiculous. I am not bashing you, I am just saying, take initiative. Either woman up and make a decision about your marriage or tolerate it. It's not that difficult to make decisions.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> OM is married she should never speak to him again


OM is NOT married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You're not thinking correctly if you believe an affair won't affect your daughter. It will affect her future relationships. A divorce is arguably better. In fact, seeing her mother finally walk away from a man who refuses to fight his demons could be an excellent lesson.

Appealing to your selfish side, if you cheat you'll eventually get caught. At that point no one will remember all of the crap your husband put you through. The ENTIRE responsibility of your marriage failing will be placed in your lap. Do you really want to be "that woman"? Divorce this man, invest in some counseling, and find a partner when you understand healthy boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Please don't cheat. You won't like yourself after doing it. Think about this: If you had a choice for starting a relationship, which situation would you prefer?

1) Being single and falling in love naturally

2) Being married and having to hide your new relationship efforts from your spouse, family and friends. Then getting caught and suffering the consequences.

Take it from a cheater, it's not worth it. End the marriage, and then start a new one with a SINGLE person as well. 

PLEASE don't do this to yourself, your spouse, family, friends, and the other person, their spouse, family, and friends. It's not about you two. It involves everyone.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as someone who had 2 exit affairs before ending my 17 year marriage...

1). You're already cheating. 

2). Don't make it worse. End your "marriage", then do what you want. Go out with your honor intact. Once you've strayed physically, how will you explain that to a new partner?

3). Think about what kind of relationship you're teaching your daughter to accept. Do you really want her in the same situation as you? Because that's what you're teaching her a marriage is all about.

My $0.02 worth...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I wont give you a speech or a scolding about the effects of this choice your about to make on everyone in your life...

Because, you don't care and you likely wont listen. You've suffered too long and the concrete has set.

Your own pain has granted you a license to seek what you feel you are entitled to at this point. Happiness. I can't blame you. I agree, you do deserve better and you do deserve to be happy. 

Not this way. This is fools gold. 

The one thing that I hope will motivate you is your own pain and your own pleasure.

This is a fact, listen for your own good. Not for your H, because you have probably already decided that your marriage is over. You are disconnected. But feel trapped.

If you do this, you will instantly poison any chance you have of being happy with this person and you will damage any chance of being happy with anyone else after this.

I promise you this will be one of the greatest regrets of your life.

You’ll see.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wife2 said:


> somewhere someone misunderstood, OM is NOT married! In fact he has NEVER been married.


my apologies I misread "he changed his mind because of me being married so nothing came of it and we stopped all contact. " and thought "me" said "him"


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I misunderstood as well. But the rest of my statement still applies.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

wife2 said:


> i cant uproot my daughter from the only home she has ever known just so i can be happy?


If you cheat, it will do more to destroy the home she has than a divorce will. 

A divorce now means her parents marriage didn't work, and so they ended it.

A divorce after you've cheated, means her mom was a cheater and it broke apart the family.

Both end in divorce and the end the home for her. 



wife2 said:


> so i feel like my obligation is to her, and i have to stay till she graduates and if that is the case, where do i put my needs as far as intimacy and touch go? do i go without because of the decision to stay? is it a "you made ur bed" kinda thing?


Well that is one of the choices you have. Keep going for a couple of years, and sacrifice for your daughter. Many people think that's a worthwhile pain to suffer.

If you can't do that, then divorce. Cheating will not make you happy. It will make you anger, paranoid, lying, guilty, etc.

None of which will help you or your daughter at all.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I can understand how you feel wife2... I don't believe that there was ever any real love between the two of us. I know it's over. With the house, Daughter in private school and extra-curricular activities, home expenses, car payment... Divorce is not the answer for me. Mostly because my wife doesn't work outside the home.

We haven't said I love you in way over a year now and there is Zero intimacy. Yes there is sex but there is not heart in it. 

As far as cheating, with my work, I am around many beautiful athletic women. A lot of the give me more attention than my wife EVER did. Wow... do they flirt...Am I close to cheating? In my mind I already have. Just like you have imagined being intimate with not only this one man , but also others.

For me, I really am sad to go home. We seem to avoid conversation as much as possible. If we talk at all, it is about our daughter or something needs fixing with the house... 

I AGREE with most of the post. Cheating is not the answer for you and it is not the answer for me. Your future relationships will be cursed. So Like you... I need to stay the course. I just don't know how long I can do this. I've even reverted way back to drinking alcohol like I did when I was in my earl 20's. Sometimes I just need the wine to keep me a little numb. When I get a big belly, I stop for a while 

We have about 19 years together. It's a lot of years to throw away. My wife and daughter are worth more than that, as well as any future relationship. I want my daughter to always respect me and be the best role model possible. It's not easy.

So what has helped me is to have a few hobbies that takes me away an evening and Sunday mornings so that I can have some guy friends that I haven't had in 18+ years. Do what you can to have female friends that may replace the need for the love of another man.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

You could also tell your husband you want an open marriage since he's not willing to separate. 

Unless your husband knows the full extent of your unhappiness, you can not let him shoulder all the blame for not fixing the marriage. He does not know you have had an EA, started a second EA, and are now considering a PA. If he knew all this and still didn't care, then by all means continue. Not that an open marriage is a healthy home for your daughter either, but it would be honest.

Also, do not stay just for your daughter. I'd feel like $#!t if I knew my Mom stayed married to my Dad just because of me, talk about laying on the guilt! Sacrificing your happiness for your daughter, may not be a sacrifice your daughter wants you to make. Maybe as a 14-year-old she'd want it, but someday as a grown adult woman I don't think she'd want to bear that burden.

You're blaming your husband for your unhappiness because he doesn't meet your emotional needs, but you're also blaming your daughter because she's the one keeping you from leaving.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> Speaking as someone who had 2 exit affairs before ending my 17 year marriage...
> 
> 1). You're already cheating.


Word.

I don't agree with this:



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> you will damage any chance of being happy with anyone else after this.


But I do agree with this: 



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> If you do this, you will instantly poison any chance you have of being happy with this person


And this:



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I promise you this will be one of the greatest regrets of your life.
> 
> You’ll see.


The bottom line is: Don't do it. It's already gone too far.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Also, do not stay just for your daughter. I'd feel like $#!t if I knew my Mom stayed married to my Dad just because of me, talk about laying on the guilt! Sacrificing your happiness for your daughter, may not be a sacrifice your daughter wants you to make. Maybe as a 14-year-old she'd want it, but someday as a grown adult woman I don't think she'd want to bear that burden.
> 
> You're blaming your husband for your unhappiness because he doesn't meet your emotional needs, but you're also blaming your daughter because she's the one keeping you from leaving.



For me,I am not staying because of our Daughter... Well kinda. I stay because I value my time with her. We have certain rituals that we do every day. I also enjoy reading to her every night, playing board games... If we divorced and all that changed, that would hurt me too. I hope that my Daughter won't feel any guilt because of that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ You can "value your time with her" when you are single, too.

Your excuse for staying with your husband is just that... an excuse.

Excuses don't explain and explainations don't excuse.

The "guilt" isn't your daughter's to feel. She has done nothing wrong. The marriage is between you and your husband. If you have any "guilt" it would be over the fact that you are cheating on your husband and have already done so with your ex, too, already.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Don't be one of those spouses that resort to an "exit" affair as catalyst for divorce.


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

Ok, i appreciate all of the advice and trust me i am thinking hard. I have not Physically cheated only talked to these 2 men on the phone nothing else. I knew my marriage was over the minute i got feelings for the ex boyfriend. if i could do that than it is over. I never wanted this, i wanted him to want to fix us, i dont want this life for myself or my daughter. My daughter does not want to choose between her parents thats why she wants to stay. I have to stay cuz he cant be trusted as a parent to be responsible. When i tell him i want to leave he begs me to stay till she graduates? that is 3 yrs. I am at a loss, if he gave me what these guys are willing to give me, i would never even consider this. I am so lonley i cant even tell u. its like he wants me to be miserable and thinks there is nothing i can do about it.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Well as I'm sure you already know, a drug addict (and alcoholic) will only get off the drugs or booze when THEY are ready to. Nobody can force them to, before that. Sounds like your hubby has no intention of getting off the stuff and hasn't for a long time. In this situation, i would say that if you don't like how things currently are, you should leave. He isn't going to change. You cannot live your life with an addict. His most important relationship is with his addiction and you will always come second to that. Yes, i know it sounds a bit grim but that's how it always works with addictions.

It would probably be easier to just divorce him and move on. Don't worry about mucking around with this other guy until you get divorced because of reasons the other people have probably mentioned. But yeah take a clean break.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have to ask yourself "What kind of man would want to have an affair with a married woman?" the most likely answer "Someone who is looking for an easy lay". 

Unless you don't care to be used as another man's booty call, then go ahead and cheat. But if you want to find a man of quality, you won't find him while being married to another man. And your chances of keeping such a man after knowing that you had an exit affair go significantly down.

I understand your daughter wanting to stay in the home she has grown up in but unfortunately that can't happen because her parents are unable to make the marriage work. She will have to adapt being the child of divorced parents. It is a sad fact of life that plays out every day, everywhere.

Leave the marriage as honorably as you entered it.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

morituri said:


> I understand your daughter wanting to stay in the home she has grown up in but unfortunately that can't happen because her parents are unable to make the marriage work. She will have to adapt being the child of divorced parents. It is a sad fact of life that plays out every day, everywhere.
> 
> Leave the marriage as honorably as you entered it.


:iagree:
It's not that bad. She'll deal with it. Much better than dealing with your cheating.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

My h progressively abused alcohol for years. Looking back, he only cleaned up when he hit bottom: almost losing his job, and then getting an overnight in jail for DUI. If I had known what I was dealing with, I might have actually helped this progress a bit. ANY drunk behind the wheel should be stopped (for the sake of the rest of us and our kids) and if you H is driving this way, have a cop waiting for him along his route home. Then see what he does with it. If he cleans up, you may get your husband back. Wouldn't that be ideal? If not, show your daughter how to save herself. Don't lower yourself. Rise.


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I understand and can relate to what you have said about putting your daughter first. You don't want to take away the only home she knows, especially since she is old enough to have told you she doesn't want to leave. However, you are still fully alive right now and have needs. She is 14 so you have for 4 or 5 more years before she issemi on her own. You shouldn't have to and don't want to wait that long to continue your life to start starting over again. I think you should do whatever you want. If some people consider it cheating, so what. Marriage, defined as a committed, monogamous, loving, connected, and fulfilling relationship, can start long before and without a marriage license or ceremony. A marriage can end long before and without a legal or official separation or divorce.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

You have no obligation to wait 3 years to start divorce proceedings. File now. 

You can always stop the process at any time before it's final. It may even give your husband the kick in the pants he needs. Because if losing his wife and child aren't enough for him to make real, lasting changes, there's not much that will.


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## Santofimio (Oct 26, 2011)

Emotional/Physical affairs are also an addiction in and of themselves. You have definitely realized that your contact with another man can lead to that type of addiction. So First of all, as a BS (betrayed spouse) I credit you for reaching out to this forum for advice before going any further. 

Your husband isn’t going to stop his addiction on account of what he’s doing to himself. He’s going to have to realize how much and in what ways it’s affecting everyone else besides him. The same went for my wife, it wasn’t until she realized how much her affair was affecting me and everyone else that she started to end it.

I neglected my wife, for two years prior to and one year after our marriage due to my addiction to a video game. While my former addiction isn't generally viewed to be as damaging to oneself & others as an addiction to drugs, alcohol, or an affair is, I feel as if it was just as damaging to my marriage as those other addictions would have been. The only difference is, I eventually got bored of the video game and stopped playing on my own. That’s alot harder to do when dealing with a chemical addiction. You won’t be able to stop yourself from having a full blown affair once you get addicted to the OM fulfilling your emotional needs.

With that said, I see the affair as her telling me she was unhappy and that the marriage was over. But I'm 100% positive she would tell you herself that the affair hurt her, me, our friends, and our families, 50 times more than telling me she was unhappy and wanted a divorce would have.

You have more than enough justification for ending the marriage, it’s up to you to end it the right way. Please do yourself, & children a favor by at least telling your husband you want a divorce and why. Doing that doesn't mean its final, but if it doesn't make him #1 take the necessary steps to end his addiction and #2 start caring about you, then you will have ended the marriage in the least painful way, to yourself and everyone else, possible.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Please research Al-Anon for yourself before taking any actions. Call them, they will understand the pain you have in being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict.

This fellowship is for people effected by alcoholism in their lives by those they love.

Good luck.


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

I AM currently in Alonon and it does help, I have told my husband i want a divorce, he just begs me to stay till out daughter finishes school? He has been in jail so many times i cant even count, one being a DUI, we r still paying off fines from his carlessness. I am married to a selfish child. He wants to keep me in the home but does not want to make any efforts as far as husband and wife go? My mom lived this way for so long and she ate so much because of the unhappiness it killed her last year, which BTW I am also still dealing with. I am NOT dumb enough to let anyone find out anything about what i may or may not do in my personal life, so affecting my daughter with an affair is out of the question. I am leaning tward not doing it, but i need human contact ya know? I dont want a realationship with another man as far as gf /bf goes I just want contact, and talking and made to feel wanted and important ya know? why is it so bad to want those things? he wont let me divorce him, she wont let me leave, i am on ant-depressants and anxiety meds from my screwed up life, i dont know where to go from here?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

wife2 said:


> I AM currently in Alonon and it does help, I have told my husband i want a divorce, he just begs me to stay till out daughter finishes school? He has been in jail so many times i cant even count, one being a DUI, we r still paying off fines from his carlessness. I am married to a selfish child. He wants to keep me in the home but does not want to make any efforts as far as husband and wife go? My mom lived this way for so long and she ate so much because of the unhappiness it killed her last year, which BTW I am also still dealing with. I am NOT dumb enough to let anyone find out anything about what i may or may not do in my personal life, so affecting my daughter with an affair is out of the question. I am leaning tward not doing it, but i need human contact ya know? I dont want a realationship with another man as far as gf /bf goes I just want contact, and talking and made to feel wanted and important ya know? why is it so bad to want those things? he wont let me divorce him, she wont let me leave, i am on ant-depressants and anxiety meds from my screwed up life, i dont know where to go from here?


Why are you letting other people control your life? Neither of those people can stop you from doing what you want to do unless you let them. Perhaps do some reading on co-dependent relationships.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

wife2 said:


> I AM currently in Alonon and it does help, I have told my husband i want a divorce, he just begs me to stay till out daughter finishes school? He has been in jail so many times i cant even count, one being a DUI, we r still paying off fines from his carlessness. I am married to a selfish child. He wants to keep me in the home but does not want to make any efforts as far as husband and wife go? My mom lived this way for so long and she ate so much because of the unhappiness it killed her last year, which BTW I am also still dealing with. I am NOT dumb enough to let anyone find out anything about what i may or may not do in my personal life, so affecting my daughter with an affair is out of the question. I am leaning tward not doing it, but i need human contact ya know? I dont want a realationship with another man as far as gf /bf goes I just want contact, and talking and made to feel wanted and important ya know? why is it so bad to want those things? he wont let me divorce him, she wont let me leave, i am on ant-depressants and anxiety meds from my screwed up life, i dont know where to go from here?


Just because he begs you to delay a divorce, it doesn't mean you have to. Just file already.


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

say i do file, then where does that leave my daughter? I dont want her to hate me for uprooting her life. If it were not for her I would have left 12 yrs ago, but i did not want her to grow up without a father like i did or my son had to go between both parents cuz his dad left, i just wanted to give her a normal life.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

1. Filing does not mean that you are immediately divorced. This is a process that takes time. And you can stop the process at any time.

2. Do you really believe that a father like your husband is truly better than no father at all? 

3. It is possible that filing may motivate your husband to clean up his act. And if he is so far gone that filing does not cause any lasting changes, then you made the right decision to file anyway.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

wife2 said:


> i just wanted to give her a normal life.


With all due respect, this is ridiculous. How is having a dad who is in/out of jail "normal?" Having no dad is better than a dad who is present but constantly drunk.

Don't have the affair. You will regret it. Short term fun vs. long term guilt/regret. You know that or you wouldn't be here.

Get a divorce. Then start a new relationship. Best wishes, I'm rooting for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wife2 said:


> say i do file, then where does that leave my daughter? I dont want her to hate me for uprooting her life. If it were not for her I would have left 12 yrs ago, but i did not want her to grow up without a father like i did or my son had to go between both parents cuz his dad left, i just wanted to give her a normal life.


So you prefer to raise your child in an environment with an alcoholic? You prefer to raise your child in an unloving environment? 

Cool.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

wife2 said:


> say i do file, then where does that leave my daughter? I don't want her to hate me for uprooting her life.


She may resent you but it will be nothing compared to the hatred she will have for you if she finds out that you cheated on her father, causing him pain and then divorced him. The marital issues that caused the divorce will pale in comparison with your betrayal.



> If it were not for her I would have left 12 yrs ago, but i did not want her to grow up without a father like i did or my son had to go between both parents cuz his dad left, i just wanted to give her a normal life.


Your intentions were noble but shortsighted. A marriage is the foundation on which a family thrives. If that foundation is broken, the family will suffer for it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wife2 said:


> say i do file, then where does that leave my daughter? I dont want her to hate me for uprooting her life. If it were not for her I would have left 12 yrs ago, but i did not want her to grow up without a father like i did or my son had to go between both parents cuz his dad left, i just wanted to give her a normal life.


Why would you have to leave and uproot your daughter if you file for divorce? I don't get it.

How normal of a life has she had with an addicted father who spends lots of time in jail?


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## wife2 (Nov 22, 2011)

Our house is in only his name, if i file for divorce, he will surely kick me out, and i am not leaving without her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Divorcing him doesn't mean she doesn't have a dad. It means you don't have a husband. He'll still be her father.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

wife2 said:


> Our house is in only his name, if i file for divorce, he will surely kick me out, and i am not leaving without her.


Even if it's in his name, it's still a community asset. Did you buy it since you got married, has there been mortgage payments made?

the law is designed to protect women and mothers from being kicked out the way you describe.

In fact if he threatens you - your lawyer can get a restraining order and he'll be out - of his own house despite the name on the deed.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

wife2: Have you spoken to your sponsor?

Please get an attorney's advice on your rights. Do not leave the marital home. Proceed with what you know and feel is right. No-one can really advise you about your feelings. If you are really at the end and have made a decision, then a lawyer is your next step and can advise you legally. Write your questions and schedule an appointment.

Best of luck, my heart goes out to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wife2 said:


> Our house is in only his name, if i file for divorce, he will surely kick me out, and i am not leaving without her.


Go see an attorney and get advice on this. The fact is that while the house is in your husband's name it is the marital home, your home and your daughter's home. You husband cannot kick you out. Nor can you kick him out. It takes a court order to have someone removed from their home.

With is history of alcohol, DUIs and jail time the court could very well ask him to leave the home for a while until your daughter graduates. It would be reasonable to request this because of his history. Obviously leaving a teen girl with him would not be wise.

He could get use of the home back after that. 

As for income, if you needed some support financially the court would see to interim support and child support. 
How much money have you contributed to house payments? Depending on the state you live you could very well have a right to 50% of the equity in the house. 

Until you talk to an attorney you will not know your rights. You are making assumptions that are not valid.

What state do you live in? It's not hard to find these things out..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bee honest with him, he may be open to an open marriage?


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