# My boyfriend wants to start Dom/sub stuff?



## Noelle456 (Apr 8, 2015)

We are both divorced in our early twenties. We have been dating for 7 months. All we have ever done is regular sex, which I have been satisfied with. But he wants to start being a dominant and for me to be his submissive. I am really nervous about it. First, I don't know how to do these things, and second I was in a highly abusive marriage. SO is the only man I've ever felt completely safe with and I don't want that to change. His ex wife wouldn't do it and I know it means a lot to him so I really want to do this for him.

I'm just very nervous bout this in general. What if I screw up? What if I hate it and he loves it and he's unsatisfied? What if he gets to where that's all he wants?

If I do want to do this, where do I get information? I have no clue what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Has he offered to look up and read about stuff together with you? Why should you be left to figure it all out on your own if he's the one who wants it?


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## Gob Bluth (Jul 12, 2010)

I'd say start light and let him know about your past experience.

Does he want to include bondage at all - or just being assertive?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Noell456
Nothing wrong with D/S play IF and ONLY IF both are really into it. If this is not appealing to you, please do not do it - it will not end well for either of you.

If you do want to do it, then a few rules:

1) safe word. Always have something you can say / do that will instantly end the games. Violating a safe word turns play into rape. (there are no second chances on this).

2). Talk beforehand about what things you are both interested in doing. D/S can mean all sorts of different things to different people. Does he want to call you a dirty svlt while having normal sex, or does he want to beat you with a belt until you cry? Does he just want you to call him "sir?". (all these are fine if both enjoy, and bad if they don't). 


Just for reference I have one female friend who let me know she was into this. She told me a story that when she was growing up, she would play with her barbie dolls by tying them up.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Noelle456 said:


> We are both divorced in our early twenties. We have been dating for 7 months. All we have ever done is regular sex, which I have been satisfied with. But he wants to start being a dominant and for me to be his submissive. I am really nervous about it. First, I don't know how to do these things, and second I was in a highly abusive marriage. SO is the only man I've ever felt completely safe with and I don't want that to change. His ex wife wouldn't do it and I know it means a lot to him so I really want to do this for him.
> 
> I'm just very nervous bout this in general. What if I screw up? What if I hate it and he loves it and he's unsatisfied? What if he gets to where that's all he wants?
> 
> If I do want to do this, where do I get information? I have no clue what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!


Hi Noelle. If you've not done so already, you should share your concerns with your boyfriend. Ask him to discuss with you what he likes about domination, and what his role as Dominant would entail. His expectations might clear up any uncertainty you have over whether or not you want to explore this with him. 

There is a plethora of information out there about this kink, so the two of you might want to start researching and reading and sharing the things you learn. There is absolutely no "right" or "wrong" way to be a submissive, so don't worry about that. There is no guarantee that you will be attracted to being a submissive, and even if you are it doesn't mean that you'll automatically be a good match for your boyfriend's style of domination.

Some folks just do D/s in the bedroom, others consider it a lifestyle. There is a lot learn, and once you're ready to try it, the only way to figure out how it will best work is to try it and make adjustments as you go. *The most important thing is that you communicate very clearly and honestly with one another every step of the way, and that you respect one another's boundaries.*

Google is your friend, but I will point you to one blog I like. It's full of writings by submissives of all types, and is a good way to see that, even in the kink community, there is little consensus about what submission looks like--except that it is always by consent. 

http://sccwriting.tumblr.com/


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Anything youre scared to do I WOULDNT DO!

I dont care who the #[email protected]%/ he is.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Noelle - your nervousness is natural. There are any number of scary images this sort of thing can bring to mind. But there are as many variations on this sort of thing as there are people.

The advice you've gotten is good. And you won't screw up if this moves forward. You will both learn, that's all. I'm assuming your boy friend will be patient and considerate if you explore this with him.

Note I keep using the word if. Don't do anything you don't feel you can. Trust and positive, open communication, always important, is essential if this door is opened. Anything should be consensual.

The Internet is full of advice on this sort of thing. Google D/s or BDSM.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Just for reference I have one female friend who let me know she was into this. She told me a story that when she was growing up, *she would play with her barbie dolls by tying them up.*



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Noelle456 said:


> ...All we have ever done is regular sex, which I have been satisfied with. But he wants to start being a dominant and for me to be his submissive. *I am really nervous about it.* First, *I don't know how to do these things*, and second *I was in a highly abusive marriage*. SO is the only man I've ever felt completely safe with and I don't want that to change. *His ex wife wouldn't do it and I know it means a lot to him *so I really want to do this for him.
> 
> I'm just very nervous bout this in general. What if I screw up? What if I hate it and he loves it and he's unsatisfied? What if he gets to where that's all he wants?
> 
> If I do want to do this, where do I get information? I have no clue what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!


First, you need to talk to your B-friend.....a lot. Share with him both your concern over not knowing and your concern over flashbacks to an abusive relationship. 

D/s can be a lot of different things to different people. It can be gentle romantic serving your partner or doing light role playing to extreme inflicting of pain and humiliation. You have every right to be nervious and want to know what he means by D/s. Have him paint you a verbal picture of what his ideal D/s session would look like, before you agree to anything. 

Ask him what it is about this mental image that sexually excites him? Ask him if doing this will make him love you more and respect you more. Ask him what he expects you to get out of a D/s session or is it just about him using you? Ask him if there are other ways that you can pleasure him or excite him that will make him feel as complete and bonded to you. But above all ask him if you can take turns with him being the submissive every so often, just so he better understands the full emotional dynamics of what he is asking of you.

If he is looking at anything other than very mild D/s, based on your sexual abuse by your ex, he really needs to become an expert on "after-care" before he starts as he could put you over an emotional edge and not know how to bring you back safely from that edge.

There are lots of internet resources out there, lots of books at Amazon and the whole 50 shades thing has sparked new interest in the topic.

Good luck and don't agree to do anything that you are not willing to do.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think it's pretty normal to be intimidated by new things. Then pop culture stuff like fifty shades comes out and now everyone thinks they are an expert. 

If this is both your first go around with this look up stuff together. Especially the practice and application of safe words. Start slow, no anal plugs and nipple clamps I'm one sitting lol

Communication is key.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Divorced in your early 20s?

Did you get married at 16?


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Noelle, does your bf know you were in a abusive relationship? Having this dynamic can be very fulfilling but only if its done in a healthy way and with a lot of communitcation with the both of you. I suggest you talk with him on what he wants to do and how far to take it. You in return need to be very open and honest in what you are comfortable with. If any of this is not up to your liking (especially with abuse in your past) you need to tell him and together work on boundries you are safe with.

Best of luck.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Noelle456 said:


> We are both divorced in our early twenties. We have been dating for 7 months. All we have ever done is regular sex, which I have been satisfied with. But he wants to start being a dominant and for me to be his submissive. I am really nervous about it. First, I don't know how to do these things, and second I was in a highly abusive marriage.* SO is the only man I've ever felt completely safe with and I don't want that to change.* His ex wife wouldn't do it and I know it means a lot to him so I really want to do this for him.
> 
> I'm just very nervous bout this in general. What if I screw up? What if I hate it and he loves it and he's unsatisfied? What if he gets to where that's all he wants?
> 
> If I do want to do this, where do I get information? I have no clue what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!


I've bolded a different part because it is important and illustrates one of your misconceptions about D/s. The fact that you Trust him is the most important factor in doing this. In fact you should never do anything like this unless you really trust the partner.

The fact that you have been in an abusive relationship is worrying. A submissive is the person who says stop. You have to be able to do that. Are you strong enough to stop when it needs to stop? If you are not, this can actually help you gain that power. 

You worry that you don't know how to do this. There are two ways of looking at this. As the survivor of an abusive relationship you have experience to draw on. But, and this is HUGE. Your experience is not in enjoying this kind of play but in fearing it. That flip is the dangerous part that we are all worried about. He could do or say something that could trigger a panic / bad memory in you. It could put you out of control. He might not recognize the symptom. 

In your situation you should talk the entire event through before starting. You should probably have a double safe word. A word you say, and something you just drop to stop the action. 

You need to be able to make mistakes and trust him to be ok with that. He is also a beginner. If it turns out that this is all he wants then the relationship is already in danger of ending.

I Would be much happier if you two had more history before you start this experiment. I also think that you should try at least once before a long term commitment. You need to know.

MN


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## feeling lost (Oct 17, 2009)

Nothing wrong with it but just be prudent. What exactly does he want to do. Mild spanking OK - but both must "suffer". 

Would need to know a lot more to comment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A submissives journey ~ The Beginners Guide to D/s


Submission + Dominance: The Beginners' Guide - About Fcking TimeAbout Fcking Time Not Safe For Work!

An Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Domination – As Told by an Oregonian. Questionable for work due to the pictures in the ads but not the web site itself.

Research together, talk openly and honestly. If you feel unable to be honest due to shame or fear, be honest about that too.

It's okay to be turned on by this, it's also okay to NOT be turned on by this. Just be honest.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

From that Oregonian piece:

_"The truth about what we do is that it’s nothing more than playing with our brains and our bodies so we can have way better sex. It’s also an arena where people can work through the natural power dynamics that arise in all human relationships in a healthy way._"


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

I think Pink has some good advice there.


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