# I cheated Help me fix it!



## angelinawatkins1973 (Apr 3, 2013)

Last November my husband was going through some hard times at work and withdrew quite a bit. Ignoring me etc.. An x boyfriend from 13 years ago contacted me through facebook and we started a dialogue. It was very innocent, catching up on old times and talking about our current situation with marriage and kids etc. My husband found out about it and was devastated. He says I cheated eventhough we are in different states and I never hooked up with him. He feels angry and a big blow to his ego. He stuffed it and pretended to just get along with me till the other night he just let loose and told me he wasn't over it. He has even talked about moving out for 90 days to get his head on straight. I'm afraid he'll move out and never come back. He is the love of my life and I don't know what to do if I loose him. We started counseling and I don't know if that is helping or not....what do I do to make him not so angry....


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

You either aren't sharing the full extent of your conversation with this man, or your husband is a child.

You can't fix other people you can only act appropriately. Close your facebook or open a joint account with your husband.

What role does this ex have in your life? Is he going to pay the rent, care for you, and go sit in the hospital with you when you get sick?

Intimacy is a function of attention and effort, and a part of maintaining intimacy is limitting potential harmful opposite sex interactions, if you are married and want to stay that way.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You have been dealing with is a quasi emotional affair.

Your husband does not know the extent of your honesty. He thinks 'how far have they gone'? 'How long have they been communicating behind my back?' 'Have they met?' 'Have they done more?'

Here is a great example of how things begin posted by F-102.


*Quote:
Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?*


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm missing the part where you cheated?


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## angelinawatkins1973 (Apr 3, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> I'm missing the part where you cheated?


HUH! me too but thats what he says...and now he just wants me to leave him alone. he won't touch me at all he completelt is withdrawn


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

So there was absolutely no flirting between you and the ex, no exchange of numbers or photos, and your husband has looked through the chat log? 

This story feels like it's missing some details or information.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

angelinawatkins1973 said:


> HUH! me too but thats what he says...and now he just wants me to leave him alone. he won't touch me at all he completelt is withdrawn


More to this than meets the eye, perhaps?

Is there any reason why he feels it went further than it did? Has the ex-boyfriend contacted him without your knowledge? Or has someone else contacted your husband and stirred the pot?

Is there something your husband is not telling *you?*:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

carolinadreams said:


> So there was absolutely no flirting between you and the ex, no exchange of numbers or photos, and your husband has looked through the chat log?
> 
> This story feels like it's missing some details or information.


*
Unless it is stuff that AW could not be expected to know?* This has set my spidey sense tingling...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he withdrew and was ignoring you before this communication with the ex-boyfriend, then your problems aren't really related to the ex boyfriend. It's a handy excuse or justification for your husband, though. What's his real problem with you? The marital problems began long before this ex-boyfriend business.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Your contact with the ex is more than likely unnecessary. Friendly contact with other males I would arrogantly assume your spouse would have no problem, but the topic is focused on an ex lover/ex bf. Completely different than a mutual male friend of both you and your husband.

If need be a reason for your spouse reaction, its because he is jealous and he doesn't want you to speak to past/ex lovers. 

Stay transparent, offer him transparency. Tell him you have no secrets, he can go through everything, give him your cell password, email passwords, FB passwords, everything. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear, nothing to lie about when you are transparent and the facts are easily seen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Your contact with the ex is more than likely unnecessary. Friendly contact with other males I would arrogantly assume your spouse would have no problem, but the topic is focused on an ex lover/ex bf. Completely different than a mutual male friend of both you and your husband.
> 
> If need be a reason for your spouse reaction, its because he is jealous and he doesn't want you to speak to past/ex lovers.
> 
> Stay transparent, offer him transparency. Tell him you have no secrets, he can go through everything, give him your cell password, email passwords, FB passwords, everything. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear, nothing to lie about when you are transparent and the facts are easily seen.


Or there is something *he* hasn't told *her*?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Or there is something *he* hasn't told *her*?



Thus far, angelinawatkins has not stated anything in her original post about him. His reaction seems normal to a man who finds out his wife is /was secretly talking to an ex lover/bf, not "secretly" persay but a "you never asked and I thought it was ok". I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but cheaters are really jealous type of people.

Is your husband transparent and honest, no passwords, never deletes internet history, never hides/sleeps with his phone, odd sleep overs at friends, nights out with the "boys" etc?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think we're focusing on the symptom and not the problem. The withdrawal and marital "problems" existed before this guy started his FB contact. By the way, that wasn't "innocent" at all and certainly wasn't "very innocent". A wife who's feeling neglected suddenly and magically begins communicating with an ex boyfriend? I aint buying it and I doubt the husband is, either. I don't communicate with my ex girlfriends on FB. I'd have to "friend" them first and that requires a decision. The OP wouldn't appreciate her husband chatting up one of his ex girlfriends without her knowledge, so she knew that her doing so wasn't "innocent" or harmless, regardless of what they were talking about. Still, the "problems" predated all this facebook stuff, so the origin is elsewhere. This facebook guy is just a little icing on a cake that has been baking a long time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

angelinawatkins1973 said:


> *Last November* my husband was going through some hard times at work and withdrew quite a bit. Ignoring me etc.. An* x boyfriend from 13 years ago* contacted me through facebook and we started a dialogue. It was very innocent, catching up on old times and *talking about our current situation with marriage and kids etc.* My husband found out about it and was devastated.


Have you been talking to your Ex BF since last November without your husband knowing about it?

If you have been discussing the state of your marriage with another man, especially an Ex BF, behind your husband's back - then yeah - that is a form of cheating to me at least. If you can talk to the OM but not your husband, that is the beginning of an Emotional Affair. This is the way numerous affairs start.

If you have been talking to an Ex BF since November not telling your husband and he JUST NOW FOUND OUT, I can understand him being upset. So now on top of being under pressure at the job, now he finds out his wife has been confiding in an Ex BF. If your relationship with the Ex BF was sexual and your husband knows about it then he feels betrayed times 100. 

If I found out that my wife has been Facebooking with an Ex BF since November, I would be upset also. If she had deleted the conversation, I would be more upset. If I was able to read what was said and found that my wife was complaining about me and the state of our marriage, I would blow up.

A little more detail is needed here. I notice you do not say what you HAVE done to help your husband. Have you sent the Ex a message telling him not to contact you again? Have you deleted him from your facebook friends? Have you shown your husband any of this? Or did you continue to communicate with the Ex even after your husband found out?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Angelinawatkins,

for a reason you came here and posted a thread titled "  I cheated help me fix it!"

Solution to your problem would be
NO CONTACT email/message reviewed by your husband
DEFRIENDING and BLOCKING the ex lover/bf from your profile.




Ask for help from your husband. You want to show him that although you may have deceived him you did not do so intentionally to sneak around (I am assuming you didn't by your first post). Become fully transparent.

I can't read your heart, but if you keep up this communication at one point or another you may plant and start growing a deep desire for waywardness (testing boundaries, little by little an inch further at time) aka feeding concupiscence.

Cheating is very reasonable. It all starts off easily and innocently. The AP is reasonable as well. Both parties ask for an inch here and an inch there, then another inch, breaking boundaries by boundaries until bam "I don't know what happened, we were just friends and then it was just a kiss and then we got drunk and he/she asked me to this that other"


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How long have you two been married? 

Any children?

Where does he want to go?

Do you have family nearby? Does he?

Something is rotten in Rotterdam.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

No matter how good or bad things are going in a relationship, exes sre always off limits. Even more so if you are having trouble. That puts you both in a vulnerable position for opposite reasons. In comparison the ex looks good/better. For your husbad, he immeiately and rightly so sees him as after you. A high porportion of affairs are with exes.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know someone that has had an affair started on facebook.

You need to approach this as if you atually had an affair as far as the damage that has been inflicted before it is to late.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, do the two of you go out with out the other?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

i think we're bring trickle truthed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Your husband was withdrawing and ignoring you ONLY because of work stress, and nothing more?

He is now planning to separate ONLY because you confided marital snafus to a former boyfriend, and nothing more?

Sounds illogical. Care to clarify?



Some thoughts, FWIW:

You say you didn’t hook up with the xbf, and that he lives in another state. You don’t say that you would not have hooked up with him anywhichway.

Did you not hook up with the xbf ONLY because he lives in another state? Would you have hooked up, if he were proximate? Does your husband have reasons to believe so – that you would have hooked up, were the OM nearer? It’s not as though people in different states NEVER hook up. 
Did your communications to the xbf reach a stage where a hookup was promised / indicated / sought from either side, and did your husband see this? Is that why your husband is taking a preemptive stand?

*Is there more you are not revealing?*



If not, doesn’t his comparatively overt reaction indicate a pre-existing mindset, your contacting xbf perhaps being just a nudge further? If so, why? Did he beat you to it (is there an xgf he contacted some time ago, perhaps prior to the emotional withdrawal?) Or someone else?

*Is there more you are not aware of?*


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> You have been dealing with is a quasi emotional affair.
> 
> Your husband does not know the extent of your honesty. He thinks 'how far have they gone'? 'How long have they been communicating behind my back?' 'Have they met?' 'Have they done more?'
> 
> ...


Agreed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> How long have you two been married?
> 
> Any children?
> 
> ...


Love it! Rotterdam is an ugly place, not to mention shady!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

angelinawatkins1973 said:


> My husband found out about it


In my opinion,this kind of implies you weren't forthcoming about it with your husband for some reason.Why didn't you bring it up to him if it was completely innocent? Wouldn't you want your husband to be upfront if he was doing this with an ex?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Rule number one of getting help is to tell the person/people you're looking for said help from the full and honest truth. We won't judge you (much...some will but when cheating is concerned on a marriage forum, you should expect it).

Your post WREAKS of omissions, shading and spin control. Please come back on here and tell us, in FULL DETAIL, what really transpired.

I'm going to guess (and yes it's a GUESS).
1. Your husband was struggling with work and shut down emotionally (not hard to do if you've ever been in a really bad place at work.

2. Instead of staying strong for your husband at a time of need for him, you went and looked for attention from another man.

3. The attention you got made you feel all giddy inside so the conversations weren't 100% innocent, they may not have been cybersex, but still, not innocent

4. You hid these conversations from your husband due to number 3

5. You complained a lot about your husband

6. Your husband found these secret, husband bashing, flirty communications with an ex-BF, that were happening during a time where he was in a rough spot and felt (rightfully) betrayed.

7. Now your husband is questioning everything because he lost that most important trust in a marriage

Sound somewhat accurate?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Let your husband read the conversations. Otherwise he will be imagining the worst.

It's not that difficult to avoid contact with an ex-boyfriend, BTW.

Happened to me once. An ex contacted me on FB (and you don't have to be 'friends' to send a message) asking me if I wanted to hook up.

I told him, no thank you very much, I was happily married now and had no desires to 'hook up'.

THEN I TOLD MY HUSBAND.

^^^See what I did there? I told him. No secrets. No lies. He wasn't happy that an ex had been in touch, but that was hardly my fault.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Robsia said:


> Let your husband read the conversations. Otherwise he will be imagining the worst.
> 
> It's not that difficult to avoid contact with an ex-boyfriend, BTW.
> 
> ...


That is how all of these types of issues should be dealt with.

<golf clap> for you Robsia

My wife had a couple ex's do the same and she did exactly what you did. Did the fur in the back of my neck stand up and my adrenaline kick in wanting to hurt someone a bit, yeah...but it wasn't my wife . But she did get some big O's out of it (I like to stake claim if you will by reminding her one of the many reasons I'm her man)


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

My situation is similar to your and not being able to know how bad it got between my wife and her AP still sends my mood south. my wife and I have recovered but, there are still times my mind wonders how far into the Affair script they got.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, was there an existing no contact agreement that you violated or some other marital boundary that you crossed? I'm struggling to figure this one out. Is there more information you can provide?

Thanks
WD


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

What hasn't been mentioned is, was there anything sexual or even considered inappropriate in the conversations with the ex? If not then he is likely either insecure or has his own skeletons to work thru.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Catching up on old times with an ex boyfriend. The "old times" were likely not limited to going to the movies and talking about the weather. If you are catching up on old times with an ex-boyfriend, you are catching up on the entire spectrum. Even if not, consider that's what your husband might be thinking. 

Second, just because it was only on Facebook and you didn't "hook up" or being in different states doesn't mean you didn't cheat. You don't need to be physically involved to cheat. 

Assuming you really only talked about the historical weather data and your marriage/kids, there is still something that upset your husband and you should find out what it is. Could be he took things out of context, could be he's an extremely jealous guy, could be you said something to the ex-boyfriend that you shouldn't have said and it crossed a line with your husband.


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