# Owning Your Stuff



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm actually cribbing some of Deejo's brilliance with this title.

(Of course, that's a naked suckup to the mods so I get the benefit of the doubt next time they consider banning me...)

*************

From reading large volumes of posts, it's pretty clear that the divide between those who are willing to work on relationships and those who are not is this somewhat simple concept.

Yet, the execution of this concept is sometimes difficult.

We are humans, so we are capable of ugly hateful behavior.

Our partners often try to navigate around "our buttons' in an effort to fix the relationship.

Yet, there seems a much clearer path than endless pleading, negotiation, and compromise.

It's called "owning your stuff/shix"

We all have it.

We owe it to ourselves to be as honest as possible about what it is - and how we handle it.

We have no right to expect that we can allow "our stuff" to steamroll relationships without consequences.

Ideally, partners can work together on this.

That's not to say it's easy.

Always be suspicious of the phrase, "It's just how I am".


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Always be suspicious of the phrase, "It's just how I am".


Here's one reason it's not always easy:

when one partner makes sincere and consistent efforts to own their shix...
and the other partner repeats, in various forms, that suspicious phrase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I own mine.

My husband owns his (and has admitted so).

Now, the tricky part is learning to mesh the two together and still get our individual needs met.

And that's where the shix usually hits the fan.

But we're working on it and getting better day by day.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

One technique that helps is what I've heard referred to as "neutral language"

Basically, this means take the word "you" out of your discussions.

Here's the difference.

"Damn, I really hate that didn't work out"

"Damn, you screwed that up"


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> One technique that helps is what I've heard referred to as "neutral language"
> 
> Basically, this means take the word "you" out of your discussions.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

My counselor says the same thing.

Take YOU out.

Replace with I.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> :iagree:
> 
> My counselor says the same thing.
> 
> ...


When I hear the word "you", I hear a judgement.

The conversation immediately becomes personal and dangerous.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> When I hear the word "you", I hear a judgement.
> 
> The conversation immediately becomes personal and dangerous.


Very true - I actually never looked at it that way.

Interesting angle - I'm going to have to remember that.

Thanks.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Very true - I actually never looked at it that way.
> 
> Interesting angle - I'm going to have to remember that.
> 
> Thanks.


My wife and I have agreed that when one of us hears a "you" during disagreement, we will calmly ask the other person to re-phrase their statement.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> When I hear the word "you", I hear a judgement.
> 
> The conversation immediately becomes personal and dangerous.


Some of the things that build resistance / resentment when disciplining a child can be the same with adults. We can learn to argue and discuss effectively by using the same techniques. 

We had an argument about money a couple of nights ago. "I am concerned that if we do what you suggest, we will not have this result." Vs what I wanted to say, you keep suggesting we do that but every time we ever have in the past it has worked out badly. 

Which would *I* rather here? The former me thinks.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Some of the things that build resistance / resentment when disciplining a child can be the same with adults. We can learn to argue and discuss effectively by using the same techniques.
> 
> We had an argument about money a couple of nights ago. "I am concerned that if we do what you suggest, we will not have this result." Vs what I wanted to say, you keep suggesting we do that but every time we ever have in the past it has worked out badly.
> 
> Which would *I* rather here? The former me thinks.


The toughest part is to be accused of using "weasel words" and "talking around" when you modulate the harshness of what your mouth would likely say.

"Venting" is for places like this or for friends.

No need to elephant stomp those you love.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> My wife and I have agreed that when one of us hears a "you" during disagreement, we will calmly ask the other person to re-phrase their statement.


We try this too, but haven't been consistent.
Sometimes when one of us throws the "you," the other feels justified in throwing it right back. 

It's also helpful to WAIT at least 20 minutes and consider the inner reaction to something that comes up, before bringing it up to the other person. After 20 minutes, it may not even be worth it anymore. And if it is still important, the conversation will go much better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's very difficult to solve things "in the moment" - once an emotional hijack starts to happen.

Taking the "you" out of your language lessens the chance of summoning the firefighters from your partner.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Some of the things that build resistance / resentment when disciplining a child can be the same with adults. We can learn to argue and discuss effectively by using the same techniques.


YES.

Sometimes when my H starts ranting, I literally hold up my hand and say: "Whoa. Stop. Hold on." 
or 
"I'm going to need a quiet moment before I respond to that."
or 
"I don't think now is the time for this discussion."

By training, I'm an elementary school teacher. 

It's been a challenging but worthwhile balance to call on the understated and respectful skills, without crossing over into "lecture mode," and inviting my H to yell, "I'm not one of your 4th graders!"

When tensions are high, I am prone to lecture mode.
Which provokes him into defensive mode.

We're working on it.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It's very difficult to solve things "in the moment" - once an emotional hijack starts to happen.
> 
> Taking the "you" out of your language lessens the chance of summoning the firefighters from your partner.


IFS language! Love it!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> IFS language! Love it!


:iagree:

Isn't it great?


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