# Sexless marriage - update



## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi all. So I have posted before, a few months back, about the lack of sex in my marriage and I wanted to follow up.

Still no sex since June 2010 and last night I stated plainly to my wife that I simply cannot tolerate this much longer and I cannot live in a sexless marriage. I did not intend to spark a huge argument, but needless to say, we had a huge argument. Oh, how I yearn for the days when arguments finished up with apologetic make-up sex of the tenderest kind. Now, arguments simply end in tears and sleepless nights and a mutual attempt to forget the problem the next day.

I said she needs to find a way to fix this because I have tried everything. All she could say is that she is tired and gives everything she has into being a mother, and has nothing left to give as a wife. Well I think that is bullsh*t quite frankly. Since when are mothers and wives mutually exclusive things? Since when do mothers stop having sex? It's not like I want sex in the middle of nappy-changing or baby-feeding for Christ sake! Just once a month, love-making quietly in the dead of night would be great. But that's asking too much.

End result she threatened to walk out and leave me. Frankly I was tempted to say "go ahead" - and I would have, if it weren't for the prospect of losing my darling son. Instead I said "you might as well, there's no relationship here any more, no marriage, no sex. If you walk out, I'll get the same amount of sex I've got for the last 2 years". I might as well be a bachelor the way I live now.

I tried to explain that I am not a sex-crazed pervert, I'm just a man, with a man's needs. I LOVE her and I desperately want to be a husband, a lover, a MAN, but thanks to her denial of sex for nearly 2 years, I have lost myself, been rejected time and again by her, cast adrift, cut lose, shut out from the intimacy I once knew. I tried to explain that although we are parents we must also keep hold of a RELATIONSHIP between the two of us. I tried to explain that I was sad. I cried. 

She cried too and then said that she was tired and didn't need this and then she went to sleep.

For some reason I felt compelled to apologise. I held her while she went to sleep. Then I felt myself becoming aroused and had to turn over, and sleep with my hard **** and swollen balls pressed against my pillow, trying to thing of boring things to make me sleep.

I do all I can to help her. I do all I can to take the tiredness away. To be a helpful and supportive father. I work hard to provide for my family. I get NOTHING in return.

Is this the end? Should I quit now, or is there any hope in hell of saving this marriage?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You can't know if it can be saved, until you are prepared to accept leaving as a potential outcome.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Insist on some type of marriage counseling

This is a journey that will end poorly down the line if it isn't handled soon!

I waited my wife out for too long, constantly being assured thigs would get better after the kids (3) were older.

Still waiting and the "kids" are 13, 18 and 21!


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

If she takes hormonal birth control please have her quit and use condoms for awhile.

Your story sounds exactly like mine and hubby while I was on BC pills.

Worth a shot , we went from sex 1x every month or two to 4-6 times a week (average guess)

Anyway we had a happy ending, worth a shot.
I actually joined this blog just to pass this information in the hope it will help some couples bypass alot of pain 

Good luck.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

You need to let her walk out the door next time. Sorry but after reading your back story then this, it seems as if she honestly does not care even a little bit. Let her go. I mean wow. 
How exactly would you lose your child if you got divorced?

P.S. As long as she can blackmail you with tears and threats, that is all you will ever get from her so yes if you keep the same attitude this will NEVER change.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You two should see a MC if you haven't already. Additionally if she really walks out, let her (as painful as that will be). She is using that threat as a bully stick when talking with you and frankly using that as a threat just doesn't help any discussion.


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## didadi (Mar 12, 2012)

You are wasting your time.!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

mousecat said:


> For some reason I felt compelled to apologise. I held her while she went to sleep. Then I felt myself becoming aroused and had to turn over, and sleep with my hard **** and swollen balls pressed against my pillow, trying to thing of boring things to make me sleep.
> 
> I do all I can to help her. I do all I can to take the tiredness away. To be a helpful and supportive father. I work hard to provide for my family. I get NOTHING in return.


So while it is no guarantee, I see one problem here in that your actions don't match your words. Your argue over the lack of sex, then turn around and act like it is really no big deal (while throwing in an apology on top of it). You should not be surprised she has not changed. Your actions are very clearly communicating that what you say on the subject should be ignored. You will likely have little success until you your actions and words align.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

You haven't had sex for TWO years...good grief... how long are you going to wait before you take some real action.

NO-ONE is that tired unless they have some horrid disease or they've been lost in the bush for a month, I'd suggest a full and complete medical she must be very poorly.... then some MC and/or IC.

You've GOT to do something proactive or else you'll be in this same situation in 5 or 10 years times.... hows that grab ya?


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Don't think for a minute it will get better without drastic measures on your part.

Even with drastic measures, the odds are very very slim you will have the kind of relationship you want long-term.

If she figures out you are willing to walk, she might give in for a while, but that renewal will likely end after a relatively short period of time, leaving you even more frustrated, and once again torn because you have bonded to her again. That was my experience, anyway.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

"APPOLOGIZE?!!!" - For what?
"Held her?!!!" - Why?

You are going insane because you are doing the same thing over and over - yielding the same result for two years.
Read: Stop Trying To Make Her Like You | Married Man Sex Life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorce her. She just said she doesn't have time to be your wife.

I really can't stand parents like that. She should have gone to a sperm bank. Dang.


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## DanG (Aug 10, 2011)

There was just mention on NPR Radio about a study done of mothers who have dedicated themselves to their children to the extent of EXCLUSION of their relationship to their husbands. It has been a trend - plague! - among the "hovercraft/soccer moms" in my area. It seems they all compete to see who can raise the 'best kid.' IT GETS NUTS!! My wife and I are one of the few couples (semi-happily married) in the "Mom Network" who are not divorced. It takes work, awareness, gaming, and constant alertness to sh*t testing. This summer she 'slipped' and said something to the effect, "I've got to take care of the kids, you are big enough to take care of yourself." I said nothing, but did act accordingly. I went out and had a good time. When the "Where are you?" and similar texts started coming, my response was "Taking care of myself." I came home when I was d*mn good and ready. The next day I initiated the discussion of "Are you in love with me, or do you just love me like your friend ex-wives X,Y & Z who are now divorced - the ones who gave their husbands the ILYBINILWY speeches?" She assured me that she did love me AND was in love with me. (Had better be - one of her friend ex-wive friends hit on me about 6 months ago.)

Since then (which was about the same time as I discovered Athol), I have been working on myself and being sure I keep a watchful eye on the dynamics of the relationship - with me in role of a Captain "with an edge." Sex is improving AND she is improving. I never would have thought that 18 years of busting my butt professionally to provide for the "cave" that we have/she wanted, would have resulted in a negative impact on our sexual relationship - especially since the cave is better than all the friend ex-wife's caves. I probably spoiled her - by letting her think that my letting her steer the ship was the same as being Captain. Wrong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I love my children. I would die for my children. I am a mother, but I'm a wife first.

Sure, kids need more when they are smaller, but they also sleep. That's when Hubs and I grabbed time for ourselves.

We would work our BUTTS OFF to get the kids to bed and get their needs met so we could have more time together 

My kids are awesome and well rounded, and even though I'm their mommy, I am my husband's wife first. That doesn't mean I ignore my children, I just remember to hang up the mommy hat when they go to bed. 

hell, even when they're awake, I'm still Hubs' wife. Just tonight we were "soooooo disgusting" as we snuggled on the couch playing with the kids. "OMG! Stop touching each other!" our 12 year old said. "It's soooo gross." 

We were just being dumb and snuggling and stealing kisses :rofl: I told her she will be this lucky someday 

There's no excuse to ignore your husband...or wife. If that's the mindset, then set them free.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Yes, and now for the million dollar question. WHY do so many women get this mindset?


No data, so this is coming straight out of my posterior, but my theory is:

It's fallout from NOW's (National Organization for Women) message that women don't need men in their lives (I remember hearing that message alot around my dad's GF growing up). A generation of young women have grown up hearing and believing it. This coupled with lots of men who would rather act like boys and goof around than really be the father to their children... and viola.

While it's true that women don't "need" a man in their life per se... it's sure as heck a lot easier with 2 folks parenting. I think the kids benefit from having a good father around.

Feel free though to tear down my theory, I realize it may be just hot air.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Since she is so devoted to being a good mother, you might point out that the best way to insure your child succeeds academically, stays out of trouble, and avoids poverty is to make sure his father remains in the home. Of course, this won't work because it's a rational argument. If she can't be trusted to attend to the very basic needs of her husband, why would you trust that she'd attend to your child's? What happens if she wakes up some day and doesn't feel emotionally able to feed the kid, take him to the doctor, etc? Dependable adults aren't slaves to their emotions.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m sorry you are going through this, 

Just a comment or two...
After such a long time, there is likely a lot of resentment going on.
I will gently say that reading your post came across as you might not have "heard" her in the way she intended. A bit of a lack of understanding. Thus the resentment.

To explain this.... 
She says she is tired, you say it is BS. That's very hurtful to dismiss someone like that. 
Take a look at that_girl's posts.

You might approach this from another angle. 

Make the time. Ensure stuff is "done", make sure you have alone time, make sure she isn't exhausted, write down who does what and give some stuff up. If it's that important to you, do something about it!!! Remove the excuses by getting a routine going that makes your marriage a priority. And don't say "she should do all that". Take the lead here and show her how. Take action. 

At the very least, she might feel like you are listening to her. It might take awhile for her to come around, if at all.

A counsellor would be a good idea, a neutral way to bounce off the issues that are obviously there. I hope things get better for you


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## glerry12 (Apr 17, 2012)

I may suggest you to talk with your wife regarding these. If problem persist consult a doctor.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

OP,

Your first and biggest mistake was apologizing and crying. When you apologize for asking for a marital sex life you validate her position and make yourself look like an a$$ for arguing about it. When you cry you are NOT ATTRACTIVE. If you are not attractive to her then she will not want to have sex with you. Begging is not foreplay!

Many women have difficulty reconciling being a mother and being a lover. She needs to seek counseling for her duality over her roles. But how you are handling things is not going to get her to seek counseling. Next time stand firm and you initiate the talk about divorce. The way you are handling things will not make things better. They will just get worse.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi mousecat ~

I remember your other posts. I'm sorry that things have not gotten any better.

Has your wife ever had a check-up since the baby was born ... not the typical 6-week check but a physical/screening for post-partum despression, hormone problems (e.g., thyroid), anemia/iron levels, etc. ... to see if her tiredness is more than just the normal new mom fatigue going on? If you are battling physical issues or depression in her, then those physical things will need to be addressed with her first.

Is your wife enjoying being a new mother ...or is she constantly overwhelmed and stressed? It can be a huge transition for many women to go through, and many women don't have a lot of support networks to help them ... their mothers may not be close, their friends may all be at work if they are home, they may feel closed off from the world and things that they once enjoyed.

Is your wife able to get out and do things that she enjoys? Is she able to leave the baby with others so that the two of you can go out and do things together?

Any discussions that you two have need to be done in a non-confrontational manner, and ideally should encompass the overall state of your marriage and what would make both of you engaged and happy in it. Active communication, including both of you actively listening to each other without interruption, is crucial. Otherwise, you run the risk of the other getting very defensive...just like your wife did. She may feel inadequate, tired, drained, and see your demands as selfish if the conversation is only phrased as "she doesn't ever do this for you". However if you approach it as what can make the marriage more mutually satisfying and what you can do for her as well, she may be more willing to listen and cooperate.

What was the reasoning behind not having sex after the pregnancy was discovered? Did you or your wife have some kind of hang-up about that?

Do you think that she could be afraid to have sex right now? Sometimes women are afraid of getting pregnant again ... and for the most part when women go a long time without having sex, it actually is harder for them to get started back up in to it (studies of female/male sexuality have shown this). While a *typical* man will be quicker about having an orgasm and think about it more when he doesn't have sex for a long while, a *typical* woman will be the opposite ... having a much longer time to orgasm and thinking about it less and less.

TAG is absolutely right in that your words and your actions do not line up. As such, you might want to spend some time contemplating how you can get your actions to align with what you are saying ... what steps are you willing to go through and hold your both you and your wife accountable for ... are you willing to calm the waters and work together in a marriage building program ... are you willing to enocurage her to go to the doctor to ensure everything is medically okay ... are you willing to listen and do the things that she may need out of your relationship... are you willing to push yourself to become a better husband and father and man even if you don't feel like it right now...are you willing to push for MC or IC ... are you willing to leave if you get no traction after trying all of the above?

In all of this too, you have to keep in mind that you have a new baby ... an incredible time of transition in everyone's life. While your physical person has not been affected, your emotional person has. But, for your wife, she has had both her physical and emotional person affected. She needs you to be a calm, confident, competent leader in your household so that you can weather this storm and help lead her out of it ... hopefully together and hopefully stronger.

Best wishes.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

mousecat said:


> Still no sex since June 2010 and last night I stated plainly to my wife that I simply cannot tolerate this much longer and I cannot live in a sexless marriage.UOTE]
> 
> Unfortunately you should have had this conversation in July of 2010. Going two years without has shown her you can indeed live in a sexless marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Stories like this make me angry.
> 
> Remind her that she was your WIFE before YOU made her a mom!
> 
> ...


 LadyFrog...lets gang up on her and beat some sense into her. She is so lucky to have a husband who wants her. I don't understand it when women don't have time for their husbands.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Two years without sex with your wife you say? Try three and a half years without sex and you have the story of my previous marriage. I tried EVERYTHING and changed myself physically, mentally and emotionally into a better man (one that had two of her so called best friends hitting on me on more than one occasion) but she still did not desired me sexually. So I finally had enough and filed for divorce. Now I'm in a committed and passionate relationship with a woman who has been more of a wife to me than my ex-wife ever was during the time of our marriage. While I agree that sex is not necessary in order to survive, it is nevertheless a must have in a committed relationship.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

I have such a hard time hearing stories here on TAM about sexless marriages that go on for years at a time. I have no idea how someone could stand that. I consider myself a very patient person, willing to take every measure to fix a problem and tough it out...but YEARS? I have a hard enough time when I go weeks. I believe the longest I have ever gone without (besides when wife gave birth) was around 6 weeks or so...and that about killed me. I just can't fathom years. 
My advice - if you haven't seen a counselor, do it NOW! My guess is that it will be a long shot to get your marriage back to where you want it but give it your best shot, but be ready to pull the plug.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

mousecat said:


> I said she needs to find a way to fix this because I have tried everything. All she could say is that she is tired and gives everything she has into being a mother, and has nothing left to give as a wife.


Our stories sound so similar especially the part I quoted. I agree that the roles of wife/mother can co-exist. I work, come home, help around the house, bathe the baby, put him to sleep, and provide emotional support for W. I'm tired, too, but I'm a husband also. I also compliment her, tell her I love her, tell her to have girl time, etc. I wish I had something to say to help you, but I'm at a loss here as well.

I wish you luck. Please continue to share.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Sex is overrated. Yes I have a sex drive. Yes I like sex.

But I like myself more. So bending over backwards just doesn't work for me.

She is crying because you are making her feel guilty and selfish about her fvcking selfish decision.

So I'd stop asking. The only reason I'd help with the kids is because a) it would make her excuses a lie (if they are a lie) and b) cause I like my kids.

So go be a Dad and not a husband. All your apologies and cuddling is weak and pathetic. 

Now there are likely huge issues in your marriage and I don't know what they are. But either she isn't communicating them with you or you aren't listening. Maybe she gave up on communicating them. Maybe you both suck at communication. Maybe she is just a selfish beeatch.

SHE wants the emotional rubs. You give them to her. You think it's going into this grand 'sex bank' where she will have to pay out a BJ eventually. How is that theory working out for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

It's rough being raised in a single family home. Yeah you receive love from your primary parent but you always want love from that other half. It took me a long time to realize that my Dad did love me and his way of showing love was through his wallet (buying me stuff that I sometimes didnt need). I think thats why you see a lot of couples split after the children become adults and move out. They have nothing left for each other because they never separated or dedicated time to each other. Focused so much on the children that by the time they were long gone and starting their own lives, the couple gets hit with that moment of clarity that I dont know this other person. It sucks but who wants to wake up one day to divorce especially 18 years later? Or 18 years wasted? Either way. When issues like this arise people have to start rearranging their priorities. Some parents just get in that mode of focus on the child and in the midst of that you lose touch with your marriage, being yourself, and everything else around you. 

In this situation, you have got to stop doing the same things! Yes its called insanity. You are not doing anything wrong. You're married, yes you should be entitled to sex. For once its okay, its okay to fornicate. If you are religious this is perfect because in God's eyes its all good. I don't no anyone who got married to stop having sex, thats bs and unheard of. I wish love contracts existed. Sexless marriage would be on that list of things that could automatically (with a deadline included of 6 mos. - year?) forfeit the marriage if, it was up to me. Life is too short to be unhappy. The next thing is are you too nice? Are you too attentive? You say you initiate but are you doing it the same way? Routine is a marriage killer. Be creative, switch it up. Its great to have steak every night but sometimes I just want pasta? Make sense? Just try a little big of everything but thing is you have time. Thought about the thermostat method? Youre probably the hot spouse. Try reversing everything you do now. If you initiate, stop doing that. If you spoon her at night all the time, stop doing that. Just try different stuff. Tried the 180 method? Get a hobby or do the hobby you use to do. If you have done utilized every available resource including counseling, improving yourself and she still wont budge, I'd move on.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You havnt had sex with your wife in 2 years and you told her you cant hold out "much longer" ? I dont get it, doesnt that buy her more time? I dont agree with your approach. I think if I went two weeks, or even the unthinkable, two months Id flip out and leave, you're giving her way too much rope.


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## tiredofexcuses (Nov 10, 2012)

So, I am the woman in the same type of relationship. Been married for 13 years. He has never been the aggressor in our relationship and has always had excuses for our lapses in encounters. Our children are grown now, job is steady, and I have lost 85 pounds in the past year, still nothing has changed. Actually, since I started taking better care of myself, it's gotten worse. Now I'm too skinny. It's been at least 2 months since our last 3 minute romp in the sack. I carry on and don't say anything anymore, but I also do not try to have sex anymore either. I want to be pursued. I feel as if I deserve it. I want passion, intimacy, and romance. None of this has really ever been in our relationship. I am one of those typical people who always thinks that the more time go's on, the better it will get. Wrong. What is so surprising to me is the fact that he NEVER brings it up. I just don't understand how this topic can just be swept under the rug like it's nothing. So, if I were to end up leaving, why in the hell would he be surprised? I know he would be, and this would all come back on me. The "sex isn't the most important part of the relationship" excuse/guilt trip would kick in to full gear. I can't leave because I have children that would be devestated. They adore their dad. But I don't know how long I can go on like this. I feel so ugly, unappreciated, forgotten. I've never really been one to seek out attention from another man, but it sure would be nice just to have someone show some interest. I guess I'd have to portray myself as available, and since I'm not, I don't. It is tempting though. Hell, just a wink in my direction would be so great! You aren't alone, for sure. I know it's so frustrating. I don't know what to do either.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP I feel you.... also currently stuck but we are getting there.

Best advice be prepared to let her go.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

My heart breaks when I time and time again read crap like this. I blame you for allowibng this to continue. You can't control your spouse. You can only control yourself. You have allowed you marriage to decay into a room mate relationship. Find your balls and file for divorce. If she chooses to wake up and do something about her pathology, great. If not, fine too. Stop rewarding her misbehavior with all your acts of service and affection. Stop pursuing her


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

*
I do all I can to help her. I do all I can to take the tiredness away. To be a helpful and supportive father. I work hard to provide for my family. I get NOTHING in return.

Is this the end? Should I quit now, or is there any hope in hell of saving this marriage?[/QUOTE]*


It is time for you to move out. Get an apartment, call it a trial seperation. Indicate this is based on your working on this marriage to have a healthy loving intimate relationship and she is not in it 100%. So get a 6 month lease, move on out...and if she does not call you the entire 6 months - consider it a sign. Apparently she does not care if you are not happy and not willing to give.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

. Find your balls and file for divorce. If she chooses to wake up and do something about her pathology, great. If not, fine too. Stop rewarding her misbehavior with all your acts of service and affection. Stop pursuing her[/QUOTE]

Excellent advice. Heed it and get out. I am sure you are past counseling, talking, and trying. Make a major move and leave.


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