# Update: Married to a selfish lover......



## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

This is a two-month update to a thread I made below: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/52965-help-selfish-lover-please.html

We had the talk, a really serious talk about my needs and her needs. What has to change and what the potential roadblocks she has (or I have) preventing a normal, mutually fulfilling sex life. I was open and sympathetic, but not demanding or outright begging. She was not so sympathetic. She narcissistically interpreted this more as somehow a rejection of her, and essentially while recognized I had needs that weren't being met, told me in so many words she wasn't ready to 'meet them'.

A week later she produced a sex toy (for her), which she told me sees a lot of use, and we've made love twice since (2 months).

As anyone can imagine, I'm both incredibly pissed off and sad at the same time. It's taking over our marriage and I don't want it to. It was never like this for over half of our marriage, her sexuality (pre-menopause maybe?) has clearly changed. In a completely selfish way.

It's never been more clear that she has developed an unhealthy mental condition over the years and we're both over our heads. Yesterday I told her that she needs to see a doctor and a sex therapist or whoever else it takes to get some answers, and I'll be with her to provide whatever support she needs. Or we go see a marriage counselor. Because I'm willing to save the marriage only if she is willing and open to get the help she needs in order to recognize me as a lifelong partner with physical and emotional needs. Otherwise I'm gone. I need to protect myself and won't be in a relationship which causes me to be clinically depressed. She says she is willing, we'll see.

Any support or advice is welcome, wish I had better news.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

You are the lover, not her..... The fact it is just about getting her there and then done, does not at all translate to her being a lover.

To add insult she pulled out a sex toy and showed it off?????!!!!!! Seems she's told you you've been replaced.....

Can the toy earn a living and put a roof over her head (es being sexist)????


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I'll take a chance and just say that there may be more to her attitude she is displaying than that toy. You may well find out that you were replaced long ago and only recently have you caught on.
Been there.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

Quote:"Yesterday I told her that she needs to see a doctor and a sex therapist or whoever else it takes to get some answers, and I'll be with her to provide whatever support she needs."
Hey, it is not about her it is about YOU and her. You need counselling, she needs too. What did you contribite to the whole thing? You did I'm sure. Mariage problems are always problems of TWO people and there is no guilt but problems are caused by one partner to 50% and by the other partner to 50%. Get advice.


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

appletree said:


> ....
> Hey, it is not about her it is about YOU and her. You need counselling, she needs too. What did you contribite to the whole thing? You did I'm sure....


I completely agree, we're a package deal, and I want to understand any possible way I contributed to where we are now. At this point I'm stumped and am pursuing IC as well. It may not have sounded right in my post, but I do want her to see a doctor to rule in/out any physical issues, and a counselor qualified in sorting out intimate relationship issues.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. But she agreed to go with you to get help. So see if she keeps her word. I am wishing you goodluck with this matter. *


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

If she does not agree go on your own it still might help. Maybe its really the menopause and maybe she has problems accepting that seh's aging - only a possibility.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

i would leave!!

who knows where to begin in explaining the flaws that exist in a selfish person. OH and its not going to change ANYTIME SOON

best bet you pack your bags and leave seek someone who is truly happy, ready to give love and is NOT selfish. Selfishness can lead you down a dark unhappy road.


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