# What Is Wrong With You?



## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

That 15 Things post got me thinking. It's all well and good to sit on your laurels and tell others how to succeed in *their* relationships, how to be the good little wifey and the strong, manly, husband....but obviously that doesn't go over so well. It takes self reflection for people to REALLY be able to see where they can contribute to changes in their relationships. Not lists of someone else's ideal characteristics. 

Do you know your own faults or do you focus on your spouse as the cause of problems? I know I've been guilty of this. We as humans tend to have big blind spots when it comes to our own shortcomings. I think self awareness of personal traits that are less than desirable, and a willingness to work on those traits is something that will make a marriage function so much more smoothly than when both partners focus on the faults of the other. 

If you were to look at yourself and your marriage what would you say your worst traits are? Ones that you need to be aware of and need to work on?

For me, I know I am arrogant and insensitive. Well, I get told I am insensitive, I don't usually notice till after the fact. Dh doesn't like the way I talk to people so I try to be more aware, so as not to offend him. So that is my work in progress.:smthumbup:


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I am emotionally retarded. I often act like I don't care about something because....I don't. My ex was very emotional about stuff, I think that pissed him off


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I am stubborn at times. Really bull headed


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

When we were first married, I was a pouter during arguments. I would pull back into my shell, not talk to my husband, refuse to tell him what I was thinking or why I felt hurt. He cured me of that! He would keep after me until I told him what was wrong. I now preach the value of open communication and fair fighting in a marriage.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> I am emotionally retarded.


It's not PC but it's an apt description of myself also. I've been struggling with a low self esteem and self doubt my entire life and on top of that I'm a terrible communicator (I keep things to myself and instead try to please everyone else). 

I also choose men who I have no business being with. Abuse, drugs, lying, cheating - the whole deal. I now know that so much of this is my own doing. I can't change others, only myself. 

Lastly I think that I have difficulties in really connecting on an intimate level with most people, not just in romantic relationships. I have become too cynical and stubborn.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

LOL.. well I'm way too emotional. I cry far too easily. It's a bit pathetic really.

I cry when I'm happy ( I laugh till I cry often) and when I'm sad. My eyes fill up when I'm feeling love and pride for my boys... especially. Heck...even adverts on the TV can make me cry. 

All my boo-hooing has made it very difficult for my hubby to tell me 'difficult' stuff. He hates my tears and has withheld information in the past because he couldn't handle the OTT reaction from me.

So my mission has been to pull up my big girl panties and stifle back those tears at inappropriate times.

I find this very difficult...it requires me to deep breathe and think of things like laundry and feeding the cat... all while hubby is spilling his guts or telling me some bad news.

It's definitely a work in progress!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Stubbornness. Not like anyone could tell, right? 

I tend to have a bit of a temper...again, not news to anyone here lol. But I get that from my dad. He taught us girls not to take shyt from anyone.... including a spouse. Yes, my husband and I have butted heads over the years. And my stubbornness has contributed to many arguments... as has his. But, if it is shown to me that I am in the wrong, I apologize to him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm a "fixer". I can't seem to just listen to my wife's frustration without jumping in with suggestions or trying to fix whatever's wrong. I'm also used to hearing disrespect and insults without responding. I end up tolerating crap way longer than I should and when I finally do react, it's apparently a little scary. 
I'm less than tolerant of weakness, laziness, emotional outbursts, and people who get hysterical over Mickey Mouse B.S. To me, an emergency involves gunfire, blood, broken bones, etc. A store no longer carrying a particular brand of eyeliner or a woman wearing an identical dress as my wife's at a party doesn't hit my panic button. I've been known to come across as less than empathetic. I can show unbelievable empathy and compassion at work....for about 20 minutes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> It takes self reflection for people to REALLY be able to see where they can contribute to changes in their relationships.





> I think self awareness of personal traits that are less than desirable, and a willingness to work on those traits is something that will make a marriage function so much more smoothly than when both partners focus on the faults of the other.














> If you were to look at yourself and your marriage what would you say your worst traits are? Ones that you need to be aware of and need to work on?


Knowing our own demons & being humble enough to admit them before our partners is ....HUGE ...for communication & workability in all our relationships, including friends and family...

When Practiced, confessing our faults humbly...apologizing when necessary...owning our own hand..being able to say "YOU ARE RIGHT".. this goes a tremendous way.

I know my faults...I've tried to refine them over the years...I could list them in a heart beat... the thing that saves us in our marriage is ....our compatibility....We THINK so much alike, wanting similar things...that we don't fight all that much... But I have my moments... I can't say they rub HIM all that bad... 

*I.* When I want something... I can be *Impatient *
*2.* Sassy tongue / Sarcastic 
*3*. I yell too much at the kids 
*4*. inwardly critical of behavior I frown upon - though I contain it.
*5.* Sappy - but my husband likes this. 
*6*. I need locked in a cage during PMS - with duct tape over my mouth...if I start to get annoyed over something.. (I am exaggerating! ~ couldn't help myself)


The Importance of Self-Awareness  



> No one is perfect. We all have our “quirks” and unique personalities, and sometimes these can even make us cute, special or endearing to many. However, some “quirks” are a bit less attractive, and when they are, *self-awareness *is somewhat critical in either improving upon them or managing their impact on others.
> 
> That said, many people aren’t self-aware or aren’t self-aware ALL of the time. Maybe it is someone at the gym who thinks that all of the equipment is his or her very own and doesn’t like to share. Or, maybe it is a family member who believes that they are always right and that the rest of the world is wrong. Or, maybe you work with a colleague who just doesn’t have any sense of how they bully others. Some of these people can produce continual toxicity in our lives, while others may cause only a momentary frustration. Whoever or whatever the case may be, these people are among us.
> 
> ...





> *So how self-aware are you? Here are a few questions to ask*:
> 
> *** Do you listen to others during a conversation? Or, do you tend to do a lot of the talking?
> 
> ...


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Stubbornness. Not like anyone could tell, right?
> 
> I tend to have a bit of a temper...again, not news to anyone here lol. But I get that from my dad. He taught us girls not to take shyt from anyone.... including a spouse. Yes, my husband and I have butted heads over the years. And my stubbornness has contributed to many arguments... as has his. But, if it is shown to me that I am in the wrong, I apologize to him.


Maricha...you? Stubborn? No! 


waiwera said:


> LOL.. well I'm way too emotional. I cry far too easily. It's a bit pathetic really.
> 
> I cry when I'm happy ( I laugh till I cry often) and when I'm sad. My eyes fill up when I'm feeling love and pride for my boys... especially. Heck...even adverts on the TV can make me cry.
> 
> ...


Sounds like me. I'm so emotional to the point of it being embarrassing. I have cried over things that seem minor to my husband and he has actually left the room, which makes me cry even harder. I don't do it to make anyone feel guilty. It is just my natural reaction to stressful or happy situations. 

I want to be able to hide my emotions better so my husband will feel more comfortable talking to me about difficult things.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I talk too much. That's probably why I miss my H so terribly when he is traveling. He is the only one who can choose to listen or not when I talk, and it doesn't bother me which one he chooses. Sometime he just straight up tunes me out and he say my talking becomes like soothing background noise.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> That 15 Things post got me thinking. It's all well and good to sit on your laurels and tell others how to succeed in *their* relationships, how to be the good little wifey and the strong, manly, husband....but obviously that doesn't go over so well. It takes self reflection for people to REALLY be able to see where they can contribute to changes in their relationships. Not lists of someone else's ideal characteristics.


Is that how you read my post in the 15 things thread? That I was telling women how to be a good wife? Holy cow I never considered that!

Hmmm, got any suggestions on what I might write differently so as NOT to leave that impression? I specifically avoiding going into too much detail about the parts I was doing because it would have been too long a post and I just wanted to open discussion. But maybe I should have been less circumspect?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Is that how you read my post in the 15 things thread? That I was telling women how to be a good wife? Holy cow I never considered that!
> 
> Hmmm, got any suggestions on what I might write differently so as NOT to leave that impression? I specifically avoiding going into too much detail about the parts I was doing because it would have been too long a post and I just wanted to open discussion. But maybe I should have been less circumspect?


No, I wasn't making a reference to you Anon. I know you posted that list as something to be thought provoking, to trigger a discussion. I take issue with the woman who wrote it in the first place. Who is she to say what makes a good wife? She has a very narrow viewpoint, standards that appeal to only a certain subset of people. So in response, I thought to incite some self reflection, where we can acknowledge our own faults without any agenda of transforming ourselves into someone else's idea of proper marriage mates.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No, I wasn't making a reference to you Anon. I know you posted that list as something to be thought provoking, to trigger a discussion. I take issue with the woman who wrote it in the first place. Who is she to say what makes a good wife? She has a very narrow viewpoint, standards that appeal to only a certain subset of people. So in response, I thought to incite some self reflection, where we can acknowledge our own faults without any agenda of transforming ourselves into someone else's idea of proper marriage mates.


You could always do what I just did...& go through all 15 ....say what you feel - why you personally disagree, or how it works in your marriage... Nothing wrong with that.. we're all different!

I would think some may not care that these points beings they came from Scripture, as not everyone is a Believer or Christian...I no longer consider myself a Christian... but I didn't think the points were all that bad... I probably fall in the subset pretty good though, being older fashioned minded.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You could always do what I just did...& go through all 15 ....say what you feel - why you personally disagree, or how it works in your marriage... Nothing wrong with that.. we're all different!


I did, first page of the thread. But it did have a lot of snark :smthumbup:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I overanalyze everything. I can hash every little detail of an issue and dissect the minutia. In the absence of any real discussion from my husband (he's a man of very few words) I have been known to invent reasons why he must be upset and come up with assumptions of how he must feel...a hypothesis if you will...only I don't stop to aslmyself if my hypothesis is based in reality. And I tend to move forward with my actions based on the assumptions I have made. It's a slippery slope that I am consciously trying to stop. I actually stopped posting to message boards like this one as much about my problem because I found that the replies from strangers, all guessing why my H must be acting like he is, was adding fuel to this fire. My mind would race off in a million different possibilities without forcing my H to discuss the issue and get my answer from the source. 

I can also have a sharp tongue and don't realize the weight of some of the things I say. I easily offend people and hurt feelings without meaning to. I am trying to teach myself to slow down and choose my words more carefully.

I tend to bear the weight of my troubles by letting it put me in a sour mood and ruin my whole day. I am definitely one of those people who has the tendency to bring a bad day at the office home with me and let it color my evening with my husband and kids. Working on it

I didn't realize I did this (or, didn't realize how much it bothered my H) until recently, but my H said I am a total used car salesman - I have a habit of doing whatever I can to get what I want, I will sell my idea six ways to Sunday until I have hooked the sale. Its habit and its gotten me ahead in my career but not such a great trait in a narraige. This happens frequently with money...my H is much tighter with money than I am. When I want to purchase something and know he's going to hate the mere suggestions, I come up with a sales pitch and approach him with it. Even when I know he's uncomfortable and not in total agreement, I will say something to try to seal the deal. Usually he gives in, but it erodes his sense that I really take his concerns seriously and shoes a lack of respect for his wishes. Its hard for me to reel myself in, I am so used to this salesman coming out and the thrill of the sale takes over at times. Adding it to my list of things to work on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

As an adult child of an alcoholic I have some common flaws. I avoid conflict, risks, and intimacy. I am very serious and overly responsible. I over extend myself to help too many people. It helps that I am aware of these flaws but so hard to switch them off.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've altered some behaviors that I no longer need - recognized for what they are, I became aware to change my actions. Catching myself in the moment and altering my behavior, for my own growth and in turn, to assist our marriage also.

I know that I need to continue to speak up and assert. I fooled myself into thinking I was laid-back when really it was more about apathy or avoidance. At times I've processed things within myself...allowed myself to escape to music or something creative as a way of figuring it out, which is all well and good, but when there's a husband who needs inclusion, when there's someone else that wants to know what is going on with me, it's not always great. It also means I haven't asserted as much as I could, which is important for me in my own right. Opening up and calling things how I see it before I've had a chance to (over) think and process is healthy for me; to be able to process with the other person, to assert and still be on the same team, rather than escaping (for lack of better word) in my own thoughts. To be open in that moment with my feelings and allow my husband to be part of that process with me. I don't need to go away and work it all out for myself first. I can rely on him to be part of that process with me and be vulnerable when I don't have it all figured out for myself yet. I consciously catch myself in those learned behaviors that were developed growing up. One of the cool things about being an adult is taking responsibility for ourselves and rewriting our own script.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm a psycho magnet.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I tend to be too critical, especially of husband. He has taken to pulling me up about that, so I am more aware.

I also tend to take over with unsolicited advice when husband is not doing something the right way according to me.

Just a bit of a control freak.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I'm a psycho magnet.


I have a son like that. He has sworn off girls for the moment.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm stubborn,slow to forgive,expect perfection even though I am not perfect,and I tend cry too much when discussing my feelings.
I used to be really impatient but I'm improving on that one.it's a slow process.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

I have been working hard over the years to overcome some of my "Bad Traits"... I talk too much, and listen to little, I feel guilt too easily, I am a little insecure which has gotten worse in my 40's, I need validation for the things I do, I need lots of space and can sometimes be a loner (which is not good for a relationship), After years of letting stress get to me I get frustrated and angry easily (I am never abusive however), I hold things in sometimes longer than I should, I don't forgive well, I don't know how to say NO to other people, I let other people's moods effect mine, and i have never been good at relationships... I am sure there is more, but this is all I could come up with right now!


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Quick tempered. (Not abusive) Just a BIG mouth.

I've been working on it all my adult life and have mellowed considerably. But still, every now and then...

I hate it with a passion...


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Upon reading the responses and some further reflection I will admit to being :

extremely stubborn (to the point of viewing this as a positive trait...I'm rather proud of how unbending I am....but I know it frustrates people. And I don't want to frustrate anyone, but I won't give in either. It's a tough thing that does cause problems. )

temper.....I rarely get angry. I have a very long fuse and a cool head, but when I do blow..........oh my. I have said and done some very mean things. And it's worse when I drink so I don't drink much at all. 

anti-social.........I don't have much use for people in general. I don't socialize unless I have to, I have only a few close friends. Most I prefer to keep at arms length. This suits me, but not DH who is very social. This causes problems and friction. But I don't know what to do about it. Awareness helps, but I don't see any way to change something so inborn.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

In most relationships, I've waited to talk about things that bother me until too far past when the behavior/action happened. I've been worried about being too emotional or too reactive so I hold back and wait to see if it still bugs me a few days later.

I've worked a lot on that and have gotten better but it's still there on occasion. 

I'm very flirty and am learning to hold to those boundaries for everyone's comfort!


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> *In most relationships, I've waited to talk about things that bother me until too far past when the behavior/action happened. I've been worried about being too emotional or too reactive so I hold back and wait to see if it still bugs me a few days later.*
> 
> I've worked a lot on that and have gotten better but it's still there on occasion.
> 
> I'm very flirty and am learning to hold to those boundaries for everyone's comfort!


I do this too! And it really is not productive to bring it up days later, when it's been probably been forgotten. 

How have you fixed this?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> In most relationships, I've waited to talk about things that bother me until too far past when the behavior/action happened. I've been worried about being too emotional or too reactive so I hold back and wait to see if it still bugs me a few days later.


I'm guilty of this too.When I began a relationship with SO I promised him and myself I would ALWAYS speak up when something bothered me.He says that is what he loves the most about our relationship even if I come off as too emotional or reactive at times.He says he likes not having to guess what's bothering me and he likes addressing things as they happen.
I agree with him


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

MissMe said:


> I do this too! And it really is not productive to bring it up days later, when it's been probably been forgotten.
> 
> How have you fixed this?


It's still a work in progress. I now make it a rule to bring it up within a day or LET IT GO COMPLETELY. It doesn't always go well but it's much better than doing it way later when he doesn't even remember what happened. 

I think the best example was the time I had committed to losing 20 lbs. I had lost 10 and was still in progress. We walked by Victoria's Secret and saw a really cute nighty. I made a comment that I might come back and buy it. H said 'Why don't you wait until you lose the other 10'. 

My feelings were SOOO hurt. All I heard was 'You're too fat to wear that now' when really all he was thinking was that it would make sense to buy it in the size I would be when I was done. 

I literally didn't buy any lingerie for over a year. Didn't wear any for over a year. He mentioned it and I started crying. It was the dumbest thing to hold on to for that amount of time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I*'m a "fixer". I can't seem to just listen to my wife's frustration without jumping in with suggestions or trying to fix whatever's wrong.* I'm also used to hearing disrespect and insults without responding. I end up tolerating crap way longer than I should and when I finally do react, it's apparently a little scary.
> I'm less than tolerant of weakness, laziness, emotional outbursts, and people who get hysterical over Mickey Mouse B.S. To me, an emergency involves gunfire, blood, broken bones, etc. A store no longer carrying a particular brand of eyeliner or a woman wearing an identical dress as my wife's at a party doesn't hit my panic button. I've been known to come across as less than empathetic. I can show unbelievable empathy and compassion at work....for about 20 minutes.


Oh boy, I find this to be very true for most men. It took me many years to learn to just listen to my wife and daughters.

I am now to a place where I can just ask them outright if they are looking for me to help in any way. Usually it is that they just want me to listen. I then sometimes will interject some things for them to consider. Now there are times when they will say ... yes please fix this.

But knowing up front whether they want you to fix things is very helpful. Otherwsie I am wanting to steer them with probing questions to figure out just what the real issue is. Like trying to get to the point. LOL. If I know I am not having to fix it I can just flow with the journey. Maybe look to validate their feelings a bit.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I am to good at evading confrontation.
I am overly sensitive.
socially retarded with anyone but females.
To analytical.
Good listener but need to learn to just listen sometimes and not give advise.
To nice to beta......I'm working on this. 

and the list goes on and on.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Toothpaste in shoes!!!
OMG!! almost choked on a raisin..........


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I forgot this one:

*Very forgetful. If it's not in my calendar or written down, there is a BIG chance it will be forgotten.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As for taking responsibility.......I have a distorted version of time. For the most part, I'll be somewhere on time but often through winging-it. This can stress my husband. 

Last week he had to get to the office early. I suggested we head into the city even earlier and have a coffee together to start the day. He gave me the raised eyebrow that doubted it was possible. But! I was early enough that we were able to stop for a full breakfast and chat at a cafe before parting for work. It was really nice. 

I'm working on it.


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## FrustratedHub (Oct 28, 2011)

*Glass is half empty most of the time. Always taking the negative angle on things and people.
*Way way way way way (did I say way?) too judgmental of other people (lack of empathy as well?)
*Know it all.
*Very passive agressive. I think unbelievable said it best. I sometimes take way more crap than I should, and then eventually I hit my limit and apparently I get a little scary (I think psycho has been used once or twice).
*Extremely poor listener. I take after my father on this. I can't finish a sentence before he cuts me off and goes in another direction for what he wants to say. Most of the time when I'm talking, I can see that he has zero interest in what I'm saying, and is just waiting to interrupt me to talk about something he has on his mind. I HATE IT when he does this, yet I am probably worse than him in this regard.
*Fixer. When my wife just wants to vent some issues to me, I find it extremely hard to just listen and offer support. Nope, I have to try to fix it, and I know EXACTLY what she needs to do (see third bullet Know It All).

Needless to say, I'm working on addressing the issues as best I can. Doing better in some areas than others, but definitely a work in progress


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I grew up in an angry/yelling/hitting household so whenever my H was angry or critical my mind would immediately go back to my childhood and I would become frightened and shut down … not good for communication. I have worked on this and have learned methods that keep me in the moment. Not perfect, but I am much better than in the early years of our marriage.

I also startle very easily, as in over react when someone comes up behind me or touches me when I am unaware … endlessly annoying to my H.

I am an over-analyzer/over-thinker … great for work, bad for intimate relationships. I have learned to (mostly) stop my over-active brain in its tracks.

Those are my worst faults but I also have (according to H) a long list of annoying personal habits.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

FrustratedHub said:


> but definitely a work in progress


All of us are.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I am arrogant.
I'm too cynical
I have difficulty trusting.
I think I'm always right.
I have a tongue that can wound deeper than a razor and I sometimes fail to control it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I stink at showing vulnerability. I'll miss my husband terribly but instead of admitting that I will pick a fight instead.

If 1-2 things go wrong my day is shot.

I can't let things go. I'm still bringing up things my husband did 6 months ago.

I swing from overachieving to flat out laziness.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

You all sound just like me..


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think I am always right. 

Actually one time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> As for taking responsibility.......I have a distorted version of time. For the most part, I'll be somewhere on time but often through winging-it. This can stress my husband.


Oh man this is so my wife.

"Honey, we have 5 minutes to be 15 miles from here, it's rush hour. Will you be out of the bath soon?"

:rofl:


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Oh man this is so my wife.
> 
> "Honey, we have 5 minutes to be 15 miles from here, it's rush hour. Will you be out of the bath soon?"
> 
> :rofl:


Yes, I am an early everywhere person married to a late everywhere person. It makes for interesting times.

Me to husband: 'Don't you have to be at your appointment at 10:00?'
H: 'Yes, but it is not 10:00 yet.' No concept of the time it takes to get from where he is to where he is going.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> H: 'Yes, but it is not 10:00 yet.' No concept of the time it takes to get from where he is to where he is going.


That's exactly it.
It's like she expects to teleport wherever she has to be in the next 15 minutes.

No problem.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I am arrogant.
> I'm too cynical
> I have difficulty trusting.
> I think I'm always right.
> I have a tongue that can wound deeper than a razor and I sometimes fail to control it.


Hmmm.... I'd swear you were my husband, with this description... but I never had kids before we met/married...and no previous marriages/_long term_ relationships...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tacoma said:


> That's exactly it.
> It's like she expects to teleport wherever she has to be in the next 15 minutes.
> 
> No problem.


My husband said this to me the other week lol "You do know you can't teleport?"

I've been catching myself in moments when getting ready and resisting the urge to run off and put a record on, or make a cup of tea, and instead focus on getting ready, with the idea that if I have time after I'm ready (what a concept!) then I can do these things. Somehow I do end up on time for the most part, but when I don't, I feel awful. I think I recognise that it's inconsiderate and that's not cool, paticularly when it affects my husband. I don't want to be that person.

...until I have a TARDIS..and then it won't be an issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> My husband said this to me the other week lol "You do know you can't teleport?"


I'm using that line this weekend sometime I just know it.


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