# Im soo tired of my marriage.



## peaceintheheart (Apr 26, 2011)

My husband and i have been married for 4 years, together off and on before that for 6. I have a 10 year old daughter that he has been around since she was 1 and we have a 4 year old son together. 
I cant stand him anymore. He is a jerk-in my eyes and others have witnessed it too. He is arrogant and bossy and just plain mean sometimes. I can be too but usually in defense of the crap I'm getting from him. He used to be a heavy drinker and abuser but has really made some changes which is what has kept me around for sooo long. He hardly drinks anymore and is not physical but his words hurt. Also, I dont care for the way he is to my daughter. He never used to be this way with her when she was little. Im not saying he never does anything nice for any of us-he does sometimes and if I really want something he will buy it for me. But he always has an attitude and says mean words. He contantly puts her real dad down. I want to divorce him but we just bought a new house & pool. I feel like it should be a no brainer but I dont want to do the wrong thing for my kids and Im sooo afraid that I will regret leaving him but I cant stand it when even comes near me. Ugh!! What to do.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

peaceintheheart said:


> My husband and i have been married for 4 years, together off and on before that for 6. I have a 10 year old daughter that he has been around since she was 1 and we have a 4 year old son together.
> I cant stand him anymore. He is a jerk-in my eyes and others have witnessed it too. He is arrogant and bossy and just plain mean sometimes. I can be too but usually in defense of the crap I'm getting from him. He used to be a heavy drinker and abuser but has really made some changes which is what has kept me around for sooo long. He hardly drinks anymore and is not physical but his words hurt. Also, I dont care for the way he is to my daughter. He never used to be this way with her when she was little. Im not saying he never does anything nice for any of us-he does sometimes and if I really want something he will buy it for me. But he always has an attitude and says mean words. He contantly puts her real dad down. I want to divorce him but we just bought a new house & pool. I feel like it should be a no brainer but I dont want to do the wrong thing for my kids and Im sooo afraid that I will regret leaving him but I cant stand it when even comes near me. Ugh!! What to do.


Is he willing to work on things? It's a process. I had to learn how to set boundaries. We went through period of lots of conflict while I stood my ground. Now we are rebuilding. Not saying it's great but it's better. He is starting IC today and if things don't work - at least I did my best and can leave with no regrets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

peaceintheheart said:


> My husband and i have been married for 4 years, together off and on before that for 6. I have a 10 year old daughter that he has been around since she was 1 and we have a 4 year old son together.
> I cant stand him anymore. He is a jerk-in my eyes and others have witnessed it too. He is arrogant and bossy and just plain mean sometimes. I can be too but usually in defense of the crap I'm getting from him. He used to be a heavy drinker and abuser but has really made some changes which is what has kept me around for sooo long. He hardly drinks anymore and is not physical but his words hurt. Also, I dont care for the way he is to my daughter. He never used to be this way with her when she was little. Im not saying he never does anything nice for any of us-he does sometimes and if I really want something he will buy it for me. But he always has an attitude and says mean words. He contantly puts her real dad down. I want to divorce him but we just bought a new house & pool. I feel like it should be a no brainer but I dont want to do the wrong thing for my kids and Im sooo afraid that I will regret leaving him but I cant stand it when even comes near me. Ugh!! What to do.


From my experience alcohol abuse can cause permanent personality changes that persist even after they quit. Its a tough situation. Have you tried MC? 

Also please remember that your kids will learn how relantionships work through you. They will pick up on your anger and resentment towards their father.


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## peaceintheheart (Apr 26, 2011)

First of all, thank you for your post. There is nothing more horrible than being in a situation and not having a soul to talk to about it.
We have been to counseling 2x in the past and I very recently suggested we go back and see said "nope" very abruptly. 
What you wrote about the children learning from me is so true and half the reason I struggle with divorce options. She is old enough to understand certain things and so many times she says to me "well he doesnt do anything all night, he just sits in front of the TV", this is after I ask her repeatedly to clean her room or something. She is learning bad habits from him and by staying with him I feel she is learning that its ok to be that way. Your soo right. Your words have helped. thanks


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I get the feeling that there is more to this story... Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't believe you are telling the truth, but I think there is more to it.

Is there anything you have done in the past, or could do to improve things? I'm not saying any of this is your fault, but that is a question you should always ask in these situations. If we were to ask your husband what kind of issues are causing problems, whether it be his own issues or yours, what do you think he would say? Whether you agree or disagree with his feelings, you should listen to him as well.

I get the feeling that you guys would be great candidates for MC. It doesn't sound like there is any obviously major major problems here like adultery, physical abuse, drug/alcohol abuse, etc. so I don't see why MC couldn't help you both a lot. I could say that you owe it to your children to commit to finding a healthy solution but really you owe it to yourself. You've been together a long time, built a life together, children together, you don't want to throw it all away over this. One thought I hate to think of myself, is that you should imagine all the good memories you've had with your kids, knowing you wouldn't sell any of them for a million dollars, and then realize that this decision would be throwing fully HALF of them away. So be sure you know what is at stake here before making any major decisions. Your situation doesn't sound like one that is in extreme turmoil, so please take your time and see if you can't talk to him about what is going on.

Also, be sure that you are DIRECT and as clear as you can be. We men are idiots when it comes to women and relationships, and women seem to not understand that. Unless you are as direct and perfectly clear as you can possibly be, we won't get it at all, so please remember that.


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## peaceintheheart (Apr 26, 2011)

Yes, there is much more but it is hard to put all the hurt and pain in words. I think a lot of my problem is that I am tired of his attitude. There arent major problems and that is what makes this so hard. I feel like the selfish person because I know there are women out there in much harder situations. Truth is we have had problems for many years and there have been a lot of lies on his part-no cheating that I know of- but a lot of lying. I have no respect for him because of the way he talks to me and my daughter. He disciplines our son but he has good times with him too. Her-he just pretends that she isnt there or hes annoyed by her. He complains about everything and has even said that he likes to prove me wrong because he is always right. His arrogance makes him unattractive and hard to be around.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah, this is the kind of stuff that marriage counseling can work through. Lying isn't acceptable, ever, in any form. Trying to one-up you, prove you wrong all the time, acting as though he is better than you, these things aren't ok. They make him feel superior to you which makes him feel good. The fact is, he can choose to continue to do that and risk losing his marriage over it, or he can choose to change. It's up to him, he can feel superior and be alone, or humble himself to his wife and family and enjoy their love.

Again, MC, MC, MC. It can help. Start going alone if you have to and perhaps he'll decide to support you by joining later.


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