# Just Found out wife having an EA with old boyfriend



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

I just found out Jan 2nd my wife was having an emotional affair with an old boyfriend she reconnected on facebook with. 
We've been married for 15 years, and have a 12 year old boy, and a 9 year old girl with special needs.
I was devastated, still feeling the same days later. She told me on Sat that she would end it with him, and focus on us. As I had starting researching article on how to survive the EA. She had to break off the relationship, and sever all ties to him... She claimed she did the first part, but refused to remove him from fb as they should still be able to be friends... Facebook chat is where they spoke and chatted, so clearly she wasn't over it. Sunday no communication was happening, and then Monday I noticed on her fb chat they were chatting, and were starting to make plans to spend the night together this coming weekend. Again, shocked!, meanwhile she's telling me she needs a night with the girls this weekend... I confronted her later and she was more angry than I've seen her, and it almost seemed that it was because I figured it out, and I think she was mad because she was being asked to break it off, and was mad that she had too. She finally dropped him facebook after our 12 year son asked her too because he told her he wants it to go back to normal. She responded by saying fine, I'll just call him then, I have his number anyway! Me and my son are crying, and my wife is standing with a mad look on her face... smug almost. I figured I better leave her alone for awhile to digest it the rest of the evening. NO remorse...
I felt maybe I should reach out to the OM as my W has told be he had kids, and went thru a divorce in recent years. May seem odd, but I thought she might not be being honest with him either. So I reached out, and said I wanted to send him an email, and he asked her who I was. She hadn't told him about me! I sent him a message saying I found out, and that she was telling me we could work on us to save out marriage and our family. I wanted him to know what was all at stake... He replied that she said she was divorced for a few years, and apologized as he went through the exact same situation a few years earlier. He asked me to call him, which I did, and he apologized again, and wanted to let me know nothing had happened, and that he thought she was single. He was pretty sincere about giving my wife and I a chance to work it out. He even called and talked to her after and "broke up" with her.
Now, she's pissed at me for talking to him and telling him the truth! I think her world is crumbling, and she's very emotional saying she wants a divorce. I think a lot of it is reacting to everything, and lashing out, but may be the path I'm heading down... I would like to see MC before we pursue divorce, but today, she's not hearing anything I say.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gosh. That's bad luck on your wife!

She managed to lose both her husband and her lover at the same time.

And why? Because she could not be honest to either of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Any problems before this?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Wowza.
She is so not over anything, is she. She's mad at you for finding out and contacting the OM. How dare you expect fidelity from your spouse (insert sarcasm).

She does not respect you right now. You likely prevented her EA from going to a PA. And she wanted it. You are her bad guy. You took away her shiny new toy-boy.

The prevailing wisdom is you tell her that you will not tolerate a third person in your marriage. She must end all contact with OM and be transparent with you. That means you get all passwords to all devices and accounts. She answers every question you raise, and counseling.

She's already said no to counseling. So what consequences are you willing to suffer. To have any power you have to be willing to end the marriage. That doesn't mean you have to divorce, but she better think you will. Or what will stop this from happening again.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it should be the other way around and you should be angry at her. Tell her to leave the house and the kids because she disrespected you and them.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Gosh. That's bad luck on your wife!
> 
> She managed to lose both her husband and her lover at the same time.
> 
> ...


I know! Imagine that, a wayward spouse lies to everyone. 

Yes.


----------



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

Nothing serious before this that I'm aware of. We got along the majority of the time, and had disagreements for sure. When we did argue she would drag up past arguments and try to turn it on me. 
We sought out marriage counseling several years ago to help with communication. and honestly I thought we were doing quite well. 
She is on an axiety medication, and her father is terminally ill, so there has been a lot of stress lately. This all started about mid December... She doesn't make any sense, and seems like she's not thinking clearly.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

loeschmo said:


> I just found out Jan 2nd my wife was having an emotional affair with an old boyfriend she reconnected on facebook with.
> We've been married for 15 years, and have a 12 year old boy, and a 9 year old girl with special needs.
> I was devastated, still feeling the same days later. She told me on Sat that she would end it with him, and focus on us. As I had starting researching article on how to survive the EA. She had to break off the relationship, and sever all ties to him... She claimed she did the first part, but refused to remove him from fb as they should still be able to be friends... Facebook chat is where they spoke and chatted, so clearly she wasn't over it. Sunday no communication was happening, and then Monday I noticed on her fb chat they were chatting, and were starting to make plans to spend the night together this coming weekend. Again, shocked!, meanwhile she's telling me she needs a night with the girls this weekend... I confronted her later and she was more angry than I've seen her, and it almost seemed that it was because I figured it out, and I think she was mad because she was being asked to break it off, and was mad that she had too. She finally dropped him facebook after our 12 year son asked her too because he told her he wants it to go back to normal. She responded by saying fine, I'll just call him then, I have his number anyway! Me and my son are crying, and my wife is standing with a mad look on her face... smug almost. I figured I better leave her alone for awhile to digest it the rest of the evening. NO remorse...
> I felt maybe I should reach out to the OM as my W has told be he had kids, and went thru a divorce in recent years. May seem odd, but I thought she might not be being honest with him either. So I reached out, and said I wanted to send him an email, and he asked her who I was. She hadn't told him about me! I sent him a message saying I found out, and that she was telling me we could work on us to save out marriage and our family. I wanted him to know what was all at stake... He replied that she said she was divorced for a few years, and apologized as he went through the exact same situation a few years earlier. He asked me to call him, which I did, and he apologized again, and wanted to let me know nothing had happened, and that he thought she was single. He was pretty sincere about giving my wife and I a chance to work it out. He even called and talked to her after and "broke up" with her.
> Now, she's pissed at me for talking to him and telling him the truth! I think her world is crumbling, and she's very emotional saying she wants a divorce. I think a lot of it is reacting to everything, and lashing out, but may be the path I'm heading down... I would like to see MC before we pursue divorce, but today, she's not hearing anything I say.


If you want to Reconcile (and I can certainly understand), then you need to do several things. This is crucial that they be done today. You can't wait, or she's going to start turning everything around, making you out to be a controlling monster.

1. Call her parents and tell them what's happened. Every despicable bit of it. Call any siblings she has and do the same. Call your parents and tell them, as well as any siblings you have. Tell them all, and tell them you need their help and support; that your family needs their help and support desperately right now.
2. Call / FB / Email message all of her closest friends and ask if they knew. She has to stop hanging out with any friends that were covering for her or knew and didn't out her (if any knew). They will encourage her to do this again.

This is going to take some power and put it in your hands. She'll be very angry, and that's okay. There is no other way to get through this, unless you want to go through another cheating episode in the future.

Now, call an attorney. You need to get ahead of her in the Divorce. Don't let her D on her terms, make her realize it's on yours. Have papers drawn and put them on the table for her. Tell her if she wants out, then that's fine; this is her chance to go. You have to appear strong. She thinks you are weak and that is why she looked smug with you: She's viewing you with contempt. 

Do not have sex with her. Do not let her sleep in your bed--she can have the couch or a spare bed or even move out.* Do not let her leave with your kid. *

You need to be STD tested. It's possible she's had other affairs.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*** Full disclosure *** I've not yet read the entire initial post.

They should still be friends?

No.

Absolutely not.

Bring the hammer down on this, and HARD.

She either gives him up COMPLETELY or it's time for divorce. He gets unfriended and blocked on all social media, as well as e-mail, cell, etc. If she needs to change her e-mail address(es) and/or phone numbers as well, then so be it.

If he's married, engaged, or has a girlfriend, expose the EA to her as well.

No middle ground, no half measures.

It's him or you.

Period.

This is the ONLY way that reconciliation is going to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

loeschmo said:


> Nothing serious before this that I'm aware of. We got along the majority of the time, and had disagreements for sure. When we did argue she would drag up past arguments and try to turn it on me.
> We sought out marriage counseling several years ago to help with communication. and honestly I thought we were doing quite well.
> She is on an axiety medication, and her father is terminally ill, so there has been a lot of stress lately. This all started about mid December... She doesn't make any sense, and seems like she's not thinking clearly.


I'm not saying this is true of your spouse, only relaying my situation. My ex suffered from depression off and on most of his adult life. He also suffered from a heart condition. His depression got much worse, to the point of psychosis and he refused treatment. I was tossing out the "get help or divorce" threat. I'm saying this because if someone is dealing with mental illnesses, they are not thinking clearly. In my case my ex also became abusive. And then when I discovered he was serial cheater I pulled the plug on the marriage. To this day he remains un-remorseful for his behavior.

So if your WW is having emotional, stress issues, and it sure sounds like it, can persuade her to speak to her existing MD-who ever gave her the meds.


----------



## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

I personally think hes full of ****. If they were fb friends, how could he seriously not know she was married? You're telling me youre not on her fb in any way what so ever? No pics recently, like in the last few years with the kids? Hes full of it...this isnt over....they have now officially taken it underground.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

betrayed2013 said:


> I personally think hes full of ****. If they were fb friends, how could he seriously not know she was married? You're telling me youre not on her fb in any way what so ever? No pics recently, like in the last few years with the kids? Hes full of it...this isnt over....they have now officially taken it underground.


This brings up a great point: Do your FB accounts show you're married to each other? If I were him, I'd lie for fear of what the Betrayed Hubby might do to me. 

Either way. Find him on FB, check if he's single; if he's not, contact his Wife / GF. Your wife needs to block his account. You need to block his number from her phone. Your carrier can probably do this remotely, so she need not know.

You must, must, must disclose this to her family and friends.

Start looking at phone records, see who she's texting and calling. She may not only be talking to this one man.

Gus has this right: It's you or him. You're in a fight to save your marriage.

ETA: You probably need to go through her phone. Gus knows a lot about that. Heck, Gus knows a lot about a lot. You should listen to him.


----------



## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

loeschmo said:


> She finally dropped him facebook after our 12 year son asked her too because he told her he wants it to go back to normal. She responded by saying fine, I'll just call him then, I have his number anyway! Me and my son are crying, and my wife is standing with a mad look on her face... smug almost.


Beyond what she's doing to you, WTF kind of a woman would treat her own child like this? This is truly sickening.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Whether your wife slept with this OM or not, she might as well have. She's betrayed you and continues to profoundly disrespect you by her non-remorse and anger at you. You've allowed her to do this long enough.

Implement the 180 to detach from her, contact a lawyer to start the divorces process, separate your finances, and make her understand what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating on him.

Keep going with the 180 and the divorce and wait and see how she reacts. If that slap in the face doesn't wake her up, nothing will. If she doesn't turn around - and I mean completely and unconditionally; finish the D.

Stop being her door mat.


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

So this guy broke up with her how many days ago? And she is currently mad at you still? 

She needs to know that you will be great with or without her. Do not apologize and let her know that she was inappropriate. 

It took my wife a good 6 months of being apart-- yes divorced-- before she realized her life was better with me. I, on the other hand, learned very quickly how to be better without her. If I were you I would seriously consider the appeal of this woman, knowing now that she would have this other guy inside her if you had not stepped in, and she would have no regrets about it. 

Doesnt sound like a very quality person. She should be begging you to take her back.


----------



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

Thanks everyone for all your help

Yesterday I told her sister, and this morning I told her mother. Everyone in shock, everyone wondering what the heck is she thinking. 
Her mom is her biggest influence. I spoke to her about the anxiety meds, and that she may need to see a specialist. Her mother thought she should have seen one in the past few years, but hasn't pushed it. She is going to talk to her about this as well. 
I feel a lot of things right now, mostly crappy, but trying to hold my family together for the sake of the kids. But in the process I feel I haven't been in control as much as I thought I should be, and if it is over, I need to be ready for that. But when do I call a divirce lawyer? I need to find more about the 180.
If she is having some sort of mental issue from meds, I dont' want to kick her out when she's not in her right mind. 
She's was madder than a hornet this morning, and then 4 hours later after he told her it's over she is crying because she got dumped, somehow still mad at me???


----------



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

The guy broke it off today... everything that has happened is since Saturday the 2nd.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

(((hugs)))


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm so sorry.

I've been there. 

She certainly isn't acting remorseful, and she was 100% shopping for an affair partner, who she lied to as well. There may have been others. There will be others in the future if you're not careful. So be prepared.

What I would do:

#1 back every device up you have to a safe location. Why? Because she will be busily covering her tracks to re-write how this will be about you being insecure and invading her privacy instead of her shopping for a new sexual partner.

#2 stop talking to your wife. Disconnect. Make her sleep in another bed. All this, and more, until you see her actually attempt to reconcile with you. You need to break her fog, and the faster you do it, the better.

#3 see a lawyer to find out what your options are. I know this sounds crazy for a bunch of Facebook messages, but even if that's all it was, you know what the intent was -- she was portraying herself as single to a past boyfriend and making plans to hook up with him. You need to act as if this actually happened, because it would have if you hadn't been paying attention. HER INTENTION WAS TO HAVE A PHYSICAL AFFAIR. Live this reality.

#4 get all your heirlooms out of the house and at work, or at a buddy's house.

#5 live as if you are a single dad. Because you kind of are. You need to show her that you don't need her. Just no other women - for now.

Ask any questions or PM me at any time, I'll try to check my messages often.

As I said -- I've been in your spot. Every hour is crucial right now.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

loeschmo said:


> Thanks everyone for all your help
> 
> Yesterday I told her sister, and this morning I told her mother. Everyone in shock, everyone wondering what the heck is she thinking.
> Her mom is her biggest influence. I spoke to her about the anxiety meds, and that she may need to see a specialist. Her mother thought she should have seen one in the past few years, but hasn't pushed it. She is going to talk to her about this as well.
> ...


Contact a lawyer ASAP. Tomorrow or Thursday if you can. You don't have to divorce her, but you need legal counsel, so you know what to do and what not to do. Especially if she's throwing around the D word.

Women have an advantage over men in the court system. You'll need to be prepared. 

Remember this, the 180 is about detaching yourself to prepare for Divorce if it happens. It's not about saving your marriage. No more Mr. Nice Guy is a great resource too about how to not be a doormat and will help prevent this in the future.. Someone here likes to post a link to an online copy, he might stop by.

It's good you've exposed to a couple of people. I hope it helps you build a support group and stops her cheating.

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

loeschmo said:


> She is on an axiety medication, and her father is terminally ill, so there has been a lot of stress lately. This all started about mid December... She doesn't make any sense, and seems like she's not thinking clearly.


 Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope.

Don't you dare start excusing her actions. In one year I had six people die, from a 40+ year family friend's husband to an Uncle slowly dying from terminal cancer. Then watched my Grandmother slowly die, she died the next year, over 10 months while going to school and earning my Masters degree. I didn't go look for a person who understood me better or for support outside of the marriage. Yes, even when I felt at times my wife was being a poor spouse. 
Symptoms? Sure. Reasons? no.



> she is crying because she got dumped, somehow still mad at me???


Go read some threads, you'll see this is normal and has nothing to do with mental issues, medication or death. It happens all of the time. It's why you'll hear the phrase "cheater's script."


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All the anxiety and family stress stuff she's throwing out there is just a smokescreen man -- designed to disorient you and make you feel sorry for her.

Your wife intended on cheating on you. You have proof. Hold onto that.

If she is remorseful, truly, you will see certain signs. Things like a heartfelt apology, tears, a full accounting of her behaviour without you asking for it, full transparency to her accounts and whereabouts, all that kind of stuff.

You can only reconcile if she's actually remorseful. Trust me on this.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Oh, and she's crying because:
#1 she got caught trying to get laid
#2 you embarrassed her to her family and the other man
#3 she's not going to get laid, so you wrecked her fantasy

So right now, to her, you're actually the bad guy in all this. It's like you put a lock on the cookie jar and she's got the munchies.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Loe, 

In time you will need to read other posters threads and posts to gain insight. I will give you a heads up by saying listen carefully to Marduk. He has been exactly in your spot and then suffered a false reconciliation. Did you notice he has over 5,000 posts. I have seen posters with high post numbers who posted nothing put garbage he isn't one of them.


You have a long road ahead of you. First read and master the 180 (see bandit.45 post half way down here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-does-not-know-if-she-wants-stay-married.html ). At the same time talk to a lawyer about custody issues (how to maximize) and spousal support (ho to min) and assets division (some states will take that into account) Vent here and only. Going forward every view every possible word ad action though the prism of how the court will react. 

Above all else do not leave the home !!!! If she wants to fine. But you ever leave.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

loeschmo said:


> The guy broke it off today... everything that has happened is since Saturday the 2nd.


He broke it off. Not her. 

This is everything. 

There are many other men in the world, my friend. This was just a convenient one that she happened to seek out. 

And hopefully he was the first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Here are two good links for acronyms

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...mon-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
By the way you were picture perfect on exposure.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

loeschmo said:


> She hadn't told him about me! I sent him a message saying I found out, and that she was telling me we could work on us to save out marriage and our family. I wanted him to know what was all at stake... He replied that she said she was divorced for a few years, and apologized as he went through the exact same situation a few years earlier. He asked me to call him, which I did, and he apologized again, and wanted to let me know nothing had happened, and that he thought she was single. He was pretty sincere about giving my wife and I a chance to work it out. He even called and talked to her after and "broke up" with her.
> 
> Now, she's pissed at me for talking to him and telling him the truth! I think her world is crumbling, and she's very emotional saying she wants a divorce. I think a lot of it is reacting to everything, and lashing out, but may be the path I'm heading down... I would like to see MC before we pursue divorce, but today, she's not hearing anything I say.


 The guy may have or may not have been sincere, but he connected with her the same that she connected with him. After she tells him that the marriage was over before he entered the picture, and that she was planning to file for divorce soon anyway, odds are high that he will be back in her life again. 

Lying to you. No remorse. Angry that because of you her affair partner "broke up" with her (never mind that she is married). She has lost all respect for you such that she is the angry one, and you are the one trying to make peace with her. When you have been dealt a bad hand of cards, the best thing that you can do is to flip the table and get a reshuffle. You have to be willing to end your marriage in order to have a chance to save it. You need to get angry, stop talking to her unless she makes the effort, get an attorney, and file for divorce. Make her have to win you back for you to consider stopping the divorce. It is not a sure thing that she will pick you over her lover, but this will give you your best chance at saving the marriage. Truthfully the odds do not look good no matter what you do.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She needs to think you're walking. And will be just fine without her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to confirm her boyfriend's marriage status pronto.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Talk to us, man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, woman here. How old are you and your wife? Does your wife work?

Your wife is angry that she got caught in her lies. She lied to the Other Man, masquerading as a single woman. He broke off their relationship, not her. If it is up to her, she would dump you and your children. I'm going to speculate that she will be on another hunt for another man as she clearly does not respect you.

Do not excuse her for her depression and that her father is terminally ill. I have friends and relations who have depression and whose loved ones are ill. They are not cheating like your wife. In fact, they are so busy taking care of their loved ones that they have no time for social media. You need to see your wife as she is: a liar and a cheater.

See an divorce attorney to protect your rights. You need to see a psychologist to get your mind in the right direction so that you can have some coping skills for your problem at hand. Sorry for you and your children.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

Dont let her blame you for cheating on you and your children. I feel so sorry for you,especially your little daughter.

She has no mental issues at all. She knew what she was doing my friend sorry 

She told him she was divorced.

She told you that she got his phone number and she will contact him anyways. She did not care of your pain and your tears,ever from your son. Damn that hurts.

She told you she was going out with girls,but she was preparing herself for meeting with old boyfried. She put her mind to sleep with him.

She even told you she wants a Divorce now.

So you know she PLANNED all of this my friend.

Now she is crying because he "dump" her. She still have no idea what she did to you and your family and she will never know,trust me on this one.

You kinda did a good job by exposing her to mother and sister,but my personal advice for you is to talk with lawyer and see your options about custody. 

Serve her with Divorce papers and let her go and live a life she wants to. She wanted divorce so you give it to her.

Stay strong my friend.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If she has a car - purchase voice activated recorder and velcro it under the seat.

Lots of affair communication goes on while the cheating spouse is driving alone and you know she has his phone number.

Just because she is not doing anything on the computer or phone that you can find, does not mean she is not talking to him or another person about her plans to cheat on you.

Also (and I can not believe people do not realize this) he can open another Facebook or email account using any name, even a girl's name that she can then claim is an old female school chum of her's that you do not know.

Cheaters are very creative when it comes to getting what they want and lying to the betrayed spouse.


----------



## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

since this would likely be a divorce.

do not leave the marital home until the divorce is done.
this may affect custody.

when talking to an attorney but do not inform your ww.


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

loeschmo said:


> I just found out Jan 2nd my wife was having an emotional affair with an old boyfriend she reconnected on facebook with.
> We've been married for 15 years, and have a 12 year old boy, and a 9 year old girl with special needs.
> I was devastated, still feeling the same days later. She told me on Sat that she would end it with him, and focus on us. As I had starting researching article on how to survive the EA. She had to break off the relationship, and sever all ties to him... She claimed she did the first part, but refused to remove him from fb as they should still be able to be friends... Facebook chat is where they spoke and chatted, so clearly she wasn't over it. Sunday no communication was happening, and then Monday I noticed on her fb chat they were chatting, and were starting to make plans to spend the night together this coming weekend. Again, shocked!, meanwhile she's telling me she needs a night with the girls this weekend... I confronted her later and she was more angry than I've seen her, and it almost seemed that it was because I figured it out, and I think she was mad because she was being asked to break it off, and was mad that she had too. She finally dropped him facebook after our 12 year son asked her too because he told her he wants it to go back to normal. She responded by saying fine, I'll just call him then, I have his number anyway! Me and my son are crying, and my wife is standing with a mad look on her face... smug almost. I figured I better leave her alone for awhile to digest it the rest of the evening. NO remorse...
> I felt maybe I should reach out to the OM as my W has told be he had kids, and went thru a divorce in recent years. May seem odd, but I thought she might not be being honest with him either. So I reached out, and said I wanted to send him an email, and he asked her who I was. She hadn't told him about me! I sent him a message saying I found out, and that she was telling me we could work on us to save out marriage and our family. I wanted him to know what was all at stake... He replied that she said she was divorced for a few years, and apologized as he went through the exact same situation a few years earlier. He asked me to call him, which I did, and he apologized again, and wanted to let me know nothing had happened, and that he thought she was single. He was pretty sincere about giving my wife and I a chance to work it out. He even called and talked to her after and "broke up" with her.
> Now, she's pissed at me for talking to him and telling him the truth! I think her world is crumbling, and she's very emotional saying she wants a divorce. I think a lot of it is reacting to everything, and lashing out, but may be the path I'm heading down... I would like to see MC before we pursue divorce, but today, she's not hearing anything I say.




Holy f*ck!! What is wrong with men these days ? Every post on this infidelity seems to be an exercise in humiliation. Not because of reconciliation but how they seem to be handling it. Is this a general trend or is the forum attracting guys in these situations ?

She caught cheating and scamming some guy. And look at the reactions.


OP, I don't care about your marriage but you are raising your son to be someone without any dignity or self-respect. Through your actions, you are going to bring him a lot of pain in his future. He, like you will most likely will end up with women that exploit and use him.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't have a clue why you are getting any other advice other than actually divorcing this woman.
She tried to cheat; not only did she fail to show remorse, but got angry when she got caught. 

Then, she got even angrier and SHOWED you her anger when he dumped her. She actually searched out an affair partner! 

You can do whatever you want. But, I'll guarantee you that this woman will divorce you regardless. She not only fails to respect you, but must hate you to do what she has done, rub it in your face, and then say she wants to divorce YOU!!
She's not threatening a divorce, she WANTS a divorce.

Give her what she wants and never let her have the satisfaction of seeing you cry and plead to get her back. It won't work, I promise you, and you will later greatly regret it.

My advice: see a lawyer, divorce her and never look back. It will hurt you like nothing ever has, but it will be for the best. Your child will be better off as well. A person that does this sort of thing is not worthy to be a parent.

Ignore her totally. Detach. She already has!

I'm very sorry. I know what you're feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I got anxious just reading this entire thread! 
OP, you must be overwhelmed by your lousy situation and now absorbing all the advice from these kind posters. I won't add to your stress and sadness, so I will simply say to take care of yourself and your son.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

So now she wants a divorce? Man I would jump all over that. She doesn't deserve you. As far as her stress goes that's all excuses. She is supposed to turn to you for support. Dump the sorry b1tch.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Loeschmo,

The others before me have pegged it correctly. DO NOT believe the bull **** the OM gave you. If he was FB friends with her, unless she deleted everything about you or your kids or family, he knew she was married.

You caught her red handed, and the GNO she was using as an alibi means her girlfriends know about this and are willing to cover for her. That means they are NOT FRIENDS OF YOU. They must go, and GNO needs to be off the table right now until you sort this out.

You must get a VAR in her car and you will find out in less than 48 hours if she is still talking to this OM. And you will find out which girlfriends are encouraging this.

Next step with her attitude is to see an attorney and get your rights straightened out. BELIEVE what she says. There is no way she is not going to cheat on you again with her attitude. She should be crawling at your feet, but insteand she is made you broke up her planned hook up. They will try again.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> Loeschmo,
> 
> The others before me have pegged it correctly. DO NOT believe the bull **** the OM gave you. If he was FB friends with her, unless she deleted everything about you or your kids or family, he knew she was married.
> 
> ...



or if not with him, with someone else.

You have disappeared from here. DO NOT think this is over with a close call. It is still an issue


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*And don't forget to have psychological counseling set up for both you as well as your children!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

loeschmo said:


> Thanks everyone for all your help
> 
> Yesterday I told her sister, and this morning I told her mother. Everyone in shock, everyone wondering what the heck is she thinking.
> Her mom is her biggest influence. I spoke to her about the anxiety meds, and that she may need to see a specialist. Her mother thought she should have seen one in the past few years, but hasn't pushed it. She is going to talk to her about this as well.
> ...


This is normal. It happens when you shine a bright light of truth on something like this. Now the monkey is on her back.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't think the OM necessarily knew she was married. When I was married I had VERY few pics of my H on there and never had a relationship status, ever. (Of course right around the time I joined FB is when my marriage started to fail so that has a lot to do with it). I have friends on FB, friends from college, etc. who probably know nothing about my relationship status. Some people probably assume I'm married. I just told a friend I've known since I was a little girl about my crazy life just last week. She had no clue, and I've been corresponding with her for a couple of years now because I do some volunteer work (online) for her. I have at least one FB friend I can think of, a man who I used to work for and admire greatly, who I never knew was married until after I stopped working for him and was friends on FB for a while, and that was only because one of his kids made a post and tagged him. He has a very "public" job and uses FB to mostly connect to the community, in which he's very well known and popular.

So, it can happen, and if that's what indeed happened here, he's a stand-up guy.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> This is normal. It happens when you shine a bright light of truth on something like this. Now the monkey is on her back.


Exactly. My ex had such disdain for me as if I was the one who cheated on him. HATED me for exposing his ugly insides. You've offended her by making her see the truth about herself. How dare you.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Put a freaking laser beam of exposure on her sorry arse. 

What is her excuse for this, OP?
I suspect she hasn't even a shady one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

Xenote said:


> it should be the other way around and you should be angry at her. Tell her to leave the house and the kids because she disrespected you and them.


That's my take. Pack her bags and kick her the hell out


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

So far you've done good on exposing EA to her family and confronting OM. I'm not sure if he really didn't know or if he's just blowing smoke to throw you off and then go further underground. The fact that your wife is angry and hurt over being dumped leads me to believe that he really didn't know. But remember she can still reach out to him and pursue him. Not many men can stay strong when a woman serves herself up on a platter.

I've notice from reading many threads on Love Shack's OW section that woman with special needs kids are very willing to risk their families stability. They talk the I'm a good mom bit but their actions say the opposite. After seeing her 12 year old son crying and pleading for her to stop her actions, she responds with anger and malice with no thought of who she destroys is disturbing.

Your wife may have mental issues but don't excuse her actions. She was dead set on consummating the affair. She was pulling out all the stops to make it happen. Probably was getting her friends to lie for her and to stoop to the level of denying that she's married is really desperate. I wouldn't be surprised if she lied about her kids or their condition.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Don't trust the other man.

And don't get sidetracked by him, either. He could be totally lying and covering for her (or himself), and even if he's straight up it doesn't matter.

There may be other men, or there can be other men if that's what she wants. The problem isn't him. It's 100% her.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

L,

Please stop saying he broke it off. It is not going to be broken off because with her attitude, she is going to pursue him underground. Now if vyou do not want to get blindsided, while you are figuring this out, please go out and get the VAR in her car. ASsk the techies here what to buy. You need to make sure you get the right BATTERTIES and test it out so lights on it are covered and do not go off in dark.

You calling him has just let him know you are on to them. If he is married, contact his wife, and DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THAT. If he is trying to save his own ass, he will not be nearly as likely to be lured in by your wife, and take my word for it, YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO CONTACT HIM AGAIN. IT IS JUST A MATTER OF WHEN AND HOW.

You do not have decide this instant to divorce her or not, and by the way it can be stopped, but right now you cannot believe anything she tells you. 

If you are even entertaining the thought of reconciling with her at some point, and she will probably come to her senses and try to make you think it is over to buy herself time, you MMUST try to learn as much as you can. You got kind of lucky because she was sloppy. But if she was telling you she was going away with girlfriends or out with them, THEY knew she was not going to be there so you must assume all of them are more than willing to cover for her.

She wants a divorce, or so she said. GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS. See if she is bluffing and trying to bully you into letting her do what she wants.

Lastly, let me caution you on the 180. Right now, in my opinion, the LAST thing you should be giving her is "space". All that does is give her an easy way to restart this affair without you in the way. The 180 is NOT to win her back. If you file for divorce, then you 180 to the hilt.

You cannot "nice" her back. 

She thought she had the perfect plan to hook up, and you are the demon for getting in the way. You cannot control her but you can control you and you just tell her you have no intention of remaining in a marriage with more than two pelople in it.

THERE IS NOT BEING FRIENDS WITH HIM. NON NEGIOTIABLE


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> L,
> 
> Please stop saying he broke it off. It is not going to be broken off because with her attitude, she is going to pursue him underground. Now if vyou do not want to get blindsided, while you are figuring this out, please go out and get the VAR in her car. ASsk the techies here what to buy. You need to make sure you get the right BATTERTIES and test it out so lights on it are covered and do not go off in dark.
> 
> ...


Exactly! QFT.

I would just add that she cried because she was incredibly!!! Disappointed to have her tryst busted by you. What that tells me is that she had not even a smidgen of guilt about doing this. She is absolutely and completely devoid of remorse. You should NOT stay married to this woman. Divorce her immediately. I so think the guy didn't know or your wife wouldn't be crying. But, yes, she will contact him again. She thinks you're a wussy. I hope you show her the steel in your spine. 
Hating this! I know you are! Divorce her and work on healing and bettering yourself. Make her wish you'd take her back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Be a boy scout here. Be prepared. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Visit the forums at forum.mensdivorce.com and look for "The List". This is a comprehensive list of specific actions you can take to protect your rights as a father. If you do go to divorce, you need to have already taken steps to document your parenting and finances. There are many other good threads which may be helpful.

Do talk to a lawyer. Most give a free consultation lasting 10 to 30 minutes where you can get basic questions answered and learn how things usually work in your area wrt divorce, child support, custody, and alimony.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't have sex with her until you've talked to a lawyer about it. In some states, infidelity is a factor in divorce settlements. Having sex is taken by the courts as you forgiving her infidelity. Which means if you have sex with her it might cost you huge $$ if/when you divorce her.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> You cannot "nice" her back.


If you only take one thing from this thread, this is it.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> she's going to start turning everything around, making you out to be a controlling monster.


Here's my response to the pesky and perennially typical, "you're controlling, you're trying to control me, etc., ect. 

_I'm not trying to control you and to tell you the truth, I lack the enthusiasm to try. What I can do is control how much of your bull shyt I'm willing to put up with and I'm drawing a line in the sand. If that ain't something you can live with, you and I need to make other arrangements. _


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Do not believe the other man no matter how sincere he might seem. He is not your friend in this. He may well be telling the truth about not knowing but chances are he is lying to you. 

Even if he aint lying to you this has the potential to pick right back up after a few days.

Man up and come down on this hard. Him and you. If she continues to sulk and throw tantrems at you show her the door.

If you have any joint bank accounts now would be the time to clean them out and transfer any money to your name. You need to hit her hard where it hurts now. 

Dont worry about doing the supposedly fair and equitable split. She has to be given an example that you certainly wont tolerate this foul behavour from her and she will be in for the fight of her life for the kids, money, and any assets.

Only by taking these harsh unremorsful measures do you stand any hope of saving your marriage. 

At the moment it would seem that she does not respect you at all.

Im truly sorry you are going through this **** storm


----------



## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

You know they are both likely to be lying to you about breaking up and there can never be any chance of fixing things when there is no remorse or guilt but hostility and anger for you **** blocking for the time being so i would just grant the divorce


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think that she is angry because you are in the process of ruining her new love. She thinks she is in love with him. She is crying because she has 'broken up' with the man that she loves.

This is what many call 'the fog.' Lots of people say they don't believe in the fog, but I actually do. I think it is the standard thrill of the love/lust chemistry that comes with new infatuation, combined with the extra thrill of it being a 'forbidden' love. The secrecy also means that the relationship won't be a real one, with all the warts of our daily lives together. To me, these things taken together constitute the fog.

She is right now like a teenaged girl whose parents are telling her she can't be with the boyfriend who is a bad influence on her. You're her parent in this, the parent who is standing in the way of true love.

You can try to break her out of the fog by exposing and making the consequences very clear to her. This includes divorce, diminished lifestyle, decreased level of respect from family and friends, etc. If you force her out of her current mindset, you might have a remorseful WW on your hands. Might.

You could also just say that life is too short for this bullish!t. She is definitely remorseless and treating you with contempt. She is blame shifting and doesn't care that she is hurting you and your family. If you cut your losses now, she will be out of her fog on her own. And then she will see what a clusterfvck she has made of her life. Too little, too late at that point.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If your Wife was mad at you for trying to end her EA(possible PA?...), she's probably going to be just as p!ssed that you exposed the cheating to her Mother and Sister.

If she starts tearing into you about the exposure, ask her this.

"If you weren't doing anything wrong with the OM, i.e. "Just friends", then why are you so upset that I've told your Mother and Sister about it?"

Me, personally, I'd write down her answer(s) to this question. For later discussion. She needs to think about and explain why losing "just a friend" has gotten her so worked up. I mean, has this guy known her since they were kids? Did he pull her back when a speeding taxi almost flattened her? Was she in need of a kidney and this man stepped forward to pass on one if his to her? What has this guy done in the past, that makes him so special to her now?

I'm guessing it's none of the above. It's not what he's done for her in the past, but what he might do for her in the future.

He, at first, talks with and he listens to what she has to say. Then he flirts with her and this makes her feel so good that she starts flirting back. Then the saucy texts start bouncing back and forth. Then they start talking about what they'd do to and for each other if the were to ever have sex. All in jest ... at first. Then they decide to meet for coffee. Outside of work, or the PTA, or the bingo hall. Pretty soon they're not only talking face to face about what they'd do to/with each other in bed, they actually start planning for it...

At least that's the way I see it. She's not as mad about loosing him because of what he's done for her already, as she is about what he might have done for her in the future...

Btw, there is thread after thread on here with the same theme as yours. The spouse that's having the EA/PA has an ailing/dying parent and is also on antidepressants. There's something about this combination that gets them looking for comfort outside the marriage. It's almost eerie how the different threads usually pan out the same.

We talk about "the fog" on here a lot. I think that there's no fog foggier than when a parent is dying and there is also mind drugs involved. This fog is not going to clear easily.

Also remember, "the fog", for what ever reason it's caused, is not an excuse, it's a reason.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think many people don't see the issue with what we call an EA because they see it as harmless excitement. They reason if it's not physical how can it hurt the marriage? 

So of course you wife is upset that her harmless excitement blew up.

But these people don't understand it does to the marital bond, and it can be a slippery slope to physical. 

You can't be friends with someone you have any kind of romantic feelings for. Period. And really she makes it harder on herself by refusing give it up, because it's not going to go anywhere anyway.

Stop crying, it just makes you look pathetic. I think the 180 is a good idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Even if you wanted to stay with her, could you ever trust her again? I would start some heavy duty monitoring of her phone, of of her car. I think she's definitely going to try this again if for anything else to get back at you for screwing it up for her the first time. I don't think counseling will do any good, she is where she is for a reason and she seems determined to have an affair. You and your kids don't need that in your lives.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

loeschmo said:


> *and seems like she's not thinking clearly.*


Oh she's thinking very clearly. Here is where people make the mistake of giving excuses to try and rationalise why people cheat..other than the clear fact that she wanted to cheat.

She was thinking very clearly when she chose to lie and tell the guy that she was divorced. Seems like the guy is a stand up dude who wouldn't have touched her with a ten foot pole if he had known she was married.

Do two things. Give her credit for being smart enough to have hidden and lied to you for so long because she wanted to do it.
Then from that stand point deal with it accordingly.

She has zero right to be angry or pissed off at you. And you have zero room for that kind of disrespect after what she's done. Don't let her turn this around on you, deal with it in a strong manner otherwise she'll just do it again.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The anger at you over busting her affair is what would make me blow up and scream at her as I was throwing her crap out the door. Even my crappy ex didn't act angry when I caught her. She placed all the blame for wanting a divorce on me. Then, after hearing what a bad husband I was, I do some checking and find out she's sexting and sending shameless nude pics to guys all over the country. I made her do it, LOL.

Your wife is pissed that you busted her affair up. She searched it out. That's the worst combo I think imaginable. At least most women, it just happens that a man from work or whatever flirts and starts a relationship. In your case, your wife made the advances. I think for your own good, you should count this woman history. I am 100% confident that she will do this again if you give her the chance. She'll do it with whomever she is married to in the future. I think she's likely a serial cheater.

JMO


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's one thing to have an honest friendship get a little out of hand. 

It's quite another to lie about being divorced. 

That suggests a whole different set of motives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop the crying in front of her. Replace that with a cold dead stare. You really shot your self in the foot with that one.

How could he not know she was married if they are face book friends?

How do you know for sure if he is in fact divorced?

None of this makes sense. When it doesn't make sense you can be assured you do not have the truth.

You need to shake her up to get her out of the fog. Do things like asking her if she has found an apartment she can afford.

The best defense is a good offense. Talk to an attorney. First, go to dadsdivorce.com

She was planning on spending the night with him. Why do you think they haven't met up before? I don't see that as any different as if they had done the deed.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Duh-vorce....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Even if you wanted to stay with her, could you ever trust her again?


Even if you have the most successful reconciliation on record, you will never really trust them again. "Trust" is a state of mind based solely on your perception. After its broken, you'll always be thinking, "look what happened last time I thought they were loyal".


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Why did you involve a 12 year old in this?


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

She said she wants a divorce. Why don't you believe her?


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

When an oppositional person threatens a consequence when they are in the wrong, the best course of action is to give them what they "want". The books linked in @Chaparral's signature would be really good reading for you, especially NNMNG. 

You should begin to file for divorce, ask her to move out (tell her, but legally you can't kick her out), and implement the 180. She may snap out of it, but she sounds unremorseful. Her disrespect for you is sky high. Stop giving her any emotional support. Get her to move out of the bedroom. Make it clear the choice to R or D is yours alone. Consider what your terms to even consider R would be. 

Lastly, don't trust that this is over. Read @weightlifter's standard evidence thread. Hit the gym to burn off stress. 

I recommend you post here for support. Some of the advice may seem harsh,but it works, and is from people who have dealt with betrayal.


----------



## z_man (Nov 1, 2013)

"She wants a divorce."

Give her one. Her current attitude shows no sign of remorse which indicates reconciliation will be a waste of time and effort. Get a lawyer, have papers drawn up, and hand them to her. See if her tune changes. If it does, you may have something to work with. If her tune doesn;t change, you have nothing to work with and should follow through with the divorce.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

You have children

You have children

You have children

You must stay strong and pandering to her in any way will cause more harm to the kids than facing up to 
what needs to be done

Nearly all posters on here have gone through various degrees of pain when our spouses have been/shown 
unfaithfulness BUT we are all still here and many are stronger at the other end

Read the advice given ..then RE-READ IT

put into place a short term plan

And start to dig in FB and phone records/texts etc to be 100% sure no contact has been made as you need 
to re assure your self no physical contact was made

STAY STRONG as she isn't..... and your kids need a strong dad



ADD NOTE
Never...Never....'stay with a wife For the sake of the kids'


----------



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

Thanks everyone, Looks like I have some catching up to do! I haven't been in here for a little bit, I still need to read through all of the comments on the last few pages.

Things have settled down some at home. "Normal" in front of the kids. civil talking the last few evenings. 

I asked if she's happy with our marriage, does she think it is good? "Yes, I'm Happy. But I'm not happy that I cant see him, so I want a divorce" 

??? I said, no, you can't, you can't have both. It doesn't work that way, Your willing to throw away a good marriage, just to see him? (He told her not to call him unless it doesn't work out, and she is divorced, he does not want to be involved in any of this because of what happened to him) 

Seems confused, but not about the right things? I asked her again later, and got similar answers. I asked if she wanted to see an MC, and she said sure. so I set up an appointment for tomorrow at 11. 

But then the first text I get this morning is "I don't think it's going to work out, I can't stop thinking about him, I'm sick to my stomach" 

I'm confused...


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Only because you are allowing her to confuse you.

Why is it her choice?

YOU choose.

File, free her to pursue her OM. Do it quickly and you might even be able to secure a good custody and monetary agreement.

Choosing not to decide is still a choice, and tells you everything you need to know.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Stop being passive.


----------



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

Thanks everyone, I need to keep up with this thread, lots of good advise and help.
I spoke with her after the text as we have an appointment today for my daughter. and she says her mom told her she needs to do what she needs to do and would help her find an apartment if that s what she decides. But she needs a job first. (MIL told me it may not sink in til all said and done))

I need to look into a lawyer, and get that started, or at least get direction on proceeding.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi loes,

First: As to the man of her affections: why would he be interested in her for any other reason then as a booty call? I get he won't screw around with a married women. But if this is true, why would he get serious with a woman who screws around on her husband? Don't point that out to her, her funeral not your's.

Second: Seriously you need to read @weightlifter thread here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. You should also reach out to @GusPolinski for tech help. 

You need to assume there is a P/A and it has gone underground. 

Protect yourself and your children. Get a lawyer who can effectively fight for you and will fight for you.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

OK Seems you didn't see

*YOU NEED TO BE STRONG*

You are anything BUT strong at the minute

You need to lay it on the line exactly what happens from NOW

You need to be Asertive ....You will not 'nice her back'

Re-Read again the posts...... your answers on what to do are here


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, woman here. A woman does not walk away from her husband and children because of an emotional affair. This is a full blown emotional and physical affair. See an attorney immediately and follow his or her advice to the letter. 

Forget about seeing a marriage counselor. Your wife wants a divorce and does not want to work on your marriage. See a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction. You have a low self-esteem. You think that all you deserve is a lying and cheating woman. Wake up!

Your marriage will not get better. Your wife does not love you. You and your children deserve a better life.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

One other very important point, perhaps the most important. It is normal for a BS to feel others view then as losers or objects of pity. They obsess over there contributing issues. They and you are wrong.

- Conflict, resentments, unresolved issues no matter how serious are never a reason or justification for adultery.

- Going forward both you and others will view you in light of how you handle yourself dealing with her adultery, not that she is throwing you overboard. A sports saying comes to mine: you are only as good as your last game.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

loeschmo said:


> Thanks everyone, Looks like I have some catching up to do! I haven't been in here for a little bit, I still need to read through all of the comments on the last few pages.
> 
> Things have settled down some at home. "Normal" in front of the kids. civil talking the last few evenings.
> 
> ...


----------



## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

loeschmo said:


> Thanks everyone, Looks like I have some catching up to do! I haven't been in here for a little bit, I still need to read through all of the comments on the last few pages.
> 
> Things have settled down some at home. "Normal" in front of the kids. civil talking the last few evenings.
> 
> ...


She is not confused she is quite well calculated and has worked out what she will get or lose in any divorce and in her mind this is all worth all the trouble caused by her actions , She has made her choice and you are not her choice he is and you will probably find that this affair is also physical and that they have still been communicating daily, Give her the divorce grieve in private and move on


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I disagree with "in six months" thinking. Yes, at times she will miss something, but waking up late at night reaching over to touch him only to realize he is not there and never will be again. Feeling her heart fall in despair as her soul says why was I so foolish. Not going to happen. To move on he needs to accept she is gone and act on that.

Loeschmo, if at any point in the future she asks to reconsider divorce tell "I want a real women who feels about me like you feel about me. You been a foolish girl chasing a player. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...rriage-recently-found-out-2.html#post13105770 (half way down by @Chaparral


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

loeschmo said:


> But then the first text I get this morning is "I don't think it's going to work out, I can't stop thinking about him, I'm sick to my stomach"
> 
> I'm confused...


What's to be confused about? Your wife was working on an exit affair, got dumped, and now is pining for the OM. She's not even pretending to display remorse. She obviously doesn't give a rat's @ss about the heartache she's brought to you.

Going to MC is a waist of time and money when you have a non-remorseful spouse. It also makes you look incredibly weak to her; and thus even less attractive. In the unlikely event she turns around, MC is something that *YOU* make the call on. You don't give her a choice in the matter.

For now, your trajectory should be straight toward divorce. Period.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You might not be able to read it as it in the private section and you might not have enough posts to qualify. So I will cut and paste it 


Did you say your wife travels for work/

Print this off and let your wife read it, it makes the point better than most can.

Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. .:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

When her words and her actions seem to conflict, look at her actions.

Is it a happy marriage-she SAYS yes. But she cheating on you with OM. Her actions prove her words are lies.

Let her see what a divorce would really mean. Take half the money out of your accounts. Stop paying her credit cards/phone. Stop providing emotional support for her "confusion". Show her divorce papers.

You absolutely need to go to an attorney to find out where you stand, get some papers (or just download some off the net). You can put the brakes on it anytime you want-if she ever wakes up.

Nice-ing her out is a total waste of time, IMHO, unless you don't mind having three people in your marriage.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

JohnA said:


> *I disagree with "in six months" thinking. Yes, at times she will miss something,* but waking up late at night reaching over to touch him only to realize he is not there and never will be again. Feeling her heart fall in despair as her soul says why was I so foolish. Not going to happen. To move on he needs to accept she is gone and act on that.
> 
> Loeschmo, if at any point in the future she asks to reconsider divorce tell "I want a real women who feels about me like you feel about me. You been a foolish girl chasing a player. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/privat...rriage-recently-found-out-2.html#post13105770 (half way down by @Chaparral


IMO...What she will be missing...is the money and security that it brings. She gets to obsess about how she stupidly gave up everything and now has to pay child-support to her ex-husband....which forces her to eat mac&Cheese 5 days a week so she can make her rent on the studio apartment and still make the crushingly cruel child support payments. 

Should take about 6 months


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

loeschmo said:


> I asked if she's happy with our marriage, does she think it is good? "Yes, I'm Happy. But I'm not happy that I cant see him, so I want a divorce"
> 
> ??? I said, no, you can't, you can't have both. It doesn't work that way,


 Let there be no more confusion on this. She is not asking for "both". She is asking for a "divorce" because she has decided that she wants the other man ("OM") in her life instead of you. End of story. Nothing more to think about. You have been confused and the OM has been decisive. The OM earned her respect by demanding that she either pick you and stay in the marriage (in which case he wants nothing to do with her), or pick him and divorce you. Since she has already decided on the OM, you do not really have much of a say in this anymore, other than to decide if you will go out on your knees begging, or standing up keeping your self respect. Give her the divorce that she wants and move forward with your life without her. Do not look back or even think about giving her another chance unless she does the work and heavy lifting going forward.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should check with his ex wife and see why they divorced....... And if they are really divorced.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, have you looked at your wife's Facebook? Is there no mention or pictures there of you and your kids? I still do not believe he doesn't know she's married.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Reading through your thread, I see a lot of similarities to the end of my marriage.

Stop trying to "nice" your way into getting your marriage back on track. I hate to tell you, but your wife is done with your relationship. All that being nice is doing is proving to your wife why she wants to leave you - she has no respect for you. 

Look at it this way, she cheated on you and you are acting like everything is okay and can be fixed (typical Nice Guy). You should be pissed off and have thrown her sh*t out the door. Grab those nuts between your legs and act like a man to be reckoned with. Then she might start to have some respect for you.

At this point, learn to protect yourself, your kids, and any assets that are important to you (in that order). Based on your wife's actions and words, there is nothing to fix. I know it sucks, but you have to let her go. She will not see the error of her ways unless you boot her to the curb. Even then, she may never.

Learn your state's laws about divorce (internet is a great thing) and study up on how to protect yourself from false DV claims. Ensure you get 50/50 custody of the kids, you are their parent after all and should be in their lives.

And get yourself into individual counseling. Figure out those things about yourself that could use some changing for the better and fix them!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I know it hurts. It will hurt a lot worse, and a lot damn longer if you drag this out. It will eat a hole in your soul thinking about what you could have done to prevent this. 

YOU COULDN'T have avoided it. JLD will say that you must not have met her emotional needs, or was controlling, or whatever..... The fact is that PEOPLE DO THIS. I was once in your shoes!
Mine had all kinds of reasons why I was a horrible husband. Accepted no blame. I MADE her cheat.
Yours is not even telling you that. She just doesn't love you. SHe wants the other man.

You don't have a choice, anyway. But if it were someone telling this story to you, would you tell them to keep trying to stay married to this childish, selfish, disloyal, "person"????????

You should put divorce papers stating asset/property and custody agreement in your favor in her hand, gladly sign them, and move on. What else do you really think you can do that doesn't involve you degrading yourself and making yourself even more miserable.

I know you think you will never get over this, and your life is over. It's JUST BEGINNING!!!!!
You will be fine, and you will meet another woman eventually that will make you wonder why you ever put up with this disgusting human you're married to.

Count on it. It will happen. It matters not what you look like or how much money you make. If you're a decent person, you will find someone to love that will be loyal AND love you in return.

Please believe this. I PROMISE you it's true. It has been for me.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend you need to talk with your lawyer as soon as possible.

Also stop asking your wife this silly questions. She should apologize to you,beg for your forgivnes not the other way.

She told you in face she wants to go with OM,sleep with him,she cant stop thinking about him and the key point is she told you she wants a Divorce.

She told OM that she is Divorced. This have to clear to you my friend. No respect,no love and not even thinking about you.

She is refusing to do anything for you. Is this what you want from your wife ? 

Also dont forget to expose this to family ad friends. They knew what is going on and they were willing to cover for her so she can have a night with him. 

Please do it,she is crazy right now. She can tell all stories about you how you are abusive father and husband. You dont want to see that.


----------



## loeschmo (Jan 5, 2016)

Thanks again for all the comments and advice. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow to get D moving forward.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

loeschmo said:


> Thanks again for all the comments and advice. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow to get D moving forward.


That is the only choice she has left you with.

Her desire to leave could benefit you when it comes to divorce.

Make sure you tell the lawyer to make division of property, custody of kids, and possible alimony payments in your favor.

If she really wants out quickly she may sign almost anything to make it happen.

Make sure to take care of your kids and let her go.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Are you going to tell her? Don't. This is your time to reflect on what you need and what you can reasonable get in a divorce. Discuss in detail the process with your attorney and make him tell you about cases of BSs who's actions during the process harmed them.

Do not sleep with her. Do not let tears and I'm sorry sway you. Start now reading about what is a remorseful spouse. Not to reconcile but to help you see though her lies. This link is from a different board. Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums
(I am not impressed with this board, but if something is well written, it is well written.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When you talk with your lawyer have him design the kind of divorce that will benefit YOU.

If she is so hot for this divorce she will, hopefully, let you have the divorce that YOU want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You need to look out for #1 and #2 right now. Kids are #1, you're #2. Cheating wife is #793 on the priority list.

To protect your kids, you need to protect your ability to parent them and to provide financially for them. This means setting up for the best possible divorce settlement and custody agreement. Strike fast, because if you wait she will dig in and bring out the big (expensive) gun legal team.

There are 2 advantages to this. First, you protect your kids and yourself from the mess and long term losses of a harsh dragged out divorce where you get raped by the courts. Second, this is your best bet to smack her back into reality and rejoin the family.

The decision is all yours whether you _desire_ to remain married to her. But she is making the choice to not be married to you. You can _desire_ marriage, but you can't _have marriage_ under the existing circumstances.

You can stop the divorce process at any time. You can even get remarried to her later after a divorce if you both decide to.

There is a short time period where I think it is rational to not proceed with divorce after finding out about an affair. During this time period the cheater may come to their senses if the BS establishes some strong boundaries, and then you can proceed to R. This time period is measured in days, not weeks or months. After that time period the BS needs to start looking out for himself and his children.

Talk to a lawyer and protect yourself.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@loeschmo any updates for us?


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> @loeschmo any updates for us?


Try sending him a message. He may receive an email. It worked for me once.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I think @loeschmo has decided to stay with WS & battle it out. 

Usually when BS leave WS, they stay on TAM for support during the fallout which can go on for a long time. 
If they don't, especially when ~100% of the advice is to leave, they don't keep posting because they may feel a sort of 'shame' about not following the advice & appearing weak. 
As someone said recently, although it's a very honest forum, no one on here has all the pieces of the puzzle of a story. Sometimes, BS hold some things back because they're simply too personal. That's 'kinda' my story. I wasn't prepared to reveal everything. In hindsight, I wish I had because I wouldn't have got the 100% clamour, 'divorce'. No blame on posters here. I would have told me to divorce if I was a poster reading my thread with the information that was on there. 

I'm rambling & if you can relate, don't hesitate to post, no matter what's happening. You have children & that changes everything for BS. BS are not making a decision just for 'themselves'. It's way more complicated than that. 

Hope you are OK.


----------



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

@86857 said:


> I think @loeschmo has decided to stay with WS & battle it out.
> 
> Usually when BS leave WS, they stay on TAM for support during the fallout which can go on for a long time.
> If they don't, especially when ~100% of the advice is to leave, they don't keep posting because they may feel a sort of 'shame' about not following the advice & appearing weak.
> ...


You are so right @86857. We as humans crave validation and acceptance, for this reason we tend to over sell our side of the story or what is bothering us because we hate being told we are wrong or that we aren't justified in our feelings. This means we tend to do a great job describing a very biased version of events to ensure people sympathize with us.

In addition this is a forum for people who for the most part are betrayed spouses so our go to position is taken from a very jaded vision of what marriage is. I saw a post today that somebody was asking a question about his wife going away on a girls weekend and asking if he should be worried. If he asked it on a forum full of happily married people I'm sure he would get hundreds of responses about how there is nothing to worry about and every relationship needs time apart its healthy and nothing to worry about. On a forum full of betrayed spouses the responses tend to lean a lot more to the side of caution and suspicion. Of course none of us have the full picture only the small part of the picture with our own biases and experiences to guide our judgement and it reflects in the advice we offer.

I only hope that as people read the advice offered they also be sure they apply common sense and good judgement.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Any updates?

Was cheating wife served?


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

I would tell the OP that if he really loves this woman and doesn't want to lose half his stuff and his kids thanks to the judicial system in this country then he needs to man up. Tell her that she can see this guy if she wants to but that her marriage will effectively turn into a friends with benefits type deal if she does and that you will see other women and get your needs met elsewhere. Make sure she knows that she must still fulfill her sexual responsibilities to you or she will get served. You need to make sure that she understands that in no uncertain terms she has been downgraded from wife status. If she's a good mother, has a good job, or can maintain a clean house then use her for that. This sounds harsh but you need to start thinking of her as an asset rather than a wife. Use her for what she's worth and divest yourself emotionally from her. Start taking care of yourself if you are not already, get in shape, and enjoy some freedom. Life threw you a curveball but that doesn't mean that you can't still hit it. Sure it won't be a home run but at least you will get on base.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

niceguy28 said:


> I would tell the OP that if he really loves this woman and doesn't want to lose half his stuff and his kids thanks to the judicial system in this country then he needs to man up. Tell her that she can see this guy if she wants to but that her marriage will effectively turn into a friends with benefits type deal if she does and that you will see other women and get your needs met elsewhere. Make sure she knows that she must still fulfill her sexual responsibilities to you or she will get served. You need to make sure that she understands that in no uncertain terms she has been downgraded from wife status. If she's a good mother, has a good job, or can maintain a clean house then use her for that. This sounds harsh but you need to start thinking of her as an asset rather than a wife. Use her for what she's worth and divest yourself emotionally from her. Start taking care of yourself if you are not already, get in shape, and enjoy some freedom. Life threw you a curveball but that doesn't mean that you can't still hit it. Sure it won't be a home run but at least you will get on base.


Hey, if you are cool sharing juices with another man more power to you. I'd call it cuckolded and settling for an open marriage not needing to "man up," but to each his own.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Hey, if you are cool sharing juices with another man more power to you. I'd call it cuckolded and settling for an open marriage not needing to "man up," but to each his own.


This is just my advice for getting her to drop this guy and recommit to her marriage. It's all about showing her that he doesn't need her and that she is the one who needs to work to get him back.When she is confronted with the reality that she is no longer looked at as a wife by him she might come to her senses and realize the gravity of what she has done. This is the equivalent of her hitting rock bottom and being accountable for her actions.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Niceguy28*
> I would tell the OP that if he really loves this woman and doesn't want to lose half his stuff and his kids thanks to the judicial system in this country then he needs to man up. Tell her that she can see this guy if she wants to but that her marriage will effectively turn into a friends with benefits type deal if she does and that you will see other women and get your needs met elsewhere. Make sure she knows that she must still fulfill her sexual responsibilities to you or she will get served. You need to make sure that she understands that in no uncertain terms she has been downgraded from wife status. If she's a good mother, has a good job, or can maintain a clean house then use her for that. This sounds harsh but you need to start thinking of her as an asset rather than a wife. Use her for what she's worth and divest yourself emotionally from her. Start taking care of yourself if you are not already, get in shape, and enjoy some freedom. Life threw you a curveball but that doesn't mean that you can't still hit it. *Sure it won't be a home run but at least you will get on base.*





> I would tell the OP that *if he really loves this woman* and doesn't want to lose half his stuff and his kids thanks to the judicial system in this country then he needs to man up


The OP cannot love his wife as he does not even love himself right now nor does he respect her. This poor man has been devastated and is very weak and in survival mode; man cannot love when he is that weak. I am not putting this man down as he has been sucker punched by his selfish weak wife that cannot handle real life. He can get stronger and have a much better life and love himself and another woman.


I hope the OP puts all of his efforts into building up his children and himself. I hope that he does not try and help his wife because that will take away from his efforts with his children and himself. He is going to have to choose between her and his children and himself. 

His wife has absolutely no remorse and has disrespected the OP in a very degrading way. Her actions have weakened this man to a very low level and the LAST thing he needs to do is to compromise his integrity by doing what MICEGUY28 has suggested above. How can she be a good mother when she has chosen the OM over her children? How can she be a good mother when she has stabbed the children’s father in the back? Why would the husband (OP) sacrifice his self –esteem and self-respect so that he can possible get a good housekeeper? Why would the OP allow his wife to be filled with the juices and DNA of another man so that he can get his rocks off on her sometimes? Another woman that respected him and was loyal to him would be 1000 times better sex than his betraying back stabbing wife. In fact masturbation would be better than sex with his wife. *Unless this woman makes a compete 180 in attitude and actions there is no chance that this man has of having a good life. Even if she does do a 180 then to much damage may have already been done to save the marriage.*



> Life threw you a curveball but that doesn't mean that you can't still hit it. Sure it won't be a home run but at least you will get on base.


*Nobody ever won a game by just being on first base. The only way you win is to score at home.*


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

niceguy28 said:


> This is just my advice for getting her to drop this guy and recommit to her marriage. It's all about showing her that he doesn't need her and that she is the one who needs to work to get him back.When she is confronted with the reality that she is no longer looked at as a wife by him she might come to her senses and realize the gravity of what she has done. This is the equivalent of her hitting rock bottom and being accountable for her actions.


She does EVERYTHING the same, has two sex partners, gets to go out on dates with two men, gets to raise her kids with the biological father, doesn't break up the home life and has no consequences except they are roommates while still being married? Basically, your advice is for him to acknowledge what she is doing, but we will be friends with benefits, which is what they are already are in secret. Now, she doesn't have to sneak around and hide. No, that's about as far away from rock bottom as a person can be. Cake eating is not the equivalent of hitting rock bottom. 

I've never seen someone come to the light, when they get rewarded for their crappy behavior.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Mr Blunt said:


> The OP cannot love his wife as he does not even love himself right now nor does he respect her. This poor man has been devastated and is very weak and in survival mode; man cannot love when he is that weak. I am not putting this man down as he has been sucker punched by his selfish weak wife that cannot handle real life. He can get stronger and have a much better life and love himself and another woman.
> 
> 
> I hope the OP puts all of his efforts into building up his children and himself. I hope that he does not try and help his wife because that will take away from his efforts with his children and himself. He is going to have to choose between her and his children and himself.
> ...



You are missing the point entirely. The worst emotion in the world is indifference, not anger. By him using her instead of treating her as his wife that A) puts her in her place and B) demonstrates to her that she is no longer on his level and that he can and will do what he damn well pleases. I only say do this if he really wants her back or doesn't want to break up his family. If he doesn't care about that then he should drop her like a bad habit.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> She does EVERYTHING the same, has two sex partners, gets to go out on dates with two men, gets to raise her kids with the biological father, doesn't break up the home life and has no consequences except they are roommates while still being married? Basically, your advice is for him to acknowledge what she is doing, but we will be friends with benefits, which is what they are already are in secret. Now, she doesn't have to sneak around and hide. No, that's about as far away from rock bottom as a person can be. Cake eating is not the equivalent of hitting rock bottom.
> 
> I've never seen someone come to the light, when they get rewarded for their crappy behavior.


Knowing your husband put you on the same level as some fck buddy and doesn't view you as a wife anymore is not having your cake and eating it too. You have to understand women. They are far more emotional than we are. The idea that her husband views her that way and that he is open to finding someone smarter and prettier than she is will drive her crazy. Bottom line, she's acting like a ***** and I'm saying that he should treat her as such.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

niceguy28 said:


> Knowing your husband put you on the same level as some fck buddy and doesn't view you as a wife anymore is not having your cake and eating it too.


This assumes a cheater CARES what their spouse thinks. Most do not for quite awhile. Unless, of course, you blow the affair up.


> You have to understand women.


 I understand them more than this logical fallacy implies you do. You go ahead and believe all women hate being friends with benefits, I know better. If there is something missing in the marriage, some women (men as well) will have no problem letting someone support them, work their job, have sex and not care about the emotional entanglement of being husband and wife. Yes, while enjoying all of the business benefits of being married. Yes, gender doesn't matter, this is cake eating.



> They are far more emotional than we are.


 No, they really are not. They are ALLOWED to show their emotions, which doesn't make them "far more emotional." What you may mean is women are far more emotional *demonstrative* than men. 



> The idea that her husband views her that way and that he is open to finding someone smarter and prettier than she is will drive her crazy.


Maybe if she isn't cake eating. The affair partner is filling that void, she doesn't care what her husband does in your scenario. Since you are using cliches, I'll follow suit. Every new woman is an ugly cow to the woman she replaced.



> Bottom line, she's acting like a ***** and I'm saying that he should treat her as such.


Bottom line is, what you described was cake eating at its best.


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I understand them more than this logical fallacy implies you do. You go ahead and believe all women hate being friends with benefits, I know better. If there is something missing in the marriage, some women (men as well) will have no problem letting someone support them, work their job, have sex and not care about the emotional entanglement of being husband and wife. Yes, while enjoying all of the business benefits of being married. Yes, gender doesn't matter, this is cake eating.



So getting treated as nothing more than fck buddy or side piece that takes care of the kids by your husband of X many years is eating cake. That's a pretty disgusting cake to eat.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

niceguy28 said:


> So getting treated as nothing more than fck buddy or side piece that takes care of the kids by your husband of X many years is eating cake. That's a pretty disgusting cake to eat.


You are right fighting right now so, you are missing the point. What you described is more than a buddy, it is closer to an open relationship. The problem is, your description below makes it one sided so, it isn't even a truly open relationship. It is cake eating.
Here's what you said:


> I would tell the OP that if he really loves this woman and doesn't want to lose half his stuff and his kids thanks to the judicial system in this country then he needs to man up. *Tell her that she can see this guy if she wants to but that her marriage will effectively turn into a friends with benefits type deal if she does and that you will see other women and get your needs met elsewhere.*


 So, before he found out, he was "nothing more than fck buddy or side piece that takes care of the kids" for his wife. So your suggestion is for him to treat her the same and ignore that she has ALREADY reduced the marriage to "nothing more than fck buddy or side piece" status. So, she gets what she wants, from two different men, with no repercussions. As you wrote, she would come out on top if they divorce.

The Unified Theory of Cake - ChumpLady.com

Yes, your post is an example of cake eating. Why? As I said earlier you are assuming she'll become a quivering mess, which is rarely true especially, when the AP will fill any void created or enhanced by her husband's reciprocal infidelity.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If the wife cared about what her husband thought, she wouldn't cheat. Of she didn't need his money, she'd have already left him.

So yes, she will have the boyfriend who's already likely married, and she'll get to keep her security blanket/home/paycheck. 
Yes, it's undoubtedly cake eating and she'd probably say , "sure, that works for me". And then laugh at OP. And people liking disgusting things???????? Yeah, sadly there's a lot of people who like disgusting things.

OP should just kick her to the curb and supply walking papers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

No doubt his cheating wife would jump all over that scenario.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Last we heard from OP was that he was directing his lawyer to prep divorce papers. 

I would assume he did that. Does anyone have any reason to think otherwise?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, any number of threads on TAM alone have made me jaded on what some men type and what they actually do.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Niceguy28 you got this all wrong. What you suggest to OP is not a Marriage or FWB or any kind of partership. I call it humiliation.

I guess you are 28 and you are around my age,but it would be nice if you think about your life and your priorities. Some day some woman will walk all over you and you will only have to blame yourself for that.

Like TDSC60 said OP was going for Divorce and I wish him the luck. He deserves better


----------

