# Respect: Woman's POV



## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

Last Sun, after a fairly uneventful week, I offered to run to the store (literally 5 minutes away, around the corner) to get something for breakfast.

My wife's eyes grew wide, and she proceeded to tell me that things like that (I had offered to take something back for her to another place during the week since she didn't like it and works a lot) made her lose respect for me since I subsumed my wishes or needs to hers.

I could go on, but the bottom line is, when I drop what I'm doing to take care of something for her she interprets that as a lack of self-worth and loses "respect" for me.

Needless to say its been a chilly week.

Am I crazy, or does she have a point?


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

In the two examples you provided, I don't see your actions as wimpy or subservient. I see them as thoughtful and helpful. I wonder if she's feeling guilty for something?

If you are always putting HER needs first and don't ever take care of your needs, that is unattractive to most women. If you ALWAYS drop what you are doing to cater to her, that is unattractive. But if you are just offering her help like any caring husband, there is nothing wrong with that!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your wife, apparently, doesn't want a "nice guy". But here's something to think about. You can still be a nice guy to her, and earn her respect. Go get breakfast , but next time, make her think you did it because you wanted it. Or return her item, but make her think you were doing it because you were mad at the store for selling [email protected] 

Are you a "nice guy" in general? Read up the "man up" threads in the men's forum, and see if it hits home. If it does, try to start making changes and see how she responds to you. And remember, manning up and not being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you have to be a jerk!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

You can ask her why she is out of the kitchen because that's where she's supposed to be.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I cant work out from your post if you do it often or only twice. I wonder if she does the same for you. You say you drop what youre doing that means you are in the middle of something for yourself and dont finish it. She sees it as overdoing things for her and she doesnt like it. She most likely is independent, self sufficient, and wants to stay that way. She wants to prove to you she can manage on her own.


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

If you arent a doormat all the time than you were definately being sweet and thoughtful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

Good points all...

No, I would never describe myself as a doormat, and yes my wife is extremely independent and self-sufficient. 

I have found that most things in life aren't all that important so if I stop what I'm doing to do something for her, or see the movie she likes, or eat at the restaurant she likes, who cares? I have plenty of time to do and go where I want when I feel like it without her.

Yes, I do things for her all the time because to me they're just little ways of saying I care. No, she does not tend to do things for me. She is just not affectionate or thoughtful in that way.

Yes, I may be a nice guy and she may not want that - not sure. Have to read up on that thread.

By the way; I love my wife very much so please don't read my current confusion about her behavior or words as anything other than just that - confusion.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I seem to have got it right. You write its been a chilly week, so youre not exactly satisfied. We would need a lot more information like does she work, I gather not, or at least not much, was it always like this, how long youve been married, does she also love you, do you have kids etc. etc.
At the moment one cannot give advice of how you should carry on. You seem to want to carry on as till now, because you are doing the right thing, but doing the right thing is not always the 'right' thing in marriage.


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

Hmmm... More background then.

My wife works 40+ hours/week as the head of an agency; her work is demanding but 9-5; she does not bring it home or work late or weekends. Second marriage for us both; our kids are grown and gone. Known each other five years, married one. No; do not like the way things go now; yes would like to make this better for both of us, not just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You forgot to mention if you think she loves you.
So she is high powered. I suppose with many workers beneath her. Used to giving orders but not receiving any.
Where are you would you say.
And who gives the orders in your house.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Chelle D said:


> No, you're not crazy. Sounds like she is.
> 
> I for one would absolutely love if hubby would be as considerate to think about helping with little things like that... much less following thru and actually kicking in a hand.
> 
> Her actually saying that you subsumed your needs to hers and that made her lose respect for you???? That just seems very odd to me. I mean, I know there are other types of relationships than the traditional, and of course mine, but , of ALL my friends at work... I don't think a SINGLE one of them would have had that attitude toward a husband that offered to help with something. I seriously can't image one of them thinking that.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Not quite sure I know a woman, working or not (hint I'm a SAHM!!!) who wouldn't love it!!!!:rofl::rofl:


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

LOL! Interesting!

There are no orders in the house; I do most of the chores although she does 60% of the cooking. She loves me the best that she can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Wow, no, I don't think you're crazy. She may be though. When my husband does considerate things like that for me I have more time to get everything else on my list done, and maybe even relax a little. In turn that gives us more time to spend together doing something fun, which usually results in more "intimate" time. In my head I know he isn't doing it completely selfishly, he knows he usually gets "rewarded" at some point later, but I don't care, I just appreciate that he does it. Maybe tell your wife that.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

mrhappy2u said:


> Good points all...
> 
> No, I would never describe myself as a doormat, and yes my wife is extremely independent and self-sufficient.
> 
> ...


 For some reason, (okay, because I've seen it in my house) I personally, as a woman, take this part as "being too nice".

I don't feel very respectful when someone says "whatever you want to do is fine with me". It's okay to voice your opinion, and do things you both enjoy. Really.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Regardless of what I think, it sounds as though she wants you to be less fussy over her. Or you could just run to the store to get the supplies YOU think are needed, rather than asking / offering. Just a thought.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

That's weird.... I would personally love it if my husband went out to get breakfast in the morning, or took something back for me if I didn't have time.

To me, sounds like she isn't as invested in the relationship and doesn't like feeling like she 'owes' you anything.


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

All helpful, but.....

I really don't get this too nice thing. Women, please help me here: how the hell can a husband be too nice?

And if you don't want nice, what do you want?

I really am at a loss here ladies... And I really love my wife!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I personally love when my hubs either offers or just does the running for supplies for a nice breakfast. I don't understand it either - which is why I said "regardless of what I think" and tried to give a slightly different take on the doing rather than the offering.

I don't think of him as a doormat. I think of him as considerate. If hubs does an errand for me, I really appreciate it. And vice verse. Does she consider you in this way in return?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't think that you can be too nice either, but I have learned from this site that there are some women who will lose respect for their husbands if he does too much for them. I think they feel like the man becomes a doormat, and they do not respect a doormat.

I would back off a bit, be a bit cooler toward her, do not be so quick to run errands for her. Pay more attention to your own interests, and see if this does not restore her respect for you.


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

I hear you loversherman... Its a shame in my opinion, but it has been bothering me obviously (who writes to a forum when things are going well?)

Yes, I love to do things for her, and take care of chores around the house in addition to fixing things, and just in general make her life more enjoyable, at least at home.

And, in answer to heartsbeating and Lydia, no I don't believe she's as invested in this relationship as me, and no she does not often if ever do favors for me. Does it make me a doormat becuase I love her? I don't think so. But the truth is it wears on me to give all the time, and get so little back.

Probably is time to focus more on me, and let her do what she wants how she wants and let things settle to whatever they will be.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The too nice parts that I noticed were the things like going to movies that she wants to see, or eating at restaurants she wants to, and you go do what YOU want to do when she isn't with you. It's no big deal. 

I can't speak for your wife, but my own personal feelings...
And maybe just because I understand the woman exec side of this, I will say that being the boss all day and working long hours is great, nice paycheque. But when I go home, I'm looking for a man to take charge. In some ways. I don't want to be coddled or put on a pedestal. 
I appreciate it when chores are done and I have more relax time. That is considerate. But I don't want to have a puppy follow me around. 
I want to know if someone disagrees with me, or wants to do something different than I do. I can get "yes ma'am" all day. It would really bother ME if my spouse just went along with every movie or restaurant and I knew they would do something different. 

Ah, don't know if I am able to express this properly. But I wouldn't like it. I would want to be the wife in the marriage, not the husband.


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

Yes deejov, I see your point. You're saying what I view as considerate she views as subservient. Interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Maybe next time, don't "ask her" if she wants you to pick up breakfast.. Just go DO it. Just do the helping things you WANT to do. If she asks you "Why did you....XXXX for me?" Don't say that you were trying to help , or you thought it would be a nice jesture, etc. Say something like , "Because I WANTED to get some breakfast today, you got a problem with that?" (maybe in kind of a short tone, like as if she asks you this all the time & you are tired of explaining it).

I mean, I'm not encouraging to talk mean to her, but maybe a different tone/ words could make the difference to her & reassure her that you are not trying to "be beneath" her. Just a thought.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Sometimes one buys a shoe bigger than ones foot. There is a saying even if a princess marries a stable lad she has to see him as her king and only then will he see her as his queen.
Your wife is in a mans position at work. She wants to be treated as a man. Its as simple as that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

deejov said:


> I want to know if someone disagrees with me, or wants to do something different than I do. I can get "yes ma'am" all day. It would really bother ME if my spouse just went along with every movie or restaurant and I knew they would do something different.


:iagree: 

There needs to be give and take. I agree with deejov here - I like that my guy has his own interests and taste in movies etc. It's just a shame that I don't get any brownie points for seeing Ironman or Planet of the Apes with him, because he knows I want to see those movies too.  .....the consideration needs to go both ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lydia said:


> That's weird.... I would personally love it if my husband went out to get breakfast in the morning, or took something back for me if I didn't have time.
> 
> To me, sounds like she isn't as invested in the relationship and doesn't like feeling like she 'owes' you anything.


I love it when my husband does things for me. 

When we are together and he get up he asks me if I need anything. If I tell him I want a drink, a sandwich, whatever he gets it. I do the same for him. It's just sweet and I love it.

It seem that too many people are not charishing the little things thier spouse does for them. They are foolish.


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## mrhappy2u (Dec 16, 2011)

Thanks all for your different perspectives; I do have much to think about. The good news is my wife and I are in love, and my original question was driven from an intent to make that love stronger and more robust, and some of the answers here seem to help me with that.

While a leopard can never change its spots, I can do some things slightly differently and still be a leopard. I can do what I want, and what I feel like especially in regards to my wife without asking permission. I can meet my own needs and desires without feeling like I am denying hers, as long as there is a balance.

And most of all I can simply rely on my gut to help me know when I am feeling balanced about the relationship and when I need to adjust. As I said, all the ideas here certainly give me something to think about. Thanks again


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