# I cheated and now I'm dealing with it



## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

This is going to be quiet long so grab some popcorn. 
My husband and I met 7 years ago, we've been married for 4. so a little over a year ago I had an emotional affair. I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty, I still do to this day. We just heavily flirted, nothing sexual. So one day his girlfriend face booked my husband and told him that she found a bra strap and hair tie and automatically assumed it was mine. my husband messaged the guy to hear his side of the emotional affair and we basically told the same story, then one day AGAIN he gets a message and it says "we did ****" we ended up taking a month break earlier this year and we're back together now but lately things have just gotten worse. He says he can't look at me the same, he doesn't love me the same and it hurts because I'm trying my hardest to make everything better. I've considered counseling which he doesn't want to do, I've tried setting up date nights which he doesn't want to do. He basically wants to be alone all the time and not spend time with me or the kids. I get it that he's hurt and lost but he was the one who said many times that he wanted to move past it and better our marriage. Idk what to do, I've told him to even contact the guy again and ask why he would say that. He has access to my phone, my text messages and everything but I'm not upset because I know he doesn't trust me. I just want him to be able to trust me and we can move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

So your emotional affair partner lied about the level of your involvement, is that what you are saying?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

As a WS spouse myself who trickle truthed what I did to my husband (told him 3 years ago I kissed his friend, but I actually did more and just told him 6 weeks ago) my assumption is he doesn't want to let you go, but he feels like he's not getting the full story so he's got a wall up. He probably feels like an EA is forgivable but if you ****ed him it's not and he's in limbo land of what to believe. 

My husband was willing to forgive a kiss, even though he admitted he always thought more happened. It ate at him for 3 years until he finally asked me for a separation. That's when I finally came clean and now he wants a divorce. 

My suggestion would be to come completely clean. You could lose him over that. But until you do, he's going to have all sorts of thoughts in his head, like mine did, and those thoughts are going to fester until there's nothing left to save.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

khsm said:


> This is going to be quiet long so grab some popcorn.
> My husband and I met 7 years ago, we've been married for 4. so a little over a year ago I had an emotional affair. I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty, I still do to this day. We just heavily flirted, nothing sexual. So one day his girlfriend face booked my husband and told him that she found a bra strap and hair tie and automatically assumed it was mine. my husband messaged the guy to hear his side of the emotional affair and we basically told the same story, then one day AGAIN he gets a message and it says "we did ****" we ended up taking a month break earlier this year and we're back together now but lately things have just gotten worse. He says he can't look at me the same, he doesn't love me the same and it hurts because I'm trying my hardest to make everything better. I've considered counseling which he doesn't want to do, I've tried setting up date nights which he doesn't want to do. He basically wants to be alone all the time and not spend time with me or the kids. I get it that he's hurt and lost but he was the one who said many times that he wanted to move past it and better our marriage. Idk what to do, I've told him to even contact the guy again and ask why he would say that. He has access to my phone, my text messages and everything but I'm not upset because I know he doesn't trust me. I just want him to be able to trust me and we can move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We could probably use a lot more information. How many kids do you both have? How old are they? Do you work outside of the home? 

How did you meet the OM? Who sent him the message saying you and the OM banged? Why would they say it if it wasn't true? Be honest with us. Did you bang the OM? No one here knows who you are, so you've got nothing to fear from us. We can't offer good advice if you aren't honest about your situation.

Have you gone NC with the OM yet? Are you getting IC? Has your husband considered IC if he won't go to MC?


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> So your emotional affair partner lied about the level of your involvement, is that what you are saying?


Basically, he told my husband the same version that I told my husband. He even admitted to me that his girlfriend later got on his Facebook to message my husband again and said we ****ed. Which we didn't, we just flirted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> As a WS spouse myself who trickle truthed what I did to my husband (told him 3 years ago I kissed his friend, but I actually did more and just told him 6 weeks ago) my assumption is he doesn't want to let you go, but he feels like he's not getting the full story so he's got a wall up. He probably feels like an EA is forgivable but if you ****ed him it's not and he's in limbo land of what to believe.
> 
> My husband was willing to forgive a kiss, even though he admitted he always thought more happened. It ate at him for 3 years until he finally asked me for a separation. That's when I finally came clean and now he wants a divorce.
> 
> My suggestion would be to come completely clean. You could lose him over that. But until you do, he's going to have all sorts of thoughts in his head, like mine did, and those thoughts are going to fester until there's nothing left to save.



But the thing is, I've told him everything. I've told him the truth, we never had a sexual affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

Define flirting.. What was the nature of the emotional affair?


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> We could probably use a lot more information. How many kids do you both have? How old are they? Do you work outside of the home?
> 
> How did you meet the OM? Who sent him the message saying you and the OM banged? Why would they say it if it wasn't true? Be honest with us. Did you bang the OM? No one here knows who you are, so you've got nothing to fear from us. We can't offer good advice if you aren't honest about your situation.
> 
> Have you gone NC with the OM yet? Are you getting IC? Has your husband considered IC if he won't go to MC?


We have 2 kids age 5 and 4. I worked outside from home and now I'm currently working at the same place as my husband. His girlfriend messaged my husband the first time and then got on her boyfriends Facebook and told my husband that we had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

sparrow555 said:


> Define flirting.. What was the nature of the emotional affair?


we flirted and sometimes would make sexual jokes, he wanted to get intimate but I didn't. He would touch my waist and my sides, that didn't start until I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Offer to take a polygraph.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Maybe you've told him the full truth. He probably feels like you haven't.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Maybe you've told him the full truth. He probably feels like you haven't.


But I've told him the same story for over a year, every time we fight he throws it in my face. I feel like he likes the fact that he can throw it in my face so he refuses to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Then you ask him what it takes for him to believe you're telling the truth and you ask him what it will take to fix what's broken.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> Then you ask him what it takes for him to believe you're telling the truth and you ask him what it will take to fix what's broken.


I been asking him for the past year and he just says "idk" he says it's a personal problem and I understand but I just don't want to feel like "oh is he ok today? Is he gonna talk to me?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

khsm said:


> But I've told him the same story for over a year, every time we fight he throws it in my face. I feel like he likes the fact that he can throw it in my face so he refuses to move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you strong enough to leave him? 

Because I think that is what you should do. He sounds dysfunctional.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

jld said:


> Are you strong enough to leave him?
> 
> Because I think that is what you should do. He sounds dysfunctional.


I don't want to leave him, I choose not to. I want to fix what I ruined, I want to make things right and go back to when we were happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

khsm said:


> I don't want to leave him, I choose not to. I want to fix what I ruined, I want to make things right and go back to when we were happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think you can go back. You can go forward together, and be happy. But you would have to do it_ together. _Is he up for that?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He is checking out of the marriage because he doesn't believe it wasn't a physical affair and he can't trust you. I don't know how you convince him it wasn't. I think he is over reacting and he is going to loose his family if he keeps it up because I'm not sure how long you can live with a husband who is always upset with you and has checked out of the marriage.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He's overreacting? The POS said he banged her. Everyone here knows that wayward spouses lie and trickle truth. Now her husband is supposed to believe his wife that was acting shady.

The only way will be to offer to take a lie detector. It may save your family.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> He is checking out of the marriage because he doesn't believe it wasn't a physical affair and he can't trust you. I don't know how you convince him it wasn't. *I think he is over reacting and he is going to loose his family if he keeps it up because I'm not sure how long you can live with a husband who is always upset with you and has checked out of the marriage*.


I agree. You are sorry, you have told him the truth, and you will surely never do it again. At this point it is up to him to decide to work with you to heal the marriage. It has to be done _together._


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Don't listen to the "woman is always the victim" crowd on here. It will just lead you to a long, slow and painful divorce. You broke it. You have to bridge the gap. You are an adult, not a child who has to be led by her big strong stoic husband.

Look, you had an affair on your husband. Even if it was mostly emotional, his trust in you just took about the largest hit it ever could. Now someone is telling him you also physically cheated, something that he is already inclined to believe.

If you haven't already, give him full transparency. (Phone, email, social media) Then schedule a polygraph. Don't just talk a good game, prove through your actions that you are now an honest and safe partner.

Trust is slow to earn, especially after being broken. Give him some time. Its not even a year out yet. The fact some people are thinking he should be over this proves they have never lived it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

@SlowlyGoingCrazy 

SGC, you went through something similar, no? Could you give the OP some advice?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

khsm said:


> This is going to be quiet long so grab some popcorn.
> My husband and I met 7 years ago, we've been married for 4. so a little over a year ago I had an emotional affair. I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty, I still do to this day. We just heavily flirted, nothing sexual. So one day his girlfriend face booked my husband and told him that she found a bra strap and hair tie and automatically assumed it was mine. my husband messaged the guy to hear his side of the emotional affair and we basically told the same story, then one day AGAIN he gets a message and it says "we did ****" we ended up taking a month break earlier this year and we're back together now but lately things have just gotten worse. He says he can't look at me the same, he doesn't love me the same and it hurts because I'm trying my hardest to make everything better. I've considered counseling which he doesn't want to do, I've tried setting up date nights which he doesn't want to do. He basically wants to be alone all the time and not spend time with me or the kids. I get it that he's hurt and lost but he was the one who said many times that he wanted to move past it and better our marriage. Idk what to do, I've told him to even contact the guy again and ask why he would say that. He has access to my phone, my text messages and everything but I'm not upset because I know he doesn't trust me. I just want him to be able to trust me and we can move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You arrange a lie detector session with three questions

1) Did you have a non-sexual affair with OM?
2) Did you have any sexual contact with OM?
3) Did you have sexual intercourse with OM?

You will -of course- pass the test.

Then you and your husband must decide what -legal- action to take about your OM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

khsm said:


> We have 2 kids age 5 and 4. I worked outside from home and now I'm currently working at the same place as my husband. His girlfriend messaged my husband the first time and then got on her boyfriends Facebook and told my husband that we had sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, *of course* it was his girlfriend who did it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jld said:


> @SlowlyGoingCrazy
> 
> SGC, you went through something similar, no? Could you give the OP some advice?


Yes, after my EA my husband was pretty bad too and eventually used it to justify to himself his own affair (PA) so I guess my advice would be to watch for that too. 

He is not doing anything to fix things, refusing all suggestions you make, not going out on dates or being with you alone. That's on him. If he can't deal with it and work to build a better relationship with you then he should just say so and you both can move on. There's nothing wrong with leaving after an affair. 
There IS something wrong with staying but being bitter and refusing to work on anything and holding it against you. 

I would present marriage builders to him. It both addresses the affair and what needs to happen to strengthen your marriage. If he can't jump on board with it then it's time to move on.


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## Florida_rosbif (Oct 18, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes, after my EA my husband was pretty bad too and eventually used it to justify to himself his own affair (PA) so I guess my advice would be to watch for that too.
> 
> He is not doing anything to fix things, refusing all suggestions you make, not going out on dates or being with you alone. That's on him. If he can't deal with it and work to build a better relationship with you then he should just say so and you both can move on. There's nothing wrong with leaving after an affair.
> *There IS something wrong with staying but being bitter and refusing to work on anything and holding it against you*.
> ...


A bit facile in my opinion. Wherever you got there seems to be the wisdom that you shouldn't react in haste, time is the great healer, the feelings will die down, and so on. OP's man is hanging in there, hasn't blown the relationship to pieces, and is just suffering it the way a guy does. 

Yes he could work on it, maybe push him towards cognitive behavioural therapy, but don't hang him out to dry because he finds this issue hard to deal with!


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> He would touch my waist and my sides, that didn't start until I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


May I ask how many times this occurred? For the record, you should know before you answer this that I too am a cheater and we are in reconciliation.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Just offer a polygraph. Sheesh. No sane dude is going to believe this. You broke it, now fix it. This isn't his problem that he doesn't believe you. If you play victim then you lose. Make an appointment.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

khsm said:


> I don't want to leave him, I choose not to. I want to fix what I ruined, I want to make things right and go back to when we were happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another cheater in recon here. 
EA's hurt too. Understand that you can't control your H and he is going to do what he wants. That's in his yard. 
But, if you want to save your marriage, get out the tools and start ripping up the floor. There's obviously some rotten boards down there. 
Before I would have poo-pooed counseling as some sort of hokum. I now believe firmly in the importance of getting help examining the deeper issues. I still attend IC and occasional MC sessions. 
Not all counselors are created equal. Took me two or three to find one that is very very good.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You BH is hurt, untrusting, still unbelieving, all perfectly normal under the circumstances. The follow up message "we *****" hasn't helped I am sure, so now he doesn't know what to believe.
You have to sit down and write him a long letter to him explaining how, what, why this happened and you found yourself in the place you did. Tell him the whole truth is in the letter and give him a choice to read it. No excuses, no justifications just the raw truth. Tell him you are prepared to do whatever it takes to heal him and the marriage. You know he is hurting and you are sorry you hurt him but he has to tell you what he needs to move forward.

You should read this to understand where he is now. Eventually you may want to consider some MC, though if you can work through it alone it would be better. Whatever you do, do not allow it to be rug swept as this will only result in resentment and more problems later and even a revenge affair.

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Why would the guy tell you and his girlfriend that he had a PA with you?

Just not seeing any motivation for doing that.

Neither does your husband obviously.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Arrange for the polygraph using YOUR money. Write out a timeline of all the 'flirting' and hand it to him. Find a counselor and make an appointment and tell him you've made it. If he refuses to go with you, go anyway. Let him SEE you going, Someone who cheats within seven years of getting married had some issues that need to be ironed out with a professional. And make sure he has NO access to you in any way - FB, email, phone - all cut off.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

How deep did the EA go? Long talks where you badmouthed your husband? Proclaimed love for the other man? Talk about a future with the OM? Naked photos?

I'm the type that I don't much worry about "harmless flirting" (though many here will say flirting is never harmless to be sure, and I get that). But to me lines get crossed and it takes it to a whole other level if you this "flirting" starts laying the groundwork for future indiscretions, or if you are sharing things you clearly should never share with someone else (disrespecting husband, sending nude photos, talking about love, discussing explicit sex acts, etc).

I believe I could get past most of that myself...if she was truly remorseful and did the work to correct it. Problem is I've made a TON of hard sacrifices for my W, and in this case, I could not tolerate or accept such a thing. Is your H in that position? That can make the tolerable, unforgiveable sometimes.

Also, right now, he probably wants to believe you, but the unknown is eating away at him. Especially since the OM's woman (or even possibly the OM posing as his woman) tossed a grenade into your reconciliation process by stating you screwed him. 

Until that gets resolved, you're headed for a dead end more than likely. He will always question what actually happened now. And it's going to eat at his soul. 

I ordinarily don't recommend them, and personally don't trust them, but in this case, I would recommend you (you, not him) set up a polygraph exam. Let your H dictate the questions to be asked, but you set it up and pay for it. Take the lead on this one, and SHOW him you need for him to know that you want him to know the full truth so he can make a fully educated decision on what his future with you should be.

Take the poly, pass it, do the work to repair the damage you've done, and I'd have to think you can get past this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He has no reason to believe you and every reason not to.

There is no way to convince him that isn't going to look like you're lying to him more.

Sorry, I don't buy the "girlfriend got on his facebook" story any more than your husband is, or any other guy would. I mean, why are you even still friends with this guy on facebook if it was such a mistake for you?

Focus on helping him trust you now, without demanding what you don't have a right to.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

marduk said:


> He has no reason to believe you and every reason not to.
> 
> There is no way to convince him that isn't going to look like you're lying to him more.
> 
> ...


Word...To be honest, I don't believe the OP is being entirely honest with the community. I saw red flags with the...


> He would touch my waist and my sides, that didn't start until I told him I wanted nothing to do with him.


Leads me to believe that the "touching" has occurred more than once...and no explanation as to what her response to his "touching" was.

I smell a rat.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

If my wife told me that her EA partner was close enough to put hands on her (like yours did when he touched your waist), I'd assume it went physical (PIV) and bounce right out of that marriage. Are you sure you're not trickle-truthing US?


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

I have a buddy whose wife let her ex-husband stay at their house for like three nights while my buddy was at work. She swears nothing happened. Obviously that caused a problem and when my buddy's wife asked me what I would do if my wife did that to me, I told her point blank, "I'd divorce her."


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

stevehowefan said:


> I have a buddy whose wife let her ex-husband stay at their house for like three nights while my buddy was at work. She swears nothing happened. Obviously that caused a problem and when my buddy's wife asked me what I would do if my wife did that to me, I told her point blank, "I'd divorce her."


Mind did that to me early on, about 1.5 years in. One night. He was up there with the kids. She said he stayed in a hotel. I found out differently. All hell broke loose. Broke up with her a week later when I confronted. Even though I knew nothing happened (VAR'ed her azz). It was weeks before I even talked to her again.

The stupid thing was, I told her I'd be ok with it, just let me know. She lied anyway...a "white lie". Because "it was nothing" (true), and she didn't want me to worry. 

The lies, even innocent "white lies" eat away at the trust. I forgave and forgot because she's got a heart of gold, nothing happened, and she made a "mistake" with no ill will or hidden agenda. But you can bet her world was rocked sufficiently that she has not (to my knowledge) made such a mistake again. She learned hard and fast I do not tolerate someone I can't trust. Hard couple of weeks dishing out consequences (the "break up"), but had to be done.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

Nothing physical happened between the other guy and myself. He didn't start touching me like that until i said I wanted to cut all ties and his girlfriend moved out. The thing is I've offered poly, I've offered marriage counseling and at one point I even told him to meet me there and if he didn't then I would understand what he wants to do. But before we even met we "patched" everything, I'm not playing victim. I've hurt him and now I'm dealing with it, I just need help with what I should do next. He doesn't come home until 2-3 in the morning now, he ignores my calls. He's not only treating me like crap but he's treating these innocent children like crap when they have nothing to do with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

He's detaching from you because he doesn't see a future with you. There is not a guy out there that wants to build something with a woman who will give herself to someone else.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

khsm said:


> Nothing physical happened between the other guy and myself. He didn't start touching me like that until i said I wanted to cut all ties and his girlfriend moved out. The thing is I've offered poly, I've offered marriage counseling and at one point I even told him to meet me there and if he didn't then I would understand what he wants to do. But before we even met we "patched" everything, I'm not playing victim. I've hurt him and now I'm dealing with it, I just need help with what I should do next. He doesn't come home until 2-3 in the morning now, he ignores my calls. He's not only treating me like crap but he's treating these innocent children like crap when they have nothing to do with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Mr.Fisty, do you think you could help here?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

khsm said:


> Nothing physical happened between the other guy and myself. He didn't start touching me like that until i said I wanted to cut all ties and his girlfriend moved out. The thing is I've offered poly, I've offered marriage counseling and at one point I even told him to meet me there and if he didn't then I would understand what he wants to do. But before we even met we "patched" everything, I'm not playing victim. I've hurt him and now I'm dealing with it, I just need help with what I should do next. He doesn't come home until 2-3 in the morning now, he ignores my calls. He's not only treating me like crap but he's treating these innocent children like crap when they have nothing to do with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing physical happened except him touching you... right.

And the OM's girlfriend got on FB to freak out your husband... right.

You wanted a poly relationship but swear nothing happened... right.

You're dealing with it exactly how?

Your marriage is done. Let him go.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

marduk said:


> Nothing physical happened except him touching you... right.
> 
> And the OM's girlfriend got on FB to freak out your husband... right.
> 
> ...


I think by "poly" she meant "polygraph", not "polyamory".


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

technovelist said:


> I think by "poly" she meant "polygraph", not "polyamory".


oh, ok, my bad.

I think he's done though. I sure would be.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

khsm said:


> I don't want to leave him, I choose not to. I want to fix what I ruined, I want to make things right and go back to when we were happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it that you don't want to leave _Him_, or that you don't want to end the relationship you have in your head you're hoping for....?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

donny64 said:


> Take the poly, pass it, do the work to repair the damage you've done, and I'd have to think you can get past this.


If the "truth" mattered it could be taken on faith - something deeper is causing a barrier.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> Nothing physical happened between the other guy and myself. He didn't start touching me like that until i said I wanted to cut all ties and his girlfriend moved out.


OK, but you still didn't answer my question...How many times did he "touch" you?


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> OK, but you still didn't answer my question...How many times did he "touch" you?


He touched me twice, the first time I got real upset and went off on him in front of the employees. The second time he did it he laughed and I called him to the back and told him if he didn't stop I would get HR involved
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

khsm said:


> We have 2 kids age 5 and 4. I worked outside from home and now I'm currently working at the same place as my husband. His girlfriend messaged my husband the first time and *then got on her boyfriends Facebook and told my husband that we had sex.*


How do you know this? Are you still in contact with exOM?


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Lets be realistic, It takes time to heal from affairs some take at least 3-5 years. You must do your part of being a safe partner in that time. Continue to go to Individual Counseling you will learn to heal not only yourself but also your partner.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

azteca1986 said:


> How do you know this? Are you still in contact with exOM?


No I have no contact with any of them. It happened a couple of days after he told my husband his version of our story
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

Currently I've taken the boys and we moved out, I'm currently hurt because he tells me we are "separated" and he loves me but he'll go tell everyone he hates me and is leaving me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

khsm said:


> No I have no contact with any of them. It happened a couple of days after he told my husband his version of our story
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Any of them?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Trust once broken is hard to get back. The truth way after the fact is always suspect.

That's the reality of what you're dealing with.

Maybe some time will help who knows. You should have learned a valuable lesson for your future life. 

Better prepare for what's next if this isn't fixable. At this point it isn't in your hands any longer.

Better see a lawyer and find out what your options are.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

marduk said:


> Any of them?


None of them, I don't even have contact with the company I worked at
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think what he meant was the term "them" when in the context of an other man. Was it a "him" or a "them"?

If it is a him, what are you referring to when you say "them"?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Khsm

I am a betrayed spouse, after reading your posts I have more questions then answers. Now what I'm telling you is how I perceive you to be, and quite possibly your husband. My wife had an affair with a coworker also, and if you think sex at work doesn't happen think again, because that's where my wife had sex with her OM. You need to understand your husband is thinking the worst. Your husband can't believe it stopped at touching at the waist, would you if the roles were reversed?

Khsm, for how long were you in this affair? How did your husband find out? Did you confess to him? Did you tell him the entire truth when he found out? How long did you work with OM after the affair stopped? 

You see these are all questions that he has. And then you posted that you wish he would move on so you can go back to being happy like before. Your marriage is dead, it died the day you began your affair. You can't go back to that marriage now, you can only keep the memories. You Ned's to build a new marriage from the ground up. And this is your work to do, your husband needs to fix himself. You also need to fix yourself, figure out what was the reason why you cheated. Are you making your husband feel safe? Are you remorseful and regretful?

Now before answering those last two questions I caution you to think very hard about them. Because this is why your husband detaching and appearing to be moving on without you as his wife. Are you sorry you got caught? Or are you sorry that you killed your marriage and more importantly your husband. You figure this out and I'll come back to give you more feedback.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am sorry that things have progressed to this point, however, I will tell you that you can't fix this marriage. To fix the relationship it takes the total commitment of both parties. Right now you need to concentrate on the children and yourself. Try to set up a schedule for the children to see their father, he will either get out of his funk and see his children or he won't , you can't control that either. I suggest to consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights, but you don't have to file anytime soon, there is plenty of time for that later. Look to find out why you felt the need to look elsewhere, so that it is not repeated with either this relationship or the next. Hopefully with time he will have a change of heart, but you have no control over him and you have enough to handle with your problems.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hate is not something we feel about people we don't care about.

Men suck at identifying and separating their emotions - hate probably means hurt, pain, suffering, disappointment, anguish.

Be aware of that when you react to his use of the term "hate"


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

khsm said:


> This is going to be quiet long so grab some popcorn.
> My husband and I met 7 years ago, we've been married for 4. so a little over a year ago I had an emotional affair. I knew it was wrong and I felt guilty, I still do to this day. We just heavily flirted, nothing sexual. So one day his girlfriend face booked my husband and told him that she found a bra strap and hair tie and automatically assumed it was mine. my husband messaged the guy to hear his side of the emotional affair and we basically told the same story, then one day AGAIN he gets a message and it says "we did ****" we ended up taking a month break earlier this year and we're back together now but lately things have just gotten worse. He says he can't look at me the same, he doesn't love me the same and it hurts because I'm trying my hardest to make everything better. I've considered counseling which he doesn't want to do, I've tried setting up date nights which he doesn't want to do. He basically wants to be alone all the time and not spend time with me or the kids. I get it that he's hurt and lost but he was the one who said many times that he wanted to move past it and better our marriage. Idk what to do, I've told him to even contact the guy again and ask why he would say that. He has access to my phone, my text messages and everything but I'm not upset because I know he doesn't trust me. I just want him to be able to trust me and we can move on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I hope you can repair your marriage but I have to ask why did you get flirty with this guy to begin with. Was there problems in your marriage before this happened?


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

6301 said:


> I hope you can repair your marriage but I have to ask why did you get flirty with this guy to begin with. Was there problems in your marriage before this happened?


After having 2 kids he was constantly telling me how fat and disgusting I was (I'm a size 3 with 2 tiny stretch marks on my belly) he was telling me how ugly I looked and my body was so nasty. I felt disgusting and unattractive. Then the co worker came along and was always telling me how amazing I looked after having 2 boys and how nice I looked everyday..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> After having 2 kids he was constantly telling me how fat and disgusting I was (I'm a size 3 with 2 tiny stretch marks on my belly) he was telling me how ugly I looked and my body was so nasty. I felt disgusting and unattractive. Then the co worker came along and was always telling me how amazing I looked after having 2 boys and how nice I looked everyday..


I have a serious issue with how you're painting this. You're not taking responsibility for your actions. You're blaming your husband as the reason why you let this man touch you.

You need to own your behavior before you can progress. I was involved in 2 EAs on D-Day...but I never once blamed my spouse for my behavior. It is/was entirely on me. 

Once you own it...Then you'll begin to see the pain you have caused. Stop blaming and begin to get better.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Khsm
> 
> I am a betrayed spouse, after reading your posts I have more questions then answers. Now what I'm telling you is how I perceive you to be, and quite possibly your husband. My wife had an affair with a coworker also, and if you think sex at work doesn't happen think again, because that's where my wife had sex with her OM. You need to understand your husband is thinking the worst. Your husband can't believe it stopped at touching at the waist, would you if the roles were reversed?
> 
> ...





It happened for about 3 months, his girlfriend messaged him on Facebook and when he asked me about it I told him. I worked with the OM for 3 months after because I was trying to transfer locations but I just ended up leaving the company. I feel like my husband should feel safe, he has access to everything I do. I don't hide anything, I tell him everything, when he wants to go out I don't argue. I regret everything I did, I honestly do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

And don't get me wrong...I am all too familiar with what it feels like to have someone other than your spouse validate you. As long as we seek validation from others, we will never have any sort of healthy, loving relationship. I sought it too.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> I have a serious issue with how you're painting this. You're not taking responsibility for your actions. You're blaming your husband as the reason why you let this man touch you.
> 
> You need to own your behavior before you can progress. I was involved in 2 EAs on D-Day...but I never once blamed my spouse for my behavior. It is/was entirely on me.
> 
> Once you own it...Then you'll begin to see the pain you have caused. Stop blaming and begin to get better.


I'm not painting it any way, I know what I did was wrong. I'm currently dealing with it, I'm trying to repair what I damaged. Good or bad, I'm trying. The balls in his court right now and he knows it, I'm just going with what he needs from me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> It happened for about 3 months, his girlfriend messaged him on Facebook and when he asked me about it I told him. I worked with the OM for 3 months after because I was trying to transfer locations but I just ended up leaving the company. I feel like my husband should feel safe, he has access to everything I do. I don't hide anything, I tell him everything, when he wants to go out I don't argue. I regret everything I did, I honestly do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you placed a GPS tracker on your phone so he can see your whereabouts at any given time? I did that for my wife.

One thing after D-Day that I did not do was to "fight for my marriage". I simply, and very humbly, told her that whatever she decided, I would honor. I slept in the spare bedroom for almost 2 solid months before she felt close enough to let me back in. In those two months she saw me go to therapy. She saw me honor her boundaries as far as touching/affection/sex...I was there for her, but I never foisted myself upon her.

I also insisted upon giving her my phone randomly and letting her keep it for the day so she could see if any "activity" took place on it.

Just some suggestions.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

marduk said:


> He has no reason to believe you and every reason not to.
> 
> There is no way to convince him that isn't going to look like you're lying to him more.
> 
> ...


If you can find someone's profile you can message then, you don't have to be friends with them.

I can't see any reason for OM to message that they had sex after an EA was admitted and somewhat behind them. I can see a vengeful partner wanting to s**t stir for the OW (OP in this case) as that is easier than putting the blame on your own partner.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Have you placed a GPS tracker on your phone so he can see your whereabouts at any given time? I did that for my wife.
> 
> One thing after D-Day that I did not do was to "fight for my marriage". I simply, and very humbly, told her that whatever she decided, I would honor. I slept in the spare bedroom for almost 2 solid months before she felt close enough to let me back in. In those two months she saw me go to therapy. She saw me honor her boundaries as far as touching/affection/sex...I was there for her, but I never foisted myself upon her.
> 
> ...


He's had tracking put on my phone for months now, since February and I've had no problem. I offer my phone to him and he doesn't want it. Right now I'm staying with his mom for the space he needs, I moved out last night and today he wanted to spend time with me (just me) and tomorrow he wants to take me and the boys out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> ...I moved out last night and today* he wanted to spend time with me (just me)* and tomorrow he wants to take me and the boys out


Then don't push and simply accept. You may say the ball is in his court, but you're wrong. What you do now is going to determine whether he takes you back or not. Be thoughtful, careful in what you say and do and just maybe you can win him back...but it is going to take quite awhile. Patience, acceptance, humility are the order of the day. Just my .02 as a WS who is in reconciliation and doing quite well.

Good luck...But I say again...The ball is indeed in your court.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Agreed - in your court OP - but fixable because he seems to want that


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> Then don't push and simply accept. You may say the ball is in his court, but you're wrong. What you do now is going to determine whether he takes you back or not. Be thoughtful, careful in what you say and do and just maybe you can win him back...but it is going to take quite awhile. Patience, acceptance, humility are the order of the day. Just my .02 as a WS who is in reconciliation and doing quite well.
> 
> Good luck...But I say again...The ball is indeed in your court.


I felt like we were alright, there were a few silent moments. I felt stupid, I didn't know how to act. We talked about the boys and the holidays, he asked if I was going to help with bills. I said I could try but making less than 300 every paycheck is hard. He asked me if I wanted anything while he shopped. It was kind of awkward because all I could think about was winning him back right away and I know he wants to take it one day at a time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> ...It was kind of awkward because *all I could think about was winning him back right away* and I know he wants to take it one day at a time


This isn't about you and YOUR needs anymore. Believe me, I get it...Been there, done that.

What you have described tells me that he is still emotionally bound to you, but that bond has been "frayed"...but not severed, so there is hope...BUT!!!!!

You need to let him move ahead at his pace and not pressure him. Be there for him. Your actions and behavior will speak volumes and really determine how fast he can heal.

I say again...I get it. I wanted to hold my wife. I wanted to throw myself at her feet and express my undying love for her and plead for forgiveness.

Instead...I did the "heavy lifting" and sought help. That proved a far better way of repairing the damage than anything.

Patience and action my friend. Good luck.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

It is nice to read some remorseful wife who is trying to repair marriage.

I hope you are telling us the truth and that you are not in contact with this guy anymore.

Give your husband acces to all your accounts. Married people should not have secrets,they are best friends to each other.

Also try to go and see some therapist. Belive me your husband will feel the pain a lot longer,for years.

Try to send your kids to grandparents,make some nice dinner with wine and talk to him. Listen to him. You dont have to say anything,just listen to him. It will help him.


Best wishes to you my lady


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> This isn't about you and YOUR needs anymore. Believe me, I get it...Been there, done that.
> 
> What you have described tells me that he is still emotionally bound to you, but that bond has been "frayed"...but not severed, so there is hope...BUT!!!!!
> 
> ...


I didn't do anything, I didn't try to hold his hand or anything. We ate, we talked and walked around. It was nice, I loved it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

Be smart said:


> It is nice to read some remorseful wife who is trying to repair marriage.
> 
> I hope you are telling us the truth and that you are not in contact with this guy anymore.
> 
> ...



I don't have contact with him or his girlfriend. I've offered counseling but maybe I just need to go myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

khsm said:


> I didn't do anything, I didn't try to hold his hand or anything. We ate, we talked and walked around. It was nice, I loved it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then keep doing what you're doing and sometime in the "hopefully" not too distant future...He may ask you back into his life. As a man, I can assure you, judging by his actions as you've described, that you are still in his heart...and that is why he hurts. He is trying to protect himself, but he still wants to love you. Tread lightly my friend. I will root for you guys. 

PS...A nice surprise the next time you two go out together would be to tell him that you, of your own accord, have retained a therapist and are working on yourself.

Actions speak louder than words. Just sayin'


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Nice,nice.

Both of you need counseling. You to find out why you did it and to make sure you will not do it again and your husband to heal himself.

I am not into religion,but if you are you can go to Church and ask for help.

Also maybe speaking to parents will help,but it is your decision to make.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He doesn't trust you anymore. It sounds like it's unassailable that you cheated. The only thing in question is the degree of betrayal.

If you read what experienced infidelity counselors advise, you will note that your BH must see remorse in you before he will feel safe to trust you again, even a little. Remorse is not regret; remorse is outwardly directed and means that you feel empathy for the pain that you have caused him. It means that you focus on taking care of him so that he can heal from the pain you've inflicted.

He may never heal enough to be able to reconcile, but you should nonetheless do the work you need to do to be remorseful. This requires introspection (and usually counseling) on your part. You have to understand why you were so self-focused that you broke your vows for a bit of self-gratification without thinking about your bond with your BH and the toll it could take.

Whether you stay together or not, finding true remorse, and thus real empathy for your BH, will represent important growth for you, in my opinion.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sorry for the spot you are in.

Just some suggestions to consider.

Your H is hurt and trying to judge if he can risk trusting you gain. After all, you didn't confess everything to him on the front end- only after your OM's GF messaged him. His cautiousness is not unexpected.

Stay consistent with your message. Do not waiver on what you want. 
Make sure your actions support your words.
Stay transparent.
Get some IC for yourself. Work to improve yourself, your H will notice improvements that you make in yourself.
Instead of offering to take a polygraph, go take one and show him the results. Matt gave you some good questions.


Good luck.
WD


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

This sucks so bad, I work with him and literally NO ONE is talking to me. I don't even want to be here already and now I seriously feel like walking out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

khsm said:


> This sucks so bad, I work with him and literally NO ONE is talking to me. I don't even want to be here already and now I seriously feel like walking out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is where your character will show. Of course it sucks. It sucks much worse for H. You inflicted pain but you are finding the work to deal with the pain you inflicted difficult. Yes I am sorry it does suck for you both. Walking away is a pretty lame way to end this, but maybe you're not cut out for a serious commitment. This means a future commitment too - perhaps you should remain single.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> This is where your character will show. Of course it sucks. It sucks much worse for H. You inflicted pain but you are finding the work to deal with the pain you inflicted difficult. Yes I am sorry it does suck for you both. Walking away is a pretty lame way to end this, but maybe you're not cut out for a serious commitment. This means a future commitment too - perhaps you should remain single.


I am cut out for a serious relationship, it's just really frustrating when my husband is telling me he loves me and wants to be with me but is flirting with an 18 year old in front of my face. She's asking him if he has plans tonight literally right in front of me, I mean I get it we're separated but there should still be that respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Separation means that the obligation ends. If he chooses to date and do it in front of you, not classy, but he has the choice to do so. You do not own him. Relationships are choices that one enters and is free to leave.

If he chooses that path, you move on. Acknowledge your flaws and heal. Wisdom comes from learning. The next relationship, should you choose to learn, will make you a wiser person and in turn a better partner.

He has a right not to choose you, but you also have the right move on and not wait for him either. If he is doing this intentionally to hurt you, well his love does not make him choose the less complicated option.

If it is healthier for you and your well-being to walk away, then do so.

If something causes you pain, you detach or learn not to place yourself in that situation again.

Honestly, people really have too much of an idealistic view of relationships. I have known abusers who damaged another person, seek help, and find someone else eventually while the person they hurt entered other abusive relationship. The world does not operate on a scale of balance. A relationship ending does not condemn one to not ever being fulfilled again. I know cheaters on here that ended up with better partners than the ones they cheated on. That is the real world. Where an abuser ends iup in a better palce, where the cheater is happy again, and the former spouse ends up embittered.

People turn so much of their identities into the person they are with when a healthy person will have that relationship complimentary to themselves, not define themselves.

So, you may have royally phucked things up beyond repair. Say sorry and work on yourself and grow from it. If you work hard, there is a chance of finding a fulfilling relationship again.

If he chooses to date then you are not beholden to hold on and wait to see if things work out or not. You are still alive and this is your only chance at life.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Khsm,

I can't tell you how a WS will feel through this, but I can tell you the key is remorse. I made no decision for six months after d-day, not to punish my wife, but to not make a decision based on emotions. Emotions and feelings change, some are even fleeting, thoughts can be rapid and leave you lost. In my opinion this is not the time to make such a big decision. 

Being a betrayed spouse I can tell you what I expected from my wife. First and foremost, figure out why, therapy is the way here. I can't feel safe if you are not actively trying to fix why you cheated. This is huge to your husband, he isn't feeling safe as he sees no action from you. Words are nothing, they have even less meaning coming from a WS, your affair actions are quite deafening though. 

I asked you if your husband felt safe, you said yes. He doesn't and that's clear here, he also isn't seeing much remorse and from your posts I see some but not much. I'm not trying to be hard on you at all, I'm telling you what I see from your posts. True remorse is feeling the pain your husband feels. Here you need to be very careful, don't confuse this pain with pain from guilt. 

Your husband is also probably feeling like there is no justice. I struggled on this greatly. You have an affair then expect your husband to move on and go back to when you both were happy. Where is the remorse here? This is why I say you aren't remorseful. If you were your husband how would you feel? You can have an affair then come back without consequences? His flirting in front of you may make him feel like he's getting justice. He's wrong to do this unless you have an agreement to see other people, which I'm guessing you don't. In my case my wife had an affair, I have decided to give her the gift of reconciliation, but where is my justice? There isn't any justice, and that is very difficult to accept, even harder to work through. 

You need to do the heavy lifting, that means the ball is in your court. The ball will be in your court for a long time, so get used to it. This is on you to do, not your husband, own what you chose to do. I'm not sure if you truly own what you have done, nor am I sure you understand how you have killed your husband and marriage. Again I'm not trying to be hard on you, rather I'm trying to show you how I have perceived your posts. 

Think about this, then try to understand why he is hesitant to reconcile. Imagine you have a plate, drop it on the floor. Is it broke? Now say I'm sorry. What does the plate look like? Is it still broke? Words can not fix the plate, it's broken, so I'm sorry doesn't erase your transgressions. Now imagine you glue the plate back to a whole plate again. Did you notice anything? Gluing the plate together is an action. This is what your husband needs to see.

I wish you luck in your separation. The next time you see your husband ask him what he needs from you to feel safe again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Khsm,
> 
> I can't tell you how a WS will feel through this, but I can tell you the key is remorse. I made no decision for six months after d-day, not to punish my wife, but to not make a decision based on emotions. Emotions and feelings change, some are even fleeting, thoughts can be rapid and leave you lost. In my opinion this is not the time to make such a big decision.
> 
> ...




Our separation agreement was we were still together if people asked, we agreed not to see other people or "talk" to other people.. For him to do that purposely hurt me to the core, I tried being strong and everyone at work just stood there watching. I see him tomorrow, he wants to take me and the boys out for dinner but I don't want to bring any of this in front of them. He hasn't seen them in days and I don't know how I should feel about this, he hasn't tried to see them. Is this how he's coping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

eastsouth2000 said:


> Lets be realistic, It takes time to heal from affairs some take at least 3-5 years. You must do your part of being a safe partner in that time. Continue to go to Individual Counseling you will learn to heal not only yourself but also your partner.



Can you give sources for that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

khsm said:


> Our separation agreement was we were still together if people asked, we agreed not to see other people or "talk" to other people.. For him to do that purposely hurt me to the core


Well, he wants you to understand how much HE is hurting from YOUR action. Worked, didn't it?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

khsm said:


> After having 2 kids he was constantly telling me how fat and disgusting I was (I'm a size 3 with 2 tiny stretch marks on my belly) he was telling me how ugly I looked and my body was so nasty. I felt disgusting and unattractive. Then the co worker came along and was always telling me how amazing I looked after having 2 boys and how nice I looked everyday..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do your husband a favor and let him go. This post says it all for me. You aren't ready to be married.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm sorry but you both seem either petty or immature or vindictive - I can't really tell but it is definitely negative.

H should NEVER have made those hurtful comments about your weight. That is totally unacceptable in a marriage where you respect your partner. 

And he is clearly trying to inflict pain by flirting in front of you - not good but understandable as the other poster said about justice.

You're affair would have been 2-1/2 strikes for me. I won't ever accept being plan B to anyone - I'd rather be alone. You should seek IC to help you understand why you would go there and how to make a better choice next time.

Some of us are harsh because we see regret about the consequences of your affair rather than remorse for having hurt H.

To help explain this, remorse would sound like this "H flirted with a very young girl right in front of me. I felt ____ and ____. It made me realize the pain I put H through - except my behavior was actually worse because I betrayed H behind his back and encouraged this from OM and only stopped when ____. Now I realize how hurt, betrayed, sad H must feel "

The focus with remorse is the betrayed - not the pain exposure and consequences that the betrayer feels after exposure.

Good luck - I think both of you have work to do here.


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

I'm currently scheduling IC right now. I'll tell him tonight that I am going, I called him last night asking about the boys and what we should do and he said he didn't care. It's just hard because it's his parents helping me and he doesn't seem to bother with the boys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

khsm said:


> Our separation agreement was we were still together if people asked, we agreed not to see other people or "talk" to other people.. For him to do that purposely hurt me to the core, I tried being strong and everyone at work just stood there watching. I see him tomorrow, he wants to take me and the boys out for dinner but I don't want to bring any of this in front of them. He hasn't seen them in days and I don't know how I should feel about this, he hasn't tried to see them. Is this how he's coping?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Several things I would like to address in this post. First your husband is wrong. However, and I don't mean for this to seem that it's thrown in your face, but your husband is doing what you did and being selfish. I also see it as intentional as he does it in front of you. Then again I understand his reasons as his self esteem is shattered and this lady is giving him validation. It's still wrong. 

Second, don't take Turneras post the wrong way, she completely correct, it hurt you. 

Third, let him take the boys alone, then tell him he needs to follow the separation agreement about seeing others, and this includes flirting. Tell him you did wrong, but you both need to abide by the separation agreement. 

Lastly, tell him the children are not pawns in this process, period. He has an obligation as a father, he best remain their father and have time with them. If he doesn't call then the kids call him until he pulls his head from his a$$ and realizes they are kids. It kills me to see kids treated unfairly by their parents, especially after struggling for fifteen years to conceive. If he is coping by ignoring his children, I can't possibly see this being healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

khsm said:


> After having 2 kids he was constantly telling me how fat and disgusting I was (I'm a size 3 with 2 tiny stretch marks on my belly) he was telling me how ugly I looked and my body was so nasty. I felt disgusting and unattractive. Then the co worker came along and was always telling me how amazing I looked after having 2 boys and how nice I looked everyday..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





ButtPunch said:


> Do your husband a favor and let him go. This post says it all for me. You aren't ready to be married.


If her husband was telling a size 3 woman after two kids that she is fat and disgusting and that she's ugly it's not her that isn't cut out for marriage. 

You don't say stuff like that to someone you love, you just don't. There's no reason, no justification, no explanation you just don't do it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

This whole thing doesn't add up for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife is very petite, 5'6" and weighed 117 pounds. She is a size six. This was before pregnancy, after pregnancy she weighs 107 and is a size 5-6. Carrying twins and being small her stomach stretched drastically. After pregnancy her navel is still stretched out and will require plastic surgery to correct. To me that area is beautiful, a reminder of the miracle together we created, a symbol of the two lives she gave birth too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> If her husband was telling a size 3 woman after two kids that she is fat and disgusting and that she's ugly it's not her that isn't cut out for marriage.
> 
> You don't say stuff like that to someone you love, you just don't. There's no reason, no justification, no explanation you just don't do it.


It's not what she said but where she said it from. THE VICTIM CHAIR.

I don't get swayed at the blatant poor me posts.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

khsm said:


> Nothing physical happened between the other guy and myself. I've offered poly, I've offered marriage counseling and at one point I even told him to meet me there and if he didn't then I would understand what he wants to do.
> 
> He's not only treating me like crap but he's treating these innocent children like crap when they have nothing to do with it.


Have a sit down discussion with your husband. Tell him you love him and want to save your marriage; remind him of your quoted statements above.

Tell him you are willing to be patient and to demonstrate to him that you are remorseful; that you're willing to do the heavy lifting to help him get through this. But while you're being patient, you need some civility from him; some hope that he is in this with you together. Ask him to let you know if he's not willing to do this.

Depending on his answer and his subsequent behavior; you'll have a decision to make on your future. Some BH's take a long time to get past an A; some may think they can, but can't. 

Good luck.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

khsm said:


> I'm currently scheduling IC right now. I'll tell him tonight that I am going,* I called him last night asking about the boys and what we should do and he said he didn't care*. It's just hard because it's his parents helping me and he doesn't seem to bother with the boys.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's allowed to feel hurt by your actions, but he can't abdicate from his responsibilities as a father. I'm sorry that you're going through that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My head is spinning how fast this went from you "dealing" with your affair to your husband being verbally abusive and not a father. 

You work together and yet you don't see him until 2am?

And what about this?

"He didn't start touching me like that until i said I wanted to cut all ties and his girlfriend moved out."

If his gf moved out how did she fb you from his account? Or did she do it from her account?

Or did she fb your husband? And why, when they had been broken up long before?

If he was so abusive to you, why did it take so long to come out?

And who is this "they" that you no longer are in contact with? Why didn't you say "he?"

Who else is involved?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

marduk said:


> My head is spinning how fast this went from you "dealing" with your affair to your husband being verbally abusive and not a father.
> 
> You work together and yet you don't see him until 2am?
> 
> ...



I've dealt with this abuse for years, why I've stayed I don't know. Maybe because I was 16 when I got with him and he was all I knew and all I depended on. Yes I work with him but he's a manager and I get out before him so I can pick up the boys from the sitters. She (the guys girlfriend) messaged my husband so my husband messaged the guy I was flirting with. She didn't move out until after this whole situation blew up, as far as I know he (OM) told me that she got on his Facebook to message my husband said "yes we ****ed" and when I mean they I mean both of them, OM and his girlfriend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

What was your relationship with your husband like before your EA? Did he flirt before or is this totally new behavior from him? What kind of father was he before?

Two wrongs don't make a right, and while you may be separated, you are still married. I personally would tell him straight out that he may feel justified in having a revenge affair, but he needs to understand that doing so will most likely be the last nails in the marriage coffin. If that is where he wants to go, then he needs to divorce first and then he is free to do whatever or whomever he wants. 

I would also set up a schedule for him to have the kids on a regular basis without you around. It sounds to me he needs a dose of reality of what being a single dad is like. Why did you move the kids out of their home? Move back - if hubby needs space he can live with his parents. If he wants to date he can get a divorce. You can and should be remorseful and do what you can to make amends, but you can do it without becoming a doormat and allowing him to treat you and the boys like dirt without any consequences. He is allowed to act anyway he wants and you are allowed to impose reasonable boundaries and consequences. In other words -don't let him treat you that way. You don't have to put up with it.

Continue on the counselling path, I have a feeling you need to examine if you really want your marriage. If he was this way before your EA, evaluate carefully.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

khsm said:


> I've dealt with this abuse for years, why I've stayed I don't know. Maybe because I was 16 when I got with him and he was all I knew and all I depended on. Yes I work with him but he's a manager and I get out before him so I can pick up the boys from the sitters. She (the guys girlfriend) messaged my husband so my husband messaged the guy I was flirting with. She didn't move out until after this whole situation blew up, as far as I know he (OM) told me that she got on his Facebook to message my husband said "yes we ****ed" and when I mean they I mean both of them, OM and his girlfriend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK.

So your husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive to you for years? Or did it start when you had kids?

Is that why you had the EA? 

I have to ask because something is bugging me about your story. I'm not positive what it is, maybe you could put a more complete version on this thread?

And maybe detail out the EA and his abuse prior to the EA?

I'm still lost about the OM putting his arm around you, then the girlfriend left, and later the girlfriend FB messaged your husband from the OM's account. Or was it before? Did the message happen, then he put his arm around you, then they split?


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## khsm (Nov 14, 2015)

marduk said:


> OK.
> 
> So your husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive to you for years? Or did it start when you had kids?
> 
> ...


Yes, it didn't happen until i had both my children. He would grab my stomach and say "this is gross" so things in the bedroom weren't helping either because I felt very ugly and disgusting. Honestly, I dont know if thats why I had an EA, Maybe because he was always telling me how amazing I looked after having 2 kids. I felt good about myself. The OM's girlfriend moved back to california because she wanted to finish school I guess and she was in cali when she messaged my husband telling him that she found some stuff at her boyfriends apartment and it was mine(which it was not, could've been his sisters because she lived with him) so after she told my husband, my husband had messaged the OM asking for his side of the story and he told the same thing i told my husband. we played with fire, got caught and now we're paying for it. One day I was at work and my husband said "he just messaged me saying you guys ****ed" Me flipping out, I called my former work place and asked for him to see why he would say such a thing when it didn't happen. He said "I haven't been on facebook since I spoke to your husband, my girlfriend has my password because she doesn't trust me" so after his girlfriend moved out and eveyrthing came out in the open, I told the OM that I wanted nothing to do with him and to only talk to me when it was about manager situations, I even asked to changed my schedule so I wouldn't be able to see him. When I did work with him he would come up to me and touch my waist as in an "oh excuse me" kind of way, I constantly told him to stop or else I would contact HR.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

marduk said:


> My head is spinning how fast this went from you "dealing" with your affair to your husband being verbally abusive and not a father.
> 
> You work together and yet you don't see him until 2am?
> 
> ...


It's easy. Facebook on a mobile you can do it from anywhere.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

mary35 said:


> Continue on the counselling path, I have a feeling you need to examine if you really want your marriage. If he was this way before your EA, evaluate carefully.


I think IC will be great for you. 

Totally agree with Mary that you and the kids should be in the family home and your h, if he wants, can move out. 

Have you talked with a lawyer yet, btw? They say here that legally it can go badly for the person who moves out. It is considered forfeiture or abandonment or something like that. People are always advised to stay in the marital home.

What do your h's parents think of the way their son is behaving?

Unfortunate that the OM gf lied and created extra trouble for you. Not sure why she would do that, since she has clearly moved on with her own life.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jld said:


> Unfortunate that the OM gf lied and created extra trouble for you. Not sure why she would do that, since she has clearly moved on with her own life.


That's one of the many problems with this sequence of events. 

That action makes no sense unless she wanted him back. But, she had already left, presumably because of this poster. 

If it was revenge, contacting the husband herself makes sense. 

But pretending to be the other man doesn't. Nor does it make sense that his girlfriend left in a bad breakup and he didn't change his passwords, and he only reputational damage she enacted was to contact this posters husband. 

Again, this whole thread is full of logical holes and inconsistencies, and the simplest reconciliation of events that make sense to me is that they had a sexual affair, and she won't admit it, even here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

These threads always seem to go the same way when the cheater posts:

1. Great guy/gal, I messed up I want him back
2. Trickle truth
3. Why can't he just get over it (cheater really makes no true effort, just wants life "back to normal")
4. This is going badly for me, start bad-mouthing the spouse
5. Board turns and now the cheater is the victim and the spouse who can't defend themselves are an abusive animal

Who knows what to believe in this thread and others like it? They all go the same way.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

knobcreek said:


> These threads always seem to go the same way when the cheater posts:
> 
> 1. Great guy/gal, I messed up I want him back
> 2. Trickle truth
> ...


Agree 100%. This is the all too common pattern here where the BS now wants to play victim. I don't know, call me crazy I guess, but if I was emotionally abused for years I would probably lead with that in the history of the first post. When it trickles out after it sounds like justification and just making the BS feel better about what has been done.

One part I do 100 % believe is that the OP said that he husband said he doesn't see her the same way. That is the kiss of death and this marriage is over my opinion. He has lost 100% respect for her and rightfully so. I don't think any amount of counseling with bring that back and unless she is willing to eat some dirt and work through this with him. Ohh he may stay for a while out of obligation but he will end it or cheat at some point would be my guess as a guy who has been there myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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