# Please give me some guidance.



## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

Hello everyone. I need some help. Me and my husband have been fighting on and off (as in every other day) for the past month because I have been struggling with forgiving him for some very hurtful, disrespectful things he did to me. Among these, he's slammed me by my throat more than three times and sexually looked at photos of my sister (and tried to hide it.) I accepted that he needs psychiatric help but that I can't take it any longer. For a month we've been struggling with whether we should stay together any longer.

I'd decided that I no longer want to be with him. I told him this and we agreed to separate. I know that the reason that I no longer want to be with him is because I know longer have the feelings I used to have towards him and too many hurtful things have been done for me to forgive him in order to get those feelings back. I did go out with a friend and we did end up doing sexual things, and I do feel that emotional connection with him.

I am trying to think logically and make the correct choices. My husband is saying that we will try to forgive me but I have to cut off all ties with the man I was with. Which is understandable. However what I'm struggling with is that I feel I will never have that connection with my husband. If I had to describe my husband, it would be immature, lazy and mean as well as every kind of abusive. He is nice with the children, but I worry that the abuse will spread to them also as he has had a very short temper with them before, cusses around them and does get very handsy. I never wanted to be in an abusive relationship but I've allowed it and now I'm trying to fix it. It isn't this man that I want to leave him for, it's wanting to have a life that isn't filled with chaos and fear, and possibly to find someone that actually has an interest in working and being a successful, nice person with enough respect not to lay hands on me.

I've come to realize that everything I felt towards my husband before I knew how he truly acted once living with someone I am feeling towards this man. And again it isn't the man I want, it's those feelings, of being with a normal, non-borderline psychopath man. And so I'm struggling... because I feel pressured to stay because he is hurt and at the hope that everything will become better and normal with time. But I feel that staying will kill any chance at a happy life because life with him is either very good or extremely bad. He is either very nice or hurtful to the point that it seems there is no love left.

What I've done is wrong, I get that, and it hurt him. And he's willing to take me back. But what if I don't know if I want to go back? Deciding to stay with him literally feels like a life-sentence to prison. I see huge trouble in the future regarding his not wanting to get a job to help support our family, the abuse getting worse, his drinking getting worse, and I do not feel strong enough or motivated enough to try and encourage him to get better. But all I can think is that I've shared so much time and unforgettable experiences with him, not all bad. He was there when my son was pulled from me, he has seen them grow up from little babies to toddlers. And no one can replace that.

I feel the correct choice is to run fast and fight for happiness and peace. I've tried to be the unwavering pillar for him to lean on when he needs it but the constant going back on promises and actions done that he admitted he did just to hurt me has made me withdraw from that position and lose my love and faith in him. The big question of if we are really, finally going to separate has been put on me and it's being put in the form of "My husband or him (the man I slept with)" however the question feels, to me, as if it's "Life very well destined to unhappiness and the promise of having someone to lay down with at night, or possible happiness along with possibly never having a husband again?"


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm going to be blunt here. You sound like you have zero self-esteem and problems with being alone. Your judgment in men is also horrible. I'm sure this other man seems like a great guy and all, but so did your husband at some point right? 

I think you need to be alone for a while. Not with OM, not with your abusive husband and get yourself into some heavy-duty counseling and start reading some self-help books. You need to get healthy for yourself and for your kids. 

Once that's accomplished, you can decide with what to do with your marriage. If you are to stay with your husband, your infidelity will need to be addressed. HOWEVER, his abuse towards you and possibly the children and his mental health issues will also need to be addressed if there is any hope of having a marriage.

In short, I'd recommend a separation for at least six months. In that time, your husband needs to address his mental health issues and his anger issues. If he's not willing to do that = no marriage. You need to address your self-esteem, boundaries, being abused etc. issues and stay FAITHFUL. If you don't do that = no marriage. Once you and your husband are coming from healthy places, then you can address everything and see if the marriage is worth saving. If not, divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

get out of this marriage...Stop sleeping with other people until you get a divorce or move to a different place.

Did he know that you intended to leave him when you went out with this other guy ?


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

We already discussed true separation months ago and he will not accept it. He does not believe in being married but being separate. He will not work on improvement unless I'm there "helping him", as in he will not work on his own issues unless he has the promise of staying with me therefore I'd have to make a decision about my marriage before having a chance to sort my thoughts and feelings out. I feel as if he is simultaneously telling me that he wants to work on his issues and understands he's hurting me with them (and is sorry about it), but that I must agree to keep being hurt in the meantime while he is not in a healthy state of mind in order for him to get better because he needs me.

I never stated I had high self-esteem. I had been getting much better before I met him. Then I had the poor judgement of sticking through and trying to make excuses for his behavior and my own actions in reaction to it. Now I pretty much have my morals and my thoughts, but feel as if I don't have much of a backbone. I wouldn't say self-esteem is a strong point of mine...

And yes, my husband seemed like a wonderful guy at first. That's why I don't want to leave my husband for someone else. I want to leave if it will make me happy, and if it will mean no more abuse or fear of coming home from work to find out he's done one more intentionally hurtful thing.

I agree, counseling is a seriously good idea. I've needed it since middle school. It's long overdue. And I do have poor judgement in men, I should have ran before I even married.

And Warlock:
Yes, he knew that I intended to leave him when I went out. Every time I told him that, he kept telling me that he could get better and we could work things out. (I can't count how many times I've heard that.) However even when he knows that I don't intend to be with him, he goes through my Facebook account, email, phone, ect. He asks how long I will be out and if I'm out a minute longer he spam calls, even if it's only 20 minutes after walking out the door he still spam calls. Then when I stop answering, he continues. He sends messages to other people pretending to be me saying I don't want to be friends any longer. He knew that we were over when I left. He still tries to act as if he has that control over me where I need to report what I'm doing and he needs to see every message written.
I've tried changing passwords, he just resets them.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

kescalante said:


> We already discussed true separation months ago and he will not accept it.


It doesn't matter wether he will accept it or not. What is he going to do? Forcibly keep you there against your will?
Him not accepting the separation should not make any difference to your actions.


Miss Taken's advice is spot on.

You escaping from your troubled relationship in an affair was absolutely the wrong thing to do.

From your description of him, he sounds like he needs a lot more help than you can give him, and if he is physically abusive then 
the first thing you should be doing is leaving. 

In fact, shouldn't you be forcing him to leave? Call the police when he is violent towards you and get an AVO against him.

The fact that you stay with someone who hurts you physically and is "every kind of abusive" indicates that you need a lot of help yourself.

Do you understand how toxic that is to your children when they witness that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Among these, he's slammed me by my throat more than three times


Divorce. Now. 

Sorry, but the next time he might not let go until it is too late.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

kescalante said:


> Hello everyone. I need some help. Me and my husband *have been fighting on and off (as in every other day) for the past month* because I have been struggling with forgiving him for some very hurtful, disrespectful things he did to me. Among these, he's slammed me by my throat more than three times and sexually looked at photos of my sister (and tried to hide it.) I accepted that he needs psychiatric help but that I can't take it any longer. For a month we've been struggling with whether we should stay together any longer.
> 
> I'd decided that I no longer want to be with him. I told him this and we agreed to separate. I know that the reason that I no longer want to be with him is because I know longer have the feelings I used to have towards him and too many hurtful things have been done for me to forgive him in order to get those feelings back. *I did go out with a friend and we did end up doing sexual things, and I do feel that emotional connection with him.*


Was he physical against you before your affair?

Was your affair more than a month ago?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree that you should walk. I could have described my exh the same way you did - he even choked me into unconsciousness... I walked because I knew I could never regain the trust. I've been diagnosed with PTSD as a result, and am still trying to learn to trust people. I agree you should focus on you for awhile, but in reality you won't listen because OM is exciting and new. If that connection is really there, ask for some time to work on you. But bail on the marriage.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *I see huge trouble in the future* regarding his not wanting to get a job to help support our family, *the abuse getting* *worse,* his drinking getting worse, and I do not feel strong enough or motivated enough to try and encourage him to get better.
> 
> I want to leave if it will make me happy, and if it will mean no more abuse or fear of coming home from work to find out he's done one more intentionally hurtful thing.


Your husband is a sick man and will drag you and yoru children down more if he does not change. This is important for you to here; YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM!!!

If your husband is dangereous as you have indicated in your posts then you only have one good decision to make. You make a plan to leave him and do not discuss this with him at all. You just get in the position to leave then leave. That way there is no danger that you will be physically attacked.

If your husband is what you have described then do NOT even think about you talking to him; that is potentially very dangereous with a man that has proven that he can get very physical. In addition, *remember that he is also involved with alcohol; a very dangerous mixture for someone that is violent*.

I know that you are emotionally shaken and not able to see to do the right thing right now. That is probably why you have posted on this forum. My name is Mr. Blunt so I think you need a little bluntness right now. You said something that even Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see. You said



> *“He will not work on improvement unless I'm there "helping him”*


This man is controlling you and trying to trap you! He is trying to make you responsible for his abuse of you. First, it is not your responsibility to improve him and second you can not improve him if you wanted to!

*Get your head out of your AZZ, make a plan, keep your mouth shut, and leave him as soon as possible. If he gets violent do not wait for the right time just RUN FOREST RUN!!!*


Put your emotions in the toilet for now and use your head before you lose your head!


*You are responsible for those children and a man that refuses to work is physically and emotionally abusive, and a user of alcohol is bad for your children. Don’t just think about yourself also think about your children!*


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

kescalante said:


> We already discussed true separation months ago and he will not accept it. He does not believe in being married but being separate.


This is not up to him. I'm a BS, and your affair is wrong but it is not the immediate issue that needs to be addressed here. The abuse your husband has inflicted on you prior to the affair is an immediate threat to your physical and emotional wellbeing as well as that of your children. Your first priority should be SAFETY. Your husband has proven himself unsafe to be around. You are raising your kids in a dangerous situation wrought with physical and mental abuse and infidelity on your part which is also a form of abuse. 

If your husband was not abusive, my advice would be different and I would tell you that you need to do the heavy lifting, go no contact, stay in your marriage etc. etc. but it's not that simple. The infidelity is destructive but abuse is life-threatening. You need to separate for the safety of yourself and your children. There are women's shelters. I know nobody wants to go to one but if that's your only option, you need to go there. Or if possible, stay with a friend/family member. *Either way, your job is to protect your children and your children's mother from harm. You need to put the kids first and remove the immediate risk* by leaving your husband.



kescalante said:


> He will not work on improvement unless I'm there "helping him", as in he will not work on his own issues unless he has the promise of staying with me therefore I'd have to make a decision about my marriage before having a chance to sort my thoughts and feelings out. I feel as if he is simultaneously telling me that he wants to work on his issues and understands he's hurting me with them (and is sorry about it), but that I must agree to keep being hurt in the meantime while he is not in a healthy state of mind in order for him to get better because he needs me.


This is nonsense, codependent, manipulative, abusive nonsense. This is why I suggested the separation. You ARE NOT responsible for your husband's decisions. Just as he was not responsible for your affair. He is putting getting healthy/remaining unhealthy on you and not taking responsibility for his actions and you're eating it up. 



kescalante said:


> I never stated I had high self-esteem. I had been getting much better before I met him. Then I had the poor judgement of sticking through and trying to make excuses for his behavior and my own actions in reaction to it. Now I pretty much have my morals and my thoughts, but feel as if I don't have much of a backbone. I wouldn't say self-esteem is a strong point of mine...


This is evident in your initial post. That's why I said what I did. The fear of being alone/stuck with raising your kids and not finding someone else again at the bottom of your post and remaining in an abusive relationship for so long are self-explanatory when it comes to your self-esteem or lack-there-of.



kescalante said:


> And yes, my husband seemed like a wonderful guy at first.


Everyone always does, ESPECIALLY abusers. I don't mean to be hurtful but you had bad judgment in choosing a husband. You were blinded by his good behaviour in the beginning. The other man, and any other man you meet during/after your husband is likely to end up being abusive until you learn how to spot the red flags, work on yourself etc. that's why I said, not to think the other man is so great because like your husband, it may only be "great" in the beginning, only to be abusive down the road. Not to mention that he has no qualms of sleeping with a married woman but that's the lesser of two issues right now.




kescalante said:


> I agree, counseling is a seriously good idea. I've needed it since middle school. It's long overdue. And I do have poor judgement in men, I should have ran before I even married.


What are you waiting for then? If you don't go, the only thing that will change is time. You are also setting a very poor example for your kids. How would you feel if they ended up in a marriage like yours, whether as the abuser or the abused? That is what you are signing them up for by staying and by not getting help. You are modeling the life they will come to view as "normal" and they are always watching.

No more excuses. If money is an excuse, there ARE free counselors. I surely could not afford to pay a therapist right now and I get free individual counseling. The help is out there for those that need it. Contact churches, government agencies, social services whatever and ask for help until you get it.



kescalante said:


> And Warlock:
> Yes, he knew that I intended to leave him when I went out. Every time I told him that, he kept telling me that he could get better and we could work things out. (I can't count how many times I've heard that.) However even when he knows that I don't intend to be with him, he goes through my Facebook account, email, phone, ect. He asks how long I will be out and if I'm out a minute longer he spam calls, even if it's only 20 minutes after walking out the door he still spam calls. Then when I stop answering, he continues. He sends messages to other people pretending to be me saying I don't want to be friends any longer. He knew that we were over when I left. He still tries to act as if he has that control over me where I need to report what I'm doing and he needs to see every message written.
> I've tried changing passwords, he just resets them.


The above would all be fine on the part of your husband if the issue with your husband was mainly about your infidelity alone. HOWEVER, the biggest and preceeding issue here has to do with his physical abuse, mental abuse and control before, during and after your infidelity. You need to get out of this situation, be alone and not take any manipulation from your husband in terms of him working on his issues.

When you are both/if you both get healthy, then you can both examine the infidelity and the other issues of the marriage from an equal footing in terms of power etc. Right now, you're not even close to being in a position where this would be wise, healthy, or productive to do so. Your relationship is a toxic, abusive clusterfvck and I think the infidelity is the least of your problems.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

He hits girls?

Divorce.

My wife hit me once. Ill admit my fist half curled and i spun but my hand never close nor my arm raised as my head realized " crap thats a girl" and i stopped.

Any man who does not have that boundary should not have a female in hislife.


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