# What makes a marriage last throughout the years.



## Riverside MFT

There is a lot of research available on divorce and why families fall apart. As a society we tend to be problem focused, constantly analyzing what we are doing wrong. While this can bring change, I think change might be more meaningful if we analyze the things we are doing right. I recently read an article by Bachand and Caron (2001) in the Contemporary Family Therapy journal that took this positive approach. The researchers of this particular article wanted to know what makes a marriage last throughout the years, and not what contributes to its failures. I thought I would share some of their results here.

Bachand and Caron (2001) did their own research and compiled research from a number of other studies to arrive at their results. Their research involved couples who had only been married once and had been married for at least 35 years. Here are the characteristics that were most frequently reported when couples were asked "Why do you think that you have been married as long as you have?": 

•Friendship
•Love
•Similar background or similar interests
•Commitment
•Freedom to pursue one's goals
•Respect to wards the other person.

*Friendship. * It is no wonder that this was the most frequently reported characteristic of long term happy couples. I think that a couple's relationship needs to be based on friendship. All to often when a man and woman get together they rush into the relationship and don't allow the time for their friendship to develop. Couples may also have a tendency to rush into the sexual relationship before being friends. Having a friendship with your spouse is important for making the marriage last throughout the years.

*Love. * In my opinion, charity is the truest for of love. In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, it says:

_4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity denvieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things._Couples often talk about falling out of love. What they really mean is that there is no longer the passion they once had. It also means that it takes a more concentrated effort to truly love their spouse, instead of that love coming "naturally."

*Similar Background/Interests*. Having similar interests mean that couples are able to spend time together doing things that they both enjoy. These interests were hopefully discovered during the courtship process. Having a similar background means that couples are similar in what they experienced culturally, religiously, economically, and socially. Coming from completely different backgrounds does not mean that couples will divorce, it just means that they might have to work a little harder in order to preserve their marriage and create their own marital identity.

*Commitment.* Being committed in a relationship means that you stay together even when times get tough, and there seems to be no love. Read more about commitment in one of my previous posts: Commitment.

*Freedom to Pursue One's Goals.* This was actually the most common characteristic rated item by women in Bachand and Caron's study. I interpret this as meaning that the husband does not dictate to the wife what she should be doing. He respects her, her desires, and her goals. A woman's goals may be related to her roles as a wife or a mother, but they may also be related to personal interests as well. A wise husband will allow his wife to pursue her personal (and family) goals.

*Respect.* The online Webster dictionary defines respect in terms of being considerate of the other person or having a high and special regard for them. We have a tendency of respecting a person more when they are dead when they are alive. Is that because the person can no longer argue with us? When thinking about respect, I think about the attitude we have for someone who has passed away. I think about the respect that we have for those who have fought for their country (whether they have fallen or not). We should carry this same attitude into our marriage. We need to respect our husband or wife. We do not have to agree with everything they say or do, but we should have an attitude of respect.

*Reference*
Bachand, L. L., & Caron, S. L. (2001). Ties that bind: A qualitative study of happy long-term marriages. Contemporary Family Therapy, 23, 105-121.


Originally posted at Improve My Marriage: What Makes a Marriage Last Throughout the Years


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## SimplyAmorous

Riverside MFT said:


> *Friendship. * It is no wonder that this was the most frequently reported characteristic of long term happy couples. I think that a couple's relationship needs to be based on friendship. All to often when a man and woman get together they rush into the relationship and don't allow the time for their friendship to develop. Couples may also have a tendency to rush into the sexual relationship before being friends. Having a friendship with your spouse is important for making the marriage last throughout the years.


I will always agree with this , even if some feel it makes men into too much of a nice guy. For the long haul, I feel this is paramount .

I specifically searched for Wedding Invitations that expressed our Friendship when we married, he has alwas been my BEST friend in life. We were friends long before Lovers, I think that helps carry you through all the hard times.


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## Riverside MFT

Thanks simply amorous. The value of friendship in marriages seems to be decreasing these days. I think couples often try to "imitate" that friendship through sexual compatibility. The sexual relationship is extremely important in a marriage, but it can NEVER replace the importance of a friendship.


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## that_girl

I think our friendship is the only thing keeping us together right now.   But it's going to be ok.


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## ThirdTimeACharm

Similar interest matters a lot less then you'd think!

Here is my list that should pretty much guarentee a long satisfying loving marriage and what you'll see missing is similar interests and such:

1. Mutual Respect during highs and lows.
2. Deep Friendship. You are each other's best friend.
3. Honesty
4. Foregiveness & Apology
5. Consideration
6. Pro-active in discussions, problem solving.
7. Give and receive awesome sex.
8. Have each other's backs (foresaking all others).
9. Excellent Morals, high-conviction.
10. No cheating: no porn, no flirting, no emotional cheating either.
11. Your primary support, friendship, source of comfort is from your significant other, not your girlfriends, not the boys at the bar/countryclub, not your mother, not your ex's, not your children.
12. You care dearly about each other's hobbies, prior children and you encourage your significant other in those areas.
13. You don't allow work, hobbies, sports to drown out the loves, likes, and desires of your significant other. That means you are not a golf widow, he's not a tennis widower, etc.
14. Alcohol/drug abuse, and it is never the center of your world.
15. Maturity
16. Maturity


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## unbelievable

Character - honesty, selflessness, strong work ethic, spirit of cooperation, maturity, judgment, decent values, decent manners

commitment - puts the family and the mate ahead of their own interests, determination to weather difficulties


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## FirstYearDown

What about the couples, that only stay together "for the kids" and then continue to stay just because they would rather not start dating again? 

Lengthy marriage does not mean a happy one in all cases. My parents have been married for almost 40 years.....they are the most desperately unhappy couple I know.


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## ThirdTimeACharm

FirstYearDown said:


> What about the couples, that only stay together "for the kids" and then continue to stay just because they would rather not start dating again?
> 
> Lengthy marriage does not mean a happy one in all cases. My parents have been married for almost 40 years.....they are the most desperately unhappy couple I know.


What you wrote is so true!!!

I remember attending an older couple's 55th wedding anniversary party, and one of them said something like "we had a lot of hellish times but somehow we made it through together...we both worked very hard to make it work, it nearly killed us".....

I remember thinking "that's not the kind of marriage I'd want".

If it's' going to be "hellish" and a lot of hard work, no way, never! This is not to say that I don't think some work is required, but gosh, if you're truly compatible and have respect, and honor for each other, it should never be a lot of "hard work".


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