# My life is a mess!!!!



## Consuela (Aug 1, 2011)

I have been lost for a few years now.
I thought I had the perfect marriage when on vacation a married lady I thought was a friend of our family ( my husband insisted that she came with us because her husband was working too much and she was lonely) told me all the things my husband was doing and told her about me and our marriage. 
She was supposedly my husband best friend and he confided in her. That day I learned that He told her that he didn't love me anymore, he despised me, that I wasn't desirable etc.
After that I confronted him and he denied ever saying all those things. Then I discovered that he has been cheating on me with her and other girls. They even went to parties together and I found the pictures on Facebook. I felt humiliated, abandoned, so lonely.
Then I started going online and met someone I fell in love with. I felt a way I have never felt before. It helped me copped with my husband behavior who is still belittling me in every way possible. I have decided to leave him many times. But when I look at my son I just can't do it. He doesn't deserve it.
I thought I was happy more than happy. Then I just realized that I was also being used by my lover. He just needed someone to have fun with. He is a really great man. 
I am lost I can't stop my affair, I can't leave my husband, I am miserable because My lover seemed to want to move on. It hurts but I only blame myself. 
What do I do? Go through that pain again knowing that I am yet abandoned by someone I love. I am so scared of losing him and it is not fair to my husband too. I should leave but where will I go? what about depriving my son of his father. 
Thank you for reading I just need someone to talk to. I don't have any friends my husband run them all off


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I thought I was happy more than happy. Then I just realized that I was also being used by my lover. He just needed someone to have fun with. He is a really great man.


I beg to differ. Any man who is having an affair with a married woman is very far from being a great man. He used you for his own enjoyment and nothing more. If he had cared for you, he would have encouraged you and your husband to seek marriage counseling, not trying to get into your pants.



> I am lost I can't stop my affair, I can't leave my husband, I am miserable because My lover seemed to want to move on. It hurts but I only blame myself.
> What do I do? Go through that pain again knowing that I am yet abandoned by someone I love. I am so scared of losing him and it is not fair to my husband too. I should leave but where will I go? what about depriving my son of his father.
> Thank you for reading I just need someone to talk to. I don't have any friends my husband run them all off.


Yes you can stop your affair and you must end your affair because it is a toxic relationship with no future. What he does with you, he can do to you. Remember that.

Do you have a job? If not then start looking for one. Once you find one and save enough money, move out and file for divorce. It may take some time with this economy but if you dedicate yourself to finding one, you will get one.

If you need emotional support to do the right thing, then this is the place for you to be.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Your cake eating - trying to have your cake and eat it to. It won't work - it never does. The thing is you've got to decided what you want. First do you want to leave your husband or not, from there it depends on the answer to number one. You've got a big decision to make and I'll tell you from experience that you can't think clearly when your involved in an affair. IMO you need to end your affair completely and totally - no contact with the OM - and then figure out if you want to divorce or work on your marriage. If you decided to work on your marriage then you need to give your husband the truth - all of it - this is the only way to save your marriage. 

An affair is a incredibly destructive thing for everyone. The price you will pay, regardless of what happens next, is going to be huge. It will leave scars on you that you will have for the rest of your life. The longer you stay in it, the worse it will be. End it now for everyone's sake.


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## Consuela (Aug 1, 2011)

Thank you for all your advice.
I had decided when my husband discovered that I was cheating to leave him right then. But he begged me to stay, he told me to stay for the kid and that it was all his fault. 

He tried changing for a month maybe then went back to his old self. Cheating, seeking girls online etc, most of all belittling me and hurting me ( not physically) in every way possible.

The other problem is our sex life. He keep telling me if he can't satisfy me we shouldn't be together. And he really can't not sure why.

We have both hurt each other but we have both decided to stay for our child but the trust and love is gone. 

What I was thinking is that if he is having fun outside why can't I keep the only thing that makes me happy and make me feel like a woman once in a while. But like sigma1299 said the more I stay in it the worse I get. The more likely I will be deeply hurt.

I want to end m affair but its not easy since I have fallen in love and it is already hurting. I do need some emotional support and advice. I have also decided to find a job and end my marriage because staying in it make me really miserable. I haven't been happy in a long time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Start sending out your resume so you can get a job. Don't lie to your husband though. Tell him you want a divorce.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Consuela said:


> I want to end m affair but its not easy since I have fallen in love and it is already hurting. I do need some emotional support and advice. I have also decided to find a job and end my marriage because staying in it make me really miserable. I haven't been happy in a long time.


Ending an affair is extremely difficult - I could never have ended mine without the help, love and support of my wife -weird huh? My affair, ending it, and dealing with the aftermath put a hole in me that I now doubt will ever fully heal. I wouldn't do it again for anything. Like you I thought I was in love with my affair partner - it damn sure felt like it and yes that part hurt tremendously to. The pain will eventually subside, but you have to start making honest and above board decisions to begin to heal. I will say that last sentence in what I quoted above sounds just like "fog" talking. Most people in affairs rewrite the condition of their marriage to help them deal with the horrible thing they are doing. This is why I said you can't think clearly when you are in an affair. IMO you need to end the affair first and then decided what to do with your marriage when you are thinking clearly. I think you owe a level headed and clearly thought out decision at least to your child, if not your husband. I wouldn't worry too much about losing your affair partner, relationships built in lies (affairs) never last.


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## Consuela (Aug 1, 2011)

I know deep down that I have to end my affair. This whole ordeal has changed me. Of course I lie so I can go see him, I have become such a liar that I am ashamed of it. 

I came on this forum today because I haven't been able to reach the OM all day. I am ashamed of how I am feeling ( sad, scared, humiliated). I now realized that instead of getting out I made myself a bigger hole.

I am praying now that he does not reply to my emails or call me back so that I get the emotional strength to say no to him.

Thank you for this place that allow me to talk about it. I need to see this relationship for what it is. It is destroying me. ( I cried this morning because I couldn't talk to him). 

I did try talking to my husband and our best male friend but they both turned on me. 

Where do I start? Stop right away? Or do it gradually ? or talk to him first? I need to deal with this and see if I can talk to my husband about all this and see if it worth staying together.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

There is only one way to end an affair and that is to not communicate with your affair partner - period the end. This is the part I could never have done without my wife. I promised my wife no contact (NC), I told my affair partner that it was over in my wife's presence but my AP didn't see it that way. She kept sending me messages and emails. The ONLY way I didn't fall back in was that I told my wife every time I got anything from her. Had I not been committed to full transparency to my wife, had I been trying to end the affair on my own without my wife's knowledge I would never have been able to do it, I would have fallen right back in. 

I know it will be hard - believe me I do - but were it me I would tell your husband first and then tell your AP with your H. If you feel the need to have a heartfelt good bye with your AP do it first but do not let your H find out from anyone other than you. When (if) you tell your H, give him all of the truth the first time regardless of the consequences. Do not give him trickle truth. Give him full transparency into your life, email, social accounts, cell phone - anything he wants to see. Now - since he's cheated to, he should give these same things to you. This is commitment to each other and to reconciliation. 

If you want to try to end it without telling your H, it will be harder. Affairs are like drugs and addicts can rarely walk away from their drug on their own. If your AP sends you messages that he's crushed, that he loves you and can't stand to lose you, that he's in pain - will you be able to turn your back and ignore him? Remember contact is contact. Also, if you H finds out other than being told by you it will be much much worse.


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## Consuela (Aug 1, 2011)

Thank you for all your advice again. My husband knew about my affair. He found out a few months ago. He does not know however that I am still seeing OM, he has his suspicions. I offered him that we become very open about everything ( email, password etc) when we decided to work it out. He refused of course because he didn't want to stop his. Him lying to me made me go back. 

He also treats me like a ***** because he asked me to tell him everything even the sexual details and I did because I wanted everything to be behind us. it did backfired though. I sometimes don't believe the things he says to me or tell me or ask me to do and he gets mad when I say no.

I glad I found this site because talking about it helped me. It will be hard stopping. it sure does hurt but I am willing to do what it takes.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Consider also seeking IC (individual counseling) so you can help yourself emotionally heal and not fall back on self destructive relationships.


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