# Still can't believe this is happening



## rarebird (Oct 22, 2009)

As I sit here I cannot believe what I am typing. After 34 years of marriage, my wonderful husband (age 57) has told me (age 55) that he wants a divorce. He claims he is just not happy. He refuses to go to counseling, claiming there is no chance of working through this. We have had a good marriage, with occasional peaks and valleys. I thought that this was just a valley and we would make our way through it. Boy was I wrong! 

This last year has been a difficult one for me personally. I lost my precious mother after a valiant fight with melanoma. I had spinal and elbow surgery. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (on top of the rheumatoid arthritis I have had for 10+ years) The job I have had for 7+ years has turned from wonderful to the JFH (job from .....) My H has been very supportive throughout.

Enough background for now. I think discussing this will be very cathartic; and I will certainly be back to share more of my story. But at the moment, I have a most pressing issue that I need help with--how to tell my granddaughters. We have had guardianship of E/age 10 since she was 6. And S/age 7 also lives with us along with her parents, my oldest son & his wife. The girls adore their Pop & Gramma, as we do them. They will be devastated when they learn of H's leaving (ETD sometime next week)

Because of her difficult relationship w/her birth mother (our daughter), E is emotionally fragile. She is a very deep thinker, often "outside the box"; and she's very atuned to what makes for good and/or bad relationships. 

HELP anyone? Any suggestions and/or comments will be most welcome. 

Many thanks in advance, Rarebird :corkysm60:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I guess just assure the children that it isn't their fault and that both of you still love them. 

Question about your H though -- is there someone else? I would suggest that you do some snooping to be certain.

Sorry about your mother, too.


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## rarebird (Oct 22, 2009)

Actually, I do suspect there might someone else. We met her professionally, then became friends, then they formed a triathlon team & she asked him to be the group's training coach. They have become best buds and spend so much time together (most of it at her place) training, on the phone, email, etc. She is a bit of a flirt and has been divorced 3 times. We have discussed this before; as a matter of fact, our three grown children have teased him about how hot she is. He has assured me it is a friendship only--no sex involved. I know this makes me sound like I just fell off the turnip truck, but I do believe him about the no-sex part. We both have taken our marriage vows very serioulsly throughout the years. I just don't think he has acted on it, but am afraid it may be an affair of the heart. I'm afraid that is why he doesn't want to try to work things out; I suspect he wants to be legally free so he can pursue a relationship if he wants. 

I am unbearably hurt. I have trusted him implicitly, but now I'm not so sure. Do I have egg on my face?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Oh this sounds tragic - how dare he after 34 years - he's an idiot -
do you have egg on your face ? NO...you sound very sweet.
Is your H still planning on being part of your grandchildren's lives?
If you can tell kids what is happening and when they will see people again that takes away a lot of anxiety - they are less concerned about why....
sorry for you loss and sadness


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## rarebird (Oct 22, 2009)

Yes, knortoh--he does want to maintain his relationship with our children and grandchildren. I'm not sure how he intends to handle that. :scratchhead:

Atholk, how astute your observations are!

I do wish it wasn't such a zoo at home. I have voiced to him several times about reducing the madness, but he has always said "We need to let them stay and to help them out." I asked him if having our son, D-I-L, & GD move out would help _our_ relationship; he said it would not.

BTW, I really liked your "advice"--it made me smile  Thank you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

YEs it must be a huge stress on you guys - I tried to imagine what that might be like ...what is your gut feeling on this?
running away or running to?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Yes, having extra family around is a stress. They need to go. But only if your H is willing to work it out. And, he should be honest about wanting to pursue the other woman. And then he should explain why he'd risk everything over a 3X loser like her. Does he really think he's going to keep her satisfied? What kind of fool is he?


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