# Husband's friend puts me down



## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

My H has a friend, call him Mike, of a few years, who works in a bike shop. Friendship is based on long talks while at the shop. H knows Mike is obnoxious and says some can't stand the guy, others love him.

Problem is, I'm not fond of Mike, because of the way he treats me and my H. Mike has made some racists remarks to my H. H has confided growing up he was hurt when others made those comments yet laughs at Mike. 

We visited the shop to buy a bike so I could share my husband's passion, riding. Mike was not friendly when introduced, but I can deal with that. He suggested buying this used bike as it was near top of the line. While fitting me, it happened to be his wife's old bike, his loud comment across the store was, " Look at this." (he stares at my legs looks to my H and both look back at my legs) "Her legs are shorter than my wife's" *and he laughs*.

I am happy for him that he is so into his wife. But at the same time don't like to be put down in front of my husband. I also feel uncomfortable when he puts my H down in front of me. Mike invited us out to dinner with his wife and my H declined but alluded to the fact it was because I didn't want to go out with them. Now if they see each other while we are out, H leaves me behind so he can run over and talk to Mike and wife. I am left waiting somewhere. I feel as if I am made to be the bad one here.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Your husband threw you under the bus? That was bad. WTF.

I mean really? He found it easier to say it was because you didnt want to than simply 'no thanks'?

Im flabbergasted. Whose side is he on anyway?

---

let me ask you this - did they invite you to dinner as a way to make amends?

In any case - your husband sounds like he seriously dropped the ball there and found it easier to make himself out as the reasonble while simultaneously making you out as the bad guy.

Unless of course -maybe he feels like you ARE being unreasonable - but still that doesnt mean he can cast you over the side to the dogs like that. He is supposed to be on your team.


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## Nikkis (Oct 7, 2013)

Hm I would agree that that's not a great situation but I would also try not to let it get to you so much. As long as your husband treats you well most of the time and this is an isolated situation then I wouldn't worry too much. He has to work with Mike and probably just wants to make nice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm trying to see where the "putting you down" part comes in to play... Him saying your legs are shorter than his wife's is an observation, not a put down. 

As far as your husband "leaving you" to go talk to Mike, does he tell you to "Sit!" And "Stay!"? Why don't you go over and make small talk with Mike's wife?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there another bike shop that you two can use?

I'm not sure that commenting on short legs is really a put down so much as just a comment. He just sounds obnoxious.

Does this guy own the store or is he an employee?


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Nikkis said:


> Hm I would agree that that's not a great situation but I would also try not to let it get to you so much. As long as your husband treats you well most of the time and this is an isolated situation then I wouldn't worry too much. He has to work with Mike and probably just wants to make nice.


He actually does not work with Mike.
They just got to know each other these past few years as my H frequents his bike store. Does that change your perspective?


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm trying to see where the "putting you down" part comes in to play... Him saying your legs are shorter than his wife's is an observation, not a put down.
> 
> As far as your husband "leaving you" to go talk to Mike, does he tell you to "Sit!" And "Stay!"? Why don't you go over and make small talk with Mike's wife?
> 
> ...


Understand. His friend frequently makes jokes about women, takes pictures of overweight women's butts displays them on facebook commenting - unattractive, to put it mildly and makes racists remarks etc This is apparently why some people don't like him . He is crass.

He finds long legs in women attractive, as do most. However he takes it one step further basically telling my H , 'my wife has longs legs and your wife doesn't.' Yelling is across the store. 

As far as my H leaving to go talk to Mike here is what happened. Sees Mike at outdoor cafe, makes a U-turn in the street. Parks but leaves the car running and says, " You stay here. I'll be right back" and runs out.

Explained afterward to H .Just because I wouldn't have stopped doesn't mean we are no longer a couple.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Is there another bike shop that you two can use?
> 
> I'm not sure that commenting on short legs is really a put down so much as just a comment. He just sounds obnoxious.
> 
> Does this guy own the store or is he an employee?


Owner. H doesn't want another bike store as he likes Mike and wants to give him business.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Your husband threw you under the bus? That was bad. WTF.
> 
> ---
> 
> ...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Have you ever asked your H why he likes this guy so much that he's willing to put up with belittling remarks? Seems kind of needy in some way.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Then it is time to talk with your husband about "having your back" on things that are important. This does sound a tad hurtful as you further explained it. But I think your very best bet would be to talk the trash right back at the d!ckhead. Practice your very best lethal teacher stare down! Practice remaining silent as you just stare at the POS. Let your H know you won't be backing down from POS and you expect him to have your back by not excluding you should you two run into him again.

While it is a shame your H isn't more helpful to you, I have to be honest and suggest that sometimes women can be too sensitive about their sensitive issues. Mike may have been crass about your legs, so give it right back and say, "yeah short legs but they seem to work very well in a leg lock, wouldn't you agree honey?" 

Being a smart ass comes naturally to some, other have to work at it, but it is a very useful skill when dealing with azzholes!


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Then it is time to talk with your husband about "having your back" on things that are important. This does sound a tad hurtful as you further explained it. But I think your very best bet would be to talk the trash right back at the d!ckhead. Practice your very best lethal teacher stare down! Practice remaining silent as you just stare at the POS. Let your H know you won't be backing down from POS and you expect him to have your back by not excluding you should you two run into him again.
> 
> While it is a shame your H isn't more helpful to you, I have to be honest and suggest that sometimes women can be too sensitive about their sensitive issues. Mike may have been crass about your legs, so give it right back and say, "yeah short legs but they seem to work very well in a leg lock, wouldn't you agree honey?"
> 
> Being a smart ass comes naturally to some, other have to work at it, but it is a very useful skill when dealing with azzholes!


Thanks. I'll work on the stare. I am not a fast enough thinker for come-backs. Wish I was.

Do you think I am selfish not wanting to be around this guy when my H likes him so much?


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

TBT said:


> Have you ever asked your H why he likes this guy so much that he's willing to put up with belittling remarks? *H likes Mike's humor.*
> 
> Seems kind of needy in some way. * Your insight may help me better understand my H. What makes you say that? *


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

some people like raunchy humor.....myself included I don't exhibit it in front of women unless I know for certine that that are cool with it and know quite a few who would make goerge carlin blush even in his grave.

with that said I do not find his comment about you having shorter legs than his wife and rude or crass. when fitting some one for a bike leg lenght come into play.

as far as your husband saying that you don't want to go out with them ...well he told the truth and maybe the guy will take a hint . I would not want to go to dinner with someone my wife did not like it would ruin the whole meal. I thin its good that this guy that you think is a crude person knows that you don't care for him that way you guys don't have to worry about spending time with eachother.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wondering12 said:


> Thanks. I'll work on the stare. I am not a fast enough thinker for come-backs. Wish I was.
> 
> Do you think I am selfish not wanting to be around this guy when my H likes him so much?


No I don't think selfish is the right term. Because he makes you feel uncomfortable, leaves you speechless, you naturally want to avoid him. He is crass and rude, but it's been my experience that people like that are almost always all bluster with NOTHING but a smart mouth to show for it. Like the way people see bullies. Stand up to them and they back down. Avoid them and you're a target for life.

My suggestion would be to avoid him only half the time. My suggestion would be to take away his power over you. Would you be hurt if an ant laughed at your huge feet? Hell no. He is an insignificant blustering bully. Women have such awesome power to cut men to shreds with a well placed stare with 'tude. Practice that. Take his power away.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, I do not understand what is offensive about him saying your legs are shorter than his wife's. Maybe they are shorter? 

Second, has he made a racist remark toward you??? If so, then it's game on. Call him out on it or stop hanging with hm.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You asked me why I thought your H may be somewhat needy.Seems like he has compromised his values to some degree in order to gain Mike's acceptance.What would make him do that,or is it just that his values have changed in this regard?



wondering12 said:


> Problem is, I'm not fond of Mike, because of the way he treats me and my H. Mike has made some racists remarks to my H. H has confided growing up he was hurt when others made those comments yet laughs at Mike.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No I don't think selfish is the right term. Because he makes you feel uncomfortable, leaves you speechless, you naturally want to avoid him. He is crass and rude, but it's been my experience that people like that are almost always all bluster with NOTHING but a smart mouth to show for it. Like the way people see bullies. Stand up to them and they back down. Avoid them and you're a target for life.
> 
> My suggestion would be to avoid him only half the time. My suggestion would be to take away his power over you. Would you be hurt if an ant laughed at your huge feet? Hell no. He is an insignificant blustering bully. Women have such awesome power to cut men to shreds with a well placed stare with 'tude. Practice that. Take his power away.



Thank you. I Will work on it.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

TBT said:


> You asked me why I thought your H may be somewhat needy.Seems like he has compromised his values to some degree in order to gain Mike's acceptance.What would make him do that,or is it just that his values have changed in this regard?



Thanks. Understand now.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

limabeans said:


> Without having been there my take is that if it felt like a put-down to the OP, it was meant to be a (covert) put-down. *Agree. He definitely meant it as a put down. *
> 
> The guy frequently and publicly makes racist remarks, eh? What a guy. Obvious sign of self esteem issues. Does anyone ever call him out on it? Tell him it's not acceptable I wonder? *Don-t know. I'll ask my H*
> 
> Agree with Anon, with people like these you have to go on the offensive if you can't just avoid them entirely. But know exactly what OP means when she says quick snarky comebacks don't come naturally. Some of us just don't think to/want to put our energy into figuring out the best way to make others feel like sh!t. Unfortunately there are plenty who do. *Agree*


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Is there another bike shop that you two can use?
> 
> I'm not sure that commenting on short legs is really a put down so much as just a comment. He just sounds obnoxious.
> 
> Does this guy own the store or is he an employee?


She's probably offended for a reason. It's probably the way he says these things that bother her.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe you can't think of a retort in the heat of the moment, but you can think of some now and have it in your "arsenal" when and if you need to use it. You don't need to go on a verbal nuclear attack on him or get very aggressive. Just have a simple put-down in your mind ready to be used. These kinds of things come naturally to me since I grew up with older male siblings, but even if you didn't grow up that way, you can still think of a few things you could say if Mike ever says anything to you. Make it short and unemotional. It could be something as simple as "Yeah, Mike...I'll file that with all the other useless information I've heard."

People can only have power over you if you let them. Right now you are letting Mike have power over you. You can deflate his power by being assertive and not avoiding him all the time.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

someone90 said:


> She's probably offended for a reason. It's probably the way he says these things that bother her. *Yes*


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> Maybe you can't think of a retort in the heat of the moment, but you can think of some now and have it in your "arsenal" when and if you need to use it. You don't need to go on a verbal nuclear attack on him or get very aggressive. Just have a simple put-down in your mind ready to be used. These kinds of things come naturally to me since I grew up with older male siblings, but even if you didn't grow up that way, you can still think of a few things you could say if Mike ever says anything to you. Make it short and unemotional. It could be something as simple as "Yeah, Mike...I'll file that with all the other useless information I've heard." * OK. Just have to think of some more ahead of time. *
> 
> People can only have power over you if you let them. Right now you are letting Mike have power over you. You can deflate his power by being assertive and not avoiding him all the time.


 Maybe another tactic is to be polite but if he says something annoying, ignore him or walk out of the room. Not to give attention to what he said.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> "Wow you are so offensive!" Very loudly.


 OK. I'll try it. How about, " Man ,you are brutal!"


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Let's list snappy "Enders" for Wondering to say to Mike?

Wow you are offensive. -MissFroggie
Man, you are brutal! Wondering12

Were you trying to hurt my feelings while also making an ass of yourself because You did!

That was uncalled for!

(Sharp intake of breath) I beg your pardon? Then when the idiot actually repeats himself, you say it again, and again and again <- I love this one!

(Sharp intake again) Excuse me? 

But remember...you gotta stare'm down when you do this. Think The Teacher's death stare!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wondering12 said:


> My H has a friend, call him Mike, of a few years, who works in a bike shop. Friendship is based on long talks while at the shop. H knows Mike is obnoxious and says some can't stand the guy, others love him.
> 
> Problem is, I'm not fond of Mike, because of the way he treats me and my H. Mike has made some racists remarks to my H. H has confided growing up he was hurt when others made those comments yet laughs at Mike.
> 
> ...


You r husband has a real issue with being dominated by this guy.

He should have nothing at all to do with him and frankly Mike ought to be afraid to put him and especially you down.

But indeed there was no reason to do business with this guy at the bike shop. It is not the only bike shop. So I think you should tell your husband you want nothing to do with this guy who disrespects him and you. Tell your husband that him accepting the disrespect makes him very unattractive and that this is not something you want the two of you to be involved in.

Mike is not his friend.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wondering12 said:


> Owner. H doesn't want another bike store as he likes Mike and wants to give him business.


Tell your husband that you do not want to give them your business and that this is important to you. Your husband should choose you first over some low life from a freakin bike shop.

Sorry, but this kind of weakness in a guy kinda creeps me out.


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Let's list snappy "Enders" for Wondering to say to Mike?
> 
> Wow you are offensive. -MissFroggie
> Man, you are brutal! Wondering12
> ...


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> You r husband has a real issue with being dominated by this guy.
> 
> He should have nothing at all to do with him and frankly Mike ought to be afraid to put him and especially you down.
> 
> ...


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## wondering12 (Apr 20, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Tell your husband that you do not want to give them your business and that this is important to you. Your husband should choose you first over some low life from a freakin bike shop.
> 
> Sorry, but this kind of weakness in a guy kinda creeps me out. *Yes. It may be a weakness. I am wondering if it has to do with his upbringing. His parents wanted him to be perfect, including likability. His wanting to be so liked also hurts me as he is quite flirtatious. *


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