# Counseling experiences - self-esteem?



## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

So I've been going to counseling to help me with this divorce thing. 

I feel that some days are better than others. Does anyone else going through counseling experience the same thing?

Apparently, I have very good coping skills, but right now lack self-esteem and self-acceptance. I never thought I had that problem, but I guess it only takes another person that doesn't really know to see what is going on with you.

I'm not complaining about my counselor, as a matter of fact, I appreciate that s/he is telling me this stuff, because I want this to work for me. But... anyone else out there been told this? What do you do to help yourself?

I just checked out two books from the local library, and going to start a list of things that people say/do to me that make me feel good/bad.

How else are you folks dealing with these issues? :scratchhead:


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Big time self-esteem problem here too. Perhaps it was always lingering in the background, but there's nothing like your spouse treating you like ca-ca to end up feeling like you really are unworthy of love and care and respect.

It will take me a while to surface and find the sunshine again. Meanwhile, this is what I am doing, all with the goal of starting to feel good about myself again:

1) I took up running. I'm pathetic, but I keep on going out there and plodding around the block. My goal is to have lost ten pounds by the beginning of May and look thin and fit. I've already lost three pounds - go me.

2) I belong to a weekly discussion group at my Unitarian church, sharing life stories and communicating deeply about stuff that really matters. Forging some new connections.

3) Lots and lots of reading. April is Poetry Month, and I intend to be able to converse somewhat knowledgeable about poetry by the end of it.

4) I make sure that I always have mascara on and am wearing something halfway decent on my body, even if I'm just running up to the store for milk. I don't want to attract a man, just want to feel that I look nice.

5) Thinking about volunteer opportunities, though that may be difficult to work into my current world of single mom-hood and full-time job.

6) Listening to my old yearning to write, and jotting down ideas that come to me for essays and stories.

The one thing I am not doing is dating, or even thinking about dating. No way am I dipping my toe into that muck again for a long time. It's time to find myself again, and regain the confidence I used to have before he crapped all over it. And I'll find that confidence through my own self-work, not by launching myself into a new relationship and clinging to some guy because I fear being on my own.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Not divorce related (childhood abuse) but my self esteem and self acceptance was very very low. It has taken 3 rounds of therapy to fix this. I've read 100's of self help books and have wanted this SO BAD for myself. Then one day almost overnight the light bulb came on and I got it!!!! It all just made sense.

So my advice is stick with therapy, keep reading the books, keep reaching and don't give up.


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Here's the latest I've heard that has helped to at least locate the switch to turn the lightbulb on...stop looking for external validation i.e. my H's approval/desire/words and start working on internal validation. That's the hard part but I have realized that I have been looking for external validation my whole life---high achiever/perfectionist in some ways---but have felt empty because I put all of the power into what 'others' say. 
Anyway, I read the posts and could totally identify---and agree that it's hard to feel good when the one we trust/love makes us feel like 'ca-ca'
Then I also remember my FAV phrase "Hurt people hurt people"
I don't want to be one of those people...hang in there.


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## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Well, I checked out a few books from the library, and they have lots of exercises/tests... they looked more like workbooks than anything. I was trying to some of this on my own, but I really didn't like them so I took them back.
Will be working on some exercises with the counselor next week - don't know what to expect, but looking forward to it


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

YellowSub,

Somewhere along the line, many of us... and I mean MANY of us learned to be nice - with expectations.

I realize the "nice" part is important. Parents should teach their children to be kind and generous.

HOWEVER....

When we give with the expectation of getting?

That's when we get in trouble.

Those among us with "less developed" consciences will ask and ask and ask us to do for them. We often will WITH the expectation that something will come from our generosity.

What if it doesn't?

Self-esteem is a buzzword. But, whatever IT represents, it's vitally important. Learn to give with NO EXPECTATION of getting. If you are not ok with giving under those circumstances, then say no.

I would imagine that's where you get in trouble.

We don't like to say no.

We'd rather give with the expectation of something in return.

This is the core issue for many.

The resentment and hurt with getting nothing back in return for our kindness and sacrifices burns inside like a red-hot poker.


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