# Do I provide enough, financially, for my wife?



## chopperjake (Apr 23, 2014)

I have been married for one year, and in a relationship with my wife for 4 total years. I met my wife 2 years after a divorce from a 10 year marriage, that honestly I felt better divorced than married to my jobless ex. She never worked, reason for that was I bent over backwards, always trying to make her happy with material things, (trips, new purses, clothes, etc...) just for her to show me love and affection. After that failed marriage, I never thought I would love again, and if I did it would have to be with a truly selfless person, and someone who would help provide to the family financially as well as emotionally. Always she would have to accept my children as her own, and be a motherly figure to them when we are together. It was a truly tall order to ask of anyone, but I did find her, miraculously, and I have been so in love these few years. She wasn't working when we met, but she was collecting disability, which helped out with random expenses. That stopped 2 years ago, and my job just wasn't cutting it on providing for a household of 6. Her, me, her 2 daughters, and my 2 daughters. Plus the courts had me paying a big chunk of, only to my ex for child support. No problems there, I have to take care of my kids. But the one problem was, her ex never paid child support because he couldn't keep a job for more than 3 weeks. 

Since times were tough, and our kids were getting older, youngest being 16, we both decided that I should pursue a career that is going to support us All! That is when I received an offer for a position In Kuwait. The plan was for her to move here in one year after her daughter graduates high school. So, to make a long story a little shorter, I am working here, she and is not working, and I am covering two households. I currently provide her with 40% of my take home pay, and I get 40%, with the rest going to savings to pay off debt in the future. 
In the beginning she was okay with everything, but lately she has been dropping little hint images in Facebook private message like, 'a real man should never make his good woman pay for his bad exes mistakes' & 'women who don't ask for much deserve it all' which is true, she never asks for nothing. But sometimes she says that she feels she got the short end of stick, and my ex got all these nice things. I quickly added up the monetary total and explained that she receives far more compensation than my ex ever received. I just feel like I might have fallen into the enabling trap again, and I don't want to make the mistake I made before. Do I give enough? Should I give more? What is the standard split of income between households? Any advice would be appreciated.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have to admit I'm very confused. You wanted a woman who could help you provide for your family. Someone who could be a partner in life, not just another dependant. Then you met and married a woman on disability. I'm not out to insult anyone here, but she was a dependant from the moment you met her. Maybe not dependant on you at that point but certainly not providing for herself, someone else was giving her money to live and when that stopped, you had to start doing it. You've jumped from the frypan into the fire.

To be honest, I can't believe she would turn around and say something like, 'a real man should never make his good woman pay for his bad exes mistakes'. What exactly does she expect from you more than you are currently doing? Does she feel you aren't earning enough? Does she feel like you shouldn't pay your ex child support? You're going to have to explain her comments a little more because right now she is coming across as a spoilt, selfish cow.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

chopperjake said:


> In the beginning she was okay with everything, but lately she has been dropping little hint images in Facebook private message like, 'a real man should never make his good woman pay for his bad exes mistakes' & 'women who don't ask for much deserve it all' which is true, she never asks for nothing. But sometimes she says that she feels she got the short end of stick, and my ex got all these nice things. I quickly added up the monetary total and explained that she receives far more compensation than my ex ever received. I just feel like I might have fallen into the enabling trap again, and I don't want to make the mistake I made before. Do I give enough? Should I give more? What is the standard split of income between households? Any advice would be appreciated.


Yes, it appears that you have indeed "fallen into the enabling trap again" in my opinion. You married a woman on disability, meaning at the time she was unable to support herself and was relying on a Government Entity to pay her bills. Now, for some reason, she no longer enjoys that support and instead of seeking other means of obtaining an income, she now looks to you for financial support. Yes, you went from the frying pan into the fire.

I have to assume either one of two things here, since she no longer collects disability. She is either now capable of earning an income, or she is choosing not to take responsibility on her own to find the means of making up for the financial shortfall. Either way, she was fully aware of your financial obligation to your first family when she married you, so bringing that up now seems to be a means of manipulating you into being the person she now expects to make up for her financial shortfall, instead of herself.

As far as advice goes, I would suggest that you put the ball back into her court and ask her just how she plans to earn an income since she is no longer collecting disability, or is it her intention that you carry the load (which was your fear to begin with).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

That facebook crap just ticks me off! You need to have a 'come to Jesus' convo with her about respect. Ask her how she would like it if you stopped supporting her entitled self. It isn't your fault she chose a loser to father her children.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

So you got out of a bad marriage situation and got yourself into a WORST one (since this woman has 2 kids and doesn't work either).

And you expect some kind of a miracle?

The problem is YOU, you enabled your ex and your current wife to take advantage of you.

You shouldn't be paying for ANYTHING of hers.....from the get go. Especially after the experience you had with your previous wife.

Haven't you learned?

Let me ask you a question. How long did it take you to find this woman after your divorce?

And fact that she made some bad male choices in the past (her kids father) speaks VOLUMES about her/character/ambition and intelligence.

I'm sorry, but you are in a LOT worst situation now. Your current wife MIGHT be able to get you to pay for her kids child support.

Her facebook posts are also "big F U" to you and again tell me she appreciates NOTHING you do.

You are continuing to get involved with the worst of the worst people you can possibly find. 

YOU need to protect yourself and change all that. I'm sorry.

Cut your wife off COMPLETELY from a financial perspective and tell her she needs to find a job FAST and contribute 50% towards household expenses.

Or you walk....

And to answer your original thread topic question. You do MORE than enough if you cover more than 50% of the bills. So YES, you do enough AND some. And some part is the one that keeps getting you in trouble with people though.

Best advice I can give you


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## scarletto (Aug 20, 2013)

It sounds like there are many things you should have discussed with your wife before you were married. Did you explain to her how important it was that she pull her own weight?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

This has nothing to do with money. She realized the situation before she married you... you had an ex, you have kids from a previous marriage and she has kids. She knew all this.

She doesn't like being alone taking care of the family while you're constantly away. She's probably housebound because of responsibilities and sees free cash going to another woman so she can enjoy her life while she isn't.

I bet if you were still living at home money wouldn't be an issue.

Just my two cents.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

chopperjake said:


> I have been married for one year, and in a relationship with my wife for 4 total years. I met my wife 2 years after a divorce from a 10 year marriage, that honestly I felt better divorced than married to my jobless ex. She never worked, reason for that was I bent over backwards, always trying to make her happy with material things, (trips, new purses, clothes, etc...) just for her to show me love and affection. After that failed marriage, I never thought I would love again, and if I did it would have to be with a truly selfless person, and someone who would help provide to the family financially as well as emotionally. Always she would have to accept my children as her own, and be a motherly figure to them when we are together. It was a truly tall order to ask of anyone, but I did find her, miraculously, and I have been so in love these few years. She wasn't working when we met, but she was collecting disability, which helped out with random expenses. That stopped 2 years ago, and my job just wasn't cutting it on providing for a household of 6. Her, me, her 2 daughters, and my 2 daughters. Plus the courts had me paying a big chunk of, only to my ex for child support. No problems there, I have to take care of my kids. But the one problem was, her ex never paid child support because he couldn't keep a job for more than 3 weeks.
> 
> Since times were tough, and our kids were getting older, youngest being 16, we both decided that I should pursue a career that is going to support us All! That is when I received an offer for a position In Kuwait. The plan was for her to move here in one year after her daughter graduates high school. So, to make a long story a little shorter, I am working here, she and is not working, and I am covering two households. I currently provide her with 40% of my take home pay, and I get 40%, with the rest going to savings to pay off debt in the future.
> In the beginning she was okay with everything, but lately she has been dropping little hint images in Facebook private message like, 'a real man should never make his good woman pay for his bad exes mistakes' & 'women who don't ask for much deserve it all' which is true, she never asks for nothing. But sometimes she says that she feels she got the short end of stick, and my ex got all these nice things. I quickly added up the monetary total and explained that she receives far more compensation than my ex ever received. I just feel like I might have fallen into the enabling trap again, and I don't want to make the mistake I made before. Do I give enough? Should I give more? What is the standard split of income between households? Any advice would be appreciated.


Here is a question. When someone close to you asks you for help and you are able to provide immediately and fully, is it one of the most life fulfilling things you know?


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## Aeternus (Mar 11, 2014)

This is insane. When our baby boy was born, my wife quit her job and stayed at home for 1 year while I supported us both.

Throughout that year, greatful doesn't even begin to describe her. Every day she would thank me for giving her the means to stay at home with our son, and we were barely breaking even. She made sure that the house was always clean, and dinner was ready for me when I got home.

After one year, she immediately got a job to help out, and she STILL thanks me every day for making enough so she can just work part time. All the while she's been going to school

What your wife is doing is unacceptable. She is being provided for 100%, while staying home and (I'm guessing) doing nothing all day since her kids are in school, and she's complaining because she can't have nice things?

If she wants nice things, she can go get a job. Maybe you two should separate your finances. I also agree that you are out of the frying pan and into the fire with this one.

Sorry for the harsh post. This irritates me. Marriage is about sharing your life with someone, not just leaning on the other person until they fall over.


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## Carnut (Apr 26, 2014)

Although my wife has not posted anything negative on FB she recently told me I don't take care of her. You and I are kind of in the same boat. I think it is about time you sit her down next time you are home and have a serious talk with her. Find out what the root of the problem is...


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Your new wife is ungrateful. 

You set yourself up for that one though... 

Financially you are fine if she is getting fed and has a roof over her head. 

Emotionally you are getting played.


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