# I've Been Wanting a Divorce for 5 Years



## marriageconcerns0456 (May 18, 2020)

I have been wanting to divorce my husband for about five years. He was nothing like the husband I expected him to be. He's lazy, inconsiderate, has a hygiene problem, unrealistic and overly sensitive. We have two children who are rather young and I go back and forth constantly whether to stay or leave. I cannot disagree or challenge him without him getting defensive or playing mind games and making me feel guilty for not just agreeing with him. I don't trust him with our future. And I have gotten to a point where he infuriates me often.

We have only been married six years. That just seems so soon to divorce. I love him, but I know that is not enough. He feels like a third child. I don't know if I have the energy to keep trying. I don't know if I want to. 

I always knew there were red flags and I ignored them. I kick myself day in and day out for ignoring those red flags. But what do I do? I've suggested marriage counseling, he doesn't want to go.

What do I do? Do I stay or leave?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I do not believe a lot is added to character after the formative years of up to around 16. When we marry, what we see is what we get. If someone is 21 plus and still does not know how to handle human relationships, it is most probably too late. For your part, you try to fix problems by first identifying and spelling them out and second by providing solutions such as counselling. 

Beyond that you have no power to do anything.
If the hygiene problem can be solved, then that is probably easier to solve than all the other issues.
Instead of disagreeing with him and getting worked up, try the diary method. 

Get yourself a large diary. Every night before you sleep take five minutes to write how you feel the day has gone. Do not blame him for anything directly, but make sure you mention that you are not happy when you are not happy. Its about you and not him. You include him in your day report by mentioning what deeds got you unhappy or sad. If he does not clean his teeth simply say you need to buy your husband a tooth brush because he seems not to like the one he has got now. Do not say he came to bed stinking of this or that. Praise him a lot if he does something good to brighten your day whether accidentally or by choice. 

Hide your diary and look like you do not want him to read it, knowing he will definitely steal and read and know everything you think without having a single argument. The more he reads the more he finds out what you don't like and his reactions will be what decides the situation.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

That is something only you can decide. 

You said that you've "suggested" marriage counseling. That is different than telling him it's MC or divorce. Some people need a reason to change, like the risk of losing everything. Just threatening divorce or suggesting MC isn't enough, and actually works against you if they know you are all bluff. 

IMO, it may be time to give him an ultimatum but you have to be ready to follow through with that. If, even when faced with divorce, he is unwilling to do MC or work on himself then I think you have your answer. 

Do not look at it like "we have only been married six years". Would you rather waste 6 years on the wrong relationship or 10, 20, 30 years on the wrong relationship?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Oh boy. Marriage counsellors just love it when people bring in their partner, expecting the MC to "make" them brush their teeth and pick up after themselves. 



marriageconcerns0456 said:


> making me feel guilty for not just agreeing with him


Okay work on that. How does he make you feel guilty? Whatever it is, learn not to get that string pulled.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Too soon? Do you want to wait until you have 10 years in? More? I divorced after decades because I always hoped my husband would change. Wrong. Never happened— not even a little. I absolutely wish I had gotten out very early on but I didn’t. If you know you’re done, time to move on.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

MaiChi said:


> I do not believe a lot is added to character after the formative years of up to around 16. When we marry, what we see is what we get. If someone is 21 plus and still does not know how to handle human relationships, it is most probably too late. For your part, you try to fix problems by first identifying and spelling them out and second by providing solutions such as counselling.
> 
> Beyond that you have no power to do anything.
> If the hygiene problem can be solved, then that is probably easier to solve than all the other issues.
> ...



This is passive aggressive and adolescent.

Confront him calmly and directly and tell him you are prepared to leave without permanent change.

Be willing to follow through.

Don't play childish, manipulative questing games. Be clear.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


MaiChi said:



Instead of disagreeing with him and getting worked up, try the diary method.

Click to expand...

*This is actually a "method?" For real?



> Get yourself a large diary. Every night before you sleep take five minutes to write how you feel the day has gone. Do not blame him for anything directly, but make sure you mention that you are not happy when you are not happy. Its about you and not him. You include him in your day report by mentioning what deeds got you unhappy or sad. If he does not clean his teeth simply say you need to buy your husband a tooth brush because he seems not to like the one he has got now. Do not say he came to bed stinking of this or that. Praise him a lot if he does something good to brighten your day whether accidentally or by choice.
> 
> Hide your diary and look like you do not want him to read it, knowing he will definitely steal and read and know everything you think without having a single argument. The more he reads the more he finds out what you don't like and his reactions will be what decides the situation.


Yeah, she can bend herself into a pretzel playing childish, passive-aggressive games with her husband "Pig Pen" by writing about him in her super duper secret diary, or she can just open the front door and kick his lazy, filthy ass to the curb.

I highly recommend the latter.


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