# Worst summer ever



## Debbie1966 (Aug 28, 2012)

Long post sorry - Heres my story - met at 20, married at 23 in 1989. Was diagnosed in 1988 with ovarian cancer, full hysterectomy, 9 months of chemo. 3 follow up surgeries in 3 years. Luckily no re-occurrences. DH was my first and only intimate partner and I'd only been sexually active for a year prior to diagnosis. we adopted our kids in 1995 and 2000.*

Sex life since has been miserable. There is pain (guessing mostly psychological). OBGYN says no medical reason. DH and i ignored and did not address as we should have ( he says he has tried to address many times) My experience as a young person has unfortunately done a number on me as far as who I am as a woman. *Don't feel sexy, "not whole". However, I am an excellent wife and mom in every other area - maybe too much.*

I chose to be a stay at home mom (daughter 17, son 12) but do contract work part time at my family's convenience. DH provides for us very well. I have increasingly been frustrated with DH lack of making me a priority. He doesn't get that foreplay begins with a smile and kind words in the morning - not "lets go" at 11PM. I have felt unappreciated and not cherished and have been passively resentful for awhile. *I do feel very guilty for not providing what he needs and I dearly wish to have a normal healthy sex life but I want him to treat me like I'm special.*

He has been very active and adventurous since I met him and I've made sure that if I don't join him in doing some things that I also don't hold him back. *He has never had the wife that said no you can't do that, you have to _______. I've always been there to take care of the kids and any other slack.*

6 months ago he started being cold and a bit distant and selfish, *decided to finally go for his black belt in kungfu and has been training and working out nonstop. Goes shirtless every chance he can; shaves his shoulder and back hair - didn't do that since I've known him at 20. Wearing different clothes, talks about going to CA *to go surfing in January, working nonstop, not taking summer holidays with us.*
Well i have been asking him what's going on and he finally said in middle of July that he's struggling, doesn't know if he loves me, tired of our boring life, wants us to move away, experience life, wants me to "live" more, take better care of myself, we r going down separate paths, we want different things, blah, blah.
*I am about 20 pounds overweight, but am active in team sports and gardening and yard work and am trying my best to raise 2 human beings to the best of my abilities. When I have done that, I will ponder the next phase of my life. He has checked out emotionally, physically & mentally. No to counseling. Has no interest in me, our home, our dog, our LIFE. Wants to spend time with kids, but I believe only on his terms. He is busy from 7:00 AM - 9:00PM with his career and Kung fu training.*
There is no addiction, abuse or adultery (I asked him and believe him - he has been brutally honest about everything else)
I think he is having a midlife crisis and I need to ask him to leave - the only way he will figure out what he wants is if a) he realizes he misses his life and was wrong or b) discovers that he was right. If I have to go it alone it's better than living under the illusion that we are a team. The tension is quite unbearable and I am miserable. At least if he is gone I can be myself in my home and go about raising my kids and living my life.* 
Sorry for the rambling - just looking for feedback. Thanks


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

"Sex life since has been miserable. There is pain (guessing mostly psychological). OBGYN says no medical reason. DH and i ignored and did not address as we should have ( he says he has tried to address many times) My experience as a young person has unfortunately done a number on me as far as who I am as a woman. *Don't feel sexy, "not whole". However, I am an excellent wife and mom in every other area - maybe too much.*

The above paragraph is very telling. You think that being a good mother and wife in other areas is enough for a marriage. It's not. We all want a "girlfriend" that's sexually into us. Wives seem to forget this for some reason. He's getting ready for his next lover since he doesn't have one now. He's trying to occupy his time so he can be around for the kids, but he doesn't want to be around you. If he stays with you in this condition he is essentially condemmed to a life without love and sex. A jail sentence of a special kind for most men. Men will find a sexual outlet eventually.

You said you have some issues with your self esteem and cleary don't love yourself so how do you expect him to love you? The cancer was very unfortunate, but you are healed now and need to work on yourself to become mentally whole again. Your answer to this situation is to ask him to leave so its obvious that you don't want to work on yourself. You have a responsibility to your family to be healthy. Its not just about taking care of the house and kids. Its about fulfilling your spouses needs. Have you tried to do that? I think you are using the kids as an excuse to avoid dealing with your issues.


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