# Today is not a good day



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Today is my 34th birthday.
I woke up to dozens of texts from friends & family wishing me well, and that was nice.
I met my mom, sister & niece for breakfast and had a pretty good time.
I should feel happy, and blessed that so many people care about me, but I don't.
More than anything I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until 2012.

On my way home from breakfast, I broke down in my car and asked God to please give me a sign that things are going to get better, because right now I feel like I don't even want to live.
No, I would never be selfish enough to actually follow through with these feelings, it's just how I feel.

H is out of town this weekend with his S at his parents house 3 hours away.
They have a big BBQ every year and he's down there for that, and we are here. I picture him having a great time without a care in the world.
I sometimes wonder if his family misses me, misses my kids.

For some reason I thought H would be around this weekend and possibly come visit me on my bday, wishful thinking I guess.

This pain in my chest hurts so bad, I am so sad that this is my life.

Please God, I'm begging you, please take my pain away.

_________________________
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

To start with happy birthday. I know it sucks, I'm right there with you. I had a really bad day yesterday - today not so bad.

I hope things turn out ok for you. I'm only starting this journey (2 weeks) but for me it is already too long.

Hope you can enjoy the rest of your day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to hear you're feeling down but you need to get it together so here is your birthday 2x4, from me: 

Get in the shower and do your hair, put some make up on and dress in something you like, put on nice undies. 

Go out and get your nails done. Now. Treat yourself to a new shirt or shoes or perfume.

If you have no plans later, call up some friends andd tell them "It's my birthday, b*tches!" and tell them to meet you for dinner/drinks. Or if you want to be a wallflower, stay at home and rent a FUNNY movie for later but DO play music you like loudly all day long, light your favorite candles and wear something fabulous in your house. Treat yourself to some sweets and savor all the deliciousness. You only get this day once every 365 days so you might as well enjoy it.

Put some lippy on and smile in the mirror and say "It's my birthday!!!!!!!!!!"


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## rogerd (May 28, 2011)

Happy birthday!!!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Happy birthday! Try to salvage the rest of your personal holiday. Hell, I celebrate my entire birthmonth. I can imagine how you feel, I have felt similarly since stupidass left. I still check my emails and texts when I wake up in case he woke up in the middle of the night and missed me. That's not gonna happen but I still look.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Jellybeans I like the way you think.

Unfortunately I can't drink right now since I just had surgery and it doesn't mix well with Vicodin. Or maybe I should and I could have a whole different day all together! LOL

However, I did have breakfast with family and am going out for ice cream with a friend later, so I won't mope about.

The good news is they were saying it was going to rain today and it's sunny and beautiful so I am sitting outside soaking up as much as I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! 
:iagree:I agree with what everyone else has said. Don't think about whether or not he is going to text and wish you happy bday or not, that's just going to ruin your day and you deserve better than that!!! 
Do what JB suggested and call up friends to see about going out for a few drinks so you don't have to be alone! And if you have your kids tonight do what I did on my birthday since I was alone and take them out to dinner so you don't have to stay home! Kind of different in my situtation since I don't have many friends and no family where I am currently living so I have to impervise. 

What ever you end up doing I hope you enjoy the rest of your day!!


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

Sorry just read your post about having surgery.. maybe non-alchoholic drinks?? lol


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## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

DG!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

enjoy YOUR birthday! eat ALL of YOUR favorite foods and buy something wonderful for YOURSELF!! it is YOUR day and YOU deserve it. dont worry about how carefree he may be living....TODAY is YOUR day to be carefree!!!! Have fun, let loose and have a great day!!!!


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## Separated79 (May 28, 2011)

Hi there! Happy Birthday Im new in this forum.

Express yourself,if thats how you feel,then let it be cry for as much as you like and when your done you will feel a little bit better at least.
Pray for strenght and try not to think of your H co'z it will hurt more if you think he doesn't even think of you. 

Cry until you bleed,bleed until you mend and mend until,you fall in love again.....


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

DG!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

You're a day ahead and a few years behind me! Mine was yesterday!!!

Best wishes and don't dwell on him or his family or what they are thinking. Go out and have fun and get in some ME time especially on your birthday!

Just remember - they can take everything away except your birthday!!

God Bless and have a Great Day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Happy Birthday.

Consider that it is the surgery (did you have general anesthesia?) and Vicodin and not in particular your mood and the circumstances.

I'd say, have a do-over in a few weeks.
Tell your friends and family that they are all invited to the do-over. 

Keep having do-overs until you are well satisfied that you had a Happy Birthday.

There's no law against this, ya know.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

A big Happy Birthday to you DG, another Gemini right here...my birthday is on Wednesday ;o) JB has the plan, even if you go to the movies by yourself get out there and make it happen. I am not looking forward to my birthday at all (51) and no husband/sd aroung to help celebrate it. Plus to make you say, shyt my day ain't so bad...11 years ago on my birthday the best man I will ever have in my life died...My daddy ;o) Now see, I got pain in my heart. Aside from all our pain WE are going to go through and come out on the other side, smiling and laughing and living a good life. Go enjoy your special day!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, happy bday! I am so sorry u are in so much pain. I know how you feel. Its strange how these things go, its almost like there' a manual for them. My wife is 5 hrs away with her fam. She just facebooked a photo of their family crawfish boil. I was always there on mem weekend. Also her and my niece and her brother wrnt to a music festival last night. I know exactly what you arr going through. Last night I was praying to God for the pain to go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Thank you for the birthday wishes, and especially for the support. I really need it.

The day has been pretty good. I had a friend take me for ice cream and gave me a very thoughtful gift, I was so touched.
Then, I had another friend stop by and brought me a gift, I know I am lucky to have so many people who care about me.

My H sent me a text wishing me HB and said he hoped my day was as special as I am, and that he missed me.

I said thank you and left it at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Perfect, and that was a nice greeting from him ;o) All goodbyes aren't forever. glad you had a wonderful day!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I really don't think we'll reconcile.

Tonight my kids came home from an outing with their Dad and we had pizza and watched Wizard of OZ. It turned out to be a good evening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Today I made a pretty big step, if I do say so myself.

I took every card and letter that H had ever given me and I threw them in the trash. Not only in the trash, but I brought it out to the dumpster in case I had a change of heart and wanted to save them at the last moment.

I did this for a few reasons.

1. I know that I can't keep moving forward if I keep looking back

2. All of those are a symbol of our old marriage. Even if we were to reconcile, that marriage is dead as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to go back to it at all.

3. It hurts to have that stuff laying around, it really does.
Even though it made me sad to do it, it was also freeing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I wish I had that strength, not quite there yet. I am having a very sad day today as well. Nothing major is happening just sadness over what has been lost and what will never be.

My H still has not stopped by to sign anything, i asked him to please do it by tommorrow so I can file stuff by Friday. We will see what happens. I did send him a reminder email today but I haven't gotten a response, not sure what kind of response I was looking for but I was looking for something.

I can't seem to break loose. I'm trying and I know it is the right thing to do. He still has stuff at my house that I would like him to remove, maybe once that is done it will help me.

Time will tell.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> 1. *I know that I can't keep moving forward if I keep looking back*


Quote of the day! :smthumbup:

Hope your birthday ended up nice


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Clinging said:


> I wish I had that strength, not quite there yet. I am having a very sad day today as well. Nothing major is happening just sadness over what has been lost and what will never be.
> 
> My H still has not stopped by to sign anything, i asked him to please do it by tommorrow so I can file stuff by Friday. We will see what happens. I did send him a reminder email today but I haven't gotten a response, not sure what kind of response I was looking for but I was looking for something.
> 
> ...


Yes, my friend, time does heal all. 
How long have you been apart?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

2 weeks -he up and left and I didn't find out until later on that week that there was on OW. He had been going to this town - 10 hrs away off and on for about 6 months telling me it was for business/conferences etc. When I found out that is where he went after he left, I put 2 and 2 together. he still denied it but finally said yes thru text.

I haven't spoken to me since he left - have had some email correspondence and text messages.

We'll see if he signs these papers to seperate our finances.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Oh I am so sorry, and 2 weeks is not enough time for you to get rid of some things like I did. It's been a little over 3 months for me. I promise you that things will get easier. I know it might not seem like it now, but it will.

Are you filing for divorce or separation right now? I think 2 weeks is a little fast, isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I want him to sign over our house to me and we own a business together that I want my name as an owner off. I'm not sure he can be trusted right now while with OW. I don't want her to get anything that I worked 33 years for. I also have a seperation agreement that I would like him to sign.

So far he hasn't made an effort to sign as I don't beleive he is even in town - she lives 10 hrs away.

I have asked for him to come tommorow to sign them, and I haven't heard that he will. I asked him again last night if he would sign them and he said whatever I want and I texted "I want".

I really don't want a divorce but I don't see him coming back and he has done this once before so I think he is out of chances.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I think you are smart, clinging, to protect yourself while he is still in the fog. Might not be so agreeable later.

Delinquent! You whippersnapper! (I'm shaking my cane with the rear view mirror and the horn at you!) All those years stretched out before you full of all the possibilities you can't yet imagine! God will take away the pain in time, and leave a shiny, new life. Count on it, Gurl. 

Love and peace to you!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Uhaul- I can't tell if your complimenting me or scolding me LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

Hang in there! I am 12 weeks into our separation and our divorce hearing is on June 17th. This was a very difficult weekend for me too. I was all alone on Memorial Day while she was at her family's big annual barbecue. So i sucked it up and went out and saw a movie and then bought myself a few things. I never used to do that. It made me fell a little better. I hope you continue tonpush on and find that you will be better off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Oh I am so sorry, and 2 weeks is not enough time for you to get rid of some things like I did. It's been a little over 3 months for me. I promise you that things will get easier. I know it might not seem like it now, but it will.
> 
> Are you filing for divorce or separation right now? I think 2 weeks is a little fast, isn't it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Oh that purge feels so good! I've been separated for 12 months under (my false) assumption we're going to live as a married couple again. I couldn't throw enough stuff out when he laid the divorce thing on me.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Well, for whatever reason this morning was a very emotional morning. I woke up feeling sad, and it all went downhill from there. I cried (a lot) and I prayed, and then I started to feel better.

I asked God to please help me, to show me that this will get easier, because I can't go on living like this. It was one of those cries that makes you want to take a nap after your finished.

I always, always feel better after those.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Sad,

I know how hard limbo is, trust me! I've been living it also.
If a D is what he wants, my suggestion would be to not hang out together anymore because he is sending mixed signals.
Give him a chance to miss you, to see what he would be missing. I know it is very very hard to do, but in doing this you are taking some of the power back from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Hi all,

After my entire hope for a one last chance was quashed yesterday, I have also decided to give up, let go, and move on with my life. Taking off my wedding ring is one of the most painful things that I have ever done but I just have to do.

I am crying a river while typing this. Today marked the first day I have really given up. 

I have sent a short e-mail to my husband telling him that I have let him go and he is free, which is what he always wanted. It is do damn painful but I am not hoping anymore. If ever there is a hope that he will come back, then it's not up to me anymore. 

During this time I feel like dying, I hope I don't wake anymore and just die. It's so painful to let go of someone I still love so much. But I can't do anything about it. I have to let go.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

YBG-
Don't send him the email. If you are going to let go, you don't need to send him that via email. Give yourself some time to gather yourself together, cry, pray, whatever you need to do to get through this.
If tomorrow you still feel this way, then send it. Don't do it while you are emotional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Don't beat yourself up over it, we all have set backs. We're human and it's bound to happen.
As hard as it is, try not to think about all the things you could be doing with your H. You MUST change your thinking.
I know it is so much easier said than done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

DG, 

Thanks for the reply.. I know this is your thread. But today I really feel like dying. It just hurts so much. I already sent him the e-mail and unfortunately he also replied something textbook (but I couldn't care anymore). He is now free, that is what he wants. I sent it because I just want it to be over with - it's like pulling out the band-aid quickly. 

If he is going to miss me, I don't know anymore. Maybe yes, maybe not, but maybe he won't really come back. It kills me to accept that fact.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Uhaul- I can't tell if your complimenting me or scolding me LOL
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Complimenting and trying to encourage!My tone doesn't translate well on the board. I need to work on that!! Sorry!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

YBG-dont worry about writing in this thread. It's titled what it is because we ALL have those days and it sounds like you are having one of those as well.

Sad-most people in my life know what is going on, but I only discuss it with a select few. I save the majority of my hurting for this board and my journal. As hard as it is, maybe not talk about your situation all of the time. Of course you need friends to lean on for support, but I find if all I talk about is how sad I am, I'll never stop feeling sad.

Are you in counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My soon to be ex can kiss my ass. He's throwing some sort of fit over god knows what-I can think of about three things that send him into an infantile rage.

Anyway, I was sitting there fretting "why is he mad, what should i do?" NOTHING. YOU DO NOTHING STAIRCASE. Gah when I am going to get this through my thick skull.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

She's testing me today. Queen Sh**t! The looks are so strange. 36 years and I've never seen that look. Wow, now I know what it's like to be a stranger in her eyes. The leer she gave me today because I was commuting from work with her and I accidently went out the wrong parking garage exit. What ever happened to laughing? I even joked and said "fail" on my part. I know, why are you commuting with her? Because weve been doing it forever and it's convenient for now - just found out it aint worth it! I need out; need to sell the house pronto! Need to be on my own to get a new perspective on my life. Geez, it is so weird, you spend almost your whole life with someone and they can change to a stranger in an instant. I really hope this doesn't keep me from ever trusting someone again - I think I need to get myself to a counselor. Sh****tttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sorry, I did not mean to say the Queen part. I am just angry! Started to feel like I wasted my life. Thank God for my kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

It's totally ok. Better to say it here than to her face.
Hopefully you didn't because that would be stooping to her level.

Please find yourself a counselor, it really really does help. I can't say it enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, OK, I was ranting. It comes and goes - that isn't really me, but then again, I've never really been me in a divorce process. I am typically a pretty calm person. I think I know what is eating away at her - but I am just guessing. I guess I've been doing for the last 6 weeks what she has been asking; no DEMANDING, that I do for the last few years - last year excluded. I've been taking care of myslef, starting to trim up pretty good, changed my POV on many things, I am smiling more (have my ups and downs with that), enjoying other people's company more than ever. I think that it is pissing her off that I am looking better. I believe she sees it as some revenge type of thing and she is missing that point that I am doing it to better myself, I am learning on how to not make past mistakes. Yes, I can understand why she would be angry since she had to be the one to end our marriage and I think she did not want to do that and now there's no going back. I can't turn back the clock and undo things. I have to move on as a better person; I don't like seeing her bitter. Quite honestly, she was also partly responsible for our short comings - and she called it quits. I wonder if I should even let that get to me since she isn't really mine anymore - wish she was, but she isn't. I don't know if she expected me to just lay down and quit living. When she announced her wanting out to me, she said to me her greatest concern was that I was going to be alright. Well, now that it appears that way, she is acting like she is angry. I am no where over this D yet as I have quite a ways to go with separating our finances and finding a place for me but I feel like I am getting a little bit better everyday. Still have my down moments though; everyone on here knows how much that s**cks.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am not having a good day either. A month ago I was eagerly planning a move to a great city to restart my marriage. Today I get an email wondering why the divorce papers aren't coming sooner. I'd be crying my head off but I'm not sure I can even cry anymore because I've cried so much.

I wish I could take a month off of work and just hide on the couch with movies and tv. I can't concentrate.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Oh Sh****t! She just called me and said she wanted to meet for lunch. I don't have a clue in the world what it is going to be about; it could go south real quick, or it could be something positive. Whatever it is - it couldn't wait until we got home this evening so that can't be good; and by her silence this morning on the way into work, I am not getting those positive vibes. Oh well, will keep you all posted.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Definitely let us know, I hope it's good!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I will think good thoughts for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks stair and DG - T-minus 10 minutes before lunch. Eh, I can't just go on day to day walking on eggshells; I ain't skerd! Well, maybe just a little shaky. D**mn woman! :scratchhead:


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip. It wasn't good news as I suspected. I don't expect much positive news from anything nowadays. She said that the kids are asking her to make first contact with my parents (the grandparents) to start to mend their relationship. My W said, she will not disrespect herself by making the initial offering to extend an olive branch (which I have no idea how that would go) to them but that WE need to take care of this because she doesn't want to see the kids hurt. I couldn't help but to agree with her - I have been very disappointed that my parents have been so angry and spiteful towards her. Actually, events happened at the worst time (as they always do). When she broke the D to me (and the family) was two days before our son-in-laws college graduation. When they saw each other at the graduation (my parents, sister, and W), my stbxw said hello to them and they just shunned her and ignored her, she was walking right in front of them in the seat aisle - it actually embarressed me. When they tried to call the house during mothers day and she (my W) answered, they did not speak and just hung up. My sister is even worse with her. My W said she wanted to wish my mother a happy mothers day.

It is so unfair how my divorce is taking a back seat to this drama. I have far too much to deal with; and I don't have room in my heart for any more pain. Anyway, my stbxw said to me during lunch that I have to step in and work with her for the sake of the kids only - that she doesn't have any feelings whatsoever for my parents and sister that she would be OK with never speaking to them again but WE have to talk to them together for the sake of the kids. I also told her that maybe 4 to 5 weeks is not long enough for them to heal. They are still grieving. I have a friend here that disagrees and thinks that she is the one the needs to take responsibility for her decision - My W feels like the divorcve was a 50/50 problem between the two of us so she says I am just as much to blame and that I need to step in and try to do something for the sake of the kids, not for her because she has no feelings for them (my parents and sister) at this point. I don't know it that is true or if she is just indifferent; it looked like she meant that.

The thing is that I already told my parents that they have to be careful that the grand kids don't start to get distant from them. That they need to realize that she is the mother of their grandchildren and that I need all the hatred to stop.

I swear, I am so hurt by all of this that I don't want to speak to anyone, not her, not my parents, not the kids, no one. Isn't it rediculous that I can not move on from my 36 year marriage because this one issue is in the way. Unbelievable! She also told me that she has absolutely no connection to them, or me, that she has moved on and that as far as she is concerned, she is "gone" - her words. Can I die now?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

What a nightmare, like you don't have enough to deal with already!!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Honestly, your W is right.
The way your family is treating her is unacceptable. She is still the mother of your children.
I know your family means well and they are protective of you, heck that is what family is for, but their actions are childish and you need to tell them to knock it off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thank you staircase. I am so glad you guys are on here and that at least I have my best friend here at the office working with me. He has been so supportive of me. I trust his opinions because he has been through more than anyone can imagine and still has such stong faith in God, and the most caring, loving wife ever - he deserves it. Just a tidbit about him, he was heavily into drugs when he was in high school, married his first wife young, had a child that died when he was just 5 months old, had another son who was in trouble all the time, he's been married now for 18 years to his second wife, gave a kidney to his older brother 6 years ago, had throat cancer 5 years ago and is now recovered, and is now a completely different person. He has not touched drugs in 20 years, his trouble son from his first marriage is now getting married and has his feet firmly plated on the ground, His cancer is completely recovered. He has a son by his current wife (2nd marriage) that is a great and smart kid. Basically, what I am saying is that it is a blessing to have a friend that has been through so much, has experience in these matters, and is always there for me.

I just wish all of this would go away for me. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel so far.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I agree his parent are acting childish and should be able to rise above but on the other hand, as a parent, I would feel the same away about someone hurting my children. Just the mother bear coming out in me, except I would keep my feelings to myself.

Hope all works out for you. More drama, something we all don't need more off.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, I've tried but they won't budge. I think it has to do with pride on both their parts actually (my parents and my W). Nobody wants to be the first to show face and eat crow - which is my take on it. So immature I can't stand it. And they should not only do it for the grandkids, but it is what I need to at least be able to start to move on with my life. Then after that, I have to decide whether I want to take on my sister!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OMG, I can't even say that my stbxw has turned into a total stranger! A total stranger would give me more respect! Really after 36 years of sharing everything 50/50 she starts telling me how she wants to run the finances but she wont touch them. She wants me to continue to pay the bills and to talk to my daughter about the money we are giving her (she is still in school). But she wants me to report back to her what is left over and she wants to make sure i only use half of it and she the other half. WTF am I now, an indentured servant! I say BS to that. I might just tell her to do the damn bills and report back to me. I am so hurt and mad by this new person she has become. 36 years and she is treating me like sh**t! I think she thinks that because I loved her and treated her with respect all these years and bent over backwards doing her favors and making sure she never overexerted herself physically, that I am a doormat! Huh, she has never known the other me, the one that treats people with kindness and respect as I have her for 36 years but she has never seen the ugly side of me. I,m about to set her ass straight. Don't provoke the beast. She's doing it because she's never seen it but she's about to get an eye opener. She may shat herself when she finally sees the person she has thought I never was and she won't like it. I am at the end of my generosity and gentlemanly rope! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am really, really missing my H today. I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks, and it's taking it's toll on me. I hate how some days are great and others are awful. I know that's life, and I am trying to remember that I need to trust God, that He knows what He is doing. I trust Him, I just wish I didn't have to be in so much pain while I'm waiting.

I am willing to wait for as long as I am wanting to reconcile. If & when I decide that I no longer want this or I feel enough time has passed, then I will let go.
I find comfort in knowing he doesn't want to D, and I am trying to let him do his soul searching to try to figure out who he is. I hope that it leads us back to one another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

DG, I hope you get what you hope for. Keep the faith and keep on praying. I will do the same for all of you on here wanting to reconcile.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

DG

Do you at least talk to your H. I haven't seen mine in 3 weeks either and it is so hard especially when weekends come.

We won't be reconciling but it would be nice if he at least wanted too or acknowledged you as his wife still.

Hang in there and I hope your H finds himself and soon.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

geez bright what's up with the steamy avatar?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> geez bright what's up with the steamy avatar?


Well, I thought at first I was going to use one I had with the picture of a woman's face with masking tape X'ed across her mouth (it was funny) but I decided against negative waves and went for the positive vibe. :rofl: I didn't think this one was that steamy, I thought it was romantic. I can change it! Don't want to give the wrong idea. It's actually a pencil sketch very nicely done.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

haha well I think it's funny since I know you're not a total misogynist or anything. We're just blowing off steam here.

No need to change, I was just giving you a hard time.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Clinging said:


> DG
> 
> Do you at least talk to your H. I haven't seen mine in 3 weeks either and it is so hard especially when weekends come.
> 
> ...


We don't talk as much as we text. Reason being is he usually works overnight and I work during the day.
He does continue to tell me that he loves me and misses me, but that's about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> We don't talk as much as we text. Reason being is he usually works overnight and I work during the day.
> _He does continue to tell me that he loves me and misses me, but that's about it._
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats about 50 steps up the ladder than me 

My ex has stated that she will check her email account (the only one I know) once a week - she has already checked more than that, haven't actually spoke to her for about 3, maybe 4 months, haven't sent or recieved txt msg for almost the same period.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

After 2 weeks of H being away, I had my first full-dream on my sleep, the first time that I have a well-rested sleep.

But the dream was awful -- he was already my ex, and he is like a stranger to me, I tried to say get his attention, and he smiled. We have our own separate lives. It was like a couple years into the future except the other characters on the background are people from our past.... It was awful, we were like strangers!!! Sh*t!!!

I woke up with a feverish nape. His side of the bed still has his pillow. I am sill trying to sleep only on my side of the bed. It's awful. When will this agony end??? He might never really come back after all..


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I think death would be easier, you would be forced to let go, there would be no hope left. I think that is why it is so hard to move on, we still have hope and don't want to lose it.

Sorry to hear about your situation


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

I think all of us have had those sort of dreams, the mind sorting things out, they don't last, just know that, it was a few weeks for myself, others longer, still others were shorter time span.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

staircase said:


> haha well I think it's funny since I know you're not a total misogynist or anything. We're just blowing off steam here.
> 
> No need to change, I was just giving you a hard time.


Had to look that one up! Heck no, I like woman! They make the world a mysterious place. LOL!!!! There's just one that is making my life a living hell right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

yourbabygirl said:


> I woke up with a feverish nape. His side of the bed still has his pillow. I am sill trying to sleep only on my side of the bed. It's awful. When will this agony end??? He might never really come back after all..


OH dude I make sure I take up that ENTIRE king size bed. I slept on my side for a while then wondered what the hell I was doing. I sleep diagonal across it. I am using all that real estate.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I have thought about that, too sadand. I know it's all morbid, but I thought the same thing you did. I feel this horrible loss and that's because the person _wanted_ to go away and leave me.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I also feel like death is easier to deal with.

I think it is because I value our wedding vows, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death parts us.. 

He said he is unhappy in the relationship, why can't it be considered like it's one of the bad phase of our marriage, and eventually it will get better? If he is unhappy, why not go to a bar and drink with his friends, why not take a vacation? Why does he have to end our marriage because of his selfish demands? I am unhappy as well because of what he is doing but I am sticking it up for him...


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

It is sad how we all say those words when we get married and then a few or many years later they seem like a puff of smoke. Does anybody truly understand those words when they say them. I have the same issue with my W. I am unhappy because she left me, but I still can't get angry at her. If we don't get back together I am sure that time will come, but right now I just love her so much that I can't be mad at her leaving.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

The limbo part is the toughest to deal with. I want to know, but I don't want to know.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip, i was there. Now I just want her gone. I still hurt the worst when I look at the pictures. Too many memories. I just want to punch her back into reality. Ahhh, just ranting. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Rant away. I have a hallway full of pictures of her and her family. I have to walk by them everyday to go to bed or the bathroom. I don't take them down because I can't bear to do that either.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

sadand said:


> oh yes, the anger will come. I thought since I love him so much, I just wanted to be good all the time. Now, i just want to hit him


I'm going with pushing him down a steep flight of stairs. I don't want to bruise my pretty hands


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Sometimes it feels like I can get there, but then the sadness comes. It gets easier and then harder. I don't know where to go.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Good for you. Go to your conference and have some fun. I am heading to one in August. Too far away to be of any help now, but I am planning on living it up when I go.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Tonight, while at a friends house, I took a look at H's FB account. (We are not friends on FB but have many mutual friends) and some of his status updates made me feel like sh*t.
If it's any comfort, at least I know I'm not the only one hurting.

As for thinking death would be easier, I disagree. I understand the whole closure part of it, death is so final, but I don't want to imagine a world without H in it. The world would be a darker place without him, even if he is no longer my H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

^ that's pure love DG - made me feel selfish that I would choose death over this... I am ashamed of myself. Why would I wish bad things to happen to that one person who meant the world for me? 

Maybe he would never really come back, at least not in the very near future, it may take months, years, or decades for him to realise what he lost when he left me, but if I really love him, maybe 10-20 years from now we could always go back to us, maybe we will have different partners by that time, but maybe just maybe we will be both in the same situation where we can make it work out. I guess I was just obsessing with the novel of Gab Garcia Marquez "Love in the time of cholera."


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Don't be ashamed of yourself, I can completely rate to the emotions that you are feeling with death, everything is so final.


It's very hard especially if you have children together to have to see that person and remind yourself of the love that you once shared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

YBG, i didn't read your post as u meaning ur SO. I thought u were talking about yourself. Not that that is any better but- I can tell u from experience, this is better than death. I went through the emotion last year of thinking about losing my wife to cancer and I can tell you that this divorce, although extremely painful, is nothing compared to the emotions I had last year where I thought I was going to lose her forever. This D thing idms a different kind of pain but at least my kids still have their mother. I know you didn't mean what you though. Things will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

maybe i'll just spend the rest of my life waiting for him to change his mind.. I still love him after all he's put me through and anytime he wants to come back, he is the most welcome -- however of course I pretend otherwise...


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Don't view it as "waiting" for him. Let me ask you something, if you and your H were divorced right now, what would you be doing differently?

For me, if my H & I were D, I wouldn't be doing anything differently. I would still be in C, I would still not be ready to date or meet anyone else, and I would still be doing things with my friends and family. I don't think I'm waiting for him, I think I'm getting on with my life as best I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

DG, I can't even think of D without having this burning chest and freezing sensation in my arms. I don't know what I am going to do by then. I hope there is still a fix for this. 

I am giving him all the space and time in the world hoping he'll come back to his senses. Sometimes I feel confident he will miss me eventually, but sometimes it seems like I am losing him FOREVER. Ouch, ouch!!

I am tempted to start dating other guys (nothing serious) because as far as I know my H, he just needs this whack in the head to come to his senses. Problem is if I choose the wrong kind of whacker then I lose him for good.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Don't date someone else, especially if it's because you want your H to come to his senses. Think about the potential date and his feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

yourbabygirl said:


> I am tempted to start dating other guys (nothing serious) because as far as I know my H, he just needs this whack in the head to come to his senses. Problem is if I choose the wrong kind of whacker then I lose him for good.


please do not go down that track, wont do you, your H or the guy(s) you choose to date any good at all.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Yup, I know I cannot, just tempted.. This is a very tough time I am going through and I know most of us are in this stage.. I also cannot think properly sometimes, I need to calm down, I know.. 

I am running out of ideas what kind of whack in the head my H needs to come back to his senses. I'm doing an almost complete 180.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

yourbabygirl said:


> Yup, I know I cannot, just tempted.. This is a very tough time I am going through and I know most of us are in this stage.. I also cannot think properly sometimes, I need to calm down, I know..
> 
> I am running out of ideas what kind of whack in the head my H needs to come back to his senses. I'm doing an almost complete 180.


either all or none basically.

But you have to remember, 180 is more for *you*, if it helps your partner, fine, but that is secondary.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Not having a good night. I'm sitting here freaking out about finances and stupid crap. I think I'll make a thread and see if that helps.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Crankshaw said:


> either all or none basically.
> 
> But you have to remember, 180 is more for *you*, if it helps your partner, fine, but that is secondary.


CS, I dunno if 180 is helping me at all. I'm trying to be patient and it's taking up so much energy. I watch the same youtube videos over and over again, simple laughs which doesn't remind me of him just because he doesn't buy that kind of humor.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

babygirl,

It takes a lot of energy. I am right there with you. I haven't implemented the 180 fully at this point. I can't stand to do it. I tried it for a week and it turned me into a pile of goo! I couldn't stand not knowing what was going on. The worst part for me is calling or texting and then waiting for a response. My therapist says that if I do something like that, if I don't get an answer, I should leave the phone at home and go do something else. The problem is that the response is all I think about and then after an hour or two I race home and check the phone and, usually nothing. Sometimes she won't answer me until the next day. I know it is the busy season for her at work. Just makes me crazy in this big house (seemed small when we were together) alone.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Soon to be ex will answer me pretty much right away, but it's never what I want.

"How are you?"
-fine.

"So, how's work?"
-fine.

"Did you read that thing?"
-no.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't know which would be worse. The interminable wait for the response or the cold response. I talked with my W tonight and she is coming up tomorrow to help out with a project I am working on. She asked me out of the blue if I wanted to watch a movie with her. What does that mean? We haven't talked about the big D for a week and a half and she seems to be much more friendly with me in that time. Maybe because I have been, but I still get the same treatment when I call or text her. We were talking on the phone the other night and even though she was tired (I could tell) she kept talking to me even after I said things like "I should let you go" which it says in all of the books that you should terminate conversations first so you don't look clingy. What is a man to do in this situation?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Staircase-my advice would be to stop texting your H. It comes off as pursuing and does his responses make you feel any better? 

This is hard for all of us, and it hurts like h*ll. I know. But we have to remember that our spouses do not complete us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Dante, I think they are trying to slowly detach. Instead of one big bandaid rip, they want to peel it off slowly. Maybe she is just trying to acclimate to a new life. I think that she is happy with you when she feels like it and then when its convenient she wants to be free to do her thing. My W is the same way. We worked all day gettimg the house ready for sale, then we watched a movie. I think that they are happy they are leaving but want to spend some time in a comfort zone of their H when they are not feeling upset. I don't know why we are acting like such wimps and agreeing to enjoy whatever time it is that they want with us. We probably need to put our foot down at some point and grow a pair! LOL! Ok, Im just ranting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

It feels that way sometimes. I don't know what to think. Michele Wiener Davis says that in order to rebuild the relationship you have to have good times together to get the love back on track, but I just don't know what to think. I talked with my Mom tonight and she says it sounds like she wants a boyfriend, not a husband. Don't get me wrong I am glad that she is coming (if she does that is), but I am also scared out of my mind. I hate this oscillation from loving her to being angry for the games to being depressed. At some point I do have to "grow a pair" and bring up the elephant in the room, but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. I really want to see if she will at least come back and spend the weekends with me (since she works and now lives out of town) to see if we can work this out. She hates driving by the way. One of the reasons she said she didn't kick me out of the house instead of her leaving. Just so confused and don't know what to do.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Eh, i know man. At least mine has a direction and a plan - I think! I mean sometimes shes great and sometimes she just looks like she cant stand the sight of me. Dr Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde! I think maybe you should talk about the white elephant and set some boundaries. Both of you clarify what your intentions are; I know you might be worried she will just tell you ok, i wont come by anymore. But really maybe that is what needs to happen so you can try to move on and get out of limbo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

I'm putting back my wedding ring on - after a attending a half-day Christian gathering and prayer group. Somehow I find the strength to let him go, give him all the time and space that he needs, while being his wife who loves him from afar. My H is going through a very tough time and he has major issues with himself, depression and childhood trauma, and he really cannot handle an extra relationship right now. 

But I am still his wife and I would like to be faithful to him and I am giving him his freedom to resolve whatever he needs to resolve for now. At the same time I plan to take care of myself and also resolve my own issues so I can be a better wife for him if ever he comes back.

I'm never really a religious person before but somehow this seems like the best advice I have ever gotten so far.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

YBG- I am glad that experience has given you strength. That is very important.
I've never been religious but more spiritual. I do believe in God but I do not believe everything that organized religion wants me to believe.
This isn't meant to be a debate on religion, so my apologizes if it came across that way.

I pray to God every single day. Several times a day. When I think I can't possibly go on any more, I remind myself that I am still here, still breathing, and that God has a plan for me. Sometimes I get frustrated and beg for mercy, but somehow I keep on keeping on so I know He is watching over me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> Staircase-my advice would be to stop texting your H. It comes off as pursuing and does his responses make you feel any better?
> 
> This is hard for all of us, and it hurts like h*ll. I know. But we have to remember that our spouses do not complete us.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree 100%. I haven't spoken to him via any medium since Tuesday. I guess his emphatic "I still want to talk to you!" was a load of poo.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Ya know what this board needs. A full time counselor. Maybe if we all chip in some cash we can get them to hire someone certified to answer all our questions and figure some of this stuff out. My C is great, but one hour a week just doesn't seem to be enough.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

^ Yup, one hour a week is definitely not enough.. 

I am actually talking to 2 different counselors and I am quite lucky that the insurance covers them for the first 6 sessions (each).


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## angelstarnash8567 (Jun 3, 2011)

I feel the same way. You arent alone in this. This is going to be late and all. But I just want to let you know someone else is feeling the same way. Just keep praying really hard everyday. I ask God for strength everyday.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Today hasn't been the greatest day either, so I might as well keep posting in this thread instead of starting another one.

I have had no contact with H for 2 days now. The last I heard from him was a text Fri night saying hi, and that's it. I sent him a pic yesterday of our cats being bums, no response.
Before I went to bed last night I told him I was thinking about him and I hoped he got a chance to enjoy the beautiful weather...again no response.

I feel rejected each and every time this happens, so my only option is to stop trying to initiate any sort of contact. The more I push, the more he retreats. I should know this from the DR book I've been reading, I guess I can't help but think I could be the exception to the rule. I guess not after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

_It's Queen's Birthday holiday and when I woke up and a miracle happened. The left side of the bed wasn't empty, I tried feeling with my arm, and then it was him, I can recognize his faint sweat. H grabbed me and hugged me, saying he was very sorry he left, asking for forgiveness, promising never to leave my side again. I can't open my eyes, but I was feeling him tightly hugging.. I wanted to talk but he said he just wanted to hug me for a while. _

And then, I really woke up!!! The left side of the bed is empty and I have a bad headache.


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