# Dirty house v messy house



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

i know this probably shouldnt be in the sex part but hey.....

My wife and i have been married for one year but together for 6.
I was brought up in a very clean household where she was brought up in a very dirty/messy commission house.


Since living together the two homestlyes get challenging. As i love living in a clean house and can relax more in a nice clean house when washing is away/dishes are done and carpet cleaned. Where as my wife can leave dishes for 2 days or not vacume for a week and leave clothese all around the house.

I believe its not her fault as she knows NO other way as that the way she lived as a child. But i was brought up living in a clean house and to put items away when finished or dirty clothes in washing machine and do dishes after eating etc.

We have a lot of arguments regarding house hood chores and ack of them on her part. Its like that TV show WIFE SWAP USA sometimes when im the clean person and she is the dirty (but im not a clean freak far from it)

Im guessing its common but would like to hear here other peoples comments on this issue.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I didn't see a direct question so I'll just tell you my experience.

My husband was brought up in a ****-and-span household where everything was dusted and washed every day at least once. His parents have a chow chow (indoor dog) and I've never seen a single hair in their house (except on the dog's body). I think his mom might have a bit of a problem... LOL.

I on the other hand was brought up on a farm and my dad commuted 2 hours/day and was gone from before I got up until after I went to sleep, and my mom was outside working on the farm ALL the time, so our house was dusty (from living on a dirt road), cluttered, and definitely "lived in." It wasn't dirty but it would have given my mother in law a panic attack.

At first, I struggled a bit with making sure everything was done... after living on my own for so many years, I was used to doing the dishes whenever I felt like it, dusting whenever I felt like it (as in... very rarely), etc. The first year of our marriage, my husband did some of the cleaning (bathroom and floors specifically), and he also eased back on some of his expectations (especially re: dusting and the bed being made every day).

After a year of marriage, now I am MUCH better. He still does the bathroom and takes out the trash, and periodically does the floors (maybe 1 out of every 4 times), but I do lots of chores that I used to procrastinate. It really helped that this year we have a dishwasher and a washing machine for the first time. (Still no dryer though.) Not having to hand-wash all our clothes and dishes saves me time and I put the dishes directly into the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink / on the counter like I always used to.

That first year we both gave a little - he relaxed a little on his expectations, and I stepped it up a little on my chores. 

After that year, though, we're pretty much where we should be: he doesn't have to sacrifice the clean environment he likes, and I have my "labor-saving devices" and don't mind doing the housework anymore. I even make the bed which I used to hate doing because my mom NEVER made us do it my whole childhood.

I think what helped me the most was being able to do things the easy way. Getting the dishwasher and the washing machine (Swiffer made my life easier too) really helped. The time I used to spend doing that stuff by hand I can now spend on the decluttering, organizing, dusting, bed-making, ironing, etc. that I avoided in the past.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hiring an immigrant to do it is cheaper than fighting about it.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

brendan said:


> I believe its not her fault as she knows NO other way as that the way she lived as a child.


Having a tough time with this statement. 

She knows another way, just isn't interested. 

I had a terrible childhood including neglect, abuse, abandonment. None of my 4 children have suffered from the these. Only because I KNOW ANOTHER WAY - because I'm an ADULT. 

Childhood experience/trauma affects who we are - undeniably.
It does not determine who we will be. That's our choice.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

On a more helpful note, though...... 

Are there certain jobs that make you especially crazy? Dirty laundry? Dishes? Floors? Bathroom?

Have you considered breaking it down a bit? Have a warm conversation with your wife and tell her your concerns. See if she will work with you. Choose an area/chore that could use focus and both commit to being in charge on 1 job. For now. See if it helps. If so, can be expanded on in the future.

And I agree, good cleaning tools make the job much easier!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

One more thing - 

If you see change, say it out loud. Help provide motivation.

My X really appreciated clean laundry and I bent over backwards to make sure he (and all the kids) have their entire wardrobes available each Monday (not without fail, but was always the goal).

He thanked me regularly for making his life easier in this way. His gratitude caused me to be even more diligent.

Housework sucks. Is necessary. Really nice when someone notices!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband has OCD with cleaning...and I'm not joking.

I was always clean, but somewhat untidy. Since understanding his OCD, I have implemented more organizational things into our household and it's really relaxed him. He no longer goes around straightening everything...omg...

We're both clean, but we had a different opinion of what clutter should be and how often we should clean. 

The big thing that helped us was tidying up before bed every night. It's nice to wake up to a house where everything is in its place.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

yes janie, certian jobs do make me mad.

like dishes, i like them done on the same day, I rarely like to have dinner and leave dishes there for the next day, so i do them evry night.

she washes all clothes and hangs them up in house rather than the washing line outside and that gets to me but i dont complain about that anymore as long as there washed., im always the one who puts them away after they dry for 24 hrs. She can leave them on clothes rack in house for 3 or4 days drying.

and general dumping of stuff on dinner table, always magazines/clothes/toys/paperwork on there. where its hard to sit there and half lunh half the time. So not dirty house just very messy.and yes i think i do 50% of housework and shouldnt have to do anymore as i do 100% outside.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I grew up with 11 siblings.... no privacy, everything was up for borrowing, lots of hand-me-downs, etc... The house was "picked up", not spotless. I had 5 kids, and my house was about the same. 

Just remarried about a year ago....to Mr. OCD/ Rainman. I told him, I won't b#tch about your freaky "have to have the bed made perfectly" (and whatever else along those lines...) as long as you understand that it's YOUR problem. I don't care if the bed is made. And when I do make it (to be nice) I know it's not up to code.  But he appreciates that I did it.

So we've adjusted. He's had to get used to the whole "commune" mentality... and I've had to get used to his only-child-syndrome! But, it's to his benefit that his kids are now part of the whole "commune"! It also helps that his ex is a slob and a hoarder! I look like an angel!!! 

Basically, my advice is to pick a chore or two that are of utmost importance to you, and OWN them. If its that big of an issue for you, then YOU take on that job. Talk to her and get her to agree on two the SHE doesn't mind owning. There could be a compromise in there somewhere.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I grew up getting beatings if something was not cleaned perfectly. My mother still mops her tiles twice a day. 

I can be messy, but never dirty. I leave things on the floor because I honestly forget. Yet I always pick up after myself within a few hours of leaving things.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

brendan said:


> yes janie, certian jobs do make me mad.
> 
> like dishes, i like them done on the same day, I rarely like to have dinner and leave dishes there for the next day, so i do them evry night.
> 
> ...


Maybe you could choose one? For now. 

Dinner table sounds like a good place to start (personally can't stand all horizontal surfaces cluttered - makes me crazy!!) Anyway, it is easily solved. And can be a success shared together.

Who's stuff is it? Everybody in charge of their own. Once a day? Before dinner? Maybe get a nice table runner & centerpiece to make the table look pretty. People may be more reluctant to dump crap on there.

Seems there could be a solution with negotiation, understanding and patience - on both sides.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

tried that, bought a nice bowl and bought some fruit. put in on the table, lasted a week. now its gone. This is sort of least of our worries but just one of the many niggly things that we fight about weekly is the messy house.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

The small things can really add up and lead to resentment if not addressed. 

Especially if any big needs are not being met...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Illegal Honduran maids. Russians don't like to follow orders.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Illegal Honduran maids. Russians don't like to follow orders.


Named Rosita.


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