# how long is long enough for needing space



## Janner

some of you have read my threads - so how long is long enough to give your wife when she has moved into out into a 6 month rented house across town and... her facebook status changed from "married" to "complicated"... just trying to figure out how long to leave her alone and not bother her but not wait too long?

Janner


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## Janner

should I just point blank ask her how long she wants? or am I deluding myself at this point?

Confused, and missing her.

Janner


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## BigBadWolf

How long should a man give a woman space?

Zero seconds. And even that is pushing it.

The "confused" woman is simply this, a woman waiting to see which man is going to fight harder for her.

If you want your woman back, be that man.

I wish you well.


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## Josh145

Post deleted, sorry I was in a negative frame of mind after an argument with my wife, I wish you well in however this turns out in the end.


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## f1r3f1y3

Janner,

I don't agree with BigBadWolf at all. I don't think she is waiting for be fighted for. If anything the opposite, maybe she felt smothered in the relationship, just a guess.

It sounds like she is holding all the cards. She's trying out life without you, she wants to have her cake and eat it.

What about you?

If I was you, I'd sever all contact with her. It is going to hurt like hell but at least you will be the one in control.

You MAY take her back if she comes back and begs for forgiveness but until that time, maybe it's time to start working on you. You have some space now too. Fitness? sports? social life?

As is so often said to guys on this board, and something I often tell myself, MAN UP!


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## mwb1983

My feeling is that she is seeing what else is out there, and if she doesn't find anything better, she will come back and expect you to take her back.


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## nice777guy

There is no answer. I'm in the same boat - wife out with a 6 month lease. One month into things I hate to say I'm not feeling any better.

I have every reason to think that at the end of 6 months we will KNOW. If I'm still saying "I'm not feeling any better", then that is the FINAL answer.

If I can live through 6 months of crap together, I think I can take a chance that 6 apart could possibly help.

Good luck to us both.


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## JMAN777

mwb1983 said:


> My feeling is that she is seeing what else is out there, and if she doesn't find anything better, she will come back and expect you to take her back.


I have been getting this feeling too when my spouse and I talked about separation. And then I started thinking if I really wanted to be someone's backup plan waiting with my arms wide open. Not happening. If it's with clear goals and space to get away from daily stress being with two people, that's one something different.


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## cyrene

How long? Who knows? I've asked my husband to leave for 6 months and not to contact me for the first two. I've been on eggshells for over a dozen years. When he walks in the room I stress out so bad, just his being near me. His unboundless negative energy has affected everyone in our family...but when he's gone, I can actually consider staying with him. Do I just love marriage, but not my husband? Hell if I know at this point. Just need to have some space so my body can come off of high alert and I can breathe again...no looking good for this 20 yr marriage.


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## that_girl

BigBadWolf said:


> How long should a man give a woman space?
> 
> Zero seconds. And even that is pushing it.
> 
> The "confused" woman is simply this, a woman waiting to see which man is going to fight harder for her.
> 
> If you want your woman back, be that man.
> 
> I wish you well.


:iagree:


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## Lyn

You two need a frank and respectful conversation. What is this all about, anyway? What does she mean by "complicated?" Why does your wife need space? You deserve answers and if she is unwilling to give them to you, being in a professional or a mediator 

Whatever the case, stringing you along is cruel. 

Best,

Lyn


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## Entropy3000

Janner said:


> some of you have read my threads - so how long is long enough to give your wife when she has moved into out into a 6 month rented house across town and... her facebook status changed from "married" to "complicated"... just trying to figure out how long to leave her alone and not bother her but not wait too long?
> 
> Janner


That would not work for me for a millisecond. I view that scenario as living in an open marriage. Moving out is not working on the marriage. Needing space is usually about continuing an affair or getting free to live single.


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## Entropy3000

BigBadWolf said:


> How long should a man give a woman space?
> 
> Zero seconds. And even that is pushing it.
> 
> The "confused" woman is simply this, a woman waiting to see which man is going to fight harder for her.
> 
> If you want your woman back, be that man.
> 
> I wish you well.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## LeahKoenig

It is not uncommon for spouses to take a little time apart in the midst of a marriage. The critical part however is to have this time apart mean something. There needs to be some sort of growth, reflection, healing etc happening and it needs be monitored to ensure the personal work is being done. On top of the individual work the spouses have weekly dates where they don't talk about "Hot" topics but instead just have dating conversations where they get to know each other again. They get to stay in touch with the changes and growth that their spouse in undergoing and remain curious. Simply spending time apart just helps us grow accustom to time apart. It becomes comfortable because there is no heat to direct us toward change.

Heat things up a little-- I wonder if your spouse would be up for some weekly dates? Make them easy and light to begin with such as going to a movie and then some dinner and talk about the movie. If not, ask if she would be willing to go to counseling. Sometimes a counselor's office can feel a little more safe to begin the first steps towards re-connection. 
~Leah~


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## RP49D22

cyrene said:


> How long? Who knows? I've asked my husband to leave for 6 months and not to contact me for the first two. I've been on eggshells for over a dozen years. When he walks in the room I stress out so bad, just his being near me. His unboundless negative energy has affected everyone in our family...but when he's gone, I can actually consider staying with him. Do I just love marriage, but not my husband? Hell if I know at this point. Just need to have some space so my body can come off of high alert and I can breathe again...no looking good for this 20 yr marriage.


Cyrene, 

I am a husband in a 22yr marriage, who has just come to the realization that I have been controlling. I have been negative and in part, as a result of my own insecurities and low self esteem. You see, I don't feel worthy of my wife for some strange reason, hence I hold her back in ways that are essentially controlling. I can imagine that my wife has that same sense of "egg shells" when I walk in the room or when I am around her. 

I now recognize this poor behavior on my part and have been working the last 3 weeks to change it, successfully I might add. I obviously have a long way to go, in order to change my habits...but people tell me this is a start and positive that I recognize the problem. I am going to counseling and also find that I have a general anxiety disorder, as a result of growing up in an alcoholic household.

Since you have been on the receiving end of "smothering", and my wife has asked for some space...do you have any advice? We both work from home, so we're around each other constantly. I haven't moved out and neither has she, but I did decide to go work from a friends in home office for awhile, so help create more space. 

How long is enough time for space, where we're coexisting in the house, friendly and such...but how long does this go on like this? What do I do, because it's killing me? It breaks my heart not to be able to kiss her, hung her, hold her. From your perspective, what would you want or how would you like your husband to back off and for how long?


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## RP49D22

LeahKoenig said:


> It is not uncommon for spouses to take a little time apart in the midst of a marriage. The critical part however is to have this time apart mean something. There needs to be some sort of growth, reflection, healing etc happening and it needs be monitored to ensure the personal work is being done. On top of the individual work the spouses have weekly dates where they don't talk about "Hot" topics but instead just have dating conversations where they get to know each other again. They get to stay in touch with the changes and growth that their spouse in undergoing and remain curious. Simply spending time apart just helps us grow accustom to time apart. It becomes comfortable because there is no heat to direct us toward change.
> 
> Heat things up a little-- I wonder if your spouse would be up for some weekly dates? Make them easy and light to begin with such as going to a movie and then some dinner and talk about the movie. If not, ask if she would be willing to go to counseling. Sometimes a counselor's office can feel a little more safe to begin the first steps towards re-connection.
> ~Leah~


Leah, 

At about the 2 week mark, I suggested a mid week date of sorts. Keep in mind we're still living in the same house. That said, we went out for dinner and unfortunately I asked her how she was feeling about things and it got heated. I was upset, but maintained most of my composure. Several days later I thought we'd try something we hadn't done before and keep things lite hearted, so I surprised her with tickets to the local comedy club. This did not go over well and she left the house for 2 days over the weekend. She said I just didn't get it and wasn't giving her space.

When if at all, do I make another attempt at a "date" where we can just have fun and avoid the hot topics? I am afraid to try again.


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## MrK

RP49D22 said:


> she left the house for 2 days over the weekend.


Do you know where she went?

Screw this "space" crap. Kick her out and move on with your life.


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## southern wife

*The OP was 2 years ago! *


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## MrK

southern wife said:


> *The OP was 2 years ago! *


DAMN!! They got me again.


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## southern wife

MrK said:


> DAMN!! They got me again.


:lol: :lol: :whip:


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## This is me

RP49D22 said:


> Leah,
> 
> 
> When if at all, do I make another attempt at a "date" where we can just have fun and avoid the hot topics? I am afraid to try again.



I think you need to back off completely. 180. If you still have her in the house you are ahead of the game with me. I had her here for 9 months to work on it and she eventually snapped and moved out. In hindsight I am not sure she wouldn't have snapped anyway, but if I knew she would walk, I would have been unnoticable to her while she was here.

Now it seems much harder to repair anything with her gone and if she ever comes back the strains of reengaging.


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## RP49D22

MrK said:


> Do you know where she went?
> 
> Screw this "space" crap. Kick her out and move on with your life.


She went to a female co-workers mother's house. I was able to verify this, because I found the written address and info. I do not believe she has met anyone.


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## RP49D22

This is me said:


> I think you need to back off completely. 180. If you still have her in the house you are ahead of the game with me. I had her here for 9 months to work on it and she eventually snapped and moved out. In hindsight I am not sure she wouldn't have snapped anyway, but if I knew she would walk, I would have been unnoticable to her while she was here.
> 
> Now it seems much harder to repair anything with her gone and if she ever comes back the strains of reengaging.


After reading some of the posts on the site, it does seem like I am ahead of the game. My life long buddy said the same thing, "back off completely"....but my heart is breaking.


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