# What to revel in counseling?



## tiki

I have posted here before about my unhappy marriage... lots and lots of issues.. And not even that sure I want to put the effort into it anymore... we are in counseling and while I sit there with my husband and the counselor, there is not a whole lot of dialog... I am not sure if we are not clicking as a group or the counselor is not right for us.. who knows..

A big part of my lack of participation is that there is an interested party that has not crossed any lines with me, but there is definitely some interest in his part and possibly mine... I long for the days of companionship, fun, having someone on the same page... I sit there and think, "the grass could be greener somewhere else, why am I trying to repair 15 years of crap?"

Is this something that should come up... nothing has happened, so I am not sure he should be mentioned... or is this something I tell the counselor on the side?

I almost think it may help if my husband knew that there is someone out there that is interested in me.... maybe he would put up some fight, put some work into making this work beyond just going through the motions...

I don't know... I just dread going to these sessions.. they are getting more and more awkward and not a whole lot is changing on the home front.

TIA...


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## TroubledChris

Hi Tiki. Got any children?


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## TroubledChris

If you do have children, and they arevery young, not 14 or 15 but maybe babies to 10 or 11 year old kids; then, I do believe it is worth trying as much as possible (unless you've already tried too much and the situation does not improve or gets worse everyday). It's my humble opinion.


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## bs193

If you want to get anything from the counseling, you both need to be open about EVERYTHING. What is mostly important about this other person is your feelings. How does that person make you feel in ways your husband doesn't? These are the things that need to be discussed. Keep in mind the grass usually LOOKS greener on the other side but not always is. The feelings you get with this other person is probably a fog. A feeling of euphoria we all feel in a new relationship where we are getting the attention we always wanted. 

Consider this.....you felt that same feeling, although you probably question it now, when you first began seeing your husband. Then the "honeymoon" ended, you returned to reality, and you stopped "working it" thinking if it was meant to be, it will be. News flash - nothing will just "be". You both need to work at it everyday. I am sure you both probably think you each tried but the other didn't when the truth is most likely that neither of you effectively tried. You lost the ability to communicate. There is a chance you may not have ever had it but in the "honeymoon" phase, who really cares, right? Another key to counseling and repairing the marriage is owning up to the fact that you both are equally responsible for its current state. It is easy to say things like "my husband doesn't show me attention anymore" but it isn't always easy to accept that you probably weren't able to communicate a need for that attention (bringing it up during an argument doesn't count). You equally contributed to the problems in your marriage. You both probably have problems communicating to one another. These problems are not just a product of the relationship. They are always going to exist until you both make the effort to change. If you leave your husband, you will still have these problems and they will result in further failures in relationships.

Look at it like buying a new car. You loved that car but no one ever showed you how to maintain it other than just putting gas in it and washing it. After a while, problems begin to occur. You need to make the decision to either learn how the car operates under the hood and learn how to maintain it, or just trade it in on a new one. Problem is, that new one will eventually break down too and leave you in the same situation. There are no "auto repair shops" for a marriage, although some think that is what counselors should be (bad assumption).

You both need to commit to making it work and be willing to put forth the effort. The counselor can't make you do this. You can not view them as the "auto repair center" for your marriage. A good counselor (not suggesting that is what you have) will help you two bridge the communication gap....not much more. Trust me, if you two can learn to effectively communicate, you have all the tools you need to begin repairing your marriage. You both need to first be committed to making it work, then be willing to do the work. Counseling will do nothing for either of you if you don't both contribute, be open, and be honest.

As for the other person, if you want to make your marriage work, even if that just means giving it a fair chance, you need to break all communication off with him....end it...you can't even be friends. But discuss it in counseling with him. Talk about the feelings you got from the relationship because it is vitally important.

You also should consider that as love grows, the "honeymoon" phase evolves. You will never feel that "first kiss" euphoria with your husband again. You can't get the "new car smell" to return. It won't and doesn't need to. Don't compare your feelings in your marriage against those feelings you have with this other person. Your husband will never be able to compete with that and you will just spend the rest of your life chasing rainbows, alone. The feelings you have for your husband are not extinguished although I know they may feel that way. They are just suppressed by years of resentment built up by your inability to effectively communicate with one another.

Lets be honest, once you two learn better communication skills and learn to effectively share your thoughts and feelings with one another, you two may find you want different things in life and still decide to go your separate ways. In the end, you will still have learned skills that you can take with you to help build the next relationship. So long as you are willing to identify your faults in the marriage and work on learning new ways to correct those faults (in the end you can only help yourself, not your husband), you will come out a winner, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

Good luck to you. Your situation sounds all too familiar. Sorry for the long post.


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## tiki

Thanks for responding..

Yes, we do have kids.. and that is part of the reason I want out.. I want them to see us both in loving and respectful relationships. I don't want them to continue witnessing our unhappiness. Another issue that has come up time and time again, is my husband's dependency on pot. I have begged, pleaded, threatened, and everything else to get him to stop. We are both professionals and I don't see why he keeps running to this. His friends are all losers and I don't want any part of them. NO ONE knows about this (except counselor) and I am soo alone when it comes this. I find it on him on a regular basis even though he swears up and down he is done. This violates my trust and has for years and years and years. He doesn't understand how this just pushes me away. I want out.. I want out so badly that I am willing to walk away from my home. I can't manage by myself and have no desire to get a second job. My first job takes up a ton of time and I want my free time spent on my children. I am not interested in jumping into another relationship with this other man. It is just refreshing to see that there is someone out there that is interested in me... wanting that honeymoon opportunity again is tempting and I know that it does fade, but my god, there has to be something more than what I have now. I am so miserable and know that the key to MY happiness lies within myself and getting out of this situation. There are things that I need and want and desire that my husband just can't give me anymore...
UGH..


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## bs193

If that is the case, why are you in counseling? Unless both of you want it to work, or at least want to give it an honest chance, I think it is pointless. Much of what I posted was based on the assumption you both wanted to make it work and that assumption was based on you both going to MC; however, what you are saying indicates you do not, and you noted some very valid reasons.


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## Married&Confused

there are plenty of good reasons to leave your husband... your happiness, happiness of the kids, pot smoking... another man isn't one of them.

unless you both want to work on it, in the next MC counseling, just come out and state that you feel counseling isn't working and you are now of the mind of ending the marriage.


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## sammy3

bs193 said:


> If you want to get anything from the counseling, you both need to be open about EVERYTHING. What is mostly important about this other person is your feelings. How does that person make you feel in ways your husband doesn't? These are the things that need to be discussed. Keep in mind the grass usually LOOKS greener on the other side but not always is. The feelings you get with this other person is probably a fog. A feeling of euphoria we all feel in a new relationship where we are getting the attention we always wanted.
> 
> Consider this.....you felt that same feeling, although you probably question it now, when you first began seeing your husband. Then the "honeymoon" ended, you returned to reality, and you stopped "working it" thinking if it was meant to be, it will be. News flash - nothing will just "be". You both need to work at it everyday. I am sure you both probably think you each tried but the other didn't when the truth is most likely that neither of you effectively tried. You lost the ability to communicate. There is a chance you may not have ever had it but in the "honeymoon" phase, who really cares, right? Another key to counseling and repairing the marriage is owning up to the fact that you both are equally responsible for its current state. It is easy to say things like "my husband doesn't show me attention anymore" but it isn't always easy to accept that you probably weren't able to communicate a need for that attention (bringing it up during an argument doesn't count). You equally contributed to the problems in your marriage. You both probably have problems communicating to one another. These problems are not just a product of the relationship. They are always going to exist until you both make the effort to change. If you leave your husband, you will still have these problems and they will result in further failures in relationships.
> 
> Look at it like buying a new car. You loved that car but no one ever showed you how to maintain it other than just putting gas in it and washing it. After a while, problems begin to occur. You need to make the decision to either learn how the car operates under the hood and learn how to maintain it, or just trade it in on a new one. Problem is, that new one will eventually break down too and leave you in the same situation. There are no "auto repair shops" for a marriage, although some think that is what counselors should be (bad assumption).
> 
> You both need to commit to making it work and be willing to put forth the effort. The counselor can't make you do this. You can not view them as the "auto repair center" for your marriage. A good counselor (not suggesting that is what you have) will help you two bridge the communication gap....not much more. Trust me, if you two can learn to effectively communicate, you have all the tools you need to begin repairing your marriage. You both need to first be committed to making it work, then be willing to do the work. Counseling will do nothing for either of you if you don't both contribute, be open, and be honest.
> 
> As for the other person, if you want to make your marriage work, even if that just means giving it a fair chance, you need to break all communication off with him....end it...you can't even be friends. But discuss it in counseling with him. Talk about the feelings you got from the relationship because it is vitally important.
> 
> You also should consider that as love grows, the "honeymoon" phase evolves. You will never feel that "first kiss" euphoria with your husband again. You can't get the "new car smell" to return. It won't and doesn't need to. Don't compare your feelings in your marriage against those feelings you have with this other person. Your husband will never be able to compete with that and you will just spend the rest of your life chasing rainbows, alone. The feelings you have for your husband are not extinguished although I know they may feel that way. They are just suppressed by years of resentment built up by your inability to effectively communicate with one another.
> 
> Lets be honest, once you two learn better communication skills and learn to effectively share your thoughts and feelings with one another, you two may find you want different things in life and still decide to go your separate ways. In the end, you will still have learned skills that you can take with you to help build the next relationship. So long as you are willing to identify your faults in the marriage and work on learning new ways to correct those faults (in the end you can only help yourself, not your husband), you will come out a winner, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.
> 
> Good luck to you. Your situation sounds all too familiar. Sorry for the long post.




Thank you too !!! 

~sammy


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