# How long does it take to accept an affair



## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

It 2 and a half weeks since i descover my H had an affair with my neice. It is ended now & we are working on our marriage, I have some very bad days when i just cant accept this, how long does this take to pass.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

This is just my opinion:

Accept an affair? It will never happen. 
Trust completely again? Ditto. 
Forgive? Maybe.
Forget? Don't count on it.
Seek counseling.
Good Luck.


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## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Gr8, i wish there was a delete button. We are in M/C it's going ok


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

It really depends on what you mean by "accept."

What you are doing right now is grieving, and the first stage of that is denial. You cannot accept that the spouse you thought you knew so well, the one person on earth in whose faith you trusted, not only broke that faith, but crumpled it, shredded it, ran it through a blender, mixed it with a pile of dog poo and dumped it on the compost heap. Emotional rejection of that knowledge is perfectly normal.

As you move through grief you will eventually come to accept that the affair happened and that nothing you can do now will change that basic fact. If you're like most people (and most people are, indeed, like most people), you will probably never accept the affair in the sense of being at peace with it. You will probably never be able to negate it, forget it, block it, or otherwise mitigate the overwhelming betrayal of it.

Some people are able to process it enough to move from acceptance to forgiveness (with a few steps in between) and go on with the marriage; some are not. Both are equally valid, equally understandable choices, and often depend on the exact circumstances surrounding the affair - which of course, are different for every affair and every marriage.

You will not really _know_ which you are until you get there. Marriage counseling will help, and once you get to that point, you _will_ know how it's going to be for you.

Nobody gets there in two weeks, though. You're going to be hurting and processing and healing for a long time - 2 years is the minimum estimate given by most of the literature I've read.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am months out, first and second instance approx 5 months out, tough pill to swallow, third, about a month and a half, yesterday was a really bad day, husband asked me what was wrong I told him, then started getting defensive, I was like dude, YOU asked me what was wrong, you asked me what I wanted from you...then you turn around and saying I am pressuring you to make a decision, I'll let you know when it could start getting better.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear Lost.com:
I didn't mean to be so harsh in my previous post. It's been almost two years since I discovered that my husband was unfaithful to me. At the time we were married for 26 years.
Hit me like a ton of bricks. Nightmares about them being together. Crying so much that my eyes swelled. Maybe it has taken me so long because I never really got angry enough. I hope that you are stronger than I was/am so your agony won't take over your life.
Very Hurt


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

lost.com said:


> It 2 and a half weeks since i descover my H had an affair with my neice. It is ended now & we are working on our marriage, I have some very bad days when i just cant accept this, how long does this take to pass.


You already accepted it, what you have to accept is HIM, if you are going to work on the marriage.

The affair is a thing, and a thing "IS". There is no real accepting about it. 

What you are asking is more of the "how do i deal with images" question. is that closer?

Do not pressure yourself into letting it "Pass" - That is an unreasonable expectation. Especially since you are dealing with the issue as you work on the "US" of marriage. 

Here is the truth: If you do nothing about your mental state, then nothing will change. If you sit there on the side of the road, you will wither and die, unless you get up and start walking. 

He is not going to be responsible for your happiness. You are not going to be responsible for his. That is a codependent relationship and a failure in the making. Do not expect it to work out that way. 

You are to work on your behavior, he is to work on his behavior. The two of you change together and begin to appreciate one another. The part you are working on as a union, is the encoding and decoding of messages, that would be your communication issues. 

The easy answer to you is Start changing you. If you dont know where to start, just ask.


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## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

I learned about my wifes affair almost a month ago now. I've "accepted" that it happened but I can't/won't stop thinking about it.

The number one thing I did after I found out was improve myself. I've lost 20 pounds, I have a ton of energy, and I feel freaking AMAZING. Just writing this is actually making me teary eyed....

It's sad to think that my wife having an affair is what motivates me to improve myself. I wasn't a lazy guy, just the typical husband, too busy with work, with bills, with more work and I stopped getting busy with my real life. I stopped focusing on me, my wife, and my kids as #1.

The best advice I could give you to "get over the affair" (which won't happen) is to find something about yourself that you want to improve and do it. Then sit back and watch your spouse take notice. My wife can't keep her hands off me now. I feel like I've finally got some power back and it feels really good.

Do it for yourself!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Since this is pretty much a double betrayel, it is gonna take longer---average recovery, if there is such a thing is 2 to 5 yrs---for many there is never true recovery---as long as they stay married to the cheater, the sub-conscious never lets you forget---

Your life is changed forever---what happens, and how it all gets handled---is up to you, and what you want/need for your future


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Don't accept it; won't accept it. I'm gone.


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## lost.com (Mar 29, 2011)

Thanks all. I am going to try be much more positive about ME and c how that works


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