# It Seems Okay



## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

I had posted about taking a vacation with my wife, to give us some time alone together away from our routine. The responses I got all agreed that it would be a good idea.

We just got back and we really had a great time. Although we were only away for three days, it felt like we really connected. We did sight seeing tours, shopping, eating out, and just being away from home was fun.

As suggested, we agreed to not talk about her affair while we were away. I thought about it a lot, but kept it to myself and tried to get rid of the bad thoughts. But one time I had to bring it up, because I thought I seen something on her phone. She let me look at her phone when I asked, she doesn't have a problem with the transparency. There was nothing bad to find, I was wrong, I guess I'm just constantly nervous about it. I have to learn to deal with that.

She feels closer to me now and more affectionate. The week before our vacation was a bad one, she seemed distant from me again and I was concerned. But then it got better again. Our sex life has been much better, even than it was months before the affair, I think that is a good sign.

After work days, her mood can be up or down. I am having a hard time dealing with this. But I hope it's just signs of her going through the process of loss, or dealing with what we're going through. I'm always concerned that something happened on the days she's more distant from me. When I bring up the affair to talk about it, she can get quite mad sometimes. Not sure what to think. We're just over one month from D-Day, so it's still very early.

Thanks for reading. Not sure what I'm looking to hear, maybe just assurance that this is going well, or to be shown some insight if something is going wrong.

Owyn


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Yes, it is still very early. I don't know the rest of your story, but it sounds like you have done what you needed to do to end the affair. 

Now, it is time to focus on you. Have you read "No More Nice Guy"? It is a good book I am reading right now. At this point, the more I work on myself, the less I worry about outcomes, and the better I feel. This has also help my W recover.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I hope things work out well for your recovery and the next phase of your relationship.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Owyn said:


> The week before our vacation was a bad one, she seemed distant from me again
> 
> After work days, her mood can be up or down.





Owyn said:


> When I bring up the affair to talk about it, she can get quite mad sometimes.


Her attitude sucks. No other way to say it.

She cheated, she can kiss your A$$.

You are not the one to be walking on eggshells around HER.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Owyn, don't walk on egg shells around your wife. 

She has to win _you_ back, not the other way around.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

To clarify my post and the one afterwards by Complexity.

Your wife doesn't have to do anything.

However the way things presently stand, with you being the one who is responding to her feeling, actions, moods, etc, reconciliation will never work.

Why?

Because you come across as weak. That's very unattractive to a woman who looks to a guy for strength and protection, not someone to wipe her feet on.

Because she's not really being held accountable for her cheating. She's able to act like business as usual with no consequences. Good mood, bad mood, angry, whatever, you'll just put up with it and hope she cheers up.

Because she won't have any respect for you and she'll gain comfort from knowing she can do whatever the heck she wants including cheating on you and you'll just sit there and hope she's "in a good mood" the next time you're together.

Read some posts on here written by guys who have been cheated on and who are deciding whether to divorce their cheating spouse despite her repeated begging and pleading and obvious remorse, and read threads written by women who have cheated on their husbands and who are highly remorseful and would do anything to get him to change his mind and take her back.

That's the ideal scenario, and even then reconciliation is still somewhat of a stretch.

Your situation isn't even close to that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Who is she to get mad when you bring up the affair?
Who is she to decide what to talk about and when? 
Who is she to go through an emotional roller-coaster when it's you who should be feeling this way?
Who is she to keep distance from you on the days her mood is down?

She's not clear about the attitude she should keep towards you.
Maybe you weren't good at making it clear for her.


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Thank you all for your input. As I suspected, there are some problems and I appreciate the insight. It is good to get other opinions and views. 

@thrway214: No, I haven't read it, I will have to get that book. We ordered "Not Just Friends" and will be reading that together soon. Which I think will help.

@MattMatt: Thanks.

@Complexity: You're right. But I don't simply leave her alone when she's in a bad mood, I confront her and talk about it. I'm not worried if she gets mad or if we argue. Sometimes she needs to be reminded, and I don't let things go. Hopefully that is the right thing to do.

@kindi: You're right too, as Complexity is. Thanks for elaborating. As I stated above, I don't simply let her get away with feeling/doing anything. I always address it and tell her how I feel. I think she does want to rug sweep, but I'm not going to let that happen, I'd rather walk away. If I'm not allowing her to act however she wants, does that still make me appear weak? What should I be doing when she's not in a good mood. Lately, she's been much more affectionate/caring toward me.

@lovelygirl: Yes, I know. I am looking forward to the book we have ordered. I think it will put some light on the situation.


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