# Worth to keep a relationship with son?



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Greetings,
My wife filed for divorce recently and I found text she was being unfaithful at least emotionally (asking a guy out for drinks and rent a cabin; sexual text he is asking about why she likes to be whipped, spanked, she leads a secret life, etc). She is living with our adopted son and her sister. It's getting messy between us and my son and I have had problems in the past with his behaviors (stealing, drugs, vapes, feigning suicide, etc.). He threatened in a journal to kill me and two other kids at school. Long story short, we (son and I) we're working on better communication about things starting with school and a car for him. He even wished me a recent happy birthday before she left. Something happened today where he threatened to damage the house they're living in, threatened to slash her tires then said he was joking but she is not his mom and just calls her first name. He has always had sociopathic behaviors. I would like to wish him a happy birthday and offer the little money I can for college. I want this because I made a vow to be his father when I adopted him. She just keeps throwing up I said I wanted to Abandon him, cut him off, and why isn't he in my will (I don't have a will and if I did it's none of her business what I put for him in it). None of that is true. I said the $300 month payments stop when he is 18 and I want him to try to repair the relationship and I feel we kind of were before she left. Now there is no telling what the hell she has been saying about me to him. Idk, should I just leave him alone and let him come to me when he is ready or try? I think I need to talk to my attorney about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your son?

I'm sure this is very difficult. Is your son in counseling? Does anyone besides your family know that he's been threatening to do serious damage and even murder?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"likes to be whipped and spanked"

well....there you go!
has she ever asked you to be her Dominant partner, and whip her, and you refused.

or did she just secretly go out, get whipped, and never revealed this kinky side of her?

Would you be willing to be her Dom and do those sort of things to her?

if she needs this sort of kinky sex, and you refused to provide it, and she went looking for it anyway....then you probably need to either divorce her, or let her be "Married, but owned by another".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> "likes to be whipped and spanked"
> 
> well....there you go!
> has she ever asked you to be her Dominant partner, and whip her, and you refused.
> ...


This thread is about his relationship with his very troubled son, not his marriage.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sounds like he really needs you… I say keep him as your son my brother. Just love him, help him when you can and show him what being a man is all about. All of us need help at some point and those young, immature brains need as much guidance as possible.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> This thread is about his relationship with his very troubled son, not his marriage.


Thank you yes totally inappropriate. Just because she chose to going looking, doesn't means it's my fault. She chose to talk filthy and ask out another married man via text. I am just upset about my son. She gave me the password to her phone account because my attorney and I were demanding it because she locked me out of the account. She is being so two faced. I have snapshot text where her sister and her are calling me a sack of ****, a dumb ass, ****ing idiot, etc. They said he never wanted a relationship with me just my money and just for the car. He still has my last name. She took him out to breakfast this morning and she told her sister he wants to keep the last name so he can come after anything my parents and I have. Also, they are both contemplating on taking me to court instead of mediating and threatening to sue me. I am going to talk to my attorney tomorrow about having his name changed, and a will to cut him out. I know it sounds cruel but they are being very vindictive and vile. My son threatened to kill me and two kids in a journal but my wife did something with it. He was hospitalized for it. It's all messed up but I am just trying to make it. All I wanted to do was wish him a happy birthday an $100 to college. 
It feels like no matter what I say or do, they say evil things, scheme, or try to turn up the notch on DV against me against my wife. I am cutting off all contact for legal and financial reasons.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Whether he has your last name or not has no impact on his legal rights to inherit. If you legally adopted him, then he has the same rights to inheritance as a nature born son. That's his legal right. I don't know if there is any way to un-adopt someone. (I have an adopted son.) As you have suggested, you can cut him out of inheritance using a will. If you don't have a will, if you have no other heirs, he gets 100% if/when you pass away. On the topic of him inheriting from your parents, you will need to check the laws in your state. If your parents have a will, they can write him out to make sure that's very clear.

Is your wife rich? Can she afford to sue you? It's going to cost her a lot of money. What would she sue you for?

What would you son sue you for?

How do you know what was said when your wife and son went out to breakfast? Who told you all this?

Now, about you continuing your relationship with him. It would be wonderful for him if you could. As CatholicDad says, it sounds like he needs a lot of help. But if he's threatening you and has such a hateful attitude towards you, it is probably very iffy for you to be anywhere near him.

One thing you might want to consider is to have your lawyer insist that a custody evaluation be conducted. You could explain the situation with the custody evaluator and ask them to tell the court that your son needs some very heavy intervention and counseling/therapy. You could insist that some of this is with both him and you together to work on your relationship with him. You would do well to discuss whether or not you continue a relationship with your adopted son. You have good reason to be afraid of this kid. A counselor who also knows your son could help you evaluate this.

When it comes to your son going to college... How's his school performance now? He might do better in some kind of trade school. If he lives with his mother and her income is low, he could qualify for grants and scholarships that would cover all expenses. I've helped kids get this, so I know it's out there. Do you and your wife have college degrees?

How old was your son when adopted him?


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Whether he has your last name or not has no impact on his legal rights to inherit. If you legally adopted him, then he has the same rights to inheritance as a nature born son. That's his legal right. I don't know if there is any way to un-adopt someone. (I have an adopted son.) As you have suggested, you can cut him out of inheritance using a will. If you don't have a will, if you have no other heirs, he gets 100% if/when you pass away. On the topic of him inheriting from your parents, you will need to check the laws in your state. If your parents have a will, they can write him out to make sure that's very clear.
> 
> 
> Is your wife rich? Can she afford to sue you? It's going to cost her a lot of money. What would she sue you for?
> ...


I am talking to my attorney about it. They're (she and family) are in a vindictive stage and wanting my head on a platter. I want this to remain civil. My counter claim will be served on her soon and there are interrogatories for her to answer under oath which include did she contribute to the break up if the marriage (I have found sexual text to another married man and text before she left me asking him to go out and drink and rent a cabin). I think when she gets smacked by these 60 questions she will shut up and cooperate because it ask for wills (her father's estate would be in jeopardy) and other credit cards I don't know about (I believe she has more). These text mention her joking about being on a dating site. My oath questions ask her about that. They're just talking out their ass about suing me. There is no grounds and good luck. I want this to be peaceful but she is ordering crap and sending it to the house, cussing at me through text for changing the locks, demanding tons of things in the house, wanting to sell the house now and "spilt" before mediation. She's a real piece of work now.
My son's was 8 when I adopted him. He will be 18 next month. It's sad and I just wanted to be a family but fake threats if suicide, threatening to kill me and other kids at school and now he is at it again with threats to terrozie my wife and her sister. I just say let them deal with it and I am moving on. I didn't cheat, I attempted reconciliation through therapy, and I want to go to law school. She has a degree too and makes about 18,000 more a year than me. I don't care though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

teutonic_metal said:


> I am talking to my attorney about it. They're (she and family) are in a vindictive stage and wanting my head on a platter. I want this to remain civil. My counter claim will be served on her soon and there are interrogatories for her to answer under oath which include did she contribute to the break up if the marriage (I have found sexual text to another married man and text before she left me asking him to go out and drink and rent a cabin). I think when she gets smacked by these 60 questions she will shut up and cooperate because it ask for wills (her father's estate would be in jeopardy) and other credit cards I don't know about (I believe she has more). These text mention her joking about being on a dating site. My oath questions ask her about that.


This is one of the strangest things I’ve every heard of in a divorce. Aren’t you doing a no-fault divorce? Her attorney will most likely refuse to allow her to respond to those questions. I doubt that the court would allow it either. To me it sounds like your attorney is drumming up ways to create a lot of billing hours for you to pay for.



teutonic_metal said:


> I think when she gets smacked by these 60 questions she will shut up and cooperate because *it ask for wills* (*her father's estate would be in jeopardy*)


What does your divorce have to do with her father’s estate? How could that possibly put it in jeopardy?



teutonic_metal said:


> They're just talking out their ass about suing me. There is no grounds and good luck. I want this to be peaceful but she is ordering crap and sending it to the house, cussing at me through text for changing the locks, demanding tons of things in the house, wanting to sell the house now and "spilt" before mediation. She's a real piece of work now.


Why don’t you block her number so she can’t send you texts? You should probably have zero contact with her going forward since she’s being so hostile. Just send her a notice that all contact will be through your attorneys going forward.

Is she now getting her mail at a different address? Does she recognize the new address as her new home? What does our attorney say out you locking her out of the marital home that you both own?



teutonic_metal said:


> My son's was 8 when I adopted him. He will be 18 next month. It's sad and I just wanted to be a family but fake threats if suicide, threatening to kill me and other kids at school and now he is at it again with threats to terrozie my wife and her sister. I just say let them deal with it and I am moving on.


It’s sad, but often when older kids are adopted, they come with some horrible situations and are very messed up. This poor kid probably never had a chance in life. Do you know what abuse and horrible situation he came from?



teutonic_metal said:


> I didn't cheat, I attempted reconciliation through therapy, and I want to go to law school. She has a degree too and makes about 18,000 more a year than me. I don't care though.


My advice is for you to get on with your life. Block all contact from her and have her communicate only through attorneys. Then go live your life, go to law school, etc. Let your attorney deal with her.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> This is one of the strangest things I’ve every heard of in a divorce. Aren’t you doing a no-fault divorce? Her attorney will most likely refuse to allow her to respond to those questions. I doubt that the court would allow it either. To me it sounds like your attorney is drumming up ways to create a lot of billing hours for you to pay for.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


We don't want a war or a trial. We want to meditate. She has made accusations of DV against me even though I have journals, emails, old cell text of her denying such things and apologizing to me for pushing me, screaming, etc. The reason we our using this interrogatories is because she is flirting with the idea of pushing for at fault against me DV. It's getting very dramatic and she has no records of this issue. She likes to run her mouth about how she knew she shouldn't have married me and only did because we lived together (really it took her 10 years to figure that out?). I hate it about our son. I don't want to go into details but he does have issues that no one except me and her deceased father ever tried to address. He gets in trouble a lot and lies, blames others etc. The only people who would call him out were both decreased father and I.
I feel she is going to go through with the at fault against me because I know how she is when she is mad. Very revengeful. That's okay. I have my text proof of her asking s married man out for drinks, rent a cabin, dance at her next wedding, likes spanking, whips, etc. She is full of it and her original petition calls for no disparaging of the other parent in front of child but she is talking to her sister in text about preparing our son to testify against me. I trust my attorney and her attorney knows she is locked out. She was coming over there taking stuff out of the home, allowing her sister to come on our property (I've been told to stay away from her property), the DV allegations, etc. I should add that she is making allegations that I have threatened to kill people now. That's a new one on me. One of the maxed out credit cards she took out without my knowledge or permission shows her address as where she moved to yet she keeps sending stuff to our house. It is getting creepy dramatic. I am in the process of moving on. I wanted reconciliation until I found those text a little over a week ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her current actions and treats against you are enough for you to never have contact with her again. Those texts are minimal in comparison but icing on the cake.

I feel for you, divorce is hard enough without all this drama. That's why I'm suggesting again that you have your attorney contact her and tell her that she is never to contact you again, but instead she has to go through him to communicate with you. She will use everything you do (and even that which you don't do) against you.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Her current actions and treats against you are enough for you to never have contact with her again. Those texts are minimal in comparison but icing on the cake.
> 
> I feel for you, divorce is hard enough without all this drama. That's why I'm suggesting again that you have your attorney contact her and tell her that she is never to contact you again, but instead she has to go through him to communicate with you. She will use everything you do (and even that which you don't do) against you.


I appreciate you listening. Yes its very toxic. I am in therapy, gym, and trying to stay busy. I decided to cut off all contact even about bills until attorneys figure something out. Such is life. You live with someone 10 years married 9.5 and then you never knew them. Thank you for your support! I am going to live my life and go and finish law school. I will fight for people in situations like me, child abuse, wrongfully imprisoned, etc. I deserve and will find someone who will truly love and desire me and I will Love and desire her. Thanks!


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

teutonic_metal said:


> Greetings,
> My wife filed for divorce recently and I found text she was being unfaithful at least emotionally (asking a guy out for drinks and rent a cabin; sexual text he is asking about why she likes to be whipped, spanked, she leads a secret life, etc). She is living with our adopted son and her sister. It's getting messy between us and my son and I have had problems in the past with his behaviors (stealing, drugs, vapes, feigning suicide, etc.). He threatened in a journal to kill me and two other kids at school. Long story short, we (son and I) we're working on better communication about things starting with school and a car for him. He even wished me a recent happy birthday before she left. Something happened today where he threatened to damage the house they're living in, threatened to slash her tires then said he was joking but she is not his mom and just calls her first name. He has always had sociopathic behaviors. I would like to wish him a happy birthday and offer the little money I can for college. I want this because I made a vow to be his father when I adopted him. She just keeps throwing up I said I wanted to Abandon him, cut him off, and why isn't he in my will (I don't have a will and if I did it's none of her business what I put for him in it). None of that is true. I said the $300 month payments stop when he is 18 and I want him to try to repair the relationship and I feel we kind of were before she left. Now there is no telling what the hell she has been saying about me to him. Idk, should I just leave him alone and let him come to me when he is ready or try? I think I need to talk to my attorney about it.


Walk Way, you will never have influence ti develop him to a man. Accept it, weekend visitation sucks, walk away. Forget him, get genetic testing to see if he is yours. Read the tactical guide to women


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Once your son turns 18, you aren’t forced to leave him anything. My thoughts are this:

your son doesn’t even call her mother. Does he call you dad or father—/ when he’s not wanting something?

You have provided for him all these years and he’s threatening to kill you?

Here’s what I would do:
I would drop worrying about baseless accusations and deal with her only through a lawyer. I would fulfill my duties to my adopted son until he’s 18, and then I would stop.
You signed up to be a dad. Not to be used for the rest of your life after giving him a hone until he is an adult.

Don’t let anyone guilt you into being used.
If he acts as a son, treat him as a son. Allowing someone to treat you like poo and expect the fruits of your labor is illogical.

Last of all, if the kid is as you describe, and has threatened to kill you in writing, I would coldly and irrevocably disown him and never look back. That’s just my opinion, and if my biological kids ever act like yours, as much as I love them I’ll treat them the same way as I suggest you do yours.

Don’t be used and abused sir. People treat you as you allow them to.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I realize money is always tight but I'm thinking if you gave him money right now he might just waste it. Maybe instead you tell him you're putting so much into a college fund for when he enrolls in college. 

But also it certainly sounds like this family could use family counseling. I think it would be good if the son and anyone he is living with and you all did some family counseling sessions together with a psychologist. Unless some of you have insurance that will pay for it, it is expensive. But the son seems like he needs mental help. It might help to get you and the ex on the same page.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I totally agree that giving him cash would be the worst possible thing you could do for him.
Does he have a job of any kind? Is he making any attempt at developing a plan for the future as far as job skills? If not, money given now is money totally wasted. And if you send him to school and he flunks out, that’s good money bring thrown to the garbage. And you’ve taught him to use people further.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

No kid should get a $300 a month payment regardless. Tell him to get a job.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

teutonic_metal said:


> my son and I have had problems in the past with *his behaviors (stealing, drugs, vapes, feigning suicide, etc.). He threatened in a journal to kill me and two other kids at school.* Long story short, we (son and I) we're working on better communication about things starting with school and a car for him.
> 
> He even wished me a recent happy birthday before she left. Something happened today where *he threatened to damage the house they're living in, threatened to slash her tires* then said he was joking but she is not his mom and just calls her first name. He has always had sociopathic behaviors.


Your son sounds like a nightmare. Tell the little sociopath to get a job if he wants a car. Don't let him and/or his "not my real mom" mother manipulate you. He's not been a good kid and doesn't deserve to be handed a car because he took time out of his be an ass schedule to toss you a Happy Birthday in hopes it will net him a free ride.

You can't buy a sociopaths love. You may be able to get his respect, but you'd have to have a very shiny spine and be impervious to manipulation and conditioning.


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