# Dating another divorcee who is struggling with moving forward, anyone



## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

Has anyone else dated someone who is divorced and struggling with moving forward in your new relationship?
I have been seeing a guy for the past 2 months and we both are recent divorcees. He has struggled a bit with movingforward once in the beginning where we wasnt sure if he was ready and then he got over it and felt better. He didn't call me for 2 weeks and then came back to me when he felt better.Things have been really good since, we really clicked and really have something there. Last night he had situation with his stepkid which really hurt him (the kids think that he is the one at fault and just walked out when that isnt the truth) and brought up hurt feelings and brought him to the realization that he still is not ready to give me 100% of himself because he is still wounded and he needs to feel better and work on himself. His feelings have nothing to do with his ex who had cheated on him for years but the feelings of insecurity with being hurt again and being to give me He said he cannot see me right now and that he just needs his space to get better. I am so sad and frustrated. I feel like he will come around but am just wondering if anyone has dealt with this before. I am just crushed and am there to wait patiently for him, but will he feel better?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When a man says that he cannot see you at this time.. always believe him. Let him go. And let him know that when he feels better, if he's interested he can look you up.

Of course you may or may not be available at that time.


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

That is really how it was left. He knows that when he is ready that I am ready to hear from him and he knows that there is the chance that I might not be available. He asked if he could check in with me sometimes to see how I am which I do welcome. The thing that I struggle with is that we really have a great connection. He is amazing and I do not want to let this one go. I dont want to give up on this one. I am not forcing him to see me or going to attempt to ruin any chances by pushing him but I guess I am just trying to really understand this. He feels the same good feelings about me but is afraid of being hurt and being able to give me everything.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do not wait for him--get out there and enjoy life. You don't have to start dating someone else, but you sure as heck can't be waiting for the phone to ring. You don't know if he'll ever come back, or if it will work for a period longer than 2 months, next time around (if there is a next time). He may not want to date you after he works on himself, if you appealed to the "still wounded" him. There are so many reasons NOT to wait. Move on. And hey, if he does come back around, think long and hard about taking him back. 

As for stuff to do: join meetup groups. Best way to get as often as you want and do a lot of stuff, most of it free. I've had a blast. Went contra dancing (like folk dancing) tonight. Have done hikes and dinners and board games and a few other things. Start your own meetup if you want. Just get on with your life and be happy. Good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hipcat77 said:


> That is really how it was left. He knows that when he is ready that I am ready to hear from him and he knows that there is the chance that I might not be available. He asked if he could check in with me sometimes to see how I am which I do welcome. The thing that I struggle with is that we really have a great connection. He is amazing and I do not want to let this one go. I dont want to give up on this one. I am not forcing him to see me or going to attempt to ruin any chances by pushing him but I guess I am just trying to really understand this. He feels the same good feelings about me but is afraid of being hurt and being able to give me everything.


When men date they are often very into the person at first if they like her a lot. Then all the sudden at about 2-3 months out they back off. At that point they are assessing the situtation. The worst thing a woman can do when a guy pulls away is to pursue them... it will cause the guy to run.

If he comes back after having time to assess the relationship you can be sure that he is yours. If he does not, he never was yours.

Just trust.


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thank you guys. I am definitely not choosing to sit tight and wait for him by the phone but I am here for him when he is ready. I feel like he is the guy that I should have been with all along and that is what is so hard. He is the guy that I should have married rather then my ex-husband. There are so many things that we have in common and enjoy. I know it is so cliche that if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. It just doesnt make it any easier..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hipcat77 said:


> Thank you guys. I am definitely not choosing to sit tight and wait for him by the phone but I am here for him when he is ready. I feel like he is the guy that I should have been with all along and that is what is so hard. He is the guy that I should have married rather then my ex-husband. There are so many things that we have in common and enjoy. I know it is so cliche that if it is meant to be, it is meant to be. It just doesnt make it any easier..


You have only known him for two months. That is, quite honestly, not long enough to do a person and to know if this is the man who should have with. 

It takes at least one year to get to know a person. Life is a series of years, one after another. If we go with a person through all of a year, all of the holidays, family events, etc then we get to see who they are. Then spend in the second year in an engagement. Marry only after that. 

The fact that you are so sure of this guy so quickly is not a good sign.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok so here are the bolded parts that tell the story:



hipcat77 said:


> I have been seeing a guy for the past 2 months and we both are recent divorcees. *He has struggled a bit with movingforward once in the beginning where we wasnt sure if he was ready *
> 
> brought up hurt feelings and *brought him to the realization that he still is not ready to give me 100% of himself because he is still wounded and he needs to feel better and work on himself*.
> 
> *He said he cannot see me right now and that he just needs his space to get better.* I am so sad and frustrated. *I feel like he will come around *but am just wondering if anyone has dealt with this before. I am just crushed and am there to wait patiently for him, but will he feel better?


And then below, denial:



hipcat77 said:


> The thing that I struggle with is that we really have a great connection. He is amazing and *I do not want to let this one go. I dont want to give up on this one*. I am not forcing him to see me or going to attempt to ruin any chances by pushing him but I guess *I am just trying to really understand this*.


Hip, you may not want to "let this one go" or "give up on him" but the fact is, he has told you VERY clearly he isn't isn't pursuing anything. Whether you agree with him or not (and you don't) does not matter because this is his decision. 

I actually commend the guy for being so honest. You guys may have a connection but right now he doesn't feel you're on the same page. Sounds like he is still very hurt and grieving his marriage and knows he can't give someone 100%. Which is why he's told you he needs to be alone. 

Respect his decision and do not pursue him cause all you will do is hurt yourself if you keep trying to cling onto him. I know you want to "understand" why this is his decision, but remember, these are his feelings. It's like when people break up--generallly one person wants to hold on, and dthe other is done. It doesn't matter WHY the other person wants out--it's the fact that they are not on the same page.

I get that you are hurt but understand the sooner you accept his decision and do not cling, the better for you. Carry on and go about your life.


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

Thanks for your responses guys.He is a very commendable guy, that is one of grat qualities. I guess I might have worded this the wrong way. I am most definitely respecting what he has said and in no way am forcing the issue. When I say I am not giving up on him, I just mean if anything in my mind. I am not writing him off as out of my life forever and not going to shut him out when he reaches out to me. 
As for the comment about how he is someone that I should have married. I am not saying that I want to marry him, I am just saying that he is the person (or type of person) that I should have married rather than my ex. I am not unrealistic, I know it has only been a few months so there is more to learn about it other. I know that I all I can do is wait and hope that he comes around. I guess I was just trying to understand how men think about this struggle of moving forward. He has been out of his relationship almost a year and me only about 5 months and I am not struggling with this all.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Your BF could be me. I said almost exactly the same thing to my Ex GF.

It is well intentioned but ultimately selfish.

Here is my reasoning.

I have a lot of hurt that I am carrying around. Simultaneously i have growing feelings for GF. This is incredibly confusing. 
I ask for space to sort out my head. See if the feelings that are there are not fake. It is sort of a harm minimisation exercise. 

A few weeks go by and I still have her in my head as someone who cares about me. She on the other hand is in agony because she has no idea what it going on. This is very very unfair but easy to rationalize. 
I apologised to her. I still need the space though. Sometimes space is just that. Space. Not setting something else up or cheating. 

I failed her. I failed myself.


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

ING, why do you feel like you failed anyone? I feel like it is just you and him being honest with your GF and me. I told him not to apologize for this but just to continue to work on himself so that he can feel better about this. I guess the question to you, is what are you doing to help get over the hurt you feel? He is in counseling and looking to increase the times he goes and has a great support system of friends/family.
Do you feel like you will come around and be able to pursue something with your GF?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You have only known him for two months. That is, quite honestly, not long enough to do a person and to know if this is the man who should have with.
> 
> It takes at least one year to get to know a person. Life is a series of years, one after another. If we go with a person through all of a year, all of the holidays, family events, etc then we get to see who they are. Then spend in the second year in an engagement. Marry only after that.
> 
> The fact that you are so sure of this guy so quickly is not a good sign.


I totally agree. Two months of dating is hardly knowing someone at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

hipcat77 said:


> ING, why do you feel like you failed anyone? I feel like it is just you and him being honest with your GF and me. I told him not to apologize for this but just to continue to work on himself so that he can feel better about this. I guess the question to you, is what are you doing to help get over the hurt you feel? He is in counseling and looking to increase the times he goes and has a great support system of friends/family.
> Do you feel like you will come around and be able to pursue something with your GF?


The main reason that I felt that this was essential is that for us to have any chance at all then I could not remain in the same space. You can't ask another person to hang about "just in case" just because really I have no idea where my emotions are at. The problem is that it effects YOU. Two months is short and is a good time to do it. 

I wouldn't bank on him coming back. I would love to keep her hanging until I am fixed. By then she would hate me!


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