# Did she overreact?



## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

My opinion is that she did....but sh!t has blown up because I tried to hold my ground....

Bear with me while I explain the events leading up the my issue….
Recently in our small town, there have been some break-ins and attempted break-ins into homes. We are in a well to do neighborhood and a few weeks ago, a house two blocks away had an attempted break-in. The owners were in bed and heard it, and was waiting on the other side with guns in hand if the bad guys actually got inside. This made my wife very curious as to what we would do if in that same situation because we do not have any guns in the house. I told her that if we heard it then I would call the police, but as soon as they opened the door, the security system would go off and they would run anyway. This did not suffice with her. So we looked at handguns, got some advice from a few friends on what to start out with, and then we noticed that it wasn’t cheap. So I got curious and modeled a loan from my 401k anywhere from $1500-$5500. I read up on all the details and requested the information to be sent to me regular mail. I didn’t tell my wife that I was thinking about taking out a loan, and instead was waiting on the paperwork detailing the loan interest rate, payment amount, frequency, etc. What happened was that they sent the details, and also in a separate envelope sent a check stating that by cashing the check I accept the terms set forth. 

So, I am at work and get a text message from my wife asking me if there is a reason why I have a check for $xxxx. I responded with yes there is a reason and your opening my mail now why? I text her why I was thinking about taking it out and that I do not know the details as I requested them be sent in the mail. She states that she should be able to open my mail no matter what, and that she opened it because she knew it was a check. Eventually she sends a message saying she will get out of my kingdom, that she doesn’t have a say in this because it is my money… And then I flipped. Never have I ever remotely solely made any financial decisions whatsoever, and later on in the evening hours, she agreed. I took huge offense to her words.

Once I got home from work, I started talking to her about it but the more smartassy (real word?) she was being, the more pissed I became. I told her that I requested the details and didn’t realize they would send a check. I repeatedly told her that it did not mean the money was ours yet, that I had the info sent so that we could discuss the details and decide whether or not to do it. I pointed out the details and dates and everything. She made our kids cry because she was yelling at me. By the time I had enough, which was around 11pm last night, I had it whittled down to three things: 1)she was mad because I asked her why she was opening my mail (says several bills are in my name and she opens those everyday) and 2) I didn’t tell her I was thinking about taking the loan out therefore excluding her from the decision (that hasn’t been made) and the fact that I had the info sent to the house backs that up…. 3) she doesn’t believe me when I say I didn’t know there was an actual check coming and that I had to of signed something to get it sent…… again, I am ridiculously offended by this, and no matter what I did, offered to show her my email, log in to my 401k account, read the details outlined with the dates I made the request… I don’t know what I should do here. I tried holding my ground last night and she went into a screaming cursing crying fit. Was I wrong to not include her on this originally? I planned on discussing the details with her once I had them in hand, however I think that if she had not opened the check, and let me discover this and then speak to her about it, things would have been different, maybe not though. Or do you think she is overreacting? (I do.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you only asked for information but they sent a check, then you did nothing wrong. I think you just need to tell her that you are offended that she thinks you are lying. And then leave it at that.

I am very surprised that they would send you a check without you asking for a check. In the future, can you set it up for direct deposit. There is no way I'd want a large check coming in the mail. I have used my 401K for loans. It's especially good because the interest I pay on the loan goes into by 401K when I pay it back. But I have it set up for direct deposit.

On the topic of opening your mail. If she has opened bills in your name all along and you did not complain then what's the big deal that she opened this mail? That does make it look like you did not want her to see the check.

IMO, there is something much bigger going on to make her go off the handle like that.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It sounds like your wife is feeling a bit insecure and vulnerable with all the break-ins and such. Getting defensive about the details of who opened what letter and who should be offended is not going to help you here because it's just adding to her insecurity.

You are supposed to be the logical one in this situation and calmly explain that you were investigating something, didn't expect it to happen as it did, and you'd like to talk about it when you get home. No need to add to the emotionality of the situation and get defensive, as you will just escalate things.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> a loan from my 401k anywhere from $1500-$5500.
> 
> [...]
> 
> if there is a reason why I have a check for $xxxx.


How did they how much to make the check out for? Did you tell them or did they guess? If you told them, then you did make a decision.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Yep

She definitely went Bat Sh!t Crazy for no apparent reason

Has she ever done this before?


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

I modeled several amounts and requested it be sent by mail as I couldnt save that information in any way. I found an amount and a time frame that could be paid back with one hour of overtime each week, and I didnt think I asked for a check. I have went back over my steps in my account to see where I could have mistakenly asked for the loan instead of the details of the loan. This is the only other way I can think of, I submitted a question to the company but have not gotten a response yet. In any event, it plainly states that I must sign the check to accept the terms. If I do not sign and deposit the check, then I have no loan. I didnt think it was that big of a deal anyway, until she blew up and I found myself trying to explain something I didnt fully understand either.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Yep
> 
> She definitely went Bat Sh!t Crazy for no apparent reason
> 
> Has she ever done this before?


sadly, yes she has, I am a recovering nice guy and she is used to controlling the relationship, but over the past 4 months, things have shifted and she tends to make some molehills into mountains.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's a control freak who feels the Vagina Goddess has granted her complete authority over your business and that while she can dispense criticism, she is exempt from receiving any. I personally wouldn't have a problem with my wife opening my mail, especially business mail. I wouldn't especially feel inclined to ask "mother, may I?" before making all financial transactions. Of course, if that is your stance, the other side of the coin is she shouldn't feel obligated to report all financial transactions to you, either. You can buy a very acceptable home defense weapon for far less than $1500. A burglar won't mind being shot with a second-hand firearm. $400 ought to get you a quality handgun big enough to make large, leaky holes in any possible threat.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> She's a control freak who feels the Vagina Goddess has granted her complete authority over your business and that while she can dispense criticism, she is exempt from receiving any. I personally wouldn't have a problem with my wife opening my mail, especially business mail. I wouldn't especially feel inclined to ask "mother, may I?" before making all financial transactions. Of course, if that is your stance, the other side of the coin is she shouldn't feel obligated to report all financial transactions to you, either. You can buy a very acceptable home defense weapon for far less than $1500. A burglar won't mind being shot with a second-hand firearm. $400 ought to get you a quality handgun big enough to make large, leaky holes in any possible threat.


Lol, well put. She wants one to carry with her (concealed) for protection, we planned on getting her a 22 and myself a 9mm. We looked at a total costs of the handguns plus bullets for both practice and to have on hand, and also the concealed carry class for us both. the $1500 would cover it all. Not a big deal, but something to put her at ease nonetheless, I was just trying to help.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I'm feeling like a real tightwad reading this thread.

I have to admit, if my wife initiated a process that resulted in a possible $5000 loan against our 401k without including me, I would be livid.

If she tried to hide behind "you shouldn't have opened my mail", I'd have a hard time trusting anything she said after that.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

And that aside, I'm not sure arming this woman who lashes out so angrily is the best move, lol.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Acorn said:


> And that aside, I'm not sure arming this woman who lashes out so angrily is the best move, lol.


Your not the first to suggest this either! 

Few things that led me to the idea, 1)we are on a budget and some deviation is okay, but not this much and she really seemed want to do it now 2)recent events in the media and the future of guns in this country 3) the loan would be small enough not to matter as far as repayment


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know the question wasn't about the loan, but it is not a good financial move to take a 401K loan for something like this.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> Lol, well put. She wants one to carry with her (concealed) for protection, we planned on getting her a 22 and myself a 9mm. We looked at a total costs of the handguns plus bullets for both practice and to have on hand, and also the concealed carry class for us both. the $1500 would cover it all. Not a big deal, but something to put her at ease nonetheless, I was just trying to help.


Aside from the other issues here, NO, a .22 is not a proper self defense caliber. It WILL work, I won't go into debates about that, but it is a POOR choice to stop an aggresor.

Go to a gun range. Get a one on one session with an instructor. You can rent guns to try out. Most people will not find the recoil of a 9mm objectionable in the least. And that, IMO, is the starting point when you're looking at a self defense sidearm. A .22 is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but not by much. 

My W never shot a firearm before she met me. I took her out to do so on our 3rd date. Started her off small, with the .22. She had fun with it, and did well. Very well. I offered to let her shoot a round or two with the .40 cal. (moderate recoil) to see how she responded. She loved it, and has not anywhere near as much "fun" shooting the .22's now. She does not know what a "flinch" is, and will put out groups with that .40 that put most shooters to shame.

A couple of months, and a few thousand rounds down range, and I can tell you with a certainty my W is not someone you want to face with a firearm in her hand. She will completely screw up the day of someone who presents a danger to her or her loved ones, and after a few years of training can outshoot most people effortlessly. She was a "natural" because she was not taught bad habbits from the start.

Get her (and yourself) shooting with someone who knows what the hell they're doing, and who can teach you. If you don't hear the following phrases during training..."front sight focus", "squeeze" or "press" the trigger, and "push-pull" regarding the gripping of the sidearm, then look elsewhere. Your "buddy who has guns and shoots all the time" if you have one, may not be the best bet. Gun ownership in no way bestows upon someone the ability to shoot or teach others to do so. I don't care how many guns he owns. 

Women are the best students in shooting. I've seen it hundreds of times. Women are naturally more teachable than men with firearm fundamentals. They have no preconceived notions about how to use them, and they have no ego about someone showing them how to do so the way so many men do (you'd be suprised how many men do not like to take direction because they believe, as a man, they should already "know" how to use a gun, and become shy about being taught when they don't really know). I can get young girls, women to shoot far better, far faster than I can most any man. Men are more "aggressive", less afraid, and can typically learn and handle firearm mechanics and manipulations quicker, but women are flat out better shots than men when they start out. The BEST way to phuck that up is to have some azzhole give them too big a gun before they're ready, and have that woman get hurt or become gun shy as a result. It is unfortunate, but it happens a lot. Some guy thinks it will be funny to see how his girlfriend, sister, wife, etc., reacts to shooting a .44 or 12 gauge, and screws them up completely as a result. Once someone developes a "flinch" it is a royal b!tch to get rid of it.

You'd both be well served with a couple .38 revolvers until you learn. You can use lower power target loads for practice, and load them up with "+P" ammo for self defense. A revolver is not "sexy" in this day and age of Glocks and other semi-autos you hear so much about, but for a beginner it just WORKS. You pick it up, point it, and pull the trigger. In a stress situation, with someone unfamiliar with firearms, that is what you need. You can easily pick up two of those for $1k.

Good luck on the rest of it.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

No, the loan isnt the issue, it was just an option I was researching. I didnt make a decision, I was trying to discuss it with her like normal adults. I couldnt hardly even look at her last night, I am still in disbelief.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> Lol, well put. She wants one to carry with her (concealed) for protection, *we planned on* getting her a 22 and myself a 9mm. We looked at a total costs of the handguns plus bullets for both practice and to have on hand, and also the concealed carry class for us both. the $1500 would cover it all. Not a big deal, but something to put her at ease nonetheless, I was just trying to help.


I retract my earlier statement that by coming up with the number, $1500, you made a decision. Sounds like you two were on the page.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your marriage has bigger problems than this particular instance. There is no reason to go that nuts over ANYTHING. Truly.

That said I'm also a tightwad so I'd be upset if my husband took out a loan without consulting me first. I do NOT open his mail nor does he open mine.


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## McMuffin (Dec 17, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Your marriage has bigger problems than this particular instance. There is no reason to go that nuts over ANYTHING. Truly.
> 
> That said I'm also a tightwad so I'd be upset if my husband took out a loan without consulting me first. I do NOT open his mail nor does he open mine.


I have seen mixed stance's on the subject of opening each others mail. On one hand, I see it as being completely open and honest, and would only caution her if I were expecting something like a gift that I didnt want her to see. On the other hand, she never does open any of my mail except those that are bills. The fact that she said she only opened it because it looked like a check didnt sit well. And after I got home, there were two other items addressed to me with the same sender address and she didnt open those. I just feel she overreacted because she has never had any reason to accuse me of not including her on any financial decision, we ALWAYS talk and make a decision together. She jumped to conclusions and was pissed before I even realized what was going on.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

McMuffin said:


> I have seen mixed stance's on the subject of opening each others mail.


Should mention both my husband and I grew up with controlling parents who didn't respect our privacy. We open each others mail but only after we've asked first. "Hey you just got a letter from your 401(k) account" (said if I was curious as to the contents) to which he'd then tell me to open it. 

We do this as a common courtesy and as a matter of respect. Once mail is open it's shared if the other wants to see it. There are no secrets but we get permission first? Make sense?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You overreacted on the opening the mail part. If she has opened mail before, why shouldn't she do it now. (Wife and I open each other's mail.)

As for the loan, sending a check and making it a loan when cashed is a common practice. Don't cash the check? No loan in place. She's at fault for overreacting for that.

Apologize ONCE for making a big deal about her opening the mail and move on. If she's stuck on the loan part, she's got other problems.


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