# Getting repeated stressed flashbacks from the past



## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

When i began going out with an ex 3 years ago, i felt so happy that i had met a woman with such beauty, knowledge, excitement, charisma, energy and not shy to express herself.

The problems began 2 months later when i had many unknown flaws at the time that portrayed me as clumsy, unaware, slow on thinking amongst others and these severely tested us.
She was also a very domineering person and whenever i did things wrong or that she didnt like, she would give me such a response that i would crawl into my shell and prefer to stay there the rest of the day.
After we broke up, i had time to think and came to the conclusion that I found her selfish; if i didnt like it, she would look at me as if i had no right to tell her that. If i was really tired and wanted to sleep, her answer was "fine! leave me awake and alone then - be like that!' and the one night she finally went to bed after she told me to stay awake, i just collapsed and my eyes were tearing abit - she wanted to make love to me and i tried to move too but i just didnt have the energy and she said "fine!" and abruptedly rolled over. But i was too tired to feel bad. I couldnt understand that she didnt notice.
She once said, "my exs could last longer than you can, why cant you? That sank me to the bottom of the ocean (((( I eventually blamed my stress from her that i couldnt last long enough for her. Also once we went with another friend couple to a nearby town for the weekend. The next morning our friends went for breakfast and i asked my ex if she was ready - 'i am not hungry'. I said fine and i will join our friends and see you later. I went to kiss her and she completely ignored it. I asked her whats wrong and she just said 'go and have your breakfast'. She was angry with me for 2 hours after that. She never answered why but i knew it was because i left her for breakfast because i was hungry. When 2 hours were up she said 'i am hungry, lets go to the cafe over there'. our friends and i were full from breakfast and so not thinking i said 'you are hungry?' she erupted saying that she had no breakfast. Now whose fault was that? I felt i had been whipped for no reason. I even once heard her and a friend as i entered our hotel school room saying that why she gives me so much ****. She announced my flaws and that just helped me confidnce again (sarcastic). I smiled and pretended not to have heard. I kissed her on the lips and carried on.

Then she didnt seem to understand that i didnt have as much money as she was given; plus she was given a credit card by her dad as "spend what you need". Well consequently she went mad sometimes and when i told her i only have so much left because i knew when i should pay my share, i was expecting a caring 'you have spend so much so i understand' - nothing like that was said. I eventually got irritated and put my foot down and said 'why are you like this? you know why i dont have so much money left' but she had ways of looking at you and acting that made you feel it was all your fault.

She also did not like being corrected or being told no. I loved her too much to put my foot down more often and take action when i deserved it and i am also stronger today then i was back then. She basically sucked out whatever confidence and self esteem that i had left in me. So naturally when i met her parents at graduation i could tell they looked almost disgusted.

Personally i felt telling her my truth about her (of course in a soft way) would have made me a near enemy to her and i loved her too much to ridicule her and i was also scared. It was a wrong move but my drained self confidence and self-esteem never gave me the courage to 'fight back'. When i had a few good days and i felt some return to me, i just enjoyed it while it lasted because i knew that her next bad move would through me again. Sometimes it was my flaw and sometimes i beleived it was her own character. 

I knew that i had character flaws which i needed to fix but she made it difficult for me to fix them because whenever she was around, i was actually on edge thinking what else she would find to complain about. Its true she found things which i realised i was stupid not to know or see but i eventually sidelined this as a constant and concious stress that get me from see things clearly anymore.

I remember one time she kissed me on the lips and i felt the love and i almost burst into tears. She comforted me for the first time in a long time and asked me 'what's wrong baby?' i didnt want to lose that moment, i just wanted her love. I held her close and simply replied with a small smile "i love you so much baby!".

Only once we left hotel school in December 2006 and i went to thailand and we broke up, i had time to myself and was able to fix my flaws.

We dated for 1 1/2 years.

Now to the point...
I occasionally get memories coming back to me. This relationship, though very passionate and life changing, it also had many knife-in-the-back experiences for me.

Why do these memories keep coming back? I personally feel they still affect me somehow mentally and that is why they come back. Maybe i havent truly gotten over them or are they trying to tell me something - but except for pain what else? Maybe i enjoyed those particular events before the trouble started?

Any advise please! ))))))))


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

not only men can be abusive, so can women. You should seek counseling and solve these self esteem issues you have.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

My self esteem increased a lot when i was in thailand. I was away from people who knock you down and i got advice from the internet such as writing down all your strengths and good values about yourself and with my flaw corrections, i started on a high from early last year. So i dont believe i need help in increasing my self-esteem. Of course talking about deep problems does bring you close and i do have soft emotions. In terms of girls, i can be naturally shy.

The strange thing also is that i have talked about some incidences to other friends before but they still come back.

Is councelling a recommended step in my case?


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

If you think counseling might help even a bit, then I say go for it.
I had a very similar situation with my Wife when we were first dating, and I have always been a very confident, sure of myself individual, and I would feel like crap sometimes due to this womans selfish uncaring ways. Like I said, she is my Wife now and if you read some of my other posts you will see that we still have major problems but not that one so much anymore. 
She will always be a selfish person but I forced fairness in our relationship. What I mean by forced fairness, is just that, I became the great equalizer. Only doing as much as I thought she deserved which wasn't much most of the time and treating her like garbage sometimes when I felt she was doing that to me. A taste of her own medicine so to speak. Doing this, in of itself doesn't really work too well or at least that's how it seemed, but it did finally help a little. 
You see, she would eventually brake down (as the victim) at which time I told her why I was treating her like garbage, siting all of her bad behavior and rude comments or plain meanness as the reason she was getting the treatment she was getting from me in return.
Be strong my friend, women suck sometime but I hear there are good, nice, caring ones out there. But until you find that one don't be a victim to all the bi_ches out there, K...


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Your ex sounds really immature, maybe spoiled too? As time goes by those painful feelings will probably not be as bad.

It always helps to work on oneself as well, but I can tell you from my experience, that I've been in unhealthy relationships in the past, and nothing has helped me heal from them better than 1. Spending some time single and getting comfortable with myself, and 2. Ending up in the good, healthy relationship that I have with my wife today.

Now that I'm in a healthy relationship, it's like "wow, I'm not crazy afterall...I can be a good partner/husband" - good validation.

The bad ones in the past always left me with a lot of self-doubt, anger, and confusion.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

I also believed that she was immature, regardless of how her parents or her other friends pictured her. And yes, she is an only child and her fathers family started a big bank back in the 30s so she has always had money. her mother literally beat manners and 'maturity' into her but there were some elements like ' having her own way' away from home that made her wrong.

But i feel that time alone (though i also wish to start a new relationship) and time in general will help me get over it all.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds to me like you simply have very different personalities. I am more like you and am often uncomfortable around people that are very assertive, 'the center of attention types'. I'm guessing there's something you find attractive about that, but walking on eggshells all the time is a horrible way to be in a relationship. I saw a common pattern in my own relationships and did go to counseling for a while. One thing I learned is that I need to be more assertive and although for me it's forced because it's not comfortable at all, it does give me more confidence and control over situations when I'm able to say what I want & not worry so much about upsetting others. I also learned through experience that by not saying anything/avoiding confrontation, that people receive that as me not caring which couldn't be further from the truth. Try not to let the memories drag you down, but rather use them to help you grow...what you won't put up with in future relationships, what you might do differently, etc. Counseling may or may not help you sort out your thoughts, it may be just that you have too much time to think about it (if you are alone in another country) but if you surround yourself with family/friends and eventually date again the memories will fade.


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## cbachinger (Sep 13, 2007)

Thank you swedish 

That was the answer i was looking for and it has asserted me to do just that.
I shouldnt let them worry me, only teach me what to look out for and know that by caring i should actually put my foot down and say i dont like it.
I have more confidence and self-esteem since we broke up and i have built it up in different ways by realising new strengths within me, so i have a good base to work from


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