# OK I REALLY F'd up but and am fully commited to change but...



## Deadontheinside

Default Can life be brought back to something that has decayed?
First I want to give a bit of a background which will lead to my current situation. I am not looking for sympathy, I am not looking for criticism, I criticize myself enough for this.

Eight years ago I met the most amazing woman in the world. We proceeded to move in together in three months and had our ups and downs as any couple would who are trying to get to know each other. After the initial shock I guess of learning how to live with someone else passed we had a great life. About two years ago I had major knee surgery which brought me into a spiral of depression and boredom. The reconstructive surgery took me out of work for three months, and I was limited with almost everything I did physically for about 6 months (I couldn't lift anything over 5lbs as it also involved bone replacement and muscle reconstruction like that matters). I am not trying to justify my behavior, rather I am just trying to give an accurate timeline to my own demise. After the surgery I was prescribed heavy pain medication which as we all know can screw ones head up in a medicated way. Now this is the kicker I have always had a issue with addiction, I was fairly successful in recognizing my problem and kicking it before it became an issue until this surgery. I knew of my problem and decided i would give up the pills and just deal with medicating myself with pot. I have always had a bit of an issue with anything that made me high that's why i never went to anything stronger than the good old THC. Now many can argue that grass is a non-addictive substance and I happen to agree, however I myself loved just plain getting high i was addicted to being high. Anyway as the pain dissipated, i was still left with a pain inside that was self induced pity because well lets be honest i was bored, and lonely. I know it sounds pathetic but I was home alone waiting for anyone to call, or for my wife to come home. THE STORY CONTINUES as I began to feel lonely I began to smoke more to kill that feeling, and eventually I felt lonely all the time. I began to feel lonely even in the presence of others including that beautiful person who was and I guess still is my wife.

I removed myself in a cloud of self pity and pot. As time went on I was back to work, but still smoking like a chimney. I distanced myself from my family and started neglected the one i love the most. She wanted to talk i would grunt a few responses and was pretty much dead to her. That's not to say we didn't have our good times. Because there where quite a few, when I wasn't in a pool of despair anyway.

The plot thickens eight months ago, see I have always had and I am ashamed to admit this but a problem with porn. Once again I am ashamed to admit it but if I am not truthful then whats the point. I am an addict to sex and drugs. Now honestly i have never thought of cheating (you know where this is going huh), and honestly I would never have until yet another chapter of my story reveals itself. A friend of mine (ok an associate of mine) came over with that synthetic cannabis crap, so I tried this chemical ridden garbage and I was hooked on it both the high it provided, and the amperage to my sex drive was unparalleled. So I increased my porn viewing and then three months ago it seemed it wasn't enough.

So what does this stoned moron do? Create an online profile on a dating site looking for a friend with benefits type of thing. (GREAT GUY I AM HUH). Anyway I deleted the profile a couple of times, got stoned and reactivated it, and then I met a gal online we corresponded via IM, and then proceeding texting. We met with the intent of an affair though i was so riddled with guilt I left. I cut off communication deleted the profile and continued on. I was so riddled with guilt i amped my usage ten fold. I spent money we didn't have and my sex drive was raging so I found another woman. I met her at her house, and started the disgusting act of infidelity. It got as far as clothing removal and then i felt disgusting and had to leave.

Now the plot truly thickens. She found my wife via facebook, and like it matters really twisted the encounter. She told my wife we *(@'#@ 'ed along with other fictitious info. Once again I know it doesn't matter as the intent was there. And honestly thank god for this woman because if it wasn't her for her i wouldn't be in NA, SA (yes there is a sexholics anonymous), and in therapy. So this happened three weeks ago and though i am not expected miracles this is whats happening:

Once again i am getting myself better through a combination of group therapies, and one on one with both a therapist, a marriage counselor, and even a shrink. I am learning and improving on all the quirks that made me into the prick i was. Even my wife has commented on the rapid growth and development i am experiencing.

So about 8 months ago my wife started talking to this dude at work with no intent of anything. She claims that recently she started to acquire feelings for this man, and who can blame her I made her feel so isolated by my own stupidity. Anyway we are still living together (obviously the sleaze is on the couch). That sleaze is me by the way. Now she says she doesn't know what she wants and she is very impressed by my 180 in behavior and actions. Today she told me she might be going on a date tomorrow with this man. Yes I am hurt and Yes I deserve it, and YES she deserves to be happy. I guess through all this rambling, I am asking for advice (and if your still reading thank), first DO i have a cold chance in hell, second what more can I do. I am seeking help obviously, I am home as much as possible for both her and our beautiful little 2 1/2 year old girl, I am cleaning the house, doing laundry, making dinner. My reserves and sanity are on a thin thread as I am putting in so much effort there is very little time to sleep. So once again whats a dusche like me to do? I didnt know this topic room exsisted so i placed the same the post in the seperation and divorce room


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## GetTough

First before you even start thinking about your relationship, remember that this is the last of your problems. Until you get your own **** together, nothing else in your life will work. Get off the drugs, if only so your daughter doesn't have to breathe your crap or have her dad stoned half the time. Get your health straight. Quit beating yourself up and focus on staying clean one day at a time and on the progress you can and MUST make. Accept the fact that you will probably lose your wife. She has probably already checked out. She wants to date others so start letting her go. But be open to reconciliation. Put all the energy you want to put into getting her back into getting your own act together, for yourself and your daughter.


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## Deadontheinside

GetTough said:


> First before you even start thinking about your relationship, remember that this is the last of your problems. Until you get your own **** together, nothing else in your life will work. Get off the drugs, if only so your daughter doesn't have to breathe your crap or have her dad stoned half the time. Get your health straight. Quit beating yourself up and focus on staying clean one day at a time and on the progress you can and MUST make. Accept the fact that you will probably lose your wife. She has probably already checked out. She wants to date others so start letting her go. But be open to reconciliation. Put all the energy you want to put into getting her back into getting your own act together, for yourself and your daughter.


Ya I figured as much just FYI as much as a tool as i was I NEVER EVER was stoned in front of that little angel.


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## LostWifeCrushed

I'm not sure pot is your problem. I think self-control and not seeking to solve your marital problems outside of your marriage is your problem. Lots of people smoke pot. That doesn't make them cheaters. A person who cheats, fills a void they are feeling by going outside of their marriage.

The question to ask is: Why did you seek out another sex partner? You took a vow to forsake all others. If you have a problem with pot, then deal with that. But you did not take a vow to not smoke pot. You took a vow of fidelity to your wife. You threw this out the window. Are you blaming that on the pot?

Just saying, people who use drugs like to blame everything on the drug. I'm not condoning it, just trying to get you to separate the two.

BTW, she should not be going out with anyone. Aren't you married? You feel so guilty that she is now dating other men? Are you still living together? This isn't good. All around. You guys should be in reconciliation or separating. Don't live in limbo.


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## Deadontheinside

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I'm not sure pot is your problem. I think self-control and not seeking to solve your marital problems outside of your marriage is your problem. Lots of people smoke pot. That doesn't make them cheaters. A person who cheats, fills a void they are feeling by going outside of their marriage.
> 
> The question to ask is: Why did you seek out another sex partner? You took a vow to forsake all others. If you have a problem with pot, then deal with that. But you did not take a vow to not smoke pot. You took a vow of fidelity to your wife. You threw this out the window. Are you blaming that on the pot?
> 
> Just saying, people who use drugs like to blame everything on the drug. I'm not condoning it, just trying to get you to separate the two.
> 
> BTW, she should not be going out with anyone. Aren't you married? You feel so guilty that she is now dating other men? Are you still living together? This isn't good. All around. You guys should be in reconciliation or separating. Don't live in limbo.


I am not blaming pot btw, i even said pot is non addictive. I am blaming myself and my addictive traits. I am sorry if that was misconstrued but in order to get a true grasp on the situation I explained my usage. 
I feel what you are saying about people blaming drugs on there problems, and my problems where not because of the drugs, they are my own through a series of addictive self destroying behaviors that led me to use. I am also not blaming synthetic cannibinoids, however on them they really amped my sex drive. Part of being an addict which is something i can freely admit is always looking for something more, a bigger high. When the porn wasnt cutting it I took the next route. Once again I feel like i am taking the appropriate route and blaming my behaviors in my active addiction on my self, NOT THE DRUG. 
Those vows are very true I did vow fidelity, and I did f' it up because once again of my behaviors in addictive addiction. The problems in our marriage where my own doing, I was self loathing, self centered, self righteous, and scared. And i isolated myself. 
I was trying to fill a void that implemented on myself because of my own feelings not our marriage, she tried and in my own way pushed her away.
Yes we are living together, and I think dating anyone even as "friends" as she puts it is toxic if reconciliation is a possibility. I do thank you for your comments, but i also want to say once again if i made it seem like i was blaming the drugs for my own problems i apologize.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Deadontheinside said:


> I am not blaming pot btw, i even said pot is non addictive. I am blaming myself and my addictive traits. I am sorry if that was misconstrued but in order to get a true grasp on the situation I explained my usage.
> I feel what you are saying about people blaming drugs on there problems, and my problems where not because of the drugs, they are my own through a series of addictive self destroying behaviors that led me to use. I am also not blaming synthetic cannibinoids, however on them they really amped my sex drive. Part of being an addict which is something i can freely admit is always looking for something more, a bigger high. When the porn wasnt cutting it I took the next route. Once again I feel like i am taking the appropriate route and blaming my behaviors in my active addiction on my self, NOT THE DRUG.
> Those vows are very true I did vow fidelity, and I did f' it up because once again of my behaviors in addictive addiction. The problems in our marriage where my own doing, I was self loathing, self centered, self righteous, and scared. And i isolated myself.
> I was trying to fill a void that implemented on myself because of my own feelings not our marriage, she tried and in my own way pushed her away.
> Yes we are living together, and I think dating anyone even as "friends" as she puts it is toxic if reconciliation is a possibility. I do thank you for your comments, but i also want to say once again if i made it seem like i was blaming the drugs for my own problems i apologize.


You really sound like you have struggled mightily. I am happy to hear you have searched so deeply within and taken personal responsibility. This is a rare quality and you should be commended for being able to say:

*
The problems in our marriage where my own doing, I was self loathing, self centered, self righteous, and scared. And i isolated myself. *

Just don't take all the blame. The marital problems belong to both spouses, 50/50. The cheating, however, is all on the cheater. If you were isolating yourself and she was trying.....that's tough to bounce back from. It can be done, but I think it's a lot of work. My H tends to isolate, which makes it impossible to fix things. But what is going on with your W? You've got to push for reconciliation or separate. Limbo is the worst kind of hell. And it only adds problems on top of problems.

You've got to have a vision for your life. A positive vision that includes healing and forgiveness. You seem sincere. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your marriage. Its sounds like you have really looked within. You have done some major work.
No matter how things turn out.....keep going down this path.

Good luck and please take care of yourself.


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## jlock111

LostWifeCrushed said:


> You really sound like you have struggled mightily. I am happy to hear you have searched so deeply within and taken personal responsibility. This is a rare quality and you should be commended for being able to say:
> 
> *
> The problems in our marriage where my own doing, I was self loathing, self centered, self righteous, and scared. And i isolated myself. *
> 
> Just don't take all the blame. The marital problems belong to both spouses, 50/50. The cheating, however, is all on the cheater. If you were isolating yourself and she was trying.....that's tough to bounce back from. It can be done, but I think it's a lot of work. My H tends to isolate, which makes it impossible to fix things. But what is going on with your W? You've got to push for reconciliation or separate. Limbo is the worst kind of hell. And it only adds problems on top of problems.
> 
> You've got to have a vision for your life. A positive vision that includes healing and forgiveness. You seem sincere. There is nothing wrong with fighting for your marriage. Its sounds like you have really looked within. You have done some major work.
> No matter how things turn out.....keep going down this path.
> 
> Good luck and please take care of yourself.


I think marriage is 100/100


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## Deadontheinside

So just a update...... we have been going to counseling and wow what a mind blowing event had happened. Two weeks ago during a therapy session i was told that she has stopped loving me and has stopped for almost two years now. She see's me as more a brother than a husband. Well, I have always tried to please her, except of course in the last 8 months or so. I have had a lot of resentment towards her for a very long time because i have given up so much just in an attempt to make her happy. I finally realize that by doing so I truly have not been happy. I have been miserable and did not even realize it because I tend to focus on others rather than myself. Once again not in the last 8 months. Anyway she told me things where over a couple of weeks ago. Financially we are kinda stuck together, and to be honest that's ok because once she told me she was threw the awkwardness has left. Ya being in limbo was the worst thing for both of us, and now we can move on. We are working together to fix up our house, to sell and pay off our debt. We are living together but very civilly, we seem to work better as friends than as a couple. Odd as it sounds. We are both focused on our own happiness, and of course our daughters, trying to make this life transition the least confusing as possible for her. I am continuing my therapy and everything, and for the first time in a long time doing things on my own. I forgot what that was like because i so focused on her i forgot about me. So life is actually going good. I don't think there is an chance in reconciliation and I'm ok with that.


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## bkaydezz

:/

everyone deserves to be happy.
i feel for though being completely isolated and in intolerable pain all the time. this is were love is such a big part.
when you make a commitment to love and honor you are also supposed to take care of that person in sickness and in health. not just for the good but also for the bad.
thats one thing that bothers me with people. they think because someone is suffering from a physicall problem that its there ok to get up and start a new life.
NO. i want to know that my man is going to be there for me and take care of me. i would give that to him. so i want it back.
this isnt in everyone to do so.
as far as the pot smoking...bleh! what satifies you will not satify another. im not for it. i grew up in a family where drugs were present 24/7, so that last thing i want in my life.
i know you were just medicating yourself for depression and also for the high. im not condoning what you have done here. i am jsut saying that i have a excessively angered father with bi-polar and mild pscytzophrenia ( did not spell that right) and weed is like magic for him, calms him down so much. so i say what the hell to that. id rather see him in a calm collective state then in his rampages 24/7. and truthfully im not even sure if he is still smoking it at this moment. if he is then i dont know.


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## LostWifeCrushed

Deadontheinside said:


> So just a update...... we have been going to counseling and wow what a mind blowing event had happened. Two weeks ago during a therapy session i was told that she has stopped loving me and has stopped for almost two years now. She see's me as more a brother than a husband. Well, I have always tried to please her, except of course in the last 8 months or so. I have had a lot of resentment towards her for a very long time because i have given up so much just in an attempt to make her happy. I finally realize that by doing so I truly have not been happy. I have been miserable and did not even realize it because I tend to focus on others rather than myself. Once again not in the last 8 months. Anyway she told me things where over a couple of weeks ago. Financially we are kinda stuck together, and to be honest that's ok because once she told me she was threw the awkwardness has left. Ya being in limbo was the worst thing for both of us, and now we can move on. We are working together to fix up our house, to sell and pay off our debt. We are living together but very civilly, we seem to work better as friends than as a couple. Odd as it sounds. We are both focused on our own happiness, and of course our daughters, trying to make this life transition the least confusing as possible for her. I am continuing my therapy and everything, and for the first time in a long time doing things on my own. I forgot what that was like because i so focused on her i forgot about me. So life is actually going good. I don't think there is an chance in reconciliation and I'm ok with that.


This sounds very healthy, but I am sad you had to hear such callousness form your spouse....

Let me tell you....I use a cannabis tincture as medicinal use for my back. I understand using as a means to check out from responsibility from life as my spouse has used other substances for this.... You still don't deserve to be discounted.

If you have a problem, then OK, but the dissolution of a marriage is a traumatic event. Please take care and strive to be the best YOU that is possible. Good luck.


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