# What should I do?



## helenofsparta (Sep 2, 2010)

Hello.

I am 20 years old and have been married to a man in the military for a year and half. We've made it through a deployment already and seemed fine. Recently, we've moved to an extremely isolated place in the desert for his new school and he is gone ALL DAY. And its not just the fact that he is gone all the time, but he doesn't seem to care that I am stuck at home, no kids, no car in a small house by myself. He doesn't seem to want to make up for lost time, and has even lost interest in sex for the past few weeks. We fight a lot over little things, especially when I ask him to do little things around the house on weekends to help me out. 

The problem is, since I am home alone all day, I have been on the internet constantly and have met someone. He is in the same branch of military, but on the other coast. He is 30, but I have become deeply attracted to him through chats, texting, emails and webcam sometimes. I feel AWFUL for this. I have never wanted to be a cheating wife. But I am getting no emotional or sexual needs from my husband, and I feel like I need an outlet. I have been talking to this other man (also married, with one kid) for weeks now and I just am not able to make myself stop. I hate myself for it. I love my husband and I can't imagine my life without him, but I find myself thinking that I cannot keep living me life like this. There's also the fact that he won't even discuss the subject of kids for the next 6 years, which breaks my heart.

Sorry, I know this is long. 

I have family out on the east coast where the other guy lives, and I desperately want to go and see him, and likely could if I gave the excuse of visiting family. He is considering divorce and talks to me like we could begin dating and be together once he is, and he really tugs at my heartstrings by telling me he would love to see my pregnant with his kids. I am so confused. I have talked to my husband about the problems I feel we're having, and he tells me he doesn't think anything's wrong, just that he's sorry that he has to be away for most of the time. 

Any outside advice is welcome. And if you want to rake me through the coals, go for it. I know I deserve it.


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## Eli_Erdwell (Sep 2, 2010)

No you don't. No wife deserves to be isolated and then ignored. When I was still dating my husband, there was another guy and I was in the same situation as you. I'm in New England, and 21 yrs old. The guy would talk all the time about holding my hips during love-making and wanting to meet so we could 'hit it off' while my then-boyfriend was at work. And I wasn't even as isolated as you cuz I still lived at home even if I never really saw my family.
I was so tempted that I actually met the guy, while my then-boyfriend was at work. I took a bus out to town and met him half way. He was everything I thought I wanted and wasn't getting with my bf. But then I would go home and see my bf and I felt so bad for even considering cheating. 
But being emotionally and sexually deprived by your husband, military or not, isn't fair. Especially being so far away from your family. He might be exhausted from training, but before you try to have a serious conversation about your grievances, be straight-forward about how you feel. 
Just say 'I'm sorry if you think I'm snapping, but I've been home all day with nothing to do and no one to talk to. I'm just feeling a little stir-crazy.' or something to that effect. If he refuses to listen and tells you that it doesn't matter, seek professional help. It's not too much to ask him for a little help around the house, even if it's only to symbolize that you aren't in this alone.
As for the other guy, don't talk sexually or romantically until you've gotten your head on straight with your husband. You can still talk, but let him know that you want to try and make it work with your current husband. (if that's what you still want to do). Besides, if he's married too, you might not want to take his word about divorcing his current wife until the paperwork is in his hand. It might just be him blowing smoke up your butt for his own needs... Just PLEASE be careful!


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## mrszeus (Jul 13, 2010)

Being ignored, isolated and lonely can drive a person to many things!

Don't feel like you're a bad person. It's normal. However, you need to gain back control of your life, because it sounds like you're slowly losing it.

I don't quite understand where you are, but it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you have to have a long, honest talk with your husband. It's not fair to you to be ignored, but it's not fair to him to be cheated (emotionally, in this case). 

Let him know how you feel, how much you miss talking to him, and being intimate with him. Tell him you cannot live in a cage, with no contact to outside world and no attention from him. Maybe he's under a lot of stress he doesn't know how to deal with; and that's how he's reacting to it.

You need to know you did everything you could to save your marriage. Once you do, you can be at peace knowing that it wasn't your fault, and you did your best. 

About the other guy... he's cheating on his wife emotionally, just like you. What makes the situation worse is the fact that he has a wife. You don't want to be the other woman, especially when you're married yourself. 

Talk to your husband and reach a decision together. If he doesn't want to work on your marriage, then it's OK to move on. This way... it's not fair.

Good luck!


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

You are WAY too young to be married. At age 20 you should be in school, meeting people, having fun, figuring out what to do with YOUR life. 

150 years ago it made a lot of sense for people to marry in their teens. Most folks lived on farms and needed lots of kids to work. For those in cities, the surviving children were the social safety net for people who lived long enough to need care beyond the time when they could generate their own income. 

Today, it makes no sense at all to be married at age 20. You haven't experience any life of your own yet. Go make THAT first, and then you can be in a position to decide credibly what kind of partnership you want.

As for your current situation, you are engaged in an emotional affair. If you leave your current husband and run to this other guy, I believe strongly it will end badly. For you to be happy requires you to create a real self-concept that is independent first.

Get a divorce and start over. You are young. It will be painful, but it will make you stronger.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

helenofsparta said:


> The problem is, since I am home alone all day, I have been on the internet constantly and have met someone. He is in the same branch of military, but on the other coast. He is 30, but I have become deeply attracted to him through chats, texting, emails and webcam sometimes. I feel AWFUL for this. I have never wanted to be a cheating wife. But I am getting no emotional or sexual needs from my husband, and I feel like I need an outlet. I have been talking to this other man (also married, with one kid) for weeks now and I just am not able to make myself stop. I hate myself for it. I love my husband and I can't imagine my life without him


I did some of this, too. when i moved with my H i was isolated from family and friends and my H was really emotionally and physically distant. i met some people online, too. One guy in particular filled the emptiness for me. 

Ive been in your shoes. i know how i felt and the kind of person i was. i never want to be that person again. i was lazy, dependent, fearful. i couldnt do anything for myself. i was waiting for my H to come home and make me happy. i blamed him for everything. i took no accountability for my life or my actions. i really thought my life was his fault. i know how that goes. i look back and feel so embarrassed for how i acted.

You need to get out of the house and do something productive with your life. Why are you sitting around doing nothing? You need to find ways to contribute positively to your environment instead of spreading dysfunction. Your H is out working hard and you are going behind his back with some other guy. Is that really who you want to be? There's no excuses. Whatever your H has done its nothing compared to what you are doing. Get some goals and go after your goals. Dont be a sloth that leeches off of another womens husband.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Don't leave your husband for this other man. IF you leave your husband, it needs to be for the right reasons. It needs to be because you've determined that your marriage won't work based on problems within it, independent of the idea that some other guy can give you what your husband isn't at this time. When you're unhappy, you'll always see other people that you think will make you happier, but that's only because you want to take the easy way to solve whatever's bothering you right now. 

I don't think that staying in any contact at all with this other guy is a good idea. But...at the very least, you do need to tell him that you want to try to make it work with your husband and to limit conversation to purely friend type topics. Then talk to your husband, tell him you are not happy with things as they are right now, and things need to change. Counseling may be a way to go, to help you two communicate more effectively.

As for children...you're only 20. Don't rush children. I had my oldest when I was 22. I don't regret my sons, at all, but they do change everything. Yes, they will give you something to occupy your time, but that's not a good reason to have kids. Waiting the 6 yrs he insists on would make you 26...not that old for having a child...actually a rather good age, I'd say. And especially since you aren't even sure if your marriage will last...don't bring a child into it. Not only will it not make things better, but it will make divorce more complicated if it comes to that, and it means that an innocent child will suffer if you two divorce. It's not fair to any of you, but especially the child. 

Think things over very carefully. Don't let this other man influence you and your decisions. Everything he says sounds really good, but you have no way of knowing if he really means it or is just having fun getting you going. I think you'd really regret it if you ended your marriage for this other guy and then found out he was only playing with you.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Copy and paste Blanca's post to u. it basically says it all and from one who's been where u r now at.

I know its hard to obey others when all u feel is your NEEDS/WANTS being ignored, but u must do as she tells ya
if u want any self respect left after that other guy dumps u or u dump him.

Thanks Blanca for sharing so honestly w/ Mal74 and all of us here. (dang girl, u r on a hot streak as i just left another thread where u posted "on d'money.")


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