# feel like I'm dying



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Hey everyone, thanks for reading.

My husband and I have been married for ten months. I am 25, he is 32. Well, he has made a habit out of leaving everytime we argue or he
decides to make something i say a huge deal. He leaves for hours on end to strip clubs and bars. He will come back whenever he feels
like it and completely ignores my calls. He does it about once a month. The longest he's gone has been about 2.5 months. At first, he
would accept blame and ask for forgiveness, say he wasn't going to drink or do that anymore. Now, he blames it on me. He doesn't
apologize, he says its my fault because of how i am. This is how I am: I have a constant fear of him leaving and doing this what he does
best. So sometimes i overreact and say he's up to something when he acts weird (like not answer the phone for a long time when i know
he's capable). He then says he doesn't want to go.home to me and goes off bar hopping.

I've packed a suitcase and have decided to stay at a hotel the rest of the week. I'm not going to pay any bills (I pay everything until he
remembers we have bills). I feel like I'm mentally abused and have been brought to a low level. I constantly feel like its my fault. I'm to the
point that he says something he likes on a woman and off I go looking for that n trying to get it to please him. But he still leaves, he still
talks mean to me, still yells, still makes me feel unworthy.

My husband is two different people. When he's good, he's great. But when he's bad, he's horrible. I can't ever get.over the bad though its
been swept under the rug time n time again. I always move on just in hopes of having his love.

He pulled the strip club, bar thing two days ago. Got home at 4am. Came back n if i bring anything up he alternates between saying its my
fault or asking me if I'm trying to start a problem. I'm so lost. Please help. I would really like male answers. What am i doing wrong? What
can i be doing wrong?

Ps we don't have children together. He has two children who are my step n i love dearly. He was never married before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm not a guy, but IMO you're not doing anything wrong per se. His impulsive actions follow fights. What is it you two are in disagreement over so often?

His choice destination has little to do with the fight. The fighting gives him a valid excuse to leave the house and behave irresponsibly.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

We argue about little stupid things. For example, this last time i called him n he wasn't answering n then was acting weird which he does before an escapade so i said "ur up to something". He started cursing at me n yelling n I hung up. That was it. The time before that i can't remember. Its usually something i say n he blows up. I think you're right. He makes huge deals just to get out n do what he wants to. What do i do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If I did this, my wife would dump my sorry azz. And vice versa. You deserve better. What are you willing to put up with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

How can i make him see i won't put up with it? I don't want to jump to divorce. I feel I've encouraged it because it always gets swept under the rug. But i don't want to do.that anymore. I'm going to a.hotel today. ... u think that.will help or what
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Have you considered counselling?

It sounds to me as though your husband has anger management problems.

With us men that can diminish as we get older but it can take a very long time wthout help.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

I know you wanted male answers however I can relate to your situation. Here are some things that I have learned. Stop chasing HIM and trying to earn his love. I have same fear of abandonment by my partner and the ONLY thing this has ever done is push him farther away. Be proud of who you are and love yourself. You are worthy of his love just as you are, if he doesn't give it to you then its on him, and you may need to rethink what YOU want and need from a partner.

I used to question my partner whereabouts, why he stopped taking my calls etc. Yes he has been up to no good at times but there is nothing I can do about his behavior. I can only control mine. This pushed him farther away, when I stopped caring about what he was up to, ironically he would call to check in etc...

I read the book, Why men love Bit$hes, my counselor recommended it, I am too nice, a pleaser and needy at times. Helped me a ton. 

During a sober time for your partner, maybe have a conversation about deal breakers in your relationship. If excessive drinking, bars and strip clubs are to much for you then say so! If that's a deal breaker, then break the deal... You should not have to suffer in your relationship either. 

You are NOT to blame for his actions. Regardless of what type of fight you have. He is choosing this all on his own. Stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, it takes two to dance, remember that! 

I have worked hard on building my self esteem and confidence, this has helped a ton also... 

Hope the best for you!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Cursing at you and yelling are not "little stupid things". 

When a spouse disrespects and offends the other, it is a sign that something deeply wrong is going on.



NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> We argue about little stupid things. For example, this last time i called him n he wasn't answering n then was acting weird which he does before an escapade so i said "ur up to something". He started cursing at me n yelling n I hung up. That was it. The time before that i can't remember. Its usually something i say n he blows up. I think you're right. He makes huge deals just to get out n do what he wants to. What do i do
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> Hey everyone, thanks for reading.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for ten months. I am 25, he is 32. Well, he has made a habit out of leaving everytime we argue or he
> decides to make something i say a huge deal. He leaves for hours on end to strip clubs and bars. He will come back whenever he feels
> ...


Sorry you're going through this.
You may not like what I'm going to say.
This man, your husband is abusing you, and based on what you have written, it will escalate into physical abuse.

I say this based on what I have seen and read from different women, and those parts that I have highlighted in your post.

You are already blaming yourself.
Please stop and try to think CLEARLY.
His actions are not your fault and you do not deserve to be treated like this.
Please seek professional help and run from this man, before it gets worse.

EDIT:

I am posting a link to another thread in which many other women posted their stories. Maybe you could have a look at it and you will see that your situation may not be _that_ different from theirs.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...64173-why-do-some-women-stay-abusive-men.html

There is something you can do but you must first recognize it for what it is, abuse.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Ty so much. What did u do to build your self esteem? How do u cope when he leaves? What do u do to keep yourself from calling? This last time i went to the mall and also watched a movie by myself. But it took alot to keep still and i kept looking at my phone. I didn't call him but he didn't call me. Instead, he said he thought it was great that i wasn't blowing him up n gave him space.


QUOTE=torani;2494017]I know you wanted male answers however I can relate to your situation. Here are some things that I have learned. Stop chasing HIM and trying to earn his love. I have same fear of abandonment by my partner and the ONLY thing this has ever done is push him farther away. Be proud of who you are and love yourself. You are worthy of his love just as you are, if he doesn't give it to you then its on him, and you may need to rethink what YOU want and need from a partner.

I used to question my partner whereabouts, why he stopped taking my calls etc. Yes he has been up to no good at times but there is nothing I can do about his behavior. I can only control mine. This pushed him farther away, when I stopped caring about what he was up to, ironically he would call to check in etc...

I read the book, Why men love Bit$hes, my counselor recommended it, I am too nice, a pleaser and needy at times. Helped me a ton. 

During a sober time for your partner, maybe have a conversation about deal breakers in your relationship. If excessive drinking, bars and strip clubs are to much for you then say so! If that's a deal breaker, then break the deal... You should not have to suffer in your relationship either. 

You are NOT to blame for his actions. Regardless of what type of fight you have. He is choosing this all on his own. Stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the relationship, it takes two to dance, remember that! 

I have worked hard on building my self esteem and confidence, this has helped a ton also... 

Hope the best for you![/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I think staying away from him is going to help you see things a bit more clearly. 

You are enabling his abuse.


You are still very young. Dont subject yourself to a life of mental and verbal abuse. There are plenty of fish in the sea.


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## tiredwife&sahm (Jan 4, 2012)

Classic.

Your husband probably already plans to go to the strip club or where ever before you guys argue.For him the only way to get away is to get in an argument with you. You want to show him you won't put up with it. Then don't put up with it. Men respond to actions words roll right off. From your post I think your husband feels being married is stripping him of his freedom. Now I may be wrong, but that's just what it seems like.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Ty so much. I just realized you're right. I'm being mentally and emotionally abused. I'm looking into a counselor . 
. 



Caribbean Man said:


> Sorry you're going through this.
> You may not like what I'm going to say.
> This man, your husband is abusing you, and based on what you have written, it will escalate into physical abuse.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been with this guy for? 

Where are his kids at when he's out at the strip club on a Sunday? 

You got a dud. 



NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> The longest he's gone has been about 2.5 months.


No good. 



NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> I have a constant fear of him leaving and doing this what he does
> best.


And THIS is the problem.
Stop fearing. 
He has shown you repeatedly he will leave and sometimes be gone nearly 3 months. He has shown you that instead of dealing with conflict, he bounces and blanks you. 

So... start seeing him for who he really is. Lay down the law. 

You are young and have no kids. If he won't meet you halfway, do like he does, and leave. 

Don't "fear" what he always does though. Once you stop fearing, you will be way better off.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Memento said:


> I think staying away from him is going to help you see things a bit more clearly.
> 
> *You are enabling his abuse.
> 
> You are still very young. Dont subject yourself to a life of mental and verbal abuse. There are plenty of fish in the sea.*



Yes^^^to this!

You don't need him in your life right now.
Work on yourself and your self esteem, and things could only get better.
STOP seeing yourself through his eyes.

He is a coward and a bully. 
Abusing you is what gives him his fix. You cannot " fix " him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> How can i make him see i won't put up with it?


By not putting up with it.
Showing through ACTIONS, not words, that you mean business.

Oh and you cannot "make" him do anything. He is a grown adult who makes his own choices. So when he blames you, he isn't accepting responsibility. 

That is what you are dealing with.

I second everyone who said this sounds like an an abusive relationship. You sound like you have low self-esteem, are co-dependent and willing to accept scraps from this guy. He knows you aren't going anywhere cause you keep putting up with it, and he blames you for his actions. Sounds like abusive relationship 101.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. I am sure that it's very hard to read these messages.

Put yourself in first place. You deserve to be happy! You deserve to have a wonderful husband and a loving family! And you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

If your husband is not capable of grasping those concepts, you need to move on.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> Hey everyone, thanks for reading.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for ten months. I am 25, he is 32. Well, he has made a habit out of leaving everytime we argue or he
> decides to make something i say a huge deal. He leaves for hours on end to strip clubs and bars. He will come back whenever he feels
> ...


I have a daughter your age so am going to be blunt but at the same time am acknowledging your pain:

This man is not good for you. Does he even work? Does he support and see his children on a regular basis? Sure you can go to a hotel but he will probably beg you to come back...and you will because your heart is breaking.

Love doesn't hurt.

Your husband causes you so much pain. He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't respect you. He is abusive & probably narcissistic & this will be the hardest to hear:

He doesn't love you in a healthy & mature way.

I hope you have family members to comfort you & please really listen to their advice. 

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emerald said:


> I have a daughter your age so am going to be blunt but at the same time am acknowledging your pain:
> 
> This man is not good for you.


:iagree:

Listen to the moms. They know!!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You survived before you met him. Fear of losing him will keep you locked in. He has to know that you are willing to walk. Take charge of your life or his actions will control you. Start with counseling.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

I am more than grateful for these responses. They are hard to read and some brought tears. But it's good, I need this. I'm processing it all and building a plan.

@Emerald: it's so funny bcuz I've always told him "love doesn't hurt". I can't believe you said that, it was a true eye opener.

Clarifications: Btw, his kids are only with us half of the week. He does work but barely contributes usually unless i say something. 

He hasn't been gone for 2.5 months. That's the longest he has gone WITHOUT going anywhere. 

Right now, this is my plan:
- go to counseling
-Stop paying the house bills (I'm hoping the lights get cut off... i asked him a while ago to take over the finances, he said yes but hasn't done a thing)
- Staying at a hotel for now. Hoping to find something more stable
-i need an activity

I have to admit all of this is going to be EXTREMELY hard for me to do. I always give in. But i know i can't and I'm trying to remind myself of that. He has too much control over me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> I am more than grateful for these responses. They are hard to read and some brought tears. But it's good, I need this. I'm processing it all and building a plan.
> 
> @Emerald: it's so funny bcuz I've always told him "love doesn't hurt". I can't believe you said that, it was a true eye opener.
> 
> ...


Good for you for having a plan!

I suspected he wasn't contributing his fair share financially....after all strip clubs & boozing are expensive!

Be very careful if he has violent tendencies once you start standing up for yourself. It appears that you are the one providing him with a roof, food, utilities & this could get ugly once you are no longer his doormat.

Again, I hope you have family that can help you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

NewToThisMarriage:

How long have you been in a relationship with this guy? 



NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> Right now, this is my plan:
> - go to counseling
> -Stop paying the house bills (I'm hoping the lights get cut off... i asked him a while ago to take over the finances, he said yes but hasn't done a thing)
> - Staying at a hotel for now. Hoping to find something more stable
> -i need an activity


This is a good plan. An awesome plan, actually. 

The counselling, whether he goes with you or not, go. It will be good for you. Because you need to vent and also work on your self-esteem and find out why you are tolerating this and talk it out with someone.

Know you are WORTH more. 

Does your family like this guy? I am guessing they don't (unless he pulls Mr. Charming in front of them, typical for abusers).

Do you have any family/friends you can stay with? You need to surround yourself with a good support system. 

Do you have a job? If not, start looking for 1. 

Activity: what do you like to do? Can you take classes somewhere of things that interest you or formal schooling? Join a gym? (Exercise is an AMAZING de-stressor)? Meetup groups? Join a book club?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Good thing you found out about this before you had kids. Was he like this before marriage? It seems he never grew up or learned to take responsibility for anything. I agree with your plan. Enlist some family members and friends for support as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

scatty said:


> Good thing you found out about this before you had kids.


YES!



scatty said:


> It seems he never grew up or learned to take responsibility for anything.


Is this behavior why he and his kids' mother broke up? 

Let me guess, he speaks very ill of her and blames her for everything that went wrong in their relationship? Does he use derogatory terms when talking about her?


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

No, she cheated on him and left him for another guy. He doesn't and never has bad mouthed her. He's actually quite sensible towards her even when the kids complain about her.

My family is indifferent towards him.

UOTE=Jellybeans;2497409]YES!



Is this behavior why he and his kids' mother broke up? 

Let me guess, he speaks very ill of her and blames her for everything that went wrong in their relationship? Does he use derogatory terms when talking about her?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

He curses and insults you. But he is "sensible" towards a cheater? 



NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> No, she cheated on him and left him for another guy. He doesn't and never has bad mouthed her. He's actually quite sensible towards her even when the kids complain about her.
> 
> My family is indifferent towards him.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

So i called him n told him:

I have realized that i am being abused mentally and emotionally. U have relied on my feelings for u to keep me around no matter what u do. N they have. I've let u walk all over me in exchange for your love n attention. I understand i am not perfect n by no means am i saying that i am. But who is? I don't leave u everytime u say something mean to me or hurt me. N believe me, u do it more than i have ever let u know. I don't expect my husband to go out to strip clubs and bars , that's not why i got married. I got married to have a stable, loving home and have a loving family. I do everything in the house n pay everything which puts you at ease to not do anything at all n be responsible. U barely contribute financially. U make more than me yet I pay most of the bills, if not all, most months. Its like you have two personalities, the one that cares n acts loving n the one I've come to get more familiar with n the one i hate. The one that says i have to do everything n say everything u want me to or else . I've had a fear of losing you n that's what kept me here putting up with all of this. I realize i have to get over that fear n am starting counseling this week to help. I deserve a relationship where I'm not the only one giving my all, but we both are. A relationship where i feel secure and safe and loved ALL the time. I deserve. A relationship where my efforts to look good n please r appreciated ALL the time. 

I've nursed you, I've cared for you, I've loved u like no one else has. N maybe that's my greatest fault. That love was taken advantage of instead of cherished. From day one.

Now, what happens from here on out is your choice. U can say im a drama queen like u always do n pretend there's nothing wrong n u r completely justified. You can sit n argue that u want to go out n do whatever u want when u want n talk to strippers. Or you can try to save our marriage by growing up n being responsible n considering my feelings n honoring your marriage vows. As for me, I'm staying elsewhere for the time being.



I was very calm as i was reading it n i asked him to not interrupt me, which he.didn't. After, he said he wants to fix things but that we have*never been able to because i have resentment towards him ever.since he first messed up. He says we need a fresh start but we cannot bcuz I'm too hurt n hold that bitterness. I suggested counseling n he shot it down. He asked if i'll be home today n i said no. He pointed out n said "that's what i mean". I told him i always stay n go back n I'm not going to. That's the end of the conversation, he had to go back to work. I don't plan on calling him. What now? I feel guilty of course that I'm leaving.his kids will be with us today.. well at our house n they'll wonder where I am and why...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Weird huh. They broke up 11 years ago. They had kids really young. He was 19, she was 18. She left him alone with the kids when the oldest was 2




Memento said:


> He curses and insults you. But he is "sensible" towards a cheater?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

You asked how to keep yourself away from him....turn off your phone. I find myself looking at mine constantly to see if STBXH is texting me. I can't turn it off most of the time in case something happens with my children but when I am with them, I don't look at it much, I am busy. Turn off the stupid phone, leave it in your car and go do something. Go hiking, for a walk, join Meetup.com, use this time to find YOU.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> Right now, this is my plan:
> - go to counseling
> -Stop paying the house bills (I'm hoping the lights get cut off... i asked him a while ago to take over the finances, he said yes but hasn't done a thing)
> - Staying at a hotel for now. Hoping to find something more stable
> ...


I like you plan and think its a good place to start.
Thank your lucky stars that you don't have any kids for this man!

Yes,
It will be hard, but when you're finally free you would be able to look back from where you came , and it will give you strength to face the other challenges.
Most of all , as long as you work on yourself, build your self esteem ,and grow stronger, you will be better able to choose the type of man you want in your life.

Who knows, later on you might be able to help some other woman in a similar situation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like he feels you have the problem and not him. It obviously takes two to make a marriage work. If he won't agree to counseling or to make a major effort then you may need to tell him you can't continue the way things are. And mean it.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> Ty so much. What did u do to build your self esteem? How do u cope when he leaves? What do u do to keep yourself from calling? This last time i went to the mall and also watched a movie by myself. But it took alot to keep still and i kept looking at my phone. I didn't call him but he didn't call me. Instead, he said he thought it was great that i wasn't blowing him up n gave him space.
> 
> 
> To build my self esteem I have done lots of things, made new friends for a start. I need people in my life that are a positive influence and I have denied myself this for a long time. I have focused on HIM, my kids, my career so much that I lost me somewhere in there.
> ...


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