# Want to know of a guy's opinion about shouting at wife in front of others



## whatshdido (Jun 27, 2014)

I want to get your thoughts and opinion about an argument between me and my husband last night. Looks like it was quite a stressful day for him at work. On top of this I tried to spoil his mood on our way back home. This made him to sit in a really fowl mood last evening. We have a live - in nanny at home to care for our little one. Once we were done with the dinner, my husband boiled a kettle of water which he normally uses to fill my daughter's bottle and fill two bottles for us to drink over night. As always last night he filled the water for my daughter's bottle and went in to fetch our bottles from the room. Our nanny thought that the water will not be used and poured the remaining hot water in the kettle to the sink. This has happened once last week and is happening again yesterday. 


On seeing the water poured off from the kettle, he started shouting at me, asking if he was a fool to leave the water in there without a purpose. He went on to shout in front of her saying I am a stupid and I am being foolish. He shouted at the top of his voice. I maintained my calm until he uttered three sentences. Then I told him in a very low voice not to shout. His temper increased and he shouted saying that he will pour the hot water in my face. I stopped right there, finished my chores for the night and walked into the bedroom. All these coversations happened in our mother tongue which means that the nanny only knows that my husband is shouting at me and not sure about the reason. To me, the above reason does not warrant a shouting saga. I would have refilled the kettle and reboiled it and told my nanny not to do this again. This is a simple and easy way to tackle the issue. 


I sat down calm for a while (cried in the due course) and told him that what he did was not right. He again raised his voice saying that we (myself and my nanny) are being fools. We do not have common sense (common sense to know that the water is left in the kettle for a reason). He says its tough to live in the midst of foolish people. (I always agree that he is quite logical and expects that everyone who live with him should be logical too) I lost my cool then and started shouting and that followed by a big drama. 


Now, here is my question. How do you ladies feel when your partner shouts at you in front of others? This is not the first time that has happened for me. He has shouted at me in front of my mother, MIL, car driver, in the shop sometimes raising his voice and sometimes using foul language. I feel humiliated and I go suicidal during such happenings. He says that the humiliation I face during such shouting dramas is no different than the humiliation he faces when we both fight and I shout at him within a closed door. He fails to understand that he is causing me permanent damage to my emotional strength making me feel little in front of everyone. (Please Note: I am termed as a confident person by my work colleagues and friends)


He is a short tempered guy. Any small things could tip him off. Me on the other hand is not a saint either. Sometimes I try to test his boundaries. Having said this, he is not bad. He does not do this to make me feel bad. He does this only when his temper is uncontrollable. I know he has issues with his temper which he fails to acknowledge. Even if he acknowledges, he does not want to work towards it. He says I am being too emotional and making it a big hue and cry for something as simple as he shouting at me in front of everyone. 


I want to know if I am exaggerating something which is common in every family


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

He sounds like a petulant child to me. Uncontrollable by definition means unable to be controlled. Since your brain controls the actions of your mouth; this is horse****. With the exception of mental disease that is. He is not showing basic human respect. My advice is to call him on the carpet every time he does it and find out if he is trainable.


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

Stonewall said:


> He sounds like a petulant child to me. Uncontrollable by definition means unable to be controlled. Since your brain controls the actions of your mouth; this is horse****. With the exception of mental disease that is. He is not showing basic human respect. My advice is to call him on the carpet every time he does it and find out if he is trainable.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm not a lady, as you're obviously in the men's section, but I'll answer anyways. 

Whether he is acting like a child or he is over-stressed to the point where he's lost control of himself, do as Stonewall suggests, call him our on it. Angry outbursts are disrespectful and damaging, if he needs help with what is stressing him, he should find it in constructive ways, rather than take it out n his household. 

You may want to wait for a calmer moment to speak to him, but do not let yourself or family be the brunt of his misplaced anger.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

It seems like both of you could use a little more control and general politeness toward each other. Passion is fine in a marriage but screaming at each other and purposefully pushing each others buttons seems disrespectful to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

whatshdido said:


> I want to get your thoughts and opinion about an argument between me and my husband last night. Looks like it was quite a stressful day for him at work. On top of this I tried to spoil his mood on our way back home. What did you do? This made him to sit in a really fowl mood last evening. We have a live - in nanny at home to care for our little one. Once we were done with the dinner, my husband boiled a kettle of water which he normally uses to fill my daughter's bottle and fill two bottles for us to drink over night. As always last night he filled the water for my daughter's bottle and went in to fetch our bottles from the room. Our nanny thought that the water will not be used and poured the remaining hot water in the kettle to the sink. This has happened once last week and is happening again yesterday.
> 
> 
> On seeing the water poured off from the kettle, he started shouting at me, asking if he was a fool to leave the water in there without a purpose. He went on to shout in front of her saying I am a stupid and I am being foolish. He shouted at the top of his voice. I maintained my calm until he uttered three sentences. Then I told him in a very low voice not to shout.When a person is aggressive, responding with aggression will just escalate things. His temper increased and he shouted saying that he will pour the hot water in my face. Definitely wrong. I stopped right there, finished my chores for the night and walked into the bedroom. All these coversations happened in our mother tongue which means that the nanny only knows that my husband is shouting at me and not sure about the reason. To me, the above reason does not warrant a shouting saga. I would have refilled the kettle and reboiled it and told my nanny not to do this again. This is a simple and easy way to tackle the issue. Are you in India? We used to live there, and the women seemed to direct the female servants more than the men.
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Shouting at each other in general is lousy communication, and you both need to work on that. The fact that he does it in front of other people is maybe a bit more of an issue, but I don't see that as the real problem. 

Speaking as a guy...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Wow...shouting to humiliate.

He threatened to pour hot water in your face?

This type of behavior isn't acceptable by anyone, let alone your husband.

It sounds like he has something else going on that is causing him to have and justify such outbursts. Possible bipolar or borderline?

I don't get why he shouted at you when it was your nanny that poured out the water. How can that be justified or logical to any sane mind?

I think he needs some IC to sort out his anger issues, as well as his disrespect toward you.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think she is from another country.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

If anyone shouts, it makes me uncomfortable.

If anyone shouts in anger at me, it makes me very upset and I don't want to be around them.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

whatshdido said:


> I want to get your thoughts and opinion about an argument between me and my husband last night. Looks like it was quite a stressful day for him at work. *On top of this I tried to spoil his mood on our way back home.* This made him to sit in a really fowl mood last evening. We have a live - in nanny at home to care for our little one. Once we were done with the dinner, my husband boiled a kettle of water which he normally uses to fill my daughter's bottle and fill two bottles for us to drink over night. As always last night he filled the water for my daughter's bottle and went in to fetch our bottles from the room. Our nanny thought that the water will not be used and poured the remaining hot water in the kettle to the sink. This has happened once last week and is happening again yesterday.
> 
> 
> On seeing the water poured off from the kettle, he started shouting at me, asking if he was a fool to leave the water in there without a purpose. He went on to shout in front of her saying I am a stupid and I am being foolish. He shouted at the top of his voice. I maintained my calm until he uttered three sentences. Then I told him in a very low voice not to shout.* His temper increased and he shouted saying that he will pour the hot water in my face.* I stopped right there, finished my chores for the night and walked into the bedroom. All these coversations happened in our mother tongue which means that the nanny only knows that my husband is shouting at me and not sure about the reason. To me, the above reason does not warrant a shouting saga. I would have refilled the kettle and reboiled it and told my nanny not to do this again. This is a simple and easy way to tackle the issue.
> ...


So you are known to purposely try to trigger his anger, and you are surprised when he assumes that other things done around the house were specifically done to annoy him?

Of course, this doesn't give him the right to heap verbal abuse on you and threaten you with physical abuse.

Maybe it's a cultural difference, I don't know, but to me it sounds like you are both in the wrong. Respectful, loving, couples do not treat each other this way. You are in a mutually abusive relationship, in which both of you need to change and adapt or it will destroy you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

whatshdido said:


> On top of this I tried to spoil his mood on our way back home.


You tried, and I might add succeeded, to spoil his mood. What you experienced was the result of your efforts. Congratulations, you were successful in getting what you attempted to get. If you want something different, then try to improve his mood instead.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

WOM it sounds like english may be a second language for her and she didn't mean she tried to spoil his mood, she meant that is what he accused her of. Her message doesn't make sense otherwise.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ah I see. Well that puts a different spin in it. If she's not provoking it then he needs to learn some self control and grow up.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Both of you seem to treat your relationship unhealthy. You both need counseling ASAP.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

In front of others or in private...unacceptable. To me anyway.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband never yells at me. Ever.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

What do you want advice on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't tolerate people shouting at me, and most certainly wouldn't tolerate a partner doing so.

When he's calm, talk to him and suggest anger management / counseling. Also, as his tirades make you feel suicidal, you might consider counseling for yourself.


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