# need some words of wisdom



## littlemama (Mar 31, 2013)

So my story, and I will try to be brief, haha married to my husband 8 years been together 12. We have 2 beautiful kids, 8 and 5. We have had our issues and he moved out in January. He left/I kicked him out bc I saw emails between him and a girl he worked with and they were obviously getting together. He has always, to this day denied any relationship with this girl but when he left it is like he never looked back. Started treating me like a stranger..no contact, still to this day he never initiates contact with me or the kids My kids cry for him every night asking when he will return, they think he is at work. He want them to think he is at work so that is what i say. I have always been a strong woman, but this situation has made me feel like a lunatic and has worn me down emotionally and physically. I know the advice I would give to someone else in my situation and I cannot follow any of it, which has def made the situation worse from the beginning. I cannot get my heart to believe my mind. My heart won't shut up. Since I know what i should do I tried to get him to sign a separation agreement, which he refuses and I cannot afford a divorce. Been to many and the retainer alone is outrageous. I am 110% sure he is and has been with the girl (who is 13 years younger and he used to work with) I say used to bc he lost that job. Lucky for me and the kids he did find another one, but not sure how long it will last bc winter can be slow in his line of work. Anyway, he will not admit to this girl, will not come home, wont agree to a divorce. I went through a stage of asking him to come home, asking him to spend time with the kids but it has been 9 months! i no longer cry everyday, maybe once a month. My problem is I cannot get my heart to catch up to my head. I cannot get my sh*& together enough to get on with my life. This is not like me. I feel like if he didn't lie about her he wouldn't have to lie about everything else and we could have a decent conversation and get a routine down for the kids and maybe split a mediator for a divorce. I do not understand why after these last 9 months this bs is still happening! you'd think hed at least say Im done, Im not coming home but he says everything he is doing is for me and the kids. Just give it time it will work out. I just want out from under his thumb. We had bought a house together which me and the kids are living in...not sure if I should move out? might help me get away from it all but will hurt me financially so it really isn't an option for me. Im just confused and still so hurt and just wish i was dealing with the reasonable guy that I married instead of this person I no longer really know, was like he flipped on a dime. i wish the new him was improved instead of douched...having a hard time coping with him, the reality of it all, of being a single mom and working full time. I am doing it all but none of it very well.

And I get wrapped up in why this girl thinks it is okay to be with a married man who is now ignoring his children?! how can she respect him for doing this? it boggles my mind!


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## sapphire1 (Sep 24, 2013)

He won't admit it because he knows it will be over and you'll have something on him. To me it seems like he is doing his best to control you and the situation. 

You will never get closure from him. Ever. Voluntarily anyways. I never got closure from my 1st XH....not until I was out of the emotional tornado I was in and was able to look back and then gather information that later came to me.

Actions speak louder than words....saying "I'm doing this for you and the kids" doesn't really mean anything unless he is actually doing something. Maybe just take his words with a grain of salt until he he actually starts acting on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littlemama (Mar 31, 2013)

i deleted him from my phone. I am not going to contact him so that the kids can talk to him. I am done. Since I can't afford divorce I suppose I will just save for it.
Wish me luck with NC, i have tried in the past and have not done such a good job. Though I KNOW I will be happier if I do not contact him or worry about him.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I had to get a signature loan for my divorce. Really didnt have a choice though as my wife filed.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You have to make up your mind do you want him back or dont you. It seems he denies the relationship and wont come back until you agree to that. I can see his point. You may be a strong woman but he certainly is calling the shots.


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## littlemama (Mar 31, 2013)

accept1 said:


> You have to make up your mind do you want him back or dont you. It seems he denies the relationship and wont come back until you agree to that. I can see his point. You may be a strong woman but he certainly is calling the shots.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littlemama (Mar 31, 2013)

I've had a moment of clarity which I hope sticks around for more than 24hrs. If he doesn't want to be a husband and father I can't make him and its not a regret I have to carry. I tried a million different things to get him to come home and then I tried to encourage him not to loose touch with the kids. If he cared about any of us he would behave as such. I can't make him, sadly I probably tried too hard. I think deleting him from my phone was the best thing I did for myself. I have had no urge to contact him and I feel better, at least for now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He's certainly wrong to not see or call his kids - no question about that. Other than that, you kicked him out, and it's not clear that he actually had an affair. I don't know if he was or not, but if he wasn't, he'd may well be too angry to want to fix things with you.


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## littlemama (Mar 31, 2013)

He was and is totally having an affair, friends have confirmed, so not sure why he won't just own up so that he can spend time with the kids. It has been 9 months since he moved out and he has been with her about a year so at this point if he is happier he is happier. I would like him to admit it so he doesn't have to constantly cover up his life with lies and so the kids don't suffer. 
I am sure I have made him super agry as he has me, noone is innocent I do realize that. I could have approach this situation in a MUCH different way from the beginning. It is funny how you think you will behave one way and then when in the situation act very differently. The whole things sux and it is what it is at this point. Him and I are almost insignificant at this point and I just don't want them to lose their father. He acts as though we dated for 2 months and the kids aren't his. It is very strange and hard to cope with.


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## littlemama (Mar 31, 2013)

for me its hard. The kids cry for him almost daily, ask where he is and why he won't come home, ask if he still loves them etc. It is heartbreaking, I told him this was going on and he told me I was manipulating him, which was not my intention at all, and so I stopped relaying information about how the situation is effecting them. Thought he would want to know, told him I was only telling him so we could communicate more effectively with them, at least the 8 year old. He insist that they believe he is at work. I think this could be damaging in the long run and I am worried they will think I am a liar in a few years when they realize the truth.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

I think you need to tell the kids the truth in a way that each will understand. I would say that daddy and you have decided to live separately because you both want to work on being happy. It's very important to explain that this is not their fault, that there's nothing they could do or say to change things. And emphasize that daddy loves them very much although he's not doing a good job at showing it right now. 

The most important thing is not to bad mouth him and to make sure the kids feel loved and secure. And allow them to express how they feel. It's okay for them to be sad or angry about what's going on. Teach them how to express those feelings in a constructive way. 

Try to bring joy and laughter into their life as much as possible. They are in the middle of a difficult situation and they may feel powerless. Maybe you can have them keep a journal for their dad. So if they can't talk to him they can still feel like they are sharing with him. Even if it's just drawing pictures. Some day your ex will appreciate his kids. How long is unknown. But it will happen.


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