# can anyone please help me



## sandybeach (Feb 20, 2012)

I have been married for 10 years and we have one child together. recently i met someone and started an affair. this has been going on for a month and i have never and would never imagine that i would be in this situation. we both are married and agreed that it would be better to end all contact with one another, that lasted about 2 days. I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong how can i get over this and move on?


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you are serious then confess EVERYTHING to your husband and inform the OMW (Other Man's Wife) about the affair. If you don't then it will continue until you are discovered and then your chances of saving your marriage will go down to zero.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Tell your husband immediately. He is your best solution for protecting your marriage vows.

Stop seeing this intruder.

So you're scared how your husband will react and the impact of your behavior on your child?

Suck it up and live in the truth .

You have to realize that this crapload of emotion is brought on by yourself, you are not a victim here.

Do what it takes going forward to protect your family.

Screwing some married guy only helps ruin your family and his.

No contact with him--period.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sandybeach said:


> I have been married for 10 years and we have one child together. recently i met someone and started an affair. this has been going on for a month and i have never and would never imagine that i would be in this situation. we both are married and agreed that it would be better to end all contact with one another, that lasted about 2 days. I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong how can i get over this and move on?


You are in what is called an affair fog. Right now your brain is saturated with Dopamine from the excitement and newness of the affair. BTW, dopamine is the same chemical released when you do cocaine. You are living a fantasy. There is no reality in your affair. The only way to successfully end an affair is to have complete no contact with your affair partner. You also need to confess your affair to your husband. He needs to know so that he can decide if he wants to stay with you. If you don't tell him he WILL eventually find out and the deception will probably kill your marriage faster than the affair. Telling your husband will also bring the affair out in the open. Affairs only survive in secrecy. Once you shed light on an affair the fantasy is over and the fog begins to lift.

I speak from experience. My wife had an affair. She ended it on her own and came completely clean about it to me. That was 20 years ago and we are planning on recommitting to each other this year.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Confess first. Then this very confession itself will act as a barrier to your affair.


----------



## blisseskisses (Feb 19, 2012)

May I present to you ...A Choose Your Own Adventure entitled I Cheated On My Husband Now What?!? 

You have made a choice and now you must decide your future.

Option 1: You Tell Him

He has two choices confronting him now. Leave you or forgive you. Anything in between does not work. 

A)Let's say, he leaves you.Good news! You are free to roam with more toxic men in between divorce court.

B)The overture of resentment, jealousy, mistrust ,and slammed doors greets you. In phase two your husband may forgive you.

Option 2: You say nothing and continue with the affair or end it.

You end it and let the guilt consume you. You may reason that a horrible error in judgment does not constitute the emotional wreckage it would cause, to him, and your child. You must compartmentalize and move on.

You continue with the affair and wallow in self delusion. Your tryst will be brought to an abrupt end.

Hope you enjoyed!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sit your kid down and explain to then why it's ok for you to cheat on them and end their family. Do it. Then look yourself in the mirror and explan why it's ok to continue you affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

sandybeach said:


> I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong how can i get over this and move on?


I agree with Beo and Blisses on this.

I sounds like you are looking for some magic pill, that can end the affair, make you forget your affair partner, so that you can move on as if nothing ever happened.

Well, guess what. Something has happened. You are living your marriage on a lie. You are denying your spouse his choice whether he wants to live in an one-sided open marriage or not. This betrayal is the worst IMO.

Ask your self how you would think if it were the other way around, and your spouse cheated on you and never told you - how would you feel? Disrespected?

I know this is probably going to scare the s*** out of you, but you need to come clean and tell your spouse and let him decide, what's best for him given your choices. You can't make this undone or go away by itself.

Best luck to you.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Oh, and btw... I see you have three decent choices:

1. End the affair emmediatly, tell your spouse, act remorsefull and hope for him to choose renewal of a monogamous relationship

2. Tell your spouse, suggest an open relationship

3. Leave your spouse and live intoxicated untill reality hits you. You can choose not to tell your spouse about the affair.


----------



## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

Stop your nonsense, and deal with the hell you've created. Or continue, and create an even bigger hell.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

The emotional connection you feel with the OM is not real. I might seem real to you but it isn't because it's based on the OM showing himself in the best light to you. He wants to impress you and you want to impress him. Remember how you felt about your husband when you first met. He was flawless, wasn't he? Then you learned that he leaves the seat up, farts, scratches himself in unmentionable places, and "All Night Long" is really just a Lionel Richie song. The OM isn't any different, he farts too! Reality will set it and it's gonna hit you like a freight train.

Ending the affair is going to take hard work on your side. Tell your husband about it, tell him everything and at once. The entire truth. How, why, when, what, where. Give him passwords to your phone, email account, FB account, bank account, free access to your computer, access to anything and everything that would enable you to remain in contact with the OM. This isn't going to be easy - it's the price you have to pay. You are not getting around it. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can start working on your marriage. Again, you will not get around paying the price for your affair. 

This will accomplish several things:

1. Seeing and experiencing your husband's pain will help jerk you out of your "emotinal connection" with the OM. It won't be pretty but take a good, hard look at it. Use the mental image of your husband's pain every time you feel drawn towards the OM or think of the OM in other than negative ways.
2. Once your husband knows and has been given access to monitor email, FB, phone records etc. it will make it significantly harder, if not impossible for you to stay in contact with the OM. This only works if you give him access to "everything" and if you don't create new ways to stay in contact with the OM. You have to give up all privacy and you need to understand that you don't need privacy from your husband either. There is no room in a marriage for secrets, right?
3. Write a letter to the OM, ending the affair. Do not consider the OM's feelings, don't apologize for ending the affair. Don't show emotions, be precise and clear. No more contact, no more calls, no meetings, no emails, NOTHING! This will create needed distance between you and the OM and it will show your husband that you are indeed ending the affair.
4. Write a letter to the OM's wife. Apologize to her (it will mean nothing to her but it re-affirms "OVER" to the OM as well as yourself). Make it clear that you are ending the affair and have told the OM that there will be no further contact. The OMs wife deserves to know. Again, this will show your husband that you are indeed ending the affair.

You might experience pain and hurt over losing the OM, you might grieve. That's normal but you have to get over it. Every day without contacting the OM, is a step closer to ridding yourself of temptation. If you have to, occupy your mind and time with a new hobby. You are in control of your thoughts! You said you know the affair was wrong, any thoughts about the OM are wrong as well - control these thoughts, don't let them control you!


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Well we now know there is a sandy beach in hell (figuretively speaking, her own choice). I don't think they will be offering her any cool drinks with umbrellas in them though. One day when you realize what you traded your loving family for, you will experience (as called in the bible) the worm that never stops eating. That's the "woulda shoulda coulda" worm. Its the images, thoughts, and consequences of your affair. The pain on the faces of your husband and child will be etched in your mind forever. Your loving husband will become someone you don't know. Flipping between anger and despair. Your child will become different too. He will act out in school and at home. He will enter adolescence more likely to sexualize early (looking for the love he/she lost). Drugs and alcohol to cover the pain. If you read the posts here, you will find that the kids of adulterers expand their vocabularies substantially to describe what their moms have become. Hard to read them, those words are usually edited. But they won't be when your son/daughter calls you them. You know that hot feeling between your legs when you think of the OM? When you have realized that you have lost everything, it will probably subside, or maybe disappear all together. 

And just to let you know what advice your husband will receive when/if he comes here....First off, he will be advised to cut you off financially. Why? Because if he can't trust you with your own vagina, how can he trust you with his money? Next comes complete exposure to all family and friends, as well to your studs betrayed wife, this to help him convince you to pull your panties up and come back to the marriage. And that is if you're lucky. Some men would simply cast their adulterous wives and their belongings out the door and not see them till the divorce trial.

Back to your kid for a moment. When he is older, you will have less sway with his/her life decisions. I mean why would he take advice from a liar and a cheater? By then anyway, you could quite possibly be divorced, and your husband might have remarried, maybe a couple of more kids and a new family for him. You will be able to see them on the holidays at family dinners. You won't feel much like introducing new beaus to the family for fear that he will find out that you are more then willing to throw away your (and his) life for the sake of an orgasm. Not a very good reference. 

When your child falls into temptation, he will remember how you responded to temptation, and give in. You have no concept of what you and your betrayed family are in for.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're on a road with a dead end.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

The reason you have a connection with him is because you have something insanely huge in common....you are both cheaters. It isn't anymore deeper than that. About as shallow as a mud puddle I would say. 

The only person(s) that are going to need help are the spouses you two are destroying. Hope it was worth it.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As long as your affair remains a secret between you and the OM, the more likely it is to continue and eventually discovered. Once that happens, the chances of you saving your marriage, if that is what you truly want, will be slim at best.

Right now you have the best opportunity to not only end the affair but by coming clean of your own free will, show your husband that your actions match your words. An opportunity that may not be available for long.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You're on a road with a dead end.


but you can leave that road and change your course. It was your choice to cheat and it is your choice to stop, come clean and try to work things out, if your husband is willing to do so.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Confess to your husband
2. Have you and your husband get tested for STD's. These are the consequences of affairs.
3. Ask yourself how you would be feeling if your husband cheated behind your back like you did to him? Ask yourself what gave you permission to betray your husband and marriage to cheat with a married man?


----------



## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

sandybeach said:


> I feel such an emotional connection with him but i know this is wrong *how can i get over this and move on?*


The honest and direct answer? Grow up. 

I'm not kidding either when I say that. You are a wife and a mother. ACT LIKE BOTH!!

Of course you feel a connection with a guy that is taboo and exciting, and isn't the same man you have been having sex with for so long.

Learn to be able to handle being monogamous, or set your poor husband free from you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think SandyBeach and Gator might be the same troll. Both threads were posted yesterday at around 9:46 tpo 10:30 and Sandy is now 28 hours out on responding to any posts.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

The topic is highly controversial and this isn't the friendliest place around - she might haven just given up seeking help.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its more important that she gets the truth. She will be back when her husband finds out. And he will find out.


----------



## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I agree. Once she he finds out she'll need help though if she's willing to leave her dead end road.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Another case of post and run?


----------



## lostalso (Feb 21, 2012)

There is no easy way to end it, I have been where you are
You have to put it all in perspective what is lacking in your marriage? and decide if it is worth the work it will take to get it back on track.
Also put the other relationship in perspective where do you expect it to go from here, are you ready to be second in this new relationship?
If he is willing to leave his wife, are you sure you are ready to deal with the pain it will cause both sides?
Most of the time the fantasy that the affair provides crumbles, and what is left is broken families.
Sometimes when we rationalize situations and forget are girlish emotions we realize we are fooling are selves.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

YOU are spoken for! HE is spoken for! Both of you have other obligations. His wife probably loves him . You are likely crushing her! Does your husband deserve this? This guy promised his love and loyalty to his wife.... do you think what he says to you is the truth?


----------

