# Marriage, Step kids.. and desire for my own....



## rhosmith77 (Jan 2, 2009)

Ladies, 

My name is Rhonda, and I have sought you out today cause I need advice and support and I hope that maybe someone out there can relate. 

I am 34 years old and I married my husband 3 years ago. I also got two wonderful step children with the package but I am grateful for all my blessing. prior to this marriage, I had never been married before and I don't have any children that are my own. I treat my step kids like I believe I would my own. When we married we always planned to have a child between us, but timing never seems right, I am not sure it ever will... I have this overwelming deisre that is overtaking me to have my own child, but the logical side of me can't figure out how I will be able to pull it all off, both financially, and I work full time and I am heavily involved in my step kids activities that I don't want them to feel anything negative by me having a child... so the logical side of me tells me that my own child is just not a possibility. With this I have these new feeling of jealousy and resentment that have poped up in side of me... I get sad walking by the baby section of walmart.... 

I guess your wondering what my husband thinks about all this.. he tells me that having a baby is up to me... but honestly, I don't feel that he's invested, and rightfully so.. he already has his kids.. he is willing to have a kid to make me happy and that just make me feel selfish and crappy.... Just something that I have to deal with though... 

I honestly don't know what to do.. I have so much hurt, pain, and rage pent up in me... My mother is dead so I don't have her to go to .... I do have friends that I can really talk to about this... 

I am left to reaching out the the world of the internet in hopes to connect with strangers, I feel like I am going crazy, Is there anyone out there that can relate???


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

Hi hon. I can feel your pain thru this post and I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. I am a step mom to two beautiful (now young adult) boys. I have one daughter from a first marriage that was as nightmare. My husband has adopted her ..and although we had a rough go a couple years ago, I can honestly say that our family as a whole is happy now. I desperately wanted to have a baby with my husband however it was not to be. ANYWAY. you think your hubby is not invested. I do not think that at all. saying it is up to you, is telling you, that if you want to have a child he is fine with it. You say that you have two wonderful stepchildren. tells ME that he must be a pretty good dad. Good dads do not pick and choose their kids. I am guessing that maybe it is not top priority to your hubby, BUT that being said he would welcome another child. If he didnt want one, do you feel he could honestly say so? I ask you to think about this,, he has had kids..the newness has worn off, he sounds like he would welcome another one, but you are worried about his lack of "enthusiasm"? well..he has been there..done that...

Personally I feel if it is that important to you, and he is a good dad already anyway.. GO FOR IT HUN. 

STOP worrying. You have a husband who LOVES you..and he is a proven good dad!! Your other kids from his first marriage will adjust!! it is part of being a family!! 

Rhonda I wish you the best. You sound like an awesome mom to your chosen kids..do yourself and your future child a favour and allow yourself to just DO IT!!!

Lynn


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

donewithit said:


> Hi hon. I can feel your pain thru this post and I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are not alone. I am a step mom to two beautiful (now young adult) boys. I have one daughter from a first marriage that was as nightmare. My husband has adopted her ..and although we had a rough go a couple years ago, I can honestly say that our family as a whole is happy now. I desperately wanted to have a baby with my husband however it was not to be. ANYWAY. you think your hubby is not invested. I do not think that at all. saying it is up to you, is telling you, that if you want to have a child he is fine with it. You say that you have two wonderful stepchildren. tells ME that he must be a pretty good dad. Good dads do not pick and choose their kids. I am guessing that maybe it is not top priority to your hubby, BUT that being said he would welcome another child. If he didnt want one, do you feel he could honestly say so? I ask you to think about this,, he has had kids..the newness has worn off, he sounds like he would welcome another one, but you are worried about his lack of "enthusiasm"? well..he has been there..done that...
> 
> Personally I feel if it is that important to you, and he is a good dad already anyway.. GO FOR IT HUN.
> 
> ...


I echo 'just go for it'. My kids are 5 months to 19 years (4 kids - 2 older 1st marriage - 2 younger). The older kids ADORE their baby brothers. Nothing will bond your family more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

ooops.. reading back i think i should clarify some things...

our daughter was not the nightmare..my first husband was.

the rough go was my fault..no one elses...

just wanted to clear that up. sorry lol


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Aww darling - there is no such thing a the 'perfect' time to get pregnant. A lot can change over 9 months to make what seems 'perfect' not be. Don't worry about the job and the kids activities. Other women have figured out how to handle all those things and make it work. A baby can be strapped in a backpack (or baby sling if you prefer) and go to those same activities. If you want to continue working full time - there is day care - if not, talk to your husband about staying home OR working from home or going to half time if your work can have that type of set up. If your husband wasn't open to this he would of just said no - not that it was up to you. Your right, he does have children and I think he wants to leave the final decision to you if you would like a child of your own and not press it upon you. 

If you want to have a baby - grab your hubby and head to the bedroom!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Okay so I'm not a stepmom but I still know these feelings. By the time I was 37 I had 2 kids but found myself longing for one more. Crazy huh? Dh was sort of on board - he left it up to me. He didn't say no either so we got lax with the birth control. Surprise I got pregnant right away. He was a bit shocked at first but got over it and we welcomed our third when I was 39 years old. She's 5 now and we both just are so happy to have her. We talk about it all the time how we can't imagine life without her.

So I say go for it!! You won't regret it.


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## rhosmith77 (Jan 2, 2009)

Thanks you guys you have really helped put me at ease.... I feel better..... Its crazy that I don't know you guys but I feel that you care... thank you for taking the time to respond... it means so much... I think I am going to go for it!!!  :smthumbup:


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

rhosmith77 said:


> Thanks you guys you have really helped put me at ease.... I feel better..... Its crazy that I don't know you guys but I feel that you care... thank you for taking the time to respond... it means so much... I think I am going to go for it!!!  :smthumbup:



Yayy, I was reading the posts and ready to respond when I saw this. I think you have made a good decision. This is better than living with the regret of not ever having a child of your own. :smthumbup:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I disagree with the other posters. He is tossing having a baby as "being up to you" and your decision? Having a baby isn't a "whatever you want" moment. It is a lifetime commitment that will impact everything. 
There is no right time to have a baby. I got knocked up at 21 and in college by my now husband. It was tough to say the very least but knowing we both were on board with bringing this child in to world made it easier. Yes, we had a choice but not one we could live with.
You are married. You have a life together and yet he is leaving this up to you? 
Can I ask how you met/became a couple?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I disagree with the other posters. He is tossing having a baby as "being up to you" and your decision? Having a baby isn't a "whatever you want" moment. It is a lifetime commitment that will impact everything.
> There is no right time to have a baby. I got knocked up at 21 and in college by my now husband. It was tough to say the very least but knowing we both were on board with bringing this child in to world made it easier. Yes, we had a choice but not one we could live with.
> You are married. You have a life together and yet he is leaving this up to you?
> Can I ask how you met/became a couple?


There is a difference between getting knocked up in college and being settled and supporting a family. OP said he's great dad. His 'up to you' sounds supportive not dismissive to me. OP sounds mature and loving. Why not? If we all thought every possibility through we'd all be too scared to ever have kids, Or get married, Or choose a career, Or buy a house... Life is full of chances. I bundle two babies up to go watch older son's hockey. We drive him to work together. Some people think they are my older daughter's kids. She thinks it's a hoot. She knows she wants to be a mom someday because of the little monsters. My older son calls them chick magnets. I think OP was more worried about logistics and acceptance from older kids rather than H's support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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