# Need advice on 18 year marriage



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone, been lurking on here for a while and finally plucked up the courage to post.

Will try and keep it breif!

Been married for 18 years and have 3 children. We have gone through the usual marriage ups and downs but have managed to stay connected and "in love" for the most part. I love my husband deeply and have never imagined a life without him.

So 3 months ago i discovered he has been txtin a co worker. 40 times a day at times over a period of about 6 weeks. I think i caught it before it became anything else. So we have been through the whole range of emotions, upset, heartache, anger, denial, the whole lot.

I am willing to get past this and put it in perspective and realise that one "gliche" in 18 years doesnt have to mean the end of everything we have. The probelm is my DH doesnt seem to be able to do that! He has always had very high morals about infidelity and he is struggling to forgive himself and move on. He feels the hurt he has caused me is unforgivable and that there is no way we can get past it. He is also telling me that he doesnt feel the sane way about me anymore. That he care deeply for me but his feelings have changed. He hasnt told me he loves me for 2 months and its killing me.

I just dont know what to do. Do i just wait to see if he will ever love me again? And if so, how long do I wait? He doesnt want to move out and I dont want him too but I wonder if it would be the best thing to do to make him realise what he has to lose! I just dont know. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I just want my loving, attentive husband back but Im so scared hes gone for ever. 

Any advice would be very much apreciated x


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi you poor thing, 18 years is a long time to invest and also a long time in general. It sounds like he is a good man but maybe have come to a halt in some ways , maybe councelling is a way forward if you both want to save your marriage. Have you suggested anything like this ??


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi, thanks for replying,

He is a good man and has always been loving and caring and a good father and this is why my world has just been turned upside down.

I have suggested MC but he has refused. He has become very withdrawn and has almost shut down and its heartbreaking for us both. We used to talk to each other for hours, now I can barely get a few words out of him!

We have been toether since he was 21. Very young I know. Hes 40 nest year!! Some have suggested its a mid life crisis, but us that just an excuse? 

I am lucky to have wonderful friends around me who have been very supportive of us, but he wont speak to anyone about it.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi, thanks for replying,
> 
> He is a good man and has always been loving and caring and a good father and this is why my world has just been turned upside down.
> 
> ...


Be careful. This situation is all too familiar. Caught, then while seeming remorseful on the surface (I'm bad guy, I don't deserve you), failing to do the things that could repair the relationship (counseling, transparency - the ACTUAL work and accountability) to fix things.
He should be kissing your butt doing anything you ask. It's about your feelings, not his and until it reaches that point, he's probably self-loathing because it's deeper than you realize. My opinion, lay out on the table what YOU need to continue. He can't meet that, then you tell him to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Has he ended contact with the OW? 

Anytime I read "I don't know how I feel about you" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you" it kind of is code for "I'm still hung up on the other dude/chick".


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He works with her. They are both teachers in a small community school. We are on school holidays at the moment. As far as i know he hasnt txted her since the begining of june. I know there is a chance he could have a secret mobile phone but if we are to move on then i have to trust him.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Be careful. This situation is all too familiar. Caught, then while seeming remorseful on the surface (I'm bad guy, I don't deserve you), failing to do the things that could repair the relationship (counseling, transparency - the ACTUAL work and accountability) to fix things.
> He should be kissing your butt doing anything you ask. It's about your feelings, not his and until it reaches that point, he's probably self-loathing because it's deeper than you realize. My opinion, lay out on the table what YOU need to continue. He can't meet that, then you tell him to leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know you are right. but up until this point i have been too afraid to push him for answers as i didnt want him to leave. My feelings are slowly changing. I still love him desperately but cant live with someone who doesnt love me.

He totallly denies a PA but has admitted that he got too close to her. He says he has no feelings for her and doesnt want to be with her.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He has taken our daughter camping for a few nights so its given me a bit of space to think about what i want. Im scared to ask him to leave. The children will be devastated, so will I, but I am begining to think it is the only answer!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If he's not willing to work on the problems, then you have two choices, in my opinion. Tolerate the situation or leave it. 

Why won't he work on things? What reasons does he give for not wanting to go to counseling? And if I was you, simply trusting him to not get in touch with her and continuing on with your life would not be an option. You both have to work on the issues that put him in a mindset to begin that relationship. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before you're back.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

PBear said:


> If he's not willing to work on the problems, then you have two choices, in my opinion. Tolerate the situation or leave it.
> 
> Why won't he work on things? What reasons does he give for not wanting to go to counseling? And if I was you, simply trusting him to not get in touch with her and continuing on with your life would not be an option. You both have to work on the issues that put him in a mindset to begin that relationship. Otherwise it's just a matter of time before you're back.
> 
> ...


He says he doesnt want to talk to anyone about whats going on especially someone whose just there to make money out of us!!

He is trying in his own way. I think this has been bery difficult for him too. Neither of us ever imagined this would happen and i think its taken us both by suprise. He treats me well and looks after me, he does his share around the house and with the kids. We are even enjoying a good sex life again, which. i suppose is all the more confusing for me. He is definately more distant though, and he has gone from being very tactile and touchy feely with me to being, at times, very distant and withdrawn. Any physical contact between us is now initiated by me.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I am willing to move on. So why isnt he? He says he has no feelings for her and that he doesnt want to be with her. He has also said this "frienship" has nothing to do with the way he feels about me and that he hasnt felt the same way about me for months. Why didnt i see the signs? We have had a lot going on in the last 6 months andI hate myself for not putting my marriage first. Im so scared that its too late.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He treats me well and looks after me, he does his share around the house and with the kids. We are even enjoying a good sex life again, which. i suppose is all the more confusing for me. He is definately more distant though, and he has gone from being very tactile and touchy feely with me to being, at times, very distant and withdrawn. Any physical contact between us is now initiated by me.


I think he's hurt and embarrassed and confused. However, this sounds like a relationship worth salvaging.

If he won't go to a MC, then cut out the middle man and demand an hour of one on one no holds barred discussions per week where you each bare your soul and try to work out the issues.

Are you at the point of no return now? That doesn't seem clear. If not I think you should make sure you do everything you can to ensure your marriage works before quitting.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Cross said:


> I think he's hurt and embarrassed and confused. However, this sounds like a relationship worth salvaging.
> 
> If he won't go to a MC, then cut out the middle man and demand an hour of one on one no holds barred discussions per week where you each bare your soul and try to work out the issues.
> 
> Are you at the point of no return now? That doesn't seem clear. If not I think you should make sure you do everything you can to ensure your marriage works before quitting.


Thankyou
No i am not at the point of no return as I still love him deeply and truly believe we can move forward. We have too much to lose. 

Yes he is feeling vert guilty and embarrased. When I initially found out about the txting he became very angry and defensive, but that passed quickly and for about 3 weeks he couldnt even look me in the face. I had to literally hold his face in my hands to get him to talk to me. On 3 or 4 occassions i have found him lying upstairs in our daughters room sobbing. I know he is sorry.

So what should i do? How can i help him? He seems depressed, cant sleep and is tired all the time. He wont go to the Dr though.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just to mention, i found out about the txting because he had locked his phone and i became a bit suspisious. His mobile phone contract is in MY name and i have never checked up on him before, but when i looked at the bill online the time and date of the txts were itemised. over a 5 or 6 week period he as txting her arounf 30 to 40 times a day.

I take some solace in this though as everytime he was away from me, he was txting her, so at least he wasnt having sex with her!


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So what should i do? How can i help him? He seems depressed, cant sleep and is tired all the time. He wont go to the Dr though.


His interactions and texting with this girl were new, exciting, and fun. When you discovered it he stopped since he knew it was wrong, and now he's coming off the 'high' of the relationship with this girl. Thus the depression.

Force him to make a decision. He was emotionally involved with another woman. Regardless of if he slept with her, what he did was wrong and he needs to close it. Let him also know you'll work harder and do what it takes to give him more excitement.

Let him know you are there if he wants to play. Text him something provocative and out of the norm. Try and shake things up. 

Relationships are tough things and it seems you guys love each other. What it sounds like is a few sparks and some work would make things work again, if the trust still remains.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I understand what you are saying about him coming of a high from the relationship and i think i am trying to give him the space to recover from it, even though its really tough.

I am really trying to forgive him and trust him again, and i know this is going to take time. His "behaviour" has returned to pre texting mode and i know for sure he hasnt met up with her since the school hols has started as he is very rarely away from the house and i dont actually think they ever met outside of work to be honest. Im hoping the sumer break will be enough for him to get her out of his system.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I understand what you are saying about him coming of a high from the relationship and i think i am trying to give him the space to recover from it, even though its really tough.
> 
> I am really trying to forgive him and trust him again, and i know this is going to take time. His "behaviour" has returned to pre texting mode and i know for sure he hasnt met up with her since the school hols has started as he is very rarely away from the house and i dont actually think they ever met outside of work to be honest. Im hoping the sumer break will be enough for him to get her out of his system.


Read LonelyNLost's post on her H needing 5 days away. Something tweaks me the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Read LonelyNLost's post on her H needing 5 days away. Something tweaks me the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Any chance you can tel me how to find it or post a link please?
Thanks x


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi everyone, been lurking on here for a while and finally plucked up the courage to post.
> 
> Will try and keep it breif!
> 
> ...


Yep. That was me. I forgave myself to a point but it took me umteen years to toally let it go. It shook me up. It took my wife to tell me that she had forgiven me a long time ago and that I needed to forgive myself completely. I had to do this to be the husband she needed me to be. I had forgiven myself to a point a long time ago but was not fully back until my wife and I talked it out.

I went NC, went through withdrawal and only then did I realize it was an affair. Up until then I was still, we were jus friends.

I can say that my marriage is stronger today than before that time. We got through it. I am the wiser for it and have set boundaries to help me not do that again.

He must not work with her any more. Period. No compromise.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

The summer break won't be enough to get her out of his system. 

Just be careful and make sure he is truly in a NC with the OW.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Be careful. This situation is all too familiar. Caught, then while seeming remorseful on the surface (I'm bad guy, I don't deserve you), failing to do the things that could repair the relationship (counseling, transparency - the ACTUAL work and accountability) to fix things.
> He should be kissing your butt doing anything you ask. It's about your feelings, not his and until it reaches that point, he's probably self-loathing because it's deeper than you realize. My opinion, lay out on the table what YOU need to continue. He can't meet that, then you tell him to leave.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Any chance you can tel me how to find it or post a link please?
> Thanks x


Hope this works
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/22222-my-h-needs-5-days-away-find-himself-how-do-i-proceed.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks all. Ive just read the whole of ^^^^ the thread and now feel thouroughly miserable. Was sure before that my husband is not in contact with OW but now dont know what to think.

I just feel thouroughly miserable with the whole situation.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yep. That was me. I forgave myself to a point but it took me umteen years to toally let it go. It shook me up. It took my wife to tell me that she had forgiven me a long time ago and that I needed to forgive myself completely. I had to do this to be the husband she needed me to be. I had forgiven myself to a point a long time ago but was not fully back until my wife and I talked it out.
> 
> I went NC, went through withdrawal and only then did I realize it was an affair. Up until then I was still, we were jus friends.
> 
> ...


I have told him that I am willing to forgive him but that he must first forgve himself if we are to move forward. I told him he must accept what he has done and get over it then there is a chance we can move forward.

There is no way he can leave his job but I am thinking about contacting the school is Sept and letting the head know what has gone on. I just dont want to jeopardise his job. And its kiling me knowing that they are going to be back in work together in September. I work away from home 3 nights during the week, i have been off sick for 6 weeks as I have felt unable to cope in work, knowing that he was txtin her while i was away at work at night has really devastated me.

I love him so much. Im just so very confused!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

So hes due back from camping today with our daughter. Had very little contact with him, just a few polite txt messages.
We are supposed to be going out with 6 friends tonight for a pre arranged event. I txt him this morning to ask if he was still coming as i need to arrange a babysitter but he hasnt responded yet. I know the signal isnt too good where he is.

So how do i respond if he says hes not coming? The rational part of my brain tells me its ok because hes going to be tired after the trip but the emotional part of me is going to feel really let down again. He should make the effort to come out with me and if he doesnt i am going to be very upset. I wont go on my own. Everyone else is in a couple. Im not ready for that yet.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He just txt me and he said he will come out with us tonight 
He wont be home until about 6 but he said he would shower, change and come and join us. Im so pleased, i was dreading the txt as i really thought he was going to say no.

This is a really big step for him. Its the first time we will have socialised with our closest group of friends since this all began. He hasnt wanted to face anyone. By doing this i know he is trying. I txt him back to say thankyou and i appreciated him coming along.

Amazing how my mood has completely changed now. Felt scared and upset before he txt me and that one simple message has just given me hope because this really is a big step.

Lets hope the couple of days away has been beneficial to his state of mind.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I have told him that I am willing to forgive him but that he must first forgve himself if we are to move forward. I told him he must accept what he has done and get over it then there is a chance we can move forward.
> 
> There is no way he can leave his job but I am thinking about contacting the school is Sept and letting the head know what has gone on. I just dont want to jeopardise his job. And its kiling me knowing that they are going to be back in work together in September. I work away from home 3 nights during the week, i have been off sick for 6 weeks as I have felt unable to cope in work, knowing that he was txtin her while i was away at work at night has really devastated me.
> 
> I love him so much. Im just so very confused!


IMHO no job is more important than a marriage. These are tough times, but one has to make choices.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry Daisy I smell a rat. Maybe I am jaded because I have read to many post about cheating spouses but I think he is still communicating with this woman and if it is not physical yet it most likely will be. No one is immune from cheating, even good people. 

If your husband was interested in reconciling he would be all over you. Instead he distances himself probably to give him more freedom to see this woman. He is probably snowing you with the I can't forgive myself. He is not the most important one here he hurt his wife the woman he loves. Instead of begging his wife to forgive him and being with her to support her, he feels sorry for himself and abandons his wife. 

You are giving him cheap forgiveness, he has no fear of losing you. So he has you in his back pocket and the freedom to pursue the OW. If it does not work out you get 2nds. Is that what you want after giving him 18 yrs of your life? 

Is this woman married or involved with someone? Find out if you don't know. Keep proof of the texting in case you need to show proof. I think you are being too quick to believe his story. You are so fearful of losing him that you begging him to take you back! Ask yourself who is the injured party and is that person being comforted and reassured.

Cheaters lie lie lie. Do more investigating and stop begging him and tell him that he should not be selfish and worry about himself. You need him to reassure and be with you but where is he? You think he is doing you a favor by joining you for an outing, I don't understand your attitude. He should be glad you are letting him come. 

Please change your frame of reference. Being too quick to forgive and demanding nothing will not save your marriage. It just makes it easy for him to dupe you. If he is lying, you will feel a fool for not approaching this with more respect for yourself. Don't reveal that you are not fooled by his story and keep investigating. Don't be a chump.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The very first thing you have to do is insist on a No Contact letter that he writes to her, telling her that he made a mistake and he is choosing his wife and family and can have no contact with her whatsoever. And yes, I realize they work together; he will either have to change jobs or he will have to give you COMPLETE UTTER TRANSPARENCY for at least the next year, so that he can go through his withdrawal WITHIN YOUR REVIEW.

Yes, it's embarrassing for him to have to write her a letter telling her to leave him alone. 

But here is where he HAS to choose:

Declare his love for you and for the family, or leave.

Yes, it's scary. But please believe me, if he doesn't make this public declaration of choice, he will NEVER recommit to your marriage. And he will end up finding someone else down the road because he never 'chose' you.

Now, at the same time, he strayed for a reason. You two became complacent; you got in a rut; you said ILY but in a rote, ritual way, not stopping to think if you really did.

YOU need to fix this. YOU need to step up YOUR game and make your marriage exciting and enticing to him. He got a thrill out of her; give him a thrill with YOU.

The best way I know of to do this is to read His Needs Her Needs and to then print out and fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com (but avoid their forums like a plague). USE these questionnaires to get to know each other again. Learn what to STOP doing (LBs) and what you SHOULD be doing to keep in love with each other; just because you have kids, you can't stop the romance, the time together, the caring. You should be spending 15 hours a week together in non-kid/housework-related activities - THAT is how you stay in love and give him a reason to hurry up and get home from work to see you.

Finally, I will recommend this book: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books. I guarantee, it will rekindle some excitement in the bedroom.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thankyou both for responding
The evening out was a disaster and we came home early. I felt utterly unable to cope. When we got home we "talked" for 2 hours. He still says the way he feels about me has nothing to do with the friendship. I got mad, i cursed her, i cursed him. She is also married with children. how dare she come into my marriage and destro what ive got. Im angry and upset.

Still he swears he never touched her. He said there was no physical contact, no atraction, just friendship. I am really trying to believe him. He says he has had no contact with her since the end of term and that he doesnt want her. I know he hasnt met up with her as he doesnt spend hardly any time away from us. He took my daughter camping for 4 days with his mate and his kids but there is no way he would have been able to meet her there.
After all that we went to bed and made love. (runs and hides) Sorry, i just couldnt help myself. I still fancy the pants off him after all these years and its difficult to resist him. I know I am feeling weak at the moment. 

Ive been looking at the 180 and wondering if i should follow some of the guidelines on that?

Thanks again everyone x


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Yep. That was me. I forgave myself to a point but it took me umteen years to toally let it go. It shook me up. It took my wife to tell me that she had forgiven me a long time ago and that I needed to forgive myself completely. I had to do this to be the husband she needed me to be. I had forgiven myself to a point a long time ago but was not fully back until my wife and I talked it out.
> 
> I went NC, went through withdrawal and only then did I realize it was an affair. Up until then I was still, we were jus friends.
> 
> ...


Thankyou for this. It gives me hope. The hardest thing for me at the moment is he says he no longer feels the same way about me and doesnt know if he ever will. He says he has felt like this for months (before the friendship). Is what he is feeling all part of the process? Do i give up on him ever loving me again?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Thankyou both for responding
> The evening out was a disaster and we came home early. I felt utterly unable to cope. When we got home we "talked" for 2 hours. He still says the way he feels about me has nothing to do with the friendship. I got mad, i cursed her, i cursed him. She is also married with children. how dare she come into my marriage and destro what ive got. Im angry and upset.
> 
> Still he swears he never touched her. He said there was no physical contact, no atraction, just friendship. I am really trying to believe him. He says he has had no contact with her since the end of term and that he doesnt want her. I know he hasnt met up with her as he doesnt spend hardly any time away from us. He took my daughter camping for 4 days with his mate and his kids but there is no way he would have been able to meet her there.
> ...


If you think you can just wish this away, you can't. If you want continuation of LonelyNLost's story, go to the Going through divorce and separation section and the over 1000 posts in 'Now What? I Love You and Always Will!'. You have a short window to act, don't wishy wash it away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Thankyou for this. It gives me hope. The hardest thing for me at the moment is he says he no longer feels the same way about me and doesnt know if he ever will. He says he has felt like this for months (before the friendship). Is what he is feeling all part of the process? Do i give up on him ever loving me again?


Do you see what this does? It changes the balance of power to him. He effed up yet you're dancing to keep him. It may be true but it could be manipulation. You hang while he decides. I repeat, he should be kissing you a$$ begging you! He loses respect, thrill of chase, whatever while you beg him to love you. Follow the strong advice from those who lived it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Do you see what this does? It changes the balance of power to him. He effed up yet you're dancing to keep him. It may be true but it could be manipulation. You hang while he decides. I repeat, he should be kissing you a$$ begging you! He loses respect, thrill of chase, whatever while you beg him to love you. Follow the strong advice from those who lived it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what do you suggest?
Ive read the threads you highlighted above. Do you think there is no chance of us survving this?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So what do you suggest?
> Ive read the threads you highlighted above. Do you think there is no chance of us survving this?


I do but I think he has to fear losing you. His misery is his indecision. You are there and vulnerable and available, so he doesn't have to 'worry' about you and while you're understandably hurt and suffering, you aren't the 'fun' choice compared to the lighthearted bantering with 'friend'. You have to tip that in your favor with 180 and firm boundaries. It makes you the attractive, confident one who needs to be fought for that he better not risk losing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I do but I think he has to fear losing you. His misery is his indecision. You are there and vulnerable and available, so he doesn't have to 'worry' about you and while you're understandably hurt and suffering, you aren't the 'fun' choice compared to the lighthearted bantering with 'friend'. You have to tip that in your favor with 180 and firm boundaries. It makes you the attractive, confident one who needs to be fought for that he better not risk losing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thankyou. I know you are right. Im working on it, but its bloody hard!!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Thankyou. I know you are right. Im working on it, but its bloody hard!!


I know. Easy for me to say, my marriage isn't in that situation. I wish you the best, you really don't deserve this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> So what do you suggest?
> Ive read the threads you highlighted above. Do you think there is no chance of us survving this?


 I suggest you follow the steps I gave. I gave them for a reason - they work. They are based on decades of research into infidelity by psychological experts.


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## krismi (Oct 8, 2009)

Daisygirl,

I think that maybe this went further along then you think. I believe this same type of thing happened to my husband - i wrote about it on here also. Some young girl started flirting with my husband at work - the type of look he likes - thin, nice chest and dark hair - she had just previously dated a married police officer. For some reason I believe my husband was obsessed with her. He couldn't let her go. I'm not sure if there was a PA but I'm sure EA. He has never told me the truth to this day but finally realized after about 9 months or maybe more, that it was either give up talking to her completely and no contact or lose your wife. He chose me thank goodness because I love him deeply as you love your husband. He had never done anything like this before! One thing is for sure, there has to be no contact anymore of any kind or it is hopeless. He has to be willing to work on it with YOU and only YOU and stop pouting and crying about this other woman because I'm pretty sure that is what it is. He let himself get in to far before he even knew it was happening. Any chance he can transfer to another school? If they continue to work together I can tell you it will keep eating at you. But if he does what you ask (I think some of the other responders gave good advice on that) then it can be worked out if he is not a repeat offender and he doesn't sound like a bad guy from your post.
Good luck to you - my husband and I are going on 25 years this year and I still love him deeply - I think about what happened often but it can be worked out if you BOTH work at it and he needs to know that. Take control!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

"I don't feel the same about you" that is cheater talk. He is still involved with this woman. It may be in hiatus because he can't get away to see her but they are in contact and it's gone underground. When he sees her again the affair will likely continue.

. If he becomes critical of you and tells you he is not in love with you and ask fir a separation then you'll know the affair is continuing. Why are you having sex with him if he does nit feel the same about you. How do you have sex with someone who has an EA and probably a PA, is not remorseful, tells you he does not feel the same about you. How did he manipulate you into begging him to live you? 

You are being gamed big time. Please reframe your thinking. YOU are the one that was hurt and betrayed and instead of looking for him to ask your forgiveness and atone he makes you beg him to stay. He should be the one begging. Instead you are rewarding him with sex and reassurance that he has not earned. 

Read up on the signs of cheating. Better yet, read threads on TAM of woman who would not believe their husbands were lying to them and having an affair. The evidence is finally too much to ignore and she finally accepts the truth. 

You are not repecting yourself. No women with self esteem would put herself in the position you have placed yourself. Please respect your self and stop letting him walk all over you. When and if you find out what really happened, you will regret not demanding that he the he ask your forgiveness and atone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could ask him to take a polygraph. If he refuses, then proceed to separate. You'll have your answer.


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I am willing to move on. So why isnt he? He says he has no feelings for her and that he doesnt want to be with her. He has also said this "frienship" has nothing to do with the way he feels about me and that he hasnt felt the same way about me for months. Why didnt i see the signs? We have had a lot going on in the last 6 months andI hate myself for not putting my marriage first. Im so scared that its too late.


My Theory:
He has secretly been to a divorce attorney to discuss his desire to end his marriage to you. That divorce attorney informed him that he will be financially destroyed if he files for divorce since there are three dependent children involved and I assume a dependent wife. So now he is in the process of weighing the pleasure / freedom he will receive by obtaining a divorce from you against the extemely high financial cost to pay to obtain that freedom.

Is divorce worth the cost to him?
If his answer is yes you will be served with divorce papers.
If his answer is no you will remain married to a man who no longer wants to be married to you.

Is marriage a wonderful thing or what.................:rofl:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Thankyou for this. It gives me hope. The hardest thing for me at the moment is he says he no longer feels the same way about me and doesnt know if he ever will. He says he has felt like this for months (before the friendship). Is what he is feeling all part of the process? *Do i give up on him ever loving me again?*


He is in a fog and is not thinking right. It is chemical. He is saying hurtful things. This is wrong though. He is being a real jerk.

*I will add though that there is no reason to give up. * He is / was having an EA. Do not expect logic from him. He may not have touched her. An EA is very much in the mind. Yes there can be touching but it may not have happened yet.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> "I don't feel the same about you" that is cheater talk. He is still involved with this woman. It may be in hiatus because he can't get away to see her but they are in contact and it's gone underground. When he sees her again the affair will likely continue.
> 
> . If he becomes critical of you and tells you he is not in love with you and ask fir a separation then you'll know the affair is continuing. Why are you having sex with him if he does nit feel the same about you. How do you have sex with someone who has an EA and probably a PA, is not remorseful, tells you he does not feel the same about you. How did he manipulate you into begging him to live you?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi everyone and thanku for all your replies.
Havent been on for a while asI find this forum a double edged sword at times. Lots of positivity for some but a lot of negativitiy from others, which id fine, but i just needed to digest some of the research i have been doing nd use it to try and get my marriage back on track.

Well where are we now, 4 months since Dday! We are still together and things are progressing. There have been many tears, mny discussions and at one stage it got to the point when i told him I was leaving as i just couldnt cope anymore. We have more good days than bad days. And i think his "fog" has finally cleared. He tells me he loves me, he needs me and he wants us to be together. We are making plans for the future. We are doing more things together and we are talking. We have had some reallty good converstaions and his remorse is obvious.

At one point i sked him if he wanted to be with her, then he should go and he said "No, im so sorry this happened, but i love you and want to be with you, I have no feelings for her" . We have talked openly about our relationship and looked at the reasons why this happened in the first place. I accept my responsibility in part for why this happened but i have left him in NO doubt as to who is to blame, after all he is the one who strayed.

I really feel we are making progress. there is just one things that continues to wound me though. He went back to school last week and they are still colleagues and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. He swears to me he has no contact with her and doesnt talk to her, but i still find it difficult. How do i overcome this? He knows how i feel and he reasures me everyday and he txts me during lunch and break to see how i am. Hes home from work within half hour of finnishing and he lets me know well in advance if there is any change to his shedule (that was one of my Conditions). So what more can he do? There is no way he can move schools as teaching jobs are very difficult to get at the moment so i just have to trust him.

There is no contact apart from this. And he promises me that he never met her once out of school time ever, so i suppose its down to me know to try and put this behind me and mve on. 

Anyone else been in a similar situation? How long does it take before you can truly relax and believe that your marriage is back on track?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad to hear you're working on it and that he has found his remorse. Is there any way you can find reasons to show up at his work? Fill the atmosphere with his 'marriedness' a little? Let everyone see he HAS a wife so that, if they see her heading toward him, they may make it a little uncomfortable for her (even if they don't know what happened)?

From what I hear, it will take you at least a couple years before you can relax. Sorry.


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

did you ever read any of the text???


OFG


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

oldflyguy = no i didnt read any of the txt messages and im glad really. I dont know what the exact content was but it doesnt really matter now. I DO know that he wrote her a letter telling her tht he wanted to be with her, which I am finding very difficult to deal with. He wrote it in the midst of the EA and was deeply ashamed and sorry when i found out. But finding out about the letter was like a turning point for us. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he could at last look me in the eye.

Turnera = Everyone in his work knows he is married. We used to go on joint work parties together as i work in a local school also, BUT, have never met the OW as she has onl been working in the school for about 10 months and the joint work nights out stopped before that. The school he works in is literally 5 minutes away from our house. How i have stopped myself from going down there i will never know. Bit i have told him that if i have ANY reason to suspect that this is still going on then i will have no hesitation in going to the school and speaking to her and his management!


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## evian123 (May 8, 2011)

It's been a little while since you last updated, but I would hope that things are getting back on track. It sounds like there is a lot left in the marriage, and yes, it could also be a mid-life crisis on his part. My husband is going through one of those (we've been together for 16 years), and I also went through my own phase too. When it all calms down, and you get back together though, that's when the hard work REALLY begins. Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi everyone and thanku for all your replies.
> Havent been on for a while asI find this forum a double edged sword at times. Lots of positivity for some but a lot of negativitiy from others, which id fine, but i just needed to digest some of the research i have been doing nd use it to try and get my marriage back on track.
> 
> Well where are we now, 4 months since Dday! We are still together and things are progressing. There have been many tears, mny discussions and at one stage it got to the point when i told him I was leaving as i just couldnt cope anymore. We have more good days than bad days. And i think his "fog" has finally cleared. He tells me he loves me, he needs me and he wants us to be together. We are making plans for the future. We are doing more things together and we are talking. We have had some reallty good converstaions and his remorse is obvious.
> ...


From my own experience this makes total sense. These EAs occur more often that people care to admit. They are just friendhips. Right? They can progress into full blown affairs. They start with poor boundaries which can lead to inappropriate closeness between two people. They start meeting each others needs in some way. So dopamine and oxytocin is happening in their brains. I learned I cannot have close opposite sex friends. I don't think most people can but many will not accept this warning because they are different ... just like I was different. Work place EAs are very common. It does not make them right. They indicate poor boundaries. Bad choices. It happens with good and not so good people alike. Good people learn from this and all the wiser for the experience.

What is my point? We see on these forums many, many full blown betrayals that may well have started like this. We see trickle truth. But while any type of affair is not good, sometimes there is an inappropriate behavior which becomes unfaithful that is way short of two people going to the local motel. Some folks see the situations as the same but are they really? Of course not. Are these relationships acceptable? Hell no. There needs to be appropriate boundaries. They are wrong. They can readily progress and most of the time do, if left unchallenged.

I don't like the fact they still work together. It is a big risk. I think he should endeavor to change jobs. Only then will you have a level of comfort that you want. I place a high value on a marriage. If you have to sell your home and move somewhere else it is worth the effort. IMHO.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you just start showing up at work again anyway?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Turnera - I suppose i could and i dont know why i havent but i just dont want to cause a scene, and i really dont know how i would react if i saw her.

Having a bad day today (and yesterday!) Its all i can think about. Its all consuming and i hate it. He came home from work yesterday, he had a meeting for an hour after school (which he told me about) and by the time he got home i could hardly bring myself to speak to him. It took me nearly 2 hours to shift my mood and be civil to him and its breaks my heart. I feel so sad today. I really dont know if ive got the strength to keep on working at it. As much as i love him and as much as i dont want my family yo break up, i just feel like walking out the door.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told him this?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Turnera - I did speak to him Friday. I was so emotional Thurs and Fri. I just told him i was really struggling with everything and that i look forward to seeing him all day then when he comes home i cant help but be moody and withdrawn from him. He held me and hugged me and said it was ok and that i cant help how i feel.

I have noticed though that i have become extremely pre menstrual and am very emotional for 3 or 4 days leading up to my monthly. Im going to get some advice on this and look into what i can do to relieve the symptoms. 

Thanks for your continued support Turnera. I have started a new thread on the infidelity bored and i would apreciate it if you would join me there! thanks x


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