# Men Please Explain Your Need to be Alone



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies. I get it, I like to spend time with my girlfriends, I too could not have someone smothering me in a relationship wanting to be with me 24-7. My experience though is that some men do not seem to need female companionship at all except for when it comes to their interest in the bedroom. My ex, who i was with for 27 years, was a man of singular interests. He could literally sit on the computer all weekend long and play hours of solitaire, videos games, do banking or whatever. he had no desire to get out, did not ask me to do things with him. If he had to make a run out for things he needed he got himself ready and went without a thought of us time or how we could do something together while he was out. He was all about himself, his career, his interests. This kills relationships. There was no room for me in his life and by the end of the marriage I wasn't sure if I had been anything more than a convenience to him.

I have been divorced for almost a year now and have been dating a man for 6 months. Lots of wonderful texts, phone conversations, video chats. He is a professional man with a demanding schedule and again I am finding myself spending more time by myself than I really care to. I am be very understanding and patient with his need to get his work accomplished, I have demands on my life I have to tend to as well so I get it. However, it seems every weekend is filled with a list of tasks he has to complete.

So I not not getting it or am I drawn to men who are not available? When my boyfriend is available he is completely attentive, don't get me wrong there. I guess I am saying I would really enjoy a bit more of that than I am getting at this point in the relationship.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Men just aren't as verbal as women (I believe I read that on average, a woman will say approximately double the number of words that a man will on any given day). We don't have the same need to talk about things, to share. I think that women often take that to mean that men don't care, but that could not be farther from the truth. That list of tasks he has to complete, would be utterly pointless if suddenly women disappeared from the world. But men need peace, and we often can't understand how women can want to be around us (or anyone) constantly! And "peace" doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be around you - in fact, I would be willing to bet money that either your husband or your boyfriend would prefer it if you were in the room while he was playing solitaire, or internet banking etc. It can just be in companionable silence.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think some people are just mostly solitary creatures who have minimal need for interaction with a mate, but still want a mate to not be entirely alone and for sex. I've seen both men and women who are like that.

The professional man you're seeing has a demanding profession plus the 100 details of life to attend to when he has the time off. It might not be so much that you're attracted to unavailable men as a coincidence of this man's profession.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think it's a man thing, I am the same way. I'm an introvert who needs time alone. I prefer to sit alone and watch tv or read stuff on my phone. I don't like going out much. 

I still very much need and want my bf. Just also need my own time. I specifically go for other introverts and men who have their own hobbies that will take them out of my hair for a while lol. 

If you are an extrovert who needs people interaction and going out, I think it would be good to look for other extroverts who need the same. 

Don't know if your man is introverted or just busy but if you know what you need and he can't give it, it's probably best to know now and move on than wait and hope he changes


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

A lot of women are drawn to men that are successful and that usually also means very busy. But your issue doesn't seem to be with him not being attentive to you and having a busy schedule. Rather, you just want to be more of a priority to him. With a busy man that may or may not be possible. Have you told him you'd like to spend more time together?


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I think a bit of open discussion here is what is needed, let him know you are very comfortable with him and you want more of him in your life, it is still early days in your relationship but if he cannot give you what you need then it is the same story again for you, that is not what you want. Divorce is meant to change your perspective on a relationship when starting anew with someone, but don't make the mistake of thinking that you can accept this relationship if he is unwilling to give you more of himself, that is unacceptable. He has to make his mind up if he wants a future with you then giving you what you want is a top priority, nothing less will do. Good Luck.

Love and Peace always.

KevinZX


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When I worked with other people there was one thing I always noticed about traveling with men and women.During a long car ride if there was a guy with me we would speak for a few minutes at the start of the journey and then other than an odd comment along the way the journey would be completed in virtual silence.
If I had a woman with me she would feel it was necessary to carry on a conversation for the whole journey.This I found exhausting.
Men and women are just wired differently.I took a long while to get through to my girlfriend that just because I seemed to be staring into space doing nothing that I was in fact working and didn't want or need her to start a conversation.I am honestly amazed at women's ability to talk to each other for seemingly days at a time without running out of things to say.


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## musicftw07 (Jun 23, 2016)

I definitely crave my alone time, but I also crave time with my girlfriend.

It's about balance. I like being able to pursue my hobbies and interests, and it's nice to not have someone demanding my attention and energy sometimes.

The other side is that I also like pursuing mutual hobbies with my girlfriend together, and giving her love and affection.

For me, the alone time is to balance out non-alone time: To reinforce that I'm a singular person, and can be a unique individual even within the parameters of a monogamous relationship; to enjoy moments of peace and quiet; to pursue my interests that my girlfriend may not be into; etc.

I don't prefer to be alone all the time. I just desire to have balance.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> When I worked with other people there was one thing I always noticed about traveling with men and women.During a long car ride if there was a guy with me we would speak for a few minutes at the start of the journey and then other than an odd comment along the way the journey would be completed in virtual silence.
> If I had a woman with me she would feel it was necessary to carry on a conversation for the whole journey.*This I found exhausting.*
> Men and women are just wired differently.I took a long while to get through to my girlfriend that just because I seemed to be staring into space doing nothing that I was in fact working and didn't want or need her to start a conversation.*I am honestly amazed at women's ability to talk to each other for seemingly days at a time without running out of things to say.*


Andy, your post had me chuckling no end :lol::lol:

Particularly the bolded parts.

My H says the same thing, when I go to meet my friends. I go for coffee only, but 2 hours can become 4-5. He says what on earth do you have to talk about for so long. :grin2::lol:

However, he can go for golf, followed by drinks, cigars which can last 6 hours but somehow that is different? :scratchhead:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AVR, I think there may be a few things at play here:

1. you have baggage carried over from your marriage, whereby you are sensitive to potential lack of attention

2. You attract men who are preoccupied with career, hobbies etc

3. YOur guy is not making you a priority because he is older, been there done that and has already established a routine which suits him. Was he in a long term relationship before, why did it end?

I think women who are in the 50+ range (I assume you are) meet men with established routines and habits and older men come from a generation where romancing, etc is not a priority.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies. I get it, I like to spend time with my girlfriends, I too could not have someone smothering me in a relationship wanting to be with me 24-7. My experience though is that some men do not seem to need female companionship at all except for when it comes to their interest in the bedroom. My ex, who i was with for 27 years, was a man of singular interests. He could literally sit on the computer all weekend long and play hours of solitaire, videos games, do banking or whatever. he had no desire to get out, did not ask me to do things with him. If he had to make a run out for things he needed he got himself ready and went without a thought of us time or how we could do something together while he was out. He was all about himself, his career, his interests. This kills relationships. There was no room for me in his life and by the end of the marriage I wasn't sure if I had been anything more than a convenience to him.
> 
> I have been divorced for almost a year now and have been dating a man for 6 months. Lots of wonderful texts, phone conversations, video chats. He is a professional man with a demanding schedule and again I am finding myself spending more time by myself than I really care to. I am be very understanding and patient with his need to get his work accomplished, I have demands on my life I have to tend to as well so I get it. However, it seems every weekend is filled with a list of tasks he has to complete.
> 
> So I not not getting it or am I drawn to men who are not available? When my boyfriend is available he is completely attentive, don't get me wrong there. I guess I am saying I would really enjoy a bit more of that than I am getting at this point in the relationship.


You're dating, this is supposed to be the "trying out" period, although you maybe compatible in many ways if he's not meeting your needs for spending time together then maybe it's not meant to be.

Telling you've been with a man who's been largely unavailable even though you were married, now you're sort of settling for the same. You've just got out of one relationship like that, go find you a dude you can hang out with...isn't that the point of dating?


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

BobSimmons said:


> You're dating, this is supposed to be the "trying out" period, although you maybe compatible in many ways if he's not meeting your needs for spending time together then maybe it's not meant to be.
> 
> Telling you've been with a man who's been largely unavailable even though you were married, now you're sort of settling for the same. You've just got out of one relationship like that, go find you a dude you can hang out with...isn't that the point of dating?


Nicely said.

People are individuals. The focus should be on the individual rather than generalizations sbout a gender.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Not all men are like that. I agree with BobSimmons - you seem to be settling for the same thing you divorced. We get what we accept. If you don't care for these types of men, then just keep dating until you find a more compatible one. 

It sounds like when he's done with everyyything on his task list, then he fits you in. And when he fits you in, he's present. Sounds like you're just accommodating his schedule. This doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong, he just sounds like the wrong guy for you. 

I think that there are plenty of good looking, fit successful great guys out there who will make the time for you, but if you keep settling...you won't find them. Just my thoughts.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I reject the cliche. Not all men are silent non communicators or prefer to do their own thing.
you just seem to have found such a man.

my wife and I go on trips and can talk for hours in the car and never get bored with each other.
we cant find enough time together rather than otherwise. This is after almost 5 years.

having said that, my own reasons for wanting to be alone are these.

1. You cant really think or meditate or ponder things when you're with other people. Anybody.

2. Sometimes outside stimulation disallows recharging your battteries.

I think some of the above posters are right. Many high powered, driven men immerse themselves in
their work and play with a duration and intensity that that leaves them with a limited amount of time
to just relax and smell the roses. Their competetive instincts constantly need feeding.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

aine said:


> Andy, your post had me chuckling no end :lol::lol:
> 
> Particularly the bolded parts.
> 
> ...


Of course it's different.When a man meets his friends for golf and drinks this is called networking.
When women meet their friends for "coffee" it's called gossiping.😜😜😜


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> When I worked with other people there was one thing I always noticed about traveling with men and women.During a long car ride if there was a guy with me we would speak for a few minutes at the start of the journey and then other than an odd comment along the way the journey would be completed in virtual silence.
> If I had a woman with me she would feel it was necessary to carry on a conversation for the whole journey.This I found exhausting.
> Men and women are just wired differently.I took a long while to get through to my girlfriend that just because I seemed to be staring into space doing nothing that I was in fact working and didn't want or need her to start a conversation.I am honestly amazed at women's ability to talk to each other for seemingly days at a time without running out of things to say.


My boyfriend is absolute chatter box, not a matter of lack of conversation. Really more of a lack of time together. He is a very sincere individual, I have seen him tear up a few times over feelings he has to those that are close to him. He is emotionally open, reason why I like him so much. When he has his list of tasks he has to complete and I have the weekend off trying to busy myself is only somewhat successful as I can't stop thinking how much I would like to be with him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

aine said:


> AVR, I think there may be a few things at play here:
> 
> 1. you have baggage carried over from your marriage, whereby you are sensitive to potential lack of attention
> 
> ...


Oh, he is a romancer....something I have NOT had in MANY MANY years, probably part of the reason I find it so hard to be apart!!!! I kid you not, this man puts ever man before him (in my life) to shame, he is simply amazing! I think I am literally love sick!!!

There is no doubt baggage carried over from my marriage.....my ex was passive-aggressive and when I did not please him he became silent. So silence for me is not good and I have had to work thru this. Both my exes cheated on me and this is another issue I get scared about and have to work thru in my head. He and I have talked and he tells me he is not the cheating type. I believe him, after-all it took 5 months for him to ask me if he could hold my hand. I do still get to feeling insecure when we are apart.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

To me, the point of having a relationship is to spend time together, especially after 6 months. If I were you, I'd end the relationship and move on to something where time together was a centerpiece.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

AVR, didn't you start a thread about this issue -- or something close to it -- when you first started dating him? This is who he is. He may possibly modify a little but odds are it won't be much and probably not enough for you. So if you want to be with him this is likely what you'll be dealing with. Can you?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> AVR, didn't you start a thread about this issue -- or something close to it -- when you first started dating him? This is who he is. He may possibly modify a little but odds are it won't be much and probably not enough for you. So if you want to be with him this is likely what you'll be dealing with. Can you?


OpenMinded, when he and I first started dating I was getting mixed messages from the guy....he ran hot, then ran cold. He has had alot of concern for him being black and me being white.....he does not feel his family will accept this well, although he says he doesn't matter. My family (daughters and parents) know that I am dating him but his family have not been made aware which does concern me. He has showed me pics of his family and talks about them quite a bit. He is working to try to reduce his work load but have literately been fighting a losing battle trying to get it done. He has lost 2 close friends and his best friend's mom have all passed on since we have started dating which has meant trips back home for funerals. 

To answer your question though, I really need more of his time than to see him once a week. If we could get the weekends together it would help but we have not had that so far. Weekends he has to mow grass, run errands, get caught up on emails to patients that he wasn't able to do during work hours. The last two Saturdays he had on-going classes to attend so it has seemed endless.

What REALLY stinks here is that I feel I found someone that I really get along with well, enjoy his company, want to know him better, have allowed myself to get close and I feel like I cannot get enough of the guy. I do try to back myself off emotionally and give him his space to get all his ducks in a row but it tugs at my heart not to spend more time together.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> OpenMinded, when he and I first started dating I was getting mixed messages from the guy....he ran hot, then ran cold. He has had alot of concern for him being black and me being white.....he does not feel his family will accept this well, although he says he doesn't matter. My family (daughters and parents) know that I am dating him but his family have not been made aware which does concern me. He has showed me pics of his family and talks about them quite a bit. He is working to try to reduce his work load but have literately been fighting a losing battle trying to get it done. He has lost 2 close friends and his best friend's mom have all passed on since we have started dating which has meant trips back home for funerals.
> 
> To answer your question though, I really need more of his time than to see him once a week. If we could get the weekends together it would help but we have not had that so far. Weekends he has to mow grass, run errands, get caught up on emails to patients that he wasn't able to do during work hours. The last two Saturdays he had on-going classes to attend so it has seemed endless.
> 
> What REALLY stinks here is that I feel I found someone that I really get along with well, enjoy his company, want to know him better, have allowed myself to get close and I feel like I cannot get enough of the guy. I do try to back myself off emotionally and give him his space to get all his ducks in a row but it tugs at my heart not to spend more time together.


This is a cliche but I think it is appropriate in the circumstances.
Do not make someone a priority when they see you as an option.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may eventually choose to spend more time with you -- or he may not. Do you want to be with him enough to accept him as he currently is?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> He may eventually choose to spend more time with you -- or he may not. Do you want to be with him enough to accept him as he currently is?


I think this is important. As a guy the more time I spend with a woman the more I will open up. So for me it takes awhile to want to spend a lot of time. 

To the OP what would be interesting is if you asked him point blank about this. "Do you think we spend enough time together". If he says yes he is getting his threshold met. He will either need to adjust or you will have to part ways.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@AVR1962, as I say here often, just because you care for and like this man, doesn't mean he's right for you. 

He's NOT right for you if one of your top NEEDS is quality time together and he can't accommodate that. It doesn't make him a bad guy, just not right for you. Sure, we all compromise on some things, but those things we compromise on should NEVER be our top requirements in a relationship. 

You've already lived enough of your precious time accepting less than you need. It's time to get what @AVR1962 needs and accept no less.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> When I worked with other people there was one thing I always noticed about traveling with men and women.During a long car ride if there was a guy with me we would speak for a few minutes at the start of the journey and then other than an odd comment along the way the journey would be completed in virtual silence.
> If I had a woman with me she would feel it was necessary to carry on a conversation for the whole journey.This I found exhausting.
> Men and women are just wired differently.I took a long while to get through to my girlfriend that just because I seemed to be staring into space doing nothing that I was in fact working and didn't want or need her to start a conversation.I am honestly amazed at women's ability to talk to each other for seemingly days at a time without running out of things to say.


My wife sometimes travels with others for work conferences through driving and or flying as well. Inclusive of 12 hour car journeys etc, yet she is not inclined to talk with them much at all except for the first few minutes before she falls silent.

Whereas when I was in the army both in infantry (exclusively men) and later in intelligence (more men than women) on long convoy drives in say a Unimog truck, a bus a Land Rover or Land Cruiser or flying in a commercial airline. The majority of my male co-travellers and I loved chatting constantly. Plus in the absence of anything else to say, we would play inane games like "I can see with my little eye". The only time where talking became a non event was when one was in a Hercules aeroplane or a Blackhawk helicopter etc because sound proofing tends not to be a feature in such aircraft.

Not all men are introverts just as not all women are extroverts, so one will find plenty of men who like sharing time and conversation, just like there are plenty of women who don't like sharing much time and conversation.

The last time I travelled with others for work, I flew in a World War II warbird aircraft where the noise precluded much conversation. Then drove back with one of my fellow male warbird travellers where we happily chatted throughout our circa 7 hour return road journey.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just like our lady counterparts do with their lady friends, most of us guys thoroughly enjoy getting together with a group of the guys for some informal male bonding, albeit in the form of a weekly round of golf, going to a baseball or football game, or just bending elbows with them at a local tavern!

There is certainly not meant to be any disrespect toward our better half's love interest other than the occasional recreation it provides, because occasionally being apart from each other is supposed to provide, IMHO, an aura of recreational health that duly refreshes us!

And greatly keeping in mind that there are strong limitations when this occasional male bonding incorporates mixed company activity! IMHO, that is supposed to be a most definite "no-no!"*


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

People are awesome...


through a faraway window or an LCD screen.


I need my male alone time on a daily basis to keep me sane.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think this is important. As a guy the more time I spend with a woman the more I will open up. So for me it takes awhile to want to spend a lot of time.
> 
> To the OP what would be interesting is if you asked him point blank about this. "Do you think we spend enough time together". If he says yes he is getting his threshold met. He will either need to adjust or you will have to part ways.


Wolf1974, I think my boyfriend is much like yourself in that he takes things slow and is very careful. I consider myself the same until I hit a point which I have but I realize he might not be there yet. We have had this talk and he knows we are not spending enough time together. It is not that he doesn't want to, at least I don't feel. He has told me he wished I lived next door. By the time I am off work (7 pm) and he drives his 45 minute drive home from work there is no time weekdays for us to see each other living an hour apart. However we are making that work. It's weekend time that we are not getting together. His classes are out of the way for now so we'll see what this next weekend brings.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Yag-Kosha said:


> People are awesome...
> 
> 
> through a faraway window or an LCD screen.
> ...


And you see I don't even want this every day, as we are really still trying to get to know one another and I do have a life of my own that I have to maintain. All the thiking out loud and the replies here have helped me open my mind as to what I am feeling and wanting here. I do appreciate all the input.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

You can plan activities that he will like and enjoy them together. This is what is often expected of us men--planning dates and things to do/where to eat (gross generalization, forgive me).

Plan on going to the batting cages or golf range. 

Find a local ultimate frisbee league.

Hit up ladies night together at the local watering hole.

Go to a live sports event

Play laser tag or paintball

Get a gym membership together and work out as together

Also, in general, we men are open to any sexual activity with there partner, so initiate there, too.

If a man is getting laid on the regular, has peace and his space, AND a loving, willing companion for things he enjoys, then wild horses couldn't drag him from her.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Prior to kids and marriage, I was all about my alone time and time with guy friends. I was a much more "balanced" man. I attribute this to just being around a more masculine environment. Being around dudes does wonders for a guy. When I had enough of the guys, I had my alone time to unwind and relax.

While married I was a professional dad. I did all the kid games, coached, homework, etc. Full-time job. Very little alone time. VERY little friend time. It was wife, kids and work. Not good.

Now I'm divorced and have two days a week of no kiddos. Those two days show me just how valuable my alone/man time is. I don't get as much dude time as I would like (they're all married with kids), but I escape to the gym and do other things as much as I can.

I just don't think men are wired to be around women and kids for long periods of time. I completely understand now why my dad used to go to the hardware store for four hours.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Personal said:


> My wife sometimes travels with others for work conferences through driving and or flying as well. Inclusive of 12 hour car journeys etc, yet she is not inclined to talk with them much at all except for the first few minutes before she falls silent.
> 
> Whereas when I was in the army both in infantry (exclusively men) and later in intelligence (more men than women) on long convoy drives in say a Unimog truck, a bus a Land Rover or Land Cruiser or flying in a commercial airline. The majority of my male co-travellers and I loved chatting constantly. Plus in the absence of anything else to say, we would play inane games like "I can see with my little eye". The only time where talking became a non event was when one was in a Hercules aeroplane or a Blackhawk helicopter etc because sound proofing tends not to be a feature in such aircraft.
> 
> ...


Glad you wrote this!

Honestly, I've pricked my ears during many conversations I've happened to overhear between men, and sometimes they gossip in their own way over the most hilarious things!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

dadstartingover said:


> I just don't think men are wired to be around women and kids for long periods of time. I completely understand now why my dad used to go to the hardware store for four hours.


Hmmm... curious, have you noticed the men who have though? You know - the ones who spend too much time with women and not enough men?

Noticed anything... off?

Just wondering if it's just me...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Good thread, What I'm seeing here is AVR has an emotional need for quality time. She has been denied it for a long time. Now she is getting some. She has not yet discovered where her "enough " point is.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I didn't think that seeing someone once a week qualifies as a full on relationship.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm... curious, have you noticed the men who have though? You know - the ones who spend too much time with women and not enough men?
> 
> Noticed anything... off?
> 
> Just wondering if it's just me...


That they show symptoms of low testosterone?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, it's almost like they forget how to be a man lol


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Now I get what happened to my cousin in California. She married a surgeon who became well known and his practice thrived, he started buying office buildings for investment property. They had everything you could think of and I thought she was the luckiest women in the world. She did start complaining that he was never around and then a couple months later she divorced him. I naturally thought she was just after his money but I wonder if he really did take more time off to be with her if she would have stayed?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

dadstartingover said:


> Prior to kids and marriage, I was all about my alone time and time with guy friends. I was a much more "balanced" man. I attribute this to just being around a more masculine environment. Being around dudes does wonders for a guy. When I had enough of the guys, I had my alone time to unwind and relax.
> 
> While married I was a professional dad. I did all the kid games, coached, homework, etc. Full-time job. Very little alone time. VERY little friend time. It was wife, kids and work. Not good.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your honesty. I wonder if this is why relationships don't work out for couples. men need their time alone and women need time together in order to feel wanted and loved by their partner.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Good thread, What I'm seeing here is AVR has an emotional need for quality time. She has been denied it for a long time. Now she is getting some. She has not yet discovered where her "enough " point is.


YES.....thank you!!!!!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

NickTheChemist said:


> You can plan activities that he will like and enjoy them together. This is what is often expected of us men--planning dates and things to do/where to eat (gross generalization, forgive me).
> 
> Plan on going to the batting cages or golf range.
> 
> ...


No trouble in the sex department and no trouble with me initiating. I have not had this much sex since I was in love with my first love!!!!!! One area again, where I cannot get enough of this man, and it has been a very long time since i have felt this way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So just when do you see one another?

Sorry, but this guy is embarrassed or ashamed or afraid to tell his family about you. He's coming across as emotionally immature. And, dare I say, a mama's boy.

If he wanted to spend time with you, he'd say "hey, I have yardwork to do but how about you sit outside while I work and we can chat on my breaks" or "I have to run errands, would you mind tagging along?". It's almost as though he's hiding you.

You worked so hard to get out of your marriage. Please recognize that what he is offering is subpar in a typical, developing relationship.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies.


I have not noticed that men generally need to be alone more than women do. My wife is my activity partner. Outside of work, we do everything together including group activities. That part of our relationship works well. She's always welcome to spend as much time with me as she wants to.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Now I'm super jealous of him, lol. Seriously tho, I'm happy for you as it seems so very many of us regulars here on TAM, both men and women, are in very difficult and painful LD partner situations. 

I'm curious now, has he ever been married or spent a lot of quality time with a love? Could be he is on the far end of the introvert scale and this is his baseline. 

My wife is introverted and really, really needs time to herself or she becomes mentally exhausted. She's the sweetest person in the world after 2-3 hours away from me and the kiddos and ready to be superwoman again


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> So just when do you see one another?
> 
> Sorry, but this guy is embarrassed or ashamed or afraid to tell his family about you. He's coming across as emotionally immature. And, dare I say, a mama's boy.
> 
> ...


We usually see each other once week night a week, and until this past 3 weeks, one night each weekend.

Yes, I worked very hard to get myself out of a bad marriage, and I am not comfortable with him not mentioning to his family. I do feel he is hiding me and the truth of the matter is he very well might be. He might not know how he feels about our future together and does not want to involve his family if he is not fully aware of his own feelings. he might not want to rsk all the questioning from his family. He says that approval for me will be hard since I am white and they are black. he is a south black man and I am a very white northerner.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

absence make the heart grow fonder.

and some women talk your ear off they feel like silence is bad so they fill it with talking nonstop. I like silence sometimes.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@AVR1962

Who's initiating the get togethers these days? Is it equal or do you feel yourself reaching out to him more than he reaches out to you to plan something together? It's something to think about, as he may be intentionally distancing himself. 

And with the issue of his family possibly not being accepting of you, that's a pretty big hurdle to overcome especially if he's close to them. It'll greatly reduce the chances for a successful relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Approval for you will be hard?

Really? This is a guy who is around 50? It's not like you two will be making babies and it's not like it's 1950, Selma, Alabama. Forget the fact that with his schedule it is doubtful that he would even have time to be around his family more than once or twice a year; forget the fact that he is the only member of his family who would be involved with you; just concentrate on the fact that he requires his family's approval for him to date a woman of his choosing.

Run.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> @AVR1962
> 
> Who's initiating the get togethers these days? Is it equal or do you feel yourself reaching out to him more than he reaches out to you to plan something together? It's something to think about, as he may be intentionally distancing himself.
> 
> And with the issue of his family possibly not being accepting of you, that's a pretty big hurdle to overcome especially if he's close to them. It'll greatly reduce the chances for a successful relationship.


He is initiating all the get togethers. he initiated the hand holding, initially sex, he makes the phones. i have made sure of this as I was the seeker in my marriage and it did not work. I figure if a man wants me he will have to seek me and he has. It feels good!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> He is initiating all the get togethers. he initiated the hand holding, initially sex, he makes the phones. i have made sure of this as I was the seeker in my marriage and it did not work. I figure if a man wants me he will have to seek me and he has. It feels good!


From a man that has to be the seeker it sure sucks not to be seeked back.
Balance is a good thing.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> From a man that has to be the seeker it sure sucks not to be seeked back.
> Balance is a good thing.


Balance is good, I grant you that. However, I did not want to repeat another mistake. I sought my ex in almost every avenue of our life together. He never had an idea as to what we could do together, he was content to spend time in his solitary interests, he was not one to initiate sex. I liked the liked the guy and even though we are now divorced after 27 years of being a couple I can say the qualities in this man that I once liked are still likable qualities in him but he could not mutual love and affection. If I went to him fine but otherwise he was in his own world. It wasn't just me, he was the same with his family and with the children we raised together. So it has been important to me in dating now that the person I am with initiates and expresses himself. I have initiated one of our nights together and I had trouble with it. However, I did wait for him to make all the first moves.....the first kiss, the hand hold, initiating sex initially. I wanted to see that he was capable. I do not feel my ex was capable and I did not want to get involved with someone like that again. It is very lonely when you receive nothing in return.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Approval for you will be hard?
> 
> Really? This is a guy who is around 50? It's not like you two will be making babies and it's not like it's 1950, Selma, Alabama. Forget the fact that with his schedule it is doubtful that he would even have time to be around his family more than once or twice a year; forget the fact that he is the only member of his family who would be involved with you; just concentrate on the fact that he requires his family's approval for him to date a woman of his choosing.
> 
> Run.


Your reply made me really think, as I have not been comfortable with his family not knowing about us. We are planning to talk tonight.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Balance is good, I grant you that. However, I did not want to repeat another mistake. I sought my ex in almost every avenue of our life together. He never had an idea as to what we could do together, he was content to spend time in his solitary interests, he was not one to initiate sex. I liked the liked the guy and even though we are now divorced after 27 years of being a couple I can say the qualities in this man that I once liked are still likable qualities in him but he could not mutual love and affection. If I went to him fine but otherwise he was in his own world. It wasn't just me, he was the same with his family and with the children we raised together. So it has been important to me in dating now that the person I am with initiates and expresses himself. I have initiated one of our nights together and I had trouble with it. However, I did wait for him to make all the first moves.....the first kiss, the hand hold, initiating sex initially. I wanted to see that he was capable. I do not feel my ex was capable and I did not want to get involved with someone like that again. It is very lonely when you receive nothing in return.


qft. I understand where your coming from.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Well, the talk went very well! I was a bit concerned but her broke down in tears and realized that he has not been available to me....work has really been tasking.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Did he offer a solution to balancing more time with you?


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies. I get it, I like to spend time with my girlfriends, I too could not have someone smothering me in a relationship wanting to be with me 24-7. My experience though is that some men do not seem to need female companionship at all except for when it comes to their interest in the bedroom. My ex, who i was with for 27 years, was a man of singular interests. He could literally sit on the computer all weekend long and play hours of solitaire, videos games, do banking or whatever. he had no desire to get out, did not ask me to do things with him. If he had to make a run out for things he needed he got himself ready and went without a thought of us time or how we could do something together while he was out. He was all about himself, his career, his interests. This kills relationships. There was no room for me in his life and by the end of the marriage I wasn't sure if I had been anything more than a convenience to him.
> 
> I have been divorced for almost a year now and have been dating a man for 6 months. Lots of wonderful texts, phone conversations, video chats. He is a professional man with a demanding schedule and again I am finding myself spending more time by myself than I really care to. I am be very understanding and patient with his need to get his work accomplished, I have demands on my life I have to tend to as well so I get it. However, it seems every weekend is filled with a list of tasks he has to complete.
> 
> So I not not getting it or am I drawn to men who are not available? When my boyfriend is available he is completely attentive, don't get me wrong there. I guess I am saying I would really enjoy a bit more of that than I am getting at this point in the relationship.


Personally? This is just me reading this first post, and I could be WAAAAAYYYY off. But, to me, you sound a bit needy. Men hate this. It's very aggravating, and exhausting. If you are starting to see that the man you are seeing wants time alone, there's a reason for that. Just sayin...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies. I get it, I like to spend time with my girlfriends, I too could not have someone smothering me in a relationship wanting to be with me 24-7. My experience though is that some men do not seem to need female companionship at all except for when it comes to their interest in the bedroom. My ex, who i was with for 27 years, was a man of singular interests. He could literally sit on the computer all weekend long and play hours of solitaire, videos games, do banking or whatever. he had no desire to get out, did not ask me to do things with him. If he had to make a run out for things he needed he got himself ready and went without a thought of us time or how we could do something together while he was out. He was all about himself, his career, his interests. This kills relationships. There was no room for me in his life and by the end of the marriage I wasn't sure if I had been anything more than a convenience to him.
> 
> I have been divorced for almost a year now and have been dating a man for 6 months. Lots of wonderful texts, phone conversations, video chats. He is a professional man with a demanding schedule and again I am finding myself spending more time by myself than I really care to. I am be very understanding and patient with his need to get his work accomplished, I have demands on my life I have to tend to as well so I get it. However, it seems every weekend is filled with a list of tasks he has to complete.
> 
> So I not not getting it or am I drawn to men who are not available? When my boyfriend is available he is completely attentive, don't get me wrong there. I guess I am saying I would really enjoy a bit more of that than I am getting at this point in the relationship.


Sometimes, men just need to take time to themselves. I constantly struggle with it... the need to be alone vs the desire to have a productive relationship. 

I know why I want to be alone. I have a lot of demons. But, I also know that isolating myself will not make my demons go away. So I listen to my wife when she tells me she needs more time with me. Time where I actually engage. 

It will probably be a difficult thing for you to do, but try and find out what he gets out of his alone time. 

As for me, I get to replay and process stuff I have never really worked through. It can take a lot of reliving something before I can finally let it drift into the ether... 


What does he get from his alone time?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He broke down in tears. Seriously, AVR. Remember when one of the first things he did was to show you his closets? 

Could you provide details on his life i.e. previous marriage(s), kids etc. Any history of mental illness or need for mood stabilizers.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Did he offer a solution to balancing more time with you?


On top of all this that I was dealing with there was a pregnancy scare which I kept to myself trying to figure out what was going on for sure before I mentioned anything. I am 54 but not post menopausal yet, unfortunately. The likelihood of me to become pg is virtually NONE, docs have told me this for the past 4 years when I was "officially" deemed perimenopausal. I started feeling like I was pg though, ad all the symptoms....heightened sense of smell, nauseated when I smelled certain things, foods began to taste odd. I basically freaked....my youngest is 20 and still lives with me....I have had a child under my roof for over 36 years....I am now single and making it on my own and have to work and here was thinking all these things.....first, how? How can I do this? What do I do? I do I tell the man I am dating? Emotionally it was very trying....thank goodness for real good friends!!

I ended up going to my GYN for an exam and blood work, test came back negative. A week later I was still nauseated so I had another blood test, it came back negative. Doc told me there was no way I could be pg at my age which I understand but I could not understand the symptoms as the only time I have ever had this was when I was pg. Finally, natural had her way, I am not pg.

So the talk we had the night I mentioned we were going to talk centered around what I had dealt with concerning the pg scare. He broke down in tears, apologized for not being there for me emotionally. Said he had been so focused on work, had not realized the time that had passed by like I had mentioned. He said it made him feel bad about himself knowing he is not giving me what I want in the relationship but that right now he has to concentrate on work. He is getting ready to make another trip out of town to celebrate his mother's 80th birthday. He said he wants to talk and as soon as I read that I felt the hatchet on the back of my neck so I suggested we talk when he gets back from his trip. 

This weekend he said he needed time to decompress. He sent me a pic of a page from his Bible study yesterday about women being caregivers and feeling hurt and resentful from all the giving without receiving. 

So, to answer your question there was no resolve. I still feel very much in the dark.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> On top of all this that I was dealing with there was a pregnancy scare which I kept to myself trying to figure out what was going on for sure before I mentioned anything. I am 54 but not post menopausal yet, unfortunately. The likelihood of me to become pg is virtually NONE, docs have told me this for the past 4 years when I was "officially" deemed perimenopausal. I started feeling like I was pg though, ad all the symptoms....heightened sense of smell, nauseated when I smelled certain things, foods began to taste odd. I basically freaked....my youngest is 20 and still lives with me....I have had a child under my roof for over 36 years....I am now single and making it on my own and have to work and here was thinking all these things.....first, how? How can I do this? What do I do? I do I tell the man I am dating? Emotionally it was very trying....thank goodness for real good friends!!
> 
> I ended up going to my GYN for an exam and blood work, test came back negative. A week later I was still nauseated so I had another blood test, it came back negative. Doc told me there was no way I could be pg at my age which I understand but I could not understand the symptoms as the only time I have ever had this was when I was pg. Finally, natural had her way, I am not pg.
> 
> ...


Omg, sorry you've been going through so much!

Regarding this guy. This is just me, but at this point, I'd be feeling he's seeing someone other than you. He may not be, but it's just my suspicion. I hope I'm wrong, but it would make the most sense at this point. The fact that he simply can't ever break away from all this work he's doing...just seems like his go to excuse. 

Again, just my suspicion, but if he can't give you what you truly want and need, he's probably not a good match.  He just seems kind of exhausting, and not in the good way. lol


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> He broke down in tears. Seriously, AVR. Remember when one of the first things he did was to show you his closets?
> 
> Could you provide details on his life i.e. previous marriage(s), kids etc. Any history of mental illness or need for mood stabilizers.


My post above will hopefully explain why he broke down in tears. He has had ALOT on his plate, seriously!!! Besides trying to keep up with his patient load, he is trying to revamp a program/whole system that has not been work which involves scheduling and and trying to implement a 4 day work day which means getting approvals and all kinds of extra behind the scenes work.

He has been divorced for 10 years. They dated long distance for 6 years. He was trying to get his practice moved, they had decided where they were going, bought a house together which he paid for and she lived in. They lived together for one year and then got married but it was rocky.....she did not want his dogs and demanded that they could not live in the house. She had dogs too but she was not going to have them live elsewhere, she insisted that his had to. He was very attached to his dogs but he asked family to take them in and I think for him that caused resentment. He said his wife was the sweetest things at times but then would go off on him, screaming and blaming him. He said he just could not take it and suggested they go to counseling together. In counseling it came out that she had an affair....he said he had been faithful and to hear this hurt him deeply. One day she showed up at his office with 2 suitcases and told him she wanted a divorce and locked him out of the house. They were only legally married 1 1/2 years. She then asked him to forgive her and gave him a 20 page letter explaining herself. He said after finding out that she had cheated on him he could not go back to the marriage. He lost the house and the $80k he put into it and walked away from all the processions in the house. He tried to get his half thru hiring an attorney but the judge ruled in favor of his ex. There were no children from the marriage.

Since then he has had one serious relationship that I know about and that was 3 years ago. Another women from out of state. He said she had been cheated on and was real insecure that he might do the same, which is said he is not the type but found it to be too much pressure and let her.

Yes, I recall him showing me his closets, he showed me his whole house. I don't really understand men in this sense but my ex would show everyone our house too. Not something I do or even think about but I have found men do this. I have gone to friend's houses and the man will say, "Let me show you the house." I don't get it but oh well. Is there something to be alerted to if a man shows you his house, or closet? I am pretty sure he not on any meds, we have talked about it, neither of us has any prescriptions, both pretty healthy people. I know he falls asleep real easily. If he eats he falls asleep so he doesn't eat during the day. As soon as he eats his dinner he crashes and many times he finds himself waking up in the middle of the night crashed in front of the TV. One night I was with him he started falling asleep during sex which I found odd.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> Sometimes, men just need to take time to themselves. I constantly struggle with it... the need to be alone vs the desire to have a productive relationship.
> 
> I know why I want to be alone. I have a lot of demons. But, I also know that isolating myself will not make my demons go away. So I listen to my wife when she tells me she needs more time with me. Time where I actually engage.
> 
> ...


Besides working on projects he says he needs alone time to get thru his next week of work. He has to have rest to gear up for the next week. Unfortunately when he was wanting to get to know me.....calling, texting, sending me music videos and wanting me to look up certain music artists so we could talk about them, etc there was alot of communication. he told me wonderful things about myself....how he loved my hair, that I walked with confidence, that my students were lucky to have me as a teacher, that I was a good mom. He told me that I was everything he'd been looking for emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, that he could tell I was a person who loved unconditionally....repeatedly he has told me that I have a calm aura and he feels and can appreciate that. He has told me I am a patient person and enjoys that in me. The man has been very complimentary about my appearance and my choice of style. 

We have talked hours in person and on the phone before the relationship ever became sexual, 5 months of getting to know one another. I feel like I know his family yet have never met any of them. I think I know more now about dentistry than I ever thought I would!!! He is a very chatty man and very interesting, intelligent and quite expressive. Thru the first 5 months of all the compliments he was also saying things about how he DIDN'T think we would work out.....difference in our heritage, he didn't feel I would be accepted in his black community and was concerned about his mom and sister but said that he felt he could tell them in a way that they would accept me. He told me his best friend would love me. He didn't feel he would be accepted in my white community, he was afraid he would stand out in my family as an odd-ball. One of my daughter's is pg and not married which happened since we met and he told me he had some reserve to become involved with me because of what he saw ahead for me and my daughter, he must have dated someone with children at one point as he mentioned that it had been a bad experience for him which I do get, I was a stepmom and it too was a bad experience for me too. He also mentioned that he likes to be alone, that he does not feel alone and he does not know how he would make it possible to share his life with someone because he has been alone pretty much his whole life but at the time he told me he would have to think on it. 

When we had sex he was all over that for a couple weeks, said he couldn't get enough of me. In this time again lots of wonderful things were said and at the same time with our schedules and trying to see each otehr for over nights twice a week we were both exhausted. Neither of us was getting a lot of sleep at night, LOL! He'd asked me out one Friday night and my thought was that we could sleep in Saturday and spend the weekend together. I told when when I got to his house that I had mentioned to my daughter that I might not be back til Sunday. Saturday we did sleep in, it was fantastic!!! He made me tea while I was showering and while drinking tea together he tells me he has a list of things he has to take care of. I took the hint, told him I would get out of his hair, he told me he appreciated me understanding. Things have been different since.

You see, I had been holding back emotionally waiting for him to be the first to show he cared and I felt I saw that. Infact, he told me to stop holding back so I did. I let go and felt very comfortable. I told him he had made all my dreams come true, that I think of him during the day, I can taste his lips and feel his touch which he said the same to me. He sent me a video of Michael Franti's telling me he wasn't afraid to be alone but that alone was better with me. My heart was feeling the heart strings being pulled and for me while it has been a good feeling it has also been scary as I could feel myself falling in love with this man.

He is truly swamped with his work and trying to get things off the ground with a new system. He upfront with that, told me that this would consume his extra time. Texts and calls became less so I mentioned it to him, asking if everything was all right which he said it was just work. A couple weeks passed by, we saw each other maybe one time. I sent him a video of Heart's "Alone" which asks how can I get him alone and in my text I told him I had not heard from him in a week. He told me that he was so caught up with work that he wasn't aware a week had passed by and that my text made him feel like he was failing me and that he felt bad.

So perhaps it is insecurity on my part. I do not feel like I have been too "needy" as I don't feel I have made demands for his time or that the relationship move faster. I feel like I am still trying to get to know the man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think based on his history this man will not really be available to anyone. He is already 50 and has filled his life up with work and other things (whatever they are). The only time he would have for you is when he is retired. Remember when someone does not make you a priority in their life then you are only an option.
If you continue this relationship, I think you will be very unsatisfied, keep looking.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

aine said:


> I think based on his history this man will not really be available to anyone. He is already 50 and has filled his life up with work and other things (whatever they are). The only time he would have for you is when he is retired. Remember when someone does not make you a priority in their life then you are only an option.
> If you continue this relationship, I think you will be very unsatisfied, keep looking.


I am afraid you might be right on this. I have to admit my own guilt and do get it. After my divorce I was working sometimes 7 days a week just to fill a void. When you get so locked into living one way it is hard to make change. Yesterday i had my own lil Epiphany....we can work up that ladder, we can have that nice house, that dream car, we can take those fabulous vacations, we can work ourselves silly so we will have a nest egg for retirement but we take none of it with us when we face our final day upon this Earth. It made me really stop and think why we do all this and what really is important in life.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A dentist? At his age, he should be working 4 day weeks like all the other dentists of that age (at least in my area). I had visions of him being on call to deliver babies, perform open-heart surgery or some other highly demanding medical procedure. When was the last time you called a dentist for an emergency filling? The work he is doing with the system is what an office manager does. And, he needs all of this alone time to gear up for the week.

Sigh. He has little/no experience with marriage. He has no experience with balancing work and family. He picks women who are not geographically close to him. Proceed at your own peril.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @AVR1962
> 
> 
> I assume since he goes to Bible study that he identifies as Christian?
> ...


He is Catholic and very devoted. I am non-denominational and also committed to my principals. My ex was also raised in the church but that didn't stop us from having sex outside of wedlock. I had counseling the last 5 years of my marriage and met on a near weekly basis. This is what gave me the strength to get out and move on with my life. I spent far too long sleeping by myself in a spare bedroom. I am not going to mope around and wait for anyone to decide for me that enough time has passed that I can safely date again. I was real careful with guy and all was good until recently.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> A dentist? At his age, he should be working 4 day weeks like all the other dentists of that age (at least in my area). I had visions of him being on call to deliver babies, perform open-heart surgery or some other highly demanding medical procedure. When was the last time you called a dentist for an emergency filling? The work he is doing with the system is what an office manager does. And, he needs all of this alone time to gear up for the week.
> 
> Sigh. He has little/no experience with marriage. He has no experience with balancing work and family. He picks women who are not geographically close to him. Proceed at your own peril.


He does not work in a private practice. He works for a public health care system where they see people without insurance. I have visited the website for their facility and he does work some very long hours and he is the only one dentist in this building. He tells me the help is bad and the whole office is not managed well. They look to him for help with the copying machine to anything else that goes wrong and then he has a whole string of endless patients. The very project he has going on is trying to implement a 4 day work week into this health care facility, something that has never been done where he is at. Many times he works thru his lunch hour because they are over-booked.

I am a private music instructor....I teach in my home, on the road and internet lessons. I work 6-7 hours a day, my schedule is a bit strung out, no pun intended. It's just me handling everything....my schedule, teaching, billing, everything. I cannot imagine if someone was demanding that I teach 30 minute lessons and then I had to answer emails and help with other issues on top of what was expected of me. He tells me that he will be with a patient and he will be told that he is needed on the phone or that so and so sent an email about this or that. So he says he runs from the time he gets up in the morning til he gets off work and one night a week he works until 7 pm, and yes, it says it on their website. Then he has to make the 45 minute trek home and try to find something to eat. He was hoping to have the 4 day work week approved and up and running by the time school starts but that does not look possible now.

The fact that he does not have a good track record with any on-going relationship does concern me.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies. I get it, I like to spend time with my girlfriends, I too could not have someone smothering me in a relationship wanting to be with me 24-7. My experience though is that some men do not seem to need female companionship at all except for when it comes to their interest in the bedroom. My ex, who i was with for 27 years, was a man of singular interests. He could literally sit on the computer all weekend long and play hours of solitaire, videos games, do banking or whatever. he had no desire to get out, did not ask me to do things with him. If he had to make a run out for things he needed he got himself ready and went without a thought of us time or how we could do something together while he was out. He was all about himself, his career, his interests. This kills relationships. There was no room for me in his life and by the end of the marriage I wasn't sure if I had been anything more than a convenience to him.
> 
> I have been divorced for almost a year now and have been dating a man for 6 months. Lots of wonderful texts, phone conversations, video chats. He is a professional man with a demanding schedule and again I am finding myself spending more time by myself than I really care to. I am be very understanding and patient with his need to get his work accomplished, I have demands on my life I have to tend to as well so I get it. However, it seems every weekend is filled with a list of tasks he has to complete.
> 
> So I not not getting it or am I drawn to men who are not available? When my boyfriend is available he is completely attentive, don't get me wrong there. I guess I am saying I would really enjoy a bit more of that than I am getting at this point in the relationship.


My wife is as unavailable as your ex. Both men and women can become isolationists, and in both genders, it is considered a pathological condition. Closed-off people cannot form healthy relationships.

Move on.

DD


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't think it's a man thing, I am the same way. I'm an introvert who needs time alone. I prefer to sit alone and watch tv or read stuff on my phone. I don't like going out much.
> 
> I still very much need and want my bf. Just also need my own time. I specifically go for other introverts and men who have their own hobbies that will take them out of my hair for a while lol.
> 
> ...


I really don't think one can pin this down on being an introvert.. as I consider myself an Introvert and my husband is even worse.. yet we love to "smother" each other.. I am saying this tongue in cheek as neither of us feel this way at all....though others may use that expression as it would be too much for them personally..

Outside of him though...to be honest...other people REALLY DO get on my nerves and I want a quiet place to go... I don't need to be around people all the time..though I still deeply enjoy some social interaction... depending on the quality of it..

So just as it's not always a Man thing.. women can be this way too.. also it can't be said that it's always an extroverted thing that a person wants, craves attention from their loved one... 

We are all multi -faceted for sure...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> My wife is as unavailable as your ex. Both men and women can become isolationists, and in both genders, it is considered a pathological condition. Closed-off people cannot form healthy relationships.
> 
> Move on.
> 
> DD


Someone else earlier mentioned that it sounded to them the man I am dating might be an introvert. He has actually referenced himself as such but I really hadn't bought it but I have have now been reading on the internet and I think this is exactly what is going on. He is introverted and has little need for time with people.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He certainly may be an introvert. I am and I can identify with needing lots of alone time. He spends all day interacting with people and needs time alone to recharge. I doubt he'll change. 

I don't think that's what you're looking for.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He certainly may be an introvert. I am and I can identify with needing lots of alone time. He spends all day interacting with people and needs time alone to recharge. I doubt he'll change.
> 
> I don't think that's what you're looking for.


Many of my family members are introverts and they too shut down and become overwhelmed and have to isolate themselves. 

I wasn't recognizing it at first as he is a real chatty fellow but recalling some of what he told me about himself and seeing the pattern in his behavior I was able to put it together.

It all makes sense now.

I am bummed, seriously bummed!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I can be extremely outgoing when it's necessary but that's not really my natural state. And then it takes time for me to recover -- sometimes a lot of time. I am energized by being alone. Sounds like he is too.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I truly don't think he's the right fit for you. After all the years you spent with your ex, and many more trying to extricate yourself from your marriage -- please don't spend much more time on this gent. Reading through this thread, it just feels like you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole. As much as you would LIKE it to fit, it just ain't gonna!

There are plenty of fish in the sea -- methinks it's time to toss this one back.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've always felt that when you get to the point in a relationship when you're dating, and you're spending SO much time analyzing someone...and what did they mean by this or that, where are they...maybe it's because of 'x' or 'y,' etc etc...it's time let the person go. Where do you even fit into the equation? Just seems like so much time trying to figure this dude out, when he is just living his life and doesn't sound like he cares much if you accept it or don't. That's not a flaw in him, or you...but I'd not spend anymore time googling and analyzing over this guy. lol Go have FUN. There are plenty of successful guys out there who don't consume their lives with their careers, and would likely have introduced you to their families by now. (another red flag)

He sounds like he has great qualities but he falls short of what is most important to you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I can be extremely outgoing when it's necessary but that's not really my natural state. And then it takes time for me to recover -- sometimes a lot of time. I am energized by being alone. Sounds like he is too.


His very words!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, he enjoys having you for a booty call. Congratulations! I'm guessing that's not what you were going for.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

UPDATE:After 7 months he ended the relationship. I saw it coming, it was no surprise but still hurt. I feel terrible empty and sad. This man has alot of real good qualities I had always dreamed of finding in that special man in my life. Ultimately I think he is a life-long bachelor and I am thankful that he was able to finally express this to me. He said he has been very attracted to me in every way but that he has his life and that life consists or work mostly, his alone time and the things he like to do for himself in that alone time. He said he knew I wanted more and he thought he could make it happened but realized he wasn't being true to himself and it wasn't right by me. He told me he respected me and the way I lived my life but that he knows that these other things in his life take priority and that we were not going to be able to build a meaningful relationship without time spent together. He said that I could probably tell that he was not skilled at keeping a seriously relationship going and yes, he was right. There were other things that I could tell he had little experience with that only a long-term relationship would have been able to master. He was good at what he practiced and that was the chase and the quick fling....again typical of the life-long bachelor. And quite honestly, if both my exes would have been honest with themselves and with me, they were the very same. Neither were committed to the marriage. Both were cheating within the first year of marriage. 

I think some men think they can make it work just like this man I was seeing said but then realize that they like the way they were living before they met the women they were dating and revert back to the habits of their bachelorhood. I think for these men the world is a sea of opportunity, too many choices, too much to sample and they want to try it all.

I feel fortunate that he didn't just walk away and stop calling and left dangling trying to figure out what happened and I had a feeling right from the start that this would not go any further than friendship as he had already told me all the reasons why we wouldn't work....his job is very demanding right now (but by the sounds of it he throws himself into different situations at work to keep himself occupied), he was worried that I would not be accepted in his black world and that his mom and sister would have a hard time with him dating a white woman, he voiced hesitancy when I told him I had 3 adult daughters....all of this I heard but I was not heeding because I really liked the guy. It certainly was intense for awhile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry, AVR.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Need some help here!!! My head is a whirlwind, I am feeling like I am being played. So they guy breaks up with, takes the time to explain that he doesn't have the time to spend with me that I desire and I deserve better, tells me what a great person I am and all. The very next day I get a text from him saying that he had a terrible day thinking about us and can't imagine how I must be feeling. Tells me that he will be praying for me and hopes that one day we will be able to be at peace with our pasts (meaning our exes). This just hit me the wrong way. So the man breaks it off with me and then texts me is concern for my well being? Are you serious??? So text him back and tell him I have lots of questions in my head that don't have answers.....why, if he knew his family would not be accepting of him dating a white women would he date me? I told him I know busy and I can tell people I need my space and then I can find time to keep a relationship going. OI told him that usually when two people are dating they do tell their best friend as this is generally an excitement that you want to share with your best friend and these things did not exist between us. 

He called me this morning, obviously upset, saying he already explained everything and that he didn't appreciate me doubting his integrity, that he is an honest sincere person. he told me that at one point the relationship escalated, which is did, and when it did (after 5 months) it became real intense. My family was visiting over the July 4 weekend and one of my adult daughters mentioned she would like to meet this man and I passed that on. He basically gave me the "oh, she wants to meet me," but then never said that he would like that too. He said that at that point he realized and he and I were on different pages, he was content with things the way they were, I wanted more and was not ready to meet family....but he never said this to me.....so he basically did this vanishing act with claims that work was keeping him busy.

I then go to work and get this text, after the phone call, telling me how all this started his day off bad and to top it off he heard from his sister saying that he mom had taken a fall. If the man wanted nothing to do with me then why is he contacting me? I feel like he wants my symmpthy, my support, he wants me to chase him and he wants me to realize what a good man he is that I am losing but he is the one that broke up. Is it my imagination or is this guy playing mind games?????


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It sounds like he might have some emotional problems. You're best served not even trying to analyze them!! You know you two aren't going to be together as a couple, so just move on and don't drive yourself crazy interpreting these weird behaviors.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn't really matter what he's doing or why he's doing it, he's not going to change and be who you want him to be. 

Let him go.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Need some help here!!! My head is a whirlwind, I am feeling like I am being played. So they guy breaks up with, takes the time to explain that he doesn't have the time to spend with me that I desire and I deserve better, tells me what a great person I am and all. The very next day I get a text from him saying that he had a terrible day thinking about us and can't imagine how I must be feeling. Tells me that he will be praying for me and hopes that one day we will be able to be at peace with our pasts (meaning our exes). This just hit me the wrong way. So the man breaks it off with me and then texts me is concern for my well being? Are you serious??? So text him back and tell him I have lots of questions in my head that don't have answers.....why, if he knew his family would not be accepting of him dating a white women would he date me? I told him I know busy and I can tell people I need my space and then I can find time to keep a relationship going. OI told him that usually when two people are dating they do tell their best friend as this is generally an excitement that you want to share with your best friend and these things did not exist between us.
> 
> He called me this morning, obviously upset, saying he already explained everything and that he didn't appreciate me doubting his integrity, that he is an honest sincere person. he told me that at one point the relationship escalated, which is did, and when it did (after 5 months) it became real intense. My family was visiting over the July 4 weekend and one of my adult daughters mentioned she would like to meet this man and I passed that on. He basically gave me the "oh, she wants to meet me," but then never said that he would like that too. He said that at that point he realized and he and I were on different pages, he was content with things the way they were, I wanted more and was not ready to meet family....but he never said this to me.....so he basically did this vanishing act with claims that work was keeping him busy.
> 
> I then go to work and get this text, after the phone call, telling me how all this started his day off bad and to top it off he heard from his sister saying that he mom had taken a fall. If the man wanted nothing to do with me then why is he contacting me? I feel like he wants my symmpthy, my support, he wants me to chase him and he wants me to realize what a good man he is that I am losing but he is the one that broke up. Is it my imagination or is this guy playing mind games?????


I think this guy has a very high opinion of himself and your text pricked his self inflated balloon and some of his precious hot air escaped.Because that is all he is it seems,a bag of hot air.His messages,especially about his mother are just a way of him regaining his equilibrium and making you feel sorry for him in the process.
If I could give you one piece of heartfelt advice it would be this.Break off all contact with him,block him on your phone,email and whatever social media you use and if you have any mutual acquaintances make it very clear to them that you are not interested in any "news" about him.I say this because I think this guy is a player and he probably has someone else lined up to take your place.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> I think this guy has a very high opinion of himself and your text pricked his self inflated balloon and some of his precious hot air escaped.Because that is all he is it seems,a bag of hot air.His messages,especially about his mother are just a way of him regaining his equilibrium and making you feel sorry for him in the process.
> If I could give you one piece of heartfelt advice it would be this.Break off all contact with him,block him on your phone,email and whatever social media you use and if you have any mutual acquaintances make it very clear to them that you are not interested in any "news" about him.I say this because I think this guy is a player and he probably has someone else lined up to take your place.


Thank you! That is my gut feeling as well.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I know this sounds cold, but you shouldn't have responded to his first message and just let it go. He broke up with you, that means any access to you, emotional or otherwise, is severed.


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## ThaMatrix (Sep 3, 2017)

AVR1962 said:


> I am really trying to understand this and have been reading on the internet but it is not really getting thru to me well so please help me out here. So I understand that men need time to themselves to rest, to chill out, spend time with their buddies. I get it, I like to spend time with my girlfriends, I too could not have someone smothering me in a relationship wanting to be with me 24-7. My experience though is that some men do not seem to need female companionship at all except for when it comes to their interest in the bedroom. My ex, who i was with for 27 years, was a man of singular interests. He could literally sit on the computer all weekend long and play hours of solitaire, videos games, do banking or whatever. he had no desire to get out, did not ask me to do things with him. If he had to make a run out for things he needed he got himself ready and went without a thought of us time or how we could do something together while he was out. He was all about himself, his career, his interests. This kills relationships. There was no room for me in his life and by the end of the marriage I wasn't sure if I had been anything more than a convenience to him.
> 
> I have been divorced for almost a year now and have been dating a man for 6 months. Lots of wonderful texts, phone conversations, video chats. He is a professional man with a demanding schedule and again I am finding myself spending more time by myself than I really care to. I am be very understanding and patient with his need to get his work accomplished, I have demands on my life I have to tend to as well so I get it. However, it seems every weekend is filled with a list of tasks he has to complete.
> 
> So I not not getting it or am I drawn to men who are not available? When my boyfriend is available he is completely attentive, don't get me wrong there. I guess I am saying I would really enjoy a bit more of that than I am getting at this point in the relationship.


I prefer to spend almost every waking moment with my wife. Every now and then I need an hour or two to myself but thats it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Go no contact. I knew this guy was a jack a** from the beginning. lol 

Seriously, no contact. Block his number and if he starts calling you at work, or showing up at your place, I'd set him straight that he's not welcome. This guy is really weird, and exhausting. There are better men out there for you.  I've always believed that when a guy is into you, he'll move mountains to be with you, and won't have tons of excuses as to why he can't see you much. I always thought this guy was into excuses, and not really the relationship. And I get the feeling he is like this with all women, so I wouldn't take it personally.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. I really would like to get this all off my chest and perhaps get some feedback from you guys. It has been two weeks since the break-up and I tell you, like Deidre said in her reply above, this has been mentally exhausting for me. Near as I can figure the man is commitment phobic and ran when we started to get close. Let me brief the 7 months we were together. 

First date he and I just clicked, talked over breakfast for 3 1/2 hours. We spent hours talking on the phone, he sent me texts during the day....all positive and all getting to know you type conversations and texts. He was not pushing me for physical, he was not groping on me, he was not making all kinds of compliments on my appearance. he truly seemed to be getting to know me. We talked about family, our interests, past relationships, all the typical stuff. We went for a hike together, something I like to do, so he was showing an interest in my interests as well. Dedicated Catholic, good attitude towards his profession. This went on for 5 months like this.

The only thing he mentioned to me was that I would have a hard time fitting into his black world. he said he came from a part of the country that interracial dating was still not accepted and he felt it would be very difficult for his family to accept. I do know he was overwhelmed with work as he was trying to implement a new program into an old system and he was facing lots of struggles with it, all of which we talked about quite a bit and he truly was frustrated and beat down.

His sister called one day while I was sitting at his house. he told his sister that he had a visitor and he would have to call her later. I could hear her start to ask question and he said he would explain later. I thought that was a perfect opportunity to let his family know that he was dating me. I had told my kids by this point, we were about at the 5 month point. He did not mention me to his family. His mom and sister came for a visit. I knew they were coming and the last date we had before they arrived he took me out for lunch, bought me a beautiful bouquet of roses. he told me that he wanted me to know how much I meant to him but that there would be little contact while his family was visiting. he told me that I would not "always be a secret," and this did not feel good to me. He called me when I got home that night, asked if we could skype which we did and he told me that he wanted to make sure I did not get the wrong impression but that that he truly was interested in me. No kissing, no hand holding up to this point.

Five months into this, after his mom and sister left things turned and they turned fast. He had gone back home for a funeral and he asked me to pick him up from the airport. Sitting talking at his house he asked to hold my hand. he told me that we had connected spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and he let me know he was very attracted. I admitted that I had been holding back as I was not sure what he was feeling and I was trying to be careful. He told me to just let it go and give to him which I finally did, with reservation still in my head of course. The hand hold turned into some crazy passionate nights and for me being 54, I had no idea I could be caught up in my hormones like I ended up being. I was walking on clouds, struggling to focus on my work. I could feel his touch and taste his lips which I had no trouble telling him. The texts and calls continued and now they were about how beautiful I was and how wonderful I was, on & on....this man complimented every aspect of my personality. He told me that he was content to be alone and thought he would be that way the rest of his life but that alone was better with me. Even though he had not met my kids he knew them all by name and would ask about them. He asked for prayer for certain family members and situations and I did the same with him.

Here is where is changed. he had invited me out to his place on a Friday after work. I thought I could be possibly spending the weekend and I brought my laptop as I needed to do some work, I brought a change of clothes, told him that I told my daughter I might not be back til Sunday. The next morn I took a shower and as he made me tea he let me know that he had lots of work he needed to get done and at first I didn't get it but then I realized he was saying he wanted me to leave. We are at about 6 months at this point. He then starts telling me that he really needs time to get stuff done with work, that he knows I like to skype and text but that he really doesn't have the time for it. Instead of calling me at 8 pm when I would be done with work he was waiting til after 9. 

July 4 weekend rolls around and he had a cousin come in to help him with some projects at the house. My family had come in to visit me but were leaving on the 4th and so was his cousin. I mentioned that I would like to see him that day if possible. Initially he is keeping me up to date as to when his cousin was planning to leave and then I get a call saying he is just beat from all the work and really he just needed time to re-coop, no problem. I told him my daughter had mentioned that she would like to meet him. My children are all adults.

Texts no longer had all the sweet things he had once been saying. They were more of "Good morning sunshine, have a wonderful day!" Or I would get a text saying "Miss you like crazy, on the run with work." Last overnight we did together he was in tears, just seemed terribly exhausted.....he had lost several family members in the short time we had been together, his mom had some health issues, a couple of old friends had committed suicide and he was struggling. I suggested that we take a break and just let him have some time to heal and gain hold of his project with work. I gave him his space but I tell you it was hard as my head was still in this euphoric state. I sent him a few inspiration quotes which he thanked me for. I then sent him a song by Heart called "Alone" that says I want his time which he replied to saying the words were very deep.

Meanwhile I thought I had a pg scare...things get weird in perimneopause. I told him, he took it well, yet again welled up in tears, apologized for not being there for me and told me he was not even aware how much time had slipped away....we had not talked in a week. My dog then ended up dying soon after that. he was right there for me. Told me I could call him at work, was texting me to make sure I was okay. He was a huge support. I had some situations with my work that he and I talked about and he again was a big support. The pg scare finally brought my brain back to reality.

At the 7 month point I asked him if he could find some time for us to get together and catch up and we set up a time. We talked for 2 hours about what he had going on in his life and what I had been doing. Then he told me that he just did not have the time to spend with me like he knew I wanted, that he was fine to be by himself and that he knew that a relationship needs time together to grow. he told me I was the full package and I deserved someone that could spend time with me. He also told me that he realized we were not on the same page when I mentioned meeting family....I just needed think that I should have ever been a secret....my word, the man is 51 and he needs to please his family? I told him I did not understand how he could say all these things about me as he claimed to have liked and then just tossed me away. He went back to his thinking that it would be a tough road for us with him being black and me being white. I really felt like a knife to the heart. We did connect on so many levels. I had not been that close to a man since my first marriage.

I did get a text from him the very next day asking me how I was saying that he had a very hard day (because of the break up) and that he could only imagine what I was dealing with. This really ticked me off! We talked about life in general for two hours before he dumps me. He gives me this big hug and kiss before we part ways and now he is asking me how I am? I didn't take it well. I texted him back and I told him it was good to hear that he had a bad day as it showed he might have actually cared. I told him that it seemed he was talking out both sides of his mouth to say all these nice things about me and then just toss it all away. I asked him if the whole set up with his family's lack of acceptance was just a smoke screen. he called me immediately, angry that I would doubt his honesty and his integrity. I told him I had to get off the phone. He then texted me this long text saying the same, that he was sincere, that this was about things out of his control. we have not spoke since and no more texts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're going to analyze this thing to death, aren't you? In the two months where you were sexually active, you had sex what? Maybe a dozen times? You can look at it like you were just another notch on his bedpost or you can look at it like this guy is not relationship material. It had nothing to do with you. He has problems and you can thank your lucky stars it ended as quickly as it did.

You put aside your reservations to have sex with him the first time. In the future, don't do that.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You're going to analyze this thing to death, aren't you? In the two months where you were sexually active, you had sex what? Maybe a dozen times? You can look at it like you were just another notch on his bedpost or you can look at it like this guy is not relationship material. It had nothing to do with you. He has problems and you can thank your lucky stars it ended as quickly as it did.
> 
> You put aside your reservations to have sex with him the first time. In the future, don't do that.


I don't think any man I have had a serious relationship was relationship material unfortunately! I passed up the warning signs with all only to regret it later. I guess I really need to work on the red flags. With some men it is real easy and I think it is those I feel no connection to but in this case I was willing to give him a chance. I gave in to my own temptation, realizing that there was potential for this to have a bad ending. I need to chalk it up to a lesson learned and try a little harder to keep my head clear and not get so wrapped up emotionally until I feel I really know the guy. I think that has been my downfall.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I don't think any man I have had a serious relationship was relationship material unfortunately! I passed up the warning signs with all only to regret it later. I guess I really need to work on the red flags. With some men it is real easy and I think it is those I feel no connection to but in this case I was willing to give him a chance. I gave in to my own temptation, realizing that there was potential for this to have a bad ending. I need to chalk it up to a lesson learned and try a little harder to keep my head clear and not get so wrapped up emotionally until I feel I really know the guy. I think that has been my downfall.


I think you need to figure out why you attract these types of men. We have all attracted people that aren't in our best interests before, but you'll keep attracting this emotionally unavailable/narcissistic/commitment phobic type of guy if you don't look at what signals are you sending to men who approach you. You seem like a super nice person, which is a good thing, but if you offer too much of yourself too quickly (emotionally), are over obliging, are too accommodating to men you don't know well, you will get used and played like this guy did. You give away too much too soon on an emotional level, and good healthy minded guys will appreciate that, but there are narcissistic type guys out there who will take advantage. 

I think you'll stop analyzing him, when you start analyzing you. That's where you'll make some progress.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Okay, I've looked at your timeline of relationship events. I think you missed a big flag early on. The months and months of the relationship consisting mostly of texting, calls, instead of real life experiences together. Next time, if this ever happens again, you can know to cut it off and move on *really early* if the guy doesn't have the time or mental/life to build a relationship with shared time and experiences. 

Pre sex flag: never have sex again with a man who needs to keep you a secret from his family. 

If you've never really experienced a great relationship, it's hard to know what kind of things are possible and to hold out FOR. I'm right there with you in that regard.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I think you need to figure out why you attract these types of men. We have all attracted people that aren't in our best interests before, but you'll keep attracting this emotionally unavailable/narcissistic/commitment phobic type of guy if you don't look at what signals are you sending to men who approach you. You seem like a super nice person, which is a good thing, but if you offer too much of yourself too quickly (emotionally), are over obliging, are too accommodating to men you don't know well, you will get used and played like this guy did. You give away too much too soon on an emotional level, and good healthy minded guys will appreciate that, but there are narcissistic type guys out there who will take advantage.
> 
> I think you'll stop analyzing him, when you start analyzing you. That's where you'll make some progress.


I think you are right....I am a very giving person, very understanding and I think I give too much. I ahve certainly been working on me but obviously the work is not done yet. I might go back to counseling.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I think you are right....I am a very giving person, very understanding and I think I give too much. I ahve certainly been working on me but obviously the work is not done yet. I might go back to counseling.


And that's totally cool. Just continue being you, but when we give too soon, before we know someone well enough, the wrong guy might take advantage. You can do this!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> And that's totally cool. Just continue being you, but when we give too soon, before we know someone well enough, the wrong guy might take advantage. You can do this!


I am reading a real good book, "The Disease to Please" by Harriet B Braiker. As I read thru it I realize in some areas of my life I do have a need to please while other areas I can draw those boundaries. Infact with many men (most) I can draw boundaries and very quickly. I have several male friends who, some of which have voiced their interest in me and I have made it clear to them I respect their friendship. With time with these men I have developed relationships where they can tell me personal information on their thinking when dating/dumping some woman and I have found it to be very informative. I have found too often get themselves into relationships falling for someone who has a certain look and they are not focusing on who the person is until reality slams them somehow. These men have supported me and I have supported them yet they know I would never date them. 

With the dentist I think it was more of a romantic illusion. I seriously had years of pent-up fantasies that had ran thru my head the years I spent in my marriage with a very detached emotionally unavailable man and here was someone that thought the world of me (at least that was what he was saying and I wanted to believe) and I ate it up like a starving horse at the trough. I have encountered men like this before and have had no problem resisting. I think I was in a vulnerable state and like I mentioned, I did see the warnings by I chose to bypass them. So I willingly put myself in this to play out what I had so badly wanted for so many years.


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