# How to live in the same house while divorcing?



## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

After years of trying to keep my marriage alive, I finally realised I was banging my head against a brick wall, gave up and filed for divorce. I've got my decree nisi and will apply for the decree absolute when the financial arrangement is agreed. We had a buyer for our house and although it is extremely difficult living under the same roof, I was hanging on, knowing that the end was in sight.

However, our buyer has 'disappeared' and the house is back on the market with no current interest as August is a quiet month. My STBEx is angry that I am divorcing him, he constantly says 'I can't believe what you've done to me' and says I have ruined our children's future. They are 19 and 21 and are happy that I am seeking a divorce and looking forward to living in a happy home where their friends are welcome (he doesn't allow visitors into our home). I think he thought he could make no effort (no physical or emotional intimacy for years, no socialising, etc) and yet maintain the status quo so feels aggrieved that I chose to end things. He is becoming increasingly drunk and abusive toward me and the girls. I was pushed out of the bedroom about 2 years ago and have nowhere to sleep; he controls the space, the living room, the TV, etc. The girls and I keep out of his way and try not to make him angry.

I don't want to leave; firstly because I have every right to be here and I need a roof over my head; secondly, because I worry about what he will do to the house and how he might jeopardise any potential sale. I need to keep a close eye on things and keep the house clean and well maintained to secure a sale; thirdly, I do not want to waste money on rent that could go towards buying a better house and future for me and the girls. He is stubborn and won't leave - which is fair enough as its his house too.

I'm trying to be reasonable with him but feel it is like trying to appease a madman. I was putting up with things whilst the sale was going through and I could see light at the end of the tunnel, but now it's fallen through, I'm starting to feel depressed - my low days are becoming more frequent. The girls and I just want to get on with our lives but he is making home life incredibly unpleasant and can't seem to accept that the relationship is over, or indeed that it has been dead for a long time. 

The divorce will likely be final next month and I feel that he still won't accept it then. He doesn't seem to grasp what divorce means. I can't understand this as he didn't want a relationship with me and didn't do anything despite my repeated attempts to discuss things, refused to come to counselling with me, just stonewalled all my efforts. 

So next month we will be divorced, yet everything will be the same??

What advice can you give me to get me through the next six months to a year before the house is sold and we can finally move on?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Is it really going to take 6 months? Why so long? 
Why don't you just reduce the price?

Personally, I kicked my cheating wife out. I knew there was no way I could live with her in the house. The pain was simply too much.

What you have to decide is what you need to look after yourself and what you can cope with.

Personally I think it is highly damaging to stay in an environment as you describe (be honest with yourself and make sure it is as you say).

If you want my opinion, it sounds like it falls on your shoulders if you need to be away from him. You will have to move out and rent. But, until you are divorced, there is no reason why the finds for renting shouldn't come from a joint account.

Worst case, just cough up and rent. You don't have to spend a lot.

Is there any chance he will buy half the house from you?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Ii had to leave the house when my husband decided he no longer wanted me there. Okay, maybe I could have refused and stay put, but why be miserable longer than I had to be? I am renting an apartment and he is supposed to be getting the house ready to sell. And yet eight months later, he has not done a thing and the house is likely worse than ever and he was shocked and enraged when I filed for a legal separation last month. He seems determined to fight and make things ugly. He is beside himself that I am asking for a sum that should be half of the house profit. 

I guess my point is, sometimes things will go from bad to worse and the greatest solace I have is my own space. I would have lost my mind completely if I had remained in the house in the hopes he would eventually leave. 

You can stay, but you may find this will drag on until he is ordered by a court to leave and then he still doesn't, so you have to involve law enforcement etc...it is up to you how much you can stand. I can barely afford my life alone but not sure I can count on actually getting anything anyway so figured I may as well not wait on getting my new life going. Good luck.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Can you possibly sign a promissory note w some cash to get him on his way?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Your girls are adults so they can move out of the house when they want to. It shouldn't take 6 months to a year, we just sold our house and closed in 6 weeks. Reduce the price of the house for a quicker sale. Can one of you buy each other out so that one of you can move out? Until then stay out of the house keeping busy as much as possible since neither one of you want to move out.

I'll never understand spouses who don't want a divorce but act like crazy people and don't even try to be nice and fix the problems in the marriage so you can keep the marriage together.


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## sadwife2012 (Aug 19, 2012)

We can't reduce the house price as we need to buy two houses out of the proceeds and the legal process of buying and selling takes on average 5 months if everything in the chain progresses smoothly. Renting will eat into the funds available for that as it's incredibly expensive in the UK. yes, the girls are adults but they can't afford a place of their own. We had a couple of joint accounts but he cleared them out and closed them and won't say where the money is.

I suppose I'm really looking for psychological advice on how I can adjust my mindset to deal with this until I can finally get out and get on with my life. I was hanging on in there as I was expecting to be in my own place by the end of August, so being back to square one four months down the line has been a bit of a blow.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We're separating (can't afford the divorce paperwork yet) at the moment and sharing a rented house while I look for a new apartment. Luckily, we have no assets to argue over, but this does leave me facing poverty for the foreseeable future. My H barely earns anything (which has been one of the contributing factors to our split) so how he will manage to make the rent and bills in the future, I really don't know. I expect he will be asking his elderly father to help out (another contributory factor). When we first discussed the fact that I'm looking for somewhere else to live, he promised to help me with the move, etc (we have a van that we sometimes use to do moving jobs for people) and that he would help out as much as possible with finding me furniture and a woodfired stove if I move into an unfurnished place, which is quite likely as I am looking for the cheapest apartment I can find. In return, I decided that I would make sure I leave him enough of the household items - all the kitchen bits and bobs, bedding, towels, cleaning stuff is mine. However, after an argument last night, he's now told me that he won't help at all (telling me to f**k off and calling me a nasty piece of work because I went out with a couple of girl friends). I'm now wondering what to do about all the household stuff - part of me wants to retaliate and take the lot but the better part of me is saying to still share the stuff with him so that he doesn't have to buy new stuff. I'm going to try to be the bigger person here and do the right thing, though his decision means that the actual move is now going to cost me quite a bit. 

Living in the same house while you're going through a divorce or separation sucks, I'm determined to get out as fast as I possibly can and I wish you luck OP in getting out fast too.


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## nikon09 (Aug 15, 2015)

I live in somewhat of a similar situation but I'm not as far along in this process as you. I'm miserably unhappy everyday and have been for several years now but because I have 3 young kids, I haven't been able to leave because of financial reasons. In order to get through this, I wake up everyday and try and see the positive in anything. I have to tell myself to put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. Eventually you'll get there. Ignore him and all of his negativity. Block it out and remind yourself that you're doing the right thing for you and your kids. I feel sorry for him that he has chosen to live his life so miserably. 

I talk to friends, take walks, listen to music or do anything else to get me out of the house for a little while and distract me from the unhappiness. Take care of yourself, even with little things. Before you know it, the days will pass and you will be out of there!


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