# Disrespectful / Rude or Power Dynamic or WTF? Grrrrr.



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I was upstairs in the bedroom writing music as the living room was unavailable because my family was watching a movie. The movie ended. Kids went to bed. My wife came upstairs, opened the door to the bedroom, turned off the light, started talking to me about the movie and, moving things around on the bed. Took off to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed. 

I'm thinking she's going to bed. Nope. She is upstairs in the in bed watching TV. 

The thing that is upsetting me is the way in which she did it. She did not ask me what I was doing. She did not seem to give an F about me one way or the other. I had been up in that room for 3 hours. In she walked and just expected as I could tell from the way she was behaving that I would get out. 

So I ask - Was that disrespectful and rude? Inconsiderate? 

Am I a doormat er what?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you felt it was rude, then it was rude.

You get to define how your wife treats you.

You do this by treating her the way you expect BOTH of you to treat each other. Say please, thank you, and whatever else is considered proper mutual respect in your world.

The second thing you do is call her out when she is not treating you the way you want her to. Example, Wife, I was doing something in here... Are you trying to ask me to go somewhere else?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Difficult to say what was going on in her mind.

For example she could have been in like a “waking dream state” where she is totally incognisant (lacking knowledge or awareness) of what’s going on around her. A lot of people sleep walk their way through their lives at times, that’s why that Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books book goes down so well here on TAM. It kind of wakes them up to what’s going on inside of them and around them.


Or it could have been passive aggression. In that instead of the above she was totally conscious, aware and mindful of what you were doing and thought out a sequence of events (a planned action) while watching the movie that would somewhat mess you off, annoy you and put you in a state of discomfort. And then carried out her plan.



Or it could be that she truly and totally disrespects you and has no appreciation for you whatsoever and because of that totally disregards your needs.


All of the above can be classified as shet tests. An event in your life you can use for self improvement.


If you look to historical events you may be able to see a pattern of one of the above. If you didn’t get angry, you did very well but you still may benefit from reading Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.

Also http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Your-N...4400/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1346613764&sr=8-3.



How did you respond to what she did?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Whichever of the above it was, you should have put her across your knee and smacked her bum. She’d hopefully giggle, you’d have sex and she’d be a bit more mindful next time.


Unless of course she wants her bum smacked again.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

LOL!

I don't know if this is what Bob meant but sometimes I can walk into a situation and not realise immediately what is going on. Usually because I have something on my mind, or I have my mind set on doing something in particular and am busy thinking about that rather than what is directly in front of me - knowing that any one (or usually more than one at the same time!) child will probably interrupt. Or if I'm in a particularly chirpy mood and fancy a bit of a chat and to share something I go bounding about like a small puppy and don't twig I've interrupted the husband til he points it out with an amused look on his face 

For me, I usually feel a bit stupid and embarrassed once I realise  

Did she know what you were doing upstairs? Is it possible she might've not realised you were writing music and maybe just wanted your company? Not excusing it if it annoyed you but she may have genuinely not realised rather than doing it deliberately to p!ss you off?


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

How about rewinding just a bit. Why were you upstairs instead of spending quality time with your family watching a movie? Is it possible she coped an attitude about that? Or that something happened earlier where you decided to separate yourself from your family?

A number of your other threads revolve around getting more quality time with your W and her apparent resistance to it. Maybe she is looking for some effort from you to be part of the family.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

rj700 said:


> How about rewinding just a bit. Why were you upstairs instead of spending quality time with your family watching a movie? Is it possible she coped an attitude about that? Or that something happened earlier where you decided to separate yourself from your family?
> 
> A number of your other threads revolve around getting more quality time with your W and her apparent resistance to it. Maybe she is looking for some effort from you to be part of the family.


Thanks for the great replies. 

No. She may have cop'd a 'tude but here I think it was a case of what AFEH said about just not being aware. I have made serious efforts to get my wife and I to spend more quality time together. Just us without the kids. I can tell you that after being rejected so many times this guy is done with that as it makes me feel like she's just not interested in spending time alone with me. And I do believe at the time I should have asked her to treat me with more respect.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

CM I have to ask the same as 700....

You were upstairs for 3 hours. Was your W a little put out that you left her and the family down stairs for all that time ?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm rather interested in why you didn't just ask her to put the light back on and "just hang on a few minutes" whilst you finished what you were doing?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Pault said:


> CM I have to ask the same as 700....
> 
> You were upstairs for 3 hours. Was your W a little put out that you left her and the family down stairs for all that time ?


The "family" had an additional member in the room as my daughter was having a friend sleep over. The movie night is Friday night and frankly I'm not into it. Gawking at a screen for 2+hours isn't my idea of "family time" but I have spent time doing this though on an infrequent basis. I can't get my wife to go on a walk with me why would she be put out that I can't watch a movie with the family? She probably prefers it that way. 

I cannot do anything else in any other room downstairs as I would "bother" the movie watchers. So I went upstairs.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I'm rather interested in why you didn't just ask her to put the light back on and "just hang on a few minutes" whilst you finished what you were doing?


Next time I will.....


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> My wife came upstairs, opened the door to the bedroom, turned off the light, started talking to me about the movie and, moving things around on the bed. Took off to the bathroom to start getting ready for bed.
> 
> I'm thinking she's going to bed. Nope. She is upstairs in the in bed watching TV.


I think she was just trying to get your attention in a slightly dysfunctional way


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I think she was just trying to get your attention in a slightly dysfunctional way


Perhaps, I did not think about it like that. Interesting indeed.


----------



## bh76 (Sep 28, 2012)

I don't think it is any more than her wanting adult companionship after spending so much time with children. she probably didn't even think there was anything rude or inconsiderate about it.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

bh76 said:


> I don't think it is any more than her wanting adult companionship after spending so much time with children. she probably didn't even think there was anything rude or inconsiderate about it.


Perhaps. But really she was just going to bed and wanted me to leave the room and didn't ask.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

> The thing that is upsetting me is the way in which she did it. She did not ask me what I was doing. She did not seem to give an F about me one way or the other. I had been up in that room for 3 hours. In she walked and just expected as I could tell from the way she was behaving that I would get out.
> 
> So I ask - Was that disrespectful and rude? Inconsiderate?
> 
> Am I a doormat er what?





> Originally Posted by Cosmos
> I'm rather interested in why you didn't just ask her to put the light back on and "just hang on a few minutes" whilst you finished what you were doing?





CanadianGuy said:


> Next time I will.....


Well, you kind of answer your own question. I can't imagine she can respect a man who let himself be treated as you let do. You have to 'man up' as they call it here


----------

