# Should I go along with it for now?



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My wife is depressed and she's in talk therapy. We just went to our first evaluation for couples therapy and will have a follow up very soon. 

So my wife, at the suggestion of her therapist has been going to yoga. She seems to be enjoying it. 

The other day, she was talking about how much she enjoyed this yoga class, and she did it with another mother and was planning on going regularly. I was happy for her, but I didn't put two and two together. Yesterday, she asked if I could bring my daughter to work. I had a few meetings, but was able to get my mother to come in and help. 

Last night, she mentioned cancelling her gym membership and going to only this particular yoga class. I asked her if she was planning on having me take my daughter to work twice a week. She said yes, and that I offered. I don't think I offered that. I think in general, I talked about my family and how they can step in and help. I mostly meant for DR's appointments. I also may have suggested going to a 7:30am class, offering to take my son to school and watch my daughter before work. 

So she's a bit disappointed. I feel like she was unreasonable. She feels like I offered something and then revoked it. 

This feels a lot like the same issue we have where she expects me to jump through hoops so she has a little bit of free time when she wants it. I feel like she needs to just manage gher time better. She doesn't want to go to yoga early or too late, but maybe that's the only time she can. 

Do I wait on this and bring it up with the therapist, or do I bring it up and end it now?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

She seriously wants you to TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK, two days a week??

What world is she living in???

Do you own your own business, or are you just going to tell your boss that you are babysitting while your wife goes to yoga??

H*ll no, you shouldn't just "go along with this."

Don't wait for the counselor. Cinch up your drawers and tell her to find another class.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> She seriously wants you to TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK, two days a week??
> 
> What world is she living in???
> 
> ...


I do own my own business, which is why she thinks it's OK. I can also have up to 3 meetings a day on Wed. Owning my own business just means that I can be as professional or unprofessional as I want and my business will succeed or fail as I run it. 

But, when I say go along with this, I mean until my next session. Next week. Do I wait to have the discussion until we're in front of a therapist? She was really disappointed when I suggested that I couldn't do this weekly or even twice a week. She feels like I'm not being fair or that I offered and revoked the offer.

I guess the question is, will the therapist be a mediator for us? Honestly, that's what I need.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, well that explains her request a little bit more. Although I still think it's an unreasonable one.

I would not go along with it this week (no need to establish a precedence right? "But you did it LAST week with no problem!") or any other week.

And I WOULD bring it up in front of the counselor so he/she can see how unreasonable your wife is being. I practice yoga too and unless you're living in a podunk town with only one studio, I can tell you there are classes offered every day, all day long, well into the evenings, and on weekends too.

And she is being disingenuous; you did not "revoke" your offer. You helped out graciously in a one-time pinch. She is taking advantage of you.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She asked you to take you daughter to work for that one time. Now she assumes you are fine with taking your daughter to work twice a week? Is she a SAHM? Is so then she needs to go to yoga either early in the morning or at night when you can watch your children at their house. You family relies on what you make at your business, then you need to concentrate on making money at your business and not on watching your child. I would tell that to her now. She is being unreasonable.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

You bring this up with wife right now. Tell her than you can take daughter to work when there is an emergency, but that having a child at work twice a week is not permitted by your employer. Then sit down with her and brainstorm every possible option to try to make this work. Is she taking the yoga class at same time as the other mother? What is the other mother doing?

Is there daycare at the yoga class or can you find a local daycare that will take daughter for a couple of hours twice a week? Move mountains to try to get this to work for wife, without making it difficult for you. Do not suggest she need to better manage her time. Your position here is that you are happy she is doing this, you are very support and together you both will work out a solution.

You did not say if she is SAHM. If yes, her getting out is as important to her as working to provide for your family is to you.

BTW, are there any MEN in this particular yoga class at this specific time?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, well that explains her request a little bit more. Although I still think it's an unreasonable one.
> 
> I would not go along with it this week (no need to establish a precedence right? "But you did it LAST week with no problem!") or any other week.
> 
> ...


I'm always willing to cover or watch the kids if she has a doctors appointment. Doctors appointments can be hard to get. It's best to take them when they are available. Therapy, the same. My parents are also almost always there to help. They live next door. But, I would hate to ask them for a favor that's twice a week indefinitely. 

Though yoga is for her well being, it's still recreational. That's kind of where I draw the line. 

I did tell her to figure out all of the available yoga studios. So we could schedule it at a good time. I thought we would schedule it together, but next thing I know it's Mon, Wed and Fri at 9am. 

I'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe she'll take the 7:30am class. She doesn't like waking up early, but I did tell her that's the only way I get stuff done.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> She asked you to take you daughter to work for that one time. Now she assumes you are fine with taking your daughter to work twice a week? Is she a SAHM? Is so then she needs to go to yoga either early in the morning or at night when you can watch your children at their house. You family relies on what you make at your business, then you need to concentrate on making money at your business and not on watching your child. I would tell that to her now. She is being unreasonable.


Yes. That's kind of how it played out. She is a SAHM. We're trying to come up with time for herself.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> You bring this up with wife right now. Tell her than you can take daughter to work when there is an emergency, but that having a child at work twice a week is not permitted by your employer. Then sit down with her and brainstorm every possible option to try to make this work. Is she taking the yoga class at same time as the other mother? What is the other mother doing?
> 
> Is there daycare at the yoga class or can you find a local daycare that will take daughter for a couple of hours twice a week? Move mountains to try to get this to work for wife, without making it difficult for you. Do not suggest she need to better manage her time. Your position here is that you are happy she is doing this, you are very support and together you both will work out a solution.
> 
> ...


The GYM did have a babysitter, or children's room. But, she prefers this class. 

I know what's right, but I also know my wife. She's going to be upset that I'm making her go to a class at an inconvenient time. 

For me, having kids meant that I would be doing all of my recreational activities at inconvenient times.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> I'm always willing to cover or watch the kids if she has a doctors appointment. Doctors appointments can be hard to get. It's best to take them when they are available. Therapy, the same.


I agree that important appointments call for some flexibility on everyone's part. But if you worked for an employer, you likely would not be able to take off from work anytime your wife had an appointment or therapy.

It sounds like you both could benefit from a part-time sitter. Is it in your budget to afford this? When my kids were little, I hired a college student (found her through the Education Department at our local college) to come for a few hours, one or two days per week. Then your wife could schedule appointments (or yoga) reliably around the sitter's hours.

Just a thought...


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I agree that important appointments call for some flexibility on everyone's part. But if you worked for an employer, you likely would not be able to take off from work anytime your wife had an appointment or therapy.
> 
> It sounds like you both could benefit from a part-time sitter. Is it in your budget to afford this? When my kids were little, I hired a college student (found her through the Education Department at our local college) to come for a few hours, one or two days per week. Then your wife could schedule appointments (or yoga) reliably around the sitter's hours.
> 
> Just a thought...



I appreciate the advice. 

I do feel like every time my wife asks for something unreasonable, myself and my family will jump through hoops to help her. Hiring a baby sitter really seems like I'd be enabling her unreasonable demands. 

I can see myself getting resentful over that. I can't hire someone to go to work for me, can I? 

She has an open offer to have a housekeeper come twice a week. Maybe if it was either or. Between the two, I think it would be about 20% of my income. 

What are reasonable expectations for a SAHM when it comes to watching the kids and housework?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> Maybe she'll take the 7:30am class. She doesn't like waking up early, but I did tell her that's the only way I get stuff done.


I don't like getting up early, either. But I do. I work a full-time job. I don't like to go to the evening workouts so I get up at 5:00 a.m. 5x a week to get my workout in before I go to work. If she wants/needs it bad enough, she'll acclimate. If it were me, I'd request she choose another class time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> What are reasonable expectations for a SAHM when it comes to watching the kids and housework?


Ok, I see that there is more to the story. A SAHM is expected to work within the family budget and schedule, as are you.

But there has to be balance of her having a life. We see a lot of SAHM start affairs once the kids get a little older. 

You get go to office, work outside the home and get to interact with people. Yes, it a job and some jobs svck, but you still get out.

What makes this specific class time so important? Is the other mother there at same time? Is there a different gym/yoga company she can go to that has better hours or in-house daycare while the clients are exercising?

But as you point out, this specific yoga issue is symptomatic of a larger problem, so my earlier advice may not apply.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> Hiring a baby sitter really seems like I'd be enabling her unreasonable demands.
> 
> I can see myself getting resentful over that. I can't hire someone to go to work for me, can I?


Ok, now YOU are starting to sound a bit unreasonable. Your wife is entitled to a few hours per week of adult time, just as a full time employee gets an hour a day to themselves for lunch. Not to mention they get adult interaction and a chance to hang out at the water cooler and chat.



lessthennone said:


> What are reasonable expectations for a SAHM when it comes to watching the kids and housework?


Again, I laid out what I thought was reasonable. A part-time sitter and/or a once a week or once every two weeks housekeeper if you can afford it.

She's already in therapy for her issues. You should be looking for ways to help your wife alleviate her problems, not lay down a gauntlet that she's not entitled to a few hours per week to herself. *Depression is no small thing.* If yoga makes her happy, and you can afford a sitter, problem solved. If you cannot afford a sitter, then she'll have to go in the morning or evenings like the rest of us.

Just my 2 cents.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Ok, I see that there is more to the story. A SAHM is expected to work within the family budget and schedule, as are you.
> 
> But there has to be balance of her having a life. We see a lot of SAHM start affairs once the kids get a little older.
> 
> ...


I agree about balancing a life of her own. Going to the gym is something I'm in complete agreement with. I just didn't think it was while I was at work. 

She did say that she doesn't want to wake up earlier then 7am. I thought the 7:30 am class seemed to fit the bill perfectly. I involves some musical cars, and me getting the kids ready in the morning, but I tend to do that anyways. The only change for her is that she'll have to wake up earlier. She likes to sleep. 

The other option is a class that's after my work. I'm OK with that as well.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

She is a SAHM. There are alot of yoga classes in the world. She needs to pick a yoga class where either there is childcare or fits into the family schedule. You having to take the kids to work is ridiculous. Her "job" is to manage the household. She needs to manage her own time and get up early if she needs to.

Address it with the counselor. The "princess" needs a reality check.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

No, end it now. She's making your mother come to take on responsibilities of her's early in the morning on a regular basis so she can go to a yoga class? That's definitely unreasonable. You offered this basically as a one time deal, not to be a routine. 

Too much is made of women trying to get others to to things for them so they can have a "break" . In so doing, they are making things difficult for others and being quite selfish. If you let this go, she will be making more demands. I would bring this up with the therapist because it definitely demonstrats the level of her selfishness.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> I agree about balancing a life of her own. Going to the gym is something I'm in complete agreement with. *I just didn't think it was while I was at work.*


What is so wrong with her having some semblance of a life while you're at work? Why is it important to you that she HAS to be at home while you're at work? Being a SAHM does not mean a ball and chain.

It's becoming clearer as to some of the reasons she might be depressed.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

lessthennone said:
Original post 
"What are reasonable expectations for a SAHM when it comes to watching the kids and housework?"

In my opinion, SAHMs should be doing all the cooking, cleaning, kid stuff, finances, anything required to make the household run. There are certain sacrifices that come with the decisions you make. Lack of adult interaction is one when you decide to stay home and raise the children. There are other outlets for that, btw... how about playdates with other mothers? 

And you've offered to hire a housekeeper as well?!? I can't believe someone suggested a part time babysitter. That's absurd. 

I think she's being spoiled. Tell her to work it around her kids and responsibilities, the way everyone else does.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Peaf said:


> And you've offered to hire a housekeeper as well?!? I can't believe someone suggested a part time babysitter. *That's absurd.*


That was me who suggested a part-time sitter. And there's nothing absurd about it at all.

Women have to go to the gyno, we have dentist appointments, we have hair appointments, we get invited to lunch with adult female friends, and in OP's case, his wife has therapy appointments... what's so absurd about a sitter a few hours per month to operate like a normal adult who has normal engagements? Sometimes we just want to go somewhere by our damn selves.

Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I have to have kids joined at the hip each and every hour of each and every day. Sheesh...

OP's wife is depressed. Get a sitter or deal with a possible nervous breakdown. You pick.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Oh, and sorry, to answer you question: no, don't wait til the appt, discuss it with her now and figure out something that works for everyone.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Happy, he already made it clear that he was available for doc appts, therapy apps, things that are important. 

Sounds like MIL is also picking up slack when W has needs. So, in ADDITION to those accommodations, H should also pay for a part time babysitter? All because she chooses to sleep in and "can't" attend a different yoga class? Priorities.....

Yes. I think that is ridiculous.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Yes. For the doctor we will cover at any time. My mother also takes her to the salon weekly for nails.

I have Monday and Tuesday off. She can do anything she wants on those days. 

Also... A few hours a month doesnmt sound bad, but she's talking about 9 hours a week. 3 of those are no problem because I'm off work. 6 hours a week. $15/hr. $360/mo. 

If it was me alone, I wouldn't hire someone. I'd want to save the money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> Also... A few hours a month doesnmt sound bad, but she's talking about 9 hours a week. 3 of those are no problem because I'm off work. 6 hours a week. $15/hr. $360/mo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Try looking for a mother's morning out program at your local ymca or nearby church. These are very affordable. Our church runs one that goes M, Wed, Fri from 8:30 to 11:30 and they charge $180 per month. Might be worth looking into it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> What are reasonable expectations for a SAHM when it comes to watching the kids and housework?


 SAHM means stay at home mom. Notice the "mom" part. She is suppose to be staying at home to focus on being a parent, while you focus on working so that you can pay the bills. That is the deal. In a 5 day work week, her expecting you to cover 2 of those 5 days as she covers only 3 days, is is her asking that you parent 40% of the work week while she parents only 60% of the work week, and at the same time expecting you to do 100% of the work to pay the bills. This is selfish and unfair. If she no longer wants to be a full time SAHM, tell her to get a part time job to cover baby sitting cost and to help contribute to paying the bills.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> Also... A few hours a month doesnmt sound bad, but she's talking about 9 hours a week. 3 of those are no problem because I'm off work. 6 hours a week. $15/hr. $360/mo.
> 
> If it was me alone, I wouldn't hire someone. I'd want to save the money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP, weren't you the one posting earlier about spending $5000 for purse and $1500 shoes for your wife's birthdays?

And you don't want to spend $360/month for your wife to have fun and stay in healthy shape and help with the depression, as the therapist suggested? 

Is this another issue about you not being able to say "No" to your wife or is it a money issue?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> OP, weren't you the one posting earlier about spending $5000 for purse and $1500 shoes for your wife's birthdays?
> 
> And you don't want to spend $360/month for your wife to have fun and stay in healthy shape and help with the depression, as the therapist suggested?
> 
> Is this another issue about you not being able to say "No" to your wife or is it a money issue?


When I say no, she thinks I'm being unreasonable and makes my life hell! I didn't buy the purse. I couldn't afford the purse. You need to re-read that thread if that's what you got out of it. My issue is that she asks for these gifts that are just way too expensive and then gets mad when I say we cannot afford them. So you tell me, is that a money issue or me not being able to say "no"?

Last week, she was really upset that we were going to couples therapy. She was exasperated. I asked her what would make her happy. She said a vacation. So I said OK, let's go on vacation. She started looking at vacations that were going to be $15k+. I told her we couldn't afford that. $5k was my budget. Sure, I could max out my CC, but is that responsible? Is it unreasonable to have a budget? 

I booked the vacation and we're going to a luxury resort with the kids. We're staying in a very nice room with an ocean view. She's still upset that I didn't get a nicer room that would cost 2-3x what I'm paying. 

The same thing keeps happening. She flips out over something, and I throw money at it. My money is limited. This vacation is a stretch for me, but it's for her health. As is yoga. As is therapy. As is the housekeeper. As is the GYM. For her health, that is. 

$360/mo sounds very reasonable. But, it's on top of a lot of other expenses. And if she chose to go to the gym at 6:30pm, it wouldn't cost anything. 

But, yes. Maybe it's a money issue. I don't have enough money to make her happy. I will bring that up with the therapist.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Wow, she sounds like a spoiled little girl. So you get to do all the work and worry about responsibilities and she's crying that the vacation isn't good enough. Some people just don't know how good they have it. Did her parents spoil her and bend to her every whim?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife needs some timely advice


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

^^^exactly! 
And cancel the vacation since it isn't good enough.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Peaf said:


> Wow, she sounds like a spoiled little girl. So you get to do all the work and worry about responsibilities and she's crying that the vacation isn't good enough. Some people just don't know how good they have it. Did her parents spoil her and bend to her every whim?


No. Her parents didn't seem to spoil her. Before we had kids, we had a lot more disposable income. She also used to work, so we had her income as well. Now, we have less income, more of a reason to be saving; and her tastes are getting more expensive. 

She is struggling terribly with depression and being a SAHM. I'm desperate to fix it, but have no idea what to do. 

I can't tell if giving her what she asks for is helpful or not. If I gave her everything she asked for, I'd be broke and out of work.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Peaf said:


> ^^^exactly!
> And cancel the vacation since it isn't good enough.


The vacation was her idea, but it's really for all of us. The kids specifically. I'm excited to see them excited. 

She's also excited and it will help us relax. But that doesn't stop her negative thoughts from suggesting that it's not good enough. 

We do need a vacation. The issue is that if we wait until we can afford her dream vacation, we'll never go. 

I think it'll be good for us. Otherwise, I wouldn't have said yes.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> Peaf said:
> 
> 
> > Wow, she sounds like a spoiled little girl. So you get to do all the work and worry about responsibilities and she's crying that the vacation isn't good enough. Some people just don't know how good they have it. Did her parents spoil her and bend to her every whim?
> ...



If your wife is struggling with being a SAHM why doesn't she go back to work? Not all women want or are happy being sahms. I know i wasn't .


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> If your wife is struggling with being a SAHM why doesn't she go back to work? Not all women want or are happy being sahms. I know i wasn't .


I had asked that in the most polite way I could and she acted as if it was a threat. I used qualifiers like "I'm not suggesting this, but if you wanted to go back to work..." It didn't go over well. She thinks I'm saying she's not good enough. 

A few days after that, she was suggesting that we buy a cycling franchise. Besides the fact that she hasn't cycled in years, I couldn't handle the stress of another key on my key-ring, another payroll, another set of taxes to do yearly, another potential call form the police or alarm company. I pretended I didn't hear it. Those are all of the things she suggests I neglect her over because I own my own business. 

This is why we're at the therapist.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I hated being a SAHM, and I was bad at it. I found it isolating, anxiety inducing and terribly depressing. Not all women love it, or are suited for it. Would you be okay with her going back to work, even part time, if she's simply found that staying at home doesn't suit her temperament? 

Also, you refer to "my daughter" but also make reference to "the kids". Am I correct in thinking that the children are both yours and your wife's? Or is she a stepmom to one or more? Your OP wasn't entirely clear on that and it can make a huge difference in the dynamic.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I hated being a SAHM, and I was bad at it. I found it isolating, anxiety inducing and terribly depressing. Not all women love it, or are suited for it. Would you be okay with her going back to work, even part time, if she's simply found that staying at home doesn't suit her temperament?
> 
> Also, you refer to "my daughter" but also make reference to "the kids". Am I correct in thinking that the children are both yours and your wife's? Or is she a stepmom to one or more? Your OP wasn't entirely clear on that and it can make a huge difference in the dynamic.



I'd be OK with her going back to work. I don't think she wants to. But, I'd be fine with it. 

The kids are both ours biologically. 3 and 5 years old.


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## theworkwidow (Feb 24, 2016)

Your wife has a serious entitlement issue. You need to decide whether you are going to continue to feed it.

If I were you, I'd look for ways to show her how good she's got it. Insist that your family volunteer in a soup kitchen. Get involved with Toys for Tots. Get involved in ANY sort of charity that might show her just how much she has compared to most of the world. Here's an idea for her - tell her to go find out what that $5000 could do to help someone on Go Fund Me who can't afford cancer treatment for their desperately ill 2 year old!

She's unhappy because you didn't buy her a $5000 purse? My husband makes 300k a year and my most expensive purse cost about $50. In fact the only valuable possessions I have are my iPhone, iPad, and MacBook. I don't even have an expensive car - just a 10 year old VW. All of which I bought with my own salary. 

One of the best cures for depression is charitable work. Not just money - time. I wonder if her therapist ever told her that?

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh but I just have absolutely no use for people who spend their money on status symbols while other people could have their whole lives changed for the cost of just one pair of bloody designer shoes.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

theworkwidow said:


> Your wife has a serious entitlement issue. You need to decide whether you are going to continue to feed it.
> 
> If I were you, I'd look for ways to show her how good she's got it. Insist that your family volunteer in a soup kitchen. Get involved with Toys for Tots. Get involved in ANY sort of charity that might show her just how much she has compared to most of the world. Here's an idea for her - tell her to go find out what that $5000 could do to help someone on Go Fund Me who can't afford cancer treatment for their desperately ill 2 year old!
> 
> ...


I like the way you think. We had done some charity work, and it made me feel great. 

Maybe I'll look into meals on wheels. She lost her grandparents recently, but they both contributed their time to the organization and eventually required their services. 

Thanks for that suggestion.

EDIT: I just called my wife and asked her if she had any interest in helping meals on wheels. She thought it was a great idea! I'm kind of psyched! This is one of the first times I made a suggestion that wasn't met with visceral negativity. My wife is a good person! This will bring out the best in her and myself. 

We're comparing schedules tonight, I'm calling tomorrow. It looks like we'll be available for them the week after next. We just have to juggle our schedule with all of these therapy appointments. 

Thanks again for the suggestion!


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Are you sure that she is actually going to a yoga class? I dated a girl who went to the gym 3 times a week except that on one of those days she was at Jim's, not the gym.  Be careful because depression often drives spouses to cheat. I did and know others who did too. There are places around here where you can exercise and leave your kids with their daycare providers on premises. Not saying she is cheating but just something to keep in mind since she is not very happy with you.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> Are you sure that she is actually going to a yoga class? I dated a girl who went to the gym 3 times a week except that on one of those days she was at Jim's, not the gym.  Be careful because depression often drives spouses to cheat. I did and know others who did too. There are places around here where you can exercise and leave your kids with their daycare providers on premises. Not saying she is cheating but just something to keep in mind since she is not very happy with you.


Yes. I pass by the yoga studio on my way to work.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

That is great news. Just give it time. I know about depression. I take my pill daily and my wife can tell when I stop taking my pills because I become impossible to live with. I really hope it works out for you. Depression can make you seek refuge in all kinds of things to take your mind off of whatever it is that is depressing you. Personally I find target shooting to work for me. It is an activity, like sky diving, that requires your full attention so you do not think about anything else but safety and hitting your targets.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's a little too easy to bash the wife here. I asked on your other thread what need she's trying to fill with stuff and that question wasn't answered there. 

Easier to call her names I suppose.

OP, staying at home isn't working for your wife. It didn't work for me and as has been pointed out didn't work for others here.

Your wife is depressed and unhappy but feels pressure to stay at home. A lot of women do. 

I'm going to guess you two aren't that close emotionally

She's seeking to fill this void with things. 

Tell your wife that she's a great mom but she seems unhappy, and maybe she'd be happier working. Your kids will be fine.

Then she'd have her own pocket money, after her reasonable contribution to the household of course.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> Yes. For the doctor we will cover at any time. * My mother also takes her to the salon weekly for nails.
> *
> I have Monday and Tuesday off. She can do anything she wants on those days.
> 
> ...


Why does your mother TAKE HER? Is she incapable of going on her own? Does she drive? (sorry if I missed that info)


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Annie123 said:


> Why does your mother TAKE HER? Is she incapable of going on her own? Does she drive? (sorry if I missed that info)


I guess I should have said my mother treats her to manicure and pedicures. My mother watches the kids while my wife gets the pedicure. She (my wife)does drive, but this is something my mother does to give her some time to herself. My mother bends over backwards to help us out. 

Tomorrow, my mother is watching the kids wife my wife goes to yoga. Next week, my wife is going to try the 7:30am class.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> I guess I should have said my mother treats her to manicure and pedicures. My mother watches the kids while my wife gets the pedicure. She does drive, but this is something my mother does to give her some time to herself. My mother bends over backwards to help us out.
> 
> Tomorrow, my mother is watching the kids wife my wife goes to yoga. Next week, my wife is going to try the 7:30am class.


That's really nice of your mother :smile2:


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's a little too easy to bash the wife here. I asked on your other thread what need she's trying to fill with stuff and that question wasn't answered there.
> 
> Easier to call her names I suppose.
> 
> ...


I guess I thought your question was rhetorical. Honestly, I have no idea what need she's trying to fill. The depression makes it very difficult to figure out. According to her, all she needs is more sleep and time to herself. So I let her sleep late and suggested she goes to the gym. 

I can ask her if she's feeling pressured to stay at home. If that's the issue, then it's an easy fix. Unfortunately, many things that would be easy for me to fix get much harder for her to fix. Even just to identify.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Annie123 said:


> That's really nice of your mother :smile2:


Yes. My entire family has stepped up to help support us. Between covering for me at work, watching the kids, just giving general support without creating resentments; my family is awesome! I am lucky to have them.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

lessthennone said:


> Yes. That's kind of how it played out. She is a SAHM. We're trying to come up with time for herself.



As a stay at home mom of three boys under 6 and a four bedroom house i KEEP clean. The only chore i slack on is laundry, otherwise i would say i do well as a house wife. I have three dogs too. ONE A PUPPY. 

Believe me you can MAKE time for yourself. and you DONT need a yoga class. there are dozens of youtube things i use. AND BEST PART, ITS FREE!!! I am an avid yoga and Qigong practitioner, Hoop dancer to get my fitness on. My kids play in their room for my MOMMY TIME. and the baby goes down for a nap. It works. 

I do my meditation in the morning before anyone wakes up and before my first cup of coffee. I think this class is not "her time". I have a personally BAD feeling about this class... Cant really elaborate, but i feel something is off with her actions. I don't want to speculate further. I will just see how this thread unfolds. 

You need to have a talk with her about her expectations.... They are ridiculous.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Was she like this when she worked? Was she depressed? Did she use to buy expensive things then too?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Annie123 said:


> Was she like this when she worked? Was she depressed? Did she use to buy expensive things then too?


That was before we had kids. 

She had previously been diagnosed with depression, but was actually off her meds during this time. She was happy. 

We had a lot more disposable income. We didn't have a mortgage, real estate taxes, kids, heat bill, etc... 

She worked as a manager at a retailer as she finished school, so she had her own source of income. 

We bought some luxury items, not as expensive as what she's looking at now, but expensive enough to question the sanity of my past self. 

Everything changed when we had kids.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> That was before we had kids.
> 
> She had previously been diagnosed with depression, but was actually off her meds during this time. She was happy.
> 
> ...


I keep changing my opinion about your wife. You say something and I start thinking 'oh, poor thing, she's so depressed!' but then you say something else and all I want to do is slap her out of that state. 

So everything changed when you had kids but based on this post, she stayed the same. That's not very mature and responsible of her.

I wish she would come to TAM and tell us her side because it seems that you guys aren't communicating well as it's hard for you to figure out why she's acting this way. Something's changed at some point you need to figure out what that was in order to be able to help her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You and your family need to stop capitulating to your wife. She has a want and throws it on you to figure out how to accomplish it. If you don't jump on it, she blames you for not trying to help her get well. You have to get her to solve her own problems. 

Yeah, that specific yoga class rings bells. Men take yoga too, ya know.

And, she is being unreasonable. She is convinced she has a golden vajayjay.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

OP, you sound like you have no voice in your marriage.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Annie123 said:


> I keep changing my opinion about your wife. You say something and I start thinking 'oh, poor thing, she's so depressed!' but then you say something else and all I want to do is slap her out of that state.
> 
> So everything changed when you had kids but based on this post, she stayed the same. That's not very mature and responsible of her.
> 
> I wish she would come to TAM and tell us her side because it seems that you guys aren't communicating well as it's hard for you to figure out why she's acting this way. Something's changed at some point you need to figure out what that was in order to be able to help her.


She does have other stresses in her life. Her mother is suffering from dementia. Her father may be cheating on her mother. Her brother is kind of an a-hole. He stole some prescription meds from her, and is now not allowed in our house. Her sister and other brother live out of town. 

I've considered that this is the way she handles stress, and previously she had none. 

I can't tell what is depression and what isn't. She blames being a SAHM, bad back, depression, her mothers health, lack of sleep, lack of vacation, etc... 

So, I'd say she has every reason to be depressed, but she tries to make it a catch all for every issue.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just a thought.... 

As a grandparent, a set time once or twice a week with the grandbabies is a good thing. I don't know your parents or what they would WANT to do.... but maybe its ok to put it out there. Like "Mom, feel free to say no thanks, but would you want to keep the kids two mornings a week?" I love having the kids on a set day, and I enjoy them without the parents hovering. We have fun, bonding, times. It's not a hardship, it's not going above and beyond....it's Granny time. Just saying, MAYBE it wouldn't be putting your mom out. 

I'd just rather have a set time than random requests. And I get few random requests BECAUSE they respect the set time!  Win, win.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

lessthennone said:


> She does have other stresses in her life. Her mother is suffering from dementia. Her father may be cheating on her mother. Her brother is kind of an a-hole. He stole some prescription meds from her, and is now not allowed in our house. Her sister and other brother live out of town.
> 
> I've considered that this is the way she handles stress, and previously she had none.
> 
> ...


I got hit by a car about 9 months ago as a pedestrian. My back pain is immense. I was in physical therapy till I switched insurance. I started incorporating Tai chi. Yoga over stretched the ligaments if ligaments are damaged from injury. But the Tai Chi strengthened the back and legs and promoted much better posture and i was actually able to handle my back pain more. Maybe suggest for back pain trying Tai chi. 

Much easier to do at home without instructions. I think she is in a funk... which could lead to cheating as some were mentioning. She doesn't need yoga, she needs a hobby or a project. Depression can be alleviated if there is accomplishments but not so big that failure is actually a problem. 

I combat my depression of being a sham, in a failing marriage, overweght, broken body by having things i can be proud of. My home, i have deep pride in it. My kids, I paint, I write, I keep myself busy growing and doing things. 

I fear your wife has just been stagnating and may wonder what she has to show for her life. What accomplishment has she achieved. (I know i have) But i remind myself, i have grown, i am doing the best i can... its a struggle. 

Maybe Yoga makes your wife happy... I just have a bad feeling around that situation. Her reactions, things seem weird. But i understand her needing to do something.

I think you have been a really good guy about all of it.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Wow! A SAHM that needs a babysitter? Man, sign me up!!! Talk about an easy job! What is she doing all day? There are plenty of gyms with day care programs and Mothers Day out. But that much a week of time off? I picked the wrong profession.

Tell her to get a p/t time job. Then she will wake up to the real world.


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