# Piece of Advice! Confused



## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

Hi,
I am new to this forum. Just pondering over my situation and need advice how to deal with this. I have been married for 2.1 years but had a long distant relationship as my husband was pursueing his higher study (MBA). Now it has been six months that we stay together. Being an arranged marriage i get confused with his attitude. Like he has travelling job, travels on sunday night and returns on thursaday night, its routine. I am fine with all this. But when he is away i just ask him to mail me about his well being. But what i obsrve is he mails me only if i mail him even somtime he does not mail me after i mail him. I trust him and i know there is no other woman in his life other than me. But i really dont know should i talk about this or give him some time. 
Actually our relation has suffered lot, as i was staying with his parents back home and was working. His parents dominating attitude dominated over our relation and so we decided to relocate as it was not good idea for him to relocate as it will worsen our problem with more interference. So i decided to quit my job and join him. So now i got admission in course trying to reestablish my career.
Please advice me Should i give him some time or talk to him now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thought... He's probably not going to magically change his behavior unless you talk to him about it, because he's ok with things the way they are. Us guys aren't mind readers.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

PBear said:


> My thought... He's probably not going to magically change his behavior unless you talk to him about it, because he's ok with things the way they are. Us guys aren't mind readers.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanx for ur advice. But being arranged marriage and also i dont like going on telling things again and again. Basically for me once said is said. Like i asked him can we go for a movie in the weekend about couple of weeks ago. He replied sure. when weekend arrived he was busy calling his sister, friends and then when i remind him about movie he replies yeah can we go tomorrow sunday. But he has to travel on sunday evenings so i generally avoid any programs on sunday. I told him no its sunday and u have to travel. So he told then next week. Again its planned for this saturday. This time i am not going to remind anything. i am fed up with this attitude. To handle this relation i left my career, job, family everything and what am i getting? Still no reply for my mail its two days since i have mailed. so i have stopped mailing. Thanx again for ur advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Enjoy your life, then. Because if you're not going to push for changes, he's going to continue to push your limits. 

If you ask me, it doesn't matter if it's a co-worker, a friend, or a husband in an arranged marriage. If you don't stand up for yourself and your needs, don't expect them to get met.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you think that you should not tell your husband what you need/want because it's an arranged marriage? Arranged marriage does not mean that he gets to ignore you and you have no rights.

Men are not mind readers. You need to tell him what you want. If he does not go it, then he needs to explain why he's not giving you the attention and other things you need.

The bottom line in your marriage is that you two have not spent enough time together to connect emotionally. As long as you live as you do, with him traveling so much you will have this problem. If he wants this marriage, he really does need to find a job where he does not travel as much.


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

Thanx guys for ur advice. I do agree with the fact that we have not stayed together for long and thats why we r not connected emotionally.Even the fact is i hesitate to speak out as i feel that i might be expecting too much. I dont know whether i am expecting too much from this relationship or he is taking me for granted. I am confused.... getting mad.....


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know what culture you are from but did you have any say in who you married? Did he? 
In your culture what are the expectations for a new couple? I think in a lot of cases it's expected that you spend time together and get to know each other so your bond can grow. He seems to be putting up walls to that. Maybe talk to him about you know that this is awkward but everyone in arranged marriages takes time to grow in love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

PBear said:


> Enjoy your life, then. Because if you're not going to push for changes, he's going to continue to push your limits.
> 
> If you ask me, it doesn't matter if it's a co-worker, a friend, or a husband in an arranged marriage. If you don't stand up for yourself and your needs, don't expect them to get met.
> 
> ...


Thanx to all of u. Personally ur advice worked for me. When i told him that i dont get connected if he didnt kept in touch with me either by phone or mail. He replied its fair i will see that this doesnt happen again. Actually as u guys told he was not aware that this behaviour was hurting me and ruining our intimacy. 
When i politely told him that i know he was busy as he didnt reply my mail but if he didnt reply me i dont feel connected to him. I feel that i have done all this for our relation which is my priority is of no value to him. 
To my surprise he said he didnt realise this action was having so much reaction. So he promised that he will do regurarly.
By reading all ur advice one thing i realised that i have to tell him and clarify my doubts. one of my frind just told me that things can be said in polite way. Thanx to everyone. this worked.:smthumbup:


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yay!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

:


diwali123 said:


> yay!
> _posted via mobile device_



:d:d


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Glad it worked out for you! Unfortunately, some of guys can be pretty dense, so you may have to apply hints with a large club occasionally. Don't take it personally... We just don't pick up on the signals you're sending out. Keep the communication channels open, and talk about the things he does right, too. Because he may not be picking up those signals either.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

PBear said:


> Glad it worked out for you! Unfortunately, some of guys can be pretty dense, so you may have to apply hints with a large club occasionally. Don't take it personally... We just don't pick up on the signals you're sending out. Keep the communication channels open, and talk about the things he does right, too. Because he may not be picking up those signals either.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup! But what do u mean by "large club". When i say that this is great idea. It reprsents i am appreciating his efforts. Then should i directly mention that i liked it rather than Good job.
Guys are so complicated. OMG!!!:scratchhead:


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

You have just learned a very important tool in making a marriage work. Communication. If something bothers you bring it to his attention in a calm manner and just explain why you feel the way you do. It's very important not to let these things go unspoken, they grow into such a huge thing as time goes on. You see, what you were upset and getting mad about he wasn't even aware of doing. If you do this with all problems before they turn into a big argument then you should have a good strong marriage.


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## Summer days are gone (Mar 21, 2012)

Mrs. T said:


> You have just learned a very important tool in making a marriage work. Communication. If something bothers you bring it to his attention in a calm manner and just explain why you feel the way you do. It's very important not to let these things go unspoken, they grow into such a huge thing as time goes on. You see, what you were upset and getting mad about he wasn't even aware of doing. If you do this with all problems before they turn into a big argument then you should have a good strong marriage.


Thanx dear. Actually you are right. Initially i didnt know how to handle and also flt this trivial stuff will get soughted out as time passes but i now felt i must play a shot of telling whats bothering me and that worked. 
As i have mentioned he was doing his study abroad and i stayed with his parents back home. For evry small issue his parents were too much annoying and rude. I didnt mention these stuffs to him as i thought he is far away and this will hamper his study.
One thing i have noticed i think its worth mentioning. When ever there was an issue with his parents and me, his parents was the first to convey the problem and created unneccesary nuisance. But when i tried to potray my views on the same my husband never bother to listen to me. I used to get very upset. But i realise i think in their family its the person who says first is more important than to know what the incident is about.
Anyways i am out of that pithole. I stay with my hubby in a nuclear set up. And i always find his parents asking me to come back and stay with them. They are scared of lonliness now. But franckly my past experience was so bad that i am not even willing to go for vacation to his parents house.
Thanx guys for all ur guidance. Keep in touch.:lol:


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Summer days are gone said:


> Thanx dear. Actually you are right. Initially i didnt know how to handle and also flt this trivial stuff will get soughted out as time passes but i now felt i must play a shot of telling whats bothering me and that worked.
> As i have mentioned he was doing his study abroad and i stayed with his parents back home. For evry small issue his parents were too much annoying and rude. I didnt mention these stuffs to him as i thought he is far away and this will hamper his study.
> One thing i have noticed i think its worth mentioning. When ever there was an issue with his parents and me, his parents was the first to convey the problem and created unneccesary nuisance. But when i tried to potray my views on the same my husband never bother to listen to me. I used to get very upset. But i realise i think in their family its the person who says first is more important than to know what the incident is about.
> Anyways i am out of that pithole. I stay with my hubby in a nuclear set up. And i always find his parents asking me to come back and stay with them. They are scared of lonliness now. But franckly my past experience was so bad that i am not even willing to go for vacation to his parents house.
> Thanx guys for all ur guidance. Keep in touch.:lol:


Summer days, it doesn't matter how long you are married you will be learning and adjusting to new things with your husband. Treat your little nuisances as a learning experience. You can overcome most differences with love and patience. 
Good luck with your new life and many happy days ahead!!


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