# still here with one foot out the door



## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

I haven't posted much, more lurking.. Today is moving day. The truck came this morning and moved all of my big stuff out to my new rental. I cried through the entire thing.

This is all very surreal. I have been am emotional mess all day. My husband agreed the other day to seek counselling for his anger issues and we both agreed to start MC. However, I am still going through with this move as agreeing to do and doing are 2 separate things. I know this.

I don't really know the point of my post other than to just talk about the difficulty in actually physically leaving the house. I don't feel good about this at all. in fact, I am still here. I haven't been very pro-active in packing my stuff and yesterday I was set back about 8 hours with my husband in the ER due to a work accident. He is fine just off for a week. So he was here all day today. and I still have a bunch of packing to do.

It has been a very emotionally tough day for both of us. I still can't get myself fully out of here. WTF? I know I am co-dependant on him, obviously. How do you cut the cord? Is this normal what I am going through? 

Emotionally I just want to call it all off and stay. But then Nothing would change and we would be right back to where we were. No happiness. No communication. All issues being diligently swept under the rug...

arrggh..... Where is my strength?


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

What you are going through is completely normal. I can't imagine walking out of my home with my belongings while my husband is there with an injury. 

This is hard. This is probably one of the hardest things you will do in your life. This is not the time for thinking or decision making. You have done that already and this is what you decided was best. You are too emotional to think - you just have to act on the plan right now. Think about what soldiers and first responders say after something heroic - I did not think, the training kicked in. You can't possibly think and act right now. Act on the plan. You can think later.

Good luck. Maybe you should not be alone tonight.


----------



## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

Thank you so much @NickyT you are right. I have to continue plowing through this and there will be plenty of time to *think* again later. My daughter will stay with me tonight and my son with stay with my husband.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Be a Trundlebug. Trundlebugs are imaginary large insects from a favorite sci-fi series of books I read years ago. Trundlebugs are known for setting themselves on a course and continuing on that course no matter the obstacle. Whenever I feel overwhelmed or paralyzed and know the action I need to take, I think of Trundlebugs. Silly, maybe, but it works for me.


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

It's virtually impossible to sort through feelings when you're moving out of the house. You are mourning the loss of stability, comfort, ease etc etc not to mention the relationship itself. 

I had to be gone a few months and even then I found it hard to come to terms with what I was sad about. With some distance I was able to see that I wasn't sad about or missing the relationship, I was missing everything else. I was sad about the upheaval to the kids, about the house that I helped decorate, create and fill with love etc." 

Once you're on your own you have to try to be really honest with yourself and not resort to fear. Jumping back to the relationship or into another one just because you're afraid. It's very tempting to want to create stability where there is none.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Onefoot, were you able to get yourself out yesterday? Everything you are feeling is completely normal, I know its confusing. Focus on what it will be like to not have to live with an angry man. Living with anger like that is a special kind of hell, I know first hand. And chances of him changing are very close to NONE. Let yourself feel your feelings, but don't take your eye off the prize.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One foot out the door.

The other?

Nailed to the floor...by guilt, vows and a little bird on your shoulder.

A little bird planted by your husband. It whispers, "I'm sorry, I will change, Don't do this!"

Nothing else is murmured, nothing else worth noting except the bird poop on your collar.

That is the only thing that is real...and it stinks!


----------



## onefootouthedoor (Jun 29, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Onefoot, were you able to get yourself out yesterday? Everything you are feeling is completely normal, I know its confusing. Focus on what it will be like to not have to live with an angry man. Living with anger like that is a special kind of hell, I know first hand. And chances of him changing are very close to NONE. Let yourself feel your feelings, but don't take your eye off the prize.


Thank you 3Xnocharm. I ended up staying at the house that night again. I was mentally trapped there and I just couldn't leave. I had to go out 1st thing the next morning and stayed away all day which helped to find some clarity. The heavy energy in house was keeping me there. I finally came back to my new rental (after avoiding that for as long as I could) and started to slowly settle in. My daughter stayed with me for the weekend and we went back to my STBX's (1st time writing that out!) for a holiday dinner before starting our new schedule in divided homes.

We are now 1 week in and I have not yet experienced relief or joy. I have a ton of anxiety, although I know that the thought of going back is not a desirable one. I worked so hard for so long to get out and here I am. As lonely and sad as ever.

Another thing I am learning is that those who apparently supported this decision before I made the move don't really support me as much as I thought (or maybe they thought). People have scattered and made excuses for not coming around. I am truly alone. Other than my kids. My daughter has been my biggest supporter (of course she has lived through it) and my son is putting on a very very brave face and trying hard to understand.

When I called my mother for some emotional support yesterday (who I also thought was a big supporter of my mine) she has suddenly turned the tables on me and said she and her friends don't understand why I would leave such a great guy for no reason. I was pretty blown away by this remark. I recognize this is coming from someone who has been in an emotional abusive relationship for over 40 years and stayed. And continues to claim her own misery in her marriage. So I guess now for her to agree or admit that what I did is brave(?) or right(?) could make her look bad?

When I asked her, "16 years of being screamed at is not a good enough reason to leave?" She said "Not really, Most people leave because of cheating or abuse or because there is someone else. You left for no reason."

WOW. I guess people are always looking for some hard core scandal. Would it have been better justified if had someone else on the side? So much for trying to live an honest life.

I am so upset over this conversation. It makes me realize how truly alone I am in this ordeal. But I do not regret this. I KNOW I did the right thing and I am getting tired of trying to justify my reasons to everyone else. For most of my marriage, I wished he would cheat or hit me so I could have that concrete reason to leave. That thing to put my finger on that everyone else expects. Doesn't that speak volumes all on it's own?

I am going to look into getting some individual counselling today.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

WOW. Your mother is projecting. She chose to stay in her miserable, emotionally abusive marriage, so when she sees that you had the guts to get out of yours, it makes her jealous and more resentful of her own situation. Very sad. I am glad to see that you know you did the right thing for yourself. Sounds like keeping contact with her to a minimum will be your best bet, she will only bring you down. I am also glad to see that your daughter is being supportive, that helps so much. Sometimes people don't know how to react when a couple they know are splitting up, and if you lose them, then they really were never friends to begin with. 

It will take some time for you to adjust, not everyone feels relief instantly when they get out. It WILL come though, this much I know for sure. Once you get through the bumps of adjusting to a new life, you will find yourself feeling so much weight coming off of your shoulders, and you will get to know yourself again.


----------

