# Falling again after divorce



## Carol A

Hello everyone! 

A year ago I found out my husband had cheated after 15 years of marriage, I was 19 years old when I met him. I was devastated but I didn’t look back and decided I wanted a divorce. It took him a year to accept this decision and we’re finally in the process that will hopefully end in the next few days. We’ve been separated since then, and as difficult as it was because I was so in love with him, I am now standing in a much better place: I’m in love with myself. 

3 moths after we separated, in a totally unexpected way, I met this wonderful guy. I did not feel initially attracted to him, plus I was still hurting too much to even think about getting back in the game. But he was very persistent and so charming that I finally agreed to go on a date. He said he had asked me out because he felt something really special when he saw me, even though he was going through a breakup himself (24 years of a relationship that ended in different circumstances, no cheating involved). We both knew it was still too recent in both our cases, but we decided to take things slow and get to know each other, specially since we live in different countries. We just clicked, the chemistry was undeniable and I guess we became friends before things went any further. Since then, he’s come to see me 3 times in 8 months, we zoom pretty much every day and things have been progressing nicely, he’s coming again to see me in December. 

At the beginning of the relationship he voiced his concern about him being just a rebound. At the time I was very honest when I told him I had no good answer for that and that the situation could easily be reversed since his breakup was as recent as mine. We both decided again to just go with the flow, and every time we see each other everything is really wonderful, we have so much fun and enjoy each other's company greatly.

So at this point I really care very much about him, he’s been more than anything else a sort of lifeline to me, he’s been with me through all of this excruciating process, been patient and understanding, so supportive and caring. He helped me realize that I could not let someone else's bad choices ruin the rest of my life. He reminded me that I am a good woman who deserves a good man. That I am enough! He’s even met my friends, they all love him and I guess it's reciprocated. And as if all those things weren’t enough, the sex is uuuuunbelievable!

I should be head over heels for him, right? Yet, I find myself wondering… I don’t really feel the passion I felt when I fell in love with my ex-husband (with whom I had a long distance relationship at the beginning too), this "love at first sight", "can’t live without" sort of thing. 

I do however feel something very strong for him. Sometimes I try to believe that it’s just the fact that I’m not 19 anymore, that I’ve been hurt and that having some perspective at 40 makes you more restrained with your feelings. I admit that after my experience I’m also in some sort of "zero tolerance" phase and sometimes I feel like he’s constantly afraid of scaring me off.

I know without a doubt that he’s worth the shot. Men like these don't grow on trees! I am not actively trying to meet people but what if I find out that I am still capable of feeling that love at first sight again with someone else, someone that might, in addition, live in the same city? It would be terrible to end up hurting him because he was after all a rebound.

I guess my question here is for those who have been in a similar situation after a massive breakup. Is the process of falling in love just different? Is it possible that I might feel that searing passion for him eventually? Should I just give up seeking it? Is it just that I'm scared of falling in love again? Or is it that not every love story needs to have that "head over heels" element to it? Was that in fact the mistake I made the first time around?

I would love to have different perspectives. Thanks for reading!


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## bobert

Carol A said:


> I met this wonderful guy ... We live in different countries. We just clicked, the chemistry was undeniable ... he’s come to see me 3 times in 8 months, we zoom pretty much every day


I can't comment on what it's like to fall in love after a divorce because I'm not divorced, others can though. 

But the above quote is a bit concerning to me. It's easy for someone to seem perfect from a "million miles away" and when you've only seen them 3x. You don't really know the _real_ him yet and how he is in every day life. It's a bit of an illusion. 

What's the end goal here? Are you going to move to his country? Him to yours? What about your kids (if you have them)? Is there an end date in mind?


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## Carol A

bobert said:


> I can't comment on what it's like to fall in love after a divorce because I'm not divorced, others can though.
> 
> But the above quote is a bit concerning to me. It's easy for someone to seem perfect from a "million miles away" and when you've only seen them 3x. You don't really know the _real_ him yet and how he is in every day life. It's a bit of an illusion.
> 
> What's the end goal here? Are you going to move to his country? Him to yours? What about your kids (if you have them)? Is there an end date in mind?


You are so right! The long distance is always an issue and I have never spent more than 2 weeks in a row with him. That's exactly the purpose next time he comes to see me, he's planning to stay for at least a month. He's been planning to come live here even before he met me, and neither of us has kids, but I guess if we keep this up and and feelings get deeper, the living situation will become a subject we'll have to explore in a more serious way. At this point in my life I'm not so naive as to think that he's perfect, I know getting to really know him is the first step. So my goal here isn't to immediately find an answer for the living situation, but to find out if it's even worth the shot when I don't feel the way I felt in the past. I only have the experience with my ex-husband where being apart was out of the question since the moment we met. I moved and he moved and we moved, there was no choice because we just couldn't live without each other. It was as you say an illusion, only one that lasted for 20 years. Maybe that's the mistake I'm making, trying to compare apples and oranges. The depth of my feelings for this new guy is what got me questioning everything and I wouldn't want him to factor me in a huge decision making like moving to another country when I'm not even sure what I feel, only that I don't feel the fireworks that I know exist. What I would like to know is if maybe things can be different than what I've known, no initial fireworks... But perhaps I can feel that way for him eventually?


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## Diana7

Have you been to visit him in his own country? Met his family? Friends? Seen how he acts with them? What country is he from? You? How did you meet?
What job does he do that he can have about 8-10 weeks leave in less than a year? I think everyone would like that job!

Personally I think you jumped far too soon into a new relationship. Even now you are still a married women after all. Being married for 15 years and then being betrayed like that to a man you loved very much along with a divorce, takes a long time to heal from and be emotionally ready for a new relationship. Along with that you really havent spent that long with him in person. Maybe after this vist from him you could go and see him a few times as well to get to know him in his own country among the people he knows and works with. Meet all his family and friends and see how he interacts.


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## DownByTheRiver

My advice is you should definitely stay single and not just stay attached to this guy. What you said is true that you may never have that all trusting all passionate feeling again because you know a lot more now than you did then.

But there's no reason why you should just commit to this guy yet. I think anyone would understand that when you first get divorced, first of all you just want your freedom for a while, and you also want to explore once you're ready.

You have some good things with him, but you know that this isn't just exactly right. So don't get in a hurry. Keep your freedom for as long as you still want it.


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## jlg07

I would just say this -- you are DATING right now, and pretty early on all things considered. Is there a rush to "love him passionately"? If you find as time goes on you continue to be compatible, and still have the great chemistry, I think that love will come.

You DO need time to grieve the loss of your marriage. You DO need TIME to explore the relationship with him. NOBODY is perfect (except for ME as I tell my wife! -- yeah, she doesn't buy it either!! ). With enough time, you will see his faults, see if you are ok with them, and take it from there.

Also, you were blind in love with your exH and see where that got you?? Don't ignore any red flags or concerns you have over this new guy. 
Take your time, enjoy the time with him and getting to know him -- that is part of the fun of dating, no?


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## Carol A

Diana7 said:


> Have you been to visit him in his own country? Met his family? Friends? Seen how he acts with them? What country is he from? You? How did you meet?
> What job does he do that he can have about 8-10 weeks leave in less than a year? I think everyone would like that job!
> 
> Thank you so much for your reply! I agree that it was too soon, and maybe that's what got me all confused in the first place. You've given a lot to think about in that respect.
> 
> To answer your questions: I'm Mexican and he's American, I met him here while out having drinks with a friend. He was on a work trip/vacation. My girlfriend was drooling over his friend and that's how he and I ended up talking. After that I have only met another one of his friends that happened to come to Mexico while he was here visiting last time. Pretty nice british guy.
> 
> I haven't been to the US yet because I feel it's too soon and well... it's pandemic times! But he seems pretty eager for me to come visit whenever I want. I know the US quite well, I lived there when I was a child and visited several times since, so it's not like I'm completely foreign to his culture. Additionally, he is part Mexican on his father's side and loves the country.
> 
> And you're right, at the moment he has a pretty awesome work situation. One of his initial plans was to set up a business in Mexico, but damn pandemic put everything on hold. I was very clear since the beginning when I told him my life is here and moving to another country for love is something I already did once, not sure if I would a second time.
> 
> I feel like it's too early to be meeting each other's families, but if the opportunity presents itself down the road I'll have to consider it. For now I'll try to focus on my own healing, enjoy what's in front of me and try to live in the present. I feel like the next time he's here will be very enlightening.


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## Carol A

DownByTheRiver said:


> My advice is you should definitely stay single and not just stay attached to this guy. What you said is true that you may never have that all trusting all passionate feeling again because you know a lot more now than you did then.
> 
> But there's no reason why you should just commit to this guy yet. I think anyone would understand that when you first get divorced, first of all you just want your freedom for a while, and you also want to explore once you're ready.
> 
> You have some good things with him, but you know that this isn't just exactly right. So don't get in a hurry. Keep your freedom for as long as you still want it.


Thank you! This is what I was looking for exactly! Some perspective. I should not get ahead of myself, specially since he's the first one that understands that I still have some healing to do. I will just let things run it's natural course, whatever that may be, and focus on me!


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## Carol A

jlg07 said:


> I would just say this -- you are DATING right now, and pretty early on all things considered. Is there a rush to "love him passionately"? If you find as time goes on you continue to be compatible, and still have the great chemistry, I think that love will come.
> 
> You DO need time to grieve the loss of your marriage. You DO need TIME to explore the relationship with him. NOBODY is perfect (except for ME as I tell my wife! -- yeah, she doesn't buy it either!! ). With enough time, you will see his faults, see if you are ok with them, and take it from there.
> 
> Also, you were blind in love with your exH and see where that got you?? Don't ignore any red flags or concerns you have over this new guy.
> Take your time, enjoy the time with him and getting to know him -- that is part of the fun of dating, no?


No rush at all! Thank you for helping me see that! I guess it's this part of me that refuses to keep grieving and forcing myself to move on even if I'm not ready. I have to give myself some time. You have all helped me understand that I need time for me first.


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## oldshirt

I don’t know if you are still following this thread or not, but in case you circle back, I’ll throw in my $.02 and hope I’m not overcharging you. 

But here’s how I see it. You are a full grown 40some year old adult. You can do what you want, when you want, where you want and with whoever you want as long as it is legal, consenting and not fattening. 

You don’t have to commit to anything here and you do not have to make any binding decisions. 

If you want to see him, see him and have fun.

But there’s no need for any kind of commitment or promises. 

It’s ok to be single. It’s ok to be your own person. It’s ok to date. I’m assuming you know about birth control and safer sex practices so it’s ok to have sex with other consenting adults. 

You’re not 19 anymore and you aren’t held down by anything. There is a whole world out there. Don’t feel you have to commit to anything or make any big, binding decisions at this time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

DownByTheRiver said:


> My advice is you should definitely stay single and not just stay attached to this guy. What you said is true that you may never have that all trusting all passionate feeling again because you know a lot more now than you did then.
> 
> But there's no reason why you should just commit to this guy yet. I think anyone would understand that when you first get divorced, first of all you just want your freedom for a while, and you also want to explore once you're ready.
> 
> You have some good things with him, but you know that this isn't just exactly right. So don't get in a hurry. Keep your freedom for as long as you still want it.


This...


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## Girl_power

You have all the time in the world to get to know this new guy, as well as other guys. Don’t rush.


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## Dedicated2Her

So, I started dating my wife about 8 months after my divorce. I had been through over a year and a half of in house separation. My wife had also been divorced about the same timeframe. What you are describing is a transitional relationship. My wife had a therapist she was seeing to help her through her divorce and coping in addition to dealing with everything. It's ok to have a transitional relationship. Our's was...at first. And, I agree that it's not all sparks and butterflies, but there is something there. 

Eventually, you will come to a crossroad when its time to transition the transitional relationship. It was between months 9-12 for us in our relationship. We had a very hard talk about where we were, and if we saw each other together moving forward. That's when I realized that I loved her, and those "butterflies" have come here and there....more frequent with every passing month of our relationship. 

I don't think its the same for everyone. But, considering my own personal trauma, I don't believe I was emotionally ready to open up early on. The best thing is to be very observant. That's going to be super hard in that you guys don't live around each other. It raises risks. Be careful. Take your time.


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## ccpowerslave

I don’t get the whole LDR thing. I don’t want to have a relationship with a phone or a computer screen I want a real life woman in my bed.

Unless you live in the middle of nowhere it’s hard for me to believe there’s not a guy out there for you in the same country at least.


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## AVR1962

I have fallen in love since my divorce and it is ever bit as tingling and wonderful as the first time you fell in love. It sounds to me like you have a friend. You enjoy this person't company and you both given each other support. To be realistic though dating someone in another country gives you this "safe" zone. They are not there even on a weekly basis for you to truly know their habits and the ins and outs of that person's personality. Your visits are new and fun every time you meet. Perhaps this is what you both need at the moment but is it really anything more than friends?


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## Carol A

Thank you all so much for the advice! I almost feel like I would have to start a new thread after the events of the past three months. So to continue where I left off... He came this past holiday and he stayed here (at my new place) for over a month. Again, we really had a great time, and I was able to observe his behavior more closely. I realized that he really is kind and generous, he jumps at every opportunity to make my home and my life better. He takes care of my dogs as if they were his own. He even takes an active part in my parents well-being even though he hasn't met them yet. We pretty much enjoy each-other's company in every situation: being at the beach, having dinner with my friends or just chilling out and watching TV. The days I had to go to work he would find something to do with himself, and one of those things was always preparing a special dinner for me. The day of my marriage anniversary I had a meltdown, but I didn't have the courage to tell him why I was so upset. He didn't press for answers and just held me, let me cry and then did everything in his power to make me smile and forget all about it. I realized that there are days when he also feels down and has no fear in showing his emotions. We got to have a disagreement this one time, heated argument and all. But in the end we were able to discuss things calmly and get past it with an ease I don't believe I've experienced before. He insists that I should come visit him and even tried to start the conversation of us finding a way to be together more permanently. I honestly was not ready for that conversation and he didn't press any further. So he's planning on coming again in March. To sum up, and all things considered, everything flowed pretty nicely... 
Enter, my ex. And this is where things get really complicated. He's been reaching out to me since the beginning and I just saw him again yesterday after 4 moths. I will admit to myself and to all of you that I still love him. I hate myself for even thinking it but it is what it is. I had a year to get past the anger and the disappointment, I've been trying to heal the best way I could. I know he never wanted to loose me, but I was too angry and he was just too much of a coward to fight for me in any real way. He says that I was so final in my decision that he just thought the best would be to respect my wishes. I never thought that I would even consider getting back together with him, but I know that if he keeps this up and starts doing whatever it takes to get me back I will seriously consider it. That's why I said I might have to start a new thread called: "¿Am I insane?" 
To make things more complicated, we haven't been able to get divorced because of the pandemic.
Now I have this other wonderful guy in my life, someone that has made his way into my heart and my life, not letting anything (not even a pandemic) get in his way to be with me. I miss him and I think of him all the time. Thinking of loosing him breaks my heart, hurting him seems unthinkable. But my heart is divided, maybe still broken. I am so confused. 
Feel free to slap me with your words, I might need it.


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## bobert

Carol A said:


> Enter, my ex. And this is where things get really complicated. He's been reaching out to me since the beginning and I just saw him again yesterday after 4 moths. I will admit to myself and to all of you that I still love him. I hate myself for even thinking it but it is what it is. I had a year to get past the anger and the disappointment, I've been trying to heal the best way I could. I know he never wanted to loose me, but I was too angry and he was just too much of a coward to fight for me in any real way. He says that I was so final in my decision that he just thought the best would be to respect my wishes. I never thought that I would even consider getting back together with him, but I know that if he keeps this up and starts doing whatever it takes to get me back I will seriously consider it. That's why I said I might have to start a new thread called: "¿Am I insane?"
> To make things more complicated, we haven't been able to get divorced because of the pandemic.
> Now I have this other wonderful guy in my life, someone that has made his way into my heart and my life, not letting anything (not even a pandemic) get in his way to be with me. I miss him and I think of him all the time. Thinking of loosing him breaks my heart, hurting him seems unthinkable. But my heart is divided, maybe still broken. I am so confused.
> Feel free to slap me with your words, I might need it.


So, don't let your ex "enter". 

Seriously you need to cut him out as much as possible. If you have kids, keep the conversations and in-person relations only about the kids. If you don't have kids then there is no reason to have contact with him. 

If you do want to try and reconcile, then let this other guy go. You can't have both.


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## Luckylucky

It’s complicated and I’m really sorry your first marriage ended that way.

New guy sounds like quite a catch and you may grow to have that passion. But I think it sounds doomed to failure, you just don’t feel the same way about him as your ex and he is going to sense this too late. Be fair and let him go. Are you a kind person? Let this man find someone else. He sounds like he is already jumping hoops for you, I feel sorry for him (and also have a lot of sympathy for you for how it ended with the love of your life ).

Don’t visit him or his family, I really think you should let him go firmly. Ex is already back on the scene again, and you’ve mentioned many times your feelings. You’re not insane, just faced with two options and yes you will hurt this man so much. He’s your second option. He aready feels this, I’m sure. Repeat, you’re not insane, but you may be walking down a path that will really really hurt another person.

I’ve heard stories before of young people saying they didn’t have a spark but the person was good and kind and wonderful ‘so I married them’.
5, 15, 20 years later, they have an affair, or detach emotionally, become angry etc and the story becomes, ‘I had doubts all along, I never really loved them, I can’t stand them, I feel trapped’. And this poor person has been led along for years and years living in a world of pain, pining for the love and desire that’s not there and wondering what is wrong with them.

You are having doubts! But you’re not young anymore. Does this make sense?

Also, picture him eventually tiring of waiting and moving on from you and finding someone 5 years later who IS going to be passionately in love with him. Will you feel differently if you see him through someone else’s eyes and he leaves you? Really think about that, it helps put it into perspective.


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## Carol A

bobert said:


> So, don't let your ex "enter".
> 
> Seriously you need to cut him out as much as possible. If you have kids, keep the conversations and in-person relations only about the kids. If you don't have kids then there is no reason to have contact with him.
> 
> If you do want to try and reconcile, then let this other guy go. You can't have both.


That's the thing. I just don't know if I want to try and reconcile. I saw him because he begged to see me and in my stupid head I thought I was over him, that maybe we could be friends... pffffff.
And of course I know I can't have them both. I don't even know if I have either of them. I have shared 20 years of my life with a man that made a stupid mistake and hurt me deeply, and I'm presented with the opportunity to start all over again with another I met 1 year ago.


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## Carol A

Luckylucky said:


> It’s complicated and I’m really sorry your first marriage ended that way.
> 
> New guy sounds like quite a catch and you may grow to have that passion. But I think it sounds doomed to failure, you just don’t feel the same way about him as your ex and he is going to sense this too late. Be fair and let him go. Are you a kind person? Let this man find someone else. He sounds like he is already jumping hoops for you, I feel sorry for him (and also have a lot of sympathy for you for how it ended with the love of your life ).
> 
> Don’t visit him or his family, I really think you should let him go firmly. Ex is already back on the scene again, and you’ve mentioned many times your feelings. You’re not insane, just faced with two options and yes you will hurt this man so much. He’s your second option. He aready feels this, I’m sure. Repeat, you’re not insane, but you may be walking down a path that will really really hurt another person.
> 
> I’ve heard stories before of young people saying they didn’t have a spark but the person was good and kind and wonderful ‘so I married them’.
> 5, 15, 20 years later, they have an affair, or detach emotionally, become angry etc and the story becomes, ‘I had doubts all along, I never really loved them, I can’t stand them, I feel trapped’. And this poor person has been led along for years and years living in a world of pain, pining for the love and desire that’s not there and wondering what is wrong with them.
> 
> You are having doubts! But you’re not young anymore. Does this make sense?
> 
> Also, picture him eventually tiring of waiting and moving on from you and finding someone 5 years later who IS going to be passionately in love with him. Will you feel differently if you see him through someone else’s eyes and he leaves you? Really think about that, it helps put it into perspective.


That is so true! I just want to give this a chance because more than a catch he's my best friend nowadays, and this last time it was very difficult to see him go. It hurts to be away from him now. I am really starting to have very deep feelings for him, that's why I feel so angry at myself. I don't know how I would be able to make a fair decision for either of them at this point 😔 , even for me...


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## Luckylucky

Carol A said:


> That is so true! I just want to give this a chance because more than a catch he's my best friend nowadays, and this last time it was very difficult to see him go. It hurts to be away from him now. I am really starting to have very deep feelings for him, that's why I feel so angry at myself. I don't know how I would be able to make a fair decision for either of them at this point 😔 , even for me...


I worry that if it keeps going this way, it could be him as well as the ex making decisions for you, this happening would be devastating for you given what you’ve already been through.


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