# At the point of no return, is the writing on the wall?



## Yosser (May 24, 2011)

We've been together for 26 years, married for 21 years, 2 teenagers and I'm the only breadwinner.

My wife hasn't worked for 14 years, with a very good gym, friends, lunches, walks and leisure time. 

we have been physical less than twice a year for the past 10+ years, despite my best efforts

She is highly critical of me and our friends & family (inc kids) believe she gives me a dogs life

We actually get on very well, we don't argue, we seem to communicate ok, we do a lot together and have a very good overall lifestyle.

I've been under a lot of stress in the past 3 or 4 years and money has occasionally got tight, the only person who's reduced is me and she refuses to look for a job.

I've resented her lifestyle and treatment of me for some time, her lack of understanding and support. I've even tried to get her to speak to someone independent but she refuses. 

I've been looking at dating sites, considering properties to rent, the logistics of separation, etc.

I'm worried about the impact on our kids, my relationship with them and the whole feeling like I've failed at making it work, if I choose to call it a day and leave.

I guess the question is, should I try harder, or would I ultimately be happier moving on?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like she got someone on the side!!

good gym,lunches,walks,leisure time as you are deprioratised.

ding,ding,ding is the bell going off yet.

thats where i would start.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Please read the manning up sticky at the top of the men's forum. Somewhere in the course of your marriage you became a Nice Guy, deprioritized yourself, and lost your boundaries...while at the same time putting your wife on a pedestal and giving her everything she wants. What this did was make your wife lose attraction to you, and if she criticizes you, she also has no respect for you. This is not sexy in a man, and you are now a doormat. Lots of men get there.

Read the sticky. Read the books mentioned. Never ever be afraid of sticking up for your boundaries. NEVER be afraid of telling your wife what you are thinking. The good news about doormats is that with a little work, you can relearn how to be a man again. The Mens Forum will also help you out. There are lots of intelligent and experienced guys on this site that give great advice.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I wouldn't immediately run to - she's got someone on the side.

She doesn't want to give up her gym, lunches, walks, leisure time - she's spoiled rotten and doesn't care what happens to you - just wants her life to remain the same and not to get her apple cart upset.

What a brat? She hasn't grown up.

Give her an ultimatum - either YOU, or I will...

Then do it if she doesn't.

I realize that's easier said than done - but if you're looking at dating sites, properties, etc., then you already have one foot out the door.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I agree here -- think about if you left, being able to look in the mirror and say "hey I gave it my all and it just didn't work"... vs. looking back and wondering. What have you got to lose but a little (more) time? If she meets you halfway, you've got something. If not, your current course of action can continue. No reason at all not to man up, draw a line in the sand, have an open and frank discussion with serious consequences, and see what happens from there... good luck.


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## justausername (May 11, 2011)

Yosser - First I'm sorry you have a wife like that.

Second, she's either spoiled rotten and or has a few regulars on the side.

Third and not meant to be mean, if you divorce her as a slap in the face, you can be punished for working hard enough to allow your wife the have the luxury of staying home with the kids. After the children are in school, your wife may enjoy a life of leisure that is afforded to her by your hard work. In event of divorce, you can be legally obligated to support her for years to come. Because she stopped working and led a life of leisure, then you the ex-husband is now responsible for supporting her!! History has a tendency of rewriting itself. Originally, a woman may have had a career that she may have hated, and was begging to leave. (In fact, that partially may have been her motivation to have kids in the first place.) But now, in her eyes (or her lawyer's eyes), she "gave up" her career for you and your kids. Your gift now becomes her sacrifice! As a result of her not working, regardless of whether she was minding the home or not, she remains a liability to you regardless.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Daddy's little princess. Ugh.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well....it's time for some boundary setting.

If you find yourself in money trouble...don't ask her if she will reduce. Tell her. Tell her she has to decide to give up something, then list a few options. Or go get a job.

You are getting walked on. Don't ever ever be scared to state your feelings to your SO. That fear is why you are where you are at. Speak your mind. Let it be known. Take charge of your life. Take charge of your happiness.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Yosser, I think before you overeact ( ie. make an firm decisions on next move ), start pulling away from her emotionally. Stop being her friend.

You have already supported this lifestyle for years so what is a few more months. But this time let go of the anger that you are doing so and don't even mention that your unhappy about her taking things for granted.

If you have friends, nicely start going on for an evening here and there. You don't have to have an affair to make it seem like you might be.

Act distracted, but don't be obvious about it.

Given your situation, it's clear that your unhappy, so start being a little more happy and stop caring about the things that she is doing. Again you have already been paying for her lifestyle, if you are here you still love her. Which means you need to change yourself before she will change. Positive change.

You have to be patient though...you can't expect her to notice in a couple of days, but she will notice and she will start worrying that you are walking away emotionally from her.

This is a much smarter play then to sit her down and make demands about how she needs to cut this and that out. She will immediately go on the defense and it will end in a fight. What will scare her, if she still loves you, is if she sees you actually changing and that this change is happening without the benefit of any announced decisions to her.

Drastic measures like bringing up separation, right now is unwise and possibly unnecessary.

I am in a much more complicated situation, already separated emotionally and physically from my wife. I did the limited contact and the 180 and they have pulled her back into the fold and she is talking reconciliation after many months of saying it was over.

Once you have sustained these measures, if your wife starts to ask what's wrong, once you feel she is sufficiently scared then you pull out the " wife...I am starting to walk away from you emotionally. I am going to continue to do so until I feel that you are ready to stat fixing what's broken and start pulling your share of the family load ". What that load entails to you only you can decide. Demanding she give up everything at once won't work, so if she is ready to listen, nicely explain that it's time she at least get something part time. Help her in that endeavor. You must know what she likes, besides hanging out at the gym. She will shudder at the thought because she is likely very proud and feels entitled. But if you frame it in such a way that it's needed to keep the family afloat...

After that conversation go back to quiet, no matter how sweetly she reacts to the conversation. You need to give her time to digest and reflect on what is most important to her. Her lifestyle or her marriage and family.

If the company you work for has offices in other cities, then I would look into a transfer. Quietly ! I know...change city, sell house, all of the logisitics...I just did it myself so I know. But if your family is important enough to you then think about it seriously. Of course, only if this is possible with current company. If you have been wanting to move to another city, start throwing your resume out there. All of this is only a " if it's possible " idea. But at least you don't have to worry about losing her income in such a move and you would pull her away from all of the things she seems to hold so dear. It would be the ultimate ultimatum, you either follow or you stay with your friends. You don't have to say it though. Anyway this is long term.

Ultimately I believe if you detach from her emotionally and start having fun on your own, stop nagging, stop sulking ( I have done it all so I am not pointing fingers ) then she will notice and could come around. But it has to be permanent until you feel she is back on side.


Good luck and keep us posted, I am still very unsure of my own situation so you have come to the right place to ask your questions. You are at the beginning and have a long way to go.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

justausername said:


> Third and not meant to be mean, if you divorce her as a slap in the face, you can be punished for working hard enough to allow your wife the have the luxury of staying home with the kids. After the children are in school, your wife may enjoy a life of leisure that is afforded to her by your hard work. In event of divorce, you can be legally obligated to support her for years to come. Because she stopped working and led a life of leisure, then you the ex-husband is now responsible for supporting her!! History has a tendency of rewriting itself. Originally, a woman may have had a career that she may have hated, and was begging to leave. (In fact, that partially may have been her motivation to have kids in the first place.) But now, in her eyes (or her lawyer's eyes), she "gave up" her career for you and your kids. Your gift now becomes her sacrifice! As a result of her not working, regardless of whether she was minding the home or not, she remains a liability to you regardless.


 I think this is VERY VERY sad. This is why men have affairs over divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if she has been cheating for years under your nose- with having intimacy less than 20 times in 10 yrs! WHY oh why did you put up with this? 

I can not even fathom how fuming ANGRY I would be if I was in your shoes, especially if you have to pay out your butt for her continued lifestyle. I think I would hire a PI to follow her around & expose an Affair (do you suspect?) , so the divorce will be LESS costly & you have some leverage if /when you go this route.


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