# Disconnect about time spent together: how to resolve?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I have posted before about my H. We have been working on quality time together, but he has been reticent.

To give you an idea of our current status re: quality time. Each week, we usually go out once together alone. Usually a quiet late lunch or early dinner on a Sunday for a couple hours just me and him. That is usually the only focussed time we arrange together. We do spend a lot of time together elsewhere, ie we'll hang out watching TV most evenings, I'll be on the laptop at some point or reading. Not what I'd term "quality" time as often we barely say a word! 

We spend time together as a family for most of the weekend. 

At some point during the week, I will talk about making arrangements for just-me-and-him time. Most of the time this is met with a rolling of the eyes. The disconnect is coming about because he feels we spend a LOT of time together, "more than most people do." We *do* spend quite a bit of time together- but not the kind of quakity, focussed time concentrating on each other that I feel is necessary to nurture a marriage.

The irony is we have booked to go away soon just me and him. We usually go away with married friends, and I know I will get the time around him doing what he wants to do, which will be going drinking every night. Last time we went, he got mad because I wanted to spend ONE EVENING out of a whole week, just me and him 
together.

I hace explained that it is painful when he gives his time, but grudgingly and makes it clear it's only to shut me up. It comes across like it is a chore. The stupid thing is he says he really enjoys us spending time together but it's just so difficult to arrange around work and home.

The only thing I can come up with is to become less available to him. Make him want to pursue spending time with me. He went out at the start of the week this week when we'd provisionally planned to spend time together. He promised he'd make it up to me one evening by snuggling up, and a massage. It's the weekend now, and no sign of either. His reasons? "We ran out of massage oil." I went to pick some up earlier: he said no because it was the "wrong kind of oil."

OK then. What can I do? 
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’d imagine it would be almost impossible to sit down on a regular basis and have really meaningful conversations. For me, it would feel very “forced” and somewhat artificial. I really do think you need to go out and get your own interests, things that you thoroughly enjoy doing on your own. Get a new hobby, one you’d need to research, plan etc., something creative. Then you will have interesting things to talk about.

They say “People who play together stay together”. So find something, an activity that both you and your H enjoy doing, dancing, a sport etc. and then spend quality time together doing that. It could be a cookery course, working for a charity, deprived children, animals etc. etc.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> I’d imagine it would be almost impossible to sit down on a regular basis and have really meaningful conversations. For me, it would feel very “forced” and somewhat artificial. I really do think you need to go out and get your own interests, things that you thoroughly enjoy doing on your own. Get a new hobby, one you’d need to research, plan etc., something creative. Then you will have interesting things to talk about.
> 
> They say “People who play together stay together”. So find something, an activity that both you and your H enjoy doing, dancing, a sport etc. and then spend quality time together doing that. It could be a cookery course, working for a charity, deprived children, animals etc. etc.


I started fitness classes for myself. I've been going for a while now and really enjoy them. My H likes I do this. 

I did find something I was *super* interested in for me which was definitely out of my comfort zone but I love the idea of, roller derby. However: the meet is a weeknight and he doesn't want me to be out then as he'd end up having to do all the kids' stuff by himself for a couple hours and he feels it's too much. I feel incredibly disappointed but get where he's coming from.

I will think about stuff we could do as a couple.

Do you think my approach is wrong? I wonder if he feels nagged to sit down with me or make plans. But if I don't do it, he just won't bother. I literally mean ever. The only time he'll make plans is if it's something he's interested in personally. For example, we're going to watch a film later. He hates this with a passion. It's one of ny favorite things to do. He'll do it grudgingly if I ask. It's a film he wants to see so he's excited to go. I don't know, he just never feels enthralled at the prospect of us having us time. Unless there's something in it for him. The holiday too: I enjoy going with friends but he's said he wouldn't like to go on holiday just me and him because we'd want to do different things and he has a certain expectation of a holiday (ie kicking back and drinking.) He basically takes his social life at home and transports it to our holiday destination. Same activity with the same people. I'm expected to fit in around it.
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