# husband was on a cheating site and always watches porn



## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

My husband and I have 4 kids,I recently caught him paying for a ****** ******* account, he already lied and said he ddnt pay for it but i found out it was coming out of his moms account.
He deleted t and said hed never do it again and he swore he never met with anyone but i seen his profile and it shows he chatted with women and asked for pics and his profile read want to meet up once a week discreetly. Its been 2 months now and i still think about it and when I try to talk to him about it he says im the one wth issues cause i let myself get so upset over nothing. Truth is i dont trust him anymore and im so badly hurt inside and ive changed since that day, i am sad alot and i go through everything of his. He accuses me of cheating on him but im a mother of 4 and 3 of the kids are under 2 when do I have the time i tell him.
He told me if i dont stop acting lke this he will take his laptop and leave it at work and change all passwords.

I dont know what to do as he will not understand that what he did tramatized me and hurt really bad. I ask myself often am i over reacting?
He acts like what he did was no big deal, and now he looks at porn every chance he gets and he recentlly asked me for a threesum with another woman. That hurt so bad when he asked me that and he asked me while we were being intimant. 
Im at my witts end now and dont know who to talk too and need advice as for now i want to leave this relationship but im worried about our children. They love their father so much.

Please I need advice


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## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

Dedra
I think there are 2 issues here. 

#1: Your husband. Yes it is stressful for women when their H watches porn. The discussion on the ethics surrounding porn-watching has been done to death. Neither side has conceded that they are wrong. Given that lots of women have said they are pained to know that their spouses watch porn, one just can't rationalise that away saying 'afterall women are attached to romance novels / shopping etc'. 

#2: You. At the risk of being philosophical / preachy, let me go ahead anyway and say that you simply should not let this aggrieve you. 
You can't control him completely, but you can control your reactions. I know it is not easy with 4 children (3 of them under 2 as you say). You can create a good atmosphere and broach the topic and set some limits to his behavior (on TAM this is called "boundaries"). Make him dedicate sometime for the children, share responsibilities. if you are religious, get him involved in the church. He will see how other fathers are responsible.

Regardless, keep posting here for support.

Best regards


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

Im not as concerned about the porn as i am about the dating website he was paying to be on and talking to other women and askng for their pics. Its a married but lookng site for discreet encounters.I cant stop thinkng about the things he said to these women. I am a very attractive woman who loves to please her man and goes above and beyond to do that so why the need for him to stray?? That breaks my heart


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Stop being a door mat. Have some real consequences for your husband, let him know what your relationship boundaries are and that you mean them. 
He has to know that you will not let him sweep his behaviour under the rug nor will you let him shift the blame on to you.

I would start with writing him a fairly short letter about his behaviour, how it has hurt and impacted your marriage. Let him know that he has to gain your trust back as he was the one that took it away. Tell him as a condition of staying married you require he be an open book and that he give you all passwords and let you know where he is going at all times. A good marriage has no secrets.

Ask him for marital counselling as a condition of staying married.


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## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

Yes, the dating sites and threesome is worrisome. You need to confront him, perhaps in a non-threatening way and have a discussion in terms of:
a. your self-esteem as a wedded wife
b. impact on the marriage as a mutually respectful institution
c. bad example to the children.
d. finances. 
You need to have a serious talk and lay down your expectations from him as a husband. Meeting up with women for sexual encounters is risky behavior. He might catch something.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

When I try to talk to him he says hes not doing anything and im crazy for worring about it and need to let it go.I can not stop thinking about I feel betrayed and he does not get that. He says its my problem and he only gets upset when i bring it up to him. He also said he can do what he wants on his laptop as long as hes coming home to me every night. So now i just keep it all inside and say nothing to him but im so unhappy and he doesnt even notice my change in behavior since i found all of this out. He lie to me and its killin me to know if he ever really met withsomeone ele, hell never tell.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

So how long do you want to stay miserable?

Will you take the suggestions given to you? Have boundaries and if he crosses them be prepared to leave untill he makes a very real effort.

Unless you make a big move, he will not be forced to make changed.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

I am scared to make that move because of our kids and I feel I depend on him he will not let me get a job, he says he dont want our kids watched by a stranger, i go crazy sitting in the house 24/7. 
Im at that point now where enough is enough and im gonna have to say something to him because im sooo unhappy and he does not understand he still thinks im the crazy one for being so upset about the website. I think i have all the right to be. Its always about him but everyone thinks hes this great husband father and person, but they dont see behind closed doors how he really is. Im afraid of what people will think when they find out how he really is to me. 
How do i get on my feet to where i can provide for me and my kids alone and can leave and start over and be a happy person again?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Dedra said:


> Im not as concerned about the porn as i am about the dating website he was paying to be on and talking to other women and askng for their pics. Its a married but lookng site for discreet encounters.I cant stop thinkng about the things he said to these women. I am a very attractive woman who loves to please her man and goes above and beyond to do that so why the need for him to stray?? That breaks my heart


You are right to focus on the dating site, as porn use is almost universal in men. You are wrong to look at flaws in yourself in terms of looks, many men have affairs with women who are less attractive than their wives. 

Your husband may well have convinced himself that he was never going to meet any of the women on the site, but just wanted to add a new dimension to his fantasies. Of course each of these decisions is like a stepping stone to infidelity, even if at each point you convince yourself that you are not going to actually be physically unfaithful.

Almost all men want to sleep with other women. That fact is not altered by being in love or being a committed family man. What is different in men who stray is their attitude to risk.
Men who are unfaithful tend to be risk-takers. 

So, the only thing that you can do to try and combat his tendency to take risks with his marriage is to raise his awareness of exactly what he will be giving up. Subtly remind him that in the case of a divorce the man will usually end up with a degraded relationship with his children. Married men live longer, are healthier, earn more and have more sex than single men. 

Drive it home that this is what he is risking for the sake of a physical thrill.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

Thank you! He knows what he did and he knows he hurt me he told me one day " I hurt you didnt I?" He knows I cry everyday he chooses to ignore it, he chooses to act as if everything is ok because he knows what he will loose. Hes not the type you can just talk to because he tends to get really defensive and makes excuses for himself or turns the blame to me. Like right now he accuses me of cheating on him, he says to me all the time i think your cheating on me when in fact ive never even thought about it till recently because i am so angry and so hurt and he dont understand my pain. He acts lke tough guy like oh shell never leave she depends on me too much, where wll she go? she has nowhere to go. thats his thinking.
I have had my wedding ring off now for 3 weeks and hes said nothing. He pays no attention to me. We were beng intamate last week and he had to turn on a porn movie and ok whatever but what got me thinking was he couldnt keep his eyes off of it while we were together he kept looking at it and not me at all, i finally said something to him and he denied it but i watched him watch it. and what hurt the most is that i put so much effort into our night i dressed up i looked hot that night and talk about a slap in the face i never felt so embarrassed or stupid. im at the point now to where i dont know what to do ive tried everything ive tried to be everything he wants in bed ive even tried to do things with him that hes been wanting me to do that i dont want to do but feel i have to now cause now i feel im in competition with all this other stuff and so i do these sexual activities for him and i let him to do me just so i can feel that he actually thinks im hot and wants me. I dont know if this makes sense to you but he makes me feel ugly and cheap and im neither.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

He tells me everyday he loves me and his family and he dont want to loose me but his actions show differnt. He told me if i ever tried to take away our kids from him he would make sure i didnt get them. How do I take that?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Forget what the above poster said. His advice was wrong. It's not OK for him to look at porn and treat you like that either.

If your husband thinks you have no options and will sty regardless, he clearly will keep doing this.

I find what you have described to be abusive.

Stand up for your self, look for a job, start looking at places you can go if need be, let him know you will not stand for it any longer. If you don't expect more of the same.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

It kills me to look at his browsing history and see what he does and looks at. Why does he look at these other women when he has a hot willing to do just about anything for him woman right here? I dont understand that at all. And now he knows I look at his laptop history and hell delete it i dont know whats hes doing at work he works 48 hour shifts i have 4 kids to care for i cant keep checking on him. He gets mad when i confront him about it. He goes to these live porn chat rooms and live webcams and t kills me. Im exhausted from sadness i feel almost numb to all of it now. I tried to get a job he found out and got very upset with me. It like he wants to keep me baracaded inside the house and never let me out. almost like he knows i can do better than him but wont let me have that chance to get away. does that make sense? He dont like me leaving the house he freaks out


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

I think now im only here for the kids the kids love their dad and m afraid to make that change and change what my kids are used to. Im afraid to shake up their life so i sacrafice mine for them everyday


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Don't be bullied by anyone as to whose advice you should or shouldn't listen to. Look at the advice and decide for yourself whether it makes sense and is given sincerely.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Dedra said:


> He tells me everyday he loves me and his family and he dont want to loose me but his actions show differnt. He told me if i ever tried to take away our kids from him he would make sure i didnt get them. How do I take that?


This is a bluff and you have to make him understand that he will be the loser if you get divorced. He has to believe that you will leave otherwise he will have no motivation to change his ways.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Dedra said:


> I am scared to make that move because of our kids and I feel I depend on him he will not let me get a job, he says he dont want our kids watched by a stranger, i go crazy sitting in the house 24/7.


Well it seems he has you where he wants you! You don't have a job because your husband says so (so he dictates your life) you have no money of your own and are dependent on him. Basically that means he can do whatever he wants, because he knows you're not going anywhere or do anything. It will more then likely continue like this too, unless YOU make some changes! One being setting some boundaries or issuing a ultimatium if need be and following through with it. He isn't taking you seriously.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Dedra said:


> I think now im only here for the kids the kids love their dad and m afraid to make that change and change what my kids are used to. Im afraid to shake up their life so i sacrafice mine for them everyday


My Dad was habitually unfaithful and my Mom was in the same position you are in now. 

She left him, his big house and the financial security he offered and moved into a tiny house with graffiti on the walls, an overgrown garden and broken windows. My Mom's family helped fix the place up and we were very happy there. 

The atmosphere pre and post divorce was like chalk and cheese. The tension in the house when my parents were together was terrible. When we were just with my Mom we were happy and I believe that we are healthier adults today for her leaving. 

Now, my Dad is alone and I see him once or twice a year out of obligation. My Mom is involved in our lives, has a great relationship with her grandchildren and I go to see her because I want to see her. 

I am not suggesting that you should get divorced, only you can make that decision, but in order to reset the balance of power in your relationship you have to realise that you hold the trump card in that it is much more likely that you will be awarded custody and will have a good relationship with your kids. 

For the sake of your children you need to wield some power in this relationship. It is damaging for children to grow up seeing a misogynist get his way by bullying and controlling his wife.


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## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

"ive even tried to do things with him that hes been wanting me to do that i dont want to do but feel i have to now cause now i feel im in competition with all this other stuff..."

I think you shouldn't do what you are not comfortable with, especially, if you think it degrades you. You really need to find the courage and have a discussion with him. And if it really means that much to you, you should go out and find work.


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## RECHTSANWALT (Oct 5, 2011)

Dedra said:


> He tells me everyday he loves me and his family and he dont want to loose me but his actions show differnt. He told me if i ever tried to take away our kids from him he would make sure i didnt get them. How do I take that?


Tell him, love is shown by actions, not by words of which there is no shortage. You have shown your love by tolerating his behavior at the detriment of your position as his wife and mother of his children. He must recognize his mistake and change his ways.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

I spoke with him this morning about it but i had to do over phone cause he works 48 hour shifts and i had to let him know how ifeel, he said he dont know what to do for me anymore to get me to stop thinking about it and he wants me to just forget it and stop bringing it up. i told him i wished he thought of that when he was doing what he was doing and he said he does too. 

So with that being said, he said he dont know what to tell me, so how do i take that? he also said he would throw his laptop in trash if that would help but thats not how i want our relationship i told him. i want that tust back, he says hes tries but how can he try when he works 3 jobs and has no time for me and kids to try and when he is home he just wants to sit and watch tv or be on laptop and not be bothered


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

He works 3 jobs but you can't even have one 1, wow and hows that working for him?!  Of course he wants you to stop bringing it up and just forget about it, most people who don't want to be reminded of something they have done don't want to talk about and do want to forget about it. 

Is he still chatting and looking at porn? Or has he stopped altogether? Trust will take time to rebuild. If he has stopped, then right now you might want to give him to benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep your ears and eyes open though, you should. 

If you had out a ultimatum, (which I think you should) make sure you stick to whatever you say you're gonna do, if he doesn't keep his word.


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## Dedra (Sep 17, 2012)

He works 3 jobs cause he says he dont want me working and he still looks at porn and he looks through the craigslist personals daily and everytime hes on laptop but whatever,he says he will stop but he wont ive heard t all before hell just delete his browsing history and say he stopped. He now knows that im serious and i am gonna make a change and that change may not include him.


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## scorpion31 (Sep 16, 2012)

i was you couple months ago. i caught my husband saving porn pictures using his iphone, texting the porn model, and paying the site just to watch porn. but i argue him and i told him everything about what i felt when i found out. i felt betrayed i'm devastated by his actions and i couldn't control myself so i fought him since then, because i can see it on my mind the nasty pictures the words on his text.
so i'm just miserable.
so i packed my stuff and tell him i don't wanna deal with him anymore, i'm a good wife, i'm taking care of him all the time, i don't do bad things to hurt him, but i don't trust him anymore, i'm traumatized of what he did. so untill now there's a time i just wanna leave...


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

How belittled you must feel. Having kids makes things so difficult. Sounds like your self esteem is dependant allot on how he thinks of you. I can relate to this. My husband has lost his libido and has stopped complimenting me and touching me like he used to. I have never felt so insecure about myself. It made me realize that I need to work on loving myself and not relying on him to make me feel hot. My husband also watches porn and had gone on dating sites. It confuses me that he would do so, but I trust him and I know he loves me.


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