# yall have gotta help me...



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i'm at a turning point in life, and in four weeks i have a black and white decision to make.

i have been married to my hubs for almost 2 years... 4 years total. my husband is a hindu pakistani... just turned 27. in march 2009 he was out of town and i checked his laptop and found pictures from his engagement party with another girl. he was supposed to have an arranged marriage. 

instead he asked me to marry him and 2 months later we had a court marriage. we've had a pretty good marriage; we go months without arguing about anything serious usually. when i met him he was living off daddy's money living in a friend's basement, and now we have a very nice life. 

before we got married i wanted to change my name.. he said he wasnt comfortable with that. he also wasnt comfortable telling his parents about our marriage. we agreed he would tell them after we'd been married for two years. his family not knowing hasnt really been a huge problem for me on a daily basis. i get upset when he visits his sister in NY and when they call.. but i usually just leave the room. but overall it does bother me. i feel there's an element of shame or embarassment in being married to me.

once he called me his roommate infront of his friends and that stung pretty badly. 

he's had some issues with porn, emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex... but he's not a bad guy.

lately we havent been getting along at all... i'd blame it on the tension of our upcoming anniversary, but i dunno. he gets upset over stupid stuff and in my head i'm thinking "dude, you're making this decision really easy for me"... 

but really its a huge decision. we never talk about it becuase its sensitive for both of us.. so i've been playing the waiting game for nearly 2 years. there's no signal or hint that he's just gonna tell them and not make me agonize anymore. he knows its a dealbreaker for me and he had said "I can do anything for you" when we last discussed it, but he seems incappable of answering yes or no which is scary.

so here i am.. 25 days away from the big day. and reality is starting to hit. where would i go? should i even go? i cant really afford rent on my part time bank job... should i ask my mom to buy a condo with me? does a good marriage really need to be thrown down the toilet because of his racist brown family? what the hell gives them the right to be racist towards me anyway?? maybe they'd accept me and he's just too chicken **** to find out? should i tell them myself? should i stay out of his family relationships since i really know very little about them? its a very weird situation.. but any advice is appreciated


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## nature (May 3, 2012)

Do you want this for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? Mixing cultures will rarelywork. At this point, its obviously not working for you. Be careful what you wish for..........you might get it. You were put in the closet after you met and two years later you are still there. The guy is deceitful and a user, not to mention spineless and will always cowtow to his family and you will always be secondary.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Wait Wait Wait!

In 25 days your HUSBAND is going to go MARRY someone else???

That alone doesnt answer all your questions??


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Cory, I assume you are white American.
I have a good friend of mine who is married to a Dutch guy, while her sisters all married white English men. She is Tamil, but grew up in the UK and from what she told me, her family were upset when she married her first husband( white English), as their tradition is to marry from their own Tamil/Bangladeshi comunity.
The girls obviously grew up in the West, but they were expected to marry Tamil men. I do not see anything racist in sticking to your own culture and I understand that it is expected for your husband to marry someone else in an arranged marriage. I do not agree with this at all, we should all choose who we want to marry, but I understand the expectations of his family.
The problem lies in your husband, he has lived in the West long enough to accept the different lifestyle, but he is not ready to break off from his traditions.
He told you that he will tell his family after 2 years, well this was to catch you and delay things. I believe his family will hit the roof when they find out that he married a white woman and he does not want that.
I do not know what she intends to do, but I doubt he will tell them soon. And what is happening with the girl he was to marry in an arranged marriage? Has he postponed this or refused her?
Does he intend to live outside Pakistan forever?
I would have never ever hidden or pretended to be his roommate-where is your self-respect? 
Regarding the hookers on craigslist, porn, etc I would be very worried-lots of red flags.
Since your aniversary is approaching, put the subject on the table. Talk to him, tell him you want to meet his family, that in the future when you have kids together, you want them to know their grandparents, cousins, aunts, etc. If he refuses to talk about it or refuses to tell his family about you, then you know what you need to do.
Get out of this marriage as things will only get worse.


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## HisMrs83 (Aug 8, 2011)

@Toronto

It sounds like it's 25 days away from making a decision to divorce. The H was initially going to marry in an arragned ceremony but married the OP instead.

@Cory275

I've worked with alot of people from the Middle East. I am not racist in any way, shape or form. However, I HAVE learned that they prefer to fraternize amongst their own. I can only believe it's because they live by very strict moral codes. The culture is very strict in itself. I can also guess that it's because many are wealthy and keep the money amongst themselves. 

I can't give you advice on ending it. I don't really believe in divorce. However, I don't know if you will ever truly be happy.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Am I the only one for whom this alone is reason to run to the hills?



cory275 said:


> he's had some issues with porn, *emailing craigslist hookers, emailing regular people (guys and girls... which he said was for jokes), facebook stalking his ex*... but he's not a bad guy.


He's not a bad guy?!?!?!

Let me see if I understand. Your husband lied to you by omission about being engaged via arranged marriage. Your husband engages in sex with other people from the internet, including hookers. He stalks his ex on facebook. He has 'issues' with porn of some kind. His family and friends have no idea he is married to you. When you try to talk to him about this stuff he stonewalls you.

I am having a hard time figuring out why the heck you are with him??


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

nature said:


> Do you want this for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? .


i'd love to be with my husband for the rest of my life. i dont wanna have the family drama for the rest of my life...


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Wait Wait Wait!
> 
> In 25 days your HUSBAND is going to go MARRY someone else???
> 
> That alone doesnt answer all your questions??



no no no no no.... 25 days is our 2 year anniversary. its illeal to have more than one wife in the US.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

Tiberius said:


> And what is happening with the girl he was to marry in an arranged marriage? Has he postponed this or refused her?
> Does he intend to live outside Pakistan forever?
> I would have never ever hidden or pretended to be his roommate-where is your self-respect?
> Regarding the hookers on craigslist, porn, etc I would be very worried-lots of red flags.
> ...


the girl in the arranged marriage called off the engagemnt a while ago. she's hoping for a love marriage to another man. i dont think my husband wants to go back to pak. but he knows he's not allowed if he wants to be with me. 

the roommate thing happend about a year ago.... maybe a few months shy of a year. at that time i really didnt know what to do. i had agreed to 2 years, so i just kept my word. when that happened i told him the family announcement thing was a dealbreaker for me. if he broke that promise to me i'd be gone. no warning.. just gone. change my number... possibly taking a leave of absense from work. 

i have no interest in having kids with him... or anyone. so having kids meet their relatives isnt the problem.. like you said... its my self respect.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

HisMrs83 said:


> @Toronto
> 
> It sounds like it's 25 days away from making a decision to divorce. The H was initially going to marry in an arragned ceremony but married the OP instead.
> 
> ...


my husband and i were dating long be for his parents made the arrangement. the situation was that if he refused the engagement he wouldnt be allowed (by his parents) to come back to the US (his parents were supporting him). 

if there's one thing i'v learned about brown people...its that they barely have morals. did my description of my husband describe the moral center of the universe? my opinion is the opposite. they have no morals... it may be because of poverty... but most people are soooo corrupted. people die over cell phones over there.. its a whole different world.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Am I the only one for whom this alone is reason to run to the hills?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


yes he lied by omission... i explained his reason for the engagement above. 

there is no physical contact with anyone else. its just emails to people on the CL personals. and its one or two exchanges "my name is blah blah... where are you from"... i've never seen it go further than that.. but it was the pricipal that bothered me. and it hasnt happened since right before we got married. stalking his ex was a harsh description... neither of us has FB, so he was just looking at her "add as a friend" page which just shows the profile pic and country of residence. and her profile pic was of some anime character. 

you know... we have been through a lot. he supported me when i didnt have a job and we had to pay $1000+ in rent... he gets me anything i want... there's a passion there and a love there that from what i read on this website is pretty rare in a marriage. he's never wanted out of the relationship... even when we were dating and we broke up over stupid stuff he always got me back. one morning he literally called me 60 times... he's put in a lot of effort to save this relationship.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

so lets talk logistics.. 

i've tried to get my mom to buy a condo with me, but she refused to sign a mortgage with me. she offered to give me cash.. but i'm not sure if it'll be enough to buy the condo. 

so if i do leave.. what are the options? staying with friends arent an option... would i have to get my own apartment? would i have to sign a lease? i work part time.. so paying rent on my own would be really hard. my husband gave me $6000 to have in my own bank acct.. but i've been driving my husbands car since mine was totalled in an accident back in october... i'd have to get my own car as well.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

WHY do you have the EXACT SAME THREAD on two different boards running simultaneously??????????


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You cannot expect people here on TAM to give you FINANCIAL or LEGAL advice. 

See an attorney if you have legal questions about marital money, husband's money, names on the lease, breaking the lease, buying/leasing a new place. 

See a financial advisor if you have questions about buying a car, buying a condo vs. renting, etc.

You have not left yourself a lot of time to make decisions before your 2nd anniversary is here. Beware of making rash decisions.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You saw photos of his engagement party with another woman. Presumably, his parents were at this party. Almost three years later, he doesn't want his parents or his friends to know about you. What are the odds that he is actually married to this woman back in his country?


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