# anyone in a successful long term open marriage?



## Danaerys

If so, please reply to this thread!

I went out with some girl friends over the weekend and I thought it was odd that I'd heard one of my friends repeatedly referencing some guy she was friends with. Well it comes out at dinner that she and her husband have started an "open marriage" and that the reason why it works for them is because they've been married for 18 years and I simply can't understand it since I've only been married for 8 years. 

I personally don't see this going in a good direction but maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about since I haven't been married for almost 20 years.


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## anotherguy

Not for us. No way. Not a chance. 25 years.

They've 'started' an 'open' marriage?

Impress me. Come back in 10 years and let me know how that went.  Good luck to them.


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## Danaerys

LOL yeah, 6 months ago she said they started having an open marriage.


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## anotherguy

There will always be someone that pipes up 'it can work!'. There are a couple kicking around this board if I remmember.

Shrug. Maybe so. The proof is in the pudding... show me a long-term happy couple and maybe I wont laugh.

I personally know 2 couples that tried this for a few years. Both are divorced now. Shrug, big surprise. Statistically meaningless, as is the fact none of the happily married couples I know would entertain the notion as far as I know.

Its like a road accident - you cant help but look but you sure know its not something you want to be a part of.


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## Hope1964

By my definition, 'successful' marriage and 'open' marriage are an oxymoron.

If you want to have more than one sexual partner, don't get married. By definition, MINE anyway, when you get married you promise to not have sex with anyone else.

I realize others differ in their opinion and that's fine.

When spouses decide to 'try' an open marriage, it's usually because one has pushed the other into it. They don't SAY that, but I think it's true.


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## anotherguy

by my thinking - is also says they were not happy with the way things were. Hey - we should try this..things will be better.

If you buy that argument - then I suppose the newly minted 'open marriage' couple already has one strike against them.


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## Regga

Yikes! Well...polygamy is something I don't really understand either, but I guess it works. In some cultures.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore

I doubt there are people here on this board who have successful long-term "open marriages." 

It's not really a marriage if it's open now, is it? It's more of an arrangement. 

Why get married at all? It's not like people HAVE to get married these days. Why have the lifestyle of a single person while being married? If you want to sleep with other people then stay single. 

I've been on relationship boards for a while and I have yet to come across really successful open marriages. I've followed a few blogs of such couples over the years. Some of the marriages fail in a spectacular way. Some are limping along. The easiest ones to predict for failure are those who have big chasms in their "regular" marriages and they decide the way to fix those problems is to invite third parties into their sexual lives. Yes, if you two can't make it together as just the two of you, adding new people will really help. I can see that train wreck coming from a mile away.


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## TDSC60

Been married for 40+ years to my one and only wife.

Sure there have been ups and downs. Disagreements and arguments. It is par for the course. But we always come together and discuss things. Only one time in my marriage was divorce on the table and that was when my wife got a little too close to a guy in the same aerobics class at her gym.

But never have I contemplated and "open" marriage. Sounds like they are staying together for strictly financial reasons, not because they are in love with their spouse. Or maybe they just do not want to go through the hassle of a divorce to make it official.

Open marriage is just an unofficial divorce.


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## Shadow_Nirvana

TDSC60 said:


> Open marriage is just an unofficial divorce.


:iagree:

What connection does a husband and wife have, if not for marital sex and the sense of intimacy that comes with being your spouse's only partner? Playing scrabble? Talking about how work went? I don't know, open marriage just sounds like roommates that have sex sometimes.


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## anotherguy

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> :iagree:
> 
> What connection does a husband and wife have, if not for marital sex and the sense of intimacy that comes with being your spouse's only partner? Playing scrabble? Talking about how work went? I don't know, open marriage just sounds like roommates that have sex sometimes.


I agree.

When you phrase it like that it reminds me of the oft cited symotom of a couple that is drifting apart... '..I feel like we are only roommates that get along...'

everyone is agreeing wth each other here. Whaddabig circlejerk. ;p


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## PBear

Well, I'm going to throw in my thoughts. First of all, the relationship I'm talking about is with my GF of 2 years, not a spouse. I freely acknowledge the difference. And secondly, we've been seeing each other for two years, so it's not really long term yet. But we have been "exclusive" to each other for most of that period.

Now to the reason for my post... . We've got the best sex life I could ever dream of. Wet wild monkey sex on a regular basis, very compatible when it comes to what turns us on, our drive is very much in sync (4 to 6 times a week). Everything just freaking rocks.

The kink side is that we have brought other people into our bedroom, multiple times. I'm a card carrying sex club member to one in a close by town, and we've been to a few others. I think we've gone to a club 4 times. We've also had a 3.5some, and a threesome. I don't consider us "open", as we've agreed that we wouldn't see someone separately from each other. In fact, during almost all our sex with others, we've been close enough to touch.

To me at least, the "sex with others" is still a sexual experience with my GF, with some other "actors" thrown in for fun. I wouldn't recognize most of them if I saw them on the street, we have no way of contacting any of the people we've met in the clubs, they're just not that important other than the erotic pleasure they helped with for part of a night. There's definitely no emotional attachment or connection to anyone else.

Anyway, I do believe that we will likely continue with the occasional erotic hit as our relationship continues. If anyone has any respectful questions, I'll be happy to respond. 

C


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## anotherguy

see!

I told ya there was some. 

hardly a 'long term marriage', but OK.

"3.5some"

OK, I'll bite. half a person? And uhm.. you dont consider this 'open'? Thats sort of splitting linguistic hairs, isnt it? Open roughly meaning 'other people' and not necessarily 'approved party list' if you get my drift.


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## PBear

anotherguy said:


> see!
> 
> I told ya there was some.
> 
> hardly a 'long term marriage', but OK.
> 
> "3.5some"
> 
> OK, I'll bite. half a person? And uhm.. you dont consider this 'open'? Thats sort of splitting linguistic hairs, isnt it? Open roughly meaning 'other people' and not necessarily 'approved party list' if you get my drift.


I can accept the comment about linguistic hair splitting. . To me, a truly open marriage would involve partners dating openly without their spouses involvement. What my GF and I have is more of a "swinger" situation. Wikipedia (which is hardly the end of all knowledge) talks a lot about the differences between "open polyamory" and "open swinging" marriages. Even within swingers, there's a spectrum from sharing pics/vids with other couples to same room (but keep your own partner) sex to soft swap to same room full swapping to anything goes. 

As far as the 3.5some goes... It was with another couple, and the other guy... Lets just say his heart (or something) wasn't in it. 

C


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## Wiltshireman

I can not imagine any chance of long term success. Then agian for me marriage is:

Between one man and one woman, forsaking all others, till death us do part. 

Not a very modern / political correct view I know but it is what I believe.


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## *LittleDeer*

Your friend has just started an open marraige... Lets see how that turns out.  

To me if you love someone and you would protect something you value highly from danger, you would not dangle it out there and see who else wants a go. JMO There are So many pitfalls in open marraiges. Why risk it? 

My fiancé was in an open marraige and it ended in divorce with his XW now shacked up with one of the men she was sleeping with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man

I would be brutally honest and not * politically correct * on this one.

I did an entire thread on this subject right here ;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/58606-threesomes-so-fourth.html

and what I have discovered is that it actually works for some couples.
Whether or not it works depends on the dynamics of the relationship and the personal tolerance level of the individuals in the relationship.
I've had lots of people sending me PM's about it because they were afraid to post their views.
But for a small minority of people it can actually work.
This is how it works *FOR THEM*.

Just like in monogamous marriages, they first set specific boundaries which they don't ever cross.
Also those who are successful seem to have emotional connection and are deeply in tuned with each other's emotional needs. They are very respectful of each other's feelings.

I say again that not everyone who attempts this lifestyle is successful. It's a very tricky emotional balancing act.
Its like two star players on a football team who know exactly how to read each other. Whenever one gets the ball , the other knows exactly what position to get into in order to receive the ball and score. They know how playing field, how to manipulate the game and how to play their own game within the game itself.

Another surprising detail I found out from my thread was that mostly mature couples were involved in the lifestyle.

It is not something I would do in our marriage neither is it something I would recommend for other couples.
But the facts are that some couples do it and their marriages are strong.


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## anotherguy

Wiltshireman said:


> I can not imagine any chance of long term success. Then agian for me marriage is:
> 
> Between one man and one woman, forsaking all others, till death us do part.
> 
> Not a very modern / political correct view I know but it is what I believe.


Im going to pick on you here, just express a point..nothing personal...

'not politically correct'.. is that what you really think?

Seems to me people inject 'not politically correct' as a walled defense against anything they disagree with... some kind of passive-agressive throwing up of the hands and saying 'well... its ONLY me, but...' as if that gives someone a pass without having to defend their position?

ok... that is all totally off topic - but the 'maybe its not politically correct' defense or disclaimer is a pet peeve.


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## MattMatt

Just picture the scene! 
"Happy anniversary, dear! By the way, in the true open spirit of our marriage, I have to tell you that I have probably given you an STD!"

"Thank you, my love! In response to your openness I have to tell you that none of our children were fathered by you!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

Coffee Amore said:


> It's not really a marriage if it's open now, is it? It's more of an arrangement.


This ^ :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Wiltshireman

anotherguy said:


> Im going to pick on you here, just express a point..nothing personal...
> 
> 'not politically correct'.. is that what you really think?
> 
> Seems to me people inject 'not politically correct' as a walled defense against anything they disagree with... some kind of passive-agressive throwing up of the hands and saying 'well... its ONLY me, but...' as if that gives someone a pass without having to defend their position?
> 
> ok... that is all totally off topic - but the 'maybe its not politically correct' defense or disclaimer is a pet peeve.


By "not politically correct" I mean that:
In the modern western world we are told by our law makers (judges / politcians/ etc) that we MUST accept Same Sex Relationships, Co Habitation, Absentee Parent as having equal worth to marriage.
I do not accept this.


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## Coffee Amore

MattMatt said:


> Just picture the scene!
> "Happy anniversary, dear! By the way, in the true open spirit of our marriage, I have to tell you that I have probably given you an STD!"
> 
> "Thank you, my love! In response to your openness I have to tell you that none of our children were fathered by you!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl:


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## Daneosaurus

Wiltshireman said:


> By "not politically correct" I mean that:
> In the modern western world we are told by our law makers (judges / politcians/ etc) that we MUST accept Same Sex Relationships, Co Habitation, Absentee Parent as having equal worth to marriage.
> I do not accept this.


1. Why not? Why is that problem for you?

2. Open marriage IS NOT plural marriage IS NOT homosexual marriage IS NOT Co Habitation IS NOT Absentee parenting. Those are all COMPLETELY SEPARATE issues.


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## Shaggy

It works out very well every time for the divorce lawyers.


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## Anon Pink

Wiltshireman said:


> By "not politically correct" I mean that:
> In the modern western world we are told by our law makers (judges / politcians/ etc) that we MUST accept Same Sex Relationships, Co Habitation, Absentee Parent as having equal worth to marriage.
> I do not accept this.


1. Absentee parenting has equal worth to marriage? I don't understand where this came from.
2. You are not *forced to accept* as equal to marriage. You are *forced not to discriminate against* those in same sex marriage or common law marriage. You remain free to not accept them as equal worth to legal marriage.

I know it feels like splitting hairs but there is a huge difference between not accepting something and discriminating against something. You are permitted to not personally accept any social custom, but you are not allowed to discriminate based on that which you do not personally accept.


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## Anon Pink

I don't personally know anyone involved in swinging or in open marriages. Having been married myself for such a long time, having been through some ups and a lot more downs, seeing how easily communication breaks down, life events alter our views of ourselves and each other, I think there runs a huge risk to breaking the marriage apart rather then adding something positive.

But I think for a very few rare couples, something like this could work. Strict boundaries talked about and agreed to and even agreeing on specific goals to seek that this new aspect of the relationship could bring, would have to be discussed at length. But the most important piece, I would guess, would be that both participants enthusiastically WANT to make this happen and WANT to keep their relationship closely connected.


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## daffodilly

PB Bear,

Are you in love with her? Truly in love with her? Is she someone you would consider marrying, and if so, do you think you would keep it up? 

Just curious, you don't have to answer.

Personally, I could never share. I can only imagine doing that kind of arrangement if I wasn't in love with my partner and we were just friends with benefits or something. But that's just me. Watching another woman bring H to orgasm....would literally destroy me. He'd feel the same. Doesn't even like to be reminded that I was married before.

I guess bottom line, I think both parties have to be 100% enthusiastically for it...there can be no convincing involved.


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## PBear

daffodilly said:


> PB Bear,
> 
> Are you in love with her? Truly in love with her? Is she someone you would consider marrying, and if so, do you think you would keep it up?
> 
> Just curious, you don't have to answer.
> 
> Personally, I could never share. I can only imagine doing that kind of arrangement if I wasn't in love with my partner and we were just friends with benefits or something. But that's just me. Watching another woman bring H to orgasm....would literally destroy me. He'd feel the same. Doesn't even like to be reminded that I was married before.
> 
> I guess bottom line, I think both parties have to be 100% enthusiastically for it...there can be no convincing involved.


Yes, I truly am in love with her, and although I'm not sure we'll ever get married, I do see a long future with her. The "not marrying" part is more due to the fact that we're in our mid-40's, not having any kids, so there's not much reason to make things terribly official.

Would we keep it up (tee-hee!)... I think so. So long as we're both still enjoying it, why not?

C


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## denisefire

If you are curious why your friend is starting a open marriage, don't be. In my opinion this is not healthy. It is the beginning of a very slippery slope. If they started and built their marriage all those years based on what marriage is a lone commitment to each other, then i think it is an excuse to stay together and cheat on one another, then to fix what is lacking in their marriage. Marriage is hard work. Keep your fire going in your marriage and focus on that.


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## Flowers

Wiltshireman said:


> I can not imagine any chance of long term success. Then agian for me marriage is:
> 
> Between one man and one woman, forsaking all others, till death us do part.
> 
> Not a very modern / political correct view I know but it is what I believe.


I support you 100%. An other type of marriage to me. Any other kind of marriage destroys its meaning and therefore crap.


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## suspiciousOfPeople

From my own experience an open relationship does not work. My wife and I attempted it once (2.5 years ago). She was out of state for a few weeks and gave me permission to go to a swingers house party alone (we were and still are swingers(well sort of)). I was the only single male there and I had sex with four different women that night. When my Mrs returned she asked me how the party was and I told her everything (big mistake). She was not happy (in her mind I was to only have sex with one woman). A month later my wife went to spend a weekend with her parents and decided to go to her (college age) cousins house as the cousin was having a birthday party. I was fine with her going but she kept texting me tell me about so guy was hitting & flirting with her. She asked me if she could "play" with him and at first I was fine about it. However as the night progressed she would call me or text me to tell me all about it and I was starting to get pissed off at her. Finally I told her "I changed my mind" no playing with him. Well she did anyway. She comes home and I was a little mad not but not enraged and for a while things were fine. However, a few weeks later we get into an argument and we bring up our escapades during the argument and she say she f#cked the guy to get back at me for screwing four women. 

Just so everyone knows. I was fine with her screwing the guy. Not happy but fine. I even thought it was hot! What I have an issue with is she said she did it (sex with the guy) out of revenge or to spite me. *So basically when she said this to me it ruined my trust in her.*

Also, since that night we have played with others. However we were together and there were no jealousy or emotional issues.

We are still working on issues from 2.5 years ago! It has caused a rift between us.


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## Angus1985

An open marriage is simply this: "Honey, can you give me permission to **** someone else?" And then it's not considered being unfaithful if you have permission.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I've known 3 couples who had "open" marriages ... it included swinging, sex parties as well as dating for fun. Completely changed my view of them when I found out but hey, to each their own. All 3 couples are divorced and a couple of the people involved are divorced multiple times. Hardly a good sample size but consistent with my view of "open marriages".


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## Wiserforit

In our case we have agreed in principle we are not opposed to it, under conditions we both agree to. But it simply isn't worth the effort to pull it off. 

Seriously, whatever work is involved in locating people on the internet or leaving the house, having to go through the actual process of meeting and small talk, even taking off clothes seems like too much work. It has to happen by magic, they have to be the perfect fantasy, and at the end *poof* disappear. And it has to be free.

So if anyone here knows how to make that happen, then just wave that wand for us, abracadabra, and thank you very much.


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## PBear

Wiserforit said:


> In our case we have agreed in principle we are not opposed to it, under conditions we both agree to. But it simply isn't worth the effort to pull it off.
> 
> Seriously, whatever work is involved in locating people on the internet or leaving the house, having to go through the actual process of meeting and small talk, even taking off clothes seems like too much work. It has to happen by magic, they have to be the perfect fantasy, and at the end *poof* disappear. And it has to be free.
> 
> So if anyone here knows how to make that happen, then just wave that wand for us, abracadabra, and thank you very much.


Until you said "it has to be free", I was going to suggest going to a sex club. The ones I've been to, it's like going to a "regular" nightclub, with space upstairs to have sex. In fact, the people there are more open and friendly than in a regular club. It also meets your criteria of them disappearing at the end... My GF and I have no idea how we'd contact the people we met in the clubs, as we never exchanged any contact information besides first names.

Anyway, something to think about.

C


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## Wiserforit

PBear said:


> Until you said "it has to be free", I was going to suggest going to a sex club. The ones I've been to, it's like going to a "regular" nightclub, with space upstairs to have sex. In fact, the people there are more open and friendly than in a regular club. It also meets your criteria of them disappearing at the end... My GF and I have no idea how we'd contact the people we met in the clubs, as we never exchanged any contact information besides first names.


I understand, but clubs are wrong for us not just because of money, but sheer laziness in having to go anywhere. 

So I have to admit that at least for now, fantasy level play-acting and mutual porn viewing will have to do. I don't look at porn unless she is either there or tells me to do it. This is one tip for guys - the wife is all about control. When she is in control of it, that really expunges the feelings of jealousy. It's when you go behind her back or worse yet lie about it that she feels betrayed.

She can feel like she has power by knowing what to put in front of you to inspire a big 'ole woodie, and get off watching you blow your stack. 

So I admit to the possibility that sex with others can not only be tolerated, but there are some people who are even going to get a thrill out of their partner having sex with someone else. I have specific fantasies about my wife with other men. 

We did not start out this way. It was after several years of wonderful, trusting marriage and sex every day. But to actually go about doing it for us, we don't see it realistic to expect finding something that beats fantasy and porn. It is not a priority thing for us.

She handed me three hundred dollars once on Bourbon Street. She saw this little stripper, they stand out in front of the bars, and she knows me better than I know myself. So sure enough, she spotted the right one and turned to me with the money and said "do her". From discussions with people there that seemed to be the going price for taking one of them to a hotel room.

But when you look at three hundred bucks cash money plus hotel a man starts thinking about power tools. So I got a Husqvarna Chain saw out of that deal instead. Every time I pick that thing up, and it will be for years, I think about that hot little stripper. A short, athletically built black girl in black hot pants. Not in regret. It's just that she was a fine little scrumpet. 

If I had done her maybe it would have been pretty fun and the wife wouldn't have minded. But it isn't worth a new chain saw or an air compressor or whatever the money will buy you, I know that for certain. 

Sorry for wandering but with open marriages, if they can work at all, it seems to me it is going to need complete honesty, boundary-respecting, and agreement beforehand. Both people need to be absolutely for it, gung-ho.


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## Caribbean Man

Wiserforit said:


> She handed me three hundred dollars once on Bourbon Street. She saw this little stripper, they stand out in front of the bars, and she knows me better than I know myself. So sure enough, she spotted the right one and turned to me with the money and said "do her". From discussions with people there that seemed to be the going price for taking one of them to a hotel room.
> 
> *But when you look at three hundred bucks cash money plus hotel a man starts thinking about power tools. So I got a Husqvarna Chain saw out of that deal instead. Every time I pick that thing up, and it will be for years, I think about that hot little stripper. A short, athletically built black girl in black hot pants. Not in regret. It's just that she was a fine little scrumpet. *


Man,
You think just like me!:smthumbup:

With respect to the porn, whatever porn comes into the house, my wife has choose it, not me.
She decides what we look and when we look at it.
I'm cool with that.
Yes , its all about control. Women like to feel a sense of power over male sexuality and vice versa.
That is the way its supposed to be in marriage.


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## Wiserforit

Caribbean Man said:


> Man,
> You think just like me!:smthumbup:
> 
> With respect to the porn, whatever porn comes into the house, my wife has choose it, not me.
> She decides what we look and when we look at it.
> I'm cool with that.
> Yes , its all about control. Women like to feel a sense of power over male sexuality and vice versa.
> That is the way its supposed to be in marriage.


Yea, that's why communication is so important. If there is a miscommunication over this then trouble is bound to happen.


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## suspiciousOfPeople

Wiserforit said:


> In our case we have agreed in principle we are not opposed to it, under conditions we both agree to. But it simply isn't worth the effort to pull it off.
> 
> Seriously, whatever work is involved in locating people on the internet or leaving the house, having to go through the actual process of meeting and small talk, even taking off clothes seems like too much work. It has to happen by magic, they have to be the perfect fantasy, and at the end *poof* disappear. And it has to be free.
> 
> So if anyone here knows how to make that happen, then just wave that wand for us, abracadabra, and thank you very much.


it is a lot of work! Even going to and hooking up at the swing club is a lot of work!


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## Wiserforit

SeaMaiden said:


> he said there is no way he would be able to share me with another man OR woman, he'd go bat sh*t crazy... and this is from a man who used to swing with his ex wife - guess I'm just all that AND a bag of chips! Score one for me! (insert evil little laugh here)


I'm thinking the fantasy is generally going to be better than the reality. Maybe that is what he discovered.

It's over 80% of guys admitting that they fantasize about other women during sex with their spouse. The others are lying. At least sometimes they do. 

Does that mean they actually want to be doing what they are imagining? For me, no.


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## Caribbean Man

Wiserforit said:


> I'm thinking the fantasy is generally going to be better than the reality. Maybe that is what he discovered.
> 
> It's over 80% of guys admitting that they fantasize about other women during sex with their spouse. The others are lying. At least sometimes they do.
> 
> Does that mean they actually want to be doing what they are imagining? For me, no.


:iagree:

Fantasy is always better, and safer.
Some people seem to think that fantasy must become reality. Therein lies the problem.
A fantasy does what you tell it to do with no consequences, however reality has sex with other unknown people ,STD's , emotions and the ability to ruin your marriage relationship.


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## Tulanian

My wife and I had a threesome once, but it was with someone we know really well. Can't for the life of me say why it happened, the two of them just showed up in our bedroom, stripped down, and asked me what I wanted to do. Afterwards we've never talked about it. Pretend it didn't happen.

Now that we're splitting up, I pointed out to her that legally me having gone down on our friend was adultery that would allow us to divorce without the twelve month separation period. She's adamant that we're not bringing that up in court. I can't do it, since I was the one who actually did something sexual with someone else (has to be the other spouse cheating). 

When we hit the worst of our current dry/dead spell, I sent her a couple of articles about couples just deciding to be sexually open because they were otherwise fine being married (finances, co-parenting, etc) but weren't involved sexually. Totally pissed her off.

I can think of theoretical couples where it might work, but I've never met one.


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## DumpedAgain

I am currently separated but still living in the same house
My business is run out of the house, files, computers, employees
Moving out will have to be permanent

After 22 years she just doesn't like me very much, she had
cancer, I had cancer, intimacy disapeared two years ago

She was having an emotional affair, it came out before it 
became physical. Now she is talking open marriage, wants
to stay room mates, and have a relationship with another man

She is finishing her graduate degree (2 more years) and 
appears to want to have the financial security the marriage
provides and have a relationship with someone else

It comes down to she "wants her cake and eat it too"

I think open marriage is a great big cop out


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## PBear

DumpedAgain said:


> I am currently separated but still living in the same house
> My business is run out of the house, files, computers, employees
> Moving out will have to be permanent
> 
> After 22 years she just doesn't like me very much, she had
> cancer, I had cancer, intimacy disapeared two years ago
> 
> She was having an emotional affair, it came out before it
> became physical. Now she is talking open marriage, wants
> to stay room mates, and have a relationship with another man
> 
> She is finishing her graduate degree (2 more years) and
> appears to want to have the financial security the marriage
> provides and have a relationship with someone else
> 
> It comes down to she "wants her cake and eat it too"
> 
> I think open marriage is a great big cop out


But it really sounds like in your case, the problems started long before your wife raised the thought of an open marriage. The open marriage is just a way for her to have her cake and eat it too, as you said. But your marriage was over and dead already.

C


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## Caribvistors

Some of the above comments about friends who got involved in "open marriage" events and then later divorced rings pretty true based upon our experiences.

There were two couples that we were very friendly with, one we met shortly after we were married and the other came into our lives about 10 years later. The latter couple we had a much closer association, as our kids were the same age and the friendship lasted for a far longer period. What occurred between us and these 2 couples were unplanned, single intimate episodes, with no emotional attachments.

Both of couples years later initially separated and then divorced, all 4 people subsequently remarried others. We do not know if their intimate involvement with us contributed to the final breakup. Over the years we have been in infrequent friendly contact and have chatted with each of them and there was never any mention or insinuation concerning their single casual encounter with us had any negative effect upon their relationship. One of the husbands we are still fairly close with today. He claims he has never told his 2nd wife, but she appears to be very wary of my wife when we get together. She has serious fidelity issues as a result of her 1st marriage and her "new" husband and my wife can get into harmless, but rique conversations. The other 3 moved out of state over the years.

We have been married over 40 years and have a great close, loving relationship. We have very fortunate to have never experienced a "hard patch" (as often commented about on this forum) over the years. One characteristic of both our personalities that probably contributes to our marriage longevity, is we a virtually devoid of any feelings of jelousey about each other. Another positive element, is open communication about everything.


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## TheManinBlack

Danaerys said:


> If so, please reply to this thread!
> 
> I went out with some girl friends over the weekend and I thought it was odd that I'd heard one of my friends repeatedly referencing some guy she was friends with. Well it comes out at dinner that she and her husband have started an "open marriage" and that the reason why it works for them is because they've been married for 18 years and I simply can't understand it since I've only been married for 8 years.
> 
> I personally don't see this going in a good direction but maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about since I haven't been married for almost 20 years.


It obviously works for some folks, but it is not for me. I'd be wayyyyy too jealous and insecure.


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## Kermitty

You would probably have better luck finding couples that this lifestyle works for on a "kinkier" site.


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## diwali123

The divorce rate is 50%. Statistically I don't think you would find much of a correlation between having an open marriage and divorce. I know a ton of people who were monogamous who are divorced. 
I had a childhood friend whose parents had an open marriage. They are still together thirty years later. But I have no clue how long the open part lasted or what their marriage has been like. 

I don't think it's a good idea. It just seems like you are cheapening your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus

Came across this interesting video of a woman who works as a sex surrogate. Boy do I have mixed feelings about it:

_"Cheryl's husband was the one who suggested that they have an open marriage -- and that freedom let her discover an unusual line of work."_

AOL.com Video - The Sex Surrogate That Inspired a Movie


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## JustSomeGuyWho

diwali123 said:


> The divorce rate is 50%. Statistically I don't think you would find much of a correlation between having an open marriage and divorce. I know a ton of people who were monogamous who are divorced.
> I had a childhood friend whose parents had an open marriage. They are still together thirty years later. But I have no clue how long the open part lasted or what their marriage has been like.
> 
> I don't think it's a good idea. It just seems like you are cheapening your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The divorce rate is 50% for ALL marriages. Most couples are monogamous ... or at least in the mind of at least one of the spouses which is a significant factor in the divorce rate. So, obviously you know a lot of divorced people who were NOT in in an open marriage. How that translates into not seeing a correlation between open marriages and divorce doesn't follow. 

You likely wouldn't be able to find statistics on ONLY open marriages but if you do I'll bet you will find a higher divorce rate ... for exactly the same reason you don't think it's a good idea.


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## Kermitty

After everything that I've experienced and reading all these posts about sexless marriages, maybe people with open marriages are on to something. It seems like people are becoming more aware of it and perhaps it is the wave of the future. With everything we seek to find in our partner, perhaps it is unfair to put all that pressure unto one person. Maybe monogamy should be a choice rather than the rule. Maybe we are getting to the tipping point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit

This Wiki article quotes a number of studies:

Open marriage relationship - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Surprising levels of satisfaction amongst swinger couples and open marriages, but what do I know.

The upshot of this is that you can't base this on averages. For some couples, it is going to be a positive for their marriage and for others absolute disaster. 

You can't take people who will freak out with infidelity and say "look how 80% of swinger couples report higher satisfaction with their marriage after they started swinging." The people that are swinging are OK with it.


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## DumpedAgain

It is a sad fact that 50% of all marriages end in divorce
the other 50% end in death, maybe I am one of the lucky ones?


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## leegmoser

I am going to tell you In a survey of 351 married couples, a list of top reasons for long term success in marriages (defined as 15+ years) was developed:



Spouse is best friend
Liking of spouse as a person
Marriage is seen as a long term commitment
Agreement on goals
Spouses become more interesting to each other
Wanting the relationship to succeed



This list may seem self-explanatory, but consider this as well. According to normal rebound theory, people’s level of satisfaction in life exists at a set level, the homoeostasis of happiness if you will. Life events like dating, engagement, and marriage push the balance into positive territory. Naturally, over time, the balance will return to center and our satisfaction will fade as a result.


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## Trenton

I think for one to get married but willingly engage in sex with others is really smiting the term marriage. I'm all for it if it makes one happy but don't take a piss on marriage or pretend you have one simply because you both say so.

Now you have two women or two men who want to enter into marriage and be faithful to one another for the duration of their lives and this bothers us as a society?

I think marriage is a privilege and entitlement offered by the state, much like a driver's license. I think if you poop on the idea of the privilege you signed up for then it should be revoked. There's a reason why it's defined in most states as a union between one man and one woman. Check your penis and vagina needs to wander at the door or don't enter at all. 

So, for me, the topic is not about whether or not it can be successful but more so that it should never be. There's no point to marriage being combined with "open".


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