# Lack of sex due to medical or attraction



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 11. He has been diabetic since I met him but sex wasn't really non existant until about a year or two after we got married. The sex became less and less and then when we did have sex, he would lose his erection. He told me shortly after this started happening he would talk to his urologist and get help. Then things would get somewhat better to where we would have sex without him losing his erection, but we would only be doing it 2x's per month. I talked to him about how infrequent we were having sex and it would get better for a while, then we were right back to the beginning - occasional sex and lost erections. Now about a year after we got married, I caught him on dating sites looking at woman's profiles and in chat rooms titled "married but still looking". When I confronted him, he said he was just masturbating to the photos (which I never believed - they have porn for masturbating), but he swore he wasn't cheating or seeing anyone else. I choose to forgive him and move on. The issue is, we are now back to lost erections and very infrequent sex. Our sex has never been intimate or romantic, which is my fault for letting it continue for so many years. I have always felt like it was just sex and quickies. I talked to him about my feelings again today, but where I'm at is, are these lost erections truly medical, is he interested in someone else or could it be a combination of both? I have checked his texts and haven't found anything. He is always on the iPad when we're home and on it late at night after I go to bed. This makes me think he might back to the online dating sites again. I have asked him if he was but he denied it. I am just so confused, but more than that, I have lost my self esteem, and I feel so unattractive. I am a very sexual person and I've tried to get him to try different positions over the years, I give him oral sex, I've brought in toys, tried watching porn, talking dirty, yet nothing seems to make any difference. He's just not into any of it except the oral sex. I do know he masturbates because I've woken up in the middle of the night to it, but he's so embarressed to even discuss masturbation with me that I couldn't even tell him I knew he did it. I don't want to divorce over this, but I don't know if I can continue to be in a sexless, intimateless marriage. He says he's going to see his urologist in February, so I guess I'll see if he's serious about getting help this time. I'm probably setting myself up for disappointment once again but I'd just like to know if anyone else has experienced this and guys, does this sound like a combination of cyber cheating and/or the diabetes?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

With his KNOWING you are ready, willing... wanting / desiring him... then waking up to him masturbating in bed behind you... staying up later at night, after lying about his going on those sites.. I'm sorry to say... I would NOT trust anything he says.. and he sounds very selfish , just wanting blow jobs.. how is his erections holding up with those ? 

Can Diabetics take Viagra.. I am thinking so.. 

I can only imagine your frustration with this.. it's going to have to come down to.. his being willing to save his sexual energies for you.. or he's going to loose you..

It could be a combination of both ... but there is help out there for his ED.. if he continues after he gets some viagra, you know there is MORE going on here, than his worry over some failed erections.


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you for responding and your honesty. In my gut, I feel it's more than just his medical condition. If I had something wrong where I couldn't perform sex, I would be running to the doctor to get help. Not only for myself, but so I could still please him. Also, he doesn't lose his erection when getting a blow job nearly as much as he does when trying to have sex. You are right though, he is very selfish when it comes to his needs. I did confront him about that and he, of course put the blame back on me, saying it was my fault that I lead him to believe I didn't like oral sex or him taking care of me even though he couldn't finish himself. I only said that I like to be clean when we do have oral sex and not that I didn't like it. When I tried talking to him about it, he said he will have to change and talk to his doctor next month. Then he just goes about his business like nothing is wrong, when I'm so upset I can barely see straight. I felt like he just fluffed it off and clamed up so he didn't have to deal with the issue. I don't know if its a defense move so he doesn't have to think about what happens if it doesn't get better or if he just doesn't care. Do you think it could be that he's not attracted to me in the bedroom?


----------



## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

These dating sites, do you know for sure he is looking at women?


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

He was looking a woman's profiles which I found in the history and his profile was still on the dating site. He claimed he didn't know it was still on there but I know that was a lie. So I watched him delete his profile and he begged and pleaded with me not to leave and swore there was nothing going on. I couldn't find any hard evidence such as conversations or text messages to prove he was talking or met any of them, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. We had just gotten married, so I thought perhaps catching him would keep him off the sites. That was 8 years ago and I have never caught him on anything since and I've never seen any texts from any other woman and nothing on Facebook, which he is on alot. He may just be better at covering his tracks since he has been caught but I really never felt he has been cheating since then. However, seeing him on the iPad late at night and the lack of sex and erection issues has me wondering if I've been naive or if the attraction has since worn off. I haven't changed much since we met and I've gained less than 10 lbs so I'm not obese and I take very good care of myself. I know that doesn't matter when the attraction is gone it's gone, but I am doing everything possible to try to create that spark again however, I think I have come to realize that I can not fix this. I still feel horrible about myself though, like I failed. Maybe I need to go see someone to help boost my self esteem.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sunshine69 said:


> Maybe I need to go see someone to help boost my self esteem.


I recommend you do it not to just boost your self esteem but to seek a replacement for this cyber addicted dweeb who need something more than a woman to get his juices flowing. It ain't gonna change with him and probably get worse. Of course if you do see someone, you'll be judged a cheating harlot who betrayed her sick, victimized husband; if you really give a shid.  While he's looking at pictures and spanking his monkey, you can be sampling the real thing with someone who thinks youre the cats pajamas.


----------



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

Thanks Phoenix. If he doesn't get help, it will get much worse but I will be out the door. The temptation of cheating is so great just because I need to feel desired and attractive again. I want someone to want to be with me and want the intimacy as much as I do. I will wait and see if he speaks with his doctor and what the outcome of that is. If he doesn't change or get on some meds, then I'm going to suggest sex therapy or marriage counseling before giving up. I am truly in love with him and will do whatever I can to save the marriage, but if he isn't being honest with me, then I have to make some life altering decisions. I am so glad that this forum exists because I feel so alone at times and it's so nice to have somone to help put things into perspective and offer advice. Thank you!


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I am truly in love with him and will do whatever I can to save the marriage, but if he isn't being honest with me, then I have to make some life altering decisions. I am so glad that this forum exists because I feel so alone at times and it's so nice to have somone to help put things into perspective and offer advice. Thank you!" Sunshine69

How old is your husband? Was he always like this? Could very well be that his sporadic Ed issues is causing him shame and is is avoiding sex for that reason. It's a vicious cycle.

ED > shame
Shame > sex avoidance
Sex avoidance > masturbating to porn or other source than wife.
Sex avoidance > wife bewildered frustrated
Wife frustrated, bewildered > more husband shame

The cycle repeats and reinforces itself.

How to break the cycle?

He's got to break down, swallow his ego, get to the dr., and get help with the ED. Once he feels like a whole man again, he will approach you much more willingly.

Not enough information, but I'm guessing so far that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

My partner is also experiencing ED, has diabetes, blood sugars are pretty good but he is using Viagra. It works some of the time, and he is great about being open to trying, even when he sometimes fails to get an erection. He is always willing to be sure i have an orgasm before he rolls over and goes to sleep. The thing that concerns me is that I initiate sex about 95% of the time! I guess it is uncomfortable for him to initiate and then not be able to perform, but it is hard not to feel like sex is important when he doesn't look for it. Any ideas about how to get more action?


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I wish people would use paragraphs! Reading a great big chunk of text can be 'uncomfortable'....especially for we older folk with reading glasses!!

I am also diabetic. Fortunately I have no problems with erections etc.
However I DO have ED when it comes to sex with my wife. She has rejected me so often in the past, called me a pervert for wanting a BJ (which she has never given) etc. I no longer associate my wife with sex so on the rare occasion she does try to come on to me I just can't do it mentally or physically.
Her constant rejections and attittude towards sex has taken its toll.

Sunshine...I'm just wondering if your husband might be the same as me?
Seems he can 'rise' to internet porn etc but not you.

I'm really not blaming you atall but have you looked at yourself and how you are towards him?


----------

