# She doesnt love me, is planning on leaving but we are still living together



## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

Well my wife says she isnt IN LOVE with me but does love me, she is planning on going to her parents at the end of the month when school is over so till then we are living together. So its kinda uncomfortable I dont know how to act I am not being clingy we mostly stay in our own parts of the house when we arent together with the kids. My question is should I be a borderline ****? Not talk to her other than the kids stuff, quit doing things for her like make the bed which I am not sleeping in, making dinner for us both when she gets off work late? When we have talked its not over its just she needs space and she hasnt ruled out a chance of us getting back together so I feel I should be nice but should I not be too nice? at least maybe till she starts being more nice to me?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

She MAY be involved with someone else. Please note the word MAY

Get to your cell phone account on line now. Look for alot of texts/calls to one or two numbers you don't recognize

Don't ask her if she's cheating. Investigate quietly and gather evidence

She's already displayed 2 Red Flags of a cheater so far:

1 - I love you but not in love with you speech (ILYBNILWY)
2 - she needs "space". Translation - She doesn't want you around so she can explore this other relationship

Are there any other signs like new clothes, weight lose, cell phone is glued to her hip, phone has a password on it when it didn't before, new hairstyle and use of more make-up?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Oh, and if there are any of these other signs, get a keylogger on the PC and go out and buy some VARs and place oe under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

No did that the other day with her permission I don't think their is someone else
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I think you should continue to be civil, but you don't need to make her bed, and I think you should have dinner with the kids. No sense in pretending that all is fine, which waiting for her to eat the dinner that you make, is something a happily married man would do, not a man who's headed for divorce. If you reconcile, then you can go back to your husbandly ways.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

INEEDHELPID said:


> No did that the other day with her permission I don't think their is someone else
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With her permission. As Toffer states when something like this is in process the other party MUSt start to retract from showing their hand. By your W knowing that you were looking she may (again its only a may) have allowed to you to look and not find as the thiings that might flag up concerns were covered up. If she thinks you have a suspition of another party in mind then everything goes covert except the details that tells you nothing is unusual or to be concerned about, in effect smoke and mirrors. 

As she has stated to give you the I love you but not in love with you speech (ILYBNILWY), then HAS aready made decision in her mind to seperate feelings for you. Basically in her mind you are a friend in the house not a husband and lover. So you can continue to go along with the "married" sharing process or you could allow her to see what beign solo is. In this case maybe doing your own cooking, clearing and tidying and allow her to do hers. If children are there then of course you need to share the role, its not there fault after all. But many partners that come up with (ILYBNILWY) still see the role in the home unchanged but the feelings and the contact is on of room mates. Use the time to consider (Im afraid) taht a break may be more that a holiday aprt and that something else may just trip in. Many will tell you when one calls for their space its normally to test the outside relationships without feeling they are breaking marridge vows. Take time as suggested to build up anything that might be considered an affair of any nature and do not allow yourself to ask permission to do it. You after all have not asked for a break in marridge so you can be expected to work at gathering evidene taht will help you through some difficult times in the near future.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

INEEDHELPID said:


> No did that the other day with her permission I don't think their is someone else
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Assuming you mean that you looked at the cell phone account correct?

If so, also VAR the car. IF she is cheating, many cheaters feel comfortable talking in rtheir car.

Also, put a keylogger on the PC

Go to the CWI section here and read up. Stories like yours (where the spouse ASSUMED that Their spouse would never cheat) are a dime a dozen

Again, before anyone jumps all over me, I have said this is a POSSIBILITY and not definite.

Just so you're aware, many have discovered things like pre-paid cells, secret email accounts and alternate Facebook accounts

est to rule out this possibility first so you know what you are dealing with


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You don't have to bend yourself backwards doing anything for us.

She wants out so that is on her.

You can be cordial to her but you don't have to cook meals for her and carry on like she didn't tell you she wants out.

Start thinking practically: look into your options re: custody/divorce/separation.

Good on you for not leaving the home since she is the one wanting out.

Get busy: exercise, new hobbies, new cologne


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Oh, and if there are any of these other signs, get a keylogger on the PC and go out and buy some VARs and place oe under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro


Why all of this? The bottom line is she's told him she wants out. She may or may not be cheating but ultimately, she is done so he needs to prepare practically.


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

I hear what everyone is saying and I truly doubt she's cheating but who knows if she was why wouldn't she move to her parents like shes planning on doing at the end of the month now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

INeed, I would focus mainly on your kids and separating your life from her.

The point is she wants out and is going to move out so that is what you are facing.

Your question was how to handle being int he house w/ her in the interim: treat her as you would a colleague... cordial but not over the top. Know you boundaries. Don't sleep with her, don't fawn all over her, don't, for the love of God beg for her or grovel asking her why why why and falling at her knees (it will make you look pathetic/desperate). So treat her politely but don't go out of your way to help/assist her. This was her choice so follow suit. 

You should really get a good support system (friends/family) and get some sunlight/exercise and be a good example for your kids. 

I don't think the wild goose chase is worth it, personally.


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

Well I have focused on me and at times seems like she is either wanting to control me or something she gets upset when I ignore her or when I went out last Friday she texts me the whole time even thought I was with a girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

INEEDHELPID said:


> Well I have focused on me and at times seems like she is either wanting to control me or something she gets upset when I ignore her or when I went out last Friday she texts me the whole time even thought I was with a girl.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she pulls that on you then tell her immediately that she's the one that has checked out of this relationship. Tell her to at least grant you the dignity of learning to get on with your life without her.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

IsGirl3 said:


> I think you should continue to be civil, but you don't need to make her bed, and I think you should have dinner with the kids. No sense in pretending that all is fine, which waiting for her to eat the dinner that you make, is something a happily married man would do, not a man who's headed for divorce. If you reconcile, then you can go back to your husbandly ways.


Great advice! Civility and not turning it into drama.


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

I try she keeps wanting to pick fights like now from.something that happened 2 years ago
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to learn to detach. When she starts with this stuff, tell her you aren't participating and walk away.


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

I'm so glad I found this forum
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Why all of this? The bottom line is she's told him she wants out. She may or may not be cheating but ultimately, she is done so he needs to prepare practically.


JB, Based on his first post he sounded like he had hopes of working this out. My thoughts were that he should know exactly what he may be dealing with in case she goes out there and then comes back to him.

I know that I would want to know especially if the spouse came back after a while and tried to put things back together but that's just me


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## punchlove (May 16, 2013)

INEEDHELPID said:


> Well my wife says she isnt IN LOVE with me but does love me, she is planning on going to her parents at the end of the month when school is over so till then we are living together. So its kinda uncomfortable I dont know how to act I am not being clingy we mostly stay in our own parts of the house when we arent together with the kids. My question is should I be a borderline ****? Not talk to her other than the kids stuff, quit doing things for her like make the bed which I am not sleeping in, making dinner for us both when she gets off work late? When we have talked its not over its just she needs space and she hasnt ruled out a chance of us getting back together so I feel I should be nice but should I not be too nice? at least maybe till she starts being more nice to
> 
> I was in this same situation. My wife told me the same thing that she loves me but is not in love with me. We lived together for a few months before she decided to leave. When she left a few weeks later I found out she was already with someone else and it broke my heart. I was crushed. She told me that she was happy and for me to find my own happiness. It was like a knife to my heart. I forced myself to move on and I did find someone. My wife tried to come back time after time. Keep in mind in less than 2 months the of being gone. I still loved my wife and didn't care what happen she was the one who has the key to my heart. Today we are no longer seeing anyone and taking things day by day. Yes I have my concerns when she is on her phone. She assures me that she is not seeing anyone. I'm trying my best to win her heart. She doesn't believe that it is completely over but is afraid of committing and not falling in love with me again.
> 
> ...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm not really sure dating while you are still married (if that's what you meant by you were "out with a girl") is really the best example to show the kids.


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## punchlove (May 16, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm not really sure dating while you are still married (if that's what you meant by you were "out with a girl") is really the best example to show the kids.


This is so true. It might confuse your kids. If you do decide to date keep them away from your kids until your ready to really move forward.


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