# "Indifference" and Telling people..



## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Two questions for some with experience...

1. What or how do you get to the point where your indifferent about your sbx?

2. How do you respond when friends/family ask how your sbx is because they are not aware of situation. I was at a family function and everyone asked how sbx is doing. I didn't feel like dealing with the questions so I just said "He is well". Any tips?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The first round of family/friend functions felt like an ordeal to me. In my case the rumor mill was already running rampant with stories. At first I did try to give the “politically correct” answers as to the situation and that usually just led to more questions. I quickly just started to be blunt, honest and I stuck with the facts of my situation, kept my opinion and feelings to a minimum and left it at that. 

Maybe it was the shock value or whatever but it did seem to make the awkwardness of the moment go away and generally they quickly wanted to talk about something else


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I would love to know a tactful way to tell people. Everyone who asks me about my stbx gets tactless blunt honesty "he and his gf seem quite happy, so we separated." Seems to make people pretty uncomfortable... but that is just what comes out without a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

For me, I just tell people who don't know that "X and I aren't together any longer." That's it. Some people say they're sorry. Others don't care or say "oh."

For indifference, I think this depends on the situation. It took me a long time and a lot of introspection/growing/therapy/rebuilding to get where I am now. I honestly do not care about my X. I want her to be a good mother to my daughter, but beyond that, I do not care. I don't wish her bad, I don't wish her good. She is simply a litigant in my divorce from her. 

HL


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> I would love to know a tactful way to tell people. Everyone who asks me about my stbx gets tactless blunt honesty "he and his gf seem quite happy, so we separated." Seems to make people pretty uncomfortable... but that is just what comes out without a thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is pretty much what I do too. Actually, what I say is "He went native and decided he liked lots of Russian girlfriends" The conversation either moves on really fast with a gasp or results in a heartfelt "I am so sorry, what an *******".


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

I guess telling people gets easier with practice. I ran in to a few people this week who asked about SbX. My response was "we are separated". Some looked at their toes. Others said "i'm sorry".


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

I am honest when asked. Although I find my h avoids it like the plague. He avoided Easter dinner today with his family because he did not swing to explain what was going on to them . He has no problem telling his friends and bad mouthing me but he's voids telling his family. Go figure.


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## WestMonroe91 (Feb 28, 2014)

I just say "We are divorcing because I do not like her married BF."


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

I still have much to learn about indifference. I invited the SBXH for lunch yesterday. Kids have mentioned that I am beginning to put them in the middle of this saga. I wanted to show myself that I can be indifferent and show the kids that we can all be in the same room at the same time. Lunch was ok. He spent 1/2 the meal on his cell phone. After lunch, he apparently went to meet his flame. He came back to house to bring pizza for D17. Another story.. She goes to him when she can't get something from me. 

SBXH drops off pizza and is late and begins to tell story about he didn't realize how late it was because he was sitting outside all day..blah blah. SBXH does not like outdoors. I realize he is telling a "story" and finally comes out he was with his flame...which he still claims is "just a friend he met on Craig's list". I become angry and hurt. That's how indifference worked for me yesterday.... I don't want to care what he does/doing. Today is a new day. I guess I can try again with this whole not caring.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

myfutureisgone said:


> I would love to know a tactful way to tell people. Everyone who asks me about my stbx gets tactless blunt honesty "he and his gf seem quite happy, so we separated." Seems to make people pretty uncomfortable... but that is just what comes out without a thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes blunt honesty is the way to go. It answers their question and stops further questions!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Heidi2005 said:


> I still have much to learn about indifference. I invited the SBXH for lunch yesterday. Kids have mentioned that I am beginning to put them in the middle of this saga. I wanted to show myself that I can be indifferent and show the kids that we can all be in the same room at the same time. Lunch was ok. He spent 1/2 the meal on his cell phone. After lunch, he apparently went to meet his flame. He came back to house to bring pizza for D17. Another story.. She goes to him when she can't get something from me.
> 
> SBXH drops off pizza and is late and begins to tell story about he didn't realize how late it was because he was sitting outside all day..blah blah. SBXH does not like outdoors. I realize he is telling a "story" and finally comes out he was with his flame...which he still claims is "just a friend he met on Craig's list". I become angry and hurt. That's how indifference worked for me yesterday.... I don't want to care what he does/doing. Today is a new day. I guess I can try again with this whole not caring.


If your kids feel like they are in the middle, then doing things like this is probably a bad idea. I cant imagine they were very comfortable with this. I understand where your intentions were though.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

My H and I have been talking about how we will handle some of this. Granted, our situation is a little different, but he wants to focus on the fact that why we are divorcing is a personal matter. Neither of us has anything to be ashamed about, it's just between us. Especially when it comes to when we tell the kids. They don't need to be bogged down with anything. It's bad enough that we are divorcing. 

My H and I both recognize that our life together is not over with our divorce, and we want future major life events to be enjoyable for the people we love-and for us, too. Making things bad now will make that part harder later.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Heidi2005 said:


> Another story.. She goes to him when she can't get something from me.


 This caught my eye. No matter what the problem you have with your STBXH, you two better sit down in private and come up with an agreement that you two have the same rules when it comes to saying yes or no to what the kids want.

I went through that in my first marriage when we didn't keep the same rules and the kid ran rough shod over me and it's all because of the same thing. Can't get what they want from one parent, they go to the other. 

In the process all it does is make one parent feel they have a leg up on the other but turns the kid rotten.

DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! You and your husband are adults and this need to be addressed now. If not be prepared to have a manipulative kid that will learn a trick that can hard to reverse.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

6301 said:


> This caught my eye. No matter what the problem you have with your STBXH, you two better sit down in private and come up with an agreement that you two have the same rules when it comes to saying yes or no to what the kids want.
> 
> I went through that in my first marriage when we didn't keep the same rules and the kid ran rough shod over me and it's all because of the same thing. Can't get what they want from one parent, they go to the other.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your insight. I KNOW this manipulation is a problem. SBX is deploying in early summer. I am hoping that will all come to an end while he is gone. D17 will no longer have the option to run from one to the other. I do realize it needs to be dealt with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heidi2005 said:


> 1. What or how do you get to the point where your indifferent about your sbx?


Time



Heidi2005 said:


> 2. How do you respond when friends/family ask how your sbx is because they are not aware of situation. I was at a family function and everyone asked how sbx is doing. I didn't feel like dealing with the questions so I just said "He is well". Any tips?


I say he is doing great.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

When I went through my divorce I sent a mailing to my family (xmas card list) along with emails to the same. Calls to a limited few people as well. The letter/email was simple.



> Hello,
> 
> STBX and I are splitting. Many have probably seen this on the horizon and are not going to be surprised. I won't discuss the details. You may make your own decisions about how you wish interact with STBX moving forward. I do not care in any way. I don't want anyone to feel as though there is any need to chose sides, etc. I only ask that nobody bad mouths anyone; particularly in front of our daughter. I'll be remaining at the house. I also ask that nobody contacts STBX for anything that could be construed as harassment, etc, as it could be harmful to my cases before the court.


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