# Husband's Friendship with Younger Female



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Have you discussed marriage counseling? 

Do y'all have date nights? A good sex life?


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

I have female friends and they're either older, not very attractive, heavy, or super hot and obviously way out of my league, none that would represent a threat to my wife. For men that's the only thing that's acceptable, for women any guy friend needs to be ugly, any guy she would remotely be attracted to will try to bang her.

One of my female friends hikes with me, she's 27 (I'm 40), we both just love hiking and neither one can find anyone else willing to crush themselves on a 13 mile hike through the mountains. My wife wasn't thrilled but I'm totally open with everything, once she saw her picture on Facebook she laughed and was like "ok be friends, she's way out of your league, you have no chance".


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I have female friends and they're either older, not very attractive, heavy, or super hot and obviously way out of my league, none that would represent a threat to my wife. For men that's the only thing that's acceptable, for women any guy friend needs to be ugly, any guy she would remotely be attracted to will try to bang her.
> 
> One of my female friends hikes with me, she's 27 (I'm 40), we both just love hiking and neither one can find anyone else willing to crush themselves on a 13 mile hike through the mountains. My wife wasn't thrilled but I'm totally open with everything, once she saw her picture on Facebook she laughed and was like "ok be friends, she's way out of your league, you have no chance".


Your wife's first mistake.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

KT,

You are slowly being displaced.
Soon to be replaced.

That younger fire starter is going to steal your man..
......................................................................

Your only hope:

Your only hope is that 'she is using him' to get a fire fighters job.
Once she accomplishes this dream, she will friend-zone him. Replace him with a younger man.
This is a big if, methinks.

.......................................................................

Oh, your husband is grooming her. Taking his time.
Taking his time, getting in her fire engine red, hot pants.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> KT,
> 
> You are slowly being displaced.
> Soon to be replaced.
> ...


I think Suncmars has this pretty well covered.
Good luck. Sorry your husband wants a hot, new model to test drive.....


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Your husband's claim that his friendship with this Other Woman is within acceptable boundaries is just his own wishful thinking. It certainly is not within any acceptable boundaries I have read about.

Sure, some weird "Let's all jump into bed together" boundaries, I guess. 

But real boundaries that actually work long term, proven out by real people in real relationships, no.

He is just making up his own rules to suit what he wants, and hoping you won't argue with him.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

If it is bothering you and affecting your marriage its a big deal, and you both need to sit up and pay attention. NOW.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ktheuerkauf said:


> A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?


Your husband went with her to support her while she took her physical exam? What did he do while she was being tested? Was he allowed watch? I'm confused. I've never taken an exam where I was allowed to have an observer or supporter there. Something's not right.

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy doing together (quality time)?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Very sorry about your daughter.

Your marriage is hurting and it is understandable that you have been depressed and probably taking some of it out on him.

Has he been stoic or has he been taking some of his pain out on you as well?

He is definitely in the red zone for infidelity.

Counseling and loving supportive communication between you two are desperately needed.

The death of a child is a game changer and when your husband needed support from you, you were taking it out on him?

I'm not sure about the whole scenario without more information but losing a child combined with the distance from your spouse makes one easy Pickens for seduction.

Hoping the best for you.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband went with her to support her while she took her physical exam? What did he do while she was being tested? Was he allowed watch? I'm confused. I've never taken an exam where I was allowed to have an observer or supporter there. Something's not right.
> 
> How many hours a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy doing together (quality time)?


It's not a physical exam like your thinking..well at least not most of it...more like performance testing. 

That being said..there is certainly cause for concern here. The death of a child has claimed many a relationship.

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, the physical exam is very hard.

Dragging hoses. Hooking them up.
Climbing ladders in full gear.
Running your ass off.

Sometimes going into smoke filled rooms in full gear.
Putting out fires with a high pressure hose.
Carrying out bodies.

All done while being timed.

That sort of test. 
They vary by state.

You have to be in top physical shape to pass.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, the physical exam is very hard.
> 
> Dragging hoses. Hooking them up.
> Climbing ladders in full gear.
> ...


The problem is rarely solved on the level of the problem.

It's not the girl that's the problem or your husbands relationship with her.

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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Your wife's first mistake.


You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.

It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ktheuerkauf said:


> A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. * He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me.* I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?


That bolded bit is where it's crossed from being an actual friendship into being a threat to your marriage. 

Do you know what they call it when two people of the opposite sex who are obviously attracted to one another chat flirtatiously and then go out together to share a meal, a few drinks, and conversation about their personal lives? They call it a date. 

Your husband is dating his "friend". The fact that he's been talking negatively about you to her is even worse. She is a sexually desirable (Or he wouldn't have been flirting, now would he?) woman your husband is spending time with, bad mouthing you to, and hiding the details of his relationship with. That's not okay. And he knows it's not okay, or he wouldn't be hiding it from his wife. She's not a friend to your marriage. He's already crossed the line into emotional affair, and if he's not already physically cheating with her, he soon will be.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.
> 
> It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.


13yrs from Starting out to Over. Who knew!?

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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

GatorXP said it best ?It's not the girl that's the problem or your husbands relationship with her.?

In the position I am in I get approached by a lot of younger women. I am 40, I know better than to think a woman in her 20s is really interested in me for anything more than what she could get out of me. In the past it was an ego boost, I admit. I?d make small talk with the women, they would flirt and I never gave into temptation, thank God, but I was definitely tempted to. I?ve matured a lot and now do not allow women to get close enough to tempt me, and I will verbally call out a woman who crosses a line.

The difference now is that my wife is much more attentive. Back then, after having our youngest, it took a few years for her to get her body back to where she felt sexy again. In that time sex decreased and her attitude was all mommy mode and I became detached due to the lower frequency of sex. It happens, less sex and intimacy will result in a detached husband. If the husband is detached he will be tempted. It?s no different than the wife whose husband doesn?t give her attention or compliments and she starts getting compliments from another man and enjoys it, it is an ego boost and it is tempting.

As a man my advice OP is to work on your marriage, date your husband. If he is happy at home he will not give in to temptation outside. If he is just a mentor to this younger woman because of work, then let it be. But if he crosses a boundary get angry and call him out on it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

GatorXP said:


> The problem is rarely solved on the level of the problem.
> 
> It's not the girl that's the problem or your husbands relationship with her.


Oh for **** sure it is.
Respect. Totally lacking.

Waaaa- I need my friends who are young and hot.

Gross.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Oh for **** sure it is.
> Respect. Totally lacking.
> 
> Waaaa- I need my friends who are young and hot.
> ...


Oh I like this.
SC your struggling here today.

Always outward.. never inward right?
^^^^^
Sarcasm 

The point is, as Jay iluded to, if they were in a co-comitted partnership, the H would think he was cursed if he was forced to have an EA with someone and put his relationship in jeapordy.

But they are not and you have to see the problem not the symptoms if you want to fix anything.

No one said the husband didn't have fault. If we could get our grubby mitts on him we would punch him in the face and yell WAKE UP. But we don't have H here we Have W, and she needs the same.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.
> 
> It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.


I have the same issues, only worse.

How many 70 year old men can run ten miles, bike 30? Swim for an hour.?
And how many peers will join you?
Even go fishing or golfing with you?

Oh, I am no longer fast, just enduring...
Not endearing to my male pals. I make them look bad. Not intentionally.

It gets worse with age.
My best bet are old army buddies, and younger ones!


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> I have the same issues, only worse.
> 
> How many 70 year old men can run ten miles, bike 30? Swim for an hour.?
> And how many peers will join you?
> ...


I already basically do everything alone because men my age are married, out of shape, helicopter parent their kids, they do nothing for themselves. They're literally like the walking dead I don't know how they do it. That's the only reason why I do hike with her, I'm happy for the company and friendship.

I do a lot with my son, but he's getting older and not as interested. It's very difficult to find people with active lifestyles as you get older, too many distractions and life is so busy for everyone.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Now, here's the 'around' worker.

My younger brother was like this...loved to go hiking, camping, etc.
And finding no willing companions...

He got a young beauty like yours. 
That, yes,  she could run him into the ground and did...with nary a puff, nary a heavy breath.
Then he got another female, a little stouter, a little slower. She clung to him like glue.
Kissing his face, unabashedly. That naughty she.

My brother got two female dogs, a German Shepherd and a Rottweiler.
The Shepherd would run to the top of mountains come back and do it again.

The Rottweiler and my brother just trudged...up.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

A German Shepherd and a Rottweiler...too funny!

Reading this thread gives me so much hope! If you guys exist, there must be other men out there who are single and who are just as active.

I am a 52 year old woman about to hit the dating market (married 28 years, divorced for 2.5 years) and one of the things I seek in a man is his desire to be and stay active. 

I love getting a brutal workout in at the gym 5-6 days a week (mostly free weights-barbell and dumbbell strength training, some machines), sweating, getting that endorphin fix for the day, etc. and I also love doing anything outside-biking, hiking, walking, etc. I enjoy raking leaves (great upper body and core workout), push mowing my yard, water skiing, snow skiing, roller skating, (not much experience ice skating)-anything physical and outside that gets my heart racing.

Like you, I notice that not many men (or women, either) age 50 and above, enjoy being active. In fact, the ones I observe are couch potatoes with a super sedentary lifestyle.

I want to be and see my self being one of those 100 plus year old women doing bicep curls with soup cans! You know, just to keep the blood flowing good!:smile2:


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Oh no. It's happening...again. A husband is hanging out with a younger woman pretending that it is not what it looks like.

Don't let yourself get gaslighted. Trust yourself. Trust your common sense over his explanations and excuses.

If you saw this happening in a friend's marriage, what would you tell her? Listen to your own advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, I am shocked by most of the replies on this thread. The OP comes here and shares that her husband is having an emotional affair. 

Most of the posts on this thread are members talking between each other and completely ignoring the OP. Then there are the ones blaming her for her husbands EA (If it's only a EA, we all know it might very well be a PA).

There are a few posts actually addressing the OP and her issue. And I thank those who gave her some good support. 

Now contrast the replies that the OP got on this thread with those given to a man whose wife had an EA. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/400506-heartbroken-after-16-years.html

The difference is very telling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ktheuerkauf said:


> A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?


I am sorry that you have gotten so many useless replies on this thread. I'm hoping that you have not been run off of TAM.

What you need to know is that while both you and your husband share the state of your marriage, your husband is 100% responsible for his affair. Yes he is having an emotional affair at the very least. It might be a physical affair. 

All this nonsense on this thread that it's ok for men in their 40's to hang out with younger women is nonsense. The dynamic of a younger woman with an older man is a pretty common affair dynamic. 

To top it off, your husband had admitted to looking for women online and sending them naked pictures of himself and his junk. He's been out looking to cheat.

You have a serious problem and need to address it on a very serious level.

Take a look at this thread in which a man's wife had an EA. Look at the advice the posters are giving the man.. the man who admits to neglecting his wife. Read the thread and absorb the message. His wife is 100% responsible for her EA just as your husband is. Look at the advice given to the guy.... divorce her.... that's the only advice. No one is telling him that he needs to be nicer to her. No one is telling him that she needs to get into counseling and show his wife more love. Nope, they are telling him that she cheated (EA) and thus he needs to dump her because she's trash now. NO one asked him how often he dates his wife. No one asked him how their sex life is (implying that he's ignoring her sexually.)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...s-friendship-younger-female.html#post18639634

Take that advice and let it sink in. That's the advice that you need. Your husband is cheating. You need to think about how seriously he is disrespecting you and mistreating you. He thinks you are so stupid that you are going to put up with him having an EA (and perhaps PA) right under your nose. He thinks that he's going to make up some nonsense story about him just sending out photos of his junk to women to see if anyone finds him attractive. 

You need to get angry at your husband. You need to let it since in that your husband is cheating on you and making a fool out of you. 

And then you need to act on it based on that reality.

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave the guy in the other thread..... 

There are 3 books that I think will help you here. They are quick reads. Read them in the order listed. They are all by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving an Affair"
"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"

Your husband is having at least an emotional affair and you need to respond to this as a crisis. 

The books will give you a plan of action. Do what they say to do. Do the work they say to do. Hopefully you will be able to get your wife to read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" with you (after you read it first yourself and learn how to talk to her about this stuff) and hopefully she will do the work with you.

The "Surviving an Affair" book talks about plan A and Plan B. You have already done what Plan A says to do. So when you read the book pay a lot of attention to what you need to do about exposing his affair and then going to Plan B. Until he agrees to go no contact with his affair partner and agrees to do what is needed to recover your marriage, you need to stay in Plan B. (See the link in my signature block below for the 180, it's basically Plan B). You need to interact towards him per Plan B/180 until he ends his affair or until you are ready to file for divorce. Whichever comes first.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> You would think, but as you get older, especially for men, friendships are tough to come by, I'll take what I can get. I love the outdoors, the few friends I have close by are basically couch potatoes who eat and drink too much, and sitting around for 10 hours drinking beer and watching college football isn't how I like to spend a beautiful late fall day.
> 
> *It's strictly platonic, she's young, very pretty, engaged, and just starting her life. I'm old, married, with 3 kids. I admit it's an odd friendship and goes against my own advice for opposite sex friendships, but that's all it is.*


i'm not getting it. If she's so all that why can't she make some friends who hike so that you two don't have to be one on one. You or she could start a meetup group and see if you attract other hiking lovers in the area.

Pretty soon, she'll be telling you how all the good ones are taken ...... like you .......


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

@EleGirl - I didn't think my posts were thread jacks since I was giving perspective of a husband who has a younger female friend. It's possible he just likes her as a friend. If he's like me, I'm an introvert and as men get older friendships are much tougher to start, we seem to isolate ourselves into our work and families more than women and before you know it all your friends have moved away and you don't know anyone. I go from work to home, work to home, gets tough to meet new people, I'm basically the most senior person in my department so I'm not socializing with my employees. And all topics go like this, some of these topics are 1000+ posts and 950 of them basically off topic.
@NextTimeAround - She has the same issue, she's younger but just doesn't know anyone that likes outdoors stuff, she says all her friends are into shopping, going out to clubs, things like that and have no interest in hiking, camping (I obviously don't camp with her, day trips only). She tried with her fiance but he just doesn't like it and complains the entire time. Not everyone can simply make friends with very similar interests, especially as you get older, so I'm happy to have a friend like her.

I did just join meetup and a hiking club that arranges trips which looks promising, but most are not going to fit my schedule (these people have no jobs I guess?).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ktheuerkauf said:


> A few months ago, I discovered that my husband's friendship with a younger female (he's 42, I'm 42, I'm 42) had gone too far in my mind. He was texting her somewhat flirtatiously, meeting at the gym, going out for beers and talking negatively about me without telling me. I suspected something was going on and confronted him about it. He said that it was just a friendship, similar to those with his guy friends from the fire department. I got very upset and asked that he not communicate with her. I admit that I was not very supportive of him for the past year. I've been depressed and withdrawn. Our daughter passed away four years ago and I'm doing my best to live life. I think I'm doing the best I can. Fast forward to now...his young lady friend asked him for help training for a firefighting physical exam. My husband told me he was doing this and the texts seemed innocent because he showed me his phone. She asked him to go with her to take her exam yesterday and he went to support her. I'm not sure how to feel about any of this. He assures me it's nothing but a friendship and firefighters support each other. But when I think about it I get very angry and upset. I tried to talk to him about it but he gets frustrated and says I should trust him with his friendships. I'm a very sensitive person and do struggle with self-esteem but the whole situation makes me a little sick. I work with males but I honestly would never think of texting them or hanging out with them outside of a big group. In fact, I wouldn't even go that far. Am I being overly sensitive or is my gut telling me something? Any ideas?


So I missed your post and I am sorry I didn't comment sooner. You have every right to be upset about this. This is entirely inappropriate. You are entitled to have boundaries. Sounds like your husband is the knight in shining armor type. At the very least marriage counseling. I'm sorry for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> @EleGirl - I didn't think my posts were thread jacks since I was giving perspective of a husband who has a younger female friend. It's possible he just likes her as a friend. If he's like me, I'm an introvert and as men get older friendships are much tougher to start, we seem to isolate ourselves into our work and families more than women and before you know it all your friends have moved away and you don't know anyone. I go from work to home, work to home, gets tough to meet new people, I'm basically the most senior person in my department so I'm not socializing with my employees. And all topics go like this, some of these topics are 1000+ posts and 950 of them basically off topic.
> 
> @NextTimeAround - She has the same issue, she's younger but just doesn't know anyone that likes outdoors stuff, she says all her friends are into shopping, going out to clubs, things like that and have no interest in hiking, camping (I obviously don't camp with her, day trips only). She tried with her fiance but he just doesn't like it and complains the entire time. Not everyone can simply make friends with very similar interests, especially as you get older, so I'm happy to have a friend like her.
> 
> I did just join meetup and a hiking club that arranges trips which looks promising, but most are not going to fit my schedule (these people have no jobs I guess?).


If your wife has a problem with it? Personally I would not be cool with my wife having a hiking buddy especially if they were going on over night trips. Nah not cool in my book.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Hi,

Sorry for the loss of your daughter. 

I am going to echo the posts that I have read. Your husband is walking a line (hopefully he has not crossed) and is making weak excuses for spending time with this woman. Support for the test could have been a good luck text and a how-did-it-go text afterward. Going with her was simply an excuse to spend time with her - an excuse he is assuming you will accept. She is a grown woman who is strong enough to be a firefighter. She does not need her daddy going with her. It's complete bs.

Sorry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> All this nonsense on this thread that it's ok for men in their 40's to hang out with younger women is nonsense. The dynamic of a younger woman with an older man is a pretty common affair dynamic.
> 
> *To top it off, your husband had admitted to looking for women online and sending them naked pictures of himself and his junk. He's been out looking to cheat.*


 @EleGirl, this was an excellent post and OP would be wise to listen to what you put out here. But I wanted to address this bolded part... was this in another thread of OP's? Because I did not see this mentioned here.

EDIT: Never mind, I found it. OP wont be back on this thread, she starts threads and never returns to interact on them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> @EleGirl - I didn't think my posts were thread jacks since I was giving perspective of a husband who has a younger female friend. It's possible he just likes her as a friend. If he's like me, I'm an introvert and as men get older friendships are much tougher to start, we seem to isolate ourselves into our work and families more than women and before you know it all your friends have moved away and you don't know anyone. I go from work to home, work to home, gets tough to meet new people, I'm basically the most senior person in my department so I'm not socializing with my employees. And all topics go like this, some of these topics are 1000+ posts and 950 of them basically off topic.


Do you only hike with this younger woman or are you like the OP's husband and go out on dates too? The OP's husband has dates with the younger woman for drinks. They have meet at the gym to work out together. Her husband discusses his marriage and speaks negatively about his wife to the younger woman. 

Do you do those things with your younger female hiking partner?

There are few men here on TAM who would be ok with their wife doing the same thing that the OP’s husband is doing. There are few men who would be OK with their wife have a male hiking, or activities partner, of any age.

#3 – You tell the OP that you have a female hiking partner who is 13 years younger than you are. The purpose was to tell the OP that it’s ok for her husband to cheat.

#14 – you are talking to SunCMars justifying your relationship with another woman who is not your wife. This was not a response to the OP. It was to talk about yourself.

#22 – Again this was a response to SunCMars justifying your relationship with the younger women because apparently you are the only physically active man your age.

So your first post was to tell the OP that her husband cheating is ok because you are doing the same thing her husband is doing (not sure that you are because you have not yet shared about whether or not you are meeting her for drinks, discussing your marriage with her and bad mouthing your wife to her. 
Your 2nd & 3rd post are all about you with no input to the OP. It’s called a thread jack.



marriageontherocks2 said:


> @NextTimeAround - She has the same issue, she's younger but just doesn't know anyone that likes outdoors stuff, she says all her friends are into shopping, going out to clubs, things like that and have no interest in hiking, camping (I obviously don't camp with her, day trips only). She tried with her fiance but he just doesn't like it and complains the entire time. Not everyone can simply make friends with very similar interests, especially as you get older, so I'm happy to have a friend like her.
> 
> I did just join meetup and a hiking club that arranges trips which looks promising, but most are not going to fit my schedule (these people have no jobs I guess?).


So, create your own hiking meetup and get something started that meets your own schedule.

I don’t believe for a minute that neither you nor she can find other people in your area who are physically active and enjoy hiking.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

A man and a woman can never be just friends.

I do not believe in male female friendships 
Not anymore


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> #3 – You tell the OP that you have a female hiking partner who is 13 years younger than you are. The purpose was to tell the OP that it’s ok for her husband to cheat.
> 
> I don’t believe for a minute that neither you nor she can find other people in your area who are physically active and enjoy hiking.


I don't condone cheating and wouldn't tell a woman that it's OK for her husband to cheat. I guess my point was where there's smoke there isn't always fire. Maybe he's a little like me, and it's not always easy to make friends as a middle aged man and the relationship is completely platonic? Friends will talk about their marriages and stuff, it happens.

I would think she needs more to go on before she looks to divorce or escalate, there isn't enough to say he's having an affair at all.

Short of putting up an ad in the paper I don't know anyone, none of my friends are remotely interested in doing what I just did, which was an 18.8 mile hike across 3 mountains, with over 8000 feet of total elevation and a 50 lb pack on my back. I slept 4000 feet up and it was about 17 degrees out with 40 MPH winds. Not many people are into doing stuff like that, or setting out and bushwhacking to a mountain top using a compass, snow shoes, and no trail in the dead of winter in the Northeast. She is. It's right up her ally, she also mountain bikes, runs,and does yoga. I can't find anyone else interested in this stuff, we're not nature walking for 20 minutes. I used to do it with my son but he's more interested in working, friends, and girls.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I don't condone cheating and wouldn't tell a woman that it's OK for her husband to cheat. I guess my point was where there's smoke there isn't always fire. Maybe he's a little like me, and it's not always easy to make friends as a middle aged man and the relationship is completely platonic? *Friends will talk about their marriages and stuff, it happens.*
> 
> I would think she needs more to go on before she looks to divorce or escalate, there isn't enough to say he's having an affair at all.
> 
> Short of putting up an ad in the paper I don't know anyone, none of my friends are remotely interested in doing what I just did, which was an 18.8 mile hike across 3 mountains, with over 8000 feet of total elevation and a 50 lb pack on my back. I slept 4000 feet up and it was about 17 degrees out with 40 MPH winds. Not many people are into doing stuff like that, or setting out and bushwhacking to a mountain top using a compass, snow shoes, and no trail in the dead of winter in the Northeast. She is. It's right up her ally, she also mountain bikes, runs,and does yoga. I can't find anyone else interested in this stuff, we're not nature walking for 20 minutes. I used to do it with my son but he's more interested in working, friends, and girls.


We have a golden rule here, no talking about relationship issues with OS friends unless it is family, sister, brother. I don't have an issue with OS friends but for it to be truly platonic then it needs to be on a level that does not betray the spouses confidence. He can ***** and moan about me all he wants to his sister or male friends but to a female co worker would be a betrayal of trust. I ***** and moan about him to my best friend or dad, that is a very firm line not to be crossed.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

To me, that we are just friends is a red flag. I think most of us that have been the BS probably heard that line at some point, I know I did!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

jinkazama said:


> A man and a woman can never be just friends.
> 
> I do not believe in male female friendships
> Not anymore


I agree with that, I think it is disrespectful for a spouse to be out having one on one lunches/dinners/outings with a opposite sex friend. I realize some people will think that is ridiculous, but I have had opposite sex work acquaintainces suggest an innocent coffee/lunch one on one and honestly have never done it, to me it would feel weird, I am not comfortable with it and would I want my spouse going out alone with a female coworker for lunch, no thanks!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I don't condone cheating and wouldn't tell a woman that it's OK for her husband to cheat. I guess my point was where there's smoke there isn't always fire. Maybe he's a little like me, and it's not always easy to make friends as a middle aged man and the relationship is completely platonic? Friends will talk about their marriages and stuff, it happens.
> 
> I would think she needs more to go on before she looks to divorce or escalate, there isn't enough to say he's having an affair at all.
> 
> Short of putting up an ad in the paper I don't know anyone, none of my friends are remotely interested in doing what I just did, which was an 18.8 mile hike across 3 mountains, with over 8000 feet of total elevation and a 50 lb pack on my back. I slept 4000 feet up and it was about 17 degrees out with 40 MPH winds. Not many people are into doing stuff like that, or setting out and bushwhacking to a mountain top using a compass, snow shoes, and no trail in the dead of winter in the Northeast. She is. It's right up her ally, she also mountain bikes, runs,and does yoga. I can't find anyone else interested in this stuff, we're not nature walking for 20 minutes. I used to do it with my son but he's more interested in working, friends, and girls.



That seems like a very dangerous sport. Surely, you must communicate with some association for advice and support. Don't they try organise groups?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> I don't condone cheating and wouldn't tell a woman that it's OK for her husband to cheat. I guess my point was where there's smoke there isn't always fire. Maybe he's a little like me, and it's not always easy to make friends as a middle aged man and the relationship is completely platonic? Friends will talk about their marriages and stuff, it happens.
> 
> I would think she needs more to go on before she looks to divorce or escalate, there isn't enough to say he's having an affair at all.
> 
> Short of putting up an ad in the paper I don't know anyone, none of my friends are remotely interested in doing what I just did, which was an 18.8 mile hike across 3 mountains, with over 8000 feet of total elevation and a 50 lb pack on my back. I slept 4000 feet up and it was about 17 degrees out with 40 MPH winds. Not many people are into doing stuff like that, or setting out and bushwhacking to a mountain top using a compass, snow shoes, and no trail in the dead of winter in the Northeast. She is. It's right up her ally, she also mountain bikes, runs,and does yoga. I can't find anyone else interested in this stuff, we're not nature walking for 20 minutes. I used to do it with my son but he's more interested in working, friends, and girls.


Are you familiar with meetup.com? Take a look on that site near where you live. if you tell me what city you live in I'll bet you I can find a group that does the things you like to do.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WildMustang said:


> A German Shepherd and a Rottweiler...too funny!
> 
> Reading this thread gives me so much hope! If you guys exist, there must be other men out there who are single and who are just as active.
> 
> ...


Leave your name, number, and future cemetery plot [ugh, morose thought!].
I will claim you in our next lives.

Oh, don't run too fast...
On second thought, it won't matter. I can run forever, never quit. I will eventually run you down.

Keep up these good things, good workouts.
Good luck with getting a fit, active, smart, a somewhat randy man.

If your do the online dating thing, make sure you specify that you want a very active, athletic, fit man, who is intelligent. 
Some guys, namely, gym rats, are dumb as a box of rocks. And just flat-out horny, not good for much else!!

I know this, having spent a lot of time in the gym in my youth. Still do in the winter months, just not as much.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

I finished my workout last night and went to the bar a few store fronts away. I'm 75 wear a stentson and leather vest all the time (actually it's a conceal-carry vest) I sat down at the bar and this cute blond and her friend acting like they knew me, tsmiled and waved at me. I waved back and noting they were drinking wine said "how's the wine?" to which they replied "wonderful... nice to see you"

now they were probably in their early 30s. So when Cindy the bartender said hi, I asked for my usual vodka&tonic in a tall glass. then I asked, "who in the hell are those two women?" she told me they had the hair salon next door!

Now either they confused me with someone else, were enamored by my attire, or looking for someone to buy more wine... don't know. But at my age, I couldn't handle one of them... and the two of them would have killed me.

Had my drink.. said good bye and went home to my 74 yr old wife who had just come home from the gym. Didn't tell my wife cause she would have laughed her head off!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

leon2100 said:


> I finished my workout last night and went to the bar a few store fronts away. I'm 75 wear a stentson and leather vest all the time (actually it's a conceal-carry vest) I sat down at the bar and this cute blond and her friend acting like they knew me, tsmiled and waved at me. I waved back and noting they were drinking wine said "how's the wine?" to which they replied "wonderful... nice to see you"
> 
> now they were probably in their early 30s. So when Cindy the bartender said hi, I asked for my usual vodka&tonic in a tall glass. then I asked, "who in the hell are those two women?" she told me they had the hair salon next door!
> 
> ...


the OP's husband is 41, not 75. Big difference. Plus he's actually spending time with the younger woman. IN the Op's situation, it's not just someone who talks to him once in a bar.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

OP, I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. 

Given that your husband has recently been caught fishing for women online and sexting his package, you are right to be highly concerned. Even without him doing those things, you are right to be highly concerned. I agree with the other posters that flirtatiously texting, meeting at the gym, going out for beers, and talking to her about your relationship in a negative manner are highly inappropriate dating behaviors and crossing boundaries, to say the least. I would not be okay with any of this.

The fact that he discounts and minimizes your feelings about it is also very troubling.

My tolerance for such behavior in a marriage is pretty low now (given what I have experienced in my 28 year marriage), so I would force him to choose between her or me. He can't have both. And if he couldn't choose, I'd make the choice for him and kick him to the curb.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Leave your name, number, and future cemetery plot [ugh, morose thought!].
> I will claim you in our next lives.
> 
> Oh, don't run too fast...
> ...



Hahaha!

In our next lives, I'll run just fast enough to keep you focused on me before I let you catch me.

I will be sure to use my "Come and get me" stride and pace.

No doubt you will eventually run me down!

Yes, in this life, I am seeking a Randy, Hand-y, Candy, Non-Dandy, MAN!

One who has intelligence in spades.

I, too, have noticed a lot of gym rats are dumb as a box of rocks and just flat out horny, both male and female.

The gym is a meat market, not much better than a bar, except they don't serve alcohol at the gym.

I could share some outrageously funny stories about the gym. I inconspicuously observe people between sets and you would't believe some of the stuff I have seen. Well...perhaps you would! Haha!

I won't date guys from the gym, mostly because I don't want to be the topic of conversation in the men's locker room (although according to some of the men from the gym who have asked me out, I already am).:surprise: I like to believe they are just messing with my head.

I really am there just to work out and nothing more. I go at 4:00 a.m., don't wear makeup or fix my hair, just get a shower before hand to wake me up, brush my teeth, put a baseball cap on, and go do my thing.

The online dating thing is a "NO_GO" for me. The way it seems to dehumanize people with the swipe left, swipe right, "NEXT" attitude does not appeal to me. It resembles e-bay. Or grocery shopping where you grab a bag of apples or a bunch of bananas and put it in your cart without regard for the people as people.

Online dating seems to put a lot of pressure on both parties to be attracted, to have things in common, to like each other, to want to date, to have chemistry BEFORE that has been established. It seems to make premature assessments and expectations. Then, when those things turn out not to be the case, feelings are hurt and disappointment sets in. 

Lots of people who use online dating seem to take it very personally and are deeply hurt when there is no connection because they use it as a way to validate their self worth as people. When there isn't a match, they think something must be wrong with them, where in reality, it simply wasn't a good match.

Online dating also gives people direct access to my life that I might not otherwise give if I met them in person first before setting up a meetup or a date. I value my privacy to much to use it.

I prefer to get to know men in person first, meet them, talk to them, see if we have any common interests, study their body language, notice their comfort level with eye contact, listen to them talk, notice if there is sexual chemistry, observe how he speaks to, interacts with, and generally treats other people, etc.

I can tell so much more about a person from organically meeting them in person while going about my day/evening, than I can from an online profile, which is nothing more than a sales pitch.

I also get approached and asked out in person enough that I think my calendar will be full without needing to use online dating (when I finally start dating). I hope that doesn't come off as bragging or arrogant as I don't mean it that way. I think it is simply due to my being happy, friendly and approachable. People seem to be naturally drawn to that. I know I am drawn to that in other people.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WildMustang said:


> Hahaha!
> *I think it is simply due to my being happy, friendly and approachable. People seem to be naturally drawn to that. I know I am drawn to that in other people*.


Yes, the bolded lines above are the secret to being popular. 
I have offered the same advice to men and women trying to start over, or trying to get a date, making an effort on a new start in life.

Popular is my favorite wood to use in projects.
I also like Oak.

Huh, what?


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, the bolded lines above are the secret to being popular.
> I have offered the same advice to men and women trying to start over, or trying to get a date, making an effort on a new start in life.
> 
> Popular is my favorite wood to use in projects.
> ...


I want to hear about these "projects" of yours!

Do tell!


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