# Husband is having trouble in the bedroom and I don't know if it's me or something else...



## Phoenix85 (May 3, 2020)

Hi everyone,

This is my first post so here it goes.

My husband has been having trouble 'down there' when we are trying to be intimate. He can't maintain an erection in order to have sex even though he can initially get one, but when we go further he loses it. We are relatively young, in our mid 30s

I know this is embarrassing for him and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can. He says it's not me but it's really hard to believe him, it's making me pretty insecure about how I look and how much I weigh etc. Also, I'm starting to think about other reasons he might be having trouble and I found some articles online suggesting that porn use may contribute to ED (There were many articles that refute that idea so I don't want to jump to conclusions). He is working from home now, so if it is porn then the opportunity to watch is there. The last few times we had sex to completion, he didn't last very long which made me think of him using porn even more. Also, if it is porn, then from what I've read, it may mean he needs the higher stimulation that 'hardcore' porn provides in order to become aroused. He thinks it could be his diet but we've never had this problem until the pandemic 'lock down' started. I also may just be paranoid.

I don't know how to bring it up with him without sounding accusatory. We are trying to conceive so maybe the 'scheduled' sex is too much pressure for him to perform? I really don't know. 

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Phoenix85 said:


> He thinks it could be his diet


Okay, so that sounds like you have at least managed to talk about it.

It *could* be several of the things you said. It could be pressure to conceive, doubts about having children, stress about lockdown. 
I guess it could be porn though that's less likely to be the cause, it's more likely to be a side effect (like he turns to porn because he's struggling with sex, not the other way round). It could be your weight if you have recently gained a whole lot of weight. 
Unlikely to be his diet, unless we're talking alcohol. Could be some underlying medical problem, and now is not a good time for getting seen by a doctor I guess. And, he probably *doesn't know* what is causing it. So there's no point demanding answers.

What almost always happens is, it's a vicious cycle, the ED makes him anxious about sex, and the anxiety about sex makes him lose it.
Has he tried cialis? That can be one way of breaking that cycle.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Phoenix85 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> This is my first post so here it goes.
> 
> ...


Hey 

Does he mastarbate ? If yes, then this could be one of the reason for a short term sex. Also, yes, he might have been pressurised with the fact that you guys are planning to conceive but that shouldnt bother him at all.

You said hes working from home so ask him if he’s over-thinking about any financial issues. 

I agree to the fact that people sometimes get bored being at home. But try to arouse him by giving him a surprise. 

You can consider my above suggestions considering he’s not dating someone else.


More on your reply 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

IndianApple said:


> he might have been pressurised with the fact that you guys are planning to conceive but that shouldnt bother him at all.


Maybe it shouldn't, but maybe it does and he feels awkward admitting it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Phoenix85 said:


> He can't maintain an erection in order to have sex even though he can initially get one, but when we go further he loses it.


This is descriptive of a fluidic problem. Your husband becomes erect, that means it's not you, and it's most likely not porn or outside sexual interest. The psychological component of sex has done its job.

As you two progress, his body is exercising, and demanding more blood supply to his muscles. The blood which engorged his penis escapes. As we age, the venous valves start to leak. The blood supply in his body was sufficient to keep his penis full when he was at rest, but the higher demand during sex caused insufficiency to retain his erection.

Your husband needs to see a doctor. His is a case where the PDE5 inhibitors (viagra, levitra, cialis) can help. In general, drugs and supplements which have the effects of vasodilation, such as Niacin, watermelon, and vegetables which contain nitrates, like lettuce, arugula can benefit.

He also needs to see a doctor to get a thorough workup for low testosterone, and, a good complete physical, as ED can be an early warning sign of coming atherosclerosis (heart disease and peripheral artery disease). Diet, exercise, and good follow-through with professional medicine may prevent these unfortunate outcomes.


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## Phoenix85 (May 3, 2020)

TJW said:


> This is descriptive of a fluidic problem. Your husband becomes erect, that means it's not you, and it's most likely not porn or outside sexual interest. The psychological component of sex has done its job.
> 
> As you two progress, his body is exercising, and demanding more blood supply to his muscles. The blood which engorged his penis escapes. As we age, the venous valves start to leak. The blood supply in his body was sufficient to keep his penis full when he was at rest, but the higher demand during sex caused insufficiency to retain his erection.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your thorough reply. My husband is in his 30s, is this too early to think about drug therapy as you suggested? Is this a normal treatment for someone his age?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Phoenix85 said:


> My husband is in his 30s, is this too early to think about drug therapy as you suggested? Is this a normal treatment for someone his age?


He is not too young, as you and he are having sexual difficulties. He may not need drugs, diet, exercise, and behavioral modification may be the indicated course of action from a qualified doctor who has clinical experience.

If the doctor's test results indicate, testosterone replacement can be an option. There can be a variety of mechanisms which cause ED, perhaps your husband is a case where more than one mechanism contributes.

And, yes, it is a normal treatment under the care of a physician, even for young men. Medical science knows these drugs well through the studies, and through the experience of doctors who routinely prescribe them, they can result not only in sexual performance enhancement, but a better quality and length of life.

Please also be aware that medical science is advancing rapidly. Things which you heard may have been anecdotally valid at the time you heard them, but the scientific method has since taught us things previously unknown. That's why a qualified doctor is needed.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents: Stress. The Pandemic and people working from home has added lots of stress to most couples. This is especially true from an economic perspective to a youngish husband who is planning on having children soon with his W. 

Lot's of folks are afraid for their jobs or their company's economic future. Still others are finding being with their spouse nearly 24/7 to also be stressful. Either way stress is not conducive to male performance.

Good luck and try to make things less stressful and more playful for him.


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## Imjustaslostasyou (Apr 22, 2020)

Phoenix85 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> This is my first post so here it goes.
> 
> ...


Stress and anxiety play a big role in the ability to achieve and maintain an erection. Has there been anything happen that would make him believe that you really don't love him like you use to? Or do you make any unintentional insulting comments about things he likes or maybe about his penise size or how long he last in bed. My wife made a comment about how I only like to watch stupid stuff....like on tv, tic tok etc... And since then when we have sex I get soft part way through because I start thinking about her comments and wonder about what she thinks is stupid about me when we have sex.


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

My husband goes through phases like this. I agree that stress and anxiety are big factors in sex performance for most all of us. For us most of the time when it is difficult for him to stay hard, it is rest, nutrition, and exercise. It all has to do with his oxygen level. The more cardio or anaerobic while eating and sleeping well, the better his hardness and staying power is. Also we certainly have discovered the more he masturbates the less likely he stays hard in me after I loosen up quite a bit. We change positions at that point which works. If we wish to continue with more we have to move on to other orifices. Orally it is no problem, anally its tough but once he gets going, it is all good. But back to the healthy side of things - I would say cardio has been the most important for us of everything. When he gets good workouts our sex is way better. Same goes for me. Check his nitric oxide levels for starters.


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## Phoenix85 (May 3, 2020)

Thanks everyone for your help in this.


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## Phoenix85 (May 3, 2020)

Imjustaslostasyou said:


> Stress and anxiety play a big role in the ability to achieve and maintain an erection. Has there been anything happen that would make him believe that you really don't love him like you use to? Or do you make any unintentional insulting comments about things he likes or maybe about his penise size or how long he last in bed. My wife made a comment about how I only like to watch stupid stuff....like on tv, tic tok etc... And since then when we have sex I get soft part way through because I start thinking about her comments and wonder about what she thinks is stupid about me when we have sex.



I don't think I have, definitely never said anything about his size. But I guess I'll be more mindful of what I say to him, even if it's just a joke, just in case. Thanks


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## Phoenix85 (May 3, 2020)

curiouswife4 said:


> My husband goes through phases like this. I agree that stress and anxiety are big factors in sex performance for most all of us. For us most of the time when it is difficult for him to stay hard, it is rest, nutrition, and exercise. It all have to do with his oxygen level. The more cardio or anaerobic while eating and sleeping well, the better his hardness and staying power is. Also we certainly have discovered the more he masturbates the less likely he stays hard in me after I loosen up quite a bit. We change positions at that point which works. If we wish to continue with more we have to move on to other orifices. Orally it is no problem, anally its tough but ones he gets going, it is all good. But back to the healthy side of things - I would say cardio has been the most important for us of everything. When he gets good workouts our sex is way better. Same goes for me. Check his nitric oxide levels for starters.



Since our gym has closed, we've been struggling to find ways to exercise properly. We are pretty much gym rats so maybe the lack of activity could be affecting him, as you suggested. Thanks.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

> >> But I guess I'll be more mindful of what I say to him, even if it's just a joke, just in case. <<<


If you are married to the kind of guy who doesn't think there is anything funny about his penis misbehaving (and yes, I am one of those guys), there is no such thing as a funny or lighthearted or acceptable "joke" about his penis. You might think there ought to be. And maybe with some other guy there would be. But with your H (and with me), there isn't.


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## Phoenix85 (May 3, 2020)

Holdingontoit said:


> If you are married to the kind of guy who doesn't think there is anything funny about his penis misbehaving (and yes, I am one of those guys), there is no such thing as a funny or lighthearted or acceptable "joke" about his penis. You might think there ought to be. And maybe with some other guy there would be. But with your H (and with me), there isn't.



You misunderstood my post. To clarify, I've never said anything jokingly about his size and I NEVER would. I was referring to being mindful about joking about anything in general such as making a comment about something he does or likes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Low testosterone.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You have to ask him about porn. Check his computer history. Ask about masterbation. As a wife whose struggling with sex it is your right to know.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

You could get him a vacuum tube. They work with a lot of guys. ED has come up with guys in their 20's. People are talking about it more than in the past.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think it’s porn... the great destroyer of men. It’s so easy.. it quickly becomes a habit. I think it trains a man’s sexuality away from his wife. He’ll never admit it... but if you could hide/lock/destroy his phone or computer I think you could prove it.


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## curiouswife4 (Oct 15, 2019)

Phoenix85 said:


> Since our gym has closed, we've been struggling to find ways to exercise properly. We are pretty much gym rats so maybe the lack of activity could be affecting him, as you suggested. Thanks.


There are so many amazing ideas on you tube for home workouts. Plus - we use sexercise - lol no joke. Where there is a will there is a way. We have discovered amazingly fun ways to get out sexy on while transforming it into exercise. All the being at home has brought out our creativity. I am positive you guys can as well, research,experiment, play around with it until you find simple exercises you both enjoy that work the the whole body. Then think of sex positions that you enjoy that give you a good work out and also do them, be creative as you like. It is a blast!


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If someone hasn't suggested it, have him get a prostate exam.


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## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

If I may ask, how many times do you successfully have sex per week?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m late to the party but stress can be a huge factor. In one of the above post someone mentioned her husband can sometimes get soft after she has loosened up a bit during sex. There have been times if I am tired or stressed that this can happen to me. My whole point of this is that it has nothing to do with my attraction for my wife. I wouldn’t want you to get all up in your head thinking that it is something to do with you. The extra stimulation provided by oral or a hand job always got things back on track. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. At his age I’m sure it will pass.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

Any new meds? Seven weeks ago, I was put on a high dose of pantoprazole and Bam nothing, not even morning wood. I've tried virga at 100mg and nothing. But in the last two-week I'm being weaned off of it and am now taking ¼ of that does and things are returning, not as fast I would like.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does he do any drugs? The only guy who performed like you describe was a guy who had a drug problem.

it was his lack of ability to stay hard that tipped me off and I started looking into reasons why... turned out he had a huge meth problem.

just FYI


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Yes, I don't usually think that way. But @Beach123 has a very good point. I think, if Beach is right, you will also be seeing periods of lethargy.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

May be Low T. I had to start testosterone injections at 37.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I’m late to the party as well, but I’d like to add my two cents. Phoenix, it’s been mentioned a lot about porn and masturbation and weight ad Infinitum. When I was mid thirties, I could Play with it all day and still get it up enough to satisfy my wife.
unfortunately, all men aren’t built equally. That being said, it’s also been mentioned that it may be a medical issue.

This begs the question, has he been physically checked for things like low testosterone, diabetes, prostate issues,( not wanting to scare you or create more anxiety, but is there a history of cancer in his family?) New medications can decrease libido as well. The other thing is psychological factors, stress, money, the pressure to conceive or many other things that consume everyday life.

Please don’t overthink that you are the cause of his lack of oomph, you may be the reason he does become semi erect, because YOU turn him on. The problem is that possibly due to other causes, he can’t complete.

If you haven’t, consider having him engage with your doctor and psychologist to determine if it is indeed physiological or psychological. that would at least alleviate those being factors in this issue. I would hazard to guess it possibly is.

hoping for a simple positive outcome for you both.


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