# Husband contacted ex-girlfriend



## heartboken73 (Jul 15, 2009)

My husband contacted ex-girlfriend. We have been married 12 years. She has been married for 9. This was his high school girlfriend, the one he dated for 4 years. He was engaged to before they broke up and he married his first wife. Then he and I got together and before we got married...she called him because she was going through a divorce. I told him at that time if there were any unresolved feelings then he ought to go out with her to see if there are any feelings. Well he didn't and we got married and I never heard anything more about her. 

Well he came home two weeks ago and asked me how would I feel if he contacted her. I could tell by the question that he had already talked to her. He said that he had talked to her via email on that day a few times. Come to find out that he had contacted her mom via email a few weeks earlier and gave her mom his work email and cell phone number. I was very hurt that 1. He did not discuss it with me first and 2. That he would give her all his work information and not his home information. 

He told me that he was not trying to hide anything because he came home and told me about it as soon as he actually received an email from the ex. I was so hurt that he would even want to contact her. Then not even have me be a part of the relationship by doing it through work.

My husband and I have argued about this a few times. I told him if he was going to continue to contact her I would like him to do it through the home email and I would like to see the emails that he sent her. It took him a week to show me the emails. 

They were innocent emails so far. But the more they talk the more innocent emails will go into past emotions and past feelings. I don’t want him thinking of past events with her when he should be thinking of times with me. She still wears jewelry that he gave her and says that their memories are still fresh for her. 

I told him that he made a very bad judgment doing it without asking me and an even worse judgment giving her his work email and cell phone number.

He keeps saying that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. That he is not cheating on me. That if I am going to keep accusing him of something then he should be doing something. He said he is not doing anything wrong. Where are the boundries? Why is he blaming me?

Am I crazy for not wanting him to talk to her? Am I making a big deal out of this? Now he is telling half-truths to avoid an argument about contacting her. I never before had to wonder if he was telling me the truth or not. Now I will always have doubts.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I don't think you are wrong to be upset. I can understand that it's nice to catch up with people from your past, but it shouldn't be an ongoing thing... they don't need to be best friends again- he has you and if she's going through a divorce or a tough time in her marriage she needs to turn to her friends, family or someone else besides your husband. Did he say why he started the communication with her in the first place? That was a really stupid thing for him to say that if you keep accusing him then he should be doing something... that's not going to help you trust him. If he wants to catch up with her he should invite her husband and you out for a dinner or something so it's just a casual meeting...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> I don't think you are wrong to be upset. I can understand that it's nice to catch up with people from your past, but it shouldn't be an ongoing thing...


:iagree:
You are not being unreasonable in this, he has reached out to a former lover while still married to you. How has the marriage been, are there issues between the two of you? This has the potential to turn to an EA pretty easily so addressing the ground rules should be done. You have every right to be concerned about this. While he did initially proceed without your knowledge he did let you know when they made contact so it is likely he does see this as innocent. But there are dangers. Calmly discuss how this makes you feel and try and find out why he thinks he needs to communicate with her.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Fact of the matter is this: if he wants to talk to her, nothing you can say or do can stop him. Your pushing him to not speak to her will only have him do it secretly.
When you talk to him about it you should not make demands and try to understand why he may be contacting old girlfriends, and tell him it makes you wonder why he has.
You cannot make him stop if that is his intention to speak to her or meet her.


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## heartboken73 (Jul 15, 2009)

He said that he wants to see how she is doing. See how her life has been. I guess my biggest problem is that he wants to do it all through his work email and not the home. He said that I only requested that so that I could read the emails because I did not trust him. I feel that is keeping me out of the loop and I don't think that is appropriate since we are married. He has also lied about getting some emails since then.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I feel the bigger an issue you make out of it, its going to only make him want to email and see her more.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

preso said:


> Fact of the matter is this: if he wants to talk to her, nothing you can say or do can stop him. Your pushing him to not speak to her will only have him do it secretly.
> When you talk to him about it you should not make demands and try to understand why he may be contacting old girlfriends, and tell him it makes you wonder why he has.
> You cannot make him stop if that is his intention to speak to her or meet her.


:iagree:

Remember this: "Know thyself, know thy enemy." Sun Tzu

I think I would sit and examine (with him over dinner and drinks) WHY he cares, what he feels, his thoughts about her in general. Focus totally on HER and how he feels about his past with her, her future, etc.

Then you will know her more. That is the first step.

I would also tell him: "I cannot tell you what to do, or how to run your life. You are going to do what you are going to do regardless of what I say. You are a grown man, I am going to let you decide where you want to go with this rekindling of your relationship with her". 

Then let him do what he will do. 

The truth is going to set you free, trust me.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Remember this: "Know thyself, know thy enemy." Sun Tzu


Sandy! I'm quite impressed! That's not a commonly attributed quote (although it is well known)! Very good, girl!


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