# Been married almost 3 yrs, husband cheated, i want to save it but...



## wcd6891 (Aug 1, 2013)

Ok this is my story...sorry its so long.

Met my husband in January 2008. He had a girlfriend then but he decided that he wanted to be with me...so in July 2008 when became exclusive. My husband knew that marriage was something I wanted and I wanted it with him. In December 2009, I graduated from college and I knew what I wanted after that...a husband, family and career. During my life God has been a very big part of my life. I am a preacher's kid and been raised in church....so after my crazy college years, I decided that I no longer wanted to have premarital sex and I informed my husband(boyfriend at the time) of my feelings. His response was that he would stay with me but he would cheat on me because he couldn't just stop cold turkey. So I told him if he loved me, then we should get married. I knew he loved me because through our 1 1/2 year relationship we both were there for each other for a lot of tough and good things. 

At the end February 2010, an ex of mines contacted me to tell me that he regretted that we never had a future and wanted to see what we could be and that he was in love with me. He was always such a gentleman, great sense of humor, and everything that a woman could ask for. I had told my husband that I wanted to be married since after my graduation and in March 2010 he proposed. The only thing I could see was being married not actually what marriage was. We got married a month later and from February until July I communicated with my ex and I even kissed him because I didn't know where I wanted to be. Yes, I emotionally cheated and kissed another man while I was married. He knew at that time I didn't want to be with my husband but he wanted me to make the decision. My husband and I had a wedding that August of the same year. After I walked down that isle for a 2nd time, I made up in my mind that I wanted a life with my husband. My husband found out about what happen in November of that year and he was very hurt and I vowed that if he forgave me I would never hurt him like that again.

Fast forward to June of this year, we had been having arguments for a while (some my fault and some his) about everything but I was determined to work through them. One of my classmates died that month and I went back to my home town for the funeral but my husband didn't come with me when I told him that I needed him there with me. He gave me excuses about his job, and that my parents were there for me but I needed him. The funeral was so hard for me and I couldn't help but to think how could he have allowed me to go through this without him. That night before I went to bed I asked God to show me what I needed to know regarding my marriage...if he wanted me or not. I knew my husband was out with his friends that night and he said he would call me when he got home but it was about 3am and he still hadn't call. I got worried. So I texted him but no response so I called. The phone answered and I knew he didn't answer on his on but I heard noise in the background. I stayed on the phone until I heard a females voice in the background laughing and moaning. It was hard to hear but then 30 minutes later whatever was going on was over I heard my husbands voice. I was so heartbroken. I had just heard my husband having an affair with someone else. 

He told me that he went to a strip club and one of the strippers gave him oral sex. I was disgusted that my husband could do something like. I had been trying to be the best wife I could be but it wasn't good enough for him. I went back home and we argued a few days but then I had enough ...he was only caring about he wasn't getting enough sex and he wasn't even caring how this effected me. I quit my job and went to stay with my parents. I couldn't believe that sex was the motive for my husband to have an affair. I brought in over half of our income and didn't make him feel less of a man about it...cooked when I got home but he got off everyday 2 hours before me which he could have cooked, but he would rather be at the gym playing basketball with his friends, etc. 

Fast forward to now as I write this, I have been at my parents home for a month now and my husband is controlling the decision bc I want us to work through these things together and he says he needs time to think and know if he wants to be married. He says he is 75% sure but he wants to be a 100% before I come back. He feels that I pressured him to get married and he didn't have a choice. He feels that I expect too much from him and he just wants to be normal. He moved to an apartment after our lease on our house was over last month. I tell him that I feel like Im homeless but he says that I shouldn't say that bc the apartment is my home. However, my name is not on the lease nor does he want me to come back now because he still is thinking. I don't know what to do...my family and friends keep saying that he is playing games and that if he really wanted to be a husband he would know...of course we want know off the back how to fix everything else but he should know that. But my husband says he loves me and that he just wants to make sure he fixes himself before he can fix us. I have things to work on to but I feel we can do that unless we are together bc what he feels he needs to fix may not be what he really needs to for us and vice versa for me. Your spouse is the only person and God to tell you what they need you to fix in your marriage because they are the only people that matter...I really don't want to continue to be unhappy, sad and alone in this because I really don't know what to believe. I want to believe what he is saying is true but I know my family and friends have been through some of the same things and want to save me pain. I just don't want to be a fool thinking that he wants me and really doesn't....I need advise from men and women that have been through, going through or seen something like this....please help :-(


----------



## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Divorce Him. Otherwise he'll just assume he can do this again whenever he wants and you'll just take it. Once the divorce papers are in his hands and he see's what he's about to lose he'll come crawling back. Don't let him paint the town red while he's "Considering"


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

This man needs to grow up. You married him essentially because he couldn't keep it in his pants.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*"I decided that I no longer wanted to have premarital sex and I informed my husband(boyfriend at the time) of my feelings. His response was that he would stay with me but he would cheat on me because he couldn't just stop cold turkey."
*
Okay, you both cheated. He cheated most recently and his was physical. Yours wasn't. I'll take your word for it.

The game he's playing now is not to figure things out so much, but to continue to cheat on you and have his fun, while you wait in the wings, ready to take him back in. He's manipulating you. 

The quote above, told me a lot about him and it should have told you a lot too. He threatened to cheat while he was in a committed relationship with you. That's a red flag that you shouldn't have ignored. Do you really think to someone like this, that marriage would make a difference? He wanted sex more than a relationship with you; and now he wants sex more than being married to you.

If he was truly remorseful and contrite, begging for another chance - probably like you did before; then I would say R has a chance, if you get into marriage counseling and work on your issues together. But that's not the case. Right now he's treating you like a doormat, when he's the one that should be begging you back.

My advice to you is to implement the 180 on him (find the link or google it) to help you detach, talk to an attorney, and start the divorce process. When or if he turns around, you can consider delaying the process - if he begins to demonstrate consistent remorse. 

That said, while you're doing this, you need to seriously consider putting him in your rear view mirror for good. You are young, no children and only 3 years into marriage. The chances of him staying faithful to you, don't sound good - even if he comes back with hat in hand.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

badmemory said:


> *"I decided that I no longer wanted to have premarital sex and I informed my husband(boyfriend at the time) of my feelings. His response was that he would stay with me but he would cheat on me because he couldn't just stop cold turkey."
> *
> Okay, you both cheated. He cheated most recently and his was physical. Yours wasn't. I'll take your word for it.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is dead on.


----------



## wcd6891 (Aug 1, 2013)

badmemory said:


> *"I decided that I no longer wanted to have premarital sex and I informed my husband(boyfriend at the time) of my feelings. His response was that he would stay with me but he would cheat on me because he couldn't just stop cold turkey."
> *
> Okay, you both cheated. He cheated most recently and his was physical. Yours wasn't. I'll take your word for it.
> 
> ...


OMG...thank you for the 180 because I have done all the opposite of what that list says. Thank you for the advice. Its just so hard when you love someone so much and they don't love you the same or they trying to love you like you love them. It hurts so bad but I am going to try my best to do these things. I hope shows me the truth...that he wants our marriage to work or that I am better off by myself.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

wcd6891 said:


> OMG...thank you for the 180 because I have done all the opposite of what that list says. Thank you for the advice. Its just so hard when you love someone so much and they don't love you the same or they trying to love you like you love them. It hurts so bad but I am going to try my best to do these things. I hope shows me the truth...that he wants our marriage to work or that I am better off by myself.


Not always but often, a byproduct of the 180 is that it get's the WS's attention, but mainly it is to help you.

Had he not separated from you after he betrayed you, things would be different - since you have both cheated. But it's just too obvious what he's doing and you shouldn't tolerate it. He now needs to understand what it's like to possibly lose his wife for cheating on her. As we often say around here - You have to be willing to end your marriage to have a "chance" to save it.

Use the 180 and this time away from him to really think about what's best for you. Once you are a decade into the marriage with children, a repeat of his behavior will be all the more devastating and difficult to deal with.

If he decides he wants to come back, and if you still want to R, don't accept him unconditionally. Don't take divorce off the table too quickly. Make sure he is "demonstrating" remorse. He should be transparent and accountable for his time;willing to do anything to work on the marriage.TAM members can help you identify what true remorse looks like.


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

wcd6891 said:


> Ok this is my story...sorry its so long.
> 
> *Met my husband in January 2008. He had a girlfriend then but he decided that he wanted to be with me...so in July 2008 when became exclusive.* My husband knew that marriage was something I wanted and I wanted it with him. In December 2009, I graduated from college and I knew what I wanted after that...a husband, family and career. During my life God has been a very big part of my life. *I am a preacher's kid and been raised in church*....so after my crazy college years, I decided that I no longer wanted to have premarital sex and I informed my husband(boyfriend at the time) of my feelings. *His response was that he would stay with me but he would cheat on me because he couldn't just stop cold turkey. * So I told him if he loved me, then we should get married. I knew he loved me because through our 1 1/2 year relationship we both were there for each other for a lot of tough and good things.
> 
> ...



You both cheated. Your relationship began with cheating. You know the drill- if the AP cheats with you, the AP will cheat on you. You married your AP, so essentially you married the affair. Not a healthy foundation.

Growing up in a religious atmosphere doesn't mean that you are en ethical person. People often cannot distinguish between religiosity and spirituality. Spirituality makes you an ethical person. 

You cannot believe he would cheat for sex. He married you for sex, didn't he? Then why not have an affair for sex? It is much cheaper.

None of you know what marriage is and what boundaries are and how they should be maintained. That's why you had EA and kissed your ex. It is only a kiss, right? It is never *just a kiss*. 

You two are not ready for marriage and your marriage cannot be saved. Separate and file for divorce. Then start a new enlightened life with truth and not with lies and deception.


----------



## ritatud (Aug 2, 2013)

You married him essentially because he couldn't keep it in his pants.


----------

