# I can't believe this is happening to me...



## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

Well here I am. I first found this site about a year or so ago when I was looking for answers for why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. I just lurked here forever.
Now I am pretty sure he wants out of our marriage. Iv'e tried everything I can think of. I am so lost and don't know what to do. 

Background...
We've been together for 14 years. I have a sixteen yr old son who he has adopted. We have been married 6 years as of April this year. Sex stopped pretty much after we got married. It was great beforehand. We have had financial issues but who doesn't. We own a house that I purchased when I was a young single mom so it is very small. He always said how he never felt like it was his home. So against my better judgement we bought a much bigger home about 5 years ago. Everyone knows what happened to the housing market and his job was downsized on top of it so we ended up losing the house and filing bankruptcy.
We are now living back in the little house that we had rented. Now I know that these types of financial issues can cause major stress for a man. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to talk to me but he just pulls farther and farther away.

I have tried everything to get him to talk to me about our sex life, but he wont. He denies a porn addiction (although I know he watches it). He refuses to watch it with me. He denies a masturbation habit. He denies an affair. WTF I am lost. 

Right before our anniversary this year I started to really buck up and demand he address this issue since it was really starting to affect me. He still refused to open up and talk about any reasons for it but he did agree to start to work on it. I was ok with that for now. We took a small trip to his hometown for our anniversary as I thought we both needed to get out of town for a bit. I also thought the car ride would give us some time to talk. We made love or actually, sorry for the language, but we screwed during our trip a few times. I didn't care, I was just happy we seemed to be making progress. It seemed to me we were having fun again. then we get home....

I am in nursing school and have clinicals on sundays, so when his friends invited him out to their place for a party on saturday night, I couldn't go, as I have to get up super early. I told him to go and have a good time. Boy did he. He never came home, but worse than that he didn't even stay at the friends house. He claims they went out to a club and he drove home with a girl who works in his office. He claims she didn't know where we lived so she went to her house where he passed out on her couch. Needless to say this really hurt me. I didn't hear from him until almost noon the next day. And I thought we were actually making some progress. Since then he has gone out a couple times. He really acts as if nothing really bothers him. He keeps it all bottled up inside. We both agree we haven't been happy in a long time. He gets pissed off that I am upset about what happened and so I try not to bring it up. About three years he also didn't come home and was with this same woman. 

I asked him if he has already moved on? his response "I'm confused, scared, angry, mad at myself, mad at life, hating my job, upset about finances, just lost." He basically just keeps bringing up **** from many years ago about how I got jealous, but really doesn't every woman get jealous from time to time? I don't feel like I am overly so. 

He wont give me a straight answer on anything. I called him today in tears while he was at lunch. He knows I am so upset. You would think he would have come home after work and try to talk to me about what we are going to do. instead he goes out for wings with a friend (oh and he brought our son).

I am so lost and heartbroken. Thanks for hearing me vent...


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Sounds like you already know he has had an affair with that woman. He is throwing old stuff in your face because it makes him feel less guilty about it. I'm sorry you are going through this. You really need to think about what you want, if you want your marriage to work, you need to sit him down and tell him it's come clean time or get out time.... you don't deserve to live like that. Not coming home would be a major deal breaker for me! Think about where your boundries are and you need to make clear to him that you have been stressed too and have let him cross them too many times and that you will not be tolerating that anymore and put them back up and get him to agree and acknowledge the boundries are back in place (since you sort of already gave him a free pass letting him get away with it that one night). don't beat yourself up about the financial things, you had your life setup and brought him into it and adjusted things to try to make him happy, the recession hit everyone in different ways, it's how we handle it and move on from it that will set those of us who recover from it apart from those who let it beat us down.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

Thanks. I know your right, but he wont admit to it. I am just so heartbroken. I feel like my life is just falling apart.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

I agree with livelaughlovenow.. he most likely had an affair with the OW. There is no excuse for this and needs to be out in the open and dealt with.

As far as how he is acting... it seems more like a 'man pride' issue. I don't know how old you guys are or where you're from, but many men have a complex about not being in control of their lives. When money is tight, you lose your house and job.. it's like a drop kick in the gonads as far as pride is concerned.

From what you said, he changed right about the time you got married.. also about the time the market bottomed out and your finances took a major hit. This may not be the case, but from where I am and my understanding, it could play a major part in his issues.

Considering when you guys left town and were intimate and had a good time together, just like you used to.. it all changed when you got home.. back to the same life with the same bills and the same everything. 

I am sure no expert, and I have my own mountain of marital problems, but, it seems that your H may have a 'self worth' problem. Unfortunately, when you buck up, he is probably seeing it as more of an attack on his ability to provide for his family and his wife's needs.. which makes him fall deeper down the hole he feels like he is in. Calling him in tears most likely did the same. He may not know how to ask for help, or would be embarrassed to ask because it would make him seem more weak as a man.

Some guys get into a funk emotionally and don't know how to handle getting out of it. Things get worse around them and they think everyone is just piling more fault and blame upon them. For years I was like this too.. it greatly affected my marriage. I felt like atlas holding the world on my shoulders. Some days, it was too heavy to bare, but others were better (when I got away from my normal routine.. like your trip)

Again, the affair must be dealt with.. but, don't jump to conclusions.. it most likely happened, but unless you're sure, don't condemn him for it. Also, maybe you guys can take a trip like the one you enjoyed.. but instead of lots of sex, try lots of talking.. start small and build up to your issues. Maybe the combination of the trip and communication will help you move your marriage back to where you want it to be.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

urnotme said:


> Thanks. I know your right, but he wont admit to it. I am just so heartbroken. I feel like my life is just falling apart.


My W accused me of cheating a few times.. mostly because of the amount of travel I do.. she thought I had a few different GFs spread out across the globe. Or if I looked at a woman for too long (not just any woman, a female co-worker). I never did cheat and was never tempted.. She was convinced of it.. but no matter how much I denied it, I doubt that she ever truly believed me. 

Chances are that if he did and won't admit it to you, he most likely bragged to someone else about it. Maybe try that route.. just be weary of the fallout if it gets back to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband use a cell phone and the computer? Perhaps you can check those to see if something is going on. That's the first thing I would do.

If he's in an affair he's not very likely to tell you. So it's up to you to find out what is going on with him.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

Well his phone is a company phone so I have no access to the bill. He deletes all new texts and emails so who knows. He rarely uses the computer at home, besides his phone does just about everything. 
I am 35 and he is 37. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. For the record I don't regularly accuse him of having an affair it just seems lately that his behavior combined with our lack of intimacy that that is the only logical conclusion that I can come up with. 
I just wish he would talk to me. Thank you everyone for your replies. Pmiller if you are right, then how could I effectively communicate with him?


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

The fact that he deletes everything would have my spidey senses tingling like crazy. Mine only did that to hide things, otherwise he was too dang lazy to mess with it until his memory was full on his cell phone (and he had an extra memory chip so he had tons of memory) 

I am sorry you are hurting and that this is happening. Here's hoping you get some answers soon. I know the waiting game is h3ll.


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Tell him you have had enough and you want out because you feel he left the relationship a long time ago. Then see what his reaction is. To be honest you haven't got much to loose at this stage. His reaction will tell you what he really feels .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there a room in the house where he goes to talk on the phone?

If so you could be a VAR (voice activated recorder) in the room. Put velco on it can mount it under a table to something like that. Some people put them under the seat of a car. This way you might pick up his side of phone conversations.


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## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

urnotme said:


> Pmiller if you are right, then how could I effectively communicate with him?


I wish I could tell you.. one of the problems in my M is that I don't communicate well.. so You might need to ask someone else..lol.

I could be wrong in my thoughts about your situation, but that is what it looks like to me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My take is that he is depressed, she was a ONS that he took on because he hates himself and thought she'd make him feel better, but now he hates himself even more.

You are NOT helping him by continuing the status quo. The only way he will get help - and he needs it - is if you say 'therapy and me, or no therapy and I divorce you.'


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As for communicating, read The Five Love Languages.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

I just called a marriage counselor and left a message. I hope they call back soon.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

I made an appointment for Saturday. He doesn't want to go. This isn't looking good. I feel like such a fool. I feel pathetic and hopeless. 
My whole life is unraveling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You go anyway. When you're ready to leave, you say "Are you coming?" When he says no, then you just say "Ok. I hear you saying that I'm not important enough to you, for you to go to a one-hour counseling session. I'll have the counselor help me figure out how to move on without you." And you leave.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You need to start setting boundaries and follow through with consequences if those boundaries are broken. It seems like he is used to just getting his way with only you getting upset and no real consequences. He is pushing your personal boundaries and the boundaries on the marriage.

I see very similar actions regarding the hiding things and what he is saying to you by bringing up things from the past in your H and my Hs behavior. Big red flags. You need to find out for sure if he is cheating and be ready to lay down the law.

I know you are not his parent but you are his wife. You have more than a right to be concerned especially if you are looking out for the marriage!


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

Well we went to the counselor. It was painful at best. I thought it was a step in the right direction. However, i think now all is lost. I saw a text on his phone from a number with no name assigned to it asking if he was alright. Long story short it is her. They have a relationship going on and she obviously knows more about me and my marriage than she should. 
He didn't come home Friday from work. He got home around 2am. Said he was thinking (ya right). Counselor asked him if he was going to stay home for a while while we sort this out he said yes. But he was gone all day yesterday and avoided my calls. I am going to continue to see the MC but i don't have much hope left. I have bared my heart and soul to him and he continues to lie and deceive and now is acting just down right disrespectful. I never would have imagined he could behave this way toward me. I just don't have the energy for this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should have had the locks changed while he was out, and packed all his crap into Hefty bags and left them on the front porch.

Do it today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, he treats you like this because you LET him.

Stop giving him power over you.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

I just don't want this to get nasty. This isn't typical behavior of him. He has been a really good man until now. 
I've been trying to avoid getting that way. I have thought about doing that (throwing him out). But I can see that he his hurting too. We also have a 16 year old in the house and I don't want him to see his mother behaving that way. Although I do plan on asking him to leave. 
I honestly don't know what to do. One minute I am devastated and willing to do anything to fix my family. The next I am angry and ready to toss him out on his ass. I just don't know. I don't have the energy for all of this.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

urnotme said:


> Well we went to the counselor. It was painful at best. I thought it was a step in the right direction. However, i think now all is lost. I saw a text on his phone from a number with no name assigned to it asking if he was alright. Long story short it is her. They have a relationship going on and she obviously knows more about me and my marriage than she should.
> He didn't come home Friday from work. He got home around 2am. Said he was thinking (ya right). Counselor asked him if he was going to stay home for a while while we sort this out he said yes. But he was gone all day yesterday and avoided my calls. I am going to continue to see the MC but i don't have much hope left. I have bared my heart and soul to him and he continues to lie and deceive and now is acting just down right disrespectful. I never would have imagined he could behave this way toward me. I just don't have the energy for this.


It is very hard to accept, but marriage counseling is a hopeless cause with 3 people in the marriage. MC is unpleasant, hard work. Affairs are fantasies. MC just cannot compete with the bubble of infatuation.

What do you know about this woman? You have some choices to make. One is to Let Him Go (because he seems to be barrelling in that direction) and to do the 180 (a method for living your best, full life, in preparation for whatever lies ahead, with or without him). These have the combined effects of presenting him with the consequences of his choices. Right now he does not want to be the bad guy to divorce you, apparently; he wants to see if things will work out with this woman. He is, apparently, too cowardly to ask you for a divorce, and is perhaps hoping you will do it first.

But he doesn't want to be fully honest. Maybe he cares what other people think. Maybe this woman works with him? Or maybe she is married. Or perhaps he would be ashamed if his parents knew about what he was doing.

If you want to try to reconcile with him, you will need to find out who the OW is. You would need to hire a Private Investigator. Also, if you live in a jurisdiction that recognizes adultery as part of divorce, that may gain you some advantage.

Once you have evidence that would confirm to an outside party that they're in an affair (cell phone records, his spending the night at her house, etc.), then you would expose that information to his family (and his place of work, if they are co-workers) simultaneously with filing divorce. The point would be to shock him into choosing today, you or him. Threatening divorce never works (people do it all the time--but no one believes threats). Exposure would ensure that no one in his life that he respects could be fooled into thinking he met thise woman after you separated. He would have to be accountable for his actions. 

Because he might not know this woman that well (assuming she is not a co-worker) it might just work. He might just realize that he is being stupid and selfish and at a minimum, divorce is not what he wants. That would bring him back to the table so that you could attend MC.

But it's understandable if you don't want to chase after someone who is being immature, selfish, and disrespectful. Still, you might want hard proof that he's in affair before divorcing him. You may feel you want to tell your teenager you did all you could. That is understandable, too.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My marriage counselor (who I saw alone because ex said he didn't HAVE a problem, only I did)....told me exactly what I needed to hear in order to create a Plan B. 

She told me to make a decision for my life. Either stay and live that way, or figure out how to get out and have a good life of my own making. She said one idea is to give myself a time limit...mentally. Don't share it with him, but time to try to create improvements within the marriage while still working on Plan B just in case. 

I did that. I gave myself a year. I quit letting his neglect/disrespect/anger/whatever get to me. I quit taking it personal, as in "It's not my problem, he's a big boy and could be working on things." I improved my circumstances, focused on the job, increased my earning potential by taking classes. I focused on the family by mandating family night (We're going to have good, fun family time whether ya'll like it or not!) ...every Wed. we invited him to come with us (me and 5 teens)...every Wed he declined, too tired or too busy (visiting friends). I focused on friends and hobbies too... I did not need him for anything. Except, I still couldn't figure out how to support my family without him, and knew I couldn't count on him. 

I was still working on this... when about 6 months into it he walked out. He said alot of things (his feelings) which seemed ridiculous and unfounded....and never looked back. BUT, he did help me financially, for a little while anyway. And I did get on my feet. 

Soooooooooooooooo..... the point is. Do what you can to create a Plan B, do what you can to give yourself peace of mind regarding the marriage, strengthen your bonds with your girlfriends or support group. In general, start working on your life as if him leaving is a given, then either way... whether he stays or goes you will not have sat around "in limbo" doing nothing but worrying. Be productive, be proactive. 

I had all teens at home, they saw how dad was doing his own thing and not relating to the family. They also saw mom be strong, caring, working to keep the family together, and not falling apart due to his a*sholeness. I think, in the end, they had a good example of a strong mom.... to balance out the absent dad.

Just know that it's doable. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

urnotme said:


> This isn't typical behavior of him. He has been a really good man until now.


:scratchhead:
What is your definition of a good man?

You said:
Sex stopped pretty much after we got married. It was great beforehand. 
We have had financial issues 
We own a house that I purchased...He always said how he never felt like it was his home. So against my better judgement we bought a much bigger home 
I know that these types of financial issues can cause major stress for a man. I have tried everything I can think of to get him to talk to me but he just pulls farther and farther away.
I have tried everything to get him to talk to me about our sex life, but he wont. 
He denies a porn addiction (although I know he watches it). He refuses to watch it with me. 
He denies a masturbation habit. 
He denies an affair. 
I started to really buck up and demand he address this issue. He still refused to open up and talk about any reasons for it but he did agree to start to work on it. 
when his friends invited him out to their place for a party on saturday night, I couldn't go, as I have to get up super early. I told him to go and have a good time. Boy did he. He never came home, but worse than that he didn't even stay at the friends house. He claims they went out to a club and he drove home with a girl who works in his office. 
I didn't hear from him until almost noon the next day.
Since then he has gone out a couple times. 
He really acts as if nothing really bothers him. 
He keeps it all bottled up inside. 
He gets pissed off that I am upset about what happened and so I try not to bring it up. About three years he also didn't come home and was with this same woman. 
He wont give me a straight answer on anything. 
I called him today in tears while he was at lunch. He knows I am so upset. You would think he would have come home after work and try to talk to me about what we are going to do. instead he goes out for wings with a friend.

Stop making excuses for him and get your therapist to help you figure out why you feel you deserve such shoddy treatment. Because, believe me, if you didn't think you did, you would never have put up with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, in case you haven't come to this yet, he's been cheating on you with the same woman for pretty much your whole marriage.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

Thanks. I needed that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, if you kick him out, your son will see you acting like a responsible adult who loves herself and who is not willing to remain a doormat just to keep a partner in the house. Him watching you do that will help HIM not become a doormat to the first girl he meets.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This sounds like a mid-life crisis. Can happen at any age, but mostly in the 40's. They get foggy and start dreaming and exploring greener pastures, but ussually the fog lifts after much damage is done.

If you have the will and the patience, you might be able to salvage this. Buy Divorce Busting. It helped me a ton. Written by the same person who gave us the 180. BTW, you need to learn the 180 and start doing it now.

We all know how hard it is, but it is what is best for you. It will make you strong whether or not your marriage survives the fog.

Don't change the locks. This won't help you in court and is unlawful in most states. Plus it will not make things better. Be bigger and better than the WH.

Know you are not alone and take advice with a grain of salt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What midlife crisis? He stopped having sex with her as soon as they were married. He's been cheating the whole time. He married her for convenience; lots of men do. My dad did, even adopted the son, too. What is salvageable in this? 

FTR, IMO, if you separate and he sees that you will expect respectful treatment, THEN you can consider reconciliation. But this man will never do it without the separation.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Sounds like you already know he has had an affair with that woman. He is throwing old stuff in your face because it makes him feel less guilty about it. I'm sorry you are going through this. You really need to think about what you want, if you want your marriage to work, you need to sit him down and tell him it's come clean time or get out time.... you don't deserve to live like that. Not coming home would be a major deal breaker for me! Think about where your boundries are and you need to make clear to him that you have been stressed too and have let him cross them too many times and that you will not be tolerating that anymore and put them back up and get him to agree and acknowledge the boundries are back in place (since you sort of already gave him a free pass letting him get away with it that one night). don't beat yourself up about the financial things, you had your life setup and brought him into it and adjusted things to try to make him happy, the recession hit everyone in different ways, it's how we handle it and move on from it that will set those of us who recover from it apart from those who let it beat us down.


:iagree:

You should leave or else you will continue to be unhappy.

Best of luck


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

OK so here I am. Its Saturday night and he basically took off to go hang out with friends. He had a meeting today with the MC too. I guess now I am past the hurt and now I am pissed. 

I can't believe he is behaving this way. He is acting like a child. Not at all like him. I am so done feeling this way. I tried to schedule a date for us last night for an arena football game, it was such a bad experience. He is spiteful and un-remorseful. I can't go on like this. 

I was hoping I could save my family, but I am not gonna sell myself out for it. I am so sad it has com to this. I can't accept this behavior. He obviously wants greener pasture. I hope he is happy when this is all said and done. I just can't believe this is happening.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

happens to lots of others 

best of luck


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

WHY Goldmember? I just don't get it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can believe it. Easily. You keep giving him chance after chance after chance.

You are HIS DOORMAT.

You are his safety mat. 

You are his 'Oh don't worry, honey, I know you have to sow your oats, I'll be here waiting for you no matter how many women you have to screw' mate.

Feels great, doesn't it?


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

No, quite honestly it feels like crap.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

There is nothing worse than wondering whether your spouse had an affair or not. You probably already know..and your choice is now to either accept it..or deny it.

The question is...since your husband won't readily admit it..you go through counseling and try to save your marriage and see if he won't admit it there...and if not there..again..you'll need to again..somewhere find that trust elsewhere in your marriage...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

urnotme said:


> No, quite honestly it feels like crap.


 Then find your anger and take back your life.


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