# Husband ended affair-now bitter



## bossesgirl26 (Jun 19, 2011)

My husband has been having an affair for a month. He ended it on his own, no ultimatiums or anything. He ended it a week ago, then talked to her again. Now says it is over forever and there is no way the OW would even speak to him again. He ended it for good yesterday and told me he wanted to work on us and keep our family together. We have 3 children 9 and under and have been together 17 years. Today he has been very cold, distant and standoffish. He just told me a few minutes ago he is extremely bitter, pissed off and resentful to me. He said he is mad that he blew off the OW for me when he just KNOWS he could have been happy with her forever. He told me I used our children to guilt trip him into staying, that I never thought of his feelings. Really?? Gimme a break. He has an affair and is accusing me of not considering his feelings. Anyway he said that now he is destined to be the grumpy old bitter husband, who stayed and "did the right" thing but is miserable. He said nobody (our marital counselor, our Priest or me) took his happiness into consideration. And now he is mad because he has lost any chances with the OW. Is this normal right after stopping the affair? I am so flipping hurt and getting disgusted and pissed at him. Sick of the rollercoaster. Please advise. THank you.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

You have got to be kidding me. Tell him to grow the h3ll up. He took the vow for better or worst. Happiness comes from ourselves not from other people so sounds like he needs to work on himself. You cant find true happiness in someone else what a crock. Im not sure if it is normal maybe it is. Dont beat yourself up and dont let him get you down. 

Sorry im not the right person to comment on what to do but just wanted to add my .02


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## JupitersLament (May 30, 2011)

Sounds like he is just trying to justify HIS mistake by placing the blame on YOU.

YOU made him stay and do the right thing. If he had the balls he would have left you for her but HE knows that is the wrong thing to do himself.

Don't let him make you feel guilty for what he has done.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bossesgirl26 said:


> Sick of the rollercoaster. Please advise. THank you.


I get this. My stbxw has finally woken up and finished an affair lasting six months. Now she wants to walk back in "for the sake of the kids" 
I'm not angry. I'm just tired of hearing about her problems. They are not of my doing and she just wants to involve me in them.

He is still trying to shift the blame to you. He is trying to justify his actions. Let me guess.. He is trying to make it about "long standing problems in the relationship". It was never that good..
He needs to either recommit APOLOGIZE and generally see his ******* behaviour for what it is or you tell him your not interested and he should find somewhere to live. NOW.

He is not doing you any favours. You are giving him a gift. 

Don't put up with it. Please.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

bossesgirl26,

This is classic BLAME SHIFTING. Yes, it is "normal." In fact, I don't think I have ever seen a case where this didn't occur in the post-affair world. Although his level of "right up in your face with it" is a bit extreme. Most of the time it's much more passive aggressive. In either case, it's completely wrong.

The roller coaster you are on will continue for some time I'm afraid. At least until he grows up and owns up. Remember, *You* are the one giving him the second chance! 

I know it's hard..and I'm sure he's making you feel about 2 inches tall right now. Try and take pause from his outburst and find some space. If and when he starts on his rants, remind him that *HE* made the decision to cheat, *HE* made the decision to stay afterwords.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You can show him the door, if it is such a hardship to *NOT* be such a cheating idiot, then let him go.

Hire a lawyer.

You do not have to accept his crumbs or blame for his failings.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with all of these folks here. He is trying to justify HIS wrong and make no mistake, he was WRONG. 

Having said that, recognize this as well, like it or not, he is GRIEVING. He allowed himself to get emotionally tied in to another woman and that sense of security, companionship and fun is gone (in a flash no less - and that is as it should be). His emotions are more fall-out from the destructiveness of an affair and it hurts (you) badly. You don't have to take his feelings into account, he blew it, he needs to own his feelings and stop treating you like crap.

Having said all of that - and please, there is no way to overstate how wrong he is - recognizing that he is hurting deeply MAY help you help him. He was wrong but assuming you want to stay in the relationship, you are in this together, you need to recover together.

Good luck


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

rfAlaska said:


> I agree with all of these folks here. He is trying to justify HIS wrong and make no mistake, he was WRONG.
> 
> Having said that, recognize this as well, like it or not, he is GRIEVING. He allowed himself to get emotionally tied in to another woman and that sense of security, companionship and fun is gone (in a flash no less - and that is as it should be). His emotions are more fall-out from the destructiveness of an affair and it hurts (you) badly. You don't have to take his feelings into account, he blew it, he needs to own his feelings and stop treating you like crap.
> 
> ...


I'm with Alaska :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

He's breaking an addiction and in withdrawal. It's ugly, messy and painful but he'll get over it. Get a thick skin and if you don't want to listen to him...don't. Nothing he says right now will be worth listening to, he's just vomiting up the residue of his affair.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

BG26 - How did it come into the open that he was having an affair? 
If he is being so bitter towards you about it, why doesnt he just go back to the OW? He will be breaking his marriage vows and will have to suffer the consequences.
But its his choice.... Either he wants to 'repair' his marriage or he doesn't. Its also YOUR choice whether YOU can 'forgive' him for his affair and move on. You can also call time on the marriage....

Why did he have an affair in the first place?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> BG26 - Why did he have an affair in the first place?


Because he is weak, cowardly and lazy.
Are there any reasons that are valid? Nope. Just excuses.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

You have alot of control yourself, if he is being bitter etc after what he has done, why allow it??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him if he feels that way, he knows where the door is.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Yep, he's a big boy. My wife took me back but gave no pity on my resentment over losing the OW. If I wasn't happy I was more than free to walk out the door and go.

She loved me, cared about me, but was not gonna have me be a jerk and blaming her for me having an affair. Can you believe it, I had an affair but it was my wife's fault it ended. How dare she make me lose someone I cared about and loved. How dare she tell me to suck it up or get out, what about my feelings.

My wife's reply to my moping, Tough sh*t and deal with it.

BTW it took me months to get over the resentment and over a year to really get over the OW. Told my wife years later, if I was you, I would have kicked me to the curb long ago and not put up with that crap.

I had alot of ground to make up to show my wife I wasn't gonna cheat anymore and dedicate myself to her only. It was hard, more than once I thought about just walking and every time I just thought, she took me back after I cheated on her. I owe her this much to try and make our marriage work.

My wife was at the point that either I get on board with the program or she was basically gonna D me and move back home to her parents.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Blame shifting all the way, but he is grieving and he is going to have these feelings for a while, just like you will be on an emotional rollercoaster, as well. However, if he wants to work on the marriage, he is going to have to accept his responisbilities and do a lot of work to help you repair your marriage. If he is not willing to do that, then you might have to start thinking about letting him go.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

At the risk of being shot down by many of you.....

When my wife had our first child some 12 years ago we went through what probably 99% of couple go through....that is the new arrival becomes THE most important person in the house.

I expected to be at the bottom of my wifes list but did all I could to help my wife and do things for our new son - including the 4am feeds etc. 
My wife was always tired (understandably) and wasnt interested in me atall. When our son started sleeping through the night and things became easier I hoped my wife and I would atleast return to some level of physical 'normality'. 
It didnt happen. She had no desire for intimacy and was completely oblivious to me and my needs/desires.

At about this time a female work colleague started showing an 'interest' in me....paying me attention etc. One thing lead to another and I had an affair. Unfortuntately it was brought to an abrupt end when she was killed in a vehicle accident.

I know what I did was wrong and I should have been stronger. I am not here to ask for forgiveness and I am not here to be judged etc but what I do ask for is understanding.

When 'things' are not going right at home, BOTH parties are vunerable to 'wander'. There are plenty of wives on here who have also had affairs because they have not been happy in the home environment. 

What I am trying to get across is that whilst having an EA is wrong, people must understand WHY they happen.
A marriage is a team...50-50...a deal. a contract.... if one party is not doing his/her 'bit' it leaves the other party 'open'.

"If you arent having sex with your husband, you can be as sure as hell someone else is..." - the same applies to both.

So..maybe, just maybe, the reason BG26's husband had an affair was because the two of them simply werent connecting... Maybe she wasnt keeping 'her' part of the contract...??

Folks, I am NOT saying having an affair is right, because it simply isn't....all I am saying is that you can't always place all the blame at the feet of the 'adulteror'....


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

I don't think anyone wakes up one morning and says "I think I'll have an affair today". There is always a chain of circumstances. I'm also sure that in some instances the BS is perfectly innocent and has no clue. I have read it here several times, "I did everything right and still my spouse had an affair". Monogomy takes a lot of dedication and hard work because it isn't a natural state, just the best one for emotional stability and family raising. 

When two people make a commitment to monogomy and one of them suddenly changes the rules it is like an atom bomb goes off in the relationship and sometimes the pieces can be put back and sometimes not. 

When we take marriage vows we don't say "I'll keep myself only unto you as long as you give me all the sex I want" or "until I find someone who understands me better". But hindsight being 20/20 thats how people who cheat behave. And every one of them thinks their reason for doing it is the exception and the valid one. 

There is an old, old song that said "It's hard to belong to someone else when the right one comes along". What people do not understand is the belief that there is just one true love is a myth. There are many to whom we can bond and love. When we marry we "promise" to let the others go.


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## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

Wow, is he for real?? Talk about adding insult to injury, I have to agree with everyone who posted above this thread. I am a little stunned at your reaction. His is appalling, but your reaction is somewhat odd. 

You've have already counted cost? weighed all the options. So, may I ask: Did you cheat on your husband ? some time in the past or during this nightmare of a thing? 

The OW, did you know her? was she close to you two? 
Sick of the rollercoaster? Why not just get off?? Financially it would be too much of a hardship? right now? Just wondering. 

ADVICE? Lets say the roles are reversed, and my wife did this to me and felt no remorse for her behavior, even though it would generate a financial hardship on me and the family, I would be done. I would say little to nothing, I would show very little emotion, go see an attorney and access the financial damage I can salvage out of the mess. What for the best time which would be 1 week to tell our children depending on their age. Then, without notice, serve her the blue damn Folder! Because being by myself, reinventing and rebuilding myself alone is a hell of lot better staying with a loveless person who feels no remorse.

**Now maybe, just maybe, the OW seduced him! saw what she could not get out of him and also ended it. We men have been down the dumb round before.** I know a women, who had an affair, feel in love with the OTM, and when it got all exposed , he left her high and dry and refused to leave his wife?? Because he would be financially ruined! The OTM's Wife took him back??? and my friends husband forgave her somehow??? They 'the cheating wife & husband" are fine now after a few years have past, it is as if it never happened. I asked my friends husband "How did you find it within yourself to forgive her? She clearly loved him???! wanted to leave you for him? 

He said, he thought of the kids, and that he was not ready to say goodbye to his best "friend"!! especially during their most dark hour! He blamed himself for 30% of how it happened, he put his career before his wife and that was mistake #1, the rest was bound to happen". Don't know if I agree with that logic, but I respect him for it, and it did help cope with it. 

So ultimately, I guess my question to you is? 

Is your husband your Best Friend?


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Grizabella - I hear what you are saying, and I am not trying to justify what I did.

Marriage is about looking after one another. That does not just apply in the kitchen, in the garden, when feeling ill etc. It also applies in the bedroom. Sex is VERY important we we simple men! 
When we (husbands) are keeping our 'part' of the deal and 'looking after' our wives shouldn't we expect our wives to do the same? Look after OUR needs?

When they don't, we have some choices; 1) live in celibacy and go blind  2) leave and suffer the consquences 3) have our cake and eat it (ie. get the sex elsewhere)

As you said, we are not naturally monogamous....

If one spouse has had/is having an affair maybe the other partner should reflect a little bit.... Ask 'Why?'.... If husbands AND wives were a little bit more understanding of each others needs and made more of an effort, there would be far fewer affairs and far fewer divorces. Which can only ba a good thing.

Apologies if people think I'm hijacking the OP's thread! - he is being foolish in blaming it on his wife. He should thank his lucky stars she has had him back!

Or maybe she should tell him to get on his bike and leave...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> At the risk of being shot down by many of you.....
> 
> When my wife had our first child some 12 years ago we went through what probably 99% of couple go through....that is the new arrival becomes THE most important person in the house.
> 
> ...


Uh, you actually are saying having an affair is okay. Reread what you wrote and your rationalizing and justifying your actions. Then you follow it up with "unfortunately the affair came to an abrupt end". Your affair came to an end because of her death, not because you decided to do the right thing by your wife and live up to YOUR contract.
Now you lay blame at BG26's feet implying that it is her fault her scumbag husband cheated on her. No, it's not Jezza. It's HIS fault he cheated on her. HE made that choice and now HE can deal with the consequences. 
If you want to blame others for the actions of an individual, then why stop at cheaters. Lets throw in murderers and rapists as well. Afterall, nobody is accountable and we can just point fingers and say "they drove me to it", right?


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

bossesgirl26 said:


> My husband has been having an affair for a month. He ended it on his own, no ultimatiums or anything. He ended it a week ago, then talked to her again. Now says it is over forever and there is no way the OW would even speak to him again. He ended it for good yesterday and told me he wanted to work on us and keep our family together. We have 3 children 9 and under and have been together 17 years. Today he has been very cold, distant and standoffish. *He just told me a few minutes ago he is extremely bitter, pissed off and resentful to me*. He said he is mad that he blew off the OW for me when he just KNOWS he could have been happy with her forever. He told me I used our children to guilt trip him into staying, that I never thought of his feelings. Really?? Gimme a break. He has an affair and is accusing me of not considering his feelings. Anyway he said that now he is destined to be the grumpy old bitter husband, who stayed and "did the right" thing but is miserable. He said nobody (our marital counselor, our Priest or me) took his happiness into consideration. And now he is mad because he has lost any chances with the OW. Is this normal right after stopping the affair? I am so flipping hurt and getting disgusted and pissed at him. Sick of the rollercoaster. Please advise. THank you.


then he does not love you. tell him, why he is mad, does he love OW more than you.


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