# Remorseful Husband seeking strength...



## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

I had an affair. There is no excuse or reason that justifies it. 

We're both in individual therapy.

It's been two months and a week since I told her. It ended a few weeks before that.

I am ashamed, scared, remorseful and caused her so much pain. so much. I'm crying now as I type this at work. 

The night I told her, I was so ashamed, knowing I'd hurt her, and our marriage. I said I wanted to leave, that I wasn't good for her, that we weren't good for each other. She asked me to stay, to try...I wanted to run away and hide my head in the sand...to die...to just wish to go back in time and kill myself and not have done that to her. 

I told her about the affair, that I had been with and even said I love you to another woman.

The shock and pain was devastating to her. She tried so hard for a few days, so loving and kind. I was awful, willing and wanting to try, not knowing how, and just being awful in the process - defensive, being hurt, asking her to own part of the marriage problems. God, I'm crying now to think how I treated her before and after. She deserved so much more. 

After the initial shock, she was deservedly angry...ferociously, and left for family upset and destroyed. Again, I was trying to be there, but was defensive when we talked on the phone. 

She returned, confronted the other woman, and was again, angry and devastated at me and what I had done. 

While she was gone, I'd committed myself to her...to the pain I'd caused...to being a man she could love...and someone who would never hurt her again, emotionally or romantically. 

We struggled...her going from angry and devastated, to passionate and giving and back. Me, from defensive,needy,demanding, to giving and remorseful and loving and back again.

As the weeks progressed, we had good and bad strings of days. Her, still deservedly angry and hurt, so hurt. I was trying to be better, to be attentive and giving, to show her I cared. I still would be defensive, not wanting admit how awful a person I was to do that do her. I wanted to blame the moon, and not my own weak self. I learned to own it. To accept that I did it, and it was my action and mine alone.

We had dates, we had fun, we had passion, we had yelling, and fighting, and through it all, both seemed to want to try despite the roller-coaster of emotion. Some days she didn't want to think about the chance of us ever being together, some days I was an *******, other days we came together and were close and intimate and could talk of hope despite her pain. I admire so much that she could do that and offer that bit to me. I love her for it and so grateful. I didn't deserve anything of her. 

As one month turned into two, I began to get control of myself, understanding the underlying insecurity that fed my defensiveness and demands. I worked on letting it go, therapy, books, reading online, trying to be considerate and attentive of her and the pain I caused, apologetic and remorseful and change my pattern of behavior and defensiveness.

She was an angel. Trying so hard to deal with my excruciating infidelity. She said she loved me, showed me affection and care. 

Realizing she needed to care for herself, she moved out...only to move back two days later wanting to be close. I said I would be all she needed so she could heal and feel ok, about herself, even if "us" would never happen. 

For two more weeks, we struggled - her with the pain, me with changing into a considerate and loving husband that could take everything she threw at me in stride...no defensiveness or blame. Even then, I failed too often. I will get there, I will be that for her. 

In a recent weekend, she said she had hope...and wanted a great marriage in the future even if she didn't know if she would get there. We read each other's love languages, made efforts to communicate those things to each other, smiled, laughed, loved.

It was so hopeful. Within days, it was gone again. 

I treated her badly before the affair, critical and resentful. It tears my heart to look back now and see how cruel I was. To the woman I should have cherished and loved and protected.

Her pain was so much, even my remorse and daily tears hurt her to see. I'd caused her so much pain and anguish that anything good was always crushed by it. She had no more spark in her eye for me...only pain. She STILL let me hold her on occasion, and I'm crying to think how hard that is for her.

She said she needs to guard her heart, find herself and recover, and couldn't even think about us until she'd done so. I offered support for that, trying to fight my feelings that I was losing her. I'd already lost her by my own actions. I had nothing of her, except what she offered. I struggled to come to terms with that.

She wants to find herself, recover her self-esteem, be "apart" from me even though we'll be living together and around the kids. She said she might see other men, and I would have to deal with that and be in the dark, like I made her be in the dark. She says she loves me, but can't be around me as the pain is too great.

I want to be supportive of her. To offer her the space and time she needs. She says she wants to hope there is a chance for us, but doesn't know what she wants now and that I'd done too much. She is both grateful and says its unfair that now I am turning into a better man.

I told her I am here. I love her. I want her, and only her, and willing to do whatever she needs to heal, to feel whole, to get where she can feel good and decide if she wants me in her life. 

So, my question is...oh god, how?

How can I make sure to be all she needs? Even if its being away from me? I know that I deserve nothing of her, but hope that she will see the efforts I make and she will want to try. 

I fell down on my knees today crying, asking her to just please struggle to heal, to be herself and to find strength inside herself. To know that I love her, and want her, and want us. I said I would not talk to her about "us" for the rest of the month...I would work on myself to become a stronger person, a stronger father, a stronger man that she might love. My heart is on her alter, exposed, ready to take what she gives it good or bad.

PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE on how to be strong now. What can I do to make myself outlast her pain and either accept her willingness if offered, or accept her rejection if what I did makes us impossible for her. 

I want to be strong for her. to help her heal, to help her be what she needs. 

For myself, to be a better person and father and guardian of her heart if she will have me.

PLEASE HELP. What advice or resources will help me and help me help her through this period of limbo and pain and remorse and emotional separation? 

I want to be so close to her, how do I be strong and give her time, space and love from a distance?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh her being free to cheat. On that you should say no. It won't help her, and it certainly won't help the marriage recover. Not for a minute. All it will accomplish is to hurt you and make her feel ashamed and lost.

I know you want to support her, but on that you must say no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Oh her being free to cheat. On that you should say no. It won't help her, and it certainly won't help the marriage recover. Not for a minute. All it will accomplish is to hurt you and make her feel ashamed and lost.
> 
> I know you want to support her, but on that you must say no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just tell her to D you then and get it over with if she needs revenge to make things even.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Oh her being free to cheat. On that you should say no. It won't help her, and it certainly won't help the marriage recover. Not for a minute. All it will accomplish is to hurt you and make her feel ashamed and lost.
> 
> I know you want to support her, but on that you must say no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Any demand I make would be hypocritical..."don't sleep with someone, it will hurt he marriage". I did. It was wrong. How can I ask her not to? She said she doesn't even know if she will, just wants the freedom from me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Well then, you have your answer already. She wants her freedom from you, give it to her. That's the best you can do, Divorce and give her the freedom she needs.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Just tell her to D you then and get it over with if she needs revenge to make things even.


If she did do it, I think it would be from desiring to feel close and intimate with someone. My own touch is a reminder of her pain. I can't be that comfort for her. I wish I could. she tried for awhile to her credit. I love her more for trying.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Shaggy said:


> Oh her being free to cheat. On that you should say no. It won't help her, and it certainly won't help the marriage recover. Not for a minute. All it will accomplish is to hurt you and make her feel ashamed and lost.
> 
> I know you want to support her, but on that you must say no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I actually think it would be a much better idea to direct her to this site, where she could hear from other BS's how bad of an idea it is. I don't think she would actually care to hear her cheater husband tell her that SHE shouldn't cheat. I don't remember him saying he asked her permission. 

OP, you admittedly cheated, blame shifted, and did everything you could to not take responsibility for your own actions. Your wife is heartbroken. She is speaking out of that hurt. If I am being completely honest, I told me H the same thing when I found out about his affair. F*** you, I am gonna go have some fun now! You had yours, I am gonna get mine. Never did go through with it, it was just the hurt and the anger coming out.

Send her here, let some of the other BS's talk to her about why it would be a terrible idea. It is a horrible idea, but one that crosses quite a few people's minds when they have been betrayed. Even if you don't send her to THIS page, get her to her own forum where people can shed some light on what she is going through.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can and should ask her because you are walking living proof that it's an attack on a marriage. There is nothing good about it.

If you did heroin and became a addict, and put your family on the line, then recovered and came back remorseful, would you accept their right to have a spon at it?

You did wrong big time, but that does not mean you have to accept a wrong in return. Thats revenge upon you, and you do not have to accept that.

An abuse victim does not get to hit back their abuse run the future if they want too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

DawnD,

She's been here, even posted once herself. 

She said she felt less hope after reading here...so many years to recovery, so many that don't make it. 

Again, not even sure she'd do it herself. This isn't about that part...


its about....

How do I be strong while she is out discovering herself? So that I don't become needy and weak without her affection and feel hopeless that we're not working towards something.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

If I didn't already know my H's name on here, I would think you were him...

I'd say give her time. I told my WH the same thing. I moved out. Refused to commit to not seeing other men... but fact is that I didn't want intimacy with anyone. Not him, not some stranger, no one. 

But I didn't want to tell him that I wasn't going to be with anyone else. I wanted to hold on to that little piece of power.

I doubt she will be ready to go hook up with another man. She's been in a committed relationship for how long now? She still likely loves you.

I wouldn't take the step of telling her what she can and can't do during your separation. Let her figure that out on her own. I'd be willing to bet that sex with someone is the furthest thing from her mind.

If I'd had sex with someone during the first couple of months separated from my WH, I would have cried through the whole dang thing.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry you are hear. It was almost as if I was reading my own story over again.

You screwed up and confessed it all. I assume you stopped all contact as well. Now comes the hard part.

Both of you will look at your marriage in a different light. Why? Because what you did changed it for good. Just like I did mine. The level of trust you once had, is gone. It will never be 100% again.

It's good that you are both in counseling. My W isn't. I wish she was.

You must realize that you gave her power over you and your marriage. She gets to call all the shots now. And she's ticked off that she was given that assignment. 

Be strong in being 100% transparent to your wife. Spend time with her, no matter how you feel. I still feel like crap for what I did, and it's been months. 

She's going to seek assurances from you. Do your best to provide her with those. 

Good luck.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Here, not hear


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Interesting question you pose. If she would care to PM me, we are two years out from Dday and going strong. It isn't easy, but it is possible!

On the other subject, I do think you would have to lay out some sort of boundaries. Is she out trying to regain what she felt she lost during the marriage? (hobbies, college, etc) If she just wants to rediscover herself, remind of the things she loved when you met. Encourage her to get in touch with things she might have given up when you two had a family. Do this while working on yourself as well. try to encourage things to do to reconnect again. It might take a while for affection. Snails pace even. are you able to deal with that?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If she accepted you back, she chose to reconcile with you but that doesn't give her a 'get out of jail card' to go out and have an affair of her own. She either is married or she is divorced. No ifs, ands, or butts.

An affair is wrong to begin with and it doesn't matter whether it's an initial affair or a revenge affair. They are both wrong.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

BUT I wasn't good to her before. I wasn't. We had our struggles, and I feel I owe her whatever she needs to realize I am in this and that I messed up and she owes me nothing.

This question wasn't about her seeing other people, it was about how do I be strong in the face of that's her choice now...to do or not do that as she pleases. I don't think she will. If she does, I would have to live with that. I love her and want so much for her affection and forgiveness for what I did.

I fear that I will lose her completely...that the chance of a chance is slipping away...but I still want to be here in case of some little shred that it might be...my tears are flowing now...I just need strength.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You can't let her cheat on you. If she really needs to be with another man, then you need to divorce. I can promise you that no amount of extra-marital involvement will heal your marriage. Instead of each of you having 1 oz of pain, after she cheated, you would both have 4 ozs of pain.

I looked again but didn't see anything about marriage counseling. That's a must after something like this. Bring up her feelings (which are normal albeit destructive) to the counselor.

As a betrayed spouse, I can tell you that there is a part when you are angry that makes you want to run away or go screw someone else. That part of me loses any attraction as soon as I think about all the pain this whole thing caused, to everyone in my family. Her being intimate with another guy might feel nice for a few minutes, but when it was all said and done she will feel guilty, you will feel hurt, and none of your problems will be solved.

Don't appease her in this, don't feel like a hypocrite for saying no. If she must do this, tell her that you will have to end it, as painful as that will be, because you now know from personal experience that a marriage can't last with a third person involved.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ARM, What have you done to SHOW her that you are truly remorseful if I can ask? I don't want to hurt you, but had my husband acted like you did when he was found out, we wouldn't still be married right now. What are you doing to correct that situation? 

There is nothing wrong with her wanting to get in touch with things she gave up, but it should include things to bring the two of you together also. Weekly date nights, etc. Is she unsure of whether she wants to be married to you still? That could throw a huge wrench in everything.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You are treating yourself like crap because of what you did (affair) and how you treated her in the past. It's going to hurt. Eventually, you will start to use it to drive real change in yourself. It will not happen overnight. 

You might lose her. You might leave her as well. You both might make it through this and survive. Sorry to say that all options are on the table now.

Continue to be remorseful. Try not to beg so much. Instead, act, with remorse by being who she needs you to be and who you want to be. Don't be someone you can't be. That's another lie.

Keep talking with her about normal things like her day, chores that need to be done, etc. Remember the kind things that you have done for her in the past, and just do them when it feels right. Don't say "look what I did!" when you do them.

She needs to see you be remorseful, and also strong enough to help her get through this.

There is no quick fix pill for what you need. Understand and accept that it will take time.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There are very few marriages that survive going the route of 'open marriage' and those are the ones where the relationship between spouses is stronger than steel. The same cannot be said about your marriage.

If you choose to allow her to turn the marriage into an 'open marriage' you will loose her and then you will have nobody to blame but yourself. Count on it.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Oh her being free to cheat. On that you should say no. It won't help her, and it certainly won't help the marriage recover. Not for a minute. All it will accomplish is to hurt you and make her feel ashamed and lost.
> 
> I know you want to support her, but on that you must say no.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not think it is cheating. He voided the contract by breaking its terms, already. She has no obligation to remain faithful. 
So, I think he shoud let her experience as much gratification as he did , so things will be fair.
Once the playing field is more level, and she has had a chance for the same type of fun and excitement, maybe she will be willing to reconcile.
No sense her going through life without having partaken in similar pleasurable activity.I am sure ,if he loves her, he would not want her to miss out on the fun he had.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

DawnD said:


> ARM, What have you done to SHOW her that you are truly remorseful if I can ask?


I have:

Had zero contact. 

Been honest and transparent in even the hard things - like saying that I did say I love you, a recounting of all the times I'd seen her

Had my computer at work and home and my phone monitored for calls, txts and web sites visited

Been home right away after work, never being alone or out unless with her or the kids.

My tears, my many many apologies and admitting that it was all my fault, my choice, my excruciating mistake. 

Me, on my knees, telling her what a wonderful person she is and for dealing with me at all, that she owes me nothing but I want to hope for us. 

Offer to be supportive and be considerate even if she decides to leave me.

Taking a more active role in the kids lives and making our lives better, being more in tune with their needs and feelings.

Willingness to be at her disposal to talk, rant to, invite her on dates, arrange babysitting and such.

I've been in counseling, and have read and practiced being a better person and identifying my patterns and how to avoid them

I've been excellent around the home, helping out wherever and whenever.

I'm attentive and considerate of her at all times, fetching, getting her things, asking if she needs anything, making lunches and breakfasts.

I've taken a day a week off work to spend with her or support her time to get out of the house, and take evenings as often as she needs them.

I've taken her on dates as often as we're able to and she is in the mood for.



DawnD said:


> There is nothing wrong with her wanting to get in touch with things she gave up, but it should include things to bring the two of you together also. Weekly date nights, etc. Is she unsure of whether she wants to be married to you still? That could throw a huge wrench in everything.


She is absolutely unsure...if she wants to commit more of her life to someone that hurt her so badly. I want to give her time and space, but wanted to come close together, too. The pain is just too much and I cry knowing I've lost her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You haven't lost her until she says it's over.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

well, you may just have to face the fact that infidelity is dealbreaker for the majority of folks. It is just too big a hit.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

It may be a dealbreaker for her.

I have committed to trying and being good to her regardless of her decision. 

I've lost her already, I just hope she could want to.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It may be, and it may not be. That's her decision. It could be a deal breaker now, or in the future (years). That's the risk we cheaters have to live with. 

Regardless, you need to be a better person. Do it for her, and you.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Time will tell. Not much more you
can do, IMO, other than what you are doing. Some folks get past it, others do not.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long was your affair? Did she know the OW? 

Right now you cannot even begin to fathom how she is feeling or what it feels like to her. There are simply no words to properly describe how bad it f-cks the betrayed up in the head. The pain doesn't even come close to anything you have ever felt or experienced before.

Ask her what you need to do in order to prove yourself to her. Definitely no contact with teh OW--for as long as you live. You must show her through ACTIONS you are committed to your marriage, because talk is cheap.

You do sound very remorseful. What a difference from some posters that come on here. 

If she wants to take you back and save the marriage, great. If not, it's a loss you are going to have to accept.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

When you talk to her and take full responsibility for your actions, etc. is she listening to you? Or are her eyes glazing over because she doesn't believe you? I will admit to her it probably looks like you are just trying to get her to get over it already. (Not saying that is the case, but its probably how she see's it). 

Do you understand that she is probably still under the impression you are lying to her? She is going to wonder if this is the only affair, and if you are telling her everything. It can haunt people for a really long time, the unknown. Even if you are telling the absolute truth, she is still going to question it. Have you talked about marriage counseling?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Arnold said:


> I do not think it is cheating. He voided the contract by breaking its terms, already. She has no obligation to remain faithful.


In that case, then they should just make it official and 'bury the body' via a divorce.



> So, I think he shoud let her experience as much gratification as he did , so things will be fair.
> Once the playing field is more level, and she has had a chance for the same type of fun and excitement, maybe she will be willing to reconcile.


Nobody is stoping her from having an affair, if that is what she wants. But just because he had an affair doesn't mean that he has to agree to stay married to her. Two wrongs don't make a right.



> No sense her going through life without having partaken in similar pleasurable activity.I am sure ,if he loves her, he would not want her to miss out on the fun he had.


She can experience those same pleasures without compromising her integrity.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> In that case, then they should just make it official and 'bury the body' via a divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

No one said he had to agree to stay married, but he surely can't tell her she can't have an affair. She wasn't invited to chime in when he decided to have his. Sure he can tell her he wants a divorce if she is going to cheat.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

DawnD said:


> No one said he had to agree to stay married, but he surely can't tell her she can't have an affair. She wasn't invited to chime in when he decided to have his. Sure he can tell her he wants a divorce if she is going to cheat.


Nobody can tell his/her spouse what to do, whether they've been faithful or not. But we do have an obligation to us and to our spouses to let them know of our boundaries. If she steps out and has an affair of her own, then he is under no obligation to stay married to her - if that is a boundary of his.

An RA usually only makes things worse. The problem is that he believes that he should endure an RA because of his affair and that is simply not true.

The worst thing I did to my cheating ex-wife was not to take her offer to have an RA of my own but to simply divorce her. That hurt her 1000 times worse.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am very aware of that, matter of fact in my first post I mentioned its a terrible idea. But I also think that she is speaking mainly out of anger, just like I did after I found out about my H's affair. Completely possible.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

I can't demand she doesn't. I have no say anymore.

I thought she was before, and it devastated me with just the thought of it. I know I will go crazy if she does. But that's my cross to carry now. :-( 

BUT, that's not the question...

What would help me be strong and cope with being supportive of her while I can't offer comfort and affection to her because of the pain she is in?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I know it's not the main thing you are concerned about but, if she does have an A of her own...if you think you feel bad now, just wait. Trust me, been there done that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I hope that is the case Dawn because if I had taken the route of an RA, I know myself well enough to know that I would have had a very hard time looking myself in the mirror and liking what I saw.

For all the pain and agony I endured being a betrayed husband, I would never switch places with my remorseful ex-wife.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wouldn't either. But the thought sure did cross my mind, and it only crossed my mind when I got into that deep well of pain that felt like he should have a taste of it as well. I think it can be a very natural reaction, especially if he wasn't treating her well. She tells herself " I put up with all this sh** and he was out having a good time. my turn". I said the same thing, and I KNEW it was the anger talking. She is only two months out, I am betting she is in that same boat. Hope so at least.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ARemorsefulMan, please consider bringing your wife on board as a member of the CWI forum of TAM. She will be given the emotional support she needs and the knowledge that she is not alone in her pain and suffering. But most importantly, she will know that if we can make it through the ordeal, she can make it - no matter what the outcome of the marriage turns out to be.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

morituri said:


> In that case, then they should just make it official and 'bury the body' via a divorce.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It is not a wrong if the contract was already broken.So, the two wrongs cliche is not applicable. 
But, it is cleaner if she divorces first, as some folks do not look at this from the contractual angle.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

morituri said:


> I hope that is the case Dawn because if I had taken the route of an RA, I know myself well enough to know that I would have had a very hard time looking myself in the mirror and liking what I saw.
> 
> For all the pain and agony I endured being a betrayed husband, I would never switch places with my remorseful ex-wife.


The situation is entirely different. Your marital contract was voided, so there would be no affair. JMHO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I know it's not the main thing you are concerned about but, if she does have an A of her own...if you think you feel bad now, just wait. Trust me, been there done that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Spot on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This whole "contract" idea you have is amazing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Arnold said:


> It is not a wrong if the contract was already broken.So, the two wrongs cliche is not applicable.
> But, it is cleaner if she divorces first, as some folks do not look at this from the contractual angle.


Arnold, you seem to be a guy who knows his way around the law a bit. So you have to know - or ought to know - that a contract does not automatically void upon a breach. Or, better stated, one party to a contract is not automatically free to commit his or her own breach based upon a breach by the other party. If what you claim were true and the law were so simple - and it isn't - there would be a lot more out-of-work lawyers and judges.
The fact is, as long as the aggrieved party voluntarily continues with the marriage, i.e. the contract, then she voluntarily continues to live under its terms. Even if the other party did not.
Practically speaking, no one could reasonably argue extramarital activity after filing for divorce, but while awaiting a dissolution order, is infidelity. But before filing, or while considering/attempting reconciliation, she binds herself to the terms as if no breach occurred on the other end. And any infidelity would be just as much a breach as his. 
While life may be simpler if it did, the fact is contract law does not allow tit-for-tat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Arnold, you seem to be a guy who knows his way around the law a bit. So you have to know - or ought to know - that a contract does not automatically void upon a breach. Or, better stated, one party to a contract is not automatically free to commit his or her own breach based upon a breach by the other party. If what you claim were true and the law were so simple - and it isn't - there would be a lot more out-of-work lawyers and judges.
> The fact is, as long as the aggrieved party voluntarily continues with the marriage, i.e. the contract, then she voluntarily continues to live under its terms. Even if the other party did not.
> Practically speaking, no one could reasonably argue extramarital activity after filing for divorce, but while awaiting a dissolution order, is infidelity. But before filing, or while considering/attempting reconciliation, she binds herself to the terms as if no breach occurred on the other end. And any infidelity would be just as much a breach as his.
> While life may be simpler if it did, the fact is contract law does not allow tit-for-tat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Without new consideration it is null and unenforceable. I can see an argument that if she continues , he may be able to make some type of promissary estoppel argument re consideration.
But, this early on post discovery, I do not see how there has been any significant real new consideration.
One is allowed to mitigate upon a material breach by the other party, and having a new relationship of her own would seem to qualify as mitigation.
Don't you love this., Pidge?


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

Morituri,

She's been on here.

She read a lot, posted once.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Remorseful, check out the marriagebuilders program. 
In addition to possibly using it, watch the free video on the homepage and let your wife see it, too.Perhaps if she gets the impression that you have some true appreciation for the severity of the trauma you inflicted, this will help her. That video is very powerful and really describes what it is like.
I think the program itself, the counseling and the weekend retreat(here in MN-nice in January )are worth the cost.


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

I was attempting to use that program...radical honesty and such.

She hasn't had an interest in working through any program as a couple...we did one MC together, she and I didn't have faith in the therapist. There were some bright moments in the last month. She tried, really tried and I love her for it. The pain was too much for now, and I just hope that someday it might not be. 

Since, she's only agreed to do individual. 

Her interest now is only in getting somewhere she can feel good...the marriage is off to the side. 

I wish it were different, but she needs to heal herself first.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Yeah, well , that program is said to be workable by one spouse, at least initially. I think it is quite common that the BS is so hurt and pissed that he or she will not paricipate for a while.
I know there are no guarantees.But, if she sees you actually investing time and $$ and energy inot something alleged to work, it sends a clear message that you are serious.
I sort of hate the board over there on that site, as a few devotees are almost groupie ike in their devotion. I think Harley , himself, may be a bit put off by thir mindless droning and blind adherence.
But, the guy , himself ,is pretty straight(although a bit sexist). 
What do you have to lose?My therapist tld me that in his MC practice he has about a 10% success rate. MC might be a crock when it comes to healing from infidelity.
I mean, let's face it, these are psych majors not neurosurgeons(or attorneys)


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## ARemorsefulMan (Dec 12, 2011)

Here's where I am at today.

I love her. I'm excited to love her. I'm not going to be some weak fool who is afraid of life. I love her. I love life, my kids, and want to make the best of it all. 

I'm excited to love her and offer my heart in hopes she will someday look at it again, a sideways glance at first, a loving gaze next, and finally, reach out. I want the possibility of that.

I will be here for that. I'm not afraid. I will be hurt if she can never get there, but I won't be afraid. I will take the hurt and still love life. I just want her to feel good...to love life again and to be the man she can care about, as a husband or a mere friend.

If she can only do that without me, so be it. I will be devastated but happy for her.

If she can find it to someday do that WITH me, I will be so, so lucky.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

ARemorsefulMan said:


> PLEASE HELP. What advice or resources will help me and help me help her through this period of limbo and pain and remorse and emotional separation?


Only thing you can do is act like your marriage is more important than other things.

If you are truly remorseful, then you let your wife be the boss for a while.

She says jump, you say "how high??"

She tells you that you are not going out with the guys, then you stay your ass at home.

You let her be in charge. For a while. If you are about to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable, but you want to do it anyway, like going out for drinks with friends, then sorry, you blew that privilege for a while.

Basically you do as she says. If you aren't willing, then you need to set her free.


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