# Should we just divorce?



## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

Or am I just being crazy?

We have been married 24 years. Have 2 great kids, both are in college soon. About 10 years ago I started noticing my wife was becoming less affectionate. I am not talking about sex, just the little things, the little touches, the "i love you's" on the phone etc. the little stuff. It started becoming very routine. She is a great person and mom, but before we had kids she was a whole different person. She used to ask ME for sex. Now it never happens, we have sex a lot, but it's ALWAYS my idea. I am starting to believe she is just not interested, but goes along with it just to make me happy. I don't feel attractive, even though I have a lot of female friends who say I am. I do theatre locally and work with some great women.

One of them gave me a book last year about 5 love languages and I immediately understood the problem. My love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. Hers is very clearly acts of service. I was excited, now I knew how to get through to her. I sat down and showed her. And for a while it worked. She tried and it was great. She made a real effort for a few months. But then she just stopped. It went right back to the way it was. So at the beginning of this year I talked to her about counseling. Her response was everything is fine, life is good there are couples with real problems that we don't have. But she agreed to go and we went. After the 3rd session she quit. She felt that we were ganging up on her, even though the counselor was a woman. 

Our daughter was doing a musical at school for her senior year and getting ready to graduate. I ended up in the hospital with gallstones. My wife was angry at me for going to the hospital late one night without telling her. Because she was sick and I knew she would stay the whole time and just get sicker. This was in April. There were a lot of graduation activities etc.so she was very busy and I didn't want to bug her so I let things go.

Now all that stuff is over. Schools out. So I approached her about going back to counseling. She flat refused. That was very concerning to me. She basically said if it isn't good enough for me now maybe we are just done. It's very disturbing that she can just say it so easily. I don't want to divorce, but maybe it's just time?

Thanks for your time!


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Sounds like divorce is on your wife's mind too. If she is that quick to say that if you don't like it to divorce her , you might have to do just that. I would start doing your own thing and living life for you. Get out more without her and see if she cares. Work out a lot. If nothing changes get out.


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

Stang197 said:


> Sounds like divorce is on your wife's mind too. If she is that quick to say that if you don't like it to divorce her , you might have to do just that. I would start doing your own thing and living life for you. Get out more without her and see if she cares. Work out a lot. If nothing changes get out.


I do my theatre shows. So that's my thing. She supports it most of the time. I neglected to say I am 50 and she is 48. I am in better shape and a couple of women have been very attentive. But I don't want to have an affair. I don't want to destroy the family. I just want her to act like I matter and she cares.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I could have wrote this by own hand. 

I have been married 21 years. 1 kid in high school the other in jr high. Before kids our sexlife would have made porn stars blush. Even some amazing and outlandish stuff after kids ( we were swingers for a good number of years, Pretty much retired from that and living a more less traditional lifestyle now) and our love languages are the exact same as yours. 

But things are completely different now and it is a whole different life. 

In many ways it is like we went to the well too many times and now that well is dry. 

Menopause has been a huge factor for us and assuming you didn't get married when your wife was 16, it is a good bet "The Change" is playing a significant role in your situation as well.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

dolphindad50 said:


> Stang197 said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like divorce is on your wife's mind too. If she is that quick to say that if you don't like it to divorce her , you might have to do just that. I would start doing your own thing and living life for you. Get out more without her and see if she cares. Work out a lot. If nothing changes get out.
> ...



She is counting on you to not want to destroy your family. That is her ticket to act like this without consequences. She also knows that divorce court favors her in most cases. It makes women feel like they can do whatever they want.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I could have wrote this by own hand.
> 
> I have been married 21 years. 1 kid in high school the other in jr high. Before kids our sexlife would have made porn stars blush. Even some amazing and outlandish stuff after kids ( we were swingers for a good number of years, Pretty much retired from that and living a more less traditional lifestyle now) and our love languages are the exact same as yours.
> 
> ...


Menopause doesn't make a woman not give a **** about her relationship to the point she refuses to address a problem when her spouse comes to her with one, refuse to attend counseling, and say essentially "if you don't like it then divorce me.".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Menopause doesn't make a woman not give a **** about her relationship to the point she refuses to address a problem when her spouse comes to her with one, refuse to attend counseling, and say essentially "if you don't like it then divorce me.".


I think life experience might do that.

And menopause usually comes after quite a bit of life experience.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Stang197 said:


> Sounds like divorce is on your wife's mind too. If she is that quick to say that if you don't like it to divorce her , you might have to do just that. I would start doing your own thing and living life for you. Get out more without her and see if she cares. Work out a lot. If nothing changes get out.


I am going to urge caution here. 

Divorce may not be on her mind at all. In fact if she is like my wife, she is perfectly happy with the status quo and would not consider initiating a divorce herself at all. 

However, at 48 years old, with kids out of the house, becoming menopausal (and I am going to assume some form of her own personal income) she's just simply not going to put up with someone else's whining and complaining and crap. 

A 24 year old never-married and no-kids woman's hormones and maternal drives are going to be screaming at her to get married and start raising a family and she is going to walk barefoot over hot coals to answer Mother Nature's call. She will tolerate a lot of crap and will do deep knee bends and backflips to do it. 

A 48 year old, menopausal woman who's kids are grown, is not going to put up with much crap at all. 

It may not be that she wants a divorce per se. But if he needs to chase tail so bad and is whining and moaning and b1+ch1ng about it, she may be perfectly OK with him packing his stuff and going for it. 


This is going to be on him and will be his choice. She's probably not going to bend much either way. 

she's never going to have that hot, burning, driving passion driving her sexuality any more. She's never going to be that young women who's hormones are driving her into the throes of passion. 

Will she want some closeness and affection and such? Sure. We all have that until will die. 

Will she be willing to offer some BJs and some HJs and maybe even get down with him now and then to keep him from being miserable? Probably, as long as he is kind and nice and respectful about it and she is a decent person. 

But it is a fact of life that if he wants that yearning, burning, consuming desire again, he is going to have to find a younger woman. 

Here's the part that makes people squirm in their seats and makes people curl their brow and tongue-click - middle aged men that are in good shape, take care of themselves and their appearance and are financially secure, are able to get younger women that still have a number of years of sex drive left in them. 

It will be up to his own character, values, moral-compass, temperments etc etc on whether he chooses to go that route or not.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> I am going to urge caution here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Completely agree with this.



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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

I should say she does wake me up with a little BJ on work mornings. And she is very active during sex. But I would trade that for a little hug while I am sitting at my desk, or an I Love You before I leave the house.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Menopause doesn't make a woman not give a **** about her relationship to the point she refuses to address a problem when her spouse comes to her with one, refuse to attend counseling, and say essentially "if you don't like it then divorce me.".


IMHO that was a reaction to his whining and complaining. I think that was just calling his bluff. 

that is just my gut reaction though. If she is serious, that is a whole other story. 

How is how to differentiate between a loving and dutiful wife sick of his whining and calling his bluff vs someone who truly doesn't care and is perfectly willing to walk away -

- see a lawyer and draw up divorce papers along with a thorough plan for the fair and equitable division of marital assets and plan for the housing and insurance etc of each partner etc etc. Then schedule a series of appointments with an MC and take her to the MC, lay out all the issues and give the option of addressing the issues and working out a plan for staying married as Plan A.

Or offer the divorce and division of assets and a new life for each party as Plan B. 

No whining. No complaining. No lamenting over loss of days gone by. Just a matter of fact - "This isn't working for me. We either fix it and move forward. Or we equitably part ways and live own our lives." 

If she takes the papers and signs them. then you have your answer.


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I am going to urge caution here.
> 
> Divorce may not be on her mind at all. In fact if she is like my wife, she is perfectly happy with the status quo and would not consider initiating a divorce herself at all.
> 
> ...


I do make a lot more money than her. And am far more active socially. But I wouldn't cheat on her. And the opportunity has presented itself. I don't drink, smoke. I am a musician. I do very well financially now, but we went through some lean years for sure. To answer the question, no, she does not want a divorce. I asked her point blank. But she said if that's what makes me happy she will deal with it. But I don't want one at all. I love her and am happy. SO maybe I just get over my old school idea of what love is?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

But let's get back to the topic at hand. 

Dolphin, you've been married 24 years and your wife is 48 years old and the kids are grown. 

The good news is you are still sexually active and she is still engaging with you. That puts you in the 95th percentile of 50 year old men that have been married over 20 years. Let's always keep that in the back of our minds. 







More in a moment......


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But let's get back to the topic at hand.
> 
> Dolphin, you've been married 24 years and your wife is 48 years old and the kids are grown.
> 
> ...


See, that's what I mean. This is both of our first marriages, and the first time I have been 50. Maybe I should be glad it's lasted this long and keep my mouth shut. Maybe the romance gets replaced by comfort at that age?


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

Last night she went to karaoke night at a local bar with me and some of my theatre friends, and we had a great time. We hadn't gone out like that in YEARS.

Maybe that is her way of showing me she does love me?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The bad news is she is never going to be a 21 year old sexpot again. 

Depending on how good your abz are and how good your "game" is, you may be able to score some tail off of some 20-somethings here and there when they are drunk and have just broke up with their boyfriends and need some validation and nuturing. But unless you find a Sugar Baby or a real damaged chick with some serious daddy issues, you are never going to make a new life with one. 

A divorced 38 year old with 3 kids in school of her own, sure. But a pretty, single one with no kids in her 20s that isn't a complete train wreck???? Sorry Bro, ain't happening. 


So with all that in mind, let's come down to earth and go over realistic options -


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

dolphindad50 said:


> See, that's what I mean. This is both of our first marriages, and the first time I have been 50. Maybe I should be glad it's lasted this long and keep my mouth shut. Maybe the romance gets replaced by comfort at that age?


Things might change the second time you turn 50. Until then.....enjoy what you have.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> The bad news is she is never going to be a 21 year old sexpot again.
> 
> Depending on how good your abz are and how good your "game" is, you may be able to score some tail off of some 20-somethings here and there when they are drunk and have just broke up with their boyfriends and need some validation and nuturing. But unless you find a Sugar Baby or a real damaged chick with some serious daddy issues, you are never going to make a new life with one.
> 
> ...


He isn't looking for sexpot. He's looking for affection. There are plenty of women 48 plus who can become aware of what their husband's love language is and try to show him love that way. And there are plenty of women that age who are affectionate, caring, and PASSIONATE.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Here are your basic options and I will discuss each option in their own posts. 

Here are your basic options -

1. put your energies into making the most of what you have. It will involve some concessions and compromise and a certain degree of sucking it up, but basically it is accepting this as a fact of age and long term marriage. 

2. working out some form of consensual nonmonogamy arrangement. ie swinging, open marriage, polyamory etc

3. getting some on the side without her knowledge or consent. ie cheating. 

4. fair and equitable divorce and each moving own with your own lives. 

Those are you 4 basic, realistic options. Each has their own pros and cons. Each has their own costs and benefits.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Menopause doesn't make a woman not give a **** about her relationship to the point she refuses to address a problem when her spouse comes to her with one, refuse to attend counseling, and say essentially "if you don't like it then divorce me.".
> ...


Then , be prepared when she signs it . 

I think my ex-H was trying " the divorce stunt " when we fought over his financial irresponsibility n his blood suckers family . I pushed him to do or divorce n i meant it . He divorced me first telling me to accept status quo . I signed . Now he's still crying regret after 4 years . 

I was hurt badly but I moved on . He's not worth it . The kids are pissed with him .

So , u may want to have a deeper talk to solve the problem , instead of focusing on your own needs .


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

#1. for starters, if you were one of these schleps that is on here complaining that your wife hasn't had sex with you in 2 years, I'd say you are barking up the wrong tree and to make a clean break. 

However it sounds like you two are fundamentally solid and that you do in fact have some marital interaction and activities - it's not to the volume and the intensity that you desire. 

In other words it's an issue of degrees and not content. 

IMHO this is totally manageable. You'll never live the porn life again. There will be concessions and compromise on your part. 

But, I do believe that a reasonable and sustainable amount of affection and sexuality can be a part of your marital life. 

I suggest researching into Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life" books and blogs. That lists an algorithmic approach to breathing some of the fire back into a long-term marriage. 

MC can also be very beneficial. The catch here is that she is perfectly ok with the status quo and you are the dissatisfied party here so you will have to make her understand the seriousness and the consequences here. 

And you will have to do it in a manner that is serious but nonpassionate, and most importantly NOT come off as whining and complaining and petty. 

.....and it does seem petty to her because she is getting all of the sex and affection that she wants. 

You are the one that is going to have to draw a line in the sand and make a stand for your needs. 

You basically have to finish the follow statement for yourself - "in order for me to be in a healthy and happy marriage, I need...................." 

That is what the MC will have you address. 

This will take work and effort and each of you will need to make concessions and compromise if you want to remain as a marital unit.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

#2. may actually be a viable option for you. 

At your stage in life and status of your household - personal values, religious beliefs and your own moral codes are really the only thing that eliminate swinging/open marriage/polyamory from being discussed and looked into as an option. 

I am mostly an armchair swinger and Monday morning quarterback on issues of consensual nonmonogamy now. We have only had a handful of encounters the last few years with the last being a little before this past holiday season, but we were active swingers for basically 10 years. It worked for us and it works fine for certain couples. 

You are at a life stage where the stakes are different. You are no longer raising minor children. You are no longer at a point where anyone in your family will be damaged or devastated by divorce. Is complete sexual exclusivity really a necessity now or could both of you be afforded to have a little extra fun and excitement that involves other bodies in bed?

She may be down with it. She may be fine with getting a little extra help keeping your tank drained. 

She may want a little sump'n-sump'n herself. Would you be cool with that if it meant that the fires in her furnace were stoked more and she was more sexually charged at home? 

These are things to think about and discuss. 

she may surprise you. That 24 year old that wanted a home and family may have fought tooth and nail to keep other women away from you and she was willing to sacrifice her own carnal desires for the sake of the home and marriage. 

But now that she 48 and the kids are gone, she may be perfectly ok with some others coming into and out of the marital bed. 

It's worth consideration.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

#3. I don't support or advocate adultery except for maybe as someone is walking out the door after years of extreme and intentional neglect and deprivation on the part of the BS. 

You are not an example of neglect of deprivation so I will not discuss this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

#4. Divorce is pretty self-explanatory. 

It may cost you a few thousand bucks in lawyer fees and court costs and you will have to divide the marital assets equitably. 

But after that you are free to do as you want. 

Only you can decide if that is worth it to you are not.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

tripad said:


> Then , be prepared when she signs it .
> 
> I think my ex-H was trying " the divorce stunt " when we fought over his financial irresponsibility n his blood suckers family . I pushed him to do or divorce n i meant it . He divorced me first telling me to accept status quo . I signed . Now he's still crying regret after 4 years .
> 
> ...


This.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

dolphindad50 said:


> I should say she does wake me up with a little BJ on work mornings. And she is very active during sex. But I would trade that for a little hug while I am sitting at my desk, or an I Love You before I leave the house.




You're thinking of divorcing your wife of 20+ years because she doesn't give you little hugs and say I love you enough to your liking?

Seems like you are trying really hard to find excuses. This usually happens when a partner is trying to justify leaving or having an affair. They demonize the spouse. This is what my sister in law did with my brother in law. You would laugh at the stupid stuff she came up with. 

Now tell us more about the women that have shown interest in you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling for you.

That might help you be better for you and also be a better you for her.


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Counselling for you.
> 
> That might help you be better for you and also be a better you for her.


She had suggested I go to counseling myself. Maybe that's a good idea.


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

soccermom2three said:


> You're thinking of divorcing your wife of 20+ years because she doesn't give you little hugs and say I love you enough to your liking?
> 
> Seems like you are trying really hard to find excuses. This usually happens when a partner is trying to justify leaving or having an affair. They demonize the spouse. This is what my sister in law did with my brother in law. You would laugh at the stupid stuff she came up with.
> 
> Now tell us more about the women that have shown interest in you?


I am thinking about it because SHE brought it up. Not me. I don't want anything to do with it. But she shows no interest in counseling and I don't know what else to do. I guess the best thing is just for me to get used to no affection, no passion and live out my life. At least I won't die alone.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

dolphindad50 said:


> She had suggested I go to counseling myself. Maybe that's a good idea.


Let's differentiate between IC and MC.

With IC you are the client and the counselor will advocate for your best interests and well being. He/she will help you make up your mind whether it is best for you to work things out in your marriage or move on on your own. If you appear that your primary interest lay outside your marriage, the counselor will basically support you in divorcing and making a new life for yourself without much regard for your wife's or your family's interests. 

In a nutshell, if it seems like you are done with your marriage and you are wanting to take up with someone else, the IC will advocate you divorce your wife and take you best shot with the other woman/women. The IC will basically advocate what is in YOUR best interests.

In MC the marriage is the client and the counselor advocates you and your wife working collaboratively together in the best interests of the marriage. The counselor will try to open the channels of communication help each party communicate the wants and needs to the other. They will also focus on conflict resolution skills and techniques a lot. MC will often boil down to a series of mutual concessions and compromises to where each party gives a little in an effort to save the union and maintain the household. 

So the bottom line here is IC is for YOU and MC is for the marriage.

If your prime directive here is to preserve the marriage and improve the marriage and come to a mutually beneficial solution as a couple - then MC is clearly the better option and IC may actually be somewhat deleterious. 

On the other hand if your prime directive is your own personal fulfillment and happiness in life and your wife and marriage may or may not be a part of that and may be a necessary casualty of your own well being - then IC may be the better option.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

.... And your wife needs to understand that she is taking a big risk by saying -"..this is YOUR problem. YOU go to IC and fix it.."

What she may not understand is the IC counselor may advocate leaving her behind.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> .... And your wife needs to understand that she is taking a big risk by saying -"..this is YOUR problem. YOU go to IC and fix it.."
> 
> What she may not understand is the IC counselor may advocate leaving her behind.


As a side note; this is something I don't think a lot of people fully grasp. 

individual counsellors and therapists do not automatically advocate their clients staying married. (Marital counsellors don't either for that matter but their focus is different). 

If they believe that their clients will be better off on their own, they will reccomend and support divorce. I'm not sure people fully understand that. 

So as a Public Service Announcement - If your spouse approaches you and is requesting MC, think long and hard before telling them that the issue is theirs to work out and that they should seek IC instead. They may be paying someone $100/hour to encourage them to dump your arse.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

dolphindad50 said:


> I should say she does wake me up with a little BJ on work mornings. And she is very active during sex.


You do realize you're in a marriage that most guys on these boards would give their eye teeth for? I don't care what you're love language is, that takes effort and there isn't a wife in a hundred that does that, let alone a menopausal mom! I advise you to start counting...and thanking...your lucky stars. Anytime my wife exerts herself on my behalf, I'm thankful, even if what she's doing isn't a perfect match for my "love language." 



dolphindad50 said:


> But I would trade that for a little hug while I am sitting at my desk, or an I Love You before I leave the house.


Are you sure you're a man?
Sorry, I couldn't help it >... that just sounds so stereotypically feminine. 

Unless there are other obvious indicators of a failed relationship, I don't think this is cause for either bringing up the D word. Need to find out what else is going on. If I had a dollar for the difference in the number of times I've initiate "I Love Yous" with my wife and the number of times she has with me, we could both retire to the tropics with a harem of mistresses/gigolos! I don't take it personal in the absence of other failing indicators.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You do realize you're in a marriage that most guys on these boards would give their eye teeth for? I don't care what you're love language is, that takes effort and there isn't a wife in a hundred that does that, let alone a menopausal mom! I advise you to start counting...and thanking...your lucky stars. Anytime my wife exerts herself on my behalf, I'm thankful, even if what she's doing isn't a perfect match for my "love language."
> 
> 
> Are you sure you're a man?
> ...



Your points are valid and yes there are legions of men that would give anything for what the OP is currently getting, so I don't want this to sound like I am disagreeing or contradicting your message.

But just to clarify something, I do get the context of where the OP is coming from. 

He wants some signs of her spontaneously doing something of her initiative that shows he is still desirable and she still desires him. 

A morning BJ may or may not do that depending on context.

Dudes blow other dudes in prison all the time but it doesn't have anything to do with affection or desire. They do it so they don't get their @$$es kicked or for protection so they don't get butt-raped by a rival gang or someone even bigger and meaner than the dude they are blowing.

When a husband feels in his heart that his wife is just providing "Duty Sex" to shut him up or to keep him from divorcing her at this particular moment, it really does lose almost all of its value. 

A decent man who loves and desires his wife, has a very strong need for her desire him. A BJ may be physically pleasant, but if done out of duty or duress, it's just not the same.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Your points are valid and yes there are legions of men that would give anything for what the OP is currently getting, so I don't want this to sound like I am disagreeing or contradicting your message.
> 
> But just to clarify something, I do get the context of where the OP is coming from.
> 
> ...



All good analysis... which I had considered. The reason I didn't see it is just "duty sex" was based on OPs description not just of BJs (which appear frequent which seems to go beyond just duty), but more explicitly OP's statement that wife is "very active" when they have sex. Duty sex is usually not so participative. 

Maybe OP could clarify his impressions of wife's participation? The words "Active Duty" go together in military service, but in sex, not so much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you read 5 Love Languages. Did you read His Needs Her Needs? It takes 5LL and moves it beyond that, into action. It talks about the 'love languages' - Emotional Needs in HNHN. But it also talks about Love Busters - ways in which you make each other unhappy. So the plan that comes with it include learning the ENs and LBs, removing the LBs, meeting the ENs, as well as spending 10 to 15 hours together doing the same kinds of things you would be doing if you were still dating. It's that time together, the dating, that keeps you both in love with each other, looking forward to time together, smiling when you think of each other. That is how you get the hugs and kisses back.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dolphindad50 said:


> I should say she does wake me up with a little BJ on work mornings. And she is very active during sex. But I would trade that for a little hug while I am sitting at my desk, or an I Love You before I leave the house.


Dolphindad, let's be frank here, if she wasn't giving your BJs in the mornings or active during sex but hugged you regularly and said I love you too every morning, I am sure you would be on here complaining that she never gave you BJs or had active sex.

Let me ask you a few questions

1. Have you ever cheated on her?
2. How much effort do you put into her? Do you take her on surprise dates, do you buy her flowers, do you surprise her with coffee in bed, do you give her thoughtful gifts. etc.
3. During your married life, how much time and attention did you give her? Or where you busy with your career for example.
4. How was your marriage for the most part, any major downs?
5. It takes years for a woman to accept the marriage she has, she may have tried to talk about things but by the time she gets to 48, she really doesn't care either way, she has given up and your wife sounds exactly like that. This is why she doesn't bother with counselling and maybe she is calling your bluff but it sounds to me as if you are all about your needs but I don't think you really ever met hers, hence the stalemate and her unbending attitude. I also get the sense that your expectations and goal posts keep moving, so she is fed up with your demands.

I am just trying to read between the lines and ask you to consider your role in this situation. AND I wonder how much impact do these OW you mention who admire you have on your sudden dissatisfaction with your wife. I think that maybe your fantasies about younger hot women may be having too much influence on your thinking.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dolphindad50 said:


> I should say she does wake me up with a little BJ on work mornings. And she is very active during sex. But I would trade that for a little hug while I am sitting at my desk, or an I Love You before I leave the house.


No you wouldn't.

But you'd happily take both. :laugh:


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I agree with @turnera that you are missing something. Your w is either unhappy in life or with you or the marriage. And it is probably "small" enough not to warrant mentioning without seeming petty, but pervasive enough to cause her NOT to expend the energy to meet your needs.
What are hers? How are you meeting them? Is she low emotion now that the kids are gone? Maybe she's lost her purpose and yet you still have yours?


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

dolphindad50 said:


> Or am I just being crazy?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Unfortunately, I don't think she's interested in staying married. She knows you're not happy yet she's not willing to do anything to make you happy. A spouse should want nothing more than their partner to be happy in life and in their marriage. If she does not care to fix anything, maybe a separation to wake her up to what she's doing might work, if it doesn't yeah I would divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've met many people over the years who simply believe that marriage 'is' - that you don't 'work in it,' and it's either great or just ok. They aren't enlightened enough to know that you CAN improve it.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

I see that you went out and had a great time. Try dating again? That may bring back the I love yous. DH and I make sure we have date night, even with two middle schoolers and one in high school. It's helps!


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

aine said:


> Dolphindad, let's be frank here, if she wasn't giving your BJs in the mornings or active during sex but hugged you regularly and said I love you too every morning, I am sure you would be on here complaining that she never gave you BJs or had active sex.
> 
> Let me ask you a few questions
> 
> ...


To be clear, it's not a full on BJ every morning, just a 2 second sucky. But she's been doing it for years. OK, to answer your questions...

1. No, never.

2. I baby her, I would give her anything she every asked for. She wants nothing, never asks for it. The best thing I can do for her is the laundry and general cleaning. Which I do pretty often.

3. I have worked from home, and in fact for 3 years we worked together. So I have never been gone for any period of time. Always home. Hate traveling anyhow.

4. It's been a great marriage. It was really awesome at the beginning. She used to sing this silly song whenever she wanted sex "Tonight's the night...for love..." I loved when she did that. I haven't heard in 20 years though. We never fight. We do things together. Every weekend we go to the grocery together. We get along great. She just thinks it's good enough. And maybe it is. Maybe I am being too needy.

5. It's really not dissatisfaction. I love her, I just don't feel the love back. Maybe it's there and she just shows it differently?


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> I see that you went out and had a great time. Try dating again? That may bring back the I love yous. DH and I make sure we have date night, even with two middle schoolers and one in high school. It's helps!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That was fun. Honestly the most fun we have had in 10 years.

For my 40th birthday she surprised me with a weekend cruise. The kids stayed with her parents. It was great. Literally a porn fest. I miss that. We haven't gone away like that for 10 years.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why not?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I think your expectations are too high. Or too unrealistic for a real-life long-term relationship. Like others have said, you have a wife many would wish for. I can't see how you would get another relationship that would be better in the long run. Sure, at the beginning it will be hot and heavy and all the ILYs you could desire, but pretty much all relationships cool over time. Unless you have a series of short relationships, you're not going to have that kind of passion all the time.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

At the risk of getting some "what a girl!" comments thrown my way, I get the deal with the hugs, specifically the lack of them. Despite my wife knowing that physical touch is my love language, I can count the number of unsolicited hugs I've gotten in the past year. Hell, I get more hugs from women I work with than my wife (utterly platonic, before anybody rushes to throw a flag on the play).

I'm not going to divorce her over it, but damn. What's it take to get a ****ing hug?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

There are many who keep up with the hugs and affection in a LTR. There is no time limit or age limit. W and I hug multiple times a day and are close and affectionate texting and snap chatting - after 30+ years in our mid-50's

Sometimes it's necessary to disrupt a relationship when all else fails and one is taken for granted. Perhaps that's all that's needed for her to decide the marriage is worth saving. Disrupting means changing what you will put up with, being clear in your communications, being open to solutions and working together, and making clear that the status quo is no longer acceptable. Many suggest threatening divorce, but I think you need not start with the final card in your hand.

Sometimes simple things - like "I want to have some fun in the next few days" and press for some activity, and if there is no response, decide on an activity, announce it and invite her, and go regardless. Start to show that you want change and you will have it and she can't stop you. Remain positive, keep the invitations open, and allow her to slowly change with you 


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## dolphindad50 (Jun 11, 2017)

GTdad said:


> At the risk of getting some "what a girl!" comments thrown my way, I get the deal with the hugs, specifically the lack of them. Despite my wife knowing that physical touch is my love language, I can count the number of unsolicited hugs I've gotten in the past year. Hell, I get more hugs from women I work with than my wife (utterly platonic, before anybody rushes to throw a flag on the play).
> 
> I'm not going to divorce her over it, but damn. What's it take to get a ****ing hug?


Exactly my point! I get more hugs and kisses from the girls I do shows with than my wife. That is my whole point. But I get it, so I am not complaining about it anymore. Wilson showed me the light!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GTdad said:


> At the risk of getting some "what a girl!" comments thrown my way, I get the deal with the hugs, specifically the lack of them. Despite my wife knowing that physical touch is my love language, I can count the number of unsolicited hugs I've gotten in the past year. Hell, I get more hugs from women I work with than my wife (utterly platonic, before anybody rushes to throw a flag on the play).
> 
> I'm not going to divorce her over it, but damn. What's it take to get a ****ing hug?


Ask for one? My H is more into physical affection than I am, and he comes to me and says 'gimme a hug,' which I do willingly as I love his strong arms around me >


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dolphindad50 said:


> Exactly my point! I get more hugs and kisses from the girls I do shows with than my wife. That is my whole point. But I get it, so I am not complaining about it anymore. Wilson showed me the light!


DD, why don't you take the lead, organise a hot date night, get a baby sitter for the kids, show her a good time, etc. Take the lead man, maybe that is what she is waiting for?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

aine said:


> DD, why don't you take the lead, organise a hot date night, get a baby sitter for the kids, show her a good time, etc. Take the lead man, maybe that is what she is waiting for?




Agree. Do your initiate the hugging and affection? Will she pull away if you step it up and take the affection you crave?

I recall my dad hugging me a couple times as a kid and my mom maybe once or twice. Not a huggy family but we're close.

My w says ILY and hugs if you leave for the gas station. Not kidding. Now my kids are all hug-needy - including my college age boys. I assumed they were past that my my son said "no hug me". These are guys much bigger than me (6' and 6'2" to my 5'8") but they want their hugs.

So I'm flinging out the ILY's and hugs like a cafeteria lady slinging #10 scoops of green beans in a middle school cafeteria (food service joke ha ha). But seriously it's no skin off my nose and they all live for this stuff.

I'll never feel the way they do but I will always support their needs. Can this work for you if you take what she won't otherwise give?


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

aine said:


> Ask for one? My H is more into physical affection than I am, and he comes to me and says 'gimme a hug,' which I do willingly as I love his strong arms around me >



Precisely! My husband too! I'm happy to accommodate, a reminder helps...win/win. 

I'm more a "words of affirmation" kinda gal, sometimes a reminder is necessary there too! Married 23 years, we try to state what we need and not take it personally if one of us falls short at times.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

aine said:


> Ask for one? My H is more into physical affection than I am, and he comes to me and says 'gimme a hug,' which I do willingly as I love his strong arms around me >


Oh, I do. If it's important to you, you have to initiate, right?

After years, though, it starts to wear on you a bit.

Never mind me, I'm just whining and if a person can't whine here, then where can they?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

dolphindad50 said:


> Last night she went to karaoke night at a local bar with me and some of my theatre friends, and we had a great time. We hadn't gone out like that in YEARS.
> 
> Maybe that is her way of showing me she does love me?


No offense, OP, but this comes across as highly insecure. Your first post sounded needy to me as well. I think your wife might be feeling smothered a bit, though I don't know that for sure. 

I'd highly recommend working on becoming a more attractive man FOR YOUR WIFE and stop worrying about other women who might be giving you attention. If you were to end your marriage, you'd still be dealing with the same issues, and most women simply don't find insecure, needy men attractive, even if they do earn a decent living and are in physical shape.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

dolphindad50 said:


> Exactly my point! I get more hugs and kisses from the girls I do shows with than my wife. That is my whole point. But I get it, so I am not complaining about it anymore. Wilson showed me the light!


You shouldn't be getting hugs and kisses from other women at all. I feel sorry for your wife. This is not how a married man behaves. Your entire post makes me cringe, especially the title. You want reassurance that you should divorce your wife so you can date other women.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Yeah if I am your wife , I would probably tell you I get many hugs from other man , more than I get from you . And what would your response be ?

I wonder too . why would a married man get hugs from other women in the first place ? 

Bad Boy !!!! Need a spank !!!


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

I avoid hugs from from other women. When I see it coming, I'll hold out my hand to shake. They instantly get it and accommodate. I reserve hugs for my wife.


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