# At the Tipping Point - Again!



## stressed1951 (Jan 12, 2010)

My wife & I have been married for 24 years this coming October. We have 2 kids, 18 and 15 and the eldest has just left home to start 4 years at College.

For the past 6 years all has not been well. I found out my wife was having a relationship with a married man. When confronted she said it was not a consummated relationship, just talking on the phone, etc. The guys wife and I were in touch and she believed as much as I did they were more than just phone buddies. Apparently the woman said my wife wasn't the first and wouldn't be the last with her husband.

Nonetheless, I considered the length of time we had been married and 2 kids to be reason enough to work at fixing the problems and I thought we were getting through. In bringing things to a head about a year ago, she found a journal I kept on my pc. Originally it was meant to record the days events and also record where she went, but as time went on, I used it as my pressure cooker to get raw emotion out, leaving me calm & collected with her. When she pissed me off, I would remark it in the journal. When she read the journal, she accused me of being a Jekyll & Hyde, saying one thing to her and writing another thing down in the journal. I explained that it was my pressure cooker and avoided heavy confrontations. It was my way of coping with the emotions & stress. Some guys might get loaded on drink to cope, others may bounce their wife's around the walls, others take up fishing or hunting or shooting guns. I wrote a journal.I also pointed out that the journal only started because of her 'friendship' with the guy. 

Anyhow, we moved on and we have have to deal with plenty of crapola during this time as we lost our home to foreclosure during the great recession, etc. We have rented for the past 4 years. 2 years ago, I received a pension (I'm 62 & the wife is 49). It was a pension I'd paid into and earned before we met, so it was mine not ours. With some of the lump sum, I invested in new items for the home, paid out over $10K in Immigration Fees for all our GC's, replaced an 18yr old van with 245K miles on it with a newer suv and as a life long wish, spent $1400 on an old boat to renovate as a project, which when finished we could all enjoy. Besides the boat costing me a few thousand more to put right, her response to me getting it was not what I expected and has made it clear all the time she was not happy about it. I have tried to sell it, but without success, so it spends much time sat in storage.

In the past 4 months, things started to change in bed. Normally we always kiss goodnight and enjoy our intimacy together, which has always been great. She suddenly stopped wanting to cuddle, then stopped wanting to kiss. About 2 months ago, she announced that she didn't want to kiss anymore or cuddle as she felt nothing for me anymore. So for more or less the past 4 months we have NO physical contact with one another AT ALL and that means even just touching one another. I have suggested we go to counseling and she doesn't want to do it. I have said I will do whatever to work things out, but seemingly her mind is made up. When I asked her why the change and what prompted it, she floored me completely by saying 'me buying the boat was the turning point in our marriage for her'. Given that she had had this relationship some while ago and recently found the guys initial against a date in October highlighting his birthday, I am wondering whether the 'boat' issue is just a smokescreen for something else, which she is holding back. I keep saying we have to sort this out, but all I get back is that her 'focus at the moment is supporting our 15 yr old who has now lost his close bro to college' and it's just the 3 of us at home. In the past week, I have moved into the bedroom vacated by the eldest son. When I told her what I was doing, her only response was 'I was going to change the bedding'!!

I feel I am moving closer to the cliff edge and TBH am 'sheet' scared of what lies ahead, both the financial costs and the emotional costs to me and to my son.

I would appreciate any constructive comments or suggestions. 
Thanks


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

The boat has nothing to do with your situation today, its called blameshifting. It sounds as if she is either still involved in some way with the OM or has never emotionally let go of him.

Since things have rapidly changed over the last 4 months I think she is having contact with him especially given his initial are written on his birthday on the calendar. If I were you I would start doing some investigating of phone logs or computer use. Getting the truth out of her will most likely be a struggle.

Either way right now she is unwilling to try and repair the marriage. You trying to convince her to will only push her farther away. You should see an attorney about the financial/divorce options. The more information you have and understand the better decisions you can make right now. 

As long as you tolerate her behavior it will not change. She needs to see that you are willing to divorce, that you don’t “need” her. Stop trying to engage her as much, allow your self some emotional distance from the situation so you can see what is going on more clearly. The person who wants the relationship the least usually have the most control.


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