# I've lost trust.



## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

Hi - This is my first post, so I hope that I'm doing this right.
My story is long. We'll be married 25 years this year and I'm at a point where I just don't trust my husband anymore. 
This is how it started: A few months ago, he received a rather risque (sic?) card from a women. He denied knowing who it was and said that someone must have been playing a joke on him. The thing is, this card was PERFECT for him. I mean, if I would have seen it, I would have gotten it for him. After his denial, I started snooping around. In his address book, I found a different women's name, phone numbers, email addresses,her sister's cellphone number and even her kid's names and ages were written down. When I confronted him about this, he told me that she was his buddy's neighbor and that she was going through some financial trouble.
He said that he loaned her some money. And that the buddy had given him all that information. When I asked him where he got the money (I take care of the finances), he said that he sold some of his collection on ebay. His collection is his prize possesion!He said that he felt bad about her situation and decided to show some compassion for a fellow human being. Now, this is very noble of him but as a family, we could have used some of that compassion. We struggle financially all the time. The final straw, after trying to accept all his explanations,a couple months later, I overheard him on his cellphone, talking to someone in a tender voice saying "you have to keep your cellphone, how else are you going to talk to me?" I went downstairs and told him that I had heard what he said, I repeated it to him. Of course, he denied it and said that I must have misunderstood. I asked him if I could see his phone and he started pushing buttons. I asked him what he was deleting. He said that he was opening the phone back up and accidentally hit the wrong buttons. I told him that I knew how to operate a phone and that I could have done it myself. I walked away. After all this time, I just don't know what to believe. I don't trust him any more. Thanks for letting me vent.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

So sorry to hear that. Sounds like an emotional affair at best. Been there, done that. Get him to come completely clean. If not tell him to move out for a while. Get some distance, persepective and decide to go from there. Good luck to you, and don't accept anything but the best for you and your family. You deserve it.


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## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you, 1nurse.
We've since had a few frank discussions, including my telling him that I wanted to leave for a few days to think things through. He still denies that there is/was anyone else. I've given up looking for proof. But, it sometime still bothers me when he leaves the house or is on his cellphone. I keeping trying to believe in him and in us again. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Hey there,
If you don't have trust in a marriage what else do you have? Trust is the core FOUNDATION that makes a marriage, actually any relationship if you think about it. Children and parents. Friends. Spouses. You don't deserve to be put second. You're his wife! You're priority number one or at least you should be. It made me physically sick to know that my soon to be ex husband put another woman first and crapped all over the 16 years we had together. Sometimes there are reasons within the marriage why one spouse strays. Sometimes due to low self esteem, boredom, etc.. they stray. Either way it just sucks!! I don't how the other person lives with themselves that get involved with someone married. However, ultimately it's the person who's cheating is the one who really makes the choice to do what they do. There are no easy answers but you need to love yourself enough to not put up with this crap. 

I'd say if he's still in denial, like I said tell him to hit the bricks for awhile. Might give you and him some time, space and perspective. You know the old saying I think it's "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't it wasn't meant to be." My ex left me 6 months ago. We share no children, and he moved 4.5 hours away. Clean break. Still have no contact with him. Obviously he's not interested in coming back. I don't really think I'd want him back now anyway. Once the trust is gone, it's a long hard battle to get it back. Everyone is different, every situation is different. I know ask myself, "I can't do better than this jackass?" Of course I can it's just going to take time. Ask yourself this "would I put up with anyone else treating me this way." You've spent a lot of years with this man but he's acting like a teenager. Cut him loose. You shouldn't have to compete with this ding dong he's involved with. The shine will be off that new penny once you're out of the picture. Good Luck.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

25michblue said:


> ...... I overheard him on his cellphone, talking to someone in a tender voice saying "you have to keep your cellphone, how else are you going to talk to me?" I went downstairs and told him that I had heard what he said, I repeated it to him. Of course, he denied it and said that I must have misunderstood. I asked him if I could see his phone and he started pushing buttons. I asked him what he was deleting..


here's a fool proof snoop trick... if you wanna find out who he was talking to.. it's very simple.

log onto your cell provider's website. look at your call history on the site.. usually isnt updated for a day or 2 after the call or text messages happen.

notice the date and time of the alleged incident. note the number down. Then next time you wake up at 2 in the morning to go potty, pick up his phone really quick, dial that number quickly and before it rings, hang up.. the name will pop up readily.

BEWARE THOUGH... after you make the quick phone call.. delete the call from the call history so HE won't see it.. ALSO.. you may find text messages and calls more frequently than you're prepared to for the same number... 

you won't be able to see the contents of the text messages, however you'll know how freqently they happen and calls too..

THEN.. you decide what's important.. you call her from any phone and spark up a conversation with her.. get to know her, see what she and your husband have in common and attempt to validate his story. not by asking her the things he told you and whether it's true... no.. ask her in open ended questions tha require more words to answer than simply yes or no...

THEN you'll know what to believe. see if she knows the 'friend' that told him she's in financial trouble.. etc.. you'll know what to ask... call the friend.. ask his opinion.. see if he knows what's up.. it won't matter... cuz if its true you ALL win and there's nothing to hide and you can sleep, but if its all false it wont matter saving face anyways cuz he's the one that'll come out of it smelling like the back of a doberman 

i hope this helps
mike


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

All good advice, and do not forget the process he must allow you to put him under your thumb. If he tries to wiggle out "honey want to go to ballgame" you have bigger issues.


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## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

Hi DaddyMike,
My husband and I have separate phone plans. His is his business and personal line. He always pays his phone bill by phone.
I've thought about accessing his account on line but I don't know if he will get a phone message about the opening of an on-line account. Not knowing this is the only thing that stops me. Do you know how this works? Also, his phone is never out of his possesion.
Reidqa - please elaborate, what do you mean by "honey want to go to ballgame"


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

25michblue said:


> Hi DaddyMike,
> My husband and I have separate phone plans. His is his business and personal line. He always pays his phone bill by phone.
> I've thought about accessing his account on line but I don't know if he will get a phone message about the opening of an on-line account. Not knowing this is the only thing that stops me. Do you know how this works? Also, his phone is never out of his possesion.
> Reidqa - please elaborate, what do you mean by "honey want to go to ballgame"




Look online for a "keylogger" . . it'll allow you to record keystrokes in order to obtain his usernames and passwords.

As long as you get into his cell account within 3 attempts, it won't message his phone (I know this first hand  )

ALSO.. if you DO end up getting a keylogger, make sure you allow it in the computer's firewal, and allow special instructions with the antivirus program otherwise they could detect it and bust you out..

as far as the phone being out of his possession, how about when he's sleeping or in the shower?? you could simply be "gathering the laundry" . . ?


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Though I'm not a good source for advice I really do feel for you. Unfortunately it gets very hard on a spouse when the trust is gone and you have to start second guessing. I think you should back off a little so he'll let his guard down then periodically check his phone in the call history. 
Do you have any ideas at all as to why he seems to be wandering? Has your marriage been reasonably satisfying to this point?


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## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, we had quite the conversation the other night. This is what I finally got out of him: A few years ago, things were not going well, kind of like they are now. I was feeling lonely, like there's no real connection between us - just living the routine. At that time, I told him that I thought I wanted a divorce. He brought this up during our conversation and said that this hurt him very badly. That he's just been waiting for me to walk out the door.


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## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

I asked him during our conversation about looking at his cell phone.
I told him that I think if he has nothing to hide than it shouldn't be a big deal. He said that he's not stupid and if he had any phone calls and messages that he didn't want me to see, then he would just delete them. He's convinced that I've already been through his phone - which I haven't. Everything else of his, yes!


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

he's correct about deleting things that he doent want your eyes to see.. the ony way to see them, is put a keylogger on his computer and record his usernames and passwords to log into his cell providers website..

other than that.. i'm not sure how else to help.

sorry


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## peaches (Apr 26, 2009)

I've checked on keyloggers. Haven't done it yet but in researching, webwatcher seems to be a good one. I think they have something that takes care of the firewall/antivirus thing too. 

Don't get a "free" one -I almost did that before I realized they can be scams. 

Don't bother loading the free week trial of webwatcher-it's not in stealth mode (he'll see it). You have to buy it for it to be hidden. It's expensive but it's piece of mind. Leaving him when you don't have 'proof' puts you in a vunerable position-you may want to go back.


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## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

I've briefly researched keyloggers. But with my luck, I'd mess up putting it on the computer. I'm not much of a computer techie LOL.
I agree with you about needing "proof". Right now, I'm at the point that I'm not trying to push anything. We both seem to be trying to communicate more. So, I guess I'll take that as a start!


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