# WS doing heavy lifting to recover - BS please describe



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't feel my Wayward has done the heavy lifting. Though he has done much to 'prove' his dedication. Is 'doing the heavy lifting' a personality thing? A gender thing? Or just a basic thing that any Wayward would want to do in order to make amends for the damage they have caused? 

And please...what is the heavy lifting your Wayward has done? I would like to compare the genuine article with what I have.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

For me it meant my WW made a list of low cost and high cost behaviors that I can see her doing every day. Low cost examples are;
Telling me she loves me
Being affectionate
Touching me
No contact
Listening to me
Being patient
Electronic transparency
Etc

High Cost behaviors included;
Change jobs - done
End all contact with all friends that knew- done
Follow our travel rules ( no drinking on bus trips etc)
Work with our MC to find out why
be patient with my recovery

You get the idea
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

1.He quit his job b/c he had an EA w/ someone at work
2.He left EVERYONE at that job behind-no forwarding info so she couldnt follow or contact him-EVER.
3.He told his family and took full responsibility
4.He sought IC
5.He asks everyday "what can I do for YOU today to help US?" and "what do YOU need from Me, name it, it will be done"-and he has stood by those words
6. He NEVER blameshifts or playsdown what he did. He allows me to ask ANYTHING I want anytime I want. He always answers, even when it hurts.
7. He is seeking relationships that will make him the man he wants to be and leaving behind the ones that dont

And like slater some of the 'lower cost'ones like transparency and patience for sure. Basically coming way more than half way. Refocusing on our marriage. Doing the little things again. And the big things. Lots of talking and openness. That can be painful but its so necessary. You'd be surprised what you can learn about your Spouse even when you've been with them for a long time. Affairs put distance between you. R is the time for bridging that gap.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

@Krichali

YAY! Sounds genuine to me.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

No contact
Reaching out to me via text or cell phone every few hours--love this
Admitted to the affair in writing, said it was stupid and he will always regret it. I highly recommend this--you can re-read it when you want 
Attends MC with no fuss complaint etc.
IC for him (well, he still hasn't done this yet but it's gonna happen)
Listened while I read excerpts from Not Just Friends

the one bit of heavy lifting he did not do was reveal that he'd been in contact with her again from just a few weeks after DD#1 right through 6+ mos. of MC.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

IMO "heavy lifting" is really about if your WS is willing to take ownership of what they did - once that is genuinely done the rest will just fall into place. 

If you can stand up and say - I did this - it was wrong - and I will fix it and I accept the whatever the consequences of my actions are. The rest is really just mechanics, not that they're not important, but taking ownership of something really bad is an internal thing, once that's done the outward expressions of it will happen naturally.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you don't feel he's satisfied yo uw/ what he's done, then tell him. Also, map out what you need from him.

An article doesn't mean jack in the grand scheme of things. It's all about YOUR marriage, YOUR needs and his.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> IMO "heavy lifting" is really about if your WS is willing to take ownership of what they did - once that is genuinely done the rest will just fall into place.
> 
> If you can stand up and say - I did this - it was wrong - and I will fix it and I accept the whatever the consequences of my actions are. The rest is really just mechanics, not that they're not important, but taking ownership of something really bad is an internal thing, once that's done the outward expressions of it will happen naturally.


I completely agree. Acknowledgement and acceptance of responsibility are key. Once that fully happens-the rest just slowly starts to happen. The more the WS moves out of the fog-the better they do. Just my experience. Hopefully my only.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No Contact. No Contact. No Contact. This can't be reiterated enough. And to me, even TRYING to look up his pictures would be breaking NC because it means the affair is still alive and well in her mind. So far so good.
She has admitted the affair to her family and mine.
Complete transparency. Heck, a few days ago, she even forgot her iPhone at home, which she would occasionally do BEFORE all this happened. During the affair, it was almost surgically attached to her hand. She calls me on the way to work, while at work, and tells me when she's coming home from work. I do that same.
More communication now between the two of us
Answers my questions about the affair when I trigger. Haven't yet gotten any "when are you going to get over this?" crap. Before I even told her, she said to me that she knows its going to take me years to heal from this
She tried to delete her facebook account, but couldn't figure out how to, so she just kept me and our kids on the friends list. Not something I told her to do though, she just did it on her own. I told her she didn't have to do that but she said she wants me to feel secure.
Lots of hugs and real kisses everyday and saying "I love you" on the phone. Before, her kisses were a close mouthed peck on the cheek, and hardly ever said "love you".
One of my triggers is that during the affair, she would walk in the door while on the phone with OM, pretending to talk to her sister. She now usually puts it on speakerphone - get this, I never even asked her to do this, she did it on her own.
She constantly apologizes and understands when I trigger. She's always saying how she's going to make it up to me through her actions. She says she knows I don't believe her right now, so she will just show me.

Of course, I do my share too. Changing myself and being the man she fell in love with. I still monitor her every once in a while. Strange that she's never even asked if I do or not. She just thinks I'm really good with computers. Never even asked me how I found out the stuff from last month.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

NO CONTACT just cant be said enough and its the first and most important step.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> NO CONTACT just cant be said enough and its the first and most important step.


:iagree:

And they had better immediately report to you if their AP tries to fish for renewed contact. Any phone call, any text, any email had better be reported.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And they had better immediately report to you if their AP tries to fish for renewed contact. Any phone call, any text, any email had better be reported.


For sure - with the same level of urgency that they'd tell you their hair was on fire. :FIREdevil:


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

So dumb Q: but did anyone on here actually give their WS a boundary list or just say so and so won't/can't happen?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> So dumb Q: but did anyone on here actually give their WS a boundary list or just say so and so won't/can't happen?


I did. well we made one together and he signed it.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I love that Calvin and I both have boundries..yes him too even tho I did the unforgivable but now it's so so important to watch for signs and tell him if something makes me uncomfortable..for instance someone from this site was PMing me alot..there was no flirting or anything out of line but it scared me so bad...i mean so many people say that's how it starts...so anyway talked with Calvin about it and showed him the PMs and we dealt with it..it makes me feel better when he checks my phone and everything i'm doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

One more thing...the OM did call my cell a couple weeks after NC....I let it ring, checked the voicemail..it was all background noise...was pissed because I really thought he woulda took me off his phone but I immediately told Calvin while he was at work, gave him the number and let him deal with the jackas
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## randomguy123 (Oct 17, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> IMO "heavy lifting" is really about if your WS is willing to take ownership of what they did - once that is genuinely done the rest will just fall into place.
> 
> If you can stand up and say - I did this - it was wrong - and I will fix it and I accept the whatever the consequences of my actions are. The rest is really just mechanics, not that they're not important, but taking ownership of something really bad is an internal thing, once that's done the outward expressions of it will happen naturally.


Nicely said


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

All these list, requirements, things that the WS are to do... YES they have a purpose, they have a need, they have a reason for the BS to heal. BUT... 

If the WS truly wants to gain the the respect of the of BS both must understand that there...

ARE NO MORE 2ND CHANCES. PERIOD. THIS IS IT. ANY ACTION THAT IS BACKSLIDING, (more lies, future contact, whatever), AND THE UNION IS GONE. 

I have been there. In the end, I finally accepted this fact. It is the only truth that matter in the end.


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