# Help...my wife can no longer cope with my kids!



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Sorry that this is so long...just alot of issues that bear upon this request.

This is has been a long, slow burn that has finally gotten the best of my wife. I fear that she is about to have an emotional breakdown because of my two teenage children (ages 16 and 17). Here's the story...

My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years with 5 children between us ranging from ages 10 to 20. Her children live with us (except the 20-year-old is now off to college and in and out mainly on the weekends). My two children are only with us every other weekend and it has been that way throughout our marriage.

Her 3 kids were very receptive to our marriage but mine were more apprehensive about it because of the change in dynamic. Mine initially thought that they were being "replaced" by my wife's family (when in reality they were not and have not been). We've tried to include all of them in our activities as much as possible and have always let them know that they are loved and welcomed in our home at anytime.

My ex-wife, however, hasn't encouraged my 2 kids to be adaptable or to be a part in our family. She (especially early on in our marriage) threw up hurdles at every turn making it difficult for the kids to come to our house...by scheduling conflicting activities that forced the kids to choose between us. She also fed their fears of rejection and alienation (through confirmation that we've received from the kids). Therefore, they have mostly been resistant to having a warm relationship with us...you can sometimes feel their coldness whenever they come over and feel it melt throughout the time that they are here and then it starts over each succeeding time they are here.

My ex-wife uses the "guilt" card constantly to make the kids feel that they are choosing us over her whenever they come here. She makes excuses for needing to see them which drives their sense of insecurity.

Her parenting skill set does not mesh with ours and that also causes problems in our blended family. Nothing that my 2 kids do is truly their fault (according to my ex-wife's behavior and resulting discipline...or lack of discipline to them). There is always a "reason" that "justifies" their poor behavior or rebellious spirit in her eyes. She and her husband grounded her husband's daughter for 6 months for sneaking out of their house and disallowed her to come over to their house at times that my 2 kids were there. My ex-wife and my daughter were really rude and disrespectful to the step-daughter/sister because of it. Yet, when my daughter ran away from her mother's home for 2 days she was coddled and loved and only given a 1-month grounding (of which my ex-wife softened by taking her shopping and re-doing her bedroom!).

You can probably see where this is heading...

The above-mentioned "problems" have caused serious respect of authority issues by my 2 kids. They don't see that our life is worthy of their respect and challenge our rules and bend them (or try to) constantly causing turmoil in our home nearly every weekend they are here. We've been taken to court by the 2 of them over their demands for changes in custody terms (which, of course, they lost) to times that fit more into their needs. They were shocked that state law would trump their "wishes" (as was their mother). In fact, the court came down very hard against them; and my wife and I were anguished that they put themselves in such a bad situation (but my ex-wife insisted that they go forward with the lawsuit and forced them to testify against us).

The court defeat gave us a little leverage with them because they finally realized that theirs was not the ultimate authority. We were able to get them into counseling (appallingly, against my ex-wife's wishes) which had quite a positive effect upon them. However, after a few months my ex-wife told them that they did not have to go anymore and we no longer had leverage to make them to go.

Things deteriorated with them once again after they stopped going to counseling. I was forced to tell my daughter that she was not welcomed in our house because of her very bad behavior towards me and my wife...but that she would be welcomed again if she would obey our rules and be respectful of us. Three weeks later, my ex-wife called me and begged me for help because my daughter was turning her rebellious spirit onto her (shock, shock). My wife and I sat down with her and her brother to tell them exactly the terms for which she would be allowed back into our home (our son was present just so it would be emphasized to him what we expected). She began coming again to our home but it wasn't long before she (and my son) began slipping back into their "routine" of not showing up at our house on time or at all, not notifying us of their plans or intentions, lying to us, being rude to us by totaling ignoring us in public places and at high school sporting events that they were participating in, etc, etc, etc... Any disciplinary action was always under-cut by my ex-wife who enabled this behavior toward us (even in her presence).

The final straw really came about six weeks ago whenever my daughter ran away from her mother's home. It was a huge emotional issue that resulted in her coming home safely. She again had turned on her mother and step-father as she had often done to us...rather than coming to us, she decided to run away for a few days. As you can expect, that took a tremendous amount of emotional energy dealing with the period while she was gone and with the subsequent fall-out over the event. All four of us (my ex, her husband, me and my wife) were intensively involved in the event and in dealing and discussing the punishment and healing process.

Then, this past week was when they were supposed to be at our house for spring break. Well, I called to ask and remind them what time they were to be here. I ended up going to pick my daughter up because my son was working on a research paper and said he would be there later. Well, it ended up being 3 days later even after I had insisted that he come and work on the paper at our house. But, again his mother didn't force or encourage him to come. The first weekday of spring break was a date that my ex had scheduled them to have dentist appointments. I was working and couldn't get them there and she volunteered to take them because she also had a dental appointment. I said "ok' and she then asked if she could keep them a little longer and take them out to eat (of which I didn't have a problem with). So, they left the house at 8:45 am and didn't return back to us until 9:45 pm that night (and then only after I texted my ex asking when I should expect them home). The next evening, they again "needed" to go see their mom at almost 10 pm for a few minutes that turned into nearly 2 hours. I finally got my son to answer his phone and they came right back.

None of this is or was new. Total disrespect for the need to be accountable to us and be responsible to us for their time and actions. Again, I sat them down and gave them an ultimatum. My wife, however, gave me an ultimatum, too. It was that she was leaving or they were leaving...

So, I sent them packing and said that we would tolerate this no longer. They would be welcomed back if they could be civil, responsible and loving kids to us...but under no other circumstances. They seemed to undestand and acknowledged that there were issues that they instigated and fed. They also seemed to grasp (as well as 16 and 17 year-olds can) the need to protect our marriage.

It's not that my wife hasn't shown them love, grace and mercy because she has...more so than they deserve. She is at her wits end with them because we cannot control them no matter what actions we take with them. We've tried soft love, tough love, everything to no avail. She has spent an enormous amount of emotional energy on them and is completely bankrupt. I'm not bankrupt only because they are my children. We both love them but it has taken a tremendous toll upon the both of us.

Realize that I only want thoughts from those who recognize the sanctity of the marriage first. I do not believe that my kids should come first because they have been here longer than my wife. My wife will be with me for life...the kids will choose a mate for themselves at some point who will be their top priority. What I am looking for is how to reconcile the two sides and be able to create healing that will be beneficial for all.

So, can you help me?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You say you've tried tough love, but I'm not seeing anything in your recent history that suggests it... In fact, your recent history is much more "door mat" than tough love. What happened with rhen you tried that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

We have tried it all...just my post was getting WAY too long.

Tough love generally works while they are with us...i.e. taking phones away from them, no computer access or FB, no outings or friends over, no TV, video games, autos taken away, banned from coming over here period, "slave labor" jobs around our property...just to name a few.

Only problem is that my ex undercuts all of our tough love actions. When we took phones away, she bought them new ones. Grounding efforts removed whenever she gets them back such as taking daughter shopping whenever she was "grounded" for a month after running away.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Seems to me the kids have had no stability in their lifes, and there's no stability in parenting.....on both ends. Seems one extreme or the other. So how can your kids be stable in their thinking and actions? 

It truly sucks when one parent says one thing, and the other parent says the opposite. The only ones at a true loss is the kids.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

IMO, this started way before they were teenagers. Started from day one. Now they are 16 and 17, I'm sorry to say, that it's just too late in the game. At these ages, they should be more independent than they sound - taking away games, TV, friends, etc. That should have been done at 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc. Not at pre-adulthood. They are not being treated as young adults, but rather like 5 and 6 year olds. Sorry, but that's how I see it.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Southern,

I was being general...these are things that have been done throughout their pre-adolescent and adolescent years. Not necessarily what is being done presently (only some are). What is being done presently is the "you can take our rules and live with them or we don't want you around."

I agree that there have been and are extreme parenting styles and THAT IS the problem. We don't go to one extreme or the other within my family here. We've been very consistent as the discipline warrants. Only in the very early stages of my marriage with my wife were we lenient with them as we tried to help them "feel" their way into new roles with a blended family. But the kids see the two completely opposite parenting styles when they go from one home to the other.

That issue has been their lack of respect for us due to the undermining of our parental authority by the ex-spouse. Only when their disrespectful behavior affects her does she do anything about it in her marital family dynamic. We have discussed these issues with her and her spouse but they don't seem to understand the need for change because they effectively condone their behavior.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

autopilot said:


> Southern,
> 
> What is being done presently is the "you can take our rules and live with them or we don't want you around."


I could never imagine saying that to my child. Imagine if your wife was not in the picture, would you still say that to your kids? I'm sure you love your kids, but this seems pretty harsh to me. 



> I agree that there have been and are extreme parenting styles and THAT IS the problem.


Yes, it's part of the problem. I get that the parenting styles of you and your ex are quite extreme. Are they with the ex most of the time? And just with you on weekends?





> That issue has been their lack of respect for us due to the undermining of our parental authority by the ex-spouse.


I'm sure it's quite difficult for all involved, when the children are going from one home to another, and both with different "rules". But I don't think that totally dissing them is the answer. I agree that they need some stability, but they are almost adults and it seems too late for that. I hate to say to just follow suit of the ex, but then there's your current wife and she's p!ssed off for sure! Can't say that I blame her, and you probably feel caught in the middle of all of it on some level. 

Your children are your blood and will always have that bond with you. I really hope you can come to terms, better terms, other than "my way or highway".


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Southern,

You are also correct that these differing parenting styles which caused many of these issues started before they were teenagers. It was a major reason why I filed for and divorced my ex. I was raised much differently than she was and it greatly affected our roles as parents. I have always tried to make the kids accountable (at some level based upon age and understanding) for their actions and behaviors but she has always validated them and their behaviors by blaming someone or something else for their actions with no real accountability for them.

It got worse immediately after I separated and divorced because she placed all the blame for our failed marriage on me. She then became more of the kids' "friend" instead of their mother which magnified the issues at hand.

I cannot do anything about that or her as a parent or mother. I can only have effect on my end as a parent and father.

So, again what can I do to make things better? I have exhausted all that I know to do.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Are they with the ex most of the time? And just with you on weekends?


I get the kids every other weekend and during most of the summer. However, I have 3 step-children who live with us full-time. So, we cannot drop our household rules and expectations for whenever my 2 come over. That would be making things worse, in my opinion. That's why I've told them that they have a choice to live by our rules or not come here. I cannot tolerate them undermining our household because I love my wife and our family too much (inclusive of all 5 kids).


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Yes, I can see how it's difficult to manage 2 sets of kids, all with different behaviors, expectations, schedules, etc.

I am really not sure how to remedy your issues, but I do know that your kids are old enough to know the rules and to follow them; yet old enough for some independence as well. That said, they are old enough for a good talking to, lovingly, from you and your wife. Let them know that you love them no matter what. Love for your children is unconditional, but good behavior gets some type of good rewards as well. Not just "our rules, you obey or get out!". I'm sorry, but that's just so negative. I certainly do not have all the answers here, just some brain storming. Your kids are also old enough for some responsibility around the house and yard. But I wouldn't give them so much that all they do is "labor at Dad's house" all weekend. 

What types of family activities do you do? Camping? Hiking? Picnics? Events?

All kids of all ages need to know they are loved. Somehow you've got to show them and tell them, without just pushing them away. Let them know that they are a valuable part of your family.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

southern wife said:


> IMO, this started way before they were teenagers. Started from day one. Now they are 16 and 17, I'm sorry to say, that it's just too late in the game. At these ages, they should be more independent than they sound - taking away games, TV, friends, etc. That should have been done at 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc. Not at pre-adulthood. They are not being treated as young adults, but rather like 5 and 6 year olds. Sorry, but that's how I see it.


Not supposed to punish or ground teenagers? 

They should not be held accountable for their actions? Autopilot didn't say anything about what was done when his kids were "_4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc._" years old and should not have had to come back with that kind of explanation.

Whatever......

Autopilot, please don't listen to people who only want to criticize you and clearly have not been in your shoes. You have been doing the right things so far as you have described them. And yes, that means telling your kids they cannot come back.

Blood or not, your kids do not come first in your life. Your wife does. You and your wife have to run your household. Your teenagers should not be allowed to. The two of you HAVE to be a united front with all of the children, and it appears you, yourself, have done extremely well on all fronts. I commend you for being supportive of your wife because I know from experience and from reading stepparenting forums that is not always the case. In fact, it's not usually the case. Most often, the husband/father is ridden with guilt and ends up trying to play monkey in the middle - never putting his foot down with his kids or with the ex/their mother. As a result, he disrespects his wife and causes her as much anguish as the stepkids (skids) and their mother cause her. And, that is the worst betrayal of all because, as you have recognized and acknowledged your wife's sincere and loving efforts, being a stepmother is extremely difficult, particularly in cases like yours (problems with skids AND their mother). Most men treat their wife (and even tell her as much) like she is just supposed to go along with the program and be ruled and run over by all of them - the ex, the skids, and HIM. Yes, it is very true. She absolutely NEEDS your support as she tries to execute her role as the second half of a united front, so again, I commend you.

I'm afraid, however, there are no easy answers or help in your situation, as I feel you have done all you can, and they are the right things to do. That doesn't mean to give up on your youngsters, of course. It means your only recourse now is to take their mother to court for PASing your children. PAS stands for parent alienation syndrome, and it is a rightful and legal charge to bring against her. Family courts recognize it these days and usually address it with stern action. After some investigation (usually testimony from all of you) to establish your claim as legitimate, the court might appoint a GAL (guardian ad litem) to work with both sides on a parenting plan that both sides HAVE to adhere to. Any violations on your wife's part will cause the judge to come down severely on her. Of course, I cannot speak for all judges of every state's family court system. There are stupid judges in all aspects of our legal system in this country, but you can research the family court judge in your county to learn their track record in cases brought concerning PASing. Ask your attorney about it. He can better advise you. I realize having to go to court can be costly but honestly, this is very likely the only thing you can do at this point that I can think of. Just your post here (which I realize is general and hardly emcompasses every single detail of yours and your wife's ordeal) is plently enough to bring that charge against your ex. Just like your kids and their mother learned their lesson in THEIR court case against you, they have to learn they even more so they cannot and do not rule the world.....not even their own world.

Good luck to you and your wife. You and she both seem to be very good for each other. I say that because just like you are an exceptional husband in this respect, your wife also is exceptional because not all stepmothers put in nearly the effort that your wife has.

There is a stepparenting forum that I visit on occasion. I am sincerely and cautiously reluctant to direct you there, but I know you will find some answers.....that is, after you wade through all the useless banter from the women who hate their skids. It's just that I am no expert in this area (if any area at all LOL), and these people are or have been where you are right now.

StepTalk.org
You can just copy your post from here and paste it there exactly as it is. Lots of people will chime in. Most of them will use it as an opportunity to vent about their own situation, but some will be very helpful. Like I said, you just have to wade through the useless stuff, but it will be nice to know you are not alone in this and others are going through the exact same thing. The best part is there won't be all the silly criticizing you from anyone who doesn't know what they are talking about. Believe me, LOTS of second-marriage couples could be wearing your shoes right this very moment.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

River,

Thank you so much for the website. I've been there before but had honestly forgotten about it because it's been quite a while ago.

Regarding the court issue, we have brought it up to our attorney and he doesn't believe that our local courts will give it any consideration other than send us to mediation based upon his past experiences. We've done the mediation thing and it was totally unsuccessful because my ex walked out without resolving anything and the judge didn't do anything to her.

Southern,

We have sat the kids down and discussed all these issues with them many times (as recently as yesterday). They understand that we love them and will not stand to be disrespected. It's difficult to put everything that has transpired into a blog or a thread, but we are not unloving parents to them and they know it.

Thanks for your posts and words.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

River1977 said:


> Not supposed to punish or ground teenagers?


I don't believe I ever said that....



> They should not be held accountable for their actions? Autopilot didn't say anything about what was done when his kids were "_4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc._" years old and should not have had to come back with that kind of explanation.
> 
> Whatever......


Absolutely they should be held accountable for their actions. Again, I never said they should not......

No he didn't mention anything about what was done at "_4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, etc._" years old. I was simply stating that is when to start taking things away from them. I will add, that at their current ages, taking away their driving and car use priveledges is a good way to hold them responsible for their actions. He should tell them that if they don't follow the house rules, they can't use the car. Not if they don't follow the house rules, don't come to my house! That's what I was trying to get across, and maybe it didn't come out right. 

I'm certainly not here attacking him or anyone on this board, so do not jump down my throat for trying to be helpful. I do not have all, or maybe not any answers, but I am trying to be helpful. 




> And yes, that means telling your kids they cannot come back.


Sorry, this is where I disagree. It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.



> Blood or not, your kids do not come first in your life. Your wife does. You and your wife have to run your household. Your teenagers should not be allowed to. The two of you HAVE to be a united front with all of the children, and it appears you, yourself, have done extremely well on all fronts. I commend you for being supportive of your wife because I know from experience and from reading stepparenting forums that is not always the case.


I do agree with this. The kids, no matter who's they are, should not run the house. It's up to all parents involved to set the rules and boundaries, and up to the kids to mind the rules or suffer the consequences, hopefully knowing their parents love them and won't toss them aside.

AutoPilot, I have not walked in your shoes as I do not have a teenager, yet. My daughter is 6 and well on her way to be a teenager one day. I can only hope that I'm doing the right things for her now (taking things away, time outs in her room, etc), so her teenage years will be easier on her............and us.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

autopilot said:


> River,
> 
> Thank you so much for the website. I've been there before but had honestly forgotten about it because it's been quite a while ago.
> 
> ...


Sorry, it wasn't enough, but I tried to be helpful. If I came across as rude, that was certainly not my intentions.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

autopilot said:


> River,
> 
> Thank you so much for the website. I've been there before but had honestly forgotten about it because it's been quite a while ago.
> 
> Regarding the court issue, we have brought it up to our attorney and he doesn't believe that our local courts will give it any consideration other than send us to mediation based upon his past experiences. We've done the mediation thing and it was totally unsuccessful because my ex walked out without resolving anything and the judge didn't do anything to her.


Just some suggestions:

1. See about a change of venue to another nearby family court that pays more respect to that kind of complaint.

2. Talk with your state's representative. Bombard his/her phone to take action in the legal system concerning this pernicious and poisonous family dynamic.


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## gofish (Mar 16, 2012)

I know it's been a few days since you first posted this, Autopilot, but when I read of your situation, I had to stop and offer some encouragement. I am sorry to hear of the struggles you and your wife are having with your teens from a previous marriage. I grew up in a blended family, and I remember how challenging those dynamics can be! I agree that it is good that you are taking a proactive stance and trying to resolve the issues you're facing with your kids.

I saw that River1977 offered a website that might be helpful, and I'd like to do the same. Focus on the Family, (which is where I work), offers some great information on blended families, custody issues, teens, etc. on their website. They even have counselors you can talk to for free if you want.

I know things are tough right now, but the fact that you are sticking with this shows how much you truly love your children. Your protection of your wife and your relationship with her also reflects your love and devotion to her. I'll be praying for you! It may not be easy, but you can make it through these challenges and keep your relationships with both your wife and kids intact. Hang in there, friend!


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## ImFrazzled (Apr 30, 2012)

Yes I have always put my wife first over my own kids for the same reason that you say that this is your wife and partner supposedly for life tho she puts her kids ahead of me saying that they came before me...I think that is hurtful to our marriage and its thru the connection that i dont have with her kids that we have seperated...She has chosen her spoilt baby 17yr old over me and just cause he doesnt like me doesnt mean my wife should seperate from me...That is my opinion tho i guess woman think differently than guys tho maybe one day she will regret that once shes on her own


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It's just nonsense to say a new partner comes before children. You chose to bring those kids into the world, you chose to break up their family and basically ensure their lives would be much more difficult, you owe them. They owe you nothing, certainly not respect.

To say that your marriage comes first because your wife will be there when the kids are gone is breathtakingly selfish. Obviously having a good marriage will make your life easier and more pleasant, but again, you chose to have those children, you owe them, not your wife. They should come first.

If you're not willing to put them first, ahead of your own comfort, then I don't see what can be done. You and your ex-wife have created a ****ty situation that ultimately your children will suffer for long after you have moved on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

From what I have read autopilot, I think not allowing them back without the appropriate boundaries that you have done...respect etc, is definitely the ultimate in tough love. Give them 3 or 4 more years, and they will start coming back to thank you.

My MIL, who knew my FIL for 50 years always said to us, make sure you keep your marriage alive and yourselves in love because the kids won't always be there, but your partner will for all the years after the kids are grown and gone.


There is a really good book called "Boundaries" but unfortunately I can't remember the author's name. It is based on Christian principles, but no matter what, it has some really good things to say on this issue about teenagers and parent's marriages.

All best, hope you come back soon and let us know how things are progressing.....


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> We have discussed these issues with her and her spouse but they don't seem to understand the need for change


And there is NOTHING you can do about THAT. People can only ever change THEMSELVES...and only if they WANT to, only if they see VALUE in it. You understand this and you and your W must accept this fact.


> Originally posted by Southern_Wife
> Not just "our rules, you obey or get out!". I'm sorry, but that's just so negative.


I disagree! Someone has to be in charge and it surely should NOT be 16-17yos! They have been told the rules, understand the rules, and been consistently dealt-with appropriately for breaking the rules. If they continue to break the rules, you MUST disallow them to come to your house. You have TWO YOUNGER children for whom you do NOT want this behavior to become an example. Your authority cannot be consistently undermined in your own home by teen-agers at the expense of the younger children's learning.

These young adults (especially the daughter) are learning to literally 'RUN AWAY' from problems. Doesn't work so well in the adult world. Probably isn't working so well in the teen world, either.


> Originally posted by Lyris
> You chose to bring those kids into the world, ...you owe them. They owe you nothing, certainly not respect.


Totally disagree! If the kids are being treated with respect, then they owe respect in return. Because he is their father, because he has been actively and nurturingly involved in their lives ALWAYS, because he puts a roof over their head, feeds them, etc. So, Lyris, because OP and his wife divorced, the children must be catered to on their every whim BECAUSE they are unhappy, because their original parents no longer live together, or because they're teens?!? Ridiculous! They split their time between two households: the primary residence is a place of over-indulgence and lack of personal responsibility, the secondary residence is a place or rules, personal responsibility, and expectations of house-appropriate behavior. OF COURSE THEY'RE UNHAPPY. And they're trying to cake-eat. Pffffft!


> Originally posted by Going_Mental
> Give them 3 or 4 more years, and they will start coming back to thank you


 I think it is telling that daughter ONLY 'runs away from home' when she's at over-indulgent Mommy's house! Even at 16, she can see the bullsh*t going on there!

Hang tough, AutoPilot, for your wife, all 5 of your kids, and yourself. I think you're on the right course and I think your 2 over-indulged children will eventually figure it all out when they're older, more mature, and tired of Mommy's manipulation.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

youngsterfromuk said:


> Why do you only give the other part of the story on steptalk but not here?


As far as I recall, he posted this exact thread at StepTalk. Perhaps you saw some other comments by him, but this one was the same.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lyris said:


> You chose to bring those kids into the world, you chose to break up their family and basically ensure their lives would be much more difficult, you owe them. They owe you nothing, certainly not respect.


There`s an attitude that will destroy any childs potential and future.

I speak from more experience than you could know.


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## gofish (Mar 16, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> From what I have read autopilot, I think not allowing them back without the appropriate boundaries that you have done...respect etc, is definitely the ultimate in tough love. Give them 3 or 4 more years, and they will start coming back to thank you.
> 
> My MIL, who knew my FIL for 50 years always said to us, make sure you keep your marriage alive and yourselves in love because the kids won't always be there, but your partner will for all the years after the kids are grown and gone.
> 
> ...


Here's that book: _Boundaries_. There's also a _Boundaries with Teens_ that might be helpful. I've personally read _Boundaries with Kids_ and found it to be very helpful!


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Wow, it's been 4 years since I created my first thread and post on this website. What a difference those 4 years have made in my life.

Here's an update to this original thread...

I have an amazing wife who has stayed consistently strong and disciplined with all of our 5 children (including my two once-unruly ones). Her consistent behavior towards them all helped me stay strong and unwielding in my demands for respect and honor to our household.

Yes, we did see several months go by after this original post in 2012 where we saw very little of my two children. However, I continued to let them know that the door was always open and welcoming for them to come back and that they were not "banished for life" from us or our home. Eventually, they began to come around more often and were much more respectful of me and my wife.

That's not to say that there were not bumps in the road. My oldest once he graduated from high school and started college failed miserably that first year in college. So much so that he got kicked out because he began showing the same issues of disrespect and blaming others for his issues (others being college professors and classmates). The university finally kicked him out after a semester-and-a-half and he was forced to come home.

Once home, we gave him an ultimatum again that he must get a job and sustain himself. That wasn't good enough for him and he resisted with the expectation that we should just take him in and pay for whatever he wanted. We didn't see it that way and so he proceeded to get several different jobs and get fired from each of them after only a few weeks' time. We therefore kicked him out of our house because he deliberately lost jobs that he thought were too beneath him.

His mother took him back into her home and caudled him once again. That lasted only about a month before she tired of his laziness and refusal to get a job. So, she wanted us to take him in again. We said no and so she helped him get an apartment and co-signed his lease. His lease was for 6 months and he was kicked out after about 4 for failing to pay his rent (of which she then became liable for the $1,200 unpaid rent).

Neither households were willing to see him turned out onto the street, so we both reluctantly agreed to take him back in again. However, except for the roof over his head nothing else was given to him. He finally hit rock bottom with no money and no prospects for much of a professional or personal future. He began getting whatever jobs he could (which were pretty slim with his poor track record) selling vacuum cleaners, working commissioned sales, odd jobs, whatever he could find.

Eventually, after a year of scraping by, he was able to apply and get accepted again into college. He will finish his two-year associates' degree this Spring and has been accepted into a prestigious 4-year university after he began working and putting his best foot forward again bringing his GPA up to a respectable 3.54 and also working part-time.

Now he is very thankful for any financial support we give him and is very courteous and respectful of both me and my wife. We have a very good relationship and he is turning into the son we hoped that he would become.

My daughter made an immediate 180-degree turn for the good after the ultimatum we gave to her and her brother about our household and the household rules. Even though it took several months before we saw her on a regular basis, she still maintained fairly regular communication with us. Once she realized that we still loved her and held no ill-will towards her, she began coming to see us once again. She has a loving relationship with both of us and absolutely adores my wife (maybe more than she does me).

She is in her second year of college and is doing wonderfully well. We support her 100% financially in college, yet she felt the need to offer some financial input and now is working part-time (a job that we didn't require that she get). She comes to see us whenever she is in town from school and is just a joy to have around.

She went to church with us last weekend and attended our blended-family class. The class topic was what was called "Blended 101" dealing with the myriad of issues that the children face from the various family dynamics. They put her on the spot and asked her to explain some of her own personal experiences. She said that she rebeled because she didn't know her place in the new environment. But, because of the boundaries that we set was able to find her place and was happy that we enforced them with her. She said that she loves and appreciates that my wife enforced those boundaries and jokingly agreed that she would be angry at me if we ever divorced.

All 5 of the kids (now 24, 22, 21, 20 and 14) treat us with genuine love and respect. We only have the one 14-year-old living at home now as all the others are in college or graduate school.

My wife's three children (I only say that to differentiate them biologically because I treat and relate to them as my own) love me and show me the same affection that they do their mother. The 22-year old male comes home from college just to visit with me and gives me a hug every time he leaves. The 24-year old female relishes the time that she can spend one-on-one with me and seeks me out for my male advice separate from her mother's (spent 2 hours talking with her about guy issues just last week). And the 14-year-old has always treated me as his father because he's basically known nothing else.

Our marriage isn't perfect. But, the bond that has been created through our struggles with the children has made us incredibly close and has improved our communication skills with each other exponentially. It just took about 6-7 years before we got to see the "honeymoon" phase of our marriage.


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