# didnt cheat, but did something quite stupid



## bdttx03 (Sep 16, 2014)

Edit: see post #4 for a brief version. Sorry for the long post. I thought it was necessary to give enough background.

The conclusion I've drawn is that there's something very seriously wrong with me and I believe I have real data to back up my point. I'm not trying to be dramatic; instead, I think I really need help and I'm hoping someone here can either point me in the right direction, talk to me in a way that lets me know I'm not crazy and that there's hope since I'm willing to seek help, or both.

Background: I met my wife in high school at the end of our sophomore year. She was and still is a very positive, friendly person. She's easy to get along with most of the time, reasonable, and level headed. I've always been more emotionally unstable than her, but I'm also a very logical person, which makes her life difficult because I'm more logical and somehow more emotional than her. It sounds like it makes no sense because it doesn't. Quick note: my parents have hated each other for as long as I can remember and I think that had real, tangible effects on me. I'm not blaming them for my current issues, but I think it's a contributing factor.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and the relationship changed in a few ways. She was more into me than I was to her over the years, which always made me feel some amount of guilt. Not enough to break up, but it was there. During our sophomore year in college, we broke up right before christmas break and I went to visit my family. To be clear, I broke up with her because I think I wanted to date other girls. I kissed a girl who flirted with me a lot and I had a pretty heavy makeout session with another girl and also some extra stuff, but no vaginal sex. I don't remember feeling a lot of guilt over that because I must have convinced myself that we were broken up. However, at this point in my life, I know I was simply taking a temporary break so I could get some action with a few other girls all the while knowing my now wife would wait. I didn't feel guilty about it then probably because I was immature, selfish, and stupid, but let me tell you - I feel like a world class ******* for that now.

We got engaged shortly thereafter and married the following year. Actually, I was happy and I remember explicitly thinking that to myself when no one was even around. I had a job, she had a job, we had already purchased a condo, and things were moving. Then I cheated and I still can't explain why. After only 7 months, I solicited a prostitute and spent all of 3 minutes with her before I felt my stomach tie itself in a knot. The damage had already been done, though, and I told my wife that same day. She was devastated and honestly so was I. I didn't tell her it was a prostitute because I thought it was a bad idea to go into a lot of detail even though she asked. I convinced myself that telling her it happened was enough and anything else would make it worse, but maybe that was a mistake. I don't know and I'm scared to revisit it right now. Anyway, we worked through it and I think a lot of things improved. By that I mean for me because she really hadn't done anything wrong other than trivial stuff that isn't important. I make all of the big mistakes, but I made real effort to put more into the relationship and value her, which I honestly believe I did that successfully. I gained her trust again.

A year later, a girl from college (I was still in college, but we had moved and bought a house in another state, so I came back every other weekend or so) kissed me after spent too much time with her doing a class project. I knew what I was doing, but I also knew I wasn't going to do anything. She kissed me even though I never would have initiated and I pulled back, but not quite fast enough. I told my wife all about what happened. She was rightfully very upset, but, again, we worked through it.

Everything was quiet for several years after that. We had two kids, bought and sold houses, made friends, went on trips, and did what I considered to be all the right things to stay happy. I actually don't feel unhappy in any way even though I almost did something very stupid again tonight, so I have no clue what drives me to do these things.

A little more background: we recently moved to another state after I quit a job to pursue something else. She's in grad school (we're both 29, I forgot to mention that earlier) and both of us are very stressed, but we still laugh together and I am 100% sure we still love each other. I can't imagine my life with anyone else and I don't even want to bother trying. I know she's the one and that's that. 

We had a fight a few days ago about something I did wrong. I legitimately wronged her by leaving town a day early to go to a football game with my brother in law and she was right to call me out on it. I got defensive, though, which is something I need to apologize for, but not yet because of what happened today. When we have the more rare type of fight where we both say things we don't mean, it drives me to the internet to either look at porn or craigslist casual encounters to see what's out there like that's somehow a reasonable way to handle the stress. I never have any inclination to actually do anything, so I don't know why I do it. Well, this last weekend's fight was one of those rare big ones and we're both under unbelievable pressure and stress right now, so I guess that's what triggers me to go looking. I posted something on craigslist and met a woman at a bar, but I also went in knowing I didn't want to even touch this woman or be alone with her. Why the hell did I do this, then? I have no idea either. I don't desire to be with another woman and I still do desire to be with my wife.

I feel an immense sense of guilt right now and I didn't even do anything with the woman tonight. I talked to her and I can honestly say there was zero flirting, at least from me. I didn't touch her or offer to go home with her or ask her to come to my hotel. I stupidly let her drive me to the hotel instead of walking, but I also regretted that before I even got in the car because of what that could lead to even though I still had no intention of doing anything.

I think you get the picture. Before you form a complete opinion of me, I'm actually not a horrible person and I do care about other people's feelings and well being. I want my wife to be happy and I often go out of my way for her to show that. She's a great mother, a hard worker, and she loves me. I couldn't have it any better, but it's clear to me now that I have an issue because I keep doing this thing where I need to feel validated or empowered in some way by other women. I've had weight issues, which has improved a lot over the last year, but it got a little bit out of hand after we moved. It's not like it was, but it's not where I want to be either. I think some of this problem is because I feel like I have low self esteem even though I'm pretty sure I don't, or at least I tell myself that. I am sure my wife is a better person than I am regardless of my self esteem though, which maybe contributes to that feeling... I don't know.

Here's what I do know, though: I want to tell her what I did tonight because she deserves to know it happened, but I've stopped myself from immediately doing it because I think I need actual help from a therapist or counselor. Maybe the appropriate venue to tell her is with a therapist so she can ask questions as well. I didn't actually do anything physical, which is a huge relief to me even though I still know I did something wrong, but I'm telling myself at the moment that waiting until we're in front of a professional could be a better way to go about this.

I'm scared she's going to leave me and that this will be the last straw. It's not my decision to make and for that reason I will tell her, but that doesn't make me any less scared and it doesn't make the feelings triggered by my actions hurt any less. I think there's something actually wrong with me and I want it to be fixed so I can spend the rest of my life with her assuming she's still willing to do that. I hope you read this post as the true feelings of a person who is taking ownership of the problem and trying desperately and honestly to get help. That's my intention, anyway.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

wtf is wrong with you


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Passive aggressive.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

*If you do not want to read the OP's life story, and want to cut to the chase to address the actual issue that makes up the title of this thread, just read the text below and ignore everything else that the OP said.*


bdttx03 said:


> Well, this last weekend's fight was one of those rare big ones and we're both under unbelievable pressure and stress right now, so I guess that's what triggers me to go looking. I posted something on craigslist and met a woman at a bar, but I also went in knowing I didn't want to even touch this woman or be alone with her. Why the hell did I do this, then? I have no idea either. I don't desire to be with another woman and I still do desire to be with my wife.
> 
> I feel an immense sense of guilt right now and I didn't even do anything with the woman tonight. I talked to her and I can honestly say there was zero flirting, at least from me. I didn't touch her or offer to go home with her or ask her to come to my hotel. I stupidly let her drive me to the hotel instead of walking, but I also regretted that before I even got in the car because of what that could lead to even though I still had no intention of doing anything.


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## bdttx03 (Sep 16, 2014)

roostr said:


> wtf is wrong with you


I wish I knew. Something definitely is, though.



clipclop2 said:


> Passive aggressive.


I don't feel like I'm passive aggressive, but maybe this is part of it and it simply hasn't occurred to me.


I know I'm going to get beaten up over my post and I certainly deserve it. Writing it all down will help organize my thoughts when I see a therapist next week, but I also submitted the post to see people's reactions. The first two are unfortunately exactly what I was expecting, which confirms there really is something wrong with me. I know it's not normal behavior and I still can't seem to control myself. It's very disappointing, frustrating, and many other things. Worst of all is that my wife doesn't deserve it.


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## bdttx03 (Sep 16, 2014)

TRy said:


> *If you do not want to read the OP's life story, and want to cut to the chase to address the actual issue that makes up the title of this thread, just read the text below and ignore everything else that the OP said.*


Sorry if my post was too long. I thought some of that background would be necessary.


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

Own up to the mistake and tell your wife if you want to but it's a delicate act


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy".
Learn to express your feelings.

What you need is integrity e.g. Say what you mean and do what you say.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

This isn't just a "mistake", and you know that. 

Sounds like you're in the early stages of sex addiction, turning to porn or sexual encounters when you are having issues. You can get some temporary relief or validation, but the problem is still there, and you've made it much worse and have a lot more fallout to deal with. 

You might consider checking out some groups that deal with sex and love addiction issues, they will understand completely. You are extremely likely to fix this by yourself. 

I'd wish you luck, but you don't need luck, only determination and a clear-eyed view of your problem.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

You mentioned porn - what is the extent/frequency of your porn use?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bdttx03 said:


> She was more into me than I was to her over the years, which always made me feel some amount of guilt.


Feel guilty? That's exactly the way you want it my man. (as long as its a reasonable balance) When you see the cats on here stating their wives are cheating, its usually the other way around.

Regarding your dabbling in a few porn sites, remember that watching beaver along side the Columbia River doesn't make you an illegal fir trader.

On what you need to do from here on out, its like my cousin Father Jim Brasseaux would say, "confess your sins privately to the Father my son and sin no more".


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, basically, you have a long history of being inappropriate with other women when you're stressed. Something goes wrong, or even just isn't perfect, and you're off to the races - seeking out other women for external validation. You broke up with your girlfriend to chase tail, you then married the same girlfriend and were cheating on her inside a year, then later had another episode of kissing another woman. Now you're cruising Craigslist for some strange. But, of course, most of this stuff just happens and you don't know why or how or how to stop. 

There's probably quite a few issues going on with you:

passive-aggressive and lashing out at your wife by cheating or almost cheating
profoundly poor boundaries
impulse control problems and/or addictive personality
low self-esteem leading you to seek external validation
bad coping skills
a short attention span
conflict avoidant
lack of empathy
lack of respect for your wife
deep self-centeredness and lack of personal responsibility

Essentially, you're a budding serial cheater, if you aren't one already in fact. I can tell because you say you love your wife and that your marriage is overall happy, and yet you keep doing what you do anyway. You need to be in therapy, with someone who has experience dealing with infidelity, like yesterday. Also, despite your natural inclination, you really might consider that your wife deserves to know what you've been up to so she can make an informed choice about her own life. Right now, you're taking away her right to make decisions for herself - as if she were a fool or a child - by hiding important facts about yourself and your marriage.

Oh, and your wife could probably benefit from seeing a therapist as well. So she can figure out why she keeps taking you back and rug-sweeping your behavior.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

You hate women. Get treated or one of them will damage you physically, even financially.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Calibre1212 said:


> You hate women. Get treated or one of them will damage you physically, even financially.


Where the heck did this come from?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bdttx03 said:


> Then I cheated and I still can't explain why. After only 7 months, I solicited a prostitute
> 
> she kissed me after spent too much time with her doing a class project. I knew what I was doing
> 
> I posted something on craigslist and met a woman at a bar


You didn't cheat? Ugh....yes, you did. Three times by my count.

Whether or not these last two occasions ended in sex or not, they just have easily could have, and that's still cheating.

So you're a serial cheater and trying to figure out why. I think your best bet is to get into counseling. The advice you're going to get here will be more "nuts and bolts". We're not qualified to do psychoanalysis. 

I will say this however. While you're in counseling; you need to own what you did, focus on being the best husband you can be, and *stop cheating*. If you can't do that, admit as much to your wife and give her the choice of whether she can accept who you are.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

staystrong said:


> Where the heck did this come from?


It's written all over his post. Bad relanshp between MA and FA, the way he treats his wife knowing she is genuine, the way he "dates" other women. The emotional havoc he causes with his wife and in his marriage, his control and power issues. He insists on living in strife and putting her through it. He takes advantage of his wife, uses her as an excuse to feel like a man...period...Duh...

My question is...What caused the sudden conscience?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you can't be faithful to your wife divorce her. 

Honestly, it sounds like you've never been that into her and are more of an open-relationship type person; or just need to have flings all the time. Don't drag her into your mess.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

bdttx03, I'm struggling to find a nice way to say this.... you seem to be a _perdant total_, as they say in France.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Calibre1212 said:


> It's written all over his post. Bad relanshp between MA and FA, the way he treats his wife knowing she is genuine, the way he "dates" other women. The emotional havoc he causes with his wife and in his marriage, his control and power issues. He insists on living in strife and putting her through it. He takes advantage of his wife, uses her as an excuse to feel like a man...period...Duh...
> 
> My question is...What caused the sudden conscience?



Still sounds like a reach to get to 'he hates women'.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I think you know what it is. You're just afraid you'll look like total @ss for saying it out loud. As if that could be worse than what you've done. 

*You aren't all that into your wife.* You said she was more into you than you were her. You broke up with her to get laid early on, then married, then cheated because you still weren't all that into her. You said it in the beginning. That's it. End of story. You can look for something different all you want to, but that's about as real as the answer can get. 

Look, your wife is an actual person. A person with feelings, hopes, dreams, etc. You are literally crushing her as a person. You cheat on her, she doesn't think she is good enough. You say you love her, she probably doesn't believe you because you cheat on her. You say you are happy, she doesn't believe you, because you cheat on her. 

Come on now. Be real. You married someone you weren't in to and this is what happens.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

How would you feel if you wife did all of this to you?

Could you keep on forgiving her and giving her chance after chance?


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

My ex husband is a lot like you. He always does everything within his power to remain the "good guy."
He is narcissistic, manipulative, and a very bad person. I could go on and on about all his wrongdoings. 

Bottom line is, he is a coward and a bad person.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Guess he forgot to mention he may likely have a porn addiction...Hey, make sure you don't or haven't given your wife a STD, some of those permanent ones don't show up until 7-10 years later...


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