# Men , do you provide.



## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

How many of you think it's right for the man to provide ?? I work and always have but we have our money seperate and I only have access to what I earn , I always thought that you should both work and put it all in the same account and then the bills get paid and whats left you share . How many of you agree or not?? My OH says" I'd never let any woman near my money", he was the same with the ex too so it's not like he has been ripped off , once bitten etc. He earns more but house bills rent etc is halved.:scratchhead:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

It doesn't matter, as long as the two spouses agree.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

oh I don't agree I feel its unfair and I feel like a single woman financially .:scratchhead:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kendra2705 said:


> How many of you think it's right for the man to provide ?? I work and always have but we have our money seperate and I only have access to what I earn , I always thought that you should both work and put it all in the same account and then the bills get paid and whats left you share . How many of you agree or not?? My OH says" I'd never let any woman near my money", he was the same with the ex too so it's not like he has been ripped off , once bitten etc. He earns more but house bills rent etc is halved.:scratchhead:


Me & my husband live as you feel married people should live $$ wise, he makes all of it , I no longer work at all, and he allows me total access to it. And it works fine cause I am very very frugal, paying every bill almost the moment I receive it. And he has no worries I am going to overspend. 

If your husband had a previous wife who carelessly put him into debt-when he is more of a "saver", this could very well be WHY he now feels this way. It may have nothing to do with you, as you say "once bitten".

It sounds like he makes MORE but still insists you pay HALF, this does not seem very nice to me, unless he is paying for more things that you both share , like car payments or something you forgot to mention. 

Has he EVER complained about your spending habits? I would think if he is reasonable and he can see you are GOOD with your own money 1st, he may relax these rules in the future. BUt if he has complained about "waste" in any way, he does not sound the type to change his ways given that statment he gave about women & money.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband and I both work. He makes more than I do. 

We put our money together, in a same account. When he gets his salary, he just gives it to me.

We do everything together, there is no his money my money, it is all our money. 

I am very careful with our money. My husband really trusts me for my managing ability with money. After paying all the bills and buying groceries, he gets to enjoy a little bit more since he has a few healthy hobbies. I spend some money on my beauty treatment and clothes, it is with all his support. I want to keep myself pretty for him. 

Many times people told me that I should separate my salary from his salary, my husband thinks it is a very silly idea. It really shows distrust in a marriage relationship! And I do see a lot of people have problems by separating their money.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

My husband provides and I spend and I really appreciate and love this. I don't think I'd get why a woman would want to work or anyone would want to work and give someone else their money but I'm darn happy my husband doesn't mind. 

I'm not as financially responsible as I could be but for some unknown reason he tolerates this. I am still waiting for him to be like...uh, what the heck is wrong with you but generally he never complains (except for the purchase of a puppy incident but he really had reason to on that long story). On the flip side, I don't spend money on hair cuts, expensive clothing/accessories, manicures or spas because it doesn't interest me and I dye cut my own hair. I'm more of an over spender on the kids, going out to eat or day trips, vacations or, his least favorite, donations.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm the main breadwinner in our family, have been forever. My wife works part time and takes care of the house for the most part. All of our pay goes into a joint account from which we both draw money, but she keeps track of it and I just tell her what I spent.
She takes care of all the bills and has for 30 years. I spent most of my life in the military and with all the deployments, it made sense for her to take care of the financial side. Now, I work overseas for a month at a time and it still makes sense for her to take care of the bills.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I don't work & seldom work. My husband has a joint bank account with me, so I have an Atm card as well. I can easily access & get his money. He doesn't ask what I need to spend. He just trusts me. He doesn't mind if I need a new dress or bag I always inform him first & he never asks how much I spent.
I take care of the utilities bills, too! I have 2 small flats for collecting rental in my home country but I give my all rental earnings to my parents. I have no earnings left for myself. What I have now is my husband's money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

kendra2705 said:


> oh I don't agree I feel its unfair and I feel like a single woman financially .:scratchhead:


I guess I don't understand why a perfectly capable person would want someone else to make their money for them. That said, I would not chose to live in a marriage in which we don't share assets and liabilities, especially when kids are involved.

But the question that comes to my mind is, didn't you guys discuss this sort of thing before getting married?


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

There is no room for yours and mine in a marriage. Will only lead to problems at some point.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BuddyL33 said:


> There is no room for yours and mine in a marriage. Will only lead to problems at some point.


I definitely don't agree with this statement at all! I know one married couple who run their finances that way and have no troubles whatsoever.

What matters is the couple's agreement, which is clearly absent here.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I definitely don't agree with this statement at all! I know one married couple who run their finances that way and have no troubles whatsoever.
> 
> What matters is the couple's agreement, which is clearly absent here.


I definitely agree on this one. I do not think there is necessarily a "right or wrong" way. It is the way the couples should have agreed on before they got married. If they cannot agree then counselling is in order to at least come to a compromise.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

To my wife and myself, the point of our marriage was also a marriage of sorts of our income. I respect people who keep it separate, but just don't understand. If we split it, would it mean that she has to retire on her investments, and me in mine? As a nurse, she might have a decent retirement, and can get by, but I make much more than she.

Point is, if we retire together, unless I tell her that she can't participate in the things we've planned, she'll get more than she put in it. My plan includes enough investsments to maintain my current standard of living, but hers wouldn't.

I think the point of your thread is the seeming unfairness of different incomes. Personally, I agree that it's unfair. My wife could not afford a signifant portion and still have money to spend on things she wants, but doesn't need.

Once a month, we review the accounts together and compare them to our budget, holding each other accountable. She lets me manage the splits in her retirement funds because I have finance training.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> But the question that comes to my mind is, didn't you guys discuss this sort of thing before getting married?


For me, we got married very young, were clueless, and evolved to where we are.
We ate a lot of peanut butter sandwiches in the early years...


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

My wife is very old school about this subject, she is certain I should provide for her 

I was raised the same way as well.




------------------------
"Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. -Van Horne


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## prometheus (Nov 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> My husband and I both work. He makes more than I do.
> 
> We put our money together, in a same account. When he gets his salary, he just gives it to me.
> 
> ...


My apologies GP, for some reason I assumed your where a male poster on one of my other posts you commented on. I wasn't paying attention. 
Trying not to b envious of your situation. I once calculated a percentage of who paid what in my house. I am paying 93% of the total amount of bills, whereas my wife takes care of the rest. She makes twice as much as I do. Keeps her money her money and l have zero left each month left over for my sport. Haven't bought anything for myself to enjoy in about 1.5yrs. 
It should be a group effort, money comes together, bills paid and whats left over divided equally. I'd rather pull my tooth than convince her of that.


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## Xander (Oct 20, 2010)

> There is no room for yours and mine in a marriage. Will only lead to problems at some point.


This is pretty wrong. This sounds too much like "there should be no more individual wants or needs in the marriage," which is a disaster waiting to happen. Spouses should share money, yes. But they have to have some of their own. Suppose the wife wants to buy something that she wants just for herself. Or the husband. Are they each supposed to talk it all out every single time? Won't that make them each feel as though their marriage cost them all of their freedom?

@OP:

Try this. Set up four separate checking accounts. They include:

1. Joint checking account. This is for common bills -- the rent/mortgage, utilities, kids' stuff, etc. 
2. His checking account. None of your business.
3. Your checking account. None of his business.
4. Savings account. 

Structure automatic deposits of your respective salaries into your respective individual accounts. Schedule recurring automatic transfers to the various joint accounts. The most likely "fair" thing is for each of you to keep the same amount of discretionary play money in your individual checking accounts. He will likely bear the disproportionate load of paying for common expenses, etc. But I think that's likely fair. -- because you won't be spending that money on yourself. That's what your individual account is for.

Ideally, you both would be in a situation where you can buy want you want for yourselves without having to worry whether you're taking away from the other. That allows you to share the common burden without giving up your own financial freedom. 

I think that in this case, at least, you can have your cake and eat it too.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

prometheus said:


> My apologies GP, for some reason I assumed your where a male poster on one of my other posts you commented on. I wasn't paying attention.
> Trying not to b envious of your situation. I once calculated a percentage of who paid what in my house. I am paying 93% of the total amount of bills, whereas my wife takes care of the rest. She makes twice as much as I do. Keeps her money her money and l have zero left each month left over for my sport. Haven't bought anything for myself to enjoy in about 1.5yrs.
> It should be a group effort, money comes together, bills paid and whats left over divided equally. I'd rather pull my tooth than convince her of that.


That is very selfish of her.

She is like, hers is hers, and yours is hers. 

Do you still love her? 

Living with a selfish person like this, there is really little joy for you. 

My husband earns 60% of our total income. We share everything together. There is no his or mine. According to him, it is not right for a married couple to separate their money. Separate account is like pre-nup, no trust for each other.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I have to agree with vthomeschoolmom (vthomeschoolmom is so psyched that her and I agree  )and this is sort of related to my long ago and dead "Pre-nup" thread - it's what the couple agrees.

Some couples keep seperate checking, different utilties in different names, other couples do everything "joint".

Now. . .the problem may be then, is he "crediting" you for taking care of the house? Okay, we split the house expenses half and half. . .BTW, here is my $200/month cleaning bill and $700/month daycare bill - you do bathrooms, toilets and windows and often provide daycare past 6 p.m. And you know what? You don't watch digital cable with all the sports channels. . .you'd be happy with basic so he pays for the upgrade.

You see what I am getting at?

This is where you can start to get a little ridiculous with the "halvseys" philosophy and where it's better to just assume joint assets and liabilties.

However, I have to disagree with your philosophy of somehow it's "not fair" that he doesn't want to pay 60-80% just because he makes more. That's rather "Democrat" in thinking - people making more should redistribute it to the people making less because they are somehow more fortunate.

To me, the logical thing may be to par back your lifestyle so when you chip in half, you aren't feeling the "pinch" and have spending money left over after you contribute 50% to household expenses (and labor), if he won't agree to a joint relationship. He also has to realize rarely in any partnership is everything 50/50. Somethings are 80/20 (money). Other things are 20/80 (maybe affection). Partnerships mean picking up the slack where the others don't and complementing it.

That beign said, I am not sure how it would work in a future marriage of mine when she brings her kids and I want to pay for my kids college and so on. I can kind of dig keeping things more seperate then like your husband.

Good topic.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I definitely think it's what the couple not only agrees on, but can afford. In our relationship, he works and I stay home with the kids. He makes enough money that we can do this. I very much appreciate that this is what we do, given that my kids are not biologically his and it would be very easy for him to say that he isn't willing to support them. Instead, he's taken us on as a full family, often thinking of my sons as his sons. Just one more thing I love about him. 

The thing about our situation, too, though, is that it really only works because we can afford it. If money was too tight, no matter how much we both might want this situation, we wouldn't be able to do it. He'd resent me for not working, and I'd resent him for not making enough or for making me work, or whatever. That resentment would lead to fights and it'd go downhill. So agreement is only part of it. 

Finances can be a very complicated issue to work out. Couples often have different incomes, different ideas of "necessary" expenses, saving/spending, etc. I've always thought that this is something couples should discuss long before they begin combining (or not combining) their finances. It's always better to discover you have vastly different financial views before you get too invested than after, when you have to try to make it work when you don't agree.


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## pizzatech (Nov 27, 2010)

In our situation, the wage goes into a joint account, where most of the bills are automatically debited. Anything that's left over after the bills go out is ours, with the caveat that it has to last the month. I work full time, and my wife has just completed a degree and whilst she is is now thinking about re-entering the workforce, she's currently a stay at home mum.

To be fair, she is pretty good about spending, and if there's a purchase that she wants but is not sure we can afford, she will always ask me before buying.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> I have to agree with vthomeschoolmom (vthomeschoolmom is so psyched that her and I agree  )and this is sort of related to my long ago and dead "Pre-nup" thread - it's what the couple agrees.


Am I more excited than you!??! Tee hee. Drat. Disagreeing is more fun.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

kendra2705 said:


> How many of you think it's right for the man to provide ?? I work and always have but we have our money seperate and I only have access to what I earn , I always thought that you should both work and put it all in the same account and then the bills get paid and whats left you share . How many of you agree or not?? My OH says" I'd never let any woman near my money", he was the same with the ex too so it's not like he has been ripped off , once bitten etc. He earns more but house bills rent etc is halved.:scratchhead:



my answer is 3 fold . first you are partners and all money is our money . your life is together and your life includes everything .if you have no kids and you both work the bills get paid first ,what is left over household needs come next . then what is left gets divided in 4 equal parts . 1/4 to husband , 1/4 to wife , and 1/2 to savings which will be used for you both . you each get you own personal money that is your to do with what you want . you worked for it you deserve to have money to spend at your own discretion that is not accountable to anyone but you . 

if you have kids i believe if at all posible one parent should work and provide financially and the other should raise your child and provide for the home . laundry , clean , cook , etc. for me which ever one of you has the highest earning potential should be the one who works . that is usually the man but if it is the woman than she should provide financially and he should raise their child and take care of their home . laundry , cook , clean etc. . the money istill gets broken down the same way . bills first , household needs next , then 4 equal parts with half in savings and 1/4 to each of you . 

when it comes to finances a mariage is just like any other company . salespeople bring in the money ( the one who works ) the bills get paid , each owner ( husband and wife ) get their paycheck and the rest goes into the company account . 

for years men and women have argues about who does more . the husband works all day , the wife has a never ending job . and the real truth has always been a wife does have a never ending job . and many times they dont feel like their husband help enough with the kids . they feel over worked , under paid , and under appreciated . and this is true . but it is also true for the husband as well . he does work all day , and sometimes doesnt help out enough with the kids . but he does help with the kids and the house . he feels underappreciated because a man doesnt just work for his pay check . he also gets to not see his kids grow up . that makes him underpaid no matter how much he makes . a housewife can not appreciate how much you give up when you dont see your kids grow up . every relationship can only work if its a partnership . and you dont keep score in a partnership .


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

kendra2705 said:


> How many of you think it's right for the man to provide ?? I work and always have but we have our money seperate and I only have access to what I earn , I always thought that you should both work and put it all in the same account and then the bills get paid and whats left you share . How many of you agree or not?? My OH says" I'd never let any woman near my money", he was the same with the ex too so it's not like he has been ripped off , once bitten etc. He earns more but house bills rent etc is halved.:scratchhead:


This probably is a question for the finances forum. I do believe that money is "our" money. The discrepancy is found if one spouse earns quite a bit more than the other yet the lower earning spouse covers an equal share of expenses. IMO I think the expenses should be split based on the earnings ratio. If you bring home 50% less of what he brings in then you should be paying far less than half of the expenses. Sound fair?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Lots of zombie threads being revived. I wonder if that is just symptomatic of Halloween approaching.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Just noticed this is from 2010.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess I'm old fashioned but I believe a husband or father has an obligation to support his wife and kids to the best of his ability. I don't mind my wife working and I wouldn't mind if she earned more than I do. I consider either paycheck to be family money and major spending decisions to be couple decisions. Even though my wife sometimes works, I feel better knowing I could support my home without her earnings if I had to. I just feel it's primarily my responsibility.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Funny how my check goes into the joint account and her check goes into her separate account.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Funny how my check goes into the joint account and her check goes into her separate account.


:scratchhead:well that doesn't seem right.


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## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

I am a sahm and handle all the finances, so naturally we have a joint account. He hates handling the finances so prefers that I do it which is fine with me since he is so bad at it (he admits it, too).

HOWEVER... every once in a great while he will make an off-handed remark about the money being his. This really pisses me off and he knows it. He claims he is only joking around, but no matter how I explain how these comments offend me he will still make them. 

IF and when I ever go back to work, I gurantee I will have separate accounts.

Having a joint or separate accounts depends on the couple, imo. Different strokes for different folks.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Desperate_Housewife said:


> IF and when I ever go back to work, I gurantee I will have separate accounts.



Be careful what you ask for!

Chances are good that if you have been out of the workforce for a while, you could be earning considerably less than your husband.

My wife is a SAHM. If she went back to work and then suggested we have separate accounts, she would have access to considerably less money than she does now with everything being Joint.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you don't believe it's all "marriage" money, get a divorce and watch a judge "share" it for you. It's all just stuff, anyway. I've never seen a hearse pulling a cargo trailer. You came into the world buck naked and broke and that's pretty much how you'll leave.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I agree with those who say that whatever works is fine but both should agree. (Side note: that is one reason that I feel so strongly about premarital counseling. That should have been decided ahead of time). For us, I am the main wage earner. We have joint accounts and I pay the bills according to a spending plan that we developed together. Anything outside of that plan is discussed between us before the expenditure. It is all ours, not mine or hers.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Have a joint checking account for regular expenses and a joint savings account for big purchases and vacations (with agreed-upon contributions), and separate checking and savings accounts for all amounts above the contribution levels. If the spouse earning more feels comfortable after a while, he/she might contribute in excess of minimum as circumstances allow.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I work and my wife is a stay at home house wife and Mom...also a full time job. 

All of my income goes into our checking account. She and I both have total access to it at any point. We are both frugal and don't overspend. I was very lucky to marry a lady with the same conservative financial thinking that I was brought up with. 

I have always felt like all the money I make is "our money". It's been like that for our 15 year marriage and has never been a problem. We trust each other 100%. We have also saved a lot of money over the past 12 years...so it is a good feeling to have a large emergency fund if we ever need it. Good peace of mind.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> I work and my wife is a stay at home house wife and Mom...also a full time job.
> 
> All of my income goes into our checking account. She and I both have total access to it at any point. We are both frugal and don't overspend. I was very lucky to marry a lady with the same conservative financial thinking that I was brought up with.
> 
> I have always felt like all the money I make is "our money". It's been like that for our 15 year marriage and has never been a problem. We trust each other 100%. We have also saved a lot of money over the past 12 years...so it is a good feeling to have a large emergency fund if we ever need it. Good peace of mind.


I thought the same thing until my wife got a job after 13 years as a stay at home wife and mom. But as soon as she started working she opened her own account. But my check still goes into the joint account.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I thought the same thing until my wife got a job after 13 years as a stay at home wife and mom. But as soon as she started working she opened her own account. But my check still goes into the joint account.


What does she say when you ask her WHY?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

That she wants to have that money just for herself.


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## Pinkme (Oct 15, 2012)

He works outside the home, I work from home although I dont bring in a paycheck. I am raising 3 kids, keeping house, and paying bills volunteering for the military and being a long distance wife. From the very beginning he has always stated his money is my money. When we first got together I was working and making more money. However, once I got pregnant with our first child I quit my job and we moved 3000 miles away. He is AD military and is gone quite a bit. We have been married 14 years and he has been home about 9 of those years. He has not been around to take care of the finances, being out in the middle of the Bering Sea in the dead of winter does not make for the best on-line banking experience.


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