# The making of a cheater ...



## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

1) Raised by an violent, gambling, alcoholic father

2) Developed own alcohol problem as a young teenager

3) Cheated on by first girlfriend and had first love utterly crushed

4) joined a college fraternity of like-minded individuals

5) Became a sexaholic (slept with close to 50 women) thereafter

6) Slowed down the sleeping around toward the end of college and sought "real" companionship in a gorgeous woman ... she cheated and heart was crushed again

7) Kept in shape (was always a gym rat) and wandered through several more open-relationships

8) Met a new girl and married her b/c felt she "paid her dues" by remaining loyal for several years

9) Never really was truly "reformed" to be loyal. 

This is my story. It's why I'm here. I'm fighting the urge to cheat every day. My reading infidelity stories and helping others understand why things happen in a way is helping me develop better empathy I think.

What makes me sadder is not these stories, it's what I see every day. I've always been the "alpha" type of guy, leader so to speak, and married women are practically throwing themselves at me everyday. I'm beginning to really feel bad for their husbands I guess now that I am one. And yes, I do love my wife.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

You love your wife but you love yourself a whole lot more. And that is your issue. If you're the guy at the gym who does his cable crossovers at the mirror...yeah...you're the guy that everyone kind of knows about. You aren't hiding it. You might think you are, but the only one you're smoke screening is yourself.

How would it make you feel if your wife was out there with those urges? What about her 'Goddess' that she is gonna find, man? Whatcha gonna do when that happens?

Alpha ain't about being the big dog. It's about being a real man.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> You love your wife but you love yourself a whole lot more.


I don't disagree.



SomedayDig said:


> You aren't hiding it. You might think you are, but the only one you're smoke screening is yourself.


If I was hiding it .. I wouldn't bother posting this.



SomedayDig said:


> How would it make you feel if your wife was out there with those urges?


I'm a hypocrite .. I would divorce her instantly.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You recognize your problem and you love your wife. That's a good start.

What you haven't mentioned is if you've cheated on your wife or just thought about it and have successfully fought the urge.

You know the drill - total honesty. And keep in mind - maybe you're just not right for marriage. Any kids? If not, then maybe you should be single again and just live the lifestyle.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are you married?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ironman said:


> If I was hiding it .. I wouldn't bother posting this.


I'm talking about from her. You can think whatever you want but I'd venture a guess to say that your wife has a sense about the real you.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Why are you married?


She wanted it very badly and I somewhat did .. marriage I mean. Although, like I said I do love her.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I'm talking about from her. You can think whatever you want but I'd venture a guess to say that your wife has a sense about the real you.


She does.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

How do you define "love"?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ironman said:


> She does.


Okay. So, why are you here? To give everyone insight to what a cheater is? To divest your soul of your ways?

Does your wife have a profile here to give her side? I mean THAT would be interesting. Get her on here so that we can ALL chat about what a cheater does and how his wife accepts it.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

C-man said:


> What you haven't mentioned is if you've cheated on your wife or just thought about it and have successfully fought the urge.
> 
> You know the drill - total honesty. And keep in mind - maybe you're just not right for marriage.


I have had PAs in past and regret them terribly. No emotional connection whatsoever. I am a cake-eater. The kind of guy BHs hate.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Does she know you cheat on her?

Have you ever considered that you need a 12 step program?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

ironman said:


> I have had PAs in past and regret them terribly. No emotional connection whatsoever. I am a cake-eater. The kind of guy BHs hate.


After marriage - or when you were single with married woman?

If you don't have kids, and you can't control your wandering, I don't know why you want to stay married. You can't love your wife and do this to her. So either you don't love your wife (so should be single) or you DO love your wife but are screwed up (in which case, you need to tell your wife BECAUSE you love her and give her the opportunity to decide).


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Okay. So, why are you here


I addressed that in my OP.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ironman said:


> I addressed that in my OP.


So, what? You want us to help you keep from cheating?

My advice would be to be single and unattached. Problem solved. I think you're one of those people who just can't be monogamous.

What do YOU think?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

No. Actually, you didn't. Or maybe I can't see it through the "story".


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

C-man said:


> After marriage - or when you were single with married woman?.


The latter, before my marriage .. but with married women.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ironman said:


> This is my story. It's why I'm here. I'm fighting the urge to cheat every day.





ironman said:


> I have had PAs in past and regret them terribly. No emotional connection whatsoever. I am a cake-eater. The kind of guy BHs hate.


Okay...maybe this is why you're here. Got ya. My suggestion is that if you truly want to fight the urge, tell your wife what has gone on and invite her to post here for support. Only with support for BOTH people can you even begin to move forward with your marriage.

Otherwise, I suggest taking Hope and others' advice and leave your wife so that she might find someone and be truly happy.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> No. Actually, you didn't. Or maybe I can't see it through the "story".


Let's turn the tables .. what are you getting out of posting in this thread? Other than trying to rattle me?

Edit: Nvm, just read your last post.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

ironman said:


> The latter, before my marriage .. but with married women.


Ok - so the good news is that you've been physically faithful with your wife - and have successfully fought your urges. You recognize your problem and you love your wife.

This is a positive thing. You were a player, and you still are but you are fighting the urge because you love your wife. That's a good news story. Now what you need to do is see if your love for your wife will replace any of the urges.

Have you considered IC for yourself?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to be rattled.

So, have you looked into any 12 step groups?

12 Step Programs for Sexual Addiction and Love Addicts | Sex Addiction


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

why married women? Did you just not care, or did you have an agenda?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Okay...maybe this is why you're here. Got ya. My suggestion is that if you truly want to fight the urge, tell your wife what has gone on and invite her to post here for support. Only with support for BOTH people can you even begin to move forward with your marriage.
> 
> Otherwise, I suggest taking Hope and others' advice and leave your wife so that she might find someone and be truly happy.


Telling her would certainly damage/destroy the marriage we both want. She is happy as am I, yet I'm fighting the "cake-eating" mentality with great difficulty. 

I'm not going to leave her. My demons are mine alone. I think with time I'll lose the "urges" so to speak.

Believe it or not, your stories give me strength.

Edit: I guess she does know that other women proposition me fairly frequently. I have told her on many occasions about these incidents. Her response has been mostly ambivalence. She's not jealous .. at least outwardly. When she's been around during incidents, she has exhibited jealously.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

ironman said:


> Let's turn the tables .. what are you getting out of posting in this thread? Other than trying to rattle me?
> 
> Edit: Nvm, just read your last post.


I see your edit, but I'll still respond a bit for you as I began...

This place, this forum is about reaching out for help. If you're truly reaching out for help, one of the things you will NOT find here is someone who will let another "get away with it". If you think that I'm trying to rattle your cage, well...you might be right to a degree, but it's nothing personal. It's one person to another holding them to a standard that they seem to be asking for.

If you were in AA and I was your sponsor, I wouldn't treat you with kit gloves. That would be a detriment to your recovery.
This...is just like that. Confrontation here might make things a little easier when you actually talk to your wife. It might give you pause when she reacts to you. It might allow you to give her her due cause to be upset without you lashing back at her possible anger.

I mean, I can be all sweet and nice and stuff and say "Oh, dude, it'll be okay. All those hot cougar chicks at the gym are gonna be hurt but you gotta do this."

But I ain't gonna do that. You want help? I'll give it to you. But I ain't gonna coddle anyone here. My apologies in advance.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> why married women? Did you just not care, or did you have an agenda?


No, I did not purposely seek out married women. They were always the initiators.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK. So you have NOT cheated on your wife?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> why married women? Did you just not care, or did you have an agenda?


No commitment expected
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You're not a cake eater with your wife.... yet. 

I think there's hope because you are seeking help and you haven't cheated even though you've had urges.

I'd get into IC to deal with your urges as well as your past.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

ironman said:


> No, I did not purposely seek out married women. They were always the initiators.


Wow, that's worse, society wise I guess. What was your experience with them? Were they doing this because they weren't getting enough attention at home, did they not love their husbands, was it purely physical(if something like that is possible)? Did the BHs ever find out?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Wow, that's worse society wise I guess. What was your experience with them? Were they doing this because they weren't getting enough attention at home, did they not love their husbands, was it purely physical(if something like that is possible)? Did the BHs ever find out?


The reasons varied. Some had dysfunctional spouses, others I think saw an opportunity to "trade up" so to speak. Others, it was pure physical. I have no idea if the BHs ever found out .. I suspect not in most cases since I kept the relationships short-lived.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Thanks to all respondents. I'll be back at a later time to answer other questions.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

C-man said:


> You can't love your wife and do this to her. So either you don't love your wife (so should be single) or you DO love your wife but are screwed up (in which case, you need to tell your wife BECAUSE you love her and give her the opportunity to decide).


This is false. I read this all the time in these forums and completely disagree. My two best friends are happily married ... and are serial cheaters. I agree their love for their wives/marriages is not "pure", but they certainly love them. I think it is respect for their wives that is lacking .. not love. And yes, you can have one w/o the other .. think of a criminal sibling for example.

I agree that the honorable thing for them to do would be to come clean but that would be marital suicide. It's why cake-eaters typically remain in the shadows. You should know that.

I think it is much easier for a man to compartmentalize cheating than it is a woman. Men just seem better able to have sex w/o getting emotional about it.

Life is not black and white .. it is shades of gray.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So, what? You want us to help you keep from cheating?
> 
> My advice would be to be single and unattached. Problem solved. I think you're one of those people who just can't be monogamous.
> 
> What do YOU think?


I'm not looking for a lot of help from you guys. Most of the comments seem derisive so far anyway. I just thought I'd share a little bit about myself so others would know where I'm coming from. It was definitely not to rub in anybody's face the acts I've performed (which I'm not proud of) .. which is what I'm sensing you guys think. My sharing/posting is more self-therapy than anything .. and hopefully somebody finds my pov useful. That is all.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ironman said:


> I'm not going to leave her. My demons are mine alone. I think with time I'll lose the "urges" so to speak.


It's magical thinking. Time fix nothing. What you make out of it will fix. You need "something" more.
Ask any addict.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Acabado said:


> It's magical thinking. Time fix nothing. What you make out of it will fix. You need "something" more.
> Ask any addict.


Well, I did quit smoking .. cold turkey. It was rough, for years I craved it. But eventually the cravings went away. I'm hoping the same happens with my current "addiction".


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ironman said:


> I agree that the honorable thing for them to do would be to come clean but that would be *marital suicide*. It's why cake-eaters typically remain in the shadows. You should know that.
> I think it is much easier for a man to compartmentalize cheating than it is a woman. Men just seem better able to have sex w/o getting emotional about it.
> Life is not black and white .. it is shades of gray.


Utter, complete self indulgent bullsh1t. Face it.
The bolded part shines light to the self centeredness mindset you have.
Suicide aplies to self.
Marital means two.

Coming clean could mean marital homicide (which BTW is already happening, only the BWs are not aware of it), not suicide.
Can you tell me why do you believe your wife doesn't deserve to make informed decisions about her life such a having kids, planning her career, future...?
Of course, she actully deserves it. You are just to full of yourself to allow her to make them. You will keep making them for her (not on her behalf) which actually means you will make them for YOU.
Puppet master much?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

face the mirror, do you like what you see?
Get rid of toxic friends, read about boundaries, watch them, commit to them. Make yourself someone less focused on self gratification. Don't be that shallow.
Stop buying excuses.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

ironman - I think you're on the right track - fighting the urge to cheat and seeking advice. I actually think you probably love your wife more than you're willing to admit, THAT is why you haven't cheated. And you're hanging out with your pals who ARE cheating so maybe it's hard to admit that you're faithful now.

Maybe a first step would be to inform your friends that you'll still hang out with them but that you're out of the game. Ask them to respect that. If they don't then get a new set of friends.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Acabado said:


> face the mirror, do you like what you see?
> Get rid of toxic friends, read about boundaries, watch them, commit to them. Make yourself someone less focused on self gratification. Don't be that shallow.
> Stop buying excuses.


Look, no need to be nasty. I see some are getting upset and that was not my intent. Like I said, I'm not necessarily looking for advice, just to share a point of view that is all too common I suppose.

BTW: I don't disagree that cheating can be shallow. In fact I think I told someone else earlier today that exact thing.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well that was a very informative post, we get to see the thoughts and EXCUSES that OM's use to justify why or what the heck they are doing...so thank you for this, it helps me understand how psychotic these guys can be..these excuses really suck tho...a good person with everything going for them can also cheat. It's sad but true. I wish I that I never started the EA but am thankful that things didn't get physical with my Ex OM the scum bag he is,,didn't give a crap about me or my family. Yes it's my fault too but see I own what I did, learned from it and am making changes within myself and I will never hurt my husband and kids again. The OM's out there don't give a crap and just carry on to the next victim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

C-man said:


> I actually think you probably love your wife more than you're willing to admit, THAT is why you haven't cheated. And you're hanging out with your pals who ARE cheating so maybe it's hard to admit that you're faithful now.
> 
> Maybe a first step would be to inform your friends that you'll still hang out with them but that you're out of the game. Ask them to respect that. If they don't then get a new set of friends.


You may be right C-man. But I can't turn these friends away. Too much history there. Besides, they don't have THAT much influence on me. :scratchhead:


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

By the way...people have had all the same problems as you yet still don't cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> Well that was a very informative post, we get to see the thoughts and EXCUSES that OM's use to justify why or what the heck they are doing...so thank you for this, it helps me understand how psychotic these guys can be..these excuses really suck tho...a good person with everything going for them can also cheat. It's sad but true. I wish I that I never started the EA but am thankful that things didn't get physical with my Ex OM the scum bag he is,,didn't give a crap about me or my family. Yes it's my fault too but see I own what I did, learned from it and am making changes within myself and I will never hurt my husband and kids again. The OM's out there don't give a crap and just carry on to the next victim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sadly, I agree.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

ironman said:


> Sadly, I agree.


CSS's husband here,I ruined the other man,he's homless and lost friends...everything you name it.
The only thing I didnt get is my pound of flesh and I will get it.
You would be wise to stop or you'll meet someone like me one day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So what kind of Bullcrap lines did you give these women? Did you ever have a care for how bad you were messing up their marriages. Just curious as to whether you played with the married women's mind and how you did it. The ex OM really acted like a jackass and was calling my husband after we reconcilled and told hubby about him...he called him and said he was coming over to F me. He also lied and said he got me pregnant and that my husband owed him money for an abortion. Told him he F-ed me all over our house. This guy had never been in my home and we never got physical...so why did he do that? Do you have any insight on what goes thru their head?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> So what kind of Bullcrap lines did you give these women? Did you ever have a care for how bad you were messing up their marriages. Just curious as to whether you played with the married women's mind and how you did it. The ex OM really acted like a jackass and was calling my husband after we reconcilled and told hubby about him...he called him and said he was coming over to F me. He also lied and said he got me pregnant and that my husband owed him money for an abortion. Told him he F-ed me all over our house. This guy had never been in my home and we never got physical...so why did he do that? Do you have any insight on what goes thru their head?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dunno man.
I mean women like all types of guys. Skinny rock star types, goth poetic types, muscular all american types.
And he never said he went after em, they threw themselves at him.
As far as the demons go. Can we all admit that we ogle the opposite sex? Some of us ogle a lil more. Some of us have women throwing themselves our way. 
Its life.. now I'm not a guy who has had women tossing undargements at me when I walk by but I can admit some guys and girls got the "it" and others not so much.
The deeper problem is why are these women doing that? Are they horny? Is there something wrong at home? Do they need to test if they still got "it?"
What one shouls worry about is why did they do it. Can it be fixed? Is it worth fixing? Is he/she worth the time to work it out?
I say thee nay! Unless u did something wrong! DIVORCE!
That's my route at least.
And then when that is done and I do go out?
Well, the desire wont be demons anymore. It will be instinct and happenstance.
So if you feel u must cheat? Please dvorce first and save her the heartache cause it ain't fair to hurt someone that way.
Alpha, beta, omega or whatever. It just ain't right.

Whew, post is all over but it was fun writing it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I know..what I did was totally wrong and I used the excuse that my husband didn't love me anymore..I really thought that but that still is no excuse for seeking out another man. I put myself in danger..and my husband thru hell. So yes it is wrong wrong wrong and takes both. I am not saying I am the innocent one here. Just would like him to elaborate what tricks he used to get these women to trust him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ironman said:


> 1) Raised by an violent, gambling, alcoholic father
> 
> 2) Developed own alcohol problem as a young teenager
> 
> ...


Some people with all those problems never cheat. Ever. Yet some people with none of those problems, cheat constantly.

There's more to this cheating stuff, you know...


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Some people with all those problems never cheat. Ever. Yet some people with none of those problems, cheat constantly.
> 
> There's more to this cheating stuff, you know...


So true, I agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> So what kind of Bullcrap lines did you give these women? Did you ever have a care for how bad you were messing up their marriages.


Out of all the women I "hooked up" with, the married ones were the most aggressive and direct with me. Some even lied about their marital status initially (not all). But in general, I didn't have to do much talking with the married ones if you get my drift.

As to how I felt, at the time, I wasn't thinking of consequences. All I saw was a pretty woman that eagerly wanted to bed me. Shallow, yes I know.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> I am not saying I am the innocent one here. Just would like him to elaborate what tricks he used to get these women to trust him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simple. I just told each of them what they wanted to hear. It varied by woman.

If you want specifics, I guess the most bald-faced lie I ever perpetuated was to give the impression I actually cared about the other person. I almost never did. It was always just about sex for me.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

ironman said:


> 1) Raised by an violent, gambling, alcoholic father
> 
> 2) Developed own alcohol problem as a young teenager
> 
> ...


As they say "Cool story Bro!"

My input is we all like to feel like WE are different. Our circumstances, our reasoning, our past, our situation is different, but the end result is still the same still just a cheater.

It's just a simple choice man either the moral fiber is there to be a man of your word, honor, love, respect your wife or it isn't. 

Like many guys you are probably very good at compartmentalizing it all keeping the affair life from the real life.

Best of luck! Just remember we all get old, wrinkly, health fails, and one day we will all die. There is no getting out of this world alive, so you could live for you or live for others!


*I just saw you were posting strictly just to tell your story sort of a conscience cleaning effort........hey if it helps you stay faithful go for it. Remember how sex with all those woman is so fleeting I used to play that game too year ago pretty empty isn't it. Sex with you wife is real, emotional, maybe not as HOT as a piece of strange sex can be, but come on be faithful put the old self behind you!!**


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> So what kind of Bullcrap lines did you give these women? Did you ever have a care for how bad you were messing up their marriages. Just curious as to whether you played with the married women's mind and how you did it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's honestly not that hard. I have a few aquantences who pick up married women almost as a hobby because, in their opinions anyway, those are the easiest women to get. 

Watching them in action it's almost like a script. They simply tell the women what they want to hear, make them feel beautiful/desirable, and usually that's more than enough about half the time to get into their panties. They say whatever they have to to reach their goal, which is sex period. They don't care about the woman, her marriage, her family, or the collateral damage (unless it's going to inconvenience themselves). That is not their problem. Not ALL married women go for it but I've never seen or heard of one of them being outright vehemently rejected because the woman they were trying to pick up was so loyal to their spouse.

One guy says it's even easier to pick up married co-workers because then you have more time to feel them out and "get your hooks in". He explained it as something to the effect of: "Hmm your husband doesn't show affection? Well I'm Mr. Intimate!", "You don't feel desirable? Well I think you're sexy!", "All your husband cares about is his job? Well all I care about is you and me!", Your husband doesn't want kids? Hey I love kids!"

It's more involved than that obviously but from what I've seen it really is THAT simple. The weird thing is how many women just don't see they're being gamed. Either that or they don't care.


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## justpissed (Feb 9, 2013)

Why is everyone bashing this man? I'm hurt about what my husband did to me, but I'm not mad at every guy...! Thats what all this looks like. HE'S NOT CHEATING ON HIS WIFE. HE WANTS TO, BUT HE HAS NOT & IT APPEARS THAT HE DOESN'T PLAN ON IT!!!!
In my world that's called life! Temptation is always there to cheat, whether it's on a spouse, a test, while on the job, or wherever! But you strengthen your character by fighting the temptation and eventually overcoming it.

Why do you guys want him to ruin his marriage by telling his wife these thoughts. She doesn't need to feel anger, hurt and become bitter because he 'thinks about cheating on her'. 

Kudos Ironman for fighting the temptation of these ratchet women everyday! I wish my husband could have accomplished this, but oh well!! GREAT JOB!!!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Jasel said:


> It's honestly not that hard. I have a few aquantences who pick up married women almost as a hobby because, in their opinions anyway, those are the easiest women to get.


This is the saddest part of marriage, I guess. An even slightly unhappy, slightly bored married woman is the easiest. And considering you can't be always happy and excited in a marriage...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Some people with all those problems never cheat. Ever. Yet some people with none of those problems, cheat constantly.
> 
> There's more to this cheating stuff, you know...


Agreed, seeing as I...

1. Had a drug addicted step father 
2. Was mentally and physically abused by said a-hole
3. Was cheated on by my high school sweetheart
4. Was in a band where..well, everyone was banging everyone
5. Was a gym rat before that was even a term...if you read Mike Mentzer as a first edition then you get it
6. Never took my wife for granted because I broke the chain of abuse by recognizing the profound effect life takes upon each of us in my mid 20's

It's all about what YOU want as an individual, OP. I mean, 20 years ago I was bending the bar with my squats but the difference was I didn't let my ego take control of my sex life. I don't know how old you are, but age doesn't really matter - maturity does.

I'm glad you're here to talk out loud to the forum about your temptation, but I'd ask that instead of just talking about it, you sit a long while with yourself and figure out why you "need" this attention. That's what this is plain and simple...a low self esteem that needs validation for your ego which is the center of the issue.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

ironman said:


> 1) Raised by an violent, gambling, alcoholic father
> 
> *So was I. I learned to not be like him. In fact, I vowed I would never be like my father.*
> 
> ...


*Being "alpha" is not justification for having urges to cheat. There are plenty of loyal, moral alphas who do not cheat. Personally, I am a fit attractive physician. Most would consider me"alpha". Women do not flirt or "throw themselves" at me, because I put up 'the wall' and make it very clear that I am not interested in that. If women are throwing themselves at you, it's because you are giving them the impression that you are open to it. You probably openly flirt with them, and give the impression that you are available. My guess is that you thrive on the validation you receive. Narcissistic supply, as it were.

You said that it is possible to love someone, but not respect them at the same time. Such a statement indicates a certain naivete about real love. It is impossible to properly love someone you don't respect. When you were cheated on, did you feel respected? On the same note, if you love someone, you don't intentionally do things that would hurt that person. Would you hurt your newborn child?

If you spend more time here, and read more crappy stories, I think you'll come to the ultimate truth, which is this:

All cheaters cheat because they feel they are entitled to. They are selfish and only thinking about themselves. The root of selfishness is lack of empathy. The root of all evil is lack of empathy. Cheaters lack empathy.

I appreciate that you are here, and attempting to up your empathy meter. I would encourage you to get some IC, as well.*


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I'd ask that instead of just talking about it, you sit a long while with yourself and figure out why you "need" this attention. That's what this is plain and simple...a low self esteem that needs validation for your ego which is the center of the issue.


I'm about 40. That's a good question Dig. Not sure I've ever asked myself that. Ego made me do it? Maybe sometimes. If I'm honest with myself, I think it was more a thrill-seeking endeavor than anything. I was so good at it ... it was hard to let go.

The strange thing is, when I was dating my wife I didn't have these urges. After we got married, I caught her in a lie (not cheating but about money) and all these urges came rushing back to me like a flood of emotion so to speak.

We've talked about it, I set boundaries for her regarding her interactions with OM and with lies in general. She was remorseful and scared out of her mind by my taking charge like that. She also knows that there is a line of women trying to "hookup" with me. I touched on this earlier, she only gets jealous when she "sees it", and has kind of like an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude towards it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I totally understand. Look, for a decade I flew private jets all over the world...France, Costa Rica, every island in the Caribbean and every state in the US except for Montana (still never figured out why). There is nothing hornier than a girl working at an FBO (terminal for private planes) when she sees a "good looking" captain step off his jet and walk in. It was a daily occurance to be smothered in attention by these girls. Ya know what? It felt good, too. In my 40's and some young 20-30 something is hitting on me. I won't deny that. However, it's all about what's in YOU. I could have bedded God knows how many chicks the world over. 

I simply chose not to.

I know it sounds like I'm a goodie two shoe. My wife, who's a member here will tell you I'm far from it. I ride with one of the oldest Motorcycle Clubs in the world. I drink probably a bit too much and I love to swear. All of those are my hobbies.

But always have a line. It's your line. Not something your wife tells you is there, either. It's a line YOU create because it's just the right thing to do.

Okay...I'm turning off my "help" mode cuz I'm getting ready for a big party tonight and I wanna be in the right frame of mind...not the TAM one!


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