# Husband prefers masterbating over sex



## spunky96 (Nov 1, 2012)

I have been with my husband for eight years and he seems to have had an issue with porn for a while. I've found porn and caught him masterbating on more than one occasion. Each time it has rocked our marriage, but I love him, so we always worked through it. Recently I came home from work and found a used condom on my sofa. He claims to have used it on himself for masterbating. I am not so convinced. The problem is really that he does not want to have sex with me at all. It is scarce and when it does happen, he isn't into it and isn't able to maintain an errection. I throw myself out there and get rejected so much that I am wondering what I should do. Is this relationship worth saving seeing as we do have a 18mo child together?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What does "work through it" mean? He apologizes and says it won't happen again, you forgive him, then it gets swept under the rug till the next time?

C
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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he won't change unless there is real consequence! ask him to leave for his porn addiction .tell him when he gets some help for it then he can come back. If he refuses then give him the cold shoulder. don't even talk to him unless you absoluty have to. don't wash his cloths or cook him dinner ...nothing when he complains tell him that you would rather not be married than be married to someone who prefers to masterbate to making love to their wife. 

this will only work if you are ready to stand your ground.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

A condom to masterbate?

A hand doesn't get pregnant.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I agree with PBear. 

Why would he need a condom to spank the monkey? My gut is telling me there is something more then that. The question is what is your gut telling you. Do you feel like he is lying? 

If the relationship is worth saving that is totally up to you. 

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to have sex with you?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't know how I missed the condom to masterbate. I smell a rat.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> he won't change unless there is real consequence! ask him to leave for his porn addiction .tell him when he gets some help for it then he can come back. If he refuses then give him the cold shoulder. don't even talk to him unless you absoluty have to. don't wash his cloths or cook him dinner ...nothing when he complains tell him that you would rather not be married than be married to someone who prefers to masterbate to making love to their wife.
> 
> this will only work if you are ready to stand your ground.


 :iagree:

If there are no consequences, he will continue to to do the same thing!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Saying that he used a condom for masturbating is just like you catching him in bed with a woman and him saying he didn't realize she was there.

It's completely ludicrous for him to even try that as an excuse, and even worse that you're giving him the benefit of the doubt, the only reason you believe his ridiculous story is because you don't want to lose what you have with him, which isn't much.


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

If you want to avoid a mess you can ejaculate into a Kleenex, a sock, or a rag. All of these are free. Condoms aren't free.

Ejaculating into a condom sounds odd to me.

Something is up with this guy. Might be time to start paying attention and getting to the bottom of things.

He is likely having sex with another woman or man. At this point, you're lucky that he's not trying to sleep with you. You could catch something. If he's losing his erection while having sex with you, it raises doubts in my mind to the point I added "man" in the sentence above.

Maybe go sleep at your mom's house until you get an explanation about A) the condom B) little to no sex C) losing erection during sex. 

With an 18 month-old, this is really scummy.

PS: Masturbating to porn, in itself, does not bother me. In my mind it should only be problematic if the porn and masturbation affects the couple's sex life. Just like you should be allowed to masterbate and watch porn when your husband is unavailable - or whenever you want as long as it doesn't affect your couple's sex life in a negative way.


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## spunky96 (Nov 1, 2012)

All of the times before this last time, he apologized and said he would never do anything to hurt me again. This last time he said that he used the condom because he wanted to feel more erotic while masterbating. I have tried to talk about why he doesn't want sex with me, but every time the same story. He is too tired. He chalked up the masterbation to never spending time with me because I work such long hours. He hates my job but I love it. I made a sacrifice and took a few weeks off from work, but he still isn't interested in sex with me.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

He "feels more erotic" by jerking off with a condom on?

And he doesn't have sex with you.

He's full of BS, he's definitely cheating on you.

Either way if you want to try to save this you need to figure out why he's not attracted to you anymore.

Have you gained a lot of weight?


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## Relic (Sep 20, 2012)

spunky96 said:


> ...he used the condom because he wanted to feel more erotic while masterbating. I have tried to talk about why he doesn't want sex with me, but every time the same story. He is too tired. He chalked up the masterbation to never spending time with me because I work such long hours. He hates my job but I love it. I made a sacrifice and took a few weeks off from work, but he still isn't interested in sex with me.


What is your job and what are your hours? 

I am also curious about if your appearance has changed since the baby. But it is not an excuse for any poor behaviour on his part.

The condom thing still does not make sense.

I suspect infidelity.


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## spunky96 (Nov 1, 2012)

I don't look much different since the baby was born. The issue with porn and sex has been an ongoing problem since before I was pregnant. I have a few stretch marks because of it, but I am not heavier now and I do take very good care of myself. I am also significantly younger than my husband (by 10 years.) I am 26 and he is 36. I still find him very attractive, but his rejection has caused me to not want to initiate sex with him. 

I did leave the night I found the condom, although he made me feel like a horrible person for leaving him all alone. For some reason the thought of hurting him like that made me turn around the next day and go back. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away for good, even though a part of me thinks it is the right thing to do for myself. I just don't know how to stay when I don't trust him.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

spunky96 said:


> I don't look much different since the baby was born. The issue with porn and sex has been an ongoing problem since before I was pregnant. I have a few stretch marks because of it, but I am not heavier now and I do take very good care of myself. I am also significantly younger than my husband (by 10 years.) I am 26 and he is 36. I still find him very attractive, but his rejection has caused me to not want to initiate sex with him.
> 
> I did leave the night I found the condom, although he made me feel like a horrible person for leaving him all alone. For some reason the thought of hurting him like that made me turn around the next day and go back. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away for good, even though a part of me thinks it is the right thing to do for myself. I just don't know how to stay when I don't trust him.


theres your answer ask him to leave until he can prove to you that he didn't cheat. and that he is going to do some counseling for his porn problem at the very minimum. if he won't leave then if you have a place to go then you leave.

or sweep it under the rug like you have been doing and then wake up 10-20 years from now kicking your self.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I don't know how I missed the condom to masterbate. I smell a rat.


Same here.








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