# Mother in law washing husbands clothes



## [email protected] (9 mo ago)

My husband and I have our fair share of ups and downs. The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids. To make a long story short - we got into another argument today, i basically said because i was so overwhelmed and since i feel he doesn’t help me, then I wasn’t going to wash his work jeans for the next day and he could do it himself. so his solution was “fine I’ll ask my mom to do it if you won’t.” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. I tried to explain to my husband how this is not the solution and only disrespected our relationship even further. That he will never value and appreciate everything I do to make this house run like washing his clothes for him all the time, until he learns to do it himself. I told him he can’t use his mom as a crutch. He’s grown. We have a life to live and running to his mother when things get tough is not the solution.
I then had a conversation with his mother - basically told her that I would appreciate it if moving forward she not wash his jeans because that is no longer her responsibility, and that if he does come and ask, that she send him back home to me to work out our problems. She completely refused. Said she will do whatever her children ask of her till the day she dies. I said - “even if you know he’s only bringing you the jeans because we’re having problems, and that by you washing them it indirectly turns our issues into something bigger. It hurts more than it helps. He’s grown and needs to learn.” And she completely took it as disrespect towards her and so did my husband. Apparently my way of thinking is completely off base. Thoughts?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Unfortunately, his mom has conditioned her son/your husband to thinking he can fall back on her whenever, instead of teaching him that when you get married, he needs to be a partner with his wife. Did you notice this dysfunctional family dynamic before you married him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

[email protected] said:


> My husband and I have our fair share of ups and downs. The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids. To make a long story short - we got into another argument today, i basically said because i was so overwhelmed and since i feel he doesn’t help me, then I wasn’t going to wash his work jeans for the next day and he could do it himself. so his solution was “fine I’ll ask my mom to do it if you won’t.” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. I tried to explain to my husband how this is not the solution and only disrespected our relationship even further. That he will never value and appreciate everything I do to make this house run like washing his clothes for him all the time, until he learns to do it himself. I told him he can’t use his mom as a crutch. He’s grown. We have a life to live and running to his mother when things get tough is not the solution.
> I then had a conversation with his mother - basically told her that I would appreciate it if moving forward she not wash his jeans because that is no longer her responsibility, and that if he does come and ask, that she send him back home to me to work out our problems. She completely refused. Said she will do whatever her children ask of her till the day she dies. I said - “even if you know he’s only bringing you the jeans because we’re having problems, and that by you washing them it indirectly turns our issues into something bigger. It hurts more than it helps. He’s grown and needs to learn.” And she completely took it as disrespect towards her and so did my husband. Apparently my way of thinking is completely off base. Thoughts?


Well you can see where he got the problem from. I really respect you for having that talk with his mom. She did not raise him to be an adult. It's a pretty common problem although this one is more extreme than most. I just don't find it at all acceptable or anything I would put up with. 

You have the option of hiring a housekeeper but I still wouldn't do his laundry if he's going to make this type of point about it and I would just let her do it. Because she sounds like a big jerk. Maybe you should call her and tell her to come over and mop the floors because it's his turn to do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you provide more info?
Do you two have children? If so what are their ages?
Do both of you have jobs? What kind?
Do you live in an apartment or a house with a yard?
How long have the two of you been married?

All this matters in being able to give you some good help here.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Dang, he’s a man child who runs to his Mommy to take care of things. Why has your role been to do all these things for him?

do you work? I’d work and leave all the home things for him to handle for a few years. If he didn’t learn to grow up and help take care of the home duties - I’d divorce him.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> The main issue is we circulate and argue about *is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids.*


Well, what are the chances that your husband or mother in-law will have an epiphany and agree with you? 
Your best bet is to send more laundry next time. Why just jeans?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well you can see where he got the problem from. I really respect you for having that talk with his mom. She did not raise him to be an adult. It's a pretty common problem although this one is more extreme than most. I just don't find it at all acceptable or anything I would put up with.
> 
> You have the option of hiring a housekeeper but I still wouldn't do his laundry if he's going to make this type of point about it and I would just let her do it. Because she sounds like a big jerk. Maybe you should call her and tell her to come over and mop the floors because it's his turn to do it.


I felt the opposite of this reading about the confrontation with the MIL. From the MIL perspective, it’s understandable (predictable) that she would defend her actions and likely double-down as a result. Even though her son / OP’s husband went to his mother as his defiant solution, I think OP needs to keep out of dragging MIL into it and just deal with it between herself and her husband. Despite what he does.

By the way, I’m not condoning his actions. Does he not know / unwilling to use the washing machine? I may have overlooked this but how long have you been together and what age-group would you be? Reason for asking is I’m wondering about the establishment of chores division (and/or tasks and responsibilities) between you that typically occurs in relationships living together and marriages. And then with you obviously feeling very frustrated and him very defensive (by his action in response), I wonder what’s at the crux of it all?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I reread the thread title. This isn’t about that MIL washed his jeans - it’s that you feel you can’t depend on him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

What would your husband’s perspective be about not appreciating what you do, and what he contributes in terms of running the house-hold?

I reread the first post, and no doubt when overwhelmed, sometimes the knee-jerk reactions can come out. And unfortunately, a protective stance and defensive reaction occurred; and is counter-productive to likely what you both want.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> My husband and I have our fair share of ups and downs. The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids. To make a long story short - we got into another argument today, i basically said because i was so overwhelmed and since i feel he doesn’t help me, then I wasn’t going to wash his work jeans for the next day and he could do it himself. so his solution was “fine I’ll ask my mom to do it if you won’t.” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. I tried to explain to my husband how this is not the solution and only disrespected our relationship even further. That he will never value and appreciate everything I do to make this house run like washing his clothes for him all the time, until he learns to do it himself. I told him he can’t use his mom as a crutch. He’s grown. We have a life to live and running to his mother when things get tough is not the solution.
> I then had a conversation with his mother - basically told her that I would appreciate it if moving forward she not wash his jeans because that is no longer her responsibility, and that if he does come and ask, that she send him back home to me to work out our problems. She completely refused. Said she will do whatever her children ask of her till the day she dies. I said - “even if you know he’s only bringing you the jeans because we’re having problems, and that by you washing them it indirectly turns our issues into something bigger. It hurts more than it helps. He’s grown and needs to learn.” And she completely took it as disrespect towards her and so did my husband. Apparently my way of thinking is completely off base. Thoughts?


Would he not help if you asked for it? I don't mean jest telling him to help out more... I mean is he willing to get up off the couch and help if you hop up and say you want to spend the next 15 minutes cleaning? 

Is he willing to hop up and work _with_ you when you are working?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Is it really that difficult to learn how to use a washing machine?


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I reread the thread title. This isn’t about that MIL washed his jeans - it’s that you feel you can’t depend on him.


Now you follow sis. No chance attacking. Hugging mil, saying thank you so much and letting her take over laundry, that's the way.
Digging trenches and building fortes won't work. 
Bonus...mil is the one that tells her son to help around the house. Is anyone following my line of thought.
Deeply ingrained stuff. OP has more in common with mil then she thinks.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

How about tomorrow you give him the entire families laundry to take to his moms, and tell him "thank you!" And let him take the kids with him to visit granny while she's doing the laundry. Then you can stay home and enjoy a bubble bath.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You're right. You can't depend on him. Knowing that, arrange everything else accordingly. Perhaps find out if your MIL will do the laundry for the whole family, including you. Hire a housekeeper. Use a fluff & fold service. 

But stop arguing with your husband about a mindset he will never change. You are only banging your head on a wall. 

If you really want a partner for a husband, he's not your guy. That leaves you with a divorce, which while simple for me to type is a huge change for you & your kids. Also breaking up a marriage over household chores doesn't seem reasonable.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

D0nnivain said:


> You're right. You can't depend on him. Knowing that, arrange everything else accordingly. Perhaps find out if your MIL will do the laundry for the whole family, including you. Hire a housekeeper. Use a fluff & fold service.
> 
> But stop arguing with your husband about a mindset he will never change. You are only banging your head on a wall.
> 
> If you really want a partner for a husband, he's not your guy. That leaves you with a divorce, which while simple for me to type is a huge change for you & your kids. Also breaking up a marriage over household chores doesn't seem reasonable.


Divorcing over this seems a bit OTT to me... maybe some couple counselling - without the MIL...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Let her do his laundry 'til the day she dies. She'll get tired of it eventually and he'll get tired of having to go to her. That said, it is just so hard to have romantic feelings for a mommy's boy. It's obvious he has no pride in being an adult.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Divorcing over this seems a bit OTT to me... maybe some couple counselling - without the MIL...


Divorcing IS over the top I don't want them to do that but the OP is fed up. Couples counseling may help the husband to see the error of his ways & realize he has an obligation to help around the house but because he probably never saw that model of a marriage, counseling isn't going to change his mindset. In his world, mom (the wife) did everything so since his dad did nothing he will resent having to be a part of his household. Thus, my advise to the OP to find ways around him because he is unreliable.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

D0nnivain said:


> Divorcing IS over the top I don't want them to do that but the OP is fed up. Couples counseling may help the husband to see the error of his ways & realize he has an obligation to help around the house but because he probably never saw that model of a marriage, counseling isn't going to change his mindset. In his world, mom (the wife) did everything so since his dad did nothing he will resent having to be a part of his household. Thus, my advise to the OP to find ways around him because he is unreliable.


I would still try...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

[email protected] said:


> My husband and I have our fair share of ups and downs. The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids. To make a long story short - we got into another argument today, i basically said because i was so overwhelmed and since i feel he doesn’t help me, then I wasn’t going to wash his work jeans for the next day and he could do it himself. so his solution was “fine I’ll ask my mom to do it if you won’t.” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. I tried to explain to my husband how this is not the solution and only disrespected our relationship even further. That he will never value and appreciate everything I do to make this house run like washing his clothes for him all the time, until he learns to do it himself. I told him he can’t use his mom as a crutch. He’s grown. We have a life to live and running to his mother when things get tough is not the solution.


Do you live with your MIL? If not, how far away does she live? Just curious how far he went out of his way, rather than walk to the washing machine.

Does he know how to use the washing machine? For all settings and types of clothing?

He seems like a huge mommy's boys though. You cannot control your MIL and she has just proven that she does not respect you or your relationship. Leave her out of problems from now on because it will just create more.

How do you talk to your husband about feeling like you "cannot depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids" and feel that he doesn't value, respect, or appreciate you? Sometimes the way things are spoken _really_ matters. Make it more about you than him.









Was DOES he do around the house and for the kids? Has it always been this way? You said you can't depend on him to help with day to day chores and the kids, which makes it seem like he doesn't do anything - or at least not with any consistency.

Would he go to a marriage therapist? You may have to put your foot down and say it's that or I walk (and be prepared to do so).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think it’s ridiculous for a grown man to ask his mom to do his laundry.  If I asked my mom to do my laundry I think it would take her probably 20 minutes to even figure out what I was asking and why and then there’s the fact that she’s worse at laundry than I am.

My wife has all but banned me from doing laundry.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> ” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. . Thoughts?




Yes, he is a putz, a man-child!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This_ monkey ball_ of a man did not fall far from the tree that bore him. She dropped him on the ground beneath her apron strings.

A good MIL would have sent him back home with the same dirty jeans, not coddle him.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think it’s ridiculous for a grown man to ask his mom to do his laundry.


Where I'm from (not the UK), it's very common... maybe not when you are married, because the wife does it...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Is it really that difficult to learn how to use a washing machine?


Ah, um, maybe...

For some clueless, careless, crybaby men.

Some men feel it is THE WIFE's job. 
Great, if she buys off on that!

Sheesh!

........................................................................................

Shrinking clothes is easy to do. 

Cotton shrinks quicker with hot water, slower with warm.

Heavily soiled clothes need hot water.
Stinky, workout clothes need hot water!!

I do the laundry on occasion. 

The Army made me self sufficient, not my Momma!

Just do not mix colors with whites. 

Wool and the like (delicate fabrics) need to be hand washed, using special cleaners.

The clothes dryer will shrink,_ even more_ certain fabrics.

Hang shrinkable clothes on a clothes line.

Buy cotton jeans larger in the waist. After washing, they will soon shrink to fit. 

No, you ain't getting fat, it is the clothes that are shrinking!
Right!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Where I'm from (not the UK), it's very common... maybe not when you are married, because the wife does it...


Hooboy!

Your dead, after saying this!

The ladies will never forgive you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Hooboy!
> 
> Your dead, after saying this!
> 
> The ladies will never forgive you.


I'm innocent... I don't live in my country, so I'm not allowed...  Only pointing out that for some men in some countries and cultures it's ok... don't shoot the messenger...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I'm innocent... I don't live in my country, so I'm not allowed...  Only pointing out that for some men in some countries and cultures it's ok... don't shoot the messenger...


Italy is well known for their momma's boys and shrinking birth rate. Their fathers are so sick of them living with the parents and not adulting. Mothers who encourage this behavior are terrible mothers who are only thinking of themselves. Italian women do not hold the patent on crappy parenting, though.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Italy is well known for their momma's boys and shrinking birth rate. Their fathers are so sick of them living with the parents and not adulting. Mothers who encourage this behavior are terrible mothers who are only thinking of themselves. Italian women do not hold the patent on crappy parenting, though.


My mother still washes my clothes and cook for me when I visit her... I'm 58... she enjoys it and I let her do it... because, why not? She doesn't see me that often... 

I do agree with you, though.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The problem really isn’t his mother or his jeans. The problem is he isn’t your husband, he’s another kid you’re having to care for. I wouldn’t have called the mother, because your marital issues are neither her problem nor, frankly, her business. The jeans are a symptom of a bigger issue you need to deal with one on one with your husband.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

[email protected] said:


> My husband and I have our fair share of ups and downs. The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids. To make a long story short - we got into another argument today, i basically said because i was so overwhelmed and since i feel he doesn’t help me, then I wasn’t going to wash his work jeans for the next day and he could do it himself. so his solution was “fine I’ll ask my mom to do it if you won’t.” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. I tried to explain to my husband how this is not the solution and only disrespected our relationship even further. That he will never value and appreciate everything I do to make this house run like washing his clothes for him all the time, until he learns to do it himself. I told him he can’t use his mom as a crutch. He’s grown. We have a life to live and running to his mother when things get tough is not the solution.
> I then had a conversation with his mother - basically told her that I would appreciate it if moving forward she not wash his jeans because that is no longer her responsibility, and that if he does come and ask, that she send him back home to me to work out our problems. She completely refused. Said she will do whatever her children ask of her till the day she dies. I said - “even if you know he’s only bringing you the jeans because we’re having problems, and that by you washing them it indirectly turns our issues into something bigger. It hurts more than it helps. He’s grown and needs to learn.” And she completely took it as disrespect towards her and so did my husband. Apparently my way of thinking is completely off base. Thoughts?


You are not off base, but you also do not get to determine the dynamics of their relationship. I will also say that if you had approached me (for all that I would be dad instead of mom) with how you wrote your interaction, I would probably be inclined to do the laundry to spite you. But that is a matter of presentation of the issue. I do try to make sure my kids understand that we are not here to do their work for them, nor solve their problems with their spouses with them. In all honesty, you probably would not have had the chance to make a poorly worded request of me, as I would have sent my son's arse home and told him to either do it himself, or work it out with you.

You seem to have an overall more basic issue than just the laundry. But with kids to care for you just can't leave things to be, obviously. I guess the best that you can do is to try to talk with him, but otherwise, just do the things you need to in order to keep the kids safe and healthy. Don't do his laundry at all, but don't mention it when he takes it to mom. You only feed the troll, so to speak, when you do. Don't pick up or put away his stuff outside of safety or sanitary reasons. at most push it out of the way. Sadly, you are probably going to have to be passive aggressive, since talking does not seem to be getting through.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Everyone is quick to jump on the husband, but I want to know the long story. What was the argument about? Does he really not do anything around the house or is that just you feeling overwhelmed? Do you have a job? Does he? Any kids involved?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

heartsbeating said:


> I felt the opposite of this reading about the confrontation with the MIL. From the MIL perspective, it’s understandable (predictable) that she would defend her actions and likely double-down as a result. Even though her son / OP’s husband went to his mother as his defiant solution, I think OP needs to keep out of dragging MIL into it and just deal with it between herself and her husband. Despite what he does.
> 
> By the way, I’m not condoning his actions. Does he not know / unwilling to use the washing machine? I may have overlooked this but how long have you been together and what age-group would you be? Reason for asking is I’m wondering about the establishment of chores division (and/or tasks and responsibilities) between you that typically occurs in relationships living together and marriages. And then with you obviously feeling very frustrated and him very defensive (by his action in response), I wonder what’s at the crux of it all?


He's the one who drug his mother into it by taking her his laundry, the overgrown thumb sucker.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diceplayer said:


> Everyone is quick to jump on the husband, but I want to know the long story. What was the argument about? Does he really not do anything around the house or is that just you feeling overwhelmed? Do you have a job? Does he?* Any kids involved?*


Second sentence of first post:


[email protected] said:


> The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home *and taking care of the kids.*


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> My mother still washes my clothes and cook for me when I visit her... I'm 58... she enjoys it and I let her do it... because, why not? She doesn't see me that often...
> 
> I do agree with you, though.


She doesn't enjoy doing your laundry. She thinks you might never visit her again if she doesn't do your laundry and cook for you and she wants to see you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She doesn't enjoy doing your laundry. She thinks you might never visit her again if she doesn't do your laundry and cook for you and she wants to see you.


I'm glad you know my mother better than me...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I'm glad you know my mother better than me...


_Many_ mothers love being mothers, and soon miss it, when the _March of the Ages_ goose-steps it away from them.

Mothers find purpose in life through their children, then their grandchildren.
Society is blessed for this.


_Gwendolyn-_


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Not enough information to give any advice.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

That is absolutely sad..... He spends more effort to take his jeans to his mom than to turn on the washing machine 🤣


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

red oak said:


> Not enough information to give any advice.


I agree. I hope she returns and shares the info needed to help her with her situation. There are solutions but details matter.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I agree. I hope she returns and shares the info needed to help her with her situation. There are solutions but details matter.


It being Easter weekend I imagine there will be a lot of people who disappear for a couple of days.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> That is absolutely sad..... He spends more effort to take his jeans to his mom than to turn on the washing machine 🤣


It’s likely about more than just getting clean clothes. But the OP will need to clarify.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

I ain’t no Momma’s boy, just had lots going on and momma sure didn’t mind. (She offered) 🤫


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Is it really that difficult to learn how to use a washing machine?


nope! I taught my kids how to use all the appliances as teenagers. Then explained to them they would be using them regularly (including learning to cook for themselves) - so they knew how to be capable of taking care of themselves as they grew up.

his momma evidently likes him to be dependent on her.

I’d send over ALL the laundry this week! If she didn’t send it back in a timely manner I’d also go buy new clothes!


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

In Absentia said:


> My mother still washes my clothes and cook for me when I visit her... I'm 58... she enjoys it and I let her do it... because, why not? She doesn't see me that often...
> 
> I do agree with you, though.


She can't wash your clothes unless you specifically bring your dirty laundry over there. 
Cooking for guests is what most people do, though.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> She can't wash your clothes unless you specifically bring your dirty laundry over there.
> Cooking for guests is what most people do, though.


When I'm visiting her (I usually stay a couple of weeks), she asks me if I have any dirty clothes when she is going to use the washing machine for her own clothes. It saves electricity and money. We were never a rich family. She is still very frugal in her way of life. BTW, I've always washed my own clothes, when I was single and when I was married... and I cook for my mother too. It's not a one way thing. I guess she also does that because she feels she is still useful as a person and mother.


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## jk1223 (11 mo ago)

I understand where you are coming from. I married a mama's boy too and it has taken 20 years to break some of those habits. First, your problem is with you husband and what you need from him as a father and spouse, not with your MIL. Your issues with him are going way deeper than some laundry. If you keep going without addressing it now, it will only lead to incredible amounts of resentment, lost desire, and an utter breakdown all around. I fully believe you need to have limits established with the MIL. He does too, but chances are, he won't. My marriage has been through the proverbial wringer in the last couple years and we are still on the spin cycle. It did occur to me lately that I have never told my husband what I need from him to trust him to be the leader of our family. I assumed this was something that went without saying but recent events proved otherwise. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, he turned the conversation to sex and/or money and we ended up in an argument. 

So I decided to write him a letter. I tried to come from a place of love but I do admit some parts had to be brutal for him to read. When I gave it to him, I asked that he read it in the spirit of love and well-intent that it was written with because if he could not, then there was really nowhere else for us to go. In that letter, I also admitted my own faults and wrong doings and apologized for them formally. It takes two. I imagine he has some thoughts too and from what little I know about his family, I highly doubt he has learned to express them in any way other than "this is what I want mommy, make it happen". The same tactic does not work with a wife. Maybe encourage him to write you one. I cannot say if it has worked for us or not. It's too soon. All he said after reading it was, "I'm sorry." I don't know exactly what that means yet. I have noticed some behavior changes. We will see where that goes. I don't know if it will work for you, but at least you will feel better having said it clearly and concisely, and based on his reaction, or lack thereof, you will know where you stand and maybe have a better idea of how to proceeed.


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

There's nothing wrong with grandma helping with the laundry.
You called his mom and tried to dictate how she handles situations with her son and that was enabling him as well. You told him to get his jeans washed and he did. Does it really matter how they were done? 
If you feel unappreciated, why not explain that instead of making it about his mom helping him out? 
Plus, they're his work clothes he needs to go support his family. You didn't mention it, but do you work outside of the home as well? Or are you taking on the duties of homemaker?


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> My husband and I have our fair share of ups and downs. The main issue is we circulate and argue about is me not feeling like I can depend on him to help with day to day chores around the home and taking care of the kids. To make a long story short - we got into another argument today, i basically said because i was so overwhelmed and since i feel he doesn’t help me, then I wasn’t going to wash his work jeans for the next day and he could do it himself. so his solution was “fine I’ll ask my mom to do it if you won’t.” He proceeds to take his mom the jeans, and of course she washes them. I tried to explain to my husband how this is not the solution and only disrespected our relationship even further. That he will never value and appreciate everything I do to make this house run like washing his clothes for him all the time, until he learns to do it himself. I told him he can’t use his mom as a crutch. He’s grown. We have a life to live and running to his mother when things get tough is not the solution.
> I then had a conversation with his mother - basically told her that I would appreciate it if moving forward she not wash his jeans because that is no longer her responsibility, and that if he does come and ask, that she send him back home to me to work out our problems. She completely refused. Said she will do whatever her children ask of her till the day she dies. I said - “even if you know he’s only bringing you the jeans because we’re having problems, and that by you washing them it indirectly turns our issues into something bigger. It hurts more than it helps. He’s grown and needs to learn.” And she completely took it as disrespect towards her and so did my husband. Apparently my way of thinking is completely off base. Thoughts?


Clearly husband and mil think they are right, neither is respectiing you and siding with each other against you. That in itself is a whole other problem. You could fight this particular laundry battle for years and will always lose and it will always cause upset. If husband isn’t going to step up and do his share and prefers instead to ‘outsource’ mom, you aren’t getting to change that, unless as I said, you like a long continuous battle that you may never win. So a change of thinking is needed. Yours. You clearly have plenty to do and do your share. I’d be outsourcing all his laundry and leaving it for him to take to Mom. And anything else you can possibly think of that she would do instead of him, that can be carted over to her place. And be clear, ‘this is for your Mom to do because you won’t’ Make it regular, could be it wears a bit thin visiting Mom so often etc Don’t see it as disrespecting you, that happened already when they refused to listen and sided against you. Make him make a fool of himself going off to Mom with his laundry, often, and make sure anyone you can tell, knows.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If a guy doesn't want to rely on his W to do his laundry he normally takes it to the dry cleaners, and picks it up all hung and folded, takes home and puts it away. I don't rely or make my DW feel she's required to do my laundry. Granted, she's normally done the wash but if ever an issue on timing I get my clothes washed, never say a word about things.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If a guy doesn't want to rely on his W to do his laundry he normally takes it to the dry cleaners, and picks it up all hung and folded, takes home and puts it away. I don't rely or make my DW feel she's required to do my laundry. Granted, she's normally done the wash but if ever an issue on timing I get my clothes washed, never say a word about things.


I always washed my own clothes... when I was single and when I was married...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I always washed my own clothes... when I was single and when I was married...


When in college, and broke, I did too.
When single, after, I dropped off all clothes at dry cleaners weekly. Mostly dry cleaning required ie shirts/ suits. Rest came back clean, folded, ready to put up.

When married, still had weekly dry cleaning, DW did the rest.


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