# Did you find your partner attractive when you first met? Or was it other qualities?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ok, so my picker has been off lately. So I’ve done some digging, and maybe I’m going for a certain “type” in my head that I aesthetically find appealing, but don’t see red flags.

I don’t want to go out and find a ugly guy but I hear hunk is junk. Not that I’ve gone out with GQ makes but maybe ones who are cocky and have that confidence that allures me.

For example- There’s a nice man at church that would like to take me out. He’s not ugly, but he’s short and generally not the type I go for. I think attraction would have to grow. We are totally opposite. I’m a talker he’s a listener. I’m a foodie, he’s not.

We do have some commonalities, but I’ve stayed away due to not feeling the attraction pull. 
I’ve had others tell me that sometimes it takes dates and hanging out for you to see who they are etc.

In my experience it’s been the greater the attraction the faster it puddled out and they’re gone.

Any advice or stories to share?

Just doing a little reflection.

Sue


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Somewhere along the line I noticed that personality can imporve a guy's looks a great deal. And as my 40s progressed the buff guy is not always the sexiest. The guy I dated between marriages is a case in point. 6'3" and very lean. He was also whiny, needy and manipulative. That's enough to make any fit body lost its luster.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Attraction can definitely grow after interacting with someone for a while doing regular things. You don't really have to date the short church guy to get better aquatinted. You can see him at church activities and get a good read on him.

There should be some kind of attraction after being around someone for a while or I don't see it working myself.

There is a friend of mine that I would snap up in a hot minute if we were both single. I wouldn't have given her a second look but we had the opportunity to talk and she has an interesting tattoo on her shoulder. It got us talking and we haven't stopped since. LoL!

We are very good friends now and the attraction level is high.

How well do you know short guy?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

We’ve texted and met over the course of a year. Actual date was not too long ago at Top Golf 
Convo was nice as I did most of talking. He wanted to kiss me, at the end of our date but I wasn’t ready.

We did eventually kiss and it was good I’m not going to say sparks but I guess I’m used to that with others. 

We kind of fell off the grid. He’s been in touch and knew what the last guy did. I told him we could hang as friends and maybe do church activities. 

I would say the only thing that may be an issue is if the attraction doesn’t get stronger and he doesn’t really eat. Meaning he’s extremely picky. And I love going out to restaurants- to which he will take me but not eat. He’s tried to change but he says he’s been like this all his life.

I guess we can do other activities if the chemistry and compatibility is there. I’m thin and very athletic and he’s short and kind of flabby. I hunk that might factor the attraction part. 
Maybe I can train him lol


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

For me it depends. The attraction at times has no need for words.
At times I feel I'm very complicated.

Looks wise, the first things that I see are hands and teeth. These two say a lot about his overall hygiene. Obviously, he has to smell good too and be taller than me.

Personality wise, I'd be attracted to someone with a lot of self-respect (not arrogance though), mature & decisive. We need to lead a similar lifestyle and come from similar family background and society league. Therefore, to share similar principles and values.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This guy? No. Someone else? Yes. 

It's absolutely possible for people to improve in attractiveness to you after you get to know them. But you've already been around this guy enough to have some idea of what he's like and the spark just wasn't there and likely won't ever be. However, it definitely could be there for someone else so it's a good idea not to limit yourself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> We’ve texted and met over the course of a year. Actual date was not too long ago at Top Golf
> Convo was nice as I did most of talking. He wanted to kiss me, at the end of our date but I wasn’t ready.
> 
> We did eventually kiss and it was good I’m not going to say sparks but I guess I’m used to that with others.
> ...


Nope. Short guy doesn't get the Conan stamp of approval. Nothing is there.

There might be other Dynamics to blame for the failures of the past. There has to be more attraction, in my opinion, than you have with short guy.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

What gave it away-
The pickiness of his non eating?
Or that he doesn’t exercise?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> What gave it away-
> The pickiness of his non eating?
> Or that he doesn’t exercise?


The problem with him being a picky eater is the foods that he actually eats. If he’s a steak and fries guy then that’s fine but he’s going to have to work off a lot more calories than someone who’s had steamed fish with rice. 
You describing him as flabby is bad enough but also saying he doesn’t exercise makes things worse. 
I know you were being facetious when you wrote about “training him” but please never go into a relationship thinking that the other person will change. This rarely happens and if it does it’s short lived. Bait and switch it’s called.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

It was a mix of everything for me at the time - her looks, heart, good mother, attitude and work ethic. I thought I'd the jackpot, but it faded when it ended badly without rhyme or reason. Such is life, but if a partner has all of these qualities and more, they're a keeper in my book.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The Outlaw said:


> It was a mix of everything for me at the time - her looks, heart, good mother, attitude and work ethic. I thought I'd the jackpot, but it faded when it ended badly without rhyme or reason. Such is life, but if a partner has all of these qualities and more, they're a keeper in my book.


Howcome it faded away??

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I meant train as in weight training lol. I was married over 20 plus years I know you can’t change them!

He doesn’t eat steak. I think he eats weird things. Ice cream, fries, nuts, cereal. Not a lot. My palate is bigger

I could live with that. He just sit there and eat fries while I eat a good meal, and if we ever lived together I wouldn’t have to cook! Score!

All joking aside- he’s nice, has a good job, loyal, has Christian values, good Dad. 
May try hanging with him and see if the chemistry develops?

When we hung last time, I was still reeling from a past relationship


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> Howcome it faded away??
> 
> Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


Just when I thought things were looking more than promising, I was ghosted out of the blue. It hurt at the time as you would expect, but at least I learned from the experience. It's a long story, but I dodged a bullet in the end.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> I meant train as in weight training lol. I was married over 20 plus years I know you can’t change them!
> 
> He doesn’t eat steak. I think he eats weird things. Ice cream, fries, nuts, cereal. Not a lot. My palate is bigger
> 
> ...


What sort of baggage does he bring with him?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> I meant train as in weight training lol. I was married over 20 plus years I know you can’t change them!
> 
> He doesn’t eat steak. I think he eats weird things. Ice cream, fries, nuts, cereal. Not a lot. My palate is bigger
> 
> ...


On one of our first real dates my now wife and I went to a gig about a hundred miles away. On the way back I stopped for gas. We hadn’t eaten so she said she will pick up something to eat and she went into the store. I thought she would pick up some sodas and sandwiches or maybe some pastries. 
She came back out with two bottles of water and a bag of raisins.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In both of my cases, neither were really deemed as "world beaters," but they both had attractive, addictive personalities!

But I was young and stupid then, not even remotely suspecting that they would both ultimately cheat!

One for a company promotion, and the other(RSXW) just to get porked, for the hell of it!*


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When I first saw my wife I desperately wanted to get her naked. Like I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. The attraction was very high. 

But it was actually our first phone call when she started talking about philosophy when I knew she was really something special.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I’ve dated many men that I wouldn’t have necessarily had noticed them without knowing them but I wasn’t *not* attracted either. 

I have a list of needs and dealbreakers. Almost all matter more to me than attraction. 

There’s many things that make a hot guy unattractive to me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I never date a guy I’m not strongly attracted to. This is based on many things, it’s not always a perfect body or face, it’s a body and face that I personally feel drawn to. Some of the guys I date are apparently attractive to most women (I show friends his picture or they meet him and say “he’s hot!”) Other guys I date, women who see him are like, oh ok, huh. This is girl code for “I don’t find him attractive but you go for it if you do.”

I have to feel strong attraction to a guy or I’m just not going to want to have sex with him. So I’m not going to go out with one who I’m only barely attracted to because that won’t be fair to him. I will never feel toward him the way I will have to feel in order to be my sexual self.

If I have a date based on pictures where I believe I’m going to be attracted to him but I’m just not when we meet in person, it doesn’t matter how nice or cool he is, I’m not going to have a second date.

Some of the ones who are very attractive to most women end up being too full of themselves to keep my attention. Next.

Some of the same type are confident yet humble or at least are not full of themselves, they get a second date if everything else lines up nicely.

Lots of men at TAM are married to women who are not truly attracted to them, and this causes dead bedrooms all the time. That’s why it’s not fair to date men I’m not strongly attracted to. I’m never going to fake anything or be with a man who I don’t want to ravage every time I see him.

Some men I’ve been in relationships with got hotter and hotter to me the longer we were together and the more awesome sex we had. But they were always hot to me from the get go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

To answer the OP about Mrs. Conan, it was like getting hit by lightning.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

My first husband was 6'3" and thinnish, built long and lanky like a basketball player. Yeah, he gradually got some dad bod going, but you get the visual. He had short, dark, curly hair and brown eyes, so at the time I thought I liked me who were tall and dark. 

Then I met Dear Hubby and his mind just intrigued me. He was witty, smart as a whip, spiritual, and gentle, and that was what attracted me--his mind. Physically, he was 6' tall and built like a barrel. He had red hair that turned white, and blue eyes, so at the time I thought I like big men...BIG men: tall and built like a lumberjack. 

When Dear Hubby died, I knew that what I needed in a partner was a man who had the character qualities that matched mine--he did have to be smart, and he had to be gentle (exH was abusive so I don't take yelling very well). When I met EB, he is not tall and he's physically fit--so I thought I like tall and dark and that was not what EB was like at all. I thought I like Big lumberjack men and that was not what EB was like at all. He's 5'8" with red hair that is turning salt&peppa, and beautiful blue eyes. Okay--clearly I have a thing for redheads (as I like that attitude!) but otherwise he was not phyiscally what I THOUGHT I liked. 

What I decided to do was to keep an open mind and get to know him...see what happened and what unfolded. As I got to know him, he became more endearing and I found that I liked that we fit together better. I LIKE his level of physical fitness without being a barbell boy--it motivates me. I like who he is as a person and this began to increase the way I was attracted to him. 

Now I love the man and he is the smoking hottest thing I've ever known! I can't imagine NOT seeing him as just yummy! So for me, the way a person is and how they act and yeah...how they treat me...that all influences the attraction I have to them.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

My better half, told me when she smelled me she knew something. I'm good looking and on the sexually rating we complement each other, confident, she said it's the alpha type for sure. But l guess she she liked when she smelled me it was sealing the deal so to say.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> To answer the OP about Mrs. Conan, it was like getting hit by lightning.



Same. I could tell you exactly what she was wearing, how she had her hair, the kind of fingernail polish she had on, everything. Like it was yesterday.

Same thing goes for the first time I saw her naked. Exactly what she looked like, 20 years ago.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not sure I was hugely attracted to the guy I'm seeing when we first met. I wasn't repulsed, but I don't remember sparks.

But he was cute, and we had a chance to spend some time getting to know each other as we're both cyclists. At the time I was new and not as fast as I am now and he'd always wait for me and we'd chat. 

We discovered we had a lot in common beyond athletics....many of our hobbies are the same. He really grew on me and I discovered that we actually did have a lot of chemistry.

Now, a year after we met and 9 months after we started seeing each other I can't wait to get his clothes off. So people can grow on you, but I think if you spend some time together and nothing develops you need to move on.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> We’ve texted a guess we can do other activities if the chemistry and compatibility is there. I’m thin and very athletic and he’s short and kind of flabby. I hunk that might factor the attraction part.
> Maybe I can train him lol


Noooooo !!! If there are things you want to change already Full stop! Then it becomes a project and if it fails it gets tossed. Why don't you just indulge yourself and see what may becomes. If it doesn't happen it wasn't a fit.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me its a guys character and personality that can make him more or less attractive. 

I can't abide arrogance and sadly many good looking men are arrogant. 

If you are a Christian then the first thing you really need is to make sure that any guys you date share your faith. Thats vital.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

IMO, you have to have to visceral physical attraction right off the bat. It's the basis for a romantic relationship.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I am with @Faithful Wife on this one. 

It isn't solely about physical appearance for me but there HAS to be some semblance of a spark for me to want to date. Currently, that spark is lit with men who are extremely confident (but humble), relaxed (but on top of it), and seductive but in a subtle way. It's very difficult to explain but I know it when I experience it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> I am with @Faithful Wife on this one.
> 
> It isn't solely about physical appearance for me but there HAS to be some semblance of a spark for me to want to date. Currently, that spark is lit with men who are extremely confident (but humble), relaxed (but on top of it), and seductive but in a subtle way. It's very difficult to explain but I know it when I experience it.


Yes, it’s hard to explain. That was why I mentioned that some guys I’m strongly attracted to don’t even blip on other women’s meter. It’s because it’s not entirely about how they look, it’s the chemistry (spark) we both feel. It just has to be there. It doesn’t matter if the guy is physically super hot to me, if I don’t feel sexual chemistry it won’t matter.

One of my best sexual chemistry partners looked roughly like Steve Martin (at around age 55, to be clear, because Steve has changed a lot over the years). When he would come in to my work to take me to lunch once in awhile, the young girls I work with would be like, wtf? How can she be going out with this old man who (to them) was not attractive? Then they would see him scoop me into his arms and kiss me, and they’d go oooohhhhhhhhh, I get it now. When the chemistry is there it is undeniable, even to others.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Faithful Wife- I totally get that, and I had that plus MORE with the last guy who poofed and didn’t want to make whatever we were doing work. I’m trying to get past that. And to be honest, the church guy is nice and loyal and all the qualities that a woman would love, but I don’t feel that sexual chemistry and not sure I ever will. Yes we can try and go out and see. But I know that feeling cause I just had it. Man does it feel good! He ( the last one) felt it too, but couldn’t commit.

I thought we were going to be friends, but he even ignored my friendly text of school stuff. It’s hard because we could see each other within campuses.

Boggles me why he’s so distant. I could understand if I was a total witch and did something horrible. But I didn’t. Sorry to get off topic, but yes I agree with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

... + ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> @Faithful Wife- I totally get that, and I had that plus MORE with the last guy who poofed and didn’t want to make whatever we were doing work. I’m trying to get past that. And to be honest, the church guy is nice and loyal and all the qualities that a woman would love, but I don’t feel that sexual chemistry and not sure I ever will. Yes we can try and go out and see. But I know that feeling cause I just had it. Man does it feel good! He ( the last one) felt it too, but couldn’t commit.
> 
> I thought we were going to be friends, but he even ignored my friendly text of school stuff. It’s hard because we could see each other within campuses.
> 
> Boggles me why he’s so distant. I could understand if I was a total witch and did something horrible. But I didn’t. Sorry to get off topic, but yes I agree with you.


Yes, I think it’s important to keep in mind that even though the chemistry has to be there, it doesn’t guarantee an ongoing relationship even if it is.

The guy you had great chemistry with wasn’t ready for an LTR, and having chemistry doesn’t change that fact. It’s hard not to think longingly about someone we have had that chemistry with, but you have to focus forward on the fact that you will feel it again with someone else.

The church guy isn’t the one, I can already tell you that. Please don’t go down that road. It will just hurt him because you will end up breaking up with him.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Be careful, Dear, lest you hear this ditty near, and not dear to your ear.


Really?  

If you feel shame maybe you should focus on yourself and work on that, shaming others is unkind and unnecessary.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's distant because he felt your relationship was moving too fast and that wasn't what he wanted. He may change his mind at some point or he may not. In the meantime, you'll be moving on so what he does or doesn't do is not on your radar. Friendship wouldn't work, even if he also wanted it, because you still have "relationship" feelings for him so best let go of that idea. 

Church guy likely isn't going to work beyond friendship. Too much of what you care about is missing. If he wants to be friends, fine. If he wants more, no.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

OP, the very fact that you're entering this thing with him with doubts in your mind, is too much and chances are it won't work. The _what-if_s _what that_ and _what this _....is arleady telling that you might regret it in the future and you'll break his heart.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Really?
> 
> If you feel shame maybe you should focus on yourself and work on that, shaming others is unkind and unnecessary.


Sometimes my sense of humor gets the worst of me.
Awkwardly so.

Thanks for having Sue's back, I did not.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Did I miss something? Lol


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> Did I miss something? Lol


Nothing important, just a badly timed joke. Mr. Sun thought better of it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> My better half, told me when she smelled me she knew something. I'm good looking and on the sexually rating we complement each other, confident, she said it's the alpha type for sure. But l guess she she liked when she smelled me it was sealing the deal so to say.


All the single men and women of TAM want to know what cologne you wear.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Just el natural.... Never been much of a cologne user, but l sure am into great body hygiene. Since a teen, I have many bottles still in boxes. She's still says this, l asked her to define it she said " you just smell healthy and sexy" sorry nothing more l know that would help.


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