# My hispanic mom is dating a black man, and I don't know how to understand it?



## zx_why22

Well, this is odd.

My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.

This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that. 

Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well. 

Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.

I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change? 

The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.


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## Diana7

You say he seems like a nice guy and that is the main thing. Trust your mum on this and give her a chance to be happy.


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## Evinrude58

What concerns me isn’t that he’s black, it’s that he’s moved in. Most men in her age group that are worth having, have their own place. He sounds like a user.


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## As'laDain

Evinrude58 said:


> What concerns me isn’t that he’s black, it’s that he’s moved in. Most men in her age group that are worth having, have their own place. He sounds like a user.


Did he move in? That _would _be a hell of a change in just a couple days. 

OP, does he live there now, or is he just visiting?


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## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> What concerns me isn’t that he’s black, it’s that he’s moved in. Most men in her age group that are worth having, have their own place. He sounds like a user.


Sorry to not explain this better, my english isn't perfect. He has his own place, he's just been staying for her for a while now. I'm concerned that he's going to want for her to move in with him and such.


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## zx_why22

As'laDain said:


> Did he move in? That _would _be a hell of a change in just a couple days.
> 
> OP, does he live there now, or is he just visiting?


He's just visiting, and staying with us for now. He has his own place from what i've heard.


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## As'laDain

zx_why22 said:


> He's just visiting, and staying with us for now. He has his own place from what i've heard.


is the problem, then, that you feel like you are losing your mother to this man? it isn't really because he is black, is it?


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## zx_why22

As'laDain said:


> is the problem, then, that you feel like you are losing your mother to this man? it isn't really because he is black, is it?


Yes and no. It's just like it's so different, the man is changing her in alot of ways - it feels like he likes the fact that she speaks spanish or something, it's just something I can't get in my head. It's weird for me because i'm hispanic, right - and like i've never had a black man live within our house and seeing him with my mom is just odd to me. It's like a new thing in my life. Like i've seen black people before, but not in this way - not with my mom - or the way he is with her.


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## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> Well, this is odd.
> 
> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.


The real problem is moving him in.


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## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> Yes and no. It's just like it's so different, the man is changing her in alot of ways - it feels like he likes the fact that she speaks spanish or something, it's just something I can't get in my head. It's weird for me because i'm hispanic, right - and like i've never had a black man live within our house and seeing him with my mom is just odd to me. It's like a new thing in my life. Like i've seen black people before, but not in this way - not with my mom - or the way he is with her.


I think its more important that he is nice rather than his colour.


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## SunCMars

This is a sensitive post to respond to.

It is your madres life, her choice.
Loneliness is real.
.
Will this relationship work out?
Maybe.

Odds are, it won't.
And, race has less to do with that 

I personally see your mother as a vulnerable target.


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## SunCMars

Diana7 said:


> I think its more important that he is nice rather than his colour.


True.

Nice, but not a burden. He adding to her life in most aspects.


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## zx_why22

SunCMars said:


> This is a sensitive post to respond to.
> 
> It is your madres life, her choice.
> Loneliness is real.
> .
> Will this relationship work out?
> Maybe.
> 
> Odds are, it won't.
> And, race has less to do with that
> 
> I personally see your mother as a vulnerable target.


I just don't know how to handle this, considering I don't have any authority over her at all. I don't want to make her unhappy and lonely but like it's all so different life is changing so much in this home...


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## Angie?or…

She is reaching a point in her life where she may want something more and different than the role of conservative wife and mom. 40s and 50s are a time for examining your life, your beliefs, and finding out what you want to do with the rest of your life. A person may have given their all to their family, and we start to realize there are more years behind us than ahead and it becomes important to give to yourself.


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## SunCMars

zx_why22 said:


> I just don't know how to handle this, considering I don't have any authority over her at all. I don't want to make her unhappy and lonely but like it's all so different life is changing so much in this home...


Tis' the sign of the times.

So many choices.
So many risky.

There is nothing you can do about her choice. 

For safeties sake, let her new BF know that you are present in your mother's life.

And this oversight, for any new BF, not just for this one.


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## Angie?or…

zx_why22 said:


> I just don't know how to handle this, considering I don't have any authority over her at all. I don't want to make her unhappy and lonely but like it's all so different life is changing so much in this home...


Did you mention how old you are? If her children are close to leaving the nest, she needs and deserves to build a new life for herself. If you are very young, I can see how having a new man around is hard for you, but maybe it could be a chance to get comfortable with people of other races and grow beyond your father’s racism?


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## zx_why22

Angie?or… said:


> Did you mention how old you are? If her children are close to leaving the nest, she needs and deserves to build a new life for herself. If you are very young, I can see how having a new man around is hard for you, but maybe it could be a chance to get comfortable with people of other races and grow beyond your father’s racism?


I'm 17, the younger one just turned 10. I mean, it's just that I feel like the man wants more than just a relationship. I don't know how to explain it but I see her customs, and her traditonal stuff she's done before being in a way - wiped away.


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## zx_why22

SunCMars said:


> Tis' the sign of the times.
> 
> So many choices.
> So many risky.
> 
> There is nothing you can do about her choice.
> 
> For safeties sake, let her new BF know that you are present in your mother's life.
> 
> And this oversight, for any new BF, not just for this one.


He knows, and I feel like he sees me as a threat possibly? Me and my mothers relationship has always been very close, and the fact that this came out of the blue and just started happening is something that I found odd. Maybe I am overreacting, or something. I still speak with my father occasionally now, but she pretty much hasn't since the divorce, and even worse since she started seeing this guy.


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## Angie?or…

I’m sorry. That must be really hard for you. You can try talking to her, telling her how much your customs and traditions mean to you and also that you want her to be happy. You are dealing with a lot of loss and needing to face adult situations earlier than you expected. You can get through this, and help support your younger sibling.


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## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> I just don't know how to handle this, considering I don't have any authority over her at all. I don't want to make her unhappy and lonely but like it's all so different life is changing so much in this home...


How old are you? Are you male or female?


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## SunCMars

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I know your English isn't perfect (it's pretty good though!!) but are you saying he supposedly has his own place, but is choosing INSTEAD to stay at your place?
> 
> Tell him to take you to his place because you'd love to see it. I'm guessing there IS no "his place." Or, he's living with roommates and can move out anytime.
> 
> I'm also guessing your mother's been catering to him and cooking for him and doing his laundry, etc. etc.
> 
> Ugh.
> 
> That's a very BAD precedent to set. Very, very bad.


Yes, we think the worst.

Why?

The worst is often evident.

You could do some snooping on him. Run his ID on the internet search engines. It costs, maybe 20 dollars for a one time search.


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## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> I'm 17, the younger one just turned 10. I mean, it's just that I feel like the man wants more than just a relationship. I don't know how to explain it but I see her customs, and her traditonal stuff she's done before being in a way - wiped away.


I can understand that you feel put out. You feel like the man of the house and it's as if he is taking your place. The thing is that you may soon be heading off to college maybe? If if not getting a job and at some point soon moving out and being independent? 
You mum is alone and is free the find another man. You will have your own life and she hers.


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## zx_why22

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I know your English isn't perfect (it's pretty good though!!) but are you saying he supposedly has his own place, but is choosing INSTEAD to stay at your place?
> 
> Tell him to take you to his place because you'd love to see it. I'm guessing there IS no "his place." Or, he's living with roommates and can move out anytime.
> 
> I'm also guessing your mother's been catering to him and cooking for him and doing his laundry, etc. etc.
> 
> Ugh.
> 
> That's a very BAD precedent to set. Very, very bad.


Hi, so my mom actually did stay some days with him at his apartment. He lives far from us, and that's where my concern started aswell. He is choosing to stay with us, I don't understand why - maybe to make her comfortable, or maybe for some other reason... dont get it at all. 

Mom has been doing all that, yes - it's part of the reason why I feel lost - she hasn't been cooking whatever we normally eat, and mostly favors what he likes. It's just overwhelming for me, especially knowing I still have around two years before I can even leave or do anything.


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## Evinrude58

A good man would not be moving in so fast, and your mom is going way too fast with the guy. But honestly, it’s her business to an extent. What you want and what you like has no value to an extent. Just hope he doesn’t last long.


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## Diana7

To be fair she may have known him for a while but just didn't say anything. 
If he lives a way away it makes sense for him to stay at yours I guess and your mum can hardly go to his often because she has your brother to care for. 

I think some replies have been pretty judgemental without knowing any details. He may be a really nice man.


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## zx_why22

Angie?or… said:


> I’m sorry. That must be really hard for you. You can try talking to her, telling her how much your customs and traditions mean to you and also that you want her to be happy. You are dealing with a lot of loss and needing to face adult situations earlier than you expected. You can get through this, and help support your younger sibling.


Thank you for your message, I've attempted to speak to her without trying to upset her but it's difficult. In her eyes, she's trying to keep him content in a way? I don't want to abandon my younger brother, or her - because I fear more will change. In my head I believe he is wanting her to get used to life under his roof, which I really dislike the idea of that. I hope i'm just overreacting, but it's just alot. I'll keep pushing foward, since unfortunately that's the only way I can go being the age that I am.


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## zx_why22

Diana7 said:


> To be fair she may have known him for a while but just didn't say anything.
> If he lives a way away it makes sense for him to stay at yours I guess and your mum can hardly go to his often because she has your brother to care for.
> 
> I think some replies have been pretty judgemental without knowing any details. He may be a really nice man.


I want to give him a chance, it's just the culture difference that I do not like and the fact that I have a younger sibling that still doesn't know much, what if this guy raises him differently? Or has her move in with him? She's dressing differently, catering to him...


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## Livvie

zx_why22 said:


> Yes and no. It's just like it's so different, the man is changing her in alot of ways - it feels like he likes the fact that she speaks spanish or something, it's just something I can't get in my head. It's weird for me because i'm hispanic, right - and like i've never had a black man live within our house and seeing him with my mom is just odd to me. It's like a new thing in my life. Like i've seen black people before, but not in this way - not with my mom - or the way he is with her.


Omg. Sorry, but you sound pretty racist. Seems your mom, a grown woman, doesn't care what race he is. Why should you?


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## Young at Heart

zx_why22 said:


> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man.......
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. *She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old* - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - *and my mom meets this guy at a community center *she volunteers. *The guy chats her up, and they become friends *- but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. *My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.*
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. *He seems like a nice guy and *all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - *life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now*. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> *I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race*, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because *I want to be educated*, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.





zx_why22 said:


> Yes and no. It's just like it's so different, the man is changing her in alot of ways - it feels like he likes the fact that she speaks spanish or something, it's just something I can't get in my head. It's weird for me because i'm hispanic, right - and like i've never had a black man live within our house and seeing him with my mom is just odd to me. It's like a new thing in my life. *Like i've seen black people before, but not in this way - not with my mom* - or the way he is with her.





zx_why22 said:


> Thank you for your message, I've attempted to speak to her without trying to upset her but it's difficult.* In her eyes, she's trying to keep him content in a way? I don't want to abandon my younger brother, or her - because I fear more will change*. In my head I believe he is wanting her to get used to life under his roof, which I really dislike the idea of that. I hope i'm just overreacting, but it's just alot. I'll keep pushing foward, since unfortunately that's the only way I can go being the age that I am.





zx_why22 said:


> I want to give him a chance,* it's just the culture difference that I do not like and the fact that I have a younger sibling *that still doesn't know much, *what if this guy raises him differently*? Or has her move in with him? She's dressing differently, catering to him...


Since you want to be educated, I will give you some things to contemplate.

What is your real concern, the root cause and not the symptoms? Is it his race? Is it his culture? Is it that you somehow want your mom to get together with your dad? Is it because she is focusing more attention on him and less on you? Is your concern that you mom will try to impose another culture (his) onto you and your younger brother? Or has what you refer to as your father's racism, been somehow passed on to you and it really is about his race conflicting to the "cultural values" that dad passed on to you?

I would say that you mom is old enough to try to find someone who makes her emotionally happy after the divorce from your dad. You may not like her choices, but she is an adult. You certainly have a right to tell her that if she goes to stay at his house (she still has a 10 year-old son) you don't want her to impose babysitting duties upon you, so she can attempt to find some happiness. Of course that will make you sound like a pretty ungrateful child, but then you are acting a little childish. 

If on the other hand, you feel her boyfriend (and yes he is, if she is dressing for him, going to stay at his place, him staying at her place) is taking advantage of her, then by all means feel free to tell her that. But be aware, you better have darn good reasons. In her eyes you are still a child and she has way more years of experience. If you push that you know best, don't be surprised if she tells you to move out or go live with your father.

Again, since you wanted to be educated, you need to carefully examine your own motives. Are they based on your loosing the focus of your mom? Are they based on your mom finding a man who can make her happy and that means you have to face the thought she will never get back together with your dad? Are you motives based upon the racism you have toward black people and possibly influenced by what your father mentored you? Are your motives based on a concern for your younger brother? Is your cultural identity so fragile that you see it being easily lost and yet your pride and ego is invested in your cultural identity?

Your mom is a grown woman, she is at an age where she has lots of years ahead of her. You will soon be "leaving the nest," and yet you want to control her life and especially her love life with a man that makes her happy.

I suggest that you grow up.


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## ConanHub

Angie?or… said:


> She is reaching a point in her life where she may want something more and different than the role of conservative wife and mom. 40s and 50s are a time for examining your life, your beliefs, and finding out what you want to do with the rest of your life. A person may have given their all to their family, and we start to realize there are more years behind us than ahead and it becomes important to give to yourself.


She should do that without moving a man in with her kids though.


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## ConanHub

Diana7 said:


> To be fair she may have known him for a while but just didn't say anything.
> If he lives a way away it makes sense for him to stay at yours I guess and your mum can hardly go to his often because she has your brother to care for.
> 
> I think some replies have been pretty judgemental without knowing any details. He may be a really nice man.


Decades of experience, both personal and in ministry, leads me to believe this was not a well thought out decision by the mother.

More than likely, she isn't thinking above her waste line.

Her minor children should be considered since they can't make decisions for themselves.

I've seen far too many women do this.

Even if the man is great, it almost always causes unneeded emotional strain on the kids.


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## ConanHub

Reading OP's comments, it really isn't so much about the ethnicity as his mother massively altering her children's lives by considering her boyfriend over her children's comfort and stability in their own home.


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## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> I want to give him a chance, it's just the culture difference that I do not like and the fact that I have a younger sibling that still doesn't know much, what if this guy raises him differently? Or has her move in with him? She's dressing differently, catering to him...


Do you two still visit with your father?

Sorry if I missed this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> I just don't know how to handle this, considering I don't have any authority over her at all. I don't want to make her unhappy and lonely but like it's all so different life is changing so much in this home...


Unless you see a real harm from him, let your mother live her life. At her age she's earned it. You may find if he's a boon companion and you stir trouble because of your not being able to let her go a bit, you'll be on the outs with her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> He knows, and I feel like he sees me as a threat possibly? Me and my mothers relationship has always been very close, and the fact that this came out of the blue and just started happening is something that I found odd. Maybe I am overreacting, or something. I still speak with my father occasionally now, but she pretty much hasn't since the divorce, and even worse since she started seeing this guy.


This shows you yourself are heading down the wrong path.


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## manfromlamancha

What language does your mom and this guy converse in?


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## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> Do you two still visit with your father?
> 
> Sorry if I missed this.


My younger brother doesn't, I do but not frequently. We just text often.


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## zx_why22

manfromlamancha said:


> What language does your mom and this guy converse in?



She speaks the best that she can (english), and he uses translate on his phone to speak sometimes if she doesn't get it.


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## heyitsbryanne

Young at Heart said:


> Since you want to be educated, I will give you some things to contemplate.
> 
> What is your real concern, the root cause and not the symptoms? Is it his race? Is it his culture? Is it that you somehow want your mom to get together with your dad? Is it because she is focusing more attention on him and less on you? Is your concern that you mom will try to impose another culture (his) onto you and your younger brother? Or has what you refer to as your father's racism, been somehow passed on to you and it really is about his race conflicting to the "cultural values" that dad passed on to you?
> 
> I would say that you mom is old enough to try to find someone who makes her emotionally happy after the divorce from your dad. You may not like her choices, but she is an adult. You certainly have a right to tell her that if she goes to stay at his house (she still has a 10 year-old son) you don't want her to impose babysitting duties upon you, so she can attempt to find some happiness. Of course that will make you sound like a pretty ungrateful child, but then you are acting a little childish.
> 
> If on the other hand, you feel her boyfriend (and yes he is, if she is dressing for him, going to stay at his place, him staying at her place) is taking advantage of her, then by all means feel free to tell her that. But be aware, you better have darn good reasons. In her eyes you are still a child and she has way more years of experience. If you push that you know best, don't be surprised if she tells you to move out or go live with your father.
> 
> Again, since you wanted to be educated, you need to carefully examine your own motives. Are they based on your loosing the focus of your mom? Are they based on your mom finding a man who can make her happy and that means you have to face the thought she will never get back together with your dad? Are you motives based upon the racism you have toward black people and possibly influenced by what your father mentored you? Are your motives based on a concern for your younger brother? Is your cultural identity so fragile that you see it being easily lost and yet your pride and ego is invested in your cultural identity?
> 
> Your mom is a grown woman, she is at an age where she has lots of years ahead of her. You will soon be "leaving the nest," and yet you want to control her life and especially her love life with a man that makes her happy.
> 
> I suggest that you grow up.



I had to comment here, I wanted to ignore it but this...
Jesus Christ, this thread is taking a weird turn with you... I hate to start an argument but what is wrong with you...why are you ganging up on this boy? 

He is well within his right to want to preserve or maintain his culture and traditions, and if you read into his posts and replies you can clearly see the man does not want to maintain that at all. 

If you read his post, it clearly says he grew up with his mom and dad since birth, immigrated here. It's not as simple as it seems - this is coming from someone who came from India. In other countries, mixed race relations are NOT the norm, and they are NOT as common as they are here in the States. 

The boy is distraught, and feels as if he is losing his mother - the one who raised him? And he has reasons to be worried about the young one - Hispanic people, and black people, as harsh as it sounds... ARE NOT THE SAME CULTURALLY! There is different languages, food, customs, the way the boys are raised, there's more of a family connection. 

Something about this whole post though, does tell me that the boy is worried .... and has a gut feeling. To accuse him or racism, and insult his culture is insanity. You expect any son to just let his mom be changed? I'm not suggesting he stop it, because he has no right to do so, but ways to cope or understand would be better.


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## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> My younger brother doesn't, I do but not frequently. We just text often.


Why is your father not more involved with you two?


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## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> Why is your father not more involved with you two?


Well, he speaks to me through text, but he went back to El Salvador after the whole situation. He wanted to be close to his family. With my brother, it's a situation in terms of him leaving the country, and her wanting him to be raised by her. Its why i am a bit concerned about the guy, because I grew up with my birth mom and dad...


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## heyitsbryanne

zx_why22 said:


> She speaks the best that she can (english), and he uses translate on his phone to speak sometimes if she doesn't get it.


does nobody find this concerning? the guy doesn't even speak the mother tongue of the family? no wonder you're worried, op.


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## sokillme

zx_why22 said:


> Well, this is odd.
> 
> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.


It's hard to see your parents with someone else besides each other.

However if your traditions are bigoted maybe she wised up. The color of someones skin is insignificance. But maybe it's the American thing that is the problem as there are dark skinned Hispanics. Either way it's really not your choice.

Besides that, your Dad probably fit what in your mind is the ideal, how did that work out? Seems like she wasn't happy.

Maybe the divorce is new so seeing your Mom with someone else isn't easy. It happens though. Nothing new or unusual. 

Now it's normal that this makes you uncomfortable but that doesn't mean there is something wrong. It's just different. Until you an point to something wrong then that is all it is.

You are young, so maybe you haven't gotten this yet, but your Mom is her own person. She has her own emotional life that really in the long run now that you are almost grown you have very little influence over. You are 17 on the cusp of being an adult. You will move on and will want to have your own life, so does she. This is her choice, and being an adult you have to respect it. Until the guy actually does anything besides exist then what can you say?

Maybe what she has learned that you might not know yet is that character is what makes a good relationship, not tradition. Or maybe she just likes this guy. Either way, it's her life.

He also could turn out to be a good guy too, and in that case you might do well to pay attention because it seems like what was mirrored for you growing up didn't work out. Maybe you can learn a thing or too.

So all that being said until the guy does something wrong, you have to get used to him. You will have to find a way to come to terms with it.


----------



## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> He knows, and I feel like he sees me as a threat possibly? Me and my mothers relationship has always been very close, and the fact that this came out of the blue and just started happening is something that I found odd. Maybe I am overreacting, or something. I still speak with my father occasionally now, but she pretty much hasn't since the divorce, and even worse since she started seeing this guy.


Has he tried to exert authority over you or your brother?


----------



## sokillme

heyitsbryanne said:


> does nobody find this concerning? the guy doesn't even speak the mother tongue of the family? no wonder you're worried, op.


If she wants someone who is purple and they only sing to each other in pig latin, if they are happy who are they hurting? They are not married, they are dating. Who is anyone to say? She doesn't have to get permission.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> He knows, and I feel like he sees me as a threat possibly? Me and my mothers relationship has always been very close, and the fact that this came out of the blue and just started happening is something that I found odd. Maybe I am overreacting, or something. I still speak with my father occasionally now, but she pretty much hasn't since the divorce, and even worse since she started seeing this guy.


I believe I read a post he moved in, but you responded he didn't, can you clarify did they move in together? Thanks.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

sokillme said:


> If she wants someone who is purple and they only sing to each other in pig latin, if they are happy who are they hurting? They are not married, they are dating. Who is anyone to say? She doesn't have to get permission.



Right... except it's clear from the posts that the guy clearly wants to develop something more than just "dating" 

What "boyfriend" or "date" has a woman dress differently, phase out cultural foods or traditions?! What "date" moves in with someone, knowing they have kids?!?!?! even if it's temporarily.


----------



## zx_why22

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I believe I read a post he moved in, but you responded he didn't, can you clarify did they move in together? Thanks.


yeah he's been living here for about three months now at our place, which i have lived in since the divorce happened.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

heyitsbryanne said:


> Right... except it's clear from the posts that the guy clearly wants to develop something more than just "dating"
> 
> What "boyfriend" or "date" has a woman dress differently, phase out cultural foods or traditions?! What "date" moves in with someone, knowing they have kids?!?!?! even if it's temporarily.


I don't think he's moved in. If wrong OP pls correct me.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> yeah he's been living here for about three months now at our place, which i have lived in since the divorce happened.


Thanks for the update. That's new info.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't think he's moved in. If wrong OP pls correct me.


I just saw your reply OP. Thanks for the update. That's new info.


----------



## sokillme

heyitsbryanne said:


> Right... except it's clear from the posts that the guy clearly wants to develop something more than just "dating"
> 
> What "boyfriend" or "date" has a woman dress differently, phase out cultural foods or traditions?! What "date" moves in with someone, knowing they have kids?!?!?! even if it's temporarily.


Peoples life don't stop because they are divorced with kids. Every kid whose parent remarried have parents who started dressing differently and got into things with the person they ended up marrying. That's dating. There is nothing nefarious about that in and of itself.


----------



## ConanHub

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thanks for the update. That's new info.


Radar pinging? Mine is.


----------



## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> Has he tried to exert authority over you or your brother?


my brother yes, he's been talking to him - trying to I guess appeal to him and has set bedtimes with him, stuff like that. he's been getting me to do his chores and stuff so i'd say yes.


----------



## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> my brother yes, he's been talking to him - trying to I guess appeal to him and has set bedtimes with him, stuff like that. he's been getting me to do his chores and stuff so i'd say yes.


Full stop. Tell your mom it's her choice who she has as a boyfriend but that doesn't allow him authority over you.

If she wants to talk to you and have you do things, that's between you two.

Her boyfriend needs to back off.


----------



## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> my brother yes, he's been talking to him - trying to I guess appeal to him and has set bedtimes with him, stuff like that. he's been getting me to do his chores and stuff so i'd say yes.


How are you doing in school? Do you know how your brother is doing?


----------



## sokillme

Young at Heart said:


> Since you want to be educated, I will give you some things to contemplate.
> 
> What is your real concern, the root cause and not the symptoms? Is it his race? Is it his culture? Is it that you somehow want your mom to get together with your dad? Is it because she is focusing more attention on him and less on you? Is your concern that you mom will try to impose another culture (his) onto you and your younger brother? Or has what you refer to as your father's racism, been somehow passed on to you and it really is about his race conflicting to the "cultural values" that dad passed on to you?
> 
> I would say that you mom is old enough to try to find someone who makes her emotionally happy after the divorce from your dad. You may not like her choices, but she is an adult. You certainly have a right to tell her that if she goes to stay at his house (she still has a 10 year-old son) you don't want her to impose babysitting duties upon you, so she can attempt to find some happiness. Of course that will make you sound like a pretty ungrateful child, but then you are acting a little childish.
> 
> If on the other hand, you feel her boyfriend (and yes he is, if she is dressing for him, going to stay at his place, him staying at her place) is taking advantage of her, then by all means feel free to tell her that. But be aware, you better have darn good reasons. In her eyes you are still a child and she has way more years of experience. If you push that you know best, don't be surprised if she tells you to move out or go live with your father.
> 
> Again, since you wanted to be educated, you need to carefully examine your own motives. Are they based on your loosing the focus of your mom? Are they based on your mom finding a man who can make her happy and that means you have to face the thought she will never get back together with your dad? Are you motives based upon the racism you have toward black people and possibly influenced by what your father mentored you? Are your motives based on a concern for your younger brother? Is your cultural identity so fragile that you see it being easily lost and yet your pride and ego is invested in your cultural identity?
> 
> Your mom is a grown woman, she is at an age where she has lots of years ahead of her. You will soon be "leaving the nest," and yet you want to control her life and especially her love life with a man that makes her happy.
> 
> I suggest that you grow up.


The whole premise of the title is that he is a "black man". Not a good way to start. 

Many of us think this is like saying, My mom is dating a person who is left handed and we reacted as such.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

sokillme said:


> Peoples life don't stop because they are divorced with kids. Every kid whose parent remarried have parents who started dressing differently and got into things with the person they ended up marrying. That's dating. There is nothing nefarious about that in and of itself.



you're purposely missing the point, this man is not wanting to mix cultures, or integrate.... LOOK AT THE POSTS. This guy clearly wants to impose his customs and traditions rather than hers and her sons... 

Hispanic people are vastly different from others, just like Indians are different from black people, white people, etc. 

like how is just coming in and changing stuff normal? when has a date or relationship that's not even a marriage ever been like this? this is so weird and why are people making the kid seem like some madman?!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> Sorry to not explain this better, my english isn't perfect. He has his own place, he's just been staying for her for a while now. I'm concerned that he's going to want for her to move in with him and such.


Does he still have his own place, re your other post he's moved in 3 months ago?

I do think caution and eyes open are watchwords but perhaps be aware that life moves forward and barring harmful acts from him, they may be in the early relationship glow period. Trust your Mom, but certainly remain aware of facts.

Being a divorced Mom's son can be hard. Just use good judgment.


----------



## GaLaxya

I have a few questions for you. Ypu should think about it. 

Would it be a problem of he was 'white'?

Do you think Hispanic people are rrlated to white people and not tp 'black' people?

If you are hispanic, you very likely have African decendent too unless you are full blown native American that never moxed with Europeans or any other culture. Like from a tribe that lives in the jungle?

You are not? Well, then you are not that far away from 'black' culture.

You like salsa? Hispanic listen to a lot of salsa.
Guess what? Salsa comes from the African slaves.
If you have Salsa as part of your culture, you have African roots.
You have Santaria. Santaria comes from Africa and is also practiced in Africa like Voodoo.

His blackness isn't the problem. I know how racist Hispanics are sometimes in order to try to be jind of white, believing straight hair and not being as dark as most black people make you white. And then they go dance salsa.

If you are scared about black influences you should consider that you are the decendent of humans that were isolated from the rest of the world for 40.000 years more or less. Whereas Europe, Asia and Africa co-existed and genetically interchanged.
Then there was a massive invasion of humans from Eufrasia (this is a term for the unity of Ezropa, Africa and Asia) and your ancestors got re-assimilated inot the world wide genepool.

I am not saying you are racist. It is not clear. It looks like you are just looking for excuses to reject him. you are young and your reaction is normal. 
But educating yourself may help.
Don't become a racist fool. Open your eyes.

As an Hispanic you should educate yourself more about the diverse routes of your culture. Then you will understand that rejecting or erasing influences of other cultures is like trying to abort yourself kind of.

I think you have a wrong perception of the world.
Maybe you should travel more once you are older and might be able to effort it. This will also dostrect you from your mother.

She is grown up. It isn't your job nor healthy i
f you try to interfere with her love life.



If you have a spanish name, it means your ancestors were owned by 'white' people. Therefore, you have a lot in common with those african decedents you call 'blacks'. 


Whaz is your culture? Spanish is a European language. You Hispanic people didn't even speak your own ancient language any more. whiped out by Europeans and know you want to protect that.

If you are scared of other cultural influences you are in denial of your own culture and background.

You are yourself the rrsult of different cultures mixing together. 
Maybe go to a library and educate yourself about your own past. This hopefully opens your horizon and help you learn to be tolerant.

Live your live and stop trying to cobtrol your mother and your brother. Sounds like you think you are her husband now or something.

Go out and date women. 
A new partner can be challenging, but you have to expect that cgange happens. And your brother doesn't have to grow up like you did.

As an older sibling it isn't your job to make how he should grow up.
Try to be more open and mpre a kid to your mom.

Maybe you can talk about your feelongs to your mother. It is OK. But understand that you shouödn't make it about his ohysical appearance 
You are scared of the changes.
But this is part of growing up.
You'll learn that change doesn't mean bad things happen. Change also opens the door for new exciting things. 

If you learn about your history, you'll also see how much demage racism has done to your ancestors. 

The white people dod a lot of horrible things also to your ancestors, because they wanted to preserve their culture. Like you they didn't want to mix up their culture and thereforeninvented excuses to do horrible things to your ancestors.

I know the problem is about your mother having a new guy. But those changes you are seeing are not the rrsult of him being 'black'.

People change when they are in love. You'll ecperience the same some day. Ot is difficult to see your mother changing. Now you are confronted with the fact, that your mother is only a human. A woman and not just your mother.
It has nothing to do with the guys background. 

If he would be hispanic, you would feel the same about other things she or they would do.

moat children of parents who find new partners go through this. You'll get used to it.

I had a friend who with her sibling terrorist her mothers new boyfriend.
they would call him and insult him, tell him to p*** off and then hang up. Later they grew up and accepted him.

Just for you to see, a new partner is very often stressfull for a child. But it doesn't mean the new partner needs to go.


I know, my post may sound strange. But you are now in a phase of live in which you need to find out who you are and focus on yourself to come to terms with live.

Good luck with this!


----------



## heyitsbryanne

sokillme said:


> The whole premise of the title is that he is a "black man". Not a good way to start.
> 
> Many of us think this is like saying, My mom is dating a person who is left handed and we reacted as such.


no, there's a difference. If I'm a native american, and I date a white american... it's pretty obvious there's a big cultural change. if he's hispanic, and the guy isn't - and doesn't even speak the language... then how? You don't see something sketchy? Let's say he said, a white guy is dating my mom, would your tone even be the same?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

heyitsbryanne said:


> you're purposely missing the point, this man is not wanting to mix cultures, or integrate.... LOOK AT THE POSTS. This guy clearly wants to impose his customs and traditions rather than hers and her sons...
> 
> Hispanic people are vastly different from others, just like Indians are different from black people, white people, etc.
> 
> like how is just coming in and changing stuff normal? when has a date or relationship that's not even a marriage ever been like this? this is so weird and why are people making the kid seem like some madman?!


You know he's twisted her arm to drop her culture? You know she's dropping her culture and just not enjoying a grown up relationship?


----------



## As'laDain

zx_why22 said:


> yeah he's been living here for about three months now at our place, which i have lived in since the divorce happened.


so you were lying in your first post?


----------



## sokillme

ConanHub said:


> Decades of experience, both personal and in ministry, leads me to believe this was not a well thought out decision by the mother.
> 
> More than likely, she isn't thinking above her waste line.
> 
> Her minor children should be considered since they can't make decisions for themselves.
> 
> I've seen far too many women do this.
> 
> Even if the man is great, it almost always causes unneeded emotional strain on the kids.


Even if it wasn't what can he do? As someone who had a very bad step experience, there is absolutely nothing you can do. It sucks but it's the fact.

In this situation so far it seems like she moved very fast if they are living together (which was not even mentioned at first). But that doesn't in and of itself mean this guy is an asshole. It just means that it is uncomfortable. 

Honestly seems to me a lot of OP's problem is that the dude is black, and it's a different culture then he is used to. That's life. His Mom is an adult and is allowed to be with someone whose culture is different then he is used to. My response to that is if he is a good person - get over it. 

Now if he turns out to be an asshole then I get it, but I don't see it yet. Just seeming moving too fast.


----------



## As'laDain

zx_why22 said:


> Well, this is odd.
> 
> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.


she met him a couple months ago, she brought him home and introduced him a couple days ago. 

but he has been living there for three months now?

am i missing something?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

As'laDain said:


> she met him a couple months ago, she brought him home and introduced him a couple days ago.
> 
> but he has been living there for three months now?
> 
> am i missing something?


That's the timeline I'm having trouble with.


----------



## ConanHub

sokillme said:


> Even if it wasn't what can he do? As someone who had a very bad step experience, there is absolutely nothing you can do. It sucks but it's the fact.
> 
> In this situation so far it seems like she moved very fast if they are living together (which was not even mentioned at first). But that doesn't in and of itself mean this guy is an asshole. It just means that it is uncomfortable.
> 
> Honestly seems to me a lot of OP's problem is that the dude is black, and it's a different culture then he is used to. That's life. His Mom is an adult and is allowed to be with someone whose culture is different then he is used to. My response to that is if he is a good person - get over it.
> 
> Now if he turns out to be an asshole then I get it, but I don't see it yet. Just seeming moving too fast.


The douche is already telling the kids what to do.

I'm confident enough in my assessment. I've seen this up close and a lot.


----------



## zx_why22

As'laDain said:


> so you were lying in your first post?


no im just not good at speaking english and explaining

my mom met him a couple months ago at her volunteer work, I know because I was there with her. they have been friends for a good while now, and she's even stayed at his place. it was three months ago that he started staying here...


----------



## ConanHub

As'laDain said:


> she met him a couple months ago, she brought him home and introduced him a couple days ago.
> 
> but he has been living there for three months now?
> 
> am i missing something?


Could be spinning a story or it's the language barrier.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> no im just not good at speaking english and explaining
> 
> my mom met him a couple months ago at her volunteer work, I know because I was there with her. they have been friends for a good while now, and she's even stayed at his place. it was three months ago that he started staying here...


Kindly meant, you may not know you just said she met him a couple months ago, and he moved in three months ago.


----------



## sokillme

heyitsbryanne said:


> you're purposely missing the point, this man is not wanting to mix cultures, or integrate.... LOOK AT THE POSTS. This guy clearly wants to impose his customs and traditions rather than hers and her sons...
> 
> Hispanic people are vastly different from others, just like Indians are different from black people, white people, etc.
> 
> like how is just coming in and changing stuff normal? when has a date or relationship that's not even a marriage ever been like this? this is so weird and why are people making the kid seem like some madman?!


Let me tell you even if your step father is the same culture just his very presence changes everything. This is what it is. OP is not used to seeing his Mom in a relationship with another man. Exactly how is he changing stuff? She is cooking different food? What has he done, told the kids they should do their chores? Again this seems pretty normal from someone who lived through it. 

The only red flag I see is that it's very intense. But we don't know the timing of all this.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You know he's twisted her arm to drop her culture? You know she's dropping her culture and just not enjoying a grown up relationship?


Um, go back and read the replies. 


> she's begun to abandon traditonal foods that she used to cook
> she's dressing differently
> the man is clearly wanting to influence the younger siblings upcomings
> no spanish, but wanting her to speak english?


----------



## As'laDain

zx_why22 said:


> no im just not good at speaking english and explaining
> 
> my mom met him a couple months ago at her volunteer work, I know because I was there with her. they have been friends for a good while now, and she's even stayed at his place. it was three months ago that he started staying here...


A couple typically means two in English...

Maybe that's part of the confusion? Still doesn't explain how she introduced him a couple days ago when he has been living there for three months.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

sokillme said:


> Let me tell you even if your step father is the same culture just his very presence changes everything. This is what it is. OP is not used to seeing his Mom in a relationship with another man. Exactly how is he changing stuff? She is cooking different food? What has he done, told the kids they should do their chores? Again this seems pretty normal from someone who lived through it.
> 
> The only red flag I see is that it's very intense. But we don't know the timing of all this.


it's not the same, because first of all: hispanics are in fact very traditional in their relationships, they grow more attached to their mothers and fathers, and also: don't just leave at age 18. if another hispanic man came into his moms life, and he was salvadorian, I 100% doubt he would change anything at all besides maybe like some house rules, or stuff like that. this is not. normal. 

and yes, moving into the wifes home? telling the younger one what to do? they're not even married!


----------



## Diana7

heyitsbryanne said:


> does nobody find this concerning? the guy doesn't even speak the mother tongue of the family? no wonder you're worried, op.


This happens with loads of couples. There is nothing wrong with it. It will help her learn English better.


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> yeah he's been living here for about three months now at our place, which i have lived in since the divorce happened.


I have some questions to get a fuller picture of what is going on here.

How long ago was the divorce? 

How long has your mother been dating this guy?

What does he do for a living?

Does your mother have a job?


----------



## heyitsbryanne

As'laDain said:


> A couple typically means two in English...
> 
> Maybe that's part of the confusion? Still doesn't explain how she introduced him a couple days ago when he has been living there for three months.


from what i've understood, I think it means the mom formally introduced her boyfriend to her sons. 

when I was growing up, I had a stepdad - he was from the same culture - he did not try to impose any changes immediately, my "stepdad" was basically my dad, since I lost my father when I was 12. he never once came into our house, and got her to stop doing these things, switch to my things. it happened slowly and gradually. 

maybe op can confirm the sequence of events


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> no im just not good at speaking english and explaining
> 
> my mom met him a couple months ago at her volunteer work, I know because I was there with her. they have been friends for a good while now, and she's even stayed at his place. it was three months ago that he started staying here...


How many years have you lived in the US?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

heyitsbryanne said:


> Um, go back and read the replies.


The man is dictating all this to her? And you know this how?

Do you not think this mature woman is intelligent enough to have a relationship?

Really you're just throwing out rhetoric.


----------



## sokillme

heyitsbryanne said:


> no, there's a difference. If I'm a native american, and I date a white american... it's pretty obvious there's a big cultural change. if he's hispanic, and the guy isn't - and doesn't even speak the language... then how? You don't see something sketchy? Let's say he said, a white guy is dating my mom, would your tone even be the same?


Listen my Mom is a white and she married a white man after my parent's divorce. One who ended up yelling and screaming all the time. I sympathize with that. But also as a guy who dated many different races, some whom I loved. Who marred someone who is white but from a different culture, all of that is traditions, traditions change. I used to go to Church every Sunday, I don't anymore. That upsets my Mom, but life changes. My wife's traditions have become my traditions. I care about them the same way she does now. This was going to happen no matter whoever his Mom dated. 

So far I see nothing sketchy except a women who is in the early intense stages of dating. It's not right, but it doesn't make this guy she is dating a bad guy or even the outcome headed in a bad direction. I get that it's upsetting, but that doesn't mean it's nefarious.

The original tone of this post (which has evolved) was this guy is very different then what I am used to. OK. I get it, but the answer to that is, you will get used to it.

OP should talk to his Mom to let her explain. I think it makes sense to ask her not to leave anymore. But he also has to start to get used to the fact that his Mom wants to date.


----------



## ConanHub

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The man is dictating all this to her? And you know this how?
> 
> Do you not think this mature woman is intelligent enough to have a relationship?
> 
> Really your just throwing out rhetoric.


If she is intelligent, she isn't using her brain but her gonads to do her thinking.

She could easily date this guy without letting him live with her children and letting him immediately start telling them what to do.

There is a pattern this guy is playing out. I've seen it a lot. It's similar to a script.

I of course could be wrong and I certainly hope I am.

Odds are that I'm not.


----------



## sokillme

ConanHub said:


> The douche is already telling the kids what to do.
> 
> I'm confident enough in my assessment. I've seen this up close and a lot.


I hear ya. Believe me. I hope you are wrong. But as someone who basically had to move out at 18 because of it, there is nothing OP can do if it turns into that.


----------



## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> Could be spinning a story or it's the language barrier.


im sorry about that I still have difficulties typing english that well


----------



## ConanHub

sokillme said:


> I hear ya. Believe me. I hope you are wrong. But as someone who basically had to move out at 18 because of it, there is nothing OP can do if it turns into that.


I just told my mom that just because she brings home a guy to fk, doesn't mean he has anything to do with me.

After I almost killed one, she started taking it seriously.


----------



## sokillme

heyitsbryanne said:


> it's not the same, because first of all: hispanics are in fact very traditional in their relationships, they grow more attached to their mothers and fathers, and also: don't just leave at age 18. if another hispanic man came into his moms life, and he was salvadorian, I 100% doubt he would change anything at all besides maybe like some house rules, or stuff like that. this is not. normal.
> 
> and yes, moving into the wifes home? telling the younger one what to do? they're not even married!


This doesn't seem to be the case with OP's Mom. At least for now.


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> I have some questions to get a fuller picture of what is going on here.
> 
> How long ago was the divorce?
> 
> How long has your mother been dating this guy?
> 
> What does he do for a living?
> 
> Does your mother have a job?


1 two years ago was the divorce

2 I thought they were just friends, but the friendship has been happening since about june of last year 

3 from what mom told me, he is a electrictian and works for pepco

4 my mom hasn't had a job for about three years now, she used to be a line cook at my dads workplace


----------



## sokillme

ConanHub said:


> I just told my mom that just because she brings home a guy to fk, doesn't mean he has anything to do with me.
> 
> After I almost killed one, she started taking it seriously.


Yep and when my step father were nose to nose with my Mom in between us, I had to move out. It sucked at the time.


----------



## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> 1 two years ago was the divorce
> 
> 2 I thought they were just friends, but the friendship has been happening since about june of last year
> 
> 3 from what mom told me, he is a electrictian and works for pepco
> 
> 4 my mom hasn't had a job for about three years now, she used to be a line cook at my dads workplace


Does your dad send your mother money?

How has she been supporting you with no work?


----------



## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> Does your dad send your mother money?
> 
> How has she been supporting you with no work?



my dad has been sending money to my mom and the goverment here has been helping us


----------



## As'laDain

the linguist in me is telling me to bow out.


----------



## EleGirl

heyitsbryanne said:


> Right... except it's clear from the posts that the guy clearly wants to develop something more than just "dating"


What if he does want something more than dating? Isn't she as an adult allowed to do that?



heyitsbryanne said:


> What "boyfriend" or "date" has a woman dress differently,


He probably is not having her dress differently. It's no unusual for a person to change some things about themselves when the start dating a new person. How she dresses is her choice.



heyitsbryanne said:


> phase out cultural foods or traditions?!


When people of different cultures date, they meld their cultures together. It can really be a good thing. Perhaps the OP could tell his mom that he really likes a particular El Salvadorian dish she makes and encourage her to make it. Encourage her to introduce this guy to her culture as well.



heyitsbryanne said:


> What "date" moves in with someone, knowing they have kids?!?!?! even if it's temporarily.


This happens all the time. I think it's foolish to do so this quickly. We can see the strife it's causing with her son.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

Diana7 said:


> This happens with loads of couples. There is nothing wrong with it. It will help her learn English better.


If what OP has said is true, and he doesn't speak spanish - it's just really odd to communicate between a phone or her limited english.... don't you think it would enable manipulation?


----------



## heyitsbryanne

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The man is dictating all this to her? And you know this how?
> 
> Do you not think this mature woman is intelligent enough to have a relationship?
> 
> Really you're just throwing out rhetoric.



not to insult OPs mother, but if she is intelligent enough, she would have cared more about the ripples this is causing at the moment, 

a relationship is normal, this is not

if memory serves me right, it seems like this is some sort of manipulation going on or the man has greater motives beyond just the mom, could it be he wants children? could it be he wants to marry her to have under his home with no exit? the mother and the son are more than likely immigrants, here on some sort of temporary status somehow - maybe there is more to this than we know.


----------



## As'laDain

heyitsbryanne said:


> not to insult OPs mother, but if she is intelligent enough, she would have cared more about the ripples this is causing at the moment,
> 
> a relationship is normal, this is not
> 
> if memory serves me right, it seems like this is some sort of manipulation going on or the man has greater motives beyond just the mom, could it be he wants children? could it be he wants to marry her to have under his home with no exit? the mother and the son are more than likely immigrants, here on some sort of temporary status somehow - maybe there is more to this than we know.


you really are grasping at straws to demonize this man, based on very little info...


----------



## EleGirl

heyitsbryanne said:


> not to insult OPs mother, but if she is intelligent enough, she would have cared more about the ripples this is causing at the moment,
> 
> a relationship is normal, this is not
> 
> if memory serves me right, it seems like this is some sort of manipulation going on or the man has greater motives beyond just the mom, could it be he wants children? could it be he wants to marry her to have under his home with no exit? the mother and the son are more than likely immigrants, here on some sort of temporary status somehow - maybe there is more to this than we know.


Why don't you ask him your questions?


----------



## heyitsbryanne

EleGirl said:


> What if he does want something more than dating? Isn't she as an adult allowed to do that?
> 
> 
> He probably is not having her dress differently. It's no unusual for a person to change some things about themselves when the start dating a new person. How she dresses is her choice.
> 
> 
> When people of different cultures date, they meld their cultures together. It can really be a good thing. Perhaps the OP could tell his mom that he really likes a particular El Salvadorian dish she makes and encourage her to make it. Encourage her to introduce this guy to her culture as well.
> 
> 
> This happens all the time. I think it's foolish to do so this quickly. We can see the strife it's causing with her son.



About the dress differently: something is up, what does OP exactly mean by dress differently? When I see cultures like this, sometimes the woman takes influence by what the man wears or has recommended... has the boyfriend bought clothes for her yet? 

Everything about this seems messed up and very disorganized on behalf of both the mom and the boyfriend, I still stand by my point that the boy is not a racist - he is experiencing a culture dominance, if that makes sense, he is watching his mother lose herself to her boyfriend, and I fear if it has already gotten to moving in, there's no way back. I mean really, what can the son do, right? but damn, this seems messed up for an immigrant family to come, separate, and have a man who is entirely different change his mother or influence change.


----------



## Angie?or…

heyitsbryanne said:


> not to insult OPs mother, but if she is intelligent enough, she would have cared more about the ripples this is causing at the moment,
> 
> a relationship is normal, this is not
> 
> if memory serves me right, it seems like this is some sort of manipulation going on or the man has greater motives beyond just the mom, could it be he wants children? could it be he wants to marry her to have under his home with no exit? the mother and the son are more than likely immigrants, here on some sort of temporary status somehow - maybe there is more to this than we know.


This IS a relationship. Not abnormal.

I haven’t seen anything indicating sinister motives, and the first post indicates he seems to be a nice guy.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

zx_why22 said:


> Well, this is odd.
> 
> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.



Hello, I have not formally responded to you: 

First - do not be afraid instantly. If there is abuse going on, there are programs in the united states to help you and you will not be deported. 

Second - think logically. Is she pushing you aside? Or is she just happy? Are you willing to work with them both? 

A couple questions: 

Has your mothers boyfriend, purchased any clothes for her yet? 

Is he beginning to financially support her somehow? ex: rent, food, etc. 

Is he showing intentions to move her and your family to his home? Does he live in a good home, as compared to you?

Please answer, to understand better, and if you do not understand: translate.google.com


----------



## As'laDain

heyitsbryanne said:


> does nobody find this concerning? the guy doesn't even speak the mother tongue of the family? no wonder you're worried, op.


when i was in highschool, i dated a girl that just moved from mexico. she didnt speak english at all. i didnt speak spanish at all. not when we met, anyway. we didnt have the benefit of google translate back then, so we were forced to learn each others languages the old fashioned way.

i really dont see the issue with that.


----------



## heyitsbryanne

As'laDain said:


> you really are grasping at straws to demonize this man, based on very little info...



and alot of you are are demonizing this child, who is scared and feeling like he's losing his mom. look at the replies...


----------



## As'laDain

heyitsbryanne said:


> and alot of you are are demonizing this child, who is scared and feeling like he's losing his mom. look at the replies...


i have been. most people are saying that the man hasnt done anything wrong, and that what OP is experiencing is likely normal for someone in his situation. 

you implied that the man must have nefarious intentions simply because he doesnt speak spanish. which is ludicrous to say the least.


----------



## zx_why22

sokillme said:


> It's hard to see your parents with someone else besides each other.
> 
> However if your traditions are bigoted maybe she wised up. The color of someones skin is insignificance. But maybe it's the American thing that is the problem as there are dark skinned Hispanics. Either way it's really not your choice.
> 
> Besides that, your Dad probably fit what in your mind is the ideal, how did that work out? Seems like she wasn't happy.
> 
> Maybe the divorce is new so seeing your Mom with someone else isn't easy. It happens though. Nothing new or unusual.
> 
> Now it's normal that this makes you uncomfortable but that doesn't mean there is something wrong. It's just different. Until you an point to something wrong then that is all it is.
> 
> You are young, so maybe you haven't gotten this yet, but your Mom is her own person. She has her own emotional life that really in the long run now that you are almost grown you have very little influence over. You are 17 on the cusp of being an adult. You will move on and will want to have your own life, so does she. This is her choice, and being an adult you have to respect it. Until the guy actually does anything besides exist then what can you say?
> 
> Maybe what she has learned that you might not know yet is that character is what makes a good relationship, not tradition. Or maybe she just likes this guy. Either way, it's her life.
> 
> He also could turn out to be a good guy too, and in that case you might do well to pay attention because it seems like what was mirrored for you growing up didn't work out. Maybe you can learn a thing or too.
> 
> So all that being said until the guy does something wrong, you have to get used to him. You will have to find a way to come to terms with it.


I just turned 17 a while ago, i am new to this country, and so all that has happened is my dad is gone from her life and my life is very different. i do not have many friends, this is not easy to do friend. 

all my life i have grown around my people, and my foods and to see that change in a little bit is not done 

i am not white i am brown


----------



## EleGirl

@heyitsbryanne ,

Please check your private messages.


----------



## zx_why22

heyitsbryanne said:


> Hello, I have not formally responded to you:
> 
> First - do not be afraid instantly. If there is abuse going on, there are programs in the united states to help you and you will not be deported.
> 
> Second - think logically. Is she pushing you aside? Or is she just happy? Are you willing to work with them both?
> 
> A couple questions:
> 
> Has your mothers boyfriend, purchased any clothes for her yet?
> 
> Is he beginning to financially support her somehow? ex: rent, food, etc.
> 
> Is he showing intentions to move her and your family to his home? Does he live in a good home, as compared to you?
> 
> Please answer, to understand better, and if you do not understand: translate.google.com



just gifts and food has happened, but nothing everything else. no abuse

I do not know, my mom has stayed at his place a while!

he is not hurting my mom. please no god. no he is not. 

he lives in an apartment like us.


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> just gifts and food has happened, but nothing everything else. no abuse
> 
> I do not know, my mom has stayed at his place a while!
> 
> he is not hurting my mom. please no god. no he is not.
> 
> he lives in an apartment like us.


When your mom stays at his place, does she leave you to take care of your brother?


----------



## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> just gifts and food has happened, but nothing everything else. no abuse
> 
> I do not know, my mom has stayed at his place a while!
> 
> he is not hurting my mom. please no god. no he is not.
> 
> he lives in an apartment like us.


You are old enough to have a voice. Do you have any counselors at your school?


----------



## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> You are old enough to have a voice. Do you have any counselors at your school?


I am in esl program, they are nice. I will try to speak to them, and my mother.


----------



## EleGirl

@zx_why22,

Have you talked to your mom about all this? If so, what does she say?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> When your mom stays at his place, does she leave you to take care of your brother?


Yes I take care of him whenever she isn't here. he goes to school also.


----------



## zx_why22

Hello friends, I want to say I do not hate him because of his skin color. I am brown. He is black. My mother is a whiter person that me. 

I am worried. That is all. 

In El Salvador there are not many black relationships, this is very new to me. Thank you.


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> @zx_why22,
> 
> Have you talked to your mom about all this? If so, what does she say?


Hello my mom is one of my best friends. Mom has only said god is with us, and will lead us on the right path. I am not hateful. I do not hate. I am scarred.


----------



## zx_why22

GaLaxya said:


> I have a few questions for you. Ypu should think about it.
> 
> Would it be a problem of he was 'white'?
> 
> Do you think Hispanic people are rrlated to white people and not tp 'black' people?
> 
> If you are hispanic, you very likely have African decendent too unless you are full blown native American that never moxed with Europeans or any other culture. Like from a tribe that lives in the jungle?
> 
> You are not? Well, then you are not that far away from 'black' culture.
> 
> You like salsa? Hispanic listen to a lot of salsa.
> Guess what? Salsa comes from the African slaves.
> If you have Salsa as part of your culture, you have African roots.
> You have Santaria. Santaria comes from Africa and is also practiced in Africa like Voodoo.
> 
> His blackness isn't the problem. I know how racist Hispanics are sometimes in order to try to be jind of white, believing straight hair and not being as dark as most black people make you white. And then they go dance salsa.
> 
> If you are scared about black influences you should consider that you are the decendent of humans that were isolated from the rest of the world for 40.000 years more or less. Whereas Europe, Asia and Africa co-existed and genetically interchanged.
> Then there was a massive invasion of humans from Eufrasia (this is a term for the unity of Ezropa, Africa and Asia) and your ancestors got re-assimilated inot the world wide genepool.
> 
> I am not saying you are racist. It is not clear. It looks like you are just looking for excuses to reject him. you are young and your reaction is normal.
> But educating yourself may help.
> Don't become a racist fool. Open your eyes.
> 
> As an Hispanic you should educate yourself more about the diverse routes of your culture. Then you will understand that rejecting or erasing influences of other cultures is like trying to abort yourself kind of.
> 
> I think you have a wrong perception of the world.
> Maybe you should travel more once you are older and might be able to effort it. This will also dostrect you from your mother.
> 
> She is grown up. It isn't your job nor healthy i
> f you try to interfere with her love life.
> 
> 
> 
> If you have a spanish name, it means your ancestors were owned by 'white' people. Therefore, you have a lot in common with those african decedents you call 'blacks'.
> 
> 
> Whaz is your culture? Spanish is a European language. You Hispanic people didn't even speak your own ancient language any more. whiped out by Europeans and know you want to protect that.
> 
> If you are scared of other cultural influences you are in denial of your own culture and background.
> 
> You are yourself the rrsult of different cultures mixing together.
> Maybe go to a library and educate yourself about your own past. This hopefully opens your horizon and help you learn to be tolerant.
> 
> Live your live and stop trying to cobtrol your mother and your brother. Sounds like you think you are her husband now or something.
> 
> Go out and date women.
> A new partner can be challenging, but you have to expect that cgange happens. And your brother doesn't have to grow up like you did.
> 
> As an older sibling it isn't your job to make how he should grow up.
> Try to be more open and mpre a kid to your mom.
> 
> Maybe you can talk about your feelongs to your mother. It is OK. But understand that you shouödn't make it about his ohysical appearance
> You are scared of the changes.
> But this is part of growing up.
> You'll learn that change doesn't mean bad things happen. Change also opens the door for new exciting things.
> 
> If you learn about your history, you'll also see how much demage racism has done to your ancestors.
> 
> The white people dod a lot of horrible things also to your ancestors, because they wanted to preserve their culture. Like you they didn't want to mix up their culture and thereforeninvented excuses to do horrible things to your ancestors.
> 
> I know the problem is about your mother having a new guy. But those changes you are seeing are not the rrsult of him being 'black'.
> 
> People change when they are in love. You'll ecperience the same some day. Ot is difficult to see your mother changing. Now you are confronted with the fact, that your mother is only a human. A woman and not just your mother.
> It has nothing to do with the guys background.
> 
> If he would be hispanic, you would feel the same about other things she or they would do.
> 
> moat children of parents who find new partners go through this. You'll get used to it.
> 
> I had a friend who with her sibling terrorist her mothers new boyfriend.
> they would call him and insult him, tell him to p*** off and then hang up. Later they grew up and accepted him.
> 
> Just for you to see, a new partner is very often stressfull for a child. But it doesn't mean the new partner needs to go.
> 
> 
> I know, my post may sound strange. But you are now in a phase of live in which you need to find out who you are and focus on yourself to come to terms with live.
> 
> Good luck with this!


I am not from this country. In El Salvador there is not alot of black couples. This is not hate. It is normal here. 

I am from Sonsonate. I am not controlling anyone, I love my family. I am worried, I am wanting peace, and I do not feel as if I am welcome in his life.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

zx_why22 said:


> Well, this is odd.
> 
> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.


Some women change everything about themselves to suit a new man. Including political views, how they look, etc. I think that's dumb and shows a lack of foundation and character, but I've seen it happen. In fact, one of my old friends does the same thing. Whoever she's spending the most time with becomes her influence she follows. She has completely done a 180 on her political narrative once she started being with the new guy (and she's like 65). All it does is show me she didn't really have any views of her own and just latches on to others'. She kind of copies them. Music, you name it. 
There will be cultural differences. Just keep an eye on things and be sure he's good for her instead of using her some way. Some people are more flexible than others where dating diversity is concerned. As long as he's good to her, she's probably just happy to have the attention. Just be sure he's good to her, that's all.


----------



## zx_why22

DownByTheRiver said:


> Some women change everything about themselves to suit a new man. Including political views, how they look, etc. I think that's dumb and shows a lack of foundation and character, but I've seen it happen. In fact, one of my old friends does the same thing. Whoever she's spending the most time with becomes her influence she follows. She has completely done a 180 on her political narrative once she started being with the new guy (and she's like 65). All it does is show me she didn't really have any views of her own and just latches on to others'. She kind of copies them. Music, you name it.
> There will be cultural differences. Just keep an eye on things and be sure he's good for her instead of using her some way. Some people are more flexible than others where dating diversity is concerned. As long as he's good to her, she's probably just happy to have the attention. Just be sure he's good to her, that's all.



Thank you friend, I am sorry to upset you all. I will pay attention more, and will do my best to talk to my mom. I wish she could understand, I do not want her sad. Why shes changing? I do not know. I have no idea.


----------



## Angie?or…

zx_why22 said:


> Thank you friend, I am sorry to upset you all. I will pay attention more, and will do my best to talk to my mom. I wish she could understand, I do not want her sad. Why shes changing? I do not know. I have no idea.


You haven’t upset anyone. Change is hard. You are going through a rough time. I’m sorry you are struggling.


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> Thank you friend, I am sorry to upset you all. I will pay attention more, and will do my best to talk to my mom. I wish she could understand, I do not want her sad. Why shes changing? I do not know. I have no idea.


You have not upset us all. We are simply talking to you to try to figure out what's going on and to help you.

Women from traditional cultures are taught from an early age to change to be what the man wants. It has to do with a time when women's only choice in life was to marry a man. If she did not marry, she'd end up with no way to support herself. I know this because when I was a young girl, it was the norm. All the literature for young girls taught them this. 

Add to this the fact that people change when their life circumstances change. She's no longer a single mother raising children on her own. Now she's a woman with a man in her life and right now she likes it.

You need to talk to your mom. Not in an angry way. Tell her your concerns. Tell her that you are here for her too.

If you have no friends of your own, make some. Aren't there guys in your school who are your own age? Why don't you have friends of your own?


----------



## Young at Heart

zx_why22 said:


> *I just turned 17 a while ago,* i am *new to this country,* and so all that has happened is my dad is gone from her life and *my life is very different*. i do not have many friends, this is not easy to do friend.
> 
> all my life i have grown around *my people, and my foods and* to see that change in a little bit is not done
> 
> i am not white i am brown





zx_why22 said:


> just gifts and food has happened, but nothing everything else. *no abuse*
> 
> I do not know, my mom has stayed at his place a while!
> 
> *he is not hurting my mom. *please no god. no he is not.
> 
> he lives in an apartment like us.





zx_why22 said:


> Hello friends, I want to say *I do not hate him because of his skin color.* I am brown. He is black. My mother is a whiter person that me.
> 
> *I am worried. That is all.
> 
> In El Salvador there are not many black relationships,* this is very new to me. Thank you.


Take a look at the parts I put in bold. You need to understand a few things. First you are not in El Salvador anymore. You are now in a country which has predominantly a different culture. You need to understand that you either embrace and choose aspects of the culture you grew up in to keep or you adopt new cultural aspects. 

For example in El Salvador, did you celebrate Christmas the same way that your school friends do? Probably not. In El Salvador is the NFL SuperBowl a bid deal? Probably not. Again, you are not in El Salvador anymore.

By the same token, your mom is no longer married to your dad. They choose to divorce. Your mom is adjusting to a new life in a new country with new cultures. According to your posts she has a lot on her plate, no job, two kids, some government support, some support from your dad. She is probably lonely and in need of adult companionship. She sounds like a good woman by her volunteering. The man she met and who is her boyfriend by now, sounds like a decent guy. If he is an electrical worker he probably makes good money. From your mom's perspective he is probably what in American culture is referred to as "marriage material." He seems to be OK in the way he treats you.

If you mom is cooking foods he prefers over foods you prefer, well you need to look at the fact that you are 17. Typically, in the US, you are very close in age to going out on your own and either going to college or finding a job. Since your mom is at the moment a single parent with two children, you are more likely to be off on your own getting a job. That means you should be mature enough to understand that while if may hurt emotionally, that you mom is moving on from being married to your father that this is the way it is going to be.

When I said in my earlier post, that you need to grow up, it was not to insult you, but to point out that you are 17, soon will be getting a full time job, supporting yourself, and that you will likely start dating. Maybe when you have struggled to support yourself, without a partner, you may have more sympathy for your mom.

It is hard to be in a new place without friends, to have a new living situation, to find your mom dating a man who is not your dad. Your life has changed. Now you need to accept that and make your life as good as you can and let your mom make her life as good as she can, especially for your 10 year old brother. Change is hard, but nothing you can wish for will make things go back to the way they were.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

heyitsbryanne said:


> no, there's a difference. If I'm a native american, and I date a white american... it's pretty obvious there's a big cultural change. if he's hispanic, and the guy isn't - and doesn't even speak the language... then how? You don't see something sketchy? Let's say he said, a white guy is dating my mom, would your tone even be the same?


Just fyi, there isn't much cultural difference between Native Americans in the US and white people. Yours truly, a little of both.


----------



## ConanHub

Young at Heart said:


> Take a look at the parts I put in bold. You need to understand a few things. First you are not in El Salvador anymore. You are now in a country which has predominantly a different culture. You need to understand that you either embrace and choose aspects of the culture you grew up in to keep or you adopt new cultural aspects.
> 
> For example in El Salvador, did you celebrate Christmas the same way that your school friends do? Probably not. In El Salvador is the NFL SuperBowl a bid deal? Probably not. Again, you are not in El Salvador anymore.
> 
> By the same token, your mom is no longer married to your dad. They choose to divorce. Your mom is adjusting to a new life in a new country with new cultures. According to your posts she has a lot on her plate, no job, two kids, some government support, some support from your dad. She is probably lonely and in need of adult companionship. She sounds like a good woman by her volunteering. The man she met and who is her boyfriend by now, sounds like a decent guy. If he is an electrical worker he probably makes good money. From your mom's perspective he is probably what in American culture is referred to as "marriage material." He seems to be OK in the way he treats you.
> 
> If you mom is cooking foods he prefers over foods you prefer, well you need to look at the fact that you are 17. Typically, in the US, you are very close in age to going out on your own and either going to college or finding a job. Since your mom is at the moment a single parent with two children, you are more likely to be off on your own getting a job. That means you should be mature enough to understand that while if may hurt emotionally, that you mom is moving on from being married to your father that this is the way it is going to be.
> 
> When I said in my earlier post, that you need to grow up, it was not to insult you, but to point out that you are 17, soon will be getting a full time job, supporting yourself, and that you will likely start dating. Maybe when you have struggled to support yourself, without a partner, you may have more sympathy for your mom.
> 
> It is hard to be in a new place without friends, to have a new living situation, to find your mom dating a man who is not your dad. Your life has changed. Now you need to accept that and make your life as good as you can and let your mom make her life as good as she can, especially for your 10 year old brother. Change is hard, but nothing you can wish for will make things go back to the way they were.


Are you familiar with statistics regarding women who move their boyfriends into the home with their kids this quickly?

Men who come right in and feel free to help themselves to authority over children they have had nothing to do with generally are a certain type. Almost every time.

This guy isn't paying the bills. The father in El Salvador and the government is.

The kid has good reason to be uncomfortable with this situation.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

zx_why22 said:


> Yes I take care of him whenever she isn't here. he goes to school also.


Sorry if I missed it. Is your mother employed? Is that why you are taking care of your brother (plus when she's staying with the new guy)? Is the new guy employed? Trying to figure out if they're both independent or one is leaning on the other financially.


----------



## ConanHub

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry if I missed it. Is your mother employed? Is that why you are taking care of your brother (plus when she's staying with the new guy)? Is the new guy employed? Trying to figure out if they're both independent or one is leaning on the other financially.


She goes to stay with her boyfriend leaving him to take care of his brother.

She doesn't have a job but gets money from her ex and the government.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ConanHub said:


> She goes to stay with her boyfriend leaving him to take care of his brother.
> 
> She doesn't have a job but gets money from her ex and the government.


Thanks. So does the new guy work?


----------



## ConanHub

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thanks. So does the new guy work?


He's apparently an electrician?


----------



## Young at Heart

heyitsbryanne said:


> I had to comment here, I wanted to ignore it but this...
> Jesus Christ, this thread is taking a weird turn with you... I hate to start an argument but what is wrong with you...*why are you ganging up on this boy?
> 
> He is well within his right to want to preserve or maintain his culture and traditions*, and if you read into his posts and replies you can clearly see the man does not want to maintain that at all.
> 
> If you read his post, it clearly says he grew up with his mom and dad since birth, immigrated here. It's not as simple as it seems - this is coming from someone who came from India. In other countries, mixed race relations are NOT the norm, and they are NOT as common as they are here in the States.
> 
> *The boy is distraught, and feels as if he is losing his mother* - the one who raised him? And he has reasons to be worried about the young one - Hispanic people, and black people, as harsh as it sounds... ARE NOT THE SAME CULTURALLY! There is different languages, food, customs, the way the boys are raised, there's more of a family connection.
> 
> Something about this whole post though, *does tell me that the boy is worried* .... and has a gut feeling. T*o accuse him or racism, and insult his culture is insanity.* You expect *any son to just let his mom be changed?* I'm not suggesting he stop it, because he has no right to do so, but ways to cope or understand would be better.


You asked why, so I will tell you.

The OP is 17 years old. In the US that age is almost an adult. The OP's mom is a divorced single mom of 2 with no job. The OP's mom is struggling in a new country, with a new language, new cultures. She is probably lonely. 

Why am I telling this 17 year old he should grow up? The OP is going through hell, one he didn't cause. He is in a new country, new culture, new family situation, etc. I get all that. If he is to do well he needs to mature very quickly.
Whatever "hell" he feels he has been trust into, I would wager is far worse for his mom. And yet the OP wants to tell their mother how to live her life. Children, even those nearly adult, don't have the life experience to tell an adult with probably 20 or more decades of life experience how to live their lives. Children even at the age or 17 should not dictate who their mom may or many not date. 

The OP is the one who said his dad was racist. The OP also posted many comments about the race of the man who is the boyfriend of his divorced man and that he doesn't like it that she dating him partly because of his race. The OP has commented about skin color. 

The OP's posts, clearly indicated that the man who is so troubling to the OP has spent time with his mom at their apartment, his mom has spent time at his apartment, and that she is dressing to please him, cooking foods to please him, etc. The guy is his mom's boy friend and probably a serious boyfriend at that. She is a single mom with no job and the guy is an electrical worker which are usually well paid. He seems from everything the OP has said to treat his mom well. 

If I were the OP i would be upset to be ripped from my country, to have my parents divorce and to have so much change in my life. However, if I were a looking at things from the outside, I would say that the mom is trying to restart her life and find happiness. That if she and her boyfriend do marry at some point that her 10 year old will probably have a much better life and that the 17 year old will be out on their own having left the nest of a single mom with no job.

Yes, he is in a bad place. His best hope is to assimilate as quickly as he can and keep whatever cultural elements he wants. He has no right to dictate who his mom should or should not date.

We probably agree to disagree.


----------



## RandomDude

I don't like this. I would not introduce a new partner to my daughter's life unless she was of long term potential and it was a gradual process. That meant I introduced... one, over the years.

The racial politics and whatever aside, of course OP would be rattled, a stranger just moved into his home all of a sudden.

@zx_why22 

Despite what some others are saying, I do believe you need to confront your mum about your concerns, she has her responsibilities as matriach of the family and you are still her sons.

If I was in her shoes sure I would see who I wished but to bring them into my family's life? That isn't a privilege to just give anyone.


----------



## Diana7

ConanHub said:


> She goes to stay with her boyfriend leaving him to take care of his brother.
> 
> She doesn't have a job but gets money from her ex and the government.


He is 17, nearly an adult, and as such is more than capable of looking after his brother for a day or two. Some people have a child of their own by that age.


----------



## Diana7

RandomDude said:


> I don't like this. I would not introduce a new partner to my daughter's life unless she was of long term potential and it was a gradual process. That meant I introduced... one, over the years.
> 
> The racial politics and whatever aside, of course OP would be rattled, a stranger just moved into his home all of a sudden.
> 
> @zx_why22
> 
> Despite what some others are saying, I do believe you need to confront your mum about your concerns, she has her responsibilities as matriach of the family and you are still her sons.
> 
> If I was in her shoes sure I would see who I wished but to bring them into my family's life? That isn't a privilege to just give anyone.


Mr D met my children after a few days. I met his after a couple of weeks. 
He came round to our house a lot from the start.


----------



## ConanHub

Diana7 said:


> He is 17, nearly an adult, and as such is more than capable of looking after his brother for a day or two. Some people have a child of their own by that age.


Well then. Nothing to see here.


----------



## Diana7

This guy seems nice according to the op. He has a good job, his own place and does regular volunteer work. They have known each other for quite a while.
I can't see red flags here with this new man.


----------



## RandomDude

Diana7 said:


> Mr D met my children after a few days. I met his after a couple of weeks.
> He came round to our house a lot from the start.


Yeah, not happening in my family. Your children were lucky as you two ended up long term, now imagine a household where the front door is like a revolving door with your parents bringing in new strangers. Forget it! I was very careful and by the time my daughter met my last partner she was excited to meet her. Not thrown into shock as to have a stranger intrude into one of her homes!

But hey, that's just me and MY standard for parenthood.


----------



## ConanHub

Diana7 said:


> This guy seems nice according to the op. He has a good job, his own place and does regular volunteer work. They have known each other for quite a while.
> I can't see red flags here with this new man.


It's well documented you can't see anything wrong here so nothing possibly could be.

Except, I've personally witnessed his pattern of behavior many times over with very poor results.

He has no business moving in so quickly and taking over including assuming an authority he has no business with over the children.

OP sounds like a very nice young man. It's very lucky for the boob it's not the likes of me he's trying that crap with. 

It would be interesting to see how this guy reacts if he tells the young man to do something and he's told to piss off?

I'm laying odds the idiot would get violent.

He's not his dad, he doesn't pay bills, he just has sex with his mom. There are loads of worthless men who are up for that.

If he had kept a respectable distance and not tried to impose himself on the children, I would feel a lot differently about him.

You did not move your boyfriend right into your house and give him access to order your children around as well as have sex with you.

You know very well your situation was quite different than that.

I don't know why you are trying to paint this situation like it's similar to yours.


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> This happens with loads of couples. There is nothing wrong with it. It will help her learn English better.


Lol you’re ……….. not right.
How does one even get to know someone who has to use an interpreter to have a conversation? This relationship is about sex.
Just my humble opinion.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

zx_why22 said:


> Well, this is odd.
> 
> My hispanic mother, recently started seeing a black man. That sounds normal to alot of people, but to me - it isn't.
> 
> This is rather odd for me growing up the way I did, immigrated from El Salvador with my mom and dad - raised by em, and saw their relationship deteriorate over the years. She ended up divorcing him after 15 years of marriage, and I was shocked and surprised, she's 47 years old - I didn't think she would do that.
> 
> Fast foward to a couple months ago, we're living on our own now - and my mom meets this guy at a community center she volunteers. The guy chats her up, and they become friends - but I never expected it to happen. She's a conservative-type hispanic woman, who barely speaks english - it's just enough to get her by. My father was always the kind to be a bit racist, as well.
> 
> Well, a couple days ago - she brings him home, and introduces him to me. He seems like a nice guy and all, but ever since she's started seeing him and he's been staying here - life has been very different from what I'm used to. It's a culture clash, and it seems like she's putting his likes/customs over ours now. She's dressing differently (and no, it's not weird for me to notice), and like it's like she doesn't care this guy is in a way, wiping out our traditons. I'm afraid things will escalate into more serious things, and I don't get it. I just don't. It's just so different for me.
> 
> I understand she's allowed to see who she wants, but how is a guy that's a different race, doesn't speak spanish and vastly different intrigue her? How do I handle this change?
> 
> The reason why i'm reaching out here is because I want to be educated, or maybe someone has something similar they can share? It's just an awkward situation for me, and my younger sibling (god bless him) is young enough to not care. But it's alot for me.


Damn! “Black man”? Who cares. Is he a good man? That is what masters. Ahhh! Skin color is irrelevant. I judge people on basically one thing. Are they an asshole. Sarge does not like as holes.


----------



## frusdil

Young at Heart said:


> The OP is 17 years old. In the US that age is almost an adult. The OP's mom is a divorced single mom of 2 with no job. The OP's mom is struggling in a new country, with a new language, new cultures. She is probably lonely.
> 
> Why am I telling this 17 year old he should grow up? The OP is going through hell, one he didn't cause. He is in a new country, new culture, new family situation, etc. I get all that. If he is to do well he needs to mature very quickly.
> Whatever "hell" he feels he has been trust into, I would wager is far worse for his mom. And yet the OP wants to tell their mother how to live her life. Children, even those nearly adult, don't have the life experience to tell an adult with probably 20 or more decades of life experience how to live their lives. Children even at the age or 17 should not dictate who their mom may or many not date.


His mother chose those things, he did not.

OP, I'm sorry some seem to be ganging up on you honey, I don't believe that your concerns are about this mans skin colour (though that is a big change for you), as much as the amount of change you've been forced to go through in a few short years, none of which you had any say in. You're only 17, emigrating to a new country and all that goes with that, your parents divorce and the changes that come with that, all while your support system is back in El Salvador.

I am concerned too, that your mother would allow any man to stay overnight so early into the relationships. While you don't get to decide who she dates, you DO have a right to feel comfortable in your own home, as does your little brother. A lot of parents forget that while they may be over the marriage breakdown, the children are not. While she has the right to date, she also has a responsibility to ensure you and your little brother are safe. In the early stages of dating, her children should come first.

Let me tell you something, I am a stepmum to my husbands beautiful daughter, I love her with all my heart and soul. If anyone ever hurt her, I would rip them to shreds. New partners aren't always a bad thing, it could turn into something wonderful, so please keep that in mind.

Please talk to your mum honey, tell her that you want her to be happy - and I believe you do, but that you're struggling with so much change and ask if there's a way things could be slowed down for a little while, to give you a chance to catch up. 

Big hugs x


----------



## Livvie

OP says his mom and her boyfriend met last June. So 8 or 9 months ago. Now he sleeps over. And she sometimes soends fine at his place. That's not overly fast.


----------



## ConanHub

Livvie said:


> OP says his mom and her boyfriend met last June. So 8 or 9 months ago. Now he sleeps over. And she sometimes soends fine at his place. That's not overly fast.


He was introduced as a boyfriend after her developing a relationship for a while, not the children and he has been living there for three months and assuming authority over them while changing everything about how they have lived.

If you would have been fine with your mom's boyfriend moving right in and taking charge of your life when you were a teen, more power to you.

This guy is bad news in my experience and mom isn't thinking with her head.


----------



## zx_why22

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sorry if I missed it. Is your mother employed? Is that why you are taking care of your brother (plus when she's staying with the new guy)? Is the new guy employed? Trying to figure out if they're both independent or one is leaning on the other financially.


hi. she is not currently employed no. im taking care of my brother whenever she leaves with him on trips to his home. we recieve money from my father, and support from the goverment.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

zx_why22 said:


> hi. she is not currently employed no. im taking care of my brother whenever she leaves with him on trips to his home. we recieve money from my father, and support from the goverment.


He may be an okay guy, but if he for any reason starts abusing you or your mom, you just called the police on him. I'm hoping he is a good man but I understand it's weird to have this stranger around. Just know that if there is any violence from him, you can report that and get help whether your mom wants you to or not.


----------



## Diana7

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, not happening in my family. Your children were lucky as you two ended up long term, now imagine a household where the front door is like a revolving door with your parents bringing in new strangers. Forget it! I was very careful and by the time my daughter met my last partner she was excited to meet her. Not thrown into shock as to have a stranger intrude into one of her homes!
> 
> But hey, that's just me and MY standard for parenthood.


In 6 years as a single mum he was the one and only man they met so there was no 'revolving door' thankfully. I didn't date at all for the first 4 years and only rarely after that. I knew he was the one within a week so had no issues with him meeting them. Plus they were all young adults by then not little children. Both his youngest and mine were in their late teens.


----------



## manwithnoname

GaLaxya said:


> I have a few questions for you. Ypu should think about it.
> 
> Would it be a problem of he was 'white'?
> 
> Do you think Hispanic people are rrlated to white people and not tp 'black' people?
> 
> If you are hispanic, you very likely have African decendent too unless you are full blown native American that never moxed with Europeans or any other culture. Like from a tribe that lives in the jungle?
> 
> You are not? Well, then you are not that far away from 'black' culture.
> 
> You like salsa? Hispanic listen to a lot of salsa.
> Guess what? Salsa comes from the African slaves.
> If you have Salsa as part of your culture, you have African roots.
> You have Santaria. Santaria comes from Africa and is also practiced in Africa like Voodoo.
> 
> His blackness isn't the problem. I know how racist Hispanics are sometimes in order to try to be jind of white, believing straight hair and not being as dark as most black people make you white. And then they go dance salsa.
> 
> If you are scared about black influences you should consider that you are the decendent of humans that were isolated from the rest of the world for 40.000 years more or less. Whereas Europe, Asia and Africa co-existed and genetically interchanged.
> Then there was a massive invasion of humans from Eufrasia (this is a term for the unity of Ezropa, Africa and Asia) and your ancestors got re-assimilated inot the world wide genepool.
> 
> I am not saying you are racist. It is not clear. It looks like you are just looking for excuses to reject him. you are young and your reaction is normal.
> But educating yourself may help.
> Don't become a racist fool. Open your eyes.
> 
> As an Hispanic you should educate yourself more about the diverse routes of your culture. Then you will understand that rejecting or erasing influences of other cultures is like trying to abort yourself kind of.
> 
> I think you have a wrong perception of the world.
> Maybe you should travel more once you are older and might be able to effort it. This will also dostrect you from your mother.
> 
> She is grown up. It isn't your job nor healthy i
> f you try to interfere with her love life.
> 
> 
> 
> If you have a spanish name, it means your ancestors were owned by 'white' people. Therefore, you have a lot in common with those african decedents you call 'blacks'.
> 
> 
> Whaz is your culture? Spanish is a European language. You Hispanic people didn't even speak your own ancient language any more. whiped out by Europeans and know you want to protect that.
> 
> If you are scared of other cultural influences you are in denial of your own culture and background.
> 
> You are yourself the rrsult of different cultures mixing together.
> Maybe go to a library and educate yourself about your own past. This hopefully opens your horizon and help you learn to be tolerant.
> 
> Live your live and stop trying to cobtrol your mother and your brother. Sounds like you think you are her husband now or something.
> 
> Go out and date women.
> A new partner can be challenging, but you have to expect that cgange happens. And your brother doesn't have to grow up like you did.
> 
> As an older sibling it isn't your job to make how he should grow up.
> Try to be more open and mpre a kid to your mom.
> 
> Maybe you can talk about your feelongs to your mother. It is OK. But understand that you shouödn't make it about his ohysical appearance
> You are scared of the changes.
> But this is part of growing up.
> You'll learn that change doesn't mean bad things happen. Change also opens the door for new exciting things.
> 
> If you learn about your history, you'll also see how much demage racism has done to your ancestors.
> 
> The white people dod a lot of horrible things also to your ancestors, because they wanted to preserve their culture. Like you they didn't want to mix up their culture and thereforeninvented excuses to do horrible things to your ancestors.
> 
> I know the problem is about your mother having a new guy. But those changes you are seeing are not the rrsult of him being 'black'.
> 
> People change when they are in love. You'll ecperience the same some day. Ot is difficult to see your mother changing. Now you are confronted with the fact, that your mother is only a human. A woman and not just your mother.
> It has nothing to do with the guys background.
> 
> If he would be hispanic, you would feel the same about other things she or they would do.
> 
> moat children of parents who find new partners go through this. You'll get used to it.
> 
> I had a friend who with her sibling terrorist her mothers new boyfriend.
> they would call him and insult him, tell him to p*** off and then hang up. Later they grew up and accepted him.
> 
> Just for you to see, a new partner is very often stressfull for a child. But it doesn't mean the new partner needs to go.
> 
> 
> I know, my post may sound strange. But you are now in a phase of live in which you need to find out who you are and focus on yourself to come to terms with live.
> 
> Good luck with this!


So you're saying OP and OP's mom's boyfriend have pretty much the same culture, so he won't have any trouble getting used to all these changes. It will be a seamless transition. Ok.

OP already said the changes bother him.


----------



## manwithnoname

ConanHub said:


> It's well documented you can't see anything wrong here so nothing possibly could be.
> 
> Except, I've personally witnessed his pattern of behavior many times over with very poor results.
> 
> He has no business moving in so quickly and taking over including assuming an authority he has no business with over the children.
> 
> OP sounds like a very nice young man. It's very lucky for the boob it's not the likes of me he's trying that crap with.
> 
> It would be interesting to see how this guy reacts if he tells the young man to do something and he's told to piss off?
> 
> I'm laying odds the idiot would get violent.
> 
> He's not his dad, he doesn't pay bills, he just has sex with his mom. There are loads of worthless men who are up for that.
> 
> If he had kept a respectable distance and not tried to impose himself on the children, I would feel a lot differently about him.
> 
> You did not move your boyfriend right into your house and give him access to order your children around as well as have sex with you.
> 
> You know very well your situation was quite different than that.
> 
> I don't know why you are trying to paint this situation like it's similar to yours.


I'm also concerned that he might get very possessive of her, and if she tries to break it off at some point, things could get ugly.


----------



## manfromlamancha

zx_why22 said:


> She speaks the best that she can (english), and he uses translate on his phone to speak sometimes if she doesn't get it.


Wow!!!! So I have got to ask - what is the attraction? Physical? Is your Mom attractive?


----------



## manfromlamancha

heyitsbryanne said:


> I had to comment here, I wanted to ignore it but this...
> Jesus Christ, this thread is taking a weird turn with you... I hate to start an argument but what is wrong with you...why are you ganging up on this boy?
> 
> He is well within his right to want to preserve or maintain his culture and traditions, and if you read into his posts and replies you can clearly see the man does not want to maintain that at all.
> 
> If you read his post, it clearly says he grew up with his mom and dad since birth, immigrated here. It's not as simple as it seems - this is coming from someone who came from India. In other countries, mixed race relations are NOT the norm, and they are NOT as common as they are here in the States.
> 
> The boy is distraught, and feels as if he is losing his mother - the one who raised him? And he has reasons to be worried about the young one - Hispanic people, and black people, as harsh as it sounds... ARE NOT THE SAME CULTURALLY! There is different languages, food, customs, the way the boys are raised, there's more of a family connection.
> 
> Something about this whole post though, does tell me that the boy is worried .... and has a gut feeling. To accuse him or racism, and insult his culture is insanity. You expect any son to just let his mom be changed? I'm not suggesting he stop it, because he has no right to do so, but ways to cope or understand would be better.


This diatribe is not accurate and not helpful in understanding anything. An African-American and a Latino are NOT the same culture - quite far apart actually. Saying that hispanics have African in them is like saying we all have DNA or something. It is the CULTURES that are quite quite different, not just the language etc.

The OP is stating how he feels honestly - the change in his mom is inexplicable at the moment. She cannot speak to the guy and the guy cannot speak to her - yet he wants to take control etc. The OP's instincts are correct to be suspicious and troubled by him and to feel uncomfortable with the difference in race and culture, without branding him a racist!


----------



## manfromlamancha

zx_why22 said:


> my brother yes, he's been talking to him - trying to I guess appeal to him and has set bedtimes with him, stuff like that. he's been getting me to do his chores and stuff so i'd say yes.


What would happen if you told him to f off?


----------



## manfromlamancha

Diana7 said:


> This happens with loads of couples. There is nothing wrong with it. It will help her learn English better.


And that is good because ..........??? .... you're English ? (like me)


----------



## manfromlamancha

As'laDain said:


> when i was in highschool, i dated a girl that just moved from mexico. she didnt speak english at all. i didnt speak spanish at all. not when we met, anyway. we didnt have the benefit of google translate back then, so we were forced to learn each others languages the old fashioned way.
> 
> i really dont see the issue with that.


So why did you date the girl if you couldn't speak to each other? What was the attraction? Was it to get into her pants?


----------



## manfromlamancha

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just fyi, there isn't much cultural difference between Native Americans in the US and white people. Yours truly, a little of both.


Wow ! Just wow! Except for the knowledge by one of those types of people that the other has tried to obliterate them in the cruelest way in the past and now claim to be "part them" to establish entitlement to the country! No - I'd still say there is a significant difference between the two!


----------



## manfromlamancha

Young at Heart said:


> You asked why, so I will tell you.
> 
> The OP is 17 years old. In the US that age is almost an adult. The OP's mom is a divorced single mom of 2 with no job. The OP's mom is struggling in a new country, with a new language, new cultures. She is probably lonely.
> 
> Why am I telling this 17 year old he should grow up? The OP is going through hell, one he didn't cause. He is in a new country, new culture, new family situation, etc. I get all that. If he is to do well he needs to mature very quickly.
> Whatever "hell" he feels he has been trust into, I would wager is far worse for his mom. And yet the OP wants to tell their mother how to live her life. Children, even those nearly adult, don't have the life experience to tell an adult with probably 20 or more decades of life experience how to live their lives. Children even at the age or 17 should not dictate who their mom may or many not date.
> 
> The OP is the one who said his dad was racist. The OP also posted many comments about the race of the man who is the boyfriend of his divorced man and that he doesn't like it that she dating him partly because of his race. The OP has commented about skin color.
> 
> The OP's posts, clearly indicated that the man who is so troubling to the OP has spent time with his mom at their apartment, his mom has spent time at his apartment, and that she is dressing to please him, cooking foods to please him, etc. The guy is his mom's boy friend and probably a serious boyfriend at that. She is a single mom with no job and the guy is an electrical worker which are usually well paid. He seems from everything the OP has said to treat his mom well.
> 
> If I were the OP i would be upset to be ripped from my country, to have my parents divorce and to have so much change in my life. However, if I were a looking at things from the outside, I would say that the mom is trying to restart her life and find happiness. That if she and her boyfriend do marry at some point that her 10 year old will probably have a much better life and that the 17 year old will be out on their own having left the nest of a single mom with no job.
> 
> Yes, he is in a bad place. His best hope is to assimilate as quickly as he can and keep whatever cultural elements he wants. He has no right to dictate who his mom should or should not date.
> 
> We probably agree to disagree.


First of all - there are probably more people in the USA that speak the OP's mom's language than there are black people - so she is more likely to meet with people who speak her language than not. So much for being lonely.

Secondly - every one and I mean everyone, has more than a bit of racism in them. So everyone is a racist of some kind not just his dad.

Thirdly - the man's behaviour is more than a little creepy and suspect - to anyone not just a boy from Latin America.

Finally - if the mom is with this guy for "a better life" even though she has nothing in common with him, cannot speak to him or understand what he says and is "changing herself" to attract this "better life", then I fully understand why the OP is alarmed.


----------



## Always Learning

heyitsbryanne said:


> Um, go back and read the replies.


How do you know it was at his insistence? Ever consider the mother has done this in an attempt to please her new man!

It not so odd that he is not speaking Spanish, after all they live in a predominately English speaking country it would be better for her to learn more English.

I point this out as a man who married into the Hispanic culture. When my wife and I met she barely spoke English and I barely spoke Spanish, yet nearly 40 years later we are still together.


----------



## EI

What is so difficult for some of you to understand? When you have minor children, still living at home, you don’t just suddenly move new boyfriend/new girlfriend, into the home, where your children live, and expect them to just naturally be comfortable in that situation. 

Your children’s safety, health and well being come first. Period. What about gradually introducing your children to your new friend, taking time for everyone to get to know one another, going on some family outings together, and seeing how well your new friend relates to your children before you allow them to start sleeping over. No child is going to feel comfortable when someone who is little more than a stranger; or call him a new acquaintance, if you want to be generous, moves into their home, their safe space, and starts acting like an authority figure. 

I think this would extremely uncomfortable for a 17 year old male, who almost certainly feels very protective of his mother and younger brother, having been the oldest male in the household since his parents divorced. 

This whole situation feels off to me. If the mother and her new love interest can barely communicate due to the language barrier, how close can they truly be? If she is abandoning her culture completely in favor of her new boyfriend’s culture, rather than the two of them attempting to blend cultures, how can this not leave her two sons feeling somewhat left out, and abandoned? 

I honestly don’t think this has much, if anything, to do with racism on the part of the OP. But, I do think he’s feeling confused and hurt regarding his mother’s apparent willingness to abandon their family’s cultural heritage in favor of her new boyfriend’s culture, and I think that’s completely understandable that he would feel that way. 

Mom is in her late 40’s, and she is entitled to have a life of her own. I don’t think anyone is arguing against that point. But, before entitlements, come requirements, and as a mother, of minor children, her first responsibility is to her children. Moving a new boyfriend into their home, within just a few short months of meeting him, especially someone who has not even attempted to develop a rapport with her children, before asserting his authority over them, is selfish, inappropriate, and irresponsible.


----------



## Diana7

manfromlamancha said:


> And that is good because ..........??? .... you're English ? (like me)


Because they live in an English speaking country dont they?


----------



## Diana7

ConanHub said:


> It's well documented you can't see anything wrong here so nothing possibly could be.
> 
> Except, I've personally witnessed his pattern of behavior many times over with very poor results.
> 
> He has no business moving in so quickly and taking over including assuming an authority he has no business with over the children.
> 
> OP sounds like a very nice young man. It's very lucky for the boob it's not the likes of me he's trying that crap with.
> 
> It would be interesting to see how this guy reacts if he tells the young man to do something and he's told to piss off?
> 
> I'm laying odds the idiot would get violent.
> 
> He's not his dad, he doesn't pay bills, he just has sex with his mom. There are loads of worthless men who are up for that.
> 
> If he had kept a respectable distance and not tried to impose himself on the children, I would feel a lot differently about him.
> 
> You did not move your boyfriend right into your house and give him access to order your children around as well as have sex with you.
> 
> You know very well your situation was quite different than that.
> 
> I don't know why you are trying to paint this situation like it's similar to yours.


You can't possibly know that he is violent or that he is an idiot. He has a good job, he does volunteer work, he has his own place but sounds as if he stays over there more because she has the children. The op even says he seems nice. 

I know a single divorced mum in her 30's who met a nice young man about a year ago. She has a child of 4 who rarely sees his dad as he moved abroad, and quite quickly the boyfriend moved in and the child adores him and he is very good with the child. Months later and he calls him daddy and they are doing really well. Sometimes it works.


----------



## Angie?or…

This couple have known each other for a year. I just don’t see anything indicating that he is “creepy” or violent or any of the rest of it. People date and marry across culture lines all the time. The son classified him as a nice guy. Yes, it is an adjustment for the kids, and I feel for them, but that doesn’t make him some sort of monster. The mom is a grown woman and it’s pretty condescending to assume she is a fool who can’t pick a decent man and doesn’t care about her children’s well being.


----------



## ConanHub

I'm leaving this one alone. I'm too triggered and too close to the subject though I'm unfortunately probably correct in my assessment.

I hope the young OP gets some help in counseling through his school because he can't go to his mom with this one.

I also hope he tells the loser to pound sand the next time he tries to tell him what to do.

OP, you really don't have to have anything to do with your mom's boyfriend. You are at an age where you can make some of those decisions for yourself.

Keep an eye out for your brother and alert your school if any abuse, physical, emotional or mental abuse starts happening.

They should be required reporters of suspected child abuse or endangerment and will be able to help or get you in touch with those that can.

I feel for you, that you feel alone. You can choose to keep your traditions, your food, your clothes and your ways. You can start your own path even though you are young. Keep in touch with your father. Maybe he has some wisdom for you.

Mother's are just people and are sometimes just as foolish as little girls. They can make really bad decisions sometimes.

You can love your mom and not accept everything she does.

I love my mother very much despite many bad decisions she made years ago.

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was grow up early and stand for myself against some of her decisions.  I had to see her for the imperfect person she was and not the flawless fantasy that little boys see their mothers as.

If you don't understand some of what I'm saying, feel free to ask about any of it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

manfromlamancha said:


> Wow ! Just wow! Except for the knowledge by one of those types of people that the other has tried to obliterate them in the cruelest way in the past and now claim to be "part them" to establish entitlement to the country! No - I'd still say there is a significant difference between the two!


I am a registered Native American. They have a terrible history but they don't live in the past like some cultures do trying to use the distant past to profit in the present. I grew up in Oklahoma where nearly everyone has Native American in them. There's nothing to stop anyone from climbing out of whatever situation they're in. Most natives do not live on a reservation. If they do that is by choice. Nor do I know of any whose parents raised them to hate white men or Spanish men because of what happened in the past. They live and work like everybody else. And they don't seek to only socialize with other Native Americans, nor do they blame the distant relatives of white or Spanish men today for what happened in the past.


----------



## SunCMars

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You know he's twisted her arm to drop her culture? You know she's dropping her culture and just not enjoying a grown up relationship?


Few, own minds and lenses so clear as this, as yours.

Thank you.


King Brian-


----------



## EleGirl

ConanHub said:


> I'm leaving this one alone. I'm too triggered and too close to the subject though I'm unfortunately probably correct in my assessment.
> 
> I hope the young OP gets some help in counseling through his school because he can't go to his mom with this one.
> 
> I also hope he tells the loser to pound sand the next time he tries to tell him what to do.
> 
> OP, you really don't have to have anything to do with your mom's boyfriend. You are at an age where you can make some of those decisions for yourself.
> 
> Keep an eye out for your brother and alert your school if any abuse, physical, emotional or mental abuse starts happening.
> 
> They should be required reporters of suspected child abuse or endangerment and will be able to help or get you in touch with those that can.
> 
> I feel for you, that you feel alone. You can choose to keep your traditions, your food, your clothes and your ways. You can start your own path even though you are young. Keep in touch with your father. Maybe he has some wisdom for you.
> 
> Mother's are just people and are sometimes just as foolish as little girls. They can make really bad decisions sometimes.
> 
> You can love your mom and not accept everything she does.
> 
> I love my mother very much despite many bad decisions she made years ago.
> 
> One of the hardest things I ever had to do was grow up early and stand for myself against some of her decisions. I had to see her for the imperfect person she was and not the flawless fantasy that little boys see their mothers as.
> 
> If you don't understand some of what I'm saying, feel free to ask about any of it.
> 
> My thoughts and prayers are with you.


I agree with you on this. When a man moves too fast into the life of a woman who has young children at home, it raises red flags. Sadly, this is far too common.


----------



## pastasauce79

Siento mucho por lo q estás pasando! Yo también soy hispana. 

I'm Hispanic and i understand completely what you are going through.

There are huge, HUGE differences between Hispanic culture and African American culture. There's a lot of segregation in some Hispanic countries. This is part of the culture, unfortunately. But above all, there's no way I could agree with a mom letting her boyfriend rule her kids and her house. No way.

Whatever is everyone's opinion on race or culture is not helping this boy's situation. He's a teenager and has a younger brother to worry about. Both of them don't need to be stuck between their mom and her boyfriend, this is unfair to them. 

Do you have any other family members living close to you? 

What don't you like about your mom's boyfriend. Is he rude? Or is it he's strict and wants new rules in the house? 

This is something you need to talk to your mom. Explain how you feel about having a new person in your family. 

I don't think I can put my kids through a situation like this. My kids' well being will always be my priority.


----------



## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> I agree with you on this. When a man moves too fast into the life of a woman who has young children at home, it raises red flags. Sadly, this is far too common.


Do you think a year is too fast?


----------



## manfromlamancha

DownByTheRiver said:


> I am a registered Native American. They have a terrible history but they don't live in the past like some cultures do trying to use the distant past to profit in the present. I grew up in Oklahoma where nearly everyone has Native American in them. There's nothing to stop anyone from climbing out of whatever situation they're in. Most natives do not live on a reservation. If they do that is by choice. Nor do I know of any whose parents raised them to hate white men or Spanish men because of what happened in the past. They live and work like everybody else. And they don't seek to only socialize with other Native Americans, nor do they blame the distant relatives of white or Spanish men today for what happened in the past.


In your post before this you said you were "a little of both". - just about every white man I have met has claimed just that. And now you say that you are a registered Native American (the fact that they need to be registered to be recognised officially by the government is offensive in itself). 

I only objected to your statement that the cultures were the same - they most definitely are not! I did not say that people should dwell on the past or that a great many of what is left of the native American has chosen to live and integrate into current society and that is not a bad thing. The probable truth is that they would have not survived any progressive society because they held on to traditional ways etc. ie they were destined to lose this fight no matter who the conquerors were.

I however have witnessed the resentment first hand even in mixed couples families. Not hate - not even anger - just resentment.


----------



## Young at Heart

EI said:


> *What is so difficult for some of you to understand?* When you have minor children, still living at home, you don’t just suddenly move new boyfriend/new girlfriend, into the home, where your children live, and expect them to just naturally be comfortable in that situation.
> 
> Your children’s safety, health and well being come first. Period. *What about gradually introducing your children to your new friend, taking time *for everyone to get to know one another, going on some family outings together, and seeing how well your new friend relates to your children before you allow them to start sleeping over. No child is going to feel comfortable when someone who is little more than a stranger; or call him a new acquaintance, if you want to be generous, moves into their home, their safe space, and starts acting like an authority figure.
> 
> I think this would extremely uncomfortable for a 17 year old male, who almost certainly feels very protective of his mother and younger brother, having been the oldest male in the household since his parents divorced.
> 
> This whole situation feels off to me. If the mother and her new love interest can barely communicate due to the language barrier, how close can they truly be? If she is abandoning her culture completely in favor of her new boyfriend’s culture, rather than the two of them attempting to blend cultures, how can this not leave her two sons feeling somewhat left out, and abandoned?
> 
> I honestly don’t think this has much, if anything, to do with racism on the part of the OP. But, I do think he’s feeling confused and hurt regarding *his mother’s apparent willingness to abandon their family’s cultural heritage* in favor of her new boyfriend’s culture, and I think that’s completely understandable that he would feel that way.
> 
> Mom is in her late 40’s, and she is entitled to have a life of her own. I don’t think anyone is arguing against that point. But, before entitlements, come requirements, and as a mother, of minor children, her first responsibility is to her children. Moving a new boyfriend into their home, within just a few short months of meeting him, especially someone who has not even attempted to develop a rapport with her children, before asserting his authority over them, is selfish, inappropriate, and irresponsible.


While I agree with much of what you said, you asked a question. I have a few questions of my own.

In this specific case how many months should a single mother wait to introduce her new boyfriend to her children? I like your idea of "gradual" but have no idea what that means, especially when romantic relationships can go from dating to mating and to marriage within very short times. 3 months (a lot can happen in 3 months), 6 months, 9 months, 1 year, it depends (on what)? 

Personally, I believe that a person should ideally wait until they have gotten through grieving the loss of their marriage to make sure they don't get involved with a rebound relationship. Having kids does complicate that. Also, in Covid with jobs being uncertain and child care extremely difficult, my heart goes out to a single parent, especially one without a job.

What does the divorced mom of two do during those months of "gradual introduction?" Let her relationship with this man wallow? Sneak around and not tell her kids what she is doing? Some kind of balancing act? 

And now the really big question on "*abandon their family’s cultural heritage." *A long time ago, I learned in school that in the USA there was a cultural "melting pot" concept, while in Canada there was a Cultural mosaic approach to assimilation. If you want to see a country on real melting pot steroids look at France, where at times they even ban words of foreign origin. Historically, whether it was Irish, German, or a host of immigrants U.S immigrants tried to learn the culture of their host country. Actually, that is still part of citizenship examinations in many countries across the world. Many immigrants to the US, have worked hard to have their children speak English*. *As a matter of public educational policy virtually all schools in the US are required to teach English to their students, even when some education is in other languages as well so that the students may academically progress the quickest. 

So my question is, how do two people who are romantically involved, determine what cultural heritage, they adopt in a blended family? Is it by majority vote? Is it by negotiation, and if so negotiation with whom, all family members or just the adults? Are any allowed to veto certain cultural heritage items.

Personally, I oppose (and I am sure you do not favor) all racial purity laws, or anti-miscegenation laws and feel that they represent society at its worst. I also once spent time talking to an official of Germany's school system about cultural assimilation of immigrants and comparing the advantages and disadvantages of different approaches. As imperfect as the USA results seem to be, he really wished Germany did as well as the US in terms of assimilation of immigrants.

While I do believe that a part of parenting is to raise the next generation with some cultural appreciation on their own heritage, I also feel that parents need to also prepare their children to live in more than an isolated bubble. Maybe the single mom of two's feeding her kids foods her boyfriend like was an attempt to gradually expand their appreciation of him? I don't know? For me Christmas always included a Swedish candle powered Angel Carousel chime. My kids and grandchildren have no idea what that is. I would absolutely under no circumstances try to feed them Lutefisk.

I really do feel that the 17 year old is in a tough place having recently arrived from El Salvado, having to learn a new language, new customs, a new culture, without the support of his now absent dad. That has to be harsh, but how much can a single mother of two without a job do to create a bubble to protect her children? Some who understand the violence and poverty in parts of El Salvador, might think that the cultural disruption, might be worth the safety and promise of living in the USA. From just a "embracing her children's cultural heritage perspective," some would say she should have never left El Salvador, but the single mom of two probably thought moving to the USA was better for her children, even if it might be difficult..


----------



## DownByTheRiver

manfromlamancha said:


> In your post before this you said you were "a little of both". - just about every white man I have met has claimed just that. And now you say that you are a registered Native American (the fact that they need to be registered to be recognised officially by the government is offensive in itself).
> 
> I only objected to your statement that the cultures were the same - they most definitely are not! I did not say that people should dwell on the past or that a great many of what is left of the native American has chosen to live and integrate into current society and that is not a bad thing. The probable truth is that they would have not survived any progressive society because they held on to traditional ways etc. ie they were destined to lose this fight no matter who the conquerors were.
> 
> I however have witnessed the resentment first hand even in mixed couples families. Not hate - not even anger - just resentment.


My tribe founded the 2nd college in the US who allowed women. They also had a newspaper in two languages before they were uprooted and relocated. They were surviving just fine. That's for another thread.

And I'm afraid you are mistaken that the government requires Native Americans to register. They don't, and many people can't prove their heritage anyway.


----------



## Young at Heart

manfromlamancha said:


> So why did you date the girl if you couldn't speak to each other? What was the attraction? Was it to get into her pants?


I assume you have heard of GI's bringing home war-brides from from all kinds of deployments in foreign locations from the earliest times in our country. There are lots of non-verbal ways of communicating, and it is amazing how quickly one can learn a language if one is really motivated.

I once worked with a guy who was an intern I hired prior to his graduating from college. He went into the Peace Corps to help pay off his college loans. He contacted me when he returned from a remote island in the south seas Peace Corps assignment. He laughingly told me he was married and that his wife was the ultimate tourist souvenir. He was a nice young man and they seemed to make each other quite happy.

In the words of _*Selean Gomez (and the pedophile, Woody Allen) The Heart Wants What It Wants*_. Sometimes, it may even work out.


----------



## Diana7

Young at Heart said:


> I assume you have heard of GI's bringing home war-brides from from all kinds of deployments in foreign locations from the earliest times in our country. There are lots of non-verbal ways of communicating, and it is amazing how quickly one can learn a language if one is really motivated.
> 
> I once worked with a guy who was an intern I hired prior to his graduating from college. He went into the Peace Corps to help pay off his college loans. He contacted me when he returned from a remote island in the south seas Peace Corps assignment. He laughingly told me he was married and that his wife was the ultimate tourist souvenir. He was a nice young man and they seemed to make each other quite happy.
> 
> In the words of _*Selean Gomez (and the pedophile, Woody Allen) The Heart Wants What It Wants*_. Sometimes, it may even work out.


People can pick up another language very quickly. 
I remember when I was at school age about 13 or 14 a German girl started. She could barely speak any English. Within a few months she was fluent and was getting better marks in English than most of us!


----------



## manfromlamancha

DownByTheRiver said:


> My tribe founded the 2nd college in the US who allowed women. They also had a newspaper in two languages before they were uprooted and relocated. They were surviving just fine. That's for another thread.
> 
> And I'm afraid you are mistaken that the government requires Native Americans to register. They don't, and many people can't prove their heritage anyway.


I did not say the govt requires Native Americans to register - I said they require them to register to be officially classified as Native American. I certainly agree that many cannot prove their heritage anyway (I wonder if these DNA ancestry tests would work here). Here is what I have an issue with - folk going round saying I am part Cherokee and therefore I have a right to be here in this country and the person saying this looks like a Viking!!!


----------



## manfromlamancha

Young at Heart said:


> I assume you have heard of GI's bringing home war-brides from from all kinds of deployments in foreign locations from the earliest times in our country. There are lots of non-verbal ways of communicating, and it is amazing how quickly one can learn a language if one is really motivated.
> 
> I once worked with a guy who was an intern I hired prior to his graduating from college. He went into the Peace Corps to help pay off his college loans. He contacted me when he returned from a remote island in the south seas Peace Corps assignment. He laughingly told me he was married and that his wife was the ultimate tourist souvenir. He was a nice young man and they seemed to make each other quite happy.
> 
> In the words of _*Selean Gomez (and the pedophile, Woody Allen) The Heart Wants What It Wants*_. Sometimes, it may even work out.


I not only am familiar with GIs bringing home "war brides" but have witnessed it first hand! And most of these "relationships" were ridiculous.


----------



## EleGirl

manfromlamancha said:


> In your post before this you said you were "a little of both". - just about every white man I have met has claimed just that. And now you say that you are a registered Native American (the fact that they need to be registered to be recognised officially by the government is offensive in itself).


The reason that tribal members register is so that they are counted in the tribal census. Tribal enrollment requirements preserve the unique character and traditions of each tribe. Each tribe establishes membership criteria based on shared customs, traditions, language and tribal blood.

Tribes get federal funding based on the number of registered tribal members. Also, there are some benefits that tribals members get. For example, tribal members can get free healthcare through the Indian Health Service. 

Unfortunately, a lot of tribes have been disenrolling and banishing members. That those who remain get more benefits, larger divide of casino riches, etc.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

manfromlamancha said:


> I did not say the govt requires Native Americans to register - I said they require them to register to be officially classified as Native American. I certainly agree that many cannot prove their heritage anyway (I wonder if these DNA ancestry tests would work here). Here is what I have an issue with - folk going round saying I am part Cherokee and therefore I have a right to be here in this country and the person saying this looks like a Viking!!!


Well since Vikings are among the ones who plundered native tribes earliest, I don't really think it's unfair.

There are native traits that don't have to do with how you look.


----------



## zx_why22

pastasauce79 said:


> Siento mucho por lo q estás pasando! Yo también soy hispana.
> 
> I'm Hispanic and i understand completely what you are going through.
> 
> There are huge, HUGE differences between Hispanic culture and African American culture. There's a lot of segregation in some Hispanic countries. This is part of the culture, unfortunately. But above all, there's no way I could agree with a mom letting her boyfriend rule her kids and her house. No way.
> 
> Whatever is everyone's opinion on race or culture is not helping this boy's situation. He's a teenager and has a younger brother to worry about. Both of them don't need to be stuck between their mom and her boyfriend, this is unfair to them.
> 
> Do you have any other family members living close to you?
> 
> What don't you like about your mom's boyfriend. Is he rude? Or is it he's strict and wants new rules in the house?
> 
> This is something you need to talk to your mom. Explain how you feel about having a new person in your family.
> 
> I don't think I can put my kids through a situation like this. My kids' well being will always be my priority.


muchas gracias hermana por tu comentario, las cosas han cambiado mucho…

I dont like that he has come and taken over some
He is bossing my brother and has now attemp to do to me the same, he does not want to embrace what we have done here normally at home and now she is listening to him

I do not have family nearby I am not sure


----------



## zx_why22

manfromlamancha said:


> Wow!!!! So I have got to ask - what is the attraction? Physical? Is your Mom attractive?


I do not know

I thought they were friends

my mom of course I will say she is a beautiful woman and one of my best friends, without her I am not here

I just don’t get it but today there were problems


----------



## zx_why22

manfromlamancha said:


> What would happen if you told him to f off?


yesterday my fear came true, I spoke with my mom and she was not happy

she hugged me but told me that she wanted peace between us all and to not worry but when I told her how I feel about the tradition and my brother she got sad and he came in and

he is not my dad and will never be my dad

I woke up yesterday and today sad - my mom used to listen to her himnos or and clean around our home, she used to make chorizos frijoles y huevos now it’s all gone

I want to go back this is not gonna get better I’m sorry to all of you I am sick


----------



## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> yesterday my fear came true, I spoke with my mom and she was not happy
> 
> she hugged me but told me that she wanted peace between us all and to not worry but when I told her how I feel about the tradition and my brother she got sad and he came in and
> 
> he is not my dad and will never be my dad
> 
> I woke up yesterday and today sad - my mom used to listen to her himnos or and clean around our home, she used to make chorizos frijoles y huevos now it’s all gone
> 
> I want to go back this is not gonna get better I’m sorry to all of you I am sick


I am sure you would prefer it if things stayed the same. If you were still the man of the family, if it was still just the three of you and if you mum never met another man, but life doesn't work like that. 
You will probably be off to work or college soon living your own life. Your mum clearly likes this guy, why can't she be happy? Would you prefer it if she never met anyone else? If she stayed lonely and alone for the rest of her life? 
Your brother will be fine. Try not to influence him about this guy. 
He may get to really like him, after all his own dad has abandoned him so he needs a good father figure around. 

Give him a chance and make an effort.


----------



## zx_why22

Diana7 said:


> I am sure you would prefer it if things stayed the same. If you were still the man of the family, if it was still just the three of you and if you mum never met another man, but life doesn't work like that.
> You will probably be off to work or college soon living your own life. Your mum clearly likes this guy, why can't she be happy? Would you prefer it if she never met anyone else? If she stayed lonely and alone for the rest of her life?
> Your brother will be fine. Try not to influence him about this guy.
> He may get to really like him, after all his own dad has abandoned him so he needs a good father figure around.
> 
> Give him a chance and make an effort.


I gave him chance and he is changing everything here my mom is not the same anymore he does not want me and her to connect anymore and is making her side with him this is not normal

no this is not fine I am not happy I do not even know what to study I cannot afford college… my dad had a job for me and now it’s gone

no my brother will not be fine he is losing his tradition I have not eaten good in over three months only food that isnot the same


----------



## zx_why22

Diana7 said:


> I am sure you would prefer it if things stayed the same. If you were still the man of the family, if it was still just the three of you and if you mum never met another man, but life doesn't work like that.
> You will probably be off to work or college soon living your own life. Your mum clearly likes this guy, why can't she be happy? Would you prefer it if she never met anyone else? If she stayed lonely and alone for the rest of her life?
> Your brother will be fine. Try not to influence him about this guy.
> He may get to really like him, after all his own dad has abandoned him so he needs a good father figure around.
> 
> Give him a chance and make an effort.


vengo de un país donde trabajamos… trabajábamos en los mercados ayudando a nuestra familia…

no hables de mi hermano que está en riesgo de no entender ni quien es y de donde viene

Le di la oportunidad y lo único que hizo fue que mi mamá cambiara y dejara todo, ¿y ahora no puedo ni hablar con ella sin que este hombre venga y piense que él es el jefe y la defienda? de que? que yo hable con ella?

sorry I had to write in Spanish it was getting stressful to explain myself


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> You can't possibly know that he is violent or that he is an idiot. He has a good job, he does volunteer work, he has his own place but sounds as if he stays over there more because she has the children. The op even says he seems nice.
> 
> I know a single divorced mum in her 30's who met a nice young man about a year ago. She has a child of 4 who rarely sees his dad as he moved abroad, and quite quickly the boyfriend moved in and the child adores him and he is very good with the child. *Months later and he calls him daddy *and they are doing really well. Sometimes it works.


freaking UGH. Is all I have to say.


----------



## Evinrude58

The kid is in a strange country, lost his dad over a divorce, his dad is supporting his mom while she doesn’t work a lick and spends her time dating a guy who she can’t even have a conversation with.

my advice to you OP is to consider going yo live with your dad, or simply finding a way to cope and get some kind of job skill so you can move out and live your life like you want to.
You can learn a couple of skills possibly at your school, or consider contacting some local unions like welders or pipe fitters and becoming an apprentice and receive training.
Or join the armed forces and learn a trade there. You’d also get the GI bill. 

you’re not in that huge of a bind now. Let your min live her life like she wants to, she’s going to anyway. Work on building your own future.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> freaking UGH. Is all I have to say.


Why? I think it's great. Loads of families are made up of one parent who isn't the blood parent. 
They are so happy and the child adores him. He is a really lovely young man, brilliant with the little boy, and she and the child deserve happiness after her ex husband (his dad) treated them appallingly and abandoned them. 
I am very happy and pleased for them. They have a second chance and I have no idea why anyone would think that way about people's happiness and being given a lovely new start.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> The kid is in a strange country, lost his dad over a divorce, his dad is supporting his mom while she doesn’t work a lick and spends her time dating a guy who she can’t even have a conversation with.
> 
> my advice to you OP is to consider going yo live with your dad, or simply finding a way to cope and get some kind of job skill so you can move out and live your life like you want to.
> You can learn a couple of skills possibly at your school, or consider contacting some local unions like welders or pipe fitters and becoming an apprentice and receive training.
> Or join the armed forces and learn a trade there. You’d also get the GI bill.
> 
> you’re not in that huge of a bind now. Let your min live her life like she wants to, she’s going to anyway. Work on building your own future.


Its a shame that his dad abandoned them.


----------



## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> vengo de un país donde trabajamos… trabajábamos en los mercados ayudando a nuestra familia…
> 
> no hables de mi hermano que está en riesgo de no entender ni quien es y de donde viene
> 
> Le di la oportunidad y lo único que hizo fue que mi mamá cambiara y dejara todo, ¿y ahora no puedo ni hablar con ella sin que este hombre venga y piense que él es el jefe y la defienda? de que? que yo hable con ella?
> 
> sorry I had to write in Spanish it was getting stressful to explain myself


Sorry I don't speak Spanish but I hope you can learn to accept him in time and try different foods and ways of living. We can try new things while still valuing our own customs. If you are really unhappy maybe your dad could actually be a good dad and come and live nearer to you and your brother? Then again he may meet a lady at some point as well so you may have similar issues there.
Maybe you and you brother could go and live with him half the time if he came back to where you are living?


----------



## Evinrude58

Why are you thinking their father has all these options? Why do you say he abandoned them, when clearly this man is STiLL supporting his ex wife and kids while she does nothing but date guys she can’t even have a conversation with?

how about applying this same attitude equally with a mom who isn’t even home with her kids a lot?

OP, I hope you’ll tell us if you feel your dad has abandoned you.


----------



## pastasauce79

Diana7 said:


> I am sure you would prefer it if things stayed the same. If you were still the man of the family, if it was still just the three of you and if you mum never met another man, but life doesn't work like that.
> You will probably be off to work or college soon living your own life. Your mum clearly likes this guy, why can't she be happy? Would you prefer it if she never met anyone else? If she stayed lonely and alone for the rest of her life?
> Your brother will be fine. Try not to influence him about this guy.
> He may get to really like him, after all his own dad has abandoned him so he needs a good father figure around.
> 
> Give him a chance and make an effort.


I would never choose a man over my children. 

These kids have left behind a home, family, friends for a better future. Now they have to lose their mom as well. This is so traumatic!!! I can't believe you are telling the child to give the boyfriend a chance. 

It's really hard for me to understand your advice sometimes.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> Why are you thinking their father has all these options? Why do you say he abandoned them, when clearly this man is STiLL supporting his ex wife and kids while she does nothing but date guys she can’t even have a conversation with?
> 
> how about applying this same attitude equally with a mom who isn’t even home with her kids a lot?
> 
> OP, I hope you’ll tell us if you feel your dad has abandoned you.


She is bringing them up 24/7. He just texts the older one. Never sees the younger one.


----------



## Diana7

pastasauce79 said:


> I would never choose a man over my children.
> 
> These kids have left behind a home, family, friends for a better future. Now they have to lose their mom as well. This is so traumatic!!! I can't believe you are telling the child to give the boyfriend a chance.
> 
> It's really hard for me to understand your advice sometimes.


How are they loosing their mum? She is still bringing them up 24/7. Probably doing the best she can.
She isn't choosing a man over her children.


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> She is bringing them up 24/7. He just texts the older one. Never sees the younger one.


The guy may be too busy working his tail off PROVIDING for them and their mother. Does the younger one attempt to call his dad?


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> How are they loosing their mum? She is still bringing them up 24/7. Probably doing the best she can.
> She isn't choosing a man over her children.


No, she isn’t. She’s not “bringing them up” 24/7. She doesn’t work, and she’s off spending the night with a man that doesn’t even speak her language, nor she his. It’s quite obvious she’s bringing something up, but not her kids.
The government and their father is “bringing them up”.


----------



## pastasauce79

Diana7 said:


> She is bringing them up 24/7. He just texts the older one. Never sees the younger one.


The dad probably can't come to the US again. This is an immigrant family. Their living situation is far different from what you are used to. 

She's choosing her boyfriend if she's not caring about her children's feelings or well-being. 

Don't you see the child is struggling? Don't you see the child is brokenhearted?


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> No, she isn’t. She’s not “bringing them up” 24/7. She doesn’t work, and she’s off spending the night with a man that doesn’t even speak her language, nor she his. It’s quite obvious she’s bringing something up, but not her kids.
> The government and their father is “bringing them up”.


She spends the occasional night. Then gets criticized when she invited him there, she can't win. Its the person who is there with their children, regardless of the money who brings them up. Their dad decided to go back home and doesn't see his own children. Ok he sends some child support as he should but the hard bit is actually being with your children. Sending a cheque every now and again is the easy part.


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> She spends the occasional night. Then gets criticized when she invited him there, she can't win. Its the person who is there with their children, regardless of the money who brings them up. Their dad decided to go back home and doesn't see his own children. Ok he sends some child support as he should but the hard bit is actually being with your children. Sending a cheque every now and again is the easy part.


I respectfully disagree.


----------



## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> Why are you thinking their father has all these options? Why do you say he abandoned them, when clearly this man is STiLL supporting his ex wife and kids while she does nothing but date guys she can’t even have a conversation with?
> 
> how about applying this same attitude equally with a mom who isn’t even home with her kids a lot?
> 
> OP, I hope you’ll tell us if you feel your dad has abandoned you.


hello, dad has not abandoned me. He is still with me in my heart and through our communications. The most we can do is talk sometimes and text. He does not have good signal where he is. He has been working hard and the money was intended to keep me and my brother healthy and happy. He is not an evil man he is having to take care of me and mi abuela. This is hard


----------



## zx_why22

Diana7 said:


> Sorry I don't speak Spanish but I hope you can learn to accept him in time and try different foods and ways of living. We can try new things while still valuing our own customs. If you are really unhappy maybe your dad could actually be a good dad and come and live nearer to you and your brother? Then again he may meet a lady at some point as well so you may have similar issues there.
> Maybe you and you brother could go and live with him half the time if he came back to where you are living?


He lives in El Salvador there is not enough money to pay for flight and I do not know if I will see her again if I leave


----------



## Diana7

pastasauce79 said:


> The dad probably can't come to the US again. This is an immigrant family. Their living situation is far different from what you are used to.
> 
> She's choosing her boyfriend if she's not caring about her children's feelings or well-being.
> 
> Don't you see the child is struggling? Don't you see the child is brokenhearted?


He didn't have to go away in the first place though. 
My younger 2 children didn't welcome my now husband for quite some time. My eldest who had recently left home liked him immediately. I understand exactly where this nearly adult is coming from. My youngest was about his age when I was dating Mr D. 
It took a lot of time and a lot of patience from my husband to show them that he wasn't like their dad, that they could trust him, that he loved their mum, that he was here for the long haul. 
It was a very strained situation for a long time. Eventually they knew he wasn't going anywhere, they began to trust him and the rest is history. It was about a year though before things began to improve. I knew they would, but it takes effort on everyone's part.


----------



## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> hello, dad has not abandoned me. He is still with me in my heart and through our communications. The most we can do is talk sometimes and text. He does not have good signal where he is. He has been working hard and the money was intended to keep me and my brother healthy and happy. He is not an evil man he is having to take care of me and mi abuela. This is hard


Why did he leave you there? Can you go and see him for visits? Has he got a new partner?


----------



## zx_why22

Diana7 said:


> Why did he leave you there? Can you go and see him for visits? Has he got a new partner?


i cannot visit him it is not possible because of my money situation to visit him. I do not know if I will be able to come back if i do also

he left not out of choice, he had to leave ... he did not have anywhere else to go and my abuela was sick. no he does not have anyone but my family, i and my brother are his only sons


----------



## Evinrude58

zx_why22 said:


> hello, dad has not abandoned me. He is still with me in my heart and through our communications. The most we can do is talk sometimes and text. He does not have good signal where he is. He has been working hard and the money was intended to keep me and my brother healthy and happy. He is not an evil man he is having to take care of me and mi abuela. This is hard


Very sorry you’re in this situation. But, your life is under your control. Start working toward a career. Try not to let this guy/mom situation rule your thoughts. You’re 17, right? You have all sorts of options snd can make your life however you want it. Don’t leave the USA. This is still a land of opportunity for a hard worker. Realize how your life is now, will not be how it is in the future. Concentrate on building yourself a good future. If you do well, you can find a way to visit your dad or get him here again. Your situation with mom’s bf is temporary. And she very well may choose to ditch him. He wouldn’t be the first.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

If you are not already legal in the United States, you should start filling out paperwork now to apply for citizenship because it takes a long time. That's the only good way to go if you want to work and make a good living.


----------



## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> Very sorry you’re in this situation. But, your life is under your control. Start working toward a career. Try not to let this guy/mom situation rule your thoughts. You’re 17, right? You have all sorts of options snd can make your life however you want it. Don’t leave the USA. This is still a land of opportunity for a hard worker. Realize how your life is now, will not be how it is in the future. Concentrate on building yourself a good future. If you do well, you can find a way to visit your dad or get him here again. Your situation with mom’s bf is temporary. And she very well may choose to ditch him. He wouldn’t be the first.


I will ask for help at my school I do not know where to go to for school I do not know a lot 

I still live with my mom but I do not want to leave her here, what if they leave and don’t come back with that man

i do not know if she will leave him now she did not like when I said how I felt and he was very defensive over her when he saw her upset

I will do my best to research more, I wish my mom did not let the man change her… she does not even listen to her hymns anymore


----------



## DownByTheRiver

zx_why22 said:


> I will ask for help at my school I do not know where to go to for school I do not know a lot
> 
> I still live with my mom but I do not want to leave her here, what if they leave and don’t come back with that man
> 
> i do not know if she will leave him now she did not like when I said how I felt and he was very defensive over her when he saw her upset
> 
> I will do my best to research more, I wish my mom did not let the man change her… she does not even listen to her hymns anymore


Talking to a school counselor would be a good idea.


----------



## pastasauce79

Diana7 said:


> Why did he leave you there? Can you go and see him for visits? Has he got a new partner?


This is an immigrant family, Diana. You have no idea what they are going through! 🤦


----------



## RandomDude

Evinrude58 said:


> freaking UGH. Is all I have to say.


Yeah, never gonna happen in my family either. Even my ex the furthest she could get was big sister.

@zx_why22

I'm really pissed off at your mum especially the way she takes his side over yours. It really brings back memories. Stand up to BOTH of them ALL the way, encourage your brother to as well.



Diana7 said:


> How are they loosing their mum? She is still bringing them up 24/7. Probably doing the best she can.
> She isn't choosing a man over her children.


🤬
YES she is:



zx_why22 said:


> *I gave him chance and he is changing everything here my mom is not the same anymore he does not want me and her to connect anymore and is making her side with him this is not normal
> 
> no this is not fine I am not happy...*


OP, you have to make a stand and it's sad you have to do it alone and at a young age but this is life.
Look for support networks outside of your family and keep in contact with your dad.

&#$&@# parents, I HATE it when they neglect their children like this. BAH!


----------



## RandomDude

All she has to do at the VERY LEAST is to restrict his authority and rights (aka none) in the household for the sake of her sons.
But noooo, is that sooooo hard? 🤦‍♂️

BAH! &#$&@# useless. Sorry... but &#$&@# man! Loneliness overriding love for your children?! Bah! Blatantly taking her bf's side too?

NEVER would I ever do that as a parent. It's called &#$&@# responsibility! BAH!


----------



## RandomDude

pastasauce79 said:


> The dad probably can't come to the US again. This is an immigrant family. Their living situation is far different from what you are used to.
> 
> She's choosing her boyfriend if she's not caring about her children's feelings or well-being.
> 
> Don't you see the child is struggling? Don't you see the child is brokenhearted?


And sadly there's only one road out of this, and I know it well. He needs to find his own feet, heavens be merciful as to provide opportunities for him and his brother.

If the mum will not choose her sons over her boyfriend, he will have to harden his heart amidst the heartbreak as to preserve his own dignity and give him the strength of what may possibly come next.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

His mom may be from a culture where the men do the disciplining and may be happy that the new guy is getting involved that way.


----------



## RandomDude

DownByTheRiver said:


> His mom may be from a culture where the men do the disciplining and may be happy that the new guy is getting involved that way.


If I was OP new guy would be missing fingers if he dares try.

This does not have to be a situation, but sadly if the mother will not respond to reason it's time for a rebellion and rightly so. Give her hell until she's forced to peace talks.
You should NOT ignore your children without consequences.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> If I was OP new guy would be missing fingers if he dares try.
> 
> This does not have to be a situation, but sadly if the mother will not respond to reason it's time for a rebellion and rightly so. Give her hell until she's forced to peace talks.
> You should NOT ignore your children without consequences.


If he goes to the school counselor the chances that someone will look into it are pretty good.


----------



## zx_why22

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, never gonna happen in my family either. Even my ex the furthest she could get was big sister.
> 
> @zx_why22
> 
> I'm really pissed off at your mum especially the way she takes his side over yours. It really brings back memories. Stand up to BOTH of them ALL the way, encourage your brother to as well.
> 
> 
> 
> 🤬
> YES she is:
> 
> 
> 
> OP, you have to make a stand and it's sad you have to do it alone and at a young age but this is life.
> Look for support networks outside of your family and keep in contact with your dad.
> 
> &#$&@# parents, I HATE it when they neglect their children like this. BAH!


I will see what I can do, I already tried saying how I feel to her and it did not work and went bad for me

i do not hate her and I do not know how to involve my younger brother


----------



## RandomDude

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he goes to the school counselor the chances that someone will look into it are pretty good.


Yeah agreed, that's a good start and a lot of roads can branch from there.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> Yeah agreed, that's a good start and a lot of roads can branch from there.


It's not always optimum, if you need some one to guide him.


----------



## RandomDude

zx_why22 said:


> I will see what I can do, I already tried saying how I feel to her and it did not work and went bad for me
> 
> i do not hate her and I do not know how to involve my younger brother


As Elegirl mentioned, the school counselor would be a good first step.

You do not have to hate her, she is simply just so deep in her loneliness that she has decided neglect of her children is acceptable in her present circumstance. It's pathetic but it's common, sad to say and you are caught up in it.

What did you tell her specifically and what did she say, close to exact words - if possible?


----------



## EI

DownByTheRiver said:


> His mom may be from a culture where the men do the disciplining and may be happy that the new guy is getting involved that way.


You may be right, however, this man is NOT their father. He’s not even their mother’s husband. He has most certainly not earned the trust and respect of her sons, much less their love. New boyfriend has no business whatsoever acting in the role of a father or authority figure, at this point. They’re not living in his home, he is living in theirs.

Children, of all ages, need and deserve a safe space. If they cannot find it at home, then they may be tempted to turn elsewhere. That’s when the real trouble begins.

It is so painfully obvious from this young man’s posts that he is deeply hurting. He feels displaced in his own home, and he feels as if his mother is choosing her boyfriend over him and his younger brother.

Someone in an earlier post asked how long the mother should wait before getting more involved with the new boyfriend. I don’t have an exact answer to that, because every situation is different. But, considering these two boys are still adjusting to their parents’ divorce, in addition to living in a new country, now is definitely not the time to move another man into the family home. Dating and cohabitating are two very different things.

To be honest, I have always found most members of TAM to be quite morally conservative. I’m somewhat shocked that anyone here thinks this 17 y/o would be able to easily accept this situation and just be happy for mom. His whole world had been turned upside down. Mom needs to put her children first. How long? How ever long it takes or until they’re grown. That doesn’t mean mom’s needs don’t count, but her children’s needs should come first.


----------



## zx_why22

RandomDude said:


> As Elegirl mentioned, the school counselor would be a good first step.
> 
> You do not have to hate her, she is simply just so deep in her loneliness that she has decided neglect of her children is acceptable in her present circumstance. It's pathetic but it's common, sad to say and you are caught up in it.
> 
> What did you tell her specifically and what did she say, close to exact words - if possible?


I told her

I told her I felt sad since the divorce, that life has not been the same and that I feel like things might be happening quickly. she first hugged me, but then when I mentioned the cultural aspect and she may be tricked... she she started to say why in a shocking manner, and i was surprised to hear her speak in both english and spanish. she told me that she had to be happy, and before anything else he came in and hugged her and started telling me to respect my mom and to give them a second. i instantly left the room and have alone in my room here since that happened. sorry if not very detailed


----------



## Diana7

pastasauce79 said:


> This is an immigrant family, Diana. You have no idea what they are going through! 🤦


There are many similarities with the relationship situation and ages of children etc. 

Btw my husband is also an immigrant. He is an Aussie and doesn't have a British passport.


----------



## Diana7

pastasauce79 said:


> This is an immigrant family, Diana. You have no idea what they are going through! 🤦


There are many similarities with the relationship situation and ages of children etc. 

Btw my husband is an immigrant. He is an Aussie and doesn't have a British passport. His wider family are all in Oz.


----------



## Diana7

zx_why22 said:


> I will see what I can do, I already tried saying how I feel to her and it did not work and went bad for me
> 
> i do not hate her and I do not know how to involve my younger brother


Dont involve him he is only 10.


----------



## RandomDude

zx_why22 said:


> I told her I felt sad since the divorce, that life has not been the same and that I feel like things might be happening quickly. she first hugged me, but then when I mentioned the cultural aspect and she may be tricked... she she started to say why in a shocking manner, and i was surprised to hear her speak in both english and spanish. she told me that she had to be happy, and before anything else he came in and hugged her and started telling me to respect my mom and to give them a second. i instantly left the room and have alone in my room here since that happened. sorry if not very detailed


Bloody hell.

Talk to her again when he's not at home so he can no longer intrude.

When you do get her alone, be more serious about the situation and how it's affecting you, do not let her dismiss the issue. 
You need to learn to *assert* your needs to your mum.


----------



## zx_why22

RandomDude said:


> Bloody hell.
> 
> Talk to her again when he's not at home so he can no longer intrude.
> 
> When you do get her alone, be more serious about the situation and how it's affecting you, do not let her dismiss the issue.
> You need to learn to *assert* your needs to your mum.


I will try whenever he is not home, he tends to take her out with him a lot and she seemed upset with what I said I fear he is wanting me not here

I thank you for your advice and everyone here


----------



## Evinrude58

Nothing you’ve said makes me think he’s trying to get rid of you, buddy. You’re upset. Absolutely talk to her when he’s not around. Don’t waste time talking to her when he is. He’s there to spend time with her, not you.
Yes you’re an inconvenience. Let that light a fire under you to get some training snd a future for yourself and perhaps your brother established. Regardless of who, it sounds like your mom is wanting a man to live with.
None of them will likely have your best interests at heart. The world is not a utopia where moms make good decisions and all black guys or purple guys are good men at heart. That said, you don’t know this guy yet and he really hasn’t given you serious problems. Nothing wrong with getting to know him a little since he lives in your home and trying to find out what kind of man he is.
He’s an electrician and that’s a profession. He may not be so bad a guy. You don’t have to love him, but he may not be a man worthy of hating him, either.
My thoughts are the language barrier and him living with you. That’s not cool. If he had respectable intentions, he’d ask her to marry him and get married before moving in. Jmo.

how did he tell you to respect your mom and give them a second if he doesn’t speak your language?


----------



## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> Nothing you’ve said makes me think he’s trying to get rid of you, buddy. You’re upset. Absolutely talk to her when he’s not around. Don’t waste time talking to her when he is. He’s there to spend time with her, not you.
> Yes you’re an inconvenience. Let that light a fire under you to get some training snd a future for yourself and perhaps your brother established. Regardless of who, it sounds like your mom is wanting a man to live with.
> None of them will likely have your best interests at heart. The world is not a utopia where moms make good decisions and all black guys or purple guys are good men at heart. That said, you don’t know this guy yet and he really hasn’t given you serious problems. Nothing wrong with getting to know him a little since he lives in your home and trying to find out what kind of man he is.
> He’s an electrician and that’s a profession. He may not be so bad a guy. You don’t have to love him, but he may not be a man worthy of hating him, either.
> My thoughts are the language barrier and him living with you. That’s not cool. If he had respectable intentions, he’d ask her to marry him and get married before moving in. Jmo.
> 
> how did he tell you to respect your mom and give them a second if he doesn’t speak your language?


he told me in English when he said I need to respect her, and then wanted a moment with her

do you think my mom is actually gonna marry him? I am doing my best to defend my brother. I do not want him to forget his blood and culture l, I have said he is trying to boss him around and they are not even married


----------



## Evinrude58

Nobody knows that but her and apparently you haven’t asked her. You should.
But you should talk to her in an understanding and loving way. Not accusatory and overly emotional. In private.
Just because your mom cooks him what he likes doesn’t mean he’s wanting to wipe out your culture. He’s just being a normal person.

what are you going to do on your end to make your life like you want it? Do you study hard? Have you checked into training for jobs you’d like to pursue? Yes, your school counselor could help you some. But they’re overworked.
You can navigate the internet, so the entire world is at your fingertips. 
what are you doing to make your future better? Worrying about your mom’s boyfriend won’t make your life better.


----------



## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> Nobody knows that but her and apparently you haven’t asked her. You should.
> But you should talk to her in an understanding and loving way. Not accusatory and overly emotional. In private.
> Just because your mom cooks him what he likes doesn’t mean he’s wanting to wipe out your culture. He’s just being a normal person.
> 
> what are you going to do on your end to make your life like you want it? Do you study hard? Have you checked into training for jobs you’d like to pursue? Yes, your school counselor could help you some. But they’re overworked.
> You can navigate the internet, so the entire world is at your fingertips.
> what are you doing to make your future better? Worrying about your mom’s boyfriend won’t make your life better.


No friend, but is more than just cooking. mom does not listen to her hymns, stopped teaching my brother about his blood, focused a lot on him and I do not even know if she will celebrate semana santa anymore, what if she loses her religion also? it’s all not right to me. I am in school and seeing what I can do, I was a worker in El Salvador and I was going to work with my dad but that did not happen. I’m worried because I live here and I don’t even know if I will be able to live here in a year or two or if we even will be in this place


----------



## frusdil

Diana7 said:


> Do you think a year is too fast?


When the kids barely know him, yes it is.



Diana7 said:


> She spends the occasional night. Then gets criticized when she invited him there, she can't win. Its the person who is there with their children, regardless of the money who brings them up. Their dad decided to go back home and doesn't see his own children. Ok he sends some child support as he should but the hard bit is actually being with your children. Sending a cheque every now and again is the easy part.


Yes and then lets him stay in her home with her sons for 3 months!



Diana7 said:


> There are many similarities with the relationship situation and ages of children etc.
> 
> Btw my husband is an immigrant. He is an Aussie and doesn't have a British passport. His wider family are all in Oz.


Omfg Diana, NO COMPARISON! Aussie culture is based on British, lol. 

🤦‍♀️



zx_why22 said:


> he told me in English when he said I need to respect her, and then wanted a moment with her
> 
> do you think my mom is actually gonna marry him? I am doing my best to defend my brother. I do not want him to forget his blood and culture l, I have said he is trying to boss him around and they are not even married


I'm so sorry sweetheart. At least tell your mum that you won't be letting him order you and your brother around. He has no right to do that, none at all. If you and your little brother were much younger, and after some time had passed where he had earned your trust, he could be a parent figure. You are 17, you have a dad, you don't need or want him to be that for you or your brother.


----------



## Evinrude58

So you are not an American citizen? When does your visa expire? Are you worried about being deported?
You can get better advice on things if others fully understand your situation.

Your mom is no longer teaching your brother what? My suggestion, if you have a desire to stay here, I’d learn to assimilate to the culture you live in. That doesn’t mean forget your own. You can enjoy the good aspects of both.

Are YOU choosing to go to church on Sundays?

I mean to say that you can control you. You can’t control your mom. Learn ways to make your life better. Bloom where you’re planted.


----------



## RandomDude

frusdil said:


> I'm so sorry sweetheart. *At least tell your mum that you won't be letting him order you and your brother around.* He has no right to do that, none at all. If you and your little brother were much younger, and after some time had passed where he had earned your trust, he could be a parent figure. You are 17, you have a dad, you don't need or want him to be that for you or your brother.


Yes!

Like really, who the &#$^&@ does he think he is?


----------



## Evinrude58

frusdil said:


> When the kids barely know him, yes it is.
> 
> Yes and then lets him stay in her home with her sons for 3 months!
> 
> Omfg Diana, NO COMPARISON! Aussie culture is based on British, lol.
> 🤦‍♀️
> 
> I'm so sorry sweetheart. At least tell your mum that you won't be letting him order you and your brother around. He has no right to do that, none at all. If you and your little brother were much younger, and after some time had passed where he had earned your trust, he could be a parent figure. You are 17, you have a dad, you don't need or want him to be that for you or your brother.


I only somewhat disagree. He lives with them and is an adult. If he is asking of the boys reasonable requests, He as the adult should be shown respect. They may not like sharing their mom with him, or their home, but the fact is they are. Ignoring him will be really poor decision making I think. The 17 yr old can choose to be the leader when he’s making his own way in life. The 10 year old is going yo have to obey the guy whether he likes it or not.
Jmo.


----------



## RandomDude

Evinrude58 said:


> I only somewhat disagree. He lives with them and is an adult. If he is asking of the boys reasonable requests, He as the adult should be shown respect. They may not like sharing their mom with him, or their home, but the fact is they are. Ignoring him will be really poor decision making I think. The 17 yr old can choose to be the leader when he’s making his own way in life. The 10 year old is going yo have to obey the guy whether he likes it or not.
> Jmo.


And that's how you make a trainwreck of a home! 

All he wants is his mum's damn side. That's it. But is that sooooo hard? Oh of course it is... BAH!!!!


----------



## RandomDude

Children are dependents, they have no one else. As such parents have their responsibilities, it is not right OP walks away thinking that it is right his mother neglects hers.


----------



## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> So you are not an American citizen? When does your visa expire? Are you worried about being deported?
> You can get better advice on things if others fully understand your situation.
> 
> Your mom is no longer teaching your brother what? My suggestion, if you have a desire to stay here, I’d learn to assimilate to the culture you live in. That doesn’t mean forget your own. You can enjoy the good aspects of both.
> 
> Are YOU choosing to go to church on Sundays?
> 
> I mean to say that you can control you. You can’t control your mom. Learn ways to make your life better. Bloom where you’re planted.


I thought American was a mix of people with culture from everyone

I did not know she had to become a new person …. 
I do go to church, she doesn’t anymore and I’m allowed to take my brother out with her. She still says her phrases still but it’s almost as if it’s gone 

my mom is no longer Focusing on him. He is brown he has to know about our history, the language the people and I fear it will be pushed aside now

sorry


----------



## frusdil

Evinrude58 said:


> I only somewhat disagree. He lives with them and is an adult. If he is asking of the boys reasonable requests, He as the adult should be shown respect. They may not like sharing their mom with him, or their home, but the fact is they are. Ignoring him will be really poor decision making I think. The 17 yr old can choose to be the leader when he’s making his own way in life. The 10 year old is going yo have to obey the guy whether he likes it or not.
> Jmo.


I somewhat agree, respect yes, but that takes time. At this point, that man has NO business ordering either of the kids around, or coming in assuming a parental role. That takes time and trust.

But yes, both boys must treat him with respect (and there's nothing to say that they aren't), same as any other adult.


----------



## GG1061

ConanHub said:


> She should do that without moving a man in with her kids though.


Grow up? He’s seventeen for goodness sake! He only knows a certain cultural identity. That includes myths, beliefs, cuisine, holiday traditions and more that color his view of the world. This young boy sees the threat that his mother will change, and is now changing, to appease her lover minimizing the traditions he has grown up with. Furthermore, by admission, he has been racially/culturally insulated by no fault of his own. This isn’t like a Black, Asian, or White family moving in next door or several of these families moving into the neighborhood. His first experience with this is having this man in an intimate relationship with his mother in the house in which he lives.

Systemic racism by definition means all of us contribute to the ignorance including you. Telling him to grow up is a bit insensitive. Have a little more empathy for this abrupt change in his life.


----------



## EI

Evinrude58 said:


> *He as the adult should be shown respect. *


First, I want to preface my response by saying that I think you are giving this young man some excellent advice with regards to creating a better life and future for himself. As a mother, with four grown sons, I appreciate the time and effort you are putting into your heartfelt responses to him.

With that said, I have to say that I disagree with this one particular statement. The boyfriend is not entitled to respect simply by virtue of being an adult. There are a lot of _adults_ who are not worthy of respect. Respect is not an entitlement, it must be earned. A thoughtful, intelligent man would go out of his way to earn the trust and respect of the sons of a woman he is seriously involved with. A loving, compassionate, and selfless mother would insist upon it.

It would be different if this 17 y/o was an out of control rebel, who was getting into trouble, and his mother could not handle him. But, that certainly doesn’t appear to be the case here.

If new boyfriend wants to be respected as an authority figure, or as the man of the house, then he needs to first earn the trust of these two young men.


----------



## zx_why22

frusdil said:


> When the kids barely know him, yes it is.
> 
> Yes and then lets him stay in her home with her sons for 3 months!
> 
> Omfg Diana, NO COMPARISON! Aussie culture is based on British, lol.
> 
> 🤦‍♀️
> I'm so sorry sweetheart. At least tell your mum that you won't be letting him order you and your brother around. He has no right to do that, none at all. If you and your little brother were much younger, and after some time had passed where he had earned your trust, he could be a parent figure. You are 17, you have a dad, you don't need or want him to be that for you or your brother.


thank you for your comment I really cherish all this advice and stuff I feel like right now this is the only friend I have or help

he knows I will not let myself be told what to do but it feels like he is influencing her to make that change


----------



## ConanHub

Evinrude58 said:


> He lives with them and is an adult. If he is asking of the boys reasonable requests, He as the adult should be shown respect.


100% wrong on this one. Having sex with a woman doesn't entitle you to assume control of her children.

He doesn't pay a thing and hasn't taken the time and effort to at least see if he could be accepted.

He sticks his **** in a woman, moved in with her and started telling the kids what to do.

I swear if I was friends with this family I would have a "discussion" with this schmuck and he would gain wisdom.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

zx_why22 said:


> thank you for your comment I really cherish all this advice and stuff I feel like right now this is the only friend I have or help
> 
> he knows I will not let myself be told what to do but it feels like he is influencing her to make that change


If you don't know how to find the school counselor, ask the teacher to tell you how.


----------



## frusdil

zx_why22 said:


> thank you for your comment I really cherish all this advice and stuff I feel like right now this is the only friend I have or help
> 
> he knows I will not let myself be told what to do but it feels like he is influencing her to make that change


You're very welcome sweetie, I wish I could help more. 

Do speak to your school counsellor, even ask if you can make an appointment for you and your mum to speak with them together. Do NOT include the boyfriend, at this stage, this is none of his business. Just you and your mum - you can both tell each other how you're feeling, with someone else there who can help you both say it in a way the other won't feel picked on.

Your feelings are 100% normal, don't let anyone invalidate them. From reading your words, I really don't believe you want your mum to be unhappy, you just want things to slow down so that there's not so much change all at once. You will need to make adjustments too, but your mother should be listening to you and you should be able to have a private conversation with her without the boyfriend interfering.


----------



## EleGirl

@zx_why22 

How long have you been living in the US?

How long has it been since your parents separated and divorced?


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> No friend, but is more than just cooking. mom does not listen to her hymns, stopped teaching my brother about his blood,


What do you mean by "his blood"?



zx_why22 said:


> I was a worker in El Salvador and I was going to work with my dad but that did not happen.


What kind of work did you do in El Salvador?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean by "his blood"?
> 
> 
> What kind of work did you do in El Salvador?


i mean history, we have history dating back to the pipil people 

me and my father worked at the mercados we sold fruit, goods and his family made purses and stuff by hand - it was a way to make money. i helped get fruit and sell


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## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> i mean history, we have history dating back to the pipil people
> 
> me and my father worked at the mercados we sold fruit, goods and his family made purses and stuff by hand - it was a way to make money. i helped get fruit and sell


Why did your parents immigrate to the US?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> Why did your parents immigrate to the US?


my dad said the reason was for more money, and to be able to care of his family and hers with that and more opportunity

whenever they came he never felt welcome in the country neither did I


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> I did not know she had to become a new person ….


You mother did not have to change. She has chosen to change. It’s her choice.

Most people do change over the years of their life. Very often it’s because the world around them changes and they have to adapt to it.


zx_why22 said:


> I do go to church, she doesn’t anymore and I’m allowed to take my brother out with her. She still says her phrases still but it’s almost as if it’s gone
> 
> my mom is no longer Focusing on him. He is brown he has to know about our history, the language the people and I fear it will be pushed aside now


Doesn’t your mother still speak to him in your language? Do you speak to him in your language? Since you feel your mother is not doing enough here, can you do some to teach him?


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> my dad said the reason was for more money, and to be able to care of his family and hers with that and more opportunity
> 
> whenever they came he never felt welcome in the country neither did I


Isn't there a large Hispanic community where you live?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> You mother did not have to change. She has chosen to change. It’s her choice.
> 
> Most people do change over the years of their life. Very often it’s because the world around them changes and they have to adapt to it.
> 
> Doesn’t your mother still speak to him in your language? Do you speak to him in your language? Since you feel your mother is not doing enough here, can you do some to teach him?


he is learning more here than me his English is better, he doesn’t speak much Spanish besides basic words. I try to teach him about our stuff and he listens but I dont know if it stays

I know change happens and people move on but is not normal it feels like it is being taught by him and she is changing for him not for her I think


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> Isn't there a large Hispanic community where you live?


i wish but in my home now or city it is not much from our country. government did not give us a home near people


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> i wish but in my home now or city it is not much from our country. government did not give us a home near people


Do you mean the US government did not?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> Do you mean the US government did not?


I do not know I think it is state government that has helped me


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> i wish but in my home now or city it is not much from our country. government did not give us a home near people


you say that you are in an English as second language school. Surely there are kids your age there who are Hispanic.


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> I do not know I think it is state government that has helped me


How much does the government in El Salvador help people? Would your mother be able to we the financial support she and you children need there?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> How much does the government in El Salvador help people? Would your mother be able to we the financial support she and you children need there?


we live modest lives in El Salvador. We live connected we don’t separate and we all help one another. to be honest if we were in El Salvador I thinkmy Dad would still be with her. I did not hate my life there and my dad went back also because life was simple there


----------



## jlg07

zx_why22 said:


> and before anything else he came in and hugged her and started telling me to respect my mom and to give them a second. i instantly left the room and have alone in my room here since that happened.


What HE did here was WRONG - he interrupted YOU and your Mom talking. By asking you to leave and give them a second -- he willfully put himself between you and your Mom. This is REALLY manipulative, and worrisome.


----------



## EleGirl

@zx_why22

Sadly, what you are going through is not all that unusual. There are a lot of kids whose parents are divorced and then their parent starts a new relationship and brings that person into the family home. It's a huge adjustment for the children. 

A lot of people don't understand that most children see this as a huge intrusion in their lives and end up resenting their parent's (your mother's) new friend. This leads to a lot of problems as you are experiencing. 

Blending families should be done very thoughtfully, in a manner that helps the children adjust. Unfortunately, that's not the way it works in a lot of blended families. Most of the time, the parent thinks that because they are happy, their children will be too.

This problem happens in families where there is not a cultural difference. I'm sure it's even harder when there is a huge gap in the cultures that are blending.

You need a support system for yourself. You are clearly struggling here. Do you have any friends who you can talk to?

I wonder if there is any way for you to get some counseling from your school or through whatever health insurance your family has.


----------



## EleGirl

@zx_why22

You have not answered by question about how long you have been in the US. It seems like it's about 4-3 years at least. Is that right?

From all the writing you are doing here, your English is pretty good. You are clearly very intelligent. How are you doing in your classes? Has your schooling been remote or in the classroom over the past 2 years?

What do you think you would like to do as a job/career once you graduate high school?

Does your school have an education track where you could take classes at a community college or trade school? Here where I live a high school kid can choose to go to normal high school classes, or to trade school, or start college. While they are in high school this is all free. For example, one of my nieces went to the local community college on this program and when she graduated from high school, she also got a 2-year nursing degree. She started working at a local hospital right out of high school. Since then, she went on to finish her bachelor's degree in nursing.

My point is that it might do you a lot of good to start focusing more on yourself. What are your goals?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Since you go to church, you can also speak to your pastor or whoever they have doing counseling there.


----------



## ConanHub

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since you go to church, you can also speak to your pastor or whoever they have doing counseling there.


Mixed bag in churches but good suggestion.


----------



## pastasauce79

Diana7 said:


> There are many similarities with the relationship situation and ages of children etc.
> 
> Btw my husband is an immigrant. He is an Aussie and doesn't have a British passport. His wider family are all in Oz.


Well, the boy's situation is more like a person from Afghanistan moving to England. Can your husband relate to an immigrant from Afghanistan?


----------



## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> @zx_why22
> 
> You have not answered by question about how long you have been in the US. It seems like it's about 4-3 years at least. Is that right?
> 
> From all the writing you are doing here, your English is pretty good. You are clearly very intelligent. How are you doing in your classes? Has your schooling been remote or in the classroom over the past 2 years?
> 
> What do you think you would like to do as a job/career once you graduate high school?
> 
> Does your school have an education track where you could take classes at a community college or trade school? Here where I live a high school kid can choose to go to normal high school classes, or to trade school, or start college. While they are in high school this is all free. For example, one of my nieces went to the local community college on this program and when she graduated from high school, she also got a 2-year nursing degree. She started working at a local hospital right out of high school. Since then, she went on to finish her bachelor's degree in nursing.
> 
> My point is that it might do you a lot of good to start focusing more on yourself. What are your goals?


hello, it has been three years now yes, i still have trouble adjusting and I thank you for that 

my classes is alright it is special program for me, only one mexican friend and everyone else is from elsewhere

i do not know of any job or school after high school, i wanted to work with my dad but im not sure anymore 

i will ask tomorrow when I go back, i will need to ask because today nothing went well again


----------



## zx_why22

jlg07 said:


> What HE did here was WRONG - he interrupted YOU and your Mom talking. By asking you to leave and give them a second -- he willfully put himself between you and your Mom. This is REALLY manipulative, and worrisome.


i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


What do you mean that you don't know if you are welcome here anymore?


----------



## ConanHub

🤔


----------



## Livvie

zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


Maybe she is trying to learn English, which she should definitely do, if she plans on living in an English speaking country, and she probably wants to to do the same. The best way to learn is by immersing yourself in the new language while you are learning it. I married an immigrant and his family spoke, while he was growing up, and still speaks, English at home, too, to keep learning the language. If you want to be successful at work in the US being fluently bi lingual is important.


----------



## jlg07

zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


You are ABSOLUTELY welcome here -- why do you feel that you aren't?

Look, your Mom may be trying to change HER life to fit in better here in the states (I cannot say that with certainty though), so she may want to try to be more "American" (whatever that means). I'm not sure by what you mean "this man making her do things"?

Also, just be honest with her. Tell her you feel that she is pulling away from you, especially since she doesn't want to talk to you much anymore. Tell her you miss your time with just her sometimes. You can't have it all the time, but there should be occasions where just you and her can have some time together.

Honestly, YOU can still help your youngest brother learn about your culture and heritage.
YOU also need to assimilate a bit more into the U.S. so that you can do what you want as a career/job/life if you want to continue to live here. Let me be clear -- that does NOT MEAN that you should give up your culture AT ALL. I think you can celebrate your food, language, heritage, and also expand your life to include new things.

Certainly talk with your school counselor -- they can help you get other resources if you need it.


----------



## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me.


How is your mother speaking English her being ruined?

If a person from the US who only speaks English moves to El Salvador, they will have to learn to speak, read, and write in Spanish. That's how it works.

My mother's family immigrated to the US from Italy. When my mother was a child, she did not learn English until she started elementary school. Over time everyone in her family learned to speak English and it became the main language used in the family. None of them spoke English with Italina accents.

My mother's family fled Italy because at the time life there was hard. WWI was starting. There was political strife and a lot of poverty. They came here for a better life, and they found it. Sure, there were bumps, but it all ended up very good for them and the rest of us in the family.

When I was growing up, my parents made sure that we children were fluent in both English and Italian. We lived in Panama for about 7 years when I was a child. So, my parents also made sure that we also learned Spanish and the local customs. Basically, we spoke all 3 languages at home. After Panama we moved to East Africa for several years. We then learned the local language and customs.

One thing my mother did to learn English was to read books in English out loud, focusing on enunciation and no accent. She taught all of us children several languages. She did the same thing for us... had us read books out loud.

The fact that you are fluent in Spanish and are working to be fluent in English is a good thing. It will open up job opportunities for you. The same goes for your mother. You should be encouraging her to learn English. She needs to be able to speak, read, and write English. It will help her find employment. There are job openings that are looking for people who are fluent in both languages.


----------



## Evinrude58

zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


Crying all day is pretty dramatic. 
Saying this man is making your mom do things is dramatic. She’s CHOOSING to change.

Stop focusing on your mom and get your own life on track. You’re 17, not 10. There’s no reason at all for you to sit around moping about your mom when you could be researching a career you’re interested in and getting yourself ready to be in that career.

you keep saying over and over that you planned on working with your dad. You need new plans.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


Partner, you do have some growing up a bit to do. If this is how you deal with trials in life, you're going to be crying a lot. A whole lot.


----------



## RandomDude

WTF?! 
🤦‍♂️ Assimilation would be the &#^#$&^# last thing in my mind right now!!!!

Yeah I get it, he needs to be his own man now but more on empathy please, his mum just revealed where he stood in her list of priorities.



zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day and told my dad. this man is making her do things. i feel like this man has ruined her, she will not even explain or speak full spanish anymore with me. i think i need to tell the counsler but im not sure if I am welcome anymore here


What this man has done is not as relevant as what your mother is choosing to do right now. This is a crisis, she refuses to talk to you even when you are crying all day. You need to seek outside help, your father, your extended family, counselling, branch out and find all available options right now. Considering the rate of her neglect, you may also wish to be prepared in case you end up kicked out on the street, find friends (good loyal friends, you are in a vulnerable state - I recommend your church) for contingencies. 

I am sorry, but one thing others have mentioned is that you have to grow up now and be your own man, this is the only solution that isn't dependent on your mother, as it's obvious now you can no longer depend on her. Maybe in time she will learn and come to regret how she chose to neglect her sons, as mine did over the course of years, but right now, she's too far in the deep end and is wilfully blind to how she is affecting you. You will come out stronger, hang in there and find all the support you need.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

RandomDude said:


> WTF?!
> 🤦‍♂️ Assimilation would be the &#^#$&^# last thing in my mind right now!!!!
> 
> Yeah I get it, he needs to be his own man now but more on empathy please, his mum just revealed where he stood in her list of priorities.
> 
> 
> 
> What this man has done is not as relevant as what your mother is choosing to do right now. This is a crisis, she refuses to talk to you even when you are crying all day. You need to seek outside help, your father, your extended family, counselling, branch out and find all available options right now. Considering the rate of her neglect, you may also wish to be prepared in case you end up kicked out on the street, find friends (good loyal friends, you are in a vulnerable state - I recommend your church) for contingencies.
> 
> I am sorry, but one thing others have mentioned is that you have to grow up now and be your own man, this is the only solution that isn't dependent on your mother, as it's obvious now you can no longer depend on her. Maybe in time she will learn and come to regret how she chose to neglect her sons, as mine did over the course of years, but right now, she's too far in the deep end and is wilfully blind to how she is affecting you. You will come out stronger, hang in there and find all the support you need.


But stop spending a whole day crying. It doesn't help you or the situation.


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## RandomDude

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But stop spending a whole day crying. It doesn't help you or the situation.


He's 17 yrs old and his mother who was previously his best friend decided to invalidate him. He's entitled to mourn his loss like anyone else.

This is not something you keep in and freeze especially while OP is still growing and developing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

RandomDude said:


> He's 17 yrs old and his mother who was previously his best friend decided to invalidate him. He's entitled to mourn his loss like anyone else.
> 
> This is not something you keep in and freeze especially while OP is still growing and developing.


Are you saying spending a day crying is productive?
That's all I'm saying. And it's not like this situation is unique to human relationships. 

He's got to loosen up from Mom. Or go find a safe space, facetious a little, ok.


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## RandomDude

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you saying spending a day crying is productive?
> That's all I'm saying. And it's not like this situation is unique to human relationships.
> 
> He's got to loosen up from Mom. Or go find a safe space, facetious a little, ok.


Of course it is! What do you think mourning is supposed to do?

And he's already invalidated by his mum, who are we to invalidate his feelings too?


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## RandomDude

Hell I wish OP drags his mum in here but knowing how mad I am right now at her I'm gonna be banned after flooding the thread with explicits.


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## EleGirl

RandomDude said:


> Hell I wish OP drags his mum in here but knowing how mad I am right now at her I'm gonna be banned after flooding the thread with explicits.


Keep in mind that there are at least 2 sides to every story. I would love for his mother to post here. And if she does, you are right that if you don't treat her with respect... well you know.


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## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> i talked to my mom again and she did not want to talk to me unfortunately, i cried alot all day \


What did you say to your mom? And what were her responses?


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## Evinrude58

The only thing that fixes problems and makes a person happier and to have a good life, is to take whatever action they can to make their own life better.

OP, in truth you haven’t really stayed a single thing that your mom or her bf has done that is over the top. He asked for a minute alone with your mom when you were clearly emotionally charged. Nothing wrong with that.

You chose to disappear in your room all day.
Don’t think for one second that I’m saying this guy is some great guy, because he’s staying in your house all night and hasn’t married your mom— indicative of his values.

But your mom must have the same as his.

yes, you’re gonna have to deal with seeing your mom with a stranger, whether it’s this guy or another. How to cope with it? Well, getting your life on track. After next school year, what then? Determine that and taking steps to make it happen is on YOU, not your mom or dad. Lots of opportunities for a young man out there. You’re typing English great. So you’re not dumb. Every business wants to hire a hard working, intelligent young man with obvious life goals and one trying to learn some skills.

What are you doing to get out of your bind other than crying to your mom?
She’s not neglecting you so badly, I think. You have a room and a bad to retreat to, haven’t complained of hunger.

Yeah, she’s got her new dude on her mind. You can’t fix that. You can do you. Tell us some things you have in mind to improve your life?


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## zx_why22

well friends ive had a long week and i can say im still unhappy but i think im done, this man hates me and hes gotten my mom to turn on me 

mom has complely been brainwash by this man and im done, and my counsoler and school has been helping me find new job and stuff so thats good, all thanks to you all even if some of you dislike me.


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## Livvie

zx_why22 said:


> well friends ive had a long week and i can say im still unhappy but i think im done, this man hates me and hes gotten my mom to turn on me
> 
> mom has complely been brainwash by this man and im done, and my counsoler and school has been helping me find new job and stuff so thats good, all thanks to you all even if some of you dislike me.


In what way has she turned on you?

My child once said I ruined his life when I didn't let him go to a party, so it's helpful if you give more details.


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## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> Crying all day is pretty dramatic.
> Saying this man is making your mom do things is dramatic. She’s CHOOSING to change.
> 
> Stop focusing on your mom and get your own life on track. You’re 17, not 10. There’s no reason at all for you to sit around moping about your mom when you could be researching a career you’re interested in and getting yourself ready to be in that career.
> 
> you keep saying over and over that you planned on working with your dad. You need new plans.


hello, ive had a week to think about this and i have to say i do think its the forced not choosing, 

my mother was a christian woman, very traditional. never one day did i ever think her raising me very normally she would do all this, he has to be influencing her 

i spoke with my counsoler and i am getting help for job and future stuff, i was told they legally still have charge over me until i turn 18... and i just turned 17 about a month ago

i appreciate your help even if you dislike me, thank you.


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## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> What did you say to your mom? And what were her responses?


I told her "mama, por favor habla conmigo. Soy tu hijo, literalmente eres mi mejor amigo." 
and she just told me that she is not going to let herself be fooled, I recall her not being happy at all. she told me me and my dad can be together and she can do whatever "le de la regalada gana" 

I didn't come mad, i came friendly, i asked her friendly. she did not care. i know that man told her to not trust me. he's told me a bunch of things this week. ive done my best to ignore and follow your advice, but this is too much. my counselor is nice, she is from spain. just sad, no tears anymore, just sad and more angry


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## ConanHub

zx_why22 said:


> hello, ive had a week to think about this and i have to say i do think its the forced not choosing,
> 
> my mother was a christian woman, very traditional. never one day did i ever think her raising me very normally she would do all this, he has to be influencing her
> 
> i spoke with my counsoler and i am getting help for job and future stuff, i was told they legally still have charge over me until i turn 18... and i just turned 17 about a month ago
> 
> i appreciate your help even if you dislike me, thank you.


Your mom has some say over you though that is limited at your age. Her boyfriend has no legal claim or authority over you and never can at your age even if he married your mom.

Keep your head up and tell your mom to keep her boyfriend away from you unless she wants to see you call the authorities on him.

Your mom can have a roommate but that roommate has to leave you alone if you want nothing to do with them.


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## zx_why22

EleGirl said:


> How is your mother speaking English her being ruined?
> 
> If a person from the US who only speaks English moves to El Salvador, they will have to learn to speak, read, and write in Spanish. That's how it works.
> 
> My mother's family immigrated to the US from Italy. When my mother was a child, she did not learn English until she started elementary school. Over time everyone in her family learned to speak English and it became the main language used in the family. None of them spoke English with Italina accents.
> 
> My mother's family fled Italy because at the time life there was hard. WWI was starting. There was political strife and a lot of poverty. They came here for a better life, and they found it. Sure, there were bumps, but it all ended up very good for them and the rest of us in the family.
> 
> When I was growing up, my parents made sure that we children were fluent in both English and Italian. We lived in Panama for about 7 years when I was a child. So, my parents also made sure that we also learned Spanish and the local customs. Basically, we spoke all 3 languages at home. After Panama we moved to East Africa for several years. We then learned the local language and customs.
> 
> One thing my mother did to learn English was to read books in English out loud, focusing on enunciation and no accent. She taught all of us children several languages. She did the same thing for us... had us read books out loud.
> 
> The fact that you are fluent in Spanish and are working to be fluent in English is a good thing. It will open up job opportunities for you. The same goes for your mother. You should be encouraging her to learn English. She needs to be able to speak, read, and write English. It will help her find employment. There are job openings that are looking for people who are fluent in both languages.



thank you for this i am working on myself now, i am disappointed but my counsoler has helped me alot she understands me and we are getting help to better my job and future.

i am glad she is learning english i am not glad i feel he does not want her to speak spanish anymore, its not a normal thing anymore here. 

you have been helpful friend


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## Evinrude58

Great that you’re getting your mind on building your own happy life. Dwelling on areas you can’t control is wasted energy.

you give few details on the things the boyfriend tells you.


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## zx_why22

Evinrude58 said:


> Great that you’re getting your mind on building your own happy life. Dwelling on areas you can’t control is wasted energy.
> 
> you give few details on the things the boyfriend tells you.


he has been telling me to get over the fact my mom likes him, telling me that if he had a son with her he wouldnt let me be this way, and that in his house this wouldnt be allowed

the one thing that really angered me, is when he disrespected my father... to say that a brother is the only person who can make her happy really angered me. my mom and dad despite them divorce, had good years together. had two kids. that really angered me. unfortunately i cant do much but ignore it but it has really been in my head


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## zx_why22

ConanHub said:


> Your mom has some say over you though that is limited at your age. Her boyfriend has no legal claim or authority over you and never can at your age even if he married your mom.
> 
> Keep your head up and tell your mom to keep her boyfriend away from you unless she wants to see you call the authorities on him.
> 
> Your mom can have a roommate but that roommate has to leave you alone if you want nothing to do with them.


thank you for being one of the few people who understand me friend, i am taking all of your advice the counsoler and defending myself, you are a good person and everyone here also 

unfortunately i feel as if hes getting ready to move her, this week was the first week where she started throwing out old clothes and items.

i think he lives in baltimore, that is very far from here, i asked my counsoler what do do he said maybe stay at a family member, my dad said my aunt lives in california. i cant get there.


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## zx_why22

Livvie said:


> In what way has she turned on you?
> 
> My child once said I ruined his life when I didn't let him go to a party, so it's helpful if you give more details.


hello 

she does not want to speak with me anymore, we do not have our old daily talks we used to have. she is very defensive over this and is taking his side or letting him tell her stuff


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## EleGirl

zx_why22 said:


> hello
> 
> she does not want to speak with me anymore, we do not have our old daily talks we used to have. she is very defensive over this and is taking his side or letting him tell her stuff


If you want to get through to your mother, you need to back off on the criticism. I'm not saying that you are wrong in being concerned. I'm saying that a lot of people put up a wall when someone criticizes them.

My suggestion is that for now you stop trying to tell her that she's wrong, that you are concerned, etc. Instead, just talk about anything but her relationship, that she's changing, etc.

Maybe what you could do is to focus on your future. Look into the school programs that are open to you. And talk to her about that. What career do you want to do?

Find things to do that help you connect with kids your own age and that keep you busy and learning. Is there a drama club in your school? If there is, maybe you could join it and start acting, or creating sets, or other things that they need. For example, when I was in high school, I worked with a small group of other kids to build the sets for plays. It was a lot of fun and it just felt good to build something that everyone liked and that served a purpose.

Or you could get a job. There are all sorts of places trying to hire right now.

Then, when you start getting your own life, talk to your mom about that. That way you keep communications open with her. And if, at some point, she comes to think that she does have a problem, she will feel that she can talk to you.


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