# Confused



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have been dating a man for two years. He has been married once, divorce now for 13 years. I have been married twice, divorced for 19 years. I have had a couple of long term relationships that didn’t work. 

I told my boyfriend that after two years he couldn’t commit to a relationship that would more forward I would have to rethink where we stood. After the 2 year mark hit I tried to talk to him and he said he wasn’t sure if he would ever be ready for marriage 5, 10, or 20 years. He said loved me but if I wanted more he would break up now. To say the least I was heartbroken . I haven’t stopped seeing him at this point.

We went to a wedding yesterday. I was talking with the secretary in his office and found out that they have been going out to lunch at least once a week for a long time. She stated she was not interested in him that way. I find it strange that he never told me about the lunches.

I am having a real battle with my emotions because I love him. Stay where he has placed me in his life or move on. I have had a chance to meet another man but I keep holding back in hopes that “he” will realize we are really good together.

I hate that all of this has come to a boiling point when I am still dealing with my mothers death. I feel this makes me not have a clear thinking pattern.

I am 54 years old, do I settle for what he can give? Do I go ahead and meet this other man? Do I just become celibate and leave relationships alone? (Yes that was said with a little sarcasm)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated..... as I am truly at odds with my emotions.
T




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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Only you can decide that. I think you should look at it for what it is. I think if you think about staying you should assume this is what it will be. However you may find better with someone else. What is probably not a good idea is to break up and then go to weddings and dates. That just sounds like it will lead to pain. Also if you stay in this situation he definitely won't change why should he? Where you are right now is exactly where he wants to be.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

See other men. Yes...time to move on. No doubt about it love. You can do it 


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I haven’t broken it off yet but yes you are right, there will no longer be any dating or seeing each other. My stomach is in knots and I am sad. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry. Remember though sometimes you need to end things to make room for other things. In life everything ends eventually. All of US will end one day. That really is the nature of life.

You still have beginnings ahead of you though.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

The writing is on the wall if you think he's an honest man. 

You did say that you feel as if you're not thinking clearly right now due to your Mother's death so perhaps...slow down? Why make a decision right this second? Can you gain anything for yourself if you wait just a bit longer until you feel stronger and still be with him for the friendship in this time of need?

All that being said, I wouldn't make any future plans around a man that flat out told me not to. 

This other man you wrote about meeting, what is the circumstance of that? Friend of a friend? Someone from your past? Are you excited about the idea of meeting someone new or does that scare you on some level? Are those feelings great enough to sway your decision about the two year guy?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your wants are left wanting.
You want exclusivity.

He wants exclusivity but no marriage.

He does not have enough trust:
In you.
In himself.
In the workings of the law.
In the nature of Fate.

He keeps a pair of running shoes in his closet.
They are brand new, never worn.
He opens that box, on occasion, to hold them and dust them off.

He is not going to pound the pavement or the track with them.
He is going to pound feet down the street.

Pound his feet down the street when:
When you change a flicker more than his flubber can tolerate.
When you start making demands on him that he wants no part of.

He wants:
Your commitment.
Your warm loving body.
You on his arm when he goes places.

He 'seems' to know you, know women.
He holds women in a bad light.

Women are handy to have around.
Until they get pushy, demanding and uppity.

He wants a 'light weight' relationship with a full bodied loving women.
Uh, that's you, Kid.

Date the other guy. Be upfront about your current relationship. You are not married, are not engaged. Let the new guy see the best side of you.
Do not speak one word about your LTR man.
Show not an ounce of negativity about anything.

The new guy, he may be a dud. Then the heat is off. 

And a good one did not get away.
And you will know this fact, and not fret over 'what if's'.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

The person is just a friend right now but would like it if we could date. I am scared to death to start something new. My current boyfriend has asked me to move in with him. I think he knows deep in my heart I won’t do it because I am now left to watch over my father. We own a duplex together so I could be close to both my parents. Now with Mom gone, Dad really needs me and I can’t turn my back on him right now. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My sister in law left her partner a few years ago. They had been living together for a while but he refused to marry her so she made the sad decision to leave. She was about your age. 

Its also not very good that he has been having lunch every week with another woman and has said nothing.

I think you need to move on, if he doesn't know after 2 years he never will.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your greatest enemy is Time.
Your greatest friend is TBD.
To be determined.

Keep one hand in the cookie jar.
And one hand on the Sail.

Without the Sail you are lost.
Without the Sail you are dead in the water.

No water to drink.
No Drink to flow you home.

To Sail you to peaceful sleep.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A man who says, "I love you".

Is either smitten, a love sick hound.
Whose very bones ache when you are not around.

Or he is a Liar and a Staller.
Stalling for time, pulling the soft wool over your sexy belly on the way to your loving eyes.

Sorry, he loves himself.
Way too much.

Else?
He would bend over backwards until his forehead touched pavement.
Doing flips for you. His heart racing when you enter the door, waiting for you to come into the view.

Oh, I did that as Red Dog.
A dog learns these things, these tricks from his master.

Your man?
His forehead never leaves his sight, in his complementing mirror.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomara said:


> The person is just a friend right now but would like it if we could date. I am scared to death to start something new. My current boyfriend has asked me to move in with him. I think he knows deep in my heart I won’t do it because I am now left to watch over my father. We own a duplex together so I could be close to both my parents. Now with Mom gone, Dad really needs me and I can’t turn my back on him right now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This confuses me, how would you get married then? Sounds like you are saying he asked you to move in with him because he knows you would say no. Yet how would he marry you?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

~sokillme
I guess I could say if he really want the commitment he could always move in with me. Its a two way street and looks like I am on a one way street.

I don’t have to get married tomorrow nor do I want to but I did want to hear that this would be something we were working toward. Sadly he is not wanting to do the work, just here for the perks!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomara said:


> ~sokillme
> I guess I could say if he really want the commitment he could always move in with me. Its a two way street and looks like I am on a one way street.
> 
> I don’t have to get married tomorrow nor do I want to but I did want to hear that this would be something we were working toward. Sadly he is not wanting to do the work, just here for the perks!
> ...


OK but asking you to move in with him is not nothing. Maybe he just don't want to do the contract. There are lots of guys on here who have been burned financially and are not big on the contract. 

Did you ask him to move in with you?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Yes..... I have told him I would sign a prenup, I don’t want what is his and I don’t want him to have what is mine. That come from both of us being burned and having paid the price.

Maybe this is where my thoughts of my mother comes in. I believe in marriage, best friends, and I will never see a 58 wedding anniversary. I want what my parents have.... I saw true love ❤.

Who doesn’t want that?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tomara said:


> Yes..... I have told him I would sign a prenup, I don’t want what is his and I don’t want him to have what is mine. That come from both of us being burned and having paid the price.
> 
> Maybe this is where my thoughts of my mother comes in. I believe in marriage, best friends, and I will never see a 58 wedding anniversary. I want what my parents have.... I saw true love ❤.
> 
> ...


What was he answer when you asked him to move in?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

No he has to many obligations with work, Farm, his parents. The more I think about the lunches with the other woman the more ticked I get. Omission is still lying.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Tomara said:


> No he has to many obligations with work, Farm, his parents. The more I think about the lunches with the other woman the more ticked I get. Omission is still lying.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Are these lunches business related? 

Even if they are.... I agree, you should have been told.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tomara said:


> No he has to many obligations with work, Farm, his parents. The more I think about the lunches with the other woman the more ticked I get. Omission is still lying.


This guy's got an excuse for everything doesn't he? I'm sure he _would_ like a full time housekeeper and someone to split the bills with him with no legal commitments. He sounds like a complete selfish ass-hole who would have no problem getting what he could from you by having you move in - while he *continues* to shop for the bigger, better deal.

Screw him. He's a complete waste of your time.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

At this stage of life why do you need to be married? You have both been married before so do you not see the folly in it? I will never marry again until just before my death for benefits purposes yet I am in a LTR and will likely stay until my end of days. I have much to give and so does she. Just have no need for the institution. Marriage can make many people complacent.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Betrayedone said:


> At this stage of life why do you need to be married? You have both been married before so do you not see the folly in it? I will never marry again until just before my death for benefits purposes yet I am in a LTR and will likely stay until my end of days. I have much to give and so does she. Just have no need for the institution. Marriage can make many people complacent.


There are many people who value marriage. I know if many people in their 50s and 60s and beyond who marry.

Maybe the OP doesn't want to be just a "girlfriend" for the rest of her life. Maybe she wants to be a wife and have a husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tomara said:


> Yes..... I have told him I would sign a prenup, I don’t want what is his and I don’t want him to have what is mine. That come from both of us being burned and having paid the price.
> 
> Maybe this is where my thoughts of my mother comes in. I believe in marriage, best friends, and I will never see a 58 wedding anniversary. I want what my parents have.... I saw true love ❤.
> 
> ...


Your' pre-nup offer is the pinching clincher for me.
He is not interested in forever, only in 'for me'.

For him.

He is borrowing you, your' youth.
When the Knave uses it up, he is gone, what is jaded, that is Couth.

Let no human get the best years out of you.
Save those for worthy souls, generous souls, sharing souls, marrying, too.

Just Sayin'


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's the thing.

Men have this fear in mind.
As long as two are single.

As long as two parties are single they will double-down on politeness.
The ugly side will remain hidden.

It's the ring, the ring.
That fore-ordinates the marriage, releases the beast within.

The ring to him and other men, is not on the finger, it is so placed, in the nose.

By being ringless, he controls his own destiny....one at your expense.

Just Sayin'

Repetitiously.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Livvie said:


> There are many people who value marriage. I know if many people in their 50s and 60s and beyond who marry.
> 
> Maybe the OP doesn't want to be just a "girlfriend" for the rest of her life. Maybe she wants to be a wife and have a husband.


We greatly value marriage. We married age 48 and 49, both had long first marriages, both badly hurt, but I would never live with a man unless we got married. I wouldn't waste my time on a man like the one the OP is dating who is afraid of any commitment and thinks so little of her.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

~SunCMars
I am listening to what you are saying so it isn’t “repetitiously” being ignored. God knows I don’t look at marriage as putting a ring in his nose. I believe in marriage and the only thing that killed my long term marriage was his cheating. 

I am listening to everyone that is providing me with advise. I believe that I just need to tell him that with the knowledge the office secretary supplied about their lunches, which is not business, I need to take a break. Take time to decide how I see the rest of my life playing out.

Am I very sad  oh hell yes. 


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Quick question to clear confusion.... is he not committing to me when we date exclusively and he states he can’t see dating anyone else? Or is the horse **** lip service?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Tomara said:


> ... is he not committing to me when we date exclusively and he states he can’t see dating anyone else? Or is the horse **** lip service?


I don't think anyone can answer that question but you. After all, we don't even know him. It sounds like you know him well, but are doubting yourself; thus, you are here posing questions.

So what say you? Is he b.s.'ing you or not? Only you can assess that. Are his motives in only HIS best interests, or is he taking you into account as well?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I have decide a talk is due and it will happen tonight. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with lunches with the other woman, he will be having dinner with her too! He was quick to say good bye two weeks ago when I brought up moving the relationship forward.... his cheezy excuse, he didn’t want me to be unhappy. Maybe the other person is his reason for staying put and having both worlds. I can’t be that person that waits on the side even if this will hurt.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Well I was able to bring up the lunch date and how I didn’t appreciate it. He said it wouldn’t happen again and thought we had discuss this. Nope..... told him whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Next comes the full relationship. That will not go well


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why did your other two marriages end?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tomara said:


> Quick question to clear confusion.... is he not committing to me when we date exclusively and he states he can’t see dating anyone else? Or is the horse **** lip service?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well its a sort of commitment, but it depends on the one saying it. He seems to have a commitment aversion and in a way you are enabling that by staying with him.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why did your other two marriages end?




Infidelity. Not by me and all of it was very ugly. I am amazed that I am not the one with commitment issues. Some of my posts on here have been defensive but over the last year I have lost any anger I had because I learned it wasn’t about me but about them....so I let the “ugly beast” go. It’s been a hard three months for me with my mother passing and not having a good sounding board anymore. That is why I am posting on TAM.... need that opposite feedback.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then I have two thoughts. One is that there's a possibility that your picker is messed up; that you're drawn to people who are selfish or are users. Therapy could help you figure that out. There's an amazing book called Getting The Love You Want, by Hendrix, that explains how we select partners based on our level of dysfunction in FOO. I highly recommend reading it before you date anyone else. Really opens your eyes. 

The other thought is that it's possible that you're not 'educated' in relationship 101, i.e., how to prep a relationship so that it's more affair-proof. Now I don't know anything about your former husbands; most likely they were just jerks and cheated because they wanted to. But there's always the chance that they were simply unhappy in their marriage and became vulnerable to an affair; that's usually how affairs happen, unless the guy is just a serial cheater (I know many of those men) and screws anyone who'll let him.

Now I'm not saying this to dis you, but rather to help you have better relationships in the future. Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? That's a must. It's a very logical, accurate portrayal of what a healthy relationship looks like. It's basic psychology, which is why I like it so much - you can't escape basic psychology; we all do it. It'll all make so much more sense, once you read it. And it'll help you stop BAD relationships before you get too entrenched in them.


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