# Courage



## JoJo74 (Apr 17, 2017)

Hi Ladies,

I guess im here because im looking for some honest advice. Please take the time to read myn little situation below.

So Ive been married 23 years this August, Married when I was 20, first child and 22, second at 25. My eldest has moved out of home and lives 1.5hrs away and doing well. My youngest still lives at home and has just started University. 
My marriage is at an end...... Im one of those lucky women you hear about that have a great husband, always worked hard, never raised his voice and has always treated me kindly. 
My husband and I have over the years developed a relationship which has me doing everything... please do not see this as me winging that he doesnt do the dishes... he does and thats not what this is about. I decide everything, from money , to when the car gets serviced, to whats for dinner, to what are we doing today....everything you can imagine small or large I decide. And dont get me wrong I always encourage his input, thoughts, ideas but all i get is what ever you think darl, or agreeing with what ive just said..always ! 
Just because my kids are older doesnt make this any easier, in some ways i think its harder because they understand and can see the hurt im causing.
Over the last year i have come to the realization that i am so incredibly lonely that it physically hurts me. My husband just cant communicate with me,,, Ive spoken to him about this and my concerns several times now we have even tried marriage counciling. Unless i bring up the subject of our failing marriage it never gets spoken about.
All you do when youre in this situation is think about it... try to justify what youre feeling, saying and doing. 
I have spoken to my children about our problems and they have both been very mature and understanding.
But I still carry so much guilt with what im doing to them, there are so many consequences for my decisions. 
I am currently sleeping in the spare room as I cant afford to move out and i really needed myn husband to understand how serious this was.

Im currently working up the courage to tell him that Im ending our marriage.... any advice would be appreciated, sorry ive rambled so much


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

My guess is that he did hear you but that he doesn't have a clue of what to do about it. A question though, could your current psychological state of mind be related to empty nest?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If I were ever in this place. I would be honest. I would do it with the least amount of humiliation possible. And truth be told it will be hard and painful for him. The humane thing to do is understand that and have sympathy for that. That means respect the life you built and honor him for that. After all this man is the father of your kids. 

You have a job right an are able to support yourself? It is terribly unfair to expect him to support you while you go out on dates to try to fall in love with someone else. Splitting assets is one thing, him supporting your dating lifestyle is an abomination. If you can't then fix that before you do anything. That is the least you can do. Financial ties should end with the divorce, unless you are talking about children. Since both your kids are adults I doubt this will matter. If you can't support yourself you don't deserve to be on your own, at least until you can. 

Next I would wait until the divorces is final to date anyone. I would also not make a show of dating at first around him. Meaning it should probably be a good year or two before you and your boyfriend show up at the grand kid's picnic, at least if he is there. That changes if he is dating and you both have someone new. But ending it an a month later showing up with your boyfriend is unnecessarily cruel and will hurt you kids as well. Even your kids will need some time to get used to the new dynamic. 

I would also cut daily contact, so that he doesn't get his hopes up. Even if he tries to contact you. Meaning only family things that you have to be together at. Even if it at times is hard for you, and it may be because you have lived with this man most of your life. Finally if you are going to do this, do it forever. No going out and playing the field for a year, find out that most guys out there want sex, decide you made a mistake and run back to you grieving husband. That's not fair. You relationship will only be worse at that point. 

Also understand the grass is not always greener. It may be, but it very well may not be. There is the possibility that you are making a big mistake if you are you must live with it. That is the trade off you pay for braking your vow.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The main thing is to make a financial plan. You will surely get alimony, but you will need a job, too. Any plan on that front?

It sounds like your husband just cannot meet your needs. He sounds passive. What a libido killer. 

But if he cannot change, and you cannot accept him the way he is, then leaving him might be the best thing for both of you.

Sorry you are so lonely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> The main thing is to make a financial plan. You will surely get alimony


If she has made more then him he may get it. If they made similar no one will. The laws are changing which is only fair when both parties are working.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sokillme said:


> If she has made more then him he may get it. If they made similar no one will. The laws are changing which is only fair when both parties are working.


She said she can't afford to move out. To me that says she does not make much money. He probably makes more.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> She said she can't afford to move out. To me that says she does not make much money. He probably makes more.


I see it now.

That needs to be a part of the plan then. It's terribly unfair to expect you ex to supplement your dating life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sokillme said:


> I see it now.
> 
> That needs to be a part of the plan then. It's terribly unfair to expect you ex to supplement your dating life.


She mentioned NOTHING about dating. 

JoJo, the most important thing right now is to get yourself in a financial postion to sustain yourself. Are you currently in a full time job? If you separating into another room does not drive your point home to your H, then he is NEVER going to get it, sad to say. I'm sorry you are in this position, realizing you want out is a tough thing to come to terms with.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think the OP is giving up way too fast. Make him make decisions, say to him that he is in charge and don't jump in the make the call, make him do it. There's way too many things going right in this marriage to end for this reason. I see this as very fixable.


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