# Tension in the House



## Jkae (Jul 11, 2018)

This is my first post on any kind of forum, but I feel like I need to get help with my family. My wife and step-son (her son before I met her) have been creating so much tension in our home. My ss is 13 years old, is diabetic and has a mood disorder. He is extremely irresponsible, constantly inappropriate and doesn't think about anyone but himself. Some of his issues are from his disorder, but some are because he is now a teenage boy pushing the limits. He pushes back when addressed for behaviors when he use to just accept what we were saying. I understand this is a normal stage of the teenage years. But my wife does not handle this well, as it seems to go back and forth until there is yelling and stomping away. I usually am the one who goes to talk to our son to talk it out, as his disorder makes it hard for him to let go of the anger.
Well, tonight was another time where he was angry for being yelled at. So, he came to me and expressed his feelings appropriately (without yelling or being mean) about my wife. He said he felt like my wife is only pointing out what he does wrong, and never gives him positive feedback. Specifically, she never tells him he does a good job anymore. And that she never spends anytime with him or does something with just him. We have four kids, two of which are under 2 years old. I could see how upset he was, so I gave him a hug and he started crying. I told him I would talk to his mom about his feelings. I don't take sides, I try to listen and help him work through his anger, and I always address his part in the situation, as he needs to understand we all have a responsibility in arguments. So, I spoke to my wife and she completely flipped out. She said I was just telling her another thing she isn't doing and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty about this, she works full-time and constantly does everything for her kids. I tried to explain that he is just looking for a little one on one time. But she wouldn't hear it and is now mad at me for accusing her of not doing enough. I don't know what else to do, I just want to avoid conflict and have a peaceful home. Well, as much as I can with teenagers and toddlers.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

That one-on-one time you're telling your wife to take with her son? Did you, in the same breath, volunteer to take the other children and the house during that time so that could actually happen? If not, your wife may feel like you've just piled on yet another chore for her to take care of. She's already apparently overwhelmed with working full time and caring for the children. And now she feels like you're criticizing her for not spending more time she doesn't really have with a child she already probably feels immense guilt - and immense frustration - over. No matter what you said, what she heard was _"You're not doing enough. Your absolute dead level best effort to keep everything running, just is not enough. And because you're not enough, your son's behavior is your fault. Try to suck less as a parent."_ 

How much of the childcare do you manage? Not how many specific tasks do you do when she asks you to or when you remember, but how much of it do you actually own as your personal responsibility and take care of without her direction? How much of the housework do you similarly handle? If the answer to both questions is not a firm 50%, then I suggest you find ways to help your wife that don't involve giving her more work assignments. Pointing out where someone who's already overwhelmed is falling short is seldom helpful and is likely to result in building resentment. Instead, try to work with her to find ways to balance work and home life so that she feels less overwhelmed. 

And if one-on-one time with her son is a priority, start by arranging a mom-son "date" out of the house so they can spend some time together doing something fun. Don't tell her _she_ needs to arrange it, don't make her responsible for finding someone to watch the other children so it can happen. You take the initiative and handle all the arrangements for it, so that all she needs to do is walk out of the house for an afternoon out with her son knowing you've got everything else covered.


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## Jkae (Jul 11, 2018)

I completely understand her being overwhelmed, and understand her initial reaction of being defensive. But the household and the children are never on her to solely handle. Since the babies have been born, I work part-time so I can be the main caretaker for our children. And this summer I have been the only one to organize activities for the teenagers. I even volunteer with our oldest son (the one from the original post). She would never need to figure out childcare for the other kids if she were to spend time with ss, as I would be home with them.

I will try to organize the activity so she feels less pressure to figure it out. But it is frustrating to have to force someone to spend time with their own children. And makes me nervous for the babies we've had together.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Some aspect of your lives is leaving your wife feeling overwhelmed, defensive, resentful. Is she the main breadwinner and is finding the pressure too much? Is it possible she would prefer to stay at home rather than work outside the home? Could she envy your staying home or feel like less of a good mother already because she's not the one at home with them? Unless she's suffering from some emotional or mental ill, or is just a raging *****, there's a real reason she's overwhelmed. Might a MC be able to help you two sort things out so that you can both discover what the issue is? 

Oh, and the tween and teen years can be _tough_, even when there are no blended families or mood disorders to complicate things. A family therapist might not be amiss, if that's not already in play.


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