# Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson Questions



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Hi I have another thread going below but wanted to keep this separate for some feedback.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html 

During MC last night it was discussed my inability to effectively show emotion has caused my W or STBXW to feel unloved and lonely and to detach from me, I do have a lot of feelings but maybe don't always show them in a way that she wanted. I was told that I am a fixer and I need to not try and fix everything all the time and sometimes just listen.

He recommend I read a book called Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson, has anyone read this book and did you get anything out of it? Also any other recommendations for books which have resonated well would be appreciated.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I haven't read it, but it has really great reviews on Amazon. I would say, give it a try.

(In)effectively showing emotions can be a huge roadblock in relationships, and it's about communication. My guy, if he's especially stressed or upset emotionally about something (upset not including pissed off--if he's pissed off about something, I hear about it)--for example, if he's scared about his sister being in the hospital again or his dog not recovering well/fast enough from surgery, he won't tell me. He won't talk about it because talking about something like that brings up other bad feelings, like feeling ineffectual, because he can't do anything about it. Talking about it makes him feel worse. And he will start pulling away and not be as available because he is pre-occupied with this thing that he won't talk to me about, that I may not even realize what is happening. The last time he did this, it ended up in a big fight, because I felt like I was the last priority for him and he wasn't making time for me after we had just spent a week and a half apart, plus limited time together before that due to his dog's illness... I was feeling hurt because I wasn't getting the attention that I needed after being apart for so long, and he was feeling overwhelmed with everything going on. I could have been more empathetic to his needs in that moment... if he had just communicated to me what was going on and that he felt overwhelmed. Instead, it turned into a huge fight over expectations and the future of our relationship. 

Communication is key.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MovingForward said:


> Hi I have another thread going below but wanted to keep this separate for some feedback.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I got the book from Amazon months ago. I haven't read it yet because life happened. It was recommended by a TAM veteran that I respected. That was enough for me to buy it. Maybe I'll read it this weekend.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> I haven't read it, but it has really great reviews on Amazon. I would say, give it a try.
> 
> (In)effectively showing emotions can be a huge roadblock in relationships, and it's about communication. My guy, if he's especially stressed or upset emotionally about something (upset not including pissed off--if he's pissed off about something, I hear about it)--for example, if he's scared about his sister being in the hospital again or his dog not recovering well/fast enough from surgery, he won't tell me. He won't talk about it because talking about something like that brings up other bad feelings, like feeling ineffectual, because he can't do anything about it. Talking about it makes him feel worse. And he will start pulling away and not be as available because he is pre-occupied with this thing that he won't talk to me about, that I may not even realize what is happening. The last time he did this, it ended up in a big fight, because I felt like I was the last priority for him and he wasn't making time for me after we had just spent a week and a half apart, plus limited time together before that due to his dog's illness... I was feeling hurt because I wasn't getting the attention that I needed after being apart for so long, and he was feeling overwhelmed with everything going on. I could have been more empathetic to his needs in that moment... if he had just communicated to me what was going on and that he felt overwhelmed. Instead, it turned into a huge fight over expectations and the future of our relationship.
> 
> Communication is key.


I ordered it and the 2 books from womensinfidelity figured I suck at being a partner so I can work on being successful in future or with current W if we end up staying together.

I admit I do and have always had an issue opening up and letting people in, I like to help people and do things for people but to be someones emotional support I have no idea where to start or what to do, hopefully more MC/IC and plenty of reading and practice i will be ready.:grin2:


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> I got the book from Amazon months ago. I haven't read it yet because life happened. It was recommended by a TAM veteran that I respected. That was enough for me to buy it. Maybe I'll read it this weekend.


I should get mine in the week and intend on starting to read right away so will let you know.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MovingForward said:


> I ordered it and the 2 books from womensinfidelity figured I suck at being a partner so I can work on being successful in future or with current W if we end up staying together.
> 
> I admit I do and have always had an issue opening up and letting people in, I like to help people and do things for people but to be someones emotional support I have no idea where to start or what to do, hopefully more MC/IC and plenty of reading and practice i will be ready.:grin2:


Being someone else's emotional support is pretty easy. You let them talk about their stuff; don't offer solutions or say "What you gotta do is..." but instead empathize. Whatever your version of "that really sucks and I understand how you feel, your feelings are completely legitimate" is, say that. Rinse and repeat until the other person feels better. Sometimes it can be more complicated, but that's basically it.

I think what your wife was saying about you not being open emotionally is that she wants to be YOUR emotional support, but it probably feels like you don't want that from her because you don't open up readily, and to her that feels like you're shutting her out.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Being someone else's emotional support is pretty easy. You let them talk about their stuff; don't offer solutions or say "What you gotta do is..." but instead empathize. Whatever your version of "that really sucks and I understand how you feel, your feelings are completely legitimate" is, say that. Rinse and repeat until the other person feels better. Sometimes it can be more complicated, but that's basically it.


That sounds really simple :scratchhead: I generally try and do something which is why I was referred to as a "fixer' and is apparently the wrong way to go about it.



FeministInPink said:


> I think what your wife was saying about you not being open emotionally is that she wants to be YOUR emotional support, but it probably feels like you don't want that from her because you don't open up readily, and to her that feels like you're shutting her out.


Yes this is mostly what she told MC and me although there was some of the above also. I told the MC last night its weird I cannot explain it I want to open up but I can't and I do not know why. Also never really thought that not sharing problems could be an issue.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

To me, MC is a speed bump on the way to divorce. A friend of mine was a MC and his wife divorced him to be with the man she had been cheating with for a few years. So much for that. I believe that adults rarely can change who they are. You are a fixer and you can read all you want but you will still be a fixer. MC often will convince you to act as someone you are not to save the marriage, but after a while you cannot hold back the true you to be happy. If you think you can change who you are by reading a book, go ahead, it cannot hurt. If only it were that easy, but I do wish you luck. 

I am married 44+ years. Loving each other has enabled us to consider the wants and needs of each other and accept who they are. I often wonder how strong love can be with couples in trouble. I always thought that love conquers all but after joining this website, apparently not. I was engaged to my wife three weeks after we met. It was love at first sight literally. I could never change who I am. I am an alpha male who needs to be in charge. I married a woman who wanted a man like me. Says I make her feel safe and protected. I think the problems that many married people have are due to love blinding them to each other's faults during the courtship or thinking they can change them after they are married. Then again what do I know. Do what you feel is best. It is easy to give advice when you do not have to suffer the consequences so take what I say as just my opinion. Feel free to ignore me. Give this a quick read. Interesting about the cycle of love and marriage. 

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MovingForward said:


> Hi I have another thread going below but wanted to keep this separate for some feedback.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html
> 
> ...


Don't know the book but it sounds great.

I feel for you because men and women seem to be wired very differently in this area. Men by nature want to "fix" problems, but when women talk about their problems, at that moment, they want to be heard and understood. They feel connected to you when they feel like you feel their pain and understand their frustration. As a woman, it is frustrating and disappointing to me when I tell my husband about a problem and he immediately jumps in with ideas to solve it. I know he's trying to help, but I feel like he is saying "your issue is no big deal, just do xyz, now can we talk about something interesting, or better yet, not talk anymore at all?"

I heard a speaker once say there are three things every man needs to learn to say. I was sitting beside my husband and before he said what they were I leaned over and whispered "Tell me more..." because that is the #1 thing that I, as a woman, would want to hear from my husband (and never do 0 his instinct is to throw up a solution and try to just get the conversation over with). Anyhow, that was #1 on the list! I just found this article online by the guy if you're interested:

The Charged Life ? Be Great in Relationships

Three things to master saying to your wife:
1. Tell me more...
2. I'm sorry that happened, that sucks, that's so lame.
3. I'm here for you. Anything I can do.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> To me, MC is a speed bump on the way to divorce. A friend of mine was a MC and his wife divorced him to be with the man she had been cheating with for a few years. So much for that. I believe that adults rarely can change who they are. You are a fixer and you can read all you want but you will still be a fixer. MC often will convince you to act as someone you are not to save the marriage, but after a while you cannot hold back the true you to be happy. If you think you can change who you are by reading a book, go ahead, it cannot hurt. If only it were that easy, but I do wish you luck.
> 
> I am married 44+ years. Loving each other has enabled us to consider the wants and needs of each other and accept who they are. I often wonder how strong love can be with couples in trouble. I always thought that love conquers all but after joining this website, apparently not. I could never change who I am. I am an alpha male who needs to be in charge. I married a woman who wanted a man like me. I think the problems that many married people have are due to love blinding them to each other's faults or thinking they can change them after they are married. Give this a quick read. Interesting about the cycle of love and marriage.
> 
> How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


I partially agree but also feel that part of our issues is general communication, we made it 12 years and only really hit a hump over the lack 12 months or so, for me MC is having someone neutral try and get aside all the BS and figure out what the real issue is and then if we can/want to fix it. 

Thanks for the link


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> I feel for you because men and women seem to be wired very differently in this area. Men by nature want to "fix" problems, but when women talk about their problems, at that moment, they want to be heard and understood. They feel connected to you when they feel like you feel their pain and understand their frustration. As a woman, it is frustrating and disappointing to me when I tell my husband about a problem and he immediately jumps in with ideas to solve it. I know he's trying to help, but I feel like he is saying "your issue is no big deal, just do xyz, now can we talk about something interesting, or better yet, not talk anymore at all?"


For me and maybe the same for your husband it is not to say its no big deal or a want to move onto a more interesting conversation its just that it comes across as asking us to fix something and we want to take it on as our problem and make it right, I know that sounds kind of stupid when I wrote it down but that's really what is it




WorkingWife said:


> Three things to master saying to your wife:
> 1. Tell me more...
> 2. I'm sorry that happened, that sucks, that's so lame.
> 3. I'm here for you. Anything I can do.


This is similar to what FIP was saying earlier and makes sense


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@WorkingWife said pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Most men are inherently fixers. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not what most women need.

Sharing in a marriage IS important. It leads to emotional intimacy, which is what most women need in a relationship. Because many men are like you @MovingForward and are reluctant to share, when you DO share with your wife all these things--your hopes, your dreams, your fears--they become hers, too. And that's what makes a marriage special and intimate the way no other relationship is, because she knows you truly intimately, the way no one else ever possibly could. 

This is why emotional affairs (on the husband's part) can be so much more painful than just a physical affair (CAN be, not making grand sweeping generalizations), because he is sharing with his AP things that are emotionally intimate and should be reserved for the special intimacy between a husband and wife.

When you keep things from your wife, you are denying her the emotional intimacy that she needs in a relationship, and when that happens, she stops feeling SAFE in the relationship. If she stops feeling safe, she will likely pull away from physical intimacy--which is usually the husband's biggest need in the marriage. It makes HIM feel safe, and allows him to be emotionally vulnerable. When she starts pulling away physically, he withdraws even more emotionally--which in turns causes her to pull away more physically. It creates a vicious cycle which can eventually spiral out of control and ruin a marriage. It takes at least one person--preferably both--not pulling back, despite the feelings of (sometimes extreme) discomfort, to keep the cycle from continuing, and to turn it around.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Don't know the book but it sounds great.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Well you have never listened to my wife tell a 30 minute story that i can summarize in 30 seconds. Sometimes i just want to put a gun to my head. 

When i ask what time do we have to be at an event, I don't want a 10 minute story. I want a 5 sec reply. To me, it is disrespectful to be subjected to that.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @WorkingWife said pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Most men are inherently fixers. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not what most women need.
> 
> Sharing in a marriage IS important. It leads to emotional intimacy, which is what most women need in a relationship. Because many men are like you @MovingForward and are reluctant to share, when you DO share with your wife all these things--your hopes, your dreams, your fears--they become hers, too. And that's what makes a marriage special and intimate the way no other relationship is, because she knows you truly intimately, the way no one else ever possibly could.
> 
> ...


That pretty much sums my how things have happened for me and my current W, I never thought it could be such a big deal


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MovingForward said:


> That pretty much sums my how things have happened for me and my current W, I never thought it could be such a big deal


That's probably why the MC said it was a textbook case. A lot of people--men AND women--don't realize that it's such a big deal, each seeing it from their own sides. They don't know or understand how their partner thinks or what they need.

A lot of people live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others and you would have them do unto you. And that works in a lot of situations. 

But sometimes, you have to remember, do unto my partner as my partner would prefer, not the way I would prefer. If you can do that, you're in a. Much better position for success.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> That's probably why the MC said it was a textbook case. A lot of people--men AND women--don't realize that it's such a big deal, each seeing it from their own sides. They don't know or understand how their partner thinks or what they need.
> 
> A lot of people live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others and you would have them do unto you. And that works in a lot of situations.
> 
> ...


I always enjoy your input, have a great weekend and don't drink too much green beer tonight :grin2:


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

If you're putting together a book list, it won't be complete without This One


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Deejo is a huge advocate for that book, as is @jld. I have tremendous respect for both of them.

I have still not yet read it, and I need to.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

QFT! Brilliant. This is so true. Emphasis added.



FeministInPink said:


> @WorkingWife said pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Most men are inherently fixers. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just not what most women need.
> 
> Sharing in a marriage IS important. It leads to emotional intimacy, which is what most women need in a relationship. Because many men are like you @MovingForward and are reluctant to share, when you DO share with your wife all these things--your hopes, your dreams, your fears--they become hers, too. And that's what makes a marriage special and intimate the way no other relationship is, because she knows you truly intimately, the way no one else ever possibly could.
> 
> ...


I would add regarding the emotional affair -- it would be especially painful if the husband is sharing things with this OW that he *won't* share with his wife. To me, that would definitely be a worse betrayal than having sex. (Though either would be a deal breaker.)


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

browser said:


> If you're putting together a book list, it won't be complete without This One


That's funny, this whole conversation from the beginning made me think of that book. The "information" on this difference between men and women has been around for ages, but it's so anti-instinctual for both that if you don't learn it, you can spend a life trying to have good relationships with the opposite sex extremely frustrated and confused.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Well you have never listened to my wife tell a 30 minute story that i can summarize in 30 seconds. Sometimes i just want to put a gun to my head.
> 
> When i ask what time do we have to be at an event, I don't want a 10 minute story. I want a 5 sec reply. To me, it is disrespectful to be subjected to that.


And your *wife* needs to learn what most *men* want - the summary/answer, and then the story *if *the story is even necessary.

Then, when your wife needs someone to talk to and tell her rambling, 30 minute story to, you can summon the energy to be there for her knowing that it makes her feel loved and connected and intimate with you that you're communicating with her like this. And maybe you'll be happier to do it understanding that if you want to have a wife (and get regular sex) this is just how most women are wired.

And you are right, it is disrespectful to give a 10 minute story when asked a simple question for information. So your wife should understand how you are wired and that it's incredibly frustrating to you, and to learn how to just answer the damn question when you ask her something. And if there's a back story, ask you if you want to know it, and if you say "no, not really," respect that.

It seems to me that if both sides understand the other, they can accomodate the other and still get what they need.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> And your *wife* needs to learn what most *men* want - the summary/answer, and then the story *if *the story is even necessary.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I understood most of your post. What do you mean by get regular sex?


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I understood most of your post. What do you mean by get regular sex?


Well maybe you are already getting all the sex you want. But typically, men's top two needs are sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Ironically, those are typically women'sw bottom two needs. 

On the flip side, women's top two needs are usually conversation and affection. Again, the irony, typically men's bottom two needs.

So typically, it's a given than men want sex. It's a physical drive they have. But it's not a given that women want sex. Women are wired differently, usually with a lot less testosterone. What women need most is intimacy and to feel "connected" - when they have that, they feel in love, and when they feel in love, then they are much more likely to want sex.

So the road to more enthusiastic sex for most men runs through non-sexual affection and conversation. Women who are not getting their needs met will often give men the sex they want for a period of time, thinking that will get them the intimacy they want, and because it's a very intimate thing for a woman to do. But many men, being wired as they are, just think "cool, she loves lots of sex and I don't even have to endure her inane babbling or "hold her" without groping her! Then they get married, and the woman realizes, this is it - you have sex with him and he ignores you. Then the woman feels distant and unfulfilled. Then she stops desiring sex. Then the guy goes on TAM and asks why did sex stop when I got married? Why is my wife a cold fish? And the wife goes on TAM and says how her husband wants sex from her and wants her to go to ball games with him, but shows her no affection and is preoccupied and disinterested when she tries to talk to him and she doesn't know why but she just really doesn't want him touching her anymore.

That's what I meant. I was trying to be succinct, but, as a woman, I find that very difficult!


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Well maybe you are already getting all the sex you want. But typically, men's top two needs are sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Ironically, those are typically women'sw bottom two needs.
> 
> On the flip side, women's top two needs are usually conversation and affection. Again, the irony, typically men's bottom two needs.
> 
> ...




Sorry WW. I was being facetious. If i was getting regular sex I wouldn't be on TAM and I wouldn't have a copy of this book. 

Your post was helpful though. 

I am putting TAM down now on going off to read the book. I am on page 8. 

It might help my next relationship.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

MovingForward said:


> Hi I have another thread going below but wanted to keep this separate for some feedback.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html
> 
> ...


Conceptually, I think Sue Johnson has figured out something fundamental and very important.

I am struggling to read the book. Struggling, because I think it needs a re-write. Sue Johnson is an academic. Most of her books are for an academic audience. She has the same writing problem I have - she cannot rest until she's put ALL the details of a concept into the book - and that makes it hard to read. There are place in which I can tell that it probably flowed well - but she HAD to add several sentences to make sure this or that got covered well.

In an attempt to render it more readable, she presents the ideas in the form of "conversations" between married people...possibly because this was John Gottman's technique in his outstanding book "Seven Principles for making Marriage Work". However, while Gottman (or his ghost writer) were able to create believable people using English to express themselves, the characters in Sue Johnson's conversations are not differentiated from each other. In page after page of words in quotations, you can't tell which person is saying what. Sue interjects her own observations within the conversations, and sometimes it's hard to tell when the conversation stopped and Sue began making her observations.

Another challenge with the book is that it's unclear at times whether she's intending it for self-help for couples (this is the claimed objective) versus trying to show therapists how to use her EFT (Emotnon Focused Therapy) techniques.

My own estimate is that the essential information could probably be covered in 100 pages, not the 332 that it is.


So, the book - 2 stars
The concept - 5.5 stars out of 5. I think she's made a real breakthrough.

I listen to Youtube video interviews of her while I'm doing chores, and have absorbed what I think are the basics. I have also looked on the web to see if someone else has summarized the book.


Here's my take on it.

Part 1 - attachment style
Background for each individual: You have an attachment style, and it was created by how you were treated in the first weeks of life. Depending on how your primary caregiver (usually your mother) treated you when you were a newborn and most vulnerable, you have come to intrinsically view all people initially the same way. 

If your mom responded to your cries instantly, and all the time, then you probably have a secure attachment style - you expect people close to you to be supportive, when you need it, and at the right level. 

If your mom didn't respond every time, but sometimes ignored you as an infant, then you will likely have an insecure attachment style, in which you trust people but not all that much - you form relationships carefully and spend a lot of time looking for "red flags".

Worse, if, when you cried for attention, your mom showed up and did NOT support you - e.g. stuffed a bottle in your mouth and left - then your insecure attachment style will be one to never trust people - you may be viewed by others as shy, introverted, etc. You prefer solitude and when you are with people, you don't share your emotions, since your inner being expects people will abuse you with them.

Ultimately, knowing your style is useful but not required...but the background helps you understand how you and spouse may end up not working well together.

Part 2 - the Breakthrough

The breakthrough is that Sue Johnson seems to have cracked the love code- she has identified what we 'need' in a romantic relationship. It boils down to an acronym - A.R.E.

A = Available: Are you available to me? When I exhibit the need for emotional support, are you there? Even if you, yourself, are struggling with something, when I show my need, will you come to my aid?

R = Responsive - Will you respond when I show a need? John Gottman refers to events called "bids". Any time your spouse does something that you might respond to, you can consider it a bid for attention. Gottman says your responnse to these bids is crucial. If you "Turn Toward" your partner, you will show emotional support. Not fixing the problem, but acknowledging that you can see why your partner feels that way (even if you don't agree that it's a big deal). You can Turn Away - ignore the bid, stay focused on your computer, etc. Gottman has identified that you must Turn Toward 80% of the time...when a person is in distress, they are more prone to receiving things as negative, so your response to a bid must be positive (Turn Towards) the overwhelming majority of the time. John's wife (Julie, I think) also created a third category - Turn Against. This would be when your wife comes home irritated that someone at work insulted her and you say "It's not very smart to care what others think if you" - that's basically telling your wife that her feelings are invalid.

Note that in R, you need to be Responsive even when you are struggling - and even if what you're struggling with is your spouse! Not easy to do!

E = Engaged. Are you Engaged with me? Do my feelings matter, and are you regularly sharing your feelings?



===

Sue explains this stuff in maybe the first 100 pages of the book, then the Seven Conversations are supposed to show us a path to get from dysfunctional to functional in four steps. But that's where I get lost, the conversations are just too hard to follow for me to interpret the four steps.

Sue uses metaphors for many of her concepts - if you're not a social dancer, you'll miss many of them because she uses lots of dancing references.

====

You can find two and three page documents that repeat what I wrote (and probably better), and hopefully at some point, someone will summarize the seven conversations in a manner that I (and hopefully others) can absorb properly. I find useful stuff if I search for "Cliff Notes: Hold Me Tight" or "Summary of Hold Me Tight".


If you are the sort who can dive into any kind of writing, then you may move yourself through this book far better than I did.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> Sorry WW. I was being facetious.


Oh, haha. Well, you gave me a chance to pontificate - and you know how much we women love that.  Now go ask your wife her opinion on something, and when she gives it, pay rapt attention. Nod and murmur and say "Really?" "Oh?" and "Tell me more..."

In 6 to 10 months, you'll be getting laid regularly!!!


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MovingForward said:


> Yes this is mostly what she told MC and me although there was some of the above also. I told the MC last night its weird I cannot explain it I want to open up but I can't and I do not know why. Also never really thought that not sharing problems could be an issue.


I recommend you start small and positive. Tell your wife when you are happy or when you appreciate something she does and how you feel about it. Showing appreciation is a great way to start in terms of communication and sharing emotions. For example, Thank you, Wife, for making dinner. I enjoy your cooking and appreciate the effort you put into making meals.

Each of us contributes something in a family. It doesn't matter if it is our job to do something. Everyone wants to be appreciated and their efforts noticed. I find that since I recognized this small and obvious point that there is a lot more affection around our house and people have learned to appreciate each other's contributions and to voice it. Sometimes our house sounds like a mutual admiration society. It's really nice.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

WorkingWife said:


> It seems to me that if both sides understand the other, they can accomodate the other and still get what they need.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Just been reading the books I got from Womansinfidelity.com interesting stuff and a lot echo's advice I was given on my other thread such as aspects of the 180 and not allowing Limbo, two books one written talking to a man and one on the Females side.

Not sure on all the other fluff as flicked though it but will read in more depth over the next week or so until I get the Hold me Tight book.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Well you have never listened to my wife tell a 30 minute story that i can summarize in 30 seconds. Sometimes i just want to put a gun to my head.
> 
> When i ask what time do we have to be at an event, I don't want a 10 minute story. I want a 5 sec reply. To me, it is disrespectful to be subjected to that.


Hmmm, could be THIS explains the lack of sex in your marriage..? At least partially....


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> @Deejo is a huge advocate for that book, as is @jld. I have tremendous respect for both of them.
> 
> I have still not yet read it, and I need to.


Thanks, far. 

Hey, does this mean you are going to watch _Fireproof,_ too? 

Hi, Moving Forward. I read _Hold Me Tight_ a few years ago now, and have somewhat of a fuzzy recollection of it. It certainly merits a reread. 

What I remember most clearly is the emphasis on the importance of transparency, vulnerability, and empathy in marriage. We simply must share our hearts with our spouses, and they with us. Those three elements are what build our emotional connection, which is the foundation of modern marriage.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmmm, could be THIS explains the lack of sex in your marriage..? At least partially....


No. That's not it.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Still not received the book yet, sucks it will be only for my potential next relationship whenever that may be.

I have seen some people post on here about Co-Dependency books and was interested to see what is recommended?


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> Hi I have another thread going below but wanted to keep this separate for some feedback.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...tion/369834-entering-divorce-proceedings.html
> 
> ...


I've been told the same things by my wife many times. I never really understood the whole situation until I came across the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", it opened my eyes to a lot. A good friend of mine also brought up a very good point to me the other day. I'm a retired firefighter, and what my friend said to me was this "You're a fireman, you always have been. Without really knowing you've been programed to find, fix or solve a problem all while having to push your emotions way behind you." I thought about that for a while and yeah, when you put it that way, lol. It's something that I'm really trying to fix about myself now, the way that when I see danger I push my emotions way back and don't express anything, and how when I see a problem my first reaction is to look for a solution. I've come to realize that I can't fix everything and some things aren't meant to be fixed, if they're going to work you just need to let the situation play out as it was meant to.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> I've been told the same things by my wife many times. I never really understood the whole situation until I came across the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", it opened my eyes to a lot. A good friend of mine also brought up a very good point to me the other day. I'm a retired firefighter, and what my friend said to me was this "You're a fireman, you always have been. Without really knowing you've been programed to find, fix or solve a problem all while having to push your emotions way behind you." I thought about that for a while and yeah, when you put it that way, lol. It's something that I'm really trying to fix about myself now, the way that when I see danger I push my emotions way back and don't express anything, and how when I see a problem my first reaction is to look for a solution. I've come to realize that I can't fix everything and some things aren't meant to be fixed, if they're going to work you just need to let the situation play out as it was meant to.


I have the PDF, I never knew it was such a big deal but guess it is partially to blame for costing me my marriage.

I am going to be seeing an IC but with work schedule and times it is hard to get frequent appointments, I guess I have a lot to work on in myself, struggling to know who I am currently.


----------



## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> I have the PDF, I never knew it was such a big deal but guess it is partially to blame for costing me my marriage.
> 
> I am going to be seeing an IC but with work schedule and times it is hard to get frequent appointments, I guess I have a lot to work on in myself, struggling to know who I am currently.


I never realized it was a big deal either, I always thought I was doing the right thing, but it was actually something that was pushing my wife away. The best thing now is that I've realized this and can do something about it. And if the problems in my marriage ultimately don't work out and we split, at least I will have rebuilt myself and I'll know better for the next time.

The past is the past, it's not meant to re-live. We need to put the past behind us and learn from our mistakes


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

AtMyEnd said:


> I never realized it was a big deal either, I always thought I was doing the right thing, but it was actually something that was pushing my wife away. The best thing now is that I've realized this and can do something about it. And if the problems in my marriage ultimately don't work out and we split, at least I will have rebuilt myself and I'll know better for the next time.
> 
> The past is the past, it's not meant to re-live. We need to put the past behind us and learn from our mistakes


Yep it pushed my wife away to the point she doesn't want to return.

Good luck with your marriage and thanks for taking the time to offer feedback


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

jld said:


> Thanks, far.
> 
> Hey, does this mean you are going to watch _Fireproof,_ too?
> 
> ...


I have finally made it about half way through this book and it is a very interesting read, probably going to have to go through it a few more times though.

I always saw vulnerability as weakness but i am tying to learn some new perspectives.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Update on the book, finished it last night and then skim read over a few more parts.

This book is excellent and I would say a must read for all people in LTR or wanting successful LTR/Marriage, it is very interesting and so many Scenarios and 'Demon Dialogues' as they are refereed to in the book I have experienced first hand and myself and my STBXW handled them all in the manner which pushes away and loses connection versus growing together and strengthening the connection as a couple Hence us now Divorcing.

I would recommend anyone who is in a relationship rut to maybe have a read and then see if there partner will also have a read or go over it together as it is so accurate it is scary and a few changes in how you act in a situation can either bring you closer together or push you further apart.


----------

