# Weird or no?



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Good Morning.

I’ve been seeing someone for awhile- couple of months. Due to the Covid- he’s been up with his kids few hours away. When the ban was lifted, he came back this past weekend... he has to go back this week due to kids still in school ( he’s been helping out since his ex works.) Sunday he came over and honestly we just ate food and enjoyed eachother. Been awhile lol

prior to that, convo is awesome, physical, emotional etc. or so I think. We were texting yesterday back and forth, and we got busy and I didn’t hear from him till 8:15.

He sent me a pic of a banner his boss made to give to him today. He’s a salesman, and it was a banner to recognize him! I said nice pic!! He said my friend took that pic- former co worker.., her parents live near by, so we had dinner together. At his apartment.

I know he cooked grilled chicken breast, salad etc. I played it cool and said oh how nice!

He told me she was moving to another city in the summer. Yada yada...

I responded- Glad you had fun!

He said- pretty good night. Good dinner. Nice chat. Now Star Trek.

Immediately, I got jealous. They had wine too. I know cause he mis typed a few words, and I said you drinking? Yup. Wine and more wine. Oh are you drunk? No he said. When did you start? Dinner with friend.

I didn’t say much after.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

This is typical, modern 'dating' behavior.

He's having sex with you - right? And enjoying the pleasure of your company. But then he's free to go off and do whatever else he wants with whomever.

It's the perfect arrangement for those who want all the benefits of relationships with none of the commitment, responsibilities and obligations.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

minimalME said:


> This is typical, modern 'dating' behavior.
> 
> He having sex with you - right? And enjoying the pleasure of your company. But then he's free to go off and do whatever else he wants with whomever.
> 
> It's the perfect arrangement for those who want all the benefits of relationships with none of the commitment, responsibilities and obligations.


You think he might of did something? Wine.... dinner


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Where was the line? His apartment? He cooked? They drank? (asking for a friend)
It sounds like you are ready for an exclusive agreement. I've only arranged one of those, so I'm not able to advise you on setting it up.
edit


Sue4473 said:


> You think he might of did something? Wine.... dinner


If he did do "something" he is one cold hearted B, to call you up the same night. Honestly that would be a line for me.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

To me, it doesn't really matter what he does. 

This is about you. I think it's totally normal for you to feel the way you do. It's uncomfortable. It doesn't feel right.

So, don't participate.

We've had this conversation before. Be honest with yourself. It's okay to want what you want, but you have to stand up for it.

If this isn't want you want, then say so. 

Don't stuff your genuine self in order to appear to be what this man wants. Be you.



Sue4473 said:


> You think he might of did something? Wine.... dinner


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Where was the line? His apartment? He cooked? They drank? (asking for a friend)
> It sounds like you are ready for an exclusive agreement. I've only arranged one of those, so I'm not able to advise you on setting it up.
> edit
> 
> If he did do "something" he is one cold hearted B, to call you up the same night. Honestly that would be a line for me.


We are exclusive sexually. But I got jealous and it might of been completely innocent, but why doesn’t it feel that way?

I don’t wanna yell at him-so what do I say


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

The problem is that the 'exclusivity' arrangement (besides the one you refer to, because yours is marriage) is nonsense. It's just a way of saying, 'I'm only gonna have sex with you at this specific moment in time'. It means absolutely nothing.

Being a 'girlfriend', living together. These are, for the most part, bastardized versions of commitment.



Mr. Nail said:


> It sounds like you are ready for an exclusive agreement.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Where was the line? His apartment? He cooked? They drank? (asking for a friend)
> It sounds like you are ready for an exclusive agreement. I've only arranged one of those, so I'm not able to advise you on setting it up.
> edit
> 
> If he did do "something" he is one cold hearted B, to call you up the same night. Honestly that would be a line for me.


I mean he didn’t hide it. We chatted like normal. I don’t want my insecurities to hurt this. He does so many good things for my mind, he challenges me, he’s my best friend to talk to, it’s not just sex.

he tells me that we get along, intelligent conversations, lots in common, the fact that I’m receptive and fun is a rarity he said. 
I would like to think that we are moving toward a bigger commitment but I know we are newish and still learning about eachother.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> We are exclusive sexually. But I got jealous and it might of been completely innocent,* but why doesn’t it feel that way*?
> 
> I don’t wanna yell at him-so what do I say


 see bold:
That is a question I can answer. Looking back at the list of things you like about this man, physical, emotional, conversation, these are areas where you have established intimacy. You share intimate body parts (sex). You share intimate emotional connection. You share intimate secrets in your regular conversation. You don't want those intimacies shared with another, because they are intimate. That is why you feel jealous. And that is not "weird". it's pretty average. This other person is a former coworker. They may actually have more together time than you have. They may have history that you are not privy to. 
The trouble is that there will always be another person. There will always be some jealousy. You are very wise to be asking the most correct question, " what do I say ?" or in other words how do I handle my feelings about this. There are two options really, The build trust way, and the broken trust way. If this man cold heartedly bedded his ex coworker on one last fling before she moves, and then sent you a picture an\d description. That would be broken trust. In that case it is appropriate to withdraw intimacy (all of the kinds), go scorched earth, break up. But if it is garden variety old friend friendliness, or as you say "could have been completely innocent", then the build trust way is the way to go. There is some suggestion that you become the best option for his time by being the best you. That is fine but you need to build a new layer of trust so that you can handle future jealousy. Trust is made up of promises made and kept. This is where Minimal ME is wrong IMO. making a promise of future exclusivity is something important to the relationship. It builds trust. Unless he breaks that promise which is where Minimal ME is absolutely right. A broken promise breaks trust.
So how to say it. Here is how I would say it based on how I would feel about it. "If you are going to perform the intimate act of cooking for another woman, and if you are going to take the risk of drinking alcohol with other women, Then I need an assurance that you will not go any further. Can you promise me that? Is that a promise you can keep with a bottle of wine in you?" 

Honestly we all know that the marriage promise of exclusivity can be broken. That is why it is important to only go into that agreement with someone of known trust. I used a 2 year proving period. it seems a bit excessive in retrospect.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

PS I'm writing while you are writing.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> PS I'm writing while you are writing.


That is very well written. No pics or descriptions of the evening were sent/told.

the night before, he told me he cooked chicken breasts and salad, so the meal wasn’t made specifically for HER. Wine? Yeah maybe that was weird, but I have trust issues. My issue that I need to handle and like you said-build trust and communicate. 
now, he didn’t say hey how was your day? I had a friend over we drank, ate, bedded etc.
It was me saying nice pic and that opened it up. They could have a history that I’m not aware of: meaning working together, friendship.
I know she is recently “single” so maybe she was close by and wanted to catch up and talk to him about bf probs.?

I played it cool for several reasons: I want to talk to him in person and not turn psycho. Sometimes I have the tendency to react instead of waiting and then approach. He’s that important that I need to stop and think.

Trust is bad when you have trust issues. Not from him, but my past. I have insecurities that just about ruin everything. Will keep all advice.

Sue


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

If Covid wasn't a thing I'd be concerned about dinner at his apartment. But with Covid, do you want to eat out? Can you eat out in your area? 

I don't know how I'd feel or react but I wouldn't be happy either. You know him better than us, do you think he did anything? You say you are sexually exclusive, have you two said that out loud or are you assuming?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> If Covid wasn't a thing I'd be concerned about dinner at his apartment. But with Covid, do you want to eat out? Can you eat out in your area?
> 
> I don't know how I'd feel or react but I wouldn't be happy either. You know him better than us, do you think he did anything? You say you are sexually exclusive, have you two said that out loud or are you assuming?


I don’t think he did, but I’m a jealous person lol and have trust issues.
Yes, sexually exclusive was discussed and confirmed


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I too am the jealous type. This would be hard for me. But I trust my husband so I would be ok. I think I would also let him know that it made me uncomfortable him having a woman and wine at his apartment, especially if he doesn't normally drink. But I wouldn't play games I'd just have a talk. See what he says, with most men it isn't too hard to tell if they are shaving the truth.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Well I'm not the jealous type and I wouldn't like this at all. 

It doesn't mean he's slept with her, but if he's exclusive with you it's inappropriate to be having dinner home alone with another woman. A group of friends? Sure! A couple of friends? Absolutely! A recently single woman alone? Nope.

I would have addressed this straight away. "Oh, I thought were exclusive?" in a pass the butter tone. Then I would have shut up and let him speak. This could open the door to a chat about boundaries, and what you both feel are reasonable.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is good that he was honest about where he was, with who, and what happened.
(As far as he said, and as far as you know.)

Believe me, that was no mistake on his part.

Did he let you know, just in case you might find out later?
Did he let you know so that (in a painful way), that he hides nothing from you?

Did he let you know that he is still free.
He is still free to do these things, and maybe more.
(Do this, because he is upfront and honest.)

How do these 'let you knows' make you feel..... good?
Any better?

They don't, and they, this action is cruel, making him a cad and a cool, crafty villain.

I am sure he let his newly divorced co-worker know that he has informed his girlfriend, um, that is you.

Did he do this to show 'her' that he is above board and open and honest?
I suspect this.

I think he also did it to keep her in his life, now that he knows she is leaving town.
He did this hurriedly, I suspect.

Doing this, he has put you on notice, of what more may come.

I suspect:

She is his plan B, as in Baby.

Baby, I know you are now available and you are leaving town, but don't forget me.
He had to put the moves on her before she left town.

He also let her know that he is spoken for, well somewhat. If she is interested in him, she needs to know that he is in demand. So hurry up.....Baby.

And he chose to do it in a proper and in a gentlemanly manner.
So, 'he' thinks.

Not me.

I think he is hedging his bets and playing the long game.

This guy is way ahead of the ladies he woos.
Yes.

_Gwendolyn-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A real gentleman would have asked your permission to see her off, in his apartment.
And, he would have invited others.

No, a real gentleman would have sent her a card wishing her luck, and maybe, at most, some flowers.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Nowadays, anyone who is not jealous, has a loose grip on reality.
What is yours remains yours, by not allowing others to come near to..... what you hold dear.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> the night before, he told me he cooked chicken breasts and salad, so the meal wasn’t made specifically for HER.


Do you know for sure that he was cooking the day before? And that was what he cooked? And he did it with no intentions instead of trying to dust his tracks?

Need to take stock of what you really don't know.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Do you know for sure that he was cooking the day before? And that was what he cooked? And he did it with no intentions instead of trying to dust his tracks?
> 
> Need to take stock of what you really don't know.


Yes he was with me the day before. He told me he was cooking all that due to him going back on his diet.


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## cowgirl (Nov 16, 2010)

Sue4473 said:


> Good Morning.
> 
> I’ve been seeing someone for awhile- couple of months. Due to the Covid- he’s been up with his kids few hours away. When the ban was lifted, he came back this past weekend... he has to go back this week due to kids still in school ( he’s been helping out since his ex works.) Sunday he came over and honestly we just ate food and enjoyed eachother. Been awhile lol
> 
> ...


In the last few months, I've noticed a lot of people very subtly changing. I'm not going to offer any opinions of whether the changes are good or bad I think it depends on the people. But I can say this who we are today is not who we were at the beginning of January, too much as happened. This man has children, he has an X, at one time they were a family, for whatever reason that changed. And now after lockdown.,in some cases coming out of it, most people are reevaluating what really matters to them in life.
At one time dog clubs, were a big deal for me as I'm very active in the American kennel club.. Today? Not so much, in fact on my list of priorities I place dogs clubs somewhere down around 101.
This can also be true of relationships, and I say that knowing it makes sting a bit. Understand I am not trying to cause you any pain.
But what you had compared, to what he has with his kids, are not even in the same universe.
In the last couple of months has most likely been a bit of an emotional awakening for him.

It sounds like it may be one for you too, maybe you're feeling like you'd like something a lot more serious than what you had in the past.
He may be looking at the past and saying why did I walk away from what is so important in life?
At any rate this is a time of reevaluation. If I were you, I think I would put my attention elsewhere if possible, evaluate what is truly important to you and what your goals are going to be moving forward. And choose not to put so much emphasis on whether he walks along with you towards those goals or you walk by yourself, or perhaps even find someone who more closely matches the goals you have for your life.
I'm sorry to say huge events like what we've just had is a country, and even as a world human population. Can cause people to reassess.


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