# A problem shared is a problem halved (isn't it?)



## ukjames (Apr 13, 2010)

Hi,

I am brand new here but I wanted to post as I think there is a really positive community here.

I have just found out my wife is having an emotional affair after 14 years of marriage. I am pretty certain that if I let things develop she will have a full on affair. She does not have a clue that I know yet.

Her EA started on Facebook (don't they all) and now she and other man chat, text and email all the time. I only found out 3 days ago and I have not really slept since then so forgive me if I ramble.

We are happily (or so I thought) married for 14 years with 3 beautiful sons under 10 years old. We have absolutely everything you could want, friends, family, health, wealth, the lot. The issue we have had is a lack of sex life which is largely down to the fact that she has gained 50 pounds since we married and she is not at all confident in herself. I take my share of the blame for this as I am not exactly highly sexed.

Arrogant as it sounds I am often given the opportunity to cheat as for some reason I am attractive to the opposite sex but I never have. My wife would go absolutely crazy if the boot was on the other foot and make my life a misery (she is a strong willed women who speaks her mind but not cruel or unkind generally).

I know for a fact that I am a caring and considerate husband who makes many sacrifices for the family unit (as does my wife).

Anyway, I am really low at the moment and my first thoughts are with the kids. I could easily walk away but I love my kids more than life itself and I know that they need me. BTW, my wife is an excellent mother.

There is not much more to say but it feels good to get this down. If anyone has any constructive feedback then I am all ears but don't feel you have to reply for the sake of it or offer support as I am really ok.

Thanks for reading.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think if you want to save your marriage, you have to try to talk to her and have her stop the EA. The experts will tell you that exposing the A is the only way it will stop, to family, if she is married her spouse, Affairs of any kind are not any fun when they are actually hurting the people they love......they thrive in secrecy and once everyone knows they don't seem all that worth it......
read a lot of stories on this site before you make your move just to educate yourself and get a good grip on things should happen and in what order, 
one person can change the marriage even if she is not willing at this point..
good luck, I also find it a blessing just to put it down on paper


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## ukjames (Apr 13, 2010)

Thanks Jessi,

That is a great point. Once it is out in the open it will be a lot less fun for all concerned.

Currently I have a morbid curiosity to see how far she will actually go but I guess if they do actually sleep together it will be much harder for the marriage to recover from.

Thanks again.

James


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## ukjames (Apr 13, 2010)

OK, here's the update. Sadly it sounds all too familiar.

I confronted her about texts, we had a massive row and she said she was very sorry. She promised she would not contact him again but she has been emailing him ever since.

In her latest email she told him she thinks she loves him and if the feeling lasts then they should meet up in person. WTF - she has not even met this guy in 20 years and only sent a few texts and emails. Love! MLC, more like. BTW, she has been much more loving to me since we spoke about this (and me to her).

I even offered her an open relationship during our row but she turned it down.

She does not know I have seen her emails. I am no wimp and I am not afraid of confrontation but I feel there may be no coming back from this one when it comes out.

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice would be most welcome.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

A little more information. Does she work, or is she a SAHM? I would tell her that we're going out to dinner. Take her to a public place (this is so she won't start screaming and be embarrassed). Slide the printed e-mail across the table to her and tell her " So I guess the problem with the open marriage was that you wanted to be able to mess around, you just didn't want me messing around." Give her a bus ticket or a train ticket and tell her that you will drop her off so she can go to him. Tell her to let you know where to send her things (I don't think she will take you up on this). I would also separate finances and close her off your accounts. All this is to do one thing. Make her think of life without you. Make her earn her way back to you. I would at the minimum make her go stay at her parents or friends. She needs to envision life without you or the security you offer. You need to replace the romance of the other guy with the fear of losing her life as she knows it.


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## ukjames (Apr 13, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated.

She is a SAHM who has access to as much money as she needs from our joint accounts.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I would take care of the finances asap. You could let her find out for herself (a real awakening). Let her go shopping for this weeks groceries or to buy some clothes. She gets to the counter and "I'm sorry miss, but your card has been denied". Who will she call first, you or the OM? The fact is, that if she continues, she will use your money to finance the affair, whether its money for gas, hotels, sexy underwear, or gifts for him. How would you feel about that? If she can't be trusted, she needs to feel what it is like to not be trusted. You talk about an attention getter. You won't be starving your family, just tell her to make out a shopping list and you will go together. There are many things you can do to make her think about the reality of what she is doing. You say she has gained about 50lbs. Let her catch you looking, no staring at the latest model while you are out on a shopping trip. WOMEN NOTICE EVERYTHING. You call into question her meal ticket and the OM will fade fast.


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## ukjames (Apr 13, 2010)

Thanks for the advice.

It seems a shame that I need to use money as a weapon. I am now at the stage where I have no desire to have her realise how important I am. She wants him, she can have him...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ukjames said:


> She does not know I have seen her emails. I am no wimp and I am not afraid of confrontation but I feel there may be no coming back from this one when it comes out.


What do you mean by this? 

I would absolutely confront her with the latest email. Do you think you could have a good conversation without it escalating? If you are frustrated to the point of indifference on what she ends up doing I would think it's time to lay it all out there and find out why she continued to contact him and at the same time is being more loving towards you? 

I would ask her to respect you enough to be open and honest so that you can decide together on how to proceed...at some point she's gotta get honest because you can't check up on her forever...that is draining.

If she wants to work on the marriage she needs to end all contact with him and give you her passwords, etc. -- live open book to regain your trust. She could take things further underground...secret email account/phone/etc. so your best guage will be how open your communication is and whether you seem to be getting closer to one another.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its not just the money. Its the security. Women are extremely security oriented. She needs to be shocked. And hey if you are saying he can have her. You're going to want to separate finances anyway. I guess the point is, who's field are you playing on. If you chase her, this will only drive her away. If you pull away, this creates an emotional/security vacuum she will seek to fill. I do hope you stay on the forum for moral support.


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

She could withdraw most of your money out of bank accounts suddenly if she thinks you are thinking of booting her out. That could leave you strapped for cash to pay all the utilities, whilst she rushes off to be with him.

Seperate your money b4 you confront her, then he will have to use his own money (not yours).

You would be amazed at the number of men who suddenly find there is no money in their bank account to buy even a coffee, because wifey cleaned out all the money suddenly and never said anything.

You say he can have her, so grab your money before she does, and put your money where she can't get access. Then tell her parents what she has been doing behind your back.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

James, I think the above advice about taking precautions over money is worth thinking about. I was cleaned out in a lightning-fast spending orgy and that was the end of my business. It happens.

That aside, have you folks considered some counseling with that very well-known UK marriage guidance outfit? (Not sure if I'm allowed to mention trade names here on TAM). My lady and I used them and I felt it was time and money well spent. Good luck!


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