# How do you say you want out?



## catwranglerjim (Sep 29, 2014)

I have been married for 15 years, I am 55 my wife is 40, no kids. It started out great, we talked for hours on end and seemed to be made for each other. Shortly after getting married the tantrums started. She would get mad about pretty much anything and end up throwing stuff around and verbally abusing me, or force me to buy her something. I am the kind of guy to just shut up hoping it will blow over and that seemed to work sometimes, other times she would throw stuff until she got me visibly angry.
This went on for some time, I dreaded the weekends when we were together.
We went to see a couple of counselors but she was not honest in her feelings that she displayed and after a few visits we stopped. The last ones words of advice to her were get a divorce. Then the depression bagan to show and she sought more counseling and began taking anti-depressants. After a few different ones she seemed to get better, and mood swings disappeared for a while. 
The past few years every few months she will blow up about something and sleep in another room for a week, then she is lovey dovey for a while, then just blah.
The verbal abuse never stopped and consists of her blaming me for her life being crappy, we never should have married( she never displays any of our wedding photos), but now she is trapped, nobody would want her anymore, I don't have enough money(I retired and I do get a nice retirement), I never take her any where, and so on.
She has no friends or interests other than shopping or gambling(After I retired I found out she ran up $70k in credit card bills), and she gets mad at me for being retired and able to work on my hobbies.
She makes really good money, yet I pay the mortgage, the utilities, provide health care, take care of the cars, drive her to work and pick her up, cook for her and do her laundry. I found out she was so deep in debt because she got upset when I asked her to start paying the utilities after I retired so I pulled her credit report.
Sex? It's so bad and infrequent(many months) I would rather take care of myself.
She says things like "I'll just kill myself if you ever leave me", or sometimes "well just divorce me". 
I am at the point where I don't want to take this anymore, but I am a bit scared she will do something really stupid like destroy the house or get drunk and try to drive somewhere( she did it before), or do harm to me.

How do I tell her I want out without all hell breaking loose?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jim, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., the verbal abuse, temper tantrums, suicide threats, rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde, intimacy going off a cliff right after the marriage, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control (e.g., excessive spending and gambling), and vindictiveness -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, you are not capable of determining whether your W satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full-blown disorder. Only a professional can do that. 

You nonetheless are capable of spotting any red flags that occur if you take a little time to learn what to look for. The warning signs are not hard to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as temper tantrums and rapid flips between loving you and hating you. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs . If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my post in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. 

As to your question -- how to tell her you are leaving without all hell breaking loose -- the answer is that you cannot avoid the raging and vindictiveness if she is a BPDer. In that case, her greatest fear is abandonment. Hence, any action triggering that fear will almost certainly result in raging and her perceiving you to be Hitler incarnate. It therefore is important, with BPDers, to get all your ducks in a row (for the divorce and your move-out) before telling her. Once you break the news to a BPDer, you likely will be at substantial risk for bodily harm or -- as happened to me -- being arrested on a bogus charge and thrown into jail. 

Moreover, if you do decide she exhibits strong BPD traits, it would be prudent to gently suggest she see a psychologist (to treat her unhappiness and moodiness) and let him decide what to tell her. If you were to tell a BPDer your suspicions about her having strong BPD traits, she almost certainly would project the accusation right back onto you. Because that projection would occur entirely at the subconscious level, she would consciously believe that it is true. That is, she would be absolutely convinced YOU are the one suffering from BPD. Take care, Jim.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Uptown covered it pretty well. Here I'll be more blunt:

Your wife is disordered. She most likely suffered intentional or unintentional abuse as a child. At this age and after 15 years of failing to set proper boundaries on your end, I would say your marriage is a lost cause. Divorce is the logical and ultimately the only choice. You will not win or 'fix' this. No one has.

The fact that she chose to marry someone 15 years her senior at 25 can be a starting clue about her relationship with her parents. she most likely chose you because you satisfied the role of a father figure she lacked at 25. I could be wrong about this.

If you find yourself unworthy of better, you want to read the following link. It'll probably cause multiple "DAMN!" moments:

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to get to MC and she needs IC. Maybe you need IC, too.

Do you have children?

Read about the 180.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

no kids...no custodial worries...

find a nice apartment...send her on a trip with her friends...a girls week or something...move all your stuff out...have her served the day she comes back

she doesnt deserve the curtousy of a sit down break-it-to-her-gently talk, and you CAN NOT be blamed for getting your possessions and yourself away from her crazy a$$...

or move all her possessions to the apartment, change your locks...


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

catwranglerjim said:


> I have been married for 15 years, I am 55 my wife is 40, no kids. It started out great, we talked for hours on end and seemed to be made for each other. Shortly after getting married the tantrums started. She would get mad about pretty much anything and end up throwing stuff around and verbally abusing me, or force me to buy her something. I am the kind of guy to just shut up hoping it will blow over and that seemed to work sometimes, other times she would throw stuff until she got me visibly angry.
> This went on for some time, I dreaded the weekends when we were together.
> We went to see a couple of counselors but she was not honest in her feelings that she displayed and after a few visits we stopped. The last ones words of advice to her were get a divorce. Then the depression bagan to show and she sought more counseling and began taking anti-depressants. After a few different ones she seemed to get better, and mood swings disappeared for a while.
> The past few years every few months she will blow up about something and sleep in another room for a week, then she is lovey dovey for a while, then just blah.
> ...


tell her "problem solved"...that is the most manipulative pile of horse $hit ever...to threaten suicide...how did you not see this crazy before you tied the horrible knot:scratchhead:


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