# Feeling defeated in my Marriage



## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

I don't even know where to begin. My husband an I been married almost 16yrs. We been having problems in the relationship and marriage from day one . We share happy moments as well as bad .But for the past year and half it's starting to feel like we are done . He don't want to let me go but he doesn't show me any intimacy at all ..... there is no signs of 
Passion or affectionate actions in this relationship anymore. I want to save my marriage , he's my BESTFRIEND. But it seems like I'm the only one trying to reconnect with him and I'm forcing him to participate. it's starting to be depressing and drainful.

I just found out he haven't been wearing his wedding ring an he's been recently talking back to a ex-girl friend of which he tried to down play as if she just was a old school friend smh. So he calms nothing been going on between them other than conversation but it still has me torn . 
Because, I told him . We supposed to be working on are marriage . I had ex reach out to me as well but you don't see me inviting people into are marriage . I am so sad and hurt right now . Although I'm not perfect in this marriage either, I'm trying ...... 
I came to the group to get some insight on how to deal with the situation so I won't feel alone because I don't have anyone to talk to I have no real friends and I only talk to my mom and she's only a listener she doesn't judge, she just keep telling me to pray about it and everything will be okay an stay strong. Oh and talk to my husband. 

It's 6am in the morning and I can't sleep because I feel shattered , empty and torn and I feel like I can't breathe.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Welcome to TAM, but sorry you are having these problems.

It sounds like you and your husband have developed a relationship where you are chasing him. That puts him in a position of power in the relationship that leads to him disrespecting you basically.

I suggest that you start by reading the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter about changing the environment. You want him focused on you. The book tells you how to accomplish this.

After that there are two books that will teach you what a good relationship should look like and how to achieve it. The books are "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order. Read them yourself first and do the work that the suggest. After that, ask him to read them with you and the two of you do the work together. 

On the topic of him talking to an ex-girlfriend, keep an eye on that and let him know that this is not acceptable. If it makes you uncomfortable then he has to stop talking to her.

Is she married or in another relationship? How often does he talk to her? Is it in person, by phone, or on the internet?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm sensing a language barrier here. First, I'm guessing that your children are older than 16, is that right?
Next, How is his health? Stress level? 
Also, do you do things together or does he enjoy recreation without you?
Finally what is your sexual frequency?


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

Hey , Mr.Nail.

Yes , Are children are grown and out of the home . He have been battling with he's self but refuse treatment. He keeps telling me it's not me an that he's just not happy with himself . No ,We haven't really been having time together becz i work graveyard shifts for personal reasons and he works days or afternoon's....But , yes he enjoys hisself , when he's with he's brothers and cousins . He really don't have friends which are guy's and most of them are single. So I can't tell that he's having issues with hisself and to find out this week he's been secretly talking with a old ex-girlfriend on fb..... I most definitely don't understand. We don't have a intimate sex life anymore and it's not because of me or my choice. I am truly tried of the excuses and b's . We talk all the time he's my BESTFRIEND but for the most of it I believe I'm doing all the communicating and he is just listening and agreeing and accepting what I say.

I am tired of trying to save us when all he does is make excuses and tell me what he assume I want to hear for the moment. 😔


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

Hi,Elegirl

Thanks for your response to my concern I have spoken with him on this issue about the young lady already. They got back in contact with each on facebook . I also found out he's been talking with her on the phone and she has a boyfriend, she's not married . So he say it's nothing going on and tht he haven't been talking to her like that an their not doing anything . But now , believe me I got my eyes on him . 

I told him how disrespectful and disappointed I was to know we're having problems in are marriage and I'm thinking we working on them and he's caking with somebody else and sharing are marriage issues with this person..... HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY ON THAT "BUT SORRY HONEY " I UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR ANGRY.
I FEEL TORN APART BY THIS BECZ I HAD EX'S REACH OUT TO ME AND AS BAD AS ARE MARRIAGE AND RELATIONSHIP IS AN AS LONELY AS I BE AND FEEL I KEPT CHOOSING HIM BUT HE DIDN'T DO THAT FOR ME .😢


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It doesnt matter what may or may not be actually going on, as he says... YOU are NOT ok with it, so it needs to stop. Period. Anything less than stopping it altogether is complete disrespect to you as his wife. He has decided that chit chatting with her is more important than your feelings.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK so you are empty nesters. You work opposite shifts, and you don't have recreational companionship.
That is a tough situation to work with. 
You say your Husband is refusing treatment. I'm guessing the typical middle age man problems. Erectile dysfunction, High blood pressure, low testosterone, maybe even diabetes.
I think it is great that he his connecting with his brothers and cousins. It's good to have someone you respect to share recreation with.
He likely need to be sharing some of his recreation time with you to feel connected to you. Part of the problem is that he is very outgoing and busy, and you are more reserved and want to stay home. For your comfort, you are giving up some of the closeness that you could have.
About the other Woman . . . . . I'm sorry to say that it looks like some serious connection is there, possibly even a physical affair. 
Do read the books Ele recommended. Your marriage has never had a strong emotional connection, by your report, some guidance could help you if it is not already too late.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

He's checked out!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way to get a man to stop cheating is to make him fear losing you. 

And to fear losing you, he has to see you saying 'her or me, and if you choose her, here's your suitcase, get out.'

Scary, I know. But trust me, it's the only way he will ever value you again.

I have to say, though, you describe a marriage where I'm not surprised it's come to this. Problems from day one. That means you are part of the problem. Not the cause of his cheating - that's on him. But you're helping to create a relationship where he has no reason to want to stay. 

Now, I say this not knowing a lot about your marriage. If he's abusive, everything I say goes out the window; ignore it and just leave him.

But if he wasn't abusive, do you know that a man's top emotional need is sex, typically? Men's most typical second top emotional need is admiration. His third most typical need is recreation (fun). It sounds like your marriage doesn't have ANY of that. And it's a fair bet that the woman he's cheating with is supplying all three.


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

Hi Turnera,


Thanks for your feed back on my concern but it's more too it than I can say . This is my personal life so I basically gave y'all a brief layout . As far as the other woman she's the past an that's why he's talking to her ...... He's only talking to her BECZ she's a safe place where he doesn't have to commit . BECZ if she was all that and pleasing him as you say than why he been married to me and this girl was never heard of til now . This is the same question I asked him . So, believe me she's not going to beable to make him happy for long if he's not happy with himself that's all I'm saying . Plus I'm not stopping him from being happy if she makes him happy what else can I do but let my husband be happy and go . I'm just saying...... Also any relationship or marriage can't be saved if both parties not doing there part . If I'm trying to make it work and he talking to other women . How am I making him be with someone else smh . So what you saying is , I should be talking and seeing another man BECZ my husband is not for filling his husband duties as well smh . 

I am just trying to understand your post an answer your question the best I can without putting any anger in my reply .

Thanks again


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

😔


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

😔


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MRS.SEXYTAZ said:


> Hi Turnera,
> 
> 
> Thanks for your feed back on my concern but it's more too it than I can say . This is my personal life so I basically gave y'all a brief layout . As far as the other woman she's the past an that's why he's talking to her ...... He's only talking to her BECZ she's a safe place where he doesn't have to commit . BECZ if she was all that and pleasing him as you say than why he been married to me and this girl was never heard of til now . This is the same question I asked him . So, believe me she's not going to beable to make him happy for long if he's not happy with himself that's all I'm saying . Plus I'm not stopping him from being happy if she makes him happy what else can I do but let my husband be happy and go . I'm just saying...... Also any relationship or marriage can't be saved if both parties not doing there part . If I'm trying to make it work and he talking to other women . How am I making him be with someone else smh . So what you saying is , I should be talking and seeing another man BECZ my husband is not for filling his husband duties as well smh .
> ...


That's not what I said. I said if your choice is to try to save the marriage, you have to make it clear you will not share him with another woman and if he chooses to continue to speak to another woman, your job is to TELL him you won't share him and if he doesn't stop contacting her, you will leave him.


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

Hi Turnera,


I did tell him that, it's me or her . He keep telling me it's nothing like that and he doesn't want to lose me over this and if I decide to leave him he's not going to be with her or nobody else he's just going to be single .But since that day I haven't asked him have he talked to her anymore. I just been taking it one day at a time . 

Thanks again for your reply and I truly apologize if I sounded angry in my message . I been truly in my feelings and taking words to the heart .😢


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he says he doesn't want to lose you, ask him again. If he says yes, then hold out your hand and say "Let me see your phone. I'm going to take the password off of it so I can verify you are not in contact whenever I feel the need to." He's going to yell at you, at which point you say "Fine. Let's go pack your clothes. You're moving out."


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

G'morning Turnera, 

I'm going to try and ask him today . But he doesn't have his phone lock . He never had his phone lock . So Really that give me something to look at too. If his phone is lock than truthfully I already will have my answer. 

I truly thank you for your time and advice it feels good to have somebody to chat with other than my mom . I also been feeling a lil better since I got on this site . My intense anxiety & panic attacks have calmed down a lil where I'm able to sleep an eat .😇


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to remember how you felt, what your expectations were, going INTO this marriage. That is the relationship you should be expecting and should be leaving if you can't get that back.


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## MRS.SEXYTAZ (May 10, 2019)

Hi ,

Thank you soo much Turnera for your advice .


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