# Do I have a reason to be upset?



## tc6872blue (Jan 18, 2010)

To keep things short, my wife and I are in the beginning of our divorce. The intial paperwork was started last week, so the lawyer said that more and likely everything would be final by the end of April. My wife and I still live together until she can close on her house the end of next month. So for some reason I felt the urge to look at my wife phone this morning and do a quick check of things and to my surprise I found something I really did not expect. I noticed a couple of flirty texts to another person and at the end of the text was a "ly". It took a minute and then it dawned on me that it must mean "Love You". Are you kidding me!! At first I did not know what to say and then felt I just had to ask WTF. So I calmly confront her to who this person is and get the standard response "he is a friend". To which I ask "You tell your friends I love you?". To which I got the "What are you doing looking through my phone?" and "I can't believe you would do something like that to me". Which followed more questions and it turning on me some more. Of course this piece of sh** works with her and I'm sure tells her exactly what she wants to hear. Oh yeah - he's married too. Go figure! So that leads me to my question do I have a right to be upset? For myself dating another person is that last thing I would do. Plus I belive I would have enough respect to wait until things are final before I would do something like that. I just don't get it!


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I know I would be upset. It was upsetting to me when I saw (I lost count) phone calls and texts from a woman my H said they're just friends. And doesn't include emails. His little "soul mate" was supposedly surprised when he told her we were separating. Gee, do you think she might be partly responsible here??? The funny thing is that she lives in Denmark, so they'll probably never meet.:lol:
Anyway, you have every right to be upset-It's hard enough to deal with divorce, and then to see these flirty texts.
Yep, it hurts.


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## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Our stories are exactly alike, my friend. My W is leaving me for someone she works with. It started out the same way. She told me she fell out of love, but I found the same flirty texts. It's been almost a year to the day since I found out. We're living in same house until it sells for financial reasons, yet, as I type this, she is out with her "future husband." My emotions have run the entire gamut this past year. She has absolutley NO respect for me or my feelings. So, yeah, if I were you, I'd be angry. Angry in the fact that our W's are cowards and don't have the decency to level with us and have to have someone else "lined up," so to speak. Don't mind me, the anger hasn't dissipated yet.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

You have every right to be upset! When trust is there you would not think to look through her phone but when it is gone you find yourself asking questions about what went wrong. In turn you look through phones, facebook etc. I understand how that is. I am sorry about what you are going through, I just dont understand the wiring of certain people..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to find this guy's wife's number and call her. She deserves to know what she's dealing with.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you are getting divorced anyway, why make it an issue?

It hurts - it sucks - but it sounds like its ending anyway - right? So why go hunting around for info that won't HELP you, but will only make things seem worse. Do you think she will apologize? If so, do you think she'll really mean it? What would you gain from confronting her about this?

Start focusing on your new life - offer to help her pack and move so she's gone ASAP.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's an issue because you have information that is vital to that other family's well being. You and you alone can help save that marriage.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

turnera said:


> It's an issue because you have information that is vital to that other family's well being. You and you alone can help save that marriage.


That other family is going to thrive or crash, independent of what he does. He may speed their process along, but he cannot save the other marriage.

In this case I think cut your losses and move on with your life. I personally wouldn't get into another families drama. I know opinions on this differ - but I think if you are almost divorced just keep going and don't look back.


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## tc6872blue (Jan 18, 2010)

I'm still undecided about contacting the other persons wife and have not decided about what I was going to do about that. It's funny you mention that turnera because I made a point to say if this guy is so great shouldn't he be spending time talking to his wife? The blank stare and the typical response of "you just don't understand".

You're so right nice777 I know this is just quick fix for her and wonder how long it will take before she gets screwed over. The sad part is I know it's just a matter of time, but at this point I think she needs to learn the hard way. The part I have trouble with is that we have a 2 year old son together and that I have to worry if her stupidity messing him up. I sure hope not and I will do my best to keep that kind of crap away from him. 

Thanks for all the advice everyone!


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well only you can decide if you want to contact his wife about this. But I would tell your attorney. Her adultry may have a bearing in the final settlement. In Florida, we are a no fault divorce state, but the judge does have leeway to make financial decisions and in cases of cheating they can decide to give the cheater less of a settlement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So I gather that if a guy's wife knew her husband was screwing your wife, you wouldn't care if she let you know or not?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: I agree with NotaClue. Do consider whether or not to contact the OM's wife and decide for yourself, but I would encourage you to consider that she may not know that your wife intends to try to steal her husband. To my mind, it doesn't have to be mean and angry--just factually informative: "Hello my name is tc6872blue and my wife works with your husband. Yesterday I saw my wife's cell phone, and she had been text messaging 'I love you' back and forth with your husband. I just thought I would inform you of the fact so that you can know what's going on and make an informed decision, and I am so sorry to have to let you know. Bye."

Further :iagree: I agree with NotaClue that you should inform the attorneys/judge. Most states ARE no-fault and will not consider an affair as regards to ending the marriage, but it MAY be pertain to the division of property or to custody. No, judges do not say "Oh the affair parent can not have custody" but it might be part of what is considered when weighing who should have custody and how much. I would encourage you to go for a minimum of 50/50 custody and you be the father who gets his children off to school, etc. You can do it!


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thank you Affaircare, all I am saying is that the decision to contact the wife is TC's and it's soley his decision to make. I will not pretend to decide that answer for him. All I can say is that if you decide to contact the other wife you had better be 100% correct or you could find yourself the target of a civil suit. 

As far as no fault states, you are correct that it does not mean anything regarding the end of marriage, but it makes a big difference to judges in states like FL, where the judge has a lot of leeway. I was told that judges look pretty closely at custody and child care issues when cheating is involved.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

tc6872blue said:


> It's funny you mention that turnera because I made a point to say *if this guy is so great shouldn't he be spending time talking to his wife? * The blank stare and the typical response of "you just don't understand".


BINGO!!!

:iagree:

And yes - I think I would want to know if someone was screwing my wife. I go back and forth - as do many people - on this issue.

I'm just thinking run away and don't look back. You contact the OM's wife and she might start calling you - asking questions - want to know what you know, how you found out, etc., Or she may immediately hang up and go shoot the idiot.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Your anger is understandable.

I tried to do things "methodically" like you but of course, your wife will probably "rebel" and not do things that way. I said, "I would like to mourn our relationship and not date for about 3 months while going through the divorce. Would you at least be on board with that?"

Of course, no reply. . .so I proceeded to at least honor the marriage that way, even if she didn't. After 3 months, I told her she was free from any emotional bounds and I could date, and she could date.

(of course, it's a free country. . .she can do what she wants)

Anyhoo. . .I am pretty sure my wife went out on a date before the 3-4 months. Whether she slept with him or not. . .who knows. I don't think so. . .but I think the point is, and maybe I am being gender biased a bit. . .is women often rebel against any feeling of being controlled or manipulated when I know all you are trying to do is protect each other's emotions. That's all I was trying to do.

My advice is if she's doing as she pleases, then just do as you please. 

PS: 97% of divorce cases settle. . .so thinking you'll get your day in court over her cheating is probably a fantasy. Most judges don't care, they've heard it all before, and maybe it will affect the decision. . .if you get that far.

I just wouldn't go basing any decisions off of getting your day in court.


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## tc6872blue (Jan 18, 2010)

Thank you all the advice everyone and as you mentioned scanner I will not pursue the issue with the courts because it just won't matter. Colorado is a no fault state, so I really don't think it will matter much in the long run.

It's funny how like yourself scanner I have no desire to jump right back into things and want to honor the marriage. I've been doing a lot of internet reading (let's be honest who doesn't want to find the solution to the problem and fix it right away) and came across a very interesting article mentioning that usually the person who wants the divorce (wife) never spend anytime working on themself because the feel they have done nothing wrong. Usually they move right into another relationship (my wife), go out partying more and think that running away from their problems will end the unhappiness. What do you know usually within a short period of time the same issues come back and it turns into a revolving door. Why is it the people you care about the most won't listen to you when you know what is going to happen? I guess it takes hitting rock bottom to see things more clearly!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

tcblue,

After I posted, I think I did kind of make a gender-biased (sexist) statement - of course, nobody wants to be told what to do, especially in divorce, where one party (or both) gets that feeling of emancipation.

I know the spirit of what you were trying to do - honor of the marriage, at least while it lasted, not "control" her. And maybe it *is *sexist of me to notice that about women but nowadays I think there's more of a "rebellious" nature to women during divorce vs. a devastation, maybe b/c women don't define themselves through marriage as much anymore (which maybe is a good thing/bad thing).

Anyway, you'll find at this forum many of the stories echo each other and yours echoes mine.

I just erased a long post comparing your story but there's no use in me hashing my story out to compare to yours. . .just know it's similiar. 

I do ponder if this isn't a female Generation X "trend" - to be the first generation of women who valued marriage less than men.


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## tc6872blue (Jan 18, 2010)

So today was quite and adventure. My soon to be ex and myself still live together and are about 1/3 of the way through our divorce and as I had mentioned before noticed some texts from some other guy she works with saying she loved him. I knew things were still going on with her, but I had no idea until today. This morning she had logged into her laptop and for some reason was trying to keep it shielded from me. I found that kind of odd and shortly there after she went upstairs to shower and left her computer on. So I did the wrong thing and started snooping knowing I would probably not like what I found and I was right. So now instead of texting the two are emailing through work. Then I found an email stating "I miss you so much and I'm ready to give myself to you completely". WTF! Our divorce is not even final yet! He of course responds back with the same, but the kicker is that this ass is the COO of her company! So my question is do I try and contact him, but more important do I contact his wife because he's married as well? Plus he's 20 years older and he's married to wife number 2 now. 

Do I let my ex fall hard because I think we all know what will happen, or do I stay out completely? My biggest concern is that I do not want this ass around my 2 year old son, but I also know there's little I can do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, print out what you have. And put it where she can't find it and destroy it.

They work together? Then, no, you don't contact him. You contact their company's (1) Human Resources Manager; (2) Vice President; and (3) President. You tell them, in writing, that there is a workplace affair going on at their work, using company resources, and that, if they don't want to be involved in a lawsuit, you advise them to look into the situation and separate the two people. Companies HATE threats of lawsuits. This is your #1 way to stop the affair.

The #2 way to stop the affair is to call the POS OM's wife. Call her TODAY! This often stops the affair cold turkey. 

But before you do that, download and install a keylogger on your wife's computer so you'll have records of all her activities emailed to YOUR computer. You'll need that evidence, if they don't stop the affair.

Then, at the same time that you call his wife, you call your wife's parents and siblings, and tell them she's having an affair, and ask them for help. Ask them to call her and tell her they are not pleased with her actions (if that's what they believe; don't try to tell them what to think; just ask for help).

The BEST way to stop their affair is for everyone to know about it. Suddenly, it's not so exciting, thrilling, fun - it's embarrassing. You have the upper hand here now. Use it wisely.


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