# Husband's sudden disinterest in sex



## MrsWestRox (Apr 24, 2012)

First time post. Maybe this belongs in the Sex section but I thought I'd start here.

Married a long time, both husband and I are in our late 50's. he has always had a high libido, mine has always been lower. We have struggled with this through our marriage.

We drifted apart due to a lot of reasons. He had an affair about 5 years ago. We've done marriage counseling and he has done individual therapy. I told him what I needed in the marriage (closeness, conversations, touching without expectations of sex) to make it work and he has made a serious effort to fill those needs.

He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change. 

About six months ago, he stopped asking for sex. Since he had the affair, he has been open about everything and I'm 99.9% sure he's not having sex with someone else (I think the other ladies out there know once it has happened your guard is up and mine has been).

When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.

Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You told him what you needed/wanted from the marriage and you stated that he is putting forth the effort to make that happen. 

He told you what he needed/wanted from the marriage but yet you are not trying to meet him half way. I understand you say you have the lower sex drive and always have. BUT compromise in a marriage is a must. 

Have you talked with a counselor about why you might be the lower sex drive? Have you talked to a counselor about the affair he had before? Have you talked to your medical doctor about trying some supplements or something that might could help boost your sex drive some? 

OR, do you feel you have pretty much just checked out of the marriage emotionally/physically? Your husband has told you what he needed/wanted, its up to you if you ignore that or not. If you truly feel you can't bring yourself to have sex with him or at least try, then maybe you all need to go your separate ways.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy, I'd say that yes, you're being overly optimistic that things will not repeat. I would even say that you're overly optimistic that things HAVEN'T happened already, but. I don't know why you're so confident.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

So you expect him to change but you refuse to do the same?

He probably stopped asking out of frustration. People will only give so much, and when there is no return on thier efforts, they realize there is no point in giving anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

My question to you is, what do you want from the marriage? 

If you do not want sex with your husband, are you alright with the fact that he could have another affair? If you're not ok with it, here is my suggestion, either try to meet him half way with some things. Show him you are putting forth some effort, or divorce him. 

Its not fair to him nor you to live this way.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change.
> 
> About six months ago, he stopped asking for sex. Since he had the affair, he has been open about everything and I'm 99.9% sure he's not having sex with someone else (I think the other ladies out there know once it has happened your guard is up and mine has been).
> 
> ...


Serious questions. What about him having sex with someone else bothers you? What about him not asking for sex any more bothers you?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm with TAG. :scratchhead:

Why is it bothering you that he's stopped asking? 

I think it's reasonable to expect he'd go get his needs met elsewhere. You told him flat out you weren't going to. What is he to do with that?


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## Introubledeep (Mar 22, 2012)

From my experience (as a man), when a wife/partner continuously refuses to be sexually intimate with her man, the message received by the man is LOUD AND CLEAR, "She does not love me or want me or accept me". I would suggest that is where you are really at, you really don't love him, want him, or accept him. 

If that is the case, then you should not be surprised if he decides to do something about it (I wish to stress here that I am not condoning infidelity, but you need to face up to the reality that very often there are significant reasons for a man to stray).

A normal healthy man can not live without a sexual outlet, it is an inescapable biological/physiological need for a healthy man to ejaculate at least once or twice a week. This is not just something he would like, it is a need. Sex drive for men is firstly a bilological need, and then in second place an emotional need. If a man is deprived of a healthy sexual release such as an intimate relationship with his wife/partner, then he will need to find an alternative...not might...he WILL...GUARANTEED!

I would suggest that he has almost certainly found some other outlet, perhaps just pornography and masturbation, perhaps seeing prostitutes, or having casual sex with strangers, or he is having an affair. If he isn't having an affair, I would just about guarantee that he is thinking about it.

It is pointless suggesting that you have sex with him against your desire or will, this is not going to help. If you love him, then I would suggest that you need to consider ways to meet his needs, but only if you love him and you want to give to him as an act of love. If you don't love him, and you aren't willing to meet his needs, then why continue the relationship? 

It is unfair and unreasonable to expect him to live out the rest of his life with you in a celibate life. When a man gets married he promises to live a monogomous life, not a celibate life. If you love him, work to find a solution to meet his sexual needs in an acceptable way for both of you. Perhaps you need some professional help with your lack of libido, and if that is the case then get some help. If you don't love him enough to make an effort to meet his needs, then be upfront with him and end it.

If you don't make a determined decision to solve this issue, he will, but it probably won't be the solution that you would like.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

A sexless or passionless marriage is no justification for an affair. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either weak or selfish.

That said, maybe your husband has come to the realization that if you don't want sex with him, he doesn't want it with you. It's no fun having sex with someone who does not also want it. Might as well be masturbating.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> First time post. Maybe this belongs in the Sex section but I thought I'd start here.
> 
> Married a long time, both husband and I are in our late 50's. he has always had a high libido, mine has always been lower. We have struggled with this through our marriage.
> 
> ...


The ball is in your court. Perhaps it's time that you feign interest in sex and try for once, to initiate it with him
We reap that which we sow.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> First time post. Maybe this belongs in the Sex section but I thought I'd start here.
> 
> Married a long time, both husband and I are in our late 50's. he has always had a high libido, mine has always been lower. We have struggled with this through our marriage.
> 
> ...


You demonstrated to your husband that your needs are important and his needs are not. That can lead to resentment that will weaken or kill your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have no marriage.
You refuse to meet his needs.
Trying to meet a wife's needs, while not getting yours met is a very frustrating way to live. He is certain to find happiness somehow, without you.... through Divorce, adultery or prositutes.


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## MrsWestRox (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks for all your responses.

I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.

Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> *Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?*


*
*
Did you read any of the responses that were written to your post? :scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


Masturbation is not the same as sex. Heck, SEX isn't even the same as intimacy! Sex is how men connect and stay connected emotionally with their partners. There's plenty of reading in these forums, and books that have been recommended to learn what sex means to a man.

If someone isn't getting their intimacy needs met by their partner, they have two options. Do without, end the marriage, or cheat. The doing without will cause frustrations and resentment to build over time, often leading to one of the other two options. Then you have the "rock and the hard place"... Cheat or leave. There might be financial reasons to not leave the marriage, or kids, or whatever. But if someone's "reasonable" intimacy needs aren't being met, the marriage "contract" is already broken.

I'm speaking as someone who cheated on their spouse. I'm not blaming my wife for what I did; it was entirely my decision to find someone outside our marriage for sex. And I truly wish I would have just ended the marriage before going down that path, in particular because I ended the marriage shortly after my affair. 

I don't see how him doing without sex is a compromise. Compromise would imply meeting somewhere in the middle. Where's your give on this situation?

C


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


There is no compromise. Maybe he has accepted you never wanting sex with him, and his solution is to go outside the marriage for it. I think it's ridiculous that you expect him to live like a monk and deny both himself AND YOU the pleasure of sex and orgasms for eternity.

Why stay married to him if this is your view? He wants a wife that wants him physically. There's nothing wrong with that. You want him to accept you without accepting him at the same time. You can't have it all your way and maintain a healthy marriage. It doesn't work that way.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

MrsWestRox said:


> When I asked him about his lack of interest in sex, he told me that expecting sexual intimacy in our marriage and not getting it is much more frustrating than resigning himself to the fact that he's in a sexless marriage. At the same time, I've noticed that the conversation and closeness is starting to wane.
> 
> *Am I setting myself up for him having another affair?*


No, you're setting *him* up for another affair.

What I don't understand is if you're "not into sex", then what do you care if/where he has sex? He took a vow of marriage, not a vow of celibacy.

I'm not surprised that the conversation and closeness is going away. I pulled away exactly the same way once I realized just how "not into sex" my STBXH is. Why should I pour my heart out to someone that isn't ever going to love me the way I need to be loved? I quit the cuddling--it wasn't ever going to go anywhere and being close only reminded me what wasn't happening between us. Once that was gone, the rest didn't seem as important to me either. I have my girl friends to confide and hang out with, why do I need a "lover" that doesn't love?

It took a couple of years to come to the decision, but eventually I found I just couldn't live like that. My new place is ready for move-in three weeks from now....and I CAN'T WAIT!!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


That is not a compromise. Compromise typically involves both parties giving up something. In this case, you give up nothing, while he gives up everything. So it is clearly not a compromise.

You did not answer the other question, so I will ask it again: why are you upset with the idea of him having sex with someone else? One way to view your actions is that you are insisting that your husband never have sex again. Not saying you thought of it that way, just noticing that is the result. Why do you want that? Is that fair to him?


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

MrsWestRox said:


> He told me that he needed sex in the marriage to make it work. To be honest, I'm just not interested, never have been and probably never will. We've talked about it *but I just feel he shouldn't expect me to change. *


Did you even "hear" yourself as you wrote this? Why should he not expect you to change? Having a sexless marriage is no marriage. To answer your question, "Yes" you are setting yourself up for another affair by your husband.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

MrsWestRox said:


> My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.


He might be able to get his immediate sexual gratification met but certainly not his intimacy needs. If this is truly all your doctor told you, then you have an idiot for a doctor. I suspect, however, that your doctor does not know the full depth of the situation and was speaking in terms of a very short term fix.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

MrsWestRox said:


> But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex?


He did. So he's no longer asking.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Mrs WR
I give you credit for posting and asking...
some of us can even relate to what you are saying, perhaps.

I would like to make a comment that maye it's not about you changing... but maybe it's about you being open to experiencing life.

There is a reason why you are not interested. Have you ever explored the reason? I ask... because it's a natural desire for the human body, and it's an expression of intimacy that cannot be replaced by anything else. At the age of 50, a woman's body changes. It can be common to lose interest in sex. 

There could be many reasons, only you would know the real answers.

Do you have no interest in sex at all, or just no interest with your husband? I think that is a very important difference.

And I wanted to comment that I replied to your post as I felt sorry for you. There is a huge world of possibilities, love, intimacy, closeness, feelings, and happiness that you have shut out. Life as a tiny glimpse of what it is really meant to be. 

There is nothing else that makes a distinction between friends and love as sexual intimacy does. Without the real intimacy, the relationship is no more deep as a puddle in the mud when compared to the roaring sound of the ocean. 

Both will wet your toes if you stick them in, but only one will touch your soul.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


Is that a serious post?
Why does your husband need to compromise away his need for sex? A marriage is a sexual union. Whatever doctor told you to tell your husband to masturbate should have his license taken away.

If you value your marriage, and the life it affords you, the bottom line is you should value your husband's emotional needs and meet them. If you don't your life and marriage will be a trainwreck (which you can see has already occured).

Your choice: Have a marriage including sexual fulfillment with your husband or have no marriage. It's really that simple.


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## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

Sadly it's an all too true story, wife cuts the sex and expects husband to live with it. 

Cutting the sex off in a marriage is just the same as infidelity, you have been deceiving your husband, he thought he was entering into an intimate relationship with a woman he loved, and you went along with him, somewhere along the line you decided to change the rules on him, you most likely did not tell him that you changes the rules, you just did it, without thinking about your husband and his needs.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It's cruel.

I can only imagine how humiliating it's been to ASK for sex from your spouse, and be denied over and over again to add insult to injury.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? *Shouldn't that be his compromise*?


How is this a compromise. He wants sex but you don't so thats it? A compromise is he wants it once a day, you want it once a month so you two COMPROMISE and have it once a week. Heck, you won't even see the doctor that was recommended to you. Your not even trying.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise?


Would you prefer that he just start dating and bring his love interest home so you would know where he was while he was addressing his "disease"?
In this way, you can satisfy YOUR love interest which is ever so obviously YOU.:smthumbup:


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Welcome to TAM mrswestrox... the testosterone may well help...goodluck with that.

I have one questions... what is it you expect or want your H to do? 

From what I'm understanding you don't want to sex with him but you don't want him to have sex with another woman either and that he should just masturbate for the rest of his life...how sad and lonely for him. 

So you want him to live the rest of his life without real skin to skin sex? That's NOT a compromise that a sacrifice....what are you going to sacrifice?

He has made changes and effort to try to improve your relationship but you don't see why you should do the same?

I don't understand you or am i reading this wrong or missing something. To be honest your view seems incredibly selfhish and unloving. I'd be utterly heartbroken if my H felt that way about me and our sexlife

What are you expecting/wanting your H to do? Next week, next year...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Most men have sex with their wives as an expression of deep love for them. It is a common misunderstanding--many women think it's a selfish fulfillment of a need. Until you can wrap your head around this, you cannot begin to understand how painfully you've rejected him. 

Whether or not he's having an affair has nothing to do with it at this point. You've essentially told him, stop showing me love in the most profound and intimate way you know how.

I'm a woman by the way, and my libido was quite low at one time.

An affair is the LEAST of your problems, I'm afraid, and I say that with deep caring about your situation.


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## MrsWestRox (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks you for your comments. I have a lot to think about.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks for all your responses.
> 
> I have been to a doctor and she suggested testosterone and gave me the name of another doctor to see about it. I never made an appointment. My doctor also said that he could get his needs met by masturbation and I told him that.
> 
> Why does his not asking for sex bother me? Probably because I do feel it will lead to another affair. *But why can't he just accept that I'm not into sex? Shouldn't that be his compromise*?


I don't like to judge anyone but here you sound so selfish. There is only compromise if BOTH parties are willing to make a change. You're not into sex but it is obvious that he is, yet you deny him of his need. You expect him to give up sex for you, while you have given nothing in return. 
By the way, your doctor is full of sh!t...his needs will not be met by masturbating. Men need to feel desired and need intimacy also, can't get that from five minutes in the shower masturbating.  What a cold proposition that is for the poor man.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MrsWestRox said:


> Thanks you for your comments. I have a lot to think about.


If I had to guess, I suspect there is still a lot of unresolved resentment over your husband's affair. You took him back, but in retunr expect him to compromise by not having sex since you don't want or need it anymore. I think you need to deal with that.


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I don't even know how to resond to this it seems so ludicrous. 

It comes down to this. He wants a wife and someone to love. You want a friend. There is no way for both of you to be happy in this relationship unless you meet in the middle. NO WAY.

You are being extremely selfish, and a terrible wife. You might be the best friend in the world and extremely good to him...... but your sure as hell not being his wife.

He will get more resentful, and it will deepen until not only does he no longer love you... but he will dislike you. Cheating will be a very likely outcome as he won't care any longer about hurting you. After all... why should he.... you don't care about hurting him. And yes.... you ARE. Eventually, given the oppertunity he will most likely leave.

Those are the simple facts. It's not about him accepting you the wa you are... or writing off his needs in favour of yours... etc etc etc. This is not some fairly book movie where the princess is paralyzed and the prince takes care of her forever with nothing in return.

Real life. You want him to meet your needs.... your not interested in his because they conflict with yours. Selfish, self defeating, and terminal thinking.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> I don't even know how to resond to this it seems so ludicrous.
> 
> It comes down to this. He wants a wife and someone to love. You want a friend. There is no way for both of you to be happy in this relationship unless you meet in the middle. NO WAY.
> 
> ...


 Well said!! :iagree:


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