# I can't accept what's happening



## racingheart76

Hey Guys,

I've been reading this forum for 2 months now. Reading about infidelity is all I do. Looking for happy stories to give me some kind of hope on a future with my wife.

Here's my story (cut short)...

I met my wife 10 years ago. We were married 9 years ago. We have 3 wonderful children aged 5 and twins who are 2 (all boys). It was love at first sight. From the day I met her, I never fell out of love with her for a second. We have been through a lot together over the years, and I felt we were as close as a couple could be.

Over the past 8 months, things started to change. She became extraordinarily obsessed with her appearance. She's a stunningly beautiful woman (just turned 33), and is very fit and healthy. Her obsession with gym was becoming a problem because she was spending a great deal of time there. She's always found it hard to make friends, but she had made some really great friends there so that was a good thing. But it took over to the point she wouldn't miss gym for ANYTHING. 

I noticed she'd become quite fond of the owner of the gym, and her husband. She was actually getting a little competitive with the owner and compared herself with her a lot. I thought nothing of it really. But then I started to notice she was spending lots of time with the husband. We talked about it, and I was starting to feel like something was going on. Lots of phone calls and messages etc... then she put the lock on the phone, and it was always on silent. 

Cutting a long story short.. in December, I discovered she'd been having an EA with him, for at least 4 months, which turned into a PA. I was shocked and my whole world (as most of you know how this feels) completely came to a stand-still. My initial reaction was anger, and I asked her to stop seeing him at once. She didn't want to. I think that hurt me more than the affair itself. She said she was confused and didn't know what or who she wanted anymore. 

I've spent the past 2 months dissecting our relationship. I know I've been busy with work, and the kids have been a handful. But she hasn't had to work and I've given her a great lifestyle where she doesn't have to worry about money, and hasn't had to work. Although she's is very smart, and I think just simply got bored, and I do know she loves attention. 

She won't go to MC with me, and spends every spare waking moment with him. I moved out in January, and I come home 3 days a week to look after the kids. She disappears for those days and is with him. And when she's with the kids, she gets in babysitters most nights and they go out for dinners or whatever. She even has the kids in full-time day care now. 

The sad part for her is, she lost ALL of her friends - as they were all also friends with his wife. So really, she has him and her mother (who is supporting her decisions) to talk to. I've been trying to wait things out, and started a 180. She gives me hope sometimes and we spend hours talking where she seems like she misses me and our life but she says her feelings for him are very strong also. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. 

I've told her I'd forgive her, and work on us with an MC and never hold this against her. I just get the feeling she strings me along so I keep supporting her financially - she spends a LOT of money on herself. I discovered that she has gone on a trip with him this week, after she promised it was with a girlfriend. It made me sick. I paid for the entire thing. that's where I got mad. Finally I hit anger. So I've cut her off completely - except for paying all of the house, car, bills, food etc etc. But not a single cent for her to go on spending sprees. This made her very angry.

She never used to be like this. It's like she's a completely different person. I know all about affair fog etc etc.. she's been so cruel, but I still love her - I just can't stop. 

Do they (women) ever come back? Or is it always when it's too late and you move on? I wake up some days thinking today is the beginning of my new life. But I know deep down, I'm just kidding myself and I really want to reconcile. She says no right now. But is that just the fog speaking?

Sorry for the ramble. I miss her. I miss my family. I miss my life.


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## Wazza

You can't control her coming back or not.

If she won't go to marriage counselling, and won't spend time with you, it's kind of hard to fix things. She's not being truthful. You've already moved out. 

Who is paying for the kids to be in care and so on? I'd definitely stop funding ANY of her infidelity. It might make her wake up.

But if she did come back, how would you ever trust her? If you want to reconcile, at some stage you have to answer that question.


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## Humble Pie

Stop paying for this woman! That is a big mistake, you are paying for their vacations together! Even the car, bills to the house, move your 3 kids in with you, and leave her be get her out of the fog and back to reality, you will see how fast her boyfriends leaves her when she becomes dependent soley on him.


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## Will_Kane

You seem like a very patient guy who's willing to wait and do whatever it takes.

Her affair with this new guy will eventually run its course. Sooner if you force her into reality, get her to move in with this guy.

She has that very intense "in love" feeling with this guy. That feeling lasts 2-3 years, tops. After that, she likely will stay with him for another few years until she comes to the realization that she is not in love with him anymore. At that point, she may reminisce about you and all the good times you had and contact you, and cheat on him with you. So, on your present course of being patient, waiting, pining, and hoping, you may have her back in 6-7 years, IF she doesn't find some other guy to fall in love with when she's done with this one.

What may work sooner, is if you stop being so available to reconcile. In her mind, she might as well pursue this affair, because you are not going anywhere anyway. She knows when she's done with her affair, you will be there. So why should she end it while she's still having so much fun? Plus, if she reconciled with you, this other guy probably wouldn't be so understanding as you are and he would just move on and forget about her, not tell her he was willing to wait it out like you. So, putting you on hold really is the smart play for her at this point.

What are your thoughts on being available to reconcile? Do you think it shows her how much you love her and she will come to her senses?

What are your thoughts on telling her that she has one day to come back and work on your marriage, or you will file for divorce and go through with it and, if she wants to reconcile, she can try to win you back after the divorce?

Have you thought about taking a harder line against the affair? The soft approach doesn't seem to have worked very well.

Also, have you considered that her actions are completely beyond your control and that no matter what you did before or do now, that she still might have left you?

My opinion is that you should forgive yourself for whatever you did or didn't do in the past, learn from your mistakes, and begin to move on without her. File for divorce, detach from her, move on with your life. Don't expect her to come back.


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## racingheart76

Thanks guys.

I deeply would like to reconcile with her yes. But I have started to think about how I'd feel moving on and finding someone who would love me and never do this to me.

I guess I've been soft because I know her, and I know that being hard on her would actually push her away more. She's a little more complicated than any woman I've known before. Very poor self esteem from things that happened to her when she was young.

I do love her, and I would be able to forgive her. But maybe you're right. Maybe she really has just turned the switch off on us and will never look back. 

When I have spoken to her about her affair she does spend a lot of time putting him down to me. Complaining about him and his personality and compares him to me a lot. This confuses the hell out of me. 

I do know her actions are 100% beyond my control. I can only control what I do. I want to move on, but I don't. I don't want to meet someone and then her come back... I know I'd want to reconcile which would then mean I'd be breaking someone else's heart.

Does it happen? Do they ever really come back? Or am I dreaming about something that just isn't going to happen?


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## HappyHubby

racingheart76 said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> I deeply would like to reconcile with her yes. But I have started to think about how I'd feel moving on and finding someone who would love me and never do this to me.
> 
> I guess I've been soft because I know her, and I know that being hard on her would actually push her away more. She's a little more complicated than any woman I've known before. Very poor self esteem from things that happened to her when she was young.
> 
> I do love her, and I would be able to forgive her. But maybe you're right. Maybe she really has just turned the switch off on us and will never look back.
> 
> When I have spoken to her about her affair she does spend a lot of time putting him down to me. Complaining about him and his personality and compares him to me a lot. This confuses the hell out of me.
> 
> I do know her actions are 100% beyond my control. I can only control what I do. I want to move on, but I don't. I don't want to meet someone and then her come back... I know I'd want to reconcile which would then mean I'd be breaking someone else's heart.
> 
> Does it happen? Do they ever really come back? Or am I dreaming about something that just isn't going to happen?


I've never dealt with infidelity on either end of my relationships but reading stories like this one literally makes me rage inside.

First this is not your fault but your weak reaction to it must have undoubtedly made her lose some respect for you. It also allowed her to continue affair without worrying about actually losing you. 

Now she talks to you about him as if you were her girlfriend... shes probably putting him down out of pity for you so you dont feel so bad. FRICK MAN. This is YOUR wife.. your WIFE. YOUR WIFE. GET MAD! GET STRONG. UNFORGIVING! put her in her god damn place. and him too! 

If it were me I would have broken his legs already.. but.. please dont do that.. it would be a mistake. lol but it should be what you really really want to do. 

You have to wake her up from the fog by divorcing her, telling her you will not accept her treatment of you and you wont be her friend either. She is no friend to you. Tell her that. AT least you get self-respect back for sticking up for yourself.. trust me there is nothing you will want more than that if she ultimately doesn't come back to you (heck even if she does). 

Give her access to as little money as possible... see if you can reduce that number some more..

Oh and again file for divorce immediately with infidelity as the stated reason. 

you have to start making some noise, some moves.. start rattling the cage. Maybe that will help get her out of the fog.


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## racingheart76

Thanks Happy Hubby. I have actually turned a corner since this little get-away of hers with him. The days leading up to her leaving, she was starting to talk about making a big mistake, and being so sorry, and telling me how wonderful I am etc etc... and assured me she was seeing a girlfriend. The minute I found out about her lying to me about going away with him, I really switched from being so confused and sad - to anguish.

I've emptied the accounts as far as I can, which she reacted to not so well. Also, I've ignored all of her texts and phone calls (unless they are about the kids). Tonight she just texted me telling how sorry she is for everything and how she's such a bad person and I don't deserve it. I'm ignoring this stuff completely. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know she's mentally in a bad place ATM. I did vow "sickness and health". I feel like this is all a sickness. I don't know. It's just going on and on and the deceit has been as bad as I could ever have imagined possible from her.


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## AngryandUsed

Are you considering exposing OM to his wife (ie. gym owner)?
Are you considering exposing your wife to both your and her families?

This is too early to decide on R with her.
Take time........

By the way, how did you confirm the EA/PA, how did you confront her? What was her initial reaction?


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## betrayed2013

My situation was different, but i know the feeling of being cheated on. Its the worst feeling i've ever had. Shes still not into the marriage as much as before and I cant say for sure if she is in contact with another guy. If she is, its thru her phone. My wife wrote me a letter in early december, stating things I already heard her say and that she doesnt want to seperate but doesnt want to keep hurting me and she'll never forgive herself for what she has put me thru. The end of the lettter said "my fear is if this goes all to hell, you'll end up hating me" So I said youre damn right i'll resent the hell out of you. You will have destroyed my marriage, family and everything i've worked for my entire life up to this point. I told her if she wants to leave, then leave. I think its a mistake and I dont want her to but i will not stand in the way of her leaving. SInce then, she has changed for the better. Not as affectionate as i want, but shes in a much better mood and we do have sex a couple times a week which shes into again and we kiss all the time. So put ur foot down and lay down the law. Mine isnt in a fog anymore and if u give her a dose of reality and tell her u will not be a part of this anymore, maybe it will wake her up.


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## AlphaHalf

The "sickness" she has is choosing to F#%k another man behind your back and using your money and enabling behavior to stay "healthy" for her OM. 

Realize this, She is no longer the women you thought she was earlier in the marriage. She is capable of lying to you about everything. Her ACTIONS(not words) have been telling you that she doesn't RESPECT YOU, THE CHILDREN AND THE MARRIAGE. 

You cant stand aside and "nice" her way back into being faithful to you. You stood around to long and enabled her to feel entitled for her actions because you didn't have strong boundaries in your Marriage.

You must be willing to play hardball and file for divorce to show her the consequences her actions. If this doesn't snap her out of her decision then you know she is beyond reconciliation. You have to protect yourself and the children first.


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## Will_Kane

Look at the other threads. There's not a lot of success here. Most of the posters come here too late after the situation has gone too far. Look at CarlF's thread. His wife is begging for another chance, only AFTER she was served.

File for divorce. She won't come back to you until you do. She may not even then. There is no guarantee either way, but if it's going to end, at least end it with some dignity and self respect.


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## racingheart76

They have been fully exposed to everyone. They don't seem to care which is quite sad.

I'd file for divorce, but I can't here in Australia. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can do that. Is there anything else apart from what I'm doing (little contact, restricting finances) to help clear her head?


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## Wazza

Will_Kane said:


> Look at the other threads. There's not a lot of success here. Most of the posters come here too late after the situation has gone too far. Look at CarlF's thread. His wife is begging for another chance, only AFTER she was served.
> 
> File for divorce. She won't come back to you until you do. She may not even then. There is no guarantee either way, but if it's going to end, at least end it with some dignity and self respect.


I've seen several reconciliations in my time on TAM, and I have successfully reconciled myself, so I am less pessimistic than you, Will. But this one will not do that unless she has a change of heart. And rebuilding is a long, slow road with no guarantees.

OP, yes the vow included sickness and health, but also "forsaking all others". She has broken the vow so I think you are free to decide whether or not to stay.


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## Will_Kane

Keep up with talking to her only about the kids and the future divorce settlement. Make it clear that you are done with her and moving on. That would be the equivalent of filing for divorce.

Do not enable her affair in any way. If you are going to pay bills, YOU pay them. Talk to a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities in this situation. I wouldn't even want to give her money for food, I'd rather just place an order, have them deliver it, and you pay for it. Keep cash out of her hands so she has no discretionary money to spend on her phone, her internet access, or any other thing she uses to conduct her affair. If she is a stay-at-home mom, let her do her job. Stop paying for day care so she can dump her kids and see the other man. Stop paying for her gym membership. If you've paid in advance, cancel it and request a refund. If the gym is certified or licensed in any way, complain about it to the licensing authority.

You mention that she went on a trip with other man and she paid her own way? He didn't even pay for her? You also mentioned that other man is the husband of the owner of the gym where your wife met him. What does he do for a living? Is he co-owner? Why didn't he pay for your wife on this trip?

This stuff (detaching and moving on) only works if you are believable. And there is no guarantee. But if she thinks you will back out if she gives the word, then it will not work. If in the past when she said "jump" you said "how high," then she's going to think the same will happen in the future.

Tell her you are done, moving on, and plan to start looking around for her replacement. Buy some new clothes for yourself, get in a little better shape, go out on a few casual dates.

Make her life as uncomfortable as possible and let her start to worry about what you are doing.

The ultimate goal is for you to feel better about yourself and better about moving on. It just happens that the thought of the loyal spouse really moving on makes the cheaters really fear losing something they thought they would never lose. If you really start to do this, you can expect her to be upset with you for it. She honestly expects you to sit and wait for her forever, or until she files for divorce from you, whichever comes first.


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## jfv

Do not take her back. At this point you will forever be Plan B. 

Do you think of yourself as someone's back up plan? 

If not move on and don't repeat these mistakes with the next one.


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## cpacan

racingheart76 said:


> They have been fully exposed to everyone. They don't seem to care which is quite sad.
> 
> I'd file for divorce, but I can't here in Australia. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can do that. Is there anything else apart from what I'm doing (little contact, restricting finances) to help clear her head?


Have you filed for separation then? Also, is there a reason you moved out? She wants to be single, she moves out. I also think you can tighten finances further.

Besides from that, detach yourself completely from her, you may Google "How to detach yourself emotionally".

Sending you strength.


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## ThreeStrikes

RH, you mentioned that you got angry.

My advice: Stay MAD!

Use your anger as fuel for the upcoming, unpleasant actions/decisions you will have you make. Your WW is disrespecting you in the worst way possible. Show everyone, and yourself, that you still have some self-respect and dignity! Show your wife that her behavior is not acceptable, and that it's time for her to make a hard choice: You or OM. No more fence-sitting!

First. Start packing up her stuff. Garbage bags work well for this. Old cardboard boxes, too. Drop her stuff off at OM's house.

Second, start the separation process. You get full custody of the kids. She has essentially abandoned them by putting them in day care and hiring baby sitters, all so she can feed her addiction to POSOM.

Thirds: Hard 180. No Contact unless she needs to discuss the separation process. In fact, direct her to call your attorney. The 180 is for you to detach, not to win her back.

Your wife is a big-time cake eater. Time to take away her cake. Show her what life will be like without you and her family.

The Unified Theory of Cake

If you haven't already, expose the affair to your families/friends.

You think that by taking a hard-line approach you will push your WW further away. That is unlikely. She is not unique, as much as you might think otherwise. I don't care if she had issues with her upbringing. She is behaving like every other typical cheater: Entitled, cake eating, selfish, addicted. Her behavior can be influenced if you follow the advice given here. 

Your wife is chemically addicted to OM. In order to break the addiction, you have to take extreme measures. 

You have to be willing to walk away. The one who can do that controls the relationship. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

For what it's worth, my WW didn't come out of her fog until I filed, moved out, and cut off her finances. Now she wants to reconcile. Gee whiz....the advice on this forum was spot-on! Unfortunately, it took my wife's 3rd affair before I found this place.


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## Chaparral

Move back in tell her to get out. Do the 180. Here is a link, it can't be posted.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Get the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER or download it now. It is not a sex manual as the title implies but a realtionship guide for men. You will see how she became attracted to someone else.

CUT OFF ALL HER MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Chaparral

By the way, ask your lawyer if you have any legal recourse against the gym. Make this as difficult as possible for them both. Does he still work at the gym? Put up your own little picket line with your kids.


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## ThreeStrikes

Cripes. Didn't realize you had moved out. Go back! Then kick her out. Hopefully they haven't been fvcking in your house!

Also, stop trying to dissect your relationship. Her cheating is not as complicated as you think. It's not your fault. You sound like a problem-solver. Your problem is that you married a cheater. It's not your job to figure out why she is a cheater. Don't waste your mental energy on that crap. I spent months doing that. It's a colossal waste of time and mental energy...mental energy that should be spent on moving on.


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## ThreeStrikes

RH,

Realize that no loyal spouse can compete with the high of an affair. You have no chance.

The affair must end before the addiction fog will lift. Right now, you can forget it.

Stay mad. Take the steps that must be taken to end your marriage. It's your only hope to send her a wake-up call. And, you may find that when/if she does come to her senses, you will not want her back.


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## Gabriel

Well, you've let this woman trample all over you, and she's starting to feel guilty. What a saint she is. 

I agree with the posters that suggest you take a hard line stance here, or else she'll just continue to have both of you in her stable.

What you are doing is being REALLY weak. You are in Australia, and I'm not familiar with the culture there, but from what I've gleaned I kind of thought men there were pretty alpha. You are acting beta and it's very unattractive. 

Find your balls. How the heck do YOU move out when SHE's acting like a floozy? UFB.


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## Jasel

Gabriel said:


> What you are doing is being REALLY weak. You are in Australia, and I'm not familiar with the culture there, but from what I've gleaned I kind of thought men there were pretty alpha. You are acting beta and it's very unattractive.


This. No one is saying beat on her but you made the same mistakes a lot of men make when they catch their wives having an affair. Trying to be nice, immediately offering to reconcile/forgive/work on the marriage etc, trying to "not be too mean and scare her off", coming off as needy/weak, avoiding confronation, etc. Unless it has to do with seperating, divorce, or the kids DO NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING WITH HER. Sounds like you're finally moving in the right direction though.

You can't control what she does or what she thinks but you can influence her. If your goal is to help "clear her head" then you need to start showing her that her actions have hard consequences. That reality trumps the fog she's living in. That you're not going to be a wishy-washy doormat she can rely on as a supportive safety net while she can go around ****ing other men and run back to if she changes her mind.

I'd start by kicking her ass out of the house and starting the seperation ASAP. Seperate your finances and don't pay ANYTHING for her. Do not talk about your marriage, your relationship, your feelings and how hurt you are, etc. If she offers to work on the marriage you make it clear to her that SHE has to prove to YOU that she's willing to put in the effort with more than just words and token promises. And this is probably the most important: DO NOT MAKE THREATS OR GIVE ULTIMATUMS YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO BACK UP!! IT LOOKS WEAK, YOUR WIFE WILL RESPECT YOU EVEN LESS, AND NOT TAKE YOU OR YOUR THREATS SERIOUSLY.

Now is the time to "man up" so to speak if you want to have a shot at saving your marriage. Or at the very least maintain some dignity and self-respect.


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## LetDownNTX

racingheart76 said:


> Hey Guys,
> 
> I've been reading this forum for 2 months now. Reading about infidelity is all I do. Looking for happy stories to give me some kind of hope on a future with my wife.
> 
> Here's my story (cut short)...
> 
> I met my wife 10 years ago. We were married 9 years ago. We have 3 wonderful children aged 5 and twins who are 2 (all boys). It was love at first sight. From the day I met her, I never fell out of love with her for a second. We have been through a lot together over the years, and I felt we were as close as a couple could be.
> 
> Over the past 8 months, things started to change. She became extraordinarily obsessed with her appearance. She's a stunningly beautiful woman (just turned 33), and is very fit and healthy. Her obsession with gym was becoming a problem because she was spending a great deal of time there. She's always found it hard to make friends, but she had made some really great friends there so that was a good thing. But it took over to the point she wouldn't miss gym for ANYTHING.
> 
> I noticed she'd become quite fond of the owner of the gym, and her husband. She was actually getting a little competitive with the owner and compared herself with her a lot. I thought nothing of it really. But then I started to notice she was spending lots of time with the husband. We talked about it, and I was starting to feel like something was going on. Lots of phone calls and messages etc... then she put the lock on the phone, and it was always on silent.
> 
> Cutting a long story short.. in December, I discovered she'd been having an EA with him, for at least 4 months, which turned into a PA. I was shocked and my whole world (as most of you know how this feels) completely came to a stand-still. My initial reaction was anger, and I asked her to stop seeing him at once. She didn't want to. I think that hurt me more than the affair itself. She said she was confused and didn't know what or who she wanted anymore.
> 
> I've spent the past 2 months dissecting our relationship. I know I've been busy with work, and the kids have been a handful. But she hasn't had to work and I've given her a great lifestyle where she doesn't have to worry about money, and hasn't had to work. Although she's is very smart, and I think just simply got bored, and I do know she loves attention.
> 
> She won't go to MC with me, and spends every spare waking moment with him. I moved out in January, and I come home 3 days a week to look after the kids. She disappears for those days and is with him. And when she's with the kids, she gets in babysitters most nights and they go out for dinners or whatever. She even has the kids in full-time day care now.
> 
> The sad part for her is, she lost ALL of her friends - as they were all also friends with his wife. So really, she has him and her mother (who is supporting her decisions) to talk to. I've been trying to wait things out, and started a 180. She gives me hope sometimes and we spend hours talking where she seems like she misses me and our life but she says her feelings for him are very strong also. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster.
> 
> I've told her I'd forgive her, and work on us with an MC and never hold this against her. I just get the feeling she strings me along so I keep supporting her financially - she spends a LOT of money on herself. I discovered that she has gone on a trip with him this week, after she promised it was with a girlfriend. It made me sick. I paid for the entire thing. that's where I got mad. Finally I hit anger. So I've cut her off completely - except for paying all of the house, car, bills, food etc etc. But not a single cent for her to go on spending sprees. This made her very angry.
> 
> She never used to be like this. It's like she's a completely different person. I know all about affair fog etc etc.. she's been so cruel, but I still love her - I just can't stop.
> 
> Do they (women) ever come back? Or is it always when it's too late and you move on? I wake up some days thinking today is the beginning of my new life. But I know deep down, I'm just kidding myself and I really want to reconcile. She says no right now. But is that just the fog speaking?
> 
> Sorry for the ramble. I miss her. I miss my family. I miss my life.


I havent read all the responses to this yet but Im sure its been mentioned. Me mentioning it one more time cant hurt but WHY are you out of the house and letting her live there and why are you paying for everything while she plays? She is going to keep cake eating as long as you are making it easy for her. She cant have all that stuff if she isnt working. And I guarantee you that the OM isnt going to want to take care of her the way you have. He has his own wife/family to take care of.

BTW, what happened with the OM and his W?


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## LetDownNTX

racingheart76 said:


> Thanks guys.
> 
> I deeply would like to reconcile with her yes. But I have started to think about how I'd feel moving on and finding someone who would love me and never do this to me.
> 
> I guess I've been soft because I know her, and I know that being hard on her would actually push her away more. She's a little more complicated than any woman I've known before. Very poor self esteem from things that happened to her when she was young.
> 
> I do love her, and I would be able to forgive her. But maybe you're right. Maybe she really has just turned the switch off on us and will never look back.
> 
> When I have spoken to her about her affair she does spend a lot of time putting him down to me. Complaining about him and his personality and compares him to me a lot. This confuses the hell out of me.
> 
> I do know her actions are 100% beyond my control. I can only control what I do. I want to move on, but I don't. I don't want to meet someone and then her come back... I know I'd want to reconcile which would then mean I'd be breaking someone else's heart.
> 
> Does it happen? Do they ever really come back? Or am I dreaming about something that just isn't going to happen?


They do come back, once reality sets in! It can happen, the thing is do you want that? Do you want to always worry about what she's doing and where she is? If she's secretly talking to someone?

I had the same fear as you did about being "mean" and pushing my WH away more. I was such a push over...for years!! It wasnt until I started standing up for myself and showing him that I would be fine without him that he came around. While I whined cried and begged he was doing what he wanted to do knowing that he had me right where he wanted me. It wasnt until he thought I might be gone that he realized what he would be losing.

Its a terrible thing to go through. Hurts to the core but its been said on here many times you have to be willing to lose them to get them back.


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## barbados

Do you really want to have a woman back in your life that would abandon her own little children like this just to get laid ?? 

5 year old and 2 years old twins ?? REALLY ????

She even put your children in daycare to spend more time with the POSOM ??? WITH YOUR MONEY ??? WTF !!

She is now a cancer. Separate and begin D as soon as is allowed in your country. And if there is any way you can get sole custody, then do it.

If you reconcile with this woman she will do this to you again in the future with someone else.


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## LetDownNTX

Next time Im going to read everything before I respond. I just start reading and get so aggravated that I cant wait..lol

I agree with Will...cut off all her money, cancel her gym, the daycare, etc. Make her get a job if she wants those extras. Pay the bills yourself and dont let her have any money. People that dont have jobs dont have money for fun stuff!! You are afraid of pushing her away but she's already lied to you repeatedly and told you she doesnt know what she wants. Make that decision for her.


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## Kallan Pavithran

What will you do, if she came back crying saying she hurt you it was a mistake and she is in love with you? You will take her back on the spot without any resistance. She knows this, this is the thing which give her the courage to make you a cuckold and a doormat.

You need not worry about loosing her she will comeback when her OM realize that her meat don't have the hotness as before. It may take a year or two wait till then (if she dint find anyone else). But she will be back to you only because OM dumped her or the fun of A weird out not because she loves you or respect you or the marriage.

You treated everything in a wrong way, it helped her to continue belittling you, continue her *** fest with OM with your money. You enabled her with your passiveness and acted like a needy, self respect less man. The story may have been different if you acted like a real man and asked for a separation/Divorce when she was not ready to end contact with OM. She may have realized that you may not be there as a backup plan. She may have feared loosing you. She may have snapped out of her fog.

Atleast now act like a real man. do the 180 and file for Separation/D. Safe guard your children and money. She will try to manipulate you by being lovey dovey but don't cave in. Let she come back to you begging on her knee.

Any way why you wanted to be with her? She is not a good wife or a good mother. What kind of mother keep her children with babysitter and run to her OMs dik.


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## Shaggy

First, Move back into your house and resume your role as father. 

Second, stop paying day care for the kids until she moves out. If she's home. She watches the kids.

Third you take over paying all the bills, not event a cent for her.

She can sleep on the coach or spare room.

Fourth, are you serious that the owner of the gym doesn't care that her husband is having sex with your wife? Really?


----------



## survivorwife

LetDownNTX said:


> Next time Im going to read everything before I respond. I just start reading and get so aggravated that I cant wait..lol
> 
> I agree with Will...cut off all her money, cancel her gym, the daycare, etc. Make her get a job if she wants those extras. Pay the bills yourself and dont let her have any money. People that dont have jobs dont have money for fun stuff!! You are afraid of pushing her away but she's already lied to you repeatedly and told you she doesnt know what she wants. Make that decision for her.


:iagree:

True. If she has to focus on supporting herself and the children, putting food on the table etc., she will have less time to focus on her infidelity, especially if she has to work to pay for that as well.


----------



## racingheart76

Wow thanks for the comments guys. I really feel like I'm starting to move in the right direction. I never EVER thought this stuff would ever happen to my marriage. I guess I didn't really ever think about it, and didn't know how to react or how to handle the situation. But I think toughening up is certainly the right way to go from what you all say. trust me when I say I'm not usually a push-over. I'm quite strong in most ways, but I felt I was doing the right thing for not just trying to save what I felt was worth saving, but for my kids too. I'm not from a broken home, and I could never have imagined my little guys growing up without a loving mum and dad together. But this is a reality I now face.

His wife does know about it all, and they are separating. From what I know their marriage was over for a while. They just lived together for convenience. He's also a co-owner of the gyms. I'm not sure how financially secure he is, but I'm about to find out. She no longer has access to her Amex black card, and I have shifted everything away from her to ensure she can't just go crazy like she used to on spending. I would never want her to come back for the lifestyle... I would only want her to come back because she genuinely missed me and the kids.

I will be moving home again as soon as my short-term lease runs out on my apartment. Although we're sharing our home now anyway, I will kick her out as she's the one who's checked out on "us", and I'll live here full time. I only moved out originally because I felt if I gave her space she might have time to think about things. But she just uses all of that time to run around with him. 

One of the things I'll definitely be cutting will be daycare. There's no reason at all for her to have it. She is a Mum, and does not work. So there's no reason. I know that will hurt. And I want the kids to be at home if they can... not with strangers looking after them.

I had some messages from her tonight. She's about to return from her trip. They were:

"How are you doing with the kids?" (I ignored that)

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. i'm a piece of sh!t" (I ignored it)

Then tried to call a few times

"r u going to ignore my calls all week? It's ok I would too " (I ignored that as well)

Tried to call a few more times

I finally just wrote back "I have nothing to say to you".

Honestly, I actually really don't have anything to say to her anymore. I think this final betrayal where she was supposed to go away and actually THINK about things, and spend the whole time with OM instead really sealed the deal for me.


----------



## LetDownNTX

racingheart76 said:


> Wow thanks for the comments guys. I really feel like I'm starting to move in the right direction. I never EVER thought this stuff would ever happen to my marriage. I guess I didn't really ever think about it, and didn't know how to react or how to handle the situation. But I think toughening up is certainly the right way to go from what you all say. trust me when I say I'm not usually a push-over. I'm quite strong in most ways, but I felt I was doing the right thing for not just trying to save what I felt was worth saving, but for my kids too. I'm not from a broken home, and I could never have imagined my little guys growing up without a loving mum and dad together. But this is a reality I now face.
> 
> His wife does know about it all, and they are separating. From what I know their marriage was over for a while. They just lived together for convenience. He's also a co-owner of the gyms. I'm not sure how financially secure he is, but I'm about to find out. She no longer has access to her Amex black card, and I have shifted everything away from her to ensure she can't just go crazy like she used to on spending. I would never want her to come back for the lifestyle... I would only want her to come back because she genuinely missed me and the kids.
> 
> I will be moving home again as soon as my short-term lease runs out on my apartment. Although we're sharing our home now anyway, I will kick her out as she's the one who's checked out on "us", and I'll live here full time. I only moved out originally because I felt if I gave her space she might have time to think about things. But she just uses all of that time to run around with him.
> 
> One of the things I'll definitely be cutting will be daycare. There's no reason at all for her to have it. She is a Mum, and does not work. So there's no reason. I know that will hurt. And I want the kids to be at home if they can... not with strangers looking after them.
> 
> I had some messages from her tonight. She's about to return from her trip. They were:
> 
> "How are you doing with the kids?" (I ignored that)
> 
> "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. i'm a piece of sh!t" (I ignored it)
> 
> Then tried to call a few times
> 
> "r u going to ignore my calls all week? It's ok I would too " (I ignored that as well)
> 
> Tried to call a few more times
> 
> I finally just wrote back "I have nothing to say to you".
> 
> Honestly, I actually really don't have anything to say to her anymore. I think this final betrayal where she was supposed to go away and actually THINK about things, and spend the whole time with OM instead really sealed the deal for me.


Im so very proud of you and the strength you are showing right now. Its so hard but you are doing a great job. You standing strong and FIRM will get you more results then being a push over!!

Take care of your kids and let her throw her life away!


----------



## racingheart76

PS. The fact that this seems so textbook and common, and that humans can treat others this way makes me sick  Especially to those they claim to love and cherish.


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## ThreeStrikes

Racing, do her a favor and pack her stuff. That way it is waiting for her when she gets back from her sex-trip with POSOM. Tell her to move in with OM. If he's separating (who told you this? can you trust this info?) he should have his own place. Time for her to get a hard dose of reality without you footing the bills. I wonder if POSOM's wife is taking him to the cleaners in their divorce. I hope so.

Move back now. Don't wait until your lease is up. Move back now, but keep paying on your lease until it expires so you get your security deposit back and maintain your credit. You're paying for both places anyways...just move back home and claim your territory.

Ideally, when she gets home, you are settled in at home and you have her sh!t packed in garbage bags.


----------



## DevastatedDad

Dude, I would move on if you can make yourself do it.

If you really want her back, your best chance is to ignore her.
Hell even date someone else.

Her new relationship will most likely fail. She will lose the only thing that she has left (him) and likely come crawling back to you at which point you can start making some demands.


But really. Do you want to go through this pain again. Try and move on.


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## tom67

Yep tell her to move in with the om. Show her you are moving on. Do not support her affair financially and let that reality hit her hard.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

That trip should be the last straw for you to move back into your home as shaggy stated, and file for separation.

Some cheaters keep doing what they were doing because they have been exposed and are already known as cheaters. They take advantage of that and act remorseful, knowing their actions to be wrong, yet they keep doing it because they have not the will to recommit themselves to their faithful spouse.

Desensitization of the conscious is what your wife has done. She knows its wrong, is remorseful but cannot truely return to you because her current capacity to fathom the damage makes it impossible. She needs to go through withdrawal, she may turn angry but when all that is passed she will realize the hurt and it may take months, years, or never if they persist in their cake eating life styles.

R requires the demolition of the previous marriage, ridding its old laws, ways etc and a preparation and setting of a new and stronger foundation, new marriage with stricter rules of transparency, boundaries and priorities.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

duplicate post


----------



## Toffer

Call a lawyer nOW to see what your options are and what you can and can't do regarding throwing her out!

I'd consider keeping the daycare in place and telling her that she HAS to get a job NOW and pay for half the daycare and all other joint expenses IF she remains in the house

If she's oyt, she'll have to pay all of her own expenses like car payments, insurance, rent, etc!


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## SaltInWound

Toffer said:


> I'd consider keeping the daycare in place and telling her that she HAS to get a job NOW and pay for half the daycare and all other joint expenses IF she remains in the house
> 
> If she's oyt, she'll have to pay all of her own expenses like car payments, insurance, rent, etc!


I think making her work would be good punishment. Let her see that life is not easy.


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## survivorwife

SaltInWound said:


> I think making her work would be good punishment. Let her see that life is not easy.


But wouldn't a JOB interfere with her personal life? 

:smthumbup: :rofl:


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## HappyHubby

RH,

Happy and proud to see you've turned a corner. Do not deviate from your current mindset or the consistent advice you find here. These people know from experience exactly what to do for you to come out on top (with or without her). 

Another thing, I wouldn't worry about your current lease. Just move back. Its a sunk cost and you have to make your decision on the margin. The best thing to do is to immediately move back, set the rules of your home, throw all her stuff out of 1. the bedroom or 2. the house. That bedroom is for faithful marriage partners. She has no place there. Do it before she gets back. 

Again, forget about the lease $$, staying there won't get it back and staying there for another month doesn't add additional value to your situation. Kick her out! Tell her she can go live with her mother or OM.

-Cheers from Canada


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## bryanp

I believe your wife is quite honest. She said she was a piece of **** and she is totally correct. She is playing the victim card here.

There were initially no consequences to her actions so she continued to play you for a fool and claim she was so mixed up while screwing this guy. What you are doing right now is correct. 

My guess is that she will come back begging to you on financial grounds. I also think she engaged in this affair because she knew if she got caught you would forgive her so she had nothing to lose.

Get tested for STD's. Continue to ignore her and file for divorce when you are able to do so. She continues trying to play you but clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. Remember if you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Will_Kane

Agree, forget about the current lease, move back right away, move all of her stuff out of the bedroom, put her in a room as far away from the bedroom as possible, if you don't have a spare room, put her stuff in the basement or the attic.

I don't know what the laws are there, but no matter, you should ask her to leave.

If you have a son, you might try asking her, if your son found out his wife was cheating on him like she is cheating on you, what would be her advice to her son?


----------



## Will_Kane

A warning about credit cards: Find out who is responsible for the bills she could run up.

Here in the US, it is common for stay-at-home moms to get offers for credit cards, even though they have no income. They have been co-users on credit cards for years, have no delinquencies on their credit reports, and have always paid, so credit card companies will send them offers in the mail and will offer them credit if they apply.

It may be possible for your wife to get a card with quite a high limit. If she does, will you be liable? Is there some action you have to take, like a legal separation, in order for whatever debts she runs up to be considered hers in the divorce? Might be a good idea to consult a lawyer to protect yourself, if you can.


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## old_soldier

HappyHubby said:


> RH,
> 
> Happy and proud to see you've turned a corner. Do not deviate from your current mindset or the consistent advice you find here. These people know from experience exactly what to do for you to come out on top (with or without her).
> 
> Another thing, I wouldn't worry about your current lease. Just move back. Its a sunk cost and you have to make your decision on the margin. The best thing to do is to immediately move back, set the rules of your home, throw all her stuff out of 1. the bedroom or 2. the house. That bedroom is for faithful marriage partners. She has no place there. Do it before she gets back.
> 
> Again, forget about the lease $$, staying there won't get it back and staying there for another month doesn't add additional value to your situation. Kick her out! Tell her she can go live with her mother or OM.
> 
> -Cheers from Canada


Stay the course my man. Move back into your house NOW! Like today. Before she gets back home. Possesion is nine tenths the law. Change all of the outside door locks, pack up all of her crap in garbage bags, and I mean everything, and put it on the front porch with a big Blue Note on it saying somthing like "worthless tramps not welcome here". Get mad, very mad (not violent mad though). Stand up for yourself. In all the years I've been in the army I have known several Aussies, none of them were wimps. The Aussies I know are stand up guys. I know you are too. 

Be strong my friend, it's going to hurt for awhile, but you will come out on top, one way or another.


----------



## old_soldier

P.S. add to the note "When one chooses a behaviour, one chooses the consequences"


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## HappyHubby

I doubt that you can legally kick her out if she refuses to go but if she doesn't put up a fight (probably out of guilt) then no worries. If you show no signs of weakness she may not think about HER rights and know that morally she deserves to be kicked out.

That's what all that "I know Im a **** " stuff indicates.


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## terrence4159

If i was you i would file the seperation and move on you deserve better! she didnt only cheat on you she cheated on your KIDS!


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## walkonmars

She CAn have your rented flat. Then she pays her own way. Her or her OM.


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## Machiavelli

survivorwife said:


> But wouldn't a JOB interfere with her personal life?
> 
> :smthumbup: :rofl:


Not necessarily. IIRC, prostitution has been legalized in Australia.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

racingheart76 said:


> They have been fully exposed to everyone. They don't seem to care which is quite sad.
> 
> I'd file for divorce, but I can't here in Australia. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can do that. Is there anything else apart from what I'm doing (little contact, restricting finances) to help clear her head?


Do you have to be separated for 12 months to file for divorce or do you have to be separated for that long for a divorce filing to be finalized. Big difference. Is there such a thing as legal separation where you are?


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Toffer said:


> Call a lawyer nOW to see what your options are and what you can and can't do regarding throwing her out!
> 
> I'd consider keeping the daycare in place and telling her that she HAS to get a job NOW and pay for half the daycare and all other joint expenses IF she remains in the house
> 
> If she's oyt, she'll have to pay all of her own expenses like car payments, insurance, rent, etc!


Agree. It doesn't sound like you know what all your options are. What did I read about the UK? ... that separation of two years is required ... but that there are exceptions that make that waiting period much shorter, a physical affair being one. Unless you have filed for legal separation, I would guess that moving back in effectively ends the separation and may be an indication of forgiveness if her adultery is factored in with the divorce. What constitutes separation in your area? Simply living apart outside the legal process may not count. We can speculate all we want ... but you need to lawyer up.


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## jnj express

You need to file the legal seperation, or whatever needs to be done---to work toward the D

When she arrives home, have all her clothes, and sundries packed, and on the porch

If you wanna R, and at this point I have no idea why you would---but if you wanna R, she can only return home, under one circumstance---NC, with her lover in any way shape and form---with your wife being completely transparent---and that may not work, as if she really wants him, she will just go underground

Tell her no matter what as you have said---she will take care of the children, while you work---that is non-negotiable

Stay dark on her, and give her no money for anything---let her lover pay for her------reality will bring that house of cards down very fast, as I am sure he already has his own expenses, and doesn't want to add your adulterous wife to his expense list

Do not be mean if you must speak to her---just be cold, unemotional,


----------



## racingheart76

Thanks again for the advice everyone. Today has been another good day for me. She's back, and started calling and texting me. I've managed to completely ignore her. She does know that if she asks me anything about the kids, I will always reply. So she started asking stupid little questions to at least get a reaction from me. So I wrote her an email in point form of everything she needed to know about the kids while she was away. That way she wouldn't need to contact me again until I go back to see them early next week.

I would kick her out except for one reason only. And that is I feel the kids need at least a stable place to live. They do need their Mum (even if she's not there all day with them), but they do need to be with her, and they do need to be with me. For now, I would like to keep them in their home they know. That is why we are sharing the place. While I am getting my affairs in order I'll keep it this way. Maybe for a couple of more months. Then when I've sorted everything out an I'm protected legally and everything is in order, I'll ask her to leave.

We have registered the fact that we are properly separated now. She did that before I even thought of it actually. I'm sure there was something (like some kind of welfare payment) in it for her, otherwise she wouldn't have done it.

I hate seeing her name on my phone every time she messages me. I feel sick wondering if it's a nasty message, or something to get some kind of reaction out of me. Just trying to take it one day at a time.


----------



## Humble Pie

Your doing a good job! Its understandable why you wouldnt want to rattle the house dynamics right now, as your children are young, but as you clearly stated, she puts them in daycare, and has babysitters over most night to run around at night with POSOM. So that is something to think about. Wouldnt you want to be with your kids everynight rather than a babysitter?

Also, you should take full control the handling the bills towards the house, and somehow manager the groceries while she has your kids, i advise not to let this woman have any funds, and that you control everything now.


----------



## racingheart76

Humble Pie said:


> Your doing a good job! Its understandable why you wouldnt want to rattle the house dynamics right now, as your children are young, but as you clearly stated, she puts them in daycare, and has babysitters over most night to run around at night with POSOM. So that is something to think about. Wouldnt you want to be with your kids everynight rather than a babysitter?
> 
> Also, you should take full control the handling the bills towards the house, and somehow manager the groceries while she has your kids, i advise not to let this woman have any funds, and that you control everything now.


Yes, you're right about me wanting to be there with them. When we were all together, I used to think of the chores after coming home from work and having to bath, feed etc etc... now I look at it as spending time with them. I really do love them dearly.

It's funny.. as soon as I started cutting things off she abused me saying I was being "controlling" and said it just makes her know she's doing the right thing. I've never, EVER been controlling in any way shape or form. I have shortcomings, but I've never been abusive or controlling.

She just texted me again accusing me of spreading rumors about her - which I did NOT do. I couldn't help it. I finally bit. Short and sweet. I called, and angrily stated I haven't told ANYONE about her little getaway, and she's paranoid and to LEAVE ME ALONE!! I shouldn't have. But she's really pushing my buttons.

Why can't she just let me be.


----------



## cpacan

racingheart76 said:


> Yes, you're right about me wanting to be there with them. When we were all together, I used to think of the chores after coming home from work and having to bath, feed etc etc... now I look at it as spending time with them. I really do love them dearly.
> 
> It's funny.. as soon as I started cutting things off she abused me saying I was being "controlling" and said it just makes her know she's doing the right thing. I've never, EVER been controlling in any way shape or form. I have shortcomings, but I've never been abusive or controlling.
> 
> She just texted me again accusing me of spreading rumors about her - which I did NOT do. I couldn't help it. I finally bit. Short and sweet. I called, and angrily stated I haven't told ANYONE about her little getaway, and she's paranoid and to LEAVE ME ALONE!! I shouldn't have. But she's really pushing my buttons.
> 
> Why can't she just let me be.


It's to test if you care for her, she got her answer - you clearly do. You have come far already and have turned a corner or two - taking some control back, good work. Don't worry about your reaction.

Now, learn to detach, practice, practice.


----------



## Will_Kane

racingheart76 said:


> It's funny.. as soon as I started cutting things off she abused me saying I was being "controlling" and said it just makes her know she's doing the right thing.
> 
> She's really pushing my buttons.
> 
> Why can't she just let me be.


She wants this guy back (from your first post):

_"I've told her I'd forgive her, and work on us with an MC and never hold this against her. I just get the feeling she strings me along so I keep supporting her financially - she spends a LOT of money on herself. I discovered that she has gone on a trip with him this week, after she promised it was with a girlfriend."_​
She will say or do anything to get that guy back. For whatever reason, she is not ready to leave you for him or she would have done it already. Maybe he won't take her. Maybe she doesn't want to give up the lifestyle you provide. Maybe she likes the idea of you being there in case this new thing doesn't work out, after all. Probably all of the above. You can expect her to pull out all of the stops to get what she wants. She'll say anything, if only she could just get you to go back to being that guy from your post. Around here, it is called "cake eating."

The chumplady explains cheaters very well:

The Unified Theory of Cake

Ego Kibbles


----------



## WyshIknew

racingheart76 said:


> Wow thanks for the comments guys. I really feel like I'm starting to move in the right direction. I never EVER thought this stuff would ever happen to my marriage. I guess I didn't really ever think about it, and didn't know how to react or how to handle the situation. But I think toughening up is certainly the right way to go from what you all say. trust me when I say I'm not usually a push-over. I'm quite strong in most ways, but I felt I was doing the right thing for not just trying to save what I felt was worth saving, but for my kids too. I'm not from a broken home, and I could never have imagined my little guys growing up without a loving mum and dad together. But this is a reality I now face.
> 
> His wife does know about it all, and they are separating. From what I know their marriage was over for a while. They just lived together for convenience. He's also a co-owner of the gyms. I'm not sure how financially secure he is, but I'm about to find out. She no longer has access to her Amex black card, and I have shifted everything away from her to ensure she can't just go crazy like she used to on spending. I would never want her to come back for the lifestyle... I would only want her to come back because she genuinely missed me and the kids.
> 
> I will be moving home again as soon as my short-term lease runs out on my apartment. Although we're sharing our home now anyway, I will kick her out as she's the one who's checked out on "us", and I'll live here full time. I only moved out originally because I felt if I gave her space she might have time to think about things. But she just uses all of that time to run around with him.
> 
> One of the things I'll definitely be cutting will be daycare. There's no reason at all for her to have it. She is a Mum, and does not work. So there's no reason. I know that will hurt. And I want the kids to be at home if they can... not with strangers looking after them.
> 
> I had some messages from her tonight. She's about to return from her trip. They were:
> 
> "How are you doing with the kids?" (I ignored that)
> 
> "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. i'm a piece of sh!t" (I ignored it)
> 
> Then tried to call a few times
> 
> "r u going to ignore my calls all week? It's ok I would too " (I ignored that as well)
> 
> Tried to call a few more times
> 
> I finally just wrote back "I have nothing to say to you".
> 
> Honestly, I actually really don't have anything to say to her anymore. I think this final betrayal where she was supposed to go away and actually THINK about things, and spend the whole time with OM instead really sealed the deal for me.


I don't know, perhaps it's just me but it almost sounds like she is taking the piss with those texts.

Perhaps your wife and OM were sat somewhere laughing together as she sent those texts.

He must feel mighty good right now, getting to fvck your wife while you pay for it all.
Some of these guys get off on that, gives them a real power trip.


----------



## WyshIknew

If it is any consolation to you relationships born of affairs rarely last.



Taken from this site.
Affairs and Infidelity


•The affair is not your fault. Even if you made mistakes, your partner had other choices. They could’ve been honest with you about how they were feeling. They could have left you before they broke your trust. 
•70% of marriages that experience affairs do NOT end in divorce.
•When people leave their marriage for their affair, the new relationship rarely survives (3 to 7% survive).


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

WyshIknew said:


> He must feel mighty good right now, getting to fvck your wife while you pay for it all.


Just another humiliation of cheating that the WW doesn't get.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

WyshIknew said:


> If it is any consolation to you relationships born of affairs rarely last.
> 
> 
> 
> Taken from this site.
> Affairs and Infidelity
> 
> 
> •The affair is not your fault. Even if you made mistakes, your partner had other choices. They could’ve been honest with you about how they were feeling. They could have left you before they broke your trust.
> •70% of marriages that experience affairs do NOT end in divorce.
> •When people leave their marriage for their affair, the new relationship rarely survives (3 to 7% survive).


Does that 70% include marriages where the infidelity is never caught? Wonder how they arrive at that number.


----------



## Eöl

I can give you some input. I worked on the question. What happened to your wife ? that is the main question. The answer : it is mainly chemical my friend. Her hormones partially control her mind. You should read this book : "The Female Brain" by Dr. Louann Brizendine (a women by the way). Women are chemically more unstable than we are. To understand what they are is to understand how they act, that is key in understanding what happened. It is utterly sad to say that some women think they act according to their desires, but in reality the chemicals in them trigger those desires... The only thing we can do, is avoiding them from getting those desires. How ? by getting them out of their routine. By making each day a different day. Being a good husband, taking care of the house etc... is a good thing but it is NOT what will turn women on sexually, many males think so. WRONG. What turns them on is mystery, imagination, novelty, not having us under control, and challenge. If you are under her control, that's the end of the story, she will look out of the box, regardless of what she has, because she knows you will accept it to some extent and morever because there is no challenge for her, therefore she will seek for one


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

She is pushing your buttons to make sure that you will be there for her to provide her life style, when OM dumps her. May be OM is not interested in a long term relationship with your WW, who want to be with such a horrible cheater?


----------



## SadandAngry

racingheart76 said:


> They have been fully exposed to everyone. They don't seem to care which is quite sad.
> 
> I'd file for divorce, but I can't here in Australia. You have to be separated for 12 months before you can do that. Is there anything else apart from what I'm doing (little contact, restricting finances) to help clear her head?


Yes, get your ass back into YOUR house, put all her stuff in garbage bags and toss them out the door and change the locks! You didn't step out, she did. Be strong for you, and for your boys!

Don't give her a cent. Cancel her credit cards, empty or close any joint accounts and get your own. Cancel her cellphone. She chooses not to be married, she does. Well then, you are not responsible for her. 

I'd say, yes, she is sick, but with this kind of sickness, there is nothing you can do until she chooses to work towards healthiness. That choice cannot be made with words, it MUST be evidenced by consistent, definitive ACTIONS on her part.

You want to read how to do this, read rookie's thread could you reconcile. Let that guide your actions for the next while.


----------



## WyshIknew

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Does that 70% include marriages where the infidelity is never caught? Wonder how they arrive at that number.


I also wonder about differences in gender. I assume the 70% is affairs in total, but the perceived wisdom is that men tend to drop their affairs and women tend to continue them. I'll look up some research.


----------



## SadandAngry

racingheart76 said:


> PS. The fact that this seems so textbook and common, and that humans can treat others this way makes me sick  Especially to those they claim to love and cherish.


Strangely enough, that fact right there is what will prove to be what saved me from giving up on my wife. It is so common, it has to be hardwired into humans to do it under certain circumstances. It is utterly and totally horrible, but it is completely human.


----------



## racingheart76

I have cancelled her cards. I have emptied the accounts to the point she'd have enough for food and basics for a couple of weeks. I've also started paying things (today) directly. I will go completely dark for another week to scare her a little more, then I'll write her a letter with how I'd like things to be moving forward. I'm sure there'll be a massive tantrum, but I really don't care. 

I'm angry. Finally - I'm angry.

I have started looking at her like a horrible demon of a person, rather than having her up on a pedestal thinking of her like she was the day we married. OMG she was an amazing woman back then. I loved her with all my heart. But the reality is she is now a completely different person. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Tonight was hard. 

Tomorrow being Valentines Day will be particularly difficult, and the following day will be our wedding anniversary. So 2 days of pain. I'm pretty sure she'll be running around with him and not thinking about me, so I'll have to really keep occupied. Anyone know of good ideas to keep your mind busy during times like that? :\


----------



## racingheart76

SadandAngry said:


> Strangely enough, that fact right there is what will prove to be what saved me from giving up on my wife. It is so common, it has to be hardwired into humans to do it under certain circumstances. It is utterly and totally horrible, but it is completely human.


Really? What happened with you guys? Did you save things SadandAngry?


----------



## WyshIknew

racingheart76 said:


> I have cancelled her cards. I have emptied the accounts to the point she'd have enough for food and basics for a couple of weeks. I've also started paying things (today) directly. I will go completely dark for another week to scare her a little more, then I'll write her a letter with how I'd like things to be moving forward. I'm sure there'll be a massive tantrum, but I really don't care.
> 
> I'm angry. Finally - I'm angry.
> 
> I have started looking at her like a horrible demon of a person, rather than having her up on a pedestal thinking of her like she was the day we married. OMG she was an amazing woman back then. I loved her with all my heart. But the reality is she is now a completely different person. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Tonight was hard.
> 
> Tomorrow being Valentines Day will be particularly difficult, and the following day will be our wedding anniversary. So 2 days of pain. I'm pretty sure she'll be running around with him and not thinking about me, so I'll have to really keep occupied. Anyone know of good ideas to keep your mind busy during times like that? :\


Well I'm no expert I'm afraid but the general concensus is to use that anger and exercise in some way, obviously a gym could be a bit of a trigger for you but if you can stand it this may be a good option. it also could help you feel good about yourself.
Some guys run, some use a punch bag, whatever floats your boat in that respect.

Someone like Mach would probably advise you more.

Use that anger, don't let it go to waste.

Check out some of the older posts, someone like Shamwow used exercise to his advantage.


----------



## SadandAngry

walkonmars said:


> She CAn have your rented flat. Then she pays her own way. Her or her OM.


No, she can't, it can sit empty. She can get a job and pay her own rent, or more likely, mooch of her enabling mother.


----------



## WyshIknew

Shamwow's threads.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ls-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/31388-go-time-time-go-sucks.html


----------



## racingheart76

WyshIknew said:


> Well I'm no expert I'm afraid but the general concensus is to use that anger and exercise in some way, obviously a gym could be a bit of a trigger for you but if you can stand it this may be a good option. it also could help you feel good about yourself.
> Some guys run, some use a punch bag, whatever floats your boat in that respect.
> 
> Someone like Mach would probably advise you more.
> 
> Use that anger, don't let it go to waste.
> 
> Check out some of the older posts, someone like Shamwow used exercise to his advantage.


Thanks Wysh. Funnily enough, because of her obsession with fitness I started going to gym about 18 months ago as well to try to keep myself looking ok for her. I haven't stopped and go daily. Although since I discovered the affair I have realllllyyyy stopped eating and lost a lot of the hard work I'd put in. But I do keep up the exercise. It is a little bit of a trigger, but I put my music on my iPod and work through the sadness.


----------



## racingheart76

SadandAngry said:


> No, she can't, it can sit empty. She can get a job and pay her own rent, or more likely, mooch of her enabling mother.


I agree with this. I REALLY don't want her having it easy. I think if anything, she'd love to have this place and get away from life. I really want him paying for her life now. OR for her to pay her own way.


----------



## bandit.45

Get out of the city, get out of town and go somewhere where you can be alone with the wind and the trees. Getting out and trekking and camping helped me during my problems. 

This will also make you unavailable to her. Just a suggestion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadandAngry

racingheart76 said:


> Really? What happened with you guys? Did you save things SadandAngry?


I have not posted my whole story. I am an exception, and I am not. I am 18 months past d day. We are in R. We are making progress. Things are better than they have ever been in many ways. There are parts missing that can never be retrieved, parts that feel like they will never heal. I did manage to nice her back into our marriage. I did go up against the full on affair, right at it's unrealistic pinnacle, and I won. I would never, ever recommend it. I got unbelievably favoured by circumstance. And I was well served by my own arrogance at the time. I was nice enough, long enough for her to recommit to the family. She did so just in time. Had she waited another couple of weeks, I would have walked. 

As it was, once the immediate crisis passed,my resolve started to crumble. It was slow but steady, and I slid into anger. I pushed the rage bit by bit. I helped her realize exactly what she had done, how much she had destroyed, thrown away for essentially nothing. I truly believe when she thinks of her affair the overriding tone is disgust, as it should be.

I spent 8 months cycling into and out of anger and disgust. If it weren't for the kids, I'd have gone, no question. I was tired of the constant anger, stress, fight or flight. I learned to let the rage pass through without building up and feeding on itself, but I'd still have to do it countless times everyday, and eventually I'd breakdown and verbally lash out.

I found this forum while looking for a better way to let the anger go. I started reading the stories. When you read enough, you realize they are all the same essentially. There aren't really exceptions, not even me. It wasn't really the nice that got my wife back, it was just a couple of key things I was strong on, and circumstances that occurred that made it as if I had taken a hard line in other ways. 

But the anger, the anger. One night I was on an upswing in the cycle, and I read in somebody's post an excerpt from a diagnostic manual about women's infidelity. It described my wife's actions and thoughts to a tee. And it clicked. Infidelity is a normal human reaction to a given set of circumstances. Highly disfunctional, but completely normal. It made it forgivable I suppose, esp. in light of all the actions my wife had taken to show that she was committed, that she was remorseful, that she took responsibility for her actions.

It still hasn't been easy. It is hard. Incredibly hard, and that's with both of us trying. Solving the problems we had before her affair would have been a cakewalk compared to what we are overcoming now.

Do not take a soft approach. Do not be to ready to forgive. Never forget. Do not trust blindly. Demand loyalty, honesty, and transparency. Verify independently. Do nothing to reconcile if she is still in contact with OM. Protect yourself and your boys to your utmost ability. She is a drug addict at this point, do not let her make any decision that is important, make your own.


----------



## Asian

Eöl said:


> I can give you some input. I worked on the question. What happened to your wife ? that is the main question. The answer : it is mainly chemical my friend. Her hormones partially control her mind. You should read this book : "The Female Brain" by Dr. Louann Brizendine (a women by the way). Women are chemically more unstable than we are. To understand what they are is to understand how they act, that is key in understanding what happened. It is utterly sad to say that some women think they act according to their desires, but in reality the chemicals in them trigger those desires... The only thing we can do, is avoiding them from getting those desires. How ? by getting them out of their routine. By making each day a different day. Being a good husband, taking care of the house etc... is a good thing but it is NOT what will turn women on sexually, many males think so. WRONG. What turns them on is mystery, imagination, novelty, not having us under control, and challenge. If you are under her control, that's the end of the story, she will look out of the box, regardless of what she has, because she knows you will accept it to some extent and morever because there is no challenge for her, therefore she will seek for one


So true!! I'm the good hubby and great dad to my kids but my before cheated now faithful wife don't get turned on sexually like used to but she was wetting her self for her unstable ex-junky young OM. Sad but true 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Grey Goose

Humble Pie said:


> Stop paying for this woman! That is a big mistake, you are paying for their vacations together! Even the car, bills to the house, move your 3 kids in with you, and leave her be get her out of the fog and back to reality, you will see how fast her boyfriends leaves her when she becomes dependent soley on him.


:iagree: NOW


----------



## Grey Goose

SadandAngry said:


> I have not posted my whole story. I am an exception, and I am not. I am 18 months past d day. We are in R. We are making progress. Things are better than they have ever been in many ways. There are parts missing that can never be retrieved, parts that feel like they will never heal. I did manage to nice her back into our marriage. I did go up against the full on affair, right at it's unrealistic pinnacle, and I won. I would never, ever recommend it. I got unbelievably favoured by circumstance. And I was well served by my own arrogance at the time. I was nice enough, long enough for her to recommit to the family. She did so just in time. Had she waited another couple of weeks, I would have walked.
> 
> As it was, once the immediate crisis passed,my resolve started to crumble. It was slow but steady, and I slid into anger. I pushed the rage bit by bit. I helped her realize exactly what she had done, how much she had destroyed, thrown away for essentially nothing. I truly believe when she thinks of her affair the overriding tone is disgust, as it should be.
> 
> I spent 8 months cycling into and out of anger and disgust. If it weren't for the kids, I'd have gone, no question. I was tired of the constant anger, stress, fight or flight. I learned to let the rage pass through without building up and feeding on itself, but I'd still have to do it countless times everyday, and eventually I'd breakdown and verbally lash out.
> 
> I found this forum while looking for a better way to let the anger go. I started reading the stories. When you read enough, you realize they are all the same essentially. There aren't really exceptions, not even me. It wasn't really the nice that got my wife back, it was just a couple of key things I was strong on, and circumstances that occurred that made it as if I had taken a hard line in other ways.
> 
> But the anger, the anger. One night I was on an upswing in the cycle, and I read in somebody's post an excerpt from a diagnostic manual about women's infidelity. It described my wife's actions and thoughts to a tee. And it clicked. Infidelity is a normal human reaction to a given set of circumstances. Highly disfunctional, but completely normal. It made it forgivable I suppose, esp. in light of all the actions my wife had taken to show that she was committed, that she was remorseful, that she took responsibility for her actions.
> 
> It still hasn't been easy. It is hard. Incredibly hard, and that's with both of us trying. Solving the problems we had before her affair would have been a cakewalk compared to what we are overcoming now.
> 
> Do not take a soft approach. Do not be to ready to forgive. Never forget. Do not trust blindly. Demand loyalty, honesty, and transparency. Verify independently. Do nothing to reconcile if she is still in contact with OM. Protect yourself and your boys to your utmost ability. She is a drug addict at this point, do not let her make any decision that is important, make your own.


RH if it helps you to know this, I spent a year separated, we had court hearings for our 2 year old and the day we were supposed to get divorced he begged for a second chance to the judge and my lawyer. Here both parties need to be in agreement so they gave him 45 days to see if I was willing to give him a chance to R. I would be lying to you if I did not say I did it mostly for my son and bc he said he would pay whatever needed if we had to go to court again.

We are in R, but it is awful hard work. My feelings are not completely back. For us it was one too many heart aches and one to many humiliations (H had an EA/PA with a co-worker/friend).I was already on my way to my new life, with moving to the US and everything. Contrary to your wife, I am a professional who is the main care and financial supporter of our son. 

We are trying - more him than I bc I found out about very painful things just 3 weeks ago and went back to very strong rage feelings. It is not easy and there are so many layers of complicated in R that I cannot say I recommend it. But my point is, they do not see us like anything else than doormats when we are nice, sparation and consequences helps them realize that the grass is not greener on the other side.

PS - You cannot ignore her or move on bc you want her back, you have to do it for you and for your children! Whatever happens later on is another story.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

racingheart76 said:


> I hate seeing her name on my phone every time she messages me. I feel sick wondering if it's a nasty message, or something to get some kind of reaction out of me. Just trying to take it one day at a time.


Change her name to "Ignore"


racingheart76 said:


> Why can't she just let me be.


Because she wants to control you. Everyone likes having a safety net. She sure does like blowing smoke up your a$$ lol.

You are on the right road. I see her life falling apart soon and hitting rock bottom once the honeymoon stage of the affair wears off.


----------



## Grey Goose

I am dying to know her reaction to the whole cutting her out of your money!


----------



## Grey Goose

Oh and here's a good story for you:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/66063-before-you-decide-leave-read-my-story.html


----------



## racingheart76

SadandAngry said:


> I have not posted my whole story. I am an exception, and I am not. I am 18 months past d day. We are in R. We are making progress. Things are better than they have ever been in many ways. There are parts missing that can never be retrieved, parts that feel like they will never heal. I did manage to nice her back into our marriage. I did go up against the full on affair, right at it's unrealistic pinnacle, and I won. I would never, ever recommend it. I got unbelievably favoured by circumstance. And I was well served by my own arrogance at the time. I was nice enough, long enough for her to recommit to the family. She did so just in time. Had she waited another couple of weeks, I would have walked.
> 
> As it was, once the immediate crisis passed,my resolve started to crumble. It was slow but steady, and I slid into anger. I pushed the rage bit by bit. I helped her realize exactly what she had done, how much she had destroyed, thrown away for essentially nothing. I truly believe when she thinks of her affair the overriding tone is disgust, as it should be.
> 
> I spent 8 months cycling into and out of anger and disgust. If it weren't for the kids, I'd have gone, no question. I was tired of the constant anger, stress, fight or flight. I learned to let the rage pass through without building up and feeding on itself, but I'd still have to do it countless times everyday, and eventually I'd breakdown and verbally lash out.
> 
> I found this forum while looking for a better way to let the anger go. I started reading the stories. When you read enough, you realize they are all the same essentially. There aren't really exceptions, not even me. It wasn't really the nice that got my wife back, it was just a couple of key things I was strong on, and circumstances that occurred that made it as if I had taken a hard line in other ways.
> 
> But the anger, the anger. One night I was on an upswing in the cycle, and I read in somebody's post an excerpt from a diagnostic manual about women's infidelity. It described my wife's actions and thoughts to a tee. And it clicked. Infidelity is a normal human reaction to a given set of circumstances. Highly disfunctional, but completely normal. It made it forgivable I suppose, esp. in light of all the actions my wife had taken to show that she was committed, that she was remorseful, that she took responsibility for her actions.
> 
> It still hasn't been easy. It is hard. Incredibly hard, and that's with both of us trying. Solving the problems we had before her affair would have been a cakewalk compared to what we are overcoming now.
> 
> Do not take a soft approach. Do not be to ready to forgive. Never forget. Do not trust blindly. Demand loyalty, honesty, and transparency. Verify independently. Do nothing to reconcile if she is still in contact with OM. Protect yourself and your boys to your utmost ability. She is a drug addict at this point, do not let her make any decision that is important, make your own.


Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I have been trying to nice her back. I've been firm on most things, but as your said there are things that lead them to do this, and I guess I just tried to love her and see her through whatever it is that she's going through. She's incredibly vain, beautiful, smart, but has extremely low self-confidence. She's been that way since I met her due to things that have happened to her during her upbringing. Her family is probably the biggest part of her problems.

BUT yeah... that approach was getting me the textbook responses everyone talks of. After her little get-away with OM, and the other things I've discovered, I realise how bad things really are. So moving on is the best thing I can do. And for the first time I'm really honestly starting to feel better in myself. My heart is still in my stomach all day, and there are PLENTY of triggers the constantly remind me of what's happening. But I'm slowly feeling better about there being light at the end of the tunnel. Which is going to be a happy me, and happy kids. One day. 

Next is sorting out how to divide everything up. That will stir some serious fighting :| The car she drives actually belongs to my company. I'm thinking about taking it back and getting her something really cheap, but safe (she still needs to get around with our kids). But she's driving around in luxury ATM. So that will be the first battle. I think I'll just tackle everything one thing at a time..


----------



## WyshIknew

racingheart76 said:


> Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I have been trying to nice her back. I've been firm on most things, but as your said there are things that lead them to do this, and I guess I just tried to love her and see her through whatever it is that she's going through. She's incredibly vain, beautiful, smart, but has extremely low self-confidence. She's been that way since I met her due to things that have happened to her during her upbringing. Her family is probably the biggest part of her problems.
> 
> BUT yeah... that approach was getting me the textbook responses everyone talks of. After her little get-away with OM, and the other things I've discovered, I realise how bad things really are. So moving on is the best thing I can do. And for the first time I'm really honestly starting to feel better in myself. My heart is still in my stomach all day, and there are PLENTY of triggers the constantly remind me of what's happening. But I'm slowly feeling better about there being light at the end of the tunnel. Which is going to be a happy me, and happy kids. One day.
> 
> Next is sorting out how to divide everything up. That will stir some serious fighting :| The car she drives actually belongs to my company. I'm thinking about taking it back and getting her something really cheap, but safe (she still needs to get around with our kids). But she's driving around in luxury ATM. So that will be the first battle. I think I'll just tackle everything one thing at a time..




The car she drives actually belongs to my company. I'm taking it back, she's driving around in luxury ATM.


There fixed it for you. Why the feck would you buy her a car?

Slap yourself, now!

She. Fired. You. From. The. Job. Of. Looking. After. Her.

She needs a car to get around with the kids? Well boo fecking hoo, let dipsh1t buy her a car, she should have thought about that shouldn't she, you can't look after her forever. She seems to have no consequences for her actions.

Take the car. Do not buy her another.

Look, if you want to be nice to her give her a week to hand back the vehicle and find *herself* another ride.


----------



## racingheart76

The only reason to stop me from doing that would be because she does need something to get the kids to school, and around. I know for certain she wouldn't be able to organise anything. 100% only for them.

Oh yeah... just got a text from her... "Happy valentines day, remember how special u r xoxo"

I made me sick


----------



## survivorwife

racingheart76 said:


> The only reason to stop me from doing that would be because she does need something to get the kids to school, and around. I know for certain she wouldn't be able to organise anything. 100% only for them.


Isn't it time for her to learn to take care of her needs? She can organize an affair, she can organize her new lifestyle, right?

While it's true that you may end up buying her a car (make sure YOUR name is on it), at least use this as a teaching lesson. Let her sweat over it and see if SHE can come up with a solution all by herself. And pick something practical, fuel efficient etc. It doesn't have to be pretty, just something for the purposes of running the kids around.

You control the money, you get to control the decision.


----------



## WyshIknew

racingheart76 said:


> The only reason to stop me from doing that would be because she does need something to get the kids to school, and around. I know for certain she wouldn't be able to organise anything. 100% only for them.
> 
> Oh yeah... just got a text from her... "Happy valentines day, remember how special u r xoxo"
> 
> I made me sick


It's up to you racing but I wouldn't get her a car. She wants to be with dipsh1t, let dipsh1t sort it out.

At the moment he is getting free pvssy, rides in a luxury vehicle and you're paying for everything.

Stand back, look at the scenario as though you were another person viewing a film. How fecked up would this look to you watching it as a film?

Is there no other way to get the kids to school?

Parents?
Car share with another family?

I'm afraid that whatever the reason I would not be supplying a car for her to go and fvck OM with.

You would have to prise the keys from my cold dead fingers.


----------



## Jasel

racingheart76 said:


> The only reason to stop me from doing that would be because she does need something to get the kids to school, and around. I know for certain she wouldn't be able to organise anything. 100% only for them.


Have you thought of hiring a babysitter to take them to and from school, etc? Which is most likely cheaper than buying a vehicle. Do NOT buy your cheating wife a car. I don't care if the thing is a broken down piece of junk from the 80s.


I also would still try to find some way to kick her out of the house. Don't let her use your kids as a hook to keep ****ing you over. Because as selfish and vain as she sounds she will. I'm not saying you have to keep your kids away from her 24/7 or not let her see them, but she needs to realize what she's doing has HARD consequences. 

Kick her out, let her stand on her own 2 feet for a change, let her see how little the OM will come through for her, and that your kids are not going to be her safety net to **** you around.


As long as she knows she can use the kids to get whatever she needs from you, especially a car and a roof over her head, things are not going to change with her. She is just going to keep cake eating and use your kids to do it if you go that route.


----------



## WyshIknew

survivorwife said:


> Isn't it time for her to learn to take care of her needs? She can organize an affair, she can organize her new lifestyle, right?
> 
> While it's true that you may end up buying her a car (make sure YOUR name is on it), at least use this as a teaching lesson. Let her sweat over it and see if SHE can come up with a solution all by herself. And pick something practical, fuel efficient etc. It doesn't have to be pretty, just something for the purposes of running the kids around.
> 
> You control the money, you get to control the decision.


:iagree:


----------



## WyshIknew

Jasel said:


> Have you thought of hiring a babysitter to take them to and from school, etc? Which is most likely cheaper than buying a vehicle. Do NOT buy your cheating wife a car. I don't care if the thing is a broken down piece of junk from the 80s.
> 
> 
> I also would still try to find some way to kick her out of the house. Don't let her use your kids as a hook to keep ****ing you over. Because as selfish and vain as she sounds she will. I'm not saying you have to keep your kids away from her 24/7 or not let her see them, but she needs to realize what she's doing has HARD consequences.
> 
> Kick her out, let her stand on her own 2 feet for a change, let her see how little the OM will come through for her, and that your kids are not going to be her safety net to **** you around.
> 
> 
> As long as she knows she can use the kids to get whatever she needs from you, especially a car and a roof over her head, things are not going to change with her. She is just going to keep cake eating and use your kids to do it if you go that route.


:iagree:


Consequences racing, consequences.


----------



## racingheart76

Ok. You guys are right. I'll start with the car, and give her notice about moving out. He's still living under the same roof as his wife, but I think he's planning on moving out very soon. Maybe this will force him to move out and they can just go shack up together. I do know legally, if I really want her to go, and she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. But I can just move back in and make it uncomfortable for her - which in turn will make her leave.

That message is annoying to me. Is ignorance really the best policy here? Doing my head in. It's so hard to believe that only a few months ago her writing me a message would still bring a smile to my face and I'd never, EVER dream of ignoring it - especially Valentines Day FFS


----------



## WyshIknew

That message would annoy me too. It's difficult without being there.

Is she so far in La la land that she thinks she has both of you and can 'share the love' and when she is fed up with him she'll 'forgive' you and resume your life together?

Is she sat there with d1p**** texting stuff like that to see if she can get a reaction? If so that is absolutely wicked.

Just enjoying teasing you and making you jump to her tune.

Honestly dude, I know you have to do things for your children but she needs consequences.


----------



## WyshIknew

Quick question racing, does OM strike you as a 'player' type who has done this sort of thing before with clients?

Or is he just some doofus that your wife picked on to be her 'stud'.

You mention the word 'loser' at some point, is he likely to be able to keep your wife in the way she has been accustomed?


----------



## racingheart76

WyshIknew said:


> Quick question racing, does OM strike you as a 'player' type who has done this sort of thing before with clients?
> 
> Or is he just some doofus that your wife picked on to be her 'stud'.
> 
> You mention the word 'loser' at some point, is he likely to be able to keep your wife in the way she has been accustomed?


I actually don't think he's done anything like this before. He really seems to be very weak. His wife is a very strong woman, and she really controlled their relationship. My wife on the other hand, likes very much to be "looked after". 

When it all first came to a head, she used to tell me his flaws and how she didn't realistically see a future with him, but "couldn't help her feelings". She said many emasculating things about him to me. She's also said she's worried that he's not a "protector" or a provider, and that he's very immature. Despite all of these things, she still couldn't help wanting to try things with him. It's a killer because she couldn't even tell me what was wrong with me. She just said she "loves me but is not in love with me anymore". Very upsetting.

When I did speak to him (as I knew him), he was very apologetic and said he knew what he's doing is wrong, but he loves her. I just wanted to break ever bone in his body. I can see they're both in a crazy fog... but that doesn't help anything.

Since all of that, she's told me that he's become extremely possessive of her, and has actually been stalking her a bit to see if she's been seeing me. We have met quite a few times for coffee to talk about things, and he knew about all of them which spooked her so much she stopped wanting to see me at all for a little while there. I just don't get it.


----------



## old_soldier

racingheart76 said:


> The only reason to stop me from doing that would be because she does need something to get the kids to school, and around. I know for certain she wouldn't be able to organise anything. 100% only for them.
> 
> Oh yeah... just got a text from her... "Happy valentines day, remember how special u r xoxo"
> 
> I made me sick


This mate is the very height of disrespect. She believes she can manipulate you and walk all over you with her little terms of endearment. DO NOT let this happen. Seperation or divorce, it"s all up to you and you alone. If you choose reconcillation, there must be enforced conditions applied and enforced. She chose the behaviour, now it's up to you what happens. OM must be humiliated, someway without the use of violance or slander. Remember truth is not slander.


----------



## warlock07

> Tonight she just texted me telling how sorry she is for everything and how she's such a bad person and I don't deserve it.


Don't believe one word of it. She probably needs some money.


----------



## warlock07

Or she had a fight with her bf


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

racingheart76 said:


> I hate seeing her name on my phone every time she messages me.


Then change it so that it reads 'Lying Cheating Beyatch' or something similar when she rings you. Also, add a nice image that identifies her. (For me, I changed my ex's picture to one of a succubus - it made a world of difference in how I reacted to her calls and messages.)


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

racingheart76 said:


> Why can't she just let me be.


She misses her American Express Black Card.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

racingheart76 said:


> The only reason to stop me from doing that would be because she does need something to get the kids to school, and around. (


Do they still make Yugos?

(Forget the Yugo - too unsafe for the kids. Maybe you can find her an old AMC Pacer or Gremlin.)


----------



## racingheart76

@count: lol.. I don't know quite what to do about that one yet 

I just got caught off-guard on chat. She started on me saying she needs to talk to me "about things". I couldn't help myself and said I really don't want to hear anything she has to say right now and that I'd contact her when I want to talk (which will be when I've thought it all out and have a proper action plan).

She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should. But I thought I'd wait until I have my own plans ready.

She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?! 

I hated chatting - even though it was only for a few minutes, it really ruined my day. I feel absolutely rotten. I feel sick. I miss her so much. I know the girl I knew is dead.... or has she just gone on a break?


----------



## Wazza

racingheart76 said:


> @count: lol.. I don't know quite what to do about that one yet
> 
> I just got caught off-guard on chat. She started on me saying she needs to talk to me "about things". I couldn't help myself and said I really don't want to hear anything she has to say right now and that I'd contact her when I want to talk (which will be when I've thought it all out and have a proper action plan).
> 
> She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should. But I thought I'd wait until I have my own plans ready.
> 
> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!
> 
> I hated chatting - even though it was only for a few minutes, it really ruined my day. I feel absolutely rotten. I feel sick. I miss her so much. I know the girl I knew is dead.... or has she just gone on a break?


Maybe. Or maybe she is attempting manipulation.

My wife is incredibly decent but during the affair she was TOTALLY untrustworthy. Don't believe anything she says. She has already demonstrated that she has no qualms about breaking your heart right now.

It really is amazing how people in affairs lie.


----------



## SaltInWound

racingheart76 said:


> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!


Sounds like she is creating an affair for you so that what she has done can be cancelled. In other words, you both cheated, so you are even. Rug sweep. Oh, and you should pity her because her mental pictures are torturing her.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

racingheart76 said:


> @count: lol.. I don't know quite what to do about that one yet
> 
> I just got caught off-guard on chat. She started on me saying she needs to talk to me "about things". I couldn't help myself and said I really don't want to hear anything she has to say right now and that I'd contact her when I want to talk (which will be when I've thought it all out and have a proper action plan).
> 
> She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should. But I thought I'd wait until I have my own plans ready.
> 
> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!
> 
> I hated chatting - even though it was only for a few minutes, it really ruined my day. I feel absolutely rotten. I feel sick. I miss her so much. I know the girl I knew is dead.... or has she just gone on a break?



She is getting desperate because the situation is going south on her. 

First, she is now projecting an affair on to you to help relieve her own guilt. We both did it, we're both guilty.

Second, she's fishing. Plan A is not working out. The "fog" is dissipating, the OM doesn't look so attractive anymore, and who knows what else? She looks at you and sees her provider for all these years and she's afraid of losing it. You are her security blanket and she wants her security blanket back.

To answer your other question, do not believe for a moment that she's changed back to what she was. This almost never happens. She broke the marriage and broke your trust and she did it deliberately. She knew what she was doing. She was f--king the guy for how long, an suddenly she's not "into him" anymore?

Think it through. There is no going back to the way things were. The one thing it would take on her part is some serious soul-searching and the enforcement of very strict boundaries. I seriously, seriously doubt she is ready for either of those.

Here's what I would respond to her: You're the one went off with another man and broke this marriage, not me. Do not accuse me of doing what you did.


----------



## bandit.45

Hear that flitting, fluttering sound outside? With the occasional squeaks?

That's your wife flying around the street light out in front of the house going after bugs. 

She is so batshyte that you could probably see membranes under her arms. Brother you need to divorce this nutjob and find a sane woman who doesn't hang upside down to sleep and accuse you of cheating to make herself feel justified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadandAngry

When I say don't be soft, I mean be rock ****ing hard. No support, meaning no car, not even a bus pass. She has time to **** around, she can walk the kid to school then. Have you talked to a lawyer? Do so ASAP, with a view to getting her out of you and your kid's home.


----------



## WyshIknew

SadandAngry said:


> When I say don't be soft, I mean be rock ****ing hard. No support, meaning no car, not even a bus pass. She has time to **** around, she can walk the kid to school then. Have you talked to a lawyer? Do so ASAP.


:iagree:

This!

It's not your job to look after her. She sacked you, remember?

I am not saying this to be mean but you are in 'danger' of becoming a wittol by supporting her while she humps doofus.

I like the idea of a baby sitter to drive them to work.
Can the school come up with any ideas for transport?

Could you hire a taxi firm to do the driving?


----------



## Jasel

SadandAngry said:


> When I say don't be soft, I mean be rock ****ing hard. No support, meaning no car, not even a bus pass. She has time to **** around, she can walk the kid to school then. Have you talked to a lawyer? Do so ASAP, with a view to getting her out of you and your kid's home.


This. I wouldn't even keep talking to her as much as you seem to be. Unless it relates to the kids, divorce, or getting her out of the house all other subjects should be off limits. Let her text until her fingers blister. Just don't reply to anything she says unless it's the mentioned subjects.


----------



## survivorwife

WyshIknew said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This!
> 
> It's not your job to look after her. She sacked you, remember?
> 
> I am not saying this to be mean but you are in 'danger' of becoming a wittol by supporting her while she humps doofus.
> 
> I like the idea of a baby sitter to drive them to work.
> Can the school come up with any ideas for transport?
> 
> Could you hire a taxi firm to do the driving?


Usually, if the distance to school is too far for walking, there is a school bus provided.


----------



## WyshIknew

survivorwife said:


> Usually, if the distance to school is too far for walking, there is a school bus provided.


One of those big yellow ones I see in all the films?

If so that would be ideal.


----------



## Grey Goose

racingheart76 said:


> @count: lol.. I don't know quite what to do about that one yet
> 
> I just got caught off-guard on chat. She started on me saying she needs to talk to me "about things". I couldn't help myself and said I really don't want to hear anything she has to say right now and that I'd contact her when I want to talk (which will be when I've thought it all out and have a proper action plan).
> 
> She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should. But I thought I'd wait until I have my own plans ready.
> 
> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!
> 
> I hated chatting - even though it was only for a few minutes, it really ruined my day. I feel absolutely rotten. I feel sick. I miss her so much. I know the girl I knew is dead.... or has she just gone on a break?


Let me be clear on this from experience: NO CONTACT AT ALL!!!!


----------



## LetDownNTX

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> T(For me, I changed my ex's picture to one of a succubus - it made a world of difference in how I reacted to her calls and messages.)


So I have to admit I didnt know what a succubus was so I googled it. I just dont find that picture to be mean or evil. Yeah it has horns but all the pics I saw are hot, barely dressed and pretty sexy. I would have maybe gone for a cow picture or something! LOL


----------



## Grey Goose

racingheart76 said:


> @count: lol.. I don't know quite what to do about that one yet
> 
> I just got caught off-guard on chat. She started on me saying she needs to talk to me "about things". I couldn't help myself and said I really don't want to hear anything she has to say right now and that I'd contact her when I want to talk (which will be when I've thought it all out and have a proper action plan).
> 
> She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should. But I thought I'd wait until I have my own plans ready.
> 
> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!
> 
> I hated chatting - even though it was only for a few minutes, it really ruined my day. I feel absolutely rotten. I feel sick. I miss her so much. I know the girl I knew is dead.... or has she just gone on a break?


This is pure manipulation, my WH did it during our separation. Do not fall for it!


----------



## LetDownNTX

racingheart76 said:


> @count: lol.. I don't know quite what to do about that one yet
> 
> I just got caught off-guard on chat. She started on me saying she needs to talk to me "about things". I couldn't help myself and said I really don't want to hear anything she has to say right now and that I'd contact her when I want to talk (which will be when I've thought it all out and have a proper action plan).
> 
> She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should. But I thought I'd wait until I have my own plans ready.
> 
> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!
> 
> I hated chatting - even though it was only for a few minutes, it really ruined my day. I feel absolutely rotten. I feel sick. I miss her so much. I know the girl I knew is dead.... or has she just gone on a break?


Sorry to sound rude but FVCK HER!! Who cares how she feels. She would have to feel that way for a while to make me believe that she was going to change. Even if you want to reconcile with her she has alot to prove, one phone call tugging at your heart strings saying how its hurting her to think of you with someone else is not going to change her. Did you tell her that you're glad to know that she can now have the images in her head that you have in yours? UGH!


----------



## survivorwife

WyshIknew said:


> One of those big yellow ones I see in all the films?
> 
> If so that would be ideal.


Yep. Those are the ones. 

Many children take the bus to school, especially in rural areas when the school is too far away to walk to.


----------



## WyshIknew

LetDownNTX said:


> So I have to admit I didnt know what a succubus was so I googled it. I just dont find that picture to be mean or evil. Yeah it has horns but all the pics I saw are hot, barely dressed and pretty sexy. I would have maybe gone for a cow picture or something! LOL


Yes, and a succubus actually has sex with you!

Granted it drains the life out of a man (I think) but at least it puts out!


----------



## ArmyofJuan

You need to ask yourself why you want her back? Keep asking over and over again.

Her A was DOA, it never had a chance in hell YET she chooses that train wreck over you. Even if she pulls that knife out of your back you still have to deal with that bleeding wound and that fact she stuck it there in the first place.

She completely disrespected you and practically spit in your face with this affair, why would you want to continue to stay married to that? Fear of being alone? Co-dependency? If she truly loved you the affair would have never had happened.

You need to look out for number one, that’s all she is doing. Hell she probably thinks you are cheating because her ego is so big that in her mind seeing someone else would be the only reason why you are not simply throwing yourself at her. Not everyone that cheats is a bad person but in this case yea, your wife is a bad person.


----------



## Grey Goose

Hey RC I am dying to know what happened when she realized she no longer had access to your money. Status please!

We should learn a lot form that.


----------



## racingheart76

Yeah I know... I've been with with the NC until those few chat messages. She never says what she needs to talk about, except that "it's important", and I worry it's about the kids. I'll just keep ignoring her again now.

I will see the lawyer again next week to make sure what I'm doing with funds and the car etc is perfectly legal, then I'll talk to her and make my moves.

@Grey: Ok, so how she reacted about money. Initially, she got very angry and said I was being controlling. Kept using the word "controlling". Then started to say that I will enjoy my life "controlling and alone". Really gave me a hard time. It comes up a lot and she's very angry. It seems to be the one thing that makes her angry. I know she's siphoned money off for a while into another account I've never seen before. I think she'll probably be using that for now but when that dries up (which will be quick at her burn rate) she'll really start getting nasty. I guess time will tell.


----------



## WyshIknew

Typical of the script racing.

Translation, controlling = You won't pay for me to fvck OM any more and let me eat cake.
Expect it to get worse as you turn the screws. Remember you are not doing this for revenge or to be mean but it is something she is going to have to learn to deal with.

Does she really expect you to fund her fvck fest with dipsh1t?


----------



## racingheart76

ArmyofJuan said:


> You need to ask yourself why you want her back? Keep asking over and over again.
> 
> Her A was DOA, it never had a chance in hell YET she chooses that train wreck over you. Even if she pulls that knife out of your back you still have to deal with that bleeding wound and that fact she stuck it there in the first place.
> 
> She completely disrespected you and practically spit in your face with this affair, why would you want to continue to stay married to that? Fear of being alone? Co-dependency? If she truly loved you the affair would have never had happened.
> 
> You need to look out for number one, that’s all she is doing. Hell she probably thinks you are cheating because her ego is so big that in her mind seeing someone else would be the only reason why you are not simply throwing yourself at her. Not everyone that cheats is a bad person but in this case yea, your wife is a bad person.


I know this. I know I shouldn't want her back. Today is our wedding anniversary, and I'm feeling ok. I'm just trying to keep myself busy. My feelings are getting numb towards her more and more each day. I guess I've learned to accept that she's no longer that amazing girl I fell in love with, but a selfish, heartless fool. 

The only emotion I have for now is kinda pity. I feel like she's going to wake up one day and feel the pain I've felt. Who knows. Maybe not. But she'll never be happy. She's so unhappy in herself, that she will never find it in anyone else. I accepted that and always wanted to work on that with her where I could, and always encouraged her to do things for herself (including seeing a psychologist), but she never would. 

Deep down - I'd love to have the girl I knew back - absolutely. I loved her with all of my heart and soul. But this new person... I don't care for at all.


----------



## racingheart76

WyshIknew said:


> Typical of the script racing.
> 
> Translation, controlling = You won't pay for me to fvck OM any more and let me eat cake.
> Expect it to get worse as you turn the screws. Remember you are not doing this for revenge or to be mean but it is something she is going to have to learn to deal with.
> 
> Does she really expect you to fund her fvck fest with dipsh1t?


I know I shouldn't believe anything she says... but she seems honest when she says he's not very physical. She admits they do have sex, but she says it's more about being with him and enjoys the way he makes her feel. She also (and his wife used to joke about this too), says his got a tiny...  

I don't really care if it's true... but I like to think it is lol her loss


----------



## ThreeStrikes

Don't believe a word she says. Still attempting to manipulate and fence-sit. It's not a competition of you vs. Him. She would love that...don't put up with that nonsense.

She's doing the dance:

http://chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/


----------



## Will_Kane

racingheart76 said:


> I know I shouldn't believe anything she says... but she seems honest when she says he's not very physical. She admits they do have sex, but she says it's more about being with him and enjoys the way he makes her feel. She also (and his wife used to joke about this too), says his got a tiny...
> 
> I don't really care if it's true... but I like to think it is lol her loss


It's usually not about the sex.

He doesn't have to discuss with her any child care, chores, or finances. None of life's realities intrude. He tells her how beautiful, hot, sexy, smart, mysterious, complicated, and wonderful she is about 100% of the time he's with her. To her, hearing all of those things about herself is BETTER THAN SEX.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

RH, you cannot compete with an affair partner. No loyal spouse can.

Don't listen to what comes out of her mouth. Watch her actions.


----------



## racingheart76

ThreeStrikes said:


> RH, you cannot compete with an affair partner. No loyal spouse can.
> 
> Don't listen to what comes out of her mouth. Watch her actions.


Yeah, well just got this little beauty on my phone from her:

"Happy 9th wedding anniversary. The theme is clay I would have made you a pot you'd have to display on your desk at work if we were still happily together  xoxo"

WTF is that??? She really knows how to upset me. I just wanted to be left alone. Now I really want to write back and tear into her, but I can't. What did she possibly think she'd accomplish by sending me that??


----------



## racingheart76

She's not 100% moving on herself is she?


----------



## tom67

racingheart76 said:


> She's not 100% moving on herself is she?


I think she is a cake eating whackjob jmo.


----------



## SaltInWound

racingheart76 said:


> Yeah, well just got this little beauty on my phone from her:
> 
> "Happy 9th wedding anniversary. The theme is clay I would have made you a pot you'd have to display on your desk at work if we were still happily together  xoxo"
> 
> WTF is that??? She really knows how to upset me. I just wanted to be left alone. Now I really want to write back and tear into her, but I can't. *What did she possibly think she'd accomplish by sending me that*??


She wanted to get a reaction. 

That message was disgusting.


----------



## sandc

LetDownNTX said:


> Sorry to sound rude but FVCK HER!! Who cares how she feels. She would have to feel that way for a while to make me believe that she was going to change. Even if you want to reconcile with her she has alot to prove, one phone call tugging at your heart strings saying how its hurting her to think of you with someone else is not going to change her. Did you tell her that you're glad to know that she can now have the images in her head that you have in yours? UGH!


You know you really give a guy warm fuzzes? Seriously! :smthumbup:


----------



## sandc

And RH, do not dignify her message with a response. Move ahead. Let her know you WILL be able to live without her. When she realizes she has become nothing to you, then she will understand the situation. While she knows that she still means something to you, she'll keep doing what she's doing.


----------



## Acabado

Correct me if I'm wrong but for now you didn't file for divorce right?
If this is true I'm sure she will try to suck you back once the reality of the papres, the real split, the finances, the NC become too much.
This kid of cake eater never believes you will dump them for good.


----------



## racingheart76

Unfortunately I can't file for divorce for 12 months here. The NC is killing me. I don't have anything to say, but I really want to say something back to her. I guess it's just part of the process of letting go. Having a downer right now. Memories are starting to flood back from our wedding day, and for the first time in weeks I'm choking up a bit and can't function :|

As much as I act towards her that I'm moving on and don't care - instead my heart is still open for her. Very open. #$%&*


----------



## warlock07

> I know she's siphoned money off for a while into another account I've never seen before. I think she'll probably be using that for now but when that dries up (which will be quick at her burn rate) she'll really start getting nasty. I guess time will tell.


Have a lawyer advise you on this so that you can get a better settlement in the divorce. And this only tells that she was planning the betrayal for some time. the affair was no accident. The OM is just incidental


----------



## Will_Kane

racingheart76 said:


> Unfortunately I can't file for divorce for 12 months here. The NC is killing me. *I don't have anything to say, but I really want to say something back to her.* I guess it's just part of the process of letting go. Having a downer right now. Memories are starting to flood back from our wedding day, and for the first time in weeks I'm choking up a bit and can't function :|
> 
> As much as I act towards her that I'm moving on and don't care - instead my heart is still open for her. Very open. #$%&*
> 
> She has it in her head that I've met someone, and that I'm sleeping with them. I didn't confirm or deny (of course there isn't anyone), but she's going mental about it. Said it's breaking her heart into "a million pieces" and that she has images of me making love to another girl in her head. WTF??? Is she really mental?!​


Text her back, _"Thanks for everything last night, Michelle. You are so sexy! When can we do it again?"_ (assuming Michelle is not your wife's name).


----------



## Shaggy

My advice. Get yourself a new gf, not a revenge affair but a new person to share your life with. Your cheating wife isn't worth it, she's given herself willing to another man and loves to rub your face in it.

Forget NC go completely dark on her. Arrange for a third party to be a go between for kid stuff.


----------



## racingheart76

I'm just ignoring her. I don't know if that's worse though. I wonder if she thinks me being so quiet is because I'm sulking? 

Actually... Meh... who cares what she thinks. That's what I have to keep remembering.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

racingheart76 said:


> She also (and his wife used to joke about this too), says his got a tiny...


But hey, it's his.

So, she told you he has a tiny pen!s? What the hell was she doing describing his pen!s to you? Was that somehow supposed to make you feel better about her opening her legs to him? "It's ok ... it didn't mean anything because he has a tiny pen!s and I didn't feel anything"


----------



## racingheart76

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> But hey, it's his.
> 
> So, she told you he has a tiny pen!s? What the hell was she doing describing his pen!s to you? Was that somehow supposed to make you feel better about her opening her legs to him? "It's ok ... it didn't mean anything because he has a tiny pen!s and I didn't feel anything"


I really didn't need to know about it at all I know... I guess what I'm wondering is what the hell goes on in her head? Why keep putting him down to me, and telling me how great I am, but still wanting to see how things go with him. It's completely irrational. I know she's cake-eating. I just don't know how things got to here. We were so close. So close and loving. It's when I think back to before all of this, when it gets really hard. I miss us. 

Sorry I am babbling. But today is a really hard day for me. I just want it to be over. I'm going out with some friends tonight so we'll drink the night away and have a great time. Then tomorrow will be a new day


----------



## tobio

Okay. So what do we have?

The OM is moving OUT of his marital home into a shared house. NOT with your W. 

You have cut off her disposable income that was previously financing her love life with OM.

She is sending you nicey nicey messages, and talking down about the OM to you.

Methinks she is realising that things maybe aren't quite so great and that OM isn't that available to finance her and look after her, things aren't going in the direction she planned and is trying to quietly backpedal WHILST still fence sitting - staying where she is for as long as it lasts but trying to keep you sweet in case it turns sour - which it most likely will. Not trying that well I might add!

Keep on doing what you're doing. You're doing it well actually.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

RH, keep up the Cool Hand Luke appearance. I know it's tough, but not reacting and responding to her texts is way more frustrating for her, than say, if you had texted her back with some angry reply.

You are still in the "shock" phase, so detaching is very difficult. Once more time goes by you will find it easier.

Attention and validation from you, _even if its negative_, is what she craves. She is an addict. Google "narcissistic supply". Also histrionic personality disorder.


----------



## bfree

RH,

You keep trying to find logic in her behavior. What you need to come to understand is that there isn't any. She is totally sailing along on her feelings right not. She isn't thinking at all. Its all about how she feels from moment to moment. She will continue to cake eat so long as you allow her to. The quicker you force her to feel the consequences of her actions that quicker she will eventually realize the gravity of her behavior. Every decision you make should be focused on pulling the rug out from under her. If she is adult enough to engage in an affair she is adult enough to make her own way in life without any help from you. And when she calls you controlling your response should be that you are not controlling but in control. Tell her that the reason she continues to think of you as controlling is because she is so out of control she has no perspective on what she is doing and how it will hurt not only you but her and your children.


----------



## LetDownNTX

racingheart76 said:


> Unfortunately I can't file for divorce for 12 months here. The NC is killing me. I don't have anything to say, but I really want to say something back to her. I guess it's just part of the process of letting go. Having a downer right now. Memories are starting to flood back from our wedding day, and for the first time in weeks I'm choking up a bit and can't function :|
> 
> As much as I act towards her that I'm moving on and don't care - instead my heart is still open for her. Very open. #$%&*


That part takes a while...I was seperated for 17 mos the first time. Everytime he called, emailed or anything I would lunge for the phone. And everytime I would hang up I would cry. Everytime he would come to see us it was like nothing was wrong and everytime he would leave I cried. It was the worst days of my life. 

You cant just turn off how you feel about someone, especially your spouse...the love doesnt go away instantly. The most you can hope for is that the anger will come and outweigh the love you feel.


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## Grey Goose

LetDownNTX said:


> That part takes a while...I was seperated for 17 mos the first time. Everytime he called, emailed or anything I would lunge for the phone. And everytime I would hang up I would cry. Everytime he would come to see us it was like nothing was wrong and everytime he would leave I cried. It was the worst days of my life.
> 
> You cant just turn off how you feel about someone, especially your spouse...the love doesnt go away instantly. The most you can hope for is that the anger will come and outweigh the love you feel.


I got friends and my mom to help me with the kid exchange situation so I started to see him even less and that helped A LOT. Once the rage comes my friend you will not give a [email protected] and if at that point you try to R, it is even more difficult!


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## theroad

racingheart76 said:


> I really didn't need to know about it at all I know... I guess what I'm wondering is what the hell goes on in her head? Why keep putting him down to me, and telling me how great I am, but still wanting to see how things go with him. It's completely irrational. I know she's cake-eating. I just don't know how things got to here. We were so close. So close and loving. It's when I think back to before all of this, when it gets really hard. I miss us.
> 
> Sorry I am babbling. But today is a really hard day for me. I just want it to be over. I'm going out with some friends tonight so we'll drink the night away and have a great time. Then tomorrow will be a new day


Your WW has lost control because you have filed first.

Your WW wants to suck you back in so to keep you as her back up plan incase the OM dumps her, and keep you off the market so other women can not have you.

Your WW is doing this because she is not ready/does not want togive up OM. So this is why WW is saying things about OM's size and all that other baloney.


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## WyshIknew

I thought OP's WW filed for official separation first?


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## Jasel

racingheart76 said:


> I really didn't need to know about it at all I know... I guess what I'm wondering is what the hell goes on in her head? Why keep putting him down to me, and telling me how great I am, but still wanting to see how things go with him. It's completely irrational. I know she's cake-eating. I just don't know how things got to here. We were so close. So close and loving. It's when I think back to before all of this, when it gets really hard. I miss us.
> 
> Sorry I am babbling. But today is a really hard day for me. I just want it to be over. I'm going out with some friends tonight so we'll drink the night away and have a great time. Then tomorrow will be a new day


She's trying to manipulate you. It sounds like she's throwing everything against the wall and seeing what will stick. There's no "logic" in what she is feeling or doing.

Trust me if you keep up the NC unless it's related to divorce/kids/living arangements (her leaving), keep her money train running on empty, and stand firm with seperation/divorce she's going to start getting really nasty or she's going to start begging/apologizing and showing token remorse because she'll miss the lifestyle she's accustomed too. Or maybe both, just one after the other. That is going to be a hard adjustment from not working, having all your needs taken care of to having to stand on your own two feet and support yourself. 

But that easy-breezy-everything-is-lemon-squeezy attitude of hers? It won't last.


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## old_soldier

You are a good guy. 

This woman you thought was your loving wife, is not. This woman is cruel and heartless. She needs to be told that. 

She also needs to be told that she is not welcome in YOUR home, she is NO LONGER your wife. She forfitted that right the instant the OM penetrated her and tainted her body.


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## Will_Kane

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> But hey, it's his.
> 
> So, she told you he has a tiny pen!s? What the hell was she doing describing his pen!s to you? Was that somehow supposed to make you feel better about her opening her legs to him? "It's ok ... it didn't mean anything because he has a tiny pen!s and I didn't feel anything"



What are the three two-letter words every guy hates to hear during sex? (Hint: they all begin with the letter "i").


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## Will_Kane

Will_Kane said:


> What are the three two-letter words every guy hates to hear during sex? (Hint: they all begin with the letter "i").


Is it in?


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## WyshIknew

racingheart76 said:


> She said that OM is moving out into a new place with his cousin, and that she is 100% not moving in with him. I restrained myself from saying that she should.(


Racing, I am not pointing this out to be mean but what would concern me with this scenario is two men, one woman who is an (by your description) attention seeker, and a few drinks next thing you know whammo!

Ok you might say "She would never do that." but you never thought that she would be an adulteress did you?

The only thing that would argue against that is that you say he is very possessive so wouldn't be very happy to 'share'.

The down side is that if he is a bit of a loser he could fall behind in the rent and p1ss off the cousin.

As I said, not trying to be mean or anything and hope you realise that but it would certainly be something I would be thinking about. And furious if I did find something like that!


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## HappyHubby

Racing, next time she sends a stupid message you could just say something short and sweet like: "Ok Whack Job. Now you're really losing it...Enough with the manipulation. I'm not biting. " 

Or silence.. I'd be on the fence with this one too.

They key is that if you are going to say anything you must put the focus back on her to not give the impression she's getting to you. Rather it should indicate that you've lost respect for her, think shes effing nuts and you are simply embarrassed of her.. act disgusted. she's a disgrace. Might make her feel embarrassed for a second or two...or until that next unicorn floats by her window.


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## HappyHubby

I'd shame this sh-t out of her. I don't think I'd ever have anything nice to say to her again given her twisted behaviour.


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## sandc

Next time she texts you just text back, "no time 2 talk, on a d8"




Then go dark and let her stew. Then continue drinking with your mates.


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## HappyHubby

I like sandc's idea more


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## racingheart76

I haven't heard a word all weekend. I'm feeling good. I haven't had the urge to talk to at all either
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew

How did the night out go?


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## racingheart76

Really good thanks Wysh! Had a really good time and didn't really think about stuff at all. The next day was good too because I had a bit of a hangover so didn't feel anything else lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew

racingheart76 said:


> Really good thanks Wysh! Had a really good time and didn't really think about stuff at all. The next day was good too because I had a bit of a hangover so didn't feel anything else lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good!

Awesome news. It's not going to happen overnight but it sounds like you are gradually detaching.


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## racingheart76

I kinda am. But still a deep underlying sadness. I still think she's coming back and I'm merely passing the time. Stupid I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes

It will be easier with time.

What will help you more is if you actively start looking for another woman. She doesn't need to be marriage material, but the touch and affection of another woman will help break your chemical addiction to your STBXW. Even something simple like getting a massage (non-sexual) from another woman can help.

This will help immensely in the detachment process.


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## Humble Pie

racingheart76 said:


> The car she drives actually belongs to my company. I'm thinking about taking it back and getting her something really cheap, but safe (she still needs to get around with our kids). But she's driving around in luxury ATM. So that will be the first battle. I think I'll just tackle everything one thing at a time..


Take her car, and hire a driver! The Driver will take the kids around, school & activities, take her and the kids shopping, and come back at 7am the next morning for job duties!

Is a possibility! Just imagine the look on her face if you told her, she had to give up her LUXURY car (as work requirement) and you would be hiring a driver...:rofl:


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## Humble Pie

racingheart76 said:


> When it all first came to a head, she used to tell me his flaws and how she didn't realistically see a future with him, but "couldn't help her feelings". She said many emasculating things about him to me. She's also said she's worried that he's not a "protector" or a provider, and that he's very immature. Despite all of these things, she still couldn't help wanting to try things with him. It's a killer because she couldn't even tell me what was wrong with me. She just said she "loves me but is not in love with me anymore". Very upsetting.


This is YOUR wife talking to YOU about another MAN?:scratchhead: 

I am shocker she has this intimate relationship with you that she talks to you about her her lover, whom she is cheating on you with!! this pisses me off...


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## racingheart76

Yeah I know right? I didn't speak to her all weekend, until this morning I had to ask about the school holidays over Easter because I want to plan a trip, and I know she wanted to take the kids to her home town for a week. So I was confirming dates with her. She won't tell me the dates. So immature. 

I just said "Really? You're going to make me beg to know when you're taking my children to another state?", to which she replied "You're going to make me beg to know where my husband will be??". My answer to that - and this is where the conversation ended - was "I'm not your husband anymore".

She's going loco.


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## SadandAngry

If I were you, I'd seriously think about a court order preventing her from taking thechildren out of state.


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## SadandAngry

Did you move back into your bedroom?


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## racingheart76

I don't think I need to prevent her from taking them on a trip to see her family. I don't think we're at that point yet. And the kids do love their cousins. 

I think she's just using anything she can to hold onto control maybe.


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## racingheart76

I haven't moved back home just yet. Still lining everything up. It will be over the next few weeks but


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## Wazza

racingheart76 said:


> I don't think I need to prevent her from taking them on a trip to see her family. I don't think we're at that point yet. And the kids do love their cousins.
> 
> I think she's just using anything she can to hold onto control maybe.


Prevent, absolutely not. But you should get the levers into place so she can't play games.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

SadandAngry said:


> If I were you, I'd seriously think about a court order preventing her from taking thechildren out of state.


I would too. I had this problem with a separation where she threatened to take the kids out of state. Talked to a lawyer and she said that without a court order, it was completely within her rights ... and that if she decided to keep the kids out of state it would be legally difficult to get them back. My best option at that point would be to move to the other state, become a citizen and then file with that state. 

In order to get a court order, I would have had to file for divorce or legal separation ... at the time, I was separated but had not filed for legal separation. She said really the best thing to do would get a court order before she does it ... otherwise, it could turn into a nightmare. My situation was a little different in that she was talking about taking them out of state permanently so if you don't see any risk that she may decide to keep them out of state then you might be ok. One observation my lawyer had was that if we had shared custody, without a court order, she could still keep them out of state but she would be responsible for the expense of staying within the custody agreement and that the reality of it is that it is difficult to enforce while she remains out of state.


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## SadandAngry

racingheart76 said:


> I don't think I need to prevent her from taking them on a trip to see her family. I don't think we're at that point yet. And the kids do love their cousins.
> 
> I think she's just using anything she can to hold onto control maybe.


Really? If you follow up with what you should be, you will remove a huge part of the support your wife has where she is. Then she goes home to her family, kids in tow, and tells them what a controlling, paranoid monster you've become.

Why are you waiting to reclaim your house? You never should have left in the first place. Fix your mistakes quickly, take time off work if need be, the matters at hand are far more important. Have you consulted a lawyer yet?


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## happyman64

racingheart76 said:


> Yeah I know... I've been with with the NC until those few chat messages. She never says what she needs to talk about, except that "it's important", and I worry it's about the kids. I'll just keep ignoring her again now.
> 
> I will see the lawyer again next week to make sure what I'm doing with funds and the car etc is perfectly legal, then I'll talk to her and make my moves.
> 
> @Grey: Ok, so how she reacted about money. Initially, she got very angry and said I was being controlling. Kept using the word "controlling". Then started to say that I will enjoy my life "controlling and alone". Really gave me a hard time. It comes up a lot and she's very angry. It seems to be the one thing that makes her angry. I know she's siphoned money off for a while into another account I've never seen before. I think she'll probably be using that for now but when that dries up (which will be quick at her burn rate) she'll really start getting nasty. I guess time will tell.


Do not talk to her, let your lawyer handle it.

Be impersonal with her. Treat her like you would treat a hostile business deal.

And stop being so nice for God's sake. All your wife keeps doing is lying to you, cheating on you and using you, your assets your children and your good nature against you.

It is time to turn the tables and make her understand you are no longer the nice guy she knew.

Treat her like the piece of sh!t she is. Treat her the way she has treated you.

Whether you reconcile or not she needs to learn a lesson.

So teach it to her even if it costs you your marruage. Because you should Reconcile with the woman she is now.

Focus on you.

And deal with the situation.

Glad to see you finally found your anger.

Now use it!


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## happyman64

And Racer.

Cut out the childcare.

She wants to be a full time Mom then that is what she should do.

Or she gets a fulltime job.

A good Mom wants to be with their kids, wants them home with her. 

She is just getting them out of the way to be with the POSOM.

You really spoiled this woman.

She has a strange way of showing you how much you have taken care of her.

Time to repay the favor.

Not as revenge but to take back control of your life and kids.

It is time to show your wife reality.

A reality without you in it.


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## jim123

racingheart76 said:


> Yeah I know right? I didn't speak to her all weekend, until this morning I had to ask about the school holidays over Easter because I want to plan a trip, and I know she wanted to take the kids to her home town for a week. So I was confirming dates with her. She won't tell me the dates. So immature.
> 
> I just said "Really? You're going to make me beg to know when you're taking my children to another state?", to which she replied "You're going to make me beg to know where my husband will be??". My answer to that - and this is where the conversation ended - was "I'm not your husband anymore".
> 
> She's going loco.


If you move on she will come out of the fog. That is why it is important for her to know where you are going. Do the full 180


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## Carlchurchill

Racing, would you consider sleeping with your wife now?

I think if you did and the 'weak, possesive' OM found out, he would bail on her!


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