# Husband never initiates sex.



## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Hi, I am new to this forum. I have some concerns that I need some advice on. One of them is regarding initiating sex. I have a pretty high sex drive and while my husband is happy to have sex with me, he rarely, if ever initiates it. He is loving and romantic, he hugs and kisses me all of the time, but when it comes to sex, it would not happen more than once every couple of weeks if I did not ask for it. Can I have some input from other couples about what occurs in their marriage beds? I am unhappy about the onus for sex always being on me. It feels very unequal, also because of the situation, I feel less than desirable. 

Background: We are in our 40's. My husband and I have some health issues, he more than I. We have been married for a year. We are open about sex and have no sexual hang-ups. 

Please give a newbie some information and advice. 
Thanks


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Good for him, it can be stressful for a man when his sex drive isn't as strong as his wife's. Yet he's still managing to do the business which says a lot about what kind of man he is. As his sex drive is less that yours and your satisfied then by definition he's satisfied as well so there's no need for him to initiate sex.

Since he's obviously making such an effort maybe you might consider doing something just for him. Sometimes sex can be something you do just for the other person, then the pressure to perform is taken off them. It doesn't matter whether you orgasm or how long he last he can just enjoy it. There's lots of different things you could do, you know your husband more than anyone so a little though will reap big benefits. Having sex like this might act to give your hubby a sexual boost as well as just letting him know that you're thinking about him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I felt less then desirable to my H for a long time, but that was due to my H's addiction to porn. probably a totally different issue then what you are dealing with. 

If he does just have a lower sex drive, i would think he could be willing to compromise. have you very bluntly told him you need him to initiate at least once a week?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

soulmate-

Although we have sex every day except on her period, my wife has never been into initiating since we first got together; when she does it comes out very odd like: "we haven't shagged for a while", or "I suppose you want sex". She often says this with a cheeky smile, which makes it come over better, but in the past, it has also been said with a, shall we say weary look, which does not add...

However, we have talked about it at length, and she says:



Mrs. T said:


> It's like knowing the grass is green and pleasant in the next field, but not being able to open the gate. When you push me along a bit, it's like you lift me over the gate, and all is good.


 These are her words, not mine.

So I have to accept that she has a barrier, but she does not mind it being breached, in fact she welcomes it. 

When I focus too much on the situation, my ego gets hurt, but when I just get on with life, and do all or most of the initiation, everything is fine. She certainly visibly and audibly enjoys it once it's started, so the problem if there is one is only with my ego. If we do it in the day time, she will often remark later that she felt like she was walking on air while out shopping afterwards. So I suppose, my ego gets a boost afterwards rather than before.

I have told her that I feel it's a bit unfair that she gets someone ravishing her all day every day who can't get enough of her, whereas no-one is doing that to me.

But... so much has improved in our 20 year relationship over the last few years that I am reasonably hopeful that things may shift.


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. I don't think that my husband has a low sex drive. He enjoys sex, and yes, I do please him and not myself (frequently). With that in mind, I don't understand why we don't have more parity in our sexual relationship. I have told him repeatedly how I feel about the situation. I know that it is my hang up but give me a break, even if he initiated sex once a week, I would be happier. Is it a selfishness issue? If it is, am I being selfish or is he? It bothers me, he knows it bothers me and yet he makes no attempt to change the situation. Am I reading too much into this? I wonder if sex is more important to me than it is to him?


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

MT, I greatly appreicate what you had to say. I totally get the ego aspect. I guess you mean that I have to adjust or get over it. Frankly, that is a hard one to swallow. Do you have an alternative that doesn't let my husband off the hook? (I am have joking with that comment, but only half).


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

soulmate said:


> Do you have an alternative that doesn't let my husband off the hook?


Yes, but you might not get away with it. 

If you get him interested in Semen Retention, he will eventually get so horny, he will beg you for sex.

The only problem is, you might not be able to handle it. My wife only just copes with me...


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

I am going to go over this with my husband. I certainly appreciate the female version of this. I dont need to orgasm everytime I have sex, as a matter of fact, orgasms with masturbation are usually much more intense, much more "go into the light" than through intercourse. The problem may be that my husband enjoys bjs and I enjoy giving them to him. hmmmmmm. Let me explore this further.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

soulmate said:


> I am going to go over this with my husband.


It would be interesting to hear his reaction


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

twain, you rascal


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Twain is at it again 

For the five days that I got hubby to practice it - even tho it seems like the man despises me, he was NICE to me all day, if not sexual. Had I kept it up, yes, i think it would do everything that Mark says it does. 

Now I just have to find someone to practice it on...


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Uh, have I unwittingly stepped into someone's doctoral thesis on semen retention?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

soulmate said:


> Is it a selfishness issue? If it is, am I being selfish or is he? It bothers me, he knows it bothers me and yet he makes no attempt to change the situation.


i think he's being selfish. if he loved you i think he would at least try to initiate. has he ever told you why he wont?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> i think he's being selfish. if he loved you i think he would at least try to initiate. has he ever told you why he wont?


Does that apply to my wife too?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Does that apply to my wife too?


I dont know. i dont know anything about your wife.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I dont know. i dont know anything about your wife.


I mentioned her on post #4 of this thread


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I mentioned her on post #4 of this thread


i know i saw that. i was just posting to the original poster. i didnt read your post.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

soulmate said:


> Thanks for the responses. I don't think that my husband has a low sex drive. He enjoys sex, and yes, I do please him and not myself (frequently).


The reason I got the impression your husband had a low sex drive was from your original post



soulmate said:


> it would not happen more than once every couple of weeks if I did not ask for it.


Is the fact that he's not initiating sex the problem or that you're not satisfied by the sex that you are having?

As long as he's willing to have sex when you initiate it then there shouldn't really be a problem, a lot of relationships work on that basis with one partner simply being more comfortable with the other partner initiating it.

As for why you're not being satisfied by the sex could you provide a bit more info?


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

While there is something to be said for quality over quantity, I expect both in my marriage. I won't say that I am unsatisfied with our sex, then again, I am not completely satisfied with it either. But I think that I am not satisfied because I am the one initiating it all of the time. I mean, good grief, what woman does not want to feel that her husband desires her and wants to make love to her? I am a perfectly normal person that wants to feel desired by her spouse. I make him feel desirable, I approach him and tell him that I want him, not that I want SEX, but him. Touching me and kissing me and everything that goes with that.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

soulmate said:


> While there is something to be said for quality over quantity, I expect both in my marriage. I won't say that I am unsatisfied with our sex, then again, I am not completely satisfied with it either. But I think that I am not satisfied because I am the one initiating it all of the time. I mean, good grief, what woman does not want to feel that her husband desires her and wants to make love to her? I am a perfectly normal person that wants to feel desired by her spouse. I make him feel desirable, I approach him and tell him that I want him, not that I want SEX, but him. Touching me and kissing me and everything that goes with that.


So the problem is not that the sex is bad its simply that he doesn't initiate it.

A lot of guys are like that, I've been with really confidant macho type that prefer not to initiate sex. He probably has no need to since you initiate it enough for him. Look if the sex was just bad or he was turning you down then I'd think there was a problem but its not so I don't.

You say you're not completely satisfied with the sex, that's something you and he should work on, as for him being slow to initiate well I think its a small thing and you should reconsider your views on it.

On a slight tangent if one partner wants sex and the other doesn't well thats what oral sex is perfect for.


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Sarah, sex is sex is sex, whether it is oral or intercourse or hmm, is there anything else? I dont need intercourse every time. I am not happy with the "just accept it" problem. I realize the problem is probably self esteem issues on my part, but what are we to our spouses. We offer encouragement, comfort, compassion, we extend positive reinforcement, a necessary critique, we are help mates, sounding boards, a shoulder to cry on and someone to celebrate with. When we say I do, we commit to the whole package deal. In the eternal two way street of marriage, I don't think the road to sex should be a one way street. Is that so wrong?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

soulmate said:


> Sarah, sex is sex is sex, whether it is oral or intercourse or hmm, is there anything else? I dont need intercourse every time. I am not happy with the "just accept it"


But what is there to accept ? really

When you want sex your husband will have sex with you. right? so whats your issue that he's not trying to jump you when you're not in the mood. To be honest it sounds pretty good to me.

If the sex is bad or he's not making the effort well okay I'd see your point but your main issue is that he's not initiating sex. I've had something similar but that was where he wanted sex but wasn't initiating (we need to find a better word for it) in your case the occassions that you initiate sex are probably enough for your husband. I also think that the occassions when the sex isn't great might be down to him not being in the mood.


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## Kharma (Jan 21, 2009)

Soulmate...I was so relieved when I saw your post! I registered on this site for this very reason and I am thankful I am not alone!
~Hubby doesn't initiate sex, but is happy to 'do it' any time I initiate. No health issues here, no problem with sex drive, and everything functions just fine.
We've only been married 4 years...Problem is that after the first three years of being the one to initiate 95% of the time, the major frustration & irritation, completely reduced level of self-esteem, and lots of attempts at conversation to come to a compromise (conversations stopped because he does not like to talk about sex), I finally gave up.
When I stopped initiating, the sex dropped to once a month and now, a year later we average about once every 4-6 weeks. Conversation, even though I completely prefer this approach, is not an option-he clams up, shuts down and checks out. 
I would love ANY suggestions! Especially ones that take into account my frustration that things are so one-sided (his side)


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## Kharma (Jan 21, 2009)

Sarah-you would be suprised how big of a deal it is when you are in the situation.
I came into this marriage a very confident women with a high sex drive and very much looked forward to the comfort and fun of having a partner for life.
I happen to see sex as 50% of a marriage and communication the other 50%...each make both better and without one the other suffers...hence a suffering marriage.
For a women, it is quite important to feel wanted/desired-to never feel desired by your husband is a big deal. For me, it is in my thoughts in some way every single day.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Kharma said:


> Sarah-you would be suprised how big of a deal it is when you are in the situation.
> I came into this marriage a very confident women with a high sex drive and very much looked forward to the comfort and fun of having a partner for life.
> I happen to see sex as 50% of a marriage and communication the other 50%...each make both better and without one the other suffers...hence a suffering marriage.
> For a women, it is quite important to feel wanted/desired-to never feel desired by your husband is a big deal. For me, it is in my thoughts in some way every single day.


I've been with guys in the past that rarely or never initiated sex, it didn't bother me they were always up for it when I wanted it so honestly why would I have a problem?

It was just their sexual preference, and it didn't bother me. I did talk and joke about it with them, they never really articulated their reasons they were just more comfortable with me initiating it. Although routine has always been a big part of my sex life so often its not even really a case of anyone having to initiate it.

I don't really understand why it should affect anybodies self esteem.

As for not being able to talk about sex with your husband that's different. Humour is always good I've found, dirty jokes etc etc once he's heard you use sexual terms first he might take the prompting as with the sex.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Kharma-

As I mentioned above in post #4, I have this situation to some extent. We have sex every day because I initiate it. In the past if I did not initiate, she would take many days to come on to me, and it was never very convincing. She would be shocked to read this, but what I am saying is that despite being good looking, I was never getting the "you're so hot I just have to have you" from her.

So we have sex every day because I initiate. She has got so used to it, that if I stopped initiating, she would probably ask for it every 3 or 4 days. In the past it would have been every 2 weeks.

So you have chosen to deprive both of you of sex because you are not getting the positive affirmation from hubby?

Have you told him you would have sex more often if he initiated?


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## Kharma (Jan 21, 2009)

with regard to depriving
It takes a bit more for a woman to be ready for sex than it does a man. Also, sex is very mental for women.
For me to be the sole initiator means he's good to go, but now I also have to ask for the additional that I need. It's not much of an ego boost (so then affecting the mental part).
Believe me, I thought I was up for it when we were first married. I was confident enough and had a high enough sex drive that I didn't think it was so bad that I had to do what I happen to think is much sexier for a man to do. Fast forward the handful of years of all the other little stupid stuff that collects in your head (the dishes, laundry, money, more mental blocks) and what seemed like something that was totally do-able in now a burden of a responsiblity.
So I am not depriving either of us...I am simply tired of things being so one sided that it is simply not worth the effort of being the sole initiator.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Kharma-

There are other men on this site who confess towanting sex all the time but not getting it simply becuase they lack the guts to initiate. Then they get moody and feel deprived. Again their internal code of conduct does not allow them to say why they are moody. If they were to say: You never give me sex, it would sound ridiculous, because they never ask.

When I said you were depriving him, I meant that as you were the only one capable of picking up that role, if you don't do it, no-one does it.

Also you did not aswer my last question


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## Kharma (Jan 21, 2009)

Oh yes! I have told him. That is probably part of the ego busting part...he knows I want to-I have told him in no uncertain terms, but chooses TV, projects, video games, etc over me.
When we first married, I talked to him about it-I am very open about sex, he is not.
As the issue continued, I came up with 'his days' and 'my days' to initiate so the pressure of getting turned down (if that was a concern) was gone. Somehow...the days were never convenient.
The issue continued so I attempted another conversation. That was when he told me his is simply not comfortable discussing it at all.
Like I said, I used to be very open and comfortable with sex. Because he is so uncomfortable with it, it has rubbed off on me and that is also taking toll. Connecting through talking and being open is a big deal mentally. When certain topics are off limits, it really leaks into a lot of other parts of a relationship.

Which brings me back to my theory that sex is 50% of marriage and communication is the other 50% when one part isn't working...it screws up a lot of other things.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Kharma said:


> Which brings me back to my theory that sex is 50% of marriage and communication is the other 50% when one part isn't working...it screws up a lot of other things.


Well, we are on the same page here! So what are you going to do about it?


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Kharma, I totally get it. I understand that some people, including Sarah don't have self-esteem issues, but I am having a hard time understanding why they don't understand. We love, adore, want, desire our husbands, we give the whole committment, including sex. Don't we deserve the same in response. Dare I say it is even a matter of respect? Maybe that is going a little far, but is it really? To greatly simplify matters, how about this scenario? If you told your spouse that it really bothers you when he or she leaves his or her dirty socks in the middle of the living room floor and your spouse continued to do it day in and day out, would you feel less than respected? Is the problem communication because I really don't think it is sex. I am lucky that my husband has no problem talking about sex, we are very open and comfortable with each other physically. But I deal with that internal voice that says to me, "Why doesn't he desire you enough to come to you and say Make love to me?" It is a painful thing to contemplate. Kharma and I are not talking about an annoyance issue, we are not talking about dirty socks, we are talking about the most intimate act that two people can share.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well... I have gained a lot form this thread.

I realised today that although my wife does not initiate sex often or in the earth-shattering way I want, she does other things that make me feel validated:

In particular she smiles at me during the day so sweetly, it is as if she is saying I am the best husband in the world, she never used to do this, but now that we are getting on so much better than in the past, all sorts of good things are happening.

She did also initiate sex today, and we had a laugh about her choice of words. When I joked that she would have to do better than that, she said she couldn't muster up anything better as she was feeling like a dish-rag! Oh yeah, she knows how to talk sexy 

I showed her part of this thread and she said she can't understand: If the other spouse is willing to have sex on demand, then that proves they find the other one desirable. She is correct of course, so I suppose it boils down to whether one is demonstrative or not.

So for me, the more I think about it the more I feel I am getting hung up over very little. Not many men get sex 300+ times a year


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

soulmate-

so when you actually do it, does he make appreciative comments or sounds? Does he romance you outside of sex?


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

My husband is very loving, he hugs and kisses me, he makes positive comments, he uses endearments, etc. He can certainly talk the talk, so why can't he walk the walk?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

soulmate said:


> My husband is very loving, he hugs and kisses me, he makes positive comments, he uses endearments, etc. He can certainly talk the talk, so why can't he walk the walk?


So he does all that, and he has sex when you want even though he mightn't be in the mood. I'm sorry I think you should rethink what exactly the problems are.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

This is all very interesting. As I said above, when I showed this thread to my wife, she could not understand what my problem was or anyone else's. What it seems to boil down to is that the desire is felt, but there is timidity with regard to expressing it via initiating sex in a sexy way :scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I feel for you soulmate. i know how it feels when one's spouse doesnt initiate. It really killed my self-esteem. If this kind of thing happened when I was dating, I could just leave and find someone else. i never had self-esteem issues prior to my H. but having to stay in the situation for so long with my H, with out any other way to be able to validate my self-esteem, just really took a toll on me. 

If this had of happened with someone I didnt love, i know it wouldnt have been that big of a deal. but it was a huge deal, and i dont know that i could have stayed if i didnt think there was a chance my H would change. 

things are getting better for my H and I, but i made a very big deal out of it.


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## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

thank you for you input, ljtseng. I am glad that the situation has improved, I hope the same happens for me.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Since you two can talk about sex, why not say - 

Tell me you want me 

Tell me you need to make love to me


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## lonelyy (Mar 23, 2012)

hey i have a same problem my husband never initiates sex... it has been just an year of our wedding and i can actually count how many times we had. He loves me a lot cares for me... but i dont know why he never initiates... it hurts me and makes me depressed. I am shy in discussing it with him but i few days back i tried to discuss he took it as a joke and said for him sex is not everything. if had medical problem and we cannot have sex it doesnot mean that i dont love you.. thats all then i stopped and deviated the topic... but deep down i always think and feel hurt about our sex life.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Soulmate,

I think you need to keep in mind here that if you intiate and he accepts, that's not a bad thing.

If on the other hand you initiate and get rejected by your partner (which happens to a lot of the folks here, yours truly included) it leads to alot of other negative emotions and feelings of self-doubt and loathing.

I do agree that iniating is a great way to show your spouse that you truly want and desire them in a physical way and I know it's something that does wonders for mt self-esteem when it does happen (which is very infrequently in my relationship)

Keep talking to him. Tell him you want to know if he truly desires you and wants to be with you physically. If he says yes (which I am sure he will) tell him he needs to show it now and then!


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I didnt read any of the 3 pages of responses.

Your H needs testosterone. Any guy that has it coursing through his veins wants it more than once every couple of weeks.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

But he doesn't have a medical problem. Unless he has low T. I think a lot of people don't realize sex is a valid emotional need in marriage. 
I would feel the same way if I were you. I've been there in a couple of relationships and it hurts. 
You want to feel wanted, like he thinks about sex with you more than just when you bring it up. 
Have you read about doing a 180 and turning down the thermostat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I thought they both had medical issues?

Either way: stop worrying about him initiating. Do it yourself. If I waited around for my H to initiate, I'd be waiting a hell of a long time.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's what she is saying. It's always her and that bothers her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> That's what she is saying. It's always her and that bothers her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's something to be said about guys wanting their wives to initiate also. I know its usually the guy's responsibility and yes its better for them to say yes than to say no. I guess its the whole women don't want to appear desperate/****ty and they want to be chased. I think its the same thing as romance. Guys don't need romance like women do, but that doesn't mean we don't ever need a little bit of it from time to time. 

A HUGE turn on for me is when the wife initiates. Being the HD with a LD, I don't see it often. I'd be happy with 1-2 times a month and ready any other time. I get why its an issue. You want your spouse to take you like your body holds the cure for cancer once in awhile. It's good for your ego :smthumbup:


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

soulmate said:


> Thanks for the responses. I don't think that my husband has a low sex drive. He enjoys sex, and yes, I do please him and not myself (frequently). With that in mind, I don't understand why we don't have more parity in our sexual relationship. I have told him repeatedly how I feel about the situation. I know that it is my hang up but give me a break, even if he initiated sex once a week, I would be happier. Is it a selfishness issue? If it is, am I being selfish or is he? It bothers me, he knows it bothers me and yet he makes no attempt to change the situation. Am I reading too much into this? I wonder if sex is more important to me than it is to him?


I think that sex is probably more important to you then him. So either he changes for you, you change for him, you meet in the middle or you two do nothing.

I think meeting somewhere in the middle would be a good place to start. For example, if he is happy with sex ever 3 weeks and you are happy with once a week, how about compromise at every 2 weeks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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