# Expat life a burden on marraige



## expat_uae

Hi I am currently an expat and currently going through a big downer in my relationship.

I am currently on my second marriage after putting my life together after my 1st wife cheated on me.


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## Married but Happy

Why is being an expat a burden on the relationship? Does your wife not want to live wherever you are any longer? And if you relocated, would that make any significant difference, or just delay further problems?


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## expat_uae

Married but Happy said:


> Why is being an expat a burden on the relationship? Does your wife not want to live wherever you are any longer? And if you relocated, would that make any significant difference, or just delay further problems?


I live in Dubai, but I don’t care fir the lifestyle here. I save as much as I can fir a secure future.

I honestly do not know where to turn at the moment.

I am on my second marriage. 1st one failed as my ex wife cheated on me. I manage to pick myself up and move on and I have been with my partner now for 6 years. The alarm bells started a while ago with some considerable passive aggressive behaviour.

at the moment I am being ignored, she is in the bedroom and I am in living room and the the past 8 hours she has not spoken to me. Completely ignore any conversation points with me as I commented on something she did not like.

My partner does not work and I give her around $1000 dollars a month and just ask her to get the food shopping and the rest of the cash is hers to do what ever she wants with. I brought her a car and provide everything needed like house, bills paid etc. We typically eat out a minimum of 1 night per week in a nice restaurant. More recently she has been moaning at me about money, where is my money going where are your savings etc. I also had a bonus from my employer of $20k which I put into savings, and she demanded that I increase her monthly money to $1500 as she needs to save for herself.

I see that my income is for the family including kids. She does not want for anything. As for example last year we went on a 4 week holiday across Europe coving Paris, Belgium, London and multiple parts of the U.K. while on holiday not once did I get a simple token gesture of a thank you or not of appreciation. The year before we had 4 international holidays, Singapore, UK, Spain and Italy together. But looking back on it, again I do not see any shred of appreciation.

The last time I had a smile and thank you from her was when she got a LV bag. I get no hugs, not one “I love you” in over a year...

the problem is we have a child together and at the moment my thoughts are all for making my daughters life happy. I have kids from a previous marriage who my current partner resents considerably.

I refer to my wife as a partner, as I don’t see her fulfilling her role as a wife.

I have no friends that I trust to discus this with as they all are still in contact with my ex wife. Also I do not have any family and am finding it difficult dealing with the negative from my partner


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## Married but Happy

Okay, so things are a mess and there is no positive expectation of change in the future. Can you return to your home country, and/or seek a divorce? Things will NOT change without decisive action on your part. At the very least, stop pandering to her - you can't "nice" her into being interested in you, or appreciative. She will only appreciate what she had when she faces losing it all.


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## jlg07

expat_uae said:


> she demanded that I increase her monthly money to $1500 as she needs to save for herself.


SO she is clearly planning for HER to be comfortable in the future -- SEPARATE from you.
these are all red flags. What is driving this? Have you spoken with her as to what the issues are?


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## Andy1001

I would give her slightly less housekeeping money.
About nine hundred dollars less.


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## EleGirl

expat_uae said:


> I live in Dubai, but I don’t care fir the lifestyle here. I save as much as I can fir a secure future.


What is your country of origin? Is Dubai her country of origin? This is important because culture and religion can make a huge difference in all this.



expat_uae said:


> I honestly do not know where to turn at the moment.
> 
> I am on my second marriage. 1st one failed as my ex wife cheated on me. I manage to pick myself up and move on and I have been with my partner now for 6 years. The alarm bells started a while ago with some considerable passive aggressive behaviour.
> 
> at the moment I am being ignored, she is in the bedroom and I am in living room and the the past 8 hours she has not spoken to me. Completely ignore any conversation points with me as I commented on something she did not like.
> 
> My partner does not work and I give her around $1000 dollars a month and just ask her to get the food shopping and the rest of the cash is hers to do what ever she wants with. I brought her a car and provide everything needed like house, bills paid etc. We typically eat out a minimum of 1 night per week in a nice restaurant. More recently she has been moaning at me about money, where is my money going where are your savings etc. I also had a bonus from my employer of $20k which I put into savings, and she demanded that I increase her monthly money to $1500 as she needs to save for herself.
> 
> I see that my income is for the family including kids. She does not want for anything. As for example last year we went on a 4 week holiday across Europe coving Paris, Belgium, London and multiple parts of the U.K. while on holiday not once did I get a simple token gesture of a thank you or not of appreciation. The year before we had 4 international holidays, Singapore, UK, Spain and Italy together. But looking back on it, again I do not see any shred of appreciation.


Does your wife work outside the home?

I don't know what the cost of living is like in Dubai. I also do not know what your income is. Since I don't know those things, I have no idea if $1,000 a month is enough or not. 

It sounds like you control all bank accounts, savings, and investments. I would be very upset if my husband controlled all the finances like that. Why are you controlling everything? Why does she have so little insight and say into your (hers and yours) finances?

Does she have her own money, her own accounts?



expat_uae said:


> The last time I had a smile and thank you from her was when she got a LV bag. I get no hugs, not one “I love you” in over a year...
> 
> the problem is we have a child together and at the moment my thoughts are all for making my daughters life happy. I have kids from a previous marriage who my current partner resents considerably.
> 
> I refer to my wife as a partner, as I don’t see her fulfilling her role as a wife.
> 
> I have no friends that I trust to discus this with as they all are still in contact with my ex wife. Also I do not have any family and am finding it difficult dealing with the negative from my partner


It's too bad she cannot come here and tell us her side of things. That would be interesting.


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## MJJEAN

Is there a reason she is concerned about money? 

Why does she not work? Is she, perhaps, feeling insecure being dependent on you without an income of her own?

Do you spend time together, just the two of you, in private, without distraction? 

Is marriage counseling a possibility?


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## expat_uae

Hi, 

Thank you fo the replies. 

to address the questions from Elegirl, it may look on paper I am controlling with my money, I have a strict budget I will not spend more than $xxx per month as I have a target of saving 50% of my income. The money available every month covers everything that a normal family can desire, it covers International holidays, eating out, theme parks, activities etc.. 

My wife is Asian and I am British
My wife is a housewife. My daughter is in school during the day from 7.30 am to 2.30 pm. My wife is generally home. 
cost of Living - She typically has $400-$500 spares every month to do what she wants with. 

Ok, Savings/Bank accounts in UAE you are not able to get a bank account as an expat without a Job. 
My wife is named on my bank account and has both my bank and credit card at her disposal. 
We have just purchased an apartment in her home country together with cash for pension investment. 
We will be building a small 2 Bed House on Land she was given from her father in her home town as a holiday home.
My wife does see that bank statements for the savings and investments, which are held offshore 
My wife is named on my will to receive 25% of my assets if I Die, 25% to my daughter and my other 4 kids get 12.5% each. 

My wife has her own investments (property and land), which I am not named on, from the death of her mother.

I have an ex-wife and property in the UK, where my ex-wife has the rights to live until my kids are 18. 5 more years on that agreement. where I pay maintenance to both ex-wife and kids. 

It was agreed 3 years back we would focus on buying an investment property in her home country, and then we would focus on building up enough cash for a large deposit on a family home in the UK. So I am sticking to the plan that we agreed.


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## expat_uae

MJJEAN said:


> Is there a reason she is concerned about money?


Job security has not been great in the past and she is paranoid about preparing for the future



MJJEAN said:


> Why does she not work? Is she, perhaps, feeling insecure being dependent on you without an income of her own?


Unable to get a job after having a child 4.5 years back. 



MJJEAN said:


> Do you spend time together, just the two of you, in private, without distraction?


I typically spend most of my time home with her as she does not want to get a baby sitter so we can have a date night! 
I am home every night and do not often go out. I go out maybe 1 every 2 months



MJJEAN said:


> Is marriage counseling a possibility?


I have tried but she refuses. I have asked her to speak to people at the church. But she closes down and refuses to open up/


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## expat_uae

jlg07 said:


> SO she is clearly planning for HER to be comfortable in the future -- SEPARATE from you.
> these are all red flags. What is driving this? Have you spoken with her as to what the issues are?


When she asked for money a few months back I ask what are you worried about why do you need to save etc. All she said was "Just because" then went silent. 

As with all conflicts/arguments we have, nothing gets resolved. She ignores me for a day and then everything in her head is back to normal the next day. I need things to be discussed in the open for me I have many arguments that have not been resolved.


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## heartsbeating

There's a lot in this!

It confuses me that she has asked where your money is going - yet also has access and visual to statements and investments. What am I missing here? Could you set a regular time together (monthly, perhaps) to go through your finances, so that together you're each aware of all the financials? There's no doubt a reason she is expressing insecurity about the status of things. And where there are joint accounts and shared investments, I'm all for transparency. In this respect, I think she's wise to ask the questions. Which can be answered by going through it together.

But as you're sharing more, I'm not sure what the main issue is you're trying to resolve.

The request for additional spending? Which takes me back to what I wrote above.

Is it the perceived lack of appreciation / affection for the vacations and such?

Or is it that she shuts down?

...all of this comes across like resentment is building from you. How do you handle conflict?

And have you ever just calmly expressed to her what you wrote above? 'I need things to be discussed in the open so that we can resolve them..'


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## heartsbeating

Further thoughts: did your wife work before you moved to Dubai?

Although you don't like the lifestyle, how is she spending her days? Do you have a nanny and home-helpers? Is she social with other ex-pats during the day, where there might be group expectations that relate to the spending (such as clothing etc?)


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## heartsbeating

expat_uae said:


> I refer to my wife as a partner, as I don’t see her fulfilling her role as a wife.


What's the difference, from your view?


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## ReformedHubby

Your post actually makes me curious about the start of your relationship. This doesn't sound like a romantic relationship/marriage. It sounds more like an arrangement, or sugar dating, no judgement if thats a case. Some men and woman prefer that kind of thing. I say this because it feels like she expects to be paid to be with you, and from what you typed I guess it also feels like she is ready for a raise, and your household won't be a happy one until she gets one. 

I myself am a VERY generous man to almost everyone in my life when it comes to sharing what I've been blessed with, but an attitude like the one your wife is displaying would instantly harden my heart.


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