# The effects of having an alcoholic husband?



## Dulcinea

Hello,

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He doesn't drink everyday but when he drinks he doesn't stop. The thing is that now he says he has it under control and can have just one beer and walk away. For work reasons, we do not live together right now. I dont trust this "under control" thing very much. The problem is I recently found myself having anxiety around people drinking and not wanting to go to bars anymore. Anyone had this problem as a consequence of being with an alcoholic? how do you overcome this?


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## Giro flee

It's not my husband but my Dad who drinks. I can't even tell you how many times my Dad has said he's got it under control. He's had varying degrees of success over my lifetime, one dry stretch lasted over five years. He always goes back. I've read many books about alcoholism and how it affects the people around the alcoholic and its never good. It took me years to be comfortable around other people drinking, especially my own husband. I still will get really angry being around people who are drinking for entertainment, or drinking to get drunk. I'm fine with people having a drink with dinner, or a few drinks watching the game. But glossy eyed drunks disgust me. I just try to keep away. The holidays are the worst, there always seems to be at least one person drinking too much.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You should go to AA meetings for spouses of alcoholics. I forgot exactly the name of the meeting, I think it's alanon, but I could be wrong. Right now you are being codependent and they can help you move in the right direction.

My dad is a lifetime recovering alcoholic. Once he quit drinking, he moved onto another addiction and so on. My mom does a great job helping him and they truly are meant for each other. 

Good luck!


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## deejov

Yeah, that's me. I can't stand to be around drunk people. But that's usually because I'm not drinking when that happens. 

My husband also used to fool himself with the "I can have a couple". He even went to see an IC, and told me she agreed that he had it under control and he could social drink. He was the excecption to the rule, of course.
It took another year for him to really admit he had a problem.

Al Anon helped me quite a bit, even though I only went to 3 meetings. The positive thing about what he is doing is it is a step towards admitting \ resolving the problem. It's normal to do this.


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## Mavash.

My dad is an alcoholic and it affected my attitude about drinking. I specifically married someone who feels the same way. We have the equivalent of one drink per month, don't do bars and don't hang out with people who drink excessively.


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## Dulcinea

I feel better knowing that it's not only me. He has admitted he does have an alcohol problem but he doesn't wanna give up alcohol completely, he says he wants to learn to drink responsibly. I doubt this can happen for people who have been adicted though. I havent been to a meeting but have read some books on the subject and realised I was being an enabler (I think they call it) and so I stopped doing that for him to have the consequences of his drinking and it was then when he decided to stop. Now I'm not around, he seems to drink at home which he has never done before (that was a rule for us) but says he just has one beer every once in a while. As mean as it could sound, I am expecting a call saying something bad happened one day. I do love my husband but when he drinks he turns into a hurtful person, anger problem, and so now whenever I'm around people drinking I get so deffensive and stressed I need to leave. What do you do when you're around drunk people or people drinking? do you just ignore them? it's like they trigger something in me....


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## Mavash.

I'll repeat what I said.

I do NOT hang out with people who drink.

Period end of story.

My only exception is the few times I visit family and can't leave.

Those times I pretend to drink as much as them and I remind myself it's just for a few days.


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## Giro flee

I do not drink at all. My h has one drink with a meal, maybe two if he's watching sports. I can handle that. I never go to bars, and I have an agreement with h that I will leave with the kids if his family gets out of control on their drinking. Luckily there are only two problem drinkers on that side and we rarely see them. My family lives far from me so they are not usually a problem. My parents are aware that my family will not visit if there is any drinking at all. I really try hard to avoid drunks, they are nowhere near as entertaining as they think they are. I have almost zero tolerance for glossy eyed drunks with their boozy laughing, it just totally disgusts me. I'm 45 and drunks still make me uncomfortable so I guess I don't know how to help. Other than to read a lot and learn all of your own behaviors that enable at all. Alcoholics are the most manipulative people there are. Good luck.


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## lady kate

I absolutely have similar feelings around people who drink heavily - probably because I have too much experience with how quickly "a few drinks" can go very sour. I had to a cut a friend out of my life because her heavy drinking and bad behavior was more than I could cope with while dealing with my husband's recovery and relapse. Especially when that friend went to jail for a DUI and did nothing to change her alcohol intake.


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## Dulcinea

Thanks so much for your replies. Sorry for not being able to answer earlier. Since I posted this, things have happened. This morning my husband texted me (a bit of background story: I am from Spain and he is from US, he is currently living in the US and I am still in Spain waiting for my visa to travel there. It has been a month now separated). So in his text he asked me to call him for something really important (2am in NY, 9am here in Spain). I thought he was in danger or something so I called him and he asked me to find him a tow truck for his car. I noticed from the second one he was drunk. So drink and driving and calling me to get him out of trouble...when I'm on the other side of the world! I am so angry and disappointed. He has history being abusive when he drinks and that's one of the reasons I didn't travel with him to the US. I wanted to see how he would do it on his own for a bit. Now I am really considering if I should move out there or not. 

And the other side of the story is it seems that talking to them (alcoholics, abusers, addicts....) doesnt take you anywhere. If later when he wakes up of his drunken night out, I tell him how disappointed I am and repit for the 1,000 time that I won't go there until he gets help for his alcohol and anger problems, he would just get furious, blame shift, threat, manipulate, insult.... And I feel so mad at myself for not knowing how to react to this. He always manipulates me and makes me feel so bad about myself. Can anyone who has dealt with this before help me out, please? I am thinking if I should divorce him.....


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## Giro flee

Yup, that's how alcoholism works. The addict can get everyone around them performing like little dogs at the circus. They will cycle through their bag of tricks to get what they want, which is to keep drinking. Anger, begging, denial, blaming others, minimizing the problem, overly charming when not drinking; they are experts at getting you to think they are ok and they are not. I would never move in with an alcoholic because I'm too damaged from growing up with one. 

You cannot fix an alcoholic, not by being the best spouse, the best lover, the best friend, etc. Helping an alcoholic get their car towed is enabling, sympathizing with all of their crap is enabling, letting them intimidate and shame you into staying is enabling. It is contrary to human nature to let addicts suffer their consequences, we don't want to see our loved ones in pain. However by helping them we are helping them keep their addiction ongoing. 

I'm sorry but I think divorce should absolutely be on the table. It is entirely his responsibility to get help. I would not move in with him unless and until he has completed a program and remains alcohol free for a very extended amount of time. When he gets angry, insulting, hurt, etc. just tell him you are sorry he feels that way but it is not healthy for either of you to remain in this relationship. 

Have you read any of the literature out there bout alcoholism? Have you spoken to a counselor, our own behavior can become self destructive after living with an addict. Don't let him convince you that this isn't a big problem because it is an enormous problem.


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## Dulcinea

Giro flee said:


> Yup, that's how alcoholism works. The addict can get everyone around them performing like little dogs at the circus. They will cycle through their bag of tricks to get what they want, which is to keep drinking. Anger, begging, denial, blaming others, minimizing the problem, overly charming when not drinking; they are experts at getting you to think they are ok and they are not. I would never move in with an alcoholic because I'm too damaged from growing up with one.
> 
> You cannot fix an alcoholic, not by being the best spouse, the best lover, the best friend, etc. Helping an alcoholic get their car towed is enabling, sympathizing with all of their crap is enabling, letting them intimidate and shame you into staying is enabling. It is contrary to human nature to let addicts suffer their consequences, we don't want to see our loved ones in pain. However by helping them we are helping them keep their addiction ongoing.
> 
> I'm sorry but I think divorce should absolutely be on the table. It is entirely his responsibility to get help. I would not move in with him unless and until he has completed a program and remains alcohol free for a very extended amount of time. When he gets angry, insulting, hurt, etc. just tell him you are sorry he feels that way but it is not healthy for either of you to remain in this relationship.
> 
> Have you read any of the literature out there bout alcoholism? Have you spoken to a counselor, our own behavior can become self destructive after living with an addict. Don't let him convince you that this isn't a big problem because it is an enormous problem.


Thanks a lot for your input, Giro Flee. I've started reading about it a few months ago after one big fight we had. I can see everything he does to manipulate me, I just have a hard time reacting to it in the right way. I am aware of enabling behaviour and I can see how I did that by helping him getting the car towed. My question is, in this specific case scenario, what would you have done? In most reading material, they say that we shouldn't nag at them or get angry, just pretend as if it didn't happen and get on with our lives. But as soon as he mentions about me going to the states, I want to be able to tell him that I am not coming and the reasons. It is very hard to stop enabling because I don't want him to get angry, insult me or threat me. The good thing is that we are apart right now, which was needed, so all he can do is talk but it still hurts. Do you know any good books about how to stop enabling or deal with an alcoholic spouse?


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## Giro flee

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Alcoholics use anger, shame, etc. to get what they want. I was trained from childhood how to avoid conflict, my mother is the classic enabler. Alcoholics choose partners that will not stand up to their manipulative behavior. They yell and insult and we back off or appease. My mom covers up for him, deflects phone calls, picks him up from bars, cleans up things he broke while drunk, strives to make his life perfect so he won't need to drink and so much more. 

I kept a few books but I have read dozens. "Codependent no more: how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself" by Melody Beattie was helpful. "Getting them sober you can help" by Toby Rice Drews was good. Most of my books are about children of alcoholics so they wouldn't be relevant for you.

You are right about the nagging, when they are sober the tendency is to try and shame them back for their bad behavior. This is also part of codependency. It is really difficult to see the difference between consequences, boundaries, expectations and enabling. I still struggle with this with my parents. Do I let them see the grand kids? It's so hard. 

I really would not move forward in this relationship without a lot of counseling. Specifically I would not have helped him at all with his car problem. When he begs for you to move I would repeat the expectations and boundaries you need for a healthy relationship.When the anger or begging starts end the conversation, do not get sucked into yelling yourself.


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## Dulcinea

I have recently read "Codependency no more" when I was looking for some answers and it was very helpful, especially to understand what I'm doing that is helping him to behave like this. At the beginning of the relationship, I always spoke my mind and was very clear about certain things but because of the way he reacts, I starting backing up and avoiding conflict. That hasn't helped me much. 

When we skype, he always says how much he needs me there and that he wants me to hurry up and go live with him again. I need to start learning how to set boundaries and how to end the conversation when he is being disrespecful. I think I need councelling myself for all the damage this has caused. I told him to go to councelling while he was in the states. It's been a month and nothing has happened. I understand it takes some time to settle in a new city but this is important. I would like to remind it about it without him getting defensive....it's difficult to deal with this type of people and it drains me.


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## JayS

Dulcinea said:


> I feel better knowing that it's not only me. He has admitted he does have an alcohol problem but he doesn't wanna give up alcohol completely, he says he wants to learn to drink responsibly. I doubt this can happen for people who have been adicted though. I havent been to a meeting but have read some books on the subject and realised I was being an enabler (I think they call it) and so I stopped doing that for him to have the consequences of his drinking and it was then when he decided to stop. Now I'm not around, he seems to drink at home which he has never done before (that was a rule for us) but says he just has one beer every once in a while. As mean as it could sound, I am expecting a call saying something bad happened one day. I do love my husband but when he drinks he turns into a hurtful person, anger problem, and so now whenever I'm around people drinking I get so deffensive and stressed I need to leave. What do you do when you're around drunk people or people drinking? do you just ignore them? it's like they trigger something in me....


I'm an alcoholic. My wife separated from me because of it. For a true alcoholic, there is no "controlled drinking" It's actually even proven medically now. Alcoholics don't produce enough "dopamine" which is the natural chemical our body produces to create happy feelings. In medical fact, the alcoholic, on a scale of 1 to 10 for dopamine rates about a 2 or 3, wherein most people (not including depressives and such) rank 9 to 10. Alcohol causes the dopamine levels to spike, thus creating the addiction. So, if an alcoholic is trying moderate drinking, you can almost guarantee that inside he is very uptight, and it's a forced exercise. I know, I've tried it too many times. Eventually, though I have no authority to say in every case, the alcoholic will return to full out drinking. I was trying so hard to control it for my wife that eventually I gave up and just started sneaking booze and lying about it, as I knew there was no controlling it.
That is what hurt her most...lying in the face of the obvious (her finding bottles everywhere) It is a serious disease, and it has to be seen as a cancer. I am reconciling with my wife, though it's a long hard road. I would recommend to you that he MUST STOP altogether. I hate to say this, because it near killed me when my wife left, but if leaving will drive home a point to him, perhaps that's an option for you. Even then, he must stop for himself and not just to get you back. I wish you both all the best.


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