# Devastated by husband's emotional affair



## HURT123 (Feb 19, 2013)

Hello everyone. I am really struggling right now and would greatly appreciate any guidance or outside thoughts. This will end up being a bit long, but I feel I need to give the full picture. 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (only married for 5). We have a 4-year-old and a 6-month-old. I love him, though we are complete opposites. The biggest problem in our relationship has been my fear/anxiety of social situations and also our differences in habits. He drinks every day and works at a brewery (used to do bartending and now is head of sales)--it is a HUGE part of his life. I don't drink AT ALL and actually have issues from my childhood that make me really uncomfortable around intoxicated people. It is a constant struggle for us. I can't seem to work on my fear of being out, and what happens is I end up at home all the time with the kids.. I even work from home so my contact with the outside world is very little.

About a year or so ago (around the time I was finding out I was pregnant with our second baby) I discovered some items in our car that belonged to another female. It was a Christmas card that someone had given her, which had her name on it, and it appeared as if she had just left it by mistake in the car. I asked about it, he mentioned that this individual was a female at work and they had gone to a party after their bar shift a few evenings prior and that they hung out occasionally. I had no idea, this was the first I'd heard of her, so I felt very strange about it, told him I didn't want him socializing with her outside of work. Kept my cool, didn't accuse him of anything. The first year of our relationship, he had kissed another girl and this always hung around in my head and made me a bit insecure.

A few months later, my husband attended a basketball game with friends and ended up getting so intoxicated that he was incoherent. I called him for hours, couldn't reach him, and then eventually he called me telling me he was on his way home and this same particular female, let's call her L, was giving him a ride home. I was horrified... why was he with her, what is going on, he's definitely having an affair with her... my thoughts were out of control. I was really mad about the situation, but he swore nothing has and would ever happen with her, he didn't think of her in that way, etc. Oh, and I just have to add that this woman is drop dead goregous, wonderful right? I got over it, believed him, even emailed the woman thanking her for giving him a ride home and keeping him safe. I told him AGAIN that I didn't want him to have any contact with her outside of work. At this point, it became a constant issue. I would always ask if he'd been with her and we would even make jokes about them being together. I totall believed he didn't see her outside of work and didn't have any interest in her at all. 

The last month I'd been feeling extremely suspicous. He seemed to be getting home later or not answering his phone for periods of time, or being sketchy about details. Always saying he was hanging out with a male friend of his, and I believed it. Last Saturday for some reason I started snooping through his phone (yes I know this is wrong) but it happenned. I stumbled across a text (which was actually not from her, but from a male friend). It was on Valentines day and the friend had asked him, "whatcha up to." My husband said "oh, just heading to have drinks" the friend said "oh with your wife" and my husband responded "F-No, my wife doesn't go out, I'm meeting L." I lost my breath, completely confused as I"d asked him to go out to dinner numerous times and he kept saying no, it would stress me out and we'd just stay home for Valentines day. I did find one text from her in there, which was a character picture of a monkey to which he sent back a smiley face. 

I confronted him, he admitted to hanging out with her on Valentines Day. Another male friend ended up showing up as well, but the plans were made with just her. He admitted to hanging out with her and getting drinks with her 2 to 3 times a week after work. He admited that he has a huge crush on her and they text/call each other frequently. OF course I looked at our phone records and was sad to see all of the texts between them. He basically admitted, yes I am having an emotional affair--swears nothing physical has ever happenned. He had a daily habit of deleting the text messages from her on his phone before he came home and lied to me almost every day about what he had done. Meanwhile, I'm at home working 40 hours a week watching babies at the same time and he's out doing THIS?!!

I went absolutely crazy, I texted the girl from his phone to see what types of responses I could get and she eventually knew it was me. IT does seem true that it is not physical, and that possibly she really just thinks of him as a friend, but I was mean to her and am embarassed now. She emailed me, explaining that my husband really loves me and there is nothing going on and all they talk about his me and the kids or her boyfriends. I explained to her that I considered that an emotional affair and had no idea they even hung out, and he lied about EVERYTHING, after I repeatedly told him not to have contact with her. She got pretty snooty, acting like I'm blowing this out of proportion, making my husband and her sound like the victims and like he's such a wonderful guy saying they are "both hurt' and just like eacho thers company, but she has a boyfriend (a new one every week actually). She admited that she knows lots of details about our marriage and doesn't undersand why I won't just go out and spend time with my husband and how love means compromising and doing things we don't like and how hurt he is that I dont go "party" with him. I admit, I have issues there and obviously made my husband crave social interaction and attention from other females, but I absolutely hate how one-sided of a story she has from my husband. 

I am so angry and sad and really just want to divorce him. The other part of me says no, we have children, that is not fair to them not to try., which of course he says he wants to do and doesn't know what had gotten in to him and is "glad" I caught him before other things could happen. He swears he loves me to death and doesn't want anyone else, but how can he expect me to believe that? I go from hysterical tears to complete anger and just don't know where to go from here. He still works with her, and that isn't going to change. I just don't think we can recover and I don't know how to stop being so angry with him. The only thing I know for sure is if we are going to try to make it work he cannot have any contact with this female whatsoever, which is impossible with his working situation so I feel doomed.


Do you all think I"ve blown this out of proportion? Honest opinions please?

Please give me some advice. I don't know what to do.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

No you are not blowing this out of proportion. Ask yourself this, is it right that he spend valentines day with another woman instead of coming home to you and your kids with flowers and nothing but i love you. Red flag he deletes his text messages. That's what my wife did. But she didn't realize it doesn't delete them totally in the history section i was able to peace together bits and peaces of there messages together. 

Im sorry to say if your deleting text messages your hiding something. He should not be going out with another woman 2-3 times a week. He should be coming home to you and your kids. period. If he is un happy he needs to talk to you, you need to talk to him. You guys need better communication. That's what my WS and my problem was. She would try to talk to me but id be in some mood so she finally stop trying. 

But staying with you husband is gonna be all up to you. He sounds like he needs to start coming straight home and not going out to the bar. ATM I'm trying to R with my wife but i still struggle to look at her and not think about the other guy. I still atm do not go a day without thinking about it. 

I wish i had more advice, but i guess you first need to really decide what your mentally willing to deal with. But you are not blowing anything out of proportion and also, DO NOT FEEL BAD about looking through your spouses phone. You have reason and follow your gut. when you married there is no more privacy and no secretes. Least there shouldn't be.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Oh also keep you guard up for a while, and keep a good eye on him. If you say this woman is gorgeous and the amount of times he was texting her means he was getting pretty hooked. So do not let your gaurd down cause he will try to rug sweep it and then possible slowly go back to what he was doing. Make him talk. If he don't want to show him the door. But what ever you do be strong dont back down. That was the mistake i made with my WS. My situation was a EA really close to turning PA. He needs to be held accountable and no that this is not appropriate. You may want to do some MC to help with communication.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're not wrong to feel so hurt. Your H has definitely been having an affair. It's really up to you how you handle this now. This doesn't go away or get better on its own. You have to make some decisions about how you go forward. He's been doing this and lying to you about it for a while. This isn't a good marriage.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Call me extreme but meeting up for drinks with another woman/man is a "date". You are not blowing things out of proportion. Maybe OW wasn't interested in him in "that" way, but regardless, your husband admitted being attracted to and emotionally involved with her. Their actions are inappropriate and definitely sounds like an EA. One should not be airing dirty laundry about the marriage to friends period. If you have a grievance, you should talk to a neutral third party like a counselor, online forum such as this, priest etc. 

What you are feeling now is totally normal. While you are responsible for fifty percent of the marriage problems as is he, he is 100% responsible for his EA. 

It is best to not make any rash decisions right now. Whether you can R with your husband depends on you but it also depends on him. If he is remorseful and transparent and agrees and follows through with no contact - this likely means a change of employment for him as soon as possible.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband is married. He needs to stop acting like a single immature party boy. Men do not act this way, specially not married men.

By the way you describe his friend "L", it seems they have an inappropriate and UNNECESSARY friendship. He doesn't need her and she doesn't need him. If he says otherwise than he is putting "L's" needs before yours, because that would mean he does need her, and if that is the case your husband doesn't need you and you can move on and find another man that will need you and dedicate himself to you. 

He is in the fog, WS hate the thought of their own spouse being with someone else, or them moving on without them, not needing them, bettering themselves without them.

Get yourself focused to deal with this problem head on.

The Healing Heart: The 180


Use the 180, to gear you towards your path in really thinking before you speak, recognizing your weaknesses and learning some self respect.


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## HURT123 (Feb 19, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your responses. 

I know that the marriage problems are not all his fault, but honestly before this happenned I really felt like for the most part things were going pretty well. I got a great new job at home so the financial stress went down and we have been trying to figure out more things to do together. He did talk to me recently about my anxiety and doing more things socially, and I agreed to work on that. 

I felt loved, now I just feel like an idiot. I feel ugly, unattractive, undesired, and just plain depressed. I haven't been able to eat for 3 days.. it's ridiculous! 

I guess part of me feels like he needs someone else because I will never be that type of person, the type of person this "L" woman is. I just wonder if we would both be happier if we weren't together-as much as it would hurt. There is love here, I know that for sure, but I just have this feeling it might be time to move forward. Then, there's the kids. I love them more than anything and want them to have 1 family unit. 

I am definitely open to counseling, but just am so angry right now. I wish that would go away but I feel like it will be awhile. He left for a short period the day after this all came out, but is back here now. I can't even really look at him without crying, and I know he feels awful but I feel manipulated by that, and wonder how genuine it really is. 

I'm not sure if I should leave with the kids for awhile, or he should, or if I just need to suck it up and talk through this and find some counseling help ASAP. 

And, he won't leave his job. It is the perfect job ... his dream job... and I wouldn't want him to give it up either because I understand how long and hard it was to get there. Maybe she'll get fired.. lol...

Any suggestions on the anger?


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## HURT123 (Feb 19, 2013)

They actually don't work "together" anymore really.. She is bartending, so he only sees her in passing at work. All of there interaction is occuring outside of work, just wonderful.


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## HURT123 (Feb 19, 2013)

Also, I just can't ever imagine being intimate with him again. 

It makes me so angry because the last 6 months or so, he has been constantly wanting it (which makes sense now). We manage 2-3 times a week and that's rough with a 6 month old and 2 full time jobs. He's always complained that is not enough for him. Not sure why I'm mentioning that, but it just keeps popping in my head that he's just thinking about her the entire time.. it makes me feel sick


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

No, you are not blowing this out of proportion. He is having an affair, he is sharing confidential information about your relationship with her. He gaslighted you about their relationship, then minimized it by saying we're just friends. He is enjoying recreational activities with her, and yeah...dating her. 

I recommend that he read "Not Just Frieds" by Shirley Glass, perhaps that will help him to see the situation clearly.

He is married and has a family now. That means he has to put you and the children first. He shouldn't be hanging out after work drinking. I agree that the two of you need to make time to spend quality time together, that doesn't need to include alcohol though. I really encourage you to seek help for your social anxiety, sooner than later.

He needs to agree to have No Contact with her. No Contact, nada, zip, zilch, none. No emails, texting, photos, car rides...he doesn't understand what he has done. He has betrayed you, your trust and your marriage by bringing a third party into it. 
He needs to show you his phone, anytime you want to see it. No deleting texts, emails etc. No privacy, no secrets. Otherwise, kick him out. Do the 180, and protect yourself.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Aunt Ava mentioned his gas lighting and straight up lying about his relationship with her.

He is up to no good. Why would he have to lie? I'd be really skeptical about it being an EA.

You're in charge of your own actions, and at fault for your own actions, you are not responsible for his waywardness. You are in charge of your own emotions.

180, control your emotions, your demeanor, your temperance. Focus on what is necessary in your marriage and what is not. You need time to yourself to gather strength, focus and restrict dialogue with your husband unless it is important, about marriage and putting an end to his extra curricular activities not involving his family and/or children.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

As other have said, no, you are not blowing this out of proportion. Unfortunately, you've already confronted him, so there is no chance now to gather hard proof of what was going on between them. In most cases he advice is "use a voice activated recorder to get hard proof," ie phone calls between them while he is commuting. Since you know with 100% certainty that he is a liar, only his actions should mean anything to you at this point in time. His words are currently, and for the near future, worthless. You options are rather limited at the moment, but if you truly are interested in reconciliation and building a new marriage there are a few things that _*must*_ happen immidiatley.

Your Disloyal Spouse(DS) must commit in writing to No Contact(NC) with the Other Woman(OW). This must take the form of a no contact letter/agreement that he handwrites and gives to you for your review. Search the forum for No Contact Letter to get some examples of what it should look like. Once you are satisfied with the letter, you must personally mail it to the OW so you know that she will receive it.

As much strain as it might put on you guys, he has to quit his job immidiatley. Continued contact with the OW will guarantee that all of your efforts will be in vain. A marriage can survive financial strain, stress and many other unpleasant things, but it can not survive a third person (OW). If he can request and get a transfer to another location, he should do that and begin looking for another job.

You will need lots of support if you plan on making it through this, so you should consider exposing the affair to your immediate family as well as his. Also, consider filing a complaint with his HR department, employers, especially ones that operate in the alcoholic beverage industry, do not want that kind of bad noise going on at the workplace. This may help get him or her transfered out. Exposing the affair is important for many reasons, one of the majors ones is it gives you a chance to get the truth out there before he has time to manipulate our friends and relatives into thinking that you are a controlling, jealous, nut job that just wans to ruin his life.

Individual Counseling(IC) is an absolute must for both of you. He will need to figure out why he lacked the proper boundaries to prevent this from happening, and maybe identify other important issues. You will need it to have a place to bounce ideas around in, as well as to vent and get perspective. Once both of you have 5-6 IC sessions under your belts, you will need to start Couples Counseling(CC). Hopefully going to IC will help both of you with structured communication, and allow the CC to be fruitful.

He will also have to become 100% transparent with you. That means he gives you full and unrestricted access to all of hiss accounts (bank, email, social network, etc), phone, and location. No more deleting anything (texts, browsing history, call log) and he has to give you all of his passwords to anything relevant to your recovery.

If you can get him to do all of the above, and he is truly remorseful and committed to rebuilding a new marriage with you, you may have a chance at a happy life in a couple of years. In general, you will find estimates of 2-5 years for full recovery from infidelity floating around on this forum. I wish you all the best, and im very sorry that you found yourself here. Please keep us posted, this community is a very good support tool, utilize it as much as you can.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How you actually think about the affair may help you decide how you handle it. When I read your posts, my reaction is like Aunt Ava's - your H is dating another woman.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Oh Hurt, they CAN NOT work together. They cant pass in the hallway. They cant wave hello. THey cannot have ANY contact-even just visual contact. As long as there is ANY contact between them at ALL- You will not get your H back. His mind will stay with her. The only way for that to stop is by being completely 100% away from her forever. Everytime he sees her he gets "high". He cannot keep that job. If the "Job" was his perfect job. His "dream" job- looks like he should have considered that before taking on some 'extracurricular' activities where that job would be put at risk.

Please listen to me- I speak from experience unfortunately. 

sorry but I didnt read if she was married or not??? What do you know about her? You need to learn as much as possible.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

If they had easy access to one other, which it sounds like they did,
then I'm not buying this "just an EA" nonsense.

Please prepare yourself for that.


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