# She still works closely with him...should I leave?



## lef15 (Oct 5, 2010)

I have been married for 13 years. We have a 9 year old son. My wife recently told me that she had a 4 week affair (no sex- just kissing and touching) with a man at work. They are teachers and work very closely together on a daily basis. She claims the affair has ended and seems to be acting normal. But...she sees him every day, emails, texts and talks to him on the phone about school and lessons daily. She spends time alone with him at school. I have told her that I am uncomfortable with this. She says they have to work together and she still wants to be friends. She talks openly about their discussions (which revolve around him) and how much time she spends with him. This hurts me so much....I don't know what to do. No matter how many times I talk to her about my feelings- she does not pull away from him. It seems as if she can not leave him alone. Should I leave her? Which means I also leave my son. Please help!


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## i_feel_broken (Jul 5, 2010)

im afraid she needs to break off all contact with him before you two can get past this. You can't trust her. Believe me, take it from someone who has been in your position and worse.

I don't want to upset you but how can you be sure there was no sex? How can you be sure it only lasted 4 weeks. Because she told you? The same person who has been kissing/touching another man behind your back.

She is controlling your thoughts and emotions by continuing to see this guy. She needs to take responsibility for what she has done and stop seeing him, whatever that means. This is easier said than done as if you have explained how you feel and she continues to do it she has no respect for you or your feelings.

In this situation the hard things are often the best things. You need to set up your boundaries - what you will accept in your marriage what you won't. And if those boundaries are broken what the natural consequence of that is.

You need to be certain the affair is continuing and by the sounds of it - it probably is. Get proof - texts, emails, phone records. You may have to expose the affair to other staff/family/friends.

Read some of the bigger posts on the site, mine included. There is lots of good advise on how to flush out an affair and how to end it. It will be a rough ride.

Why did she tell you about the affair??

I wish you all the luck


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

:iagree:

It is going to be VERY HARD, especially since this is her work! But something has to change. You cannot continue in this relationship without knowing for sure. It will just eat you up inside. If she is serious, then she will work with you. If she just comes up with excuses and more excuses, then she either doesn't understand how serious you are or she still wants to see him.

Why would you be leaving your son? By law, unless there is court paperwork stating otherwise somewhere, one parent is entitled to the child just as much as the other. Why not take him with you?


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## lef15 (Oct 5, 2010)

she would never allow that. She would fight me tooth and nail and turn him against me.


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## lef15 (Oct 5, 2010)

We had been fighting alot and one night I asked her and she came clean about it. she said it had been killing her inside. That it was a mistake and wants to pretend it never happened.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

But, it's still happening, don't you think? Based on your original post, it sounds like the affair is still going on.

You need to find the truth, which may mean finding proof that the affair is still happening. Based on everything I have read about affairs on forums and in books, I cannot believe she has that much contact with him and the affair is over.


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## lef15 (Oct 5, 2010)

So I am just being stupid to believe her? I think I know that but I don't want it to be true


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I would talk to her again and show her this site and the principles on the No Contact with the OP in order to survive an infidelity.
Read and learn, I think the affair will still be alive if they still work together and are still on friendly terms......
This would be extremely hard on you, to sit back and imagine every day she goes to work.......
Can she transfer schools, apply for different jobs at different schools?
If she is serious she will understand your feelings and will want to make you feel comfortable with her work situation so you don't have to wonder the rest of your life......
She can't remain friends with him if she wants her marriage to really work, she knows this......affair fog, heard of it, they just don't think in a normal sense, seems like this is what might be happening to her.........


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No, you should not leave her. If she continues this "close" contact then she should suffer the consquences. Remember she is in the wrong and this affair can be exposed, so if her behavior persists then you may want to gather some evidence and explain to her, it is not excepteble in YOUR household.
My take is, once can get her to stop the focus on the OM, both of can focus on the marriage.
There is a reason this happened and with the OM out of the way you can get to the bottom of it and repair the marriage


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## lef15 (Oct 5, 2010)

What evidence do I need? She does let me read her emails and texts. She claims to tell me what they talk about at work. But how do I find out if they do something inappropriate at work? I am freinds with one of her co-workers but I do not know how I could ask him that? 

I am so confused....I don't know what to do. I just know that I need to find a way to stop hurting so much.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Pictures are great they can be a real slap in the face for both the wayward spouse and the faithful spouse. I had only two picture of my W and the OM naked. There was no denying the PA.

In my case, the only way to soften the hurt was when my W showed me a real commitment, and what I mean is the texting went from 1000+/- to zero and her time away from home decreased.
She was coming straight home from work and spending the time with me and helping me heal.
If your W can understand your hurt, can she see it in her self to help you heal? It sucks but the hurt never really goes a way, you just stop thinking about the cheating less and less with the support from your spouse and the good folks on this site.
Good luck.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Talk to the principal/superintendent-DISCREETLY-and get him on your side. If all goes well, he'll be teaching kids in Alaska before long. Then see how your W handles it. That will be the real test.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I can summarize this in about one sentence I think. Okay, maybe more like a paragraph (heehee). Being faithful means that she made a vow to you on her wedding day to voluntarily give you 100% of her affection and loyalty. By continuing to talk to the OM knowing it is doing the harm it's doing, she is giving both her affection and her loyalty to him. So here's the sentence (errr...paragraph): 

"(Wife) I know you had an affair with (Other Man's name) and I know you continue to work with him closely so that emotionally, if not physically, the affair continues. On our wedding day I vowed to forsake ALL OTHERS and be faithful only to you, and you made that promise to me as well. So right now, today, I need to ask you to honor that vow and quit your job, or I will ask you to move out as long as you continue this affair--and our son will not be coming with you. I am his parent just as much as you are, and his life is not going to be put into upheaval due to your choice to continue to be unfaithful. I am also not leaving our home, our bed, our neighborhood so that you can have less guilt continuing this affair. Will you end all contact right now for the good of our marriage, or shall I pack for you and call your mother to expect you?"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If she wont listen,should lef15 expose the relationship as interferring with the marraige 1st? Then move to kicking her out, if that 1st consquence doesnt work?
I just hate to see the wayward spouse have a better oppertunity to increase her affair by not being accountable at home.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well as you know, I suggest Seven Steps to Ending an Affair, and I *very strongly* suggest that they be followed in order. So here are the steps: 

*#1--Gather Evidence*. This is not so you can show the evidence to your spouse and "make" them confess. This evidence is for you--so you know that you can trust your gut instinct. Now lef15 already knows his wife is cheating, so he's already done this step and doesn't need more evidence.

*# 2 Confron*t. Go to the disloyal directly and tell them to their face that you know about the affair and have evidence in a safe place that proves it's real irrefutably. Don't tell them where it is or what it is necessarily, just make the statement that you know about it. Then state right out loud that in order for the marriage to work there can not be infidelity and ask them point blank to end the affair.

This is the step that I was suggesting to lef15--confront his spouse, not in the sense of being "confrontational" but rather in the sense of calling it what it is. This is not a "friendship" it is an emotional affair. So the plan is to arrange a time as soon as possible to talk to your wife directly, tell her that continuing contact is continuing the affair, and you will not be with a spouse who will not give you 100% of her affection and loyalty. Then ask her point blank if she is willing to end all contact right now and work with you to fix the marriage. 

*#3 Disclose*. If the disloyal either refuses to end the affair, the next step is to disclose the affair to ONE very respected authority whom the disloyal is likely to look up to and listen to...someone who is likely to be pro-marriage and tell the disloyal that having an affair is not acceptable.

*#4 Exposure*. If the disloyal hardens their heart and refuses to end it, the next step is to expose the affair to those who will likely be affected by a potential divorce. The idea behind exposure is not to drag your disloyal spouse's name and reputation through the mud (their ACTIONS are doing that!) but rather to refuse to keep the affair a "secret." The loyal spouse should contact their own family (parents and siblings), the disloyal's parents and siblings, their church or place of worship, some of the loyal spouse's co-workers, some of the disloyal spouse's co-workers, the loyal spouse's employer, the disloyal spouse's co-workers, and the other person's spouse and inform them that the disloyal spouse is having an affair, that it is serious, that the marriage is in trouble, and ask for help. 

*#5 Carrot & Stick*. In this phase you focus on two things: work on yourself to be the person you once were who attracted your spouse again AND allow your disloyal to experience the natural consequences of their choices.

*#6 Consequences/NO CONTACT*. In this step you write the disloyal a letter and explain that you love them, admit the things you did to contribute to the affair, indicate what you're doing to end those things, and then say that unless they end ALL contact with the OP and never, EVER contacts the OP again, you need to end all contact with the disloyal. The idea behind this step is to give them a more realistic taste of what divorce could be like--to not have you in their life to meet ANY needs! 

*#7 Legal Separation*. To be blunt, most affairs die a natural death within two years, so if a loyal spouse can stall for that amount of time, there is a good chance that the disloyal spouse would at least consider returning. Thus, as a tactic that will both stall the legal process of divorce and protect both the family assets and the loyal spouse and children, we would recommend a legal separation and suggest a minimum of one year legal separation.

******************
So left15 has the evidence he needs to be sure there was an affair, and since she is not hiding the "friendship" he knows for a fact the emotional affair is continuing. No need to keep on doing #1--move to step #2.

Step #2 is "I will not have a spouse and life partner who doesn't honor her vow to give me 100% of her affection and loyalty. I also will not uproot myself or our son because you won't end your affair. So I'm asking you to end all contact and work on our marriage, or shall I pack for you and let your mom know to expect you?"

The step after that would be Step #3--disclosing it to one person whom she respects who would be the best bet to convince her to end the affair. This is usually a parent, a pastor, or a boss. This keeps it fairly private to not utterly embarrass her, and yet enlists the help of someone who might influence her. 

So as soon as possible-Step 2!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank you 
Its been a while, I thought stp.2 was stp.3 and stp.3 was stp.2 
I've been screwing everyone up, Great there is going to be a hugh natinal out break of devorce today, thanks to me.

Lef15,
Stay strong man, take care of your health, and eitherway keep up the good fight. your boy is depending on you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Holy Scnikes, Batman! He mixed up steps 2 and 3! Will there be rioting in Gotham?

By the way, I'm not trying to make light of your situation, lef15, but rather to point out that even in really serious, painful situations sometimes a little humor can help.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lef15 said:


> She says they have to work together and she still wants to be friends.


Hi lef15. 

Your situation mirrors mine very closely and is what brought me to TAM originally, 3 years ago. My h was also working closely with her (OW not _your _wife!) on a project and I will be honest, I struggled with the financial destruction him leaving his job would have caused at an already difficult time or the alternative of him staying and continuing to see her daily.

Not needing another major problem in our life, I didn't ask him to leave, although I did let him know it would help in my healing and mental state of anxiety if he did. He also wanted to remain 'friends' and that is the part I could not agree to. In my opinion, I am not against work friends of the opposite sex, I have worked in a mainly male dominated profession for over 25 years so if I agreed to that, I really wouldn't have too many people to talk to, have lunch with, etc. but once that friendship crossed an inappropriate line as this one did, the consequence is that the friendship needs to end if the marriage is to recover.

She was not happy when he backed off (he ended it the day before I found out & said they could remain friends and then retracted the friend card after I found out)...I am sure to her it was no different than getting 'dumped' when he began dealing with her on a professional level only, and as luck would have it they re-organized the company and while they still work together (to this day) he no longer has day-to-day contact with her other than in passing. Just makes his office Christmas parties a bit awkward as I avoid her like the plague (we've never formally met)

I know this is not the ideal scenerio, but coupled with our own rebuilding and refocusing on us, our marriage, I was able to move forward. What I did not need in the mix of rebuilding was to worry if I was in a mood or having a bad day, that he might find comfort in her again. That feeling didn't go away entirely, but him being open about any work talk helped to ease my fears that existed early on.

I just wanted to share my experience, as I know it is desireable, but not always practical to ask her to quit her job, especially when your kids need a roof over their head, food on the table and the economy is in the crapper.


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## lef15 (Oct 5, 2010)

So I did step 2. She said she couldn't quit her job. I asked her to leave. After 1 day she came back. I called her dad and told him everything. She is back but still works with him. She tells me that she realizes what a huge mistake it was...that she didn't realize how much she had to lose until the night away. But the truth is- they work together daily....how will I ever really know if it is over.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

lef15 said:


> So I did step 2. She said she couldn't quit her job. I asked her to leave. After 1 day she came back. I called her dad and told him everything. She is back but still works with him. She tells me that she realizes what a huge mistake it was...that she didn't realize how much she had to lose until the night away. But the truth is- they work together daily....how will I ever really know if it is over.


What is more of a priority to her, her job or her marriage? That is a question she needs to answer.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lef15 said:


> She tells me that she realizes what a huge mistake it was...that she didn't realize how much she had to lose until the night away.


She is looking at things from her perspective, what she has to lose. Does she fully understand how she has impacted you and your trust in her? Does she agree that the friendship must end or does she still feel it's okay to be a sounding board for him and his problems? Does she now agree the friendship must end?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car and check it every night. See what happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lef15 said:


> So I did step 2. She said she couldn't quit her job. I asked her to leave. After 1 day she came back. I called her dad and told him everything. She is back but still works with him. She tells me that she realizes what a huge mistake it was...that she didn't realize how much she had to lose until the night away. But the truth is- they work together daily....how will I ever really know if it is over.


 You asked her to stop spending time with him? Speaking to him? Did she agree to that? 

Do you have her passwords to her phone and computer?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Now I have one exception to my total agreement with AC. I have great faith in her approach to reconciliation. However, if you split up I see this as a "trial divorce". You shold stay in the home and work on killing those love busters and a Plan A mindset. Your confidence has probably taken a big hit. There is anger stirring under the surface. She isn't going to jump back into the relationship 100% if you are the ame guy she has been arguing with for months. That has to change. You can't go back to the way things were because she doesn't want that. She will just find another distraction. 
As suggested in an earlier post bu IFB, start reading. This is a long process to recover. You can't change her (directly). You can change you and she might follow. 
Read His Needs, Her Needs for a start.
Don't leave and don't make her leave. No threats. No begging, pleading or convincing. You need to stand strong and be positive. There is great pain in all of this. To maintain your sanity you will need to vent. Do you have a close friend that will give you their ear for as long as you need to talk? Don't hesitate to come here and spill it all. It will help.


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## bangun (Oct 20, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> "(Wife) I know you had an affair with (Other Man's name) and I know you continue to work with him closely so that emotionally, if not physically, the affair continues. On our wedding day I vowed to forsake ALL OTHERS and be faithful only to you, and you made that promise to me as well. So right now, today, I need to ask you to honor that vow and quit your job, or I will ask you to move out as long as you continue this affair--and our son will not be coming with you. I am his parent just as much as you are, and his life is not going to be put into upheaval due to your choice to continue to be unfaithful. I am also not leaving our home, our bed, our neighborhood so that you can have less guilt continuing this affair. Will you end all contact right now for the good of our marriage, or shall I pack for you and call your mother to expect you?"


I Like This :smthumbup:


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