# The more you look at TAM posts, do you get more



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

paranoid and insecure about stuff?


I know I have issues to work on (insecurity, jealousy, trust, abandonment...it goes on  )


I am just starting to get help, I really should have YEARS ago, but better late than never right?


Sometimes I think when I come back and read stuff here, it keeps triggering me, making me more paranoid and unnecessarily focused/obsessed over stuff that is NOT helping me move on.

What say you?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yep. This is exactly what I was trying to get Calvin to understand. He and CSS have been trying to reconcile for over a year due to her EA. He sometimes just can't get through things. I 100% feel that it's due to TAM. Their thread in the Private Section has over 10,000 posts!!!! That's waaaay to f'ng much talking over what amounted to texting and a kiss in a car, IMO. Oh, I know...EA's are horrible things, but - well...TAM ain't f'ng helping him and it triggers him constantly. I advised them to take a few months away. They agreed. They couldn't do it and were back posting less than 2 days later. I'm scared for them, honestly.

I took a little over 2 months off of TAM. It did wonders for my emotions and healing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh it can be very depressing.

For me, it kinda reinforces the fact that I probably don't want to get married again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Not really, though some threads are depressing, others are educational, then some others just make me wanna respond, and of course there are threads that are hilarious and lighten up my day. 

The CWI section however, I try to stay out of it most of the time... that section will make me nuts if I linger too long.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> paranoid and insecure about stuff?
> 
> 
> I know I have issues to work on (insecurity, jealousy, trust, abandonment...it goes on  )
> ...


At first,yes.But now I try to view it as a tool.Sort of a "Don't do this" guide.
It also serves as a tool for making my appreciation of my life,my partner,and our relationship grow.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The sad part is when you emerge from your own personal he!! and you see a few people just starting the roller coaster and virtually in the same boat you were in. Of course, you wish to offer help but that sends yourself re-living everything all over again. But as I said when I first came on TAM, my situation 'was' unique. LOL that was blown out of the water after reading posts for about.......45 minutes.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes. I am a blessed man, I have an extraordinary marriage to the best woman in the world. 

And yet when I first got here reading about all the trainwreck marriage stories, or the plentiful advice about what a marriage "should" look like, did leave me a little paranoid. I started to wonder if my marriage indeed was too good to be true. Started asking my wife questions, or bringing up topics from here and trying to apply it to our marriage. My wife eventually said half-jokingly "Don't let that board destroy our marriage!". 

TAM advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt. You have to be discerning. There is some wonderful advice to be found here, but there is a lot of crap. There is way too much blanket advice given here that can be hurtful to a lot of marriages. Way too many people with horrid marriages here who do a lot of projecting. 

I've said it before, if I took even a quarter of the typical TAM advice on how to have a good marriage I'd be divorced in six months or less!


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yes. I am a blessed man, I have an extraordinary marriage to the best woman in the world.
> 
> And yet when I first got here reading about all the trainwreck marriage stories, or the plentiful advice about what a marriage "should" look like, did leave me a little paranoid. I started to wonder if my marriage indeed was too good to be true. Started asking my wife questions, or bringing up topics from here and trying to apply it to our marriage. My wife eventually said half-jokingly "Don't let that board destroy our marriage!".
> 
> ...


Yeah this is kind of how I feel. No marriage is perfect but I think we have a good marriage. I have issues to work on, so does he but who doesn't really? (especially with our backgrounds/families). I am trying to work through stuff but sometimes I read stuff on here and I think I put my husband through the ringer for no reason. Even the NMMNG stuff, yes to some degree if he is more alpha it will help but I don't want a misogynistic/opposite extreme guy either. And maybe I read stuff on here and project onto my husband. I think after this baby is born in a couple of months I take a break from TAM for a bit because I will be emotional and don't need more thoughts to poison my head...sometimes I give things I read on here TOO much weight (if that makes sense).


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Yes, I love this forum, but it makes me depressed sometimes. Reading the CWI sub-forum makes me think that everyone eventually cheats and that marriages don't stand a chance against hot, illicit affair sex.  Sad! I have to remind myself to take breaks and that there are people out there who do not cheat on their spouses.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I don't know what to interpret about whether I get "more". What I do get is a sense of not belonging. This not to say I have not forged some great friendship here, I have. In fact I met three regulars IRL and made what I would hope to be long-lasting friendships. 

However, without meaning to sound too cynical, TAM best fits the person(s) on the verge of divorce, with the hope of reconciling (that is not me). Or the person(s) going through divorce (that is not me). Or, the divorcees (that is not me) that find needed support. Or the person(s) who has been cheated on and in some rare cases the cheater (who are either trying to figure out the next move or possible trying to reconcile). In all these cases, I don't fit into the TAM mold. 

I think AffairCare best described TAM as Marriage ER. And, I agree, she is a wise sage who has helped many struggling people. I think from this point of view, TAM is a great place on the web and certainly does not waste byte space. But, I am not really in need of ER care for my marriage (hopefully I will not ever be). And, I am not good at being an ER marriage doctor and the routine maintenance care facility provides little use to the new visitors, long-time poster or anyone lurking to gain any real insight. 

Thus, I look less at TAM nowadays than more.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I came to this place primarily as a means to make my marriage stronger. I never had infidelity wreak havoc on my marriage, and I thought it was already a good one. I learned a number of things and I have seen a number of perspectives that I have taken to heart and reflected on. Even for those views that I don't agree with, seeing them has still helped me as I continue to work to make my marriage stronger.

To me, some of the horror stories I've read here have made me appreciate my wife all the more. I don't project the issues some people have in their marriages onto my own. I am grateful that my wife loves me enough that she doesn't treat me the same way as others who are posting their stories asking for help. It makes me appreciate what I have all the more.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

No, I don't get more insecure and worried. The the more I look at TAM posts, the more grateful I am for my marriage and my husband. I feel blessed, lucky, like I won the marriage lottery for some reason. I'm also far more aware of the problems that can plague a marriage. 

TAM doesn't have enough posters who are in happy stable marriages. If you look at the most popular sections of the board, aside from the Social Spot, you can see a lot of traffic in Coping With Infidelity or Going Through Divorce. There are certain problems I can't advise on because I have no clue what it's like to go through those issues and hope never to. But if someone can benefit from hearing about my marriage, I'm willing to share our story. So I stay...and I've made several great friends here so I come for the chit chat too. I look at TAM like a buffet. Take what you want and ignore the parts that don't interest you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes it made me feel worse so I took 6 months off to regroup.

Been back over a year now (new user name) and tam hasn't bothered me enough to leave again for long periods of time. I do take a few days off from time to time when I start feeling depressed or down.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> No, I don't get more insecure and worried. The the more I look at TAM posts, the more grateful I am for my marriage and my husband. I feel blessed, lucky, like I won the marriage lottery for some reason. I'm also far more aware of the problems that can plague a marriage.
> 
> TAM doesn't have enough posters who are in happy stable marriages. If you look at the most popular sections of the board, aside from the Social Spot, you can see a lot of traffic in Coping With Infidelity or Going Through Divorce. There are certain problems I can't advise on because I have no clue what it's like to go through those issues and hope never to. But if someone can benefit from hearing about my marriage, I'm willing to share our story. So I stay...and I've made several great friends here so I come for the chit chat too. I look at TAM like a buffet. Take what you want and ignore the parts that don't interest you.


DITTO :iagree:

I see TAM the same way. I've been through infidelity and divorce (among other things), so if I can offer advice I will. 

There certainly aren't enough happy marriages here, and that's really sad.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

drerio said:


> I don't know what to interpret about whether I get "more". *What I do get is a sense of not belonging. *This not to say I have not forged some great friendship here, I have. In fact I met three regulars IRL and made what I would hope to be long-lasting friendships.
> 
> However, without meaning to sound too cynical, TAM best fits the person(s) on the verge of divorce, with the hope of reconciling (that is not me). Or the person(s) going through divorce (that is not me). Or, the divorcees (that is not me) that find needed support. Or the person(s) who has been cheated on and in some rare cases the cheater (who are either trying to figure out the next move or possible trying to reconcile). *In all these cases, I don't fit into the TAM mold. *
> 
> ...


By your definition, there are a number of us who don't belong to TAM any more than you do. You've been here longer than I have, so I'm even MORE of an outsider than you are. But the thing you are missing is that a number of people on here are happily married and are not in any major crisis either. The story you are writing on the Long Term Success forum is really good and is a positive to other posters who are struggling.

I'll tell you what. I'm more than happy to start posting more in the Success forum if it would help. If we can get more of us who are not on the brink of divorce or who are not recovering from recent marital trauma to post more about our own marriages, I think it would be a net positive for all of us. I'd love to read more positive stories on TAM.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Yes, some people are paranoid and reading TAM will just feed their paranoia more, but I believe it is a small percentage. We humans are very good at picking up subtle and non-verbal communication in our partners and can tell when something's off.

We see the signs but either we are inexperienced and cannot interpret them correctly, or we choose to ignore them.

This was the case with my R. I saw some troubling signs very early on, from the very first dates. I wasn't sure what they meant and how to deal with them.

If I knew back then what I know now, I would have pulled the plug in the first 2-3 months and wouldn't let this drag for 3 years.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> DITTO :iagree:
> 
> I see TAM the same way. I've been through infidelity and divorce (among other things), so if I can offer advice I will.
> 
> *There certainly aren't enough happy marriages here*, and that's really sad.


True, however when people with happy marriages do post about our their experiences, they are often told indirectly or sometimes outright that we are lying about it. Still other times we are accused of bragging and need to to just stop. I know this may sound a bit hyperbolic, but I have been directly on the receiving end of these response as well as just stumbled upon the ramblings of those who have just said as much. 

I think CA, and others like her may just have thicker skin than me. As well they are better at articulating their positive posts than some of us. Thus some of us just don't make a good fit. I am better at RL communication.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

drerio said:


> True, however when people with happy marriages do post about our their experiences,* they are often told indirectly or sometimes outright that we are lying about it. Still other times we are accused of bragging and need to to just stop*. I know this may sound a bit hyperbolic, but I have been directly on the receiving end of these response as well as just stumbled upon the ramblings of those who have just said as much.
> 
> I think CA, and others like her may just have thicker skin than me. As well they are better at articulating their positive posts than some of us. Thus some of us just don't make a good fit. I am better at RL communication.


I haven't been on the receiving end of any of that, but I can understand how something like that could be discouraging.

I'm in a happy marriage, and if people don't believe it then that's their bag. I'm okay with that.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> There certainly aren't enough happy marriages here, and that's really sad.


Part of the problem is that happily married people aren't welcome here by quite a few posters. Very happily married people on this board often run up against the following:

- You're lying. There is no way your marriage can be that good.

- If you're actually happy then why are you even here?

- Ugh, stop rubbing your life in my face.

I've seen all of these responses. There IS a section here for successful marriages and it's bone dry.

I came to this board because I took the title literally, talk about marriage. It wasn't until I actually started posting did I realize that this board only excels at talking about _troubled_ marriage. There are happily married people who would LOVE to talk about the brighter side of marriage but the attitude here isn't really conducive for them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Reading here actually make me appreciate my husband and my marriage even more.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Part of the problem is that happily married people aren't welcome here by quite a few posters. Very happily married people on this board often run up against the following:
> 
> - You're lying. There is no way your marriage can be that good.
> 
> ...


Exactly... how do I like this post 1,000X? This has been my experience.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Part of the problem is that happily married people aren't welcome here by quite a few posters. Very happily married people on this board often run up against the following:
> 
> - You're lying. There is no way your marriage can be that good.
> 
> ...


Such a shame. 

How could a person who hasn't been successful going down one path offer good advice to someone else walking in those shoes? I guess that's relative too. What one person sees as successful can be seen as a train wreck to someone else.

If I want to know how to navigate something, I ask people who have done it or who are doing it and it's working for them. That just makes sense to me.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Part of the problem is that happily married people aren't welcome here by quite a few posters. Very happily married people on this board often run up against the following:
> 
> - You're lying. There is no way your marriage can be that good.
> 
> ...


I've experienced those things too. But if you guys are wanting to post more in the success forum - I'm game.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Maybe we need to move over there Plan 9. Get that forum jumping with positive stuff.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I've experienced those things too. But if you guys are wanting to post more in the success forum - I'm game.


Please do. It is lonely there and we could all stand to hear more. I think it is important to let others know that marriage does not just happen, we work at it. Also that successful marriages are rarely perfect, but they are nevertheless successful. 

Yes, please put up your story.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I've experienced those things too. But if you guys are wanting to post more in the success forum - I'm game.


That would be nice. I tried utilizing that section back in my early TAM days. I quickly grew tired of waiting weeks to read responses, if you were lucky to see responses at all. 

I get that the negative is more sensational but I was floored that more people with troubles marriages weren't even VIEWING the success in marriage section to learn the "secrets" from other couples who were making it.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

jaquen said:


> That would be nice. I tried utilizing that section back in my early TAM days. I quickly grew tired of waiting weeks to read responses, if you were lucky to see responses at all.
> 
> I get that the negative is more sensational but I was floored that more people with troubles marriages weren't even VIEWING the success in marriage section to learn the "secrets" from other couples who were making it.


I believe, Sir, the solution here is to "lead by example." Perhaps everyone in this vein should make more of an effort to post in the long-term success area (this poster included). 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

There was a time when I first came here that I began to imagine some of the nightmare scenarios in my marriage when the smallest of red flags appeared. It worried me but fortunately transparency helped alleviate those worries. Whenever I checked something out, all I would find would be squeaky clean. After checking several times my trust went up and I let go of my worries so they would not eat me up from inside and trusted to how I would deal with anything if anything arose in the future. So no I no longer become anymore insecure or paranoid.

But what does bother me about TAM is the latent anger that is often displaced towards posters because of someone’s bitter nightmare experience. I think that is part of the reason for people attacking posters like drerio by doubting their veracity etc. I was pleased to see that so many posters listed the canonical myths in that recent thread and that they see them as myths as well. It’s really sad when someone wants help and is trying to think through a problem to see that they are barraged by certain pundits in the most disrespectful manner instantly classifying the problem based on just a few paragraphs while verbally abusing anyone trying to add an elucidating detail or experience. This is why I will disappear for days at a time. The anger here is often misplaced and that causes me to not post in a lot of threads.

But for all of that, I have helped about a half dozen people here and that makes up for all of that anger by a few posters. I hope I have repaid for the help I received. I would post in the success section but somehow I think that might jinx my marriage. I have this feeling that the day I post in success will also end up being a D-day of some sort so I don’t want to risk it as irrational as that seems. I am a reader of the success section though I don’t post there or in TAM very much compared to many.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

meson said:


> There was a time when I first came here that I began to imagine some of the nightmare scenarios in my marriage when the smallest of red flags appeared. It worried me but fortunately transparency helped alleviate those worries. Whenever I checked something out, all I would find would be squeaky clean. After checking several times my trust went up and I let go of my worries so they would not eat me up from inside and trusted to how I would deal with anything if anything arose in the future. So no I no longer become anymore insecure or paranoid.
> 
> But what does bother me about TAM is the latent anger that is often displaced towards posters because of someone’s bitter nightmare experience. I think that is part of the reason for people attacking posters like drerio by doubting their veracity etc. I was pleased to see that so many posters listed the canonical myths in that recent thread and that they see them as myths as well. It’s really sad when someone wants help and is trying to think through a problem to see that they are barraged by certain pundits in the most disrespectful manner instantly classifying the problem based on just a few paragraphs while verbally abusing anyone trying to add an elucidating detail or experience. This is why I will disappear for days at a time. The anger here is often misplaced and that causes me to not post in a lot of threads.
> 
> But for all of that, I have helped about a half dozen people here and that makes up for all of that anger by a few posters. I hope I have repaid for the help I received. I would post in the success section but somehow I think that might jinx my marriage. I have this feeling that the day I post in success will also end up being a D-day of some sort so I don’t want to risk it as irrational as that seems. I am a reader of the success section though I don’t post there or in TAM very much compared to many.


You're pretty quirky...:rofl:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't get paranoid because my husband has never given me a reason to doubt his loyalty. I do not see any parallels between the infidelity posts here and my marriage.

I enjoy TAM because you get to interact with interesting people from all over the world, and get a peek into their lives. The anonymity permits a level of honesty that is not usually possible IRL. Sometimes the level of pain gets depressing, but that's what the Log Out button is for.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> You're pretty quirky...:rofl:


:rofl: Quirky perhaps but Quarky for certain


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I came here to learn about a certain topic. I came here to ask anonymous people, without an agenda, for input on my personal life and my wife's life. I came here to look at other peoples' issues and the common advice they received. 

It was good for me. It reinforced a lot of things I had been thinking but hadn't verbalized/put in a solid "thought framework." I was provided some solid ground when the world seemed made of jell-o.

It can be bad at times because you don't get "vetted" opinions. However, you don't truly get that from a counselor, either. You have to be smart enough to figure out if the advice fits your situation. Nobody knows as much about your sh!t as you do, so you have to process things that people, with good intentions, are telling you. 

Overall I think it's been healthy for my learning process. I hope I have been able to give a glimmer of hope or validation to someone here, based on my experiences, that helps them. That way I am paying it forward for the folks who've helped me. For me, that's the best part of TAM nowadays.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

meson said:


> :rofl: Quirky perhaps but Quarky for certain


Ha! I boned my own joke! Sometimes spelling the word correctly doesn't work... I feel like such a boson!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Ha! I boned my own joke! Sometimes spelling the word correctly doesn't work... I feel like such a boson!


You're in good company because mesons are bosons also!


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Too much CWI is definitely depressing, I balance it out with the positive posts in the sex forum


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Chuck71 said:


> The sad part is when you emerge from your own personal he!! and you see a few people just starting the roller coaster and virtually in the same boat you were in. Of course, you wish to offer help but that sends yourself re-living everything all over again. But as I said when I first came on TAM, my situation 'was' unique. LOL that was blown out of the water after reading posts for about.......45 minutes.


Aye, but it's also why this forum is a wealth of understanding marital dynamics, issues, and solutions.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Gotta say, that thought had crossed my mind. I joined here, then posted the issues I'm having dealing with my wife's possible sexual past. But, I've wondered over the past few months if I just keep pulling off the scab every time I log on here; not allowing it to heal naturally.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My reasons for coming here wasn't that I was having problems with my wonderful husband...with him, I really couldn't ask for more. 

Though *I* was going through some hormonal changes ....jumping out of my pants wanting to Spice our sex life up hoping to get even more ACTION out of him...He was a real Gem...all the other sex forums I found were far too immoral for me hang around.... 

I LOVED the articulate posters, the variety of views from all walks of life, the deep discussions I found here at TAM... this stimulated my mind..and I felt, after all the books I was reading ...I may have some things to offer in helping others myself... 

This forum has helped me realize just how much women seem to despise Beta males... My husband is a natural born NICE Guy ...definitely tipped BETA (it's not all bad but one would get that impression).... The sheer threads/posts slaughtering this behavior on TAM... claiming a sure fire relationship train wreck ... every women under the sun will get bored with him...hog tie him... boss him around....wipe her feet on him like a door mat go cheat on him... 

Not the case here....Some of these women could he helping their husbands TOO! I guess I'm a little strange...the way he IS works for me...works for US. 

We've missed it a little in the past...reading/ learning here has helped me see how this all came about... the common mistakes so many women make not understanding the male sex drive & getting caught up in our children ....while the Good guy takes a back seat & doesn't rock the boat...That was MY husband...

Nothing I have ever read here has made me Question Him or US.... though I sure feel I have gained some insight to the pitfalls that come after marriage ...if one does not choose very very wisely - to marry one who is "self aware", giving, mature & knows what they want in life ... to warn each of our children what to look out for in the opposite sex. 

I have found I worry *more *about the futures of our sons over anything else, making sure they don't miss the signs of a Low Driving woman....which I feel could save them much heartache after the vows.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SA...When I read about women who have NG or "beta" husbands and they are complaining about them, their complaints don't sound like your husband to me.

Have you read NMMNG?

A lot of those bona-fide NG's do really sneaky and underhanded things.

That doesn't sound like your H, to me. I don't think he is one of "those" NG's. Rather, he is simply a Good Man.

I've never read a wife complaining about how kind or devoted her husband is...and that's how your hubby sounds to me.

Instead, they complain about men who pretend to be kind and devoted but actually are neither.

That does NOT sound like your H.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

What you have to realize about TAM is that it members are free to be resentful bitter and disappointed in a way they/we cannot not be away from our keyboards. its a freedom to feel it all. which can help a member new to TAM and new to a breakdown in a relationship.

on the flipside we have many camps on is true R obtainable, my sexless marriage is a punishment, cheaters always cheat...on and on. 
so it is up to the member to use their own jugdement in their own marriage and lives. its always going to be up to you what choices you make. and trust yourself


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> SA...When I read about women who have NG or "beta" husbands and they are complaining about them, their complaints don't sound like your husband to me.
> 
> *Have you read NMMNG?
> 
> ...


Yes I bought this book out of sheer curiosity (also bought "Hold on to your Nuts")... and we went through it analyzing together (the 1st so many pages anyway , then I got bored)......and No, he was never underhanded or sneaky...and he IS a GOOD MAN.... BUT *PASSIVE*... YES [email protected]#$% ... *doing for me when he should have cared more about himself *--- YES [email protected]#$% 

But he was ALWAYS like this... from when I met him TO NOW..he never really changed, so this is not a case of ALPHA male excitement boy getting Beta after marriage & kids.. 

With these 2 lists below, we evaluated he fit 4 of those plus a few we considered half's - in his case. He's since taken the NICE GUY TEST on the website and found himself to be NORMAL... not anything to be concerned with...so there was some progress. :smthumbup:



> Taken from Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy!
> 
> Here is a list of NICE GUY Characteristics - Most guys have a few of these, but the headed for doormat status "NICE guys"- posses these in abundance .....
> 
> ...


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I came here for help on a childless marriage; could not get any help on that in the parenting forum, started reading other threads to see if they would apply, and got hooked like one' can't look away from a horrible accident. I soon discover other boards and I started learning so much about marriage, men, etc that it was intriguing to me. TAM input has really helped me in some areas too.

I don't get the backlash that others do about having a good marriage. I think most people think my H is controlling; plus I haven't hid the fact of his past that doesn't help the picture portrayed. 

But when it comes to CWI: my H and I have open access to each other phones, passwords, etc. But I have to admit I did a thorough search and everything came up squeaky clean. He knew I searched, but his attitude was feel free to check if it helps you. 

As for posting on the Success Thread; I've never been there because it says "long Term Success." And we've only been married for 8 years which is just approaching the rough years of 8-12 from what I've read. So I just don't even feel qualified to look over there yet. 

When we celebrated our 8th anniversary a couple weeks ago my H asked me what I wanted for a gift -- at least to tell him the category. 

I told him I wanted something from his heart. So it was kind of corny, but I LOVED what he did. He wrote to me a "State of Our Union" Address, like the President's speech. (Seems like I've written this somewhere on TAM so forgive if I have). So anyway, he model it after the President's speech and talked about the state of every aspect of our marriage then he ended it with,

toward the end he related how he once complained to a business owner who's slogan had excellence in it. the business owner told him that excellence did not mean perfect, but a certain mindset to have excellence as your goal and to always be moving toward it. Then he ended with

c4e, because of your love, your dedication, your passion, your hard work, your commitment, your respect, the state of Our Union is Excellent. 

(I think that was all the attributes, I'm too tired to go look at it).


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

btw c4e, the successful long-term marriage forum is not just for old couples like us. Feel free to contribute to any of the threads there. My thread is actually intended to be read by anyone newly married to 30+ years of marriage. 

I seek advice, comments and related stories to our journey. It is a true journey showing how two flawed and self-centered people can manage to stay married and do so successfully in our own way. I dearly love my wife as I do my two sons. Feel free to subscribe. It may not be as charged as some other forum threads but as I have been gently chided by some of my TAM friends (and my wife) I have tried to bring some level of "popcorn" eating drama to it.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

jaquen said:


> There is some wonderful advice to be found here, but there is a lot of crap. There is way too much blanket advice given here that can be hurtful to a lot of marriages. Way too many people with horrid marriages here who do a lot of projecting.
> 
> I've said it before, if I took even a quarter of the typical TAM advice on how to have a good marriage I'd be divorced in six months or less!


Yes. Yes. Yes. My crap filter was broken for a while. I was a TAM bacteria sponge. Not happy to admit but when I didn't get any for 12 days twice in a row I was obviously sexless, and it must end in divorce (yes, the topic cam up). That didn't help. I wound up staying in Social 100% and got good support there publicly or via PM (thank you) and then actually talked about marriage, get this, with her. Now we are on the same page and that's helps immensely. Will try to stay positive IRL and on TAM.

That being said, tonight we had a heated work related "discussion", TAM taught me to detach and keep a level head (apparently that is normal). Small win.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I've found things here on TAM that have helped my marriage a lot. Not that we had major problems when I first came, but there were some lingering resentments, I guess. The main thing I've learnt is to love and accept my husband exactly as he is, not wish he was different, not feed dissatisfaction by dwelling. Mavash was the main person who showed me that.

As for why are the negative parts so busy, well, I guess it's more immediate. ER, like Affaircare says. But just because an area isn't the most popular or busy doesn't mean it's worthless. I don't understand that view, to be honest. There is room for everything, and even if what you write is only read by a couple of hundred people, or even a couple of dozen, that doesn't make it any less meaningful. You may have reached many of those people even if they don't respond. I know I read lots of things I don't have time to comment on. Many of them very thought-provoking.

And I like discussing stuff and being funny in social. It's been really good for me.


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## MyrnaLoy (Apr 23, 2013)

No, though I haven't gone to the infidelity threads. I tend to see other relationships as perfect and think only we have problems, so it's nice to come here and see that other couples face the same issues that we do. I never thought I'd get married, so I kind of just come here to see what other marriages are honestly like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Lyris said:


> I've found things here on TAM that have helped my marriage a lot. Not that we had major problems when I first came, but there were some lingering resentments, I guess. The main thing I've learnt is to love and accept my husband exactly as he is, not wish he was different, not feed dissatisfaction by dwelling. Mavash was the main person who showed me that.
> 
> As for why are the negative parts so busy, well, I guess it's more immediate. ER, like Affaircare says. But just because an area isn't the most popular or busy doesn't mean it's worthless. I don't understand that view, to be honest. There is room for everything, and even if what you write is only read by a couple of hundred people, or even a couple of dozen, that doesn't make it any less meaningful. You may have reached many of those people even if they don't respond. I know I read lots of things I don't have time to comment on. Many of them very thought-provoking.
> 
> And I like discussing stuff and being funny in social. It's been really good for me.


Even if some threads are not as popular, it is nice to know that someone is reading it. A short comment can be helpful and encouraging. 

Thank you Lyris.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You can feel especially thankful now you know I only respond to about 10% of the threads I read! A response from Lyris is like quality control.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Well ... no, not paranoid and insecure about stuff.

I have frequently thought I need to take a break ... but you know, I came here for additional insight into my marriage and every time I think I've thought through everything, TAM surprises me with a takeaway ... a little gem or moment of clarity. I may not agree with everything everybody says ... but I learn.

I also enjoy sharing what I've learned and my experiences as it relates to other people's situations. I enjoy helping people and I always have. I often wonder if I'm the right guy to do that ... after all, I came here because my marriage is in trouble and I feel like I'm scouring the ends of the earth to find answers. Truth is that it probably helps me to post more than it helps somebody else ... it clarifies my thought process and I actually learn something from it. If it helps somebody else then fantastic.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TAM is good in finite quantities. 

There are many people here with great insight into what it takes to turn around a marriage... however there is a lot of BAD advice also that some take as legit.

I think sometimes you just have to leave TAM and work on things. 

I am only here to now help... TAM is no longer a need. I stopped asking for help years ago. Once I found my way.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

No I get more resigned in the way that I will deal with the obstacles in marriage.


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## JustPuzzled (Dec 12, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yes. I am a blessed man, I have an extraordinary marriage to the best woman in the world.
> 
> And yet when I first got here reading about all the trainwreck marriage stories, or the plentiful advice about what a marriage "should" look like, did leave me a little paranoid. I started to wonder if my marriage indeed was too good to be true. Started asking my wife questions, or bringing up topics from here and trying to apply it to our marriage. My wife eventually said half-jokingly "Don't let that board destroy our marriage!".
> 
> ...


I feel the same way. Am I deluded when I think that I am in a really, really happy marriage?

Being married to my W feels like being in a hot tub.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No it doesn't make me insecure or paranoid. Cheating etc have never been an issue in my life thankfully and I am confident in my radar on this issue.

I came here after ending a sexless marriage and got some wonderful advice and support for which I am very greatful. Now when I come here I want to offer some support to others suffering the same issues.
In the end it makes me so very thankful that I am where I am in my life.

I have also learnt a lot from the men of TAM about men which is all very positive.
Having a thick skin with forums, this place does not get me down or paranoid, people have their own bias on things which is normal. But for anyone dealing with infidelity issues this place could be a scary place to be.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Holland said:


> No it doesn't make me insecure or paranoid. Cheating etc have never been an issue in my life thankfully and I am confident in my radar on this issue.
> 
> I came here after ending a sexless marriage and got some wonderful advice and support for which I am very greatful. Now when I come here I want to offer some support to others suffering the same issues.
> In the end it makes me so very thankful that I am where I am in my life.
> ...


So, the question then Holland ... and I know about your story ... is was your marriage sexless because he wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I find TAM validating. Lots of weird things have been visited upon me and because I'm such a nice person, I have tried to make light of everything.

Now I know that I had a right to be concerned. And that a lot of things to ask for in a relationship like transparency and to ask your SO to get rid of toxic relationships are very normal and reasonable requests.

I find it interesting some of the more unusual situations discussed. I would never have thought the relative of an organ donor could abuse her position and start an inappropriate relationship with the married recipient. But now I know that that is possible........

And maybe also, I like the idea that there are some people who are more stringent than I am. (ie, see I'm not sooooo radical) For example, I am cautious of OSFs, but I don't completely rule them out for myself or for my fiance.

But this message board in no way makes me paranoid. It makes comfortable maintaining a healthy sense of caution and skepticism.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

For me, someone who has insecurity and other fears and am just starting to work on them, it made me (and sometimes still makes me) kind of paranoid and TOO focused on our problems at times. 

But I am learning, like someone mentioned before, to see it more as a buffet, take some and leave others. I also have to remind myself that I know my situation best and when others are VERY quickly to 'classify' my situation as something, I need to take that with a grain of salt. I was not doing that (which is easy to do when you feel VERY fragile sometimes) and it was sending me into a tailspin. Now that I feel a bit stronger, a little bit more clear headed, I can see that.

I also want to encourage those of you who said you would post in the success with marriage area to please do so! I'm not perfect but I'm also (I think) in a pretty good marriage and am definitely looking to improve it! Good advice in this area is always appreciated, so thank you in advance!


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## Jule99 (Jun 7, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Yep. This is exactly what I was trying to get Calvin to understand. He and CSS have been trying to reconcile for over a year due to her EA. He sometimes just can't get through things. I 100% feel that it's due to TAM. Their thread in the Private Section has over 10,000 posts!!!! * That's waaaay to f'ng much talking over what amounted to texting and a kiss in a car, IMO*. Oh, I know...EA's are horrible things, but - well...TAM ain't f'ng helping him and it triggers him constantly. I advised them to take a few months away. They agreed. They couldn't do it and were back posting less than 2 days later. I'm scared for them, honestly.
> 
> I took a little over 2 months off of TAM. It did wonders for my emotions and healing.


Read my thread "friend texted me inappropriate stuff, husband found out etc..." (I may have got that slightly wrong, can't be bothered to go back a page to look, before I get picked up on that!). It's in the GRD section. I'd love to know what you think about some of the responses.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> So, the question then Holland ... and I know about your story ... is was your marriage sexless because he wasn't fulfilling your emotional needs?


Don't want to derail so very briefly: my view of what actually happened has changed somewhat after being on TAM. He is clinically LD for a few reasons. I didn't know enough to spot what was happening as is gradually built up.
Neither of us had the skills to work it out. Both os us agreed in the end that although we truly care for each other we simply were not compatible.

I have to say that being on TAM has helped me find great peace after the process of divorce. (all the help was amazing except for one twit that tried to analyse something he knew nothing about).


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Jule99 said:


> Read my thread "friend texted me inappropriate stuff, husband found out etc..." (I may have got that slightly wrong, can't be bothered to go back a page to look, before I get picked up on that!). It's in the GRD section. I'd love to know what you think about some of the responses.


I don't want to derail the thread, as it's intent is about getting more paranoid from reading TAM posts.

I have 2 responses in your thread. What I think of the responses is that people are speaking to someone who has what we refer to as "foggy" thinking. When a new poster comes on, one of the first things is that people who have seen hundreds of the same stories before do is call out the poster.

Some people post out of their own pain, however I would say that most long time posters are truly trying to help someone see what's going on. You know, the typical issues we each have of not being able to recognize our situation cuz we're smack in the middle of it!

Yes. Some are "harsh" sounding. However, for the most part - you are getting sound advice and calls to snap you out of any "fog" you might be in.

That's why in my last post I said don't ever lie to yourself.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I read the infidelity threads a lot. I am in a new marriage. I have been burned by infidelity in my past relationships. one of the important things i've learned here is to be VIGILANT. not necessarily paranoid but vigilant. it can happen to anyone in the right/wrong situations.

what i'm taking from the infidelity stories is this; all the pain, suffering, destruction. if ever, ever i come close to a situation that threatens my fidelity to my wife, remember the suffering, grief and broken hearts! it's not worth it. not ever, ever!!!

that and to be vigilant in my wife's behavior. to always nurture my marriage. never let it go stale. do my part and never forget.

we live in a new age where temptation is EVERYWHERE.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

keep reading these infidelity stories. burn them in your brain. carry them with you. thank the good Lord for what you have if you have it.
and always remember........


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