# Help need advice, my wife left with our 3 week newborn girl!



## benfikaman (May 31, 2010)

Here we go... My wife and I are 27 and 25 years old and we we got married last may after 5 years together and now have a 3 week newborn. My parents and my wife have never really gotten along and my wife actually hates them for what i feel no reason at all. I knew that before getting married but I kept my parents away from my personal business as well. Did it hurt yes. Her parents on the other hand we would go visit at least once a week. So 7 days after the baby was born, i spot my wife crying in the shower. I ask her why and she says "You hate my mom" I was like no i don't but since we got home from the hospital she has been here everyday and she would trump some of the things i would say. Example: doctor said wash baby 3-4 times a week, her mom said doctors dont know and proceeded to wash her everyday. We bought a rocker and it said do not use if child is below 5.5 pounds and i said i prefer not to use for now because she was close at 5.9. Her mom went and sat her there. Her mom even commented several times to the baby in portuguese "oh ur parents are dumb, they don't know how to take care of you." the other biggest bomb shell was when her mom said i am going to take care of you when my daughter goes back to work and I said" Thank you so much for your generosity but we have decided that she is not going back to work in the meantime so that she can raise our daughter." that really struck a nerve with her! In the meantime, she was always there and my parents had only seen the baby once! That same day that i found her in the shower i received a phone call from none other than her mom saying that it was extremely important that she talk to me. She began the conversation by saying that she fealt unwanted in our house and I said responded " I haven't said anything but you are here everyday and the thing that bothers me the most is that it is mine and my wife's baby and we should raise her how we want but you don't take that into consideration and do what u want. She then DROPPED A BOMBSHELL, SHE SAID" Well, I think you treat my daughter bad.... i said what! I have given your daughter everything. She couldn't even substantiate what she was saying and I just hung up the phone. From that point on my wife and I fought because my wife all of sudden took her side and said that I wanted her and her mother to separate from each other. I couldn't understand, i was the victim here. Sure enough, 5 days later my mom was coming to visit my daughter and who shows up.. her parents. My wife had told them to come at the same time. My wife then gave my mom a bad attitude and I just exploded! I told her she was rude and she had no class and she walked out with the baby.. I didn't know what to do so i called the police and her parents started yelling outside and we called each other names and what not. Cops came and they said nothing could be done and she left with my daughter to her parents house. Couple of days later, we agreed to leave our parents out of our marriage(which I already was doing) and as much time as my daughter spent at her mom's house she would spend at mine. So she came back but with bad intentions. Every minute of the day for 3 days she blackmailed me saying " I'll leave if you don't do this... or I'll leave i don't care.. Couple of days later her mom calls and tells her she needs her help to babysit another child that she was taking care of illegally by the way... So she refused to leave my daughter with me and took her and I warned her that when she got back i would take her to my parents as well. well sure enough, she came back and didn't allow me to and she left again. I later found out that she was emailing her mom every hour and texting her and calling her and she really hadn't separated her from our marriage at all. In fact she talked about getting a divorce but how she would use me to pay her school in the meantime. What do I do. She hasn't let me see my daughter the last two days claiming it was to late. I come to find out they built a nursery for my daughter at her moms house. What should I do... She took a vow and oh I forgot to mention we are a couple of days away from closing on our new home! How will that impact an eventual divorce even though the mortgage and title are only in my name.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you go to church?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

benfikaman said:


> My parents and my wife have never really gotten along and my wife actually hates them for what i feel no reason at all.


There is a reason and you need to learn to respect your wife, her feelings, and her opinions. Generally, a girl wants her future in-laws to like her. No one decides they are going to automatically dislike their in-laws. Just like you dislike her mother for the things she does, your parents (or mother) have done or said things to your wife that were mean, disrespectful, judgmental, or whatever. There is a reason and you need to learn to respect your wife.



benfikaman said:


> She then DROPPED A BOMBSHELL, SHE SAID" Well, I think you treat my daughter bad.... i said what! I have given your daughter everything.


Her mother is right. And, it's pretty lame for you to reply with what you have given her. What do the things you have given have to do with the way you treat her? Nothing.



benfikaman said:


> Sure enough, 5 days later my mom was coming to visit my daughter and who shows up.. her parents. My wife had told them to come at the same time.


You wife wanted a buffer. She wanted someone there on her side and someone who might serve to prevent your parents' usual behavior of being unkind to her. Again, there is a reason your wife dislikes your parents. Perhaps they were mean to her. Perhaps they were judgmental. There is almost any number of probabilities, but the fact is her disliking them is their doing and you need to understand that. It is not okay for you to complain about her mother and dislike her mother's behavior and then not respect your wife's opinion of your mother. It is not okay for you to reduce her feelings down to "no reason at all." That is disrespectful and inconsiderate. It is also evidence that you feel superior to your wife, and you make sure she knows you are better and smarter than she is.



benfikaman said:


> My wife then gave my mom a bad attitude and I just exploded! I told her she was rude and she had no class and she walked out with the baby.


Shall I remind you of what her mother told you? Here it is...........


benfikaman said:


> you treat my daughter bad.


And she is right.

Your parents created bad blood with your wife. You are busy creating bad blood in your own home. I will grant you parents should be able to make decisions concerning their baby. But I would like you to concede that new parents don't always know what to do or how to do everything. In many, many families, wife's mom moves in for the first week or two when her daughter becomes a mother for the first time. It is an extremely trying time for a new mom, and her mother knows that because she experienced it herself. So, it is of no surprise to me that her mother was there every day and wanted to be there for her daughter to help with the baby and provide her daughter with much-need rest. You just didn't like that she was there, but she did what mothers do. Mothers come to help the new mom with the new baby. 

I did the same for my daughter, as most mothers do. Additionally, I taught my daughter to bathe her son every day after she told me what the doctors said. Their reason was to prevent dry skin, but I never heard of anyone dying from dry skin or having medical problems. For generations, babies have been bathed each day and doctors have changed their advice all the time. I remember Dr. Spock wrote a book in the '60s (I think it was the '60s) to teach mothers how to raise their children. He wrote another book in the '80s apologizing for the first book and admitted he was wrong. But who needed him anyway? Children didn't begin being born in the 1960s. 

Still, I will grant you the ultimate decision was yours and your wife's and mother-in-law should not have ignored your wishes. However, it sounds like it was only your wishes. You don't say your wife protested the baby being bathed each day or being put into the rocker. She listened to her mom but should have sided with you. But this is the pattern for both of you, and I think you started this pattern of disrespect. If you do not learn to respect your wife and treat her better, she will take the baby and stay away forever. Divorce is inevitable if you don't change your ways. I suggest marriage counseling.


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## benfikaman (May 31, 2010)

Thank you for your opinion but I wasn't able to post everything I wanted about the situation or else I'd have a book. On the mom thing.... I did respect my wife's decision because I defended her every step of the way even when my wife was disrespectful to my family(not only my mom, dad, bro but cousins as well). See the thing is here is that everyone that has met my wife hates her at first because she comes off with what seems a bad attitude. All I have done is put out fires and show people to see past her initial glamour as I like to call it. To say that I disrespect my wife when I hardly ever talk to my parents and go there because I respect her wishes is pure nonsense. If anything her parents have treated me far worse than my parents will ever have done but I respected them all along. The problem is my wife wears her feelings on her arm and isn't afraid to say what is on her mind to anyone no matter what age, gender or race! She doesn't have to do that because have you ever heard the saying "respect your elders". I agree they may not always be right but just listen and do as you wish but respect is key. I have always done that to her side of the family and she hasn't. Her mom would even sometimes be embarrassed of how she would talk to people and tell her that in front of them. I respect and love my wife very much. 

Do you know that one of the reasons that her mom said I treated her bad was because "You force her to go to church", they said. That is ridiculous... they are digging for dirt on me but can't come up with nothing. Yes I encourage my wife to go to church but don't force her and how is that treating someone bad? 

In addition, she tells her mom everything but I can't have the slightest conversation with mine or all hell breaks lose. She tells her so much that I'm surprised that she hasn't describe our sex life to her as well. What happens in a marriage is sacred between the two and should not be spread around but she cares more about her mothers opinion then mine.


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## benfikaman (May 31, 2010)

yes i go to church


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Drive to your mother-in-law's house and pick up your daughter. I don't care what time it is and I don't care if the baby is asleep. The baby belongs in her home. If your wife wants to leave and stay with her mother...that's her business you can't stop her. But you are the baby's father and parent, and even if your wife is mad at you she can not deny you access to your own child. 

If you feel they will give you trouble call the police and ask for an escort/assistance. You can explain you are the father, show them documentation, and show them that your daughter is not in her home. There is no court order indicating she has primary custody or that the baby should be at the mother-in-law's house, so just go get her and bring her home. Your wife can choose to come with the baby or stay. Your mother-in-law can not come. The end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree with affaircare.

And ask your pastor/priest to go talk to your wife.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

That is nonsense. That woman has a right to leave her husband if she wants, and any woman would take her child(ren) with her. Otherwise, husband and the courts would say she abandoned the child. I don't get this coming from those who are so well-respected for their normally helpful and sensible opinions. It is just as senseless to tell this man to call for a police escort. They will laugh him off the phone because HE is the one without a court order.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why does SHE have the right to remove the child from its home? If HE did that, she'd already have him in jail.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

That is not something you don't already know, Turnera. But if you must ask, then don't ask it of just me but of every woman w/ children who leaves her husband since the history of women leaving their husbands. Since when is it not common and the known and normal routine to even question like this?

If he did that, no she would not have him in jail. She couldn't unless she actually did have a custody order. Therefore, the police would not get involved (just like in the reverse case as I explained) unless she has an order of custody (it is then parental kidnapping) or unless she is able to convince them the child is in danger. If she does, then he goes to jail for violating the court order and/or for child endangerment. Otherwise, you are combining incidents and perhaps you didn't know the actual circumstances when you heard of such things happening. 

However, for the father to take his child(ren) is most uncommon. Therefore, there is really no precedence in such cases, except cases of kidnapping when there is a custody order in place with the mother being named custodial parent.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've seen plenty of cases.

Especially when the wife, upset with the husband, calls the police and says she's afraid of him. Case closed, he goes to jail.c


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You don't really believe the law is that vague do you? People are not arbitrarily taken to jail. To make an arrest, there has to exist "probable cause." People cannot be arrested for nothing. (That's the beauty of living in the US anyway. Now, if you live in another country, then I have no idea of the law there.) They have to have done something that violates the law. Again, you cannot have known the surrounding circumstances in the cases you heard about. No one, and I mean NO ONE is arrested because their wife said she is afraid. The police might ask him to leave the home to prevent violence (especially if he has been drinking), or they might ask her to go someplace else for her own safety, but they will not CANNOT arrest him and take him to jail just because she said she is afraid of him. She can say it all she wants. She can scream it from the rooftops. But unless he put his hands on her, harmed her in any way, he will not be arrested. And there has to be evidence (scars or bruises), witness(es), or his confession.

What on earth is this?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why does SHE have the right to remove the child from its home? If HE did that, she'd already have him in jail.


She doesn't Susan is just attacking the original poster as normal, especially when they are male. 

If he is in the US I doubt the police will give the child to the father. They just don't want to get involved unless abuse or instability can be determined. You need to get a lawyer and determine your options. Show that she has abandoned her home and restricted you from access to your child. You want to be first at the court house. Let's be honest. Can you see this relationship lasting. She is obviously married to her mother. You were there to make a child. You are of no use to her anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

First of all, I'm wondering if there is some sort of post partum depression going on here. If this behavior is out of character for your wife.

Your MIL sounds overbearing and selfish to me. If there is no bad history between you and your wife, then MIL SHOULD have the best intrests in her grandchild in mind....meaning a good family home for the baby. 

Your wife cannot just decide to leave you and take your child from you. If she did, indeed, leave you and is done with the marriage, then you do need to get a lawyer. Her behavior thus far will not sit well with a judge, who does have the best intrests of the child in mind. There are immediate, temporary orders than can be put in place until something more permenant is filed.

As much as I'd like to say that this is America, and unjust things don't happen here, they do. I personally know someone who's girlfriend physically attacked him (leaving bloody scratches and a knot on his head) and when he left the house, she called the cops and said she was scared of him. She even admitted to them that she called because he was leaving her. Who got arrested? He did. Absolutely zero marks on her, and he's bleeding, and he went to jail.

So, be careful if you decide to just go to the house and take the baby. In some states, loud arguing is considered domestic violence. You have every right to your child, but it may be an unfortunately long road.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why does SHE have the right to remove the child from its home? If HE did that, she'd already have him in jail.





Kobo said:


> She doesn't Susan is just attacking the original poster as normal, especially when they are male.


hahahaha Talk about attacking? You see what you want and conveniently ignore the rest. And all you did was attack me and what I said. You didn't prove your point and did not disprove my point. You simply told him to get a lawyer and get to the court house. What are they going to do? Nothing except award her child support and award him visitation. They are not going to tell her she did not have the right to take her child with her when she left her husband. In fact, they are going to award her custody - not him - to prove to YOU that she had every right to take her child with her and that it is customary and expected that a mother takes the children along with her when she leaves the marital home. They each might receive some form of joint custody depending on what he requests, but she will be awarded "custodial parent," meaning you have no idea what you are talking about. Therefore, you are wrong and accomplished nothing except your intended purpose to attack me and accuse me of something that is not true.

Or, since you are sooooo right and ready to say the mother did not have the right to take her child with her, show us one - JUST ONE! - case where a judge told the mother she "did not have the right" where a custody order was not violated (since this and cases like it have nothing to do with custody orders in that it hasn't reached such a point yet)." Just one. I dare you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm gonna stay out of the other stuff above and stick with the basics. Baby steps, baby steps. Call your wife, arrange to meet somewhere so you can talk and I am sure her mom won't mind keeping the baby. 

Talk about whether or not you two are gonna fix this or not. If yes, then sit down and draw up some boundaries with each other and each others family. 

Next talk about how you both FEEL about each others family. Not whats right or wrong, but how you each feel. You felt her mom was overbearing and intentionally did things you didn't like, and I am sure she has some feelings about your family too. Share them and get them out in the open.

If you aren't going to work this out, let your wife know that you won't be cut out of your childs life and that you want visitation. Talk about a schedule and if she refuses, tell her that its time you both go to court and get things settled. This way at least you are paying support and will receive some time with your own baby. Do what you can for at least joint custody and get into court to get things settled ASAP. 

I do hope this can be worked out, and it looks like all the stress from having a new baby just made you both go a little bonkers. It happens. Just for future reference though, it would probably help if her mom says something that isn't what you discussed with her (like her going back to work) then smile and walk away. Talk with your wife about it later and let her address her mom with the news of it all. Best of luck friend, either way!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> hahahaha Talk about attacking? You see what you want and conveniently ignore the rest. And all you did was attack me and what I said. You didn't prove your point and did not disprove my point. You simply told him to get a lawyer and get to the court house. What are they going to do? Nothing except award her child support and award him visitation. They are not going to tell her she did not have the right to take her child with her when she left her husband. In fact, they are going to award her custody - not him - to prove to YOU that she had every right to take her child with her and that it is customary and expected that a mother takes the children along with her when she leaves the marital home. They each might receive some form of joint custody depending on what he requests, but she will be awarded "custodial parent," meaning you have no idea what you are talking about. Therefore, you are wrong and accomplished nothing except your intended purpose to attack me and accuse me of something that is not true.
> 
> Or, since you are sooooo right and ready to say the mother did not have the right to take her child with her, show us one - JUST ONE! - case where a judge told the mother she "did not have the right" where a custody order was not violated (since this and cases like it have nothing to do with custody orders in that it hasn't reached such a point yet)." Just one. I dare you.



I did not attack you. I just said what everyone else thinks when you post. You didn't like it which is typical of a message board bully. There's one on every board. My other comments weren't an attempt to disprove what you said. It was to give my thoughts which in a nutshell is that she doesn't have the "right" to take a child away from their father whenever she sees fit but that because of women like you and the men in this country that are terrified of them we have an unjust system where it is easier to blame the male in the relationship and all the laws and actions of law enforcement officials are slanted in favor of the women because of the out dated philosophy that women are the weaker sex. So yes while his wife does not have the "right" to take his child away from him he will not be able to walk into the mother's house and get his child back. He will need to get a lawyer and go through proper channels in order to force her hand to either come back to him or work out custody arrangements while the divorce process works itself out.


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## campbell3609 (Jun 2, 2010)

communication!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And if that dosen't work you have the right to see your daughter as much as your wife. My father raised me without the help of my mother. and yes she walked out on him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> hahahaha Talk about attacking? You see what you want and conveniently ignore the rest. And all you did was attack me and what I said. You didn't prove your point and did not disprove my point. You simply told him to get a lawyer and get to the court house. What are they going to do? Nothing except award her child support and award him visitation. They are not going to tell her she did not have the right to take her child with her when she left her husband. In fact, they are going to award her custody - not him - to prove to YOU that she had every right to take her child with her and that it is customary and expected that a mother takes the children along with her when she leaves the marital home. They each might receive some form of joint custody depending on what he requests, but she will be awarded "custodial parent," meaning you have no idea what you are talking about. Therefore, you are wrong and accomplished nothing except your intended purpose to attack me and accuse me of something that is not true.
> 
> Or, since you are sooooo right and ready to say the mother did not have the right to take her child with her, show us one - JUST ONE! - case where a judge told the mother she "did not have the right" where a custody order was not violated (since this and cases like it have nothing to do with custody orders in that it hasn't reached such a point yet)." Just one. I dare you.


Okay Susan, I'll take the dare, I have one, my son. When his son's mother took the baby and wouldnt let him see him, she was admonished by the judge who told her she didn't have the right to keep her son from his father and that my son had every right to continue to go to where she was living and to contact her to see him. In fact she still hasn't been given primary custody, they are sharing equal custody until it gets worked out in court. And another thing, when she moved she broke a state relocation law and there wasn't a court order in place, her lawyer is still trying to get that charge dropped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Too many women (and I AM one as well as a mother of two), think because they gave birth that the children belong to only them, takes two to make a baby, they tend to push that aside. Times have changed, more and more fathers are getting primary custody and rightfully so, who says that a mother makes a better parent by virtue of their sex. My son is going for primary custody and has a good chance of getting it, he is just as good a parent as the mother and loves his son just as much, the best interests of the "child" should always trump your sex, if more women had the best interests of their children front and foremost when there is a mother/father split we would have a lot less dysfunctional adults...Oprah said it best on a show years ago, "you have to love your children MORE than you hate their father."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

I really don't think anybody who responded has enough information to give good advice here. It's really just he said, she said. We don't have both sides of the story, as is common on an internet advice site. 

No one here knows what this woman has had to put up with. He may be in the right, who knows. But do any of you really know enough to take up his side? Maybe there's a reason she did what she did. I think it's dangerous to assume.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay Susan, I'll take the dare, I have one, my son. When his son's mother took the baby and wouldnt let him see him, she was admonished by the judge who told her she didn't have the right to keep her son from his father and that my son had every right to continue to go to where she was living and to contact her to see him. In fact she still hasn't been given primary custody, they are sharing equal custody until it gets worked out in court. And another thing, when she moved she broke a state relocation law and there wasn't a court order in place, her lawyer is still trying to get that charge dropped.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't challenge you. I was unmistakably addressing the member named Kobo, but I thank you anyway for so kindly proving my point. The debate was about her taking the child with her. My challenge to Kobo was to present any precedence where a judge told the woman such a thing as "you had no right to take the child with you." Neither debate nor challenge ever stated anything about nor had anything to do with a judge telling a woman she "_didn't have the right to keep her son from his father_." I certainly hope a judge would tell her that. In fact, I stated more than once that he would be awarded visitation and stated he would be awarded some form of custody. But again, it was not about keeping the child from the father. It was about taking the child with her. I have no idea where you became so entirely confused. But I thank you so very, very much for proving my point with "_his son's mother took the baby_" after I said several times that mothers take the child(ren) with her when she leaves the marital home....and again, that is what both debate and challenge were all about.



TeaLeaves4 said:


> I really don't think anybody who responded has enough information to give good advice here. It's really just he said, she said. We don't have both sides of the story, as is common on an internet advice site.
> 
> No one here knows what this woman has had to put up with. He may be in the right, who knows. But do any of you really know enough to take up his side? Maybe there's a reason she did what she did. I think it's dangerous to assume.


Yes you're right, TeaLeaves4, I left the original discussion and held no more interest after he posted the second time. What he was saying about his wife didn't really matter because I don't believe the woman left him for no reason at all. She hates everyone she meets for no apparent reason, apparently hates her husband for no reason, and up and left him for no reason. Just a little too much to swallow.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If his wife is nursing, I cannot imagine any judge issuing a court order to remove the child from the mother.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

o


TeaLeaves4 said:


> I really don't think anybody who responded has enough information to give good advice here. It's really just he said, she said. We don't have both sides of the story, as is common on an internet advice site.
> 
> No one here knows what this woman has had to put up with. He may be in the right, who knows. But do any of you really know enough to take up his side? Maybe there's a reason she did what she did. I think it's dangerous to assume.


We will almost never have both sides of the story. All you can do is respond to what's given or just play man bad, women good like some
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## benfikaman (May 31, 2010)

Update:

Thanks everyone for your responses. Sad to say but things have not improved. She is still living with her parents and doesn't seem interested at all to come back. She did mention to me the following: "If you stop seeing your family and don't allow your dad to come and help you with some repairs on the new home we purchased than I'll consider coming back" I don't buy it and I said to her " how does that address the issue that made you leave?" She didn't answer because that was not the reason for her leaving. She just knows that will hurt me and wants to do it out of spite. Her mom is probably telling her some of this as well. 

Unfortunately, life is not the same without her and especially my baby girl. I miss her more everyday and have a hard time sleeping. In fact it was my 28th birthday sunday and didn't even celebrate it at all. Just wasn't in the mood. I'm a little depressed because I love my baby girl and I want to be with her but she now allows me to see her everyday for 15-20 minutes in my car! As the days go by she is getting bigger and bigger and I am missing the best part of her life. All i have are a couple of pictures to help me get through the long day at work.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Go tomorrow and GET A LAWYER this is not right on so many levels. Me and my H have problems(plenty) but I would never run off with his kids and only allow him to see them in a car for 15 minutes!!! In fact he sees them pretty much everyday and if he wants to see them he can. He is an amazing father and I would never imagine doing this. The mere idea of you losing out on this unbelievably precious time with your newborn daughter breaks my heart. 

DONT ALLOW HER TO DO THIS!!


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

This is now a legal issue. Get off the internet and get your baby back in your life. I would suggest not talking to anyone but a lawyer from here forward.


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