# How many have survived near sexless marriages and what did you do?



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

How many here have been in near sexless marriages / relationships, how long and what turned it around for you, if it did at all?


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

I took the first posting I ever wrote on TAM and sent it to her as a letter. I edited it a lot and left out the parts that could be construed as insulting. It seems to have worked as we now have sex 1 - 3 times per week which is up from 1 time every 2 or 3 months before that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

When my wife got pregnant she lost her drive. After delivery she was uninterested for 6-7 more months at least. After that for nearly a year it was a once a month thing. 

I did let it go at the time since our baby proved to be quite challenging but after a while I started talking about our sex life and my feeling and she listened and it slowly recuperated to 2-3 times per week as of now. Our son is two years old now.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You just do....

I believe one day it'll turn around. Been in a low sex one and now a sexless one yo my one and only wife. Guess you just learn to deal with it. I'll let you all know when it does.


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## HeartWontHeal (Apr 8, 2013)

My marriage has been sexless for about 14 years. Yes...years. It is my husbands choice not mine. Sadly nothing will change.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Mine was (and may eventually turn back into an "is") for seven years. Two small kids: four and six. The only time we ever argued was about the lack of intimacy. She would tell me she wasn't attracted to me. She told me she could go the rest of her life without it. She told me she hated that I wanted to have sex, and that sometimes she wanted my "thing" to fall off. All good things to hear as a husband. Our last fallout was in late January. I was fed up. I was on my way out the door, literally, but I stopped. I don't know if I was leaving for good or if I was coming back. I had pleaded, whined, complained, pouted, yelled, and cried for seven years to have a relationship based on more than just being "friends." I don't really know what I would've done had kids not been in the picture. I love my wife. I was faithful the entire time, even in Iraq. (Didn't have many options, as I was in an all male battalion). I love my children. I love my family more than adjectives could elucidate. I take my responsibility as father and husband seriously. I would always joke with my wife that if her sex drive ever came back, I would lose mine. It would be "poetic justice" in my mind, but that's just the hurt, selfish part of me coming out. I wouldn't wish that sort of anguish on anyone. It's saddening to be told you're not attractive to your wife. Now I am not Channing Tatum, but I am in extremely great physical condition. I lift six days a week. I don't want to lose my family, but I will be damned if I continue to be a roommate, or provider, with nothing in return. Things have improved drastically, with her actually initiating TWICE in the last three months. That's a 200% increase in initiating over the last seven years.

I never really considered divorce as an option, but I see now that it shouldn't be taken off the table. Hell, she even asked me if being with another woman would make me feel better. That question hurt me. Of course it wouldn't make me feel better. I want MY wife, not just some woman. Later, she would ask me if divorce was an option. And the same thing: it hurt me that she couldn't see how important this was to me, and that her choice was potentially divorce rather than working on "it." We ended up going to counseling for six weeks. At the near end of the counseling, and on a couples' retreat, she literally attacked me at 130 in the morning. Where did that come from? Why couldn't she do that more often? Sadly, that was two years ago. She's done that in the dead of night one time since, and once before sleep time.

I'll say that some of her lack of attraction to me is my fault, or at least circumstances of my life. I was wounded in 2005 in Iraq by an IED. I suffer from it. I had shrapnel. I had vertebrae rearranged. She wanted to do the sechs all the time before I deployed. When I came back, I was different. I wasn't a boy, despite being 24 when I was wounded (I did have a little too much playfullness in me before it happened). She went from feeling protected by me, to feeling like she needed to protect me. She basically lost respect for me. Also, I can be or used to be OCD about house cleaning. Yeah, I know. That's pretty beta of me (I am actually a mixture of both), but moreso alpha. 

I say all that in an effort to shed light into sexless marriages for people who may need to look deeply into their own actions as a catalyst for making their spouses not seem attracted to them. It's a vicious cycle, really. If you whine about the lack of intimacy, your spouse loses respect for you. It drives them further away. If you do ALL the cleaning, and make snide comments about cleanliness, your spouse may resent that. Step back and ask:

1.) Am I in decent shape? 
2.) Does my spouse think less of me because of my OCD-ness, my beta qualities, or because I pout?
3.) is there some medical condition that prevents my spouse from being interested? In our case, I fully believe birth control jacked her up.
4.) Is there someone else? Yeah, that thought creeps into my mind very, very seldomly, but it does. 
5.) How have you changed since your spouse went from HD to LD? We all change, but is it something that's selfish on your part? 
6.) Do you even lift, bro? Haha, just kidding. That would fall in the first category.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Was in a sexless marriage before I knew what a sexless marriage was.

After getting married my wife and I worked in the same factory. We used to drive home 3-4 times a week at lunch for a nooner.

That gradually faded to once per week, once per month, once per quarter.

After two years of no sex, I had an affair (6 years ago).

Have been struggling off and on. Had several talks about her needs and my needs, especially around having a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship. Despite meeting her needs (admitted by her), she couldn't meet mine.

In October she asked for a divorce. I surprised her by saying OK. When she realized I was looking for another place to live and had downloaded the divorce paperwork, she agreed to marriage counseling (something I had been asking for many years).

We went, worked hard at it and are in a better place in our marriage. We're having sex twice per week, something we haven't done consistently for about 30 years.

It takes work. It takes knowing what your spouse needs in the marriage, meeting those needs and letting them know what your needs are.

It takes making you the best person you can, including making sure you take care of your health and fitness (yes I do even lift bro  )

It takes communication. That means being assertive about what you want in the relationship and listening to what your spouse needs.

It takes knowing that divorce IS an option, since no one changes unless they really know what the consequences of inaction are.


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## brps (Apr 17, 2013)

]Hi everyone.
Im male and im 22 years old. Im not married. But i am engaged. Iv been with my partner for nearly 3 n ahalf years now. We have a 17month old son aswell. Our relationships like many we have our good times and our bad. But for the last 8 months iv been getting sex alot less than id like. Its down to once a week now and im feeling frustraited and a little confused as to why she doesnt want to sleep together. It always comes to the bedroom at night and.she just says shes just want to come to bed to cuddle and sleep. But in the mornings she doesnt want.to do it either. Same with during the day if im home. I dont no how it come to this. When we firsr got together she couldnt keep her hands off me. Now she just rolls over. And i dont no how long i can put up with this rejection. Im young and fit and i am a young atrractive man. I love my little family to much to leave over sex. But i have a really high sex.drive and.need sex. And cheating isnt an option for.me. . We did have a 5 week brake up 6 months ago. N she slept with a few ppl.could that have something to do with it??please iis there any advice or help that someone can give me. Im feeling lost n confused


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Run....that's my advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do NOT marry her.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

We've been together 13 years, and for the first few years, we had sex anytime anywhere anyway. Then it slowed to a trickle, stopped completely a few times, and remained at painfully low levels. I got shot down a few dozen times for every successful attempt. I couldn't even land a kiss without getting ignored at best or provoking a fight in many cases. I tried about everything to fix the relationship, starting with trying to talk to her about it. At best, this yielded short-term token results. 

Then I came here to lurk on this section of the forums, mostly saw things I'd already tried, tried them even better, still failed. She was not only apathetic towards sex most of the time - she seemed to resent the suggestion. She worked, came home, played games on her cell phone for an hour, went straight to bed to sleep for 14 hours, and went back to work. God help you if you tried to interrupt that flow of events. When I went cold, it changed nothing, as she was already like ice. It took ~7 years and recent spinal fractures, but I finally started to give up on the woman I loved.

Then SHE cheated on me - after she gave me a free pass to cheat on her when my needs were not met for years, and I openly refused for obvious reasons. So a few years after I was here reading about sex problems, here I am again on the forums as a member, but I joined for a section I'd never imagined: Infidelity. She hit rock bottom, got treatment for some mental issues (especially depression, which probably was a huge part of her low libido), is going to IC, and she seems to be a different person. Her old self, but better. 

How does it turn out? I don't know. We've both grown over the past few months, but I let her go in my heart in March. Now that she wants me and I can have her, due to this twist of fate, I'm now the one turning down sex. Once I "deleted" the affair by having crazy sex with her for a few weeks, reality set in again. So the decision seems to be: Stay with this woman I love, but who didn't meet my needs, didn't care, didn't carry her weight, and then cheated on me... or screw around with some of the 50,000 college girls in my town. I'm definitely keeping my options open.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

See, I've also been married about 13+ years and right after we got married, sex was already 1 - 2x month. It didn't take long for me to start having issues with my wife and we were not getting along due to the lack of intimacy.

Fast forward to present day. I had "the talk" with her some months ago and it sounded liked she finally got it. We were having sex 3x each week now and everything was on track, she changed her diet by cleaning it up, some natural supps from her naturopath and said she was getting a vaginal shot for hormones. We'll, the vaginal shot never happened.....and she is now back to wanting sex 1 - 2x month, never takes the initiative, is basically clueless or dumb, don't really know at this point and still expects cuddling, lots of talking, emotional support, etc. We'll, the door goes 50/50 in marriages, so no sex = nothing much else for her and she's noticed. I am the one who's read the e-books, bought the vibrator, more alpha male, learned much from this great site, chores without asking, etc. but has she made the same effort? No. So I've in essence cut her off and relief myself now, no longer needing her. I would kill for a woman that has a healthy high sex drive that takes care of her body, sex in the shower, toys, oils, dirty talking, dress up foreplay, in the car, outside, movies, etc, etc, etc. If she actually gets a normal to high sex drive, that will be the day.......I mean, one month of no sex, then one BJ and she thinks since she gave me that BJ, she's a good wife and everything is okay?! No, I haven't had sex with her for the entire month!!!

Don't know what to do anymore but learn more from TAM.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

MeditMike80 said:


> I took the first posting I ever wrote on TAM and sent it to her as a letter. I edited it a lot and left out the parts that could be construed as insulting. It seems to have worked as we now have sex 1 - 3 times per week which is up from 1 time every 2 or 3 months before that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could you kindly share a link to that thread? I'd like to read it please...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

brownmale said:


> Could you kindly share a link to that thread? I'd like to read it please...


No he can't, he was banned over two years ago.

*ZOMBIE THREAD!!!*


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Do NOT marry her.


I'm not sure this is the issue...

You have a relationship with another woman, and all will be fine (including great sex) for the first 2-3 years. Then kids come along.

You're back to square one!


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Some home truths:

* Till will kill your partner's interest in sex with you. Invariably.
* It's worse if you're married or had kids!
* If she falls for another (new) man, her sexual desires will wake up suddenly.)
* If she's denying you, your libido will grow stronger.
* When *she* wants sex with you, it will prove boring and you'll turn her down.

Happens so often with so many people.



Cabsy said:


> We've been together 13 years, and for the first few years, we had sex anytime anywhere anyway. Then it slowed to a trickle, stopped completely a few times, and remained at painfully low levels. I got shot down a few dozen times for every successful attempt. I couldn't even land a kiss without getting ignored at best or provoking a fight in many cases. I tried about everything to fix the relationship, starting with trying to talk to her about it. At best, this yielded short-term token results.
> 
> Then I came here to lurk on this section of the forums, mostly saw things I'd already tried, tried them even better, still failed. She was not only apathetic towards sex most of the time - she seemed to resent the suggestion. She worked, came home, played games on her cell phone for an hour, went straight to bed to sleep for 14 hours, and went back to work. God help you if you tried to interrupt that flow of events. When I went cold, it changed nothing, as she was already like ice. It took ~7 years and recent spinal fractures, but I finally started to give up on the woman I loved.
> 
> ...


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Sorry for sounding cynical, but a woman with a healthy high sex drive has, by definition, to be someone who is not your wife ;-) Or maybe someone you've married less than a year ago (and the kids haven't yet come).



CuddleBug said:


> I would kill for a woman that has a healthy high sex drive that takes care of her body, sex in the shower, toys, oils, dirty talking, dress up foreplay, in the car, outside, movies, etc, etc, etc. If she actually gets a normal to high sex drive, that will be the day.......I mean, one month of no sex, then one BJ and she thinks since she gave me that BJ, she's a good wife and everything is okay?! No, I haven't had sex with her for the entire month!!!
> 
> Don't know what to do anymore but learn more from TAM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Zombie Thread*


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