# Escort Ads



## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hi everyone, I'm in need of some advice. I am recently married (<1 year), and we share a computer. I was looking for a website I'd been on previously, and came across something peculiar in our internet history (nothing good ever happens from looking at an internet history).

To cut to the chase, my husband has been looking up escort services in our city on multiple occasions. When I initially brought it up to him, he lied to me and said he wasn't doing that. Then he backtracked and said he was doing it, because looking at ads (with no pictures, mind you), while watching porn gets him excited, but he would never actually follow through with it. 

A little background: when we started dating, he gave me a smart phone - my first one - which was an old phone of his. There were tons of sites for hooking up with random people and email exchanges between him and girls that were from these online sites. Not a big deal, it was before my time, though I wanted to know in case I was sleeping with someone who had several high risk sexual encounters right before he met me. He lied about that as well initially, and said his friend did it. Almost 2 years later, he fessed up and told me the truth that it was him. Now, it seems this fixation has reared its head again. 

I believe him that he didn't follow through with anything, while we've been together. However, it makes me very concerned for a future escalation (we've only been married 5 months, after all), and I'm hurt that I don't feel as though I am enough for him. We have sex about every other day, and I have always been open to trying whatever he wants to try. I have been okay with him watching porn, but looking at ads for prostitutes seems as though it takes it too far and makes it too real. I'm also not thrilled to be lied to. 

And finally, I want to say that overall, we have a very loving and trusting relationship, believe it or not! We are both very willing to compromise and see things from the others' perspective. We are going to counseling for the escort deal, and he has been extremely apologetic and sorrowful about what happened. 

So, am I overreacting? How can I move on? What would you do in my shoes?

Many thanks in advance for listening (reading), and for any insights you may have.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Does it bother you that he looks at porn all the time?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

People who have nothing to hide don't lie. If he's still lying to you. Then I would be concerned. Keep your eyes open. You'll probably find what you're looking for good or bad.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Does it bother you that he looks at porn all the time?


It's maybe once every two weeks or so, of which I'm aware, that he looks at porn. It doesn't necessarily bother me, though now I'm thinking me being okay with it led to other things that I'm not okay with.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Devastated an lost said:


> People who have nothing to hide don't lie. If he's still lying to you. Then I would be concerned. Keep your eyes open. You'll probably find what you're looking for good or bad.


Thank you for your message. I hope he just lied because he was embarrassed, not because there's more to this story.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am sorry you are here. But I am so glad you found us! 

You both need relationship counselling.

He needs individual counselling.

He is married with a hot young wife, right?

So why would he need to seek out "ladies" who, years ago, were called Penicillin Princesses? 

Oh, yes! STD tests for you both. Better to be safe than sorry.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> Thank you for your message. I hope he just lied because he was embarrassed, not because there's more to this story.


I hope so too, But I would look into it closer. Put your mind at ease either way you need to know. If he's not being honest, Then do what you have to to find out what's going on.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> It's maybe once every two weeks or so, of which I'm aware, that he looks at porn. It doesn't necessarily bother me, though now I'm thinking me being okay with it led to other things that I'm not okay with.


You being ok with porn does not make it ok for him to escalate to other things. My husband is a heavy porn user, but he has never escalated to looking at escort sites (outside of the pop-ups that ask if you want a date in your area but he never clicks on them). That’s like saying you’re ok with him smoking cigarettes and then blaming yourself if he escalates to smoking crack. Porn is one thing, escort services are totally different. Porn is you and your hand. Escort services is you and a real live person. No comparison.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> Hi everyone, I'm in need of some advice. I am recently married (<1 year), and we share a computer. I was looking for a website I'd been on previously, and came across something peculiar in our internet history (nothing good ever happens from looking at an internet history).
> 
> To cut to the chase, my husband has been looking up escort services in our city on multiple occasions. When I initially brought it up to him, he lied to me and said he wasn't doing that. Then he backtracked and said he was doing it, because looking at ads (with no pictures, mind you), while watching porn gets him excited, but he would never actually follow through with it.
> 
> ...



The escorts and old phone stuff is troubling. You need to investigate more. Sounds like the beginnings of sex addiction.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I am sorry you are here. But I am so glad you found us!
> 
> You both need relationship counselling.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I go to individual counseling somewhat routinely (have dealt with some trauma in my life and want to stay in front of its effects), and we went to couples' counseling yesterday. Hopefully it will help in the future. I'm also going to get tested for STDs, just in case. But he seems very offended that I want to get tested. 

And yeah! I'm not bad looking- I'm a runner and stay in good shape. I don't know what the desire is, especially since there are no pictures on those ads.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> Thank you so much. I go to individual counseling somewhat routinely (have dealt with some trauma in my life and want to stay in front of its effects), and we went to couples' counseling yesterday. Hopefully it will help in the future. I'm also going to get tested for STDs, just in case. But he seems very offended that I want to get tested.
> 
> And yeah! I'm not bad looking- I'm a runner and stay in good shape. I don't know what the desire is, especially since there are no pictures on those ads.


He was offended? Oh, dear, dear me. How sad. His fault, His problem.









Has he run out of Grow the F*** up pills, again?  

Time he got the Doctor to write him a new prescription. 

Incidentally the words rather than images? That might be so he gets to use his imagination so he can picture what they might look like?

Of course, his imagination is probably way, way off from reality. An example for you.

What he sees in his mind's eye:-









versus the reality of what is really happening over there...


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Don't make any plans to have kids with him just yet. How can there be trust when he lies? He's a serial liar who trickle truths. He has been feeding this fetish for a while now. With just five months into a marriage, you both have to seek counseling. With so many red flags, I'd run if I were in your shoes but it's your life. If I had to make a not so wild guess, I'd say you'll have to deal with this issue when it rears it's ugly head again years from now. He'll just be better at hiding it.

Here's an idea: ask him to take a polygraph for your peace of mind and see what he says. His reaction will tell you a lot.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> You being ok with porn does not make it ok for him to escalate to other things. My husband is a heavy porn user, but he has never escalated to looking at escort sites (outside of the pop-ups that ask if you want a date in your area but he never clicks on them). That’s like saying you’re ok with him smoking cigarettes and then blaming yourself if he escalates to smoking crack. Porn is one thing, escort services are totally different. Porn is you and your hand. Escort services is you and a real live person. No comparison.


Thank you - that is a good point. I have a tendency to blame myself for things, so I appreciate the perspective.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

sokillme said:


> The escorts and old phone stuff is troubling. You need to investigate more. Sounds like the beginnings of sex addiction.


I've asked him that, but he said no. I think him going to individual counseling and figuring out the "why" will be important.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> He was offended? Oh, dear, dear me. How sad. His fault, His problem.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


hahah! :smile2: I think he was offended thinking I don't believe him. And I do, generally, but I want to make sure.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Don't make any plans to have kids with him just yet. He's a serial liar who trickle truths. With so many red flags, I'd run if I were in your shoes but it's your life. If I had to make a not so wild guess, I'd say you'll have to deal with this issue when it rears it's ugly head again years from now. He'll just be better at hiding it.
> 
> Here's an idea: ask him to take a polygraph for your peace of mind and see what he says. His reaction will tell you a lot.


Thank you. That is what I'm most worried about. Our marriage is very important to me, and I don't want to give up on it just yet. Unfortunately, that leaves me in a place where I could get very hurt down the road. 

The polygraph is a good idea... I thought that was just in movies! :wink2:


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Polygraphs are not 100% reliable. The purpose is to gauge his reaction. Do get it, though. Many cheaters confess in the parking lot before they go in for the test.

Most spouses should be on their best behavior during the first few years of their marriage, aka the honeymoon stage. Few are expected to seek counseling for issues that usually happen years down the road.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> hahah! :smile2: I think he was offended thinking I don't believe him. And I do, generally, but I want to make sure.


No sane woman would find escort sites in her husbands history and NOT wonder wth is going on! 

Appearances matter. If he doesn't want to be accused of impropriety, it's best to avoid things that appear improper.



SwissGirl2016 said:


> Thank you. That is what I'm most worried about. Our marriage is very important to me, and I don't want to give up on it just yet. Unfortunately, that leaves me in a place where I could get very hurt down the road.
> 
> The polygraph is a good idea... I thought that was just in movies! :wink2:


Polygraphs range from $100-$500 on average, depending on where you live. You can look up polygraphers online to schedule an appointment.

I would. No way would I stay married to a man who patronized escorts. Even if I could get over the cheating, I couldn't get over the ick factor.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> No sane woman would find escort sites in her husbands history and NOT wonder wth is going on!
> 
> Appearances matter. If he doesn't want to be accused of impropriety, it's best to avoid things that appear improper.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't either, and if he had definitively followed through with it, I would not consider staying. He has offered to show me bank statements and such (we have our own accounts and a joint checking account). Thanks for the info about the polygraphs. I might just bring it up and see what his reaction is. 

Thanks for also helping me feel less crazy. I don't feel like I can talk to friends/family about this because I don't want to embarrass him (and myself, honestly), so it's hard to know whether I'm over or under reacting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here's the thing:

1) one doesn't frequent dating site and one-night-stand stuff, etc etc, and suddenly stop it. 

2). One doesn't look up all kinds of escort seevice bs that doesn't even have any pics, for fun.

3). Your husband is a known liar, and you're finding evidence he's looking up escort services in your first 6 months of marriage? You know that is CRAZY, right?

I think you are going to have a serial cheater on your hands if you stay married. I think he's a sex addict, and a liar.
Last of all, I really think you should run from this guy. You shouldn't have gotten married knowing about his sordid sexual history.

He is just NOT a trustworthy person. 
And you can't love him into being one. Have you ever heard of a person getting counseling and completely changing habits they've been involved in for years? I haven't.

I'd beg you not to have kids with this guy. Have unprotected sex at your own huge risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> It's maybe once every two weeks or so, of which I'm aware, that he looks at porn. It doesn't necessarily bother me, though now I'm thinking me being okay with it led to other things that I'm not okay with.


For some, porn can be a gateway to other things. The more they watch, and the longer term they have watched it, it loses its sexual shock value (turn on) and the user goes looking for something else. 

Always looking for a little more excitement, a little more risk...the next step may be escorts, and when he tires of that, whats next?

Just food for thought.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Here's the thing:
> 
> 1) one doesn't frequent dating site and one-night-stand stuff, etc etc, and suddenly stop it.
> 
> ...


I can see what you're saying, and I agree with you on some counts. We're going to try counseling. I really need to know the "why" so I can try to trust that it won't happen again. But, if you're right, and it continues, or escalates, I will leave him. But at least I will know I gave it my all.

Thanks for your words of advice. I really appreciate it.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Spicy said:


> For some, porn can be a gateway to other things. The more they watch, and the longer term they have watched it, it loses its sexual shock value (turn on) and the user goes looking for something else.
> 
> Always looking for a little more excitement, a little more risk...the next step may be escorts, and when he tires of that, whats next?
> 
> Just food for thought.


You very articulately described my fear for the future! It's actually something I brought up in counseling yesterday - if he likes that it feels "wrong" or "bad," then that will most certainly escalate to something worse down the road to get that fix. Still, I'm hoping for the best, and trying to be mentally prepared for the worst. 

When people told me that the first year of marriage is the hardest, I certainly did not expect this...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

If he's getting sex frequently in the marriage then I don't see the need for constantly watching porn or contacting escorts. 
I do wonder though does he have some sort of shame that he feels he can't do something with you & feels the urge to do it with a stranger. 
It may be something to discuss in therapy/MC 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> If he's getting sex frequently in the marriage then I don't see the need for constantly watching porn or contacting escorts.
> I do wonder though does he have some sort of shame that he feels he can't do something with you & feels the urge to do it with a stranger.
> It may be something to discuss in therapy/MC
> 
> ...


I don't really get it either. I think he'll be doing individual counseling as well to figure some of this out (let's hope). I hope he would be able to bring up anything he wanted to do, as he's brought up some unusual - to me - stuff in the past that I've been happy to try with him. Thanks for the note.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> I don't really get it either. I think he'll be doing individual counseling as well to figure some of this out (let's hope). I hope he would be able to bring up anything he wanted to do, as he's brought up some unusual - to me - stuff in the past that I've been happy to try with him. Thanks for the note.


If he has an unusual fetish or something, he may have been told in the past that's is disgusting or wrong, which could possibly lead him to hide things or go to an escort. 
You may be happy to participate but likely his feelings of shame/fear of judgement will stop him from doing it with you. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to be VERY VERY careful for the next few years with this man.

My husband is a sex addict who went from porn to chats to hook up sites to hookers. You can read the whole sordid tale through the link in my signature if you want to. Bottom line? I didn't want him to have a problem, so when I found the internet history before we were married, I let him explain it all away for me. This part is NOT in my story. He had stacks of magazines when I met him - STACKS of them. I felt comfortable because he wasn't hiding them. Then a couple years later I found tons of porn sites on the computer. There were pop ups and all kinds of crap. He actually wrecked the computer with viruses and crap from them. But I let him convince me it was all going to stop - he PROMISED it would stop. Stupidly, I believed him. Who wouldn't, when they have a few years invested in a guy and they're planning on getting married?

It took several years and our marriage getting crappy for him to fall off the edge. But he'd been a sex addict the whole time, untreated of course, and it was not possible for him to do anything else.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you want the truth right now, my suggestion is for him to see a CSAT. A certified sex addiction therapist. You can search one up here

https://www.iitap.com/therapists-search/

The fact he is upset about you getting STD tested is worrisome. If he truly wants to make this work, he should be willing to do whatever it takes. He should be volunteering to get tested HIMSELF. As long as he is putting himself before you with respect to him acting out, it doesn't bode well.

The polygraph is also a good idea. Like was mentioned, his reaction to it and actions leading up to it will be more telling than the actual results.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> If he has an unusual fetish or something, he may have been told in the past that's is disgusting or wrong, which could possibly lead him to hide things or go to an escort.
> You may be happy to participate but likely his feelings of shame/fear of judgement will stop him from doing it with you.
> 
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


Good point, that could very well be. I wouldn't know how to address that, then, if he's unwilling to talk about it with me or with a counselor. But, hopefully some of the individual therapy sessions will lead him to address these issues.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> One great thing happens while looking at an internet history: you find out the truth.
> 
> Looking at escort ads with no pictures enhances his porn viewing experience  . . . . . .uh-huh.
> 
> ...


I agree, it doesn't make sense to me that looking at an ad without pictures or video would be fulfilling. I need to know and understand the "why" before I can move on. You are so spot on about running - I need it very much for my stress relief and mental health, particularly right now. 

He is all over me, which makes me believe he hasn't followed through with these ads. But I still don't understand the desire. And I agree about children - but I was on the fence about having kids anyway, and I'm still in my 20s - for another year - so I can wait it out for a while. 

Thanks for the advice


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You need to be VERY VERY careful for the next few years with this man.


Wow - you have been through the ringer. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. It's amazing what we do when we're in love. If one of my girl friends were to come to me with this problem, I would immediately tell her to run for the hills. But when you're in the midst of it, it is so hard to want to believe anything but the best case scenario. 

I will definitely keep my eye out, and I will read your whole story as well. I appreciate you sharing that. We definitely have some similarities so far, so it's good to keep in mind what could happen if it escalates.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Since with the escort sites giving probable cause, I'd actually recommend you putting a VAR under the seat of his car. I suspect he's banging prostitutes. Telling you to look at bank statements is proof of that to me. It's not like pristitutes take debit cards.... Or do they?? &#55357;&#56843;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I have recently been through something very similar to you.

I really recommend suggesting a polygraph, you can do it nicely just say you are so worried and it would put your mind at ease, I say this because that's what it took for my husband to confess. We didn't even need the test.

I am very sorry you are going through this. :crying:


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> I agree, it doesn't make sense to me that looking at an ad without pictures or video would be fulfilling. I need to know and understand the "why" before I can move on. You are so spot on about running - I need it very much for my stress relief and mental health, particularly right now.
> 
> He is all over me, which makes me believe he hasn't followed through with these ads. But I still don't understand the desire. And I agree about children - but I was on the fence about having kids anyway, and I'm still in my 20s - for another year - so I can wait it out for a while.
> 
> Thanks for the advice


His sex drive being high does not mean he's not getting sex elsewhere. My WH actually pursued me more while he was cheating than during periods when he was faithful. It was a mechanism for assauging his guilt.

Your husband's repeat history of lying for extended periods of time about matters of crucial importance (what if hed given you HPV, which is asymptomatic in most men but causes cervical cancer???!!) is extremely troubling even IF (big if) he hasn't physically cheated.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry Swissgirl, you are too young and newly married to be dealing with this. I suspect you only know the tip of the iceberg. See if he agrees to a polygraph. I think you seriously need to consider whether you want to stay in the marriage. Marriages require work when both parties have much less serious issues, how sure are you that he will get the help he needs and not resort to these practices in the future?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Telling you to look at bank statements is proof of that to me. It's not like pristitutes take debit cards.... Or do they?? ��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but they do indeed take credit and debit.

My friend worked as a appointment setter for an escort service. Her job was to take the call, match the client to a hooker suited to his needs, take the payment information, and call the hooker to let her know who, when, and where. This was circa 1994-1996 and they were taking credit and debit card payments over the phone back then.

Most hookers have their own websites and the ability to take payments independently of a service. Some even use PayPal.

Now, let me tell you why checking statements is useless. 

First, I have never seen a service or an independent hooker that didn't have themselves listed on the billing end under some legit sounding name. So, you have to Google every listing on the statement you're unfamiliar with and check. A lot of people are fooled by the name and the relatively small fee. (Between $150-$350 for a "date" here, depending) 

Second, cash. Anyone patronizing a hooker can simply pay cash. Untraceable. Large withdraws, you say? Guys will skim $20 here and $10 there, stash it, and visit the hooker when he has enough to cover it. For some guys, the skimming money for their naughty fun is part of the thrill. They spend weeks anticipating, getting thrills from sneaking the cash, and it's actually all part of the experience for them.

And, lastly, disposable debit/credit cards. Sold at all grocery stores and pharmacies. The purchase shows on bank statements as $XX spent at Grocery Store.
@SwissGirl2016

Counseling is absolutely useless if he isn't capable of complete honesty. A counselor can only go on what they know. If one party is lying or concealing, there isn't much a therapist can do for that party and/or their spouse.

Spend the money on the poly. Find out exactly what you're dealing with, for real, before going to a therapists office.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'll add to the chorus. 

My exH was cheating the whole time with anything that would stand still long enough, yet he wanted sex at least once a day at home.

Two things I think women fail to really understand. 1) Sex has nothing to do with love for a lot of men and 2) Just because he's chasing you around the table doesn't mean he didn't just crawl out of someone else's bed.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Sorry, I couldn't "Like" your comment; it's too awful.
> 
> So glad you've moved on and are so much happier now. [ No-one has a "perfect" marriage, of course]


It was an awful marriage. I was young, I had an oops pregnancy, I married him for the kid's sake, and we weren't at all a good match. I wasn't innocent. I also had affairs. I was just a whole heck of a lot more honest about it.

But the point is that many men and women can be actively cheating and still be having regular sex at home. A lot of us have seen it. It's a thing.

I like to get that out there as much as possible. You know some women are out there, right now, in danger of getting an STD, because they think "he couldn't possibly be cheating, we're having regular sex and it seems pretty good, so..."


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Since with the escort sites giving probable cause, I'd actually recommend you putting a VAR under the seat of his car. I suspect he's banging prostitutes. Telling you to look at bank statements is proof of that to me. It's not like pristitutes take debit cards.... Or do they?? ��
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, I'm not sure, another poster says that they do. I'm learning more about hookers than I ever wanted to know. He could have taken out cash or opened another bank account that I'm not aware of - there are many ways around it. 

And unfortunately, I also wouldn't be able to tell much based on where he has been. He owns a company and travels all around the state for work, so it would be impossible for me to tell if he was with a customer or if he WAS the customer.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

albertamom3 said:


> I have recently been through something very similar to you.
> 
> I really recommend suggesting a polygraph, you can do it nicely just say you are so worried and it would put your mind at ease, I say this because that's what it took for my husband to confess. We didn't even need the test.
> 
> I am very sorry you are going through this. :crying:


It's really nice to hear I'm not the only one going through this, but I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this with your husband. Are you trying to work things out? I hope you're taking time for yourself in the midst of all of that. 

I'm still internally debating the polygraph test...


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

veganmermaid said:


> His sex drive being high does not mean he's not getting sex elsewhere. My WH actually pursued me more while he was cheating than during periods when he was faithful. It was a mechanism for assauging his guilt.
> 
> Your husband's repeat history of lying for extended periods of time about matters of crucial importance (what if hed given you HPV, which is asymptomatic in most men but causes cervical cancer???!!) is extremely troubling even IF (big if) he hasn't physically cheated.
> 
> Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


Hm, I always thought that an unhappy/sexless marriage would lead to infidelity. Sounds like I was wrong about that. I'm so sorry you were cheated on. I am getting STD tested in a couple of weeks (the earliest I could get) - I will ask about HPV, too. Thanks for the advice.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

aine said:


> Sorry Swissgirl, you are too young and newly married to be dealing with this. I suspect you only know the tip of the iceberg. See if he agrees to a polygraph. I think you seriously need to consider whether you want to stay in the marriage. Marriages require work when both parties have much less serious issues, how sure are you that he will get the help he needs and not resort to these practices in the future?


Very good points, all around - thank you for your kindness. I feel as though I only know what truths I have to pry out of him, or that I found myself. It's really frustrating. I do want to stay in the marriage - we are very close and my life is truly much better with him (generally speaking). Of course, if this happens again, or something worse, I will be forced to file for divorce. 

As for the help he needs, he has been eager to schedule and pay for therapy, both individually and as a couple. I just hope he puts in the work and HONESTY needed to get through this. 

Thanks again.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Sorry, but they do indeed take credit and debit.
> 
> My friend worked as a appointment setter for an escort service. Her job was to take the call, match the client to a hooker suited to his needs, take the payment information, and call the hooker to let her know who, when, and where. This was circa 1994-1996 and they were taking credit and debit card payments over the phone back then.
> 
> ...


Wow - thank you so much for all of that information. I didn't think it was worthwhile to check bank accounts that he's already gone through. It's easy to create an account, or to do the tricks you mentioned. He's in IT, and is very smart, so I'm sure he could cover his tracks (though he wasn't very good at clearing his browsing history). 

You're so right about counseling. I saw him open up a little bit to the counselor we spoke to already, telling her he was depressed about his weight and things like that, which was more than I expected from an initial visit. 

I will likely bring up the polygraph and see what his reaction is. It just makes me feel a bit uneasy, but you're right that it's important to know what I'm dealing with. Thank you so much for your message.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Oh, hon, when people say the first year of marriage is the hardest, they don't mean because your husband is checking out using an escort service.
> 
> They mean the tension from adjusting to living 24/7 with someone you've never lived with before. Figuring out how to share chores, handling money, how involved you should be with your in-laws-----domestic stuff like that.
> 
> ...


I can't thank you enough for your comment. We have actually lived together for almost 3 years now, have spent tons of time with each others' families, etc. The counselor we spoke to did say that the first year of marriage can be difficult emotionally as well. 

"He may be offended because it hurts him that you think he would give you a disease." - Bingo - I think that's entirely what it is. I care about his feelings, but they won't stop me from protecting myself, so I will for sure being going through with the STD testing. 

Interesting about your husband having more self-love sessions after he became intimate with you. You could definitely take that as a compliment and that he couldn't get enough of you! Though he probably shouldn't have blamed you for the side effects...

Thank you again.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> I'll add to the chorus.
> 
> My exH was cheating the whole time with anything that would stand still long enough, yet he wanted sex at least once a day at home.
> 
> Two things I think women fail to really understand. 1) Sex has nothing to do with love for a lot of men and 2) Just because he's chasing you around the table doesn't mean he didn't just crawl out of someone else's bed.


You're right, and I'm really sorry you dealt with that. I can see why he's an EX-husband.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> It was an awful marriage. I was young, I had an oops pregnancy, I married him for the kid's sake, and we weren't at all a good match. I wasn't innocent. I also had affairs. I was just a whole heck of a lot more honest about it.
> 
> But the point is that many men and women can be actively cheating and still be having regular sex at home. A lot of us have seen it. It's a thing.
> 
> I like to get that out there as much as possible. You know some women are out there, right now, in danger of getting an STD, because they think "he couldn't possibly be cheating, we're having regular sex and it seems pretty good, so..."


Very honest of you - it's good that you realized you're not right for each other, and I'm sure you learned a lot along the way. (I'm learning a lot from this discussion...)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> Honestly, I'm not sure, another poster says that they do. I'm learning more about hookers than I ever wanted to know. He could have taken out cash or opened another bank account that I'm not aware of - there are many ways around it.
> 
> And unfortunately, I also wouldn't be able to tell much based on where he has been. He owns a company and travels all around the state for work, so it would be impossible for me to tell if he was with a customer or if he WAS the customer.


I've never been with a hooker or have done drugs other than trying pot once, during college. I've led a pretty sheltered life, which I'm glad of.
Sounds like they do indeed take cards.
The fact that your husband is a traveler and is checking out escort services, you are definitely in a risky position for std's.

He really just sounds like a sex addict. Not necessarily a bad person, just an addict. There's a thousand reasons people can come up with, but in the end, he needs to accept he has a problem and hopefully have the self-motivation to stop the behavior. Thing is, once an addict...... 

You sound like a reasonable, easygoing woman. I hope you figure out a solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> He really just sounds like a sex addict. Not necessarily a bad person, just an addict. There's a thousand reasons people can come up with, but in the end, he needs to accept he has a problem and hopefully have the self-motivation to stop the behavior. Thing is, once an addict......


He really does. The link I posted earlier is a good one for finding someone who could tell you. Many CSAT's will see a spouse first and then the addict. Or just the spouse.

Here's a good book on the subject as well

https://www.amazon.com/Your-Sexuall...40272-5836633?ie=UTF8&*Version*=1&*entries*=0

PLEASE don't discount this angle just because you don't think he could POSSIBLY be a sex addict. You really DO need to know if he is, because it affects everything going forward.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I've never been with a hooker or have done drugs other than trying pot once, during college. I've led a pretty sheltered life, which I'm glad of.
> Sounds like they do indeed take cards.
> The fact that your husband is a traveler and is checking out escort services, you are definitely in a risky position for std's.
> 
> ...


I grew up in a town of 1,500 people, so I understand what you mean! I can definitely be naive about these things. 

The traveling around the state and such does concern me, because he could really get away with anything if he wanted.

I have had extensive talks with him about if he is addicted - I'm not sure what the right questions to ask are. I plan on bringing it up to the counselor and to see what she thinks. 

Thanks again for your comments. :smile2:


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Interesting, how overweight is he? Be totally honest, (don't try to put a positive spin on it, because of loyalty to him---we don't know you guys, so you can tell us the plain facts).
> 
> And no, my H always masturbated so he could "be with" women that he found more attractive than me. How do I know? He told me when I asked. So, take a lesson from that
> 
> ...


My husband was about 150 pounds when I met him (he's 5'9"). He had a shoulder injury, subsequent shoulder surgery, and gained a lot of weight in the process. He's at about 200 pounds currently. And I promise I'm not trying to change the facts :wink2:, but he is a muscular guy and doesn't really look overweight. A little more in his stomach than before, and he has some love handles, but not obese by any means. I still find him very sexy. He now has an ankle injury so he doesn't feel he can work out. I've tried many, many things to gently help him lose weight, but at some point it has to be work he puts in. 

And, yikes - masturbating while thinking of others he'd rather be with has got to feel really terrible. I think I can identify with that feeling... I hope you're in a better situation now. 

Thanks for the compliment - I try to see the best in situations, but I have been bouncing back and forth with this one from "it's not that big of a deal" to "this marriage is doomed and I can't believe how stupid I'm being." I'm trying to be reasonable about this, as it is a huge red flag. I just don't want to give up on something that is great in many other ways, until I know for sure. Hope that makes sense. 

You are all so helpful and kind. It is really a relief to be able to "talk" about this and get some different perspectives.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> He really does. The link I posted earlier is a good one for finding someone who could tell you. Many CSAT's will see a spouse first and then the addict. Or just the spouse.
> 
> Here's a good book on the subject as well
> 
> ...


Funny you should say that! I read your story this morning and was really touched by it. I also wrote down almost all of the books you mentioned. I've read the 5 Love Languages book, but the others seem really helpful as well. 

I agree that ignoring a sex addiction would be incredibly destructive. It's difficult because he doesn't think he has a sex addiction, and it has to be something he admits to himself and to others. I plan on bringing it up to the counselor to see what she thinks, and perhaps she can take it further with him in individual counseling. 

Thanks again for all of your advice and for sharing your story. It was very honest and insightful.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> And finally, I want to say that overall, we have a very loving and trusting relationship, believe it or not!


I'm sorry but I don't believe it, and furthermore I'm going to suggest that since you've been married a very short time, there's PLENTY of time for things to get a heck of a lot worse.

Don't expect things to get better, there's no reason to expect them to.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

New sexy wife, regular sex with her---- still looking at porn and checking on hookers? 

I'd say there's little doubt he has a problem. Everybody has problems--- this one is just really destructive to a marriage in particular.

Voice activated recorder under seat of his car. You need the truth in order to make an informed decision.
You will NOT get it from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Can you access his phone? Does he still have all those hookup apps? From a tech blog post today, Eat, Pay, Love: A new app lets women charge for a night out. Will dating join the on-demand economy?
| The Verge, I heard of the Ohlala app, arguably a kind of the Uber for hookers.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Mclane said:


> I'm sorry but I don't believe it, and furthermore I'm going to suggest that since you've been married a very short time, there's PLENTY of time for things to get a heck of a lot worse.
> 
> Don't expect things to get better, there's no reason to expect them to.


That's okay, you only know the information I've given, and I can't convey a whole relationship in a forum like this :smile2:. I agree that there is plenty of time for things to get a lot worse, but I hope that we can move past this. Thanks for your comment.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Can you access his phone? Does he still have all those hookup apps? From a tech blog post today, Eat, Pay, Love: A new app lets women charge for a night out. Will dating join the on-demand economy?
> | The Verge, I heard of the Ohlala app, arguably a kind of the Uber for hookers.


These are good to keep in mind, but he hasn't been on these hookup apps anymore (as far as I'm aware). Thank you for the info.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> New sexy wife, regular sex with her---- still looking at porn and checking on hookers?
> 
> I'd say there's little doubt he has a problem. Everybody has problems--- this one is just really destructive to a marriage in particular.
> 
> ...


I agree, something is definitely wrong, and I hope that he admits that he has a problem so it can be dealt with before it becomes a larger issue. 

Thanks for the idea about the voice activated recorder. I feel very uneasy about spying on him, but I do need to know what I'm dealing with.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> These are good to keep in mind, but he hasn't been on these hookup apps anymore (*as far as I'm aware*). Thank you for the info.


Does he let you see his phone? Do you know the password? Or does he guard his phone closely?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's incredibly difficult to admit to such an embarrassing problem, one that is sure to deeply hurt his new wife whom he very likely adores and doesn't want to lose.

I can tell by your writing style that you are non-judgemental, intelligent, loving, and loyal. All good reasons to love someone. He just has a problem and I hope he gets it worked out. It will likely hurt him more than you in the long run if he loses you over a goofy self-destructive addictive behavior that even he probably wishes he didn't have.

Protect yourself, and help him at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> Does he let you see his phone? Do you know the password? Or does he guard his phone closely?


He does let me see it, and I know the password. He also gave me the password to his email/facebook/etc. But... I imagine he wouldn't use his main email account, for which his wife has access, to inquire about a prostitute.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> It's incredibly difficult to admit to such an embarrassing problem, one that is sure to deeply hurt his new wife whom he very likely adores and doesn't want to lose.
> 
> I can tell by your writing style that you are non-judgemental, intelligent, loving, and loyal. All good reasons to love someone. He just has a problem and I hope he gets it worked out. It will likely hurt him more than you in the long run if he loses you over a goofy self-destructive addictive behavior that even he probably wishes he didn't have.
> 
> ...


Well, you guys are cheering up my morning. Thank you for being so kind. I certainly have my fair share of issues, too, and can be defensive and difficult to deal with at times. 

I agree that it is an embarrassing problem, and that embarrassment is why he has lied about it in the past (and present). I do think he loves me very much, and he doesn't want to admit any more than I know because it will hurt me. I've been trying to stress to him that it hurts much more and is much more destructive to not understand and not know the extent of this. I will do nearly anything to make this marriage work, but you're right that I need to protect myself at the same time. 

Once again, thank you, really.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

A man doesn't just review ads for escorts. Either he is using them or thinking of using them. 

My ex traveled and had dinners with many people. He would pay for the meal and have everyone give him cash to cover their meals. Wala there was his extra money for the escorts. I know of which I speak.......my ex always wanted sex with me but he also wanted if with escorts. He gave me one of the high strains of HPV, which in turn caused pre-cancer cell that would not go back to normal so I ended up with a compete hysterectomy. 

You have only been married a year, don't invest to much time in the wait and see mode.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Tomara said:


> A man doesn't just review ads for escorts. Either he is using them or thinking of using them.
> 
> My ex traveled and had dinners with many people. He would pay for the meal and have everyone give him cash to cover their meals. Wala there was his extra money for the escorts. I know of which I speak.......my ex always wanted sex with me but he also wanted if with escorts. He gave me one of the high strains of HPV, which in turn caused pre-cancer cell that would not go back to normal so I ended up with a compete hysterectomy.
> 
> ...


Oh, wow. I'm so sorry your ex put you through that hell.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tomara said:


> A man doesn't just review ads for escorts. Either he is using them or thinking of using them.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is important.

My husband didn't admit that what he did was just as bad as actually having sex with a hooker until a week after I kicked him out. And even after THAT, because he wouldn't admit to being a sex addict (he would call himself a CYBERsex addict but not a SEX addict), he STILL ended up hiring a hooker eventually.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't buy anything you telling us he's saying. I you're looking at escort ad's you're doing it for the reason of perhaps using them. You aren't going read them for pleasure.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Tomara said:


> A man doesn't just review ads for escorts. Either he is using them or thinking of using them.
> 
> My ex traveled and had dinners with many people. He would pay for the meal and have everyone give him cash to cover their meals. Wala there was his extra money for the escorts. I know of which I speak.......my ex always wanted sex with me but he also wanted if with escorts. He gave me one of the high strains of HPV, which in turn caused pre-cancer cell that would not go back to normal so I ended up with a compete hysterectomy.
> 
> ...


First of all, I'm SO sorry that his mistakes ended up being something you had to deal with. How absolutely terrible, and what an awful thing to do to someone he proclaimed to love. 

"A man doesn't just review ads for escorts." That's the part I'm hung up on as well. I don't see the pleasure derived from an ad that only has text and no pictures. He says it makes porn "more real," which doesn't make sense to me either. What DOES make sense to me is someone that is curious and wants to explore sex with random people without attachments, either for the present or for the future. 

I don't know what else to do aside from wait and see, go to counseling, get tested, and be very, very cautious. :frown2:


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> This is important.
> 
> My husband didn't admit that what he did was just as bad as actually having sex with a hooker until a week after I kicked him out. And even after THAT, because he wouldn't admit to being a sex addict (he would call himself a CYBERsex addict but not a SEX addict), he STILL ended up hiring a hooker eventually.


You are such a strong woman to stick to your guns and make him face his addiction. I'm hoping to channel some of your strength and resolve!


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> I don't buy anything you telling us he's saying. I you're looking at escort ad's you're doing it for the reason of perhaps using them. You aren't going read them for pleasure.


I agree, this is the part that I'm most hung up on. I don't get it. I've read online that some men do this (unless they're also lying), but I truly do not understand. Thanks for your comment.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> You are such a strong woman to stick to your guns and make him face his addiction. I'm hoping to channel some of your strength and resolve!


You don't need to channel my strength - you need to find your own.

Seriously. When I found out what he was doing I kicked him out. That very day. Granted, he had actually gone to meet up with someone and spent the money, but still. That's only one more teeny tiny step from what your husband has done. Or rather, what you KNOW he has done.

Have you tried going to yahoo, gmail and other email sites and seeing what comes up on the log in page? Sometimes if you type the first letter the rest of the username shows up. You wouldn't be able to log in unless you knew his password, but you WOULD know if he had secret email accounts. You could then ask him to log in to them, right then and there in front of you so he doesn't have time to delete anything. Just you finding he has something like that might make him confess more.

You really need to do some serious snooping. Although you could be too late already.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

My situation is similar but It's possible your H hasn't escalated past just checking it out. 

push for a polygraph it will be worth the money spent, explain to him that you trust him but that these escort adds have made you doubt that trust. 

It's possible that you found this information before he has even acted on it. 

In my case, I can't move past this behavior. But maybe some people could make it work. :crying:


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## albertamom3 (Oct 15, 2014)

I just wanted to add one more thing,

In the beginning before I had his confession. My whole being just wanted to believe everything he said, please try to stay focused on the information in front of you, don't let him make you feel like you are making something out of nothing or that you are paranoid. 

The hardest part of this is that the person you love and trusted is telling you all the things you WANT to hear, the problem is they are lies. Even now that I have the truth, I still want to believe him.
It's very hard but stay strong and don't be satisfied until you know you have the TRUTH.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Thanks again for your comments - a bit of an update... I had a feeling that there was more to this (as many people also pointed out), so I did some more digging. I found many more times he's looked at ads, but worse, I found that he has gone to at least two "erotic massage parlors" while we were dating. I had the first panic attack of my life - gotta try everything once - eventually calmed down, then talked to him about it when he was home. 

And excuse me while I vent, but it is extremely unpleasant to go to him and ask him a point-blank question only to have him ask me what I know or found. He, of course, says he just "drove past" the massage parlors (one of them he "drove past" twice?) but he never went in. In his defense, it looks like he drove past one at 6 am, so I don't imagine they would be open. But I don't know how any of this works, really. 

After talking for a while, he admits he has an addiction and a problem, but still will not admit to anything I don't already know, or admit to doing anything beyond what I found. He says he will call for individual counseling today. I tell him I would like him to take a polygraph test, and if he fails it, we are completely over. He agrees, without hesitation. 

On my way out of the door going to work this morning, he tells me that he was molested by an older step-brother when he was young. I say "I'm sorry that happened to you, thanks for telling me," and I left. I have no idea what to do next. 

FYI, I found (part of) the truth by looking at "RubMaps.com," looking for massage parlors near me, and seeing if my husband had been there. I went from never snooping to being a PI in a couple weeks. Just wanted to let the internet know in case someone is going through something similar. 

So, I am in complete shock and am entirely in the red emotionally. I appreciate all of everyone's help in making me see that there was more to this story, and that I should take this seriously. And apologies if I'm replying to someone instead of just posting a comment on here.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

As you are finding out, where there is smoke there is fire. My ex deflected what was happening onto me. He made it all my fault and accused me of cheating before I knew the cold hard facts. It's a standard script of a liar and a cheat. I never ever cheated on him.

God I know about those panic attacks. I would have one every time I uncovered another piece of the puzzle. My heart breaks for you SwissGirl. 

I am sorry that your husband was molested but there are people to talk to about these terrible things, once again I know because I was molested at 13 by a family member. I dealt with in in counseling, not cheating.

Wow, when you hear a little about my life you would think I should be totally messed up. You know what, I am a strong, good woman but I did have to face all the crap and deal with it. 

Does he have his credit cards set up on line? Check to see if he has a credit card you did not know you guys had.... I found one! If you can, get the number and set them up on line and view the purchase history, call the numbers on charges you don't understand ( this gave me hard evidence). 

I can't say your life is a twin of mine but from what you are saying, they are certainly related. Please stop sleeping with him until you have all the answers and know 100% that he has not frequented escorts. My prayers are with you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@SwissGirl2016 it's very unusual that he just comes out with "I was molested by an older step brother" 

It just seems like an excuse he's giving you so you'll give him permission to go out & let him feed his addiction. 

I'm a survivor of rape & attend meetings at the local crisis centre & let me state this, you don't just openly admit to being assaulted easy. 
I'm not saying that this didn't happen to him, but speaking from experience it takes years for one to openly admit to being assaulted. 

To say that statement & for him not to have a complete emotional breakdown while telling you is suspicious. 

Being sexually abused doesn't give anyone a hall pass to cheat in a marriage. 




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Wish I could triple like Mrs Aldi's post. It has so many truths in it! It took 30 years for me to finally talk about my abuse. It's not a subject someone just throws out there on a whim.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> And excuse me while I vent, but it is extremely unpleasant to go to him and ask him a point-blank question only to have him ask me what I know or found.


You need to get better at this.

Don't tell him what you know, because he won't give you any more than that. His response of "tell me what you know and then I'll tell you only what I have to tell you" virtually SCREAMS of guilt.

I'm sorry but everything you've posted points to this being only the very tip of a very deep iceberg.

The good news is that you haven't been together all that long, no significant shared assets, or even worse, children.

Don't go there until and unless this gets resolved, and that's a long shot at best.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

If you're 5 months into a marriage and you already don't trust your husband so much that you are going to get tested for STDs, asking for a polygraph, and snooping is this what you want for the rest of your life?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Major baggage. Red flags everywhere. You confronted from a position of weakness by letting him control what he would admit to. You never, ever disclose what you know because it will let him know what facts he can keep and what facts he can admit to. You have to put on your poker face. Some betrayed spouses are so good at it, they can confront and extract a confession with little to no evidence. You also shouldn't have threatened him with a polygraph. You should have just calmly said you would like for him to take one and that's it. Then look in his eyes and study his reaction.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Tomara said:


> As you are finding out, where there is smoke there is fire. My ex deflected what was happening onto me. He made it all my fault and accused me of cheating before I knew the cold hard facts. It's a standard script of a liar and a cheat. I never ever cheated on him.
> 
> God I know about those panic attacks. I would have one every time I uncovered another piece of the puzzle. My heart breaks for you SwissGirl.
> 
> ...



Oh, I'm so sorry for your painful past. My husband hasn't accused me of anything, he is just very apologetic and embarrassed. He gave me access to his bank accounts, but those are the only ones I know about. And there are many ways to get around that... 

The good news is, he passed a polygraph test saying he never followed through with anything or had any physical contact with anyone aside from me since we started dating. I feel bad that it had to get to that level, but with all of his lying and my health being at risk, I needed to know. 

Thanks for your message.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> @SwissGirl2016 it's very unusual that he just comes out with "I was molested by an older step brother"
> 
> It just seems like an excuse he's giving you so you'll give him permission to go out & let him feed his addiction.
> 
> ...


I agree, and I'm not accepting it as any sort of excuse for this behavior. Though it may help me understand some of his proclivities, it doesn't excuse them, nor does it excuse lying to me repeatedly.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Yes said:


> If you're 5 months into a marriage and you already don't trust your husband so much that you are going to get tested for STDs, asking for a polygraph, and snooping is this what you want for the rest of your life?


Sorry, but I think you're missing the timeline here. I trusted my husband very much. Then I found escort ads. I was not snooping when I found those. He lied to me about the ads, then I DID snoop and found much more that he has lied to me about. You're correct that I don't particularly trust him right now, but that is due to this situation. I would not have married him if I didn't trust him and if I knew that he has this serious problem. 

Thanks for your... help?


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Major baggage. Red flags everywhere. You confronted from a position of weakness by letting him control what he would admit to. You never, ever disclose what you know because it will let him know what facts he can keep and what facts he can admit to. You have to put on your poker face. Some betrayed spouses are so good at it, they can confront and extract a confession with little to no evidence. You also shouldn't have threatened him with a polygraph. You should have just calmly said you would like for him to take one and that's it. Then look in his eyes and study his reaction.


I told him someone suggested that he does a polygraph. He was very open to the idea, and even drove an hour and a half to take it, as well as paying for it. The results showed that he's telling the truth that he's never been in a massage parlor, and has never had any physical/sexual contact with anyone aside from me since we started dating. 

As for disclosing what I know, you're completely right. The only thing I can say is that I was in kind of a daze when I talked to him about it, and I wasn't trying to act strategically. I was just very upset. 

Thanks for your advice and your comment!


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> So, while you are dating, he gets off at massage parlors. I want to say something that a lot of people disagree with; but I'm going to say it because I think you can see the truth of it here.
> 
> :soapbox:
> There's a belief in "sowing your wild oats" sexually. That you get it all out of your system before committing to marriage. That way, you have no regrets, so you're ready for the discipline that monogamy requires.
> ...


Thank you so much - and I agree with your logic on all counts. He did pass a polygraph (he went out of his way to do it and pay for it so he could show me he wasn't lying) - and according to the results, he's never been inside of a massage parlor or had any sexual interaction with anyone aside from me since we started dating. 

I think he came very close, though. And I think if he doesn't get help for this, continually, this obsession will escalate and will lead to physical contact with someone else.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to be prepared to ACCEPT the results. In this case, luckily, he passed. That means you need to accept that your WORST fears were not realized.

And the fact that he voluntarily with no coercion and procrastinating went and took the test is not indicative of someone who is lying. if he had more to hide he most likely would have given you all the reasons why he should not take the polygraph.

That being said, he needs to get to the bottom of why you found what you found. He obviously knows right now you trust level is not the highest, but given that he has passed the test the embarrassment factor should be going away.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to be prepared to ACCEPT the results. In this case, luckily, he passed. That means you need to accept that your WORST fears were not realized.
> 
> And the fact that he voluntarily with no coercion and procrastinating went and took the test is not indicative of someone who is lying. if he had more to hide he most likely would have given you all the reasons why he should not take the polygraph.
> 
> That being said, he needs to get to the bottom of why you found what you found. He obviously knows right now you trust level is not the highest, but given that he has passed the test the embarrassment factor should be going away.


I'm not 100% clear on what you're suggesting I do, but I am very relieved that he has not acted on this fixation, and I think I've probably discovered the majority of what has transpired. I would not have stayed in the marriage if he had cheated on me within the first 5 months of marriage, but since that does not appear to be the case, I am willing to work on his addiction with him and support him through this. 

There is still a lot of pain stemming from the lies and from still feeling betrayed by him driving to massage parlors, looking up escorts, etc. I'll be going to individual counseling as well, as this situation has driven me to feel very depressed and inadequate.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to be prepared to ACCEPT the results.












When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to accept that polygraphs are not reliable. Nervous but innocent test takers can and do fail, guilty sociopath types can skate right through and shine like a star. You cannot and must not rely on the answers provided by the test.

Polygraphs are sometimes good for "parking lot confessions" by a guilty party who is hesitant to take the test, thinking they'll fail it.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to accept that polygraphs are not reliable.*

To answer the poster. That is your opinion which you are entitled to.

The fact is some of the largest corporations in the world pay consultants millions of dollars who implement and recommend polygraph tests as do some of the most sophisticated government agencies in hiring and security. So your opinion is your opinion, and nothing more. And please dont give me the court of law crap. She is not in a court of law.

The OP did the polygraph test, he did not balk at taking it, and he passed it. She made the decision to do it and and because you do not think they are reliable she should just ignore it. 

OP, your husband did not give you a parking lot confession. He marched right down there and took the test. The chances are overwhelming he was telling the truth for what was asked.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> I told him someone suggested that he does a polygraph. He was very open to the idea, and even drove an hour and a half to take it, as well as paying for it. The results showed that he's telling the truth that he's never been in a massage parlor, and has never had any physical/sexual contact with anyone aside from me since we started dating.
> 
> As for disclosing what I know, you're completely right. The only thing I can say is that I was in kind of a daze when I talked to him about it, and I wasn't trying to act strategically. I was just very upset.
> 
> Thanks for your advice and your comment!


If I were you I would call the examiner and speak to him. Just to be sure. 

I would also wait a few years before I have kids, if you are thinking of doing that. Make sure he gets help, really does the work and is truly in recovery.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> To answer the poster. That is your opinion which you are entitled to.


It's not an opinion, it's fact. 



straightshooter said:


> The fact is some of the largest corporations in the world pay consultants millions of dollars who implement and recommend polygraph tests as do some of the most sophisticated government agencies in hiring and security.


Corporations waste a lot of money on foolish things. The Federal government buys dousing rods to check for underground water and law enforcement agencies utilize the services of psychics. The military has purchased multimillion dollar aircraft that will never fly. 



straightshooter said:


> She made the decision to do it and and because you do not think they are reliable she should just ignore it.


You are incorrectly paraphrasing me. I did not say the results should be ignored, I said they are not always reliable and should be taken as such. It would be a shame to end a marriage over an errant test result, wouldn't it? Yes, that's my opinion. 



straightshooter said:


> OP, your husband did not give you a parking lot confession. He marched right down there and took the test. The chances are overwhelming he was telling the truth for what was asked.


On this last part, and only this last part, we agree. But that is of course, the whole point of my initial post which you disputed- you are saying exactly what I did- the odds are he's being honest, although you can never know for sure.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The fact that in the first 6 months of marriage, what's really been on his mind the most is other women-- escort services and "massage parlors" speaks volumes.
Regardless of whether he actually went through with it, he's got a huge problem. I can't believe he passed the test with this much craziness taking place. 

You can bet that he will be much better at hiding this behavior if he does it again, and my opinion is that it will rear it's nasty head in the future.

Let's face it, he needs more than his wife can give, and that's his problem, not hers. 

I wouldn't have kids with the guy for a long time. He just can't be trusted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He got a polygraph already?? Really? Were you there?


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Mclane said:


> When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to accept that polygraphs are not reliable. Nervous but innocent test takers can and do fail, guilty sociopath types can skate right through and shine like a star. You cannot and must not rely on the answers provided by the test.
> 
> Polygraphs are sometimes good for "parking lot confessions" by a guilty party who is hesitant to take the test, thinking they'll fail it.


You're right, though, I think he was very nervous he would accidentally fail because of his nerves, but he was more than willing - happy, even - to take it, and to show me that he hadn't escalated things to physical contact (yet). I really do believe him. And if I'm being foolish, so be it. The truth will come out eventually. He still has a lot of work to do to curb this fixation.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> *When you have someone take a polygraph, you need to accept that polygraphs are not reliable.*
> 
> To answer the poster. That is your opinion which you are entitled to.
> 
> ...


I agree, I think that in this case, he is telling the truth.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> The fact that in the first 6 months of marriage, what's really been on his mind the most is other women-- escort services and "massage parlors" speaks volumes.
> Regardless of whether he actually went through with it, he's got a huge problem. I can't believe he passed the test with this much craziness taking place.
> 
> You can bet that he will be much better at hiding this behavior if he does it again, and my opinion is that it will rear it's nasty head in the future.
> ...


I half expected him to fail, as well, unfortunately. I am really not sure how to figure out if he relapses since he will cover his tracks next time, if there is a next time. 

I wasn't planning on having kids in the next few years anyway - so no problem there. 

Thanks for your comment.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> He got a polygraph already?? Really? Were you there?


Yes, he did - though I wasn't there. I did talk to the company and had them email me the results directly.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I sure hope he isn't pulling a fast one on you here.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> I sure hope he isn't pulling a fast one on you here.


I'm not sure how he could have done that when I found the company, and talked to them? I may be missing something, sorry.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Swiss Girl
> 
> Congrats on the results of the poly. I'm dubious about them, myself; but, hey, it's something.
> 
> ...


It does seem a little too good to be true, but him being completely fine with taking a polygraph speaks more to me about his truthfulness than the results themselves, if that makes sense. He has also researched treatment options and has reached out to several companies with (advertised) high success rates. He's checking out books at the library, and has scheduled individual and couples counseling sessions. He blocked any sites related to porn/sex/half naked women/fully naked women and deleted any apps on his phone that show pictures of hot women/girls. I just hope that once he's comfortable again, he won't go back to his old ways. 

I'm not sure if I ever want to have a baby! But I will be paying off my student loans and focusing on getting myself in a better mental state. 

Thank you again for your help and advice... I really do appreciate it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK well if you contacted them first, then I am less skeptical 

Have you asked him about seeing a CSAT


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> OK well if you contacted them first, then I am less skeptical
> 
> Have you asked him about seeing a CSAT


 

I am assuming that a CSAT is a sex addiction therapist? He is seeing one next week and we will be continuing marriage therapy as well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SwissGirl2016 said:


> I am assuming that a CSAT is a sex addiction therapist? He is seeing one next week and we will be continuing marriage therapy as well.


Yes, a CSAT is a certified sex addiction therapist - I posted a link earlier about how to find one. I cannot stress enough how important this is - that they actually be certified. Most regular therapists will do far more harm than good if they don't deal specifically with sex addiction, because it isn't like other addictions such as to alcohol.


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## SwissGirl2016 (Jul 13, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes, a CSAT is a certified sex addiction therapist - I posted a link earlier about how to find one. I cannot stress enough how important this is - that they actually be certified. Most regular therapists will do far more harm than good if they don't deal specifically with sex addiction, because it isn't like other addictions such as to alcohol.


Thank you SO much for all of your guidance.


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