# Don't know what to think, what to do, or how to talk to him



## MorningGlory (Dec 26, 2011)

We have been together less than a year, and we are both in our 50's. We are living together. We have both been alone for a long time. He has had no relationships in over 10 years, and had only recently decided to date before we met. I have dated off and on, and never met any one who lasted, or that I was interested in. But after a few dates we both knew this was it. I have never met a man like him before. I can't even begin to express all the good in this man. Kind, decent, generous, patient, understanding, honest, non judgemental, gentle. He inspires me to be a better person. I am crazy about him, and the attraction to him is incredible. 
He told me he had ED at the very first. And he cannot achieve any erection at all. I didn't know alot about it and had to research it. The causes for him are many I think. Type 2 diabeties, he was a heavy drinker, has nearopothy, disc problems and of course age. He also had a vasectomy in his early 40's and thinks some thing went wrong with that, because that's when the ED started.
But even with that he had a desire for me. I could see it in his eyes, his body language and we spent hours in bed. He really put an effort into pleasing me. I think he was hopeful that seeing a specialist, getting on testosterone, penile injections, etc that the problem could be fixed. But we've seen 2 specialist, many test, all the above and nothing works. The last specialist said there is nothing that can be done except a penile pump implant, that is $17,000 dollars, the insurance won't pay for it. The risk are huge, and he doesn't really want it. So we've still been reasearching treatments. 
I don't mind the lack of erection. It takes a lot of time but I can give him an orgasm. Sure I would like to be able to have intercourse, and that connection and type of sex. But for me it's him, it's the intamacey of being together. And I have told him that many many times, and try to show him he's the one and only. I know he appreciates and values that, and I know he loves me very much. But for him, being male he struggles with the pride, and gets lost in focusing on the erection. His interest in sex has wavered, and the interest in being with me, pleasing me, has really gone down hill. It's been back and forth for months. I get frustrated we argue, the passion comes back some and then goes down hill again. He talks flirts and insuates desire weekly, but most times that's all it is. I don't push or put pressure on him. I try to be understanding, involved, and go with the flow, while trying to excit him, sexy garmets, date nights, telling him and showing him I want him. 
What I'm seeing now is there is no spark in his eyes. At all. I know he loves me deeply. But I think he would be comfortable just living life as it is together, with the comfort of each other the flirting every now and then, affection, but no real sex. 
I'm starting to wonder many things, like....maybe sex was never that big a deal to him for the most part. Even back when he could get an erection. I don't really believe it, but I've also wondered if he's secretly attracted to men, but his up bringing and taboos don't let him admit that even to himself. I'm just trying to figure it out and my mind goes over every aspect looking for an answer. And even though I know he loves me, I get insecure and feel pathetic. 
After failed date nights and times of trying, this past week I realized that I haven't seen that spark in his eyes. The affection is there, the closeness, in all ways and times...except when we go out as a couple. Then it's like we are together, but not. Especially around other couples we know. He's affectionate around his family, my family, but not when we are out or with other couples. It's confusing to say the least. The other issue is marriage. Months ago he said he didn't want to ever marry again. And questioned me on why a life together and a commitment to that wasn't enough. I told him because I use to think like him, but getting older and realizing that I want to belong with some one in a marriage for the right reasons. I was married 13 years to the father of my girls, and I have been single even through one 8 year relationship. I feel I am too old to be saying "my boyfriend". Now I know every body has different opinions on that. I'm just saying how I feel, and what I want now. 
Any way, shortly after that conversation, his best friend was getting married, and he said he did want us to get married some day. Ok I was thrilled. Towards Christmas he casually took me into some jewelry stores, and casually browsed rings. Asking me what I liked. He talked about a promise ring. And when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him the promise ring, even showed him some more affordable ones, when he brought home a magazine from Kayes and wanted to look through it. He made hints of it, and then teased me about getting me a deep fryer instead. I was on pins wondering if he would get the ring. 
And then the realization of the lack of passion in him through the months, and me trying, was wearing me down, and hurting me. So on Christmas Eve I brought it up saying " I don't know what to do about us" I told him " I don't know how to bring back the passion and excitment" and he immediatley got defensive, and asked me if I was seeing some one. Said he had tried, that we were just mis connecting. Which to me is bs. I tried to give him some recent examples, how I was seeing it and cried because it hurts. It's lonely and depressing, and it makes me insecure and I feel pathetic. We talked, argued, tried to talk again and it just got worse. He brought the ring out in a wrapped box and told me he got it not just because I wanted it, but he wanted me. All I kept thinking is I pushed him into it, and I explained that. Every conversation ended in argument, we stayed away from each other both feeling bad. But he ended every conversation in "If I'm not making you happy, then you deserve more." He always says talk to him about my feelings before it esculates but when I do...he feels attacked, no matter how I put it. We were going to go to counseling months back, but found the insurance would not pay for it, because we are not married. 
In the big picture, we are happy together 95% of the time. That's pretty good average. And we have gotten through some issues after an argument over it, and adapted and compromised. But this one keeps showing up in different ways. Christmas was horrible, my kids were over, and we opened gifts, my kids love him and me. He made an effort to be involved for awhile and then went into the office. We both felt horrible, and I would try to connect with him, and not make him feel isolated, but then we would talk again, which only led to argueing again. And when I say we "argue" that is not knock down screaming or any thing, It's always civil. We just can't find a way to connect now. Pride, hurt, confusion. And I feel he's not being honest about what I'm trying to express about it all. And I know I'm just trying to see that spark in him, some thing any thing, just let me know. I see the tears in his eyes, I know it's hurting him.....but he would let me go, and that hurts more. So I ended up saying I'll leave and make it easy on each other. Which made him mad and hurt, and now wer'e both stuck in our pride, each feeling rejected, with the stubborness and hurt. I hate it. I don't want to leave him. He doesn't want me to leave, but he won't meet me half way in an honest conversation about it. 
And I don't know how to talk to him, what to do. And I think about what I can live with. I mean if I could just see the spark in his eyes even once a month and have that kind of intamacey once a month....I could be happpy with that. For me it isn't just about the sex, it's about the spark, the intamacey. Knowing he wants me as much as I want him, that reassurance. Knowing we are together for the right reasons. Both of us in it together. 
And I don't know if I could really be happy with out that much even once a month. I mean not like a scheduled clock or any thing...ok so we go 6 weeks with affection, living life and then the sparks there, then we go 4 weeks, and so on. Just so it is there. I just don't know what to do, and my heart is breaking.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Actually it sounds like a pretty good relationship to me.

Seems y`all are just having the intimacy/sex problem due more to how he`s handling his ED than the ED itself.

It`s hard for a man to lose that, it messes with our heads real bad.

He may be seeing your dissatisfaction as a direct result of his inability to have intercourse.
That would kill me and even if that isn`t the reason he`s probably going to think it is no matter what you tell him.

I`m not a big proponent of counseling but in this situation I`d say it`s a good first step.

I know the money isn`t there but try to find some options.

Maybe someone will come along to give you some.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Yours is a very long post and from the heart. Your best and cheapest option is to get your man to come on here. Have you told him what you have written here. You are both getting older and perhaps you are a bit too quick for him. He has a serious sex problem and I dont think you are going the right way about it. You have to let him have more of the initiative. You talk about the 'spark' as though you expect it all the time. It just doesnt work that way. I think you need more time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you thought about going to a sex therapist. There are many ways to enjoy each other. It sounds like he's struggling with the impact of his ED. A sex therapist might have some ideas and thoughts that might help both of you see things in a much happier light.


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