# Need some advise from the ladies....from a caring, but sometimes insensitive husband



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Hi ladies....as a longtime TAM member, I am hoping for some advise and insight. I know I am taking my chances posting in the ladies lounge, but my hopes are really to get input from from primarily women. 

My wife has used a vibrator for nearly 99% of all sexual experiences for many, many years (partnered and solo sex). Long, long story on why this came about, but bottom line is that she feels she cannot reach orgasm without a vibrator. I have ZERO ISSUE with this. Does not bother me in the least, but it DOES bother her. Every few weeks she mentions that it bothers her and she somehow feels "less of a person" because of it. She has indicated that she sometimes even foregoes sex since she feels that it will have to end with a toy.
In all the years, I have not really thought much about it. I have always heard it was not all that uncommon and it just seemed like a part of who she was. She has shared she feels "dependent" on it, and that does not leave her feeling great about herself.

Now for my questions.....

Being the not so sensitive husband in the moment, when she brings this up I often tried to suggest a solution....a "fix". Not because the vibrator was any issue for me, but because she presented a "problem" to me, and my natural next step was to offer a possible solution. In reality, she did not want me to try to fix it, she just wanted to be heard and empathy about how it made her feel. Fair ask on her part...I should have just listened.

This subject keeps coming up,. she is disappointed in herself, I know just tell her I understand how it makes her feel bad (I no longer offer any advise), but it just keeps coming up every few weeks. She seems very disappointed, but obviously does not want me to offer or suggest anything, nor does she seem to take on anything herself about it.

Do I just do nothing? Is this one of those things I just hear her out when it comes up, tell her I am sorry she feels bad, and leave it alone? It is negatively impacting our sex life, and my gut reaction is always to ask her to talk about options, but I bite my tongue each time (after my previous mistake of trying to fix it).

Am I wrong in my assumption that this is not all that uncommon? Without trying to "fix" anything, can I reassure her it is not that big of a deal and she does not need to be down about herself over it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your real problem is that she has only been able to get off to thoughts of women (assuming that’s still the case). Maybe she connects toys to that. She doesn’t really want a solution, IMO, she just wants to ease her conscience by telling you. So, yes, you just do nothing.

(Speaking as a woman.)


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Your real problem is that she has only been able to get off to thoughts of women (assuming that’s still the case). Maybe she connects toys to that. She doesn’t really want a solution, IMO, she just wants to ease her conscience by telling you. So, yes, you just do nothing.
> 
> (Speaking as a woman.)


I am not sure I get the connection. You are right, she often does fantasize about being with a women, but she could do that regardless of toys or any other sexual act. I am not sure I see them being related....but maybe they are. 

Either way, I will take your feedback


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I am not sure I get the connection. You are right, she often does fantasize about being with a women, but she could do that regardless of toys or any other sexual act. I am not sure I see them being related....but maybe they are.
> 
> Either way, I will take your feedback


I seem to remember from your past posts that it’s 100% of the time that she fantasizes about women and my guess is that the toys are a connection to that fantasy. Whatever is going on with her, she doesn’t want you to fix it — she just wants you to know.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I seem to remember from your past posts that it’s 100% of the time that she fantasizes about women and my guess is that the toys are a connection to that fantasy. Whatever is going on with her, she doesn’t want you to fix it — she just wants you to know.


I agree. I remember your past thread. I think I recall that she doesn't want to even think about you, you kind of have to fade into the background, and then she fantasizes about women.

Seems to me that's the real issue. Too bad you didn't just continue your old thread for context. Sometimes, context matters a whole lot. In this case it sure does.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I agree. I remember your past thread. I think I recall that she doesn't want to even think about you, you kind of have to fade into the background, and then she fantasizes about women.
> 
> Seems to me that's the real issue. Too bad you didn't just continue your old thread for context. Sometimes, context matters a whole lot. In this case it sure does.


Totally.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

To answer from personal experience, toys for me/us would be an occasional accompaniment - not relied upon. So that out of the way, WHY does she feel ‘less than whole’ as a result? Upon just reading your opening post, I thought that it comes across like what is occurring is not reflective of who she is/wants to be; in other words, seems there’s a disconnect for her. Then I read the posts that follow and can’t help but join dots (whether this is accurate or not to do so, however, I’m human with a keyboard) and wonder if that ‘disconnect’ she’s experiencing goes deeper.

I also wondered why the reliance on the toy, yet it doesn’t seem you want that to be the focus. As for your question what to do (ie offering solutions or just listen), I’m prone to being a solver myself and have been learning other ways to this, and I’m accustomed to my husband being a solver too (him more so than me), however, a suggestion based on my personality would be wanting to understand the ‘why’ and then ask what she wants/needs to do differently. Unless you have already. If she’s then not doing anything differently, or expressing what else she needs, then it’s kinda just complaining.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And context for you from the dynamic I’m used to, complaining and without taking action is not really something that flies in the bat-cave. Just so you know, I may have a slightly different view than to just listen / or reassure, especially when repetitive.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> WHY does she feel ‘less than whole’ as a result?


This might be a good strategy - ask her questions the next time. Open a discussion asking her, “Tell me more about what specifically you feel bad about”; “Have you ever thought about why you feel bad?” (PERHAPS adding “especially since statistically most women cannot O from PIV alone”). Keep asking questions to get her to talk while resisting all urges to ”fix”, at least unless / until she asks for help with solutions.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Ask her if you can do anything to help her accept it and feel okay about it. 

I think her needing to fantasize about women instead of being present with you may be the bigger issue though.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Wait, is this correct - that your wife usually or always fantasizes about other people (specifically women) during sex, and is never actually connected in the moment with YOU?
And you’re worried about her feelings about her vibrator dependence?

The fact that your wife isn’t consciously and intimately connected with YOU during sex is a serious issue. Way more consequential to your marriage than her vibrator insecurity. What are you doing to address this?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since she keeps bringing it up, I would simply ask her why she keeps telling you. Does she think you've forgotten? It seems she is looking for some kind of assurance to assuage her conscience or assurance that she really is an oversexed dynamo (or, any one of a long list of excuses for annoying chatter) when you don't even care she uses the thing - that's nutty. 

Point blank ask her "why do you keep telling me this? what is it you really want to tell me?".


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

BOB is my best friend. Without BOB my girlfriend would take much longer to orgasm if at all, and to me, a good 10-15 minute run is more than enough for me, and I always wait until she orgasms or tells me to "go ahead". Without BOB it's not nearly as pleasurable experience for both of us. I was a bit slow to accept BOB in our bed but over the years not only did I get used to it but I miss BOB when we're on vacations or otherwise away and BOB isn't with us.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Is she subtly proposing that you bring another woman into your relationship?


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Point blank ask her "why do you keep telling me this? what is it you really want to tell me?".


Yes, this, especially the last part.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your input. I realized after reading the responses, I probably need to clarify a couple items and add some additional insight.

1. My wife's lesbian fantasies have actually been discussed in great detail between her and I, since my post a few months back. The explanation was actually a lot less negative than I had portrayed in early post. My wife explained, that as the lower desire/drive partner between us, there are times she engages in sex and fees distracted (about her day, something she needs to get done, whatever), and being distracted can make it hard to have fulfillment sexually. She said during those times, she sometimes will picture something "naughty" in her mind to help take her over the edge. For her, that naughty/novelty is almost exclusively lesbian fantasies. She is very open with me about it, so I dont feel its anything she is hiding or not willing to talk about. She did not tell me much about this in the past, but has been much more open in recent times. After some research, it seems many people fantasize about others during sex with their partner. I dont happen to do this myself, but a quick google search can show it is very common. Now....some of you will say if she is having thoughts about sex with other women that itself is an issue in the marriage. I am kind of mixed feels on that. Again, with some easy research, heterosexual women rate lesbian fantasies in the top 10 in many surveys. Not ever number 1, but almost always in the top ten. So....a ton of straight women get off on lesbian fantasy. Same goes with porn watching habits of women...then see to have lesbian in one of the top categories of porn they enjoy. 

2. My wife started using a vibrator many years ago after finding it hard to reach orgasm through other methods. In reality, it was not that is was hard to have an orgasm, but it took her longer than she wanted. She is not the kind of person who wants sex to last an hour, so knowing it could take a while to orgasm "manually", she became used to a vibrator that could bring orgasm quickly. Then it became something used every time, and now she feels that she cannot have an orgasm without it. In her mind, it would take hours to reach climax without a vibrator (I dont buy this, but that is her opinion). With this said, she does not like feeling dependent on it. She feels it is a crutch. For her, she does not feel as close or connected when a toy has to be involved (also part of shat drives her to fantasize during sex).

3.She would much prefer to have "toy free" sex that included an orgasm, but she also does not have the patients or interest to have hours long sex to get this. 

4. From my vantage point, my wife is a very low libido person, and sex is not easy for her. She gets easily distracted and can have a hard time reaching orgasm, so she learned to compensate by drawing on explicit thoughts and using toys, but then feels bad about herself because of it.


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