# Lesbian Marriage in Shambles but I still Believe!



## January10

I'm in a same-sex marriage with a 42 yr old woman (I'm going to be 34 soon) who has emotionally separated from me and doesn't have any hope that we can repair our relationship. In fact, I'm highly suspicious that she's having a long distance affair with a HS friend she recently (and randomly) reconnected with. She's sneaky now...taking her phone with her into the bathroom, putting it on vibrate, spending hours on FB in the early morning hours. I've asked her about it and she has denied it but I don't believe her. I think the stress and tension we were dealing with before this woman came into the picture is now being magnified by the two of them and as a result, my wife has given up on me.

We both know we have a serious communication issue. we have built up so many walls and defenses over our one yr marriage that we can barely believe the other does anything genuinely. We haven't seen the best in each other and it hurts so badly that every loving thing I do is taken for granted and/or seen as a fluke. I'm sure she feels the same and that hurts, too, because I feel like I've never gotten a fair chance from her to show her that I'm fully committed and in love. 
Add to this that she is completely age-obsessed and is probably going thru a mid life crisis. 

I want to save my marriage. I want my wife start believing in us again. Up until now we've had no abuse/addiction/infidelity issues. It's just us needing to stop seeing each other as the enemy. Help!


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## soulpotato

Sounds familiar.  Things got really bad between me and my partner last year, and we had major communication problems. Similar issues to what you describe. We separated last year, but are back together now. (I was the one who cheated.) Therapy and lots of reading have helped us find our way back to each other, but there are still problems that we need a therapist to help us with. I would say get her to MC with you if you can. I think that's the best hope for things getting better. Her emotional affair will definitely need to be killed before you can begin any repair work, however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore

mmmm, difficult because I don't understand the roles in a gay marriage, but at least let me help advice you in the points I can.

about your suspicions, damn right it sounds like an affair or at least begining of one.

you should confirm it, you should install a key logger in the computer to have acces to her mail, FB and skype accounts, you can also put VAR in her car, and places where you suspect she is having these phone conversations with this OW.

If she is already emotionally invested with some one else it will be difficult for you to have any kind of approach to her.

so the fist step before doing anything else is find if she has Emotional Affair with someone else.

now to be honest with you, a one year marriage and with these problems already when you are supossed to be in the honey moon period, has she ever cheated before?

how long have you been together?


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## soulpotato

Gay relationship or straight, it doesn't matter. They pretty much work the same way and have many of the same problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

January10 said:


> In fact, I'm highly suspicious that she's having a long distance affair with a HS friend she recently (and randomly) reconnected with. *She's sneaky now...taking her phone with her into the bathroom, putting it on vibrate, *spending hours on FB in the early morning hours.


I can almost guarantee she is up to no good/cheating. People who take their phones to the bathroom with them and hiding it have...well, something to hide.

Your communication may suck but this no DOUBT is having a bad impact on your marriage.

My bet is that something is going on between them.

Call her out on it or if you can access her phone, even better.

Has the age difference ever been a problem or no?

You need to have to have a frank talk with her.


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## manticore

soulpotato said:


> Gay relationship or straight, it doesn't matter. They pretty much work the same way and have many of the same problems.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sorry to disagree, but the roles of woman and man are very different, is know that the men see the marriage as an investment that is why when a man is betrayed the first thing he said is about the years together how much he has done and work for her happiness, while women focus in the emotional investment they are engaging with their partners, this I learned it after I began to read alot of books and analyze situations and reactions of Wss and Bss.

so my doubt here is with persons of the same sex how this roles apply, for example STAH dad I guess is very different perspective in a gay marriage that in a straigh marriage, I am not discriminating her for sexual preferences but we can not delude ourselves thinking that intereactions are the same, is like talking about marriage with someone from a different culture where having many women is acceptable, you can not apply the same rules and knowladge than in a western marriage.


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## Jellybeans

manticore said:


> so my doubt here is with persons of the same sex how this roles apply, for example STAH dad I guess is very different perspective in a gay marriage that in a straigh marraige, I am not discaminating her for sexual preferences but we can not delude ourselves thinking that intereactions are the same, is like talking about marriage with someone from a difficulkt culture where having many women is acceptable, you can not apply the same rules and knowladge than in a western marriage.



Please tell me you are kidding. FOR REAL?! Just because she is gay doesn't mean she can't have the same marital issues anyone else faces. The fact is she is in a bad place in her marriage, facing a possible cheating scenario/betrayal. A little empathy wouldn't hurt. 

To suggest the fact that she couldn't possibly be dealing with the same hurts as anyone elsegay/straight/transgendered/whatever) is really really cruel, narrow-minded and backwards.

Sorry for that, January. Most people on TAM do NOT think this way and I hope you don't leave because of a comment like that.


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## manticore

My god, now I am a jerk discriminating b*astard, well, I am for real jelly beans and I never suggested she can not be dealing with the same hurts, what I wrote and please read my first post, is that reagarding her realtionship I don't feel I have the knowladge to advice her how to approach the situation, if me thinking like this offends you, well learn to live with it.

*what piss me the most is people changing the subjects, if you have time to bash me, then have time to adivice her*, I just approached the points I felt I could handle to help her.

January, I am sorry about your situation, before leaving let me tell you what I know, if she is having an affair you will not be able to patch your realtionship until it dies, she will have to go NC (no contact) with this person, MC is always a good option.

there many good people here in the path of reconcilation that hang out in this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

they can give you good advices, but you have to be aware that reoncilation is just possible if both parts are wishing for it.

Finally, January I wish you the best but always remember you are a valuable human being also and at some point you have to see what is best for you focusing in saving the relationship or focusing in your own personal welfare and I will not return here, Jelly you or anyone who is more focused in arguing about people's beliefs than helping the OP can stop worrying, I will not change the subeject of this thread bye


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## January10

Thank you all for the responses. I've been absolutely consumed with this drama and I need all the support/encouragement I can get. 
To answer a few questions: 
Yes, we are legally married. We live in NYC where it's been legal for a while.
We met in April 2011 and neither of us had any doubt that we'd end up together. She proposed on top of the Empire State Building on my birthday in January in 2012 and by August we were married. Ugh, just talking about it makes me sad because of where we are now. 
Yes, she has cheated in previous relationships, but not with me. And I have cheated in previous ones, but haven't even considered it with her. Up until this "HS friend" came into the picture, we were totally transparent with each other. If we were together and a text came in, we'd immediately say who it was. Not out of distrust, but because we just wanted to make sure the other would never have a reason to be suspicious. I have her FB and email passwords. And yes, I have been checking them frequently the past week but she deleted the messages from this woman before I got up the nerve to check. 
I know they had to have communicated that way initially because they hadn't had each other's phone numbers prior to the HS friend locating her on FB and saying she was coming into town to visit family. So I never got to see any FB messages from her or to her since the met when she was in town. 
So they went out. She said they just caught up on old times, etc. Had a few drinks in the lobby of friend's hotel. REALLY?! There are a million bars in NYC and you pick her hotel? 
Then she takes her to the airport...without telling me. Why couldn't she take a cab? Why couldn't her family take her? Why did you call out of work to drive all the way from Brooklyn, to Manhattan, to Queens for this woman you haven't ever mentioned before all of this? 
I met my wife's close HS friends. None of them are mutual friends with this woman. In fact, they outright don't like her. 
I can't ever get to her phone now and I have considered putting a program on it to check the texts, but I don't know when I'd ever get a hold of it. 
I think the LD relationship is a side-effect of the way we have mismanaged our communication over the past year. For me at least, I tried so hard to prove myself, partly because I was scared any argument would be cause for her to leave (while we were dating she threatened to leave multiple times if we had conflict. She's a runner, emotionally, and would rather leave than deal) So that left me with defenses up, for sure. I guess she sensed that so she had her defenses up, too. I know she was terrified to be hurt and adopted a "get them before they get you" mentality. 
Some of this stems from her job (corrections officer) because she has to constantly be on guard for the worst to happen and it's generally a distrusting environment. Also from childhood...she has abandonment issues that she is in denial about. 
We have seen a therapist, once a few weeks ago. We have plans to see her again next week. 
She was planning to move out, but told me a few days ago she was going to stay for the rest of our lease because she didn't feel comfortable leaving me to pay the entire rent alone, even though I can handle it with no problems. This both saddens and uplifts me because one the one hand, I'm scared to live with her while she appears to be moving on. It's just too hard. But it does make me think she cares, maybe a little. I don't know. 
I want her back, though. I can get past the emotional affair if she stopped communication with the woman. But I want her to let go of these mistakes we made and start seeing how much we love each other. How do I get her focus back on us and not this new distraction?


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## manticore

Hi january

I know I said I will not post again here, but I will just ignore any unhealthy comment.

for what I read, you married a really difficult person, I see you commitment in the relationship but unfortunatly there are times when the result don't depend on us. 



January10 said:


> She's a runner, emotionally, and would rather leave than deal) So that left me with defenses up, for sure. I guess she sensed that so she had her defenses up, too. I know she was terrified to be hurt and adopted a "get them before they get you" mentality.



I was like this also, I never cheated, but I had no problem leaving realtionships and never looking back, it took me years of IC to change this behaviour.

As long as she remains like this she wil never be able to have a realtionship that fullfils her completely.

At the begining of any relationship the chemicals in our brains (dopamine) helps us to avoid or ignore problems and differences with our partners, but after few years (or months) when the realtionship stabilizes we have to learn how to deal with such differences to have sucessful and fullfiling relantionship. 

About the "friend"



January10 said:


> I know they had to have communicated that way initially because they hadn't had each other's phone numbers prior to the HS friend locating her on FB and saying she was coming into town to visit family.
> 
> So they went out. She said they just caught up on old times, etc. Had a few drinks in the lobby of friend's hotel. REALLY?! There are a million bars in NYC and you pick her hotel?
> Then she takes her to the airport...without telling me. Why couldn't she take a cab? Why couldn't her family take her? Why did you call out of work to drive all the way from Brooklyn, to Manhattan, to Queens for this woman you haven't ever mentioned before all of this?
> I met my wife's close HS friends. None of them are mutual friends with this woman. In fact, they outright don't like her.


this sounds like she was an old flame or some kind of FWB relationship in the past, and she was fishing her, looking for soemthing casual while being there.

To be 100% honest with you it seems that it already went physical and she is in the affair fog already.



January10 said:


> She was planning to move out, but told me a few days ago she was going to stay for the rest of our lease because she didn't feel comfortable leaving me to pay the entire rent alone, even though I can handle it with no problems. This both saddens and uplifts me because one the one hand, I'm scared to live with her while she appears to be moving on. It's just too hard. But it does make me think she cares, maybe a little. I don't know.
> I want her back, though. I can get past the emotional affair if she stopped communication with the woman. But I want her to let go of these mistakes we made and start seeing how much we love each other. How do I get her focus back on us and not this new distraction?


At this point it seems that your best option is apply the 180 guide to detach from her, many times the indiference of the BS helps the WS to start awakening from the affair fog.

Beging, pleding, crying to her at this point will be usseles, WS take this as the rants of a needy person.

your wife needs to realize that runing from problems will ruin any posiblity of a heart filling relationship, unfortunatly even if you tell her this I doubt she will listen to you, she have to realice it on her own, why she is at 42 jumping from relationship to relationship.


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## January10

Manticore: 

Thank you for telling me what I didn't want to hear/admit- that the physical part prob already happened. I guess hearing it from someone else that this whole thing sounds really bad and isn't just me going crazy or reading too much into it helps. Especially since I don't have hardcore proof at this point. 
I have read about the 180 in the past couple days and it freaks me out, to be honest. I mean, it sounds good in theory, but to detach myself will only feed her abandonment issues and push her closer to this woman. Or not???
I don't want to be weak, and I want to maintain composure around her. I want to go on with my life, but I don't want her to think I've given up.
Just now she and I were texting and I flat out told her I don't feel comfortable with her communicating with the friend, especially while we're in a vulnerable place. I told her I don't trust their intentions. She thinks I'm trying to make it about other people and insists "this has nothing to do with a 3rd party". She has not responded as to whether she will stop communication. I kind of gave an ultimatum and I know those aren't the best but I'm desperate. 
Also, the "friend" is married. To a man. I don't know the true status of their marriage because my wife hasn't discussed, obviously. I don't know if he's aware of the extent my wife's and his involvement. I do know he's been in the hospital for a while (found out when I was in my wife's FB and went to OW's page). So he probably knows nothing and that's why OW has been able to excessively contact my wife. Should I contact him solely based on suspicion? I don't have proof. But I'm more concerned with my marriage and I don't care if it stirs up drama for the OW.


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## Jellybeans

You may want to post this in Coping with Infidelity.

Taking the phone in the bathroom is a BIG RED FLAG.

Manticore-if you read above, you can see where I gave advice. Not sure what you are talking about.


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## manticore

Jelly is right, many people with similar problems in their relationship hang out in the "coping with infidelity" section, you can request by PM to a moderator to change this thread to that section I am sure you will get more support and insights there.



January10 said:


> Manticore:
> Thank you for telling me what I didn't want to hear/admit- that the physical part prob already happened. I guess hearing it from someone else that this whole thing sounds really bad and isn't just me going crazy or reading too much into it helps. Especially since I don't have hardcore proof at this point...........
> 
> Also, the "friend" is married. To a man. I don't know the true status of their marriage because my wife hasn't discussed, obviously. So he probably knows nothing and that's why OW has been able to excessively contact my wife. Should I contact him solely based on suspicion? I don't have proof. But I'm more concerned with my marriage and I don't care if it stirs up drama for the OW.


See, one of the techniques that have been proved more effectives to kill affairs is full exposure, this kills the fantasy of the secret romance.

(please note that I am not triying to be offensive, and I hope I don't sound like a ignorant red neck but this is how I see scenarios). In your case is a little complicated because the husband may think you are just jealous and paranoic and his wife can manipulate him thinking that she had never engaged a gay relationship and your wife is just a friend and you are being a controlling Jealous partner.

In straigh relationships is easier because even if there is no hard evidence, the simple fact that two spouses of opposite sex are communicating, texting phoning that much is considered innapropiate so I adivice you the following.

you wrote that you know her HS friends, I advice you to ask them if it the past OW and your wife had any kind of relationship (I mean romantic or physical not just friendship) if the answer is yes, then, no doubt you have to perform full exposure.

contact the husband and explain him the whole situation, in the other hand if yours wife's friends don't confirm anything, you can still take a gamble and contact the husband with your worries, but it will depend on you, because as I told you OW can easily manipulate her husband, so it will depend in the husband personality if he believes you or discards you.

Be aware that even if exposure is sucessful, it may end the affair, but this don't mean your wife will return to you, she may even see you with anger and resentment for€ breaking her fantasy romance, but is still one of your best options to take her out of the fog.

I will address the 180 question later, I nedd to run some personal errands.


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