# If she want to go, set her free



## troy

After years of suffering a marriage with no love and affection with a wife that want to go but has not, probably because of the kids, I have come to the realization that its best to set her free if she wants to go.

I have been "clinging' for years because I could not imagine a life without her. This resulted in years of misery on both sides, and maybe even cheating - I dont know if it happened but I wont be surprized if it did.

This is the reason. If you force your wife to stay when she is emotionally gone, she will eventually get her needs met somewhere else. It may be a week, month, year, 10 years.. who knows... The point is if she is not happy at home, she will get her freak on somewhere else while still being married.

So, to avoid this extra pain, if she wants to go, and you have given an honest effort to fix the problems but failed, set her free before she brings you even worse pain. Then you can move on with your life and find some kind of joy one day before you die.

I would like to hear from those that were in a situation where your wife checked out of the marriage but you kept on clinging. How long did you hang on before you finally realized its over and time to set her free?


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## Sanity

Actually you don't own anybody to "set them free". She may be staying because of the financial stability or fear or being alone. You may also be a "plan B." 

Regardless of the reason its not fair for her to stay with you if she does not want to be with you. I recommend you have an honest conversation with her and discuss your options so your babies grow up in a healthy environment. 

Personally my W and I separated after due to her constant emotional, verbal and even physical abuse but she refuses to let me go. She says she loves me dearly but her actions just say the opposite. At times I wish she cheated on me so it would make this easier but its cowardly on my part. Eventually I will get the strength to file but our son not having his mom and dad all the time kills me inside.


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## Jellybeans

troy said:


> After years of suffering a marriage with no love and affection with a wife that want to go but has not, probably because of the kids, I have come to the realization that its best to set her free if she wants to go.
> 
> I have been "clinging' for years because I could not imagine a life without her. This resulted in years of misery on both sides, and maybe even cheating - I dont know if it happened but I wont be surprized if it did.
> 
> This is the reason. If you force your wife to stay when she is emotionally gone, she will eventually get her needs met somewhere else. It may be a week, month, year, 10 years.. who knows... The point is if she is not happy at home, she will get her freak on somewhere else while still being married.
> 
> So, to avoid this extra pain, if she wants to go, and you have given an honest effort to fix the problems but failed, set her free before she brings you even worse pain. Then you can move on with your life and find some kind of joy one day before you die.


Excellent post. If someone doesn't want to be with you, let them go. Don't cling like a vine to someone who's heart isn't there anymore. It's bad for you and bad for them. 

I think when people are in a situation like this and are married, it's more complicated than when just "dating" someone. Because marriages are supposed to be permanent relationships so a lot of times when one person wants out, the other just can't accept it and tries to fight the other one on it the whole way through, to no avail. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you, married or not.


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## Please Help Me!

Amen, Jellybeans!! :smthumbup:



Jellybeans said:


> Excellent post. If someone doesn't want to be with you, let them go. Don't cling like a vine to someone who's heart isn't there anymore. It's bad for you and bad for them.
> 
> I think when people are in a situation like this and are married, it's more complicated than when just "dating" someone. Because marriages are supposed to be permanent relationships so a lot of times when one person wants out, the other just can't accept it and tries to fight the other one on it the whole way through, to no avail. You can't make someone love you or want to be with you, married or not.


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## the guy

My marrage was like this for the last 13 years out of the twenty years we've been married. And yes my wife cheated *alot*. She stayed b/c I did want a divorce. She asked me twice, once 13 years ago and then again 3 years ago. I refussed a divorce both times.

There was a difference I distance my self from her the 1st seven and then she bailed (emotionaly) after my need to advance my career. We stayed togther and had great vacations and even had some sex, she did her thing and I did mine for the most part.

Basicly we both checked out and it went on for years (13 years and 20 OM's). I never cheated but we both broke our vows in one way or another. I can't explain why we stayed married to each other but we both recommited to the marriage and renewed our vows March 26 2011. 
There were some big changes in both our behaviors and we are going on our 14th month of R and things are awsome now. 

So the situation you mentioned is simular, we bother were emotionly gone and none of us really clinged on to the marriage. The marraige just kind of roled alone until Feb 12, 2010 when I desided to change and she came along with me with my terms.


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## troy

the guy: I am really happy for you. I have a feeling things will be good in your marriage from here on out. 
I am willing to make any change needed to make this marriage work; and I have already made alot. Its more difficult to be motivated to make the big changes when the wife is not interested.

If my wife was willing to give us another shot I am sure things will be good again permanently. She is just set in her mind that its over and she is just waiting for my daughter to finish school before she makes a move. I have tried everything I could think of to break down that wall, but no success.

Now I am backing off and waiting for her to make a move. Trying things ends up in an argument, so I am afraid to say/do anyting anymore. Although, I am still willing to try something more radical if it makes sense.


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## alphaomega

Troy, I'm reposting this here again for your benefit...

Therein lies the problem. You are waiting for things to happen...hoping things will get better. Strong men don't wait for things to happen, they MAKE things happen. You can have all the happiness you need, either at home or not, if you just make it yourself. You are in charge, of your own destiny. No one else will make things better for you, no matter how long you wait.

How long are you going to back off for fear of upsetting your wife? You need to let go of this fear if you ever want to find happiness again. Be strong, and NEVER let the fear of losing anyone EVER hold you back. Not only is this fear stopping you from experiencing what you most dread, it's also stopping that which may happen that is awesome that you may never expected.

Think about it. You finally confront your wife. You've had enough. You fear the loss no more. You force a decision now! Your wife finally realizes you are a doormat no more. She gets some respect for you. She is forced to look inwards, at what she may be losing. She decides, yes, maybe this is worth working on.

How will you know if you are too scared to try? You won't. And you know what? Either way the ball rolls, you will have ended up happier regardless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

^ Awesome post.


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## troy

alphaomega said:


> Strong men don't wait for things to happen, they MAKE things happen. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll admit I am not as strong as I should be. I finally gave her an ultimatum 2 weeks ago - work on the marraige or leave. Her answer was to wait 2 months until the kids are done with school, then she will let me know what she decides...

I accepted this not because I am a doormat -which I shamefully admit - but because I do not want to upset my kids life and school since their final exams are only a few weeks away. I think that's a good reason.

However, when the kids are done, I fully intend to make changes. If she wont leave, I would. I have decided I dont want to live like this anymore and I need to start putting myself first and work on feeling good about myself. If I continue like this much longer things will get worse, and I dont even want to think about what could happen.


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## Jellybeans

So she got what she wanted (more time) and you got what...? Limbo.

Also, why should YOU leave? She's the wayward, not you. You KNOW what you want. She is the one stringing you along until she makes a decision... It's weak (her).


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## lostaffection

Sanity said:


> Actually you don't own anybody to "set them free". She may be staying because of the financial stability or fear or being alone. You may also be a "plan B."
> 
> Regardless of the reason its not fair for her to stay with you if she does not want to be with you. I recommend you have an honest conversation with her and discuss your options so your babies grow up in a healthy environment.
> 
> Personally my W and I separated after due to her constant emotional, verbal and even physical abuse but she refuses to let me go. She says she loves me dearly but her actions just say the opposite. At times I wish she cheated on me so it would make this easier but its cowardly on my part. Eventually I will get the strength to file but our son not having his mom and dad all the time kills me inside.


This - love is not just a set of words - it is also a physical connection/expression (and i'm not just talking about the bedroom) - you cannot truely say you "love" someone if there is no intimacy/affection between you.

I didn't have the physical/verbal abuse that you did, but I think mine bordered on emotional with the lack of all of the above, and the (perhaps unrealized) feeling it was not important in a relationship.


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## Niceguy13

Troy in response to you original post three years.three years after she emotionaly checked out I stayed her doormat. Two Sundays ago after I confronted her the Weds before that about OM (yet again is NC so freaking hard to understand)she told me she wanted a divorce. I am done fooling myself though. at first I said it was all things I did wrong (and yes there were things) but it boils down to I made the marriage vulnerable. I allowed her the oppurtunity to be unfaithful. Yesterday was the first true step. No longer am I her emotional doormat. I still love her and I want to work things out but I can not cling any longer. I refuse to offer the branch of peace again. She wants a branch of peace she can come climb my F*n tree and get it herself. And you know what it feels good. Its liberating not to constantly be worrying about her happiness and what can I do to make her happy. each and every day I will move forward and some days I will slip. Right now I have accepted but I am still also in the reflection stage. She wants a divorce and wants to give up fine time to take care of me.

I know some of that may come off angry and I am not angry well I am a little but no I am just resolute and at peace. I know what needs to be done for me and my kids and I am going to stick to it.


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## troy

Things are EXTREMELY quiet at home. Now that I have stopped talking/texting/emailing also, its scary how much she is determined to stick to the silent treatment strategy. Now, instead of spending time and energy thinking about her, her happiness, saveing the marriage, trying, worrying, being depressed - I am spending that time and energy on the man in the mirror - ME. Now its my time to live my life the way I choose to.

I have been reading about manning up, how to be happy, how to move on from a failed marriage, and basically getting my mind prepared for a new life without the stbx. I'm not waiting in limbo any longer to see what she decides in 2 months. I am starting to live my life TODAY the way I choose to live it. Whenever it ends I will survive and keep on living my life my way. Something I should have done a long time ago.

What a liberating feeling. Wish me luck.


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## Jellybeans

It is liberating when you let go and accept it's over, per what the other spouse wants. 

Good for you


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## spitfire008

troy said:


> After years of suffering a marriage with no love and affection with a wife that want to go but has not, probably because of the kids, I have come to the realization that its best to set her free if she wants to go.
> 
> I have been "clinging' for years because I could not imagine a life without her. This resulted in years of misery on both sides, and maybe even cheating - I dont know if it happened but I wont be surprized if it did.
> 
> This is the reason. If you force your wife to stay when she is emotionally gone, she will eventually get her needs met somewhere else. It may be a week, month, year, 10 years.. who knows... The point is if she is not happy at home, she will get her freak on somewhere else while still being married.
> 
> So, to avoid this extra pain, if she wants to go, and you have given an honest effort to fix the problems but failed, set her free before she brings you even worse pain. Then you can move on with your life and find some kind of joy one day before you die.
> 
> I would like to hear from those that were in a situation where your wife checked out of the marriage but you kept on clinging. How long did you hang on before you finally realized its over and time to set her free?


Same here for me also,trying for 5 years now.One day doing dishes she says to me It would be ok if you saw someone else.BANG.She start going out i stayed with kids.FOund out 3 months latter she spent nite at old boyfriends place.REAL kicker she when back 2 months latter and stayed for a week.28 years and 3 kids now house is up for sale...WHy does one persons wants outweigh the needs of the family? PS we have 3 special needs kids.best ok luck


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## troy

Somewhere along the road of life we wake up one day and realize the alloted time we have is running out. And if we are not happy, we make the pursuit of happiness a priority. Unfortunately many times this results in the SO running out and sc***ing someone, then walks away from the marriage leaving a trail of emotional destruction.

All we can do is let go and move on with our own lives. Some of us do have morals and values and will not cheat on our SO; not everyone has those values.

Its great to be alive and happiness is out there for all of us if we only allow ourselves to go out and get it.

When we reach the "fork" in the road, we must decide which path to take. Continue along the path of unhappiness trying to hold on to the SO that has already checked out, or the new path without the SO which holds the promise of living life your way, by your rules, with a glimpse of happiness in the horizon; I chose the latter.


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