# Husband Says we dont have enough sex



## lovely_gerl (Apr 18, 2009)

I am 30 years old, me and my husband have been together 13 years, married 10. We have 2 boys 11 and 6. We have sex at least 4-5 times a week, sometimes 7! Times we dont have sex its because we are just really tired or we are fighting because we dont have enough enough sex as he says! 
he told me last night we dont have enough sex! im like are you serious? when i told him the amount of days in a week we have sex he says yea ok! ... what is the matter with him? if we dont have sex that night we will do it in the morning but its not enough! those are concidered quickies and doesnt count! We have been fighting terribly because of the so called not enough sex! i think allot of men wish there wives had sex like we do but he thinks we have less compared to others! the fights are getting really serious, i am becoming physically and emotionally tired! i am crying more and feeling so insecure with myself. Is it me like he says or is it him?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think its just him, or just you. Its a combination of both of you. I dont have a whole lot of advice to offer you b/c i have a lot of issues with sex in my marriage, but I used to do to my H what your H is doing to you; I used to pressure my H for more sex. that did no good at all. who wants to have sex that way?? my H said he just ended up resenting me. For me, I had to learn to chill out and back off. I realized i wasnt enjoying it either. I realized it wasnt that I wanted more sex, i wanted quality sex. i dont know what is going through your H's head, but you just have to keep talking about it and be patient. its a learning process for everyone. that's how im handling it anyway.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I think *Blanca *is spot on.

By saying quickies don't count, what your husband might be really meaning, is that he knows the pair of you are capable of scaling the heights of ecstasy, but maybe you're both failing to ignite in the bedroom like you used to. 

I too used to complain that we did not do it enough, and in the end my wife kept a log in her diary. It turned out we were doing it quite a lot! However, she was not desperately "hot" for me like she used to be when we first met, and I perceived this as a general lack of sex. But it was the quality that was lacking.

We have been together 20 years, and have now got a sex life that is better than when we started. I found two things needed to be addressed: Resentment in her due to my neglect of her early on in our marriage, and a general "good girl" attitude that had crept in.

The resentment I was able to help with by apologising when I realised my part in it. The other part, only she could deal with, but with time, it all melted away.


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## lovely_gerl (Apr 18, 2009)

Thanks for the advice and i think you might be right, i was thinking even if it was a quicky he was satisfied until tomorrow and its not about getting off, he loves being with me, he loves every part of me and quickies are fun but its not the same as to taking time with each other and having that special spark and intimacy! 
i think i get it now.. i just wish that he understands that we dont have to do it every single day and its ok to miss a day or to... isnt it?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lovely_gerl said:


> i think i get it now.. i just wish that he understands that we dont have to do it every single day and its ok to miss a day or to... isnt it?


One day I can handle, but after two, I start to get a little twitchy  

But you know, when the pair of you have worked through all your baggage, - or better still just dropped it - you will want it more and more. Don't listen to anyone who tells you the passion goes after the first five years. It often does, but with love and skill it can come back even stronger than before.


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## lovely_gerl (Apr 18, 2009)

of course after 1 day things can get tense but the thing is sometimes its his fault because he comes home from work in a bad mood.. so of course im not going to want to do anything and then he's mad the 2nd day cause we didnt do it the night before! We have allot of love toward each other but sometimes i wish he could see things on my end to! He is very moody!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

lovely_gerl said:


> sometimes its his fault because he comes home from work in a bad mood..


One tip I picked up somewhere was to realise that the first 5-10 minutes when a spouse comes in the door after having been out are crucial. Always welcome him with a smile and a hug - it sets the mood for the rest of the evening. If he is grumpy, see if you can hug and smile him out off it. This is one of the simplest and best tips I ever picked up.


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## lovely_gerl (Apr 18, 2009)

I do that Every Single day~~!!!!!!!! But he is the 1 that pushes me away! 
Trust me, i hate drama, i dont like fighting i am the type of person that if he didnt start the fighting we would never fight !!!!!!!!!!
I can tell you that much! he even has admited to me that he is an a_s...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Maybe you should take about two weeks or a month and give him all the sex he wants whenever he wants, quality or not quality just satiate him in non-stop sex, sex, sex, sex, until he gets it out of his system. Then after that it will be about quality first.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lovely_gerl said:


> I do that Every Single day~~!!!!!!!! But he is the 1 that pushes me away!
> Trust me, i hate drama, i dont like fighting i am the type of person that if he didnt start the fighting we would never fight !!!!!!!!!!
> I can tell you that much! he even has admited to me that he is an a_s...


My H and i just did a section in our boundary book about each person being accountable for their own emotions. Its not your job to make him happy on a daily basis. he needs to handle his own daily emotional baggage. If he pushes you away and is moody, let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. Dont rescue him from his own behavior. He'll never heal and become a whole person that way. and that's exhausting for you! but make sure you communicate with him. its important that he knows why you withdrawal, what he can do to fix it, and that you still love him.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> If he pushes you away and is moody, let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. Dont rescue him from his own behavior. He'll never heal and become a whole person that way. and that's exhausting for you!


What you're saying is true, but sometimes with my wife and I, when one of us is being unreasonably crabby, the other is able to bounce us out of the bad mood with a smile or hug, or even humour.

Also a lot of women get a bit crabby once a month, and it's not really anyone's fault, it's just nature. When I remember to turn up the emotional heat during these times, all goes smoothly. But when I get sucked in and take it personally - UhOh 

Men are expected to put up with this monthly behaviour from women. I never thought of this before, but perhaps men coming home from work in a less than joyful mood is the male corollary!


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## Sinta (Apr 18, 2009)

*How about if it is the other way around that he more into hand job than sex ?*

It is so confusing for me ...

Do I need to leave him for this reason ?

Is it a sign that he has sex outside our marriage ?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> What you're saying is true, but sometimes with my wife and I, when one of us is being unreasonably crabby, the other is able to bounce us out of the bad mood with a smile or hug, or even humour.


That is true. And i understand what you are saying. I guess in my relationship it gets taken to an unhealthy level, where my H starts to feel resentful because he feels like my bad mood is his fault, and he thinks he needs to fix me. And i start to think he needs to fix my bad mood, and visa versa. And sometimes, i just want to be in a bad mood, and my H actually gets upset that he cant cheer me up. So that's why I say its important to not feel responsible for the other spouses behavior, especially if they are moody and holding the other person accountable for his/her bad mood. Maybe when its less emotionally enmeshed its healthy to try and cheer one's spouse up. Im still trying to figure that part out.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Maybe when its less emotionally enmeshed its healthy to try and cheer one's spouse up. Im still trying to figure that part out.


Perhaps the paradox of marriage is this:

We should not expect our partner to make *us *happy, but *we *should expect to make our partner happy.

Or to quote a well know phrase: "it is better to give than receive". If both partners try to out-do each other in how much they give, it is a win-win situation.


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

My husband recently complained about not getting enough sex and my response to him (after years of this happening) was, "Did you ever wonder why I'm not into having a lot of sex with you?" 
"B/C you're an icebox?" was his answer.
I had to take a deep breath to keep from calling him a nasty name,
"No, b/c maybe I'm sick of you getting all the enjoyment while I lie here wondering where my enjoyment is as you roll over and fall asleep. I'd rather not even begin to have sex than end up being dissatisfied each time."

Now I realize that we're supposed to make our own enjoyment, but you know, taking care of myself every time gets kind of tedious when I have a husband who I'd like to share with. 

Any suggestions, anybody?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

4-5 times a week sometimes 7!!!!!!!!!!

he should shut up


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> 4-5 times a week sometimes 7!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> he should shut up


<----------Totally in agreement here.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

debrajean said:


> My husband recently complained about not getting enough sex and my response to him (after years of this happening) was, "Did you ever wonder why I'm not into having a lot of sex with you?"
> "B/C you're an icebox?" was his answer.
> I had to take a deep breath to keep from calling him a nasty name,
> "No, b/c maybe I'm sick of you getting all the enjoyment while I lie here wondering where my enjoyment is as you roll over and fall asleep. I'd rather not even begin to have sex than end up being dissatisfied each time."
> ...


I'm betting MarkTwain will point to Semen Retention.

Not knowing what his problem is, but instead of tossing insults at each other (yeah...he's being a jerk!), how about offering a deal? You'll have more sex, if he'll become an eager student on how to *really* please you? 

Do you ever talk about it? What you each like? Because, really, neither of you should have to wonder about why sex isn't happening. If there's a problem, the only way to fix it is to bring it out in the open.

If that were the problem with my wife's and my sex life, I'd be right there taking notes, and putting in those extra hours of "study" 

Heck, maybe that is the problem, but since I can't get her to open up, I'll never know.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DownButNotOut said:


> I'm betting MarkTwain will point to Semen Retention.


DownButNotOut- I commented in your thread by the way.

No, I am not going to recommend semen retention!



debrajean said:


> No, b/c maybe I'm sick of you getting all the enjoyment while I lie here wondering where my enjoyment is as you roll over and fall asleep. I'd rather not even begin to have sex than end up being dissatisfied each time.


It seems to me as if this could be a positive move on your part. You have opened a dialogue with him. What was his reaction?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

4-7 times per week? Your hubby's an ass for complaining. Seriously.

And, yes, skipping a day should be just fine. And the quickie might not be as satisfying BECAUSE the sex is so frequent. I mean, it's almost impossible to keep up hot, passionate, prolonged, intense sex EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Maybe if he waits a day, he can get something a bit more intense.

In conclusion: You're right. He's wrong. Very few cases are this clear-cut.


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## Shael (Apr 23, 2009)

Woah, woah, woah!

4-5 Times, even 7 for him.. Isn't enough?

I'm speechless!


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I actually read this whole thread, and I still think it's absurd to be complaining about not enough sex when you guys are doing it almost every single day. Maybe he is after the variety or passion, but not the quantity.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

lovely_gerl said:


> We have sex at least 4-5 times a week, sometimes 7! Times we dont have sex its because we are just really tired or we are fighting because we dont have enough enough sex as he says!


He needs to find a hobby!!! :scratchhead:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, time for an experiment for your not satiated spouse.

Let me describe it this way. when I was a kid a cousin had to come live with us who was deprived of just about every enjoyment. My dad would cook Sunday breakfast for all us kids. Eggs and bacon, toast.

Well, when this kid arrived he would basically snatch the bacon and run off with it like some kind of wild animal.

There was intense hurt feelings over his gluttony. We kids couldn't figure it out, we wanted a slice of bacon too.

But my dad was wise. he realized that there was something to his feeling of deprivation left over from his really horrid home life.

Some one morning he announced he was making my cousin as much bacon as he wanted, just to see how much he could eat.

He cooked up many packages of bacon and kept piling them on his plate. At first, my deprived cousin thought it was great. He'd greedily eat all as soon as he got it.

But by the end, my dad was telling him to keep eating it. Finally, this kid had had enough and said so. 

After that? He didn't ever try that stunt, he was over the bacon.

So what does this mean for your spouse who gets a lot of sex and still feels deprived?

Maybe you two can try to find out what it is he wants, I doubt it is just frequency of sex.

He feels deprived and you feel overwhelmed.

Figure that out and you have your answer.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> He needs to find a hobby!!! :scratchhead:


It sounds like he has one!


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

Its simple. I'll take a stab and say he defines sex as your interest, not the frequency. Are there things that don't happen in bed that he might be afraid to ask about? Is it always the same. Is there a deficit of heated passion and a lot of just lying there? Would he give up a couple times a week for more choriography?

Maybe less sex would improve both of your sex lives?


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## Erol (Apr 24, 2009)

lovely_gerl said:


> I am 30 years old, me and my husband have been together 13 years, married 10. We have 2 boys 11 and 6. We have sex at least 4-5 times a week, sometimes 7! Times we dont have sex its because we are just really tired or we are fighting because we dont have enough enough sex as he says!
> he told me last night we dont have enough sex! im like are you serious? when i told him the amount of days in a week we have sex he says yea ok! ... what is the matter with him? if we dont have sex that night we will do it in the morning but its not enough! those are concidered quickies and doesnt count! We have been fighting terribly because of the so called not enough sex! i think allot of men wish there wives had sex like we do but he thinks we have less compared to others! the fights are getting really serious, i am becoming physically and emotionally tired! i am crying more and feeling so insecure with myself. Is it me like he says or is it him?



Well ma'am 
firstly I want to say God bless you and your family forever..I am sorry for this stiuation of you..That must be really hard for you..I can guess how you are feeling now..According your words I can say he is being so greedy about sex..Maybe there is another problem.. I have no idea about his feelings yet but probably there is another lady in his life..or maybe something effects his mood about you.. Just follow him and watch what he does recently..


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## NewtralHuman (Apr 24, 2009)

There really isn't enough data to suggest a clear-cut idea. But I'd say just like michzz/Unit4 that perhaps there is something related (in)directly to sex that is missing between the 2 of you. May be he's the one who always initiates but he wants you to, because it's a turn-on.
As for his moody attitude after work, try not to take it personally for sometime, but express *exactly* how you feel (*explaining* to him that it's a turn-off.)
Then as someone or 2 suggested, give him all the sex he wants for 21 days and then have a good discussion. But be careful, too much of anything is no healthy and can desensitise you/him for a long time, which means either or both of you may not find it as pleasurable to have sex as you did before.
It is also possible that he has a very very high libido, so your libidos are mis-matched. I would suggest that he eat more foods that have a cooling effect and cut down on foods that have a heating effect on the body.
Cool foods: vegetables in general, cucumber, cantelopue, kiwi in particular.
Hot foods: pineapple, mango, foods generally high in protein.
Not to mention physical exercise (strength-training and/or muscle building) does help enhance the libido for both males and females.
Whatever you do, do not simply brush off his complaints, or it will mutate into something undesirable: such as porn addiction or even an affair outside your marriage. Just be willing to talk about the whole matter; it will tell him you are at the very least addressing the issue.
O! I just thought of an idea! While you are sorting out the problem, suggest to him that he should consider contributing to this forum, so that he could impart valuable data that would help us all!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I dont think sex is the issue. I think he is wanting more of something he is not expressing. He may be needing respect or affection. It might help if you both read a book called His needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage? Does he watch allot of Porn? Maybe he is wanting you to be a porn star which is not at all realistic.

Good luck and God Bless


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## Connected (Apr 30, 2009)

When I first got married I was all ready for ALL the sex the comes along with it. My husband as a boyfriend had no problems getting things going. But the day after we got married all of a sudden he would turn me away. I was shocked. I gave it a few days of trying again, but being turned down. He even stopped kissing me. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore so I asked why he was doing that. He at some point told me that he didn't have "IT" for me anymore. I mean I'm already kicked in the face with sexual rejection then to be told he married me and didn't have "IT" for me anymore. I am devistated. It has been many years later and things have never gotten better. Then to add insult to injury he once told me that when I was just a few weeks pregnant with out first child, that if I got fat he would leave me. Know this is out of the blue. I have never been overweight mostly underweight. he said this while we were holding hands. I just couldn't believe I married a person who would say such a thing. I'm telling you he was the nicest man you'd ever meet when we dated and I lie not, the old bait and switch, it changed immediately after we got married. But I'm writing because just the other day he said "We need to have more sex." Now I'm thinking, "you're kidding me right?" I guess I'll have to become and actress if I want to pull this one off. I tell him how devistating his rejection and cold treatment over the years has affected my emotional bond with him and everytime I tell him that he just looks at me like "and what am I supposed to do about that." Cold, nothing in return. This is really long story short. He doesn't seem to care or try to understand my point of view and doesn't seem to want more in our relationship. I guess just more sex. It's hard to have more sex with someone that says they dont' have "IT" for you anymore and they show it on a daily basis. I think we are and have been doomed for a long time over this issue. How can I have more sex to someone that gives me nothing physically or emotionally to work with?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Connected-
How often do you have sex these days?


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