# A long drawn out saga



## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

A very long story. I met my wife when I was 19. She was my first sexual encounter. Moved in after about 3 weeks, we were having sex after 1 week. We didnt date as such, it was very sexual. My wife had been sexually assaulted numerous times before I met her. When she was 14 she was raped by a teenager aquaintance.

She then was also raped by a boyfriend quite a few times during a abusive relationship, through their time together of about 3 years. Another time she was raped by an older man, when she stayed at his and his wifes house. The wife left for work in the morning and he raped her. She claims she was too afraid to stop him.

Another time she says she went home with a couple of guys after her 18th birthday, and you guessed it the guy raped her. Another time she was physically touched and this is the only time she laid charges, and the man was sent to jail. So a lot happenned to her before we got together. She never got much support from her family etc. or counselling to help with this.

We got together and it was all fun and such. She told me about her past problems, and i was fine with it. She was always extremely touchy, and edgy. One little disagreement and she would go off, many times punching and hitting me etc. Getting on with this we got together in 1995.

Around 1998, i went away for a weekend to my parents, and she didnt come because we had one of those little disagreements before. So she stayed home, we had a male flatmate. I went away and came home. She was so happy to see me. But very insistent in going to new years where this flatmate was. We got there, and that night, she said she wanted to break up. So we kinda did, but not really, and we had new years together with the flatmate at a few nightclubs. We came home, for a few days before the flatmate came back. Over the next few weeks we got back together. About a few weeks later the flatmate moved out.

Fast forward to 2000, and my wife became pregnant with our first child. She suffered a lot of depression, i was working long hours, and no support from her family. We had our second child in 2003, depression really bad after this as well.In 2004 we had our first (really second problem). My wife went with friends and their 15 year old nephew away for the day, as I couldnt get babysistting for our child. She came home and over the next few days behaved weird and got many text messages on our mobile, but wouldnt show me.

At the third day I came home. And she told me to sit down. She had been caught out by the 15 years old sisters who read his phone and told their mum. The mum told our friend that if my wife didnt stop what she was doing she would tell me. They had basically been sexting each other to the point where she was organising for him to leave school at lunchtime and meet at our house, whilst i was at work and the child was in babysitting. I was shocked and heartbroken. Didnt know at the time but I was too weak,and she really didnt get any consequences for it. A bit later we were having a fight, and she blurted out, no wonder i didnt tell you about me and the flatmate sleeping in his bed that night you went to your parents. She claims she was upset, and needed someone in the bed. She claims nothing happenned. Her version of events is he tried to get her drunk, so guess what she slept in his bed, but they didnt touch each other. She didnt even like him apparently. I rang this guy, and he said nothing happenned that night, but they did have sex later. When I said to him, he better not be lying, he said he has nothing to gain from telling me lies. She has continually denied this. Okay another thing to give me nightmares over. How the hell can you do that, again i really didnt give her consequences. I do know they never communicated again after he moved out.

We never really got going properly again. I always mulled over everything, occasionally just bluring out stuff about this to hurt her at times. She was still very depressed, on and off medication etc. Still physically abusive etc to me.

2009 she begins a emotional affair on facebook with another guy(45 year old) from overseas. Goes on for about 3 months before i had enough of her spending all her time on facebook, and i installed a spy program, and got copies of all her conversations. I hit her with it and she went off her head even to the point of saying she would hurt the kids. I rang the police and they took her to hospital for an assessment. They said she was fine and wouldnt hurt the kids. I sent her packing to her parents and she stayed there for about 3 days before she came home, and we sorta swept it under the carpet. She has over all this time quite a few times threatening suicide, been admitted to hospital a few times. We did have marriage counselling for about 6 months after this. Dont know if it helped, but I felt better for it.



Late last year she needs to go to here aunties place to help her female 14 year old cousin who has been sexually assaulted. Her cousin was going to court. I began to feel funny when she acted weird on her text messages etc. She rings me on the day before she was coming home, and says she was bringing her 17 year old male cousin home for a few weeks. i say no, i just lost my father, i dont want anyone here. She in the end says ok, i wont bring him. Next morning she rings, and says he's coming i dont care what you say.

Well they get here and over the next few days , not much, just feeling uncomfortable as they seem to be way too touch feely for cousins. On the wednesday night, she tells me she wants him to move in, as it would be much better for him here as he doesnt like it at his mothers. We fight, and i say no way. Next night i go into the computer room , and find him on the seat perched behind my wife. I go off, but she just says i am being silly. He stays for another week, i dont know why or how i let him stay, but nothing major, but small stuff that cousins dont do . REMEMBER i was at work during the day but who knows.

Also whilst he was here i kept saying to her , that what looked to be going on wasnt right, and she kept saying you are being silly. You need help maybe you need to see a shrink, you are going crazy. Long story short, she does tell me whilst she was at her aunties, the cousin (who has autism, and is a drug user etc, dropkick) told her he wanted to sleep with her. She said she was feeling attracted to him (apparently they have an emotional connection) but told him she couldnt because she was married and she was her cousin. During this time they were still talking on phone and texting. Also i told her mother about this and his mother, but they dismissed it. My wife even made me apoligize to him and his mother for suggesting this stuff was going onBeen a year now, we have done some counselling etc, but nothing really going there. She hasnt had any contact with him since. Says she doesnt even think about him. She says how silly she was, and doesnt know why i stay with her.

We are just going through the motions. I always ponder over whether she has had sex with the cousin, or the flatmate. She has always denied this, even at points where she is so broken down emotionally she is going to kill herself.

I dont really know what to do. I do love her, but always in the back of my mind is all this crap.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you should forgive her, because she had a hard life.........................................................................................................................................Very much NOT!..............................................How about this, You start to like yourself for who you are, remember back when you did not have this TICK on you......start working out, running, bag training,P90X, anything, just something to remind yourself who you used to be! Read thru the post of TAM and read about INFILDELITY, also go to DocCool and read about how CHEATERS Think. You are her Doormat, her second choice, you are safe and not exciting..............but that is ok! because you are going to start a New and Very Exciting LIFE! You are going to start living a new life for you, not for her,but for you!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a mess, isn't it? What do you want, at this point?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I suggest you keep a close eye on your children. If this story is true (which I doubt), your wife is sexually inappropriate with minor children and relatives. What makes you think she will not sexually abuse your children. She is lacking any moral fortitude and has no boundaries for herself or others. She needs daily intensive therapy. IMO

You can not fix her. I'd worry about your children. You chose to have this woman be the mother of your children.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

I want to honestly get the f out of their. I want to take the kids. I dont know how i would go with them, with regards to work etc. 

This is not a happy place in all reality. She will be seeing the doctor in a few days to see a new pschologist. She also has other medical problems at the moment, which mean she cant eat real well. This has meant she is in constant pain, and cant do much.

I do nearly everything. I do really want out, as i dont think i can every forgive her. Sometimes i think if i get her a polygraph,and it says she had no sex, i could forgive her.

But just because she didnt have sex, if that was the case, she allowed herself to get into all these situations and had no boundaries.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> I suggest you keep a close eye on your children. If this story is true (which I doubt), your wife is sexually inappropriate with minor children and relatives. What makes you think she will not sexually abuse your children. She is lacking any moral fortitude and has no boundaries for herself or others. She needs daily intensive therapy. IMO
> 
> You can not fix her. I'd worry about your children. You chose to have this woman be the mother of your children.


And dna the kids.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Multiple emotional and physical affairs. She slept with the flatmate - as he said. Probably the 17 year old as well. 

Plan your exit strategy.

Serial cheaters such as your wife crave affection from forbidden men. That is part of the excitement they feel. Serial cheaters also do not just wake up one day and decide they are not going to do it any longer.

Your wife has multiple mental problems that cannot be fixed over night. 

Do want to stay with this woman knowing she is not going to change and you are going to be looking over your shoulder for the next "other man" for the rest of you married life?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know, her family sound a bit strange. Like the people you see on the Jeremy Kyle Show?


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

This cousin thing, yes her Auntie is strange. As far as i am concerned they are all a bunch of ferals. She is only her auntie by marriage. Her blood uncle divorced her quite a long time ago.

This story is indeed real. I guess early on, it was all good. I thought someone who had a bad past would be so unwilling to go there again. My silly mistake.

I didnt find anything out till after the second child. The kids all look like me, so i am pretty sure there.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> She says how silly she was, and doesnt know why i stay with her.


It put it cristal clear her emotional age, how far from reality she is. She's not a functional adult.
Your wife is severely damaged. It might be imposible to fix. At most she can manage it.
She needs intensive, specialized counseling with someone well aware of her past and recent behaviors. Her acting our sexually with minors is very worrysome. She has no idea of healthy boundaries. I think it might be a waste to deal with this in a traditional fashion of self reflexion and healing from the past. Training her boundaries is a must. She can't put herself a risk of acting out, damage some inocent and land in jail. 

Notice I'm not suggesting you to stay or leave. I'm thinking in your children if nobody is there to make her acountable.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife pursues teenagers because she can control the relationship with them. The teenagers' being distant relatives also add a level of control for your wife. This traces back to the lack of control your wife has had over many sexual liaisons in the past.

This is a problem for a professional psychiatrist.

Your wife is the mother of your children. Please see if you can guide her to seek professional help. Your wife's problem is not that she is a cheater, it is a manifestation of much deeper problems from the abuse she suffered in the past.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest you privately need to st down with the psychiatrist and tell the same story you told above. He needs to know that stuff to treat her. 

She is bring emotionally and physically inappropriate with men and boys. Even relatives. It's getting worse. How will you feel and how will your children feel if their mum gets arrested for statuatory rape?


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Yes the Psychologist thing will be happenning again soon. The last one, who she didnt want to see anymore, came up with multiple personalities (to protect herself), sexual dysfunction, and possibly psychotic.

She has been complaining that i am nothing but like a house mate to her. I guess i am doing the 180 on her, without trying, i am emotionally disconnected.

Of course i dont want her to go any further with all this. That is why i am getting her help again. I dont just want to dump her, and deal with the aftermath (affecting the kids).


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Well been a while. Still with the wife. She has been put on some mood stabilizers which seem to be working. She hasnt been to see the psychologist in quite a while, seems to think that hehashing old trauma has done and will do nothing for her.

Woke up today and kinda realized I cant keep doing this. I dont believe her stories and probable lies. I need to get out. How can I do this, I need support.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You never got the truth that is why you cant move on. If you want to just call it quits let her know you can't move in she is doing nothing to make the situation better then file the papers.

If she comes back and wants to work on it you will need a polygraph to move on.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh wow.
Dna the kids. Methinks we have another wrathful here.

Dont be too surprised if at least one of your kids is not your kid.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Well been a while. Still with the wife. She has been put on some mood stabilizers which seem to be working. She hasnt been to see the psychologist in quite a while, seems to think that hehashing old trauma has done and will do nothing for her.
> 
> Woke up today and kinda realized I cant keep doing this. I dont believe her stories and probable lies. I need to get out. How can I do this, I need support.


It might be a good idea to talk to her psychologist about the best way to go about this before you do anything. Your wife was diagnosed with some pretty serious mental health concerns. Also talk to a lawyer so you know what types of financial and custody issues likely are to come up.

You are going to need to get some help. You'll have to set up some support for her. Is there anyone normal that she is comfortable with that can help her out. How far away are they?

Talk to the lawyer and psychologist first, but I would guess the first step would be to let your wife know you want out. The next would be to make sure she doesn't hurt herself. At least initially, that will fall on you. Very shortly after you tell your wife you plan to divorce, you should contact her family and let them know so they can provide support. You'll have to talk to the kids about it also.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

So the latest update. Wife and I have been arguing over stuff, specifically me saying i need to know everything. The only night i found out that she had looked at a page of the cousins that she didnt have blocked. She did it through her female cousins page. . I was wild about something, and her excuse for doing it was she thought i had something on computer to watch her, so she did it to see if i did. I never disclosed after this that i did, so she is none the wises if, or not i do.

I will ask her this morning to block those pages and the cousins page. The other day she said she needs to go away and get sorted at a proper mental health place. I dont know where to go from here.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Woke up today and kinda realized I cant keep doing this. I dont believe her stories and probable lies. I need to get out. How can I do this, I need support.


Just do it already. Why o why would you keep yourself and your children in this screwed up environment that your wife has created for you? I think it is pretty well established that she is a damaged person ... you can't fix her and never will.

Sir, it is well past time to man-up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> So the latest update. Wife and I have been arguing over stuff, specifically me saying i need to know everything. The only night i found out that she had looked at a page of the cousins that she didnt have blocked. She did it through her female cousins page. I knew she did it through Spector as for some reason i looked through the screenshots. I dont normally do that, i just look at what is typed. I was wild about something, and her excuse for doing it was she thought i had something on computer to watch her, so she did it to see if i did. I never disclosed after this that i did, so she is none the wises if, or not i do.
> 
> I will ask her this morning to block those pages and the cousins page. The other day she said she needs to go away and get sorted at a proper mental health place. I dont know where to go from here.



Right. And the thief broke into your house to check if the alarm system was working.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DNA tests on your children, if legal in your country, would be a good first step.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Where the hell do these guys meet these women? So far she's been raped at least four times. How many times is multiple by the one guy Lord only knows. Rape is ugly and horrible, everyone agrees to that but to this degree I have to tell you bull sh!t! If she was raped that many times then I would venture a guess that this woman would cringe at the thought of any man touching her including you and she's fooling around with a 15 year old, the flat mate and now the cousin, and what's really nutso is she has you believing it. 

Dude. as soon as she got up to #3 in the rape stories, you should have had enough common sense to smell a rat in the wood pile and pulled up stakes and tried to find a sane woman. I hope that I don't get ugly rebuttals from women but I can't believe this girl. Not only does she need help but so do you. So many guys on these threads try to be the knight in shining armor and come to the rescue of an unbalanced woman and get kicked in the fanny when they do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

6301 said:


> Where the hell do these guys meet these women? So far she's been raped at least four times. How many times is multiple by the one guy Lord only knows. Rape is ugly and horrible, everyone agrees to that but to this degree I have to tell you bull sh!t! If she was raped that many times then I would venture a guess that this woman would cringe at the thought of any man touching her including you and she's fooling around with a 15 year old, the flat mate and now the cousin, and what's really nutso is she has you believing it.
> 
> Dude. as soon as she got up to #3 in the rape stories, you should have had enough common sense to smell a rat in the wood pile and pulled up stakes and tried to find a sane woman. I hope that I don't get ugly rebuttals from women but I can't believe this girl. Not only does she need help but so do you. So many guys on these threads try to be the knight in shining armor and come to the rescue of an unbalanced woman and get kicked in the fanny when they do.


Sometimes multiple bad things happen to people. That do not normally happen.

In the UK, if a train driver hits and kills one person in his career, that's rare.

There was one driver who struck and killed three people during his career until he cracked under the strain and could drive no more.

So multiple rapes, although rare, can happen.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't see how you can reconcile as she is not remorseful at all. Also, she is obviously bVllsh!tting you. 

No offense, but I'd throw the towel on this one.

Get your ducks lined up for an exit strategy.
paternity test the kids
Get std testing for you
See a lawyer
PROTECT the kids from her.

I would GTFO of this relationship to protect my sanity, health and the kids.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> So the latest update. ..
> 
> I will ask her this morning to block those pages and the cousins page. The other day she said she needs to go away and get sorted at a proper mental health place. I dont know where to go from here.


You know where to go, anywhere that gets you the he!! away from her.

Start with legal help. you've been given sound advice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is an incredible situation and you sir, are very very tolerant. There is no chance that I would even consider staying in a toxic environment like this. By the way, which country are you guys from or based in ?


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Australia.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*The last one, who she didnt want to see anymore, came up with multiple personalities (to protect herself), sexual dysfunction, and possibly psychotic.*

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the term we use in counseling for multiple personalities. I have only ever had one client who had this disorder and I had him as a client for several years. The way you describe your wife's prior traumas of being raped would lend itself to DID. 

Psychotic behavior is where one loses touch with reality. 

You are dealing with a very unstable person, mentally and behaviorally. 

There is so many layers here, I would not know where to begin. You are being abused and it will do you no good to stay in this relationship.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You don't need to prove anything to anybody. Just get out of that mess.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> This is an incredible situation and you sir, *are very very tolerant.* There is no chance that I would even consider staying in a toxic environment like this. By the way, which country are you guys from or based in ?




No he is not tolerant but incapable of taking right actions. May be more than his wife he needs an IC.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Been away for a bit of a holiday. Still no contact happenning. Tried talking many times with her, she shuts down. Says she hates him and want to kill him (the cousin). But wont tell me why and says i will never find out why.

She has an appointment with a psychiatrist next friday. Havent been able to get any more information out of her. I know where i should be going, but just so hard with kids involved. If there werent any i would of left a long, long time ago.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't use the kids as an excuse. You don't need any proof. File for divorce and shock her out of her silence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> I rang this guy, and he said nothing happened that night, but they did have sex later. When I said to him, he better not be lying, he said he has nothing to gain from telling me lies.





veryannoyed1976 said:


> I always ponder over whether she has had sex with the cousin, or the flatmate.


:scratchhead:


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

wow.... just wondering how you can mannage all that shxt! I really dont know if I should admire you or feel pity.....
AND YOU ARE STILL MARRIED???
LIKE i SAID.... WOW!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you're in Oz that means you have to separate for a year before divorcing right? Might as well get it going now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You should divorce FOR the kids. Talk to an attorney and get full custody after a psych evaluation.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You need many, many, many years of therapy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And like I said last year-time flies-DNA the kids please.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Seriously, she sounds as messed up as they come. You need to bail ASAP.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She needs the help of mental Heath professionals now!

Have you thought ahead to the way she goes after young males? Males that she can control and call the shots with? Makes that are basically controlled by their hormones. I'd say she's getting some perverse pleasure out of being in charge of arousing them, of being dominate over makes sexually.

I don't mean this as a sex play thing - I'm suggesting it may be a anti-sex aggressive act as a result of having been raped. She's likes the comfort and safety of being in power with them.

Think down the road when your kids are older and have friends coming over - is she going possibly prey on some of those friends?

I think you really need to tackle this before she pulls some thing that will humiliate and hurt your family publicly.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Wife was diagnosed with BPD last friday by a mental health government psychiatrist. Said she will need to be in intensive treatment with DBT therapy, and the prognosis would be good for recovery. Said she unconciously was trying to sabotage her relationship with me constantly because she had a deep fear of abandonment. 
Does anyone have any thought on therapy and chances of success.??


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Wife was diagnosed with BPD last friday by a mental health government psychiatrist. Said she will need to be in intensive treatment with DBT therapy, and the prognosis would be good for recovery. Said she unconciously was trying to sabotage her relationship with me constantly because she had a deep fear of abandonment.
> Does anyone have any thought on therapy and chances of success.??


Check out the Physical & Mental Health Issues subforum.There's a lot of insight exchanged there on various threads.Posters like Uptown are well versed in this area.Good luck.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Thankyou


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

how does a person get raped every time they turn around???
That makes no sense...did she wear a sign that said "rape me, I wont tell"?? NOT making fun of joking about something as serious as sexual assault, but I wonder how many of her rapes were consentual until afterwards and the guilt set in, or seemingly consentual during the encounter

I know a few women who have been raped, truly raped...and I bet my kidneys it will NEVER happen again, they will fight to the death to stop it, and will NEVER put themselves in situations that can lead to it...I really question the validity to her claims...something is fishy!!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good luck!

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

missthelove2013 said:


> how does a person get raped every time they turn around???
> That makes no sense...did she wear a sign that said "rape me, I wont tell"?? NOT making fun of joking about something as serious as sexual assault, but I wonder how many of her rapes were consentual until afterwards and the guilt set in, or seemingly consentual during the encounter
> 
> I know a few women who have been raped, truly raped...and I bet my kidneys it will NEVER happen again, they will fight to the death to stop it, and will NEVER put themselves in situations that can lead to it...I really question the validity to her claims...something is fishy!!


...or she's just flat out lying to cover up her promiscuity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Wife was diagnosed with BPD last friday by a mental health government psychiatrist. Said she will need to be in intensive treatment with DBT therapy, and the prognosis would be good for recovery. Said she unconciously was trying to sabotage her relationship with me constantly because she had a deep fear of abandonment.
> Does anyone have any thought on therapy and chances of success.??


Wow. 

First of all, read every book you can get your hands on. You'll need every bit of that information to deal with her. 

Second, you'll have to deal with her whether you stay together or not, because of the kids. So get informed.

And therapy/success? Very, VERY hard road. She has to REALLY want it.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

What are peoples thought on the accuracy on polygraphs. I am thinking perhaps if i know there was nothing sexual, i may be able to work this out. Doesnt stop all the intent of it, and the what if's if she wasnt caught.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I just read your opening "shot across the bow" so to speak. And oh boy, was it a dandy. 

Before I comment anymore.

Are you still with this woman? 

And if yes. Then. 

Why the hell are you still with this woman?!?!!?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> What are peoples thought on the accuracy on polygraphs. I am thinking perhaps if i know there was nothing sexual, i may be able to work this out. Doesnt stop all the intent of it, and the what if's if she wasnt caught.


Dear veryannoyed1976,

Just read your thread. In October, your W was diagnosed as BPD. Have you researched this? If not, you need to. Here's a good place to start: Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment | Psych Central.

BPD is one of the most debilitating emotional disorders and one for which there is no cure. My brother had BPD. It affected every aspect of his life and got progressively worse, despite extensive psychiatric treatment and medication, until he finally took his own life a few years ago. Even though he was my little brother whom I had loved and tried to help since we were both little, near the end, I actually became afraid of him.

Please get professional help for yourself and your children. If I were you, I would stop focusing on what she has or hasn't done and instead learn to deal with who she is. I would also seriously consider trying to minimize her involvement in yours and your children's lives.

Please don't try to deal with this on your own.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear veryannoyed1976,
> 
> Just read your thread. In October, your W was diagnosed as BPD. Have you researched this? If not, you need to. Here's a good place to start: Borderline Personality Disorder Treatment | Psych Central.
> 
> ...


I have definately done some research and read some books that are helping with the mental illness that is BPD. I have read I hate you Dont Leave Me, Lost in the Mirror, and I am currently reading stop walking on eggshells.

I realise how bad this illness is, and what it does to those affected. Not only the person, but the people close to her. I fully realise i need other help, and i myself see a psychologist when the need is felt. 

My wife is still not currently in treatment, due to our doctor not getting the referral away. Despite numerous phone calls and such we are going to see him again on Monday (he works quite far away) to get the referral to get her into some treatment

The problem being money and travel, as no psychiatrist is close by. At least 2 hours away and my wife is not fit to drive long distances by herself. Our best means at the moment is for her treatment to be delivered by skype. We will have to see how this goes.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

How does one minimise her involvement when you are living in the same house and its just crazy. She is very "lazy", and i am so sick of doing nearly everything after being at work since 4.30am in the morning and get home at 3pm, to nothing done most of the time. I find it hard not to show my displeasure with it all.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Wife was diagnosed with BPD ....Does anyone have any thought on therapy and chances of success.??


VA, there are excellent treatment programs (such as DBT) all over the USA and Europe. The problem is not the lack of good treatment programs but, rather, the lack of attendance. I've never seen any statistics on the success rate but I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers have the self awareness and ego strength needed to remain in therapy long enough to make a difference. Indeed, most BPDers (especially those who are high functioning) won't even start therapy because they refuse to acknowledge to themselves that they have a problem warranting treatment.

Even if you insist on the BPDer going to weekly therapy -- as I did with my exW for 15 years -- you're confronted with the problem that, unless she is strongly self motivated, she will only play mind games with the therapist. As Turnera said, the BPDer "has to really want it" for the therapy to be successful. 

The other problem is that, with BPDers, it is difficult to determine if any real progress is being made. Like smokers who are always "quitting," a BPDer typically is always dramatically "improving" every few weeks -- when she flips back to splitting you white instead of black. It therefore is difficult to distinguish a real improvement from the up side of the usual roller coaster ride. And, because you love her so, you have a powerful incentive to see "improvement" where none really exists. 

In that way, I spent a small fortune sending my exW to six different psychologists (and several MCs) for weekly sessions for 15 years -- all to no avail. She eventually became so resentful of my inability to make her happy that she had me thrown into jail for three days on a bogus charge so she could get a R/O barring me from returning to my own home. 

If you would like to read about my experiences, you will find many of them described in my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, VA.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> How does one minimise her involvement when you are living in the same house and its just crazy. She is very "lazy", and i am so sick of doing nearly everything after being at work since 4.30am in the morning and get home at 3pm, to nothing done most of the time. I find it hard not to show my displeasure with it all.





Uptown said:


> VA, there are excellent treatment programs (such as DBT) all over the USA and Europe. The problem is not the lack of good treatment programs but, rather, the lack of attendance. I've never seen any statistics on the success rate but I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers have the self awareness and ego strength needed to remain in therapy long enough to make a difference. Indeed, most BPDers (especially those who are high functioning) won't even start therapy because they refuse to acknowledge to themselves that they have a problem warranting treatment.
> 
> Even if you insist on the BPDer going to weekly therapy -- as I did with my exW for 15 years -- you're confronted with the problem that, unless she is strongly self motivated, she will only play mind games with the therapist. As Turnera said, the BPDer "has to really want it" for the therapy to be successful.
> 
> ...


Dear veryannoyed1976,

Uptown's experience with his xW is very consistent with mine with my brother. It was like a roller-coaster ride. He would seem to get better for a while but then regress to a worse state of mind than before until, eventually, there was no helping him. It was terrible to witness and to realize that I was helpless to do anything about it. Toward the end, when he began to make threatening statements to my wife and correspond with my children behind my back, I felt that I had no choice but to limit my contact with him. Given what he did, I have terrible remorse for that but, at the time, I felt that I had no choice.

As Uptown said, most people with BPD refuse to admit that they have a problem and, as a result, either do not seek help or else do not stick with it. If they are highly intelligent, as my brother was, they can be incredibly convincing with others that those who are trying to help them are the ones' with mental problems. It's scary to get caught up in it.

I was fortunate to receive advice from a mental health professional who alerted me to what was happening and what to expect. I hope things don't get as bad with your wife as they did with my brother. But be prepared, just in case.

When I suggested that you consider limiting her involvement in your family's life, I was suggesting that you consider separating from and possibly even divorcing her. Only you can decide what is the best way forward. Just be aware that, as long as she is part of your life, you will have heartache and problems.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> How does one minimise her involvement when you are living in the same house and its just crazy. She is very "lazy", and i am so sick of doing nearly everything after being at work since 4.30am in the morning and get home at 3pm, to nothing done most of the time. I find it hard not to show my displeasure with it all.


Pick two things that you can 'let go' of and tell her that you need her to be responsible for one of them. Let her choose which one. Then let go. If she does it, great, if she doesn't, well, it won't get done. But you will feel better.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Well thought we were heading down the BPD route. She was diagnosed by a government psychiatrist on the first visit. We organised her to see a new psychiatrist, and she has done about 4 sessions. Yesterday he tells her he doesnt think she has BPD and that she is just depressed. I am at a loss.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Well thought we were heading down the BPD route. She was diagnosed by a government psychiatrist on the first visit. We organised her to see a new psychiatrist, and she has done about 4 sessions. Yesterday he tells her he doesnt think she has BPD and that she is just depressed.


VA, you had one psychiatrist who thought she might have multiple personal disorder (i.e., now called "Dissociative Identity Disorder") and a second psychiatrist who said "BPD." And now another psychiatrist believes it is only depression? Is this the one that speaks with her via Skype? He may be correct. But the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the deep fear of abandonment -- go far beyond simple depression.

I therefore observe that it is well known -- both inside and outside the psychiatric community -- that psychiatrists and other therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer client the name of her disorder. There are several reasons for this withholding of the diagnosis, which I describe in my post at Loath to Diagnose. Based on what you've read about BPD warning signs in the books you've read, what is your opinion? Are you seeing strong traits of BPD? And what does the psychologist say whom you are seeing on your own?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Two think she's severely compromised; one thinks she's just depressed. I'd be looking for another doctor.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

I will definately be seeing how this fella goes. I am so sick and tired of the situation. Wish i could decide to just get up and leave, i really do. It's all a complete utter mess, and honestly wish i never ever got involved with her. 

When i started going out, her mum did sit me down and tell me she had issues. I didnt listen, thought if i was good to her, treated her nice she would be alright. How wrong i was.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Well i start talking to my own psychiatrist soon. Hopefully i can work through my own issues and work out why i cant leave this situation.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Well i start talking to my own psychiatrist soon. Hopefully i can work through my own issues and work out why i cant leave this situation.


VA, thanks for returning to give us an update. I'm glad to hear that you will be obtaining advice from a psychiatrist who is ethically bound to protect only your interests, not hers. It is very prudent to be seeing your own professional.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Are you still with her? your kids need a good home, away from the nightmare.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you sure you need a psychiatrist and not a psychologist? I've never gotten good results (other than meds) from psychiatrists.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

The reason for going to a psychiatrist is she has been recommended by the psychiatrist my wife is using. Also for monetary reasons, we can do skype appointments with no cost. I am not planning on going on any medications, as i dont feel i need any.

I am going to see what is in my makeup, that is allowing me to put up with this kind of behaviour. And hopefully to change.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's good. I've just never seen psychiatrists do therapy, is all.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> The reason for going to a psychiatrist is she has been recommended by the psychiatrist my wife is using. Also for monetary reasons, we can do skype appointments with no cost.


Sounds like a good plan, VA. Like Turnera, I usually recommend seeing a psychologist when medication is unlikely to be needed. One reason, as Turnera explains, is that psychologists typically focus more on actual therapy (instead of spending substantial time writing prescriptions). Another reason is that, because you don't have to pay for the medical degree (in addition to the PhD degree), psychologists typically charge half what psychiatrists do. But none of this seems to apply in your case, VA.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Lastest twist. Just after the cousin incident 2 1/2 years go, probably 2 weeks after he left, i had a discharge from my penis and painful urinating. Our local doctor had left, so i rushed an appointment one friday afternoon to another doctor here, who is indian and very hard to understand. Long story short, he swabbed me and because it was so late i had to take that swab home, because the lab was shut. I thought he told me to keep the swab in the fridge. So this is what i did.

When i got the results, they were negative. So kinda thought, well, must of been something else.

The other day i went to my gp, and told her some of my story, as i was thinking i needed some anti depressants. She didnt want to put me on any. At the end of the consultation, i told her about the test 2 1/2 years ago. I said is there anyway it could of been wrong. 

She said by putting it in the fridge, i most likely caused what in her opinion would of been ghonnorhea to return a negative reading. She told me that the only other explanation was a prostate problem, but i was too young. And also i have never had this before or again.

So i go home and hit the wife with this. And she steadfastly says she didnt have sex with him, or anyone else since we have been together. And how does she know i havent been with anyone else.

I said because if i had, why the hell would i even tell you about my symptoms and such . She just tells me she cant explain it.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

There is no way if I were in your position that I would want anything other than to get away from her, petition for custody based on mental incompetence to care for herself (let alone anyone else). 

Don't be co-dependent... her demons are hers, and you can't fix them. To be honest, not sure she can either... she needs a lifetime of work.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

VA, have you been able to talk with the psychiatrist yet? If so, have you learned anything interesting?


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Hi Uptown. Unfortunately not yet, the lady i am going to be talking too, has fallen ill and will be off work for 2 weeks. Hopefully i will get in with her not long after she gets back.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle. 

After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone. 

A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll do you in the ass.” 

The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise. 

After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge. 

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.” 

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he’s really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka. 

He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. 

When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, “You’re not REALLY here for the hunting are you?”


Veryannoyed1976, you're not really here for the hunting, are you?


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle.
> 
> After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone.
> 
> ...


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol:


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_Would anyone see any value in a polygraph. If she passes with regards to telling me about not having sex, then with ic she maybe able to work on the issues causing the behavior.

Or is it a waste of time.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

veryannoyed1976 said:


> Or is it a waste of time?


VA, I'm afraid it would be a waste of time. One psychologist said she has multiple personalities disorder and is perhaps psychotic. Another said she has BPD. If either of them is correct, her perception of other people is so distorted much of the time that she may well believe -- at those times -- the outrageous things she says.

If she is as sick and unstable as you describe, the chances of her remaining in therapy and working on it are very small. She already has walked away from several psychologists.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

A polygraph ... would be VERY expensive. You would need a separate session for each of her personalities! :rofl:

I think you need to go to the doctor and get another STD test....the last one sounds pretty questionable


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> A polygraph ... would be VERY expensive. You would need a separate session for each of her personalities! :rofl:


lol, good one

VA, you know the answer here. Nothing's going to matter until she gets professional help. And that's not going to happen until YOU grow a set and create some real boundaries in your marriage.


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## veryannoyed1976 (Oct 26, 2012)

Well all thought i would post back, its been a while. Wife has been in counselling for the last year or so, and doing well , i think. I on the other hand cant get this stuff out of my mind, and am constantly thinking of leaving.

I think she knows this. Stuck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aren't you speaking honestly to her? How can you heal - OR move on - if you aren't being honest?


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