# Husbands who no longer want sex from wife, please enter.



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

It seems the LD males are lurkers or just unable to use the internet for whatever reason. Maybe they have a low internet drive as well. If you are a husband who no longer wants sex from his wife, or thinks your wife just wants too much sex, please come help us out. We have a lot of threads here where your opinion (no trolls - real husbands are needed) would really help. I'd like to understand was it years of rejection, is it the fact you are just not attracted to your wife, no longer interested in sex because she is boring in bed, maybe interested in another sex, porn addiction and prefer to masturbate or the drive for sex is just gone. I suppose I am more interested in a young to middle age guy that just has no sex drive. That seems to be the problem on the forums from some of these wives. No real reason, just no sex drive. If you could give us your age, that would definitely help some of us relate.

We seem to have HD wives, LD wives, and HD husbands on the forum, but the elusive LD husband is hard to find. Maybe because it's like being gay? Something they'd prefer to just NOT talk about?

Some of the threads here just completely blow my mind. I am not sure if the wives are exaggerating, leaving out a big piece of the puzzle, or just creating a problem from something they've created. I'd absolutely love to get some responses from the LD males.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

My first 3 sentences remind me of a Maury Povich commercial looking for guests. 

I'd sincerely love to see some of these husbands explain what's going on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm ZD. Zero. After decades of being told no by Her Highness that part of my brain shut off or burned out.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

So it was decades of being told no. That one makes the makes the most sense to me. I have seen guys that have turned down or off their sex drive because their spouse refuse to give them sex and they remain loyal. I wonder if a ZD could carry over into a whole new relationship with a whole new woman though?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

My LD husband wouldn't go on forums, but I will tell you about him. 58, married 18 years, 2 kids: 11 and 14. My perspective was he became LD on anti-depressants about when we married. Things got worse and we had about a 10 year sexless period with the longest stretch of no sex for 2 years. I gave up asking, never begged Never caught him watching porn for years. Things blew up when I did find a little porn on browsing history. I was done if things didn't get better. I read books recommended on here and was relentless as this was a last ditched effort to save us and my sanity. After coming on here, I asked him to have his T level checked. Now he is on shots (just started). 

Over six months later and we are in a much better place. He realizes how sex has improved our marriage. He still doesn't have the drive I have and is trying to be more adventurous in bed. For the first time in 18 years I got oral!! I had never pushed it before, but realized I was getting resentful for the lack of give and take. He is really trying and knows I have his and our best interest at heart.

When I blew up six months ago, I asked him why he wasn't interested in sex. Bottom line was he was extremely depressed for various reasons outside our relationship (death of sister, horrible job) and didn't feel like he was worthy. He just didn't think of how it was for me and how selfish it was. I try to wait for him to initiate so I don't overwhelm him, but I do remind him everyday (ok, all the time!) how much I want him and am receptive to advances anytime.

Hope this helps.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm ZD. Zero. After decades of being told no by Her Highness that part of my brain shut off or burned out.


Are you just ZD for your wife? or do you think about sex still at all, with other women?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband, I would say is LD, at least now. For years he and I were equal. Now, either my drive increased (is possible, I will be 37 in a couple months), or his dropped. The thing is, I am not sure if it is due to depression (actually bipolar but deep in depressive state along with other issues) itself, the meds they have put him on to try to fix him, having been taken off certain meds, or because of low testosterone now. He will be 31 next month. Sex is just very rarely on his mind and sometimes, I feel like the lack is because of MY disconnecting for so long. Either way, right now he is very LD.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Shiksa said*: he became LD on anti-depressants about when we married


 This is so commonplace, these drugs can really mess with the sex drive. They say Wellbutrin is one of the best that can accually increase the drive (if this is an option)... some reviews found here: 

Does Wellbutrin increase your sex drive?

My husband is not LD- but he is Lower Test...which can affect how often we can go at it, affects his Refractory period. When he was tested at age 45, the Encronologist told me his numbers were the NORM for men in thier 60's ..... YIKES!!! That darn comment worried me for months... but as I started reading books, I learned some men are naturally just LOWER all of their lives, my husband seems to be one of these....it just seems to fit... he has never been the aggressive type either. 

I feel what saves us is.... He is a "Physical Toucher", and the emotional connection he craves very much but if I was waiting around for LUST to overwhelm him, I'd have to starve him more than a few days...and I ain't willing to wait that long to find out. 

I bought this book 3 yrs ago out of pure curiosity....  He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It: Books....when my husband couldn't keep up with me (I was REALLY pushing it though!).... I started to question his desire .....us women tend to take this very very personal  ...it doesn't help we are more emotional by nature. Then when all we hear is women complaining their husbands want it all day, we want to scream & pull our hair out, it can be tormenting...wanting to be in those shoes. 

From the book...Statistical breakdown.....



> We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree...the following table lists in descending order the % of men who agreed with each of the causes.. Says the reason is seldom simple... may have physiological ,psychological or a cultural foundation, or even combined.
> 
> *WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED *:
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> So it was decades of being told no. That one makes the makes the most sense to me. I have seen guys that have turned down or off their sex drive because their spouse refuse to give them sex and they remain loyal. I wonder if a ZD could carry over into a whole new relationship with a whole new woman though?


Don't know or care. I am sure I'm too screwed up to ever have a normal relationship with anyone normal.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> Are you just ZD for your wife? or do you think about sex still at all, with other women?


Nope, the urge or drive or whatnot is dead. Deader than Elvis.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband doesn't do forums either but he is/was LD (it's climbing slowly but surely). His was due to me. I emasculated him early and often. Add in a splash of depression (mine) with being angry (again me) and a unhealthy dose of over the top neediness and well if that won't kill a drive I don't know what will.

I fixed all this years ago but it wasn't enough the damage was already done. So I had to pull back physically and give him space to want me again. Took 10 months. We still had sex but I quit pursing him and I did a 180. I was available but didn't chase. He began to worry that I'd leave him so he began to step up his game. 

We're a work in progress for sure but I'm very hopeful.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

RLD, you certainly don't come across as screwed up -- I'm very sad to hear that you feel this way.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the sterotypical man can't get enough sex so low drive men are probly not going to feel comfortable talking or sharing their low drive with others. 


not saying its right but thats what I think about the fact that not many men post about that they have a low drive and are fine with it.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Run like Dog, would you mind sharing your age?

Shiska, your story sounds great to be honest. That is awesome you got him to do oral and things have been improving. When I read some of these LD husband threads, I just can't even begin to think of an answer for them. Since they have a LD, chances are they aren't browsing the "sex and marriage" forum regardless, leaving noone to defend them.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> the sterotypical man can't get enough sex so low drive men are probly not going to feel comfortable talking or sharing their low drive with others.
> 
> 
> not saying its right but thats what I think about the fact that not many men post about that they have a low drive and are fine with it.


Agreed. If they know it is something they do not feel "comfortable" talking about, then they could understand why their wife would want the "idea of a normal" man with a higher drive though right? It's something they do not even want to talk about.

I do not like the word normal. 

I guess I just wonder how they justify making their HD spouse suffer. I mean, I see women everyday try to justify why their husband doesn't deserve sex or should only get it once a month, but I have never heard this from a husband.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> I guess I just wonder how they justify making their HD spouse suffer.


Don't flame me but I think some men aren't equipped to handle a modern HD woman. It's become a classic role reversal and I suspect we will see more of this in the future.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband is also L D. He's 33.

For the first year of marriage it was pretty much porn and masturbation that kept him from being intimate with me. He explained as a fear of rejection then, although it should be noted during this time that I never turned him down and that I also made it pretty clear that I wanted more intimacy.

He would do things such as masturbate in the shower while I was home and available. Make himself deliberately unavailable and busy. Wait until I left for work and watch porn for several HOURS after I left. Oh, and he often would tell me, "I'm just not a very *sexual* person."

Right.

When I became pregnant it got somewhat better. He was liberated of one of the ultimate consequences of sex, but soon withdrew because he didn't find me attractive. Ouch. 

Now, with the absence of porn and pregnancy, things have picked up and are HOT. We often don't have intercourse, (again - fear of pregnancy), so we mainly do A LOT of oral play and occasional intercourse. He's been initiating at least 2 or 3 times a week for the last several weeks. 

I have tried to get him to join the forum and post, but he isn't interested. He isn't really into talking about the relationship with me, let alone anyone else. It could also be because he knows I'm a member and perhaps won't be as able to talk about the things he wants to...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I don't know if I necessarily fit in this box, but here's the deal with me:

I was always the HD spouse. Over the past two or three years, I began to notice a few things. Oral and HJs were out, unless she got an orgasm out of the deal. Morning sex? Out. I noticed that she had totally stopped flirting or trying to seduce me, but that seems to go back a decade or more. Then of course there was the time or two she rolled her eyes at me when I initiated.

I've always been an attentive lover who ensured she "got hers". But now? It's tough being attracted to a woman who, at least apparently, isn't attracted to me. We're down to maybe 3 times a month and sadly it's more about release than it is connection.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

^^Mavash, I think you are on to something here. I consider myself to be a fairly alpha, HD male who is pretty modern and open-minded in my thinking.

My wife went through a hormonal shift a few months back, and went from being pretty LD to being HD over the course of a few weeks. We are pretty sure it was hormonal, because in additional to her sex drive changes, her skin became oilier, her pubic hair grew thicker, and even though she had been working out regularly for a long time, she rapidly gained muscle and strength. I even think her clit got larger, but she doesn't think so (she doesn't see it as often as I do).

I found myself feeling like I couldn't keep up with her sexually during this time, and at times it made me feel inadequate. Like I said, I consider myself to be modern in my thinking about sex and gender roles, and I was having a hard time adjusting, I couldn't imagine how a less "enlightened" male might have felt.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I can only guess at why my H was LD. Actually, I know he wasn't LD generally, 'cuz like I've said, he masturbated to porn several times a week, sometimes every day. He was LD for ME. Which makes it worse, right? (I took it personally too.) When I would ask him about it, the story would change. Once it was "because I'm getting old." The porn cancels that one out. Another time it was because I was asking at the wrong time of day (even though he would then spend several hours on the computer.) Again, big buzzer on that excuse. 

I suspect that there were a few things going on. Pot smoking was one. One that I wonder about is whether he thought sex was just too much work and / or he felt guilty about only receiving pleasure himself. So...something like, he knew I need to have clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Clitoral stimulation is a lot of work. Masturbating is so much easier and quicker. Hm. It all still comes down to being selfish, huh?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm not LD, but I have ignored my wife's advances some times. Sometimes she comes on too strong. She says stuff like "hey, do you want to get busy?" And I think, well yes I do but not if you just put it out there like that. Selfishness also comes into it. I mean, I get bored with the routine and I resent the "no's" and the years of very sparse sex so I just don't respond. Part of the selfishness is also that I have learned a few things. For example, my wife mostly wants to have sex if there's something (an orgasm) in it for her. I don't blame her for that, but left to her own devises she'll go immediately for intercourse. For me that feels like "roll over and f me sex" way way too routine and vanilla. But if I ignore her advances then most times she'll try harder. Ignoring her advances is pretty much the only way to get her to start with oral without resorting to pushing/guiding her down there. So if i want it to seem like "she decided" to give me oral to start/warm up then the way to do it is by ignoring her advances. Manipulative? Selfish? Ya, it is. And it sucks but if the alternative is "roll over and f me sex" then I don't feel like I have any choice. That kind of sex was adequate for a while, but no more.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> It seems the LD males are lurkers or just unable to use the internet for whatever reason....
> 
> ...We seem to have HD wives, LD wives, and HD husbands on the forum, but the elusive LD husband is hard to find. Maybe because it's like being gay? Something they'd prefer to just NOT talk about?



Maybe it's like being lost and refusing to stop and ask directions?

(Sorry, couldn't resist...)


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm not LD, but I have ignored my wife's advances some times. Sometimes she comes on too strong. She says stuff like "hey, do you want to get busy?" And I think, well yes I do but not if you just put it out there like that. Selfishness also comes into it. I mean, I get bored with the routine and I resent the "no's" and the years of very sparse sex so I just don't respond. Part of the selfishness is also that I have learned a few things. For example, my wife mostly wants to have sex if there's something (an orgasm) in it for her. I don't blame her for that, but left to her own devises she'll go immediately for intercourse. For me that feels like "roll over and f me sex" way way too routine and vanilla. But if I ignore her advances then most times she'll try harder. Ignoring her advances is pretty much the only way to get her to start with oral without resorting to pushing/guiding her down there. So if i want it to seem like "she decided" to give me oral to start/warm up then the way to do it is by ignoring her advances. Manipulative? Selfish? Ya, it is. And it sucks but if the alternative is "roll over and f me sex" then I don't feel like I have any choice. That kind of sex was adequate for a while, but no more.


Hmmm...I see some nuances of my relationship with my X. He didn't like it if I just came out and said "Wanna get busy tonight?" I think it was off-putting to him. But, I tried other ways of seducing him - like just brushing his junk with my hand, and greeting him at the door in only an apron, and that didn't seem to work either. Eventually it made me think he really just didn't want me to initiate at all and so I stopped. 

Our sex life became very routine too - it always started with him giving me oral 'cuz he knew that clitoral stimulation was the only way I come. But, he was only willing to do that once a month and I think he thought of that as a lot of work. I was willing to just give him BJ's without anything in return, but because I got the vibe from him that he didn't want me to initiate, I only did it if he asked. 

The connection part - I don't know if he ever felt connected to me emotionally during sex. After coming he would often jump up, clean himself off and go into the other room to watch a ball game. Eek. Worse than falling asleep. 

Seems like, once again, it comes down to good communication. But you can't do that by yourself.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For me, the direct asking is off-putting. But the subtle touching, or greeting me at the door in an apron...ya that totally works on me. With oral on her I'm in fairly new territory. It's only been in the last year or so that she's allowed it at all and I feel like I would be enthusiastic about doing it pretty much any and every time.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Don't flame me but I think some men aren't equipped to handle a modern HD woman. It's become a classic role reversal and I suspect we will see more of this in the future.


I hope that is the case. It works both ways, because more women would understand a man's frustration in a sexless marriage (or close to one). A woman telling another woman she shouldn't be so selfish seems to come across a lot better than a man saying it, and a woman thinking, "Of course he is saying it, he just wants to have sex!"


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

The apron thing would send me over the edge on the spot, I think.

And Working, I understand what you're saying. My wife will initiate every couple of months, about half the time with a line like "So are we going to fool around tonight or what?" And yeah, it's off-putting. Especially since she could easily get me going with simply "the look", let alone aprons.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

GTdad said:


> The apron thing would send me over the edge on the spot, I think.
> 
> And Working, I understand what you're saying. My wife will initiate every couple of months, about half the time with a line like "So are we going to fool around tonight or what?" And yeah, it's off-putting. Especially since she could easily get me going with simply "the look", let alone aprons.


Ok, good to know on the direct asking thing. I thought the apron thing would work FOR SURE. But it was incredibly awkward. He gave me a sexy kiss and then asked if dinner was ready. No sex ensued and when I questioned him about it, he turned it on me. Said there was something wrong with me that I thought we would have to have sex just 'cause I greeted him with nothing but an apron on. Something wrong with him, right?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

firebelly said:


> Something wrong with him, right?


Absolutely right. Pardon the candor, but I can't imagine him not giving you the business right there in the hallway.

But I guess everyone's different. Something that makes life interesting at times, and tragic at others.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've got a book called the sex starved wife and there are numerous reasons why men have a ld. She cites it affects about 30% of men. Having a dominating, controlling type wife was on that list. That would be where I fell.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm ZD. Zero. After decades of being told no by Her Highness that part of my brain shut off or burned out.



no pilot light?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don’t want my husbands posting here and I have so I’ll have to post from my perspective.

I’m very high drive. Have always been.

Both of them are high drive, or at least were when we dated and in the first few years of the marriages.

Husband #1 - married 11 years, together 16, divorced in 1996 – became more interested in other women. He also complained that I should do more to be more desirable to him. He would never say what that was that I could do. I admit I was tired and stressed out.
I owned an engineering consulting firm so I worked long hours. I was the major care take for our son. I arranged my office so I could have my son at work very often.

He was in medical school & residency through much of the marriage. I found out later that the issue was mainly that he had plenty of nurses and hospital staff (females) who were willing affair partners. And he had me to support him and take care of our child. Cake eater basically.

Husband #2 – married in 2000, divorced in 2012 – he decided on no sex 4-5 years ago. Says that he has ED. He will not go to doc to see about it. He’s not ED… he prefers internet porn and sexting. I’m smart enough to do the work to find this out. He has not worked in 10 years. So I'm the sole income earner for all those years and I raised our children, and did all the things it takes to take care of a household. He spends all day surfing the web, playing computer games and sexting when I’m not here. 

I have my faults. Like anyone I’m not perfect. But a person cannot fix things if the other will not talk to them and will not work on things. So when the withhold spouse also refuses to talk about issues, refuses to work on issues and sneaks around to do things like cheat, sexting, etc….. they IMH own the responsibility for the problem.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> For me, the direct asking is off-putting. But the subtle touching, or greeting me at the door in an apron...ya that totally works on me. With oral on her I'm in fairly new territory. It's only been in the last year or so that she's allowed it at all and I feel like I would be enthusiastic about doing it pretty much any and every time.


Just peeking in...can you guys explain why it's off-putting to just be directly asked? I am just curious if you could elaborate.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good question, Kag! My H loves it, because he spent many years in a virtually sexless marriage, plus he likes the whole contrast between my outer persona and my in-bed persona. But I wouldn't mind hearing more from the offput crowd.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

kag123 said:


> Just peeking in...can you guys explain why it's off-putting to just be directly asked? I am just curious if you could elaborate.


I guess because by my wife's tone of voice, she could be asking me to pick up a gallon of milk on my way home. But in my case, as I think with Working, there's more to it than that. It's the general feeling of not being desired. That this is just another occassional chore she's checking off her list.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, OK, GTDad, I misunderstood, I thought you were offput by the directness of it, as if it wasn't demure enough or something.

I get what you are saying now. Working, was that what you meant as well?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> It seems the LD males are lurkers or just unable to use the internet for whatever reason. Maybe they have a low internet drive as well. If you are a husband who no longer wants sex from his wife, or thinks your wife just wants too much sex, please come help us out. We have a lot of threads here where your opinion (no trolls - real husbands are needed) would really help. I'd like to understand was it years of rejection, is it the fact you are just not attracted to your wife, no longer interested in sex because she is boring in bed, maybe interested in another sex, porn addiction and prefer to masturbate or the drive for sex is just gone. I suppose I am more interested in a young to middle age guy that just has no sex drive. That seems to be the problem on the forums from some of these wives. No real reason, just no sex drive. If you could give us your age, that would definitely help some of us relate.
> 
> We seem to have HD wives, LD wives, and HD husbands on the forum, but the elusive LD husband is hard to find. Maybe because it's like being gay? Something they'd prefer to just NOT talk about?
> 
> Some of the threads here just completely blow my mind. I am not sure if the wives are exaggerating, leaving out a big piece of the puzzle, or just creating a problem from something they've created. I'd absolutely love to get some responses from the LD males.


I'm not sure my experience counts, but I think it's somewhat applicable and may explain how LD husbands operate.

Firstly, I'm not a LD man. I'm a HD and have been in all my relationships. However, in my first marriage, even though I was the one asking for it, I didn't really 'want' it. Rather it was more a case of having a need and only one source to meet that need. Just because I went to her for sex, doesn't mean it was a big thrill for me. 

The reason I say my experience might be applicable is because if I had to go through what I went through in my marriage as a LD husband, I can guarantee the sex would have likely dried up completely.

I'm not going to get into long-winded details here, for sake of people skipping over it as a tl;dr post. But my ex-wife really turned me off sex as much as likely is possible with me.

Even though I am the kind of guy who would take sex daily or almost daily if I could, by the end of our relationship I could go a week without even thinking about having sex with me ex-wife. The reason for this is I think I felt very emasculated by the end of the relationship.

Now in hindsight I also let it happen, but in a very slow way, over the course of several years, my wife wore me down from being an outgoing guy who would hang with his friends and party to a guy who was almost afraid to not rush right home after work and would rehearse how my day went down to the last detail just so I was sure to be able to answer any question she had. If I was five minutes late getting home, I had better have a good excuse, or the argument would come.

So Aristotle, when you say "was it years of rejection, is it the fact you are just not attracted to your wife, no longer interested in sex because she is boring in bed, maybe interested in another sex, porn addiction and prefer to masturbate or the drive for sex is just gone," I can say yes to all of the above except for being interested in another sex. Never had gay or bi thoughts. My sex drive would come and go, and in hindsight I think it had a lot to do with being looked down on by my ex-wife. I was laughed at for masturbating, so I lied and said I never did that and just became good at hiding it. Porn was looked at as so-so when we were first dating and became completely taboo after. 

I would say I lost my sex drive as much as I could lose it from the ages of 27 to 30, and we seperated when I was 30.

I know if I was a LD husband, all of the negativity she directed towards me would have pretty much destroyed my sex life completely early on. As it was, I'd say we had sex maybe once every two-three weeks over the last three years of our marriage, and that was only because I was a HD husband whose desire got the best of him and who had no other means of a release.

I think I stayed because I just assumed this is how marriage was and my family and friends didn't say much of anything. After we seperated, I was bombarded with a lot of "We figured your marriage wasn't good," comments, but no one really sat down with me and even asked if I was happy, and I felt like I had no right to complain because I genuienely thought this is how marriage was.

Thankfully, I've had a relationship and sexual 'awakening' since then and while I don't have an ideal sex life, I do have a decent one and I am constantly in the mood for my fiancee. My drive is as high as it's been in about 15 years, and while I am at times frustrated because I want more sex, I'm glad that I have the desire back to a level where I think it should be and I have the knowledge to know that what I want sexually and relationship wise is not out of left field. It's normal, healthy and justified. I'd love to be able to go to my ex, show her a site like this and just say "See, this is right, this is normal. I'm ok, not some weirdo creep."

I hope this helped and I hope I didn't distract from what you were trying to accomplish with this thread. Hopefully this thread will generate some answers for both men and women. Kudos to you for starting it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not sure I can put it into words. Maybe it's that it feels like she's being dominant and controlling. When you're denied for a long time, then when you get it it's always on her terms it seems unbalanced. I want her to respond positively to me, not pick and choose when I get some. Also, her being direct like that is like telling me I should have initiated but I failed to.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I found out when I married that my, now, ex-husband's sex drive was pretty well non-existent. I was a virgin when we married, so was clueless that foreplay would be the only thing on his agenda. He enjoyed arousing me, but apparently had little / no need for penetrative sex. I was told by a therapist that he was asexual.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I don’t want my husbands posting here and I have so I’ll have to post from my perspective.
> 
> I’m very high drive. Have always been.
> 
> ...


I'm assuming by now you've looked at that Great Porn Experiment TED lecture if not on your own then via one of my various posts including it.

What jumped out at me (and daggeredheart's story bears this out) is that INTERNET COMPULSION / ADDICTION is a component of porn addiction. That it's the pointing and clicking at an every more rapid pace (several windows open at a time, fast-forwarding through the porn, etc.) that is at the heart of the issue. In other words, the two are so intertwined, they cannot be separated.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Ah, Working, I do get that. Once again, context is all.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Oh, OK, GTDad, I misunderstood, I thought you were offput by the directness of it, as if it wasn't demure enough or something.


Yeah, it's sort of complicated, but let's put it this way: if I thought she was truly into me, I'd have no issue if she came out with a "Let's f*ck!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

keeper63 said:


> ^^Mavash, I think you are on to something here. I consider myself to be a fairly alpha, HD male who is pretty modern and open-minded in my thinking.
> 
> My wife went through a hormonal shift a few months back, and went from being pretty LD to being HD over the course of a few weeks. We are pretty sure it was hormonal, because in additional to her sex drive changes, her skin became oilier, her pubic hair grew thicker, and even though she had been working out regularly for a long time, she rapidly gained muscle and strength. I even think her clit got larger, but she doesn't think so (she doesn't see it as often as I do).
> 
> I found myself feeling like I couldn't keep up with her sexually during this time, and at times it made me feel inadequate. Like I said, I consider myself to be modern in my thinking about sex and gender roles, and I was having a hard time adjusting, I couldn't imagine how a less "enlightened" male might have felt.


Your's and Mavash's circumstances are not the major reason why most men who choose to stop having sex with their wives do so.

It does not explain why a man whose wife is HD and willing to give him alll the bj, all the hand jobs and anything else he wants just becomes disinterested in sex.

There are different issues that cause this.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

AS a wife who was denied sex for almost a year... I learned a lot along the way.

I'm the HD dominant type. Yup, I agree that being too overbearing or coming across like a "man" can kill things.

Men have egos and feelings (gasp!), They will harbor resentment just as much as women will, and if their ego (self esteem) is not really strong, they might drop sex if they are feeling "dissed". This flies in the face that men want sex, whenever. Not true.

Some men equate emotion with sex, and masturbation as physical release. they would never think of laying one out on their wife, they can't relate to their wife as a physical release. Some can. So if they are really stressed or not able to connect emotionally, masturbation is ALL they can manage.

The rest of the reasons? I quit looking. that was enough for me.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

"Maybe because it's like being gay? Something they'd prefer to just NOT talk about?"

Despite the obviously homophobic tone of the question the answer lies in the attitudes of non Refusers. Don't forget in a sexless marriage two people are not having sex and there are lots of men who don't want sex with their wives that would love to explain why and talk about it......but it isn't worth the grief.

So I doubt you are going to get very many male Refusers posting on here. The reason is simple, every time one does, whether it is here or especially over at the sexless marriage group on the Experience Project, they basically get crucified by the majority Refused. So don't hold your breath. I will say one thing though, this LD-HD stuff is not a good way to describe most of these men. Most refusing men in a sexless marriage have plenty of sex drive, just not for their wives. I suppose technically if you are talking just about the marriage then LD sort of describes it but the better way might be to call them NSIW- Not Sexually Interested in the Wife. Other women yes (whether or not they follow up with that) porn...often.....boredom...very common...lack of attraction definitely. But if you made a list of 20 reasons why some husbands don't want sex with their wives being a gay man trying to pass for straight in a marriage is #50.....unless he lives in some tiny ******* backwater somewhere down south and even then, in this day and age...........


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either. 

I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.


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## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

Okay... I'll bite. 

I'm 33, married for 3 years but have always been LD. Part of it is depression issues that are just coming to light. However, I'm content with sex once a month or so (I went years in college). I go through masturbation porn phases, but can often go weeks/months without even masturbating. 

However, at the end of the day there is always something else the exacerbates the LD. In our case, my W has gained a fair amount of weight, we had horrible communication issues and lots of resentment. This slowed things down immensely and I don't even want to have sex with her. The emotional and physical attraction has been totally poisoned. We are working with a MC, but it's tough. 

Cheers


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either.
> 
> I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.


Maybe you're a bad person because you CAN'T just use your wife for release? Hm. :scratchhead:

This helps explain more why you don't want sex to just be a chore for your wife - you want it to mean something (?)


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

J_3, while I appreciate you sharing, what are you working with an MC toward? you don't seem interested in continuing the relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bad because my wife may have felt I wasn't attracted to her. The balance wasn't always so balanced.....in the past I had learned to be somewhat satisfied with just a physical release.


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## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

lamaga said:


> J_3, while I appreciate you sharing, what are you working with an MC toward? you don't seem interested in continuing the relationship.


Agreed, I'm having a really down period in the relationship and it is probably coloring my opinion. 

The point was more that LD does exist, but other circumstances are typically exacerbating the issue. Finding the root of those issues is how you would address it.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either.
> 
> I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.


This is where I think the LD/HD battle of wills starts... one is usually willing to give more, the other doesn't want it simply given... this used to be an issue with my dh and I. Just because I was not as horny as him, didn't mean I wasn't willing to take the time, to love him. Initially however (young and nieve) I resisted but then I was like I love him, I don't want him going somewhere else, etc, so I started giving more willingly... but then he started complaining about that, that I wasn't getting off, I was like well it was for you... not me, and I wasnt a fish, I participated for him! It was a no win situation for me, because either way he was pissed, say no he's pissed do it and not get into it myself he isn't happy and the tremendous amount of pressure was unreal so we went through a rough patch, except him because he always got off, whether he says it was the "type of sex" he wanted at the time or not... that's what I don't get about men... but in any case... 
So then he agrees to meet me in the middle, to tone down his level and me amp mine up, but more on my own in my mind so that I am also happy with our sex life... so that goes on a while and things are good. Then, (hormones) my drive picks up, things are going along great, and BAM his drops out.... so now I see how it feels. It sucks. It sucks to just want some closeness and your spouse says no because they think something innocent means you want sex.... I would LOVE to see THOSE Men talk in here, not the same pissed off ones who refuse to compromise, or who have wives who refuse to compromise. For the record he is 35. Just over the last 10 months working out, dropped like 25 lbs, muscled up, looks great.... says he loves me, isn't interested in anyone else.... but then again some of the things I read on here, many men stay with their wives for their kids, and put on happy faces (I did at one point think he was interested in someone else)... We have been working on our relationship, but the desire just isn't there... (perfect example I come home today for lunch, we lay on the couch together he says I'm thinking... I said, oh about what? he said you naked and fell asleep about two minutes later) Nice huh... and I have lost weight too..... weigh less then I ever have since I met him (by a pound or two) so do I believe the one post on here that says he just doesn't want it with me? Because he is a man? He wants it somewhere? just not with me? I'm just curious because y'all are a curious bunch.... hard to understand and hard to figure out... and this is a crazy struggle.... he used to be so full of life, so touchy feely, even despite being turned down, never stopped him, he was groping, peeking tom in the shower, etc... now I barely get any of that... so the men who are not getting it from their wives under these types of circumstances, have they found it somewhere else? Clearly he is too young to have low T issues.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bad because my wife may have felt I wasn't attracted to her. The balance wasn't always so balanced.....in the past I had learned to be somewhat satisfied with just a physical release.


Ah...yes.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

My H has pretty much always been LD (for > 15 years ever since our very first hot dates together). I've always been HD but slightly less so as I age (we are in our 50's). I suspect my H might have low testosterone but I am still working up the nerve to ask him to get tested to find out for sure. 

I'm very interested to hear what happens with Shiksa's husband, if he improves after he gets shots for a while. Hm, I wonder if SA's husband has ever tried testosterone shots - it would be so interesting if he ever does (in the name of science) to find out if he then started chasing SA around the house and talking dirty.

I'm guessing it is partly a matter of low T for my H, but also his basic personality. He isn't touchy-feely, he is reserved, is very self-controlled and self-disciplined (he does no impulse eating or spending) and ultra-responsible, has an unvarying daily routine (sex throws that off I guess), and is not a risk taker. He is not overly beta - I would say he is a good mix of alpha and beta - he is thoughtful but not a 'pleaser' and is more of a leader type than I. He is not naturally physically or emotionally affectionate, e.g. he wouldn't come up and hug me but but he does like it and respond well if I hug him. 

He likes sex about once per 7-14 days. It is not unusual if a month goes by without him initiating. Until recently (we are currently trying to have sex more often now), I gave up initiating because I could tell he wasn't very into it and that hurt my feelings, so I decided to just wait until he let me know that he was. I have never said no to him and I enjoy giving him oral etc. (I would love to do any/all every day if I could). I ask him if he has any fantasies he'd like to try and he says 'I can't think of any'. I am the one who tries to spice things up, he would be just fine with the same vanilla sex in the dark (though he will go along with what I want).

He doesn't watch porn (he is almost never touches his computer or phone), not the affair type, doesn't seem gay, doesn't seem to masturbate (he wants to save his libido for me). He doesn't seem depressed or stressed or overworked, is healthy and fit (jogs daily almost without fail), and is not on meds. I am thin, and fairly good looking. We don't argue or have any tension between us that I'm aware of, but we seem mostly like household partners and co-parents as opposed to being sweethearts or lovers. I don't think I turn him on that much, but it is hard to imagine him being different with anyone else after the infatuation stage dies down.

I never brought up the subject that I'd like sex more often until just a few months ago. So recently I've been initiating again and he is responding somewhat well to it. I would say my H has 'responsive desire' as opposed to 'spontaneous desire'. When I initiate he sometimes seems a bit nervous, as if he is afraid he won't get aroused, and tells me 'maybe in a while, let's see what happens'. But then he always does get aroused if he comes back to me and lets me try.

He enjoys sex and is a considerate and gentle lover which is very nice. He is trying harder to initiate more often and that makes me happy. The only problem is that it is still not often enough for me and often it still slips to > 1 week in between. 

When I initiate, it is very important to give him some time to mentally prepare. I can't just jump him. I have to say 'Could we spend some time together sometime today or later tonight?' and give him the chance to choose the exact moment to come back to me.

Most LD husbands are not going to be on this forum unless they are men who became LD only after their wife continually turned them down for years, cheated on them, or shot down their confidence. Most guys who have always been LD are fine with it and don't think there is a problem (except for their Ws complaining about it). I do think my husband has always sort of known he is LD and probably is a little embarrassed if he stops to think about it, but doesn't feel it is a big enough deal to ask for help. He probably thinks it's it is on the lower end of normal. And it would be just fine if I were LD also.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As some have stated, not all husbands who do not want sex with their wives are LD. They just do not want sex with their wives.

When this happens, it if bothers the wife they the husband should be honest to the wife so she can leave the marriage. If he does not want to work on the marriage then just let her to stop wasting her time.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

J_3 said:


> Okay... I'll bite.
> 
> I'm 33, married for 3 years but have always been LD. Part of it is depression issues that are just coming to light. However, I'm content with sex once a month or so (I went years in college). I go through masturbation porn phases, but can often go weeks/months without even masturbating.
> 
> ...


It must be amazing to be free from this urge. I assume you have a great job, many degrees, and a lot of cool hobbies. Sometimes I will sit for hours thinking of what me and my wife did last night or what we will do tonight. It's almost a mental block that stops me from enjoying other things sometimes. I can be watching the greatest movie ever and if it's getting late, just want it to end so I can make love to my wife.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> Run like Dog, would you mind sharing your age?


Mid 50's ish


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

aug said:


> no pilot light?


Zero point Zero


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> As some have stated, not all husbands who do not want sex with their wives are LD. They just do not want sex with their wives.
> 
> When this happens, it if bothers the wife they the husband should be honest to the wife so she can leave the marriage. If he does not want to work on the marriage then just let her to stop wasting her time.


Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he does not like being married to her or, at least being part of the family they have created together. And it certainly doesn't always mean he doesn't want to stay married to her. Often when the sex stops they have been married for years, maybe decades. So how to you tell your wife that you are no longer sexually attracted to her without hurting her deeply?

Many men don't know the answer to this so they either say nothing or make up something vague. 

Often an excuse arises from the lack of sexual desire in that when he does try to have sex with her he suffers from sexual dysfunctions caused by a lack of desire and she only sees the dysfunction, not its cause, and so becomes focused on what she sees as a physical problem with no inkling of the root cause. This takes the heat off the husband as far as telling the truth goes because he can keep promising to go to the Doctor to get "checked out" but somehow never seems to find the time. Or, if he does go he gets a prescription for erection meds that he either never fills or doesn't take. Or, he says he has taken but they didn't work.

This obfuscation can end up going on for years and often the wife gets so frustrated and tired of nagging him to get his "problem" fixed that she just gives up. The husband, whose sex drive and erectile abilities are completely normal, can then carry on enjoying whatever sexual release he has come to prefer be it porn and masturbation, an affair or a buddy with benefits free from the pressure of a sexually unhappy wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he does not like being married to her or, at least being part of the family they have created together. And it certainly doesn't always mean he doesn't want to stay married to her. Often when the sex stops they have been married for years, maybe decades. So how to you tell your wife that you are no longer sexually attracted to her without hurting her deeply?


There are many cases where the husband does not want sex with his wife within a short time or within only a few years of marriage… when they are both young.
When the wife still wants to have an active sex life, and the husband refuses, he is already hurting her terribly.
Hurting her as badly as when a wife refuses to be intimate with her husband.



Mr B said:


> Many men don't know the answer to this so they either say nothing or make up something vague.


Is this really supposed to be an acceptable excuse? So you have no problem with women who refuse to have sex with their husbands? 
Sex is part of marriage. It’s emotional abuse for any spouse to unilaterally withhold sex from their spouse. Yes there are medical conditions, but there are ways to handle those and usually some solution can be found for even those.


Mr B said:


> Often an excuse arises from the lack of sexual desire in that when he does try to have sex with her he suffers from sexual dysfunctions caused by a lack of desire and she only sees the dysfunction, not its cause, and so becomes focused on what she sees as a physical problem with no inkling of the root cause. This takes the heat off the husband as far as telling the truth goes because he can keep promising to go to the Doctor to get "checked out" but somehow never seems to find the time. Or, if he does go he gets a prescription for erection meds that he either never fills or doesn't take. Or, he says he has taken but they didn't work.


Are you really suggesting that this is ok for a man to handle things this way? You have got to be kidding!!!! 


Mr B said:


> This obfuscation can end up going on for years and often the wife gets so frustrated and tired of nagging him to get his "problem" fixed that she just gives up. The husband, whose sex drive and erectile abilities are completely normal, can then carry on enjoying whatever sexual release he has come to prefer be it porn and masturbation, an affair or a buddy with benefits free from the pressure of a sexually unhappy wife.


I can hardly believe that you are suggesting this as a solution that is acceptable. What a piece of work. :slap:

So you are advocating a man lying to his wife and cheating on her? :scratchhead:

So what do you think of women who refuse sex with their husbands and then go out and have affairs? You ok with that as well?


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## charlotte2 (Dec 16, 2011)

Maybe theres not many ld men on here because they don't see there is a problem.

My partner hates to even talk about sex but when i do get him too he will always say there is no problem with him its just my problem because he is happy with what we have.

He also says if i want more initiate more which i do to get turned down and end up feeling worse.

I don't think i am boring in bed i'm in to trying pretty much anything as long as it only involves the two of us.

I've put on a bit of weight but not loads and i am losing it again. 

It is very hard tho when the one person in the world who i want don't want me as much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

charlotte2 said:


> Maybe theres not many ld men on here because they don't see there is a problem.
> 
> My partner hates to even talk about sex but when i do get him too he will always say there is no problem with him its just my problem because he is happy with what we have.
> 
> ...


 Read "Mr G's" post above. He seems to think that he knows why men choose to use sex as a way to emotionally abuse their wives. I have a sneaky suspicion that he's telling us how he operates. 

Take a close look at your husband. It is really worth feeling rejected all the time?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I can fully understand where RLD is coming from....

I dated my wife for about 4 years before marrying her 17 years ago. Whilst we were dating sex was never 'wild' but it was OK. After marriage and two children it dwindled. 
I so wanted to have a 'normal' sex life with my wife....I wanted spontenous sex, I wanted to have long kissing sessions, I wanted to go down on her, I wanted to hold her hand on walks, I wanted her to txt me in the middle of the day to say she couldnt wait for me to come home...wink wink! I crave that 'spark'.

I really tried to make these things happen....despite working 10 hour shifts (night and day) I would do more than my fair share round the house, with our children, buy flowers, go on dates with her etc.

She turned my advances down more and more often....she refused to discuss our lack of sex accusing me of being sex mad (I wouldnt call wanting to make love to your wife 2-3 times a week excessive!)
over time I simply became conditioned not to want or expect sex. 
It got to the point where I would have to make a specific effort (watching porn) to get turned on and masturbate simply to empty the tanks. If you dont have 'wet' dreams you need to empty the tanks or risk infections.

I really want to want my wife sexually...I want her to want me...sadly she makes virtually no effort....also she smokes (we both gave up 20 years ago, she started aagin about 2 years ago)....even if she hasnt had a cigarette for 6 hours and uses mouthwash etc her breath still smells simply repulsive...which doesn't help.
Her constant rejections over the years has also left me feeling resentful towards her...I have tried, and on the whole succeeded, in being a good husband and father yet she has denied me something that is very important not only to me but in any marriage.

So, like RLD I have been re-programmed. I am now at the stage where I want to re-program back to being sexually 'aware'.
I am 47.... I want to have a fulfilling sex life with someone I can really connect with...I want to give her mind blowing O's, I want her to want to do the same for me. As you get older you need more and more stimulation...I want to make the most of what I was given before it shrivels up and falls off!

So yes, I am sure there are lots of husbands who no longer want sex from their wives....because they have been programmed, by their wives, not to want it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Bad because my wife may have felt I wasn't attracted to her. The balance wasn't always so balanced.....in the past I had learned to be somewhat satisfied with just a physical release.


I don't think how you are as a person is bad or good... what matters is how your spouse perceives it. Communication. It gets more complicated if a guy thinks that way... and is also not able to just be affectionate without getting horny. So it's all or nothing. 

I also think there is a tendency there to hold resentments or judgements. And draw a line in your head between emotional connection and intimacy.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

7737 said:


> I can fully understand where RLD is coming from....
> 
> I dated my wife for about 4 years before marrying her 17 years ago. Whilst we were dating sex was never 'wild' but it was OK. After marriage and two children it dwindled.
> I so wanted to have a 'normal' sex life with my wife....I wanted spontenous sex, I wanted to have long kissing sessions, I wanted to go down on her, I wanted to hold her hand on walks, I wanted her to txt me in the middle of the day to say she couldnt wait for me to come home...wink wink! I crave that 'spark'.
> ...


I totally understand and relate to what you are saying.
However, I don't believe for one second that anyone has the ability to put 100% blame on their partner. 

Marriage is about learning each other's love languages, needs, and compromising until you are both happy.
There is always a solution, I do believe that. Different personality types CAN learn how to live together, if they learn how to compliment each other instead of aggravating. Sometimes it's just too hard of a battle, though. And too much of a sacrifice to your own morals and beliefs.

So if you are true to yourself, stick to your beliefs, and have boundaries, you will have no one to blame. You will be proud of yourself.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Deejov - thanks.... I hear what you are saying. Sure I'm not perfect....and I beleive in compromise, meeting half way. I do things I sometimes don't want to do...its life.
My wife has NEVER, and has sworn she never will, give me a BJ of any description. I even suggested I wore a flavoured condom...'Over my dead body'.

So whilst you can't place 100% blame on your partner, you can sometimes place 85-90%.

There are lots of women/wives out there, also some husbands/men though alot less, who simply arent interested in sex and won't even contemplate meeting their partner half way.

'I don't care what he wants...its gross, disgusting and I dont like it, so I'm not doing it. End of'.

(sorry for hijacking!)


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That is a great post deejov. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know, but I can really relate to not being able to use my wife for a simple physical release. Some girlfriends in the past, yes. But my wife? No. And I can't imagine that she would be receptive to that either.
> 
> I guess I'm just not willing to reduce my wife to a simple sex object to be used. I get the impression that some wives may be open to that as a small part of an overall good sex life, but for me I think it would be the beginning of the end for us.


You aren't a bad person. I view my fiancee the same way. If I ask her for sex, sometimes I'll get an "if you want to, I guess so," type of answer. I never take her up on it. I want her to want me too, not just be with me because she feels like 'yeah, it's been a while and he wants it so I guss so." My fiancee is not a sex object, she's the literally the other half of me when we make love. I don't want to sully that.



charlotte2 said:


> My partner hates to even talk about sex but when i do get him too he will always say there is no problem with him its just my problem because he is happy with what we have.


Maybe you should explain to your partner that in a relationship your problem is his problem and vice-versa. That's how a relationship works.

I had the exact same line used on me many times by my ex-wife. Any time I'd try to talk to her about sex, it'd last maybe 30 seconds and end with some comment along the lines of 'Well, I don't want it more. If you want it more, then go find someone else.'

Eventually, after I seperated from her, I did just that. 

I learned that life is like driving a car towards a brick wall. Why drive into the wall you can see coming when you can go around it and keep going down life's road? 

I hope you talk to him and explain how A) Your problems are his problems and helping you through them is what a good partner does, sex related or not, and B) The 'you deal with it' attitude is just driving a wedge between you.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Just to add one more comment to the thread about LD, explaining how the constant rejection makes you feel is key.

In my current relationship, We had a period of about 2 years where sex was about once every two or three weeks. Not enough for me, not even close. I'm a 2-5 times a week guy, so that was driving me crazy.

I tried talking about it a few times, and was blown off a few times, about it. FInally, I said to my now fiancee that it really hurts when I offer her my body, mind and soul in a very loving way and she feels it's more important to play a game of cards on the computer than even give having sex with me a fleeting thought. 

After explaining that to her and how really that was what she was doing night after night, she said she hadn't thought of it in that light before. We've upped our sex life noticably since then and in the 2-and-a-half years since, we've gone without sex for more than a week only once. It was eight days and she had a death in the family, so completely understandable.

I also said that our relationship had gone on for a length of time now that we needed to start dicsussing what we were going to do long-term, and explained that while I loved her, I wasn't prepared to commit long-term to a relationship in which a happy sex life wasn't available. 

Between these two points, it was a bit of a wake up call for her and she was willing to discuss things more openly. It really made a huge difference.

I'm not saying that anyone needs to use these comments to get the sex life moving at a better pace (though you can if it is true by all means), I'm just stating that if you can find the right angle to approach a conversation with your LD spouse, it can be what you need to get the conversation flowing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Not all dogs go to heaven. Sometimes the urban dance-off doesn't save the youth center. Not every problem is fixable.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> There are many cases where the husband does not want sex with his wife within a short time or within only a few years of marriage… when they are both young.
> When the wife still wants to have an active sex life, and the husband refuses, he is already hurting her terribly.
> Hurting her as badly as when a wife refuses to be intimate with her husband.
> 
> ...


Look... why the hell are you personalizing this? I am simply reporting on some of the things I have learned during years of research and years of therapy on the subject of sexless marriage. What I write has nothing to do with me personally and I neither agree or disagree with it....it is what it is. My situation is totally different and I never talk about it in any kind of detail online....ever.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Fascinating reading.

I have been posting about my problems with my "LD" H. Thing is, I have come to realize that my H ISN'T LD. I think on balance he is the same drive as he has ever been. It's just the perspective from me has changed.

For us there have been dynamics at play that a) I did not realize and b) could not have anticipated. I have realized that the frequency we have or do not have is not related precisely to how attractive he finds me but involves a handfull of different elements at play.

I feel like I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. For us, his "LD" factored in things including fear of pregnancy, tiredness from work, my correlation of how much sex we have = how attractive he finds me, my confidence and esteem issues after his EA and how he felt sex was more important to me than anything else. It has taken a little while to work all of this out. 

So I think now the libido WAS allways there but often expressed in different ways : sometimes it was sex, other times masturbation, porn or other methods that involved "selfish" pleasure for him whilst denying me ( that is, selfish in the context of dysfunctional rather than partaking in those activities as part of a healthy sex life.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Just because he doesn't want sex doesn't mean he does not like being married to her or, at least being part of the family they have created together. And it certainly doesn't always mean he doesn't want to stay married to her. Often when the sex stops they have been married for years, maybe decades. So how to you tell your wife that you are no longer sexually attracted to her without hurting her deeply?
> 
> Many men don't know the answer to this so they either say nothing or make up something vague.
> 
> ...


This sort of behaviour sounds most unhealthy and extremely abusive. If someone is simply no longer attracted to their partner, they should be honest and set them free so that they can find a more fulfilling relationship.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

This is a public forum, so everyone can post, and hooray for that!

Having said that, I agree with Cosmos and others above, Mr. B's ideas are a bit unproductive.

(See? That was nice. Wasn't I nice?)


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## Feisty53 (May 27, 2012)

My 57 yo husband has had medical issues that have wiped out his sex drive. Prior to that however, about 80% of the time when I would initiate, he couldn't perform. at all. It was frustrating for both and I didn't want him to feel any worse than I knew he already did, so I just stopped initiating. now, with his zd, and I am asking, he throws the no initiating in my face. I don't know if that is a defense mechanism, or if he has always been upset about this, with brain injuries, it is hard to tell. It is extremely challenging to talk about sexual wants and needs.. to open yourself up to that, when, at a later date, your partner uses that information to hurt you. I am not domineering, but I am not a doormat, either. Thankfully, he finally has consented to see a psychologist that specializes in sexual dysfunction and neurological issues, so hopefully some of this can be resolved. I guess I can live without penetration, if I have to, (He suffers from ED as well, right now), it is the closeness, really, that I miss. We had a frank discussion, and I am in a lose-lose situation. If I initiate right now, he feels too much pressure, and if I don't, I get blamed because "why should he always have to start it?". It got left at this. I will never deny or stop any advance from him, he understands that I am a willing and waiting partner. I will actively participate, but let him lead the way. This may not be the right approach, but until a doc gets in his head, it is the only one we have at the moment


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

deejov said:


> I totally understand and relate to what you are saying.
> However, I don't believe for one second that anyone has the ability to put 100% blame on their partner.
> 
> Marriage is about learning each other's love languages, needs, and compromising until you are both happy.
> ...


There is one time when I do put 100% (or the largest portion on blame on one partner)... when that partner refuses to do the work needed to improve the marriage.


We are all flawed. Everyone of us could do better. When one spouse is willing to work on fixing things and the other refuses then the blame for the marriage failure goes to the one who refuses.

I've seen this in so many marriages.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Look... why the hell are you personalizing this? I am simply reporting on some of the things I have learned during years of research and years of therapy on the subject of sexless marriage. What I write has nothing to do with me personally and I neither agree or disagree with it....it is what it is. My situation is totally different and I never talk about it in any kind of detail online....ever.


Then I appologize for thinking that your post was justifying the behaviors it described. 

I do believe that what you wrote is pretty much what happens in a lot of sexless marriages. Women do the same things... when we have some guy come here and complain that his wife stopped having sex with him, or she only does 'duty' sex, that is what is going on.

IMHO, to treat one's spouse in that manner and not seek to repair the marriage is emotional abuse.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Feisty, I have became totally addicted to the closeness of sex. The smell,talk,and acceptance. The vulnerable feeling of being nude together. At this point in my life, the urge to orgasm is leaving me, the need for closeness isn't.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Very interesting list. Wonder why so many women are afraid /unwilling to experiment in the bedroom?


Sometimes I think that we, as a society, as parents, do a really piss-poor job of educating people on relationships ...on marriage, on commitment, on sexuality (not sex, but sexuality). We need some relationship management courses more than sex education courses. 

For being such a sexually liberated society, people are still remarkably repressed. Seems like we have it backwards now ... it used to be that marriage was the safe place for you to have sex and to experiment ... now that all seems to happen outside of marriage. Crazy. :scratchhead:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Sometimes I think that we, as a society, as parents, do a really piss-poor job of educating people on relationships ...on marriage, on commitment, on sexuality (not sex, but sexuality). We need some relationship management courses more than sex education courses.
> 
> For being such a sexually liberated society, people are still remarkably repressed. Seems like we have it backwards now ... it used to be that marriage was the safe place for you to have sex and to experiment ... now that all seems to happen outside of marriage. Crazy. :scratchhead:


So true, but I found that our children did not want to talk to us about sex and relationships. They were sure they knew it all, and we old fogeys could not possibly have anything relevant to share with them. I think there is also a natural taboo for children to discuss sex with their parents.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Sometimes I think that we, as a society, as parents, do a really piss-poor job of educating people on relationships ...on marriage, on commitment, on sexuality (not sex, but sexuality). We need some relationship management courses more than sex education courses.
> 
> For being such a sexually liberated society, people are still remarkably repressed. Seems like we have it backwards now ... it used to be that marriage was the safe place for you to have sex and to experiment ... now that all seems to happen outside of marriage. Crazy. :scratchhead:


Amazing post.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> From the book...Statistical breakdown.....


I was in the category of denying myself trying primarily due to a combination of perceived resentment on her part along with her becoming very distant. But if I feel that I'm rightfully contributing, in any way, to their resentment, then it makes me greatly feel like I'm so very undeserving of their emotional and physical love and intimacy. 

But more importantly, when I am made to feel unloved, no matter what psychological or physical mechanisms that they choose to employ in so conveying that, I really don't want to have sex with anyone~ it just seems so cheap and surreal!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No, what's learned is the somewhat false and shallow urge to pair up an marry and stay married in the first place. Most people simply want to get married because that's what they think is what people normally do and are supposed to do. There's not a plan-B in the wings. So they hitch up with someone who's not a good fit....well she was waiting for Mr Right and wound up settling for Mr. Right Now....and so on. Same with guys. We infantilize men and think of them as stupid babies who can only be 'grown-up' by a woman who will more or less shove them in the direction of adulthood. And so we have all these men who walk like cattle through the process.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> That's exactly what the article I posted/read says, that people used to marry to be guaranteed sex; now it seems to be a refuge from it.


I think that part of this is that our society has idealize the 'in love' thing... you know that heady feeling that you get when you first meet and start dating someone who clicks with you. 

We now marry because we have this 'in love' feeling. But this is mostly a fleeting this. Apparently the human body produces certain chemicals during the first 1.5 years of a relationship which causes a couple to bond. After that period of time the feelings turn to a much quieter kind of love.

So with our modern culture many feel that the relationship is dead once they are not 'in love' in the same manner as they were early in the relationship.

If the couple stays together and works through the period they will come out of it with a much deeper love, but more and more people are not doing this. They run at the first flicker of the early love flame... and they go looking for the same feeling they had in the first few months of a relationship. Doing this causes people to move from one relationship to another chasing a fleeting heady feeling.

Our society values that 'early love'. It does not value long term marriage and the work it takes to stay together.

I cannot tell you how many times I've heard men and women complain about silly things in their marriage and people jump in telling them to just get a divorce. Seldom is there talk about how they can save teh marriage.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Im not ld or never was at least but you can cout me in. Married 15 years but have had a major decrease the last 6-9 months.....Im late 30s and its not that sex isn't enjoyable its just boring. The only reason its boring is because i feel like we have done everything. there is to do 10 times over.Im fine with sex every 7-10 days now......and even then its very routine feeling. The urge and desire to get freaky and tear it up has gone and left ;( we have always been very adventurous maybe a bit too much .....there are only so many ways to ride a bike
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> Im not ld or never was at least but you can cout me in. Married 15 years but have had a major decrease the last 6-9 months.....Im late 30s and its not that sex isn't enjoyable its just boring. The only reason its boring is because i feel like we have done everything. there is to do 10 times over.Im fine with sex every 7-10 days now......and even then its very routine feeling. The urge and desire to get freaky and tear it up has gone and left ;( we have always been very adventurous maybe a bit too much .....there are only so many ways to ride a bike
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting response.

My experience is also kinda weird.
Been married over 12 years, and sex was 2-3 times per week. But now we seem to be going in " cycles." Mostly my desire is like that. Sometimes we go at it every night for almost a week,then for the next 2 weeks, just hugging , rubbing ,spooning but no penetration. I will get erection etc. but no 
" aggression "., or drive. 
I thought to myself maybe its linked to my performance drive outside the bedroom. When i'm under tremendous stress from business, my sex drive [ aggression ] goes up. When i'm on a cycle in the gym same thing. [ I started weight training about four years ago.]
She initiate sometimes,so I meet her need.But the drive is not there.
Probably it could be that at this stage in my life my focus is different. I have passed through a lot of women before marriage, so at this point sex has no real pull on me. I am more driven to take risk and make money.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

lamaga said:


> This is a public forum, so everyone can post, and hooray for that!
> 
> Having said that, I agree with Cosmos and others above, Mr. B's ideas are a bit unproductive.
> 
> (See? That was nice. Wasn't I nice?)


Come on.....can you not tell by the way the post was written that it is reportage and not a first person account? There are no personal pronouns in it. Anybody who graduated from high school English would recognize the narrative format of the post. The information comes from THE NEW SEX THERAPY which is the "bible" used by the Sex Therapy Community. As I said in another post I NEVER talk about my own personal situation online to anyone. I am simply here to pass on what I have learned about this subject over the last 25 years.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Mr B said:


> Come on.....can you not tell by the way the post was written that it is reportage and not a first person account? There are no personal pronouns in it. Anybody who graduated from high school English would recognize the narrative format of the post. The information comes from THE NEW SEX THERAPY which is the "bible" used by the Sex Therapy Community. As I said in another post I NEVER talk about my own personal situation online to anyone. I am simply here to pass on what I have learned about this subject over the last 25 years.


I didn't take your post as your philosophy. I actually thought you were saying that this is the way it is and were kind of lamenting the fact, so I was surprised at the offense.


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## jenniferswe (Apr 23, 2012)

My husband experienced this. It turned out he had low testosterone. He been getting testosterone shots for several months now and is doing much better.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jenniferswe said:


> My husband experienced this. It turned out he had low testosterone. He been getting testosterone shots for several months now and is doing much better.


If you search Machiavelli's posts, he has specific advice for upping T naturally. The most important one was getting 8 hours of sleep. Find that post and share it with your husband. I may PM him to post the info but I'm not at my computer at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Go ahead, ready your flamethrowers. issed:


No flamethrower --- Couldn't agree more.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People are often reverse anachronisms. A few centuries ago this behavior would be entirely normal and accepted or they would join a nunnery or sit under the Banyan tree for 40 years and such.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Nope, the urge or drive or whatnot is dead. Deader than Elvis.


Elvis is NOT dead. I saw him just the other day on a road crew on I-75 NB in Ohio.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> People are often reverse anachronisms. A few centuries ago this behavior would be entirely normal and accepted or they would join a nunnery or sit under the Banyan tree for 40 years and such.


And a few centuries ago they were burning witches at the stake and banning people to an island for having scurvy when all they needed was to eat a banana.

Times change, so do needs and priorities. I for one am glad we live in an age where one of lifes biggest priorities is a happy sex life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> And a few centuries ago they were burning witches at the stake and banning people to an island for having scurvy when all they needed was to eat a banana.
> 
> Times change, so do needs and priorities. I for one am glad we live in an age where one of lifes biggest priorities is a happy sex life.


In every age, all the people in the first world, however that's defined, think their first world problems are tragic I suppose.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> In every age, all the people in the first world, however that's defined, think their first world problems are tragic I suppose.


I'm not sure who described their problems as tragic.

I feel for the Third world countries, truly. But just because we aren't there and are fortunate enough to live the life we have doesn't mean that we can't have problems or that we should just ignore them because we are thankful for not having it worse. The way to keep problems from becoming huge problems is to deal with them at an early stage, before they become huge. That's a good mentality for everything in life, not just sex.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i no longer want sex from my wife. i guess i could say that i wish things were different and we boffed like rabbits, but they arent.

the reasons i can reconcile:

resentment for her hoarding
lack of imagination (to vanilla)
shes kinda *****y, to schedully and listy
poor time management and crazy priorities
shes just not fun to be around

i came to this realization only recently, that i dont desire her anymore. i may actually not be in love with her anymore, still working that one out. i know she would have a list of things she doesnt like about me too.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i guess i should ad that i think my wife is fine without sex. its not as if i am turning her down, we just have eliminated it


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