# Wife 5 Years Kisses another man - PLease help



## Soulsick (Jul 13, 2010)

Me and my wife have been married for over 5 years now, we have 2 children, a 10 year old step daughter and 18 month old son. We've had a very rocky last couple of months due to my working constantly at a new job and some arguments at home. We've talked about setting up counseling sessions to help with this.

This last weekend, my wife's best friend, female, comes in from out of town and they decide to go downtown for the night, stay in a hotel and go bar hopping and shopping the next day. My wife never gets to see her friend often so I wish them a wonderful weekend and stay home with the kids.

Long story short here, they meet some guys who they invite to hang out back at their hotel at about 6am, they explain to both guys when they get their that they are both married and no one is having sex, they just wanted to hang out and drink some more. My wife's friend and the other guy end up passing out so my wife and the 1st guy end up going down to the swimming pool, he ends up kissing her, she pushes him back and tries to get out but he grabs her arm and kisses her again. At this point she doesn't resist and they kiss for maybe 5 min. My wife finally stops it saying it isn't right and they should go. Both guys leave the hotel shortly after that.

My wife initially lied about that evening when I told here I had a "sick to my stomach" feeling when she got home. Her stories we're suspicious, she was nervous and so was her friend. She lied and told me the whole story, but said it was her FRIEND that did everything she did. These guys' numbers were in my wife's phone logs the day after, so I google them and got the guys names and called both of them up. I explained I was married to one of the women and wanted to know honestly what happened and then they would never hear from me again. They both told me the same story, no sex, guy 1 passed out, guy 2 made out with my wife for maybe 5 min while other guy was passed out before leaving all together.

I confronted my wife then and after still trying to deny it saying ,"You trust two complete strangers over your own wife" she finally admitted to it. We had the typical argument of, we've been fighting and you don't wear your wedding band and I was stupid drunk and it will never happen again. The past day and a half now I haven't eaten, thrown up at least a dozen times and feel so completely soulsick that I had to call in to take off 2 days worth of work. I understand that we've had relationship problems, but we planned on working on them together and coming through it like always. She seems sincere on here apology and she is trying to give me my space to cope, but I need some advice. I love here with all my heart and soul, which is why I'm such a wreck. Sexual contact in any way would have been a cut and dry divorce, but this is that cloudy grey area that many couples deal with. Please someone, pass along some advice or similar experiences to help me understand/deal with this before I lose it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

This one is hard I mean its your wife and a stranger whom you have no clue so all you can believe at this point is your wife. My situation was with my H and my best friend so two stories from two people I knew. we are still married and its a stuggle but its worth it for our kids. Thats not the reason we stayed together but one of many. I love him and he loves me you have to think that we are all humans that make mistakes expecially when drinking and vunrurable. I would move on I know it hurts so bad you cant explain TRUST ME I KNOW. but if you love her leave it be take it for a stupid mistake and make sure it never happends again.. I am sorry you are dealing with this. really i am its horrible it took me a year. But mine was really crazy.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I'd say drinking plays a role, but, she lied!!!, now you will always think she has, or is lying, not saying she's going to do anything, but her making excuses says that she would try to justify any future fling if she wanted....and 'sunflower' staying for the kids sake is not always a good idea, but if you two are really and I mean both of you are really trying then maybe it will work, but if it is for the kids sake only, then you are cheating everyone out of being happy IMO.


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## robalocc (Apr 22, 2010)

It sucks what your going thru !! Ive been there and Im still there !! It was just a kiss though. You talked to the other guys, and the stories all were the same, I beleive it was only a kiss, and if your wife has done this in the past,I would imagine she wouldnt have stopped at "just a kiss", so she make a stupid decision, I think she regrets it , I think her common sense did kick in and she didnt allow it do go further, work on your marriage, and try to forgive her. Yes you will hurt and it will be a psychological roller coaster for you, but within time things will become much better, best of luck !!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't think you got the full story of the evening.

That story is so full of holes.

She and her wingwoman went out to pick up guys and they did.

Presume the worst.

You have only your wife's word that nothing more happened. 

And she went out without her wedding band?

She premeditated this.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

2Daughters said:


> I'd say drinking plays a role, but, she lied!!!, now you will always think she has, or is lying, not saying she's going to do anything, but her making excuses says that she would try to justify any future fling if she wanted....and 'sunflower' staying for the kids sake is not always a good idea, but if you two are really and I mean both of you are really trying then maybe it will work, but if it is for the kids sake only, then you are cheating everyone out of being happy IMO.




Your so funny I said it was ONE of the factors not the Factor of it. There is now way in hell I would stay with someone just for the kids. NOPE wouldnt do that to my kids! I love him he loves me and we are both willing to work through the issues we have thats what its about!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

RWB said:


> SoulSick,
> 
> I know you are in the dumper with what happened and I am not trying to "pile on". I do know what it feel like to be cheated on and then lied to and I do wish you the best...
> 
> But, in probable reality, this is not your wife's first rodeo. She just got caught this time. Cheater lie. Her behavior does suggest it. If you read around her a little you will see that "things" usally are a lot worse than when first expose.



WOW man talk about lifting spirits. this isnt true dont listen. She lied people react when they feel awful they get scared to lose all they have and that in this case is you. she made a mistake and it got to her. she didnt want to lose you so she lied we all do it.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

michzz said:


> I don't think you got the full story of the evening.
> 
> That story is so full of holes.
> 
> ...






I agree to a point. But I think that you need to ask her why she would remove that band? and why she is going back to men's hotel rooms k that right there is a BIG NO NO married or not


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Sunflower...I didn't mean you were staying for the kids..in general, you mentioned it as one of the reasons, I meant, that is great you two are seeing eye to eye on the issue:smthumbup:
you really are the exception!!!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya its hard no matter what the betrayel its hard to forgive and move on its differant for everyone some people think a kiss is nothing and some people think that sex is forgiving. it depends I know looking back as we get older this will be nothing. and I hope the same for all of you. Not to say that its been smooth man I have days when I am like wth was i thinking to stay but I think its from other things coming into the picture. but I do agree with you 2daughters staying for kids is a very bad idea.


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## confusedfella (Jul 5, 2010)

Sorry to hear what happened. A few months ago my wife started making out with a guy at work. After about a week she confessed. My first reaction was to divorice her. At this point I was unaware of any issues with our marriage. She wanted the spark like when we first met. She asked if we could do couseling to help fix her issues. Even though they never got past kissing it cut me to the core! Just the idea of her in another man's arms was devistating. Even though she says she is not interested in persuing a relationship with this guy anymore(who is also married) it bothers me that she sees him at work everyday. To say the least I was mad as hell! And still am a little. Now almost 2 months later I have come to accept what has happened and want us to move ahead. She tells me she loves me and wants to be with me but can't explain why she would do something so stupid that would throw it all away. It did get easier with me as time went on. And I hope it does with you as well. She must be upfront with all the details for you to get over it. If you keep getting more info as time goes on it will only keep setting you back. It was hard for me too but I kept telling myself it was just kissing. And hopefully with your wife it didn't get any farther than that.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Sorry to hear taht Condusedfella.


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## Soulsick (Jul 13, 2010)

sunflower said:


> I agree to a point. But I think that you need to ask her why she would remove that band? and why she is going back to men's hotel rooms k that right there is a BIG NO NO married or not


Neither one of us is wearing our wedding bands at the moment. I had mine on until our recent arguments and took it off, I still have not put it back on. It was a symbol that we needed work together, not a signal I wanted to split.

I'm trying to forgive this right now and working with her, already signed us up for counseling 2 days from now and asked her to answer the questions that matter most to me:

(1) What were you thinking? 
I know that's general, but I could have forgiven this pretty easily if it was in a bar, they kissed, she stopped it and then told me about it immediately when she got home. That's a mistake and telling me about it shows that she is sorry and wants forgiveness. 
Inviting 2 guys back to the hotel for more drinks before finally admitting to them that both women are married, that smacks of "wanting something to happen" and not a mistake. Lying to me till the bitter end when I got all the information coupled with the planned invite back to the hotel is what kills me. Drunk or not, she did it on purpose and wanted to experience that thrill, maybe not sex, but something.
(2) What are you going to do to show you still love me?
I know I need to work on showing more affection and being more hands on lovey with my wife. I'd give her affection every day of the week, but now I can barely put my arms around her without thinking of some other guy doing the same thing. This is going to be my biggest hurdle through this, getting past another man kissing my wife so that I want to be intimate with her again.


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## confusedfella (Jul 5, 2010)

Your questions are very valid but you may want to wait till your appointment with youe counselor. I found out if we talked too much about it it just set us back. Not to say it would happen to you. My wife had a hard time seeing things my way but with the counselor involved he was able to explain things in a way she could understand more. He basicly stated most of the things I said but she wouldn't believe me. She may feel cornered as well if this happens. Our first appointment was a week and half out from when she called and we almost killed each other by talking about it too much.

Best of luck


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree the one thing that our counsoler said to do is write things to each other in a note pad or to ourselves to take it out of our heads so we dont over do it with eachother expecially me.


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