# Confused with mixed actions



## jdg (May 21, 2015)

After 18 years of marriage I found that I could no longer even talk to my wife. Every time I asked a question, it turned into a " you're just jealous" or I have already told you once !
My questions surrounded a guy at work and when I would come by there would only be two cars left in the parking lot..Her's and his. The guy has a reputation of screwing around already and I tried to explain how it looked to me..Same answer. Then she started getting calls late at night or texting until 11 pm. Our sex life had almost stopped completely and the one time I did ask if we were ever going to have sex, she said you need to find your self a girlfriend..Well I did and that only made matters worse. I stopped trying to fix things and only became more angry with every "event". This went on for 2 years and now we have separated ( 1 month) I confessed to having an affair hoping to show her that I was trying to be honest but it has only led to more questions about who it was and what we had planned for the future..She hacked my cellphone and pulled an email I had sent where she was discussing buying houses and me getting through this...Absolutely crushed !!!! I had not told her everything was the theme !! And I guess I didn't. I have not signed the separation papers and have told her I would not unless she specifically said to which she has not..
She comes by occasionally ( I still live in the house) and now ask if I wanted her to make chicken salad and leave it in the frig !!
I have not challenged her about the guy at work, phones or anything else since we split, and have told her I wanted to try again...She just keeps saying that she needs time to get over the affair....Am I being played here and why can't she just say that we can try and work through this ???


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You should ask a mod to move this into the Coping with Infidelity section. 

You have a very complicated set of issues. 
Her possible affair.
The unhealthy state of your marriage prior to her suggesting you have an affair.
Your affair
Your separation
This potential reconciliation.

First you need to identify how you feel about reconciliation if it turns out she was indeed having an affair.

Second, you both need to come completely clean with one another on the details of the affairs.

Third, you need to do some thinking about why your marriage got so bad that it became sexless and why your wife tossed out such a stupid suggestion about you finding a GF instead of dealing with what was really going on in the marriage. If you don't do this part, your reconciliation will lead you right back to where you were before the affairs, eventually distant, disconnected, and sexless.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

its too F**cked up now dude, dump her start over with a fresh one... and do yoursef favor and dont drink the marriage kool-aid


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'll move this to the CWI section....


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Take my word for it my man; unless she's putting something on you besides chicken salad, she's stringing you along until she can get her ducks in a row.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your relationship is a two-way street of infidelity. She has the upper hand in your relationship. You are separated already. See a psychologist to build your self-esteem. Your wife has you wrapped around her finger and she has no respect for you. She is stringing you along as Plan B. Divorce her and move on. You deserve a better life than the one you have now which is in Limbo Land.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

You messed up having an affair.

That gave her the guilt break she was hoping for while she was on a path to her new man.

I don't condone divorce but this is messed up.

It would take two seriously open, honest and willing people to R.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Unfortunately you did not address the issue of her foul behavour to begin with. You rugswept her obvious indescretions and now she has jumped onto the moral high ground finding an excuse in your affair in the break down of your relationship.

Stop blaming yourself for the breakdown. Your wife ruined your marriage with her actions and quite possibly the affair with this bloke that is very likey she carried out.

Visit a Lawyer find out your rights and file. Do a 180 on her. If you really want to reconcile with her you must first be prepared to lose it all and she has to know this.

Otherwise until she owns her mistakes and stops blameshifting onto you nothing will ever change.

Truly sorry you are here


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