# Is a vasectemy the answer?



## loveisblind? (Aug 6, 2013)

Hi, I am new here but need some outside advice to help me sort through some of my thoughts and feelings... 

My husband (25) and I (22) have been married 3 years, together for 4, and have 2 children together (2yo DD and 3 months DS). We love them like crazy and are so blessed! But we definitely have changed a lot since we got together... We have a pretty rocky relationship to be honest but we are trying SUPER hard to make things work since we seriously love eachother and can't imagine either of us leaving when it actually comes down to it... plus we don't think it would be healthy to raise our children in a broken home... it's just not what we want even though we are struggling to hold our marriage together... 

As things are, my husband is 100% ready to get a vasectemy. He says he is happy with our family as it is, and that he didn't marry me for the kids we could have. He want's to be able to spend time with me and get out and have fun, be spontanious, and not have to work himself crazy to support a large family or shell out tons of money just to go out to dinner as a family. He also has discovered that he isn't exactly cut out for babies and looks forward to our young children to be a couple years older so he can be more interactive with them both.

I'm in LOVE with the baby years, and am a SAHM planning to homeschool our kids (which he is totally supportive of). I come from a HUGE family and always imagined myself having lots and lots of kids as well, but I'm also exhausted with the two, and don't really know that I want many more either...

I am not wanting to get on BC because of hormonal concerns, and hubby is really wanting to stop using condoms bc we enjoy being free in our sexuality and not tied to making sure we have one nearby etc... also, our second was conceived even though we were trying to be careful with condoms 

I'm pretty much on the fence about letting him go ahead and get a vasectemy mainly bc we are barely making it in our marriage as it is, and I don't want to lose him due to stress building up too much more, and I am pretty sure if we just continue natural family planning we're going to slip up and find ourselves pregnant again! (which we would accept as God's plan). Also, I really like the idea of being able to give him more attention and time as our kids grow. Personally, I would be thrilled to have another in a couple of years, but he definitely doesn't want 3 and says if we had a third he would want to have a fourth for the kid's sakes (he was raised in a family of 3 kids, and said one was always left out). But he doesn't think he can handle 4!

I know I have to sort this out in my own heart but I need some outside advice... any thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would go for the vasectomy. Your husband has been clear that he cannot handle more children. Your marriage is in trouble. Since you have no intention of helping to support the family financially and thus putting all that on him, he is the one who gets to decide the pressures he can deal with for brining in financial support.

You also say that you are already exhausted. If you do not have the energy for two children, you will have even less for more children.

Your desire for more children is a pipe dream in the life you actually have. Your husband is dealing with reality. I think that he's the one of the two of you have has a good handle on what needs to happen.

He is right in wanting more time with you. Remember that your marriage is the most important relationship in your household. Without a strong marriage, life will be a lot harder for your children. They depend on the two of you having a strong/happy relationship.

Get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Both of you would benefit from reading them and working on what the books say to do.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Another option is a non-hormonal IUD. That can help with the birth control concerns while you two work on your marriage and determine if you really want to go with the vasectomy. No need to rush into a decision.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You are both very young for that type of choice, some doctors may not even do it because of your age. 

What are your concerns about the hormones in birth control? I tired quite a few, I am currently loving the Merina IUD. I don't see much side effects so far over 1 year of wearing it. I am very forgetful for the pill, and the shots are too much hormones at once.


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## loveisblind? (Aug 6, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. We have been discussing this through for most of the day as a real possibility and I can tell that he appreciates me taking this seriously even though I used to be completely opposed to the idea... 

EleGirl - This part of your reply is sticking with me, and I have to say I completely agree! I'm concerned that if I were to get pregnant again by accident, stress would just escalate and we wouldn't have the chance to truly focus on eachother again for even longer - we only had 4 months of marriage before we got pregnant with our first, so we kind of jumped straight into the parenting thing! 



EleGirl said:


> He is right in wanting more time with you. Remember that your marriage is the most important relationship in your household. Without a strong marriage, life will be a lot harder for your children. They depend on the two of you having a strong/happy relationship.


We both have concerns with hormonal BC for health reasons since neither of us have talked with anyone who doesn't have additional side affects etc from the hormones, and also my grandma died of ovarian cancer due to taking hormone supplements for 30+ years. I have offered to take something and he just isn't comfortable with it as an option. I guess too if we are going to not have any more kids I'd rather not string myself along thinking "maybe" he'll change his mind, or giving myself the chance to hope we might become accidentally pregnant again even though we have decided not to. I almost feel as though if I don't just make a decision for once and for all, if he never changes his mind (which he says he won't) I may grow to resent it a little. I also know I would have to back him up, and be a united front 100% when our parents find out... But still the thought of making such a decision makes my heart a little sick.
Maybe it's hormones? I am a nursing momma...


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

From what you have said now would be the worst time to have another child so do not rely on "natural birth control" as with even the most self controlled and well meaning couple can "slip up".

You are both still young and no one knows how they will feel in 5, 10 or 15 years time. Just because you husband does not want any more children now does not mean that he will NEVER want more children so I would advise against a vasectomy.

As others have said try a IUD or barrier methods.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Gonna add my two cents....

You say your marriage has problems now. What worries me is, if he has a vasectomy and decides to cheat, there would be no chance of getting someone else pregnant. Therefore easier to cheat.


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## loveisblind? (Aug 6, 2013)

dormant said:


> Gonna add my two cents....
> 
> You say your marriage has problems now. What worries me is, if he has a vasectomy and decides to cheat, there would be no chance of getting someone else pregnant. Therefore easier to cheat.


Thank you, however I don't see cheating as much of a concern in our situation since if pregnancy were any factor in whether or not he cheats on me, then I would kick his sorry @$$ out whether or not he actually followed through with it.  

Also he is very strongly and openly repulsed by the idea of anyone cheating in any relationship (he has been cheated on before) and I am confident he wouldn't put himself in that position to risk hurting me in that way... Not to be naive or insensitive to anyone who has been through that but it's just not something I am very concerned about. Plus our sex life is spectacular and we are both very satisfied in eachother sexually - it's the one area we don't conflict.  (a huge factor in us wanting to be sure to keep sex a main priority in our relationship)

I have explored the option of a non-hormonal IUD a couple of months ago when our son was born, and will look into it again before we make any permanent decisions. =)


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

He is kind of young to be doing this now. I decided at age 40 that two kids was enough, and that I *100%* knew that I'd never want another with my W, or any other woman.

If he has any doubt at all...wait.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

It may not even be an option for you guys. He will have to find a doctor willing to do it and for someone so young they usually aren't. Though it may help you already have two kids.

I'm 29 with no kids, and while the wife and I might adopt a kid in a few years. We know we aren't going to have any of our own. Neither of us are ready for a kid anytime soon and we don't expect to be ready for another 3-5 years. She's already 35 so that would really be pushing it for her.

I've not been able to find a doctor that is willing to give me a Vasectemy.


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## Awe (Aug 16, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> He is kind of young to be doing this now. I decided at age 40 that two kids was enough, and that I *100%* knew that I'd never want another with my W, or any other woman.
> 
> If he has any doubt at all...wait.


I was 23 when I had my vasectomy. My wife and I had just had our 4th child. That was our cut off point  . She wanted 6, I wanted 2, so we compromised. 

I had no problem finding a doctor (I only saw 1).


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"We both have concerns with hormonal BC for health reasons since neither of us have talked with anyone who doesn't have additional side affects etc from the hormones, and also my grandma died of ovarian cancer due to taking hormone supplements for 30+ years. I have offered to take something and he just isn't comfortable with it as an option"

Just FYI birth control had made major changes for safety, 
Birth Control Safety and Side Effects - Birth Control and Your Health - Health.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

You can't have a baby with someone who doesn't want one. Who'd want to bring a child into that?

A lot of DRs will not perform vasectomies if the marriage is on the rocks. This is what I have heard anyway. Too many men remarrying and wanting reversals apparently.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Just my experience...I don't know why a doc would refuse this. In my case, he just called my W and me into a room, described the process and told us that there would be no guarantees if we wanted a reversal. There was no talk about how good/bad the marriage was.


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