# Sick of watching porn...



## ouixch (Jan 4, 2012)

I'm sick of having to turn to porn. Also sick of fighting about sex. I don't want to jerk off to porn, I want to have sex with my wife. We have sex usually about twice a week, which is mostly her trying to make me happy, but my sex drive is five times what she thinks it is (I've come to the conclusion that most women have absolutely no concept how strong a normal guy's sex drive is). 

Fighting with her about it isn't going to solve anything, and just ends up with me getting less sex and her feeling bad. I'm 30, she's 32; married about 6 years. I'm completely into her, and she's satisfied......apparently I'm just more than she can handle. 

I don't have a problem with porn per se, but it is a band aid. Wife could care less if I watch porn, especially if it gets me to stop humping her leg. 

We are both happy in our marriage in every other respect, just mismatched libidos. I guess I'm just venting on here, since I won't talk about our sex life with friends.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

ouixch said:


> I'm sick of having to turn to porn. Also sick of fighting about sex. I don't want to jerk off to porn, I want to have sex with my wife. We have sex usually about twice a week, which is mostly her trying to make me happy, but my sex drive is five times what she thinks it is (I've come to the conclusion that most women have absolutely no concept how strong a normal guy's sex drive is).
> 
> Fighting with her about it isn't going to solve anything, and just ends up with me getting less sex and her feeling bad. I'm 30, she's 32; married about 6 years. I'm completely into her, and she's satisfied......apparently I'm just more than she can handle.
> 
> ...


have you tried just flirting with her and making her fell wanted and desired all the time with no expectation of sex?
maybe if she felt that you were paying her this attention without expecting sex it would make her feel better which may lead to more sex.

i learned this the hard way.


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## ouixch (Jan 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> have you tried just flirting with her and making her fell wanted and desired all the time with no expectation of sex?
> maybe if she felt that you were paying her this attention without expecting sex it would make her feel better which may lead to more sex.
> 
> i learned this the hard way.


Yes, we are very affectionate with one another. And I make an effort not to bother her with sex more than two or three times a week, basically adhering to our agreement (that we would have sex twice a week, she gets one night; I get one night). I am in love with my wife and enjoy cuddling and kissing too. She just has a much lower sex drive than I do, and she's a vanilla type of person......whereas I'm more of a Rocky Road.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> have you tried just flirting with her and making her fell wanted and desired all the time with no expectation of sex?
> maybe if she felt that you were paying her this attention without expecting sex it would make her feel better which may lead to more sex.
> 
> i learned this the hard way.


I'm convinced that this is by and large bs. Flirting is a part of the sexual ritual. To flirt with no expectation of sex is just cruel.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I'm convinced that this is by and large bs. Flirting is a part of the sexual ritual. To flirt with no expectation of sex is just cruel.


i dont think so.
i think you have to make them feel wanted, desired and sexy.
that in turn MAY lead to more sex by them wanting it.
im talking about saying things, little touches, texts and such all through the day every day.
if it doesnt then there are other problems that need to be worked on at the same time whether it be emotional, physical or other wise.
maybe by the time you decide to do it, it is too late in her mind.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i dont think so.
> i think you have to make them feel wanted, desired and sexy.
> that in turn MAY lead to more sex by them wanting it.
> im talking about saying things, little touches, texts and such all through the day every day.
> ...


the problem with this advice is filrtation should work both ways.

if you have to flirt with her or she is indifferent then theres no balance.I like to flirt but if I'm the one expressing all the desire then its get old. 

espically as I get older . its get old being the only one in a relationship who shows desire.

desire should be both ways or eventually resentment builds.

OP:
you say everything else in your relationship is good.
but I wonder if like you say she don't know how strong your drive is you don't know what her needs that arn't being met are.

like you guys are keeping it a secret from eachother.


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## ouixch (Jan 4, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> OP:
> you say everything else in your relationship is good.
> but I wonder if like you say she don't know how strong your drive is you don't know what her needs that arn't being met are.
> 
> like you guys are keeping it a secret from eachother.


That is entirely possible, but I've asked repeatedly for her to discuss. She always says that she just doesn't have much desire, not that she is unhappy with anything. Going today to speak with her doctor about changing birth control and check for hormonal issue. She's also asked me to leave it alone for a while since we've argued ad nauseum about the subject. 

I'm an open book, she can ask me to do anything differently and I'm open. I take her satisfaction as a matter of pride.


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

ouixch said:


> That is entirely possible, but I've asked repeatedly for her to discuss. She always says that she just doesn't have much desire, not that she is unhappy with anything. Going today to speak with her doctor about changing birth control and check for hormonal issue. She's also asked me to leave it alone for a while since we've argued ad nauseum about the subject.
> 
> I'm an open book, she can ask me to do anything differently and I'm open. I take her satisfaction as a matter of pride.


It sounds like I wrote this. I screwed some things up in my marriage so fix it now or you could be headed down a path you don't want to travel down.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

ouixch said:


> I'm sick of having to turn to porn. Also sick of fighting about sex. I don't want to jerk off to porn, I want to have sex with my wife. We have sex usually about twice a week, which is mostly her trying to make me happy, but my sex drive is five times what she thinks it is (I've come to the conclusion that most women have absolutely no concept how strong a normal guy's sex drive is).
> 
> Fighting with her about it isn't going to solve anything, and just ends up with me getting less sex and her feeling bad. I'm 30, she's 32; married about 6 years. I'm completely into her, and she's satisfied......apparently I'm just more than she can handle.
> 
> ...


Then turn off the porn and start learning what turns on your wife - and not just in a sexual sense. 

As her husband, you hold the unique position of being an inspirational leader - both sexual and non-sexual -in your wife's life. Do you take advantage of that? Probably not, because it is not always easy to do, and it is much easier to complain or hope or 'hump our spouse's leg' hoping for their change, than it is to spur our own.

So, I throw down the gauntlet and challenge you to become the kind of husband, the kind of leader that your wife needs in your marriage. See, if you can do that, you may be surprised at how your wife's flagging libido can be raised from the dead. And I sincerely doubt that she is really so happy with everything - she is just existing in a dormant state, so now's your chance to wake her up. 

Best wishes.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Then turn off the porn and start learning what turns on your wife - and not just in a sexual sense.
> 
> 
> Best wishes.


:iagree:


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I call BS on Jamison and Enchantment...

ouixch, good luck, it will likely never get any better.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I call BS on Jamison and Enchantment...
> 
> ouixch, good luck, it will likely never get any better.


HUH? :scratchhead:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Why are you calling BS? Jamison and Enchantment are trying to suggest a way out of his predicament. It may not work, but he should try to woo his wife. Sexual relationships are complicated, and it is worth the effort to save the marriage.

Some women have low libidos, and the high drive partner should explain his need for connecting sexually. He should be understanding, and take small steps to lead his wife toward a mutually satisfying sex life.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont mention counselling. Mentioning it makes it worse.
I would ask do you do anything really together sitting at the same table. Even if its only a jigsaw or a board game.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

To the OP, so has her libido always been lower than yours? Did you go into the marriage knowing this, and thinking maybe hers would just magically match yours after marriage?? Or did her libido drop off at some point recently?


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Jamison and lovesherman,

Because she sounds exactly like my wife. They are perfectly content and from their perspective everything is great. You can try to woo them, ask them to go to counseling (they will refuse because "nothing is wrong"), and it likely won't change.

At least for my wife she just has no interest in sex any longer and it is basically an obligation/chore. She enjoys it when we do but if it didn't happen she wouldn't care either.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Jamison and lovesherman,
> 
> Because she sounds exactly like my wife. They are perfectly content and from their perspective everything is great. You can try to woo them, ask them to go to counseling (they will refuse because "nothing is wrong"), and it likely won't change.
> 
> At least for my wife she just has no interest in sex any longer and it is basically an obligation/chore. She enjoys it when we do but if it didn't happen she wouldn't care either.


BUT, just because you feel your wife wont or hasn't changed, doesn't mean someone elses wife wont or can't change. I'm not saying for sure the OP wife will or wont, just saying you can't think that just because one person is like this that ALL people are.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Have you tried telling her that sex is the way that you connect to her emotionally? Some women think that sex is only physical, and they do not understand how important it is to keeping intimacy in the marriage.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

CalliLilly,

Yes I know, I was just being a bit resentful today I guess. I used to be able to work from home 2 days a week which were my only shots at getting any so now that I have to be to work every day I'm feeling a bit pissy.. Sorry..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I also could have written the original post and some of the follow ups. Eventually, at 43 years old, I moved out. I wasn't willing to continue in a life I wasn't happy with, with someone who didn't care enough about me to be even attempt to work on making things better.

Since moving out, I've been seeing someone new. It was too soon after my separation, but that's another story. She's my age, but had put up with a sexless marriage for too long as well. In the past 10 months, I think I've had about 7 years worth of "married sex", and it's often wild monkey sex rather than vanilla pudding sex. So it is possible to change your life, if it's a high enough priority to you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Her dive will kick in. Mine took a little longer(37) due to a spine/neck injury, but I'm the one who wants it daily! My husband surprised me and I got it twice in one day! Yay me!

We went from no sex to sex 5-6 days a week. My husband never once showed dissapointment when I turned him down in the past. We do take a few days off every month for my monthly. I can't during that time no matter how much I want to. I try not to be pushy when it comes to this matter. My husband never was pushy.

Anyways, 2 days a week actually sounds pretty normal. Some men/women don't get it at all or 1-2 times a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jillsafool (Jan 4, 2012)

Why don't men have any self-control? Even if you have a higher sex drive, you need to learn how to control it. Women don't want sex everyday and shouldn't feel that they need to satisfy every urge of their partner 24/7. Get a hobby.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

CallaLily said:


> To the OP, so has her libido always been lower than yours? Did you go into the marriage knowing this, and thinking maybe hers would just magically match yours after marriage?? Or did her libido drop off at some point recently?


Good question! :smthumbup:


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Speaking from personal experience (my wife has a higher libido than I do)... I discovered that a large part of my issue was that I was going through a pretty serious depression and just unwilling to admit it. Once I started going to personal counseling, I found that I as my mood balanced out my desire increased.

Also, and I've found that this is key: I'm a lot more prepared for sex--and thus able to enjoy it more--when I can plan for it and look forward to it. If my wife just grabs my package while we're watching The Office, it throws me off. But if I can text her throughout the day about what I'd like to do in the evening, it builds an anticipation for me.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby,

There is no way you can substantiate that. My wife probably had as high or higher drive when we met. Went down (as expected) when kids came in to the picture. It has never returned and she is now 44. And (at least for me) it isn't about the quantity. We could have it every day and it still wouldn't feel like she actually wants to be there.

PBear,

Unfortunately that is about where I am at. I actually told her prior to the holidays that I will start looking for a new place after the new year. Unfortunately that is half-hearted. I do love being with her and she is great to me.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

jillsafool,

You substantiate my remarks, thanks.


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## ouixch (Jan 4, 2012)

So I'm back from work now: why is the immediate assumption that I'm a lousy husband and not meeting my wife's needs at all? We've had many conversations, and I'm pretty convinced that unless she is flat out lying to me, she isn't unhappy about anything. The idea that me doing the dishes more is going to make my wife want sex six days a week is absurd, I have probably 50% more testosterone in my system than she does, that is the #1 reason we have different levels of desire. If we weren't having sex at all, I'd listen to that. Also, the "put the porn away" is nonsense. I'm not turning my wife away for porn, I turn to porn when my wife turns me away. I made that clear. I'd be more than happy to give up porn, but not for sex twice a week.

jillsafool, by the same logic: women should just be quiet, I don't want to clean or help around the house every day. The idea that you can just get a hobby shows that you are clueless with regard to men's sex drive. Listen closely, there is only ONE substitute for sex, which is the point of this thread.

For several thousand years men have gone to great lengths over sex. Men routinely throw away their careers, their families, and their futures over sex.....that should not go unnoticed when you are trying to "understand' why he is the way he is


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Since your sex drive is so much higher and you keep on mentioning that, and you are complaining about your lack of sex you get from her twice a week, then just divorce her and find someone whose libido matches yours. 

No one here is saying sex is not important, but I think some people concentrate way to much on that part of their life. Twice a week isn't bad. There are some people here who are lucky if they get it twice a month and some twice a year.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

ouixch said:


> So I'm back from work now: why is the immediate assumption that I'm a lousy husband and not meeting my wife's needs at all? We've had many conversations, and I'm pretty convinced that unless she is flat out lying to me, she isn't unhappy about anything. The idea that me doing the dishes more is going to make my wife want sex six days a week is absurd, I have probably 50% more testosterone in my system than she does, that is the #1 reason we have different levels of desire. If we weren't having sex at all, I'd listen to that. Also, the "put the porn away" is nonsense. I'm not turning my wife away for porn, I turn to porn when my wife turns me away. I made that clear. I'd be more than happy to give up porn, but not for sex twice a week.
> 
> jillsafool, by the same logic: women should just be quiet, I don't want to clean or help around the house every day. The idea that you can just get a hobby shows that you are clueless with regard to men's sex drive. Listen closely, there is only ONE substitute for sex, which is the point of this thread.
> 
> For several thousand years men have gone to great lengths over sex. Men routinely throw away their careers, their families, and their futures over sex.....that should not go unnoticed when you are trying to "understand' why he is the way he is


I truly believe your testosterone is way high! You deffo come across that way.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ouixch said:


> So I'm back from work now: why is the immediate assumption that I'm a lousy husband and not meeting my wife's needs at all? We've had many conversations, and I'm pretty convinced that unless she is flat out lying to me, she isn't unhappy about anything. The idea that me doing the dishes more is going to make my wife want sex six days a week is absurd, I have probably 50% more testosterone in my system than she does, that is the #1 reason we have different levels of desire. If we weren't having sex at all, I'd listen to that. Also, the "put the porn away" is nonsense. I'm not turning my wife away for porn, I turn to porn when my wife turns me away. I made that clear. I'd be more than happy to give up porn, but not for sex twice a week.
> 
> jillsafool, by the same logic: women should just be quiet, I don't want to clean or help around the house every day. The idea that you can just get a hobby shows that you are clueless with regard to men's sex drive. Listen closely, there is only ONE substitute for sex, which is the point of this thread.
> 
> For several thousand years men have gone to great lengths over sex. Men routinely throw away their careers, their families, and their futures over sex.....that should not go unnoticed when you are trying to "understand' why he is the way he is


how about a compromise you can ask her to up it to 3 times wkly


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## Debbie Roxs (Dec 30, 2011)

How about doing an exchange. Do something she loves like a 1/2 hour back rub and she can reward you with a hand job. It can work as long as it is done willingly and playfully.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

ouixch said:


> So I'm back from work now: why is the immediate assumption that I'm a lousy husband and not meeting my wife's needs at all? We've had many conversations, and I'm pretty convinced that unless she is flat out lying to me, she isn't unhappy about anything. The idea that me doing the dishes more is going to make my wife want sex six days a week is absurd, I have probably 50% more testosterone in my system than she does, that is the #1 reason we have different levels of desire. If we weren't having sex at all, I'd listen to that. Also, the "put the porn away" is nonsense. I'm not turning my wife away for porn, I turn to porn when my wife turns me away. I made that clear. I'd be more than happy to give up porn, but not for sex twice a week.
> 
> jillsafool, by the same logic: women should just be quiet, I don't want to clean or help around the house every day. The idea that you can just get a hobby shows that you are clueless with regard to men's sex drive. Listen closely, there is only ONE substitute for sex, which is the point of this thread.
> 
> For several thousand years men have gone to great lengths over sex. Men routinely throw away their careers, their families, and their futures over sex.....that should not go unnoticed when you are trying to "understand' why he is the way he is


Where is the sarcastic font? 
The answer is always that the men are defective and are somehow not meeting the wife's needs. That's why she won't do you. See it's that simple. She's not laying you because you are just not a good man. And why do you disgusting men need sex anyway? It's just perverted. So base.  

Seriously, Sounds like you've been down this road a lot. If you have tried marriage counseling, it may be time to get out that piece of paper with the line down the middle. Good and bad on opposite sides of the line. Is the "everything-else-that-is-good-about-her" good enough to compensate for the lack of sex? 

What if you divorce and marry a nymphomaniac that beds you twice a day, but then lies about affairs? Or she has an alcohol addiction? You may then wish you could go back to the nice days of your original marriage. Which except for the sex, sounds pretty funcional. 

You are not getting what you need. Counseling is probably the best bet. But only you can decide what is most important to you. 

Take care.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

jillsafool said:


> Why don't men have any self-control? Even if you have a higher sex drive, you need to learn how to control it. Women don't want sex everyday and shouldn't feel that they need to satisfy every urge of their partner 24/7. Get a hobby.


Ya right...control your very natural and carnal need for sex....with your OWN WIFE!

Unreal.


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## sandyhands (Dec 13, 2011)

I think some of you here really want to push the idea that there is something wrong with a woman who doesn't naturally desire sex everyday...and even if you can mentally wrap your head around the fact that the particular woman you're with actually does have a lower sex drive then it goes to 1. her hormones must be off if she doesn't desire it as much as I do! or 2. you are somehow entitled to push the other person to more sex (or gripe about it) but don't want to have to deal with them not actually wanting to but doing it anyway. No. 1 may be true, but not always so what are you going to do then?

That is a never ending cycle of thought processes that is not going to get anyone anywhere.

Wallow in self-pity if you must, but actually trying to do something that the other person may like is well...TRYING. Does that mean that she (or he) will immediately magnify the amount of sex/week by 2 or 3? No. Acknowledging that we all should be mature about our sexual desires is not the same as saying that anyone here that wants sex more than their significant other is somehow a bad person/lover/spouse etc. Just maybe something you do COULD open the person up to being more affectionate or having sex more often. That is simply a suggestion. If you don't want to work on your marriage/relationship, then fine, but making the other person feel like something is wrong with them and they're such horrible people for not having the same drive as you do or they're not emotionally connected enough to you to allow them to want sex is not the answer either.

There are definitely more options than just porn when it comes to being with a spouse/partner that has a lower libido or simply doesn't want sex, but if that works for your relationship, by all means... Enough said.

I think it is unfortunate that some of you talk about sex or lack thereof as if it is the only way you can feel loved by your spouse/partner and without it, you feel like someone has done something grievous to you. If that is truly the case and your lower libido parter cannot satisfy you with other displays of physical affection and attention, and it HAS to be sex, then I feel more sorry for your partner than anyone. The message, even if not blatant, can't be far from "you will never be enough for me" in the same way that some people feel rejected if their partner doesn't want sex.

I do understand that daily physical touch is important to SOME men and women to feel loved. Everyone, no matter gender, is different. I do understand that sex is important. Very important. But the way some of you talk about it, to me, cheapens it, and this is coming from someone who happily loves on the lover boy every single day at least once. Would I be perfectly fine without it some days? Yep, but it's an investment to me for both of our happiness, and it's even better because he's come to the point that he wants to understand my needs as well. My drive is even higher because my love bank is full now too. Forget sexual drive for a second because that doesn't tell the whole story (nothing does). Why is it that the other spouse doesn't want to have sex when he or she knows the other does, even if a lower drive exists? And is the higher drive person immediately leaving the room once sex is off the table or is he/she still available for cuddling? For some people, that makes a difference. There are a lot of questions that could be asked and answered. I am aware, though, that some people are not coming here looking for results or ways to possibly make themselves, if not their relationships, better (not good instead of bad...better instead of good).

Also, just because someone doesn't say something is wrong doesn't mean that there isn't anything that could be better. 

One other point, the whole women should be quiet thing is just plain disrespectful and ignorant. You could learn something from women who have a lower drive than their spouses and still want to have sex with them as often as the higher drive spouse would like, and do so happily and enthusiastically. Fooling yourself into thinking that every man wants sex every day (or a few times a day) and all women don't and couldn't understand since they don't, is definitely not going to help your situation. Major ignore button to anything else you post.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Some people whine because their spouses libido is to low, well maybe some are to high. 

I have heard some people tell their spouse go to the doctor get checked out to find out why their sex drive is low. Well, I guess the same could be said for those whose sex drive is high. Get checked out to find out why its off the charts. 

Stop complaining about how the low sex drive person seems to be the one with the problem, it could actually be the other way around.


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

You know, I feel this guys pain. Guys just seem to have to work and work just to get a woman to respond. To me, if your in a marriage where you have to constantly pour on the emotional connection stuff just to have a good sex life, it's time to find a partner that matches your same sex drive.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Jwayne said:


> You know, I feel this guys pain. Guys just seem to have to work and work just to get a woman to respond. To me, if your in a marriage where you have to constantly pour on the emotional connection stuff just to have a good sex life, it's time to find a partner that matches your same sex drive.


:thumbup: Yeah. :iagree:


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

sandyhands said:


> I think some of you here really want to push the idea that there is something wrong with a woman who doesn't naturally desire sex everyday...and even if you can mentally wrap your head around the fact that the particular woman you're with actually does have a lower sex drive then it goes to 1. her hormones must be off if she doesn't desire it as much as I do! or 2. you are somehow entitled to push the other person to more sex (or gripe about it) but don't want to have to deal with them not actually wanting to but doing it anyway. No. 1 may be true, but not always so what are you going to do then?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Sandyhands, imagine if this read like the following and tell me your reaction:

I think some of you here really want to push the idea that there is something wrong with a man who doesn't naturally desire giving affection everyday...and even if you can mentally wrap your head around the fact that the particular man you're with actually does have a lower desire to be kind or affectionate then it goes to 1. his hormones must be off if he doesn't desire it as much as I do! or 2. you are somehow entitled to push the other person to more affectionate or loving things (or gripe about it) but don't want to have to deal with them not actually wanting to but doing it anyway. No. 1 may be true, but not always so what are you going to do then?



Wallow in self-pity if you must, but actually trying to do something that the other person may like is well...TRYING. Does that mean that she (or he) will immediately magnify the amount of affection or kindness/week by 2 or 3? No. Acknowledging that we all should be mature about our desires for affection/kindness is not the same as saying that anyone here that wants affection/displays of love more than their significant other is somehow a bad person/lover/spouse etc. Just maybe something you do COULD open the person up to being more affectionate or being lving more often. That is simply a suggestion. If you don't want to work on your marriage/relationship, then fine, but making the other person feel like something is wrong with them and they're such horrible people for not having the same desire to display love or affection as you do or they're not sexually connected enough to you to allow them to want affection/love is not the answer either.


I think it is unfortunate that some of you talk about affection/kindness or lack thereof as if it is the only way you can feel loved by your spouse/partner and without it, you feel like someone has done something grievous to you. If that is truly the case and your less-affectionate parter cannot satisfy you with other displays of emotional attention, and it HAS to be affection/kindness, then I feel more sorry for your partner than anyone. The message, even if not blatant, can't be far from "you will never be enough for me" in the same way that some people feel rejected if their partner doesn't want kindness/affection.

I do understand that daily emotional touch is important to SOME men and women to feel loved. Everyone, no matter gender, is different. I do understand that affection/kindness is important. Very important. But the way some of you talk about it, to me, cheapens it


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