# I am looking inside of me for an answer



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I have come to a realization that I have a bunch of issues and have been very angry about many things in life. I have been angry because I feel as if I am always working and I want to have fun and live a certain lifestyle however I seen to be trapped in lots of responsibilities along with having to do a lot.

In addition I have noticed that I have an inability to relax around sex and intimacy especially with my wife perhaps because I am trying to be perfect or perform to a level that she feels satisfied therefore over thinking something that should be simple.

In addition I have been making her wrong about energy and her not wanting to spend time with me however I guess from her perspective why would you spend time with someone who seems upset or not present when it comes to wanting to be with someone.

I seem to have most of life going well when it comes to results with business or making money I get to channel my energy and sexual energy into my work and creativeness around business.

The main issue I am facing is myself at this point. I can do all of these complicated things in the business arena or creative ventures and make them work however I seem to be missing some basics that are really eating at me..i cant get get the intimacy or sex i badly want ...

I feel stuck in life at a point where it doesn’t really matter how hard I try or who I speak with or what I do - I am stuck around sex and intimacy - coaches, talks, books, etc . I am stuck not getting what I want and not knowing how to be a different way in order to feel satisfied and even go down the road that I want to take because i am probably trying to use a rocket ship when I should be walking.

Its really easy to blame others and say that there is something wrong - however its hard to look closely when perhaps you can’t actually see what is going on truly. Perhaps its because I want to have a close relationship with my wife and be romantic with her yet - perhaps I need to love myself first, let go of the anger and the frustration and purely welcome love from people .. Perhaps I am not receiving because I am so used to pushing out energy to get results that I truly have gone into push mode and doing and giving expecting to receive something and getting frustrated that I am not receiving love, affection, sex, intimacy - yet how can I receive if i don’t stop, and be open to receive - I know i want badly to get affection, intimacy and sex to the point that its painful and hurts me.

I literally feel as if I am going very crazy from lack of sex and affection when I feel I give so much, work so hard and am married… I feel very trapped … perhaps I need to stop doing so much and start listening, asking questions, getting curious, wondering - and receiving lessons from people and life and really get my wife and who my family is ..

I have been working so hard on me - I have lost 30 lbs, 3-4 belt sizes and I am back in the shape when I was in the marines but better, the progress I have made with my trainer over the last year has been incredible.

I have changed my whole diet to organic and only vegetables and fish and have altered my whole self.. I look very good on the outside however I now have more energy and want to get more physical with my wife and yet I can’t…. because she isn’t into it as much, but perhaps because I am looking for something from her - however the energy and the vibe I am putting out is that I want sex- and I feel as if I should have it being married.

Looking at many of the experience I have had I know I enjoy sex and its fun for me and empowers me, makes me feel validated and gives me fuel - however me feeling wanted to and desired turns me on massively and i crave that so much… it hurts ..

As I think about how I have worked on my outside - now I must work on my inside. For i believe i need to become on the inside what I want to to attract on the outside. I have realized that because I have only had sex about 20 times in the last year I have become resentful, angry , and really frustrated. I don’t really want to masterbate because i strongly feel that I should not have to and should be able to have sex if I want it.

I also feel a bit like its a waste for me to do this to me when I am married and want my wife to want to do fun things with me and for her to take an interest in growing in a sexual way with me because its exciting and fun.

I have listened to my wife from her having no energy, not feeling well, resenting her and being angry with her for her not be interested in doing the same and perhaps by me listening to her that way - that is who she has become … vs what I truly want in our relationship …

In addition my wife reminds me that for centuries i have been weird around sex…yet I don’t want to be weird around sex.. yet i tend to be to worried if my wife wants me when I initiate thereby causing me to be squeamish around what I want with her and something how I truly feel because I am listening to her to be reactive and not like my choices or what i am doing which thereby puts me in my head deep in thought vs. being present .

I am really angry. I want to have some kind of sex 2-3 times per week with her and have it be something she wants to do as well vs it being a one way street .. Since we have fallen into this work work work , every day pattern and ignoring the sex part … perhaps we have created a pattern that doesnt allow for intimacy in our days or nights …

I don’t know - I do know that I feel so trapped in a box that it really now has caused me to reflect on what i am doing - and tonight my wife told me how me thinking she needs to go to the doctor, she has no energy and something is wrong with her makes her feel bad and that she doesn’t want to be around me if that is what I think… how I make her out to be the bad guy and have all of these issues…

Perhaps she does need to see a doctor however perhaps the way I am listening to her makes her feel more damaged and besides it turning me off to be with her thinking she’s not into it for some reason - perhaps that listening turns her off as well..

Right now everyone is sleeping and I feel that i need to find an answer and the funny thing is - I am scared about living the rest of my life trapped in a pattern that causes us not to get closer, have a sexual life that is fulfilling and that evolves. That is the scary part - being in this - working and doing all of this with no fun and satisfaction in an area I want to work sooooo bad.

Right now I am walking around angry because I am not having any sex, blaming my wife, and frankly I a hoping if I look deep enough into me that I can solve this puzzle and riddle. I have the ability to make as much in a month as some people make in a whole year - yet I can’t seem to figure this puzzle out - perhaps its so simple I missed the answer..

Perhaps me taking the time to write this out and think deeply around my listening and who my wife is for me right now - maybe that is the answer to the riddle - that I need to listen from a different place - right now I feel very disconnected even though I seem to be responsible for the household, finances and driving a career and being a father - yet working on all of that doesn’t entitle me to any sex if I am not in the right mind to warrant any sex..

So now I am thinking about some hypnotherapy, some altering my energy to a more positive place, meditation and morning walks and get aways with myself to try and bring back my peace and freshness… Because honestly all this work , gym and pressure of life with no sex is massively getting me right now and its probably not helping me get any sex or intimate connections with my wife ..


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

A year ago I could have written this post easily. I worked almost 70 hours during the week and wanted more. I had a side repair business that I did another 15-20 hours at during the weekend. My whole life revolved around making a living and nothing else seemed to matter. Time spent with my wife was hurried and rare. 

One day though I woke up to the fact that our marriage was in shambles, we lived like room mates and rarely had sex. Also the sex we did have was nothing to write home about and unsatisfying. Changing all this meant a new way of thinking for me. I had to shift my priorities from my work to my family and marriage. Initially I beleived that if I slowed down working my lifestyle would suffer and I was hesitant to say the least. But after a few more months of misery I decided I had nothing to loose. I won't lie and say it was easy. I felt guilty turning down clients to spend time with my wife and daughter at first. And also was worried about what my employer would think of me because I was often not willing to work the endless hours I once was. 

One year later I cantell you its the best decision I've ever made. Now I actually feel guilty taking clients on the weekends and often worry that I'm working too much during the week. My relationship with my wife is light years better than it was and our sex life almost took off. No,not didn't happen over night, and it took quite a while for my wife to get used to the new me. But I wouldn't go back to where I was for anything. Oh, I don't miss the money at all. Would have had trouble spending it alone anyway. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

thanks for the response ...
I do appreciate it .


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

happybuddha;

good for you for working on yourself and getting in shape.

good for you also that you realize now that you need to work on your inside. The golden rule seems to be that 'the harder we try to please someone else who is intractable, the less they appreciate it'.

So, the advise often given here is to detach. Not to ignore your wife, but to not depend on her for your happiness. Become happy within yourself and by your self and one day you wake up and realize that even if she was gone, you could still be happy.

Then you are your way to fulfilling the eightfold path.

I think you are on the right track.


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