# Nervous to post, but need advice



## Paige1 (Jun 4, 2013)

Hello everyone. I have been reading here the last few days and I decided it is time to post. I am sorry in advance as this will be vague because I am not usually an open book. 
Anyway....my marriage is really going downhill and I feel guilty for even thinking of leaving. I was raised to believe that divorce is only an option if one person cheats. That has not happened, but I am miserable. I always believed that there was hope, but when is it just okay to say no more? I always thought love would always be enough....I feel like such a failure. The hard part is that I can see what our marriage could really be......how long do I hold out for "what could be?"


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Don't be nervous to post ... that is what this site is for. 

You really need to provide more detail in order for people to be able to help:

A good place to start would be - 

1) What would you describe as the problems within your marriage
2) What have you already tried to save your marriage?

Holding out never works. Things have to change and sometimes that requires a lot of hard work. I would guess you wouldn't have reached this point if you hadn't already tried everything you can think of. Give us some more information and maybe we can give you a few ideas or provide additional perspective.

I'm where you are right now. That's why I'm here. I don't know if I will be able to save my marriage but TAM has been very helpful.


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## EllaB (Jun 1, 2013)

I think a lot of people are raised that marraige is forever and there are a lot of unhappy childhoods because of it. I thought so too and am beginning to imagine the other side as a place of peace. After reading the stories here I certainly am not in nearly the worst marraige but I know I deserve happiness. You do too. You said love is not enough. If you both are still in love with each other there is hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Why are you feeling the marriage is a failure Paige1?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I read it 3x. I didn't read anything in regards to sex. So i'll give vague yet direct responses. 

Does your partner beat you?
Are they physical/emotional abusive to you or your children? 
Is your partner suffering from addiction? 
Is your partner lazy/doesn't help around the house in any way?

I'm not giving you a reason to divorce. All of those issues are HUGE red flags that should be worked on. 

If you guys dont get along because one of you dont like the way the other one folds the laundry. Well...lol.


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## Paige1 (Jun 4, 2013)

Thank you all for the comments. For me, the main problem is that he gets very angry and mean and it keeps happening more and more lately. Nothing physical. A couple weeks ago I stepped in when he was yelling at our son and calling him names. I asked nicely for him to stop and that we will talk about it later and then I became the worst person/wife/disrespectful person. Obviously there is a lot of history leading up to that.....honestly I know I have played my part too. Anytime we try to talk about anything it ends up with him erupting with anger and he always assumes the worst of me and the kids. This anger and negativity is too much for me. I do not want to bash or anything so I am trying to go about asking for help without crossing any lines of disrespect. 

As far as addiction....there is always some sort of addiction/obsession that takes over his life. I miss being in a relationship/friends/companions etc. I know we love each other....I can post more later....just on a short break now. thanks!!!!


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Paige1 said:


> Thank you all for the comments. For me, the main problem is that he gets very angry and mean and it keeps happening more and more lately. Nothing physical. A couple weeks ago I stepped in when he was yelling at our son and calling him names. I asked nicely for him to stop and that we will talk about it later *and then I became the worst person/wife/disrespectful person. Obviously there is a lot of history leading up to that.....honestly I know I have played my part too.* Anytime we try to talk about anything it ends up with him erupting with anger and he always assumes the worst of me and the kids. This anger and negativity is too much for me. I do not want to bash or anything so I am trying to go about asking for help without crossing any lines of disrespect.
> 
> As far as addiction....there is always some sort of addiction/obsession that takes over his life. I miss being in a relationship/friends/companions etc. I know we love each other....I can post more later....just on a short break now. thanks!!!!


What you have done becomes important. Big difference between trust issues because you came home late that one time or because you had a EA/PA. 

Either way sounds like counselling would help both of you whether you stay married or not.


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## Paige1 (Jun 4, 2013)

No trust issues or anything. Mostly he thinks don't respect him . I try very hard but now anything that I or the kids do is seen as disrespectful. I am usually just trying to not get yelled at, but any opinion or idea different than his leads to a fight.....one mistake or wrong word seems to be the end of world....very dramatic and I am always upsetting him...to the point it seems like there is no right answer because he simply just wants to be mad. That is how it feels anyway.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My first husband had anger issues, still does to this day. He was the same way, any differing opinion or idea, or slight criticism sent him over the edge, it was ridiculous. He still refuses to believe he needs help. I couldnt live like that, I left him.


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

Paige1 said:


> The hard part is that I can see what our marriage could really be......how long do I hold out for "what could be?"


Dont be like me and waste 30 years of your life waiting for what could be, because it probably will not be with this person. I just informed my husband of 30 years that I felt we were at an end and that I needed to leave. If you are truly unhappy and your husband is not being the man he needs to be in the marriage then you owe it to your self to move on and seek the HAPPINESS you deserve...... I AM!!


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I'm here to play devils advocate. 

My ex-wife used to comment on how sweet, loving, calm, and patient I was with her all the time. 

Then for 3 months straight she told me she was in love with another man. Did a few things that was disrespectful. 

Now, after this, almost anything set me off. Not saying or making an excuse for myself. I handled it the wrong way. Wont do it that way again.

Your confident, he hasn't suffered from something similar? If not from you, maybe in a previous relationship?


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## Paige1 (Jun 4, 2013)

He has had a very rough childhood/life. I have been there with him through great trials etc. I think he lacks coping skills and just gets angry at the world and gets in these cycles/funks. In terms of the respect it is mostly about parenting our kids...but now even an opinion or discussion on anything seems to be the end of the world. Too much drama for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paige1 (Jun 4, 2013)

Over the last few weeks I have been staying with relatives anytime the yelling starts and he says by not being home I am basically wrecking any chance we have to save what is left of our marriage. Why does he even want me there when we cant get along????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Doubt&Wonder (Oct 29, 2007)

Paige1 said:


> Why does he even want me there when we cant get along????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From my 30 years of exp in a marriage thats been falling apart for many of years now...... men not letting go has more to do with ownership (their property) than it has to do with love once the great divide has happen.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Paige1 said:


> Over the last few weeks I have been staying with relatives anytime the yelling starts and he says by not being home I am basically wrecking any chance we have to save what is left of our marriage. Why does he even want me there when we cant get along????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm so sorry but your husband is angry, emotionally & verbally abusive to you and your children (name-calling).

I honestly feel that you need to remove your children from that environment unless he can change.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Well were still being vague. 

Lots of people have rough childhoods. Lots come out alright, some not so much. 

As it time to give him an ultimatum? Have you considered MC? Have you told him, (if its true) that you love him dearly, we need to go into MC to fix whats wrong? Did you follow through and make an appointment? 

Also MC isn't necessarily about fixing a person, but learning new skills and ways to cope with each other so you can start rebuilding the relationship. 

It is not a silver bullet.


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