# Wrong about there being hope



## calvin

Hello all,I had posted in reconciliation area awhile back because I thought things were looking up,now I'm petty sure we're headed for divorce and its ripping me apart. I pay for everything and have always looked out for our familys future,work a lot of hours and do a lot around the house. She pretty much has never worked,wouldnt futher her education beyond high school even when I offered to pay for it,shes not motivated much has no plans or goals,she does just enought to get by.I did have a temper which I realized needed to change,I went to ic and have not raised my voice in four and a half months.When she told me five months ago she wanted out it brought me to my knees,yup I cried,begged and pleaded for a chance,wrong I know.I think she went a power trip then. I sarted kissin her @ss for a while.Last night I gave her a list of things about her I feel needs some work.(she admitts no fault or blame in this).She feels counsler and me are ganging up on her.Lack of sex is a big one for me,been this way awhile,she doesnt like me flirting with her. She pursued me years ago because she said she could tell I had my sh!t together.Couple years after she had me sex went way down.Anyway the D word is being thrown around again,I wonder if she is looking to get the same reaction out of me again and the power trip.I think tonight is our third and last MC session.I havent broken down in front of her but its hard to put on the act that I'm ok with it.I find it hard to function right now especially at work were I must be careful, have had a few guys killed in the plant and lot of cut off limbs.I can usually rise to just about any challenge but this is hard,I hate not knowing whats going to happen to us and our kids.God this s*cks.Thanks for letting me vent and listening.
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## Acorn

Hang in there Calvin. No matter what happens, you will be ok and you will still be your kids' dad. Take care of yourself.


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## NoCode

calvin said:


> Hello all,I had posted in reconciliation area awhile back because I thought things were looking up,now I'm petty sure we're headed for divorce and its ripping me apart. I pay for everything and have always looked out for our familys future,work a lot of hours and do a lot around the house. She pretty much has never worked,wouldnt futher her education beyond high school even when I offered to pay for it,shes not motivated much has no plans or goals,she does just enought to get by.I did have a temper which I realized needed to change,I went to ic and have not raised my voice in four and a half months.When she told me five months ago she wanted out it brought me to my knees,yup I cried,begged and pleaded for a chance,wrong I know.I think she went a power trip then. I sarted kissin her @ss for a while.Last night I gave her a list of things about her I feel needs some work.(she admitts no fault or blame in this).She feels counsler and me are ganging up on her.Lack of sex is a big one for me,been this way awhile,she doesnt like me flirting with her. She pursued me years ago because she said she could tell I had my sh!t together.Couple years after she had me sex went way down.Anyway the D word is being thrown around again,I wonder if she is looking to get the same reaction out of me again and the power trip.I think tonight is our third and last MC session.I havent broken down in front of her but its hard to put on the act that I'm ok with it.I find it hard to function right now especially at work were I must be careful, have had a few guys killed in the plant and lot of cut off limbs.I can usually rise to just about any challenge but this is hard,I hate not knowing whats going to happen to us and our kids.God this s*cks.Thanks for letting me vent and listening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was a nice “victim puke”, we all have ‘em…

No one can predict the future for you, but now is not the time to cry and beg…what that shows is how “needy” you are…how your life revolves around her…once a women gets to the point of “I’m done”…you can pretty much bet the bank, that they’re done…and if you talk them into staying and “working” on it…they’ll only resent you later…

You have two options as I see it…just STFU about any relationship talk…for now…work on you…you can’t change your wife, she has to want it…so for now, concentrate on YOU…getting yourself healthy mentally and physically and work on improving your relationship with your kids…exercise, find a hobby…start being the leader of your family…and continue to keep your anger in check…YOUR aim in this is to show her that even though life sucks for her…YOU will not be affected by her unwillingness to work on it…Calvin’s happiness is derived from Calvin, not from her…and to make yourself attractive to her again…she may snap out of it…

But above all…do not beg her, cry or kiss her a$$...

Or…Go home tonight and tell her you’ve been thinking…and she’s right, a separation would be good…if she’s not working, tell her she has to find employment ASAP…divide up the bills and get separate bank accounts…workout the child support worksheet for your State…do not discuss the future with her, other than working out the details of the separation…if she freaks about a job, express to her that times will be changing and she’s going to be a big girl and pull her own weight from now on and that she should expect nothing more than what you’re obligated to pay in child support…

These are really the only two paths you can take as I see them…

Also, regarding your kids…it’s not a divorce that harms the kids…it’s how you and your wife co-parent them...so the best terms you and your wife can end this marriage on, the better off the kids will be…


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## calvin

Thanx Acorn and thank you NoCode for the advise,its hard but thats what I intent to do.We go to MC tonight then out for couple drinks and something to eat.I still dont get this, a few mutual friends have said she is crazy if she does this.I f*cking feel betrayed,all the hard work and sacficies I've done,I dont get it.I will STFU about any relationship talk and only talk about how if she wants nice things and a comfortable life she's gonna have to earn it herself.When a judge sees what I make I think I'm going to get the shaft,only reason I make decent money is because of all the hours I put in but its not the money I'm worried about losing.God she's got a comfortable life,she also has some bad habbits that I support moneywise,never hit her threw things or called her a name,I just dont get it.
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## calvin

Any advise I can get from any of you would be greatly appreciated....thanx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoCode

I’m in the same boat bailing water as you are calvin…not sure of all your details, but as my therapist told me…don’t beat yourself up trying to figure this sh*t out…her issues, she probably brought into the relationship and if it wasn’t you…it would be someone else going through the same sh*t as you are today…

I’ve spent 4 years in a dead end relationship, fooling only myself that things would get better…put your best foot forward…work on yourself, improving your stock in the marriage (also start preparing yourself mentally and financially for a separation)…give it no more than 6 months and if no improvement…pull the plug…

I got about 2 more months and I’m out…life’s too short for this BS…and there’s too many women out there that know how to treat a good man…


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## Conrad

NoCode said:


> I’m in the same boat bailing water as you are calvin…not sure of all your details, but as my therapist told me…don’t beat yourself up trying to figure this sh*t out…her issues, she probably brought into the relationship and if it wasn’t you…it would be someone else going through the same sh*t as you are today…
> 
> I’ve spent 4 years in a dead end relationship, fooling only myself that things would get better…put your best foot forward…work on yourself, improving your stock in the marriage (also start preparing yourself mentally and financially for a separation)…give it no more than 6 months and if no improvement…pull the plug…
> 
> I got about 2 more months and I’m out…life’s too short for this BS…and there’s too many women out there that know how to treat a good man…


Until you work on yourself and realize "why" you attracted a partner like this one, chances are you'll be right back here.


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## calvin

Thanks Conrad,the main reason I think I attracted her is because I was and still am a go getter have a good work ethic,stable and responsible.I was into lifting weights also.She also has seen me knock around some guys that beat up some women we both know.I cant stand that sh!t.Dad used to do it to my Mom.Think thats why I hate that so much.Still having trouble wraping my mind around as to why she wants this.We are leaving the house now for what I think will be our last MC session,then we'll go out for a little and talk,yes I know NoCode STFU about working on the relatioship,not even sure if I want to anymore.Should be interesting.
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## synthetic

calvin, 

you know my attachment to your story. Every day I feel like there is something working against all the good I do. My way of coping is not to say "F*** it" to everything and file for divorce, but rather take it one day at a time.

I know you're tired. I know what you've done. I know what you're going through. I know how it feels to be unloved by the person you worship. Our stories are very similar.

But please my friend. Don't panic. There's this unexplainable thing in life that somehow makes things work out exactly the way every individual wants it. If that wasn't the case every human being would commit suicide at some point in their life. 

Your wife will most likely come to her senses once she's out of the marriage completely. Maybe that's your destiny. 

Don't do anything your heart doesn't want you to do. Don't try to make her feel guilty. Don't feel betrayed. This is life. Give it time and be the kind, caring person that you are. Don't be selfish if you don't desire to be selfish. Don't try to make her jealous if you think her misery will further hurt you. Don't file for divorce if your heart is not dead set on it.

Just be YOU. That's who you are. There's no set standards to be met for a functioning human being. As long as you find contentment in what you're doing at that very moment, then you're living a good life. 

I'm going through the same thing. Believe me, the pain sometimes feels deadlier than death, but I know one thing: I love my wife, and I love the loving person that I am. Something's gotta give here. She will one day realize who she's turning her back to.

Your wife will to. Just don't force it.

Live.


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## This is me

I remember about a year ago when the first MC told me she was gone. I couldn't believe it. He's nuts. But he was right. There is something that switches in these woman and when they are gone they are gone. You can spend the time trying to get them back, but in my case it was a waste of time and money.

I pleaded, begged, cried, went to two MC, became the perfect husband over a year, but she was gone. Plenty of mixed signals, but she was gone.

I wish you well.

I wish you well.


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## calvin

MC says relationship is on life support,we go out to have drinks and have supper,she doesnt eat but drinks, takes her food home,she's a little loose and I had a hunch.so I ask her if she is having a EA,she admitts she is....ohhh boy.Its an old boyfriend who has been in prision,got out 10 years ago,he robbed a few stores that I know of she says she looked him up on facebook and only met him once in the last month.So I dig a little more,she says she met him a few times in the last two months and only in public and they only hugged......ohh sh!t.dont know if I believe her when she said they never had sex.I just kicked her out 5 min ago.This cant be happening,its a bad f*cking dream. I'll post tomorrow when I calm down...I cant believe I was this stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

I just sent about twenty text to her giving a load of sn!t in each text.I know I should have had more self controll,it slipped.I told her if we have any chance she MUST cut out contact with him.She refused.Told her again,again refused.She says she wants to "date him"...well thats sweet.What do I do now I'm out of my head bad.I'll wake up any second now......
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## calvin

God help me
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## Runs like Dog

for me, the death of hope was liberation.


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## synthetic

Calvin,

Calm down my man. You just got your closure. 

Your wife betrayed you. There is now absolutely no reason for you to want her. Absolutely none.

Expose her affair to everyone you know and make her look like the weak toy that she is. 

Your new life has just begun. Ride out the sadness and tell her to get the f*** out of your life.

She will pay for this dearly, and the beautiful thing is, you won't have to do a damn thing to make that happen. Life is gonna happen to her and ain't life a b**ch when your moral fiber weakens.

Stay strong my man. You are an honorable human being and deserve to be loved. 

I hope I don't get to a point of needing these exact words I'm typing for myself, but I'm losing sanity myself.


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## calvin

thank you all especially yoy synthetic,I dont know what to do I'm almost 100% sure it didnt turn into a PA yet,I dont know what to do I still love her.All the f*cking sacrifices I did for her and my family,and this guys is a loser drives a piece of sh!t car makes 9 or 10 bucks an hour.I did tell her to go move in with him and see how that goes.I found his phone number I think I'm going to confront him and give him a good old style Kentucky @sswhoopin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

The 180 not sure how to do it I need some suggestion please,God I'm despeate I still cant believe this
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## Catherine602

calvin said:


> thank you all especially yoy synthetic,I dont know what to do I'm almost 100% sure it didnt turn into a PA yet,I dont know what to do I still love her.All the f*cking sacrifices I did for her and my family,and this guys is a loser drives a piece of sh!t car makes 9 or 10 bucks an hour.I did tell her to go move in with him and see how that goes.I found his phone number I think I'm going to confront him and give him a good old style Kentucky @sswhoopin.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Calvin
Now is the time that you need to exert all of that determination and hard work that has defined you. 

Please don't make any moves towards this man. He has nothing to lose unlike you. If you go to prison for assulting the peice of sh!t, what will happen to your kids?

Remember the methods you used to control your anger in your relationship? You need those techniques now. 

Read all you can about cheating and the script that cheaters follow. Morituri, one of the members, has links on his page with good info. 

Is there anyone you can call upon, a good friend or relative to see you through this?

Where are you kids and where is your wife staying?


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## synthetic

Calvin,

Don't confront the guy. He is not the one who betrayed you. Your wife did. That guy had no contract with you. He had no vows to commit to. He's not the one you deeply love and care for. He just happens to be the trigger your wife was always looking for. I almost feel sorry for him. 

Are you completely certain there was no PA? This is so hard to imagine considering your wife's answers and her behavior. It's almost impossible.

Don't trust your wife anymore. I know you love her, but don't trust her. She's not the adorable beauty you were in love with. She's a lost soul with no moral fiber. Such a person should be deprived of all love and trust until they change.

You will make it out of this in one piece. Your wife won't. She's going to regret this for the rest of her life.

I know you love her. Continue loving her in your heart but know that the person you love is on life support. Just pray that she comes out of that coma. There's nothing you can do to make that happen. She may die. Get ready to grief her death.


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## synthetic

Calvin, Here's what you're most likely about to go through:

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


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## calvin

My kids are with me they are pretty upset,my 12 year old son keeps texting his mom asking why is she doing this.OH GOD.She wont respond to him.I still can believe this,I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown.She is coming over later to get her stuff.My kids have already said they want to stay with me.I dont know how we are going to pull through this.It f*cking hurts.I still love her.Trying to be strong but its hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Make sure your kids are present when she's packing and leaving.

They need to see how this happened so there's no confusion or lying in the future. They will be traumatized by this for a while but having a real image of the event in their head will help them cope with it better. If they suddenly find themselves in a home without mom without knowing the details they may inflict unnecessary guilt on you and themselves.

Very nicely ask your wife to look each one of you in the eye and say goodbye. Tell her this is it. Tell her you love her in a calm voice. Don't get angry. Don't fight. Don't accuse her of anything.

Just be calm and sad with the kids present. If she says stupid crap to the kids don't react. Let her live with the eternal guilt. She's about to make her life one living hell. Sit back and enjoy the wrath of karma. 

Keep your anger at bay. The last image she saves in her mind from your family home should make her cry every time she thinks about it in the future. She won't feel guilty if she remembers you being angry.

We love you Calvin. You are an honorable man this woman clearly doesn't deserve. Love her, but let her go find the true meaning of her actions. She has to.


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## calvin

Synthetic you a huge help.Me and the kids had a long talk about its just us now we cleaned the house and are going to make lunch.No PA yet but its coming.I did text her and tell her enjoy her new life three towns away and know I wont be here for you when he's done with you,yes I kinda know this guy but hes been lockd up for awhile,told her she will regret this forever,she shut up on the phone real quick.Thanks for the info Synthetic I need to read it over and over.Me and my kids are like f*cking ghost wandering around the house and trying to stay busy.I still dont think this is happening.Trade in the hardworking steeleworker for a bad boy.....?????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

She traded in a loving human being and the sanity of her children for short-lived false pleasure.

This will break her into pieces later in life, and perhaps, that's exactly what such a woman needs to experience before she can understand the meaning of life. I suspect by then you will have become a solid rock of love and affection again. That will even break her more.

You're about to become a better human than you already are. The pain, sadness and confusion all come together to create the indestructible ball of confidence you probably never had in life. Cherish the opportunity, and know that the sadness is only normal.

Your wife lost. You won. Game over. She will come and ask for another chance. It's your choice to give it to her or not. Follow your heart. She may deserve your forgiveness. I don't know her.


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## calvin

Thanks again synthetic....lol she's back peddeling now,she texted she was getting some of her stuff for sisters house,yes she is there when I kicked her out last night.I asked when will she be getting all her shoes,clothes,dressers and the rest of the [email protected] and move it to bad boys [email protected] apartment,she now says she had never planed that,just wants to stay at sisters for awhile,also told her hope bad boys got a good job cause you have no skills and are expensive to keep.think she scared......least I' getting a laugh out of this right now.....Thanx to everyone here,you guys do help.
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## NotLikeYou

Calvin, I suggest you go back to the part where you were supposed to STFU, and re-read it a bunch of times and STFU! Stop texting your wife. Stop calling her. Don't go confront the ex-con. Focus on your job and your kids. It's okay to be angry and pissed off. That's perfectly normal.

It's also normal to want to fly off the handle, but right now it would be really stupid to do, so DON'T DO THAT.

From what you have written, you have busted your ass for your wife, while she has not given much back. Now, because, honestly, she sounds like a pretty sorry woman, as wives go, she wants to **** around on you with ex-bf, while having you pay her bills.

The best thing you can do is give her the gift of missing you. And while you are not-talking and not-texting her, take the time to get your anger under control. If you want to text her a hatemail, come post and vent on here instead.

You will be better off in the long run if you do this. But if you would rather gain experience the hard way, just keep wandering down the path you're on.


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## spudster

The Healing Heart: The 180

This is the shortcut for the 180 Calvin. Do it for yourself, it works.

File for divorce.... Find the meanest lawyer you can afford and go at her with all guns blazing. Adultery, abandonment, etc....You cannot be weak. You have to hit her hard and keep the pressure on if you want to stand any chance of keeping your children away from the ex-con. 

Ask your lawyer if you can sue the OM for "alienation of affection"... he may not have any money, but getting sued might make him decide that taking your wife from you is not a good tactical decision in his life.

You need to completely go dark on your wife.... No talking, texting or physical contact of any kind unless it is to talk about the kids. 

Good luck and be brave.


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## calvin

Yes Not Like You,little guilty there she is now doing most of the texting and calling.She just left with her sister and a few overnight bags,I kept my cool,told her I loved her once not anymore.I didnt yell,asked her to say good bye to the kids.Then she accuses me of kicking her out,this is her house too,she's gonna call the cops on me she will be back on monday...WTF? I repeated over and over good bye,leave youre upsetting the kids.She said she doesnt want to be with bad boy,Showed her and her sister her text saying otherwise,she stormed off and told me at least he treats her better than me. ???????????
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## spudster

> Yes Not Like You,little guilty there she is now doing most of the texting and calling.She just left with her sister and a few overnight bags,I kept my cool,told her I loved her once not anymore.I didnt yell,asked her to say good bye to the kids.Then she accuses me of kicking her out,this is her house too,she's gonna call the cops on me she will be back on monday...WTF? I repeated over and over good bye,leave youre upsetting the kids.She said she doesnt want to be with bad boy,Showed her and her sister her text saying otherwise,she stormed off and told me at least he treats her better than me. ???????????


Let her go. Keep calm and don't let her get to you. She has hopped on the Crazy Train and she will drag you along on the ground if you let her. You need to completely disengage emotionally.

The 180, if you do it and stick with it, will help you to steel yourself emotionally and prepare you for the possibility of a life without your wife. In order for you to break through the pain and turmoil you are feeling, you have to completely release your expectation that this marriage will be saved. 

Your wife has abandoned you and your children. 

Think about that and let it sink in. 

Then take the anger and channel it into improving yourself. Start taking care of you, because your children are going to need you now more than ever. Not only will they be looking to you for love and safety, but they will also be watching how you conduct yourself through this ordeal. They will remember your actions and apply the lessons to their own lives. This is your chance to shine.


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## calvin

Didnt look at it that way Spudster thanx,yes she is calling and texting,I'm ignoring,her sister is also pissed at her,enough drama for one day,me and the kids have to make a boatload of spaghetti sauce for my Moms b-day party here tomorrow.A few weeks ago she demanded I quit doing Fathers &Mothersday and my parents B-day parties here at home....of course I refused.BTW I make killer Spaghetti.Later video game night with my kids........this is so messed up.Once again thank you all for your help,the advise is really helpng me and the kids out.I appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster

> A few weeks ago she demanded I quit doing Fathers &Mothersday and my parents B-day parties here at home....of course I refused.BTW I make killer Spaghetti.Later video game night with my kids........this is so messed up.


Control is what she is after. She knows deep down inside that she has really messed things up. The only way she knows to regain control over herself and her life is to control you and the kids. Don't let her.

Have all the parties you want. Turn the house into party central. Lavish parties on your parents and kids, feed them speghetti 'till it's spilling out their ears. Laugh and be happy. 

She will be watching from the sidelines.


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## synthetic

I expect this unappreciative lost soul to be back at your doorstep within weeks if not days to beg for forgiveness.

That can only happen if you maintain your cool and stop all contact with her. GO DARK. Completely DARK. Take everything away from her. Don't talk to her. Don't be angry. Don't give her the pleasure of seeing you in discomfort.

Shut the door on her. She's out. You're still in. 

She's already showing signs of regret. Don't settle for only this much. Bring it large this time. Let her feel as helpless as an ant in water. She might drown, or wise up and swim for coast. Don't let her drag you down with her.


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## Catherine602

Calvin
I know this does not help now but stay the course. She will regret this the rest of her life. She will eventually want back not for the comfort of the life you provided but because she realizes that she was a fool. 

She does not know how good she had it. She has not experienced the lack of a man like you. She thinks you are a dime a dozen. Wait till she finds out you are one of a kind. 

If she wants to move back in you cant prevent it legally but you may discourage it. Don't resort to force or illegal activity of any type.

Right now she abandoned her family and that will count against her. Also the fact that she is not communication with the kids. It is good that you have family around you. Ask their help in stabilizing the lives of your kids. 

Stop giving her info about how bad she wil have it. You don't want her back on that basis.

If she moves back, lock up the finances. Provide food, clothing and shelter no luxuries.


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## spudster

> If she wants to move back in you cant prevent it legally but you may discourage it. Don't resort to force or illegal activity of any type.


If they are in a community property state, or they own the house jointly and severally, you are correct and he cannot keep her from moving back in.

However, he does not have to allow her "dates" to come in to the house. He can call the cops and have them kicked off property.


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## calvin

Thank yu all..again,you have no idea how much this advise is helping,getting a weird reaction from here already.Yes Spudster she is on the sidelines,she no like,Synthetic..go dark and cool I like that,am doing now,Catherine you flatter me thanks,no I wont do any thing stupid,if she comes back she can sleep in the spare bedroom,I cant legally keep her out and she knows it,she said it. Phone is ring of the hook also from my family,they are worried but I feel ok.BTW this IS way out of character for her,I still dont get it.Quiet for now,I know more is coming soon its early.......s*cks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster

> BTW this IS way out of character for her,I still dont get it.Quiet for now,I know more is coming soon its early.......s*cks


She's panicking. She has stepped in it big time and she knows it.

If she comes back, do not welcome her with smiles and hugs. Stay on the 180 and do not waiver. If you let her feel like everything will be the same as it was, that is tatamount to telling her she won. Separate bedrooms is a good idea. 

Be like Mr. Spock.... direct and polite, but cool and unemotional. Save your smiles and tears for the kids. 

Think Spock. Live Long and Prosper.


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## NotLikeYou

Calvin- I have been reading threads on this site and offering occasional advice for a few months now. I have seen quite a few guys (and gals) in your situation completely fail to handle things in a good way. They usually make themselves miserable for weeks or months, ignoring the advice they get here from multiple posters. Eventually, they come around and start setting boundaries and doing the 180. Then, many of them screw that up, by going for reconciliation after their spouse says "I'm sorry you feel bad about what I did to you." The ones that put in the nard work of maintaining the 180, and keeping control of the situation, are the ones who come through the ordeal with their dignity intact.

So far, honestly, you are doing pretty well GREAT! If you can maintain the 180 for yourself, and keep your cool, you are going to come through this hard stretch of life with your head held high.

If a fellow named Morituri chimes in on this thread, please click on the link at the bottom of his post titled "Links." Every single article he references will help you immensely. Good luck!


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## calvin

DARK N COOL....yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster

Keep talking to us and let us know how you are doing.


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## calvin

Its been quiet,see what happends today,having my moms b-day party at home today,place is gonna be packed,thats good for me and the kids. My daughter is putting on a tough face through out this and has been a big help with her little brother and helping me with the house.Its hard when my son loses it, I hold him and do my best to comfort him,assure him things will work out,I've heard him say "b*tch" a couple times under his breathe.After I get him to calm down I have to go to another room cause I start falling apart.I dont want him to see that.I've noticed he keeps glancing at me every now and then trying to read my emotions.This is rough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

calvin said:


> Its been quiet,see what happends today,having my moms b-day party at home today,place is gonna be packed,thats good for me and the kids. My daughter is putting on a tough face through out this and has been a big help with her little brother and helping me with the house.Its hard when my son loses it, I hold him and do my best to comfort him,assure him things will work out,I've heard him say "b*tch" a couple times under his breathe.After I get him to calm down I have to go to another room cause I start falling apart.I dont want him to see that.I've noticed he keeps glancing at me every now and then trying to read my emotions.This is rough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am glad you are hosting the party today. Have fun enjoy. I had one last weekend and although my head was a bit messy inside, no one noticed when I polled them later and in the end it was fun. This will be a good distraction.

Re read the 180 often. Learn it and live it. You deserve better and the 180 will help you on your way.

Be strong for you and your kids!


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## calvin

Question.I need to contact my wife about a couple thing that concern my sons school schedule, should I? My daughter said she will but I can tell she doesnt really want to talk to her.So should I?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

calvin said:


> Question.I need to contact my wife about a couple thing that concern my sons school schedule, should I? My daughter said she will but I can tell she doesnt really want to talk to her.So should I?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no kids so feel unqualified but this is my thought. Only contact her if completely neccessary. No emotions just the facts. Text or email better.

If it is something you can handle without her. Do it. 

Best wishes!


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## calvin

Sent her the text,kept it brief and to the point,she kinda wanted to talk a little,I went back to DARK N COOL. I read her text but did not reply.She said she will be here in the mornings to help kids get ready for school and leave when I get home.I cant stop her from this.She is staying with her responsible sister now who lives one town over.She will be staying at her other sisters tonight which is very close to my house.This sister is a big loser.New boyfriend every two years,drinks a lot,no food in house and she is always broke( I wonder if resposible sister got tired of her) loser sisiter has borrowed (if u can call it that) money from me many times.And her b*tch of a mother lives next door.Interesting.She also claims to have cut off all ties and has no plans at all with loser badboy.Wonder where this is going to lead....Think she's up to something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Wow. The sisters, boy can I relate. My WW is living with the responsible wealthy one a couple of towns over. The irresponsible one she works with and helped her down the path to walking away. This one is an awful role model for relationships and went through many boyfriends in our 17 year marriage. Just happened to be dumping another one when my wife made this life changing decision.


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## calvin

Have a really bad urgh to call her and tell her to come home and that I love her.God this isnt easy.It will pass,I know it will.She stuck it to us,she doesnt deserve us.....DARK N COOL....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Why Not Be Happy?

Good for you. Hang in there!


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## spudster

> Have a really bad urgh to call her and tell her to come home and that I love her.God this isnt easy.It will pass,I know it will.She stuck it to us,she doesnt deserve us.....DARK N COOL....


Don't you dare call her! 

....swear to god, I'll reach through this internet connection and smack you upside the head with a 2x4!

You are stronger than her.

You are better than her. 

You deserve better than her....


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## Catherine602

Stay cool. Let this play out. R is not totally out of the question Calvin. That is not what this is all about, 

If R is in the cards, you must be absolutely sure that 1. she will atone for this horrible betrayal, 2. she has a taste of what it is like to not have a man of quality in her life, 3. that she loves you and appreciates you. 

It you give her cheep forgiveness, it will be OK at first as you are happy to have her back. After the initial joy wears off and you realize she has not atoned, she does not fully appreciate the enormity of what she did and that she expects you to work to get her back then you will regret that you let her back so easily.

Please dont give her cheep forgiveness. What you have to offer is substantial and needs to be treated as such. If you reconcile on that basis you have a better chance of being happy and strong. This can never happen again.

How is was the party going? Was the sauce good? Did you top it off with some good olive oil before serving? What kind of bread did you serve?

PS I am going to join Spuds virtual gang if you call.


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## spudster

> Please dont give her cheep forgiveness. What you have to offer is substantial and needs to be treated as such. If you reconcile on that basis you have a better chance of being happy and strong. This can never happen again.


Well said... well said. :iagree:


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## Chaparral

Calvin, here is a link in the coping with infidelity section you need to read: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## calvin

Dont hit me Spudster,I didnt call.Catherine,once again thank you for your wise advise.Party was good,nice to have family around and the amount of support they offered.Wife did call she needed pillows and blankets to go to loser sisters house.She wanted daughter to bring them out to her (my) truck,fine,gallon of milk too,ok,and some money..no way.Wife came into the house,it was like she couldnt help herself,I made her turn and leave...that wasnt easy.daughter takes supplies out to her and they talk for a few.Future ex-wife tells my daughter that she has no boyfriend and that I'm just stiring up sh!t,and that yes she wants to date,she never cheated on me,do I have a lawyer(tuesday I will) and its basically my fault.My daughter knows better.Future ex says that she will get lawyer,told daughter that her not boyfriend has a good job and she will get the house back....my head is spinning....sorry I gave her $40. I did close out the bank account couple days ago.So....I dont know,dont f*cking know.I do know I will fight tooth and nail for my kids our sanity and this house! She will be here in the day,I cant stop her.Think she wants to be here for a sense of normalcy, DARK N COOL. This is like survivor..outlast,outwit and outlive.My daughter says she is not working on our family,that she is chasing her high school days.Wife will regret this.Catherine,food at the party was great,my own signature sauce and salad,garlic cheese bread,lots of olives,the olives are like crack cocain to me and my family...not that I would know about that but we had a good time,we needed it.I'm a f*cking steelworker,why do I have to get out of the living room every two hours and f*cking cry!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

good thing you are calling her future ex. You are seeing her true self now.

Don'teven think about going back until she fixes up her sh!t and proves herself to you.


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## Catherine602

Study the info in the links, it will help you to anticipate her moves and understand them. Try not to dip with every salvo. 

Understanding what is going on in her mind will help because you not only anticipate what she will do but understand why. 

You may not feel it but, you have all the cards and you can get what you feel is best for you and your family. 

If you want a wife who is firmly in your camp and knows there is nothing better out there and a stable happy home for your kids, you can have that. But you have to control the road to get there. 

She is in fantasy land right now. How she came to this point is up for speculation but it happens. She is in crisis and may think that there is something better than what she has. 

It fear that is driving her bravado, that and shock that you are not begging her. The outrageous cruel things she said to your daughter is an attempt to disrupt the family party. How dare you have a party, you should be pining away fro her. 

She wanted to spoil the party. She has a lot to answer for but she is nowhere near seeing it yet. Set your boundaries and decide what your deal breakers are and what she can do at this point to show herself worthy of coming back. 

Be careful about her being in the house. Lock up your important papers and bank records and password protect the computer. If she is getting a lawyer he may get her to snoop.


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## calvin

Thank you Catherine,excellent advise once again.So glad I stumbled upon this site a few months ago.I am getting ideas me or my family or friends could not really give me.Im so thankful for what you all haved armed me with
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster

> I'm a f*cking steelworker,why do I have to get out of the living room every two hours and f*cking cry!?


You're a steel worker, not made of steel.

Cat has some good advice. Lock up all the stuff you don't want her getting into. Take the power cable to your computer to work with you so she cannot e-mail her beau.

Stay strong.


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## calvin

ok,she is texting me I'm not answering.She's apologizing,wants back in house bad,guess its no fun at loser sisters house,starting to beg a little,my how the tables are slowly turnning,I'm not letting her back into the house she knows legally she can move back in but hasnt demanded that yet.She will leave when I get but she says she needs to go over a few thing before she goes back to loser sisters house.I'll listen but I wont be drawed into a heated discussion or fight.I will pay attention to her body language and to what she says,maybe some of you can helpme interpit what she is doing.She is going shopping today,picking up our dogs license tags and other daily routine stuff.....Hmmm...trying to nudge her way back in.Not letting her, I have a lot of thinking to do and I'm not making any decisiona for a loonnngg time. Feeling little stronger today thanks in part to all of you guys.I will post tonight sometime later after work.Thanks guys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou

Calvin, once again, I would like to give you a cyber-high-five. You are taking control of this situation, and keeping your feelings under control, about as well as anyone could.

The only suggestion I have is to lock down the finances even tighter. I'm not sure how she is going to cover the shopping expenses, but if its by way of a joint credit card, kill that thing after today. Taking your kids and going grocery shopping on your own can be therapeutic and fun (therapeutic, because you get to do mundane things with the kids, and KNOW that you can cover these kinds of bases w/o the wife) (fun, because you each get to pick out a bag of candy).

And if you need someone to cry to when you feel down, your dogs will be there for you, and love you no matter what!

Hang in there, man- you're doing great! DARK N COOL!


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## Catherine602

Don't Have enough time to give a complete response. I think you have some fairly clear general thoughts about what you need from her and it will take time to get to the specifics. If you make the reasons you cannot communicate with her relative to when or if she can come back, I think that would be better. 

You don't want to make her think you are punishing her. If R is still in the cards you want to stay on the high road and let your actions be governed by what any reasonable loving husband expects. Then if you R, you can discuss this with her and when she is ready, she should see that as reasonable. If she thinks you are punishing her, true R cannot happen because she will harbor resentment. 

You cannot tolerate what she has done, it is not reasonable and she knows that. I would discuss as soon as appropriate what are your deal breakers. She has to know now that there are things she can do which will seal her fate. I think some should be any contact with OM and dating, sex with other men. 

Those are hard bounderies for a start. Otherwise you need time to think let her know this is the reason you cannot discuss this now. This is big and what she has done is not like she went on a shopping spree and spent too much money. 

This is a massive deception and betrayal which will take a long time to resolve and come to terms with. Latter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

One more thing I'd let her do what she can to help out with the family but you decide what they should be. The reason is that she can worm her way back in by being useful. She has to earn her way in by being willing to admit her transgration, acknowledge the damage she has done, atone for it to you and her kids. She needs to show compassion and empathy and to be willing to express those feelings. 

It is not enough to be driven by fear or lack of comfort. This is what she chose to do and she needs to do it to see what she will experience. Not liking her choice is not a good reason to want to go back home. Feeling the mistake on an emotional level - what have I done to my family - how must they be hurting - that what she needs. Don't tell her that she needs to get there on her own. 

Treat her with cool kindness and contact and talk about kids only and finances. When she shows true remorse for the hurt and devastation then it will be time to talk. By then you will have a plan in place for what you two need to do. Don't be too suprised if she is resistant to what she needs to do. It is hard to take ownership when you make an error that is selfish and hurts people. 

You have to take it in little bits. Stay on an even keal and don't show any anger or that you want her back without work on her part. That I am sure will be difficult but you have to do it. It is better for long term gains.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

She's texting a lot wanting to come home, she's sorry,forgive me,how its her fault.Then I guess she really broke down.Her good sister called,said she had to take her too the clinic and that she is in real bad shape.Good sis will keep me updated.I'm concerned for her well-being but not sure what to make of this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

calvin said:


> She's texting a lot wanting to come home, she's sorry,forgive me,how its her fault.Then I guess she really broke down.Her good sister called,said she had to take her too the clinic and that she is in real bad shape.Good sis will keep me updated.I'm concerned for her well-being but not sure what to make of this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like good news to me so far. Looks like reality bus has run over her. If you let her come home be sure and tell her all that is required and non-negotiable. 

Full transparency, passwords to all phones, websites etc. I can't remember if facebook was involved but she may have to close that down. No girls nights out, lets you know wherever she goes and when. GPS her phone , keylog computer. VARs No Contact letter ETC. There is a full list around here somewhere I think.


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## synthetic

Calvin, my man, I'm so glad your unappreciative wife is finally having the break-down she so damn deserved and needed.

It's your turn to feel like a man. You have earned it and should never ever sacrifice it for anything. 

I expected this to take longer, but had very little doubt that it would happen (your wife's turn around).

Don't punish her. Punishment is against love. Instead, let her find her way back into the marriage by giving you things that you deserve and have wanted for so long. Let her find joy in loving you, even if it takes a long time. Allow her to find reasons to love you more and more everyday. Show her what a big heart you have and encourage her to channel her guilt into positive affection for YOU instead of crying all night and feeling sorry for what she did.

You have won my friend. This is the true definition of winning. You will live with the satisfaction of knowing what a good person you are forever. As a loving wife, she MUST always admire that about you and remember it.


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## calvin

Long day,tired.Short and skinney of what happend,I'll give more details tomorrow.She's here,dont hit me Spudster,she's crying on and off,little bit of snapping too,then more crying.She wants in my bed.She will sleep in the spare room.She looks like sh!t.Has'nt slept much or had appatite,she didnt like being out at all.She admitts fault,says how sorry she is,doesnt know why she acted the way she did,got badboy off cell and facebook,made her call him tell him its over,he didnt seem to care too much,she has tried to contact him while she was out of house seems he was too busy til he had some free time,guess she saw he only cared about her when it was conveniate for him.She looks scared and confused,acting that way too.So I dont know.I told her all options are still on table for me and I mean it,she snapped, she cried.She is frazzled.Got her meds for anxiety and depression.She's a mess.Gonna have to wait til tomorrow to really see whats going on here.kids are haapy she's back but p!ssed at the same time.Tomorrows another day see what happends.Sorry hope this isnt to sloppy,I'm dead tired,she fell asleep trying to talk to me,had to carry her upstairs..........DARK N COOL needs to put into practice here at home.This could be a challenge,one that I look foward to.Thanks guys,dont hit me Spudster
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Do what you have to do for your family. Be strong.


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## Catherine602

You did the right thing. This is the woman you love. I would not expect a man with your qualities to act otherwise. Your instincts are good. She needed you and you were there for her. Even after what she did. 

The pisspoor prisoner who she lavished her affections on could care less. Lesson one = good man is there for his woman, if she has his back. If not she will twist in the wind. 

This is what she was headed for and it came crashing down. That is what happens. Expect her to take two steps back and one forward. She is overwhelmed by her stupidity and foolishness. She will only take it in bits. Have your plan in place about how you are going to handle this so that she understands that it will take much more than I am sorry. 

When she says I can't believe what I did to you and the kids. You did not diserve that. She will not like herself so watch her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou

^^^ What Catherine602 said. 

Calvin, you continue to handle things very well. May I suggest that, at this point, you look into getting some couples counseling for you and your wife? There are obviously some serious problems in your marriage, and it will save you time, money, and heartache to have them dug out and explored by someone who knows what they're doing.

Separate from that, I can't recommend 

Married Man Sex Life

enough! While I don't think that any guy should do everything written on there by the estimable Athol Kay, the articles make great food-for-thought and will doubtless give you some good perspective on your marriage.

You're going to be talking to your wife a lot over the next few days. Keep your composure. You're a damn good guy, and its a shame that it took this for your wife to start really figuring that out!


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## synthetic

You are a man of love and honor.

Tell your wife we think the world of you. Tell her she's the luckiest damn woman on earth and needs to appreciate every second she spends with you.

Actually, why don't you make her register here so I tell her what you have gone through. She needs to know.


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## calvin

Thnaks guys,I was afraid some of you were going to take me too the wood she......sweating a little.She is going to get some visits and phone calls today from my side ans her side of family,even her loser sister told her she was being a fool.I will have all pass words over everything by tonight,no contact letter and all that other stuff wraped up in next couple of days.Put her on life time probation too,she didnt see that one coming,thinking about a family meeting,any ideas on that one?I really do think she knows how close she was to losing everything.She still cant explain why she didi what she did,other than she couldnt put up with my temper(which I do keep in constant check)she said she was in fantasy land and still cant really explain why she did this.She knows I'm not stopping anything just putting lawyer and other plans on hold,I can pick up right were I left off.She got into my bed sometime last night,when I woke up there she was......????
Gonna have a lot more to talk about after work today,ought to be fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

Good stuff Calvin, good stuff.

Just a note: try to avoid physical presence of family members. As long as she knows that they're aware of what she did, that's enough. Gathering people around and making her feel the pain of all those pitiful eyes will make her want to run again.

All she really needs to know is how much you've been hurt. I don't think she needs others to tell her that. She can see it in your eyes.


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## Chaparral

You need to check phone/text records, emails etc. and see how far this "ea" really went. Here is a list of instructions for the spouse thst had an affair. I really disagree with the poster encouraging you to bring your wife here although another forum (marriagebuilders?) may help her. This may not nearly be over and you need a place you can talk that she cannot see. Good luck.

Print this off and make your wife read it:

Read this:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## warlock07

calvin said:


> Thnaks guys,I was afraid some of you were going to take me too the wood she......sweating a little.She is going to get some visits and phone calls today from my side ans her side of family,even her loser sister told her she was being a fool.I will have all pass words over everything by tonight,no contact letter and all that other stuff wraped up in next couple of days.Put her on life time probation too,she didnt see that one coming,thinking about a family meeting,any ideas on that one?I really do think she knows how close she was to losing everything.She still cant explain why she didi what she did,other than she couldnt put up with my temper(which I do keep in constant check)she said she was in fantasy land and still cant really explain why she did this.She knows I'm not stopping anything just putting lawyer and other plans on hold,I can pick up right were I left off.She got into my bed sometime last night,when I woke up there she was......????
> Gonna have a lot more to talk about after work today,ought to be fun
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Be careful. Cheating wives don't come around so fast


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## calvin

Thanks again all,I called of the familys,think youre right Synthetic that little much and might push her too hard.She's going to her pre-school job today at her church,she teaches there tuesdays and thursdays three and half hours.she textex me this morning,she's scared,afraid they might know,could lose her paid hobbey.She's still saying she has no idea why she did what she did and boy did I really screw up this time,breaking down a little.I'm sure this was a EA, I have questioned her a lot on this one at various times, I have not noticed even a slight change in any of her answers,details still all the same.She knows how close she came to losing it ALL.she's going to call in a few hours let me know how thing went.Once agian I appreciate all the support you all have given me,I'm in your debt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

beware of trickle truth

read the cwi newbie link for more info


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## Catherine602

I think you should be authentic now, so if you break down don't hold back. 

That is the best way to reestablish a truly intimate relationship. Just don't let her off the hook easily. 

Although she does not know why, she still wounded you deeply. She must demonstrate that she feels your pain. 

She will if she takes the focus off of her-self and stops the selfishness. 

One other thing - she is far too sure of you. I think you need to change up. Be more independent. Take an interest in your appearance, cultivate an interest that takes you out of the house at lest once a month. Do something that is mixed gender and cultivate male friends.


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## calvin

Hey all, got home from work she's crying a little,emotions all over the place.blames me,blames herself,back and forth.I'm sure it was a EA. I'm sure.I have control over all passwords,no contact done,few more things to work on in that area but will be done soon.She is still showing remorse for what she did,she says she even told her co-teachers at the pre-school???? She told me she knows that I will do what I have to do if I am not sure about us,and I'm not. She tries to put some of the fault on me,I drove her away with my temper,yet she acknowleges that I was making major strides in MC when she did this.Then she admitts she wasnt working on us because she had badboy on her mind and he was a distraction. Man,I feel like I wasted a lot of effort and time but ...maybe it was an investment in myself. I feel she is taking owneship for what she did.I feel the remorse.She is lost right now and seems to know it but I do notice already she is sliding a little into her comfort zone.I hope I didnt make a mistake here.She knows how I feel....She wants me to make her feel better? also knows that she's out if I want...got me confused a little.....DARK QUIET N COOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic

> maybe it was an investment in myself


Not maybe. It definitely was.

My wife just came over my chair and asked me what I'm doing. I told her your story and how attached I felt to it while she had left me. 

She cried. I felt the lump myself.

Calvin, 

Take as much time as you need to get over the hurt. Don't bother worrying about how she feels much, but don't get angry with her. Channel your anger somewhere else. That's how she will even appreciate you more and feel more remorseful. Not guilty, but remorseful, there's a difference. Guilt is a negative feeling. Remorse is not necessarily a negative one and is actionable.

You're not there to make her feel comfortable, but you're not there to attack her comfort-zone either (as long as she's not cheating still). 

Time will heal your wound. I wouldn't trust her much for a long time though.


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## Catherine602

Synthetic is so right on the money. 

The more you are controlled emotionally and nice to her the more guilt she will feel. Don't give her any reason to blame this on you. It seems common in the early stages to try to blame the LS. Don't get angry just point out reality. 

Does she think that cheating and running out on her children for a man is a reasonable response to marital problems. Would it be OK for you to leave for a bit and take up with OW because of the problem she caused? If she thinks that is a good solution for her then she cannot deny that you can take the same remedy. 

Don't be surprised if she goes back and forth. Just keep reminding her that what she did was deceptive and deeply hurtful and nothing you did comes even close to that. Keep it nice - use a quite voice and be unrelenting with that message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Thanks again guys,no I'm not getting angry,this is pushing my self control to the limits but I'm keeping my act together,keeping it steady.Her telling the other two teachers at pre-school tells me that she knows how bad she messed up,she knows how she still might lose everything.This is going to take awhile.Thank you both for helping me stay sane,its nice to know there are people here like you two who car enough to help people out when there'r down.Synthetic I hope things are going better for you,it sounds like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

A year later reading this thread reminds me of the pain I put him thru..wow I just want to thank all of you for your help. Calvin is an amazing husband and we are still both hangin on 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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