# I will do what he wants, but he isn't interested.



## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

Hi, first poster here. Any advise would be appreciated. I've been happily married for a number of years, but due to sorting out a new contraception and children being older we are back to having a reasonable sex life. 

My problem is that my husband seems to be rarely interested, even though I do all that he wants as in had my hair cut the ways that turns him on, I'm willing (and enjoy) dressing up in outfits he likes, will be tied up and probably other things if he asked/showed an interest, but he hasn't wanted me to dress up and spend time getting turned on together for months, just happy for a quickie at the occasional bedtime.

Today, we were on our own all morning and in a position we could have done something (children out - doesn't happen often, so I wanted to make good use of time), and I spent time doing my hair how he likes, etc, given him the strong hint, but he didn't even notice, just starting doing jobs outside.

I don't want to have a go at him, as I feel that would put him under pressure to perform and it would probably not be able to happen then, but don't know what to do. 

If we are out alone, he becomes very interested, but we get back home (still alone) he doesn't want to know then.

I understand he doesn't want it all the time, neither do I, but I seem to spent a lot of time, hoping something will happen, only to be disappointed.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

How old is he? Is he healthy? Maybe he has low testosterone?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Anniversary said:


> I don't want to have a go at him


When was the last time you did? Try it, what have you got lose?


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

He's a "young" early fifties, and is healthy and fit, but I know he wouldn't be as interested as years ago.

I know he can be interested as he looks on the internet at picture of women with the hair cut/outfit he likes and he even cuts pictures out of magazines/papers to keep (he doesn't know I know this) so this really hurts, as he does it most days, yet doesn't act on it with me - even though I've got the haircut and will dress up - it doesn't make any sense to me - does it to anyone else?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Anniversary said:


> He's a "young" early fifties, and is healthy and fit, but I know he wouldn't be as interested as years ago.
> 
> I know he can be interested as he looks on the internet at picture of women with the hair cut/outfit he likes and he even cuts pictures out of magazines/papers to keep (he doesn't know I know this) so this really hurts, as he does it most days, yet doesn't act on it with me - even though I've got the haircut and will dress up - it doesn't make any sense to me - does it to anyone else?


So he has a scrapbook of womens fashion???








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The whole house probably stinks of "routine married life"

You mentioned he seems more interested when you two are out... well, have you capitalised on this?  I'm sure you get what I'm suggesting


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

Only the outfit and haircut that turns him on - and it's obviously not just for looking at from a fashion point of view.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> How old is he? Is he healthy? Maybe he has low testosterone?


 Yeah... no need to go there so quickly is my guess.



RandomDude said:


> The whole house probably stinks of "routine married life"


Really?

Seriously - what is up with you guys? :scratchhead:

But I think RandomDude has a point. You seem to indicate your routine has pretty typically been to lure and hint and bait, but the bear aint takin' the bait lately.

Where else is there friction here? What else is going on? I have to say - a haircut and dressing up to his liking are of course nice - but _far from_ all it takes to get the closeness you need to keep the flame lit. You are old enough to know this, of course. Any ideas?

Then again - if you are at a total loss - sometimes is just happens. 50 is a good time to get lost... Im not saying 'mid life crisis', but I am saying that if you seem totally baffled - you may just need to try and shake things up a bit - and that might mean either breaking out of your comfort zone with respect to initiation - or perhaps just generating a change of scenery if thats easier for you.

If he is interested 'when you go out' alone... but loses it after getting home... maybe just dont come home. How about an overnighter somewhere or a weekend away?

A little escapism from the 'stinking' (  ) routine and a chance to relax and do something together and have a meal or 2 and sleep late and go walking somewhere and no pressure to do anything in particular besides a little reminder that it (used to be?) fun to be together.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for explaining it much better than I could lol


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Yeah... no need to go there so quickly is my guess.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advise. 

It's not really practical to stay overnight when you have children, and we do have meals and trips out alone. We do have closeness and sex, but the last few months its become routine type sex at bedtime, rather than dress up and a longer daytime session when on own. He is probably happy with this, but I'm not - not everytime anyway. I get my enjoyment from the foreplay. I'm not 50 I'm 10 years younger than him.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well honestly... nah better not say it

EDIT: Oh wat the hell... ok well, to be honest, I'm a little wary about the whole dress up thing, so you are dressing up based on what he tells you he likes...

Well, that kinda kills the fun too if you ask me. A bit of variety and spice could help a lot, and I'm not just talking meals and trips out alone, I'm talking sex AWAY from home.


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Well honestly... nah better not say it


Say what?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Posted...  read above lol

Wasn't going to mention it but oh well, too late now


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

It's all about taking the intiative. You've been subtle for too long.

Tell him you want him! You be the one to introduce something new to your bag of tricks!


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Nobody you can dump the kids on for one night? How old are they?

Yeah - I notice your repeated dress up references.  Thats fine. Wouldnt mind if my wife did a bit more of that - but she does once in a while. Like I said though - there is more to it than simply dressing up for the part.

You also used the word routine more than once. It does sound like you need to shake it up a bit?

Do you ever come on to him, or is it pretty much him that makes the first move usually? You have been married for 'a number of years' so you should be well past the awkward stage... I hope.


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Well honestly... nah better not say it
> 
> EDIT: Oh wat the hell... ok well, to be honest, I'm a little wary about the whole dress up thing, so you are dressing up based on what he tells you he likes...
> 
> Well, that kinda kills the fun too if you ask me. A bit of variety and spice could help a lot, and I'm not just talking meals and trips out alone, I'm talking sex AWAY from home.


We've been together long enough for me to know exactly what outfits he likes, so no point in trying any I know/he has told me, he wouldn't like. And as for sex away from home, I'm keen, but even when we have been away lately he always wants same old routine. I'm happy to try anything new, but he's the one that prefers the usual.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree, you need variety.

Also, doing everything under the sun to please your husband could come off as clingy to some men. Do you do things for yourself too? Do you have goals/interests of your own? Do you take time for yourself?

My husband loves very long hair. When he married me I had fairly short hair. I would not grow my hair out for him, but rather for myself. I also may cut it all off again someday even though he loves my long hair and compliments me about it. I will dress up for him, but not often. When I do, it's a special moment.

Even though I'm housebound and basically stuck inside my house(health reasons), I find things/hobbies to do that interest me and improve who I am. I try to stay as independent as possible. 

Good luck. I hope you do find a way to reignite that spark in him. It sounds like you already have what it takes to keep the flame going.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How about when you tease him? Does he STILL go for the routine even after you turn him on?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Almost sounds as if he found out more than he wanted to know when dealing with the contraceptive issue and now sex is more of taking care of a physical need than having fun.

Eh, who knows? I sure don't.


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> How about when you tease him? Does he STILL go for the routine even after you turn him on?


Yes, I try different positions, but after a short time he moves me back into the position he prefers.

He did have a short spell, a few months ago of trying more options, but I think its a case of him knowing what he likes and sticking with it. He is happy with the situation.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Was going to mention that the tease doesn't involve the sex itself/positions but then again, by your post it seems you have no problem getting it, just the quality of it.

Personally though I would try to hold out to rebuild some sexual tension if it gets too vanilla... *sighs* something that I have 'difficulties' with myself - as my wife doesn't like me holding out AT ALL...


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Nobody you can dump the kids on for one night? How old are they?
> 
> Yeah - I notice your repeated dress up references.  Thats fine. Wouldnt mind if my wife did a bit more of that - but she does once in a while. Like I said though - there is more to it than simply dressing up for the part.
> 
> ...


I usually give the strong hint I'm up for it, and he knows I'm usually keen, but I generally wait for him to make the first proper move because in my experience with him when I have moved first he is never interested back so it has put me off making the first move. If he wants it, he will make the move, but it means I have to wait for that time.


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## Anniversary (Oct 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Was going to mention that the tease doesn't involve the sex itself/positions but then again, by your post it seems you have no problem getting it, just the quality of it.
> 
> Personally though I would try to hold out to rebuild some sexual tension if it gets too vanilla... *sighs* something that I have 'difficulties' with myself - as my wife doesn't like me holding out AT ALL...


I understand what you mean, but difficult when I'm always up for it so when he is I want it - difficult to say no to make tension, but I get you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What does that mean, "back to a normal sex life"? What was abnormal? No sex at all? How long was the abnormal sex life? If a man's desires are squashed for too long (years) then it can be hard to get back. It's a defensive reaction to protect ones self emotionally. Makes it very difficult to initiate even with strong hints.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

What workingonme said.

Also, you mention you'll do anything he wants. Does he know that? If not, tell him. If he does know that, how long has that been going on? If it's been for a long time, maybe he doesn't view you as a challange anymore sexually?

While most men want a wife like you (in the sense that you seem very proactive to improve the sex life) men also like to be the hunter most of the time. They don't want to have to work really hard at it, but it's nice to pursue your wife. Maybe he's lost the 'thrill of the hunt' because he knows that if he even shows you his manhood there's a great chance he's going to get it. It might also explain why he's turned on outside the home, as it may represent a challange to him, sex in a public place where you might not be as open to the idea.

On the flipside, he might be telling you he's in the mood at a time when you can't act on it. I've heard many stories of men complaining about their woman/spouse not wanting sex, but then telling their man/husband they are in the mood in a place where nothing is going to happen (church, hockey rink, etc.) and by the time they can get home, the woman isn't in the mood anymore. It's just a convient way to give your spouse the impression you're in the moods when you aren't, to avoid comments about never being interested in sex. Maybe he's doing the same thing?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Wow, isn't it interesting how people are different. If my x-wife had been that interested in me, she would probably have had to tie me up just to keep me under control! So, you are doing everything that would have gotten my buttons pushed, but he is obviously different. With that said, I think you have received some good advice here.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> The whole house probably stinks of "routine married life"





anotherguy said:


> Really?
> 
> Seriously - what is up with you guys? :scratchhead:


Actually there could be something to that... Part of my wife’s issue that contributed to our nearly sexless marriage was the house. At home, she could just look around and see a hundred things that ‘needed doing’. So, she’s focused on ‘what needs to be done’ instead of any romantic notions. I picked up on this because I started taking her out on dates... and noticed she had those thoughts and interest when we weren’t home. 

Like... We’d be out by the pool playing with the kids. My wife will pick up the hedge trimmers and start trimming... I could not get her to stop and relax and value ‘fun’ over ‘chores’. The MC and I had to give her homework to take ONE weekend day off and enjoy life per week. Brutal at first, like junkie withdraw... but she’s lightened up. On those ‘off days’ and ‘date night’ she can focus on me..... that helps with the libido. “Chores” & making list = turn off.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anniversary said:


> I understand what you mean, but difficult when I'm always up for it so when he is I want it - difficult to say no to make tension, but I get you.


Well, when I want it I still tease my wife, I enjoy the sexual tension naturally but that's just me - I'm lucky in this. For me it's the best part of the whole thing, not the sex! The tease, the game, the anticipation! And I never like to go through with the sex unless I know I got my wife ready to rip me a new one if I don't give it to her lol

For me teasing is not just for her but it's for me as well - I enjoy restraining myself to build up sexual tension for me too! So for me, I don't mind sex at all, I just can't stand it 3x a day lol (our problem)



> Actually there could be something to that... Part of my wife’s issue that contributed to our nearly sexless marriage was the house.


Yay! People get it :smthumbup:
lol


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