# It took a year:



## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Just a note that my fWW and I are getting to a point where it looks like we are going to make it. She cheated on me from Oct 10, 2010 to April or May 2011. By the Spring of 2011 the POSOM wasn't calling her anymore. She emailed him in September. She found out he had died of a massive coronary on his daughter's birthday. 

The affair in part started because my wife was taking care of me during my illness. The doctors had told her I was going to die and she was mentally and spiritually exhausted. He was an old Bf and I am not yet clear who contacted who. It is something I will ask her when things a more calm.

Oh, I didn't die!!

It has taken a year of anguish, mind movies (I found pictures, time lapse of them having sex and his "creampie", a special picture he asked for. There were also other pictures of a soul crushing nature and their emails, which were also graphic)nightmares and flashbacks and more symptoms of PTSD. I have done intensive IC with a good councillor and MC also with a good councillor. My wife is also taking IC and have been prescribed meds for her depression. I was taking meds but have been able to cut back slowly.

1) I realized a few weeks ago that there is a difference between wanting the person to hurt as bad as you do, and holding them accountable.
2) I learned that you can only own what you are responsible for, and that the other must own the things she is responsible for.
3) I bare responsibility for creating conditions in our marriage that might cause her to think an affair was the solution, but I am not responsible for her part in creating conditions that would lead her to believe that cheating was a good option for her.
4) I learned that anger has its place and time if healing is to occur and that at some point love must take the lead, or the relationship must die.
5) To forgive is also a choice. It is not like an epiphany, or a watershed or anything emotional at all. It is a decision to accept what happened and forgive that other person, and forgive yourself.
6) I took a job that I loved, but that would neither make me rich or famous. I have had great success in guiding the lives of sons and daughters of other people (and my own son) into making good choice. No one but those students I taught, and who taught me will ever know or remember what I have done. I can live with that.
7.) That the POSOM was well known in his field, worked and knew famous people and put on great shows, but very little he did lasted longer than the night it was done. In the end, no matter how "Cool" he was, he was still a man who would knowing have sex with a married woman, and I wouldn't.
8)Self Esteem begins with self. (and I didn't die)

I read lots of threads on TAM and listened to the advice I needed and tried to follow it. (I owe TAMers a great debt)

For the first time last night I went to bed, and fell asleep without a thought of the affair, had no nightmares and did not think of her infidelity at all. It is still there, I will always be the betrayed and she will always be the cheater and the man I was before is gone.
But I can live with that.
I am calm now, and a peace with it. I still have questions, but I am ready to face the answers. We are not out of the woods yet, and it is going to take more IC and MC to get this together. We have been married (the weekend I found out was are anniversary) 40 years.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The most important thing is that you are still with us!

I'm sorry all of this happened to you, but am so glad that you seem to be coming to terms with it in a healthy way.

Best of luck to you!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you have come a long way in the last few years. Good for you.

It's so good to hear about marriages that recover in a healthy way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Good luck to both of you! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

All the best to you both and thank you for the write-up, many gems of wisdom in there.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Thank You for all your support. I'm not a big poster, but I read the threads and have found a gold mine of good advice. It has made a difference.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> The affair in part started because my wife was taking care of me during my illness. The doctors had told her I was going to die and she was mentally and spiritually exhausted.


You're dying so her way of grieving is having an affair with another guy while you're on your death bed?!?



Thinkitthrough said:


> It has taken a year of anguish, mind movies (I found pictures, time lapse of them having sex and his "creampie", a special picture he asked for. There were also other pictures of a soul crushing nature and their emails, which were also graphic) nightmares and flashbacks and more symptoms of PTSD.


Damn dude.... you forgave THAT?? You're a far better man than me.



Thinkitthrough said:


> She emailed him in September. She found out he had died of a massive coronary on his daughter's birthday.


Huh, I guess there is something even better than exposure of the POSOM after all... The karma god's have got your back bro.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Thinkitthrough

It sounds to me that you have found peace, and the storm inside you has reduced to a calm. I have so much respect for you, you have taken a earth shattering event and made a stronger and better you. Stay the course sir, I wish you happiness in your new found self.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I am calm now, and a peace with it.


You are far stronger than myself and to be at a stage of calm and peace after all you have endured is a testament 
of your strength to a lot of us


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rough story, glad you came out of it in the end.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I am so happy for you. It's amazing to read how you came to your understanding. I wish you continued good luck, happiness and good health. 

Thank you for your service as a teacher. I am the mum of two, teachers are amazing people. As a parent I have so much appreciation for teachers who motivate and inspire children. Keep up the good work.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Very glad you are healthier both physically and emotionally. I can't bring myself to give a crap for your wife but I do hope she becomes something resembling human. LOL!

Rough humor aside, stay healthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

ConanHub: You are one of my heroes, I have always respected what you have to say.
Betrayed Dad: It was tough and to be honest what exactly her reasons were remain to be explained. I suspect that she was being played by a guy she thought was worthy of respect. As I told her, he knew she was married and fvked her anyway. He likely had more than one on the go, but I think my wife was looking for a replacement when I died. He may have be better off than I was, but he was not the better man. I only hope his daughter didn't find the pictures when she cleared his computer. She was ashamed, shamed, sorry and remorseful. I don't think I have ever seen someone as destroyed as my wife was in the week of confrontations that followed my discovery of her affair. 
Thornburn: Sir, I have read your story and your posts over the years and can only express my admiration at your commitment and sense of doing what is right. 
MattMatt: You live with an aspie, I am an aspie, sucks to be us Eh?(yeah I'm a colonial) 
Alte Dame, ElGirl, Aine: thank you for your gentle wisdom and support. I have read much of what you have written, so again thank you.
G.J. Thank You 
Drifting On. I have followed you for a while and though our stories are different we share that Terrier trait of sinking the teeth in and not letting go. Thank you. 
Brooklyn Anne: Thank you. I have been blessed to be a teacher. I can only hope I have done my students right over the years and that all teachers do the same. The kids are great.


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