# What am I missing?



## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

What can I do to get my wife to be more responsive / passionate during sex?


My wife and I have a good sex life. We have sex frequently (~2-3 times a week). Occasionally she gets really turned on and we have passionate sex, but not as often as I would like. Most of the time she will be open to have sex with me, but I have to initiate it and she seems somewhat emotionally detached.


I don't know if I'm expecting too much, so tell me if you think I am. I don't want her to just _agree_ most of the time - I want her go crazy for me more often.


Now I'll rule some things out. First off, as far as I can tell my wife's emotional needs are being met. I speak her love language frequently and let her know that she drives me crazy. Secondly, I am not unattractive, out of shape, or otherwise undesirable. She often tells me that she thinks I look great and that she's attracted to me. Thirdly, this is not an affair of any sort.


Overall, our marriage is great. We spend a lot of quality time together, openly communicate, are supportive of each other, and make each other laugh. I'm still passionately in love with her in all aspects of our marriage. She's not cold towards me, but rather is turning cold-er sexually.


Anyway, do any of you have ideas for what I can do to improve this? I feel like I'm missing some piece of the big puzzle...


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Are you doing anything differently when she gets really turned on? What kind of lover are you? Are you dominant with her?


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

When she's really turned on, I can let loose and be more dominant. For instance, if she's turned on she won't have a problem with me taking her in the shower. If she's not, she'll nonverbally tell me no.

I'm dominant in bed, but when I feel like she's not completely with me I don't show it as much. If I'm letting my wild side loose and she's not, it just becomes awkward.

*Edit: I don't think dominance really starts to turn her on. If she's already turned on then it works wonders, but it doesn't start it.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

so when you try being dominant she doesn't always respond?


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

jfv said:


> so when you try being dominant she doesn't always respond?


Exactly.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

you say she's turning colder sexually? This may seem like a dumb question but have you spoken to her about this? if so what has she said? If not, is there a particular reason why you haven't?


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

jfv said:


> you say she's turning colder sexually? This may seem like a dumb question but have you spoken to her about this? if so what has she said? If not, is there a particular reason why you haven't?


Yes, I've spoken to her about it. She gets a little shy on the subject, which is why it can be somewhat difficult to get any useful information out of her.

Pretty much what I've gotten is that she doesn't know why she doesn't get turned on as much anymore - she just doesn't. I've asked her if there are any other problems that she hasn't told me about and she assures me that there's not.

Like I said, we're really big on communication. If she knew what was wrong she would tell me. She just doesn't know.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Perhaps it is hormonal? How old are you guys? if there is truly nothing else going on she should consult her physician. If it is something physical there is not much you can do on your end besides being supportive and helping her find out what it is and how to take care of it. Have you guys looked into this possibility? Has this always been somewhat of an issue in your relationship?


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

jfv said:


> Perhaps it is hormonal? How old are you guys? if there is truly nothing else going on she should consult her physician. If it is something physical there is not much you can do on your end besides being supportive and helping her find out what it is and how to take care of it. Have you guys looked into this possibility? Has this always been somewhat of an issue in your relationship?


We've had this problem for 2 years now, and are 22 and 23 years of age. 


She was on the BCP for a few years, but went off of it last month because we strongly suspected that it was messing up her sex drive among other things. I would think that being off a month would be enough, but I guess I can't be entirely sure.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

KenehPalmer said:


> If I'm letting my wild side loose and she's not, it just becomes awkward.


I see you inserted an img, but can't view it. Regardless, what is your point?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

jfv said:


> you say she's turning colder sexually? This may seem like a dumb question but have you spoken to her about this? if so what has she said? If not, is there a particular reason why you haven't?


I know its hard to talk about sex....especially when there is a problem. But...it might help? 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

She's LD and just doesn't want it as often as you do, and is just trying to fill your needs. I'd say enjoy it. Go to town and maybe your enthusiasm will get her into it.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

PAC said:


> What can I do to get my wife to be more responsive / passionate during sex?
> 
> 
> My wife and I have a good sex life. We have sex frequently (~2-3 times a week). Occasionally she gets really turned on and we have passionate sex, but not as often as I would like. Most of the time she will be open to have sex with me, but I have to initiate it and she seems somewhat emotionally detached.
> ...


Is the emotional detachment sexual in nature only or in general? If it is only sexual in nature then maybe try to back off on the sex and see if there is something she needs to talk about. Sex is great but can tend to be a band-aid to serious issues that need to be resolved.


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## Ipman (Sep 11, 2012)

In my experience people in general and women especially know why there is a problem but rather avoid it for whatever reason it may be.
So you could try what works with me and my wife try emailing or texting the issue or we even turn each other on like that because when the person is in front of you it harder to communicate like when you're angry you tell yourself I'll do this and tell him that but when you're in front you say nothing so try that and make sure to be responsive and understanding because you might not like wat she has to say.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

badbane said:


> Is the emotional detachment sexual in nature only or in general? If it is only sexual in nature then maybe try to back off on the sex and see if there is something she needs to talk about. Sex is great but can tend to be a band-aid to serious issues that need to be resolved.


Yes, it is mostly sexual. She's not incredibly affectionate outside of the bedroom either, but I believe that is mostly her personality. Her parents weren't very affectionate to each other, so I'm thinking it is just what she is used to.

Heh, try to back off of sex? That would be hard to pull off. She can read me like a book and knows when I want sex even before I do sometimes. It usually works in my favor


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

Ipman said:


> In my experience people in general and women especially know why there is a problem but rather avoid it for whatever reason it may be.
> So you could try what works with me and my wife try emailing or texting the issue or we even turn each other on like that because when the person is in front of you it harder to communicate like when you're angry you tell yourself I'll do this and tell him that but when you're in front you say nothing so try that and make sure to be responsive and understanding because you might not like wat she has to say.


Good idea. She has problems communicating with me face-to-face about our relationship. I think I'll try that.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Do you believe that she's generally, genuinely, satisfied with you as a lover. Is she also satisfied sexually when she agrees or is she agreeing to do it but you're the only one getting off? That would definitely cause some resentment and kill the desire for me and sex with my husband.

How long do sex sessions typically last? Foreplay? Are you rough sexually, or more gentle with her? How do you initiate? Most women don't get turned on by "hey baby, let's hit the sack."

You say you want her to "go crazy" for you. But does she even have a reason to? Are you enticing her throughout the day, turning her on? How often do you make out? Are you a good kisser (in her opinion)? How's your hygeine?

Sex 2-3 times is great, but if the sex is not fulfilling or her, then it's not eally that surprising that she's nat passionate about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

aribabe said:


> Do you believe that she's generally, genuinely, satisfied with you as a lover. Is she also satisfied sexually when she agrees or is she agreeing to do it but you're the only one getting off? That would definitely cause some resentment and kill the desire for me and sex with my husband.
> 
> How long do sex sessions typically last? Foreplay? Are you rough sexually, or more gentle with her? How do you initiate? Most women don't get turned on by "hey baby, let's hit the sack."
> 
> ...


I think she's sexually satisfied, but can't be completely certain. Most of the time she doesn't want O's, but every now and then she asks for one. If I just start giving her one she'll usually let me know that she doesn't want one. I don't want to be pushy about it :\ . So most of the time I'm the one getting off and she isn't, but that seems to be what she wants.


I would say that I'm both rough and gentle depending on how I'm feeling and how she is responding. I play around in ways to initiate. Sometimes it is a massage with a happy ending, sometimes it me telling her that she's driving me crazy atm. She's not into foreplay all that much. I'm not sure if it is something I'm doing wrong.


If I try to "entice" her throughout the day she gets annoyed. She's telling me that sending her sexy text messages, emails, etc. is a turn off to her. I don't really understand it, but there it is :scratchhead:


She says I'm a good kisser, and I don't have hygiene problems.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

PAC said:


> I think she's sexually satisfied, but can't be completely certain. Most of the time she doesn't want O's, but every now and then she asks for one. If I just start giving her one she'll usually let me know that she doesn't want one. I don't want to be pushy about it :\ . So most of the time I'm the one getting off and she isn't, but that seems to be what she wants.
> 
> *I don't necesarily mean having orgasms. That is part of it, but I mean satisfied with the sex as a whole do you kiss/lick/touch/rub/stroke the places she likes in the ways she likes?*
> 
> ...


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

I would if I knew what she liked. She's really shy about talking about what she wants. I give her ample opportunity to talk about it, ask her questions, etc. but she still doesn't give me much direction on what she wants.

Hmm, foreplay is a kind of ambiguous word. I guess I mean that she's not really in to talking dirty, sexual innuendos, making out for more than 10 seconds, etc. She just wants to get right to it.

I give her sexual innuendos, mention things that she does that turns me on, and get a little bit more touchy-feely. When she isn't mysteriously turned on already, these are turn-offs for her. I get a lot of "eye roll" reactions.

I guess while actually describing the problem things get a little more clear. Do I just have next to no idea what I'm doing? That's kind of what it sounds like when I look back


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