# Ex-fiancee's cheating is still eating away at me!



## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Ok.. I'm going to try to compress this story as much as possible.... any advice is much appreciated as I am having a very difficult time. It has been 3 months since I broke up with my cheating ex-fiancee. We were together for 2.5 yrs. We moved very fast when we met (his choice) and moved in together right away (he asked me). We were not using protection (I was 22, he was 30... not playing the blame game but he manipulated me pretty well) and I got pregnant. Right before I found out, a few bad things happened between us that really scared me.

#1. His mother treated me awful. She caused a lot of problems between us. #2. He was very controlling and told me what to do all the time and talked to me like a kid.
#3. He was pushing me to have a baby but didn't want to get married first (which is what I wanted)
#4. He had an AWFUL temper. He SCREAMED at me in public on a few occasions (even at a wedding) for very stupid reasons and embarrassed me in front of friends and family.
#5 He had a very old school mentality about women, their purpose and how 'they should not talk back'.
#6 He loved partying with his buddies but hated going out with me (the few times we went out together, he would get hammered then pick a fight with me that would turn into a screaming match..so I guess that's why)...when he went out, he would leave me home alone waiting up for him till 4am and calling/texting him non-stop with no answer. He always made me feel like I was insecure and what he was doing is normal.. that I should have my own life and he should have his and that going out EVERY weekend with his friends instead of me is normal.
#6 One time he told me he was going to the store to get milk and he came back at 3am.

The events mentioned above were spread out over 3 months of living together...during this time we also had very happy moments obviously and had fun times too (and a great sex life) but those things always stuck in the back of my mind. I kept telling him I wanted to start using protection when we started having problems but he kept convincing me not to.. still don't know why I didn't stand my ground back then. We were doing great for a bit then we went on vacation with 2 other couples and he treated me horribly.. he was rude to everyone..always wanted to venture off on his own... he spent an entire 6 hr boat ride talking to a group of random strangers while I hung out with our friends.. and even ditched me in the hotel room one night when I was sick with heat stroke and shivering and went partying till 4am on the resort by himself!!!!! (I didn't know at the time that the sun made me sick because I was actually pregnant) When we came back from the trip I fount out I was pregnant. He was so happy and promised me it 'was just me and him from now on' and he was sorry for the way he acted lately and on the vacation. I tried to believe him. I loved him a lot and we did have a lot of passion... but after advice from friends and family and thinking it thru A LOT... I made the hard decision of having an abortion. (I honestly felt sick to my stomach when I found out.. I cried and I wasn't happy at all... is that not a red flag?) For some reason we stayed together for 2 yrs after that. During this time he cheated on me MULTIPLE TIMES.. and every time I caught him, he would blame it on my abortion.. all the guilt I felt for it (still do) made me eventually take him back. He also proposed and pushed me to set the date for our wedding. Then I caught him cheating AGAIN... and AGAIN he blamed it on the abortion. I finally broke up with him 3 months ago for good. It took him JUST 2 WEEKS to move on with another girl. They moved in after just 5 weeks of dating! He lives with her and her sister and her sister's bf in some basement apartment close to where I live. His sister and I are best friends to this day and to this day his sister barely talks to him for what he has done to me. She found out (he tells his mom, his mom tells his sister and his siters tells me) all the info about them and told me. He told his sister that he will never forgive me for the abortion and that this new girl is 'the one' and he will never cheat on her because she doesn't deserve it like I did. I have to admit hearing that hurts more than anything. Plus he knows that his sister tells me everything!

I got into a car accident when I found out about them (was stressed out and fell asleep at the wheel) I almost lost my life but happy to say that I am FULLY recovered since then! (really it's a miracle) He was not there for me AT ALL while I was recovering in the hospital! He only called ONCE and told me he was only calling to see if I'm ok and for me not to read anything into it because he's happy with his new girl!!!!! Can't explain to you how much I suffered during that time in the hospital and dealing with the BU at the same time! Since I have been fully recovered and hitting the gym again (I used to model part-time prior to the accident and have not worked since) his sister has told me that he CONSTANTLY texts her to ask about me..or even calls her from time. He only asks superficial questions but one time he asked her if I was seeing anyone! wtf! Aren't u happy with ur new gf like u said??

Recently he stopped asking about me. He now has a profile on facebook (which he refused to have with me when we were together and even made me cancel my facebook!!! ) with the new girl as his profile picture and added his sister as a friend of course! I have facebook now too and saw them both. The new girl looks lie a transvestite.. not trying to be mean but she has manly features.. however, they seem to have a lot in common. All of this still bothers me tremendously. It has been a very difficult journey and the car accident hasn't helped. I can't finacialy afford to get counseling right now for my abortion issues either. I hate him for putting me in that position that I have to deal with that decision for the rest of my life while he is gallivanting with new girl and moves on SO FAST almost as if he never loved me!!! We have matching tattoos on our wrists.. staring at it hurts.. in fact, everything friggin hurts! Although I am in a much better place then I was 3 months ago or even 1 month ago.. I still wonder and think and analyze this WAY too much on a daily basis! (my thoughts are always on him and what happened and it is hard to focus on other things) Is it possible that all of this happened because of the abortion or have I been gaslighted? I can't understand why I got in a car accident and he is with new girl and not even suffering over me! Or am I looking at this all wrong? I mean I am very very lucky to be alive and FULLY recovered with no permanent damage. (My car hit a pole on the highway.. everyone was shocked that I made it) Any advice on how to cope would be great... it is a hard journey and I GENUINELY want to make it through but I also need answers.

Thank you for reading!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds awful. What did you like about him? Advice: move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Good thing you never married him. Like Jellybeans said, move on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My son had a very intense relationship with a very very unstable young lady who cheated on him. They got back together briefly but it didn't last. And, apparently their relationship was very physical. But as I said she was completely batcrazy and violent to boot. A few years go by and he sees her with a guy - her husband, he's loser, and she got fat. I think he's over her for good. 

May they have 8 fat loser crazy kids together.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Just give it time, as hard as that is going to be right nw. Focus on you. Your strengths. Your future. The pain will lessen and eventually just disappear.

As far as the tattoo, in time get it changed if you can. Some of those artists are amazing. Or, keep it as a constant reminder of what you DON'T want again in your future...kind of like a victory battle scar. Because, really, this is a victory for you getting away from this loser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

Many men who physically abuse their spouses often apologize afterward, sometime even in tears. The abused spouses forgive them. Then the beatings begin again later. The cycle just goes on and on, until the spouses finally stand up and put a stop to the abuse.

It seems to me that you still think about him, a lot, especially his good things that make you smile. If what you described him is true: controlling, self-centered, unfaithful, angry issue, all these traits are marks of a dysfunctional family. Ask yourself if you want you child to grow up in such environment.

A person will not change his/her character just because of marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was posting to you from my phone the last time so I wasn't able to type more.

What I meant to say was: what do you miss about him? He sounds like a jerk who couldn't and did not appreciate you. So he has moved on to his next victim. Big deal. That tranny looking girl will find out what he's like in due time. 

I am sorry about your abortion and this toxic relationshp but you have got to let go of the past and really start getting angry and figure out why you stayed so long with someone who treated you like dirt. Once you stop romanticizing things in your head, really look to who he is. His character. His personality. He is a liar and wasn't supportive to you and was very verbally abusive (and prob mentally too). Anytime you are feeling sad, think about him screaming at you in public and coming back at 3 in the morning after goin to get "milk."

Focus on the reality, not what you WANTED your relationship to be with him. Cause the truth is, you didn't have a good relationship w/ him at all.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It sounds like he was cheating on your even before the abortion. Regardless, using someone's traumatizing experience as an excuse to cheat is incredibly low. He should've seeked help for his anger and attempts to "punish" and control you by cheating.

He will cheat on tranny someday, I'm almost positive. Because someday she'll p!$$ him off and he'll start punishing her the same way he liked to punish you. It was a double perk for him, he got to hurt you while getting his rocks off. It worked for him for over 2 years with you, so why would'nt he use it again in his new relationship.

Honestly, I think he's still trying to punish and control you. It's working too, since you're having a hard time letting it go. When you are emotionally free from him (given enough time you will be), then his actions will mean nothing to you anymore. When he realizes he can no longer control or hurt you, then you'll finally be free of him.

Good luck and stay strong, keep doing what's best for you. He sounds like total dirt and be glad you can keep him in the past where he belongs. You owe him none of your future, so enjoy your freedom and make it a good one.


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

wow.. thank you all for your advice during this difficult time. It helps to hear it from sane people that I am not crazy. 

I really hope that he does continue the pattern with the tranny in a way because it will validate things that much more for me.. I'd hate to think that I was a stepping stone for the next best thing especially since she is nothing special!

As for the abortion.. it helps to hear that it was a control mechanism and not the sole reason for his cheating. I have to constantly write, read and say out loud all of the problems we had prior to my pregnancy to remind myself of reality. It is very difficult because I have a big heart and I was very naive when him and I met so to this day I feel confused about everything.

I guess it's hard to let go because we were on the road to recovery and doing so well for like 5 months and then out of the blue he starts cheating again right before Valentine's.. hard pill to swallow when you fight so hard for something and finally get what you want only to have it taken away again. I still can't figure out what his motivation was given the fact that he was pushing me to set the date for our wedding AT THE SAME TIME and still pushing the baby idea once again. That's why I started believing even more that the abortion thing was not an excuse.. been analyzing it to death ever since.Total mind screw. 

Thanks again for the support. All advice is appreciated


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Him saying he cheated because you had an abortion is disgusting. 

Seriously. He's an [email protected]@hole. Be glad he's gone. 

No contact with hijm. Don't look him up online. Block his #.


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Him saying he cheated because you had an abortion is disgusting.
> 
> Seriously. He's an [email protected]@hole. Be glad he's gone.
> 
> No contact with hijm. Don't look him up online. Block his #.


Yes I know it's disgusting.. but he also begged, and cried..he wouldn't let me leave! EVER! So I believed him that he was torn up inside because of it.. a small part of me still believes him sadly.

Any advice on how to move on?

It seems impossible right now  I've dated casually and I always run when a guy gets close to me... I feel like none of them could give me those butterflies like he did.. And in a weird way I don't even want them to... like I'm resisting or something. Am i screwed up?

All my friends are married with kids (they're a bit older) and whenever I see them I try to picture myself married with kids and I can't picture that stuff with anyone but him.. Yet when he proposed it didn't feel right in my gut.. but not because I didn't love him, because he caused me a lot of heartache.

I know it sounds crazy but it's different when you're in the situation. I don't know how he can be living with a girl and LITERALLY substituting me with her without getting the same sickening feeling I get when a guy gets close to me. Especially since he had no intention of ever breaking up with me.. I left him! For being a douche no less! And what happens? he's in a new relationship happy as a clam (at least that's how I imagine them to be) and I'm recovering from a car accident, crying myself to sleep and incapable of socializing with any guy Why? I need help  why is this happening..


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. Let's put it in a sterile, medical descriptive way. When you are with someone, there is a chemical in your brain called oxytocin. It gives you that warm, safe, confortble feeling you had. Call it mature love, which is slightly different than PEA, which is the new relationship brain chemical that makes your heart flutter and get all giddy when you just meet someone and are really into them. Pea comes first, and creates a bond. Oxytocin comes next, after the PEA chemical eventually peters out. The oxytocin cements the bond that the PEA created.

Now. Both chemicals are highly addictive to your brain. As addictive as heroin. And once you left the relationship, you cut off your supply of oxytocin....COLD TURKEY! So, you know what you are feeling now? Withdrawals. Withdrawl symptoms from lack of oxytocin, as strong as going cold turkey on heroin. Your analytical brain KNOWS the relationship was bad. Destructive! But! The brain also craves the oxytocin. It's looking for it. It craves it! Like heroin! And it KNOWS it got it last from your relationship with your ex. So...you are now having conflicting thoughts...you know the relationship sucked. Bad. But...you are also trying very very very hard to convince yourself it wasn't that bad. Because your brain wants it's oxytocin fix. It will do anything to convince you to go back and get ome more. Need more fix!

Now. The good part is, like any withdrawl, it will eventually disappear. But, like any junkie, it takes a long time. You will start feeling better, then you will trigger again, due to some situation or memory, that reminds your brain where it got that oxytocin from and how good it felt. But, eventually, you will be free of these feelings. 

Just remain strong . Hold the course. Keep reminding yourself that it's just the junkie part of you that is confused and feels like crap. And keep reminding yourself that eventually, you will be free of the love juice addiction from thus man.

Eventually, you will find a better and more mature source for your love juice fix. A source that both treats you well and respects you greatly. Then, you can enjoy becoming a love junkie once again with this newer, better mate. One that makes you happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Best way to move on: ABSOLUTELY ZERO CONTACT. Noo checking up on him and no asking or hearing about him. Focus on the bad. Cause that's what it was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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