# Now husband cheated before marriage



## Rathernotknow (Feb 24, 2018)

I'm having a very hard time right now in deciding what I should do & What my next step should be? I feel like I'm in a nightmare & have no one to talk to about it because I don't want family or friends to know. First off I have been with my now husband 6 years but only married almost 7 months. We're suppose to still be in our honeymoon phase but that surely changed this week. I just found out my husband is the alleged father of 2 children that both were conceived before we got married but while we were "in a relationship". Everything has been so perfect in our marriage, now this. I'm deeply hurt & wish I knew about this before we got married but sadly we both found out at the same time. Paternity hasn't been proven but the thought of both of those children being his is killing me. Somebody please help I honestly don't know what to do right now.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Until you know for certain don’t burn any bridges.Has your husband admitted that these children are or may be his? If the children’s mother is claiming your husband is their father then a dna test will prove it one way or another.
If your husband is admitting that there is a possibility that he is the father then he is on the hook for considerable child support for a long time to come and maybe he will want to have some custody also.Are you prepared for years of lowering your lifestyle financially speaking because he had an overactive penis?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He possibly had two children with two different women (serial cheater) or he had two children with the same woman, which is a long term relationship. Wrap your mind around that. And this is just what you now know about! If he could do this, imagine what you don't know. The kicker is that he only told you because he had to! You know, now that he'll possibly have to pay child support and maybe be involved in the lives of his possible kids.

Also, you're going to have to tell your friends and family. If you leave, they'll need to know why so they can offer you support. If you foolishly stay, it's kind of hard to hide 1-2 children. You've only been together 6 years and are very recently married. If I were you, I'd run like I'm going for Olympic Gold.


----------



## Rathernotknow (Feb 24, 2018)

He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women. It seems unreal actually & he has laid everything out on the table. One of those situations where his skeletons are coming to haunt him. I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving because I was genuinely happy before this. Im honestly ready for the paternity testing and decisions can be made then, but I'm ready to know now so I can make them. It's eating me alive to not think about the possibility. I see others in situations like this when they were actually married when husband fathered a child & they stick it out but how. I just don't know.


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Rathernotknow said:


> He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women.


That's all you really need to know. You have only been married 7 months, so assuming you aren't pregnant yet and don't have kids with him, it's time to get out now because there is a strong possibility you are in for a lifetime of cheating. As it stands you do not have that much invested in the marriage. It may feel like you do since you have been with him for a while, but trust me, years down the road you may look back and say "why the hell didn't I leave when I still had time to fix my life?!?" Furthermore if it turns out they are his kids, you are going to be spending your money raising two kids that aren't even yours. And it is your money no matter if he's the sole breadwinner or not. You didn't' sign up for this.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are these children?


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rathernotknow said:


> He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women. It seems unreal actually & he has laid everything out on the table. One of those situations where his skeletons are coming to haunt him. I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving because I was genuinely happy before this. Im honestly ready for the paternity testing and decisions can be made then, but I'm ready to know now so I can make them. It's eating me alive to not think about the possibility. I see others in situations like this when they were actually married when husband fathered a child & they stick it out but how. I just don't know.


In my view, your marriage is a lie and not worth saving. He married you under false pretenses. He presented himself as an honest, trustworthy, man. In reality, he'd had two affairs _that you know of._ You married the man you thought existed, but who did not actually exist. You were happy because you were living in ignorance of his true nature. Now that you know, you cannot unknow.

If these aren't his kids, then you'll always know he cheated, was irresponsible in his cheating, and that he only told you because you were bound to find out anyway.

If one or both of these kids are his, there are two options. He either pays his support and ignores the child(ren) or he pays his support and is actively involved. 

If he bails on his kid(s) and only pays support, you'll never see him the same. You'll know that he can not only cheat and deceive, but that he can callously abandon his own innocent child, as well. If you want children with him, you'll wonder if he could/would abandon your child, too. And the answer is that, yes, he could.

If he decides to not only pay his support, but be involved, then he'll either be away from home when he is spending time with his kid(s) or he will be bringing them to the marital home for visits. He'll also be in contact with his affair partner(s) as co-parents until the children are old enough to make their own visiting arrangements. 

And, of course, if you have children of your own, they'll eventually do the math and realize their half-siblings were conceived when Mommy and Daddy were together. Unless you lie to them about when your relationship began, which is an option, I suppose.


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Rathernotknow said:


> I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving


No. It isn't.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

FalCod said:


> No. It isn't.


Bingo!

The calculus is easy here.

Marriage is only seven months old, so you don’t have years invested together.

Fortunately, you have not yourself made a baby with this man.

No need to remain tied to such a person. Best to sever ties now. And for God’ sake, woman, don’t have sex with this man now and risk getting into a situation that will complicate things!


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rathernotknow said:


> He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women. It seems unreal actually & he has laid everything out on the table. One of those situations where his skeletons are coming to haunt him. I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving because I was genuinely happy before this. Im honestly ready for the paternity testing and decisions can be made then, but I'm ready to know now so I can make them. It's eating me alive to not think about the possibility. I see others in situations like this when they were actually married when husband fathered a child & they stick it out but how. I just don't know.


If _either_ of them winds up being his, file for divorce, lest you wind up indirectly supporting him/her/them.

If, on the other hand, neither winds up being his, divorce him anyway.

Because he’s a serial cheat, and he’ll never stop cheating.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rathernotknow said:


> I'm having a very hard time right now in deciding what I should do & What my next step should be? I feel like I'm in a nightmare & have no one to talk to about it because I don't want family or friends to know. First off I have been with my now husband 6 years but only married almost 7 months. We're suppose to still be in our honeymoon phase but that surely changed this week. I just found out my husband is the alleged father of 2 children that both were conceived before we got married but while we were "in a relationship". Everything has been so perfect in our marriage, now this. I'm deeply hurt & wish I knew about this before we got married but sadly we both found out at the same time. Paternity hasn't been proven but the thought of both of those children being his is killing me. Somebody please help I honestly don't know what to do right now.


I don't know why you are keeping this a secret, but one way or the other it is going to come out. Either you are getting divorced and people will know why or you will be the step-mother to two children.

Let this sink in. Your husband had sex with at least two other women and may be the father of two children who were conceived while he was your boyfriend. That would have been a deal breaker before you were married (I assume), so why isn't it now?

This is not in the past. This is him being a cheater and not telling you. It is very probable that there were other women as well. He was actively cheating on you then, why do you think he isn’t now? He has kept this hidden, which is deceit. He has been deceiving you all this time.

If this woman says the children are your husband’s it is clear that they could be. Everyone knows paternity can be proven, so she wouldn’t accuse him if it was impossible that they are his.

Your husband should face this alone. He does not deserve your support or help in any way, shape or form. He is a cheater and a liar. You married him on false pretenses. If paternity is proven, you might even have a case for an annulment.



Rathernotknow said:


> He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women. It seems unreal actually & he has laid everything out on the table. One of those situations where his skeletons are coming to haunt him. I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving because I was genuinely happy before this. I’m honestly ready for the paternity testing and decisions can be made then, but I'm ready to know now so I can make them. It's eating me alive to not think about the possibility. I see others in situations like this when they were actually married when husband fathered a child & they stick it out but how. I just don't know.


This no longer has to eat your alive, dear one. You are worth more than being mistreated and lied to by a man who is supposed to have your back and be on your side. Clearly it’s all about him and how he feels. Even when you thought things were going well before, he was cheating on you. He is a manipulator. Run who is all about himself, not about you.

Even experts are unsure of whether people are lying or not. At this point you cannot know whether he is telling you the truth or manipulating you. That kind of relationship is one sided with you doing all the loving and caring and him using you and treating you well when he's getting what he wants. 

Again - RUN. You owe him nothing.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> In my view, your marriage is a lie and not worth saving. He married you under false pretenses. He presented himself as an honest, trustworthy, man. In reality, he'd had two affairs _that you know of._ You married the man you thought existed, but who did not actually exist. You were happy because you were living in ignorance of his true nature. Now that you know, you cannot unknow.
> 
> If these aren't his kids, then you'll always know he cheated, was irresponsible in his cheating, and that he only told you because you were bound to find out anyway.
> 
> ...


Think about this ^^^ op and remember for maybe eighteen years part of your husbands salary will be going to support these two (so far as we know,there may be more) children.For eighteen years every time you want to have a vacation,buy a car even something small like buying a piece of furniture will have to be carefully considered and debated because your husband is a cheating moron.Look into the future,do you want children and if so do you want their life shortchanged because of your husbands actions.Even further into the future you and him may have to work for many more years than you may have initially planned because of his stupidity.
Remember just because it’s him that has to pay child support you don’t get off scot free.What he can’t pay for in your marriage you will have to or else do without.
I am only talking about the financial side,your emotions must be going crazy right now and you are second guessing everything.
Just leave.
Really,just leave.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Rathernotknow said:


> . I just found out my husband is the alleged father of 2 children that both were conceived before we got married


How did you "find out"
Who told you that YOUR HUSBAND is the " alleged father of 2 children"

And AFTER someone told you this- he admits to 2 flings- 

At the very least- you HAVE to tell someone you trust so you don't implode-

You need major support.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rathernotknow said:


> I'm having a very hard time right now in deciding what I should do & What my next step should be? I feel like I'm in a nightmare & have no one to talk to about it because I don't want family or friends to know. First off I have been with my now husband 6 years but only married almost 7 months. We're suppose to still be in our honeymoon phase but that surely changed this week. I just found out my husband is the alleged father of 2 children that both were conceived before we got married but while we were "in a relationship". *Everything has been so perfect in our marriage,* now this. I'm deeply hurt & wish I knew about this before we got married but sadly we both found out at the same time. Paternity hasn't been proven but the thought of both of those children being his is killing me. Somebody please help I honestly don't know what to do right now.


Sadly, it's possible that this was an illusion created by your manipulative husband?

A lie detector session might help. And counselling.

What your next steps are depend on what you want. What he wants, seeing as what he has done to disrespect you, is secondary at the moment.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

His behavior shows a huge lack of responsibility and more children are likely to show up in the future. You will have to see the children's mothers for years to come and they are likely to throw it in your face that they were having sex with your man. 

It feels horrible now. It will only get worse if you stay with him. You are not responsible for this. Don't let him suck you into his misery over his poor choices of betraying you. You have been betrayed. Not by the fact that there are children involved, that only complicates matters, but by the fact that he cheated on you and deceived you.

The only reason you know this much truth now is because your husband had no other reasonable options but to tell you what he has. He is a proven manipulator. Unless you have seen some major transformation in your husband over the last year or so, before any of this became known to him, he has not changed from the lying cheater he was when he was sticking it in these other women, then sticking it in you. I know that is horrid and gross, but that is exactly what you should be aware of. Don't try to cover over the truth of what he was doing it will only make you cover up the truth in your own heart in order to deal with the horror of what he's done to you.

What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this story? I recommend you read some of the threads around TAM and see what misery the spouses of cheater have to deal with and how unlikely it is that he is trustworthy for you.

I recommend you read up on annulment in your state and get a couple books on divorce in your state, so you know your rights and responsibilities in this matter. Don't leave them out for your husband to read, you don't want to supply him with anything that will help him hurt you more.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

3putt said:


> Me thinks you posted this in the wrong thread.





Oops. Thank you, @3putt


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> One more thing: Others are right that you are not actually speaking to the celebrity that you think you are. The vast majority of celebrities pay other people to manage their social media account for them. They don't have the time or the need to do it themselves.
> 
> Even if he is the real thing, he isn't a good man. He is cheating on his wife after all. Your husband telling you that he was even thinking about having sex with another woman sent you into a tailspin, but you are actively and willingly participating in an affair with a married man. Anything he tells you is for the purpose of manipulating you. Is that how you want to live your life? I sure hope not. Wise up before this train wreck has serious causalities.


Me thinks you posted this in the wrong thread.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Rathernotknow, were either of these women married during their “flings” with your husband?


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
Im sorry you are here. You need to divorce this dog. He's cheated multiple times on you, and probably do it again.

Get yourself tested for STD's and run as far and as fast as you can.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> @Rathernotknow, were either of these women married during their “flings” with your husband?


And is it possibly more than two?


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Rathernotknow said:


> He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women. It seems unreal actually & he has laid everything out on the table. One of those situations where his skeletons are coming to haunt him. I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving because I was genuinely happy before this. Im honestly ready for the paternity testing and decisions can be made then, but I'm ready to know now so I can make them. It's eating me alive to not think about the possibility. I see others in situations like this when they were actually married when husband fathered a child & they stick it out but how. I just don't know.


I think you need a break and time to think away from your husband if you can. Is there a friend you can stay with for a little.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Also, do what you will. But if he is cheating this early in your relationship, will it ever get better?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Rathernotknow said:


> He denies that they are his but did admit of short flings with the TWO women.


For this reason alone, your marriage is a sham. You were in a committed relationship presumably heading towards marriage, and he cheated on you.



Rathernotknow said:


> I just honestly want to know if my marriage is worth saving...


No, it’s not.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> And is it possibly more than two?


At least somewhat likely, IMO, and any choice that isn’t divorce could very well result in even more of these revelations in the future.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Character is character, it affects every aspect of ones life. You husband has shown his is very poor. This will affect your life greatly as it already has. Better to feel a years worth of pain then a lifetime. Unfortunately without a lot of hard work on his part the phrase one a cheater always a cheater is true most of the time. Life is short and you can't get the time back.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Rathernotknow said:


> I'm having a very hard time right now in deciding what I should do & What my next step should be? I feel like I'm in a nightmare & have no one to talk to about it because I don't want family or friends to know. First off I have been with my now husband 6 years but only married almost 7 months. We're suppose to still be in our honeymoon phase but that surely changed this week. I just found out my husband is the alleged father of 2 children that both were conceived before we got married but while we were "in a relationship". Everything has been so perfect in our marriage, now this. I'm deeply hurt & wish I knew about this before we got married but sadly we both found out at the same time. Paternity hasn't been proven but the thought of both of those children being his is killing me. Somebody please help I honestly don't know what to do right now.


I'm a man. I don't speak for all, but perhaps for many. Some can't keep there dik in there pants. Simple as that. The dynamic of pusee is too good to pass up, until they either wake up (resulting in some dynamic life event) or mature. Cant predict the future, but you can assess past behaviors to see what you're up against. If you love him and can stomach the possibility of "outside influences" then, carry on. If you can't, I wouldn't risk, hoping he can change. Should you stay, establish a zero tolerance policy that is ironclad and stick to it. This way, you can at least say you gave him a chance. Don't mess around though.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

colingrant said:


> I'm a man. I don't speak for all, but perhaps for many. Some can't keep there dik in there pants. Simple as that. The dynamic of pusee is too good to pass up, until they either wake up (resulting in some dynamic life event) or mature. Cant predict the future, but you can assess past behaviors to see what you're up against. If you love him and can stomach the possibility of "outside influences" then, carry on. If you can't, I wouldn't risk, hoping he can change. Should you stay, establish a zero tolerance policy that is ironclad and stick to it. This way, you can at least say you gave him a chance. Don't mess around though.


Second sentence. 

Change “can’t” to “don’t” or “won’t.”

Very important distinction there.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

colingrant said:


> I'm a man. I don't speak for all, but perhaps for many. Some can't keep there dik in there pants. Simple as that. The dynamic of pusee is too good to pass up, until they either wake up (resulting in some dynamic life event) or mature. Cant predict the future, but you can assess past behaviors to see what you're up against. If you love him and can stomach the possibility of "outside influences" then, carry on. If you can't, I wouldn't risk, hoping he can change. Should you stay, establish a zero tolerance policy that is ironclad and stick to it. This way, you can at least say you gave him a chance. Don't mess around though.


Third sentence. 

Change “can’t” to “don’t” or “won’t.”

Very important distinction there.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The person you think you married is actually a false front from a person of poor character.

Consider yourself lucky to not have kids with this man.

Get STD tested and move on.

He will do this again if you stay, and the stakes could be higher at that time.

Get out now and don't look back.

If you stay, you'll deeply regret wasting more time when you should have bailed now when he cheats again.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Second sentence.
> 
> Change “can’t” to “don’t” or “won’t.”
> 
> Very important distinction there.



Yep. All man can control who they have sex with but some choose not to.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Being that he has 2 children, its highly likely he had sex with far more women than just those two. The chance of getting both women pregnant in 2 short flings isn't likely, and hasn't he heard of birth control? 

The thing is that even if they aren't his children he has still cheated, probably far more than he is admitting to, and then proceeded to marry you under false pretences, lying and deceiving you. 

Do you honestly think he will be faithful from now on? I highly doubt it. Can you face him being in regular contact with the women he cheated with to see these children for many many years? Can you trust him not to cheat again when he goes round to see the children or collect them? Can you put up with him having to pay a lot of money for many years in child support, maybe leaving you and any children you have short of money? 

Honestly I think you should end this marriage to this awful liar and cheat. Is this the sort of men you want to father your children? 
He has no moral values or integrity at all. Please get an std check as well.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Yep. All man can control who they have sex with but some choose not to.


deleted/no more need be said here. This is ground truth right here.


----------

