# Husband enables his adult son



## 2Xwifein AL (Sep 4, 2014)

I know I can't be the only person that deals with this issue. I am 44, husband is 52 married 5 years and together 6. He has two sons (32 & 29) and I have a daughter (24) and a son (21). We have no children together. The 29 year old is the problem child. He is his father's "pick" as I call him. He is the favored child out of the children. 

In the last six years since I have known him he has been in jail twice (and once before I met my husband) - DUI (2007), non payment of child support (2011) and possession of marijuana and paraphenalia (2012). My husband has paid his fines, court costs, paid twice to get his license reinstated after doing immature things like not paying a speeding ticket, not appearing in court etc. Just immature, simple things that he does over and over and his father (my husband) rushes in to "save" him. That's seems like enabling to me. 

I recently discovered that I have some health issues and although I work full time, I am exhausted most days and STILL have to go home and do all the things required in keeping a home. I am SO tired of working and someone else being given the financial fruit of my work. This is the main issue in our marriage. We have discussed it multiple times but now if I mention it, my husband becomes angry and threatens me with divorce. He sides with his son, no matter what wrong he has committed. He makes excuses for him but admits that his son is a pathological liar. 

Out of the 4 adult children, his 29 yo son is the ONLY one that he treats with way, with such favor. We have helped out the others here and there when they have hit rough patches (that's what parents do) but I have reached a breaking point on this situation. I think that it shows his son that he can do whatever he wants and not have to be accountable for the consequences. At least twice a year, there is a situation that arises. I don't know what else to do. 

Any advice I may not have thought of?? I am ready to call an attorney and be done with this marriage although I REALLY don't want to divorce my husband. I don't know how else to get away from this parasite.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Does the 29 year old live at home with you? If he does it would not be unreasonable to have him move out. 

If he doesn't live at home I think you should just consider the bail out costs, if they don't impact your lifestyle, water under the bridge. 

Just release on it and move on. Remember, at this point in life everyone has baggage they carry with them. If it isn't a son who's a bum it will be a crazy ex. There's always something.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I have a 21 year old step son that is a bum. The good thing is that my husband refuses to enable him.

Your husband is definitely enabling an almost 30 year old man. All of the BS he has gotten into is because he has caused it himself. Your step son is used to his father bailing him out when he messes up. One day, this could really cause a serious financial situation for you.

If my husband refused to listen to me about such a serious situation, I would either separate my money from his completely or divorce him. But since you say he threatens you with divorce, I would call his bluff or start the proceedings myself.


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## 2Xwifein AL (Sep 4, 2014)

Iver said:


> Does the 29 year old live at home with you? If he does it would not be unreasonable to have him move out.
> 
> If he doesn't live at home I think you should just consider the bail out costs, if they don't impact your lifestyle, water under the bridge.
> 
> Just release on it and move on. Remember, at this point in life everyone has baggage they carry with them. If it isn't a son who's a bum it will be a crazy ex. There's always something.


Thanks for the question. 

The son lived in our home until 18 months ago. His (then) 3 year old little boy pulled a drug pipe and empty Spice packs out from between the mattress and box springs of his father's (my 29 yo step son's) bed and brought it to my husband and I. 

After discovering that he was using drugs while living in my home, I ASSUMED my husband would tell him that he had to leave. One of the conditions of him living there, was no drug use (as he has a history of it) nor would he bring it into our home. Instead, my husband wanted him to "come clean" and just admit what he had done. I refused which resulted in a bad argument between my husband and I that resulted in my husband telling me to get "my sh*t and get the f*&k out" - his exact words. That told me where I stood in our marriage, behind his son, no matter what the situation.

Step son knew the rules, he violated the rules and I was the only one that was willing to enforce the consequence. 

My oldest step son is 32 and is the complete opposite. He and I are very close, he is married, has two sons, he works hard, takes care of his family and stays out of trouble. He tells me that it's pretty much been the same situation with his father and his brother for his entire life. No accountability for actions, giving him a free pass and cleaning up behind him his whole life. My oldest step son and I have actually discussed my husband and I divorcing becaes of his brother. He brought the subject up and told me that he would understand and I would be welcome at his home anytime because he understood. I am willing to help anyone that is helping themselves, but I am at a loss when it comes to the 29 yo son.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

2Xwifein AL said:


> After discovering that he was using drugs while living in my home, I ASSUMED my husband would tell him that he had to leave. One of the conditions of him living there, was no drug use (as he has a history of it) nor would he bring it into our home. Instead, my husband wanted him to "come clean" and just admit what he had done. *I refused which resulted in a bad argument between my husband and I that resulted in my husband telling me to get "my sh*t and get the f*&k out" - his exact words.* That told me where I stood in our marriage, behind his son, no matter what the situation.


Oh hell to the no......I would've left. He can become desitute saving his son by himself.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

What comes into my mind is: It is a parent's job to prepare the children to fend for themselves. What do think will happen to the son, if his father gets run over by a bus on his way home from work? How will he take care of himself then?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Honestly, I know a parent who enables her child to do whatever he likes and he's now in his 40s. Despite people constantly telling her to stop, it just never ends. This even alienated her other child who felt that it was favouritism yet it still didn't stop.

I think the main issue here is your husband's attitude and he's extremely adverse to changing it. He probably never will.

No matter what you do, how you separate money or bills etc, you will always come a very distant 2nd in your husband's mind. You don't even have a say in who lives in your house without being told to get out.

You might be able to change some of the results of your husband's actions but I don't think you'll ever change the way he thinks and that is the core of your problem.


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## 2Xwifein AL (Sep 4, 2014)

I get told that I can't let the past go and that I am not a forgiving person. I am the bad guy???? 

I'm sober, employed, educated, well read and a reasonably attractive woman. I lived on my own for 10 years and raised my two children without the benefit of their father. I tried to teach them accountability for their actions and that their choices helped to determine their path in life, so choose wisely. 

I fully believe in treating others the way I want to be treated and I try hard to put this into practice in my daily life. 

I'm not perfect by any means, but I am so tired of secondarily enabling an almost 30 year old man.


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## 2Xwifein AL (Sep 4, 2014)

dormant said:


> What comes into my mind is: It is a parent's job to prepare the children to fend for themselves. What do think will happen to the son, if his father gets run over by a bus on his way home from work? How will he take care of himself then?


I have used this analogy to my husband to make him see he's not doing his son any favors by having him rely on him to "save" him from his mistakes. What happens if my husband drops dead from a heart attack (or gets run over by a bus as you said) the step son will be up the creek without a paddle.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Just as your husband is enabling your step-son's bad decisions, you're enabling your husband's bad decisions. He's made it very clear what his stance is. So what are you going to do about it?

C


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

2Xwifein AL said:


> I get told that I can't let the past go and that I am not a forgiving person. I am the bad guy????
> 
> I'm sober, employed, educated, well read and a reasonably attractive woman. I lived on my own for 10 years and raised my two children without the benefit of their father. I tried to teach them accountability for their actions and that their choices helped to determine their path in life, so choose wisely.
> 
> ...


It's not about forgiveness, it's about being a parent who won't just make the easy decisions for their child but the tough ones too. It's not easy to say 'no' to your child. It's not easy to push them out into the world and force them to stand on their own two feet, but for some kids you can't just take the easy path every time. He's not helping his son at the end of the day, that's what he will never understand. Due to having his father to fall back on, the son will never grow up, never be accountable, never fall so far that he has to pick himself up out of the dirt and work hard to make something of himself.

What I see your husband doing is refusing to do the 'hard' parenting. This is probably where his son gets it from. Always taking the easy route, he learnt it from his Dad.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would take him up on it. He wants a divorce because he has a ****ty son and refuses to allow him to learn valuable life lessons?

Ohh hell no, by all means GO

Right now, everything your husband has done only enabled his son to do what he has been doing MORE.....after all, his father will bail him out every step of the way.

And for him to spend BOTH of your money to do that, ohh no, that wouldn't fly with me at all.

It would certainly be a deal breaker for him. I would hold the door open for him!!! Don't let the door hit you in the ass.....BYE


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

At least separate your finances so your money won't be wasted on the princess son. And, seriously consider 'getting your sh*t and getting the f out'.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> At least separate your finances so your money won't be wasted on the princess son. And, seriously consider 'getting your sh*t and getting the f out'.


Agreed

I would be pretty turned off by ANY parent enabling their kids like that......forget about HIM leaving, I would be calling a lawyer myself and handing in the papers.

screw that

OP, Forget about what has happened already, think about how much more crap there is to come from this........there will be dire consequences for you and your husband (and your finances) regardless (rather you like it or not).

Deal with this immediately!!!

Fact that you already allowed this should also concern yourself. Ask yourself why you allowed this sort of thing/make sure it never happens again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

2Xwifein AL said:


> I refused which resulted in a bad argument between my husband and I that resulted in my husband telling me to get "my sh*t and get the f*&k out" - his exact words.


Oh no, no, no. Unacceptable. Call his bluff - go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2Xwifein AL said:


> I refused which resulted in a bad argument between my husband and I that resulted in my husband telling me to get "my sh*t and get the f*&k out" - his exact words. That told me where I stood in our marriage, behind his son, no matter what the situation.


So why would you have to be the one to get out? It's your home. 

You are right, his son is first. And he's using your money to bail his son out. Separate your money at the very least. I think that divorce would be in order based on this.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I can't even being to tell you how many adults aka: overgrown children, I know who are SUPPORTED by their parents. 

These called adults have zero responsibilities in their life, zero financial ownership because mom and dad bail them out constantly, inability to make decisions on their own, etc. Its quite dysfunctional. These parents are not doing their kids any favors whatsoever.

I generally steer clear of these grown children, like I steer clear of any whackjob or dysfunctional person. I don't want or need them in my life, after all those years of being married to dysfunctional male numero uno, I avoid them like the plague and only befriend healthy, independent adults.

I suggest explaining to your husband that the constant bailing out of his son is costing YOU not just him. It affects you too and you're not ok with it anymore.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

I agree with what everyone else is saying.

My question is in regarding to the child - probably 5 now? The son has clearly done drugs in front of the child - how else would a 3 year old know that stuff was between the mattress? He saw his dad put something there. The father could end up back in jail for that behavior, right?

When your step-son moved out, I'm assuming he took his son with him? If so, I hate to think of what that little boy is being exposed to.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> At least separate your finances so your money won't be wasted on the princess son. And, seriously consider 'getting your sh*t and getting the f out'.


:iagree:

Hi OP:

I am close to your age married (4 yrs.) to a man with 2 adult sons. I also have 2 adult daughters.

My husband financially enables BOTH sons....uggg.

I feel the same way you do of course - that all adults SHOULD be financially & emotionally responsible, blah, blah, blah but the fact remains that not ALL people are. Many are drug addicts, alcoholics, mentally ill, lazy, irresponsible, stupid, foolish, etc.

...and like you, my adult children are both very responsible 

My advice to you is to separate your finances (I did) & let it go.

I *used* to be very frustrated about HIS sons & all it did was make ME upset so I took control of my life & let it go. 

You don't have to be all righteous & leave your husband that you love. Just set up your boundaries when it comes to his son.

Stop trying to FIX this situation because you can't & frankly, if I CHOSE to help/enable one of my adult daughters with my own resources & my husband was all pissy about it, talking about divorce, etc. I would tell him to hit the road & he would do the same to me & it is not because my adult children are my PRIORITY........it is because we both separate our issues. Our marriage is separate from our relationship with each of our own adult children.


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## LifeCanBeGoodRound2 (Oct 28, 2017)

Emerald, I agree with you. Like many of the people that posted here, I too am in a second marriage with a daughter, (19) and two step sons, (19 & 22). My husband has enabled his piece of garbage, drug-addict son for far too long, and while it upsets me to see him being the stooge that foots the bill for every problem including multiple stays in re-habs, legal fees for criminal attorneys, etc., I keep my finances separate. It’s my only sanity. I love my husband, he is a good husband, step-father, son, brother, son-in-law, and more. His son pulls on his heart-strings and he makes excuse after excuse for him. 

I have wiped a million tears from my husband’s face in the six years of our marriage. It kills me to see him get hurt by the actions of his children, (one that bleeds him financially with his problems and one that hasn’t spoken to him in 6 years), but I know that I cannot control what he does for his kids. I know that I wouldn’t stand for him telling me not to help my daughter either.

Bottom line, separate your finances, lower your expectations about the situation because it’s not going to change, and let go of the emotional attachment that you have to the situation. Let it be your husband’s problem, not yours. Focus on the things that are important and positive in your relationship and your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a 3 year old thread. The original poster is long gone. 

Closing the Zombie thread.


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