# Relationships got worse when we had our son!!



## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

For two years (our son is 2 years old now) I feel like our relationships did not get any better, even worse now. Don't get me wrong! I am so happy I have my little boy now! With him I can give and receive without thinking: "Oh, my God, when is the next yelling melt down!" My husband yells at me in front of our son! I hate him for that! I have been telling him to stop yelling in front our son and in general too...His only reply is - You made me to!! OK! I have said something to upset him, but how many brains should you have to NOT yell at all to resolve a conflict!??
Plus, I feel like I am never perfect for him!
He yells and makes arguments from little things just because he was under stress while driving home in his "about to brake down old car". 
I feel like he wants things to go only HIS WAY - The Right Way.
Situation this morning:
Three of us are about to go shopping. He takes out trash, and our boy runs after him - wants to help. I start the car to meet them at the dumpster. I look for my son on the sidewalk - he is far away from the road, but half way yo his dad. I drive by in different direction and see his face turned towards me. That's all I saw. I knew he was safe. Few minutes later I see both of them walking around the corner. Husband is angry and barks at me something. In the car he stats to tell me how I am stupid for not looking for our son, he apparently ran after the car. I start to say that I saw he was safe, but did not see he ran after the car. He did not want to hear my side of the story. That made him angry even more. I asked him to stop yelling. No response! " You have a kid, you have to be careful about this things!" I told him again what I saw. Than he turned the car back to the house and went back home saying that he can't stand me. And that I should have apologized! About what? That he was angry!
OK! I did not need any further yelling and I drove away. Later he told me, that I drove away - that means I can live without him! And he always gives me chances to be nice, but I always fail. WTF!! He gives me chances!!???
I am grate mother, homemaker, go to school FT and work PT. It is always hard to have new baby and be perfect!
I just cant stand his yelling and insults - like: I wish I never met you! Your have become so different for two years! Your are thinking stupid, and always question me! We should get divorce!
What is going on with him!?
I am so stressed with him around!
I am afraid


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

I just need to talk to someone. I am not sure what it is going on...with my husband.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Be honest, he has always been this way even before you had a child.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

yes, we had our fights before. 
tried to change each other. but he does not stop until now. he wants to make me a good cook, good wife....problem is always in me.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

If he never changes, what will you do?


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

I have to leave him, than. We are together for more than 4 years...
I am afraid he is going to take my son away, because he makes more money. I work PT and go to school FT...
I think it all was for wrong reasons...I blame myself for not having enough courage to leave before.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

I feel like he is always annoyed by me, angry because small things. 
I too react to his accusations with negativity....I just want him to stop calling me names and yell.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

See if you can get some counseling for yourself. 

If you are the primary caretaker of your child,the court won't take a child away from his mother.

Do you have any family close by?


Men like that like to be controlling and bullies and they never change.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

my family is back in Ukraine. his is here. 
is there counseling for low income people? i cant afford that


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

I am sorry for what your going through but you have to know he will NEVER change.Guys like him thinks by yelling and screaming they will get what they want,you'll always back up and do what he want or apologize or think of yourself as a loser (sorry).you are in a verbal abuse environment and he is acontroll freak,years from now you are going to look back and see the damage he put on you and your kid as well ,even if he loves him to death ,he will shout and scream at him as well  he will control the whole family cuz in his mind he is only right. I don't know whether to tell you leave or stay its your call ,but with no family of you around its tuff.you even have to accept that for the rest of your life or dont have more kids and later leave...good luck


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

Where do you live, Dragonfly? There are charities which can give you someone to talk to, but most likely you'lll have to pay if you want to talk with a professional.

If your family are far away, try and build a support system closer to you - friends from work or your school, neighbours, etc. And of course, this forum 

Your husband does not listen. Try writing him a letter instead, saying that as much as you love him and want a family for your little boy, you cannot keep living in a relationship where there is no communication, with a man who can only scream and yell but will not listen.

It takes two to make a relationship work. If he is unhappy with you or is not willing to better himself alongside you, then you must tell him you will not hesitate to go your separate ways.

How are other aspects of your relationship? Aside from the yelling, is he loving and caring in other ways? Does he hug/kiss you often, offer romantic gestures, help around the house? How is your sex life?

Sorry to bombard you with questions - it's just to get a better idea of your relationship.

I hope things get better for you.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Does your school have counseling?


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Thank you for all your support. I have no idea what to think in my situation, that is why I went looking for this forum.
This situations like the above one are always occur in our life. He says his view of a problem - blaming me right away, and I have to admit without saying my point of view. Maybe later I could bring it up again to try to say my opinion, or get hit with more opinions I can't change. 
But this is only my side of the story. I am glad I have talked to him last night. His side of the story is that I am bad mother that I haven't even looked or thought about my son possibly running after the car. He said he got very scared for him. He had to ran after hit to catch before he runs into the car. After that they had to change rout to the dumpster and follow the car, because my two year old decided to run after me. I know, I should have assured my son that I am going to pick them up. But his father was there! My son knows that moving cars are dangerous to be close to! He said that I had to apologize to him that I made this situation. I said that I get the problem and will make sure next time. But our arguing went on. He says that I have to listen to whatever he says. I have to use folk methods of medicine for runny nose of our son without questioning. I know that traditional medicine does not prove its benefits. At the end I have to lie that I have used carrot juice or some other juice for my son's nose. I lie because I know he would get upset. I am using humidifier (which he asks not to use) in Colorado dry air to help my son to breathe better. He knows better how to help our son - I don't.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Does your school have counseling?


I am sure they do have counseling. But its general, not marriage one. I have asked him just to try to talk to another person few times. He told me that I should do it, but he is perfectly fine.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Little Bird said:


> Where do you live, Dragonfly? There are charities which can give you someone to talk to, but most likely you'lll have to pay if you want to talk with a professional.
> 
> If your family are far away, try and build a support system closer to you - friends from work or your school, neighbours, etc. And of course, this forum
> 
> ...


Hi, 
So I wrote him a letter last night, he was at friend's place. Came back late and asked to talk. His main question was: Why you talk about how you hurt? What about me hurting when you are not listening to me? Plus, he said that he yells only when I try to say my opinion and try to defend myself.

His under stress at work, trying to get money for family, giving me chance to study and not to worry about working too much, and when he is home early enough (it happens few times a week) he sees our son in dirty pants or with food on his face he thinks I am bad mother for not taking care of him. Even worse - if do that when he is home, I probably neglect his son when he is away. He says he can't trust me with keeping house clean (he can't stand dishes in the sink when he comes home tired), making him dinner in time, keeping our son healthy and clean. So I asked him - Am I not his mother? I madly in love with our little one - he is my happiness!

Its OK that you asked questions. I know that people have ideas how they want to be loved by others. If to answer the question about love - I feel his love sometimes. He would buy me flowers sometimes, he would hug me (but not as often as I would do), many times I come to hug, he just stands there or walks away after few seconds. After I ask him - where is my hug, he would ask same question. He is great provider, but he always makes sure I remember how hard he works. 
He always tired and stressed - wakes up grumpy, I have watch what I say, or he can blow up at something.
Sex, I don't really want anything from him because most of the time I get excited and nothing happens for me. It can get pretty nice when we are both in good mood, but it could be only once in two weeks. Other times its just for him! I could walk away thinking = what was it!? I think you know what I mean.
He helps around the house when I am busy with homework, but always makes clear that its my area, he only brings money home.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

What a ****. It would benefit the rest of humanity if you killed him, but it might be hard to explain that to a judge. You need to leave him and never look back.

I guess the first step would be to document the way he is behaving. Get a dash cam in your car that records sound. Start collecting videos of this stuff. It would be nice to show that kind of insane ranting to lawyers, a judge, psychologists, etc. It'll be easy to rule that he's completely insane and should have very limited custody of your kid.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Little Bird said:


> Where do you live, Dragonfly? There are charities which can give you someone to talk to, but most likely you'lll have to pay if you want to talk with a professional.
> 
> If your family are far away, try and build a support system closer to you - friends from work or your school, neighbours, etc. And of course, this forum
> 
> ...


 We live in Denver, CO.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

So, I get that its situation does not bring more love in our family. What do I do now, how do I act now? Should I set dinner table exactly when he comes home! Should I not defend myslef in any situation, should I just listen and agree!?
Or should I let it all go !???


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Why always complaining about me??? I do not get this!? When I say something wrong with him, it is impossible, or he is just stressed.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

His words sometimes: "If you don't want to live like I need, You should go and find that full who would live with you!"


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

When he is done puffing and huffing! He is all nice and cuddly! But still expects me to apologize, but I do not care about that cuddliness. I hurt. I neglect now even more to talk to him, or to explain simple things I do around house etc. I neglect him even more.


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## NewLife2013 (Dec 4, 2012)

Dragonfly, sorry to hear you are going through this.

I have not been on this forum for a long time and can offer little compared to some other posters. However, from what you are describing, you husband is abusive to you, consistently. I would not take this lightly and I would be concerned about your son growing up in such circumstances. I am not an expert on the area, but I have read few posts here on Bipolar Personality Disorder (BDP) - you can try searching the posts - and see whether you husband exhibits those traits. 

In any case, I think you need to protect your son and yourself. I hope others here will help you get to the bottom of the things and you can decide what the best course of action is. You are going through so much - hang in!


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You can go to general counseling for yourself.

It sounds like your husband is American and you are from Ukraine.

How did you meet him?

If you want to leave, you can. Call a domestic violence center and they will provide shelter and help for you and your son. You can get legal help too.

Do you have any friends at school or teacher to talk to?


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Are you able to fly back to the Ukraine?


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Tigger said:


> You can go to general counseling for yourself.
> 
> It sounds like your husband is American and you are from Ukraine.
> 
> ...


No, He is Ukrainian too.
I have read some info online, maybe I am acting wrong on his complains at the beginning. I blame myself, but when I get blamed I explode and make victim out of myself.


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## _Dragonfly_ (Jan 13, 2013)

Tigger said:


> Are you able to fly back to the Ukraine?


I don't want to, my life is here. School, future of my son.


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## Eagles_Fly (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't try to figure out his behavior. It's not logical nor reasonable. Try to leave.


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