# Advice about Wife's drinking



## Casey1979 (May 9, 2014)

Hello Everyone.

I really need some good advice. 

My wife and I have been married almost 9 months. Life has been wonderful. Except for one thing.

We had a long distance relationship back before We married. We talked about everything. We both come from previous marriages so we wanted to cover all the bases. One thing we discussed was drinking alcohol. We both agreed that it was okay to drink casually. (Example: Having a glass of wine or so at dinner while we are out.)
I have previously drank when I was younger. Never was addicted to it, and had no problem not drinking at all. Never has been a desire.
After we got married, we ended up moving to another house, etc. Basically getting into our lives together. I had noticed some odd patterns about my wife. We would be home watching tv or just enjoying each others company and she would seem to get emotional easily (angry/crying). Then she would fall asleep way earlier than I would. I mean out like a light.
I was concerned and looked in her top drawer of her dresser and found a half empty 1Liter bottle of Seagrams 7 whiskey. I was floored. I woke her up and asked her about it. She was of course sleepy and drunk and shrugged it off. She apologized and said she just had a rough day and it wouldn't happen again.
To make a long story shorter. Since that day for about 4 months, I would find bottles here and there hidden from me. The same scenario would happen of her being emotional and falling asleep. I caught her in the act of taking a drink several times. 
I spent many nights awake feeling helpless, heart-broken & alone.
I was afraid to tell my family bc I didn't want to bother them or let them know our marriage was already having problems. I had moved to my wife's city, so I had no friends. 
Finally on New Year's Eve it really got out of hand. The night ended up with her passed out after insulting me several times, making lewd comments about guys on TV, etc.
The next day she apologized and said it would never happen again. 
She claims she has never tried to hide the alcohol from me and that she was used to being alone and not accounting to anyone so she didn't think anything of it.
It didn't make any logical sense. I could write another paragraph about how many times she would wait til I was in the bathroom, or out of the room, and she would grab a quick drink. I've caught her doing it. I found bottles in her car, in the bathroom, closet, between the mattress, drawers, her purse, even at her job.

After our talks, things would seem better. We agreed no alcohol in the house. Then it was going to Happy hour and having several drinks there. Then the same personality would come out, irrational and insulting.
She still claims she has never hidden the fact that she had drank at home.
Shouldn't have something as big as that been mentioned back before We got married?

I feel violated about it. It makes me not trust her at times. If she will readily lie about that, what else will she lie about? I've forgiven her, but the hurt is still there because she never has owned up to the fact that she hid it from me.

It keeps being brought back up because she mentions she would like to get a glass of wine when we are out on a date. I let her because I LOVE her and like to make her happy.

We used to have these talks about going up into wine country and do wine-tasting, and do stuff thats romantic, like couples do.

Now the mention of alcohol just brings up these horrid feelings inside of me. I REALLY don't know what to do. She has came out and said she won't stop drinking the occasional glass of wine at dinner.

I NEED HELP.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

First of all , before you can help her, she must first admit that she wants and needs help.
You can't force a person to " accept " help if they're not interested in changing.

I think that her alcohol abuse is just a symptom of something deeper.
Addictions , whether alcohol, drugs or porn , usually are.
She might be unhappy about her life.
I saw you mentioned that you sometimes find empty bottles in her car and on her job.
This would definitely land her in trouble, not a good sign at all!

Tell her that you're unhappy because she's unhappy and suggest a professional third party [ marriage counselling.]
The marriage counselor should be able to get something out of her and she could progress to individual counselling and probably Alcoholics Anonymous.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, you do need help, and my suggestion is to either get into some counseling on your own, or look into Alanon.

You cannot control your wifes drinking - only she can. What you CAN do is refuse to become a codependent - refuse to enable her in ANY way. I am no expert, but she does sound like an alcoholic, and if she is, you must have ZERO tolerance for alcohol in her life. This means you NEVER give her 'permission' to drink - ever. This means you refuse to buy it for her, you refuse to ignore it when she does drink, and you decide when you've had enough. Because she won't change just because you want or need her to. She has to do it for herself.


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## Casey1979 (May 9, 2014)

Thanks for the advice so far.
It is just hard because we have an amazing relationship. We get along, we have the same interests, same job interests, etc.
It just this UN-willingness to give up alcohol, and how easy it is for her to deny the fact she tried/tries hide it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Casey1979 said:


> Thanks for the advice so far.
> It is just hard because we have an amazing relationship. We get along, we have the same interests, same job interests, etc.
> It just this UN-willingness to give up alcohol, and how easy it is for her to deny the fact she tried/tries hide it.



Have you ever asked why she's unhappy?
Do you think she would be willing to try counselling?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Do you have any idea how much she really drinks? If she is hiding it like this its been a problem and been one for a while. My mother is a long term alcoholic and the denial queen about it. I grew up with bottles hidden all over the house, the car…everywhere. 

She sounds in complete denial.  In her head she doesn’t view it as a problem. This is your core problem. Some you can never get out of the denial phase. You can ask to go to therapy, see a doctor all that sort of stuff and it will always be answered no. She never mentioned it before marriage because to her it’s a non-issue. 

Do the two of you keep your finances separate? Im asking because you can get a pretty good idea of how much she is drinking from the money trail. Right now she is probably just better at hiding it around the house. They just don’t go cold turkey when they are at the stage of hiding bottles everywhere. 

Alcohol was and is my moms best friend and she has always chosen it over everything and the sheer volume of booze they can drink and “act” normal can be shocking in itself. Based on my experiences I can tell you worst case progression over a lifetime and carribean man is correct she is using booze to mask something else.

Your problem isn’t the occasional glass of wine at dinner. First I would suggest to you to start doing some investigative work and try to get an idea of how much she is or isn’t drinking. Where I live drinking is almost a way of life for many and none ever view it as a problem. Confronting her will only make her deny it more. 

Even if she doesn’t have a big problem with drink her complete unwillingness to discuss it with you to try and work out a happy medium will sooner or later start to turn into resentment with you which will lead to other problems.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> First of all , before you can help her, she must first admit that she wants and needs help.
> You can't force a person to " accept " help if they're not interested in changing.


This is true. And bear in mind that denial is a real thing.



> I think that her alcohol abuse is just a symptom of something deeper.
> Addictions , whether alcohol, drugs or porn , usually are.
> She might be unhappy about her life.


I know exactly nothing about porn addiction. But for chemical addiction, this is absolutely 500% not true. Alcohol and drugs play merry games with some part of physiology whether the brain stem or something else.

I have no actual useful advice. But I did want to call this out. This is really not correct.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Casey1979 said:


> Thanks for the advice so far.
> It is just hard because we have an amazing relationship. We get along, we have the same interests, same job interests, etc.
> It just this UN-willingness to give up alcohol, and how easy it is for her to deny the fact she tried/tries hide it.


So yah. Married nine months. She is completely in denial. Get out. Get out now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Casey1979 said:


> It is just hard because we have an amazing relationship. We get along, we have the same interests, same job interests, etc.
> 
> It just this UN-willingness to give up alcohol, and how easy it is for her to deny the fact she tried/tries hide it.


You are married to an alcoholic. Like it or not. And I can tell you from experience: it WILL get worse. Unless she gets help. And until she wants it, she will continue to hide the booze, lie about the booze, and manipulate you.

Listen to what I am saying her: SHE WILL MANIPULATE YOU.

Addicts do what they do. They lie. 

I married an amazing man. We loved doing the same things. We had many interests in common. 

He continued to drink. The drink took control of the man. The man checked out.

Please seriously consider Al-Anon. I started going in 1996 and didn't have a clue what the heck the roomful of people were talking about. 

But I sure understand it now. 

Maybe it is time for you to get clear on boundaries.

I loved my husband very much; still do. But I had to enforce a boundary that he crossed repeatedly. I left almost five years ago.

And I'm not going back unless/until he works a serious recovery program. Period.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to get out. Now. You dont even know who you married. Save yourself decades of pain and heartbreak.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Start exercising together and regularly. 3 times a week.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

honcho said:


> Alcohol was and is my moms best friend and she has always chosen it over everything and the sheer volume of booze they can drink and “act” normal can be shocking in itself.


Honcho, sounds like you and I had the same mother!

I agree with all of this. The total denial an alcoholic can live in is incredible. 

If I could do it all again as a child, I think I would have tape recorded my mom, so she could later hear what she sounded like when drunk. 

Casey, the next time your wife acts "irrational and insulting" I recommend you either record her with your cell phone or video camera. Then play it back when she is sober. That MIGHT get her out of denial and convince her to seek help. It certainly couldn't hurt.


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