# SAHM sleeping late... Approach?



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My wife likes to sleep late. She's a SAHM, so I end up getting up with our son (3YO)every morning before I go to work. Before I go to work at 9am, I have to wake her up. 

Our daughter (2YO) seems to sleep later most days, but on my days off, I end up getting her up. A few months ago, I made a deal with my wife that she would wake up early one of my days off. It never happened. 

It's not so much that I want to sleep late, I'm an early riser; but more that she sleeps until 11am. So I'm watching the kids while she's sleeping. No biggie for me, but not really a fair division of responsibility IMO. 

So this summer, we've been staying with my parents at their summer home. My mother or I wake up with the kids and my wife sleeps until 10:30-11:30am almost every day. My mother isn't complaining, but I can see that they tire her out. On my days off, I'm usually up early with the kids, but the days I work, it's only my mother. 

So... Should I tell her to start setting her alarm? Should I gently suggest she set her alarm? Should I set my alarm really loud? Or, should ignore it and just let her sleep? 

I am developing resentments over it. Not really the sleeping, but when she wakes up, she suggests I don't know what it's like to take care of the kids. Today it was that I never pack the kids clothes to go to the summer home. Yes, because I'm at work when they leave. That makes me mad. 

The other day, my mother overhead her telling a friend how difficult it was waking up with the kids. My mother implied it was frustrating listening to her, because she and I got up with the kids that morning and my wife got an extra nap in that day. This was after my wife visited her sister for two weeks and left the kids with myself and my mother. Her sister had a baby.

EDIT: Most of my reason for posting here is to vent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess I'd like a bit more info.

Sounds like you never get a chance to sleep in. Is this true?

How much time do you spend with the children after work and on weekends?

How much time do you spend with your wife, just the two of you?

You need to talk to your wife about this because it's causing resentment. But first you need to figure out what you really what and what's fair.

Your wife does need to get breaks from child care. Its also true that you have a responsibility to take care of your children part of the time both to build your relationship with them and to give your wife a break. But you should be able to sleep in once a week as well if you want to.

There is no way that your wife should be sleeping in on days when you are not there to take care of the children. Putting this off on your mother is wrong unless your mother volunteers.

So what is the schedule you would like to have in place?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife was/is also a SAHM and I've been told many times, and she is correct, that a mom is on call 24/7. She never really gets a day off and in that regard, she is correct. 

Do not under appreciate having to watch and care for two children under the age of 5 all day, every day, and every evening. That is exhausting. Going to work is much easier than caring for little people all day long. I'm convinced of that.

I might talk to her about equal division of responsibilities but again, we don't have enough information to know what kind of guidance would even make sense.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of the sleeping in part at all. My guess is that she stays up later after the kids go to sleep so that she has some alone time and some unwind time, which she likely desperately needs. My W did that too when our kids were small.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

why in god's green earth would you deliberately wake up your kid on the weekend? Let the little monsters sleep. Go out to the gym and work out, stop at a coffee shop on the way home. Let the kids destroy the house with your SAHM in the middle of it. Let her clean up the mess.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I guess I'd like a bit more info.
> 
> Sounds like you never get a chance to sleep in. Is this true?
> 
> ...


I'm used to getting up early. I don't really need to sleep in or get more sleep.

When I'm not at work, I'd probably say I'm watching the kids at least half the time. She goes on her appointments on my days off, so if I factor that in, I probably watch them slightly more then her.

Time together... She does say we don't spend enough time together. She's asleep in the morning, then when I get out of work, we're watching the kids. When the kids go to bed, I'm usually pretty close to bed myself. When we are at my parents summer home, we get more time together. I do go to sleep early most nights. Probably 9:30pm. She stays up late. 

I do need to know what's fair and what isn't. 

In regards to my mother watching the kids, she has and does offer. But I often feel my wife takes advantage of this. My wife would say, "Your mother offered". My mother is like me; she wouldn't complain about watching the kids. My wife often complains about how difficult it is to watch them. How tiring it is. She implies I don't understand. I'm just not a complainer, I quietly do without complaining. 

I don't know what schedule I'd like. Both of us getting up at the same time would be the ultimate, but I don't know if that's realistic. I don't mind her getting her sleep. But, it's every day. I feel worse when it's getting dumped on my mother because she won't say anything or complain. She'll just do.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> why in god's green earth would you deliberately wake up your kid on the weekend? Let the little monsters sleep. Go out to the gym and work out, stop at a coffee shop on the way home. Let the kids destroy the house with your SAHM in the middle of it. Let her clean up the mess.


I don't wake up the kids, they wake up on their own. My son, early. I've been taking him out with me. Mostly for breakfast, or an adventure. We're usually back by 10:30am.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is your wife a night owl? If she's staying up very late then she's obviously not going to want to get up in the morning with the kids. Especially with your mom there to help. Time for a talk.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> My wife was/is also a SAHM and I've been told many times, and she is correct, that a mom is on call 24/7. She never really gets a day off and in that regard, she is correct.
> 
> Do not under appreciate having to watch and care for two children under the age of 5 all day, every day, and every evening. That is exhausting. Going to work is much easier than caring for little people all day long. I'm convinced of that.
> 
> ...


I will never diminish the time and effort that goes into being a SAHM. I know how tough it is. I have been home alone with the kids for days at a time for one reason or another. It's draining.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Is your wife a night owl? If she's staying up very late then she's obviously not going to want to get up in the morning with the kids. Especially with your mom there to help. Time for a talk.


I've suggested going to sleep earlier. She does stay up late. But, she claims it's because she cannot sleep.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> I'm used to getting up early. I don't really need to sleep in or get more sleep.
> 
> When I'm not at work, I'd probably say I'm watching the kids at least half the time. She goes on her appointments on my days off, so if I factor that in, I probably watch them slightly more then her.
> 
> ...


Does she like to tell people how she never gets any time off, that at least you get to come home from work, that she does everything because her job is 24/7?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Does she like to tell people how she never gets any time off, that at least you get to come home from work, that she does everything because her job is 24/7?


Yes to the first. For the second, she gives me zero credit for my contribution. And yes to the 24/7 thing. 

I actually began taking an extra day off work to help with the kids. She frequently calls me at work to ask if I can come home early, and gets mad when I cannot.

EDIT: The day my mother overheard her telling her friend about how difficult it was to wake up early with the kids, my mother and I were up with my son at 5:30am.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> I've suggested going to sleep earlier. She does stay up late. But, she claims it's because she cannot sleep.


She can't go to sleep when she should because she's sleeping every morning until 11:00. If she made herself get up when the first child got up then that would very quickly change.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Since you don't mind getting up I'm not sure what the issue is. If your wife is getting everything done that needs to be done during the week let her sleep in on the weekends, that's her escape. 

BUT...she should not be having your mom get up with the kids during the week, grandma has already did her parenting bit so even though she is happy to help it should absolutely NOT be her job.

When I was married my wife was like yours, she loved to stay up late while I needed to be in bed early because I was up at 5:00AM. The weekends were no big deal, but during the week I always went to bed alone. The frustrating part of that scenario is the person who is the stay at home can alter their sleep schedule to be more in sync with their partner, and in my opinion they should. That evening time unwinding together in bed is a very important part of the intimacy of a marriage, not just sexual intimacy but simply being able to talk about the day.

So what's the best approach? First she needs to stop letting grandma get up with the kids, no compromise there. As for the weekends maybe compromise and let her have one morning to herself, and the other morning make family time, maybe breakfast together or church if you're so inclined. And if your schedule is inflexible do to work I think she should make an attempt to be more in sync with your schedule.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Taking care of very young children is not something every female is automatically good at. Or enjoys doing. It's tremendously exhausting. You don't usually discover that until after you have them. It will be tough going until they are older and more self-sufficient. I hope you aren't planning on having more.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Perhaps if you approached this from a time with her perspective? If you told her you really missed having quality time with her and that you feel the best way is if you are all on the same schedule you could put the kids to bed and have some time together in the evenings and go to bed at the same time you'd feel more connected?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Taking care of very young children is not something every female is automatically good at. Or enjoys doing. It's tremendously exhausting. You don't usually discover that until after you have them. It will be tough going until they are older and more self-sufficient. I hope you aren't planning on having more.


She wants more. I don't. 

She has had very difficult pregnancies. I can handle another child, I cannot handle another pregnancy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you watch the children about half time when you are off work. That's fair. 

The way I look at it is, let’s say that your work day is 9 hours between work and commute. So she take care of the children for 9 hours. So you are both ‘working’ for 9 hours. After work all child care should be split about 50/50. The children are as much your responsibility as they are hers.

I think you need to be more concerned about the fact that you and your wife spend very little time together, just the two of you. This is a marriage killer.

I would not mention the child care thing. Instead concentrate on your relationship with your wife. The two of you should be on the same schedule so that you have time together.

If she is having trouble going to bed when you do, she can use Melatonin to retrain her body to get to bed earlier. If she took 3mg about half an hour before bedtime she should be able to fall asleep. If 3mg does not work she can increase it slowly to see what does work. Melatonin is not a sleeping pill or a narcotic. It’s the hormone our body produces to make us sleepy.

When a couple does not spend enough time together, just the two of them, things like affection, non-sexual intimacy decline. Over a few years often they decline to nothing. Then the marriage is reduced to two people living separate lives. That’s when affairs and divorces happen. You and you wife are sound like you are at the point where your bond to each other is dying. The grouchiness and resentfulness is a huge indicator. 

What time do your children go to sleep? You should have about 2 hours together nightly after they go to sleep. Then on weekend the two of you should be planning about dates. Shoot for about 15 hours a week together. It would be better to have your mother help out so that the two of you can re-connect then to have her watch your children so your wife can sleep.

So instead of talking to her about who watches the kids more/less and when, talk to her about how much you love her and that you want to start spending more time with her. You want to date her. Now that’s something that she is more likely to get excited about.

Before you talk to her, get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Read them. Then read them with her and the two of you do the work laid out in them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I'm sure she does find it difficult to get up early with the kids (as she told her friend) and that's why she doesn't do it. That doesn't mean she can't learn to do it.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You say that you watch the children about half time when you are off work. That's fair.
> 
> The way I look at it is, let’s say that your work day is 9 hours between work and commute. So she take care of the children for 9 hours. So you are both ‘working’ for 9 hours. After work all child care should be split about 50/50. The children are as much your responsibility as they are hers.
> 
> ...


The kids are in bed at 8:30pm. She usually eats dinner at that time. I usually eat with the kids. I've been trying hard to have us eat together, but she says she's not hungry. I've been firm, but it hasn't been working. I also think her eating late keeps her up at night. She also has eating issues, so it's not as simple as me eating with her. As well, she will open a beer before eating anything all day. I think the beer limits her appetite. 

She is on a lot of medication, and I'm not sure another "pill" is what she needs. If it was me, I'd just change my sleeping schedule. 

We should go out more. But, every time we go out, she just complains that we don't do "this" enough. I literally want to say "Shut up and enjoy it instead of ruining it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> She wants more. I don't.
> 
> She has had very difficult pregnancies. I can handle another child, I cannot handle another pregnancy.


Apart from the sleep issue, how is she at dealing with the children?

The dynamic of going from two children to three children can be significant for some. I didn't have three myself but my son did and when they were all small and I helped with them it was far more difficult for me than when there were just two of them. I had only one child for a reason -- he was all I could handle and work full-time. Everyone needs to know their limitations. If she's not getting up with the two she has now then why would she get up with a third or fourth.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you the one who posted before in another thread that she doesn't eat all day because she doesn't have time or isn't hungry and then eats late? If so, she has more going on than just sleeping late. If not, it's still not good she's not eating dinner with you and the kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> The kids are in bed at 8:30pm. She usually eats dinner at that time. I usually eat with the kids. I've been trying hard to have us eat together, but she says she's not hungry. I've been firm, but it hasn't been working. I also think her eating late keeps her up at night. She also has eating issues, so it's not as simple as me eating with her. As well, she will open a beer before eating anything all day. I think the beer limits her appetite.


Ok so she has a lot of bad habits. She’s on a lot of pills but drinks beer? What kinds of pills is she on?


lessthennone said:


> She is on a lot of medication, and I'm not sure another "pill" is what she needs. If it was me, I'd just change my sleeping schedule.


Yea, just catagoriclaly rejecting something that could be used short term to re-set her sleep cycle because it’s physical form makes a lot of sense. Like I said it’s not a drug.


lessthennone said:


> We should go out more. But, every time we go out, she just complains that we don't do "this" enough. I literally want to say "Shut up and enjoy it instead of ruining it.


The way to get her to stop complaining is go out with her more, not less. She’s absolutely right. You two need to go out and do things together more.

What I’m seeing here is that you are getting suggestions for solutions and you have a negative response as to why they won’t work.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I'm sure you are frustrated that she acts like your contribution (working full time) is nothing. Have you reminded her that she would not get to stay home if you weren't working. Have you asked if she would rather go back to work or swap spots with you? I understand staying home is a hard job, but working generally isn't all fun and games either. 

If she isn't doing well with staying home, she either needs to go back to work or talk to a therapist about her issues. 

She needs to get up earlier, at least one day on the weekend. I think it I disrespectful to put that on your mom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Total nonsense in my opinion.

I'm a night owl...always have been...but I have to work. As such, I get up early and earn a living. I allow myself to sleep late on Saturdays. That's my late morning.

Your wife has a job too and not even much of one. Its her responsibility to get her lazy butt out of bed and watch the kids.

I do not understand why men like you tolerate this crap. Either she watches the kids or she gets her lazy butt to work. Total nonsense that your mom is having to watch the kids because she's sleeping half the day.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If I heard you right, she opens a beer at 8:30 p.m. before she eats dinner, she eats after everyone else, then she stays up late, alone, and then she sleeps in late in the morning.

It sounds like she might be needing alone time, and this is how she has figured out how to get it. 

If she were to get up earlier it translates to that many more hours of stress and having to be "on" for everybody. Do you think she is avoiding people? Depressed?

If she is not depressed or actually avoiding people, she can adjust her schedule by eating with everyone, geting the children to bed a bit earlier, then she can have time with you. But when will she get her alone time?

If you are naturally an early riser, it is not fair for you to try to make her like you any more than it would be fair for her to try to get you to change your habit of getting up early. But staying in bed until 10:30 and 11 is a bit much in my opinion. She must be staying up way too late. Why is she staying up so late? Alone time? Avoiding you? Gets deep into a project and can't put it down? On the internet?

She definitely needs to get up earlier, but not necessarily at 5:30 a.m. You and she need to find the root problems leading her to stay up so late and get up so late.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Why is your wife not purposefully on your schedule? It sounds like she doesn't want to spend time with you. If you are the one who has a schedule because of work, then she needs to be on your schedule to maximize the time together. She should be going to bed with you so you are in bed together. She should be eating dinner with you...I am confused. If she really wants to maximize her time with you, she has to do that.

I ask because I am a mother who is off work right now for the summer. I have kept myself on my husband's schedule the entire summer to maximize our time together. He didn't have to ask. I just did it because I missed him.

I think you have some deeper issues in your marriage than her schedule. You need to talk to her asap.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Apart from the sleep issue, how is she at dealing with the children?
> 
> The dynamic of going from two children to three children can be significant for some. I didn't have three myself but my son did and when they were all small and I helped with them it was far more difficult for me than when there were just two of them. I had only one child for a reason -- he was all I could handle and work full-time. Everyone needs to know their limitations. If she's not getting up with the two she has now then why would she get up with a third or fourth.


If it weren't for her verbal frustrations, I'd say she does very well with the kids. It's when she starts talking about how overwhelmed she is and how she can't handle "this"; that I think otherwise. Sometimes I think she's just venting, but I just don't understand why she's so frustrated. Like when she wakes up at 11am and complains that the living room is a mess. Yes, because the kids have been playing in there for hours.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Are you the one who posted before in another thread that she doesn't eat all day because she doesn't have time or isn't hungry and then eats late? If so, she has more going on than just sleeping late. If not, it's still not good she's not eating dinner with you and the kids.


Yes. I've been trying to work on this. Unfortunately, I cannot get into an argument over it with the kids there. She just says she's not hungry. 

Last night we had friend over for dinner and she didn't even sit down with us. Even after I made some pointed suggestions.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> Yes to the first. For the second, she gives me zero credit for my contribution. And yes to the 24/7 thing.
> 
> I actually began taking an extra day off work to help with the kids. She frequently calls me at work to ask if I can come home early, and gets mad when I cannot.
> 
> EDIT: The day my mother overheard her telling her friend about how difficult it was to wake up early with the kids, my mother and I were up with my son at 5:30am.


Does she tend to seek out sympathy from others, and make sure others know how difficult being a SAHM is? Does she tend to spin your sacrifices for the family into sacrifices she then has to make? For example, you work 9 hours a day to support the lifestyle you two have agreed upon, and rather than present it to others as "my husband works 9 hours a day for the family", it is more along the lines of "my husband is gone 9 hours a day and so I have to do everything."?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> Yes. I've been trying to work on this. Unfortunately, I cannot get into an argument over it with the kids there. She just says she's not hungry.
> 
> Last night we had friend over for dinner and she didn't even sit down with us. Even after I made some pointed suggestions.


She has much bigger problems than just sleeping late. Definitely don't have more children. 

Marriage counseling?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Ok so she has a lot of bad habits. She’s on a lot of pills but drinks beer? What kinds of pills is she on?
> 
> Yea, just catagoriclaly rejecting something that could be used short term to re-set her sleep cycle because it’s physical form makes a lot of sense. Like I said it’s not a drug.
> 
> ...


Sorry for being dismissive of your suggestion. My wife is already prescribed sleep aids. I am incapable of having a discussion with her about her prescriptions. She has been on many prescriptions her whole life, and is convinced she needs all of them. Questioning her medication intake is questioning the veracity of her illnesses. At least that's how she feels. My only hope is to go to a DR with her, but that opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet...


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Does she tend to seek out sympathy from others, and make sure others know how difficult being a SAHM is? Does she tend to spin your sacrifices for the family into sacrifices she then has to make? For example, you work 9 hours a day to support the lifestyle you two have agreed upon, and rather than present it to others as "my husband works 9 hours a day for the family", it is more along the lines of "my husband is gone 9 hours a day and so I have to do everything."?


Yes! Yes! Yes!

It's as if she needs everyone patting her on the back for things others are doing. 

When she went away to her sisters house, I cleaned our house and did all of the laundry. Like 3 months worth. She came home and after 45m started saying "I cannot handle this!" in regards to watching the kids. I was putting away laundry. I couldn't bring myself to be sympathetic. I said "You've been here for 45m, find a way!" She did extend her trip twice. It was supposed to be a week and she extended it to two.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

One important point I should make is that whenever I begin to get a bit sympathetic to her situation, she will say something very disrespectful and give me reason to not be sympathetic. 

I usually come home from work in a positive mood and she quickly changes that. So I end up biting my tongue and walking away.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Have you ever heard her say "I may as well be a single mom" or some variant of that?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Sounds like your wife has issues. She also seems to have a lack of respect for you and your contribution. 

You need to get to marriage counseling. Otherwise, I can foresee her being a single mom. If she thinks she has it bad now, lets see what she thinks then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Have you ever heard her say "I may as well be a single mom" or some variant of that?


I've tried... 

"You know, some people have it tougher then us."

"Some moms have to work and take care of the kids."

"Would you feel better if you had a job?"

The response is typically along these lines...

"You don't think I do a good job as a mother?"

"You want me to get a job?"

So I say...

"I'm not saying I want you to get a job or that you are doing a bad job. I'm trying to respond to your complaints that you're drained or overtired or cannot handle "this". 

Then she says she's just venting and isn't serious, but she still proceeds to maintain her heavy sleep schedule.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It doesn't sound as though she is enjoying motherhood very much. So, yeah, tell her to get a job! 

Do you know how much beer she is drinking and exactly when she starts consuming it each day? Between the beer before food, the pills and avoiding you she sounds depressed.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

She is depressed, but taking medication for it. Like I said earlier, I have trouble talking to her about prescriptions. I'm not a Dr, and she seems to know it all. 

I don't know when she starts drinking, but she usually has a beer when I'm out of work at 5:30.

Personally, I don't mind the drinking, but it does seem to be a contributing factor to the issues she's having. It's a depressant, isn't it?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Is your wife a night owl? If she's staying up very late then she's obviously not going to want to get up in the morning with the kids. Especially with your mom there to help. Time for a talk.


Agree.

Your wife needs to ratchet back her wake-up time and then her bed time to better match family needs. You have a set work schedule and her part, as a SAHM, is to run the house and raise the kids while you are at work.

Plus, her adjusting her schedule to match yours would solve the problem of not spending enough time together. It would be a win for both of you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe she has trouble waking up in the mornings because of all the wild monkey sex you're having every night?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I'm surprised your wife is drinking while on depression and a bunch of other meds. Usually that's a big no-no. Sounds like she is in a fog of over-medication. 

Is there any way your kids can help out more? Even young ones can be taught to put away their toys, push the vacuum, etc. One of my friends has her 6 year old doing laundry, albeit supervised.

I don't think your wife should necessarily be forced to be on your schedule (5:30am rise time is way too early for my internal clock) but I do think she should make an effort. I mean, how hard is it to pour a glass of iced tea and sit with your family at the table, even if you are not hungry? 

Would she be open to getting a second or third opinion regarding her meds from a homeopathic doctor? I'm not anti medication at all but a family member went through something similar and they were a completely different (and healthier) person a few months after getting off their daily pill party. 

I think you need to be honest with her, even if hurts her feelings or makes her upset. Let it come from a place of concern rather than resentment.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

She's depressed and you are enabling it but allowing her to wallow in drinking, staying up late and martyring in motherhood.

I think this is a tough love situation. She'll get out of her depression when she starts to be more active and feel engaged by life. Maybe she does need a job. Some women are not cut out for FT motherhood. 

Your best play here is to start to demand some action on her part. Start waking her up in the morning. Tell her it's time to get a job. This placating stuff is not working.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I agree with the tough love. Don't enable this any longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What does she do late in the night?

TV? Internet? chatting?

You seem very incompatible with her...Why did you marry her?

She sounds like a slob.



> "You want me to get a job?"


Can she?

What do you think will happen if you ask her to get a job?


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

bravenewworld said:


> I'm surprised your wife is drinking while on depression and a bunch of other meds. Usually that's a big no-no. Sounds like she is in a fog of over-medication.
> 
> Is there any way your kids can help out more? Even young ones can be taught to put away their toys, push the vacuum, etc. One of my friends has her 6 year old doing laundry, albeit supervised.
> 
> ...


My son just happened to wake up at 5:30 the other day. Usually it's 7:30am. I'm working on getting him to put away his toys, he's just coming of age. 

I've suggested that the combination of not eating, the meds, the alcohol and the bad sleep schedule has been making her foggy. She gets defensive and suggests I'm criticizing her mothering skills. But she is the one who claims to have no energy. I try to point out that there are a lot of obvious reasons for her to not have energy. 

In regards to her medication, I'm a bad one to judge. I don't take anything unless I absolutely need it. The same with going to the DR. She tends to go to the DR for every little aliment. 

She is always diagnosing herself. In fact, she diagnoses herself and then begins crying because she might have "blank". She usually doesn't have "blank" according to the Dr. So I look at that self induced stress as being unnecessary. I fell like I know not to diagnose myself from the Internet. She hasn't learned that yet.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> What does she do late in the night?
> 
> TV? Internet? chatting?
> 
> ...


I do love her. We haven't really grown apart as much as our sleep schedules have. She used to be happy, though. It seems like she cannot be happy with the kids around. She sounded happy as anything when she was with her sister. 

She's usually on Facebook at night.

I don't think she wants to work. We decided she would be a SAHM. Suggestions otherwise seem like threats to her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Now, I've almost stopped asking because the answer is always no. When we do have sex, it's awful. She talks about random stuff that doesn't make for good sex. She'll also say things like "get it over with", "you're making me hot(temp not horny)" or she'll talk about our parents. When she agrees, she says, "Only if she can be on the bottom". After agreeing, she will usually say something that immediately turns me off. I'm tempted and do occasionally say never-mind.





> I asked her when the best time to have sex would be. She said in the middle of the day. Well, the kids are awake and I'm at work. What exactly is that supposed to mean?






> So... I've been doing a lot of chores around the house. More then I have before. Mostly dishes, some laundry. I've also been taking her out more frequently. These are two things she wanted as well as a housekeeper which we cannot afford. But, I am seeing a continued slide in our sexual relationship.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

That's the issue that brought me to this board, but in working on that; I've realized that other things are more important. 

If people want more context please read my previous posts. 

I could be happy with just more sex, but she wouldn't. I guess that's what I learned from that thread.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She's usually on Facebook at night.


chatting with? 

I'm speculating , but I think there might be infidelity involved here. Most stories that are similar to yours ended up in infidelity,. The additional details about your sex life almost confirms it. It could be just sexting with someone or it could be multiple online affairs or even a physical affair. The lack of interest in sex with you and how carefully she is avoiding it speaks a lot.

No, absolutely don't confront her on this. If she is cheating, she can already lie about it. 

What device does she use to FB chat ?

One more thing I've notvied in your other thread. She makes an excuse on why she needs something from you to have sex. You fill that need. Then she moves the target a bit further. You somehow complete it. Then she brings an additional need. The list will never end. Chores, dates, help with the kids....


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Make an appointment for a full physical and go with her. Look online at the reviews and find a doctor who is versed in homeopathy and not a Dr. Feelgood who is just going to prescribe a bunch of stuff. Express your concerns to the doctor regarding the depression, medication, alcohol, and lack of sleep/eating. 

I know a lot of posters are advising you to be firm with her, but in my experience being firm with a depressed person is like telling a cooked noodle to stand up straight. She needs to be in a clear state of mind before any real dialogue/change can begin. 

It sounds like she trusts doctors so that's why I suggest starting there. Good luck!


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Your wife is depressed. The end. She will either stay that way, or decide to get better but ultimately, it's up to her. 

You can work on you and the kids. You know that you can't depend on her for giving you a day off or more time in the evening or even dinner together. So, you have to decide if that is something you can deal with or not.

You need to tell her that she needs to try and work toward getting out of her mood. She needs to actively try otherwise, your marriage isn't going to make it. She needs to know specifically what will happen (if anything) if things don't turn around.

You can't just stand around and complain. I mean you can, but it won't get you anywhere. You need to set out boundaries of what you will and will not accept and give a time frame of when you expect these changes to happen. You may love her, but that doesn't mean you have to live with someone who is constantly down all of the time. 

She can choose to live with what she has (kids, family, husband who works and is trying to make the marriage work), or she can choose to mope around. It sounds like she is getting away with her behavior as you are "quietly not complaining".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lessthennone said:


> Sorry for being dismissive of your suggestion. My wife is already prescribed sleep aids. I am incapable of having a discussion with her about her prescriptions. She has been on many prescriptions her whole life, and is convinced she needs all of them. Questioning her medication intake is questioning the veracity of her illnesses. At least that's how she feels. My only hope is to go to a DR with her, but that opportunity hasn't presented itself yet. Yet...


IF she is on prescription sleep aids, then she can go to sleep any time she wants. 

Did she take all the meds when she was pregnant?

She sounds like she's not doing very well. The not wanting to eat with others and staying up late does sound like she is avoiding you, the kids and others. 

The fact that she did not sit down and eat when you had guests sounds like she might be agitated... like she cannot sit down. Is she?

I think you would be wise to go to her doctor and discuss the meds. There is a good chance that she is not telling her doctor all that is going on with her.

She seems to not have a realistic view of things. MC might go a long way to getting through to her that what you do is important too. She needs to realize that her sleep schedule is not conducive to raising children and maintaining a marriage. 

Do you think she might do better if she worked outside the home? Not all women are cut out to be SAHMs


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Another depressed person taking antidepressants while NOT in therapy? A pox on doctors who prescribe meds without insisting on therapy! Meds will NOT do the work for you, they make it possible for you to do the work by curbing the worst of the symptoms but they don't cure depression alone!

I suggest you talk to your wife about what time SHE wants to wake in the morning. I have had sleep problems for years and sometimes, like last night, I was up most of the night, fell asleep around 4, woke up around 5:30, fell back to sleep around 6:30 then my 14 year old woke me up at noon! I hate it when that happens! I have to wonder if your wife is okay with her schedule of if she would like to have a more matched schedule with you?

She needs to be in therapy, CBT therapy. She needs to decide what schedule she WANTS to have and then learn ways to get it and keep it. 

I can never predict when I'm going to have a sleepless night but when it happens I much prefer that I am not allowed to sleep past 9:30. 

It also sounds like your wife really needs her alone time. I did too when my kids were little. I liked to have my mornings alone, to slowly wake up and sip my coffee so I didn't put them to bed until 9:30 ish, later during the summer. Like your wife, I am not nor will I ever be a morning person but there is nothing worse than wasting a beautiful day sleeping in a dark room!

Start leaving the house for work earlier. When you leave, plop your child on the bed with her and kiss her good bye. Tell your mother to start making "plans" that get her out of the house around the time you leave. You may need to do this for a few weeks before the new schedule sinks home.

Put the kids to be later.
Insist your wife eat at the table with the family. Yes INSIST! 
And get her into therapy!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It doesn't sound as though she is enjoying motherhood very much. So, yeah, tell her to get a job!
> 
> Do you know how much beer she is drinking and exactly when she starts consuming it each day? Between the beer before food, the pills and avoiding you she sounds depressed.


Exactly she sounds disconnected. I'm one that hates being home. But if I have to I pull my weight and don't sleep in. But since staying home is not my cup of tea, I work. I love it too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Another depressed person taking antidepressants while NOT in therapy? A pox on doctors who prescribe meds without insisting on therapy! Meds will NOT do the work for you, they make it possible for you to do the work by curbing the worst of the symptoms but they don't cure depression alone!
> 
> I suggest you talk to your wife about what time SHE wants to wake in the morning. I have had sleep problems for years and sometimes, like last night, I was up most of the night, fell asleep around 4, woke up around 5:30, fell back to sleep around 6:30 then my 14 year old woke me up at noon! I hate it when that happens! I have to wonder if your wife is okay with her schedule of if she would like to have a more matched schedule with you?
> 
> ...




Read his other thread in SIM if you can.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm with Anonpink, antidepressant without therapy is putting a bandaid on the issue. People taking antidepsants should not be drinking alcohol. That's the worst thing she can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Another thing - you need to stop taking advantage of your mother.

Just because your mom is not willing to tell your wife to get her ass out of bed and take care of her own kids (because, well the woman is YOUR wife) doesn't mean it isn't your job to tell her.

Just how far are you willing to let your wife indulge her sense of entitlement?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree with Blondilocks. I'm usually first to say that a husband and wife have to be a united front when there are in-law issues but your wife is clearly taking advantage of your mother. You really need to call your wife out. You need to tell her that she is being rude and needs to be up when the kids get up. 

In your posts you really sound afraid of your wife. Why is that? So what if she gets defensive. She is manipulating you when she says stuff like, "You think I'm a bad mother". It gets you to shut up.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You are a doormat who is afraid to confront your pill-popping, beer-swigging, avoidant-personality wife and get her lazy, hungover a$$ out of bed. You're walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting the apple cart. You've now recruited your poor mother to be your kids' surrogate mother while your wife sleeps half the day away.

I was a SAHM for twenty years. Unless I was in bed half-dead with the flu, I was up every day with my kids while my husband got ready for his busy work day.

You have ended up in this lame situation because you have ALLOWED it. It's that simple.

Send her a$$ back to work and hire a nanny. Your kids are very young now, but it won't take them very many more years to figure out that Mom has substance-abuse, possible addiction issues. Yours will be the kind of kids who are plopped in front of the TV all day while she naps.

And this nonsense about not eating dinner with the family?! Don't EVEN get me started on that. Totally UNACCEPTABLE, and YOU are allowing it.

Sorry, but your post really triggered me because I know how HARD I worked to do a great job raising my children.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> You are a doormat who is afraid to confront your pill-popping, beer-swigging, avoidant-personality wife and get her lazy, hungover a$$ out of bed. You're walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting the apple cart. You've now recruited your poor mother to be your kids' surrogate mother while your wife sleeps half the day away.
> 
> I was a SAHM for twenty years. Unless I was in bed half-dead with the flu, I was up every day with my kids while my husband got ready for his busy work day.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, I think that there is a certain nobility automatically granted to a woman who is a SAHM, and some women bask in the adulations, without actually doing the work, they grow a sense of entitlement because they are practically worshiped, they are told that simply having the title of SAHM affords them a nice high pedestal, whether they actually deserve it never enters the picture, and the problems really come in when their husbands buy into it too.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> You are a doormat who is afraid to confront your pill-popping, beer-swigging, avoidant-personality wife and get her lazy, hungover a$$ out of bed. You're walking on eggshells, afraid of upsetting the apple cart. You've now recruited your poor mother to be your kids' surrogate mother while your wife sleeps half the day away.
> 
> I was a SAHM for twenty years. Unless I was in bed half-dead with the flu, I was up every day with my kids while my husband got ready for his busy work day.
> 
> ...


SAHD here. Same as above. :iagree: 24/7 is the job. That means up with the kids. That means night-time awareness for issues with kids. That means supporting your spouse.

At the end of all that, if your spouse lets you sleep in on a Saturday morning...peachy!


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

What would happen if your mother was not able to wake with the kids? I think it's unfair that your wife takes advantage of your mother - especially since your family is living with your parents right now. Your parents are being very generous, and I think it's unfair for your mother to be expected to take care of the kids all morning - pretty much everyday while your wife sleeps.

It does sound like your wife has issues that need some work/help but she seems unwilling to do what is needed to make things better. She is in a routine of having everyone do everything for her. Why should she change?

It sounds like she is being seriously enabled by you and your mother. She is a SAHM (as am I) - part of that is getting up when the kids do. I get up with our DS4 every morning. My hubby gets up with DS when he has a day off so I can sleep. 

THREE months worth of laundry? So she hasn't done laundry for months?

I hate to sound so harsh, especially since your wife appears to have things she needs to work out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes said:


> What would happen if your mother was not able to wake with the kids? I think it's unfair that your wife takes advantage of your mother - especially since your family is living with your parents right now. Your parents are being very generous, and I think it's unfair for your mother to be expected to take care of the kids all morning - pretty much everyday while your wife sleeps.
> 
> It does sound like your wife has issues that need some work/help but she seems unwilling to do what is needed to make things better. She is in a routine of having everyone do everything for her. Why should she change?
> 
> ...


No, his wife was on vacation at her sister's for 3 months. During that time he worked, took care of the kids and did the laundry.. all the things that a single parent does.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> No, his wife was on vacation at her sister's for 3 months. During that time he worked, took care of the kids and did the laundry.. all the things that a single parent does.


Oh okay - I guess I misunderstood that part. The way it was written it sounded like laundry hadn't been done in three months, then he did it all at once - at least to me. Glad I was wrong!

Even with that part of my post incorrect, I think the rest is accurate.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

SAHM here as well. H is deployed so even when I am sick (like last week) I still have to get my butt up, do my chores, and tend to my sick kids. Is it fun? Hell no. But I have to do it. No one else is here to give me a sick day. I am alone. 

My point is, if your wife had no other choice, she would be forced to do it. After a while of doing it - it becomes routine. It becomes normal. It becomes easy. I am not, nor will I ever be, Mother of the year, but I do what needs to be done because I have a responsibility to my kids and even to my H. He expects me to teach the kids. He expects a clean house. He expects dinner and clean laundry and he expects sex and couple time. In return, I stay at home with my kids until they go to school. I do feel overwhelmed sometimes with three boys. I feel I don't get enough "me" time. But my kids will grow up. They will be independent soon enough. They will even move out one day. I guess I will have all the free time I want then huh? I don't have time to myself. From 6:00 am until 10pm I am giving to my kids and to my H. But right now, that's ok because I know I will get my time later. 

Make her get the hell up with those kids. Don't enable her. Take away her ability to have help. She is dependent on you and your mother because you do it. You don't put her in a situation where she needs to take responsibility. She won't do it either until she HAS to.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Just because you both decided that she would be a SAHM doesn't mean you can not revisit the idea of her going back to work. Some people are not cut out for it.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

She was only at her sisters house for 2 weeks. 

The laundry was piking up before she left. Not all her fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

You keep making excuses for your wife just like you are enabling her in real life. Look, happy as a clam said it best, YOU have to stop enabling her and be firm. 

I have a good motivation for you. I know you love your wife, and you must love your kids. For yours kids sake, stop enabling your wife. They are the ones suffering. Just take the dinner time for example. Your kids will start to think that it is normal for people not to eat dinner together. Then when they grow up, they will take that behavior with them. And the cycle goes on and on. How do you stop it? You STOP your wife. You lay down the rules. She either abides by them, or she doesn't. Her choice. And what is the consequence. You leave.

Tough love! It's hard, but it's the only way. And I agree, she needs therapy for those pills.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I had a real hard time with this thread. Maybe because it got me kind of pissed.

I have to tell you that a lot of this is your fault. Rather than open your mouth and get your point across that sleeping in until 11 AM because she doesn't go to sleep until the wee hours of the night is not your problem. It's hers and she needs to do something about it. 

But what your doing is giving her a bigger crutch to lean on by doing all the work and she does all the bi*ching and complaining and every time you bend over to pick up something she's going to continue to break one off up your ass.

What you do is this. When the kid gets up in the morning, nudge her in the ribs and let her know it's her turn. If she tries to get out of it, repeat it louder so she knows that it's her turn and make sure she hauls herself out of bed.

When it comes to supper time. Let her know that THIS IS A FAMILY AND SHE SHOULD ACT LIKE SHE'S PART OF IT and all of you eat supper together. It's what families do.

Most of all, for once, find your back bone and let the woman know that her way of doing things stink and tell her that your making an appointment because she need some IC and if she refuses, let her know that she either goes or there's a good chance that the problems you have with her will get to a point where it can't be repaired. There's no reason for this. The woman knows that she has a lackey that will do her bidding so why should she change.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SAHM here too. I usually stay in bed until hubby gets out of the shower, then while he's getting ready for work I get his breakfast ready, and do for our daughter too. Very occasionally, he'll let me sleep right through and he's gone when I wake up - this is usually because I've had a really rough sleep or been up with our daughter etc. 

He sleeps late on the weekends - very well deserved too.

I can't help feeling peeved at your wife too. She's got all sorts of support at her fingertips and takes advantage of it left and right. It's disgusting that she leaves the children with your mother and sleeps until 11am...wtf??

I work very hard too, don't get me wrong. My husband just has to go to work and come home. Almost everything else is done. He leaves the running of the house to me because he knows if something comes up that he needs to know, I'll tell him. I love to make his life easier. 

The thing is, I know how damn lucky I am to be able to stay home. I couldn't live with myself if I spent my days lounging around watching tv like so many seem to do. 

They give all SAHM's a bad name 

Your wife needs a kick in the pants. Depressed or not, she needs to get herself sorted out quick smart, and look after her family.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I agree something has to change but a lot of the advice here is essentially telling him to lay down rules and turn the marriage into a parent/child relationship which I really think is the wrong direction. 

For example, you can't force someone to eat dinner at the same time everyone else does. My family rarely ate supper together because my Mom worked days and my Dad worked the graveyard shift. We would sit together and talk about our day though, and yes, she should join everyone at the table. 

OP I do think your wife is behaving selfishly but I also think there is something medically/chemically wrong. If you love her and she has overall been a good partner I think you should be supportive - pending she is willing to work on this as a medical issue. I also think it would be fair for you to give her a timeline as to avoid martyr syndrome. 

As my Grandfather used to say "no storm in nature lasts forever." If she's not willing to start changing or look at this behavior critically, you might have to walk away though. And that's the sad truth.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bravenewworld said:


> . For example, you can't force someone to eat dinner at the same time everyone else does. My family rarely ate supper together *because my Mom worked days and my Dad worked the graveyard shift.* We would sit together and talk about our day though, and yes, she should join everyone at the table.


C'mon, BNW. This is an ENTIRELY different scenario than what OP is presenting. Of course your parents couldn't physically sit together at the dinner table because of their opposite work schedules. Totally understandable.

But OP's wife is CHOOSING not to sit with them at dinner (nor dinner guests when they come over!) presumably because she wants her "alone" time.

If he wants to haul her a$$ to the doctor for a medical evaluation for a "chemical imbalance" then so be it, but there really is no cure for selfishness except for introspection and change of heart.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

I do not buy the idea that hours spent being a stay at home parent is equal to the same amount of time at work. While I acknowledge being a SAH parent IS hard work, unlike 75% of people who work jobs they hate, its the type of work that is rewarding, rich with memories, and a time for bonding. Youre getting to spend minutes of your one and only life with your *children.* 

Im not saying she should be excited to wake up at dawn, but on the other hand, what mother wants to spend an indefinite amount of time missing out on her children's morning? Of course she needs a break or even many, but sleeping through half of it (or more) every day? Most SAHPs say its hard but they wouldnt trade it for anything. Something else is wrong.

When I read the word "Facebook" my eyes just sort of stopped and fixated a moment with the words "oh sh**" bouncing around my skull. Danger! This cannot be investigated fast enough!!

Im not saying that an affair is happening though its certainly a possibility. People need people they value to value them- it is a basic requirement of the social animal. Human beings are social animals and judge their success in life largely by how vaunted they are by people important to them (family, friends, credit agencies, job/boss, etc).

When someone consistently spends time on facebook, they are seeking social interaction they dont have (or dont value) with the people around them. It could be with another man. It could be with friends complaining about you. But regardless, it indicates a problem when it doesnt exist in moderation.

I sense in this thread that some replies have seemed harsh or critical towards you; please understand that coddling in these forums- just as in a marriage- never gets anything DONE. So if you have gotten the feeling that we are being harsh at times, please remember we are only trying to get a point across 

My advice: put a keylogger on the computer. Check phone records for long or frequent calls to numbers you dont know. Check phone records for text message counts and note the numbers the messages are sent to. Get a voice activated recorder (Sony ICD-PX333 is a great cheap example) and heavy-duty velcro it under the drivers seat of her car. Pick up her phone if its laying around and check text messages. These are all for detecting a possible affair.

In terms of fixing the marriage if no infidelity is present, you need to draw a line with her immediately in regards to the little time you spend together. Now. She needs to change her sleep schedule to help aid time spent together. You might need to sacrifice some things as well. It needs to happen or the marriage is doomed. If she gets very defensive, angry, combative, or refuses, you have serious problems that require shock to fix (and the likelihood of an affair is high). Shock involves marriage counseling, strong worded conversation or perhaps even divorce papers.

If infidelity is discovered, it is in my opinion that divorce papers should immediately be dropped even if you intend to R- shock. Good luck and apologies for the novel.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This certainly does not apply across the board, and I know some SAHM's here on this very site do not fall into this, but it is not unheard of, nonetheless, is very unpopular to actually say aloud...

We all too often hear the virtues of the SAHM, the huge sacrifices they make for their families, the nobility of being a SAHM, hardest job in the world and all that...often in the same breath as how lucky the working dad is to have the SAHM, how the working dad gets to come home from work, the SAHM mom works 24/7, is placed on the pedistal and the working dad is expected to silently stand there and hold it...very seldom is there mention of the pressure the working dad is under, the fact that the families ENTIRE way of life depends solely on his ability to keep that job, to provide the lifestyle for his family. If it wasn't for his job, life as the family knows it would completely change. The SAHM has a bad week at home, and life goes on, the working dad has a bad week and gets fired...life as the family knows it is completely changed. That is a lot of pressure.

The whole SAHM dynamic is very difficult to manage in the best of times, both spouses have to be on the same page, have to have the utmost respect for the other persons contributions or else resentment will set in very quickly, and the dynamic will fall apart.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tell her to get a job. Full time. Clearly she is not cut out for the SAHM thing, she sounds lazy and resentful to me. Let her work and put the kids in daycare.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> I agree something has to change but a lot of the advice here is essentially telling him to lay down rules and turn the marriage into a parent/child relationship which I really think is the wrong direction.
> 
> For example, you can't force someone to eat dinner at the same time everyone else does. My family rarely ate supper together because my Mom worked days and my Dad worked the graveyard shift. We would sit together and talk about our day though, and yes, she should join everyone at the table.


 I understand that if people are working different shifts then it's near impossible for that to happen, but in this case, she's a SAHM, so she's there everyday but chooses to do her own thing. Big difference there. There isn't any reason why she can't sit down with her husband and kids and enjoy supper. She chooses to IMO to just be on her own and there is no unity in this family. She chooses to be a loner and let her husband pick up the slack and that's his fault for allowing it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> No, his wife was on vacation at her sister's for 3 months. During that time he worked, took care of the kids and did the laundry.. all the things that a single parent does.


and he did not drop the kids off with the wife WHY????

come on, is this a troll post? I am working all day, and my wife is on vacation for three months and I have to rush to get the kids too? it strains believability. 

Maybe she had a 3 month break from the marriage and was doing her sister's neighbor the whole 3 months?

Why men put up with this is beyond me! :scratchhead:


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

6301 said:


> I had a real hard time with this thread. Maybe because it got me kind of pissed.
> 
> I have to tell you that a lot of this is your fault. Rather than open your mouth and get your point across that sleeping in until 11 AM because she doesn't go to sleep until the wee hours of the night is not your problem. It's hers and she needs to do something about it.
> 
> ...


.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This woman trolls on FB all night and wakes up mid day. Also, she keeps avoiding sex

Am I the only one noticing it ?? How many times have we seen this situation. She is up to no good.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> This woman trolls on FB all night and wakes up mid day. Also, she keeps avoiding sex
> 
> Am I the only one noticing it ?? How many times have we seen this situation. She is up to no good.


:iagree:


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

warlock07 said:


> This woman trolls on FB all night and wakes up mid day. Also, she keeps avoiding sex
> 
> Am I the only one noticing it ?? How many times have we seen this situation. She is up to no good.


brings new meaning to the words "3 month vacation without husband"

:rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think you have more investigating to do before you can begin to work toward a solution.

She IS depressed but doesn't seem to do anything about it. She is medicated and self-medicating with beer, sleeping late (avoiding life) and distracting herself with FB (affair or not). And she doesn't seem to enjoy being a mother that much, does not take pride or joy in her family including her home (cleaning/laundry) and sharing time (sleeping late, not participating in dinner).

To start with, I'd take the steps to determine if she's cheating or just thinks the grass is greener. Key log, check her phone and email - I presume you have the passwords? If not, that's where the key logger comes in.

I'd make an appointment with her doctor (if you don't know, get them off her Rx bottles) and share your concern. Try to get her to go. You can even tell her they called your line to make an appointment for a check up if you have to.

Discuss your marriage. Get her into counseling and/or both of you. The kids are old enough for some type of child care - there are mother's mornings out programs all over the country. Just half a day would free her up to go to the counseling appointments.

I'm not a huge fan of MMSL but I think in this case you need to be assertive and be the leader of this family. They are drifting and need someone at the helm.

But she has to get healthy mentally before you guys can determine what the next steps are. Hopefully it's a job for her - even part time, date night for both of you... then she'll feel better about herself, her interactions, pull out of depression, be more interested in sex... but the first step is always discovery, then evaluation followed by a plan of action and execution.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

Plain and simple, your wife is lazy. Whatever happened to Super moms? The women who worked, took care of the kids, made dinner, had the kids lunch ready, cooked breakfast in the morning, clothes washed, bills paid, with no complaints? Women that survived on 4-5 hours of sleep, taking care of the kids and her husband and never talked about needing a break.

No way on God's green earth should a mother of young children be sleeping till 11am. How lazy can one be? I hope your wife is in good shape because if she's fat and lazy, that would make ten times worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: SAHM sleeping late... Approach?*



Binji said:


> Plain and simple, your wife is lazy. Whatever happened to Super moms? The women who worked, took care of the kids, made dinner, had the kids lunch ready, cooked breakfast in the morning, clothes washed, bills paid, with no complaints? Women that survived on 4-5 hours of sleep, taking care of the kids and her husband and never talked about needing a break.
> 
> No way on God's green earth should a mother of young children be sleeping till 11am. How lazy can one be? I hope your wife is in good shape because if she's fat and lazy, that would make ten times worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ouch. That's unfair. I'm fat and lazy but still manage to get all that done. Not full time work but my partner has his own fencing business and whenever he has work I'm always helping with heavy lifting or where ever he needs me. Sure I don't cook breakfast but I manage to run a house hold with two active little boys. Washing every day, dinner every night. Clean house, lunches and school bags packed. Just coz I am fat has nothing to do with it. I also go to boot camp 3 times a week :/


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

So... Yesterday was a very bad day.

I stayed at my house on Sun for a weekly online commitment I have. It's purely recreational, and she hates it. I consider it my guys night out. I though we were all staying at home, but she changed her plans and we stayed apart. I woke up, showered and headed up there. I was about to kick a soccer ball, when my back goes out. I fell on the ground and couldn't move. I have a bad back, but have made progress with it over the last 2 years. Most recently, the excercises (MMSLP)have me feeling better and with more energy. I also thought I was gertting a handle on my back. Apparently I wasn't.

So I'm on the ground, and my wife walks over and asks if I was on the internet last night. Insinuating it was the cause of my back pain. Every time my back goes out it's something stupid. This time, picking up a soccer ball. Previously, diaper wipes, turnng on a lamp, taking stuff out of the oven. But this is the first time in a while. I'm pretty frustrated and disappointed.

So my wife says I probably did it on purpose so I didn't have to watch the kids. Now I'm steaming mad. She said it in front of my mother. I excused myself to my room and layed down. 

When my back is out I don't have the patience to make strong arguments. She always tried to start fights, though. She says things like it can't hurt that bad. Or just says stupid stuff as if she's a dr. 

So she's watching the kids. I cannot move. 

I did speak to my mother. She said that she doesn't mind my wife sleeping late. I told her I do. My mother said that when were at her house she can sleep as late as she wants. My mother will watch the kids. But many times it's my mother and myself watching the kids. So she sleeps and I'm awake. I told my mother it was undermining. 

Now, when I told my wife it bothered me; she says your mother doesn't mind. I guess it's true. My mother doesn't mind. I do.

My wife gets very mad when my back goes out. I think it's because she has to has to watch the kids. She says stuff that makes me feel worse. It cant hurt that bad, i'm faking, i can't keep doing this to her. 

So now, I wasn't able to carefully craft a response. I just blew up last night. My back hurts. I cant move. And now I feel like I'm not taking care of my responsibilities. Fortunately today is my day off so I can recover. This one seems bad though. I really thought I was beyond this. Makes all of the pushups and crunches I've done worthless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's unfortunate your mom's an enabler too. Your wife will continue to take advantage of that and your mom's okay with it. 

I'm sure your wife does hate when you have back problems because your real job (picking up her slack) can't be done. 

What is the point of staying at your mom's instead of at home -- other than your wife gets a vacation?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Stop beating up on Grandma people. She is the one being a good mother here. If my daughter (who has 2 little ones) was behaving like OP's wife, I would be doing the same thing because someone has to step up to make sure the children are well cared for. OP works. He can do some childcare, chores, etc. but not all of it.

OP, you are clearly & rightfully pissed & resentful. If your wife is depressed, then she needs to be in treatment & on meds. I was a depressed, WORKING mother with 2 children & forced myself to get up early, take care of my children, bring them to daycare, went to work, came home, made dinner, homework, etc. with very little help from my husband.

No excuses.

Yes, wake her up in the morning. So what if she complains; she does anyway but she needs to take care of her children.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What an utterly useless person your wife is. 
Looks like she has a few screws loose. 

It is not her sleeping late that is the issue here. It is the person she is. Acknowledge it.

How did she react to the blow up ? That is what happens when you keep repressing emotions.



> She says stuff that makes me feel worse. It cant hurt that bad, i'm faking, i can't keep doing this to her.


What kind of person in the right mind says this ?


How did the two of you get married ? Did she get pregnant accidentally ?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lessthennone said:


> *
> So my wife says I probably did it on purpose so I didn't have to watch the kids. * Now I'm steaming mad. She said it in front of my mother. I excused myself to my room and layed down.
> 
> 
> ...


Your wife has no business being a SAHM if this is how she views her children. It sounds like she has no mothering instincts, and the kids are a major inconvenience.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

No accidental pregnancy. All of this came about after the kids who were born 4 years into our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Emerald said:


> Stop beating up on Grandma people. She is the one being a good mother here. If my daughter (who has 2 little ones) was behaving like OP's wife, I would be doing the same thing because someone has to step up to make sure the children are well cared for. OP works. He can do some childcare, chores, etc. but not all of it.
> 
> OP, you are clearly & rightfully pissed & resentful. If your wife is depressed, then she needs to be in treatment & on meds. I was a depressed, WORKING mother with 2 children & forced myself to get up early, take care of my children, bring them to daycare, went to work, came home, made dinner, homework, etc. with very little help from my husband.
> 
> ...


I don't agree with you on this one. I'm a grandmother of three and almost daily helped my DIL with them before their divorce and have helped my son with them daily since the divorce. But never would I have put up with my DIL sleeping all morning while I took care of her children day after day. 

She needs to get up and face life the way the rest of us have to. But his mom has said it's okay for her to do what she's doing so she uses that as a reason not to change. Why would she. Maybe he will have more success once they go back to their own home but it's not going to work as long as they are in mom's house and mom's enabling her behavior.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> So... Yesterday was a very bad day.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I've read some of this, but not all. Here's some universal advice. You need to master the art of SHUT THE F*CK UP. 

In a previous post you were saying your wife likes to say "I feel like a single mom". Or whatever. DO NOT ANSWER THIS! It's not meant to be. It's designed to make you feel guilty. Try the book "when I say no I feel guilt". 

As far as your wife's behavior. This is all your fault. You're tolerating bad behavior. You agreed she'd get up on your day off, but you still get up. Your fault. 

Now you can't go all "man in charge" on her because that's going to back fire big time. Start simple. Tell her "I need you to get up on my day off." Don't accept no. Just go broken record and keep repeating it. Then on that day, when she doesn't get up. Go get the kids and bring them into the bed with her. Then leave. Don't look back. 

Start taking back your life. Stop worrying about her feelings and quit tolerating bad behavior.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> No accidental pregnancy. All of this came about after the kids who were born 4 years into our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It happened because she discovered just how exhausting it is to deal with children. Some women have a much tougher time with that than others but it really is exhausting no matter what. However, you deal with it because you can't send them back.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Oh, this thread brings back the terror, I mean the fulfillment, of being a SAHM. I was lucky because with our first born my man would wake up early for work, feed our daughter, and she wouldn't wake again until 10 a.m. 

If your mom says she will help in the a.m., what the heck is the big deal? If she doesn't want to, she is a mature woman who should say no. That's on her. Martyrdom is not cool.

If your wife has PPD or another mental illness, she should be treated for it. Many times, with MI, there is a disturbance in the normal sleep pattern that is very hard to overcome. I know from personal experience.

I hope you two can find a solution with open and honest communication.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Wanted to reply to you sooner but have been too busy. Brother I was in your shoes a few years ago, but your position is a little more difficult than mine was. After our son was born a few years ago my wife was probably depressed but I didn't catch it until a friend pointed it out. Like you I am an early riser so when our son was up at 6 or so I would get up with him, get him changed, fed, cartoons and so on but by 8 I needed to shower and get to work. Wife could not get up "I''m tired, I'm exhausted etc.." I got pissed - this went on for months and the resentment built. Basically there are three ways to handle this:

Option 1 - be a doormat as you are doing and let her get away with this behaviour. 11 AM!!! no F'n way

Option 2 - Get all angry and tell her off. This is what I did and it was a mistake!! I was raised in an old fashoined way. Mom stayed home and looked after the kids, dad went to work and came home. He took care of all the bills and fixed everything when something broke. Mom took care of all the other stuff. When my wife wasn't living up to her end of the arrangement I had set up in my mind I got angry and we fought - nearly ended our marriage. This got ugly fast.

Option 3 - Find the middle ground. There is a fine line between option 1 and 2 and you need to find it. Alot of people will tell you to lay down the law and tell her off. "I work all f'n day, you can watch the kid and clean the house - get off your lazy a$$ and start contributing!!!." This might make you feel good but I am telling you from experience it is counterproductive. If a gal is depressed as your wife is this is like ading gasoline to a fire. 

Let me tell you something else. She is trashing you to everyone she knows -family, friends of both of yours, facebook, etc.. You are an ahole, she does everything and you do nothing. The slightest thing she does (that normal spouses should do in a marraige) is like an act of bravery deserving of a medal and anything you do is minimized as if you don't count for sh*t. 

This is a serious problem my friend and you really need to get your arms around it. She is most likely making herself out to be a victim and you are an uncaring, ahole even though you seem to be trying extremely hard. Get to MC and try to understand she is going through some depresion, but stop being a f'ng doormat to her. Remember there is a fine line between option 1 and 2. You are choosing option 1. I was totally number 2. Both are mistakes. Try and find the middle ground. If that fails walk away knowing you did the best you could!!!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There is something in what SongoftheSouth says.

Getting tough may work. Using the 180 to gain her attention and prepare for divorce, could spark change in her. However, the 180 is supposed to be used to split and you don't want to split. Is it a good idea to 180 to catch her attention?

There is a risk that that approach will crystallize your resentment and harm your feelings of affection. This is something you must weigh carefully.

Your wife is living an unhealthy lifestyle. It cannot be good for her character. If she is barely functioning now, how will things be in 10 years? Are you setting yourself up for divorce from a woman for whom you will feel ever mounting contempt?

One hint of an approach in SolidSouth's advice is that you may need to praise your wife and lavish her with love at the same time that you create boundaries.

Instead of dumping the kids on her to wake her up on Saturday morning, maybe you need to get the kids to bring mommy breakfast in bed early and announce plans to do something fun together after breakfast.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe making a list of chores (to be)done every week might help put things in perspective.

Atleast you will have a record of how much she is playing the victim


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I find this thread kind of hard to believe.

- your wife routinely sleeps until 11
- your mother cares for your kids
- your wife won't eat with you
-,your wife is constantly saying she can't deal with the kids, even after a two week holiday
- your wife wants another kid
- your wife blames you for hurting your back and says you're faking 

Why would you marry someone this insane? And why would you have more than one child with her? 

This is one of those threads that is so one sided it makes me want to hear the wife's side. Because the picture you have painted is of a woman with no redeeming features married to a put-upon martyr


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Lyris said:


> I find this thread kind of hard to believe.
> 
> - your wife routinely sleeps until 11
> - your mother cares for your kids
> ...



Again, she changed after having the kids. If we had a nanny and a housekeeper, everything would be fine. 

I won't give you my side or her side, I'll just tell you how it is..

- your wife routinely sleeps until 11 - 

I normally go to work for 9AM. On those days I wake her up right before I leave. Our son is downstairs on the computer and our daughter has either just woken up or will be waking up shortly. When we stay with my parents, usually in the summer, my mother wakes up with the kids. I am usually up at 7am, so if they've woken up before then, my mother has them. Otherwise, I get them up with her. We are usually sitting around watching the monitor. My wife will sleep until 10:30am at least. Sometimes it's 11:30, but usually somewhere in that time frame.

I have two days off and one morning to go in late. On those days, my wife will sleep until the same 10:30 to 11:30 unless she has a Dr's appt. 

- your mother cares for your kids

Only in the summer, but yes. She doesn't mind and doesn't want me to insinuate to my wife that she minds. 

- your wife won't eat with you

Yesterday, we were out with the kids and ate together. When we are at home, she just says she's not hungry. She will stand around at the beginning of dinner, but usually disappears after that. She usually eats at 9-10pm. I'm usually close to bed at this time. If she had eaten earlier, this would be our alone time.

[my selfish sexual thoughts: This would be the time I make my move, but she's eating. After that, she has a full stomach. After that, she's too tired.] 

-,your wife is constantly saying she can't deal with the kids, even after a two week holiday

Yes. "I can't do this!" "FML!" Or just a display of being overwhelmed. 

- your wife wants another kid

She's always wanted 3 and I've always wanted 2. She has had very difficult pregnancies. Our first was borderline premature, my wife had Help syndrome. For our second, I couldn't get her to abstain from certain activities that are not healthy for a pregnant mother. It was extremely embarrassing. 

- your wife blames you for hurting your back and says you're faking 

Yes. More then once. I've come home from work early due to a bad back, and she asks me to watch the kids while she goes out. Every time my back goes out we argue. That is on me, because I cannot bring myself to take it. Especially when I'm in pain like that. Normally, I can just walk away. My back prevents me from doing that. In the past, when I cringed or gasped in pain, she would say it cannot hurt that bad. That itself has made me question her back problems, because how could she not understand how painful it is if she has the same issue. "It's because you were on the internet." "It's because you wanted to avoid watching the kids." Those were the most recent.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My mother tells me my house is always a mess. I agree. There were piles of laundry going through our main hallway. When my wife was away, I decided to do all of the laundry. I realized I wasn't going to get it all finished, folded and put away before she got home, but I busted my butt. She ended up missing her bus, and that gave me enough time to put away all of my stuff and fold all of our kids as well as her clothes.

When she arrived home, I had everything separated in piles. I asked her to bring her stuff up, but she was reluctant. So I asked her to hand me a large pile of her stuff and tell me which drawer to put it in. I put away all of her stuff. I put away all of my sons stuff. I went back downstairs, and she was saying she couldn't handle the kids. I said, OK, Ill watch them, would you put away our daughters stuff. She did, but it was already sorted by pile. It should've taken 2m. It took her over an hour.

The next day, I had work and came home to her telling her friend that she cleaned the house. I looked at her with my shocked face and she said actually "my name" did the laundry. She didn't explain that it was 3mo of laundry that was piled up. She didn't mention that I also cleaned and organized our room. Our laundry room was spotless. Again, I busted my butt.

So yesterday, she wants me to "admit" that we both cleaned the house. I will say, she ran the vacuum. But if we had to split the contribution, I did 95% of it. I know she was embarrassed, because this is what she's been saying she cannot handle. She says that the kids are the most important thing. If she doesn't get to the laundry, it's because of them. Her mother and our friend have come over the last few times to help her do laundry. She implies that with kids around, she cannot do it. I did it with the kids around.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

A bit off the subject but, what are you doing for your back pain? Are you seeing a chiropractor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

mablenc said:


> A bit off the subject but, what are you doing for your back pain? Are you seeing a chiropractor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My back pain started about 8 years ago. I actually have two problems. One is sciatica like symptoms. This isn't so bad, but it's very annoying. Have to limp around, but I can work or do normal stuff. 

My other issue started about 3 years ago. I'll bend over to pick something up and it'll feel like a disc exploded. I fall to the ground and have to stay there for about 5m. Then, I can barely walk for 2 days. After that, I'm usually a hunchback for another day or two. My back went out last Monday, and I'm about 90% right now. 

I have been to 8 6-week physical therapy sessions. I have also done massage and chiro. I don't know if it was my specific chiropractor, but I found it to be very painful. Some of the techniques he performed were similar to what the PT did, but the PT was much more gentle. So, I've memorized the exercises. I've since attempted to not "baby" my back so much and I think it's helping. I've been a lot more physical, and am regularly doing things I didn't think I was capable of. 

Of course, just when I think I'm getting a handle on it, it goes out. But, the issues have decreased in frequency, and in recovery time. That is how my Dr said I should judge my progress.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> . For our second, I couldn't get her to abstain from certain activities that are not healthy for a pregnant mother.


what did she do?

Alcohol or smoking?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Less then none.... Your last two posts offer nothing except MORE evidence as to how MISERABLY your wife is failing at her job! In other words, I was expecting some kind of rational explanation as to why she can't perform her duties, but all it did was dig a deeper hole for her.

I CANNOT FATHOM how one has *3 months of unwashed laundry* piling up in the front hall! (I, nor many people I know, even own that many clothes!) Your front hall must look like an episode of "Hoarders."

When my kids were young, I did a single load of laundry late every night, whites one night, darks the next. In the morning I would toss them in the dryer, fold them, put them away. Literally look 5 minutes once the load was dry. What is WRONG with this woman?

If you hire a housekeeper and a nanny, what do you need your WIFE for? She sleeps half the day away. The maid and the nanny would become surrogate mothers.

You and your mother are enabling this atrocious behavior. Personally, I would be just about ready to file for divorce. You can keep making excuses, but then your reality will keep on being the same.

Just my 2 cents...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Exactly. 

I thought this was an update to say that at least baby steps had been taken to correct the problem. Instead I read she's taking credit for the things you do around the house and didn't do laundry for three months because she says she's too busy with the children? And your mother, despite the laundry issue, still thinks it's okay for her to sleep until 11 am? 

So what's being done? Anything?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lessthennone,

Do you think you can get your wife to post here with you? It would be of interest to talk to her. If people just ask her for her side of things we might be able to start getting through to her.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

What is everyone in your house wearing with 3 months of laundry not done? Are sure you didn't mean 3 weeks? After a few weeks I wouldn't have any underwear left to put on.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

I think that if my wife came on and read my previous posts, it would be very bad. I don't think she can take the critique and I didn't write it in a way to make her understand. I'd have to be more careful. 

I guess the update is we took a step back because of my back. But now, we're getting along. She'll probably sleep late again, but were on better footing then we were when my back was out.

If you have big piles of laundry, you don't have to wash it all. Just let the pile sit and wash what you need for the next few days. Since the bottom of the pile had clothes from an event in April, that's where the 3mo came from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Good grief! Your wife makes it sound as if she has to lug the clothes to a river and pound them against a rock.

That "FML" comment would have brought down the roof in my house. Don't you think it's about time you explain just how bad her life is going to get if she doesn't get her act together?

There is no excuse for the blatant laziness she is exhibiting. This woman is checked out of the marriage and motherhood. Let her check into a motel. There will be less work for you to do and your kids will get better care in a daycare center.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

This is your fault. 100%. Your wife isn't doing her job as a SAHM. Don't know how your bedroom is, but I bet she's not doing her job there. What you now have is a lazy teenager. Your like a spouse who says their alcoholic wife is doing better by only getting drunk at night. Still a drunk. 

There's tons of good advice here. Follow it. 

Your mom, by saying she's not being critical, is actually being critical! She's a woman and communicates covertly. FYI. 

The good news, it's 100% in your power to fix it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Do you know why she's so angry with you?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Lessthannone,

A few on here have been wondering about the other side of the story. I would like to write how your wife might believe the situation is, not to say it is like that, but to ask if it is how your wife believes things to me.

"We have been having a very hard time for a while. I have been struggling with raising two kids and ill health. At the same time, I can see that my husband is often angry because things have not worked out as he would like. 

I work hard keeping the place clean, not always easy when you are ill and have two children. I can tell though that my husband would like me to keep the place cleaner and I find it difficult to maintain his high levels and I do not think he understands how hard I have to try. Recently, he helped me with the laundry, but I can tell he resents it. 

I think he resents my ill health. He has some back pain sometimes, but is still lucky enough to have a good job and a life outside the home and finds it hard to understand that it is not as easy for me as it is for him. His Mum helps, but I can tell she does not like me and I know they talk together behind my back.

I think he still loves me deep down, but he is angry and I think we will not be happy unless he manages to lose the resentment."


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Lessthannone,
> 
> A few on here have been wondering about the other side of the story. I would like to write how your wife might believe the situation is, not to say it is like that, but to ask if it is how your wife believes things to me.
> 
> ...


.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Sleeping till 11-11.30.... Is not healthy IMHO.....If shes staying up all night till early hours shes going to be tired and not want to get up in the morning, but shes a SAHM its her Job.... If her husband is working full time, its her Job to get up and see the children, and their needs....

You OP are working at 9 and your doing the Job of your wife before you leave??.... I think she should be up as soon as the LO is up....

I also do not think your mother is helping either, its not her Job... its your wife's.... Its Okay for her to help out, but its not her job to look after the children why she sleeps.... My husband would not be Okay with this.

From what you've said your wife is a little Lazy.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I am not getting that she is so very "ill".
> 
> She stays up till all hours of the night by herself, enjoying the free time, and then sleeps late.
> 
> I WAS very ill, with a heart problem, when my little ones were little. I went to bed early and was up early with them. You can tell when someone is trying to be a productive member of the family and when they are not. Staying up til all hours and then sleeping until 11 is not. In my opinion. Adjust your schedule to the family you have!


I agree. I am not arguing that it is a reasonable viewpoint at all, but then I do not think the wife is being reasonable. What I was asking in my post is what does the wife believe. 

I have had partners who stop making any effort, but they believe that they are begin treated like slaves. Sometimes they are so busy they do not even have time to get up in the mornings


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> I think that if my wife came on and read my previous posts, it would be very bad. I don't think she can take the critique and I didn't write it in a way to make her understand. I'd have to be more careful.
> 
> I guess the update is we took a step back because of my back. But now, we're getting along. She'll probably sleep late again, but were on better footing then we were when my back was out.
> 
> ...


It doesn't matter if she can take critique or not. She NEEDS it. Otherwise, she is going to continue on the same way she has been. If that's what you want, then why are you complaining about it? You can tell her how you feel without sounding too harsh, but her feelings are probably going to go in the gutter anyway.

How come you don't want her to come and explain her side of things? And why would you need to change what you've said? This is how you feel. She needs to know. She can't change anything (even if she were willing) IF she doesn't know you have a problem with it. You seem to be walking around p!ssed off because she isn't doing what you think she should....but you won't tell her that. You won't tell her that this needs to change or you're walking. So, she isn't going to change. She has no incentive to change. 

Sugar coating stuff isn't getting you very far.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Lessthannone,
> 
> A few on here have been wondering about the other side of the story. I would like to write how your wife might believe the situation is, not to say it is like that, but to ask if it is how your wife believes things to me.
> 
> ...


I'm afraid I have to completely disagree with this viewpoint. Like others have stated, I'm not seeing where she is ill. Where is all this "ill-health" you're referring to? I'll agree that perhaps she is depressed, but a trip to the doctor and a shrink could help immensely with that.

How about THIS for a letter:

_"Dear Husband,

I realize when you married me, you had every reasonable expectation that I would pull my FAIR SHARE of the load in raising a family, taking care of the house, keeping things clean, etc.

Especially now that I am a SAHM (something I don't believe I'm really cut out for ) I have seriously abdicated my role as a mother and a housewife although I refuse to admit it. I rarely eat dinner with the family, spend all hours of the night trolling on Facebook, make no attempt to keep up with the laundry (everyone digs their clothes out of the community pile in the front hall) and really have no explanation for it other than perhaps I am mildly depressed.

Now that MIL is around, I sleep 'til 11:00 am most days, sorely taking advantage of that relationship. The kids have to fend for themselves unless you or MIL is around to take care of them.

In addition, I routinely swig beer and pop pills to sleep at night, timing them so I don't have to go to bed when you do.

To make matters worse, I am hyper-defensive when you bring any of these things up. Since you are willing to just let it go on and continue being an enabler, I will just keep doing the same thing I've always done.

Love,
Wife" _​


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I'm afraid I have to completely disagree with this viewpoint. Like others have stated, I'm not seeing where she is ill. Where is all this "ill-health" you're referring to? I'll agree that perhaps she is depressed, but a trip to the doctor and a shrink could help immensely with that.
> 
> How about THIS for a letter:
> 
> ...


Which of those two letters is closer to how the wife would see it?

I am not suggesting for a moment that my post was about how it actually is. It is, as I wrote, about his his wife believes the situation to be. I know plenty of lazy people who are convinced that they are dedicated and hard working, there was discussion about her side of the story.

You will notice that I wrote "I would like to write how your wife might believe the situation is, not to say it is like that, but to ask if it is how your wife believes things to me."

I then put the rest in quote marks to indicate it is what she might think. 

I suspect what she thinks is nonsense built on copious self-pity, which is feeding low sef-esteem, which is feeding laziness, which is feeding self-pity. She still needs to be kicked out of it. However, I do not think his wife would recognise the reality of the situation.

The post was a query to the OP.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Thanks for all of the comments. As I posted earlier, when my back went out, I blew up and pretty much inarticulately listed my grievances. That was a big setback. 

Long story short, she knew I was mad and I think she felt bad. She has kept up on laundry and housework this week. Short of a few moments where I think she was trying to start an argument, the week went well. 

I don't think I can show her this board, she's very paranoid that I'm discussing this with anyone and she kind of knows. But, I know her and seeing these posts would make my life un-liveable for months. 

As I posted at the beginning of this thread, the primary intent of my post is to vent. That way I can gauge the severity of the issue. I'm not saying I don't apply anything I've heard, I have; but I've always thought it's better not to say everything you think.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Do people really live like this?

What the hell, brother? Your life stinks. (Just thought you might need to hear that.)

Do you really intend on spending the rest of your life with this shrew?

No sex, no love. Not even caring friendliness. She makes you out to be a controlling a-hole, and is most likely staying up late sexting on FB. And yet, you profess to feel love for this creature.:scratchhead:

So what are you going to do about it? 

Gripe? Cry and vent on an internet forum?

It's hard to give advice to, or feel bad for someone, who has dug their own grave, ya know?

Take charge of your life, Less. Your current existence seems absolutely miserable. Nobody is going to help you until you help yourself.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In my mind either she gets up and looks after the kids and the house...or she gets up and goes to work so you can afford that housekeeper and nanny. Anything less is completely irresponsible. 

She does what she does now...because she can.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you get home at 6 and she starts at 11. That's a 7 hour day assuming she starts off running.

I sense early depression or late lack of work ethic. There is other stuff going on.


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## Tobbins (Aug 29, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> My wife likes to sleep late. She's a SAHM, so I end up getting up with our son (3YO)every morning before I go to work. Before I go to work at 9am, I have to wake her up.
> 
> Our daughter (2YO) seems to sleep later most days, but on my days off, I end up getting her up. A few months ago, I made a deal with my wife that she would wake up early one of my days off. It never happened.
> 
> ...


I was just lurking in the forums and found this thread and had to register so I could respond. I completely feel your pain and it frustrates me to see someone else going through this sort of thing with a SAHM. I can relate very heavily. However, my wife who's also a SAHM not only sleeps in everyday and tells me how busy she is all day long, but she doesn't get anything done all day and sits on her computer as long as she wants to.

If she's not playing video games for 12 hours a day, shes posting on forums or playing with her tablet. The kids seem to get in the way of her computer time (which is all the time, and she says because she's a SAHM she's entitled to it). The kids came home from school the other day, and it was the first day of school. I was home for lunch so I waited at the bus stop for them, walked them home, got them in the door, and when they got in, the ran to mom to tell her about their first day at school. She didn't even budge, she told them to wait about 20 minutes and she'd entertain them.

I've already developed resentment and we're in counseling over this. My advice, squash that now, and don't let her get away with it. I absolutely hate watching SAHM's use that title as their crutch to get away with things.

She's just lazy and/or has poor work ethics. My SAHM obviously is like that. I'd say something about it if you could without rocking the boat too hard. But then again, thats probably inevitable.


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## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

lessthennone said:


> My wife likes to sleep late. She's a SAHM, so I end up getting up with our son (3YO)every morning before I go to work. Before I go to work at 9am, I have to wake her up.
> 
> Our daughter (2YO) seems to sleep later most days, but on my days off, I end up getting her up. A few months ago, I made a deal with my wife that she would wake up early one of my days off. It never happened.
> 
> ...


Ok, I am a SAHM and while I do think it's great that you help her out so much and let her sleep in, you deserve to sleep in sometimes or just have her up so you can spend time together before noon as a family.

Maybe it's just me, but I would never ever allow my MIL to get up with my kids day after day like that while I slept for hours. That is just ridiculous, especially if your mother is older and you said it's tiring her out. 

I often get little sleep because I have issues with insomnia, so if I am finally sleeping well, my husband will get up with the kids. Ours are older, so they don't need us right away, but we don't sleep in for hours and leave them unattended to. 

I feel like she's taking advantage of the situation. Unless there is something medically going on with her or she's sick, I don't know why she needs to sleep in that late all the time.


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## alonetogether8 (Aug 25, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Unfortunately, I think that there is a certain nobility automatically granted to a woman who is a SAHM, and some women bask in the adulations, without actually doing the work, they grow a sense of entitlement because they are practically worshiped, they are told that simply having the title of SAHM affords them a nice high pedestal, whether they actually deserve it never enters the picture, and the problems really come in when their husbands buy into it too.


Nobility? Really? Where I live people look down on sahms. Maybe it's different other places, but here, you are treated like you are an idiot who is wasting their life.

I do know a lot of sahms who really stink at it, but it is a job. I know for me, I have worked very hard at it. It's tiring and my husband doesn't have a 9-5 job, so I have no choice but to be "on duty" all the time.

I feel like after reading more of his posts that the poster's wife definitely has issues. She sounds depressed and unhappy. Why else would she not eat dinner with them every night and never get up. I realize depression is a hard thing (I've been to counseling in the past for mine) but I also know that lying in bed will only make me feel worse. So, I force myself to get up. I force myself to do what I know needs to be done, because I know I only feel worse if I don't do anything.

Definitely do not have more kids with her. If she can't and wont' take care of the ones now in the morning and is so distant, she will not be able to handle a 3rd. I think a lot of women want to be a sahm because they think it'll be easy and they won't have to work, and that's not how it is.

I have a friend who is a lot like your wife. She complains to me that her husband is mad when he comes home and she's done nothing all day (laundry piled up all over, dirty dishes, toys all over, the house a wreck). I would be too if I were him, and then he cooks dinner half the time after having worked all day. Then he puts the kids to bed. She doesn't do much of anything except feed them and keep them alive. That isn't being a very connected mother.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Tobbins, is a bit extreme, but considering what's going on, I would suggest disconnecting the internet. 
If she wants in back she needs to contribute in one way or another. I see staying at home as a privilege now days. 

You cannot and should not do everything alone.


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