# Dealing with insecurities



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm not sure if others have the same issues but I battle insecurities every once in a blue moon. It's not anything extreme like my wife goes out to dinner with some guy blah blah. My wife is totally innocent on the insecurity issue, it's a me thing. 

If I feel disconnected with her (for any number of reasons), that's usually when something rears up. If anyone (man or woman) experiences insecurities in a relationship where you KNOW you shouldn't. What tools do you use to get them under control?

The WORST example I can give you in any kind of recent past was Magic Mike. My wife isn't a big ogler. She doesn't really talk about "Joe so and so is so hot" type of things heavily (with me or away from me). Its not that she hides it, if we're in a group and someone asks her "Do you find so and so sexy?" She'll give her honest opinion. But she's not the type post things on facebook, or send out emails with half naked guys type of stuff or partake in the behavior you see from women and men who are really hung up on checking out the opposite sex, but it still got me a bit. She didn't even come home horny because she got stuck on the drug use and pointless story of the movie. Basically her summary was "Channing Tatum can move, the music was great (she's big into that type of music), the dancing was pretty good, but overall I really didn't like the movie" As you can see, I have ZERO reason to be insecure (PS my wife and I have an awesome sex life and she does find me attractive and makes it known). But it still crept up.

I want to be better about insecurities, so what do people who are in my boat do to keep them under control or get rid of them.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Im so pleased im not the only one. Your not on your own in what you have said...
My W text her best friend who I add is female and married happily about some of the guys in the Olympics - something like "I cannot look at their faces the wobbly bits seem to take over". I saw the text it wasnt really hidden but it made my stomach jump a little and I felt " ouch, what, why, is there something here. Then I made a silly comment like " huh great, you get to look at guys u class as fit and I get to look at the female shot putters who look more like guys than guys!. Her statment was Yea i can look and so can you but the touching is out of order and she laughed. I did sorta speak lightly about it and said what Id felt and she said "and youve never said to one of the guys when your at the bar and a girl goes by with a skirt like a belt - wow look at that or words to that effect. I had to say well I suppose Ive done that " then added but it ment nothing really - her smile just said yep same here. But we do have boundries which some may feel are tight but they work for us. If my head starts re-running the issue I try to focus on something that breaks the sequance of reruns. Its a natural, primitive reaction "woman MINE!" and we feel that the woman shouldnt look - They all do they just say nothing. Id be more concerned if she was looking at something closer to home and within reach - but thats for a different forum posting lol


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Realize you can die tomorrow or today by freak accident

Realize and convince yourself that you are better than everyone and you are a bada##, Take note of accomplishments in your life and work towards things accomplishing them will give your ego a boost. 

Also seek a psychologist that can help


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Do something that pushes you. Run a mile? Run two. Bike 10 miles, do a 20 miler. You get the picture. Do something that will inspire your confidence and you will also inspire her.

It sounds like you guys have a great relationship and she wouldn't do anything to hurt your feelings and keeps her comments in check.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm not sure if others have the same issues but I battle insecurities every once in a blue moon. It's not anything extreme like my wife goes out to dinner with some guy blah blah. My wife is totally innocent on the insecurity issue, it's a me thing.
> 
> If I feel disconnected with her (for any number of reasons), that's usually when something rears up. If anyone (man or woman) experiences insecurities in a relationship where you KNOW you shouldn't. What tools do you use to get them under control?
> 
> ...


Your human and care about your marriage so its gonna happen. You don't seem to DO anything in response to these feelings. Maybe its because you recognize that they are not a response to anything your wife is doing wrong. So it seems to me like you have it under control. Just don't ever make the mistake of accepting the unacceptable out of fear of seeming or being called insecure. That is just as unhealthy for yourself and your marriage as being irrationally insecure.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dad&Hubby said:


> The WORST example I can give you in any kind of recent past was Magic Mike. My wife isn't a big ogler. She doesn't really talk about "Joe so and so is so hot" type of things heavily (with me or away from me). Its not that she hides it, if we're in a group and someone asks her "Do you find so and so sexy?" She'll give her honest opinion. But she's not the type post things on facebook, or send out emails with half naked guys type of stuff or partake in the behavior you see from women and men who are really hung up on checking out the opposite sex, but it still got me a bit.


 We just got back from watching this movie -husband went with me... I really enjoyed it....loved the dancing ... my husband doesn't appear to have any insecurities here because he is so fine with this, he will just laugh at me... with me... call me his "dirty old woman", all that sort of thing. We have a barrell of fun with it & I am the same way if he looks upon women or sexy scenes. I didn't get all hot & bothered by it ...but that's likely cause we just had some  right before we left.

I read a book on "Insecurities" not too long ago..... true, some have built things up in their minds , it near becomes debilitating...... near crippling emotionally, others can easily pick up on these things if they watch our behaviors & words......but in reality.....*EVERYONE struggles with some insecurities sometimes....different areas to different degrees*.... 

These feelings may begin to rise in us...just realize it is human... and normal... but then what do we do with them... 

They can be really small, if there are things in your life that another so & so may be better at, has more, is better looking, more intelligent, it CAN seep in... just to learn to guard ourselves and realize...we don't need to be "perfect" to be loved & worthy of love by those in our life, we don't expect perfection from them either.... realize this deep within our souls... that "WE ARE WORTHY".... "WE ARE ENOUGH"... Remind yourself of these things in those moments...this is your reality >> " *my wife and I have an awesome sex life and she does find me attractive and makes it known*". That's great! :smthumbup:

If one is blessed with a spouse who takes the time to validate us now & then, expressing words of Affirmation, their actions lining up with their words, what a blessing in marraige. 



> I want to be better about insecurities, so what do people who are in my boat do to keep them under control or get rid of them.


If you are into book reading, one of my favorites.... on this type of subject...

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Brene Brown:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Great responses everyone. I had at one point allowed insecurities to become something that did affect our marriage. Nothing big, but we had to work through it. I did recognize after a little bit where it was coming from and for me understanding is HUGE. When I understand what her thoughts are, it becomes a lot easier to accept without insecurities coming up. The problem that happened around the time of magic mike was I had asked her about it and I was taken wrong (I'm an analyzer and she hates to analyze LOL it's probably one of the few areas that we don't mix 100%) so what should've been a quick easy conversation and no insecurities turned into appearing it was bigger than it really was to me. 

That was coupled with a few other things, it was unfortunately the perfect storm to have a battle with insecurities (turning 40, not being where I expected to be career wise, being more out of shape than I want - which all is being worked on, but still plus we were more disconnected over time than normal).

This topic is more about what I can do in the future IF I get another "flare up" not to dissect what happened, because I already know.. (probably not the best thing to say but it somehow fits LOL). 

I know I'm the best thing that has ever happened to my wife (our son aside because he trumps all LOL) and she is BY FAR the best thing that has ever happened to me. We do have a pretty idyllic life. She turns me on more than any woman has EVER turned me on. She is perfect FOR ME in every way (not perfect, but perfect for me.) My issues with insecurities stem from striving to be perfect, which I know I can't but I've always strived for perfection to a fault. So thank you for the book. I'm definitely going to look it up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dad&Hubby said:


> My issues with insecurities stem from striving to be perfect, which I know I can't but I've always strived for perfection to a fault.


 Yes, this will do it every time... THIS IS addressed in the book very nicely. 

If you are an analyzer LIKE me and "understanding" eases your mind... that book will be a God send. 

Understanding has ALWAYS given me peace, even if I don't like the truth of something, I simply must deal with it ...and honestly... so I know where to go with it. Ya know. You sound Pro-active, so that's great ! 

This is the author of the book, she is the "shame" researcher... very articulate.. give a listen... 

The Gifts of Imperfection - YouTube


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Thank you Simply. I'm going to look for it today. I'm not, and in turn, my wife and I aren't in the same bad place as a couple months ago, but yes, I am VERY pro-active.

Again, from that striving for perfection, I like to stay ahead of my problems, instead of waiting for them to rear up.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I think insecurities aren't a big deal if you can expressed them to your partner and they are sympathetic and understanding, i mean we all have some insecurities one way or another.

My estranged used any insecurity i ever showed as a weapon against me, it just incited rage in him.


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## Rogers (Aug 25, 2012)

I struggle with insecurities as well. My partner is very attractive and gets looked at whenever we go out and hit on when she goes out with her girlfriends. 

I do trust her, and we have an awesome sex life. I actually went to see Magic Mike with her and she gave me a wristy in the cinema during the movie. She said to me yes Channing is hot but your the man I have and want, which made me feel good. 
She can get insecure too and gets jealous if a woman perves at me which really helps with my insecurities as it makes me realise she does love me. 

She says to me that despite all these guys that perve and hit on her I'm the one she's chosen to be with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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