# I don't know how to fix this...



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Apologies in advance if this gets lengthy. There are a lot of moving parts. I will try to be as concise as possible while laying out all the facts.

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 6.5. He is in his early 30s and I am in my late 20s. We are each other's "one and only." We got married when I was still in college. My husband has always known what he wanted to do for his career, but it's a fairly rare field. He was thrilled when he found a job within a couple hours of our families, and in the same area he went to grad school. We settled here, and eventually bought a house.

Off and on, throughout our marriage, I have struggled with feelings of regret. I have been to an individual therapist, and we have been to a marriage counselor - each to a couple years. I had a tough childhood and I had a lot of stuff to work out... and I DID work a lot of stuff out and am a much more stable and happy person now, in general. But, these feelings still come back every once and a while. These feelings have gotten me in trouble in the past.. I will admit to having a couple emotional affairs with people who started out as friends. These affairs never became physical, and my husband knows about both of them, and I was the one that ended both of them.

My husband is a wonderful man, but my complete opposite. When things are going well, we balance each other out nicely and our personalities feel complimentary. But when they aren't going well, he couldn't feel more alien to me. I find excitement in change, and he feels comfort in routine. I am high drive and he is low drive. I plan for the future and he lives for the present. I am athletic and he is a homebody. I am emotional/spritiual and he is logical/scientific... etc. etc. etc. He's an ISTJ, and I am an ENFJ. However, surprisingly, we have the same primary love language, and it's time spent together. 

Lately, the catalyst for me feeling down is his job situation, coupled with our living situation. His "dream job" - the one he always wanted- currently involves working for a small company that, from everything I hear, sounds like it's falling apart. The dysfunction pours from this place. And every night, I hear about it. The other night, he practically told me that I had better get my day out of the way, because he had a LOT to say. And I sat there for almost a half hour while he complained about clients and coworkers and bosses, etc. etc. And I half-listened, because I have been doing this now for 3 years. I have asked him not to take his frustration out in front of me, and not to give me every detail, but he tells me that I am the only one he has to talk to about this (he has no friends in this area, outside of work) and he needs to let it out somewhere and what is he supposed to do, hold it all in? I have suggested that he use exercise as an outlet, but he never has energy to exercise because his job is so draining. He also says he never has time, because of everything he has to do outside of work, like the chores. Mind you, I work a very stressful job myself, as the head of marketing for a company with over 250 people. And I am going to school for my Masters at night, while also training for a half marathon. For some reason, I struggle to feel totally sympathetic about his lack of time. But his lack of energy I do understand because I know that he pours every ounce of his energy into his job, out of love for it. And his job is a terrible mistress who leaves very little left of him for me to share.

Coupled with this are my own issues. I struggle with seasonal depression, and this winter (we live in the Northeast) has been oppressive. It's not like I am being complacent about it... I got my blood tested and have been taking a high-dose vitamin D supplement, and I have one of those SAD lights which I use in the mornings at work. I have discussed anti-depressants with my husband and my dr. and we all agree that it's not really going to be the best course of action for me. The problem is, I LIVE for being outside, and right now we're lucky if the temps go out of single digits. In the summer, my husband and I hike together, and it's so awesome! I have practically begged my husband for the last month to learn how to snowshoe with me, so that we can get outside together and I can feel less trapped and he just says "the winter is almost over... why learn something like that now?" Every year, when the heaviness gets to be too much and I feel like I am slowly starting to go crazy like a caged animal, I ask him, what are the chances that we could move to some place warm, with more sun? And he tells me that will never happen because he refuses to leave his job and his family.

And every year around this time, I start to resent him, pegging him as the source of my suffering. I recognize that this is illogical, and totally wrong... but when I feel so miserable, and he seems to indifferent to my own situation, how can I not feel like he is my captor? How can I not feel trapped by this marriage to this alien, and this job of his that I hear him complain about day after day? I have told him all of this, and he says "thank you for telling me how you feel. I appreciate it and I am sorry you feel this way." and that is always the end of it. And I wait for winter to end so that I can feel like a normal person again for six months. And the idea of living like this for the next 60+ years seems like a life sentence at this particular moment. 

I feel like a terrible person. I don't want to resent him or our marriage. He's a good man who just so different from me, that he can't understand what I am going through... and vice versa.

Thoughts? What are my options here?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You do have a busy and full life!!

My only suggestion is to not make any decisions while you are depressed. Once the depression lifts and the sun comes out, that is the time to really give thought to what you want. If you decide that you really love your h and want to stay with him, then when the depression hits, you can keep that knowledge that you made at a good time in the back of your mind to help get you through. 

If you want to stay with you h but move, or if you decide to leave him. Again, you need to discuss this with him when you are feeling better and can see the full picture.

Best wishes


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Please do not have children with him and have an honest conversation about this. Both of you deserve loving, compatible partners.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

You sound like you're in desperate need of validation from your spouse. It is a core female need in almost every relationship, and because most men do not know the art of validation, most marital issues arise from this common difficulty. His indifference would be extremely invalidating. We as women usually want someone to be there with us emotionally, and to understand. I think if you spent a good talking/validating session with your husband (which would be quite lengthy and tearful as you have so much pent up) you would be amazed at how much better you feel afterwards, and much of your resentments will fade.

So if you would like to try this experiment, be clear to your husband beforehand in a direct manner that you want to talk to him, but your only desire is for him to listen to you, and to verbally let you know he understands your feelings. No interrupting, and no "fixing" of your problems.

I hope things get better for you!


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Thank you for the responses so far - I know my post was a lot to read through! 

JustHer - I agree with you, I shouldn't make any decisions in my current state. I am not seeing things clearly. However, I am afraid if I wait until all of this passes, I will somehow forget how difficult it is at this moment, and I will lose my resolve to try to change things. These cycles have been going on for years now, and yet somehow, I always end up here, in the same place. I don't want to do this again.

Sanity - lucky for everyone, neither one of us wants children, so that's easy  However, in regard to having loving, compatible partners... he's actually very happy with our marriage and thinks we are perfectly compatible. He has told me before that he believes we are soulmates, meant to be together, because our differences are perfectly balanced and make the other person whole. Right now, I am the only one who is feeling unfulfilled.

Compatibility is something that I have struggled with, and I think the root of this whole thing is that I have, on a very fundamental level, changed as a person since we started dating. When we first met, I was shy, introverted, and had very low self esteem. Coming from a difficult home situation, his steady, constant nature was a solid foundation for me to cling to - and cling to him I did. Until I went to therapy, our relationship was unbalanced in a very unhealthy way. I had never really figured out who I was, and I based my whole world around my husband. Only in the last 5 years, with the help of therapy, have I really come into my own. I lost 50 lbs, gained self confidence, learned that I loved running and being active, made new friends, found a job that I love. Overall, things have really come together in my life. The issue is that he has not changed very much, and now I feel a separation between us that grows every year. But I don't think he feels the same separation because I think while he recognizes that I have changed, he likes the changes and doesn't think they really have any bearing on our relationship.

ComicBookLady - While I agree with you that the lack of validation is at least part of my frustration, I don't think hearing that he understands me is going to be enough to fix everything. I think what is happening is that, as I have changed, I have begun to want different things than he wants (long-term), and the question becomes - can we somehow find the common ground and walk a shared path, or are we reaching a crossroads where we have to go our separate ways?


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

Your situation is a difficult one. My wife and I are similar in that we were friends for years and married young. As such, we have both changed in the 10 years we have been married and realized that we are quiet different from who we were when we married. Like you and your husband, we have disparate sex drives, separate interests, and very different approaches to life. The Cliff Notes version is that I am more like you and she is more like your husband.

Your depression, in my opinion, might be legitimately rooted, at least in part, on where you live. Weather is a huge factor as is the way youchoose to manage the way it affects you. As a child, I lived all over the US and as an adult I have even lived abroad. The weather and the general feel of a place hve a huge impact on my quality of life. Like you, I am active and spend significant amounts of time outdoors running, skiining, snowshoeing, snowboarding, etc. I have specifically chosen to live in the Western US because I can spend equal amounts of time out of doors in the winter as I can in the summer. I trail run in the Rocky Mountains year round. Summers are spent hiking, mountain biking, and mountaineering. In the winter I ski, snowboard, and continue trail running. 

The difficulty lies in my relationship with my wife. Not only is she less fit, but she is unwilling to try. So I can relate to your frustration. Regarding where you live, I work in finance and spend a lot of time in New York, Boston, DC, etc. I enjoy the East Coast and the people/culture it provides, but it just does not provide the recreational opportunities necessary for a happy life for me. Winters are too cold, and there are too many people to feel like you ever really get away. Location for me is critical, and it sounds like it might be for you too. Don't discount the importance of where you choose to make your life. Where I live is imperative to my happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

OP

You have my sympathy. I too suffer from seasonal depression.

I find it very helpful to go South during the winter whenever I can. I particularly liked it when my work required me to go to Florida for a week early every March.

It is amazing how much even just a week in the sun and warmer air perks you up. It makes the winter feel much shorter. And as the time for the trip South approaches it really lifts your spirits.

Maybe, if your budget permits, you could make a habit of a break down South every winter?

I am hoping as I get older it will soon be possible to spend at least two months south of latitude 30 every winter.

Good luck


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

FoodFrenzy, print off this thread, or copy and past it to your word doc. It will help you to remember how you felt when the clouds have lifted. Keep a journal, this too will show you and your husband the seriousness of it.

Unfortunately, sometimes people just grow apart. It is not right or wrong, it just is. In friendships, we can sometimes come back together, kind of like making a circle, you go one way, they go another but then you eventually meet back up ().

In marriages, not so likely. He will either listen to you and try to meet you in the middle at least, or he will not make any effort. When the clouds lift, and after you two talk, then you will have a better idea of how you want to proceed, what you want for the rest of your life and what you are willing to give up.

In the mean time, why don't you start seeing what is out there in regards to job prospects for the both of you? This too will give you some reality to bring to the conversation.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

FF,

I think so many marriages are in a state that is similar to yours. I identified with a great deal of what you shared. No apologies from you about your post please you express yourself honestly and in a beautiful manner.

I think your will find yourself among many here who share very similar circumstances. Your plight is not an easy one. You built a foundation with your H and want it to continue to grow yet he is happy with the "starter model". It is not very realistic nor conducive to long term happiness.

As I was reading I was waiting for the part where you shared your concerns with him. Heartfelt communication is such a problem for so many. How dissapointing that it went in one ear and out the other. I believe you have to sit him down and let him know that your grateful he listened when you had the discussion but sorely disappointed he did not hear you. Let him know he has to understand how important this is because your future depends on it. If that does not get his attention I think you have some difficult decisions ahead.

In regards to work I will relate my own experiences. I once worked at a company with a great deal of drama and one day my wife just told me flat out she was tired of hearing about it and if it was so bad I should move on. A couple of things happened; I moved on and I never bring up work to her unless she asks. Conversely I talk to her about her work all the time as it interests me, she appreciates my counsel and if I am tired of it I am at a point in life where I know how to change the conversation without offending.

How realistic is it for him to find work elsewhere in the country and for you to be mobile? Sometimes an adventure in a strange new place can be exciting. When we did this about 10 years into our marriage it was the happiest 3 years of our marriage.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Food frenzy:

Have your emotional affairs affected your relationship with him? I.e. the way he feels about you. You've given him reason not to trust you, which in turn may have alienated him from you to some extent. Even if he hasn't articulated that.

It sounds like you no longer love him. If that is the case, things are doomed unless you both seriously address the issues, with MC for example.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

FoodFrenzy said:


> ComicBookLady - While I agree with you that the lack of validation is at least part of my frustration, I don't think hearing that he understands me is going to be enough to fix everything. I think what is happening is that, as I have changed, I have begun to want different things than he wants (long-term), and the question becomes - can we somehow find the common ground and walk a shared path, or are we reaching a crossroads where we have to go our separate ways?


The other purpose to him learning to validate, is that he will learn how to understand you better. I don't think he is understanding how much this is effecting you because he is listening purely on a technical level. Why should he move away from the area? His family is there. Idea dismissed. Why should he learn to snowshoe right now? Winter is almost over. Idea dismissed. 

If he learned to hear and understand your deep pain/difficulties beneath your requests, I think you would find him much more malleable because he would realize your pain and want to help you. Right now he doesn't see it. Once he learns to actively listen to you he will, and you can go forward to find that middle ground.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Rugby - I am sorry that you are in a similar situation. Obviously, you also have my sympathy. It's hard because my husband has always been my best friend, and I felt like we used to do everything together because we had so much in common. However, as I have grown up and changed the interests we have shared have become less and less. By far, our greatest shared interest is traveling, and that is still a very strong bond - but when you take a single vacation each year, it's not like we necessarily have a reliable "hobby" together that we can bond over on regular intervals.

When my husband and I first got together - oh the conversations we would have! We would talk for hours about anything and everything - God, the nature of the universe, food, family, fears, hopes, dreams... Now when I ask him about any of these things, he has very little to say. I think it's because he hasn't really changed all that much, and he's said everything already. This makes me so sad, because I miss my old best friend. These days, we mostly talk about work and then spend the night sitting in front of the TV. 

Tryingtobebetter - I am sorry you also suffer from seasonal depression. It can be so hard! Sometimes, I just feel so hollow and empty inside, and it feels like it's for no reason. Or I get so frustrated with the cold and the snow that I actually feel like crying when I step outside because I feel so trapped. I want so badly to control it, and make it go away, because it feels so silly to me... so it's cold and cloudy... so what? Life has so many bigger problems! But there is no denying it affects me.

My husband and I have differing opinions on the importance of being near our families... because I had a less-than-ideal childhood, my ties with my own family are not as strong as my husband's. It's not like I don't love my family - I do! But I have worked very hard to create healthy boundaries with them, and I find that those boundaries get crossed whenever I visit. It is easier for me to keep our relationship healthy over the phone, because it gives me more control over the situation. When I am visiting them (because they never visit me), and I am in their house, it feels much like entering the lion's den. My husband, however, is much closer to his parents (even though they have their own issues) and he needs to see them on a fairly regular basis. Sometimes I get a little jealous, but I figure that's because I don't have the same feelings about my own family and I wish I did. His family is not "my type" - afterall, my husband is my complete opposite, so it's safe to assume his family is too. However, they are very nice people with good hearts and good intentions, and I would never ever get in the way of his relationship with them because I know how important it is.

I think you are right, and my husband and I actually discussed this last night (we had another talk, based on feedback here) - we do need to make a point of going south in the middle of the winter. We've done that twice, and both times, my depression was so much less than it otherwise would have been. My biggest issue with it is that neither one of us makes a whole lot of money, and spending it on a maintenance vacation every year makes it really difficult to save up for the longer trips we want to take... 

JustHer - I will print this thread. And I have looked at jobs before... I send them to my husband sometime, when I find one that he's qualified for, or one that I would love to do. But last night, when we talked, he reiterated again that he does not want to leave this area because he likes it and we're close to our families.

RClawson - I have mentioned to him before that I can't take the complaining anymore, and if it's really that bad, he should leave. The problem is, my husband already has a tendency to bottle up his emotions and with how frustrated he is, if he just stopped talking about it, I think it would kill him. I think he feels a certain level of intimacy with me when he shares these things, because his work-related dinner discussions are probably some of the biggest expressions of emotion he shows to anyone, and he has indicated that he would feel invalidated by not being able to share how he feels. Again, I agree that if he is that miserable, he should look somewhere else, but for him, moving out of the area is out of the question unless it is forced. Given that there is so much dysfunction at his workplace, I do recognize that, at some point, the company could inevitably fail. That is probably the only way my husband would consider moving.

nuclearnightmare - my emotional affairs have had surprisingly little affect on our relationship. In fact, my husband was with me at a bar when I was dancing with one of them (the dancing became rather inappropriate) and my husband stood by and had no reaction. It was the lack of reaction that got us into MC in the first place. I was floored that he didn't seem to care. It was only after being in counseling for months that we realized my husband is afraid/doesn't know how to emote - it's not like he didn't care, he just stuffed it all down inside. Hence why I am afraid to tell him to stop complaining every night at dinner about work... in a way, his emotional outpourings are progress. 

However, in the trust factor, he has not shown any signs of not trusting me. With the second emotional affair, I opened up to him as soon as I realized what was happening. And when I broke it off, I let my husband see and read everything said between me and this other guy - I was pretty transparent about the entire thing. But I recognize that my behavior was still totally out of line. I don't WANT to ever want anyone other than my husband... and I see these emotional affairs as symptoms of a larger problem - the fact that we have grown apart and my emotional needs are not being met. But the owness is still on me and I live with the regret every day because my husband has never done anything even remotely flirtatious with another woman, and it's all very unfair to him.

As for me no longer loving him... I know that isn't true. I may sound a bit cold and calculating about the whole thing, but I think that's my depression and frustration talking. I don't believe I would have come to this forum, looking for help and ways to fix this situation if I didn't love him. Even if he feels very far away from me right now, I recognize that he is a good, good man and we have so much history together. I do not want to throw that away. 

ComicBookLady - I see your point now and I understand what you are saying. This is something we have struggled with in therapy - since my husband is so scientifically minded, our counselor has discovered that my husband essentially dismisses anything that does not compute to him. If he can't understand it, he can't recognize it as being true. He has tried to work on this, and sometimes when he does it, I remind him "You don't have to agree in order for it to be valid." And he'll usually apologize and we move on. But it's something he's done much of his life and I think it's just a hard habit to break. 

We had another talk last night, and it was difficult but I think we at least made a little progress. I kept trying new ways to explain how I feel about the situation and after framing it a different way, some of it started to click. He agreed that it wasn't fair to me for him to come home, dump on me with all of his emotions, and then walk away and sit in his office alone while I was left to carry all of his negativity around by myself for the rest of the night. But he said he still needs me to vent to... so I am not sure we actually have a solution there? Also, he said that, no matter what, we are going someplace warm next year, and that we should have gone somewhere this winter. We both agree that a winter hobby that gets us outside, and a trip to sun and warmth in the middle of winter could be enough to make winter bearable for me. He also apologized for poopooing my idea this year for trying a new hobby, because he now recognizes that was my attempt to try to help myself. However - he still says winter is almost over and there's no point in trying this year *eye roll.* I have friends who snowshoe... I might ask them to do it with me. Obviously, there's some kind of mental block here, and I am an adult, perfectly capable of snowshoeing with someone else. It just makes me sad because it feels like one more thing that I am learning to do without him.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I can understand your frustrations. You are too young to be told that you can never move to another place because he refuses to move away from his job & family. You are open to change & dreams of a better future & he refuses to discuss it with an open mind.

You also need to set up a boundary with him regarding his work venting. I understand his need but don't let him guilt you into it. Too much negativity is draining for you.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

I just wanted to thank everyone again for your responses. We had a few sunny, warm-ish days over here and both times I went for long runs to try to soak up all the sun... it did me a world of good. Though now it's snowing again and only 12 degrees out :-/ 

While I am not 100% back to my old self yet, some of the weight has lifted and I am finding myself feeling less emotionally separated from my Husband. That said, I know that I still need to have a serious discussion with him about our future, and I am glad that I have this thread to look back on for support and reference. Thank you!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are very analytical over all of this. I guess I would say "Sometimes love just ain't enough"

What does this mean? If you go to work and fail to do your job properly, even if your boss likes you personally, does this have any bearing? Your husband is failing to do his job as a husband properly.

A man's job is to make his wife's life great becuase he is a part of it. You are looking for ways to tolerate and accept a man who fails to do the right thing as your husband.... Not a recipe for life long fulfillment in my opinion.

You seem to have described some epic fails by your man:
-- Putting his job before his marriage
-- Putting all his emotinal energy into his job leaving none for his marriage
-- Putting up with a horrible work situation and complaining about it.
-- Using you as his therapist

You cannot have a decent marriage, and as a consequence a fulfilling life, as long as he is doing this. No work arounds here. He is the source of your suffering. Becuase he is not delivering on the implied promise of marriage: a happy and fulfilling life. Yes, that is his job, just as it is your job.

But it does work both ways. You can mainly correct the things that you are doing wrong. Let me give you an example. Your husband needs to complain to you about his job (I know, I already said he shouldn't be doing this, but go with me).... You get mad and resentful. But, you could also choose to decide that you are very happy that you have the opportunity to do something nice for your man, to make his life better in some way becuase you are there to listen. See, 2 different ways of looking at the very same thing.

The very model of your marriage has to change. What you are running to is the "just there" model. As if the 2 of you had certain paths you wanted to take in life. You wanted marriage, no kids, and dream jobs. You checked those boxes. Now you are just "following that path"....... The model has to be one of actively trying to put the marriage as the #1 priority in terms of time, actions, emotions, resources with jobs ast the fuel to support the number 1 priority...


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I live in upper midwest, so I can completely empathize with the effects of this winter. My husband is very similar in his level of contentment/depression due to the long winter. 

To be honest, I hear you guide yourself based on feelings. Perhaps your husband does the same.

You both CHOSE each other. His and your actions should reflect that.

Since you are the one here, I can only speak of what you can change (not what you can do to change your husband).

But first, what do you want? Do you want to improve your marriage? Stay put and just vent from time to time? Leave, in case the grass is greener ( a risky move, in my opinion)?

If you want to improve your marriage, take action to do so.

Instead of viewing your husband's work situation with resentment, try to view it as coming along side him....and just loving him.

Also, continue to advocate for your desire for him to come alongside you in the same manner. Tell him it is one of the ways that you feel loved.

You say your interests have diverged. Find areas that you and your husband can more regularly share together.

All of this requires talking with each other....expressing your desire to love him completely and be loved completely in return.

Don't base actions on a feeling....rather base your feelings on your actions. 

Just my two cents


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## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

Emerald said:


> You also need to set up a boundary with him regarding his work venting. I understand his need but don't let him guilt you into it. Too much negativity is draining for you.


I have to agree with this post. I have dealt with the exact same issue with my husband (although the difference is that HE is the one suffering from depression). He would complain and complain ad nauseum, and refuse to change anything about his situation. Your need to not be burdened with negativity about his job is just as valid as his need to vent!


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