# The love switch seems to get jammed both on and off



## Dum Spiro Spero (Jan 18, 2013)

Hi All. I've be an on and off lurker here for the past 4.5 months since my wife left. Reading this forum has been a great comfort when times have been tough - both in terms of the great advice given and knowing you're not the only person in the world trying to cope with this (I guess misery really does love company ) That's obviously somewhat "tongue in cheek", but I'd imagine everyone here understand what I mean.

I've been meaning to post something for a while, but something has always stopped me. I think part of me was worried my wife might read it? :scratchhead: At this point, I really don't think it matters.

So, for what it's worth, here's my story up to now. It mostly follows a familiar script.

Lived together for 12 years, married for 5 (the 12 year figure seems to feature a lot). Financially well off, no abuse, no drugs/alcohol etc. I've never considered cheating and love her dearly. On my side, the usual: guilty of taking things for granted, not good at expressing my feelings and coasting along in a bit of a "go to work, come home - repeat" rut. In saying that, we went on three great overseas holidays in the last 18 months.

My wife has always been a "stay at home" type of person (as have I). About 18 months ago, she started becoming much more social, getting involved with a new social group. I wasn't a big fan, as I was seeing less and less of her, with her going out all the time. I travel overseas a bit for work, so it sucked to be away for 2-3 weeks, then come home and she'd have stuff on, so I still wouldn't see her. She was having fun, so I wanted to be supportive. But really, it manifested more as passive aggressive grumpiness on my part. I guess I just really didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling.

Just after our last holiday (about 6 months before separation) she admitted she wasn't happy (I had no idea) and we attended some counselling. She said a bunch of stuff (which in hindsight was all fluff) about how she felt I didn't do enough around the house etc. I though wow, is that all? That's pretty easy to fix (idiot). So, I started washing dishes (amongst other things) almost every night. Clearly there was more to it, as 6 months later, she walked and all the dish washing in the world wasn't going to stop it.

I really should have followed up more to see how things were going, but it felt like stuff was OK. Plus, there was something that absolutely blind-sided me and will now probably haunt me for the rest of my days.

We were trying to have a baby.

We'd been trying for about 18 months (somewhat haphazardly at times, as I often seemed to be overseas at inopportune times). But, we started trying seriously again after the counselling session and started doing some testing to go down the IVF path.

We tried 2.5 weeks before she left me.

I did the usual. Cried, pledged my undying love, cried, gifts, cried, took on all the blame, cried. You can guess how well that all worked...

Like an idiot, I said I'd help her move out and drive the truck. NEVER DO THIS! Aside from looking like a doormat, moving the the person you love out of your house, watching your life together go into boxes and out the door is soul destroying.

Initially, she agreed that we could go to counselling, wouldn't see other people and could see each other once a week. But, she wanted a two week break while she got settled in her new place. I deluded myself for two weeks that we could fix this and everything would be OK. I bought and read every "save your marriage" and related "self help" book I could get my hands on. I was so optimistic when we finally met two weeks later...

Her ring was off, she had no interest in doing any counselling and she said something along the lines of "I'm single and I'll do whatever I want" and "I just don't love you any more". I can't really remember anything else, or what I said. I must have been in shock for a while, as I remember driving to the shop to get something shortly after, then while driving back, suddenly feeling like I'd taken a shotgun blast to the stomach.

Things got real bad after that.

I started getting claustrophobic when in the (now half empty) house, panic attacks, pretty much the works. I'd taken extended leave from work by this stage (as there was no way I could function) and it was coming up to Christmas. I bought the rope and googled how to tie the knot. I don't think I would have gone through with it, but never would have imagined previously that I would ever even contemplate it. The pain feels like it's never going to end. I doesn't matter what your logical brain tells you at this point.

I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst. Something else I thought I'd never do in my life. I'm very glad I did though, as it's been an immense help. I moved in with my parents at this stage (on psychiatrist's advice), given how it felt to be alone in the house.

That was a bit over 3 months ago. Found TAM, 180 etc. all in this period. It's been a battle, but there's been more good days than bad recently. At some point, my brain just accepted the fact that she was never coming back and if she did, how could I take her back anyway? I recently moved back into the house. It's certainly not great, but so far, so good.

NOW:

Today, I saw her for the first time in 2 months (to talk about splitting finances, what to do with the house etc.). I was praying that when she walked through that door, I would feel nothing. That with the time apart and all the pain, I'd see her without that "aura". Turns out, I'm still in love with her. I know every logical reason why I shouldn't be, but I knew it the second she walked through the door.

I've had our two dogs for the duration of the separation (and I owe them more than I can ever repay in this life time). As the last thing to talk about, she asked about seeing them more often. I told her that would be hard, as I never wanted to see her ever again. She didn't seem particularly surprised, cried a bit, said she understood, hugged the dogs and left.

I think she got that it was "I can't stop loving you and I know you don't love me so I can't see you ever again" rather than "I hate you and don't want to see you again"?

Regardless, I'm now sitting here dealing the fact that I've just told the woman I love that I never want to see her again and knowing that's probably what's going to happen.

I think my "good days in a row" counter just went back to 0.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

That's like reading my own story, with a few very minor variations.

If you've been lurking you've read it all here anyway, so there isn't anything I can really say that you haven't read before. 

The only thing I would say is that things that feel final often aren't. You only know that its absolutely definitely final after months or even years have gone by. 


Good luck. We will all heal in time although it doesn't feel like it at the moment. And thanks for sharing your story.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

"Good day counter - 0" God, that hits home way too hard!

Good thoughts your way, very similar story as well. Although I have a hard time believing she doesn't feel something, it may not be what you want but i guarantee you're an important part of her. Although that's nothing to dwell on.

I know all the pitfalls and hope you have some great new experiences to help fill the void.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

By the way - great user name.

It was the family motto of a girl I once loved, a very long time ago!!


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## Dum Spiro Spero (Jan 18, 2013)

Thanks for taking the time to reply, guys.

Yeah, it's funny how you keep seeing practically the same story over and over. That's probably the other reason I never got around to posting anything before - my story was already here, just with different names.

I think it was the realisation of just how long the road in front of me still is, that prompted me to post. The last 5 months have felt like 5 years, but the last few weeks, I've really felt on top of things. Sucks to get knocked back down again. You do seem to get better at dusting yourself off and carrying on, though.

re: the good days in a row - something that helped me a while back was realising that today doesn't have to be better than yesterday to be making progress. It's not a straight road back to awesomeness. You're going to have crap days. It seems a bit trite, but once I acknowledged that, I've found it much easier to deal with the bad days.

Still breathing, still hoping.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You do realize she found someone else while you were still together.


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## Dum Spiro Spero (Jan 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You do realize she found someone else while you were still together.


Yes.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Welcome to TAM. I hope you find posting aswell as reading to help. It does for me.



Dum Spiro Spero said:


> Still breathing, still hoping.


Had no idea what the user name meant so looked it up. I like it. But.. Hoping for what if i might ask?


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## Dum Spiro Spero (Jan 18, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Welcome to TAM. I hope you find posting aswell as reading to help. It does for me.
> 
> 
> Had no idea what the user name meant so looked it up. I like it. But.. Hoping for what if i might ask?


At the time I signed up, I was hoping for reconciliation. Now, I'm not sure. I guess I just hope to be happy again.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

A much better hope than reconciliation.

You need to find your own happiness regardless of R. R may or may not happen but if you cannot be happy withou R, then any R is likely doomed to fail anyway.

You are right about the same stories. Even those that are different are the same in some way.

You're in the right place and while it sucks to get knocked down, to be a success, it doesn't matter if you get knocked down 100 times so long as you get back up 101 times.


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