# Need advice...Hot and Cold



## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

If someone were to ask me whether or not my husband loved me, I would say, yes. However, if someone were to ask me whether or not he liked me, I would say, he likes what he "idealizes" me to be.

Right now, he seems to be punishing me for being me. Holding affection when something positive happens in my life as opposed to his. He doesn't see it as mutual success, yet he views me as an adversary: like he has to win no matter what the cost. 

One of his colleagues, whom I have never met, recently commented on how he managed to marry someone like me. It seemed to upset him. Not in a jealous way, but in a competitive way. It's almost like I have to be seen and not heard in order for him to respond to me positively. I believe on some level that this is how he views femininity &#55357;&#56850;.

I don't know how to interact with him anymore. In the morning, he wakes up and wants to shower me with kisses. By mid-day he is barely talking to me and I am clueless as to what happened. 

I want to save my marriage if it is worth saving, but I must admit, I am so confused.

Does anyone have any suggestions or insight?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
what is good about him? What makes you love him?


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> what is good about him? What makes you love him?


When he is acting maturely: 
He's funny, kind, fun, generous, caring

It's just not consistent. And when he's on the cold side, he treats me like a stranger that he doesn't like very much.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

So a question...do you make more money than him?



Sent from my iPhone


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You should check this out. It might help you understand a few things.


http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016...issists-how-abusers-manipulate-their-victims/

Sorry, this is a linked provide by @ScrambledEggs in his NPD post.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Men generally wake up very aroused, as this is when their hormones are very concentrated in the body after a night of sleep. So he likely wakes up with an erection and wants to share that with you!



B-you said:


> In the morning, he wakes up and wants to shower me with kisses.


I imagine the two of you proceed to frolic in the bedroom like most couples do and super awesome things happen that would be inappropriate to describe. This resulting sexual "activity" causes you husband to enter into the final phase of the male sexual response which is called the "refractory" period (women do NOT experience this), in which hormones are released into his body that prevent him from engaging in more sex. This allows his body to recover, and at the same time these hormones make you look/feel rather unappetizing to him sexually and appear more like that of just any close family member.



> By mid-day he is barely talking to me and I am clueless as to what happened.


Those would be his refractory hormones preventing him from killing himself by making love to you nonstop for days on end as opposed to resting, eating, and providing for his family. 



> I want to save my marriage if it is worth saving, but I must admit, I am so confused.
> 
> Does anyone have any suggestions or insight?


After you have sex with your husband, make sure BOTH of you are aware of what is going on with his hormones. You need to be aware that there is a brief period that he will find you unattractive sexually, and he needs to be aware that you still have an afterglow and a simple hug can make a huge difference for the rest of your day.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> So a question...do you make more money than him?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone


No


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> You should check this out. It might help you understand a few things.
> 
> 
> The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate their Victims. | elephant journal
> ...


Thank you for the resource. Read article. Unbelievably accurate. 

I am now realizing that his actions have nothing to do with me. Sure, I'm collateral damage, but it appears to me that they treat people this way because of the way it makes them feel - invincible. People who have to use others to get this feeling must be pretty insecure recognizing that they might not have that much depth in themselves to begin with. Most shallow people don't.

They're like puppet masters inspired by their ability to make people do what they want thereby getting what they want. Initially, they get away with this. When you start to catch on, they get easily irritated and angered because they have figured out that they aren't as smart as they think they are.

I guess I am trying to figure out is he really this or just a 40 something year old child who is a spoiled brat. Never quite grew up because his parents enabled him. Quite frankly, one of them may have these tendencies if I think about. I just don't live with them and they can manage opposing better because they are older. It's difficult, though because I see glimpses of good things, so I am contemplating whether or not this is worth it or am I wasting my time.

I've known him over 25 years. We've been married 15. Things started taking a turn the last 3.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

B-you said:


> I don't know how to interact with him anymore. In the morning, he wakes up and wants to shower me with kisses. By mid-day he is barely talking to me and I am clueless as to what happened.


How do you respond when he "showers you with kisses"? If he starts out being affectionate with you and you don't respond in a way that makes it seem like his affection is wanted or reciprocated, he could feel hurt by it, even insulted. He might start out the day happy with you, but when he tries to be affectionate and doesn't get a response he wants, he becomes angry, frustrated, and bitter, which will affect the way he reacts to you.

I know this routine all too well from personal experience.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

He seems to have some strong emotional triggers. 

You might ask him directly why he goes from a lover in the morning to a hater by lunch.....

Because there are triggers. Not saying they are fair or rational. Just saying they exist. And it will help to know what they are. 






B-you said:


> Thank you for the resource. Read article. Unbelievably accurate.
> 
> I am now realizing that his actions have nothing to do with me. Sure, I'm collateral damage, but it appears to me that they treat people this way because of the way it makes them feel - invincible. People who have to use others to get this feeling must be pretty insecure recognizing that they might not have that much depth in themselves to begin with. Most shallow people don't.
> 
> ...


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

Trust in your gut feelings, if you feel he's trying to control you, he probably is. If you feel he's needing to complete then he's trying to control. If he's trying to control he's manipulating you to gain power over you. What gives it away is words you describe: "he punishes me for being me"," holding affection", "he has to win no matter what"," It feels i have to be seen and not heard (meaning you have to change to fit his ideal of you),"showers me with kisses (love bombs you) then holds back affection later. I am married to a manipulator and it's something that it is so painful to go through and you never change them until they have to see it for themselves but they are wired to 'win' and changing is 'loosing' in their world. My suggestion is look at the elephant journal post above and gain as much information about emotional manipulation as you want to so you get to a point where you aware of what he does, so you can make the choice of either walk away when he does his controlling or point it out to him so you mirror his point of view.

Sent from my HUAWEI SCL-L02 using Tapatalk


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

badsanta said:


> Men generally wake up very aroused, as this is when their hormones are very concentrated in the body after a night of sleep. So he likely wakes up with an erection and wants to share that with you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not buying that. Maybe there are hormones at play, but after sex is the time when my DH is affectionate and cuddly, happy and calm, and totally NOT a d1ck just because he shot a load off. I mean.... WTF?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

B-you said:


> Thank you for the resource. Read article. Unbelievably accurate.
> 
> I am now realizing that his actions have nothing to do with me. Sure, I'm collateral damage, but it appears to me that they treat people this way because of the way it makes them feel - invincible. People who have to use others to get this feeling must be pretty insecure recognizing that they might not have that much depth in themselves to begin with. Most shallow people don't.
> 
> They're like puppet masters inspired by their ability to make people do what they want thereby getting what they want. Initially, they get away with this. When you start to catch on, they get easily irritated and angered because they have figured out that they aren't as smart as they think they are.


My experience with a narcissistic ex bf is that this is not conscious. They lack empathy. Using whatever tools they have to get what THEY want makes perfect sense to them. Overcoming resistance to get what they want makes sense to them. When they are gaslighting, I think they really believe the spin they put on things. 

My ex would make these stories up in his head about how I was feeling to justify his actions. I would communicate that, not that was not how I was feeling. I was feeling this way over here. He responded to individual words in my communication that he could use to support his made up mind stories while completely missing the point. I don't think he did this consciously. I think he really believed his mind stories rather than what was observable out there. 



> I guess I am trying to figure out is he really this or just a 40 something year old child who is a spoiled brat. Never quite grew up because his parents enabled him.


In my ex's case, it was the opposite. He was never neglected in the practical sense. His family was solidly middle class. But he never received any tenderness toward him, nor empathy toward him. He never received understanding or saw it played out in his home. His parents were not mean to each other but more likely to argue over who "wins". His sister is the same. She is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. But because she had no need to get things from me, I could see it easily. The ex wanted something from me, so he could be very charming.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> My experience with a narcissistic ex bf is that this is not conscious. They lack empathy. Using whatever tools they have to get what THEY want makes perfect sense to them. Overcoming resistance to get what they want makes sense to them. When they are gaslighting, I think they really believe the spin they put on things.
> 
> My ex would make these stories up in his head about how I was feeling to justify his actions. I would communicate that, not that was not how I was feeling. I was feeling this way over here. He responded to individual words in my communication that he could use to support his made up mind stories while completely missing the point. I don't think he did this consciously. I think he really believed his mind stories rather than what was observable out there.
> 
> ...


Still figuring out how to quote only specific lines in reply....but I thought your line about the parents fighting over who wins was relevant to my H. When we are around his parents now that's what I see. They debate and his father can be quite offensive. Even I can get embarrassed by the way he verbally dismisses the mother and I'm not even involved.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> In my ex's case, it was the opposite. He was never neglected in the practical sense. His family was solidly middle class. But he never received any tenderness toward him, nor empathy toward him. He never received understanding or saw it played out in his home. His parents were not mean to each other but more likely to argue over who "wins". His sister is the same. She is one of the most selfish people I have ever met. But because she had no need to get things from me, I could see it easily. The ex wanted something from me, so he could be very charming.


This matches what I've seen in life too.

I think people have to be taught empathy as a child, it's not something that develops automatically. Just like they have to be taught to read and write or they'll grow up illiterate, they have to be taught to practice empathy or they grow up selfish etc.

Unlike reading and writing though, it seems as if empathy is an extremely difficult skill to pick up once a person is an adult because they would first have to understand that they are lacking that skill in order to work to learn it.

As for the OPs husband, I don't think what he is doing is conscious either. I think you should make him aware of his actions OP. I also think you should try the 180 to get some perspective on the situation. It's hard to see the forest for the trees when you're reeling from one rejection to another.


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