# Dealing with family after an affair.....(sigh)



## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

So, my H had a year long affair and basically put me through hell for a year. You know, the classic behavior... and my family was there to help me pick up the pieces while I licked my wounds.

Long story short...H's fog was lifted when I implemented the 180. I exposed him and his behavior, got a lawyer, filed for divorce, changed the locks, called the OW's husband... the whole nine yards.

Anyway, H begged for forgiveness, said he would do anything to fix it, blah blah blah. In his defense, He has done everything he should be doing(MC, IC, No contact letter, total transparency, etc)

Now my new issue...MY family members all seem to have an opinion on what I should be doing or should have done and it is pissing me off. I am getting pressure from them as if I am a fool to have given him a 2nd chance. They all treat him like an outcast and he has become the whipping post for snide comments. For example, at one family event we were all joking around about how awful my mother's dogs behave. Everyone was taking a turn poking fun, everyone was laughing, but when my H poked fun, everyone jumped on him for doing the SAME thing they were doing. It now seems my H is always wrong or "crossing" the line. They are very critical of him.

Now mind you, many of them are living in glass houses of thier own and should not be throwing stones.

So, after several months of this behavior, I lost it and called them all out and got into a big argument with them. I basically told them, I feel this is MY decision that I am making for me and MY children and they can either support me AND my H or get out of the way of me and H trying to fix our marriage.I also reminded of them about living in a glass house...

Any advice on how to deal with family and friends who may not share the same optimistic goal you have would be greatly appreciated. It is bad enough I have to deal with the whole affair thing. Now I have to deal with family drama too. 

Mind you, I would NOT be giving H a second chance had he not been doing everything he has. I am more than capable of taking care of myself and kids on my own. My decision was based on H's effort, me not wanting to throw 10 years of marriage away or wreck my kid's family. Besides, things are getting better for us everyday and I am proud of the work we both have been doing these past 9 months.

Anyone else have this problem?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm on the other side of the fence -- I have told no one of my wife's exploits, to avoid this very scenario. But I learned something from you -- the best thing to do is exactly what you did, get it out in the open that you have made a choice and will not tolerate destructive behavior.

Should it come to that point, I will do the same -- proactively, to avoid the conflict in the first place. Thanks for sharing.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Don't have the problem personally, but i am privy to my brother's wife having an affair. I see her differently, just don't treat her differently, because it isn't my job to mistreat her because of her deeds.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I just wouldn't hang around you, or him anymore- PERIOD! I can't stand cheaters in any _way_, _shape_, or _form_. If you were_ my _sister I'd say- SEE YA!... WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA! Sorry, but he not only cheated on you, but cheated on your _whole_ family as well. At least that's my take on it. SORRY.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Yup! She made her bed...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

But she's not the one that cheated. Her H did. So if someone gets cheated on, they should be blacklisted? Please tell me that's not what you mean.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I never said they should be blacklisted. I said that people don't have to accept them. I'd rather not be around people like that. I know that I've hung around people who have cheated before unbeknownst to me. If I had known... I'd get up and leave... SERIOUSLY. You guys seem to live in this La La Land where other people are accepting of this... c'mon... you guys know better than that- deep down inside you KNOW what people REALLY think about cheaters, they just won't say it out loud. At least I'm honest with my feelings... I'm not gonna be playing-up to you, and then be talking about you and your cheating spouse behind your back. The truth hurts.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

The wider family supported you in your year of of hell. To lambast them seems ungrateful. 

You ought to feel some sympathy for them, afterall, his lies upon lies have had a wider effect. Many DS lie not only to their spouse but to their friends, their family, their parents and everyone is affected. 

Both you and your husband should give serious consideration to calling a family meeting or meet separately whichever is better and explain to them that the decision to mend the marriage is between two people; you and your husband. The decision has been made and therefore you would be most grateful if the family could respect that decision and you would like for them to offer their support to make it work. 

It may be appropriate to seek out a venue somewhere small where the environment is conducive to closeness and harmony in order for the meeting to be successful.

The family have been betrayed too and your husband needs to explain to them that he is trying to make his marriage work and how he is so grateful that his wife has given him this one opportunity of a second chance and he needs their help for that chance to be successful since there will always be family events and therefore their support is vital and important. 

No-one said it would be easy but giving yourselves a second chance may well be much better than a bitter costly divorce where your whole relationship is told to strangers such as lawyers who charge a fortune for the privelage. 

Good Luck to you both.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

BigBri said:


> I never said they should be blacklisted. I said that people don't have to accept them. I'd rather not be around people like that. I know that I've hung around people who have cheated before unbeknownst to me. If I had known... I'd get up and leave... SERIOUSLY. You guys seem to live in this La La Land where other people are accepting of this... c'mon... you guys know better than that- deep down inside you KNOW what people REALLY think about cheaters, they just won't say it out loud. At least I'm honest with my feelings... I'm not gonna be playing-up to you, and then be talking about you and your cheating spouse behind your back. The truth hurts.


I am far from "La La Land", if anything I have a better sense of reality then I ever did before my H's affair. 

People screw up and make bad decisions. I would never want my worst mistake in life to define me for the rest of it. As long as we grow and learn from our past, that is what's really important to shaping a better future.

People who say they never would cheat, just haven't been put in the situation yet that would tempt them. I think everyone is capable of cheating and to say otherwise is living the fantasy. I used to believe the fantasy, now my eyes are wide f*@king open. I will never believe anyone incapable of it again, because then you'll get knocked on you @$$ if it happens. Being vigilant and aware that cheating is always a possibility will hopefully help prevent it from happening.

Yes, I could leave my H after 17 years and two children, but who's to say I wouldn't get cheated on again? I still love my H and I'm willing to give him ONE chance to prove to me that he can be a better man. If he fails, I will leave. Actually, he will leave, I get the house. 

My point, you can't cut out everyone from your life that has ever f-ed up. I hate drunk drivers. Would I turn my back on a loved one if they killed someone in a drunk driving accident? If they didn't realize the devastation they caused and get help for their behavior, then yes. But if they can see the devastation they caused and are willing to do anything to learn from it and be better person, then no. Drunk driving is a choice and people do it all the time without thinking about the damage they can cause. People do stupid stupid $#!t, but sometimes it's only by their mistakes they can learn.

Pacmouse, stay strong and hopefully with time your family will come around. My H ended the affair right away, so I only told a few friends and his family. It's been hard with some friends, but everyone is going by my lead and it's getting easier. I think if they had seen me suffer for a long period of time, it would harder.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> People who say they never would cheat, just haven't been put in the situation yet that would tempt them.


*au contraire mon frere* I'll be blunt. I've had [email protected] thrown in my face so many times its not even funny. But you know what- I only wanted one person... my girlfriend. Yeah... I took a look here and there, but I NEVER strayed, so why can't I expect that from my significant other???



> My point, you can't cut out everyone from your life that has ever f-ed up.


Why not? Sometimes there are just some people who are toxic. You need to cut them out in order to live a more productive life. This is done all the time. Parents always tell their children they shouldn't hang-out with the "bad element," right? The thing is that when _we_ grow-up, we think we know better that most. There are people who have been cheated on multiple times only to take these poor excuses back again... you're telling they're not setting themselves up for more heartache... c'mon. Stop with all this BS about love and stuff- sometimes love is not enough.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

RWB said:


> Saffron,
> 
> You state "People who say they never would cheat, just haven't been put in the situation yet that would tempt them."
> 
> ...


I see your point, perhaps I should add...."Unless they've already lived through the hell of being cheated on and made the decision to stay faithful regardless of any situation."

To me, life is too long to think that at some point a person wouldn't be tempted given the right cicucmstances. My husband just created a ripe situation where I could be tempted. Prior to his affair, I would've said I'd never be capable of cheating on him,. Didn't say I would cheat, but given my new reality, I can see how I could be tempted by a revenge thing. Not going to happen, because I've made the conscious decision NOT to cheat. I think too many people throw the words "I'd never" out there without really putting any thought behind them. You have put some thought behind it, so if you were ever tempted, even for a second, you've already decided, "no way."

Life is constantly changing, so I want to keep my guard up. I see how easily people get seduced by the temptation of newness. I still think everyone is capable, but someone taking the forethought to choose not to become a cheater is what prevents them.

BigBri, I agree that a relationship where you constantly keep busting your SO cheating is toxic. You're right, there comes a point where love is not enough. I'm not at that point. If my H cheats again, no amount of love I have for him will be enough to try again. I have no issue with you deciding to not take back your SO. I'd probably tell anyone unmarried who had a SO that cheated to run for the hills. I take my wedding vows very seriously, even though my H broke them, so I'm giving R a try. I have not forgiven him yet and I will not until I feel he's earned it. Jury is still out.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

My husband came back to me after a yr and a half I mean he came back 2 weeks before our divorce was to be final, and I am giving him another chance, I have no real proof he cheated, I am pretty sure he did. but my family backs me in whatever decision I make, they of course dont want me to be hurt but they all said the same thing, there marriages are not perfect either, my sister husband cheated before they were married, my other sister and her husband had and still have the most terrible fights, he has called the police on her, my brother is an alcoholic and my sister in law is the boggest ***** to my brother, and they wouldnt want me to start telling them they shouldnt be with there spouses, to each his own, if my brother likes being treated bad its not my place to say anything, I cant stand the way she talks to him but he puts up with it, if I didnt agree with cheaters, police callers or people who degrade there spouses then i wouldnt be talking to anyone. 




The only one who is pissed is my aunt, and she is pissed cause her kids are all f-ed up, two of them are divorced and one is on her way, and it was her kids fault there divorced, one is a gambler, one is a player and one is a lazy b. my aunt loves drama of other peoples lives, but dont ask about her family cause she will never disclose anything about them. when I told her we were reconciling she said she didnt think it was a good idea, i said i didnt ask for your permission i am just telling you before you hear it from someone else.



My parents have both passed and I know my mother wouldnt be to happy, but she would have accepted it. not sure how my father would have felt but its my life and I am the one taking the risk of getting hurt, but really I have became stronger through this and If it ended tomorrow I would be fine. I learned alot about myself through this. everyone deserves another chance, thats all i am willing to give. so far things are great. my family is great, they invited him to cookout and parties and its like nothing ever happened. I thought his family would be different but I went to his sisters engagement party and was welcomed with open arms. screw everyone, until they walk in your shoes tell them its your life


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

pacmouse said:


> So, my H had a year long affair and basically put me through hell for a year. You know, the classic behavior... and my family was there to help me pick up the pieces while I licked my wounds.
> 
> Long story short...H's fog was lifted when I implemented the 180. I exposed him and his behavior, got a lawyer, filed for divorce, changed the locks, called the OW's husband... the whole nine yards.
> 
> ...


Exactly why I think exposure is BS!! It goes for anything taboo not just Affairs...you can add drugs, felony convictions, excessive gambling, etc etc.

It will take years literally to remedy the now "stained perception" people will have of him and you.

Best of luck!! That's why this shi% needs to stay under wraps.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Without exposure the affair might still be going on, though. An AP's spouse has a right to know of their cheating spouse's behavior. As to the family and friends thing. These people are not under any obligation to accept your decision. It's up to you if you're willing to put up with it. Like I said before... I don't; and I will not accept this for myself. Now... if a family member has this sort of situation going on, I'd rather not be included in functions where they will be in attendance- PERIOD! I'd rather tell you to your face that I'm not comfortable being around said person, than being fake to you while talking behind your back about it. At least I'm honest and upfront about it. If you REALLY believe that people aren't talking about you and your cheating spouse behind your back, then you're more gullible than I thought.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

RWB, how has your wife dealt with the strain in the family? Has she openly addressed it to the benefit of improving relations with other members? I know your brother isnt talking. There is now a situation with my BIL and sisterthat is causing significant tension in the family, and I'm having trouble finding a good way of interacting with them. I'm not sure what advice I can give my BIL to work on easing tension .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I confessed, with my wife, to my parents and her mother (my wife's an only child and her father passed years ago). All three of them want to act like it never happened - they have never discussed it again with her or me. That has actually been hard on my wife since she was looking to them for support. I have not told my one brother or his wife, if my wife wanted me to I would but she doesn't see the point. I may tell him one day but right now it's just a needless complication to the family dynamic, which for reasons not related to my affair is already complex.


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