# How can I make myself feel better?



## thiscantbemyhusband (Aug 22, 2012)

How can I help myself so that I can help my children get thru this? I just cant take the pain...he is still living in the home and still talking to her per the phone records...what should I do?

Here is my previous post:
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> How can I help myself so that I can help my children get thru this? I just cant take the pain...he is still living in the home and still talking to her per the phone records...what should I do?
> 
> Here is my previous post:
> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


Take him up on his offer to move out. You can't even begin to heal with him in the house disrespecting you. I know it will be hard, but for your sake and the children, it's better all around if you begin with some breathing room (him out of the house) and go from there.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> How can I help myself so that I can help my children get thru this? I just cant take the pain...he is still living in the home and still talking to her per the phone records...what should I do?
> 
> Here is my previous post:
> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


So sorry you are here.

Perhaps it is a midlife crisis. Some men and women have them and those that do often use it as an excuse to have an affair. Some psych pros do not believe there is such a thing as a mid life crisis. They think it is just an excuse for an already self absorbed unstable person, perhaps with BPD or NPD.

We also live in a society that celebrates and encourages affairs, so don't blame yourself.

If this woman is also married expose her to her husband.

Also, you might contact human resources or his boss because often fraternization at work and talking about personal issues as well as being dishonest enough to cheat is discouraged at most offices. 

First find out all you can about the OW. 

Exposing can burst their bubble. It makes them see the sleaziness of what they are doing. It's like sunlight to a vampire and often kills the desire for the affair because it exposes the ugliness of it.

Best wishes.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

thiscantbemyhusband said:


> How can I help myself so that I can help my children get thru this? I just cant take the pain...he is still living in the home and still talking to her per the phone records...what should I do?
> 
> Here is my previous post:
> My husband and I have been married for 14 years and together for 18 years. We have 4 children in the home and I found out the day after my 14 year anniversary that my husband was not happy and that he felt like something was missing. Said that I wasnt affectionate enough etc. In a panic I started trying to do everything I could to try and make him happy but he was unresponsive. I just could not understand why after all these years and children he could just decide Im not happy with this anymore. Family was always important to him, WE were always his priority. After some investigation work of checking the cell phone records I found that he was sending numerous text/instant messaging and making numerous phone calls to a girl from his office starting in June. I am in shock and devastated. He denies anything physical but Im not sure I believe him. Regardless he is having an emotional affair with her He then locked me out of the cell phone account, if that didnt speak volumes. He wants to move out to try "and fix whats broken in him" and see "if we can reconnect". wants us "to be friends for the kids reagrdless of how this turns out". I am so hurt and dont know what to do with myself. I would appreciate any and all advice. I have know he was unhappy since 7-12-12 and of the phone converstaions since 7-26-12. I did not want to make any rash decisions because of the children. This man was my bestfriend. I dont know how to cope. Please help!


I am so sorry about all of this. Are you in counseling? Are you falling into a depression? I am concerned about your health & emotional well being as you deal with this shock.

How old are your children?

When is he moving out?

Stay here for support.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry friend, he's lying, he's having sexz with this coworker. Even he's not having sex now he will do it very soon, before or after moving out. In his mnind he already had the "talk", all is legit for no own. Now he will not have any guilt. You are to blame.
You need to go further than him at letting him go. Detach. He's on drugs ritght now, he believes has all the power, he's like a self centered teenager. You need to rock his world like yesterday. It's the only chance in order to make him secondguess all and eventually get out the thick fog he is in.
Lawyer up, file. ASAP
Gather evidence.
Expose him.
Pull *the 180*.
Ony logistics, kids and finances are in the menu. No chit chat, no discussing relationship. Nada. Don't give him any kind of emotional response. Don't acuse him, don't fiscuss anythings, don't begs (for heave's sake), don't be clingy, dont get angry nor sad. Bussiness like.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

This sounds so much like my story. My H did wrote me a letter on our anniversary, I tried to fix everything (and they were all stupid little things) and found out on my own about the A. He continued to deny it. My advice would be to do the 180 and figure everything out. Is there more to the story? Is he the same person? What do you really, truly want? How much are you willing to deal with? My bet is there is much more to the story....start digging. Good luck and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MikelHochst (Aug 28, 2012)

You need to go further than him at letting him go.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Sorry, but things are usually worse than you've discovered. Iceberg analogy. It almost certainly has gone physical given his behaviour and his response that it wasn't. Cheaters lie. That is for certain.

And he's showing you no respect still contacting her. Acabado is right. 180, lawyer and expose them both.


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## thiscantbemyhusband (Aug 22, 2012)

I am going to schedule and appointment for counseling...the children are 12, 10 and 6 year old twins...Im not sure when he is moving out, last week was the first day of school for the twins and I ask him not to tell them anything because they were already nervous about starting school. We havent discussed it since.


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## thiscantbemyhusband (Aug 22, 2012)

bump...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm glad you are going to counseling. Expose the affair to OWM. He deserves to know. File for legal separation to protect your assets & to protect yourself from any debts he may run up spending money on OW. When the children ask why Daddy moved out, tell them the truth - to be with another woman, not to "find himself."

I agree with the other poster; it is all business now even though your heart will tell you otherwise.

If a cheater shows no remorse, wants to runaway from the family to the OW & doesn't want to work on the marriage, then gracefully let him go. 

Once the fog lifts, he may come crawling back then you get to decide if you will let him.

Take your power back.


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