# A REAL honest guys(or woman's) opinion needed. No sugar coating please.



## jen316 (Dec 14, 2012)

Breakdown: Married 21 years. Both turned 40 this past October. His mid-life crisis starts. Gets 2 tattoos, bought a harley. Harmless enough. Own our own business. Have 4 sales people that work for us. One of which is a 24 year old female. Ah, there it is. Met once before when he trained her for a week when they worked for another company before we started our own business. She was 22 then and like 3 months pregnant. I did not meet her at that time, but as most woman do, I asked that age old question. What does she look like? Like you honey. A little big boned, but she's tomboyish. No people, hubby and I are both overweight. Said girl is hired on to work for us. Finally meet her. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! This girl isn't only 24, but a 5'11, thin 24 year old. Anywho, needless to say over the past few months since we hired her I started noticing those little things. Mind you we office out of our home, in which our 21 year old son, his fiancé and our 2 grandchildren live as well. There got to be times when I just couldn't handle people coming over all the time when the house was all chaotic, so asked hubby if he and the guys/girl could not always meet here. Here starts the "alone" lunches with just the 2 of them. Then they start riding together in our truck to go to job sites, or lunches together. She has her own car. Then playful texts start showing up on the phone. I get that she wants to learn this business (it's more of a guys business...roofing sales) but holy cow, she was always calling. Always coming over. And my husband would talk for hours with her in our office at the house. He loved her attitude about our business. Her passion, her drive. I wasn't so much like that yet. Mind you, I'm trying to help him when I can, but at the same time deal with a household. Started noticing that he paid more attention to her thoughts about the company and what we could do, then mine. Was more patient with her, then with me when it came to the business. Clothing habits started to change a bit. Really caring about his appearance more. Started taking the salesmen/girl out bowling/playing pool. I couldn't make it the first time. Second time I went, and husband stayed away with one of the guys playing pool all night while me, son, said girl and "new date" bowled. Did I forget to mention that she brings her 5 month old son along also and BREASTFEEDS in front of all of us (mind you she does cover up, but I found out from son that she did this the first time also around just all the guys...really)? I'm all for breast feeding, but take it to the restroom, not in front of my husband and son. Needless to say, we had already been fighting for a few months up to this point with me accusing him of liking her. Of which I really had no solid proof up to this point. But the week that we all went out together as a company, and he stayed away from me all night, made me wonder even more. I try to give him a kiss after we get done that night (yes, she was standing there) and he steps backwards. I was fuming. Confronted him the next morning with how I was feeling and asked him (several, several times) if he had a thing for her. Finally admitted to fantasizing about her. I was a little floored. But I asked for the truth. Never said I wouldn't get pissed. We fought like we haven't fought in years. I said to let her go. Back and forth on that one, but he said, she hasn't done anything, and it wouldn't be fair to do that. Thought about it, and he was right. As much as I hated it. One morning back in first part of November was making breakfast (saturday) and hubby said he had to run some errands & what time would it be done, said in about 45 minutes, said o.k., i'll be back by then. TWO hours later, still no sign/call from hubby. My mind is racing by now. So, I though I would call said girl. Made up line that I was trying to reach him but kept getting voicemail and if he was around her by any chance. Her response..."uh, nooo". Cool. Thanks. But I know what's about to come. Ah, there it is...only took 3 minutes for him to call me back. His first words "hi hon, I'm at said resteraunt, would you like me to bring you home something to eat. More argument/accusations ensue. He had informed me for months that I'm crazy. Of course, started to think so. Then I thought...computer history. It starts to fall in place. 

Oct 25. sites I found in his history....How to dress sexy,How to become sexy, How to have sex appeal, roofing jokes (keep in mind for later), ah, here it was, How to get a girl to flirt with you and How to girls to flirt with you in 16 steps.

Oct.26. He purchased over $300 of new clothes at Dillards.

Oct. 29. First company bowl/pool night. I couldn't make it. Ah, darn. See the pattern.

After about 2 weeks into November I finally confronted said girl. Came right out and ask her if she had a thing for my husband. She gave me that nervous laugh and said No. Told her from this day forward, there would be no lunches alone with my husband. She said she didn't get that, but would respect my wishes. Asked more questions but didn't give up to much, just in case there wasn't anything going on and I didn't want her to think she had a chance with my husband. Needless to say huband and I still fight over this. I confronted him with what I found in his history. I don't trust him. Do I think they've slept together. No. Do I think he fell for her emotionally, maybe even a little in love with her, yes I do. And that hurts just as much. Now up to today. Ran across a text he sent out to one of the guys. Roofing joke. Dirty one at that (not that I don't mind a good dirty joke now and then), but basically it boiled down to a blonde, a roofer. His going up and down the ladder and how she noticed his big feet (guys, you know this one). We aren't stupid. It's about penis size, and after looking at the text again I noticed it was sent out to said girl as well. Completely inappropriate. And the date of the joke sent...you guessed it...Oct. 25, the day he looked up all that other crap. Well it hit's the fan tonight. Because when he asks what's wrong and I tell him, he get's pissed as usual and says he's tired of all this crap and me constantly accusing him when he's done NOTHING WRONG. Everything I have pointed out to him thus far he says is just a "coincidence". Well, to many in my book. So he just yells out that yes, he wished he would have screwed her and that maybe he should have tried getting together with her and seeing what happened with it. Up till now, he has said how much he loves me, that he's had no feelings for her, hasn't slept with her, want's our marriage to work. Yes, I have been tracking his iPhone for the past 2 weeks and no, he hasn't been anywhere he shouldn't be. So will someone for the love of God please tell me what is going on. Because I've got mixed signals here. I love him. And don't want to keep pushing him away if crap like that is something MEN just do, or if maybe he was starting to fall for her. Which by the way, I did ask, and he says no. I guess my question is, am I acting crazy and need to let it go. Or is there more to it?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

One thing that my wife and I did right was give each other joint control over each other's social circle. If I found a guy I didn't like, I tell her, and she gets rid of him, if she found a girl I didn't like, she tells me to get rid of her so I do. We agreed on this years ago, and it seems to have prevented problems like this.

Your husband is being very selfish and insensitive about all this. He admitted to fantasing about this woman yet he seems to have done nothing to re-assure you at all. Or has he? What has he done to remedy this situation either then being defensive?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Off topic here, hell no you didnt say take it to the rest room for feeding baby. We dont eat in the bathroom so why should a baby.

As for the husband ... fire the girl, no contact, total transparency, time to nip that in the bud. He has to recommit to the marriage. Can you afford a PI to get more evidence? Voice activated recorder in his truck, keylogger on computer and phone spyware.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ... who do you blame here?

Your husband who runs the company and has a crush on a statuesque 24 year old.

Or the 24 year old that wants to keep her job, so if the boss says 'let's meet for lunch', she goes to lunch?

Change your tactic. Instead of making this girl your enemy, make her your ally.

Make it clear to her that you know that your husband has an enormous crush on her. And ask her if that makes her uncomfortable in performing her job. Tell your husband that you had that conversation with her as well.

Disarm it, rather than wondering if it is what you think it is.

I understand that you are angry, but do stop and think. Do you really believe this young girl has the hots for your husband? Or do you think she isn't kicking up a stink because she wants to remain employed?

If you choose to terminate her. Just make sure you have grounds. Because were I her, and I got canned because my boss had the hots for me and was 'harassing' me ... I'd be calling an attorney soon afterward.

You don't need that aggravation either.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

^ This.

Although most states allow employers to terminate employees for any reason, that doesn't mean that said employee won't come back with a sexual harassment suit.

Yes, he probably got infatuated with her. It's not right and you can't be sure that she returned his interests (apart from being agreeable just to keep her job).

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Edited to add... You guys work and live together in the same house. You to are probably sick of seeing each other so I'm guessing the 24-year old girl isn't the only problem in your marriage. If you have a strong marriage, this girl won't affect it. If you don't, one way to prevent problems is to fix the marriage.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

First, don't want your husband or son watching her feed her child then you all can take your food and go eat in the restroom yourselves.

As far as your hubby goes. You didn't over react at all.The problem is, you went barking up the wrong tree. You have mad it into a law suit if you force him to get rid of her. I am not saying she has done nothing wrong because I wasn't there but it appears that your husband has the hots for her. You need to deal with this though him, by going after her with no proof of her wrong doing you have already opened up your company for a harrassment suit.

If you wish to stay with him, lay down the law. Buy a few VAR's and get a key logger. Keep close tabs on him atleast until you feel you can trust him.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

That is completely on your husband... Have you guys become more roomatish? Couples that play together, stay together. Sounds like the oxytocin part of your relationship is in check (Where you feel comfortable and bound to one another) and the romantic love is all gone!

And don't worry about the folk here.. theyre so honest it hurts


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

kipani said:


> And don't worry about the folk here.. theyre so honest it hurts


love this statement.:smthumbup:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm with Deejo, I'm finding it hard to figure out what if anything this girl did wrong. Sounds more like you and your husband need to work this issue out. He's infatuated with her and from the sounds of it, she wants nothing to do with him personally.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

As this is your business and you own the company I would tread carefully around this issue. If your husband has been inappropriate with her then he is opening himself up to a sexual harassment suit.

If you indicate to her that he has a crush on her it may be fuel for the fire. If however you ask if she feels like he does then you have reason to talk to your husband about boundaries and sexual harassment at the work place. A lawyer may tell you this doesn't look good. I wonder if he is aware of just how much risk he is exposing the business to? 

When I owned a business I was very aware of how I spoke to female employees. No sexual innuendos or remarks about "how great the looked today" etc.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

jen - I know you are asking for men's opinions but please pay attention to what they are saying about the employer/employee relationship. If he is being inappropriate with her and she doesn't like it, you two will have an even bigger problem on your hands. What CanadianGuy said here: "If you indicate to her that he has a crush on her it may be fuel for the fire. If however you ask if she feels like he does then you have reason to talk to your husband about boundaries and sexual harassment at the work place. A lawyer may tell you this doesn't look good. I wonder if he is aware of just how much risk he is exposing the business to?" I think this is wise advice. Don't just confront her but be more sly about it, as CanadianGuy suggested. 

I understand how hurtful this must be for you and you two definitely need some MC. However don't expose yourselves to more issues (financial/legal) than you are already dealing with.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Don't accuse him. Just tell him it bothers you that she is getting so much of his attention. It partially that you are jealous (nothing wrong with that) and partially because if this girl takes it wrong it can put your joint business in legal trouble. 

Then mutually work on a plan to make the situation better for both of you. 

Is this girl good for your business? If she is, maybe you become her mentor. If not, maybe it's time for her to strike out on her own.


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