# Please help! I’m in need of some advice with my relationship.



## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Hi All,
I really need some quick advice on this; I’ve been seeing my partner now for 8 months now things have been going good and we see each other quite often (sometimes during the week but mainly spend time with each other on weekends) we have spoken about many elements of moving forward together like moving in together and also having a family this even goes as far as discussing children names which she came up with the idea of some names from her heritage (half Greek), our backgrounds are of different were she was privately educated and myself being in some of the better state schools which I felt might be an issue to her or her family as she earns a great amount more than me. We have progressed the relationship by going on some domestic vacations and now booking to go away in October this year also being introduced to family and friends, on many occasions she’s told me that she loves me and that I’m the best guy she’s been with by a clear mile! And also never planned to have kids with any of her past relationships apart from me and never even discussed things with them like how she has with me. with all this said we do have some indifferences which we debated on a few occasions such as medical values to having a vaccine for the current Covid virus which I’m currently not comfortable to take due to my medical conditions where she is a strong believer as her father was a well respected scientist. Just a couple nights ago we were due to go away for 3 nights but the night before she asked if we can talk, on arrival she told me that she’s not sure that the relationship was working out and that she feels like we have different values which would effect us in the long run and has a gut feeling of this. when I asked what these was I was told again that she was worried that I didn’t take my medical condition seriously and that also she is scared to have kids etc she then also mentioned this whole naming kids again and that she didn’t want to name them anything like we agreed on (wants to give kids English names where we agreed on Greek) which confused me a lot as these were all her ideas. She also said that as I don’t eat pork, bacon etc she felt that it wasn’t something that she wasnt comfortable with and didn’t want to feel that she had to stop eating this which was something that again she said at the beginning of the relationship that she wasn’t fussed about eating or continuing with. I told her all these things mentioned were all things that she had told me she was ok with given the fact it was all really her ideas and thoughts I told her that I was not happy with all this and confronted her a little before I decided to leave her place even though she said to me that she still loves me and that she doesn’t know what to do and feels like she regrets saying these things to me and said maybe she just needs time because these were on her mind for a while even though we only recently booked our tickets to go on vacation last week for October. It’s now been two days and I’ve not heard a single thing which tbh I thought I would of atleast got a text the night I left asking if I got home alright but so far nothing! She still has a profile pic of us on her WhatsApp but has been totally inactive on social media and I’m now getting worried for her well-being even with everything she said! Please help me!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Paragraphs are your FRIEND. This was very hard to read.

Why are you two SO fixated on kids????? It's like virtually every single thing you two talk about somehow involves how it will impact kids you don't even have and SHOULDN'T HAVE for the next few years.

You've been together 8 months for God's sakes. Why the hell are you two trying so hard to fast forward this relationship????

Sounds to me like this woman is simply shopping for a sperm donor/insta-daddy so she can start spitting a litter of kids out. She's having 2nd thoughts of YOU being the insta-daddy because you don't fit the perfect picture she has of the Stepford Daddy.

I can't even *BEGIN* to tell you how fast you need to start running. I honestly don't even think there's a word to describe how urgently you need to begin running and NOT look back.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Paragraphs are your FRIEND. This was very hard to read.
> 
> Why are you two SO fixated on kids????? It's like virtually every single thing you two talk about somehow involves how it will impact kids you don't even have and SHOULDN'T HAVE for the next few years.
> 
> ...





She'sStillGotIt said:


> Paragraphs are your FRIEND. This was very hard to read.
> 
> Why are you two SO fixated on kids????? It's like virtually every single thing you two talk about somehow involves how it will impact kids you don't even have and SHOULDN'T HAVE for the next few years.
> 
> ...


Hi I’m so sorry that this didn’t read well! I guess I’m just a bit stressed out and frustrated and it just all came out on here..

I don’t think we are totally fixated on kids but I guess it was a open topic to discuss which again would impact the future. 

She has told me she would like to have kids one day but not sure if when that would be but is just scared of the whole thought of it. Even if this is years down the line.

maybe I’m jot the perfect guy but does that really exist? Even though she has told me on so many occasions that I’m the best and that she’s so happy and lShe’s never spoke about having kids with anyone before so I’m actually the first from sounds of it and also from what we spoke that evening she’s not totally set on having kids wither that’s with me or not that’s another problem.

I think the bigger problem here is that she believes we have different values in life and that it can become a problem for us either with kids or not.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The dating period is a time to figure out if you are compatible or not. Some people are just not compatible, but _no one_ is going to be a 100% match. There are always going to be things that you need to compromise on, and it's up to you to decide what is most important to you. You need to figure out what you can compromise on, and what you cannot. Your GF needs to do the same, and you need to respect that. 

My wife and I had different opinions on the covid vaccine, but in the end we both did end up getting it. My wife will not let the kids get the vaccine though, but I think they should so that's still up for debate. My wife is not an anti-vaxxer but she wanted to do the regular vaccines on a delayed schedule, I didn't want to do that, so we reached a compromise of if there are issues, then we will delay. I was deadset on getting our son's circumcised and she absolutely would not do it and it was not up for discussion, I was open(ish) to learning about it and eventually agreed that it's barbaric to do. Getting our daughter's ears pierced... we both agreed right off the bat that, like any other body modification, they will decide to do that on their own when they are old enough to make the decision but we do disagree on what age is "old enough". You won't agree on everything. 

You do have to talk about those sorts of things, so it's good that you are. Yes, I agree with the above that it could be a bit early BUT there is no point staying together if you have very different parenting styles and beliefs. Parenting is hard enough, you don't want to be at battle with your partner over important decisions. 

If things come up that you disagree on, discuss them. Don't just throw your hands up, but you also need to really think about what is important to you and stick to that. You cannot tell her what she wants to hear, then take it back later. 

All that being said... You need to focus on more than kids. If things like medical decisions and diet are dealbreakers for her, then they are dealbreakers. You both have to decide what you can live with and you should discuss those things but you should not try to convince each other. 

As for her going off social media and being quiet for a few days, maybe she just needs time to think about what she really wants. She should have told you that, but everyone can improve their communication skills. 

All of the "I've never loved someone so much, I've never discussed this with anyone else, let's have babies!" could be true... Or it could be a mixture of attachment styles (anxious), lies to make you feel good, wishes, and being in the honeymoon phase. She may have thought more about it and, when thinking more logically, changed her mind on some things. Unfortunately, that could include you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if you're close enough to be picking out names for children you don't even have yet, then you should also be close enough to have a real conversation. What's up with you just waiting and wondering what she's up to and stalking her social media to see if she's posting? Are you a couple, or not? Because if you are, then pick up the damned phone or go see her to have an actual conversation. It's a bit unreal to me that you're monitoring her SM to see if she's broken up with you or not. You're supposedly in a relationship. Go ask her if you two are broken up, or if she wants to break up. Then you have reality to deal with, rather than whatever this current juvenile limbo is. 

Judging the state of your relationship based on whether or not her profile pic includes you just seems far too immature for an adult relationship. It's even more astounding if, as you say, you're actually worried about her wellbeing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rowan said:


> OP, if you're close enough to be picking out names for children you don't even have yet, then you should also be close enough to have a real conversation. What's up with you just waiting and wondering what she's up to and stalking her social media to see if she's posting? Are you a couple, or not? Because if you are, then pick up the damned phone or go see her to have an actual conversation. It's a bit unreal to me that you're monitoring her SM to see if she's broken up with you or not. You're supposedly in a relationship. Go ask her if you two are broken up, or if she wants to break up. Then you have reality to deal with, rather than whatever this current juvenile limbo is.
> 
> Judging the state of your relationship based on whether or not her profile pic includes you just seems far too immature for an adult relationship.


I missed that bit about stalking her social media and trying to figure out if her profile picture meant they were together or not... That is incredibly immature @Joe1983. How old are you? I seriously hope 1983 isn't your birth year...


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Your post was hard to read since it all ran together. But what I got from it is she doesn't want to be with you, but doesn't know how to tell you directly. So she's mentioning ways you are different in hopes you will catch what she really means...she wants to break up. The fact that you haven't heard from her in 2 days confirms this.

I know it hurts and sucks, but be glad you found this out before you wasting more time or you were married. And with the next girl you meet, take it slower.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Hi thanks for your response.

I totally agree we are not all perfect or compatible I’m sure she knows of this aswell too!

The problem here is that I feel like I’ve had to compromise on certain things like you said that are not as important as other elements but she has done very little to compromise which makes it more difficult.
I think like you said a full discussion needs to take place and to work on the indifferences we have and what compromises we can both make going forward if we have any future ahead of us.

I’m regards to the vaccine I’ve not had this because one I’m unsure if I want to take and two I currently have an illness that was advised not to take just of yet. We both believe different views that the purpose of the vaccine is for different reasons which she brings up quite a bit where I don’t and at times she can be aggy around this.

Having said that we have differences but we also have many other elements to this relationship that we agree very strongly with which is great! I think the main issue is when we disagree we are both strongly Opinionated and can be quite vocal about our views which isn’t the most pleasant.

again your last paragraph could be correct to say that it’s early and perhaps honeymoon period which we can all take with a pinch of salt but after having some heart to heart conversations I can believe that maybe she is telling the truth as she has also mentioned this to friends too again I could be so wrong…

I think like you said all in all an open discussion needs to take place soon as possible and to see what changes and compromises we can both make and to stick by them if we are going to stay together for the long run.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It is very strange that she changed her mind like that, so quickly. I think she is letting you go gently because she's met a "better match", so to speak, maybe at her level. See below. Sorry.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> I missed that bit about stalking her social media and trying to figure out if her profile picture meant they were together or not... That is incredibly immature @Joe1983. How old are you? I seriously hope 1983 isn't your birth year...


Hi Rowan,

it’s not that I’m stalking her at all and maybe I’ve written this wrongly, we usually communicate more via social media for some really odd reason, but given the fact I just had a conversation with her about things not working out and me confronting her about ideas she came to the table with that she newly withdrawn and blames me mad me quite upset and I just got up and left.

it’s not that I don’t want to speak to her many friends and other forums keep talking about not bothering to speak with your partner and to stand my ground etc etc so it’s just been very confusing I’m also genuinely worried about her because she lost her mum 8 years ago and sometimes gets emotional to me about it and always says to me she wants to be better than her mum and have a better life.

ive actually done my best in this relationship which has been so noticeable with her family and her friends (all telling me she’s so much more happy since being with me) to then go to this over some views and values which if I’m honest we both agreed on earlier in the relationship is a bit hard to just accept.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Joe1983 said:


> The problem here is that I feel like I’ve had to compromise on certain things like you said that are not as important as other elements but she has done very little to compromise which makes it more difficult.


So, is _this_ the type of person you want to have a relationship or marriage with? Someone who refuses to compromise and someone who nags you because they don't respect your boundaries? 

Think about that... She is showing you who she really is. No one is all good or all bad, but sometimes the bad is enough to outweigh the good.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe1983 said:


> she was privately educated


My philosophy in life is: stay away from privately educated people. They have no idea of the real world.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> So, is _this_ the type of person you want to have a relationship or marriage with? Someone who refuses to compromise and someone who nags you because they don't respect your boundaries?
> 
> Think about that... She is showing you who she really is. No one is all good or all bad, but sometimes the bad is enough to outweigh the good.


I totally understand where your coming from, what gets me is that all of the above elements were open for discussion and a few months after we met we are from the same heritage background also which made things easier for both of us to understand. We hadn’t needed to make much compromises previously because we agreed and still do on many other topics even the ones that are up for debate now which to be fair she came up with those ideas.

it’s just confusing why the hell will someone introduce you to all her friends and famo including her father who she looks up to with such respect and also ask me to stay over and perhaps rent my own pad out or talk to me about buying a larger home in the near future then to come to this!

I know she has a stubborn side which is never good in any relationship but she does have some wonderful values and we do get on far too well it’s just these topics which have made us debate and possibly feel that it’s not right. Like you’ve said and others too perhaps we need to come to a conclusion and meet up and decided what can be compromised from both sides and weight up the good with the bads.

also I think me earning a less than her perhaps she thinks she has an upper hand or is different class as she was also privately educated but saying this she’s also been with douches that didn’t even work for a living.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> My philosophy in life is: stay away from privately educated people. They have no idea of the real world.


you could be totally correct and it also has crossed my mind that common people done suit ones that come from the privately educated competitive societies - even though we both went to the same university


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well, you're 8 months in, and it sounds like you guys want to hit the fast forward button and skip a few essential steps in your relationship. Not a good idea! Take things 1 day at a time, and enjoy them. How old are you guys?

While it's good to talk about things like kids, values, moving in together, etc., do so to make sure you're on the same page, don't fixate on these things. You guys need to stop talking about having kids, and stupid things like what they'll be named. Kids may come eventually, and decide on their names at THAT time.

Good that you've taken some small vacations together; I feel like this is important to do because I feel like you don't really know someone until you travel with them.

Medical values are important, especially when you have kids. If one of you is anti-vax and the other is pro-vax, someone is going to really have to give to either vaccinate your children or not. It sounds like you're just wanting to be sure that the Covid vax is right for you though, given your medical conditions. This is something that you need to talk to your doctor about. My BF is the same way; he had a heart attack a few years ago, and is holding off on the vaccine until we all have more information on the future outcomes of taking it. I'm fully vaccinated. BF knows that travel is important to me though, and has stated that he will get vaccinated for us to travel together. It's a conversation worth having with both your doctor or medical team, and your GF.

Why in the world would she have to stop eating foods that she enjoys to be with you? Have you mentioned this to her in the past? Couples can get along and have different food preferences. Hell, they can be married and be the same way! This to me sounds like she's grasping at whatever straws she can get to get out of this relationship.

Have you tried contacting her since you last saw her?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Joe1983 said:


> you could be totally correct and it also has crossed my mind that common people done suit ones that come from the privately educated competitive societies - even though we both went to the same university


Don't tell me you went to Oxford...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You don’t want to hear this, but you should end the relationship, even though it will be extremely painful. Why? A woman that is truly in love with a man will pretty much be begging to get married. Once the conversation you had with her starts, it never gets better. The worst possible thing that could happen is you get married and she feels she settled and has no respect for you and then you divorce and it hurts far worse than now. Just move on. If you Do break up and move on fast, she might very well try to get you back (people always want what they think they can’t have) but don’t do it. She hasn’t texted you in two days? She’s done. But if you text her back, she’s going to run as fast as her legs will vary her. It’s hurtful, but my advice is to break up. For good.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Joe1983 said:


> maybe I’m jot the perfect guy but does that really exist? Even though she has told me on so many occasions that I’m the best and that she’s so happy and lShe’s never spoke about having kids with anyone before so I’m actually the first from sounds of it and also from what we spoke that evening she’s not totally set on having kids wither that’s with me or not that’s another problem.


@Joe1983 , remember, actions speak louder than wards!
Do you know how many breakups from spouses that said the same things to their partners!
Some of them even betrayed them!
Take this advice: if a woman tells you you're the best and acts like this, that means you are really not the best!
If you are the best, she will compromise many things for you, make exceptions for you, she will laugh at your jokes even is it's not funny, she will be in sports that you're in even if she has no interest in it!




Joe1983 said:


> The problem here is that I feel like I’ve had to compromise on certain things like you said that are not as important as other elements but she has done very little to compromise which makes it more difficult.


If she doesn't compromise like you then she is looking for a doormat who will agree to her on everything, are you willing to be that weak doormat? Do you know what happens to weak doormats in relationships?! Yes they get dumped, and in many cases they get cheated on horribly!



Joe1983 said:


> I know she has a stubborn side which is never good in any relationship but she does have some wonderful values and we do get on far too well it’s just these topics which have made us debate and possibly feel that it’s not right. Like you’ve said and others too perhaps we need to come to a conclusion and meet up and decided what can be compromised from both sides and weight up the good with the bads.


Would you agree that one serious bad trait can triumph all the wonderful values in a person?!
Think about this!


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

I would ask why are you so afraid of losing her? 

Its a short relationship, she's showing you she's moving on because she doesn't see it working and you appear to be wanting to fight to make it work

Why? you're not married right?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Joe1983 said:


> we usually communicate more via social media for some really odd reason,


This is really stupid. Talk on the phone or via text.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not a shrink or anything but I am seeing some signs of BPD here. The love-bombing, the rush to discuss kids and names, saying she's never done this before (I guarantee you she HAS) and then the sudden flip flop and radio silence -- all classic personality disorder signs. 

If you would really like a world of pain and torment, all you gotta do is keep trying to stay involved with this chick and she will deliver it on a silver platter.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It is very strange that she changed her mind like that, so quickly. I think she is letting you go gently because she's met a "better match", so to speak, maybe at her level. See below. Sorry.


yes I agree it is strange and odd considering that we have been together for a while. I doubt that there’s someone else but I do think she reckons she’s higher and above myself for anyone who hasn’t been to a private school or has a high fly top earning job which also makes me remember that she has mentioned that she feels a lot of pressure to do much better than her parents as they were private scientists earning great deals of money!


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Don't tell me you went to Oxford...


nope she went to goldsmiths in new cross in London 😂


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Joe1983 said:


> yes I agree it is strange and odd considering that we have been together for a while. I doubt that there’s someone else but I do think she reckons she’s higher and above myself for anyone who hasn’t been to a private school or has a high fly top earning job which also makes me remember that she has mentioned that she feels a lot of pressure to do much better than her parents as they were private scientists earning great deals of money!


I nearly married a woman like you describe and was in a similar situation. My ex was brilliant, a hard worker, had good values in many ways, was beautiful and a woman of some sophistication. She was a physician. She had a background of a famous physician mother and dad who was an educated man. He grandmother was. Physician
She made at least 3 times what I did. What ruined our relationship is she didn’t admire or respect me because I had only a bachelor’s degree and a low paying job. I can’t really blame her for that part. 

My point is that if you have a woman who cares about you deeply but doesn’t admire and respect you, take my advise and go ahead and move on, as painful as it is to do so. It just won’t work out. You’ll become her doormat, and she will eventually leave. The fairy take that love is enough is just that— a fairy tale.

very sorry,
I feel your pain.0


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joe1983 said:


> I’m unsure if I want to take and two I currently have an illness that was advised not to take just of yet.


So, your GF wants you to just take a vaccine going AGAINST your Dr's order? If you are ill, she STILL wants to try to force you to take the vaccine? Umm, doesn't that strike you as someone who is NOT interested in YOUR welfare, but rather winning a power struggle in your relationship?



Joe1983 said:


> talking about not bothering to speak with your partner and to stand my ground etc etc so it’s just been very confusing


So, you need to learn this now -- you MUST TALK (and listen) with your partner. You cannot solve problems by "waiting them out" or sending them a message on instagram or whatsapp. Just won't work.
Both of you need to sit down and talk things out now, or you may as well just break up.


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## Williejay1975 (Feb 24, 2021)

Joe1983 said:


> Please help me!!


The problem here is respect. You do not own her after marriage. You are not to control her after marriage. If she wants to eat pork then she can eat pork. As far as vaccination; you/she ought respect the other's health. You/her might not care about being vaccinated. But you two need to respect doing what can be done to not give each other the virus, so get vaccinated. It seems someone thinks they are to have power over the other. Both are to submit and respect one another to do what is right. If you leave any of that out then there will be problems. God is the head not you/her. God knows what is right all the time and goes to the person the right way all the time and ... not you nor her. Obey what is right, let that be the governor of your marriage and life.

If taking the vaccine is against your Dr.'s orders then do not take it and she will have to understand that; pray to get over the virus if one of you get it due to not taking the vaccine; Sorry for missing that detail the first time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s gone, op bet she hasn’t texted. WhAt you need is help getting past the relationship, because you need to accept that she broke up with you and it’s over. It happens all the time. It hurts. You’ll make it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's noticed your differences, and they are not minor ones. I just don't think it will work out. You know, the food thing is no small thing since it gets right in your face three times a day every day you're together. The vaccine thing is certainly serious. Certainly if she's from a scientific family, she's not going to respect many of your choices.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's noticed your differences, and they are not minor ones. I just don't think it will work out. You know, the food thing is no small thing since it gets right in your face three times a day every day you're together. The vaccine thing is certainly serious. Certainly if she's from a scientific family, she's not going to respect many of your choices.


Hi I totally get what your saying, for me it wasn’t that the food thing was like a major trophy winner and to be honest she was more about not having it than myself I did say that it’s ok to have it as long as I’m not around or to have inside the house in future etc which eliminates that I don’t know how to compromise. The vaccine and medical stuff currently I’m under investigation for health reasons but she seems to think that I’m so against something just because I say I’m not sure about it. An update shes told me that she misses me but wants a week break to see how we both feel. She had already asked me how my hospital appointments went but haven’t heard from her since Sunday.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> She’s gone, op bet she hasn’t texted. WhAt you need is help getting past the relationship, because you need to accept that she broke up with you and it’s over. It happens all the time. It hurts. You’ll make it.


hi maybe it is maybe it isn’t we did text on Friday where she told me she still loves and misses me I made some really good points about solving these niggling feelings which we have both agreed to have a little break for a week and see how we feel. We spoke again on Sunday as I had some hospital appointments but havent spoken since late evening that day. I’m not holding my breath I am just trying my best to do me for now and take it as it comes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Joe1983 said:


> Hi I totally get what your saying, for me it wasn’t that the food thing was like a major trophy winner and to be honest she was more about not having it than myself I did say that it’s ok to have it as long as I’m not around or to have inside the house in future etc which eliminates that I don’t know how to compromise. The vaccine and medical stuff currently I’m under investigation for health reasons but she seems to think that I’m so against something just because I say I’m not sure about it. An update shes told me that she misses me but wants a week break to see how we both feel. She had already asked me how my hospital appointments went but haven’t heard from her since Sunday.


Telling someone they cannot have the kind of food you disapprove of when you're around is nothing akin to compromising. That's really extreme.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Telling someone they cannot have the kind of food you disapprove of when you're around is nothing akin to compromising. That's really extreme.


hi I didn’t even say this all I said at the beginning of the relationship-was that I rather not date someone who did she answered by saying that she hardly has it so it wasn’t a biggie and now all this has happened.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There is a really good chance you are being played. These things are all of a sudden a problem because her new squeeze is more x,y, or z. Sir, check and see who she is dating during the week “break”.
Anytime someone asks for a break, they are almost assuredly year driving their new person.
Monkey branching. She’s using the week to see if the branch is gonna hold her weight.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> There is a really good chance you are being played. These things are all of a sudden a problem because her new squeeze is more x,y, or z. Sir, check and see who she is dating during the week “break”.
> Anytime someone asks for a break, they are almost assuredly year driving their new person.
> Monkey branching. She’s using the week to see if the branch is gonna hold her weight.


to be honest this had crossed my mind but I guess unless I’m sad enough to start stalking her then I will never really find out. At the end of the day what will be will be… I think it’s hard to think this also as she didn’t have to agree to a break at all we could of just left it and went separate ways. I guess only go will know this one not seen anything on her phone pop up so I have no idea unless she’s got a history of guys who she may like who can come over in need.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drive by her place about 10 and see who’s in the driveway....


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Hmm. Marrying a woman who earns a lot more than you has its pluses and minuses.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. Marrying a woman who earns a lot more than you has its pluses and minuses.


bud 10-15k isn’t a heap much more im
A civil servant I don’t have travel expenses on top of that when you look at the bigger package. Some ppl make it a problem I guess but I wouldn’t I think I can say I’m proud that she has done well in life so far.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. Marrying a woman who earns a lot more than you has its pluses and minuses.


but again I can see that it can have positives and negatives


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Drive by her place about 10 and see who’s in the driveway....


dude if I did that I risk getting caught and then looking like a total jerk I mean if I really have a feeling like that I may just pass by but if not I have the best part of 3-4 days before we know


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Joe1983 what age are you and your girlfriend?
How much more than you does she earn?


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> @Joe1983 what age are you and your girlfriend?
> How much more than you does she earn?


hi Andy I’m 36 and she is 33 I’m currently on 36k and she’s on 52k I also have free travel and also many other benefits such as child care etc and also the best pension scheme that’s not available anymore. Yes she can most likely go higher as she works in a private company and mine will be more of a gradual as I work in a government position.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> @Joe1983 what age are you and your girlfriend?
> How much more than you does she earn?


oh she is also paying student loan till the age of 50 where I’m loan free completely!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. Marrying a woman who earns a lot more than you has its pluses and minuses.


In my opinion this is an example of double standards. 
If the male in a relationship earns more than the female it rarely seems to be an issue. 
However if the woman earns more it often seems to breed resentment and then a lack of respect. And this resentment may come from the man. 
I know there are examples which disprove this opinion but experience has shown me that eventually a marriage/long term relationship in which the woman is the breadwinner will have problems.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> In my opinion this is an example of double standards.
> If the male in a relationship earns more than the female it rarely seems to be an issue.
> However if the woman earns more it often seems to breed resentment and then a lack of respect. And this resentment may come from the man.
> I know there are examples which disprove this opinion but experience has shown me that eventually a marriage/long term relationship in which the woman is the breadwinner will have problems.


you could be totally correct in saying this what gets me is that yes she has a great job working in PR I know she’s worked her socks off I’ve also been in my post 17 years and yes it’s been hard being in a government job but when I looked at the balance of this she isn’t much well off infact I think we worked it out to be around 300pm extra if even that. 
my place I own with no help and hers was a inheritance otherwise she wouldn’t be where she is now. I just feel like perhaps your right and maybe she needs to be more humble in her approach which in 8 months I never saw as a problem, We could be all speculating but I didn’t think she was the type although it could lead to problems or understanding in the future.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> In my opinion this is an example of double standards.
> If the male in a relationship earns more than the female it rarely seems to be an issue.
> However if the woman earns more it often seems to breed resentment and then a lack of respect. And this resentment may come from the man.
> I know there are examples which disprove this opinion but experience has shown me that eventually a marriage/long term relationship in which the woman is the breadwinner will have problems.


I know you mentioned it may not be this and again loads of great examples these days of women who earn more than a man without problems but I know their could be issues around this. I remember she was also reading feminist books.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

How old is she?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Joe1983 said:


> dude if I did that I risk getting caught and then looking like a total jerk I mean if I really have a feeling like that I may just pass by but if not I have the best part of 3-4 days before we know


You are not risking “getting caught”. She is.
If you are this afraid for the relationship to end or to puss her off, there’s no chance for you anyway. Just being straightforward. People sense weakness, and women sense it a mile away. 
If you’re worried about her leaving....... stop worrying and just let her go. That’d be the best chance of things going better. If she’s got one foot out the door— push her on out.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Joe1983 said:


> hi Andy I’m 36 and she is 33 I’m currently on 36k and she’s on 52k I also have free travel and also many other benefits such as child care etc and also the best pension scheme that’s not available anymore. Yes she can most likely go higher as she works in a private company and mine will be more of a gradual as I work in a government position.


To be honest I thought you meant that she was earning a large salary. 
With everything you have written here I’d say you both have similar disposable income each month
so you can probably take the salary differential out of the equation which leaves you no further on unfortunately. 

When it comes to “breaks” there’s generally two reasons. 
She’s road testing another guy but still wants you as plan B in case he doesn’t work out.
She wants a permanent break and is easing you into it. 
There is also a third reason which isn’t mentioned much. She’s messing with your head and wants you to let her have her own way in everything if she takes you back. 
I think this “break” is going to become permanent and I think it’s you who should make this decision.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> How old is she?


Hi she is 33 and I am 36


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Joe1983 said:


> I know you mentioned it may not be this and again loads of great examples these days of women who earn more than a man without problems but I know their could be issues around this*. I remember she was also reading feminist books.*


Dude, just freaking RUN.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Dude, just freaking RUN.


🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️ I think it’s too late to be running bud if it’s meant to be it will be I’ll be pretty pissed but it won’t change a thing


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are not risking “getting caught”. She is.
> If you are this afraid for the relationship to end or to puss her off, there’s no chance for you anyway. Just being straightforward. People sense weakness, and women sense it a mile away.
> If you’re worried about her leaving....... stop worrying and just let her go. That’d be the best chance of things going better. If she’s got one foot out the door— push her on out.


ok maybe I’ll give it a go tomorrow evening but then what happens if all is well? And I don’t spot anything unusual - also I forgot to mention I still have the set of house keys for her place which she gave to me so maybe she understands it won’t be a good idea to do this but here’s to say she’s not speaking to anyone currently I guess we have broken up and she’s going to use that either way


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> To be honest I thought you meant that she was earning a large salary.
> With everything you have written here I’d say you both have similar disposable income each month
> so you can probably take the salary differential out of the equation which leaves you no further on unfortunately.
> 
> ...


hi Andy no she’s not even though she’s doing great and I’m sure she knows that there’s more progression for promotions whereas where I am it’s not that simple but I still feel like I ha e the upper hand with things like sickness where I get 6 months full pay and a further 6 months on 75% she only gets a month! Lots of other things to account for too!
I believe that these are all possibilities which I’ll never know the third is also a big one as yes I think she would like a lot of things made her end some I can agree to and some I think we need to share the thoughts it can’t be all one sided I don’t think she would ever have everything her way unless she meets a doormat type of guy or maybe she thought I was that! 
your probably right unless a we actually can discuss snd work things out on how to achieve these issues but ultimately I won’t let her dictate the end of this relationship even though we agreed not to speak until Saturday I’ll just have to wait and see by then.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Don’t let anyone put you in limbo. You need to take back control of your life and be proactive about what what you want and will tolerate. Make this a permanent break and just go ghost. There will be other women.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

YouTube: coach Greg Adams.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Joe1983 said:


> I felt might be an issue to her or her family as she earns a great amount more than me.


Hardly any women ever marry down, and those that do are quickly dissatisfied.
Move on, she doesn't want you for more than a bit of fun.
Not active on social media? = not active on the account she created just for you.

Put the house keys through her letter box without calling in.
Or post them to her with a little note, "Thanks it was great"


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Hardly any women ever marry down, and those that do are quickly dissatisfied.
> Move on, she doesn't want you for more than a bit of fun.
> Not active on social media? = not active on the account she created just for you.


@ElwoodPDowd is correct!
@Joe1983, I know she doesn't make much more than you, but in the private sector she can get promotions and higher salary faster than most government jobs, I have seen a podcast where they were talking about why over %70 of divorces were initiated by women in the west, and the top number one reason was because women were earning more than their husbands so they start resenting them, and lose attraction, and later initiate divorce.
If a wife doesn't see her husband as the main provider it will play a number on her.
There are exceptions , but they are not the rule!
And the biggest problem in us humans is that we always like to cling to the exceptions to give us sense of hope, and that we can do it or make it, but it rarely works!


Joe1983 said:


> I remember she was also reading feminist books.


Tread carefully!


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Ursula said:


> Well, you're 8 months in, and it sounds like you guys want to hit the fast forward button and skip a few essential steps in your relationship. Not a good idea! Take things 1 day at a time, and enjoy them. How old are you guys?
> 
> While it's good to talk about things like kids, values, moving in together, etc., do so to make sure you're on the same page, don't fixate on these things. You guys need to stop talking about having kids, and stupid things like what they'll be named. Kids may come eventually, and decide on their names at THAT time.
> 
> ...



Hi as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.

”Hey,
Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You don’t want to hear this, but you should end the relationship, even though it will be extremely painful. Why? A woman that is truly in love with a man will pretty much be begging to get married. Once the conversation you had with her starts, it never gets better. The worst possible thing that could happen is you get married and she feels she settled and has no respect for you and then you divorce and it hurts far worse than now. Just move on. If you Do break up and move on fast, she might very well try to get you back (people always want what they think they can’t have) but don’t do it. She hasn’t texted you in two days? She’s done. But if you text her back, she’s going to run as fast as her legs will vary her. It’s hurtful, but my advice is to break up. For good.


Hi as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.

”Hey,
Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> So, is _this_ the type of person you want to have a relationship or marriage with? Someone who refuses to compromise and someone who nags you because they don't respect your boundaries?
> 
> Think about that... She is showing you who she really is. No one is all good or all bad, but sometimes the bad is enough to outweigh the good.



Hi as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.

”Hey,
Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> In my opinion this is an example of double standards.
> If the male in a relationship earns more than the female it rarely seems to be an issue.
> However if the woman earns more it often seems to breed resentment and then a lack of respect. And this resentment may come from the man.
> I know there are examples which disprove this opinion but experience has shown me that eventually a marriage/long term relationship in which the woman is the breadwinner will have problems.



Hi Andy as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.

”Hey,
Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

Williejay1975 said:


> The problem here is respect. You do not own her after marriage. You are not to control her after marriage. If she wants to eat pork then she can eat pork. As far as vaccination; you/she ought respect the other's health. You/her might not care about being vaccinated. But you two need to respect doing what can be done to not give each other the virus, so get vaccinated. It seems someone thinks they are to have power over the other. Both are to submit and respect one another to do what is right. If you leave any of that out then there will be problems. God is the head not you/her. God knows what is right all the time and goes to the person the right way all the time and ... not you nor her. Obey what is right, let that be the governor of your marriage and life.
> 
> If taking the vaccine is against your Dr.'s orders then do not take it and she will have to understand that; pray to get over the virus if one of you get it due to not taking the vaccine; Sorry for missing that detail the first time.



Hi as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.

”Hey,
Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> The dating period is a time to figure out if you are compatible or not. Some people are just not compatible, but _no one_ is going to be a 100% match. There are always going to be things that you need to compromise on, and it's up to you to decide what is most important to you. You need to figure out what you can compromise on, and what you cannot. Your GF needs to do the same, and you need to respect that.
> 
> My wife and I had different opinions on the covid vaccine, but in the end we both did end up getting it. My wife will not let the kids get the vaccine though, but I think they should so that's still up for debate. My wife is not an anti-vaxxer but she wanted to do the regular vaccines on a delayed schedule, I didn't want to do that, so we reached a compromise of if there are issues, then we will delay. I was deadset on getting our son's circumcised and she absolutely would not do it and it was not up for discussion, I was open(ish) to learning about it and eventually agreed that it's barbaric to do. Getting our daughter's ears pierced... we both agreed right off the bat that, like any other body modification, they will decide to do that on their own when they are old enough to make the decision but we do disagree on what age is "old enough". You won't agree on everything.
> 
> ...



Hi as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.

”Hey,
Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Joe1983 said:


> Hi as you know today has been a week and I got a message from her which I never expected to get even that I felt that perhaps we would atleast speak about this. But now this seems to be different to what we originally discussed and I’m seriously struggling - I was sent the below today which if I’m honest I don’t know if it’s shallow of me but I’m not sure if I totally believe it.
> 
> ”Hey,
> Hope you’re week has been ok. I’ve had time to reflect and really think it’s best we do call it a day. This is no reflection on you, I’m not in the headspace at the moment. I’ve actually started therapy and need some space to be on my own and work through things.
> I know you need to come and get your things - or I can meet you. Let me know what works? I’m really sorry to have hurt you.”


You don't need to quote everyone and post the same thing... Post it _once_ and people will read it. Post it 50 times and you'll just annoying people.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Regardless, she is telling you how she feels. Believe her. You need to accept it and start moving on.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> Regardless, she is telling you how she feels. Believe her. You need to accept it and start moving on.


ok and yes I understand that but let’s be real for a second here… if that were you or me, wouldn’t you want your partner you loved to be supportive and to understand your going through a bad period? I’ve got friends who are currently in therapy and all their partners support them instead of running away!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Joe1983 said:


> ok and yes I understand that but let’s be real for a second here… if that were you or me, wouldn’t you want your partner you loved to be supportive and to understand your going through a bad period? I’ve got friends who are currently in therapy and all their partners support them instead of running away!


It really doesn't matter what your friends do. We are all individuals and this is what she needs right now. My wife has been in therapy for years. In some ways, she would be better off alone because 100% of her focus would be on her. Right now it's a mix of her issues, and our issues. 

And even if she's lying and using this as an out, so what? Either way she doesn't want to be with you anymore.


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## Joe1983 (Aug 19, 2021)

bobert said:


> It really doesn't matter what your friends do. We are all individuals and this is what she needs right now. My wife has been in therapy for years. In some ways, she would be better off alone because 100% of her focus would be on her. Right now it's a mix of her issues, and our issues.
> 
> And even if she's lying and using this as an out, so what? Either way she doesn't want to be with you anymore.


yes I totally understand that everyone is each to their own and yes if they were on their own the sole focus would be about them. My point here is if this is the case why didn’t she mention anything previously and instead say the things you already know about and end the relationship. If someone doesn’t want to be with someone isn’t it better to just say rather than say it’s because if indifferences or now they later part that she’s in therapy? Again if she’s in therapy I’m sure I would of understood she needs space to do her thing and focus on herself instead of just cutting ties with someone she says she loves dearly!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Joe1983 said:


> ok and yes I understand that but let’s be real for a second here… if that were you or me, wouldn’t you want your partner you loved to be supportive and to understand your going through a bad period? I’ve got friends who are currently in therapy and all their partners support them instead of running away!


Yep.

And this is where your problem is occurring. You know what should happen, yet it isn't. It is leading you to only see what you wish it would be, rather than what it is. 

She is gone, brother. She isn't who you thought she was. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm chiming in as a woman here. I read her message to you. Dude, she is DONE. No need to stick a fork in it. D-O-N-E. Sorry it played out this way. Time to move on. Therapy or not, she's not coming back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People change their mind about relationships all the time. Should she have told you upfront? Yes, but she didn’t so now you’ve been caught off guard and are understandably upset. Nothing you can do except take it as a lesson learned and move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your over-analysis of the situation will get you nowhere. She’s gone. Why or how is unimportant. Grieve your loss. Go on with your life. It feels terrible, but if this is the first time you’ve ever been dumped, I have great news! You are not the only guy to have been dumped. It happens. She was not the one. Now you can go find the one that IS. Don’t think of it as the end if something but the next step to being with the one that’s right for you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joe1983 said:


> yes I totally understand that everyone is each to their own and yes if they were on their own the sole focus would be about them. My point here is if this is the case why didn’t she mention anything previously and instead say the things you already know about and end the relationship. If someone doesn’t want to be with someone isn’t it better to just say rather than say it’s because if indifferences or now they later part that she’s in therapy? Again if she’s in therapy I’m sure I would of understood she needs space to do her thing and focus on herself instead of just cutting ties with someone she says she loves dearly!


Yes, an ADULT would have discussed with you, sat down, talked things out, and then you both would understand the relationship can't move forward, and you would part.

SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU VIA TEXT!!!!! What does that tell you about her? She is immature. You need to find an adult to have a relationship with, not a pouty stamp-her-feet child.

YOUR job now is to accept it, stop contacting her, and find a way for YOU to move on in your life.


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