# Is it disrespect or she's not taking me seriously...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A thread on the sex section reminded me of my own little dilemma involving the missus' high sex drive. I've tried for years to enforce boundaries in terms of the quantity of our sessions, so far she has only respected my boundaries when it comes to her rather scary fantasies.

It's true that I'm not as strict as I could be when it comes to the quantity of sex, compared to my rules in regards to no cuffs/no restraints, no doing me up my butt, no torturing me, etc etc. 

She has all the support in the world as well, and that I should feel "lucky". And it's also worst when the fact is I have let myself go and did her 3x or more a day from time to time - it probably made her question my sincerity in terms of this boundary.

In fact, looking back perhaps she may think that I'm actually trying to push her away, instead of actually being serious in regards to my limits in terms of sex. In other words, she may be thinking...

"If he can do it 3x a day when we're on holidays, why can't he do it everyday when we're going through our daily lives? He must be pushing me away."

Right now she desires sex 1x a day and if I miss a session I have to make it up to her. I don't like such rules and commitments, it makes it feel like a chore but hell I'm "faking it till I make it". Still, have I dug myself a hole that I just can't climb out?

Boundaries have to be enforced lest they get ignored but in this case I don't know what to do =/

Is my theory plausible, is that what she's thinking/feeling?


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Why do you "have" to make it up to her? I get that her drive is much higher than yours, but sex isn't a chore. It's an act of enjoyment/love that you do with someone because you WANT to, not because you HAVE to. I would much rather my husband tell me no rather than him feel like he must do it or else. 

It sounds like she's being a little unreasonable in her demands. My hubby is very high drive as well and would love to have sex 3 times a day, but we just do not have time for that, unless it's going to be a quickie 2 out of 3 of those times. Instead he understands that my drive is much lower and we have sex 5-6 times a weeks. I would be very upset if he demanded it of me and I had to make it up to him because I missed a time. 

I just don't get people and the way they are about sex. Yes, it is absolutely necessary for a close marriage and for the marriage to last, intimacy is very important, but it shouldn't drive your entire marriage. Just my opinion.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's our little compromise after our last little discussion which was actually quite good, we haven't been fighting so far and we are enjoying our xmas, we're going out to celebrate tonight as well. I'm just not happy now with our little arrangement, not going to tell her that until after the holidays, but it is in my mind, and I'm planning how to approach it - need as many cards that I can bring to play when it happens though, and need to do it in a way that won't p-ss her off again.

Our arrangement does allow me to say no, but as a compromise I have to make up if we miss a session. It was a good idea at the time for both of us to be happier, but to be honest after trying it out I'm feeling used again, and we have been having sex even if I'm not in the mood because I simply don't want to owe her crap the next day.

The issue now is to think of a way that makes her realise that I am quite serious about the sex issue, but my question is; is my past of spoiling her making her feel that when I do say no - she thinks I'm pushing her away?


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

So outside of sex your marriage has improved? If you're working to meet all of her needs why can't she work to meet yours? I don't think it's right to basically force someone to have sex with you because you're too insecure to take a little rejection. If everything else in your marriage is good, why would you saying no be a rejection? It sounds like she's insecure if you want my opinion. Otherwise, yes, rejection hurts if it's constant, but an occasional no is something that an adult should be able to handle. If you were telling her no all the time and not meeting her needs then yes, she'd have every right to be upset, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here. 

I think it's great that you two have reached a compromise, but like you said it's time to reconsider since it's not making you happy. Marriage is about both partners needs being met, not just your wife's.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... sex is one of her needs, and she probably feels that she's being nice by reducing the sex frequency to a third of what she really wants. As for rejecting her, well I have been guilty of it, but I don't know, am I really guilty? Before work I had to perform, after lunch I had to meet up with her and perform, even perform with my words with her over the phone playing with herself, and at night I had to perform, sometimes after dinner. Yes I've said no to her, and I've hurt her.

Outside of sex I've also been an a$$hole and neglecting her. Also, another reason I also don't want to spoil the peace now is that she has regained a lot of confidence and backbone since our last few discussions. To be honest I've made the mistake of putting her down from time to time trying to harden her up but it was obviously way out of balance as she needs reassurance too to be confident and strong rather then weak and insecure with herself.

Still, the sex issue is a freakin constant. It's good in a way that she won't feel bad everytime I say no now (in fact I think she's actually waiting for it so if I miss 2 sessions she can demand it 3x the next day like what she had a year ago - and I'm not letting that happen).


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I gave up tryng with my wife. We went three years with ZERO sex. She didn't say a word.

Your problem is on another planet than most of us.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It's never too late to set and enforce boundaries and rules. 

She'll resist at first, but come to respect you later, is my guess. Will it feel like rejection? Yes, that is why the rest of your relationship needs to be strong.

Sometimes women use sex as a means of reinforcing the relationship, which is what I think she's trying to do. It's so hard to tell with you guys... But you definitely seem like two peas in a pod - dysfunction and all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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