# Need Your Expertise



## Kristina and Raf (Apr 21, 2014)

My husband & I are starting a project revolving around marriage, specifically how we can add value to couples by helping them understand that marriage starts with you and that communication is only a piece of the pie. We are looking to help couples find that harmonious balance and deal with life, as it is constantly changing. Of course, a big part of this is how to deal with money.

_But we need some advice, especially from all of you here on the board. Below is a piece we have written about our experience with money but would like to know what we could do to make this piece better.

What do you think? If it were you, how can we improve our current piece?_

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*Why We Decided To Combine Bank Accounts…
…Before We Got Married*

By-
Kristina and Raf

_A Husband’s Candid Point of View_
"Whoa! You guys have a joint account and you're not even married?" The sarcastic, eye-rolling response was common when people asked us about our finances. People thought we were wrong, while we always thought, “What was wrong with all of them?”
People thought we were crazy. And at times, we did so too. But what seemed like such a no-brainer decision at the time didn't truly make sense until years after we decided that Washington Mutual was a better fit for us than Wells Fargo.
Looking back at it, why did I do such a thing? I was young, irresponsible and arguably dumb. I wanted to spend money on shoes (yes I am a man who loves his shoes), concerts, DVDs and food. Simple things any 20-something would want to spend his money on. But I decided to make a gigantic leap to join my account, my own money, with my future-wife.
I thought then that it was the "next" step in our relationship and just seem logical to do so. We would pay our shared bills together and the struggle of who would pay for dinner was basically null, simple and less stressful
Was it all roses and green pastures after that? Far from it. I had to get clearance to buy the newest Chappelle show season because it was our money now. There were times when I would second-guess my decision. Did I make the correct decision? What if she took all my money (or lack thereof) and blow it on a new hairdo and pedicure? I had tons of questions running through my head when I didn’t get what I wanted.
Then I realized something. It was what I wanted. And now that we share the account its what WE want.
Seems so simple in theory but was is far from it. We still have quarrels about money issues, as does any couple.
I realized a few years before we got married that the real reason I did the unthinkable was because it was my way of admitting there is a bigger picture than both of us. I was telling Kristina that this isn't about me, nor is it about you, it is about us. Even though I was young and immature, my money was the only thing I had that was solely my own. And giving that up was my way of telling Kristina that I trust you. Even though I was broke then, it was a big move.
Is joining financial accounts for everyone? Probably not. I didn't understand it then but we do now. We learned how each of us view money. I think money as more of a tool, where Kristina thinks it more as a safety net. Did we know that before? Of course not. We grew into understanding it. We fought over me spending a few hundred bucks on shoes. Or we fought over getting overdraft fees because "you" didn't transfer money into the account quick enough. Fights seem to always be the trend when people don't see eye-to-eye with money. But we learned. It took a lot of growing pains, but we learned.
And joint accounts make everything easier. Please read the rest before you hit the back button, but really it is. It's easier to pay bills. It's easier to have one person manage the bank accounts. It's easier to know that we are after the same end-goal. Whatever that goal may be, high-rise condo, that super-snazzy stroller or that fancy Tesla model S, you both share in that goal. When we are both on the same page with finances, I know I have an accountability partner when I stray away from my goals. We have learned that two separate bank accounts is way harder to manage than one. It just works for us.
This was not an overnight success. We’ve been together for a total of 10 years (5 years married) and we had to learn the hard way about finances. Could it have gone a lot smoother? Truthfully, no. Money is arguably the most taboo subject to date. Ask a couple about their money and they either cringe with fear or will never be your friend again. Talking to your spouse about your finances is tough, but it is worth it.

_A Wife’s Candid Point of View_
Why did I agree to take the leap and "join our accounts" before we even thought about marriage? Easy. Why not?
At the time, we both had minimum wage paying jobs. Although part of the reason for me to join our accounts was because it felt like the "natural next step," that was just a surface reason. I've always been taken care of when it came to budgeting money. Up until the age of 18, although I had been in the workforce for many years, my mother always handled my bank accounts. Even after the age of 18, my account was still linked to her, despite my change in spending habits.
I was also very naive when it came to money. My parents never spoke to me about it. It was simply there to earn, there for us to live off of, and there fore us to save so “we (my brother and I) never had to go through what my parents did.” I knew nothing about investments, how much health care really was, or even how important your credit score is.
In a way, I was spoiled. Not in the sense that my parents bought me many extravagant gifts. But because I never had to deal with the problem that was money. I viewed money as something that was earned through hard work, but never something I thought twice about when swiping my credit card. I could always pay that card off and if I was ever in a bind, my parents would help me out. But of course, I would never let myself get to that point.
So when the "love of my life" and I began discussing money, it was a no-brainer decision for me. Not only had I viewed money in a casual way, I had nothing to lose. But all to win. Yes, you can say it was a sense of security for me to join bank accounts with my significant other. And I see the dangers now in doing so. But I trusted this decision 100% because I trusted him 100%.
Now has this been easier ever since? Hardly. Money is the one thing we fought about the most and still argue about constantly today. And probably more than any other part of our relationship. Money is probably the most complicated topic for us to discuss simply because we are on opposite ends of the spectrum with it. Rafael & I view money completely different. He uses (invests) money as a tool to make more money. I save. He constantly buys things. I don't, but when I do, they are rather large purchases. Rafael isn't afraid of debt. I am. However, we’ve always been in agreement that our relationship comes first. And because of this, we’ve been rather proactive when it comes to our relationship. Part of this meant that we took premarital counseling which was purely voluntary. Part of this counseling involved talking about money and understanding not only our own money personality but also our future spouse’s.
Money is also the most taboo topic most couples have a hard time communicating with each other. Or at least in our case. It’s easy to talk about wanting to marry your boyfriend or girlfriend, plans for a future family, plans for children, your promotion at work or struggles on the job, or even how much/how little sex you are having. Those topics you can discuss and even ask advice from family and friends. You can joke about them or have all-night-long conversations because those are “normal problems.” But money? You have to have that together. And if not, you Google the issue or keep it to yourself. So you can imagine how vicious the cycle gets if you can’t communicate with your spouse about money. Something that I’m glad that I’ve never had an issue with. Sure there have been arguments that I would like to forget. But we’ve never, as a couple, shut down the money communication simply because we have always understood how important money is within our relationship.
Now that we essentially "have money" you can imagine the hours-on-end discussions we have about how we're going to use it. And you can imagine the intense arguments we have because we're just so different when it comes to it. However, joining bank accounts so early on in our relationship opened the lines of communication for both of us and has taught us valuable lessons that we probably would have never learned about elsewhere.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

Kristina and Raf said:


> My husband & I are starting a project revolving around marriage, specifically how we can add value to couples ...


It would help if you stated concisely what the project is. Are you writing a book? Starting a web page? This is one issue in a series you are hoping to do? 

Legally speaking, money is a community asset in marriage so it is kind of superfluous how many accounts you have. You have the same quantity of money to manage, regardless.


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## Kristina and Raf (Apr 21, 2014)

Appreciate your feedback, Happyfamily. We are planning on both an eBook AND a website. Money/finances is just one issue we hope to share our story and use to help other couples.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

I think you recommend a joint account in order to have the couple make negotiated decisions about spending. Before marriage, even. 

My uneducated guess is that this is probably something that happens after people move in together. Was that true for you guys?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

The piece speaks to how you two feel joining accounts at a young age prior to marriage has helped you establish a line of communication about money. 

In the husband and wife's POV both say you still argue about money. Although you have identified that you both have different ideas about money. You set goals about things you want if your ideas about money are so different how do you agree on a goal? Are there tools you use?

How does that help the reader to improve their marriage? In what way do they take that information and apply it to their marriage to make it more successful? 

You both say it has helped you to learn to communicate about money even thou you disagree and argue. How do you resolve these issues? How do you make mutually beneficial compromises? As a reader that's what I want to learn. 

The piece is written more as an experience without highlighting the lessons you learned and how you apply what you have learned to make your marriage successful.


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## Kristina and Raf (Apr 21, 2014)

Appreciate your feedback, coffee4me. And Thanks again for your input, Happyfamily.

Looking back at the piece, you both are right. Although we touched heavily on our experience, there is very little on what we learned/how we learned it, which, to be honest, was supposed to be the very essence of the piece. Back to the editing chair...


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## TiredFamilyGuy (Jan 18, 2014)

"add value to couples by helping them understand that marriage starts with you and that communication is only a piece of the pie"

Sorry, lost me there. I think you make an accumulation of unfocused experiences without drawing conclusions. Also, I tend to disagree - communication is *everything*, particularly when there are philosophical differences involved. 

Philosophical differences? Sure. Mr "I use money as a tool which is why I spend several hundred dollars on shoes" and Mrs "I prefer to save up for things, and save in general" have different fundamental viewpoints. The reality of limited resources may force an agonizing reappraisal of the reality gap between those viewpoints, unless they communicate and compromise. Compromise without communication is just an uneasy truce. 

Sharing finances makes it more likely for communication to happen. Resources, time and choices are all limited and the trade-offs suitable for one, may not suit the other. So the trade offs must themselves be traded off until both parties can live with it. It's really really tricky. 

Some are good with money, others less so. A marriage often has one of each.
Some prefer old things, others must have new.
Some started out with no money, others had lots. 
Some like to spend, others prefer security.
Some wish to gain through speculation, others feel uneasy at that. 

Glad you have a workable arrangement between you. I wish you literal good fortune in your marriage.


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