# convicted and confused



## guilty_conscience (Jan 20, 2014)

i met a young lady when i was 31 and she was barely 28. we dated for a couple of years and married two years later and now have two kids. 

a year into our marriage, i found some messages on her phone suggesting she was having an affair. she admitted to this but said there was nothing physical.

in late 2012 i suspected she was having an affair, because she acted very suspicious around me. but she denied it until i got confirmation from her phone that she was having an affair with ex boyfriend and also another new boyfriend she had met at a party. 

we went for couselling to repair our marriage and also for the sake of the kids. i must confess i was also having an emotional affair with a colleague, and got physical sometime in june 2012, but ended the affair without disclosure.

after the discovery of her affair, i was convinced that she was not in love with me, so i resumed the affair with the colleague, but we had a good marriage i must say. just before this past christmas, she started acting suspicious again, i confronted her but she denied any affair only to find out through pictures on her phone that she actually has had physical affairs with two other men in the space of just a month. 

we are separated right now with no chance of reconciliation, however i feel convicted of my own affair even though she doesnt know about it. i know the love is non-existent now even though she is begging me for a last opportunity. i feel its dishonorable to divorce her for something i am guilty too, even if hers is worse.

she appears remorseful, but i believe it is not real as i caught her trying to establish contact with one of the affair partners and even sexting him again. clearly she does not love me, but i feel even if i dont tell her about mine, i should give her another opportunity.

please help me get some clarity, i am so confused.


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## Catfish1986 (Oct 26, 2013)

This is not a good marriage. With both of you having affairs. Yours sounds like a revenge affair. 

Your marriage is over. It's just down to getting the divorce filed. PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST. They didn't pick this family they just got it. 

As to your admission, if you think the marriage is over and you want to exit, then do not tell. It will hurt your relationship with your STBXW. Being a good co-parent will be important now and going forward for your kids.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If it will make you feel better, tell her about your affair. Get it off your chest, no more secrets will help you go a long way towards healing from this whole mess of a marriage. Probably one of the reasons she can't let go is she knows she wronged you and feels some level of shame. If she realizes you both did the same thing, perhaps she can let go and you can both move on.

Agree with Catfish... your marriage is over. She has proven that she is a serial cheater, and her behavior will continue over and over.


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## guilty_conscience (Jan 20, 2014)

i agree with both of you that the marriage is over...however i cannot bring myself to tell her...and i feel its not also right to put her away if i am guilty also. is there any such thing as forgive but not reconcile under this circumstance. 

i am tempted to give her another opportunity, but she's not showing any true remorse besides the ocassional crying and half-hearted pleading..


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Divorce and hopefully both of you will learn to be better life partners with new people in the future.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

guilty_conscience said:


> i feel its dishonorable to divorce her for something i am guilty too, even if hers is worse.


Why is her's "worse"?

A penis in a vj outside a marriage is the same no matter how you slice it.

It's not a matter of "how many times" or "how many different partners".

You think because you had one affair partner and she had several, she's somehow "more of a transgressor" or something. 

It's not a question of numbers. Once is too much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I see no reason why either of you should be married. To anyone. Let the divorce run its course and focus on being good parents.


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