# The time has come for me to tell the STBXW...



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

...that I'm seeing someone. 

We knew each other in high school, but never hung out in the same group of friends. It wasn't unil my senior year when we both started working at a fast food restaurant where we got to know each other. And we liked each other a LOT. Something nearly happened between us, but I had a girlfriend at the time and declined...and kicked myself in the ass for it! We spent a bit more time around each other, very hard not to do anything, and then I went off to college. 

Fast forward 14 years later to about 2-3 months ago. We reconnect on the dreaded Facebook. She is also on her way out of a long term relationship, like me. We talk for 1.5 months on FB before we see each other in person again (she lives in another city). And there is CHEMISTRY. Wow, did we ever click. Another 1 - 1.5 months go by, and now she is preparing to find a place in my city so we can be closer. But in order for us to see if we can take things to the next level, she needs to meet my 4 year old daughter. 

Which means I have to tell my STBXW that my girlfriend she knows nothing about is going to meet her our daughter. I want to do this right, and tell her face to face before it happens. "I've met someone, we've been seeing each other for a while and she will probably be in my life for the foreseeable future, and I wanted to give you the courtesy of telling you that she will be meeting our daughter very soon. I didn't want you to find out secondhand from our daughter, and I feel that as her mother this is something you deserve to hear from me first."

I don't like my STBXW, but I hope that if I do this she'll see that I'm trying to keep her involved in what happens with our children even though she has them mos of the time (which I'm trying to fix, I might add).

Anybody have any thoughts on how that sounds?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you should give this relationship more time before introducing your daughter in this confusion.

Your STBX is one thing but you don`t want to make a mistake where your daughter is concerned.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

I agree with Tacoma. If she's just in the process of moving of moving to your city...I'd at least wait until the dust settles from all of that before you introduce her to your daughter.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep a camera in hand, to capture the priceless moment on her face.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

This probably wouldn't happen for at least another couple of weeks, after some more things get logistically figured out on her end. Very good points. I'm just trying to get my ducks in a row and figure out how I want to approach it before it happens. 

I would not introduce her as Daddy's girlfriend. She would just be Daddy's friend. We agreed there would be no outward displays of affection between the two of us while she was here; no hugging, kissing, handholding, etc. I want to ease these two parts of my life together as gently as possible. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

In the Children in the Middle class I took, the facilitator suggested waiting a minimum of a year after the divorce is final to introduce other potential partners to your child. This is a time of great transition for your daughter. Don't add more undue stress on her. It's such a fragile time. So you have chemistry with this lady...awesome. Nurture it and see if it can stand up to the stress and difficulties of a real relationship. You're not divorced yet and she's just picking up to move closer to you after getting out of a LTR too. Have you both healed? Sounds like things are moving awfully fast. I understand the need and desire for companionship. Trust me, I do. But I would never expose my son to someone I didn't have serious intentions regarding. Why would it hurt for the two of you to connect and wait to introduce her to your daughter?
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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Girlfriend wants to make sure that she and my kids can connect. She's afraid of getting involved with someone whose kids won't accept her. She won't be hanging around my kids a lot. My time with them is MY time; the girlfriend does not intrude, I made that clear beforehand. All we want to do is break the ice, she would not be here during my visitation.

Have I fully healed? Pretty much, yeah. I still go to IC (girlfriend knows and encourages this) but I've taken many steps forward. Tbh, we didn't intend for us to like each other as much as we do...we thought it would kinda be a FWB thing. I wasn't looking for a relationship at all, and neither was she. We just...click. And have a lot in common.

Anyway, GF wouldn't be a significant presence in my children's lives for he foreseeable future. We just want to make sure they would get along.
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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> I agree with Tacoma. If she's just in the process of moving of moving to your city...I'd at least wait until the dust settles from all of that before you introduce her to your daughter.


That sounds like a perfectly reasonable suggestion. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

Shouldn't she have done that before moving then....?

And...I hear a lot about what your girlfriend wants. And what you want.

But......what does your daughter want? Is this what's best for her, or best for you and your gf?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> Shouldn't she have done that before moving then....?
> 
> And...I hear a lot about what your girlfriend wants. And what you want.
> 
> ...


Done what before moving?

If my daughter had her way, Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be divorcing. Is this what's best for her? I can only guess. My thought process is I would rather just introduce and see how things go. If it's awkward, GF doesn't have to come back for a long time. If it's not and my daughter loves her, then we can ease into other play dates and things like that. 

That's also why I would not tell my daughter that she is my GF. Just a friend.
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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

If she was afraid of getting involved with someone with kids because she was unsure of whether or not the child would like her, wouldn't she have wanted to meet your daughter prior to picking up her life and moving closer to you......?

It's your life. I don't understand, but I don't need to. Your kid, your call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I would fix the issue with seeing your children more before I introduced a GF into the mix...


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

SoVeryLost said:


> If she was afraid of getting involved with someone with kids because she was unsure of whether or not the child would like her, wouldn't she have wanted to meet your daughter prior to picking up her life and moving closer to you......?
> 
> It's your life. I don't understand, but I don't need to. Your kid, your call.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what she wants, but I think having her wait until after the move is a better idea. She isn't moving just for me; her grandfather is ill and injured and she's going to care for him for a while. He just happens to live in my city. Yes, I am a major part of it, but she would have come to my city anyway.



DjF said:


> I would fix the issue with seeing your children more before I introduced a GF into the mix...


Mediation is on Tuesday.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Tool,
Not a good idea IMHO. You do have chemistry with your new GF, it's called dopamine. The high you are getting may be fogging your decision making process. Not sure of your back story but your child has just suffered one of the most horrible traumas parents can foist on a child, divorce. She has suffered through a death and needs time to heal from that. That is where the year suggestion comes from. Introducing a GF now makes her think that you are trying to replace her mommy. I know that is not what you are doing and you can tell your daughter that, but the way a child's mind works is totally different. It is bad for her sense of security. 

On the legal side of the house, if you are still married and you introduce a GF, that can be used against you in custody. Judges DO NOT like new people in children's lives and prefer the status quo be maintained. Your STBXW can easily argue your unfitness based on that alone and with you being a man, may lose any custody. Again, recommend you hold off on the GF AT LEAST until the D is final.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Thank you all for the input. You've given me a lot to think about. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I will tell you first hand that I think the way you are handling things is A LOT better than what my STBXH did. We've been separated a year and he started shoving the new GF down the kid's throats 4 months ago. No "permission" or discussion from me, nothing.

I have to say it DEFINITELY has had a negative impact on the kids. Although my ex has zero problems saying this is his GF, and hugs and kisses on her all the time in front of them. P*sses me off to NO END, but there isn't anything I can do about it. 

My kids are in counseling.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Thanks Temper. Wow, yeah that is exactly how I DON'T want to handle it. It's not that I want her "permission" but rather I feel as the mother of our daughter she deserves to know about anything that is going to be a part of her life. That includes this. 

I would not introduce my GF as my GF. Just a friend who might like to play with her sometimes. My GF and I already agreed: no signs of affection, no hugging, kissing, handholding, or anything like that. Boundaries would be respected. That's really important to me.

Hope it doesn't blow up in my face. I really want to try and do the right thing and go about this the right way.
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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

tool - according to some psychologists they say to wait at least two years into your relationship before introducing them to your child. that way you have been through at least one major rough period with your new SO. I know it is hard. I know you want so badly for it to be a good fit together. 

But what if after the initial chemistry, you two just aren't fit so you break it off or she does. Then you have drug your child into another broken up relationship. Sadly, children put the blame on themselves- i caused mommy and daddy to break up, i caused daddy and his new friend to stop seeing each, etc. Also, when you do decide to tell your child your friend is now a gf they will feel betrayed, lied to, and most of like you are now gonna abandon them.

I would greatly advise against it. I would wait till she has been in the same city at least a year. Then you will be able to properly figure out your relationship first. If it actually is long term or not. Then you can properly prepare your child and enthusiastically prepare your child for her. This way, there is no trust issues and you don't have to deal with negative fallout if she stops being around.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

God, please do not force your child into this situation so soon! She g
Hasnt even had a chance to begin dealing with her parents divorce yet.

I understand the need & want to move on & you believe this newgirl is the answer, but please remember that your FIRST obligation is to your child. Always.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been separated? And how long till you get divorced? And why the rush on the GF meeting your kids? Nobody's going anywhere, right? And from the sounds of things, you don't have primary custody, so what's the harm in continuing the status quo?

I'm separated almost 18 months, and selecting a lawyer now. Had a mandatory one year waiting period anyway. My kids are 11 and 13, and ideally, they won't meet my GF or my STBXWZ won't hear about her till the divorce is done. I don't see anything good that can come out of rocking the boat. My GF and I can enjoy our time together, I enjoy my time with the kids, and other than having to censor some of what my kids hear about my day, it's just fine that way.

C


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I think there may have been some misconceptions going on. 

I would not introduce her as my GF. Just a friend, nothing more. Just to see if things would be okay. I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't like my kid, or vice versa. I would rather know about that sooner rather than later before any stronger feelings get created, thereby creating an even weirder situation. 

I also talked to her about it and said I think holding off for a bit is appropriate, at least until other things fall into place. I have mediation tomorrow; if that goes well, then all STBXW and I have to do is talk about division of debts and assets. I will agree to everything else in my STBXW's petition as long as she agrees to my parenting plan which is near 50/50. If she does that, we can get the divorce over and done with relatively quickly. That's the main reason why I want to wait and see, and GF agreed (it's my kid, she has no choice but to wait if I tell her). If STBXW puts up a fight, it will delay it from happening for even longer. 

This won't happen tomorrow, or next week, or probably not even next month. This is something that I take seriously and I want to be prepared if and when it happens.
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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

tool - no misconception. i think you think your kid is an idiot. They KNOW even if you think you are being clever. The second thing is, you cannot use your child as judge, jury, and executioner for your relationships. Sadly, yes you want them to get along, but until you know where the relationship is going it doesn't even matter.

Smart Parenting During and After Divorce: Introducing Your Child to Your New Partner | Education.com

that is an excellent article. I think you should read it.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

trying_to_move_on said:


> The second thing is, you cannot use your child as judge, jury, and executioner for your relationships. Sadly, yes you want them to get along, but until you know where the relationship is going it doesn't even matter.


I respectfully disagree. My daughter and I are a package deal. I will not become involved with someone who can't or won't respect that. You may have a different opinion, as is your right. But I choose to conduct myself in my relationships differently. Doesn't make it any better or worse.

I'm not ok with a relationship "being somewhere" by the time I find out she is not compatible with my daughter, or vice versa. 



trying_to_move_on said:


> tool - no misconception. i think you think your kid is an idiot.


You would be mistaken.
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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I would not introduce her as my GF. Just a friend, nothing more. Just to see if things would be okay. I wouldn't want to date someone who doesn't like my kid, or vice versa. I would rather know about that sooner rather than later before any stronger feelings get created, thereby creating an even weirder situation. _Posted via Mobile Device_


First I want to commend you for the thought you are putting into this. My concern is that you are introducing your GF as your friend, which is less than candid if not deceptive. At some point I feel your kid will pick up on this, and realize there is more going on than just friends. I think this deception may at some point cause damage/confusion in the relationship between your GF and your kid, if in fact this turns out to be a LTR.


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## trying_to_move_on (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, you need to figure out if this is what you need or what your kid needs. Because most experts agree this is the opposite of what your kid needs.

You must remember, it won't make your kid feel better to know about her, it won't improve your kid's life, and if she leaves the relationship it won't help your kid out.

However, it makes you feel better, it improves your life, and if she leaves it doesn't affect you.

Lying to your kid doesn't help when your kid realized you lie.

I think this is a hard pill to swallow, because it feels like you are doing the right thing and it feels like you are being responsible. Which I think the fact that you are asking for opinions and searching for an answer shows that you are being responsible and you are doing the right thing.

So, just think about where the positive impact and negative impacts really lay and try to be as honest as possible.

As far as being a package deal. Tell them upfront you have a daughter and she means the world to you. Let them know that is why they won't see your daughter because, until you want/recognize this is a LTR they won't meet her. Let them know it takes at least a year to really determine the strength of a relationship. If they have a problem with it, then it will become clear throughout the course of the relationship.

Honestly, the more open and excited you are about this when the time comes, your kid will be more accepting and understanding of the whole situation. Esp if they realize you have been with this person for a long time and didn't neglect them for any amount of that time.


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