# I'm Falling Apart - My Situation



## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

Hi, everyone. Since I've encountered serious trouble in my marriage, I've been trying to deal with it on my own. It isn't working, and I'm feeling worse than ever. So, here goes... This is long, and I apologize.

My wife and I have been together for just over five years. We were friends in high school, but didn't really get together until a couple of years after graduation. After about 8 months of being in a roller coaster of a relationship, we found out she was pregnant. Our daughter was born in early 2006, and we have been up and down for years after she came into the world.

It was always important to me to base my decision on being together on whether or not I would want to spend the rest of my life with her, even if my daughter, who I love more than anything in the world, was removed from the equation. It took several years, but when I was ready, I asked her, and it happened. In May of this past year, we got married.

Fast forward to November of this past year. My wife asked me to leave, saying that I was not doing my fair share in the household, and that our goals weren't aligned. Since then, I have been living with my parents, who are local (as are hers). I've seen my daughter almost every day.

About two weeks after she asked me to leave, my wife and I basically started dating each other. We would go to dinner, a movie, etc. We spent New Years' together with friends. After about a month of this, I finally said something to the effect of "Look, I'm not going to date my wife. We can work on our problems as a family, and as a married couple living together." She didn't agree, and it's been hellish since then (the past week or so).

I've been working hard to show her that I can be who she needs me to be, and she hasn't been receptive. Tonight, I got out of work early, and after doing a bit of digging, I found out that she basically went on a date with a coworker (who has a girlfriend), who I met less than one month ago at her company's Christmas party. She routinely has lunch with this person (he was hired at the time same she was, roughly 3 months ago), and I've expressed concerns that that may be inappropriate, but again, I'm not sure if that is reasonable on my part (although it certainly seems that way given how tonight happened).

I had a feeling that she was trying to set something up, as on Thursday night (two days ago), when she came to pick up our daughter from where I'm staying, she pushed having her spend the night, which is extremely atypical. When my parents declined due to working early, she suggested our daughter spend the night tonight (Friday), which she did.

Tonight, I had left work early to give her a letter I had written, basically outlining how I want to live for her, and I'm not willing to give up on my family. I got to her (our) apartment, and she wasn't there. I waited until about 1:30 AM, at which point I ran to the store, and when I returned, her car was there, and she was inside. I'm not sure if her coworker was inside also, but it seems plausible.

I knocked on the door, and she wouldn't answer. I called her, etc., and no response. Finally, at 2:15 AM, I received a text message from her father telling me that she was uncomfortable with me being there, and to go home. I left, but I sense that her "discomfort" indicates that her coworker was inside when I knocked on the door. 

So, here are my questions: 

1) Can this marriage be saved? I'm willing to work harder, but I'm not willing to tolerate this type of behavior.
2) It is reasonable for me to be angry regarding this possible date? We've been "separated" for 2 months or so, but we've spent quality time together within the past week.
3) I can't be sure that she was on an actual date. It's possible that it was with a group of coworkers, but phone records and intuition indicates otherwise. How do I approach finding out the truth? I, in part, expect to be told "it's none of your business".
4) If it was a date, is that a deal breaker on reconciliation? If a separation of this length warrants dating, I'm willing to be understanding. I feel, however, that it's disrespectful and "trashy", so to speak.

Your thoughts are appreciated.

BTP


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

broken-I am sorry that you are in this situation. I know it is very difficult and feels like a knife stuck right in your heart . 

The only advice I can give is that the marriage can only be saved if BOTH people want it to be saved. I know how hard that can be when all you want is for your spouse to love you. You deserve someone who loves you as you love them. It will be up to you to decide what you are willing to forgive if she decides to reconcile. 

With her not wanting to open the door for you and having her dad text you surely doesn't look good for the situation. I know that must have been tough to leave, I don't know that I would have had that kind of restraint.

Best of luck to you and everyone here has been really nice and very supportive !


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

BTP
I feel for you. And I can sense your homest attempts at working your marriage out and keeping your family together.

One thing that strikes me in the way that you tell the story makes me ask.

Were you always more hesitant to make a commitment to your wife than she was to you?

Your post suggests that you guys married whne YOU were ready...implying that she had been wanting this for a while....

If this is the case have the tables now turned?

Could she be harbouring residual resentment about this?

I think the evidence that she is involved with someone else is fairly strong. But she is also still attached to you. You guys have history and a child.

The problem (as any of the threads here will confirm) is that it only tales one person wanting out to break a marriage and requires two wanting in to make it work.

It is difficult to say where your wife is with her commitment - 

Can you persuade her to go to MC?


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## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

knortoh said:


> BTP
> I feel for you. And I can sense your homest attempts at working your marriage out and keeping your family together.
> 
> One thing that strikes me in the way that you tell the story makes me ask.
> ...


She was definitely ready to get married before me. She pressured, but I just didn't move forward with it until I was actually ready. There is definitely some resentment there.

I've asked her about marriage counseling, and she doesn't seem up for it, as least as it stands now. I think if things were to improve a bit, she would be willing to give it a shot to help make the final steps.


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## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

Update: I called her early this morning to tell her we need to talk and that she should pick our daughter up. I asked her to tell the truth about whether she went out with the other guy, and she said no, and told me that he wasn't even in town.

Unfortunately, the phone logs are pretty damning. On Thursday, she called him on her way home from work, and sent text messages back and forth. Just after the time when my parents declined our daughter staying over, there's a text message to him, which seems to indicate the "I can't make it" message.

For last night (Friday), there's a call within 5 minutes from when she left my parents, and another call 35 minutes later, which would indicate the "I'm here" message. 

Ugh.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

BTP… Welcome to the community. I hope that you have had the chance to read over some of the other posts here. You will surely see that your situation bares resemblance to so many others here. So that should help you in knowing that you are not alone.

There really isn't anything wrong in dating your wife again although you're married to her. Sometimes, the purpose in that is to re-discover the magic that you've had which caused you to take that walk down the aisle in the first place. There are people who take their wedding vows over again after a certain period of time, and that is to recommit to that person. So, that is okay to do especially when trying to repair a broken marriage.

You've mentioned that you've been working hard to show her that you can be who "she needs for you to be". It might be better if you show her that you can be a stand up guy, a leader, a husband, and a good father. You need to be who you are. If you give up who you are for her, you will surely wind up casting anger towards her because you are something different that what you are or want to be. It is very important to not lose your identity.

For your wife to contact her father, and have her father contact you, then in my personal opinion I feel that you can safely assume that this other individual might have been in her home. Although this is a serious blow to you and to your marriage, maybe all is not lost. But that is all up to you and your wife.

It seems that your relationship has been on rocky ground for awhile and although you have worked things out enough to get married, there seems to be something that is underlying that is causing this situation. Sad that you have not had the opportunity to at least spend your first 12 months together as husband and wife together.

I do not feel that all is lost. After all, she was willing to "date" you once again and spend time with you. So that shows that the door isn't completely closed. But if your relationship is to work... then you both have to do it together. A marriage is two people working as one. Not one person working and the other person running away.

This is where you need to be strong for your daughter. She's young and this is going to be something that is going to be very strange and hard for her. Either way, you need to keep your senses and walk a hard line.

Keep posting... we're all in this together.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well you can't hang outside her the house banging on the front door at 2am. That stuff will get you arrested if you do that again. It's written up on the police report as "estranged husband stalking wife". Very bad. Consider yourself lucky that she called her father and not the police.

She's obviously dating right in your face, and probably is having sex with her co-worker. Basically it's all very bad.

I would keep pushing for marriage counseling and her breaking it off with this guy needs to be a requirement. Though frankly he's got a much better hold on her than you do now.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There is a recipe to addressing the circumstance that you are in, but very few adopt following it's steps, as they see it as 'unproductive' in trying to address the issues. At least not until they get kicked a bit more by the partner they are trying to demonstrate their love and commitment towards.

At this point in time, the more you attempt to pursue a reconciliation, the further away from you she will move.

1. Stop pursuing her.

2. Make her feel the realities of being apart. If her cell phone is in your name, cancel it. If she wants to talk to other men, let her do it on her dime. 
3. Do not use a singular checking account. Separate finances.
4. The rules are simple, if the two of you are still married and there has been no agreement to see other people (which there shouldn't be), she is having an affair.
5. Do not inform her that you are making changes until you have made them. Fail to do this, and she will talk you out of making the change.
6. This is not about punishing her. It is about you standing up for yourself and establishing boundaries. For as long as you are willing to be taken advantage of - she will take it.

She is in the classic, "grass is greener on the other side" phase of her affair. Whether or not it has become physical, she has no investment in you. She is fully invested in what she perceives as the answer to all of her problems with the other man.

You will make absolutely no progress if reconciliation is your goal by sitting back, being nice, writing letters, trying to engage her in conversation, tearfully pleading with her, or otherwise trying to convince her how much you love her. It simply does not matter and will not work.

You want to let her know you are serious? Stand up for yourself. Set limits, decide what you will, and will not tolerate - and do not back down from it.

Basically what I'm telling you is that if you want to save your marriage, you have to be fully prepared to break it.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Great advice Deejo
great advice


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## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

Deejo said:


> There is a recipe to addressing the circumstance that you are in, but very few adopt following it's steps, as they see it as 'unproductive' in trying to address the issues. At least not until they get kicked a bit more by the partner they are trying to demonstrate their love and commitment towards.
> 
> At this point in time, the more you attempt to pursue a reconciliation, the further away from you she will move.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything you said. I have decided that I will contact her only when I need to see my daughter. Beyond that, she can do what she wants. Even if being *really* gone doesn't lead to reconciliation, it will be a long step towards moving on myself, I'm hoping.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

deejo-I just have to say that is very well written and GREAT advice!
Broken-It will be so hard to not call.....but it is true...the more you beg and plead the more she will pull away. Whether or not you backing away leads to reconciliation, at least you will be making the right steps towards moving on..life will go on....you will make it ...and you will find someone who deserves your love, even if it isn't her.


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## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

whattodo17 said:


> deejo-I just have to say that is very well written and GREAT advice!
> Broken-It will be so hard to not call.....but it is true...the more you beg and plead the more she will pull away. Whether or not you backing away leads to reconciliation, at least you will be making the right steps towards moving on..life will go on....you will make it ...and you will find someone who deserves your love, even if it isn't her.


Thanks. The more time I spend thinking about it, our relationship has always been an overall total nightmare with moments of happiness. As it is/was, it's completely unhealthy, and something I'm unwilling to enter back into it. If serious changes were possible, I would love to make that happen, but I'm no longer going to force it.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

broken-I am right there with ya! I can look back and see our relationship was rocky and see that he just isn't one who is going to stay married. 
Hopefully things will get better for you and y'all can get the help to work things out.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> There is a recipe to addressing the circumstance that you are in, but very few adopt following it's steps, as they see it as 'unproductive' in trying to address the issues. At least not until they get kicked a bit more by the partner they are trying to demonstrate their love and commitment towards.
> 
> At this point in time, the more you attempt to pursue a reconciliation, the further away from you she will move.
> 
> ...


Preach on.. preach on!! Excellent advice!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hang on broken, you got so great advice here. It will be hard to follow it, so the best thing to do is wake up everyday with the mindset that this is a new day, a fresh start, and hey just say to yourself this will be the best day I've had yet (even if you know it won't be/ or don't feel like it) 

Fake it until you make it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

BrokenToPieces said:


> . Even if being *really* gone doesn't lead to reconciliation, it will be a long step towards moving on myself, I'm hoping.


This is exactly the point. Using firm boundaries, and no contact (meaning no phone calls, check-ins, texts or emails) other than what is necessary won't change the anxiety or the pain, but it undoubtedly changes the dynamic. Changing the dynamic is what will help you, regardless of the outcome.

I strongly urge that you consider individual counseling while navigating this tough time.


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## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

*Interesting Update:*

I talked to her today about what happened on Friday night. As I may have mentioned, on Saturday morning, I asked her "Did you go out with Guy X last night?", and she said no. Today, she spilled the beans.

She was invited over to another guy from work's house, whose name is (amazingly) the same as Guy X. I've met this other person, albeit briefly. I don't know if it was one-on-one at his house, or if others attended. She said she made it clear to him that it wasn't a date, and while she was having trouble at home, she was, in fact married. She said she left just after 1:00 AM, after he tried to kiss her and she didn't allow him to.

Sounded like more lies to me, until I managed to take a peek at her text messages. There was one from the guy's number, at around 1:30 AM on Friday, saying something to the effect of: "Hey, thanks for coming over. I can't apologize for trying to kiss you, because I really wanted to, but when I invited you, that wasn't my intention." This leads me to believe she is telling the truth.

I'm not going to discuss this "date" anymore with her, but I had the following to say to her about, and did this evening:
- Don't accept an invitation to a guy's house if you aren't interested in being more than friends. You're putting yourself in a bad position (to look like you're sending mixed signals, messing with people from your work, straining what's left of our marriage). Guys who invite you over when they know you're having trouble in your marriage aren't trying to be your friend.

I'd love to ladies to chime in: Is this type of behavior just a woman needing to feel wanted? It makes zero sense to me. Perhaps she *was* interested in him, and changed her mind? If this course of events in actually true (which it appears to be), do I have any reason to be upset? Or, should I be happy that she still feels enough of a connection with me to not throw it away on a random guy?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

BrokenToPieces said:


> *Interesting Update:*
> 
> I talked to her today about what happened on Friday night. As I may have mentioned, on Saturday morning, I asked her "Did you go out with Guy X last night?", and she said no. Today, she spilled the beans.
> 
> ...


The emotional connection a woman seeks from another man is indeed very much sexual, although in the cognitive sense the woman may have clearly not the intention of crossing the physical line herself, or at least at at certain time, or even realize fully why she is connecting to another man like this.

This "shoulder to cry on" business is just this, and is nothing innocent or platonic. Good men and women reading this, make no mistake on this.

It is necessary to say, I have been saddened to speak to more than one woman having just this particular scenario, who while having what is later to only be described as an emotional affair with a man, but at the time it was only while she is looking for a "friend" or an emotional support at the time quite innocent in her mind. 

However in the man's perspective the intentions are recognized as sexual, and these particular situations I am speaking of have ended up with sexual assault against these women, and these women, each have shared, that knowing the questionable circumstances, have been too ashamed or confused to refer to the authorities in such cases, since they themselves are confused and blaming themself, each one, on their own misjudgment, in putting themselves in the positions to be alone and vulnerable to these men. 

So this point is most important, for the benefit of a woman's safety, avoid being naive in these emotional affairs! 

A man simply will not be pursuing a woman and investing his time and emotional energy for something other than the sexual connection.


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## BrokenToPieces (Jan 16, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> The emotional connection a woman seeks from another man is indeed very much sexual, although in the cognitive sense the woman may have clearly not the intention of crossing the physical line herself, or at least at at certain time, or even realize fully why she is connecting to another man like this.
> 
> This "shoulder to cry on" business is just this, and is nothing innocent or platonic. Good men and women reading this, make no mistake on this.
> 
> ...


Wholeheartedly agree, and that is basically what I expressed to her. She is putting herself in an unhealthy situation based on the status of our relationship and the dude-from-work factor. Beyond that, she's put herself at risk to be in a dangerous situation, based on unclear intentions/desires.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well yeah, she's just being stupid. Going to a man's house is basically putting yourself into a situation where sex can happen easily. She's being an idiot about men.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

From a woman perspective? She could have been doing it for quite a few reasons...but none innocent. Atholk is correct, she put herself in a certain type of situation that could have had a totally different outcome. And yes her going to another man's house while she is having difficulty in her marriage? A cry for attention, a need to feel wanted, and something to throw in your face.


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