# Step son driving me to separate



## judusx (Aug 17, 2012)

Hi all 

My first post here as unsure where to turn

I and my wife have been married for 10 years we have a little boy who is 8 and she has a older son from another farther who is 25.

For the last ten years her son has caused so much pain ranging from been sacked from jobs, drug addiction, violence towards me and drug related debts. One of the above would happen every few months or so with me and my wife having to bail him out of what ever situation he gets himself in.

In the past I have rowed with my wife over him, telling her that he needs to sort his own problems out which we are more than happy to offer advice on. The problem is that he begs my wife to help him and says that he will kill himself as his life is in the dumps. He has said this before and my wife maternal instincts kicks in as would any mother. I understand this due to having a little man myself.

Over the last few weeks his activity has hit boiling point. My wife has had to take him into our home due to addiction to amphetamine he seemed to cope well for two weeks then moved back to his own flat. Last Sunday he was crying down the phone again to my wife asking for money £200 to pay a drug dealer that will hurt him if he does not pay. Both him and my wife are in tears at this point I sat them both down and said "NO More" I will pay the money (not the first time) if this happens again he is on his own. I also told my wife that I would have no more to do with this saga and they both agreed.

Yesterday He called again same line that he owed more money for drugs. My wife called this man as she did not trust her son was telling the truth but he was. While this was going on she asked if she paid the money and brought him to stay with us what would be my action. I said that I did not want to talk about it at this time due to her been very upset.

I am now at tipping point, I am ready to start the process to separate. I would eventually take my young boy with me. I understand that she has little choice in the matter but I do and will not live this was for the next 20 years he will not change.

I love my wife very much but need to start thinking about myself and my little boy.

Any advice is welcome.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

judusx said:


> Hi all
> 
> My first post here as unsure where to turn
> 
> ...





Yes, absolutely. Take your son and go. Your W is making the choice to be an enabler. To actually PAY the drug dealers off? WTF?

Maybe with you and your young son gone from the marital home, she will come to realize what is really going on here. Maybe she will allow her grown son to take responsibility for his own life (as he should). Your W is also the mother of the younger son. Is this the kind of parenting you want for him as well?

I have a grown step son. I also have a grown (younger) biological son. Both were taught to stand on their own and be responsible for their own lives. The younger is still in college, the older is on his own. Neither is addicted to drugs or involved with drugs. Neither has had to come back home (knock on wood) to be supported by their parents. I love them both, but I can't afford to bail either one out and they know this. Your step son has yet to learn this because his mother continues (against your wishes) to maintain his chosen lifestyle. Something has to wake her up.

Tough love. Have your wife read up on the subject. But yes, please take your younger child out of harms way. The sooner the better.


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## judusx (Aug 17, 2012)

Thanks for the reply.

He poses no danger to my younger son and nothing has every been discussed in front of my younger son.

My home is a relaxed one with no tension apart from the above.

How do I drag my young son from his mother out of his home ??? this will destroy my wife who I love very much and I know the feeling is mutual.

Should I suggest her and the son leave ?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

judusx said:


> Thanks for the reply.
> 
> He poses no danger to my younger son and nothing has every been discussed in front of my younger son.
> 
> ...


Has your wife ever spoken with someone about the continued enabling? Is she aware that it is destroying her son, and her family? It's very hard to turn your back on your children, you know that. My MIL enables her youngest son beyond belief and it is in essence destroying her quality of life in what should be her pleasant golden years. 

How does your wife see this playing out? I would give her an ultimatum. Your wife cannot help your stepson, but your stepson can destroy your family on active addiction.


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## judusx (Aug 17, 2012)

Thanks Cherry 

That is some sound advice.

Me and my wife have thought that her son has slight mental problems and fits into a space within society that deems him able to live with this but unable to receive help.

I just can not bare the thought of my young son seeing me and his mother split. I am what you would call a maternal farther and would have walked years ago if it was not for my boy.

I always think that my child would grow up like her soon if he was from a "broken Home" I know in my mind this is not the case but can not help thinking it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

judusx said:


> Thanks for the reply.
> 
> He poses no danger to my younger son and nothing has every been discussed in front of my younger son.
> 
> ...


Why do you think this 25 year old poses no danger to your younger son? I've very much aware of what meth addition is and the toll it takes on a family. The 25 year old will be setting an example of drug use to the your child. He will be bringing around others who are uses. You are absolutely putting your son in danger having the 25 year old in your home.

If you leave your wife, your 8 year old will be around this 25 year old without you being there to supervise... because she will have the 8 year old part of the time. This is not good either.

The 25 year old has to hit rock bottom before he will take responsibility for himself. Paying for his drugs prevents him from hitting rock bottom. If he get to where the drug dealers know that he cannot pay for his drugs, they will stop giving him drugs.

From your word usage, I don't think you live in the USA. What is the situation there for drug rehab? Is it free? I would give the 25 year old the choice of drug rehab or don't call until he's clean for 2 years.

Your wife has to learn tough love. Take her to Al-Anon meetings so that she can learn how to implement tough love. This is an example the two of you HAVE to give for your 8 year old.

My step-daughter is 22. She has been a meth user. She is not supposed to be clean and staying in my house. I got a drug test kit from the pharmacy. She has to agree to random drug tests from me in order to stay here. And I don't even have small  children around.

If I were you I would not leave with your son. Instead I would tell my wife that if she wants to support and adult addict that she can leave. Make this hard on her. Make her choose you and your son over the addicted older son. Help your wife learn tough love.


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