# New Username, Same Old Thread (Wife Cheated)



## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

I have been lurking for a couple months (since I discovered my wife's EA+PA affair), and figured it was time I shared my story. I'll try and keep it short.

Married for 6, together for 11, toddler son. We had been in a rut, typical "focus on the child, while ignoring the marriage" stuff, with some verbal spats whenever our built up resentments boiled over - but nothing too bad. Mostly a happy life, both have good jobs, great family & friends, blah blah blah.

I had been ignoring subtle signs for a while, until one night I became suspicious and checked her phone, found some emails between her and her co-worker AP. Cue spinning room, stomach pain, nausea, etc. She was asleep upstairs at the time, I spent the whole night (couldn't sleep) researching stuff on the web (which is when I found this site)

I followed some of the advice, but looking back, I clearly didn't follow enough of it.

Two days later I confronted, mentioned seeing some emails, she confessed, was in shock, instantly agreed to end the affair, and to try and save our marriage/family.

The AP's story matches ours (married, toddler, marriage in a rut).

We start having talks about two nights a week where she answers anything I ask about the affair. We both start IC, and things SEEM to be following the path towards reconciliation.

Except I keep finding out stuff. To keep this from rambling, here are the highlights:

* They kept up the EA for another 3+ weeks.
* Caught her in his car in a random parking lot 5 min from their office (2 weeks after d-day), she says they were just saying their final goodbye.
* Casual private conversations at work, which she would initially lie about having talked to him, until a week or two later she'd tell me about it.
* According to her, she hasn't had any contact since 1 month after d-day.
* According to her, it has now been over a week since the last time she lied to me (yeah, I realize how absurd that sentence is).

After I learned that the entire month of December she had still been lying about various details (mostly small stuff) I realized we hadn't really made any meaningful progress since d-day (other than the EA which ended 3 weeks later).

I have confirmed via various methods (some mine, some she willingly granted) that the affair is over, EXCEPT for what could potentially happen at the office - that is their one safe place. He works remotely most of the time, and as far as I can tell nothing is going on there... but I have no way of verifying that.

My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point, and also I would feel guilty putting the OMW (who I don't know, and they live ~2 hours away) through what I was going through, especially since it all happened right before the holiday season.

She is adamant that she wants to fix our marriage, and that it's over with him. But they still work together, with jobs that would be difficult to simply walk away from.

I'm on the fence with whether I can ever get past this. I go back & forth about getting back in contact w/ my lawyer (who I met w/ the first week) and filing papers. At this point we're trying to find a good MC, and that is my last hope (although from stories I've read here, not sure how much hope I should hold out).

I'll leave it at that. Feel free to ask about anything I glossed over or left out, or to offer any advice you have.

Thanks for reading.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Rimis said:


> She is adamant that she wants to fix our marriage, and that it's over with him. But they still work together, with jobs that would be difficult to simply walk away from.


Until she leaves that job, you are not in recovery, but an active affair. You have NO chance as long as she is there.

If you go to marriage counseling while she is still in that job and in contact with the POS then it will be disastrous. Don't even think about it.

She needs an ultimatum:

1) Leave the job
or
2) Leave the marriage

There's no other way.

Sorry


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

If your wife is lying to you there is no chance of reconciliation. She has to stop lying. How? You will get lots of advice here. For one thing, she has to end all contact with the OM. I personally think that you SHOULD contact the OMW. Your wife needs to write a NC letter to the OM and let you read it. It might even mean that one of them quit their job if they're serious.

Your wife has to understand what she is putting you and your son through. She is cheating on both of you. She has to show remorse and work on rebuilding trust. She cannot do that while she is lying. 


You'll get more and better advice from others - but good luck.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

As far as the OMW...would you want her to tell you if she knew? You are not causing her pain, sure it will be painful to know but you might be her saving grace. Maybe she already thinks something and just cant prove it because she lives 2 hours away and cant "follow" him?!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Revenge? 
Nonsense. If you want to remain married, you can't rely on her goodwill or her word. Not his either. 

As long as they have each other's email addys, work phone ext, conferences, company parties, etc your marriage will remain in hot water and continue dripping away a drop at a time. 

Is it a dealbreaker if they have had sex? Because the likelihood is better than 50/50 - no matter what she says or how "well you know her". Because it's obvious you didn't know her well enough. 

She's very adept at lying to you. She and her BF in a car ummm "saying goodbye"? And you believed this? She must be in sales and making a fortune if her ability with you is any indication. 

You need to do two things almost immediately if you want to salvage your marriage:
1. Tell her BF's wife. Tell her all that you know. The car meet included. Tell her you are making her aware because your wife and her H have promised that the affair has ended. Ask her if she was aware and if she is willing to let you know if anything shady occurs henceforth. Offer to do the same if she wants. 

2. Tell your wife to write out a detailed explanation (a timeline) of the affair. EVERY thing. Nothing left out. Tell her this is her ONE chance. Anything you find out later will result in divorce. After she writes it out tell her you want her to verify her veracity by agreeing to a polygraph. 

If she resists the test it's because she was not truthful about the affair. 

They may have agreed to put their affair on hold for a few months. It's a common ploy by dedicated "soulmates" or dedicated "cheaters". Any your wife has proven herself to be one.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

They cannot work for the same company. If she wants to work on the marriage she has to quit. Also expose if you do not he will be back fishing in a few months.

When you expose he will call your wife. She will blow up, because she wants to protect him. Still has feelingf for him. It will be a bad couple of days but you have to do it.

Also tell your parents and hers. It is going to hurt both of you but it has to be done. 

I waited and did not expose and it caused the extra pain you are having and will have more of. Get it done it is like pulling off a bandage

She needs to know you are an Alpha male and not going to take crap like this.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

mahike said:


> *They cannot work for the same company. If she wants to work on the marriage she has to quit. Also expose if you do not he will be back fishing in a few months.*
> 
> When you expose he will call your wife. She will blow up, because she wants to protect him. Still has feelingf for him. It will be a bad couple of days but you have to do it.
> 
> ...


Until the bold statement above is addressed your thread title should be changed from (wife cheated) to (wife is cheating). It's almost a certainty.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Rimis said:


> My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point, and also I would feel guilty putting the OMW (who I don't know, and they live ~2 hours away) through what I was going through, especially since it all happened right before the holiday season.


I WISH my wife's OM were married, I'd call his wife in a hot second. Remember men tend not to leave their wives after an affair - letting her know is likely to kill it!

And don't feel guilty about letting her know - feel guilty about allowing her husband to continue cheating on her. If you didn't know about the affair, wouldn't you want her to tell you?

Tell her tell her tell her!!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MC will tell you to forget about exposure. It's a preventive damage control tactic rationalized and sold with a bunch of guilt trips.
Completely ignore the whole thing.
Exoose to BW.

The job. It may be hard to walk away from it. Still unconfortable is not unable. Divorce can be worse, ling term consequences. What are her priorities? Did she ever think about putting her resume elsewere?
I'm sure MC will confirm itr's not necessary.
Did you shop that MC? Asked him/her about how to aproach this situation?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is that job of hers worth more then this marriage?

Don't you think those warm fuzzy feely keep coming back every time they run into each other at work?

If it was you that was in the dark would you want OMW to call and tell you, what would you think if you found out that OMW know but didn't tell you?


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

I've read enough of these threads to know that I'd get a lot of comments advocating for exposure, and also about them working together.

She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.

Plus, my lawyer recommended against that, as if I do file for divorce, her leaving that job would almost certainly mean me paying alimony and/or child support. She makes close enough to my salary now that I'd be in the clear, but she would most likely take a significant pay cut (at least in the short term) if she left.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Is that job of hers worth more then this marriage?
> 
> Don't you think those warm fuzzy feely keep coming back every time they run into each other at work?
> 
> If it was you that was in the dark would you want OMW to call and tell you, what would you think if you found out that OMW know but didn't tell you?


You answered your own question you should call the omw today and fill her in she has a right to know and it's the right thing to do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Not only expose to omw, give her your wife's cell# that convo should be a doosy!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your lawyer is looking out for your legal rights. That's great. That's what he should do. I advocate seeing a lawyer immediately to find out what your rights and responsibilities are. 

However, your lawyer has no obligation or legal interest in saving your marriage. So, if you are determined to divorce - then absolutely, she stays. 

But if you want to the marriage to go forward, it can't really do that with all the means available for normal interactions. I work at a company that has over 1000 employees. 

Video conferences, team building meetings, business conferences - all these events and many more bring people from outside the main office together. Or it gives them an opportunity to do so. 

Email, phone ext, easy draws too. Even if the intent was to break it off these incidental meetings can rekindle via "absence makes the heart ..." What's wrong with her floating her resume around? If she's any good she is bound to find something close to what she has now - or even better than she has now. 

But that's only one part of resolving the issues in your marriage. You need to know ALL that occurred and be able to verify it. 

If you're not going to do anything except accept her word that she 'won't lie on Tuesdays' then you may as well file that divorce petition and save yourself a bunch of heartache.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Rimis, question for you...Can you handle your wife still working there? if you want to stay married, even if they work in different parts of the company. 
She effed a guy she works and still has contact with him :wtf:
Even if the affair is over...:banghead:

If your going to just divorce, go with your atty's advise


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Rimis said:


> I've read enough of these threads to know that I'd get a lot of comments advocating for exposure, and also about them working together.
> 
> She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.
> 
> Plus, my lawyer recommended against that, as if I do file for divorce, her leaving that job would almost certainly mean me paying alimony and/or child support. She makes close enough to my salary now that I'd be in the clear, but she would most likely take a significant pay cut (at least in the short term) if she left.


There are different ways to do an exposure. You can word it to be more about him than her, especially since you are still married and undecided about divorce. Just saying.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> As far as the OMW...would you want her to tell you if she knew?


I've asked myself that question over and over again, and while I'm pretty sure the answer is 'yes' - I can't speak for her. Which, yes, I realize I am doing that in a way by NOT telling her.



LetDownNTX said:


> you might be her saving grace. Maybe she already thinks something and just cant prove it


That is a really good point that I hadn't considered.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Rimis said:


> I'm on the fence with whether I can ever get past this.


You can't get "past" something until you know where it ends, and in your case, you don't know that yet.

But, assuming you reach the point where the affair has stopped, then no, In my opinion, you never get over what the spouse did, you just build up a callous on that part of your memory so it isn't as sensitive as it was before, some people can do it, others can't, I personally couldn't, and wouldn't want to try. The trying part is probably worse than the discovery; it's prolonged torture.

T


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Rimis said:


> I've asked myself that question over and over again, and while I'm pretty sure the answer is 'yes' - I can't speak for her.


Now you know what your wife thinks when she trickle truths you and says it's all for your sake.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Rimis said:


> She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.


Why is it a big strech? They have both repeatedly lied and continued the affair despite assuring you that they would stop. You now think that it ended three weeks ago, but have given no real reason as to why you should trust them. Heck, from your first post:



> * Casual private conversations at work, which she would initially lie about having talked to him, until a week or two later she'd tell me about it.


Those conversations are part of an on going affair. Why do you give her the benefit of the doubt so shortly after she repeatedly has lied to your face (don't even get me started about parking together). If someone else lied to you like that, would you so quickly trust them? Of course not.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Revenge?
> Is it a dealbreaker if they have had sex? Because the likelihood is better than 50/50 - no matter what she says or how "well you know her". Because it's obvious you didn't know her well enough.


They have had sex, she has admitted that. She had two overnight work trips where he joined her at her hotel.

I don't know ALL the details about the affair at this point, because I haven't wanted to hear them yet. I know plenty at this point though.

As far as her being a good liar, she's actually not. I was just ignoring all the red flags. Both times she got the hotel I felt it was off, and pushed her for explanations (one was only 2 hours away, one was close to her parents where she normally stayed on those trips). Both times I backed off b/c I didn't want to seem like a control freak. Obviously now my guard is up. I've caught her in a few lies already (during that first month of lying).

I'm not so ignorant as to think I'm a human lie detector... but while she clearly has no problem lying to my face, she's not THAT good at it when I dig.

I don't trust her at all right now... so she definitely could be lying about things that I haven't picked up on. I know this. That's a big part of why I'm not sure if I want to stay married to her. I just think that if we get divorced, I owe it to myself and my son to be able to look back and say "I tried to make it work."

I know most here won't agree with that - but I'm the one that has to live with making that choice, and I don't want to spend the 50% of my son's life going forward where I'm not with him doubting my decision.

For me, that means giving it a little bit more time, and giving MC a try before throwing in the towel.

If I get to the point where I'm convinced I want to make it work, then I will reconsider pushing her to leave her job.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Rimis said:


> for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.


Orly ? lol. 



Rimis said:


> Plus, my lawyer recommended against that, as if I do file for divorce, her leaving that job would almost certainly mean me paying alimony and/or child support. She makes close enough to my salary now that I'd be in the clear, but she would most likely take a significant pay cut (at least in the short term) if she left.


So you have _already_ begun to accept that the most likely scenario here is going to be divorce?. Your story, (unless of course you were looking for a reason not to expose and the lawyer gave you an easy out you snatched up) sounds as if your priority is to protect yourself legally? 

Wise decision, all things considered. Having the forsight to realize that the damage could already be to great....

and that these little episodes are just foreplay for the _real fireworks_ and the _MUCH bigger part of the iceburg your going to uncover in the next few months_ is wise beyond your post count....

Good luck, sounds like you got this.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why is it a big strech? They have both repeatedly lied and continued the affair despite assuring you that they would stop. You now think that it ended three weeks ago, but have given no real reason as to why you should trust them.
> 
> Those conversations are part of an on going affair. Why do you give her the benefit of the doubt so shortly after she repeatedly has lied to your face (don't even get me started about parking together). If someone else lied to you like that, would you so quickly trust them? Of course not.


Sorry, I probably didn't explain the timeline clearly enough. Those "casual conversations" at work are part of the 3 week continuation of her affair. She has not (as far as I know) had ANY contact with him since. So it has now been about 7 weeks since she last had contact with him (again, as far as I know).

No, I do not know for sure, but I am going on more than just her word here. And no, I do NOT trust her. I guess I should have put that in my first post. I do NOT trust anything she says. I evaluate it, and form my own opinion on how likely it is she's telling me the truth, but I would definitely not use the word "trust" when I comes to anything she says to me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Whether or not you divorce tell the omw everything you know good luck man.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Rimis, you one of those who think they case is special and they read their spouse like an open book. I felt like you too, until D-Day 2.

I'd love to be proven wrong but if I had to bet any money, at the moment it would be on the affair continuing underground.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

No one wants to lose their kids or their marriage if it comes to that. But living in a household with quarreling parents, distrust, arguments, coldness, bitterness, and all those negative emotions that come with infidelity are not healthy for children either. 

They see you both semi-happy one day, cold and emotionless the next. They learn how to interact with others by watching your interactions. This can lead to their own issues in forming long-lasting and loving relationships.

A two parent family is by far the best environment for children. But a two parent family in turmoil can cause much more damage that a single parent family which provides a secure and loving environment. 

I applaud your effort at attempting to survive this betrayal. But if it to succeed you have to start with a clean slate. Know all that happened. NO SECRETS. 

Is your MC experienced in marriages with infidelity as a main issue? Some MCs only want to work at having you "move forward" these MCs can cause much more damage in the long run. Because without resolving the issue of infidelity completely, trouble is certain to emerge in a very short while. 

The MC's goal is to have you walk out of the office holding hands. Or am I wrong? Did s/he caution that the end result might be divorce? If not you have the wrong MC.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Telling OMW serves multiple issues. 

1. It helps promote the issue of the affair ending. From his side.
2. HE may have to leave his job to save his marriage...solves the NC issue.
3. Your wife's reaction will truly be telling. If she gets VERY aggitated about it, it's because the affair isn't over. Don't tell your wife you're going to. Do it and let the chips fall where they may.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

If you want to be able to say you gave it everything to try and save the marriage or I should say rebuild a marriage she is going to have to quit her job. 

This cannot be about the money she makes or a career it has to be about the marriage first


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Rimis said:


> Sorry, I probably didn't explain the timeline clearly enough. Those "casual conversations" at work are part of the 3 week continuation of her affair. She has not (as far as I know) had ANY contact with him since. So it has now been about 7 weeks since she last had contact with him (again, as far as I know).
> 
> No, I do not know for sure, but I am going on more than just her word here. And no, I do NOT trust her. I guess I should have put that in my first post. I do NOT trust anything she says. I evaluate it, and form my own opinion on how likely it is she's telling me the truth, but I would definitely not use the word "trust" when I comes to anything she says to me.


What have you done specifically, to verify no contact? VAR, text/phone/email transparency and passwords? Recover deleted texts?

Your biggest problem, you alluded to it in your first post, is fear.
Knowing of an affair, any affair, and keeping it quiet makes you a party to the affair. Think bank robbery. You are, at this point, complicit in the affair against the OM's wife.

If you do not believe that, you would be shocked at what betrayed spouses here think of the AP's spouse when they find out they knew about the affair and did not tell them. It ain't pretty.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Rimis said:


> I've read enough of these threads to know that I'd get a lot of comments advocating for exposure, and also about them working together.
> 
> She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.
> 
> Plus, my lawyer recommended against that, as if I do file for divorce, her leaving that job would almost certainly mean me paying alimony and/or child support. She makes close enough to my salary now that I'd be in the clear, but she would most likely take a significant pay cut (at least in the short term) if she left.


Either prepare for divorce or prepare for reconciliation. 

In this case one prohibits the other. She must not work where she has any access to him. It's foolish to continue that way.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Rimis said:


> I owe it to myself and my son to be able to look back and say "I tried to make it work."


While I'm not a big polygraph advocate _(only because it would bother me personally to have to suggest it to a person I love)_, but if you're determined to move forward and give reconciliation a chance, you may want to consider it. Maybe ask her to agree to a polygraph every 90 days for the first year or two. At the very least it might give you piece of mind. I've read on here about people with experience in this area; one of the things I liked was the idea of keeping the questions to a minimum and to some specific things.

T


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> No one wants to lose their kids or their marriage if it comes to that. But living in a household with quarreling parents, distrust, arguments, coldness, bitterness, and all those negative emotions that come with infidelity are not healthy for children either.
> 
> They see you both semi-happy one day, cold and emotionless the next. They learn how to interact with others by watching your interactions. This can lead to their own issues in forming long-lasting and loving relationships.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything you have said there. We've both been pretty good about focusing on our son, and saving the talks for after he is in bed. And I've been able to keep my cool mostly when we talk. However, if we go forward we obviously cannot shield him from it if things don't improve between us.

As far as your MC concerns - we are currently trying to find a good one, so your input there will certainly help w/ the screening. I agree completely on the MC needing to focus first on the affair. Any MC that opens with "the past is the past" or leads us down the path of blaming ME for everything will result in me walking out. In fact, I have discussed that exact thing w/ my wife and she agrees.

We have both been in individual counseling for about a month now.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

chapparal said:


> What have you done specifically, to verify no contact? VAR, text/phone/email transparency and passwords? Recover deleted texts?


Let's just say I'm very tech savvy, and I've read badbane's thread on evidence gathering.

I am not going to go into details as there is no telling who may end up reading this thread.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Rimis said:


> I agree with everything you have said there. We've both been pretty good about focusing on our son, and saving the talks for after he is in bed. And I've been able to keep my cool mostly when we talk. However, if we go forward we obviously cannot shield him from it if things don't improve between us.
> 
> As far as your MC concerns - we are currently trying to find a good one, so your input there will certainly help w/ the screening. I agree completely on the MC needing to focus first on the affair. Any MC that opens with "the past is the past" or leads us down the path of blaming ME for everything will result in me walking out. In fact, I have discussed that exact thing w/ my wife and she agrees.
> 
> We have both been in individual counseling for about a month now.


I hope we haven't sounded like we're beating up on you. I think that most, if not all, are pro marriage and pull for reconciliation where success is likely. Your attitude about approaching MC is great. 

The likelihood of a successful R is improved when there are NO SECRETS between you. Total honesty. She can't undo what she did. She can't hurt you (not really) by revealing the details. 

You might wonder why you want to know because you don't care. True you don't care at the moment - you're trying to hold a family together and trying to overcome a trauma. But that's today. 

In a few month's you're going to wonder. Not on purpose, but because it's human nature. You will imagine all sorts of things and begin to resent it. 

When you ask her then, she may become defensive because "you didn't want to know before, why are you trying to hurt me now?" 

At that time - months from now - when she begins to grudgingly tell you some details (the ones she didn't forget) it'll be like you're starting all over again. 

And you really need to tell the wife of this other guy. Other posters have made a good argument for it.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

snap said:


> Rimis, you one of those who think they case is special and they read their spouse like an open book. I felt like you too, until D-Day 2.
> 
> I'd love to be proven wrong but if I had to bet any money, at the moment it would be on the affair continuing underground.


If I thought I could read her like an open book she would not have been able to have a 3+ month affair under my nose.

I don't think my case is special. I'm just not one of the folks that think EVERY affair is the same. Lots of posters here file for divorce and never look back. Lots of posters here have a second D-day. Some are years into reconciliation and still unsure. Some are years beyond and feel their marriage is stronger than they've ever been.

I don't know yet which one of categories my situation falls into.

I recognize that she might still be continuing the affair as I type this, but I don't think she is.

You can place your money on it still happening, I can place mine on it being over and her being remorseful. Neither of us knows for sure.

You could argue you've been down this road, so you know better than I do. I could argue that it's my life/wife, so I know better than a stranger on the internet. Neither of us knows for sure.

The people saying "if she works with him, they are definitely still having sex and/or will be soon" are the ones who seem to think they have a crystal ball.

I'm making no such claim.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Hi I am sorry for your situation and you will get great advice from people that have experienced infidelity...

There is only one thing that I can tell you regarding your case and its that if she doesnt quit her job you cant work 100% on your marriage/reconciliation...

You can rationalize this however you want but in affairs where the AP is a coworker one of the first things to do is *quit the job* and *inform the HR* if necessary...Thats a proven fact !!!

Good Luck


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Bugz Bunny said:


> Hi I am sorry for your situation and you will get great advice from people that have experienced infidelity...
> 
> There is only one thing that I can tell you regarding your case and its that if she doesnt quit her job you cant work 100% on your marriage/reconciliation...
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Quoted for truth


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Rimis said:


> Let's just say I'm very tech savvy, and I've read badbane's thread on evidence gathering.


What if there is a place where they can regularly and freely meet in person, avoiding electronic communication altogether?


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I hope we haven't sounded like we're beating up on you.


Thanks for that, but no - I don't feel like I'm getting beat up on.  I knew what I was in for when I posted. The two close friends I've confided in have been reluctant to give direct advice (understandably), and my therapist is focused on helping me figure out what is already inside my head...

So I posted here expecting to get some direct/harsh advice. I appreciate all of it (even the ones that I have directly disagreed with).



walkonmars said:


> The likelihood of a successful R is improved when there are NO SECRETS between you. Total honesty. She can't undo what she did. She can't hurt you (not really) by revealing the details.


I've stressed that very point to her over and over again. I even sent her the below link a while ago and copy/pasted the part about why honesty is so important in the email.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38890-article-cheaters-how-rebuild-trust.html

I resent that to her several weeks later when she admitted she had still been lying about some things.

And yes, I'm starting to come around to the idea of contacting the OMW. The only way I have to contact her is via Facebook (I'm not friends w/ her, but I found her via his public friends list).

Friday night would be the best time, as the only way the AP could contact my WW over the weekend is via her iPhone, which I would know about. Or if they have some means of communicating I haven't found out about yet (doubtful, but I admit it is possible) she would most likely give it away by her reaction.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Rimis said:


> I don't think my case is special.
> 
> ....
> 
> I could argue that it's my life/wife, so I know better than a stranger on the internet. Neither of us knows for sure.


That's exactly what I meant, and that was exactly my attitude, too. Life has proven me wrong.

I hope you are right though in this case.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

Bugz Bunny said:


> in affairs where the AP is a coworker one of the first things to do is quit the job and inform the HR if necessary...*Thats a proven fact !!!*
> Good Luck


Oh, it's a proven fact? Well that changes everything... can you please direct me to this "proof", I'd greatly appreciate that.

Sarcasm aside, I appreciate the input.

As I've said already, if I dig in for the long haul, I will revisit this. I am not committed to reconciliation at this point. Too many lies for me to put all my eggs in that basket, but we also have too much history and too good of a life built together to put all my eggs in the divorce basket just yet.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm glad you are considering it. It's what (I hope) you would have wanted to know if someone else knew of your wife's affair no? 

And really, a man (or woman) can only take so much when it comes to knowing a the truth a little by little separated by days or even weeks. It's not healthy for either of you. Many have found it useful to have the WW write it down in detail. That way they have time to really dig and recall the events. Date, times, topics, etc. _including the names of anyone who knew or supported the affair_. You want to eliminate these people from your lives - regardless for their reasons for keeping her secrets. 

You don't have to read it all. But you will know if she was totally honest if you discover something and upon checking her narrative it isn't there. 

It's likely that the OM has set the stage at his home for your potential call. He may have told his wife one of several things:

1. the truth (unlikely)

2. one of his co-workers who he rarely sees has a jealous husband (you) who is making wild accusations, and for some unknown reason has it in his crazy mind that he (OM) is having an affair with his wife. (much more likely)

3. admit to texting only or some partial truth that can be viewed as innocent (more likely still)

Be prepared to refute. You might start by asking her if her husband has told her anything about your wife and you.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Rimis said:


> Oh, it's a proven fact? Well that changes everything... can you please direct me to this "proof", I'd greatly appreciate that.
> 
> Sarcasm aside, I appreciate the input.
> 
> As I've said already, if I dig in for the long haul, I will revisit this. I am not committed to reconciliation at this point. Too many lies for me to put all my eggs in that basket, but we also have too much history and too good of a life built together to put all my eggs in the divorce basket just yet.


Well if you are filing for divorce then its not necessary and its better not to do anything regarding her job because of financial reasons but if you decide to try and reconcile and she doesnt quit her job sarcasam aside the "proof" will be your Dday #2 ...

Good Luck


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

World-weary older woman chiming in to try to shame you into informing the OMW.

I'm very tired of the litany of justification for withholding absolutely vital information from people about their own lives. 

I actually think it's your duty as a decent human being to tell her. Why should all the people around her be making important decisions for her? It's either epically patronizing or just very self-interested, i.e., 'not my business.'

Completely independent of any decisions you make about your own marriage, it is the moral, honorable thing to do to inform the OMW. It is your conscience that should tell you to do that, not your calculus about whether it helps you.

And even if you can argue that 'she may not want to know,' that will be an excuse, because that is a judgment that you will never be able to test.

As my own world-weary mother would have said, "Who died and left you judge"? It's up to OMW to decide about her life, not you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rimis said:


> I My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point,


No, you NEED to tell OMW for two reasons - so she can help you VERIFY they are not contacting each other and because you have information that is vital to HER marriage and you're not sharing it.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point, and also I would feel guilty putting the OMW (who I don't know, and they live ~2 hours away) through what I was going through, especially since it all happened right before the holiday season.



by not telling omw you are helping him have an affair with your wife.and so what if its out of revenge?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I do kinda like your attitude bro.

I dont have the energy to give some impassioned speech on why you should listen, or preaching all the people who came in here singing this song your singing... Fine, fine.., benefit of the doubt, its going to be different this time. You know yourself and your wife better than any random clowns on the internet could possible know you. 

Anyway, I just want you to think about something.... 

It's an absolute my brother, inescapable truth. human behavior.... 

*It's the pleasure principle. *

People only engage in behaviors for 2 reasons. 

1 = too gain pleasure, 2 = too avoid pain. 

When a behavior potentially involves both, its a matter of which is stronger. 

Right now, she is getting unbelievable pleasure from her relationship, and memories (or fantasies) with OM (see info re; naturally occuring amphetamines released by brain/drugs/romantic love). 

Brain scan research shows that the brain has more activity when people are anticipating a reward than getting one, thinking about it, seeing it, coveting it. It is all around her Bro. She works with him. Memories of him and the clandestine make out sessions all about the office, sex in the store room, whatever.... 

Being in this enironment, HIS environment WITHOUT the distinct association of pain or fear attached to the thoughts of him causes a release of pleasure chemicals, followed by a withdrawl. a longing, a desire. This builds and builds for both of them... 

This constant exposure to a OM/OW will break one or both of them and gives you ZERO CHANCE of any real reconciliation.

The actual and perceived pain she is getting from you as a result of her action is much lower than the pleasure she's getting from him... 

you see? why would she stop? She won't. tjhey may figure out how to go underground, but they wont stop. On the contrary they may very well get deeper. You allow the actual and percieved pain to ratchet up (Expose, HARD BALL CONSEQUENCES) to a level even with or greater than the pleasure, the behavior will naturally STOP. 

*Your consequences aren't in the same ballpark as his rewards.*


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You have sent a clear message to the OM by not exposing this to his wife. The message is that there are no consequences to his actions for screwing your wife behind your back. The OM thinks he got away with it and that the husband (you) is weak and fearful to make a scence. No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change.

Have you and your wife been tested for STD's? I suggest talking with an attorney to understand your options and getting your ducks in a row just in case. If the roles were reversed would your wife be so forgiving as you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Rimis said:


> If I thought I could read her like an open book she would not have been able to have a 3+ month affair under my nose.
> 
> I don't think my case is special. I'm just not one of the folks that think EVERY affair is the same. Lots of posters here file for divorce and never look back. Lots of posters here have a second D-day. Some are years into reconciliation and still unsure. Some are years beyond and feel their marriage is stronger than they've ever been.
> 
> ...


Working together doesn't mean still having a physical affair. The point is that it reinforces the emotional component every time they see each other. Remember when you were in school and had crushes on a girl and your heart skipped everytime you saw her even though she did not know you were interested yet? Working together is constant reinforcement. If just thinking they might bump into each other. Its like a spark with a little wind.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

movin on said:


> My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point, and also I would feel guilty putting the OMW (who I don't know, and they live ~2 hours away) through what I was going through, especially since it all happened right before the holiday season.
> 
> 
> 
> by not telling omw you are helping him have an affair with your wife.and so what if its out of revenge?


Could someone PLEASE tell me what is wrong with getting revenge on a man that nailed your wife. I think its just a lack of balls. This line of reasoning is why the wife looses respect.

If a guy came up and pinched your wifes nipple what would you do?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

chapparal said:


> *Could someone PLEASE tell me what is wrong with getting revenge on a man that nailed your wife.* I think its just a lack of balls. This line of reasoning is why the wife looses respect.
> 
> If a guy came up and pinched your wifes nipple what would you do?


Wish I could like this more than once. You don't even have to call it revenge though. You can call it the reckoning. 

(gotta love the Tombstone quotes)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Could someone PLEASE tell me what is wrong with getting revenge on a man that nailed your wife.


Dr Phill said it's wrong - Oprah agrees. 'nuff said


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

Rimis, it seems you're shooting down every valid piece of advice the posters are giving you- from NC to exposure. you think your sitch is so unique..... son, you better get a grip.

sure, they don't have to be in an affair while working together, but it makes it that much more difficult to reconcile when her addiction is in the same building. just knowing that he's in the same building is enough. the chances of restarting the affair while being in such close proximity is too great to ignore. are you _really _ok with that?

furthermore, you're sidestepping the issue of exposing this to OMW. keeping this information to yourself sounds very selfish to me. you don't want to "cause any waves" for yourself, at the expense of this woman's trusting nature. can you seriously live with yourself knowing what you know..... keeping this woman in total darkness concerning the true state of her marriage? you are protecting both of these cheaters by not following through with the basics in "affair-busting."

this is not the ideal way to "affair-proof" your marriage, especially after you've been burned once already.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I exposed the POS anonymously. Wife kicked him out within a week, not sure if it would work in your situation. IMO, you should file D. That might wake her up, if not, just move on. Think about living your life without trust, I've done it and I think it's much worse than D, as hard as that is.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

chapparal said:


> If a guy came up and pinched your wifes nipple what would you do?


The picture of that in my head made me spit my coffee. :rofl:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I Cant even begin to tell you how impossible it is for your w to continue working with him. My H did it for 3 mos. It was miserable and he didnt even BEGIN to come out of it. He still pined for her, still looked for opportunities to speak with her, to interact via text or email. NC is the ONLY way to save your marriage and that means she leaves that job just like every other successful ws. Its her sacrifice. My WH had to give up 11yrs at his company. He'd worked his way up pretty well...too bad. Should have thought of that before he started pissing where he ate. Its a shame she put you in this position finacially but divorces arent cheap either.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Rimis said:


> I know most here won't agree with that - but I'm the one that has to live with making that choice, and I don't want to spend the 50% of my son's life going forward where I'm not with him doubting my decision.


I think what people are pointing out is that you current tactics don't get you to that goal. Her staying at her job, the lack of consequences, failure to expose - they all work against your stated goal. If you are going to try (and I commend you for doing that), do it the right way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> The picture of that in my head made me spit my coffee. :rofl:


Sometimes this wimpy sh!t just make me want to explode. 

Being raised in an earlier time, disrespect was immediately dealt with.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Dude, this isn’t over by a long shot.

Affairs are like drug addictions, she may go cold turkey for a little while but rest assured the minute he goes “fishing” she will take the bait. She is still romanticizing the affair which means she still views him as a lost love or forbidden fruit. That makes her extremely vulnerable to a relapse back into the A.

Until she either hates the OM or is at least indifferent you are not going to successfully reconcile, not with her heart thinking about the OM. She only stopped the A because she got caught, not because she wanted to.

For the love of Isis, tell the OMW ASAP. That alone will help discourage him fishing for your WW later and maybe he’ll leave his job.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Rimis,

You are refusing to act on any option that either requires work, requires risk, or requires you taking a hard stance.

Examples: You won't expose the affair, not even to the OMW

You won't make you wife quit the job that has enabled the affair and has continued to enable the affair.

You've put up with continued contact without any consequences when you found out repeatedly that contact was broken - even broken so far as to her being in his car - want to bet what they were doing there? 
1. More PA stuff, 
2. Plans to do this underground. 
3. plans on what to do if OMW found out. 
4. Plans on how your wife can dissuade you from exposing to OMW.
5. ALL OF THE ABOVE.

- You haven't deployed VARs in her car
- You haven't even tracked down OMW's real address and phone number

Instead of action you've chosen hope and words to plead with your wife to stop lying to you, even though she continues to lie. 

From your wife's view point
- She now knows she can have a full on PA without any consequences. None. Not even a real threat of divorce.

- She knows she can trickle truth,lie, break NC, and even hang with the guy in his car - with ZERO consequences. none.

- She knows you view her job as more important the marriage.

btw - If your wife is in the one and only place she can work and do her job then you have a big long term problem because what happens when that company or job goes away? She'll be unable to every find another job - because that is what you are saying right now - this company and job is the ONLY place she could possibly work, and leaving it is impossible.

Sir you compromise far far too easily and I predict this will be your undoing because that will turn you into a doormat. 

It's easy to smooth things over via compromise. It's easy to avoid conflict by not telling the OMW, or posting the OM on cheaterville, and it's easy to have you wife stay in the same job and promise not to lie and not to cheat and not to have sex with another man.

The problem is that easy won't save your marriage.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

I suspect that Rimis fears the potential of the OM becoming a free agent once his wife is informed. Is this the case Rimis? Be honest with yourself.

T


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Rimis,

In regards to her employment. She needs to start reaching out to recruiters right now and send them her updated resume. 

I spent a good portion of my professional career as a headhunter and recruiter and it approached correctly she should be able to make more $$$ at the next job she is offered unless it is a diminishing field.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Rimis said:


> If I thought I could read her like an open book she would not have been able to have a 3+ month affair under my nose.
> 
> I don't think my case is special. I'm just not one of the folks that think EVERY affair is the same. Lots of posters here file for divorce and never look back. Lots of posters here have a second D-day. Some are years into reconciliation and still unsure. Some are years beyond and feel their marriage is stronger than they've ever been.
> 
> ...


I hate to tell you this the odds are really are in our favor of being right. You are also assuming you know your wife. You are wrong that person is gone. She was very good at lieing to you the man she comitted her life to foresaking all others. Even after you caught her she saw him again. No you do not know this woman.

You are like most of us that have been down this road. Most of us would not acknowledge our marriage was dead our WS had killed it.

What you need to acknowledge is she is starting from square one in rebuilding trust and you are at square one building a new marriage. The old one is dead. 

You may be tech savey but you cannot know what they do at work or what they are doing on internal phones. You are trusting that the rattle snake that bit you will not do it again.

Not smart. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you R most of us here hope that as well. We just want you not to make the mistakes that we made.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

Ok, either I am not communicating clearly, or the vast majority of you are not actually reading what I am writing.

So let me clear a few things up:
*I DO NOT TRUST MY WIFE
*I recognize our "old" marriage is dead an a new one must be rebuilt if we are to reconcile. I have told her these exact words.
*I have discussed my options with my lawyer. My wife knows this.
*I am leaning towards divorce at this point, but need to be sure so I have no regrets.
*My wife leaving her job would mean a decrease in pay, and would likely result in me paying her alimony if we get divorced anytime in the next year or two.
*Her AP is only in the office 1-2 times a month, and they don't work "together" and while having the affair jumped through many hoops to avoid anyone at work being suspicious, so it is not a free-for-all-playground there (this is not info from her, but from their earlier emails to one another that I have read).
*I have done plenty of intel gathering, and continue to do so via various methods that do NOT rely on believing anything she says to me.

That's all I'm going to say for now, other than to say I plan on contacting the OMW over the weekend.

You may now resume telling me what I do and don't know, what my wife is and isn't doing, and how I'm such a whipped non-alpha man who should be more like the good old boys in Kentucky.

Thanks


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

snap said:


> What if there is a place where they can regularly and freely meet in person, avoiding electronic communication altogether?


Umm, you mean like work?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Rimis said:


> Ok, either I am not communicating clearly, or the vast majority of you are not actually reading what I am writing.
> 
> So let me clear a few things up:
> *I DO NOT TRUST MY WIFE
> ...


Ok good if you can let us know what she says.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Could someone PLEASE tell me what is wrong with getting revenge on a man that nailed your wife. I think its just a lack of balls. This line of reasoning is why the wife looses respect.
> 
> If a guy came up and pinched your wifes nipple what would you do?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

OP, you might want to rent the movie 'Revenge' with Kevin Costner and Anthony Quinn to see what real revenge is like.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Excuse me for being late to the party. I've skimmed the thread and this is what I see:

"I just think that if we get divorced, I owe it to myself and my son to be able to look back and say "I tried to make it work."

Not that I disagree with this approach but as you are now wavering with the whole divorce idea, you have to ask yourself if sex outside the marriage is a deal breaker for you. You also have to remove all other considerations about your child because if you go down the R road BECAUSE of your child, chances are that you'll ALWAYS harbor some HUGE resentment for what your wife has done.

I also found this a bit telling:

"Her AP is only in the office 1-2 times a month, and they don't work "together" and while having the affair jumped through many hoops to avoid anyone at work being suspicious, so it is not a free-for-all-playground there (this is not info from her, but from their earlier emails to one another that I have read)"

This is an illustration of the LENGTHS your WIFE went to to be UNFAITHFUL to YOU! Does it matter whether they slept together a hundred times at work because it's easy going there or three times where they employed all sorts of smoke and mirrors to make it happen? 

Personally, the level of deceit that they actually went to so that this could happen is very telling to me about your wife's character.

Then again, it is your decision and I wish you well with it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's nothing wrong with trying to make it work before you leave a marriage.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Rimis said:


> Ok, either I am not communicating clearly, or the vast majority of you are not actually reading what I am writing.
> 
> So let me clear a few things up:
> *I DO NOT TRUST MY WIFE
> ...


So then what are you asking us for? Why are you here? What are you looking for in posting this? Youre telling us what youre gonna do, which is fine, but why are you here arguing with everyone then if your mind is made up as to how youre gonna handle it all?

Secondly, you can say they dont work "together" but the fact is they worked "together" enough to decide that they wanted to sleep together.....


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Rimis said:


> That's all I'm going to say for now, other than to say I plan on contacting the OMW over the weekend.


Good decision. 

Regardless of what you decide to do later, You won't regret it. This will leave all your options open, and it's the right thing to do. Win-Win.

But if you hear nothing else... please take our word for this, your about to board a rediculous roller coaster. Your feelings and what 'you want' are going to be all over the place. Your going to flip-flop a lot.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Most likely they are still very much communicating at work. They don't have to be close to each other to use the companies phones, emails, or instant messenger without you ever knowing. Your wife, and the AP are very much into each other to continue after getting caught initially, they're just being careful right now. I am a cheater who had an affair with someone from work.... continued after I got transferred too.... to another state, a whole bunch can be done just through communication at work, i won't go int details, but way to easy without detection.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And yet despite the difficulties they met, courted, and hooked up. I'd say that work isn't affair hindering in the least.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Wilfully obtuse. Don't say no one tried to warn you chuckles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Many years ago when a young man, I saw an acquaintance of mine's gf in a shopping center with some other bloke, and they obviously weren't just friends. I told matt, and in the end he stopped talking to
me and told other friends I was just trying to ruin his relationship. 2 years later, engaged and close to being married, he
unravelled her serial cheater history. Wilfully obtuse. Op reminds.me of my old friend matt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you figured out why she is having an affair?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Guys, this one is not fogged. I think he is keeping a closer eye on her then he said even at work.
That's how he caught them in the parking lot.
In fact, I get a lot of ruthlessness from his post.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

dead thread,i know.but op is still active just wondered how he is doing.


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