# hate being single mum



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Can someone tell me how anything at all is BETTER for the kids when one person who has been a totally functional parent opts out because they 'can't do it' anymore? 

What do you do as a single parent when you just feel like YOU 'can't do it'????

To top it all off I have to take my kids to the airport to go on a holiday tomorrow and I have to fill in the forms for unaccompanied minor travelling alone - when I SHOULD BE TRAVELLING WITH THEM - they are my kids 

I hate this


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I understand. It's stories like this why I am trying to save my marriage. Yet my wife is the one trying to act single again.. Ignoring her kids.. Being selfish.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Why don't they read this stuff really THINK about it _before _they check out? How is this loving your kids - who wrote the book that said it is okay to put yourself before your kids...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

3leafclover
thank you for such a long reply and for the words of encouragement. 

you are going through a rough time - no contact - either with you or your son - that's brutal - you will both be feeling bereft and betrayed - I am glad that you have eachother - in your heart you know that you are his stability, his home - no easier to bear the loss you both have though.

I know I will make it precisely because I DO HAVE to - 

partners can only check out becasue they KNOW that their partners will stay checked in - 

on another note I don't think the research has really been done that proves that separating is better for the kids - I am sure when things are really toxic it is better 

I/we didn't have a loveless marriage - far from it 

He just thinks it didn't have the right sort of love 
(WTF that means) 

my kids were shocked when my H told them 'we weren't getting on' ( a lie as well) 

my younger kid who is the sh** detector said "how come you and mum were best friends last week and now you are leaving?"

Something I also hate is the term co-parenting 

IMO you are co-parenting when you are together -

parenting apart is nothing more than negotiated parenting -

SHARING this beautiful valuable wonderful job is no longer.

my H. wept the night before he left saying he wouldn't enjoy the kids without me.

Some of the only honest words he ever spoke to me. 

IDIOT


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know....singleness with kids. Especially in the way and reason that we have been left? For what reason? Tell me why? I don't understand? Is that it? Questions I still have.

The fact remains that WE have no choice but to let them go. Go be free and find your dreams! WHATEVER....selfish bast.....

You will hang in there and hopefully carve out some time for yourself when your H has the kids. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Eventually, our H's will want us back. Maybe along time from now. In these circumstances like ours....they will regret it. My H doesn't know any better. He's been with me for his entire adulthood. He will find out. The fact is...we didn't do anything so detrimental to our marriage that we deserved this.....I go over this time and time again.

Unanswered questions. Unanswered prayers? Maybe.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I agree with you all. Seriously was there an expiration date on the birth certificates as well as the marriage license. I don't understand walking away from your kids. My H says "I didn't walk away from them I walked away from you". Well dumbass how do you think they see it? Are you living with them anymore? They will say my daddy left. Why because that's what he did! I had a hard time this morning getting both kids ready for school (for the first time cause they are both in school now.) My H graced us with his presence to walk our son to his new classroom. Yippee. You know what my daughter said to me? Oh great daddy came here for (blank) first day of school, but not mine. She started a week earlier. He didn't show up for her, his excuse I was too tired to get up. Well Mother F*@$*#% I am tired too!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

At my meeting today with my husband...I mentioned that I am the mom. "If for some reason you can't have her for a day or two during YOUR week, then I will keep her." "I want all the time that I can get." This was a response to him having to go out of town during his week and saying he would leave her at his parents...if he had to. 

I already am getting jipped from parenting my child the last few years of her teenhood. Grrr


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

"If for some reason you can't have her for a day or two during YOUR week said:


> I have said the same thing to my H. How weird is it to have to say this about YOUR OWN KIDS?????
> 
> It is like when you go into this separation space you speak civilly and politely but it is all in this demented space....
> 
> WRONG - it is just WRONG


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

What happened to values?? What happened to better or worse?? Why are vows only god when the going is good?? My marriage has been a strain for most of it but I hve never ONCE thought about putting her out on the street. My kids need er part everyday. Even as little as she offers. To know there mom is here is like a safety net. They need me everyday. Even more with my wife not a big help daily. I would never want to see a marriage stay for the kids alone but you should work harder for them. I am trying to make myself better.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

3leafclover said:


> "Co-parenting" is more a legalese word than anything, I think. It goes hand in hand with "facilitating the child's relationship with the other parent".
> 
> edited to add:
> By the way, I totally agree on the research issue. Not enough has been done, and what has been done so far seems to overwhelmingly show that the opposite is true...that divorce has long-term, negative effects on the children, but that certain things (like having good relationships with grandparents, etc.) can lessen those effects in the long run.


3leaf I live in Australia and the term here and the government /legal term is _Shared Parenting_ - even worse I think!
It drives me crazy when I get these glossy brochures from them with pictures of happy smiling folk and heartfelt testimonials as to how great _Shared Parenting_ is...and the 'unexpected' benefits for kids.

It is based on this dumb idea that splitting means that kids get 2 of everything !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! variety. diversity..........

IT IS SO DUMB PATRONSIING AND CONDESCENDING -

My kids are blessed with wonderful extended families on both my H's side and my side and yes I have read that this is great in any family crisis/dysfunctional situation 

I am so angry about this stuff I am concerned that it really gets in the way of me actually reaching a place where I can have a productive relationship with ex about parenting.

But then I don't know - how do you share this stuff without it being so personal ?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You have every reason to be angry. It's hard to come to to terms with any of this senseless behavior. 

Cowardly. That is my word today. Describes my H to a T.

What is your next step knortoh. How long do you live separately? What are the conditions of your separation.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> What is your next step knortoh. How long do you live separately? What are the conditions of your separation.



Ohhhh ummm CW my current step is called 'sitting on my hands'.

Conditions of Separation? - none at present. - because he did this by stealth and COWARDLINESS - 

We have 'no fault' divorce here - you need to be living apart for at least 1 year before you can apply for divorce - but it is quite common for people not to divorce - just stay separated.

I am sitting on my hands because of two things.

Major financial concerns. 

1. Neither my H or I are materialistic. We started late in life financially. At present our incomes are still completely joined - we have both always been 'easy going' about money.

2. We have a big mortgage that was hard enough to service when we were together.

3. I have worked part time and been primary caregiver - H earns (at least) twice as much money as me. 

4. Over the last couple of years as things have been going sour for my H. he has been less and less responsible/caring with money - 

5. When the sh** hit the fan last year was beside myself stressed about this - 

let me digress briefly (it's a bike thing)
For my H.s 40th birthday last year I decided I would buy him a bike. Although we didn't have a lot of money I had some savings - I spoke to a friend of his (who is into biking) and decided there was a way that I could choose a bike and pay it off. However I was concerned about getting the 'right' bike.

Now CW, from the minute I told my H that I was buying a bike for his birthday he took over. HE went to the shop alone, chose a much more expensive bike than I was going to give AND put it on the credit card - he effectively took me out of the whole gift giving process - I WAS SO HURT I COULDN"T EVEN LOOK AT THE BIKE WHEN HE BROUGHT IT HOME. 

6 .Anyway - 40th birthday bike took our credit card bill up to $20,000. (the limit). 



7. On our current joint income there is not enough money coming in to fund two households even if we sell house it will be tight.

8. I have been pretty unwell last few months with depression - (never had it before) and so unable to work 'more'. 

9. I am just coming out from this I think and have just got another job - (last week) to supplement my income 

10. I can't afford to take mortgage over - and need his help -

11. He has AVOIDED all practical steps to sorting out separation. - Hasn't seen a solicitor, hasn't seen an accountant, hasn't conacted any of the govt. agencies about child support - 

12. About 6 weeks ago I asked him how he saw things being sorted financially - he came back and said 
"you can have the house" 
"I'll pay whatever child support I have to - 

13. that was the extent of his negotiations - he just wants to walk away.

14. I got back to him and said "thanks but I can't afford house" 
H. - "we'll have to make some difficult decisions"
Me - " If you are talking about selling house it is not a decision for me - it's a consequence"

Since then nothing - I am in the house - he is renting and living off the credit card - he is getting pretty stressed about this ( He hasn't said but I can just imagine) 

So I am sitting on my hands because i have decided that I want to keep the house and the only way that I can is with his help. 

I don't think he will want to give that help because it is all too much for him - he really just wants to walk away.

He seems happier to have the kids live in rental properties for the rest of their childhoods than work out a way to help me give them some stability - too difficult - too confronting - too much negotiation (what he can't won't do ) needed.

So I have finally made a decsion to TRY fo rmyslef for teh kids and for him really to try and keep the house - that is why I have another job and am working with accountant etc.

H is just waiting for me to sell the house.

He is such an IDIOT with pratical matters that he emailed me the other day asking if I had put it on the market 

(This is without his signature or any discussion) - I just said No. (politely) 


So my next move - working behind the scenes to come up with a plan to keep house 

Whatever the resolution _ I _will have to work it out - but at least now I am thinking of what _I _want - it has taken me 11 months to get beyond the thought 
_"I don't want any of this"_ 

My biggest fear is he will quickly flip and demand we sell the house - but as I see it thsi can only happen 

when _he_ is ready to go to bank, sign papers , see esate agent, or sign the house over to me and tell kids they have to move - '

DEEDS not WORDS -

until then I turn the fact that he AVOIDS things to my advantage - hoping I can get a few months at least out of this tactic.....

sorry if this was TMI

it's complicated and I really had to think about it to even write it.....

haven't even talked about kids or emotianl stuff will save that for another post!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It so difficult "sitting on your hands." Plus...they end up going numb.

It sounds like you are coming to the point that if something is going to get done...it will all be up to you. Difficult choices here.

Just know that if you end up leaving the house for something that you can afford on your own (with child support) then YOU will be in control. Plus, you can work your way up to home ownership again. You are an intelligent woman going through a difficult time. What you have been thrown is selfish and unfair....it sucks.

So...is he helping with any of the bills? 

The bike story was hard to read. How selfish, again, was that? Incredible. I get to where I HATE bikes! It represents his obsessiveness during our difficult times. The one thing that he could talk to me about was his bike riding/racing (how far/how fast/next race/new components needed). This was multiple time daily. I thought "you are a selfish man to only talk about your world." I told him one day..."no more bike talk...it makes me wanna puke!" He still tried....but caught himself. Just a way for him to escpape from reality. When I read my own writing here...I thought what an azz. Do I really want someone who is THAT emotionally unavailable?

Thanks for sharing the details. I know it's scary and confusing and mind blowing. How did I get here?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CW

I know! sitting on your hands is a short term option and an uncomfortable one at that!

I am working behind the scenes to try and work out an alternate game plan....

It all takes time and I wish I had the money to hand it all over to lawyers. 

Highly likely I will end up having to agree to sell house - if it comes to this I'll accept it and find the best rental that I can for myself and boys. 

A big problem for me has been that my H is a 'petulant boy' with this stuff.

My counsellor and I are working on ways to access his 'adult' brain 

Part of sitting on my hands is (hoping against hope) that the responsible part will take over...and productive negotiations will follow... (yeah right!) 

It will be me that sorts it out and he will forever resent me for it. 

Your H sounds way more reasonable with this stuff at least -

But is filling his life up with road racing - 

But what is it that he wants to avoid/ not deal with?

Do you know what is going on with him really?

Do you care anymore?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are smart and patient. Good luck on accessing the "adult" brain (too funny). Sometimes I wonder if a brain is involved...

My H is reasonable. The one thing that is big on his mind is "taking care" of me. He feels after 24 years that I deserve what I get. Don't get me wrong he wants to be "fair" with himself as well. 

My H is avoiding the reasons for his unhappiness and depression. He feels it is me and our marriage. He hasn't really been any more happy since he left. Proof right? No...now he has to divorce me as since he hasn't cleared me away and he's still unhappy then that must be it. I need to divorce. I have to divorce to be happy. 

My H is a nice guy but I find that he may feel a bit inferior (someone else on the forum brought this to my attention). He is successful, smart and attractive why feel inferior. Good question? Plus add midlife and a few crisis within the last year. He's clearly running away from his feelings. Doesn't want to deal with life. Wants to be free. 

I will always care. I care for people that I don't know. I will care for him. I can't do the work. I can't make him love me. I can't make him love himself. This is his job. I have no regrets in my actions...I've dealt with things and tried it all. I have peace. 

I have that you are able to have peace or at least peaceful moments. Do you have a good support system?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> You are smart and patient. Good luck on accessing the "adult" brain (too funny). Sometimes I wonder if a brain is involved...
> 
> 
> My H is avoiding the reasons for his unhappiness and depression. He feels it is me and our marriage. He hasn't really been any more happy since he left. Proof right? No...now he has to divorce me as since he hasn't cleared me away and he's still unhappy then that must be it. I need to divorce. I have to divorce to be happy.
> ...



WOW I hadn't seen it like that - Divorce to be happy - he's going the whole deal isn't he? Probably has some inverse idea that he is setting you free/being clear/straight/responsible????

When you say inferior to mean to YOU? 

When my H first left - after his early sessions with his counsellor he said that he had always looked up to me 

and some of my friends and family have said that they had thought that he 'adored' me 

his sister also really unerved me once by saying how he was really very naive with emotional stuff and that I am very smart....

I am beginning to think that he never saw me as an equal.

I always loved him. I thought we complemented eachother - 

I respected his opinions, his life story, who he was - 

I never felt better than him in anyway and in fact over the last few years I have felt 'less' than him in many ways -

which isn't ideal is it? 

my H is also successful in his chosen career, attractive to men and women (unusual for a woman young or old not to like him) 
and smart and gentle and kind - so many great things going on for him....


You know CW, like you I think I will find peace - because that is what I want 

It aint my fault - 

and at the end of the day we don't have control over the world - only over ourselves.

Am feeling philosophical and so wil leave you with a quote from Salman Rushdie

"Our lives teach us who we are" 

(still hate being a single mum though!!!!!!!!!!!)


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Rushdie is right! However, you have reason to hate being a single mum...it really wasn't meant to be that way.

I think my H feels inferior to ME. He has made the comments of how great, nice, perfect, I am. He's said many times..."my parents love you more than me. My sister loves you more than me." Sometimes it was lighthearted.(to express the point of how much his family loved me). But after awhile I started to think...."he's serious." Of course I countered.."no they don't...you're there son/brother and you're a great person." Hmmmm. Even with his best friend...my H would say.."Cameron loves you. I think he's marry you if I was out of the picture! (of course I took this as telling how fond his BF was of me). Weird huh? As I put the pieces together. 

I don't think my H is comfortable with himself inside. The kind of person he is. He knows he is giving and kind and liked. Still inside he feels inferior. 

I also...never put him down or made him feel like I was superior. What was I suppose to do ....quit being nice?

I almost feel that we have them figured out to a T. Not totally but wow we have insight. They are too busy to do this. They avoid this. Nothing changed.

Knortoh you will have peace eventually. Bit by bit. Living through this is when people like us gather strength. It sucks but we become more powerful.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> I think my H feels inferior to ME. He's said many times..."my parents love you more than me. My sister loves you more than me." Sometimes it was lighthearted.(to express the point of how much his family loved me). But after awhile I started to think...."he's serious." Of course I countered.."no they don't...you're there son/brother and you're a great person." Hmmmm.



CW this is blowing my mind a bit -
my H used to say to me that his dad loved me more than him - it was an on-going joke at our place 

I think he knew it wasn't true /reasonable/ ....but I guess now I can see that perhaps it bothered him 

[/QUOTE]Even with his best friend...my H would say.."Cameron loves you. I think he'd marry you if I was out of the picture! (of course I took this as telling how fond his BF was of me). Weird huh? [/QUOTE] 

I am not sure that my H has a bf in the way that some guys have - but one of my H's good friends ( he & his wife were the witnesses at our wedding) does appreciate me ....

when J left the first time he just kept on saying to him 
"go home" - which he eventually did....

I was talking to this friends wife the other day ( we are very close friends) and she said that when J left her H was upset because he felt that J. couldn't see how lucky he was to be loved by 'someone like me'. 

A fallout of this is that this friend and J no longer see eachother - 
J's friend is just too angry at him for doing this to me and the kids - 

[/QUOTE] I don't think my H is comfortable with himself inside. The kind of person he is. He knows he is giving and kind and liked. Still inside he feels inferior. [/QUOTE] 

ok this sounds familiar - I also think that my H has a very harsh critic inside him - 

and he has a lot (from his childhood and adolesence to feel bad about) 

it is like this weird inverse thing though - 

establishes VERY productive relationships with women outside of his core relationship and is unable to be honest, genuine, really 'there' with me. 

I can just imagine the tea and sympathy that he attracts at his workplace where he is the much adored Boss of a largely female
workforce - 

even he acknowledges that he began to feel differently about me when he started working in this role ...

I know that the OW is big on saying 'poor J' which was my catch -cry for so many years ....

she too will think that she can heal him - make it right - help him see what a great guy he is - 

[/QUOTE]I almost feel that we have them figured out to a T. Not totally but wow we have insight. They are too busy to do this. They avoid this. [/QUOTE]


YES avoidance is their MO - especially the difficult things in life..

One difference I think between our situations though is that my H is FULL of resentment for me 

he hates that he has never been able to find his own 'power' with me - 

that he hasn't felt like the 'adult' with me 

leaving me makes him feel this I am sure - 

what he doesn't (and perhaps never will) see is that I still have to deal with his immaturity - nothing has changed on that score - 

I can see now that when my H has been feeling 'bad' in our relationship he has reverted to that adolescent state - the petualnt teenager with a domineering mother - 

he either digs his heels in and goes ahead and does stuff (baseball every Sunday and now biking) 

or defers to me and resents me forever - 

what a mess.

thank you so so much for sharing - I do feel as though your H will come to his senses a lot quicker than mine - 

I suspect J will 'talk' to me - but it won't be for a very long long time -

I'll be in a different place by then -

I am trying to work out what all of this IS teaching me about myself ....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

OH my we are married to brothers! haha

Basically, we are with emotionally insecure spouses that are searching for something outside of the marriage. You H was pulled out by an affair. My H was pushed out because of the "grass is greener" symdrome. 

Oh well. The realize it sooner or later. I think my H already is bit by bit.


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