# Counseling Not Working



## jbvolley (Apr 14, 2012)

After not even two years of marriage (5 years total together), we've now been going to counseling for about 5 months and it seems as though things are getting worse.

The therapist saw us for about 2 months in joint sessions and then asked to see us individually. One week we'll have a joint session and the next week we each have our own appointment. 

I feel like I am making great progress on dealing with some past hurts and family issues but the stronger I feel, the worse our relationship seems to get.

My husband's favorite tactic is the silent treatment and it feels as though I can't do or say anything without triggering something in him. The therapist tells me that our relationship is pulling a lot of things to the surface for him and he's trying to deal with it. Of course she doesn't share any details other than what we discuss in joint sessions and he doesn't share much there. I find myself wondering if he really is talking with her and if he is working things out because he tells me nothing.

I've been trying for two years now to find a way that I can be honest in this relationship but yet not trigger a silent treatment. I've become so ingrained in my expectations of getting shut out that I filter everything I say and do and that makes me miserable. Twice now, I've said something in counseling that has led to 3 days of silence once and 4 days the next. Four days of silence for expressing my feelings. 

Problem is that my issue is that I was taught as a child to stuff my feelings and had to justify any emotion that I had. He reinforces every horrible feeling I had as a child - being dismissed and told that it was something that I did wrong to cause my bad feelings. It really is true that marriage forces us to work out things from our past that we previously chose to ignore!

My dilemma is that I'm tired of living like this. I no longer want to do things with him for fear that something will upset him and he will shut down. Even if we are having a good time - I find myself watching for the signs that something is going to set him off, he'll tell me it's time to leave and then I am back on the rollercoaster working on the best way to respond to his withdraw.

I don't want to go through all the work of separating and divorcing and I'm also worried about what will happen to him. Even though we are both in our 40s and he lived alone for 10 years before I met him, he has no means to take care of himself. I am financially responsible for everything and the house and car are all in my name. 

Every so often he'll make these little gestures that says he is trying but they just don't hold up to the constant pain of this relationship being so fake and fragile. He is very eager to go to the counseling and part of me believes that he does want to heal his hurts but I don't know how much I should continue to endure this life waiting to see if he can learn to open up.

I really like the counselor and I do trust her. I've tried a couple and she is the first that has helped me find ways to change the things that are bothering me and not just have me talk about them. There are times that I get the perception that she is even perplexed by my husband. He will sit in sessions and take forever to get a thought out. 

The thought that I can't get out of my head is that maybe we really just don't work. I care about him and I'd love to be able to spend an evening relaxed and enjoying the company of my husband but right now - I don't see that happening. I don't know if it's what he does or what I do but it's where I'm at. So that keeps leading me back to we are a bad match. 

Now I just have to figure out how to tell him this. The separation discussion has always occurred in the heat of an argument. I think I'm ready to start the discussion for real and that terrifies me. I guess I'm just looking for a little support.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

What does your counselor say about these feelings you are having? If you have been going to counseling and it has helped you, why don't you think it is helping your husband? Bringing these concerns to your counselor and asking her to be a guide in the process of clearly communicating to your husband where you are at seems like a good option to break through the impasse. He may not know that these are the true feelings you have deep down inside. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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