# Do you call the Cops?



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

So here's the question... 

Your marriage is basically over. You are awaiting DNA test results from a kid who is 50/50 yours (Should have the results next week, btw). Your BPD wife (undiagnosed) is most likely cheating or at the very least, is lying to everyone she knows about her lifestyle... hence the divorce being fast tracked! 

So, 2 options: the kid is yours. Or the kid isn't. If the kid ends up being yours, that's more messy. If it's not, it's just a clean break.

With the kid being yours, let's say that wife is off the rails screaming, yelling, and starting to throw your stuff in the trast etc. Do you call the cops about it? If you do, it would cement your 100% status with the baby right? It's a low blow, dirty no doubt, but could be a huge win with an arrest on her record of DV. (my state is basically a DV State where if anyone even threatens harm, they go to jail.)

Should I call the cops? I luckly recorded the entire exchange.

Let me know what you would do.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Never. Call. The cops.

...unless someone is in serious danger of bodily harm or an actual crime is being committed. 

Trust me, you DO NOT want to involve the authorities unless truly necessary. You are trying to manipulate the system with trumped up DV charges so Family Services will lean in your favor on child custody issues. Bad idea... it can backfire in you in ways you can't even fathom. YOU could be the one being carted off to jail because your wife sounds wacky enough to turn the tables on you.

If the situation is that volatile, just stay the hell away from her. And plan on recording every interaction you have with her in case the police do get involved.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Being an ex cop, I have never seen the "Family Services" side... just the arrest side. I have a buddy in my town, whose wife has done just what I talked about above, and he is now been arrested 7 times, and will never see his 3 kids again.

It was just a thought to stay ahead. She is a violent woman, but pretty small Thai girl, so I'm not really afraid of her, even if she can "hurt" me, or damage stuff.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

How old is the kid in question?

If you have bonded with a child thats older say 5 yrs or so then it might be tough to cut ties with him because of paternity.

If its a9 baby and she put your name as the father on the birth certificate you might still be on the hook for suport.

There are many cases where this happens to nd the court is relucant to change it even with dna proof. Unless you can track down the biolgical father nd sue him it might be an uphill battle.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@MrNightly, 

As an ex-cop you would know that there are LOTS of systems in place for abused women (shelters, legal help, etc. etc. ) and there are quite literally laws on the women's side of any domestic disturbance. There is little or nothing in place for an abused man (no shelters. no legal help, etc.) and there are NO laws on the books to protect a man from a woman. 

Thus chances are about 80/20 that you would call the cops on her, show whoever arrived (male or female cop) the video, and you would be the one arrested. I mean, there is the occasional instance when it's clear that they were both going at it that the cops won't take one in....and there is the very rare occasion that the dude has a black eye and broken arm, and she's arrested. But really? I think the perception is that the 250 lb. guy can defend himself against the 125 lb. woman clearly the angry one, so what did he do to make her so mad? 

I would 100% advise against calling the police.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> So, 2 options: the kid is yours. Or the kid isn't. If the kid ends up being yours, that's more messy. If it's not, it's just a clean break.


So how old is this “kid” by the way? 

Oh, Christ just forget it. I don’t want to know any more than I do already.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Haiku said:


> So how old is this “kid” by the way?
> 
> Oh, Christ just forget it. I don’t want to know any more than I do already.


6 months old.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @MrNightly,
> 
> As an ex-cop you would know that there are LOTS of systems in place for abused women (shelters, legal help, etc. etc. ) and there are quite literally laws on the women's side of any domestic disturbance. There is little or nothing in place for an abused man (no shelters. no legal help, etc.) and there are NO laws on the books to protect a man from a woman.
> 
> ...


I see. However, my city has "Mandatory Arrest" for a DV call. If there is proof that one threatened or damaged property, or whatnot, there will be an arrest. They dont care who did it, someone is going to jail.

That being said, it does complicate it. Unless she is breaking my stuff, or physically hitting me, I'll let this slide until the divorce is final.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> @MrNightly,
> 
> As an ex-cop you would know that there are LOTS of systems in place for abused women (shelters, legal help, etc. etc. ) and there are quite literally laws on the women's side of any domestic disturbance. There is little or nothing in place for an abused man (no shelters. no legal help, etc.) and there are NO laws on the books to protect a man from a woman.
> 
> ...


A harsh reality that feminists seem to never talk about. Same thing with having someone elses kid and telling your husband its his. You wont ever see these topics discussed on The View when they are talking about inequality.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MrNightly said:


> Being an ex cop, I have never seen the "Family Services" side... just the arrest side.


Well, here's what happened to me in a nutshell. My exH ended up clothes-lining me and begins strangling me on the stairs. The next door neighbor heard the struggle, first time I ever thanked God for thin townhouse walls, and called the police. We happened to live in a townhouse complex right across the street from the local police station. ExH was removed from the premises and taken to jail for 24 hrs. This happened sometime around midnight-1am. By 11am the next morning, I had a social worker sitting on my couch look me in the eyes and tell me if I ever let him back into the townhouse, she'd have my kids removed from my care for endangerment/unsafe environment.

If you decide to go the police route, be very, very sure.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hmm. Just where were you an x cop exactly seems like most of this you should know.
I have been doing this for 17 years and will be the first to point out that further involvement of the government into the split of a civil union is a terrible idea.

First off if you’re lying and caught you can be charged. You should know this

Second ,maybe not true for every jurisdiction , however the family courts here only look at abuse toward CHILDREN as cause to award sole custody. In other words you can beat the mother or father and be arrested several times but if child abuse wasn’t charged you still have rights to see the kids although they may be supervised. 

Third and let me be very clear about this point. When I am on scene my priorities are children then adult. Adults make choices and children have circumstances. As MJ Jean pointed out we are notifying dhs to come take a look at just about every case now a days. 

You don’t want this kind of involvement. Time to put the kiddo first if yours.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Solid advice all the way around.

Thank you folks! Very helpful.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> I see. However, my city has "Mandatory Arrest" for a DV call. If there is proof that one threatened or damaged property, or whatnot, there will be an arrest. They dont care who did it, someone is going to jail.
> 
> That being said, it does complicate it. Unless she is breaking my stuff, or physically hitting me, I'll let this slide until the divorce is final.


It's not true that there is no help, no shelters, etc for men who are victims of abuse. I've volunteered at places that provide help to men.. both counseling and shelters. It is true that there are more shelters for women who have children with them, then for men. The key is 'have children with them'. Few shelters will take either a man or a woman who is not accompanied by a child. Adults are more able to take care of themselves after all.

Just about every domestic abuse/violence organization provides counseling for both men and women who are victims of abuse. Call the national domestic violence help line. They can help you find local facilities in your area where you can get counseling. Even if you think you don't need counseling get it.. it builds the record that you have a concern.

Get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. If you can put some nanny cams around your home. Catcher her on video and voice being abusive. Whatever you do, do not yell or get physical with her. Let the recording do the talking. 

I know women who ended up charged with domestic violence because the men they were abusing got smart and got evidence.

Also, if the child was born while you were married to her, you are the child's legal father. The court will hold you responsible for the child no matter what the DNA test says.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Just my opinion - at every interaction I have had in this type of circumstance, the cops have not known how to handle it. On your say so, they will probably take her away. 

I think a better strategy is to say calmly, clearly and with a good heart that you can not and will not deal with her when she is out of control like that. Let her know that if she starts to get violent and out of control you will call the cops. You have to do this at a time when she is not upset. Meet her at a coffee shop and tell her. Tell her what you want is to be able to communicate with her. Show her some respect as the mother of your child even though she has not earned it. When the time comes that she starts to get wound up, remind her of what you told her. MOSt importantly, don't escalate or engage in her temper tantrum. That is, on a sick level, what she wants. It will work to your benefit (most likely) in the long run and you can know you aren't a vindictive @ss. 

What you are proposing is a no-win war for you, your ex and your child. Send her to jail and you have created an life long enemy out of the mother of your child. Make her an ally, and your life becomes a heck of a lot easier in the long run. You don't have to love her or admire her or be her friend.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What does your lawyer advise? That is what you should be doing.

100% I would be recording every interaction with her. I would set up video cameras if possible within the home if she is coming over.

I would call the police under certain circumstances. If she threatened suicide or made a credible threat of violence against someone else.

If she starts a physical altercation and if you have it recorded, I would call the police. Not a simple slap at you, but if she escalates to a scuffle or more where someone is going to have scrapes or bruises. The issue here is you don't want her calling police and having you arrested for battery. But you need to be recording every interaction with her so that you can prove what happened. And your response to any assault on her part should always be to de-escalate verbally and physically. Only get physical to the extent necessary to prevent her from harming you. Keep in mind now as you think about how to deal with future events, what will the court think about the recording of what happened?

If she is BPD or something similar, I would expect she will escalate and she will be abusive to you. It is important to document this, but you have to do it as advised by your lawyer. As you know, we don't have a justice system, we have a legal system. If you want custody of the baby, you need to jump through all the legal hoops correctly. If you want to avoid jail time or expensive alimony/child support, you still need to jump through the legal hoops correctly. Talk to your lawyer!


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Could you have her committed for her BPD and violent tendencies?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think you should take any sort of high valuables either monetary or sentimentally, off the premises immediately. Then, if she starts destroying your stuff, sure, it's a terrible thing to have happen, but it's just stuff.

Trust me. I speak from experience. I had a very volatile and abusive boyfriend and he routinely destroyed all of my things. Never ever his stuff tho! It never occurred to me to call the police though, until it became physical and very dangerous. You can always replace the stuff.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Was this episode what finally pushed you to the Divorce route? Did you tell her about the DNA test and that's when she went bonkers?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Was this episode what finally pushed you to the Divorce route? Did you tell her about the DNA test and that's when she went bonkers?


I've been doing some digging. Ok, as much digging as humanly possible with VAR and her phone records. I don't have access to her phone physically, so i've just been using records. They have been pretty revealing.

It's been ticking for a while now... the bomb blew up a few weeks ago. I've been trying to learn why, and finally found out this last trip I was out of town, she's been "going out" late to the clubs, running up high bar taps, and my VAR caught a conversation before it died in 1 days... argggg.. with another guy i was able to track, and he met her at the club. I don't have "Video proof" of an affair, but the lies and call logs are stacked against her.

I did tell her this week about the DNA test. She flipped, and said, "I pray to my God, not your God, that it's not your kid..." I was like, so are you saying there's a chance it's not my kid? She wouldn't say anything else past that, besides scream and yell at me... intermittedly between screams and tears. I've started to record every conversation now we have, just for my safety. No way in hell I'm getting caught and accussed unjustly.

She is willing to sign whatever for a divorce, so i've been drafting up all the paperwork internally. She just wants out at this point, and so do I. I refuse to be with a cheater and/or liar. If it was just BPD, so be it. I could try to help her with that, but it appears to be so much more.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Please at least consult with an attorney. It may be to your advantage for your stbxw to not know you've done so, but you really need a lawyer's advice. Especially as there may be alimony in the future or child support and custody/visitation. You don't want any loopholes or errors. You were a cop but you're no more a lawyer than I am! You need solid legal advice on how things work in your location with your local courts/judges.

Just a quick example. My xw kept the house. I had to sign over the house before she could apply for a mortgage in just her name, and she couldn't pay me my part of the equity until her mortgage closed 6 weeks or so later. Two huge issues are involved here. One is whether I get my money. No problem there as it was a cooperative divorce. Yours may not be cooperative! You may have various land mines hidden which could bite you. The second issue is whenever she sells the house at some future date, or if there is a legal problem before then (e.g. someone hurt on the property and sues her). I need to be sure I am totally 100% severed from any connection to the home.

I used a good lawyer to get all the paperwork done perfectly. I could have DIY stuff using forms from the state website, but the lawyer made sure the details were covered.

Same with your divorce paperwork. State forms are free and simple, but they can leave things out which expose you to future problems.

It is well worth an hour or two of lawyer time to advise you and to make sure the paperwork protects you.

Also, if the baby is not yours, you will need a lawyer to straighten all that out. There may be a clock ticking right now which you need to get in front of, e.g. filing a form with the state disclaiming paternity before a certain date.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> So here's the question...
> 
> Your marriage is basically over. You are awaiting DNA test results from a kid who is 50/50 yours (Should have the results next week, btw). Your BPD wife (undiagnosed) is most likely cheating or at the very least, is lying to everyone she knows about her lifestyle... hence the divorce being fast tracked!
> 
> ...


In most places if the DNA shows the child isn't yours? Congratulations! You still get to pay for the child!


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I don't know anything about you. I don't know if you are an angry person, or how you handle things. Assuming you aren't a terrible person, and this kid is yours, you may have to start thinking about life with sole custody of the child.

I mean, things aren't gonna get better with the soon to be ex wife if she's out drinking and partying with a 6 month old child at home.


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