# Remorse and Infidelity



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I'm new here and I'm browsing around, seeing what is happening to other people regarding infidelity.

What strikes me is the number of spouses who seem to want to continue the affair while remaining married. I would presume that once busted, the WS would either chit (give up the OP) or get off the pot (leave the marriage). But that doesn't seem to be the case.

What is your experience?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

At first I had the same questioning, you have. 
We can't really judge the betrayed spouses if they want to stick with the wayward spouse. If you read carefully, you'll find a couple of ex-cheaters that did more then enough atonement.
It's also complicated because love and feelings aren't the same to everyone.

You are right. A great deal of betrayed spouses decided to stick with the cheaters, some unfortunately doing so because they're in denial or wrongly think that they won't find somebody else, others because they can't do otherwise (financial issues, kids, etc) and finally some because they know their spouses better than we do and they are convinced there's still a chance for reconciliation.

I dumped my cheating spouse, took some time to convince every part of me that I have nothing to blame myself for me (doing this was harder than I thought) and then filed for divorce rapidly.
She didn't take it well and did something that devastated the crap out of me but, at the same time, convinced me that I did the right thing.

EDIT: Oh, I heavily misunderstood your post. You're right on that matter, many cheaters find it hard to give the other person up or even stop getting with him. It has to do with one's character actually. Addiction is pretty hard on many people and they find the couple of hours of fake well being worth all the pain and suffer that it causes afterwards.
It may be cake eating, it may be just weakness and ego rub but it sure is a solid golden medal for being a bad human being.

My personal experience in this case was a lot of guilt and remorse, no effort to NC the other man because he's leaving the country (as if it meant exile) but in her defense, I didn't care at the time and I don't care now. And then, finally, she got back with him as a revenge for my rejection. Not the love story I imagined when I proposed to her but maybe the greatest, yet meanest and harshest, life lesson I ever had.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

It happens so often that it's actually "normal" behavior for WS. Going cold turkey after D-Day is very uncommon.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

So far my WH chit....lol. It is the first affair. If it ever happens again he will be forced to get of the pot. By the way, he chit on his own. The EA was over 6 months before I found out. I still gave him my ring and said make your choice. Stick with me in the marriage or have your freedom. But if you leave do it with respect.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not many addicts recover on their first attempt either and a lot never do


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

> I would presume that once busted, the WS would either chit (give up the OP) or get off the pot (leave the marriage). But that doesn't seem to be the case.


My D-Day is still rather fresh (not yet a full month) so I am still developing views on cheating/cheaters while processing my own recovery as the BS. Bear with me as my thoughts are a little all over the place and this is definitely not an in-depth analysis but just some thoughts I’ve had when trying to think about the actions of my own WS. 



Almostrecovered said:


> not many addicts recover on their first attempt either and a lot never do


I definitely see the similarities between cheating and addiction when looking back and remembering how delusional my own thinking was when I used to smoke.

Despite the health risks, the awful smells, not being able to breathe, smell or taste well, having less cardiovascular endurance, feeling socially isolated by having to go outside to smoke, having less money, feeling pathetic when standing in the rain or snow in order to get my fix etc. etc., I still found ways to justify it and to convince myself that _"I liked to smoke. Smoking tastes good (after trying one after a year or so, no it doesn't!). It relaxes me....etc."_ I was able to ignore all the harm it was doing because the irrational beliefs I held and the lies I told myself in order to keep smoking.

In reality, the pleasure I got from smoking was an illusion. In the words of Allen Carr, _"Smoking is like wearing tight shoes so it feels good when you take them off”. _ And when it comes to smoking, I think this kind of irrational thinking is not too different than the "love" or pleasure someone experiences from cheating. 

I think one of the reasons that so many WS’s try to cake-eat even after their D-Day is because not only have they become invested in their affair partner(s), but they’ve also become extremely invested in their distorted rationalizations and justifications for cheating. They had to spend an awful long time lying to themselves; blaming their unhappiness on their spouse and other outside factors and failing to have the introspection, insight and maturity to look inwards and deal with themselves. 

Moreover, during the affair, they HAVE TO continue to lie to and delude themselves in order to continue making such hurtful choices and justifying their behaviour. For some, even upon discovery and seeing the pain and destruction they’ve caused their spouse and their family, they can’t _"snap out of it"_ right away (hence the fog) and for many, *not at all*... <-As an aside, this idea also reminds me of the smokers I’ve seen who have tracheotomies and yet continue to smoke! For some there really is no bottom.

Anyway, you can take the above with a grain of salt.... like I said earlier, I’m still trying to figure this out...:scratchhead:


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

[QUOTE I think one of the reasons that so many WS’s try to cake-eat even after their D-Day is because not only have they become invested in their affair partner(s), but they’ve also become extremely invested in their distorted rationalizations and justifications for cheating. They had to spend an awful long time lying to themselves; blaming their unhappiness on their spouse and other outside factors and failing to have the introspection, insight and maturity to look inwards and deal with themselves. 

Moreover, during the affair, they HAVE TO continue to lie to and delude themselves in order to continue making such hurtful choices and justifying their behaviour. For some, even upon discovery and seeing the pain and destruction they’ve caused their spouse and their family, they can’t _"snap out of it"_ right away (hence the fog) and for many, *not at all*... <-As an aside, this idea also reminds me of the smokers I’ve seen who have tracheotomies and yet continue to smoke! For some there really is no bottom.

:[/QUOTE]

:iagree:


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

*Anyway, you can take the above with a grain of salt.... like I said earlier, I’m still trying to figure this out...:scratchhead:[/QUOTE]*

I think you HAVE figured it out - I am not sure I have ever seen it explained better.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case my old lady stopped all contact and made big changes to keep from getting the boot.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

snap said:


> It happens so often that it's actually "normal" behavior for WS. Going cold turkey after D-Day is very uncommon.


It does happen though and in some *rare* cases the marriage is even stronger years down the road.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

My WS immediately stopped seeing his AP. It seemed, and still does, as though it was not an issue for him which really bothers me as he told her he loved her. I guess it would have bothered me more had he of not given her up so quickly but it makes me wonder what love means to him. I don't know, it all blows. lol


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I also think that when confronting the cheater there has to be a strong willing ness to let them go. With confidence the confrontation can be very effective in stopping the cheating. But not in all cases.

Often there is begging, crying and say they are sorry for being a bad spouse for getting cheated on. I think the wayward can see the weakness in this and believe they still have the power over the betrayed so they continue to cheat.....believing there are no consequences for there cheating.

Its crazy what folks will do and tolorate when the are maddly in love with a cheater.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

JCD said:


> What strikes me is the number of spouses who seem to want to continue the affair while remaining married. I would presume that once busted, the WS would either chit (give up the OP) or get off the pot (leave the marriage). But that doesn't seem to be the case.
> 
> What is your experience?


I really think it comes down to this: what the betrayed tolerates. Because if the betrayed tells the WS straight up: _I am not going to stay married to you as long as you're having an affair _and shows THROUGH ACTIONS that they mean business, then that WS is less likely to cake-eat than a WS who isn't shown hard boundaries w/ consequences from their betrayed partner. 

The more you do not put your foot down with a wayward, the more they will try to live in their little fantasy.

This is why exposure is so crucial. This is why putting your foot down firmly and saying NO is so imperative.

That is, if the betrayed wants to stay with them at all and reconcile. But a couple cannot begin the reconciliation process until that affair is stomped on and ended. It's not possible. 

By this same token, some betrayed cut it off right there and tell the WS that they are done. That they do not want to continue the relationship with them anymore since it was the end game/dealbreaker for them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

the guy said:


> I also think that when confronting the cheater there has to be a strong willingness to let them go.


It's the *ONLY* way. 

You *have* to be willing to lose them to have the best outcome. 

And that, in and of itself, is why it's so twisted.

But the sooner someone grasps that concept, the better off they are.

Some people are hip to it pretty soon, right off the bat, and some people struggle forever with it.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

snap said:


> It happens so often that it's actually "normal" behavior for WS. Going cold turkey after D-Day is very uncommon.


Yep. Mine kept stalling for more time. She trickle truthed, continued to lie and see OM. It took her 6 months to stop communicating with him...if it ever really stopped. This was just after D day #3. When D day #1 took place 1 1/2 years earlier, She pretty much did the same thing but I was naive as hell and believed her.

I think the comparison of the affair being like an addiction is a good one. That' exactly how she acted...like an addict.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

My H with his EA continued it even after I found out for 6 months because:

1 - it boosted his ego
2 - he felt safe because she was a long ways overseas...
3 - he was addicted to her flattery, etc.
4 - I think he also in his mind was able to separate what he was doing and our life together (I think that would be like able to comparatilize it in his head) so that took away some of the guilt I guess
5 - plus I think it was like an escape from reality


It is hard for me to understand however I have never been in that "fog".....


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

He also said that it was so addicting that he would bull **** her just to keep it going...it is hard for me to understand that because would you not be hoping that the person just moves on then you do not have to deal with them anymore??


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Remorse and infidelity probably don't always go hand in hand. 

Like, is my dad sorry he cheated on my mom?
Doesn't seem like it. If he was the first time, it sure didn't stop him from straying a second time. 

From reading the threads about cheating, what I notice is:
Women tend to fall in love. And being emotional and acting just like a high school teenager again, they can't let go. They keep hoping, 'Someday, this will workout.' 
Even when it is plainly obvious to everyone else, they don't get it. They keep thinking back to their childhood filled with Disney movies of how "Prince Charming came, and swooped them away from their horrible opressive circumstances." 
And they view their mate as their horrible oppressive circumstances. 

Men tend to be more sexual. At least it seems that way from the threads and my dad. 
They want sex. And if they can't get it at home, they suffer for however long, some may suffer until the day they die, some may only suffer a week. It is just a matter of how long they can hold before they break. 
And once they break, they'll get it else where. 

And you always got the exceptions of people that shouldn't be married because they are serial cheaters, or messed up in the head or whatever.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:



Broken at 20 said:


> Women tend to fall in love. And being emotional and acting just like a high school teenager again, they can't let go. They keep hoping, 'Someday, this will workout.'
> Even when it is plainly obvious to everyone else, they don't get it. They keep thinking back to their childhood filled with Disney movies of how "Prince Charming came, and swooped them away from their horrible opressive circumstances."
> And they view their mate as their horrible oppressive circumstances.


This was my STBXW...completely blind to the reality of the situation. She definitely acted like a rebellious teenager. Even now she is in denial or heavily compartmentalizing our impending divorce.


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