# She wants another baby?!



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So last night... the missus and I had a little chat about her career (which is non-existent at the moment) and getting her back in the workforce considering our daughter is already 4. After lengthy discussions that didn't go anyway my wife reveals her wishes for another child 

I have many reasons against it but also some reasons for it; for example, I want my daughter to have a sibling, someone to play with at home. However, I'm also not sure how another child will impact our lifestyle and marriage considering we're still healing from all the dramas. Our finances are solid however.

She feels ready, I sure don't feel it. And I don't want another daughter, I want a son! But knowing my luck, I'll probably end up having another daughter and I'll be ganged up on by a house full of women... 

And it seems like she doesn't want to work anymore, but pump out babies


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, don't do it if you'll be disappointed with another daughter. 

Good grief. Having a son isn't the end all, be all of having children. Your daughters really never leave the family. You get more of the grandkids, usually. Sons go with their wives' families. So...there's that.

Your daughter is 4, so if you want a sibling she can play with, have one soon. My girls are 9 years apart and DO NOT play together. lol. no. Sometimes they'll hang out together but they don't play.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My daughter has been nothing but good to me since day one, she's a great kid really, shares my passion for music, and drives my wife insane heh - all win! So I doubt I'll truly be disappointed with another daughter, but yes I do hope it would be a son for next time. A mini-me!

Well... it looks like my wife has at least managed to shut me up while I was bothering her to start working. At least until I make my decision. It's funny, I never had this time to think or prepare the last time she got pregnant - it was all panic and rushing and... marriage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I admit... most men DO hope for a son. But you know what/ My dad had 3 daughters, and he wouldn't trade them for all the sons in the world. Whatever you do, don't suggest to your wife that you keep trying til you get that boy! She may just take you up on it... 

But, I agree with TG. Don't do it unless you are absolutely certain this is what you want right now. My 5 year old daughter loves playing with her 11 year old cousin. My niece loves taking her places with her... MOST of the time lol. Same goes for my 11 year old son and my 4 year old son. They love each other, play pretty well together... but the 11 year old DOES like his privacy, which can be tough sometimes. So, don't hold off TOO long, but don't rush into it.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I think daughters do leave families if they do not have a close relationship with their parents or they feel stifled.

Don't have a child if you will be disappointed with another daughter. I guarantee any future daughters will be able to feel your resentment. 

It is rather telling that your wife only brought up another child when you asked her to return to work. I agree that she may be using another baby to stay out of the workforce. An honest discussion about goals is in order. Maybe your wife has come to realize that she enjoys being a SAHM.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

"Pump out babies" might be a good term to use if she was discussing her 4th, 5th or 6th pregnancy, but a 2nd? Pffft. Though I'm glad you seem to see both sides of the issue right now, and it does sound like the two of you can talk it out. 

If she's been out of the workforce for a while her confidence in herself and her abilities might be shot, so a baby would delay having to go back to work now, but it'd make the transition even harder later.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> It is rather telling that your wife only brought up another child when you asked her to return to work. I agree that she may be using another baby to stay out of the workforce.


Yup!



> An honest discussion about goals is in order. Maybe your wife has come to realize that she enjoys being a SAHM.


She's enjoying it too much, even our mates reckon "she's got it made". Don't mind her being happy but all she does is enjoy life nowadays. Spoiling her so to speak...



> If she's been out of the workforce for a while her confidence in herself and her abilities might be shot, so a baby would delay having to go back to work now, but it'd make the transition even harder later.


Aye, and worse when she reckons we're already financially secure. My business can run by itself as long as I don't touch it - which I have recently since sobering up. Darn it nothing is going according to plan!

You guys are right that we can't wait around too long too... but we can't rush it either. Personally... I don't even know if we're ready or not this time around, or what it even means to be ready for such a thing. Last time this happened all hell broke loose.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree with other posters. Please don't have another child if you can't handle the thought of it being a girl. Please don't make another young girl feel inadequate because she wasn't born a boy. Also - there's no guarantee if you have a son he'll be a "mini me" and look and think, and want to do all the things you do. Did you have too many sisters and felt "ganged up on?" 

You have -one- child and are looking into having a second. That isn't "pumping out babies." Does your wife know how poorly you feel about her current role as a SAHM, that you boil down all she does into such a crude statement?

Edited to add: "All she's doing is enjoying life these days." Honestly? She she's too happy, so she needs to go back to work? This doesn't sound like the conversation is about goals or finances, but how your friends are goading you with her being too happy and "having it made" and thus you are spoiling her.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> So last night... the missus and I had a little chat about her career (which is non-existent at the moment) and getting her back in the workforce considering our daughter is already 4. After lengthy discussions that didn't go anyway my wife reveals her wishes for another child
> 
> I have many reasons against it but also some reasons for it; for example, I want my daughter to have a sibling, someone to play with at home. However, I'm also not sure how another child will impact our lifestyle and marriage considering we're still healing from all the dramas. Our finances are solid however.
> 
> ...


Do not under any circumstances have more children. You and your wife have the most dysfunctional relationship I have ever heard of and both of you love it that way. You do everything to hurt each other and wither when you are not. More children do not need to be brought in to that situation, ever.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Pump out babies? Nice.

Children and work aren't mutually exclusive. I went back to work part time after 12 months of leave for each.

If she hasn't gone back to work and your one child is four years old, then she's not interested in working and having another baby isn't going to make any difference.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Lyris said:


> Pump out babies? Nice.
> 
> Children and work aren't mutually exclusive. I went back to work part time after 12 months of leave for each.
> 
> If she hasn't gone back to work and your one child is four years old, then she's not interested in working and having another baby isn't going to make any difference.


… and consequently a long term clash of values and beliefs begins and yet even more shet testing behaviour enters the marriage. This time on both sides because one wants what the other doesn’t which means someone’s going to have to “sacrifice” what they value and believe in if the marriage is to continue.



Which of course in years to come will result in the resentment shet tests that exist in many (every?) long term marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We've come so far already, we're not going to give up now, especially not over another disagreement. We're very used to conflict and resolution by now, especially now.

As for those who feel our marriage is toxic and dysfunctional, yes I agree, we have had a lot of issues and it's only recently that we've come on top of it all. Despite the fact that we're still healing, and looking back at all the hurts we inflicted on each other, we still love each other immensely and wouldn't have it any other way. We've both learnt and become stronger together.

Ne ways, back on topic...

As for being ganged up on - I've seen it happen all the time in households when women > men. Especially my mother's side of the family, grandpa, may he rest in peace, had tons of issues with it, I dread having that happen to me.

And yes she does know I'm not happy with her living it up daily while I'm the sole provider. She's been living it up all her life actually, all the work she has done in the past had no financial motives. Annoying thing is that she's probably acting up simply because I'm nagging her, she's stubborn like that.

Maybe I'll just start nagging her to be a SAHM... funny thing is that it could actually work!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How exactly is she "living it up?" 

I think that's the confusion - she has a Cadillac? She's wearing $200 jeans? What is she doing that you think is over the top? What does "all of the work she has done in the past had no financial motives" mean - she came from money? 

Details, please.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Pump out babies? Nice.


If he wants a son i suggest he pump one out.   

@ OP, I doubt a mini me would suffice, i suggest all children whether male or female being their own individual self, i would never place my own aspirations on to my children, let alone choose the sex or be disappointed, this is why i have never wanted to know the sex of my babies, it is not important.

The age gap for another one is a bit late, there will be nearly 5 years difference, my 5 year old girl doesn't really play with her 2 1/2 year old brother, so what does it matter.

And what a compliment that she wants another child with you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My boys are almost 8 years apart and although they didn't often "play" together like kids close in age, they have an amazing relationship that I could never have imagined. Each has his own relationship with their sister, who is 11 years younger than the elder son and 4 years younger than the younger son. I'm one of 5 kid (#3) born in less 6.5 years, and also have seen the good and the bad of having kids close in age. 

Having another child needs to be an urge you can't resist, and really it is best if you want the child for itself, not just to have a sibling. All children deserve to be wanted for who they are. 

Oh, and if you really want a boy, adopt. It is the only guarantee. That's how I got my daughter!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> How exactly is she "living it up?"
> 
> I think that's the confusion - she has a Cadillac? She's wearing $200 jeans? What is she doing that you think is over the top? What does "all of the work she has done in the past had no financial motives" mean - she came from money?
> 
> Details, please.


She's thankfully not spending as much anymore like she used to years ago (was a major problem in the past), but as an outgoing person, she's still a big spender. But that is not the issue.

On the plus side - our daughter was not kept indoors at all which I thought was great for a time. But now with her at school I don't see why she can't work instead of lazing around all day and/or enjoying her social life without a work life.

And yes, she came from a very rich family, money was never a problem for her. She has never had to NEED money. Hence I haven't exactly been beneficial to her own personal growth.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

She stays home with your 4 year old? Isn't she already a SAHM?

I get your daughter might be in pre-school but maybe that's why she's longing for another?

Don't undermine the work she does. Is your daughter well adjusted despite the fact that you and her have had a bumpy ride? Is she a good mother? Will you be having this child to just further cement a very cracked foundation?

You both need to do some soul searching and re-read your posts from a few months ago and get real.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She's agreed to leave me alone on this forum and understands that breaking that promise will harm both of us even if she does it discreetly. As for having another child, the only reason I have for it -> is for my daughter, so no - I guess I'm not ready for another child. My wife feels ready however or so she says or makes herself think.

She is a good mother and our daughter is not caught in the middle. In the end she still sees mum and dad together and most of the time we are quite stable and loving to each other nowadays. As for her work, sure, I love what she's done with the house, but it's not like that's all she can do


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

If you want her to be more productive, why not start small

Can't you ask her if should would undertake one or 2 specific tasks or projects for your business ? Give her a deadline and let her manage the time. 

However, I suspect you're already way off down the wrong path - you seem to have made it clear to everyone you think she's having too much of a good time and you want to stop that for its own sake rather than thinking she has some useful skills and a little spare time that could help the 'family' business and which you would appreciate.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> So last night... the missus and I had a little chat about her career (which is non-existent at the moment) and getting her back in the workforce considering our daughter is already 4. After lengthy discussions that didn't go anyway my wife reveals her wishes for another child
> 
> I have many reasons against it but also some reasons for it; for example, I want my daughter to have a sibling, someone to play with at home. However, I'm also not sure how another child will impact our lifestyle and marriage considering we're still healing from all the dramas. Our finances are solid however.
> 
> ...


why do you think that your wifes desire to have another child was raised when you brought up her returning to work?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

YellowRoses said:


> If you want her to be more productive, why not start small
> 
> Can't you ask her if should would undertake one or 2 specific tasks or projects for your business ? Give her a deadline and let her manage the time.
> 
> However, I suspect you're already way off down the wrong path - you seem to have made it clear to everyone you think she's having too much of a good time and you want to stop that for its own sake rather than thinking she has some useful skills and a little spare time that could help the 'family' business and which you would appreciate.


Ok, any advice? You reckon it's a perspective thing? Or you mean I'm just approaching the whole thing wrong?



> why do you think that your wifes desire to have another child was raised when you brought up her returning to work?


Personally I have no idea what to believe with her at the moment. My gut tells me she's being sincere, but it just seems so convenient/obvious to drop the bomb after me bugging her to work. So I'm currently confused...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

The more you expand your thoughts, RG, it seems more and more this is all about jealousy.

* But that is not the issue.*

So the issue, is not about finances. It's about how you feel she needs more "personal growth" by working, or how she's lazy, or how she has too many friends, or - how she's too happy. I'm getting confused. 

Personally, I think there's an underlying theme that you are jealous about her upbringing, and now have resentment that she is "enjoying her social life" while you work, and further you feel she "lazes about all day." What happens if she starts working and then the housework/childcare starts to slip, then that will be something different and another way she is "lazy."

Perhaps that's the core issue, perhaps you are more transparent than you realize. Perhaps she herself resents that she's dedicated the past four years to ensuring your daughter has a safe, productive environment despite your marriage problems and that now boils down to you calling her lazy and "living it up." You've had this conversation with your friends, apparently, laughing and discussing how lazy she is. How you are "spoiling" her. 

What if she'd had a similar conversation with her friends?

"Well, honey, my friends and I have decided, you just don't do enough at work. We think you F$%^ around all day, and just aren't putting in enough effort - so, better get a second job."

I'm guessing you'd be offended, and rightly so. Yet, that's what you are doing, whether or not you do inform her about where this "advise" is coming from. You are demeaning her role as a wife and now as a mother, and that is not the way to have an honest conversation. You need to decide what is most important here - impressing your friends by "not spoiling her" or making an honest decision about what is best for your family. 

Also, maybe you need to sit and have a real think about this, as first it's about her laziness, it's about how she has too much of a social life, and then it's about her personal growth, its about fixing flaws in her due to her wealthy upbringing. Which is it, really?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe wait to have another child until all you hope for is a healthy baby. Good grief.

A "mini-me"? I have 2 daughters...NEITHER of them are like me...and I wouldn't want them to be. They are their own person.

Your wife is hardly pumping out babies. She has one. And now, four years later, she wants another. I have a friend who has 4 kids in under 4 years. That's pumping out babies and she'll gladly admit it. Whatever. Her uterus.

But until your attitude changes towards your wife and HER ROLL in your family, I can't see how a baby would be a good thing right now.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In that case then it means I'm not ready to love another child, and hell the only reason I have for another child is for my daughter's benefit alone. I'm dealing with the missus over this atm

And it's not just 'my' mates that are noticing it, it's hers as well (it's more like 'our' mates as we don't become close to anyone until my wife and I both agree that they are decent people). She's losing her grip on them it seems.

It might seem that I may be jealous, or following after mates, or neglecting her contributions to our family, but in truth -> I'm worried sick about her. Her dreams in the past got shattered due to inter-religious issues and over the years it has remained shattered. Sure she's happy with her current lifestyle, but personally I feel that's because she has forgotten what it truly means to have her own individual dream, a passion, and to work for it.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Your daughter is 4, so if you want a sibling she can play with, have one soon. My girls are 9 years apart and DO NOT play together. lol. no. Sometimes they'll hang out together but they don't play.


My brother and I are 3 years apart (I'm younger) and we don't really do anything together. 3 years is a huge difference. 

There's a lot of data showing that having more children is almost always worse for the children. It can best be described as spreading resources too thin. I only had 1 sibling, and even then it felt like I was ignored a lot of the time. He was always getting into trouble, so nobody really cared about what I was doing. My gf is from a family with 4 children, and that was an absolute disaster. The youngest sibling is virtually a stranger in that family. 

Wiki has some interesting facts about only children
Only child - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


> The study found *no evidence of any maladjustment in only children*. The most important finding was that only children are not very different from children with siblings. The main exception to this was the finding that *only children are higher in achievement motivation*, largely because their greater share of parental attention translates into increased parental scrutiny: This scrutiny, especially as compounded by only children's access to a greater share of parental resources, exposes them to greater absolute quantities of both reward when they exceed parental expectations and punishment when they fall short.[20] A second analysis revealed that *only children, first-borns, and children with only one sibling score higher on tests of verbal ability than later-borns and children with multiple siblings*.[21]
> 
> The advantage of only children in test scores and achievement motivation may be due to the greater amount of parental attention they receive. According to the Resource Dilution Model, parental resources (e.g. time to read to the child) are important in development. Because these resources are finite, children with many siblings receive fewer resources.[22]
> 
> ...


Basically it's saying that children with no siblings learn to make friends. Children with lots of siblings end of up being socially retarded if their sibling is their best friend because they never really learn how to make friends.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How is she "losing her grip" on her friends when at the same time you say she sees them too often, and has too much of a social life?

Ultimately, shouldn't it be for her to decide what her new dreams or ambitions are? If she seems happy in her role, and your finances don't demand she pick another one, why are you over-examining the situation?

If that's the truth of the situation, OP, that's not how you are expressing it. That's the -last- comment we got to, after all of the comments about how lazy she is, how she's having too much fun, how she's being spoiled. Again, I think there's a lot of feelings mixed up in this, and they might even need to be discussed professionally, as - I'm uncertain you can decide what exactly your idea is, let alone how to express it. 

(IE, explaining a concern after telling someone they are lazy is not going to work, at all.)

Does she get to decide what this new professional goal is, or - is the only offered choice working for your business? Are you hoping they will be one and the same? What if she chooses something else?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Normally our mates are always on her side, hence it seems now she's losing her grip on them. And I don't really care who she works for, though I've already concluded in another thread that her working for me would not be a good idea - and of course it's her decision ultimately what she wants to do. She also doesn't seem to understand the concept or need to work, not even MY work.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Strictly from the boy versus girl thing - I have a son who's into sports and enjoys the Three Stooges and the like (women never do it seems). I have another son who's into music and art and thinks the Three Stooges are juvenile. And I have a daughter who likes to kick azz in karate tournaments (full contact with gloves, headgear, etc.), helped me build my patio ( helped haul TONS of sand, gravel, and pavers), and hates pink and purple. The point is a girl can enjoy doing 'boy' things if given half a chance and a boy isn't necessarily going to like 'boy' things.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes I know, and my angel takes after her dad too. Anyways it's already decided I'm not ready for another child. What I'm going to do with my wife though I have really no idea however, I'm just going to put up with it as everyone suggested and see how it goes.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

Maybe you wanted a woman who was completely career focused and your wife is obviously not that person. She wants to focus on being a mother and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means that your ideals are not compatible. Only you can decide what that means for your marriage.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> There's a lot of data showing that having more children is almost always worse for the children. It can best be described as spreading resources too thin.


On the other hand, we have China. Probably the most large-scale experiment in one-child families.

The consensus is they've created a generation of spoilt brats.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

we had 3 sons, the wife really wanted a girl. we should have tried one more time for that girl, we are now 54 its too late. don't let your daughter grow up as an only child.

Besides that, your wife doesn't have to have your approval or involvement to have another child, just saying. lol


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My wife and I have a son and I got a vasectomy. I have NEVER seen a family of more than one child that didn't favor one child over the other. I couldn't bring myself to do that.

I know, I know, every person I say that to that has more than one says "I don't have a favorite." You as the parent wont see it, but I bet lunch anyone close to the family sees it and the children see it to.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband wants another child. I do not. He keeps saying so when are we going to have another baby?? I am like WTF. Never! He says "i want another baby" How does it feel to want. I want alot of things too, think i will ever get it, NO! =)
I may change my mind, but i doubt it. I am 34 now. My 3 year old keeps me busy! However i wouldn't mind having a daughter.

I wanted to get my tubes tied when i had our son, but the hospital i had him at wouldn't do it.

I don't like the fact that my son is pretty much an only child. I have a son who is 18 and my h has 3 ranging from 21, 20 and 16! I think we have enough children!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was an only child by my mom. 

It sucks.

She's been up my ass for 36 years. well, she's better now after MANY talks about boundaries.

I'm all she's got. No husband, just me.

So...that sucks. I love my mom...but when it comes down to it, I'd like someone to help out later on when mom is sick and needs care. My mom's mom just passed in May. My mom and her 2 siblings took care of her...it worked out well (even though my mom and her two siblings aren't close.).

I have sisters from my dad (and his 2nd wife). We are 4 years apart (they are twins). We're very close.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We have ONE child! =/

I don't know... I just don't want to feel like I'm spoiling her too.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I'm an only child

I moved heaven and earth to have 2 kids because I hate it so much

I know its made me a bit weird


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> I'm an only child
> 
> I moved heaven and earth to have 2 kids because I hate it so much
> 
> I know its made me a bit weird


Being a only child is no picnic is it


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

abitlost said:


> Being a only child is no picnic is it


Are you looking at only the negative? I had siblings and trust me, it's no picnic!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Are you looking at only the negative? I had siblings and trust me, it's no picnic!


no there's positives and negatives both ways, but being a only child and constantly told how lucky I am is annoying.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

abitlost said:


> no there's positives and negatives both ways, but being a only child and constantly told how lucky I am is annoying.


Absolutely

I was lonely, just felt I didn't have enough 'connections', socially awkward, painfully shy, difficult undiluted relationship with a 'black and white' mother.

It made me solitary to an unhealthy level 

I have 2 boys, 10 and 12 - they fight like crazy but if the world turns on one of them, they turn on the world together.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> Absolutely
> 
> I was lonely, just felt I didn't have enough 'connections', socially awkward, painfully shy, difficult undiluted relationship with a 'black and white' mother.
> 
> ...


pretty much had the same experience


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> Absolutely
> 
> I was lonely, just felt I didn't have enough 'connections', socially awkward, painfully shy, difficult undiluted relationship with a 'black and white' mother.
> 
> ...


Having siblings wouldn't change how your mother raised you. Take it from me, bad parenting doesn't get better with more children, the opposite actually.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I think yellowroses was talking more about the fact when your a only child all the concetration is on you so alot of the time you take the brunt of the bad things happening in your home alot of the time. 
Like I said there's pros and cons both ways


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think at this point, you need to really figure out your relationship before you even consider more children, and start debating the pros and cons of only or multiple children. 

Like "spoiling her too." Do you mean your daughter? Having more children and placing them on an already strained relationship shouldn't stem from some internal need to make sure everyone else around you is somehow only enjoying life to a level you deem appropriate.

Which, seems to be something you've brought up a few times.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Sorry, OP, bit of a hijack there

Food for thought hopefully

I DO strongly agree about not bringing more children into a problem relationship though.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> Are you looking at only the negative? I had siblings and trust me, it's no picnic!


Same here. I come from a split family. Dad had 2 girls, Mom had 2 girls and a boy......when they met......then they got married and had me. So I'm the only child from my Mom and Dad. And guess what? Everyone else was always so [email protected] jealous of me, hated me, etc. Some still do and can't get over the fact that I got most of the attention.....from parents and from some siblings that loved me. It's messed up. I didn't ask to be born into this mess. 

Granted I grew up and had lots of friends along the way. I still have no problems making friends.....they are my extended family to me. They are my God-chosen family, and I don't know what I'd do w/o them. My real sisters, on the other hand, are still so full of hatred, yet they do love me....so they say. And they are pushing the 50 year mark. All h#ll will break loose when my father passes away.....he's leaving most everything to me........his choice........because he doesn't stand behind/support their life decisions and despises the way they live their life - so he cut them off......but in the end, I'm the one that's the "bad sister" because I'm the baby and stole their attention.  I'm his only blood daughter that has given him a Grandchild. 

All that being said, I've always wanted 2 kids - so they could grow up together and always have each other. But my hubs only wanted one. Being that I waited later in life to have a baby (35), I now do not want another one. My 6 year old is a thriving little girl, loves school, and loves her many friends that she's made since before pre-k. She's had some of these friends for several years, before going to school, and now goes to school with them. She's happy every day when I pick her up. We set up play dates for her with her friends....sometimes at our house.....other times at her friend's houses. It gives us "our" time when she's at a friend's house, and we really wouldn't have it any other way.

Siblings either love each other and get along throughout their lives, or they hate and resent each other. There's no telling what you're going to get no matter what age they are.

BTW, hubs and I both work full time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I can't promise that I can love another child like I love my daughter at the moment. Then again I never knew I could love a child UNTIL my daughter was born, my life just changed. So I can never tell if I'm truly ready. I wanted a son back then too, yet I wouldn't trade my daughter for anyone atm.

I was also an only child, didn't enjoy it, had no brothers or sisters and cousins were miles away and hated the cultural superstition that only kids are spoilt (and no, my daughter ain't spoiled, my wife is in my opinion). It is even more offensive to me when I was left on the streets at 12 fending for myself for survival until 18 and they still think "spoiled" bc I was an only kid.

Ne ways, now wifey is bugging me about this -.-
Told her that I need time, but whatever...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> So last night... the missus and I had a little chat about her career (which is non-existent at the moment) and getting her back in the workforce considering our daughter is already 4. After lengthy discussions that didn't go anyway my wife reveals her wishes for another child
> 
> I have many reasons against it but also some reasons for it; for example, I want my daughter to have a sibling, someone to play with at home. However, I'm also not sure how another child will impact our lifestyle and marriage considering we're still healing from all the dramas. Our finances are solid however.
> 
> ...


Don't ever have another child unless YOU are ready also, regardless of what she wants.

You're probably right, she probably doesn't want to work anymore and having children gives her a good excuse not too. Perhaps that should be discussed in counselling also?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> We've come so far already, we're not going to give up now, especially not over another disagreement. We're very used to conflict and resolution by now, especially now.
> 
> As for those who feel our marriage is toxic and dysfunctional, yes I agree, we have had a lot of issues and it's only recently that we've come on top of it all. Despite the fact that we're still healing, and looking back at all the hurts we inflicted on each other, we still love each other immensely and wouldn't have it any other way. We've both learnt and become stronger together.
> 
> ...


So she's used to others supporting her?

Means she'll never voluntarily go to work, why...no need to, others give her what she wants.

Might be part of your past problems--self-motivated and focused on what she wants/needs.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

MrsKy said:


> Maybe you wanted a woman who was completely career focused and your wife is obviously not that person. She wants to focus on being a mother and there is nothing wrong with that. It just means that your ideals are not compatible. Only you can decide what that means for your marriage.


She's NEVER been career focused. She came from a rich family and has never worked to "support herself."

And trust me, she wants to continue that, hence the reason she wants another child when the four-year-old starts school so that it gives her an excuse to keep staying home. 

He feels as though she IS NOT contributing to the family. That I think is the real issue here, he doesn't see a contribution, therefore to him, it feels like she is "living the high life." If Mom is out hanging with her buddies and going out to eat, etc., while he's working, then he's right--she's living it up. Why wouldn't he feel resentful if she's capable of providing more, but refuses to do so? Marriage is a two-way street, not a one-way. 

My ex-husband couldn't/wouldn't keep a job, either got fired or quit for a variety of reasons and I got downright resentful when I was working my butt off and he was out drinking with his buddies, or playing cards or whatever--in other words--having a good time while I was working.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I was an only child by my mom.
> 
> It sucks.
> 
> ...


I have a brother, and guess what? That means nothing in my family. He's a real loser and no one speaks to him or knows where he's at so technically I'm an only child also. And my stepfather died and my dad is in prison with no contact, so all my mother has is me and it's not that bad. Sure, she can be a pain, but guess what - I'm a pain in the ass to my two grown children too - it's our job as mother's - it's what we do.

Do you have older, out of the house children? If so, then you should know what I mean...if not, just wait--you'll sound JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER in a few years...we all do.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for understanding MWIL... but well, what can I do? =/


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My two younger kids are two years apart. At 5 and 7, they've become good friends, yes, they fight like crazy sometimes, but then I listen to them interact with each other, and all I can do is smile. My daughter who is older protects her brother, but when he sees her crying he goes over and wants to know what's wrong. Sometimes I am shocked at how connected they are, and how well they can pick up on each other's moods etc.

I couldn't leave a child by themselves, I had an only child for 15 years, and I really regret it, he's a great guy (22), but wholly crow, he's as selfish as they come.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think the deeper issues are your pre-existing conflicts, not just that she wants another baby. It also sounds like you married someone who has a different work ethic than you do and knew this going in. That's the animal you brought home. You can't get a hamster and expect him to greet you at the door wagging his tail behind him when you come home from work. You can’t expect someone who never had a strong career ethic to all of a sudden develop a strong career ethic.

I think there'll be resentment and conflict on either side of the issue (whether she has more kids and stays home or you finally convince her to go to work). Either you’ll resent having more babies and supporting your SAHW or she’ll resent not having more babies and getting a 9-5. 

I don’t think it’s smart to have a baby if you can prevent it if the relationship isn’t going well and both aren't on board. With that said, there is NEVER a good time to have kids. I’m about to have a second child at the worst possible time seeing that I had my first D-Day last week and separated on Sunday. I would not have suggested or planned THIS timing at all. Still, I know I’ll pull through it and love this child all the same.

The funny thing about favoritism is my sister always thought I was the favorite because I got more privileges. However, I always thought she was the favorite (being the squeaky wheel that she was/juvenile delinquent) as she got most of the time/attention. Now that we’re adults, we both see that there were no favorites, just two different kids/personalities growing up that rendered different results.

This baby wasn’t planned at all. I was actually only intending on having the one son but everything happens for a reason and I’m glad that when me and the STBX do pass on or even become to elderly to care for ourselves, my son won’t have to deal with that all alone. There are no guarantees that your kids will ever be close though – no matter how far spaced or how many you have. My sister and I are only 2 years apart and we weren’t close growing up and aren’t close now but love each other very much and that won’t change.


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