# Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Ok my wife just got out of an 8 month affair and I am 99% sure she has not contacted him in any way for over 2 months. She ended it over 2 months ago in front of me and I have kept a close eye on EVERYTHING ever since. We have been married for nearly 14 years and I didn't show her that I loved her or give her attention like I should have for several of those years which is part of the reason she strayed and I know this and accept it but I have thrown everything I've got into our marriage since I found out about the affair and have given her attention/affection and do little things all the time to show her that I love her. We never seperated and I finally won her back a little over 2 months ago and successsfully got her to end her affair and stay in the marriage. She always easily showed me affection and attention prior to her affair but now it seems to be very rare if at all that she shows me affection or attention in the "little ways" if you understand what I am trying to say. I mean she kisses me and tells me she loves me and things like that but she doesn't seem to do the "little things" out of the blue like pick up dinner, buy me a card, or text me out of the blue to show me she loves me anymore. We are having sex but not as often as I feel we should be but she is having some female issues and seeing a doctor about that so that's besides the point. 
I just feel like if she really wants me and wants us to work she would be showing me more now than before but she's not. I mean she sent this guy texts all the time that she was thinking about him and did little things like that but she doesn't do those things for me at the time being. Should i just give her more time or should I be worried she is having second thoughts? She had never cheated on me before this was the only time and in the back of my mind I seen it coming with the way I was acting and not being the husband of was capable of being. I am just scared and worried with the way she is not showing me. I do see where it could take some time but in my mind and if it were me and the roles were reversed I would be trying with everything I had to show her that I wanted it to work and that I had made a mistake and I would be showing her all the time. I guess what I am saying is I am getting the words but not the actions. Thanks for your input....


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes action speak loader then words and even though this was a very emotional affair, her communication is a must.
Granted breaking up is hard to do, but the bottom line is #1 why she stepped out. It sound like you understand this, but just like the OM ...you need to treat her like a women not a wife. 

It is true that we can be to nice to them, but in the same breath we have to make a change that makes them attractive to us. Its a balance that you have not found. So mix it up.

For me I found it helpful in what made my W pick the OM. It was tough as sh*t to hear but it was the thing that helped me mix it up.
Something about being confident and not so much a push over. For me I found a balance of not being so nice but when I was it was something that my wife didn't expect. 

Some times being the [email protected]@y whipped guy that will do anything doesn't work but a letter/text about how much you want her works....IDK everyones different, but the point is you...we need to mix it up. Especially when they get up set, sometime you just have to shut them up and tell them you have it under control. 
Its hard but my point is there is a balance that you have to keep working on and when you see it work stick with it. The trick is finding that "new button" that you push and they just want more of it.
It's work!

Its odd, but chicks want what they can't have, but in the same breath you don't want to push her away.

It seems she is remorseful and a little more alpha male might help?

I just don't know what will work for you, but for me it was about mixing it up and showing the confidence in that I can get any chick, but I choose to keep my wife. My wife saw this and stepped up and did the heavy lifting that I needed to stick around.

I have a feeling that you wife thinks you will always be around no matter how she treats you, but thats just me and my $0.02


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Did she ever sit you down and forcefully attempt to get you to look at the issues in the mge, that were bothering her---Did you ever really address/talk about/communicate with each other about your mge????

You put her in a corner---and tho what she did was wrong, and she has to accept 100% blame for what she did---you did drive her into that corner---and you accept that

You are now complaining about being "dissed"---she dissed you in the A., now she is dissing you cuz you have done a complete reversal, and are acting like a doormat

The betrayed H---does not do everything, and anything to win the wife back into the mge---it is the wife---that has to earn her way back into the mge, with her own contriteness, remorse, and heavy lifting----you are basically sweeping this under the rug---she knows it, so why should she treat you with any respect?????


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I finally won her back..."- Should she be the one that tries winning YOU over?


----------



## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "I finally won her back..."- Should she be the one that tries winning YOU over?


what he said...

i thnk if your trying to reconcille after the affair you have 2 steps to work on...she works on reconcilliation, you both work on marriage...she needs to show some kind of initiative, i think thatll help you regain some confidence after thisan dbuild you to the point where the guy said, you can "man up"

i look forward to the day my wife and i can ge to that..except for the man up part..im already working on that


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

*"...but thats besides the pt" NOT!*

but she is having some female issues and seeing a doctor about that...."---aaaahhhhman.

maybe u better look into those "issues" u may not like what they portend/are. hopefully their nothing but if u stick yer
head in the sand u r missing out on possible truth.

i aint declaring what they r or could be; dont wanna go there.

Besides this/that, i think its possible for u to be right on the $$
as in "somethings missing/wrong" with yer rel'shp & yer gut is
telling ya so. ding ding.

its also possible u r oversensitive now that her A has been/
is exposed. yes i said "is" for a reason; it could still be ongoing
in many diff ways/means as its "taken on a life of its own."

also as others here have alluded to, u dont sound as if u r 
holding the "steering wheel" or "whip" or "upper hand" in this
matter with yer W. She should be shouldering most of the
load of anybody winning anyone back. uhm, yer words not mine
remember.

consciously or not shes noticed yer "need" yer "desperation"
as it were in patching things up. not good. not good.
at least not for what u r saying u want outta this rel'shp.

i'm not u, or there to see/feel/hear etc what u see. so its hard 
to say based just on what u write here. its been a common
problem here at TAM for all parties to get this form of 
communication "right" sometimes in telling and perceiving a 
story. so do be specific on major pts/issues please so as to
avoid any misunderstandings by "us".

shalom..........


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If she was in love with the om, her affections will not just bounce back to you in his absence. And that would work the same way if your positions were reversed. You don't just snap your fingers and fall out of love. It is a process. You will have to remain patient. I do think that means you have to back off a little to give her space to come forward. She is probably also feeling a lot of mixed guilt and anger. Guilt over what she has done and anger at you for not being more loving before this disastrous situation took place.

Counselling might help to hash out the residue. This is complicated stuff to work through. Ending the affair is just the first step.

Good luck. Be patient. And once in a while, do something to sweep her off her feet and take her breath away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

She's mourning the loss of the OM, and you're too needy for her to deal with both at once. She's gotta want to do the heavy work here. If you're doing it, she won't respect or need you the way you want her to. Back off, man up, monitor MORE (high likelihood statistically that the A continues or is 'on hold', but deeper underground in less-detectable ways).
I kinda feel more of a 180 is in order -- you can't make her want to do this; she's got to deciee to, but like cb45 says we are not there experiencing what you are to really know. Absent a real 180, how about just talking to her and letting her know what you're seeing in actions, and how it challenges you emotionally that maybe she's not fully in this to win?


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

But still be patient. She can't just flip a switch. It is a process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> But still be patient. She can't just flip a switch. It is a process.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: "...but thats besides the pt" NOT!*



cb45 said:


> but she is having some female issues and seeing a doctor about that...."---aaaahhhhman.
> 
> *maybe u better look into those "issues" *u may not like what they portend/are. hopefully their nothing but if u stick yer
> head in the sand u r missing out on possible truth.
> ...


Be part of the consuktation with the doctor. If she does not want you there, you have a huge red flag.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am going to throw this out there....Fog.....may I suggest a 180 and sort of a modified plan a, you don't want to completely put yourself out there, I did, and BOOM, I got my ass kicked, but pull back a bit. Show her you are the better choice.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

smileyjay, I had to read your other threads to get your whole story, and I have to say that the affair is still ongoing. There is usually a mourning period that the WS goes through after an affair, *but not after at least six months!* Your wife didn't just get out of an affair, you said back in December that she has been out of the affair for only a month. From your other thread back in September:



smileyjay said:


> Ok where to start... Well my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months, I just found out about 3 weeks ago. She just started a new job 2 months ago and had been talking to this guy over the phone about the job and then one thing led to another and they started having an affair. It started out as attention and led to physical.


So I see that the OM is a coworker and the affair went to a PA. Then you wrote:



smileyjay said:


> I have forgave her and she says she has cut all ties to this guy but she is still working there. I have asked her to quit and she refuses so I feel they are still talking some whether she is still in the affair or that she is trying to cut the ties I don't know, she says she doesn't want to hurt him even though he has nearly destroyed our marriage.


She refused to quit the job, AND she didn't want to stop the A for fear of hurting the OM? Is this correct? Methinks you're putting too much blame on the OM than your WW. Who starts an affair almost immediately after starting work? A person looking for an affair, that's who. Or at least one who has VERY loose boundaries. Then in December you wrote:



smileyjay said:


> Ok it's been 5 months since the affair started and it has been ended for about a month. My DS wife says she loves me but she still is not in love with me. She says it's getting better each day but still not to the point where she is in love with me again. She also will not make love to me. She says sex doesn't mean that much to her, actions do.


Even after the affair is supposedly over for a month, you still get the standard WS saying ILYBINILWY speech. So by your reckoning the A supposedly ended in November by your timeline. With your WW still denying you sex and affection. You know that it's typical for a WS not to have sex with their spouse because they are still in the fog and because they want to be faithful to their lover.

Since you have not mentioned anything about her job or the OM, I assume that she still works there and OM is still her coworker, so that means they still have contact at work, am I correct? And now you wrote:



smileyjay said:


> I am 99% sure she has not contacted him in any way for over 2 months. She ended it over 2 months ago in front of me and I have kept a close eye on EVERYTHING ever since.


So this indicates that she broke NC with OM in February or March after the A was supposedly over back in September and December when you last posted. You say you are keeping an eye on everything, does that mean you are monitoring the computers via keylogger and watching the cell phone bills? Typically during an A, cheaters will take the A underground after they have been exposed. Two typical tools cheaters use are the secret email account and the secret cell phone. You haven't said if the OM is married or not. Have you exposed the A to his wife or girlfriend if he has one? Since they are coworkers, how do you even know that she hasn't broken NC? Have you used a VAR to see if she has a secret cell phone?



smileyjay said:


> We never seperated and I finally won her back a little over 2 months ago and successsfully got her to end her affair and stay in the marriage.


Now this I have a question about. If you've been reading here and other places long enough, we as BSs CANNOT win them back or force them to stop their A. They have to want to stop the A, and you usually cannot compete with OM because you are competing with a fantasy.

These are the facts as I see it based on what little information you have posted back in September, December, and now May.

1. Your WW started her job back in July 2010. Her OM is her coworker and she *immediately starts an affair* which you find out in August. She has withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

2. Your DDay is in September and she gives you the standard ILYBINILWY speech, so you immediately forgive her and start working on your own shortcomings. You try to win her back. This is typical BS fog from the initial SHock/Denial/Survival Mode stage. She is still withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

3. In December you say that the affair has been ended for about a month, and AGAIN you get the ILYBINILWY speech. Again, she is still withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

4. Now in May, you say she ended it in February or March after obviously breaking NC. Yet she is still withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

One can conclude that she is still in the FOG, and that the A is still ongoing, possibly underground by other means and possibly at work since the OM is a coworker. But it's hard to say when you only post once in September and December and now with very little follow up. Please give more details.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Ok sorry for being so vague and thank you so much for taking the interest and time to research my situation. Let me clear some things up. I haven't posted on here unless I get "stumped" so I haven't posted every single thing that has happened.
First she did quit her job at the first of November and from Nov. through the end of Feb. I believe was her time of "getting over" the other guy emotionally and detaching. And don't get me wrong, we are having sex and we are emotionally attaching but just not as fast as I would expect someone who wants me and our marriage as bad as she says. When I threatened to leave on 2 occassions since this all started (in the past 4 months) she has went totally hysterical and screaming and crying and begging me to not leave unlike I have never seen her act and says that we were meant for each other and we can get through this and that we are stronger than this.
As far as the female problems, yes they are true I have been to the dr. with her and they have been going on and off for years they have just came back recently in the past year. There is proof in the trash, etc. etc. so I KNOW for a fact that part is true. 
Anyways after she ended the affair in front of me and we started to connect again we were physical and everything was fine and had been going fairly good until I noticed that she never does any of "the little things" to show me she loves me like give me a card or send me a text out of the blue telling me she misses me or loves me. So that is why I am posting on here now, should I expect those things this soon or should I give it some time. I mean it is also a shock to her for me to show her appreciation and affection and love because I used to not do that very often.
I mean this affair really got my attention and helped me realize where I was failing in our marriage and helped me work on that and be a better husband.
My worries are not that she is contacting him again because like I said I am 99% sure she isn't (yes I am monitoring). My concerns are is she having second thoughts or is she going through the process of getting over him and what she has done.
She has also changed her cell phone number and our home phone number because when she ended it he kept burning her phone and even our home phon up. I know she could have another phone for $20 and I know she could have done all this to try to cover it up, but I just don't think so or feel it.
Another thing that makes me think the A is over is she would not talk to her best friend and another mutual friend while the A was going on because she said she would not lie to them anymore, and now she talks to them frequently and for long periods of time so that is another indicator to me that it is over.
My hunch is she is going through the process but I am starving for affection and attention like she gave him and it is really getting to me. She used to do it all the time and I took it for granted and really could have cared less because deep down I already knew she loved me, now after all this I realize I do need those things and her attention and affection and the little things. Any more input is greatly appreciated guys and gals and thank each and every one of you for your time and thoughts and input, I really appreciate it!


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Don't get paranoid about her physical issues. Give her time. Trust your gut. Just know it isn't as easy.as anyone would hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am getting the starved for affection, be careful my friend. I have had opportunities to get that affliction met, but I won't go there, just stay whatever course you choose to take, don't take the road your wife took.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Another quick thought: there may also be some guilt associated with giving you the same kind of identical affection she gave to him?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

paramore said:


> I am getting the starved for affection, be careful my friend. I have had opportunities to get that affliction met, but I won't go there, just stay whatever course you choose to take, don't take the road your wife took.


:iagree:


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

2xloser said:


> Another quick thought: there may also be some guilt associated with giving you the same kind of identical affection she gave to him?


:iagree:


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Oh don't worry, I have not intentions of trying to get my attention from ANYONE else. I don't want anyone else or I would not have went through all I have gone through for the past 8 months. I know what I want, who I want, I want my wife. But I need attention and affection from her and I need ti now and don't know what to do.. I am just desperate and starving and trying to cope.


----------



## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Smileyjay, have you actually sat down and told her what you are feeling, and exactly what you need her to do, to make you feel more loved? And also, have you asked her if there is anything she needs you to do for her in return?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> Oh don't worry, I have not intentions of trying to get my attention from ANYONE else. I don't want anyone else or I would not have went through all I have gone through for the past 8 months. I know what I want, who I want, I want my wife. But I need attention and affection from her and I need ti now and don't know what to do.. I am just desperate and starving and trying to cope.


Then you really have only 3 options now:

1. Work with her though MC and help her work through her issues, and hope she recovers OR

2. Accept that you will be in a sexless marriage and stick with it.

3. Decide this is a deal breaker for you and end the marriage amicably.

Obviously, since you are not a cheater, the 4th option of infidelity is out of the question. And seriously, that's what I hate about cheaters, they DID have other optios besides cheating and when they blame shift the BS, its just ludicrous.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Squiffy said:


> Smileyjay, have you actually sat down and told her what you are feeling, and exactly what you need her to do, to make you feel more loved? And also, have you asked her if there is anything she needs you to do for her in return?


:iagree:

I haven't met a human being who can read other peoples minds yet. Let me know if you find one.

But seriously if you don't tell her that you miss those little things she used to do for you, how is she going to know then? She may have stopped doing them simply because she thought they meant nothing to you. Maybe she misses them as well and would be overjoyed if she realizes that you want them just as much as she does. So if you haven't done so, do it now.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

I have told her that I miss and need those things on several occasssions. I sat her down last night and told her again and she revealed to me that she has been talking to the other man for 2 weeks now on the phone. Nothing physical and they haven't met and I have been with her every day and he lives over an hour away so I tend to think that is true, but I don't know what is true and what isn't anymore. I have done all I know to do and I am just lost as to how we ever got to where we are today. I love her dearly and with every bone in my body or I would not have went through all this I would have left or cheated on her along time ago. But I can't make her love me or want me and the kids. As one of you said I can't compete with a fantasy. But I know once we end it I am done with that chapter in my life, I will never go back to her. I think in some sick "fog" in her mind she thinks we are going to remarry one day if we ever divorce and I know that I am not that type of person and I will never remarry her and I have told her this, I told her last night she has one chance with me and when thats gone I am gone forever. I just feel so betrayed, belittled, worthless, useless, less of a man...I just want to crawl in a corner and hide.....


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I know this feeling well, so for your own good force your self to be positive and believe in your self that you can move on and life will be better with out her. No matter how hard it is, show her you are done and you are better then this. You need to get her to second guess her disicions.

Your letting her "cake eat" by not showing the confidence in that you are better then this. You diserve good things so start a 180 and giver her the perseption that you will succeed with out her and you can move on with out her. Right now she sees now consequence for her to continue to talk to OM.

You are so worried about pushing her away that she sees the empowerment she has over you and will continue to talk to OM becuase you will not show her the tough love of what it will be like when you move on. It's time to cut her off and that you are ready with out confusion that you are done. 

Again she has not seen or felt any real consequences. I'm sure she heard them time and time again from you, but we all know actions speak loader then words, so now is the time to act, b/c what you have done for the last two weeks hasn't worked.

Until she commits and can validate NC, distance your self.

Get the classified ads and circle some prospective apartment were she can live.

Bring home some boxes for her to pack.

Clean out and dejunk. 

Give her the perseption that you are moving towards the idea of her leaving. Make her believe that you are done and have excepted the fact that she has given up her family for the OM and it is clear to you from the last two weeks that she has made the choice.

Man up and show some tough love.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I am so sorry. 

You are not worthless. She is wrecking your self esteem because you see leaving as a one way road. It isn't. Try to think more broadly and strategically. don't close your mind to anything that isn't illegal or immoral.

Tell her to go. Show her you are through putting up with this crap and give her a set of conditions that MIGHT make you reconsider. But do not think you are on a one way road. She may straighten up with a strong man at the helm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> she revealed to me that she has been talking to the other man for 2 weeks now on the phone


Ok stop right there. Your wife had a full blown affair for 8 months and she is still in contact with the OM This explains why she's been emotionally detached from you, it's because her further contact with the OM still keeps her emotionally attached to him. She is still in the affair even though it is now an EA.

If she truly wants to save the marriage then she must commit herself to ending all further contact with the OM. Failure to do so will only lead to the end of the marriage. This should be a non-negotiable condition for you.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Ok she has told me that she was distancing herself from me for the past weeks and told the OM she was leaving me again as they had been talking again on a prepaid phone. Now after last night and I told her I was honestly done, will not put up with it anymore and left the house and requested her to be out in 3 days after me returning from work. She has came back to me begging me to not leave, that in the past 2 weeks she has realized me and her family is what she honestly wants. We have changed her phone numbers and she had bought a prepaid phone to contact him with and assures me he does not have our new numbers. She just wants to end all contact and not call him and end it, she just wants to stop. She says calling him and meeting him in the past has never worked to successfully end the affair. Is that what she should do? I mean she has told him she was leaving and I was kicking her out and that's the last thing he knew. Is the best choice to just end all contact abrubtly or her call in front of him with me on the phone and end it in conversation and explain to him it was all a mistake and she doesn't want to continue. She also wont admit it but she is not totally comfortable with me in bed as she wants ones/always have been until this happened. When should I expect her to feel totally confident in bed with me again sexually? Will that take some time? We are back to having sex, it is just a little "uneasy" feeling and "akward" at the moment. Because I want to show her it's not all about me in bed anymore like it wants was and I want to please her and it makes me happy to see her pleased. It's just very complicated but I feel the affair is actually making progress to be near the end. I am just worried about ending it by her not contacting him back in any way and leaving him with the last thought of she was leaving me again?? Any help is as always greatly appreciated. I feel like we are so close to this all being over and just want to go about it the right way. I don't know if maybe a letter to him explaining her true feelings about him, me, and her decision to be with me and her family may be the better course of action. I don't want this guy showing up on my door step, I would shoot him!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No more chances. You already gave her a second chance and she crapped on it. It is time for you to seek legal counsel just in case you choose to end the marriage. Serve her notice that you are putting the marriage on probation and you make no promises to commit to rebuilding the marriage. Inform her that her words have no value for you anymore, only her actions.

And STOP having sex with her. Inform her that you do no trust her because there is no reason for you to believe that she has stopped having sex with the OM. Let her know that she is a danger to your health/life.

No more Mr Nice guy. It's tough love from this point on and she either gets with the program or she can start packing her bags immediately.

Lastly, most women are attracted to men who don't tolerate their crap and feel contempt for men who do. Go back to the way you were before her affair - indifferent - and don't be surprised if she again starts doing those little things that you miss so much.


----------



## figment (May 27, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> Ok she has told me that she was distancing herself from me for the past weeks and told the OM she was leaving me again as they had been talking again on a prepaid phone. Now after last night and I told her I was honestly done, will not put up with it anymore and left the house and requested her to be out in 3 days after me returning from work. She has came back to me begging me to not leave, that in the past 2 weeks she has realized me and her family is what she honestly wants. We have changed her phone numbers and she had bought a prepaid phone to contact him with and assures me he does not have our new numbers. She just wants to end all contact and not call him and end it, she just wants to stop. She says calling him and meeting him in the past has never worked to successfully end the affair. Is that what she should do? I mean she has told him she was leaving and I was kicking her out and that's the last thing he knew. Is the best choice to just end all contact abrubtly or her call in front of him with me on the phone and end it in conversation and explain to him it was all a mistake and she doesn't want to continue. She also wont admit it but she is not totally comfortable with me in bed as she wants ones/always have been until this happened. When should I expect her to feel totally confident in bed with me again sexually? Will that take some time? We are back to having sex, it is just a little "uneasy" feeling and "akward" at the moment. Because I want to show her it's not all about me in bed anymore like it wants was and I want to please her and it makes me happy to see her pleased. It's just very complicated but I feel the affair is actually making progress to be near the end. I am just worried about ending it by her not contacting him back in any way and leaving him with the last thought of she was leaving me again?? Any help is as always greatly appreciated. I feel like we are so close to this all being over and just want to go about it the right way. I don't know if maybe a letter to him explaining her true feelings about him, me, and her decision to be with me and her family may be the better course of action. I don't want this guy showing up on my door step, I would shoot him!


The book Surviving An Affair addressed this exact issue (how to end the affair). It said that telling the person in a face-to-face conversation just creates more back and forth about why the relationship should end, negotitiation of terms, etc, which leads to continuing the relationship.

So they suggest a letter (they have a form in the book) where the person says it is over b/c I love my spouse--I can't ever see you again--I should never have done this to my spouse and I am committed to making it work, so please respect my wishes. Or something along those lines. That way you communicate the message without any opportunity for ongoing discussion, which shouldn't be needed if the affair is truly over.

I agree that she can't be close to you if still talking to him.

FYI--in my case--the guilt and pain that I felt from cheating kept pushing me back to the affair for a while because I couldn't handle the certain pain of facing my husband. That really wasn't a reflection on what I felt about my husband in a negative sense. I just loved him so much that I couldn't handle the pain that I had created--and staying around the OM helped me push those terribly painful feelings down for a while longer. Basically I gravitated toward him b/c the pain that I had created in my marriage was more than I was ready to face. Didn't have anything to do with actually wanted to stay with the guy.

I don't agree that you should file for divorce or that women only want guys who are mean to them. That is crazy. I chose my husband (not sure if he will choose me if he ever knows) and ditched the other guy who definitely wanted me precisely because my husband is a wonderful man and the other guy was a completely self-centered jerk.

Good luck.


----------



## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

your doing the opposite of what your supposed to do. contrary to every movie we see... "telling her how you feel" and "showing her that you love her" doesnt matter. its not a movie where the nice guy tells the girl that he has always loved her and gets the girl at the end. it doesnt matter how you feel about her it only matters how she feels about you... especially in situations like. she cheats on and disrespects you in the worse way possible and you step it up and become more affectionate... she probably get more challenge from a puppy... there is no way she respects you. 

she should be showing YOU that she is stepping it up.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It is not a matter of being mean to her or any other woman for that matter - as a previous poster alluded to - but to stop being her doormat. I've had plenty of experience with women and I've seen how many of them treat their men. The men who were not afraid of ending the relationship were treated like kings while the men who treated them like queens were often treated like paupers. And no, the majority of these emotionally strong men were not emotional icebergs or abusive a**ho** but simply good men who - after having been burned a few times - were no longer afraid to let their women go if they proved to be unworthy of their love.

I would NOT recommend Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair'. Not unless you have the emotional fortitude of Job. Instead, I recommend that you read Dr James C Dobson's book 'Love Must Be Tough' which unlike 'Surviving An Affair', doesn't tell you to be her doormat and an enabler of her affair.

You can love a woman will all your heart and soul but love is not enough if that woman violates your trust *repeatedly*.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

figment said:


> The book Surviving An Affair addressed this exact issue (how to end the affair). It said that telling the person in a face-to-face conversation just creates more back and forth about why the relationship should end, negotitiation of terms, etc, which leads to continuing the relationship.
> 
> So they suggest a letter (they have a form in the book) where the person says it is over b/c I love my spouse--I can't ever see you again--I should never have done this to my spouse and I am committed to making it work, so please respect my wishes. Or something along those lines. That way you communicate the message without any opportunity for ongoing discussion, which shouldn't be needed if the affair is truly over.


If you're going to recommend Dr Harley's methods for marital recovery to others here in this forum, at least make an effort to follow them yourself. A key to marital recovery in Dr Harley's book, is exposure of the affair by wayward spouse to his/her betrayed spouse. Something that you yourself have repeatedly resisted doing, haven't you?


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Ok to shed some light. I lived the first 13 years of our marriage acting and saying and being truthful that I didn't care if she stayed with me or left and I honestly felt that way ok. But when she did decide to cheat she said she had decided to leave but just didn't know how to go about it and did not financially at the time have the opportunity. By the time she had the finances, I had caught here and realized my wrong doings and started changing which slowed her down and made her say wait, there may be something left, in my opinion. So I have been the non caring, don't give a crap, drinking hanging out with friends all the time, staying out late her not knowing where I was (although I was not cheating I was only our drinking/playing cards with buddys). I guess my social life with my male friends were more important and it was time for me to get my priorities straight and be more considerate and be a good husband. The affair made me realize that, I have not always been a doormat. So I have a hard time going back to those ways again and expect her to stay with me or want to be with me. She wants me here, around her, and loving her and being her husband and I agree, I should be a better husband and father and I have been for the past 9 months and I have gave up drinking and hanging out all the time with all my buddies. I do still play cards once per week with my buddies which we agreed was sensible, she even plays with us usually. So my thinking is I don't need to go back to the way that I was totally, but I do need to stop loving on her all the time telling her I love her and being clinggy.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> Ok to shed some light. I lived the first 13 years of our marriage acting and saying and being truthful that I didn't care if she stayed with me or left and I honestly felt that way ok. But when she did decide to cheat she said she had decided to leave but just didn't know how to go about it and did not financially at the time have the opportunity. By the time she had the finances, I had caught here and realized my wrong doings and started changing which slowed her down and made her say wait, there may be something left, in my opinion. So I have been the non caring, don't give a crap, drinking hanging out with friends all the time, staying out late her not knowing where I was (although I was not cheating I was only our drinking/playing cards with buddys). I guess my social life with my male friends were more important and it was time for me to get my priorities straight and be more considerate and be a good husband. The affair made me realize that, I have not always been a doormat. So I have a hard time going back to those ways again and expect her to stay with me or want to be with me. She wants me here, around her, and loving her and being her husband and I agree, I should be a better husband and father and I have been for the past 9 months and I have gave up drinking and hanging out all the time with all my buddies. I do still play cards once per week with my buddies which we agreed was sensible, she even plays with us usually. *So my thinking is I don't need to go back to the way that I was totally, but I do need to stop loving on her all the time telling her I love her and being clinggy.*


Look you are solely responsible for you actions just as her actions are 100% her responsibility - this includes her affair. Don't buy the BS that "you drove/pushed her" into the arms of another man. There are plenty of men and women who came close to the ideal husband/wife and yet their spouses cheated on them.

Of course you shouldn't go back to the way you were - an inconsiderate jerk of a husband. BUT consider that she only had an affair when the opportunity presented itself to her. What does that say about her? She had opportunities to leave you/divorce you before she had her affair but she chose not to. Why didn't she take them? Cowardice. She didn't want to be alone so she settled for staying married to you.

Look I can understand that she doesn't trust your New you is for real and that once she falls back in love with you, you'll resort to the Old you. You will have to convey to her that mutual trust is based on ACTIONS not words.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

morituri said:


> Look you are solely responsible for you actions just as her actions are 100% her responsibility - this includes her affair. Don't buy the BS that "you drove/pushed her" into the arms of another man. There are plenty of men and women who came close to the ideal husband/wife and yet their spouses cheated on them.
> 
> Of course you shouldn't go back to the way you were - an inconsiderate jerk of a husband. BUT consider that she only had an affair when the opportunity presented itself to her. What does that say about her? She had opportunities to leave you/divorce you before she had her affair but she chose not to. Why didn't she take them? Cowardice. She didn't want to be alone so she settled for staying married to you.
> 
> Look I can understand that she doesn't trust your New you is for real and that once she falls back in love with you, you'll resort to the Old you. You will have to convey to her that mutual trust is based on ACTIONS not words.


You hit the nail on the head, she has said REPEATEDADLY that she does not want to be alone. But I also don't want to be 2nd choice or "settled" for. I want her to make a decision because she cares about me and wants me to spend the rest of our lives together, I don't want to be settled for. But my question still is this, she wants to just not contact him anymore and end it where it was after she called him for 2 weeks and told him she was leaving me again I was kicking her out etc. etc. I guess my question is, will it work her just not calling him back anymore or does she need to write this letter to end it all for good? I don't think talking or calling him again is going to work, it hasn't in the past.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> I don't want to be settled for. But my question still is this, she wants to just not contact him anymore and end it where it was after she called him for 2 weeks and told him she was leaving me again I was kicking her out etc. etc. I guess my question is, *will it work her just not calling him back anymore or does she need to write this letter to end it all for good? I don't think talking or calling him again is going to work, it hasn't in the past.*


Ending ALL contact with the OM along with total transparency are the ONLY ways to go if there is any hope of your marriage being saved. Otherwise you may just go file for divorce. These should be your Non-negotiable conditions to stay in the marriage and the sooner you convey this to her in a *calm, quiet and respectful way* the better.

It's going to be tough as hell for her to end all contact with the OM and commit herself to total transparency, but doing so will show how truly committed she is towards regaining your trust and saving her marriage.


----------



## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

The NC letter is for both of you. It will provide a clear message to the OM. You don't know what WW told the OM when she broke up with him. 

One of the first things a WS needs to do in order to show protection and care for the BS is send the OP an no contact letter. In this letter the WS needs to state categorically that:

-the affair was a mistake
-it caused great pain to their spouse and children (if any)
-they no longer wish any contact in any way with the OP
-any violation of the NC request will be immediately reported to, or shown to the BS
-it is final and leaves no room or requirement for the OP to respond
-it is not a goodbye letter, it is a permanent ending
-should be matter of fact, offer no emotion or expression of missing the affair partner
-it should not lament or morn the loss of the affair
-it should be written in such a way that the BS is happy with it.
-after writing 'ownership' passes to the BS to decide whether it is sent or not. It is recommended it is sent.

After the NCL is sent, any attempts at contact by the OP are to be IMMEDIATELY reported to the BS. This includes: Emails, cards, letters, text, phone calls. The aim is for the WS to provide total transparency so as to give the BS a level of security as to the honesty and commitment of the WS.

A handwritten letter by the WS, is preferable to a typed, or emailed NCL. Some people may like to send it registered mail to ensure there are no 'bunny boiler' style games of pretending it never arrived.

At no time should the WS acknowledge or respond to any attempts at contact by the OP.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

When you send the NC letter do it via a medium that requires a signature for receipt thereafter any contact from the OM can be viewed as harassment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

To clarify she did not tell the other guy it was over and that she has decided that she loves me and wants me and her family and not him, the last thing he knew is she was leaving me and then she came to me and told me that she had made a huge mistake and broke down and called him 2 weeks ago and has been talking to him on a prepaid phone. She gave me the phone and it was destroyed, sim card and all. We have changed our home and her cell numbers so he has no way to call her at the moment. She has deleted all of her email addresses with exception of one that I have access to and have never seen an email from him on that account so don't think he has that one. Her way of wanting to handle it is to just not ever contact him again and let it go and be done with it. I feel she needs to write the letter telling him it's done and over for good and let me mail it to him, if she is not willing I am ready to tell her she needs to leave and move out and it is over. I love her but I need some commitment from her in some way or another other than just words. I told her it was all or nothing with me, no more riding the fence, no more talking and lies, I need proof by actions. She is terrified I am going to leave her or try to get her back with revenge (which I absolutley have no intentions and would never do that or I would have alredy done it, I can bet my life on that) and then she would be all alone. If she will just end all contact and show me commitment I am not going to leave, and I have forgiven her but I can't keep forgiving her every day, week, or whenever she breaks down and gives in and contacts him. My question is simply do I let it go and let her just not contact this guy again and let him wonder what happened and risk him showing up on our door step one day out of the blue or do I demand a written letter to him explaining she is done with him and she wants her husband and family and what she done was wrong? I feel as though she has weaved this web and got herself into this mess and she needs to get herself out of it and fix it. Just not contacting him anymore and "sweeping it under the rug" I don't feel is going to work for very long.


----------



## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

Do you know who the other guy is? Could it be someone you both know, and that's why she trying to sweep it under the rug? 

I know I personally felt a lot better once my husband had written a no contact letter - however it was 4 weeks after d-day before he actually agreed to do so. Maybe explain to her that you really need her to do this to help you have closure.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Definitely listen to what Morituri has been saying, you follow his advice to the letter and your W will crawl through broken glass to keep you from leaving.

You are getting good advice here, trust what they are telling you even if it feels wrong. When people are so emotionally close to a situation like this they are kinda in a fog themselves and can't think as clearly just like the WS. 

There's hope here but you have to stop your old ways while at the same time show her you have one foot out the door and will kick her to the curb if she slips up. She will respect you again once you start respecting yourself and show you won't put up with her nonsense.


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Well when I told her that in order for me to see some kind of commitment from her and show me that she wants me and our marriage to work and I want her to write a letter and let me mail it certified to him she says she doesn't want to becuase it would "just open another gate". She says she just wants to end all contact and never contact him again. I am having a hard time with this as to why she doesn't want to write the letter. She says I am not going to give her ultimatums also. Well i am to the point of if she doesn't write this letter then there is no reason to continue with this marriage as that just leaves the gate open for her to continue. Again the last thing this guy was told by her about a week ago was she was leaving me again, he has not heard from her since so I don't get where her not writing the letter is going to solve the problem. He doesn't have our new numbers and supposedly no email accounts. I just don't see him giving up that easy unless she writes the letter. I think another poblem is that she doesn't understand the whole writing the letter thing. Is there a link somewhere for an explanation for what needs to be in the letter and what it should say etc.?


----------



## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> Well when I told her that in order for me to see some kind of commitment from her and show me that she wants me and our marriage to work and I want her to write a letter and let me mail it certified to him she says she doesn't want to becuase it would "just open another gate". She says she just wants to end all contact and never contact him again. I am having a hard time with this as to why she doesn't want to write the letter. She says I am not going to give her ultimatums also. Well i am to the point of if she doesn't write this letter then there is no reason to continue with this marriage as that just leaves the gate open for her to continue. Again the last thing this guy was told by her about a week ago was she was leaving me again, he has not heard from her since so I don't get where her not writing the letter is going to solve the problem. He doesn't have our new numbers and supposedly no email accounts. I just don't see him giving up that easy unless she writes the letter. I think another poblem is that she doesn't understand the whole writing the letter thing. Is there a link somewhere for an explanation for what needs to be in the letter and what it should say etc.?


You realize that your wife's still riding this OM? She's still screwing him and stringing you along! DIVORCE THIS WHATEVER!!!!!


----------



## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> Is there a link somewhere for an explanation for what needs to be in the letter and what it should say etc.?


Here is a link to another site that has sample no contact letters - the first post looks like the one Cypress was referring to, and the subsequent posts have some actual examples.

My husband was the same, he didn't want to write a no contact letter. It took several weeks before he did so, because he was still in the fog and wasn't sure what he wanted. But I have to say that I felt a lot better after he posted it. It was like a milestone for me. 

The No Contact Letter - Marriage Advocates


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> I am having a hard time with this as to why she doesn't want to write the letter. She says I am not going to give her ultimatums.


Her words have no value and the fact that she refuses to send an official NC letter to the OM speaks volumes as to her still being in contact with him.

It may be time for you to file for divorce and have her served.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

SJ, are you sure she got out of the affair? Did she get in another? Sounds like your doing the "heavy lifting". I'm not sure it will work like that, but maybe??

Good luck


----------



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

Well she agreed to write the letter but that it might take her a day or so to set down and write it but that didn't happen, instead the OM actually called me and said he could not deal with this anymore and wanted to meet immediately. He drove an hour we met and talked. Then my wife came to the meeting and I told her she had to decide then and there if it was me or the OM and the OM said the same. Very difficult situation but my wife told me she felt awful to have feelings for another man and she could not unerstand how she coudl be in love with 2 men at the same time. But she chose to stay in the marriage the OM accepted it they both told each other good bye, my wife apologized for what she had done to his life. He is single or this would have been alot more involved. And I even told my wife in front of him he's 40 years old and still single, does that not bring up any red flags to you? The OM never said one word. I mean that says alot right there, he's a player and gets off by breaking up marriages and putting women who are emotionally lost or hurt or deprived in these situations. 
Back on track though my wife has been moping around all day, not alot said and I guess that is to be expected but guys and gals for how long? It's killing me watching her break up with her boyfriend but on the flip side she is doing it for me. The affair is ended as of the moment they told each other there was not going to be Any form of contact from here on out and it was over. My wife gave me her hidden cell phone and she cut up the sim card and we destroyed the phone. We have changed all our numbers and he confirmed last night she had not given him our new home number or even knew she still had her cell phone that we changed the number on. So there has been some effort on her part to get out of the situation because she changed her cell number and then told him she didn't have one other than the prepaid GO phone she had purchased and was using. I just hope and pray this stands and in week or couple weeks from now I am not going to my attorney filing for divorce. I feel like this was the best way to end the affair. Also note she has not been physical with the OM for nearly 2 months and we have been having sex just not as often as I feel we need to. We have alot to work on but we have a 15year head start and we know each other like the back of our hands. We know exactly what the other one is thinking without speaking a word.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So now the reason is crystal clear why she hasn't been having sex with you: She was still full on in the A. That's typical behavior from a WW, because her mind is still on her OM. 



smileyjay said:


> Well she agreed to write the letter but that it might take her a day or so to set down and write it but that didn't happen, instead the OM actually called me and said he could not deal with this anymore and wanted to meet immediately. He drove an hour we met and talked. Then my wife came to the meeting and I told her she had to decide then and there if it was me or the OM and the OM said the same.


So there really was never any period where she was NC with this guy. It has been going on all this time, DESPITE her telling you over and over that its over.



smileyjay said:


> Very difficult situation but my wife told me she felt awful to have feelings for another man and she could not unerstand how she coudl be in love with 2 men at the same time. But she chose to stay in the marriage the OM accepted it they both told each other good bye, my wife apologized for what she had done to his life.


What about her apology to you for what she has done to your life and your marriage? 



smileyjay said:


> He is single or this would have been alot more involved. And I even told my wife in front of him he's 40 years old and still single, does that not bring up any red flags to you? The OM never said one word. I mean that says alot right there, he's a player and gets off by breaking up marriages and putting women who are emotionally lost or hurt or deprived in these situations.


smileyjay, you need to accept the fact that the ONLY reason she chose you over the OM was because he is a 40 year old loser living with his mama. If OM who had some money, a good career, a good home, a nice car, you would be here posting how she left you for the OM. 



smileyjay said:


> Back on track though my wife has been moping around all day, not alot said and I guess that is to be expected but guys and gals for how long? It's killing me watching her break up with her boyfriend but on the flip side she is doing it for me.


Back to mourning the affair yet again. It's killing you to watch your WW break up with her boyfriend? I would give it no more than 2 weeks, and thats being generous. Her main focus should be how she hurt you and endangered her marriage.



smileyjay said:


> The affair is ended as of the moment they told each other there was not going to be Any form of contact from here on out and it was over.


Now, this is a critical time for you. It's quite obvious that she has deep emotional feelings for the OM. The A is like a drug, and like most WS, they are addicted to the A because of all the feel good chemicals her brain gets when she meets with him or talks with him. This is a critical time period where one of them will fish for contact. Either she will try to contact him, or he will try to contact her via other means. You need to be on guard with this. Get a keylogger or other computer monitoring software, get a VAR to find out if there is another secret cell phone. Get a GPS if possible. No, you cannot stop her if she decides to resume the A, but you can be forewarned if she does break NC...yet again.



smileyjay said:


> My wife gave me her hidden cell phone and she cut up the sim card and we destroyed the phone. We have changed all our numbers and he confirmed last night she had not given him our new home number or even knew she still had her cell phone that we changed the number on.


Remember what I told you about secret cell phones? Now just because she destroyed this phone doesn't mean she won't try and get another one. Look at HurtinginTennessee's thread. His WW was in her EA, she gave up the secret cell phone and had it destroyed, then SHE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE! If he didn't have the VAR, he wouldnt have found out about the 2nd secret cell phone. She had a very difficult time letting her OM go. Looking at how your own WW has kept the A going underground after she fooled you into thinking it was over, I expect one of them to attempt to fish in order to resume contact. Don't let your guard down!



smileyjay said:


> So there has been some effort on her part to get out of the situation because she changed her cell number and then told him she didn't have one other than the prepaid GO phone she had purchased and was using.


Like I said, there's nothing stopping her from getting another one so she can get her fix. She may also try to use a secret email account that you don't know about.



smileyjay said:


> I just hope and pray this stands and in week or couple weeks from now I am not going to my attorney filing for divorce. I feel like this was the best way to end the affair. Also note she has not been physical with the OM for nearly 2 months and we have been having sex just not as often as I feel we need to. We have alot to work on but we have a 15year head start and we know each other like the back of our hands. We know exactly what the other one is thinking without speaking a word.


Your bargaining with her. Divorces aren't final until the final hearing. You can put a stop to it at any time. How do you know the PA stopped 2 months ago? Because she said so? She's lied to you since July last year, don't start believing her until she has regained some trust. 

If you are going to believe the A has ended after what has happened, and you don't verify, and you start believing her just because you want to believe her, then I sincerely believe that you are just setting yourself up for False R. Then you will be back her telling us about how your wife is back in the A. No more than 2 weeks, if it lasts more than that, you had better start investigating further and see if she has broken NC and just taken the A further underground.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Frankly I'm surprised that the OM had the cojones to want to meet with you face to face. I say this because the last thing most OM's want is to meet the husband of their MW (married woman) face to face and when they are forced to do so, they usually throw their MW under the bus. His KISA (knight in shinning armor) behavior will cause your wife to continue to pine for him for some time to come. And honestly, I don't believe that he's going to take your wife's decision to stay with you seriously because in his eyes it was all a product of duress. I'm almost certain he will wait in hiding until he gets a chance to meet with your wife face to face to convince her to leave you for him. So what can you do? Locate him and have a face to face meeting with him stating to him that you will make it your mission in life to destroy his life if he ever tries to contact your wife again. Explain to him that your wife is a very bad actress because her emotions give her away and if that is the case in the near future, then you will take it as a clear sign of renewed contact between them and you will carry out your promise. Oh and it wouldn't hurt to tell your wife that you WILL destroy him if there is renewed contact. The fate of not only your marriage is at stake but your family as well and the sooner you do it, the better.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Frankly I'm surprised that the OM had the cojones to want to meet with you face to face. I say this because the last thing most OM's want is to meet the husband of their MW (married woman) face to face and when they are forced to do so, they usually throw their MW under the bus. His KISA (knight in shinning armor) behavior will cause your wife to continue to pine for him for some time to come. And honestly, I don't believe that he's going to take your wife's decision to stay with you seriously because in his eyes it was all a product of duress. I'm almost certain he will wait in hiding until he gets a chance to meet with your wife face to face to convince her to leave you for him. So what can you do? Locate him and have a face to face meeting with him stating to him that you will make it your mission in life to destroy his life if he ever tries to contact your wife again. Explain to him that your wife is a very bad actress because her emotions give her away and if that is the case in the near future, then you will take it as a sign of renewed contact between them and you will carry out your promise. Oh and it wouldn't hurt to tell your wife that you WILL destroy him if there is renewed contact. The sooner you do it, the better.


:iagree:

The OM here will fish or contact or help her take it underground. He hasn't suffered any consequences yet.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

SJ, I fear you are deluding yourself. She will not quit, she has proven that over and over and lied to you repeatedly. 

WTH do I know, maybe this time she's telling the truth, but i doubt it.

My spouse is a lying wench also, only her OM is married and doesn't want to be outed. I don't give a Sh!t. I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut because it might embarass my kids. I don't think so, they need to know what kind of person she is and why our family ended and if the concern for our kids sake was real this would have never happened. Of course, in my case, she has explained why it is all my fault. At least yours may not be spewing that BS.

I do wish you well, good luck. I need a break for a while. Think I'll go fishing, somwhere quiet.


----------



## marrid4life (May 31, 2011)

smileyjay said:


> I have told her that I miss and need those things on several occasssions. I sat her down last night and told her again and she revealed to me that she has been talking to the other man for 2 weeks now on the phone. Nothing physical and they haven't met and I have been with her every day and he lives over an hour away so I tend to think that is true, but I don't know what is true and what isn't anymore. I have done all I know to do and I am just lost as to how we ever got to where we are today. I love her dearly and with every bone in my body or I would not have went through all this I would have left or cheated on her along time ago. But I can't make her love me or want me and the kids. As one of you said I can't compete with a fantasy. But I know once we end it I am done with that chapter in my life, I will never go back to her. I think in some sick "fog" in her mind she thinks we are going to remarry one day if we ever divorce and I know that I am not that type of person and I will never remarry her and I have told her this, I told her last night she has one chance with me and when thats gone I am gone forever. I just feel so betrayed, belittled, worthless, useless, less of a man...I just want to crawl in a corner and hide.....


Man you and I sound completly alike went thru the same thing 14 mths ago, and still working on it. Its been a rough ride of ups and down's. I don't feel the affection has been like it was before as you said getting those little texts or cards, the small important things are just lacking of still till now.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

marrid4life said:


> Man you and I sound completly alike went thru the same thing 14 mths ago, and still working on it. Its been a rough ride of ups and down's. I don't feel the affection has been like it was before as you said getting those little texts or cards, the small important things are just lacking of still till now.


Then you need to find out if your WWs A is still ongoing. She may have just taken it underground. smileyjay found out that his WWs A is still going on, that's why she is acting the way she is.


----------

