# Authority in the Home...



## mountainman_oef (Oct 8, 2011)

Ok so I was raised realatively conservative christian where the male is the head of the household and responsible for the family. I wasn't raised to boss my wife around or make things" my way or the highway" I was taught that the husband is suppossed to be the stronger one in the realtionship. emotionally, physically, mentally. He's suppossed to provide the leadership and direction for the family. His job is to provide, protect and serve his wife and subsequent dependents. 

Now I realize that times are changing and family dynamics are not what they were 20 years ago. But I have a strong type A personality where I want to lead and feel that the "head of the hosuehold" should be myself. I have always been taught that the man is suppossed to be the head of his house not in a way that he would rule over his family like a tyrant or something, but that it fell on him to protect and provide for his family. 

Now my wife and i are recently married. She graduated from one of the top art schools in the country and she cant stand the idea of me being the "head of the household" and she gets very angry that I was just "assume" that i'm the head of the household. At first that made me kind of mad because i'm the one with the job. However, i do want out family to be more modern so I told her i didn't care about the head of household stuff. i told her that we can do things different how i was raised. So when the argument was over a few days later she brings it up again. Mind you I already said I don't have to be the head of the household and that we would work together as equals. I am still conflicted about this but because i love her i'm willing to try and change. But she starts telling me how backwards thinking that was and how the rest of the world hasn't thought like that since the 20s and i start to get really mad. I feel like she is emasculating me. I don't want a wife who's just going to sit home and make babies. I want a wife that has goals and dreams and motivation. but I don't want someone who is going to take away from who i am as a man or tell me that my whole life i was raised by "hillbillys" 


Am i a backwards thinking hillbilly for thinking these things as a husband? i thought it was normal for the husband to be the head of his household. please help...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband is the head of this house.

We talk about decisions and both get input, but he ultimately has the final say. I trust him and know he wouldn't jeopardize our family for his decisions.

I like it. I don't feel demeaned because of it, even though friends laugh at me. I don't want to wear the pants in the family. I like being a traditional woman. It makes me feel protected and feminine. I am not weak, but I don't have anything to prove either. My husband is the man and he behaves like one.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are the husband, so you are responsible for the leadership of your family, according to God Almighty. I realize it's an unpopular view for an Art Major who has spent the last 4 years in Marxist and Feminist boot camp. She likely has a different opinion but she didn't create the universe. Your understanding is correct and is backed with thousands of years of successful human civilization experience. Her's has about 50 years of abject failure backing it up.
Head of the household doesn't mean you lord over everyone but it means you are responsible for their care, spiritual training, and general welfare. I don't boss my wife around and I don't make important decisions without seeking her opinion, but my wife values my leadership becauise she understands I place her welfare above my own. 
Her opinion (in the view of human civilization) is trendy, it's new, and it's one not shared by the vast majority of females residing on this planet. Too bad y'all didn't discuss these issues before getting married. They are rather important.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I will say that my friends (female) who run their households, are always complaining about their husbands. They never have sex and they rarely have anything good to say about their marriage. Their husbands sound like whiny little butt-holes. They don't respect them as men.

I'd rather be "the little woman" than live like that.


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## mountainman_oef (Oct 8, 2011)

yea... we definately should have talked about this stuff before we got married. I was niave to think all or at least most marriages have the husband as the head of the houshold.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When the crap hits the fan, she might be glad she's got a resourceful "hillbilly" instead of a pasty faced, sandal wearin', enlightened, tofu muncher.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, you will always find some who will agree with your philosophy and some who will disagree with it. 

The only one whose opinion matters and that you need to work it out with is your wife - to find a balance so that you can both have some of what you need without both of you feeling like you are giving up what you believe in.

So, can you define what areas are of concern? Work life? Children? Money? Household tasks? Decision-making? Then sit down and discuss together how those kinds of things will be managed by both of you.

Most women these days have a very strong aversion to being 'managed' or 'controlled'. After having centuries of that, women are pretty much done with that and don't want to go back to not having a voice.  That may be what your wife is feeling about you being a 'man of the house'. If not, you need to identify what the issues are that she has, so you can work on it together, and identify to her just what it means to you.

On the plus side, sometimes sparks generated by opposites can result in some pretty spectacular fireworks.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> When the crap hits the fan, she might be glad she's got a resourceful "hillbilly" instead of a pasty faced, sandal wearin', enlightened, tofu muncher.


:rofl:


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## mountainman_oef (Oct 8, 2011)

See thats what I don't understand. I'm not the kind of guy who comes home from work and is wondering where dinner is. I come home and we take turns making dinner and doing dishes, laundry and house work. I have no problem doing things around the house to help it run smoother. She is mad that I even have the idea in my head that there is a "man of the house" so to speak. She said that it makes her feel like I'm saying women aren't as good as men. When that isn't what I'm saying at all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's because she was raised to think her value is based on her role in the home. If she can't be the "head" then she isn't worth much (in her mind). It's nonsense, but it's what people are teaching their kids. Not in this house, though.

She wasn't raised to respect men for who and what they are.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

The role of husband and wife in the biblical context is so commonly and easily mis-intrepreted by spouses.

This passage is so NOT about who is dominant and who is submissive. The usage of these words in the bible have been taken SO out of the orginal context. I implore both husband and wives to read this again and again...

Ephesians 5: 22-33 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so *let* the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and *gave Himself for her*, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28* So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body,[a] of His flesh and of His bones. *31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”* 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.


This passage does not mean that the husband is the head of the household because he brings home the paycheck! Did Christ lead the church because he brought home the bacon and gave money to the followers of his church... was that His love for his church?? A husband SERVES his wife as Christ SERVES his Church! Did not Christ submit himself to John, a follower, to become baptized?? In this Christ SERVED his church and his church followed him forward. This doesn't mean that the husband makes all the decisions ... that he has grace to understand and learn FROM his followers... and in this becomes a better leader. Did not Christ wash the feet of his followers?? Christ lead his church by the Word of God... as husband shall lead his wife by the Word of God. Husbands, wives are GIVING themselves to you in trust, in everything!! If husbands do not provide as in the true meaning of leadership... of course the wife has lost respect and trust in your ability.. she will NOT follow.

This has nothing to do with a power structure... nothing to do with who is dominant or who is submissive. No leader ever CONTROLS a follower... it is of one flesh.. one cannot exist WITHOUT the other. Husbands and wives are EQUAL! 

In the biblical sense, husbands, you've got the lionshare of responsibility. And for those that truly understand this, I have the utmost respect. For in essence, any failure is the fault of the leader... be it a marriage or a corporation. For the wife or the followers, it is the capacity of forgiveness which mends the faultering leader once the error is accounted for, and change is implimented.*


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mountainman,

The world is a huge place and it is positively chuck full of women. Probably 90% of those women believe exactly as you do. As much as feminists would love to drain the last ounce of testosterone from the earth, I don't feel compelled to cooperate. Those who don't like the rules of the game can complain to the Designer or they can get out of the game. Plenty of players are waiting to take their seats. 
Turtles don't try to figure out how to be birds and fish don't try to be trees. We all have our assigned roles and the world functions better when we stay in them.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You and your wife are having the typical power struggles that all newly weds go through. You seem very ambivalent about your role as a husband. You say you were raised to believe that the man is the head of the household, but you don't want to boss your wife around. 

You state that you are the one with the job, so that gives you authority in your home, but you don't want a wife who stays home and makes babies.

Marriage is about compromise. You two will have to negotiate how decisions are made. If you are well matched, your strengths should support her weaknesses, and vice versa. When discussing issues, the areas in which you are strong, you should make the decision. When the topic revolves around her strengths, she will prevail.

Stop discussing generalities like who is the head of the household. No one will win this argument. You should be equal partners who support each other. You need to re-frame this discussion from win-lose to win-win for both of you.

When my husband and I were married for about a year, we tried to hang wallpaper together. I realized that he was much better at this task than I was, and I stopped trying to second guess his decisions, and simply did what he told me to do. 

When we discuss our weekend activities, plan vacations, and cook special meals, I lead the way because I am the more creative, spontaneous one in our relationship.

Some decisions must be made together: major purchases, job changes, how children are disciplined.

Stop talking in generalities, and figure out what areas each of you is competent in. There is no "head of household," but two adults who need to lovingly negotiate who leads in each situation. If you think that she is emasculating you, and she thinks you are trying to control her, you both will be angry and not approach marriage as a partnership. Think win-win, and not which one of you controls the other.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

mountainman_oef said:


> See thats what I don't understand. I'm not the kind of guy who comes home from work and is wondering where dinner is. I come home and we take turns making dinner and doing dishes, laundry and house work. I have no problem doing things around the house to help it run smoother. She is mad that I even have the idea in my head that there is a "man of the house" so to speak. She said that it makes her feel like I'm saying women aren't as good as men. When that isn't what I'm saying at all.


I am curious how this came to be an issue? As a head of household, you lead by example, not by edict.

Did you have a conversation about this after marriage where she got the idea that you may try to lead by edict? If so, how did that happen? Perhaps you need to evaluate your actions, so that they match your philosophy.

In any case, this is your first big test of being a head of household. Are you going to be strong enough to simply lead by example - being a man who is both respectful and worthy of respect?

God Bless.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I spent half my marriage trying to live up to the modern idea of "equality" in a marriage.

I finally realized my wife wanted and expected me to head the household.

Once I realized that our household ran a lot smoother.
Also makes my life easier actually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As an American male, you are a rare and prized commodity around the world. As a traditional, Alpha male, you are rare and prized in the United States. Resist attempts of others to transform you into something ordinary and ultimately useless. Lots of Western women have been taught to parrot feminist horse muffins but they are still women and they expect a man to be a leader. Regardless of what your wife says, she married a warrior. If she wanted Leonard, the weepy, sensitive, dope smoking poet, that's who she would have married.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I spent half my marriage trying to live up to the modern idea of "equality" in a marriage.
> 
> I finally realized my wife wanted and expected me to head the household.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think my friends who run their homes, if their husbands stood up and said ENOUGH! and took over without being nagged... then my friends would be happier women.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We can consider ourselves as progressive or enlightened as we please but in the end, we are products of millions of years of evolution and a few semesters at Berkley can't change that.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

mountainman_oef said:


> Am i a backwards thinking hillbilly for thinking these things as a husband? i thought it was normal for the husband to be the head of his household. please help...


OK. Your life model (conservative christian) ain't mine, and your background ("hillbilly") ain't either, but you have a clear view of how things ought to work. 

What I wonder is this: your avatar shows you in uniform, your address says "ft stewart" - I'll take a wild leap and guess you're a soldier.

To what extent do you take how you apply leadership / being the head of the family from the military command model?

What works well for maintaining good order and discipline among a bunch of testosterone fueled young men is not necessarily a good model for a marriage.

I say this as a former rifleman. I know how the (British) Army works, and it's a good model for an army, but less good for a marriage. I know how the Army has a way of getting inside you and guiding how you do everything. Is this something you're (subconciously) doing? Remember, she's your wife, not a comrade or subordinate. She sees things differently.

Celer et Audax!


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

mountainman_oef said:


> Ok so I was raised realatively conservative christian where the male is the head of the household and responsible for the family. I wasn't raised to boss my wife around or make things" my way or the highway" I was taught that the husband is suppossed to be the stronger one in the realtionship. emotionally, physically, mentally. He's suppossed to provide the leadership and direction for the family. His job is to provide, protect and serve his wife and subsequent dependents.
> 
> Now I realize that times are changing and family dynamics are not what they were 20 years ago. But I have a strong type A personality where I want to lead and feel that the "head of the hosuehold" should be myself. I have always been taught that the man is suppossed to be the head of his house not in a way that he would rule over his family like a tyrant or something, but that it fell on him to protect and provide for his family.
> 
> ...


Just a question-- why is having the title "head of household" important to you? How did this even come up? Were you having an argument and then broke out the "well I'm supposed to be the HOH so I get my way"?

I think for most younger modern couples, marriage and decisions have to be a compromise. For instance, with me, I spend the most time with my children (even though I now work full time), plus I have much more medical knowledge, so I make the decisions as far as healthcare. He would never question me because he knows I'm far more knowledgable than he is about these matters and trusts my decisions. When I wasn't working, he made the financial decisions but I pretty much trusted him with it and was too busy with kids to bother, so I let him. 

What is it that you want the final say-so on?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> OK. Your life model (conservative christian) ain't mine, and your background ("hillbilly") ain't either, but you have a clear view of how things ought to work.
> 
> What I wonder is this: your avatar shows you in uniform, your address says "ft stewart" - I'll take a wild leap and guess you're a soldier.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Great post


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> We can consider ourselves as progressive or enlightened as we please but in the end, we are products of millions of years of evolution and a few semesters at Berkley can't change that.


I completely agree. :iagree:

I think the same way about fertility and other such things that medicine tells us we're beyond. If that makes sense...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For the record, my husband and I are traditional in our roles but we are not religious.


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## mountainman_oef (Oct 8, 2011)

Being in the military does affect our marriage and I try very hard to leave work at work. I have deployed to afghanistan and our marriage did suffer for a little while because of that. But honestly I try to be very open with how I'm feeling and try to communicate as much as possible. I know I can't ready my wife like a subordinate and I dont believe I do that. I honestly don't remember hours the while hoh even came up now. I do remember we had resolved it and had come to common ground and it was over. However yesterday she brought it back up and was insulting me for even feeling like I should be the hoh or whatever. I lost my temper because I already agreed to try and do things different from how I was raised and I don't like feeling like a punching bag. I don't mind compromising and working together,i prefer it that way. But I feel like she wants to control everything. And I guess I have a problem with that. I don't see things her way and she wants to change me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

mountainman_oef said:


> Being in the military does affect our marriage and I try very hard to leave work at work. I have deployed to afghanistan and our marriage did suffer for a little while because of that. But honestly I try to be very open with how I'm feeling and try to communicate as much as possible. I know I can't ready my wife like a subordinate and I dont believe I do that. I honestly don't remember hours the while hoh even came up now. I do remember we had resolved it and had come to common ground and it was over. However yesterday she brought it back up and was insulting me for even feeling like I should be the hoh or whatever. I lost my temper because I already agreed to try and do things different from how I was raised and I don't like feeling like a punching bag. I don't mind compromising and working together,i prefer it that way. But I feel like she wants to control everything. And I guess I have a problem with that. I don't see things her way and she wants to change me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well I hear you on that one.... she doesn't get to control you or use you as a punching bag either.

I think, though, it's hard on women when a man deploys, and she is left at home for an extended period of time running the show, making all the decisions, and handling all the problems that arise. Then her husband gets home and suddenly wants to call all the shots.

I just really think it has to be a partnership. Each spouse ideally should respect the other's strengths enough to know which aspects each should be "in charge" of.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thank you for your service to our country.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Thank you for your service to our country.


I don't know if this was directed at me or not, but I've been in his wife's shoes. 

We all appreciate his service to our country, but the wives (or husbands) at home serve too. Believe it


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What?

I was talking to the OP for being in the military.

And I thanked him.

Why berate me about not believing that spouses 'serve'? LOL Wtf?

My family is all Army-- lifers. I know the life, thanks.

Thank you for choosing to marry a military person. Not everyone can live that life. I know I couldn't.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think my friends who run their homes, if their husbands stood up and said ENOUGH! and took over without being nagged... then my friends would be happier women.


The thing is though that in this day and age men are trained from birth about how everything is to be "equal" in everything and then our early relationships reinforce this as women are also taught this now.

This doesn`t seem to be how we as humans actually(naturally) are in intimate relationships though.

I really am glad I figured it out because life is soooo much simpler now....for everyone in my family.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

that_girl said:


> What?
> 
> I was talking to the OP for being in the military.
> 
> ...


Nobody's berating you, give me a break. It just seemed like odd timing for you to make that comment, right after mine about how when guys come home from deployment and try to immediately shift the power dynamic, when you've been on this thread for awhile. 

My comment in no way indicates that I don't respect and appreciate his service. That's all.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, we teach our daughters how to be strong, but how to be a woman. Equally valued as much as a man, but different role. And that it's ok to be 'old-fashioned'. They won't be weak...lol...I'm not weak. They'll be educated and be their own woman...but they'll understand the dynamics of family. Hopefully. LOL!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Nobody's berating you, give me a break. It just seemed like odd timing for you to make that comment, right after mine about how when guys come home from deployment and try to immediately shift the power dynamic, when you've been on this thread for awhile.
> 
> My comment in no way indicates that I don't respect and appreciate his service. That's all.


I just realized he was in the military so i said thanks.

Good grief. I wasn't trying to shift anything. :scratchhead: Stop being paranoid. I didn't even read your comments.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I just realized he was in the military so i said thanks.
> 
> Good grief. I wasn't trying to shift anything. :scratchhead: Stop being paranoid. I didn't even read your comments.


Well, gosh, thanks. Obviously you read some of them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good day


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You two need to view each situation as it comes up, and do not discuss generalities about who controls whom. That is a lose-lose proposition. You will both grow to resent each other, and resentment kills love.

Do things together that you both enjoy. Build upon your strengths, and love each other for what each brings to the marriage.


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## mountainman_oef (Oct 8, 2011)

Hey thanks for everyones comments. They have all been very helpfull. Bottom line I guess every relationship is different. What works for one couple may not work for another. I like the idea of my wife and i sitting down and talking about our strengths and figuring out how we can work together to make this marriage work.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

mountainman_oef said:


> Hey thanks for everyones comments. They have all been very helpfull. Bottom line I guess every relationship is different. What works for one couple may not work for another. I like the idea of my wife and i sitting down and talking about our strengths and figuring out how we can work together to make this marriage work.


Yes, and by initiating and leading the discussion respectfully and not devaluing her position or feelings, you would be exhibiting some very positive characteristics of the head of household. 

Best wishes.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

mountainman_oef said:


> Hey thanks for everyones comments. They have all been very helpfull. Bottom line I guess every relationship is different. What works for one couple may not work for another.


Absolutely right - but not everyone is smart enough or big enough to say that. Good for you.


> I like the idea of my wife and i sitting down and talking about our strengths and figuring out how we can work together to make this marriage work.


A good soldier adapts to the situation, and shows initiative. Double good for you!


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

I actually think being the Head of Household is highly overrated and can be much too stressful (for the man in this case and traditionally, but it could be the woman, too.)
If the man is overall responsible for what happens in the home, and has to be the provider, and the good example, that's a heavy burden to bear.

What if the man becomes sick or disabled? What if he gets laid off and money is tight? What if the wife does bad things. Then these things are all the man's fault. Being the head of household means that he has to be on top of his game at all times. He can't have an off day, or make a poor decision. What a huge amount of pressure! No wonder men who think like this consider themselves to be less of a man if they get laid off, or otherwise cannot provide for their family the way they think they need to. 

In most modern families the woman should and can step in and help out if any of these things occur. I would never want to place such burden on my husband. I know he will take care of me, and whenever he needs it I will take care of him. Both of us could take care of everything ourselves if need be. It's so much more relaxing and reassuring to be in that type of relationship. We can do the things that we are better at and we always have a back-up in each other.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People make mistakes. That's part of life.

You gotta have realistic expectations of people...nobody's perfect.

And just because the man is the head, that doesn't mean the woman just sits around doing nothing lollll...


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## jreed324 (Oct 8, 2011)

mountainman_oef said:


> Ok so I was raised realatively conservative christian where the male is the head of the household and responsible for the family. I wasn't raised to boss my wife around or make things" my way or the highway" I was taught that the husband is suppossed to be the stronger one in the realtionship. emotionally, physically, mentally. He's suppossed to provide the leadership and direction for the family. His job is to provide, protect and serve his wife and subsequent dependents.
> 
> Now I realize that times are changing and family dynamics are not what they were 20 years ago. But I have a strong type A personality where I want to lead and feel that the "head of the hosuehold" should be myself. I have always been taught that the man is suppossed to be the head of his house not in a way that he would rule over his family like a tyrant or something, but that it fell on him to protect and provide for his family.
> 
> ...


What does being the "head of the household" even mean? Are you talking about being the bill payer? Are you talking about her doing all the housework and you doing none? I don't understand.

What are you even arguing about? I agree with the way you were raised. All men, as the physically "stronger" sex should want to protect their wives. This means to me, making sure her car is safe, going out to the convenience store late at night and not sending her. 

I would love someone to take care of me but I can't even identify what that would mean. I pay the bills, I make the majority of the money but we share in the household and child rearing duties aside from discipline which has fallen to me. 

I think you should decide who is best at what and divide the duties based on that.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

Many of my girlfriends who earn high salaries tell me that "they are the boss at home". Some of them shred their husbands' ego to pieces because of their financial power. Similarly, some women who have "stay at home husband" whilst they go out to work, end up resenting them. I strongly believe that in an healthy relationship the man should have a degree of authority and not just be happy to "wear a skirt".


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## jreed324 (Oct 8, 2011)

Nickitta said:


> Many of my girlfriends who earn high salaries tell me that "they are the boss at home". Some of them shred their husbands' ego to pieces because of their financial power. Similarly, some women who have "stay at home husband" whilst they go out to work, end up resenting them. I strongly believe that in an healthy relationship the man should have a degree of authority and not just be happy to "wear a skirt".


I agree with this statement completely. I find myself making up things when I talk to other people like saying, oh I can't buy xyz because my husband wont allow it. This is such a weird thing because who really wants to need permission to do anything? 

I think a good, healthy relationship involves each person identifying their role, and both people accepting and being happy with the roles.


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## ZeroCool (Sep 23, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> I think, though, it's hard on women when a man deploys, and she is left at home for an extended period of time running the show, making all the decisions, and handling all the problems that arise. Then her husband gets home and suddenly wants to call all the shots.
> 
> .


This! I saw the OEF, avatar and location and wondered whether part of the challenge for you both was impacts of deployments and just general military life impacts. Some of what you described sounds right out of the cycle of deployment info they hand out.

When my fellow milspouses and I would talk about how to cope with deployments, one of the most commonly used terms was "routine". You get into your zone and it takes time to adjust afterwards.

If she is brand new to the military culture and has not had prior exposure to any degree, it can be a pretty big culture shock:

Think about how many of your forms say "Dependent" on them.

I used to half joke about my name being Mrs. Rank Social Security Number. 

It is not uncommon to introduce yourself as "Hi! I'm ZeroCool" only to be immediately asked who your husband is. 

You can meet someone and be dismissed out of hand for being married to enlisted or officer. 

You're "sponsored" everywhere. 

You're overtly and subtly told that everything you do reflects on your husband. Like God Forbid you wear sweatpants to the commissary to pick up bread and a gallon of milk. I'm not joking about that. It was an actual conversation I heard once. 

How about "mandatory fun"? Time to parade the wifey and kids (if applicable)

You may be able to see where I am going with this. Plus, you may not be aware but the terms and pattern of speech you use may be giving her the impression of a hierarchy without you even realizing it.

Tip: get away from the base and military as much as humanly possible. Keeps you both from that institutionalized thinking.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> On the plus side, sometimes sparks generated by opposites can result in some pretty spectacular fireworks.


It's so much better when they are created without the conflict though:smthumbup:


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## jmahan84 (Oct 31, 2011)

mountainman_oef said:


> See thats what I don't understand. I'm not the kind of guy who comes home from work and is wondering where dinner is. I come home and we take turns making dinner and doing dishes, laundry and house work. I have no problem doing things around the house to help it run smoother. She is mad that I even have the idea in my head that there is a "man of the house" so to speak. She said that it makes her feel like I'm saying women aren't as good as men. When that isn't what I'm saying at all.


I think some discussion that involves "defining" your ideas of what this head of household stuff means would be valuable. I find most of the time its simply too broad of an idea to really argue about until its clearly defined by both people. Secondly, its impossible to love someone fully that you don't respect, and women will never truly respect a weak man. I realize that's a loaded statement, so I'll expect some feedback. All I'm getting at is SOMEONE has to be in charge, and genetically speaking men seem to be more suited (forgive me for sounding sexist...i think its our aggressive nature, or testosterone or something). But believe me, if i could hand over the "head of household" crown to my wife, I would gladly do so many days. It's HEAVY!

She should really stop to think about what this will do to you if you two can't sort it out. Obviously we haven't heard her side at all, but based solely on what you've said, the end result of her emasculation will lead to her resenting and blaming you for her unhappiness in the marriage down the road. So, my advice. Be assertive. Not Rude, assertive. And show her how EASY it really can be to LET you be who you were MADE to be. She needs to see she WINS by letting you be "The man". This doesn't make her any less awesome or capable, or any more inferior. Clearly defined roles are mandatory for every marriage (in my mind), and while the man doesnt HAVE to be the head, he usually is. 

Just pick someone you or her! But find some common ground. Good luck dude. Marriage is painful some days. I'm doing an alignment on mine as we speak...wanna get some mileage out of it...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

A bigger issue is that she would make such demeaning comments to you, her husband. Doesn't matter what she thinks about the power structure, it matters whether there is mutual respect in a marriage. I'd recommend making this the primary issue in the discussions - mutual repsect. Talk about what is acceptable going forward, and be willing to commit to the same.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Firstly, check out married man sex life blog. 

I see part of this as your wifey **** testing you, don't fail them. You and your wife are Libya right now, a power vaccuum with both of you trying to establish boundaries and authority.

No man wants to be married to a ball busting soul crushing "equal" feminist. (not sayign your W is, but most young women these days can't but help to be somewhat) 

They don't really want to be treated the way they think they do either because they will eventurally resent and not respect you. It is just too hard for them to admit this after all the social programming, their hard drive crahes just thinking about it.


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