# Did I over step?



## grandspartan117 (Oct 16, 2015)

Not sure if this is the right place but it seemed to fit.

So I have been having an ongoing issue with my wife. I really don't want to type all this up again so I am going to copy/paste an email I sent to a friend. Get ready for typos! :wink2:


*FROM MY EMAIL*

So *** has been spending a lot of time talking to this person she met online who lives in Canada. And has been becoming more and more distant. So at first I was like oh that’s awesome he seems super nice (Canada eh) and I totally understand that being at home with a toddler all day could make a person go mad. Just need adult contact of some kind. So anyway it was whatever and didn’t think twice about it. 

Well one day I was playing a game on her iPhone that I couldn’t get on my phone and a message came the through and just I always have I read it off to her. So and so said whatever so I don’t have to stop. I wasn’t sneaky about it or anything and didn’t think much of it. Well then I noticed she had started deleting the conversations all together. This I found out again not by being sneaking but I unlocked her phone and it was on the chat app the convo was just gone. So I asked her about it because I thought it was odd. It turned into a big deal and there was a bit of an argument but I told her that I trusted her and wasn’t worried about it but that I thought it was strange that she had done that and it looked suspicious. That’s all. I explained that she deserves some privacy or whatever and that I would just leave it alone. 

Then things started to get weird. She has been on her phone CONSTATLY. Ignoring everything around her. I even tested the waters by slipping nonsense into our conversations to see if she would actually be listening. Like I would say a completely unrelated off the wall and usually very silly comment and then my next sentence like it never happened and would just get the same responses. (yea, mhmm, nods, etc.)

Now this app (kik messenger) is different than her texts so the little bubbles are pink and white instead of blue like texts . Any time I would get a glance at her screen it would be the kik app that she is using all the time. And the other day it got even worse. I noticed the pink and white bubbles on her screen and I asked her if I could check my game. (at this point actually wanting to check the app kik thing out and lets face being sneaking now) She quickly turned the screen away from me and said in a sec after she finished her game. Well I saw that she wasn’t on a game and was like that’s cool. She goes into he bathroom and when she came back out and give me the phone. I go into the messenger app and there is no convo. 

Now I'm legitimately upset by all of this and I confront her about it. I explain that Im not trying to start an argument but I need to know because I have this terrible gut feeling. She tried to play it off by saying she deleted the convo like 30 min ago. I tell her I saw it on her phone 30 SECONDS ago before she obviously went into the bathroom and delete it. We have a conversation about it and come to the conclusion that I am just being silly. Its normal to be a little jealous. And that I just need to relax because its ok. I agree that I wont ask to use her phone anymore and I suggest to her that she put a new code on her phone to stop me from invading her privacy. Because I do legitimately think I'm taking it too far and making a mountain out of a mole hill. 

So the next few days go by and I try my best not to think about it. I'm sure I'm just letting my mind wander to far and its harmless. After all the guy is in Canada. Not like he is a neighbor or something. How much harm can really be done by it. Well yesterday I am doing laundry and she was in the bedroom listening to Spotify. That’s cool. I come into the room with clean laundry and there's the pink and white chat bubbles. She quickly switched to Draw something and this kills her music. And it just seems odd. I'm like can you go into ***** room and put away her laundry. She does so but not without huffs and puffs. 

I find another outfit mixed in with out stuff so I go back to ***** room. The door is shut (not all the way but mostly) so I walk in and she is standing behind the door on her phone. What do you know pink and white chat bubbles. So now I'm like Meg what the heck. Why cant you just put that thing down for 5 min and do something. We begin fighting about it. We work it out by agreeing to disagree. 

I finish up laundry and sit down to relax and play some Xbox. She is on the other end of the couch doing whatever. (I assume chatting) Well he is out with a buddy drinking and is sending videos now. Now I decide this is where I draw the line. I'm tired of trying to rationalize this. I'm not a jealous person but everything is not adding up to me and its effecting me and starting to eat me up inside. I decide I'm going to sleep on it before letting my emotions run wild. So that we can discuss it and not fight. She says she is coming to bed with me. We lay down she stays on her phone I roll over and try to sleep. (11pm at this point)

I wake up and Meg isn't in bed. I go out to the living room an there she is. Headphones in chatting away. I stand there for at least 2-3 min in silence, waiting for her to see me. Not hiding. Not sneaky. Standing in plain sight. She looks up and sees me. Asks what's wrong (I'm visibly upset and on the verge of tears) and seems concerned. Locking her phone as she asking me. 

I begin crying and I ask her to let me see her conversation. She says no. At this point I am in full on tears and start having a panic attack. BEGGING her to let me see it. I will NEVER ask again if she just shows me that I am being ridiculous and over jealous. I tell her I KNOW I am crossing privacy lines and acting completely nuts but I have to see it. I've never felt so wrong in my life but I just have to know that I'm either being ridiculous or not. I need to know I'm not a crazy controlling husband. (I'm NOT that person and don’t want to be)

She still says no so I tell her that our relationship is on the line now and I cannot let it go. Making myself feel like an even ****tier husband. She finally agrees because let face it I am acting CRAZY AS FCK. (I can honestly say that I was) I told her that I know I am being crazy and that if its nothing then why wont she just show me. She finally agrees. There nothing sexual in nature but she made a flirty comment about how she is glad they are having fun, especially him. She says his friend is just drunk and horny. Her response was "I'm one of those"

I flip my **** and throw the phone as hard as I could. I tell her Ive NEVER felt so disrespected in my life. I begin have another ever worse panic attack. I cant breathe, I am FREAKING OUT. I tell her I just need 5 min to myself. I am still, even now, trying my best to stay rational. I come back still having an attack and SHE IS STILL TEXTING HIM EVEN NOW!!!! Says she was just telling him to hold on. As if I give a rats a$$. Showed me the next few lines down and she said she was drunk. She isn't obviously and she is straight up flirting with the guy. She starts in with I down own her. And it doesn’t mean anything. I am being silly and out of line. 

I don’t think I am at all and just done have anything left to feel. She storms away and I go to bed alone…. Again. This morning I get up get together and I don’t wake her for a kiss goodbye like I have done every day for 5 years. She calls me before I can leave the lot crying. Asking why I didn’t kiss her. I said I forgot;. Now she is crying because I never forget. Even when we fight I still always make sure to give her a kiss before I leave. (you never know if it’s the last) I tell he I didn’t forget. Now she is crying more. Its just been a ****ty morning for sure. I cant concentrate on ANYTHING and my head it pounding.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're not overreacting. She's having an emotional affair with this man. You had every right to demand to see her phone in paragraph 4. Perhaps in paragraph 2. You've let it gone on way too long blaming yourself for being the crazy one. You're not crazy. She's cheating. Don't apologize or feel crazy for "snooping."


----------



## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're not overreacting. She's having an emotional affair with this man. You had every right to demand to see her phone in paragraph 4. Perhaps in paragraph 2. You've let it gone on way too long blaming yourself for being the crazy one. You're not crazy. She's cheating. Don't apologize or feel crazy for "snooping."


Absolutely right. So the question now is where do you go from here? You need to talk with your wife and establish some boundaries. You cannot control what she does, but you sure as hell can control how you're going to deal with her if she continues with her EA.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

So, what are the consequences for not abiding by your ultimatum?

If you're just going to throw a tantrum and not do anything about it, not much is going to change. Also, the crocodile tears, a guys worst enemy. That alone will disarm any man and make them cave in on their demands.

I'm not saying go nuclear on her, but if you have boundaries and she's crossed them. She's gotta make a choice, stick to the boundaries or ?????? And you fill in the ????? part.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you caught her cheating...simple as that


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

My goodness.

There is concept that spouses should understand and respect as one ingredient for a successful marriage. It's called "reasonable marital boundaries". Now some couples are more liberal in regards to what "reasonable" is; but I can assure you that you aren't crossing privacy lines. Instead, your wife has crossed any definition of a liberal marital boundary. In fact it's very obvious that your wife is having an EA with this OM.

So no, you didn't overstep at all; but you did make a number of mistakes in handling this. Mistakes that make you look weak in your wife's eyes. Ex. crying and begging for her phone, telling her she could put a passcode back on the phone. I'm not trying to be critical, but it's clear she is control of your relationship.

As I see it you have two options. 

1 - Make her understand that there is no privacy in marriage except closing the door to the toilet. Tell her you can't control what she does but that you can control what you accept from her; that you will no longer accept her communicating with this OM; and that you expect absolute transparency from her going forward. If she doesn't comply then you have to be ready to divorce her over it.

2- Pretend everything is cool, don't mention this issue for now. Then you go get that smoking gun evidence to prove she's having an EA;- which I am confident you will find - if you ask for and follow the monitoring advice given here. The first method I would use, is putting spyware on her phone. (Of course you've made that much more difficult by telling her she can passcode protect her phone). 

It's time to put your big boy pants on friend.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

there is probably a lot more to those texts that you have not seen.

now you know she is flat out cheating with a emotional affair.

if you need/want to know how deep it goes( like did they ever talk about meeting up or maybe more sexting did she send nude photos) you are going to have to get the phone and do a recovery on it.

*it sounds like it is time for her to "lose" the phone (people lose them all the time) take it off site out of the house to give you time to get any information off of it.*


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

First thing you need to learn about is privacy. Privacy is the bathroom, not take your phone to the bathroom, but the three S's. Phones are not private, conversations with men are not private. Her deleting means she knows its wrong. You talk almost as if she is a child and not a grown woman. So what do you do? 

You treat her like a grown woman, you give consequences that a grown MARRIED woman should get. If I were in your shoes, I would come home and hand her a business card from my lawyer. Tell her all communication goes through the lawyer. Go to the bedroom and move her stuff into another room. In this case as brutally as she said no to your seeing the phone. As few steps as necessary, you'd be amazed how far things fly when in rage. 

Tell her if this has any chance to work she write out everything she has said to this idiot. For example, "we should meet", then how many times she said that. How many I love you's, you need the full story. Anything she says to you say try again. She is lying so you can't believe anything she says. 

Take the phone away, and tell her to make a choice if you want to reconcile. No contact written and sent from your phone. All information about him she has she gives to you, she will also tell you he isn't married. Don't be so sure and run a check on him. If married contact the spouse and give them all the information your wife wrote to you. If your wife tells you no to anything, then all communication goes through the lawyer. Tell your wife that protecting a stranger you've never met over her husband is despicable. Then 180 hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

badmemory said:


> My goodness.
> 
> There is concept that spouses should understand and respect as one ingredient for a successful marriage. It's called "reasonable marital boundaries". Now some couples are more liberal in regards to what "reasonable" is. But I can assure you that your wife has crossed even that boundary. In fact it's very obvious that your wife is having an EA with this OM.
> 
> ...


agree but i added one thing


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

1. go dark on her. ZERO CONTACT.
2. call a lawyer and find out what your options are.
3. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for "invading her privacy." That's not what you did.
4. What you need to know is that she is likely spending every waking hour chatting with him, videoing him, and talking to him about what an a-hole you are and getting emotional support. What you also need to know is this Canadian dude (we get horny up here too, eh) isn't gonna fly down and steal your wife -- he's gonna laugh about it to his buddies.
5. your wife is going to escalate this the more you chase her. So stop chasing her.
6. move out of the bedroom and look up the 180.
7. gather evidence -- whatever you can -- and back it up in a safe place.
8. keep a journal with a timeline of what's been happening. It can help keep you sane and keep things straight.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Also buy and read "not just friends."

Any contact with her must begin with her admitting that what she did was wrong.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

get her phone and go James Bond on it and find out exactly what the texts entail. If she won't let you do that, she doesn't deserve to be married to you.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

OP, how did she meet this guy? Do you know if he travels for business?


----------



## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

She's cheating. Don't let her twist or mince what's going on. You're not crazy. If it was harmless, she'd show you. I wouldn't be surprised if they're exchanging nudes. I'm sorry, man.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

JoeHenderson said:


> She's cheating. Don't let her twist or mince what's going on. You're not crazy. If it was harmless, she'd show you. I wouldn't be surprised if they're exchanging nudes. I'm sorry, man.


they may have already met... Canada to US is not big travel...


----------



## grandspartan117 (Oct 16, 2015)

I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse. 

This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship. 

I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
> 
> This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
> 
> I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.


Very respectfully, you don't sound like you're strong enough to really lay down the law about what you expect from her. Do you realize she IS having an affair??


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

grandspartan117 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. *I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.*
> 
> This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
> 
> I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.


well OK, but you mostly found out by being a little sneaky. 
Now that you will confront her she might just take it deeper underground. just keep that in mind.
you just need to cover you bases, protect yourself from more harm.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

grandspartan117 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
> 
> This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
> 
> I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.


Do NOT do this, buddy.

She will be expecting this. You're gonna walk thru the door defenseless and she's gonna level both barrels at you.

Take your mouth and close it, and do the same with your need to resolve this.

This is her job to resolve or she will lose you. The sooner she figures that out, the less traumatic and escalated this will get.

The only way you will get there is to stop talking to her and act like you're done with her. Then she _might_ grasp that she needs to come clean and reconcile.

Otherwise your best outcome is going to be the both of you sweeping this under the rug and pretending it didn't happen, and the worst is that she continues on with her EA with you complicit in it.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

grandspartan117 said:


> Asking why I didn’t kiss her. I said I forgot;


And this, my friend, sums up your problem. You had all the reason and opportunity to say something like "Because you have disrespected me and this marriage and our relationship is now on the line." but instead you said "I forgot".

Take the bull by the horns and stand up for yourself. Otherwise she will continue this behavior until the day she drops divorce papers in your lap.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Read this:
The Pretzel Logic of the 180 - ChumpLady.com


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

grandspartan117 said:


> I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.


For a BS with a wife in an EA; you couldn't be more wrong. You have every reason to discretely monitor her. All you need to do is be good at it. It's a skill that can be easily learned with the help you can get here.

But if you chose just to confront only, that's your call. Just be aware of one thing. Even if she agrees to stop contact and be transparent; now opens up the possibility of her taking the EA underground - being much more careful not to get caught. And that's not a good combination with a husband who refuses to monitor her.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, Marduk gave it to you straight. So did others.

For some reason, ppl come here looking for advice, but think we don't know what we are talking about.

My man, your situ is not unique or different. Same game, just players.

BUT think !!! She is treating YOU like this for some guys she never even met.
How bad do you think it could get, if she met someone while at the store??
Well, you just better hope not getting that kiss finally woke her up.

The biggest problem we see here, is with the BS.

I hope you and her can affair proof your marriage going forward, but if you don't take this for the serious marital violation, that it is, then you will be back here again, and it will be worst.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

marduk said:


> 1. go dark on her. ZERO CONTACT.
> 2. call a lawyer and find out what your options are.
> 3. DO NOT APOLOGIZE for "invading her privacy." That's not what you did.
> 4. What you need to know is that she is likely spending every waking hour chatting with him, videoing him, and talking to him about what an a-hole you are and getting emotional support. What you also need to know is this Canadian dude (we get horny up here too, eh) isn't gonna fly down and steal your wife -- he's gonna laugh about it to his buddies.
> ...


I agree except that I think you're failing to give your countrymen credit. I live near the Windsor border. I can be in Canada in less that 30 minutes if the crossing lanes are running smooth. If the OP lives in a border state it would be easy for his wife to physically meet up with the OM. I know a couple local wives lured to the dark side by you wily Canadian men.



grandspartan117 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
> 
> This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
> 
> I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.


There is something you need to understand here. You can tell her what your boundaries are using theme music and colorful graphs. She may even decide to agree with you. However, that doesn't mean anything at all. 

She's already been lying to you. She knows very well what she is doing is wrong or she wouldn't have been deleting evidence and behaving so defensively and erratically. She's broken trust. You can't believe anything she says. Unless and until she rebuilds your trust, everything she says must be verified.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I read this often on this site where a spouse says they want to honor the other spouses right to privacy. when wedding vows are taken ALL rights to singular privacy are waived in favor of openness and transparency to your spouse. Secrets are for espionage agents and politicians not for married individuals. Logically who is being sneaky, you who would like to know what your WIFE is doing or your wife who is keeping that from you? I see your wife as the sneaky one here and you as too passive to put a stop to it.

Also, you are not through fighting for her? Here is a newsflash for you there does not exist a relationship anywhere wherein there is only one person, it takes at least two. If she isn't fighting then defeat is eminent, despite your best efforts. You must enforce some boundaries if you have any hope of her respecting you. Either she joins the fight or you may as well surrender. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You titled your thread 'Did I overstep?'

Having that mindset is not going to solve the crisis your M is in due to your WW's EA.

You need to start seeing this from the perspective of, 'Did I deliver enough consequences for her to realize her M and family are hanging by a thread?'


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MJJEAN said:


> I agree except that I think you're failing to give your countrymen credit. I live near the Windsor border. I can be in Canada in less that 30 minutes if the crossing lanes are running smooth. If the OP lives in a border state it would be easy for his wife to physically meet up with the OM. I know a couple local wives lured to the dark side by you wily Canadian men.


My point is that Canadian girls are awesome. 

Besides, he's single and bar hopping and likely hooking up on his own. He won't likely work that hard to score with some American chick who's married and with a toddler when there's awesome single Canadian babes up here... And winter is on its way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One more piece of advice 117,

You plan to confront her. Fine. But re-call the last time you did this you lost control of your emotions. Don't talk to her until you have calmed yourself down. Have in mind what you will say to start, and what you will say given her possible responses.

Be calm, be confident, be non-emotional, don't negotiate with her. Nothing wrong with reminding her that you love her, as a beginning of the conversation. Also remember, if you draw a line in the sand and then erase it later; that's the worst case scenario.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@grandspartan117 - You didn't overstep. If anything you didn't do enough.

1) You caught your wife red handed in an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it's not CHEATING. It still IS. She is disrespecting you and minimizing it. 

2) There is no privacy in marriage unless your in the bathroom. Sorry, I don't prescribe to that nonsense. She's YOUR wife, you are supposed to grow old and DIE with this person. You should know everything about her and she should be an open book and if she's not THAT'S a concern. Vice versa applies as well, if you have nothing to hid then neither should she. 

3) It's ultimatum time. The "friendship" ends now. It's YOU or HIM. She needs to send a "NO CONTACT" message to this guy (approved by you) and delete/block him IMMEDIATELY. Then you can focus on marriage counseling and rekindling your love. If she refuses, then it's probably to late. Do the 180 and have her served divorce papers MAYBE that will wake her up. 

4) Your reaction was natural and understandable but to her it came across as weak. Going forward, no more crying, begging or pleading. Start going to the gym and diet if you have to. Start to alpha up. Get off the xbox and get out of the house more. Be the MAN and she will notice the change and start respecting you again.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

convert said:


> well OK, but you mostly found out by being a little sneaky.
> Now that you will confront her she might just take it deeper underground. just keep that in mind.
> you just need to cover you bases, protect yourself from more harm.


this. I could not like it more than once, so I reposted it. Please read this again, until it sinks in. You need the whole picture to decide what is right for you and you won't get it by being nice. There is no room in M for secrets, especially secrets between a spouse and OSF.


----------



## grandspartan117 (Oct 16, 2015)

I'm trying to absorb as much as I can here. And I get it I need to man up and work my way through it. But I am confused should I pull a 180 or should I say screw it all together and get out? Or is that one in the same? I dont fully understand this 180 stuff.


----------



## Lots to Learn (Aug 21, 2015)

You are getting good advice here, suggest you take it.I encourage you to keep reading this forum. Specifically threads with titles like...is my spouse cheating? or my spouse is always on their phone. You will see a pattern, and regreatably yours will be no diferent.

We have all been there, and we all recognize that it is difficult to accept considering where you are in the timeline. Like I said, keep reading and you will see that 90% of the time its a EA or PA.

We also all recognize that where you are, you are reluctamt to rock the boa,t so to speak. I encourage you to stand your ground here. What your wife is doing is crossing a boundary by any marriage standard. Imagine a time in the past before this all started. Imagine the situation was reversed. Do you believe your wife would have accepted this behaviour from you? Would any reasonable person?


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

grandspartan117 said:


> I'm trying to absorb as much as I can here. And I get it I need to man up and work my way through it. But I am confused should I pull a 180 or should I say screw it all together and get out? Or is that one in the same? I dont fully understand this 180 stuff.


Do what is necessary to find out what she has been doing.

If you are going to stay with her, establish and enforce boundaries.

If she continues, emotionally disengage (180) to prepare yourself for life without her. This also has a small chance of re-attracting her to you, but DO NOT do it for that reason.


----------



## grandspartan117 (Oct 16, 2015)

OK I am at the library trying to research all of this but I am going to need to get home soon. What should my game plan be? Talk to her more about it? Or keep my distance and monitor the situation?

My natural reaction is to get home and jump right into trying to save our marriage. But everyone is saying that will push her underground. some say do a 180 some say its bull. This huge fight happened just last night and I don't know what to do when I get home. At this point I don't even want to go home just to sit there in the akwardness of it all.



Buddy400 said:


> Do what is necessary to find out what she has been doing.
> 
> If you are going to stay with her, establish and enforce boundaries.
> 
> If she continues, emotionally disengage (180) to prepare yourself for life without her. This also has a small chance of re-attracting her to you, but DO NOT do it for that reason.




I was typing this when you posted this. So we are all in agreement that I SHOULD do a 180. Unless its too late for that then start prepping myself for the rest of my life?


----------



## grandspartan117 (Oct 16, 2015)

I realize it may seem that I am not picking up what you are all saying. But this just happened last night and I am still so overwhelmed with it all.


----------



## Lots to Learn (Aug 21, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> I realize it may seem that I am not picking up what you are all saying. But this just happened last night and I am still so overwhelmed with it all.



We get it. Its difficult but you need to recogzize you are at a critical phase. You will get more advice from those who are mpre knowledgable than me. In my mind detatch somewhat and gather more information. You cannot have a meaningful discussion without it. She will simply deflect, she is caught up in the excitement of the attention she is getting from the OM. 

Like I said it early for you so you are feeling like you dont want to over react. You need to. What you are demanding is completely reasonable. Privacy is for the bahroom, secrecy has no place in a marriage.


----------



## grandspartan117 (Oct 16, 2015)

Lots to Learn said:


> We get it. Its difficult but you need to recogzize you are at a critical phase. You will get more advice from those who are mpre knowledgable than me. In my mind detatch somewhat and gather more information. You cannot have a meaningful discussion without it. She will simply deflect, she is caught up in the excitement of the attention she is getting from the OM.
> 
> Like I said it early for you so you are feeling like you dont want to over react. You need to. What you are demanding is completely reasonable. Privacy is for the bahroom, secrecy has no place in a marriage.


Thank you. I am heading home now. Wish me luck!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie and hide. There should be NO secrets in a marriage or you won't have one soon.

Crying in front of her makes you look weak and pathetic!!! Very unattractive to women.

You need to Man up and fast. If you want to save your marriage. 

She needs to know you won't stand for this behavior. If you can't do that the OM will be her main man and you will be a plan B.

You have a lot to learn.

Welcome


----------



## Lots to Learn (Aug 21, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> Thank you. I am heading home now. Wish me luck!


We are pulling for you. This community has helped many people, myself included.


----------



## Lots to Learn (Aug 21, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> Thank you. I am heading home now. Wish me luck!


We are pulling for you. This community has helped many people, myself included.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

grandspartan117 said:


> I was typing this when you posted this. So we are all in agreement that I SHOULD do a 180. Unless its too late for that then start prepping myself for the rest of my life?


No, act normal while you gather evidence. Otherwise, she'll just take it underground.

When you have evidence, confront.

If it's something that you can live with (or there is no evidence that anything happened), then set and maintain boundaries.

If this does not work, THEN start the 180.

The only time to confront prematurely is CERTAIN that it is about to go PA.

Got to be off-line now. Others know more about this than me.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know he really lives in Canada? You would be shocked how many women have packed up, maybe left kids behind, and moved across the country for a man they have never met.

How do you know he hasn't visited your area?

Have you checked the phone bill for calls while you're gone?

We can probably help you get deleted texts, what kind of phone does she use?

She's being coached.

An EA can be as bad or worse than a physical affair.

Your wife is extremely addicted. No matter what happens, you will have to monitor her closely. Detective work is now your life for quite awhile if you want to save your family.

You need both books linked to below. MMSLP is for you, NOT JUST FRIENDS is for you both.


----------



## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

Start divorce preceedings.


----------



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Becoming a stay at home Mum was so much harder than I thought it would be. It's easy to loose your mind! There are all the hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, stress, your attention is constantly demanded by a little person...oh how I yearned for adult contact & communication. 

I chose new crafty, arty hobbies so I could work on my own projects while my kids were doing toddler versions of the same. Whilst researching things I met a new friend on the Internet. We had so very much in common it was freaky! Within a week we were talking daily...sometimes it was a shock how many times we talked throughout the day. We became so close. I can't remember when I started sharing secrets, fears, hopes & dreams & I'm not sure when "I love you" became our regular sign off. Within 6 months we were scheming & planning on how/when we were going to meet. 

I'm just saying its so incredibly easy to slip into these things. I wasn't experienced with the Internet. It was shocking how intimate I felt with a stranger I'd never even met! We even joked that I could be a dirty old man pretending to be a young stay at home Mum. 

In my case there was a HUGE difference... My friend is a married straight woman & so am I!!! My husband was well aware of our relationship. He could read ALL of our correspondence if he wanted to...Why not?? I had NOTHING to hide. Why would it bother me?? Like any friend, if she said something interesting or funny I would share it with my H. Wouldn't you do the same? When we met my whole family travelled to stay with her family & our H's became great friends. Isn't this the kind of HEALTHY, HONEST relationship you would like your W to be having? 

I've told you my story because I can imagine how an innocent Internet relationship can so easily get out of hand between members of the opposite sex. My marriage has been devastated by an emotional online affair between my H & his ex mistress. My beloved brother ended-up taking his own life after his marriage was destroyed by what started as an innocent Internet friendship. His wife ended-up traveling with their young children from the UK too Holland to meet her affair partner. ANYTHING could of happened to them! No-one knew where she was going with the kids or who she was meeting. 

I strongly believe there shouldn't be secrets in marriage. Not because of the devastation relationships have caused in my life but because I still dream of having a completely open, honest, transparent relationship in marriage one day. I don't want secrets & lies. They cause distance & walls to intimacy. I hope your W wakes-up & realizes how destructive this is even if they haven't crossed any lines into a blatant affair. It's already causing a lot of pain & damage. It can't be anything good if she refuses to share it with you. If anything was that great I'd want to share it with my husband. Why keep it hidden & delete innocent correspondence? Why not encourage a 'friendship' between you & him if there's nothing untoward happening? 

Please let us know how your talk goes. I'm pretty new to these forums but I've already been amazed by how accurate seasoned members are.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The 180 is basically an attitude of indifference. You need to let her know that she does not have all of the power. When you cried and begged her to tell you what was going on you severely weakened yourself in her eyes and she feels empowered to do as she pleases, knowing that you will do nothing. The 180 helps you do two things specifically, it allows you to focus on yourself and detach from her and it takes much of her power away by limiting how much she can manipulate you and diminishing her feeling that she has you wrapped around her little finger. When you show indifference to her she will see that you are no longer going to allow her to control and manipulate the situation. In other words, you show her that you are ready to move on without her.

This jolt of reality sometimes causes a turn around in a WS's behavior but not always so do not count on that occurring. If it happens and you want to R then so be it but either way you must begin to usurp her power and take more control over the situation. As you do you will begin to see life without her as not nearly as bad as you imagined and you will begin to see that it is preferable to having her in her current state. You will also grow stronger and less "dependent" on her. It is really your only way forward since remaining where you are is undesirable. Begging and pleading with her will only prove to strengthen her belief that you are weak and that she can completely control the situation. It is up to you. I wish you good fortune.


----------



## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

GRandspartan, as in Michigan State, that means you're close to Canada and she will go meet this guy if she has not already. 

I've never seen such concensus in any sort of forum/comment section, you need to get tough ASAP. Your getting pushed around, and this will accelerate.

Panic attacks can be handled, if you are religious, God would tell you " he's got the worry, you enjoy your life"


----------



## Needtodecide (Sep 19, 2015)

Also, get a handle on all finances, company retirement accounts, insurance policies everything. Talk to those in the know because if it goes south you want to be ready to move with a plan, and fast.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. *I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse. *
> 
> This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
> 
> I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.


You should NOT be apologetic about checking on your obviously emotionally cheating wife. If you spend sometime on this and similar boards, you'll see the pattern. The few men that post their stories about the quick actions they took, filing D, going 180, and concentrating on being the best men they can become have wives that quickly come out of the fog. But sadly more are timid like you and have wives that up their disrespect. I don't know how many husbands' threads I read where it was caught at the EA stage only for it to go PA due to the wife's discuss with their husband's weakness. 

Also ,don't for a second think that POS won't take a flight for some married pv$$y. Read it here SO MANY TIMES. I wouldn't be surprised if they're not having cyber sex. You need to lay low and go 007. VAR velcroed to bottom of passenger seat of her car and another in the room that she sneaks off to. Weightlifter is the guru when it comes to the James Bond stuff. What type of phone/tablet does she have. The experts on this board can recommend an app to retrieve what she deletes. You're fighting for your marriage. Now's not the time to be altruistic. She'll see it as weakness anyway.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

grandspartan117 said:


> I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.


 See that up there ^^^^^^? You just raised the white flag and are headed for more of the same.

She's the one screwing everything up. You gave her an inch and she took a mile and now your ready to give her a mile and she's going to take ten miles.

She caused this. SHE NEEDS TO FIGHT FOR YOU AND HER MARRIAGE! If you go home and try to nice your way through this all you'll do is get the same old thing. 

Those tears aren't anything but her seeing the future with her lifestyle changed in a way she isn't ready for, not because she hurt you and you damn well better understand that.

What you need to do is let her know that she kicked you in the teeth and low balled you with complete disrespect and that was the first and last time you'll have that happen to you.

You let her know that these conversations with Dudley Do Right up north are over and her big problem at hand is proving to you that she can be the wife you expect her to be and there will be no more chances.

You tell her to change the pass code on the phone so you have access to it and for her to never delete anything off the phone. Let her know that she's got one foot out the door and you'll slam it on her if she does it again.

Time to drop the hammer on this hard. If you were doing what she's doing I promise you that you would be sleeping in your car. Stop being the nice guy and stand up for yourself and have her do the heavy lifting to prove herself or else your in for a whole lot more trouble.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> OK I am at the library trying to research all of this but I am going to need to get home soon. What should my game plan be? Talk to her more about it? Or keep my distance and monitor the situation?
> 
> *My natural reaction is to get home and jump right into trying to save our marriage. *But everyone is saying that will push her underground. some say do a 180 some say its bull. This huge fight happened just last night and I don't know what to do when I get home. At this point I don't even want to go home just to sit there in the akwardness of it all.
> 
> ...


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Haven't read all the comments but don't let her crying manipulate you. Tell her you have no interest in kissing a woman who's involved with someone else. 

When she denies it tell her not to insult your intelligence and if it's not big deal you'll find another woman to talk like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The beauty of the 180 (chumplady's version of it, anyway) is that it is a win-win scenario... for _you._

If you disconnect and get ready to leave, and she's unremorseful or you decide you don't want her back, you're set up well for that -- because emotionally you'll already be in that place.

If you disconnect and she's remorseful and you decide to work on things, you're well set up for that -- because emotionally you're ready for the BS that wayward spouses usually will throw your way along the journey. And she'll know that you're serious.

No more crying for you, buddy. Not in front of her.

Save it for your buddies, save it for your shrink, or save it for here.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

This is not the time for weakness. You have enough red flags, she's cheating and she knows it is wrong. That's why she's trying to delete things and cover her tracks.

If she had nothing to hide, then she would be hiding nothing. What does that tell you?

You know the score.

Oh, and just because he lives in Canada doesn't mean that he can't catch a fight to wherever you live now.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I skipped your primary question.

No, you did not overstep.

However, your wife certainly has.


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

She is cheating on you and right in front of your nose. She is with you in your mar. bed and she keeps texting him and sending him photos of her. Bad mouthing you to her "lover boy".

You didnt "invade her privacy",she is your wife and if she keeps hiding her phone and protecting it from you,then she is not your wife,maybe close friend.

Dont cry in front of her please,go to park and cry there just dont do it in front of her.

Can you imagine what she does when you are gone to job ???

Also are you sure this OM is from Canada,maybe she met him at the store and keep lying to you about it like she lied about everything else?

One more thing,you dont fight for your wife or husband when they cheat on you. They should fight for you and apologize to you.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The reason we are asking how you know he lives in Canada is because your wife has been lying to you. Why do you think she is telling you the truth about anything?

She's been cheating. Now, everything that comes out of her mouth, everywhere she goes, everything she does has to be verified.

Have they managed to meet up?

Have they been setting?

Have they been planning to meet up?

Is she planning on running off with your kids to another country?

Has she talked to a lawyer?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to shock your wife with ACTIONS. You need to show righteous anger. NO MORE TEARS. She wants to give her attention to another man, then SHE sleeps on couch or guess room. YOU STAY IN MARITAL BED. Split the finances. Don't finance her cheating lifestyle.
Look up the 180 and implement it.
Hit the gym HARD. not only to get "hotter," but to up your T levels. 
Improve your look. Clothes, hair, hygiene, teeth whitener, ETC. 
Start getting out of the house doing some manly activities/hobbies.
Reconnect with male friends.

Years of marriage can get us complacent and weak. Doing these things will make you mysterious & appealing. The improvements combined with you pulling away may cause her to snap out of it. If not, you'll be a better man to face divorce. 

Remember to not project what you want as what she will want. You try to be nice, sweet, caring, and helpful because that's what you want in a woman. But woman find that weak and needy. She wants a strong, self reliant, confident man that doesn't take her $hit.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Look, you sound skeptical of the advice you have been given by the posters here. You're probably thinking we don't know your situation and that we don't know you or your wife. We don't know you, we don't know your wife. You say she is a beacon of love for you, well, that beacon of love is being shifted to spotlight her new love. It's not you. 

We have said to stand firm, you say why throw it all away. I said to see a lawyer, what she does will end it. If you don't believe us ask three women you know, ask them if they love a man who they have no respect for? Ask them if they love a man who cries when he should have ripped the phone from her hand? Ask them if they would love a man who tells them to seek a friend of the opposite sex on the Internet. 

When you get those answers come back and let us know what they said. You can't nice your wife back into your arms, you have to show her you will be fine living without her. Take her phone, recover the deleted texts, this way you will know what you are fighting. You will know how deeply she is in love with another man. Follow the advice given to you, most of us have been in your shoes, tried our way, and then came here to find a solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm pretty new to these marriage forums. I've done a lot of reading. To begin with I thought that the established members, with all of their codes & new words '180', 'trickle truth' etc were extremely harsh. Their advise often seems so counterintuitive to me. I want to SAVE my marriage! I don't want to hurt my H & slam him with a divorce. 

It has shocked me that they seem to ALWAYS be right! Newcomers who don't follow the consensus advice seem to be run in agonizing circles by their wayward. Those who follow the 'rules' appear to sort things out so much better & faster.

I didn't follow the rules. I got here too late for most things. I'm now in turmoil because it feels like we're rug sweeping. My H has appologised, broken contact & now acts like nothing happened. I'm still in agony, lost, broken & confused. I don't know if I can ever truly trust & feel safe again. :crying:

So, I can't advise really, other than to say listen to what the majority tell you. 

I would like to give you my take on your situation... I've been with my H for 25 years. We've grown-up together. He's my FAMILY. I deeply love him & always want the best for him. When he hurts, I hurt.

I don't have pass codes on my phone or computer. Why would I? If I found that my H had been 'snooping' I'd be WORRIED, not angry about invasion of privacy. I'd be sad that I'd made him feel paranoid. I'd feel guilty because my actions had hurt him. 

If my actions reduced my H to tears it would break my heart! I'd stop doing whatever I was doing. No online chat is worth causing pain to the man I love. Doesn't that make me a NORMAL INNOCENT wife? 


The fact that she hasn't changed her behavior & she's become even MORE secretive knowing its distressing you makes me believe that she IS having an emotional affair. She's in the 'fog' that they talk about. Her need to be in constant communication with this man is more important than your feelings. That kind of cruel disregard for you isn't normal in a loving relationship...it's very, VERY common when one is in the heat of an affair. 

As I said earlier.... The advise that established members give feels counterintuitive because you are still seeing your wife as your loving partner. She isn't that person at the moment! You're trying to wake her up. You're trying to get her to change back into your wife. They are telling you how to deal with a wayward. A wayward is a different kind of person. A type of human being that you have no experience of dealing with! 

A loving wife would change her behavior. Cry when you cry. Hold you & vow to NEVER cause you such pain again. A loving wife simply can't bare the idea of her H being in that kind of pain.

A wayward gets frustrated & angered by your emotions! Self protection & feeding her addiction kills all compassion & empathy. You will become the enemy because you are standing in the way of her pleasure, her affair. 
When you express your feelings (like not kissing her goodbye) she feels guilt & pain. I think that means you have hope. Your wife is still in there. You just need to bring her back & vanquish the wayward forever.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You're not overreacting. She's having an emotional affair with this man. You had every right to demand to see her phone in paragraph 4. Perhaps in paragraph 2. You've let it gone on way too long blaming yourself for being the crazy one. You're not crazy. She's cheating. Don't apologize or feel crazy for "snooping."


:iagree:

She needs to stop this sh*t. Now.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

117

I'll answer you in a way you'll understand.

What would the Master Chief do?

He would not cry. He would deal with the situation in a strong, business like manner.

He would not accept her lies or wayward behavior. He would demand the truth. He would get the truth.

He would make his objectives clear even to Cortana (your wife). She would have no choice in the matter. She either comes along for the ride willingly or not at all.

Be the man. Tell your wife that you expect honesty in your relationship.

Start by telling her this: "I did not kiss you because you are a liar. And if you continue to lie as well as communicate with strange men I will do a lot more than just stop kissing you."

If she pushes for more get up, smile at her. Walk away.

See how she reacts. Stop telling her you trust her.

HM


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

You really need to *stealth this* and under no circumstance confront her

With what you have posted its clear she will simply run rings around you and the chance to find out exactly what your up against will go

Ignore the people telling you to* find out first before confronting* at your peril


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

We haven't heard from the OP in a few days. Why do I think that all hell has broken loose?


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> We haven't heard from the OP in a few days. Why do I think that all hell has broken loose?


I get the impression he might not log on from home or not have Internet there. Hopefully he'll update when back at work tomorrow.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrokenLady said:


> I'm pretty new to these marriage forums. I've done a lot of reading. To begin with I thought that the established members, with all of their codes & new words '180', 'trickle truth' etc were extremely harsh. Their advise often seems so counterintuitive to me. I want to SAVE my marriage! I don't want to hurt my H & slam him with a divorce.
> 
> It has shocked me that they seem to ALWAYS be right! Newcomers who don't follow the consensus advice seem to be run in agonizing circles by their wayward. Those who follow the 'rules' appear to sort things out so much better & faster.
> 
> ...




BrokenLady

This post is excellent, exactly as I felt when I lurked here, and sadly I didn't believe the veterans were right either. I remember thinking, no, not my wife, she would never do this to me! How wrong I was, not only do I now know she is capable, she had an affair for six months and then watched me sink so low I attempted suicide. If that wasn't enough she lied through the first five months of MC! Had I listened to these veterans I wonder what my life would be like today. 

OP, if you haven't left but are still reading you need to knock your wife off her feet. You have to resort to drastic measures if you want a relationship. I say relationship because you're marriage ended when her affair started. Get the name of this OM and research him, you might be shocked at how far away Canada really is. I'm talking like a town over or a state away, he's far closer then you think. 

Best of luck to you. It's grueling when you first come here, that's because your eyes are starting to open, and those rose colored glasses you saw your wife through are coming off. It's your choice to come back, you can even PM people here, they will help, I sure wish I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree, that just because WW said her "friend" is in Canada, doesn't mean that it's true. He could very local or semi-local. Like I said earlier, a man will gladly pay air fair and hotel to hit some married pv$$y. 

Most men don't want to believe that their sweet wife would betray them and their family in such a fashion. 
Doesn't matter what you've gone through together. I've read of WWs throw it all away for a stranger they met on the internet and feel he's their soulmate. The history with husband, kids, grand kids. All disposable.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Did she say he lived in Canada or was it "He's Canadian" or "He's from BC CANIDA"

I had a college professor who was Canadian from Ontario BC. 

BUT HE WAS TEACHING IN OKLAHOMA.

This Canadian guy could live a block down the street from you!


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

grandspartan117 said:


> I wanted to thank everyone for your supportive comments. Yes I agree with you all on in a few areas. there should be transparency, I didn't handle it well, and I need to man up and work through it. I don't think being sneaking and installing software on her phone is a solution. More sneaky stuff is just going to make this worse.
> 
> This is what I think I am going to do. Tonight after work I'm going to sit down with her and calmly and collectively talk about it. If she refuses then that's that and we will have to be done. However believe we can work through this because I'm not done fighting for her. We just need to set some boundaries and tell each other what we expect out of the relationship.
> 
> I've never been good at relationships. I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. *I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.*


Dear grandspartan117,

There's an old saying here that you need to take to heart:



> When dealing with a non-repentant cheater, you have to be prepared to lose your marriage if you want to have any chance of saving it.


Until you start imagining what life would be like without your wayward wife, you have no chance of standing up to her, none.

Hence the advice not to confront her again until you have your emotions under control and a plan for what you are going to do if she refuses to stop communicating with the other man and another plan for how you are going to monitor her compliance if she agrees to.

Good luck.


----------



## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

grandspartan117 said:


> I've never been good at relationships. *I came from a broken family an never really had positive male role models in my life*. The male models I did have were not good AT ALL especially in relationships. What I DO know is I have loved this woman since I met her. She, until the past few weeks, has always been nothing but a beacon of love and hope for me. I cannot possible imagine what life would be like without her.




I honestly feared that that would be the case when I read your first post.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

grandspartan117 said:


> Thank you. I am heading home now. Wish me luck!


grandspartan, it's been a week since we've heard from you. Is everything OK?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn't say that you overstepped.

In fact, if you mis-steped at all, you UNDER-stepped.


----------

