# Slightly unstable wife, maybe?



## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Okay Folks,

Where to start?

Three kids 18-14, married 20 odd years. in our 40's

I think my wife might be a little off balance. She sure can get pissed at me in a hurry, kinda has really short fuse. It is like the smallest thing will set her off. 

She asked me to put the ornaments on the tree, and I didn't do it. She was at her mom's out of town. I'll ask her why she is upset, thinking that she might realize that she is making a big deal out of nothing. 

I mean heck, in the meantime, I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms, hung the xmas lights outside. Say woman, what all else am I supposed to do? It is not like I am some deadbeat dad. And that is what pisses me off. I really do more than my share around the house and pull a decent wage. 

She really is a glass half empty person. She works hard, and seems stable there, has been at her place for 20 years. So work is going fine, it can be a stressful, 

She does take a very small dose of clonipan, or she is supposed to, but only takes it if she thinks she needs it. I love her, but she sure makes it hard sometimes. I wish she could take a step back and take a deep breath, and see how lucky we are.

I have talked to her about it, but she gets defensive, and then tries to shift the blame on me. I'm human, and I am getting tired of it. 

Thanks for letting me vent...


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

She really should take her medication as prescribed. Not doing so can cause her behavior to alter.......irritability, fogginess, etc.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Klonopin(clonazepam) is not one of those drugs that should be stopped/started as it will really keep the brain chemistry all scrambled...especially if she using it for anxiety or panic disorder. At the same time, she may be hating the side-effects. She should talk to her doctor to see what else may be available.

At the same time, you don't seem happy...and that seems predicated of what sounds like your wife isn't happy. Here's the trick...don't try to make it your job to make her happy...because if she already is an unhappy person, anything you do that yo think will appease her and please her will be like throwing pennies down a black hole. Fruitless. And to be honest, some of the well-meant efforts on your part may actually be challenging the respect she hold for you. 

The reason why I recognize this is because I have been guilty for doing the exact same thing...where I fall into this trap of thinking that it was my job to make my unhappy wife happy. And what was really crappy about it...was that she was more than willing to place the blame on me when she wasn't happy. So when you place yourself in this impossible position to try to take it upon yourself to be responsible for managing her moods, not only is it fruitless, it is INAPPROPRIATE!! Read the book Boundaries...or Boundaries in Marriage.

In order to turn this around, you need to step away from being responsible for her moods...and even call her on her behavior...not by passively sulking, or nagging her...but by being direct, in love. You have needs too, bro...and I CAN guarantee with all this focus in your wive's misery...and you are trying to "lighten" her burdens by doing domestic chores...that is more or less saying that you are stressing yourself by trying to hold everything together. You shouldn't have to do that...but if your wife is truly INCAPABLE of participating...and is not at a place to make healthy contributions to your marriage and life at home...then something is wrong and needs to be addressed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So here's a question... Your wife asks you to do A. You do B, C, D, and E. Why did you choose to NOT do the one thing she asked you to do, and do the other things instead? Does this happen often?

Just wondering. And I'm going just on what you said; I obviously don't know the whole story. 

C


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

My doctor proscribe me clonazepam to take as needed, I'm not sure how her doctor prescribed it. Why did he prescribe it? I think she's may be trying but a bandaid on a bigger problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The only thing I can add is don't ask her what's wrong when you already know. My hb does that to me and it just comes across as condescending.....just say what's on your mind. If she's on and off medication though you've got bigger problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Did you agree to put the ornaments on the tree? If you did, you're in the wrong. You can't substitute other things for the one you committed to doing. This leads to trust issues.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> The only thing I can add is don't ask her what's wrong when you already know. My hb does that to me and it just comes across as condescending.....just say what's on your mind. If she's on and off medication though you've got bigger problems.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't be so sure he knows. Nothing wrong with clear communication. "Just say what's on your mind" goes both ways.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I don't know that I would be to quick to say she might be unstable. If this is something new and shes never really acted this way, then you need to look at the whole picture and see what it is thats irritating her or stressing her out. Everyone has 
"off" days and it doesn't mean they are really unstable.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Don't be so sure he knows. Nothing wrong with clear communication. "Just say what's on your mind" goes both ways.



You could be right, but it was my impression he knows because he said that he asks her because he wants her to realize that its no big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

In order to turn this around, you need to step away from being responsible for her moods...and even call her on her behavior...not by passively sulking, or nagging her...but by being direct, in love. You have needs too, bro...and I CAN guarantee with all this focus in your wive's misery...and you are trying to "lighten" her burdens by doing domestic chores...that is more or less saying that you are stressing yourself by trying to hold everything together. You shouldn't have to do that...but if your wife is truly INCAPABLE of participating...and is not at a place to make healthy contributions to your marriage and life at home...then something is wrong and needs to be addressed. 

I'll look into the book, thanks.


So here's a question... Your wife asks you to do A. You do B, C, D, and E. Why did you choose to NOT do the one thing she asked you to do, and do the other things instead? Does this happen often?

I was just prioritizing, and forgot about it. I really don't think it is that big a deal. 

The medication is prescribed for anxiety.

Cali, I don't think she is having an off week, maybe an off year or two in a row? 

She gets up this am and it is like no big deal, like it never happened. 

She wants to work late tonight, thank God!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

She is in her 40's, this has been going on for a year or two - according to you. Look into and do some research on peri-menopause.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

JustHer said:


> She is in her 40's, this has been going on for a year or two - according to you. Look into and do some research on peri-menopause.


Did some reading up on it, and bang. Nail on the head. 

Oh and it is Lexapro not Klonipan she was taking.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Did you agree to put the ornaments on the tree? If you did, you're in the wrong. You can't substitute other things for the one you committed to doing. This leads to trust issues.


Exactly
She is not being an ungrateful b!tch, just do what she asked and I am sure she will be happy. 
BTW Kudos to you for doing more things!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When was the last time you spanked your wife?

They way I see it she can take her meds or face the consequences for acting out.

But hey thats just me. After over twenty years of marriage I'm done with the sh1t tests.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

" just do what she asked" yeah that's the answer. You didn't do enough. You did plenty enough. Hand her the ladder next time and have her hang the lights.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

I'm gonna give it some time to work it out. Besides, the custody battle would be ugly, I ain't taking the kids, well neither am I...
Just kidding on that one.
Thanks for the responses and letting me vent folks.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ne9907 said:


> Exactly
> She is not being an ungrateful b!tch, just do what she asked and I am sure she will be happy.
> BTW Kudos to you for doing more things!!


Stop rewarding your wife for bad behavior. When she starts taking her meds is when she gets rewarded.

No one diserves to be a whipping post when their old lady stops the meds.

Its time for the both of you to sit down and go over some boundries and the consequences for when boundries are crossed.

Sorry if I come across as give then an inch they will take a mile, but I still think with out consequences bad behavior continues. 

So again its time to sit down and get this issue about her meds out on the table.

Hell the way I see it why should she change, hell staying off the meds seems to work just fine....get pissed off and husband does what he is told...damn why take the meds??? Really!


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

I wouldn't call it rewarding bad behavior, there are things that need to be done around the house, whether she yells at me or not, it still needs to be done. I'll probably get to it later if I want. 
In the grand scheme of things, her getting upset about the tree just seemed nit-picky.
Still love her, but maybe she could use a spanking.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

bbrad said:


> Did some reading up on it, and bang. Nail on the head.QUOTE]
> 
> Glad to help. Personally, I am soooooo glad to be done with that part of my life.
> 
> You will have some tough times in the next few years, but believe me, it is very tough on her too. Patience, patience, patience.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

bbrad said:


> Did some reading up on it, and bang. Nail on the head.
> 
> Oh and it is Lexapro not Klonipan she was taking.



Lexipro is an SSRI drug. It is not designed to be taken as needed. It should be taken as directed for it to work proplerly,


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Meds might have something with it but something tells me there is 20 some years of history here. You mentioned she asked you to do a task and then asked if you had done it and you had not. If this is common place then her short fuse might be due to the continual let-down of not getting what she has asked of you. Great for you doing all these other things, and I am assuming you did these too while she was out of town? Was she aware of that? And if she is out of town, is it too much to expect you to do those things.....you do share a home after-all but the way the post was typed it seemed like what you did was a favor to your wife rather than doing your share.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bbrad said:


> I wouldn't call it rewarding bad behavior, there are things that need to be done around the house, whether she yells at me or not, it still needs to be done. I'll probably get to it later if I want.
> In the grand scheme of things, her getting upset about the tree just seemed nit-picky.
> Still love her, but maybe she could use a spanking.


It's not about the tree at all, that's just it. When something happens repeatedly and we are let down time and time again it is a natural response to become irritated so even though it seems nit-picky about the Christmas ornaments, it's actually not about them, it is about what she asked of you and you did not do. Do you know why you chose not to do the one thing she asked of you? Could there be a little passive-aggressive going on here on your part?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Did you agree to put the ornaments on the tree? If you did, you're in the wrong. You can't substitute other things for the one you committed to doing. This leads to trust issues.


You've got to be kidding me. We are talking about putting ornaments on the tree. We are not talking about super important things like paying the heating bill, taking a child to the hospital, or not driving while drunk. You can't have a happy marriage if one partner is living on pins and needles afraid of their spouse whenever they make the slightest mistake.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Theseus said:


> You've got to be kidding me. We are talking about putting ornaments on the tree. We are not talking about super important things like paying the heating bill, taking a child to the hospital, or not driving while drunk. You can't have a happy marriage if one partner is living on pins and needles afraid of their spouse whenever they make the slightest mistake.


If it's an isolated incident it's not a big deal. If it happens frequently, it is. Based upon his own comments, my money is on the latter. 

You can't have a (successful) marriage if one partner is consistently unreliable and refuses to take responsibility for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Update,
The holidays are also a stressful time, we are at the folks place for a few days. She has been taking her meds, and seems to be in a better place, maybe it is just the break from work, I dunno. Talking to her sister and mom about if they were prei-menopausal, they both mentioned being very emotional and that it would have taken a few years to work through it. But all three have had a hysterectomy. My MIL even said that her mom went near insane. I laughed and said, "thanks, I guess I have that to look forward to." 
The ship seems to be sailing in smooth waters at the moment.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> It's not about the tree at all, that's just it. When something happens repeatedly and we are let down time and time again it is a natural response to become irritated so even though it seems nit-picky about the Christmas ornaments, it's actually not about them, it is about what she asked of you and you did not do. Do you know why you chose not to do the one thing she asked of you? Could there be a little passive-aggressive going on here on your part?


I would wouldn't say that she is let down time and time again. But that would be my point of view too. There are a number of things that I wish she would handle. But, hey, we can't all be in the mood to clean or cook or whatever at the same time.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bbrad said:


> Talking to her sister and mom about if they were prei-menopausal, they both mentioned being very emotional and that it would have taken a few years to work through it. But all three have had a hysterectomy. My MIL even said that her mom went near insane. I laughed and said, "thanks, I guess I have that to look forward to."
> The ship seems to be sailing in smooth waters at the moment.


What? You actually had the nerve to ask your SIL and MIL about this? I would be furious if I were your wife! Read about it but to bring this to light with family, ridiculous! I had a doc tell me one time that any man that blames a woman for PMS should be looked at with caution, the doc was male. Of course we are going to have some irritability and if you want to learn more than read about it but don't go to your SIL and MIL....is that any of their business.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

bbrad said:


> I would wouldn't say that she is let down time and time again. But that would be my point of view too. There are a number of things that I wish she would handle. But, hey, we can't all be in the mood to clean or cook or whatever at the same time.


Sounds like the two of you need to talk and communicate with each other and stop bringing family members into the picture.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> What? You actually had the nerve to ask your SIL and MIL about this? I would be furious if I were your wife! Read about it but to bring this to light with family, ridiculous! I had a doc tell me one time that any man that blames a woman for PMS should be looked at with caution, the doc was male. Of course we are going to have some irritability and if you want to learn more than read about it but don't go to your SIL and MIL....is that any of their business.


AVR,

I do appreciate your input. 

I did not bring it up, one of her sisters is a nurse. A lot of medical conversation comes up around them. She mentioned her hysterectomy. I asked what led up to it, her mom chipped in too. It was a very casual conversation. My wife was there at the time. Heck, one of our older kids was there too. It is an interesting dynamic to say the least. 

Communication between us is not the best, not all the time. I am on TAM for info, to vent and commiserate. And maybe help if I can.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think the two of you just need to talk to one another and be open and honest about your own needs and expectations for each other.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

Just an update,

She has been keeping up with her meds, communication has been good. She is back to work, as am I. 

Things this past few weeks have been going really as well as I can remember. We have gone out a few times, and I have been able to hang out with the "guys," a few times too. She seems to be in a better place. I can tell and so can the kids. 

May not be just the medication, but a combination of things.

We are as happy as we have been in years.


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## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

The happier we are, the less time I spend on here. Geeze, things are going great. For now...


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

bbrad said:


> The happier we are, the less time I spend on here. Geeze, things are going great. For now...


That is great to hear, and I hope the ship continues to sail in smooth waters!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

bbrad said:


> Okay Folks,
> 
> Where to start?
> 
> ...


google perimenopause


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

bbrad said:


> The happier we are, the less time I spend on here. Geeze, things are going great. For now...


:smthumbup:

oops, missed your update...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> If it's an isolated incident it's not a big deal. If it happens frequently, it is. Based upon his own comments, my money is on the latter.
> 
> You can't have a (successful) marriage if one partner is consistently unreliable and refuses to take responsibility for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Life is not a bowl of cherries. If you expect people to NEVER fail you then prepare for a life of misery. **** happens and people forget. Last time I checked nobody is perfect. If he forgot but pulls his weight then she could simply ask him "Hey you forgot to put the lights up, can you take care of that when you get a min?" Be surprised how much a man does when the woman he loves asks for it with love.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blonde said:


> google perimenopause



And for a moment I actually thought that was a Google service like Google Drive...

Brrrr.


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