# Confused, relieved, tired, released



## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hello everybody,

I had a PRETTY interesting weekend, first of all I was out of town for a job interview. This city isn't the one I am interested on moving into but my itinerary allowed me to visit it anyway due to a long layover, which was great. I didn't like the city where I had the interview, so pretty much I have decided that even if they offer me the job I will not accept it, but on the other hand I LOVED the other city. Vibrant, young, good vibe was my first impression. 

Anyway, I met some really nice people along the way and I was feeling great until Sunday when I decided to check my email. It's been 4 months since I haven't had any REAL communication with my x-wife, but 7 since she pretty much withdrew sentimentally. I was really hurt because it seemed that she was taking it really easily to dispose of the marriage, she initiated all the divorce process, whenever I asked to speak or see her at least to have closure she declined, and pretty much throughout the divorce proceedings (which were by mail because we agreed on everything and signed a waiver) she was distant and cold. 

Anyway, I had already come to accept it, she was sort of like that in our marriage, cold and calculating. She was never the romantic type. WELL, I received an email from her, warm, I couldn't call it romantic because she wasn't asking for a reconciliation but it seems that she finally needs closure, she is grieving now after 7 months and she asks for my forgiveness, she even dedicated a song to me and told me that she remembers about us when she listens to this song and even copy-pasted the lyrics. She said other really nice things, I needed to hear those words a couple of months ago but I don't know if I need them now. I was taken completely aback! I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS AT ALL! I fell in love with that girl and the person I divorced wasn't like that anymore, and now she behaves the same way????

Again, she is not asking for a reconciliation but man is SO hard to hear from her again. I feel sad, but relieved because I thought she was cold and she wasn't grieving like I was; I feel like she finally released me. I am also confused, how come it took her 7 months to realize what was going on? I am tired because I feel I already said everything I needed to say and I don't even know how or "IF" I am going to answer to that email. I mean, I already did tell her that I wished her a beautiful life and happiness when I received the final decree of the divorce 4 months ago. 

I am just too confused, too tired, too troubled because I want and I don't want to answer, I just don't want to be the prick that didn't answer a nice email, but I also accept that that email awoke some feelings I had buried months ago, and don't know if it's better just to let go in silence. 

That was my weekend, and is still going on because I haven't stopped thinking about that darn email, her and our marriage since. It pretty much messed with my head.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Stbxmaybe,

Regarding the e-mail, I think I would look at it like this. I know that you wanted her to grieve, etc. when you were, but at least she is now. Does it matter why it took so long? But I imagine it has been your conitnued absence -- she misses you. Now I'm not talking reconciliation missing you, but you were a big part of her life and she now misses it. 

Responding to her e-mail is not starting down the path with her again unless you would want that. You are in control of yourself now -- it is up to you. I sense a little resentment -- "why did it take her 7 months". Don't let your resentment make you cold towards her. That will just start the cycle all over again IMO. 

If it were me and my ex ask for this -- I would respond. That is just me. I say that but since it hasn't happened, at least I hope I would. Just being honest there.

Note to self: If ever happens, look up Stbxmaybe's thread.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

You are right, 

These past days have been a roller coaster of feelings, some when I say to myself "yeah I am answering that email" others when I say "what am i supposed to say? i better just take it as her answer to my last email and leave it like that" anyway I guess I will be answering to that email sooner or later but I just don't feel ready to do that right now, specially because of what I am feeling right now. I think I will do it until I feel sane and calm, wow I just realized that even by writing right now my back was super tense.

That note was funny but it's true, you know? Something I have realized in my 28 years is that we all behave the same way, we are different but the same at the end. I went through the same with an ex, she pretty much dumped me, and MONTHS later tried to contact me again. I just thought this wasn't going to happen with my X-wife. I mean she is a really nice person, she was a good wife, good friend, no malice whatsoever but we were not compatible...still her email made me remember about the good ol' days


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Stbxmaybe,

Funny what triggers those thoughts. It is a little different with a child involved -- because he is also apart of the good ol' days. So I have a reminder very often. For me that is the hardest part of my journey. 

Yes, reply when you are comfortable doing so. Me -- I don't expect to ever get something like that -- she's too prideful and stubborn. But I tied a string around my finger to remember this thread. LOL.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for your words FA. 

I just can imagine what's like with a son, everybody says that to me, that at least we didn't have children because it's easier to let go. I am not saying that I wouldn't have liked the idea, I mean a son or a daughter are a wonderful thing, I mean look at you your son brings you so much happiness. If we didn't is because it wasn't meant to happen.

This email not only messed me up, but also gave me what I was missing to move on, the sense of being important because honestly when she divorced me I felt like I didn't mean a thing, I was easily disposable. That's one of the reasons why my self-confidence was so low. That's one thing she mentioned on her email, that it seemed that it was really easy for her but that she has struggled badly to get over this, it's not that I wanted her to suffer but her numbness was hurtful. 

Anyway, I gotta reflect more and more about this, today is yoga day and it will allow me to release all of this I have inside and let's see when I feel ready to respond.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I did it!

I meditated a lot yesterday; I went to yoga class, I went running, and finally today I woke up with a clear head. I wrote her back, and honestly I filled that email with love and care. Not the romantic love but the forgiving and mending kind of love. 

I know now that although we are not in love anymore, I still care for her, I still wish her well and I do love her no matter what happens she will be the first woman I married. I thought 7 months was too late but it was the perfect timing for me to express all of that that I have learned, love, patience, care, selflessness. The email was beautiful... 

The chapter of my life I thought I had closed, WE finally closed it together.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Did she respond to yours? Just curious.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Just keep in mind, _you_ are the beneficiary of choosing to forgive.

Forgiveness needn't take the form of a letter or a conversation either.

Glad you feel better, lighter.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Not yet

But I don't really need her to respond, it would be great if she did but like Deejo said, it did it because I needed to forgive, to show that I can hold no resentment and it does make you feel lighter, a better person. 

It is really hard to live with resentments all our lives, although I am not able to live like that it is sometimes really hard for me to say I am sorry, I am learning to be less proud and more understanding. 

This journey has been so amazing, it can be that way if we want to. To take the opportunity from this humbling experience to look into ourselves and come out better persons, instead of falling into a deep hole of sorrow and resentment. Thank you also for reading my posts, I am with friends even if I don't know you all.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

Wow, good job taking the high road and being truthful to yourself and being at peace with the whole situation. It takes a real and honest person to come to terms like you did and truly forgive and move forward. Wish you the very best.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you so much Shelly 

It was hard believe me, I also felt pride, resentment and selfishness. I thought on not answering but at the end the best of me came out, and I don't regret it, it was better and feel like a load was lifted.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Still around,

Hi everybody, I cannot believe it's been 4 months since my last post. A lot of things have happened since, some really bad that have taught me even more and some very good. I am still in the process you know? It will be a year in April since my marriage crumbled down before my eyes, and 7 months since my divorce was finalized. 

I have learned to be alone but most of the times don't feel lonely anymore. I just moved to a different city, have met great friends that are very willing to show me around and I really can see myself living here for a couple of years. I am actively looking for a job, and I am even thinking on buying a house once I start working again, this city is lovely, it is indeed a quite a change from the other city full with happy but sad memories as well. Jeez, I cannot believe it will be a year! I am torn between thinking that i lost a year but don't know if it is indeed a loss since it also taught me so much. Although my happiness was sacrificed, I can say I have lived my life, and the point here is to keep on walking never be still, by walking life will unfold before your eyes my friends. 

Even though my separation and divorce hurt me as only those who are going through the same can understand. I survived! I honestly thought that I wasn't going to be able to at some point, I have done my best to smile and one year into this whole ordeal I can say it is working. Although sometimes I am really sad that I don't have a significant one, and I get scared and question myself if love will knock on my door again and worries me, there is no point since it's something i cannot plan, if love will ever find its way back to me, it will find its way. 

I haven't dated anyone since my divorce in part because I didn't think was fair for the other person since I was really damaged at the beginning, now in this new city and state, I have hope that I will be able to rebuild my life, and find somebody to do it with. I still believe in love my friends, I am not going to lie to you it scares the bejesus out of me but it's just part of the process and is natural to be scared about something that have hurt to so bad. 

I still think about my ex, I wonder how she is, I still care for her because we didn't end up hating each. I wonder if her transition into a single life has been as difficult has mine, and if she has found love again. Anyway, to put my mind at ease I just hear this song. 

YouTube - Nat King Cole I Wish You Love

My friends I am still around, like I have always said, I wish you the best for those who are just starting to live life after divorce because it is not easy but will get easier with time.


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