# Coping with a husband in the Military and needing advice



## kms19 (Sep 10, 2011)

My husband is currently deployed overseas and isn't going to be landing on American soil again until February 2012. It's been hard being away from him, even though we video chat almost every night. Any suggestions as to what I should do to make things a little less hard on both of us??


----------



## santee (Sep 15, 2011)

I've gone through 3 deployments with my husband so I know how you feel. Video chat definitely helps -- I wish that had been around a few years ago! Since my husband and I could only talk once a week, I would write him an email every day about everything that was going on in my life. I'd keep a draft open and add through it throughout the day, then send it each night. My husband could only access his email once or twice a week and couldn't always reply, but he told me it helped him stay connected to me. I also used to mail him funny cards and care packages with magazines and snacks I knew he liked randomly, so it would always be a surprise when he got one.

As for your own mental health, stay as busy as you can and stay connected to your family and friends. I had a fairly flexible job at the time and asked to work more hours, including nights and weekends. I also volunteered on the weekends (I joined Big Brothers Big Sisters), went running a lot, talked with my friends and family on the phone almost every night, and made sure I had a "friend date" to look forward to every week. 

Hope that helps!


----------



## brokenmilguyAZ (Sep 10, 2011)

Im a deployed member overseas right now and will be returning in January 2012. My marriage failed because of her cheating and getting pregnant since ive been gone. Stay sane and try and keep your mind off him being gone. stay strong something my wife couldnt do. the time does fly by. this is my 6th deployment and trust me it will be over and he will be home much quicker than you think.


----------



## ZeroCool (Sep 23, 2011)

Hi! Former mil. spouse here. Still married to him, he's just out of the service. 13 years on submarines.

For most of the early years of our marriage, he deployed constantly, and there was very limited communications with the boat (no e-mail, infrequent letters). We used to get a certain amount of radio messages we could send, but they were only one way communications from me to him, and had to be limited to 50 words. About halfway through a duty station, they brought e-mails to the boat. Boy, the change for a lot of families was like night and day. Spouses who could do a patrol standing on their head were reduced to wrecks, constantly checking e-mail, freaking out when they didn't get one but their friend did, parsing every word sent, more arguments, etc.

Comms during deployment actually starts before the deployment. You have to have the discussion about the type, frequency, content and tone of communications. As crazy as it may seem, maybe every night is TOO much. I noticed that one big difference for our crew between having e-mail and not having it is that people were more likely to feel the distance more, were more emotional, had trouble dealing and coping with things that never used to bother them, read into everything, even something as simple a bad day (we all have them). For some, their life revolved around the daily communication. If it didn't come, they'd freak out. They'd stop all other activities in fear of not being home or available when a call or e-mail came. The daily chat maybe a total positive for you, but there are pitfalls you may want to avoid.

I totally agree with writing. I had a word doc journal that I wrote in every night, just about my day. Every once in a while, I'd print it out and send it off. Hubby said it made him feel like he was right there, and he always had something printed he could take out and read when he needed a boost. 

Some may disagree with this, but I took pains to avoid dumping on him. I made liberal use of friends and family when I was having a rough time. With the schedule and tasks my hubby had (they went by an 18 hour day), I knew he had little time to sleep, eat, shower, and whatnot so he didn't need to be my shrink on top of it. Venting to my friends let me be more even keeled, and I didn't stress him with fleeting or momentary bad moments.

But most of all, stay busy. Volunteering was my life saver. My husband has even said it made him feel so much better to know I had something going on while he was gone, and that I was staying strong and actually enjoying life. 

I guess what I am trying to get at is that is all comes down to knowing what each of you need, and communicating the best way you can to meet those needs.


----------

