# Thinking about Divorcing my wife



## Bandit1964 (12 mo ago)

I'm new here. My wife and I are in our mid 50s. Second marriage for her. Third marriage for me. We've been married about 3 1/2 years. Together for about 6. She has 2 adult sons. I have 2 children. A daughter in college and a 19 year old son slightly disabled who lives with us. I was with my first wife 20 years. She is the mother of my kids. I was briefly married a second time. For a couple of years. My wife was married 25 years to her first husband. My first 2 marriages ended because of infidelity on the part of my ex-spouses. My wife's first marriage ended for that reason also. I love my wife and we do alot together. Camping, hiking, traveling. We click really well. I enjoy her company. But there is alot of tension in the home. We have no sex. Ever it has been months. She has some health issues and I feel that I have been very patient. But I have been completely cut off. While we were dating and the first 2 years of our marriage we had a very good sex life. But nothing now 
And last year her 27 year old son moved in. Supposedly temporarily. But it's been almost a year. He pays nothing. His Mom does all of his laundry and fawns over him. Excuses after excuses. He shows no sign of wanting to move out. He's a fireman and has a good job. I work nights and work my a** off while they go to NFL and NBA games together. 
My house is in my name only. I owned it before we got married. I own my truck in my name only too. We bought a camper together. Only thing in both our names. She owns her own car. She's retired with a large pension. She contributes to the household expenses somewhat. But I can pay the bills on my own if need be 
I don't know really why I am putting this all out there. I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do. 
On the one hand we do enjoy eachothers company when we are together and I don't have to worry about her cheating on me. On the other hand I didn't sign up for a platonic marriage with a 27 year old man-child ( mama's boy) thrown in. I really think I was happier when it was just me and my kids and I was single.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rather than give up and end up with a third divorce how about you both get some marriage counseling to help you communicate.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bandit1964, 

Posting is a way of getting things off your chest. it is cathartic and helps. That is one reason talking to a counselor, mentor, priest, or minister can be very helpful.

May I suggest that you talk to your wife and really listen to what she tells you. Especially listen when she tells you why she isn't having sex with you.

You might also want to read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and M.W. Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. Glover's book NMMNG talks alot about how men are raised (by mothers, women teachers, etc.) to please women and how they often fall into codependent relationships where they depend upon validation by a wife. Both books are full of suggestions for what one can do to regain a sense of self, confidence, and pride in one's accomplishments. 

I wish you luck.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bandit1964 said:


> We've been married about 3 1/2 years
> We have no sex. Ever it has been months.
> last year her 27 year old son moved in.
> I work nights and work my a** off while they go to NFL and NBA games together.


Your wife is having an emotional affair. With her son... she made him into the "perfect man"..... I'm pretty sure she is not having sex with him, but every other element of marriage is now between your wife and her son. And, that's just exactly what your wife wants. It's what she prepared him for.



Bandit1964 said:


> He shows no sign of wanting to move out.
> 27 year old man-child ( mama's boy)


Of course not..... why would he ?? He doesn't have to pay bills, he doesn't have to cook, clean, or wash the skid marks out of his briefs..... he has the "play" life of a child, the one his mommy made him into....

Mommy's emotional needs are now being satisfied, by her son. She doesn't need you. She gave you sex so she could get her needs satisfied by you. With little boy in the picture, she doesn't need you, so she doesn't "pay the price" of sex. anymore. 

It's really all very simple.



Bandit1964 said:


> She contributes to the household expenses somewhat.


The key word in that sentence is "somewhat"...... it's not TOTAL.......

You, to your wife, have become nothing but an appliance that she keeps plugged in so she can ride the gravy train..
Her son became a hobo and is now freeloading on your train.

My advice to you is this. Stop the train. Decouple your engines. Stop allowing free rides.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Have you told your wife any of this?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

TJW has accurately assessed your situation. 

It would be a waste of your time to discuss this with your wife. You married her with the expectation you would be a priority, not an option. Her son is her priority. She has felt comfortable dropping any pretense of caring for your needs. It does sound very much like she worked the long con.

Where were your wife's health issues while you were dating or during the first 2 years of your marriage?

Speak to a lawyer. Make preparations. Invite mother and son to find alternate living arrangements so that they can continue to play house, just not at your expense. Like her son, the longer you allow them to stay the harder she will be to remove.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If it's your house then you could talk to the son and ask that he pays rent. He clearly has a good job so can afford to pay. 
Work out a figure for rent, towards food bills etc.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Before you divorce, try talking to her & asking her what she wants & why sex stopped being a priority.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So you have 2 adult children with you? One hers and one yours?
Have you talked to her about how unhappy you are? Does she know that you are even thinking of divorce?
Please don't just spring it on her, that's cruel.

I can't see anything here that can't be worked out with a bit of effort. Get into some MC and make that effort.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are in your mid-fifties and God Willing and those actuarial table blessings, you will live to be 79.9 years old.

That is 25 years more of celibacy, or self pleasuring/wanking.

You know what divorce entails, nothing new here.

Your first two wives cheated on you with other men.

Your third wife has not Royally cheated on you, no, she has taken up with a Commoner, Mr. Bait N. Switch.

You are being financially used and sexually abused.

I get it, your wife is not interested in intimacy, it happens.

Thus, you get it, the 3d divorce; see that it happens again.

Yes, if you give her an ultimatum (of divorce) she will probably give in, and give you placating sex.

Just know, her heart will not be in it, but your hard will be in her, and it will be that soft ball sex.

Do not hate on her, rather, accept her position, and divorce, yet again.

Do not remarry, find a LTR partner.

Why?

You likely have an afflicted Moon, and those women that you solidly connect with, are (for you) seemingly jinxed.




_KB-_


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Either work like hell on it, together, or get out.

Do not just continue to live in misery, don't just sit on the fence and hope things work out.

Hope isn't a plan.

Now, it will take both of you wanting to work on this, if either of you don't want to, end it.

You're not a kid so I know you're aware that communication is really important in a relationship.

What does your wife say about the lack of sex when you've broached this topic with her?

What does your wife say about a time table for her son to move out? When you brought that up with her?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

The stay plan is the same as the go plan. Work on yourself, be as attractive as possible. Man up and tell her the kid has to go or you will. If you've had multiple women cheat on you I think you need some self reflection. Be attractive. Set boundaries. Be a leader. Don't be a doormat or man-servant. Also, as you clearly know, there are many lovely women out there. You can and will find someone better. Being in a sexless marriage is no marriage at all. I'd also suspect she's cheating on you. All humans want sex, the key is "with you." I told my wife, before we were married, in no uncertain terms if she cheats on me we are done...this includes sexing or anything even remotely inappropriate...and I am dead serious about it.


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## Bandit1964 (12 mo ago)

I want to thank everyone who posted for their kind words of advice. Putting what I was feeling into words was therapeutic for me, I feel. I really don't have people I can really talk to about this. Friends who have been in multiple marriages are not people I would seek advice from. My brother and best friend are the two people I am closest with. But both have long, healthy and happy marriages. They don't really understand.
My wife isn't having an affair. I know that. I'm really not worried about that. We talked about her son. If it takes me giving him $3-4000 to move out and get back on his feet, I can do that. My wife agreed to counseling and also to talk to a therapist to find out about her lack of a sex drive. I want to save the marriage. I don't want to be a three time loser. I also know that if this situation continues that I will need to move on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Bandit1964 said:


> I also know that if this situation continues that I will need to move on.


I read about this problem coming from so many middle age people, seeking a way to make their partner to have more sexual desire. What most are failing to comprehend is that for most humans, fifty something and over their sexual desire will decrease naturally rather than increase, so in essence people are asking for the partner to put up, fake it. But the problem is that the partner that has become low desire, in so many circumstances they just can't. Their bodies are telling them NOTHING. So what's one to do? It all depends to one's individual circumstances, some which can be somewhat resolve, some that can't. So in essence you can:
1. Leave the relationship
2. accept the situation and stay.
3. Agreed to a third party as a sex surrogate.
4. Sneak-out and cheat.
5. help with a sex therapist to see if it is possible that the low desire partner can at least accommodate.

So many options and variable. The part I don't understand is when your partner is sick with a medical condition that makes sex for them painful, non desired, or impossible, and then all you do is getting pissy that you are not getting any. Some compassion and patience here is needed. Standing for your partner, morally, emotionally (if you love her/him) should be the option.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

First man up and be the best you can be. Be attractive. Be a leader. Work out, dress better, set boundaries, etc.

Then be 100% honest with her and say "if we don't have a good sex life I'm leaving" and be 100% serious and ready to make that change if she's not interested. No one deserves a sexless marriage.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Also, kick the kid out. Be strong, be a leader. Say, wife, he's a grown 27 year old man, he needs to take care of himself. Set a deadline, maybe 3-4 months for him to move out. Say "if he's not gone by the deadline I'll be leaving."


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> Also, kick the kid out. Be strong, be a leader. Say, wife, he's a grown 27 year old man, he needs to take care of himself. Set a deadline, maybe 3-4 months for him to move out. Say "if he's not gone by the deadline I'll be leaving."


In the UK loads of young people in their 20's are still at home. Often they are saving for a down payment on a home, or a deposit on a rented place. Housing is so expensive. If he starts paying towards the costs of bills and food I can't see the issue. As you say at least give him time to find a place, say 3-6 months.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> In the UK loads of young people in their 20's are still at home. Often they are saving for a down payment on a home, or a deposit on a rented place. Housing is so expensive. If he starts paying towards the costs of bills and food I can't see the issue. As you say at least give him time to find a place, say 3-6 months.


He says he didn't sign up for a platonic marriage with an almost 30 year old "child" living with them. 

The man child has a job. He can go share an apartment with another dude. That's what people do.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> *Either work like hell on it, together, or get out.
> 
> Do not just continue to live in misery, don't just sit on the fence and hope things work out.
> 
> Hope isn't a plan.*


I LOVE this!!!! This is SO true!

Can you please post this in EVERY thread about struggling relationships?


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