# What to do?Try to get husband out of the house, or let him and his friends hang out



## sadsusie (Dec 25, 2012)

Okay backstory...My husband is an alcoholic..going on i guess 10 years now. It has really gotten bad. Only a few months ago he would at least leave the house, now It is rarity. (we own our own business with people that run it - so he is "free" from most responsibility. 

A few months back he started partying harder, ran into a old "friend" popped or snorted a pill....ended up passed out and purple...would have died if I had not found him. He has been in the hospital (from passing out or panic) a total of about 5-6 times. (in 6 months)

He prefers cocaine. but has snorted other drugs not sure what else. He now has new "friend" who for goodness sake smokes crack. I honestly believe that he is not into it though. 

So today. I come home, the door to our house wide open, no one at home....with a cleaver, a lighter, strips of foil, one was obviously burned and still had a whitish/clear dried fluid on it all in our downstairs bathroom near the door(his friend had been over"). 

Although I am empty inside because we do not have children (I am 37), it is a blessing not to have that be a component in this mess. 

So today ...as always I call him (surprisingly) he answers and I yell at him for what I found in our bathroom with the door open. I wished he wouldn't come home and I no longer want to be a part of it s in i want to find a new place to live. ( I mean I am not a part of it but I don't want to deal with it)

later on he texted me to stop being judgmental.In addition to me judging him I guess I judge his friend..(the crackhead) this friend had to apologize to me because the night before his alcoholic wife tried to..no succeeded in laying half on top of my drunk husband as if either of them were sober enough to do anything. SO ?Am I supposed to accept that and not care? SCREW that. drunk or not - she needs to stay the hell away. (If she were pretty - I would be mad 
*and* jealous, but I am just mad - it is unacceptable. drunk or not drunk. 

We had gotten in a big fight just the day before (5th time I have packed a bag). but I don't want to leave - I want our life back.damn it!

He ended up inviting his friend and his alcoholic wife (and 2 kids around 12 - 14 sad) over for the entire day (even though i had a mental breakdown/ depression outburst) . (I avoided the situation- luckily we have a 2 story). 
I don't know what to do. What is the smart thing to do. (when he is mostly sober in the am) He tells me to just be nice when he is out - that is what a good wife would do. (as in wait to yell at him when he gets home) EAsy for him to say. 

Now that it is a weekday, I am seriously considering looking for another place to stay. 
I Love my husband, but I am ( I guess I am coldhearted) not interested in 1. dealing with this crap. and 2. not interested in watching him kill himself and make a complete ass out of himself. The problem is he is a danger to himself - day before yesterday he almost got in a fight but the guy just pushed him and he fell and hurt his tailbone. Another time he fell and got a concussion..yesterday he fell and busted his lip, then proceeds to joke that I hit him. not funny. 

Oh, by the way he has spent over $60,000 on friends, partying, strip clubs, bars, casinos, drugs, hotels, etc over the last 6/7 months. Yeah, that is right 60,000. I suppose we had it or could swing it, but I sure as heck would have wanted to spend it on something else! (preferably our other debt). 

(out of curiosity, If i were to file for divorce...would the courts take into consideration "his" expenditures and not make me pay for half? 

I am tired of losing sleep over him when he is gone. and I am doubly tired of losing sleep when he and his "friends" are over. What do you think? Has anyone been in the same situation.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The best thing to do is take care of you. My suggestion is to leave. Let him be, and maybe he will hit rock bottom, maybe not. No one needs to be at the hands of someone else damaging behavior. If this is how he wants to live his life, then so be it. If its not how you want to live, then you will need to make some serious changes for yourself.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

RUN to a divorce attorney! Get yourself out of this extremely dangerous situation ASAP! You are not responsible for your H's terrible choices and you do not have to suffer because of them. He is a very, very messed up person. You can't fix him. This isn't magically going to get better. The longer you stay, the more you are putting yourself at risk for 1) being legally implicated in his possession of illegal drugs, 2) contracting a disease from his likely sleeping with other women 3) being hurt by him or his "friends" when they lose control during a drug-induced rage.

Leave, get to a safe place, and read the book Codependent No More. It is written exactly for people like you who are living with an addicted person.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Think more of yourself, and get out of that mess.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Leave, but first take out a huge life insurance policy on him with yourself as the beneficiary. Sadly, this guy doesn't sound like he's going to be growing old. In this condition, he has no future and if he has no future, nobody can have one with him.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

To change behvavior like that, you have to want to change, to stop. 
I know. 
It doesnt sound like he wants to stop, so nothing you do or say will make him, if thats the case. 
I would suggest AA/NA to him or some sort of counseling/rehab, make it clear your marrige depends upon it. 
His answer/decision will tell you where and your marriage stand, as far as he is concerned. 
An answer of "no" or "i dont need that" blah blah blah...id suggest you hit the fvckin road or toss him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm sorry you are faced with this situation. However, its time to think of yourself and whats best for you. You can't help him or fix him. But you can help yourself get out and away from this situation. I wish you luck on whatever you decide.


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## sadsusie (Dec 25, 2012)

Thank you, what an overwhelmingly similar response. Gee what a surprise. I have been with him for 15 years, he is the only one I have ever been with. I have been living a lie. I am constantly disappointed because I have an idea of what I want my life to be like ( he likes to say I live in lala land) not that he is not entirely wrong. but I deserve better than this. for quite some time I ran our 3 businesses all day every day while he went to our vacation home. He would call me daily (I felt like he was checking up on me) and eventually the conversation would end with me feeling like a piece of crap (he would be demeaning). All the while I would strive to please him. ( I really will try to get ahold of that co dependency book). 
the ironic thing (he is shooting himself in the foot) is that the more he is away, the more I am glad he is away, the more I reailze that I do not like him. (I love him) but I do not like him. 
Even now, he will meet a group of new people and immediately starts making conversation about how many businesses he owns etc. (ell we own 4, which I think would be impressive enough) but he makes people think that we own the entire franchise. I don't even know how to talk to people - because I can't be honest at this point, or I am and just don't care if our stories dont' match up. 



side note: is it really fair to say "if you love me you will quit" he could say the same thing back - If you love me you would help me/ support me. 

the problem is I CANNOT "support" or make it seem like it is okay... his alcoholism or drug anymore. luckily I think the drug use has decreased. (he supplier is about to go to jail for 10 years. 
he get so frustrated that I "judge" him....and then he mocks me by calling me debbie downer.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If a man can't control himself he controls nothing.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Its fair to ask your spouse to quit doing ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable. 
You asking him to change his behavior is by no stretch of the imagination not being supportive. You dont support him making a train wreck out of his life and your marriage. Who could blame you? how would he like you to be more supportive? By feeding him booze and drugs? That aint no way to live. Fvck that. It will eat you alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sadsusie said:


> the more he is away, the more I am glad he is away, the more I reailze that I do not like him. (I love him) but I do not like him.
> 
> .


This is nonsense, hon.

$10k a month partying. Crack too. When he kills someone on the road or ends up a vegetable himself, this is going to seem like the good old days.


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