# Dealing with attempts of being blocked from your child's life...



## Mar (Dec 23, 2011)

I'm at my wit's end so I'm reaching out beyond friends or family for advice. I honestly sometimes just want to give up. (Sorry this was longer than I had intended! No hard feelings if you dont read it. I could've made it even longer too.)

Background:

I've been separated from her mother now for 2 years. She would still come around for the first year saying how she wanted to work on things, as did I, until she found her first catch. She then dropped me like a bad habit.

She's recently, in March 2011, found someone else and moved in with him after 1 month, purchased a joint car, and got engaged after only 6 months of knowing the guy.

Immediately after starting a relationship with him (We're talking the next week) she dropped my hours from 36 a week down to 14 (court papers say 6 so yes I am still thankful). I am currently taking her to court to get back my time that she stole on the basis that it interrupted the routine. I still pay the same amount, and have disputed it, based on only 6 hours a week which is more than legally obligated to pay.

I live out of state from where I grew up. She moved up here when she got pregnant and I followed to A) work on our relationship and B) be a father and take responsibility. I've constantly tried to fight for more time and influence in my daughter's life.

Problem:

I've been replaced as the father figure. Even after a month they were a "family". She has told me that my daughter deserves a father figure/role model in her life to which she has put the new guy to task on.

That's my job. I'm not a dead beat. I've never left my child, even though I left the horrible cheating/lying relationship. 

Tuesday night I went to drop her off only to find out that her mother was not home. When I asked the mother's boyfriend where she was he proclaimed she's at work with no firm time of when she'll be home. I've left her there 2-3 times with him alone, along with her grandmother (who sees my own child more than I do.). But this time I refused. She can stay with me until her mother is off. There is absolutely no harm in spending more time with her actual father. It was only 6:00pm so bedtime was not a factor.

I told him that they can come get her when she's off work. He then goes into this rant about how he's her true father, he raises her and that all I have is visitation. After telling him he has no rights, say or influence in the situation he begins to show aggression. In fear of losing my court case if I assault him (I'm twice his size so I'd have no problem making quick work of him) I get in my truck and leave. 

He calls the cops of my claiming I pulled a gun on him. Cops interview me, do nothing as there is no proof or case and leave. My ex the next day attempts to file a restraining order against me, apparently without first consulting her attorney. The judge throws it in her face and tells her to basically get out of his courtroom. 

Question:

How do you find the fight to keep on fighting? How do you deal with constant belittling, disqualification (in their eyes) and just a total disregard for me actually being her father? I know they will poison my daughter's mind about who I am so how do I prove the opposite? Will she eventually see the truth about me and the situation? How long? People tell me the mother should be so lucky to have a father actually wanting to be in a child's life like I do but she can't seem grasp that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mar said:


> Question:
> How do you find the fight to keep on fighting? How do you deal with constant belittling, disqualification (in their eyes) and just a total disregard for me actually being her father?


This is a very tough battle indeed. You keep up the fight by keeping a photo of your daughter near and/or imagining her sweet face. She needs you, her real father.

The other guy is completely out of line. He’s a legal stranger in this case. He has no rights to your daughter. You were wise to not leave her with him. 


Mar said:


> I know they will poison my daughter's mind about who I am so how do I prove the opposite? Will she eventually see the truth about me and the situation? How long? People tell me the mother should be so lucky to have a father actually wanting to be in a child's life like I do but she can't seem grasp that.


Yes she will see the truth in the situation. You saw this man go off the handle so easily? I would imagine that he does the same thing around you child when you are not there. You need to always be the stable, calm one. She will know. Children are not stupid.

I assume you have an attorney? Is he/she an real fighter because you will need that. Talk to your attorney about you getting extra time to take your daughter to counseling with her and you based on the antics that are going on. 

I have to admit that I could be totally wrong in bringing this up.. but the live-in boyfriend or husband is the most likely abuser of a woman’s children from a previous marriage. It does not mean that something is going on, but with his temper and abusiveness, and what sounds like unreasonable possessiveness I’d be concerned about that.

Now that he called the police and lied and then she tried to go to court with this, if I were you I would have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on me at all times when around them. When you pick her up, when you drop her off and any other time. Check the laws in your state for what is legal in recording in such a situation. You might want to put a reorder on your phone as well. (again check the laws) so you can capture any nonsense they try to pull. Also, if you can have your cell phone taking a video of the encounters do that as well.

And be sure that you are always above reproach at all times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you considered write her a letter about some of these issues?


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## Blindasabat (Nov 29, 2011)

How do you find the fight to keep on fighting? How do you deal with constant belittling, disqualification (in their eyes) and just a total disregard for me actually being her father? I know they will poison my daughter's mind about who I am so how do I prove the opposite? Will she eventually see the truth about me and the situation? How long? People tell me the mother should be so lucky to have a father actually wanting to be in a child's life like I do but she can't seem grasp that.

mobile device can't properly quote: but you keep fighting the good fight for your rights as her father till your last breath. no surrender no retreat! I don't know if you or she cheated but the child deserves to have both parents in their life my goal with mt stbxw is not to cut her out of my daughter's life but to end the farse of a marraige but become the best co-parents
talk to your attorney get him as fired up as you are never quit let your love for your child lead you on never give up!!!!
watch the 1983 tv movie with kate nelligan "without a trace" you need to see the scene where the mom at the end of her rope after a year of her son being missing is asked by her well intentioned 
friend asks "when are you going to learn to let go...for your own good"? nelligan explodes "when I say! Damnit!!when I can't stand any more! whem I can't stand any more! And not one minute before then!!!!! so f-ing powerfull and so get mad as hell and tell your ex hell is on the way get in their and fight soldier!!!
hope this helps!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Welcome to my husband's world. Your wife is a parental alienator. Get a lawyer and document everything asap. Use email to communicate with your ex and make sure you sound neutral and reasonable in ALL correspondence.

You can't do anything to stop what she is doing. All you can do is fight in the courts to get as much time as you can and make sure that you have a parenting plan that is HIGHLY detailed and addresses things such as "right of first refusal" to watch your daughter if your wife is not home. This is pretty standard stuff. 

Do NOT give up and do not do or say anything that will hurt your case. Anticipate that your wife will try to make you look bad and try to avoid any situation that she could use against you. Have someone with you during drop offs if possible to act as a witness. 

Send her an email and say "until we settle a final parenting plan in court, I would like to keep daughter with me when you are working. I don't know your boyfriend and you've only known him 6 months, and I don't feel comfortable dropping off daughter to him when you are at work. I am also very concerned about our daughter's emotional well being as a result of your boyfriend's aggressive behavior towards me when I arrived at your home to drop off daughter on ____ date. He told me in front of daughter that I wasn't a dad and that he was the real dad to my daughter. Not only is this untrue, this is harmful for our daughter to hear and is meant to disrupt the healthy relationship I have with my daughter. It puts her in the middle of an adult conflict and I want to avoid that. She should not be exposed to hostile behavior from your boyfriend or you for that matter. If you cannot be home when I drop off daughter after my parenting time, I will keep her with me until you are home from work." Don't bash her, just state the facts. Keep everything business like. Make sure to stay assertive and make sure everything is framed in the best interest of your daughter. Keep the focus on what is best for HER.

Seriously, get a good family law attorney and get a solid parenting plan in place ASAP. My husband wasn't aggressive when his ex wife started her bullsh!t when their son was 3 and it has continued to this day (and he's now 20).


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Check out this site, too:

Parental Alienation and Hostile Aggressive Parenting Awareness Organization - Emotional and mental child abuse


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