# Doubting everything...



## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

As I approach the 5-month mark from D-day, I find myself struggling all over again.

The thing that I find the hardest...beyond the sadness, the grief, the anger or the pain...is that I just don't know what to believe anymore. I doubt everything...I am filled with questions everyday (not about her affairs)...I question her motivation at this point and I question my motivations at this point too! 

We are doing the work (and I'm doing the work to make me better for me)...I believe that I want to make this marriage work, but then I find myself wondering why I want it to work...is it because I love her? is it because its the "right" thing to do? is it for the kids? is it because I feel like I need to prove that I can survive and overcome this? is it because I'm just not sure what the hell I want at this point??? And then I wonder all these same questions about her...what is she thinking at this point? She's saying all th right things at this point, but I wonder if she's being 100% genuine and sincere...she says she loves me, she finds me attractive and desirable but...and the fact that she's still struggling with the guilt and withdrawal of her affairs doesn't help (I don't think she's in the fog at this point). 

this feeling of doubting everything and finding myself questioning/analyzing everything is awful.

At the end of the Bruce Springsteen song, "Brilliant Disguise" which is about discovering infidelity, is a line that perfectly describes where am right now...
"Tonight our bed is cold, lost in the darkness of our love. God have mercy on the man, who doubts what he's sure of."

I'm not sure that anyone can answer these questions or doubts for me...I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one who can answer these questions...and I'm guessing that 5-months isn't really that long in the grand scheme of what I'm going thru, maybe it will all just get better with time. 

Not sure I'm looking for an answer here but just felt the need to ramble on a bit about all of this. Thanks for indulging me.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

You've said alot...without really telling us your story.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some where between 3 and 5 months I had the same feelings. At 10 months my doubts are alot less. 

Alot of it was made possible from my wifes own doing. She has help alot. She really wants this marraige.

So right now take it day by day and keep forcing the dark thoughts out and replace them with positive things your wife is doing. If there are any? 


I think about my future with and with out her. It seems to wiegh to staying with her


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Here's the back story...

Married for 16 years (together for almost 23)
Two kids (11 & 5)

WS had 2 affairs that began about a year before I found out by finding an email. First was a ONS. The second was an EA that became PA with an old boyfriend that she reconnected with via, you guessed it, FaceBook (the EA started from OM providing her support and comfort after the ONS...she felt like sh*t and I couldn't help her thru it.) Lots of trickle truth, but at this point I'm just assuming the worst with both of the affairs because I don't want to continue to punish her with a barrage of interrogation. Trying to focus my energy of the future (with my eyes wide open) instead of obsessing about the past. 

She is remorseful. Has apologized plenty and has finally "owned" that the affairs were 100% her choice. We both have acknowledged that there were/are problems in the relationship.
There is NC.
She has been transparent.
We both say that we want to make it work.

We are in MC (both together and individually).
Done lots of reading in the last 5 months.
We've done and said alot in the last 5 months to recommit and reconnect, but as I've said I just find myself struggling to believe almost anything at this point...a nasty side-effect of the betrayal and the trail of deception that took place I guess. Trying to believe and hoping for the best everyday.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me, interrogation is what made me heal. I wanted every ughly detail. Names, places, I needed it all. infact 10 months later she still talkes about her affairs. one in particular keeps coming up that was the big one for her.

Anyway I found out alot about her and what makes her tick. She hates the questions on some incounters. They were pretty bad. but the ones she had fun with she likes to talk and laugh about.

I just think if your W could let it all out it may help. just don't judge, or accuse or get mad. its just a conversation between friends. Do you think her opennees about what really went on will help you, and do you think she will give you the information that will relieve some doubt.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

I did the interrogation bit for awhile, and I still wrestle with myself about whether or not to keep asking. I've made the conscious choice to not pursue the details any further...I know enough. And even if she did come clean and tell me more, will I ever believe that its the "whole story"? I'm pretty sure that there is more that I don't know (not more guys but more to both of her affairs)...and I don't think she'll tell me more at this point. So, I'm just accepting what I believe as truth at this point based on all the evidence...and for the most part, I don't dwell on this too much anymore. It bothers the crap out of me that she is probably still not sharing the whole story, but what bothers me most nowadays is the doubts that all the deception has created. For example, she's never said the "i love you but i'm not in love with you anymore" line that I read about so often on here BUT now I wonder if that's really where she is but is just too broken herself at this point to admit it. I'm just very confused right now.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

A lot of people want to hear the details, of the affair, over and over. I wonder if it would be a good idea to tape them, so you could go back to them any time you need to. I think hearing it helps some people a little bit, get over the bad days. what do you guys think ?


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

You guys who have had wives who had multiple affairs, I just don;t know how you do it. My wife only had one sexual experience and it was not "completed". If she had had more we would not be together. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.


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## How2BelieveAndMoveOn (Sep 10, 2010)

Dow - trust me, this is one the things I think about often. Yes, there were 2 but really they were both part of the first "fool me" scenario. I do struggle mightily with the notion that she made the first mistake, felt awful about it and knew the damage it might cause and yet she found herself making the same mistake a few months later. Its like she didn't learn anything from the first mistake except that she could get away with it.

I do wonder why I'm wanting to work past all of this, forgive her and rebuild. Honestly, right now, I don't know the answer to that. For now, I'm trying to see if I can get past it and save the 16 years that we've been together...maybe I'll find out that I can't or that the marriage has run its course but I don't want to make a quick/rash decision without getting to a better place mentally and emotionally to assess what's best.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wolf,
I had a hell of time getting her to talk, putting a tape recorder in front of her would have been nuts. 

moving on;

My wife had 5 several month affairs, 5 short one month or less, and 10 ONS. This was in the last 13 years of a 19 year marriage. The last 3 years were the worst. She actually told me I saved her.

About 7 years into the marraige she started complaining about me and work so I told her "go get a boy toy". I dismissed our marraige from that point on. I woke up Feb '10


She forgave me I forgave her, that how I do it.

By the way no abortions or STD's


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Sorry, I did not think, I thought just for you. She would not know, micro mic in shirt. I was raised around this stuff, so I kinda take this stuff for granted.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its all good wolf, no need to apoligize. 

Point is, it's a real b*tch to get them to open up, and for some it would make the defference between doubting and reconcile.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dow, 
Sometimes, the multi affairs just go on with out being caught. Thats one thing.

You are correct sir, I would be gone if it happens after I confronted her and now she knows the rules now.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> Amigo,
> 
> Like so many other men "here", I discovered my wife's last affair not the previous ones. And like so many other women, she initially lied about any other affairs. Her story at first was the old "One time Mistake", a moment of confusion and weakness. She kept up with the lie for a few days, but it just didn't work for her like in the past. I suspected off and on for years but She previously had me snowed. But not now.
> 
> ...


My wife used the same playbook as yours. sadly, I was not as savvy as you were in finding it out for a much longer time frame.

Cheating women are accomplished liars.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RWB,
What a trip my wife has mention the evil she felt. mostly toward the end, with alot of ONS.



My 22 year old daghter did the same, along with my 17 year old son.

You joined in Feb.'10..... I confronted my W Feb.'10 


Thats wierd!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> MichZZ,
> 
> When your wife is cheating on your marriage, she is lying to herself as much as to you. When someone can justify infidelity as an acceptable wrong but needed part of marriage... confusion and lies take over the soul of the cheater. My wife had told me that the confusion of lies made her crazy. I used to just really "wink and nod" when I heard or read about demons clinging on to people. Call it whatever you want, I have seen it first hand.


I'm not convinced that anything that removed personal responsibility for her actions is useful to me.

But I'll grant you, the way she acted was evil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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