# I can't make up my mind! Plz help!



## Deer (Sep 5, 2010)

Well, this is my first post and I really appreciate some advice. I'm 28 years old and been married for 7 years. We have had several problems in our marriage like all couples do but they have grown more serious recently. I live with my in-laws (in the same building but in different apartments) and until now I thought that most of my problems are due to them. About a month ago I had a quarrel with my husband and really could take it no more and told him I won't live there any more and he should change the house. He said he couldn't leave his mother and so I came to my parents house. He has set a deadline for me: if you don't come back in a week I will go to the court and call for a divorce! 

I've been thinking a lot for the past month and came to these conclusions:
1. His mother is not really an issue, it's he himself.

2. Having been at my parent's house for over a month, I now know how depressed I had become during all these years, seldom happy and showing symptoms of getting angry, sad and crying.

3. He always complains about this and that, like why isn't the house clean, why haven't you made supper or lunch etc.

4. When sth disappoints him at first he becomes angry and sometimes he starts shouting.

5. He gets annoyed when I spend my own money. He says you spend it on unnecessary things.

6. I'm always feeling afraid of not only him but also his mother. I know this is really a joke but his mother should even know about where I go and why.

7. Recently I found out that every single little issue that happens in our house is immediately made known to his parents by him.

8. He has this brother who he really listens to and so I feel it's him who is deciding for our life not us.

9. He has got this bad habit of mocking and criticizing. It doesn't matter whether its me, my extended family or even his own family like his mother.

Now, what do you think I should do? I really love him but don't know if things would become worst as time passes or not? 
I would really appreciate any advice.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Deer said:


> Well, this is my first post and I really appreciate some advice. I'm 28 years old and been married for 7 years. I have had several problems in my marriage like all couples do but they have grown more serious recently. I live with my in-laws (in the same building but in different apartments) and until now I thought that most of my problems are due to them. About a month ago I had a fight with my husband and really could take it no more and told him I won't live there any more and he should change the house. He said he couldn't leave his mother and so I came to my parents house. He has set a deadline for me: if you don't come back in a week I will go to the court and call for a divorce!
> 
> I've been thinking a lot for the past month and came to these conclusions:
> 1. His mother is not really an issue, it's he himself.
> ...


We used to live with my in laws too. Horrible people. I left too, telling my husband to move out. Well it's been over a year now and I'm still living with my parents, even had a baby during this time, he's still living with his, and I've filed for divorce and don't love him anymore.

I too at first thought it's his mom and dad, but later came to realize that it was my husband's fault, and mine for not putting my foot down sooner. 

I found out after leaving too that he tells them everything like a little girl. No wonder they hated me. I lost all my respect for him as a man because of that. 


There are other problems too which made me file for divorce, but I'm glad I did because he showed his true colors and it helped me get over him.

Unless your husband grows a backbone and grows up, things will never change.

How much you spend, the cooking and cleaning can be solved, they're not that big a problem, you can set a budget and compromise. But him letting people come between you is the biggest issue and that is what can destroy a marriage.

He needs to learn to keep his private marital life and problems to himself, it's strictly between husband and wife. I mean you wouldn't share details of your sex life right? So why share other personal problems you're having with your spouse? It just makes others look down on them. You fight and make up, but the outsiders don't see the making up and moving on part. 

But he has to first accept and acknowledge that there is a problem and only then can you talk about setting boundaries with his family.

Before it's too late, go to couples therapy together.

By the way, what does he think about "your" problem? Did he tell you he would talk to his parents and tell them to back off? What else has he said or done besides setting the deadline?

My husband would tell me he would talk to his parents bla bla bla but it never helped because he didn't really have the proper type of discussion with them, and they don't respect him anyway. If they did they wouldn't mistreat the wife now would they?


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## Deer (Sep 5, 2010)

Well this is what he says: "You are wrong. You shouldn't think like that" and he says that if I really have a problem he would tell his family not to even talk to me anymore. But THAT is not the problem. The problem is that he listens to every thing they say. Apart from that he says that he is quite sure that he and his family have done nothing to make me unhappy!

I did go to a therapy and he said that I have to first make up my mind whether I want to continue this relationship or not.

I really don't mind the cooking and cleaning. That was just an example. The thing I mind is that no matter how hard I try nothing is ever perfect. One day the meal is too salty and the other day it doesn't have any taste. I'm always trying to make him happy and he never seems to be content.

I don't know what I should do to make him grow up as he thinks he is already grown up. He says that it's his mother who need him as his father has recently passed away. But the truth is it's him who needs his mother.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy sounds like a control freak. The deadline is just another manifestation of his need to control. The criticizing, demeaning, insisting, demanding, need to dictate your residence even during a separation, these are all hallmarks of a control freak and possibly a physical abuser (if not now, later). His way or the highway. I'd take the highway.


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## Deer (Sep 5, 2010)

Well from my point of view (not my family of course) he isn't always that bad. He is really kind if he wants to be. When I ask him a favor he would do it nearly most of the time. When he gets mad, he would feel guilty afterward and apologize (although not always).

About being a control freak I kinda agree with you because his mother is really that kind of person and I think he has learned from her. The issue is that I think he might change as the therapist told me (and he emphasized on "might") and I love him so much when that I'm not sure whether I can be happy without him or not.

During the last month when he's not around for some time I miss him but when he calls or even sends a SMS I get angry. I've told him to leave me alone for just one month and I would make my decision to come back to that house or not. I have never even said a word about divorce but I don't know why he keeps bringing it up. He keeps on pushing me and ringing and coming to my parents house. The last time he called my father and the worst things happened: He raised his voice, a thing my father never expected and so hung up the phone.

Every body around me tell me he is bad tempered and would give him a maximum 5 out of 10 for his temper.

Now do you think I should try to save my marriage or not? If I tried harder would he change? I've always coped with him and tried to be patient and not to make him unhappy. Do you think if I opposed him he would change his attitude?


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

My husband too would put a deadline as to when I absolutely have to go back with the baby, but he wouldn't say "or else" so his deadlines came and passed and he did nothing. He refuses to even sign the divorce papers, and still won't acknowledge his or his parents wrongdoings. Eh well.

My husband too refused to move out but would tell me he'll tell them to never talk to me again lol but that's just immature! What do they expect? For us to see each other on a daily basis and ignore each other?? 

Does your husband like to do things out of spite? Like turn little things into big problems just to make you feel hurt or angry?

Do you have children? 

My husband's mom too is a control freak lol are you sure my husband isn't secretly married to you?? 

He will not change if he doesn't want to. People change willingly. And your husband doesn't sound like he's interested in changing or compromising. 

He's using his father's death as an excuse to never leave mommy and his mom might (most probably is) also be manipulating him into feeling guilty for leaving her.

Does his brother live with their mom?


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## Deer (Sep 5, 2010)

No, luckily we don't have any children.

Yes, in the past it didn't happen much but recently (say for the past one year) sometimes he does make a great fuss over nothing and I really can't understand why.

As for his mother, yes, he told me that she's been crying since I left and asks him "what have I done to deserve this" (me leaving and bla bla bla). She seems to have even got sick because of me and so my H is so much under pressure and can't take it anymore. 
And that's the only reason he gives me for coming back:"HIM being under pressure". No talk of what he has done wrong or change of situation if I do come back. He even accuses me of being really selfish.

No, his brother is about 15 years older than my husband and has a family too.


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## Deer (Sep 5, 2010)

No, luckily we don't have any children.

Yes, in the past it didn't happen much but recently (say for the past one year) sometimes he does make a great fuss over nothing and I really can't understand why.

As for his mother, yes, he told me that she's been crying since I left and asks him "what have I done to deserve this" (me leaving and bla bla bla). She seems to have even got sick because of me and so my H is so much under pressure and can't take it anymore. 
And that's the only reason he gives me for coming back:"HIM being under pressure". No talk of what he has done wrong or change of situation if I do come back. He even accuses me of being really selfish.

No, his brother is about 15 years older than my husband and has a family too.


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