# Wow this is tough for all of us



## God_My_Wife_And_Me_Need_U (Jun 8, 2011)

What up everyone,

I just stumbled across this site today and I am not much of an online discussion board poster. I am feeling lost and don't know where to turn, so I thought I would post my story and see what anyone else had to say, so here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 18+ years, dating for 2 before that. She is my next door neighbor since I was 8 years old and first girl friend. We were not young when we got married. I was 21 and she was 19. I have 3 kids, son 15+, daughter 12+ and son 10+. I have a great job with wonderful people and a nice house.

We have had on off discussion and anger issue in the last 3 years of my marriage. In our last encounter we had a physical altercation that resulted in this now separation. I did the typical response which was to get angry and also cry. I knew we had some issues, but I didn't think it would end. 

The issue are many. But here goes.

I come from a Pastoral home (church). My up bring was always about God. As a teenage son I always rebelled, of course. I went the Gang Violence route at an early age and turn my life around at 16+. In the process I lost my only brother and cousin within 2 years. I waited for 2 years until I started looking for a girlfriend. I saw my Wife and this started to escalate to marriage. Our marriage was great; she helped me turn a lot of thing around. 

The cruxes of the issues that we had are as follows: I became the co-pastor of my dad’s church at the age of 33+ and she resisted of being pastor’s wife. That brought me down big time. I started to focus a lot at church and evangelizing. And the issues started to escalate; you never have time for me or the children. More and more I was involved, praying and meditating that God will help us. But that seems to be the opposite. I started to lose hope and faith. Then I started to help this young couple in their marriage and it was about a sexual issue and I could not overcome thinking about their issue, that I got so infatuated with the sexual issue (not going into detail), but just to mentioned that when you go through dry sexual intimacy with the wife because she doesn’t like it (the sexual need) and when you counsel a woman that her sexual drive is at its peak that is not a good mix. I opted to RUN RUN RUN… I left the church and went in to a university in Southern California and I told no one for 1.5 years. I hold that issue inside me for a longtime. I couldn’t tell my wife…. She was going through family issue as well, her brother died and her sister had breast cancer and she lived but those issue happened with months of each other and I was fighting my demons. I focused in school, worked 40 hours and went to school part time. 

Time went on and she started to withdraw from my family and my family church. She detests my mother to the point that she would not let my kids stay over at their grandmother house and forget about family reunions. Xmas and holidays was always a drag….. Man I can go on and on…. 

I’m an EE degree and logic never works with my wife… as more I used it she got more and more angry. I always said you can never leave parents no matter how dreadful they can be, they are our parents. Like I said she detested mother, our church and the church member (some of them). So she opted to leave the flock and join another church, saying that our church is emotional and not fundamental… I disagree. She left a church that lives and preaches the New Testament and having musical instrument to a church that is so rigid that musical instruments are not allowed at all. We started to break our own children to choose churches. I went as far as to go to the church she was going for 6 months for our family sake but I couldn’t bear it any longer that I left.

I know I’m missing a lot of details but if I put them down then I should write a book. 

We had many interactions with her “pastor” and he even told her she had issues and that she need to submit to her husband. What she do nothing… I mean don’t get it wrong she is a GOOD wife and is there for me but when mother-in-law and church comes to play she will fight tooth and nail to resists that she has an issue always blaming me and others.

She started to accuse me of adultery and that I’m going to kill her… really kill her? Out of the blue…. Wow, I started to get self-esteem issue. These last weeks she started to taunt me into doing something to her (I realized this after the fact). Which she succeeded, the police called it Physical Aggression, they didn’t lock me up.

We talked about living in the house but in separated rooms for the kids, I do want added that she has kicked me out the house 2 previous times but I always returned the next day. As days progressed I started to see her more distance and the kids started to have short conversations with me. I asked kids to sleep with me and they all said NAW…. Then she started to sleep with them the last 2 days before she left with them…. She called me and told me I’m gone and you can come and see the kids when ever you want and also just put money for the kids so they can eat don’t worry about the rent and other stuff she will make it on her own with the kids…. “oh by the way go be a pastor and live with you family and get married with the women your mother always wanted” cell phone clicks.

Its been 2 month and I have not seen, heard or even received an email from my kids or wife. Other than that I pay the cell phones and see that she makes a lot of calls. She collects the money from our separate bank account which is under our names. And our kids have not called me even though she has a cell phone and my older son as well. 

Wow… this is a lot and I think I’m missing a lot of stuff but like a said previously I can write a book or maybe I have as many hear have done… we have LOT OF HURT….

Talking about space, she did say she wanted that and that maybe and it is possible that divorce is on the horizon, but that its all up to me… UP to ME really…. She was the one that wanted to leave.... Do I call, do I wait or give her the space she wants?

As I said I have not called her, text her or even emailed her. As a matter of fact I don’t even know where she moved other that I know she local. I’ve read many suggest to be show her tough love and many suggested other stuff but my hope is getting weak.

Now what I’m asking or saying? I still have hope. God's greatest gift is hope! Hope that we can get back together and have that happy home and marriage that we both wanted when we said "I do." Just wondering what anyone else felt about the issue. Felt kind of therapeutic getting the small snapshot of my own personal Hell off of my chest. Thanks to all who moderate and keep this site running.

Argh, does the pain stop? I guess with time and patience it will but I hope the LOVE always stays strong and the 180 that many suggest doesn’t mean 180 on love. 
I’m rambling now….. 
With Hope - God_My_Wife_And_Me_Need_U


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

need you,

Wow, what an incredible story. First, welcome here to the boards. I think you will find that we all have our own issues with our spouses and that we are all here to help. This is the best place in the world for what we are all going through. 

First, it sounds like your wife has an issue with blame. As far as the divorce, it feels like she wants you to "pull the trigger" on the D so she can have a free conscience. It is a horrible trick to pull (by the way it seems like my wife is doing a similar thing to me). 

Religion is always tricky to deal with. I am Catholic and my wife is not. She is in the same kind of church as your wife, but does not attend at all. She says she is not ready to make that step in her life. I think that each person's spirituality is their own and should be respected while also accepting everyone else's. It seems like she is not willing to respect your faith/religion and that is wrong in my opinion, but just my opinion. I don't want to start a holy war or anything, but it can be tough with a husband as a pastor when your wife doesn't believe the same things. I don't know how to fix that, but in my experience, the rational almost never works. One book you might read is "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley. He is a good writer and most of the book talks about how the Bible says we should live our marriages. It may not help (in my case all of the books in the world wouldn't help) but it may give you a game plan for the road back. 

It is obvious to me that the "180" technique will probably not work for you since she has cut off contact, but there may be other things that you can do to try and get her back to work on things. 

It is sad that your children have been used in this way by your wife. It is too bad that there is no way that you can cut her off of the money train without hurting your children. You may consider a "legal separation" from your wife. This way you could get visitation rights (I am pretty sure about this) and also solidify the money situation. I don't know what the laws are in your area, but you might look in to this as a possibility. 

I wish I had more advice for you, but we are all trying to figure this out. If two heads are better than one, then surely hundreds of heads are better than two. Keep the hope. Even when it seems small. I am moving forward with my divorce, but still have hope (even if it is small). Lean on us, that is what we are here for. Good luck and God bless.


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## God_My_Wife_And_Me_Need_U (Jun 8, 2011)

Thanks Dante,

I read some of your post and seem we have some similarities and some differences. 

My story is not that incredible but thanks. Like we all know every story will have 2 or more sides to the story.

I've looked into the legal separation but it seem more like a divorce than anything.

I still have hope.... Our family and church knows a lot of people and God works in mysterious ways. Meaning maybe someone we know will turn to her and let her understand the errors we our causing to our kids and ourselves. 

clarification she is involved with God but it weird that she will choose the path of divorce when the Bible doesn't allow it.... WOW...

well keep your chin up and keep moving and like everything there are UPS and DOWNS but it seem that more DOWNs than UPS....


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

You have GOT to see your kids. She shouldn't be using them to get back at you. I think maybe YOU should file for divorce to get joint custody.


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