# 4 year marriage on the ropes



## Ijustdon'tknowanymore (Jun 21, 2010)

First off I want to thank you for reading this post and value your feedback. 

I have been married for 4 years and with my wife for 7. When I asked her to marry me it was the greatest day of my life, I had no doubts in my mind and I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We had been through a lot during the 3 years before we married and I saw no reason that that would change. Once we married things really changed for the worse.

After 4 months of marriage I started going back to school to finish my degree. I was also working full time and trying to balance marriage, school, and work. I heard over and over that I was not spending enough time with her and that I needed to take less classes and be at home more often. It made me feel as though she really didn't care if I graduated. I began resenting her over this, but worked harder at spending more time with her and paying more attention to her. I heard over and over that I need to do this or do that, and really started feeling beat down and not good enough for her. This treatment caused me to go into a shell (per say) and not want to be around her for fear of upsetting her over something. I truly feel as though I am walking on pins and needles around her.

I finished school last June and have yet to find a job in the field I went to school for. I am working and actually bringing in good money, but I hate what I do and it has made me even more depressed. I told her that I was having a hard time with not finding a job and wanted her to be more supportive and be patient with me, but she says I need to be more effectionate and show her I care about her. I really feel that I do show effection, but not to the level she says she must have. 

I have truly thought about leaving my wife for the past 3 years, but I keep trying to think that things will work out if we just keep working at it. The other night we had a 3 hour talk about our situation and we both seem to be out of love and have reached a crossroads. She doesn't think I show her I love her enough and I think I do. She told me she really wants me to think about whether or not I want to be with her. I don't understand why I have to make the decision of seperating if she says I have to change. I will make this desicion, but feel confused as to why I have to be the one that determines this. I am confused and want this to work, but feel that we have reached a point of no return. 

Again thanks for reading this and I appreciate your comments.


----------



## UnluckyFool (Jun 27, 2010)

IJDKA,
I am not a therapist, so please keep this in mind nor do I insinuate my marriage is perfect. Reading this a man, husband, and someone who has been there I can relate. I guess I would bring her into the delima. You went to school for four years to better yourself and to be a good provider, but you are unable to find a reasonable paying job. Seek her advise on how to rectify the situation. Engaging her might get the focus off of you and onto the problem. If you have tried this as you hinted in your fourth paragraph, then I don't know. Counseling maybe?


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

It sounds to me as if you are both still living as individuals instead of acting and thinking like a couple. First, have you heard of The Five Love Languages? Look into this concept. Essentially we all express our love in different ways be it through words, touch, spending quality time, etc. Your wife very clearly expresses love through time spent together. I would guess that you are quite different but you each need to understand how the other expresses love and speak in that language to each other. 

I am sure there is more to this story but from what you have presented her requests do not seem that far out of line. In fact they are rather in line with what a married couple should desire. Did you stop to think that being with you is more important to her than what you can provide? Of course you don’t need to spend every waking minute with her but you need to put each other first. You said that you were trying to balance school and work and marriage and I realize that has to be hard, especially full-time school, but your marriage ALWAYS has to come first. If you don’t have a happy marriage what good does the job and schooling do you? You said that you tried to spend more time with her, what exactly did you do and how?

Why couldn’t you compromise and cut down to part-time at school? Was she even involved in the decision that you would go back to school? I realize that’s over and done but this goes to my point. You were thinking you, as an individual, knew what was best and from the sounds of it didn’t even consider a compromise to take her needs into consideration. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If she doesn’t feel you show her enough love then you don’t, period. Unless she is way out of line and wants to keep you in the home 24/7 it is not up to you to decide how much love she needs. Just because you need less affirmation doesn’t mean she should. 

You said things changed after getting married. I don’t see much detail on that though. What exactly changed? 

What you have here is not necessarily grounds for divorce, you both just need to find your partnership and instead of working against it work with it. You need to learn how to listen to what she is requesting and not belittle those requests. She also needs to respect that what you are doing, providing for her, is your way of expressing love. She needs to be supportive of you as any wife should be. There needs to be a balance so that both of your emotional needs are being met. I personally would recommend counseling so that you can find out how to get to that place. Marriage is work and it will not maintain itself. 

You might also check out the Emotional Needs questionnaires at marriagebuilders.com for some instruction on how to discover each other’s needs.


----------

