# How do I stop my meltdowns?



## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

We are very early on into recovery. His A ended about 6 weeks ago. I'm having terrible meltdowns and can't help myself. They are really bad. The meds, breathing, visualization, tapping, soothing music - nothing helps when they come. This is killing me mentally and emotionally, the kids are scared, and husband doesn't know what to do. He is doing everything right, but it is not helping me. We are now talking about separating for a bit, until I calm down. Me and the kids staying with family for a few weeks, that kind of thing. On the one hand, I think this could help and I see the benefits of that, but on the other, I feel like I am being punished for what was done to me. 

Any suggestions on what to do at this stage? How can I help myself? Or do I just ride it out and see if R is possible after I'm out of this phase? 

He says he doesn't want the easy way out and is prepared to do the hard work, but he can't handle the intensity and rage of my mood swings. We are not making any progress. I'd say our relationship has taken a few steps back, and neither one of us wants that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Aletta Six weeks is a very short period of time. You can trust me on that, as I have Been There, Done That. 

You are on meds. Are they the right meds? Have a medication review to check this out. 

Do you have a therapist?: If so, are they any good?

Random, general techniques are all well and good, but techniques used must to be focused on you and your needs.

NLP can help.

And remember, we are here for you, OK?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sorry that you are going through this, i will tell you that you need to seek some individual counseling , you also need to step away from this relationship, meaning you need to clear your head and i would highly recommend visit a family member or a family friend and allow your husband to mange the house for a while.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Aletta said:


> On the one hand, I think this could help and I see the benefits of that, but on the other, I feel like I am being punished for what was done to me.


It's the unfortunate reality that you, the person who doesn't deserve it, are going to bear the brunt of the pain. So while it may seem like adding insult to injury that YOU are moving out (even if temporarily) and HE is staying in his house I think it might help to view it like this:

1) You are putting him in your rearview mirror (even if only briefly). If that takes getting away for awhile, that's all it is. You're not giving up anything or letting him have anything.

2) You are going somewhere where YOU will be supported and coming home from the store won't feel like walking into a wall of pain the moment you see him

3) You're getting some time away with just you and your kids, that might help center you

Right now it's all about catching your breath. You're not going to stop the waves of emotion that well up at the drop of a hat, so you need a safe place to ride them out until they start to calm down. They WILL calm down eventually, and not having him around is a great way to get there faster.

Stay strong -- are you exercising? Walking, yoga, meditation? Working up a sweat is a very effective way of getting some of this stuff out of your system.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Personally, I think you should be allowed to rage, and he should bend over and take it like a pro.
Sometimes you need to get angry to get it all out. I had an amazing ragefest at my ex H one night, after I'd had too much to drink. It scared the living crap out of him and all our neighbors knew what a knobend I thought he'd been to me over the years. I wasn't even embarrassed when he told me the next morning. I was glad it happened because it needed to happen. Even though I raged, he still put me into pajamas and tucked me into the spare bed. But inevitably, there was literally no hope for us. There is hope for you but the recipe has to be right.

The fact is, if you WEREN'T angry, he should worry bigtime, because that means you don't care anymore and have become indifferent to the continuation of the relationship. Having strong feelings means that you are still invested in it and you don't want to see it fail. And you don't want HIM to let it fail. You want him to be an adult and own his remorse and demonstrate it consistently.

Your kids.. while I think kids are really hard to "shield" from anything and they should always get age-appropriate versions of the truth... they would probably be worried about you if they saw you raging often. They might think they are to blame if they are really young.

It's still really early days for you. It takes as long as it takes for you to overcome your anger phase, but you do need to find healthy outlets to maintain happiness in your life as well. Life goes on, no matter what variety of poo sandwich it serves you up on a platter.

You should set a healthy timetable for the end of your anger phase... whether you think that may be several weeks, months or more from now. But set a date and track your progress. If your anger is not dissipating as you reach that target date, then you are not doing enough to process and overcome it .... and/or your H is not doing enough to show his remorse.

You should write out a list of the things your H needs to do to show he is remorseful... ACTIVE things that will DEMONSTRATE he is making good on his word that he is committed to healing the marriage. If that means listening to you belt it out at him like a Sgt. Major for the next week, then so be it. Get it out and over with. It is a meager price for him to pay considering the damage he has done. Once done, process it and carry on. You are never going to stop being triggered, but it will get better over time. 

(Can you tell I give no quarter to cheaters?) GIVE HIM NO QUARTER.

If you need to get away because you think that is the right thing to do, then do what you think is right. Bear in mind that IMO, I believe that problems cannot be resolved when couples are apart, that just gives a good excuse to not do any work, then come back together and face the same issues you had when you separated. That's up to you, though. Sometimes it's good to just be alone to gather your thoughts and your plans of action.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

@Aletta
Sorry for your pain, I'm a few months ahead of you regards to the initial trauma and you need to remember it is a huge trauma. I remember those early days well, it's hell. 
I'm now roughly 5 months in and it does calm, the intensity and waves of pain and anger reduce. They don't go but they do reduce. You'll find you might get through a day and by the end of it think WOW a whole day without a melt down.
I still have triggers but find I can mostly talk rational to myself and have learnt what thought process's I must try and stop before sending myself in a torturous state again.
I'd recommend a counsellor for you both but also yourself, we are being helped massively by ours. 
Some days I'm still not sure if I can fix myself enough to want to fight for my marriage and other days I'm glad I have fought this far already. 
We are still living together and managing fine, some days I look at him and want to kill him other days I don't want him to leave the house as I just need him, not sure what for but just need him.
It's so early for you, keep talking though, it does help and there are some real encouraging people on here, some anger and forever bitter, but I kind of get them even if I wouldn't take their advice, you'll soon spot them.
Big hugs.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

First off you have my sympathy, further, you should not feel like you are being punished, this is all H's fault, everything, you are blameless. If you need to take time away with your kids then this must be the right course for you at the moment, a fresh perspective, friendly people around you, just might be the ticket to getting you on the road to a better future, if you do go don't be to firm on returning on a set date, let it run it's course and see how you feel. Please don't beat yourself up over his A, he should be feeling the pain not you but in reality it is usually those left behind that bear the brunt of the hurt. I will look forward to further posts from you to see your progress if you decide to split for a while. Good Luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He can't HANDLE it????? he DOES NOT get to say that. HE CAUSED this. It's HIS FAULT.

Six weeks is nothing. You really need to re read that newbie thread I linked in your other thread - it talks all about all of this stuff. It takes 2-5 YEARS to fully recover, and that is not an exaggeration. My D day was in 2010 and it's been a couple of years for me since things feel 'normal'. Whatever that is.

There is a reason it's called PISD. Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. Look it up - it's real. And you SHOULD be pissed. AT HIM. And you SHOULD let him KNOW that you're pissed. You will be triggered - TELL him. This needs to be as much of HIS burden to bear as you can make it. HE CAUSED this.

I cannot BELIEVE he would think getting you out of his face is the solution here!!!!!! He ****ED UP and HE is the one who needs to make amewnds.

He is NOT doing everything he possibly can to help you recover. I know you said he is, but he ISN'T. If he was, he would apologize ten million times. Every time you trigger he would be sorry. DEMONSTRABLY sorry, not just paying it lip service. He would stand there and hang his head while you rage at him and take it like a man. And when you are done raging he would hold you and let you cry it out. Apologizing the entire time. If he was doing everything he possibly could, he would actively avoid things that trigger you, and he would know what they are because he would WANT to know so that he could help you through this and he would ASK you what they are. He would chekc in with you and ask you if you're ok and ask what he could do to help if you're having a bad day. He would write you a long letter confessing his sins and asking for forgiveness and telling you how full of regret and sorrow he truly is for what he did. And he would commit to doing ALL of this for however many years it takes you to heal.

My husband did all of this. It's why I am with him today. If he hadn't, and didn't still, he'd be history.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He can't HANDLE it????? he DOES NOT get to say that. HE CAUSED this. It's HIS FAULT.
> 
> Six weeks is nothing. You really need to re read that newbie thread I linked in your other thread - it talks all about all of this stuff. It takes 2-5 YEARS to fully recover, and that is not an exaggeration. My D day was in 2010 and it's been a couple of years for me since things feel 'normal'. Whatever that is.
> 
> ...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lol


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Satya said:


>


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> He can't HANDLE it????? he DOES NOT get to say that. HE CAUSED this. It's HIS FAULT.


Agreed! And dont let him throw around the word "abuse" - some WSs like to use that term when their BSs verbally rage after dday....its not abuse its consequences...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Aletta

Six weeks in to infidelity is a very short time that actually feels like years. Infidelity is a huge trauma to ones mind, everything is turned over and shaken until the bottom of the drawer falls out. Now you have a huge pile of feelings, emotions, thoughts, and beliefs sitting in a pile that looks like your neighbors. It's all foreign to you now, it's not what came from you, the pile resembles nothing of you.

At the point you are at in infidelity is the beginning of the roller coaster. In the beginning you have the most drops and turns, and they can be wicked. There is no slowing this down or disembarking this cruel ride, it's white knuckle holding on until the moment passes. What you need to know right now is that these feelings, thoughts, and emotions are fleeting, and they too shall pass. You will have racing thoughts for five months or better, but it will begin to slow down a little. Panic attacks are common early in with infidelity, then they settle until that first time your spouse doesn't answer a call or text from you. Then it starts all over again, and yes, this is very troublesome to you. But your spouse is the cause, and you need to tell them they caused this with their decision. 

I was placed on medications, had side effects and had to try several before one worked. I am currently on Effexor, started with a low dose, that was increased until I could function well, current dose is 150 milligrams. I also was prescribed klonapin for panic attacks and increased anxiety. I was to take them as needed, and in the beginning it was often. One thing you should know is that these medications are temporary and as time passes you can be weaned off of them. You most likely will not need to take them for more then a few years, you can thank your spouse for this gift. I did because I hate to take medication, so each time I take mine my wife knows exactly how I feel. My gift to her. Don't mistake the meaning here for the gifts, we aren't trying to one up the other, rather we be honest with each other. 

Emotions run rampant early on, and right now I'm guessing you are about to enter the anger stage. This truly scary for you and your family. You will not be able to suppress these feelings of anger, in fact be prepared to just completely lose your ****. Rage, pure rage is going to come from you that you never thought possible. In my case I threw everything I could that wasn't nailed down in my garage. If I could lift it I threw it, and that includes the lawn mower I bounced off the ceiling. You will not even know who you are during these fits of rage, but let them out if you can. Just go off by yourself and let the rage out if at all possible. I always left the house to the garage or somewhere, and if I went to the garage my wife took the kids for a walk. They don't need to see your rage, we kept that hidden from the kids. 

Once the rage begins to subside you are going to think of justice. Justice is not attainable, learn this now, nothing you do will be an acceptable form of punishment. Revenge affair, why lower yourself and give up on your beliefs and core values? Why go against what you stand for? You won't hurt your husband as bad because he will know it's coming, he won't be in shock like you were. Think of it this way, if you throw gas on a fire, does it go out? Now instead of trying to heal from one affair you have to heal from two. How do you think you will feel a week after you have a revenge affair? You'll probably just feel worse that you gave yourself away for what? To get even? 

Wait the six months from d-day, at that point reassess where you are both at. Measure the actions of your spouse, are they matching his words and wanting the marriage? Be careful, you may think you are seeing remorse, you may think they are doing everything right, but are they? The fact your husband gets angry or frustrated with your actions and emotions is very telling. For one remorse has not come to him yet, for he would feel your pain and not respond with frustration or anger. Second his doing everything right is wrong too, if he were doing everything right, he would act accordingly to your actions. I'm not saying your husband is terrible, what I'm saying is that it's easy to think he has remorse and is doing everything right. It's easy because the long haul is just beginning, and he has already had flare ups over how YOU feel. That's not remorse, nor is it doing everything right, it's dangerously close to rug sweeping. He shows anger at your feelings, you may begin to doubt if you are being too emotional, and thus the rug sweeping begins.

Aletta, you have a long way to go in your recovery, but what you need to know is reconciliation is a process with no shortcuts. Hard work will need to be done by both you and your husband. I suggest IC for you both, at six months out you can then make your decision from strength as you are working on becoming a better you. You become healthier as a person, you become stronger and learn how to deal with racing thoughts and emotions. Do not even think of MC yet, it's far too early and very difficult to work on yourself and the marriage at the same time. Just focus on you and your kids at this time, this will be very hard to do on its own, let alone trying to work on the marriage too. 

I came to TAM as it was cathartic to me to write my feelings out and get feedback. Some is harsh, some is funny and some make you think hard of your situation. But finding people who have gone through what you have is a feeling that helped me very much. I found that others thought and felt what I did, I wasn't alone, and I was somewhat normal for feeling as I did. Stay here, get stronger, and you will get through this. God bless you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Aletta said:


> We are very early on into recovery. His A ended about 6 weeks ago. I'm having terrible meltdowns and can't help myself. They are really bad. The meds, breathing, visualization, tapping, soothing music - nothing helps when they come. This is killing me mentally and emotionally, the kids are scared, and husband doesn't know what to do. He is doing everything right, but it is not helping me. We are now talking about separating for a bit, until I calm down. Me and the kids staying with family for a few weeks, that kind of thing. On the one hand, I think this could help and I see the benefits of that, but on the other, I feel like I am being punished for what was done to me.
> 
> Any suggestions on what to do at this stage? How can I help myself? Or do I just ride it out and see if R is possible after I'm out of this phase?
> 
> He says he doesn't want the easy way out and is prepared to do the hard work, but he can't handle the intensity and rage of my mood swings. We are not making any progress. I'd say our relationship has taken a few steps back, and neither one of us wants that.


As someone who recovered from PTSD (Not from infidelity) it is similar to what you are going through. I also was cheated on and know both feelings. What I learned from my PTSD and what I wish I had known about while I was going through the aftermath of being cheated on is- Don't try to stop the symptoms you have, accept them, but realize that what you are feeling is a part of the process. Treat it like Chemo therapy. It is just something you have to go through to heal. You also have to give yourself permission to believe that it won't last forever and there is hope to be happy again, with this guy or without. I know this is very hard if this is the first time you have experienced this. It will get better though I promise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Six weeks is only a blip in time compared to the years -- sometimes many years -- it takes to recover from infidelity. Triggers can occur even decades later and make you feel you're back in the moment. 

He created this problem and if he wants to remain married then he's going to have to learn to deal with the aftermath. You can't fast-forward through it. Recovery is difficult -- the only easy part is the decision to try -- and it takes as long as it takes.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Do the following:

1 - it takes time.
2 - IC
3 - Talk about getting some medication to help. Gabapentin is a good one. Avoid Xanax, which helps and makes things worse at the same time.
4 - 180 / go to the gym


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

6 weeks is way early. I'm not that much further out than you and things still trigger me: songs, places, thinking. 

side note: @ drifting on: Effexor is rough + has a crappy letdown when you get off it. My brief stint during college had me scarred. If it's working for you though, great!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The part that stood out for me is that the kids are scared. In what way are you raging and what are they seeing? It is natural and normal to rage but not all "raging" is acceptable at any time (not abusive to anyone, not self harming, not raging in front of the children, not punching walls or breaking plates, that sort of thing) 

You still need to have control over your emotions. If you can not then medical or family help is needed. It's a horrible time for you but harming yourself, others, or your kids in the meantime is not productive and needs to be stopped ASAP.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Thank you all for your replies. This has been so helpful. 

I'm not raging, I'm RAGING. The husband is scared and frustrated because he can't help me calm down. I've been rejecting him and lashing out. This has been going on for the last two weeks. Before that I was numb and scared and managed to be relatively rational. Not anymore.

I flushed my wedding ring down the toilet ten days ago and made him give me his and then I sold it for scrap gold. I gave the money to a charity. Best feeling ever. So glad I got rid of them. (Anyone else did something like this?) 

I think a break will be good although my Mum stresses me out. 

I need to take better care of myself. I've been enjoying too many gin&tonics and have been smoking a packet a day. And not exercising. my eating has not been great either. I need to get back to normal. 

I'm now pissed off because he doesn't want to deal with my pain. Weakling.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If your mom frustrates you, anyone else you can go to? Don't think of it as you being punished. 

It's a break from his sh*t and a vacation for you to heal. Make it fun for you, go out to the spa, get your hair done, see a movie you've wanted to watch, splurge on a fancy dinner. Have a girls night.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I threw my wedding ring out the car window. He actually went and found it later and I got it back. My cell phone too. And a bunch of change he had in a jar in his car.

I also made him get rid of a couch he had that was in my house under false pretenses.. I threw a pop can at him and hit him in the head. I also drank and smoked too much for a while. The need passed though.

Are you in IC? Because that was my link to sanity.

If you need a break take one. But if your mom stresses you out do NOT go to her. Make your husband pay for a hotel room for you or a weekend in the mountains or something. Get AWAY. Truly AWAY.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Why can't he leave the house and go stay some where, you do not need to be around the extra stress you already have.

If i stayed with someone that cheated on me, they will take every bit of lashing I give out because they are the cause of it


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aletta,

A few questions.

Does the OW live close by.

Is she someone who was in your life previously.

Have you exposed the OW to her family and H.

Has your H thrown out everything from the OW.

Will your H submit to a polygraph.

Tamat


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> He can't HANDLE it????? he DOES NOT get to say that. HE CAUSED this. It's HIS FAULT.
> 
> Six weeks is nothing. You really need to re read that newbie thread I linked in your other thread - it talks all about all of this stuff. It takes 2-5 YEARS to fully recover, and that is not an exaggeration. My D day was in 2010 and it's been a couple of years for me since things feel 'normal'. Whatever that is.
> 
> ...



THIS!

Take a break from him, go and stay with family, let him feel what it is like to be without you all, he needs to take on the burden of what he did. Meanwhile, your parents can give you a safe haven. You should be able to get yourself on an even keel and see things more clearly. In fact you may well decide you don't want to be with him anymore. Time and space (from him) will help you, take it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are going to go through these stages, as you are mourning what was, mourning the marriage. If you do reconcile, you have to build a new marriage.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Satya said:


> Personally, I think you should be allowed to rage, and he should bend over and take it like a pro.


Took the words right out of my mouth.

I am so sorry you're in such pain. Your husband needs to deal with it. Every single bit of it. Your rage fests are nothing compared to what he did to you and his family.

Is there any possible way he could leave the home for the separation? Why should you have to uproot your routine when it was him who blew up life as you knew it?


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Yes i should be allowed to rage, but if you are suffering that much, think about high blood pressure and stress arent good for you and it's harming you and not him in that way....you need better meds, they will stop this from happening, trust me, they have them....just ask for right dosage and likely will need more than just one med, prbly 3 or so....hang in there be strong 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I don't mind being the one to go away, since it will practically be a beach holiday in my home town. That's not a bad thing. I just need to set the tone with my Mum and don't let her lament my situation and cry too much. My parents divorced some years ago and she is projecting her situation on me. Not helpful. 

I had a few IC sessions in June and early July, but she wasn't a good fit so I dropped it. I will call up a place today and see if they can take me


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would try and start thinking with my head rather than the heart:
What is the result I want to see, maybe it one of the following:
1/ Revenge (nothing else matters) - have an affair, shred his suits, boil the bunny etc.
2/ Get myself a new life - Divorce, plan it carefully to get the most out of the settlement.
3/ Fix the marriage - Write up a list of demands, what would it take to restore ego, build up some sort of trust, make him more accountable for when he is out of sight, deal with any bad habits.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Aletta said:


> We are very early on into recovery. His A ended about 6 weeks ago. I'm having terrible meltdowns and can't help myself. They are really bad. The meds, breathing, visualization, tapping, soothing music - nothing helps when they come. This is killing me mentally and emotionally, the kids are scared, and husband doesn't know what to do. He is doing everything right, but it is not helping me. We are now talking about separating for a bit, until I calm down. Me and the kids staying with family for a few weeks, that kind of thing. On the one hand, I think this could help and I see the benefits of that, but on the other, I feel like I am being punished for what was done to me.
> 
> Any suggestions on what to do at this stage? How can I help myself? Or do I just ride it out and see if R is possible after I'm out of this phase?
> 
> He says he doesn't want the easy way out and is prepared to do the hard work, but he can't handle the intensity and rage of my mood swings. We are not making any progress. I'd say our relationship has taken a few steps back, and neither one of us wants that.


It takes 2 to 5 YEARS for the betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity.

It does sound like you need a break at this time.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Aletta said:


> I flushed my wedding ring down the toilet ten days ago and made him give me his and then I sold it for scrap gold. I gave the money to a charity. Best feeling ever. So glad I got rid of them.


I like you.



> I'm now pissed off because he doesn't want to deal with my pain. Weakling.


That's because he's a special snowflake and doesn't deserve it.

I'd take the break alright, but leave the kids at home and let Father of the Year care for them while you're at your mom's. He found time to conduct an affair, he'll find time to care for his kids. Otherwise, you're just giving the ass a nice quiet empty house to enjoy.


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## NJ2 (Mar 22, 2017)

RAGE!!!!!!!!! I also know it well. I screamed and shouted- kicked and punched the interior of his car (while he was driving). Physically pushed him out of the bed onto the floor.....threw things...you name it. This type of RAGE happened on and off for 2 years- settling down and then being reignited by a lie, an omission, anything that created doubt and uncertainty in my mind. I never found the smoking gun but enough red flags to indicate something was rotten in Denmark. 

I recently went on Ciprolex (was already on wellbutrin) The constant anxiety had pushed my limits and set off OCD. 

Even though the meds dont reach their full benefit untill 4 weeks I feel far more calm and rational. I feel more in control of my emotions. 

We are staying together. We are in MC/IC. 

I am sorry for your pain.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Aletta

Your emotions need to run their course, they need to be let out, think of it as a pressure valve. What you need to be worried about is that your emotions do not consume you and make you even less healthier. This is why medications would most likely be very well for you to take, before it leads to more health issues. I am not a fan of any kind of medications, let alone psych meds that are very powerful. The side effects can be brutal, so if this happens ask your physician for a different medication. 

Controlling a meltdown early on in infidelity is very hard to do. You are going through a very broad spectrum and swinging wildly from one end to the other. In other words calm is something you won't feel for quite a while. I don't say this to get you down but rather so you can prepare yourself that this won't end in a week or two. If you're husband were remorseful he would help to guide you through this storm, we see that he isn't. 

Take the break for a little while, and I agree that the kids stay with him. This means he can't have an abundance of time to get himself into trouble. The biggest concern is what he will do while you are gone. You have to see what exactly he is capable of, leaving you twice, so don't think a third won't happen. I say this because of how early on you are in this, and truthfully it's quite scary.

I agree that you need to find a good IC, one who specializes in PTSD and infidelity. Make sure the fit between you and your therapist is good. A good therapist will listen, advise, call you out, challenge you, and most importantly keep you on edge and not comfortable in therapy. Trust will come as you go through the process of therapy, but remember therapy is meant to be uncomfortable, this is when you begin to truly heal yourself. 

Be sure to set limits with your mother. Perhaps you could schedule one day a week for thirty minutes to talk of the affair. The rest of the time it is not to be discussed for any reason. This is a time for you to get your bearings so you can start to get your life back. You are currently surviving in life, but in time you will begin to live life.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

You're being way too hard on yourself to recover and you're setting unrealistic expectations. 6 weeks is just enough time for the current meds to regulate. They may be the wrong meds. It takes time to figure out which meds, dosage, etc. work for you. You need to give yourself a break. 

Now, I don't completely agree that he should just submit and "take" your mood swings, even if he is the cause of them. He's a person, too. I'd only subject him to about half of them and I'd do it 100% guilt free. He can't handle it? Too f-ing bad. However, if you reduce the number of them it'll make the swings you have that much better and more productive. Also, it's in YOUR best interest (because remember we're not too worried about him here) to reduce the mood swings if you can. Youre concern needs to be about you 80% and him 20%. This is why I say try to cut back on them if you can.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

growing_weary said:


> 6 weeks is way early. I'm not that much further out than you and things still trigger me: songs, places, thinking.
> 
> side note: @ drifting on: Effexor is rough + has a crappy letdown when you get off it. My brief stint during college had me scarred. If it's working for you though, great!




I tried several different medications, all had very bad side effects for me. Effexor works well, side effects minimal, and yea, very crappy feeling of you stop it suddenly.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maybe get rid of the dumb **** that continued to carry on his affair for two months AFTER D-Day.

He's not reconciliation material.

On a side note, if you need anti-depressants or what-the-Hell-ever other drug to modify your natural brain chemistry just to live with someone, it's time to divest yourself of that someone.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

We live abroad, very far from home, and only travel once a year. I will stay at home for a few weeks. I can't leave the kids with him so long, it just isn't doable. I don't think he will cheat while I'm away. I believe he is over the whole thing and has no desire to go back to it. However, if he does - then he will do me a big favour of saving me from more wasted time and false R. We discussed this with the MC - she agreed that he must be able to put boundaries in place and behave without me supervising. Not just now but always. I think this is the only way to go about it. It is only up to him to not mess up. 

The kids and I will go to the beach for a week and I'm really looking forward to that.

I have though about everything written here about regret vs remorse and I understand the difference better. Yes, he is showing regret , I understand that now, but I believe I also see a level of remorse. Clarity hit him quickly and he saw how much damaged he has caused me, our family, as well as himself. I think his frustration has mainly to do with me pushing him away while he is trying to comfort me and make me feel safe. Since his efforts have been rejected he doesn't know what to do. Plus the rage. So I do understand him but frankly, I don't care. This is all his doing. I want to stop raging for my sake and the kids. The snowflake can go and melt as far as I'm concerned.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Since we are talking meds, I'm on a small dose of escitalopram (Lepraxo is the brand name). It takes the edge off and no side effects. I need to see a doc soon and talk about increasing the dose, or switching to something else. I've been on it for about 8 weeks now.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aletta,

You wrote, *Since we are talking meds, I'm on a small dose of escitalopram (Lepraxo is the brand name).*

Good God, I'm always bothered that it falls on the betrayed spouse to take something for their mental anguish. 

When the cheater starts taking pills it's like an excuse for why they had an affair. 

Can't they market a pill which makes a cheater tell the truth, become transparent, make amends and become monogamous???

Tamat


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Aletta,
> 
> You wrote, *Since we are talking meds, I'm on a small dose of escitalopram (Lepraxo is the brand name).*
> 
> ...


I know what you mean. I'm paying the price for what he did. For his fun, his thrill, his little romance. Of course, he is now horrified by what he has done. But it's a bit late. I don't think I will ever be the same. That sassy, confidant woman is gone. 

I have taken an on-line depression test and it suggests I have severe depression. I don't know how reliable these online tests are, but I guess it is not completely wrong. 
I detest the bastard who did this to me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Aletta said:


> We live abroad, very far from home, and only travel once a year. I will stay at home for a few weeks. I can't leave the kids with him so long, it just isn't doable. I don't think he will cheat while I'm away. I believe he is over the whole thing and has no desire to go back to it. However, if he does - then he will do me a big favour of saving me from more wasted time and false R. We discussed this with the MC - she agreed that he must be able to put boundaries in place and behave without me supervising. Not just now but always. I think this is the only way to go about it. It is only up to him to not mess up.
> 
> The kids and I will go to the beach for a week and I'm really looking forward to that.
> 
> I have though about everything written here about regret vs remorse and I understand the difference better. Yes, he is showing regret , I understand that now, but I believe I also see a level of remorse. Clarity hit him quickly and he saw how much damaged he has caused me, our family, as well as himself. I think his frustration has mainly to do with me pushing him away while he is trying to comfort me and make me feel safe. Since his efforts have been rejected he doesn't know what to do. Plus the rage. So I do understand him but frankly, I don't care. This is all his doing. I want to stop raging for my sake and the kids. The snowflake can go and melt as far as I'm concerned.


I think finding your anger is actually a sign of a healthy process going on, of course your WH does not like it because it reminds him of the POS he is and he is powerless to stop it. Do what you have to do, let him sweat, it will do him good, to see consequences for blowing up his family. Your are grieving, time will heal you and you will be stronger for it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Aletta,

BTW, the rage you are feeling is very natural.

If you watch TV shows people have affairs and seem to get over them, but in real life not so much. I've gotten over the people in my family who died, yet the affair my W had 20+ years ago, closer to 30 years never went away. In some senses they are worse even than death. 

Tamat


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Now, I don't completely agree that he should just submit and "take" your mood swings, even if he is the cause of them. He's a person, too. I'd only subject him to about half of them and I'd do it 100% guilt free. He can't handle it? Too f-ing bad. However, if you reduce the number of them it'll make the swings you have that much better and more productive. Also, it's in YOUR best interest (because remember we're not too worried about him here) to reduce the mood swings if you can. Youre concern needs to be about you 80% and him 20%. This is why I say try to cut back on them if you can.


Great advice, thanks.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Anger is normal and is part of the grieving process. For me to get over it took two different steps. First I worked out every day and every time I was struggling to get a few more reps I'd drop a few F-bombs in her honor and push myself a little harder. Exercise helps a lot with stress reduction and also helps you sleep better. The second thing I did was got a really good counselor. He sat down with me and we dissected what specific components were making me angry. Then we worked through those items until I could rationalize them in a way that I could deal with. 

Do you know what about his affair specifically makes you angry. Is it the lack of control, the feeling of failure, the feeling that life isn't fair, feeling like you never really knew him and your relationship was based on a lie, feeling trapped because of what leaving would mean for your family, feeling foolish that you didn't catch him earlier, etc.? If you can get to the root of your anger you can probably work through the issues a lot faster with a good counselor.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Aletta

As @Bananapeel says, your anger is completely normal and a very necessary part of grieving your old, lost marriage. I found mine useful in getting through the depression and apathy that threatened to drown me in the first few months after D-day. But I do think that you need be careful. Anger can be very seductive when we are feeling disempowered and disrespected because it makes us feel so strong. But like most stimulants, the high does pass. And then the consequences of actions taken and words said will need facing. Let your anger in response to your situation through - but harness it and do not let it decide your behaviour. 

There is a reason why so many sources recommend delaying making a decision about reconciliation. It is so that you are on the other side of this great anger when you do. Although to be honest, after 6 months, I wasn't exactly less angry, just more able to reason my way through it. My husband found it very helpful when I made the promise not to decide for 6 months. It meant that he could have hope that my state of mind would improve, even if it was very bad right then. And it meant that I didn't feel as much pressure from him to try and forgive or get over "it" because he was terrified that I would walk out. Because we both had more time. 

Like others on this thread I cannot recommend IC enough. Find someone that you have good chemistry with. You deserve the best support right now. In the early months, the anger was a bit like steam in a pressure cooker - and IC was that little dancing weight thingy. My IC therapist had to miss a session because she was on holiday. My husband quietly rearranged his schedule to make absolutely sure that there was no way that I missed the next one. 

FWIW I'm still not wearing my wedding ring. And the only reason that we still have wedding photographs is that it occurred to me that they might be important to my kids or grandkids sometime in the future.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Do you know what about his affair specifically makes you angry. Is it the lack of control, the feeling of failure, the feeling that life isn't fair, feeling like you never really knew him and your relationship was based on a lie, feeling trapped because of what leaving would mean for your family, feeling foolish that you didn't catch him earlier, etc.? If you can get to the root of your anger you can probably work through the issues a lot faster with a good counselor.


I don't know. I need to think about this, figure it out. 

My problem is that I blindly trust people and see what I want to see, rather than the truth. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where we treated my father like he was a god and were not allowed to see reality about him. Stories were told to mask reality and we all had to believe them. So I grew up with that and tend to project what I wish to be true onto people. I have been burned in the past with a few friends for this reason, and now with my husband. I was shocked when he told me, never saw it coming, but now that I think about him as a person, it makes perfect sense. His insecurities, emotional issues, lack of boundaries, impulsiveness, neediness. He has actually always been prime material for adultery but I didn't see it because what I chose to believe was that he was so madly in love with me that he would never, ever do that kind of thing, even though I was always aware of his issues. I must force myself to see reality. The cost is too high.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Aletta said:


> I don't know. I need to think about this, figure it out.
> 
> My problem is that I blindly trust people and see what I want to see, rather than the truth. I grew up in a dysfunctional family where we treated my father like he was a god and were not allowed to see reality about him. Stories were told to mask reality and we all had to believe them. So I grew up with that and tend to project what I wish to be true onto people. I have been burned in the past with a few friends for this reason, and now with my husband. I was shocked when he told me, never saw it coming, but now that I think about him as a person, it makes perfect sense. His insecurities, emotional issues, lack of boundaries, impulsiveness, neediness. He has actually always been prime material for adultery but I didn't see it because what I chose to believe was that he was so madly in love with me that he would never, ever do that kind of thing, even though I was always aware of his issues. I must force myself to see reality. The cost is too high.


You sound like my home situation + views of relationship twin minus the anger (I tend towards melancholy). Your H's traits sounds similar to mine. The cost is indeed too high to ignore reality. Funny thing is that if a friend was going through what I went through I would go off on how horrible her H was. Being in it makes it altogether a different story. It almost feels like you've stepped into another dimension from all the people who don't have infidelity in their lives: the betrayed spouse twilight zone.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

growing_weary said:


> You sound like my home situation + views of relationship twin minus the anger (I tend towards melancholy). Your H's traits sounds similar to mine. The cost is indeed too high to ignore reality. Funny thing is that if a friend was going through what I went through I would go off on how horrible her H was. Being in it makes it altogether a different story. It almost feels like you've stepped into another dimension from all the people who don't have infidelity in their lives: the betrayed spouse twilight zone.




Truthfully your immediate response to infidelity is to protect the betrayed. If you did have a friend going through infidelity you first want to protect, then inform them how terrible their actions were. As a betrayed the reality of infidelity smacks you hard. It's similar to a knockout punch, and you become punch drunk and suddenly your entire world has no footing or direction. You have to ground yourself, such as IC or just taking time for your head to begin to clear. I will only speak for myself here, but in the beginning I didn't think reconciliation to be possible. When rage hit it almost became a never in my life will I reconcile. 

Giving yourself time allows you to make a decision from strength, an informed decision. I later chose to reconcile because of what I saw from my wife, not what she told me each and every day. I watched her actions, even when she didn't know I was watching, her actions matched her words. I sat down and began to list my boundaries, breach of any boundary would be divorce. 

On here I sometimes get caught up in a thread, did just the other day, because you want to protect the betrayed. You can feel the the pain of the betrayed, you can see them in limbo. This brings pain to the betrayed, and most times that is displayed in anger for the betrayed. You aren't mad at the betrayed but rather the pain you see the betrayed going through. I have a friend who is going through infidelity now, and I've had to reel myself in and not respond out of anger. I've given some advice, I've helped them to find a good lawyer, she wants a divorce. The kids are broken up, the family is hurting no doubt, but she's being strong in this. Infidelity is truly terrible.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> On a side note, if you need anti-depressants or what-the-Hell-ever other drug to modify your natural brain chemistry just to live with someone, it's time to divest yourself of that someone.


Is not like that Gus, BS suffers emotional pain no matter if they stay or go, this emotional pain causes nasty harm to your body n heart, high blood pressure, etc...is the POS cheater worth letting affect your health cause what they did??, f no, protect yourself from their harm as best you can, if it takes meds so be it , and no they don't alter brain chemistry unless you take for 6 month or more.....but the hell if am going to let their crappy choices affect my long term health...


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

I just want to report here that I have not had a meltdown for 4 days. That feels great. The meds are helping, I just feel more in control and find it easier to resist impulses.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Aletta said:


> I just want to report here that I have not had a meltdown for 4 days. That feels great. The meds are helping, I just feel more in control and find it easier to resist impulses.




It took me too long to figure out that I needed the meds in order to feel somewhat myself and be able to deal with everything that was going on with husbands affair plus be a mom plus work.
You are still so early...it's been years for me and I still have my days where I rage. I miss the old me and I think I'm truly angry that that person was taken from me.
Hang in there.


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## Aletta (Aug 7, 2017)

Thanks. 

I wonder if the old me will be back. I'm glad I've decided to take meds, this is the first time for me. I had awful anxiety a decade ago and suffered through it. It could have been easier. I don't want to repeat the same mistake now.

Hope you're doing well.


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