# False Sense of Security???



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

If you had asked me last week, I had one foot out the door of my marriage and was talking to a lawyer about separation. But my husband seems to have really changed. He is spending more time with our daughter, asking if I need anything, asking if it is ok instead of just making plans and telling me he is doing something, helping out around the house. He is definitely less agressive with his communication and is doing a better job of letting me be me. 

I feel a lot more at ease and comfortable, but I am worried that I am loving my lifestyle more than my spouse. I still tense and experience a feeling of panic when he tries to be intimate with me (hugging, kissing, general signs of affection). I also experience a sense of panic when an interaction or conversation begins that may lead to being intimate in the biblical sense. 

I still feel objectified more than I am comfortable with. I have to host a press-heavy event for a big name author where I work and bought a new dress. Trying it on for my husband turned into him wanting to know if I had any black undergarments that would match my black hose and heels and me having to talk my way out of an intimate encounter I did not want to have. I just feel like he doesn't respect me as an individual and views me as an object. He normally only complements me when I am in some state of undress, which makes me feel his motivation is more physical than emotional. 

I still don't believe that I love him. We haven't been intimate in several weeks, and I feel more at ease and relaxed because of that fact...I am not sure why. I am not so angry and feeling controlled right now, and I am worried that I am falling into this false sense of security. 

If we are going to separate, I just want to separate. I don't want to wait for another blow up to trigger the discussion. But I am not sure how to justify separation now. Its like I imagined the controlling, paranoid, insecure and jealous spouse I had just a month ago. I am also worried that I am staying out of convenience, like if we're not fighting I don't mind living with him. We have a nice home, land, grandparents next door, pets etc. If we're not fighting, I can live with him. If he's not being controlling and jealous, I can live with him. But I don't know if I can be intimate with him. 

If he really loves me (I mean more than I love him), and I am staying mostly out of convenience and comfort and not wanting to usurp my daugther's life, is that fair to him? Is that fair to me? Is it better to separate and let us both find the life we want or deserve, or is it better to preserve the disfunctional family we've created and stay out of convenience and fear of making a mistake?

Does anyone have any thoughts?


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