# Is this emotional cheating??



## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Back story: Hubby and I have been married for 8 years and have two kids. We are high school sweethearts and I have always been 100% faithful to him. He has never physically cheated but I know that he has emotionally cheated once with an ex girlfriend when we were having some issues after about 2 years of marriage.

Last night I met this guy online through another social media site who works in the area and I have never met him but I have heard of him from friends. He asked to Facebook message me and I said yes. Before I knew it the conversation had gone from work related to him talking about how sexy I was in my photos and how he would love to meet up. I told him I was married and he said that he was married too. He told me that he loved his wife but she didn't show him any affection and that he had needs as a man. I told him I had the same issue with my husband who comes home from work and falls asleep on the couch and that the only time he shows me affection is when he is drunk and/or wants sex. He ended telling me the things he wanted to do to me but I just keep saying things like ok, that sounds good... Stuff like that... He sent me pictures of him at work and also nude pictures. He asked for pictures of me so I sent 2 pictures to him but none of them were nude or even close to it! He kept telling me how sexy I was and how much he wanted to meet up and I will be honest it was so nice to hear someone actually showing some type of interest in me! He ended up asking me to meet him at a hotel later this week and I told him that as nice as it was to be wanted by someone else I just couldn't do it. Even though I didn't get too much into the sexual side of the conversation I am now having a huge guilt trip because I have never ever done anything like this before and I could never hurt my husband like this even though he as emotionally cheated.

I just need someone to help calm me down and set me straight


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, you both crossed the line. If your husband did all of this with a woman, what would you think? Answer that honestly.

If you need further clarification, you should send the messages you exchanged with this man to your husband and ask his opinion.

Or maybe you think it's completely innocent what you guys did/are doing?

And my GOSH, seriously, you only met him "last night" and are already talking about meeting up at a hotel next week and sending naked pics?

Goodness, I have become such a prude it seems because that seems horribly fast to me.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

OMG, He was totally playing you and you fell for it hook line and sinker. You had no business talking to him whatsoever, and you should feel guilty. 

Wow, talk about easy pray. 

Unfriend him and never speak to him again. Tell your husband what you did and work on your marriage. Or end it. But you do NOT sit there and lap up compliments from another man much less accept nude pictures of him. 

So effing wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Also, you have posted the same thing in three different threads now. Please stick to one thread. It's easier.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/178938-emotional-cheating.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/178954-would-husband-want-know.html


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh yeah and find the guys wife and tell her what the two of you talked about. She should know what a scum bag her husband is. 

What you did was wrong. So make it right.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

At no point did I ever think was I was doing was ok and like I said he did all of the lets meet up and sex and nude picture talks. I erased the pictures after they came through and asked him not to send any more. I told him that it was nice to have another man appreciate me and yes I was totally played and I take full responsibility for being very easy prey, its not hard when you get no emotion or attention from your husband. I never said I would meet up with him or even said I wanted to, that was all him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You weren't played if you were actively participating.

Just saying.

I wouldn't talk to this guy again. It's clear he only wants in your pants. 

Talk to your husband about wanting more attention from him.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

You are right. I don't plan on ever speaking to him again! This was just one huge wake up call and I know that it's time to really open up to my husband and have a serious talk about us! Thank you!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Well, at least you have an appropriate username. You ought to feel bad regarding your behaviour. You want to be set straight by objective people? Yes, what you did was wrong.

Oh, and: how gullible are you? His moves were right out of the junior players handbook on how to pick up married women. Stevie Wonder could see what he was up to.

Go no contact with this lout, and be 100% honest with your husband. None of this is said in anger, and am just being honest.

Good luck to you, and hoping your problems can be sorted out.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Well sh987 apparently I am very gullible from what you are saying. I honestly found the whole conversation funny and at no point in time did I say "yeah I want you" or "I want to do it" or even anything remotely sexual. It was mostly a one sided conversation on his end and I always said no when I came to him wanting to meet up or anything.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

OMG and that's just how easy it is these days. Being a husband and already gone through something like this with my wife I understand. She messaged an old friend she hadn't spoke to in many years and it ended up a few days later that he hit on her like this although my wife never responded back after it crossed the line. She didn't tell me about it last year until recently. It hurt me that she was the one that started the reconnect. She had no idea he would do that though but it just shows how easy it could be to do this behind the spouses back.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Feelingbad27 said:


> Well sh987 apparently I am very gullible from what you are saying. I honestly found the whole conversation funny and at no point in time did I say "yeah I want you" or "I want to do it" or even anything remotely sexual. It was mostly a one sided conversation on his end and I always said no when I came to him wanting to meet up or anything.


If it all was just jokes then you wouldn't be here. Innocent conversation doesn't emote guilty feelings, and there would be nothing to 'calm down and get set straight' from.

You feel bad because you crossed some lines. Don't dismiss it now people have called you out on it, own it and move forward by not engaging in such activity again.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> Well sh987 apparently I am very gullible from what you are saying. I honestly found the whole conversation funny and at no point in time did I say "yeah I want you" or "I want to do it" or even anything remotely sexual. It was mostly a one sided conversation on his end and I always said no when I came to him wanting to meet up or anything.


Bait: "I'm married, but my wife doesn't show me affection and doesn't understand that I have needs as a man."

Bait taken: "Yeah, I know what you mean. My husband doesn't pay attention to me, either."

A huge danger and primary way that people end up in affairs, is when they tell members of the opposite sex about the problems in their marriage. You weren't literally saying that you wanted it, but you told him that the door is open by exposing your husband's shortcoming as you perceive them.

I doubt he'll stop until he's received a hard shut down.

---

Maybe, it's just me. But as a man, I wouldn't find a single thing funny about

a] Some tool talking to my wife the way this guy did, and
b] My wife responding not by telling him to get bent and then blocking him, but instead talking sh!t about me.

Wouldn't find that funny at all.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

:iagree:


sh987 said:


> Bait: "I'm married, but my wife doesn't show me affection and doesn't understand that I have needs as a man."
> 
> Bait taken: "Yeah, I know what you mean. My husband doesn't pay attention to me, either."
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

I totally own it and take full responsibility for my side of the conversation! I honestly never said anything sexual towards him or said that I would meet or do anything with him. Did I tell him to stop saying those things to me? No I didn't. That's the part I feel guilty about. I didn't take part in the sexual conversation but I didn't tell him to stop either and that is bothering me.


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## cjl (Jan 24, 2014)

Feelingbad27 said:


> I totally own it and take full responsibility for my side of the conversation! I honestly never said anything sexual towards him or said that I would meet or do anything with him. Did I tell him to stop saying those things to me? No I didn't. That's the part I feel guilty about. I didn't take part in the sexual conversation but I didn't tell him to stop either and that is bothering me.


When you tell your husband about this it should be the wake up call needed. Sure he might be upset like I would be but there is a reason you didn't stop.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Feelingbad27 said:


> I totally own it and take full responsibility for my side of the conversation! I honestly never said anything sexual towards him or said that I would meet or do anything with him. Did I tell him to stop saying those things to me? No I didn't. That's the part I feel guilty about. I didn't take part in the sexual conversation but I didn't tell him to stop either and that is bothering me.


How have you approached your husband about his lack of affection and his drinking? Get back to the real issue here. Seeking outside attention for an inside problem is never helpful.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> How have you approached your husband about his lack of affection and his drinking? Get back to the real issue here. Seeking outside attention for an inside problem is never helpful.


Agreed.

I'm not in the habit of turning to talking heads on TV for all of my life lessons, but I agree completely with Dr. Phil when he says "You never fix the problems in a relationship by turning away from your spouse."

Spot on.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

I have only mentioned it to him one time which ended in a huge argument so I never brought it up again! He said that work stresses him out and that since it is physical labor all day he is tired and wore out and doesn't want to do anything when he gets home besides relax (which for him means he wants to drink and fall sleep on the couch). He works his butt off, yes, but I work a full time job too and take care of the kids and I get wore out but I still show him attention every chance I get.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Feelingbad27 said:


> I have only mentioned it to him one time which ended in a huge argument so I never brought it up again! He said that work stresses him out and that since it is physical labor all day he is tired and wore out and doesn't want to do anything when he gets home besides relax (which for him means he wants to drink and fall sleep on the couch). He works his butt off, yes, but I work a full time job too and take care of the kids and* I get wore out but I still show him attention every chance I get.*


I have a suggestion for you. Stop. Take care of yourself and the kids. Your relationship with your husband is supposed to be a reciprocating and equally giving one. Right now it is NOT and he is not willing to even talk about it without it becoming WW3. 

If you change your behavior, his will likely change. He'll notice what you do and not what you say. This will be VERY hard to do at first, and you'll be feeling like you're getting the short end of the stick. Don't allow those feelings to discourage you. Start doing things with the kids when he's lying on the sofa. Happily live YOUR life. When he decides to join you, don't discourage him, when he decides to have that talk with you, listen and don't react. 

You can only change yourself, and you won't get what you need from the internet. You have to take inventory of your life and marriage, and change the way you approach both. Your husband is NOT the source of your happiness, he should only ADD to it.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

That is actually some pretty amazing advice and you are so right! I certainly will take that to heart and work on it from that angle. Thank you so very much A Bit Much!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Please merge all your threads! It's confusing when you have 3 of them going on w/ the same topic.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

How do I do that?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Feelingbad27 said:


> That is actually some pretty amazing advice and you are so right! I certainly will take that to heart and work on it from that angle. Thank you so very much A Bit Much!


It is good advise, something you should have done before your betrayal. Whole different game now!!! 

If and when you confess....he's gonna hurt! You'll will need to be there for him, give him answers....not to 180 him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

Thanks Tobyboy.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

He tells you what he wants to do to you and you respond "OK, that sounds good and you don't think you were sexual. You sent him two pictures with what expectation as to their use? You bad mouth your husband and his desireability as a couch potato and your trying to minimize your behavior.

You need more than a conversation with your husband you need someone qualified professionally to set you straight

Seasalt


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

I am not trying to minimize anything. No I didn't say that sounds good, I know I put that in my original post but after looking back at the conversation I actually never even hinted at being ok with meeting him or anything. The conversation went way too far too fast and I own that. I didn't stop him from saying those things and I totally should have.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

It's called implied consent


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Feelingbad27 said:


> Last night I met this guy online through another social media site who works in the area and I have never met him but I have heard of him from friends.


This alone was crossing the line. If you marriage is that bad, get into counseling, or look into separating/divorcing.


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## Feelingbad27 (Mar 26, 2014)

3xnocharm it's not what you think when I say met online.... We met on a professional network and we are both in public safety in the same area so the conversation started in regards to work. I wasn't out looking at all.


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

Feelingbad -

Stop feeling so bad. Yes it was "wrong" to let it go where it did, but you acknowledge that and more importantly you did not let it get to a bad place and you DID recognize something must be wrong in your marriage. Because something IS wrong.

Obviously your husband is not meeting your needs. You do not feel special, appreciated, valued by him. You are VERY vulnerable, and while you consciously acknowledge and understand this, you will still be desperately fighting your feelings every time a guy gives you some flattering attention. 

You need to address this lack of meeting your needs with your husband. That's not even the hard part. The hard part is getting it through his head for him to take positive action. If you simply say "you're not meeting my needs", he will get defensive and likely throw the blame back on you, both of you getting nowhere. 

I don't see that anyone has mentioned the "His Needs, Her Needs" book but I'd recommend you start there. I'm not a huge fan of it since it is severely lacking in material, for men anyways, but it's still a great start to break the ice with your husband. It discusses how spouses (men and women) become vulnerable to affairs when they aren't meeting each others needs. Sound familiar? Obviously you don't preface it with "one of us will have an affair if we don't shape up" but instead with "I want us to both to be very happy and satisfied in our marriage - let's work on finding a way to do this for each other". 

It's not about blame, it's about recognizing a problem and working together to fix it, the ultimate goal being both of you getting exactly what you want and need out of your marriage. Help him to understand and see this too. Hopefully he will have the maturity to understand and begin taking responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am getting in on the end of this thread - and I honestly did not read everyone's response. So, if anything I say has been dealt with, I apologize. The fact that marriage is supposed to be mutually responsive is a fact and the book mentioned earlier _His Needs, Her Needs_ is a goop place to start. I would also recommend _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. Make no mistake, your marriage is in crisis when you can't even share from your heart without worring about a huge fight breaking out.

I know that it is easy to say that "this is a huge wake-up call" and count it as a one-time mistake, but I would caution you on taking the easy way out. I found that certain "secret" patterns in my own life only stop when they are exposed - either by confession or by discovery. If you do not talk to your husband about what happened, it will be very easy to repeat the indiscretion again when things are particularly low between the two of you.

Have you contacted a marriage counselor? What other proactive steps have you taken to turn your marriage around? Sometimes men only respond when a crisis is created. The Dobson book will help immensely to guide you on what to do and how to get it done.


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