# Gameplan



## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Many of you have probably read some of my story and know that my wife and I have been separated for over 2 weeks and she looks to be moving forward in terms of divorce.

I've been reading Love Must Be Tough by Dobson and I'm trying to implement his advice into our situation. However, I've always done some of this. No whining, begging, or clinging. I've given her space from the beginning. I'm confident, cheerful, and funny.

She just seems so comfortable around me. No signs of disharmony or discord. She texts me often and calls, sends me pictures of what the boys are doing when she has them, basically stays in fairly close contact....yet in her mind, she is already gone according to her. I've taken alot of comfort from reading Corpuswife's posts. Just do the best I can and not get too up when she shows positive signs....they might not mean what I think they mean.

Me, her, and the boys went out to eat to celebrate her birthday last night...her suggestion. She texted me this morning that her and the boys had stopped for breakfast at a WaffleKing...told me to stop by if I wanted to on my way to work...I said thanks, but I've gotta get to work. Small town, the waffleking is only a block away from my office, lol.

How do I implement LMBT in this situation? Tell her that I need space too? She initiates most of the contact. I want to be loving and stern....but I feel I need to do something else to get her out of her comfort zone. Really let her see what she is losing.

Any ideas?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

We can't follow all these threads... Keep it to one will make it easier.. You need to let us know WHY she wants out. There are MAJOR reasons trust me.. Issues she can't stand any more..


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

She just isn't in love with me anymore. She wants to feel special and has been fighting feelings of discontent within our marriage for years. We have been down this road before...she has sought counsel from a lawyer before....but not any further.

She hasn't always been faithful in the past...but isnt' seeing anyone now. She got close to a 'friend' several weeks ago but ended it before it went too far...however, she lied and deceived me about that until I uncovered the betrayal. Then she came clean and answered all of my questions. 

She really has tried to be a better housewife and with fewer distractions from friends this past year. I just think some of her efforts were misplaced....neither of us have understood the 'love languages' until this point. She just continuously has these feelings of discontent and unhappiness resurface and she is tired of pushing them down and hoping it will get better. We have never used marriage counseling, though both of us are scheduled for individual couseling next week with different therapist. She says she is not interested in couples therapy or reconciling at this point and is just going to work on personal issues.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

So what are you doing to make her feel special.. My guess is your time and efforts are into other things. She has to be NUMBER 1 in your life. This is so common but if you don't CHANGE for the better this will end.. I don't know you but I bet you pressed play adn expected your marriage to be fine. We all do it. Allow other things to get in the way. Until you make that true commitment to making her number 1 she will stray and try to leave. I don't blame her. She needs to feel love from the person she gave her life to. I don't think it's asking too much..


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks for the response. We both need to learn how to meet each other's needs. I am surely not an absent husband or father. True, I have put things on autopilot from time to time. But I've always been there and willing to improve and be a better husband...but communication is a two way street and if she doesn't tell me how she's feeling and suggest things for us to do, then...

Fact is, we have both been ignorant as to what it takes to maintain a thriving marriage. We have a lovely household and home with two vibrant boys and we stay busy doing family stuff. We just didn't put the time into working on the one-on-one stuff and then trouble creeps in. She's just the one who is usually the emotional barometer in our relationship...but chooses to swallow her pain instead of sharing with her husband.


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## waitingwife (Nov 4, 2009)

Why would you not meet her and the boys at WaffleKing? It was on the way to your office, and you still said no. You could have just stopped in for five minutes, had a glass of juice and hugs all around. I bet you if I asked her, she would say: Yep, he put work before our relationship again.

She is opening the door to you, INVITING you to woo her. Wake up, man - this is your chance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You can't just blame. You need to make the first step. Your expecting her to change also and She's looking for you to change. Facts are if want to save it you need to be the one that steps up first. Don't worry about her. That will be addressed eventually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

I think you're missing the point....I'm the one fighting for our relationship. She is ready to move on. I have been a doormat for her all of these years.

I can't always be the soft place for her to fall if she isn't respecting our marriage. See, the line has to be drawn somewhere and if I am like a puppy dog always at her call...no respect.

She has to know that there is something to lose and I have other options if she isn't willing to do what is necessary to save our marriage. 

She likes having me on a string....


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Does she like having sex with you? 
Do you like it with her?
Do you make the effort to connect a couple times a week when you are together - say over the last year?
Are you "too nice" because that is a love killer?

And by too nice I mean you avoid conflict with her when you should not. Do you tell her what YOUR NEEDS are? 

I agree with you - she wants you as her safety net. Thats it. So I think you could do a 180 here. Tell her that you want to date other people, that you are ok with the divorce and want to try to find someone who can love you back. 

And then start doing that, if she frantically chases you, then take that opportunity to find out why the heck she doesn't tell you when she is unhappy and what needs to happen for her to be happy with YOU. 

The most powerful emotion that she reads from you is likely fear. Fear of it ending. And that probably comes across as weak. And weak is the ultimate turnoff to a woman.










GreenandBlue said:


> I think you're missing the point....I'm the one fighting for our relationship. She is ready to move on. I have been a doormat for her all of these years.
> 
> I can't always be the soft place for her to fall if she isn't respecting our marriage. See, the line has to be drawn somewhere and if I am like a puppy dog always at her call...no respect.
> 
> ...


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Our sex life hasn't been all that it should be, but it hasn't been bad.

My eye opening came when reading about the 5 Love Languages. We have been off base in how we share and receive love. We both make efforts, but as I said earlier, they have been misplaced. 


And waitingwife, I've never put my work before my family or my wife. My whole life has been centered around them. I would have loved to eat breakfast with them this morning. But she needs to miss me. She needs to feel that if SHE doesn't change then I won't always be there with my arms open wide...fear of losing what we built over all these years.

We havne't always taken time 'just for us'. The daily grind, kids, all of their sports, our own hobbies....all things that can help you get lost if you don't actively feed the marriage. The family dynamic is one thing...the dynamic between a man and a woman is a separate entity that requires constant attention as well.

Thats where we've lost the connection. Is it too late? That's for her to answer.

My initial quetsion in this thread is "How do I apply Love Must Be Tough in this situation where she initiates daily contact (texts, emails, calls, asking for my help with haunted house, going out to eat)....all while she assures me that she is done and will be (or has) talked to a lawyer?" 

How do I keep my distance in a loving way that allows her to see that I can't be taken for granted....but if you will commit to reconcile, I am willing?


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## waitingwife (Nov 4, 2009)

I'm no expert... just a wife. I see your logic, but it sounds a little like manipulation (if I act like this, I might be able to make her do that...).

All I know is, a woman who wants you to meet her for breakfast after a family dinner night is at a minimum NOT seriously pursuing divorce and definitely desiring to spend time with you.

Again, just a female perspective. Best wishes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

I know, it's sucks to think that manipulation could be a part of this. But that's just semantics. Call it manipulation...call it mind games....call it the psychology of relationships. 

There is definitely that. Psychology plays a huge part in how we respond to these situations and how our partners react. We don't like to admit that, because it seems like just a dangerous game. 

My wife and I have always got along and bickering, bitterness, and anger are not a part of this situation. Read Corpuswife's incredible post on Going Through Separation/Divorce. That will help you to understand that an invitation to dinner or breakfast (with my kids involved, not just us) is taken with a grain of salt when she can look you in the eyes and say "in my mind I'm already gone...I wish I would have went through with this 4 years ago when I met with the lawyer before". 

True, my behavior plays a vital part in changing her mind. But pursuing her is NOT the answer....it will only push her further away.

But I'm grateful for all responses. This is a great place to hear a multitude of perspectives. THANKS!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

GreenandBlue, my perspective is a bit different than the others on here I think. I agree with your thoughts on the situation. From what you posted, I gather and it seems to me like she wants her cake and to eat it too. If she gets to be away from you (free - seperated), and she can have you at her beck and call whenever she needs help from you - for the kids, errands, meet to chat, whatever then there is no motive for her to change anything any time soon.

It also strikes me as odd that she invited you to join them for breakfast. Pardon my asking but are you sure there is no affair going on with her with someone else. I can't figure out why she would want to be away from you but yet contact you so much and ask you out to breakfast. :scratchhead:

So, IMO, you should employ LMBT but be respectful of how you do it. If seperated and a divorce is what she wants; she needs to experience the reality of it. And that reality is that you will not be there for her but only for the kids. So, let her start experiencing that now and let her deal with it. Maybe it will open her eyes to what it will be like being divorced. Maybe she will like it (doubt it), maybe she won't. Anyway, my take on this is for you not to be there at her beck and call.

With that said, I would have a serious sit down conversation with her; if you haven't done so already and be open about how you feel about this and give her a chance to talk to you about how serious she is about the divorce.


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## GreenandBlue (Oct 20, 2009)

Thanks, yes we've had the serious talks. It's not productive to keep rehashing it, but we have had 3 sit downs in the past 2.5 weeks. She knows how I feel...she knows that I'm a willing partner in reconciliation. I've also told her that I will not fight her if she wants a divorce....she has the right to choose that.

She is definitely leaning towards a divorce. That might change. How I handle this will play a part. That's why I've asked for advice.

I guess I just need to be frank with her: "Listen, I love you and wish that we had a chance to work this out. But I can't go on seeing you and being an active part of your life if this is your choice. I need to go on with my life and find what makes me happy. I will be cordial for the sake of the kids, but it ends there".

How's that?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

GB,
I love that posture. That is perfect. And I 100 PERCENT disagree that her requests for breakfast are about reconcilliation. 

I truly believe that her ideal outcome is:
- Permanent separation/divorce with generous and ongoing financial support from you
- You continue to see each other a LOT, and are BEST FRIENDS - oh - except you continue to be in love with her and ideally hop to it whenever she needs a favor in the hopes she will eventually see the light
- She quietly dates until she finds her dream guy - which may never happen - but she won't be sleeping with you - she will be trying to find mr prince charming

She knows you are open to reconcilliation. But given the history of her cheating, and her recent comments you need to start doing the things that are good for YOUR sanity at this point. The scenario above is perfect for her, but it will shorten your life. Not kidding about that - your kids will end up with a prematurely dead dad - if you follow that script. 

I think your message below is perfect. I would only add that if she challenges or questions it, that you should just end the conversation quickly and then DO IT. Meaning execute that in a polite friendly way - do the limited communication thing. Just what is needed to schedule the kids etc. You will not be able to form a real relationship with another woman until you disentangle yourself emotionally from your wife. And the only way to start that process is the limited communication approach. 




GreenandBlue said:


> Thanks, yes we've had the serious talks. It's not productive to keep rehashing it, but we have had 3 sit downs in the past 2.5 weeks. She knows how I feel...she knows that I'm a willing partner in reconciliation. I've also told her that I will not fight her if she wants a divorce....she has the right to choose that.
> 
> She is definitely leaning towards a divorce. That might change. How I handle this will play a part. That's why I've asked for advice.
> 
> ...


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

GreenandBlue said:


> We havne't always taken time 'just for us'. The daily grind, kids, all of their sports, our own hobbies....all things that can help you get lost if you don't actively feed the marriage. The family dynamic is one thing...the dynamic between a man and a woman is a separate entity that requires constant attention as well.
> 
> Thats where we've lost the connection. Is it too late? That's for her to answer.


Yes, you've summarized it in a nutshell. This is my opinion. But: The male/female, wife/husband, man/woman dynamic should come FIRST. Not second... FIRST in a marriage. THEN the family stuff. That is the exact problem I am facing in my marriage. And I'm a bit like your wife, on the verge of leaving out of unhappiness (although we have several more complicating factors). 

My husband is very very good with the family dynamic. So much to the point that the "couple dynamic" ... got ignored. Leaving me lonely but not realizing it until it might be too late.

I married my *husband*, not a "family." I didn't even get married because I wanted kids. When we got married, he was, at the time, my best friend, the one who shared the great majority of his life with me. Now things are different and we have drifted too far apart.

I think some people DO value the family dynamic first. If that's the case, then so should your wife. But if one considers the husband/wife relationship to be primary, whereas the other considers the family/children should be primary, then that's probably not going to bode well.


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