# Not on the same page as my girlfriend



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I've been in a relationship with a great gal for the past 2 1/2 yrs. We're very compatible, we have similar interests, the sex is great, we never have any real fights, we get along well and have a great time together. 

Here's the problem:

She wants more, I want the same, or even less. 

We see each other around 5 days and nights per week in general. She wants to live together so we can be together 7 days a week although she's ok with us having our own nights out with friends. 

If it was up to me, I'd get together 3-4 days/nights per week, like I've done with other girlfriends since my divorce, and maintain our separate residences indefinitely. I live in a condo that I purchased 6 years ago after my divorce, it's my "man-cave" and a source of security for me that I'm unable/unwilling to give up any time soon. When we're not together, I'm perfectly good with it, I enjoy the alone time, whereas she doesn't do well when we're not together and she calls me.. sometimes 3-4x on a night that we're not together. I'll stay on the phone with her because I know she's hurting but it's just not my thing.

She lives in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood, and she'd really like me to move in with her but I'm just not ready to take that step and I'm not sure that I'm ever going to be ready. 

She'd get married if I asked her but I have no intention of ever getting married again and I did say that from day one, although I did indicate that I was looking for a long term exclusive relationship and while that's what we have, she feels that I've sort of short changed her because I'm not willing to give her the commitment that comes with cohabitating. 

She's also got an 11 year old son, he's a great kid and we get along well but that's another dynamic that comes into play when we talk about possibly moving in together. I'm just not looking to do the whole family thing again, my 2 daughters are grown; whereas she's almost desperate to rebuild the family she lost in her divorce.

She also correctly points out that I'm a moody sort of guy and I'll occasionally withdraw to some extent and not be there for her emotionally, sometimes for weeks at a time. I mean, I'm there, just withdrawn to some extent. I've always been this way, I jokingly tell her that I'm bipolar (she insists I'm not) but whatever, I do have my ups and downs and when I'm down she takes it personally and it makes her feel very insecure.

Yesterday she was in tears and told me that it's very difficult for her to be in a relationship like this with no promises for the future and me sometimes not being there for her. She said she thinks I view her more as an activity partner and for good sex rather than as a committed lifelong partner. 

Part of me wants her to just break up with me but I don't think that's going to happen, so she's hurting and I'm feeling pressured and I feel badly that I'm not able to give her what she wants.

Don't see any way to fix this. Maybe someone else does?


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Quit wasting her time. Let her go.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I think you are in different places and she wants more than you can give. So be a good guy and end it if you aren't feeling it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, dude. I don't see this ending happily. Just ending. You can either stick to your guns about what you want in the relationship and let her decide if that's enough for her (letting her walk when she's had enough), or you can end it yourself if it's not making you happy anymore. 

Are you comfortable that you're in a mentally/emotionally happy place? I think you'll find a lot of prospective partners will be like your current GF. But maybe she's just "not the one" that makes you want to jump in feet first into a fully committed relationship...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

End it. You want different things. Neither of you are wrong....just at different places in life.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

It sounds like you are being honest with her but she loves you, so she just keeps hoping you will change your mind. There's certainly nothing wrong with either of your wants or needs, it's the difference that makes you not a suitable couple.

You see the pain you are causing her, you need to man up and do what's best for her and her kid. And I would vote on not continuing any kind of friendship with her, she needs you out of her life so she can forget and move on.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Cooper said:


> It sounds like you are being honest with her but she loves you, so she just keeps hoping you will change your mind.


Who's to say I won't change my mind in another year.. or two..?

When I met my exwife we were living together within 6 months and married within 3 years. 

Maybe I'm just a bit gun shy?

My thought was to put it out there as directly as possible. This is where my head is it, it may never change, and either we've got this more casual relationship or we don't have anything, her choice.

She's 7 years younger than me for whatever that's worth.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

So you will keep stringing her along, while she is miserable? And you get what you need out of the realtionship, but she doesn't? How greedy.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So - are you willing to change anything about the way you're doing things knowing that if you don't change, she may choose to leave? If you're not willing to change anything (and I'm not saying you should have to) then I think you need to tell her in no uncertain terms and let her choose. And then use this information the next time around. Let the next woman know that you are interested in an LTR but not cohabitation. 

Two things - she sounds insecure in general. Calling you 3 or 4 times a night when you're not together - not good. She should have other emotional outlets like girlfriends. But I'm sure your tendency to withdraw doesn't help her general feeling of insecurity. Vicious cycle. 

On that note - I don't know a lot of women that will be okay with a guy that emotionally withdraws for weeks at a time. So, if you are hoping for an LTR, then this may be something you have to examine about yourself in general.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GA HEART said:


> So you will keep stringing her along, while she is miserable? And you get what you need out of the realtionship, but she doesn't? How greedy.


I personally don't get the sense he's stringing her along. He's told her what he wants. It sounds like he's been clear. She's just hoping he'll change his mind. And maybe he will, in time...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> So - are you willing to change anything about the way you're doing things knowing that if you don't change, she may choose to leave?


What can I change? I am who I am.. and I'm not going to move out of my condo any time soon.



firebelly1 said:


> then I think you need to tell her in no uncertain terms and let her choose.


That's pretty much the plan going forward.



firebelly1 said:


> And then use this information the next time around. Let the next woman know that you are interested in an LTR but not cohabitation.


I'm interested in cohabitation. If she didn't have a child and wanted to move in with me I'd be good with it even if it meant giving up some alone time. But moving in with her (and her son) would mean both of us selling our homes and buying something together. 



firebelly1 said:


> Two things - she sounds insecure in general. Calling you 3 or 4 times a night when you're not together - not good. She should have other emotional outlets like girlfriends. But I'm sure your tendency to withdraw doesn't help her general feeling of insecurity. Vicious cycle.


True. Although she does have girlfriends she hangs out with. 



firebelly1 said:


> On that note - I don't know a lot of women that will be okay with a guy that emotionally withdraws for weeks at a time. So, if you are hoping for an LTR, then this may be something you have to examine about yourself in general.


Yeah I got problems, I know this. I've been in therapy, will be in therapy again, not something that's going to be so easily fixed after 50+ years..



PBear said:


> Sorry, dude. I don't see this ending happily. Just ending. You can either stick to your guns about what you want in the relationship and let her decide if that's enough for her (letting her walk when she's had enough), or you can end it yourself if it's not making you happy anymore.


That's probably going to be how it goes down. One way or the other. 

Do things ever end happily?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

lenzi said:


> What can I change? I am who I am..
> 
> I'm interested in cohabitation. If she didn't have a child and wanted to move in with me I'd be good with it even if it meant giving up some alone time. But moving in with her (and her son) would mean both of us selling our homes and buying something together.


I think there are ways you can change your habit of being withdrawn or help a partner adapt to it. You can change anything if you want to - it's just if you want to. 

Have you told her your caveats about cohabitation? From your original post I was getting the feeling that you liked having separate places and that's what you don't want to give up. So maybe she isn't really clear on what you want yet either. Were I her, hearing you hem and haw would make me wonder if you really cared about me but hearing that you ARE actually interested in cohabitation with me but other specific things are of concern - not so hurtful and more hopeful.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Be kind and make a surgical cut. It will hurt her but it will be the best thing that happens to you both. Neither of you will have problems finding more compatible partners and I think you will both be happy. It's common for one person to love more and they often cannot hear the truth. You are in a better position to end this than she is so do it. She has been loyal and loving to you so be good to her and end it decisively. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> So you will keep stringing her along, while she is miserable? And you get what you need out of the realtionship, but she doesn't? How greedy.


Good lord reading comprehension is hard to find on this site. He told her up from he didn't want to marry. Nothing in his posts point to him purposely stringing anyone along.


OP would you be willing to try a temporary living arrangement? Maybe a month or two, maintain your residence incase it doesn't work out? 

I now live with a woman who in my house, I was scared to take this step most because of the unknowns of how this would work out. Now that she is here everything I worried about never came to pass. Would you be willing to give that a shot?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants more (and is insecure and needy and wants constant companionship). You want less (and are moody and withdrawn for long periods and like solitude). Equally important, you don't want to step-parent her son. 

I don't see a happy ending. Tell her it's not going to work and don't back pedal when she tries to convince you that it will. Then find someone who isn't so needy. They're out there.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Wolf I think that is a bad idea in this case. She has a child and moving him around for a short time would make his life unstable. OP sounds pretty resolute so it would be better not to do a test run then asking her and her son to move out. She may do it even though it is a bad idea and you could say she knows what is at stake. Sometimes doing the decent thing is to protect a person from themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> I think there are ways you can change your habit of being withdrawn or help a partner adapt to it. You can change anything if you want to - it's just if you want to.


Is that true? Can you change anything about yourself if you want to? I really want to lose the moodiness but it doesn't seem to happen, and I don't even realize when I've been pulling back from her, even when she points it out. 



firebelly1 said:


> Were I her, hearing you hem and haw would make me wonder if you really cared about me but hearing that you ARE actually interested in cohabitation with me but other specific things are of concern - not so hurtful and more hopeful.


Yes, we've had these discussions, and she's ok with it, until she starts feeling like we're living separate lives and she goes to pieces. 



Catherine602 said:


> Wolf I think that is a bad idea in this case. She has a child and moving him around for a short time would make his life unstable


We talked about doing that over this past summer, but she didn't want to disrupt his routine and pull him away from his friends and stick him in my small condo for the summer wasn't a favorable option.



Wolf1974 said:


> OP would you be willing to try a temporary living arrangement? Maybe a month or two, maintain your residence incase it doesn't work out?


I moved in with her for about 3 weeks last year. Didn't feel all that comfortable, felt rather displaced- and my work commute went from 5 minutes to 35 minutes. So I bailed and moved back home. She wasn't happy about it at all.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Good lord reading comprehension is hard to find on this site. He told her up from he didn't want to marry. Nothing in his posts point to him purposely stringing anyone along.


I can read and understand just fine. 

Unless and until he puts a solid "I do not want to marry you, nor live together and do not plan on changing my mind" he is stringing her along. There surely is SOME kind of bone he is throwing her and likely it is the "I might change my mind one day" line. Classic stringing her along, probably not intentional, but there none the less. 

OP, be the "bad guy" and break it off with her. In reality you are being the good guy, but of course she and all her girlfriends (co-workers, family, etc.) won't see it that way. Probably most of her insecurities are stemming from your aloofness and she will be happier in a relationship where she is adored. You two are not as compatible as you think you are. Let her go.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> I can read and understand just fine.
> 
> Unless and until he puts a solid "I do not want to marry you, nor live together and do not plan on changing my mind" he is stringing her along.


How do you know I don't plan on changing my mind? I don't even know myself. As I've told her, it's been 2 1/2 years, maybe I'll feel differently in a year, or three, or whatever. Is it all that uncommon for people to date for several years before moving in together?



GA HEART said:


> Probably most of her insecurities are stemming from your aloofness


I don't know about "most". I'll give you "some". I've had this issue in other relationships too. I guess that's no surprise.



GA HEART said:


> and she will be happier in a relationship where she is adored. You two are not as compatible as you think you are. Let her go.


Probably true.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Wolf I think that is a bad idea in this case. She has a child and moving him around for a short time would make his life unstable. OP sounds pretty resolute so it would be better not to do a test run then asking her and her son to move out. She may do it even though it is a bad idea and you could say she knows what is at stake. Sometimes doing the decent thing is to protect a person from themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't say they should move ......I think he should but maintain his residence just in case it doesn't work out. That would be minimal impact to the child


The way I see it this is going to be a relationship ender. Were it me I would give it a trial run to see if it works. If it doesn't then fine but I would rather do that than wonder years from now if I made a mistake by giving something a go because I was unsure.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Is that true? Can you change anything about yourself if you want to? I really want to lose the moodiness but it doesn't seem to happen, and I don't even realize when I've been pulling back from her, even when she points it out.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*
*


Ok well if you gave it a go and it's not working for you then it's time to tell her this is as far as you can take this relationship and she has to make a decision from there


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lenzi said:


> *How do you know I don't plan on changing my mind? I don't even know myself. As I've told her, it's been 2 1/2 years, maybe I'll feel differently in a year, or three, or whatever. Is it all that uncommon for people to date for several years before moving in together?*
> 
> 
> 
> ...



After 2.5 years and you tried living together and still aren't on the same page I think that's your answer. I don't know that it's uncommon to date for that long without living together but I do think it's uncommon to date that long and still not even have some sense of when living together or the next step might take place. Sounds like overall she wants something you're not ready for


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

lenzi said:


> How do you know I don't plan on changing my mind? I don't even know myself. As I've told her, it's been 2 1/2 years, maybe I'll feel differently in a year, or three, or whatever. Is it all that uncommon for people to date for several years before moving in together?.


But you know she wants to NOW. And with your abstract thinking, you may conclude in two years from now that you'd NEVER want that type of relationship.

It isn't fair...


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

It sounds like you both want different things. She wants more of a commitment & you want the status quo. Unfortunately, I don't think she will change her mind on what she wants. You have been upfront with her & she is having a hard time accepting it. 

I do think that you need to be honest with her & tell her one of the biggest reasons why you don't want to co-habit is because of her young son. Even you said that. 

I say that the kindest thing you can do for her is let her go. Let her find someone that doesn't mind an instant family.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Is that true? Can you change anything about yourself if you want to? I really want to lose the moodiness but it doesn't seem to happen, and I don't even realize when I've been pulling back from her, even when she points it out.
> 
> I moved in with her for about 3 weeks last year. Didn't feel all that comfortable, felt rather displaced- and my work commute went from 5 minutes to 35 minutes. So I bailed and moved back home. She wasn't happy about it at all.


I think you can change things, including moodiness - both the emotion and the behavior that goes with it. Start with the behavior. What do you do that is off-putting to others when you are "in a mood"? Do you call or text less often? Do you spend more time on the computer? Figure out the behavior you exhibit and you can counter-act it with other behavior. 

The fact that you have already moved in and then moved out again - probably just made your foundation shakier. 

The dynamic between you two sounds like something my ex and I were doing and the MC pointed out - we had a "pursuer / distancer relationship":

Pursuit and Distancing: Intimacy vs. Needing Space | So what I really meant...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she will never be happy you told her at the beginning that you didn't want to ever get married. she was cool with it.NOW she comes to you and say she needs a promise of a future together (marriage) 

you tried living together and you didn't care for it.

I would hit the road running.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think you have to do some soul searching & ask yourself if she is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

If the answer is yes, you may have to compromise & work towards living together.

If the answer is no, let her go.

My ex-husband also says he will never marry again. After our divorce, he started dating looking for an LTR. His first two LTR's wanted to live together (maybe marry); he did not & had to let them go. He now is happily in an LTR where they both are thus far content living apart.

On the flip side, my current husband & I live together but we BOTH need our alone time so it works out. Also, both of our children are grown. We both do not want to raise children again.

I don't see you & your g/f as being on the same page at this stage in your respective lives.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

JustTired said:


> I do think that you need to be honest with her & tell her one of the biggest reasons why you don't want to co-habit is because of her young son. Even you said that.


I have told her that. 



JustTired said:


> I say that the kindest thing you can do for her is let her go. Let her find someone that doesn't mind an instant family.





Wolf1974 said:


> Ok well if you gave it a go and it's not working for you then it's time to tell her this is as far as you can take this relationship and she has to make a decision from there


That's what I told her.

She said she understands and she's fully capable of making her own decision and if I want to break up for my own reasons that's fine but don't do it because I feel bad for hurting her. If she decides the relationship isn't working for her then she'll end it on her own terms.



firebelly1 said:


> I think you can change things, including moodiness - both the emotion and the behavior that goes with it. Start with the behavior. What do you do that is off-putting to others when you are "in a mood"? Do you call or text less often? Do you spend more time on the computer?


What I do, is that I withdraw, spend more time on my own, and yes more time on the computer. As far as calling or texting less often.. she's always the one reaching out to me, and I always return her calls or texts.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lenzi said:


> I have told her that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Then it's fine as it is. She will make her plans to press on when she is ready.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You want your cake and eat it too.

You are truthful only to a certain point. You told her you don't want to get married but giving her all the signs that you "could" be persuaded to change your mind.

Meanwhile, she's doing all the work and chasing and you give her scraps.

Look, step up to the plate. Take a stand. You know what she wants. If you don't want it, throw her back into the sea. If you want her as a wife, you gotta get over playing silly withdrawal games.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many of us who have gone through divorce don't want another marriage. Or even to live with someone else. So if you have explained all of that to her, and she understands you really mean it, then presumably she will decide at some point she wants to move on. It might help her make the decision if you aren't available for all those calls and texts when you are apart.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Revamped said:


> You are truthful only to a certain point. You told her you don't want to get married but giving her all the signs that you "could" be persuaded to change your mind.


No, I never want to get married again and I've maintained that from day one. 



Revamped said:


> Meanwhile, she's doing all the work and chasing and you give her scraps.


We're together most days of the week, we spend a lot of time together and do all sorts of things together. She gets a lot more than scraps. 



Revamped said:


> Look, step up to the plate. Take a stand. You know what she wants. If you don't want it, throw her back into the sea. If you want her as a wife, you gotta get over playing silly withdrawal games.


Never said I don't want her, and I never said I want her as a wife. I don't see the withdrawal as a game. I don't even realize I'm doing it until she points it out and then I try to turn it around. The withdrawal is due to deeper issues- mild depression, stress, that sort of thing.



Openminded said:


> It might help her make the decision if you aren't available for all those calls and texts when you are apart.


I wouldn't intentionally ignore her, that's just a manipulative game.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> The dynamic between you two sounds like something my ex and I were doing and the MC pointed out - we had a "pursuer / distancer relationship":
> 
> Pursuit and Distancing: Intimacy vs. Needing Space | So what I really meant...


This is spot on.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's so hard when two people are in love, but one is in deeper than the other.

I know I could be wrong here, but you sound like a man who is in love and doesn't really want to follow the advice here to cut the cord. At the same time, she is even more in love with you and has a hard time being away from you.

I think you could very possibly change your mind in a few years time. If that happens, her son will be less of a consideration, since by that time your feelings and habits will be more cemented and reliable.

This will probably be considered bad advice, but I would probably just let this play out and see where it leads. She's a big girl. If she is hurt by the mismatch in expectations and feelings, she can make her own decision to change the situation. You've been honest with her. I think she knows that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I wouldn't intentionally ignore her, that's just a manipulative game.


Right now you enable her neediness by your constant availability when, maybe, you prefer not as much contact as she does. Withdrawing some of that contact is not something I see as manipulation. That's not the same as totally ignoring her when you aren't with her. It just means not devoting hours and hours of phone or text time when you aren't with her if that's not what you want. 

She needs to make a decision based on reality.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Part of me wants her to just break up with me but I don't think that's going to happen, so she's hurting and I'm feeling pressured and I feel badly that I'm not able to give her what she wants.


It's time to put on your big boy pants and tell her you will NEVER marry her. You give her enough clues just to hang on maybe, if she waits long enough, but not enough to seal the fate of this relationship.

This ISN'T fair to her. 

You're playing a very manipulative game, hanging it over her head so she continues to hang on.

YOU end this. Not wait so long and frustrates her that she loses faith in all men to say exactly where/what they want to be.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

^^^^^^ x2 (what I've been trying to say!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Revamped said:


> YOU end this. Not wait so long and frustrates her *that she loses faith in all men to say exactly where/what they want to be.*


This is the saddest thing I see in ALL of these scenarios.. when we leave another hanging .... when we KNOW we don't want the same things..it's not going to happen .. yet we conceal this truth.....we keep dangling that damn carrot offering just as much hope to keep them ~ (at least we are getting sex - the man might say!).... Just not OK...

Time wasted with this one, that one, hopes dashed again... and again. and again...all this does is = more people who struggle excruciatingly with Trust..is anyone honest anymore ??! .....eventually some loose all faith in the opposite sex, it's just easier that way....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Revamped said:


> It's time to put on your big boy pants and tell her you will NEVER marry her.


I've already told her I'm never getting married again, I said that from day one and I've maintained it. 

That's not what this is about.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

He says he has told her. The only other thing he could do is break up with her. I think she's convinced she can change his mind.

There's nothing wrong with him not wanting to get married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Does your GF want a father figure for her son? He will be going through puberty soon, and perhaps she wants help guiding him through these difficult years. If your GF has quality time as an emotional need, then she will not be happy with part-time arrangements with a partner.

Is that what you want? If not, I would continue to make it clear that you do not want to move in with her. Does your need for separate time alone trump your desire to be with her? 

She needs to figure out what her deal-breakers are. How important is it to her to have a man available all of the time, not just a BF who shares her life on a part-time basis. One of our neighbors has an arrangement like that with his GF, but his son is grown, and his GF never had children, nor does she want them.

I think you both would be happier with someone else, someone who shares your desires for living arrangements.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

lenzi said:


> I've already told her I'm never getting married again, I said that from day one and I've maintained it.
> 
> That's not what this is about.


What are you asking really? In aggregate, the advice has been very good and balanced. You should let her go. 

Are you wrestling with the sense that you may be overwhelmed by guilt when the relationship demands become more than it's worth to you and you walk away? Right now the sex is good enough to keep her around and it may take what, 2 or 3 yrs to tip the balance into negative territory? By two years time, you know she is not someone that you connect enough with to make a commitment. She pushes some of the right buttons but not enough. If you met a woman tomorrow who set you on fire, you would turn over the earth to get and keep her.

This woman is not that one for you. She does not know what is in your heart, she thinks that if she gives more she will be what you want. She does not know that there is nothing she can do to be the complete package for you. You know it, right?. Look, you cannot abdicate your responsibility to protect her from herself. Are you looking for affirmation that you have no responsibility for shielding her from the pain you know she will eventually endure? After all you told her she is going to be hurt and she even gave you permission to hurt her and not worry. 

No one can tell you how much and for how long you may be inconvenienced by feelings of guilt and and even self-loathing. It depends on the story you can tell yourself to justify your actions. Let her go. The only insurance you have against guilt is to tell her that you are ending things now instead of keeping her hanging on because you know that you cannot let her act against her own interest. Reassure her that you want her to be happy and you are sure that she will meet a man who will make her happy but it's not you. 

She will hurt but she will be able to get out of a nonproductive and eventually damaging situation for her and her son. Better now than after another 5 yrs. By that time she may realize that she was used and will feel worthless as a result. Let her go ..... please.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I've already told her I'm never getting married again, I said that from day one and I've maintained it.
> 
> That's not what this is about.


Yes it is exactly what this is about.

Besides what Catherine says, my opinion is that you have made a rigid construction, save guarding your own independence.

She on an emotional level has become attached to you, and started to hope you would have changed your mind by now. You think that stating something clearly enough has solved the issue. She is living on an other planet as concerns to rationality, you too, but you don't know it yet.

You will later, if you will be lonely when you get old, wondering what happened, bitter and resentful about life.

....

The advise: You have to learn to connect with life on another level. Learn to feel, learn to connect, learn to accept good and bad in life. Do not hide.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

No one is saying you are an awful person for not wanting to get married. I don't want to get married yet to my current BF (although we do live together.) 

I had a friend several years ago. Super sweet and funny guy, adored me. We dated a little. I told him from the get go I didn't want a relationship, didn't want ANYthing other than friendship. We did end up being intimate a couple times. It just made things worse for him. I cut out the physical part. He became more clingy. He desperately wanted a relationship. I didn't, told myself I didn't want one with anyone, but I was deluding myself. I DID want companionship, but just didn't want him. By the time I realized I was emotionally using him, I broke off the friendship. I didn't mean to hurt him. I genuinely wanted to keep him as a friend. But I knew I couldn't for his sake.

Not the same scenario, but I've kinda been in your shoes. My advice is still the same. Let her go.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

You may have told her early on you don't want to get married, and maybe she accepted that early on, but it seems like she either didn't really accept it, or was hoping you'd change your mind (And some of your posts indicate you are thinking you might, eventually). 

I had a friend who wanted kids, her boyfriend never wanted kids and told her from day 1. She 'accepted' it and was going to get married .. and then broke off the marriage one month before the wedding. There were a lot of complex reasons on why they didn't get married (thankfully) but I think she never could accept that. 

So if you're not ready to break it off on your side yet (because you are happy with status quo) maybe a gentle reminder that you don't expect things to change, and to tell her its OK if at this point in her life she needs more for HER to end it? I'm having some difficulties with my GF where I'm not sure if she's into me as much as I'm into her. I don't want her to stick with me just because of me, so I remind her that if she's not feeling it, she's not feeling it and it could mean we're just not right for each other. 

So while I stick by my original recommendation of just ending it, at the very least I recommend a refresher on your parameters and trying to make her understand that YOU will respect if she wants more than you can give, and because of that, you 'mutually' end it. If you don't want to break it off with her.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Lenzi, your conscience comes through loud and clear. If you were a selfish person, you would have just thrown her away when she didnt do exactly what you wanted.

You dont want to hurt her, but you are aware of an incongruency between what she wants and what you want. You feel a need to do something but dread hurting someone you care about. You have empathy.

My advice: sit her down with you and show her this thread. Let her read it all while you sit there. When she gets to this post, she'll realize I suggested it. Let her decide. Either she needs to back off and give you more space- and ultimately realize you might not want the relationship she wants- or you guys need to break it off.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Im an introverted person, so i understand the need for your own space and time away from people.

The multiple calls on my nights alone would drive me nuts as you sound like you are the type of person who needs to "recharge".

I really think you need to re-emphasize to her what your needs are and go from there. 

I never really understood the whole "your only using me for sex" line when the other person doesnt get their way. I have heard it a few times myself.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Janky said:


> Im an introverted person, so i understand the need for your own space and time away from people.
> 
> The multiple calls on my nights alone would drive me nuts as you sound like you are the type of person who needs to "recharge".
> 
> ...


Of course you can. If he was not getting sex from her, do you really think he would still be with her? She more than adequately fulfills his sexual needs but probably not much else. She is convenient and willing. He knows that she hopes that sex will make him love her. He could tell her that sex with her is not associated with an emotional connection or love. But is he were that honest, it would spoil a good thing for him. 

That's called using her for sex. Its a subtle deception based on the knowledge that this woman's self-delusion favors him getting something for no emotional outlay. He is hurting himself too. He will one day meet a woman and fall in love. She will be what he knows best, a user. Lenzi has not taken this lull in his love life to learn balance, honesty and self-revelation so that he recognizes it in another. The reason for his failed relationship is still lurking. 

This time would be better spent on developing higher level qualities instead of taking the easy way out with this misguided woman. He needs to work on his picker to avoid a repeat of history. That's another reason why he should let her go. It's hurting him too.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> That's called using her for sex. Its a subtle deception based on the knowledge that this woman's self-delusion favors him getting something for no emotional outlay. He is hurting himself too. He will one day meet a woman and fall in love. She will be what he knows best, a user. Lenzi has not taken this lull in his love life to learn balance, honesty and self-revelation so that he recognizes it in another. The reason for his failed relationship is still lurking.
> 
> This time would be better spent on developing those qualities instead of taking the easy way out with this misguided woman. He needs to work on his picker to avoid a repeat of history. That's another reason why he should let her go. It's hurting him too.


Interesting.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> _ Lenzi has not taken this lull in his love life to learn balance, honesty and self-revelation so that he recognizes it in another. _The reason for his failed relationship is still lurking.
> 
> This time would be better spent on developing higher level qualities instead of taking the easy way out with this misguided woman. He needs to work on his picker to avoid a repeat of history. That's another reason why he should let her go. It's hurting him too.


Makes me think of the idea that you can only see things, if you already know them. If you don't know about this, you can't see it. You may have given him the clue of his life.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Of course you can. If he was not getting sex from her, do you really think he would still be with her? She more than adequately fulfills his sexual needs but probably not much else. She is convenient and willing. He knows that she hopes that sex will make him love her. He could tell her that sex with her is not associated with an emotional connection or love. But is he were that honest, it would spoil a good thing for him.
> 
> That's called using her for sex. Its a subtle deception based on the knowledge that this woman's self-delusion favors him getting something for no emotional outlay. He is hurting himself too. He will one day meet a woman and fall in love. She will be what he knows best, a user. Lenzi has not taken this lull in his love life to learn balance, honesty and self-revelation so that he recognizes it in another. The reason for his failed relationship is still lurking.
> 
> This time would be better spent on developing higher level qualities instead of taking the easy way out with this misguided woman. He needs to work on his picker to avoid a repeat of history. That's another reason why he should let her go. It's hurting him too.


YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes. This. x1,000. :iagree:


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