# Midlife crisis? or am i in a bad marriage?



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

Please help. I'm 41, been married 4yrs and have been at rock bottom for the last 12 months. Truthfully, my life has been a wreck for the last 4yrs.

Am I going through a midlife crisis, or is my life rotten because of the choice I made (when I married my husband)? Prior to meeting him, I had a good job, had a second job that allowed me to travel frequently. I had friends, I had a life. When we got married, we moved to another state where his family was. Job market was at 27% unemployment. We were so broke that we had to scrounge up change to buy bread & milk. I found a very good paying job after 7mths of searching(&taking odd jobs for cash in between). Then....we moved again because he didn't like the job we moved there for. Same scenario...took me 7 mths to find a good paying job. Did it for 7 mths and we moved again for the same reason. He works in the Ag industry & I work in the business management industry. It is extremely hard to find a job in my line of work when he moves us to places that are 60+ miles from the nearest major city.

So, over the course of our 4yr marriage, we have been homeless, have had a few weeks where we couldn't afford food, have been in debt, have filed bankruptcy, have lost any friends we've made because we move so far away from them.

I have sold anything I owned that could bring in cash so that we could survive, my car is now to the point of not being repairable. 

I thought that because he was a good person, that Love could surpass all of this. BUT, he is so negative, so angry all the time. It makes me jumpy and just plain unhappy. I thought his attitude was justifiable due to our constant money issues. But....I'm really beginning to wonder. I wasn't this unhappy when I was alone. And when I met him, he constantly had bill collectors calling him.

I don't know what to do. I've reached my breaking point. I have started taking anti-depressents and even that is not helping me. I have no friends since we move so much, no family nearby. My life consists of work ( I work from home since we live out in the middle of nowhere). I'm 41, and have been struggling to just survive with food and shelter for 4yrs. I'm exhausted & miserable.

I feel like a loser. I used to be so much more. I used to be very successful in business, had friends, had places to go, things to do and had fun. I have not had an ounce of fun in years.

I gave up all material possessions so that we could survive and thought those things didn't matter as long as i had my "soul mate". However, I have now realized that it has been taken to an extreme to where I now fight from day to day to just meet basic life needs of food, shelter, etc. My life has been stripped down to nothing to the point that there is no more happiness in it. What is most important in life, at the end of the day? I mean, what are we all really working for, if it is not important things like relationships, family & friends. I only have my husband and he is nothing but a bad attitude non stop. He never, ever quits complaining since I met him.

I don't know. Do I leave him and start all over again on my own? or is it possible to stay with someone yet pick up your own life and redo it as if the other person isn't around? I cannot continue to follow him, I realize he will never be happy anywhere, with anything. So do I leave him? 

Help. Does this sound like I'm just going through a midlife crisis, or is this a marriage issue? I called a counselor to talk to someone, but they are booked 6mths out. So, I really need some insight here.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Tuf,

I believe you can stay with him but it has to be on your terms at this point. You have tried it his way and it has been a disaster. You clearly have the earning power in this relationship so you have to follow your work. He may need to find another career in the city you end up in. 

There was a time in our marriage that if I would have insisted on leading the family where my career followed then we would have been in the same boat you have been but common sense ruled the day. It was not always easy for me (from a provider standpoint) but I held us together and after much searching I have found a new career and I just got my first promotion after 18 mos. 

I would say if he is unwilling to bend you have to save yourself.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You are in a bad marriage. Just leave him.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Tuf, it does not sound like a MLC, but the stress can bring on perimenopause. If you start going through that on top of the stress you are already under, you will be a real mess.

The question is, do you still love him? If you do, is he willing to stay put at a job with no more moving? Can he have a more positive outlook on life?

As for starting over. You are starting over with him every time you turn around. What would be the difference between starting over by yourself or starting over with him again? If you started over by yourself would you go back home? Would you be able to get a job and keep it? Could you see yourself financially stable in 5 years from now? Do you have friends? If you stay with your H, do you see the same future with him in 5 years?

So what do YOU want? You are still young enough to get a good foundation under you, get a good retirement going, get a house, etc. In 5 years, where do you want to be?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Tufluv said:


> I thought that because he was a good person, that Love could surpass all of this. *BUT, he is so negative, so angry all the time. It makes me jumpy and just plain unhappy. I thought his attitude was justifiable due to our constant money issues. But....I'm really beginning to wonder. I wasn't this unhappy when I was alone. And when I met him, he constantly had bill collectors calling him.*


This ^^^right there is why you need to seriously reconsider this relationship you're in.
What has he done_ for you_ lately?

Why is it that based on your account, you seem to be handling all the stresses of life , job etc , and still still taking grief from him?

During rough sailings , sometimes we just need to get rid of excessive baggage or " dead weight."

It's time you have a serious talk with him.
If he doesn't respond positively, you might just be better off alone.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> In 5 years, where do you want to be?


In 5 years, where are you going to be ?


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to respond. You have all offered some very sound advice. It has helped to guide me towards a solution. Please let me know if you think it sounds realistic. It's based on your previous input.

I am thinking that my only option for security and stability is for me to quit following my husband to where he wants to go. I think I have come up with a doable plan.Please tell me if this plan sounds reasonable or if it is too risky. 

Since I have been watching the job openings in our area for the last year, and all of them are Ag related or short term positions, I am considering submitting my resume for openings in the Minneapolis, MN area. (we live in a different state in a very uninhabited area where jobs are scarce-I'm talking real Amish, horse & buggy area.That's where he has moved us the last 2 moves. Not joking ). I have researched the MN area & it appears to offer a more stable economy, low crime(if we live on the outskirts of the city) & outdoor recreation. Then....when I get called for an interview, I tell my husband that I am going to the interview & if I get it, then we will have to move. At this point, in order to move, I will have to ask him to sell some of his things to pay for the move & rent, security deposit, etc. I feel this is a reasonable request since we sold all of my things & took a title loan out on my car for the last 3 moves. Is it ok to ask that of him? Not sure on that but I cannot figure any other way to financially do it. 

Then, he will just have to stay home or drive me to work for the first couple of months until we can get my car fixed or replace it. This way, I am bringing in the money and am no longer at his whim of living miles from civilization which is what cut me off from the job market the last 3 moves. Then, he can be the one to deal with having to find a job, etc. but at least we could survive better.

Does this sound like a sound plan? I feel like it is a huge risk due to lack of funds. Plus, we can barely pay our current $400/mth rent so moving would mean at least doubling that expense. BUT staying, leaves us without jobs. (oh, he just informed me that he is quiting his current job(3rd one in 3mths)- they had him drive for 24hrs straight without rest. I can't say I blame him. Not only is it illegal for a truck driver to do that but it's dangerous). Anyway, is my plan realistic? Is it too risky? Is there a risk of me snapping under the pressure of it all? Thoughts?


----------



## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Tufluv said:


> I cannot continue to follow him, I realize he will never be happy anywhere, with anything.


This type of person is not emotionally healthy and has no business being married, let alone in a relationship. This is an issue with *him* that you're not qualified to fix.

I'm also wondering .... WHY is he changing jobs so often? Are bill collectors threatening to garnish his wages? Is someone after him for a lawsuit judgment or child support? What do you know about these debts he had collectors calling about? I would have been very suspicious about this to begin with.

And no, you're not a loser. You just picked a bad apple, and hopefully you can learn from this experience and not make this mistake again. (Love, unfortunately, does NOT conquer all — learned that the very hard way.) I would get a divorce and start over again. You sound like a mature, responsible person who could easily leap back into her old business.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I normally don't encourage divorce. But he will not change unless *he* wants to change — and right now, he seems he has no motivation to because (from where I'm sitting) it sounds like YOU'RE the one providing most of the stability.


----------



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Why exactly did you marry him in the first place. You werent so young then either. You dont mention kids so I suppose there arent any. Unless you live on a high standard even one wage earner should be enough for two. 

I would not suggest your H should stop working. That can make matters worse. But there are always jobs everywhere although they may be low paying. Moving around is not an option. 

You have to agree on a certain place and stay there.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I don't think you're having a midlife crisis.You've put up with a lot in a short period of time.Sounds like your husband is looking for a geographical cure for his unhappiness in life.Maybe its time he sought some professional help.If not,then you know the cure for your own unhappiness.Take care.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Your plan sounds alright. BUT....you need a Plan B. 

Your plan is based on your H's assistance, he has to agree to all those things. 

Your Plan B should be based on "what if he argues, refuses, or just doesn't really help this plan happen"? You have to figure out what your NEXT move would be. Move on without him? Hang in there and keep trying to convince him? Have a whole different plan that may or may not require someone ELSE'S assistance? (Like moving back closer to family or friends?) 

You've GOT to give yourself more than one option. He already has at least 3 that I can see. Go with you on your terms, walk out and let you figure out your own stuff, or just keep doing what he is doing and hope you hang with him. 

Are you prepared to be strong and look out for yourself with or WITHOUT him?


----------



## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Tufluv, why are you staying married to this man? Read your plan and what you have to do to live with him. I too had a the grass is always greener if we just move to 'geographical location du jour.'

It is no way to live, HE is the same person in every environment.

If he fits the pattern, he is not going to be supportive of you and your plan as they dislike authority and giving others control.

Be prepared to move to the location of YOUR choice without him is my advice.


----------



## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Minneapolis is a great city and has bus transit to downtown. 

Move. Be happy. Decide if the relationship will work.


----------



## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

I feel bad saying this but your husband doesn't seem suitable to be a husband. He has really poor decision making and doesn't seem like he can be a proper father either.
Although you love him so much you still need him to be a person you can rely on instead of someone bringing you down. 

Is there any family you can stay with that live in a city you'd like to live in? If I were you I would want to get my life stabilized by myself and then ask him to join otherwise I can only see things getting worse for you mentally.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The problem with your plan is that it puts you as the breadwinner, and I FIRMLY believe that he will never, ever hold down a steady job, knowing that you are taking care of things. He will eventually stop working altogether and become your full time leech. I think its time that you cut your losses, move back to wherever it was you were living before you married, and divorce this loser. THIS is the life you have to look forward to for the next 30+ years if you stay with him...that is NO WAY to live. He is not a partner to you, you could do so much better!


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Seems to me that he moves you around on purpose to undermine you and cut the legs out from under you. If you are penniless, jobless, and feeling terrible about yourself he has a better chance of keeping you.

That you can have that done to you repeatedly and find your feet again, persist, and get yet another decent job... shows a strength of character in adversity which should make you very proud of yourself! :smthumbup:

If I was you, I would stop following him around. Decide where you want to live and work and go for it. If he decides to come alongside you in your journey, you can decide if you still want him.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Tufluv said:


> Am I going through a midlife crisis, or is my life rotten because of the choice I made (when I married my husband)? Prior to meeting him, I had a good job, had a second job that allowed me to travel frequently. I had friends, I had a life.


 Just living on the emotions "of Love" will never be enough... so much more needs to be supported along with the hormones of love...

What you have described does not sound like a Mid life crisis so much (even though the age fits) but desperation due to hanging by a string financially... security is no where to be found with this man, his having debt collectors calling the house was an enormous  of the hardships ahead when you attach yourself to someone his age who can't live within their means or have anything saved by then...some stability...



> So, over the course of our 4yr marriage, we have been homeless, have had a few weeks where we couldn't afford food, have been in debt, have filed bankruptcy, have lost any friends we've made because we move so far away from them.
> 
> I have sold anything I owned that could bring in cash so that we could survive, my car is now to the point of not being repairable.


 This would be emotionally catastrophic for anyone! 



> I thought that because he was a good person, that Love could surpass all of this. BUT, he is so negative, so angry all the time. It makes me jumpy and just plain unhappy. I thought his attitude was justifiable due to our constant money issues. But....I'm really beginning to wonder. I wasn't this unhappy when I was alone. And when I met him, he constantly had bill collectors calling him.


 Can he see what he is doing wrong... if he is not able to stand back...look over his life.... come up with a plan to stop the madness... get his debt under control, hold the same job, meet some financial goals... I am afraid you won't have much to work with.



> I feel like a loser. I used to be so much more. I used to be very successful in business, had friends, had places to go, things to do and had fun. I have not had an ounce of fun in years.


 Not a Loser, just made a bad choice here in men... you took a detour for 4 yrs... you've now lived and Learned... you can find THIS happy successful woman again...

Many insightful posters here to encourage you...surround yourself with friends, family and move on...get back to what you love and enjoy. This man had 4 yrs to get it together... It's your life...do what is in your heart -for Happiness...


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yep, what she said ^^^^!

Do what you have to do to be ok for YOU. You've tried. Give yourself credit for doing what you thought was right at the time. Now do what is right at THIS time. 

YOU can do this. He either comes along with you, or he doesn't. Period.


----------

