# Can't have sex with my wife!



## Jimmy1962 (May 27, 2018)

My wife had an affair. When trying to have sex, all I see are all the places the other man had his hands, every ooh and ahh she makes for me she made for him. I finally had to stop. We have not had sex now in almost 2 years. I am almost 4 years out from finding out about her affair. I have two therapists and they both tell me that it will come back. But as it is now I just cannot do it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Around these parts they are called “mind movies”. It is really common. Your case seems to be long winded but that doesn’t make them any less harmful unfortunately. How long .... I reckon every person is different.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Has your wife been completely transparent when answering your questions about the affair? Do you feel she is genuinely remorseful? Since you haven't had sex with her in two years, have you told her why you can't? How does she feel about not having sex?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Maybe this is your subconscious telling you that her betrayal was really an insurmountable dealbreaker for you and that reconciliation is the wrong path. Your current situation as you describe it hardly sounds worth it, may be time to start over and find a new, untainted woman that you can really enjoy on all levels.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jimmy1962 said:


> My wife had an affair. When trying to have sex, all I see are all the places the other man had his hands, every ooh and ahh she makes for me she made for him. I finally had to stop. We have not had sex now in almost 2 years. I am almost 4 years out from finding out about her affair. I have two therapists and they both tell me that it will come back. But as it is now I just cannot do it.


Assuming you are the Jimmy that is on SurvivingInfidelity you need to change your priorities and divorce.

It's been two years. You just don't have it in you and there is no shame in that. Reconciliation isn't usually a rational impulse, the rational thing to do is to protect yourself. Which is why it's just so hard.

Think about it you really don't have a marriage anymore.

You can't have sex.
You are chronically unhappy.
Your life is spend obsessing about something that won't change.
You would do better to try to invent a time machine and I think be just as successful.

I say change your priorities because your priorities really seem to be get the marriage back you had, but the women you want to be married to has been gone for a long time.
I would argue that she never really existed in the first place and you married what I like to call - one of the shadow people. These are people who pretend to be one type but hide their true nature, they are not authentic and not real. Sometimes they are really easy to be married to because they never disagree, and shape their phony persona to make it so. Which makes it harder when you meet the real person. This is your wife. THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN YOUR WIFE, whether you know it or not. Whether you admit it or not.

It's not going to get better until you change your priorities. What you are doing isn't working. If I remember you have built a successful business, well then you should understand the sum cost fallacy. That is where you are at, you continue to invest emotional capital in a product that is losing you money and costing you your business instead of dropping it all together and moving on.

Honestly I don't think this thing boils down to sex, I think the sex helps you avoid what you really are afraid of facing. This is hard to say and I am sorry to say it, but what I think you really don't want to deal with is that the thought that your wife just didn't love you enough not to cheat on you. She never loved you the way you love her. Now I know that kills you, it breaks my heart to write it but you MUST FACE IT. THAT DOESN'T MEAN SOMEONE ELSE WON'T.

So many times reconciliation boils down to people trying so hard for so little.

Everything in life ends. Your marriage ended the moment your wife cheated. You are not the man who can recover from this, and there is nothing wrong with that. Being able to accept the unacceptable doesn't make you strong, moral, respectable, admirable, or a better or bigger man. It makes you normal. A better emotional strategy for you would be for you to accept this fact and build your strength to move on. There is still life out there for you to find.

Sometimes you can play the game your best, and the game is rigged and still you lose. You can choose to mourn the loss for the rest of the season, or you can join another fair game and see if you can win there.

It's your choice but you only get one life and you only have so much time.

I personally think your only freedom is in giving up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What both your therapists are saying is true for some and not true for others. That's obviously a tough thing to recover from for many people.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Around these parts they are called “mind movies”. It is really common.


I'm sure the girl did get pleasure out of banging the other guy and I expect his old lady has had her share of mind movies to. I have to wonder if its be two years since she got laid. Old Jimmy's needs to either get over it or walk.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Just know time heals everything. You may need years more of healing. You may forgive but you will never forget. My wife had a ONS while we broke up for a quick month and she still claims it was the most horrible night of her life although that is quickly starting to become a big lie. I too wonder how much she enjoyed it. Must have been nice - sex four times throughout the night mostly unprotected and she slept with her clothes off that night - something she NEVER has done while I have been with her. She even gave the guy head - something I find the most intimate thing you can do.

You can drive yourself crazy thinking about it as it never seems to end. Some guys might want to have an affair of their own but I don't think that will solve anything. And as far as counseling - most I have found to be useless


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Just know time heals everything. You may need years more of healing. You may forgive but you will never forget. My wife had a ONS while we broke up for a quick month and she still claims it was the most horrible night of her life although that is quickly starting to become a big lie. I too wonder how much she enjoyed it. Must have been nice - sex four times throughout the night mostly unprotected and she slept with her clothes off that night - something she NEVER has done while I have been with her. She even gave the guy head - something I find the most intimate thing you can do.
> 
> You can drive yourself crazy thinking about it as it never seems to end. Some guys might want to have an affair of their own but I don't think that will solve anything. And as far as counseling - most I have found to be useless


Ouch!

Your wife gave head to a guy, that was not yet, banging, angrily around in her head.

She felt obliged to strip down naked for him, a stranger. There was no shame needed.
They were not familiar.

She felt obliged to give you the shaft, and take his in, in more than one place, repeatedly.

Four times? It was a one-night-stand that she did not want to end, un-grand, so soon.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Just know time heals everything. You may need years more of healing. You may forgive but you will never forget. My wife had a ONS while we broke up for a quick month and she still claims it was the most horrible night of her life although that is quickly starting to become a big lie. I too wonder how much she enjoyed it. Must have been nice - sex four times throughout the night mostly unprotected and she slept with her clothes off that night - something she NEVER has done while I have been with her. She even gave the guy head - something I find the most intimate thing you can do.
> 
> You can drive yourself crazy thinking about it as it never seems to end. Some guys might want to have an affair of their own but I don't think that will solve anything. And as far as counseling - most I have found to be useless


I don't know why you guys make yourself miserable. If you are that miserable just move on, there are other women. Hell alone is better.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

As others have stated. No one is worth this level of misery.

Rip off the bandaid and kick her to the curb.

If you don't you'll suffer to some degree for the better part of the rest of your life.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

Trident said:


> As others have stated. No one is worth this level of misery.
> 
> Rip off the bandaid and kick her to the curb.
> 
> If you don't you'll suffer to some degree for the better part of the rest of your life.


While I wouldn't use the term "Kick her to the curb", I do agree with the sentiment. 

I'm even willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (warranted or not) and suggest that she might have even learned her lesson and might not ever do this again. 

But the sad fact is that lesson learned or not, her act was a betrayal and that not everyone can recover from a betrayal of that magnitude.

I feel that the OP needs to sit down, talk with his wife and file for a divorce. Rip off the bandaid and just walk away. It's time for both to find their new paths in life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If it’s a deal breaker it is what it is. You can waste your life or move on.

There is no magic fix.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Jimmy1962 said:


> My wife had an affair. When trying to have sex, all I see are all the places the other man had his hands, every ooh and ahh she makes for me she made for him. I finally had to stop. We have not had sex now in almost 2 years. I am almost 4 years out from finding out about her affair. I have two therapists and they both tell me that it will come back. But as it is now I just cannot do it.


I have been there, fortunately, I was able to get past this. If you cannot, divorce. Two years? Yikes! Time to shift gears and move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jimmy1962 said:


> My wife had an affair. When trying to have sex, all I see are all the places the other man had his hands, every ooh and ahh she makes for me she made for him. I finally had to stop. We have not had sex now in almost 2 years. I am almost 4 years out from finding out about her affair. I have two therapists and they both tell me that it will come back. But as it is now I just cannot do it.


So get out of the marriage. Honestly, why should you get past an affair when you're married? You can share the kids and even be friends if you want to after the divorce. I don't blame you for being unable to have sex with her, although I do think all this about you can't do it without thinking where his hands were is really excessive.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your therapists did you a disfavor by telling you that you will get over it and your feelings for her will come. 

For some people it might. But for many many others, that is simply not true. 

When someone cheats, there is a very real chance that their partner may never recover warm and intimate feelings for them and the relationship is often permanently damaged or even destroyed.

That is the risk people take when they bed others. 

If your relationship is permanently damaged and you cannot recover, that is on her due to her actions and behaviors. 

That is not on you and there is no failure on your part for not being able to continue the relationship. 

It is quite normal and common for a relationship to be destroyed by infidelity. 

And there is no statute of limitations on how much time has passed since the infidelity and nor are you obligated to continue to stay just because years have passed since the event.

It is your right to walk away tomorrow morning.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If a man I was with cheated on me I wouldnt be able to have sex with them again and the trust would be gone, so for me ending the marriage would be best unless we got on well enough to live together as house sharers.
If it hasn't happened after 4 years then I doubt it ever will.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I don't know why you guys make yourself miserable. If you are that miserable just move on, there are other women. Hell alone is better.


I am reminded of the French Play by Sartre called No Exist. It is about a group of people in a room. Toge4her they make it a "hell" for themselves and yet they don't have to. In many ways some make their own hell on earth by marrying and staying married to the wrong person.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

My brother in-law caught his wife cheating - not before all the lies and the trickle truth. After 4 years he claimed he was over it. The next year he was still upset about it calling his wife names, etc... I think he has his good days and bad days. I told him you will never get over it. It's just all about managing the pain.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jimmy if it has been 4 years it's time to move on and divorce her, you will never get over it and she will always look like a marked woman in your eyes. stop beating yourself over this and just let her go.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

It's funny (well, not really), but I always wonder how I would react if my husband cheated on me. When I was younger, I would NEVER have tolerated it. But now at 30 something... I don't know. It's a hard position to be in. I cannot even fathom my response.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Jimmy1962 said:


> My wife had an affair. When trying to have sex, all I see are all the places the other man had his hands, every ooh and ahh she makes for me she made for him. I finally had to stop. We have not had sex now in almost 2 years. I am almost 4 years out from finding out about her affair. I have two therapists and they both tell me that it will come back. But as it is now I just cannot do it.


This is a deal breaker for you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This was definitely a deal breaker for you. Despite what we read on TAM and SI, the norm is for a sexual affair to lead to divorce. There’s nothing wrong with filing for D 4 years later. 

I also think that your WW has not done enough to make you feel loved or shown true remorse, which is why you haven’t been able to resume a sexual relationship with her. That she hasn’t been pulling out all the stops to make you feel safe enough to allow yourself to be in such a vulnerable position is telling of how little work she has done.


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## My Monsters (Mar 13, 2021)

Jimmy1962.....my husband of 38+ years has made me learn more about forgiveness than I ever wanted to know. For men I think a physical affair is harder to get past...women I think it’s the emotional bonding/affair that is hardest forgive. My guess is the reason sex is difficult is you haven’t let go of what happened...you will go through the steps of grief after a spouse cheats on you. Shock/denial, anger/pissed off, hurt/depression and then acceptance....its not a straight path through the phases of grief either sometimes you just circle around till you get to acceptance. It took me years to get past my husbands physical affair, but eventual I did. The most important thing is you have to decide if you really want to forgive her and let go....if you will eventually let it go. If she doesn’t take responsibility for what happened it will make it a longer process. You two are coming from different perspectives in this issue...she will never know understand betrayal till it happens to her. Best wishes down this journey...it’s a difficult path.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So get out of the marriage. Honestly, why should you get past an affair when you're married? You can share the kids and even be friends if you want to after the divorce. I don't blame you for being unable to have sex with her, although I do think all this about you can't do it without thinking where his hands were is really excessive.


Excessive?????? Ha! I totally get it. normal thoughts I think.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Excessive?????? Ha! I totally get it. normal thoughts I think.


I guess everybody's different. I've been cheated on but I didn't sit around and think about the logistics.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Time heals nothing. It's what you do DURING the time that matters. What are you doing to try to get past the hurt? Counseling? If you're not taking action, you may never heal. If you can't heal, it's a life sentence. Move on. The sad part about it is that you may get rid of her but you may never get rid of the betrayal. Think about yourself. That's what she did when she had the affair.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

_My thought is if you think cheating deserves the death sentence and to hang someone, having been cheated on is probably the least of your condition. _


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Cheating for some is a deal breaker. It is for you. 4 years later and you are still put off by her.

Cut her loose.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jimmy1962 said:


> My wife had an affair. When trying to have sex, all I see are all the places the other man had his hands, every ooh and ahh she makes for me she made for him. I finally had to stop. We have not had sex now in almost 2 years. I am almost 4 years out from finding out about her affair. I have two therapists and they both tell me that it will come back. But as it is now I just cannot do it.


About all you’re doing is putting your therapists kids through college.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Felt the same as OP. Not just the sex but just didn't believe anything she said after.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

To share your wife is to spare no pain, share no shame. All is yours to bear.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Where did this come from?
> Since you bring it up it would depend on if i walked in on it in my house? Guy would leave with serious injuries. She would get a boot in her skank ass too, right out the door.


It came from a post that was removed that was above it.


Skruddgemire said:


> While I wouldn't use the term "Kick her to the curb", I do agree with the sentiment.
> 
> I'm even willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (warranted or not) and suggest that she might have even learned her lesson and might not ever do this again.
> 
> ...


No one is able to trust after a betrayal, or if they do, it's kind of a miracle, but you definitely can get past it and accept people are imperfect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My Monsters said:


> Jimmy1962.....my husband of 38+ years has made me learn more about forgiveness than I ever wanted to know. For men I think a physical affair is harder to get past...women I think it’s the emotional bonding/affair that is hardest forgive. My guess is the reason sex is difficult is you haven’t let go of what happened...you will go through the steps of grief after a spouse cheats on you. Shock/denial, anger/pissed off, hurt/depression and then acceptance....its not a straight path through the phases of grief either sometimes you just circle around till you get to acceptance. It took me years to get past my husbands physical affair, but eventual I did. The most important thing is you have to decide if you really want to forgive her and let go....if you will eventually let it go. If she doesn’t take responsibility for what happened it will make it a longer process. You two are coming from different perspectives in this issue...she will never know understand betrayal till it happens to her. Best wishes down this journey...it’s a difficult path.


Forgiveness and staying together dont have to go together. If I was with a man who cheated I would endeavour to forgive because its so imortant, but I doubt I would be able to trust again or have sex with him again, so no marrige left really.


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