# Accepting Reality



## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

I have suspected for a long time that my H and I were not a good match for each other. I've contemplated divorce frequently since we married almost 4 years ago. I have tried, begged, threatened, done everything I can think of (short of divorce) to make things better, but it has been difficult since my H just doesn't want to put forth the effort. He's got rivers of excuses why he can't be a better husband...and now he's pretty much drowned himself.

He went to one counseling session with me and then magically his work schedule changed so that we can no longer attend sessions. I've told him repeatedly that he needs to get off of his computer and participate in this family. He says "I know." and then continues to spend 99% of his time sitting in front of it  

He says that he is too tired and stressed to be a good husband and father. :scratchhead: How hard is it to give someone a hug? How hard is it to LOOK at someone when they talk to you instead of staring at your computer?

I asked him if he would prefer to have the stresses of being a husband and father removed so that he could focus on work and do what he wants with his time without being nagged. I asked him if he would want a divorce. His answer: "I don't want a divorce, but if YOU want a divorce then I certainly can't stop you." :scratchhead: Wow, seriously?

I don't WANT a divorce. I want a husband and a father for my son. I want affection and sex and caring and attention. I told him this. He says "Well, I don't see things change any time soon, if ever. My job is really stressful." 

So... I guess that means we are getting a divorce? He's basically passing the buck on everything. I have a plan to be out in 3 years, but I don't know if I can handle that. I am absolutely destroyed by how much he just doesn't give a crap. I suspected it, but to have it thrown out on the table like that... 

There will be no divorce unless I initiate it because my H is so 'whatever' about everything that he would never even think to file.

I just feel so... beaten... I've tried... I've tried SO hard... and none of it mattered... none of it made one bit of difference... 

I want to cry... I want a drink SO bad... and I can't do either because my 3 year old needs me, and right now, I'm the only one he's got.

Please tell me it gets better...


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Kearson- You make it sound like you don't have much to lose. And maybe you don't.

So I have a suggestion.

While your husband is at work, take his computer (it sounds like he has a PC at home) and remove it from the premises. Take it to a friend's house, or somewhere.

Be prepared for him to suddenly care about something, with anger and enthusiasm, because it sounds like he is addicted to the internet.

I don't know how things will pan out, but I would have a short list of "things you have to do to get the PC back," that includes some family-centered activities. 

I dunno. It's not great advice, but it might be enough of a jolt to him that it breaks him out of the rut he seems to be in.

Good luck!


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> Kearson- You make it sound like you don't have much to lose. And maybe you don't.
> 
> So I have a suggestion.
> 
> ...


I threatened to do that once and he looked me straight in the face and said "You really don't want to do that. It wouldn't be pretty."

So yeah...I won't be doing that.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Kearson, I know it's tough to hear him say he basically doesn't give a cr*p about you; and even harder to hear him say he doesn't give a cr*p about your child. I've watched mine basically ignore our child for 14 years. It ain't pretty.

Your husband doesn't want to go to MC. He doesn't want to change because he's 'stressed' from work. Wow, I'm glad I don't have stress like that in my life....bet YOU are, too!!!!

Of course your husband doesn't want a divorce! Why would he? He gets to do whatever he wants while you take care of your son, your home, everything.

You're already a single-parent to your child. How much worse could it be if you were legally a single-parent? If I may ask, why is it going to take 3 years to implement your plan to move out/divorce?
It's not my business if you don't want to say, but maybe people here can give you advice on moving on if we have more details.

Best of luck, and come here anytime for advice/to vent. Hang in there!


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> If I may ask, why is it going to take 3 years to implement your plan to move out/divorce?
> It's not my business if you don't want to say, but maybe people here can give you advice on moving on if we have more details.
> 
> Best of luck, and come here anytime for advice/to vent. Hang in there!


It will take that long to pay off my student loans, finish my paralegal degree, find a job, and have my son in school full time. If I leave any sooner, I'd just be shooting myself in the foot financially and I would not be prepared to care for my son. He is my paramount concern at this point, even above my own happiness. 

My son didn't ask to be born and he had no choice in having me and my H as his parents. If I left now, it would be a huge mess and it would be especially traumatizing for my son because I have no way to support him and I'd have to live with my parents which is NOT a good environment for my child.

I wish I could get out sooner, and heaven knows I will be on the lookout for a way, but until that opportunity presents itself, it will be 3 years.


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

Im sorry h made you feel so small. they have a way of doing that. my h uses his job as the way he defines himself. if things are good, he is fun and smiles. if things are bad, I am supposed to let him pout and wallow. Take his computer and hide it. plan a family night and plan some time to ask him about his job and why it is so stressful. if you really want this to work, you will have to work out this hump. he might feel like he cannot do anything right at home so he uses an excuse to avoid the conflict. maybe the household routine is what his behavior reflects. make changes you feel will improve the atmosphere you are living in and make your family better. if he is "whatever" then change the routine or give him responsibility he thinks is yours. Discuss what you can and try to wake him up.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So waht are you waiting for?

I think you have your answers


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

(tried to post and my computer froze up...sorry if this posts twice)

"I don't WANT a divorce. I want a husband and a father for my son. I want affection and sex and caring and attention. I told him this. He says "Well, I don't see things change any time soon, if ever."

1.) I don't think it's a good idea to take your husband's computer. Only YOU know whether or not he is liable to be violent.

2.) You should sit down soon with your husband when he is not at the computer (and your son is not around). Maybe at dinner (does he eat at the computer?) and tell him calmly that you have a couple of questions that you need him to answer HONESTLY. 

3.) Reiterate the conversation quoted above. Ask him if he remembers it. Ask him if he truly means it. His answer will tell you EVERYTHING.

If he says he didn't mean it and was only angry, then tell him that he has to go to MC with you if you want to salvage your marriage.

If he says he did mean it, then you are out of options. If that is the case, you need to live like roommates until you can move out, support your son emotionally (the older he gets the more he'll realize daddy ignores him and he's never a priority to daddy) as best you can, and work hard towards saving up enough to get out.

4.) You should seek IC if your husband refuses MC with you. It will help you get a better handle on how to deal with your situation in productive ways. You should also talk to your Student Aid counselor to see if they can put 'fresh eyes' on your financial status and maybe come up with alternatives you have not yet thought of.

Good luck, keep coming here for advice/support. I'm sending you a big hug, girl !


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> (tried to post and my computer froze up...sorry if this posts twice)
> 
> "I don't WANT a divorce. I want a husband and a father for my son. I want affection and sex and caring and attention. I told him this. He says "Well, I don't see things change any time soon, if ever."
> 
> 1.) I don't think it's a good idea to take your husband's computer. Only YOU know whether or not he is liable to be violent.


Thank you for saying this. If I took his computer, there would be no other talking. He would just leave the house or get crazy with me, and I honestly don't want to deal with either one.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 2.) You should sit down soon with your husband when he is not at the computer (and your son is not around). Maybe at dinner (does he eat at the computer?) and tell him calmly that you have a couple of questions that you need him to answer HONESTLY.


There is no such time. He rarely eats dinner with us because he comes home so late, and even if he does make it in time for dinner, he says "I ate a late lunch" and goes outside with his computer while we eat dinner. Besides, he has been honest. He doesn't want a divorce, but he also doesn't have the energy or desire to make things work.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 3.) Reiterate the conversation quoted above. Ask him if he remembers it. Ask him if he truly means it. His answer will tell you EVERYTHING.
> 
> If he says he didn't mean it and was only angry, then tell him that he has to go to MC with you if you want to salvage your marriage.


MC is out of the question. He leaves for work at 5:30am and does not get home until 6:30-7:00pm. He also works Saturdays from 5:30am-1pm. These are all the hours that the counseling center is open. 

He doesn't want to go to counseling. The one session he did go to, he tried to lie his way out of. He told me he had just left work and wouldn't be home in time to make the appointment (it takes him 30-45 minutes to get home from work). I sent a him a scathing text telling him I was done putting up with his BS and if he made me go to that appointment alone I was going to lose it. He walked in the door 10 minutes later and we went to the appointment where he whipped out all of his charm and tried to act normal. It was a total waste.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> If he says he did mean it, then you are out of options. If that is the case, you need to live like roommates until you can move out, support your son emotionally (the older he gets the more he'll realize daddy ignores him and he's never a priority to daddy) as best you can, and work hard towards saving up enough to get out.


This is where I am at. During my talk with H this weekend, he said "If we get a divorce, how will we split the DVD collection?" Um... yeah... I told him he could have it. He seemed surprised and asked "You don't want any of them?" and I told him "I don't give two craps about those DVD's. I care about our son. You can have the DVD's and the car and anything that you brought into the marriage along with the TV in our room and your beloved computer. I will keep all of my stuff and our son." And he said "Okay...are you sure you don't want any of the movies?"

NO! I don't want the movies!  I guess he thinks I'm going to get all vengeful and try to take everything. I couldn't care less about stuff. All I want is my son. Everything else is just stuff. I wish he could see that.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> 4.) You should seek IC if your husband refuses MC with you. It will help you get a better handle on how to deal with your situation in productive ways.


I will be doing this most definitely. 



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You should also talk to your Student Aid counselor to see if they can put 'fresh eyes' on your financial status and maybe come up with alternatives you have not yet thought of.


I had to chuckle at this. I know more about financial aid than the financial aid office at my school does. I have been in and out of college classes since 1997. There is no financial aid help for me at this point due to the path I have taken over the last 15 years. The only thing I get is tuition assistance which pays for my classes. I still have to pay parking, fees, and books. It's enough to get me through, though.



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Good luck, keep coming here for advice/support. I'm sending you a big hug, girl !


Thank you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through this, but at least you know where your husband stands. You could always tell him he can keep the DVDs, but you want the cables to the computer (just kidding).

I KNOW you are going to do what you think is in your best interest. You sound smart and confident and able to think through this clearly. I don't want to seem like a nag, but I KNOW what your child is in for. I've seen it with my daughter.

Examples: My husband would never play games (of any kind) with our daughter. He found it 'boring'. I tried to point out that THAT is not the point, she needs interaction with us, she needs to feel in control. "Let her choose the game, spend time with her doing what she wants." He walked away.

When she was about 9, I tried to have a family game night. We chose a board game, set it up and started playing. Within a few minutes, his cell phone rang, he answered it, got up, walked away. We waited about 10 minutes then I said, "Honey, let's just keep playing without him." A week or so later we tried again. Same thing (cell phone) only this time, SHE only waited about 5 minutes and said, "Let's just play without him." Tried again a week or so later. Same thing (cell phone) only THIS time as soon as he left the room she took her arm and angrily swiped EVERYTHING off the board! I was heart-broken for her, and, believe me, NOTHING breaks your heart like seeing your child's heart broken! To top it off, my STBXH has the gall to say sh*t like, "Sometimes I feel so left out! It's like you and her against me!" Duh! He can't see it's been that way since she was born...and it's all his OWN doing! (Sorry for the rant, but it just p*sses me off so much.) THIS is what I fear for YOUR son. If at all possible, DON'T let this happen to YOUR son.

Work on a budget, consider doing things differently. Could you postpone full-time schooling (if that's what you're doing) so you could work full-time and go to school at night? Could you split rent with a roommate/housemate? Don't forget to factor in child-support as part of your new income. I know you will do what's best. Take a step at a time. Just try to shield your child from knowing that he isn't worth cr*p in your husband's life and believe that somewhere out there there IS a man who will value you and your son as a wonderful family he can't wait to love.

God knows, I understand how truly SAD your situation is.

(love)

[just writing all this has made me cry...sometimes people can be such ungrateful assh*les]


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## prisoner84 (Apr 18, 2012)

I agree with SlowlyGettingWiser, you need to do what's best for your son. I don't think it will get better for you. Your H has issues he needs to deal with but never will. I feel the best thing for you to do would be to move on ASAP.


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## Kearson (Jan 18, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I KNOW you are going to do what you think is in your best interest. You sound smart and confident and able to think through this clearly. I don't want to seem like a nag, but I KNOW what your child is in for. I've seen it with my daughter...
> 
> THIS is what I fear for YOUR son. If at all possible, DON'T let this happen to YOUR son.


I fear this too. I try my best to shield my son. He's 3 right now with a short attention span so it's not too difficult at this point. My H spends about 15 minutes with him at night before my son goes to bed. He has tried to wiggle out of it a few times, but I won't let him. My son needs that time every day, and 15 minutes is not too much to ask. 

My H also goes with him one saturday a month to do crafts at Home Depot. My H has tried to wiggle out of that too, but I've made it very clear that if he doesn't take that one day a month to go build something with his kid, I will go into his place of employment and raise holy h*ll (since he 'blames' work for having to work on Saturdays when I know that he is actually volunteering to go in).



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Work on a budget, consider doing things differently. Could you postpone full-time schooling (if that's what you're doing) so you could work full-time and go to school at night? Could you split rent with a roommate/housemate? Don't forget to factor in child-support as part of your new income.


I cannot work full time at this point. Any money I made would only cover day care for my son, so it would be pointless. I cannot survive on minimum wage. I'm going to school to get this degree so that I can make 2-4x minimum wage.

Besides, I want to spend this time with my son to build up his self-esteem and be with him because in the near future I will be working full time and won't have as much time with him.

I don't know anyone to room with anyway, and there is no way I'm moving in with a stranger.

Also, from what I have heard from many divorced women, child support is not something you can really count on. I could honestly see my husband quitting his job and refusing to work just so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He has no problem with going to jail. He's been there before a few times for other things.

I have to plan for the worst. Leaving too soon just makes the worst even worse, and I don't want to do that to my son


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