# Breadwinner and balance



## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

My husband is the breadwinner. This was a choice we both made, not something he was forced into by circumstance. He was raised in this dynamic (typical European) so it's a pretty normal set-up for him and we both agreed early on in the dating stages that we wanted this dynamic as well. I do work, but it's part-time and relative stress free so I obviously take on most of the domestic duties. In sum, this decision has worked out well for us until now.

Lately, however, my husband has been tired (almost to the point of exhaustion), detached, and not as affectionate. I've had the feeling for a few weeks now that something is wrong although nothing has changed in our relationship: I haven't gained weight, turned into a nagging *****, stopped wanting to have sex, etc.

Anyway, I think I've finally figured it out! Now that we're preparing to buy our first house, I think he's feeling overwhelmed. Like there's too much pressure on him to be able to afford a nice one. I can relate because I'm somewhat panicking about it, too. Although we have no debt the house hunting process has been really eye opening concerning what we can afford and how we need to prepare. We're not starving or anything (we actually live quite well), but we were both pretty ignorant about what it takes to qualify for a home. 

Basically, this is his first financial task as a husband I think he feels like he's failing at.

What has me SO confused on what to do next, however, is that whenever I make any suggestion to help out more financially he shoots the idea down. A lot of his self worth comes from being the breadwinner. I know my husband and he feels like a man being able to provide for me so it's like he's stuck between needing my help and not wanting my help. I think he NEEDS me to pull my financial weight more, but he doesn't want to admit it.

I'm educated and qualified enough to get a full-time well paying job. However, I don't _want_ to work full-time. That would be disastrous for our marriage. Our dynamic is successful because I have the time to be domestic. I enjoy it and it makes me happy. If I return to work full-time I'll have to really cut down on all of this. I've seen so many marriages fall apart because the wife gets burnt out from having to work all day then come home and work some more. I don't want to be too tired for sex... Too tired to cook a good meal, etc. However, I don't want him to get burnt out, too.

There's is a program I can take online that will enable me to get a better paying position (literally, double) and still allow me to work part-time almost with the same schedule. I've mentioned it to him before and it doesn't seem to want me to do it. I know he's insecure that if I make more money I won't "need" him, but I think he needs me to remove some of the financial burden from him.

I can't decide if I should take this program or if I should find some other way to help him? 

If you're the breadwinner, what are some things you wish your spouse would do to alleviate some of the pressure?


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

If the idea of taking on a mortgage is stressing him out, why not continue renting assuming you are both happy where you live and don't have any specific reasons why you want to buy a house? It can be a good thing to rent - someone else is ultimately responsible for the property!

I wish we had never bought a house. We had an apartment we loved in a nice neighborhood, the landlord handled the mowing and plowing and all repairs, the rent was less than half of what we paid for mortgage+homeowners insurance+property taxes. And if we decided to move it was relatively easy - no worries if we could sell for enough to pay off the balance on the mortgage.

My husband and I were in a similar situation to you when we bought our house. He was working full time making about $80,000 per year. I was working 20 hours per week making $10/hour. No kids. Low cost of living area. We were paying $600/month for rent and had plenty of $$$ left over to not have to worry about finances. Buying a $140,000 home in a high end neighborhood was a huge mistake. All of a sudden we were fighting over who had to do the outdoor chores. Whether or not to put the income tax refund against the mortgage or use it to make repairs on the house. Then I got sick and couldn't work anymore and everything fell apart. He couldn't cope with the responsibility and he fell apart too. It wasn't the only reason we split up but it was definitely one of them. And I probably should have seen it coming because the first time we decided to buy a house he disappeared 3 weeks before the closing and didn't come back until after I had cancelled the purchase. Somehow I totally failed to realize that he was simply terrified of the idea of home ownership. Maybe your husband feels the same way. Ask him. Get him to talk to you about it. We would have been saved a lot of grief if my husband had admitted to me that he was perfectly happy renting and that he didn't want the responsibility of owning.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> There's is a program I can take online that will enable me to get a better paying position (literally, double) and still allow me to work part-time almost with the same schedule. I've mentioned it to him before and it doesn't seem to want me to do it. I know he's insecure that if I make more money I won't "need" him, but I think he needs me to remove some of the financial burden from him.


While you can certainly respect his traditional outlook on marriage and gender responsibility, at the same time, don't lose who the hell_ *you* _are in the process, always allowing HIM to decide everything you do or what your personal growth should be, like he's your father or something. And that's *exactly* what you're doing, allowing him to keep you from taking a course that would ultimately benefit YOU as well as your family unit by allowing you to earn more for basically the same productivity you're putting forth now. You're an adult and you shouldn't need his 'permission' to better yourself.

Honestly, if he doesn't understand the very *simple* economics of how that program could only benefit your family while still only basically being part time, then he's really not too sharp.

Secondly, you make sure you take that course, UnicornCupcake.

While it's all romantic and cute and 'manly' that he wants to control you like a 1950's housewife, the sad *truth* is that divorce happens even to the best of us. If you keep letting this guy dictate your every move and keeping you from getting further education to better yourself, there's a 50/50 chance you're going to be one of those wives I *CONSTANTLY* read about on the marriage/infidelity boards who are whining away that that they were under-employed or SAHM's for the last 12 or 15 or 20 years and now they're divorcing their husband for whatever reason, and can't get a job at Burger King. They're unmarketable, unemployable, and panicking.

*DON'T* be one of those women.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

UnicornCupcake said:


> I've seen so many marriages fall apart because the wife gets burnt out from having to work all day then come home and work some more. I don't want to be too tired for sex... Too tired to cook a good meal, etc. However, I don't want him to get burnt out, too.



Those wives burn out because they have lazy husbands who don't help. Two adults who share a home should pitch in their share. If one doesn't work, of course they'll shoulder more of the domestic responsibilities. But if they both work, then they both should share the domestic stuff equally. 

If you fear your husband wouldn't do his part or would make a fuss for having to, then you have bigger problems on your hands than buying a house.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Celes said:


> If you fear your husband wouldn't do his part or would make a fuss for having to, then you have bigger problems on your hands than buying a house.


It sounds as though he's EXACTLY the type that thinks his gender precludes him from washing a dish or vacuuming a floor (even though he thinks it's fine that she contributes financially to an extent). I've known SO many hypocritically men like this and they all deserve a throat-punch.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though he's EXACTLY the type that thinks his gender precludes him from washing a dish or vacuuming a floor (even though he thinks it's fine that she contributes financially to an extent). I've known SO many hypocritically men like this and they all deserve a throat-punch.


Oh no, my husband is more than helpful concerning domestic duties. He woke up earlier than me, got groceries, put them away and brought me a coffee in bed. This is EVERY Sunday.

It's more ME not wanting HIM to take on too many of these domestic duties and ME being afraid I'll drop the ball if I work more. The same way he doesn't want to make me take on financial pressure. I know it's a hard dynamic for some to accept, but it's what works for us. (We're both European.) 

My main question is how what I can do to alleviate some of the pressure he feels concerning the house. I'm debating on if i should drop house talk altogether for now. So he can catch his breath and take a break. Or if I should take on another job.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though he's EXACTLY the type that thinks his gender precludes him from washing a dish or vacuuming a floor (even though he thinks it's fine that she contributes financially to an extent). I've known SO many hypocritically men like this and they all deserve a throat-punch.




I think you are exactly right. And I'm a guy. 

But he is not hypocritical. This is their arrangement.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Hellomynameis said:


> If the idea of taking on a mortgage is stressing him out, why not continue renting assuming you are both happy where you live and don't have any specific reasons why you want to buy a house?


We're not as happy in our apartment as we once were. It used to be a nice building full of adults, but it's turning into somewhat of a student residence.



Hellomynameis said:


> All of a sudden we were fighting over who had to do the outdoor chores. Whether or not to put the income tax refund against the mortgage or use it to make repairs on the house.


We've already agreed he takes care of the exterior and I take care of the interior. Another reason we want a property is so he can spend more time with his dad - a recent widow - in our home. They both like to take on outdoor projects so that will be good for them.



Hellomynameis said:


> Then I got sick and couldn't work anymore and everything fell apart. He couldn't cope with the responsibility and he fell apart too.


Oh no! I'm so sorry that happened to you, . 



Hellomynameis said:


> It wasn't the only reason we split up but it was definitely one of them. And I probably should have seen it coming because the first time we decided to buy a house he disappeared 3 weeks before the closing and didn't come back until after I had cancelled the purchase.


That's why I want to take a step back. I wonder if I stop talking about it, booking appointments, etc. if he'll see it as a relief or continue to look himself.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> While you can certainly respect his traditional outlook on marriage and gender responsibility, at the same time, don't lose who the hell_ *you* _are in the process, always allowing HIM to decide everything you do or what your personal growth should be, like he's your father or something. And that's *exactly* what you're doing, allowing him to keep you from taking a course that would ultimately benefit YOU as well as your family unit by allowing you to earn more for basically the same productivity you're putting forth now. You're an adult and you shouldn't need his 'permission' to better yourself.
> 
> Honestly, if he doesn't understand the very *simple* economics of how that program could only benefit your family while still only basically being part time, then he's really not too sharp.
> 
> ...


OMG. Yes. I don't want to be a ball busting career woman (I'm domestic... I belong in the 1950's, honestly), but I don't want to get screwed if things don't work out forever, either!


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> While you can certainly respect his traditional outlook on marriage and gender responsibility, at the same time, don't lose who the hell_ *you* _are in the process, always allowing HIM to decide everything you do or what your personal growth should be, like he's your father or something. And that's *exactly* what you're doing, allowing him to keep you from taking a course that would ultimately benefit YOU as well as your family unit by allowing you to earn more for basically the same productivity you're putting forth now. You're an adult and you shouldn't need his 'permission' to better yourself.
> 
> Honestly, if he doesn't understand the very *simple* economics of how that program could only benefit your family while still only basically being part time, then he's really not too sharp.
> 
> ...


My ex never wanted me to get a job or go to school, even when I wanted to. He would act supportive and then shoot me down when I actually went to go do it. There was always an excuse. I look back now and realize it was all about control! And, guess what, I didn't work for over 20 years and have no education above high school. I am fortunate enough that ex makes darn good money and I could live off of support and not have to work. However, I plan on working. I've been dying to for years. I don't even care if it's minimum wage at the local pizza place. I just want to get out there and do my my part however I can. I can't wait to go back to school, too.

Take the class. Don't let him stop you!


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though he's EXACTLY the type that thinks his gender precludes him from washing a dish or vacuuming a floor (even though he thinks it's fine that she contributes financially to an extent). I've known SO many hypocritically men like this and they all deserve a throat-punch.


Yep. I know too many. Will be free from one really soon!


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Reality check. It's 2017. It's much, much harder to buy a very nice home on one income. 

Your options are:

A. Getter a better job and make more money to get the home you want 
B. Compromise on a smaller, less nice looking house or maybe a condo 
C. Forget it for now and keep saving more money until you can afford the home you want (which gets harder to do as home prices can often increase)
D. Give up on a house entirely

I personally went with A. My husband was also stressing a ton when we were house hunting. I worked a commission only job and lenders wouldn't qualify my income, even though it was quite high. I kept telling him I'd job hunt and he'd shrug me off. I too think he took it hard that we couldn't get the kind of house we wanted on just his salary. But we were so close. Just within reach. 

So I changed jobs anyway, much to his criticism (different reasons therefore). We qualified for the exact kind of home we were searching for (we'd been looking almost a year). BAM. He's super happy. And in the end happy with my job situation. And especially happy with the home we bought. 

A bit different in my case since we have different dynamics. I've always worked. But you get the gist.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

You guys are just awesome, . It's nice to know I have a happy place I can go to when I have an issue!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Oh no, my husband is more than helpful concerning domestic duties. He woke up earlier than me, got groceries, put them away and brought me a coffee in bed. This is EVERY Sunday.
> 
> *It's more ME not wanting HIM to take on too many of these domestic duties *and ME being afraid I'll drop the ball if I work more. The same way he doesn't want to make me take on financial pressure. I know it's a hard dynamic for some to accept, but it's what works for us. (We're both European.)


 you sound a lot like ME @UnicornCupcake ... I handle everything related to the home, scheduling kids, finances too.. and my husband does what I can't do, working on the cars, roof, power tool stuff ....he's the main Breadwinner.. this was our hope and prayer when we married.. it's 27 yrs in and I feel it was a good fit for us.. I have worked part time along the way.. in his world.. I don't have to, but he wouldn't stop me either..

I think your husband is getting beat up here, others feeling he is "CONTROLLING YOU"... is there any truth to this ?? Do you feel he is squashing your true desires, ambitions, holding you back ..that you are on a short lease - he wants you in apron strings only? I am thinking not, by some of your comments, this appears to need addressed.. 



> My main question is how what I can do to alleviate some of the pressure he feels concerning the house. I'm debating on if i should drop house talk altogether for now. So he can catch his breath and take a break. *Or if I should take on another job.*


I think a couple of things would be helpful... 

1) carefully watching your money from here in ..living as "frugally" as you possibly can... (or maybe you already do?) ....so many websites / forums out there that can give you great tips to trim expenses... while you keep saving for a down payment on a HOUSE you really want.. 

Simple Ways to Cut Your Household Expenses .. Living on One Income

2) If you can swing it (have a vehicle, don't need childcare that will eat up what you earn).... Yes ..take on a Job...to help BUILD your savings- for that down payment....you can look upon this as "temporary" if you want to go back to living as you have been.. 

I speak these things as we're a larger family who's bought a house, land, had a # of kids.. my husband's always been the main Breadwinner...and we're not what many would consider high income, it's blue collar & less than 6 figures for sure...

I can't say we've ever been stressed over money... as before we married we had a large savings.. and kept building upon it... then when it came time to buy our house.. income wise.. we shouldn't have been able to afford what we did.. but we had so much saved (nearly half)... but this is all due to living frugally, my side jobs helped save too...also doing many of our own Home projects, his being our mechanic, that sort of thing.. I will say we worked a lot harder in our early years to SAVE SAVE SAVE... with the sole intention -when we bought the house.. we'd have so much to put down ..that our payments would be lower (in case we had money troubles)... but also to be able to pay it off quicker and get debt free..

If you start saving... this should alleviate his stress and you'll both be feeling more hopeful in achieving your dreams of home ownership...


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

@SimplyAmorous I believe some of us got that impression of her husband not because of their dynamic, but because the idea of her advancing her skills and making more money, while still working part-time and doing the domestic stuff, causes him to feel insecure. Your husband didn't have a problem with you working part time or how much you brought in. Could you say your husband really ever felt less of a man because of your contributions? 

Also I think it's very admirable that you were able to accomplish so much with very little. Unfortunately it's just becoming harder and harder to do as cost of homes rise.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/get-there/wp/2017/01/13/three-ways-its-becoming-harder-for-millennials-to-buy-homes/?utm_term=.1c472fed779e

7 out of 10 first-time buyers now pay stamp duty - Business Insider

https://www.washingtonpost.com/realestate/all-the-reasons-its-so-much-harder-to-buy-a-home-than-it-was-for-your-parents/2016/07/27/3d010358-42be-11e6-bc99-7d269f8719b1_story.html?utm_term=.f29a750e10e5


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Take that program and tell your husband that it is "for now" because you want to contribute to the house buying for your family and you want to make sure your sexy husband isn't too stressed to be sexy. You can always be willing to earn less if the stress or time constraints are too much for you. Chances are he'll get used to the extra income and stop thinking about it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

UC,
The tone of your posts is - terrific. You come across as practical, self aware and balanced. 

My wife is similar to you and SA. And we are 28 years in, and it still works well for us. 

A couple thoughts for you. 
1. I do think you are likely correct about him feeling as if he is failing you as a provider. More on that below.
2. Your plan to increase your skills and pay is a good one. 
3. He doesn't get to decide how skilled you become, or how much money you earn. 

There are a few things you might consider to help him manage his 'provider angst'. 
A. In a calm, low key way emphasize the theme that you are WITH him because you love and desire him. NOT because he's a good provider. This is very obvious from your posts, but perhaps his confidence in this truth is a bit shaken at the moment. That is not your fault - it is simply part of his wiring. 
B. Start getting trained for the better job. And then get the better job. If/when he makes unsupportive comments stick with this: 
- I am doing this for me, because I want to. 
- It isn't going to lead to me deprioritizing you or the things I do for you. 

If he continues to push you not to proceed, I would look puzzled and ask him this: If you got a big raise at work, would you treat me worse? Would you leave me for a younger, prettier wife? 

When he says: of course not

That's when say that you already knew that, because you trust him. 

And then shut up and let him think about that. Because he needs to trust you. 

As far as the house goes, just say what is true: We have a great life, we don't need to rush into anything. When it feels right to both of us, we can revisit the idea of a house. 







UnicornCupcake said:


> My husband is the breadwinner. This was a choice we both made, not something he was forced into by circumstance. He was raised in this dynamic (typical European) so it's a pretty normal set-up for him and we both agreed early on in the dating stages that we wanted this dynamic as well. I do work, but it's part-time and relative stress free so I obviously take on most of the domestic duties. In sum, this decision has worked out well for us until now.
> 
> Lately, however, my husband has been tired (almost to the point of exhaustion), detached, and not as affectionate. I've had the feeling for a few weeks now that something is wrong although nothing has changed in our relationship: I haven't gained weight, turned into a nagging *****, stopped wanting to have sex, etc.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Celes said:


> @SimplyAmorous I believe some of us got that impression of her husband not because of their dynamic, but because the idea of her advancing her skills and making more money, while still working part-time and doing the domestic stuff, causes him to feel insecure. Your husband didn't have a problem with you working part time or how much you brought in. Could you say your husband really ever felt less of a man because of your contributions?


 No.. but if he wasn't supporting his family.. I do believe he would (feel less of a man)... we've had that conversation -due to threads here....he's wired very traditionally like that, as @MEM2020 said... "it's the wiring"....

But really.. I dearly love him for being & feeling that way, Family is his world, his center...to Protect & Provide....this doesn't mean I would take advantage of it.. or that's all He brings, as MEM was trying to lay out ...

Ok I read over @UnicornCupcake 's post again.... this IS what is sticking out.. her saying " I've mentioned it to him before and it doesn't seem to want me to do it. I know he's insecure that if I make more money I won't "need" him, but I think he needs me to remove some of the financial burden from him. "

He's European... this is probably not the norm there.. it may take some time for him to change his thinking on this...some reasoning, laying out some facts.. seeing other families , how they live & do well... I just think some of the comments are on the harsh side is all.... doesn't mean he is anything like some of these other men.. My husband likes to feel "needed" too....Heck I like to feel needed (sexually speaking).. that doesn't resonate with me as all that bad...he's the most UN-controlling man ever, very easy to live with..... But sure he has his preferences & will voice them... 

I am thinking about taking a class at a Community College... I have the freedom to do it.. but still he's not all that enthusiastic...he still tells me I don't need to, just enjoy my life (my motivation is probably all wrong, thinking I need to be like other women & do it all)... ..his thing is : He worries when the roads get bad...we live on back country roads...it's about my safety driving in the winter months...but that was our choice to buy a house with a nasty hilly treacherous driveway...beautiful in the summer but winters are tough ! 



> Also I think it's very admirable that you were able to accomplish so much with very little. *Unfortunately it's just becoming harder and harder to do as cost of homes rise.*


 Yes..it certainly is... we had no Student Debt... that sets everything way back for young people today...a growing # can't even find a decent paying job in their field, after college .. Our oldest is one of those...he's laid off, back living with us...still owes $17,000... but he's saved $22,000 in the last year... he was on the verge of buying his 1st house, then got laid off... Housing prices in our area are a small fraction of what the "median prices" quoted in the last article was...if a house cost THAT much in our area.. it's top of the line, and the buyers are Rich. 

@UnicornCupcake sounds she has a lot to work with.. she already has some skill, she's already working part time.. it's just a matter of her husband coming around a little bit on this one...if she wants to take on *more*... maybe it's about missing the time with her, cutting into their intimacy... (It was for my husband when I worked around his schedule so we wouldn't have to pay babysitters)... I was more the one who insisted on working back then.

Looking at it as "Just temporary" should help... it seems you both agree working full time isn't your ideal ...but still.. right now it's going to help to achieve your future goals..it's all very reasonable...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> My husband is the breadwinner. This was a choice we both made, not something he was forced into by circumstance. He was raised in this dynamic (typical European) so it's a pretty normal set-up for him and we both agreed early on in the dating stages that we wanted this dynamic as well. I do work, but it's part-time and relative stress free so I obviously take on most of the domestic duties. In sum, this decision has worked out well for us until now.
> 
> Lately, however, my husband has been tired (almost to the point of exhaustion), detached, and not as affectionate. I've had the feeling for a few weeks now that something is wrong although nothing has changed in our relationship: I haven't gained weight, turned into a nagging *****, stopped wanting to have sex, etc.
> 
> ...


Why do you feel it would be "disastrous for your marriage" to work full time? Are there children that need looked after? Or some other reasons?
IMO you should tackle the problem where it matters: if your husband is stressing due to financial pressures, help him relieve those pressures by contributing financially and ease his burden. If I was your husband, I would welcome any help I could get and leave the ego out of it. (Just put your foot down).
Obviously don't over-stretch financially and make sure you can always keep up the mortgage payments if you decide to buy a house together (even when rates go up which they will, eventually).

I was always the breadwinner in my family and never needed my wife to work but she wanted to work herself as she wanted to contribute. And I supported her in her decisions. Now we have 3 kids and she still works part time and I still work full time (even though neither of us actually _need_ to work). It is all a bit of a juggling act but it's possible to make it work.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It sounds as though he's EXACTLY the type that thinks his gender precludes him from washing a dish or vacuuming a floor (even though he thinks it's fine that she contributes financially to an extent). I've known SO many hypocritically men like this and they all deserve a throat-punch.


Wow. I am lost: the husband is working his a$$ off and some posters want to punch him in the throat?
Has he actually explicitly said that he doesn't want you to work, under any circumstances? Why is it his fault that you are not working? (in the eyes of the posters). I think you should have started your post with what you wrote later to avoid misunderstandings: "I'm educated and qualified enough to get a full-time well paying job. *However, I don't want to work full-time. That would be disastrous for our marriage.* Our dynamic is successful because I have the time to be domestic. I enjoy it and it makes me happy."

The posters are right that it is *entirely* your choice and you *should* help him. And the way you can help is by contributing financially in a meaningful way.

"I've seen so many marriages fall apart because the wife gets burnt out from having to work all day then come home and work some more. I don't want to be too tired for sex..."

More marriages fall apart because of financial pressures, not because the wife works too much and is too tired for sex. (There are always the weekends).


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

UnicornCupcake said:


> We're both European.


I don't know what that means. I am "European" and most if not all of my European friends work full time (with BOTH partners working).

This outdated view on the male always bringing in the dow is most certainly *not* a European standard that I am aware of.

"I'm debating on if i should drop house talk altogether for now."

So who suggested to buy the house in the first place?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Women as breadwinners in the US: 24.3% U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner - The New York Times

Women as breadwinners in Europe: 31.4%
One third of mothers in working families are breadwinners in Britain | IPPR

Where does the notion come from regarding the European model?


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi Cupcake,

Look at your finances. You need to know how to budget your money with the 50/20/30 guideline.
You’ll divide that amount into three buckets according to what we call the 50/20/30 rule:

No more than 50% goes toward Essential Expenses, which includes just four expenses: housing, transportation, utilities and groceries.

At least 20% goes toward Financial Priorities, which are goals that are essential to a strong fiscal foundation. These include retirement contributions, savings contributions and debt payments. You should make these contributions and payments after you pay your Essential Expenses, but before you do any other spending.

Lastly, no more than 30% goes toward your Lifestyle Choices, which are personal, voluntary and fun choices about spending discretionary income. They often include cable, internet and cell phone plans, charitable giving, childcare, entertainment, gym fees, hobbies, pets, personal care, restaurants and bars, shopping and other miscellaneous expenses.

I live in the far west suburbs of Chicago, My wife makes $30K, I made $45K for last three years. $80K here doesn't go far with owning a house and two cars costing $830 a month, cable TV, phone, cell phone,internet $$450 per month, $600 food per month, $150 for electric during the summer and paying $150 for a mix of medical and credit card bills. We don't have any money to date, dine and wine, buy each other a romantic gift at our anniversary,, birth day, nor spend on ourselves. We just sit home. I feel overwhelmed, no money, no money for maneuvering room. This leads to divorce.

Live way beneath you means. If you have a cell bill, cable, landline, internet, go get a clam phone, use internet at the library, get digital box to receive ABC, NBC, CBS and others using the air broadcast receiver, Roku, amazon t.v. low priced subscription, and that digitized the air signal. In that you don't have to buy cable, landline, Have one car, no huge smart phone rental, Skip the internet. WHAT WOULD YOU PREFER, to have spending money, savings, emergency fun. Your husband will feel more relieved with finances in check, both of you feeling at ease when he is getting maneuverability. You and husband should read DR.Laura book: The proper care and feeding of your husband. It applies to men as well as women. Be aggressive to which expenses to cut, live with it. He has a lot on his mind. Romance him, cook diners, do a romantic dinner. He will want to feel special by loving you, being an expert hunter and protector. Pull a sincere, you my hero, persona. When he is more relaxed he will be up to being more affectionate and fell rejuvenated to make love again. 

My house isn't in my name, but after ten years, with my name not known as a co-owner, and my wife failing to clean up her clutter, and a 30 year old stepson mooching and has not left the house yet, and my wife taking a $700 hand out that I wanted her to return it and no going out or getting or giving a well thought out give for ten years of marriage has led to divorce proceedings. The saying goes if a man has money, money for emergencies and keep you happy he will be walking on . 

What would you rather do: Get rid of technology or lose the the cars. My wife didn't get that concept so were are done. Try not to let Gottman's, theory of the "four horsemen of the apocalypses" Thanks, I am so tired and falling a sleep while I write this. I hope you may get the idea.


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