# thots on "cheerleader" friends



## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

My wife and I are thru. We just sold the house one month after separtion, which followed one month after I found out about her ash mad account and prior affair. 

My question is this....do u guys think that new found friends that seemingly go out of their way to cheat on their spouses have some kind of negative influence on how your spouse started to act right after they started hangin out?

For example, in my case, my wife was great to me for 9.5 years and I never thot in a million years she would have screwed me over. Then comes this girl tht she met at the gym who is six years younger. Within 5-6 months my wife goes all to hell on the marriage and questions everything, then has afffair. Friend also had affair months b4 they hung out and also did the ash mad thing. I just found out that she is seeing someone and her husband knos and they have an in house sep. going on. Then i found out ystrdy that another friend of my wifes from the gym who is a girl, also separated from her husband!!! Its like theyr'e doing it as a team! lol Wat a joke really, but have u guys seen this go on w ur spouses and feel the friends are somewhat responsible for the marriage crumbling or affair starting?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

I think bad friends or associates can definitely make people consider things they normally wouldn't. Each of us ultimately owns the responsibility for our choices though.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

betrayed2013 said:


> My wife and I are thru. We just sold the house one month after separtion, which followed one month after I found out about her ash mad account and prior affair.
> 
> My question is this....do u guys think that new found friends that seemingly go out of their way to cheat on their spouses have some kind of negative influence on how your spouse started to act right after they started hangin out?
> 
> For example, in my case, my wife was great to me for 9.5 years and I never thot in a million years she would have screwed me over. Then comes this girl tht she met at the gym who is six years younger. Within 5-6 months my wife goes all to hell on the marriage and questions everything, then has afffair. Friend also had affair months b4 they hung out and also did the ash mad thing. I just found out that she is seeing someone and her husband knos and they have an in house sep. going on. Then i found out ystrdy that another friend of my wifes from the gym who is a girl, also separated from her husband!!! Its like theyr'e doing it as a team! lol Wat a joke really, but have u guys seen this go on w ur spouses and feel the friends are somewhat responsible for the marriage crumbling or affair starting?


Yes, they love to share the details with each other. They love the "DRAMA" and the excitement. It is less about the men they are involved with, and more about getting validation from their "cool" "with it" girlfriends, who they look up to.

This definitely played a big part in your wife's affair. Many cheaters seem like they are back in high school, and many affairs seem more like high school infatuations, crushes, while the cheaters believe it is true love. Very high school-ish. Same with these "cheerleader" girlfriends. It's a clique mentality. Very immature. They want to be in the "in" club with the "cool" girls who all the boys like.

This is not all affairs, but in your wife's case, this had a lot to do with it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

betrayed2013 said:


> My wife and I are thru. We just sold the house one month after separtion, which followed one month after I found out about her ash mad account and prior affair.
> 
> My question is this....do u guys think that new found friends that seemingly go out of their way to cheat on their spouses have some kind of negative influence on how your spouse started to act right after they started hangin out?
> 
> For example, in my case, my wife was great to me for 9.5 years and I never thot in a million years she would have screwed me over. Then comes this girl tht she met at the gym who is six years younger. Within 5-6 months my wife goes all to hell on the marriage and questions everything, then has afffair. Friend also had affair months b4 they hung out and also did the ash mad thing. I just found out that she is seeing someone and her husband knos and they have an in house sep. going on. Then i found out ystrdy that another friend of my wifes from the gym who is a girl, also separated from her husband!!! Its like theyr'e doing it as a team! lol Wat a joke really, but have u guys seen this go on w ur spouses and feel the friends are somewhat responsible for the marriage crumbling or affair starting?


Three ruined marriages. In the end they are leaving wreckage behind in their lives, one they while look back on and regret.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Yes, they love to share the details with each other. They love the "DRAMA" and the excitement. It is less about the men they are involved with, and more about getting validation from their "cool" "with it" girlfriends, who they look up to.
> 
> This definitely played a big part in your wife's affair. Many cheaters seem like they are back in high school, and many affairs seem more like high school infatuations, crushes, while the cheaters believe it is true love. Very high school-ish. Same with these "cheerleader" girlfriends. It's a clique mentality. Very immature. They want to be in the "in" club with the "cool" girls who all the boys like.
> 
> This is not all affairs, but in your wife's case, this had a lot to do with it.



I agree with the high school b.s. U should have seen my wife from last april onward. No cellphone would have surely meant her life was over. 37 years old and acting like a bunch of 18 year old girls. Going to dance clubs where the women there are 20 years old, then they come home and complain how old they feel. then they have an affair with someone 15 years younger, which happens to be the age of her oldest son (15). How can they not see how ridiculous it all looks? She can be cool all she wants now, but in 5 yrs she isnt going to be looking too hot anymore. Enjoy!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

And ten or fifteen years down the road when she is wrinkled and too old too attract young men she is going to wish she had never left you. By then you will have long found a newer and better woman and completely forgotten her. Stupid, stupid woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

LostViking said:


> And ten or fifteen years down the road when she is wrinkled and too old too attract young men she is going to wish she had never left you. By then you will have long found a newer and better woman and completely forgotten her. Stupid, stupid woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thats what everyone has been telling me. It just makes no sense why she would throw everything away. I'll never understand.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes , people that have friends and/or family that cheat are far more likely to cheat. Many here have had parents that cheated, saw and felt the damage and still cheated.

Did she want to stay married? Was she going out without you? Finding a man is what GNOs are about.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My WS ran to her toxic friends after exposure, so called friends that she has not seen in over 30 years. That was in early 2012. I am not sure but all I believe they did was validate her behavior and my WS did not stop and in fact got involved with more men. Keep this in mind, my WS was telling them lies about me, that I was a homosexual, abusive, never there for her, etc, etc, so they never got the truth. 

My WS did the same thing with her family. And up until the last several weeks she had some of them fooled. Her entire family is now on the same page and only one is still talking to her. My WS got her older middle sister involved with online sex back in 1999.

I had toxic friends in the Army. I would go out with them to clubs and bars and hear all the stories. These were married men. Then they would go "hunting". When that started I would leave. I can't tell you how many times that happened. Germany, Pittsburg, Harrisburg, Philly, D.C., Kansas, Etc. Then I would hear the stories of how they "scored". 

I think it has to do with boundaries more than any thing. Sure friends can influence you but the decision to participate rests with the individual. I always walked away. Kept the friends and several of them are still in contact with me to this day but I will be dam*ed if I would get involved in their activities. Even if I was D today and I heading that way and single I would not get involved in what they are doing. Sure, I still have a beer or two with them but that would be it. 

Just shows how broken your WS is. Gets involved with new friends and goes to hel*. 

My oldest BIL was on a rant yesterday about his sister (my WS). He said, Mac, you need to ask her, "stack up your friends and what they are telling you, friends you have not seen or talked with in over 30 years. Then stack up your family who is now all on the same page with your husband and two sons, these are the people who really love you, know you and care for you. Who do you want to be with? Who will be with you when you are old and facing death? He said say to her, your mom and dad would be with the family and they would not be putting up with your crap. It is time to wake up.

He was not pressuring me to say this to her, he was just venting. He said she is not thining rationally anyway so nothing we say right now matters.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

In my case, the "cheerleader" was my eldest step-daughter. I still remember the text from her to my WH after he went NC, but was still foggy.
"I wish I could just text Carol and tell her to f'n give you up"
He has since made it very clear to his daughter that POSOW was the biggest mistake he ever made. I asked him why his daughter would think a woman who was a serial cheater was good for her dad, and he said "she's the same way".


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Yes, there are friends who are toxic and exacerbate such affairs.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Water does seek its own level


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Toxic friends definitely have an influence. A BAD influence.

My stbxw's lying started with her new friends (who she kept secret and completely separate from me and our family) and eventually led to an affair, with her toxic friends enabling/encouraging her all the way. 

BUT, people choose their own friends - so ultimately they are responsible for their own bad decisions.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I am kinda starting to wonder myself. After my discovering of my WW's A. I find out that her BFF had a A and her co worker that she is close with just up and left her husband, plus another co worker is going through a nasty divorce. The BFF's A happened a couple of years ago but the Co coworkers leaving her husband was in September along with the other co worker in June, then late October and through November my WS starts her A.. weird coincidence.. Plus hearing from my WW that her BFF told her that ever since her A that her marriage has never been any better. Only problem is that her husband rug swept it and never wanted to talk about it and move on. So her BFF never had any consequences. So in way my WS was expecting me to do the same thing.. Oh man was she ever wrong.. Thanks to this place, cause once i found out about TAM and was doing everything wrong blaming myself ect.. I learned that i needed to put my foot down and man up.. If not my WS was gonna rug sweep it completely and gas light me into submission..


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

You are known by the company you keep.


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## Playing Catch-Up (Apr 8, 2013)

betrayed2013 said:


> My wife and I are thru. We just sold the house one month after separtion, which followed one month after I found out about her ash mad account and prior affair.
> 
> My question is this....do u guys think that new found friends that seemingly go out of their way to cheat on their spouses have some kind of negative influence on how your spouse started to act right after they started hangin out?
> 
> For example, in my case, my wife was great to me for 9.5 years and I never thot in a million years she would have screwed me over. Then comes this girl tht she met at the gym who is six years younger. Within 5-6 months my wife goes all to hell on the marriage and questions everything, then has afffair. Friend also had affair months b4 they hung out and also did the ash mad thing. I just found out that she is seeing someone and her husband knos and they have an in house sep. going on. Then i found out ystrdy that another friend of my wifes from the gym who is a girl, also separated from her husband!!! Its like theyr'e doing it as a team! lol Wat a joke really, but have u guys seen this go on w ur spouses and feel the friends are somewhat responsible for the marriage crumbling or affair starting?


I think there is definitely something to this from what I've seen myself. The first time my WW was involved with someone else she definitely had "support" in that from a couple of good friends and possibly her mother. The next time, years later, was a situation much more of what you describe with her being cheered on by a social group of friends and colleagues. I don't think they thought it was okay, and even she complains today how much harm "they did" by encouraging her to step out. What's crazy to me is she still sees them as great friends. It was after a year of good behavior on her part that she picked up a new group of friends, five total, one of whom cheats opportunistically and one of whom seeks out regular long term affairs whenever possible. The others are supportive of this. Given her history and her insistence on hanging with these people I decided to read this site to head things off at the pass this time since I've obviously screwed it up the first few times.


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