# Starting All Over



## lonelyhusband321

How does a guy start all over after having given their life over to a relationship that failed completely after nearly 20 years?

Your entire life became one with theirs. Common friends, common perspectives, common interests, common EVERYTHING, and now it is over. Not pining or regretting anything that happened, but just wondering - what does a person do to start all over??


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## EleGirl

That's a good question. As we get older it's harder to find new people to rebuild a social life. So we have to put some effort out.

Find things to do that you enjoy. Take a look at meetup.com Look for things that you would enjoy doing in your area. Then go do them.

You say that you had common friends? Well surely some of those were men. You could invite one of those guys to do something.. play golf, fish, kayak (there are white water and kayak day trips on the meetup.com where I live).

Plan 1-2 things every week to do with someone.

Get on a good dating site and start meeting women to go out with.


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## lonelyhusband321

EleGirl said:


> That's a good question. As we get older it's harder to find new people to rebuild a social life. So we have to put some effort out.
> 
> Find things to do that you enjoy. Take a look at meetup.com Look for things that you would enjoy doing in your area. Then go do them.
> 
> You say that you had common friends? Well surely some of those were men. You could invite one of those guys to do something.. play golf, fish, kayak (there are white water and kayak day trips on the meetup.com where I live).
> 
> Plan 1-2 things every week to do with someone.
> 
> Get on a good dating site and start meeting women to go out with.


Good advice, Ele. I guess it's all about priorities.

In my life, immersion in my business has been my method of "dealing" with things.

It seems obvious (to me, at least) that there needs to be a little bit of spreading the importance.


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## dajam

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Good advice, Ele. I guess it's all about priorities.
> 
> In my ife, immersion in my business has been my method of "dealing" with things.
> 
> It seems obvious (to me, at least) that there needs to be a little bit of spreading the importance.



Well IMHO, diving into work does help..Sort of... However after my LTR of 25 I found it actually hurt. It is like pulling the cover over ones head. A good distraction, but counter productive. I am finding it harder now to switch gears from work to pleasure.


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## whitehawk

lt is about the most amazingly stop you dead in your tracks thing that can happen imo after so long . One of the biggest things for me to apart from the whole marriage family thing was we'd just spent 6yrs resettling in a new state . Nothing went right and it was the hardest 6yrs of our life. So to follow that with this , not great timing !
My time was about the same as yours ,so when it fell to bits there was pretty well nothing and no one .
l felt there was nothing left , nowhere to go, as if everything l worked for , went through, lived , was done and l really just could not see how l could live anything much from there. 18mths were horrific and so much to cope with , finish off,settle .
My daughter was really the only reason l kept moving .

Well, 2yrs now , house was sold , there wasn't much in it and that's almost gone. l do have two blocks of land still and l moved back to the coast and am renting right now for a break.
Been seeing a great girl for awhile but there are some big things on her side and around our kids , just not sure how we can sort it.
Apart from that l do live in a beautiful spot now but not much of a life outside of T and time with my daughter .
And it's expensive so to find myself struggling again , is very disheartening .
l have been trying to pick up on a few hobbies and stuff but with money and time , that hasn't gone too well .

So it's a mixed bag and l do wonder almost daily just wtf !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When my daughters a bit older l've been thinking about maybe moving a bit further away and starting over, buying again or something. Or maybe even trying to buy here , not sure yet.
So it's not exactly a good news answer to your story, still very much a work in progress for me but there are plenty of others here that have whole new lives .


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## Fenix

lonelyhusband, I had the same question but am a woman. Elegirl nailed it. I pretty much did a total shake up and moved across an ocean, used meetup.com extensively, networked heavily for everything- professional contacts, personal contacts etc. I am also still a work in process but have a good start. I have new friends, the old (joint) friends stayed with me. Now my focus is on creating a new vision of my future, both financially (what a killer that is!) and personally. Daunting and scary. Some days are great and some days are really low. 

One thing that has helped me is to find others that are in the same boat, or have just gone through it. Meetup was great for that. I have a pretty strong support network, that is brand new. I am so thankful for that.


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## Married but Happy

How does one start over? With enthusiasm, joy, curiosity, and confidence.

I ended my marriage after 24 years. I was excited about moving on, and couldn't wait to live my life the way I wanted. I hiked, biked, and did martial arts, all of which I loved. I enjoyed more time with my friends. I took courses, and meditated. I bought and furnished my own home to my liking. And I dated with a sense of curiosity and adventure. I even took my life-long dream trip to Asia.

Yes, there were occasional bouts of uncertainty or loneliness, but I just kept on and they became less and less, and the pluses more and more.

It was actually the very best time in my life physically, mentally, and socially. It was also the time when I met the true love of my life.


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## LBHmidwest

Married but Happy said:


> How does one start over? With enthusiasm, joy, curiosity, and confidence.
> 
> I ended my marriage after 24 years. I was excited about moving on, and couldn't wait to live my life the way I wanted. I hiked, biked, and did martial arts, all of which I loved. I enjoyed more time with my friends. I took courses, and meditated. I bought and furnished my own home to my liking. And I dated with a sense of curiosity and adventure. I even took my life-long dream trip to Asia.
> 
> Yes, there were occasional bouts of uncertainty or loneliness, but I just kept on and they became less and less, and the pluses more and more.
> 
> It was actually the very best time in my life physically, mentally, and socially. It was also the time when I met the true love of my life.


said the person that ended their marriage

He's in a different boat.


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## lonelyhusband321

Fenix said:


> lonelyhusband, I had the same question but am a woman. Elegirl nailed it. I pretty much did a total shake up and moved across an ocean, used meetup.com extensively, networked heavily for everything- professional contacts, personal contacts etc. I am also still a work in process but have a good start. I have new friends, the old (joint) friends stayed with me. Now my focus is on creating a new vision of my future, both financially (what a killer that is!) and personally. Daunting and scary. Some days are great and some days are really low.
> 
> One thing that has helped me is to find others that are in the same boat, or have just gone through it. Meetup was great for that. I have a pretty strong support network, that is brand new. I am so thankful for that.



Meetup seems to be a consensus place, Fenix. I am certainly going to try it. 

As far as a new vision, I'm all over that. My financial situation was increasingly bleak, but now has made a MAJOR leap forward. I am financially better off than at any time in the last 10 years - INCLUDING the big time alimony.

I just need to find the right blend of personal and professional, and the personal is what is lacking right now. I spend virtually all of my life on my career - except for the time that I spend with my son. That is pretty much the extent of my "personal" life right now - being with my son.

I'm fine with never finding the woman that will complete me, but just wonder what thngs will potentially lead to that.

I probably am making NO sense, but it would be great to have a complete life - one that includes a companion....


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## lonelyhusband321

dajam said:


> Well IMHO, diving into work does help..Sort of... However after my LTR of 25 I found it actually hurt. It is like pulling the cover over ones head. A good distraction, but counter productive. I am finding it harder now to switch gears from work to pleasure.


I feel what you're saying, dajam. A person has to have a focus in life, and mine has been my profession. Don't get me wrong - my relationship with my son trumps that, but that is pretty much the limit of my "personal" life.

Tough situation! It almost feels like one life or the other has to be priority....


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## poppyseed

dajam said:


> Well IMHO, diving into work does help..Sort of... However after my LTR of 25 I found it actually hurt. It is like pulling the cover over ones head. A good distraction, but counter productive. I am finding it harder now to switch gears from work to pleasure.


Interesting. I dated someone fairly recently. This chap was interesting to begin with but I started to notice his conversation revolved around his work and more work and even more work and quite often needing my input to better his business decisions. It seemed he had nothing else to say except about his work and his pets.

In the end, I decided I didn't need a workaholic or someone who talks nothing but talks about his work and future plans.


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## 3Xnocharm

lonelyhusband321 said:


> How does a guy start all over after having given their life over to a relationship that failed completely after nearly 20 years?
> 
> Your entire life became one with theirs. Common friends, common perspectives, common interests, common EVERYTHING, and now it is over. Not pining or regretting anything that happened, but just wondering - what does a person do to start all over??


Start by figuring out YOU. After living with someone else all those years, figure out how YOU like things. Silly things, like, setting the thermostat for YOUR comfort. Arranging your furniture or kitchen cabinets YOUR way. Do your laundry on your own schedule, go grocery shopping at midnight, watch YOUR favorite shows on tv, stock up on the junk food that you love, have breakfast for dinner if thats what you like, turn your basement into a home gym. These may sound kinda dumb, but having had your life merged with someone else for so long, its easy to lose sight of those little things for yourself. 

Once you start doing the little things, you can start expanding into the bigger things that will take you into a new social life.


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## dajam

poppyseed said:


> Interesting. I dated someone fairly recently. This chap was interesting to begin with but I started to notice his conversation revolved around his work and more work and even more work and quite often needing my input to better his business decisions. It seemed he had nothing else to say except about his work and his pets.
> 
> In the end, I decided I didn't need a workaholic or someone who talks nothing but talks about his work and future plans.


No worries here about that type of talk... lol.. I try never to talk about work outside of work. However folks always want to know about the internals of Casino gaming. 

Finding someone who wants to dive into just life in general would be awesome. Work to live... Not live to work.


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## lonelyhusband321

poppyseed said:


> Interesting. I dated someone fairly recently. This chap was interesting to begin with but I started to notice his conversation revolved around his work and more work and even more work and quite often needing my input to better his business decisions. It seemed he had nothing else to say except about his work and his pets.
> 
> In the end, I decided I didn't need a workaholic or someone who talks nothing but talks about his work and future plans.


That's the guy I don't want to become, Poppy. 

I am going hard at a brand new startup business - not entirely as a distraction, but partially so. I really want it to succeed, and the only way is through hard work - and lots of it

There are just so many things that all seem to be "priority one" that it gets to be overwhelming. I am doing all the things that I know how to do, but it just seems like minutes turn into hours, then days and that having any social life winds up perpetually on the back burner.

Life is just too short to live as a one-dimensional person.


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## lonelyhusband321

dajam said:


> No worries here about that type of talk... lol.. I try never to talk about work outside of work. However folks always want to know about the internals of Casino gaming.
> 
> Finding someone who wants to dive into just life in general would be awesome. *Work to live... Not live to work*.


That is absolutely the way to think of things. 

There is so much more to life, but to succeed at something one must give it their all. Otherwise there's no reason to do it.

I wish someone ould invent a 36 hour clock, instead of the standard 24...LOL.


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## lonelyhusband321

3Xnocharm said:


> Start by figuring out YOU. After living with someone else all those years, figure out how YOU like things. Silly things, like, setting the thermostat for YOUR comfort. Arranging your furniture or kitchen cabinets YOUR way. Do your laundry on your own schedule, go grocery shopping at midnight, watch YOUR favorite shows on tv, stock up on the junk food that you love, have breakfast for dinner if thats what you like, turn your basement into a home gym. These may sound kinda dumb, but having had your life merged with someone else for so long, its easy to lose sight of those little things for yourself.
> 
> Once you start doing the little things, you can start expanding into the bigger things that will take you into a new social life.


Good things, 3X.

Those things don't sound dumb at all. They sound like a pragmatic plan to set yourself free. Free of the past and the enslavement of what "was". To plot a brand new course that leads wherever it leads.

Every day is a brand new life, in reality. It's just a matter of figuring out how to have a new beginning that gives some general direction.


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## Thor

EleGirl said:


> Find things to do that you enjoy. Take a look at meetup.com Look for things that you would enjoy doing in your area. Then go do them..


A good suggestion. I just spent the last hour on meetup and signed up for 5 different groups. The variety of groups available is amazing.

Now to find the time to do some of those!


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## lonelyhusband321

Thor said:


> A good suggestion. I just spent the last hour on meetup and signed up for 5 different groups. The variety of groups available is amazing.
> 
> Now to find the time to do some of those!


Sounds like we're sort of in the same boat, Thor.

I just finished a 14 hour day, myself. Now for a little bit of TAM, check e-mails, a quick bite with a glass of cabernet and then lights out...


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## SamuraiJack

Hey OP,
One of the first things I did was to make some changes to my environment. I got rid of the massive grey sleeper sectional and got new furniture. I got myself a recliner ( AKA “The Green Hole”) and got rid of my marriage bed frame. Got some new pieces and I have been slowly working on my house. I’m just about finished with the downstairs apartment where my wife and I lived for 2 ½ years. Painted all the raw trim white and picked some sunny neutrals. Really livens up the place and has pretty much erased the ex’s memory from the place.
Then I started doing all the things she wouldn’t sign off on. 
Got a hot tub. 
Got a motorcycle. ( Hey look Hunny! I’m just another fat guy on a bike!!!...except I lost weight and black is slimming…too bad for you.)
Bikes are great therapy because it forces you to be “in the moment”. 

The thing is you have to make the changes YOU want to see. 
Never liked that backsplash? 
Screw it! Rip it out. Put in one YOU like.
Cover your bathroom floor with pennies…
Paint your bedroom outlandish colors…
Bring home strange women and have sex with them on EVERY piece of furniture you have…just don’t break any hearts.

In the end, you need to be able to be master of your space.
This will go a long way towards feeling in control and in a better space.
Once you have that piece of control, it begins to get easier.
Control over your environment is empowering and you have more energy to help lay things to rest.
Then it’s just a question of keeping the circle going.

The friends part will be interesting.
Sometimes they shun you because they are afraid that divorce is like Ebola…they might get some on them…
But a few of your friends will stick with you. Be good to them.

Mostly the rebuild is time and patience with yourself.
If you backslide or have a trigger moment…don’t get all down on yourself.
Just smile a little and say “whoa…that came out of nowhere.” 
Breathe.
Realize where it came from and put a sticky note on that trigger.

Look for opportunities to laugh.
Definitely work on your cooking skills….trust me.
I was good before…now I’m fearless….except for liver…still fear the liver…

Above all else, be good to yourself.
Yes, you are now divorced.
It doesn’t mean you are any better, worse or damaged than anyone here or there.
Sometimes these things happen.

Use a clean glass, bath your dog, hug your kids and generally allow yourself to be loved and appreciated…especially from yourself.
Did that T-shirt make you laugh? Buy it!
You are craving a pastrami and herring sandwich? Got get one!
Wanna binge watch Science channel? Go for it!

You will eventually settle into an equilibrium and suddenly the periods of peace will start getting longer.
Then you can settle in in a much more loving pattern with the only person in the world you can trust 100%.
Yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm

Excellent post, SJ!


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## lonelyhusband321

SamuraiJack said:


> Hey OP,
> One of the first things I did was to make some changes to my environment. I got rid of the massive grey sleeper sectional and got new furniture. I got myself a recliner ( AKA “The Green Hole”) and got rid of my marriage bed frame. Got some new pieces and I have been slowly working on my house. I’m just about finished with the downstairs apartment where my wife and I lived for 2 ½ years. Painted all the raw trim white and picked some sunny neutrals. Really livens up the place and has pretty much erased the ex’s memory from the place.
> Then I started doing all the things she wouldn’t sign off on.
> Got a hot tub.
> Got a motorcycle. ( Hey look Hunny! I’m just another fat guy on a bike!!!...except I lost weight and black is slimming…too bad for you.)
> Bikes are great therapy because it forces you to be “in the moment”. 
> 
> The thing is you have to make the changes YOU want to see.
> Never liked that backsplash?
> Screw it! Rip it out. Put in one YOU like.
> Cover your bathroom floor with pennies…
> Paint your bedroom outlandish colors…
> Bring home strange women and have sex with them on EVERY piece of furniture you have…just don’t break any hearts.
> 
> In the end, you need to be able to be master of your space.
> This will go a long way towards feeling in control and in a better space.
> Once you have that piece of control, it begins to get easier.
> Control over your environment is empowering and you have more energy to help lay things to rest.
> Then it’s just a question of keeping the circle going.
> 
> The friends part will be interesting.
> Sometimes they shun you because they are afraid that divorce is like Ebola…they might get some on them…
> But a few of your friends will stick with you. Be good to them.
> 
> Mostly the rebuild is time and patience with yourself.
> If you backslide or have a trigger moment…don’t get all down on yourself.
> Just smile a little and say “whoa…that came out of nowhere.”
> Breathe.
> Realize where it came from and put a sticky note on that trigger.
> 
> Look for opportunities to laugh.
> Definitely work on your cooking skills….trust me.
> I was good before…now I’m fearless….except for liver…still fear the liver…
> 
> Above all else, be good to yourself.
> Yes, you are now divorced.
> It doesn’t mean you are any better, worse or damaged than anyone here or there.
> Sometimes these things happen.
> 
> Use a clean glass, bath your dog, hug your kids and generally allow yourself to be loved and appreciated…especially from yourself.
> Did that T-shirt make you laugh? Buy it!
> You are craving a pastrami and herring sandwich? Got get one!
> Wanna binge watch Science channel? Go for it!
> 
> You will eventually settle into an equilibrium and suddenly the periods of peace will start getting longer.
> Then you can settle in in a much more loving pattern with the only person in the world you can trust 100%.
> Yourself.


I just might do that, Samurai....ALL of that.

The point is very well taken!


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## Ynot

I think a common theme that runs through a lot of the responses needs to be highlighted - beyond figuring out what you like, find out what you did NOT like and change them. I am in the same boat as some of you LTR of 25 years ended by a WAW. I am still sorting thru the debris of our common existence, but every day I come across some flotsam of the past that reminds me of things I didn't like. 
All of the vacation pics of us at the beach on vacation? Good times for sure. But I ALWAYS wanted to go to the mountains or the desert. So yes the vacations were enjoyable, but they were definitely not the ones I would have chosen. And then even when we were there - she just wanted to lie on the beach - all day, every day. She never even got in the water!
My point is move away from the things you dislike. You know what you don't want, but you may be surprised to find something you never thought!


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## whitehawk

Great opportunity to tackle that new business to anyway really.Your time and focus is your own . Do a long day , so what go home and spoil yourself afterwards . No demands or guilt trips , it can be damn nice.
And whos to say that while building the business , you don't just bump into somebody new anyway along the line somewhere.Could be stopping in for milk on your way home , who knows . 
Building a business is pretty hard on a couple , even destroying but now , you don't have to worry about that one at least :smthumbup:.


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## lonelyhusband321

whitehawk said:


> Great opportunity to tackle that new business to anyway really.Your time and focus is your own . Do a long day , so what go home and spoil yourself afterwards . No demands or guilt trips , it can be damn nice.
> And whos to say that while building the business , you don't just bump into somebody new anyway along the line somewhere.Could be stopping in for milk on your way home , who knows .
> Building a business is pretty hard on a couple , even destroying but now , you don't have to worry about that one at least :smthumbup:.


Good thoughts, hawk.

That's my main focus right now - other than spending as much time as I can with my son.

I am almost forced to hire someone already, but just not quite ready fiscally. My business is all about "billable hours", and right now, I am getting between 60 and 72 billable hours a week. I'm actually turning some away for the moment, because I don't want to overcommit. 

That's great for the wallet, and it gives me a lot to keep my mind "right". Hopefully I will be able to bank enough in the next few months so that I will be able to hire someone and give myself a little "free time" for additional marketing.

It feels kind of like building a campfire. The more wood you put on it, the faster it burns, and so you have to gather wood faster and faster. That might not make any sense, but it is a great feeling to actually HAVE a big fire again...


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## whitehawk

Sounds like it's gonna be a great fire LH.
l reckon why not , take sometime out and go for it . l mean we can't do everything and starting a business is pretty full on but it's also very very satisfying so that will all be really helpful to you in all sorts of ways through this. 

Here's ironic. l work for myself to and at home and alone to boot, And then l have my d on wk/ends and like you , no way l'm giving any of our time up .
So l basically haven't really had a personal life or zero friends after our separation and no time either .
But , while me and my d have been hanging out , kicking round down the beach together or generally just hanging about enjoying ourselves , l've met 3 different women on those wkends.
2 down the beach with my d and one through one of my daughters friends which l've actually been seeing now for awhile :smthumbup:

So it just goes to show really , things can still happen.


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## bandit.45

Weed...huge bags of it...

That's what keeps me going.


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## SamuraiJack

bandit.45 said:


> Weed...huge bags of it...
> 
> That's what keeps me going.


Your lawn must be immaculate....


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## bandit.45

SamuraiJack said:


> Your lawn must be immaculate....


Like a carpet.


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## bandit.45

...flick....flick....


...puff...puff....puff....


Hhhhhhhsssssssssssssssssswwwiiiiiiiiiiip...........



Mmmmmmmm.....:corkysm60:


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## Wolf1974

lonelyhusband321 said:


> How does a guy start all over after having given their life over to a relationship that failed completely after nearly 20 years?
> 
> Your entire life became one with theirs. Common friends, common perspectives, common interests, common EVERYTHING, and now it is over. Not pining or regretting anything that happened, but just wondering - what does a person do to start all over??


I think a lot of times guys in particular think this is race and all has to be done now...it doesn't. 3 years out from divorce I still live in what was our marital house and still have some pans, dishware and furniture that I had when we were married. I am in process completely to revamped the house to make it my own but his has been a process over time. With each little change it feels more like I distance myself from the past and that's a good thing. Keep your interests and friends but....and I cant state this enough, find new interests and make some new friends as well. This will help you make your new identity

My identity now is nothing like it was 4 years ago. Still a father, still have my job, still a great friend but other things are different in my life and that took time.


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## Hardtohandle

Therapy...


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## toonaive

3Xnocharm said:


> Start by figuring out YOU. After living with someone else all those years, figure out how YOU like things. Silly things, like, setting the thermostat for YOUR comfort. Arranging your furniture or kitchen cabinets YOUR way. Do your laundry on your own schedule, go grocery shopping at midnight, watch YOUR favorite shows on tv, stock up on the junk food that you love, have breakfast for dinner if thats what you like, turn your basement into a home gym. These may sound kinda dumb, but having had your life merged with someone else for so long, its easy to lose sight of those little things for yourself.
> 
> Once you start doing the little things, you can start expanding into the bigger things that will take you into a new social life.


This!.:lol: You no longer have to ask or include someone else in your decisions. Get selfish, and bring your, real self, back to the surface. Who were you before you got married, and eventually became lonleyhusband321? Go back to that guy, add your extra years of knowledge and experience, become someone new. You have a chance to reinvent yourself, in time you will easily make new friends. But, as said before, the operative word is YOU.


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## PAgirl

3Xnocharm said:


> Start by figuring out YOU. After living with someone else all those years, figure out how YOU like things. Silly things, like, setting the thermostat for YOUR comfort. Arranging your furniture or kitchen cabinets YOUR way. Do your laundry on your own schedule, go grocery shopping at midnight, watch YOUR favorite shows on tv, stock up on the junk food that you love, have breakfast for dinner if thats what you like, turn your basement into a home gym. These may sound kinda dumb, but having had your life merged with someone else for so long, its easy to lose sight of those little things for yourself.
> 
> Once you start doing the little things, you can start expanding into the bigger things that will take you into a new social life.


GREAT Advice! If there are nights at home when you feel lonely, play music. That has helped greatly for me. I will even be dancing in my kitchen while cleaning dishes! lol


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## Paradise

Wolf1974 said:


> I think a lot of times guys in particular think this is race and all has to be done now...it doesn't. 3 years out from divorce I still live in what was our marital house and still have some pans, dishware and furniture that I had when we were married. I am in process completely to revamped the house to make it my own but his has been a process over time. With each little change it feels more like I distance myself from the past and that's a good thing. Keep your interests and friends but....and I cant state this enough, find new interests and make some new friends as well. This will help you make your new identity
> 
> *My identity now is nothing like it was 4 years ago. Still a father, still have my job, still a great friend but other things are different in my life and that took time*.


This :iagree:

I look back on who I was 4 years ago and I can't even recognize that fella. Life changes. Some good and some bad but we are in control of what we make of it. 

I'm finding that little set-backs pale in comparison to what I have gone through with my divorce and things that use to really bother me now seem almost comical. One thing I am certain about...I am a MUCH better man than I was 4 years ago. SOme lady is going to be really lucky when I decide I'm ready to settle down again.


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## TheGoodGuy

Wolf1974 said:


> I think a lot of times guys in particular think this is race and all has to be done now...it doesn't. 3 years out from divorce I still live in what was our marital house and still have some pans, dishware and furniture that I had when we were married. I am in process completely to revamped the house to make it my own but his has been a process over time. With each little change it feels more like I distance myself from the past and that's a good thing. Keep your interests and friends but....and I cant state this enough, find new interests and make some new friends as well. This will help you make your new identity
> 
> My identity now is nothing like it was 4 years ago. Still a father, still have my job, still a great friend but other things are different in my life and that took time.


Our stories are very similar. Couldn't agree more.


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## lonelyhusband321

Wolf1974 said:


> *I think a lot of times guys in particular think this is race and all has to be done now...it doesn't.* 3 years out from divorce I still live in what was our marital house and still have some pans, dishware and furniture that I had when we were married. I am in process completely to revamped the house to make it my own but his has been a process over time. With each little change it feels more like I distance myself from the past and that's a good thing. Keep your interests and friends but....and I cant state this enough, find new interests and make some new friends as well. This will help you make your new identity
> 
> My identity now is nothing like it was 4 years ago. Still a father, still have my job, still a great friend but other things are different in my life and that took time.


You're right, Wolf! That's how my mind has been.

It feels sort of like is punishing me, when I haven't done anything wrong. I guess that's why it feels like it should be over and done with.

I'm sort of new at it, but the "good moments" are certainly starting to outnumber the bad ones, but the bad ones are still there....and still bad!

I just want to put ALL of it behind and start a new, happy life!

I know that four or five years from now, I will be feeling exactly like you and a couple others have expressed - it just sort of sucks right now.

Gotta get back to the "billable hours" now. Saturday is a great time to get "extra hours" in - so that I can spend tomorrow with my son....


----------



## lonelyhusband321

For what it's worth, the last couple of weeks have felt like a complete loss of all the gains.

Sleepless nights - thinking about what was, and about how things won't ever be the same as they once were.

My son let me know today that, in his mind, I am the one who "...ruined things...".

"Mom had very right to have someone who would understand..." and so on.

Wow!!

Temporary setback (I hope)....


----------



## Openminded

Yes, it's just a temporary setback. Expect those ups and downs to continue for awhile and that way you aren't caught off guard when you hit a dip. They became fewer and fewer as time goes on.


----------



## vn1955

I have the same question. How do you start again? Not yet completely divorced, but marriage of 19 yrs is in the process of ending. Went to a restaurant today for the first time by myself. Kids are with their dad this weekend. Sitting at home watching movies. Gotta say it's a little relaxing. Gonna try meetup.com also. Not there yet, but taking that step soon. What makes it harder to move forward is not having many friends that are single. Most, if not all, my friends are married with kids. 

It's frustrating when my stbx has moved on so fast. I'm heartbroken and missing my kids, while he's out enjoying life. Gotta keep pushing forward...We'll all get there.


----------



## Tobyboy

lonelyhusband321 said:


> For what it's worth, the last couple of weeks have felt like a complete loss of all the gains.
> 
> Sleepless nights - thinking about what was, and about how things won't ever be the same as they once were.
> 
> My son let me know today that, in his mind, I am the one who "...ruined things...".
> 
> "Mom had very right to have someone who would understand..." and so on.
> 
> Wow!!
> 
> Temporary setback (I hope)....


Those sound like words coming out of your xw mouth!!
Wtf is she telling your son???

It might be time for a man to man talk about what really went down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

lonelyhusband321 said:


> How does a guy start all over after having given their life over to a relationship that failed completely after nearly 20 years?


By taking it one day at a time.

There is no magic pill.


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## SamuraiJack

vn1955 said:


> I have the same question. How do you start again? Not yet completely divorced, but marriage of 19 yrs is in the process of ending. Went to a restaurant today for the first time by myself. Kids are with their dad this weekend. Sitting at home watching movies. Gotta say it's a little relaxing. Gonna try meetup.com also. Not there yet, but taking that step soon. What makes it harder to move forward is not having many friends that are single. Most, if not all, my friends are married with kids.
> 
> It's frustrating when my stbx has moved on so fast. I'm heartbroken and missing my kids, while he's out enjoying life. Gotta keep pushing forward...We'll all get there.


Knowledge and self insight is the salve... 
Gentleness with yourself is the bandage...
Time...time is the one thing that remains true.


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## lonelyhusband321

Tobyboy said:


> Those sound like words coming out of your xw mouth!!
> Wtf is she telling your son???
> 
> It might be time for a man to man talk about what really went down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey, Toby!

Those words DO sound like hers - absolutely. I guess living in the "defense attorney's" house 24-7 makes a case for the defendant.

We've had the talk about what really went down, but his take (actually his mom's take by proxy) is basically that if mom didn't leave me for this guy, she's not guilty of anything.

My guess is that at the ripe old age of 14, things like honor, dignity, commitment, supporting each other and keeping vows are still sort of "concepts".

I know he will see it for what i is - in time....


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## lonelyhusband321

vn1955 said:


> I have the same question. How do you start again? Not yet completely divorced, but marriage of 19 yrs is in the process of ending. Went to a restaurant today for the first time by myself. Kids are with their dad this weekend. Sitting at home watching movies. Gotta say it's a little relaxing. Gonna try meetup.com also. Not there yet, but taking that step soon. What makes it harder to move forward is not having many friends that are single. Most, if not all, my friends are married with kids.
> 
> It's frustrating when my stbx has moved on so fast. I'm heartbroken and missing my kids, while he's out enjoying life. Gotta keep pushing forward...We'll all get there.


It has kind of an empty feeling, doesn't it?

In time, we will BOTH be fine and when it is behind us, it will seem like a short time. For now, though - right now, it just seems like every minute that isn't filled with pushing away working turns to silent reflection.

The toughest part (for me, anyway) is fighting away self-pity. I know all this hurts, but we can't let it get us down!!

Hang in there, vn. Keep in touch, and we can help each other through...


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## Nucking Futs

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Hey, Toby!
> 
> Those words DO sound like hers - absolutely. I guess living in the "defense attorney's" house 24-7 makes a case for the defendant.
> 
> We've had the talk about what really went down, but his take (actually his mom's take by proxy) is basically that if mom didn't leave me for this guy, she's not guilty of anything.
> 
> My guess is that at the ripe old age of 14, things like honor, dignity, commitment, supporting each other and keeping vows are still sort of "concepts".
> 
> I know he will see it for what i is - in time....


You need to read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome. It might be worth revisiting who has custody of your son.

It's possible that she doesn't realize the harm she's doing, so providing her some literature about PAS and warning her that if she doesn't stop you will sue for full custody may be all it takes.


----------



## Tobyboy

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Hey, Toby!
> 
> Those words DO sound like hers - absolutely. I guess living in the "defense attorney's" house 24-7 makes a case for the defendant.
> 
> We've had the talk about what really went down, but his take (actually his mom's take by proxy) is basically that if mom didn't leave me for this guy, she's not guilty of anything.
> 
> My guess is that at the ripe old age of 14, things like honor, dignity, commitment, supporting each other and keeping vows are still sort of "concepts".
> 
> *I know he will see it for what i is - in time.*...


Oh...he will. You just keep being the great dad that you are and he'll be just fine!!!!


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## lonelyhusband321

Nucking Futs said:


> You need to read up on Parental Alienation Syndrome. It might be worth revisiting who has custody of your son.
> 
> It's possible that she doesn't realize the harm she's doing, so providing her some literature about PAS and warning her that if she doesn't stop you will sue for full custody may be all it takes.


That's a helluvan idea, NF!!


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## Nucking Futs

lonelyhusband321 said:


> That's a helluvan ide, NF!!


Well, I'm a helluva guy. 

But seriously, keep us in the loop. I've never personally dealt with PAS but there are people here who have.


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## SamuraiJack

At the tender age of 14 he is probably too young to see what is actually going on. It may be a little early for a man to man. At that age boys still idealize their mother, especially if she is using toxic bonding tricks with them.
I would respond with "Well Son, If you ever want to hear MY side of things, you know where you can find me. I'll tell you the unvarnished truth and let you come to your own conclusions on what is what."
Then just drop it and keep on doing the good dad thing. Act like he never even said it. 

Eventually, the shine will wear off of his new situation and things will start to look "off" to him.
Then he will come to you.
Tell him the truth.
Tell it gently and above all , calmly.
Let him come to his own conclusions.

Dont forget to remind him that there are always three sides to every story. His, Hers and what really happened. That one phrase opens the possibility for him to NOT have to choose between parents and will give him a sense of freedom.
Suddenly you are a great dad.

He may ask"Dad, is that really what happened?"
You say " Son, I cant be 100% sure, but that was what it was like from my end, so thats the way I have to play it out. You are a good young man and you can come to YOUR OWN conclusions about what happened, and I will always answer you with 100% truth. No BS."

Above all else, tell him the truth and give him the respect he needs to make his mind up. It will do WONDERS for your relationship with him.

Flashy stuff eventually gets tiresome and people start to see through the BS. It may take years, but if you stay true to yourself, he will seek you out.

Good luck!


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## Nucking Futs

You might also point out that while his mother feels entitled to behave that way it broke up both marriages, not just yours. Clearly the OMW agreed with you.


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## lonelyhusband321

SamuraiJack said:


> At the tender age of 14 he is probably too young to see what is actually going on. It may be a little early for a man to man. At that age boys still idealize their mother, especially if she is using toxic bonding tricks with them.
> I would respond with "Well Son, If you ever want to hear MY side of things, you know where you can find me. I'll tell you the unvarnished truth and let you come to your own conclusions on what is what."
> Then just drop it and keep on doing the good dad thing. Act like he never even said it.
> 
> Eventually, the shine will wear off of his new situation and things will start to look "off" to him.
> Then he will come to you.
> Tell him the truth.
> Tell it gently and above all , calmly.
> Let him come to his own conclusions.
> 
> Dont forget to remind him that there are always three sides to every story. His, Hers and what really happened. That one phrase opens the possibility for him to NOT have to choose between parents and will give him a sense of freedom.
> Suddenly you are a great dad.
> 
> He may ask"Dad, is that really what happened?"
> You say " Son, I cant be 100% sure, but that was what it was like from my end, so thats the way I have to play it out. You are a good young man and you can come to YOUR OWN conclusions about what happened, and I will always answer you with 100% truth. No BS."
> 
> Above all else, tell him the truth and give him the respect he needs to make his mind up. It will do WONDERS for your relationship with him.
> 
> Flashy stuff eventually gets tiresome and people start to see through the BS. It may take years, but if you stay true to yourself, he will seek you out.
> 
> Good luck!


Good stuff, Samurai.

I basically answered him that way - trying to keep him as uninvolved as possible. I absolutely don't want to get into the "Oh yeah? Well your mom sucks." drill - using him as a battering ram back at her.

It's strange how easy it is to keep calm and collected whtn that sort of stuff comes up. I really do feel a deep-seated need to keep him out, and NOT to "mom-bash".

In time, his maturity will pull back the curtains on exactly what mom is doing, I believe and he will see all of this for exactly what it is.


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## Hopelessus

I am in the middle of a separation. I really feel too busy in my life to worry about finding another person. It may be in future, but I am not looking. Honestly I have more important things in my life. I have work, my kids, running a house, etc. I am trying to work with all that while trying to figure out whats really important to me and what will make me happy. Life cannot stop because of a bump in the road. The road keeps going.


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## EnigmaGirl

> Good stuff, Samurai.
> 
> I basically answered him that way - trying to keep him as uninvolved as possible. I absolutely don't want to get into the "Oh yeah? Well your mom sucks." drill - using him as a battering ram back at her.
> 
> It's strange how easy it is to keep calm and collected whtn that sort of stuff comes up. I really do feel a deep-seated need to keep him out, and NOT to "mom-bash".
> 
> In time, his maturity will pull back the curtains on exactly what mom is doing, I believe and he will see all of this for exactly what it is.


Kudos...totally agree with this.

I know this will probably sound terrible but I loved getting divorced. It was tough at first because it was really rough legally but once I got through the custody stuff and got my kids over the shock...I started realizing I was finally getting out of my marriage and I was soooo happy. The day I signed the paperwork on my new house, I was bouncing off the walls ecstatic.

There's just so many things that I couldn't do with my ex that I could do now without someone criticizing my every move. The first night in my new house, I ate peanut butter out of the jar in panties and a tank top while listening to loud music and drinking beer. All things I couldn't do while married. It just felt like I could finally breathe again. 

I think you just have to take it slow...make a list of the things you want to do before you croak, prioritize it and just start doing 'em even if they're a bit out of your comfort zone.


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## LongWalk

When I got divorced I went hiking in the woods and walked along the wooded shoreline. When I got sweaty I dove in for a swim. By the end of the summer I felt like myself again. The stress of failure no longer filled my thoughts.


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## lonelyhusband321

Hopelessus said:


> I am in the middle of a separation. I really feel too busy in my life to worry about finding another person. It may be in future, but I am not looking. Honestly I have more important things in my life. I have work, my kids, running a house, etc. I am trying to work with all that while trying to figure out whats really important to me and what will make me happy. Life cannot stop because of a bump in the road. The road keeps going.


Absolutely!

Things will happen on their OWN timetable. Rushing into things is how people become three and our time divorcees....


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## lonelyhusband321

EnigmaGirl said:


> Kudos...totally agree with this.
> 
> I know this will probably sound terrible but I loved getting divorced. It was tough at first because it was really rough legally but once I got through the custody stuff and got my kids over the shock...I started realizing I was finally getting out of my marriage and I was soooo happy. The day I signed the paperwork on my new house, I was bouncing off the walls ecstatic.
> 
> There's just so many things that I couldn't do with my ex that I could do now without someone criticizing my every move. The first night in my new house, *I ate peanut butter out of the jar in panties and a tank top while listening to loud music and drinking beer*. All things I couldn't do while married. It just felt like I could finally breathe again.
> 
> *I think you just have to take it slow*...make a list of the things you want to do before you croak, prioritize it and just start doing 'em even if they're a bit out of your comfort zone.


Peanut butter out of the jar (wardrobe aside) is a hoot! sometimes, I even leave the spoon in now...

Taking it slow is spot on. I can't expect EVER to be happy "with someone" unless I can be happy "without anyone"!

It will come in time - and I believe it will be when I least expect it, and from a completely obscure place...


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## Hopelessus

First, you took the first step in healing. You reached out. It has been very helpful to me to express my feelings and see and feel I am not alone. 
Second, the memories will never fade. I am trying. I have had many many restless nights recently. Being busy with friends, my kids and just enjoying my free time has been my comfort. It is giving me time to reflect. Time to see what went wrong, how it could have been prevented and if it was ever worth saving. I see things so different now. I don't think it could have been prevented. My whole relationship I felt like a room mate rather than a married couple. I don't know how long it will take to actually move on, but I look forward to it.


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## Hopelessus

Fenix what exactly is Meetup.com? Is it a place for people to just get together and start as friends or is it dive right in there kinda site? I would love to "make friends" with someone in the same situation, but totally not ready to move on with a relationship.


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## Hopelessus

Oh I found it. I actually signed up for that in the past,but nothing is going on.


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## lonelyhusband321

Hopelessus said:


> First, you took the first step in healing. You reached out. It has been very helpful to me to express my feelings and see and feel I am not alone.
> Second, the memories will never fade. I am trying. I have had many many restless nights recently. Being busy with friends, my kids and just enjoying my free time has been my comfort. It is giving me time to reflect. Time to see what went wrong, how it could have been prevented and if it was ever worth saving. I see things so different now. I don't think it could have been prevented. My whole relationship I felt like a room mate rather than a married couple. I don't know how long it will take to actually move on, but I look forward to it.


Been there - done that with the restless nights.

Just for me (maybe you are the same), thinking over and over about what went wrong, et cetera just bogged me down.

I believe that there is an "event" that happens that sort of wakes us from our sleep (so to speak). For me it was one thing, for you maybe another, but I truly believe that there will be an "awakening" of sorts, and that you will be just fine after that.

It's a tough road, but one you can't avoid....

Hang in there!!!


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## Hopelessus

Yeah Poppy. It's great that you met someone, but I feel like I would be on the side of the one spitting out every sentence with the word kids in it. How do I steer clear of that?


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## SamuraiJack

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Good stuff, Samurai.
> 
> I basically answered him that way - trying to keep him as uninvolved as possible. I absolutely don't want to get into the "Oh yeah? Well your mom sucks." drill - using him as a battering ram back at her.
> 
> It's strange how easy it is to keep calm and collected whtn that sort of stuff comes up. I really do feel a deep-seated need to keep him out, and NOT to "mom-bash".
> 
> In time, his maturity will pull back the curtains on exactly what mom is doing, I believe and he will see all of this for exactly what it is.


Just to follow up on the kid thing...

Its been four years since the ex announced and a long hard road. I have kept my mouth shut as much as I could with two exceptions.
I always corrected the kids about the concept of "Mom and Dad got divorced" versus the truth of "Mom divorced Dad."
I always apologize for their having to go through it and assure them that I did the best I could with what I was given.

The kids have always been okay with those two items and have accepted them. The oldest, who was a staunch defender of her mother in the beginning has tapered off and actually asked me for advice on several matters. 
Came to me about birth control...before her mother.

The youngest, my shining jewel, 12 going on 65, sees right through everything and has even gone so far as to postulate that the exes mother had taken my place in the family.
It was just a few weeks ago when I gave her the history of her grandmothers marriages. She had never been told that her grandmother had multiple marriages. She was sitting in the car and we were talking about the marriage and how things came down and then she help up her hand and went. 
"So....Dad...dont get upset for saying this but...basically grandma is mom's husband."

I just bust out laughing because only my youngest could take such a difficult concept as iconic replacement and distill it down so effortlessly.

Give the young man time to make up his mind...he will see what is right, wrong, and off. 
All it will take is some simple respect and not placing him in a position where he is forced to choose. 

In the meantime enjoy who he is, no matter what the mood, because his time of being young will pass by in the blink of an eye.


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## Chuck71

LH321.... how are things?


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## lonelyhusband321

SamuraiJack said:


> Just to follow up on the kid thing...
> 
> Its been four years since the ex announced and a long hard road. I have kept my mouth shut as much as I could with two exceptions.
> I always corrected the kids about the concept of "Mom and Dad got divorced" versus the truth of "Mom divorced Dad."
> I always apologize for their having to go through it and assure them that I did the best I could with what I was given.
> 
> The kids have always been okay with those two items and have accepted them. The oldest, who was a staunch defender of her mother in the beginning has tapered off and actually asked me for advice on several matters.
> Came to me about birth control...before her mother.
> 
> The youngest, my shining jewel, 12 going on 65, sees right through everything and has even gone so far as to postulate that the exes mother had taken my place in the family.
> It was just a few weeks ago when I gave her the history of her grandmothers marriages. She had never been told that her grandmother had multiple marriages. She was sitting in the car and we were talking about the marriage and how things came down and then she help up her hand and went.
> "So....Dad...dont get upset for saying this but...basically grandma is mom's husband."
> 
> I just bust out laughing because only my youngest could take such a difficult concept as iconic replacement and distill it down so effortlessly.
> 
> Give the young man time to make up his mind...he will see what is right, wrong, and off.
> All it will take is some simple respect and not placing him in a position where he is forced to choose.
> 
> In the meantime enjoy who he is, no matter what the mood, because *his time of being young will pass by in the blink of an eye*.


Truer words than these have never been spoken, Samurai.

I'm sure you saw what's going on on the other thread.

Hopefully, this weekend will be the end of the turbulence. We're going to sit down either Saturday or Sunday and just make (or I guess the real word would be "re-make") some decisions. One of the topics that will be trotted out is the relationship sabotage that happened.

I know my son has pulled back the veil already, but I just don't want him exposed to constant "voice recorder" bickering (if that makes any sense at all).


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## lonelyhusband321

Chuck71 said:


> LH321.... how are things?


Giant parts of life are better than they have ever been - for real. Other parts just seem to cling like tar on a hot day.

Business-wise, it literally couldn't be better (sith the exception of constant travel).

This weekend will be a pretty significant weekend. The ex and I will sit down and discuss her R overtures.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's getting brighter. I'm close enough to know it's NOT a train, but I just don't know what it IS.


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## Chuck71

I need to catch your other thread! It is great to remember all the good times

but also... recall how she broke your heart. You can live by the sword and

die by the sword as well.


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## lonelyhusband321

Let's see now.....

Where was I?

LAD really isn't going to be so bad after all...
:smthumbup:


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## Chuck71

Welcome to LaD..... see EW for your packet

We have Top 10s on how crazy our X were


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## SamuraiJack

Give the man his T-Shirt and Hat!
There IS life after divorce…and it’s MUCH better than I thought it would be.

I think my favorite part was sleeping with another woman who wasn’t my ex. 
It was like suddenly remembering that there are more desserts out there than just pudding.

What is even better is men who are self-supporting and sane are actually a commodity…provided they have done some of the work.

I know everyone filled your head with doom and gloom about divorce, but it’s only that way for people who brought it on themselves.
I didn’t realize it at first, but basically it was like letting the bear out of its cage.
Once I figured out I was actually FREE, then it was “Oh Look at the Deer…I’m hungry, free, and ready to hunt!” 

Hehehehehe…like being a kid all over again!

We’ll teach you the secret handshake at the next meeting. 
We meet Wednesday nights. Bring beer or your drink of choice.


----------



## Wolf1974

SamuraiJack said:


> Give the man his T-Shirt and Hat!
> There IS life after divorce…and it’s MUCH better than I thought it would be.
> 
> I think my favorite part was sleeping with another woman who wasn’t my ex.
> It was like suddenly remembering that there are more desserts out there than just pudding.
> 
> What is even better is men who are self-supporting and sane are actually a commodity…provided they have done some of the work.
> 
> I know everyone filled your head with doom and gloom about divorce, but it’s only that way for people who brought it on themselves.
> I didn’t realize it at first, but basically it was like letting the bear out of its cage.
> Once I figured out I was actually FREE, then it was “Oh Look at the Deer…I’m hungry, free, and ready to hunt!”
> 
> Hehehehehe…like being a kid all over again!
> 
> We’ll teach you the secret handshake at the next meeting.
> We meet Wednesday nights. Bring beer or your drink of choice.


Truth

I was certainly one of the doom and gloom about divorce. In my eyes she was taking the kids and the house and getting her perfect fantasy and I was getting left behind with nothing.

Now 4 years out. I have a great Gf, my house, my kids prefer to live with me which drives the x crazy and I have fixed all financial hell my x left me with. I came through divorce unscathed financially because i had leverage...no alimony and no child support. I know my situation is not typical but I do have to say that it turned out way better then i could have every imagined it could be .


----------



## Satya

I not only lost a 13 year relationship, but moved country, again, for the 2nd time after I'd just turned 30. Talk about starting all over again...! I had 3 small cardboard boxes and one carry on size suitcase. That was all the stuff I could bring back.... 

However, I slowly built up a new network of friends by doing things like Meetup, I went back to school, joined up with a weekly knitting club (ladies of all ages) and I was their only crocheter! My hobbies shifted over the next few years and some of my old, old friends from my home country reached out to me. One of them... She lives miles away now and she and I are penpals. We are both mid 30s and love hand writing letters a few times a year. 

It's totally possible to reboot. I called it "Me 2.0" after my divorce and now that I've healed somewhat and been with my SO for a while I feel that another change is coming.... "Me 3.0" 

It just takes time, patience, and the drive to step out onto that skinny branch without being afraid of what may lurk below.


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## lonelyhusband321

It just feels SO invigirating to be myself again. 

Just ME. Not a money supplier, not an obligated "responsible for everyone's well being and happiness".....just plain old ME.

:smthumbup:


----------



## 3Xnocharm

:smthumbup: :toast:


----------



## LongWalk

So the conversation really helped.


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## lonelyhusband321

LongWalk said:


> So the conversation really helped.


BIG time helped.


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## SamuraiJack

lonelyhusband321 said:


> BIG time helped.


This is good stuff! 

Getting back to who you were is always good.
You might feel slightly guilty as you do because it will feel like you are sidestepping that portion of your life.
Dont feel guilty.
Its all part of the process.


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## Chuck71

Why on Earth wouldn't you want to beat your brains out working day and night to allow her to be

an entitled princess? Shame on you! :rofl:

When the light shines in your eyes, it is bright isn't it?


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## SamuraiJack

Chuck71 said:


> Why on Earth wouldn't you want to beat your brains out working day and night to allow her to be
> 
> an entitled princess? Shame on you! :rofl:
> 
> When the light shines in your eyes, it is bright isn't it?


Chuck, he seems to have missed the "Male Slavery is your Destiny" email...Im sure his ex has a copy of it.

:FIREdevil:


----------

