# I don't feel guilty, I just feel sad



## missinglife

Long story short: 10+ years of marriage and 3 young children. I have been restless and unhappy and went seeking an affair. Had a brief one that was okay, nothing to write home about. Thought about another, when H found out.

I hate that I hurt him, but there are reasons I did this, some I understand, some I don't. And we are going to seek counseling and all of that, but I don't know that I want to be married any more. It's a good marriage, by most accounts. We see eye to eye on most things, we are friends, and there is no lack of attention or affection from him. I just don't want it any more and I don't know why. I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again. 

And I hate living up to someone else's expectations all the time, whether they are real or perceived. I will always have to be accountable to my children, but I no longer want to be accountable to any other adults besides myself. I want to run my household my way, and just BE ALONE!!! 

So many stupid little things about him bug me and I know full well it's me, not him. I know that. He hasn't changed, but I have. A lot. My views and ideals have changed immensely and what I think I want from my life has changed a lot. I don't want the trappings of a house and material goods. It all seems so damn overwhelming all the time.

We will give this a try, we will see if we can make it work. But I just don't know....


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## Shaggy

At least if you decide to be with someone else divorce your husband. He didnt signup for financing your cheating nor baby sitting the kids while you cheat. If you divorce him, he can upgrade to a much less selfish wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

Running away from the life you created with your husband is a very cowardly thing to do. It wasn't as if you were forced to lay down and have his kids, buy the house etc, you actively chose every single bit of it. Now you don't want it anymore? 

It's a fantasy. Taking your ball and going home... walking away without consequence. Yes, you can choose that too, but there are many more people that you stand to hurt by doing it. Can you live with that?


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## scione

Shaggy said:


> At least if you decide to be with someone else divorce your husband. He didnt signup for financing your cheating nor baby sitting the kids while you cheat. If you divorce him, he can upgrade to a much less selfish wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: Wow. You've read my mind.


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## Toffer

Missing,

Your not missing life, you're living it.

The problem is that through your affairs you've become a love junkie, looking for that next fix and like a junkie, you're likely to find yourself 20 years down the road still looking for that next fix. You'll be older, covered with liver spots and be wondering why you threw it all away.

Get help now. You truly need it


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## iheartlife

I'll pile on.

Having affair(s) was a fun way for you to avoid all of your problems. You don't like your life, so you want to create a second pretend life where no one criticizes you, you're always getting compliments, and no one has to fight over whose turn it is to clean up the vomit when the kids get sick.

You can get a divorce, but your core problem is going to follow you wherever you go: you imagine that somewhere around the corner there's an existence that's fabulously better than your own. Maybe if you run fast enough away from your problems, eventually you'll catch it. Just fill your husband in on your plans first, so that he can make fully informed choices about what dreams HE'D like to pursue.


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## KanDo

missinglife said:


> Long story short: 10+ years of marriage and 3 young children. I have been restless and unhappy and went seeking an affair. Had a brief one that was okay, nothing to write home about. Thought about another, when H found out.
> 
> I hate that I hurt him, but there are reasons I did this, some I understand, some I don't. And we are going to seek counseling and all of that, but I don't know that I want to be married any more. It's a good marriage, by most accounts. We see eye to eye on most things, we are friends, and there is no lack of attention or affection from him. I just don't want it any more and I don't know why. I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again. Sounds like you are chasing the fantasy of new love. I can not last in the fashion you appear to describe. It is an illusion and you will be left wanting each and every time you enter a relationship. You need significant counseling to understand yourself and your choices. Probably best to let your husband go and find someone worthy of his love
> 
> And I hate living up to someone else's expectations all the time, whether they are real or perceived. I will always have to be accountable to my children, but I no longer want to be accountable to any other adults besides myself. I want to run my household my way, and just BE ALONE!!! Adults have responsibilities and obligations and they benefit from companionship, commitment and connections. Sorry you haven't grown up. Good luck
> 
> So many stupid little things about him bug me and I know full well it's me, not him. I know that. He hasn't changed, but I have. A lot. My views and ideals have changed immensely and what I think I want from my life has changed a lot. I don't want the trappings of a house and material goods. It all seems so damn overwhelming all the time.
> 
> We will give this a try, we will see if we can make it work. But I just don't know....


You know, sometimes change is a good thing and sometimes it is not. BUt, if you have changed so much, I again wonder why you shouldn't just leave and let you husband find someone to love who is capable of a loving mature relationship.......


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## missinglife

Silly me, and here I thought that this was a support board!

Deciding that I am not happy in my marriage and choosing to leave it (if I do indeed do that), is not cowardly. Is it any more brave to stay in a marriage in which I am unhappy and bring us both down? I'd say that leaving it, and giving us both a fighting chance at happiness again, would be less cowardly. But I still can't be absolutely sure that's what I want to do.

I was opening up, saying what I really feel and want right now. But that is exactly why we are going to counseling...because I am not stupid and not willing to throw everything away without fully exploring the alternatives. I owe it to him, to myself and to my children, to make every effort to make a go of it, and that's what I intend to do. 

We cannot help our feelings, they are what they are. I know we need help (and I will say, he is not blameless in this marriage. Things like this don't happen in a vacuum. He's been good, but he has his issues too). That's what we are seeking. I would say my husband appears to be more understanding than anyone on this board so far. Well, Toffer actually said it best, although I don't believe I am a love-junkie. Not yet, although I do see the potential risk. What I really think is that I do want to be alone, and if I were to get out of this marriage, I wouldn't be seeking any long term relationship any time soon. I simply cannot fathom wanting to be married again ever.

But yes, my husband actually appears to understand all of this better than anyone who has replied thus far. He told me I need my support network just as much as he needs his. I thought this might be the place...not so sure now.


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## Jeff/BC

In my opinion, for the "grass is greener" crowd then there is always some greener grass somewhere. The problem is that grass is only greener until you're standing on it. Then, because you neglect it that patch of grass withers and turns brown and you start looking at some other patch of greenery. In the end, down that path is temporary happiness. The only way to get to "happily ever after" is to be wiling to tend your own lawn.

_I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again._
That's completely understandable. I thrive on "heart-pounding desire". The two obvious questions to me are:

- Why can't you generate that in your current relationship?
- What makes you think you'll be able to generate it in your next one?

~Jeff


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## missinglife

iheartlife said:


> I'll pile on.
> 
> Having affair(s) was a fun way for you to avoid all of your problems. You don't like your life, so you want to create a second pretend life where no one criticizes you, you're always getting compliments, and no one has to fight over whose turn it is to clean up the vomit when the kids get sick.
> 
> You can get a divorce, but your core problem is going to follow you wherever you go: you imagine that somewhere around the corner there's an existence that's fabulously better than your own. Maybe if you run fast enough away from your problems, eventually you'll catch it. Just fill your husband in on your plans first, so that he can make fully informed choices about what dreams HE'D like to pursue.


He is currently fully informed. And no, I don't actually believe that there is some fabulous existence waiting for me. I have envisioned EXACTLY what it would be like to separate and I know how hard it would be to split finances and time with the kids. 

I've seen my own parents go through it and it actually turns out it was the best thing for all parties involved. Funny, marriage isn't always the answer...


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## A Bit Much

Your husband understands his marriage is in trouble and naturally he wants to fix it.

We don't owe you anything, we're not in the relationship with you. That's why you came here, because it's good to hear what you sound like from someone who's NOT invested in what you have.

You sound like a very selfish person. And no, it's not cowardly to walk away and give someone the freedom of finding someone who wants what they want, but that's not what you're doing. 2 affairs (one done and one on the back burner) is a cowards way of dealing with their inner demons. I'm not sugar coating that for you so you can feel all warm and fuzzy, it's a crappy thing to do to your family.


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## missinglife

Jeff/BC said:


> In my opinion, for the "grass is greener" crowd then there is always some greener grass somewhere. The problem is that grass is only greener until you're standing on it. Then, because you neglect it that patch of grass withers and turns brown and you start looking at some other patch of greenery. In the end, down that path is temporary happiness. The only way to get to "happily ever after" is to be wiling to tend your own lawn.
> 
> _I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again._
> That's completely understandable. I thrive on "heart-pounding desire". The two obvious questions to me are:
> 
> - Why can't you generate that in your current relationship?
> - What makes you think you'll be able to generate it in your next one?
> 
> ~Jeff


So far, the best comment I've read. Less judgement, more objectivity.

Yes, why can't I generate that in my current relationship? Trying...have tried for years. This is why we are going to start professional help. Have an appointment for 2 weeks out and looking forward to it.


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## iheartlife

This is a support board, but you'll find that it's one that supports marriage. There is pretty much zero support around here for having an affair "and thinking about having another one."

You were inches away from being a serial cheater. You basically wanted your cake and to eat it too--financial stability, a babysitter for the kids while you had your kicks, and fun on the side.

That's great if you are owning up to your problems, especially via counseling, and are willing to admit that having affair(s) was as selfish and immature as it gets.

Are you in individual counseling? or just marriage counseling?

You may want to ask to have your thread moved to the "Considering Divorce or Separation" forum; PM a mod.


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## missinglife

iheartlife said:


> You may want to ask to have your thread moved to the "Considering Divorce or Separation" forum; PM a mod.


Now THAT'S good advice! Shall do...


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## Almostrecovered

More proof you cant speak logic to someone who is in the fog


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## missinglife

Almostrecovered said:


> More proof you cant speak logic to someone who is in the fog


I am not in any fog. I am not in love, or in lust, with any one at the moment. 

More proof you can't speak "logic" to someone who is determined to think only their way, and not see the other side. I am capable of seeing both and am doing so at the moment.

Too bad, thought there would be more gentle thoughtfulness here.


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## SadSamIAm

A Bit Much said:


> it's not cowardly to walk away and give someone the freedom of finding someone who wants what they want, but that's not what you're doing. 2 affairs (one done and one on the back burner) is a cowards way of dealing with their inner demons.


I want to hear her reply to this.


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## Shaggy

You got dumped on because as you point out,nyou cheated and you don't feel bad about doing it. Instead, you've compounded that selfish attack on your husband with more statements which read very much like, "and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."

We are supportive, but we are never supportive of cheating.

We support honesty, mutual care kindness and respect. Your post contained none of that, just a defiant tone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

missinglife said:


> Yes, why can't I generate that in my current relationship? Trying...have tried for years. *This is why we are going to start professional help.* Have an appointment for 2 weeks out and looking forward to it.


I was going to ask you what work did you do to fix your marriage. Because it's not working. Then you posted the above.

That's the first thing you said that didn't have any selfish excuse about it. You finally figured out you need professional help. Trying to fix 10+ years of unhappiness with escapes of infidelity didn't work. That's for sure. 
And like you, there are WS on this forum and they'll call out hollow stories right off too. But if you can take the heat long enough, you'll get some help. 

Good luck working on yourself and marriage.


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## missinglife

Shaggy said:


> You got dumped on because as you point out,nyou cheated and you don't feel bad about doing it. Instead, you've compounded that selfish attack on your husband with more statements which read very much like, "and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."
> 
> We are supportive, but we are never supportive of cheating.
> 
> We support honesty, mutual care kindness and respect. Your post contained none of that, just a defiant tone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."

Oh, no...I never said any of that, real or implied. I don't think that for a second. Technically...he's done everything right. I am well aware of that and have told him as much. We are being utterly, completely honest with each other at the moment. But is it enough? That's what marriage comes to sometimes...is it enough? For either party?

And feeling bad about something is very different from feeling guilt. I don't feel guilt, but I do feel terribly that I hurt him. Sounds paradoxical to some, perhaps, but it's not. 

And my post, admitting what I did and what it felt like, contained complete honesty. That's what I am here for (and will be going to counseling for)...to understand what I did and why I did it and what it all means.

So I spoke honestly and from the heart. Yup!


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## Jeff/BC

missinglife said:


> Yes, why can't I generate that in my current relationship? Trying...have tried for years. This is why we are going to start professional help. Have an appointment for 2 weeks out and looking forward to it.


Excellent!

On the face of it, he has boy bits... you have girl bits... all the basics are in place for "heart-pounding desire". The thing is that when a relationship is new, it gets these free bonus points called "new relationship energy". That's really just saying that when people are new to each other there's a lot of mystery and therefor a lot of curiosity and engagement. After that period passes though, you have to actually expend effort to make things like "heart pounding desire" occur.

On the upside, if you DO expend that effort then what you get is "heart pounding desire" with a person you know and trust and are more intimate with than you ever could be with some stranger. You really can have your cake and eat it too. You just need to be willing to bake the cake.


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## missinglife

anchorwatch said:


> I was going to ask you what work did you do to fix your marriage. Because it's not working. Then you posted the above.
> 
> That's the first thing you said that didn't have any selfish excuse about it. You finally figured out you need professional help. Trying to fix 10+ years of unhappiness with escapes of infidelity didn't work. That's for sure.
> And like you, there are WS on this forum and they'll call out hollow stories right off too. But if you can take the heat long enough, you'll get some help.
> 
> Good luck working on yourself and marriage.


Thank you. But what's WS?

BTW, nothing I wrote was meant to be an excuse...it was all stream-of-consciousness-how-I-am-feeling-at-this-very-moment writing.

I know I am not alone. I know that what I am going through is not unique...so I am looking to find others who feel the same and can help me explore it. That's why I am here.


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## Deejo

Thread moved ...

And ...

Despite the fact that a large percentage of those here on the forum are the betrayed spouse BS,
DOES NOT mean that it's open season to project anger or bitterness at a wayward spouse WS, that comes here looking for input and support.

Please maintain decorum.


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## Halien

missinglife said:


> We cannot help our feelings, they are what they are. I know we need help (and I will say, he is not blameless in this marriage.


Its just my opinion, and not one based upon credentials, but I do think that you can learn to 'help your feelings' through counseling and hard work. You can choose to begin to value certain attributes of your partner, and break through assumptions you make about them, learning to see the real beauty in them.

When I read your posts, I'm saddened by the sense that maybe you feel lost, and struggling to understand the reasons why you feel like you do. My wife struggles with bipolar depression, and that loss of control, feeling like she cannot control how she feels, just leads her to deeper levels of confusion in her life. I'm not trying to suggest that you can simply decide to feel more love for your husband. I know its not that simple. But I was glad to see that you are looking forward to working with a counselor. 

The breakdown of a marriage really saddens me, I have to admit. Regardless of the path you choose regarding your relationship, I hope that you can find something you really believe in through counseling, something that makes you wake up each day with a feeling of hope. Maybe you recognize how hard this can be for your husband to understand. Encourage him to seek individual counseling also.


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## CH

missinglife said:


> I ache from wanting to touch other people and experience true heart-pounding desire again.
> a lot.


Your name says it all. You didn't get to do what you wanted and you're missing out on life.

Go out, have fun, sleep around, experience what it's like to be with other men. It's your life and you live it the way you want. Many won't approve but why are you really here?

You want someone to say, sure go ahead sleep with other men and find that passion and heart pounding desire. You're not gonna get that here.

Maybe life will be better apart, no one knows what the future holds. But are you willing to throw away a good family (from what you say) just for your own selfish reasons?

Mom, why did you and dad divorce?

Because mom wanted to experience heart pounding desire with other men.

Although you'll probably lie and just tell them that daddy and mommy just grew apart.

You only live once, you gotta do what's right for you.

The only question is, when you're old and grey can you look back and be proud of what you've done. Or will you look back and say what did I do to my life when I had it all.


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## missinglife

Halien said:


> Its just my opinion, and not one based upon credentials, but I do think that you can learn to 'help your feelings' through counseling and hard work. You can choose to begin to value certain attributes of your partner, and break through assumptions you make about them, learning to see the real beauty in them.
> 
> When I read your posts, I'm saddened by the sense that maybe you feel lost, and struggling to understand the reasons why you feel like you do. My wife struggles with bipolar depression, and that loss of control, feeling like she cannot control how she feels, just leads her to deeper levels of confusion in her life. I'm not trying to suggest that you can simply decide to feel more love for your husband. I know its not that simple. But I was glad to see that you are looking forward to working with a counselor.
> 
> The breakdown of a marriage really saddens me, I have to admit. Regardless of the path you choose regarding your relationship, I hope that you can find something you really believe in through counseling, something that makes you wake up each day with a feeling of hope. Maybe you recognize how hard this can be for your husband to understand. Encourage him to seek individual counseling also.


Wonderful, helpful words, all of these. Thank you.


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## missinglife

cheatinghubby said:


> Your name says it all. You didn't get to do what you wanted and you're missing out on life.
> 
> Go out, have fun, sleep around, experience what it's like to be with other men. It's your life and you live it the way you want. Many won't approve but why are you really here?
> 
> You want someone to say, sure go ahead sleep with other men and find that passion and heart pounding desire. You're not gonna get that here.
> 
> Maybe life will be better apart, no one knows what the future holds. But are you willing to throw away a good family (from what you say) just for your own selfish reasons?
> 
> Mom, why did you and dad divorce?
> 
> Because mom wanted to experience heart pounding desire with other men.
> 
> Although you'll probably lie and just tell them that daddy and mommy just grew apart.
> 
> You only live once, you gotta do what's right for you.
> 
> The only question is, when you're old and grey can you look back and be proud of what you've done. Or will you look back and say what did I do to my life when I had it all.


That was one small piece of what I said, and certainly not the whole picture at all. And guess what? Mommy and Daddy HAVE grown apart. Again, these things don't happen in a vacuum. And I have also said in my original post and again in my responses, that I do want to put in the work and try but I am not feeling particularly hopeful at the moment.

That's the problem, when you only focus on just one small issue in a whole, complicated messy situation.


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## TorontoBoyWest

missinglife said:


> "and if hubby doesn't get it right, I'm going to go right back out and do it again."
> 
> Oh, no...I never said any of that, real or implied. I don't think that for a second. Technically...he's done everything right. I am well aware of that and have told him as much. We are being utterly, completely honest with each other at the moment. But is it enough? That's what marriage comes to sometimes...is it enough? For either party?
> 
> *And feeling bad about something is very different from feeling guilt. I don't feel guilt, but I do feel terribly that I hurt him.* Sounds paradoxical to some, perhaps, but it's not.
> 
> And my post, admitting what I did and what it felt like, contained complete honesty. That's what I am here for (and will be going to counseling for)...to understand what I did and why I did it and what it all means.
> 
> So I spoke honestly and from the heart. Yup!


And there lies the disconect between you and this board.

You are having a hard time seeing that you should feel guilt.

And the fact that you don't is quite telling.


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## working_together

You're right, you're not the only person to go through this type of thing. It sounds very much like you're having a mid life crisis. Maybe you aren't happy with your life right now, questioning whether there is more out there, is the grass greener on the other side.

I'd like to hear more about your lack of guilt and how you deal with what you've done to your husband...how is he handling it???


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## anchorwatch

You first post didn't come off well. In turn you got blasted. That said, I do believe, if you and your husband want to, you can learn the methods to regain and keep romantic love in your relationship. But it will take both of you and a lot of work. Look up the books by W. Harley. Those are always a good start.


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## missinglife

working_together said:


> You're right, you're not the only person to go through this type of thing. It sounds very much like you're having a mid life crisis. Maybe you aren't happy with your life right now, questioning whether there is more out there, is the grass greener on the other side.
> 
> I'd like to hear more about your lack of guilt and how you deal with what you've done to your husband...how is he handling it???


He is being wonderful and we are talking things through daily.

The problem with a message board such as this is that no matter how much of your story you tell, there is always more to it. My husband said something tonight that struck such a chord with both of us, we were rendered speechless and had to just go away from each other to digest.

A little piece of the puzzle...we had a third child, who was an unexpected pregnancy. Without family in the area and not much of a support system, we were already pushed to the limit with two kids. But even though I am very much pro-choice, I felt like we didn't have a choice here...we were parents, we knew how to be parents and we were financially stable enough to handle it. I didn't feel I could live with myself if we aborted.

So we didn't. And he's been harboring resentment about this for several years. Because she's a tough kid and she pushes us to our stress levels all the time. She has some minor developmental delays that manifest themselves as behavioral issues (working with Early Intervention on those). But it's been really, really hard and there has been an undercurrent from him, for several years, of "Well, this was your choice, you have to deal with it".

He spoke about that tonight, of realizing that the expectations he's put on me to handle her and to "suck it up" when it's been hard, have really damaged us.

I cried so hard I could barely breath. I am still cryiing now.l


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## missinglife

TorontoBoyWest said:


> And there lies the disconect between you and this board.
> 
> You are having a hard time seeing that you should feel guilt.
> 
> And the fact that you don't is quite telling.


No, actually, I am not having a hard time seeing that I SHOULD feel guilt...

I just DON'T feel guilt. I don't know what got me to the place where I was willing to go so far, but I got there. And that is what my responsibility is now...to figure that out and to see if it's fixable. If it's not, we will let each other go and find our happiness separately. But if it is, then I owe to him to try. And that's what I will do.


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## missinglife

Jeff/BC said:


> Excellent!
> 
> On the face of it, he has boy bits... you have girl bits... all the basics are in place for "heart-pounding desire". The thing is that when a relationship is new, it gets these free bonus points called "new relationship energy". That's really just saying that when people are new to each other there's a lot of mystery and therefor a lot of curiosity and engagement. After that period passes though, you have to actually expend effort to make things like "heart pounding desire" occur.
> 
> On the upside, if you DO expend that effort then what you get is "heart pounding desire" with a person you know and trust and are more intimate with than you ever could be with some stranger. You really can have your cake and eat it too. You just need to be willing to bake the cake.


Love this. I hope we can find our way there.


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## SabrinaBlue

Missinglife, from what you've posted, I can see how your marriage has gotten to where it is. What puzzles me is why you called it a "good marriage, by most accounts" in your first posting. 

Your marriage isn't good. It's in serious trouble.

To me, a good marriage is one in which both partners are communicating openly and honestly. A good marriage is one in which sex isn't a junkie's fix, but something to be shared as a wonderful and natural experience between a couple. You've admitted that, at least on your end, it's not been this way. So I wouldn't objectively say that you've got a good marriage right now.

But - like myself and many others here - you're open to working on it. Bypassing anything you've said about wanting to leave him and just be on your own, you've also said you want to try repairing your marriage.

It's rough stuff. As a good friend once told me, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do." But underneath your anger and pain there's a feeling that you really do want to figure out why you've made the choices you have. You want to understand why your husband resents you so strongly over your third child. That's where counseling can help you. Good luck.


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## anon54

cheatinghubby said:


> Your name says it all. You didn't get to do what you wanted and you're missing out on life.
> 
> Go out, have fun, sleep around, experience what it's like to be with other men. It's your life and you live it the way you want. Many won't approve but why are you really here?
> 
> You want someone to say, sure go ahead sleep with other men and find that passion and heart pounding desire. You're not gonna get that here.
> 
> Maybe life will be better apart, no one knows what the future holds. But are you willing to throw away a good family (from what you say) just for your own selfish reasons? . . .
> 
> Or will you look back and say what did I do to my life when I had it all.


Dear Missinglife,

It makes me sad to read your story since it reminds me of what I am currently going through with my wife. She too now wants to find her happiness elsewhere and I am the imperfect yet likewise understanding husband of my wife's evolution.

Funny, since we don't have kids I actually thought having kids would focus her attention and glue us together but your posts just confirmed that kids would only be mean more casualties.

There is another part of your story that reminds me of my mom and dad's divorce after 32 years. They both struggled so much and hit hard times from trying to support a large family that one day dad essentially said, "I give up, this job of being married to a large family is too hard. I want to start fresh, and with a new woman." He died of cancer a few years later longing to have his family nearby during his last days of his life. And we were there but the tragedy of him not being part of our lives those last few years may the end a bit more painful. 

I don't know where you will end up, it sounds partly like a mid-life crisis and partly like your marriage won't survive, and cheating on him again will only affirm the end. For the sake of your kids, it's good you going through MC so give it a meaningful chance for their sake.

And despite the hail of flames you got from other posters when you started this thread, it was probably one of the smartest moves you made to figure out what's going on and where you go next. Because whatever road you decide to take, it needs to involve a strong dose of reality to make it sanely through to the other end. Good luck.


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## onthefence210

Missing life...I am you in so many ways. I understand the feeling of not feeling guilty about your affair but being sad. I too didn't feel guilty nor did I feel remorse...my affair woke me up to my reality. The fog that I lived in was a very unhealthy marriage that led to me making a bad choice because at the time it seemed easier then dealing with issues that had gone on for so long that I didn't know where to start. I was a coward. I ask myself daily how and why I let myself do what I did. It wasn't me. But sadly in my affair...I was the most me that I've ever been. I no longer had to act a certain way, no longer had to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I was the person that I so easily could be, being me. It's hard for people to understand who have never been where we are. I understand. My affair lasted over 2 yrs. I never intended for what started out as two old friends reminiscing about old times to turn into what it did. He was suppose to be safe. And I was not that person. Im in the same shoes as u r. Total honesty with husband. Affair was confessed and we were able to end it on our own terms. Knowing that what we did was f'd up...we aren't bad people. Now to fix me. I too have no clue if I can make things work with my H or if I even want to try. I don't love him the way I should and according to our MC she thinks we would have to start all over. Not sure with 20 yrs of history, especially like ours that it's possible. Anyways...you're not alone. I just think that people like you and I who post for advice on a sight where the cheater is the enemy...are sitting ducks for people who have been hurt by people like us. If only they can see that we are trying...not to justify our choices but to get ourselves to a better place so we never do it again.


----------



## Jeff/BC

missinglife said:


> The problem with a message board such as this is that no matter how much of your story you tell, there is always more to it.


*nods* That is how it is. That's why it's important to take whatever is written in response to your story and make sure it actually fits. It's also good to remember that those who "got it wrong" had solid reason to do so. Often times I think that threads like these succeed not because of some incredibly insightful answer that someone gave, but rather because the couple in question discussed the thread and in talking about all the ways the answers were wrong, they come upon the right answer.


----------



## missinglife

SabrinaBlue said:


> Missinglife, from what you've posted, I can see how your marriage has gotten to where it is. What puzzles me is why you called it a "good marriage, by most accounts" in your first posting.
> 
> Your marriage isn't good. It's in serious trouble.
> 
> To me, a good marriage is one in which both partners are communicating openly and honestly. A good marriage is one in which sex isn't a junkie's fix, but something to be shared as a wonderful and natural experience between a couple. You've admitted that, at least on your end, it's not been this way. So I wouldn't objectively say that you've got a good marriage right now.
> 
> But - like myself and many others here - you're open to working on it. Bypassing anything you've said about wanting to leave him and just be on your own, you've also said you want to try repairing your marriage.
> 
> It's rough stuff. As a good friend once told me, "Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do." But underneath your anger and pain there's a feeling that you really do want to figure out why you've made the choices you have. You want to understand why your husband resents you so strongly over your third child. That's where counseling can help you. Good luck.


Agreed, our marriage isn't "good". I suppose I meant that on paper it looks good overall. No abuse, nothing technically "wrong". 

But underlying tensions and the toll of raising three kids when we have no support network have really hurt us.


----------



## missinglife

anon54 said:


> Dear Missinglife,
> 
> It makes me sad to read your story since it reminds me of what I am currently going through with my wife. She too now wants to find her happiness elsewhere and I am the imperfect yet likewise understanding husband of my wife's evolution.
> 
> Funny, since we don't have kids I actually thought having kids would focus her attention and glue us together but your posts just confirmed that kids would only be mean more casualties.
> 
> There is another part of your story that reminds me of my mom and dad's divorce after 32 years. They both struggled so much and hit hard times from trying to support a large family that one day dad essentially said, "I give up, this job of being married to a large family is too hard. I want to start fresh, and with a new woman." He died of cancer a few years later longing to have his family nearby during his last days of his life. And we were there but the tragedy of him not being part of our lives those last few years may the end a bit more painful.
> 
> I don't know where you will end up, it sounds partly like a mid-life crisis and partly like your marriage won't survive, and cheating on him again will only affirm the end. For the sake of your kids, it's good you going through MC so give it a meaningful chance for their sake.
> 
> And despite the hail of flames you got from other posters when you started this thread, it was probably one of the smartest moves you made to figure out what's going on and where you go next. Because whatever road you decide to take, it needs to involve a strong dose of reality to make it sanely through to the other end. Good luck.


Thanks. I am sorry for what you are going through. 

I will say this...I won't cheat on him again, if we stay together. That, in part, is what counseling is for...can we stay together for the long haul and be happy enough that no one turns to anyone else? I NEED to know that before I decide to stay and the only way I can figure that out is with professional help. 

I also will never abandon my children. Although I desperately want to be alone at times, my biggest obligation is to them right now. If we separate, we would split custody, no question. 

I am a child of divorce and quite frankly, it can often be the best for all parties involved. It can take its toll on the kids, no question, but as long as the parents do their best to mitigate that toll, there isn't necessarily lasting damage.


----------



## missinglife

Jeff/BC said:


> *nods* That is how it is. That's why it's important to take whatever is written in response to your story and make sure it actually fits. It's also good to remember that those who "got it wrong" had solid reason to do so. Often times I think that threads like these succeed not because of some incredibly insightful answer that someone gave, but rather because the couple in question discussed the thread and in talking about all the ways the answers were wrong, they come upon the right answer.




It didn't really upset me, what was angrily written by hurt or injured parties. As you said, I only took what actually fits my situation. I've been a part of messageboards before (parenting forums and such) and I know people don't truly know me or my situation. And now I am seeing some true, thoughtful responses that add up a lot more.

I almost got a kick out of some of it, the assumptions that were made, the person who kept accusing me of wanting my husband for financial and babysitting reasons alone. Harsh and utterly false, so I dismissed it entirely.


----------



## missinglife

onthefence210 said:


> Missing life...I am you in so many ways. I understand the feeling of not feeling guilty about your affair but being sad. I too didn't feel guilty nor did I feel remorse...my affair woke me up to my reality. The fog that I lived in was a very unhealthy marriage that led to me making a bad choice because at the time it seemed easier then dealing with issues that had gone on for so long that I didn't know where to start. I was a coward. I ask myself daily how and why I let myself do what I did. It wasn't me. But sadly in my affair...I was the most me that I've ever been. I no longer had to act a certain way, no longer had to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I was the person that I so easily could be, being me. It's hard for people to understand who have never been where we are. I understand. My affair lasted over 2 yrs. I never intended for what started out as two old friends reminiscing about old times to turn into what it did. He was suppose to be safe. And I was not that person. Im in the same shoes as u r. Total honesty with husband. Affair was confessed and we were able to end it on our own terms. Knowing that what we did was f'd up...we aren't bad people. Now to fix me. I too have no clue if I can make things work with my H or if I even want to try. I don't love him the way I should and according to our MC she thinks we would have to start all over. Not sure with 20 yrs of history, especially like ours that it's possible. Anyways...you're not alone. I just think that people like you and I who post for advice on a sight where the cheater is the enemy...are sitting ducks for people who have been hurt by people like us. If only they can see that we are trying...not to justify our choices but to get ourselves to a better place so we never do it again.


Thank you for sharing this. Sometimes just knowing we aren't alone helps immensely.


----------



## iheartlife

missinglife said:


> It didn't really upset me, what was angrily written by hurt or injured parties. As you said, I only took what actually fits my situation. I've been a part of messageboards before (parenting forums and such) and I know people don't truly know me or my situation. And now I am seeing some true, thoughtful responses that add up a lot more.
> 
> I almost got a kick out of some of it, the assumptions that were made, the person who kept accusing me of wanting my husband for financial and babysitting reasons alone. Harsh and utterly false, so I dismissed it entirely.


I'm the one who made that comment, and I own it 100%.

I'm actually not angry or bitter--that's just you projecting your own issues on to me--is that irony lost?

I'm happily reconciled with my husband--he had an emotional affair. I was able to forgive him and a big reason for that is that he and I are different people now, we work on the marriage and enjoy our time together and have a new appreciation for the good in life in general. We have a passion and a sense of being in love that was missing before. It's sad that we nearly had to lose it all to get to this place, but there it is. But on the other hand, our marriage and relationship are the best they've been in 10 years, maybe more, and there's nowhere to go but up.

I wish that for you too, and I hope you find it. But as many others have said, the way you've written your posts, there is something--and I'm sorry, but it is clearly there--very cold.


----------



## Toffer

Missing,

As you've filled in the pieces it's become easier to understand.

I participate on a number of these boards and my issues doesn't involve infidelity at all but I found my self agreeing with quite a few of the posters you didn't.

I still find that my biggest concern is your lack of regret. I know that when I've hurt someone I profess to care about (and it could be only a friend or aquaintence) I feel a degree of guilt. You've betrayed your life partner, regardless of the reasoning behind it. While it's possible that you may wind up with a new and better marriage because of your infidelity (and that is a definite plus) wouldn't you rather this not have happened this way?

I too have 3 children (13, 18 and 20) and undestand the pressures of deal with all of this as well as working 12 - 13 hour days. My wife was fortunate that she could stay home for a number of years but she then had all the pressure of dealing with the kids


----------



## HisMrs83

MissingLife, I was all for you prior to the affair. I truly believe you're already tapped out and you're going through MC, etc., so that your attempt at "saving" your marriage will look legit to your H and outsiders. As iHeartLife stated, we are ppl that REALLY want our marriages to work. Therefore, we seek out issues WITHin the marriage/ourselves before ever attempting to FULLFILL our personal desires outside of them. 


I will be honest and say that you open yourself up to judgement with these types of posts. You were blunt and straight to the point. So we are answering you in the same tone. Yes, some of the ppl on this post were harsh but it's because when ppl come along and say they typically have a good thing going but they're just bored, etc., it strikes a very sensitive nerve in those looking to save/reignite those same things.

If I were you, I would cut the strings now. Go find what you're in search of. Pain is inevitable from your original post. So, there's no need to delay. 

Just one word of advice, when you don't find what you're looking for (because it sounds like you're in search of "the honeymoon period/new love butterflies" 24/7-365, don't disrupt your soon to be ex-husbands life by trying to reconcile. Let him find a woman that wants what he wants.

And I truly hope you find whatever it is you're in search of.


----------



## missinglife

Toffer said:


> Missing,
> 
> As you've filled in the pieces it's become easier to understand.
> 
> I participate on a number of these boards and my issues doesn't involve infidelity at all but I found my self agreeing with quite a few of the posters you didn't.
> 
> I still find that my biggest concern is your lack of regret. I know that when I've hurt someone I profess to care about (and it could be only a friend or aquaintence) I feel a degree of guilt. You've betrayed your life partner, regardless of the reasoning behind it. While it's possible that you may wind up with a new and better marriage because of your infidelity (and that is a definite plus) wouldn't you rather this not have happened this way?
> 
> I too have 3 children (13, 18 and 20) and undestand the pressures of deal with all of this as well as working 12 - 13 hour days. My wife was fortunate that she could stay home for a number of years but she then had all the pressure of dealing with the kids


But I am not looking for another marriage. I am not trying to "trade up" (horrible phrase). I think it's an interesting assumption that people have made out of my posts, which I get because you can't possibly know everything that adds into the situation and all of the things that are on my mind.

I am honestly not sure I believe in marriage anymore. Probably a bad place to say it, if this site is mostly devoted to saving marriages. Although I have desires for other people (no one specifically, this is just very abstract for the time being), I don't think that's been the driving force all along.

So contrary to what people are getting from my posts, I am not dying to run into the arms of another man. Quite the opposite, actually. I think I want to be alone for a long time. I think my affair was a mistaken form of escapism, definitely, because certainly didn't solve the central problem.


----------



## missinglife

iheartlife said:


> I'm the one who made that comment, and I own it 100%.
> 
> I'm actually not angry or bitter--that's just you projecting your own issues on to me--is that irony lost?
> 
> I'm happily reconciled with my husband--he had an emotional affair. I was able to forgive him and a big reason for that is that he and I are different people now, we work on the marriage and enjoy our time together and have a new appreciation for the good in life in general. We have a passion and a sense of being in love that was missing before. It's sad that we nearly had to lose it all to get to this place, but there it is. But on the other hand, our marriage and relationship are the best they've been in 10 years, maybe more, and there's nowhere to go but up.
> 
> I wish that for you too, and I hope you find it. But as many others have said, the way you've written your posts, there is something--and I'm sorry, but it is clearly there--very cold.


No irony. I never said any one is bitter. But things can be "angrily written", as the comment about finances and babysitting were. That's why it didn't bother me much. I know how these things go on message boards. One has a strong opinion and it shows...whether or not it truly has any bearing on my situation. 

And if those things not raising my own ire make me seem cold, so be it. 

Look, I am just doing what almost everyone else here is doing...trying to decipher my own emotions. Guilt may not be one of them, and I have to try to understand that part too.


----------



## Jellybeans

The fact that you don't feel any guilt to me says it all.

My 2 cents.


----------



## iheartlife

missinglife said:


> And if those things not raising my own ire make me seem cold, so be it.


That's not the part I found cold.


----------



## missinglife

iheartlife said:


> That's not the part I found cold.


Well, like I said, I am here in part to be able to decipher my own emotions, thoughts and feelings. Neither of us can move forward if I don't.


----------



## missinglife

Jellybeans said:


> The fact that you don't feel any guilt to me says it all.
> 
> My 2 cents.


Nothing ever "says it all". I've stated clearly that I do feel badly for hurting him. But I don't necessarily feel guilt about my actions. 

Complicated? Yep, you bet.


----------



## missinglife

HisMrs83 said:


> MissingLife, I was all for you prior to the affair. I truly believe you're already tapped out and you're going through MC, etc., so that your attempt at "saving" your marriage will look legit to your H and outsiders. As iHeartLife stated, we are ppl that REALLY want our marriages to work. Therefore, we seek out issues WITHin the marriage/ourselves before ever attempting to FULLFILL our personal desires outside of them.
> 
> 
> I will be honest and say that you open yourself up to judgement with these types of posts. You were blunt and straight to the point. So we are answering you in the same tone. Yes, some of the ppl on this post were harsh but it's because when ppl come along and say they typically have a good thing going but they're just bored, etc., it strikes a very sensitive nerve in those looking to save/reignite those same things.
> 
> If I were you, I would cut the strings now. Go find what you're in search of. Pain is inevitable from your original post. So, there's no need to delay.
> 
> Just one word of advice, when you don't find what you're looking for (because it sounds like you're in search of "the honeymoon period/new love butterflies" 24/7-365, don't disrupt your soon to be ex-husbands life by trying to reconcile. Let him find a woman that wants what he wants.
> 
> And I truly hope you find whatever it is you're in search of.


I never said I was just bored. Desperately unhappy and not truly understanding why? Yes. But "just bored" I was not. 

And I know I have opened myself up to judgement, warranted or not. And that's why I will respond, too. Or sometimes, I won't respond because it's simply not worth it. If someone is determined to believe the worst of me, nothing I will say will change that.

I am saving my limited energy for more important endeavours.


----------



## Jellybeans

missinglife said:


> Nothing ever "says it all". I've stated clearly that I do feel badly for hurting him. But I don't necessarily feel guilt about my actions.
> 
> Complicated? Yep, you bet.


To me, it does say it all that you feel zero guilt/remorse for cheating on your husband. 

Like I said, my 2 cents. You don't have to agree with me. But you're posting on an open forum and asking questions and opinions and that is mine. 

It appears you don't like a lot of what you are hearing on here which is why most of your posts come across as defensive. 

I think therapy is a good idea. If you are done iwth your marriage, don't string your husband along. That's possibly the worst thing you could ever do. Especially after betraying him.


----------



## Traggy

Would you classify yourself as narcissistic? Do you understand empathy?

Just curious. I am not being mean.


----------



## HisMrs83

missinglife said:


> I never said I was just bored. Desperately unhappy and not truly understanding why? Yes. But "just bored" I was not.
> 
> And I know I have opened myself up to judgement, warranted or not. And that's why I will respond, too. Or sometimes, I won't respond because it's simply not worth it. If someone is determined to believe the worst of me, nothing I will say will change that.
> 
> I am saving my limited energy for more important endeavours.


You didn't have to say it. Your original post did. Good luck either way.


----------



## missinglife

Jellybeans said:


> To me, it does say it all that you feel zero guilt/remorse for cheating on your husband.
> 
> Like I said, my 2 cents. You don't have to agree with me. But you're posting on an open forum and asking questions and opinions and that is mine.
> 
> It appears you don't like a lot of what you are hearing on here which is why most of your posts come across as defensive.
> 
> I think therapy is a good idea. If you are done iwth your marriage, don't string your husband along. That's possibly the worst thing you could ever do. Especially after betraying him.


Hmmm, I don't actually feel defensive - not at all. I am responding only inasmuch as it makes sense and helps me sort out my feelings. That's really what I am doing and what I am here for. 

I don't intend to string him along. Not at all, but we both need to figure out what we we want, what we can live with, before we call it quits. We are agreed on that.

He knows all of these feelings and thoughts...I haven't said anything here I haven't said to him, including the non-guilt bit.

I am couching my words with him carefully, however. No, not to "string him along" but because I think we need to be in counseling for that, where it's safe to completely open up and have a mediator there to help us. 

I have felt very trapped in my relationship for a long time. And although I pride myself on being very open and straightforward, I found it very hard to say to the man who's been my partner for 15+ years that I felt that way, that I was struggling and drowning in it and that he and the kids and everything around me was part of the problem. So yes, I chose a path that was spectacularly unfair to him and hurt him deeply. I know that. And I do feel remorse for hurting him, but that's not necessarily the same as guilt over what I've done. Splitting hairs, maybe, but it's how I feel.

What I can hope for, what I do hope for, is that bringing us to this point won't be all for naught. That we will both discover things about ourselves (indeed, we already are) and that wherever we end up, we will be happier for it. 

I just don't know if marriage to each other is the ultimate answer. That remains to be seen.


----------



## missinglife

Traggy said:


> Would you classify yourself as narcissistic? Do you understand empathy?
> 
> Just curious. I am not being mean.


No, but I think typically narcissists don't know that they are narcissists, right? 

Regardless, no...I tend to be overly empathetic if anything. I understand his feelings in this matter entirely. I know he is hurting and I feel for him and I am doing my utmost to mitigate it now that the damage is done. 

But this is a place for me to express myself too. It is just as important for me to understand my own feelings, and discover what's under there, and that's what I am doing.


----------



## missinglife

HisMrs83 said:


> You didn't have to say it. Your original post did. Good luck either way.


Nope...said I was restless and unhappy, but not "just bored".

Good luck to you too.


----------



## iheartlife

I find your statement about the kids being part of the problem to be heartbreaking.

Can you explain to me your reasoning on how divorce would help that part.

If it was just your husband--that would be one thing, but it seems that you want to replace your whole life. That is what led to my original post stating that it seems you think that if your present existence were to change entirely, your problems would be solved.

--------------------

But setting that aside, I think there's another issue with your thread.

Nearly every time someone tries to mirror your words back to you in a slightly different way--to gain insight into your thinking--you go back to your precise original wording and say that we aren't getting it. I think that is why we aren't gaining understanding.

The posts that you do relate to are the ones that are vague, sort of, we feel for you it's tough. I can say that too--I feel for you, it's a tough situation.

I'm just trying to get beyond those vague statements.


----------



## Shaggy

Has you husband gotten any help for himself in dealing with the emotional scar and pain your affair caused him?

Your posts all involved you, which makes me doubt that therapy can help a lot at the moment because you are look for it to return to you the freedom and passion you had before the commitment and responsibility you now want to dump. Counseling can give you the tools to build a great marriage , but you have to chose to use them. I predict you are going to go to a session or two and discover it isn't all about you and that it actually requires you to work and reflect on with empathy the feelings and needs of others. You will right it off as useless and walk away.

Here is a life lesson I have learned. You can chose to be self centered and selfish, but by doing so you are ultimately choosing to be left behind and out of life. Sure, you'll find men who will tell you all you want to hear about you, and they will pretend to listen about you, but those men won't care about you or help you live life. It's a lonely path to choose, since you may have men around you, but you won't have kindness or love.

That's what you have begun to choose, perhaps you've seen a bit if thus truth when your affair didn't do it for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## missinglife

iheartlife said:


> I find your statement about the kids being part of the problem to be heartbreaking.
> 
> Can you explain to me your reasoning on how divorce would help that part.
> 
> If it was just your husband--that would be one thing, but it seems that you want to replace your whole life. That is what led to my original post stating that it seems you think that if your present existence were to change entirely, your problems would be solved.
> 
> --------------------
> 
> But setting that aside, I think there's another issue with your thread.
> 
> Nearly every time someone tries to mirror your words back to you in a slightly different way--to gain insight into your thinking--you go back to your precise original wording and say that we aren't getting it. I think that is why we aren't gaining understanding.
> 
> The posts that you do relate to are the ones that are vague, sort of, we feel for you it's tough. I can say that too--I feel for you, it's a tough situation.
> 
> I'm just trying to get beyond those vague statements.


Hmm, okay, fair enough.

The kids, let's start with that one. I love them, don't get me wrong, but we are on our own here, with no family and very little support. The third kiddo was unplanned and has been a major issue. Despite being pro-choice, I was quite certain I couldn't live with myself if I aborted. But by his own admission, my husband will say that he has resented me for something of a uni-lateral decision, even though it wasn't really. He was on the fence, but I was the one to make the final decision. Because in a tie-breaker like that, it had to be my decision in the end.

Divorce wouldn't help that. I harbor no illusions about that. But it's put a strain on things and yes, sometimes I want to step away from my life and just take a big old break from everyone. 

Now, for the mirroring back part. From my perspective, it's felt like people are simply attributing motives to me that are false. That's where I become dismissive, because I know it's not worth my time in this whole matter to become worried about that. But the "just bored" thing is a little much, so I had to speak to it. I was (am) unhappy, and the restlessness I felt stemmed from unhappiness. But saying someone goes out and has an affair just to alleviate boredom is far too simplistic.

I am actually relating to every post, I think, actually. As one poster said, taking the bits that apply and not worrying too much about those that don't. But I am saying thanks to those that offer some understanding, because it's certainly nice to hear. Let's face it, knowing we are not alone in what we are going through goes a long way in helping.


----------



## Traggy

missinglife said:


> No, but I think typically narcissists don't know that they are narcissists, right?
> 
> Regardless, no...I tend to be overly empathetic if anything. I understand his feelings in this matter entirely. I know he is hurting and I feel for him and I am doing my utmost to mitigate it now that the damage is done.
> 
> But this is a place for me to express myself too. It is just as important for me to understand my own feelings, and discover what's under there, and that's what I am doing.



Someone who is empathetic toward another person would not take the road that you have chosen. Someone who is empathetic doesn't just "understand" their spouses feelings, they actually feel them. 

I dunno, all I ask you is to move out and divorce your husband. He deserves better than this and you deserve the life that you want to live. Do not be a cake eater here. You don't want to be with him, so do not be and let him live out his days with someone else.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest

Sometimes with posts (such as mine on this thread) that come off as judgmental is that you just see the post, not necessarily the emotion behind that you would see when talking face to face. That is a fact of life on anon boards. Its the reality of the internet age. I think you are well aware of that tho. 

You came across on your posts as cold and callous.

People reacted to that. You have to understand that sometimes the hard truth is the best truth. I think we dance around things far to much these days. Cheating on your husband was a heartless choice. And no one here is going to give you and validation or sympathy for making that choice.

For me when I read your posts my first thoughts, besides the coldness, was that you were in denial. That you understood the basic concepts of what you had done, what you were or weren't feeling, but you had no emotional attachment to it. LIke it didnt matter at the end of the day. If that makes any sense.

I am in no position to offer any guidance to that, because I have no concept of how that would feel. Not to say that makes me better then you, it doesnt. Just different.

I do have a question for you tho, if I may.

In past relationships, were you the ender of the relationship, or did it end on you?


----------



## Toffer

Missing,

Where did I say that you were "looking for another marriage. I am not trying to "trade up" (horrible phrase). I think it's an interesting assumption that people have made out of my posts"

My last post simply revolved around your lack of guilt for having hurt someone. I was talking about a general lack of guilt and not speciacally related to your affair. I feel guilt when I hurt someone even UNINTENTIONALLY and you've done it with full awareness. I think this may be a serious isse for you and advise you to seek individually counseling for it!


----------



## missinglife

Shaggy said:


> Has you husband gotten any help for himself in dealing with the emotional scar and pain your affair caused him?
> 
> Your posts all involved you, which makes me doubt that therapy can help a lot at the moment because you are look for it to return to you the freedom and passion you had before the commitment and responsibility you now want to dump. Counseling can give you the tools to build a great marriage , but you have to chose to use them. I predict you are going to go to a session or two and discover it isn't all about you and that it actually requires you to work and reflect on with empathy the feelings and needs of others. You will right it off as useless and walk away.
> 
> Here is a life lesson I have learned. You can chose to be self centered and selfish, but by doing so you are ultimately choosing to be left behind and out of life. Sure, you'll find men who will tell you all you want to hear about you, and they will pretend to listen about you, but those men won't care about you or help you live life. It's a lonely path to choose, since you may have men around you, but you won't have kindness or love.
> 
> That's what you have begun to choose, perhaps you've seen a bit if thus truth when your affair didn't do it for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My posts are all about me at the moment because this is a forum I chose to help me understand myself and my own motivations. 

My husband and I have discussed this. I was the one who encouraged him to talk to his sister, to tell her all, despite what it would do to my relationship with her. I haven't asked him to cover it up or to keep quiet with anyone. I don't feel the right to damage control and I know he needs his places to talk. And we've discussed individual counseling too, but we are going to start with the couples one first and move from there.

I know full well it isn't all about me, the whole situation. This particular post, however, was about me and indeed should be. What more can I offer him right now but the willingness to dig deep down into the ugly stuff and find out what happened?

And some of that ugly stuff involves him and his attitudes toward me and my kids. And I also know I will hear ugly stuff form his side, and am prepared to do so. We're going to take it right down to the ground and then see if we can rebuild it.


----------



## missinglife

Toffer said:


> Missing,
> 
> Where did I say that you were "looking for another marriage. I am not trying to "trade up" (horrible phrase). I think it's an interesting assumption that people have made out of my posts"
> 
> My last post simply revolved around your lack of guilt for having hurt someone. I was talking about a general lack of guilt and not speciacally related to your affair. I feel guilt when I hurt someone even UNINTENTIONALLY and you've done it with full awareness. I think this may be a serious isse for you and advise you to seek individually counseling for it!


Sorry, wasn't really meaning you about that trading up remark. Others have suggested it and you did say something about finding a "better marriage". I do just find it an interesting assumption. I've seen posts about "trading up" or what have you and I dislike the phrase.


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## CH

I know where you're coming from.

3 children, overburdened. Don't have any me time, can't do what I want to do anymore. Always make plans to go out and do something but the kids come up and have to be taken care of 1st.

Losing your identity, stuck in a rut being a mom and you want to be able to be free and go where you want to go, do what you want to do.

Love the family but it's all weighing you down like a big rock and you're sinking to the bottom of the deepest ocean.

Been there and still there. But I've had to buck up and do what's right for my kids. Seeing my little girls happy and smiling at me (although they are the most rotten 3 little girls in the entire world, my 3 little monsters from hell is what I call them since they're spoiled rotten from my parents) is what keeps my sanity.

When I hear them smile and run up to me yelling, daddy, daddy, daddy and giving me a big hug that makes my day. Yes, they drive me nuts and I want to stick my head in the ground and drop a 2 ton car on it but those little things keep me going.

Since our kids, we have our yearly Vegas trip and I get 2 months free of the kids since the wife takes them home to her parents back east. But no matter how bad they are or how much they want me to throw myself off the highest building on this planet, all it takes is a big hug and kiss to make all those things go away.

Then, they'll get married and won't be my problem anymore and the wife and I can finally go back to vacationing alone and enjoying ourselves. Unless the kids have children early then I know my wife.........Oh well, just another thing to look forward to...

I'll take the daddy I love you any day of the week over me missing out on life. Because my kids are my life right now, and I guess the wife too :rofl::rofl:


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## Traggy

cheatinghubby said:


> I know where you're coming from.
> 
> 3 children, overburdened. Don't have any me time, can't do what I want to do anymore. Always make plans to go out and do something but the kids come up and have to be taken care of 1st.
> 
> Losing your identity, stuck in a rut being a mom and you want to be able to be free and go where you want to go, do what you want to do.
> 
> Love the family but it's all weighing you down like a big rock and you're sinking to the bottom of the deepest ocean.
> 
> Been there and still there. But I've had to buck up and do what's right for my kids. Seeing my little girls happy and smiling at me (although they are the most rotten 3 little girls in the entire world, my 3 little monsters from hell is what I call them since they're spoiled rotten from my parents) is what keeps my sanity.
> 
> When I hear them smile and run up to me yelling, daddy, daddy, daddy and giving me a big hug that makes my day. Yes, they drive me nuts and I want to stick my head in the ground and drop a 2 ton car on it but those little things keep me going.
> 
> Since our kids, we have our yearly Vegas trip and I get 2 months free of the kids since the wife takes them home to her parents back east. But no matter how bad they are or how much they want me to throw myself off the highest building on this planet, all it takes is a big hug and kiss to make all those things go away.
> 
> Then, they'll get married and won't be my problem anymore and the wife and I can finally go back to vacationing alone and enjoying ourselves. Unless the kids have children early then I know my wife.........Oh well, just another thing to look forward to...
> 
> I'll take the daddy I love you any day of the week over me missing out on life. Because my kids are my life right now, and I guess the wife too :rofl::rofl:


This is real love. This is real marriage.


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## Toffer

Again, you've side stepped the entire issue I've raised about you getting individual counseling for yourself to try and dig into your lack of guilt.

You are obviously a well spoken and intelligent person. I wonder if someone else had posted what you have in the last 24 hours and you read it, would you not have answered it as others have done?

"I have felt very trapped in my relationship for a long time. And although I pride myself on being very open and straightforward, I found it very hard to say to the man who's been my partner for 15+ years that I felt that way, that I was struggling and drowning in it and that he and the kids and everything around me was part of the problem. So yes, I chose a path that was spectacularly unfair to him and hurt him deeply. I know that. And I do feel remorse for hurting him, but that's not necessarily the same as guilt over what I've done. Splitting hairs, maybe, but it's how I feel"

Don't you see the complete contradictions in this part of one of your posts? How can others take you seriously without wondering if there is some undiscoverd flaw in your psyche?

Again, my 2 cents from the outside looking in but I've always found that third parties removed oft see things that we can't BECAUSE we are involved in the thick of it.

Again, while I know you can't put every detail in the communications you post, you need to realize we can only advise on what we see and draw inferences from it, hoping that maybe one or more of our inferences will point you in a direction to possibly consider other things and recognize issues in yourself that you may not have realized existed. Sometimes I find postings here can serve as a guide to self-discovery


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## missinglife

Toffer said:


> Again, you've side stepped the entire issue I've raised about you getting individual counseling for yourself to try and dig into your lack of guilt.
> 
> You are obviously a well spoken and intelligent person. I wonder if someone else had posted what you have in the last 24 hours and you read it, would you not have answered it as others have done?
> 
> "I have felt very trapped in my relationship for a long time. And although I pride myself on being very open and straightforward, I found it very hard to say to the man who's been my partner for 15+ years that I felt that way, that I was struggling and drowning in it and that he and the kids and everything around me was part of the problem. So yes, I chose a path that was spectacularly unfair to him and hurt him deeply. I know that. And I do feel remorse for hurting him, but that's not necessarily the same as guilt over what I've done. Splitting hairs, maybe, but it's how I feel"
> 
> Don't you see the complete contradictions in this part of one of your posts? How can others take you seriously without wondering if there is some undiscoverd flaw in your psyche?
> 
> Again, my 2 cents from the outside looking in but I've always found that third parties removed oft see things that we can't BECAUSE we are involved in the thick of it.
> 
> Again, while I know you can't put every detail in the communications you post, you need to realize we can only advise on what we see and draw inferences from it, hoping that maybe one or more of our inferences will point you in a direction to possibly consider other things and recognize issues in yourself that you may not have realized existed. Sometimes I find postings here can serve as a guide to self-discovery


I haven't responded to you specifically on the matter of IC and my lack of guilt and digging at what it means, but I have in fact answered this. Yes and yes to both.

Again, that IS why I am here...to try to gain an understanding of all of this.


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## missinglife

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Sometimes with posts (such as mine on this thread) that come off as judgmental is that you just see the post, not necessarily the emotion behind that you would see when talking face to face. That is a fact of life on anon boards. Its the reality of the internet age. I think you are well aware of that tho.
> 
> You came across on your posts as cold and callous.
> 
> People reacted to that. You have to understand that sometimes the hard truth is the best truth. I think we dance around things far to much these days. Cheating on your husband was a heartless choice. And no one here is going to give you and validation or sympathy for making that choice.
> 
> For me when I read your posts my first thoughts, besides the coldness, was that you were in denial. That you understood the basic concepts of what you had done, what you were or weren't feeling, but you had no emotional attachment to it. LIke it didnt matter at the end of the day. If that makes any sense.
> 
> I am in no position to offer any guidance to that, because I have no concept of how that would feel. Not to say that makes me better then you, it doesnt. Just different.
> 
> I do have a question for you tho, if I may.
> 
> In past relationships, were you the ender of the relationship, or did it end on you?


I do have a strong emotional attachment to the situation. We've both been crying daily, trying to understand how we both feel, what it all means, where we (both of us) went wrong. And what we want to do from here. 

Lordy, I can hardly remember the bazillion years ago when I had prior relationships. Both, though. I've broken up with people and been broken up with.


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## missinglife

cheatinghubby said:


> I know where you're coming from.
> 
> 3 children, overburdened. Don't have any me time, can't do what I want to do anymore. Always make plans to go out and do something but the kids come up and have to be taken care of 1st.
> 
> Losing your identity, stuck in a rut being a mom and you want to be able to be free and go where you want to go, do what you want to do.
> 
> Love the family but it's all weighing you down like a big rock and you're sinking to the bottom of the deepest ocean.
> 
> Been there and still there. But I've had to buck up and do what's right for my kids. Seeing my little girls happy and smiling at me (although they are the most rotten 3 little girls in the entire world, my 3 little monsters from hell is what I call them since they're spoiled rotten from my parents) is what keeps my sanity.
> 
> When I hear them smile and run up to me yelling, daddy, daddy, daddy and giving me a big hug that makes my day. Yes, they drive me nuts and I want to stick my head in the ground and drop a 2 ton car on it but those little things keep me going.
> 
> Since our kids, we have our yearly Vegas trip and I get 2 months free of the kids since the wife takes them home to her parents back east. But no matter how bad they are or how much they want me to throw myself off the highest building on this planet, all it takes is a big hug and kiss to make all those things go away.
> 
> Then, they'll get married and won't be my problem anymore and the wife and I can finally go back to vacationing alone and enjoying ourselves. Unless the kids have children early then I know my wife.........Oh well, just another thing to look forward to...
> 
> I'll take the daddy I love you any day of the week over me missing out on life. Because my kids are my life right now, and I guess the wife too :rofl::rofl:


Yes, this is nice. And yes, I want to run away from my kids sometimes. But I won't.

I come from a family where divorce WAS actually the answer. And it wasn't an abusive relationship, it was just a better choice for both parties involved. And in the end, for the kids too. So I guess that's a bit of my perspective. I will still be there for my kids every single day. That's who I am most accountable to at the moment.


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## working_together

cheatinghubby said:


> I know where you're coming from.
> 
> 3 children, overburdened. Don't have any me time, can't do what I want to do anymore. Always make plans to go out and do something but the kids come up and have to be taken care of 1st.
> 
> Losing your identity, stuck in a rut being a mom and you want to be able to be free and go where you want to go, do what you want to do.
> 
> Love the family but it's all weighing you down like a big rock and you're sinking to the bottom of the deepest ocean.
> 
> Been there and still there. But I've had to buck up and do what's right for my kids. Seeing my little girls happy and smiling at me (although they are the most rotten 3 little girls in the entire world, my 3 little monsters from hell is what I call them since they're spoiled rotten from my parents) is what keeps my sanity.
> 
> When I hear them smile and run up to me yelling, daddy, daddy, daddy and giving me a big hug that makes my day. Yes, they drive me nuts and I want to stick my head in the ground and drop a 2 ton car on it but those little things keep me going.
> 
> Since our kids, we have our yearly Vegas trip and I get 2 months free of the kids since the wife takes them home to her parents back east. But no matter how bad they are or how much they want me to throw myself off the highest building on this planet, all it takes is a big hug and kiss to make all those things go away.
> 
> Then, they'll get married and won't be my problem anymore and the wife and I can finally go back to vacationing alone and enjoying ourselves. Unless the kids have children early then I know my wife.........Oh well, just another thing to look forward to...
> 
> I'll take the daddy I love you any day of the week over me missing out on life. Because my kids are my life right now, and I guess the wife too :rofl::rofl:


Two months without your kids?? and you call them "monsters" lol

I only wish I could have time away from my kids sometimes, and hour would be good. lol


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## Toffer

Missing,

Good luck with your life. While finally answering one of my questions, you've avoided any input on other issues raised in my posts.

Again, knowing you're too busy I shall not burden you further.


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## working_together

missinglife said:


> Yes, this is nice. And yes, I want to run away from my kids sometimes. But I won't.
> 
> I come from a family where divorce WAS actually the answer. And it wasn't an abusive relationship, it was just a better choice for both parties involved. And in the end, for the kids too. So I guess that's a bit of my perspective. I will still be there for my kids every single day. That's who I am most accountable to at the moment.


I don't know, but I get the feeling that a lot of what you are doing is based on the "right thing to do".

Look, I was where you are, I had the guilt, but lacked a lot in the remorse department, probably due to a lot of resentment. You need to go to I/C first, you need to understand why you did what you did, and you are far from understanding what went wrong with yourself (this is about you, not hubby), you're on the path to having another affair. Your passion for life is not there, there is something missing...

On the other hand, maybe I'm way off..


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## working_together

Toffer said:


> Missing,
> 
> Good luck with your life. While finally answering one of my questions, you've avoided any input on other issues raised in my posts.
> 
> Again, knowing you're too busy I shall not burden you further.


She has no answers to the questions because she herself does not know....


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## iheartlife

missinglife said:


> I come from a family where divorce WAS actually the answer. And it wasn't an abusive relationship, it was just a better choice for both parties involved. And in the end, for the kids too. So I guess that's a bit of my perspective. I will still be there for my kids every single day. That's who I am most accountable to at the moment.


This is what I suspected when you mentioned your parent's divorce. It was presented to you as an option in a so-so marriage, i.e., it wasn't abusive.

My husband and I didn't see that in our upbringing. Both of us have parents who are married to their first spouses, one for 47 years and the other for 44.

They had lots of ups and downs. All marriages have this. They had moments of boredom and being trapped. My husband's dad and mom married at 20 and had kids at 21. He often told my husband that was a mistake he shouldn't repeat.

My mom had to travel with my dad moving every few years to various countries, entirely uprooting everything and making new friends each time. It sounds more glamorous than it is (I was there).

My husband and I hit a wall after having two young kids. It was very hard for my husband to understand he couldn't do what he wanted any more without first consulting how it would impact me. That I couldn't play babysitter to our own children so he could get free time, and never allow the same for me.

I had no family and friends nearby. It was horribly hard. The way I handled it was not to have an affair--it was to take out all of my problems on my husband in a self-indulgent, self-centered way.

Then I had a severe leg injury that required 3 surgeries.
Just before that (unbeknownst to me) my husband began a long-term emotional affair.

It took these life events to stop seeing the world as something that was supposed to make me happy. I had to find happiness in the world as it presently existed. Being happy to wash the dishes because we had food to eat that made the dishes dirty and running water to clean them. Being glad that my kids need me because extremely soon they will not hardly need me at all.

Do you know what I said the week before I hurt my leg--from which I may never fully recover? I told my kids' preschool director (at a point of total exhaustion and ennui), "It can't get any worse, can it?" And I will never forget her words--said with no irony at all--"bite your tongue."

But here is something my husband and I said to each other before our problems, and we still say it today. Love is a Decision. It isn't a feeling. Do you believe this to be true?


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## missinglife

working_together said:


> I don't know, but I get the feeling that a lot of what you are doing is based on the "right thing to do".
> 
> Look, I was where you are, I had the guilt, but lacked a lot in the remorse department, probably due to a lot of resentment. You need to go to I/C first, you need to understand why you did what you did, and you are far from understanding what went wrong with yourself (this is about you, not hubby), you're on the path to having another affair. Your passion for life is not there, there is something missing...
> 
> On the other hand, maybe I'm way off..


Nope, not way off. Spot on, I'd say. Insightful.

Except the bit about having another affair. In my head (an unpleasant place to be at times, admittedly!), I have two choices...stay with him or not stay with him. There's no staying with him and carry on as things were. Bad idea for all involved. 

Despite perhaps coming across as uncaring when I say I don't feel guilt, all I am really after here is gaining an understanding of it all.


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## missinglife

working_together said:


> She has no answers to the questions because she herself does not know....


I'm not sure what question I failed to answer but there's a lot coming at me here, so it's bound to happen.

And yep, I don't know. I don't know a lot of it!


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## missinglife

iheartlife said:


> This is what I suspected when you mentioned your parent's divorce. It was presented to you as an option in a so-so marriage, i.e., it wasn't abusive.
> 
> My husband and I didn't see that in our upbringing. Both of us have parents who are married to their first spouses, one for 47 years and the other for 44.
> 
> They had lots of ups and downs. All marriages have this. They had moments of boredom and being trapped. My husband's dad and mom married at 20 and had kids at 21. He often told my husband that was a mistake he shouldn't repeat.
> 
> My mom had to travel with my dad moving every few years to various countries, entirely uprooting everything and making new friends each time. It sounds more glamorous than it is (I was there).
> 
> My husband and I hit a wall after having two young kids. It was very hard for my husband to understand he couldn't do what he wanted any more without first consulting how it would impact me. That I couldn't play babysitter to our own children so he could get free time, and never allow the same for me.
> 
> I had no family and friends nearby. It was horribly hard. The way I handled it was not to have an affair--it was to take out all of my problems on my husband in a self-indulgent, self-centered way.
> 
> Then I had a severe leg injury that required 3 surgeries.
> Just before that (unbeknownst to me) my husband began a long-term emotional affair.
> 
> It took these life events to stop seeing the world as something that was supposed to make me happy. I had to find happiness in the world as it presently existed. Being happy to wash the dishes because we had food to eat that made the dishes dirty and running water to clean them. Being glad that my kids need me because extremely soon they will not hardly need me at all.
> 
> Do you know what I said the week before I hurt my leg--from which I may never fully recover? I told my kids' preschool director (at a point of total exhaustion and ennui), "It can't get any worse, can it?" And I will never forget her words--said with no irony at all--"bite your tongue."
> 
> But here is something my husband and I said to each other before our problems, and we still say it today. Love is a Decision. It isn't a feeling. Do you believe this to be true?


I don't know what I believe to be true at the moment. A huge part of the problem. My mind changes from one minute to the next.

I do still think that divorce is an option, and a viable one at that. I DON'T know if it's the right thing in my case, but I don't discount it, if that's what it comes to after we've tried.

But thank you for sharing your story.


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## TorontoBoyWest

iheartlife said:


> This is what I suspected when you mentioned your parent's divorce. It was presented to you as an option in a so-so marriage, i.e., it wasn't abusive.
> 
> My husband and I didn't see that in our upbringing. Both of us have parents who are married to their first spouses, one for 47 years and the other for 44.
> 
> They had lots of ups and downs. All marriages have this. They had moments of boredom and being trapped. My husband's dad and mom married at 20 and had kids at 21. He often told my husband that was a mistake he shouldn't repeat.
> 
> My mom had to travel with my dad moving every few years to various countries, entirely uprooting everything and making new friends each time. It sounds more glamorous than it is (I was there).
> 
> My husband and I hit a wall after having two young kids. It was very hard for my husband to understand he couldn't do what he wanted any more without first consulting how it would impact me. That I couldn't play babysitter to our own children so he could get free time, and never allow the same for me.
> 
> I had no family and friends nearby. It was horribly hard. The way I handled it was not to have an affair--it was to take out all of my problems on my husband in a self-indulgent, self-centered way.
> 
> Then I had a severe leg injury that required 3 surgeries.
> Just before that (unbeknownst to me) my husband began a long-term emotional affair.
> 
> *It took these life events to stop seeing the world as something that was supposed to make me happy. I had to find happiness in the world as it presently existed. Being happy to wash the dishes because we had food to eat that made the dishes dirty and running water to clean them. Being glad that my kids need me because extremely soon they will not hardly need me at all.*
> 
> Do you know what I said the week before I hurt my leg--from which I may never fully recover? I told my kids' preschool director (at a point of total exhaustion and ennui), "It can't get any worse, can it?" And I will never forget her words--said with no irony at all--"bite your tongue."
> 
> But here is something my husband and I said to each other before our problems, and we still say it today. Love is a Decision. It isn't a feeling. Do you believe this to be true?


This, I think, is the most valuable piece of imformation in this thread for OP.


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## missinglife

You know, here's a little tidbit for anyone who is watching this thread...

I WANT to want this, if that makes any sense. I am not the sort of person who is constantly discontent and revels in it, or looks to be dissatisfied. So I WANT to be content in what I have, believe it or not, no matter what my actions say. 

And I've always been a go-out-and-make-your-own-happiness kind of girl. It's just that it somehow seems to have gotten lost and I haven't found a good way to regain it. 

And one more little tidbit that I told my husband the other day, before I ever started posting here... 

I am grateful for the opportunity to try to figure this out with him, whether we end up together or not. He could so easily withdraw into his own hurt and anger, and that would be bad for both of us. But he is not that sort of person, and I am truly grateful for that.


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## Deejo

Me? 

I prefer the simple things.

You attracted to him?

And I don't mean that you think he's a standup guy and good provider. I mean are you physically, and/or intimately attracted to your husband?


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## Deejo

Me? 

I prefer the simple things.

You attracted to him?

And I don't mean that you think he's a standup guy and good provider. I mean are you physically, and/or intimately attracted to your husband?


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## LoveMouse

I have never seen a mother think only of herself, throw her children and husband to the side b/c she wasn't sure she knew what SHE wanted.
I have never seen a marriage work where the spouses put themselves first.
NPD X 100
I would seek professional help, seek Jesus, you need him, only he can heal you and show you true happiness.
Mouse


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## EleGirl

missinglife said:


> Nothing ever "says it all". I've stated clearly that I do feel badly for hurting him. But I don't necessarily feel guilt about my actions.
> 
> Complicated? Yep, you bet.


I wonder if the reason you don't feel badly about hurting him is that he has hurt you badly with the way he has thrown the issues with your youngest back at you... as though it's your fault and your responsibility.

To me your sounds 'empty' as though you have lost something very important and thus cannot feel. I raised 3 hard to deal with children. I know how they can take everything you have out of you. I wonder if this has happened with you.

Are there things in you life today that bring you real joy? Do you still laugh at the things you used to laugh at? What makes you really happy these days? These are important questions I'd like to hear the response to.


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## unhappilymarriedinne

When I read your original post, it really hit home. Our situations are not exactly the same -- I haven't cheated, but I often find myself thinking about whom I might date if we did get divorced -- but I do understand your feelings about wanting to be alone. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and have two children. There was one issue of my husband's that was a problem before we were married, and I naively thought it would change. It still hasn't, and it has made me feel so disconnected from him. 

A couple years ago, we were living apart during the week for work-related reasons, so I got a taste of what life as a single mom would be. It was very hard, but I also liked it. On the weekends when my husband came home, it was so hard to get used to accommodating him again. It felt like he wasn't contributing to the family emotionally and also just became one more person to cook for and clean up after. I found myself thinking that if we weren't together anymore, he'd at least be completely responsible for the kids every other weekend. 

I know to many other posters on here that sounds selfish and immature of me to think it would be better for me alone, but you can never fully understand another person's relationship. Like missinglife, I want to want it to work, but after 9 years of being the cheerleader in the relationship, I'm tired. I know I used to try harder at the romance and everything else, but I've gone into survival mode. I do my best to see that my kids are happy and supported, but my husband feels more like a roommate than a husband or even a close friend. 

I feel like this, yet I can't talk to anyone about it because I still care enough about my husband that I don't want to "air our dirty laundry" to any of our family or anyone in our small town. (Sadly, I don't have anyone I can trust to be confidential.) I've tried talking to my husband, but he'll just try harder for a few days and then slide back to the way things were until my frustration builds enough to have another discussion that turns into an argument.


----------

