# Is my marriage doomed? Do I want it to be?



## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

I'm writing this half in search of advice and guidance and half to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. It is so noisy in my head I think I might be going insane.

My wife and I have been married for 4 years (together for 7). We have two kids (one we had together and one she had from a previous marriage that I legally adopted). I also have another child from a previous marriage who lives in Montana (hundreds of miles from us). My wife is always fairly cold to this kid when she is around and never really considers her part of the family. I used to discuss it with her and try to fix it...it always ended in massive fights. I stopped trying to fix that situation years ago...it is what it is. 

On the surface things seem good. We never fight (like NEVER - we both go pretty far out of our way to avoid conflict), have no money issues, kids are well behaved, everyone is healthy. Problem is things have gotten so stale that it is the quintessential roommate type situation. No emotion or expression of love (except what is directed at kids), zero intimacy, very rare sex (3-4 times a year? I'd guess we've had sex a total of 10 times in the last 4 years). We buy each other gifts at the appropriate time and may occasionally say something kind over a text message but that is about it. 

The no sex thing is obv a big part of the problem. We both used to complain about the lack of it (years ago). She always has insisted that I initiate....I used to do so but it was always the missionary, in the dark, with most of her clothes still on (she doesn't like being naked). Eventually I started experiencing some ED when I tried to initiate which was completely humiliating for both of us. After that happend a time or two I pretty much gave up. I know I don't have physical issues - I get morning wood daily haha And if I'm alone and want to clear the pipes via righty or lefty I have no problem.

I feel completely bored, trapped, unarosed and stagnant. I have never communicated any of this verbally...I don't trust myself to do so in a way that wouldn't be destructive. Early in our relationship we talked way more about this type of topic and they always went to a bad place. If we didn't have young kids (youngest is 5) I would cut my losses and just go back to being single. 

I look at people who are single or divorced with envy. I have never cheated but now I fantasize about it. I fantasize about her leaving me. I feel guilty and excited about both of those statements. 


What say you kind folks? Am I doomed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think marital and individual counselling might be in order.


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> The fact that you let your wife's attitude and lack of care toward your own child speaks volumes about yourself (so weak).
> 
> How could you ever developed a more serious relationship with this woman if you knew she didn't like your child, but at the same time you adopted her child, and that's OK, because it is her child.
> 
> ...



Weakness (or stupidity) on my part certainly led to part of the issue with my other kid. I told myself that situation would get better with time (it didn't) and reasoned that if I tried to force the issue I'd end up without custody of either of my kids.

As far as will I do nothing now? That's kind of the bind I'm in - I'm certainly not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of massive child support bills.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Hanshotfirst said:


> I'm writing this half in search of advice and guidance and half to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. It is so noisy in my head I think I might be going insane.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 4 years (together for 7). We have two kids (one we had together and one she had from a previous marriage that I legally adopted). I also have another child from a previous marriage who lives in Montana (hundreds of miles from us). My wife is always fairly cold to this kid when she is around and never really considers her part of the family. I used to discuss it with her and try to fix it...it always ended in massive fights. I stopped trying to fix that situation years ago...it is what it is.
> 
> ...


Hello Hans

Put Rob on ignore - he's just way too obsessed about the size, strength and condition of other men's balls for me.


Seeking help on the internet is on one hand a courageous thing to do but you've also got to have some thick skin and be able to not take offense easily. There are tons of men peacocking on their keyboards that like to criticize other men to feel better about themselves. 

moving on ---- before your thread gets filled up with manosphere empty advice like "I just had great sex with my wife like 5 minutes ago and I suggest you go read the book 'No More Mr Nice Dude' and learn how to manipulate your wife into wanting to have more sex with you", I thought I'd drop in a quick reference to an article by a real and well seasoned successful marriage counselor about how a husband should or might go about getting the sex they want in marriage. 

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Will Harley.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Hanshotfirst said:


> I'm writing this half in search of advice and guidance and half to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. It is so noisy in my head I think I might be going insane.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 4 years (together for 7). We have two kids (one we had together and one she had from a previous marriage that I legally adopted). I also have another child from a previous marriage who lives in Montana (hundreds of miles from us). My wife is always fairly cold to this kid when she is around and never really considers her part of the family. I used to discuss it with her and try to fix it...it always ended in massive fights. I stopped trying to fix that situation years ago...it is what it is.
> 
> ...


The bolded is an important statement. As long as neither of you is willing to face a little confrontation and conflict, nothing will ever change.

There's a common myth that conflict in marriage is bad. Too much is bad, or conflict about certain things at certain times may be bad, but sometimes you have to bring things to a head (so to speak) to have any chance of progress. Sometimes, a little conflict is the only possibly catalyst to avoid stagnation, and stagnation kills anything, marriages included. 

I'f you don't know how to constructively engage in conflict, or you're uncomfortable doing so, then you'd do well to heed @MattMatt advice and seek some couples counseling.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The bolded is an important statement. As long as neither of you is willing to face a little confrontation and conflict, nothing will ever change.
> 
> There's a common myth that conflict in marriage is bad. Too much is bad, or conflict about certain things at certain times may be bad, but sometimes you have to bring things to a head (so to speak) to have any chance of progress. Sometimes, a little conflict is the only possibly catalyst to avoid stagnation, and stagnation kills anything, marriages included.
> 
> I'f you don't know how to constructively engage in conflict, or you're uncomfortable doing so, then you'd do well to heed @MattMatt advice and seek some couples counseling.


Agreed. If you aren't willing to engage in some conflict, you will not be able to resolve problems. I'm not talking about hostility at all. Conflict doesn't have to be hostility or anger. If you can internalize this concept it will go a long way in helping you to approach a difficult situation and make progress forward.

The idea is to have a collaborative attitude when approaching a situation, if you need to talk about it. However, there may be another way to deal with this situation. You cannot make your wife do anything, but you can work with her and treat her how you would want to be treated if you were in her shoes. 

How do you treat your wife? Do you treat her like an honored and valuable person? Do you accept yourself and have confidence in yourself as a valued and honored person? It is difficult to resolve anything if you don't start with those two things. I recommend that you take a good hard look at yourself and assess what kind of changes you want to make in yourself to be the man that you want to be. Focus on that until you have developed habits that you are satisfied with and feel good about who you are.

Do you appreciate the things your wife contributes to you and to the family? Do you notice what is good about her and what you like about her? I recommend you begin to articulate those things to your wife. It can start out as a simple "thank you" for whatever she is doing at the moment. Did she clean the bathroom? You could say, "Hey the bathroom looks great. Thank you." Being noticed and appreciated has a way of encouraging a person and fosters good will. You two need to build good will, but it starts with you, the person asking the question of what to do. You cannot make her do anything, but if you start first and develop an appreciative and loving attitude it will go a long way in improving your relationship.

Also noticing her and appreciating things about her is good. If she has on a top that suits her face, tell her. If you like her new haircut, let her know she's looking good.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This relationship lacks intimacy. It is the most severe lack of intimacy I have ever seen in a relationship not affected by infidelity. Perhaps infidelity in prior relationships has left both of you unable to share with each other.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

All I know is I wouldn't stay married to a woman that I only had sex with 3-4 times per year. That would be a deal breaker for me.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

A lot of what you said sounds familiar to me.

If you don't think you can express how you feel directly, write it down and use it as a script or let her read it. I've learned I shouldn't have been so concerned about my own fragile ego. I should have done what was necessary to save my marriage (too late for me now).


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> Agreed. If you aren't willing to engage in some conflict, you will not be able to resolve problems. I'm not talking about hostility at all. Conflict doesn't have to be hostility or anger. If you can internalize this concept it will go a long way in helping you to approach a difficult situation and make progress forward.


We used to try to talk out some of these issues but they got very hostile, very quickly. It didn't take long to degrade to where we were intentionally trying to say things that would be painful....more like a verbal alley fight. I understand that communication is key...I just know that on some of the key issues (like my other kid who I would like to attempt to get custody of...whole 'nother story) there is not a chance of agreeing.

In general though, we are polite to each other...we joke and have small talk (how was your day, talk about kids etc)



Mr. Nail said:


> This relationship lacks intimacy. It is the most severe lack of intimacy I have ever seen in a relationship not affected by infidelity. Perhaps infidelity in prior relationships has left both of you unable to share with each other.


I can't even recall the last time we kissed (other than a peck on the cheek). I'd say we've only even hugged once or twice in the last 4 or 5 months. It is odd because we aren't cold or mean to each other. It is way more like siblings.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

If you two can't discuss things without it getting heated then marriage counseling seems like a logical solution.

While the lack of intimacy is being addressed, it would be a good time to address the glaring issue below. If a lack of intimacy is affecting you so negatively as an adult with full control over his life and the ability to affect change in his life, imagine how your daughter must feel. This situation will have such a big impact on your daughter emotionally all the way through adulthood if left ignored. She'll have enough struggles to deal with as a normal adult even without this emotional baggage from childhood.



Hanshotfirst said:


> I also have another child from a previous marriage who lives in Montana (hundreds of miles from us). My wife is always fairly cold to this kid when she is around and never really considers her part of the family. I used to discuss it with her and try to fix it...it always ended in massive fights. I stopped trying to fix that situation years ago...it is what it is.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Unless you begin to affirm her and notice what is good about her, nothing will improve. The kind of relationship you describe is ripe for an affair. It's time for you to make some improvements to how you relate to your wife or nothing is going to change. Only affirm her in areas that you believe. Don't try to manipulate her or say things that you don't really believe.

Examples would be:
Complimenting her on how she deals with issues with the kids. 
Giving her an actual pat on the back when she does something well.
Buying her flowers and a card for her birthday.
Telling her she looks pretty. 
Telling her when something looks good on her.

You have the power to make changes in yourself that your wife will likely respond to favorably. Be nature and upbeat towards her. Encourage the kids to honor their mother. Make sure you take them shopping for her birthday, etc. 

This should not be about getting sex. It should be about improving your relationship and learning to enjoy each other again. Once you feel more comfortable with each other again, you can start making some more affectionate moves towards her and work on your sex life. Right now if she thinks all you want is sex, you will get nothing. But if you work on building relationship without asking anything from her, you will likely get a positive response.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Unless you begin to affirm her and notice what is good about her, nothing will improve. The kind of relationship you describe is ripe for an affair. It's time for you to make some improvements to how you relate to your wife or nothing is going to change. Only affirm her in areas that you believe. Don't try to manipulate her or say things that you don't really believe.
> 
> Examples would be:
> Complimenting her on how she deals with issues with the kids.
> ...


Normally I'd agree with this... BUT:

There are some glaring issues here. The fact that his wife treats his child coldly. The fact that OP wants to try to get custody of his child, but is forestalled in that by his wife. Wait, what?? This is your CHILD!!! You adopted hers, but yours is out in the cold?? I don't know how you can continue to be even be civil to your wife. But that's just me. 

The fact that OPs wife won't get naked, has to have sex in the dark, and only missionary.

In these circumstances I'd be hard pressed to make **more** effort to " honor" this woman!!!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I want to clarify. When I said that this relationship has no intimacy I wasn't talking only about sex. I mean you don't have emotional intimacy. You don't have shared secrets. I would not be surprised to find out you don't have a joint account. I'm basing my claim on the sex while mostly dressed description. Following that I have to assume that you don't shower together. You are two strangers connected only by the kids. I'm not saying that the lack of sexual intimacy is not a problem, I'm saying it is just the tip of the iceberg (pun take it as you feel)

Here is the deal. Intimacy invites more intimacy. Intimacy builds trust. Trust is the thing that relationships are made up of. So when you ask "is the relationship doomed?" I say yes the relationship obviously lacks the thing that healthy strong relationships are made up of. 

I'm not sure all is lost. There are ways to build intimacy from nothing. I think, or I get the feeling that there is a kind of trust between you. As much as I wonder how you built that and how strong it really is, I think it is something that you can use to leverage intimacy. The approach is, I know you are not comfortable sharing this, but can you trust me enough to share it just a little? If we can't have the lights on can we have a candle? If were not having sex, can we have touch? The level of intimacy that you both are able to share should at least be more than where you are. 

The things to avoid are pushing, and breaking promises. If you can slowly be more open with each other without any mistakes or betrayal, you can become more than room mates.


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Normally I'd agree with this... BUT:
> 
> There are some glaring issues here. The fact that his wife treats his child coldly. The fact that OP wants to try to get custody of his child, but is forestalled in that by his wife. Wait, what?? This is your CHILD!!! You adopted hers, but yours is out in the cold?? I don't know how you can continue to be even be civil to your wife. But that's just me.
> 
> ...


Just to clarify a little bit - it isn't that my other child is completely out in the cold, she lives with her mom. But my wife has always been cold to her and would strongly resist me trying to get custody. Over the years this has left me with a lot of resentment.



Mr. Nail said:


> I want to clarify. When I said that this relationship has no intimacy I wasn't talking only about sex. I mean you don't have emotional intimacy. You don't have shared secrets. I would not be surprised to find out you don't have a joint account. I'm basing my claim on the sex while mostly dressed description. Following that I have to assume that you don't shower together. You are two strangers connected only by the kids. I'm not saying that the lack of sexual intimacy is not a problem, I'm saying it is just the tip of the iceberg (pun take it as you feel)
> 
> Here is the deal. Intimacy invites more intimacy. Intimacy builds trust. Trust is the thing that relationships are made up of. So when you ask "is the relationship doomed?" I say yes the relationship obviously lacks the thing that healthy strong relationships are made up of.
> 
> ...


Yeah all of our stuff is separate - all accounts, emails, phones - all that is separate. I think we do trust each other, we definitely see each other as good parents to our shared kids.

Part of me, maybe even the majority of me, wants it to be doomed. Then I think of my kids and feel sick to my stomach. As I type this, if I could define my perfect scenario with this as the starting point would be to live in the same house while separated (its a fairly large house) until the kids are older. I know that isn't realistic.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You have both already got children from 2 different marriages, and now you are thinking of ending that and presumably eventually meeting someone else and having more children in yet another marriage? How many more do you want? 

Please think of the children you have, they have already have messed up lives except for the one you have together, and get some good long term marriage counselling. You made promises to her, and you have responsibilities to the children. Be a man and work on the marriage and stop thinking of running away when things get a bit tough.


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> You have both already got children from 2 different marriages, and now you are thinking of ending that and presumably eventually meeting someone else and having more children in yet another marriage? How many more do you want?
> 
> Please think of the children you have, they have already have messed up lives except for the one you have together, and get some good long term marriage counselling. You made promises to her, and you have responsibilities to the children. Be a man and work on the marriage and stop thinking of running away when things get a bit tough.


No, no more kids (vasectomy). No matter what happens I will be here for the kids. Not going anywhere (won't be repeating that mistake)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hanshotfirst said:


> She always has insisted that I initiate....I used to do so but it was always the missionary, in the dark, with most of her clothes still on (she doesn't like being naked). Eventually I started experiencing some ED when I tried to initiate which was completely humiliating for both of us. After that happend a time or two I pretty much gave up.


Just an FYI. If I was with someone like that, I wouldn't be able to get it up either. 

And I would not have any interest in going back for more either. 

For an adult man past the age of 30 to get an erection, there has to be at least some level of desire, arousal and stimulation. 

What you describe sounds horrible and she is simply a dud in bed. No adult man would want that and no self-respecting man would go back for more of that after it occurred more than once.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In regards to the other issues, you sound like she has always been a cold fish, never had much interest in your other child, you've always lived somewhat parallel yet separate lives and have never really clicked on any kind of emotional, romantic or sexual level. 

Which brings me to the obvious question - What made you think she was marriage and mother material in the first place?????

If you think that marriage counseling will change both your and her core characters and personalities for the better, I suppose you could give it a try. 

But the issue with marriage counseling is that it rarely actually transforms people into other people. What MC typically does is opens up channels of communication so people are better able to express their needs and boundaries and better able to discuss key issues in a more healthy and appropriate manner. 

Now you two certain have some serious communication issues, so MC may be of benefit in that regard. 

But I have a hunch that the improved communication will allow each of you to better express that you have no love, desire, affection or sexual attraction for each other and she will be better able to express that she has no warmth or love for your daughter and does not want her around. And she may be better able to express that she doesn't want to have an actual marital sex life with you. 

Yes, technically that is an improvement in communication; but it really doesn't solve any problems.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

....... now to be fair, if she is actually a warm, affectionate, loving and sexual person and you are doing or not doing something that is turning her off and causing her to be resentful like picking your nose and eating it or something, then if MC is able to bring that out and you are able to correct the behavior that is hampering her loving feelings, then MC may help. 

But if the truth of the matter is that she a cold, unaffectionate, dead fish that is not attracted to you and doesn't want your daughter around - MC is not going to transform her into someone she is not. 

Nor is it going to transform you into someone that digs cold, unaffectionate, dead fish that are duds in bed and who don't like your daughter. 

So bottom line is if you have a legitimate reason to believe that there is some fairly simple thing that is hampering her ability to be warm and close and desirous of you that you would be able to correct which would then allow her to love, respect and desire you - then MC is obviously worth a try. 

But if all reasonable indications are that this is just simply who and what she is, then you can't counsel that away and your time, energy and money may be better spent a good divorce attorney and amicable divorce plan and cooperative coparenting plan. 

(or better spent on completely detaching yourself emotionally and living a completely separate life from her under the same roof)


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> ....... now to be fair, if she is actually a warm, affectionate, loving and sexual person and you are doing or not doing something that is turning her off and causing her to be resentful like picking your nose and eating it or something, then if MC is able to bring that out and you are able to correct the behavior that is hampering her loving feelings, then MC may help.
> 
> But if the truth of the matter is that she a cold, unaffectionate, dead fish that is not attracted to you and doesn't want your daughter around - MC is not going to transform her into someone she is not.
> 
> ...


I'd guess that MC could help with the sex issues. I'm fairly certain it is caused by a cocktail of lack of intimacy insecurities, stagnation and stubbornness (random ED doesn't help - though I don't even know if I'd call not getting it up in these situations ED). That and the fact that she doesn't like to be seen naked drives me nuts. I think part of the reason I don't initiate is due to being irritated in that regard. The problem now is - I almost think of her like a sister...our relationship has been like for so long that it is hard to even imagine kissing her passionately. 

The issue with my other kid is a tougher one. I have deep, deep resentment there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hanshotfirst said:


> No, no more kids (vasectomy). No matter what happens I will be here for the kids. Not going anywhere (won't be repeating that mistake)


 IF you leave your wife and children you ARE going somewhere. out of their home and to a large extent their lives. Also how many women will be interested in a twice divorced man who is financially supporting three children and cant have a child with them?

Please work on the marriage, you have responsibilities.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hanshotfirst said:


> I'd guess that MC could help with the sex issues. I'm fairly certain it is caused by a cocktail of lack of intimacy insecurities, stagnation and stubbornness (random ED doesn't help - though I don't even know if I'd call not getting it up in these situations ED). That and the fact that she doesn't like to be seen naked drives me nuts. I think part of the reason I don't initiate is due to being irritated in that regard.


There is kind of a deep-seated myth that men are always ready, willing and able to have sex with any woman that will have them at any time, place or situation. 

But that is exactly that - a myth. The truth is a guy has to at have some level of attraction and desire for that particular woman and he has to feel at least somewhat comfortable and be somewhat aroused and stimulated. 

What you are describing is not ED. I don't think any other man would want to be with someone like that either. 

If you think MC might help, then try it. If nothing else, it would help you sleep at night knowing that you did everything you could and gave it an honest try.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Has she always been like this? What was the relationship like before you married and how long did you date for? As for sex-does she enjoy it? Are you pleasing her (does she O)? Perhaps she's a victim of sexual assault in her past that's causing her to shut you out. 

When you bottle things up, it builds up inside you. Then once there's a crack in the seam, the seam breaks wide open & the pressure comes exploding out. The first step is to just talk about the issue of discussing things calmly. A marriage counselor can definitely help with the communication issue as well.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hanshotfirst said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> > .......  now to be fair, if she is actually a warm, affectionate, loving and sexual person and you are doing or not doing something that is turning her off and causing her to be resentful like picking your nose and eating it or something, then if MC is able to bring that out and you are able to correct the behavior that is hampering her loving feelings, then MC may help.
> ...


My take is that counseling isn't going to help this. Maybe sexual counseling for her, but she'd have to view her refusal to be naked with her husband as a problem she wants to fix. It doesn't sound like she is interested in fixing that.

Honestly, the issue about her/your child would be enough for me to divorce her on the spot. I'm a parent. I'd never be able to partner with someone who wasn't open and warm to my child. And that's after you ADOPTED her child. I feel for you. I'm very sorry you are in this situation.


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Has she always been like this? What was the relationship like before you married and how long did you date for? As for sex-does she enjoy it? Are you pleasing her (does she O)? Perhaps she's a victim of sexual assault in her past that's causing her to shut you out.
> 
> When you bottle things up, it builds up inside you. Then once there's a crack in the seam, the seam breaks wide open & the pressure comes exploding out. The first step is to just talk about the issue of discussing things calmly. A marriage counselor can definitely help with the communication issue as well.


Back when we had sex it was fine, especially in the beginning. Even then though she had issues being naked (except a time or two where lots of booze was involved)...we've never showered together or anything like that. I believe she enjoyed it, I tried to always make sure she climaxed even if I did first.



Livvie said:


> My take is that counseling isn't going to help this. Maybe sexual counseling for her, but she'd have to view her refusal to be naked with her husband as a problem she wants to fix. It doesn't sound like she is interested in fixing that.
> 
> Honestly, the issue about her/your child would be enough for me to divorce her on the spot. I'm a parent. I'd never be able to partner with someone who wasn't open and warm to my child. And that's after you ADOPTED her child. I feel for you. I'm very sorry you are in this situation.


Yeah I have some real anger built up here. I always shove it down because of the kids we have together (adopted and the one we had the old fashioned way). It is getting harder and harder to do that. Even though nothing major has happened recently, no big fights or traumatic events - I've just slowly come the realization that I'm extremely unhappy.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> IF you leave your wife and children you ARE going somewhere. out of their home and to a large extent their lives. Also how many women will be interested in a twice divorced man who is financially supporting three children and cant have a child with them?
> 
> *Please work on the marriage*, you have responsibilities.


Diana you have a solid track record for supporting continuation of existing marriages, But I thought that in this case you would clearly see that there is no real marriage here. While it is true that he has legal responsibilities to the children (including his first), he does not need to stay in an unloving, uncommitted Pseudo relationship with their mother in order to fulfill his responsibility. He is doing fine with his first child without living with their mother. Quite honestly if his current wife were here she would admit that all she wants from him is his money. 

The lack of another interested woman is no deterrent, His wife is not interested either. In most cases like this the man has a better relationship with the kids than he does with their mother.


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Diana you have a solid track record for supporting continuation of existing marriages, But I thought that in this case you would clearly see that there is no real marriage here. While it is true that he has legal responsibilities to the children (including his first), he does not need to stay in an unloving, uncommitted Pseudo relationship with their mother in order to fulfill his responsibility. He is doing fine with his first child without living with their mother. Quite honestly if his current wife were here she would admit that all she wants from him is his money.
> 
> The lack of another interested woman is no deterrent, His wife is not interested either. In most cases like this the man has a better relationship with the kids than he does with their mother.


The odd thing is my wife really acts like nothing is wrong....posts positive stuff on FB, doesn't really complain about stuff, makes small talk and things like that. I did to for a long time, but the last month or so all of this is really reaching a boiling point. Almost like I've been supressing anger and lack of intimacy for years and now its getting really hard to contain.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Diana you have a solid track record for supporting continuation of existing marriages, But I thought that in this case you would clearly see that there is no real marriage here. While it is true that he has legal responsibilities to the children (including his first), he does not need to stay in an unloving, uncommitted Pseudo relationship with their mother in order to fulfill his responsibility. He is doing fine with his first child without living with their mother. Quite honestly if his current wife were here she would admit that all she wants from him is his money.
> 
> The lack of another interested woman is no deterrent, His wife is not interested either. In most cases like this the man has a better relationship with the kids than he does with their mother.


He made promises, he has responsibilities to be a full time committed father.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> He made promises, he has responsibilities to be a full time committed father.


 No, that contract has already been broken on the other part. In Fact he can NOT be a full time committed Husband to a Wife that is neither committed nor full time. 

Now I am aware that you said Father. But your entire argument is that he cannot be a father unless he is living with their mother (a Husband). This is patently false as shown by his daughter by a previous wife. The same standard must be applied to both situations.

Finally, what will these two children gain by closely observing this dysfunctional farce of a marriage? This is not about getting more sex. This is about a marriage where two become one through all kinds of shared intimacies. (emotional, financial, sexual) His "wife" is not giving him weekends, half the holidays and 5 weeks in the summer. She is giving him 4 phone calls a year. This relationship is not good for the kids either.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Mr. Nail, you should heed your own advise and get out of YOUR false marriage as well....

OP, I hate to say this since you cant change history but you should never have entered into a marriage with a woman who made it clear that she does not like your child. How awful for your daughter! You are supposed to protect her, you let her down. 

Maybe if the two of you can get into MC, you can get down to the reasons for her dislike/resentment of your daughter. That is the only way it can ever be resolved, IF it can be. As far as the sex is concerned, have you ruled out for certain that she could be having an affair?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Your wife has checked out, so you don't really have a marriage. Most likely, she's been cheating for a long time. In any event, you've got to
protect your daughter.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

I'm waiting on the answer to the question about why you thought she would be a great wife. 

Sounds to me like she had some abuse problems when young. Have you guys talked about it? I was married to one. I learned by watching their family, and from lots of research and counseling, that these kinds of people can act like nothing at all is amiss while the 800 lb gorilla is smashing furniture up, breaking windows, and tearing up the carpeting. 

Monstrous problems in the marriage and acting like nothing is wrong. Never communicating about it. Because they are skilled at avoidance, evasion, and faking a false front.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> @Mr. Nail, you should heed your own advise and get out of YOUR false marriage as well....


It's hard to dispute what you say, but it is threads like this that keep me married. Compared to the level of any intimacy in this marriage, my marriage is in a honeymoon phase. Of course compared to the first 10 years my marriage is this one. To give the OP a comparison I'll note the levels of intimacy I'm currently living in.
We shower together a couple of times a week.
We have sex mostly naked (sometimes we just can't wait to get all the clothes off) with low lighting. About once a week.
We have a shared phone account. Separate bank accounts that we each have access to. In case I need to move money to cover an expense.
Shared volunteer hobby.
Not enough shared conversation. Only talk about trivial things and volunteer work. 
Our kids are adults, but most of them live with us. Restricts intimacy rather than builds it.
The biggest problem has been promises of intimacy that have been carelessly broken. I don't get those promises (rain checks) any more.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> It's hard to dispute what you say, but it is threads like this that keep me married. Compared to the level of any intimacy in this marriage, my marriage is in a honeymoon phase. Of course compared to the first 10 years my marriage is this one. To give the OP a comparison I'll note the levels of intimacy I'm currently living in.
> We shower together a couple of times a week.
> We have sex mostly naked (sometimes we just can't wait to get all the clothes off) with low lighting. About once a week.
> We have a shared phone account. Separate bank accounts that we each have access to. In case I need to move money to cover an expense.
> ...


In another of life's many bad timings, kids move out as menopause strikes. 

Compared to sex, getting ahead of the curve and kicking ass in business, education, finances, hobbies, fitness, or any other of life's mane endeavors, is a walk in the park.


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## Hanshotfirst (Mar 19, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> @Mr. Nail, you should heed your own advise and get out of YOUR false marriage as well....
> 
> OP, I hate to say this since you cant change history but you should never have entered into a marriage with a woman who made it clear that she does not like your child. How awful for your daughter! You are supposed to protect her, you let her down.
> 
> Maybe if the two of you can get into MC, you can get down to the reasons for her dislike/resentment of your daughter. That is the only way it can ever be resolved, IF it can be. As far as the sex is concerned, have you ruled out for certain that she could be having an affair?


I ignored warning signs that the mixed family issues would be a problem. I thought it would get better in time, I also thought that by adopting her kid would be a bridge of sorts.

For the sex stuff - I don't see how she could be having an affair. She was a SAHM for a couple years or worked part time. I work from home and we track each other fairly regularly with phone location apps. She also always talks very harshly about cheaters in general whenever the subject comes up (random neighbor etc...)



[email protected] said:


> I'm waiting on the answer to the question about why you thought she would be a great wife.
> 
> Sounds to me like she had some abuse problems when young. Have you guys talked about it? I was married to one. I learned by watching their family, and from lots of research and counseling, that these kinds of people can act like nothing at all is amiss while the 800 lb gorilla is smashing furniture up, breaking windows, and tearing up the carpeting.
> 
> Monstrous problems in the marriage and acting like nothing is wrong. Never communicating about it. Because they are skilled at avoidance, evasion, and faking a false front.


No, we've never discussed any type of abuse situations. We both do come from divorced families (multiple divorces on both sides) but as far as I know there isn't any history of abuse. To your first question - she has lots of good qualities that drew me in (and she wasn't harsh to my kid at the very beginning, though she wasn't around her much). That said we didn't date for too long before we decided to have a kid together, and I ignored any potential issues because I didn't want to see them. 



Mr. Nail said:


> It's hard to dispute what you say, but it is threads like this that keep me married. Compared to the level of any intimacy in this marriage, my marriage is in a honeymoon phase. Of course compared to the first 10 years my marriage is this one. To give the OP a comparison I'll note the levels of intimacy I'm currently living in.
> We shower together a couple of times a week.
> We have sex mostly naked (sometimes we just can't wait to get all the clothes off) with low lighting. About once a week.
> We have a shared phone account. Separate bank accounts that we each have access to. In case I need to move money to cover an expense.
> ...


Man....
Shower together = never once 
Sex = avg of 5 times a year for the last 3 years. I have to initiate and performance has been slacking (on my part)
Phones = separate
One joint account for bills, all else seperate
no shared hobbies
some conversation, usually about work, kids or other family stuff (parents, vacations etc)
Intimacy? I can't remember the last time there was a passionate kiss (rarely that even during sex) or even a real hug. No verbal "i love yous" on either side.


All that said, she really acts like nothing is wrong. I've grown more and more distant lately as this all builds up in me, but she really seems oblivious to it.


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