# Husband clued in to 180...



## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

I've just started the 180 and my hubby knows me far too well... he knows something's up and has tried to ask me what. All I've said is nothing new, as he was away for work for a couple of days and just got home...

Now what? How do I continue with the 180 if he knows something isn't right? He knows there's something I'm not asking or saying...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

aquajay said:


> I've just started the 180 and my hubby knows me far too well... he knows something's up and has tried to ask me what. All I've said is nothing new, as he was away for work for a couple of days and just got home...
> 
> Now what? How do I continue with the 180 if he knows something isn't right? He knows there's something I'm not asking or saying...


The 180 is not supposed to be a sneak attack. Your husband is supposed to notice a change in your behavior. However, you never admit to him that you're changing in order to try to manipulate him.

You simply tell him that you're doing things for you. That's it. No big deal. That's all you need to say. If you want to really get deep with him, you can tell him that he's hurt you too many times for you to continue to trust him, so you're starting to withdraw a bit. That's true.

Then, you continue with your 180.

Good luck.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

aquajay said:


> I've just started the 180 and my hubby knows me far too well... he knows something's up and has tried to ask me what. All I've said is nothing new, as he was away for work for a couple of days and just got home...
> 
> Now what? How do I continue with the 180 if he knows something isn't right? He knows there's something I'm not asking or saying...


It's not for him, it's for you. It's detaching yourself and taking care of you. It doesn't matter if he knows, it's certainly having an effect if he's noticing your change in behavior..stick to it, it's a life time change.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I had read about 180s, even tried one a few years ago regarding lack of intimacy, but I didn't fully appreciate the method until she cheated on me. It's not about pretending, or acting, it's about realizing you're better than their bull**** and doing things for yourself. 

If you are truly thinking beyond them, doing things to make yourself a happier/better person, then the message is conveyed: I don't need you, I'm a good person, I have options, you're lucky to have me around.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Good that he's noticing but just explain your looking after yourself. End of conversation.

I would print it off and keep it close (in your pocket or purse)...any time you feel yourself weakening or getting sad have a quick read through. It will help strengthen your resolve.

The 180 is all about YOU. 
Helping YOU to feel confident and strong and in control of YOUR life.... no matter what happens to your marriage.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Cabsy said:


> It's not about pretending, or acting, it's about realizing you're better than their bull**** and doing things for yourself.
> 
> If you are truly thinking beyond them, doing things to make yourself a happier/better person, then the message is conveyed: I don't need you, I'm a good person, I have options, you're lucky to have me around.


I see your point here... and it's so true. I am going to continue with this mindset. He needs to know that I'm here by choice and not by necessity.

I went shopping last night on my way home from work and found a super sexy pleather black strapless dress. I was in the bedroom trying it on and he saw it... he was suprised, noticed it and asked how many leather dresses I bought?

I'm suprised that something as simple as getting new highlights, purfume or a new dress have been noticed by him! I'd have to say the 180 is working for both of us so far!


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I'm suprised that something as simple as getting new highlights, purfume or a new dress have been noticed by him! I'd have to say the 180 is working for both of us so far!


this doesn't sound like a 180 to me. sounds more like you're enticing him back into the relationship by catering to his needs. in other words, you're trying to "nice" him back into the marriage.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> this doesn't sound like a 180 to me. sounds more like you're enticing him back into the relationship by catering to his needs. in other words, you're trying to "nice" him back into the marriage.


I don't know, man. I mean don't we encourage guys who are doing the 180 to work out, take care of themselves physically and change their appearance? It's gotta go both ways. I know there's more to the 180, but that is a part of it.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> this doesn't sound like a 180 to me. sounds more like you're enticing him back into the relationship by catering to his needs. in other words, you're trying to "nice" him back into the marriage.


You're assuming that she is doing the highlights/perfume/dress for his benefit.

Perhaps she wants to look nice for herself, or to show him what he's missing.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> However, you never admit to him that you're changing in order to try to manipulate him.


Manipulation should not be the motivation of the 180, doing so sets one up for false hopes.

180 prepares one for moving forward with the expectation of life without that partner.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Not part of the 180, but...

Now that you have a hot new outfit etc. Dress up, and take yourself out to the movies or something. Don't say a thing about where you're going or why. Just look like you're bringing your A game. Then stay out for three hours or more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to learn more about the 180 get the book "Divorce Busting". The 180 that people suggest here is one that is meant to focus on getting your spouse to give up an affair partner. But in reality "the 180" means to do things completely different from the way you did in the past. And the best ones are developed specifically for the person doing it. The idea behind the 180 is that whatever you have been doing is not working, so change your behaviors for yourself, to better yourself.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

The primary goal of the 180 is not to get your husband to jump your bones or pay attention to you.

It's to emotionally ready yourself for possible drastic action, to stop wasting emotional effort on a possible lost cause, and to send a message if self worth to your spouse.

Any bone jumping could be seen as a bonus...but don't mistake some frosting for the cake (maintainable changed behavior)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

Robsia said:


> You're assuming that she is doing the highlights/perfume/dress for his benefit.
> 
> Perhaps she wants to look nice for herself, or to show him what he's missing.


Yes! Robsia hit it on the head. I work f/t in an office environment and don't get to dress up. I am also a Mom to a 2 year old, so I am always in a rush to get out of the door. 

Those things were to make me feel good about myself... I made some extra money and figure I deserve to treat myself. 

I do understand the concept of the 180, but I am feeling like it somewhat means to not address things that might be of concern and to show a partner that one is independent means they're off the hook in a way... I mean that if I'm asking for help with something or for an answer to something and I stop involving my hubby... it just means he doesn't have to be involved if I look after whatever it is. Does that make sense?

I will keep reading the list, refer to it and plug away, one step and day at a time!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

May I make a small comment that may make the 180 lightbulb come on for you? The reason it's called "The 180" is because it is a 180 degree turn around from what you've been doing. 

See...whatever you were doing in the past wasn't working all that well. Not for the marriage. Not for him. And CERTAINLY not for you. So you do an "about face" and go in literally the other direction. When we are in long-term relationships, it is all too easy to become complacent or to think "Oh when the kids are grown we'll have time together" or things of that sort. We lose who we are, we stop doing the things that made us who we are, and then we don't feel very good and blame our spouses for it...telling ourselves we sacrificed "because they made us give it up" or something along that line. 

The 180 is like a sharp, direct turn around and head the other direction. 

We became complacent and now we need to step it on up
We thought "when the kids get older" and we need to put in that effort NOW
We lost who we are because we just stopped doing it or thought 'oh I couldn't do that I'm adult now'....and you CAN!
We stopped doing the things that make us who we are because we chose to do it--pure and simple! And we can chose to start doing it again!

So in the end, "The 180" is a complete turn around. Turn back to "Who you are. " Turn back into that smart, funny, flirty, loving person you were and still are. Take responsibility for yourself and what you choose to do. And if your spouse sees the person who initially caught their eye back-in-the-day...why they may choose to walk alongside you in this "journey back to you." And if they don't...well you still get YOU back!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

livinfree said:


> Manipulation should not be the motivation of the 180, doing so sets one up for false hopes.
> 
> 180 prepares one for moving forward with the expectation of life without that partner.


Right. But sometimes, the 180 results in the spouse that had checked out snapping out of the fog and recommitting to the marriage. So, that is a possible result of a 180.

But I agree that it is mostly to move on and prepare to end the relationship.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I see your point here... and it's so true. I am going to continue with this mindset. *He needs to know *that I'm here by choice and not by necessity.
> 
> I went shopping last night on my way home from work and found a super sexy pleather black strapless dress. I was in the bedroom trying it on and *he saw it... he was suprised*, noticed it and asked how many leather dresses I bought?
> 
> I'm suprised that something as simple as getting new highlights, purfume or a new dress have been *noticed by him! *I'd have to say the 180 is working for both of us so far!


I've never heard of this type of 180. this version is all about him. 

the 180 I've heard about is to detach and become less co-dependent on the WS. the WS is supposed win over the BS, not the other way around. 


meh.....whatever works


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

My 180 was in the form of me telling him I realized I could not change him or force him to be faithful. I would not leave this house as it is my home and I have put a lot into it, did all the painting, decorating,landscaping and gardens etc. He could stay or go but there would be nothing between us but the business we run together. He panicked and raised his voice and said "Then there is nothing I can do?" He seemed almost angry and I told him he did not get to be angry at me. I let him sit with this for a while. 

In a later conversation I told him That IF we were to continue together as a couple his affair had to be completely done and no contact and I needed honest answers to all my questions. He still hedged on some things but when I made it clear my questions would not go away he gave me all the info I needed.

Things are much better now but there are times I feel he may be taking for granted the fact that I am still in the relationship and I tell him I will not put up with that. He gets frustrated sometimes when doing projects and will lash out at people trying to help. I told him I do not deserve that. I am not trying to throw his affair in his face all the time, because if I did that every time I thought about it, it would be at least daily, if not more. I just need him to realize that he needs to think about what he says and how he says it and realize how lucky he is we are still together, and he does.

So, for me, it's more a matter of standing up for myself and realizing it's OK to think about my needs, and I do treat myself to something nice once in a while because I have always been frugal when it came to me, and that he was doing whatever felt good to him while in the affair, with no regards to me/us.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

AJ, what are you doing a 180 for? Is your husband walking away from the marriage? How come he hasn't left your home yet? If your husband is committed to working on things with you the 180 is the last thing you should be doing.


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## aquajay (Feb 13, 2013)

PamJ said:


> My 180 was in the form of me telling him I realized I could not change him or force him to be faithful.
> 
> In a later conversation I told him That IF we were to continue together as a couple his affair had to be completely done and no contact and I needed honest answers to all my questions.
> He still hedged on some things but when I made it clear my questions would not go away he gave me all the info I needed.


I am on the same page as you PamJ... that's what I feel too, and yes, I need answers to ALL my questions.

The part that is working for me is that he's noticed and recognized that no matter what he does, I'm going to do for ME and put ME first... and in that mindset.

I think he's using all of this as a "wake-up" call in a way. I know I WANT to be with him and know I can't change him or make him do something. He HAS to want it and meet me in the middle. The changes I've made (referring to the 180) have been all for me, are helping me with my thoughts and are making him think!

I don't think he knows what to do/say now that he's noticed the changes I've made...


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