# Ethics involved in divorce?



## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

To sum up it all up - I was unexpectedly abandoned by my husband emotionally, physically, and financially out of the blue. He told me he wanted a divorce as I headed out the door to work one morning. Fast forward - a month later. I've moved out of the home now and have not been served with divorce papers. One of the last conversations we had was regarding the divorce. He didn't understand why I wouldn't file. I told him that he was the one that wanted the divorce so the filing was on him. So how does this work? I've had people tell me to file first because it makes sense. For instance, if he incurs any debt or gets sued while we are still married I can be responsible. I never wanted the divorce and after taking a look at - The Marriage Map - I see a lot of our relationship in it. I can't make a marriage work on my own and I did find text messages between him and another woman although no actual proof of a sexual relationship. He claims they are friends. I think it's wrong to date during a marriage or prior to divorce. Anyway, should I file? Should I wait? Even if a marriage ends on bad terms do people still talk on the phone during divorce proceedings? What is the norm here or is there a norm? We do not communicate. And I am working the 180. I started before I moved out.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Well, it depends on you. You need to decide what is best for you because no one else can make that decision for you. There is no book telling you the path that you should and you just need to rely on your gut feeling.

Your situtation is similar to mine and you can see if this is the path you want to take. I found out STBXH was hanging around with a female that I know nothing about. He claimed she was just his workout partner. Later that night, he told me he loves me but is no longer in love with me. Blamed me for his unhappiness, his weight, his drinking, unwilling to see MC and still claim there is not cheating. That night we separated. Later, I saw the amount of text between the two. I decided to end the marriage as I know there must be cheating involve but he was still saying she is just a good friend and how he need a friend during this time. He did not file even though he keep saying he wants to end the relationship so I decided to file instead. After filing, he contested my petition claiming I was cruel toward him as the fault of the divorce so a bad break-up is now turning into a nasty divorce as well. I discovered during the divorce more and more lies throughout our marriage of 7 yrs and probably will find out more information. I also found out he bought her a Prada wallet (over $500) while still living at home with me and been treating her to lunch and dinner 1 month prior to leaving.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Set up an appointment with a mediator and tell him to be there. If he no-shows, then tell him you are moving back in. That should light an fire under his ass ... or yours for that matter.

Lets start with an easy question first.

What do you want to have happen?


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Ultimately, I DON'T want a divorce. We were only married 1.5 years and together for almost 6. I suppose I'm still in denial. The person I thought I knew has done a 360. I don't know him at all. He just turned 40. I don't know if he's going through a mid-life crisis. I don't know what is going on. He bombarded me with very crazy reasons for wanting a divorce in the beginning. Even his close family and friends told him he was crazy. The very last day we spoke he told me that he had had a change of heart and that's all there is to it. Honestly, I don't think he really knows what he wants. His actions from prior months before do not indicate a change of heart. He refuses to communicate on an adult level. I moved out of the home because I was forced out. Things got heated so I stayed away from the home for 2 days and when I arrived I found all of my possessions including furniture bagged, boxed, and stacked in the garage. I mean .. what do you do about that? I did speak to a lawyer and because the house was in his name he said he would get it in the divorce although I'm entitled to mortgage payments I made back. The lawyer put a lot into perspective and said I could get a court order to have him removed from the home until the divorce was finalized but if divorce was inevitable I might as well get a head start and move out now so I did. In my head - I'm kicking and screaming over this. I have the emotional tools to make this marriage last for years to come but I'm doubtful that he does. Should I wait a month or two to see if I get papers or hear from him? I suppose I should think on it some more. On the other hand, he has completely disrespected and disregarded our marriage vows. It would take so much on his part to rebuild what he broke in such a short period of time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you should talk to a lawyer ASAP. Even if you don't file first, you should know your options and the implications of any choices you need to make. 

As far as communication and stuff, that's all up to you. There's no need to play nice, but you may want to keep things as neutral as possible. The only people who win in a legal battle like a divorce are the lawyers. But it's entirely your option if you never talk to him again, and very thing goes between your lawyers. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

It sounds like you are not ready to file yet. Is legal separation an option in your state? If yes, that might protect you while you decide what to do. Take your time....there is no right answer so you just need to do what is best for you.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I have talked to a lawyer. I know what my options and entitlements are and because we were married for such a short time there isn't much to go to battle over. I guess the reason why I'm so confused is because there was a period of time in our relationship where the same situation occurred. We were separated with no contact and he even jumped back into dating. During our separation I had moved on, too, because I had to. During our separation he did a lot of soul searching and said he realized that I was the one he had always wanted and he even begin to take personal growth classes. He went ABOVE and BEYOND to get me back in his life. We reconciled and eventually got married. After a separation like that it just seems that he wouldn't feel the need to get married to go through this once again. Up until a month ago, I was still in the honeymoon phase. Busy with work and school but still believing are marriage was new, fresh, and great with a few imperfections but nothing divorce worthy. I suppose when someone tells you they have had a change of heart that should explain it all but prior to his change of heart his other excuses were irrational. For example, me forgetting to put a key on a key ring caused him such undue stress and anxiety he didn't want to be married anymore. About a month after being confused I took a look at his phone. He was in contact with another woman - an old high school friend - going through a divorce and living at her mother's house while taking care of her severely handicapped son. In their texts, he was initiating sex with her. I mean going above and beyond (to the point of looking desperate) all the while the condom count in our bathroom cabinet started depleting. I don't know if anything has officially happened on a sexual level but he was seeking sex with another woman while I was still living in the home. When he realized I found out about it he said she was just a friend and he has never cheated. But still ... I don't want to be treated like a doormat. I'm just so confused. I don't believe I'm co-dependent. I have not begged, cried, screamed, or pleaded. I've been calm and rational. I just don't get it. I believe I will be the one to file if no moves are made and the silence resumes. I mean - I've really been left with no choice.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Legal separation is an option in California. He mentioned that to me but only because he thought if he filed for legal separation the judge would kick me out of the home within 1 day of filing.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I am so sorry with what you are going through but this behavior is typical of someone that is cheating. Yes, it will not make any sense. I been searching and searching and the only thing I can come up with is he is not a good person. You are a good person and that is why nothing make sense because you would have never done the same thing. I still find myself searching for an answer at times but deep down I know I never will find one. 


I think the question you have to ask yourself is how many times you are willing to accept him leaving you given he have done it previously. I also did not want a divorce but I asked myself if I can really trust him again and my answer was no. Mine have also left before and came running back before. 

Are you going to IC? What helped me (he left Oct. 1st) are talking to friends, reading about cheating, and going to IC. Your hurt will not go away in days but it does get better with each day passing.

Adding one more thing....yes, your marriage is short but you do not want to incur any debt he is causing right now either. Mine have spend over $10K (i took out furniture and lawyer fee already) in less than 1.5 months. Yours might not but it is always better to protect yourself than being sorry down the road.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

gigi - you are right. I won't ever be able to fully trust him, again. How can I? Not after I've already gone through this once before. We were separated but ... He went above and beyond to get me back and if he does it again I won't believe his actions are genuine like I did the first time. I think I need to cut my loses and soon. It's going to be hard. I haven't gotten into counseling yet but it something I will do. I have too. I just wish this was easier.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

ICLH,

Our situations are almost identical. She rejected me and broke our marriage covenant.

I've determined the amount of time I will give her to file the divorce. Of course, I can't tell her because she's gone NC, so if she doesn't initiate the divorce, I will.

Knowing her, she will want me to so she won't have to pay the filing fees. She always was selfish. But as much as it burns me, since she wanted out, if she doesn't meet my deadline I will file. It will be the best money I ever spent on her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is entirely up to you whether to file or not. 

Sorry this happened to you.

Know though that you are better off single than being married to someone who doesn't want to be with you.

As for dating...also a personal preference. Me, I did not want to date at all through my separation and long after my divorce. Was still processing it all and traumatized.

It will get better in time. Promise.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Thanks for the advice and support. I really appreciate it - all.

Jellybeans - I, too, feel traumatized. That is the word for this. I can't comprehend how I could marry someone that could be so deceiving. Just when I feel that I'm doing ok all these feelings just overwhelm me. I lost my sister a couple years ago and I would compare my feelings during this time to those I felt when I lost her. I do have a counselor lined up so hopefully talking to her within the next couple weeks will help.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My attorney advised that I wait to file only because HE would have to pay the filing fee. She said it was cheaper for me if he filed first and if I didn't need to get this moving any faster. So I let it go and he filed.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It does sound like he has cheated before and will cheat again and when his affair breaks up, he comes back to you. Don't be his Plan B.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Zombie thread...I'm closing it now.


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