# Alone



## HopelessAngel (Mar 23, 2019)

I'm not sure where to turn. My mother passed away almost 7 years ago now. Lost my grandfather and a very close friend shortly after my mom. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we dated for 4 years before he proposed. During our dating we talked about marriage and how we both disagreed with divorce. Shortly after he proposed to me I found out I was pregnant. I was told I would never have children... 8 months after my daughter was born my mom passed. I flew with my daughter back to my home state to arrange her funeral. While I was gone my husband started reaching out to other women. 

I knew none of this at the time. I found out about 6 months ago.. See I have been struggling with depression for the last 3 years. I had found him talking and sharing explicit pictures with several different females in a 5 year span. Every time I catch him he tells me a different story. Deletes the fake accounts and things go back to normal. All I've ever wanted was a happy family. I have done everything he has asked of me, yet he is no longer in love with me. Right before thanksgiving 2018 he recieved a Facebook call from a female. He lied and said it was a different person.. I had him answer and it was a female. 

She was telling him how she missed him and would be in town and was curious if his wife was going to be away. I told him it was over.. he begged me and pleaded with me telling me it was my weight and his we are broke a lot and my anger issues. It was all my fault.. so he wanted me to believe. We faked through Christmas and right after New Years he informed me he had been talking to this other female for our entire marriage, that I need to let him go so that he may find true love because at 37 we are getting old and his chances are getting smaller. That my mental health is an issue because I'm always curious as to who he is talking to. Why his phone is on mute. 

I always have an uneasy feeling about him and his phone because he has lied to me so much. He has slept with this other woman several times. Talks to her about our marriage but will not talk to me. If I initiate he will turn the t.v. Or radio up. Tells me I am whining and that's why he is leaving. Then flips over saying he wants to work things out. I agreed to try again but this time my heart isn't in it. I notice how he is always using the restroom for 30-40 mins every 30-40 mins. I notice how he has shrugged me off but is working on s better relationship with his daughter. 

See how he gets angry if I deny his advances. When he isn't accusing me and we do talk he worships my feet.. than the next day it's back to the cold shoulder. I'm alone here. Never made any friends as I was with the kid and coaxing his ego for years. My dad is over 1700 miles away. I can't take my kid and just leave. I'm scared as hell but know this is done. His mom wishes for us to work it out.. his sister is glad I'm opening my eyes. I'm so lost. I need advice.. am I crazy? Is it wrong of me to ask him about his phone? Is it ok to be angry you keep getting cheated on when you are 200% there for them always.. I believe I'm in a narsasistic relationship and I am the empath. 

Yes I have depression but my husband has been treating me so badly I feel like a dumpster. I'm here for my daughter mind and soul.. but idk what to do. I can't talk separation or divorce with him.. he always says we just need to work it out. Even when I say I'm not happy he comes back with as soon as your meds are better everything will be ok. Like it's all my fault...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Jeez I have depression and an anxiety disorder just from reading that 
:-(

I'll cut to the chase and give you the bottom line here - he is a bad person. He is of low character and not marriage material. 

The reason you have depression and all these emotional problems are because of the mistreatment and abuse you have endured from him all these years. 

He is bad and there is nothing you can do to change him. 

You cannot counteract his badness with your goodness so nothing you do or say will change the fact he is a crud. 

You have no chance for health or happiness with him and your daughter has no chance to grow up in a healthy and happy and loving home and no chance of having what a good husband and father is role modeled to her. 

You are training your daughter to be a subservient sperm receptacle and victim of abuse and maltreatment. You are teaching her how to tolerate and accept abuse and mistreatment. 

There is no changing him, you can only change yourself. You can change yourself from someone who tolerates and accepts cheating, lying, blame, shame and abuse to someone who walks away from it and starts a new life of dignity, self worth and health and happiness. 

Your only mistakes here were in thinking that divorce is something that is always bad and tolerating mistreatment. Both of those things can be changed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are already alone and married.

Why not be alone and divorced?

When divorced you will gain more freedom to act.

You need to be gainfully employed first and foremost.
And then save all the money.

Then get gainfully, thankfully, divorced, and move closer to your family.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have said he is a liar and serial cheater (from the beginning of your marriage at least). He wants out because you are not his true love . I'd let him have the female who knew she was dating a married man--an immature married boy at 37 is more like it. 

Do not set a bad example for your daughter of accepting this kind of treatment. Please be checked for STD's. Knowing deep down that your 'husband' was a louse is enough to make you depressed. You are not any more alone with him than without him.


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## HopelessAngel (Mar 23, 2019)

I agree I am teaching my daughter bad things staying in the relationship. I also know I'm in a crap relationship due to abuse as a child. I'm in therapy and am seeing I need to move on. That there is nothing good that comes from this. I work full time where I am not home to get my child ready for school. We have always had a joint account. My paychecks go in and before I know it they are gone. I pay the bills he has been on disability for 2 years.. just started working again. Is this something I can just pack my kid and myself and leave? I have no where to go.. I ask him to leave and he says no that we are going to work this out. I feel trapped alone and scared and don't like any of the options my therapist has given me as I feel I will end up in jail.. I agree totally though I need to leave.. I'm just... stuck in a very deep rut..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn't want a divorce. He wants all the comforts of home and some excitement on the side so he's always going to push back when you bring up divorce. That means you're going to have to put together a plan and be strong enough to divorce him without any cooperation on his part. Can you?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I can't believe your therapist would suggest something illegal, so you may be talking about his reaction to it--whatever it is. What does your therapist say about your feeling trapped, alone, scared? About his blame-shifting? Abusing?

LISTEN to his actions, not his words--'work this out' is cheater-speak for you work and take care of me while I cheat. He had a lot of time while you were working and he wasn't. 

Where do you want to be in 5 years? It takes more courage to leave than to stay. He is abusing you emotionally--maybe that is familiar from your childhood. You deserve better. Please value yourself even though it will take work. I know 'aloneness'--there are worse things.


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## HopelessAngel (Mar 23, 2019)

That's what I'm afraid of.. I'm afraid I won't be able to walk when I need to. I'm working on saving money but he finds it so it's pointless. I want to open my own bank account but he doesn't want our money separate. I know it's because he wants control but to make things go smooth I just try to put on a front. I'm planning on leaving I just don't know when..


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

HopelessAngel said:


> That's what I'm afraid of.. I'm afraid I won't be able to walk when I need to. I'm working on saving money but he finds it so it's pointless. I want to open my own bank account but he doesn't want our money separate. I know it's because he wants control but to make things go smooth I just try to put on a front. I'm planning on leaving I just don't know when..


It doesn't matter what he wants. It really doesn't. Of course he doesn't want you to save money, because he wants you trapped. Just stop putting your money in a joint account. Open your own account. Stop having sex with him. Why does it matter what he thinks or wants? Clearly he doesn't care what is best for you. He doesn't have your back, except for that knife he keeps sticking in it.

You need to take back power over your own life. You have given it to someone who doesn't love you. He needs you to take care of him. He needs you as a cash cow. But he doesn't treat you like you have value. Stop listening to him.

I'm with the rest of the crowd, you are depressed and anxious because you are in an abusive marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

HopelessAngel said:


> That's what I'm afraid of.. I'm afraid I won't be able to walk when I need to. I'm working on saving money but he finds it so it's pointless. I want to open my own bank account but he doesn't want our money separate. I know it's because he wants control but to make things go smooth I just try to put on a front. I'm planning on leaving I just don't know when..


There are organizations and legal agencies that assistance women in your exact situation. 

You can seek assistance at your local courthouse by asking for help from an abused women's agency/shelter or seek assistance from your doctor's office/medical clinic. 

Say your daughter is running a fever and needs to go to the doctor and once you arrive at the clinic notify the staff that you are in an abusive situation at home and are in need of assistance in getting away. They are trained and have connections for getting you the assistance you need to get away.


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## HopelessAngel (Mar 23, 2019)

Thank you, I realize I'm making a lot of mistakes. He scares the heck out of me, has for years hence therapy. I do want good for my daughter. I don't want her coping with life the way I have. I am seriously lacking self esteem and love for myself. I'm trying, truly I am. It's just terrifying, I will reach out at my daughters next apt. I Am seeing that I'm not as crazy as he tells me I am.. and I am very thankful for your assistance. I would put money aside.. I have a few different times. First I had a separate bank account and it made him so mad he choked me until I passed out while I was pregnant with his daughter. Every other time I have squirreled money away he would punch,burn, or tie me up.. and I can't handle being tied up again.. he is vile when he does that.. it's like every time I fight back he fights harder. Which is why I'm here. Old shirt thank you for letting me know about the resources available..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain high.... Colorado.

Colorado'.... set you free.

In your 37th year you will be reborn.

You might say you left yesterday... behind.

You might say you were born again.

Aye!

Fly away sweet lady!





[The Helmsman]- The Typist I


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

HopelessAngel said:


> Thank you, I realize I'm making a lot of mistakes. He scares the heck out of me, has for years hence therapy. I do want good for my daughter. I don't want her coping with life the way I have. I am seriously lacking self esteem and love for myself. I'm trying, truly I am. It's just terrifying, I will reach out at my daughters next apt. I Am seeing that I'm not as crazy as he tells me I am.. and I am very thankful for your assistance. I would put money aside.. I have a few different times. First I had a separate bank account and it made him so mad he choked me until I passed out while I was pregnant with his daughter. Every other time I have squirreled money away he would punch,burn, or tie me up.. and I can't handle being tied up again.. he is vile when he does that.. it's like every time I fight back he fights harder. Which is why I'm here. Old shirt thank you for letting me know about the resources available..


OP, please don't wait until your daughter's next appointment. You don't know what he might do between now and then. He could seriously hurt you or your child. You need an escape plan, and I hope you can execute it soon.
@EleGirl Can you post the escape plan checklist/info for the OP? I've seen you post it elsewhere.

And maybe move this thread to the Private Members section as soon as the OP has enough posts?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

1700 miles is easier than a terrible life. Go now and don't look back.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

HopelessAngel said:


> That's what I'm afraid of.. I'm afraid I won't be able to walk when I need to. I'm working on saving money but he finds it so it's pointless. I want to open my own bank account but he doesn't want our money separate. I know it's because he wants control but to make things go smooth I just try to put on a front. I'm planning on leaving I just don't know when..


Open your own account ASAP. HE has no say in this -- make sure he has no access.
Then start depositing your paycheck there. Only contribute 1/2 towards the bills -- HE will have to foot the other 1/2. 
This way you can quickly build up the funds to get away from this awful person.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

HopelessAngel said:


> Thank you, I realize I'm making a lot of mistakes. He scares the heck out of me, has for years hence therapy. I do want good for my daughter. I don't want her coping with life the way I have. I am seriously lacking self esteem and love for myself. I'm trying, truly I am. It's just terrifying, I will reach out at my daughters next apt. I Am seeing that I'm not as crazy as he tells me I am.. and I am very thankful for your assistance. I would put money aside.. I have a few different times. First I had a separate bank account and it made him so mad he choked me until I passed out while I was pregnant with his daughter. Every other time I have squirreled money away he would punch,burn, or tie me up.. and I can't handle being tied up again.. he is vile when he does that.. it's like every time I fight back he fights harder. Which is why I'm here. Old shirt thank you for letting me know about the resources available..


Good Lord -- please get out ASAP and DO NOT forwarn him you are doing anything. Get to the resources that old shirt mentioned -- the fact that he is physically assaulting you is illegal and from what you say, he may escalate at any time or may even hurt your child. PLEASE get away from him ASAP. You need to protect yourself and your daughter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.
========================================

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to based on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@HopelessAngel

I added white space for paragraphs to your post so people can read more easily.


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