# Sex is too routine



## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

Been married almost 19 years. I'm frustrated because our sex life is very routine. Same stuff every single time.Start with this, move onto that, etc etc. It's very scripted.
Well I want to changed things up, and make it less routine, but she's not having it. She is perfectly happy with the way things are, and when I suggest something new I get the same response... "well, maybe." And of course nothing happens. 
I don't feel like my requests are too crazy (lingerie, a little talking, maybe some toys) but she just doesn't do any of it. I also try to flirt with her and send suggestive texts throughout the day, but I don't get much response. It's like I hit the ball to her court but get no return...
I feel hurt because I don't feel like I'm asking for a lot, but she won't have any variety. 
Our relationship is great otherwise. I actually got her to see my therapist with me, and she said "why are you two here? you guys are great. if my other clients were like this I'd be out of business." 
Thoughts? Are some women just vanilla when it comes to sex and there's no changing.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maybe start with this cutting edge remote and see how she responds


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> Probably some women are just vanilla, but it's also possible that you might get different results if you went about it a little differently.
> 
> What if you tried *not* talking about it, just upping your own game and see how she responds? *Read the book "She Comes First" (I've not read it but it's recommended here a lot) and implement a few new techniques. But don't *tell* her you're reading it or that you're trying something different. **You* buy a toy and introduce it. (My advice: don't buy something huge and intimidating, buy a small, discrete vibe maybe. Or something like the Njoy Pure Wand. Or both.)
> 
> Talking about it, to me, is a huge turn-off. Maybe she feels that way too. I *wish* my husband would do some of the above. But if he told me that he wanted *me* to do the above, it would sound to me like complaining. Not sexy.


First off, per the bolded, once you implement she will know you have been up to something so the jig will be up lol.

I agree with OG, sometimes you need to take the initiative and see how she responds. Maybe she is too shy/insecure to come out and say she likes XYZ, but can maybe let her guard down a little once she gets to experience it. Just start with small things and most definitely don't force anything. 

I highly recommend reading "She Comes First" assuming your W let's you perform oral on her.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> Lol...where do you find this stuff..?!


Oh I am sure you would love to know :whip:

Funny, I can see a conversation going like this:

H: "W, can you please change the channel to ESPN?"
W: Does a kegel combined with left butt cheek squeeze "There you go H, enjoy".

Oh man, I need to get out more :slap:


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

One thing you could try OP, restraints is one thing to add in that can be fun. Now, it might not be best to slam some handcuffs on her out of nowhere lol, but you could maybe get a sense if this is something she would like. When you are having PIV and you are on top, try grabbing her hand(s), holding them behind her head, see what type of reaction you get. 

Maybe try a blindfold with her, but start off with her using while you give her a massage so she can get comfortable with?

How is everything else? Does she seem to enjoy sex when you have, does she O frequently, etc...?


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Yours is a common problem. I am married over 40 years and managed to keep our sex life fresh and different because we were willing to go off script about what most people think they have to live their marriage. One thing you can do is to communicate better. Make her tell you why she will not try what you suggest. Once you know that you can ease her mind or even approach it using baby steps. If you want BDSM for example, start off with just a blind fold or those plastic handcuffs they sell for lovers. Little by little so that she gets used to it in stages. You can also each write down your fetishes and kinks with no judgements made. Let your wife know that she can safely list anything she wants no matter how weird of crazy she thinks it is. Then compare lists and see if you have anything in common or close to it.

Also let your wife know that fetishes do not go away until they are feed and ask her to at least assume the role in your fetish and afterwards you will do whatever she likes to do. She does not have to be into your kinks to play a role. If she refuses, find out why. When we did this I learned that my wife was fantasizing about women, even during sex with me and did not like intercourse so she avoided sex as much as possible. I told her that I had fetish needs and more frequent sex. Our solution is very unusual but we managed to satisfy both of our needs without having to cheat. We spent most of our 40+ years of marriage sharing a girlfriend who took care of my wife's need for a woman in her life in addition to a male and was into my fetishes. As three, we fulfilled all of our needs and wants. We have a fantastic marriage. My wife and we both got to have a few thousand threesomes, sex with others in a group setting and another person to love. Not your average marriage but we did what we did to fill the gaps in it. You cannot argue with success.

For a while we got into a rut too. My wife is the type that once she finds something that works, she will do that same thing forever, whether it is for sex or anything else. I have often had to tell her that what she did in bed was getting boring and I was not enjoying it anymore. She would ask me what I wanted her to do and then she would do it. I am lucky in that my wife and our girlfriend were both willing to give any new thing a fair chance. Try to dig deeper into why you wife does not want to change things up. There are always reasons below the surface of what they tell you. People can be funny when it comes to sex. My wife will give me sloppy french kisses, perform oral and swallow but will not suck on my finger if I put it near her mouth. She will not drink out of the same glass as me but drink a lot of my various fluids during sex. Go figure. You need to find out and work it out. Good luck.


----------



## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

I'm pretty sure I have that book on my Kindle, but I haven't read it yet.


----------



## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

Be happy your getting sex in the first place. Many of us would love to have your "problem" !


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Maybe you shouldn't ask, and try some subtle little things that are different, and a change without getting too carried away?

If that works, just keep trying and adding a thing later.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I've been married 25 years and we were as vanilla as they come.
There is much to the change, mostly in myself. The bottom line is, date your wife as if it's the first time you are having sex. Figure her out, make yourself attractive and become better in bed. My wife is still mostly vanilla, but DAMN, it's the best vanilla out there, bar none!
She OWNS it.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> Those are perfectly reasonable requests but rather than thinking of her as vanilla, maybe she is lacking confidence. Lingerie may be an issue if she has issues around her body or aging, dirty talking can make some women feel silly, and toys..she may be thinking that she will have to put on a show. It takes a lot of confidence for some women to use toys in front of their partners.
> 
> My confidence came a little at a time with gentle encouragement and reassurance from my husband.


I agree it sounds like lack of confidence to try new things to me as well. Generally speaking people enjoy self exploring new ideas on their own BEFORE introducing it in the bedroom with their partner. If your wife does not do much self exploration, this might be a clue as to why things are not a little more adventurous. I would suggest you suggest she try a few fun things on her own, give her some space, don't pester her about it, and see if she begins to share and open up more.

In the meantime, just because sex is vanilla for her does not limit things for you. You could be trying different things like cøck rings, different types or amounts of lube. 

Also while unconventional, you could try blindfolding yourself, but your wife might freak out that you do it because you don't want to look at her, so talk to her beforehand if you want to try that. Sensory deprivation will enhance your other senses. So blindfolding and earplugs would likely be a bizarre experience to try and see what it does to your perception of touch.

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Harford (Aug 10, 2011)

EVG39 said:


> ok, lets flesh this out a bit (pun intended)
> You say when you want to spice things up she's not having it.
> Can you give an example? How do you broach it with her for example? How does she show she's not having it?
> Let's say I'd suggest something like a new position. I'll say "hey this might be nice." and I get a response like "maybe." Then when the actual act happens it's the same routine. One gets in the bed. Then the other. oral, oral, then the act front, then from behind, and done. Same thing every time. Yes I know that some people aren't getting any, but I think that the key to long term success in marriage is trying to keep thing fresh. this is getting stale.
> ...


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
sadly, some people are just not interested in anything other than vanilla sex.


----------



## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> sadly, some people are just not interested in anything other than vanilla sex.


and sometimes they aren't even interested in that.


----------



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Your problem is asking her to try these things. Women want to be dominated in bed. Take charge. Just go get the toys and pull it out. Go buy the lingerie and tell her to put it on. You are the man. By asking permission you come off like a wuss.


----------



## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

jdesey said:


> Your problem is asking her to try these things. Women want to be dominated in bed. Take charge. Just go get the toys and pull it out. Go buy the lingerie and tell her to put it on. You are the man. By asking permission you come off like a wuss.


Agree with this. It is one thing to agree "sheepishly" allow him to have the toy used on you VS. agreeing to do it ahead of time. 

My wife is the same way, if we discuss using the toy she is like "do we need that?" if i bust it out..she loves it....goes crazy...


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Harford said:


> Our relationship is great otherwise. I actually got her to see my therapist with me, and she said "why are you two here? you guys are great. if my other clients were like this I'd be out of business."
> Thoughts?


My thought is you should have brought up your sexual dissatisfaction during the therapist sessions. Why didn't you?



> Let's say I'd suggest something like a new position. I'll say "hey this might be nice." and I get a response like "maybe." Then when the actual act happens it's the same routine. One gets in the bed. Then the other. oral, oral, then the act front, then from behind, and done. Same thing every time. Yes I know that some people aren't getting any, but I think that the key to long term success in marriage is trying to keep thing fresh. this is getting stale.


So YOU need to do something if you want something to be different. For example, start making out in the living room and get her on top of you while you sit on the couch. Why wait to go to bed to do anything sexual? Or, as you're getting ready for bed, start touching her while you're both still in the master bathroom, and bend her over the sink...

Just saying, if you want your sex life to be different, try different things yourself. Most people enjoy sex a lot more and are open to more when they're already turned on, so in talking about something beforehand it may not necessarily seem hot or interesting, but might get more interesting in the moment.


----------

