# She says one thing but her actions say another



## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for five years as of Nov. 23 and we have two children 4 and 1. Since our first child was born my wife has stayed home and taken care of the house a decision we both agreed on. In Aug. my wife applied for a job that she has always wanted to do and she got it. For our marriage it has always been good but with minor things that life can throw at you. She left home to attend her job training but to only be able to come home on the weekends and go back. We did this for 12 weeks. The first two weeks were rough with her gone but ok. We still communicated like usual. But after those two weeks things went down hill very fast and I didn't understand why. She stoppped calling and if she did call it was only for a few minutes because she said that she was busy. When she would finaly come home on the weekends we would engage in arguements on why she stopped calling and how she needed to call us at home. We argued like that for the next three to four weeks. During that time our relationship almost became void she was so with drawn and I felt myself becoming the same way. I didn't understand why. Our lovemaking became just sex, something that was holding us together from falling apart. After 9 weeks of this she finaly came clean and told me she had been spending all her time with this other guy, her friend. She said that they were just friends and he made her feel comfortable. Then she said from there he started to flatter her with comments. Which in turn she started dressing up for him to get more comments of flattery out of him as she says. Then they started flirting with each other. My wife said he did the flirting most of the time. Either way it goes it's the simple fact that she excepted it and wanted and liked more of it. She said they had talked about each others marriage problems and she would tell me how she would take up for his wife when he would start to down grade her. She said she never talked bad about me but who knows. She said that they did talked about sex once but it was about how her desire was different since we had our first child and she said it was more of her asking what was wrong with herself. She says that when he started to want more of her like kissing of that nature is when she finaly cut it off and that he crossed over the line because he made her uncomfortable with wanting that. She said there at the end there was comments that he would say that would make her feel uncomfortable too that they were just beyond the flirting. She says she didn't want or desire or think about him in any sexual way but just like the attention. But even after all this came out she still called him to talk or to see him. She told me about this the weekend before our five year anniversary. The day of our anniversary she still had the nerve to call him and want to see him but she said she didn't follow through that she left before he ever got there and called me back. She even took the cross off from around her neck my wife never takes her cross off for any reason. She told me she tried to make excuses to her self of why she took it off but she said the real reason was because her spirit was knocking on her door pointinng things out. My wife is a very spiritual and religious woman. She said in the start of the downward spiral she said that I thought what she was going through was a joke. The thing about that is we talked about that around the forth week or so affirming that it was just a miss communication and that I didn't feel that way I just missed her being home. I mean anyone that I know with a good marriage would be the same way. There is alot more detail than that but we will start with this for now. I just don't understand how she got so deep in it without wanting more from it or finding him some type of attractive. As she says he was not attractive to her at all. Please Help I don't understand. what kind of emotional affair is this. You completely drop your husband and indulge yourself with another man but didn't want anything from it but a plotonic friend. I just don't see how, I don't understand.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Sorry to hear your story, sounds like someone just paid some attention to her and she got all wrapped up in the excitement of it all. I guess when you are a stay at home mom you really don't think of yourself as sexy or that men want you still. She has a infatuation with him and I think you are lucky the guy wasn't interested.
this is your opportunity to woo her again, make her feel sexy again, look into her eyes when you speak, touch her without it being sexual, say some words she might want to hear, flirt with her, she will see you in a different light and you can bring the passion back into your marriage, look it as an opportunity to turn things around
good luck


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

You say the guy wasn't interested but he was very interested. She told me he went as far as telling her in around about way that what happens here stays here that noone has to know. Hell I found a note that he wrote her asking why she was so afraid to give in or was it that she was afraid of how he made her feel or the best part in the note was him telling her he doesn't have mono. How awesome is that. But like she said he started going way to far and was getting to bold. I just don't understand how you can like the sly and baby comments but when it comes to the big and bold ones you don't feel comfortable with it. Thats confusing to me. Heck she said thats what she was after, all the comments she could get out of him. She said the seriousness of the relationship was only for around two weeks but she cut me off for two months give or take alittle. That doesn't match up very well. She kept secret what she was doing or who she was doing it with, which was him.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry to hear you are going through all of this. First, I'll say that behavior usually speaks the truth while words can be lies. I've had to learn that the hard way over the past four years. The part where your wife removed her cross from her neck says a lot to me. For a Christian that could be very symbolic. Would you and your wife be willing to go to counseling? Or speak to a member of the clergy? The sooner this "stumble" gets resolved the better off you'll be. 

May God bless you and your family.


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

I'm sorry but in marketing tactics we call this the "ladder". I don't want to break it to you but coming from a cheated on husband...this is how it "starts". 

The ladder is simple, start small, get your client to accept it, then build on it, every step your customer accepts until the final moment of the big sale when you spoon feed them the full bullcrap and they eat it up.

Ever walked into store with salesmen looking for a small electronics thingy and end up walking out with the most expensive piece of hardware that you could buy and ask yourself "What just happened?"

This is it, or atleast...the process of it. In a few months, maybe even in a year, she may come clean, or you may find evidence (a letter, an email, a text message, a picture etc). And you'll look back and ask yourself ...."What just happened?" 

All cheaters, from my own experience, to reading other's experiences here, do one common thing. They admit to the LESSER offense FIRST. The Lesser here being an emotional affair. This is the first step of the ladder. You accept that and come to terms, then they break it to you or you find out. It's easier that way.

This is COMPLETELY unacceptable. If anything this is an emotional affair definitely, how can that be denied?....but I'm going to make an educated guess...based on all her excuses, that they a have been physical already.

So sorry.

Brace for impact.

P.S. What do you want to bet she forgot her necklace at his house after you know what? Tell tale sign, missing jewelry, missing clothing etc...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Andre2000 said:


> All cheaters, from my own experience, to reading other's experiences here, do one common thing. They admit to the LESSER offense FIRST. The Lesser here being an emotional affair. This is the first step of the ladder. You accept that and come to terms, then they break it to you or you find out. It's easier that way.
> 
> This is COMPLETELY unacceptable. If anything this is an emotional affair definitely, how can that be denied?....but I'm going to make an educated guess...based on all her excuses, that they a have been physical already.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'd only add that this process can be successful for years if they are excellent deceivers.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm not sure if you know this or not, or if anyone above stated it clearly enough, but you have a full fledged affair on your hands. What you describerd is BAD. Whether or not it went physical or how far is secondary. The emotional bond is there. If it hasn't turned physical, it's heading there.

I know this dooesn't give you advice on what to do except to know that you are dealing with adultry, not a little inappropriatness.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

There's really no way that she could have went to his house because they stayed on campus and couldn't leave until it was time for them to come home. Plus she road home with other fellow employees. She admitted that she liked him and that he did become more than just a friend that he made her feel attractive, wanted, and desired. She says that she liked his companionship and that is all she wanted because we weren't on the best of terms. But than again who's fault is that. As she says she cared but not enough to stop it or fix it at the time. She cries her tears of how bad she feels and how sorry she is and that at the time she just didn't really see anything wrong with it. She has said she thought she would just carry on with her friendship and after her training was up they wouldn't see or talk anymore and she would come home and work on us. Boy wasn't that a little hurtful to hear. But as she said she realized how far and how wrong it had become and also with the help of other employees pointing it out to her of what she was doing and what it looked like. She also swears up and down that it never became physical at all because thats not what she was wanting she just wanted the companionship. Whenever I start to think about it or have questions about it I usually ask her. Sometimes we start arguing because it's like pulling teeth with her. But as she has told me it hurts to talk about it because she is so ashamed of what she has done to me, our marriage, and our family. And also she told me that she is worried that I am going to leave her, meaning it's like she is only scratching the surface. How do I get her to come clean and just say what it was and how far it went. We get to a point and she says she has nothing else to say or give about it but whenever I bring it up later down the road she seems to give a bit more info about it. I just wish she would tell me all at one time instead of just dragging it out. Because if it is bad enough for me to leave her now than I will probably leave her for it years down the road because our life has been sitting on top of lies. I tell you what this really sucks to be sitting here typing this and feeling this way. IT HURTS. As some say and do hurting people hurt people.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

I know how to contact him. Should I? Heck I might be able to get answers from him or at least be able to see if there stories match? But then again if they don't match more than likely she is the one lying huh? Because what does he have to lose right? I don't know if I should or shouldn't. I'm nervous just thinking about it. What would I say what would I ask how would I even begin? I would like some advice on this one too please!


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

#1 this man is not your friend. 
He hates your guts. This is how he got in her pants in the first place. He would not be able to get in her pants if he was not "throwing stones at her enemies". Alliances are strongest when they are held together by an "enemy". The enemy is you. So sorry. But its basic. There's a reason why men fight eachother over the woman. Trust me it works but the woman needs to want that fight to happen which is your wife's case. She wanted him to hate you, it excites her. When he tells her "I should beat the crap out of him for telling you that" it makes her sexually excited. When he agrees with her about all the "offenses" you did against her, it justifies her cheating on you and reinforces that...makes her feel better.

#2 If he cares about her and gave into her worries about the marriage ending, he will tell you anything to keep you guys together, including making himself the bad guy if he has to. 

So if you call him, prepare to get threats, and lies, and most definately he will call her up and tell her that you called, which will probably give her another excuse to meet and screw one last time.


What you need to do is leave. She has rendered you powerless and it is really unattractive for a man. Excercise your male power of acceptance...and reject her. This puts you back where you need to be. You need to be strong. Please.

So sorry it hurts....I've been there. Its so messed up. Last thing you want is to "do anything" to save the marriage when it wasn't your fault to begin with. This makes it worse.

I know all about the pulling teeth part and yes she is lying. She cries and cries over this emotional affair but YOU know it in your gut that no one would act that sorry over an emotional affair. She is asking for forgiveness for her sexual relationship but with the benefit of not admitting to it. Its a win win for her.


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

Oh and stop adopting her excuses. My god, man! Get a grip. 
I can shoot holes in everysingle one of those excuses with logic but its pointless. 

ok ok...for example, people can leave early or be 10 or 15 minutes late getting home, giving them plenty of time. Trust me. When I found out she went to his house more than once, and did it after work by leaving 10 minutes early, and getting home 10 minutes late...I felt completely powerless because I didn't even notice! I'm not controlling, being 15 minutes late to get home is no big deal for me, I don't ask questions...if it's important I TRUST she will tell me why. I didn't know what to trust anymore afterthat. The main thing is, she is a liar. The worst thing that can happen with liars is to dump their ass. Learn the tell tale signs of liars, and come to terms with the actions that you decide in dealing with liars, and live your life worry free after that. 

It's time to start again. I would NEVER trust her. Dump her. This pulling teeth business is not honesty and she can care less about your feelings, she sound narcissistic to me. Find someone that really loves you. The longer you stay in this, the harder it will be to find a caring truthful woman in the future.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Yes, Anre is right, it is narcissistic, but not how you might think. She was being presented with the wonderful illusion of someone only seeing her positives. You at home see her with everything, +'s and -'s. Its a "high" unlike any drug when someone reflects that pisture of yourself that you long ago forgot about. 

Her taking off her cross, to me, is symbolic of her straying from Christlike thought or behavior. If she is as faithful as you state, the cross only comes off when you there is separation between you and God. Loving and indulging in "satan's" temptations is a separation from God. Inside she knows this even if she doesnt outwardly say so. I think she hinted at it when she told you about loving all the attention and comments. 

If you both are very faithful and follow bible teachings, use them. Non-judgementally remind her of the most faithful get tested. Ephesians... husbands love your wives like Christ loves the church and wives submit to your husbands as Christ submits to God. Perhaps this is not a test for her, but for you through what is happening to her. Love her as the bible teaches. Tell her that you understand loving all that wonderful attention, who wouldnt, but that your love for her trancends all and goes further than surface material comments. You KNOW her and love her in all her uniqeness... offer what the illusion this other man cannot, complete love and acceptance.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

Today before she left for work we talked about him and her again. I have been giving her the cold shoulder since last night. I finally told her that I didn't believe her of what she was saying, that there was nothing else, that all the things and situations said, there was alot more to it than what she was telling me. I told her that it didn't add up. That there had to be more. I told her I was tired of being lied to and with her being dishonest with me. I said I wasn't going to go through with this marriage sitting on top of lies. So she did tell the story a short part adding in the details of where she had left the Biggest stuff out. All I know now is that she had a full blown EA with somewhat of a weird start to a PA. She said she liked him alot. She told me she even set rules in place such as you can look but not touch and make all the comments you want but not around everyone else to hear. She did say that they hugged once in a very stressful situation when one of her fellow classmates almost died in the middle of the night. She said the hug was just a comforting hug at first but felt it become a loving hug and that she felt a connection. She said that was the only time they ever hugged and thats when she made the rules. She also finally admitted to kissing him once. She said they were working on defensive tactics and he wanted to show her how to get out of her worst fear, being on her back under the aggressor. She said that she felt and thought that she was putting herself in a bad spot with this and sure enough she did. She said they did the tactics a few times and on the last one she said after rolling around on the ground he became up top again over her. She said that he paused for a moment creating an awkward moment for them and then leaning over into her to kiss her. She said she didn't kiss him back at first but then she did. As she said this she stated, "you probably aren't going to believe me but really I think I did it just to get him off of me and that I was highly upset because he broke the rules and I had told him that this is not what I wanted". She said she did not enjoy it and it made her very angry and upset. She said that this happened the day before she told me about what had been going on. What am I supposed to do with all of this knowledge. Am I supposed to be the man that finds a way to forgive her and forget it ever happened and move on with our lives. I am so hurt, destroyed, and feeling alone. I know I'm not the only one that is going through this but its still not very comforting. I'm on the fence post and I don't know which way to get down. I'm at the point now of I have been trying and getting nothing in return. In a way I feel almost numb now for this has been dragging along for two months. What now being the skeletons are out of the closet now? How do I handle this situation now knowing everything there is to know or what she says is it?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Forgive her for her confessed trangressions. Love her and not her actions, make it clear that you are not accepting of those actions, but that you continue to love her. At least she has confessed it to you, mine wont admit that any lines were crossed. She will probably not put that cross back on unless she feels a connection with God again. Remember, its out of your hands. You can only do or say so much and then its up to her and God.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Choose2love said:


> Forgive her for her confessed trangressions. Love her and not her actions, make it clear that you are not accepting of those actions, but that you continue to love her. At least she has confessed it to you, mine wont admit that any lines were crossed. She will probably not put that cross back on unless she feels a connection with God again. Remember, its out of your hands. You can only do or say so much and then its up to her and God.



:iagree: Excellent post!


This is why I believe a minister or member of the clergy might be most helpful to both of you. I see hope in your situation. Your wife knows her behavior was wrong.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

We were supposed to start counseling two weeks ago but her schedule is hindering us from doing so. At times this job seems more important than us. How do you get past the fact my wife left me for another man? Whats to say she wouldn't do it again? What was she thinking? How could she do this to us? I have never broke our love or trust for anything. She gave herself to another man and threw me to the side like a piece of trash. We had a beautiful family and life together, I thought. I just don't understand why. Where do I get a freebie. A don't go to jail pass. She has turned our world upside down for what a feel good for the moment. Like she said she didn't want anything out of it so what is the deal with that. Destroy our marriage and than see if you can fix it. Why would I want to stay with someone who I am not enough for? Why would I stay with someone who will cheat on me? I don't understand.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

At the same time why should I be the only one suffering. Why can't I ruin his world the same way he did mine. At least my Wife had the gonads to tell me. And what did he do? He keeps it a secret and just keeps cheating on his poor wife who doesn't even have a clue. My wife asked me not to tell his wife. Well maybe I should say she pleaded for me not to. The guy lives four hours away. I would have to do it over phone. Why does my wife care if I call his wife? What does she think is going to happen? That there marriage will end? Boohoo! I am so angry. It feels like she is killing me. I can't eat, can't sleep, and for some reason since all this started I have been getting nose bleeds. I haven't had a nose bleed since I was a small child. The nose bleed usually starts when we are in conversation about this or I am stressing about it. God help me, please!


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

You wanting to ruin his world is perfectly natural. I'll PM you a little more about that. It comes from male competition and your instincts as a man to act like a man. Actually, an affair can bring out the sexual instincts from the other partner where as it was supressed before due to things like religious guilt and logical thinking and political correctness etc...

Ok, now about your wife.

What did I tell you before about the ladder? Look at where you are now...you are at kissing.

First you were at a-little-EA
then you were at hugging
now you are at kissing
oh actually...you are at kissing and "wrestling"

Boy this stuff never gets old..

She is NOT a good partner because she refuses to come clean, and guess what? She will NEVER tell you all of it. You'll be pumping her for years...and by then you'll be asking where he came on her... I'm so sorry. By that time, she would already have moved on to another man too...This isn't fixable unless she confesses everything to you and gives you full power to ask any question and get the full answer once and for all. Demand this. Give her one last chance before you are ready to call it quits. I'm serious though, theres no turning back at this point. There are tons of things written on the subject. Your recovery from this in terms of relationship completely depends on HER behavior now. You are doing good, you are asking the tough questions...and I must say she doesnt want that to stop. She likes seeing how it pisses you off. She needs attention don't you see? Don't you see how she loves how you are agressive about this and keep coming back to her? It's actually encouraging her to do this again.

She wants you to be a man, but she did it wrong. You need to tell her that she has one last chance and that you are giving it to her to tell you EVERYTHING. Take her somewhere else to do this, don't do it at home. Take her to like a park or whatever. If she refuses, march to your car, leave her at the bench and drive off. Go home and start packing. I'm serious. But hey, it's your life. THis is what I would do being that I went through this already and I wish I had done that from the beginning.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Im getting confused here... is the affair still going on? I thought I had read she confessed to you and it was over. You can only forgive what she confesses, if she has cut clean away from it. If she is still involved and will not stop then you have to leave as that is intolerable. Forgiveness is for the repentent, the ones who feel intense regret for their actions. If she is still involved that is not repentence.. she is merely acknowledging what she is doing still.

Since Im unclear where you stand, Im holding off on final advice here.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She doesn't want you to talk to her, because she is another piece of the puzzle. What if she said "That's why he didn't come home that night. Or she may have a hotel receipt that she found in his car. Don't believe a f-ing word she says. Talk to the guys wife. Blow the lid off of this affair and then see what you feel when you have the whole truth.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Im getting confused here... is the affair still going on? I thought I had read she confessed to you and it was over.


Yes the affair is over between them. The affair ended two months ago. It ended roughly two weeks before she finally came home. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this new knowledge of how far it went. I have been sleeping on the couch for the past four days or so. We haven't kissed and I haven't hugged her back since she told me Monday. But earlier this morning we talked about it a little and nothing good came out of it but me being more angry. I wound up telling her she had to find somewhere else to stay. Well she became hysterical by crying and such. I felt bad but I was so angry with her. At the same time I still missed her and her touch. It is so confusing. Half of me says lets work it out and the other half says drop your losses and start a new. When we finally decided to go to sleep she got off of the couch and came to me laid next to me on the bed. I didn't want her to but at the same time it was nice. We wound up talking a bit more and I finally hugged her and petted her. Half of me said don't do this she doesn't deserve it but the other half said this is good and feels oh so natural. After all that we finally built up the courage to give each other a kiss. Deep down I really wanted to but was scared to. I did it anyway. Well I found a new profound fear of mine. I kissed her and I felt nothing from it. Sorry to say but the next couple of kisses I used her as a guinea pig to see if I felt anything to just make sure it wasn't a fluke or something like that and sure enough there was nothing. That is the first time in our five year marriage that I have ever felt like that, ever. And that scared me. I am becoming so less emotionally attached as the days go by. I am sinking fast and don't know if I should just keep on sinking or try and dig myself out.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

What I understand has to happen when a cheating spouse is forgiven and you stay together is that the cheating spouse has to make ammends. You feel nothing because you were recently betrayed, and the hurt part of you is blocking it. You have to trust her again before you feel something. 

I am still wondering what really made her stray. Was it only because she was away from home for so much of the time? Being a woman, I find that really hard to understand, because if what is at home is good, then there is no reason for the arms of another man. So, I dont know if its about opening up communication lines, or really just making each other feel loved again. Im not one for talking about everything anymore... my husband opened me up to talking and it has done nothing but be our downfall. I think some mystery is good.

That being said, you could simply make a statement about this and be done... "I dont know what made you feel the need to go outside the marriage into his arms, if it was something I did or didnt do, I am sorry for that. I am committed to continue with us. I want to be the one you want to run to, whose arms you feel loved and safe and attractive in. Can you help me be that man, can we focus on us? Are you with me on this?"

Does this sound ok to you?
You should have your answer.


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## idontunderstand (Dec 31, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> I am still wondering what really made her stray.


We talked today And I told her this was my last ditch effort. I told her your statement and I got a true response. She told me that there wasn't anything wrong at all with us that things were good. She said they just started out as good friends and he made her comfortable. She said he built her up to no end. But at the same time he was making me out to be this terrible husband. She said he played her about as hard as it gets. She said he found her insecurities and faults in our marriage and ran with them. She said he was somehow able to play her against me and not even realize it because they were so small of attacks on our marriage. As she says it was like he was listening and understanding but he was the one bringing this out and making it something it wasn't. Somehow he was able to make her see me as this dirt bag that is so controlling that I never let her do anything. But that is so far from the truth. I am and always have been a wonderful, caring, and loving husband with faults of my own. But it also didn't help the fact we were fighting so much after the second week she was there. The fights were over she didn't call enough or anymore. She said that he somehow made our marriage out to be in so much trouble when it really wasn't. She said she lost control and that she wasn't the driver of that car anymore. He was the driver and he was taking her wherever he wanted to go with just little resistance here and there. She said she had no excuses for her actions other than he played her the right way and she gave in without any control. She said she started seeing our marriage as hell and he was giving her compassion and companionship. At the same time he is telling her his marriage is on it's way to ending. She told me that he told her that things were ok with his marriage in the beginning but than at some point she said he told her that it wasn't. I understand that he played the hell out of her but at the same time how do you let someone talk you into thinking your marriage and your spouse is just garbage when you knew that it wasn't. I don't understand. How can I trust that this will never happen again. She tells me that it will never happen ever again but she said nothing like this could ever happen in the first place to us before this ever happened. So how do you trust that and move forward. Or am I supposed to move on to another. I love my wife but she has done the ultimate.


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

Oh god... it's all HIS fault. It's all on HIM. He was the horny one, not her. She just...ugh...went along.

Funny how a lot of women work, this also happens to me when I date someone. I catch them talking to others about how we met and they completely leave out what THEY did, they only talk about what I did. Either they are completely unaware of what they are doing when they want a man (which is scary) or they fantasize about not being responsible for anything and put it all on me on purpose.

Women need to give the green light, otherwise it's not an affair at all, more like an abduction/rape. 

R U even listening?


Should you move on? Well, ask her...Trust is earned buddy, and until she earns your trust again you might actually develop EDD. Trust involves not lying. Has she earned your trust back? Or has she demanded it? When that didn't work...what did she do? She refused to tell the truth, and twists things and blames it all on him (irresponsible). Can you trust an irresponsible and lying wife? How can you be assured it wont happen again? She'll just act irresponsible and lie again, thats for sure. She's making no effort here!

And also, asking about what is wrong in the marriage to make her stray is totally opening the flood gates in giving her an excuse. If the marriage was bad for her, she was responsible to bring it to your attention and ask for help in fixing it before she went giving herself to another.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has your wife asked you to forgive her? All those feelings you are having are perfectly normal. You have been betrayed. Trust has to be earned, and she needs to be aware of that. What is she doing to EARN your trust? Both of you really need counseling. However, I'm wondering why her schedule "conflicts" with the counseling appointments. Is that conflict on purpose? Some counselors do have appointments in the evenings and on weekends.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Did you call the guys wife yet, and find out if there was more then your wife told you?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Read the book "Not Just Friends". It will give you insight into how these things happen. She should read it too, and in fact, her willingness to explore the reasons and talk about the affair are the best barometer on whether this relationship is salvagable. 

If she's open, transparent (email passwords, cell phone records) willing to disclose and willing to do the work that needs doing, such as reading books, posting on forums, etc - then your marriage is savable.

If she wants it all to disappear, then she's in denial, and your chances are slim.

Also, in Not Just Friends the author makes note that the breach from friends to kissing, is greater than the breach from kissing to sex. So be prepared. It's quite possible they did more than kissing. She'll need to feel safe enough with you to disclose it though, and that means controling your emotions, even though you feel rage/hurt inside.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I wish I could throw something in there to help you. I have been there quite a few times. I do have a theory. It's just a theory. There are two types of cheaters. One timers who just royally mess up and are truely sorry and habitual cheaters who just for some reason or another do not want to control that urge. Either way....cheating is serious. There isn't an excuse.....no matter what she says. Plenty of us had horrible marriages with unattentive husbands (not that you did anything wrong) and never ever cheat.....no amount of flattery pulled my attention from the fact that I was a married woman. She wanted that attention or she wouldn't have reacted to it. The fault is just as much hers as his.

Trust is hard to get back once it is broken, but it isn't impossible. Honestly it is up to you whether or not you can Forgive her. That is your choice. And you will never have a guarantee for it to never happen again. Give yourself time.......healing can take a while. 

It is a very painful thing you are going through. I know. All I do KNOW for certain is that you can survive it and you will be happy again one day....with or without her.

Take care.


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