# Wife says she has never loved me



## alan87 (Aug 20, 2012)

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, 3 of those as husband and wife. I recently was told by wife that she has never loved me because when we got married she thought love was something different. She says she still doesn't know what love is though she has since moved back with her parents. We are seeking counseling but she seems shut off in an attempt to protect herself. She had a very traumatic experience in high school that has affected our lives and she has since gotten counseling for this issue and is still in the process of resolving it. I feel this treatment has changed her viewpoints as well as scared her to an extent. I am lost as what to do and I am afraid of losing the love of my life!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

is there someone else in this situation?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I truly hope you're hearing your wife's pain doing her talking for her, because that's a very insensitive thing to say, even if she's trying to be honest. 

A major trauma, especially sexual as I suspect hers was, can make it very hard to trust and open up completely. This sometimes affects people their entire lives. While it's somewhat hopeful that she's getting help for it, the outcome depends a lot on the quality and ability of the counselor she's seeing. I'm afraid I'm a bit jaded on the subject, though.

Is there any possibility that you could offer to attend counseling with her sometimes to show your support? I ask because if you're also able to make a connection with the counselor, she's more likely to help your wife view your relationship in a positive light than to take a totally objective, "if you don't love him, then you must leave" stance.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There are people who can't feel those emotions. They can fake them but they can't 'feel' them.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> is there someone else in this situation?


DING! DING! DING!

We have a winner :iagree:


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

alan87 said:


> I am lost as what to do and I am afraid of losing the love of my life!


But you are not the love of her life so you are wasting your time (and in your own way being selfish, wanting her to stay for your benefit regardless how she feels).

You only have one real option, let her go.

She may also be having an affair but even if that’s the case you have even more reason to let her go since she would be a cheater as well.

Your goal should be emotionally detach from her, not saving the M because you will fail if you try to make her stay or change her mind. Let her go and if she comes back it will be of her own free will which is the only way reconciliation can work. She has to miss you to understand what she will be losing.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

With so few details about what's going on, I think it's unfair to slap this woman with the label of "cheater." We need to find out more details before anyone can give any kind of observations or advice here.

Personally, I'm with KathyBatesel. I think it's much more likely that the "traumatic situation" is on the sexual abuse spectrum. If this is true, then maybe she's at a point where she just wants to cut ties with everyone and everything that reminds her of that time in her life except her immediate family. Whether or not the counseling has been effective remains to be seen.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

We need an accounting of how many marriages were saved that we read about on these boards where one spouse moved out to live elsewhere and there was a successful reconciliation.
I'm betting on less than ten percent.


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## kate542 (Jul 25, 2012)

You need to get on with your life you can't make a person love you no matter how hard you try.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

unless this was an arranged marriage forced at gunpoint, she obviously loved something about you when she chose to marry you. She has lost sight of whatever that is, and all too often on here its because she's in the shroud of fog surrounding her infatuation with someone else.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> is there someone else in this situation?


This would make a lot of sense, especially since she stated that she didn't know what love was. Were you just a guy who was always there for her, like a friend? Maybe she met someone she really clicks with, someone who is more like a _best_ friend who completely understands her.


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## sethbrawnl (Aug 22, 2012)

I'm afraid I'm a bit jaded on the subject


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Said she doesn't know what love is, because she has met someone new & exciting & whom is knocking her socks off. She is wondering if this new feeling is what love is supposed to feel like.

Sorry.. but I don't think she would question it in such few short years together, if she wasn't getting emotional satisfaction from another source.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Find the new OM and you'll find why she is asking this question.

She's not at her parents to think, she is there because she will have the freedom and privacy to contact the OM., even go out and meet him.

Just my gut instinct.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

For whatever reason, she fraudulently portrayed herself ready to be married when she wasn't. I'd give her a legal separation for a specific period of time (protecting my financial interests at the same time). The time period gives her time to get appropriate counseling and work out whatever trauma or cobwebs she's got. At the expiration date, if she's not back home, being a fully functioning wife, or making serious effort in that direction, I'd hit her with divorce papers and drive on with my life.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Lon said:


> unless this was an arranged marriage forced at gunpoint, she obviously loved something about you when she chose to marry you. She has lost sight of whatever that is, and all too often on here its because she's in the shroud of fog surrounding her infatuation with someone else.


Sometimes some girls and guys just love the idea of marriage so much it obscures their vision as to who they are marrying or why they got married.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It depends on her age.

Young people cannot disern the different between the four-letter word LOVE or LUST. At that age, they "feel" like the same thing. And when I mean young, I mean even in the mid-20's. I know that I married young and thought I was "in love" too, but as I aged I realized that it wasn't really love, it was lust and when it wore off I couldn't stand to be around him and filed for divorce. 

When I met my second husband, then I realized what real love was and we've been married almost 29 years--not without a lot of bumps along the way, but this is real love, we can weather any storm.

Perhaps she thought it was love, but it was actually lust and now that the lust has worn off she's thinking to herself--why in the hell am I here?

If that's the case, it may be hard to ever change her mind. 

And you guys have been together 6 years and married for 3 and she still hasn't resolved, through therapy, whatever the event was in High School? I'm sure it was traumatic and I feel for her, but is she using this as an excuse to get out of the marriage (nobody yell at me - it's happened before)?

Moving back in with her parents says a lot. When I left my first husband I didn't run back to Mommy & Daddy, I stayed out on my own.


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