# How do I get my wife to 'ask me' for sex



## wise-1

This is my first post. I am a 25 year old married father of a 2 year old boy. My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years now. I was just wondering if there was something I'm doing or not doing to make my wife not want sex with me. The first thing I thought was (typical male reaction to rejection) my penis is to small for her. That can't be it because despite being of 'average' size, I have had nothing but compliments in my previous relationships. 
My wife will have sex with me but it is only because she feels like I will go out and get it somewere else, and she thinks that if she just 'gives me some' then it will be ok. I feel like she hates sex and I feel bad for asking for it but I am a very sexual person. 
My wife can be very sexy but only MABEY once every two or three months does she accually want to have sex. 
I have went literally 2 weeks with no sex because I was trying to get her to ask for it. I was being romantic, nice, and loving the whole time. The only way to get her to 'ask' for sex is to get mad at her, and tell her when she asks what's wrong, that I am mad because I haven't had sex in a while.
When we first got together it was sex all day. About 2 or three times a day. Then she got pregnant and it was still sex all day. Then she had our son and after the 6 month waiting period the sex just turned into a 'hurry up and get this over with' thing. I HATE THAT!!! It makes me feel like a rapist in a way, because she is not having fun with me.
Please give me some advise....
I won't cheat! I will have to leave her and find someone who is a little more sexual though.


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## RandomDude

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/33247-tips-my-bros.html

Any opposing views please feel free, I've always found it troubling I have no male responses on that thread =/


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## Kobo

There's a 6 month wainting period? Why are you asking or waiting around for her to ask for sex? When you were dating did you "ask" for sex? 
Guess what fellas, being the initiator of sex is going to be our responsibility most of the time because we generally have the higher sex drive. Need to get past the wife never iniates so I'm gonna wait for two weeks walking around grumpy because she won't intiate sex pushing her further away because why would she want have sex with a grumpy man who then complains that he's grumpy because of lack of sex so she gives him sex but because its just duty sex no one is happy with it. (Phew!)

You have a 2 yr old that your wife is expending energy on. He is her focus, it's a natural thing. What you have to do is communicate to her that sex is a big deal. Let her know that's how you connect with her. Just like the 3 time a day sexcapades bonded you two together. She has to realize that she's not just a mother but also a wife and that the husband/wife bond must be continually strengthened. You also need get your passion for her back and not just think of her as the sex provider (Hint: Asking for sex is not passionate) I think deep kissing provides the biggest spark. Give her long wet one on your way out to work and let her know to be ready for more when you get back. Others will give some good links on other tips to get that spark going again. Take your role as the initiator of the passion to heart.


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## trey69

Her time and energy is spent with a 2 yr old now. Shes probably tired and worn out. maybe she is suffering from some postpartum depression. Have you helped her much with your son? Do you help carry the responsibility of things so its not all on her? You clearly stated things went down hill after your son was born, so my guess is thats what it has got to do with.


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## square1

I know after I had my DD all my focus went to her. My H worked all the time so i would got used to just focusing on her. We had sex but it wasn't like before. I was tired all the time. Then one day he did the same sexiest thing. He grabbed our daughter said why don't you go rest I got this. I swear if i wasn't so tired I would have jumped him right then and there. I slept forever. Then that night we made love like before we had a kid. It was amazing. He started doing that more and slowly our sex life improved.


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## that_girl

After a baby, women's hormones can do all wonky. She should get them tested... My friend had the same issue after her baby and it was discovered that her body had low testosterone. After a few months of treatment (she rubbed it on her body) her levels improved and her sex drive came back.


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## MrK

When a man and a woman who love each other both say "I do" in front of friends and family within a minute or two, it sets off a chemical reaction in the female brain that begins to diminish a desire for sex with her husband. The tempo of the decline varies, but can start immediately and can take up to 5 years. It is the rare human female that desires her mate after 5 years. 2 years is about average.

Fact. Look it up.


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## wise-1

trey69 said:


> Her time and energy is spent with a 2 yr old now. Shes probably tired and worn out. maybe she is suffering from some postpartum depression. Have you helped her much with your son? Do you help carry the responsibility of things so its not all on her? You clearly stated things went down hill after your son was born, so my guess is thats what it has got to do with.


I am the stay at home father. Her jobs are not the reson either because she constantly reminds me of how easy her jobs are. I am always giving her long passionate kisses. All the tricks and tips I know don't work. I am romantic alot. I bought her flowers and a card that said thank you for being you. I tell her I love her everyday, not to just get some but because I do love her. I am not grumpy when I am waiting for her to offer herself because I know this is not sexy.


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## trey69

wise-1 said:


> I am the stay at home father. Her jobs are not the reson either because she constantly reminds me of how easy her jobs are. I am always giving her long passionate kisses. All the tricks and tips I know don't work. I am romantic alot. I bought her flowers and a card that said thank you for being you. I tell her I love her everyday, not to just get some but because I do love her. I am not grumpy when I am waiting for her to offer herself because I know this is not sexy.


Still could be postpartum depression. Tell her you're concerned and ask her to get checked out.


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## Enchantment

wise-1 said:


> I am the stay at home father. Her jobs are not the reson either because she constantly reminds me of how easy her jobs are. I am *always* giving her long passionate kisses. All the tricks and tips I know don't work. I am romantic alot. I bought her flowers and a card that said thank you for being you. I tell her I love her everyday, not to just get some but because I do love her. I am not grumpy when I am waiting for her to offer herself because I know this is not sexy.


How often is always? Do you think you could be overwhelming or smothering her?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

And, just a hint, but most women are not going to 'offer themselves' up if they do not feel a strong emotional connection with their partner. What do you think SHE needs in order to feel emotionally connected to you again?

Best wishes.


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## CantePe

MrK said:


> When a man and a woman who love each other both say "I do" in front of friends and family within a minute or two, it sets off a chemical reaction in the female brain that begins to diminish a desire for sex with her husband. The tempo of the decline varies, but can start immediately and can take up to 5 years. It is the rare human female that desires her mate after 5 years. 2 years is about average.
> 
> Fact. Look it up.


*cough*BULLSH!T*cough*

14 years and I still bang the hell out of hubby, I'm always pawing at him. Oh, and 5 kids between us biologically.


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## that_girl

MrK said:


> When a man and a woman who love each other both say "I do" in front of friends and family within a minute or two, it sets off a chemical reaction in the female brain that begins to diminish a desire for sex with her husband. The tempo of the decline varies, but can start immediately and can take up to 5 years. It is the rare human female that desires her mate after 5 years. 2 years is about average.
> 
> Fact. Look it up.


:scratchhead: what the eff? :rofl: Not all women.


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## joelmacdad

I TOTALLY agree with Enchantment here. Start with the thread she mentions below, then read every post on this forum from Athol, MEM11363, Conrad, BigBadWolf, AHEH and Deejo. They WILL help you tremendously.

If you are always trying to "romanticize" your wife to get her to initiate sex, you have an uphill battle in front of you. If you are turning into a sulking grump after two weeks of no sex, you are fighting an uphill battle.

Please go to Married Man Sex Life and start reading. And for sure drop the $9.99 on Athol's Primer book. It will be the best $10 you have ever spent relating to sex in marriage.

Read above all the threads, the site, and then the book BEFORE you tell your wife to get her hormones tested.

I am 40 Y.O. Been married for 20 this year with a 19 yo, 16 yo and 10 yo. I have always had the higher drive. I used to get sulky and grumpy w/o sex. I had become too "Betanonized" by my wife and lost the edge. NOT ANYMORE since coming to this site. I have learned plenty from the men above in the Clubhouse. 

Let's just finally say we have gone from 2-3 times per month to every other day and many times every day. We are getting to the point where some kind of intimate "playtime" is the default choice, it is no longer me asking her to do it.

You can get there too.



Enchantment said:


> How often is always? Do you think you could be overwhelming or smothering her?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html
> 
> And, just a hint, but most women are not going to 'offer themselves' up if they do not feel a strong emotional connection with their partner. What do you think SHE needs in order to feel emotionally connected to you again?
> 
> Best wishes.


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## ncooke

Here's a thought: be somebody she'd like to have sex with.

Taking care of yourself aesthetically is a huge part of that, but let her know you're thinking about her when you're apart too.

If I have dirty plans for the evening, I start preheating the oven at around noon


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## AFEH

Flash her a $50 note?


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## square1

AFEH said:


> Flash her a $50 note?



There's a suggestion. I played stripper one night. My husband didn't want to give away his money to a strange woman so i was like hell I'll strip for you. He was all for it. I gave him a lap dance too and he came in his pants. 

Funny thing was he must not have washed the pants good enough, cause he wore them a few dys later to a haunted house and the blacklight just lit up the stain. We laughed so hard about it I almost peed my pants.


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## ncooke

square1 said:


> There's a suggestion. I played stripper one night. My husband didn't want to give away his money to a strange woman so i was like hell I'll strip for you. He was all for it. I gave him a lap dance too and he came in his pants.


I applaud you!


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## Runs like Dog

Kiss another woman, see if that fires up her engines?


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## Enginerd

Get a job. You are dependent on your wife which is not very sexy not to mention a horrible plan for your long term finances. Taking care of your kid is great but she is loosing repect for you.


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## ManDup

Is there a way I can get my wife to ask me to go hunting with me? p.s. I don't hunt.


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## romantic_guy

I posted this in the sex in marriage forum, but I thought it would apply here.For most of our marriage (39 years last July) I could not understand why my wife did not seem to want sex as often as I did. She always got into it once we started and always has a great orgasm but I could never understand why she rarely initiated or even seemed to have a "take it or leave it" attitude at times.

Then I began to understand that the issue was not really a lack of desire but that sex was not at the forefront of her brain like it is mine.

I came across this quote in the book, "The Couple Checkup" (great book BTW)

"About 80 percent of married couples report that the husbands want sex more than the wives do, but some researchers believe this may have more to do with the fact that our culture tends to define desire by the initiation of sex. Debra Taylor and Michael Sytsma found that women experience a receptive type of sexual desire that is triggered once sexual activity begins. They claim that most women will respond positively to sexual advances; they are just biologically less likely to think about it in the first place."

(©2008 David Olson Ph.D.;Amy Olson-Sigg;Peter J. Larson Ph.D, Thomas Nelson Publishing)

Another thing that really helped us was discovering her "love language" You can find out more from the book of the same name. Her love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service. Mine are physical touch and quality time. The more I got upset at her for the lack of sex, the less she wanted me because it had a negative impact on the "words of affirmation" aspect of her love language. Generally, a woman needs to feel emotionally connected to her man to desire sex whereas a man gains emotional connection from sex.


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