# Never reached out before...



## Anna lost (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi, I don't know what I'm doing.... Always been strong enough to handle things on my own. But apparently I'm not now or I wouldn't be here. Wow. This is difficult. I am going to give complete strangers my most intimate details of my marriage. Ok. Here goes, my husband and I have been "separated" since the last day of June this year. I asked for him to leave. We have been together a total of 13 almost 14 years. He is a police officer and has been for over 20 years. There has been an intimacy issue between us for many years. It's extremely difficult for a woman to ask her husband if he's still attracted to her and speaks honestly about the lack of sex and still nothing changes over years....I DO NOT believe he has EVER cheated. Let me clear this up now. He is not the kind of man/person that would ever do that. I'm not being nieve just know him and his character. That being said I have recently strayed. I have been desperate for affection and to feel "wanted" it was with a woman who constantly professes her love for me. I have ended it and feel completely worthless as a human being for what I have done. I hurt her deeply and cannot make it better. 
My issue or problem is this, I love my husband and want to be with him, only him. He tells me I have crushed him by asking for time apart. During this time I have realized how much I truly love him and feel I can even sacrifice the intimacy to have my best friend back. He gives me mixed signals and I haven't seen him since the day in June I asked him for time, alls I wanted was for him to fight for us, for me. I have told him that, to please fight for us, for me, and he just says he's "trying to keep his head above water" I feel like I'm dying. Honesty dying. I don't know what to do and how to fix things. Im alone lost and scared. There is so much more to this then what I have written here. But I don't want to go on and on either. Thanks for reading this, I beg you not to judge me as I have done that enough and will have to answer to God for my actions.


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## Wanttoliveagain (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi Anna, thanks for starting to share your story. 

What do you mean when you say you want your husband to want to fight for you? Have you considered or tried counselling? It sounds like you both want to work on it but don't know how to fix it. Am I understanding correctly? When 2 people want to work on it I think there is hope at least.


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## Anna lost (Nov 2, 2013)

Hi, wow I'm excited someone replied.... Thanku so, so much....
Yes we've been to counseling before... Didn't do much good. Nothing changed at all.... When I say I want him to fight for us I guess I just mean TRY, and put forth the effort... I just wanted, needed to feel worth it to him. He won't budge if I even hint at the idea of us working things out.. He just will say things like "I'm in a bad spot" or "this has crushed me"


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Does he know about the other woman? Did that happen before you had asked him to leave or after? Im only asking as to that may be adding to his feelings of being crushed. Since you say he is in law enforcement, he has much more knowledge of being a sleuth than most so even if you haven't told him maybe he does know. 

When you asked him to leave, give you space, you say you wanted to fight for you. This that tricky slope. Again given his profession he sees the worst in divorce/domestic situations so he will be more cautious that the average guy. Don't take it the wrong way, he gave you want you wanted. 

But now that he is living his own life, maybe he has reflected on the marriage and is still trying to figure things out himself and he does need the time to reflect. It is a 2 way street once a separation begins, just because you want him back now doesn't mean he wants to come back now. There have been problems for a while and its been a communication problem among other things. 

You have expressed to him a desire to work things out. Now he needs to decide what he wants to do. Don't push or pester him.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I find it odd that you mention hurting the OW and cannot make it better. What about hurting your husband and trying to make your marriage better for him?

Was there ever a plan for you two to get back together after the separation? Maybe he thinks this is permanent and he is just waiting for you to file.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> But now that he is living his own life, maybe he has reflected on the marriage and is still trying to figure things out himself and he does need the time to reflect. It is a 2 way street once a separation begins, just because you want him back now doesn't mean he wants to come back now. There have been problems for a while and its been a communication problem among other things


Yes, give him space. You have made your self clear that you wish to work on your marriage. DO not worry about the woman you had an affair with, worry about your marriage.

Anna, while he finds himself do the same to you. Find yourself, write a journal, write down your feelings, your expectations for a marriage, write down your worth. I feel that you should also look into yourself for the reason you chose to cheat on your husband.
Finally, I suggest counseling for both of you. How often do you have sex? Do you both enjoy it? Do you think your husband may have some sexual traumas?

good luck


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## Anna lost (Nov 2, 2013)

Thanku to all of you who replied. I feel better already and what y'all have said makes a lot of sense. To answer questions of course I feel for my husband and want him to be ok. I do not believe he knows and I do not want to tell him, I'm not a cheater, or wasn't anyway til this happened. This person and I became best friends quickly and feelings developed quickly. It started towards the end of me asking my husband to leave. I believe I was questioning everything at this point and was tired of reaching out and it always being a feeling of rejection from him. I went to someone else to fill that void, never did I imagine this would happen. I have real feelings for her but after he was gone everything that I was trying to not feel came back. It took a couple of months for me to realize and let myself feel the loss, thats when I also realized I wasn't allowing myself to grieve and to be "present" in what was happening, I was trying to let another person take it away or cover it up. It has been a difficult process trying to get this person to let go and move on, and still is. She feels I'm her soul mate, and I feel horrible doing this to her and the guilt I feel for not being faithful to my husband and not strong enough to endure on my own is eating me away. 
We had become roommates, we worked different schedules so had very little time together and when we were home together we were in separate rooms most of the time. Always nice to each other but never any real affection. He always told me he couldn't wait to get home to me and always had nice things to say. But they became just words to me after years. Didn't really feel like there was any meaning behind them anymore. Especially when i did ask for what I needed, he was fully aware. Then I stopped asking. Told him a few weeks before he left that I was "broken" and didn't know what to do anymore. He came home we embraced and both cried. Then nothing. It was like it never happened. I think that was my final time to reach out. And wanted something desperately from him but nothing. When I asked him to leave that day it was like we weren't in the same marriage, he thought everything was ok. He was in total shock. I couldn't believe it. How could he not know? 
We haven't been together intimatley in at least a year. Other than a couple of pecks on the lips and a few hugs thru out the day. This had been going on for years, we had been to counciling for it and it never really changed. My self esteem has plummeted and feel like it is me. But he says it isn't. That he's just tired, I never badgered him about this, but every few months I would break down and would say something. 
He is very negative about life and people and carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He feels like everything bad that ever happens to him is God punishing him, and I mean even like locking his keys in the car, or the lawn mower breaking. This became so difficult to bear that being around him was emotionally exhausting. Constant negativity, constant. If the charcoal wouldn't light it was giant sighs, getting angry etc. I would be excited to come home and cook out and then something small would happen and I would shut down. But he would say what's wrong? It was very very rare that he would be in a good mood, but would always say I was the only reason he wanted to come home and I was the only thing that made him feel better. It began to honestly drain the life from me. I'm a positive person, and believe that things will always work out. But also know that you have to put in effort to make that happen. I don't know if any of this helps. And desperately want him to be ok. Alls I've ever wanted. We have both been thru a lot of loss together. I have lost everyone I love that's close to me. I have no family here to help me, and very little family left in general.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> We haven't been together intimatley in at least a year. Other than a couple of pecks on the lips and a few hugs thru out the day. This had been going on for years, we had been to counciling for it and it never really changed. My self esteem has plummeted and feel like it is me. But he says it isn't. That he's just tired, I never badgered him about this, but every few months I would break down and would say something.


Do you know what his childhood was like?
What was his breakdown about?


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## Anna lost (Nov 2, 2013)

He didn't have a bad childhood although he was raised in a police family and saw many things that a young boy never should have seen. I don't know if he had an actual breakdown, he's kinda always been this way but thru the years it's gotten worse and worse. He always says "something's wrong with me". He also believes he deserves every bad thing that happens to him...


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> He also believes he deserves every bad thing that happens to him...


Do you know why he hates himself so much?
Are you religious? Do you and your husband have a support system? 
Ann, you both need to see a therapist.

No person should feel like they deserve every bad thing that happens to them.

Do you wish to continue with your marriage?

I really feel for you.


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## Anna lost (Nov 2, 2013)

No I don't know why he does. But he does. And I am aware he has to love himself in order to be ok. I am a Christian, he believes but feels God is doing all this to him because "you reap what you sew" is what he says. No support system except for what we had in each other. He won't go see one because he says he would be pulled off the force if he were to tell them how he really felt. I want to be with him, yes. I love him truly love him. I just don't know how to help him, and this life was killing me.


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## Anna lost (Nov 2, 2013)

And I just got super paranoid so I'm changing my user name.... I guess that's what being unfaithful does to u. Hate myself for that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hello Anna,

Do you have children? Pardon me you wrote about this, but your text is very dense. Perhaps you could go back and insert some paragraphs?

Your husband sounds depressed, chronically depressed. He should get some therapy.

When you go to bed together why doesn't anything happen? Do you initiate sex? Is he uncomfortable with that?

Does he seek release in online porn?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He does sound depressed and most likely needs some type of therapy by himself to begin with. Law enforcement is a stressful job and you end up seeing the worst of society day in and day out. He may be burnt out especially when he has a fear of loosing his job about going to counseling. 

Sounds like he was depressed from work, things not going well at home, he isn't sure how to communicate and doesn't necessarily understand the way your trying to communicate. Then you ask him to move out. You stated you wanted him to fight to get you back so to speak, you wanted attention. You kicked him pretty hard and then almost immediately turned to someone else and while you think he doesn't know he probably does. He needs time to sort things out and you need time to sort things out also since you still show concern for the other person in this situation, you haven't completely ended contact with her is my guess. 

You state you want him back yet what he wasn't giving you want you want overall. How is that going to change by him coming home? You show concern for the other person, how you don't want her feelings hurt. If you want your husband back her feelings should be the least of your concerns. You, yourself and your marriage should be your priority. Your husband isn't happy, you've crushed him as you put it. Have you actually asked your husband what he wants? 

Somehow the two of you need to be able to really communicate and understand what each other is saying and counseling would help but that takes commitment by both.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Anna lost said:


> And I just got super paranoid so I'm changing my user name.... I guess that's what being unfaithful does to u. Hate myself for that.


Anna,

Have you had individual therapy?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Anna, when you wrote, "you wanted your husband to fight for you" ... 
These too,were the words my husband used to me when I refused after I found out about his affair. These very words have been a sore point in our recovery. How he expects a betrayed spouse to fight for a cheater is beyond me. 

I realize you haven't told your husband,but you've rejected him no less, and he feels the hurt. It's a really hard place to be, either side... Hope it gets better for you before it gets worst. 

~sammy


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## MisterRitter (Sep 1, 2012)

Hi Anna,

I agree with some other posters that your husband sounds depressed. He sounds a lot like me. I have been depressed for years and have only recently begun to see how it, along with a lot of drinking, has affected my life. 

My STBXW tried to reach out to me many times over the years of our marriage but I was stuck where I was. I have been going to a therapist very regularly over the past year plus and have been discovering so much about myself and why I did or didn't do certain things. 

I think the only way things are going to change is if he wants to change and puts in the work to do so. Sorry, I don't know how to tell you to do that. I started my journey after my wife asked for a separation and started a relationship with someone else. It was debilitating and incredibly painful, but it took something that extreme to cause me to take action.

It wasn't that I didn't want to make my marriage work, but I was just so ignorant about how to do it. And about so many other things. Not sure if this helps, just wanted to hopefully give you a little idea about what might be going on with him. Good luck to you.


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