# Question for people who have been the cheater



## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

I was wondering something. Did you bring your emotions home from your affair?

And what I mean, is if things were going really well with your OM/OW would you be happy and in a good mood, and that you would carry that home? Treating your spouse better than normal, and just generally much happier than normal?

And if things were going bad, you were having a fight or breaking up with OM/OW, would you also take that home and be in a bad mood, grumpy, not wanting to talk etc.?

Also, if it was multiple partners (ex. someone to sleep with, but not an actual relationship) would this apply if you were "in between" affairs?


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Why are you wondering about this are you having one or do you think hubby is .


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

We have lost a lot of former waywards on this site so pickins might be slim for your thread.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Molly, I remembered past posts you made, so I went back and briefly skimmed them. Did he start the new job? Is he still hiding his money? 

Your H is a trainwreck. Cheating or no cheating, you need to get this man out of your life, the sooner the better.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is not a very wayward-friendly site and if an occasional WS does post here they get beaten up pretty bad so you probably won't get much first-hand experiences from WS's here.

I can tell you from reading some cheater forums and other forums that have actual WS sections that many WS are on Cloud Nine or even somewhat euphoric when they are first getting down with their APs.

And conversely, some go into deep depressions and may even get therapy or go on antidepressants when they lose their APs. 

How that effects their home life is hard to day though as many dedicate their lives to keepibg the two worlds separate. 

For the vast majority of cheaters, it is about having their cake and eating it too and not about replacing their BS, so some are able to maintain status quo while their affair is going through extreme swings and chaos.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Molly, I remembered past posts you made, so I went back and briefly skimmed them. Did he start the new job? Is he still hiding his money?
> 
> Your H is a trainwreck. Cheating or no cheating, you need to get this man out of your life, the sooner the better.


Yes and Yes to the job and money. I think I made mention I was waiting to speak with him about this until his Jeep was fixed because it's torn apart in my parents garage. And I don't want to have to deal with this after the fact, nor put it on my parents. It's still apart...it's taking alot longer then I figured. In the meantime, he is still upto his antics, and still being deceitful and lying to me. Just recently he went to "work" for the day. Except it wasn't work he went to, it was to another city. Which he when he came home, said his "job" for the day didn't work out, so he just decided on "spur of the moment" to drive to this city 4 hours away. I did some snooping, he was planning this trip at least a week in advance. So it was not spur of the moment. and there are other details that don't match up about this. I guess I just want to know what he's upto, because I know he wouldn't tell me the truth if I asked him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh hell no, not ok. Is he aware that you know about his little "side trip" plan? 

I'd be happy to help you out with that app you posted about, too.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> This is not a very wayward-friendly site and if an occasional WS does post here they get beaten up pretty bad so you probably won't get much first-hand experiences from WS's here.
> 
> I can tell you from reading some cheater forums and other forums that have actual WS sections that many WS are on Cloud Nine or even somewhat euphoric when they are first getting down with their APs.
> 
> ...




hmmm....ok. He had to take a work trip out of town a few weeks back. Ever since, he's been in such a good mood, it's not normal for him. (He normally swings up and down. but he's been steadily happy. he even said "thank you" to me for cooking him supper yesterday. It's been years since he thanked me. So this is really abnormal behaviour.)


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh hell no, not ok. Is he aware that you know about his little "side trip" plan?
> 
> I'd be happy to help you out with that app you posted about, too.


No, he has no idea I know anything. I have been keeping it to myself, because I feel like as soon as he knows I'm checking on him....he will discard of any proof, receipts etc. and keep on erasing his footprints going forward.

And thank you for the offer of help with the app. I will let you know if I need it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> I was waiting to speak with him about this until his Jeep was fixed because it's torn apart in my parents garage. I know he wouldn't tell me the truth if I asked him.


I think your priorities are all screwed up. I think that if I was in your position, in a relationship with a person who was lying left and right and who couldn't be trusted not to cheat, and the only reason I could think of not to kick them to the curb was because their Jeep was torn apart in their parents garage I would do the following:

1- Call someone who collects junk cars and have them swing by your parents house for a pickup.
2- File for divorce and as much support as you can legally get from him. 

In any particular order. 

You're wasting your time with all this speculation about why he's so happy lately.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> I was wondering something. Did you bring your emotions home from your affair?
> 
> And what I mean, is if things were going really well with your OM/OW would you be happy and in a good mood, and that you would carry that home? Treating your spouse better than normal, and just generally much happier than normal?
> 
> ...


Mine was a stupid, drunken revenge affair. Two borderline alcoholics each with a ton of issues who were brought together because they were StarTrek nerds. My wife hates StarTrek, so I watched StarTrek Voyager with a mutual female friend which was the slippery slope.

After it started to get physical I immediately realised how badly I was messing up and I confessed all to my wife.

When she asked me if it was a revenge affair I denied it, deciding instead to take full responsibility for my own stupid actions. 

I went no contact. Even though that wasn't a concept I was actually aware of.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

-Molly- said:


> hmmm....ok. He had to take a work trip out of town a few weeks back. Ever since, he's been in such a good mood, it's not normal for him. (He normally swings up and down. but he's been steadily happy. he even said "thank you" to me for cooking him supper yesterday. It's been years since he thanked me. So this is really abnormal behaviour.)


So in other words for him to be nice enough to give you the common courtesy of thanking you for a nice meal for the first time in years he has has to be screwing someone else. 

Nice :-O

Let me simply this for you - he is a bad person and will also do bad, hurtful and destructive things.

He is very trustworthy in that. You can traits and have full faith that he will always lie, cheat, steal, decieve and God knows what all else.

He is a bad person. What more do you need to get that and to get yourself away from that?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

When a souse starts an affair, something in his/her life changes and the other spouse can actually determine that there is a new affair. 

I would imagine that they take emotions home.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Often when the BS gets the timeline of the affair, they have been able to correlate the mood of their WS to how things were going in the affair. When things were good, it wasn't unusual for the BS to say things were great at home and they were having great sex. When the WS got dumped, the sex at home stopped and the BS was sad and grumpy. So from the BS side, it does seem like the cheater's mood did carry over into their married home life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This is not a very wayward-friendly site and if an occasional WS does post here they get beaten up pretty bad so you probably won't get much first-hand experiences from WS's here.


This place is hard on non-repentant or defiant waywards. There are plenty of waywards who post on here who are contrite and they are well respected. Some who come here wishing to change and most of us spend lots of time posting with them trying to help them change. 

The places doesn't suffer fools gladly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dear lady why do you waste so much time trying to figure out someone who care so little for you when you could spend just as much energy trying to find someone who does. 

Your husband is not the path to your happiness!


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Thank you all for your concern and advice!

First of all, in regards to my original post "Do they bring the emotions home?" I think in my Husbands case, the answer is Yes! (Had I known I would have gotten my proof via textnow, I guess I didn't even need to make this post) He has been on cloud 9, because he does in fact have another woman. I was able to download Textnow onto my phone, and am receiving his text messages onto my phone. He is texting with a woman called "B" same area code as the city he went to recently, so without actual evidence yet, I think it's safe to say he went to visit her.

(I also had a friend from the States (I'm in Canada) call the number to verify, yes, it's a woman. I didn't want to call myself with the same area code as her new "boyfriend" and raise suspicions with her. For those of you questioning why I was taking the time to figure out what he was upto, well...as much as I know this relationship is toxic for me, it would bother me if I left him on pure speculation (because I know he will be denying everything) and I don't want to be questioning myself in future if I did the right thing (was I over reacting etc.). I just needed to know.

Either way, I have to say, although I had my suspicions, to see it for real is a shock. I need to now go into exit planning mode now. I might have questions for you guys, or need advice.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow Molly, I am sorry your suspicions were correct. But in all honesty, you had MORE than enough reasons to leave him anyway, I guess infidelity is just a solid nail in the coffin for you. He has been a terrible partner to you. (as in, he ISNT a partner) Good for you for digging and finding the truth!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sometimes you have to let them crash their way...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I wanted to add, make sure you save your proof!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Molly, if you are afraid of "proof" being disappeared by your husband, start taking pics/copies of everything and make sure you have copies out of the house.
Do you have the funds to get a PI to watch him? You should be able to get all the proof you need if he is pulling crap like this.

Also, you should get with a lawyer to understand your rights/finances. If HE is hiding money, you will need a forensic accountant if you get divorced.

Very sorry he is treating you like this.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Molly, if you are afraid of "proof" being disappeared by your husband, start taking pics/copies of everything and make sure you have copies out of the house.
> Do you have the funds to get a PI to watch him? You should be able to get all the proof you need if he is pulling crap like this.
> 
> Also, you should get with a lawyer to understand your rights/finances. If HE is hiding money, you will need a forensic accountant if you get divorced.
> ...


Ok. Thank you. I have saved some evidence, and that's one of the reasons I want to wait on telling him. I am today going through and gathering my evidence in regards to the money.And I have been taking screenshots of the other evidence I found, and also screenshots of the text messages, just in case they disappear or something.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> Ok. Thank you. I have saved some evidence, and that's one of the reasons I want to wait on telling him. I am today going through and gathering my evidence in regards to the money.And I have been taking screenshots of the other evidence I found, and also screenshots of the text messages, just in case they disappear or something.


I know this is incredibly hard keeping yourself together, you are doing awesome!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What is the nature of the texts between them? Is it mundane stuff that he can explain as something else? Or is it clear they are having an affair?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Molly, if you know your husband is hiding money, when he is out the house you need to get into your financial files and see if you can find bank/account numbers, etc.. This will probably be very useful to you in the future. Grab copies/pics of your tax returns, etc. -- any financial document you think you may need.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Molly, if you know your husband is hiding money, when he is out the house you need to get into your financial files and see if you can find bank/account numbers, etc.. This will probably be very useful to you in the future. Grab copies/pics of your tax returns, etc. -- any financial document you think you may need.


This is why the good Lord invented forensic accountants. 

Institute of Certified Forensic Accountants | Welcome to Forensic Global


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> I know this is incredibly hard keeping yourself together, you are doing awesome!


Thank you. I appreciate the support. yes, it's extremely hard. i am trying my best, I think he can tell something is wrong though...so I need to try harder. I just have a hard time even looking at him. 1 more day I need to pretend, I can do this!!



wilson said:


> What is the nature of the texts between them? Is it mundane stuff that he can explain as something else? Or is it clear they are having an affair?


No, it's clear they are in a relationship. I am hoping to see a Lawyer tomorrow, I really hope someone can see me on such short notice, because I can show my evidence to see if it's enough in a lawyer's eyes. Because I got my evidence by using his account without his permission, i hope they don't tell me it wouldn't be admissable in court, but I mean, what "cheater" is going to give permission for his spouse to access his accounts?? I just have to wait and see...



jlg07 said:


> Molly, if you know your husband is hiding money, when he is out the house you need to get into your financial files and see if you can find bank/account numbers, etc.. This will probably be very useful to you in the future. Grab copies/pics of your tax returns, etc. -- any financial document you think you may need.


I will absolutely do that. I actually have a copy of his direct deposit form for his secret account. That's how I found out about in the first place. He stupidly left a box of papers in the garbage bin that dumped everywhere, as I was picking up all the papers, I stumbled accross it. Thank goodness.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Molly you don’t need to show a lawyer any proof of him cheating, there really isn’t a need unless your state allows you to file on grounds of infidelity. Most states don’t, most are no fault. 

You are going to rock his world, I’m sure he doesn’t think you’d actually divorce him. Ha! He’s had this coming for a long time. You are being so brave, and know you have lots of people here you’ve never met supporting you!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Molly you don’t need to show a lawyer any proof of him cheating, there really isn’t a need unless your state allows you to file on grounds of infidelity. Most states don’t, most are no fault.
> 
> You are going to rock his world, I’m sure he doesn’t think you’d actually divorce him. Ha! He’s had this coming for a long time. You are being so brave, and know you have lots of people here you’ve never met supporting you!
> 
> ...


I live in Canada, where we can file based on infidelity. And in my province, they don't even had to have sex for it to be considered infidelity! :grin2: Honestly, I thought about just filing separation, and forcing him to do the divorce if he ever wanted to remarry or something...just to make it hard on him. But I feel justice will be served if I divorce him based on infidelity. Once it's filed it will only take 30 days. And supposedly I will be entitled to alimony payments, which honestly I don't really care about, except to make his life more miserable. Because it will anger him if he has to pay me, I know this. :laugh: I feel like right now, as hurt and upset as I am, I am also feeling very spiteful.


Guess what? they are planning some sort of get away, they have been discussing hotel rooms and pricing. I don't know if I would be brave enough....but imagine if I busted in on their hotel stay! Snap a picture, and tell him when he gets home to pick up his things. I don't think she knows he's married, because there has been no mention of this. I am also tempted once I tell him I know, to give her a little phone call and tell her that he "was" married. If she honestly doesn't know, I hold no ill feelings towards her, so I would feel bad rocking her world, but then I can guarantee she will be better off without him too.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yay for Canada, hah! I get you feeling spiteful, who wouldn’t! How soon is this little trip they are planning? I’m just curious how long you’d have to hold all this in, if you did decide to go and bust him. I love that you get to see all of this as it unfolds. ( then again I don’t because I know how much this hurts)

Take him for everything you can. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> Guess what? they are planning some sort of get away, they have been discussing hotel rooms and pricing. I don't know if I would be brave enough....but imagine if I busted in on their hotel stay! Snap a picture, and tell him when he gets home to pick up his things.


That sounds like a perfect opportunity to get the evidence you need for an adultery case without having to worry about the legality of the text messages. Hire a private investigator to get photos of them at the hotel and when they're doing stuff in the city. Since it sounds like you're getting lots of details about the trip, it shouldn't be too difficult for the PI to stake them out.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yay for Canada, hah! I get you feeling spiteful, who wouldn’t! How soon is this little trip they are planning? I’m just curious how long you’d have to hold all this in, if you did decide to go and bust him. I love that you get to see all of this as it unfolds. ( then again I don’t because I know how much this hurts)
> 
> Take him for everything you can.
> 
> ...


The date is not something that has been discussed on the text messages. They do alot of talking on the phone, only text when he is home or not able to talk. So they obviously discussed this on the phone. but maybe later on there will be some mention in the texts. but if lawyer says what I have is enough, then I won't be waiting for their trip to happen, because I just can't wait that long, it's too hard. :frown2:




wilson said:


> That sounds like a perfect opportunity to get the evidence you need for an adultery case without having to worry about the legality of the text messages. Hire a private investigator to get photos of them at the hotel and when they're doing stuff in the city. Since it sounds like you're getting lots of details about the trip, it shouldn't be too difficult for the PI to stake them out.


That actually might be a good idea if my current evidence isn't enough. I will wait and see...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If they go away, and you really need more proof, get a PI on them where they go -- they can get pics, etc. and then you will be good for the D.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Could you get a PI to do the dirty work trip stuff for you? Cross post!

Perhaps, I should curse him with itch-all-over disease after his rendezvous?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

OW knows he's married. He is hiding it from you, which means he isn't available. Any woman who is with a married man knows he's married within a short time. They say they didn't know, but they are lying.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> We have lost a lot of former waywards on this site so pickins might be slim for your thread.


Lost? Or chased off?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

-Molly- said:


> I was wondering something. Did you bring your emotions home from your affair?


Absolutely. A lot of people who have affairs are good at compartmentalization, but that doesn't mean that the person's mood will change walking between Compartment A and Compartment B.



-Molly- said:


> And what I mean, is if things were going really well with your OM/OW would you be happy and in a good mood, and that you would carry that home? Treating your spouse better than normal, and just generally much happier than normal?


Yes. After spending time with an AP I'd be happier in general. An afternoon with an AP, for example, made interaction with my exH much less annoying.



-Molly- said:


> And if things were going bad, you were having a fight or breaking up with OM/OW, would you also take that home and be in a bad mood, grumpy, not wanting to talk etc.?


Yes. Most people generally are a bit grumpy and silent when going through a break up. Even if they were ready for the relationship, casual or more serious, to end there is still some mourning.



-Molly- said:


> Also, if it was multiple partners (ex. someone to sleep with, but not an actual relationship) would this apply if you were "in between" affairs?


Yes. Even if it was just sex you still miss the sex.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Lost? Or chased off?


I think some of them just got on with their lives. Posting on the infidelity forum causes triggers under the best of circumstances.

Some BS's got banned who were good posters and their WS's eventually petered out.

Some certainly got enough vinegar and split.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Lost? Or chased off?


Also, some had behaved in such a truly vile manner as to defy any real learning or understanding and just needed to live with what they had done to their families in whatever peace they could away from a forum that left little wiggle room.

I definitely think some are better off getting mental health help from professionals.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Also, some had behaved in such a truly vile manner as to defy any real learning or understanding and just needed to live with what they had done to their families in whatever peace they could away from a forum that left little wiggle room.
> 
> I definitely think some are better off getting mental health help from professionals.


Anyone know what happened to dragley?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I think some of them just got on with their lives. Posting on the infidelity forum causes triggers under the best of circumstances.
> 
> Some BS's got banned who were good posters and their WS's eventually petered out.
> 
> Some certainly got enough vinegar and split.


And some BSs got into trouble for defending their FWSs against vile attacks from numpties on the site.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> OW knows he's married. He is hiding it from you, which means he isn't available. Any woman who is with a married man knows he's married within a short time. They say they didn't know, but they are lying.


You are right. They have made mention of "in-laws" in their texts. no mention of me specifically. But, that tells me that she for sure knows he's married.


UPDATE for everyone:

I consulted a lawyer, and honestly it's going to be too expensive for me to file for Divorce. So separation it is (via not living together) because to legally file for separation will cost me $3000 and the lawyer says all it does is protect any interests I may have in fighting for assets. We don't have any assets I will be fighting for, and there are no kids involved. So I simply have to kick him out and after 1 year of living apart, divorce can be filed for, I think without even needing a lawyer. But I am not worried about that right now, that's future considerations.

Right now, I just want him gone and to tell him he's been caught. I have read threads on here, where the person discovered their spouse was cheating, and had to wait "x" number of days before confronting them. I had no idea the mental strain that causes! I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I absolutely cannot take anymore.

He is gone now, left today for out of town work until the end of the week. So I already started packing his things this morning. He will not be sleeping another night here.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I think some of them just got on with their lives. Posting on the infidelity forum causes triggers under the best of circumstances.
> 
> Some BS's got banned who were good posters and their WS's eventually petered out.
> 
> *Some certainly got enough vinegar and split*.


Never enough for the WS that come here.
Tolerance from me lvl .01


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> Never enough for the WS that come here.
> Tolerance from me lvl .01


 @red oak, do you get a lot of this?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> You are right. They have made mention of "in-laws" in their texts. no mention of me specifically. But, that tells me that she for sure knows he's married.
> 
> 
> UPDATE for everyone:
> ...


Good for you!

Maybe consult another attorney, they dont all have the same fee structure. You can always file on your own as well. I would suggest when you confront your H that you let him know that you are DONE and want a divorce anyway. You dont want to come at him with only separation or he will take that to mean you are leaving that door open. Has there been any mention between them about meeting up on his work trip?

You are a strong woman Molly, I know how hard this is and you are doing awesome.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sorry you have to take this step, but I'm glad to hear the strength in your conviction. It may be rough for a bit, but you'll get through it in no time.

My advice on how to break the news is to do it in a way that he'll be more compliant. Although it might feel more satisfying in the moment to drop the bomb and say you want a divorce, he might be shocked in a way that will make him immediately defensive and cause him to act out in ways that will make it hard for you. Not that I mean he'll get physical, but that he might be vindictive or argumentative and make things hard for you.

What I would recommend is packing up some of his clothes and personal items and moving them into a hotel the day before he comes back. Text him when he's leaving that other city and tell him you know what's going on and that you can't have him staying at the house right now. Tell him you need some space and that you've gotten him a room at that hotel and you put some of his things there. He may say he wants to go to the house, but tell him you need some time to clear your head and that if he cares about you he'll stay at the hotel so you can think. Don't talk to him on the phone as it will be easy to get engaged in arguments. Don't get involved in a lot of texting back and forth. This is all to get him to go along with what *you* want. Once he's at the hotel for a day or so, tell him you've realized you can't stay married and you want to separate. This way he gets eased into the situation and is less likely to lash out.

Get the locks changed and the garage door code changed. Legally he still has rights to the house, but at least he won't be able to get back in right away.

One other thing is to look into getting a voice-activated-recorder and keep it on you at all times. It will be useful to have a record of anything he says to you. Try to keep all communication through text/email so you have a record of that as well. If you talk on the phone, get an app that records the phone call. 

Do you have any family or close friends nearby? Lean on them as much as you need. It might also be good to have someone at the house with for moral support on the day he's supposed to return. And, of course, there's all of us here rooting for you!

Most importantly: DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! Don't say you have access to his texts. Just say you know about his affair with Soandso. He will likely start texting her like mad after you break the news and you'll get plenty more info that way.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> @red oak, do you get a lot of this?


Not sure what you mean.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> Not sure what you mean.


You are, literally, the ONLY poster who admits to cheating who does not seem to get railed on here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> You are, literally, the ONLY poster who admits to cheating who does not seem to get railed on here.


Nope, me too. Not sure why, but probably because it was 21 years ago, I havent done it since, and i didnt screw over my ex in our divorce. I own my actions. The experience gives me perspective from both sides, having both been the cheater and the cheated on.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> You are, literally, the ONLY poster who admits to cheating who does not seem to get railed on here.


Wow.
Maybe its like @3Xnocharm said above.
We were both at fault. By not divorcing her very early on I forced myself into a corner I had to fight out of.
Perhaps in a way, by not doing what I knew should be done I had a little more blame.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Good for you!
> 
> Maybe consult another attorney, they dont all have the same fee structure. You can always file on your own as well. I would suggest when you confront your H that you let him know that you are DONE and want a divorce anyway. You dont want to come at him with only separation or he will take that to mean you are leaving that door open. Has there been any mention between them about meeting up on his work trip?
> 
> You are a strong woman Molly, I know how hard this is and you are doing awesome.


Thank you. And no, they won't be meeting up, he is very far away and she is working. maybe their little getaway is for this weekend coming up, it's a long weekend for us. but he will be out of the house by then, so I have to learn to not care what he does after that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are too kind, I wouldn’t pack a thing. Throw his stuff out the bedroom window and make a nice pile. Perhaps have a bonfire, if it were not breaking the law. 😡


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

-Molly- said:


> I consulted a lawyer, and honestly it's going to be too expensive for me to file for Divorce. So separation it is (via not living together) because to legally file for separation will cost me $3000 and the lawyer says all it does is protect any interests I may have in fighting for assets. We don't have any assets I will be fighting for, and there are no kids involved. So I simply have to kick him out and after 1 year of living apart, divorce can be filed for, I think without even needing a lawyer. But I am not worried about that right now, that's future considerations.


In my state, without assets and with kids, I filed uncontested divorce for the grand total of about $300, including parking fees. 

If your STBXH will agree to the divorce you may be able to do it very low cost. Here, you just go to the county website, pay a small fee of $20, fill in the papers, download them, and print. You can pay the filing fee and file online or in person at the courthouse. There are clear instructions and if you get stuck you can call a clerk to ask for clarification. 

If your state requires 1 year separation before filing for the divorce you can look for a service to help you prepare those papers for a low fee. Typically, paralegals are experienced and charge much less than lawyers. There are also usually volunteer organizations and services provided at local law schools by students being overseen by qualified staff who will help for a small fee. Google your county name and legal help/legal aid.

My state requires 1 year separation if there are kids involved. I couldn't afford a lawyer and didn't know I could file my own then, so we simply lived separately. By the time I found out I could file for divorce In Pro Per (myself, unrepresented by a lawyer), it had been about 2 years since I left and I filed right away. The process was surprisingly easy and the local courthouse staff very helpful.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have filed legal separation papers In Pro Per immediately to protect myself from any debt or other legal liabilities my ex might cause and then filed for the divorce as soon as I was legally able.



NobodySpecial said:


> You are, literally, the ONLY poster who admits to cheating who does not seem to get railed on here.


I've taken a few jabs over time, but overall most folks here have been at least civil.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My divorce from my second H cost me $600 to retain the attorney and file. It was uncontested, (we had nothing as far as assets or kids) my ex never even acknowledged being served or anything. I got divorced without so much as a signature from him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> My divorce from my second H cost me $600 to retain the attorney and file. It was uncontested, (we had nothing as far as assets or kids) my ex never even acknowledged being served or anything. I got divorced without so much as a signature from him.


My state will also finalize a divorce without the consent of the other party as long as the proof of service is on file with the court. If the other spouse doesn't show the divorce goes on. However, it takes longer. Since my ex was cooperative and both signed the divorce papers and appeared in court at the first hearing, my divorce was finalized in 3 months. If he'd been unwilling to sign or appear in court, it would have taken 6-9 months.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Hello everyone. I am sorry, I have not posted since March 12. I wanted to at least post the "ending" to this thread. I logged in a few times, with the attempt to post, but I was just too much of an emotional mess to type any words.

So... UPDATE

On March 13, the day after my last post. I did it. I went into their actual chat, because I figured that way, the evidence is right there, they can't deny anything. I went on, and told my husband that he was not sleeping another night in the house, and that he could come collect his things when he got back from his work trip. The OW was gob smacked, she tried to deny everything and I simply said, there is no need to lie, I have seen everything. Then i said a couple examples of things I knew, and that immediately shut her up. My husband must have been working, because he did not enter the chat (and he had not been chatting with her prior) so his surprise when he got back to his hotel room from working, would have been to read the conversation between me and his girlfriend!! I tell you, it was a great feeling!

However, then the emotional roller coaster came crashing down. My Husband when he came to get his things, was so emotionally wrecked, it literally tore my heart apart. I had to keep reminding myself of what he had done. i honestly never expected him to react like that because of the way he had been with me prior. He has since tried to make "light" of the situation, calling it a "few raunchy texts" and that it shouldn't destroy our marriage, and I did not allow him to make light of it. I stood my ground, because it was way more than a few raunchy texts. they were in a relationship. So still, to this day, he has not fully admitted to everything. 

So he has had a rough time of it. Even sleeping in his truck one night. He says he is broke, and depressed. But I will remain strong, as much as it does hurt me to see him like that, I know in time, things will get better for both of us, so I am just trying to stay strong everyday. I never, ever imagined how hard this was going to be.

So that's my ending. We are separated, and both of us need healing time. Because i still love him, I will try and support him emotionally and am open to discussing things for the sake of closure. I think it's healthy and will allow us to move on with our lives, rather than once again, sweeping things under the carpet, and living the rest of our lives with unsaid things and loose ends. So, although I am still hurting and still have anger about the situation, and have no plans of being with him again in a marriage, I will allow myself to be there for him if he needs anything. it's not so easy to just shut someone out of your life, when we have spent literally half our lives together.

I really want to thank you guys for giving me advice, and for the quick help when I had asked about the textnow app, which allowed me to finally put an end to this. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have gotten this far.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I know this is your "ending" but I want to point out one thing.

Cheaters lie.

So don't assume what he is telling you is the truth.

It is just as and probably more possible he is emotionally broken because he is not getting what he wants. Not getting his own way, which would be you and his affair. That he is losing his security and losing financially. It may have nothing to do with you or at least your feelings. 

Lot's of people make the mistake to think that cheater's thinking and motivations are the same as theirs are. Just by the fact that they are able to cheat you should know they are not. They don't think like we do. 

My advice is to not waste time. If he really loved you (in the way love is meant to be) he would have never cheated on you in the first place. He fired you, it's not your role anymore to provide for his healing or closure.

Life is short.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sorry you're going through this, but I'm certain that your future will be better because of the decision you made. It's totally understandable you still feel sympathetic towards him. But keep in mind that the hardship he's experiencing is part of the process he needs to become a better person. This pain is what will make him think twice about doing this to someone else. If he gets off easy, then he won't experience a behavioral and moral transformation that turns him away from cheating permanently. If he needs moral support, he should turn to his friends and family instead of you. If you support him, then he will think he can cheat on people and they'll still be there for him. He needs to really take the lesson to heart that if you cheat on someone even once, you lose that person forever.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow Molly you’re doing amazing! However I’m in agreement with sokillme and wilson. You need to NOT be his support. Screw him and his feelings. HE did this to himself and to you, HE made this bed he now needs to lie in. He’s only sorry he got caught. He needs to turn elsewhere for his ridiculous “emotional support.” He will only suck you dry if you allow him to lean on you. I hope he is staying elsewhere. 

Great job on your sleuthing and on your reveal! Seriously amazing and brave. 





Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

All valid points! I actually read these yesterday, but I didn't respond right away because i was thinking about it. I think I will distance myself more (and yes, he is not sleeping here, he's out of the house) I think by my actions/empathy towards him, I could very well be giving him mixed signals about our "relationship" and giving him false hope. I need to work on keeping myself in the right frame of mind, and look out for myself. I am no longer living my life for 2 people, it's only me now!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He doesn't want a divorce so, yes, be very careful of the signals you send him because he will keep trying to convince you it was nothing. If you aren't firm in your convictions one day you might buy his bs and try again. That wouldn't be wise.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good I’m glad to hear that! It’s all Molly from here on!

Honestly, I think your actions (being supportive) are seen by him as weakness, and he would play you big time and eventually screw you over if you insist on being there for him. As I said, he’s only sorry he got caught. He wouldn’t have been screwing someone else if he truly valued you and wanted to be with you. 

Do not allow him to take advantage at any angle, emotional or legal. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" I will try and support him emotionally and am open to discussing things for the sake of closure. I think it's healthy and will allow us to move on with our lives, rather than once again, sweeping things under the carpet, and living the rest of our lives with unsaid things and loose ends. So, although I am still hurting and still have anger about the situation, and have no plans of being with him again in a marriage, I will allow myself to be there for him if he needs anything. "

Molly, PLEASE be careful with this. Cheaters lie and you may not be getting a "real" story from him. He may be trying to manipulate you emotionally. Yes, I know its tough to dis-associate yourself, but you ARE doing that with the Divorce. Start NOW so that YOU can detach -- it is for your mental and emotional health at this point.

Also, he gave up the right to have you as an emotional support by cheating on you.
I hope you kept a copy of the texts with the OW.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Also, he gave up the right to have you as an emotional support by cheating on you.
> 
> I hope you kept a copy of the texts with the OW.



Yep. He fired you as his wife. If you got fired from a job, would you keep going back to help them out for free because they still needed help after letting you go? Of course you wouldn’t. Same logic applies here. 




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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Thanks everyone. I am reading and listening to your advice. You guys already steered me right, so I trust what you say. I have really distanced myself.

I also, since my last post have qualified for legal aid, since I have no money and will be pursuing for separation /divorce and alimony. I just have to wait for my package to arrive in the mail then I can find a lawyer that will take me.

So, I guess that will definitely show him I am serious.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Great news, Molly! Making progress!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Glad to see that you wised up re: all the “supporting him emotionally” BS. It would’ve been a terrible idea, and would’ve resulted in little more than unnecessarily prolonging both your attachment and your agony.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Ok, this post is probably going to be all over the place, but that's how my emotions are right now. I think I just need to vent, it helps me to write this out, since I have nobody I can really tell this to that would understand the way you guys would.

I am feeling betrayed by my mom, and maybe even a bit angry towards her. Remember I told you guys that my Husbands vehicle is at my parents house because it is apart and he's fixing it? Well, I guess first of all, I am living at my parents right now since I have no money. So, he is coming this weekend to work on his vehicle. So, of course my mom wants to cook him supper and she's all concerned about him. I feel angry and betrayed because it's like she's acting as if nothing's happened. He had an affair on me! It's only been a few weeks, but Oh, poor him, he'll be working all day and needs something to eat. He has been complaining he's broke, so she wants to give him all this canned food from the pantry. I put my foot down on that and said mom, I have no money, he has money. I will take the food. 

And I absolutely, cannot understand, how he is "broke"! He has had 3 full paychecks since being kicked out, and is not paying rent right now because someone is putting him up for free. Tell me, how he is spending his paychecks, and can't afford to get a place to rent on his own?? 

And my brother, who lives in another province, has been planning a trip with my husband for over a year. He is coming out in June for this trip. I told my brother we are separated, but at the time, because it was only 2 days after kicking my husband out that I talked to my brother, I didn't tell him the truth about why because it was all too fresh. i know if I asked my brother not to do this trip, he would agree, but I am not saying anything because he's been looking forward to it and is even bringing my nephew along who is also so excited about it. But now my mom keeps going on about this trip, and we need to talk to my husband about details and he needs to take time off work, etc, etc, etc. It's driving me crazy!!

It just feels like, the whole situation is being ignored, and let's be so nice to my husband and treat him extra special. And I don't say too much, because I feel like I also have to be considerate to my mom's feelings...she has lost a son in law in this mess. But, it's just aggravating how she's acting. But it is also the way she is. If the neighbor went and murdered 10 people, she would probably feel sorry for him being in prison and bring him bedding, and meals. It's just the way she is.

I know I have to get used to seeing my husband, but I just don't know how I feel. He had to come twice last week to get some things, and there is more stuff that when he eventually saves enough money (???) to get his own apartment that he will need to come and get. But I am really not in the mood for some sit down supper and pretending nothing is wrong. ARGGGHH!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's time to update your brother on your status. Tell him what really happened and ask him to cancel the trip. (Why would you twist yourself into a pretzel over this when the issues you are dealing with are so fundamental and serious? Ask your brother to have your back.)


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

alte Dame said:


> It's time to update your brother on your status. Tell him what really happened and ask him to cancel the trip. (Why would you twist yourself into a pretzel over this when the issues you are dealing with are so fundamental and serious? Ask your brother to have your back.)


Yes, I should. I know he will be more hurt too, the longer I keep it from him.  I never really thought about the family aspect until today. Maybe thats why I am reacting so much. I was just focused on myself. My husband has been apart of their lives also for over 20 years, so it affects them, and these are new emotions and things to consider for me.

I did finally talk to my mom though about the supper, saying I may not take part. I will see how I am feeling tomorrow. It surprised her that I said that. But I explained it and she understood.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I did finally talk to my mom though about the supper, saying I may not take part. I will see how I am feeling tomorrow. It surprised her that I said that. But I explained it and she understood."

I would tell you mother in no uncertain terms that if he stays for dinner, you will go out. Why should you have to be subjected to him after what he did to you? Why is she so concerned for him and NOT you? Doesn't make sense.
He is probably feeding her a major bs story to manipulate things to his favor.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

-Molly- said:


> Ok, this post is probably going to be all over the place, but that's how my emotions are right now. I think I just need to vent, it helps me to write this out, since I have nobody I can really tell this to that would understand the way you guys would.
> 
> I am feeling betrayed by my mom, and maybe even a bit angry towards her. Remember I told you guys that my Husbands vehicle is at my parents house because it is apart and he's fixing it? Well, I guess first of all, I am living at my parents right now since I have no money. So, he is coming this weekend to work on his vehicle. So, of course my mom wants to cook him supper and she's all concerned about him. I feel angry and betrayed because it's like she's acting as if nothing's happened. He had an affair on me! It's only been a few weeks, but Oh, poor him, he'll be working all day and needs something to eat. He has been complaining he's broke, so she wants to give him all this canned food from the pantry. I put my foot down on that and said mom, I have no money, he has money. I will take the food.
> 
> ...


You need to have a (very) frank conversation with your family.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If your STBX is so broke, he has ZERO business going on any trips. Time to have a come to Jesus meeting with your family about him. Let them know he is not to be included in anything going forward, or you will not be around any more. They should be more supportive of you, because he is a piece of crap.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

yea, I think my mom is falling for his story about how hard life is now, and having no money. (I mean, life probably is harder since he has to do everything for himself now! 🤦*♀) But I keep telling her he is obviously mismanaging his money! There is just absolutely no way he is broke. Since hes left, he should have over $6400! The apartment he is planning to rent is $700 + $700 for deposit. hes still 'saving' up 🤔 and my Mom feels so bad for him, he had to go to the laundromat, he was complaining how expensive. She almost offered to do his laundry, except I saw her opening her mouth and I stopped her.

She ended up giving him food, hes lost weight...he says groceries are too expensive, so he hasnt been eating much.

oh yea, he is really laying on the sob story!! I have been trying to talk to my mom, I will keep at it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> he had to go to the laundromat, he was complaining how expensive. She almost offered to do his laundry, except I saw her opening her mouth and I stopped her.
> 
> She ended up giving him food, hes lost weight...he says groceries are too expensive, so he hasnt been eating much.
> 
> oh yea, he is really laying on the sob story!! I have been trying to talk to my mom, I will keep at it.


Wow, he is beyond pathetic. Remind mom of the fact that he is an adulterer and how easily he betrayed you for so long! If someone did that to MY daughter, you can bet they would have hell to pay! You may need to have a not so friendly chat with the STBX as well, telling him the parents are OFF LIMITS.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

-Molly- said:


> yoh yea, he is really laying on the sob story!! I have been trying to talk to my mom, I will keep at it.


 I'm getting the impression that you haven't really laid it on the line with your mother. It sounds as though she thinks you're likely to get back together with this D-bag and that you're only living there temporarily until you're back together. And I think she's getting that impression from you.

You need to sit her down and tell her *like it IS*. You sound very, very passive and I think she simply doesn't take you seriously.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

-Molly- said:


> I was wondering something. Did you bring your emotions home from your affair?
> 
> And what I mean, is if things were going really well with your OM/OW would you be happy and in a good mood, and that you would carry that home? Treating your spouse better than normal, and just generally much happier than normal?
> 
> ...


I really can't speak from experience, but will I will share my thoughts.

I think that for each couple things are different. I also think that there are many kinds of affairs. 

There is the Jimmy Carter type of affair where he "lusted in his heart" for another woman, but did nothing physical. Another kind of affair is to go to a strip club and get a lap-dance, but keep it in your pants. Similarly, there are happy ending massages. Then there are drunken one-night stands, with no real long term emotional commitment. At the other extreme is a real romantic affair with emotional bonding and lots of time together ......and then there is a romantic affair with physical sex. In the last two kinds, from what I have read, often people sabotage their marriage so that the affair become public and they have to make a choice. All of these are affairs and violations of trust and the marriage.

Some affairs may or may not be forgivable, it all depends on what the couple wants to do. More importantly, it depends on whether one partner is willing to give up the thrill of the slippery slope they are on.

Good luck to you. You H sounds like he really isn't trustworthy and to me that is a huge problem that can only be cured by him making a huge change in his life and his respect for his marriage. 

If you want to end your marriage, tell him how happy you are that he is happy again, and that you really don't want to stand in the way of his happiness. Then ask him what has made him so happy and that whatever it is you are thrilled for him and wish him the best. He just might confess.


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## ecoylisa (Apr 12, 2019)

Thank you guys, this thread has been immensely helpful to me to understand the psyche of various motivations that might lead people to cheat


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

ecoylisa said:


> Thank you guys, this thread has been immensely helpful to me to understand the psyche of various motivations that might lead people to cheat


It's really pretty simple.
They have no virtue. 
They have no moral compass.
They are bit more narcissistic than most people.

How was your sex life before he cheated?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Molly, you have been through the mill and your mother is blind. If she insists he is at supper, you go to supper with all the evidence, lay it out and explain everything to your family, his secret chats with the OW, the planned trips etc. Tell your family that your are hurt and disappointed that they could take the word of a liar and cheater over your, see what happens. Embarrass all of them


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

When I cheated I was 6000 miles away from home, I felt great but I was not around my W. But, on one of my trips home somehow she had knowledge that I had gotten close to a fellow soldier. Instead of being angry, I guess she felt she had to out compete the AP. She had my pants down before my duffle bag even hit the floor. And she proceeded to spend most of the week I was home being a freak.


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## ecoylisa (Apr 12, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> It's really pretty simple.
> They have no virtue.
> They have no moral compass.
> They are bit more narcissistic than most people.
> ...


It was hardly present but on the occasions that we did have sex, it was very explosive and good. Almost like we were meeting for the first time on a bed


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

ecoylisa said:


> *It was hardly present* but on the occasions that we did have sex, it was very explosive and good. Almost like we were meeting for the first time on a bed


How often?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll answer as a WS but I'll also confess I did not read all 6 pages of responses... I absolutely brought the happy emotions home. The heightened affection, the sunnier disposition, I let all of that reflect and most will call BS on this but when I was with my wife I genuinely felt those things for her. I did not bring home negative feelings... I kept those buried so as not to have to answer questions about what was wrong.


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