# He said “ I need to find myself again” wth



## Looking4 (Oct 31, 2020)

Hi Guys,
I need your opinion. My husband is getting out of the military soon. We currently don’t live in the same state because I needed to come home for support. We agreed this was better because he was on deployment most of the year and didn’t want to leave me and out children there alone. For the past two weeks, he’s been distant. One day I didn’t hear from him all day or night. He end up texting me saying he got really drunk because he was” drinking his emotions away”. I understood and chalked it up to the stress of him getting out soon. Still... he was distant. The pst week, I’ve reached out to him. Not many calls, nor texts back. Mind you, we have kids. They usually talk to him everyday. 

Again, I’ve tried to be understanding. I know he’s depressed.Stressed about getting out, but not callingor texting to let me know he’s okay?!? I didn’t think that was fair. I told him this. We’ve traveled because of him being in the military, for many years, I was alone with our children. I was depressed, dealing with anxiety and on top of everything... him cheating. He doesn’t see the sacrifices I’ve made. I didn’t work because childcare was so expensive and we were already drowning in bills.
Last night he text me and said he doesn’t want to be bothered. He feels like he’s been carrying me throughout our marriage and he wants to find himself again.
My question is.. wth does that mean? He said he carried me throughout our marriage but we have children. We are married, isn’t that his responsibility as a husband and father? Mind you I put my life on hold to support him in his career. While I was home with our children, hes traveled the world, been to beautiful places, really experienced life... and he needs to find himself?
I’m honestly pissed because he’s so selfish and thinks everything is about him. Like wake up! I’ve been here too.. 

Anywho, am I wrong for feeling this way? I haven’t responded to him. What should I say?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That’s pretty a classic from the “I have someone else in mind” handbook in my opinion.
Let’s just say this: A man that lives a woman WANTS to talk to her regularly.

All I’m saying is that you need to get quiet and shift into detective mode. New behavior is due to different thinking.
And from what I understand, military guys that spend large amounts of time away from their spouse are prone to messing up.

Something is different. Find out what it is.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Since you are not around him, get a PI to watch him. I bet you won't really be surprised by what they find.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think the idea of a wife and family used to appeal to him because it was a part time thing. Now that his enlistment is ending he either is afraid or simply isn't interested in the day to day life of a husband and father.

The trick is figuring which it is. If he is afraid of being a day to day dad and husband, wondering how to love and cope and provide, there may be a chance to salvage things. If he flat out doesn't want to be in the role of full time husband and father it may be best to end the marriage. 

This is a big life change for all of you, I hope you seek counselling before making decisions. Also your husband needs to lay off the drinking, that just muddies up everything.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

@Looking4 you need to stay quiet. If he wants space by all means give it to him and find yourself a good divorce attorney. He's already cheated on you once, chances are he's doing it again. Let him wonder what you're up to for a change, let him miss his children. When he does contact, be cool and confident, don't even ask when he's coming home. He doesn't deserve a pass on his behavior just because he's under stress.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Looking4 said:


> He said he carried me throughout our marriage but we have children. We are married, isn’t that his responsibility as a husband and father?


He gets his needs met outside his marriage. Therefore, the "carry" .....



Looking4 said:


> He doesn’t see the sacrifices I’ve made.


What sacrifices ?? He sees you as getting everything you wanted in life, at his expense.


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## RnL (Oct 31, 2020)

Looking4 said:


> Anywho, am I wrong for feeling this way? I haven’t responded to him. What should I say?


Absolutely not. Marriage is two people sacrificing for each other. You seem to have made quite a few sacrifices. To me, it's almost like the marriage provided him with security while he was deployed. He had someone at home waiting for him, but he led a life like a single man. Now that he's coming home, he probably wants to continue to lead that life but now (for a lack of a better way of saying it) you're in the way.

The best thing to do (for you and your children) is just be honest with him. You need him to make a few sacrifices for the family as you have done for him. Best of luck.


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## Looking4 (Oct 31, 2020)

TJW said:


> He gets his needs met outside his marriage. Therefore, the "carry" .....
> 
> 
> 
> What sacrifices ?? He sees you as getting everything you wanted in life, at his expense.


I put my life on hold. I gave up school and my career to be home with our kids. Which he preferred. Mind you he was a “lifer” until he got in trouble for having a woman in his room in another country. Still.. I stayed.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Looking4 said:


> I put my life on hold. I gave up school and my career to be home with our kids. Which he preferred. Mind you he was a “lifer” until he got in trouble for having a woman in his room in another country. Still.. I stayed.


You need to start looking out for you and the kids. He is checking out of the marriage at the moment. I watched it happen a few times when I was in the Marines. Get a lawyer and know your rights. Sorry it has happened.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Looking4 said:


> and he wants to find himself again.


Its like the woman's "I love you but I'm in love with you" meaning "I'm f-ing somebody else".


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know a lot of military people have a real problem once they are out of that structure, and sometimes that means a temporary adjustment., But the truth is I think it changes them permanently in a lot of cases. 

I would give it maybe a couple of months for him to get reacclimated and I would just leave him alone during that period of time and see what he does what it's totally up to him. 

If he is still of the same mindset I just don't think you have a marriage anymore. He may just be a different person with different goals now. You'll need to get an attorney when the time comes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I doubt he’s only cheated once (and I’m speaking as a former military spouse). Long deployments gave him — as they do many others — a break from being married but now he’s about to start a new life and he may not be sure he wants it to be with you. So you need to focus on your new life too, starting now, because it may not benefit you to depend on him.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Looking4;

If he has not yet separated from the military there are lots of support opportunities you can take advantage of. If he has, there still may be some. The Gottmans Science of Love marriage counseling course use to have military discounts and they may still be available to you and your H.

Some form of counseling, even it from a religious clergyman would probably help you and your H sort out his changing life. He needs to figure out what is important to him, to you and if the two of you should remain together. 

Good luck.


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## Looking4 (Oct 31, 2020)

Thank you all for the advice and words of encouragement❤


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Looking4 said:


> I gave up school and my career to be home with our kids.


I'm sorry you made that awful mistake. It's now become part of the "carry". Your husband wants to be foot-loose and fancy-free.... I encourage you to allow him. Go to school and start your career. To hell with what "he preferred"....do what YOU prefer.



Openminded said:


> it may not benefit you to depend on him.


It categorically DOESN'T benefit anyone to depend on anyone else. Nobody. Not a husband, not a wife, not a family. Depend upon God, and upon yourself. Only.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

find a good attorney that specializes in military family law. There are some complications here that you need to jump on right away. The military does a pretty good job of making sure it's members pay child support and if needed, spousal support. 

But if that service member has separated from the service - not their problem. 

Does he have a decent job lined up when he gets out? 

Get a lawyer now and start getting your game plan in place.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Looking4 said:


> I put my life on hold. I gave up school and my career to be home with our kids. Which he preferred. Mind you he was a “lifer” until he got in trouble for having a woman in his room in another country. Still.. I stayed.


I am a retired soldier...

.............................................................................

That female in his room...
Often, it is another soldier, a woman.

There is so much pressure on women in the military to be _one-of-the guys_.
She is pressured to pick one, sleep with him.
Even if she is married.

If both are single, the military often looks the other way.

Not so, if one is married.
Then, both suffer discipline.

If this is the case, and not a female civilian in his room, he had to work_ very hard_ to get her in his bed.
The competition is fierce for this 'honor'.

And some of the other men will keep 'at her' to break her resolve. They want their share.

The military is aware of this and tries to keep it tamped down, but that is a daunting task, with all those taunting males.

Yes, some women in uniform enjoy this musical-bed arrangement.
Talk about feeling wanted..


_Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You do need to find yourself....
Yes.

Find yourself without him, happily divorced, soon to make yourself and some 'other' man...so happy.
Yes, again.

Unlucky now, lucky later.
Luck _can_ be some part of _your_ choosing.

Some lucky man will find you, and hold you tight against the elements, against the unpleasant parts of humanity.

Find your way free, find that 'keeper' of a man.
He is out there.
Umm. Such fun coming.



_Are Dee-_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Head down, eyes open. He's cheating.


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## Looking4 (Oct 31, 2020)

Hey Guys.. it's been awhile. Thought I would update everyone. My husband is out, I told him I wanted a divorce ( he was shocked). Because he was the bread winner, he tried to restrict the money in our account( I had some saved). I went back to school, got my associates, now I'm back going for my Bachelors! I'm so much happier and guess what... I got a job!! A good one at that! God has been working on me and for me this past year. Thanks everyone for your kind words. We're currently going through a divorce and I'M FINDING MYSELF.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That’s awesome! You were getting played and I’m impressed you are a strong enough person to take care of business and put him down the road. He stupidly thought you didn’t value yourself enough to step up. He was wrong. Did you find out he was cheating on you?  Usually that’s the case with “I need to find myself” people.


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## Looking4 (Oct 31, 2020)

I didn't find out but I mean, history only repeats itself. I had had enough of that roller coaster.


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