# Thinking of writing a letter to my ex husband



## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Hi Everyone,



This is a very long one but I'm needing some perspective and advice.



I've been on this forum awhile, a bit of background to save you reading past threads... My now ex-partner we had a legal separation late in 2018, we were never married but were together for around 20 years with two children, house etc... We got together as friends sharing a flat in our early 20s, but that very soon became sexual. It was always a very sexual relationship and every time one of us would house the other would follow. He would never share a bed or room with me though and for those early years would never kiss me, even during sex, but always came into my room in the morning for sex. There were times when I told him didn't want to anymore and he would tell me I didn't mean it, persuade and pressure me until I gave in. He would never hold my hand tell me I looked nice etc. We spent all of our time together and people presumed we were a couple but we had an odd and emotionally distant connection but with very frequent sex but only when he wanted it. We lead a very small life, he wasnt working, we met studying, he didn't see his friends and he lived through me and my friendships our lives really revolved around my work and study but we both really only had each other. We both had/have dysfunctional families.



I fell pregnant approx 3 years into this, we had just moved house so I could be closer to work. He was furious when he found out and slammed his bedroom door in my face and told me to deal with it. I came home one day and he told me he had found a one-bedroom flat for me to live in and he was leaving to go told to pick fruit. He actually said he would visit me in the hospital once the baby was born that I wouldn't see him he would just leave a toy. So he moved me in and then never left! He kept saying he was going but kept postponing it. I was alone but with a man that said he was going but didn't. I was having the baby knowing that I was a single parent. I just accepted this. The stressful part was waiting for him to leave. The only change was there was now only one bed so he shared a room and a bed with me.



So our son was born and he moved us into another place with two bedrooms. We were more as a couple then when our son was just over a year old he met a girl at work and two days later he was in love and leaving to follow her no matter where, he had to be with her, even if it meant leaving his child. I wanted him to be happy and I couldn't handle him crying pining after her so told him to go and he left the very next day and moved into her share house, but rang me every night telling me of his adventures with this girl and her friends while I took care of our so on my own. No family, no friends close by, and to make it more isolating before he met this girl we had just bought an old house in an isolated area. After being away for several months he wanted to come back but only if he could continue his special friendship with this girl. Which included nights away etc sharing a bed with her as he said that's just how they are. I said no. I saw a layer and we had a financial separation and I paid him out of the house and I moved on, stronger and happier. I have come to realize now that the weight of a relationship with someone that doesn't love you is like a stone weight, I was always worried someone would find out. I felt so much shame in this relationship. I loved him but I knew deep down that he didnt feel the same.



Fast forward a couple of years, he wanted to come back, he said realized that he loved me, wanted to be with me. I said no at first but he moved closer anyway. He invited me over, got dressed up and cooked meals, and took me out, we had great conversations as always. I felt romanced so we got back together and noticed in a matter of a week things shifted with him. It was slight but his focus on us dropped a little and he no longer looked at me that way or treated me like I was his special person. I felt tricked but our son was happy to have his dad and I wasn't going to ask him to leave even though it was only a week into him living with us again. We tried for another child that same year and I had losses that he didn't attend the hospital with me. I wanted to give our son a sibling. I was bereft but he didn't hold me or my hand. I felt lonelier than I ever had alone. 



4 years later we had a 3-year-old and our oldest child. He again told me he was leaving, he met someone and was in love. He apologized, but he was resentful of us as he couldn't be with her. He said he hadn't made up his mind yet but thought he was leaving. He didn't leave but it was only after I spoke to a friend and was telling her how he was deciding if he wanted to go or not so I was waiting for his decision. She turned to me and said you have a say in this too, what do you want? It didn't really occur to me that I had a decision to make as well. I told him this and it just seemed to resolve somehow. He got violent around this time. He choked me during a game of teatowel. I had accidentally caught him close to his face and it sent him into an awful rage chocking me. There was another time he pushed me hard in the back. While these are both awful he pretends that they never happened. He would tell me that if people really knew you you would be ostracised from the community. People would never speak to you. He was referring to the angry outbursts where I would be gardening and throw a shovel because the hole I was digging was too hard etc. I'm far from perfect but I have never hurt anyone physically but it would be hard to live with some that get angry like that. I would say what about you? You choaked me, he would say that didn't happen that was in your head.

I guess this kind of brings me close to the present day. In 2016 he became distant and again he was wanting a new life and yes he met someone (always much younger) he was leaving but said wanted to make sure there was a relationship to leave for first. During this time I caught him using ch at random to mastur bate with other people which included trying to take it offline to connect with on other platforms. He gave these people lots of personal details about us and or children including schools etc (I put a keylogger on our computer after I caught him) He blamed me but them turned i into him needing a social life and I wouldn't let him go out with women from work for drinks so he needsed a social outlet. It really messed with my head. I asked him to please stop and told him that if he was to continue using it we would be over. He continued secretly whenever I was out of the house and he was home alone. He was also openly telling me he was waiting to see if this connection at work would work out. Finally, I had enough and I forced him to leave. We divorced, where he tried to get the house or make sure I couldn't afford to pay him out. He is still bitter about the fact that the house was seen as mine when he moved in years ago when we financially separated on the same house years ago. So the amount that I had to pay him out was smaller than he wanted.



What he did for me was to support and encourage me in starting my own business, he was very encouraging and would help in many ways. I know he would talk proudly of me to work colleagues. He would always thank me for dinner, he did practical things for me. I realized that I find it really difficult to be really open, I'm not romantic. I spent periods of time being a bit shut off sexually, I didn't like parts of my body touched, and for a time I found it hard to kiss him. We always had sex though, 2-3 times a week at least. I am wanting to apologize for not being easy to live with. There were times I would get angry and throw something. Not at him but I would get rage. I realized that was an issue and I sort help for this when our second child was a baby. Once I understood why I was carrying deep anger the anger stopped. I was hard to live with I would raise my voice an get angry. I have realized that what I had been carrying for years could have been fixed years ago. It does make me wonder if I could have been more myself in my 20s. I want to apologize for my issues, for being angry and unapproachable and I want to say thank you for the things that he did. I also kept my own bank account that he didn't have access to and wasn't happy about. He asked to get back together after the divorce was final in 2019 and I said no. He felt that we still have a strong connection and maybe we could at least have a sexual relationship. I just laughed.





If you have read all of that then thank you! I feel it was something I had to put down but I'm also aware that a lot of it is my view on the past and seems quite negative. I'm asking for help I deciding this. What I want to say to him is thank you and that I appreciated everything that he did for me and to apologize for the things that I did. So do you think should write that letter? Or listen to my psychologist and not. She feels that I don't have anything to apologizes for. I shouldn't give a sorry letter. She calls it a sorry letter, but for me, I just want to own up to my side of it all. A side note is I'm single and very happy being so. He has re-partnered and I'm happy for him. He is still bitter about the house, divorce. I have no part of me that wants to disrupt his life but after spending time with someone recently that reminded me a lot of my past self I have had the urge to write a letter to apologize and own up to my faults in the relationship and to thank him for his support over the years we were together. I feel like he would appreciate this.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

He has re-partnered, listen to that inner voice that says "I have no part of me that wants to disrupt his life"... and let your actions match your words.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ummmmm ........ NO !!!!!

Just to make sure I have this clear .... You want to apologize to a loser who completely used you for sex and left you void of emotional fulfillment and also left you at your times of most need with your children????

What on gods earth are you thinking???


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

TLDR; from the topic subject, NO, just don’t.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> He has re-partnered, listen to that inner voice that says "I have no part of me that wants to disrupt his life"... and let your actions match your words.


I hear what you are saying. My thoughts were more along the lines of an acknowledgment and hopefully to ease his bitterness, not to start anything!


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Ummmmm ........ NO !!!!!
> 
> Just to make sure I have this clear .... You want to apologize to a loser who completely used you for sex and left you void of emotional fulfillment and also left you at your times of most need with your children????
> 
> What on gods earth are you thinking???


I was feeling less inclined after I spewed all of that out. I guess my gut instinct had been telling me to do it, so I want to make sure.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

[email protected] him and his bitterness!!!!
How about you honey ??? What are you some kind of angel ? The guy has treated you like a pet rock and you want to apologize to him??? Damn .... your a special kind of woman. The days of human slavery are over .... don’t you know ????


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Christ ... I feel like buying you a house because I feel bad for you.


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## Ridion (Apr 11, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What’s your reason in sending this letter? Sounds like you want to say thank you to him but does he deserve this thank you? What will you saying thank you to him do for YOUR healing? You’re a queen! And you’ve been through so much like me, in very similar ways but you’re self worth and confidence shows in this message. Which is okay! I’m no damn saint, my self worth and confidence is at an all time low recently BUT We need to work on that! Your ex husband simply doesn’t deserve a thank you. He doesn’t deserve your words. He’s yet to realise all his wrongdoings you can’t force him to get there. TILL he gets there you have no words for him regarding your divorce. It’s solely the kids. Saying thank you won’t change his thoughts/feelings towards you or the divorce. SAY THANK YOU TO YOURSELF. thank you for raising your beautiful children, thank you for being resilient, thank you for being consistent


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. Absolutely not. You were basically a FWB to him. You may have loved him but he didn’t love you. He’s a user and you’re a giver. What you need to focus on is why you allowed him to treat you the way he did for so many years. Don’t waste another moment thinking about that loser.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That wasn’t your gut telling you to write a letter — that was your heart. Emotions can lead you down the wrong path. Don’t ever trust your heart again with him. That doesn’t benefit you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I'd say that your admittedly dysfunctional family of origin led you to spend _far_ too much of your life in a_ seriously_ dysfunctional relationship. You two didn't just come from dysfunctional families, you built one of your own.

I'd also say that you should keep seeing that therapist of yours. Tell your therapist you want to work on your self-esteem. Then follow their guidance on how to do that. 

No one should think so little of themselves that they feel owe their sexually coercive, emotionally and physically abusive, serial cheating, ex-partner some sort of apology.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want to ease the bitterness of someone who’s unhappy that you got to keep the house — after all the **** he pulled? No. You need to stay away from him in every way and focus on becoming stronger so this never happens again. Because the world is full of users and they target people like you — just like he did.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He choked you and you want to thank him and apologize to him? NO!

Listen to your doctor.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m going to be really blunt about this. You know what you were to him? A body part. With maybe some financial benefit thrown in for good measure. That’s it.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> I fell pregnant approx 3 years into this, we had just moved house so I could be closer to work. He was furious when he found out and slammed his bedroom door in my face and told me to deal with it.


“How dare my semen fertilize your egg like it’s suppose to after I purposely shot it into you... the nerve!” /sarcasm

Seriously though, don’t send it. Just burn it. Find a relax place to have a little fire pit and throw it in. I’ve done this a lot. It helps to get the feelings out from a therapeutic standpoint. Sending it will only make things messy.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

m.t.t said:


> I hear what you are saying. My thoughts were more along the lines of an acknowledgment and hopefully to ease his bitterness, not to start anything!


Think of it as once sent, you have lost all quality control of the action.

At least in your heart you can still know the good you meant and let him absolve on his terms.

Wish him peace and let him fully go... that much is in your control of self-love.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If you send that letter you may just as well invite him to move back in and give him access to your bank account. Please have more respect for yourself. You sound like a nice person. Continue therapy and find someone who will love you for you. This guy is nothing but a leach. Don't let him keep sucking out your very soul. You'll have none left to share with someone else.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@m.t.t , 

Here's the thing: the action of gathering paper, finding a pen, putting pen to paper and physically writing out what is on your heart is a way of releasing that emotional energy. So the actual, physical act of writing the letter may be a good idea. Rather than typing it out, get a pen and some lined paper and write it...and cry it all out as you write it. Release the energy that is within you--let it flow out your arm. The act of "writing" may be valuable to you. 

BUT... the act of sending that letter is probably unwise. Here's why: right now you are letting go of him and moving in your direction, and he is letting go of you and moving in his direction. The two of you are DISentangling. Sending the letter continues the entanglement. It RE-entangles at a time when you are working on releasing. You continue the connection by re-establishing connection (even if it is to say goodby and even if it is negative connection), and this is a time of letting go and moving forward. 

So I would recommend taking the time to write the letter, with a pen, on lined paper, and allowing that inner emotional energy of acknowleging and being personally responsible to flow out as you write. Then, do something with the piece of paper that is representative of LETTING GO. For example, burn the pages in your garden and allow the ashes to become part of the soil that nourishes new growth and new life. Or tear the letter up into little bits and use the bits to paper mache a new Christmas ornament for YOUR tree. Or put the letter in a shredder to symbolize letting go of what is written on those pages. 

Make sense?


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

He used you! He moved on.

You should stay as far away from him as possible now.

Write a letter to him, but don't send it.

Don't open the door to be used again.

JMHO.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you are still hooked up on him, and the letter is to extend that relationship. He is not worth it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Anger and rage are two very human feelings. Are you going to apologise to him for being human?

I have thrown things too. Once, I felt so overwhelmed, I pushed a little chair too hard and it hit the wall. I have a little hole on my kitchen wall. I lost control and I broke something. I don't feel proud of it but I understand what I was going through. The little hole is a reminder I have to manage my emotions in a better way.

How do you manage your anger now a days?

Unfortunately, your ex saw you as his secure plan B. Once he got you, he started looking for plan A and he never stop doing that. 

Don't be a plan B for anyone.

You deserve to be a priority and a plan A for someone. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find prince charming. 

Don't give up and don't look back!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Don’t you dare apologize to that ass-hole!! You have come sooo far, do not ever go there! If you think you had issues then just work on that yourself, although I believe any issues that you did have was due to his behavior and mistreatment!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Whatever little flaws you had were just that compared to how he treated you. You don't owe him any apology and you need to listen to your psychologist. He continually took advantage of you and emotionally abused you and physically abused you..

you need to just stay in therapy with your psychologist and forget about trying to make amends with him because he does not deserve it. You need to break off all ties with him and move forward in your goal should be to not care what he thinks about you. Because the truth is he didn't think about you very much.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Thank him for what exactly? For using you? For being violent with you? For verbally abusing you? For abandoning you and the children, more than once?

I'm scratching my head on this one.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

@m.t.t
Come on girl ... where are you ?
We all want to see you happy and healthy.... come back to us !!!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

NO! You do NOT apologize to someone who used you, abused you and tossed you and your kids aside for his own selfishness multiple times!

just NO! Get some professional help - your perspective on the action you should take is off base. The apology is to YOURSELF... and the action to go along with the apology is that you NEVER, EVER allow anyone to treat you that way again!


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> NO! You do NOT apologize to someone who used you, abused you and tossed you and your kids aside for his own selfishness multiple times!
> 
> just NO! Get some professional help - your perspective on the action you should take is off base. The apology is to YOURSELF... and the action to go along with the apology is that you NEVER, EVER allow anyone to treat you that way again!


Exactly right!  from me.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Openminded said:


> That wasn’t your gut telling you to write a letter — that was your heart. Emotions can lead you down the wrong path. Don’t ever trust your heart again with him. That doesn’t benefit you.


I think you might be right....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi, @m.t.t long time no speak!

You have stunned me, somewhat. You have a psychologist who I agree with.

You don't owe your husband an apology. At all.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You may just be getting sentimental because you're in therapy and thinking about all this again and immersed in it. But you've got a lot of work to do to sort through all this and at the end of it you're going to kick yourself if you wrote him apologizing because at the end of it you're going to realize you are better off without him and his opinion isn't going to matter to you anymore.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> @m.t.t
> Come on girl ... where are you ?
> We all want to see you happy and healthy.... come back to us !!!


I'm back... I took a bit of time to sit with what I had read so far, and after reading all of your replies I have decided not too. Thank you to all for your input on this. I think openminded was right I still care about him, not in the I want you to be in my life kind of care, I'm not that ridiculous, and I'm very happy without him, but the deep care is still there. Damn it! 

I also have a history of trying to please him. I think I subconsciously want him to approve of me. There is also owning up to my failings in the relationship, I do feel a sense of guilt for getting the house, etc even though it was appointed by the judge etc but because he told me that it wasn't fair and I should just ignore the finding and do what is fair and reasonable, so I feel bad about the finding. I think he is good at this, knowing what to say.

I was very careful to try and be factual in what I wrote in my original post. It was very exhausting but also helped me see what you have all pointed out. But I did think you would find fault in what I had said. One of the things he said on leaving this time was it was unfair of me he was only 25 when he became a father, way too young. He felt robbed of a life. I guess he doesn't own his choices, he blames shifts. I'm not perfect at all, I just wanted to own my part in it. But I won't be writing that letter.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Hi, @m.t.t long time no speak!
> 
> You have stunned me, somewhat. You have a psychologist who I agree with.
> 
> You don't owe your husband an apology. At all.


That made me laugh! Thank you !


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

m.t.t said:


> I'm back... I took a bit of time to sit with what I had read so far, and after reading all of your replies I have decided not too. Thank you to all for your input on this. I think openminded was right I still care about him, not in the I want you to be in my life kind of care, I'm not that ridiculous, and I'm very happy without him, but the deep care is still there. Damn it!
> 
> I also have a history of trying to please him. I think I subconsciously want him to approve of me. There is also owning up to my failings in the relationship, I do feel a sense of guilt for getting the house, etc even though it was appointed by the judge etc but because he told me that it wasn't fair and I should just ignore the finding and do what is fair and reasonable, so I feel bad about the finding. I think he is good at this, knowing what to say.
> 
> I was very careful to try and be factual in what I wrote in my original post. It was very exhausting but also helped me see what you have all pointed out. But I did think you would find fault in what I had said. One of the things he said on leaving this time was it was unfair of me he was only 25 when he became a father, way too young. He felt robbed of a life. I guess he doesn't own his choices, he blames shifts. I'm not perfect at all, I just wanted to own my part in it. But I won't be writing that letter.


hmmm, good reasons to NOT talk to him any further. Seriously, don’t communicate with him. Every single chance you give him for any conversation - it’s designed by him - to make YOU feel badly.
Just don’t!

any time he wants a conversation - ONLY say “talk to my attorney”!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> ... One of the things he said on leaving this time was it was unfair of me he was only 25 when he became a father, way too young. He felt robbed of a life. ...


And how old were _you_ when you became a mother? Did being that young cause you to abuse people you said you loved? Did it absolve you of all personal responsibility? Did it prompt you to fail to display even a moderate amount of human decency?

No? Then why should he get a pass?

Plenty of people have started families young - even younger than 25. The problem with your ex-"husband" is not that he became a father too young. The problem is that he is an abusive, manipulative, jackass who never takes any responsibility for himself because he's so self-centered that it doesn't occur to him that other people might matter. 

His personality defects are not your fault. And you cannot fix them. You never could.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Family of origin may play a role in her thinking she needs to apologize to him - maybe that was what she experienced as a child... so that seemed “normal” to her when she was with her husband.

the things your husband has done to you are not acceptable. Proceed forward with the attitude that it’s unacceptable and you aren’t gonna take his behavior anymore. Love doesn’t look like that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You bought a house and he moved in without even an agreement about it. He has no claim to the house.

he doesn't want to be a father at 25 then he needs to use his own birth control. he sounds like he's still mentally a child blaming everyone Ford his own life when he is the only one in charge of it.

He's had you in that abuse cycle where you keep wanting his approval so you put up with things and try to make him happy, and he knows those things worked on you. He was perfectly happy to let you live in that state. You thought you could change him into someone he's not by giving him what he wants and putting up with him. And all he did was take advantage of that.

He is who he is and he's not going to change. whether he believes it or not he will continue to blame other people for his troubles because that's how he manipulates them. He finds someone nice and then he plays on that like it's their weakness. He is a user.

You're going to get along a lot better without him. You cannot show him anymore weakness because he will take that little ***** in your armor and open it wide up and play it for all it's worth. He knows how to do it. So you need to have no contact with him or the least possible and not get personal with him.

The judge saw the situation for what it was because the judge has seen all this before. The judge saw him for who he was whereas you still are seeing him for who you hoped he would become, and that simply never happens.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You bought a house and he moved in without even an agreement about it. He has no claim to the house.
> 
> 
> The judge saw the situation for what it was because the judge has seen all this before. The judge saw him for who he was whereas you still are seeing him for who you hoped he would become, and that simply never happens.


We actually bought the house together for the first time. Our first home in a small town away from everyone we knew. We signed the paperwork. The very next day a new girl started at work and he was wanting to be with her a few days later. He didn't want the house or me and it was only 3 days after signing! we had a short settlement. I begged him to at least stay with me for a few months but he left us there, my son was 14 months old to go and move into her share house because he wanted to be close to her after a couple of weeks.

He acted crazy in court. He was ranting and yelling. He wanted double of what the judge came to or to force me to sell. My lawyer said in 20 years she had never witnessed behaviour like that.

We had professional evaluation of the house done by the courts but he insisted it was worth more and crossed out the figures on his documents and put it up by 100k. I think the judged realized how he was perhaps. She had to pull him aside and try and get him to see reason so we could settle.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Rowan said:


> And how old were _you_ when you became a mother? Did being that young cause you to abuse people you said you loved? Did it absolve you of all personal responsibility? Did it prompt you to fail to display even a moderate amount of human decency?
> 
> No? Then why should he get a pass?
> 
> ...


Exactly right! My parents were 22 when they became parents. My Dad was beyond excited when I was born, he took his responsibilities very seriously, as the family grew he worked overtime every Saturday so we could go to good schools and have music lessons, play sport. Gawd love him.

If your ex didn't want a family so young, he should have been more careful.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

I wouldn't bother. You wanting to write him a letter indicates he is on your mind and you aren't really over him. I never wanted to reconnect in ANY way with an ex I wasn't interested in, not even to apologize in a letter. He basically used you for years (persuading you to have sex when you were room mates and you didn't want to and then becoming angry at you for becoming pregnant are disturbing things, I don't think he is owed an apology for ANYTHING) so for your own health, find a way to REALLY not think about him at all, and drop any desire to communicate with him. 

If you go ahead with it, and let him back into your life, it will be a repeat of everything since he basically did the same thing over and over your entire relationship. I just don't know if you are ruining a good thing with your new person, and if it's worth it, so you have to decide for yourself.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

UndecidedinNY said:


> I just don't know if you are ruining a good thing with your new person, and if it's worth it, so you have to decide for yourself.


thank you ...just for clarification I’m not wanting to get back with my ex at all, Ever !! This will never happen. 
Also I’m single. I have dated here and there but I’m not wanting to seriously date. I’ve tried but I’m just not ready. To be honest those that I have gone on a few dates with seem to be a bad fit for me. With my history I have to be careful.


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