# Took the Love buster quiz need some advice



## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Ok we took the love busters quiz and now im wondering how to start doing the repairs as this is not cut and dry to me...ok for me i had 0's on her up until #4 dishonesty and #5 annoying habits. now the biggest dishonesty just came about recent and in the form of the fact that are problems are here now bescuse she has not said or spoke up about anything since we started dating over 16yrs ago.. so my question is i feel i was lied to from the start im worried i might not really know the person i though i did, and worse yet might not like the person she becomes i though she was easy going and the cool chick sounds like she wants to let the inner ***** woman out not who i married, and the BAD HABITS onE is stuff i also new from the begining but as much as id like it to be resolved honestly its nothing i really cant live with or ruin a marriage over.... EXCEPT ONE THING HER LACK OF NEVER BEING IN THE MOOD my #1 pick i want a sexually relationship like in the first 10 yrs of our relationnow she says she could nevr do it again and be happy... now her biggest picks are 1 AnGRY OUTBURSTS past 5 yrs of our relation ship which i can see and i can fix it seems to boil down to my sexual frustration and stress which ill mention later her next was ANNOYING BEHAVIER number 1 was a tie with groping me and comments about other woman, now the comments of other woman i can fix easy i was in a bad relation with ex and could never look or say anything about even woman on tv so when i met her (wife) it was nice to finally be able to mention it ..by all means i can keep my mouth shut BUT......the groping is my biggest challange once again her not speaking up from the beginning of our relationship i was doing it since then iam a big groper not in a pervert way just i love a womans body curves smell ect she has an amazing body 36d and thin with bubble buut every mans dream with georgous face
its hard to not want her all the time and im not sure NOW at this time if id be happy changing to a no hands on guy, i realize the vicious circle here i pushed her away by groping her and angry out bursts and in return i got worse because i got angry for not getting any sex and after 12 days of nothing groped even more than ever to try and get what i could... like i said i have always been hands on guy from start iam worried that this might not work out if the new outspoken her comes out and now after 16yrs i cant be my self not the person i married iam gonna try for say a month but iam worried im gonna start building resentment..i hope i worded everything right to understand my question. any advice thks loveless1.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You've invested 16 years. A month, in my opinion, is not sufficient time to allow things to happen. Yes, she might be a totally different person than who you thought she was (although I doubt it), but you might find that you like that person anyway. I would guess that she held back stuff because she was unsure or even afraid of your reaction. It's also possible that she didn't hold back as much as you think, but that in fact, she did attempt to tell you (either with words or actions) and you simply ignored it. 

When you do the Love Busters, or any attempt at total honesty and fixing your relationship, you have to be completely open to whatever might come out of it, even when it's things you don't like to hear or that make you think, "OMG, I don't even know you!" The point is to discover where you two are feeling very differently and to try to either change or compromise, depending on the subject. And if your reaction is to flip out and say "I don't know you, I'm leaving"....well, of course she's going to hold back on you. She loves you and wants to be married to you, and if she thinks telling you something is going to make you leave, then she's going to think about it and decide that for the sake of the marriage, she'll keep it to herself. No, that doesn't do anything to help the marriage. But she thinks it does. 

Also keep in mind that people do change over time. No one ever stays exactly the same (except for some really immature people). There are things about me that are completely different than they were 16 years ago. Something I enjoyed 10 years ago might be something I despise now, and vice versa. Same goes for your wife, and if you're completely honest, for you as well. It might be that she was fine with the things she's complaining about in the beginning, but at some point, as she grew older and different, it became an issue for her. And it doesn't mean you have to stop completely necessarily. It just means you need to listen to her, hear her out and possibly just compromise. Maybe instead of groping her 10 times a day everyday, you have to learn to only grope her once every other day. And when you're working on the compromise, ask her to remind you gently of what you're trying to change, and you have to be able to accept those gentle reminders w/o getting bent out of shape. 

Good luck!


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

A trucker you make some great points a month is just a starting point not written in stone we have to much invested so ill go the distance. you are correct she did it out of fear of how id react i know this but it seems after 16 yrs of a smoke screen i still feel i might not know her the one i married its the biggest lie to me, she didint change or grow in time its just she couldnt handle her longest lie anymore... how would you like to hear that mr trucker really wasnt a trucker hes really an accountant bad anology i know but trying to make my point . i never flipped out and said im quiting i dont know you... i just have consirns that i MIGHT if the test reveled stuff that developed over time i could say it would be an easier change but this was from the begining i might not have married her ( i said might) if i had known the real person. i wanted someone that i felt connected with as my wife i feel thats been violated.. i see her ultimate sacrafice of this but alot it does us now 2 kids and 16 yrs later it bit her and i in the arse.how she held it in this long is amazing. at this point i know i have to try im just looking for help so i dont build my own resentament to how i now have to change.thks loveless1


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think you are looking at the quiz all wrong. It isn't so you can try to justify your behavior that they find upsetting. It is simply telling you what makes your spouse unhappy. You two are supposed to make some changes to make it not have the same cause/effect. 

Okay, she doesn't like being groped and you don't like her never wanting sex. Sooooooo, ease off of her a bit. Stop touching her sexually all the time and touch her intimately. Hug her, hold her hand. Don't always act like you are only touching her to get sex. That my friend, can have the wonderful effect of her wanting sex with you more, since it doesn't seem like you are trying to push it on her. 

Angry outbursts you say you can get under control. This also will improve your relationship so she can feel comfortable telling you the truth. Why would she tell you the truth if she knows you are going to have a fit about it? She wouldn't. She would keep it in just to avoid the fight.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Loveless, I understand you were trying to make a point with your trucker/accountant analogy, but either I don't get the point, or my thought here is correct: I know he's a truck driver, since I've seen his truck. If he were an accountant, I would know because there would be some extremely obvious differences in our life as a result. So, IF I were to suddenly find out that he were not a trucker, but in fact an accountant, one of two things would have happened: (1) I would have been extremely oblivious to things that any child could see, or (2) he would have pulled off an extremely huge deception. And the thing is, to pull off that kind of deception would have required so much thought and effort, it wouldn't be worth it. My point here is to say that if whatever it was was so big, I can't see how she pulled it off for so many years, so it would seem to me you had to ignore signs of it. Which means you need to accept some responsibility for the fact that she got away with it. 

Without knowing exactly what "the lie" was (and I'm not asking you to share it), it's hard to say how you should feel about it. But I think, given the years you've spent together, and that you have children, you might be...not overreacting, but taking it harder than you should. Ask yourself: Does "the lie" truly detract from the happiness you felt with her all those years? For example, if "the lie" were that she had been cheating on you all through your marriage, ok, yes, that would detract and being this upset is reasonable. But if "the lie" were that she said she grew up in Pittsburgh, but she really grew up in Detroit...well, does that really affect the life you've had together? No, it doesn't. So, yes, it hurts that she lied, but you get over it. 

I hope that made sense.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Dawn im afraid you have it all wrong i also didnt fill in the gaps of info about me , i am a romantic always have been in the begining years as an italian i always gave a strong hug with slight slide of the breast or rub on the bum it s my up bringing to show love and affection ect it was never and still is not a titty twist as i run by like a school kid slapping her ass, i will admit as time went by and mostly after the twins were born the sex was non existant she stopped making any moves at all and i became more clinging and wanting more.. tired of making the move and of course it was pushing her away... vicious circle then came my resentament and the anger that followed because my problems work,kid stress, life ,money ect was still there and i needed to know that at least i still had love and then sex. by the way iam not a selfish lover my entire life i have and will continue to always get my wife off multis then myself i enjoy feeling her pleasure. trust me i will work on the problem thats is the purpose of the test iam not justifying my actings and thats it, my fear is she was such a good woman for 16 yrs holding back her feelings of this to make it work for her and me but never did she realize she wouldnt be able to forever and this would come out, so now im left with a feeling of who exactly did i marry i mean after all i made my descion on who to marry based on how she was ACTING AT THE TIME FOR 16YRS im not saying that im not gonna try its just hard to think i was excepted for who i am and then find out its a big lie, and i dont want to try and bury my feelings for the next 16ys and build the same resentment and do this all over agian just this time it would be me ... does this make sense??


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Loveless, I understand you were trying to make a point with your trucker/accountant analogy, but either I don't get the point, or my thought here is correct: I know he's a truck driver, since I've seen his truck. If he were an accountant, I would know because there would be some extremely obvious differences in our life as a result. So, IF I were to suddenly find out that he were not a trucker, but in fact an accountant, one of two things would have happened: (1) I would have been extremely oblivious to things that any child could see, or (2) he would have pulled off an extremely huge deception. And the thing is, to pull off that kind of deception would have required so much thought and effort, it wouldn't be worth it. My point here is to say that if whatever it was was so big, I can't see how she pulled it off for so many years, so it would seem to me you had to ignore signs of it. Which means you need to accept some responsibility for the fact that she got away with it.
> 
> Without knowing exactly what "the lie" was (and I'm not asking you to share it), it's hard to say how you should feel about it. But I think, given the years you've spent together, and that you have children, you might be...not overreacting, but taking it harder than you should. Ask yourself: Does "the lie" truly detract from the happiness you felt with her all those years? For example, if "the lie" were that she had been cheating on you all through your marriage, ok, yes, that would detract and being this upset is reasonable. But if "the lie" were that she said she grew up in Pittsburgh, but she really grew up in Detroit...well, does that really affect the life you've had together? No, it doesn't. So, yes, it hurts that she lied, but you get over it.
> 
> I hope that made sense.


MY bad the lie was that her biggest love test question was she hated me groping her from the start of our relationship its what i did and she kept it bottled up for herslef and me to work i nevr thought it was an issue because its how our relkation started and she nevr mentioned it at all. if you read my reply to dawn there more info there thks loveless1.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am not misunderstanding you. Rubbing her butt while you hug or her breast isn't sexy to her. And honestly, it probably didn't bother her the whole time, it probably only bothered her after a long time of the same thing. Just hugging her. Rubbing her back. Cuddling on the sofa. Those are probably the things that your wife considers pleasant. Its great that you still hug her, but with the undertone of rubbing her butt or the side of her breasts probably makes her more annoyed than appreciative. Not to say that every now and again you can't do it, but when its constant thats pretty annoying. 

Honestly, reading your response to me kinda helps. If you were hugging her and rubbing her breasts and butt after she had the twins, I could see her building a lot of resentment from that. THAT is probably where she started disliking it. You were overbearing with it and honestly, her breasts probably seriously hurt. Your constantly hanging on her and rubbing her butt probably made her upset. And now she is having a hard time thinking of it in a good way because you did it too much then. Make any sense?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, I get it now. Ok, here's the thing...honestly, I think you are making much too big a deal about this. Unless she has told you she never ever ever wants to be touched at all in any way, you're taking this too far. No woman wants to feel as though she's being fondled every time her husband hugs or kisses her. She wants to feel as though he's expressing his love for her. I understand you feel that what you do is expressing love. And to you it is; to her it isn't. This is not a marriage ending moment; this is a learn to compromise moment. Learn to hug her without the breast slide or butt rub. Let her know that this has become habit and she needs to work with you. She can/should give you gentle reminders of what she wants. 

If you're not willing to compromise; if you made your decision to marry her based solely on the fact that she acted cool with you groping her...well, in my opinion, you have far bigger problems than anything she might have told you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Did you keep "groping" her even after she mostly stopped having sex with you 5 years ago? 




loveless1 said:


> MY bad the lie was that her biggest love test question was she hated me groping her from the start of our relationship its what i did and she kept it bottled up for herslef and me to work i nevr thought it was an issue because its how our relkation started and she nevr mentioned it at all. if you read my reply to dawn there more info there thks loveless1.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Did you keep "groping" her even after she mostly stopped having sex with you 5 years ago?


Yes afraid so even more so , the more she would not even initiate the more mad i was getting and when we did hug i needed to grope her more to feel any kind of connection. total vicious circle, i didnt even know it was a problem until this test.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Well, now you know the issue and the way to fix it. I still don't think it was an issue the whole time, probably only became an issue after a long period of that being the affection she got from you. I know you think it is romantic, but she doesn't at all anymore. What has she asked from you as far as touching and whatnot??


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Well, now you know the issue and the way to fix it. I still don't think it was an issue the whole time, probably only became an issue after a long period of that being the affection she got from you. I know you think it is romantic, but she doesn't at all anymore. What has she asked from you as far as touching and whatnot??


Well its killing me to not give a good hug ive been miserable not being able to hold her in the old way just a reg hug seems so loveless to me and as far as this being the answer im not sure ..she thinks maybe it has caused her to fall out of love with me but still insists that she could go the rest of her life with out a man or sex. so not sure if my efforts will eventually pay off and get that in love feeling back iam slowly building a wall and i hate to but now im building resentanment this is all just ****ty....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You are both trying to meet each others needs, right?? So you have to communicate to her while she doesn't appreciate your groping, that you have a need to feel close to her and that's the only way you feel it. Maybe sit down and find a way that she can touch you that makes you feel close to her. Is there anything she can do to give you that closeness that doesn't make her feel uncomfortable??


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

Dawn thats a good idea and we have been talking more not sure if you read my first post here the I LOVE YOU BUT NOT IM not IN LOVE bomb she dropped on me and while the love busters test brought more to the surface iam not sure its the REASON WHY.... she still says shes not sure what she wants, she says she cant see her life with out me and i said as your husband or father of our kids? she didnt reply, shes not sure what she wants i feel its that she wants to make sure she is right on her first decision that shes not IN love her gut feeling, even though our shrink says that the IN lOVE feeling is first meeting stuff and true love is there after she says she loves me just not the same what ever that means. my father watched the kids tonight and my 1 daughter asked him for help that mommy and dad were fighting and she doesnt know what to do or how to fix it  all we did in front of her was talk not a bit of yelling shes a very intouch kid, so now she sees how hard this whole thing is going to be. horrible just horrible.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is what I don't understand. Your W shut you down 5 years ago. Why didn't you demand answers THEN? Seems like you let things get worse and worse and now 5 years later are learning how she feels. 

As for your posts. This is how they sound to another man. 

My W hates when I grope her - but it shouldn't bother her and even if it does she should just suck it up and accept that is how I am since I overlook her manifold flaws. 

Sorry LL, my W told me in year one she hated being groped and I immediately stopped. But then - if she had NOT told me - but shut off sex I would have calmly demanded answers or ended the marriage. I sure wouldn't be sitting here 20 years later finding out why she was unhappy. 

FYI: The benefit of learning to touch her the way SHE likes to be touched is a great sex life in year 20 married, year 21 together. If I had ignored her complaint about groping - likely would have slowly killed her desire for me. 

By the way - once she IS warmed up - well that is a whole other world of passion, and wrestling and for lack of a better phrase "incendiary sexual combat". But standing in the kitchen doing the dishes - she gets a gentle full body hug that makes her feel protected - and has zero sexual connotation. And she gets that simply because that is what she likes. 



loveless1 said:


> Dawn thats a good idea and we have been talking more not sure if you read my first post here the I LOVE YOU BUT NOT IM not IN LOVE bomb she dropped on me and while the love busters test brought more to the surface iam not sure its the REASON WHY.... she still says shes not sure what she wants, she says she cant see her life with out me and i said as your husband or father of our kids? she didnt reply, shes not sure what she wants i feel its that she wants to make sure she is right on her first decision that shes not IN love her gut feeling, even though our shrink says that the IN lOVE feeling is first meeting stuff and true love is there after she says she loves me just not the same what ever that means. my father watched the kids tonight and my 1 daughter asked him for help that mommy and dad were fighting and she doesnt know what to do or how to fix it  all we did in front of her was talk not a bit of yelling shes a very intouch kid, so now she sees how hard this whole thing is going to be. horrible just horrible.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> This is what I don't understand. Your W shut you down 5 years ago. Why didn't you demand answers THEN? Seems like you let things get worse and worse and now 5 years later are learning how she feels.
> 
> As for your posts. This is how they sound to another man.
> 
> ...


I see your view but would like to explain... after the birth of our twins 5 yrs ago i never thought it was a LOVE issue between us, i though through research that it was a mom thing from hormones ect kid stress and the like so i worked on that all along getting no sex what so ever getting more backed up and sadly more groping because of the vicious circle, iam not saying im not gonna try its just a shock after all these yrs and we just took this lb test so within a week its been NEWS to me about this groping thing. so yes ill go the distance but i also need her to work on communication skills with me as if she hadnt wait to tell me this we wouldnt be here now , and i would have directed my attention to fixing US rather than trying to fix what i thought was kid stress and a hormone thing ,i hope that clears this up and as always thanks for you input as i really wanna make this work thks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveless1 said:


> Well its killing me to not give a _good hug_ ive been miserable not being able to hold her in the _old way_ just a reg hug seems so loveless to me


So basically, you want to hug her YOUR way (with groping body parts), or no way?

The LB test is done so that you learn how to stop making your wife unhappy and vice versa. If you want more SF, you achieve that by _no longer making your wife unhappy and by meeting her top Emotional Needs _(you learn those from the Emotional Needs questionnaire).

You don't get to choose what makes her unhappy. You just have to stop DOING what makes her unhappy (within reason).

Therefore, if you want more SF, start concentrating on touching her in NONSEXUAL ways. Period. Make it a test. Tell yourself that you will stop touching her in 'those' ways for an entire month, and you will start replacing those touches with ways that WOMEN like - holding hands, arm around shoulder, letting her put her head on your shoulder while you watch tv, giving her a shoulder massage or a back rub (without touching 'those' body parts), giving her a foot rub. 

After all these years of her feeling repelled by you every time you come near (she began to feel like she wanted to shrink away from you so as to avoid being groped), you have to make yourself 'safe' again. Safe to touch you. Right now, she equates you to being molested. You have to prove to her that that is not your intention. You can only do that with TIME, and proving to her that you care more for HER happiness than your own and that you will sacrifice what you want to make her happy. Only then will she ever want to have SF with you again.



> i am slowly building a wall and i hate to but now im building resentanment this is all just ****ty....


Gee.

Can you imagine how SHE has felt all these years?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveless1 said:


> so yes ill go the distance but i also need her to work on communication skills with me as *if she hadnt wait to tell me* this we wouldnt be here now


Here's another LB you can practice on stopping:

BLAMING HER.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> Here's another LB you can practice on stopping:
> 
> BLAMING HER.


Wow you have a big chip on your shoulder... I never once said i wont stop groping her it was in an old post i just said its hard to stop after all the yrs together it was just what i did, i now see it bothers her and will work on myself for the good of our marriage. and for you to say i molest!! her it was totally not true your words are blow out but yes enough to bother her second: i have every right to blame her for lack of communication if this was such a big issue with her big enough to end our marriage she was best to speak of it ...and before we go to far with this we never fought or had any history of abuse we got along great so there was no reason to be afraid to speak up i sure did iam very able to speak of my thoughts good and bad its key. once again if this was as painful as a person poking you with a knife youd say something!!!! I can see that she is a STRONG woman for trying not to make waves....but in the end her mind could only hold those emotions so long...if it was addressed in the begining i prob wouldnt be on this site. everything you highlighted below is your view warped view of reading my post . i never once said in that post if i couldnt "grope" i wouldnt hug her you totally took it upon yourself to assume that all i meant was it sucked very simple.
and you gee: comment uncalled for i can imagine how she feels NOW THAT SHES FINALLY COMMUNICATING WITH ME and yes im gonna voice my views as well that i dont wanna build a block wall so she now knows iam listening to her and she should listen to me ..it would be a shame to let a good marriage go because of no communication. I dont mean to be harsh here but with all your many posts i see that you want to help but theres a way to say things without the chip treat people the way u wanna be treated .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Point taken and I apologize for seeming offensive. My chip, I suppose, is that my husband did the exact same thing, and I did tell him and he chose to continue, so that I pulled away just like your wife. So I'm trying to give you a sense of what she's going through. To a woman, it CAN feel like molestation, if she doesn't want it. 

You said you have an issue with angry outbursts, didn't you? That is often enough to teach a woman, strong or not, to keep her thoughts to herself.

I was trying to give you the woman's perspective of what it feels like to be groped. You don't share the same perspective, as you have said, so if you want her to want _you_, you have to try to understand how she feels; WHY she has pulled away from you.

All in all, the only thing that will save your marriage is communication. SAFE communication.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Loveless, I think there is room for compromise where you can both be happy. I know it probably sucks not being able to do things that you used to, but now you have the chance to show your wife that you do care about her needs and feelings. I am not by any means telling you that its okay for her to ignore you needs, so you really should stay on target and talk about how to curb the groping. Maybe if she could initiate the touching and show you HOW she would like to be touched it could help set a path. And by all means, think about how you would like for her to touch you to give you that same comfort that the groping once did. I have faith that you two can find a good place in all of this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LL,
Are you saying you repeatedly and directly asked her for 5 years WHY she wasn't having sex with you - and she simply refused to answer? 

Because her refusing sex was a silent scream of unhappiness. 



loveless1 said:


> Wow you have a big chip on your shoulder... I never once said i wont stop groping her it was in an old post i just said its hard to stop after all the yrs together it was just what i did, i now see it bothers her and will work on myself for the good of our marriage. and for you to say i molest!! her it was totally not true your words are blow out but yes enough to bother her second: i have every right to blame her for lack of communication if this was such a big issue with her big enough to end our marriage she was best to speak of it ...and before we go to far with this we never fought or had any history of abuse we got along great so there was no reason to be afraid to speak up i sure did iam very able to speak of my thoughts good and bad its key. once again if this was as painful as a person poking you with a knife youd say something!!!! I can see that she is a STRONG woman for trying not to make waves....but in the end her mind could only hold those emotions so long...if it was addressed in the begining i prob wouldnt be on this site. everything you highlighted below is your view warped view of reading my post . i never once said in that post if i couldnt "grope" i wouldnt hug her you totally took it upon yourself to assume that all i meant was it sucked very simple.
> and you gee: comment uncalled for i can imagine how she feels NOW THAT SHES FINALLY COMMUNICATING WITH ME and yes im gonna voice my views as well that i dont wanna build a block wall so she now knows iam listening to her and she should listen to me ..it would be a shame to let a good marriage go because of no communication. I dont mean to be harsh here but with all your many posts i see that you want to help but theres a way to say things without the chip treat people the way u wanna be treated .


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> LL,
> Are you saying you repeatedly and directly asked her for 5 years WHY she wasn't having sex with you - and she simply refused to answer?
> 
> Because her refusing sex was a silent scream of unhappiness.


Well i took it as a hormone thing that quote all women go through after having kids and that the time of raising the twins was over whelming and kid stress set in and she had a hard time getting out of MOMMY MODE why is that so hard for you to see.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

loveless1 said:


> Well i took it as a hormone thing that quote all women go through after having kids and that the time of raising the twins was over whelming and kid stress set in and she had a hard time getting out of MOMMY MODE *why is that so hard for you to see*.


loveless, as someone who has helped a LOT of posters on threads like these, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that your attitude is a major cause of your wife's retreat from you.

Every post, it seems, comes with attitude. Defending yourself, questioning us, denying your issues, blaming your wife...it makes perfect sense to me that she gave up sex with you, if you have made her so unhappy she can no longer connect with you. Women have to have an emotional connection with their men before wanting to have sex.

In other words, if you want sex, become the man she wants to have sex with.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

breeze said:


> Probably because everyone's experiences are different, but generally, 5 yrs is beyond extreme for not being intimate with your partner, unless there is some physical reason it can't happen. For example, I was adamant my DH leave me alone for at least 6weeks after the births of our children, after an extremely difficult first labour, and suffering depression after our second child.
> 
> However, if we hadn't of resumed our sex life after a couple of months, he would've started asking some serious questions, and been pushing for something to change. If I thought he'd just leave me alone, I might have left things as is, and from there, we would've grown apart to a point where we were just flat mates.
> 
> Point is, for him, no excuse was good enough for a sexless marriage, and he was right. If he had faltered on this, I might've taken advantage of that because of the state of mind I was in, but it would've been a bad decision on both our parts.


Ok the break down as it was since the birth of our twins the sex was there if i asked it was givin to me but..... the issue that started this all was that i was sensing that it was just that IF I ASKED she was not into the wanting mode or coming to me for it, i was talking or communicating to her that i need to feel some passion the kind that two people feel when they both want to do the same thing...... so maybe i didnt clarify the exact story but there it is passion is what i was after not just gift sex . now turnera not sure about you and your views of looking at things ...I.... can admit i have a chip on my shoulder ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING THAT JUST CAME TO LIGHT IN MY LIFE. its also not saying thats how i acted before all this has happened i was a loving husband who basically was happy with my life and marriage no hideden secret just happy.. and yes its about me now because im in this and im trying to figure it out BECAUSE I love my wife... its easy for you to say be the man she wants to love how do i do that ive been listening and all i hear is i dont know, maybe, i guess, ill try, then i try silence and still limbo , you might hide from things in your life you cant address but i sure as hell dont, i know that communication is key..if iam at fault for anything its being a loving husband with little patience who wants his family back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point I am trying to make is that people withdraw from what upsets them. She has withdrawn from you. If you want better sex, it behooves you to find out WHY you upset her, and stop upsetting her.

marriagebuilders.com breaks it down pretty simply: avoid Love Busters and meet Emotional Needs. Mathematically speaking, if you avoid what drains her love bank for you (LBs) and you fill her love bank by meeting her ENs, she will start to want to please YOU, because you are no longer the source of her unhappiness.

btw, the reason I said about your attitude, is that you even use it on US, anonymous people who are taking our time to try to help you. And yet you feel justified in saying things to us like "why is that so hard for you to see."

Are you just not aware that that is an offensive way to talk to someone? If so, that may be part of your problem.


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## loveless1 (Aug 16, 2010)

turnera said:


> The point I am trying to make is that people withdraw from what upsets them. She has withdrawn from you. If you want better sex, it behooves you to find out WHY you upset her, and stop upsetting her.
> 
> marriagebuilders.com breaks it down pretty simply: avoid Love Busters and meet Emotional Needs. Mathematically speaking, if you avoid what drains her love bank for you (LBs) and you fill her love bank by meeting her ENs, she will start to want to please YOU, because you are no longer the source of her unhappiness.
> 
> ...


Ok we spoke again last night and she is trying to stay for the kids and because its hard to start over she addimited that, but she also said that if the kids were not in the pic that shed still stay and try to work it out...not sure if shes just saying that but its all i have... now i agree that i need to start filling the love bank but how?? she has not a clue on why she is falling out of love she says i dont know... the love busters she said maybe the problem but shes not convinced...if only my wife would tell me how to or what to work on id start filling that lb bank up... now ive been running all types of stuff across her and she just says maybe..im not sure ..then tells me to relax touches my face and thats it.. iam a mess not sure how to handel this she gives me nothing to work on, thats why i can only think this is her mental problem with depression and such not to sound harsh but if your h was asking what to do wouldnt you tell him?? when she says she doesnt know my heart breaks even more if i had something to fix i would, what do i do just be her friend and listen give it time and hope for the best she addimited she cant communicate do i just let our love slip because of lack of communication itsjust not my style or do i drive her away by asking questions she cant answer catch 22 here. thks .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't tell my husband what's wrong, even when he asks, because the moment anything comes out of my mouth that resembles even the slightest thing wrong with HIM, he blows up, blames me, gets mad or defensive, or changes the subject; so I am left feeling worse than before. So I say nothing. And fall out of love with him.

Well, since you aren't getting information from her, why don't you refocus and start working on yourself ANYWAY? You've got to know there are tons of things you can be fixing about yourself - we all have them. 

Stop bugging her, and just become a better person. Therapy's great for that. So are the plethora of self-help books. And there's always just plain old asking your family and friends what they would change about you, and then sincerely listening to them and being honest with yourself and accepting the judgment.

eta: For instance, when someone here points out something about you, you completely deflect it. Ignore it. Pretend they haven't commented about you. How will you ever fix yourself if you won't allow yourself to hear what you need to change?


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