# Crazy making or gaslighting or what



## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

We have been in mc for about four months. Called her on verbal abuse back in December and since then she has done a 180 degree turn around in the way she acts and speaks to me. Always nice no more screaming , or yelling, no more threats etc. The problem is that I am still not trusting this change. When we discuss things, even with the mc, nothing she has done or said is wrong. It is my “assumption “ or my “interpretation “ that is offf. She always has a reason for everything I bring up or remember. Some things she says she just doesn’t remember at all. Example. Last Saturday I wasn’t feeling well and asked her to go to the store for me. It was raining but not bad. Her body language and actions indicated she was not happy about going but she said she would with no complaints. When returning from the store once again body language, jaw set, walk,look on her face told me she was put out But she kept saying it was no problem having gone to the store. That is the first time I’ve asked her to do something like that in years. I usually just go myself. I get these reactions a lot even though what she says verbally is different. Am I wrong for listening to the voice in my head that is telling me she really hasn’t changed as much as it seems on the surface of things?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'll ask this:

Do you like to drive in the rain? Does anyone?

Did you get the medicine?

Then yes, you are choosing to overthink. So what if she didn't do a celebratory dance about getting medicine in the rain. She probably DIDN'T really want to drive in the rain. But because she cares about YOU, she went and got medicine to take care of you.

Stop looking at her jaw and analyzing her body language and appreciate her actions. I bet if you could say thank you instead of assuming nefarious motives she'd stop setting her jaw.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

But you may have to give your "gut" some respect. Passive/Aggressive isn't always easy to spot.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Uselessmale said:


> We have been in mc for about four months. Called her on verbal abuse back in December and since then she has done a 180 degree turn around in the way she acts and speaks to me. Always nice no more screaming , or yelling, no more threats etc. The problem is that I am still not trusting this change. * When we discuss things, even with the mc, nothing she has done or said is wrong.* It is my “assumption “ or my “interpretation “ that is offf. She always has a reason for everything I bring up or remember. Some things she says she just doesn’t remember at all. Example. Last Saturday I wasn’t feeling well and asked her to go to the store for me. It was raining but not bad. Her body language and actions indicated she was not happy about going but she said she would with no complaints. When returning from the store once again body language, jaw set, walk,look on her face told me she was put out But she kept saying it was no problem having gone to the store. That is the first time I’ve asked her to do something like that in years. I usually just go myself. I get these reactions a lot even though what she says verbally is different. Am I wrong for listening to the voice in my head that is telling me she really hasn’t changed as much as it seems on the surface of things?


Does she ever say "i'm sorry" without provocation?
Would you say she has real empathy?
Is she intimate during sex?
It almost sounds like you're describing my wife.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The incident you describe isn't really gaslighting. But I'm sure it's frustrating as all hell. 

Thank her sincerely for getting the medicine for you despite the yucky weather, and try not to overanalyze her non-verbal reactions. If she's really being so obvious with her quiet seething that it cannot be ignored, then you may want to address it. Ask her once if there's something she'd like to discuss, if she says "no" then simply pretend her seething isn't happening. Say, "okay, well, if you'd like to talk, I'll be [somewhere else doing something you want to do]" and then go do that thing. It's up to her to use her words if there's an issue she'd like addressed. If she'd not willing to do that, then you're free to assume that she's happy enough with the situation. Obvious seething while refusing to discuss it is a manipulative power play. Ignore it. You are not responsible for her emotions, particularly if she's unwilling to be honest about them with you. Stop letting childish manipulations impact your emotional state. Eventually, she'll either get over it herself or learn to communicate like a rational adult. If you eventually realize she's incapable of those options, then you'll and have some decisions to make. Ether way, though, you won't find yourself emotionally tethered to her silent pouting.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is making an honest attempt at being more polite, more civil.

I think you should make an honest attempt at being pleased. At smiling.

You got what you asked for with her new responsive behavior.

Stop raising the bar on her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I'll ask this:
> 
> Do you like to drive in the rain? Does anyone?
> 
> ...


I disagree, it is not whether someone does something for you are not. It is about the right heart attitude. 

Example, Gf was tired, but she needed something from the store. She could have gotten it herself or waited till the next day, but she asked me. 

Now I was going to another store and it was out of my way, and she was not even sick, but I went and got it for her. I was not crazy about it, but I took it as an opportunity to do something nice for her. 

I was happy to do it and it did not have a look, attitude or anything accept love for her and wanting to show her that. 

I think the right heart attitude is important...


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

I’ve driven in the rain, hurricanes, ice,and snow for her. I rarely don’t do what is asked of me any time. I ask once in a blue moon and I will be reminded for ever the day she sacrificed thirty minutes of her hallmark movie to do something for me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Uselessmale said:


> We have been in mc for about four months. Called her on verbal abuse back in December and since then s*he has done a 180 degree turn around in the way she acts and speaks to me. Always nice no more screaming , or yelling, no more threats etc.*
> 
> ......The problem is that I* am still not trusting this change. * When we discuss things, even with the mc, nothing she has done or said is wrong. It is my “assumption “ or my “interpretation “ that is offf. She always has a reason for everything I bring up or remember. *Some things she says she just doesn’t remember at all. Example.*
> 
> ..... Am I wrong for listening to the voice in my head that is telling me she really hasn’t changed as much as it seems on the surface of things?


First of all, you can't force your spouse to change, only they can change themself. You can provide them with positive feedback for any changes they make as a way of helping them with their initiated changes.

I think that perhaps you need to provide her with a little more positive feedback. 

Change also takes time and you need to expect some backsliding on the part of your W. 

The question you need to ask is this episode that bothers you "backsliding" and temporary or is it an indication that change has not happened? That is the question, I think you should be asking.

I would say that the marriage counseling is a great thing and very helpful to both her and your long term change. Maybe you can ask the MC for ways you can reinforce your wife's good behavior and ask her at the mc session what she would appreciate the most as positive reinforcement.

The other comment I will make, is that true change takes time. You can't expect her to drop all her bad habits/traits within a month or even a year. People don't change like that. Your 4 month MC is a great start, but too soon to be permanent changes.

My final comment is to why she agreed to MC, what she hopes to get out of it, or her motivation for MC? Did you directly or indirectly threaten divorce if things didn't improve? If so, she may be terrified of a future without you. If she is terrified, that is a tremendous motivating force, but one where you "reluctance" or listening to your inner voice and questioning if she has changed could create real insecurity in her that jumps out in the form of bad behavior every now and then. 

Good luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I disagree, it is not whether someone does something for you are not. It is about the right heart attitude.
> 
> Example, Gf was tired, but she needed something from the store. She could have gotten it herself or waited till the next day, but she asked me.
> 
> ...


I can't hep but think of this


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing is.....

You have labeled yourself, libeled yourself.

You have pigeon holed yourself.

You have resigned yourself.

You taken on your name, its hue, it's aura. 

You call yourself "UselessMale". Not good, this..

You have self attached, stuck on your soft back, the sign saying, "Kick me".

You have adopted the attitude, she is wrongheaded, I am abused. 
Seems she obliges, ouch.
You have taught her who you are, how you will be treated.

If you are passive aggressive, it seems that you are. Unlearn the behavior.
Be one or the other.

I suggest not passive, I suggest not too aggressive, moreso, be firm but fair minded.

If you resist change, and blame only she, then so shall you be kicked, you, begrudgingly, wittingly, accepting your fate.

In the end, the change may be a change of partners.
Fifty percent of marriages end, a new life starting.

Good Luck!


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