# Is this a step in the right direction or am I headed for heartache?



## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

My hubby and I have been separated for going on two months now. At first he was talking to this OW whom he was becoming "friends with benefits" with. She is also married and they both were there for each other when they were discussing marital problems-which is how that all got started. Well now she is deciding to give her hubby another chance and mine is saying he is "trying" to work things out with me. I know that he developed feelings for her, and is trying to get over those. I feel I owe him that since I wasnt over my ex when we started dating. I wasnt over my ex until we got married.

I do have to say that I have hurt him in the past (I spent the night at a party where my ex was-which nothing happened but talking-while my hubby was in basic training.) Since then my H says he has been unhappy but I had no idea he was SO unhappy. I do have to add that 8 months ago we decided to get pregnant. So here I am 8 months pregnant and separated from my husband. I am a wreck most of the time, but dealing with all this better now. 

So anyways-now the hubby says he is trying to see if he can open back up to me and fall back in love. (he says he loves me but isnt in love with me) He has had no other dating experience besides me and we started dating at the end of h.s., moved in together and then got married-all within the last 5 years. We have both been in college and working the whole time we have been together. I graduated three months ago and now Im staying home because of the pregnancy which was his idea. He is still working and in his last semester of school and Army ROTC. He begged for a baby and now we are having one. Is this some kind of mid-life crisis? Everything is changing so quickly-everything we have worked for is finally happening and all of a sudden Im going it alone practically. 

He has been coming around more often, and even stayed the night last night for the first time since separation started. He says that it still doesnt feel right. That he feels like he is forcing himself to "try" because its the right thing to do. We have been intimate a few times (mostly within the last couple weeks). He told me today that is about the only time he feels like he can be emotionally connected to me. Thats a start right? The first few times he was distant afterwards, now he is slightly more snuggly and happy after. I see this as a SMALL step in the right direction. I am I wrong to think that?

I'm scared of going down this road and him leaving me for the other girl. Im scared he may never love me again, or give it his best shot at fixing our marriage. I am so confused! Are the last few weeks progress or just my imagination?? He told me not to get my hopes up because he isnt in love with me, but he hopes that he can get there. Am I stupid for even staying and fighting for him? I am going to see a counselor tomorrow, maybe they can help. I love him enough to do everything I can to fight for our marriage, and for our son to have an non-broken home.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My MC story is in my profile. Are you going to IC or MC? Can you get into MC? I think you guys should.

The last few weeks are progress. Progress is slow. Learning to trust and love again is hard. In the mean time, its going to be a rollercoaster mindf*ck. 



> Am I stupid for even staying and fighting for him?


 No, and I felt hopeless a number of times.

Don't push him. 100% don't fight and deescalate everything. Stay strong.


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

I have tried to get him to go to MC. He doesnt really like the idea of it, he doesnt think it will help-or something like that. His officer did make him see the university counselor. That didnt go so good, he told him that he sounded like he had his mind made up (to leave me) in just one session and didnt need to see him again. What kind of counselor only sees someone once and knows whats best for the person?! So this may have an effect on how he sees counseling. I am starting IC this afternoon. Kinda nervous, but hope they can offer some insight into how to handle the hormones and emotions. 

My H has said many times since the separation that he doesnt know if it will work out with us. Says he doesnt feel like he can open up to me, or love me as more than a friend. But I know that u have to be able to be friends with someone to love them-surely that will help and plus the baby coming...He has also mentioned all of things that I do that drives him nuts, things like me not listening to his opinion, being stubborn-things of that sort. I am currently trying to work those. He says he sees the progress I am making in being a better person-but that it makes him mad because it took him leaving for me to change. I just keep hoping that a mix of him moving back in for the last month of pregnancy (which we agreed to when we separated since we live an hour away from family and 5 mins from my dr.) + baby coming + me listening and working on my faults + one of us getting counseling + me not giving up and being understanding of what he is going thru + graduation and getting his dream job (which is looking really good right now!!) + and him "trying" :maybe all that together will make a difference. 

I know his is still talking to the OW, but they are just friends (I checked him phone and she is trying to influence him to work on our marriage) but at the same time Im afraid he may end up holding out for her (in case she gets divorced-but they are supposed to be trying to save their marriage too). He works with her so he still sees her there too-but they stopped seeing each other outside of work, thank god.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to (MC or otherwise).
It sounds like he's still def involved with her. Get solid evidence of the affair and if you haven't told her husband of the affair, do it now. Nothing changes the dynamic of an affair quicker than everyone close to it finding out about it. Her husband has a right to know. 
Tell him straight up, you will NOT live in an open marriage. Either he is married to you and cuts off ALL contact with her or nothing will work out with you. Mean it when you say it. Remove yourself as an option. Tha tway he doesn't have you fall back on and will be left grippling w/ the fact that OW may or may not want to be with him. He won't have you to turn to for support, get it? This sounds crazy but it's better than you being a doormat and letting him back each time while he carries on in an affair. 
TELL HER HUSBAND. 
Oh and by the way, ALL cheaters say the other person is "just a friend." Always.


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

Well, I think we are still making progress. The H came over the other night, pulled up and called me to come get in the truck so we could go get ice cream (totally out of the blue), i went to hop in and he grabbed me and kissed me, even put his hand on my leg in the truck. Started talking about "if we get back together I would like more of this or that". I asked him what got into him and he said that he talked to the OW and felt like he could let her go a little more and that he felt good about him "trying" to work on us. He said that he is gonna try and focus on the good things instead of always looking at the bad like he has been lately. 

So he stays the night again, I was totally surprised. We had a good morning, was intimate again and he seemed genuinely better. He even snuggled with me a lil. So there's progress I suppose.

Well we went to dinner last night and then came home, he stayed again but was getting in kind of a down mood, so I asked what was wrong. He said that he was just thinking that he wanted to be happy to wake up next to me and not wish i was her. Well my pregnancy hormones flipped the switch for a mood swing and I got emotional and cried. We talked most of the night, I ended up getting really pissed off-hormones again. I didnt want to feel that way. He tried to calm me down and talk to me. We did talk about alot of stuff that bothers both of us. Eventually we went to sleep. 

Idk if last night is gonna put us a few steps back, I hope not. We were making progress. He said that he didnt know if he was just enjoying us getting along again or if he is finally starting to open up to me and maybe start falling for me again.
I know that it takes time and things dont happen overnight. Maybe im being impatient. It has taken him forever to get past what I did, and he still isnt over it (he has a hard time forgiving people and letting go). 
I guess I should just look at it as us dating again, right? Its hard to act like ur dating when u r deeply in love and the other doesnt seem to feel the same way. I just dont know how to be patient and keep loving him when the feeling may never come back for him. I think that he will get there-I think he is just scared of letting himself get there. 

I asked if I could make it up to him (for the way I acted last night) and cook him dinner and maybe get a movie. He said that tomorrow would be better but he made sure I was ok with that and not upset. I wasnt upset, I figured we both probably need a day to cool down and reflect on our talk. 
What should I do to keep myself from being impatient? Its so easy to say that Im being patient and understand it takes time, but when Im with him I want things to be the way they were not long ago.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell him straight up, you will NOT live in an open marriage. Either he is married to you and cuts off ALL contact with her or nothing will work out with you. Mean it when you say it. Remove yourself as an option. That way he doesn't have you fall back on and will be left grippling w/ the fact that OW may or may not want to be with him. He won't have you to turn to for support, get it? This sounds crazy but it's better than you being a doormat and letting him back each time while he carries on in an affair.


:iagree: He shouldn't be able to have it both ways. The OW has to go or else you do. Don't let yourself be a doormat. He won't respect you and it'll keep happening again and again. 

You are having a baby and it would the BEST thing if you could be a family but not at the cost of your dignity and pride. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as a convenient lay when the OW isn't around. 

MC would really come in handy because it sounds like your husband still loves you and is conflicted. Perhaps being a father is the source of a lot of his anxiety too. He may be wanting to "sow his wild oats" and not deal with the responsibilities of parenthood. 

But he can't have it both ways. He will need to recognize that he has to settle down and act like a husband and father and not be able to go off and have affairs. The way he has carried on with this woman (who ALSO cheated on HER husband) is unacceptable. If it happens now, it'll happen later. It doesn't get any better after you have a child. Things get harder.

Check out the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html. It's a good guide on how to proceed through this difficult time. Good luck!


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