# sex life after being sexless?



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

so... for those of you who were in a sexless marriage and then ended that relationship and moved on, what was your sex life like with your next partner? I'm assuming, at least at first, you had a higher sex drive and need for sex... but did it last long term, or just after you'd had your fill so to speak?

Like for me... had been literally sexless, no sex, for over 2 years. I feel sex has become that more important to me, and I for sure will have a higher need for sex at least at first. But is my sex drive permanently altered long term? I could see it as yes and no... yes because I've learned to appreciate having good sex with a good person and therefore would not take it for granted and would prioritize it... sex has become a part my love language. I will need to feel wanted in that way, often. I'm excited about sex. It's a must that I have a partner who feels the same, and if they wanted it everyday... heck, that sounds AMAZING right now.

But I could also see it as no, it wouldn't be permanent... it's just I've been so repressed so I want to go crazy so to speak, but it'd return back to "normal" after a year or so... whatever "normal" is for me, I'm not sure! My stbxh did not have a higher sex drive than me so I never had to reject him...

So... could I possibly be permanently high drive now (whereas before I'd say I was average drive) or just temporarily? This is both purely just for speculation and also to hear others stories!!! Because I know there are many of you like me who went through sexlessness and then moved on!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Adeline said:


> ... what was your sex life like with your next partner? I'm assuming, at least at first, you had a higher sex drive and need for sex... but did it last long term, or just after you'd had your fill so to speak


My first marriage was mostly sexless, and sex was always a high priority for me so that was an unhappy 25 years. But so much for bait and switch by my ex.

A good sex life was a key concern for me in deciding the compatibility of a new partner. Someone with a high drive who thoroughly enjoys sex and isn't afraid to show it. I wasn't about to trade off other compatibilities for this, either - it had to be the whole range of things that are important and mutually important.

I found that woman 15 years ago, and our sex life is still amazing. Yes, it has diminished to "only" 6x-10x a week, from considerably more early on. The compatibility was and is real, too - and we both want each other to be happy and fulfilled and take pleasure in making that happen.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

yes, it is a priority for me as well in looking for a new partner... going through this sexless marriage made me realize how important sex is to me. I want to be with someone who also values sex. Perhaps my sex drive will stay high if I choose a partner who also has a high drive... a lot of my desire is based on the other wanting it, not just me alone. Before we were even sexless, I was the always the one initiating it... I need a man who will take charge in that way as well.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I moved on from a sexless marriage 5 plus years ago and have been with my Superman for 3 plus years now. It started out as a bit of fun for both of us but ended up as the beginning of what so far is the best relationship either of us have had. His past marriage had become sexless but that was a symptom of other issues, the sexless part was the reason I divorced my ex.

So life after a sexless marriage for me has been liberating and divorce has been the best decision I could have made. I would say my sex life now is extraordinary, not far off what is my ideal. I have had to do some self work to get over my past life and to rid myself of the baggage that long term rejections brings. Although Mr H and I are both very HD we also share a compatibility with the type of sex we want. But lately this has changed a bit, we discuss our sex life a lot and we both agree we would be happy with more sex (started out at 10- 15 times per week, averaged out now to about 10 times but we want to increase that if appropriate). So quantity is all good but there are some minor changes I want to see happen with the style of sex. We are opening a bottle of red tonight, will chat about it all and then end the night with at least one session.

Sexual compatibility was vital to both of us heading into a potential LTR, even though there is great love and friendship if we were not compatible in the bedroom then we agreed we would walk away with respect and love. A couple of things that were good indicators that he was not just going to be HD at the start and then fall back to a lower baseline is that he is very comfortable talking about sex and that he is an extremely passionate kisser.

Good luck to you OP


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You will be off balance for awhile in your new life, but eventually you will settle into your natural state...if you were medium D (which most people are) you will most likely return to medium D.

If you are single and not seeing anyone, you may range from feeling desperately frustrated, to meh I'm fine without it. It might come and go in waves. Then as you approach new dating opportunities, you may feel fear and even panic at the thought of having sex with someone else. Or you may be so horny that you are driven to distraction every moment of the day and then unable to sleep at night. 

Be prepared for lots of emotions as well.

One way that I was able to experience a lot of high passion but low level investment physical intimacy when I was single was to just make out with people, maybe do a little mashing and over the clothes petting and groping...but that's it. This was enough and was more fun than sleeping with lots of people...making out with lots of people never got me into any trouble at all. I also didn't get attached to people when I cut the line at this mark. That way I could continue dating and sampling the merchandise. 

If you have good sex with someone or even just ok sex, sometimes it makes you feel like you are falling in love. Since I did not want to fall in love (when single after my ex-H and I broke up, before meeting current H) I felt very in control of my actions and emotions by being able to be in control of my body.

It sounds like it would suck to not go all the way...but it sucks much worse to get all tangled up in some quasi-love affair when you aren't ready for it...lots of people get jerked around that way (on both sides).

Just know that your experience while single may be full of ups and downs and there will be times you wish for Mr. Right to magically appear and sweep you off to Pleasure Town. When this happens you will be tempted to throw that label onto someone who isn't really that person. Having sex sends up all those chemicals that say "bond to this person!" It is intoxicating.

But a little nip is pretty harmless while still very very delicious. Also it is a way to practice your own skills.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

bump... there has to be more stories...

Faithful Wife, awesome insight/advice. Thanks


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I did. I left a completely sexless relationship and am now marrued to a high drive woman.

sex is wonderful. 

From no sex at all for 3 plus years to 3 times/ week.

what was I thinking? I guess I wasn't.


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