# My boyfriend doesn’t have his own car and I feel like he takes advantage of me.



## sunshine741 (Oct 31, 2021)

My boyfriend of 3 years lives with me and he doesn’t have a car. I did not have a problem with that. I have my own and I’ve been sharing it with him. Like I said, I don’t mind at all. 

The problem is that he uses my car to drive his adult son around. His son is 24 years old and he calls my boyfriend for lifts. I don’t know if my boyfriend has been lying but according to him he had a truck before but gave it to his son so he could use it but I’ve never seen his son driving anything. He actually lived with us for a few months last year and he would ask us to drive him to his girlfriend’s house almost daily. We used my car because it was the only one we had.

Now it’s been a year and he’s living with a roomate but still no car. He calls my boyfriend on weekends to pick him up at work and then drop him at the gym, which is 20 minutes away (walking distance). Then after the gym my boyfriend drives him to his girlfriend’s house too. 
I have asked my boyfriend what happened with the truck his son apparently had and now he says that his son prefers not to use it because it’s too big and he can’t park it anywhere. To me, it sounds like BS. It doesn’t make sense that his car is just sitting somewhere. Maybe he just doesn’t have a car and my boyfriend lied.

Even if his son didn’t had a car, there’s plenty of public transportation. We are in Los Angeles so there are buses, the metro line, Uber, etc but the son is not independent and is used to being comfortable. My boyfriend should know better that my car is being shared and he shouldn’t take advantage of my generosity. I pay all the car expenses. His son has never once offered gas money since he started asking for lifts. My boyfriend is the one paying for him instead of making his adult son responsible. 
One day we were driving him to his place and he asked his dad: “Can you pick me up tomorrow morning? I have to be at work at 8 am”. He wanted him to pick him up on a Sunday morning. He knows my BF works all week. He is super entitled. 

I need advice on how to stop this. I already spoke with my boyfriend and told him his son is an adult and that he could take a bus, get a car, or figure it out on his own. He got offended saying: “Are you kidding me? Why would I let my son ride a bus?” He coddles him and treats him like he’s helpless. If he wants to continue being his son’s chauffeur that’s fine, but he shouldn’t use my car. I like helping people but what bothers me is the fact that his son is not self sufficient for his age and only relies on us. By the way, he doesn’t call us during the week because he knows my BF and I use the car for work but he calls on the weekends since he knows we are “available”. Am I horrible for not wanting to support an adult person who should get to places on his own? Not only I’m helping my boyfriend who doesn’t have a car but now I’m helping his son too and God knows for how long. I don’t see neither of them motivated to get their own transportation. How can tell my boyfriend I’m done helping his son without being seen as the bad person?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Say no. Tell him that he has to arrange for his transportation. It's ok for short stints, but never permanent.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

sunshine741 said:


> with the truck his son apparently had and now he says that his son prefers not to use it because it’s too big and he can’t park it anywhere.


So if THIS is the case, then your BF should take it back and can use THAT to drive him around...
There is NO reason why YOU should have to do this if your BF actually has a truck that the son isn't using....


sunshine741 said:


> so there are buses, the metro line, Uber, etc but the son is not independent and is used to being comfortable.


Boo Hoo -- poor snowflake. Does his son work? Then guess what -- HE needs to figure out how to get around. Just tell your BF that you don't have an UBER tag on your car nor is it a taxi....


sunshine741 said:


> He got offended saying: “Are you kidding me? Why would I let my son ride a bus?”


Umm, you mean like hundreds of thousands of OTHER PEOPLE do every day? What is wrong with the bus -- will his son get a hangnail or something???


sunshine741 said:


> Not only I’m helping my boyfriend who doesn’t have a car but now I’m helping his son too and God knows for how long. I don’t see neither of them motivated to get their own transportation. How can tell my boyfriend I’m done helping his son without being seen as the bad person?


As I said, tell your BF that he needs to get his truck back, and then all the problems are solved.
Your BF is pretty entitled also -- I presume he has a job? If so, you need to tell him that HE needs to get some wheels and then he is free to drive around his son all day -- but NOT in YOUR car.

A subtle way to do this -- when the son calls up to get a ride, tell yoru BF sorry -- I have to run to the grocery store -- I forgot something. (or Home Depot for glue, or lights, or ANYTHING) -- then go get yourself a cup of coffee for an hour...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your boyfriend earn enough money to buy a car? It just seems odd that he does not have one. You need to let him know you are not ok with what's been going on. 

Are there other areas of your life and relationship that he is taking advantage of?

You could suggest to him that if the truck is too big for his son to park around town, he can sell it and get a smaller vehicle. Since you have never seen this truck, my bet is that it does not exist. And if it does not exist it's a bad sign because not only has he been not been using your car, but he has been lying to you for a long time. Have you ever asked his son where the truck is and why he does not use it?

Do you own the home/apartment where you live? If you rent, his your boyfriend's name on the lease as well as yours?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Say that he needs to get his truck back and use that to drive around. No point in it not being used. 
Do they both work? If so they can surely each buy a cheap second hand car.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your BF buying or retrieving a vehicle won't really solve the problem, though. He will still be his sons chauffeur and he will still coddle his son. You need to decide if that's something you can live with for the rest of your life...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

sunshine741 said:


> Am I horrible for not wanting to support an adult person who should get to places on his own?


Nope. Stop enabling your live-in boyfriend. Both he and his son are taking advantage. But, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

You're being taken for a ride.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your boyfriend coddles his son and you coddle your boyfriend. 

This problem is easily solved. You say no, the car is mine and for my use only. Let your boyfriend by his own car, he is a grown up correct? If the sons alleged truck is too large to be practical tell them to sell it and buy a compact car. Doesn't that make sense?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sunshine741 said:


> How can tell my boyfriend I’m done helping his son without being seen as the bad person?


You can't. You will be seen by them as the "bad person"..... however, you will not be seen by any hard-working, decent, upright, take-responsibility-for-yourself person as the "bad person". You will be seen by we who WORK for what we have and TAKE responsibility for ourselves as the "good person". I see your boyfriend as the "bad" person and the apple don't fall far from the tree.



sunshine741 said:


> I don’t see neither of them motivated to get their own transportation.


I got news, but I think you already figured it out. Your boyfriend is a MOOCH and he is teaching his son to be a mooch.

Tell both of them to GET THE HELL OFF OF YOU .....NOW.... and go make their own way in the world. They are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

sunshine741 said:


> *I need advice on how to stop this.*


You don't need advice on how to stop this. You already know how. You just need the guts to do it.

*He got offended *
Well boo hoo, he go offended. That's not your problem. He needs to grow up.

*but what bothers me is the fact that his son is not self sufficient for his age *
Not your son, not your problem. 

* Am I horrible*
Why would you even ask this? You are feeling guilty when you have done nothing wrong. Let me repeat that, you have done nothing wrong so there is no reason for you to feel guilty. 

*I don’t see neither of them motivated to get their own transportation.* 
Why should they? They have yours. 

*How can tell my boyfriend I’m done helping his son without being seen as the bad person?*
You tell the BF that you are glad that you have been in a position to help him and his son, but the time has come for then to deal with their transportation situation on their own and that from this time forward, you will not be able to allow them to use your vehicle.

Now, when you tell his this, one of two things will happen. A truly grateful person will say, 'you're right. I have taken advantage of your generosity for too long. I appreciate the help that you have given me and I will make other arrangements from her on out.' The ungrateful jerk will say, 'are you kidding me?' and will act like the jerk that he is. Either way, his true character will be revealed and if you find out that the BF is a jerk, it would probably be in your best interest to end the relationship because who wants to be tied down and wasting their time living with a jerk?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

How do you live in the LA area with no car? Seems almost impossible


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Tell him to sell his truck and get a car. He is too dependent on you both and taking advantage. Start saying no, say you have other things planned, hopefully he will get the message. Does he have his driving licence, and no driving offences were he isn't allowed to drive, but hasn't told you both? His dad needs to have a man to man talk with him, and he needs to stand on his own 2 feet. 

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

If your boyfriend respected you, he would put a stop to this. Tell him this stops now.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask your boyfriend's son what he did with his Dad's truck. Be prepared for a surprised look on the kid's face. Dollars to donuts there never was a truck. Can you afford the rent without your boyfriend living with you?


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## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Does your boyfriend pay you enough to cover all the costs? If not, just ask him to pay for


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Are you sure his son actually has a license? He may have lost it for any number of offenses, or just never got one.

I understand how difficult this can be, because you want to continue your relationship and happy feelings with your boyfriend (especially since you live together), but you want to set a boundary with this and stop being taken advantage of.

I think you just need to mildly tell him, "I don't want my car used as a taxi anymore, it puts wear and tear on it that I don't want, and he is not my son"...and your boyfriend isn't your husband. Tell him you haven't said anything before now because you thought it would only be once in awhile, but it's happening more, and you just aren't comfortable with it anymore. Don't even offer him solutions for his son - let HIM figure that out. I would suggest that he sell his truck sold so he can buy his son a car, and that will solve their problems.

The answer to his question, "Why would I let my son take a bus?", is "Because neither of you own a vehicle that you can drive". I don't understand why he doesn't take his truck back and use THAT to drive his son around, instead of expecting to use your car all the time.

Be prepared for an argument and an attitude about this, but don't let it stop you from speaking up about it. You feel taken advantage of because YOU ARE being taken advantage of. There is NO reason his son can't find other ways of getting around...what did these two do before your boyfriend met you?? You are just the easy solution for them both, and they are going to keep using your car until you put a stop to it.

Don't get caught up in any emotional discussions if this starts any -- you just stay firm and unaffected. You can say you are sorry this is causing some slight difficulties for them, but you just aren't comfortable with your car being used like this all the time, and don't defend yourself at all or respond to any angry outbursts ("OH, you just want my son to be stuck!", "You don't care about him at all!", "You are selfish!", etc etc)...I would simply say, "that's not how I feel at all, and you know it", and leave it at that. If he continues trying to make you feel guilty, just say, "I'm sorry you don't see it my way, but this is still what I've decided is best for my car"...and walk away.

Does your boyfriend financially contribute equally in other ways?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The kid can supposedly work out at a gym but can't manage to walk for 20 minutes. WTH?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Does your boyfriend earn enough money to buy a car? It just seems odd that he does not have one. You need to let him know you are not ok with what's been going on.


Amen to that question. I'd like to see an analysis on who pays for what on the other expenses. 
Sunshine, ain't nobody gonna give you a non-confrontational answer to make you BF want to stop abusing your generosity. You are going to have to decide if putting a stop to free Uber is worth the costs.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The next time you talk to the son, suggest he sell his big truck & use the money to buy something smaller & more practical. Also tell your living in BF that he no longer has your permission to use your car to ferry his adult son around like a taxi service. If he, the father, wants to drive the son, the father should use the son's truck. Very simple. 

You are never going to be able to change how father & son interact or daddy's coddling of the kid. That is out of your control. If you can't deal with it, then you have to get a new BF but stay out of the father / son dynamic. 

The only thing you can control is what happens with your car.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@sunshine741 you are getting lots of suggestions.
Here's my take
1. It isn't your responsibility to monitor or try to change your boyfriend's relationship with his son. PLEASE think hard on that. You are in a long term relationship that I"m sure you'd like to head to marriage but you are wanting to change your significant other. While you can talk to him about your feelings how he relates to his son is up to him. If this is something that is going to bother you long term you need to rethink the relationship because he probably won't change, doesn't want to change and it is up to him how he relates to HIS son. Any change you see is apt to be temporary.

2. You can easily let him know that he can't borrow your car. However it sounds like he views this as a shared car. So do you two share things? Is it his apartment? How do you two split finanaces. Is he mooching off you or does he contribute in other ways? It doesn't really sound like you are actually concerned about your boyfriend using your car you are ACTUALLY concerned about how much time or energy he puts toward his son. You make it sound like you are worried about the son being a grown up but in reality I think you are jealous of the time and money he puts toward his son. Would it bother you if the took the car for the same amount of time to go out with friends or to a job?

3. Figure out your feelings. Decide if they are fair or if you are going to change. Do not rely or expect the boyfriend to change. If you feel your feelings are fair, in that they are based on your boyfriend taking advantage of you with regards to the car and not jealous feelings about the son. Then sit have an honest conversation. Discuss alternatives with him. Sounds like you already did discuss alternatives it's unclear if you discussed your feelings.

4. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE to discuss this with the son. The son isn't the one borrowing your car.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So what are the boyfriend’s good qualities? Clearly earning a living isn’t his forte….


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sunshine741 said:


> My boyfriend of 3 years lives with me and he doesn’t have a car. I did not have a problem with that. I have my own and I’ve been sharing it with him. Like I said, I don’t mind at all.
> 
> The problem is that he uses my car to drive his adult son around. His son is 24 years old and he calls my boyfriend for lifts. I don’t know if my boyfriend has been lying but according to him he had a truck before but gave it to his son so he could use it but I’ve never seen his son driving anything. He actually lived with us for a few months last year and he would ask us to drive him to his girlfriend’s house almost daily. We used my car because it was the only one we had.
> 
> ...


Take your keys back. There's no way to talk yourself out of it with these two con artists. Either you're serious and realize you need to dump a freeloader or you're not.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Does your boyfriend earn enough money to buy a car? It just seems odd that he does not have one. You need to let him know you are not ok with what's been going on.
> 
> Are there other areas of your life and relationship that he is taking advantage of?
> 
> ...


Yes!

The market for used trucks is HOT.

Tell BF to sell it outright, and then take the money and then buy a low mileage economy sedan.

...........................................................

Better yet:

Call his bluff. Have him show you the truck. 
Tell him a friend is looking for one.

Your' BF is a helicopter daddy.
He hovers around his older big-boy.

Put your foot down.
Stop with the generosity.
Take the car keys and keep them away from the BF.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Are you sure his son actually has a license? He may have lost it for any number of offenses, or just never got one.


If he gets in a wreck and does not have a license, you are financially liable.

Even if he does have a license and he gets in an accident, you are liable, as is your insurance company.
If he does _big time damage or kills someone_, you are financially liable.
Your insurance coverage may not be enough.

In any event, make sure your BF and his son are covered drivers.



_Mabel-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> @sunshine741 you are getting lots of suggestions.
> Here's my take
> 1. _ *It isn't your responsibility to monitor or try to change your boyfriend's relationship with his son.*_ PLEASE think hard on that. You are in a long term relationship that I"m sure you'd like to head to marriage but you are wanting to change your significant other. While you can talk to him about your feelings how he relates to his son is up to him. If this is something that is going to bother you long term you need to rethink the relationship because he probably won't change, doesn't want to change and it is up to him how he relates to HIS son. Any change you see is apt to be temporary.
> 
> 4. *IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE to discuss this with the son*. The son isn't the one borrowing your car.


So true.


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## sunshine741 (Oct 31, 2021)

Hi
Sorry for taking long to reply. I’m at work on mobile.
My boyfriend works and so does his son. My boyfriend and I split the bills.
This is what my BF told me. He said his son always wanted a big truck which is kind of stupid for a first car. Now he says that he has trouble parking because it’s too big and also that he’s afraid it will get stolen because the area where he’s living is not the safest. He said that maybe his son was going to give him the truck and get a smaller car. But my BF is being really passive about it because he said it like 5 months ago. All this time his son has been getting lifts in my car. I guess they’re not in a hurry to get another car or sell the truck ASAP. It’s weird that it’s taking them long to decide what to do. This is what makes this story weird and hard to believe. As if the truck doesn’t exist and it’s an excuse to continue using my car or something. If I mention something about it maybe my BF will say: “yeah, we’re working on it” and nothing will likely change. But I don’t see a big deal if his son rides a bus either. It’s not like someone will kidnap him for getting on a bus. And I have no idea where the truck is now (if it exists). It absolutely makes no sense that it’s just parked and not being used.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

sunshine741 said:


> Hi
> Sorry for taking long to reply. I’m at work on mobile.
> My boyfriend works and so does his son. My boyfriend and I split the bills.
> This is what my BF told me. He said his son always wanted a big truck which is kind of stupid for a first car. Now he says that he has trouble parking because it’s too big and also that he’s afraid it will get stolen because the area where he’s living is not the safest. He said that maybe his son was going to give him the truck and get a smaller car. But my BF is being really passive about it because he said it like 5 months ago. All this time his son has been getting lifts in my car. I guess their not in a hurry to get another car or sell the truck. It’s weird that it’s taking them long to decide what to do. That’s what makes this story weird. As if the truck doesn’t exist and it’s an excuse or something. If I mention something about it maybe he’ll say: “yeah, we’re working on it” and nothing will likely change. But I don’t see a big deal if his son rides a bus. It’s not like someone will kidnap his son.


It isn't about his son. You are either ok with him borrowing the car or you aren't. Or you have limits on the car use. Or you expect to be reimbursed.

You keep acting like you get to decide how he treats his son. That just simply isn't true.

You can decide how he treats you and your car.

What is you big complaint about his helping his son with a ride? Is it the car use or you just don't think he should be doing that for an adult?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> What is you big complaint about his helping his son with a ride? Is it the car use or you just don't think he should be doing that for an adult?


Her car has springs for only her, maybe a second adult, now and then.
A third adult is too much in her mind.

Three on a match-back, perhaps?

She said, _she feels she is being used by these two_, the Father and the Son, holy poop, no Holy Ghost.

She is not up for a blended family, methinks.

Plus, I agree, the father and his son have taken advantage of her good will.
With respect to the using of her car, at least.

Her BF blows her off when she complains.
Not good.

Oh...
*They are not married.*


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Oh...
> *They are not married.*


QTF and they probably shouldn't be. This is a wake up and something that overall isn't going to change because it isn't about the car.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

This guy is a freeloader and I don't know why you're ignoring that fact. All you need to do is learn to say no. You should tell him they're putting too many miles on your car and it's too high liability for you and they need to get their own transportation.


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## sunshine741 (Oct 31, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> It isn't about his son. You are either ok with him borrowing the car or you aren't. Or you have limits on the car use. Or you expect to be reimbursed.
> 
> You keep acting like you get to decide how he treats his son. That just simply isn't true.
> 
> ...


 My complaint is that I feel his son is a little old to be calling his dad for rides. He should be self sufficient, something that I think my BF never thought him. I don’t see a reason why he shouldn’t have his own transportation. He works so either he gets a car or take the bus. Why am I responsible to accomidate his needs?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If anyone should be self-sufficient it's the father. I don't know why you're giving him a pass. He's the bigger offender here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

sunshine741 said:


> Hi
> Sorry for taking long to reply. I’m at work on mobile.
> My boyfriend works and so does his son. My boyfriend and I split the bills.
> This is what my BF told me. He said his son always wanted a big truck which is kind of stupid for a first car. Now he says that he has trouble parking because it’s too big and also that he’s afraid it will get stolen because the area where he’s living is not the safest. He said that maybe his son was going to give him the truck and get a smaller car. But my BF is being really passive about it because he said it like 5 months ago. All this time his son has been getting lifts in my car. I guess they’re not in a hurry to get another car or sell the truck ASAP. It’s weird that it’s taking them long to decide what to do. This is what makes this story weird and hard to believe. As if the truck doesn’t exist and it’s an excuse to continue using my car or something. If I mention something about it maybe my BF will say: “yeah, we’re working on it” and nothing will likely change. But I don’t see a big deal if his son rides a bus either. It’s not like someone will kidnap him for getting on a bus. And I have no idea where the truck is now (if it exists). It absolutely makes no sense that it’s just parked and not being used.


If you haven’t seen the truck, it’s because it doesn’t exist.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

sunshine741 said:


> My complaint is that I feel his son is a little old to be calling his dad for rides. He should be self sufficient, something that I think my BF never thought him. I don’t see a reason why he shouldn’t have his own transportation. He works so either he gets a car or take the bus. Why am I responsible to accomidate his needs?


Look at your words. You feel like HIS DAD ....

You can easily say no to borrowing the car but you are actually trying to regulate the relationship between the Dad and his son. This will only lead to resentment on your part, his part and the son's part. You aren't the parent of said child so HOW you FEEL the Dad and son should interact is immaterial. You aren't even the step mom.

So simply tell your BF that he can't borrow the car. You have no standing to try to MAKE the son grow up.

You may misunderstand me. I agree the son should learn to fend for himself. But it isn't my job to make him do that and it isn't your job either. Trying to make your partner change is always a recipe for disaster especially when it is a family issue. You are just going to create problems in your relationship.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

sunshine741 said:


> My complaint is that I feel his son is a little old to be calling his dad for rides. He should be self sufficient, something that I think my BF never thought him. I don’t see a reason why he shouldn’t have his own transportation. He works so either he gets a car or take the bus. Why am I responsible to accomidate his needs?


If either one crashes the car, they will walk away from you and leave you dealing with all the ramifications.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


sunshine741 said:



How can tell my boyfriend I’m done helping his son without being seen as the bad person?

Click to expand...

*So I'm assuming your 'boyfriend' is around 45-50 years old if he has a "kid" that's 24 - and he doesn't even have a car? At HIS age he doesn't even have a car? Why the hell are you settling for SO damned little?

And then on top of it, the fool is taking advantage of _*you*_ driving his loser son all over town while YOU pay for all the car expenses. Does your boyfriend at least pay for rent? 

What the hell is so special about this guy that you're willing to just drop all your expectations in a man and settle for this clown? I ask this seriously.

Jeez, OP. Aim higher.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Why are you driving your boyfriend around? Isn't he a little old to be calling you for rides? 

The son is not the problem. Actually, your boyfriend is not the problem either. You are the problem. You are letting them both take advantage of you. 

You need to wake up and dump him and his son!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bobert said:


> *Your BF buying or retrieving a vehicle won't really solve the problem, though. He will still be his sons chauffeur and he will still coddle his son. You need to decide if that's something you can live with for the rest of your life...*


Who cares? If he wants to act like an idiot and drive his dependent grown-ass loser son around town, then let him. At least the OP won't be FUNDING these two fools with the cost of maintenance and repairs.

Honestly, if he were my boyfriend (and trust me, he wouldn't be) I'd kick his worthless ass so damned hard his mother would feel it in Kenosha. I have no respect for wankers like your boyfriend who had NO problem using you.

Aim *higher,* OP.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

sunshine741 said:


> My boyfriend of 3 years lives with me and he doesn’t have a car. I did not have a problem with that. I have my own and I’ve been sharing it with him. Like I said, I don’t mind at all.
> 
> The problem is that he uses my car to drive his adult son around. His son is 24 years old and he calls my boyfriend for lifts. I don’t know if my boyfriend has been lying but according to him he had a truck before but gave it to his son so he could use it but I’ve never seen his son driving anything. He actually lived with us for a few months last year and he would ask us to drive him to his girlfriend’s house almost daily. We used my car because it was the only one we had.
> 
> ...


You just tell him, "NO". If he's a good person, he will accept that and ask you to help him make other arrangements.
If he's a manipulator, as many here suggest that he may be, he will try and guilt trip you into relenting and allowing him to make other arrangements. If he's a manipulator, and he crashes the car, he will disappear on you and leave you with the consequences. 

The fact that he is willing to leave you with the consequences suggests that he isn't into you as much as you might like.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sunshine741 said:


> *I guess they’re not in a hurry to get another car *or sell the truck ASAP. *It’s weird that it’s taking them long to decide what to do. *This is what makes this story weird and hard to believe. *As if the truck doesn’t exist and it’s an excuse to continue using my car* or something. If I mention something about it maybe my BF will say: “yeah, we’re working on it” and nothing will likely change. But I don’t see a big deal if his son rides a bus either. It’s not like someone will kidnap him for getting on a bus. And *I have no idea where the truck is now (if it exists)*.


Sorry to be this blunt, but are you REALLY this stupid???? Of course they're in no hurry to buy a vehicle ... and why should they be? As long as they can take advantage of you, they're set!

So this metaphorical "truck" is orbiting around Saturn for all you know. C'mon ... quit focusing your bf's kid and trying to place the blame on either of these clowns. The blame is squarely on YOU for allowing this to continue. 

People like your bf and his kid take advantage of people like you, because people like you permit it. Jeesh!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sunshine741 said:


> My complaint is that I feel his son is a little old to be calling his dad for rides. He should be self sufficient, something that I think my BF never thought him. I don’t see a reason why he shouldn’t have his own transportation. He works so either he gets a car or take the bus. Why am I responsible to accomidate his needs?


If the son lives elsewhere he should sort his own transport out. He apparently has a truck, so they can sell it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ask him to show you the truck. Ask him where he has put it up for sale?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You may as well cut to the chase and break up. He has shown you he doesn't care if you like it or not he is going to continue using the car, so it's a stalemate.
Now it's just a matter of time before a big blowup. You are at some point going to lay down the law by saying "NO" and he's going to say "f-you!, I'm leaving". Or you're going to remain silent letting the resentment build until one day the top of your head blows off and you loose it by screaming at him to "get the **** out!".
May as well call it done.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

sunshine741 said:


> My complaint is that I feel *his son is a little old to be calling his dad for rides.* *He should be self sufficient*, something that I think my BF never thought him. *I don’t see a reason why he shouldn’t have his own transportation. He works so either he gets a car* or take the bus. Why am I responsible to accomidate his needs?


And your boyfriend is a little old to not have his own car, and to be dependent on his girlfriend for transportation.

The bigger issue is that all this applies to your boyfriend. He’s a grown man who works, why the hell doesn’t he have his own car?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Ask him to show you the truck. Ask him where he has put it up for sale?


The truck, which may or may not exist, isn’t the issue here. 
The primary issue is that her boyfriend is a dependent loser who doesn’t own a car and can’t provide for his own transportation, with a loser son who can’t or won’t drive himself anywhere. I think it’s just time for her to find a new boyfriend.


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## sunshine741 (Oct 31, 2021)

I really appreciate all of your responses and I already figured out what I’m going to tell him. This weekend when my BF asks to let him use the car to pick up son I will let him. HOWEVER, when he comes back I will first ask what happened with the truck. Then I’ll tell him that his son has had time to sell the truck or resolve his problem and that I think I’ve done enough helping his son while he doesn’t have transportation. I will tell him it’s time he figures it out on his own until he resolves his problem. I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???

Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

sunshine741 said:


> I really appreciate all of your responses and I already figured out what I’m going to tell him. This weekend when my BF asks to let him use the car to pick up son I will let him. HOWEVER, when he comes back I will first ask what happened with the truck. Then I’ll tell him that his son has had time to sell the truck or resolve his problem and that I think I’ve done enough helping his son while he doesn’t have transportation. I will tell him it’s time he figures it out on his own until he resolves his problem. I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???
> 
> Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


I don't know why wait til the weekend. Just tell him. I'd give him warning to be nice. Set a date and let him know your car can't be used for.... However. You really just need to move on. You aren't prepared to be a part of this family and he isn't going to give up his son. You see earlier you said he pays for his half of stuff but you still don't like that he spends money on his son. It's his money, his son. You don't control that. 

Further if your BF goes out and buys his own car and then uses it to chauffer his son around you'd still be unhappy because IT ISN"T about the car. And what it is about you are prepared to handle. He isn't going to change. The fastest way to kill a relationship is try to change the other person who doesn't want to change.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

If I was in your situation, knowing when you are going to be asked for use of the car I would say, Oh I'm sorry, I need it today I'm about to drive (opposite direction ) and make sure you are leaving at a time that doesn't work for them so you can';t give them a lift. Your boyfriends response will tell you everything you need to know about the situation. I'm guessing he will blow up at you. If he does please remove him from your life. If he is understanding then great. But just keep using your car for you. They will sort themselves out quick smart.

You are too nice. I've been there, don't be a doormat. Don't give a timeline. I agree with the others you are enabling a very lazy boyfriend.


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## Jimhardc (Oct 16, 2014)

sunshine741 said:


> My boyfriend of 3 years lives with me and he doesn’t have a car. I did not have a problem with that. I have my own and I’ve been sharing it with him. Like I said, I don’t mind at all.
> 
> The problem is that he uses my car to drive his adult son around. His son is 24 years old and he calls my boyfriend for lifts. I don’t know if my boyfriend has been lying but according to him he had a truck before but gave it to his son so he could use it but I’ve never seen his son driving anything. He actually lived with us for a few months last year and he would ask us to drive him to his girlfriend’s house almost daily. We used my car because it was the only one we had.
> 
> ...


Why not tell your BF to get the “truck” that is apparently sitting somewhere parked and have him use that to chauffeur his son around. Also remind him the more miles on your car the more wear and tear on parts and if your car breaks down then nobody will be going anywhere without “public transportation“


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## Casey0211 (Jun 19, 2021)

sunshine741 said:


> My boyfriend of 3 years lives with me and he doesn’t have a car. I did not have a problem with that. I have my own and I’ve been sharing it with him. Like I said, I don’t mind at all.
> 
> The problem is that he uses my car to drive his adult son around. His son is 24 years old and he calls my boyfriend for lifts. I don’t know if my boyfriend has been lying but according to him he had a truck before but gave it to his son so he could use it but I’ve never seen his son driving anything. He actually lived with us for a few months last year and he would ask us to drive him to his girlfriend’s house almost daily. We used my car because it was the only one we had.
> 
> ...


You’re not a bad person. The kid needs to make his own way, and his father needs to insist that he do. I used to ride public transportation all the time. Nothing wrong with it all. What’s the matter with dad? Can’t he get a car?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

sunshine741 said:


> I really appreciate all of your responses and I already figured out what I’m going to tell him. This weekend when my BF asks to let him use the car to pick up son I will let him. HOWEVER, when he comes back I will first ask what happened with the truck. Then I’ll tell him that his son has had time to sell the truck or resolve his problem and that I think I’ve done enough helping his son while he doesn’t have transportation. I will tell him it’s time he figures it out on his own until he resolves his problem. I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???
> 
> Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


Why do you want to wait until this weekend? Is it because you will both be off work and will have more time to discuss the issue? Or is it because you are delaying and waiting for the conversation to come up "naturally" instead of you bringing it up? If it's the latter, you need to learn to speak up for yourself and stand your ground. If the weekend really is just the best time to talk about this, then okay. 

I don't know if I would give them until the end of the month. I think I would say something like "You can use my car to give him a ride today, but no more after this". Or you can talk about it before the weekend and say no more, so it's already dealt with. I don't think you need to give him a months warning because the son already figures it out during the week when you are both working, he can do the same on the weekends. There is nothing to figure out.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You do not need to offer excuses, you do not to have to give him time to "figure things out". You have already told your boyfriend you don't like him using your car to drive his son around, and he doesn't care. Why would you have to tell him more than once? Just say no.

Are you afraid he will break up with you? Are you dependant on him in ways you haven't mentioned? Being a boyfriend doesn't entitile him to co ownership of your stuff. It's your car, you are the boss of how it's used. Stand up for yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunshine741 said:


> I really appreciate all of your responses and I already figured out what I’m going to tell him. This weekend when my BF asks to let him use the car to pick up son I will let him. HOWEVER, when he comes back I will first ask what happened with the truck. Then I’ll tell him that his son has had time to sell the truck or resolve his problem and that I think I’ve done enough helping his son while he doesn’t have transportation. I will tell him it’s time he figures it out on his own until he resolves his problem. I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???
> 
> Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


You live in or around LA, right? It's very expensive to live there. Does his son make enough to live on?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bobert said:


> Why do you want to wait until this weekend? Is it because you will both be off work and will have more time to discuss the issue? Or is it because you are delaying and waiting for the conversation to come up "naturally" instead of you bringing it up? If it's the latter, you need to learn to speak up for yourself and stand your ground. If the weekend really is just the best time to talk about this, then okay.
> 
> I don't know if I would give them until the end of the month. I think I would say something like "You can use my car to give him a ride today, but no more after this". Or you can talk about it before the weekend and say no more, so it's already dealt with. I don't think you need to give him a months warning because the son already figures it out during the week when you are both working, he can do the same on the weekends. There is nothing to figure out.


I agree with this.

There's other options he can use - public transport, walking (as you have mentioned), uber, taxi, get his own car. That's all just details to the bigger point though. Which ultimately is you asserting yourself and knowing what you're good with, and not.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

m.t.t said:


> If I was in your situation, knowing when you are going to be asked for use of the car I would say, Oh I'm sorry, I need it today I'm about to drive (opposite direction ) and make sure you are leaving at a time that doesn't work for them so you can';t give them a lift. Your boyfriends response will tell you everything you need to know about the situation. I'm guessing he will blow up at you. *If he does please remove him from your life. If he is understanding then great. But just keep using your car for you. They will sort themselves out quick smart.*
> 
> You are too nice. I've been there, don't be a doormat. Don't give a timeline. I agree with the others you are enabling a very lazy boyfriend.


Agreed!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

sunshine741 said:


> I really appreciate all of your responses and I already figured out what I’m going to tell him. This weekend when my BF asks to let him use the car to pick up son I will let him. HOWEVER, when he comes back I will first ask what happened with the truck. Then I’ll tell him that his son has had time to sell the truck or resolve his problem and that I think I’ve done enough helping his son while he doesn’t have transportation. I will tell him it’s time he figures it out on his own until he resolves his problem. I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???
> 
> Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


Good luck.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

To the OP:
I feel your frustration however you should not cross that boundary where you're becoming involved in their relationship. If your BF pays all car expenses on behalf of the son it doesn't matter. Why? Because if the son paid, it would most likely have come from the dad. I myself, have a 19 year old son that lives with me. I've arranged for him to have a bank account created and I directly pay money into the kid's account so he can pay for stuff himself. It's part of building my son's independence but I had to lead that initiative myself.

Some things are kind of sacred. Imagine if he had a computer and you had a daughter and she needed to use it and then he started to get upset that you paid for the internet services? You know what I mean. If you step back a bit and breathe and try to be "cool mind" about it I'm not sure its a battle that can be won without causing a cold war.

Much respect to you though but try to get to the core of what is bothering you. Perhaps try talking to your BF about paying for the car as he uses all the time and if he wants to be chauffer for his son then he could help you with lifts and shopping and stuff too. If he isn't working maybe he could get a little part-time gig as an Uber or a delivery dude you could then claim the car runnings costs as a tax deduction. But I digress.

Here's a philosopher's quote that I think relevant for negotiating a better outcome:

“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You live in or around LA, right? It's very expensive to live there. Does his son make enough to live on?


Apparently not.



sunshine741 said:


> *Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? *Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Apparently not.


That's a reasonable assumption. However, I know someone whose adult son makes enough to support himself, but spends it all on partying, computers, big-boy toys, etc. and then his parents pay his rent, car, etc. Some parents do this. It's sad.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sunshine741 said:


> I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???


I think you shouldn't worry about whether or not they'll think your "so ****y." Sorry, but no matter when you tell them, they'll probably get their shorts in a knot. They've been taking advantage of you, and my guess is they'll be pretty ticked when you pull the plug on their free transportation.

What strikes me as so weird about this entire thing, is the mysterious "truck." The son doesn't want to drive it, so why isn't his dad (your bf) driving it? Why use your car if another vehicle is available? If they're lying about the existence of the truck, then you've got another set of problems on your hands.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sunshine741 said:


> I really appreciate all of your responses and I already figured out what I’m going to tell him. This weekend when my BF asks to let him use the car to pick up son I will let him. HOWEVER, when he comes back I will first ask what happened with the truck. Then I’ll tell him that his son has had time to sell the truck or resolve his problem and that I think I’ve done enough helping his son while he doesn’t have transportation. I will tell him it’s time he figures it out on his own until he resolves his problem. I don’t know if I should tell him that from that day forward his son is on his own and I won’t lend my car or should I tell him that I will only be helping until the end of this month??? That way both my BF and his son use their brains to figure something out and I won’t sound so *****y. What do you think???
> 
> Did I also mention that my BF helps his son pay his rent and cellphone bill? Well, I’ll just add these things so you know how much he babies him and he needs to grow up ASAP. He needs to stop rescuing his son whenever he has a problem.


Have you considered just driving the truck yourself?


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## sunshine741 (Oct 31, 2021)

I’m going to add a few more details here so you can understand why this situation frustrates me so much.
I know some of you say I shouldn’t interfere with my BF’s relationship with his son and I get it. The thing is that I don’t want to support my BF in the way he’s raising his son.
My boyfriend paid for his son’s college education and he graduated in May of 2019. Since then, his son has not looked for a job in his field. He was unemployed for almost a year and BF wouldn’t tell him anything. Now he works at a grocery store making minimum wage and I think he got comfortable working there. My boyfriend is helping him with rent because obviously he doesn’t make a lot since he chose to work at the grocery store. My boyfriend lies and puts excuses for him. He said he had a job lined up in another state. He said that many times and then switch it into something else.
I don’t want to support the son in being dependent on us because he can’t get from point A to point B. When I didn’t had a car, I used the public transportation. I don’t see why he can’t do that. His dad is just enabling him and making his life easy by paying his rent and being his personal taxi driver. He needs to stop now if he doesn’t want his son to be 30 and still call him to be picked up. So it’s not that I’m against my boyfriend having a relationship with his son. I just don’t agree with him not motivating his son to be better in life and be more responsible and independent.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Assuming he raised his son from birth, the dynamic has been 24 years in the making. Whereas the relationship between you and your boyfriend is 3 years. I may have overlooked this but have you ever discussed this with him and how did he respond? While I agree with your sentiment about your boyfriend likely not doing his son any favors in the long-run as far as supporting himself independently, I also agree with other views not to interfere.

However, the feelings about your car being used to accommodate him is valid. And whether the relationship with his adult son may intervene with the shared resources of you and your boyfriend down the track is to be considered. My take is this is more about what you're okay with and not okay with, and asserting yourself with what directly impacts you. I think a side aspect is that you do not respect your boyfriend's actions towards his son. It's not great to develop a relationship that lacks respect. It's on you as to what you assert, accept, or reject.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Frankly, it's none of your business if he coddles his son as long as he does it *on his dime. *But, he's using you to assist in the coddling. He coddles his son and you coddle him. You've been coddling your boyfriend for 3 years? Why are you allowing this?

If you think this relationship is going somewhere, it isn't. You will never be able to build anything with this guy because his extra resources will continue to go to the son.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

sunshine741 said:


> I’m going to add a few more details here so you can understand why this situation frustrates me so much.
> I know some of you say I shouldn’t interfere with my BF’s relationship with his son and I get it. The thing is that I don’t want to support my BF in the way he’s raising his son.
> My boyfriend paid for his son’s college education and he graduated in May of 2019. Since then, his son has not looked for a job in his field. He was unemployed for almost a year and BF wouldn’t tell him anything. Now he works at a grocery store making minimum wage and I think he got comfortable working there. My boyfriend is helping him with rent because obviously he doesn’t make a lot since he chose to work at the grocery store. My boyfriend lies and puts excuses for him. He said he had a job lined up in another state. He said that many times and then switch it into something else.
> I don’t want to support the son in being dependent on us because he can’t get from point A to point B. When I didn’t had a car, I used the public transportation. I don’t see why he can’t do that. His dad is just enabling him and making his life easy by paying his rent and being his personal taxi driver. He needs to stop now if he doesn’t want his son to be 30 and still call him to be picked up. So it’s not that I’m against my boyfriend having a relationship with his son. I just don’t agree with him not motivating his son to be better in life and be more responsible and independent.


I think it has been clear all along why the situation frustrates you so much. But I'm not sure you understand that how he parents his son isn't something you can change. 

This is who he is. You either accept it or you don't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will never change how he deals with his son. This sort of thing is a major reason that second marriages fail. The good news is that you aren’t married to him. You have a choice to make.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The only thing that you can change about this relationship are what affects you directly. 
Stop letting anyone else use your car. 
Under no circumstances allow your boyfriend to pay any less than fifty percent of ALL living expenses, including your mortgage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would give a set time to the end of the month. Then say that it will give him time to either get the truck back off his son or sell it.


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