# on the track to divorce, separation - but what about the kids?



## laila123 (Jan 3, 2012)

Ive been married for 10 yrs, with many ups and downs during those years. I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old, who I am trying to stay strong for, but fear Im sinking.

My husband cheated on my 6 years ago, she got pregnant, he forced her to have an abortion knowing I wouldn't take him back, and at the same time I had pneumonia. We separated a little time, but slowly rebuilt our relationship.

That affair almost killed me, I was depressed, I hated myself, and you know the usual lack of self worth drama, but most of all it took a long time to trust him again. 

May last year my husband went on holiday for his friends stag do. I found flirtatious txts on his phone, confronted him, then broke down in front of him. He swore blind nothing happened, yet immediately after I confronted him he emailed her. Stupid me, I confronted him again, and he said stupid impulse. Since then I still hadn't trusted him, but wanted to rebuild our relationship for the sake of our beautiful children. However over the months Ive found out more and more, to the point he was a complete and utter liar - and I was stupid to believe him.

I came home from the gym last night and decided it was time to separate and work to a divorce - its not so much the cheating, but the lies and denial - and utter humiliation of being fooled again. However I am petrified of whats going to happen to the children, and I am trying hard not to fall into depression again.

He says he still loves, me, and that the last 9 mths we've worked our relationship forward, but I don't see it as that as he never admitted the truth, even though I begged him to. I know I will never trust him again, and his 'late work nights' I will terrorise him for. So I am trying to be the better person and just let go.

I still love him - but on principle feel that to do this twice is a sign of extremely bad character, and do not want to repeat this 10 yrs later. Im 31, getting back in shape, and working hard to sort out my work issues too (a different story). He said he'd support me during this time, but I don't want him to. Why should this be easy for him. He didnt cry, he was all too calm, as though Ive made the decision he was too scared to do.

Well now Im scared, sick to my stomach, and feel humiliated to tell friends and family. Im forcing myself to eat a little but vomit it back up. Ive whacked the TV on all day and popped my little ones in front of it all day, as I cannot manage anything. I just about get their food and snacks together without dropping.

Am I acting too haste? Should we just separate and work at it, should I stay and work at it? Or get the divorce? It kills me knowing that Im breaking up my family, but I cannot waste away either - I live in a relationship of constant distrust.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

Gonna be honest Laila. You've got to be selfish. 

You cannot let your happinness and well being suffer just because you want to keep the family together. It just won't work like that. You've either got to patch things up or move on. Don't stick around just for the kids, trust me. They'll sense it even though they're young. I know I did!

My mom stayed with my dad for 2 whole years before calling it quits. She found out that, he had been cheating on her with multiple women. She stayed with him for me, my sister and my older brother. None of us were older than 10 years old and we all knew that they weren't happy together.

That's just my experience though. He cheated on you before and will probably do it again. 

Hope it work out though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this..again. Having been through it myself I know how painful it is.
You describe yourself as someone going through situation depression. It’s real and it can be debilitating. You would benefit from taking antidepressants for a while. When I was going through this my doctor put me on Wellbutrin. Antidepressants take the edge off the pain, making it easier for you to deal with the issues you have to deal with. 

On the topic of whether or not your marriage can be saved… there are things that the two of you can do to rebuild trust. But it will have to go a lot further than rebuilding trust. Your husband has a weakness so the two of you would need to build things into your marriage which protected from his weakness. For example he could never again go on another vacation like this last one. He would have to be 100% open with his cell, computer, passwords for email, facebook, etc.

You are right that divorce will be hard on your children. But seeing you treated this way and you in this state is hard on them as well. As long as they have both of you involved in their lives and are not used as pawns they will most likely do ok.


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