# Stupified



## faeluna (Jun 6, 2008)

Im not sure if any of you can help and I hope your not going to be as "stupified" as I am when I unload but here goes. Im not going to go through every weird thing that has been going on in the last 10 years of this marriage but will try to tell you whats going on now that is so bad Id feel I have to unload on a bunch of strangers. Whats going on right now is my husband tells me that the reason he comes home and goes directly to bed and gives me one word answers to everything like " Hi, how was your day?" and " what happened today? anything new?" how ya feeling? Would you like a cup of tea and so forth...is because he feels he is not part of the "team" the team would be me, my 19 year old daughter and him. My daughter moved in with us last year and my husband was really jazzed because he tells me he wants to be a close family that does things together and eats together and so forth. What happened was he became angry when she asked me for a hug and talked to me about her life and not so much him. He would start to get really upset if he saw her and I interact at all after awhile. He became obsessed with her and even now you could come to the conclusion by what he says that he still is. We tried to eat at the table as a family but whenever she would try to ask him anything he would give her one word answers or start an argument. Everything she is not doing is now what he obsesses over and because she is not doing what he thinks she should be doing he will not talk to me or her. He tells me that he feels he should just shut his face and let her and I be as we will. Ok, so you probaly have gathered that she is not his child. I feel that he is not getting what he wants and so will not settle for anything she is willing to give. Now, about him and I which is what Im trying to save. I have become house bound. I work, I come home and have not done much of anything else..( big big problem that I have caused or let happen )Ive gained at least 100 pounds since we met, and my husband and I havent slept together in about id say 7 full years. Now he tells me that non of that matters...( thats a crock ) or should I say what other conclusion should I come up with? He use to do werid stuff to me when we first were marriade. We would get into arguments and he would just walk off into the sun set. I would go searching for him, crying and calling his name out but would never find him. My mother told me she saw him walk up to a hill and just watch me search, until one day she got into her car, picked me up and drove me to where he was to show me he appeard to enjoy this exchange. ( at first we lived on my parents ranch for about 6 months before we got our own place ) Ok, so now...He has found a club which he enjoys to attend. My daughter is an animation artist and my husband got into this for her to find friends when she first got here. She went once or twice but lost interest. However he has continued to go. Which was fine up until he once stayed out until 6 am and during a convention he stayed overnight inspite of me calling him and asking him to come home because I was feeling insecure. Then one day here in my own house, a letter arrived for him addressed to his screen name from a girl. And to make a long story short, I discovered he has a post office box now and when I asked him about this, he told me he thinks Im withholding his mail from him...WTF!!  Im like no... Never have and never will. He also took all of our money out of the bank and put it in another bank account that I cant touch. I must put my earnings into our joint account so he can put it where he wants and he is paying all of our bills. He gives me 20 dollars a week for food. Okie Dokie says me.. who cares as long as he pays the bills. Anyways we have this great big blow out over everything and I decide ok, I have to look at me and see what the hell Im doing wrong. I now offer to go everywhere with him, I walk away from my child and try my darndest to talk to him about anything.. but he will not come out of the bedroom unless we are asleep. Im at a loss. I don't know what to do except lose weight as fast as I can and keep trying to do the things he wants me to do. I thought I was doing all of those things but after last night I am not being good enough cause he stayed in his room and he is still in there right now. What do you guys think?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It almost sounds like he resents your daughter and feels you are putting her first. Additionally, it sounds like he expects a divorce.

draconis


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

Seem to be some different issues going on here - and from my outsider's point of view, the word that comes to mind is 'screwy'.

I don't know if he really has a problem with your daughter. Could it be that he has and had other issues with you &/or your marriage, but could never pinpoint them or allow himself to admit that isn't happy with some things. Your daughter could just be a 'safe' thing for him to blame. Maybe he doesn't really understand himself what is going on. When you confront him, he looks for an answer, and it's easiest to pick something which he can not control.

Just a theory.

But I would say that you two need to really openly talk. Can you make out an 'appointment'? Like 'Honey, you and our relationship are really important to me, and it would be great if we could sit down together and honestly talk about the situation....when would be good for you, how about Sunday?"

&/or

a task list? One where you both offer input as to what you want, and what needs to be done to achieve that. Set some goals together for both of you for one month from now, or for Autumn, or for one year at this time.

Another point i find screwy - if you're married - neither one of you should be 100% in control of anything, especially regarding money. I'd put my foot down there!

How does your daughter see all of this? Have you gotten her input on it?


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## faeluna (Jun 6, 2008)

My daughter tells me that she is tired of trying to talk to him because he ignores her and she feels that life here with him is so negative that she doesnt even want to be around him any longer. He tells me that she ( my daughter ) should be learning to drive and get out and do something with her life. He is right on that. I don't force her to do anything because she gets so upset. Im not pretending that Ive been a very good parent. Ive never been able to force any issue on any of my kids. I hate to see them unhappy and so I guess Im more like a friend than a parent. I have been trying to talk out whatever else that is bugging my husband for that last 9 months but seem to always hit a brick wall. I have told him Im sorry and I am wrong and how can I fix this but he always tells me to not be sorry for who I am ( what does that mean? ) he wont tell me anymore. This morning I tried again. I told him that I have obviously really hurt him in the past by nagging when I dont understand some of the things he does and being an unpleasant person in general, but I am willing to do anything to make up for it. However, outside of just being a crab I don't really know what Ive done or even what the hump I can do about it at this point. He brought up the Motorbike he bought with the intention of me learning to drive it 2 years ago. I hate Motorbikes and really can't see myself on one but if that is what is bugging him then I will learn to drive it. I will do anything he wants, his way except ignore my child for him. I know this whole thing sounds screwy and believe me I feel like im in the middle of some screwed up nightmare but inspite of what my parents think of him and my friends and children, I love this man and want this crap to work out. As for the money issue..he is not an American. He is from Glasgow Scotland and they just don't spend money like most of us here do. It scares him to spend. Im the opposite, so if him holding on to what we have makes him feel more secure than more power to him. Who cares anyway.. it's just money. At this point I think that at the end of the day..no matter what happens I need to be able to stand on my own two feet and move on if it's divorce that he wants. I just wish he would just go if that is what he is going to do. Instead he says dumb crap like " im still here arent I ? " What a crappy statement that is really. Yeah.. he is physically still here but he has been gone for a long time. Every time I try to talk to him he starts going on about my daughter and I laughing and talking and when he comes in the room she just leaves. Well thats true she does leave but what does that have to do with him and me? he always says when I ask that question that he is not part of the team and so he will just go to his room. Thats just wonderful and so here I sit wondering how the hell I can fix this. :scratchhead:


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## Corina (May 15, 2008)

Ouch! "i'm still here, aren't i" is a really crappy answer, and i have to admit that i've used it myself in the past. It was one of those 'be happy that i'm here at all, and don't push it cuz that could change' answers. One to make me look like I was in control of the situation, when actually i was scared sh*tless.

I would still try to push the 'we need to sit down and really talk at a mutally agreed upon time' topic. That way you both have some time to figure out exactly what you want to ask & say in advance. No one can give a snide reply and walk out of the room then. Even adults fall into the patterns of kids and discuss the way kids do. You both need to make an effort to talk like grown-ups with each other and show some respect.

Maybe this is something that your daughter needs to get involved with as well. You and your husband talking for an hour together first, and then bringing your daughter into the conversation.

If it's not possible for them to even talk to each other, then something major needs to change!


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