# Need your feedback Men...and women's opinion also appreciated



## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

So my husband has been distant over the past month or so.

I don't believe that he is having a PA. I have suspicions of an EA but have not been able to prove it.

I have increased our sexual activity...frequency, new things, etc. It's been great for me but I'm not sure how it is for him. It seems like I'm initiating it more now. And of course that concerns me.

We had a "talk" this past weekend and I told him about his distance and how it concerns me. Of note, he has been going through this process of getting a promotion and recently found out that he did not make the cut but they would be hiring again as the need arises and the current list of applicants that made it through the testing, interview, etc would be kept. Here's the thing. My husband is addicted to smoking "pot" which he has had to give up for this. He stopped smoking last November. His behavior now is almost the same as the behavior he had when he first stopped smoking. When we had our "Talk", he put some of the blame on his addiction and stated that he wanted to smoke again but couldn't because of his work. At this point, could he still be going through drug withdrawal? Or is this a load of crap he is feeding me just to get me off his back? 

Also, he stated that he was happy with our relationship and that we have been together now for 17 years and that I shouldn't be so "needy". He even said that he sometimes wished that I would be more distant. WTF!!!!!

Help, what is going on with him? Or is it ME?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I think the combination of not getting the job promotion (which is a really big deal for most men) and not being able to suck on his pacifier (AKA pot) are a big deal for him. I imagine the pot helped him calm down and relax. Maybe he could go to the doctor to get an anti-anxiety medication. Maybe he needs to see a counselor to learn how to gain better control of his emotions.
I would give him some time to sort out his feelings and deal with the adjustment of losing both of these things.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Thanks Brian for your feedback. I really appreciate it!

He gave up smoking in November. Should he still be feeling like this?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Maybe, I would say it is more of a reaction to not geting the job promotion.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Actually the main ingredient in pot (TetraHydroCannabinol) is available in a capsule now.

It's legal to prescribe it.

The name of the medication is Marinol.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Conrad, Yes I believe I have heard of Marinol and though it is legal, it would still be detected in his system. I don't think that his company wants to hire someone who is addicted to this type of "med".


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its the fact that he didn't get the promotion. He gave up something he was doing for years to better himself and it didn't work. Hes probley feeling a bit depressed and pissed off.

pot out of your system in 30 days and his physical addiction is over but his physicological addiction could take much longer.

nows the time to start looking for a new job. hes clean so that won't be a problem he just need some confidence to get him motivated.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

alwaysnforever said:


> Also, he stated that he was happy with our relationship and that we have been together now for 17 years and that I shouldn't be so "needy". He even said that he sometimes wished that I would be more distant. WTF!!!!!


My H has described me as having the personality of a cat...that I like to be around people on my own terms. I've told him that he is one of the few people on the planet that I can be around consistently and never tire of. But he's come to recognize over the years that when I plug into music and have time to myself, it's not a reflection on how I feel about him. I do think having this type of personality, we need to be aware of how it could appear to our SO though. Would your H be this way at all?

I'd suggest either giving him some distance (but it sounds like you're feeling hurt/resentful about this), or ask him to explain further what he meant. Direct that WTF you wrote here back at him. 

Music is my escape/way of having my own space and dealing with thoughts. Smoking pot was probably this for your H. Without his 'crutch' to help him with the job stress, he might be finding it hard.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you spending 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household-related things? You have to give him a reason to want to be with you. Get out of your rut. Go on walks. Grease the talking wheels. Start a hobby together. He's at the point in his life where he's starting to wonder is that all there is? 

As for the EA, are you checking the phone records to see one number called all the time? Checking emails?


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Heartsbreaking: Yes my husband is completely fine being on his own and yes it sounds like he has the same personality as you...things are done in his own terms. You're probably right about giving him some distance with the stress he has recently had to deal with and not having his "crutch" to help him deal with the situation. However, you are also right and I am hurt and resentful that he has distanced himself from me. I recently found part of a conversation he had with an old high school friend on FB and it's made me think that he is now having an EA with her. 

Turnera, I don't have access to his FB which is where I believe he is in contact with an old high school friend. I am checking emails, phone logs, etc and have found nothing...but he knows I have access to those so I'm sure he's not going to use those for communication...if there is someone else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then you need to install a keylogger on his computer so you can have his keystrokes emailed to you discretely.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> Then you need to install a keylogger on his computer so you can have his keystrokes emailed to you discretely.


I've been looking into WebCatcher 7 but I am VERY nervous that he may be able to find that I installed it. If I am wrong about my suspicions then it will only make matters worse.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Or he has a prepaid phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look. If your husband is not investing in your marriage, it is your DUTY to investigate and find out why. You are not working AGAINST him by checking, you are working FOR the salvation of a marriage that he, himself, vowed to protect.

If he IS cheating, even emotionally, then he is like a drug addict, and he NEEDS you to help himself from himself. Just like you would any other addict, you have to remove the drug (other woman) so he can come back to himself.

And unless he's an IT guy, he will not find keyloggers; that's exactly why they are made the way they're made - so no one will know. I installed one once and tried to find it to remove it, and couldn't.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> Look. If your husband is not investing in your marriage, it is your DUTY to investigate and find out why. You are not working AGAINST him by checking, you are working FOR the salvation of a marriage that he, himself, vowed to protect.
> 
> If he IS cheating, even emotionally, then he is like a drug addict, and he NEEDS you to help himself from himself. Just like you would any other addict, you have to remove the drug (other woman) so he can come back to himself.
> 
> And unless he's an IT guy, he will not find keyloggers; that's exactly why they are made the way they're made - so no one will know. I installed one once and tried to find it to remove it, and couldn't.


Which keylogger did you use? He's not an IT guy as a career...BUT he is VERY computer savvy.

Also, did you eventually get the keylogger off of the computer. My H is constantly adding, deleting, upgrading things on the computer and IF I did decide to install a keylogger, I would definitely want to un-install it when I was done with it. There is too great of a chance of him finding it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only time I ever saw it again was when the computer had to be wiped and reloaded.

Again, I will reiterate, what are you afraid of? Maybe that's closer to the real problem in your marriage than him cheating.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> The only time I ever saw it again was when the computer had to be wiped and reloaded.
> 
> Again, I will reiterate, what are you afraid of? Maybe that's closer to the real problem in your marriage than him cheating.


I would definitely have to un-install it. He's the one who usually does the cleaning up and/or reloading of computer stuff and I would DIE if he found it.

And not sure what it is that may be "closer to the real problem".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are apparently terrified of your husband knowing you felt it necessary to check up on him.

That means that you two are NOT BEST FRIENDS.

If you were best friends, you would feel entitled to check up on your best friend and, if he found out you WERE checking up on him, you'd say 'Damn RIGHT I'm checking - you're actiing like a single man, and I don't appreciate it.'

So, is the real problem that you had a great relationship and he got taken over by an alien, or is there more of a problem wherein you cannot be yourself with him and tell him what you feel?


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

turnera said:


> You are apparently terrified of your husband knowing you felt it necessary to check up on him.
> 
> That means that you two are NOT BEST FRIENDS.
> 
> ...


Turnera, your points are definitely valid. However, a big part of the issues we are having in our marriage is due to my years of insecurity. I have accused my H for things that he didn't do nor did I ever have any proof that he did. So I can understand where he has become fed up with my insecurities. I have recently started going to IC to work on my issues. Part of what I need to do is allow my husband some privacy. I do need to work on trusting him. I have informed him of this and for me to install spyware on the computer will only show him that I am not making any progress and not honest in what I have stated I was going to do.

It took my years to finally admit that I...ME...have issues. It's difficult as I want control and know everything he does. But I also need to learn to be strong with myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? It explains how to keep a marriage fresh and important and vital so that no one NEEDS to look at other women or men. Maybe if you incporate its tenets he will stop looking around and will join you in improving your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

On the other hand, maybe he's been cheating all along...


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