# Spouse can not move past the affair!



## usnboone (Dec 28, 2016)

Dear Whomever can give advice:

I'm posting this so I can get different opinions on how I should approach this situation....

I had affair over 3 years ago. My spouse and I have reconciled and are working through it. There are very difficult times though when we talk and the affair keeps being thrown back in my face. (Example) We were talking about going on dates. I would say that we don't have the money to go out on a date this month. That created the argument where it was thrown in my face that I would take money out of my families life to make the affair happy! This is constantly being thrown in my face. Comparing my spouse and my family to the person I had the affair with.

How can I stop that and how can I deal with it when it is brought up in the conversation or argument?

Sincerely,

Loving Spouse


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What did you do to reconcile? Did you go to counseling, either together or individually? 

How did your spouse find out? Did your spouse catch you or did you confess out of guilt?

How much money would you say you used to spend on your affair partner? Do you offer your spouse transparency when it comes to money, electronics, social media etc?

Sounds to me like your spouse is still harboring a lot of anger over your actions, so I'm not entirely sure you had a healthy reconciliation or if everything was simply swept under the rug.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

And just to add, you need to do all the heavy lifting. So you damn well better find the funds to take your spouse out on a date once a month.

Stop buying cigarettes, coffee, just cut down on something. Anything. Yes it's that important.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you say you had an affair over 3 years ago. I have some questions:

What kind of affair and how long did it last? 
When and how did your spouse find out about it? 
How long has it been since you went 100% no-contact of any type with your affair partner?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> And just to add, you need to do all the heavy lifting. So you damn well better find the funds to take your spouse out on a date once a month.
> 
> Stop buying cigarettes, coffee, just cut down on something. Anything. Yes it's that important.


^^^ this. Even if there was no affair in this circumstance you should be looking to take your W out for a date at least once a month. Dates don't need to be $150.00 ever time either. Us your imagination.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

usnboone,

Were all the details of the affair told to your spouse? Nothing will keep a betrayed spouse from recovering like feeling that the wayward is still lying to them. This includes lying by omission.

Bear in mind too that an affair is worse than death to the person who is cheated on, we almost always come to terms with the death of a loved one but even years or decades later the memory of an affair still burns.

So please do not expect your spouse to just get over it or impose your schedule for when they should be healed on them.

Although the affair was 3 years ago how long ago did your spouse find out? 

Tamat


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

2x4

If you don't want to deal with the repercussions, why did you have the affair? That choice was all yours.
You need to show your spouse that you own that choice, and are working to change yourself and make amends. You need to show the necessary remorse and open up your life to your spouse to rebuild the trust.



Non-2x4

3 years since the affair is a decent amount of time, and the affair shouldn't be thrown in the spouses face if the two of you have both been open, honest, and working hard on your marriage. Some say the recovery time after an affair is between 2-5 years, so it's not out of the question that there's still difficulties.

Another poster asked if you went to counseling, do you still do so? Do you or your spouse continue to go to Individual Counseling? Same question for couples Marriage Counseling.


I also have the same questions as Rowan and PhillyGuy above.


Sounds like there are many unresolved issues at play, that only you and your spouse can dig up and discuss.

Best place to discuss them is in front of a counselor.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

usnboone said:


> Dear Whomever can give advice:
> 
> I'm posting this so I can get different opinions on how I should approach this situation....
> 
> ...


Suck it up. You did it, you pay the price.

Just say, calmly, "Yes. I know. I did a bad thing to you, to our marriage, to our family."

Touch them on the arm and say: "Thank you for giving me a chance that I didn't really deserve."


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There's no timetable. The fall-out from an affair can last for years (three is not many). Triggers can last even longer, unfortunately. Some people take longer than others to heal. The person causing the pain wants it all to go away quickly and for things to return to normal. But that's not how it works. There's no going back. You have to create a new marriage. The old one's gone. 

You've been given a gift that not everyone who cheats gets. So accept that it will take your spouse as long as it takes. There's no hurrying this. If that's not something you think you can handle without resentment then you have the option to end it. It's also possible your spouse will decide at some point it's just not working. That happens. Time will tell. In the meantime you should be doing all you can to rebuild trust. That's very slow to return. 

Reconciliation is a hard road and isn't for everyone. Make sure you're doing everything you possibly can (and then some) to help your spouse get through this.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

mattmatt said:


> suck it up. You did it, you pay the price.
> 
> Just say, calmly, "yes. I know. I did a bad thing to you, to our marriage, to our family."
> 
> touch them on the arm and say: "thank you for giving me a chance that i didn't really deserve."


Bingo.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

usnboone said:


> Dear Whomever can give advice:
> 
> I'm posting this so I can get different opinions on how I should approach this situation....
> 
> ...


A couple of things...

1) You might be _reconcil*ing*_, but you're certainly not _reconcil*ed*_, at least not yet; if that were the case, your wife wouldn't be making comments like this. 

2) I realize that you were just giving an example, but it sounds like you need to find some money to take your wife out on a decent date... because she has a point, and a damn good one.

Also consider answering some of the questions asked by others here, especially the questions asked by @Rowan and @PhillyGuy13 above, and most especially this one:

Are you still in contact w/ your AP _at all_?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

usnboone:
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, look at these comments as they ring so true.

The thing here is that, if after three years your spouse (and you are lucky to have one at this point) is still throwing this in your face it's because it isn't resolved and you need to start addressing why. These comments are your spouse venting out the hurt and anger they are still harboring as a result of your deceptions. Instead of asking how to make it stop what you should be doing is focusing on creating better communication with your spouse so they feel safe talking about what is bothering them and help them get past the hurdles. If these comments stop before you find a way to resolve them its not a good sign, as chances are your spouse has probably checked out at that point and is already looking at D for their next option.

I speculate that if these feelings are coming out in such destructive ways its because the issues haven't been dealt with and this venting is the only way that your spouse can relieve some of the pressure. This is on you not your spouse. You have failed to do he heavy lifting if your spouse still doesn't have an open line of communication with you. It is up to you to rebuild that trust and create that safe place for your spouse. Thank your spouse everyday for giving you a second chance. Own your mistakes and accept them, remember, when the crap gets thrown in your face it's because you deserve it. You caused that hurt, you perpetrated that betrayal. I don't say this to attack you, I say this to remind you what is going through your spouses mind right now and will continue to go through their mind until the real root of the issue is resolved. This is why it is so important to openly discuss the affair not rug sweep it. so many waywards try to rugsweep thinking it will be the easiest way to get past it but all that does is leave a million unanswered questions in the mind of the BS. Questions that they will try to rationalize to themselves for years to come. This ends up causing so much psychological damage to the BS because they start to doubt everything in their lives from their relationships to themselves.

You are 3 years out and you are getting to the point where you figure that you've paid your penance and its time to get the forgiveness you've earned, but here's the thing, right now your spouse is still ruminating on what happened and the longer that goes on the more likely it is that they will eventually come to the decision that they can't get past it and decide to move to D. If you want to avoid that you need to start opening those lines of communication and create that safe place for them to get everything out on the table without gas lighting, trickle truth or defensiveness. 

It never ceases to amaze me how many waywards think they are protecting their BS by withholding information. The thing is though, most people are smart enough to see when common sense doesn't fit into the story they have gotten. When those seeds of doubt germinate they turn into a garden of disbelief and mistrust. it is your job to be the gardener, working hard everyday to weed and water that garden and make sure the only thing left to grow and flourish is the flowers of the relationship you want. 

Every time you hear one of these comments from now on recognize it for what it is, an opportunity. These comments are your spouse crying out for communication and you need to jump on that opportunity. "Dear spouse, I hear the pain in your comment, pain I have caused. Is there anything that you want to talk about that has brought this pain up? Is there something that has triggered this feeling that I can help you deal with? is there some way I can take the burden of this pain from you?"

Good luck.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

You CAN’T make the comments stop. If she still ‘throws it in your face’ you haven’t worked hard enough for forgiveness, you haven’t done enough to make her feel safe. IF you are given the gift of reconciliation, you have to work you’re a$$ off to change future behavior. You CANNOT change the past. The only thing that you can do is be better going forward. If you are not being better, you do not deserve that gift. You have no idea what she’s felt, what she’s been through, what she still goes through on a daily basis JUST TO BE WITH YOU. You shattered her love, your marriage and her self esteem. It is now your job to lay your life on the line to build that back up. If you cannot, let her go. Let her be with someone who she could be happier with.

As far as saying you don’t have money for dates. I get SO sick of hearing things like that. Dates don’t have to cost a penny. Go for a walk and have a picnic in the park, find a free concert on the town square and go, here around Thanksgiving they had a turkey bowling competition for charity that was 5 bucks. Do you have an outdoor garden you could walk around and take pictures at? We have an airport here in town that has free festivals often. Drive out to the country and find some horses to pet. There’s a large gazebo in a park in my town where street performers gather, do you have something like that that you can go sit in and people watch? Go have a cup of coffee and TALK without staring at your phone. Around here, putt-putt golf is super cheap. We have several reservoirs in town that we can go for walks at, skip rocks, watch the sunset with a bottle of wine. Tell her to put on a favorite outfit and you dress nicely and go somewhere pretty in town and take a camera roll full of pictures of each other and selfies together. Then develop the pictures and have them all put in a collage frame as an unexpected gift. 

Get off you’re a$$ and show her you choose HER, every day. Apologize non stop and ask how you can help her. It’s not about YOU.


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

I found out almost 2 years ago and in our case it's not money that she spent on them but not us but attention. 
She would say we didn't have time for things, she hurt to much from work or didn't feel good but soon as her "friends" wanted to hangout those things were never a problem that stopped her from going. Now she don't have any affairs but still not actively trying to fix things.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

I missed some of what I tried to say. There is no way of knowing how long it will take and things being a reminder of what happened can be a big setback and pain.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

usnboone said:


> How can I stop that and how can I deal with it when it is brought up in the conversation or argument?


Just say, "yes you're right and I'm sorry we don't have the money right now I'll take a second job (or a first job if you're not working) and earn extra so we can have more fun. I'll do anything you want sexually or otherwise to give you happiness and satisfaction, just say the word and I'm there. "

Expected continued verbal abuse and reminders about your transgression for some time to come and realize and accept there's not a damn thing you're going to be able to do about it except suck it up.


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## Thomas0311 (Dec 19, 2016)

I would guess that it keeps getting brought up because the full extent of the affair was not realized by the spouse.


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## jasoncampbell (Nov 8, 2012)

As others have said. Some people need the facts (not just apologies), in order to reconcile and move on - in short, your spouse needs to feel safe with you, and that's your responsibility, not the spouses, to accomplish... if your spouse is bringing it up over and over, it's likely a sign they still feel (insert emotion here, that is something you need to help them deal with: anger, fear, concern, paranoia) that is no doubt fed by your desire to gloss over things and move quickly to apology, to get to new beginnings, then moving at your desired pace towards acceptance and moving on, quicker than they are capable of. The whole "I said I'm sorry, STOP bringing this up!" doesn't do anything to help and you must realize you're not the victim here. 

Reconciliation is difficult, and it is a long process. If you get defensive when your spouse brings it up, it just builds on the negative emotions and actually makes things worse as you validate the spouses concerns (and feeling) that you're not on their side. Your best bet at defusing this is to work on your spouses emotions and let them be expressed freely. In fact, encourage them! If the spouse is bringing this up over and over to punish you, then taking the "high road" (if you can call it that) by not escalating or getting defensive, would actually work towards your goal. They will stop acting that way when they feel safe with you. That is, you need to continue to apologize, and let the spouse know you're sorry for what happened. Eventually, when the spouse knows you really mean it, they won't want to bring it up anymore than you will. It's painful and it's in the past... rather they will want to move on... and hopefully you will, together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jasoncampbell said:


> As others have said. Some people need the facts (not just apologies), in order to reconcile and move on - in short, your spouse needs to feel safe with you, and that's your responsibility, not the spouses, to accomplish... if your spouse is bringing it up over and over, it's likely a sign they still feel (insert emotion here, that is something you need to help them deal with: anger, fear, concern, paranoia) that is no doubt fed by your desire to gloss over things and move quickly to apology, to get to new beginnings, then moving at your desired pace towards acceptance and moving on, quicker than they are capable of. The whole "I said I'm sorry, STOP bringing this up!" doesn't do anything to help and you must realize you're not the victim here.
> 
> Reconciliation is difficult, and it is a long process. If you get defensive when your spouse brings it up, it just builds on the negative emotions and actually makes things worse as you validate the spouses concerns (and feeling) that you're not on their side. Your best bet at defusing this is to work on your spouses emotions and let them be expressed freely. In fact, encourage them! If the spouse is bringing this up over and over to punish you, then taking the "high road" (if you can call it that) by not escalating or getting defensive, would actually work towards your goal. They will stop acting that way when they feel safe with you. That is, you need to continue to apologize, and let the spouse know you're sorry for what happened. Eventually, when the spouse knows you really mean it, they won't want to bring it up anymore than you will. It's painful and it's in the past... rather they will want to move on... and hopefully you will, together.


I didn't want to have *any* facts or details of my wife's affair.

Just knowing she had cheated on me was enough for me, to be frank.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

OP your first post is gender neutral. Are you man or woman? 

Or are you robot?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> OP your first post is gender neutral. Are you man or woman?
> 
> Or are you robot?


Not getting that it's a bot, and I'm usually pretty good at finding bots and spammers.

Some posters prefer to remain gender neutral to protect their anonymity.

I am not in anyway suggesting that it makes any sense whatsoever to do that, considering they remain anonymous as long as they don't post personal details, I'm just saying this is what people do sometimes.


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

You said the affair happened 3 years ago. When did she find out?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> What did you do to reconcile? Did you go to counseling, either together or individually?
> 
> How did your spouse find out? Did your spouse catch you or did you confess out of guilt?
> 
> ...



OP, you should also consider how disruptive your affair was to your spouse. How many times were you late? Did you flat out stand her up? Let her down in other ways, ie claim that you could not afford something because money was spent on the affair partner?

How many stories did you tell her that you knew from her facial expressions she just could not believe?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> OP your first post is gender neutral. Are you man or woman?
> 
> Or are you robot?


Exactly what I was wondering when I read it, could be a female that cheated and not a male hard to tell from OP's writing.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Lostme said:


> Exactly what I was wondering when I read it, could be a female that cheated and not a male hard to tell from OP's writing.


I did not notice the gender neutrality since I concentrated on the fact that the BS was accused of spending money on the AP. I guess there will be some women who will regularly spend noticeable amounts of money on an affair partner.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I didn't want to have *any* facts or details of my wife's affair.
> 
> Just knowing she had cheated on me was enough for me, to be frank.


I wanted all the details. And I still don't have them. He's minimized everything. Just talking. Just hanging out. Hell, I was angry drunk texting him last night and I said he spent two hours there (1 hour, 50 minutes) and he tried to tell me he was only there a half hour. I said his maps show he was there for 1 hour 50 minutes and he's still insisting he was only there a half hour. I asked if there was sex, no. I asked if he kissed her, no. I asked if he hugged her he said he didn't know, I said that's bs, he knows if he hugged her and then he said he did.

It's the not knowing that's killing me. My imagination is driving me downright insane. The continued lies. Each lie makes me think it was more and more. I just want the truth so that I can accept it, process it and move on.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

usnboone said:


> That created the argument where it was thrown in my face that I would take money out of my families life to make the affair happy! This is constantly being thrown in my face.
> ...
> How can I stop that and how can I deal with it when it is brought up in the conversation or argument?


Work some overtime hours or take on a second job for a while? I mean, you did really take money from your wife and children to give to your lover, right? Great that you've gotten past it. Your spouse has not.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It keeps getting brought up, because it will always be in the back of her mind that you cheated. She may have forgiven, but she won't forget. And if you're doing your best to do your part in the marriage to makes things right, it's not fair for her to keep throwing it up when things don't go her way, either. I disagree that you need to jump when she snaps her fingers, because you cheated. So, to me, this is why I wouldn't reconcile, because I'd never forget, and it wouldn't be fair to my spouse to keep reminding him of the past.

At some point, you either move forward or you don't. This doesn't make her wrong, or you wrong at this point, it just is often what seems to happen I've been noticing with BS who ''forgive,'' but the relationship is never the same again, it seems.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

My WW spent hundreds of dollars on her AP. Yeah, it happens.

For making dates on a budget. Try Groupon. It took $50 of one night.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> OP your first post is gender neutral. Are you man or woman?
> 
> Or are you robot?


Yes, I wish he/she didn't go about hiding gender, but I'm going to give him/her the benefit of the doubt that he/she is doing so out of discretion.

I'm assuming OP is a dude, only because it seems to fit that his betrayed wife would be upset there is no money for dates. Or maybe I'm being a bit sexist.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

usnboone said:


> My spouse and I have reconciled and are working through it.


No, you haven't reconciled - you are working on it. Reconciliation is not a state of the relationship, it's an ongoing effort that never really ends.

Are you the husband or the wife? Yes, it matters. A few posters asked a couple other questions and I hope you answer them. We, collectively, have a lot of experience but we need a few clues to really help you with your issues.


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

My husband had an affair 4 years ago. There is not one day that goes past that I don't think about it. Every single day. We don't argue about it... it's just always there. I don't trust him with anything. It's just something that I need to deal with I suppose. so I guess I'm with your wife on this! Bottom line .. don't frigging cheat!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Cheating is absolutely the worst consciable disservice that one can propagate against the person that you had foremostly pledged all of your love, your fidelity, and, most importantly, your holy vows to!

Or is there some unknown, inherent part, very much in place, that legitimately allows one to just cross their fingers and automatically unsubscribe to any of those words of promise ~ or am I merely missing something? *


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Jeez your wife needs to get over herself! Yeah you made a mistake but it's in the past now - she needs to leave it there - in the past!







(telling OP what he wants to hear, maybe he'll be back)


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Jeez your wife needs to get over herself! Yeah you made a mistake but it's in the past now - she needs to leave it there - in the past!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I was about to write an angry rant at you until I noticed the bottom line which I at first mistook for your signature.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I discovered my wife affair just over three years ago as well. Just reading this gets me angry--not at you but at her. Its maybe not as raw, but its never going to gone. I can tell you that every time I interact with my wife, the affair is there and its ending what chance we have for reconciliation. If there is any chance, you have to show them you are different by meeting their terms and boundaries 100%. And even that might not be enough, but you play hide the cheese with them they won't even have a chance of healing it.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The fact is some people immediately forgive and move on, while other never do. This does not make them better or worse people, it's just who they are in life. You can say you want to reconcile, but it doesn't mean you can. Also, it is natural for a betrayed spouse to use it when arguments arise. If you still want to reconcile then you have to do all you can to make her feel secure. This means that you have to be totally honest with her, no half-truths or down playing your role in the affair. Don't fail to answer her questions because YOU think you are saving her feelings. If she asks for details you have to answer honest and straight forward. I recommend professional counseling, if you are not already undergoing treatment. They are the fair broker in your discussions with you spouse and lead you to recovery, this rarely happens without assistance.


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> OP your first post is gender neutral. Are you man or woman?
> 
> *Or are you robot?*


I also (often) wonder this about the one-and-done, gender neutral, short, vague posts that periodically show up here. 

Which begs the question why would someone build a robotic troll? Some kind of Frankensteinian obsession? Or has Google hit critical mass, finally become true AI and is trying to understand it's relationship with Yahoo...?

And then, realizing that I'm on a rabbit run towards a deep, dark hole, I think maybe I should stop trying to think (let alone post) before I've had my second cup of coffee this time of the morning.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I guess Gort isn't coming back. 

Klattu barada nikto!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Two ways to approach R after betrayal:

1	BOTH partners put everything into to doing all the things that R requires for a long time. Concentrating 100% on building each other up in ATTITUDE and ACTIONS = good chance at a successful relationship

2	Not doing the number above above = GUARANTEED failure and unsuccessful relationship

OP, by your posts, right now, you are in the number 2 category.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I discovered my wife affair just over three years ago as well. Just reading this gets me angry--not at you but at her. Its maybe not as raw, but its never going to gone. I can tell you that every time I interact with my wife, the affair is there and its ending what chance we have for reconciliation. If there is any chance, you have to show them you are different by meeting their terms and boundaries 100%. And even that might not be enough, but you play hide the cheese with them they won't even have a chance of healing it.


Three years is long enough to attempt reconciliation now that you know it has failed. If you just keep going along, toughing it out, the problem becomes one of becoming accustomed to being sad, angry, and full of regret. Then a decade goes by and your resentment becomes part of you and leaving becomes harder. 

Don't throw away any more of your life. Walk away today and you start healing tomorrow. Whatever the entanglements & issues you have to face with the divorce can be resolved and, most importantly, are finite - they will end and you will be able to move forward. I urge you to take a stand for your own peace and well-being now before you waste another day.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

There is nothing you can do to stop your wife from mentioning it. It will take time and a lot of effort and trust needs to be earned on your part. 

There is nothing sweeter, sexier, nicer than when a man puts a lot of thought and effort into something. It's not about money. Dates don't have to be expensive. You should be going on dates more than once a month btw. You can look up ways to woe your wife, free date ideas, romantic things to do for wife. The internet is full of ideas for you. There is no excuse!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

itskaren said:


> My husband had an affair 4 years ago. There is not one day that goes past that I don't think about it. Every single day. We don't argue about it... it's just always there. I don't trust him with anything. It's just something that I need to deal with I suppose. so I guess I'm with your wife on this! Bottom line .. don't frigging cheat!


Yes, it's something that you just don't get over and it's not an issue again. You will find that this will be a recurring issue that you will have to deal with over and over. It's doesn't go away. Trust will likely never return completely again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Speaking as a moderator

As it's been 6 days since OP posted their one and only post this thread will now be locked. 

If OP decides to return and desires a discussion they can PM a mod and the thread will be unlocked


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