# Tried our first MC-confused



## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi my husband and I tried our first MC session yesterday and it was very confusing. The therapist was speaking about my husband being an abandoner type person and he for once didn't react. He has been willing to go to therapy, but when i appear like I want to work on things, he doesn't trust it and thinks I am only doing it to save the marriage which is the truth but I want to be a better person too. He has been immersed in work and left the session soon after to go back to work. He also has to find another place to stay as he is in a hotel now. 

I sent him this email at noon today and he hasn't yet responded at 8 pm this evening now in the UK:
This is what I wrote him:

"Thank you so much for taking the time and effort in speaking with me last night. You were so patient and attentive throughout the therapy and on our phone call. I also admire your trust in the therapist and your thoughts around saying "let her do her thing" , you were brilliant even though you were so tired. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with you because you are so wise. (Only one of the reasons I fell in love with you shaggy)
I hope you were able to sleep through the night and that you were comfortable. It was so nice seeing you yesterday after such a long time.

I want you to know that I totally understand how you are feeling. I know you are skeptical, it is totally understandable. Nothing that we have tried has worked. All my promises and efforts didn't work either. I feel this time is different as we aren't moving apart angry or hurt but to allow us to heal and maybe reconcile and have our safe place while we work on our issues and if not we move apart forever and we have our safe homes.
I've analysed how I've done things in the past and how it has been rushed and not structured and done in part by my fear of losing you and thinking I could do it but all my fears and insecurities have halted my progress.
I'm trying very hard to conquer my struggles and I can also see how supportive you were yesterday and even though you had to run off, you were so kind to acknowledge it and send me a text. Your communication with me has been amazing and I so appreciate it and I need to tell you this more often.
I'm also beginning to understand how you work and how I interpret the way you are to be uncaring when in fact that is not true. This has been the biggest breakthrough for me. It may seem small for you but for me it clears up a lot of my interpretations of you on my end from the past. I want to continue to learn more about you and myself. I hope and pray we can conquer this and that all that suffering we both have gone through will be behind us because we deserve to be happy and I still hold hope for that and I even dream about how we look as happy.
I know what we are doing this time is right. It feels right to heal and really conquer the issues we have and I trust that we both can do this, if the beginning is an example of how it is going then I am very pleased with the way we have started off on this journey, yesterday being day 1 of 90 days. 
All I know is I can see so much effort on your part and it really helps me tremendously. I'm sure I will have wobbly days and that is where the true work will begin for me; I sometimes don't tell you about my wobbly days as they pass and I deal with them and I can deal with these in a way that is healthy and good for our marriage. 
I do hope we can rebuild this marriage and rebuild ourselves individually.

I love you very much. I care for you very much and I promise you that I will do my best to conquer this even though sometimes I feel hopeless and I totally understand why you would be skeptical and what is different now? Only time will really tell and I promise to be totally honest and not sugar coat anything. I want you to want to be with me and trust me when you feel it in your gut because that's what you will get from me is total honesty and appreciation.

You also told me that I was able to do med school and move here so if I can do that, surely I can conquer these head on. That was helpful, thanks for reminding me last night.

I hope you are having a good day and that you felt as good about last night and yesterday as I did. A small start but good one.
I love you"


I haven't heard back probably because he gets so many emails. The one thing I keep thinking about is yes he needs his space and time, but he promised to put the marriage on the front burner not the back burner. Is one day a week MC enough for 90 days? I am doing IC as well but he doesn't know what to do with his anger, but he doesn't have the time to do therapy, he is willing to read books. Any suggestions?

I don't want my marriage to end, but it isn't really in my hands he is waiting for me to change my behaviour to see if it is authentic. 

Any advice would help


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Atilia said:


> Hi my husband and I tried our first MC session yesterday and it was very confusing. The therapist was speaking about my husband being an abandoner type person and he for once didn't react. He has been willing to go to therapy, but when i appear like I want to work on things, he doesn't trust it and thinks I am only doing it to save the marriage which is the truth but I want to be a better person too. He has been immersed in work and left the session soon after to go back to work. He also has to find another place to stay as he is in a hotel now.
> 
> I sent him this email at noon today and he hasn't yet responded at 8 pm this evening now in the UK:
> This is what I wrote him:
> ...


I think you haven't heard back because he doesn't want to answer. He may get lots of emails, but I'm pretty sure he would have noticed yours.

I hate to say it, but you came across as quite needy in your email. You spent a lot of words telling him what a wonderful guy he is. Your MC referred to him as an abandoner, from which I infer that he left you. How wonderful is that? 

I don't know your story, but you say he (the abandoner) is waiting for you to change. What is he doing to improve things. Or does he blame you for everything that went wrong in the marriage?

I would stop contacting him unless you have to for financial, child-related or other crucial issues. Continue with MC. Be friendly. But don't tell him how terrific he is or that you love him. This will only push him away.

Work on yourself, for yourself, not for him. If you are hoping for R, don't tell him you will change/have changed. Show him. Be strong. Don't let on that you need him.


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