# Something I wrote for my wife...



## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

I'm trying to make sense of what I cannot make sense of. My wife and I had an incredible relationship up until the point in Fall of 2008 where we lost our first child - our daughter - at birth.

We're still living together - papers have been filed - but I'm not certain either one of us truly knows what we want. 

Anyway, I wrote the following for her - what do you think?

"I feel like the sun was shining on us when we met and those perfect, sunny days carried us forward, but when we lost her we became lost in the fog and at first we clung to one another tightly because the world was suddenly so dark and scary but as life became “normal” again – we loosened our grip and we allowed ourselves to “drift” a little. We could still see one another and we still moved forward through the fog together. I feel like we lost sight of one another at one point – maybe I allowed myself to wander away – I heard you call out for me – but I couldn’t get back to you. I kind of feel like I left you alone in the fog and it was never because I didn’t want to find you – I just couldn’t figure out how to do it. It was like my feet were paralyzed – I was afraid of the darkness – and even though I wanted to find you I couldn’t make myself do it. You tried to call me back – you shouted my name into the fog but eventually you lost hope and you became weary of the search. Maybe you assumed I was lost forever – maybe because I wanted to be lost – but you came to the point where you realized you had to venture off on your own and you did and it was maybe okay. I was finally able to break free when I realized you had stopped calling my name. I put aside my fear and apprehension and went looking for you – but you were gone and I was scared and upset because I felt like you had abandoned me to an uncertain fate. I just stood there – peering through the dim haze – cursing you for leaving me – but then I remembered that you had been calling me and calling me and I hadn’t come. I realized you had been looking for me and it was my own fears that had kept me from answering your call and I was filled with an incredible urge to find you so I set off into the fog myself – but you were gone and you didn’t want to be found. You had found that the mystery around the next corner was both frightening and exciting. You found power in being able to explore on your own – but also sadness and fear knowing that your new path was uncertain. I kept looking – and sometimes I thought I felt your presence – like you were looking right at me through the fog but when I turned in your direction you were gone or sometimes I felt your breath touch my cheek as you slipped silently past. I feel like I’m still in the fog – knowing I need to find my own path out of the darkness but being unable to let go of the search. It’s hard because I remember what it was like when we moved forward together and it’s hard because I know I heard you calling for me and I didn’t come back. I’m sad because I don’t know where you’ve gone – part of me hopes you’ve found your way out of the fog and you’re happy – part of me hopes you’re still out there and that maybe I’ll find you again."


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

That breaks my heart . I can't even imagine the pain and heartache you and your wife have gone through. I think you've described the feeling very well. Perhaps your story can help other bereaved parents someday so the same thing does not happen to them.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I can barely begin to imagine your pain. We had two miscarriages and a difficult birth. The closer the birth came the more we had to loose. It was difficult discussing our options. At the time, I felt fog when considering the future. My wifes sacrifice made me love her more. Thankfully our birth went well.

Definitely give the note to your wife. Keep trying to reach her. Try MC/IC/therapist/priests/whatever else might help.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

NotEasy said:


> I can barely begin to imagine your pain. We had two miscarriages and a difficult birth. The closer the birth came the more we had to loose. It was difficult discussing our options. At the time, I felt fog when considering the future. My wifes sacrifice made me love her more. Thankfully our birth went well.
> 
> Definitely give the note to your wife. Keep trying to reach her. Try MC/IC/therapist/priests/whatever else might help.


I emailed her a copy before I lost my nerve. It pretty much sums up our story very well and hopefully it underscores why I can't just give up on her. We had so much goodness together - but her loss changed us in ways we could not comprehend. I know I put up emotional barriers to protect myself from being hurt again but that just meant the more she needed me - the less of myself I was able to give.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

sargon said:


> A marriage will rarely survive the loss of a child.
> 
> This one is completely out of your control.
> 
> A letter will not change that.


I definitely know the stats - but it's been more than a letter. It's been an up-and-down struggle for 2.5 months. I have worked on recognizing my part of the story and working on changing myself.

With her or without her - I will move on as a better person - but I disagree that it is completely out of my control.

I will keep fighting the good fight until I can no longer carry on because she means that much to me.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I ache for your loss. It is so profound -tangible in your words. 

I am glad you sent the letter. 

I pray for nothing but happiness for you and your wife for the rest of your days


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Very true.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Milltown01, any update? Often talking here helps people to clarify their thoughts and desires.

I repeat my last paragraph, keep trying everything to reach your wife. The note was good, but talk, talk, talk. And try anything else that might help.

Your story really struck a cord with me. After our miscarriages, both my wife and I were frozen processing our grief. Each time we eventually talked it through and thankfully moved forward. Looking back I feel I added to my wifes pain by not talking more and sooner. Of course, the loss of a baby makes it worse, but still I think talking is essential. Freezing cripples both of you.

Even if you end up separating, it would be better to part as friends than a strangers and look back later with regret.


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