# TIPS? for Moving on in Life... adult kids... always a family



## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I've married/divorced 27/2 years. He 20/4. We both have kids 22, 19 and I have 17 year old. Mine are at college and with dad. His are with mom. We have very similar pasts. Decent long marriages that ran their course, a rebound relationship after and here we are together having a glorious time. We seem headed for marriage/long term. We both have pleasant working relationships with our ex. We started dating and both spent our Thanksgiving and Christmas with our ex/kids. We both feel a little left out of our families but for the most part everything works smoothly.

But going forward, he dreams of taking a vacation with his ex and kids. My ex has taken vacation with my kids, without me. He doesn't tell his ex/kids about me. I am very open. His mom and sister told him that no other woman is ever welcome there. He worries about his ex cuz she doesn't manage money well and they weren't as well off. I say she's not his problem anymore and he says I've never been a husband. I get that he feels indebted to taking care of her but will this always be a shadow? He says his dad took care of his mom for his whole life (they divorced when he was a teen.) My parents were married 51 years so I haven't lived under divorce.

I'd like to be understanding but it's weird to me. Seems he's sort of stuck in the past. Doesn't want to let go. I have brought this up, feeling insignificant, but that doesn't seem to be going over well. I think if it was out in the open that I exist, I might feel better. I'm sure I could be friends with his ex. I really don't feel jealous, just hidden.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

He's showing you who he is, so, as things stand right now, do you want to live this way?

You've shared your thoughts, and he's communicated his - and you're not married yet.

You can accept it, tolerate it, or leave.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeah, the thanksgiving with the ex and kids was enough. 

Life does not work that way. Me and Fiance, have TG with her kids and then with my kids, NO EXES. We just arrange the days. 

At some point, it will be all kids and grand kids at the same time, and still no EXES. 

These people that have a "Great" relationship with an ex, that is just not allowed. It is just weird and it always will be. 

I suggest you talk to him and tell him this is not where you are going and it is not going to work for you. And if he has a problem then cut him loose. 

I think people like this are emotionally stunted and it always ends up hurting the relationship...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm divorced. I have kids around the ages yours all are.

NO WAY this would work for me. Not taking a vacation with her, and not him worrying about her like that.

They are no longer married. She is not his wife. He has a new partner, you. 

I personally would end a relationship with a man who had these thoughts about an ex.

I also can't imagine having a relationship and telling my new partner I was wishing to take a vacation with my ex husband and that I still worried about him. Can't imagine that would fly very well with a boyfriend/new partner.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I'm divorced. I have kids around the ages yours all are.
> 
> NO WAY this would work for me. Not taking a vacation with her, and not him worrying about her like that.
> 
> ...


Yeah, no doubt Livvie... 

I have hear about people like this before I though it was some kind of urban myth. 

If they are such "Good Friends" why did you get divorced? 

I mean, what is even up with this concept. Hell, it pisses me off if I even have to speak to my ex on the phone much less actually see her. 

I think it is weird...


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Yeah, no doubt Livvie...
> 
> I have hear about people like this before I though it was some kind of urban myth.
> 
> ...


I think it's perfectly acceptable if that's what they want to do and the new partner is okay with it. I can understand how people that did not make good marital partners could stay good enough friends to show their children that friendship can stick around even if being romantic partners didn't. It's all about what both halves of a new relationship can and can't expect and then tolerate. If it's not ok with one, move onto the next. Pretty simple.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The kids don't know about me after 6 months of dating AND he wants to take a vacation --unchaperoned-- with his ex, time for me to fly.

What if you had an emergency and needed him. Requiring his attention at times when he would need to explain to his kids why he needs to stay away from them? They would probably wonder why their dad is wasting time with a fly by night relationship.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I think it's perfectly acceptable if that's what they want to do and the new partner is okay with it. I can understand how people that did not make good marital partners could stay good enough friends to show their children that friendship can stick around even if being romantic partners didn't. It's all about what both halves of a new relationship can and can't expect and then tolerate. If it's not ok with one, move onto the next. Pretty simple.


Hubby baby, this is why you were in the **** storm that you were in.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Hubby baby, this is why you were in the **** storm that you were in.


I didn't say that is what would or wouldn't happen in my life. I can just understand how it could be acceptable to some and not to others. I've heard of stranger things happening. 

I'd have to imagine those people who are open to something like that would have some massive boundaries to go along with it, in that acceptance.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> The kids don't know about me after 6 months of dating AND he wants to take a vacation --unchaperoned-- with his ex, time for me to fly.
> 
> What if you had an emergency and needed him. Requiring his attention at times when he would need to explain to his kids why he needs to stay away from them? They would probably wonder why their dad is wasting time with a fly by night relationship.


Yeah...this sounds very much like he's trying to hide you. 

I'm sorry to hear that and that you're in the position you're in.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I didn't say that is what would or wouldn't happen in my life. I can just understand how it could be acceptable to some and not to others. I've heard of stranger things happening.
> 
> I'd have to imagine those people who are open to something like that would have some massive boundaries to go along with it, in that acceptance.


Like I said man... Mr Nice Guy. (LOL) 

I CANNOT understand why ANYONE would do this. If you are that good of a friend why did you get divorced??? 

If my Fiancé, said she was going to see, have coffee, or go to thanks giving with an ex, I would say... "Oh, Ok. You need to go ahead and pack your stuff so you don't have to bother coming back here again!!!" 

No, NO Exes. No ex BF, no Ex GF. My girl does not even want me socializing with any other woman that I have had sex with, which I respect. 

This kind of BS just leads to trouble at some point at some time...


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Like I said man... Mr Nice Guy. (LOL)
> 
> I CANNOT understand why ANYONE would do this. If you are that good of a friend why did you get divorced???
> 
> ...


Right, and those are all boundaries you personally hold for you and your relationships. And it's WONDERFUL thing to stick to those boundaries and hold them tight to protect yourself and your feelings, etc. Other's have other boundaries that say that this kind of behavior would be acceptable to them, I'm sure and that's ok too, even if it's "weird" to others. I know I probably couldn't handle that, but if others can, more power to them. 

There are other problems in this relationship than him wanting to vacation with the ex though. 6 months in and the kids don't know about her? HUGE red flag alert. That's a problem, adding to the others.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s telling you loud and clear that this is who he is. Believe him. That means you’ll have to accept him as he is or find someone else. Just don’t think he’ll end up changing because that’s not likely.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Right, and those are all boundaries you personally hold for you and your relationships. And it's WONDERFUL thing to stick to those boundaries and hold them tight to protect yourself and your feelings, etc. Other's have other boundaries that say that this kind of behavior would be acceptable to them, I'm sure and that's ok too, even if it's "weird" to others. I know I probably couldn't handle that, but if others can, more power to them.
> 
> There are other problems in this relationship than him wanting to vacation with the ex though. 6 months in and the kids don't know about her? HUGE red flag alert. That's a problem, adding to the others.


Sometimes a wide moat around a boundary is a good idea. When I was younger, I thought just about anything was ok if it only happened from time to time. Well, that's pretty dangerous because from time to time is so ill defined. Anybody who wants to take advantage of you will of course take advantage of that. 

with my husband, I like the fact that he doesn't have any kids because it means we don't have to deal with someone who may not be interested in being cooperative. 

I've learned my lesson with predatory women. Any kind of mutual respect simply does not exist in their universe. The idea that they're "getting over" is more important to them and more fun. This is why I told my husband we could not be exclusive and that I would date other men if he doesn't get rid of that so called friend who advised him to dump me.

A friend of mine dated and then married a divorce with one child. For a couple of years before they met, he did visitation with his ex as if they were still one happy family. The ex wife did not want to stop that once he started dating my friend. Never mind that the mother had had a couple of boyfriends. The daughter told her father that she felt he was betraying her and her mother. Somehow, that sounded like words planted in her. The upshot was that the ex would not allow visitation without her presence even though the child was 14 years old. He chose my friend over his ex wife and daughter and hasn't looked back. They got married and moved country. How is that for someone being a pain in the ass.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Sometimes a wide moat around a boundary is a good idea. When I was younger, I thought just about anything was ok if it only happened from time to time. Well, that's pretty dangerous because from time to time is so ill defined. Anybody who wants to take advantage of you will of course take advantage of that.
> 
> with my husband, I like the fact that he doesn't have any kids because it means we don't have to deal with someone who may not be interested in being cooperative.
> 
> ...


Good for your friend, but I have seen it go the other way. I have seen WEAK MEN that, I don't know, loved their ex so much, or thought that he had to subject himself to this kind of ******** for the kids. I really don't know why. 

Like is said, I let my girl know that the obiters where history the day we committed. And like I also said, no exes of any kind. Ever. 

Some people may think differently, so I guess it is good that I am not dating them...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

KrisAmiss said:


> But going forward, he dreams of taking a vacation with his ex and kids. My ex has taken vacation with my kids, without me. He doesn't tell his ex/kids about me. I am very open. His mom and sister told him that no other woman is ever welcome there. He worries about his ex cuz she doesn't manage money well and they weren't as well off. I say she's not his problem anymore and he says I've never been a husband. I get that he feels indebted to taking care of her but will this always be a shadow? He says his dad took care of his mom for his whole life (they divorced when he was a teen.) My parents were married 51 years so I haven't lived under divorce.


Nope, no and no way. He dreams of going on vacation with her?? You have to have been a husband to understand why he still needs to take care of her, feel responsible for her?? BS. It sounds like he has you believing in his dysfunction, even supporting it. People divorce for a reason and it’s not because they still want to be together which these two obviously do, or at least he does. I’m sorry but this is nuts and will cause nothing but pain for you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You say '_when we're married_',
'cause you're not bitter,
'_There'll be none of him no more_',

I cheated myself, like I knew I would....
Amy Winehouse


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

My divorce was partly my ex's fault, it was partly mine. Partly we're better off now, so it isn't a fault. I guess if I declared her Truly Evil I could dodge the blame I just owned, but I'm not that gullible or insecure.

I don't think I'd go on a vacation w/ her, but we are friends/acquaintances and my spouse is fine w/ that. There is a broad spectrum of relationships, acquaintances, friends, close friends, spouse. I think all of them are important. The world is full of women, and there is exactly one I know will not work as my spouse.

I think you can wish someone had better financial security without wanting to be intimate w/ them. Heck, I have relatives it's hard to spend an afternoon with and I still wish they had better finances. 

Things to keep in mind, you're on the internet and it's more fun to type "Dump the bastard!" then it is to type "Try to look at it his way." And, if you dump someone good, that's your loss and not ours.

I think this site is disproportionately appealing to people who've been burned, but it doesn't mean they give better advice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> My divorce was partly my ex's fault, it was partly mine. Partly we're better off now, so it isn't a fault. I guess if I declared her Truly Evil I could dodge the blame I just owned, but I'm not that gullible or insecure.
> 
> I don't think I'd go on a vacation w/ her, but we are friends/acquaintances and my spouse is fine w/ that. There is a broad spectrum of relationships, acquaintances, friends, close friends, spouse. I think all of them are important. The world is full of women, and there is exactly one I know will not work as my spouse.
> 
> ...


There's really no good way to look at this. 99.9999999999999% of intelligent, reasonable, realistic, _emotionally healthy individuals_ will advise that in an intimate, exclusive relationship, one partner wishing to go on a VACATION with their EX and still emotionally feeling like they want to look after their ex (and to understand it you'd have to have been a husband-- eye roll) is a complete no go.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Livvie said:


> There's really no good way to look at this. 99.9999999999999% of intelligent, reasonable, realistic, _emotionally healthy individuals_ will advise that in an intimate, exclusive relationship, one partner wishing to go on a VACATION with their EX


I did say I didn't want that. If he'd wanted to vacay w/ just her I'd be alarmed, but it was w/ her and the kids. I suspect he wants to give them both parents, which lots of kids want. While I still think it's not a good idea, I'm not so sure his motivation is reuniting w/ his ex.


> and still emotionally feeling like they want to *look after their ex* (and to understand it you'd have to have been a husband-- eye roll) is a complete no go.


He said he worried about her, not that he wanted to look after her. Please don't exaggerate.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

KrisAmiss said:


> I've married/divorced 27/2 years. He 20/4. We both have kids 22, 19 and I have 17 year old. Mine are at college and with dad. His are with mom. We have very similar pasts. Decent long marriages that ran their course, a rebound relationship after and here we are together having a glorious time. We seem headed for marriage/long term. We both have pleasant working relationships with our ex. We started dating and both spent our Thanksgiving and Christmas with our ex/kids. We both feel a little left out of our families but for the most part everything works smoothly.
> 
> But going forward, he dreams of taking a vacation with his ex and kids. My ex has taken vacation with my kids, without me. He doesn't tell his ex/kids about me. I am very open. *His mom and sister told him that no other woman is ever welcome there. *He worries about his ex cuz she doesn't manage money well and they weren't as well off. I say she's not his problem anymore and he says I've never been a husband. I get that he feels indebted to taking care of her but will this always be a shadow? He says his dad took care of his mom for his whole life (they divorced when he was a teen.) My parents were married 51 years so I haven't lived under divorce.
> 
> I'd like to be understanding but it's weird to me. Seems he's sort of stuck in the past. Doesn't want to let go. I have brought this up, feeling insignificant, but that doesn't seem to be going over well. I think if it was out in the open that I exist, I might feel better. I'm sure I could be friends with his ex. I really don't feel jealous, just hidden.


See bolded bit, OK, I've never been divorced, nor lived with divorced parents, But *this* I have seen. I've never seen a successful escape from the controlling mother. I'm not sure how it could be done. The key is there in the Matriarchy. Somewhere . . . .


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> I did say I didn't want that. If he'd wanted to vacay w/ just her I'd be alarmed, but it was w/ her and the kids. I suspect he wants to give them both parents, which lots of kids want. While I still think it's not a good idea, I'm not so sure his motivation is reuniting w/ his ex.
> He said he worried about her, not that he wanted to look after her. Please don't exaggerate.


I'm not exaggerating. Go back and read the OP.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I'm not exaggerating. Go back and read the OP.


You're probably right, she attributed both to him and I overlooked the second.

But not entirely clear which parts he said to her, or which parts she's projecting.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> See bolded bit, OK, I've never been divorced, nor lived with divorced parents, But *this* I have seen. I've never seen a successful escape from the controlling mother. I'm not sure how it could be done. The key is there in the Matriarchy. Somewhere . . . .


I've known men who told mama where to get off. As for "how it could be done", is this a trick question?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm not sure I'd be considering marrying a man who wanted to keep me a secret from his family and whose family has told him he can't bring anyone else around but his ex-wife. There's some weird dynamic going on there. 

It's cancelled now thanks to Corona but I did have a trip planned this summer with my kids and sort of with my exH. Two of my girls were supposed to dance at Disney and we were all going to go but the 2 dancers and I were staying in a totally separate hotel than my exH and my other daughter and her boyfriend. I invited my BF but he doesn't like Disney. We were gonna going to do a different trip with my kids later in the summer. But, this trip had been promised to my kids before the ex and I separated so we amended it enough to still feel comfortable going. BF had no problem with it. I'm sure he would have felt very differently about it if my exH wasn't gay and if I had been hiding him from my family.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Interesting. These posts validate my concerns but I'm not sure it's hopeless. He seems conflicted and fairly guilt ridden over breaking apart the family yet claims no regrets for divorcing. I really don't have a problem with him being friendly with his ex. I doubt he'd ever return to her regardless of if we stay together or not. It's just the question of whether I'll ever feel I've crossed into the "family" zone. I didn't feel good when my own ex/kids went on vaca without me, I doubt I'd feel good with him. But he introduced me to his brother, so I'm not completely a secret anymore. We're not young chickens. You'd think they'd be happy for him.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

KrisAmiss said:


> Interesting. These posts validate my concerns but I'm not sure it's hopeless. He seems conflicted and fairly guilt ridden over breaking apart the family yet claims no regrets for divorcing. I really don't have a problem with him being friendly with his ex. I doubt he'd ever return to her regardless of if we stay together or not. It's just the question of whether I'll ever feel I've crossed into the "family" zone. I didn't feel good when my own ex/kids went on vaca without me, I doubt I'd feel good with him. But he introduced me to his brother, so I'm not completely a secret anymore. We're not young chickens. You'd think they'd be happy for him.


You know, being guilt ridden about braking up the family... Why? was it his fault? Did he cheat? Did she? Did he stop having sex with her or did she stop having sex with him? Who fell out of love first.

Honestly, you last post sounds like you are willing to accept less than you should in a relationship.

Not only do I NOT HAVE ANY REGRETS ABOUT DIVORCING my ex wife, I know I did every I could. I don't really hate the woman, I just don't want to be reminded that she exists. My kid got to know my Fiancé the moment that we decided to be together, she is the number one priority of my life now, my kids are grown, they can fend for themselves. I am here if they need advice or help, and they do often which is cool and fine. But everyone in my life know that SHE is my priority she is my significant other and will be from now on unless something happens.

Can you say that you feel like that to him????

When you divorce you should move on.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

KrisAmiss said:


> Interesting. These posts validate my concerns but I'm not sure it's hopeless. He seems conflicted and fairly guilt ridden over breaking apart the family yet claims no regrets for divorcing. I really don't have a problem with him being friendly with his ex. I doubt he'd ever return to her regardless of if we stay together or not. It's just the question of whether I'll ever feel I've crossed into the "family" zone. I didn't feel good when my own ex/kids went on vaca without me, I doubt I'd feel good with him. But he introduced me to his brother, so I'm not completely a secret anymore. We're not young chickens. You'd think they'd be happy for him.


Not much he can do about his parents or siblings, he didn't choose them and doesn't control them. 

Of course he does control how he reacts to them. Your spouse usually has some ties to his family, and a reasonable person will give a little latitude where they're concerned, but if he treats you badly b/c they want him to, that's on him.

The Mom and sister sound nuts, don't know what you have to gain from anything to do w/ them.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

I'm in a wait and see mode. We're so removed from them that it's possible to keep me a secret. Mom & sister are out of state, his ex is north of the city and mine are south. We spend a ton of time together and it's this weird insulated us that is linked to two families. I don't know that my mom/sister would be all that receptive to him either. Religious Southern women. We have so much in common. I guess that's why it's working.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

I would not be able to deal with that situation at all...i have a need to be #1, not 2nd...not ever

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