# Stuck somewhere between the gears. And don't know even if there is gas in the car



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

So I fell in love with my first girlfriend at 15. Married her at 28. And she divorced me at 36. There are always a lot of factors. She owns but we never lived alone. Her cousin lived there to help with rent.

When I got married I guess I had issues with depression and didn't know. I never matured to reach my potential and I stopped loving myself. I was not happy. 
I was far from the perfect partner but I was loyal. Faithful and true.

She asked me to move out for two weeks. She then sent me an email saying to divorce. I was shocked and devastated.
My pleads didn't help at all. I called and called and she said she didnt love me.

I always felt our love was true but I had to believe her or else why would she hurt me so much. So on my last call to her sometime 6 months ago. I asked "well at least as a friend can you try to heal my pain and just tell me where I went wrong. I feel like we were on a boat, I got into the water and then the boat just left me. So I'm wondering why?"

She began to cry and said "love has never been the problem it's that you won't change"

I told her " I love you with all my heart and you have always been the love of my life and one day I will return a changed man. I will divorce you because that's what you want but once I'm a complete man and at my best I will return for you"

She said "I won't believe you"

I then said "well that time is not now and I have work to do. But I promise I will remind you why you loved me so much. "

And I have not heard from her at all.

She did divorce me and I accepted my faults. I made a list of what I need to change. And dealing with my faults head on and I have come along way. I went from working a part time job. To 2 part time jobs and a full load of classes in school. I will graduate with a BS this year.

Behavior faults such as gambling, feeling down, unmotivated etc are out the window

I wake up loving her and go to sleep missing her. I miss her arms, her smile her heart.

But I try to build and focus on myself and I realize that before I can even think of getting her back I must bring myself back. And I do ok. I like myself now. 
I still need work but I'm getting there.

My sister works with her but I try not to ask her anything because I'm bigger than that .
Only conversation I ever had with her was close to valentine. I told her all my feelings my desires my dreams and what I'm doing. I said "call me crazy but after 20 years I know her and in her eyes I saw love for me I think I have a small chance but it will take time"

She said "well no one knows for sure but I think you have a chance"

My dad woke me up about 2 months ago and said "I talked to your sister. She talked to your ex at work and she still loves you and she hopes you do change and she's giving you time to see what changed you make but neither her or your sister want you to know because they feel it will stop your growth"

All I know for sure is that she is not dating so it was not another man. And she has gotten closer to her family


I do have faults. But I am a great man. I'm loyal. Faithful, true, honest, loving (I show more of this because of my progress but I know my ex didn't get what she deserves)

What I've changed : motivation, gambling, keeping feelings bottled up

What I need to change; self image, finish school, financial situation 

If the problem is me.... Well im fixing myself slowly and honestly

I guess it's the not knowing that gives me a hard time. And the emptiness my heart has because I feel I still have not given all I have.
When all this is over she will have to turn me down. But it will be as a complete man

I guess I just need some female insight because I don't get that at all.

Ps I honestly feel that my love is special just like hers. I believe in my promise of marriage. If this is a test of my love well I give myself an A+. She never answered my questions she left me so concussed and added to my mental issues. But I'm a strong man
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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I know you have gone through a lot and I don't eant to sound harsh, but you're in your late 30's and you still need to change your image, finish school and do something with your financial situation (and maybe find a place to live so you don't need your dad to wake you up)?

If you haven't done it yet, how long do you think she will wait? Let her go and either fix yourself or accept you are who you are and fin a woman who will accept you for that.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> I know you have gone through a lot and I don't eant to sound harsh, but you're in your late 30's and you still need to change your image, finish school and do something with your financial situation (and maybe find a place to live so you don't need your dad to wake you up)?
> 
> If you haven't done it yet, how long do you think she will wait? Let her go and either fix yourself or accept you are who you are and fin a woman who will accept you for that.


I know it sounds worse than it really is about my personal situation. I don't owe a lot of money but I don't make a lot either but I will soon. Letting her go is not up to me, she is her own person and she is gone.
A woman accepting me for who I am? 

Well This is not possible when I myself do not accept myself for who I am. I am in no hurry to date. I have little to offer but in a little while (within a year) I will.

My focus is on myself not others. I guess I needed this to see my flaws.

My dad waking me up (I was awake and he does come in to talk to me).

Your advice is sound and honest but I know all of that. I guess I was just looking to see why a person would divorce another in that manner more than anything.
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