# Do you ask yourself, Why the hell I married my Spouse?



## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Good Morning All,

its been 5 years since I met wife and got married, we have two beautiful kids age 8 months and 2 years. wife does not work and I pay for her schooling (she is taking two classes). she got what may be everyone looking for, nice car, nice house, educated husband, and big family.
I work full time, and I go to school also finishing up my dual Master degrees at one of the top school in America. 
Wife always complaining, about everything, about me how i dont like to go out much and how I dont help her out such as bathing the babies and waking up in middle of the night to feed the small one. its always about nagging, she never held a professional job before. she think I'm lazy which affecting the kids.
yesterday she was nagging over the phone about how loud is our 2 year old, she is insisting putting him in a freaking day care and pay such amount money monthley for it. I told her several times before we cant afford it at this time. 
when i got home she wanted to start talking about the day care again, so i told her honey please, I'm really in bad mood due to a bad day at work can we talk about it later, she got mad and left the room and never talked to me since. 

I ask myself, why didnt I marry someone educated and smart, yes my wife is beautiful but I could have done better, someone educated and beautiful and very smart. I feel the love to wife is less and less because of her nagging or when she get a little angry she stops talking to me and act like im not there.
I respect my wife but I dont think she is smart about life, she is in her first/second year for Business Degree. Do you think after finishing school she will be smarter?

can I have some help and advice here.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your not loving and supporting her enough.
She's not that stupid, she still came to ask you for help.
Why do you refuse to help her bathing the babies?
I think you don't need to marry a smart woman because smart woman speak their minds.
You need to marry a maid instead, who is quiet, doing all the housekeeping baby sitting and cooking. 
That's the woman that suits your need. 
Most husbands here have a work but many of them are happy to take care of the babies and share housework.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

"I ask myself, why didnt I marry someone educated and smart, yes my wife is beautiful but I could have done better, someone educated and beautiful and very smart."

Maybe she's asking the same thing. Why didn't she marry someone who already had the dual masters degrees?

"she got what may be everyone looking for, nice car, nice house, educated husband, and big family."

Maybe that's not what she is looking for. if she is spending all day with two kids under 2, maybe she's looking for help around the house or some adult interaction when you get home.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

MsLonely and Married&Confused. 
thank you for your responds. and forgot to add that, in my days off of course I help with kids, I bath my older one and clean around the house. I try to keep them as much as I can from her so she can have her time. every night even in the days i work 14 hours I come home eat and I put one of the kids to sleep if not two.
Sometimes batteling issues at work and working at school get me tired mentally. I always try to make her living and doing things as easy as possible to help her with kids when im not there. 
I'm proud of her as mother and doing good job. and i told so many times that. but she is acting like she the only one in the world who has kids. 
I'm not perfect husband either i have my issues, such as anoxiety and ADHD since i was young but i always try to make a better of myself. 
If I didnt care about her I wouldnt pay her school, and trying to make her the best person in the world. 
when we get in a fight, either her fault or mine, I always, always to be the first one to pamper her and apologies and make her feel good, she never ever never ever came to me and kissed me to tell me I'm sorry dont be sad we shouldnt be fighting.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Be willing to listen to her complaints and look for solutions with her.
Don't assume she's not smart because she's in school right now.
If you give her the chance to let you in on what her complaints and needs are and why, she will be open to hearing your side of the story.
Why does she need the day-care? So she can get schoolwork done for the two classes she's taking and succeed in her degree, since she's clearly the only person caring for two young children? 

You BOTH work hard.
You BOTH are under pressure.
You BOTH deserve respect from the other person.
Your work is very different from hers but it is NOT more important.

You're living in two different worlds right now.
Be willing to find out what's going on in her world, instead of assuming she's just stupid and ungrateful.
If you do that, she won't assume you're selfish and uncaring.
See how that works?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

No relationship is perfect and the grass IS NOT always greener on the other side.

You could have married someone more beautiful and smart and she could still get upset with you, nag or do things that annoy you - that's what humans are all about - NONE of us are perfect and are on our best behavior all the time--life and what it brings with it can sometimes cause us to act poorly.

Read MEM's thread on thermostats (in Men's Clubhouse). It appears you might be hot and she is cool. You have mentioned above some of the behaviors that hot spouse's do (I'm one too).

Read his recommendations on how to back off of this and do a 180 and change the balance in your relationship to 50-50, versus what it is now.

It's hard, takes some commitment, but it does work...you just have to be patient - I've noticed small changes in my husband - but change it is and that will be the ultimate reward for me in the long term.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

so because she doesn't have a degree she is not smart? or because she stays home with the kids she is not smart? I work full time and go to school and coach my kids soccer teams and serve on the PTA and my dh stays home because his company closed down. I know he is smart and I know what he does is hard. I could never stay home full time. I know that even though I do all these things that one day home full time with two small children is more exhausting and harder than a days work and I am a computer programmer that has to think logically and figure out issues all day. 
It sounds like maybe you guys need to communicate both ways more. What she is saying may seem like nagging to you but to her it might have meaning and how you feel may appear that you don't care or want to listen even if you are just having a bad day. 
IMO I would rather have someone less educated that loves me then a well educated person that has no respect for me.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

BoardNMom thank you again.
he communication to me sounds like orders and not adult communication. I didnt say because she does not have a degree she is not smart, she made decesion before and I was like are you series. 
how do I put it,, CARELESS, thats the word I should say it CARELESS. 
Example, $550 digital camera has a pack and place to store, she use it and leave it on the floor or couch, and she sees our kid playing with it and toss it around and never take it a way from him. I told her so many times use it and return it but never listen. 
the same things happens with LAPTOPs. I have bought three laptops for her just in the past 3 years, a laptop each year, she leave it on the floor or couch and see kids playing with it and not say anything. 
and by the way, she was like that BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED. 
another example, 
I had to purchase 3 smart phones for her in less than a year, because she leave it on floor and stepped on it broke the screen. second time she left it on floor and saw our kid playing with it then ended up in toiler, after week getting the third phone was found in toilet. 
the New expensive SUV is always trashed out, i find her shoes kids food on floor and seats, soda bottles etc..
taking food out the fridge and leave them out side all day, such as milk egg cheese etc.., left over food stays out side for a whole day. 
we had to replace her debet card 3 times in one year because she mess place it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Any woman you marry will probably not be happy. Most women care more about emotional connection than financial security. Few women value a husband working hard while they are staying home taking care of kids. If you want your wife to be happy and nice to you, you have to give her what she says she wants, rather than what you want her to want or think she should want.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sorry but you sound like a jerk. I would say you are lucky to have her let alone that she gave you two children.

Is this your idea of a "man" ladies?? Is this how I need to be to get my wife to have sex with me? :scratchhead:


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Tourchwood said:


> BoardNMom thank you again.
> he communication to me sounds like orders and not adult communication. I didnt say because she does not have a degree she is not smart, she made decesion before and I was like are you series.
> how do I put it,, CARELESS, thats the word I should say it CARELESS.
> Example, $550 digital camera has a pack and place to store, she use it and leave it on the floor or couch, and she sees our kid playing with it and toss it around and never take it a way from him. I told her so many times use it and return it but never listen.
> ...


Stick around on TAM, you will see your problems could be much worse. Sounds like a lot of material object issues, you gotta let that go. Also, just when I think my wife isn't so smart, I usually later realize I'm not so smart. A wise man once told me "water seeks its own level." It took me years to figure out what he meant. I guess I'm not so smart...

Try to bathe the kids in the evening and help out more where you can, sometimes the positive effort will produce positive results in the spouse. It's like a jedi mind trick, you change you, and it changes them


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

Chris, thank you, this is the best thing ever said. 
I will try more to do my best and do new things to help out, I admit I'm lazy, how can I change that?!
Thank you BordNmom, credamdóchasgra, Hicks, WifeInLove.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

Tourchwood said:


> BoardNMom thank you again.
> he communication to me sounds like orders and not adult communication. I didnt say because she does not have a degree she is not smart, she made decesion before and I was like are you series.
> how do I put it,, CARELESS, thats the word I should say it CARELESS.
> Example, $550 digital camera has a pack and place to store, she use it and leave it on the floor or couch, and she sees our kid playing with it and toss it around and never take it a way from him. I told her so many times use it and return it but never listen.
> ...


When it comes to these expensive toys you said she was like this before you got married. Did you expect her to change when you got married? Did you tell her you expected her to become more responsible with electronic/expensive items once you where married? 

As for her nagging--I don't know. Maybe you think you are doing what she wants, but maybe she has other expectations. Is it possible you two could sit down and come up with a list of chores that you two would like the other spouse to do and then make a compromise on those chores? 

As for her not being smart enough--maybe part of her nagging is that she senses that you do not think she is smart enough or she may feel that you do not value her because she doesn't have a professional job. The nagging might stem from her having this feeling that she is not good enough for you in some way. Even if you feel you never said or did anything to give her that impression, you clearly feel that she isn't smart enough for you--you expressed it in your first post. If you feel that way about her you could be sending her unconscious signals to that effect.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

You seemed to be extremely concerned with possessions. Why do these things mean so much to you? I understand that repeatedly buying things may be a burden, but you seem almost consumed by her disregard for inanimate objects.

If it upset you so much that she was allowing your child to play with the digital camera, why didn't you take it from the child? 

Could you come up with a budget and stick to it? Let's say you (as a couple) decide to spend $200 a month on electronics. If you get to the end of the month and her phone is broken with only $20 left in the budget, she can only afford a prepaid or used phone. She might decide to take better care of her things after walking around with a cheapie for a while. The budget MUST be worked on as a couple, otherwise she'll feel like you're playing daddy and that's the least attractive thing in the world.

Try to remember that she's always with the children so her things are more likely than yours to get destroyed by them.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I agree with Chris. By helping out some it might improve her willingness to meet you half way on the things you want her to do or be. The only way to change it is to get in and do it and be more hands on. I work out a lot but there are many days that I don't feel like it at all. However most of the time I make myself go to the gym and aftewards I always feel better and think man I'm glad I did that or that wasn't so bad.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

WhereAmI said:


> You seemed to be extremely concerned with possessions. Why do these things mean so much to you? I understand that repeatedly buying things may be a burden, but you seem almost consumed by her disregard for inanimate objects.


Ok it is only me here, even as the wife & even if MY kids did this , I would start world war 3 if I had to replace a laptop a year, 3 phones in a year and loosing Debit cards! This could cost a bank account. I have 5 kids at home, we have had only 1 laptop in the last 5 years-that we all share. These things just shouldnt be happening. His wife has some very bad messy habits that is costing ALOT of money needlessly. I can see the Posters anger about this easily.

But he KNEW she was like this - so not sure how to break the cycle. Maybe if the bank account gets stolen she will wake up. 

If I was the husband who provided all of these items from my paycheck, I don't think I would be buying her another laptop, or keep replacing the phones even, & if she carelessly broke/stepped on or allowed the kids to get to the $500 digital camera & it ended in the toilet, that would not be replaced either- until Christmas time, then I might keep it in my possession. 

Isn't this how we curb irrsponsible behavior with our children? Did her parents give her everything growing up with no care how she treated "her stuff" ?? 

I don't know, just my thoughts. I am not sure how you turn a messy into someone who cares about the house & car being tidy & clean, it seems these things even run in families, life long ways of life. Is her MOm like this also?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok it is only me here, even as the wife & even if MY kids did this , I would start world war 3 if I had to replace a laptop a year, 3 phones in a year and loosing Debit cards! This could cost a bank account. I have 5 kids at home, we have had only 1 laptop in the last 5 years-that we all share. These things just shouldnt be happening. His wife has some very bad messy habits that is costing ALOT of money needlessly. I can see the Posters anger about this easily.


I would be thoroughly annoyed, but not to the point of asking why I married this person (who I knew was like this before marriage). 

I'd probably get insurance on the items and allow my spouse to go through the hassle of getting it fixed every time there was an accident. Takes the burden off of me and hopefully teaches the object-destroying spouse to take care of their things. This would be in addition to a budget in case something was not covered by insurance.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok it is only me here, even as the wife & even if MY kids did this , I would start world war 3 if I had to replace a laptop a year, 3 phones in a year and loosing Debit cards! This could cost a bank account. I have 5 kids at home, we have had only 1 laptop in the last 5 years-that we all share. These things just shouldnt be happening. His wife has some very bad messy habits that is costing ALOT of money needlessly. I can see the Posters anger about this easily.
> 
> But he KNEW she was like this - so not sure how to break the cycle. Maybe if the bank account gets stolen she will wake up.
> 
> ...


Oh I agree with you about her carelessness with their possessions. I think it is crazy and I think he is perfectly in his right not to buy her anymore expensive items like that if she is not caring for them. I think he should talk to her about it and let her know how he feels about it. Even if they had all the money in the world, he should let her know it bothers him. And she should respect that. 

But if he knew she was like this before they got married, and he did not talk to her about it, and never communicated his displeasure with her about it then he should not be surprised when she continues this behavior.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

A friend since childhood of my husband is very careless & forgetful. He always forgets his wallet somewhere and he is very messive anyhow putting & throwing things and then forgetting where he put them.

He woke up & arrived late our wedding after we already finished the ceremony. 

However, careless people have many good sides as well. He's happy, honest and fun to talk to.

Amazingly, he has made a gf who is very careful to take care of his careless personalities. She takes care of his belongs and wallet. She complained a lot about his being careless.

But they're perfect match because they provide supplementary angles for each other and make each other a whole.

When your wife is a careless person, she needs a spouse who is very careful and be her supplementary angles.


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## wifeinatlanta (Oct 20, 2014)

Your wife is an entitled baby who is out of touch with reality. You are basically being her father by taking care of her and paying for her tuition to finish school and she complains that she doesn't want to be a mother to her own children when she stays home all day? Wow. She will cheat on you and/or leave you once she has a college degree and find a job. Divorce you and ask for alimony and child support. There are so many beautiful, independent and mature women out here, why do the good men settle for the uneducated, dumb, naggers, users, *****es, irresponsible and immature women?


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