# Question for BS?



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

How long till you allowed your WS to touch you again? A hand hold, anything? I know my confession is still very fresh (3 weeks), but I'm finding it very depressing to not be able to even touch him. When we were together we've gone longer without touching (3 months-business travel) but I've never craved it this badly. Every time we meet, I can't stop crying. I know that probably makes me less attractive. But I'm not looking for anything sexual, I just want to hold his hand. 

Sorry, not looking for sympathy but I'm just wondering how long? I know that it's not a good idea to just grab him, but I'm getting a bit delirious and really want to just do it.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Was it a Ea or PA,to some it doesnt matter,to others it can be a huge difference,my WW had a EA,nothing physical but they did meet up in public places,lot of text,phone and an ex hs bf she found on fb.Circumstances matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Did he say not to touch him? If not, just go for it. I doubt he'll get mad if you try to hold his hand.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Hang in there Leslie. This is tough stuff.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Leslie,

You think he's not touching you because he is disgusted by what you did. You think he's not touching you because he doesn't love you. You maybe think he's not touching you because he's trying to hurt you. None of that is true. As strange as this may sound, its not about you.

The reason he's not touching you is he is afraid. He is so very hurt right now. He feels like if he loses control, if he isn't concentrating all the time to control his feelings he will literally come apart at the seams. He knows if he touches you he will break down and lose his concentration. I know how he feels. I remember it.

It was weeks before I touched Morrigan again. I think it wasn't until after I had my mini breakdown that I really touched her and meant it. He's going to counseling with you. He's still talking to you. He's trying to work through this issue and reconcile with you. Stay strong and don't worry about breaking down and crying. He needs to know you are remorseful. He needs to see and know you are hurting like he is. It takes time.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I disagree that your crying makes you less attractive. Crying makes men less attractive for sure. Crying also makes the betrayed less desirable. But crying from the WS shows their spouse they are truly hurting and remorseful for what they've done. I wouldn't be afraid to cry in front of your husband.

It's a complicated matter, for sure. But you might want to start by just resting your hand on his ankle or knee when you talk to him. Show complete submission, even desperation.

My W did this at times during the very early stages after DDay, and it showed me her door was open.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

thanks for the support guys

I am just so depressed right now. I can't sleep. I just think about what I've done to him. I'm kind of on this downward spiral. I started smoking again. I'm not drinking excessively but I am drinking a lot more consistently than I used to. I can't sleep. I was using work as a way to stay focused, but I can't even stay focused at work anymore. During my last session, my therapist had me go over what happened so I could see where my first misstep happened. Ever since then I keep replaying the affair in my mind and I just feel more and more terrible. I think it hurts so much because the last time I felt good was when I was with that person. I don't want that in my memory.

I keep having fantasies about not being around anymore. I know I'm not going to hurt myself because that would be an even more terrible thing to do to my husband. 

To add to it, tomorrow our friends are throwing me a belated bday party. It's also a going away party for our dearest friends here...who just got engaged this past week. None of our friends here know about this. Tomorrow he will show up to support them. It's going to be really awkward. He hasn't told any of them to try to protect me, but what is the point? I don't feel that pretending to be OK in front of people is any better than having everyone hate me. At this point I would prefer it. I don't think I would be able to stand the party without crying.

My mother is also coming into town in a week. She is unaware as well.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> It's a complicated matter, for sure. But you might want to start by just resting your hand on his ankle or knee when you talk to him. Show complete submission, even desperation.
> 
> My W did this at times during the very early stages after DDay, and it showed me her door was open.


Today was the first time he would even let me sit on the same couch as him. I asked if I could touch him and he said no, he has no desire to.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

LeslieH said:


> None of our friends here know about this. Tomorrow he will show up to support them. It's going to be really awkward. He hasn't told any of them to try to protect me, but what is the point? I don't feel that pretending to be OK in front of people is any better than having everyone hate me. At this point I would prefer it.


 If you truly want to reconcile, you need to let him decide who he wants to know about all of this. He is probably realizing that if all your friends know what you did, they are going to view HIM differently.

Once you are hurt, you pull back to protect yourself. It does sound as if you are more interested in what YOU need from HIM, but since you are the offending party, you need to figure out what he needs from you. ( keep in mind I don't know your whole story, so I could be off on that assumption) That really should be the most important thing, and I know billions of people here have probably told you that you are the one that has to carry most of the load right now. 

Be thankful for the baby steps, at least they are steps.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is really tough. But I think next time don't ask. Of course he will say no because he is nowhere near ready to stop holding this against you. Relenting to your touch will diminish his power over this - understand? Instead, just let your hand lean on his calf or something - see if he moves it away. Make it look like an accident. If he doesn't move it away, you've made one step.

Have you offered to go to counseling? If anything, you should tell your H that you are going to get help. Anything you can do to show total remorse and desperation is good. 

Baby steps Leslie. If you take one, you can take another. Him letting you on the couch is a step. If at some point you stop making even the tiniest of steps, you have to consider the damage too great to overcome. But you aren't there yet.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hang in there Leslie, I get how you're feeling. It haunts me when I think about my affair. Hubby's whole family knows about it and the next family get together is gonna be so freakin hard, gonna wanna hide in the closet. Seeing my husbands distrust in his eyes and the hurt he feels makes me hate myself for doing this to him. PM me anytime. You're not alone..I get it and would love to have another WS to talk to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

LeslieH said:


> I'm not drinking excessively but I am drinking a lot more consistently than I used to.


Last time y did this had bad results. It's not a solution.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Don't ask.
Hug.
Very tight.
Tell him that you love him.
Do NOT let go.

Eventually, if he still loves you, he will hug back and likely begin to cry. True reconciliation on his part will follow shortly.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---your problem, is he knows in his mind, that your lover, kissed your lips, your lover, fondled/caressed your whole body, more than likely---your lover if he was inside of you, also made that an area that your betrayed spouse thinks about----he just doesn't want to go where the lover has been, and where the lover has soiled your body----it is part of the whole overall situation, and you need to respect his wishes----he has visions, of your lover doing these things, and it more than likely makes him wanna puke----do not violate his space at this point---right now he doesn't want any part of you, and that includes touching

All you can hope for, is the best gift you will ever recieve---a second chance----he will let you know, when and where.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

jnj express said:


> IMHO---your problem, is he knows in his mind, that your lover, kissed your lips, your lover, fondled/caressed your whole body, more than likely---your lover if he was inside of you, also made that an area that your betrayed spouse thinks about----he just doesn't want to go where the lover has been, and where the lover has soiled your body----it is part of the whole overall situation, and you need to respect his wishes----he has visions, of your lover doing these things, and it more than likely makes him wanna puke----do not violate his space at this point---right now he doesn't want any part of you, and that includes touching


That was EXACTLY my position. The exclusivity of the relationship has been breached and the purity has been tainted.
It takes time.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

have you initiated physical contact at all?

his confidence is shot and he may be scared to touch you


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

allow him time. 
We know you are remorseful. He should realize it. Until then, patience. He is hurt, questioning the relationship, recollecting what you said and did in the past.
Good that you told him about A. Had it been his discovery, result would have been more painful.
He has allowed you to be with him so far. 
Let your feelings find their way into him. 
He will open the doors....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Leslie,
> 
> 
> 
> The reason he's not touching you is he is afraid. He is so very hurt right now. He feels like if he loses control, if he isn't concentrating all the time to control his feelings he will literally come apart at the seams. He knows if he touches you he will break down and lose his concentration.



good post man
I lived the same thing
then when I did touch her again it was like I couldnt get enough
felt like if i held her in my arms she couldnt go out on me again
some call this hysterical bonding

just give him time and maybe try telling him how it hurts you and how you know you hurt him. maybe two wrongs dont make a right and maybe if you confess you need to touch him in a way as to remind him and show him its a way of saying I still love you and I know I made a mistake...... lets start slow baby and go from there

would have given my eye teeth if my ex did that with me


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hang in there is right. I didnt refuse his touch but I didnt actually touch him back (hold his hand, hug him etc for weeks). Its a hard thing to do. Beo is right when he says we are teetering on the edge of totally losing it and to me touching him would have broken me. I put on a suit of armor in essence for a bit. Hang in there. Slow and steady.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Leslie - you need to get help for the drinking and possibly the smoking. The drinking is especially troubling for two reasons. 

1. It's potentially a deadly choice for you or someone else if you drive while drinking.

2. There's no telling how it might affect your marriage and any potential for recovery. Who knows what you might say or do while drinking.

My husband went through some serious depression and anxiety. He was suicidal on several occasions. He went to counseling and got on some medication that helped. He was also patient with me - and 5 years later is still patient when he needs to be.

You can get through it. It's still new for you and your H right now. You're still trying to figure out what to do and how to do it. There's a good chance that he doesn't know if he wants to stay married or not. You owe him the time to decide. 

That doesn't mean you go away, though. Giving him the time to decide means that you try to be understanding, supportive, transparent in everything you do, and patiently present.

Don't make touching a big deal. Don't ask him if you can touch him. Touch him lightly when you pass in the hallway. Start with small gestures. If that bothers him, he will tell you.

You both will be okay.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> That was EXACTLY my position. The exclusivity of the relationship has been breached and the purity has been tainted.
> It takes time.


Yep, I'm having issues with sex at almost seven months out from discovering WS's ONS. I wonder when we do things if he did that with her.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Yep, I'm having issues with sex at almost seven months out from discovering WS's ONS. I wonder when we do things if he did that with her.


That is such a hard thing to overcome. I had those thoughts for a long time. The only thing that helped me, and it won't work for everybody for obvious reasons, is that I asked for all the details. I mean all the details. I didn't want to leave anything to the imagination. This created a lot more mind movies for me but I was able to get through things after that. The only reason it worked is because Morrigan was extremely and brutally honest with me and hid nothing. I could tell much of what she told me was really hard for her to say and even harder for me to hear. Once I knew everything I could finally move on. But damn it was hard to hear!


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I am going to be patient. I really appreciate your comments. I realize that aside from giving him his space, I really need to clean up my act. 

today was kind of a disaster
at the party one of our couple friends announced that they were pregnant

I tried to talk to my H once and it got him so angry that he just left without saying goodbye to anyone

then he texted me saying he is now considering divorce


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

When you are there in the affair you know that you are hurting your H, still you did all the wrong, but now you want your husband to hold your hand and say blah blah blah. Did you know the gravity of actual pain you caused. Do you have any idea of thoughts he is having in his mind now? i don't think that you know that in its true form or reality.

He was in limbo whether to R or not, but you thought he want to R so he stayed. He was processing his thoughts and mental images of you doing so and so things with your OM. Finally he couldn't make any peace with that so he wanted a divorce, accept his wish because all of it is due to your reckless behavior, you ruined your family so you have to face the consequences, D is one of it. 

You may be the super remorseful ( but in your posts you are only worried about yourself) but R or not its his call. But filing for D or asking for it don't mean that you lost all the hope, still you have a chance. Keep yourself on the shelf and try to deal with the pain he is having, it should be your priority.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Leslie---slow it all down

You don't have any input anymore---it's all on him----Your I'm sorry, and I love you's, don't even register with him---At this point he probably doesn't even want to know you exist, remember, he has been previously cheated on, and you knew what would very well happen If he found out you cheated.

I would guess when you "outed" yourself, you told him the whole gruesome story, of going back to your lover time after time----full well knowing you were in a good, decent, satisfiable mge., and that there was no reason for this to happen-----this whole scene is running thru his sub-conscious 24/7, and there is nothing he can do, nor you can do-----it just has to play out.

You need to clean yourself up---and stop with the self pity----I am sure smoking was something that didn't go over well---and here you are smoking again----you obviously drink to excess, specially when on your own, and tho you say you know how to derail PUA's, you couldn't stop this last train-wreck from happening---WHY IS THAT---DEEP DOWN, CORE WHY---Why did you keep going back again and again, when you knew you were in a good mge, with a wonderful, loving H-----and full well knowing the consequences of Adultery, upon discovery by the betrayed partner---you kept going back again, and again, until you ALLOWED the sex to happen----You have to find out WHY--

--Does it somehow relate to FOO----

You got a whole lot of work to do on yourself---leave your H., alone, he needs to do what is necessary to deal with this himself, and he really does not want to see you/touch you/hear you----if and when he does want you---you will be the 1st one to know-----In the meantime, stop with your own pity party---stop smoking, stop drinking, find things you can do, for your future, whether it be married or diivorced, find things that you can do, to fill up your time, that DO NOT involve you being out there with men, who want nothing more than to sleep with you

It's to soon----just work on your many issues.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your health, physical and mental, should be of paramount concern to you for that is under your control. Your counseling sessions with your therapist are a great start but your abuse of alcohol needs to be brought under control before it destroys your physical health. A dead wife can't reconcile with her betrayed husband.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

LeslieH said:


> I am going to be patient. I really appreciate your comments. I realize that aside from giving him his space, I really need to clean up my act.
> 
> today was kind of a disaster
> at the party one of our couple friends announced that they were pregnant
> ...


Leslie, sorry for your state.

Could you suggest to him to read your original thread?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> Leslie, sorry for your state.
> 
> Could you suggest to him to read your original thread?


I actually like this idea. What do you have to lose? If I were him I would devour the thread to see what you were saying.

Wasn't this party partly for his birthday too? So he left without saying goodbye - he also got visibly angry with you while at the party. How did people react to this?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Leslie,

Your feeling of remorse should go from his thoughts to his heart. Only then will he calm down. Right now, he is in anger.

Would it be a good suggestion to avoid partying for some time?

He gets angry and helplessness due to the triggers. Is he undergoing counseling?

Patience. Patience. Patience.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Quit the parties, quit the alcohol and stop the smoking. He's pissed at you for continuing to do all these things. He was probably hoping you would have found a discreet way to cancel the party, and when you did not that probably pissed him off even more. 

Going out and having fun should be put on the back burner for both of you. You two are trekking through the wasteland now, trying to reconnect. Anything outside this is a hinderence and a distraction.


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