# scared and very very lonely



## goinbeserk (Jun 21, 2012)

Guys I need some comforting words here...going through hell and I'm so alone, it feels horrible.

I had an arranged marriage 5 years ago. We had not courted and hardly knew each other. Families met and were totally satisfied n we spoke over the phone. He came across as a very sincere n nice guy and he is. 

From the time of our marriage he has loved me and cared for me and I've reciprocated equally. We discovered each other and settled in life. I must mention that we otherwise are poles apart where our personalities are concerned. I am outgoing and love to dress up, groom myself and have a nice social life, host dinners at home, keep the house looking beautiful and I love the feeling love gives. 

He on the other hand is an introvert, does not have friends, is very laid back in life, never bothered about his looks and would very well do with just a bed and a fan in his house.

Main issue : he is not physically inclined. Right from our wedding night I felt weird. Our marriage was consummated after 7 months and before that he was more than ok with just foreplay. He treated me as if I'm some precious gem. I love the fact that he's a son to my parents and gets along with my family.

I will be honest, I love him to bits, care for him insanely but we're not in love. 

We tried for a baby but again his physical issues, lack of interest so to say...came in the way and I was totally put off. 3 years of trying and it built so much resentment in me. He would see me charting dates and writing in pain during ovulation but would just sit there. He met a urologist too....all healthy. 

I finally got an iui done but that was unsuccessful. Alll my tests normal. 

No rush, no spark in the marriage, we're like 2 best friends who r so attached to each other but otherwise 0 when it comes to marriage. 

He admits that he does not have 'that' feeling for me...never did, neither did I. He says for him I was always someone to be cared for, protected and loved...but that intimate sexual feeling....never had. 

Past few months have been harrowing, living under the same roof like strangers. Its getting worse and I am unable to go on this way...its affecting him too. I have tried whatever, but we just don't have it.

My family is not supporting, not realizing its me who's most insecure and affected by this thought of separation. They're like just go on the way u r, at least you're secure. 

I don't know what to do....I do love him and care but its different. How long should we just numb ourselves this way?? 

If we part ways, I am concerned abt his well being as well as my future. I am proud of him as a person, we to the outside world r the perfect couple. No one knows whats inside. 

I'm used to a set lifestyle and having him around....what if later I feel this was better?

I dunno what to do.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Interesting ......... You took your post (that you deleted) from 3 days ago from the 'General relationship section' and re-wrote your story deleting any mention of ---

- The fact that you were in love with an OM when you got married
- The fact that you were thinking of your OM when having sex with your DH
- The fact that you starting emailing/chatting with the OM when his marriage bombed
- The fact that you started meeting up with the OM having an EA/PA while wondering if you should stay with your DH because of the financial stability that he provides for you 

I guess there is no room for truth on the internet after all.


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## goinbeserk (Jun 21, 2012)

its really very easy to form an opinion on someone and someone's situation just by a post. Yes, i had written on the forum 3 days back and there i had mentioned everything. 

I refused to comment on any of the replies as that would mean a whole lot of writing and trying to explain my situation. People had made it very clear that they were not interested in understanding both sides of the story. Jumping to conclusions and forming an opinion about someone who is already going through hell is easy. 

Why I wrote here was because I am talking about my situation with my husband and our thoughts on separation. Thats it.

Also, you seem to have noted down my previous thread in great detail but you still did not manage to read in between the lines.

It takes a lot to pour everything out on a forum and one does it only out of desperation and to get different points of view. If you have nothin to contribute positively, do not. Its not mandatory that you reply to every post or agree with every situation.

I would not have gone ahead with an arranged marriage if I did not have an open mind. My husband has been least interested in me physically right from our wedding night. In such a situation when I'm looking at new beginnings he makes it a point (though not purposely) to make me think about my past. Who wants to re-live the past and hurt when one is already in a marriage?? Not me. 

After 5 years of getting no attention and 0 sex, after 3 years of desperately wanting a baby...am I at fault if I have this anger in me? Be ready to have sex as and when the husband feels like it? 

My ex wrote to me after 6 years......6 years of no contact. It so happened that he popped in a hello when my husband and I were already at our sour best. Then too I asked my husband if it is correct to respond to his casual hello. 

I did not 'start meeting up' with my ex....met him 3rice n my husband knows about it, has read each and every chat transcript. And No....I do not wish to end my marriage because my ex is 'available'. You make it sound so cheap..

I am not with my husband for the financial stability. I don't know how it works for you, but when I say we are attached to each other, we genuinely are. I've invested a lot in it emotionally and tried and tried to get him to understand that his ways are drifting us apart. 

5 years of association and a lot of love is no joke. Its unfortunate that the love that should be present in a marriage was not there. Our marriage is on the rocks because I'm tired of being made to feel like a mommy to my husband, tutoring him for every darn thing, else he would just flow not bothering about his career, his life, health and marriage. 

One wants love and respect. I want to respect my husband, look up to him but he would just not let me. If I just needed to have a cheap affair or just leave my husband for nothing...I'd have done so by now. 

Here I did not mention any of the ex bit because that is not my concern as of now....I am concerned about my marriage, whether my husband and I shd stay or call it quits. It isn't and never was to do with my ex.

No one wants to be standing here in life...no one gets into a marriage with this thought of separation one day. Grow up. Not everyone who's in a bad marriage and in touch with an ex wants to break the marriage 'because' of the ex involved.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

goinbeserk said:


> After 5 years of getting no attention and 0 sex, after 3 years of desperately wanting a baby...am I at fault if I have this anger in me? Be ready to have sex as and when the husband feels like it?
> 
> Its unfortunate that the love that should be present in a marriage was not there. Our marriage is on the rocks because I'm tired of being made to feel like a mommy to my husband, tutoring him for every darn thing, else he would just flow not bothering about his career, his life, health and marriage.


In your previous post you had written that your DH had accepted that you marriage has failed. Then whats holding you back when both of you feel this way?

In your current situation, no one is happy, not you, not your DH and not your ex-BF. The right thing to do is to get a D and let you DH find someone else rather than stay and keep in touch with your ex-BF. That way at least one of you can find what you are looking for.


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

_ I must mention that we otherwise are poles apart where our personalities are concerned. I am outgoing and love to dress up, groom myself and have a nice social life, host dinners at home, keep the house looking beautiful and I love the feeling love gives. _

That's fine. You don't want to be married to your carbon copy, but rather find synergy in your differences. 

In regard to the sexual intimacy, many couples follow their sexual desires into marriage and then quickly cool off. It is easier to move in the other direction and heat things up. The key, and this is hard, is to develop emotional intimacy and the sexual feelings will follow. Work on it - try the "light his fire" series or similar stuff. You want to know that you did absolutely everything before you cut it off. Otherwise, you'll be carrying unfinished business into the next relationship. 

my two cents - hope that helps!


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## goinbeserk (Jun 21, 2012)

yes, its not necessary to marry one's carbon copy, but the differences should make you feel that you compliment each other and not that they are hampering the relationship. 

regd to sexual intimacy...i had married with a totally open mind regd sex. husband just made it so so obvious that sex is somethin that he wld not bother about. Its not just about sex in fact. Romance on the whole...no talking, no holding hands nothing. I know things cool down after a while but the initial rush in a relationship being absent right from the start? n he admitting that he never saw me 'that way'. 

Going shoppin and eating out became a way to spend weekends....its was never a quiet moment with just us. I have tried everything, lingerie to erotic movies to planning romantic surprises, having his college mates over so that he could connect and have a nice time....n in all of this I would see that I'm giving and making efforts and it felt as if for him everything was served on a platter. I too want to be made to feel special....feel the rush


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## izzy123 (Aug 23, 2012)

_yes, its not necessary to marry one's carbon copy, but the differences should make you feel that you compliment each other and not that they are hampering the relationship._

Nothing is going to *make you* feel anything. Rather, we exercise our free choice in how to process and relate to the people and events in our lives. This is not the venue to hash out this concept and I'm not certainly not going to convince you of anything, but perhaps consider it.

More importantly - what are you expecting to get out of this forum? Don't expect anyone to read your comments and say, "yep - this woman has been victimized by impossible and unfair circumstances."


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