# Trust is gone.



## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I really do. How do I trust him again when it doesn't seem/feel like he wants to earn it?

Monday night we go to bed. I can tell by his body language that he doesn't want to be in bed. But the last time he chose not to go to bed with me there was a fight. Details on that if you want them. So he just lays there. I am in between sleep and being awake when I notice a light on. I ask what he's doing. He clicks the phone screen off. Then says looking at weather. First thing out of my mouth was "lie". We fought and we've barely spoken since. He probably was looking at the weather. And I feel crazy now. He doesn't want to talk about it, just go on like it didn't happen. I just want him to understand that he's done some pretty shi$$? things. Trust doesn't just grow back over night. He wants me to trust him but he doesn't seem t want to earn it. 

Backstory is that we have been together for almost 6 years. Early on in our relationship I caught him "talking" to someone else. We worked through it. Or so I thought. Later he faced an addiction issue with prescription medication which brought in more lying. I'm glad to say that he is clean from that now. But it did bring up the trust issue again. Then he displayed some shady behavior and I'm right back where I started so many years ago with no trust. Zero. 

The last time he didn't go to bed with me I was fine with it. I woke up at 2 a.m. And he wasn't in the house. I couldn't find him in the house. I took my phone and was going to call him when I spotted him in our side yard, on the phone. When he noticed I was up he put the phone away quickly and came to the front porch. I asked him what he was doing. He struggled to find an answer. He let the dog out finally is what he said. Then it was he went to smoke. Ok, so why make it seem like you're hiding in the yard? I went back to bed. He stayed up all night long that night. On Facebook. He did t sleep at all. That was that. 

He is currently out of work (terminated in July). He is not looking for work. Says he feels no "rush". I don't know what he does with his time. But I do know what he doesn't do. 

He does things. Things a man his age shouldn't do and when I try to talk to him it's the same old song and dance. 

I've been to counseling by myself at times because it has been so bad. I have taken nerve medication and antidepressants. This year I decided to stop all of that because I just felt it wa the situation and not me. But is it? Am I losing it?

I'm frustrated. I don't know where to turn. He will not have a conversation with me if we're talking about serious issues. He gets mad, raises his voice and shuts me down with "conversation over."

He hates that I don't trust him yet he doesn't want to earn it back. 

We only have one child living at home (oldest 2 are 18+ and building their lives). They don't want us to part. I don't want us to break up. I also know I can't keep living this way. 

This post is probably scatter brained, I have so much on my mind. Can anyone offer some advice? I sure hope so.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Are you two intimate? Sex often, kissing, hugging, etc? Is there a marriage worth saving? 

Seems like a bizarre relationship.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

We are barely intimate. He comes to bed later than me or when he does he stays on his side of the bed. No kiss goodnight anymore. Just him on his side and me on mine. 

In the times that we are intimate he can't finish. It's not the sex life we once had.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I am struggling very bad with trust. I don't trust him. I've lied to myself for a few years now. I don't go through his things like his phone or anything but I use to snoop really bad. It was what woke me up in the mornings, I'm ashamed to admit. 

I am struggling with his recommendations of let's work through this tough time we're in yet he seems to ignore the part where that means you look at yourself and the relationship and make changes. Or you don't. 

I'm so very tired of not trusting. I hate it. I hate it so much.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What is he bringing to the relationship? Whose child is still at home? Why do you want to save this? Why do your adult kids have any say in your relationship?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Sounds like he's still on the pills to me.

How do you know he's clean?

Is he drug tested every few weeks. 

I thought my wife was clean too.

You don't trust him for good reason.

Addicts aren't trustworthy.

You better dig deeper.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

What does he bring? Now? I don't know. I guess nothing if I'm honest. My youngest is still at home. The older two don't have a say in my relationship. I just hate it for all of my kids. Their father is absent and this guy is pretty me their dad.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I know him when he's on pills. I know him. I know the sound in his voice and I know that look in his eye. But to be truthful, he knows I know all of those things. It is possible. He has gone through more money not working than he did working. But he says it's his money and it's not my business. To a point he is right. We are not married. My accounts are separate from his. However, if you are with someone they should have a right to know about financials, right?

When I pushed the money issue he accounted for some of it but most of it is gone. He doesn't have insurance now due to not having a job so he would be buying them. That would explain the money. 

I don't have the energy for this. I really don't. I've given, sacrificed, understood, been angry, cried, been proud, you name it. I have nothing left if he is using. 

Why do I want to save this? For the same reason most people want to save their relationships. Keep the family together. So the last however many years weren't a total waste of time. So we don't have to rearrange lives and start over. Because there are good parts of him I love and I realize that I will not find a perfect person to be my partner. Those may be rotten reasons to stay but that's what I've got right now.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You are going to have to rock the boat to accomplish anything here.

You can't operate out of fear of losing your relationship.

What kind of prescriptions was he taking?

Does he go to meetings?

Did he receive therapy for addiction?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's checked out for sure. If it's not drugs then maybe it's another woman. That late-night phone call outside is suspect either way.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

There's nothing to save here. You need to work on yourself. Hit the gym, get in amazing shape. Get a makeover. Buy new clothes. Buy a new car. Start going out like a single lady. You will soon see there is life outside of this relationship. 

How do you two pay bills? Who owns the house? Is it a rental?

My fiancee hid a hard drug habbit/addiction from me and everyone else. I was able to put together the pieces and bust her 4 weeks before our wedding (cancelled it). I get to see every penny she spends for her to live under my roof. Yeah, I know there's other ways to get stuff without money, but she plays by my rules. She also attends therapy 3x a week. I still don't know if I'll keep her around, but she's been sober so far. I hate drugs/alcohol with a passion.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I'm not afraid to rock the boat at all. I have been in the past and because of that things are worse. I am truly at a point if something has to give. I can't live this way much longer. I really can't.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I think you are right. There is nothing to save or else I wouldn't be here, on this forum, asking total strangers for help because my partner won't talk with me about our issues. 

I am already working on myself. I can see that his treatment has beaten me down. I learned in counseling that. I one can make you feel anything. We feel what we feel on our own. But I do disagree to an extent. 

I recently joined a new gym/boot camp. It's the best thing. I can't afford to buy a new car but I get what you're saying. Focus on me. 

My birthday is a few months away and my sister and I have already planned a week night rendezvous at a local comedy club. I love that place and haven't been in years. He would never go or if he did I would not be able to enjoy myself. My nerves would be a mess the entire time. 

I currently pay the bills since he isn't working. He knows he has to work. I've brought it up multiple times. We rent. Of course I'm struggling with paying everything on my own. I don't make the salary he made. 

I am very sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. Addiction is so nasty. People say it's a disease and maybe it is. It's a thief if nothing else. Peace of mind. Money. Our people. I hope things turn out well for you.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

Yes I agree the late night call was odd. I didn't add that the next day I notice he changed the password to a finger print instead of the patten. I did lose it. I asked him how he expected me to trust him when he behaves that way and then changes his pass code. I feel dumb typing this. So so dumb. Guys, this man does not want to be with me any longer does he? What person that wants to make their relationship work and heal the broken parts behaves that way? Why doesn't he just come clean? Say it to my face that he wants it to be over and not act like some high school kid playing games? He has been telling me with actions hasnt he? I need to make a plan. I need to get out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SelfReflection said:


> I really do. How do I trust him again when it doesn't seem/feel like he wants to earn it?


You don't. It's smart not to.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

If you are paying the bills while he’s blowing through his own savings (which he can do because you are paying the bills and have stable employment), then YES his money is your business. If he doesn’t like it, he can pony up half the rent, utilities, cable, internet, grocery bill...... (oh and back to July, may I add), OR he can hit the road. That’s it. 

He’s staying because he has a pretty sweet deal. No job, the house to himself all day, a reliable and dependable partner... He doesn’t care about repairing the trust because he doesn’t care about *you*. 

You should read Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. And start going to al-anon. And start building the life you want - reach out to old friends, make new friends (Meetup, recreational sports, volunteer, ask coworkers to go for a walk or shopping or for coffee), get back in touch with your core values and move closer to them. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mmzbrus4* (Sep 28, 2017)

Why are you willing to tolerate his crap? Don't you deserve better? Why do you stay?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You describe all sorts of horrible things and then say you do not want to break up. You have grown children and one young one. These days half of all kids come from divorced parents. They also form their ideas on relationships and marriage from watching their parents. You may be doing more harm to them, then good by not divorcing. Certainly you deserve to be happy. Your kids will get over it. They all do.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

My heart feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. It's almost as if all of the bad I've tried not to see just helped itself to a seat in my stomach.


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## SelfReflection (Sep 27, 2017)

I agree, it's absolutely my business. He definitely won't be comfy for long. I won't carry a man or anyone else. Sure things in life happen but he is taking advantage of the situation. I wouldn't have ever dreamed that he would decide he's just in no rush to earn a living. 

To answer the question of why I've stayed, I guess I thought it would get better. There were fantastic times here and there. It could be 5 days of bliss and then hell day showed up and obliterated any feel good that came out of those 5 days. My counselor told me last that I was co-dependent. I've come a long way. I no longer snoop. I joined a "gym". I made plans for my birthday that don't include him. My counselor advised me not to make any life altering decisions at the time I began seeing her-I was such a wreck at that time. I thought about my kids then. How would my decisions impact them. They love him because he's not horrible all the time. In those moments I have had hope I guess. I'm not making excuses for myself, just answering honestly. That's all why I've stayed. 

But you're all right. There's no point in putting myself or the kids through it.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

SelfReflection said:


> My heart feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. It's almost as if all of the bad I've tried not to see just helped itself to a seat in my stomach.


That's your gut telling you to end this mess and
start loving yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SelfReflection said:


> I've been to counseling by myself at times because it has been so bad. I have taken nerve medication and antidepressants. This year I decided to stop all of that because I just felt it wa the situation and not me. But is it? Am I losing it?


To this day, I STILL can't figure out what the *payoff* is in medicating one's self and having to go to therapy 2 times a week ALL just to find a way to be OK with staying with some ass-hole who brings precious little to the table.

I honestly don't get it. I *don't*.

He's a lying sneak and I can only imagine the crap he gets up to when you AREN'T there to catch him. Ugh.

If medicating yourself and dragging yourself to a shrink is what you need to do in order to feel good about keeping a guy around who's always looking for an opportunity to be shady, has probably done a whole lot of crap you DON'T know about, and who doesn't even have the ambition to get off his lazy ass and support his own family, then I guess all I can say to you is good luck.

That, and I _still_ don't get it.


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## Old Newlywed (Mar 31, 2018)

Sounds like there is no reason to stay. Children don't need a role model like that and it's obvious you can take care of yourself. If you let him, he will suck up all the badass you have left and you'll become just as much of a loser as he is. Please don't do that.


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