# Good Man Wants to Keep Cheating Wife, But How?



## ADestroyedMan

I need a woman's pov on this, please. I'm a 32 year old man, and I've been with the love of my life for 10 years. We have a wonderful little boy together, and I thought things between us were great. I used to say "it'll rain whales before my wife ever cheats on me."

Last Friday night, Shamu landed in my lap. My wife confessed to having had a year long affair with another man (and I use that term loosely). I was shook to the core. I trembled all over. I guess she thought that, even though I've never, ever raised a hand to her, that I would hit her after she dropped that bomb on me. I did not. She began crying, and I held her. I hugged her. I kissed her forehead. 

I told her that I couldn't understand why she did this to me and our son, but that I still loved her. She cheated on me for a whole year. She even slept with her...thing...in my own bed
while I was at work. She performed...favors...on him and later on kissed me! 

Was I furious? You better believe it. But, let me give you the backstory. My wife and I were madly in love when we first got together. It pained us to be apart for even a day. You know that feeling, right? 

We got married when she was 19 and I was 24. Now, there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that I have not pulled my wife to me, held her against my chest, kissed her, and told her how beautiful she is to me. I would regularly do things like order cds she mentioned wanting from Amazon, and have them shipped to her work as a nice surprise now and again. I just adore her, even in light of her affair. 

But, at some point I guess I shut her out in other ways without ever realizing I was doing so. She got lonely, and she finally, in a moment of desperation, gave in to the wiles of a guy she'd befriended. She thought he loved her, and she had strong feelings for him. Guess what? He didn't care about her at all.
They ended it 7 months prior to me having found out about it.

She bitterly wept for what she'd done. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I f***ked up everything. You're a wonderful man and I ruined you." I toyed with the idea of having revenge sex with some loose girl, but the idea of touching any woman other than my wife literally makes me nauseous. I even tried to go
to a strip club, but only made it as far as my driver's seat. I could not hurt her the way she did me. I did and do still love her completely. 

For the first 3 days I sat and stewed. I mean I was a powder keg. I loved her as much as ever, but this pain was unbearable. I finally just snapped. I literally went insane for an hour or so. I smashed every mirror in our bedroom, her vanity, and all her cosmetics. I was so hurt, and still am. Today, after having gotten the rage out of my system, I forgave her. I told her "I just want to be with you. To love you. You're still the wonderful girl I've always loved. You just made a mistake in a moment of emotional weakness." 

We decided to remain friends and live together for our child's sake. We've actually been carrying on like best friends all day, and it's been great. Till I overheard her talking to some guy on her cell phone. He had a deep voice, and it resonated well enough for me to hear. It's this guy she met at a club.

He's some med student with a genius iq (mine is only 128, so I guess I can't compare with that). I'm reasonably intelligent, but not in his league. Well, she has told me now that she feels
she married too young, and never got to date around, and she's really excited about doing that. She wants to...I don't know. She refuses to even attempt to repair what we've both had a hand in damaging. 
She said to me "I'm still young. I want to enjoy life and experience all these different things."

I just wish I could make her see that the dating scene is not going to fulfill her. She's liable to get hurt, even. All the while, I'll still be here, loving her, waiting for her, ready to accept.

Ladies, how do I get her back? How do I get this nonsense out of her about dating around? She has a child with me, for God's sake! I've cried more in the last 5 days than in the last 25 years combined. I'm in such pain and agony. 

She says she loves me dearly, but she doesn't want to try.

Please, advise me. I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.


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## LostandAlone

ADestroyedMan said:


> I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.


I am not a woman but felt compelled to tell you that you sound like someone that she is going to regret letting go of, probably for the rest of her life. Having a child and not having a lot of money don't mean a thing, not to anyone that matters. My own marriage is about to end and I have felt your desperation to make her see what she is giving up and that the path she is on will only lead to pain and hurt for her. But if I've learned one thing from my experience it's that there is nothing you can do or say to convince her of that. Unfortunately she feels that it's more important to make up for missed time in the dating world. She will learn in time that dating is not all she thought it would be and she will long for the security and love that you gave her. 

I know from experience that you want someone to tell you that she will change her mind, that there is some magic words that you can say to make her see what a terrible mistake she is making, but the truth is that she already knows deep down and she just doesn't care and will follow this path to it's destructive end and then will most likely be searching the rest of her life for what she already had. Unfortunately you cannot wait around for that realization to come. You need to think about yourself and your son and that means moving on. It won't be easy and the compulsion to hang on for dear life will be strong...but trust me when I say that this is a mistake she needs to make and not one that you should be responsible for picking up the pieces for. If you are as good a man as you sound like, you will find someone else that has already made the mistakes she is about to and that person will not take you for granted like your wife has.

Be strong and believe in yourself. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You need to take care of yourself so please don't let her keep you waiting for a miracle that will not come. Until she gets this need to date out of her system and realizes the reality of it she won't be able to get past it. Even if she changed her mind tomorrow and came back, the pull of that life will always be there and you will just be in the same boat somewhere down the line.


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## JOEY

I understand your pain and I hope for the best for you. I am also a guy who`s wife cheated and I know how bad it feels. However I do not think I am in any place to give advise because I am also seeking advise. I just hope everything works out for you. As far as money and kids go; Regardless of what happens to you and your wife you will allways be connected through your child. Money is not even part of the equation. I also thought about cheating on her to get even but I do not think thats the answer. You sound like a good guy and if you cheat on your wife you could also be hurting some one else who is innocent. It`s not woth it for revenge. Just my 2 cents.


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## LostandAlone

JOEY said:


> I understand your pain and I hope for the best for you. I am also a guy who`s wife cheated and I know how bad it feels. However I do not think I am in any place to give advise because I am also seeking advise. I just hope everything works out for you. As far as money and kids go; Regardless of what happens to you and your wife you will allways be connected through your child. Money is not even part of the equation. I also thought about cheating on her to get even but I do not think thats the answer. You sound like a good guy and if you cheat on your wife you could also be hurting some one else who is innocent. It`s not woth it for revenge. Just my 2 cents.


Cheating to get back at my wife was not an option in my eyes. The one thing that makes me feel good about things is that when the marriage is officially over I will know that I was faithful to the end and did everything that could be expected of a betrayed husband and then some to save the marriage. My credibility will be very important to me when moving on with my life.


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## CaryLeb

I'm sorry that you are going through this and hope that things work themselves out as you would like them to but in the interim you must be prepared to let her go. 

This happens to many young couples who get into serious relationships before "exploring the world." I know this because I was a participant and a victim all at once. Although it wasn't a marriage and we did not have children, my partner at the time was 18yrs old and I was 16 years old. We had nothing but an education to work toward and were perfectly happy. We lasted five years before we grew apart. He became Mr. Corporate America after graduating from college and decided that he needed a break, all of a sudden he questioned his ability to commit.

I was devasted. I thought we lived for each other and did not know how to deal with the situation at hand. I couldn't stand being in my room because everything reminded me of him so I temporarily moved in with one of my close friends for about two months before returning home. 

Some people can be with the same person forever and not even flirt with the thought of being with another person, while other people need that experience to fill whatever void they have within themselves. 

Bottom line is that you can't controll or modify your partners desires, you can only controll your own. Feel out your feelings and then determine if you want to wait for her emotional return. 

All the Best..


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## druid

Nomoby is content. The US wan't more money. Tiger wanted more women. Children want better mobile phones. 

All these are trivialities compared to practical life. This fantasy life that women demand, is largeley the result of their upbringing.

Cinderella's Life
Slaving for the boss. Handsome Prince with lots of money saves her. Married "happily ever after".

Real Life
Slaving for the boss. Meet someone. Move in. Stress of meeting rent payments, launrdy etc. Get hitched. THEN the tests begin. Conflict, arguements etc etc.

The female was subconsiously taught that life would be perfect.

Although it's fairytales, females are more susceptible to interpreting these stories on an emotional level, and feeling dissapointed at the inevitable outcome.

Women these days are more likely to cheat, scheming, hurtful, and not worthy of the love bestowed upon them.

My advice, run for the hills. Women are cheating time-bombs.

THe issues from the past will never be satisfied or fuly resolved.

Don't lie on your deathbed, hoping that a **** is a saint.


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## greeneyeddolphin

Well, first, a little reassurance: Having a child and not much money are not dealbreakers for a woman necessarily. I have a boyfriend, so I'm not looking, but if I were single and looking, you sound like the kind of guy I'd be looking for. 

Second, if you want to make it work with her, she also has to want to make it work with you. If you're not both committed to making it work, then it won't work. 

If she wants to date around, that means separation or divorce. It's possible that after dating for a bit, she'll realize what she has in you and want to come home. But...you also have to be careful about giving her too much time and too much freedom. If it were me, and I were going to separate with the hope of getting back together, I don't think I'd give more than 6 months. If they don't know in 6 months what they want, then you make the decision for them and end it. 

Be assured, money or not, child or not, you sound like a great catch and I very seriously doubt that you would spend much time alone if you did end up divorced. And I can also tell you that it is quite likely that if it ends, your wife will end up regretting it.


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## dutch

Let her date and have sex with other men,or women. Tell her that you are going to do the same. You want to grow also and experience life. Try it together first. If you find that this is the way it's going to be, so be it. If not, all you did was have a valuable life experience that would help you to cope with change.


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## nolongerlonely

Wow. You have so much courage and compassion. There needs to be more men like you that have so much love for their wife. She must have been very vulnerable to have let that happen, and I bet she is feeling awful for what happened. Obviously, her love for you is even more important than anything,b ecause she was super honest with you which takes GUTS and a whole lots of courage. 

I see nothing but good prospects for this situation. I hope that you two can recognize the love you have for eachother.

Hmmm . . . . as far as advice goes, I recommend reading this book : Magic Of Making Up | How To Get Your Ex Back | Relationship Advice | Break Up Advice

It will help you learn what steps you need to take to grow from this experience and continue to have a rewarding relationship.

All my best to you and your wife.


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## Trenton

Let her go so that she can come back. It's the hardest thing to do but I think it is the only way.

You sound like an amazing man. I hope things work out for you.


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## ThinkTooMuch

Destroyed,

You have my sympathies, you're clearly a good man, as several folks have written, the problem is your w's.

I see you are in love with her, I can only tell you time will make life better, there are no magic words. For your w the grass is greener, I think she'll find it is astroturf or spray painted.

I know more than one good man once married to a young, innocent woman, a decade later learns his W want to experience life. What happens is he gets grabbed before he has time to get a haircut, while she finds that a single mom with a kid is a lot less attractive to decent men than she ever imagined. 

She'll find that she can get f***** pretty easily, but only in short term relationships. Within a year she realizes she made a terrible mistake while your new lady friend has redecorated your house and made you forget a lot of the pain you are now experiencing. 

Good luck,

Mark



ADestroyedMan said:


> I need a woman's pov on this, please. I'm a 32 year old man, and I've been with the love of my life for 10 years. We have a wonderful little boy together, and I thought things between us were great. I used to say "it'll rain whales before my wife ever cheats on me."
> 
> Last Friday night, Shamu landed in my lap. My wife confessed to having had a year long affair with another man (and I use that term loosely). I was shook to the core. I trembled all over. I guess she thought that, even though I've never, ever raised a hand to her, that I would hit her after she dropped that bomb on me. I did not. She began crying, and I held her. I hugged her. I kissed her forehead.
> 
> I told her that I couldn't understand why she did this to me and our son, but that I still loved her. She cheated on me for a whole year. She even slept with her...thing...in my own bed
> while I was at work. She performed...favors...on him and later on kissed me!
> 
> Was I furious? You better believe it. But, let me give you the backstory. My wife and I were madly in love when we first got together. It pained us to be apart for even a day. You know that feeling, right?
> 
> We got married when she was 19 and I was 24. Now, there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that I have not pulled my wife to me, held her against my chest, kissed her, and told her how beautiful she is to me. I would regularly do things like order cds she mentioned wanting from Amazon, and have them shipped to her work as a nice surprise now and again. I just adore her, even in light of her affair.
> 
> But, at some point I guess I shut her out in other ways without ever realizing I was doing so. She got lonely, and she finally, in a moment of desperation, gave in to the wiles of a guy she'd befriended. She thought he loved her, and she had strong feelings for him. Guess what? He didn't care about her at all.
> They ended it 7 months prior to me having found out about it.
> 
> She bitterly wept for what she'd done. She said "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I f***ked up everything. You're a wonderful man and I ruined you." I toyed with the idea of having revenge sex with some loose girl, but the idea of touching any woman other than my wife literally makes me nauseous. I even tried to go
> to a strip club, but only made it as far as my driver's seat. I could not hurt her the way she did me. I did and do still love her completely.
> 
> For the first 3 days I sat and stewed. I mean I was a powder keg. I loved her as much as ever, but this pain was unbearable. I finally just snapped. I literally went insane for an hour or so. I smashed every mirror in our bedroom, her vanity, and all her cosmetics. I was so hurt, and still am. Today, after having gotten the rage out of my system, I forgave her. I told her "I just want to be with you. To love you. You're still the wonderful girl I've always loved. You just made a mistake in a moment of emotional weakness."
> 
> We decided to remain friends and live together for our child's sake. We've actually been carrying on like best friends all day, and it's been great. Till I overheard her talking to some guy on her cell phone. He had a deep voice, and it resonated well enough for me to hear. It's this guy she met at a club.
> 
> He's some med student with a genius iq (mine is only 128, so I guess I can't compare with that). I'm reasonably intelligent, but not in his league. Well, she has told me now that she feels
> she married too young, and never got to date around, and she's really excited about doing that. She wants to...I don't know. She refuses to even attempt to repair what we've both had a hand in damaging.
> She said to me "I'm still young. I want to enjoy life and experience all these different things."
> 
> I just wish I could make her see that the dating scene is not going to fulfill her. She's liable to get hurt, even. All the while, I'll still be here, loving her, waiting for her, ready to accept.
> 
> Ladies, how do I get her back? How do I get this nonsense out of her about dating around? She has a child with me, for God's sake! I've cried more in the last 5 days than in the last 25 years combined. I'm in such pain and agony.
> 
> She says she loves me dearly, but she doesn't want to try.
> 
> Please, advise me. I don't want to date again. I'm 32, have a child, don't make a lot of money, so I don't have a lot to offer someone. I have loyalty and love in spades, but that's about it. I just want to make it work with the woman I love.


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## SimplyAmorous

ThinkTooMuch said:


> I see you are in love with her, I can only tell you time will make life better, there are no magic words. For your w the grass is greener, I think she'll find it is astroturf or spray painted.


 I like this comment. Very true in many of these cases. 

Your wife is clearly looking for more excitement in her life, so GIVE IT TO HER. Do not dismiss these feelings she has, they are not likely to change, so BE this man she is thinking she will find outside of the marraige. New, Vibrant, passionate, Erotic , maybe even a little dark & mysterious. 

Your love is too unconditonal in my humble opionion, sometimes us women get bored with this: You are too easy, too available, too loving, too doting, we know you will forgive anything we do, so we take advantage of this . I know one poster mentioned she must love you very much to be so honest, but it can also be that she knows no matter what she does (as clearly proven here by your story), your love will REMAIN, be available to her, never shut off, endless supply, so why not tell ? 

She has lost "attraction" to you in some way. You need to get this back. Where did this go wrong, by the way ??

*Have you ever done ANYTHING that has aroused her Jealousy towards you?* I think this would be a good place to start. NOt necessarily an affair, but give her -her space, but make da** sure she understands you also will be meeting women while she is out doing her thing.  If she feels (for the 1st time) that you may not be waiting for her - it may cause her to Pause, take inventory of what she has to LOOSE. As she is getting YOUR attention , YOU need to be equally getting hers!! 

Seriously. NO more be so unconditionally loving. This does not work for all women. Some of us are pathetically spoiled and need to be shown that our good men may just not always be there for us, that our pedestrol has been taken down, and another can be put on it! 

Great book here about how to have an "Affair" with your spouse, to bring back the passion, the exhileration, the newness of the dating years- this book speaks of arousing the jealousy -for the purpose of renewing passion, when it has been lost. 

Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books


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## seeking sanity

ADM - You may be better posting in the infidelity forum if you want practical advice. But having lived through more or less exactly what you are going through, here's what I would have done in retrospect.

1. You need to separate. Or I should say, she needs to move out. Right now she is cake-eating - getting the security of your presence in the house, with the "freedom" to go date. It's emotionally cruel to you. If she wants to date, that is her choice, but you have no obligation to be babysitter while she is doing it.

2. Go no contact with her. Kids and money conversation only. Don't get baited into relationship talks until she is willing to return to the marriage. The fact is you are not best friends. She is your wife. If she wants to get divorced, she becomes an ex wife. 

3. Get yourself a life. Find things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Move on. You are way more attractive to her as a strong, independent man who doesn't need her, then you are as a needy, desperate romantic. 

4. Educate yourself on affairs. A forum like this is a good start. There are a number of books. Divorce Busters has a concept called a "walk away wife" that may explain the situation to you. Read, learn, read, learn...

5. Exercise. You need a physical outlet for your aggression and sadness. Pound it out at the gym, running track, or whatever. Exercise is key to helping you manage your emotions.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Reason and logic aren't going to help you right now as she is off on her own agenda. She's getting off on the attention from other men, and enabling it by sharing the house, will just hurt you. It's time for you to act in your own best interest.


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## Conrad

>>BE this man she is thinking she will find outside of the marraige. New, Vibrant, passionate, Erotic , maybe even a little dark & mysterious.<<

In a word, dominant.

Right, SA?


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## SimplyAmorous

Conrad said:


> >>BE this man she is thinking she will find outside of the marraige. New, Vibrant, passionate, Erotic , maybe even a little dark & mysterious.<<
> 
> In a word, dominant.
> 
> Right, SA?


Yeah, pretty much, but I also like the term "Confident" or let's add "Sexually confident" in it's place here. Another poster said this and I have to agree, it sits better with me many times in these discussions.


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## seeking sanity

Sure, you need to be "confident". But easier said then done. 

The reality is that you've been terribly betrayed, and it takes a huge toll on your self-esteem, and sexual confidence. Because her cheating must speak to some inadequacy in you, right? And now some 'genius' is interested in her, and so you're too dumb now too, right?

The instruction to be more confident is like saying, be taller, or smarter, or grow a bigger ****. You simply can't, if you are in a wounded, terrified, hurt emotional state. It's not like she is making this easier for you, or even acknowledging the terrible devastation of infidelity. She's treating you like a piece of meat, like a non-person. She just wants you to get over it, and hey, since you're broken up now, it's perfectly okay to play the field.

Except that people and inherently emotional, and expecting someone to move on after a long relationship is inhuman. It's not normal. We mourn our attachments. When people die, we feel sad. When relationships end, we feel sad. We're supposed to.

And so her behaviour isn't normal, by emotional standards. But it is very normal by infidelity standards. And the reason for that is because she's in denial. She's running away from feeling anything because the guilt is terrifying to her. 

So, what does this mean?

Well, first, pretending to be confident while you're in a awful situation is bad for your soul. I believe that pretending to be okay, when you aren't, and trying to be a model husband to compete with some f*ckwad other man, is humiliating, to the point of being damaging to you. 

The way for you to protect yourself is to get away from her. Separate, escape, take the time to FIND YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. That's where REAL confidence is going to come from. Once you find your own happiness, you'll have detached somewhat from her, and then the stuff others are suggesting will begin to happen naturally.

The only way staying together works after infidelity, is when the cheating partner comes to realize how truly awful they have acted, and begins to show remorse. Remorse specifically looks like: 

- No Contact
- Disclosure of the details
- Full transparency
- Consistent loving, empathetic behaviour (including allowing you to feel sad)
- A desire to make right they wrong they've caused.

Your wife isn't there. You can't make her get there. But you can look out for yourself now, because she clearly is only looking out for herself.


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## SimplyAmorous

Seeking Sanity, you are absolutely right in everything you just said. Sometimes I post before I REALLY think, I have not walked in such shoes. ALL you say truly makes sense 100% 
:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Conrad

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yeah, pretty much, but I also like the term "Confident" or let's add "Sexually confident" in it's place here. Another poster said this and I have to agree, it sits better with me many times in these discussions.


Ok, ok, you're a good sport.

I know you object to BBW's tone at times, but what he says speaks volumes to many.

The originator of this thread would likely not be having these issues had he followed that sort of path early on.

One cannot own the response of another, but doormats get walked on. We can all agree with that. I have a doormat in my past as well. Do I feel guilty? Sure. I should have conducted myself with more confidence and honor.

The originator of this thread needs to improve himself. If not for this relationship, then for the next one. He cannot "own" the response of his wife, or he'll end up in the asylum.

We all agree with that.


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## Conrad

Sanity,

It only "speaks of inadequacy" if you take her action as a reflection on you.

We must strive NOT to own the response of another.


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## Atholk

You might like my site ADM.

Start here Married Man Sex Life: The Basics Part 1 - What The Hell Happened?


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## Lostandconfused

seeking sanity said:


> ADM - You may be better posting in the infidelity forum if you want practical advice. But having lived through more or less exactly what you are going through, here's what I would have done in retrospect.
> 
> 1. You need to separate. Or I should say, she needs to move out. Right now she is cake-eating - getting the security of your presence in the house, with the "freedom" to go date. It's emotionally cruel to you. If she wants to date, that is her choice, but you have no obligation to be babysitter while she is doing it.
> 
> 2. Go no contact with her. Kids and money conversation only. Don't get baited into relationship talks until she is willing to return to the marriage. The fact is you are not best friends. She is your wife. If she wants to get divorced, she becomes an ex wife.
> 
> 3. Get yourself a life. Find things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Move on. You are way more attractive to her as a strong, independent man who doesn't need her, then you are as a needy, desperate romantic.
> 
> 4. Educate yourself on affairs. A forum like this is a good start. There are a number of books. Divorce Busters has a concept called a "walk away wife" that may explain the situation to you. Read, learn, read, learn...
> 
> 5. Exercise. You need a physical outlet for your aggression and sadness. Pound it out at the gym, running track, or whatever. Exercise is key to helping you manage your emotions.
> 
> I'm sorry you are in this situation. Reason and logic aren't going to help you right now as she is off on her own agenda. She's getting off on the attention from other men, and enabling it by sharing the house, will just hurt you. It's time for you to act in your own best interest.


Here's, as a woman, is my point of view:

Read and re-read this from Seeking Sanity. Then, when you're done reading and re-reading, read and re-read it again. When you "get" the message, act on it. 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am so very sorry that you're going through this. Believe in your value because from the way you talk, you have a LOT to offer (money and genius IQ only go so far) and there are women who would thank their lucky stars to have you.

Just my $0.02,
Lost


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## Steve2010

Dude let her go. It hurts now and will for awhile but like most everyone has told you she will see that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Unfortuantely there isn't anything you can say to her to change that. I have felt some of the things you are now. Trust me you may not thing so but brighter days are ahead and there will be another woman who will make you forget her all to fast. Good luck and god bless.


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## seeking sanity

Conrad said:


> Sanity,
> 
> It only "speaks of inadequacy" if you take her action as a reflection on you.
> 
> We must strive NOT to own the response of another.


Conrad, that was my point. The self-talk sarcasm may have been lost. 

We have to try to get to the point of not allowing another person to define our adequacy, but when you've invested many years of love and trust into another person, often the MOST trusted person in your world, and then you come to find they betray that trust in a terrible way, it's easier said than done. That level of rejection is really quite something to deal, especially if you've had any of the nice guy characteristics like co-dependency, and the need for sexual validation from your wife. 

It's a mind-f*ck man. For me, it took time apart and a hell of a lot of soul searching to sort out.


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## Conrad

seeking sanity said:


> Conrad, that was my point. The self-talk sarcasm may have been lost.
> 
> We have to try to get to the point of not allowing another person to define our adequacy, but when you've invested many years of love and trust into another person, often the MOST trusted person in your world, and then you come to find they betray that trust in a terrible way, it's easier said than done. That level of rejection is really quite something to deal, especially if you've had any of the nice guy characteristics like co-dependency, and the need for sexual validation from your wife.
> 
> It's a mind-f*ck man. For me, it took time apart and a hell of a lot of soul searching to sort out.


Sanity,

"Co-dependency" is the route to being a guest on Jerry Springer.

Once I found myself on that road (I could absolutely not believe it), it was time for a change.

My wife even called me a *****. In fact, the biggest of those she'd ever been with.

Talk about a wake-up call.


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## disbelief

What if its not co dependecy because u realize u can live without ur wife but feel it is worth the effort to fix it since u still must co parent in divorce and it still seems she is in the fog since she keeps contradicting herself. Do u give it time and keep trying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity

disbelief - Yes you continue to try, if that's what you want. But trying can look a lot like self growth, particularly...



> 2. Go no contact with her. Kids and money conversation only. Don't get baited into relationship talks until she is willing to return to the marriage. The fact is you are not best friends. She is your wife. If she wants to get divorced, she becomes an ex wife.
> 
> 3. Get yourself a life. Find things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Move on. You are way more attractive to her as a strong, independent man who doesn't need her, then you are as a needy, desperate romantic.
> 
> 4. Educate yourself on affairs. A forum like this is a good start. There are a number of books. Divorce Busters has a concept called a "walk away wife" that may explain the situation to you. Read, learn, read, learn...
> 
> 5. Exercise. You need a physical outlet for your aggression and sadness. Pound it out at the gym, running track, or whatever. Exercise is key to helping you manage your emotions.


Basically, she doesn't find you attractive or desirable right now and feels she'll be better off alone. Some advice given is to make yourself more attractive to her, which I personally find humiliating and way too much of a breech of my self-esteem. However, getting yourself together for the sake of being a better man and a happier person, is an excellent idea. The bi-product of which is you'll probably be more attractive to her. But either way you make it your god d*mn MISSION IN LIFE to be okay regardless.


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## pradap

A lot of children grow up with mom and dad stay married, but their fathers are seldom at home, this is actually more confusing for these children.Something worse, the fathers are bad role models, gambling, heave drinking, taking drugs, making mom unhappy, fight all the time, these children will grow up feeling very insecure.
___________________
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## crazy1

I'm in the same spot.
I no longer care about my wife. Can't look at her anymore without seeing some guys thing popping in and out of her mouth. I would leave if we didn't have a child. However, I can't imagine living somewhere other than with my daughter. I love her as much as I used to love my cheating wife. I feel my daughter needs me more than ever. I've seen the real woman my wife is and don't want my daughter falling into this lifestyle. Do I stay and have my child 100%, but not have a lovelife?
My daughter is more important than myself. How can I make it all work out?
Also, my wife has also helped us get into some heavy debt.


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## the guy

Crazy, Is your wife still cheating?


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## crazy1

He dumped her.


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## L.M.COYL

I think that she sounds unrepentant.
While I won't be ignorant/conceded/self-inflated enough to tell you what to do, I will say that I would be very concerned especially since she states that she never really had a chance to be with others who she feels drawn to now. 

I think that it may very well blow over, but then again it may not. Fortunately for you you are still quite young at 32. I will say that for some men this would prove impossible to move beyond, but with a child I know it makes that somewhat hard.

I suppose you have to weigh your options:
1-leave without her and remarry/date others? Still retain
the "friendship" and your relationship to your kid
but never trust her again
2-stay with her and through all possible interventions try to
get beyond the affair though this will still prove strenuous

There is no easy answer and none without consequences.

Best of luck either way!


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## L.M.COYL

Totally agree with this. Not that we are being morally superior but because we stuck to our committment that we made when we married or engaged and we took it seriously.

I think this is the best preparation for a second marriage, imho.


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## Catherine602

seeking sanity said:


> Conrad, that was my point. The self-talk sarcasm may have been lost.
> 
> We have to try to get to the point of not allowing another person to define our adequacy, but when you've invested many years of love and trust into another person, often the MOST trusted person in your world, and then you come to find they betray that trust in a terrible way, it's easier said than done. That level of rejection is really quite something to deal, especially if you've had any of the nice guy characteristics like co-dependency, and the need for sexual validation from your wife.
> 
> It's a mind-f*ck man. For me, it took time apart and a hell of a lot of soul searching to sort out.


You feelings are a testament to the kind of man you are. I really admire your faithfulness and resolve to save the marriage. In a sense she is right, she did not have enough experience to know what is out in the dating world.She lucked out on her first try and she doesn't know it. If you met at 25 yo she would know. 

So now she will get all the experiences she wants and in a short time, will see that she will not find a man even close to what you are. By that time it will be too late. You will have moved on. I think she really does not want to work on the marriage at this point. Maybe she is confident that you will still be around waiting for her when she is finished getting her experiences but I can't see the value in that for you. You obviously need experiences yourself if you think you will not find someone to love and you and to love. 

Lack of money can easily be remedied by more schooling and careful planning. It terms of intelligence how much do you need for a relationship? Are geniuses better relationship material? I doubt it. Besides you don't know how your intelligence compares to his because you have not made the effort to get ahead. You certainly don't sound dumb. As far as children are concerned, a man with a child who is a good father is considered an asset by most decent women. 

You may not be ready to hear this in the mist of this painful time but, when you are ready for your next relationship, pick carefully. Make sure it's someone who matches your character. 

I really think in the years to come you will count this as the pivotal fortunate event in your life. It is an incentive to develop you talents, become financially more solvent and to gin the experience you need to find another woman. I really son't think there is only one person you can love deeply. Your next love will be different obviously but, ultimately just as deep and more satisfying.


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## Dobralov

I am so terribly sorry for your pain.

Seeking Sanity's comments about fabricating confidence to "win your wife back" are dead-on. I tried it, too. It just prolonged my suffering, damaged my soul, and now that I'm FINALLY filing for divorce, I feel so much better.

People gave me the same or shades of the same advice about giving up trying to control her. My therapist did. My friends did. I simply wasn't ready to do it at the time. I tried, fleetingly. I tried cohabiting with her while they continued to talk. I tried not mentioning it, arguing about it, involving her parents (who knew already), taking on her hobbies, trying to go out to "find new relationships and friends."

Blah, blah, blah. I couldn't stick to any of it because I was still suffering from the trauma of the affair. Make no mistake--the effect of discovering an affair is equivalent to post-traumatic stress. People that haven't experienced it find it easy to say "just leave her" or "move on and find your happiness," but when you're in the throes of wretched agony, well, it all sounds good rationally, but humans are not rational. We are emotional, and and affair compounds it even further.

God, it's horrible. 

Your wife is gone. The sad and ironic tendency for guys in our position is to IDEALIZE our wives when they f*ck up like this. I don't know why exactly. Hell, I blamed myself for months. What did I DO? How could I have prevented this? These are normal reactions to a horrible situation and a normal part of the grieving process, but they are entirely unfair questions to ask and try to answer.

She has decided what she wants, and trying to change that is just another way of revolving your life around her. It's hard to hear, but you're codependent. I was and arguably still am. I knew I was ready for divorce when I was thinking, "If I do this thing, how will she react?" and then caught myself and said, "Wait. Who gives a F*CK how she'll react. I'm going to do what I want." I'm not advocating irresponsible behavior, but I AM advocating taking her out of your equation when making decisions. Don't take your children out of that equation...just her.

Her mindset and emotional disease (she hates herself like all cheaters do) must follow their course to their regrettable conclusion. The more you "wait for her to come around," the more damage you'll do to yourself. If you "leave" just to get her to come around, then you're not really leaving, are you?

BEWARE of false reconciliation. It will rear its head again. She will sooner or later realize the full import of her failure: she lost something very good for something very shallow. I know what you're thinking: "Well, why can't I be there for her when she does?" 

The answer is YOU. As long as you carry that torch, you will bleed. As long as you bleed, you will never find a way to be happy with YOURSELF. You have to love others before you can love another in a healthy, non-codependent way. It's okay to grieve when it's contributing to healing, but bleeding constantly is just like slowly hemorrhaging to death. You can't heal until you stop bleeding.

I know. It's hard to picture life without her. You can't stand the thought of losing her. You are watching your dreams die--the hopes of growing old together, of making love again, of you holding her close while she thanks you for "never giving up on her." It hurts and frustrates you, especially when you've nothing to offer but love. 

Nothing you do will change her mind. Nothing you say will bring her back from her immature and unwise course of action. Now that I've made up my mind to leave (after false starts months ago), I feel...like a man again. Like I am finding my own way. It's liberating to realize that I'm indifferent to the selfish, self-deluding liar that was once the love of my life. THAT, my friend, is the realization you're struggling against. You can't force it, and that slow, dawning realization is excruciating but necessary.

And, down the road, once you've found a way to be happy without relying on a woman's approval, you will be ready for a relationship. Women actually don't want a guy that asks for permission and always seeks approval--they want a guy that can stand on his own, alone. Not a jerkwad, but a self-assured, confident man with his own life and interests. But don't even worry about that now--just focus on yourself and your son.

I'd recommend you start journaling if you haven't already. It offers both a means to vent and to experience self-discovery. 

You will learn from this and be stronger for it.

I wish you the best,

JD


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## MzLostmyway

Well guys as a woman id love to have a man that could be faithful to me heart , body and mind. If you partner cant give you what you give them then maybe things where not supposed to be.


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## Toffer

ADM,
Some other important steps were left out from others

1) - Get tested for STDs - Your wife has been exposing you you to a possible death sentence for a year now. 

2) - Remove her name from all joint credit cards and bank accounts so she can't use any of your money to carry on her affair

3) - If the cell account is in your name and you pay the bill, cancel her phone. Again, why should you help enable her affair?

4) - Get to a lawyer ASAP and find out what your rights are. You may be able to take half the money in all joint accounts and move it to accounts with just your name on it

5) - EXPOSE - Expose the affair to her family, co-workers, her Facebook friends and the other man's wife, GF, friends, family etc. As others often say, the light of day has a tendency to kill off these type of fantasies

6) - Look up and implement the 180 NOW. Do not wait with open arms for her. Get your life in order, work on yourself and move on. If she comes back down the road, you'll have to decide then what it is you want. Do you want to be her doormat, her "plan B" when her affair ends? I personally know I wouldn't want to be those things!

This woman has disrespected you for over a year. You are dead to her. Time to grab yourself by the short hairs and become a man again.


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## Jellybeans

ADestroyedMan said:


> She says she loves me dearly, but she doesn't want to try.


If she doesn't want to try, then all you can do is concede. I know it sucks but you are much better off being alone than with someone who doesn't want you. 

Marriage takes 2. One person cannot make a relationship alone.


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## Dobralov

"She says she loves me dearly but doesn't want to try."

That is a bunch of delusional immature crap if I ever heard it (and I did, or something close). It's just another version of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," which really means "I enjoy the security of having you to fall back on but I prefer my immature infatuation with this other man....I'll call you when he dumps me."

Love ISN'T about feeling great all the time--it's a struggle with highs and lows, but it's always about commitment. Saying she loves you, but can't commit...she's gone, man. The only way she'll ever even think about trying is once she realizes that she has truly lost you and realizes how selfish she's been. DON'T try to give her that impression. It's just posturing for the sake of manipulating her and it never works.

Leave for good and save yourself the anguish of "not giving up on her." I know you may ignore this advice; I certainly did until I felt ready to accept it. 

Good luck,

J


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## elph

i hate to break up this party, because i absolutley love all this advice and think it should be stickied on how to deal with an affair...


but the OP posted this almost 4 years ago...i wish we could find out what happened to his situation...

that said..keep going...if anything itll help somebody else (like me) who really needs it.


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## fadedphotographs

My situation is much like the original poster. Sometimes I think my ordeal is very much different as I think back over the drama I was drawn into and what words were said to me after I exposed my woman's cheating and her deceitful ways.

I say that my situation is different in that we are not married, although we have been together for now, twenty-seven years.
After many good times and sometims sad occasions, her cheating was the result of me being a hard working man, always responsible, providing everything within my financial reach which included all the toys, second vacation home in the Carolina mountains, etc. Yes, everything that a woman would hope for. I'm not a drinker, my focus is always centered on 'home". But I realize that that is not enough. It means nothing. All that I did invest of myself, meant nothing. My SO had other feelings. Perhaps her needs were not being met, or that she needed more than what I had to offer. 

Now that I am nearly to the point where I will certainly remove her from my life, it still hurts, what she did. Her family and friends knew what she was up to, and said nothing to me. I understand that others are not obligated to tell me anything, but I also know now that these are not my people, they are on the other team. They are just like my SO. Her older sister did this to her husband, and when he found out, he couldn't deal with the pain, and hung himself. Later, I would find out that their mother participated in their affairs by having lunches together. Real nice. Instead of taking the parental role and refusing to become a part in this trashy, unscripted play, she went along with it because, "what ever makes my childred happy, is ok by me", she would say. Obviously she was the mold that would later re-produce similar offspring. 

Back to me.......When I did find out about my SO's affair, I told her to leave, and was ready to dismantle all of our material belongings. She wanted to leave, and had her bags packed. She insisted that I be "civil" in our separation, but when she learned that I had contacted this other man, and his wife, he dumped her. (He was also facing jail time for Federal drug charges). My SO screamed, "YOU RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP, AND NOW HE DOESN'T WANT ME". I could only reply, "I'm so sorry to disturb things with he and you, it's just that I was angry since we've been together for TWENTY FIVE YEARS!" 

I heard it all. And just like the OP, my SO was intimate with both of us, (separately), on the same day. She had clearly become a very trashy person. Two years from day of discovery, I am ready to end it all. As for revenge or getting even, it's not worth it. To all other's like myself, it just brings more trouble. And there is no useful purpose in reading about the issue, but I suspect that victims such as me will continue to do so. Marriage or long term relationship is a divorce waiting to happen. The road certainly bends, and one day, wicked comes knocking on the door. Bad behavior has a reward, and that is 30 pieces of silver, in payment of betrayal.


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## Peachy Cat

She has already left the marriage. All you can hope for now is *marriage part II*.

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD.

Let her have her fun, relive her lost teen years, whatever she's telling herself to justify breaking her marriage vows and wrecking the family. 

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD.


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## DvlsAdvc8

You have no choice but to let her go. Let her see what the other side of the fence is like.

And drop all of this "friends" stuff. She's seeing other people, she needs to move out. Reach down, grab a pair and retain some dignity.

Seeking Sanity's advice above is good. You sound desperate and the last thing women find attractive is a desperate clingy guy. The harder you try to keep a woman like this, the more they'll want to run. You're in the bag, wrapped around her finger, and she wants to chase.

She might end up wanting to come back but you should assume she won't and date other people anyway. You need to show that you're a confident independent person who will move on.


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