# Found courage, was honest, and now it's in emotional breakdown!! How do you survive??



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Well, with all of the past events, (some of you already have read my threads) I have finally accepted and come found strength to lay my heart and soul out there, even though I know it hurts him like a knife, but I did it, I had to for my own emotional wellbeing. He won't accept any of it!

I thought I was the one to create what I feel are mental breakdowns. I finally got my self mentally to understand that I do need to do what I feel is right for me and my daughter. My daughter in the way fo what she needs from me as her mother. I have the support of my family no matter what.

I went away for weekend and did not want to come back. I for my daughter, but didn't want to for H. I feel good when I'm away. I don't have to worry about what I feel is the 'wrath' when I'm gone. I didn't want to come back as the pattern is a day or so later it's all thrown back at me. He is a revengful person and admits it. In our millions of talks, he said if what I need to be happy, is to not be in this marriage, then I need to come to grips with that, say it, and we will figure it all out. Well, I've done that. 

When I came home from my little weekend, as soon as I walked in the door he cried whole time (infront of our daughter) told me he wasn't going to visit his mom in AZ, that is money he will use towards moving out. I did say I didn't expect it to be that way. Guess I felt we were close enough, not to mention my guilt of him not having a lot of money and his job not so stable, I thought some how we could still 'co-habitate' until things are arranged and settled. Not only to help each of us out financially, but, to not immediately, cold turkey, disrupt our daughters life.

He met with his new pastor, came home, again...with a completely different outlook. Begging for my forgiveness, saying he once again has spoken words he didn't mean that shouldn't be. My head immediately went into overdrive and at high speed! WHAT is going on??? He is saying all this (again with our daughter there) and I tell him we will talk later.

After daugther in bed, it starts. He says the pastor made him realize he's wrong, his thinking is wrong, his actions, and that everything H has told him, is completely salvagable. There's been no infidelity, and all that has happend can be corrected but only if we BOTH want it to. H is now reciting to me what the Bible says. That he took a vow, an oath, a commitment, and no matter what God and the Bible tell him to stand by that no matter what. He is not accepting that I say I'm no In love with him anymore. He says 'yes at one time you REALLY loved me' which means, you can again. He repeats to me about how I come from a very close family, a very strong bonded family and that is why he knew by marrying me we would be happily ever after. I told him that is one of my guilts...being a dissapointment to family. He has now used that card against me.

He reinformed me how I never want to ruin Sadies life, or his. He says he is a product of divorce, his son is a product of divorce, divorces ruin childrens lives. They put children insituations that create for them to not have good strong lives. If I want to do whats right by my daughter, I need to find away to make sure she stays in a both parent environment. Not seperated homes.

He said the pastor offered to counsel us, but only us together, not seperate. I told him I just feel we are wanting different things, he is wanting a different life than I now. He talked and talked and all I could do is sit there. I'm so done with the rollercoaster...I need off of it! After many statements, etc...he then says....if you cared about me and our daughter at all...you will go and talk with pastor...and then see if you still feel you need out of this marriage. I didn't respond. Then he says "if your heart is not in it, then I guess it's wasting his time, and I'm not sure what we do from here". I looked at him, starting crying and said...my heart is not in it anymore.

He then went on about, if I say I do not love him, really love him,then he feels I never did from the begging, back to 12yrs ago when we got married. AND if he "finds out" or realizes I NEVER loved him...OH...OH......(nothing he then went silent). I told him he was being completly unfair in saying or thinking I NEVER loved him! I said, I am learning that people to grow, grow apart and change. I have done that! That does not mean I never loved you. I love to where I care about you, I worry about you, but I just do not feel this is what I need anymore. I no longer want to worry about everyone else, I no longer want to do what makes everyone else happy regardless if its' what I want or not. I am tired of living for everyone elese. I'm 40 and want to start living for me! Worrying about me! Our daughter deserves a mom who is not an emtional disaster! Our daughter deserves a mom who is happy daily loving her life. He said he agrees...and the same from her dad. I said yes, that is correct. Then he says, "I don't like what I'm hearing....so I'm not going to speak anymore as I start saying things I regret. I think you are just confused, I think you need to go see the pastor. He will make sense to you like he did me. He's very blunt and there were things he said I didn't like, but that's what we need. He can help us. He even says it's not lost...it's salvagable."

I'm sitting here typing to you all feeling like I am on the verge of a breakdown. If that is even possible as I thought I already had one yesterday! How many more can a person have? How much can a person truly take mentally? Is this what love is about? About "convincing" each other you are in love? Brain washing? I have just poured my heart out to him, I have said things I never wanted to say, but I did, I have come to realize I don't want to be in this marraige and I found the strength and he is telling me I'm confused!! Now telling me if I care about our daughter I wont' do this and I will go to counseling for how ever long it takes to find love for him again! I'm tired people!!! I'm so very tired!! THIS is what is not good for our daughter!! THIS...my mental state!!! He is making me feel I'm a freakin idoit! He makes me feel my feelings are imaginary...false, almost like I'm not really in my body. I feel like I'm outside myself looking in like I'm 2 people. 

I stopped talking. He said it's not lost, as I've done everything he asked in past...seeing my OB for hormonal issues, going to a counselor (in past), seeing my regular doctor and getting medication. I looked at him and said "you are right, I've done everything you've asked...I ALWAYS have done what you ask no matter what" ..he said...then do just this last thing...go speak to the pastor. IF then you still feel same, IF he says after speaking with you it is not salvagable...then I guess we will decide best path to take. BUT (he says) I dont' think that is what will happen. You loved me at one time, this happens inmarriages and although it will take time...it can come back and I'm willing to take what ever time needed. He ends with 'do what's righ for our daughter and get back our love and make it stronger for her"

OMG.....I'm LITERALLY making myself sick over all the guilt and comments!! My stomach hurts, I want to through up thinking I can through up the pain and pit in my stomach!!! 

At midnight, he wakes me up and says "I heard you coughing, you awake?? I'm not gonna talk I just want to lie here next to you". He crawls in bed and lies up against me. Wakes up in AM leaves me a note that reads "You say you love me, I beleive you. I think this means we can survive this situation! I believe you mistook things I've said. I take the blame. I believe we need the pastor's and God's help. I love you, my family and my life"... then he left me the pastor's phone number.

Also...I told him I do not like this whole relgion issue pushed on me. He doesn't understand why as I grew up with church etc. I told him I guess it's a resentment that I do not want someone telling me I'm not living by God's word etc...maybe becuase I feel since I don't want to continue down this path...I don't need more added guilt and feeling like I'm gonna go to hell. I KNOW I'm not....but with all this push and his 380 into religion...it's just another layer emtional distress for me that I DO NOT WANT OR NEED!! I WANT TO LIVE AND I'M VERY SORRY IT'S NOT THE LIFE HE WANTS ME TO LIVE. I NEVER WANTED TO HURT HIM. I DO LOVE HIM AND CARE, I WORRY ABOUT HIM BEING ALONE, NO FAMILY HERE, I DO WORRY. BUT I CAN'T WORRY ABOUT ALL AROUND ME ANYMORE..PLEASE PLEASE I'M REACHING PEOPLE....I'M ON A THREAD BEGGING FOR MERCY TO KNOW I'M NOT THE DEVIL AND GOING TO HELL!! I CAN'T BREATH ANYMORE!!!!

Sorry...a thought of a few more things...supposedly he told the pastor of his actions with our daughter, the yelling, teasing, antagonizing, the stuff that I've read is emtional abuse. The pastor confirmed for him those are not such horribel things. Yes..you heard me! He said those are normal parenting things that happen, no they aren't right, but they arent' unforgiving. Since H knew there were wrong and apologized for his actions, we should be able to use those as steping stones to grow and move forward and not dwell. Also, H said IF he were to move out, he worries about me and daughter especially with winter due to our drive etc. He says when it comes to school he could be here for her to get off bus, but then what? I come home and we trade her off in the drive way? I looked at him like "what?" I reaffirmed I do not hate him, I'm not in that state of mind I don't want to see him or have him around. He does not disgust me. He said maybe not, but HE cannot see me continue without him so HE would need to have a little contact with me as possible. THIS is now making me feel maybe him moving to AZ with family is not such a bad idea! He cannot seperate me and our daughter. So again...I'm the bad person since I can.

Lastly, pastor told him he is wrong for wanting to go to AZ and see family over Christmas. Said during a time like this, the last thing to do is leave even if short term. Husband wanted to go out with his son (who's 28 and he has hardly any relationship with) he thought they could spend 2 days in Vegas then drive to see his mom, she lives about 5 hours from there. Pastor told him Vegas is not condusive to any of this. All he would be doing is introducing things and places to his son that he does not need to see. WHAT??? We aren't talking strip clubs or hookers here!! I do agree, by going out there for 2 weeks, it won't change my mind. I was beign selfish in looking forward to 2 weeks of no anxiety or stress. Yes, I know, that is sad. But it is how I feel and I cannot help how I feel anymore. I've tried and tried to conform my feelings to his, to be what he wants, to do what he wants, I've gone to lengths to give him sex becuase his love language is physical, I've over looked all the emtional anguish he caused our daughter at times, and I've covered for him for it! I've created diversions during situations that I KNEW were giong to turn into hurt feelings and yellling between him and our daughter. All of THAT, he know says he is learning from, that the 'pastor' says are steping stones in parenthood and DUE to him being a product of divorce, it's the only way he knows but he is learning and owning his actions and I guess that makes it all okay.

Well, I'm owning my actions...and my actions are that I feel for any chance of me to be fully, completely happy.....it's not here. Not now. Husband made comment at one time yesterday that he feels this is not truly what I want, that I'm just confused, and if I follow through, I will regret it, look back and wish I never did this and then it's too late. Well...maybe I will. I don't know. And as of today, all I can say is if I do....then I've made my bed, I'll have to lie in it and learn how to live with it and move on. Just like now....I don't like how I feel, I regret all of how I feel, but I believe it's the right thing for me and this whole situation. I can't fake anymore. Not to mention, when I also said I know if it wasn't for our daughter, it would be much easier, he replied with 'yes it would be as I would have beat you to the punch because I wouldn't have put up with this this long. I would have been gone..no take that back...you would have been gone.' 

I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person. I honestly, truly, never intended or wanted to come to this place in life.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your husband is not a perfect man who knows how to express himself properly but I can feel his heart is sincere to save the marriage and fix things.
All his words you have mentioned don't sound bad or evil. He seeked help and he tried to save the marriage, which is not a bad attitude. I can't see his intention is that evil as you said that he used religion to go against you.
I think he's at wit's end and he will try whatever that works, including religion. However, the problem is you refused him because you simply don't want him anymore. So you might feel guilty or hard to breath but he's the one who would be desperated, alone, facing the ruthless truth that you don't even care to save the marriage with him. Tell him directly then. I don't think there's a person who is able to make you feel guilty. You clearly know what you want and you'll go for it without looking back on your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Your husband is not a perfect man who knows how to express himself properly but I can feel his heart is sincere to save the marriage and fix things.
> All his words you have mentioned don't sound bad or evil. He seeked help and he tried to save the marriage, which is not a bad attitude. I can't see his intention is that evil as you said that he used religion to go against you.
> I think he's at wit's end and he will try whatever that works, including religion. However, the problem is you refused him because you simply don't want him anymore. So you might feel guilty or hard to breath but he's the one who would be desperated, alone, facing the ruthless truth that you don't even care to save the marriage with him. Tell him directly then. I don't think there's a person who is able to make you feel guilty. You clearly know what you want and you'll go for it without looking back on your husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh MsLonely, I dont' view him as evil at all. It's difficult to put a lot of emotions and feelings into words on a screen. Yet, I need to as I'm trying to self help and this is one of the places I found to release my thoughts. I know, now, he will do what it takes and go to great lengths to salvage all this. I've never doubted his love. I did tell him...I'm at a past return point. He said "if your heart is not in it, then we are wasting time" I told him my heart wasn't in it. He then went on with other words of saying he doesn't accept it. He says the only way he will accept it, is if he finds, or I convience him I never loved him from the beginning. Well...he wont find that as it is simply not true! 

However, I am a product of someone who has changed and grown indifferently from him. And yes..people do not make one feel guilty, but words do, emotions do, and well...I just can't explain anymore I guess. 

Thank you for taking time to read my post. I know I've very wordy and winded here.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I believe everybody has a perfect right to leave the marriage for whatever reasons for the law not only allows ppl to get married,but also divorce. You've a perfect right to decide what you want to do and care about in your life and who with, but unfortunatedly not many spouses are able to respect, accept and face the music when they don't know what to do, they will try their best to ask you stay, including saying words to hurt your feelings. 
If you have already decided to leave, you should go for it. Sit down and tell your husband clearly you will file for the divorce and tell him to plan his own future, without you of course. 
Tell him clearly that you won't love him as a husband anymore but will respect him for he's the father of your beloved girl.
You have to say clearly and firmly to make him understand he's only wasting his time.
Tell him what exactly your plan to minimise the inconvenience for him and your agenda for separation & divorce. Of course you have to think over it carefully and make sure you won't regret. Freedom is awaiting for you! It's a brand new life that belongs to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

MsLonley, thanks. I guess I've placed so much guilt on myself I feel 'underserving' of a new journey/life/freedom. I never want to hurt anyone. He knows where I'm out, that is why he as done a complete turn to not believe it. This has been brewing for a few years now. 

I don't think I will ever come to conclusion I may not regret down the road. I'm a person of affirmation, I know no one can tell me right or wrong. I can only do what I feel in my heart is right...even if hurts knowing I am hurting others. I care deeply about people, relationships, friendships (when have them) and never ever want to distroy those in a hurtful mannor. I'm the type if I could make everyone like me and happy, never mad or angry, I would. And feel I have done that for a while realizing I've lost ME, my confidence, self esteem and just who I am along the way. And my husband, does want that all back as well, however, in completely different ways than I. And your right...I do not want to waste his time as I feel I've done enough of that already. I guess I'm in damage controll or as much as can be.

All the self guilt I've inflictec just makes me feel freedom is not waiting for me due to the pain I cause. I know I'll be okay and get past. It will take time. Thanks again.


----------

