# feel like i love him more than he does I



## marriageiswork (Jul 4, 2010)

Hello everyone  Here is a brief history..
My husband and I started dating a month after I got out of a 7 year relationship. I was 23 and my husband was 19, so 4 yr diff. Well we dated for about 7 months, 3 of which he was in training for the army. He got back and we quickly married then 2 weeks later he moved to Germany then I followed 2 months later. Oh ya and we also found out i was preggars right after he first left..whew I know we moved really fast but for me it felt right and I was so happy. Well once I moved over with him it just seemed like a little distance between us started to occur. I was pregnant so couldnt go out, therefore he would go and lie about how much money spent or when he would come home...so basically my trust in him started to decrease. Well then he deployed and i found out that he called a friend that is a girl just to talk..but to me i didnt think it was right. The day after he got home i received a message from some other girl saying he had been talking to her and they were "dating". He denied everything of course and said yes he did talk to her but it wasnt in that way. I also found out that he was talking to random girls on AOL (an account i didnt even know he had) and he had profile of himself that said like soldier4you...So the lies and hiding stuff behind my back lowered my trust even more and made be jealous...he has always had a problem with hiding things from me even if they are silly as him talking to an old friend.

Well now today..we have been back in the civilian world for 5 months now and living together again finally, and pregnant now with my 2nd...well i have always been very suspicous of him because he is really secretive with me especially when it comes to his phone. And I learned that he was talking to his friends that happen to be girls and it makes me so uncomfortable given his past about hiding stuff from me...well one day i was on the computer basically looking to see what he has been doing on here...i found a profile he made for a lonely housewives site for this area...I confronted him and said "you basically have cheated on me because the intention is there". I asked him why he did this and he said he honestly doesnt know. Then after that big ordeal of me packing his things and both of us crying i thought it would get better...well then i once again found him talking to his girl friend, so i txted her and talked to her myself and it sounds legite and made me for more comfortable. So I thought we were good and we could keep trying to rebuild trust and be honest. But i just cant get past what he may be doing without me knowing... 

I am so jealous and dont trust a single thing he says and knows that hurst our marriage too but we just cant seem to stop this circle..like yesterday he came home and said im going out with the guys...to me now is not the time for him to be going out when we need to be working on our marriage...

I am so lost as to where we go from here. He says he hides stuff from me like talking to girls because he knows i will freak out...but i didnt start freaking out about it until i found out about him making profiles and such. We talk all the time about it and he swears up and down he wants to work it out but he doesnt prove it to me..Am i wrong for getting mad that he chose to go out instead of being home with us after he is gone all day working. 

I do try to understand that he is young and only 23 and still has growing to do but in my mind he is married and needs to put us first.

We are wanting to go to counseling as we both need it...I need to work on trust issues and talking down to him and he needs to learn why he is distant with me and why he lies and hides stuff from me.

its weird I feel like he has us his married life then he has his other life which is his social..shouldnt they be one

I apologize, this is really long but i tried to get everything out there to give a view of both side..not sure i did too well though  if you made it this far thank you


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## marriageiswork (Jul 4, 2010)

You know i also need to say that in my past relationship i cheated a few times and i think this is why i feel it makes this that much more hurtful and scary. i cant even believe him when he says its just a friend because i constantly think hes lying like i did


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You quickly married darned near a child you didn't know, and now you want to change him. Isn't going to work that way. Perhaps counseling will help, but I doubt it. But you better get a handle on talking down to him. No one appreciates that, and I wouldn't doubt it very much contributes to the reason he doesn't want to be home with you.


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## marriageiswork (Jul 4, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. Its not that he is never home because he is. It is the fact that he hides things from me and flat out lies about stuff, like txting other girls. I have been working on the way i talk to him also, its not an everyday thing.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I know its hard to feel like you are second or third or fourth priority. Been there...done that, and I hated the way it made me feel about myself and my husband.

This "flirting" with other females is inappropriate from a married man, and he should respect you enough to let you know if he is talking to someone. I don't know if it is just him...or if it a combination of his age (23 right), him and the fact that he's been with you for the last four years. 

For you guys to last though, there has to be some kind of give and take. He needs to keep you in the loop and quit hiding things, and you have to keep working on not nagging or "freaking" out. Know your limits though...this doesn't mean compromising how you feel and what you want just to keep the peace.

I know you are pregnant and already have a child at home, but do you guys have time to just go out and have fun together? Having often and many positive/fun experience as a couple, helps bring back that "sparkle" and connection that was lost. It just builds the relationship...hope this helps a little.


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## marriageiswork (Jul 4, 2010)

well last night he went out and did make a step to work on us. He didnt drink like he normally does and actually txted me to let me know he was on his way. This was great...well this morning i asked him if he txtd any girl and he said no quickly. So i asked if i could see to prove he was being honest finally...well he got mad and i just walked away, a few minutes later he said ok so i lied to you. He said i did talk to so and so but it was to see where she and his guy friend were at (guess those 2 are trying to hookup or something). So of course i told him im glad he was honest but did get mad that he talked to her again after last weekend when i asked him not to. So we talked about his quick response to lie to me for no reason...then i asked about last night and he ended up saying she was actually there...huh but he had just told me she wasnt...so its like he is trying but still has issues telling me the WHOLE truth. I do know it is going to take work on both parts but boy marriage sure is hard work at times.

and believe me i know i need to stop digging and begin to learn to trust him again, its not all his fault but mine as well for not saying anything for 4 years and ignoring it


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## marriageiswork (Jul 4, 2010)

larniegrl, thanks for your reply 

i agree we both have things to work on. It seems he is attempting to let me in but i fear he is just so afraid of how i will react because usually when i react to him hiding things i do get angry but i also feel like if he flat out told me i wouldnt freak out because at least i would know he was talking to his friend who happens to be female. 

We do things together but it is what we have done for 4 years..dinner and a movie on the weekends. not complaining because i enjoy it but maybe tryiing to find something else to do that actually involves us chatting or working together would help us have a good enjoyable time like he does with his friends.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I'm the master at ignoring things for years and then it all come crashing down. The important thing is that you have realized it. 

Just be careful not to become his mother...he needs to find a way to be responsible and honest, without you have to "check" in.

Why don't you go to these social events too? It would be good if you both had friends in common...and you made an effort to get out and have fun with him in his element.


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