# STBXH (in 6 days) Deliberately Hurts Me



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I am pouring cereal and cutting up a banana and his cell sings its' little tune and he makes sure I hear (his door is open) and says "I am ready baby" loudly.

He wears his wedding ring one day then not the next day.

He avoids me then cooks dinner for us and eats in a separate room.

He is civil and kind one day and the next avoids me and does not talk to me.

I am relieved and excited that we may have buyers for the house and he says "Don't forget you need a job."

When I come home from my meetings, he is always on the lanai texting. You can hear the garage door open and close so he knows I am home.

And painful contradictions between loving actions and words and he can't explain them when we had the one real conversation.

Why would someone who says he no longer loves you, deliberately go out of their way to hurt you?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For the same reason a 3 year old does.
It's your reaction that tells him that you might still love him.
And the demeaning of you that is designed to keep you from leaving him.
It's a control issue based on low self-esteem.
A kind police officer with background in criminal and deviant behavior explained this to me. 
It's hard for a normal person to get it. 
The simple explanation is that he lives in an alternate reality from you. That is why it makes no sense and appears erratic and confusing from your persepctive. 
He is probably 'sick' and in that sense.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Homemaker: I don't understand why would he want me not to leave? I mean isn't this why he kept leaving to part us?

I admit he really doesn't have a self identity, always took the cues from me. Like a chameleon.

So because of his low self esteem, he deliberately hurts me to see how much he can control my behavior and get a thrill that I still love him? 

That's pretty pathetic considering he is a 65 yr old man. From your explanation, it appears he hasn't learned very much and has not evolved into caring for others.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He can only hurt you if you let him.

You wil lbe divorced soon. 

He's not your problem anymore and neither are his antics.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your STBXH has been doing plenty of bizarre things since his mid-life crisis started. Why would you expect him to suddenly start acting mature? His current behavior, while hurtful to you, boost his own ego. Think about it from his perspective. "Wow! I'm a 65 year old man and I've got several woman who want me." Definitely don't let on that his bad behavior even slightly bothers you or that you are "jealous" (from his perspective). That will provide positive reinforcement for his current mind-set.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

827: No he knows nothing about how I feel. It was probably his sister calling but he is pretending, always pretending...

Nor will I let him know how it hurts me, won't do any good and will only hurt my dignity, which I value.

Yes 6 more days. Doesn't really mean anything either, we were divorced back in March. This is just the legal meaning.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I KNOW this is much easier said than done, but you have to try and block him out. He is a pig.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

He's pushing your buttons, just like a child does. He wants to see how far he can push you. Don't let him! As my grandma always told me "Men never grow up. They always have to be swinging on a t*ttie"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your grammy sounds funny, Craggy.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I have been lucky in my past to have a male friend who was much older than me, not romantically linked to me in any way, who was kind enough to tell me about his path on therapy. Age makes no difference in these matters.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Talked to my Ex the other day about something. 
I said;
"But that is not based in reality"

She said.. Ready for this..

"IT'S BASED IN MY REALITY"

I think I actually laughed out loud. I didn't mean to! Honest.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I'm sorry Sparkles. My ex did the same thing to me. He put me through hell when we were in the separation phase. Once I did expose his affair, he stopped hiding it. He started seeing the ow right out in the open. It was awful because we still lived together at the time. I had to watch him get dressed to go out on dates with her, he would openly talk to her on the phone walking around the house, hell, there were even times when the skank would pick him up right at my own driveway. He knew he was hurting me. Most times I would not say anything. I was very glad to have this website because I took alot of my worries out on here. Sometimes my ex would say very mean and hurtful things to me, he'd try to make the affair my fault, he tried to say the weight I gained from having 3 children was a turn off to him (now, I have a few extra pounds but I aint fat-fat while the ow was a good 50 lbs, if not more, heavier than me, so I did not buy that line from him.) I knew he said it just to be hurtful. But then there were times where he wanted to have sex with me, lay in bed with me, hold my hand, there were even times he said he loved me, one time he even brought me flowers but he would always go back to being an asshat again. He finally moved out and I divorced him. I am no longer under his control. I no longer have to worry about or care about what or who he does. I am free of that now. And goodness, does that feel wonderful.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

ing said:


> Talked to my Ex the other day about something.
> I said;
> "But that is not based in reality"
> 
> ...


ha ha ha! I wouldnt want to live in their idea of reality!


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## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I KNOW this is much easier said than done, but you have to try and block him out. He is a pig.


I agree 100% just stay strong you can do it!


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