# I called a lawyer today



## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I'll give brief summary of my story:

we will be married for 11 years in Sept. I am 32, H is 38, we have 2 children, D 6 and S 5. I discovered his PA Oct. 2009, completely and utterly blindsided. I had no idea that he was unhappy in our marriage. We decided to try and work on our M. I did everything to try and save our M, bought the books, scheduled the dates, schedules MC for us, you name it, I did it. I thought we were on track with moving forward, it wasn't great but, I knew it was going to be a long process. I should also mention that we did seperate for about 3 weeks in Mar. 2010. After the seperation we talked a bit, looking back He never told me why he was unhappy, he just told me that he doesnt love me like a husband should, (ie. i love you but not in love). Anyways, we decide to work on our relationship, the only thing is, I did all the work. He didnt do a thing. he says he did and I asked him to give me an example of what he did to make us work, me and him without the kids...he came up with nothing. He told me that just by being here he was trying to make it work. So, the day after Fathers Day, which was a GREAT day, he tells me that he isnt happy. So, I take the kids and leave to my family 1000+ miles away for the rest of the summer. My thoughts were if I leave, he will finally see what it is like without his family around and to really think about us, and our family we created. That back fired. I found out that he contacted OW while we were away. So, we come home for the kids to start school. 

So, now here we are and he is on the fence. He doesnt know what to do. He is afraid to try with me and it not work out and he is afraid that he is making the biggest mistake of his life (duh!). I am more than willing to work out our issues, but I now realize that if he isnt, no matter what I do, it will not work if he isnt 100% commited to making it work. I know that our marriage won't be the same, but i truly believe it can be better than it ever was. We can be happy. He is so caught up in this "feeling" he has for OW. 

So, i finally know what i have to do, i vowed that i would not be the one to file for divorce bexause i am not the one who wants it. However, i cannot allow him to do this to me any longer. I cant wrap my head around him not knowing if he wants to keep our family together or not...how can you not know that? So, i called a lawyer this morning and i have a meeting set up with them in about a week. I have no idea what to ask, what to expect, anything! I am so sad, so heartbroken and so scared. I know I will be ok, but I am still scared. I love him, even after all he has done/put me through, I love him.


I am sure I left a lot out, if anyone has any questions, just ask.
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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

If your attorney is anything like mine, they will run with it, rush you thru questions ect.
Not that I don't have a great attorney, but they do this day in and day out. What is it that you want to do? It also depends on what state you live in. In SC, we have to be separated for one year....so when I went to my attorney, I gave her financial stuff, got my questions answered about what happens to who if they leave etc....I have, however filed for a temporary separation agreement. I had my attorney mail one to him, but he wouldn't agree or even discuss it...so now we go to court and let a judge agree and discuss it.

It was about $185 for me to meet w/mine before I retained her.....I drug it out too long hoping my ex would do something to change the course but he didn't. 

Do you have any divorced friends in your state you can talk to?

My advise is to have questions written down and take them with you. I'm telling you, between the nerves etc, you will forget something.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I don't want a D, but...I can't live like this any longer. It isn't fair to me or the kids. I guess, I just want to know the process, what are my rights, etc. I live in PA and I think it can be as quick as 90 days or as long as 2 years. Thankfully the attorney I found is giving me a free consultation. 

I don't have any divorced friends, they all basically are just getting married. 

I don't really talk about my problems with them...I don't want anybody's pity. 

Thanks for your input, its appreciated.
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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

By leaving him, it sure as hell isn't your fault that he contacted her and actually since you were the one doing all the work, you should be highly suspicious that the affair never ended. 

You've done the right thing by showing him how serious you are about not putting up with this, that is really the only chance you've got and the only way you can possibly knock him off the fence. 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You are stronger than you know.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

can'tbelieveit said:


> I don't want a D, but...I can't live like this any longer. It isn't fair to me or the kids. I guess, I just want to know the process, what are my rights, etc. I live in PA and I think it can be as quick as 90 days or as long as 2 years. Thankfully the attorney I found is giving me a free consultation.
> 
> I don't have any divorced friends, they all basically are just getting married.
> 
> ...



Your lawyer will be able to answer your questions as to the legal aspects. Please reach out to your friends and your family, you have NOT done anything wrong.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I know that. It was completely unexpected that he would contact the wh0re, homewrecker, whatever you want to call her. But he did, and that was his choice. This is all, his choice. 

Thanks southern, I know I haven't done anything wrong, but I still feel like I failed him somehow. I feel like I failed my kids somehow. 

I think this is an extremely bad day for me. I want to feel at peace with D, but I don't. I guess it will come in time...I hope it does.
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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I know it's not what you want to do..nobody does..but he has left you no choice..sometimes things like that happen to good people..why, I don't know.
But I do know that once you and the kids are gone, he will be sorry and suddenly, the OW won't look so hot, and we will kick himself for even wanting someone else when he had the world(you and the kids) right in front of him.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

HappyAtLast said:


> I know it's not what you want to do..nobody does..but he has left you no choice..sometimes things like that happen to good people..why, I don't know.
> But I do know that once you and the kids are gone, he will be sorry and suddenly, the OW won't look so hot, and we will kick himself for even wanting someone else when he had the world(you and the kids) right in front of him.


you are correct, this will be the biggest regret of his life, and our kids have to suffer for it.
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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

can'tbelieveit said:


> I know that. It was completely unexpected that he would contact the wh0re, homewrecker, whatever you want to call her. But he did, and that was his choice. This is all, his choice.
> 
> Thanks southern, I know I haven't done anything wrong, but I still feel like I failed him somehow. I feel like I failed my kids somehow.
> 
> ...



Stop that thinking that you failed your kids, you didn't. Your husband is the ass here and where you anger belongs is on him. 

Just concentrate on your children and healing yourself so you can be the best mom you can be to them and you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself legally.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Why don't you talk with the lawyer about filing for a legal separation vs a divorce.
You and your H can see what a divorce will feel like and either
1.you will be okay with it and decide to divorce
2. he will be okay with it and decide to divorce
3. both of you decide you don't like living fractured like that and you each decide to rebuild the marriage to each other from the mess and work together.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> Why don't you talk with the lawyer about filing for a legal separation vs a divorce.
> You and your H can see what a divorce will feel like and either
> 1.you will be okay with it and decide to divorce
> 2. he will be okay with it and decide to divorce
> 3. both of you decide you don't like living fractured like that and you each decide to rebuild the marriage to each other from the mess and work together.


Pennsylvania doesn't have legal separation. You can simply leave on your own and create your own 'separation' but be careful when you have kids. When it comes time to determine custody arrangements, the court will look at the 'status quo' and most likely try to keep that in place because it gives the kids stability. For example: If you get your own place, separate from the marital home, and the kids are living with you and your H just visits on weekends- the court may maintain that condition because anything else would be disruptive to the kids lives. Of course the other option is file for D.

In my case, I've filed for D but my W doesn't agree with me on custody arrangements. I want 50/50 and she wants the typical mom gets the kids and the house scenario. So I can't get my own place and leave the kids with her without jeopardizing my future rights. My only options are to somehow convince her to agree to my position or I must file a custody claim to have a temporary custody order issued by the court.


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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

We did seperate, I went to FL for about 6-7 weeks...we came home because the kids start school. He is living in the basement right now. We camnot afford another place right now. I am just now looking to get back into the workforce. As for custody, I dont want to keep them from their dad, they need him in their lives just as much as they need me. 

I wish you luck twindad--you should get 50..you are their dad, they need you as you need them.
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## can'tbelieveit (Dec 8, 2009)

I don't understand why he won't fight for us, his kids, his family? why? why are we not important enough? i just don't get it...any of it.
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