# How do you know if there is hope?



## Paris2017 (Dec 17, 2017)

My husband and I met over 3 years ago in London and we got married in September 2016 and moved immediately to Paris. My husband is French. He is 37 and I am 36. We moved here for his job and I gave up my job, friends and everything I built over the last 7 years in London to be with him in Paris. I do not speak French and almost 2 months ago I did not have a job here. I was pretty much lost and depressed in Paris. I did not make a huge effort to learn the language; in fact, I lied to my husband about going to French classes. I was constantly complaining about Paris and was listing everything that I did hate and saying I wanted to go back to London. I was just really depressed and felt really lonely and couldn't see a way out of although looking back it seems there were many ways. We did fight a lot because I felt I did not have enough emotional support from him and he did not feel I was making enough effort. 
The more I pushed for him to help me, the more he closed down and the more I kept pushing and the more we were in this cycle. To a point where our fights got ugly and we both thought there was no way out. We did scream wanting this marriage to end to each other many times during fights. 

During our last fight, while I was crying on the phone and yelling that I could not take this anymore, he yelled at me that he will be calling a divorce lawyer next week and that we were over. He has not changed his standpoint on this. In fact he has told his family and friends that he will get a divorce. He saw an attorney and wants to file for divorce and he asked me to get one as well. He paints our marriage black and sees only the worst and claims I have ruined everything and I did not love him and that I would not have behaved this way if I did love him. He thinks he has tried everything but he failed and he has been in too much pain and no one should ever be in this much pain. He thinks my challenge was not a big deal and does not see how difficult life can be in Paris when you have to start over at the age of 35 when you don’t know anyone and don’t speak the language. I feel his family and friends are behind him with his decision and he has created a lot of pressure on him to go through with the divorce. 

I have apologized to him and told him that I lost sight of what was important and instead of controlling what I could change which is making a life in Paris by learning the language and getting a job and stop complaining and living in the past, I have projected everything onto him and demanded him to fix my life and was angry at him for not fulfilling these expectations. 

We went to one session of therapy that we had booked prior to his decision to divorce. The therapist concentrated on my husband and tried to unblock him and show him he is acting in anger and too radical and should take a step back. She made us agree to separate first and see if a reconciliation was possible, I feel he only agreed to have the conversation end. 

We are still living together although he mentioned he wants to move out but has not done anything to do so. I am continuing to go to work; I found a very good job a few weeks before his announcement to divorce and have been working hard. I have been absolutely calm around him; smiling and making sure to be positive and happy, so that he will find calm again when being with me. We do spend a lot of time together still. I cook for us at night and we eat together and watch tv. We sleep in separate beds. He still wears his wedding ring and so do I. I know for sure that there is no one else. 

He keeps on telling me that he does not love me, he does not think I love him and he cannot see past the adoption period I believe we went through. He believes our first year of marriage should have been a honeymoon. He told me he is seeing the huge efforts I am making but he does not believe that it is sustainable. I try to show him they are sustainable as finally I have a job and I am fully aware of what went wrong and I am trying to fix my side of the marriage and at the same time give him a peaceful home. He said he wants to start the divorce proceedings asap and I have asked him to wait until my probation period ends at least as I have moved here for us and I would like to secure a good job at least. But there is no talking to him, he just completely shut down. He is almost like on autopilot and going full speed. 

I miss him very much and I do feel he is in pain and does still love me although he told me the contrary. I believe I can do what I have failed to do over the past year if he was to give us another chance but he seems immovable in his decision. I don't know where to find the strenght and the hope to continue fighting for us...


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There is always hope, but it might not be found in this relationship.


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## Paris2017 (Dec 17, 2017)

Thank you for your responses... I am wondering if his vision is clouded and if time would help to calm things down... What about forgiveness?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would say yes give it time. But you have to decide can you live in France, do you really want this life. If yes then you have to commit to it. It's pretty obvious he is not going to move to London.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think you backed him into a corner with your constant fighting and he lashed out and said he wanted a divorce.By telling his friends and family he now refuses to be seen to back down.
I would start preparing for life as a single woman,maybe look up the “180”. 
I am not racist by any means but dealing with French people would try the patience of a saint.Their arrogance is astonishing and their refusal to countenance that other people may be right is inbred.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Paris2017 said:


> Thank you for your responses... I am wondering if his vision is clouded and* if time would help to calm things down*... What about forgiveness?


Time?

Yes, time heals all wounds.
Excepting those words that are cancerous. They never heal. Cannot. The instruction set has been re-written.

Rewritten in a language of 'their own'. A language not of your own. A language not of your birth. Birthright.

Right?

Why is it that this marriage, your' marriage must self heal?
Because you will it, want it....so?

You formed a union with another person, one of the opposite sex. And it did not work out.

For the usual reason, compatibility.
You two, likely very normal people are not compatible.

You fell in love with your husband [more so] for romantic reasons, than for practical reasons.

In fairness, he should have seen his error, in moving you to a strange [for you] country where you do not speak the language. 
He lacks compassion. His love was not that strong. 
However, you both married later in life and as such, are not subject to the wild whims and passions of youth. 
He matured properly. So have you... as of now.

Yes, you should have made every effort to learn French. I will admit, languages are hard to master. 
Some people are very good at picking them up, most people struggle.

What now?
Lick your wounds, get divorced, enjoy the memories.
Take these memories and savor the good parts for the remainder of your days.

Oh, do not bring any bad memories or baggage into any future relationship.
I am telling you, life is fantastic, it is the most wonderful thing ever to happen to any former non-living matter. 

Get past this disappointment. Get out there and start over. Someone will find you delicious....and you will reciprocate.
There are plenty of sweet apples on those trees.

Accept the divorce....move on, move up. Fly at great heights in some English speaking land.

Good luck, Dear. I would say 'Mon Cherie', but I do not speak a lick or a spit of French!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Paris2017 said:


> Thank you for your responses... I am wondering if his vision is clouded and if time would help to calm things down... What about forgiveness?


Yes. Madam. forgive.

See if it helps. 
..................................................................................................................

I suspect, that the 'for' placed ahead of the 'give' will be for you to appreciate and only thou will be the 'giver'.

With nothing 'arriver', in return, no respondent words.
Words, that never come, no words will rebound to your ears. 
Oh, never to reach, never a kind word to reach your mind, to soothe your soul.

Say it to us.
We accept your apology.

We are sorry too, as listeners.
As unknown friends in/on the internet.

The Typist-


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

How was your sex life?


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