# I keep making it worse



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I'm still having a hard time specially at night time, I wish I had someone not saying a guy that I could call at night when I feel this way so that I would not call H and make things all worse then what they are already! 

The thing that drives me crazy is when he ignores my calls. 

How in the world does any of this get better, and how does one work on them selves. I get so much mixed things from people, some say do for you ! Some say worry about your kids and do you later. I went and got about 10 boxes from the lib to read I will post the titles in a few minutes. But a gf of mine said F the self help books you don't need those you need to work on your kids.

I don't know how to work on me, I have been a mom and a wife for 24 years. I have always put myself last and never thought about myself. 

I did go buy a gym membership and looking forward to going to the gym starting next week, I figure I can go in the afternoon when my girl is at school. The gym is walking distance from my house. Then I think if I have some rough days I might even go back in the evenings to burn off some stress. Other then that I don't know what to do for myself !


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

The Books I got are :

Life Is What You Make It ..........Find Your Own Path to Fulfillment 
from Peter Buffett

Renew Your Marriage at Midlife from Steven Brody 

Mars and Venus Starting Over John Gray ( Reading this one now)

I will Not Be Broken from Jerry White 5 Steps to Overcome a Life Crisis

Real Life by Dr Phil 10 Stupid Things Couples do to mess up their Marriage from Dr. Laura Schlesinger

Seven Secrets of a Happy Marriage from David Popenoe

Self Matters From Dr Phil Emotional Infidelity , How to Avoid it and 10 other Secrets to a Great Marriage from Gary Neuman

A Womens Intuition Unlocking the Wisdom of the Body by Paual Reeves 


I know there is a lot of books people suggest on here and I didn't remember them. If there is some that really helped you please let me know I don't know if I will be able to get them here cause this lib sucks but I might be able to get them to order them in !


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Jaded Heart said:


> I'm still having a hard time specially at night time, I wish I had someone not saying a guy that I could call at night when I feel this way so that I would not call H and make things all worse then what they are already!
> 
> The thing that drives me crazy is when he ignores my calls.
> 
> How in the world does any of this get better, and how does one work on them selves. I get so much mixed things from people, some say do for you ! Some say worry about your kids and do you later. I went and got about 10 boxes from the lib to read I will post the titles in a few minutes. But a gf of mine said F the self help books you don't need those you need to work on your kids.


How can you do the best for your kids if you are a mess?
You first, then the kids.



> I don't know how to work on me, I have been a mom and a wife for 24 years. I have always put myself last and never thought about myself.


and thats the same problem I have / had, always put myself low down on the list, everyone else always came before myself, in the end didn't a whole lot of good for me, and hurt the people I had highest on my list.



> I did go buy a gym membership and looking forward to going to the gym starting next week, I figure I can go in the afternoon when my girl is at school. The gym is walking distance from my house. Then I think if I have some rough days I might even go back in the evenings to burn off some stress.


Certainly wont hurt, and being around others will be of help as well.



> Other then that I don't know what to do for myself !


you start thinking about yourself first


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

wish I could hlp ya...I've read a lot, done my time with no contact...things are going good for me, but tomorrow could be different...

if you really need someone to shout at in the middle of the night, pm me and I'll give ya my number...i'm usually tossing and tunring anyways!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Jaded Heart said:


> I did go buy a gym membership and looking forward to going to the gym starting next week, I figure I can go in the afternoon when my girl is at school. The gym is walking distance from my house. Then I think if I have some rough days I might even go back in the evenings to burn off some stress. Other then that I don't know what to do for myself !


:smthumbup: Great start. Ive started working out again, too. It does wonders. 

Maybe you could look up some books about how to deal with the loss of a loved one.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Don't call him. Seriously, if he ignores your calls it only makes things worse, right?
Makes you feel awful that he won't answer. So stop calling! You are torturing yourself by continuing with your behavior.

I know it hurts, and I know it sucks, trust me, I am in the same position but you need to focus on things that make you happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I truly know EXACTLY how you are feeling. The kicker is, I did not love OR like my husband, but now that I've discovered all his "ugly truths," AND he has been kicked out for the second time, I am obsessed! I check all of his accounts OFTEN, and at night (like right now) is the hardest. I am about to go out right now and run errands and maybe do a "tiny" bit of shopping. I need to get out of this house! Gonna open my moon roof, crank my stereo in my car, and FEEL ALIVE and FREE! When he won't return calls or texts (at night) and says stuff like "I think there is something wrong with my phone" (REALLY?) It truly makes me nuts! I envision all the things he is doing, and who he might be doing it with and I literally can't stand it. I FINALLY got an attorney yesterday and will meet with her again on Monday, and appt. with Counselor on Tuesday. I am proud to announce, that I am on my second day of not contacting OR obsessing except for business matters, and I have been VERY non-emotional, and to the point. Only 2 days now, but it's a start. I think you need to start just NOT contacting him by using sheer willpower, and when you find you can actually do it, it is so freeing and liberating. I also need to "get back to the gym." We all need to do the whole "mind, body, and soul," thing, but it's hard to go to the gym when you are crying.......Or read your book for book group when you can't form a thought. I GET IT!!!!!!! Hang in there babe. MAKE yourself stay away and follow that "180 thread" I ran across. Makes a lot of sense. You have to tailor those rules for your actual situation, but try it. GOOD LUCK


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Me too. The evenings are bad. I bet I can beat you in the [email protected] category though. I pulled a doozy last night. I'm not proud. I messed things up. He said he's calling an attorney. 

I think you put you AND your kids first. That is done by putting him last. You can do this.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Thanks everyone, I'm looking forward to the gym on Monday ! 

I didn't talk to him today except when he picked up the kids and dropped them off. And then it was basically just about the kids and did they eat and blah blah! 

I do the same thing at night , wonder what he is doing, who he is talking to, who he is with and all those things. That is what drives me insane, I need to take my mind away from all that and let it go! It is every hard considering he wanted this and not me. 

Knowing that he talks to other people specially one girl that is a new one that he seems to be obessing over. I just think to myself whatever he doesn't know what he is doing. What I know of my H , makes me believe he can play the game but when it comes down to it I don't think he can. And if he does then I know for sure he did what he needed to do and that was leave me. 

I still have hope and faith, I'm determined to become a Happy, Beautiful , Strong Independent Woman someone that he will want and miss. And if he doesn't then there is always someone out there that wants a women like that!


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

I feel your pain girl. My husband decided that we "just aren't right for each other" about 2 weeks ago. Of course I have come to find out that he is having an affair. And although he says that the marriage was doomed before the affair started I can't help but feel like this separation that he has forced upon me is mainly so he can run around with her (which he has admitted to doing). Even though he has changed into someone I no longer recognize, I still love and miss him. And the nights are the hardest (thats why I'm awake at 3:15 am). Like you I have no clue where to go from here. All I have known for my entire adult life is to be a mother and wife. And I'm not even sure how to parent on my own some days


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Jaded Heart and Jdb...I won't tell you it gets better (but it does)...I won't tell you sleep comes easier (I'm up at 5:30!)...

but you do get stronger, you do gain confidence in being alone...work hard on being the best parent you can be...spoil yourself if you get a chance...I'm not ashamed to say this old man likes to take bubble baths when things get down on me...take a book in there and read for awhile...I'm liken who I am right now and thats because I've worked on me!


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Jaded-

I think that you're finding out that he wasn't who you thought he was. I question whether I ever really knew my wife at all.
The thought of being a strong, beautiful independent woman is good. You can do that. Keep focusing on that until it becomes real for you. I'm doing the same thing now. I start to feel strong, then the doubts creep in and my resolve gets shaky.
Work out. Work on your well being. An emotional wreck can't be there for her children. A strong woman can. Find the strong woman and make her happy. Right now, worry about your well being. It will make it easier to get through. When you come out the other side of this, maybe you'll be a stronger person, scars and all.
I wish you the very best.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I feel your pain too. wow there are a lot of us out there and it seems that we all got the same line of [email protected]

This is one of the hardest things you will ever do. But you will do it, and you will still be standing a year from now. Work on you, pamper yourself. You do need to be strong for the kids.

Hugs to you girlfriend.

And yes me too - I wonder if I know my husband at all. This POS he is now is so far from the man I knew & loved, so far from Daddy. It is really scary.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> And yes me too - I wonder if I know my husband at all. This POS he is now is so far from the man I knew & loved, so far from Daddy. It is really scary.


same here, W & I were together 20+ years, guess I didn't know her at all.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

jdb3---- I know what you mean. My H was having an affair with his brother wife. Now they still talk but he is all into this one girl from his childhood. All I say is go for it, if she makes you happy then awesome. I know in my heart of hearts that he won't be able to be with someone that isn't me. Sad thing is I will be here when he is done playing the field, Will the door be open or closed I have no clue ! 

Castingabout------oh yes I have seen him do things that I would never imagine my H doing. It kinda blows me away . Even shocks his family cause he is not acting the way we are all use too. So the question is, was he the true person all those years and the person he is today real or the other way around. 

Thanks to you all! Your all my rock, it is really sad to see so many of us going through the same thing. 

Do you think it is wrong of me to talk to a man friend from my past? I just find it comfy and I can talk to him about anything. It really helps me get through


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

Talk to him  Find joy. Don't jump in to a relationship but talk  enjoy  Live!
That is not wrong!


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

and in reply to seeing a totally different man...
I have not found any better feelings opening my eyes to see the very same man... the one that totally changed never stayed more than a few weeks. Always the very same man... that also sucks and makes me feel stupid...
I am sorry for your pain *hug*


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Definitely do not find another guy right now. Neither you nor your kids will benefit--and it's likely to be damaging to them.

"Working on 'you' " means doing what you are doing--venting, reading, gym, therapy, etc. Try journaling and see if that helps. Write down a question about a person's character or personality you've noticed, and ask yourself how YOU are in this regard. Or, consider what others have said about you and explore their words for yourself--in a non-judgmental way. The point is to become more aware of your tendencies, and to practice ways to work with those (when they are positive) or to harness them somewhat (when they are negative). For example, I get really anxious and defensive when a student suggests I've done something wrong. Usually, this is really a message about the student's own frustration more than anything else, so it is NOT helpful for me to blame the kid and defend myself. I have to remember that my first response is likely to be defensive, and hopefully, before the words are out of my mouth! I've developed some phrases which I've actually practiced over and over to say when I get that anxious feeling with a student, so now those practiced words are more likely to spill out and lead to a more productive conversation. 

More than anything else, your kids need your time, presence, and attentiveness. You don't have to "do" a lot, but make yourself available to them and seem open to them. It's a really good idea to ask them some opening questions occasionally--with them one-on-one, or in a group sometimes. Car rides and bedtime are good (unless kids are too sleepy, of course). Do not label their feelings for them unless they need help with that. It's better to ask "How do you feel about dad being gone so much lately?" rather than "Are you sad about dad being gone so much lately?" But, if they are too little or have trouble labeling feelings, you can use some words to help them. You can reference their behavior and ask about specifics--"I noticed you got frustrated about that TV show not being on, and that is not like you so much. Why do you think that bothered you so much?"


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jaded, as the affair with his bro's wife exposed? What happened with that?

Hey if your Husband is out and wants a divorce, HELL YES talk to people who make you feel good about yourself.


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