# What are your privacy rules in your marriage and how do you make your spouse respect your privacy ?



## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

What do you tell and not tell your spouse? 

Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows. 
And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that. 

Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives. 

That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties. 

What are you privacy rules in your marriage? 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

vintagetriplex said:


> ,,, she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.


Has she ever done either of these things before? If not, what makes you feel it's a possibility?



vintagetriplex said:


> I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t


You want your wife to be happy. I get that. But a facade will only get you so far. It sounds like your wife wants to get to a deeper level of knowing you. Emotional intimacy is important for women. What you've said thus far sounds like the just-suck-it-up philosophy. Again, that will only get you so far. People have problems, issues, emotional baggage. It's just life. And your wife probably wants you to share all aspects of your life with her. Even the insecurities and doubts.

I don't know if you've had your wife or other women talk behind your back in the past. I get the feeling they have, since you seem to think women sit around husband-bashing when they get together. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I haven't experienced it much. In fact, if a woman starts really griping about her partner to me, I tune it out or suggest counseling. I'll listen to some of it and then strongly suggest the woman take her complaints directly to her husband.

People want an authentic partner. Life IS authentic. It's full of pitfalls and challenges. Showing someone only a small part of yourself and putting on an act isn't authentic.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Oh I am quite sure you will get some flack on here for your position, but I for one share that mentality. I found that my ex's, and really women in general, would pry into my personal history. I had a very serious family matter once and after tons of prying by an ex, because she "wants to know everything", I reluctantly told her. She took that to her ENTIRE family within minutes!!! And once it goes to the family, it then is broadcast with bird chirping. 

Women want to chat about sex life, their "man", and anything else they can find except themselves. I know this because I have sat in on plenty of women convos and I am left thinking "I don't need to know her man's personal details!"...... They think it is just normal, but I consider it a large invasion of privacy. 

I receive plenty of negatives from people here, but I make it no secret that I am now locked down. I have one that still does not even know I have kids or my correct name. Once they get enough info, they will turn into a detective and scour the Inet for details. I will NOT friend then on FB, and I no longer share things like family pics, etc. If I have any medical issue, only my closest family gets that info. 

Again, it is not for everyone, but I for one can appreciate what you are doing. It really sucks when you cannot trust, but I think history has painted a clear picture. Gossip is the word of the day.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> What do you tell and not tell your spouse?
> 
> Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
> And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.
> ...


Yeah I would think that most people would expect to hear about their spouses extended family and not have it be a mystery, as well as their personal lives. There is much more to being a husband then working and doing stuff around the house.

Typically marriage involves emotional intimacy. It's nearly impossible to have that is you are completely closed off emotionally. Seems you have a very deep fear of being gossiped about and being poorly or unfairly judged? My question would be why? Has your wife had a history of doing this? Why would you marry someone you have so little trust in? Are you sure you are not depressed because your only outlet for this kind of stuff, which seems to be your parents are gone now?

I guess your wife is fine with it assuming she knew this when she married you. I doubt most would.

I don't really believe in Privacy in marriage for the most part. I mean maybe going to the bathroom things like that. I trust my wife not to gossip or insult me as she would only be insulting herself.

Besides I generally don't give a **** what people say about me. The people who are important know who I am and have no reason to doubt that.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Yeah I would think that most people would expect to hear about their spouses extended family and not have it be a mystery, as well as their personal lives. There is much more to being a husband then working and doing stuff around the house.
> 
> Typically marriage involves emotional intimacy. It's nearly impossible to have that is you are completely closed off emotionally. Seems you have a very deep fear of being gossiped about and being poorly or unfairly judged? My question would be why? Has your wife had a history of doing this? Why would you marry someone you have so little trust in? Are you sure you are not depressed because your only outlet for this kind of stuff, which seems to be your parents are gone now?
> 
> ...


My wife doesn’t have a history of doing this but I see a lot of women do that so who knows what she does behind my back. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Has she ever done either of these things before? If not, what makes you feel it's a possibility?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My wife didn’t do these things (as far as I know) but who knows what she does behind my back. 


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont hide anything from him, why should I, he is my husband and absolute best friend. He is closer to me than anyone else, and thats as it should be.
Oh and BTW I never moan and complain about my husband to others, nor do I share our personal issues with others.None of my girlfrends do that either.
It sounds as if you are either somewhat paranoid, or you can't trust your wife.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We know just about everything about each other and what's going on with friends and family. We don't share negative gossip about each other with anyone else, but may say good things without providing much detail. I'm sure of that as I've overheard plenty of conversations. We have as much privacy as we want, but there is rarely a need for that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, in the last 6 months you've lost a grandmother and both parents? Hmmm.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> My wife didn’t do these things (as far as I know) but who knows what she does behind my back.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Perhaps taking a step back and observing what you are saying and your behaviour might help. You said she doesn't do these things as far as you know, but then project your fear/insecurity onto her as to make that possible behaviour a definite.

At the end of the day, if you are confident, _truly_ confident within yourself, that stuff shouldn't matter. If you are spending so much time on making sure you craft the right 'image', you are not working on being the best (i.e. Genuine) person you can be.

I do get it. I have been where you are, and there came a time where something just 'clicked' inside, and I stopped giving a rats about what people thought about me. I put forth the best version of myself then they can choose whether to accept it or not.

Have you had a talk with your wife about it? Have you voiced your concerns that there are certain things that should remain between husband and wife?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Luminous said:


> Perhaps taking a step back and observing what you are saying and your behaviour might help. You said she doesn't do these things as far as you know, but then project your fear/insecurity onto her as to make that possible behaviour a definite.
> 
> At the end of the day, if you are confident, _truly_ confident within yourself, that stuff shouldn't matter. If you are spending so much time on making sure you craft the right 'image', you are not working on being the best (i.e. Genuine) person you can be.
> 
> ...


I didn’t talk to her about those and I don’t have the courage to even talk about with my wife because she may think I’m ridiculous for that alone so won’t dare try. She may ridicule me. 


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

So, basically your wife has no idea who she is married to. There is something wrong with _both_ of you to live this way. 

You hide your baby pictures, your childhood, your health issues, your family, your friends from your wife... What _do_ you share with her? Part of being married is sharing your life with someone, not hiding your life from them. If you don't talk to her because you think she will ridicule you then you either need therapy or a divorce, depending on who is at fault for that.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

I share everything and have no privacy from my wife really. She knows everything about me. I don't share every stupid thought with her either though. Sometimes she pisses me off and luckily I've grown up enough not to just blurt out every stupid thing that may cross my mind- and I have plenty of those. 

Like, you can't just vent and complain to a women even though these emotions can be pretty strong in a man. Part of me likes a good fight you know- but I've found it pretty counterproductive to let her see that all the time.

For example, my wife says in a moment of stress "you're working too much and really need to take tomorrow off to help me get ready for...". My immediate response is frustration and I could easily blurt out "I've got a project due on Friday and that's impossible!". Or "your lack of planning is my problem". Sometimes as a man it's better to suck it up and keep your first/angry responses to yourself. 

This may seem disingenuous but in my case it's protecting my wife from the "little angry and scared man" inside of me and trying to project the "confident, powerful, and in control man" that I want to be.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> I didn’t talk to her about those and I don’t have the courage to even talk about with my wife because she may think I’m ridiculous for that alone so won’t dare try. She may ridicule me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Do you have anyone in your life that you trust enough to talk about this stuff?

I mean anyone who thinks someone being sad and mourning the death of their parents and loved is "ridiculous" ones is completely unreasonable and not worth the effort. I have to say though I think most of end the biggest asshole are not going to think that is "ridiculous". 

Have you had people in your life treat you like that?

As for your wife, presumably she washes your underwear right? My point is if she wants to find something to give you a hard time about she will, if she is that much of an asshole. I mean she married you right? There is a very good chance she loves you. Why would she treat you the way you assume she would?

Let me ask you this, would you do this to your wife?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Donny69 said:


> I share everything and have no privacy from my wife really. She knows everything about me. I don't share every stupid thought with her either though. Sometimes she pisses me off and luckily I've grown up enough not to just blurt out every stupid thing that may cross my mind- and I have plenty of those.
> 
> Like, you can't just vent and complain to a women even though these emotions can be pretty strong in a man. Part of me likes a good fight you know- but I've found it pretty counterproductive to let her see that all the time.
> 
> ...


I agree, but I would suspect some of our female posters would say the same thing about us husbands. Sometimes I have an internal laugh when I can see my wife holding in her frustrations (with steam coming out of her ears) when I say or do something that I think is perfectly acceptable. That's marriage right? It's hard to live with someone and be with them day in and day out, doesn't mean you don't love them and want to do that though.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Do you have anyone in your life that you trust enough to talk about this stuff?
> 
> I mean anyone who thinks someone being sad and mourning the death of their parents and loved is "ridiculous" ones is completely unreasonable and not worth the effort. I have to say though I think most of end the biggest asshole are not going to think that is "ridiculous".
> 
> ...


Yes I do have friends and I do turn to my friends (just like they turn to me) and no I would never do that to my wife. 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are making a number of assumptions about your wife. What do you seek here? Feedback? Just need to vent? Looking to change your perspective?

Because you are here for a reason. From my vantage point, it appears you have painted yourself into a corner. You'll turn to your friends to discuss emotionally-laden aspects of your life, but you dismiss doing so to your wife based on unfounded assumptions.

Maybe it's not so much that you think she'd blab to everyone on earth about your secrets, maybe it's that you are terrified of being authentic, transparent, and (most of all) vulnerable. JMO.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> You are making a number of assumptions about your wife. What do you seek here? Feedback? Just need to vent? Looking to change your perspective?
> 
> Because you are here for a reason. From my vantage point, it appears you have painted yourself into a corner. You'll turn to your friends to discuss emotionally-laden aspects of your life, but you dismiss doing so to your wife based on unfounded assumptions.
> 
> Maybe it's not so much that you think she'd blab to everyone on earth about your secrets, maybe it's that you are terrified of being authentic, transparent, and (most of all) vulnerable. JMO.


I’m not completely afraid to be vulnerable since I turn to my close friends. 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So why are you married exactly? Love encompasses far more than sex. Do you and your wife share interests and hobbies? Do you spend quality time together? Or are you expending your energy on maintaining the strong-silent-man role?

And I think you realize that I'm addressing you being vulnerable vis-a-vis your wife, NOT your friends. Seriously.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So why are you married exactly? Love encompasses far more than sex. Do you and your wife share interests and hobbies? Do you spend quality time together? Or are you expending your energy on maintaining the strong-silent-man role?
> 
> And I think you realize that I'm addressing you being vulnerable vis-a-vis your wife, NOT your friends. Seriously.


Yes we do share some interest and a couple of hobbies and I do have convos with her but only about positive stuff. 


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Vintagetriplex, I don't understand why you even got married; it seems you are much closer to your friends than your wife. You share "some interests and a couple of hobbies"? How long have you been married?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's beginning to sound like it was an arranged marriage.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Pam said:


> Vintagetriplex, I don't understand why you even got married; it seems you are much closer to your friends than your wife. You share "some interests and a couple of hobbies"? How long have you been married?


We’ve been married for 14 years. We share some interests and couple of hobbies. I feel more comfortable with my friends because they listen without judging. I don’t feel comfortable confiding in any other women other then my mother. But she is gone now. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> It's beginning to sound like it was an arranged marriage.


This is not an arranged marriage. 


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

vintagetriplex said:


> This is not an arranged marriage.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Then, did you get married by proxy?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Then, did you get married by proxy?


We married each other because we wanted to. 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If having privacy "rules" works for you, then okay. But you asked for opinions, so here goes: I kept a lot from my late husband. As he descended into madness as a result of chronic alcoholism, I just kept my feelings and what was going on in my life to myself. It's called self-preservation.

If things had been different, I wouldn't have resorted to conducting my marriage that way. Your marriage sounds bogus to me. I guess you want opinions, but I don't have a clue why. You apparently are satisfied with hanging out with friends and confiding to them, while giving your wife the happy-happy-joy-joy version so she'll have a smile on her face.

So I'd rather be alone than live with a husband who was a two-dimensional cutout who thought his primary purpose was to entertain and amuse me with a phony facade. If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question.

Best of luck.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I think I would have to rescind my previous post. I guess I assumed you were as cool as I am with this privacy position, but after seeing more of your posts, it seems obvious that you either need to role the dice and confide in your SO, or pay someone to talk to. It sounds like you "had" someone to confide in, and that person has passed. 

You can possible try to "spoon feeding" tactic by dribbling a little info her way and see what she does with it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> a husband who was a two-dimensional cutout who thought his primary purpose was to entertain and amuse me with a phony facade. If you don't like the answer, don't ask the question.


I don't think you have any clue how many men in the USA live this way. Heard countless stories, and some here about women not even knowing about the REAL financial situation because men realize if it is not "fun and happy", the women are gone. Please poke back through posts. Man has great job and money. Gets attractive lady and new BWM.... Man loses job, woman "understands" for about 5min, then leaves for another man with.....great job, gets another BMW.... and the story repeats. 

I am not saying the OP should follow this mentality right now, but I try to keep things real anymore.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I don't think you have any clue how many men in the USA live this way. Heard countless stories, and some here about women not even knowing about the REAL financial situation because men realize if it is not "fun and happy", the women are gone. Please poke back through posts. Man has great job and money. Gets attractive lady and new BWM.... Man loses job, woman "understands" for about 5min, then leaves for another man with.....great job, gets another BMW.... and the story repeats.
> 
> I am not saying the OP should follow this mentality right now, but I try to keep things real anymore.


I feel sorry for men who are this distrustful about women's nature. It's kind of like the men who look at women like children, some men see women as Machiavellian vipers. There is nothing in my experience that shows these assumptions to be true. Look, some women are just as great and some suck just as much as men. That's about it. If you pick the right spouse she is nothing but a help to you, pick the wrong one and your life is a living hell. What genitals they have has nothing to do with it.

Also some of this is a self fulfilling prophecy in a sense, if you are secretive and hide stuff from someone whose normal expectation is you will be open, they are probably going to seem nosy to you if they naturally want to understand why.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

sokillme said:


> I feel sorry for men who are this distrustful about women's nature. It's kind of like the men who look at women like children, some men see women as Machiavellian vipers. There is nothing in my experience that shows these assumptions to be true. Look, some women are just as great and some suck just as much as men. That's about it. If you pick the right spouse she is nothing but a help to you, pick the wrong one and your life is a living hell. What genitals they have has nothing to do with it.
> 
> Also some of this is a self fulfilling prophecy in a sense, if you are secretive and hide stuff from someone whose normal expectation is you will be open, they are probably going to seem nosy to you if they naturally want to understand why.


I could hotly debate that subject with a LOT of quotes right from this site to support the narrative easily. But out of respect to the OP and his thread, I will yield back on that...... 

OP, I have no idea of your state of health but what helps me when my mental demons start circling, I exercise. There is science that backs this up as a way to clear your mind. Many people with great loss take this on as a full time hobby because it is so effective.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I don't think you have any clue how many men in the USA live this way.


WTF are you talking about? I'm not clueless. I'm giving MY opinion. Since you admit to not even giving someone your real name or the fact you have children ... meh. Yeah, you've got a real grip on the pulse of America. LOL!!!! I'll fix this for you and put you on ignore. Fixed it!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> WTF are you talking about? I'm not clueless. I'm giving MY opinion. Since you admit to not even giving someone your real name or the fact you have children ... meh. Yeah, you've got a real grip on the pulse of America. LOL!!!! I'll fix this for you and put you on ignore. Fixed it!


Well, I should not have insinuated that you are clueless, as that was not my intent. My apology! Only that I have had a LOT of time to evaluate relationship functions, at least within my own country. You are going to tell me when your girl friend gabs about their new man, about the 2nd fact out of her mouth is't about his JOB? I realize women will down play this, but I have literally read a relationship book by a WOMAN that this is a woman's "vetting method" to determine a man's worth, financially.

And you can literally see it play out across the globe. 70yo dude with a 20yo hotty? CASH.... Do women marry their "fitness trainer" (man *****) from the gym? No? Because the job pays very little and she won't get a BMW.

This causes a LOT of stress and anxiety in men if they score a woman 2-3 points higher than them because if they fail to keep that money moving, she is gone. This is what causes men to lie and hide actual financial facts. Heard of one years ago where a successful investor committed suicide in his plane. His wife was practically a model and did not know he owed millions in taxes and lost investments. 

I could go on, but I have realized my views are not taken well on a "marriage" forum. But you really have to look the thousands of posts about "problems in my marriage". That is precisely what I have done. Find the common denominators, because that is how my mind functions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> Yes I do have friends and I do turn to my friends (just like they turn to me) and no I would never do that to my wife.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


So you dont mind what you tell friends, but you dont tell the one person who should be your best and closest friend. To not tell your wife anything about your family or even show her pictures of you as a child is completely bizarre? What are you ashamed of?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> We’ve been married for 14 years. We share some interests and couple of hobbies. I feel more comfortable with my friends because they listen without judging. I don’t feel comfortable confiding in any other women other then my mother. But she is gone now.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Women are just as capable as being good listeners as men, after all, the majoroty of counsellors are women. I think you have been given a very skewed idea of women, maybe its your culture or how you were bought up. What is your country of origin?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My husband and I don't have any privacy rules. I learned from my first marriage that I shouldn't vocalize every thought that gets inside my head. I now understand the beauty of mystery. It does help that there are discussion like this one to float ideas and get feedback to prep one on the kind of reception that those ideas in real life might get. They did not exist in the 90s.

I speak every couple of weeks with close friend. Out friendship is built on discussing our interactions with other people. I credit her with guiding me in dealing with the bumps in my courtship with my current husband. When we talk, my husband reminds me to shut the doo.r


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

So it's like you're living a double life.

Part of your life you share it with your friends and family and another part you share it with your wife. For whatever paranoid reason you think your wife is going to talk bad about you behind your back. I think this is weird but whatever!

It might be you are a very insecure man and fear your partner is going to judge you or leave you based on your baby pictures (what?!?!)

It's very weird to me to have such marriage. 

If you both are happy, whatever! To each their own!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Well, I should not have insinuated that you are clueless, as that was not my intent. My apology! Only that I have had a LOT of time to evaluate relationship functions, at least within my own country. You are going to tell me when your girl friend gabs about their new man, about the 2nd fact out of her mouth is't about his JOB? I realize women will down play this, but I have literally read a relationship book by a WOMAN that this is a woman's "vetting method" to determine a man's worth, financially.
> 
> And you can literally see it play out across the globe. 70yo dude with a 20yo hotty? CASH.... Do women marry their "fitness trainer" (man ***) from the gym? No? Because the job pays very little and she won't get a BMW.
> 
> ...


I find your post quite bizarre. I am in my 60's and have never met a woman who thinks that way. I am sure there are a few in some circles but its not widespread.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> I didn’t talk to her about those and I don’t have the courage to even talk about with my wife because she may think I’m ridiculous for that alone so won’t dare try. She may ridicule me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


This is messed up. If you can’t talk to your wife, why in the hell did the two of you get married? WTF


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Because you are to much of a coward to talk to your wife, you are missing out on the best part of a marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I agree that you are missing out. Let's assume that your wife married you because she loved you right. Maybe she will be a help to you and treat you with respect and honor. 

Can I ask you do you ever talk to your guy friends about your marriage and wife? I mean talking to friends about your marriage husband or wife isn't necessarily disrespectful or even gossip. Sometimes it is useful to get some good perspective. My friends like my wife and would have her best interest at heart. I think that is true about my wife's friends and family. I consider them my friends too, as she does mine.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

sokillme said:


> I agree that you are missing out. Let's assume that your wife married you because she loved you right. Maybe she will be a help to you and treat you with respect and honor.
> 
> Can I ask you do you ever talk to your guy friends about your marriage and wife? I mean talking to friends about your marriage husband or wife isn't necessarily disrespectful or even gossip. Sometimes it is useful to get some good perspective. My friends like my wife and would have her best interest at heart. I think that is true about my wife's friends and family. I consider them my friends too, as she does mine.


I don’t talk to my friends about my marriage and I do not consider my wife’s friends as my friends. 


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> Well, I should not have insinuated that you are clueless, as that was not my intent. My apology! Only that I have had a LOT of time to evaluate relationship functions, at least within my own country. You are going to tell me when your girl friend gabs about their new man, about the 2nd fact out of her mouth is't about his JOB? I realize women will down play this, but I have literally read a relationship book by a WOMAN that this is a woman's "vetting method" to determine a man's worth, financially.
> 
> And you can literally see it play out across the globe. 70yo dude with a 20yo hotty? CASH.... Do women marry their "fitness trainer" (man ***) from the gym? No? Because the job pays very little and she won't get a BMW.
> 
> ...


Yeah... and we could have another angry post by woman about how men go for the looks only.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You claim that you have no fear of abandonment, yet your posts fairly scream that you are scared to death your wife will leave you if she gets to know the real you. So, you keep her at arm's length and maintain a surface-level marriage. 

With all of the grief you are processing, you might want to check on getting counseling.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Yeah... and we could have another angry post by woman about how men go for the looks only.


I agree, there are bad choices man and women. Doesn't make them all bad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> I don’t talk to my friends about my marriage and I do not consider my wife’s friends as my friends.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


OK that is your choice, but then why are you posting about it here? Are you starting to reconsider? I think the general consensus both from Men and Women is that you are missing out on what could be a good thing in your life. I would also add what is the worst thing that could happen? If she is a jerk then you will find out and go right back to what you are doing now, keeping her at arms length. That might be good to know anyway. Maybe you should take the chance, you can start slow and see what happens. 

You really need to get rid of this misconception that women don't have the capacity to be loyal. Now maybe you married poorly but shouldn't you find out? Was your Mom like this? Is there no woman in your life that you trust?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

sokillme said:


> OK that is your choice, but then why are you posting about it here? Are you starting to reconsider? I think the general consensus both from Men and Women is that you are missing out on what could be a good thing in your life. I would also add what is the worst thing that could happen? If she is a jerk then you will find out and go right back to what you are doing now, keeping her at arms length. That might be good to know anyway. Maybe you should take the chance, you can start slow and see what happens.
> 
> You really need to get rid of this misconception that women don't have the capacity to be loyal. Now maybe you married poorly but shouldn't you find out? Was your Mom like this? Is there no woman in your life that you trust?


My mom wasn’t like this. That’s why she was the only woman I trusted when she was alive. She was the first person I turned to. I felt safe with her. But now that she is gone, I have to man up. If my close friends are busy or something then I deal with whatever problems I have alone. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

vintagetriplex said:


> My mom wasn’t like this. That’s why she was the only woman I trusted when she was alive. She was the first person I turned to. I felt safe with her. But now that she is gone, I have to man up. If my close friends are busy or something then I deal with whatever problems I have alone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Maybe your attachment to your mother was beyond healthy, since you do not trust any other woman? usually if you have a good relationship with your parent of the opposite sex, that translates into healthy relationship later in life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> My mom wasn’t like this. That’s why she was the only woman I trusted when she was alive. She was the first person I turned to. I felt safe with her. But now that she is gone, I have to man up. If my close friends are busy or something then I deal with whatever problems I have alone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Has your wife given you reason to believe she IS like that?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Why would you want to be married to anyone that you did not share everything with. 

I would never ever be with someone that I could not be with completely. 

I guess to each his own, but it is not for me. Never will be...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You have a fear of intimacy. A wife has a right to know most of the things you're hiding. I'm not saying she necessarily needs to know all the details of, say, a spat between siblings, but what you have is, like you said, duties. It's not a close marriage.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Has your wife given you reason to believe she IS like that?


No she hasn’t. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

vintagetriplex said:


> What do you tell and not tell your spouse?
> 
> Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
> And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.
> ...


How long ya been married?

I've been with Mrs. Conan for 29 years, 25 married, and our only privacy from each other is when we have to go #2.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> How long ya been married?
> 
> I've been with Mrs. Conan for 29 years, 25 married, and our only privacy from each other is when we have to go #2.


We’ve been married for 14 years. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

vintagetriplex said:


> What do you tell and not tell your spouse?
> 
> Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows.
> And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.
> ...


OUr rule is everything is shared. There is no privacy. Never been a problem.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Does your wife ever complain about you not talking and opening up to her? What are her complaints about you?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Does your wife ever complain about you not talking and opening up to her? What are her complaints about you?


Sometimes she does complain. She says that I’m a robot. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

vintagetriplex said:


> What are you privacy rules in your marriage?


In my opinion one person's privacy should be established by the other. As in both people are a complete open book when it comes to the other's ability to ask questions and get answers. When and if there are certain topics that cause a conflict are need someone to be discrete, then those boundaries are put in place by the other person. 

An example might be family drama/secrets/events that one person indicates they are willing to share. The other indicates that they would rather just not know about it because it creates a conflict of interest or causes problems.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

How do you feel about everyone on here basically having a different opinion then you about privacy and vulnerability?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> How do you feel about everyone on here basically having a different opinion then you about privacy and vulnerability?


I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk. 

There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.
> 
> There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.
> 
> ...


That’s the price you pay for vulnerability and truly knowing someone. 

Everyone gets judged and criticized in their life. It isn’t the end all be all. I don’t know why your so sensitive to it.

Didn’t you have siblings that made fun of you and stuff?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> OUr rule is everything is shared. There is no privacy. Never been a problem.


Imho this is one extreme. Somewhere in the middle there's a balance.

Balanced sharing is the glue that holds a couple together at times. And the pendulum swings over time for a couple to find their particular sweet spot.

After 35 yrs DW and I know a lot, have gone through most life events as a team, and it's good.

Yes there are times all isn't exposed but only trivial things. 

Balance....


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.
> 
> There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.
> 
> ...


There's no doubt, it's not a chance, but a certainty. 

And that's ok with me.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There's no doubt, it's not a chance, but a certainty.
> 
> And that's ok with me.


Why is it okay with you ? Don’t you want to guard and protect your heart ? 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> That’s the price you pay for vulnerability and truly knowing someone.
> 
> Everyone gets judged and criticized in their life. It isn’t the end all be all. I don’t know why your so sensitive to it.
> 
> Didn’t you have siblings that made fun of you and stuff?


Sometimes there was kids making fun of me in middle and high school. It happens to everyone. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

My heart is protected. I can survive whatever comes my way, as an independent person.

Being a solid individual makes a person a better partner. As partners, DW and I know deeply about each other, more than any others know about each of us but that doesn't equate to reducing a person to an emotional cripple if something goes off track.

One must always be one's own person but that, either, doesn't equate to not being a full partner in a M.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I respect everyone’s opinion. I just gotta say that those who are willing to be vulnerable to their partners are taking huge risk.
> 
> There is a risk that your spouse may expose you, judge and criticize you.
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Dude, this is THE most paranoid thing I have eve seen written on TAM, barre none...

Why are you so secretive and insecure? Is there something so horrible about you that you can never allow anyone to know it about you? Do you understand how COMPLETELY out of the norm your views appear to be to most of us?

Why would you actually be with a person that you could NEVER be vulnerably with? Do you always live in this paranoid frame of mind, always on guard?????


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

vintagetriplex said:


> What do you tell and not tell your spouse?
> 
> Here are my own privacy rules. When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I don’t tell my wife about it because it’s none of her business. If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I’ll never talk and vent to my spouse about it because it has nothing to do with her and it won’t affect her in anyways. Even if one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, i won’t bring it up to my wife because it’s private and it may not affect her anyways and she may start judging and talking trash about my family to people she knows. And I don’t talk to her about my past such as my past mental illness, my childhood and I never showed her any pictures from my childhood. Specially baby pics of me. She doesn’t need to see that.


Huh... well, @vintagetriplex , here are my privacy rules:
When or if there is drama going on in my birth family or between me and my friends, I share that with my Beloved Buddhist, because he is interested in me and cares about me...so if it affects me, it affects him.
If have a family member that I have problems and conflicts with for any reason, I talk to my Beloved Buddhist about it because I am his family now and so it has to do with him. In addition, he is a very calm, wise person and when I share with him, a) I feel more peaceful, and b) I can learn from his suggestions. 
If one of my family members is physically or mentally ill, I bring it up to my Beloved Buddhist because I want him to see my real thoughts and feelings and know what is on my mind or worrying me. I may need time to take care of them or need time to work through what they did while they were mentally ill, and thus, again, it affects him. I think he has a right to know.
And I DEFINITELY talk to my Beloved Buddhist about my past such as my divorce due to cheating, my own past infidelity, my abusive childhood and every flaw about me, because I believe he is mature enough to handle the truth AND because I believe he has a right to know what he's signing up for! As regards to showing him any pictures from my childhood (specially baby pics), I was adorable as a kid and enjoy sharing the memories with him. 



> Basically I want to be mysterious. A lot of people who are married know too much about their spouses and they talk about their spouses personal life and childhood past to their friends and coworkers and they even post about it on the internet. I notice that women tend to do that more then men. Women love to bash their husbands and talk about their sex lives and talk about their husbands shortcomings, childhood past and personal lives.


Hmmm...I think we have very different aims. I want to be known. I want someone to know me deeply and still find me valuable, as I am. My Beloved Buddhist knows my friends and coworkers and if he wants to share with them, I'm a fairly open book, so I don't need to hide anything from anyone. Now, I do share things with Beloved Buddhist more deeply and intimately than I do with a friend, co-worker, or on an anonymous board like TAM...but the basic facts stay the same, he just knows MORE. Make sense? Regarding women bashing their husbands and talking about shortcomings...yeah, there are a lot of women who do that, and it's a shame because I think in general men want to know what makes them happy and are often willing to do it if they know what to do! But women are imperfect and men are imperfect and all of that is kind of vague generalities. MY man doesn't bash me, and I don't bash my man. Other women might, but I don't. In fact, I make it a point to speak of him with respect and kindness, because guess what? I love him. Maybe your wife loves you too.



> That’s why I try to be the best lover to my wife and perform my husband duties as well as possible but i have my guards up and tell myself to shut up when I’m about to tell her something personal about myself or my family. I resist the urge to be too comfy even tho she is sometimes invasive and ask personal deep questions about myself. I give her vague explanations and change the subject. I don’t even talk to her about my bad days at work and i always tell her that i had a fantastic day even tho I didn’t and even tho I’m still going thro depression because I Lost both of my parents, when I’m around my woman, I put a smile on my face or I try to be polite as possible and perform my husband duties.
> 
> What are you privacy rules in your marriage?


If my Beloved Buddhist treated me like you treat your wife, I would be so sad I wouldn't even know how to say it. Essentially, the person I love would not trust me enough to share himself with me! @vintagetriplex I crave closeness with my husband. I WANT to know him. I WANT to know his thoughts and feelings, and be there to support him and back him up. If he withheld that from me, I would be very depressed.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Dude, this is THE most paranoid thing I have eve seen written on TAM, barre none...
> 
> Why are you so secretive and insecure? Is there something so horrible about you that you can never allow anyone to know it about you? Do you understand how COMPLETELY out of the norm your views appear to be to most of us?
> 
> Why would you actually be with a person that you could NEVER be vulnerably with? Do you always live in this paranoid frame of mind, always on guard?????


I’m not closed off in general. I do open up to my close friends and vice versa. But with a woman, I have to be as perfect as possible and I don’t allow to be too comfortable and be vulnerable. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> Sometimes there was kids making fun of me in middle and high school. It happens to everyone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Are you the only child?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I’m not closed off in general. I do open up to my close friends and vice versa. But with a woman, I have to be as perfect as possible and I don’t allow to be too comfortable and be vulnerable.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


But why? What are you afraid of?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Are you the only child?


No I’m not. I have 4 bros. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> But why? What are you afraid of?


IDK. I just cringe at the thought of being vulnerable to a woman. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> IDK. I just cringe at the thought of being vulnerable to a woman.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


What would happen if she tried to initiate sex with you and you couldn’t get an erection? What would happen if she saw you yell out in pain because a soccer ball hit you in the nuts? What would happen if she saw you crying during the holidays because you missed your parents?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Was your dad that way with your mom? Have you ever seen your dad cry?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> What would happen if she tried to initiate sex with you and you couldn’t get an erection? What would happen if she saw you yell out in pain because a soccer ball hit you in the nuts? What would happen if she saw you crying during the holidays because you missed your parents?


I don’t know what would happen if I had erectile dysfunction but whatever happens wouldn’t be positive. 
If she saw me yell out in pain for anything, most likely, she would tell me to man up and get over it. 

And I never cry in front of her. Even right after my parents died. I didn’t allow myself to be emotional. I only allow myself to be emotional when I’m alone or with friends because a lot of my close friends have been thro hard stuff in their own lives so I feel more at home with them. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Was your dad that way with your mom? Have you ever seen your dad cry?


I’ve never seen my dad cry. My dad was big and muscular. Physically, he looked intimidating. And im a body builder myself so I never allow myself to cry and be all soft and weak in front of a woman. 


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I’ve never seen my dad cry. My dad was big and muscular. Physically, he looked intimidating. And im a body builder myself so I never allow myself to cry and be all soft and weak in front of a woman.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Being a human makes you weak? Did you ever see your parents share tender loving moments?

Has your wife told you to “just man up”? Because if she has.... she’s a *****.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I’m not closed off in general. I do open up to my close friends and vice versa. But with a woman, I have to be as perfect as possible and I don’t allow to be too comfortable and be vulnerable.


Ok this sound like the red pill, or is it blue pill stuff. 

Whatever got you thinking like this, wow... 

In a real romantic relationship/marriage, is should not be the way you describe or it is not a real romantic/marriage relationship... 

You honestly need to reevaluate, that is unless this is not real or something. 

I feel sorry for you...


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Being a human makes you weak? Did you ever see your parents share tender loving moments?
> 
> Has your wife told you to “just man up”? Because if she has.... she’s a ***.


She never told me to man up before. 


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Being a human makes you weak? Did you ever see your parents share tender loving moments?
> 
> Has your wife told you to “just man up”? Because if she has.... she’s a ***.


My parents was pretty retrained in front of us but as far as I know, they loved each other. 


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> She never told me to man up before.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Then why in the world would you think she would say these awful things to you?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Then why in the world would you think she would say these awful things to you?


Because a lot of women do it and some of my friends had this happen to them to and they always tell me not to trust a woman too much and if I need someone to talk to, they are here for me and will have my back. 


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> My parents was pretty retrained in front of us but as far as I know, they loved each other.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Well I’m sorry you never witnessed a tender moment between the two of them before. 

One of my treasured moments was as a child, at Christmas Eve night when I was suppose to be asleep waiting for Santa, I tried to sneak down stairs, but when I got to the stairs I witnessed my parents doing this cute slow dance, and it was so pretty with all the lights from the tree shining.

Your missing out on the really really good stuff in marriage.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

vintagetriplex said:


> Sometimes she does complain. She says that I’m a robot.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


This is a warning sign that she isn't feeling connected and that she can tell you aren't being true with her. When women don't feel connected they can lose interest. Far faster than someone who is real around them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

In your opening post, you mentioned a previous mental illness. Were you formally diagnosed? Did you receive treatment? Would you please share the diagnosis? Do you think your past emotional struggles are still impacting your life?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> In your opening post, you mentioned a previous mental illness. Were you formally diagnosed? Did you receive treatment? Would you please share the diagnosis? Do you think your past emotional struggles are still impacting your life?


I had depression when I was a teenager. My mother had depression to. I don’t think my past is still impacting my life. 


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Thank you for responding. So you don't trust your wife with your feelings, insecurities, etc. and feel safe when you turn to your friends. From what you've posted thus far, it sounds like a lonely marriage. You have your wife's back, but you don't feel safe if the roles are reversed. What characteristics did your mom have that made you trust her? Does your wife share any of those characteristics? Do you sincerely believe your wife is happy with the marriage as it is, with you being tight-lipped about a good portion of your own life?


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Thank you for responding. So you don't trust your wife with your feelings, insecurities, etc. and feel safe when you turn to your friends. From what you've posted thus far, it sounds like a lonely marriage. You have your wife's back, but you don't feel safe if the roles are reversed. What characteristics did your mom have that made you trust her? Does your wife share any of those characteristics? Do you sincerely believe your wife is happy with the marriage as it is, with you being tight-lipped about a good portion of your own life?


My mom listened to me and was never judgemental and was always there for me. I try to make her happy everyday. Even on the days where I have bad days. I suck it up and make my woman happy. I perform my husband duties no matter what. But like I said In another comment, she told me a few times that I’m like a robot with no emotions that’s on autopilot. I thought she was joking but she said it with a straight face. 


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> My mom listened to me and was never judgemental and was always there for me. I try to make her happy everyday. Even on the days where I have bad days. I suck it up and make my woman happy. I perform my husband duties no matter what. But like I said In another comment, she told me a few times that I’m like a robot with no emotions that’s on autopilot. I thought she was joking but she said it with a straight face.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Because you are a robot in autopilot. Robots don’t have emotions and you aren’t showing her any.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How old are you?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> I had depression when I was a teenager. My mother had depression to. I don’t think my past is still impacting my life.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


If you aren't 100% sure, how do you know unless you explore it?

Things that impact us as we grow up can have long lasting effects.

Example: when I was a kid I had a speech impediment (lisp). I got teased about it alot, to the point where I had enough and did speech therapy to remedy it.

The scars from that remained despite overcoming it. I wanted to 'fit in' so I wouldn't be judged/teased.

Same when I got to high school. Starting getting hassled and so I started doing (and still do) hundreds of push ups to build myself up and protect myself (you mentioned you are a body builder).

This worked to a point, but there was still that underlying need for 'acceptance' from others which was with me up till my early 30's.

It has only been in the last 5 years that a true _internal_ journey has brought about the only acceptance and validation one needs. That is of ones' self.

I have watched countless Red Pill/MGTOW videos, and they were informative, and I took from those what I felt was relevant to my life, but they can take things too far, depending on what type of content you are watching.

You are strong externally, but that only gets you so far. That protects you and gives you a sense of security. But what happens if you are injured? What happens when you become older and a little more frail?

There may be times in your life when you need your wife to have your back, and if you have spent decades in a routine of shutting her out due to your concerns/fears about this, how will she be able to help you when you truly need it?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, was your mother a woman?

I ask because you've expressed over and over that you trusted your mother. And that you cannot trust a woman. 

I just wonder if you see the discordant thinking in those two statements. If your mother was a woman and you could trust her, then - obviously - there must be at least some women who can be trusted. 

Dismissing even the possibility that your wife might be trustworthy is exceptionally disrespectful to her.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Rowan said:


> OP, was your mother a woman?
> 
> I ask because you've expressed over and over that you trusted your mother. And that you cannot trust a woman.
> 
> ...


My mother was a woman. Like I said in another comment, she was only woman I trusted. But now she is gone. 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Why not start slow, with something small, and confide in your wife about it. Then give it some time. See how she handles the info. This would help you build trust. She very well may be a lot like your mom and could ease so much of your anxiety. 

I agree there are plenty of people (both women and men) that are flappy jaws who can’t keep their trap shut. I also know plenty of women (like me) who are a vault. The secrets that have been shared with me over the years will never be told to anyone. I provided a safe haven for others to share these things with me, so they could get them off their chest, bounce around ideas and solutions, but never have to worry about it being used against them, or anyone else ever finding out.

Wouldn’t it be a shame if your wife is this type of woman, and you never opened up emotionally to her? Worse yet, if she feels like she is married to a robot, how long do you think she will want to stay? To me, the risk of sharing emotion with your wife is better, than losing her to another man who will give her the emotional relationship she undoubtedly needs.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with the above poster! You can’t stay still, you need to make progress, and grow as a individual and a couple.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

Spicy said:


> Why not start slow, with something small, and confide in your wife about it. Then give it some time. See how she handles the info. This would help you build trust. She very well may be a lot like your mom and could ease so much of your anxiety.
> 
> I agree there are plenty of people (both women and men) that are flappy jaws who can’t keep their trap shut. I also know plenty of women (like me) who are a vault. The secrets that have been shared with me over the years will never be told to anyone. I provided a safe haven for others to share these things with me, so they could get them off their chest, bounce around ideas and solutions, but never have to worry about it being used against them, or anyone else ever finding out.
> 
> Wouldn’t it be a shame if your wife is this type of woman, and you never opened up emotionally to her? Worse yet, if she feels like she is married to a robot, how long do you think she will want to stay? To me, the risk of sharing emotion with your wife is better, than losing her to another man who will give her the emotional relationship she undoubtedly needs.


Yeah but a vault can malfunction and it opens. It’s not like there are zero risks. 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> Yeah but a vault can malfunction and it opens. It’s not like there are zero risks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Ok then stay the same and your wife will grow unhappy. Good plan buddy.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Sometimes posters in this forum makes me mad, but you are getting really good advice.

I'll tell you the most important thing about women; they're people. 

There are things that are more true of them than of men, but at the end of the day you should get to know them, assess them and decide what/how to trust. I am not judging you, but your fear of trusting them sounds less than rational and is likely to bite you. You may feel safer this way, but as many have said, it is keeping you from getting close to her and may well lead to her leaving you. 

Why not get individual counseling? You don't have to do what the counsellor says any more than you have to do what we say.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I went back and read your first post in this thread. I see that you are not asking for advice. Clearly you do not want to accept any either. My mistake. 

To answer your question, our privacy rules are nothing like yours. Neither of us are robots, or too proud to be vulnerable.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> Yeah but a vault can malfunction and it opens. It’s not like there are zero risks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


That's the end for me. Perhaps this isn't a real issue or poster.

I'm tapping out.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's the end for me. Perhaps this isn't a real issue or poster.
> 
> I'm tapping out.


Ditto


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

vintagetriplex said:


> Because a lot of women do it and some of my friends had this happen to them to and they always tell me not to trust a woman too much and if I need someone to talk to, they are here for me and will have my back.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


So basically your so called friends are trying to turn you against your wife, nice. If I knew someone who did they they would not longer be my friends because they are LYING.


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## hillybilly2785 (Dec 29, 2019)

So, I’ll give my opinion to you if you’re interested.
I grew up with a single mother and an older brother in an extremely poor situation. My brother was my lifeline and best friend until he overdosed when he was 22. That was 15 years ago. I had friends that I realized were only face value. I had no one. So I shut out everyone. I still don’t have a single person today, aside from my husband, who I share anything about myself with. My husband is the absolute only one who knows me and everything about me. Up until I met him, I stuffed my emotions. I never showed anything to anyone. I still don’t, other than to him. But I’ll say it caught up with me. 
depression can certainly manifest itself in funny ways. I didn’t have any issues until I had my daughters and since then, all my unhealed wounds and hurt came out in anxiety and fear and distrust and it made me completely crazy at one point. I was obsessed with the fear of losing them. Not like in a death kinda way, but like a losing them to life and time and change.

Not all women are gossips. Lots, yes.
I think if your wife was going to judge you, she would’ve by now. She hasn’t left you yet, right? So, I think she deserves a little more credit than what you’re giving her.
You might realize she is that one person you can turn to now..and as someone who was afraid to be open and vulnerable, it’s a weight that’s lifted when you can just be you.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

You are not fit for marriage. That's the easiest way to sum things up for you. I feel for your poor wife.


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## vintagetriplex (Aug 1, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> You are not fit for marriage. That's the easiest way to sum things up for you. I feel for your poor wife.


Why do you say I’m not fit for marriage? 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

vintagetriplex said:


> Why do you say I’m not fit for marriage?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Because based on everything you've posted it's easy to see you do not share your life with your wife, you live it beside her. I can't think of a woman who would want that from marriage.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

vintagetriplex said:


> My wife doesn’t have a history of doing this but I see a lot of women do that *so who knows what she does behind my back.*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


Any woman who does needs to learn “privacy.” Or R-E-S-P-E-C-T.


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