# Not sure how to feel...



## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

I am so glad that I came across this page. I have felt so lost for almost 3 weeks since my husband walked out on our family. We have been together for 6 years and married for almost 4 with a blended family of five. 
We have had a bit of a roller coaster of good times and bad. After being pregnant with our son, I was clinically depressed, triggering PTSD and also I am not able to work right now or do the things I used to do socially all the time but I am getting better. Anyway, my husband during this time was doing what he wanted to do. He ended up in trouble andwas gone for a year. We struggled the whole time he was gone and I didn't get a chance to work on things when he was gone. I was hoping when he returned things would change, he can be a good man, a good dad. He has a problem with self medicated, with either alcohol or other drugs. Always has before I even knew him but when I met him he was clean and on prescription medications for his bipolar. Then he stopped them bc of the way they made him feel. 
So a couple days ago I went to his Mom's where he is staying to talk about our son. He has only seen him 3 times since he left, once bc I texted him to remind him after he was 15min late and I had him in town at the park another.
He was so cold, he said it was over, he didn't want to go to marriage counseling, he wouldn't even go to family counseling for our kids bc that is what our sons doc recommend (he is 4 and autistic). He hasn't said anything to my 2 children that he has been involved with all these years and I am not sure what to say his two. It is crushing. I am trying this 180 I have read others do. I think it's going to confuse him, but honestly just thinking about it and asking for help/advice I feel like there might be hope. 
I always thought marriage was something that you worked on and right now I am not sure if I can?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are his children living with you?

You married a man who cannot cope with life. It's not unusual for BP people to not be able to maintain a relationship.

I think you need to start look at how you are going to take care of yourself and all your children on your own. 

Does your husband have a job? Can he help financially?

Interacting with you according to the 180 is about the best thing you can do right now. It's for you so that you can become stronger emotionally.

You say that you are worried that he will become confused. I think you have a much bigger problem than worrying about whether or not he gets confused by the 180. He's a full grown man who has a drug/alcohol problem, who's been in trouble with the law, and who has abandoned you with his child... why on earth are you worried about him?

Worry about yourself and your children.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

His children live with their mother but he has visitation and I miss them so much. When I went to ask him about what was going on exactly he said it was over. That he only married me bc of our son, his dates were all wrong and some of the things that he said we're not with me. They happened with an ex gf. I know that I need to focus on on my children right now. 
He works but gets paid cash and reports it at the end of the year, but I wasn't sure how it was going to turn out so I copied his log book of pay for my safety I just don't know if I just give it some time. Let the 180's work on me for a while, see a counselor, get stronger and see what happens. I don't know am I just asking to be hurt?


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

*I have to know if Someone Went Through This....*

So today my H came to pick up our 4 yrs old. I have been doing the 180 plan and I will actually not feeling as down as you would think with him walking out on us. He left me the bills, the rent, the car having to be fixed and 3 kid's trying to figure out what happened. My 2 oldest that aren't his Bio kids have been given the cold shoulder, and it's been hard for my 14 yr daughter. My H doesn't get it or do I say STBX bc I don't know if anything has been filed. Our son asks if Daddy is coming home when he sees him. I just tell him that Daddy loves him but no. 
My H called me and started talking to me like we were old friends, telling me that his OChildrens mother's car wouldn't start, giving me a song and dance about how he can't fit all 3 kid's in his truck. He wanted to use MINE! I am sorry but was I wrong for saying he could just bring our son here and go pick up the them. Him and I are like 5 min. Apart. His other 2 children live an hour away. I wasn't rude or anything about it I just said that I had errands to run. I could not believe that he asked. He walked away, took pretty much everything worth value to OP houses, I had to fix the hole he kicked in the wall before he left. For him to just assume that I would just let him take the car was hard for me to say no to but I was wondering if anyone has had to do this?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I bet the good people in Al-Anon would be of great help to you. Al-Anon is for family members of people with addictions. You have your own issues. They will be able to relate and give you good on the ground face-to-face feedback and companionship in this. Seriously, if there is a meeting in your area, and they are everywhere, try it out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right to not let him use your car. Why would you even expect him to bring it back to you once he had it?

How he goes about getting his children is his problem, not yours.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

So its been a month since he has been gone and doing the 180 plan, IC, exercise and reaching out to some old friends has helped. I was close to his family, now it seems awkward. I don't know what friends in town to talk to,that were his long before mine, since we moved to his town, five years ago. 
I made the mistake of looking on his Facebook page and he has deleted every picture of us, our wedding which was unique and almost all the pictures of my 2, his step kids. Does that pain go away? It's like he wants to erase us from his life. I still can't make eye contact with him. I went through a depression and I will not let him make me feel like I am nothing. I have worked so hard to get where I am now. I just want him to think about the fact that I am human and I feelings, too.


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

I'm right where you are, was told that it's over just yesterday after 7 months of being separated and being jerked around. He decided and that's it... Actually said that it has nothing to do with me. Like that's some kind of consolation. How anyone can completely discard another human being is beyond me. Walk away like it's nothing to them. I don't understand it either. It's no way to treat someone you made a commitment to. 

Be glad you're not heartless and cold. That's got to be a horrible way to be in life and it's their problem. Some people can completely disconnect with their emotions and have no empathy for others. I'm happy I'm not one of them. I think someone who can feel the sadness and keep moving forward is a lot stronger than the people who run away like cowards.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Kitten-I am sorry how things turned out for you.
I still haven't been able to find a way to have a conversation with my H. He missed his visit with our son yesterday and I am not going to be the one to remind him, he is a grown up. I am trying to find strength in all of this chaos to have some sense of stability for the kids. I know that I should get something in writing but part of me is holding back. Is that sad? Should I just be moving on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you should be moving on.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

So after weeks of radio silence from my H I came out to him and told him we have to figure out what we're going to do, at least with our son. He told me that he is isn't sure he hasn't filed anything and doesn't know if that's the step he wants to take. He is working on himself and his demons. I told him I am doing the same thing here working on myself focusing on me and the kids, we worked out a visitation schedule with our son and some support wo arguing. Nice change of pace no tears.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

*Walk a way Husband*

It's been almost 6 weeks and I am having a rough day today. I feel like I should have seen signs or something that my H was going to be a Walk a way and really not even be around for our son who is going on 5 and is asd. Our son hasn't had an easy time with this especially when his Dad walked out and maybe sees him a couple hours a week and he is staying 5 minutes away! Sorry I just need to vent. 
My heart is hurting and I don't think that I should tell him to spend time with his son. We have a schedule for him but be doesn't always follow it and I even have offered to give him more time just ask and no. It hurts bc he has his OC from a previous relationship, which I miss so much being in thier lives for 6+ years and contact cut. My H made me feel like they were happier. That this was best for his 2 children. I didn't understand that bc we were getting along and the kids and I had summer plans. They were happy to see me when they came to pick up their little brother. 
I am having a hard time finding the strength right now not to call him. I just don't understand how I can still have feelings for someone who has hurt me so much. I have been doing pretty good the last couple weeks, working out,doing the 180 when does the pain end? Why is it so easy for him to walk away?


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