# I think H is using our son to hurt me



## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Yeah, so for 6 and a half years my husband has practically ignored our son. He just had better things to do with his time. It's been a theme of our marriage that H does not appreciate any kind of responsibility being placed on him in the home whatsoever. Our boy has come to know Dad as the guy who sleeps all day, is on his laptop for literally hours and hours, or is in his studio with the door closed (for days). "Don't disturb Dad" is the house motto. When H has to spend time with the kid he's likely to hand him his iPhone to play games - YAY!!! Dad's the Best!!! For everything else - go to Mom. 

Now that it's become likely we'll divorce, H has done an about face and is all over that kid like white on rice. Of course the kid is loving it, and now Dad is everything, the kid wants H to basically take over my job, every day, "I want Dad! I want Dad!" I can't compete with Dad's endless stream of video games and movies and No RULES!!!

Even worse, I'm starting to see emerge from my son the same disrespect, condescension and indifference that his father has towards me. Shrugging me off, rolling his eyes, walking away from me when I'm talking. Mind you, the kid is 6. Puberty's still a long ways away...lol

I am sure that he's learned this through observing the way my H treats me. All the times I've asked H politely for this or that, and he's just shrugged me off, and I didn't dare raise my voice. I'd swallow it and slink away. My husband's #1 way to shut me up has always been "Tsk, tsk, Dear, watch that anger management problem of yours."

It feels like my son has pulled away from me and has even mimicked my H. Like, he'll do things that he knows will normally get him a scolding, and then when he gets one he'll say "Mom why do you always have to be so angry all the time?"

Add to that, my H's MO has been to provoke me into anger when our son is around, but he only lets his own (abusive) rage show after hours, when our kid doesn't see. So to this child, Dad really does seem like the awesome parent, and I'm just crap.

I had a very, very dark weekend, feeling like it's not enough for H to treat me like garbage, he wants to see our son treat me like garbage too. I will die if my son grows to loathe me the way that his father does. I am terrified of that happening. 

And we're stuck in this house together for at least 10 more months. I am scared to death that by the time I get out of this marriage that kid isn't even going to want to go with me, or he'll just hate me for the rest of his life. 

Does anybody have an experience to share about these kinds of issues? Advice? Books to read etc? I'd appreciate it so much to help me cope.


----------



## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Oh, now I'm thinking I should have put this in the Parenting section...


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

First off he's a control freak. He won't be able to keep up the good father charade when the important stuff starts coming up. My recommendation is when your son is with him, get out of the house, even if it's just for a drive. This will make your husband responsible in a way he won't like, and won't be able to deal with. 
He'll crack eventually, his true colors will come to light. He's gotta be the one that snaps, not you. Let it play out, if you say anything, he'll know he's getting to you. 
Good luck, stay strong.


----------



## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Thanks, Thumper. I just stumbled across EnjoliWoman's story about Parental Alienation (which I'd never heard of before), and I think I'm on the right path with that. I wonder how much has been written about Parental Alienation that happens in a house with both parents still living together?


----------



## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Thumper said:


> First off he's a control freak. He won't be able to keep up the good father charade when the important stuff starts coming up. My recommendation is when your son is with him, get out of the house, even if it's just for a drive. This will make your husband responsible in a way he won't like, and won't be able to deal with.
> He'll crack eventually, his true colors will come to light. He's gotta be the one that snaps, not you. Let it play out, if you say anything, he'll know he's getting to you.
> Good luck, stay strong.


I'm really hoping that it will play out like that. My H has disappointed me so many times with his selfishness. I wonder how long it will take before his son has been burned enough times to see it for himself. 

Despite the fact that my H is a creep to me, I want my son to have a Dad. But I also fear that my son will learn from him how to treat women. Nothing good will come from that!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My son's father was mean and abusive. Right about the time I was filing for divorce my son started to treat me they way his father did.

I asked him way. He said well, daddy does it so why cann't I? My answer was you know I'm divorcing your father because I don't like how he treats me. I can divorce you too if if you treat me the same way.

That was the last time my son treated me that way. My son was young.. it was the summer between 1st and 2nd grade.


----------

