# Accepting the other woman



## hopeful101

The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.

As anyone can imagine I'm angry. I think I have all the normal reactions of not wanting to ever see her and not wanting my kids around her. Neither want anything to do with her right now, but I'm sure that will change. Kind of has to if they want a relationship with their dad and i understand that. 

I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her. 

I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.

How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.


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## TeddieG

Well, you've taken an important step, which is choosing to finalize the divorce and accept that she is in his life. I know the pain of "supposed" reconciliation and counseling, since my h couldn't make the break and I thought he was back in the marriage, and he wasn't. H's OW is a harpy who pulls strings. She's very vocal about what she and will not accept from him and controls him and manipulates him and she's an adolescent in a 45-year-old body. 

So you've taken the first step, and the pathway, the journey, to healing and acceptance is made one step at a time, with an occasional roadblock or detour on the way. She sounds about as evil as my h's OW, in that I can't believe the wh0re told you daughter you were the one cheating (classic projection from your ex-h, par for the course for a cheater). 

Be mad at whomever, be mad about the situation, but just feel what you feel. Anger is liberating. You don't have to accept her. "I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all." You can be a good mom and be true to your feelings of anger and pain, and also not let it affect your kids and their relationship with their dad. You don't have to be polite or friendly to the wh0re, but I am sure you will learn to be civil and limit the opportunities to have to be so. 

Hang in. Others with better advice and more experience will show up to support you, but I just wanted to acknowledge your pain.


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## hopeful101

Thank you. They are both adolescents in 45 yr old bodies. I can relate to your situation. A few times he had tried to separate himself and she would just go after him again, texting, calling, even came to our house once I don't think she realized I was there at the time. He wasn't answering her texts so she went to find him. Ultimately I just had to let go. I don't want anyone who is going to let another woman cause problems. She wasn't stopping and he wasn't stopping her. 

All the realities are setting in though, we have kids so I can't just totally have nothing to do with him/them. My youngest at least will eventually have to spend time with her. Right now she's refusing to leave my home. I assume that will change once she heals a bit. Summer vacations are coming and we had our usual spots with friends and now this wretched person is going to be taking my place. Often I think that I'm grieving more for my life as I knew it than I am for the loss of him. Living on my own now for 9 months, I can't think of one time where I thought wish my ex was here, I miss him. It's more the life, the loss of family as I knew it. It's still a huge loss even if I am actually finding myself glad to be out of the relationship with him.


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## kristin2349

I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP. Your situation reminds me of @Nomorebeans , hopefully she will see the tag and pop in with some advice. She has dealt with it better than I ever could have.


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## Wolf1974

hopeful101 said:


> The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.
> 
> As anyone can imagine I'm angry. I think I have all the normal reactions of not wanting to ever see her and not wanting my kids around her. Neither want anything to do with her right now, but I'm sure that will change. Kind of has to if they want a relationship with their dad and i understand that.
> 
> I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.
> 
> I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.
> 
> How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.


You don't ever accept this....why should you. What you do is wait for your smile moment. It will come...

They statistically have like 1% chance of making it long term. They started as an affair, second marriage, kids from pervious realtionships involved.... I mean they have no shot. When their lives crumple you get to go :grin2: told ya so. Just work on you an wait for it.


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## Satya

You don't have to accept anything or anyone you do not wish to. At least, that's my personal belief.

If you're trying to make things look accepted (for appearances sake) I'd also be hesitant to recommend this.

How you feel about it is valid. Your kids(s) are welcome to feel how they do about it. Your ex H is welcome to feel how he does about it. Just don't try to influence anyone but yourself. Owning how you feel is the most healthy form of self-validation IMO and is a form of speaking your truth.


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## Hope1964

Satya said:


> You don't have to accept anything or anyone you do not wish to. At least, that's my personal belief.
> 
> If you're trying to make things look accepted (for appearances sake) I'd also be hesitant to recommend this.
> 
> How you feel about it is valid. Your kids(s) are welcome to feel how they do about it. Your ex H is welcome to feel how he does about it. Just don't try to influence anyone but yourself. Owning how you feel is the most healthy form of self-validation IMO and is a form of speaking your truth.


I totally agree with this. I cannot EVER imagine putting on a smiley face for someone elses sake about something like this. Everyone within a 100 mile radius would know exactly what I thought of the matter. Including my kids. How old are yours?


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## hopeful101

My kids are 14 and 18. My 18 yr old has already made it clear he disapproves, but loves his dad, and will eventually accept this, but for right now wants nothing to do with her. My youngest wants to live with me full time now. She said she never wants to have anything to do with her and will never live with her. Unfortunately for me as you can imagine this is all my fault. I made the kids angry. They are teens, and smart ones and certainly have their own thoughts. 

I have heard the statement they will fail a lot from people who know all of us involved. Probably true. She definitely is not someone I could ever see him being with. They have no empathy for others it's all self gratification. She is basically exactly like him looking to fill a need from suffering with low self esteem. 

I hope I don't have to wait long for the I told you so. :frown2:


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## NWCooper

I agree with why would you have to accept this. Why does your daughter for that matter. She is no dummy, she can see her father chose a home wrecker over his family. She may not get over it until that woman is out of the picture and who could blame her. Her dad shouldn't, he made HIS choice now he gets to live with it. When people willingly throw their family away they have to live with their selfish choices...you don't.


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## Acoa

hopeful101 said:


> I hope I don't have to wait long for the I told you so. :frown2:


Don't wait, accept that they got what they deserved, each other. If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. It is likely to happen, but it is just as likely you will never hear about it. 

You do not need to accept her. What sucks is that if he stays with her, your kids will need to either accept her presence or not see their father.


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## hopeful101

Yes, that really bothers me. Take my anger out of the scenarios, this is still not someone I want my teenage daughter exposed to. I've had people who know us, her, including one of my daughter's teachers tell me variations of the same advice, do whatever necessary to keep your daughter away from her, she's bad news.


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## Hope1964

hopeful101 said:


> Unfortunately for me as you can imagine this is all my fault. I made the kids angry.


What is your fault? I don't understand.

Your kids are old enough to know exactly how you feel. You have to refrain from telling them how they should feel, and emphasize to them that they should make their own decisions about things, but it sounds like they already have and that they agree with you.

You, and your kids, have every right to tell your ex that they will not spend time with her, and that if he wants to see them she must not attend. And if she ends up there and the kids don't like it, they can call you to come get them right away and cut their visit with their father short. And make sure your kids know that you will ask no questions if they do call you to come get them, and that they need to keep the lines of communication with you totally open and not let their dad intimidate them in any way.


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## BlueWoman

hopeful101 said:


> The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.


Good for you in enforcing your boundaries. 



> I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.


You know, I've done a lot of thinking about this. Yes, be angry at him. He's the one who betrayed you. But it's so much easier to hate her, because you don't have any conflicting emotions. With him, you have these strong memories and associations, so your feelings aren't as black and white. 

With her, it's simple. You know her as the POS she is. And don't know or need to know another thing about her. 

At least that has been my experience.



> I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.
> 
> How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.



Depends on what you mean by accept her. You don't have to invite her to tea or go and spend time with her. You don't actually have to engage with her at all. 

But in terms of not accepting that she may be in your kids lives? Well yeah, you have to accept that eventually or it will make you crazy. 

And no you absolutely don't share holidays with her. You have your holidays with your family. What you have to do is be gracious when your kids spend holidays with your ex his POS new gf. That's going to hurt, but it's the right thing to do for your kids.


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## BetrayedDad

hopeful101 said:


> It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound.


Yup. It's completely unfair. 100% agree. They both fvcked you over. You got dealt a bad hand. Life's a marathon not a sprint. Always remember that. Make sure YOU win in the end. However you define winning, is up to you. Just make it happen.

Good luck.


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## hopeful101

For sure. Several close friends have told me over and over, the best revenge will be to be happy, and healthy, and find someone else who treats you right. 

Thanks for the support! 

I realize that yes, I'll have to accept that the kids will have to be around her if they want to be around their dad, but I have no intention of doing so. I do realize that this will keep me from seeing my ex in-laws whom I adore, but it is what it is at this point. I just can not be around her. I'll just have to see them during non holiday times and on my own. 

There were huge control issues in our marriage and I'm having a very hard time letting that go. I know that's a huge part of this that he's so angry and making me feel like I'm wrong. It's just a part of me at this point that I'm trying very hard to change. It was/is really just the ex, well, and his therapist who were very sure that I had to accept the POS and help the kids to welcome her. He and the kids had a family session. The kids told me about the session. They both refuse to go back.


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## Pluto2

Sounds like your ex doesn't like the reality that HIS actions have consequences for others, like his kids. The kids may, or may not, ever come to terms with what he did to your family. Just support them and what they are going through. 

Yes, yes, therapist just want us all to get along. Its their job. I mean how much money could they earn if they told a family on the first meeting, "yep, your dad was wrong in betraying the family and the OW is a skank." I sure there was a whole guilt trip placed on them along the lines of "doesn't your dad deserve to be happy in his new life." Puke. 

And you never have to accept her in your family dynamics. She is his GF, not yours. And frankly, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds.


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## magoguen

I believe the chump lady refers to this as the unending punishment of breeding with a ****wit. It's bad enough when we have to deal with the interlopers, but it's way worse when our children are subjected to this crap.

You don't have to hob knob with the OW during holiday time. You only have to see her during pick up, drop offs, school events and big life events like graduation or marriage. Even there, you are only required to be civil. And please don't let anyone tell you that you HAVE to take pictures with her or the ex for that matter. The family now consists of you and your children. Photographs can be taken separately at big life events. No sense in pretending everything is A-okay. 

My ex married the other woman after our three year wreckonciliation post his affair. That whole period was three glorified years of me trying to prove my worth to him which makes me laugh now. It's hard for me to believe that their relationship ever ended. I am very glad they ended up together though because I think the best gift you can give a cheater is another cheater. (She cheated on her husband too). Ex was the one who took the vows so most of my disdain was directed towards him back in the day. She could've been anyone and since she had a lot of money she won the great prize. Good for them.

I'm 2 years divorced and almost at the coveted state of Chump lady's Meh. 

You will get through this too, it just takes time. 

Oh-and you didn't kill either one of them so in my eyes, you've accepted all this crap just fine!


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## hopeful101

my gosh, I'm so glad I posted. 

I did what you did. We spent time in counseling trying to work on things, but it was all really just his expecting me to change. I would try to talk to him about it and I would get well, you aren't doing anything to meet MY needs? Reality was his needs were stupid. Once I realized he basically expected me to be a different person, dress differently, like what he likes, act how he expected me to act, I started just giving up. It was an impossible situation. In reality he wasn't changing because he had someone he was involved with at the same time. He even said to me one time that I should just do what he likes without him having to ask and because I don't I don't love him? WHAT? So I have to intuitively know what you want, when you want it and do it and if I don't then there is no love between us? I told him that he was setting me up to fail so there was no point. You can't love someone if you don't seem to like anything about them other than physical appearance. Being attracted to me seemed to be the only thing there was. 

She definitely is totally different than I am for sure. Some of it is insane though. He was always on me to stay thin, she has at least 50 lbs on me. I guess the one positive, the stress has me down to a size 2. He hates short hair, she has short hair, would get angry if I even considered cutting my hair. He hates smoking and she is a chain smoker. He has jealousy and she openly flirts, hangs out at bars alone having guys buy her drinks. I've heard story after story of her coming on to husbands, boyfriends with the wife or girlfriend right there. I wasn't able to talk to men at all because of his jealousy and she pretty much only has male friends. Of course one time I asked how he could be friends with her when I wouldn't think he'd respect anything she did. He said he didn't have to trust her, only me. So what, now he knows he's getting a ****ty ***** and so knowing he'll be cheated on is better?

I hope my recovery happens soon. Even though I don't want him back and completely realize how twisted and toxic our relationship was, it's still gut wrenching. To know I was replaced with such a morally vacant woman is just intolerable. He told the kids I'd be mad about him dating anyone. My son said no Dad I think it's who you are dating that's the problem. Yes, any new person would I'm sure initiate some sort of feeling, but I truly think I could have handled him dating some totally new person who had not hurt me like she did. She was not quiet in the background. She openly intruded even when we were trying to reconcile. Constantly calling, when I blocked her number on our entire cell acct she would call from other phones. Then when that failed she did some sort of blocked caller ID so that he would answer not knowing who it was. There is a lot more, but my point is that she was guilty of more than simply having an affair with my husband.


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## Hope1964

Why are you saying your kids will have to spend time with her?? They have every right to tell their dad they expect her to not be around when they spend time with him. And to cut visits short if she shows up any way. He has no right to force a girlfriend on them if they don't want anything to do with her!


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## hopeful101

I'm saying they'll have to because he'll make it happen. Certainly they can refuse and cut visits short and may do that. They will most likely end up doing what he wants. He gets angry very easily - not physically abusive angry - but angry and all 3 of us are pretty conditioned to try to keep him happy. I would bet that they'll get tired of repeated attempts to get him to understand their feelings which he doesn't now, and probably won't. He is sure they only hate her because of me. Communicating with him is impossible. Everything is as he sees it. He is so far unable to accept other people may have opposing feelings which are also valid.


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## Hope1964

I think you and they should take the opportunity with him not around all the time to break that cycle. Take a stand and when he starts manipulating and getting angry, leave. All 3 of you. Get into some family counseling sessions, empower yourselves - don't let him bully you!! That would be a great gift for your kids.


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## hopeful101

Yes, we are in counseling. My kids are stronger than I am, than I was at their age. I'm very proud of them. My daughter is currently refusing to live with her dad at all. The revelation of the affair was just the icing on the cake for her though not the sole reason for the choice. There is a lot of dysfunction in their own relationship as well. He's hardly home so she feels why bother even being there she'd rather be with me. When he is home he is in his own world. She feels if she's second fiddle right now to essentially anything else, work, friends then she'll have no chance with a new girlfriend in the picture. I was just beyond anxious the day he came to pick her up and I knew she was not going to go, but so proud of her at the same time. She very firmly stood her ground, told him why, and walked back in the house.


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## Nomorebeans

kristin2349 said:


> I'm sorry you are dealing with this OP.
> 
> Your situation reminds me of @Nomorebeans , hopefully she will see the tag and pop in with some advice. She has dealt with it better than I ever could have.


Thanks, Kristin! :x

But I don't know that I have dealt with it all that well, honestly. I hate the thought of my son spending any amount of time with my ex's AP, with whom my ex now lives 10 minutes away from us, but I don't say anything to either of them about that. My son (14 years old) doesn't like spending time with her, either - he says she's nice enough to him, but that it's "awkward and weird" being with his Dad when she's there, too.

He really only stays with them if I have to go out of town for work or an extended family thing, which fortunately is not that often, or every once in a great while when my ex is off from work and he is off from school. He's going to be spending tonight with them, in fact, and I feel slightly sick about it. He doesn't really want to, but his Dad has made him feel like he kind of has to every once in a while. While I think he's wrong to do that, to his credit, he at least is trying to remain a regular part of his life. And is at least is "sensitive" enough to limit the amount of time he has to be around her. He'll come pick him up at around dinner time today, and they'll meet her out for dinner somewhere near where they live, then go back to their house separately. My ex and son will watch the basketball game together while she does something else. Then, they'll go to bed, they'll do something in the morning without her, and he'll drop him back off here later in the day while I'm at work.

I don't know this woman and have never met her. Kind of hope I never have to, but they've now been living together since last September, and although my ex has actually complained about her to me fairly recently, I don't imagine they'll be ending things any time soon. I've at least never had to pick our son up or drop him off at "their" house - my ex has always done all that.

I hate her. I really do. I'm tired of people telling me it's my ex I should be angry with, not her. I know I should be angry with him, and I am. Furious, really. But I hate her, too. She continued to actively pursue him when he was trying to cool things off with her before I found out about her, knowing full well he was long-married with a young teenage son. I think she's a selfish wh0re who was so desperate to not be alone (she was widowed when she met my ex) that she was more than willing to take someone else's husband and f*** up his young son's life. That's not a good person. I still believe that if I ever ran into her socially, I'd be hard-pressed not to punch her right in the face, let alone be civil and gracious. (But, in all reality, I probably would at least be civil - it's not really in my nature to be violent or even just b!tchy, even when it's sorely deserved.)

I'm sorry your kids are going through this. I'm sorry my kid is going through this. Don't ever beat yourself up for being angry with your ex and this - person - he is with now. You have every right to be. And I'm certainly not going to tell you what you should and shouldn't share with your own kids. Many people tried to tell me how I should never badmouth my ex or his GF to my son. I actually don't, but not because they told me so - because I know my son, and I know it would upset him to know how really seethingly angry I still am with both of them. Instead, I try never to mention her to him at all - kind of like not dignifying her existence with any acknowledgement or response. And he doesn't mention her to me. Maybe we're just a couple of fools living in Denial Land, I don't know. I've let him know that if he ever wants to talk about how he feels about it all, he can always come to me, and he says he knows he can. That's about all I can do, other than try to stay positive and strong, so he always knows he can count on me.

But this all really, really sucks. I feel for you and your kids. I especially understand your feeling that it's the life you used to have (and the future you thought you would have) that you miss - not the man. Right there with you. My ex didn't just remove himself from my life - he took away the dream I had of spending the rest of my life with this person I thought was my best friend and who would always have my back, and who I was willing to take care of in his old age. But the thing is, he wasn't my best friend - he wasn't my friend at all. He slept next to someone for 26 years that he never really knew at all. I realize now that I did the same. It may not sound like it should, but it helps to know that.


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## hopeful101

As it turns out I didn't have to worry at all. The romance was quite short lived. Everyone I knew said it wouldn't last and I didn't think it would, but sure thought it would last a lot longer than it did. My son did end up meeting her and hated her and then a few weeks later they were done. I have to say I found enjoyment in having my son talk about how disgusting he found her. 

I'm not worried about the next woman. I know there will be challenges and it may be tough, but I just don't think any new relationship would be as difficult as being with the person he cheated on me with.


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## *Deidre*

hopeful101 said:


> As it turns out I didn't have to worry at all. The romance was quite short lived. Everyone I knew said it wouldn't last and I didn't think it would, but sure thought it would last a lot longer than it did. My son did end up meeting her and hated her and then a few weeks later they were done. I have to say I found enjoyment in having my son talk about how disgusting he found her.
> 
> I'm not worried about the next woman. I know there will be challenges and it may be tough, but I just don't think any new relationship would be as difficult as being with the person he cheated on me with.


This is good news, that it ended. Sounds like you did the right thing by leaving this jerk. What cheaters tend to realize when they try to have a relationship and no longer have to sneak around, is that they are both cheaters lol And there's no trust there. Prayers for you to stay strong during this tough time. ((hug))


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## Hopeful Cynic

Bit late to the show here, but I'm glad to hear the relationship didn't last. My ex heading towards the ten-year anniversary with the affair partner (four of those were while married to me!) and they show no signs of stopping, so I still have to send my children over there and pretend not to mind. They were very young when we split so they could not refuse to go.

Instead, I get to deal with awkward kid questions, like "you don't like AP, do you?"



hopeful101 said:


> I hope my recovery happens soon. Even though I don't want him back and completely realize how twisted and toxic our relationship was, it's still gut wrenching. *To know I was replaced with such a morally vacant woman is just intolerable. *


I am posting because I wanted to address this. Your ex couldn't possibly have replaced you with a moral and upstanding woman, so she had to be a PoS. It's no reflection on anything to do with you, and everything about the type of woman who would pursue a married man. Don't waste space in your head on it any longer.


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## Pluto2

In my mind, who ever he meets from this point on, is just who ever he meets. Maybe you'll like her, maybe you won't, but she won't have the stench of OW on her.


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## lifeistooshort

You could even have pity for a new woman. Nobody knows better than you what a pos she'll be getting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld

lifeistooshort said:


> You could even have pity for a new woman. Nobody knows better than you what a pos she'll be getting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is the mature way of seeng it.


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## TooNice

lifeistooshort said:


> You could even have pity for a new woman. Nobody knows better than you what a pos she'll be getting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




That's how I feel if I ever have the opportunity. The OW is truly as much of a POS as my ex, and it makes me sick to my stomach that she gets to spend time with people I still love. I am not a hateful person, but I will forever remain hopeful that my ex will do to her what they did to me... Simply so I can let go of her and feel sorry for the next one.


~Just breathe.


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## Scannerguard

Wow. I haven't been here in awhile and when I saw the number of replies, I thought you'd all have it covered.

I disagree with the sentiments of these posts of being combative with her. You don't have to be drinking buddies by any means and I totally get everything is still raw and you are healing but you will know you are totally healed when you are "cool" with her. 

I realize every marriage is different and every divorce is different so applying my own frame of reference to the matter is probably futile but I am sure there was some emotional cheating at the end (at least) with my ex-spouse and I am totally cool with the other guy. I actually like him (and yes, to some degree feel sorry for him) and like how he contributes to my kids lives. He's handy; I'm not. I"m more the health nut kinda dad doing sports. He's not.

It's all cool. You have to become comfortable with who you are and what you bring to the kids table, which I am sure is a lot.

You should look at it from the frame of reference of "How can she contribute to my kid's lives?" at this point. . .at least TRY to focus on that the next few months. Man, I haven't been here in awhile but I truly hope this hasn't morphed into a "Bitter First Wives Club" of some kind. I'd be disappointed because I don't think it's productive.

I'm sorry for your agony; I wouldn't wish divorce upon my worst enemy.


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## Scannerguard

Q: Do I even have to accept her? 

A: You don't HAVE to do anything in life. This is a free country still. I'd like to reframe your original question to

Q: "Is it in my best interest to accept her?" 

A: Yes.

Q: How do you get past this? 

A: Again, like I said. . .by focusing on what she brings to the table for your kids. I know you probably don't know much about her, but as kids spend time with her, they'll maybe volunteer something. Like, "XXXX really likes to cook; she let me help." If you don't really cook, well there ya go. . .you say (even if rehearsed). . ."You know. . .I am glad you had someone to show you cooking. I'm more of a baker. What does she like to cook?" And go from there.

Slowly, you'll begin to accept her.


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## Nomorebeans

Scannerguard said:


> Q: Do I even have to accept her?
> 
> A: You don't HAVE to do anything in life. This is a free country still. I'd like to reframe your original question to
> 
> Q:  "Is it in my best interest to accept her?"
> 
> A: Yes.
> 
> Q: How do you get past this?
> 
> A: Again, like I said. . .by focusing on what she brings to the table for your kids. I know you probably don't know much about her, but as kids spend time with her, they'll maybe volunteer something. Like, "XXXX really likes to cook; she let me help." If you don't really cook, well there ya go. . .you say (even if rehearsed). . ."You know. . .I am glad you had someone to show you cooking. I'm more of a baker. What does she like to cook?" And go from there.
> 
> Slowly, you'll begin to accept her.


The OP has since come back and said that her ex and the OW have broken up, but in the meantime, her son met her and volunteered that she was "disgusting."

I've tried to focus on the positive when my son has spent time with my ex and the OW he left me for, if I've mentioned her at all. I asked him after the most recent time what they had for dinner. He said it was something she made. I asked him if she likes to cook. His answer was "She seems to, but she's not very good at it." He volunteered another time that she tries to be nice, but is "socially awkward."

What does she bring to the table? She's the mother of two grown daughters who barely speak to her - my ex has volunteered that information to me. He also volunteered that she "raised them all wrong - like they were entitled princesses." So, forgive me if I sound like a member of The Bitter First Wives' Club, but I don't think she brings a whole lot.


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## Begin again

hopeful101 said:


> The "just a friend" turned out to be what I thought it was, ex-husband is now openly dating her. I anticipate they'll marry. It seems so new to our kids, but in reality they've been dating for almost 3 years at this point. All during our supposed reconciliation, couples counseling. I finalized the divorce because I didn't think she would ever be out of the picture and friend or not I wanted her out of his life.
> 
> As anyone can imagine I'm angry. I think I have all the normal reactions of not wanting to ever see her and not wanting my kids around her. Neither want anything to do with her right now, but I'm sure that will change. Kind of has to if they want a relationship with their dad and i understand that.
> 
> I've already heard you should be mad at him not her. She wasn't silent and in the background through all of this. She was pretty blatant about quite a bit even going so far as to tell my daughter that I was the one cheating not her and my ex, so I do have a lot of very negative feelings toward her.
> 
> I feel that I'm being forced to accept her and I really am struggling tremendously with that. It just seems so unfair to have lied and betrayed and hurt me then basically just pour salt in to the wound. I feel that I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't put my feelings aside and just accept it all, but I can't even imagine being friendly with her or even polite.
> 
> How do you get past this? Do I even have to accept her? I realize it will be more difficult for family, but honestly I have no intention of sharing holidays with her. To see others be nice to her which I know they have to would just make my blood boil at this point.


Let the folks on TAM hate her for you? Because I do. I really can't stand cheaters, and it takes two!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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