# Love you but not in love with you



## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

Hi all

Please excuse me for posting on this forum as I am not married and there are no children in the equation, however this is the best resource on breakups I have found on the web and the other girlfriend/boyfriend sites seem to be populated by teenagers whose experience bears little relevance to me, at least in my view. Also excuse this long post but I find writing soothing….

I have recently been told by my live in girlfriend (relationship 12 years, lived together for 8 years with a two year break four years ago) that she “loves me but is not in love with me anymore”. I would welcome anybody’s views/observations of the situation.

Background: I met her while we were both travelling. She is from another country She gave me a look which made me love her instantly. After travelling she visited me at University (she lived in another country). After Uni I visited in her home country. Eventually she moved over here to be with me (and to get an English education). As a practical measure, as part of this move, we lived together while she studied and I started out in my working life. Later she started work and we continued to live together.

From the moment she arrived in my country she was unhappy. Not necessarily because of me (though perhaps I was immature at times and may have exacerbated the situation) but mainly because she missed her friends and family. She never really got over this stage. But throughout I was confident that she loved me and was reassured by that. She told me she would miss me more if she moved home.

One difficulty we had right from the outset is that she gets very angry (at least with me) when she drinks, but cannot/is reluctant to socialise without it. So this made it difficult for us to socialise together. In the end we ended up socialising separately in the main. 

This led me to socialising at times with other females in her absence. Invariably I did begin to wonder whether these other females were more “fun” etc and to question our relationship. This led to her detecting that something was wrong. In order to keep the peace at home I started to become a bit evasive over seeing one particular female friend. 

This liaison was emotional at most, never physical. But I did lie about it, something I am not proud of. When she found out she went through the roof. She kept it to herself at first but exploded one night when she was drunk. I was terrified by the fight, frankly. So much so that I dumped her. Later when I had calmed down, I changed my mind, but she had made up her own mind and moved out while I was begging her not to.

She moved out, but very close by. There was no reason for her to stay close by. We live in a very big city and neither of us have friends in the immediate neighbourhood. It was therefore very easy for us to rekindle our relationship. We saw each other happily for 2 years, but living separately. I told her she had to quit drinking and I promised no more lies. I also quit drinking, to support her at first, but later continued with the regime purely because I preferred it that way.

At this point we both had big events. She quit her office job to become Airline Cabin Crew while I was effectively fired from mine (I did not fit at that particular workplace). I became very depressed and had a career crisis. I felt I needed all the support I could, so I asked her to move back in with me. At first she was reluctant, perhaps fearing getting too close to me again, but agreed. I got another job but my career has gone nowhere from this point, which gets me down. She quickly became disillusioned with the Cabin Crew thing but became stuck in it. The upside for her though was that the job allowed her some space, time away (distance makes the heart go fonder indeed) and time to return to her home country more often. 

We got on well, although there were concerns. Neither of us was happy with our total life situation. As neither of us drank and we had sunk into a pattern of not socialising together, we became like an old couple, very comfortable but ultimately bored together. While it was hardly the stuff of dreams, I was happy to muddle along. I love her. She found it more difficult. She still missed her home country. I always felt we were biding our time and we were truthful about our feelings throughout. I always felt that she loved me and she continued to say as much.

Her happiness was not helped by some health issues during this period, primarily underactive thyroid which made her gain weight, but also other problems such as constant urinary infections. Our sex life dwindled and whenever we did have sex, she seemed to get another urinary infection. She always used to love sex. I was slightly frustrated about our dwindling sex life, but I never once looked at another woman through this period. And the sex famine was compensated by other types physical intimacy which I treasured. To be blunt, a guy can always jack off of he needs the release. You don’t always need sex to feel close to somebody. A cuddle is just as tender. She on the other hand, seemed bothered by her lack of libido. 

She became very depressed.

Over the last two months she started drinking again. She never entirely gave it up to be honest and I was OK with that,as she was controlled, but she started getting drunk when out with friends in my absence and when she came home this upset me. One morning I made it plain that I was unhappy with this. Her response was that we need to discuss where our relationship was headed. When I asked her what that meant by this and she said she had come to see me more as a friend. At first I took this as a retaliation for me having a go at her about drinking. As she was off on a work trip later that day and then after that we were going separately to our own families for Christmas and new years I was left to stew with this for a week.

After Christmas she was planning to spend new year in her home country but I could not bear what was going on so I asked her to come home early, which she did, and I rushed back from my own family to her to find out what was really going on. She confirmed that she loved me but was not in love with me any more. Says she still thinks I am very good looking and attractive, but there is no spark any more.

It turns out, so she says, that out that over the last month her thyroid levels have returned to normal and her libido has returned. But her feelings have not returned for me. I asked whether the feelingsthat have rekindled relate to anybody specific. She says not.

I tried to remove myself from the situation by spending time with my mother, but I only felt worse being away from her. Even after what she had said. After just one day away I asked if she would mind if I came home and she said “of course not I will always be here for you”. 

This made me feel much better. Perhaps our relationship had moved beyond physical love to something higher? Strangely at that moment I felt that maybe I had won the lottery! I had gained close female friend who will always be there for me, while at the same time being set free to focus on my own happiness.

I came back up to London right away and immediately she begun her plans to move out. I was supportive in her search for a new flat. I even went with her when she went to sign a new lease (London real estate agents can be dodgy). 

What is weird though is that she has picked a flat very close by. It would be much more logical for her to be close to work base, the airport. Other than me, there is no reason to live where she lives (other than shopping in London, which is the reason she gave.)

We have not been having sex during this time, but we have been sleeping in the same bed (naked at times) and cuddling (mainly instigated by me). She says she still likes sleeping next to me. She will kiss me, bit not passionately. I do miss the level of affection that came from her before, which is no longer there.

We are still getting on well but the initial relatively positive feelings toward the situation I had are starting to evaporate. Is she using me as an emotional crutch? Is there some other man in the equation? She says not. I am not 100% sure how honest she is being. It is quite possible though. She is away a lot and is cabin crew – plenty of nice captains floating about. But I feel I have to take what she says at face value. People will say I should be checking her phone etc. But I still feel I owe her my trust and i think she has earned it. In ten years together I have never felt she has lied about anything. Her honesty is something I love.

She is moving out next week. I feel like she needs my support in this next stage of her life though. How do I approach this situation? I would prefer that we stay together, but this is clearly not going to be the case, at least in the short term. I think it is important to her that we stay friends but is this the thing best for me? She is my love and my best friend. I think I would rather be best friends than nothing at all. Then again, if I offer her my friendship, will she ever see me as a potential lover again? I want us both to be happy. Oh the dilemma. How do I approach this situation from a spiritual perspective?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Let her go. You can't make her love you.

I realize it's much easier said than done.


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

Thanks Old timer

I realise that is the sensible thing to do. But is it wise for me to be a friend to her?

Does anybody else have experience of a similar situation?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I would recommend being "friendly", but not necessarily a friend. 

How are you going to feel when she starts seeing someone else? You're not going to like it - it's gonna hurt. A "real friend" would be happy for her having a new man come into her life. I don't think you could say you would be happy for her if that happens, could you?

It is going to be painful for you either way, but she wants out. Let her go. It will be much less painful in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I dont understand the phrase, "i love you, but im not in love with you". If your not in love then you dont love!

My wife gave me the same line, and im just going to let her go, she'll probably come crawling back eventually when she realises her mistake, but hopefully by that time, i'll have moved on and i can tell her to hit the road.

Let her go man, you'll be much happier in a fulfilling relationship.


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

Old Timer – what you say is of course quite right. But I do want the best for her. If and when the time comes I hope I can put aside any residual feelings. 

Rickster – I read your main post and your situation seems not dissimilar to mine. I hope things work out well for you.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

"I need space"

"I need to work on myself"

All are very often said when there is another man in the picture, or the wife is getting ready to pursue another man. 

You need to find out for yourself whether this is the case.

Do not take her word for it that there is no OM in the picture.

Even if she has never lied before, she will now.

Check her cell phone records, e-mails, etc.

I am willing to bet you will find many calls/texts to an unfamiliar number.

You can't stop her if this is the case. Pursuing her will seem needy, and nothing is more unattractive to a wayward wife. 

You need to let her go and come back on her own if she ever regains interest.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Why don't I finish that sentence for you so maybe you'll understand. 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you...... I'm in love with someone else" 

Tragic, but with that kind of emotional reasoning justifying a persons actions she can't, better make that WON'T accept responsibilities for her feelings. She's will never heal her own depression and will look for love to pick her up for as long as possible before moving onto someone else. This is not a healthy woman you want in your life and she will emotionally drain you while continuing to devalue you.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I am there with those last two posts... especially NSweet, my wife's depression was likely a big portion of what drove her to another man, a man that had actually screwed her over quite literally 12 years previously. A man that she has now chosen friendship with over keeping our family together. 

And yes, I got the "I don't know if I love you anymore" from her too, two days before I found her private journal and discovered she'd gone to see him two weeks previously.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

"I don't know if I love you" or anything similar that seems cofused about love is really a cheater's emotional reasoning for not taking responsibility. They say "I don't know if I love him/her" because they want to feel like it's not their fault and their love for you, or lack there of, will make the decision for them. This is often used with the expression "sitting on the fense" because you can't sit perfectly even on a fense for long before falling off of one side. 

And in case your wondering, yeah she cheated down. Cheaters cheat down! I've never heard of someone leaving for a faithful and dependable partner who was was better qualified for marriage, because an affair is all about chasing excitement and avoid responsibilities back at home. It should come as no shocker to you that after her affair isn't as fun guess what! SHE IS STILL GOING TO BE JUST AS DEPRESSED.

I've seen what happened with cheaters before, during, all throughout, and after and the cheater doesn't learn any lessons or change much unless they go through therapy and decide to grow the hell up. The betrayed spouse on the other had gets all of that over with first and is a completely different person five years later, often times married to someone wonderful. 

You know what I learned from endless self discovery and person growth, after my wife left me three weeks after coming home from the Navy for a emo scene uneducated frycook, I found BETTER WOMEN ARE ALL AROUND YOU. Even if you want your wife back with all your heart and don't get your wish....... There are women out there who will see you as a good man and appreciate everything you have to offer. All you have to do is reach out to them and find ONE GOOD WOMAN to share your life with. It only takes one good woman to be happy for the rest of your life, but too many bad ones can turn a man sour.


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

Thanks you those who have recently joined this post. I have some new information on the question as to whether there might be another man.

The other night I pointed out that her behaviour was classic symptoms of an affair and explained that I needed to know because it would make it easier for me to accept and move on, rather than trying to understand her line that she has now emerged from a period of sickness where she lacked libido and that it has now dawned on her that her romantic feelings have not returned for me, but that she has developed sexual urges that are not directed at any particular person and a desire to feel the hot flush of first love again (to live her life to the full, rather than accept “half a life” as she puts it).

Well, I asked if she would prove there was no one else by showing me her phone bill, email and facebook. She agreed and took me through her phone bill for the last few months, and Facebook, and I am convinced that she is not communicating with another man in any romantic way.

Could she be using a 2nd cell phone perhaps? Communicating with her lover through instant messenger, skype or some other communications medium? That is not beyond the realms of possibility, but really on balance, considering all the circumstances, and the fact she is a very honest person, I really I think not.

As I have stated, she is Cabin Crew and she returns to her home country every other month or so to visit family, so there is time a way from me in which she could pursue some other romantic interest. However, while I can’t rule out the possibility that she may have enjoyed the occasional one night stand while away on work or in her home country, there is no evidence from what I can see that she has developed any ongoing obsession or loving attachment to a particular person. 

For example she may have an old flame back in her home country, but directly after breaking up with me I asked her not to go home over Christmas and New years so we could talk things over. She willingly did this and she is not in a rush to go back there.

Furthermore, on the cabin crew side, you would think she could be regularly seeing a colleague. But this unlikely as you rarely fly with the same person more than once every six months or so.

She also has very little social life and when she is not away, we spend all nights and evenings together (which admittedly is nit healthy, and could be a key root of the problem).
So the upshot of all this is basically I almost wish she was having an affair as then I would be able to get my head around the situation better. I think she just wants space away from me to **** around.

(She is moving out in a couple of days now. I am helping her in the move. Am I nuts!?)


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

She could easily have another email account (that's how my stbxw did it), a burner phone or both.

Chances of her telling you there is a posOM are nil.

Believe nothing of what she says at this point. She is no longer your friend, let alone your lover.

As for helping her move?

She wants out, she takes care of it.

You are not going to be paying her to leave you are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

No I amsolutely not supporting her financialy from this point forwards.


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

stbxw, posOM. is there a glossary of acronyms I can use for this site?! (which by the way is excellent)


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

matiarchus said:


> No I amsolutely not supporting her financialy from this point forwards.


Good.

Let her go.

It's best to give defiant people what they want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

matiarchus said:


> stbxw, posOM. is there a glossary of acronyms I can use for this site?! (which by the way is excellent)


Posom= piece of sh!t other man.

Stbxw= soon to be ex wife.

It's what they are in this particular subforum ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

Thank you Spun. Glad to see you are keeping a dark sense of humour with those acronyms.

Burner phone, other email account etc…you seem to be 100% convinced my girl is in an affair.

Like I say, this is not impossible, but I just think it is highly implausible given the circumstances. I am trying to look at this from a scientific viewpoint.

If she is in ongoing communications with one individual, she is not meeting him. This is just physically impossible. Unless she skips work all the time to go see him. And packs a suitcase and wears her uniform just to maintain cover.

It is more likely to be one night stands which happen spur of the moment with new people while she is away. If it is anything at all. 

Unless somebody can find a hole in my theory... Hypotheses welcomed!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

matiarchus said:


> Thank you Spun. Glad to see you are keeping a dark sense of humour with those acronyms.
> 
> Burner phone, other email account etc…you seem to be 100% convinced my girl is in an affair.
> 
> ...


100% convinced of nothing.

Just operating under the knowledge of my own initial experience and thousands of threads here.

Namaste, brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

matiarchus said:


> Unless somebody can find a hole in my theory... Hypotheses welcomed!


My hypothesis? It's gonna hurt.

You say you're trying to use a "scientific" approach to her behavior. 
This ain't science, my friend, this is human interaction.

She finds you very dull and she wants more excitement.
She may or may not have someone else.

It happens. 

Sorry.


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## matiarchus (Jan 12, 2013)

old timer said:


> My hypothesis? It's gonna hurt.
> 
> You say you're trying to use a "scientific" approach to her behavior.
> This ain't science, my friend, this is human interaction.
> ...


I am not trying to be scientific in analysing her behaviour, merely weighing the evidence to work out if there is someone else or not. I completely agree with you that there is no science in human interaction.

BTW I detect a slightly mocking tone in your post, and I have to admit it is perhaps appropriate and shines a light on some possible pomposity in my last post. I like your style Old Timer!


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