# help needed but not deserved :(



## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

hello everyone, I found this site whilst looking for information on regaining trust. 
I am not proud to say this but I cheated on my partner at the start of this year. Unless peole request information in order to give me some advice I don't particularly want to divulge too much information into what happened and why it happened because they are obviously open wounds for both me and my ex partner. 
I met this other person at the start of Feb, he was someone I had known a long, long time ago. One thing led to another with us (again reasons not explained unless asked) and we slept together. It happened once and within a week my ex knew everything as I was a complete mess and didn't know what I was doing anymore I confessed. My ex then kicked me out of the house at half past two in the morning. I stayed with my parents for a little while but the tension there was unbelievable and it was hurting their relationship so I looked for my own place and have been there since the start of April.
Having had some time on my own which has allowed meto think things through I have realised that there has only ever been one person I want to be with and that is my ex. I love him dearly and would like to be back together with him. I know if that was to happen things are going to take time and it will be very hard and I have a lot of things to make right. However he has said that he doesn't feel he can trust me again and without that he doesn't see any way forward. He isn't a trusting person anyway and he said that I was the person who had earned the most amount of trust in his whole life and I destroyed that trust. I don't know what to do, I know that things could be good between us again and I am willing to do absolutely anything to get to that point but I am afraid that because he doesn't think trust can ever be regained that he won't make any attempt to try. I know that he still cares and worries aboput me and he is still the person I want to turn to and he is always there for me but the trust issue is such a big one I don't know where to begin. I think it makes it harder for having been kicked out as I can be as transparent as possible but he can't see any of it. If anybody has any advice I will be so very greatful. I know and accept that I have done something terrible and I know it will take a long time but I don't want to just give up on this relatioship. He is everything to me.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

How do you communicate with your EX? Phone, email, face to face?
Have you examined (without blaming the EX) why and how it happened?
Have you cut of all contact with the OM?

Your story sounds a little like that of my wife after her fling. The only reason I didn't walk out on her was our oldest daughter begged me to stay and try to work things out.
You really need to try and talk, answer all questions honestly (regardless of how hurtful, shameful or uncomfortable they may be) and be prepared to prove (with actions, not words) that you are worthy of the time to rebuild the relationship.
Best wishes.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hello Numb-badger, Thank you for the response. A large majority of our communication since it happened has been via text, when it first happened we spoke online quite a lot and saw each other a few times but things were very awkward when that happened and we would usually end up sitting in silence. We do work together so see each other everyday but he has so far avoided talking to me at work, I think from some of the things he has said that he feels ashamed to have let it happen and he doesn't want his/our friends seeing him talking to me. Yes I have myself examined how and why it happened and I know that although we had both done things to put a strain on the relationship the affair was ultimately my fault. I was the one that went out there and did it and I know I have done wrong and I certainly don't blame him for any of that, it was all down to me. 
I have no contact what so ever with the OM. I have removed him from any and all internet related things. I no longer have his number or numbers of his friends/family etc and I have changed my phone and gotten a new number which he doesn't know. I don't want anything to do with this guy ever again. Especially when I know it would cause more problems.

I am willing to do anything. I am happy to answer any questions he has and to tell him anything he wants to know. I am happy for him to know where I am at any time of the day and who I am with. I am happy for him to see any messages/emails etc. For him to answer phone calls for me and talk to my frineds about anything he wants to. I just don't know how to start on the road to recovery.
Thank you again for the reply, I appreciate it.
I hope you have managed/are managing to work things out with your wife.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Personally I find texts rather restrictive and the phone quite impersonal (but maybe that's just me). I would go for either email or letter and if things progress, face to face.
Being on the receiving end of infidelity I can assure you that he WILL feel ashamed. And humiliated, hurt, angry, lost, confused and 2nd choice. His feelings are normal and he is scared of not just appearing weak, but of allowing you back into his life. 
If you can get a face to face, do NOT sit in silence. You can not move forward unless words and feelings are exchanged. If he can't find anything to say and is quiet, ASK him if there's anything he wants to say, or let him know what's on YOUR mind.
The road to recovery starts when you both start talking.
Best wishes


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Thank you. I had forgotten that, I have been writing to him. I want to write to him once a week but was afraid of coming off as too pushy. I don't want to be forceful with him. I have had a good response with the letters and the texts to date and that reasures me that there is still hope. 
Thank you so much for your insight with this, it is a great help as he finds it very hard to talk about his own feelings sometimes I am left wondering and don't know what to say or do for the best.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Once a week would be fine.
I can be uncomfortabe for a bloke to share his feelings (as men are just supposed to 'get on with things', or so tradition has it!), but after the incident with my wife, I have no problem telling her what's on my mind. You need to let your Ex know he has free reign in expressing himself to you, even if he wouldn't normally do it. Whether he chooses to R with you, or go alone, he needs to heal, and that involves letting yourself go sometimes. I put the hurt of what my wife did one step below losing one of my children, if that helps you understand just how hurtful betrayal actually is. 
Your Ex just needs to make sure he doesn't get stuck in a rut of bitterness which will happen should he not vent, talk, rage, cry, swear and sigh. It is for you to allow him to vent and burn your ears with his hurt. And you will have to let it happen.
Let him know you're being receptive and that he can talk to you about it. But let him know that regardless of what he choses to do, he can't sit in silence. Maybe he could benefit from the insights of others. I did.
best wishes

**EDIT** What I meant to say was that I believe that only the loss of one of my children could hurt more than the betrayal. The original line is a bit misleading.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's good you own that it was YOUR decision to cheat. That is a very healthy thing. 

With that said, talk to him and tell him what you said above: that you are totally committed to being open and honest with hima nd will do anything to repair/restore your relationship. 

There is nothing quite like the betrayal of a loved one. And truthfully, he will never ever trust you the way he did, even if you get back together. Loss of trust in a romantic reltaionship is unlike any other thing on the face of the planet. It's hard to articulate exactly how incredibly damaging and hurtful it is. There are no words to properly express it.

Then the ball is in his court and the decision to still be with you is ultimately up to him.

If he is receptive to restoring the relationship: great. If not, you will have to chalk it up to the consequence of your actions and move on.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I agree with Jellybeans very much, and keep in mind he might be trying to tell you that this is something he can't get over. There are a lot of people out there that can not forgive and recommitt, it is a lot to ask. But for your own sake, if he can not do this, please do not keep trying to force it. You did screw up, but you should not pay for the rest of your life. If he is telling you he can't get over it, believe him.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi again. I am glad that you feel writing to him once a week would be fine, I really didn't want to push things too far too fast. It is such a delicate situation and I know that me being forceful won't help. I understand what you mean numb-badger and I think that if me and my ex had any children he would probably say exactly the same thing. We only ever had pets and he told me one day not long after me leaving the home that the ratties if they were still with us would have hated us for what was going on, that in itself was heartbreaking.
Hi jellybeans, thank you for the input. I am trying to figure out how to tell him. I talk to his mum quite a bit and she has said pretty much the same thing. She said she knows he still cares for me and worries about me but that he is scared of trying to trust me again. I have told him that I love him and will do anything he wants me to do to be able to work things out but if ultimately he wants it to be over then I will respect that decision, I have no right to be argumentative or stroppy about it all and I get that. I think through all of this I/We have both grown as people and I am adult enough to respect his decision and to take the hit that this was my fault.
Whiterabbit I guess my response to JB would be the same as my response to you, thank you for the input.
DawnD I agree, this could well be him trying to tell me that he can't get over this and if it turns out that it is that then I will leave it alone. I certainly don't want to cause anymore hurt by aggravating the situation and pushing it too far. He has said that he doesn't blame me fully for the things that were wrong in our relationship and he has taken responsibility for his actions and I am happy to take responsibility for mine as well. If the truth is that he no longer wants any part of us then I will respect that and move on and let him do the same. I don't want either of us to pay for the rest of our lives.
Again, thank you all for the input and advice, it is extremely helpful.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi anymum, thank you, me too. I told him on the 15 or 16th of march so it has been just over 3 months.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You seem like you truly are remorseful for what you did, but now you just have to take your time and wait it out- the ball is in his court. 

By the way, was this only a one-time thing with OM?

Sometimes I think to myself that if my wife's affair was a ONS, I may have been able to cope- MAYBE. But this was going on for the better of 2 years, so a whole part of my married life was a lie.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Thank you. I truly am remorseful and would do absolutely anything to try and make things better.
Yes it was a one time thing, I met him at the start of feb, had a sexual encounter once and then told my partner all about it because I felt so terrible and didn't want to be living a lie. It was then that my ex kicked me out, which I believe he had every right to and shortly after that all contact with OM stopped. As I said before I want absolutely nothing to do with OM.

I am sorry for what you have gone through, I truly do feel for anyone that has had this done to them because I know how much it is hurting me and I can barely conceive of how the person who has been cheated on must feel. This is not a good situation at all and I would do anything at all to make things better. That time spent with OM was the biggest mistake of my life and I know I have a lot to do to make things better.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If I may ask- What drove you into the arms of another man to begin with? I always hear its about the attention or the validation of still being able to "get attention." Was this true in your case?

"I think through all of this I/We have both grown as people." This actually bothers me a little bit. Can't we all grow and mature without cheating on each other. Honestly, this is BS to me for that reason alone. Not judging... just venting an opinion. Again, you seem to really own your mistake. I wish you the best of luck, but as you said you must accept our(BS's) decisions, whatever they may be.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

That is fine, we had been together for almost 9 years when this happened and for the last 2 years of our relationship we hadn't had any intimacy and I was always scared I was never good enough for him to start with and when he stopped wanting to touch me or be with me it really hurt. I tried instigating things and evrytime felt like I was being rejected. It turns out from conversations since the A that he was terrified of disappointing me so would avoid any situation that could lead to that. We had trouble communicating as well. I am a very emotional person and he is the kind of guy that keeps everything very very close to his chest so I never knew he was so scared of being with me. I just thought he was rejecting me. When the OM started giving me what I wasn't getting from my ex I fell for it hook line and sinker. I can see now that he was just out to get whatever he wanted and I gave it to him willingly. I take full responsibility for my actions though and certainly don't blame the affair on anything my ex may or may not have done. It was my decision in the end.

Oh gosh, I understand what you are saying, yes, I do think we can all grow and mature as people without cheating having to come into the frame. I do think though that although this is a freaking terrible situation and I am very ashamed of what I have done it has made both myself and my ex take a look at where we were heading in our relationship and put things in place to make it better. Even if we end up not getting back together then hopefully having had everything come out in the wash will mean we don't follow the same paths in any other relationships. I am distraught that it took an affair to have things come to light. It was not something I expected to happen or wanted to happen for any of the 9 years we were together but ultimately I let it happen and if we can get something positive from it having happened then I would rather that be the case than not.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I'm with ahhhmannn---what caused you to have your ONS, in the 1st place------you said things were rocky in your relationship---but how bad could they have been, for you take up with another man, knowing the consequences of cheating, if you were caught---or "outed"

If you want to try to win your partner back---1st thing you gotta do--is stop with this impersonal stuff---and get very hands on---no texting, no phone calls-----become selfless---go to his home, send him flowers, court him----do whatever you would want done to you---to win a person's heart

Read up on how courting was done before all this electronic crap came out----make it a real dating situation, with people involved, NOT CELLPHONES, AND COMPUTERS


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

blackbunny said:


> Yes it was a one time thing, I met him at the start of feb, had a sexual encounter once and then told my partner all about it because I felt so terrible and didn't want to be living a lie. It was then that my ex kicked me out, which I believe he had every right to and shortly after that all contact with OM stopped. As I said before I want absolutely nothing to do with OM.


I commend you for telling your guy. And I commend you for recognizing that he had every right to kick you out. You sound like a healthy person who owns what she did. Had he found out about the ONS on his own, it woulda been 1000x worse. So good for you. 



blackbunny said:


> That is fine, we had been together for almost 9 years *when this happened and for the last 2 years of our relationship we hadn't had any intimacy *and I was always scared I was never good enough for him to start with and when he stopped wanting to touch me or be with me it really hurt. I tried instigating things and evrytime felt like I was being rejected. It turns out from conversations since the A that he was terrified of disappointing me so would avoid any situation that could lead to that. We had trouble communicating as well. I am a very emotional person and he is the kind of guy that keeps everything very very close to his chest so I never knew he was so scared of being with me. I just thought he was rejecting me. When the OM started giving me what I wasn't getting from my ex


Do you mean you guys hadn't had sex in 2 years?


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi Jellybeans, thank you, I appreciate that. I know what I did was wrong but just knowing I am now moving in the right direction is a good thing. Yes that is correct, we hadn't had sex in two years.

Hi jnj express please see answer to jellybeans question above for a little more clarification on what led to this happening. Thank you for your advice. I guess I hadn't really thought about doing anything like that because I was afraid of being too forceful with him and I didn't want to make a delicate situation any worse. I think your ideas are great though and i have spent a lot of time today sorting out some flowers that will mean something. I am more than happy to talk to him face to face but surely if all he is comfortable with at the minute is the impersonal contact then I shouldn't force anything else should I? Again thank you for your advice, I do honestly appreciate everyones input.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Not gunna lie, I wish my wife was half as remorseful as you and were 8 months past D-Day... 

For some people it's a pride thing (kind of a selfish thing) so your husband might be the kind of person that could careless about how bad you feel about it all because he's the one that was cheated on, and he might be thinking "how can she be upset, I didn't rip her heart out". He might react better towards you if you put more of an emphasis on him and his feelings while you talk about yours.

For instance saying something like "I'm so sorry I hurt YOU, YOU probably could never forgive me for what I did to YOU and there's no reason YOU should because I messed up and YOU and I feel terrible for what I have done to YOU and knowing all the pain YOU're in". 

My guess is that he doesn't like talking about feelings because of his pride which may indicate that he's a bit selfish/self-centered so he really might react better to a lot of YOU's and not the ME's, WE's might even be kind of iffy. Also if it's not genuine he can tell.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi Forsaken, thank you for the input. To be honest when me and my ex do talk about it, it is usually me saying all of the things to him that you said I should. He isn't selfish or self centred just very unsure of himself. I think that has made it worse (not that obviously it wasn't bad enough to start with) I had no idea until after it happened that he was so very unsure of himself and he actually thought that he wasn't good enough for me. I try to spend a lot of the time reassuring him about how good he was and is in everything we have done together and trying to build his self respect back up whilst also apologising profusely for what I have done to him and trying to start to rebuild his trust. I know it is going to be a long hard and uncomfortable road for both of us and I am willing to do anything and everything he wants me to and anything that will make it easier for him. I don't feel like I deserve an easy time which I guess is one of the reasons I have found it easier to own what I have done and to face up to the fact that it was my fault. I was the one that made my choices not anybody else so anything I am able to do to make him feel safer and happier and hopefully a little more trusting I will do.

I hope that you and your wife are able to work towards a more stable and loving relationship because I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thank you again for your input.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

blackbunny said:


> Hi Jellybeans, thank you, I appreciate that. I know what I did was wrong but just knowing I am now moving in the right direction is a good thing. Yes that is correct, we hadn't had sex in two years.


If you were constantly being rejected by him sexually, I can understand why you felt neglected. That takes a toll on a person. Did you ever talk to him about it? Two years with no sense is a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time. I personally do not understand romantic relationships where there is no sex going on. Granted, I know they are out there (as evidenced all over this board) however it's just not something I've ever personally comprehended.

If you guys reconcile, this issue will have to be addressed. If you want sex, and he won't sleep with you, then you need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship where you aren't sexually satisfied and your needs aren't being met...


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi Jellybeans. I did feel neglected that is true, I don't want to use that as an excuse though. It certainly didn't help the relationship but it didn't cause the affair.
I would love to say I talked to him about it but I never managed to get that far. I tried talking to him and he would clam up completely. In the end I just got tired of bringing it up and by that point I had kind of got used to the no sex thing, yeh it hurt but I just dealt with it as best I could. After it all came out about the affair he told me that all he had wanted to do for years was be with me, he wanted to paw over me whilst I was cooking and he wanted to jump on me everytime we were sat together watching tv etc but he said he was terrified he wasn't good enough for me and that he would disappoint me so instead of trying he just gradually stopped. It was easier when he didn't have to focus on making me have pleasure and he said he was so very sorry for that. I think if we do end up reconciling that will be an easy enough aspect of what went wrong to overcome. Now I understand what it was that was making him not want to be with me etc I can take that into account and we can work on it together.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Oh and Jellybeans, thank you for the kind words on anymum's thread. I had been following it as she started speaking about the same time as me. I didn't feel like I could really comment over there though. I hope she has still been reading what everyone has said cause if not she has missed some very good advice from you all. As far as I am concerned you have all been invaluable to me and I am greatful for any last drop of advice I can have from you all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I think Anymum is gone.

People who refuse to own their actions aren't met with warm reception around these parts. LOL. 

No but seriously...

I realize you aren't blaming the lack of sex for what you did (also good) but I wa sjust pointing out that I could totally see why you felt neglected! 

And I do totally think you guys will have to discuss that part of your relationship if you are to reconcile. Unless you want to live in a sexless relationship. It sounds to me he has some insecurity issues that go back a long time ago in your relationship. You both need to work on what you brought that contributed to the demise of your relationship and what led it to this point, if you are to reconcile.

In my marriage, we both did the reprehensible, we both cheated & unfortunately we were not able to work through it. I do have a clarity and understanding now that I never did before these events took place and I have really gained a new perspective on it. In my marriage, there wasn't a lack of sex, but my husband was emotionally gone. I felt very neglected. He would not speak to me for days/weeks at a time and totally withdrew w/o any warning or telling me what was wrong. It made me feel so small. I started talking to someone who was saying all the right BS lines and fell for it hook, line and sucker and the rest is history. It's my biggest regret. I wish it woulda never happened. My now ex-H also told me his cheating was not worth it either. 

So I hope no matter what happens in your situation that you learn from it and are wise not to repeat this behavior again. I do definitely think that you guys hit a wall & if it isn't solvable, in future relationships, learn to speak up about what you need/want and don't resort to that.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Jelly, I am now beggining to understand your perspective!


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

BB, there IS hope for you, and mostly because you owned up to your affair. My wife had an EA with a co-worker, and kissed him once, but when he tried for more, she punched his lights out and ran for the hills. LOL She had only been interested in having somebody willing to listen to her, she was not interested in him sexually. She confessed to me , her boss, her co-workers, both families, and our church board. She and he were both fired, and she has been absolutely open and without any secrets since. She has not talked with him since the night he tried to get into her pants and she blacked his eye. She has gotten counseling, has gone back to school, and I know where she is and who she is with 24/7. Her cellphone and computer are mine, she can have no credit cards, and she comes home immediately after class or work. The most important thing is, that she is doing all of this GLADLY, and she suggested all of it. She is far harder on herself than I was on her. I have owned my part in our poor marriage, too, but I wouldn't have bothered or we would have divorced if she hadn't shown by her actions that I'm the most important thing in the world to her. She shows it every day and in every way. If you can do this and show him the respect and love and commitment my wife has shown, you might have a chance to win him back. Good luck!!


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Black Bunny. I just want to say that you can hold your head high on this board. There will be many people reading this thread who wish your attitude was undertaken by their DS. You did wrong, but you don't need anyone to tell you that, you hold your hands up and accept full responsibility. Kudos to you.
I really wish you the best. 
Now ignore me and get talking to your Ex.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I hope the best for you BB. Your acceptance of your wrongdoing is indicative of the integrity and honesty that will give you best chance of R. You commited a major crime against your spouse and your marriage and understand that which will allow you to continue to be honest and open and do the work necessary for both of you to heal regardless of the outcome. Kudos on a good start. Keep up the good work.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Black Bunny. I just want to say that you can hold your head high on this board. There will be many people reading this thread who wish your attitude was undertaken by their DS. You did wrong, but you don't need anyone to tell you that, you hold your hands up and accept full responsibility. Kudos to you.
> I really wish you the best.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dowjones said:


> BB, there IS hope for you, and mostly because you owned up to your affair. My wife had an EA with a co-worker, and kissed him once, but when he tried for more, *she punched his lights out and ran for the hills. LOL *


:rofl: Your wife sounds like a hellcat. Great story!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Jelly, I am now beggining to understand your perspective!


The clarity & understanding I now have re: infidelity came at a huge price. 

So while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it has made me a better person.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi everyone, been very busy at work today, glad to be home and resting now. Not gonna reply too much tonight as I have something I want to run by you all to see if it is ok or not but firstly to Jellybeans again thank you for your support and I know you weren't saying that about the no sex thing being an excuse I just wanted to make sure nobody else thought that's what I was trying to say. It is one of the reasons I didn't come out straight away and say well he did this and didn't do this and I did this and didn't do this etc cause none of it is an excuse for what I have done. It didn't help the relationship but it wasn't the cause of the affair, that was my own choice, which I deeply regret and want to make right.
Again thank you all for the support with this, I will say Dowjones your wife really is a hellcat, that's fantastic, I wish more people were so ballsy. I am also in counselling (once a week, have been going since the start of april). I have started an art class which is something I used to love and just kind of got out of the habit of doing it. I believe that I am making positive steps not only in trying to make things right but also in trying to make myself a better person.

Right on to what I want to run by you all:
It is from a few suggestions that have come up and what i would like to do is (as I am quite creative) make my ex a little treasure box. I will paint and decorate the box and I am going to include inside of it a little sculpture by me, a little box frame with some dried roses and a poem. A couple of letters. Maybe some photos that I took whilst we were together and some I have taken after everything happened that have reminded me of him or that have given me hope. I was going to make some heart shaped choc rice crispy treats as he adores those and I was going to include a copy of a letter he wrote to me not long after the split (infact it was actually the morning after he kicked me out of the house) I think it would be good for him to reread it and see how much he did truly want to work things out. Oh and probably a mix cd of songs that are full of what I want to say. Anyway that is what I have got planned and I just wanted to see what you all thought about this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't gift him with anything, Bunny. 

I would have a serious talk with him about your relationship.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Are you kidding, JB? Heck, the remorse she is showing, the thoughtfulness and time that would be invested in that gift, etc.? I say go for it. If he doesn't see what he has in you trying so hard to reconcile, I feel for him. As many have said, I wish my wife was 1% as remorseful as you seem. And I consider her actions 1000 X worse than the ones you describe. Yet, I am still living under the same roof working on reconciliation. We do have 3 children, which strongly affects that decision. However, I would go for it. I think you have a great idea there. I would love it if my wife did something like that.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I agree with Hurting. She's done it out of her own desire to make him feel special. She has a lot of thought put into it too. Bunny- you're one of the few who really gets it. I really hope it works out for you. Look at me... rooting for a former WS- that tells you something right there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I see what you guys mean. I say go for it. If he isn't receptive to it, do not be surprised but ... hopefully he will be.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

blackbunny said:


> Hi everyone, been very busy at work today, glad to be home and resting now. Not gonna reply too much tonight as I have something I want to run by you all to see if it is ok or not but firstly to Jellybeans again thank you for your support and I know you weren't saying that about the no sex thing being an excuse I just wanted to make sure nobody else thought that's what I was trying to say. It is one of the reasons I didn't come out straight away and say well he did this and didn't do this and I did this and didn't do this etc cause none of it is an excuse for what I have done. It didn't help the relationship but it wasn't the cause of the affair, that was my own choice, which I deeply regret and want to make right.
> Again thank you all for the support with this, I will say Dowjones your wife really is a hellcat, that's fantastic, I wish more people were so ballsy. I am also in counselling (once a week, have been going since the start of april). I have started an art class which is something I used to love and just kind of got out of the habit of doing it. I believe that I am making positive steps not only in trying to make things right but also in trying to make myself a better person.
> 
> Right on to what I want to run by you all:
> It is from a few suggestions that have come up and what i would like to do is (as I am quite creative) make my ex a little treasure box. I will paint and decorate the box and I am going to include inside of it a little sculpture by me, a little box frame with some dried roses and a poem. A couple of letters. Maybe some photos that I took whilst we were together and some I have taken after everything happened that have reminded me of him or that have given me hope. I was going to make some heart shaped choc rice crispy treats as he adores those and I was going to include a copy of a letter he wrote to me not long after the split (infact it was actually the morning after he kicked me out of the house) I think it would be good for him to reread it and see how much he did truly want to work things out. Oh and probably a mix cd of songs that are full of what I want to say. Anyway that is what I have got planned and I just wanted to see what you all thought about this?


BB, I think that this is a great idea, but you also need to communicate too. My wife is always making me little gifts and love notes and I do the same, it's a sign of our love and really good way to perk up a tough work day. My wife will also stop by my office for a ,"quicky", or will give me a (ahem) BJ during lunch, but much more than that, we talk and talk all of the time, and really try to communicate our feelings and thought to each other. We are far happier now than before the EA, plus we are far closer.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi everyone. I was hoping that it would lead to being able to communicate with him about everything. 
I hadn't mentioned this because I was trying to sort it all out from what I had done but it turns out that two years into our relationship he had an EA with someone that lasted for months. I didn't know this till recently.

Having said that though I do appreciate your help, however it seems to have been in vain as even though it has only just been three months since everything happened within the space of two months he had met someone else and is seeing them. 

I feel terrible but I guess I got what I deserved


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Listen Black Bunny, and listen good. You have been amazing in how you've dealt with this and your acceptence of responsibility is wonderfully mature and honest. Don't say you got what you 'deserved', understand it as a natural consequence of an action you've taken.
You sound like a wonderful prson who has learned, really learned a life lesson. You will take that with you forever and hopefully it will allow you build a stronger relationship in the future.
You've been a breath of fresh air on this site, I really wish you the best for the future.
N-B


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Numb Badger. You do not deserve what he's doing any more than he deserved what you did. The two of you need to confront both of these issues head on. I hope he's stopped.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey BB---you never were a bad person---you just messed up

Your idea about the gift is great---send flowers also


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hey, Thanks for the kind words about it all. I really appreciate all the help you gave me and hopefully I can come back and maybe give some help to people in return. For the time being I am going off line for a week or so. I think I now need time on my own to try and figure out what I am going to do next. Again thank you for all the help. You are all wonderful. BB x


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

At least you tried.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi everyone, sorry for disappearing for a while. I needed some time alone I think. I have come to terms with the end of the relationship now and that he has moved on and I am attempting to do the same. Just wanted to once again thank everyone for all their help and hopefully now my head is clearer I will be able to help others as well in return.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad to hear you are doing well and moving on. 

In the future, if your partner isn't meeting your needs, speak up!


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## blackbunny (Jun 19, 2011)

Cheers JB. I will do from here on in. Now all I need to do is figure out how to go about this whole dating malarcky. It's all so confusing


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Glad to hear you are doing well and moving on.
> 
> In the future, if your partner isn't meeting your needs, speak up!


:iagree::iagree:


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