# Is divorce the answer? Please help!



## Alistair13 (Aug 20, 2017)

First of all, I don't love my wife anymore, but she says she still loves me. She just doesn't show it - ever! I care for her as a person, and I want only the best for her... without me. She's been more like a room-mate than a wife these past few years. No love, no affection, no sex, no kind words... and every time I have tried to rekindle what we once had was met with opposition by her. And she had the nerve to say that it's all in my head. I tried to get her to agree to go to marriage counseling, but she said no. She says there's nothing wrong with our marriage, and that it was all in my head. Then she got angry and resentful that I was making her the bad guy. To be fair, I know I'm not perfect and that I've changed myself over the years. I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to live with sometimes, but I don't want our marriage to destroy itself without a fight. I'm tired of being alone all the time. I'm in a relationship and I feel totally alone. She doesn't want to help me save our marriage, fine! I'm tired of feeling guilty, depressed, angry and resentful... and I'm tire of her not caring about any of it. I'm sick of it and I'm done!!! 
I'm 51 and she's 68, so I know that divorce won't be easy on her. But she has children from two previous husbands who are willing to take care of her. We've been married for nearly 14 years, and those years have been mostly bad ones. We haven't had sex for almost 10 years, and whenever I go near her after what I had hoped would be a romantic evening, she pushes me away saying that it's irritating to her. She is angry all of the time. She's openly racist (I'm not, and her attitudes disturb and anger me), she's overly opinionated about everything (my opinions don't count), and everything I do is wrong in her eyes. I'm not kidding. We've had countless arguments about how she says I eat wrong, walk wrong, sleep wrong, talk wrong, drive wrong, cook wrong, clean wrong, sit wrong... this has gone on nearly every day for 14 years. I can see if she's ribbing me in a good-natured way, but she's not. She get angry - big time! She's a control freak, and it truly seems to bother her that I have a mind of my own. I don't think the way she does, and somehow that makes me wrong. I told her that sometimes we will disagree and that's okay, as long as we respect one another and respect the other person's opinion. WRONG!
She doesn't want me to say good morning, because it's not a good morning and never will be. She doesn't want me to wish her goodnight for the same reason. She doesn't want me to say "Bless you" when she sneezes, because it just reminds her that she sneezed. She also doesn't want me to ask her about her day. She says that if there's anything she feels I need to know she'll tell me without my asking. She even tries to control my career, which I resist daily. I'm tired and I just want it all to stop. I'm mentally exhausted, and it's affecting my life in unfortunate ways.
We have no children, so that's not a consideration, but she did say she would kill herself if I left her. I know I took vows... through good times and bad, till death do us part... but I need advice. Please help me discover the right thing to do.
Thank you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I can't figure out why you didn't file years ago...


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## Alistair13 (Aug 20, 2017)

I took vows which I take very seriously... and that is what is giving me such grief.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

People who threaten to kill themselves are just bluffing you and trying to control you.

Pack your stuff and just leave! 

Or wait another 14yrs.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Alistair13 said:


> I took vows which I take very seriously... and that is what is giving me such grief.


She took vows also. If she not keeping up her end of the deal then your free to say this is not the marriage I was looking for. Good luck see you later


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Alistair13 said:


> I took vows which I take very seriously... and that is what is giving me such grief.


There's more to marriage than not divorcing.

Or at least there's _supposed_ to be.

I'll give you the same advice I'd give to a 51-year-old woman married to a 68-year-old man under similar circumstances:

I can't see spending the rest of your life with someone so much older, especially when a) you're not getting much out of the arrangement and b) you don't have any children together.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Hmmm. I dunno. My spidey senses are tingling tingling. 


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She's was old enough to be your mother when you married and now she has grown into the role.She sounds very insecure and she is bullying you hide her insecurities.Do you really want to live your life like a scared child?
Leave this toxic relationship and file for divorce,it sounds like she is grooming you to be her full time carer in her old age.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

I feel for you, thanks for sharing.. I am currently trying to change my controlling nature, although your wife has me beat by a mile... I have no advise but wish you well and good luck.


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## ruffneckred (May 11, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> People who threaten to kill themselves are just bluffing you and trying to control you.
> 
> Pack your stuff and just leave!
> 
> Or wait another 14yrs.



I miss that part that mentions suicide?????? oops I found it


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## Alistair13 (Aug 20, 2017)

Thank you.


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## Alistair13 (Aug 20, 2017)

Thank you all for your patience and kind words. I truly appreciate your input.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Ask yourself this question " do I want to live the next 20 or 30 years living in this toxic environment "
If you can answer YES without feeling nauseous....then maybe you still have hope....even then...hope will not miraculously turn your nightmare into a happy marriage.
If your answer is NO because you feel like you're going to have a panic attack....then you have tolerated enough and it's time to get out.
Been there...it was the one question that tipped the scales to call it quits for me.


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## Alistair13 (Aug 20, 2017)

Thank you. That does help.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You get ONE shot at life. You have spent most of the last 14 years of that life unhappy, with someone who clearly doesnt give a damn about you. Dont you think that is enough?

File. You should have done so years ago.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

Dude, you gotta go. She doesn't want you. It's beyond plain. Don't be a fool. It's admiral that your embracing your vows but this is inane. Her vows to you was submitting to you as her husband, she clearly didn't take them seriously. And no kids with her? That would be the only reason to even consider staying and in this case, a bad reason at that. 


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Wait, you were 40 years old having sex with a almost 60 year old? Was the sex that good back then? I don't get it. 

You should move out tomorrow and start dating/banging 40 year old something hotties. Life is short, don't waste another day. 

You need to get into a therapist. Figure out why you let yourself live like this for 10+ years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

YOu are still relatively young, why are you putting up with this? She sounds like a complete bully with no regard for your feelings and she is acting like your mother not your wife.

Stand up for yourself, tell her how you feel and then move on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get out of that toxic relationship like yesterday! 

You may well have to part with half of your community assets in order to do so, but with the prospects of leaving such a toxic, bullying environment like that, it would be so well worth it!*


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

It took me a long time to see that my H was passively controlling the relationship. I always thought I was the jerk for wanting out, for wanting more, for needing more from my partner, because he was so passive and not aggressively obnoxious, and I was an ass for needing someone who cared about me in the way I wanted to be cared for. Then through counselling realized that he is actually controlling everything and I'm the fool because I think he's passive, but he's not. Digging your heels in the sand and saying "it's you" or "there's nothing wrong" is a way of controlling, and it's also a way of not engaging in the relationship. It takes 2 people to make a relationship and two people to break it, but only one person to decide it's over. When one person checks out, that is a CLEAR sign that they are done, even if they say "everything's great". You have a right to need and want more from your wife, and if this is not what you signed up for, then it isn't. Marriage vows mean nothing if they are not respected by both parties. No matter whether you said "till death do us part", or "I will always love and respect you" or whatever the heck you said. It's like saying "lets get in a boat and row it across the channel, you take the left oar and I take the right and we'll get to the other side". Then halfway across one person stops rowing and you say "well I'm not gonna stop rowing even though I'm going in circles because I promised to keep going till we get to the other side.


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