# When to give up



## SoloNole (Sep 15, 2011)

I'd like a women's advice to a man in my situation, but welcome any guy's input as well.

My wife and I have been together for 20 years (more than half our lives) and have two kids (10 & 12). Over the past couple of years, she says we've grown apart emotionally and two weeks ago she gave me the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech and she's now talking divorce. I've made several suggestions about marriage counciling, but she isn't interested in trying to save our marriage. I've cried (alone) over this as I think about how this will affect our children, about not being a family anymore, and about how this affect our lives.

I know there are many things I could/should have done to prevent this. I have never been one to overly praise my wife, whether it was to say how beautiful she looked or how great dinner was on a night she made something special. I myself have never needed compliments to feel appreciated, but I now realize (too late) this is something she truly needed.

But over the last year, she has become openly disrespectful to me more and more. At parties she would say things like "he's an a$$, I don't care what he think" and once she left me at a concert without notice - just got in the car with a friend and took off. I've written most of this behavior off because it happened when we've been drinking, though it now is clear there were underlying feelings, not just the booze talking.

The ultimate disrespect came when she admitted being unfaithful in our marriage. I found out about it the hard way when I developed clear signs of Chlamydia. After I was tested positive, she went to the doctor and also tested positive. That's when she admitted she'd been with another guy (she claimed to have only made out and stopped things before they went too far...please! I don't think C spreads through heaving petting.)

I admit I've been missing the signs of her unhappiness for a long time and still wish we weren't splitting up, but part of me feels pissed off that she cheated on me (gave me a STD ) and won't even consider counciling to save our marriage even after I forgave the infidelity. I'm struggling with the decision of trying to change myself and start independent counciling to find ways to possibly save our marriage, or just giving up and moving forward with the divorce. I just don't see signs in her that there is a chance of reconciliation. But I'm a man and have missed the clear signs in the past. Could there be signs I'm missing now that it's not too late???:scratchhead:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Nope. Sounds like all the signs are clear as a pane of glass... she's done.

I think the individual counseling would be really good for you. It will help you navigate this separation and deal with the anger and guilt you have for 1) feeling like you failed your wife over the years and 2) the affair she had.

The STD is too much for me. Having the affair is one thing, but lying about it even AFTER you catching an STD is just so wrong. She has no respect for you whatsoever, and I don't think that can be restored by anything you do. She is done.


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## oldflyguy (Sep 15, 2011)

sounds like it is over, time to move on and take care of the kids. They will need you now...
if it was me I would have been gone when I got the STD....
E/A and out the door I go...



OFG


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Coming from a woman's perspective here ... Don't beg or plead for counseling. When I tell a man I'm done, I'm done. End of story.

She will disrespect you even more if you make further attempts to salvage what you think might be left of your marriage. I will tell you, again from a woman's perspective (and my own personal bias), that women respect a man who sucks it up, changes his focus to his kids, and gets on with his own life.

I know you are in pain, have loads of anger, and plenty of other feelings going on right now; thus, get into IC. Your feelings are perfectly normal, given your situation. Don't give her an opportunity to shove more disrespect in your face.

JMO, but a spouse giving their partner an STD and not coming clean about it, doesn't sound like someone with any integrity to me. You have your faults, but c'mon - that type of behavior is completely unacceptable.


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## SoloNole (Sep 15, 2011)

I took the weekend off from this forum, so just now reading everyone's comments. Thanks for your replies. I'm not surprised on everyone's agreement and think you're all right about there being no more need to discuss reconciliation. I just have to figure out my approach to the divorce now, so I'll be seeing an attorney this week.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*hugs* I am sending you strength, my love. 

What a horrible woman- Not only did she disrespect your vows by cheating, but she also had the nerve to give you an STI!


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

SoloNole said:


> I'm struggling with the decision of *trying to change myself* and start independent counseling to find ways *to possibly save our marriage*, or just giving up and moving forward with the divorce. :




I would let her go. You want to change so that you can keep a woman who blatantly disrespects you and has unprotected sex with other men? She not only put your health at risk but your children's too. Your lucky it was only Chlamydia, not HIV. IMHO the only thing you need to work on it trying to be strong for your children, her behavior and attitude is going to make divorce hard on them. They need one stable parent and judging by the description of your wife, it's not going to be her. 

I would also join the Coping with Infidelity group here on TAM. They will offer you great guidance in dealing with this situation and preparing for the "blame shifting" that is yet to come.

I wish you much strength and luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Man up and lawyer up. She has left the marriage physically and emotionally. Sounds like she's been sleeping around a lot too going back to before the disreoect started. You have likely only emboldened her and lowered her respect for you even more by forgiving her cheating. Common man she cheated and gave you an STD. Where is the Lind where you aren't willing to be a doormat?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

SoloNole said:


> ...
> 
> The ultimate disrespect came when she admitted being unfaithful in our marriage. I found out about it the hard way when I developed clear signs of Chlamydia. After I was tested positive, she went to the doctor and also tested positive. That's when she admitted she'd been with another guy (she claimed to have only made out and stopped things before they went too far...please! I don't think C spreads through heaving petting.)
> 
> I admit I've been missing the signs of her unhappiness for a long time and still wish we weren't splitting up, but part of me feels pissed off that she cheated on me (gave me a STD ) and won't even consider counciling to save our marriage even after I forgave the infidelity. I'm struggling with the decision of trying to change myself and start independent counciling to find ways to possibly save our marriage, or just giving up and moving forward with the divorce. I just don't see signs in her that there is a chance of reconciliation. But I'm a man and have missed the clear signs in the past. Could there be signs I'm missing now that it's not too late???:scratchhead:


Why would you want to stay? Do you want an open marriage? Do you want her to give you a more permanent STD like herpes or HIV?

It's probably too late now.

May I suggest that you prepare yourself for divorce? Learn about manning up, the 180, and work on improving yourself.

Consider it a lesson learned in life and move onwards.


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## SoloNole (Sep 15, 2011)

I get the man up message - loud and clear. My brain is confusing the act of staying with her as a way of protecting the kids. Hate to lose my marriage, but as you've all said, she's already left it, so there's nothing to stay for. Started looking for a new place today. It sucks, but it's a step forward I guess.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Brother im sorry for your loss. It is normal for us pleasers to want to "keep the family together" even in the face of such blatant betrayal. You are teaching your kids it's ok to stay with a person that treats you like dirt and betrays you.

Get IC and work on your codependent issues. I'm working on mine and it's liberating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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