# At that point, want to restart, but how?



## markd (Jan 30, 2010)

My wife and i have been married almost 7 years (just a week away, horrible timing).

I think my wife and I both recognize our faults, but we've been through this before. We've been driven to this point a couple times before. I get so upset with her negativity whereas I used to live by the golden rule. I feel that her negativity has rubbed off on me and I don't like it. This seems to be the biggest issue. She says she wants to change. The times before when we got to this point, she has changed. some. I have changed some. As an example, we might walk through the store shopping, and she'll point out 10 people and their problems (clothing, weight, whatever), but never a "wow, she looks good". If there's a woman that is all dressed up (like office attire), she'll make a comment about how she's all dressed up, but I feel it's with a tone of dislike). I know I've become hyper-sensitive to her negativity. She could probably be super nice all day and make one negative comment and I'll chalk off that day as a negative day.

Other issues:
sex (not enough for me, she has almost zero interest, and when we do, it's very one-sided participation)

children (i want, she mostly doesn't. we're having problems conceiving, and she won't go to the doctor. since this latest divorce discussion has come up, she's conceded and is willing to go, but it makes me think, what if she won't go when she's pregnant, and what if something happens? Also, what if we have children and then she doesn't like having children? she says her willingness is so she'll have someone to take care of her when she's old. that concerns me.)

self-confidence/self-image problems (her side)

listening/talking problems (my side)

affection (she says I'm not affectionate enough, I feel that she's not affectionate enough)

pets (she is very pet oriented. I like pets, but not to the level she has taken it too. I could not stop her and it's causing problems. we currently have 10 cats and dogs of our own. she also takes in feral cats, fixes them, and sets them back out. I don't like how much money we have to spend on them and the various problems they cause, like smell. she has made progress here, many of our indoor cats are not restricted to the backyard and one indoor room. it still feels overwhelming.)

time (we have none. she spends all her and my time working on our house, her parents house, my parents house, everything but "us")

love (she loves me. I believe it. at this point, I do not love her. it hurts her and me. part of this is that she is always saying "you don't love me", even when I did. She also does not express that she loves me. She will say alternate terms, but they just aren't the same. and it gets to the point that we both start to believe it.)

jealousy (we both have problems with it. I am jealous of coworkers and friends who are doing better in side businesses (I work in a field that it is common to be employed and do odd jobs on the side). I have the capability (sometimes more than others) but lack the drive and so I see coworkers and friends who have more drive and it makes me jealous. She is jealous of me. I am smart, and she feels she cannot compete. I try very hard not to make her feel that way, it is her doing that. I do not talk down to her (or at least try not to). this goes back to her self-confidence. She is also jealous of her cousins who are having children and her friends who, she thinks, are prettier. she has lots of natural beauty, everyone but her thinks so.)

standards (she feels I am too good for her. I think we are well matched, but I can't help but hold her to a higher standard. I don't know how to stop that, or at least accept her for who she is. At the same time, I think everyone should be held to a higher standard, it should make them strive to be better)


Non-issues:
Money (I am VERY fortunate in this economy to have a very stable job (state employment) that pays well for our city. we live comfortably, not rich by any means, but comfortably. I would say she does not work, but that's not accurate. She does not bring in income. She works harder than I do. She works on our house, my parents who are getting older, her parents, etc. she basically manages 4 households.)

Materialism (we don't have it. We are both very reasonable with the things we want and the things we get.)

Interaction (this is going to seem like a contradiction. we get a long very well. we work well as a team. we both share common interests like working on our house.)

fidelity (we have both been 100% loyal. I have absolutely no reason to believe she's cheated on me and I have never cheated on her.)

We have talked and talked. (Instant Messaging is great because it lets us be more honest without all the emotion).
We BOTH want to try again.

The questions I can't figure out:
1. We've been through this before, several times. never this bad, but close. How do I set aside the past times and genuinely accept that we're both trying and that something will change and that we just aren't going to end up here again in 4 months or 4 years?
2. If she doesn't want children, is that something she should really compromise on? That could make her soooo unhappy. I know the alternate side is that she may really take to it, but that is such a huge gamble.

Finally, the big question...

How do I restart? Really, how?
I've read tons of this stuff about "just start working on it and listen to him/her and communicate and blah blah blah blah blah." But really. How do you do it? I don't know. Do I get up tomorrow and say "hi honey" or what? How do you wipe away 7 years of bad memories? (no, not all are bad memories, *not at all*, but the bad ones are the problem here). This is the part I can't figure out.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have much input here, but I read the part about the animals, and especially the feral cat situation. Very nobel of her in fact. She seems pretty caring about the overwhelming pet population. What does that say about her character? Not sure. But I would do the same thing despite the costs, and I have. 

And really, you shouldn't think about 4 months from now or 4 years from now. I guess having been married to an addict helped me to realize it's one day at a time really, especially when you're trying to get through difficult times. Easier said than done, I know. 

If she knows that you don't love her, it will be very difficult to restart. Things tend to stick with folks, and how receptive would you be to someone you know who admittingly doesn't love you? 

I'm going through a very difficult time, so maybe I'm a bit jaded. But best wishes to you and your wife.


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