# Husband Asked for Divorce :(



## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Good Afternoon,

I am new to the forum, and up until a few weeks ago I thought I had the kind of marriage that would stand the test of time. We have been married for 4.5 years (we have a blended family, no kids together), and were best friends prior to getting married.

Over the past two years my career has really blossomed and I am in a position now where most people would say we are unequally matched. I took a less demanding job for him to finish his degree three years ago and by a stroke of luck I ended up getting the top job at the company I went to work for. Over the past year I have seen my husband pull away from me and begin to be threatened by my success. Even though we were still very close he became more upset at the "little things" that would happen and started to spend more money on himself (I think in an attempt to make himself feel better/ more content). 

We got into an argument a few weeks ago which ended in me telling him, in a fit of anger, that he needed to leave because I couldn't do this anymore. After I cooled off I thought we would just make up and life would go on as usual. What ended up happening is that he agreed and said that he thinks we should divorce. He said that at his job he has found himself seeking the attention of his clients to flirt with him, and although he has never cheated he didn't want to do something to make me hate him. He also said that he is unhappy with himself and that my career makes it even harder for him because he feels like he can't measure up. 

There is no other woman, and he maintains that he still loves me. He's said he doesn't even know that this is what he wants, but that he has to do something to try to get himself happy again. He was in the military prior to our marriage and was also married before that, and so he said he's never really been alone in his adult life and thinks he needs to do that to see if he can make it on his own. He's already signed a lease on his apartment, and is moving out next month with his daughter. I will keep the house as a joint property. 

Since we "split" we have not argued and have been in really good spirits with one another. I love him, of course, and have been making a point to stay busy and away from him as much as possible. He's started to "flag" me down and talk about his day, how friends' reactions to the news, that he still loves me and everyone knows it, and even going as far to tell me he's going to miss certain features of my body. He also maintains this is what he wants to do and that he thinks I'm an "amazing wife" and that this is no reflection on me.

SO my question is this...have any of you gotten back together after a situation like this? Can depression make a man leave his wife despite loving her? This is killing me, and although I know I must walk away I still have some hope in my heart that we will end up back together.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am sorry that your situation finds you here, and while the exact thing did not happen to me, i can say that at one point in our marriage my wife was making a lot more than i, and i never felt threaten, nor did my wife even care. I sense that your husband is insecure, but what really troubles me is what he said to you about his clients flirting, that is more of someone with a maturity problem. I understand there may still be love left in your marriage, i feel he wants to control it, if only to gain an upper hand...you need a partner in marriage and in life who is a grown up.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there will be no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for him.
he's throwing away the gold he does have, in the hopes there will be something bigger somewhere.
most likely not.

his jealousy (insecurity) is clouding his his judgement and driving him nuts......... literally.
unless you rub your success in his face, then it's his problem and his alone.

maybe he'll get his act together and resolve his insecurities, come to his senses, maybe not. 

in the meantime, what can you do? give him some time, the space he needs and wait to see what he does. but don't wait too long.
and if he uses his soul searching time to play around, then you have your final answer.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He's cheating on you and wants to move out to test the waters of his new relationship(s). If things don't work out there, expect him to come crawling back to you. Till the next time he feels like sowing his wild oats.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Thanks, guys. I can tell you that it seems like he has been very respectful in all this, even mentioning when I changed my FB profile picture away from a picture us together and delicately saying that he is going to go ahead and change his. I've never rubbed my success in his face, as I thought we were working together to build a life. He is still living in the house, in a spare bedroom, and has not been talking to any other women. He still goes to bed at 9pm each night like he's always done. I've just been trying to keep busy and moving forward. I love this man with all my heart and I just want the best for both of us.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> He's cheating on you and wants to move out to test the waters of his new relationship(s). If things don't work out there, expect him to come crawling back to you. Till the next time he feels like sowing his wild oats.


I thought maybe that was initially, but I went back through his phone records just to see for myself. No weird numbers there.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ChipperE said:


> I thought maybe that was initially, but I went back through his phone records just to see for myself. No weird numbers there.


So he has a burner phone you don't know about.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So he has a burner phone you don't know about.


Either that or he has someone already in mind and is waiting to move forward.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Whatever! If my wife told me to leave, I wouldn't slow down until I was in an another state. He's unhappy and she hands him a get out of jail free card. Viola!


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

ChipperE said:


> Good Afternoon,
> 
> We got into an argument a few weeks ago which ended in me telling him, in a fit of anger, *that he needed to leave because I couldn't do this anymore.* *After I cooled off I thought we would just make up and life would go on as usual.* What ended up happening is that *he agreed* and said that he thinks we should divorce. He said that at his job he has found himself seeking the attention of his clients to flirt with him, and although he has never cheated he didn't want to do something to make me hate him. He also said that he is unhappy with himself and that my career makes it even harder for him because he feels like *he can't measure up*.
> 
> ...


After cooling off did you re-address your statement about him leaving? The above seems to be a brush off but life didn't go on as usual. Maybe there's more to this than the one incident and the feeling of measuring up.

You finish by concluding that it's his depression that's causing this. Could be. Also could be that stuff gets swept under the rug and you two don't really communicate. 

You may be heading for divorce but it doesn't seem that you have to. Have you tried marital counseling? Might be a good idea.

~ Passio


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> Good Afternoon,
> 
> I am new to the forum, and up until a few weeks ago I thought I had the kind of marriage that would stand the test of time. We have been married for 4.5 years (we have a blended family, no kids together), and were best friends prior to getting married.
> 
> ...



I think cheating is certainly a possibility, and it happens a lot normally it is the man with the stressful job and the woman who feels emotionally detached and cheats. So how much of a priority was you job compared to him and your relationship. Maybe you are in kind of a reverse situation that woman sometimes have where their husbands' priority is his job and she feels like she is all alone. Was the plan always for you to be a career woman, or were both of you not really career driven and things have changed now with your success. My point is it doesn't have to be about money it can be about shifting priorities. 

My first priorities is my wife and I expect me to be hers, it that changes I would have trouble with it. That has nothing to do with how much money she makes because that can always change plus her money is my money and vice versa so it's great when she makes good money, but it does have to do with where she decides to put her emotional resources in the long term. Now that doesn't mean I won't help her to be successful but at the end of the day it's Family then work for me and she told me it was for her too, that is one of the reasons I married her. That is the marriage I want, maybe your husband feels the same way. If this is the case then he has done the honorable thing and ended it with you before he cheated. Maybe he just sees that you have grown apart and it's time for you both to go your separate ways. If he were to tell you to quit your job we would all be killing him. He knows that is not his place. Maybe. Just a thought. 

If it is just about the money then even though it is kind of week some men just can't handle it. It's sad. But at least he did the honorable thing and he didn't cheat. Maybe he wants more of an old fashion life, that doesn't make him a bad guy. Especially if that is want he was thinking you were about as well. 

Or maybe he is a lying cheating bastard.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ChipperE said:


> Since we "split" we have not argued and have been in really good spirits with one another. I love him, of course, and have been making a point to stay busy and away from him as much as possible. He's started to "flag" me down and talk about his day, how friends' reactions to the news, that he still loves me and everyone knows it, and *even going as far to tell me he's going to miss certain features of my body*. He also maintains this is what he wants to do and that he thinks I'm an "amazing wife" and that this is no reflection on me.


He mentioned he's going to miss some of your body parts, but nothing about missing you?? That might tell you everything you need to know about how much he values you.

He does sound like someone who needs to work on his own self-esteem and other issues before he would be a good partner. He was okay with being with you when you were his 'inferior' but he can't deal with feeling 'inferior' to you. Partnership should go beyond that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> He mentioned he's going to miss some of your body parts, but nothing about missing you?? That might tell you everything you need to know about how much he values you.
> 
> He does sound like someone who needs to work on his own self-esteem and other issues before he would be a good partner. He was okay with being with you when you were his 'inferior' but he can't deal with feeling 'inferior' to you. Partnership should go beyond that.


Um why? Maybe they had a healthy sex life, why can't a husband or former lover miss a body part. That doesn't make them shallow it also doesn't make it the only thing he misses. You are putting a lot into one comment. 

I bet she is happy he misses her body part as most wives with healthy sex lives would be. Her body is probably one of the many reasons he fell in love with her. Sexuality and sexual attraction is a normal part of a relationship.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He's cheating on you and wants to move out to test the waters of his new relationship(s). If things don't work out there, expect him to come crawling back to you. Till the next time he feels like sowing his wild oats.


This. Speaking from experience, they don't necessarily leave a trail. I was also the breadwinner, which to me if he wasn't happy, he should have gotten off his a$$ and done something about it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Hope's assessment, however, I am also going to call you out on your immature, empty divorce threat to your husband. 

You should never make threats you do not intend to follow through on. Especially not divorce/split threats. You thought everything would go back to normal, like he's supposed to just take your outburst and ignore it. You were surprised when HE followed through and your threat came back to bite you. His actions showed that he'd had enough, too. 

What had you done, if anything, to address his jealousy about your career? It is his problem to manage, but it's still a topic that two adults should address openly and completely. It might be well past this point now. 

If he's clearly moving on, I think the best thing you can do is just let him go. Don't let him keep you in limbo as a "friend." Don't entertain his comments of missing you, etc. It's just a gradual part of detaching that does nothing but cause confusion and second guessing.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Thanks for all the feedback. To answer some of the questions here is a little more info:

We have always had a healthy sex life, even up til the split 3 weeks ago. He has always been a very attentive husband and has always made me feel loved. He even brought me flowers a few days before we split up. I do think my words perpetuated the split, and I was completely wrong for what I said. Taught me a lesson about saying things and trying to get the upper hand. He made comments about how he didn't want to put himself in a position to be hurt again. 

I am generally an easy-going person. He is more type A in that he wants things a certain way. It's actually been a positive in our relationship. As far as my career, he was very encouraging with it and I never thought he felt insecure- he always seemed proud of me. It's only in the past year that I've seen him "compensating" in his own way, like maybe exaggerating his job to friends when we are hanging out. He's been trying to start a business and I have been very excited for him to go after his goals. 

As I said, he's still in the house, and now he's become almost "chasing" towards me. He'll come home and bring stuff for dinner for the kids, or ask if I've eaten dinner. It's almost like he's still my husband in some regards but without the physical components. We have not argued. Today I got texts from him saying he was "sorry" for startling me this morning for coming in to my room to use the bathroom (we are currently sharing a bathroom) and hope I have a great day today. I didn't really know what he was talking about so I told him no problem, and my day was going great, thanks- hope yours is too. He says "This is one of those days I wish I had my best friend back...no need to reply to this..." I don't know what to make of it.

My strategy in all this is to just do me. Working out more than usual, staying busy with my kids and friends. Staying as relaxed and peaceful as I can for my own sanity (I'm generally a peaceful person). Of course I love my husband but I do not want to be (1) a pushover or (2) a b*tch. I want to leave the lines of communication open in case he has a change of heart, but I can't expect it.

**EDIT** Here is the replies to the texts: me: I know you said I didn't have to but you should know that I do care about you and I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I wish I could make it better for you him: I know, but it's one of those things I have to learn to do on my own. I've never really been independent and it's a big change me: You can do it. We are both learning him: On another note, this no sex thing sucks bc from my workouts my testosterone is in full gear. I wanted so badly to jump in your bed at 5 this morning but I have so many emotions involved that I wouldn't have left your bed **** Agh.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

He's nuts! Sounds like he's going flakey. Give him what he wants, protect yourself, DON"T make it easy for him. Make him feel the pain that is the reality of a divorce and see if he snaps out of it. First thing........get his ass out of the house.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> He's nuts! Sounds like he's going flakey. Give him what he wants, protect yourself, DON"T make it easy for him. Make him feel the pain that is the reality of a divorce and see if he snaps out of it. First thing........get his ass out of the house.


Yeah, it feels very flaky. I know this man loves me, I do not doubt it. But why are you fighting so hard against it? It's weird. He is moving the 2nd weekend in December, and that can't happen any sooner unfortunately. Luckily I will be traveling for the next 1.5 weeks with my kids so it will be a good time for it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ChipperE said:


> **EDIT** Here is the replies to the texts: me: I know you said I didn't have to but you should know that I do care about you and I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I wish I could make it better for you him: I know, but it's one of those things I have to learn to do on my own. I've never really been independent and it's a big change me: You can do it. We are both learning him: On another note, this no sex thing sucks bc from my workouts my testosterone is in full gear. I wanted so badly to jump in your bed at 5 this morning but I have so many emotions involved that I wouldn't have left your bed **** Agh.


What a jerk.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There have been studies done showing that most men deep down, don't like for their wives to earn more than them. Equal salaries were also met with some dissatisfaction on the part of the men, but if their wives earned a lot more, many men feel inferior, and not attracted to their partners. Studies aren't the full story, not everyone is the same, but I think many men may say they're cool with it, but they're really not. Having said that, if your success is that much of a threat to your husband, and he is seeking female attention elsewhere, then maybe it's time to move on. 

There have also been studies done showing that deep down, women don't want to out earn their spouses, either. It's not that it causes men or women to stop loving one another, but it does tend to cause a problem sexually for them, these studies have pointed out. Men like to feel needed and wanted, and if their wives are paying the majority of the bills, for whatever the reasons, it doesn't make the men feel good about themselves. How valid are these studies? Not sure, but I've observed this with newly married friends of mine, where the wife earns more than the husband, not by a lot, but it definitely has caused tension in their relationships. Look at how society frowns more often at stay at home dads, but not at stay at home moms.

Is that a social structure thing or are we biologically wired to thinking men should be the providers, and we shouldn't be ''providing'' for them? Idk. Interesting topic.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> He's cheating on you and wants to move out to test the waters of his new relationship(s). If things don't work out there, expect him to come crawling back to you. Till the next time he feels like sowing his wild oats.


And this. Definitely could be this.


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