# Do fWS trigger? If so what do you trigger about?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

This is a question for fWS after your affair do you trigger? What do you trigger about?

The reason I ask is we all know the anguish the BS goes through but some fWS say they experience extreme experience anguish as well. I'm trying to learn more about that side of the equation.

No judgements I just want to know what you feel. I think it would be informative for all of us on TAM.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

This is a good question, I would like to know as well. My H says every time he sees a grey van or a blond in the crowd he panics, Because he's afraid of what I'll do if we ever run into OW. I guess that would be considered triggering wouldn't it?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> This is a good question, I would like to know as well. My H says every time he sees a grey van or a blond in the crowd he panics, Because he's afraid of what I'll do if we ever run into OW. I guess that would be considered triggering wouldn't it?


I would think so i'm not sure. I'd like to know what triggers the fWS, what they feel -just more about the anatomy of their tirggering since we know so much about the anatomy of the triggering BS. I'm not sure any fWS will respond to this question but i thought it was a worth a shot to educate us all on TAM. To make it clear we are not judging you about the affair just want to know what your triggers are like and what causes them. I think it would help a lot of BSs in R to know this as well.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Yeah, I do. When I read the heartbreaking stories and the pain someone is having to endure, it brings up a lot of emotional pain for me as well. It's a reminder of what I have done.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Yeah, I do. When I read the heartbreaking stories and the pain someone is having to endure, it brings up a lot of emotional pain for me as well. It's a reminder of what I have done.


Thanks for answering. Do certain dates, images, etc trigger you? i'm curious as to how similar/different the triggering of the BS/WS is.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I can tell you my wife triggers over a certain location and certain sexual positions. The location I knew about, where they had sex, but I found out about the sexual position during our talk about intimacy. She also triggers about running into OM unexpectedly as he live very close to her employment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I can tell you my wife triggers over a certain location and certain sexual positions. The location I knew about, where they had sex, but I found out about the sexual position during our talk about intimacy. She also triggers about running into OM unexpectedly as he live very close to her employment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you say trigger, is it guilt or panic or depression? What does it entail?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Thanks for answering. Do certain dates, images, etc trigger you? i'm curious as to how similar/different the triggering of the BS/WS is.


You're welcome my friend. No...dates and/or images will not necessarily trigger me. For example, yesterday marked 9 months since D-Day (12/19/14) but I was OK with that. I tend to "trigger" as a result of my emotional response to a given story about infidelity. I know I'm a rat fvck for what I've done in the past and I'm working hard on repairing what I can, but I tend to feel things deeply. I hate it sometimes. Sometimes I'll read a story about the pain a member here has experienced from the actions of a WS and it hits me...deeply. And then, it brings up a whole slough of emotions (painful ones) about what I have done. Hope this makes sense, but that is how "I" work/process, ya know?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> You're welcome my friend. No...dates and/or images will not necessarily trigger me. For example, yesterday marked 9 months since D-Day (12/19/14) but I was OK with that. I tend to "trigger" as a result of my emotional response to a given story about infidelity. I know I'm a rat fvck for what I've done in the past and I'm working hard on repairing what I can, but I tend to feel things deeply. I hate it sometimes. Sometimes I'll read a story about the pain a member here has experienced from the actions of a WS and it hits me...deeply. And then, it brings up a whole slough of emotions (painful ones) about what I have done. Hope this makes sense, but that is how "I" work/process, ya know?


Yes it does - do you feel despair, depression, guilt, shame, etc? For example we know when the BS triggers their can be rage, anger, despair, self esteem issues - i want to know what the fWS is feeling exactly? 

i think these discussions help us all...I would love for this discussion to be as "clinical" as possible....remorseful WSs should be heard so those who are considering R know what real remorse looks like


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> When you say trigger, is it guilt or panic or depression? What does it entail?



Just after d-day she would get very anxious she would run into the OM. The sexual position brings almost a panic attack. She did become depressed as our d-day approached back in January.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Just after d-day she would get very anxious she would run into the OM. The sexual position brings almost a panic attack. She did become depressed as our d-day approached back in January.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does she do to manage her triggers? For example is that position no longer possible in your intimate moments?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> What does she do to manage her triggers? For example is that position no longer possible in your intimate moments?


In the beginning she would call me and we would talk each other through. I felt that it was important for me to know what her triggers were as she should know mine. Now she gets anxious and we can talk or text her through. We do the same for mine. The position is possible now but I never really cared for it anyway and it invoked a car so I am fine with it. She would not turn me down if I wanted to but it wasn't something we did before, in fact only once in our life together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> In the beginning she would call me and we would talk each other through. I felt that it was important for me to know what her triggers were as she should know mine. Now she gets anxious and we can talk or text her through. We do the same for mine. The position is possible now but I never really cared for it anyway and it invoked a car so I am fine with it. She would not turn me down if I wanted to but it wasn't something we did before, in fact only once in our life together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for sharing...I have some follow ups. How are the emotions you experience when you trigger different and/or similar to those your wife experiences when she triggers? Is the fear of you finding another woman part of her triggers or cause her mind movies of her own?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Good Afternoon Truthskerr1,

You pose a great question. I think it goes to the heart of question of what are the characteristics of a truly remorseful WW spouse. In the sixties a popular expression was "true love means never having to say your sorry.". This was taken to mean the act of forgiveness. It dose not ! First it means "walking a mile in the other person's shoes" and then not doing something to devastate the person you love. Hence, no need to never say I am sorry. 

I can think of no better example of mountain runners response to illustrate this. 

Thanks for the question.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Good Afternoon Truthskerr1,
> 
> You pose a great question. I think it goes to the heart of question of what are the characteristics of a truly remorseful WW spouse. In the sixties a popular expression was "true love means never having to say your sorry.". This was taken to mean the act of forgiveness. It dose not ! First it means "walking a mile in the other person's shoes" and then not doing something to devastate the person you love. Hence, no need to never say I am sorry.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I think the more we understand truly remorseful fWS the better off the BS in particular is - since they can see what goes into true remorse v. fake remorse. I hope more fWS contribute to this thread and discuss their triggers I think it will be illuminating for the BS to see at least for some WS there is a high psychological cost to their infidelity and also that true remorse is possible.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Yes it does - do you feel despair, depression, guilt, shame, etc? For example we know when the BS triggers their can be rage, anger, despair, self esteem issues - i want to know what the fWS is feeling exactly?


Those and more...depression is a big factor though and as I work on my issues in therapy, I'm working on acceptance...but it can be difficult as I find myself "beating myself up" over it and I need to move beyond that to get better. I'm making progress, but I'm fallible and I don't always catch the trigger and then I'm drawn in. One thing I think is in my favor and it gives me hope is that the feelings about myself (remorse, depression, guilt...name it..it runs the gamut) are also coupled with deep empathy for the BS in his/her story...I "feel" their pain deeply. So much so, that I want to reach out to them and express how I feel their pain and I want them to know that their are those of us who do feel it. This is getting difficult for me to concisely express what I experience, but I do hope that I am conveying it correctly once again.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Those and more...depression is a big factor though and as I work on my issues in therapy, I'm working on acceptance...but it can be difficult as I find myself "beating myself up" over it and I need to move beyond that to get better. I'm making progress, but I'm fallible and I don't always catch the trigger and then I'm drawn in. One thing I think is in my favor and it gives me hope is that the feelings about myself (remorse, depression, guilt...name it..it runs the gamut) are also coupled with deep empathy for the BS in his/her story...I "feel" their pain deeply. So much so, that I want to reach out to them and express how I feel their pain and I want them to know that their are those of us who do feel it. This is getting difficult for me to concisely express what I experience, but I do hope that I am conveying it correctly once again.


You are & it's been enlightening for me & I hope this thread has established a comfortable enough atmosphere for you to share and continue to share. If I may ask another question - are part of your triggers a fear your wife my have an RA? I've seen with some fWS that is a fear of theirs..I think, i maybe wrong, but i think it stems from their fear of losing their spouse.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Thanks for sharing...I have some follow ups. How are the emotions you experience when you trigger different and/or similar to those your wife experiences when she triggers? Is the fear of you finding another woman part of her triggers or cause her mind movies of her own?



My triggers cause pain, anxiousness, mind movies, and sadness. Hers are anxious and more panic then anything, no mind movies and some pain. Not to say she is emotionless but the triggers are much different then mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Also she fears I will find someone else and divorce, but she also knows I am committed to reconciliation. Even though she knows this, she still gets anxious as I get quiet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> My triggers cause pain, anxiousness, mind movies, and sadness. Hers are anxious and more panic then anything, no mind movies and some pain. Not to say she is emotionless but the triggers are much different then mine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do her triggers involve guilt, shame, self loathing?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Also she fears I will find someone else and divorce, but she also knows I am committed to reconciliation. Even though she knows this, she still gets anxious as I get quiet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The reason I asked is I wonder how my WS fear a RA or that their spouse will find someone else v. the BS fearing their WS will cheat again. Sometimes fear of what you think will happen is actually worse than any reality.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> You are & it's been enlightening for me & I hope this thread has established a comfortable enough atmosphere for you to share and continue to share. If I may ask another question - *are part of your triggers a fear your wife my have an RA?* I've seen with some fWS that is a fear of theirs..I think, i maybe wrong, but i think it stems from their fear of losing their spouse.


Oddly enough, it is not. I still remember her "threat" on D-Day when she said "What if I were to go out and have an affair so that you can feel what I'm going through?" I answered her honestly and told her that I would not blame her if she did.

She has openly stated that she sees me working hard on myself and that she sees tremendous progress, which gives me additional motivation to get better and to shore up our marraige in light of the wreckage I've created. She is a fabulous woman and I really don't deserve her, but we have both commited to staying together...we're stuck with one another (we say that to each other in a loving way and a smile of course)...And I, for one, am completely OK with that.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> Oddly enough, it is not. I still remember her "threat" on D-Day when she said "What if I were to go out and have an affair so that you can feel what I'm going through?" I answered her honestly and told her that I would not blame her if she did.
> 
> She has openly stated that she sees me working hard on myself and that she sees tremendous progress, which gives me additional motivation to get better and to shore up our marraige in light of the wreckage I've created. She is a fabulous woman and I really don't deserve her, but we have both commited to staying together...we're stuck with one another (we say that to each other in a loving way and a smile of course)...And I, for one, am completely OK with that.


Wrestling with your demons - not just stemming for infidelity is a tough task but worth it! A follow up question - how do you manage your triggers? Does your wife help you?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Do her triggers involve guilt, shame, self loathing?



Guilt and shame yes, self loathing no, she has actually excelled at noticing my pain and triggers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Guilt and shame yes, self loathing no, she has actually excelled at noticing my pain and triggers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does she trigger as often as you do?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> The reason I asked is I wonder how my WS fear a RA or that their spouse will find someone else v. the BS fearing their WS will cheat again. Sometimes fear of what you think will happen is actually worse than any reality.




Although I believe her cheating again is basically nonexistent, I cannot allow myself to think this way because she is capable. However I believe by her actions that she won't cheat again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Does she trigger as often as you do?



I mostly in the beginning never noticed if she were triggering or not, I was too wrapped up on my own self preservation. After I began to recognize her triggers she would trigger quite often but I don't believe it was to the extent that I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I mostly in the beginning never noticed if she were triggering or not, I was too wrapped up on my own self preservation. *After I began to recognize her triggers she would trigger quite often but I don't believe it was to the extent that I did.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok interesting observation..i wonder how often WS do trigger and if they are as intense as the BS's triggers. The BSs triggers are frequently discussed on TAM but the WSs triggers not so much. I hoe this thread can foster an extensive conversation on the triggers of remorseful WSs.


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## whiteviper (Aug 8, 2015)

Everyday, considering that fOW(EA) and i still work in the same place, i want to move but i'm under contract so there's nothing i can do about that. All i could do was changing my schedule to minimize our interaction. I try to steer away from cafeteria and some other places i used to visit with her. It's all just a bad memory how i turned into unreasonable whiny lying person to my wife, how i acted like a pathetic white knight to a damsel in distress who loves to bask in self pity. Risking what my wife and i had for nothing, just compliments and meaningless convos. They are all bad memory, i've always felt sick everytime i have flashback.

I didn't trigger or felt remorse until there was an actual possibility that my wife was about to left me. I treated her horribly and it stayed that way until i saw her crying in someone else's arms. She's more of the angry type, even at dday she did not cry, so after that i had always kept my guards up and flipped it back to her. At that moment i knew i hurt her so badly and that she was falling for someone else. I don't know which one is worse


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> One thing I think is in my favor and it gives me hope is that the feelings about myself (remorse, depression, guilt...name it..it runs the gamut) are also coupled with deep empathy for the BS in his/her story...I "feel" their pain deeply. So much so, that I want to reach out to them and express how I feel their pain and I want them to know that their are those of us who do feel it.


 MountainRunner, I want to thank you for having the courage to talk about your feelings . This has helped me a lot. It's something I needed to hear..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> My triggers cause pain, anxiousness, mind movies, and sadness. Hers are anxious and more panic then anything, no mind movies and some pain. Not to say she is emotionless but the triggers are much different then mine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H don't have mind movies, But he does have bad dreams sometimes of me leaving him or of catching me with another man. He has actually gotten up shaking & very emotional before after having the one of catching me cheating on him..


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

whiteviper said:


> Everyday, considering that fOW(EA) and i still work in the same place, i want to move but i'm under contract so there's nothing i can do about that. All i could do was changing my schedule to minimize our interaction. I try to steer away from cafeteria and some other places i used to visit with her. It's all just a bad memory how i turned into unreasonable whiny lying person to my wife, how i acted like a pathetic white knight to a damsel in distress who loves to bask in self pity. Risking what my wife and i had for nothing, just compliments and meaningless convos. They are all bad memory, i've always felt sick everytime i have flashback.
> 
> *I didn't trigger or felt remorse until there was an actual possibility that my wife was about to left me. I treated her horribly and it stayed that way until i saw her crying in someone else's arms. She's more of the angry type, even at dday she did not cry, so after that i had always kept my guards up and flipped it back to her. At that moment i knew i hurt her so badly and that she was falling for someone else. I don't know which one is worse*


Thank you so much for sharing and putting yourself out there. How often do you trigger now? What are the feelings? How do you manage them?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

whiteviper said:


> Everyday, considering that fOW(EA) and i still work in the same place, i want to move but i'm under contract so there's nothing i can do about that. All i could do was changing my schedule to minimize our interaction. I try to steer away from cafeteria and some other places i used to visit with her. It's all just a bad memory how i turned into unreasonable whiny lying person to my wife, how i acted like a pathetic white knight to a damsel in distress who loves to bask in self pity. Risking what my wife and i had for nothing, just compliments and meaningless convos. They are all bad memory, i've always felt sick everytime i have flashback.
> 
> I didn't trigger or felt remorse until there was an actual possibility that my wife was about to left me. I treated her horribly and it stayed that way until i saw her crying in someone else's arms. She's more of the angry type, even at dday she did not cry, so after that i had always kept my guards up and flipped it back to her. At that moment i knew i hurt her so badly and that she was falling for someone else. I don't know which one is worse



Thank you for this, my wife stated almost the very same, it helps a BS to see and hear from others their own ordeals. I hope you find peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> MountainRunner, I want to thank you for having the courage to talk about your feelings . This has helped me a lot. It's something I needed to hear..


 @Devastated an lost @MountainRunner I'm really glad to hear that. That is the point of this thread to really delve into what triggering means for the fWS. I think it helps to understand how the cope with what they have done and how they manage it while trying to help their BS heal. Those who are truly remorseful and do the heavy lifting deserve our support.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H don't have mind movies, *But he does have bad dreams sometimes of me leaving him or of catching me with another man. He has actually gotten up shaking & very emotional before after having the one of catching me cheating on him..*


I often wonder how often this causes the fWS to trigger.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> MountainRunner, I want to thank you for having the courage to talk about your feelings . This has helped me a lot. It's something I needed to hear..


You are more than welcome my friend. I'm glad you were able to take in some of the things I've said/experienced. I've often wondered if I, as a WS, would be able to contribute here on TAM, and I'm glad to have helped you in some small way. My best to you.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MountainRunner said:


> You are more than welcome my friend. I'm glad you were able to take in some of the things I've said/experienced. I've often wondered if I, as a WS, would be able to contribute here on TAM, and I'm glad to have helped you in some small way. My best to you.


Remorseful fWS always can contribute they have a lot to share...they can actually hep BSs here understand what their own Ws are up to and if the R is real...they can help BSs in a lot of ways...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I trigger, and it's been six years. I put that I trigger "rarely" but by that I mean that it's not daily or several times a day. @Truthseeker1, if you know anything about my history, then you know I was physically abused as a child, raped in college, and my first marriage was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive (tough start). So I have PTSD which I consider to be "under control" but not "cured"--make sense? I know what triggers feel like, and I'm aware enough to tell when I'm triggering. 

For me, it feels like I'm not longer in my present but rather in the past, reliving the past exactly how I felt in that traumatic moment. I'm not a person who tends to dwell on my past, so what happens is that there is some catalyst such as a smell, a song, a pattern, or even seeing something a certain way...and inside my head it feels like I very quickly black out of "present" and see "the past" out of my eyes AND I feel in my present body exactly the sensations I felt when it was occurring. 

So as an example, I might be at a sporting goods store with the kids picking up a baseball glove for them because they're trying out for Little League. And while I'm there, some little kid has a bat and swings it...about my eye level (I'm just 4 ft. 10in tall, so that's not so hard! LOL). Anyway, what I see out of the corner of my eye is something swinging toward me--I don't catch it all. And suddenly, I'm seeing my mom swinging the broomstick at me and inside my body I instantly feel EXTREME panic and adrenalin rush fear. I WANT to scream inside my head, and my heart races and adrenalin pumps through my veins. I want to RUN! It's like I'm 8yo and being hit by an adult. All this happens inside my head in a split second. 

On the exterior, I blink. I freeze. I take many deep breaths and walk back to the car so I can panic in private. I try to bring myself back to the present by using my senses: touch the steering wheel, smell the air, hear the birds or other cars driving by, see the trees and the leaves on the bush in front of me. Breathe. Tell myself it's the past and I'm an adult now. 

It's very similar thinking about the affair, although obviously not nearly so dire. Clearly I write here daily so I think about and speak about infidelity and adultery all the time, but for me the cost is that I never forget. Not that you'd want to "forget" but more like, I don't have days or weeks where "I don't' think about it." On the bad side, that means it's always in my face and I feel forever humbled. On the good side, I don't duck from thinking about it, I don't avoid it, and I've come to a place where I don't hurt just because I think about it. I think in a way it's like a callous. 

Regarding thinking about my affair, when I trigger, I usually feel fear--fear that my Dear Hubby will "have enough" and leave or that I'll find out he's cheating because I cheated or stuff like that. It's utterly, 100% NOT his nature though, so I know that is my fear talking and not reality talking. I also have mind movies almost every day of the day that I "saw" the hurt I was doing to him, and even to this day when he's so ill and whatnot, what overwhelms me is thinking "If it's the last thing I do, he will not have that face because of something I did!"

Finally, do I feel guilt? Have I "forgiven" myself? Well I absolutely do feel a deep-down sorrow for the way I behaved, but I don't think I feel guilt per se. I know he has forgiven me and I know God has forgiven me, so I think "hanging onto it" via feeling guilty is counter-productive. But I do feel sorrow, every day. And I think I more or less forgive myself--some days more than others. When I spend a lot of time thinking about it, I struggle more. When I spend time being present and enjoying what we have now and making plans for our future, I don't struggle as much with forgiving myself. I don't honestly "struggle" that much, but it is there from time to time, so in the big, overall picture I think I don't torture myself but I'll never forget.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> I trigger, and it's been six years. I put that I trigger "rarely" but by that I mean that it's not daily or several times a day. @Truthseeker1, if you know anything about my history, then you know I was physically abused as a child, raped in college, and my first marriage was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive (tough start). So I have PTSD which I consider to be "under control" but not "cured"--make sense? I know what triggers feel like, and I'm aware enough to tell when I'm triggering.
> 
> For me, it feels like I'm not longer in my present but rather in the past, reliving the past exactly how I felt in that traumatic moment. I'm not a person who tends to dwell on my past, so what happens is that there is some catalyst such as a smell, a song, a pattern, or even seeing something a certain way...and inside my head it feels like I very quickly black out of "present" and see "the past" out of my eyes AND I feel in my present body exactly the sensations I felt when it was occurring.
> 
> ...


 @Affaircare Thank you so much for sharing. I was hoping you would participate in this thread. your post was VERY informative . The mind movies are interesting in terms of how thinking of D-day and the aftermath is a trigger - as opposed to the mind movies of a BS who has visions of what he/she imagines has occurred.

Correct me if i'm wrong didnt your first husband cheat as well? If so - what is the difference that you see between the triggers of the BS as opposed to the WS? 

I would love for this thread to be a safe place to dissect and understand the psychological costs of infidelity on truly remorseful WSs. Thanks again!!


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I am a year out and I still see mind movies and have strong memories of their emails. I discovered my wife's affair when I did a system restore on our computer and found pictures and emails in a strange file. The pictures were of them having sex, video's of the om masturbating. The chats were of her describing her "cumming and squirting", how much she wanted to do oral on him, how great he as in bed and how much she wanted to *** him. She had the affair sporadically over 10 months in 2010-2011.

I have PTSD with all the attendant nightmares and flashbacks. Going by were the om lived will do it or to the cottage she was at when I found the file. Anything related with infidelity will do it. In a bad attack I see each of the 26 pictures, three videos of the om jerking off for her or remember large chunks of the 15 pages of chat about how good he was in bed, how it made her feel, and how much and how she couldn't wait to see him, *** him and do oral on him. Other times I feel it as impressions and its at the back of my mind constantly. Something else that sets me off is when she tries to correct me, criticize me or argues with the point that she knows it better. The sidewalks near where we live were laid down in 2010-2011. A song can set me off. To be honest, sometimes I don't know what sets me off.

I need to add that I have autism spectrum condition and adhd. My coping mechanisms growing up and at school involved a developed memory, observation and visual skills. Something funny is that because I lack a lot of the emotional reactions I don't really feel a lot. When I trigger its bad but most of the time I am flat. I don't have as many bad days but in the weeks after D-day I could explode in rages. That rarely happens now and I am holding my own.

Another factor is that at the time she had the affair I was deathly ill. I have no memory, except snip-its and flashes of that period. I never saw any signs or indications. Doctors were sure I would die. One of the reasons my wife had the affairs was that she lost her self in my illness and the om made her feel good.

Ironically he died, of a massive and painful heart attack , on his daughter's birthday. I guess it speaks to my lack of character that I get some grim pleasure that he died and I didn't

Please forgive me for the rant, It is coming up on the anniversary and I feel lousy. Yes I am in IC as is my wife, heavy duty MC but because medication kills my emotions, I am not taking any for depression.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

When I mention a certain topic, related to a suspected EA my W had, my W swallows hard, this never occurs otherwise.

Tamat


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> I am a year out and I still see mind movies and have strong memories of their emails. I discovered my wife's affair when I did a system restore on our computer and found pictures and emails in a strange file. The pictures were of them having sex, video's of the om masturbating. The chats were of her describing her "cumming and squirting", how much she wanted to do oral on him, how great he as in bed and how much she wanted to *** him. She had the affair sporadically over 10 months in 2010-2011.
> 
> I have PTSD with all the attendant nightmares and flashbacks. Going by were the om lived will do it or to the cottage she was at when I found the file. Anything related with infidelity will do it. In a bad attack I see each of the 26 pictures, three videos of the om jerking off for her or remember large chunks of the 15 pages of chat about how good he was in bed, how it made her feel, and how much and how she couldn't wait to see him, *** him and do oral on him. Other times I feel it as impressions and its at the back of my mind constantly. Something else that sets me off is when she tries to correct me, criticize me or argues with the point that she knows it better. The sidewalks near where we live were laid down in 2010-2011. A song can set me off. To be honest, sometimes I don't know what sets me off.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry for your situation does your WW have triggers? This thread pertains to the triggers of the fWSs


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> When I mention a certain topic, related to a suspected EA my W had, my W swallows hard, this never occurs otherwise.
> 
> Tamat


Do you notice any other triggers?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Affaircare Thank you so much for sharing. I was hoping you would participate in this thread. your post was VERY informative . The mind movies are interesting in terms of how thinking of D-day and the aftermath is a trigger - as opposed to the mind movies of a BS who has visions of what he/she imagines has occurred.


I agree. Speaking as someone who has been on both sides, the mind movies I had as a Loyal Spouse were more about HIM being with HER and what they did and how they kissed...I think what I was imagining it was like...things he did with her he wouldn't do with me and that type of mind movie. The mind movies I have as a Disloyal Spouse are much different. They are more about D-Day and/or about cringing when I remember what I did when ___ happened. Plus, my D-Day was kind of different than the typical one I think. I describe it as "seeing" my Dear Hubby. Before that day, for whatever reason, I knew he could tell I was distant, and I knew he hurt, but I didn't "see" it. Then, if you remember, I was going to the train to go meet the OM in person, and Dear Hubby found out I was going and literally came to the train and sat down and cried... and I SAW it. I saw the human being he was and the pain in his face and I couldn't do that to another human being, ya know? THAT is what I have mind movies about!! 



> Correct me if i'm wrong didn't your first husband cheat as well? If so - what is the difference that you see between the triggers of the BS as opposed to the WS?
> 
> I would love for this thread to be a safe place to dissect and understand the psychological costs of infidelity on truly remorseful WSs. Thanks again!!


Yep you're right. My exH was a serial cheater with no boundaries whatsoever, and just did not see that being unfaithful in a marriage was wrong. He had a lot of issues and the way he addressed EVERYTHING was to deny it, avoid it, and numb it -- pretend it's not happening and it will "go away'. Thus you can see how it would be fairly easy for such a person to "compartmentalize" infidelity. In this compartment, it's not happening.... 

Anyway, when I was a Loyal Spouse I was not NEARLY as mature or healthy as I am today. I didn't really have self-esteem at all. I didn't even recognize abuse because if he didn't ball up his fist and hit me and leave a bruise, it wasn't as bad as what I survived as a kid so it couldn't be abuse, right? LOL So my views and viewpoints have changed considerably since then. Primarily, when I was a Loyal Spouse, I just felt SO UNBELIEVABLY INADEQUATE...like if I had been a prettier or a better lover or something, he would have continued to be interested. And I think most of my mind movies involved reliving that feeling of loss in a variety of ways. 

As a Disloyal, I am much more healthy and this is why I don't utterly flay other Disloyals--even being pretty self-aware and mature, I STILL fell for it! So I take the general feeling that if I was informed and could still fall, I really have no place to look down my nose and someone who's not healthy, who's not mature, who's not informed...and who fell. Like it's not my place to judge, ya know? But I definitely DO think it is my place to say "Hey, been there, done that, and here's where you're going wrong or thinking faulty...and here's what you need to do to make it right".

But back on topic--as a Disloyal I usually mind movie much more about afterward. I obviously write here every day so the topic is on my mind. So part of me is constantly aware, constantly on my toes, constantly looking for "whoops this may be a slip, need to get back on track" kind of thinking. I also frequently think my Dear Hubby is waaaaaaaaaaay more forgiving than I am and forgives quicker, although we both tend to be "Once we forgive it's gone and as if it didn't happen." He does not hold it over my head or remind me--I do that to me for me. He doesn't tend to "police" me either but I think that's because I work at home and share EVERYTHING with him. Literally every word I think or write, he has access and I willingly and happily share it with him so he knows the real me and not some mask.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Truthseeker1,

You asked,* Do you notice any other triggers? *

Yes, when my W watches a TV program and this topic comes up she will stop what she is doing and pause. Then sometime later will give me a sincere kiss on the lips almost as a form of apology. This is also markedly in contrast to how she normally treats me, I suppose that the fires of passion being extinguished, her feelings of regret are more powerful for moments at a time . 

Tamat


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Truthseeker: I think so. There are roads she won't take that lead to where ***buddy lived or be in that part of town. When she is faced with her actions she has a guilt withdrawal reaction and my triggering can cause her to trigger. She is better with it than I am.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Truthseeker,

Me and my FWW are 6 years post DD. You know you will get limited response at TAM from WS, we do have a way of sometimes "beating em up", (shame really). Your question, while specific, is really part of a larger question that most BS seem to grapple with and search for, but never really find a straightforward, plausible, rational answer. 

*What was, is, and will the FWS thinking in relation to the affair(s)?*

I come to terms with it... simply, it will never make sense.

I digress, *back to WS triggers.*

At this stage in R, my wife will never speak to her affairs. We spent 2 years in IC and MC, re-hashed every aspect a million times over. Her only trigger... ME. If I get upset, throw it up in her face in an argument, down she goes, the guilt, the shame. It will be days before she returns to "normal". 

So there you are. The reality is it's always just below the surface. Just don't go there. If you trigger, best keep it to yourself.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> I agree. Speaking as someone who has been on both sides, the mind movies I had as a Loyal Spouse were more about HIM being with HER and what they did and how they kissed...I think what I was imagining it was like...things he did with her he wouldn't do with me and that type of mind movie. The mind movies I have as a Disloyal Spouse are much different. They are more about D-Day and/or about cringing when I remember what I did when ___ happened. Plus, my D-Day was kind of different than the typical one I think. I describe it as "seeing" my Dear Hubby. Before that day, for whatever reason, I knew he could tell I was distant, and I knew he hurt, but I didn't "see" it. Then, if you remember, I was going to the train to go meet the OM in person, and Dear Hubby found out I was going and literally came to the train and sat down and cried... and I SAW it. I saw the human being he was and the pain in his face and I couldn't do that to another human being, ya know? THAT is what I have mind movies about!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 @Affaircare Thank you for the thoughtful reply. What i seem to be seeing here is the "mind movies" of the fWS have more to do with picturing the devastation they've caused to someone they have vowed to live and cherish. Would you say your hubby triggers more, the same or not as often as you did after dday?

Another question, how does a fWS manage their triggers while at the same time help their BS heal?

Your posts are always chock full of good information. :smile2:


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

RWB said:


> Truthseeker,
> 
> Me and my FWW are 6 years post DD. You know you will get limited response at TAM from WS, we do have a way of sometimes "beating em up", (shame really). Your question, while specific, is really part of a larger question that most BS seem to grapple with and search for, but never really find a straightforward, plausible, rational answer.
> 
> ...


Does she ever trigger on her own? Shouldn't a couple in R help eachother with their triggers instead of avoiding them?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Truthseeker: I think so. There are roads she won't take that lead to where ***buddy lived or be in that part of town. When she is faced with her actions she has a guilt withdrawal reaction and my triggering can cause her to trigger. She is better with it than I am.


So here again we have a case many of the fWS's triggers being brought on by the BS trigger rather than independently. *Do other fWSs agree with this?
*
Her avoidance of certain parts of town seems similar to that of a BS who would avoide places, events that remind them of their spouses affair.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

RWB said:


> Truthseeker,
> 
> Me and my FWW are 6 years post DD. *You know you will get limited response at TAM from WS, we do have a way of sometimes "beating em up", (shame really*). Your question, while specific, is really part of a larger question that most BS seem to grapple with and search for, but never really find a straightforward, plausible, rational answer.
> 
> ...


This thread is about their triggers - nothing else - how can we all understand them if we don't discuss them? On this thread it's not about whether they deserve it or not but WHAT is it exactly they are feeling. I hope fWSs feel comfortable enough to share and help us all gain a deeper understanding. We ALL benefit from that. to those who would flame the fWS it only impedes us from gaining a further understanding of the fWSs triggers.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> ...What i seem to be seeing here is the "mind movies" of the fWS have more to do with picturing the devastation they've caused to someone they have vowed to live and cherish. Would you say your hubby triggers more, the same or not as often as you did after dday?


I trigger much more than he does, but I think that's partially due to our personalities. He is the kind of man who can let something go and really mean it. I "grew up" abused and sort of learned to trigger at a young age, so for me it is one of those ongoing things I'll probably always need to work on but that I face squarely enough that it's not a "daily struggle." Also Dear Hubby tends toward a "Thinker-Logic" style and I tend toward a "Feeler-Emotion" style; thankfully we are both learning from each other thought!



> Another question, how does a fWS manage their triggers while at the same time help their BS heal?


This is the $64million question, isn't it? For me, I dealt with the trigger by just doing what I had to do in order to get back into the present, and then dealt with Dear Hubby and his "whatever." Then if my trigger was serious, I'd return to it and think about it and talk about it and figure out what to do. We (Dear Hubby and I) have a practice of talking to each other about EVERYTHING and then reaching a conclusion together and then working the conclusion together. 

But for other couples, it's been my observation that the reason people cheat in the first place is often because they won't face their issues--they are *avoiding *something, usually about themselves. So after the affair, it's fairly rare that now, all-of-a-sudden, they'll become the kind of person who FACES what they were avoiding in the first place! Usually if they were an avoider before the affair, and they had the affair in order to avoid dealing with something, then after the affair, the chosen method of "dealing with it" will usually continue to be avoidance--avoiding the damage, avoiding their feelings, avoiding their spouse's feelings, avoiding the consequences.... 

I also wanted to address these two questions:



> Does she ever trigger on her own? Shouldn't a couple in R help each other with their triggers instead of avoiding them?


In my personal opinion they would, because in order to rebuild the relationship, they have to become a team again instead of being "enemies" or "combatants." So many marriages are set up so that HE is against SHE and they vie for power within the marriage, but to truly recover both have to have their own personal power, both have to recognize their spouse's personal power, and then both have to control themselves enough to say 'I'm in a MARRIAGE so whatever happens to me affects others. I will wait until my spouse and I are in agreement" and then the two are working WITH each other instead of against each other. 

Well in order to work WITH your spouse, you have to give them a place where it's safe to be honest and where you help them (not just expecting them to help you). Thus, as a Disloyal I think it would be imperative to not "put my feelings aside" bur rather to realize that I need to actively participate in fixing what I messed up. So first, that means he needs to say out loud, "Oh this or that is hurting me" and how can a person do that if they aren't' safe? Next, I need to FACE the mess and dive in somewhere and start doing something! And likewise, I do think it's just as powerful for me to allow Dear Hubby to see "This or that is hurting me" and let him see the True Me...and accept any help he is willing to jump in and offer. This is what rebuilds! 



> So here again we have a case many of the fWS's triggers being brought on by the BS trigger rather than independently. Do other fWSs agree with this?
> 
> Her avoidance of certain parts of town seems similar to that of a BS who would avoide places, events that remind them of their spouses affair.


Nope I don't agree with this. I do not trigger because Dear Hubby triggers. I trigger because of what is going on in my own head. BUT seeing Dear Hubby hurting or upset is hard to see; it's not a trigger though, just a deep sorrow to my heart. 

And as an example about avoidance, my affair was online and clearly you can see that I do not avoid the internet. But what I've done internally of my own accord was to say "Acting like THIS is too tempting or inappropriate or could too easily lead to trouble" and thus I set a personal boundary that I do not want to do that. I do not private message or private chat with any man on any forum because back in the day, I was PMing and chatting with people to whom I had no particular emotional connection, and it grew into admiration, and that grew into feelings. Now I have a personal boundary that anything I do online is IN PUBLIC and is wide open for my Dear Hubby to see or read any time. I don't message on Facebook. I don't chat on Messenger. And it's not "avoidance"--it's knowing my weak link and putting up hedges to protect myself and my marriage.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Truthseeker,

I agree triggers are involuntary, no one can wish them away for you, anymore than the memory of someones death, because at the moment of discovery both you and your spouse did die in a sense. 

Someone once wrote that you should try not to think of a polar bear, but that the horrible creature will pop into your mind no matter how much you try. So it is with affair triggers. 

When my W was praying for someone who had OM-1s first name, in spite of my Ws sincerity, what came to mind, OM-1! Which is fortunately not common.

Tamat


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