# Cold Feet Before Marriage



## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

I've been on this site browsing around for about six months now. My current relationship is on the downhill, although we are engaged but who knows how much longer it'll last. I'm not gonna go into too much detail but u can read some of my other posts if u want.

Anyways after reading over so many posts of people considering divorce or going through one, I was curious to see how many of you had cold feet or red flags before marriage that you chose to ignore. I just don't wanna end up one of like that so any stories or experiences would be appreciated. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just say no, dude.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Haven't seen your post yet, but if things aren't good now they will only get worse. People think marriage will fix things but they don't. Look at your history and imagine living with her the rest of your life. Not just the good things look at it all. Also look at how you solve problems do you work together 50/50 or does one of you give in and takes fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Look you posted this in another thread:



youngidiot said:


> I feel like there's a lot of resentment towards each other for being located away from family, a past cheating spisode(her), lack of sexual intimacy(had talk of little use), and of course other little things.
> 
> So as the title states* i had the I don't wanna get married talk or fight of a better phrase but she's in denial*. Been dating ten yrs now and the closer *its getting to the wedding the more I've been dreading it.*



Do not get married just for the same of getting married if you DO NOT WANT to get married.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

You're a physician, so obviously you're a very smart guy.

So forget about what your heart is saying for a moment. What does your brain say about the relationship?

I get the feeling that your primary driver in keeping the relationship going is to avoid having to deal with guilt. Am I right?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I would suggest reconsidering marriage. Once married, things can become messy especially if you already have issues with your fiance. Getting married can sometimes worsen bad situations.

Really think if this is the man (or woman) you want to spend each and every day with for the next 60 years.


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

GTdad said:


> You're a physician, so obviously you're a very smart guy.
> 
> So forget about what your heart is saying for a moment. What does your brain say about the relationship?
> 
> I get the feeling that you're primary driver in keeping the relationship going is to avoid having to deal with guilt. Am I right?


In all actuality I think she is the driving force trying to keep the relationship going. I keep pouring out my feelings of fear, past problems, and highly potential future ones but she keeps moving forward as if in denial. It's gotten to point that I've started questioning that maybe I'm the bad one for giving up. Now I just feel like a POS trapped in a ****ty situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

youngidiot said:


> In all actuality I think she is the driving force trying to keep the relationship going. I keep pouring out my feelings of fear, past problems, and highly potential future ones but she keeps moving forward as if in denial. It's gotten to point that I've started questioning that maybe I'm the bad one for giving up. Now I just feel like a POS trapped in a ****ty situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about you. What's keeping you there?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

10 years!!! If you are not sure now you will never be, stop wasting more time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

GTdad said:


> I'm not talking about her, I'm talking about you. What's keeping you there?


Guilt! We also work together so leaving wont be the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

youngidiot said:


> Guilt! We also work together so leaving wont be the end.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I figured. Guilt is not the basis of a life-long relationship. Nor is avoiding the awkwardness of seeing each other at work.

I'm trying to avoid saying something as cliche as "Man Up!", but that's what it amounts to: take charge of your fears, and make the right decision.

Do you think it would be fair to her, marrying her out of guilt and fear?


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Oh, honey, it is time to make a clean break before the waters get even muddier. Like others have said, if you're not happy now, why would either of you thing a contract and a wedding band will change that? It is SO much easier to end it now, as opposed to waiting until you're legally bound to one another when attorneys and potential maintenance come into the picture. Do both of you a favor, and walk away, Darlin'.

Mattsmom


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Wow

You've heard so much here and yet it seems you're still plowing head long into a relationshp that pretty much seems doomed from the start

Physician huh? Heal Thyself!

Sometimes the simpliest answer IS the best one. End it


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Well finally did it. Packed a bag and left last night. I know this is just the beginning of the breakup/separation so hoping to stay strong and hold my ground. I just hate this whole situation and Want to crawl in a hole. Any words of encouragement out there of how to get through this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you talk to her? Let her know what you're doing and why?

C


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

PBear said:


> Did you talk to her? Let her know what you're doing and why?
> 
> C


Of course. I'd already told her I didn't want to marry her several times over last few months but wasn't getting through to her. Only way way to show her that was serious was to move out. Again had to go through the painful explanation of why we shouldn't be together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

This is all just so upsetting. I'm gonna try my hardest not to cave and go back. I just wish she had some family around to help her through this. I do care about her and want us both to be happy.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You're doing the right thing and in your heart you know it. It just took you some time to muster up the strength to do it.

Look at it this way. You could have taken the coward's way out and just blindly followed her down the aisle and she'd be happy....for a while. Eventually, you'd realize that you wasted years of your life with someone who you truly didn't love and by that time who knows where you'd be? Children could have come along, making both of you happy for a while but eventually you'd realize that this is wrong for you and then you'd be hurting kids in the process too.

You need to focus on your work and any hobbies you may have. get out with friends and coworkers. Do not spend alot of time comforting her because that will simply draw you back in for the wrong reasons, like pity.

Be strong and keep posting!


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

I just can't stand feeling like this. I'm ok for a bit but she keeps calling texting and running into each other at work. I keep having to have the same conversation and hurt over and over again. It's like we both have this big gaping wound and I can't understand why she keeps rubbing salt in it. Why can't she just leave it alone and let the healing start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

First, I want to reiterate what others have said. You did the right thing. Period.

The next time that she approaches you for the same conversation, could you gently suggest that she speak with a psychologist to help her through? I'm sure that the hospital or clinic where you work has an EAP that she could take advantage of anonymously.

You have done what needed to be done. Her problems are now just that: her problems. You can make the suggestion, but it's her responsibility to act upon it. You made the right choice. Now it's time for her to do the same.

Stay strong,
Mattsmom


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## youngidiot (Jan 8, 2013)

Update on my situation. Since my split up on 5/18 it's been nothing but questioning by her if this is what I really want. To show her this was for real I moved up my vacation time and flew out to see family for almost last two weeks. It took her awhile to end her denial but eventually the calling and texting stopped. Eventually the texts turned into separating bills finances. By time I arrived home yesterday all her belongings were gone. While I know I'm making the right decision it's been awefull not knowing how she is doing or if she's safe. It's taken all I can not to call or text because if I do it gives her false hope. She's supposed to be heading back to her family in few weeks but I know I'm going to continue to worry until she does. I do care for her and wish her the best. Are these normal feelings to have after a breakup or is this a sign I'm making a mistake. Trying to stay strong!!
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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Manipulation has long strong arms, that's what you are feeling. You have done great keep it up, when tempted to call or text go work out.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

YI,

So far you're doing great.

Keep it up

It's not easy and I am sure you haven't heard the last from her but this is very necessary for both of you. Stay strong and keep posting


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Don't know if this will help or not. I have a cousin who lived with a woman for 10 years. He TOLD HER he didn't want to marry her. She kept hanging in there anyway. 

Eventually he moved out and moved 3-4 states away. Within 6 months, he met a new woman AND MARRIED HER! They've been married for over 25 years, have two GREAT kids and are REALLY HAPPY! She is a really wonderful woman and everyone loves her (even his mom and sisters who were determined to HATE HER because they felt sorry for gf of 10 years. New wife *IS* actually ALL THAT...and a slice of cake!)

If you're doing the right thing for YOU, then you're doing the right thing for you. It's not SELFISH, it's SENSIBLE. It's SANE. It's MATURE. You only have ONE LIFE TO LIVE, live it for YOU...not to conform to others' expectations!

*hugs*
SGW (I'm a mom, too.)


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