# How Often Do They Resurface?



## bloertcher (Aug 6, 2017)

Hello everyone,
My first post here or anywhere else for that matter.
My wife and I separated on May 24th of this year
We were a patchwork family,2nd marriage for both of us. I have a son who is 12,she has 2 daughters,8 and 11.
We were together 6 1/2 years,married for 4 1/2.
I will begin by saying that I was a drinker the entire relationship. I'm ashamed of that now,and have since gone to rehab and today marks 68 days of sobriety.
I had become irritable and cranky, I honestly think most women would have left a long time ago.
The evening she left we had a relatively mild disagreement,I wouldn't even call it a fight.She grabbed her daughters and left,hasn't communicated with me in any form since.The girls father has been absent for the majority of our relationship, and I raised them just as if they were biologically mine.
I never got to say goodbye,the kids didn't get to say goodbye to each other, and she didn't say anything to my son,just left.
She came to get all of their possessions while I was away at treatment,and has filed for divorce.
The divorce is cut and dry,she wants nothing but her car,no disputes there.
I have since learned that she moved straight from our home,and in with a guy she works with. Hence the reason she won't communicate,she doesn't think that I know the facts.
I'm not fighting anything in the divorce, I asked via attorneys if she'd consider counseling, and was told she wants no contact with me.
I'd like to add that even though I drank excessively, I was not abusive,very unpleasant but not abusive.
My question:I'm sure others have seen or experienced something similar.A female friend that I have spoken with about the situation tells me that the day will come that my wife will regret all of this and want to come back,especially since I have addressed my addiction and chosen to live a healthy lifestyle.She asked me what I'd do in that situation,which I can't currently answer. I'm not at a place emotionally to know what I'd do.
I'm honestly not seeing any further contact in my future, I have never seen my wife act this way.
How often do women regret these kinds of behavior, and when they do,how many of those women swallow their pride and reach out to the ex husband?
I'm sorry if this sounds desperate,I'm actually coping well all things considered. I'm just curious if anyone sees any contact in my future.
Thank you in advance for your input.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

You are in a similar situation to myself barr a few weeks, i have limited contact but i don't want her back, no way. You are different, f you want her back and she doesn't sound overly keen at the moment, you have to carry on with you not drinking and getting yourself healthy, maybe she will see you in a new light and god only knows how she'll react but self improvement is the best path for you, keep it up. Best of luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Nah, she won't have any regrets. You need to own this. You screwed up and she's gone. She probably was cheating on you for a while now, you just couldn't see it. You don't want a cheater back either way. This marriage needed to die.

Keep working on yourself and you'll fall in love again when the time is right. We learn from our mistakes, so hopefully you don't repeat.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It greatly sounds like you were her "Plan B," all while this friend from work was her "Plan A!"

Yeah, while was probably incensed at your lack of sobriety all along, she met someone who she connected with, and although the eventual moment of separation was somewhat weak, when it came around, she simply went for it! 

And please rest assured that there will never be any remorse on her part as she felt an overriding sense of entitlement in doing so! So sorry that you are having to go through all of this!

Meantime, I celebrate with you in your newfound sobriety and I wish you and your son all the best in the world! You will, in time, come to find a much better and caring woman who will truly love you for the man who you are!

Best of luck to you both!*


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm truly not trying to put you down or rub salt into your wounds or anything - just stating a reality. 

Alcoholism is a perfectly valid reason to divorce someone. She has nothing to regret and she has no reason to feel that her behavior was out of line. 

It's awesome that you have taken responsibility and have sought treatment and are currently sober. 

But that in no way, shape or form obligates her to have any future contact with you or to try to reconcile or anything. 

If she does turn up again at some point, that is her prerogative and you can cross that bridge when you get to it - But I would not encourage you to hold your breath.

Chalk this up as a harsh lesson and carry on with your own life. 

Commit yourself to a life of sobriety and self improvement and you very well may have a shot at a successful relationship with someone else, but I would consider her gone.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bloertcher said:


> I had become irritable and cranky, I honestly think most women would have left a long time ago.





bloertcher said:


> I'd like to add that even though I drank excessively, I was not abusive,very unpleasant but not abusive.


If most women would have left a long time ago, that would indicate a pattern of repeated, unacceptable behavior from you. Maybe you feel differently but I'd call that abuse. Just because you didn't hit her or assault her verbally doesn't mean you weren't abusive. My ex husband was incredibly abusive by his attitude toward me alone. Cranky doesnt begin to describe the outrageous and frequent put downs. It erodes all respect for your spouse. 

I think you need to see reality. She left for a reason. Took her kids with her for a reason. Filed for a reason. Moved in with another man for a reason. None of those reasons indicate she's going to contact you. They indicate the opposite. You were a drunk captain for what sounds like the entire relationship. Being a good father otherwise doesn't exonerate you from being a drunk one. She was likely in denial for a long time, hoping you'd come around on your own. 

Sometimes women do uncharacteristic things when they are truly done. I stopped all contact with my ex husband after I initiated divorce, and even though it was very amicable and I did not fight with him for anything, I got a ton of complaint from him about going all cold and uncaring, which was so unlike me. And it was. I was simply done. After 2 years of NC, my ex reached out wanting to rekindle contact because it'd been so long. I politely and diplomatically responded there was no purpose for further contact and to have a nice life. 

Learn from your mistakes and make a point to not repeat them in your next relationship.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bloertcher said:


> Hello everyone,
> My first post here or anywhere else for that matter.
> My wife and I separated on May 24th of this year
> We were a patchwork family,2nd marriage for both of us. I have a son who is 12,she has 2 daughters,8 and 11.
> ...


I am sorry you are here but tbh, being married to an alcoholic is no fun, I am married to a dry drunk, (sober 17 months). I have been to hell and back, so I think when you throw that into the mix, it is no surprise she left, it is also no surprise you only decided to do something about it when she left. 

Instead of worrying about her or the marriage now, best you focus on staying sober, attending AA, going to a counsellor to find out why you got hooked on alcohol in the first place. Rarely is alcohol the problem, there is usually an underlying issue that makes you drink, deal with that, become a better man and see what life brings you. YOu will need all the strenght you have for recovery.There is a good site SoberRecovery.com that may help you.


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## bloertcher (Aug 6, 2017)

I suppose that I set the wrong tone with my question.
I'm not setting around,waiting for her to return. I am active in recovery,fitness,activities with my son,hobbies,etc.
I'm not angry with my wife,like I said she put up with more than most would have.Sure it hurts, but I'm working hard to cope in a healthy fashion.
I just hadn't even considered the thought of her popping back up in the future until my friend brought it up.Given the roots of her current relationship,I know that the odds of it remaining a successful relationship are slim.But I didn't know if I should expect contact if it does fail.
Sadly,my wife is a very codependent person,her first husband was a drug addict,I am an alcoholic,in recovery now but an alcoholic nonetheless.And from my understanding the guy she's living with now has been in a lot of alcohol related trouble in the past.
I'm very remorseful of my past,but doing everything I can to make the best of my future,unfortunately her pattern seems to have remained consistent.
I wish her and her girls the best in the future.
Thank you for the input,exactly what I was looking for and that's prior experiences.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

bloertcher said:


> I suppose that I set the wrong tone with my question.
> I'm not setting around,waiting for her to return. I am active in recovery,fitness,activities with my son,hobbies,etc.
> I'm not angry with my wife,like I said she put up with more than most would have.Sure it hurts, but I'm working hard to cope in a healthy fashion.
> I just hadn't even considered the thought of her popping back up in the future until my friend brought it up.Given the roots of her current relationship,I know that the odds of it remaining a successful relationship are slim.But I didn't know if I should expect contact if it does fail.
> ...


Sorry to be blunt, and this is not a dig at you, but her choices in partners and the obvious pattern her choices hold is not your concern any longer. See in her choices the issues... Men that need rescuing and help beyond what she can give. It's up to you to help yourself. It's up to her to learn she needs to be with a man who doesn't have issues to overcome, or has overcome them already and had been stable for some years.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bloertcher said:


> I suppose that I set the wrong tone with my question.
> I'm not setting around,waiting for her to return. I am active in recovery,fitness,activities with my son,hobbies,etc.
> I'm not angry with my wife,like I said she put up with more than most would have.Sure it hurts, but I'm working hard to cope in a healthy fashion.
> I just hadn't even considered the thought of her popping back up in the future until my friend brought it up.Given the roots of her current relationship,I know that the odds of it remaining a successful relationship are slim.But I didn't know if I should expect contact if it does fail.
> ...


Here is kind of a bizarro irony. She was well within her right to leave you due to your alcoholism. 

And she has nothing to regret or any reason to return. 

But it sounds like she is no example of squared away individual either and sounds like her "picker" is broken. 

But that is probably another reason she likely will not be back. 

If you get yourself sober and healthy and squared away - she won't be into you. she only likes drunk dudes with problems. 

That is on her. 

And you were into her because she was codependent and into drunk dudes with problems. Once you are sober and squared away, you may not have any interest in her either. 

People are completely different individuals when they are addicted vs when they are sober. People that fell for the drunk, often aren't into the sober person that got cleaned up. And the people that the drunk liked when they were drunk, often doesn't appeal to them the sane once they are cleaned up. 

It's like hitting the "Reset" button. 

Work on you. Put your full focus and energies into getting cleaned up and functional as a healthy, squared away sober person and let her go. 

You have a whole new different life ahead of you. 

If years down the road you are all clean and sober and on the ball, and she has gotten herself all straightened out and squared away as well and your paths cross again and each of you falls for the new, squared away person that each of you has become - that would be kinda cool. I really am a softy and a romantic at heart and that would be a neat "rest of the story."

But I certainly would not plan on that or hold my breath for that or put anything on hold for that.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I have a similar story .Straight for over 4 years wife tells me she wants a separation and I crawled into the bottle and stayed for a couple of months...I finally say what I was doing to myself and crawled out of the bottle. It's been over a month and I'm not going back...Do a few AA meetings a week...think I have as much of a handle on this that an alcoholic can have...
Married 36+ years she left in April... in all honesty I don't want here back...last few years we were only roommates...we talked about it numerous times how we felt...we agreed to work on it...couple of days after are last heart to heart she left be it for what it Ignore now.
My main focus is trying to keep my house...I have a separate thread on it....

Keep your head up...I'm going to...unless I'm really wrong it's going to work out in the end.


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## bloertcher (Aug 6, 2017)

Sobriety is the best choice I ever made,by far.I'm really not struggling to stay sober,I've had my moments,such as when I discovered her affair,but I powered through it.
I can't really say that I want her back,but I sure miss the girls.They were 4 and 22 months when they came into my life,they are 8 and 11 now.
Some closure would be great,for both my son and myself,but it doesn't appear that we will ever get it.
The thing I would say to anyone struggling with addiction,is that we can only control ourselves.No matter what someone else is doing,all we can do is our best for ourselves,the rest God will deal with.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

I went through something similar. I drank the entire time through my 21 year relationship, married for almost ten. I was never abusive either, but definitely cranky at times at the lack of intimacy and the stupid ass **** my wife would do on a regular basis. I never once put her down, cakes her stupid or anything like that. She had an affair I discovered, and when I approached her about it (very angrily), she said she wasn't in love with me anymore and that she wanted a Divorce. Worst day of my life by far- I stopped drinking that day when I could have just went binging and checked myself into a 28 day inpatient rehab- been sober over 4 months now. At this point I don't want her back, and I've made strides in my personal life that I never thought possible. I went from 29% BMI to my current 17% with a lot of excercise and help from a personal trainer- and I am not close to being done. I am getting ripped and feel really good about myself for the first time in 21 years. I recommend the same to you, the testosterone and dopamine from working out is the best high I've ever experienced.

I have 3 kids, have been separated for a few months and turned my life around in that time. I had the same thought as you "will she come back?". To be honest, at this point I am content raising my kids and fixing myself. I neglected myself for many years to take care of my family and now it's my turn.

She ain't coming back, and you shouldn't want her back. I don't care how much you drank- it's never an excuse to have an affair, she's simply broken and you can't fix broken. I thought I was my wife's white knight in shining armour, as she's always had mental problems but now I've seen the light.

Good luck man


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