# Trying to gain a different perspective...



## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

I am new but have stalked on this board for a few months. I really would appreciate advice, guidance and generally another person's perspective on things to see if I am crazy.

Married for 10 yrs with two kids under 15. For the past 4-5 years W stopped taking care of kids (sporadic), does not lift a finger to clean house, does not work and suffers from IBS. I have been quite content in the past to do all that I can to help out, but recently something happened that concerned me. For the past two years, there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and she sleeps ALL the time. I work from home, so I have all kinds of free time to do things but all she does is sleep! So to me I have been living in a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition. 

This past year a male friend of hers was charged with a crime and she changed so much. She cried for him, talked to me about how wrong it was for him, went to court to support him, etc. She got so upset about it she started to lose her friends over defending this guy. He was a coach that taught one of my kids, so I knew of him. Anyway, after a few months of this he was convicted and she wrote a letter to judge to be easy on him. She would off/on cry but then, she deleted her fb account, deleted emails and purged her internet history (things she normally would not do). 

She was going to visit him in jail last month but I do not believe she did..who knows...but she was distraught over the entire situation. Please remember she has not shown me any signs of life for a few years, so this was a stark contrast in behavior and it was all of a sudden. A friend of mine really brought the contrast to my attention and of course I started thinking...:scratchhead:

Does it sound like there was an EA or signs of PA?

Thank you for any help.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Sounds like depression to me. The sleeping, failing to care for the kids... and now she seems to have latched onto something and will do so to her detriment.

I suggest not a counselor, but a PhD psychologist to meet and talk with the both of you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She would off/on cry but then, she deleted her fb account, deleted emails and purged her internet history (things she normally would not do).


She removed most of the evidence..Find what you can from the rest of it. Install a keylogger on the home computer. check her phone records. Something shady might be going on. 

What phone does she have?


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

iPhone. I have checked things as far back and don't find anything out of the norm. She has been checked for depression and its not there. After all this, I because more observant of things and about 4 weeks ago she questioned me asking "Would I be honest with her if I was having an affair?" All the signs, plus my gut, tell me that she checked out of our marriage some time ago. From everything I have witnessed from a behavior standpoint, she shows all the classic signs of the big A.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she has an Iphone the deleted texts can be retrieved.

Did yu ask her why she asked you about cheating? Cheaters often think their partner is cheating.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

I have to get a SIMM reader first  But I plan on doing that.

She said I had changed and I was not passive anymore, I was more aggressive now. I could not believe she would ask me that so I told her that. Then I asked her but did not get a straight answer...in my opinion.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I see indicators. You need to keep digging. If you sync her iPhone to your computer you can get the texts that way too.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> iPhone. I have checked things as far back and don't find anything out of the norm. She has been checked for depression and its not there. After all this, I because more observant of things and about 4 weeks ago she questioned me asking "Would I be honest with her if I was having an affair?" All the signs, plus my gut, tell me that she checked out of our marriage some time ago. From everything I have witnessed from a behavior standpoint, she shows all the classic signs of the big A.



This maybe her projecting her cheating on you. Did you question her on her recent behavior ?

Make sure she does not find this thread.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

Other things too have occurred, her friends seem to have distanced themselves from me over the past few months as well. She lost a lot of them during this emotional time for her, but her three closest are staying far away from me. I have probed a little but she says there is an elephant in the room that no one seems to want to discuss.

The other thing is that one of her closest friends appears to be instigating things by feeding her thoughts about me. I found out from the husband of the friend that mine has been confiding in her that she thinks I am doing what she is accusing me of...which is complete bull.

Im just trying to gauge if others outside my bubble seem to think this is suspicious behavior or if I am just paranoid....

I really do appreciate any thoughts...


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

sandc said:


> I see indicators. You need to keep digging. If you sync her iPhone to your computer you can get the texts that way too.


Even deleted ones from the past?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Odd. Even if she has had an EA with this guy her behavior is strange. Still seems like some sort of emotional or mental illness to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> Even deleted ones from the past?


iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She distanced herself from you and your kids and you did all the chores and babysitting without questioning her about her problem. Really? 

Why you put up with her this behavior?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> Other things too have occurred, *her friends *seem to have distanced themselves from me over the past few months as well. She lost a lot of them during this emotional time for her, but *her three closest* are staying far away from me. I have probed a little but she says there is an elephant in the room that no one seems to want to discuss.
> 
> The other thing is that *one of her closest frien*ds appears to be instigating things by feeding her thoughts about me. I found out from the husband of the friend that mine has been confiding in her that she thinks I am doing what she is accusing me of...which is complete bull.
> 
> ...


The way you describe her in your original post leaves us with two impressions: Either she may be mentally unbalanced or she may have cheated. If she sleeps "all the time" how does she even have time to keep up with friends? Is "all the time" 18 hours a day? 14? 12? 8? And you say she has seen a doctor, who has told her she is NOT clinically depressed? So in my opinion your initial post is a little misleading, because she has time to spend hours discussing your relationship with multiple toxic friends, just not for cleaning the house. Having three "closest" friends must take a lot of time. How many "friends" did she have? Assuming you're not talking about phony Facebook friends.

*But to answer your question, it is a big red flag that she is so concerned about this guy that no one else really is that concerned about and it is a big red flag that she did not tell you directly that she is not cheating when asked. You are not crazy for suspecting the something is amiss and that it possibly could be cheating.

Why does she say she was so distraught over this particular guy? She believes he is innocent? She would feel the same about any friend or acquaintance that was in trouble?

Also, regarding your question to her about whether or not she was cheating, did you push her for a "yes" or "no" answer? If not, why not? "Are you cheating on me, yes or no?" If she doesn't answer that question with "no," then you have a lot to worry about.* 

_Married for 10 yrs with two kids under 15. For the past 4-5 years W stopped taking care of kids (sporadic), *does not lift a finger to clean house, does not work *and suffers from IBS. I have been quite content in the past to do all that I can to help out, but recently something happened that concerned me. For the past two years, there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and *she sleeps ALL the time*. I work from home, so I have all kinds of free time to do things but *all she does is sleep!* So to me I have been living in a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition. 

This past year *a male friend of hers *was charged with a crime and she changed so much. She cried for him, talked to me about how wrong it was for him, went to court to support him, etc. She got so upset about it *she started to lose her friends* over defending this guy. He was a coach that taught one of my kids, so I knew of him. Anyway, after a few months of this he was convicted and she wrote a letter to judge to be easy on him. She would off/on cry but then, she *deleted her fb account, deleted emails and purged her internet history* (things she normally would not do). 

She was going to visit him in jail last month but I do not believe she did..who knows...but she was *distraught* over the entire situation. Please remember she has not shown me any signs of life for a few years, so this was a stark contrast in behavior and it was all of a sudden. A friend of mine really brought the contrast to my attention and of course I started thinking...

Does it sound like there was an EA or signs of PA?_​


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Its an EA/PA and now she is acting like the DA. Yes the signs and likely hood of the affair is there. Your gut already told you this. Question is what do you want to do?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

What type of e-mail account does she have? 

If it's non internet based (Window's mail, Outlook) there's an excellent chance you can recover her deleted e-mails, which will probably include any Facebook messages to her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So she hide in her bed, under her covers texting this convict, now that the convict is caught and she can no longer have contact she goes nuts, then she starts to project her own action on you. In addition she starts to tell lies about you to justify her affair so her friends think your the POS while the real POS sits in jail.

Investigate, there is something up, mothers just don't stop caring for there babies, unless there is a strong influence that pulls the mother away.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) under her bed, that seems to be here place of refuge, also plant one in her car.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

Quick update after additional observations...(thank you for your continued wisdom).


She is talking to her girl friends (which want nothing to do with me anymore). She is deleting the conversations and leaving her phone out in the car all the time. I know the code and check it, but sms is getting deleted. One of her friends husband text me to ask if things are ok and his wife is worried? He is the same person that told me that her behavior was not right with the jailbird.

She plays games on ipad ALL the time. I have checked everything ...no incriminating sms, no emails, no hidden emails BUT she is deleting her sms, browser history, and uses my daughters fb account. Again no evidence but really really strange behavior...


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> I am new but have stalked on this board for a few months. I really would appreciate advice, guidance and generally another person's perspective on things to see if I am crazy.
> 
> Married for 10 yrs with two kids under 15. For the past 4-5 years W stopped taking care of kids (sporadic), does not lift a finger to clean house, does not work and suffers from IBS. I have been quite content in the past to do all that I can to help out, but recently something happened that concerned me. For the past two years, there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and she sleeps ALL the time. I work from home, so I have all kinds of free time to do things but all she does is sleep! So to me I have been living in a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition.
> 
> ...


It's been my experience that, unless we're talking about a dyed-in-the-wool cold fish, woman are creatures of emotion. If that description doesn't fit your wife (and her behavior toward her 'friend's' incarceration seems to weigh against it), and your wife wasn't being emotional with you, she was being emotional with *someone else*. Bank on it. Generally, women tend to be emotionally monogamous, even when engaging in an affair (whether emotional or physical). There is an act of transference where, in essense, the OM becomes the husband. He is loved, missed, doted upon by the WW. That is why they act cold and aloof from their BS. I've heard it several times that, when in the fog, the WW will actually imagine they are having sex to the OM while in bed with the BS, just to emotionally stomach the act.

I'm sorry, but falling into depression because a friend goes to jail is absurd. Depression is, by definition, an emotional reaction to loss. Loss cannot be felt for something that you did not emotionally possess to begin with.

Best of luck, mate.

-JM


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> Quick update after additional observations...(thank you for your continued wisdom).
> 
> 
> She is talking to her girl friends (which want nothing to do with me anymore). She is deleting the conversations and leaving her phone out in the car all the time. I know the code and check it, but sms is getting deleted. One of her friends husband text me to ask if things are ok and his wife is worried? He is the same person that told me that her behavior was not right with the jailbird.
> ...


Dear WTHISTHIS?,

You seem like an incredibly passive guy. Your W disengages from her marriage and family _"for the past 4-5 years"_ and you are _"quite content"_ to do her work for her. For two years _"there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and she sleeps ALL the time"_ and you only now start to think someone is wrong. You are content to live in _"a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition."_ She spends all of her time playing games and worrying about a friend who is a criminal and your response is to send a note to TAM. You don't even know if she is visiting him in jail or not. You let her hang out with a bunch of friends who want nothing to do with you and who bad mouth you behind your back. All this happens and your response is, _"Im just trying to gauge if others outside my bubble seem to think this is suspicious behavior or if I am just paranoid...."_

Your wife is fvcking up your life and your kids' lives and you do nothing about it other than to ask strangers on TAM if something might be wrong with your marriage! What's wrong with you? Are you on drugs or something? Have you been lobotomized?

Grow up and grow a pair. Tell your loser wife that you've had it with her and file for divorce. Disengage from her emotionally and, to the extent possible, physically. That will either snap her out of her narcissistic fantasy or tell you once and for all that your marriage is hopeless.

Then start working out, focus on your job and kids, make some new friends and start having some fun. GET A LIFE.

Or just keep doing what your doing (which is nothing) and end up a lonely, miserable shell of a man for whom his wife, kids, colleagues and neighbors have no respect.

Your choice.

Sorry to be so harsh but you asked and someone needed to tell you the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you put a VAR in her car?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear WTHISTHIS?,
> 
> You seem like an incredibly passive guy. Your W disengages from her marriage and family _"for the past 4-5 years"_ and you are _"quite content"_ to do her work for her. For two years _"there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and she sleeps ALL the time"_ and you only now start to think someone is wrong. You are content to live in _"a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition."_ She spends all of her time playing games and worrying about a friend who is a criminal and your response is to send a note to TAM. You don't even know if she is visiting him in jail or not. You let her hang out with a bunch of friends who want nothing to do with you and who bad mouth you behind your back. All this happens and your response is, _"Im just trying to gauge if others outside my bubble seem to think this is suspicious behavior or if I am just paranoid...."_
> 
> ...


And to add one more thing to what Carmen said... 

Give up the weed.


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