# well I guess it's done



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years, 2 grown sons.
He has been a good provider but not great on the emotional support side of things....he always says all the right things but his actions don't always match his words. I've let his lack of connection go a lot, you know busy raising kids, living life....a lot of things in the marriage were good. Well the kids are away at school now and I've had time to reflect what we really are to one another...and what kind of relationship I want from this union. I have decided that maybe it was time to say to him it wasn't enough for me and that I needed more that just a working relationship, all parts of our marriage suffered, communication, sex. He never really made any effort to listen and change and he says the same about me....I was the only one bringing up any kind of conversation about trying to fix things.....after a while he just viewed it as me *****ing about what I want....
He had pretty much cut me out in every part of our lives, he only talks about the kids the weather, work everything but us and our marriage, he has asked me to leave the bedroom and pretty much lives his life without me. I have asked him many times to reconsider his choices, he only blames me. I seem to be the only one hopeful although I don't know why I am...I'm a type of person that takes a marriage vow serious and always thinks that anything can be worked out with a little converstation and effort.

I know that in his mind he feels the marriage is over, but he has not left and continues to live in the house and has played a role with everyone else that our lives are normal....I'm not sure why it is that he can't seem to make his move.

A couple of days ago I had a man contact me and tell me his wife and my husband have been texting each other, 3000 over a 3 month period, I asked my husband about it, didn't know this was happening, he told me he was involved with this woman but not sexually, but he has kissed her...

This was devasating for me I believe that if you move on to someone else you should end the marriage first....which I thought he was doing....not something that I have wanted but trying to accept his decision.....now this......

I would appreciate any help trying to cope with this situation...I want him out, how long did the rest of you have to live through something like this? I guess I just need a shoulder to cry on and typing my story does help a little......thanks


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

My situation - been coping with this since the first week of October. I am the husband and my wife is cheating on me (kissed the OM), texting 100s of times every week, etc. However, she's the one who filed for divorce and then acted like the paperwork gave her freedom to do whatever she wanted.

I can totally empathize with you and I'm sorry you are going through this too. We have been together for a long time as well. I just cannot seem to get over being mr. nice guy and having her use me emotionally over and over again.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

HI, I feel for you, my husband also just told me 2 weeks ago he wanted out, and that he is in love with someone else, they have not had sex, but emotionally and hand holding etc etc. I also wish he had ended before cheating.
It has been a tough 2 weeks, be prepared for all kinds of emotions, then one day you seem fine, the next a wreck.
We have 2 young kids 6 and 4, and still need to tell them, that is my dlilema at the moment.
All I can say to you, it seems to be one thing after the next, something always comes up that has to be dealt with etc.
You will not beable to get him off your mind.
I know this is not helping, but I think if you know what to expect, you might handle it a little better.
The best thing you can do, is not to vent any anger at him, rather just come on this site and let rip.
Showing him your emotions does not help at all, it is a waste of time.
It is scary, that is no lie.
Can I ask a personal question, you did not seem very happy in the marriage, why do you want to hold onto that, if he is not willing to give a bit in this marriage then why?
The reason for asking because with me, I realised I was not 100% happy either, but by him breaking it off, it dawned on me, I was angry at how it was done, the cheating etc, I was also scared for my future, scared of being alone.
Do you really believe that your love for this man is genuine, and you can make a very happy marriage? 
Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
It is going to be tough, but this site will help, like it has helped me.
Take care


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi, thanks for the responses, 

Help, I think because of all the years invested it's tough to take and accept that he has moved on with someone else, having an affair is just not something that I can believe he is capable of, he always has spoken about situations like this as being wrong. He has always said that people who step out are selfish(I wonder if he thinks this of himself now) I've been described as the nice girl myself and I always consider the other side of the story and I'm one who worries if everyone else is okay emotionally......I do think I need to stop that and start making my decisions only for myself......he has moved on but it is so hard to let go of our lives.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Nanook, let me first say I'm sorry for your pain and what you are dealing with, you have small children. Mine kids are men now, 20 and 22 I have not yet spoken to them although they both know that things aren't right between us. That will be a tough one we have been a family that does a lot of things together, movies, golfing together we had a great lifestyle together......
You are right about my feelings in this relationship, I really wasn't having my needs met, it was like 50% and I guess I settled for that for a lot of years, my husband has a lot of good qualities that seem to be the reasons I accepted the lack of connection, he has never been able to have a close connection with me or anyone for that matter he is like a friend you do stuff with, nice but only connected to certain level.
My logical side understand this, but my emotionally side never seems to be in the same place, I'm hurt and angry by all this and I'm disappointed that he was just willing to let things go wrong without trying to fix anything.....It's like he just blocked out any problems went on with his life and he does not seem to have any remorse, it's just business as usually for him. 
I'm 53 in good shape, attractive and always been a positive, hopefully person, I take care of everyones needs and I make sure the kids feel important and loved....I tried to understand that he was the type of person he was but it was very hard many times when I felt the disconnect....I'm having difficulty letting go and I'm not sure why, My feelings are all over the place, maybe I will visit the site often as I am finding it hard to deal with my anger towards him and the OW....can't believe this how it will end with this kind of disrespectful act....I know it was over logically but I didn't expect this, it's hurtful enough to end a realationship why does this have to be added to it...we had already decided that he wanted out and we were moving towards that, he couldn't just have focused on that and then moved out and had a new relationship. It's like I didn't know him at all, I also know the woman, someone he works with.....she is married as well, her husband has kicked her out already, she has 2 kids as well, one went with her the other stayed with the husband, now 2 families are going thru so much pain for what? How do you get over the rambling feelings, the anger, the pain the disappointment......I would love to hear how everyone is coping and understanding how things went so wrong.........I hope today is a better one for you and that you can focus on your little ones, they are a gift and they should be protected at all costs......just like my husband your spouse has made their decisions and they will have to live with all that brings to them......be strong and if you want to post i would love to listen and help if possible.....this is my nature


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Same with me, My husband is a very good person, but as a married couple, we went wrong, deep down I knew, and yes it was a shock when he told me.
Trust me your emotions are all normal, you will hate feeling like this, and have no control of yourself. and the fact there is the OW, makes it doubly hard.
I felt like a zombie for days, did not go to the gym, or public areas, because for no reason I would just start crying.
It is a terrible feeling, I tried keeping busy like everyone says, it helps a TINY bit, but while running or this or that, you still think of situation.
Time is what you need, do not fight these emotions, lock yourself in the room and cry till you can not cry anymore, let us read about your hurt and anger. Dont keep anything to yourself. I kept a diary on everything, so when I could not sleep, I wrote, just get your emotions out.
I think that is what helped me heal so quickly and just come to accept it. Dont get me wrong, I hate seeing happy couples together now. So I am not fully healed, I still think of a few things. But all that horrible emotion you want to get rid of , does go eventually. 
Also depends alot on what kind of person you are, on how quickly you heal. I have never dwelled on things, bad things happen I accept and move on etc, that is why when I could not get over this as quickly as I wanted to, it shocked me, I felt weak. But realised I had to go through it all, to totally accept it.
I hope you feel well today.
Keep me updated


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Jesi. Just letting u know how sorry I am for you. My h told me oct15th he didnt love me anymore. Withdrew all affection. Complete withdrawl. I find out two weeks later its worse hes cheating. Its absoulte torture and horrible emotional rollar coaster. He doesnt want couseling or anything after 17 years. My emotions range from complete pity and crying to down right rage. I wish you all the luck in dealing with this. Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself a little bit. You dont deserve any of this. Nobody does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

noideato20, 
thanks for the support and understanding, I totally get the pain you feel and I feel the same, sometimes I feel calm and then other times I feel filled with rage......I know I need to accept it's over but I guess that will take time, I think for me it will be better when he actually moves out, out of sight out of mind....I think we can all handle a break up of a marriage but it's another thing when there is someone taking our place......it's such a blow to our egos and such pressure on our hearts, I'm going to keep venting and taking little steps to move forward......hopefully I won't do anything stupid......sometimes I don't even seem like myself......


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

You will loose a bit of who you are at this time, but it is fine, it is temporary, hopefully. I would go balistic, and then afterwards think, who was that, I did not recognise her.
That is the worse part, just the way you put it, someone is taking your place. That is the part that hurts the most. And the longest to get over.
Hang in there Jessi, and dont do anything stupid, well at least try not to. If you do, temporary insanity.
Take care


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