# Husband diagnosed with cancer and I want a divorce



## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

My husband and I haven’t been married long. We will make 2 years this September. Been together 4 years total. Since we got married, he has threatened me with divorce 4 times. I was petrified and couldn’t bare to lose him. But the last time he said “divorce,” I had enough of it. Especially because my mom was sent home on hospice care the day he “wanted a divorce” again. He put it on the back burner bc he knew I was going through a lot with my mom..long story short, I knew going through the loss of my mom and my marriage was too much for me to handle at once, so I didn’t push the issue either. 2 months went by and I had hardly no support from him taking care of my mom. I was so hurt and bitter about it and I knew once I took some time to grieve, I would tell him I’m also ready for the divorce. He didn’t agree with my mom passing away at home and wanted her to be in a hospice care facility. We had many disagreements about that..and it was hard feeling like I was going it alone. My mom passed away April 23. By June 8, I called my lawyer, reviewed a prenup I signed only to discover he had it worded in such a way that my separate property would be half his if we can’t agree on an amount he contributed to it. He is worth 15 million. I’m worth a little less than 1. I brought this up to him and told him I needed the prenup FIXED ASAP. He refuses. I told him I want a divorce. A week a later, not even, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. I’m torn. I can’t help but wonder if this is karma for him not being supportive when my mom was just going through stage 4 cancer and all she wanted was to pass at home. I gave her that wish and he and I would fight about it nonstop. He told me I was being selfish and putting her before him and complained bc I slept at her home a lot and wasn’t making time for him. But now I’m expected to drop everything for him? I went out on fmla leave with work for the duration of her treatments and hospice care. He kept asking me when I was going back to work. Now miraculously, he doesn’t ask bc I take him to all his appointments! And I will be expected to take him to treatments and be there for him..when we wasn’t there for me or my mom when she was passing. He finally came through when she had 3 days left. He finally slept over with me and he was there when she passed..but for months before hand her was going it alone and felt zero support. We were not at all expecting a cancer diagnosis..the doctors thought he had really bad acid reflux. Now I feel stuck taking care of him and that sounds terrible but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to do. The right thing to do would be stick it out “through thick and thin.” And then I’m DONE but I can’t shake this resentment! I feel bad for him and I just keep telling myself we put divorce on the back burner when my mom went into hospice so I’m going to put it on the back burner now to return the favor. Does that seem right/fair? Looking for advice!! I am so torn. I don’t want to see him suffer or go through chemo and surgery. I just lost my mom to this disease. But he is also is such a crappy mood and we are bickering over everything! We were LITERALLY just about the part ways and then we get this diagnosis!?? How does this happen


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## mac6671 (May 20, 2021)

As a male I will say that a lot of men would have behaved the same as your man. Men are selfish creatures. I would have fully supported you right up to the dying in my house. He should have stayed with you more and helped you cope. 
Very selfish and the whole game with the divorce threats. Juvenile. 
That all being said I would hope you could rise above his crap and help take care of him. I myself could not leave anyone you is battling a terrible sickness. Esophageal cancer is no joke. Always try to be a better person cause you feel it in your heart. To do it because you may feel your karma needs a boost is the wrong reason. There has to be a tiny bit of love left. Just be the better person the world needs better people and people that care about others. It will be hard but you may learn some nice things about yourself and maybe even him. 
Good luck to you both. 


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If it looks terminal then stay married and take his money. If not just get the divorce.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you have the benefit of counsel before signing the prenup? If not, the prenup may not be valid. How did he contribute to your separate property before marriage?

You haven't said anything about loving your husband. Do you?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nmgeo said:


> The right thing to do would be stick it out “through thick and thin.”


This is what you promised to do in your wedding vows, no?

There is no honorable way out of marriage, unless it is related to egregious behavior on the part of your spouse. Selfishness, unless carried to an extreme level, like in abandonment, adultery, physical violence, etc. are the limited cases focused upon by our divorce laws. 

What you did while taking care of your mom was construed as abandonment by your selfish husband. I have to admit that my feelings were torn when my wife quit her job to take care of our daughter during her battle with cancer. However, the overriding factor in my mind was that I loved our daughter as much as I loved my wife. I wanted our daughter to receive the good care, even though my wife essentially lived at our daughter's house and hospice for months. I also have to admit that my resentments would have been more difficult to ignore if it was my wife's mother. Simply because I had no "bond" to my MIL.



nmgeo said:


> I can’t help but wonder if this is karma for him


No. It is not. Cancer is a disease which is common to all people in all families. It is part of our human condition. My beautiful daughter, my morally-upright, loving son who became precisely that to his wife, are both now at home with God due to it. I can assure you, neither of them ever did anything which qualified them to receive it. My son at 17, my daughter at 36.

I am so thankful that I didn't stop, or hinder, my wife from providing care to our daughter. Our son lived 2000 miles away, but he had a tender wife who was there for him. His death actually came from the weakened heart and lungs he was left with by chemotherapy and radiation 26 years before his death.



nmgeo said:


> Looking for advice!!


Ok. This is mine. Divorce is not an option. Stick it out. I am not allowed to "preach" on here. But I believe there is a just reward for your unselfishness. I received mine.....
Your "doing what is right" will pay greater dividends, going forward, than the relief you will feel temporarily. My reward is far greater today than any I would have gotten by cajoling my wife into staying with me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You both were ready for divorce and had started the process. See him through his treatments, then proceed with the divorce.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm with @Livvie.

@nmgeo, treat others as they would have treated you. Ask yourself "would he stick around and help me if the shoe was on the other foot?" and proceed in kind.

If this was happening to me and the answer was No, then I would file for legal separation (get it on record that your intention is to divorce) then see my soon to be ex-husband through the INITIAL, traditional treatments, not to exceed 6 months. If he chooses to slow play cancer treatment with holistic medicine (keto diet, infrared light, meditation, etc ) then I would file for divorce immediately and let his next of kin deal with it.

It's a dog eat dog world out there and your husband knows that based on the fact that he could quote the prenup.

I think your actions should represent your heart. Don't act out of guilt.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Did you have the benefit of counsel before signing the prenup? If not, the prenup may not be valid. How did he contribute to your separate property before marriage?
> 
> You haven't said anything about loving your husband. Do you?


He offered to pay for me to go see a lawyer bc at that time I was struggling financially and idiot me out of stubbornness I refused to take his money. Instead I went to my moms best friend’s husband who happened to be a lawyer and he walked me through the prenup for free. He is an immigration lawyer so looking back I feel foolish for doing that. But I trusted him. I also trusted my husband and didn’t think he would ask for a portion of my home under any circumstances. He before we were married, tried to help me fix a leak I was having in the basement. My husband is in construction and owns a business. He told me before we were married, not to worry he wanted to help me fix it. I was hesitant and told him it was OK I would do it on my own but he insisted. He told me he had a friend of a friend who wrote him a favor (owed him money) and the job would get done. This “friend of a friend“ went to my family home and digged out The perimeter of the house and left it like that for several months before going back to finish the job. Literally, if you go on Google earth you can see photos of my home in shambles with dirt dug up for months! My mom was living in the home at the time and she would constantly complain and ask when they will go to finish the job because we had no front steps anymore. They removed the front steps and created a makeshift mailbox very far from the front door. Being that my mom was sick at the time, it was a huge inconvenience. I realize looking back now, the work was completed a couple months after we were legally married. And I look back and can’t help but wonder if this was done intentionally so he would have receipts showing he contributed financially to my home so he could claim half of it in the prenup if we ever got divorced. I confronted him about that when I reviewed the prenup upon his last threat of divorce and he claims he didn’t even know his lawyer worded the prenup that way. I find it very hard to believe. He told me he was willing to amend the prenup and he did that. But now, instead of being stupid, I took the amended prenup to a lawyer and he is still playing games because he still worded it in a way where he would be entitled to the appreciation value of my home instead of making claims on work that was done in the past. He believes that he is entitled to at least the appreciation because, “ what if my business goes under, I did work in your basement and I would need something to keep me afloat in the future.“ One very important factor, the “friend of a friend” allegedly ended up charging him $37,000 to fix a leak in the basement. I find that so hard to believe. He claims he will show me receipts anytime and that amount has changed three times. The first time, he told me the guy ended up charging him 13,000. Then one day when he was upset with threats of the divorce he told me he paid 200,000 towards my home. Then, when I told him I was ready to proceed with the divorce, he said OK well you know, it was $37k. There are a lot more reasons why I was headed in the direction of divorce. My mom on her deathbed informed me she had money put aside in cash. I made the mistake of telling him how much it was and it was only at that point, that he was willing to get a joint bank account with me. That was a huge red flag. He kept asking me about the money where did I put it how much was it, and it didn’t sit well with me. For the last couple years we’ve been sharing one car because my lease was up and I thought I should use my money wisely and pay off my debts. Well, I did all of that and have had one heck of a year.. when I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy a car possibly with some of the money my mom left me, he got upset and told me why do I need a car now when I can use his anytime I want? between the prenup and the cash and him trying to make claims on my home, and now trying to take appreciation value of my home when he told me from day one he would never touch my home, I just feel also financially bullied by him. He is worth a lot more than I am. He earns over $200,000 a year. There is so much more to the story.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

Livvie said:


> You both were ready for divorce and had started the process. See him through his treatments, then proceed with the divorce.


Thanks for the feedback… This is the direction I am feeling would be most appropriate. It’s just sad because he is becoming very clingy and seemingly loves me for sticking by his side even though he knows we were on the verge of signing divorce papers. It’s sad because he hugs me at night and holds me and says thank you and cries and I can sympathize with him but deep down I still do want the divorce and I do not want to continue a life with him after he is done with treatments. He doesn’t know this, but it will come out. And to throw a monkey wrench in all of this, I will not start a family with this man. I know That’s some thing he definitely wants but for me, that’s a dealbreaker because I will never have children with this man. We are going to therapy in the mist of all this and I know that will become a topic we must discuss. I know it’s really hard because he’s going through a tough time with this diagnosis, chemo, radiation and surgery in the near future… So I’m also wondering if I should keep all of this inside and not talk too much about it in therapy because I need him to get through that first? There’s just so much to this and it’s so complicated. I wish I could just leave now and MoveOn but I wouldn’t want that done to me so I’m sticking it out but it’s so hard with this resentment inside.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You want to have a clear conscience and help this guy get through this disease, and this proves that you are a good person. My guess is that, once he is out of the danger zone, he will revert to his old self, and you are completely right not to want a family with him. He sounds dishonest and selfish. Someone said that all men are selfish. I don't think we should accept it as the norm. I'm not sure all of them are selfish, but even if they're not, society makes it ok that they are selfish, while it is not ok for a woman to be selfish. She is always supposed to prioritize others in her life before her happiness and stick it out. 
I think you are right to want to help your husband to get his treatments and then get to the divorce once he is out of danger. I agree that doing it with so much resentment is hard. I would bring it up in therapy, so that he realizes what you are dealing with and despite all that you are still helping him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

nmgeo said:


> when I mentioned to him that I wanted to buy a car possibly with some of the money my mom left me, he got upset and told me why do I need a car now when I can use his anytime I want? between the prenup and the cash and him trying to make claims on my home, and now trying to take appreciation value of my home when he told me from day one he would never touch my home, I just feel also financially bullied by him. *He is worth a lot more than I am. He earns over $200,000 a year. *There is so much more to the story.


Are you absolutely positive? Because he sure is acting like a guy who has a lot of shady accounting and/or business practices who is perhaps using his wife as a piggy bank in case it all comes crashing down.

Why do I have a feeling a forensic accountant would terrify him? See, he owns a business and has assets that have grown in value since the marriage. You very likely have reason to request the court force full financial disclosure. Since you don't trust him...any why would you?...you'd get a forensic accountant to look at the records. Dollars to donuts he'd suddenly be willing to give you an amicable divorce to avoid a forensic accountant pawing through his records.

Even if that's not the case and he's just a garden variety jackass ( sometimes I really do hate not being able to use strong language here) I'd leave his sorry ass cancer or no. He's worth $15 million, right? He can use his money to pay for a nurse and driver.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

coquille said:


> he realizes what you are dealing with and despite all that you are still helping him.


Sounds like he does, and he's grateful.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

TJW said:


> Sounds like he does, and he's grateful.


Of course he is. He’s not you TJW. He’s a pr*ck. Cancer or not. 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> If it looks terminal then stay married and take his money. If not just get the divorce.


This is the go-to answer.
An answer I choke on.

I would show mercy at the end, his end, if it comes to this. 
Be the better person.

Wait it out, say...two more years.
Bite your tongue, avoid him if necessary.

It could be he knew about his cancer before all this and wanted you out of his life, and out of his last-will, before hand.

If necessary, fight the divorce in court, wait him out.

Note: not all cancers are ultimately lethal.

This particular cancer is often caused by heavy alcohol use (and GERD) or from oral sex from someone with a virus.

Esophageal cancer is 45 to +60 % survivable out to five years.
It depends on its stage, whether it has spread, etc.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> This is the go-to answer.
> An answer I choke on.
> 
> I would show mercy at the end, his end, if it comes to this.
> ...


Yeah honey…be the better person so when he survives the cancer, he can screw you out of every penny he can get. BUT…you’ll have a clear conscious right?

SMDH 


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> This is the go-to answer.
> An answer I choke on.
> 
> I would show mercy at the end, his end, if it comes to this.
> ...


I’ll marry him for 15 million.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

TJW said:


> Sounds like he does, and he's grateful.


He is just for now. Once he is cancer free, he will revert back to his old self. People don't change.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yeah honey…be the better person so when he survives the cancer, he can screw you out of every penny he can get. BUT…you’ll have a clear conscious right?
> 
> SMDH
> 
> ...


A clear conscious js priceless.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

My parents got divorced when I was just 4 years old starting kingergarten. They spent years hating on each other. When I was 17, my mother was diagnosed with bone cancer. Despite being divorced, my dad still showed up at my mother's house every day for the last year of her life to help take care of her. Maybe there is no reward for doing the right thing but you should still do it. I've always liked this quote: "_Honor is a gift a man gives himself._"


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

This might factor in your decision.

source: American Cancer Society


*5-year relative survival rates for esophageal cancer*
These numbers are based on people diagnosed with esophageal cancer between 2010 and 2016.

*Stage**5-Year Relative Survival Rate*Localized47%Regional25%Distant5%All SEER stages combined20%


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So he’s worth 15 million? Why is he worried about getting part of the value of your home, which should be chicken feed compared to 15 million.????

Ot would seem he’s wanting to screw your over in the divorce just because he could. And as for the prenup, I wouid think if he could get some of the appreciation on your home, you could get some of the appreciation of his business, which would be far greater. I’ve heard that prenups aren’t worth anything if the contract is unconscionablE. It would be interesting to hear his side of this.


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## Natalie0001 (Jun 28, 2021)

Sorry to hear about your mom's passing. I feel it was a very hard time for you, more so in the situation your marriage was in. Your husband's illness is also unfortunate and I hope he recovers. If there is one thing to tell you in all of this, it is to let go of the negative feelings of hate and revenge, not because your husband has earned them all, but because you don't deserve to suffer them. Hate and revenge drain the human being and destroy you. You are better than that. I know it's a little trite what I'm about to tell you but you should forgive him and help him, and then you can divorce him with a clear conscience. In the end it's all about you and your well being. I hope you can find the wisdom to make the right decision.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

nmgeo said:


> My husband and I haven’t been married long. We will make 2 years this September. Been together 4 years total. Since we got married, he has threatened me with divorce 4 times. I was petrified and couldn’t bare to lose him. But the last time he said “divorce,” I had enough of it. Especially because my mom was sent home on hospice care the day he “wanted a divorce” again. He put it on the back burner bc he knew I was going through a lot with my mom..long story short, I knew going through the loss of my mom and my marriage was too much for me to handle at once, so I didn’t push the issue either. 2 months went by and I had hardly no support from him taking care of my mom. I was so hurt and bitter about it and I knew once I took some time to grieve, I would tell him I’m also ready for the divorce. He didn’t agree with my mom passing away at home and wanted her to be in a hospice care facility. We had many disagreements about that..and it was hard feeling like I was going it alone. My mom passed away April 23. By June 8, I called my lawyer, reviewed a prenup I signed only to discover he had it worded in such a way that my separate property would be half his if we can’t agree on an amount he contributed to it. He is worth 15 million. I’m worth a little less than 1. I brought this up to him and told him I needed the prenup FIXED ASAP. He refuses. I told him I want a divorce. A week a later, not even, he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. I’m torn. I can’t help but wonder if this is karma for him not being supportive when my mom was just going through stage 4 cancer and all she wanted was to pass at home. I gave her that wish and he and I would fight about it nonstop. He told me I was being selfish and putting her before him and complained bc I slept at her home a lot and wasn’t making time for him. But now I’m expected to drop everything for him? I went out on fmla leave with work for the duration of her treatments and hospice care. He kept asking me when I was going back to work. Now miraculously, he doesn’t ask bc I take him to all his appointments! And I will be expected to take him to treatments and be there for him..when we wasn’t there for me or my mom when she was passing. He finally came through when she had 3 days left. He finally slept over with me and he was there when she passed..but for months before hand her was going it alone and felt zero support. We were not at all expecting a cancer diagnosis..the doctors thought he had really bad acid reflux. Now I feel stuck taking care of him and that sounds terrible but it’s the truth. I don’t know what to do. The right thing to do would be stick it out “through thick and thin.” And then I’m DONE but I can’t shake this resentment! I feel bad for him and I just keep telling myself we put divorce on the back burner when my mom went into hospice so I’m going to put it on the back burner now to return the favor. Does that seem right/fair? Looking for advice!! I am so torn. I don’t want to see him suffer or go through chemo and surgery. I just lost my mom to this disease. But he is also is such a crappy mood and we are bickering over everything! We were LITERALLY just about the part ways and then we get this diagnosis!?? How does this happen


First-- cancer is not karma. You should really have empathy regarding cancer no matter how awful he is/was. You need to separate your feeling from his health because it is dishonoring your own mother (what did she do to get punished with 'cancer'?) and all of we cancer survivors. 

Next-- how old is your husband? Many younger men are getting throat or neck cancers due to HPV. If is from HPV you may want to get yourself checked out-- because he may have gotten it from you. The oncologists will know for certain if it is HPV-related. The good news about that is that particular cance responds well to treatment (but it is cancer so there are no guarantees). If he is under 40 and has that type of cancer it is likely HPV. 

Finally, just like staying together for the kids is a poor reason to stay married (if you do not love each other and would be divorced otherwise), the only thing you are doing is saving face. Are you afraid of what people will think? Do you still have any loving feelings toward him? If not then you should not stay married.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TJW said:


> *I have to admit that my feelings were torn when my wife quit her job to take care of our daughter during her battle with cancer*. However, the overriding factor in my mind was that I loved our daughter as much as I loved my wife. I wanted our daughter to receive the good care, *even though my wife essentially lived at our daughter's house and hospice for months*. I also have to admit that *my resentments* would have been more difficult to ignore if it was my wife's mother. Simply because I had no "bond" to my MIL.


Really? You had resentments toward your wife while she cared for your daughter? 



nmgeo said:


> Thanks for the feedback… This is the direction I am feeling would be most appropriate. It’s just sad because he is becoming very clingy and seemingly loves me for sticking by his side even though he knows we were on the verge of signing divorce papers. It’s sad because he hugs me at night and holds me and says thank you and cries and I can sympathize with him but deep down I still do want the divorce and I do not want to continue a life with him after he is done with treatments. He doesn’t know this, but it will come out. And to throw a monkey wrench in all of this, I will not start a family with this man. I know That’s some thing he definitely wants but for me, that’s a dealbreaker because I will never have children with this man. We are going to therapy in the mist of all this and I know that will become a topic we must discuss. I know it’s really hard because he’s going through a tough time with this diagnosis, chemo, radiation and surgery in the near future… So I’m also wondering if I should keep all of this inside and not talk too much about it in therapy because I need him to get through that first? There’s just so much to this and it’s so complicated. I wish I could just leave now and MoveOn but I wouldn’t want that done to me so I’m sticking it out but it’s so hard with this resentment inside.


At the very least, I'd be getting that pre-nup voided legally, with his ok. If he won't do that, he can whistle for a carer. While his chances of survival of this are extremely poor, if he changes his will and leaves you right out of it, you'll be stuffed when he dies anyway.

I'd simply tell him in therapy that baby plans must be put on hold until he finishes his treatment. It's just the way it has to be. It won't be an issue you'll need to worry about, he's basically got a shot in hell of being here in 5 years time.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> First-- cancer is not karma. You should really have empathy regarding cancer no matter how awful he is/was. You need to separate your feeling from his health because it is dishonoring your own mother (what did she do to get punished with 'cancer'?) and all of we cancer survivors.
> 
> Next-- how old is your husband? Many younger men are getting throat or neck cancers due to HPV. If is from HPV you may want to get yourself checked out-- because he may have gotten it from you. The oncologists will know for certain if it is HPV-related. The good news about that is that particular cance responds well to treatment (but it is cancer so there are no guarantees). If he is under 40 and has that type of cancer it is likely HPV.
> 
> Finally, just like staying together for the kids is a poor reason to stay married (if you do not love each other and would be divorced otherwise), the only thing you are doing is saving face. Are you afraid of what people will think? Do you still have any loving feelings toward him? If not then you should not stay married.


Thanks so much, I needed to hear and see that last line. You’re right. I don’t have loving feelings for him anymore. The reason why I want to stay though, is because it’s the right thing to do since he did it for me while I waited for my mom to pass in hospice. (Even though he was unsupportive with caregiving or help in that sense.) The thing about hpv is, I was vaccinated, more than one vaccine I believe, for hpv as a young adult, however, my husband is 37. Another however though, he’s been with other women and I with other men obviously before we were married. Prior to me, he was in a 9 year relationship where she cheated on him and ended the relationship shortly after. Could be any one of us. I believe you misinterpreted what I said: I would never wish cancer on anyone. Maybe this is better way to phrase it: I can’t help but wonder if a higher being, karma, something, put this battle in his path to allow for more empathy towards others who go or have went, through this. Because when I was caring for my mom, he didn’t seem to care one bit . The first time he went for a ct scan, they couldn’t find his vein. That’s something he used to complain about with my mom. He would say my mom was over playing it when she would show her black and blues from them poking and prodding her. When they couldnt find his vein he broke down and said I think your mom is watching over me right now laughing, saying “I told you so!” I told him no. Don’t say that. But inside, I thought to myself, just maybe. Maybe that’s true. The oncologist said obesity can play a factor, (my husband is obese.) smoking (cigar guy) and drinking plays a factor too. While he’s not a heavy drinker, everyone’s genetics vary. Hiatal her is run in his family. Doc said it could be from a Hyaital hernia that went untreated or unnoticed. Doc also said he has no signs of Barrett’s esophagus. The cancer is at the end of the esophagus and into the entrance of the stomach so they are now considering this a gastrointestinal cancer.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He's been pretty ruthless about the prenup so I believe step one here is to find out if he has a will and if you get his money if he dies and his property and all that. I guess you need to see an attorney for them to find out about that. You may find out he has completely cut you out of his will. He's certainly done everything he can to make it look like he owns everything. 

You were both wanting a divorce so if that issue is more important to you than the money issue, I would ask him. I would say are you still wanting to get the divorce or do you need me to stick it out and try to take care of you or is that just going to make you more miserable in the long run. 

There are people who separatize with close ones when they get chronic disease because they just can't deal with their issues and their own too. 

The other thing you have to consider is what other people will think and they will certainly think you probably ought to stick it out and help take care of him but we don't really know that his cancer is terminal do we? Be sure that you know his real condition because there are a lot of cancers you can come back from. If his is one of those then there's no reason to stay with him except to sort out your financial stuff. 

I would find out about his will and I would insist upon knowing the details of his cancer and what stage and what time and be listed as someone who can get information from the doctor since you are his wife.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

You are far too good for this man. What a jerk he is.

Personally, I would listen to what a number of people are saying on here and not divorce him at present.

Looking at it dispassionately, if he dies then I assume you will benefit financially. I would not feel badly about this but would view it as a very just reward for his appalling treatment of you.

I think you would feel bad if you left him now and would struggle with it for a long time. You have a great deal of compassion and have shown your willingness to put your needs before others. He certainly doesn’t deserve your compassion here but I think you need to do it for you, not for him.

I agree with others that, should he recover, he will quickly revert to his former sh*tty self so don’t go holding out for some “road to Damascus moment of enlightenment “ from him.

However, you can, and in my opinion should, use this time to get proper legal advice on your financial affairs, the pre-nup etc so that if or when hostilities resume, you are in a far stronger position than you are now.

Remember, he has taken a nasty, aggressive stance in any potential divorce so you are entitled to fight for what is yours either as part of a divorce settlement or from his will.

Very sorry you find yourself in this position but please do not feel sorry for him. Please do not let his illness make you feel remorseful or guilty about any divorce because he does not deserve it. He has tried to, and will continue to screw you over without a single thought or any feeling of guilt, remorse or regret.

Most of all, stay strong AND LOOK AFTER YOURSELF BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO!


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> So he’s worth 15 million? Why is he worried about getting part of the value of your home, which should be chicken feed compared to 15 million.????
> 
> Ot would seem he’s wanting to screw your over in the divorce just because he could. And as for the prenup, I wouid think if he could get some of the appreciation on your home, you could get some of the appreciation of his business, which would be far greater. I’ve heard that prenups aren’t worth anything if the contract is unconscionablE. It would be interesting to hear his side of this.


MY POINT EXACTLY! he claims it’s because he should be entitled to the work he did to fix the basement (a water leak.) a leak he told me a friend was fixing for free bc he was owed a favor. But now that I want a divorce, he feels that he should be entitled to the value bc of the work done in case his business falls apart in the future. He said he needs a backup (funds) to reimburse him for the work. Mind you—the “favor” ended up being a $37K job. But he changes that amount constantly (well..3 times at this point,) and said he actually ended up having to pay the guy instead of getting that favor. It’s ********.


DownByTheRiver said:


> He's been pretty ruthless about the prenup so I believe step one here is to find out if he has a will and if you get his money if he dies and his property and all that. I guess you need to see an attorney for them to find out about that. You may find out he has completely cut you out of his will. He's certainly done everything he can to make it look like he owns everything.
> 
> You were both wanting a divorce so if that issue is more important to you than the money issue, I would ask him. I would say are you still wanting to get the divorce or do you need me to stick it out and try to take care of you or is that just going to make you more miserable in the long run.
> 
> ...


I haven’t asked about a will but in our prenup it states clearly I am not to get the apartment we live in. It was go to his dad. He has a life insurance policy but that I’m not worried about because he is young and strong. He will make it through, at least that’s what I believe based on what the doctors say and statistics. He has so much property (real estate buildings where he also collects cash rents) and 2 businesses. In the prenup he has it worded that I would be entitled to a $100K payout in the event of divorce but only at years 3-6 of marriage. Yet he made it worded that he is automatically entitled to the appreciation of my separate property (now marital,) because of the work he did on the basement. Work I was told wouldn’t cost him a penny. He is in construction and also owns a tool rentals company. I’m fearful that he will fudge receipts and numbers to inflate the “work” he did so we will not agree, leading to liquidation of the asset..which means I will have to sell my house and give him half which I find very unfair because we have never used that home together. It was my grandparents house. Not his. But the house was put into my name before we were married and I never realized the prenup would NOT protect that home as separate property. I am holding on to this resentment and worry while taking him to his appointments and watching him sulk is bringing me down further. On top of the stress between this terrible timing concerning the divorce, I don’t know how or if I should even bring up the prenup issue to be resolved and I feel stuck and alone! At least make the prenup reflect the same amount of time I would have to wait for the 100k. Wouldn’t it be fair that he would have to wait 3 years since that’s how long I have to wait??


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If he is truly sick you know cancer makes you really weak and he won't be able to keep working and his fortune will dwindle, and extreme medical costs for something like cancer can eat it up in a hurry anyway. So I will just say that if you divorced now that whatever assets you are entitled to will be more whole than they will be after a length of time because he will go downhill financially. 

If you do decide to divorce you should tell your friends and family that this was something you've both been talking about before he was diagnosed.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If he is truly sick you know cancer makes you really weak and he won't be able to keep working and his fortune will dwindle, and extreme medical costs for something like cancer can eat it up in a hurry anyway. So I will just say that if you divorced now that whatever assets you are entitled to will be more whole than they will be after a length of time because he will go downhill financially.
> 
> If you do decide to divorce you should tell your friends and family that this was something you've both been talking about before he was diagnosed.


Thanks for that. A few family and friends know we have been struggling and weirdly enough even some from his side agree with my reasoning regarding the prenup and can’t understand why he is refusing to fix it. He says I’m the one being stubborn. He’s worth over 15 times I am. It just doesn’t make sense to lose me over pettiness for half the appreciation value…also wondering if he would get anything since the appreciation value has actually gone DOWN in the two years we’ve been married. Who would have thought. A multi millionaire is looking to profit off a woman less than 1 million. When I’m not asking for a dime he is fighting me over tooth and nail.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

nmgeo said:


> Thanks for that. A few family and friends know we have been struggling and weirdly enough even some from his side agree with my reasoning regarding the prenup and can’t understand why he is refusing to fix it. He says I’m the one being stubborn. He’s worth over 15 times I am. It just doesn’t make sense to lose me over pettiness for half the appreciation value…also wondering if he would get anything since the appreciation value has actually gone DOWN in the two years we’ve been married. Who would have thought. A multi millionaire is looking to profit off a woman less than 1 million. When I’m not asking for a dime he is fighting me over tooth and nail.


It just shows you what his priorities are, himself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you know what you paid for the house all you need to do is get a appraisal on it and see but chances are if you bought it over 5 years ago it's gone up all. Still let's just say it cost a million dollars and now it's worth a million five. Is part of the increased cause I suppose would be 250, 000. But if he gets half of it plus $250,000, that just doesn't make sense. I would certainly have an attorney look at that prenup.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> So he’s worth 15 million? Why is he worried about getting part of the value of your home, which should be chicken feed compared to 15 million.????
> 
> Ot would seem he’s wanting to screw your over in the divorce just because he could. And as for the prenup, I wouid think if he could get some of the appreciation on your home, you could get some of the appreciation of his business, which would be far greater. I’ve heard that prenups aren’t worth anything if the contract is unconscionablE. It would be interesting to hear his side of this.


He says I would be entitled to the $100K only after being married year 3 and onward. The reason why he is entitled to my appreciation is bc of the “work” he did.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

Wolfman1968 said:


> This might factor in your decision.
> 
> source: American Cancer Society
> 
> ...


Thanks yes we shared those stats with his oncologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering who said the numbers are skewed and my husband wouldn’t fall into this category because he doesn’t fit the demographic or profile of this pool of patients. Maybe they’re giving false hope but his oncologist believes with certainty he will withstand all chemo and surgery. The median age of cancer patients regarding these stats is 68 years old with pre-existing health problems like diabetes and/or obesity. My husband is 37 and sure could maybe lose a few pounds but overall active and healthy.


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## nmgeo (Jun 26, 2021)

nmgeo said:


> Thanks yes we shared those stats with his oncologist at Memorial Sloan Kettering who said the numbers are skewed and my husband wouldn’t fall into this category because he doesn’t fit the demographic or profile of this pool of patients. Maybe they’re giving false hope but his oncologist believes with certainty he will withstand all chemo and surgery. The median age of cancer patients regarding these stats is 68 years old with pre-existing health problems like diabetes and/or obesity. My husband is 37 and sure could maybe lose a few pounds but overall active and healthy.


 should also note, the course of actions (chemo, surgery, then more chemo,) was not performed on all of these patients.


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