# Need Advice! please



## ange (Jul 10, 2009)

I guess I dont know where to start, please dont respond with rude comments I am really just seeking advice. 

5 years ago I got pregnant my boyfriend of 1 year we decided we loved each other so lets get married. We were both in the military, he was due to get out soon... so shortly before we had our child he seperated from the military. He wanted to go to school full time, this was ok for me since I still had time left in my enlistment but I also wanted to finish school. So the plan was he goes for 4 years and then I will finish school when he is done. everything was ok for a while then we moved to another state. He started going to school at night while I worked during the day. This was hard for me since I wanted to be with our duaghter , this is where we started having problems. He became completely lazy, basically four years later he has failed many semesters of school (and tried to hide this from me) never helped out around the house and when we got short on money never tried to get a job, despite my begging. I have always worked full time, gone to school and taken care of my child and housework. I cannot understand why this was so hard for him. So 6 months ago I decided we should seperate, he does not want a divorce,despite our problems. when I made him move out he finally got a job....but in another state! (temporarily) He is living in florida with some friends, and no responsibility...while I am still here. He begs me to get back together but never tries that hard. as far as I know he has never cheated....and I believe this I dont know why.

So I guess the dilema is: I dont know what to do, I enjoy hanging out with him as a friend and I love to see my daughter happy with him, and she misses him so much. I feel guilty all the time for having him move out.. but I was so unhappy with him I was tired all the time and feeling used. We also havent been intimate in 2 years...becasue of me, and I cannot bring myself to do it either. I dont know if it is worth me trying to work things out ....but I love my daughter and I want her to be happy.... he says he loves us and wants to be a family again, he says he will not be like he was before.. but I dont know..need advice


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I honestly think going back with him would be opening a whole can of worms. Your life will become worse off and complicate you and your daughter's world. 

You may just be going through a lonely time and WISHING he were a way he never, ever will be. You may be dealing with crushed "dreams" of what you _want_ him to be. This disappointment is often hard to deal with, so you _rationalize_ and _hope_ he has changed. BUT you need to be a realist because if you do not, you may be miserable 

You sound like a competent and able person, highly responsible and you love your daughter. I would not open the door for him again...*birds rarely, if ever change their feathers*.

Are you still on active duty? If you are and are thinking of getting out to get back with him as a civilian, I would _totally_ not do that! If you are a young mom, and on active duty, with a spouse who is "iffy" STAY put and re-up.

Been there, done that. Staying put (in the military with a young daughter) was the best move I ever made in my entire life.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Yeah, you've done the hardest part. You just need a little reassurance and perhaps to emotionally seperate. See my post, the 5 stages of divorce. It talks aboutemotionally divorcing if you are ever to move on properly.

That's what I am trying (and currently kinda failing) to do at the moment.

I think it is really important to do that. If you are still emotionally attached to him, of course you are going to have second, third, fourth thoughts...

Take care.


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