# Heartbreak and terrified. Need a males perspective



## WeepingWillow25 (Sep 9, 2017)

I am 25 years old. My husband is 27. 
We met through friends during one of his deployments, we exchanged emails and phone calls talking pretty much through his whole deployment. I met him face to face in Feb 2011 and we married quickly that April. 
We have been married now for 6 years. It hasn't been the best of years, I'll admit. We have been back and forth a lot. I've left him multiple times and have always come back because deep down I love him. I know I'm in love with this man. I've just been too stupid and mean towards him. I use to see things pretty much one sided until recently. About two weeks ago on my birthday I acted like a total brat. I hit him and was just out of control. He told me that night that hes unhappy and all we do is agrue. He feels differently about me, not in love with me anymore. That he wants to be friends but we should go on with our lifes seperately. 
I started looking around for things to read how to control my crap and change my ways. To not get mad so easily and make him walk on egg shells because of it. I came across a life coach blog and a lot of it has spoken volumes to me. I've been working on how I think and trying to show him love. He told me just last night the same thing he told me on my birthday.. I've been nothing but a crying mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep. He told me he needs this weekend to think it over. He feels like he has gotten to because I'm constantly breaking down and begging him to stay. I know I should stop this since all I'm doing is pushing him away more. 
I want to have high hopes that he will give me, us, another chance. But he tells me last night as he was snuggling with me, that he doesn't want me to have high hopes. He still loves me but needs to think. 
Can anyone give me some sort of comfort and advice? I


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

WeepingWillow25 said:


> I am 25 years old. My husband is 27.
> We met through friends during one of his deployments, we exchanged emails and phone calls talking pretty much through his whole deployment. I met him face to face in Feb 2011 and we married quickly that April.
> We have been married now for 6 years. It hasn't been the best of years, I'll admit. We have been back and forth a lot. I've left him multiple times and have always come back because deep down I love him. I know I'm in love with this man. I've just been too stupid and mean towards him. I use to see things pretty much one sided until recently. About two weeks ago on my birthday I acted like a total brat. I hit him and was just out of control. He told me that night that hes unhappy and all we do is agrue. He feels differently about me, not in love with me anymore. That he wants to be friends but we should go on with our lifes seperately.
> I started looking around for things to read how to control my crap and change my ways. To not get mad so easily and make him walk on egg shells because of it. I came across a life coach blog and a lot of it has spoken volumes to me. I've been working on how I think and trying to show him love. He told me just last night the same thing he told me on my birthday.. I've been nothing but a crying mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep. He told me he needs this weekend to think it over. He feels like he has gotten to because I'm constantly breaking down and begging him to stay. I know I should stop this since all I'm doing is pushing him away more.
> ...


You didn't put this information into your first post so I edited my answer.You should never give any wife beater the chance to hit you a second.Call the cops and PRESS CHARGES as soon as he hits you.
You have let him abuse you and that has to have contributed to your current problems.


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## WeepingWillow25 (Sep 9, 2017)

Thanks Andy. Seems like you really know me. 
We both aren't perfect. I've left several times in the first few years of our marriage because he physically abused me. We tried counseling and he had me call and cancel it after going once. 
There's a lot of bad stuff on both our ends. He hasn't laid his hands on me for several years now. If that can change for the better how come I can't? If i have forgave him for that when it was so bad, he was choking me everytime he got mad, why cant he forgive my ways?I know I'm not much at all. Hes put up with my bs. You don't have to be negative about me finding something that helps me personally. I just wanted some input, so thank you for that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So you have both physically abused the other. Sounds like you BOTH need professional help to deal with this anger and abuse towards each other. 
I wouldn't stay with a partner for one day if he hit me.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

...perhaps he knows his ways of distance are protecting you more than you realize.

Time to let go and focus on how your happiness can be found, within you.

There is no single road and there is no final destination, there is just the journey of the present and some practice it for decades before being happy simply in that.


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## WeepingWillow25 (Sep 9, 2017)

Sadly, yes. We have. And we both need work. I am in love with him. I want things to work out. I know i need to rid old habits. It use to not be like this..


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## WeepingWillow25 (Sep 9, 2017)

Andy- Sorry, I don't know how to explain whats going on very well. 
I agree though, I left after things happened. But he said he would work on it and change, he has changed. But now I'm the hateful one in the relationship. It's become a way of life how we treat each other and I don't want to live like this. I want to be what makes him happy. I want to better myself with my partner. 
We have both done and said horrible things to each other. Does anyone think it's possible to come out of this?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Being in the military means he leans Alpha. 
Being Alpha means high energy, high emotional reserves. Lots of pent up, whatever.

I am sure when he abused you he was very angry. You pushed his buttons.

ABSOLUTELY no excuse for a man to hit or choke a women. Even if you beat on him, he should 'merely' sit on you until the storm passes. Hold your arms.

I had to do that a few times in the distant past.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> *Being in the military means he leans Alpha. *
> Being Alpha means high energy, high emotional reserves. Lots of pent up, whatever.
> 
> I am sure when he abused you he was very angry. You pushed his buttons.
> ...



Most guys just follow orders, that pretty far from Alpha. It does however suggest pyschopathy and several other dark triad personality quality's that frequently lead to spousal abuse, common with police and others in positions of authority. True alphas attract people to them, Betas who wish to be alpha hit kick smash and scream like infants to try to be alpha, but they never will be. 

If I were this woman, I would suggest she step away, if a man wants you, he will make it clear he wants you, if he doesn't he won't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband used to be abusive and changed. Most people only change when they hit rock bottom. Apparently he hit rock bottom with the threat of you leaving him.

I sounds like even though he stopped the physical violence, the emotional/verbal violence continues.

You also continued the physical violence because you could. Because you did not think that he would leave you. Now that you stand to lose him, suddenly you realize that your physical violence does not work for you.

But it's too late because he's emotionally out of this relationship. You have hit rock bottom. Or have you? Every often, people just say that they will change but they don't over the long run.

for example, the fact that your husband continues his emotional/verbal abuse is signs that he still has the capability for violence the moment he feels like he can get away with it. A person who had truly changed their ways would have walked away from your violence a long time ago. They would also not engage in verbal/emotional abuse.

The bottom line is that you need to get away from this man and fix yourself. Once you are emotionally healthy, there is no way you would want to stay with a guy who says awful things to you.

Now he's playing the blackmail game... that's where he tells you that he's done, but he stays. And he uses the threat to keep you around and play with your head. That's emotional abuse.

The purpose of abuse is to control the other person. That's what he's doing right now... playing with you and controlling you. Look how it's working. He has you begging, crying, and acting a fool. And by acting like that, you are teaching him that his new little game will work better than beating and choking you to control you.

Walk away. Run away. This is going down hill fast.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband used to be abusive and changed. Most people only change when they hit rock bottom. Apparently he hit rock bottom with the threat of you leaving him.
> 
> I sounds like even though he stopped the physical violence, the emotional/verbal violence continues.
> 
> ...



Well said, passive aggressive behavior is a sign of Betaness


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