# Does sex just die in a marriage?!



## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

I have lurked on this forum for a while now. I just joined so I could ask a question about our sex life. We have been married 27 years now. We have 3 kids, 1 is out of the house and the other 2 are in college. Life can be full, we both work full-time and I have a disabled mother who we help with along with my siblings. I go over to her house, she does not live with us. 
The trouble started with us going to counseling in 2012. He had been distant and not much intimacy at all. After we started counseling I discovered that he had been looking at porn on his computer. This was brought out and hashed out in counseling. It wasn’t the end of the world, BUT when it replaces the spouse it does incredible damage. The counselor even then told us to go on little getaways, etc and make time for each other, even suggested scheduling sex. I had become the only one that initiated sex and really wanted him to pursue me like he did the porn. We went away that spring and that was the last time we had sex. We went to a work conference in 2017 and he started trying to initiate something while I was asleep at 3 a.m. and I stopped it. I wanted an explanation on why it had been so long. He never gave me this and I even suggested counseling to help bridge that gap of communication. After that it has only been a peck on the lips since then. He is 56, I am 50. There is zero intimacy, not even a touch on the back or anything. All conversations are about his work. We do go out to movies and to dinner, but it is basically as friends. I have held out until now, halfway thinking I would be satisfied with just an affair or someone to talk to. We have friends that are couples that would be shocked. I have held off separating or divorcing due to my kids and family, we are just friends though and I just don’t know if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life! He most of the times sleeps on the couch claiming my snoring keeps him awake. If he has a girlfriend I would be shocked, I know where all the money is and we have Life360 on our phones and can track each other. I have access to his computer at times and have looked but his phone is through his work so I can’t see the phone bills. We both make a decent salary, although his is much higher than mine. That is also one of the reasons I have held off, I know that sounds bad, but I am not the withdrawn one. What am I missing here? Do men just stop having sex at 48?! He does have high blood pressure but it is controlled and the medicine has been changed and that didn’t help. I did get him to get his testosterone checked back then and it was fine. It was always pleasurable to me so I don’t think that was a problem. I can’t compare to the porn stars but I’m not that bad! What should I be looking into? The only place he could have a relationship would be at work so I’m not sure a PI could even help there. I am getting the finances in order just in case I leave. Does anybody have a spouse who just doesn’t have sex. He never seemed like he didn’t like it! What am I overlooking? I am nearing the end of my rope here!


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html

You are not alone. I think sex does slow down as you age but I wouldn't expect it to stop unless there are significant health issues preventing it. I'm sure some others will be along to ask more specific questions to dig deeper but you have my sympathies.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

This is not about "sex" stopping; this is about the intimacy of a couple gone missing. When you bring up that you're basically just friends, sharing nothing that wouldn't be inappropriate between two friends, not even a glimmer of hope that you could become friends with benefits... this is not a low-T or thing. There is no desire on a physical or mental level. The physical can go away for a number of reasons, but it sounds like he wouldn't miss you if you were gone.

So that is where I would start. Ask him that question. Would he miss you if you were gone, and why? From that you can start a conversation about specifics. But if there's nothing of substance in his answer, if he has no desire for something more (and not talking just about sex), then he's not following through on his contract with you, the marriage vows.

I have to admit this also reads like someone who discovers very late in their marriage that their partner is not heterosexual.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sex between husband and wife can die. I doubt it does for the husband or the wife individually. Each person can take care of themselves, or they can get "help" from a third party. 

Continue getting active in trying to find answers. Posting here is a good start. You're too young to give up on sex. If there's a valid reason he's not interested (that's not offensive to the marriage), find it, and if possible fix it. If there's not a valid reason, it's time for you to live the rest of your life. A lot of women over 50 or even 60 start enjoying sex like they never did before. Don't miss out on it if you can help it. 

Set boundaries and enforce them. Sex is not an option in marriage (unless both parties willingly agree that it is.) If he wants a wife, he needs to be a husband.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I cannot help but feel that sex, in marital relationships, is much like my paraphrased Darwinian theory that "if an organ is in place to be used for a purpose, but is not taken advantage of, then over the due course of time, that organ becomes largely obsolete and non-functional!"

The procreational aspect of male-female relationships greatly dictates sex drives in both genders, and for either party to shun what should be a naturally occurring and normal function can be, in and of itself, an unnatural and cruel act!*


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

For reference I'm 54.
I'm a bit of a counter. I automatically add up all the dates and ages, sort of a mental timeline. Correct me if I get something wrong.
Last time you had sex with your husband was Spring of 2012. That is 7 and 3/4 years. You were 42 or 43. you had been married about 20 years. Most of your kids were likely still home.
In 2017 he initiated sex at 3 AM That was more than 2 years ago. 

Before some wise ankle comes in here and states that this hasn't killed you, I want a shot at answering your question. In your title you ask "Does sex just die in a marriage?" No it does not. Sex is one of the most powerful forces in the human world. It does not "just" die. It is killed. An enemy of the relationship killed it. Deliberately. Was the enemy Pornography? or was that just the chosen weapon? Could be either. But as sex was killed the relationship crumbled.

Sexual intimacy faded with each passing day. With the loss of those sexual secrets, shared intimacies, the emotional intimacy followed soon after. Those shared secrets have been replaced with unshared secrets. The secret use of porn on his side. The thoughts of divorce or affairs on your side. instead of building a wall of trust, like shared secrets do, unshared single secrets build walls of distrust. 

Do you know why you are attracted to his money? You may think it is because you need material things. I disagree. You want his money because it is the last secret you share together. the pin number to access the funds is the only secret you now share. 

Honestly, I don't know if a sexless marriage of 8 years can be saved. All I know is what the first step is. You share a secret, you make a promise and you keep that promise. (I know that looks like three steps, but if you don't do all three, it won't build the first stone in the wall of trust.

My suggestion to you is that the secret that you share with him, is that you sexually desire him. After 2017, this will surprise him quite a bit. It may rock the foundation of his world enough to get it moving. Off the top of my head the first promise should be a BJ. Could be anything sexual really or it could be something that you are ready for. Whatever you promise, you deliver and soon. He needs proof that he can trust you. You need more proof that you can trust him, but he isn't here to advise.

Or, you can accept that he is the enemy to your relationship, and that he has deliberatly killed sexuall intimacy in your relationship. That he has done this so he can keep secrets from you. Then you can go out and find those secrets, or just leave him to them. 

I know that you came here to ask if you should. I'm throwing it back at you . it's your decision, and I can't take responsibility for it. 

You did ask one other question. It was kind of implied. You asked do all men over 50 stop wanting a sexual intimacy? Well, I'm considerably less healthy than your husband, and I want a lot more than I can get. And there are 10 (or more) guys on this forum who are older and more active than me. So yes he hasn't hit any magic age line. It's something with him.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Was he very sexual 10+ years ago?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Are you both hygiene aware, are you both physically able, are each of your personal appearances acceptable to one another, resentment is in your marriage. What can you tell us more about these issues.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I don't think that sex dying is a natural thing. It can happen. It happened in my marriage, when it became sex starved. But it can also be revitalized.

People change during marriage. As Dr. Schnarch likes to say marriage is a people growing machine and marriage done correctly is one of the hardest things two people can do. As it is constantly pulling, pushing and emotionally stretching the both of you. This is because living with another person involves huge compromises on everything from what to have for dinner, to watch on TV, to hours of sleep, to sex. And there is no universal right answer to those questions. It all depends on the two of you and what you can work out that meets both of your needs. It also get's even more complicated when you have to raise a child together and face a huge new list of compromises to make. Even more so when a child becomes a rebellious teenager that needs calm guidance. And then all of a sudden you are empty-nesters who now have to make new compromises with just the two of you.

What saved my marriage was getting some great marriage counseling with a sex therapist, a Gottman weekend, a number of self-help books, a willingness to change myself first and forgive my wife, then a tune-up marriage counseling set of sessions with us working through some self-help books.

Good luck.

Marriage is kind of a life time project.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many people (male and female) continue to enjoy an active sex life until much later in life. Sometimes though sex does stop - and its a huge problem when it does. Some things to consider:

If he always had limited interest in sex, he may be near asexual and just gradually drifted over the edge. see asexuality.org

He may have a porn addition - I use the term "addiction" in this case to indicate that he has come to prefer it to sex with his partner. 

Any medical problems. 

Any medication - in particular some anti-depressants can completely kill someone's sex drive

Its possible it is something about the original poster - she might have become undesirable in some way, but from various discussions, that seems to very rarely be the case.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

OP, what was it like however far back it was that you considered your frequency 'normal'. Was that once a month, once a week, couple times a month, couple per week?

I know personally that 15 or twenty years in there can be wild misunderstandings. I was quite gobsmacked when my wife said something along the lines of, it's too bad my drive has gone down with menopause and yours has gone up! I'd been quite unhappy with 'once a month if you are lucky' for a long time....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@southern_girl,

It is that lack of passion that leads to the lack of intimacy.

He sees you as his wife, not his lover.

Withholding intimacy becomes that habit; the habit becomes a nun’s (monks) protection against committing sin.
That sin is allowing one’s pride to be trampled on by one’s (thought unloving) partner.

He is punishing you for some past transgression(s), and denying himself the pleasure of intimacy.
He is that martyr, another failed man who could not communicate properly his feelings or to self-commute his marital life sentence by leaving you.

Here, you openly blame him, yet, I suspect he silently blames you for your present sexless marital status.

Each partner must be kissable, must be lovable in the eyes of the other. 
Neither of you is that person, to the other.

There is some level of contempt that each feels about the other.


THRD-


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

So some other questions that I didn't see, or missed.

What kind of porn is he watching? Is it straight vanilla porn, or is he delving into kink? Someone mentioned the possibility of discovering/realizing not being straight. And while the age would be about right for the trailing edge of such self deception, somehow I think you would have mentioned gay porn.

Have you outright asked why he no longer wants intimacy with you? Or is it intimacy period? Or what it is he does want? A lack of desire for intimacy would not necessarily decrease sex drive, thus the porn and presumed masterbation.

Is this a marriage you want to save? Does he? If so what are you and he willing to do to save it? Needs need to be met, but they are not. Are you willing to open the marriage to get needs mets? Where are your lines for the maintaining and dissolving the marriage?

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

I enjoy reading the responses. I don't even know how to start asking him if he would miss me, we just don't talk on that level. 
I heard many years ago that it's worse when you stop fighting and just don't care. We are there. I have wondered if he is not heterosexual but he would NEVER admit that. That would rip his family apart and he couldn't deal with that. I do admit that yep I don't look like I did 27 years ago, but I can still turn heads. I do miss sex and he knows that, that is what a huge part of the previous counseling was. I almost feel like he wants me to be the one to initiate a divorce, that will make him look so much better to his family and our kids. I always felt like sex and intimacy is such a building block for a marriage. I know a marriage doesn't have to have sex it but in most situations it is such a great sharing time when your spouse and you aim to please each other. I just wish it was an affair rather than knowing I am such a turnoff. 
The porn was described as an addiction back then since it replaced me (per the counselor). I don't know really that it was a tremendous amount and from what I was able to tell it was heterosexual or just women. After all this time it would seem very odd to just give him a BJ! I have gotten to the point where I can't even imagine having sex with him yet I am comfortable here. I only imagine having sex with other guys due to his absence, yet I have stayed out of comfort and the fact that I am married to him. He sleeps on the couch most of the time and when 
he is in the bed he puts in earbuds and turns his back to me. I can't say the money is attractive, I just like the security of it. 
He never had as high a sex drive as I have but he was much more active 10 years ago. We are both very hygiene aware and physically able with no medical issues. He does act older than he is, always has. While being pretty fit, he either works or watches TV. We share a few interest and are usually out and about together. 
I have battled with myself over going to counseling alone BUT I hear the words of the therapist from last time. I asked him how will I know if he is looking at porn in place of me. The counselor said well he will cover his tracks better but his actions will tell you. I know my options so therapy by myself would just be a time waster in my opinion. I don't even know what I want from y'all but it has been so therapeutic reading the replies. I feel validated in my feelings and not just a female with a high desire for sex!


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## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Sorry to hear you’re having to live like this. I feel your pain. 
My x wife had a low drive and made for a miserable marriage. She had been sexually abused as a child and never got over it. Even after Tons of counseling. 
Is it possible your husband may have suffered abuse as a child ? 
Also was his T level on the low end of normal ? This could be the problem . Many men suffer symptoms even in what Doctors call the low end normal range. ( I’m one and on TRT ) 

Low sex drive and not very active are symptoms of low T. 
Does he have body temperature fluctuations? Especially while sleeping. Also a symptom of low T. 
Good luck


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

Well I think it was in low side of normal and he tried something. He used it for a month then quit cause he didn’t like it (it was like deodorant). Nothing I say will work though, if he doesn’t want to do it! I don’t know of any past abuse.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

There’s a book that left me feeling others have had similar experiences: Married and Alone, by Douglass Weiss.

I’m sorry to say, your situation sounds very similar to mine. The essence is: zero intimacy has become the norm, and my spouse prefers it that way.

It was a painful struggle to reach this point — I resisted the process, held onto wanting more and thinking we had had it before and both wanted it it revived. Looking back, I see much of what I thought was mere projection, my projection.

Though she would be content to be roommates from here on out (she’s 56, and I 53), I would not. It’s only been a few months since I moved into the spare bedroom, but it’s much easier to not spend energy on false hope that way, and easier to further detach. Acceptance that there is nothing left to be rekindled has removed adversarial aspects of our relationship, and we generally peacefully coexist. It seems almost a certainty we will divorce.

Looking for answers easily becomes a trap, distracting one from awareness of the passage of time. Depressing, soul crushing experiences numb one to the real possibilities of finding someone compatible (after marriage) to spend time with, being energized by the experience, and feeling contentment and joy. My biggest fear at this point is becoming too numb to care enough to pull the plug. 

Life is short.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Did you read the post someone linked above about other sex starved wives? I don’t think there are any cures mentioned in that thread. But there are lots of stories of wives who feel the same as you do. It may help to read it so at least you don’t feel alone. So that you can see it’s not just you, it’s not anything you have done wrong. And so you can see there are many men like your husband, so it’s not just him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You are falling into a trap of thinking this is all because you are unattractive. What evidence do you have to back that up? Honestly I suspect an affair. Lack of intimacy gives him more places to hide. catholic?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> There’s a book that left me feeling others have had similar experiences: Married and Alone, by Douglass Weiss.
> 
> I’m sorry to say, your situation sounds very similar to mine. The essence is: zero intimacy has become the norm, and my spouse prefers it that way.
> 
> ...


This is my experience too. I have stopped wasting time on false hopes, but I'm struggling to pull the plug (again). It's very easy to slip into oblivion.

I think the OP should have a serious conversation with her husband mentioning the dreaded D word... but be prepared to act on it.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Resentment, is in the mix somewhere and the following questions are not against you but rather a attempt to get a answer.

1, are you a controlling woman.

2, do you talk down to your husband.

3, are you ever satisfied, ( projects/home upkeep) do you ever just expect nothing.

4, Do you expect your husband to do his fair share in the home.

5, has your husband always been passive.

6, do you always take the lead, if you didn't it would never get done.

7, after your husband finishes a task do you give another job out.

8, does your husband ever meet or exceed your expectations. ( Is it ever good enough)

9, how does your husband interact with other men.

10, is your husband a manly man or shy.

11, does he have any male friends, he can relate too.

12, are the males in his family the same way.

13, does he always try to please everyone.

14, when he fails, what is his reasoning or next step.

15, does he feel crushed, when his attempt fails.

16. Does or will he defend you in public. Or do you always defend yourself.

17, does he have any interest or hobbies.

18, if he purchases something does it have to go through you. 

19, does he ever while driving do anything dangerous or risky.

20. Does he ever argue with you to get his point across.

21, do you talk to your husband, or do you talk at him.

I know his one last attempt was weak and untimely but maybe just maybe he doesn't because he's afraid.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

He does have a strict religious background. We are religious too but not like he was brought up. I think he has huge guilt that he isn't still in the denomination he was brought up in, his parents harp on this even with our kids. It was a HUGE problem but he had the choice of where to go and is even involved where we go now. He won't tell his parents what all he does at church now, he even tells the children not to tell them. Yep, the apron strings are there. It has actually gotten worse over the years instead of better. She never got along with me, my kids even don't like going there, so now I go along sometime but not EVERY time. He would stand by and let her say ugly comments to me and then defend her. My children have witnessed this and she has nearly lost the relationship with them. He was going up there so much last year that I truly suspected an affair but he was always at their house (according to Life360) and would even call and I could hear them in the background.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Free testosterone in blood is low?

Any meds?

Chronic illnesses?

Back issues?

Could be so many things or a combination.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

I feel like the resentment is probably somewhere in the mix. When I met him he was the type to have panic attacks and take Xanax and had for years. He is not a manly man but not shy either. His work puts him in the spotlight some so he isn't shy. He hasn't always been passive, he at once was borderline abusive but found out I would NOT stand for that. I wouldn't class me as controlling and while I have talked down to him (in his words) it was while I was defending what I wanted done. We bought a fixer upper 15 years ago and nothing has gotten done. He makes well in the 6 figures and wants to hire the cheapest person and do some things the cheapest, shortcut way. I don't really take over the projects cause they are left still to do. What he has done is half done. I don't dwell on it but it does make me want to move and I have voiced that. We would have to spend at least $100,000 to get the house up to par for someone else. We need massive work done outside and all our friends poke fun at him about it. He lets things tear up and not do preventive work and then it cost more and is an emergency, yet I still don't take over it or nag. He doesn't interact too much with other men nor really have any friends. I mean he does in a work setting but not in a buddy kinds of way. He has no hobbies. I am the buddy which is why I think he hasn't left. 
All purchases do not have to go through me but he doesn't really spend money much. I do the cooking, cleaning, bills and any paperwork that comes into the house. He and I both work full time jobs. 
He does do some stuff that drives me crazy like fact check me on everything. If I say the coffee is black, he is going to check for himself and ask another person. He is always going to do what is expected in a setting where people see him. He helps me with my mom, he sits in church beside me, etc. but nope he does not defend me. He buys gifts now but I am specific about what I want. He will not do jewelry cause it cost too much (his words). He hates spending money like one year I wanted an iphone, instead he bought me another phone to make sure I would like it (um, I am a tech person). He doesn't do the little things either. When his mom is down he is able to operate the keurig, yet he has NEVER fixed me a cup of coffee (and I drink it black!)

Just thought I would answer a variety of the questions. I have a couple of friends that know everything and wonder why I stay. To be honest getting divorced sounds like alot of work and again, disappointing my kids. What if I never find anyone to have that happily ever after with?! I would have to work like crazy just to make ends meet! I live a comfortable life but not a glamorous life. I just really want the intimacy back and better than ever. I have thought he might have an affair but if so, they sure don't see each other much!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

southern_girl said:


> I feel like the resentment is probably somewhere in the mix. When I met him he was the type to have panic attacks and take Xanax and had for years. He is not a manly man but not shy either. His work puts him in the spotlight some so he isn't shy. He hasn't always been passive, he at once was borderline abusive but found out I would NOT stand for that. I wouldn't class me as controlling and while I have talked down to him (in his words) it was while I was defending what I wanted done. We bought a fixer upper 15 years ago and nothing has gotten done. He makes well in the 6 figures and wants to hire the cheapest person and do some things the cheapest, shortcut way. I don't really take over the projects cause they are left still to do. What he has done is half done. I don't dwell on it but it does make me want to move and I have voiced that. We would have to spend at least $100,000 to get the house up to par for someone else. We need massive work done outside and all our friends poke fun at him about it. He lets things tear up and not do preventive work and then it cost more and is an emergency, yet I still don't take over it or nag. He doesn't interact too much with other men nor really have any friends. I mean he does in a work setting but not in a buddy kinds of way. He has no hobbies. I am the buddy which is why I think he hasn't left.
> All purchases do not have to go through me but he doesn't really spend money much. I do the cooking, cleaning, bills and any paperwork that comes into the house. He and I both work full time jobs.
> He does do some stuff that drives me crazy like fact check me on everything. If I say the coffee is black, he is going to check for himself and ask another person. He is always going to do what is expected in a setting where people see him. He helps me with my mom, he sits in church beside me, etc. but nope he does not defend me. He buys gifts now but I am specific about what I want. He will not do jewelry cause it cost too much (his words). He hates spending money like one year I wanted an iphone, instead he bought me another phone to make sure I would like it (um, I am a tech person). He doesn't do the little things either. When his mom is down he is able to operate the keurig, yet he has NEVER fixed me a cup of coffee (and I drink it black!)
> 
> Just thought I would answer a variety of the questions. I have a couple of friends that know everything and wonder why I stay. To be honest getting divorced sounds like alot of work and again, disappointing my kids. What if I never find anyone to have that happily ever after with?! I would have to work like crazy just to make ends meet! I live a comfortable life but not a glamorous life. I just really want the intimacy back and better than ever. I have thought he might have an affair but if so, they sure don't see each other much!


I think Xanax or most of those meds will cause issues with desire. It reads like he is depressed. 1/2 done work. Not sure what the next step is and doesn't feel like he wants to put himself through doing maintenance cause he believes he can't do it. Stressing himself out. 

Needs to talk to his doctor, get some counseling for himself.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Thanks for being honest, but it really looks like you both have some many thing not in common. And being comfortable isn't enough reason for you to stay unhappy nor should the kids. 

Or sell the house and try it again with less expectations or as him if you can take care of that for him.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

Thanks for your honesty! The last time I know he took Xanax was in 1993 so unless it did some long term problems that is not the issue. He took it from 1987-1993. When I came along I convinced him he could get off of it, plus there were better, safer meds by then. I do agree with the depression but he won't help himself and he lies to the doctor. He won't even get his hearing checked. He will start exercising a month before his check-up so he can tell them he does exercise. He doesn't have a regular doctor and I think with HIPAA regulations they wouldn't listen to me much. 
Over time I have realized we don't have that much in common. He watches a lot of TV, I never have. He likes anything old...music, shows and what not. I tend to watch a newer show if I watch anything. I guess over the years and raising the kids I just didn't see it but now they are basically out of the house. He usually at night is working on his computer in front of the tv. I am usually doing house stuff (cooking, cleaning, bills). He does still make me laugh when he isn't fussing about politics or some other stuff. Most conversations are totally about his work or maybe a little about the kids. I can't remember the last time it wasn't.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

I like the analogy of relationships being like indoor plants...to survive and prosper long term they need care and water. When you don't put them in the right spot, feed water and prune...they start to die...slowly at first...and even then not completely though there may be parts that will never grow back the same...and then finally the roots. You can change course and try to resurrect...but you never know what you'll get. Even if it survives sometimes it will never look quite the same.

Sounds like your relationship has soil that hasn't been maintained and 'watered' in some time...doesn't matter who is at fault or how it started. Great intimate sex is the flower from a healthy plant...not the root.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

it sounds like you've just grown apart. Life, jobs and kids do this if you don't work at it. Our marriage is pretty the same, but I would still like some intimacy. My wife obviously thinks we are too far gone. Rather sad.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

southern_girl said:


> What am I missing here? Do men just stop having sex at 48?!



A man’s default natural and desire is to seek sex. Now that being said, many things attack that: low t, porn, meds, depression, past trauma, family of origin issues and resentment. The key is funding the culprit.

WRT low T, I have it and three different docs had three different opinions and three labs had three different ranges. The best level is the one where you aren’t symptomatic. Believe correct levels make a HUGE different in personality.

When it comes to marriage you have two camps: I’m perfectly content, I’m fine how I am and don’t owe you anything VS the key to a better marriage is the realization that you aren’t perfect, and owe your spouse better.

Face it... you’re married but sounds like you have familial love. In others words, no different than a sibling, parent or child. He really needs to answer and tell you why he gets to withhold love from his wife. But this is a joint problem, you can’t continue to chase someone who doesn’t want to be chased after. Nobody would act like this when they’re dating if they were serious about the possibility of marriage. He has a duty to present something worth desiring and he’s not. If they won’t budge you can still love, honor and cherish... just in different houses.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its really difficult to tell from a distance what is going on. I suspect the issue is not with the OP but with her husband. 

It sounds like he has always been somewhat low drive. No easy way to tell if that is because he is naturally low drive / asexual or gay. A lot of people hide their lack of interest in sex early in a marriage but eventually give up. 

Also difficult to tell if the porn is a cause or symptom. He may have replaced his sexual interest in his wife with porn, or he may not want sex , but still uses porn to get off. (sex and masturbation are very different things, there are people who don't want sex with other people but still masturbate).

Its a very difficult problem for the OP. Some of us here are in sexless or near-sexless marriages, and its truly miserable. I think the best approach may be:
@southern_girl Think about whether you can be happy in a marriage without sex. You need to be honest with yourself. If not, then set a time limit - maybe 6 months. As him to go to counseling. talk to him do whatever you can to see if there is a way to improve things, but if not, then divorce. Marriage vows are not vows of celibacy - it is completely reasonable to expect a good sex life in your marriage.

It may not be his fault - if he is gay or asexual, those are things he cannot control - but that still doesn't mean that you need to sacrifice your happiness. 

OTOH if you can be happy without sex, then it may be best to accept that as your situation. 

Honestly, I don't think its likely this will ever improve. I suggest the time limit so that your conscience is clear that you have done everything you can.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Think about whether you can be happy in a marriage without sex. You need to be honest with yourself. If not, then set a time limit - maybe 6 months.


I would give him a little bit longer... I don't think that, even with therapy, he will be able to shape a new mindset for himself in that time frame... maybe 12 months? I think it's a reasonable amount of time...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Among things that are issues and stood out to me is the fact your H let's your MIL say mean things to you, doesn't defend you to her if warranted and let's his relationship with his mother trump hus relationship with you. 

Him not cutting the apron strings enough to have an adult healthy relationship with his mother is a huge single problem. 

That single issue if cured will almost certainly eliminate a whole range of you two's relationship problems.

No healthy marriage puts a mother first all the time.

In circumstances where there is in home care of an aged or disabled parent a married couple doesn't use that as an excuse to never ever share intimacy and sex. 

He needs to be a man separated from mommy dearest. 

That will cure a myriad of your relationship ills.

Guaranteed.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think sex dies in a marriage if porn is involved. Young men can juggle porn and a wife perhaps but older guys probably can’t. If you could get him to throw it out he’d probably start begging for intimacy.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

The MIL was a problem for years. She does it in a "nice" way. When I do go there I just act cordial. She basically doesn't have much of a relationship with my kids because of the way she has treated me. I never felt so validated as when my daughter told me she could see it. My husband never defended me, not even the two times she left when I had just cooked dinner and had it on the table. He called his dad after 3 days and told me it was all a misunderstanding. I am probably referred to as the evil villian that took her son out of the denomination he grew up in. He left and attended a Baptist church on his own free will btw. She will give him sermons on cd when we go there but he brings them home and doesn't listen. I have always felt like he should just say NO, I don't want them. He is an only child if you guessed. He travels some so that is when he does most of his visiting with them....thank goodness!
The porn usage supposedly stopped back in 2013 when I caught him. He knows I am very savvy at finding stuff on the computer history and he wouldn't risk his work phone with it. If he looks it would probably have to be a magazine, lol. Like I said before I will readily admit I can't compare to those women...not many can! I would rather it had been an affair than porn, at least I could see the purpose behind that. I feel that the strict religious upbringing is definitely the reason behind a lot of the secretness of his alienation. Don't get me wrong, I was brought up religious also but not like his was.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

I really like the idea of a timeline. I probably won't bring this out until a couple of months that way I can get a good handle on the savings and I am about to have surgery. This surgery will throw me into menopause so I might just end up blurting it out as soon as the hormone imbalance kicks in, lol. I still can't imagine it affecting my sex drive (desire). It has always been high.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

southern_girl said:


> I still can't imagine it affecting my sex drive (desire). It has always been high.


It might do... who knows... my wife's menopause obliterated the remaining 10% of sex drive she had left... :smile2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So my doc put me on an anti depressant when I gained a bunch of weight. My drive disappeared. I literally didn't care if I ever saw boobs again. Completely solved my depression (I was depressed that I wasn't getting sex I wanted) so no want, no depression, no sex. So a medication review by a medical professional is a good idea.

Isolation and living in a house that mocks you is wearing on both of you. I'd tend to focus on that.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

Well the medicine is only one for him and he was like this before it. The house thing is getting there. To do it totally we would have to refinance and I am trying to work around that in case we do divorce. Even to relocate we would have to take out a much larger mortgage. I am too much of a bean counter than to do all that right now. Money is a security to me BUT I am the bill payer and budget person. I know how much it cost to live!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The question many face is would they sacrifice sex, relational happiness of any kind, (or insert subject here) for financial gain or more literally financial security.

If H never changes will you leave him over "this". And "this" being a sum of all the issues.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with the comment that desire for one's spouse usually does not die of its own accord, but is killed. I am in my 50s. I have zero desire for my wife. I chose to kill it. She had no desire for me. I wasn't willing to leave her. So I killed the drive that was driving me crazy.

No, most men in their 50s don't stop having desire for sex. And no, it isn't healthy to stay with someone who has no desire for you. My advice: get out before you hate yourself as much as I hate me.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

So you say that you are your husband's only buddy. But what do you two do together? Do you actually enjoy the time you share with him or does it feel like you're constantly dragging him to activities regardless of what they are?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

12 months may not be long enough. You may not have a desire after surgery. Time will tell. That will affect him, likely. He knows you want sex. 

See all of the issues? There is so much more than one. If you want to be married, you have to work hard on many different things, just like everyone. I don't mean housework. That needs shared. Even if you are staying at home, he needs to do something to help out. He needs to show you he respects you. He isn't. I imagine that hurts you as much as anything. 

Make a plan and try to stick with it. If your marriage and all the years you both have put into it is worth it, timelines are almost an insult. Most couples don't really talk, but make suggestions and do things which they don't realize are missed by those unable to see past their own nose. When depressed, a person has tunnel vision. They cannot see what is beyond themselves. It's vicious and very hurtful to a partner trying to get some attention. 

In the end, it's your decision. You have to do what you think is best. No one here can tell you how to fix things, but only make suggestions. You have to decide what to try. I think very few here are professional counselors. I'm not. 

This is a long term decision. It's very serious and will change your life. Take your time figuring out what to do.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

Yes, as far as a buddy to do stuff with, I am it (or my daughter). He doesn't really do anything with any guys outside of work. Never has. 
I know timelines are insulting but after 8 years of dealing with this I am tired! It would change many, many things and I do not take my vows lightly. I might still be here next year who knows. I am a planner and like to weigh my options. I would not have an affair but it feels like he pushes me that way. I was shocked to see that my parents even wonder why I am here and they don't know the sex/intimacy part.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

southern_girl said:


> Yes, as far as a buddy to do stuff with, I am it (or my daughter). He doesn't really do anything with any guys outside of work. Never has.
> I know timelines are insulting but after 8 years of dealing with this I am tired! It would change many, many things and* I do not take my vows lightly*. I might still be here next year who knows. I am a planner and like to weigh my options. I would not have an affair but it feels like he pushes me that way. I was shocked to see that my parents even wonder why I am here and they don't know the sex/intimacy part.


I've heard this so many times, but have never heard anyone's vows regarding frequency or styles of sexual relations. 

https://www.brides.com/story/traditional-wedding-vows-for-non-demoninational-weddings

I'm sorry I have not simply condoned and supported your predetermined goals for coming here. You must not rely on others for justification of your personal decisions. Divorce, but don't lay blame. Do it because that's what you want. In the end, that's the bare bones reason. 

Good luck and take care.


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## southern_girl (Dec 23, 2012)

I mention the vows just to say that I believe in commitment; not saying that the vows have anything regarding sexual relations. I am trying to work it out but it is very hard when it has not been talked about for so long. I am not looking to base my decision on anything but my situation. It has been very helpful hearing other's perspectives though. Sometimes we all have tunnel vision when we have been in a situation for a while.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

southern_girl,

Not sure, but I think it was just asserted by another poster you have predetermined goals in coming here, and you’re fishing for someone to give you the green light. Maybe I misunderstood, or missed the intent behind it. But, if it really just happened, I’d like to say I find such an assertion unfortunate at best, intimidating in a way that is counter to the goal of you being able to clearly and honestly sort through your complex situation, and presumptuous.

Sure, we should all guard against less than conscious agendas in ourselves. But, FWIW, I saw nothing in what you wrote that suggested that’s why you’re here.

I support the notion you should make up your mind based upon your own thought process, and I trust that you will. I’m sure you will find many of us have biases, based on our experiences and how we have succeeded and failed. 

While I’m here, I’ll confess my bias is towards leaving a situation like yours — which makes me a hypocrite in a way since I have yet to leave mine. But, I’m also familiar with the costs of staying for a very long time, hoping for a turnaround.

Regarding vows — like anything else I think it’s up to you to decide what they meant at the time and how they should or not factor into your decision. There should be no shame in doing so, IMHO.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I disagree with a couple of points made by other posters:

1. give it plenty of time
I think 8 years of being unhappy IS plenty of time. More than enough to know that more time, by itself, is not likely to change anything. Instead, I suggest telling your H that this is serious, and urgent. That you feel your love for him slipping away. And that you need his help to maintain your love for him. Make it clear that time is working AGAINST him. That what you want most is for your love toward him to grow over time. But that is not what is happening now. And you need his help to prevent a further decline.
This is a talk you should only have once. If he doesn't make any changes, you can use "drive by honesty" after that. Just random comments as you pass in the hall like "love still going down" or "still waiting for those changes". If he wants to turn those comments into another talk, stand firm. "I have already said everything I have to say. The ball is in your court to take action. Or not. Your choice. I can't make you love me the way I need to be loved. You have to want to do it for yourself." Then walk away.

If this is really your "hill to die on", then I would only give him 3 to 6 months to make changes. Otherwise you are just throwing good time after bad.

2. no vows about sex
Simply false. 
In Protestant vows, "To have and to hold" means to be available sexually. Jewish weddings include each couple reciting in Hebrew "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" as they exchange rings. Catholics may be asked to vow "to give yourselves to each other in marriage".
All of these vows are referring at least partly to being available sexually. Marriages are conducted in public, often / usually with children present. So the vows are not worded overtly. But the underlying meaning is clear. Each spouse is vowing to be available to the other sexually.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Marriage is one of the few institutions where there are no repercussions from non-disclosure. Its like buying a house “as-is” without an inspection.

You’re gonna have fights about all sorts of stuff especially if you hid it or downplayed it.

If he had a porn/booze/drug habit... tough
If she/he gave you audition sex and shut off the tap... tough
If he quit romancing you and hangs out with his buddies all the time now... tough
If he was really a workaholic... tough
If he/she is emotionally avoidant.. tough 
If you didn’t want kids and she changes her mind and gets pregnant.. tough
If she is extremely insecure and put up a false front then dropped it... tough
If he really didn’t get over his ex... tough 
If he’s a slob... tough
If he’s a terrible provider... tough
If she has a shopping addiction... tough
If he had money problems before... tough
If she has sexual trauma she hid... tough
If she doesn’t feel like presenting something desirable... tough

This is why premarital counseling is SO important. It’s likely the first time your baggage will be put on display and a path to self-improvement mapped out. Accepting someone with no expectation of improving themselves means you’re not likely to get your needs met long term.


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