# Husband Financial Abuses



## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Need help. My husband decided about 5 months ago that I should be removed from the joint family checking account. I only agreed bc he guilted me into it saying I spent too much money. Mostly I spend on my 4 kids bc they are always hungry, needing a sports item for school (needs basically, not wants). I came to find out that he had racked up almost the same amount of money on his credit card from buying a $4500 bike for himself! But I wanted to help do what was right I figured. He does not share with me how much money he makes. He owns his own firm so I never know exactly. He is the only one privy to the checking act balances and I do not get to see his card balance or spending. I know this is financial abuse. He is being controlling with the money. First he was giving me a monthly allowance to get my hair done but then that stopped. So he gives me nothing. He pays a small bit on a credit card for me to buy food for our 4 kids. Christmas was extremely stressful trying to buy my children gifts and going over budget. I have to sell things online to get money for whatever I need/want. But I still have all my household chores/kids/cleaning. I feel like if he had to hire a nanny and I wasn't around she would be better off than me bc she would at least get paid plus room and board! 

I was willing to go along with this if we truly didn't have enough money. However he goes on outings/lunches with guys buying liquor/bar tabs, et. I never do any of this. I never go out to lunch, never go on girl weekends, never take a lesson. I quit working out to save money. He screamed at me last week when I opened a random bottle of wine (I hardly drink it, he drinks a lot) bc I wanted to use it a cup for cooking. I thought it was a $20 bottle. He screams it was a $90 bottle I'm like wtf? why are you buying such an expensive bottle? 

Anyways, today he got paid and he tells me he is buying a bicycle trainer. So he's gonna come home tonight with a $1500 bicycle thing. I am pissed. I can't spend a dime, I can't see our finances, I have no idea what he does on his credit card. I know this isn't fair. I don't know what to do.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you talked to him about this?

Have you thought do getting a job and having your own money that way or will he not let you work?

Why won't he let you get school things for the kids?

You are married and have a right to see the finances, especially if something were to happen to him you would want to know what has been going on with finances.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where does he keep all the paperwork for the finances?

Sounds like you need to get a job. That way you have your own money. Let him then hire a nanny and pay for that.

You also need to find out our legal rights here. What he is doing is wrong. 



You need to find a counselor who specializes in domestic abuse. Here is the hotline number and website.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thank you two. I have told him I would get a job. But we have children at home (one in grade school) and he tells me that was not our arrangement... meaning I need to be here with him after school. The thing is I do make my own side money because I work really hard and I sell literally anything I can, or find things to resale. He says, well you have money. I just don't feel this is fair or right. I cant see anything in our joint checking. He is allowed to buy things with family money but I have to go sell out of my closet or make things to sell on top of my mother/housekeeping job. 

By the way it gets hard to deal with bc he is kind of a jerk to me. Not that nice, acts like unless I am tripping over myself to make his life easy I'm a nusaince. He is short tempered, angry, tired a lot. I'm the kind of wife who does everything around the house, always makes him dinner/breakfast/lunch... even walks it upstairs to him. A counselor told us I enable him.

It gets worse... for years I helped our finances by using money I was given by my parents. I wanted to use it just for our home. But as time went on he basically said I need to use it to pay for our bills/taxes/ kids schools /credit cards or else we would have to move. I love my house. So you can see why I am reluctant to share any side money I earn (which isn't a lot). Bc he will have me paying bills with it in a heartbeat. I this wrong of me ? I feel like I can't share if he is going to be so possessive with the money.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

I told him today that I had a right to see everything and it was an ultimatum. I told him that is right, if I had to hire a nanny to do my job at home she would be better off than me! She would get to live in our house and eat our food and she would get paid!!! I only get to live here and eat what I make. I get no access to cash. If i want to buy something I have to sell something. 

Does he not get it? why am I even here? he's not that nice or kind or loving to me anymore anyways. I'm always depressed or arguing with him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know where he keeps all of the financial records? This is an important question.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Hi, thx you are the only one helping me! No, I cant find any statements for the checking acct bc he keeps it all online. I've looked. He also keeps his credit card online only. I don't have access or know his password. Last fall I pressed him on it and he logged in and let me see the month... and of course that was when he had a huge charge for a bicycle. I don't think he's bought anything big but I don't know. 
This is pathetic isn't it.. I literally have no idea what comes in to the family account and no idea what he charges. Although he knows what I charge and it is little.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

You need to get your own money. He said you not staying home was not part of the agreement. I don't think you being the servant while he wines and dines like some bigshot was part of the agreement either. At least get your own account where you can safely have your money you get from your sales. Don't have it cash at home. Don't tell him how much you have.

If the bills are his responsibility and the children are yours then demand that he pays you back your parents' money you spent on bills that were his responsibility to handle in the first place. If he refuses, just sell his stupid bike or other stuff he doesn't use. He owes you money. (selling his stuff depends on the legal situation at your place of residence, but demanding of him to pay you back is always legal)

Was there ever any physical abuse or are you afraid that he could become violent towards you? 

Do your parents know of your situation?

Was there any event that could have triggered this behaviour? Do you think there could be problems with his company? 

Is there a possibility of another woman?

One other thing, your H behaves more like an owner or employer than a H. Why do you stay with him? 

Ever thought about D? How about getting legal council about your situation, first consultations are often free and some women's organizations may provide council? Also inform yourself online about your state's divorce and family laws.


To me he just sounds like a major a-hole and bully. You deserve better than being treated like a servant.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redpoppies34 said:


> Hi, thx you are the only one helping me!


That is because you posted in a forum that few people visit. I'd like to move your thread to "General Relationship Discussions" so that more people read it.

Let me know if this is ok with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redpoppies34 said:


> I told him today that I had a right to see everything and it was an ultimatum. I told him that is right, if I had to hire a nanny to do my job at home she would be better off than me! She would get to live in our house and eat our food and she would get paid!!! I only get to live here and eat what I make. I get no access to cash. If i want to buy something I have to sell something.
> 
> Does he not get it? why am I even here? he's not that nice or kind or loving to me anymore anyways. I'm always depressed or arguing with him.


If it was an ultimatum, what did you tell him you would do if he did not give you access to money and all your marital financial records?

Just so you know (in case you do not), his accounts are your marital financial records since every penny he earns is marital income/property. 

He says that you working was not part of the deal that the two of you had. Was him withholding money and financial information part of the deal? I doubt it. Did you point that out to him?



redpoppies34 said:


> Hi, thx you are the only one helping me! No, I cant find any statements for the checking acct bc he keeps it all online. I've looked. He also keeps his credit card online only. I don't have access or know his password. Last fall I pressed him on it and he logged in and let me see the month... and of course that was when he had a huge charge for a bicycle. I don't think he's bought anything big but I don't know.
> 
> This is pathetic isn't it.. I literally have no idea what comes in to the family account and no idea what he charges. Although he knows what I charge and it is little.


I have a few suggestions. 

Now that you have given him an ultimatum and he’s just rejected everything you said, it’s time for you to act. See if you do not follow through on your ultimatum, he will read that as justification to abuse you even more.

So you need to start acting on your ultimatum. You need to get a job. Don’t ask him. Don’t tell him. Just do it. After you have a job, let him know that he will need to put out money to pay for a nanny/sitter.

At the same time that you are job hunting, you need to find his financial records. You said that he has a business. Does he run his business out of the home or does he have an office in some other building?

There is a way for you to find out his passwords. Are you willing to do some snooping?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He is so wrong not discussing finances with you.

Is there a chance that he would abuse you, if you press the matter on wanting to know about the finances?

Tell him you have a right to the information, especially if something were to happen to him/ Because where it stands now you would not be able to access anything.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You make your own side money how?
So you have your own account, and he has his own account, and there is a joint account? 

Are you guys in Financial trouble that makes him be controlling with money?

Do you have a prenup?

Just to let you know... he doesn't have the final say. If you want to get a job and work, you can. Who cares what he says... he isn't the boss of you. You don't need his permission. 

Also, he sounds like an *******. If I were you I would make sure to have my own assets on the side, incase he try's to screw your over.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Even my mom who never worked a day in her life, had a secret bank account. Our girlfriend has one too and her husband only found out about it 20 years after they married, and wanted it when he lost all of their money. He gave her an ultimatum and she gave in. Now she is stuck with a compulsive gambler for the rest of her life since she is 64 with very limited options. Find a way to squirrel money away. The only way you can be an independent person is to work. Every woman in our company has kids at home but still manages to come to work every day. 

Talk to him. I am having a hard time understanding your problem. Why can't you get a credit card? My wife does not need my permission to get a credit card, even when she stopped working. She just lists me as her husband and they run a credit check and she can get all the credit cards she wants. So why can't you do that? If you are the account holder, he cannot cancel your cards. He may not pay the bill, but that will also affect his credit score too. Just an idea. 

Work from home or part time. My wife worked from our home for 11 years. Then she became a real estate agent because she could work flexible hours and only when she wanted to. There are many ways for you to make your own money. If you do not, you will always be financially dependent on a man. Many a wife has stayed with a husband because she could not afford to divorce, or did not want to do so because it meant going to work. Your own money will set you free or at least give you peace of mine. As the song goes, God bless the child that has his own.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Well one way to get control of your finances is to divorce him, you will know what your income is then because it will be child support and alimony.

He sounds like a control freak, by limiting your financial freedom he limits any influences that he can't control. You can't go to a gym and meet other people, you can't go to lunch or girls night out where you may meet someone or simply talk about him and get "ideas" in your head. Even when you had access to the money and you truly spent like crazy you still have a right to know what money there now and where it is going. 

If you are not afraid of him physically or terrified at ending up divorced you have some options. You force him to share all the financials or you file for divorce. You go get a jog regardless of what he says.

If you are leaning toward divorce do not tip your hand and use it as a threat, you don't want to give him time to hide or divert assets. Talk with an attorney first, many will give a free consult so you at least have an idea of your rights.

Or just continue living as you are, sometimes just venting about a situation makes us feel better, TAM is always a good place to vent.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

redpoppies34 said:


> Need help. My husband decided about 5 months ago that I should be removed from the joint family checking account. I only agreed bc he guilted me into it saying I spent too much money. Mostly I spend on my 4 kids bc they are always hungry, needing a sports item for school (needs basically, not wants). I came to find out that he had racked up almost the same amount of money on his credit card from buying a $4500 bike for himself! But I wanted to help do what was right I figured. He does not share with me how much money he makes. He owns his own firm so I never know exactly. He is the only one privy to the checking act balances and I do not get to see his card balance or spending. I know this is financial abuse. He is being controlling with the money. First he was giving me a monthly allowance to get my hair done but then that stopped. So he gives me nothing. He pays a small bit on a credit card for me to buy food for our 4 kids. Christmas was extremely stressful trying to buy my children gifts and going over budget. I have to sell things online to get money for whatever I need/want. But I still have all my household chores/kids/cleaning. I feel like if he had to hire a nanny and I wasn't around she would be better off than me bc she would at least get paid plus room and board!
> .


I have a bad news for you - this jackass will never change. 

Yes, you need to get a job but also you have to think of the exit strategy. Once you get a job and be able to provide for yourself and kids, you life will be easier financially but remain the same hell emotionally. Be prepare to be screwed when he sees the opportunity.

You may want to waste your time for talking to him, counseling and mediation. Please do, if you need the confirmation that he is an ass.
I've been there, seen it. 

You have to get a job, stand up for your self and find another man instead of the controlling piece of crap.

Dedicating your life to children and professional development is another option.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

You're right. This is financial abuse. He's forcing you to sell your stuff to pay for his children's food and your own needs. That's disgusting. See a lawyer and use an average salary amount you can search online for his occupation and get a real child support and alimony estimate then lay it on the table for him. Show him how much he will be paying you once you file and tell him he either goes to counseling and opens the accounts to you so that you don't have to live poor while he spends away or you will file and get the money your kids deserve that way. This is his LAST chance and if he blows it, you need to get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave. It won't get better and it's extremely unfair to your kids for you to stay with a man who would rather buy expensive bike parts than feed and clothe them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are a grown woman, get a job if you want a job! Period!

You need to divorce this man.. like yesterday.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> You are a grown woman, get a job if you want a job! Period!
> 
> 
> 
> You need to divorce this man.. like yesterday.




This. ^^^^

The other poster was right. He will never change. 

And OP you need to respond to Elegirl and let her move this thread to a more trafficked forum.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

redpoppies34 said:


> Thank you two. I have told him I would get a job. But we have children at home (one in grade school) and he tells me that was not our arrangement... meaning I need to be here with him after school. The thing is I do make my own side money because I work really hard and I sell literally anything I can, or find things to resale. He says, well you have money. I just don't feel this is fair or right. I cant see anything in our joint checking. He is allowed to buy things with family money but I have to go sell out of my closet or make things to sell on top of my mother/housekeeping job.


Well, if you're going to let an abusive ass-clown dictate what you do, then you'll continue to have NO options. Your kid will do just fine in after school care, so stop using him as an excuse to stay home. I'll ALSO assume your other kids are older, and not all under 5 years old and still at home, so one of *them* can just as easily care for the one younger one after school.

Stop making excuses to stay right where you are, begging for every dollar you need from this troglodyte. Who knows, once you become financially independent, maybe you'll realize what a jackass you married and leave him.


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