# Why Did She Bother To Marry Me?



## sczinger

I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753

After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


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## Mr.Married

I think in a lot of cases trying to understand "why" only brings more or a longer duration of grief. This is one thing that many never really get a closure on.


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## Ursula

Mr.Married said:


> I think in a lot of cases trying to understand "why" only brings more or a longer duration of grief. This is one thing that many never really get a closure on.


I agree with this, 100%, and fell into that trap myself. Tried and tried to figure out what happened, where did I go wrong, etc., and drove myself to the brink of being nuts-o. So, I stopped. I have a lot of theories about my previous marriage and the "whys", but I'll never know for sure, and it doesn't matter. What matters is how I conduct myself now, what choices I make now (which haven't always been stellar, but hey, I'm human). Much luck to you, @sczinger, I hope you find your peace soon.


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## SentHereForAReason

To use a term from Pirates of the Caribbean, it's a Fools Errand to chase some of these answers too deep, as has been pretty much said above. I think it's good that you are working on reflection and there's no harm in trying to find some of the whys and the truth but it will only get us so far because many of the decisions aren't based in logic or rational. 

I to this day, as much as I like to try and help others, still look for 'answers' in my case as well but understand there's only so far I can go until it just makes no sense and the sooner you realize that, the better. 

I catch good nuggets of info every now and then that really stick with me and pertaining to this, I read where people that are willing to commit infidelity, don't, a lot of the times, base their decisions on what's just, what's logical, what's right, etc. They base their decisions on 'feelings' and specifically how they are feeling at that given time and give in to those urges, entitlements, feelings. It's likely your EW, at the time, had a strong feeling to marry you and enjoyed it, convinced herself it was the right thing to do and it felt good at the time. Then she found other feelings and other things that made her feel good.

And that's just it. People that are strong and committed have feelings too but they factor in real life, logic and what the 'right' thing to do is. They attempt to work on things, communicate, give it all they have and understand, life, marriage, etc are not easy. It takes work, daily work. People that are ripe for affairs or conduct them make themselves believe that it should always be easy, you should always have those feelings that you get at the beginning of a relationship or else you aren't compatible, etc. That's what separates someone of great character vs. someone that lives on a feeling.


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## 3Xnocharm

You wont move forward if you keep thinking like this. You will never have an answer, so don't torment yourself.


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## Evinrude58

Because she wanted to. 

She wanted to get married and/or have a wedding. Then she wanted to cheat.

No understanding why she wanted to.
Don’t try. Move forward.


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## honcho

You were together for a long time prior to marriage,a wedding brings excitement and makes her center of attention. For many people after 8 plus years being together getting married doesn't bring a new level of love or commitment, it's a piece of paper, gifts and a fun day and distraction from the routines of life. 

You've also got to quit focusing on things like this, you'll never find an answer you want. Quit recognizing dates like her birthday or 6 month anv of dday or wedding anv in future. They are just a day in the week. Quit dwelling. You must make to effort to stop, it's too easy to fall back into it. I wallowed and dwelled on the questions with no answers for too long myself and your going to come to the inevitable of acceptance that she did it, she did it because she wanted to. Stop fighting the inevitable.


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## happiness27

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


You're a hot dude - she's the one missing out. I'm sure it smacks like crazy but there's a ton of other much more appreciative ladies out there who are going to enjoy your company and appreciate the person you are. I did read your backstory link and I think at the very least you can be glad the marriage was over as fast as it was. She wasn't a commitment person and certainly has no integrity since she was willing to break up someone else's relationship on top of her own. Frankly, she sounds like she has become a shallow, selfish person and you deserve someone who's going to rock your world every day.


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## sokillme

Probably because of how it made her feel. How it made HER feel. That's the thing, it's not a good reason. You marry someone because you want to love them and give to them not because of how they make YOU feel. 

The main answer is that though, it was always about her not you. 

Just keep moving forward. It gets easier.


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## sunsetmist

My opinion:

One has to make a decision how they want to live their lives AHEAD of time--not in the heat of the moment or moments (emotion). I will not cheat, get too drunk, drive while drinking, do drugs, steal, murder, etc.

Once on a wayward course the slippery slope is just too easy. So, decide ahead of time what you are going to do when placed in a difficult position and meanwhile develop the self-discipline to follow through--that's what integrity is. This is NEVER easy, but is a choice/choices.

Selfishness is too big a part of choosing the wrong path--I deserve, I don't deserve, fock him/her. Also, have a plan how do deal when these dangerous times/feelings arise. Figure out what you stand for so no one else can easily lead you astray.

Does this always work,of course not, but it is a start.


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## sunsetmist

OK, worried about my above post, because I KNOW a series of difficult moments will NOW slap me in the face and a few other places!!


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## TAMAT

Perhaps your WW had been in an affair with this OM before she married you and you were her plan B guy so she may just have been a good actress. Something changed and the OM pushed more for her, possibly because she got married.

I suspect I was my WWs plan B, and had OM1 had money, stability or trustworthyness my WW would not have married me. 

How has OM been dealt with?

Tamat


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## arbitrator

3Xnocharm said:


> *You wont move forward if you keep thinking like this. You will never have an answer, so don't torment yourself.*


*Not a truthful answer, anyway!*


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## lifeistooshort

I have a slightly different theory I'll throw out there. 

8 1/2 years is a long time to date and not get married..... unless you're teenagers. I hypothesize that she'd invested so much into this that she wanted marriage but secretly resented that you waited so long, or was just otherwise unhappy but didn't have the backbone to end things. 

Then when you finally married she decided for whatever reason you really weren't that great of a deal. I know, if she felt that way why did she marry you?

I agree it's crappy but it's the sunk cost fallacy. You get fixated on what you think you want because you invested a lot into it but once you get it you start to realize you didn't want it that much. 

Just my theory. 

Can I ask why it took that long?


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## Decorum

Look at what she did mate.

Would you do that to someone?

So where do you think the problem lies?

Btw, I would love to hear if any karma comes her way or that of the other man.


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## Mr.Married

sczinger said:


> I'.


I'm sure the girls will agree you do look like you will have any problem getting a date.....chin up brother


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## [email protected]

Don’t bother trying to figure out what went wrong. It’s obvious she was not ready for commitment. Thankfully it was early in the marriage ! You need to find a woman who takes those vows seriously . I really feel like she did you a favor, you need a woman not a girl!


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## Hope Shimmers

There's nothing you can do to change how she decided to live her life. It was her decision. It wasn't about you doing anything wrong. 

You just married the wrong person. It's that simple. 

Like I said before, she will regret it, and you will have the last laugh. The best part is though, by that time you won't care.


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## sczinger

TAMAT said:


> Perhaps your WW had been in an affair with this OM before she married you and you were her plan B guy so she may just have been a good actress. Something changed and the OM pushed more for her, possibly because she got married.
> 
> I suspect I was my WWs plan B, and had OM1 had money, stability or trustworthyness my WW would not have married me.
> 
> How has OM been dealt with?
> 
> Tamat


 @TAMAT The OM/AP asked his wife for a separation. When she discovered all the emails and phone calls between the two of them, she told him NO!. She filed for divorce and theirs was final in April. Not what he wanted... Now he pays child support for the next 7 years for his 11-year-old daughter along with maintenance to his wife and he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret. Now there's a good foundation for a lasting relationship.


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## jlg07

"he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret." 
Maybe YOU should change that? A quick anonymous note to their HR department ...?

EDT: Sorry, just remembered her boss is the best friend of the owner, so no HR. Sorry about that. However, HE got no prize with her for sure. Karma will eventually smack them both.

I DO understand though you wanting to know so that you don't make the same "mistakes" in the future. The thing is, YOU didn't make any mistakes (other than not calling her on it when you caught her in the car "talking" -- your job or me type of thing).


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## Taxman

Well, depending on the size of the company, and given that your divorce is final, I would go scorched earth on the two of them. Report them to HR, and let them try to subsist on unemployment. I have been known to recommend revenge of the highest order after something of this magnitude occurs in a marriage. Marriages are trusts. The two waywards used their positions in the company, and their spouses' trust in them to have their extra marital contact. Let them pay for that now. A little humiliation for both parties, and huge losses for each of them. I have told several clients to hold their water during divorce proceedings. Told them to not rat out the spouse, until it could do the most damage to that spouse. I had one WW who did carry on with the boss. She was the "Office wife", and they'd keep it under wraps when any other employee was around, however, she was seeing to his lunches, cleaning up his office, and according to her ex H, primping every morning for a year. All the things he did not get, her working on her appearance and doing all sorts of acts of service. When he found out, she pleaded with him to not out them. She would go quietly. No spousal support, and he kept their house, she even waived him buying her out. Her boss was on the hook for spousal, but they had no children. He was also paying off credit card debt, and a mortgage.

I told my client all through the seven months leading up to his decree, that he would keep his mouth shut. After the decree, we made an appointment with his attorney and we walked through the scenario, beforehand. The lawyer agreed that we would not incur any liability. He made a courtesy call to the boss' ex wife. Apprised her that he would be missing his spousal support shortly. She was OK as long as her ex suffered. SO....

One Monday morning, we make the call from my office. It goes directly to the director of Human resources at their company. We are in possession of their internal code of conduct. We quote paragraph, and chapter back to the director. We ask if she wants evidence, as we are quite prepared to show her confidential emails, etc etc. No need, the complaint is sufficient, as there have been unconfirmed charges made over the last little while, AND the two of them getting divorces just a few months apart spoke volumes. 

We waited til nearly the end of the business day. I got the call from my client that his ex wife had just called. On another line, the boss' ex wife left me a message. Both of the ex-spouses were livid, and highly frustrated. The exWife wanted to know why he was so vindictive. Why would he want her to be penniless and alone? He laughed at her. He said that he would not be satisfied until he saw her begging on street corners. The exBoss was content to call his ex wife every name in the book, telling her over and over that she had just ruined him, and she could expect to NOT be paid that month. She sent him back a message that she would ensure that those payments get made. We waited until he secured other employment, at a vastly reduced rate, and then garnisheed the crap out of him. Unfortunately, I could only attach half of his pay.


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## sa58

Sounds like she has a lot of issues.
The whole situation sounds like a lot
of crap. They deserve each other. 
Run do not walk away from her.
Let them deal with this mess.
You found out early in the marriage.
You got lucky.


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## BluesPower

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


Like everyone has said, you just almost never know. It is really crazy to try and figure it out. 

But one thing you can do IS not make the same mistakes. While I don't recommend my path to everyone, I did eventually find a SUPER great woman that I love deeply and loves me. 

However, her and all the other GF's were on a really short leash. One shady thing, on bit of unnecessary drama, on hint of disrespect and they were history. Had to get rid of some really great ones. 

But I can tell you that when you actually truly find "true" love, you just know it and it is the best thing ever. 

It is the getting there that takes time. But the #1 rule for that, is not to put up with any type of BS from the relationship, not one drop...


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## TJW

sczinger said:


> @TAMAT Now he pays child support for the next 7 years for his 11-year-old daughter along with maintenance to his wife and he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret. Now there's a good foundation for a lasting relationship.


That's the kind of "solid" foundation which ALL marriages begun in adultery have. No matter whether you call it God, karma, payback, whatever.... there are LAWS in the universe which, when broken, give people very poor lives following.

I must applaud..... justice is done.


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## michzz

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


You will never know the duration of the cheating, despite assurances from your ex. Her word means nothing.

As for why she would waste your time getting married and then moving on shortly thereafter?

You do realize that your mindset is not hers.

She is a selfish, entitled cheater. do you really want to understand that?

Move on, limit your financial hit and live well.

She is not worth any more grief from you.


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## Decorum

Taxman said:


> Well, depending on the size of the company, and given that your divorce is final, I would go scorched earth on the two of them. Report them to HR, and let them try to subsist on unemployment. I have been known to recommend revenge of the highest order after something of this magnitude occurs in a marriage. Marriages are trusts. The two waywards used their positions in the company, and their spouses' trust in them to have their extra marital contact. Let them pay for that now. A little humiliation for both parties, and huge losses for each of them. I have told several clients to hold their water during divorce proceedings. Told them to not rat out the spouse, until it could do the most damage to that spouse. I had one WW who did carry on with the boss. She was the "Office wife", and they'd keep it under wraps when any other employee was around, however, she was seeing to his lunches, cleaning up his office, and according to her ex H, primping every morning for a year. All the things he did not get, her working on her appearance and doing all sorts of acts of service. When he found out, she pleaded with him to not out them. She would go quietly. No spousal support, and he kept their house, she even waived him buying her out. Her boss was on the hook for spousal, but they had no children. He was also paying off credit card debt, and a mortgage.
> 
> I told my client all through the seven months leading up to his decree, that he would keep his mouth shut. After the decree, we made an appointment with his attorney and we walked through the scenario, beforehand. The lawyer agreed that we would not incur any liability. He made a courtesy call to the boss' ex wife. Apprised her that he would be missing his spousal support shortly. She was OK as long as her ex suffered. SO....
> 
> One Monday morning, we make the call from my office. It goes directly to the director of Human resources at their company. We are in possession of their internal code of conduct. We quote paragraph, and chapter back to the director. We ask if she wants evidence, as we are quite prepared to show her confidential emails, etc etc. No need, the complaint is sufficient, as there have been unconfirmed charges made over the last little while, AND the two of them getting divorces just a few months apart spoke volumes.
> 
> We waited til nearly the end of the business day. I got the call from my client that his ex wife had just called. On another line, the boss' ex wife left me a message. Both of the ex-spouses were livid, and highly frustrated. The exWife wanted to know why he was so vindictive. Why would he want her to be penniless and alone? He laughed at her. He said that he would not be satisfied until he saw her begging on street corners. The exBoss was content to call his ex wife every name in the book, telling her over and over that she had just ruined him, and she could expect to NOT be paid that month. She sent him back a message that she would ensure that those payments get made. We waited until he secured other employment, at a vastly reduced rate, and then garnisheed the crap out of him. Unfortunately, I could only attach half of his pay.


I think OM is the best friend of the guy who owns the restaurant, but you really would achieve superman status if you have a idea how their Nemesis might transpire.

Please, please, please!


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## sczinger

michzz said:


> You will never know the duration of the cheating, despite assurances from your ex. Her word means nothing.
> 
> As for why she would waste your time getting married and then moving on shortly thereafter?
> 
> You do realize that your mindset is not hers.
> 
> She is a selfish, entitled cheater. do you really want to understand that?
> 
> Move on, limit your financial hit and live well.
> 
> She is not worth any more grief from you.


Even when she was leaving she denied any affair. With all of the proof she continues to deny anything happened. Of course, now that both of our divorces are final both WSs say that they have become very close since they were both going through a divorce together. How convenient.


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## MattMatt

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


Maybe he was a shiny, new toy for her?

Have you any way of finding out why she did it?

Did she break her first marriage, too?


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## michzz

michzz said:


> You will never know the duration of the cheating, despite assurances from your ex. Her word means nothing.
> 
> As for why she would waste your time getting married and then moving on shortly thereafter?
> 
> You do realize that your mindset is not hers.
> 
> She is a selfish, entitled cheater. do you really want to understand that?
> 
> Move on, limit your financial hit and live well.
> 
> She is not worth any more grief from you.





sczinger said:


> Even when she was leaving she denied any affair. With all of the proof she continues to deny anything happened. Of course, now that both of our divorces are final both WSs say that they have become very close since they were both going through a divorce together. How convenient.





MattMatt said:


> Maybe he was a shiny, new toy for her?
> 
> Have you any way of finding out why she did it?
> 
> Did she break her first marriage, too?


Birds of a feather jump into the sewer together and call it a perfumed bath.


Move on, wiser, let your lumps heal up.

BTW, it took my ex 34 years (married 32), that is 2 years after the divorce, to admit that the earliest infidelity went on all during the time we were engaged and into the first year of marriage. Only stopped since we moved 800 miles away for school together. why she coughed up that fun fact at that time? Who knows.


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## Taxman

Now that you are divorced and all of it is engraved in stone, I highly recommend that they be outed to their company. Tell HR that you needed to wait until you had the decree in hand, however, bluff the hell out of them and say that you are considering litigation and publicly disclosing that the company was fine with promoting an atmosphere that led to the destruction of your marriage. Demand at the minimum that both be terminated for cause. (Cause you want their lives ruined). One of my clients went so far as to report her husband to his professional organization. He was an accountant, like me, and she engaged me after they split Apparently he started an affair with a client company's internal accountant. In our by-laws, that is a no-no of the highest magnitude, that is impacting negatively on the public perception of our profession. He was brought up before the council and stripped. Period. His XW provided the council with a lot of damning evidence. In order to re-qualify, he will have to return to school, then take the examination. That is an eight year process. The man is in his fifties. So, I am fairly certain that will not be in the cards for him. He, resented the hell out of his AP, and made her life a living hell. Misplaced projection if you ask me, as it takes two to tango. So, the AP is still working at the company. He is no longer the external accountant. His ex is living quite well. I do her taxes, and I noticed this year in her CC statement, that she was on two dating sites that cater to the over 50 crowd. I was bold enough to set her up with another client. He is one hell of a guy, firefighter who is getting really close to retirement. He has taken care of a disabled brother for a long time, and never got the chance to have a long term relationship. He bought a nice place to retire down in Florida, and I hope the two of them really hit it off. There is a little modicum of revenge in this as well. Her ex was to be charitable a chubby sack of fecal matter. My firefighter is a former gym rat, and as buff as you get. (He has worked me out a few times and it felt like my stomach was going up through my nose). Without a doubt, her ex is going to see a six foot-three body builder with his former wife and feel really inadequate. Hope so.


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## honcho

sczinger said:


> Even when she was leaving she denied any affair. With all of the proof she continues to deny anything happened. Of course, now that both of our divorces are final both WSs say that they have become very close since they were both going through a divorce together. How convenient.


They all deny it and nobody ever buys the we only got close after the divorce line. They all use it, they all say it and they actually think people buy it.


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## Evinrude58

lifeistooshort said:


> I have a slightly different theory I'll throw out there.
> 
> 8 1/2 years is a long time to date and not get married..... unless you're teenagers. I hypothesize that she'd invested so much into this that she wanted marriage but secretly resented that you waited so long, or was just otherwise unhappy but didn't have the backbone to end things.
> 
> Then when you finally married she decided for whatever reason you really weren't that great of a deal. I know, if she felt that way why did she marry you?
> 
> I agree it's crappy but it's the sunk cost fallacy. You get fixated on what you think you want because you invested a lot into it but once you get it you start to realize you didn't want it that much.
> 
> Just my theory.
> 
> Can I ask why it took that long?



His subconscious was screaming nooooooooooooooooo for 8 years......


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## Ynot

sczinger said:


> @TAMAT The OM/AP asked his wife for a separation. When she discovered all the emails and phone calls between the two of them, she told him NO!. She filed for divorce and theirs was final in April. Not what he wanted... Now he pays child support for the next 7 years for his 11-year-old daughter along with maintenance to his wife and he gets to be with my cheating EW, who is still her boss and try to keep that secret. Now there's a good foundation for a lasting relationship.


Right there is a little of the karma bus hitting someone straight on. So he gets to pay child support and maintenance payments to his ex. I am sure that costs him quite a bit more than he ever spent on your ex skank. Not only that, but now he has to pay for his own place, which is probably not quite as nice as his old place. Or your ex skank has a place where this guy lives now. Living together is quite a bit different than secretly hooking up - not quite as much fun and excitement when you get to see the other person all day, everyday. See them crap, fart, without makeup, not having brushed your hair or teeth.
Then he is still her boss. Regardless of whether he is friends with the owner or not, he still has other employees to worry about, who may really resent the favoritism. So he might try NOT to play favorites, which might set your ex skank off, since she is putting out, I am sure she expects a little quid pro quo. And even if he isn't I am sure her co-workers thank more than a little less of her now.
Then they get to "enjoy" all of their limited choices. Because he is her boss, he has to tread a line. And because she is his employee, she has to tread a line.
No, if this is the case, be glad the karma bus is being driven by an exceptionally spiteful person, because these two are just beginning to feel the pain of it all.


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## TJW

michzz said:


> BTW, it took my ex 34 years (married 32), that is 2 years after the divorce, to admit that the earliest infidelity went on all during the time we were engaged and into the first year of marriage. Only stopped since we moved 800 miles away for school together. why she coughed up that fun fact at that time? Who knows.


Probably has to do with the extremely selfish act of "dumping" her guilt at your expense.


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## Wolf1974

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "*safe and secure"*. I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


Sometimes the answer to is just what you pointed out , safe and secure once married = lazy and bored for some people. Hard to know why those people turn this way but I have seen it more than once. Sorry you are going through this lived it myself .


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## jlg07

Hey Taxman, no good for reporting her to HR -- this is a restaurant and the POSOM is friends of the owner. I think it was said that the owner probably hi-5'd him when he found out he was cheating with the exW, so no goodness there.


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## Taxman

Oh, the restaurant industry. I am quite knowledgeable on this, as I dropped out of accounting for a year or so, to tend to an investment. I worked in the place and learned the business back and forth. Problem is, you have to be born to the business to be able to handle the work and the hours. After a year or so, I put mine up for sale, made a few dollars, and went back to what I knew. So, you want to hurt your ex and the POS that surround her? Restaurants live and die by reviews (unless this is a greasy spoon, that just has regulars-some finer establishments live off the Michelin stars) Start posting negative reviews on yelp, trip advisor, and every restaurant site there is. Give them less than one star and say the food tastes like dog turd. Couple dozen of those reviews and you will see a trickle of dollars bleed turn into a hemorrhage. That is when restaurant owners begin cleaning house. Oh, you had an affair? Well someone is pissed at you and is taking it out on me, so out you go! If it were me, I would enlist twenty of my nearest and dearest friends to make say five reviews each a day for a week. Put the MF out of business, then when it is all over, tell the owner that he lost his business because he employed your ex WW and her OM, so they had sex and he got fornicated in the deal.


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## Hoosier

Why did they do that? OMG I wrestled with the why for a long long time. Then one day my sister told me "because crazy people do crazy things" and for some odd reason, I could go with that and quit thinking about it.......... as much. Dont know if it was the wisdom of her answer, or I was finally over it, but thank god it worked.


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## michzz

HTML:







Formally known as Hoosier said:


> Why did they do that? OMG I wrestled with the why for a long long time. Then one day my sister told me "because crazy people do crazy things" and for some odd reason, I could go with that and quit thinking about it.......... as much. Dont know if it was the wisdom of her answer, or I was finally over it, but thank god it worked.


My catch phrase for this is :

"crazy sets the agenda."


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## sczinger

As I said before, I have been strictly NC. It has been relatively easy. No kids together, no finances together, no maintenance... Nothing that would necessitate the two of us communicating. I've blocked her from all social media as well as friends that we have in common so I don't see any of her posts. Her continuing affair with her general manager continues so she is laying pretty low on her social media. Other than a few short emails from her looking for a picture album of her kids/small household items she has not tried to contact me either. It has been good for my healing process but when I start thinking about it I think, "Wow, maybe she is better off without me. She's living the life she chose, happy as a lark and I'm the one left behind grieving." The only thing I know about her situation at her work is from a couple of friends that went to her restaurant to eat and to give her $h!T. They asked to sit in her section but found out she was off that night. When the server came to the table they asked if the general manager was in that evening and that they would like to speak to him. The server told them he was off that evening. They told the server they were friends with me and I used to be married to EWW. The server said "Oh, you're friends with (ME). He was so nice. Yes, we all know what's going on around here between the two of them and no one is very happy about it. They are off together a lot." At the end of the meal, the server comped their wine and appetizers. Again, her 21-year-old daughter, whom I adore, works as a server there as well so I'm sure if everyone else knows then my ex-stepdaughter knows. I feel so bad for her.


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## BluesPower

sczinger said:


> As I said before, I have been strictly NC. It has been relatively easy. No kids together, no finances together, no maintenance... Nothing that would necessitate the two of us communicating. I've blocked her from all social media as well as friends that we have in common so I don't see any of her posts. Her continuing affair with her general manager continues so she is laying pretty low on her social media. Other than a few short emails from her looking for a picture album of her kids/small household items she has not tried to contact me either. It has been good for my healing process but when I start thinking about it I think, "Wow, maybe she is better off without me. She's living the life she chose, happy as a lark and I'm the one left behind grieving." The only thing I know about her situation at her work is from a couple of friends that went to her restaurant to eat and to give her $h!T. They asked to sit in her section but found out she was off that night. When the server came to the table they asked if the general manager was in that evening and that they would like to speak to him. The server told them he was off that evening. They told the server they were friends with me and I used to be married to EWW. The server said "Oh, you're friends with (ME). He was so nice. Yes, we all know what's going on around here between the two of them and no one is very happy about it. They are off together a lot." At the end of the meal, the server comped their wine and appetizers. Again, her 21-year-old daughter, whom I adore, works as a server there as well so I'm sure if everyone else knows then my ex-stepdaughter knows. I feel so bad for her.


Look, I get that you have been through the mill. What I don't understand is why, you are pining for a woman that is a POS, a woman that does not love you, and a woman that probably never loved you. 

I mean what is it going to take for you to understand that this was never about you, it is about her. And you are WAY better off without her...

Dude, it is past time for you to get some self respect back and understand that, sometimes we don't know the truth about the people that we fall in love with...

Time to move on...


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## *Deidre*

Why did you have a long engagement? Almost nine years to be engaged, is a long time. I think there were likely red flags that you ignored. This isn't your fault that she cheated, but nine years is a long time to be engaged, so sounds like maybe you were hesitant, then you got married...and she sort of proved who she was all along. People don't change in less than two years, into something totally different. They usually are who they are, but when we're in love, we make excuses for things we see all along. I'm only guessing here, but nine years is a long time to be engaged. Just stay NC. Something tells me she will circle back your way, after this ''relationship'' ends, because you're the secure guy. I hope you move on, and heal.


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## EleGirl

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


What did she say were her issues with you and the relationship?


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## sczinger

EleGirl said:


> What did she say were her issues with you and the relationship?


She said I had all of her pet peeves. I whistled when I was happy, I snored when I slept on my back Her main reason for leaving was because she wanted to be around the type of people that come in her upscale restaurant. She wanted to go to concerts and be around younger people... She wanted to go out more.... She worked "every" Friday and Saturday night. Kind of difficult for us to go out with the hours she kept. She knew she was going to leave me for months before the day she informed me. That very morning we made love like it was the first time. I had no idea what was coming that same afternoon.



*Deidre* said:


> Why did you have a long engagement? Almost nine years to be engaged, is a long time. I think there were likely red flags that you ignored. This isn't your fault that she cheated, but nine years is a long time to be engaged, so sounds like maybe you were hesitant, then you got married...and she sort of proved who she was all along. People don't change in less than two years, into something totally different. They usually are who they are, but when we're in love, we make excuses for things we see all along. I'm only guessing here, but nine years is a long time to be engaged. Just stay NC. Something tells me she will circle back your way after this ''relationship'' ends because you're the secure guy. I hope you move on, and heal.


She was the same person from the day I fell in love with her until about a month before I caught her in the park with her boss. It was my gut that made me track her. We were together 7 1/2 years before the engagement. I had some financial obligations to fulfill from my first marriage before I wanted to do the "I do's" with the second. Maybe I was blinded by my deep love for her but even now, when I think back with a clearer perspective I can pinpoint some of the signs of cheating since she took that restaurant job. I can't pinpoint anything the 8 years prior. Nothing.


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## sunsetmist

To review:
So, I read back over both threads about this. In today's post you've learned that those who work there know about the betrayal, so bits and pieces will likely pop up over time. (Last posts suggests she was looking for a wealthier lifestyle?)

However, I can't remember, was he always her manager or new? Owner was unhappy about financials (park visit)--who knows what else was going on in this business? She was there 6 months +/- before you were married. Thinking they were planning her 'escape' for a bit since she waited for her tax check.

She cheated on her first husband. This is your second marriage and you don't want to make same mistake again.

Numerous people have opined that you MAY NEVER know. They felt like you do at one time. You are still wanting answers.

You thought y'all were happy which is confusing. Some immature folks can't stand happiness and move on when they finally get what they thought they wanted (her?). Don't know if that is the case here. But don't something like 3% of cheater's relationships actually last, so remove wanting answers about them from your mind.

So how much time are you spending thinking about this. As others have said you are letting her continue to live rent free in your head. Doesn't seem like much progress here. So, if you are determined to continue----try thinking about this as much as you want for one hour a day to start--maybe from 5:30 to 6:30 after you get off. Then gradually cut time down to 45 minutes, then 30, then 15. Agonize all you want during the approved time period and then stop--no more misery/figuring allowed.

Looking for answers when none exist is ****. Don't ask me how I know.


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## Evinrude58

Just to be clear:

When you meet a person that fulfills your requirements for a wife, and she has more character than your ex wife (which won't be hard), you will NOT still long for her, you WILL be thankful she left, you WILL be happier than ever before. 

The bad thing is, is that you are going to self sabotage any kind of relationship you get into until you can mentally break free of this wretch that you STILL think so highly of. We aren't emotionally attached like you are to her, so we are pretty disgusted that you are still hanging on to the memory of her, in spite of the fact that most of us did the same crap you are now. LOL, when you get over this, you will be disgusted that you took as long as you did to move on.

Question: Are you going to give your full interest to a woman that is beautiful enough, smart enough, x, y, z enough if one comes along? Or are you going to whine about your ex to her and show her how stuck on her you are? Try to avoid dating women that check all your boxes until you're over the wretch you were married to. You don't want to waste opportunities with a good woman.

For goodness sake, get out and start doing something that makes you happy and occupies your mind so you can get the ex OUT.


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## honcho

sczinger said:


> As I said before, I have been strictly NC. It has been relatively easy. No kids together, no finances together, no maintenance... Nothing that would necessitate the two of us communicating. I've blocked her from all social media as well as friends that we have in common so I don't see any of her posts. Her continuing affair with her general manager continues so she is laying pretty low on her social media. Other than a few short emails from her looking for a picture album of her kids/small household items she has not tried to contact me either. It has been good for my healing process but when I start thinking about it I think, "Wow, maybe she is better off without me. She's living the life she chose, happy as a lark and I'm the one left behind grieving." The only thing I know about her situation at her work is from a couple of friends that went to her restaurant to eat and to give her $h!T. They asked to sit in her section but found out she was off that night. When the server came to the table they asked if the general manager was in that evening and that they would like to speak to him. The server told them he was off that evening. They told the server they were friends with me and I used to be married to EWW. The server said "Oh, you're friends with (ME). He was so nice. Yes, we all know what's going on around here between the two of them and no one is very happy about it. They are off together a lot." At the end of the meal, the server comped their wine and appetizers. Again, her 21-year-old daughter, whom I adore, works as a server there as well so I'm sure if everyone else knows then my ex-stepdaughter knows. I feel so bad for her.


If/when people start telling that they went to the restaurant or things that a server said just shut it down. Tell them flat out you don't want to hear it. In your life now it's meaningless jIbberish. What if she is happy? What if she's miserable? Neither changes YOUR situation 

I had to tell friends and acquaintance's to stop tell me what crazy ex was up to, back when the situation was still fresh it was too easy to fall down the rabbit hole and get sucked back in. Your also trying to measure the short term vs long term. Maybe things are good now and that's not all that unusual in the short term, will the love birds be happy a year, two years from now? Who knows and who cares, that's the attitude you've got to develop. 

The restaurant world is notorious for flings and failures. Money making operations you rarely find owners/managers gone as it's too easy for employees to give the place away which is exactly what your friends server did, any profit from meal is gone with freebies. Either you watch the place like a hawk or it starts losing cash. It's hard on relationships and sooner or later a new employee comes along, she cute and before you know it your ex is the jilted one. I saw this so many times when I used to do accounting for several restaurants years ago. 

In a year, two or 5 where do you want to be? Concentrate and work towards those goals.


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## *Deidre*

@sczinger

Tried to quote you, but it won't let me.

If she was the same person you always knew, why did you feel the need to track her? Again, it's not your fault, but people like her, they can fool their partners into thinking everything's fine. I think that you'll never really know the answer, and hope that you move forward to a better life.


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## sczinger

*Deidre* said:


> @sczinger
> 
> Tried to quote you, but it won't let me.
> 
> If she was the same person you always knew, why did you feel the need to track her?


That's the strange thing. It honestly was not a conscious decision. I could not find my phone so I got on my laptop and iCloud showed it in my car. It also showed my iPad in my car. When I went to the garage to get it something in my gut told me to toss the iPad in her SUV. 3 weeks later, she said she was at the store when she was actually in the park with her boss, the AP. I will never discount my gut again.


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## the guy

Someone else already mentioned this.

But I think....hell I know.... people want what they can't have (or shouldn't have)!


There is an excitement to having an affair.


So I'm guessing your old lady just married you and now the boss wants her (she's married/forbidden fruit), she likes it cuz it's so wrong (taboo). If you hadn't listened to your gut you could have been caught up in infidelity for a very long time. Maybe for decades!


At the end of the day It has nothing to do with you. I think two perfect storms just collided...a "married" women to conquer and being a naughty "wife" just got together and you just so happened to catch them before the A blow out.....

So here you are now....once married to a very prideful women (I'm guessing) so with all the exposure with work, friends, and family she has to save face and be with this POS so she doesn't look like a tramp who screwed the boss. I bet she now has to save face by pretending to love this guy ( remember, she pretended to love you). Regretting she ever got busted but will never admit it. 

So that's why I think she married you.


In the end I'm guessing she will then sleep with OM's boss....and then his boss's boss and so on and so on. While the OM bangs the 21yr old daughter. (or someone's 21yr old daughter)


That's my $0.02


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## BruceBanner

sczinger said:


> I'm curious why she even bothered to marry me? My now EWW and I married in September of 2016 and she decided to leave me for her boss in January of 2018. Crazy. What happened in 18 short months? History on my situation here: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/424123-wife-left-me-her-married-boss.html#post19578753
> 
> After being together for 8 1/2 years before getting married. I adored her the same before the marriage as I did after. It's like she wasn't comfortable with "safe and secure". I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I just don't want to make the same mistakes again, whatever they were.


I imagine for women a plan B is better than no plan at all.


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## sczinger

the guy said:


> If you hadn't listened to your gut you could have been caught up in infidelity for a very long time. Maybe for decades!



I have wondered if I hadn't have confronted them in the park and never mentioned to her that I knew where she was if it would have ended on its own? Again, my gut tells me it would have happened eventually led to the same outcome, just maybe years later...

I definitely appreciate that I got out of this one pretty much Scott free. It's just a matter of my heart catching up with my brain at this point. Don't think I wouldn't love to just flip that switch in my brain that shuts down any and all feelings I "had" for her but it is ingrained and will take some time to re-wire. I don't want it to be because of another women or relationship or a new hobby either. I want it to be because I realize she is not worthy of the kind of love that I bring and I deserve the best.


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## dadstartingover

Don't try to understand it or apply rational thought where it doesn't belong. It will drive you crazy.

My take: She's a broken woman. Broken women lose interest and start up the mating game rituals (for other men) once the wedding ring goes on. Comfort and security is a huge libido and happiness killer for them. They can't stand it and will jump from guy to guy to experience the high of the new relationship. 

https://dadstartingover.com/you-cant-beat-emotion-stop-trying/


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## sunsetmist

dadstartingover said:


> Don't try to understand it or apply rational thought where it doesn't belong. It will drive you crazy.
> 
> My take: She's a broken woman. Broken women lose interest and start up the mating game rituals (for other men) once the wedding ring goes on. Comfort and security is a huge libido and happiness killer for them. They can't stand it and will jump from guy to guy to experience the high of the new relationship.
> 
> https://dadstartingover.com/you-cant-beat-emotion-stop-trying/


Please beware of stereotyping women--even though it is just UR take. Your site could be considered to be an advertisement too. End of t/j...


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## dadstartingover

sunsetmist said:


> Please beware of stereotyping women--even though it is just UR take. Your site could be considered to be an advertisement too. End of t/j...


Yes, I just stereotyped broken women. So? What exactly do I need to beware of? Is there a broken woman mob ready to wrestle the computer mouse out of my hand?

Posting my article links, where appropriate, has been okay'd by the mods. Thanks for your concern.


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## honcho

sczinger said:


> I have wondered if I hadn't have confronted them in the park and never mentioned to her that I knew where she was if it would have ended on its own? Again, my gut tells me it would have happened eventually led to the same outcome, just maybe years later...
> 
> I definitely appreciate that I got out of this one pretty much Scott free. It's just a matter of my heart catching up with my brain at this point. Don't think I wouldn't love to just flip that switch in my brain that shuts down any and all feelings I "had" for her but it is ingrained and will take some time to re-wire. I don't want it to be because of another women or relationship or a new hobby either. I want it to be because I realize she is not worthy of the kind of love that I bring and I deserve the best.


If you hadn't confronted she would have most likely been dumped and yes the outcome your now living most likely would have just happened a few years down the road but with some other guy. Once they get the emotional high from affair land and get away with it they seem to crave it and it leads to more.


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## Evinrude58

Weird how when you see the face of disloyalty, shame, and disgust—— it still looks like the person you love for a while.

But I assure you Szinger, you will see her for what she is in a few months, and the longing for who your mind thinks she was will stop.
It won’t ever start again. When you’re over her, you’ll be fine with her forever. That’s how it is for me


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## Decorum

So it's an open secret now.
Its been exposed, the "naughty" fun is over.

All they get is mild distain from some, and become the butt of a joke to others, as they navigate a complicated relationship as boss/worker.

Its a historical fact now, just two cheaters living their lives till one of them cheats again. Probably him.


You walk away with your head held high. They deserve each other.


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