# Is the 180 right for my situation?



## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

I have been seperated for almost 3 months now. My husband is bipolar, and after a manic episode he moved out while I was at work, taking almost everything. We have been married for almost 20 years and together for 22. We have 2 children (18 and 16). He did not speak to me for the first month, then we made short calls for financial purposes, which often turned into me asking him to reconcile and come home. Little did I know that he had moved 400 miles away! He did this same thing 10 years ago, and it involved another woman, 10 yrs. younger than me. He came back after 2 months. He was not medicated then, and he is currently off his meds now, even though he seems calm and collected. A few weeks ago he asked to see the kids before school started...so, I took what money I had, took my vacation days, borrowed a truck and drove 8 hours to see him. We had a nice visit - when I wasnt in the bathroom broke down in tears! I could not supress my emotions knowing that we had to leave and not bring him home. The kids felt the same, but did much better than me. During those few days, we had only one slight confrontation, and one short talk about our seperation. He refused to change his mind about coming home, and said that if we fought all the time, why would I want to try and reconcile. My reply? I love you. We ALL love you. He gave no response other than I'm confused. So, he is now living in a crappy little camper in an RV park, with nothing left to his name because he sold everything he had, just a few new friends, and no job other than cleaning the park for the rent. I checked his wallet and he only had $16. He called to see if we made it home ok, then again 2 days later to tell me I had left a few things behind. We talked for about an hour, and I tried to explain how I felt and told him I loved him and wanted to restore the marriage. He says he is still confused. He had used my credit card once to pay for a taxi, and I did not get mad. I made it seem like no big deal. I offered to pay for the phone so that he could call the kids at night, but was not sure he would do that. Then, I saw the posts about the 180. I decided to give it a try although it goes against everything in my nature. So I did not call and offer to pay for his phone. This morning when my son called, it had been disconnected. I dont know if I did the right thing or even if this method is right for my situation. I am in the worst mental and physical shape I have ever been in, and my spiritual life is suffering as well. I have been able to keep up with work, but I'm starting to screw that up as well. I guess I need an outside perspective. He says he loves me, but is just confused about everything. Usually Bipolars crash after the mania goes away, but this time seems different. I'm just totally broken. Opinions please!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What help are you getting for yourself? I think you need to see a doctor about anti-depressents. They will help you hold yourself together much better so that you can be there for your children and help yourself.

You cannot change him or make him do anything. So you have to leave this up to him. I do think that the 180 is a very wise thing for you to do now. You need to gain emotional strength.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

My opinion is that you don't have 2 children, you have 3 children, and that third one is beyond help. 

Save yourself and the other two, and stop chasing this loser all over the country and accept that your marriage is over.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Yes the 180 and in my opinion absolutely NO CONTACT is the right thing for you.

He can contact the kids if he wants. You have no reason to talk to him. He adds nothing to your life in the current state of your marriage. Deprive him of yourself by giving him nothing and telling him nothing.

I understand he may have his own reasons for being confused, but that doesn't stop your life. If he wants to live in confusion and trailer parks, that's his choice. You are not to be toyed with. 

Keep posting.


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## stupidGuy (Jul 13, 2012)

Marie I can feel you!

there was a time when my W went through a couple of very severe manic and depressive episodes, it was hell on earth (thanks good she has been very stable since). People do very weird and cruel things when they are manic and they seem to have very little empathy... still its hard to blame them for a symptom of their condition (I would rather blame him for being off his meds). 
After the manic episode there will be the crash... he will want to get back to you, he will need you, if he is not too much ashamed of his manic episode, he will show up. You have to decide then whether you can live with that condition... building him up in his depression, being treated miserably in his manic episodes and enjoying the little time in between....

I think a 180 is good for the moment (as long as manic e. lasts at least)


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## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

athsnk you all for the imput. So far no contact at all. The phone is off anf I dont have a clue what is going on. I think I could put this plan into effect if he would at least keep in touch. I pray that he hits the bottom soon. I know he doesnt deserve an ounce of my time much less my love, but that is just the forgiving person that I am. Being a Christian helps me with that, but it doesnt take away the right to be mad - which I am. Just keeping that anger under control is the hard part. Right now it just comes out as dispair and depression I guess. However, I have felt better the past 2 days. Im not even sure why. My thoughts 24/7 are still on him and the situation, but at least Im not crying and having anxiety attacks. That is a blessing. Will just keep up the waiting game while I keep on living I guess, and hopefully get better myself in the process. Thanks again for the responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, I declined to answer the phone when he called today. It was all I could do not too. Why on earth he would be calling anyway. He must be needing something. I waited an hour before calling him back. Yep. You would know it...he didnt answer either. Oh well. It must not have been too important. This game sucks I must say. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 is not a game. It is meant to help you separate from him and move on with your life. You will become stronger as time goes on.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I waited an hour before calling him back.


Next time, try waiting a year.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

I suspect my STBXH is bi-polar as well. His manic episodes have increased in their length and intensity a lot . He has never been medicated and never officially diagnosed ( runs HEAVY in his family). I have read that drinking can increase the length of a manic episode- certainly true in my H's case right now. I went through his last cycle about 2 years ago. Before that 7-8 years between cycles.


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