# Is the 180 viable if....?



## squid1035 (Apr 9, 2013)

Hello, all.

I've been here on the forums for about a year now. Been married almost 15 years and have 3 kids. Long story short, my mother got in the way of our marriage and there are now bitter feelings with my wife towards her. For 14 years these feelings built up until last year when my wife snapped. Things subsided a bit but 5 months ago they popped again. We separated for about 3 weeks over Christmas. But since I moved back, things haven't been the same at all. No intimacy. No touching. My wife has simply stated that she just can't be in this marriage with a 3rd party, my mother. 

It's my fault. I didn't draw the line early enough and let the needling of my mother further drive the rift. I take full blame. We've talked on and on lately that we never want our friendship to end. She can't imagine raising our kids with anybody else but me. She's just afraid that if she let's me back in, she thinks that my mother will get between us again and she can't put herself through that again. I can't blame her. The selfish part of me wants her to stay. The friend in me wants to let her go. But it's just too complicated.

Wife doesn't work. Her family is half way around the world. I'm an only son. My mother is single and alone. It's just too complicated. There's no easy fix, really. Wife hates that I have to decide between her and my mother and it makes her feel like a bad person. And to completely detach would mean that we'd have to completely turn our lives upside down. But even separating/divorce would do that too.

My question is: is the 180 approach really viable when there are so many factors to the marriage? She's done with relationships right now. Burnt out entirely. We're going to try marriage counseling in a couple of days. But I honestly don't know how her heart can be turned around after having endured so much that it basically collapsed. And I don't want to put her through any more torture. I love her so much.

The end of my rope is in sight. Any thoughts?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The 180 is to help you detach from her (your wife). If that's what you want to do, then I would say that MC is pretty pointless. Pick a path you want to go down. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## squid1035 (Apr 9, 2013)

PBear said:


> The 180 is to help you detach from her (your wife). If that's what you want to do, then I would say that MC is pretty pointless. Pick a path you want to go down.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, MC is pretty much only for me. Even my wife sees that I'm not ready to let go. She says she's 90% ready. Too much fear and apprehension. WAW


----------



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

You have to pick one or the other. Simple. Your mother is the other woman in your life and your wife isn't liking that, I don't think any wife would appreciate you putting your mother above her. Your a grown up, its time for mom to find her own life and stop butting in. If you don't put the brakes on her now you never will and you will lose your wife. 

My husband had a very intrusive mother, and since she wouldn't take his hints I had to blurt it out for her to quit butting in. IT changed our relationship and it was tough. But im glad I did it because she never butted in again. 

It will be hard at first, but you gotta tell your mom you love her but she needs t find her own life and you have to quit allowing her to but In. Draw the line and stick to it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

squid1035 said:


> Well, MC is pretty much only for me. Even my wife sees that I'm not ready to let go. She says she's 90% ready. Too much fear and apprehension. WAW


Personally, I think you should focus on individual counseling, not marriage counseling. Your relationship with your mother will sabatoge any relationship you might hope to have. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

