# I don't understand



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

So here's the story...

About 2 months ago, I started spending time with a coworker (she had just recently joined our staff) whom I've known for about 2 yrs. We would go to breakfast, dinners, movies, bowling, etc. We started and ended each day texting or talking on the phone. During that time she started spending the night 2 or 3 times a week but we didn't have sex until week 2. 

Then all of a sudden she became distant. She didn't return texts and calls, etc. I sensed she might have starfed entertaining someone else and later found out it was true. Prior to knowing what my gut had already told me, we had dinner one night after work and I asked that we define our relationship. Her response was coworkers who hang out together. Since I'd developed feelings for her, given the amount of time we'd spent together, I wanted more but she didn't (she was already entertaining someone else). She said she wanted to befriends. I told her I wanted more but since she didn't, I would no longer be hanging out with her anymore. I told her I woould keep my distance at work and would no longer contact her.

Since that conversation, she has made attempt after attempt to have small talk with me at work but I would do all I could to keep my distance, especially since I had feelings for her AND she had been quite chatty to others about her NEW love. 

Today, after yet another attempt to converse with me, I told her that she should've gotten the hint by now. I haven't responded to her attempts and I didn't plan on it. She got testy saying that she didn't care if I wasn't talking to her because she wasn't doing it for me. She told me I was being selfish and childish and that those were the reasons she wouldn't take our relationship to the next level. 

Did I miss something? She basically pushed me aside for someone else and now is bothered because I refuse to talk to her. That doesn't make sense or does it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

No, it doesn't. 

And really.... you don't HAVE to understand it. It's just the way she works. You just have to get over it, get past it, etc... 

Seeing this b*tchy, stupid side of her should help.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> No, it doesn't.
> 
> And really.... you don't HAVE to understand it. It's just the way she works. You just have to get over it, get past it, etc...
> 
> Seeing this b*tchy, stupid side of her should help.


Yeah, it definitely opened my eyes. It seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I won't let her so now she's mad at me. Idk...i do tend to overanalyze things. It just doesn't make sense. Now I'm wrong. I don't get it. 

After telling her I choose not to speak to her anymore, what else is there for me to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> Yeah, it definitely opened my eyes. *It seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too.* I won't let her so now she's mad at me. Idk...i do tend to overanalyze things. It just doesn't make sense. Now I'm wrong. I don't get it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^ this

Basically she wanted to string you along and keep you around as plan B. Pat yourself on the back for not falling for it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I think it's kinda funny. During our time together, I decided I would get back in the gym because she went. I've continued since we stopped "hanging out" and have put on about 12 lbs of muscle (from 5'10", 163 to 175) and it shows because others at work have started to comment. I'm starting to really like how I'm starting to look and I think she is too. She already had her chance, though...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Cake eater.

Move along. Nothing to see here.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I reckon you should send the other guy a 'Thank you' card.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Here's another confusing issue. Prior to her beginning working with me, she basically did all she could to get me to go out with her. She'd made invitations via fb (she didn't have my #). She'd flirt heavily when we were around one another. I finally, after about a yr, given in and she treats me like this. Really?

Admittedly, I still somewhat have feelings for her because I hadn't had that much fun with anyone in a long time. She was very witty and just fun to be with. I'd dated several prior to her although I'd been single for about 5 months. I know without a shadow of a doubt I can't let her back in, but I guess I miss the times we had. Am I confused or what? Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You enjoyed spending time with her. Nothing wrong with admitting that. It's not like she's a horrible person, otherwise you wouldn't have been interested, just not the right person for you. Can't be a perfect match with everyone you date. Hopefully you'll have a better match next time.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I must be of a different nature because I don't see what she did wrong, my issue would be with the OP for acting childish at work and causing an uncomfortable work environment. 

Dating is an experiment, you talk, you go out and have some fun, maybe even have sex, but if the chemistry to fall in love isn't there than it just isn't there. For the OP it was there, for the woman it wasn't, when pushed to define her feelings it sounds like she was honest. So now the OP is disappointed (sure I get that) and acting pouty trying to do what? Get the woman to realize she made a mistake? (good luck acting that way) To punish her for NOT falling for him? (how dare she) To punish her for seeing another? (doesn't sound like they were exclusive)

To the OP....look you tried, it just didn't work out between you, that's life, more than likely it will happen again before you find the right one. If you act foolishly at work it will reflect badly on you, not her, so you need to be very careful there. It's unfortunate it didn't work out but now you just need to act mature and except it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

breeze said:


> You enjoyed spending time with her. Nothing wrong with admitting that. It's not like she's a horrible person, otherwise you wouldn't have been interested, just not the right person for you. Can't be a perfect match with everyone you date. Hopefully you'll have a better match next time.


Anyone who tries to blame another person for their bad behaviour is a horrible person.

A mature person with a modicum of self self respect would understand that you treat people how you want to be treated , given the same situation.

If she only wanted a casual encounter then she should have said so from the beginning and not slept over at the OP's place , made herself comfortable , pretending she was interested in some form of a relationship, whilst she was actively trolling for a man for her next sexual adventure.

However, I still say the OP must shoulder responsibility for his actions. He made the choice to develop feelings for her , even though they had been fooling around for just two weeks.

Hope he practiced safe sex.

Next time , look before you leap, OP.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

breeze said:


> You enjoyed spending time with her. Nothing wrong with admitting that. It's not like she's a horrible person, otherwise you wouldn't have been interested, just not the right person for you. Can't be a perfect match with everyone you date. Hopefully you'll have a better match next time.


I guess you're right about that. In some ways, I feel foolish because I think missed signs that she was leading me on such as saying not to kiss her in public (although we eventually did), wanting to keep our relationship secret from coworkers, telling me she didn't like using titles such as bf/gf, etc. 

There were also signs she might want more like her saying we should take a trip to my hometown so she could meet my mom, always wanting to sit on same side when we ate out, initiating/suggesting things for us to do together. When she started spending the night, she said sex was for someone special so I respected that. She kept sleeping over and eventually it happened. 

I did get mixed signals, I believe, so it was definitely a learning experience. 

I do wonder how things will go after her "tantrum". We work together tonight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Cooper said:


> I must be of a different nature because I don't see what she did wrong, my issue would be with the OP for acting childish at work and causing an uncomfortable work environment.
> 
> Dating is an experiment, you talk, you go out and have some fun, maybe even have sex, but if the chemistry to fall in love isn't there than it just isn't there. For the OP it was there, for the woman it wasn't, when pushed to define her feelings it sounds like she was honest. So now the OP is disappointed (sure I get that) and acting pouty trying to do what? Get the woman to realize she made a mistake? (good luck acting that way) To punish her for NOT falling for him? (how dare she) To punish her for seeing another? (doesn't sound like they were exclusive)
> 
> To the OP....look you tried, it just didn't work out between you, that's life, more than likely it will happen again before you find the right one. If you act foolishly at work it will reflect badly on you, not her, so you need to be very careful there. It's unfortunate it didn't work out but now you just need to act mature and except it, stop being petty and pouty.


You're right. Shame on me for thinking spending time with someone almost everyday should mean something. Concerning the work incident, it was not done verbally but via text so there would be no scene. No one other than her and I knew of the exchange. And I don't understand how I'm pretty by simply asking that she keep her distance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

marksaysay said:


> You're right. Shame on me for thinking spending time with someone almost everyday should mean something. Concerning the work incident, it was not done verbally but via text so there would be no scene. No one other than her and I knew of the exchange. And I don't understand how I'm pretty by simply asking that she keep her distance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Marksaysay after rereading my post to you I admit it comes off as condescending and I shouldn't respond that way, I apologize for that. 

You mentioned "attempt after attempt to have small talk with me at work but you have kept your distance"....that's what made me think you were being unprofessional, ignoring a coworker creates tension, but you say that was all done by text so maybe a different scenario. 

The basis of my message still stands, you dated for a couple of months and it just didn't work out for her, sounds like she wants to continue a relationship on some level but emotionally you can't do that. So that should be the end of it, be cordial at work but tell her there will be no more personal contact, block her number on your phone and put and end to it.


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

Cooper said:


> I must be of a different nature because I don't see what she did wrong, my issue would be with the OP for acting childish at work and causing an uncomfortable work environment.
> 
> Dating is an experiment, you talk, you go out and have some fun, maybe even have sex, but if the chemistry to fall in love isn't there than it just isn't there. For the OP it was there, for the woman it wasn't, when pushed to define her feelings it sounds like she was honest. So now the OP is disappointed (sure I get that) and acting pouty trying to do what? Get the woman to realize she made a mistake? (good luck acting that way) To punish her for NOT falling for him? (how dare she) To punish her for seeing another? (doesn't sound like they were exclusive)
> 
> To the OP....look you tried, it just didn't work out between you, that's life, more than likely it will happen again before you find the right one. If you act foolishly at work it will reflect badly on you, not her, so you need to be very careful there. It's unfortunate it didn't work out but now you just need to act mature and except it.


I agree with this post.

And I'd like to add, DON'T DATE COWORKERS. It's a potentially career ending move. Don't sh*t where you eat.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I guess a little more clarity may be needed to understand why I have such a bad taste about the situation. 

We celebrated Valentine's together (on sunday since we both worked late Friday), exchanged gifts, went to a movie, went bowling, had some drinks and some laughs. The evening ended with an intimate encounter that night and the next morning. I get sexy text messages all the following day. The next day not much. Wednesday we talk on phone late into the night. Thursday, from what I heard around the workplace, someone from her past stopped into our place of employment (we work in the service industry). I text her that evening and get nothing. She said she was tired after work and went straight to sleep.

Friday night, the night I asked for clarity on our relationship, she acted different at dinner. While she did say she considered us coworkers who were hanging out, I told her how I felt and what I wanted. She stopped me saying she didn't want to hear that kind of talk. I told her that if she couldn't see us as more than friends, it was necessary for me to remove myself, etc. The following Friday, she's on an overnight getaway with the new guy (she talked about it at work)!

So wouldn't that leave a bad taste in your mouth? Would you still feel chatty with her after that? 

Of course I take responsibility for putting myself in that position. But in light of how things seemed to simply change overnight, I feel justified by not wanting to entertain any thoughs of conversations with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I wonder if you've learned the lesson to never wet your pecker with a coworker? Keep your work life work and your dating life out of it. This is only a problem because you can't cut a coworker totally out of your life. You can't go to management and say "She can't talk to me." 

If she wasn't a coworker, you'd just say "Never call me again." Failure to respect that request can get her in legal trouble.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Yep...lesson learned!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I thought a little more about this situation and decided that since we work together, I'd try to atleast relieve the tension by having a brief conversation and moving forward. She basically said she hurt that our relationship had been where it was cfor the past month (not that I really believed that) and that we should hug and make up. 

I acknowledge that there doesn't need to be too much conversation about what happened. I just wanted to briefly express my apology for acting somewhat immature. Her reply was that I know she doesn't like talking about stuff and that she didn't think it was right for me to tell her who she could or talk to (referring to me and said in a playful way). 

I guess I was asking too much or was I?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

No. She doesn't get it. Let it go.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

SunnyT said:


> No. She doesn't get it. Let it go.


I agree!!!

I can say I did try to handle things in a civilized, adult fashion. Honestly, I find her unwillingness to simply address the issue, as opposed to overlooking it, as childish as my behavior, if not more. I have known that she doesn't like talking about issues, but today's reminder serves to solidify the fact that I really haven't lost out on anything. 

Major turnoff! Moving on....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She wants you to "hug and make up"? What is she, 15 yrs. old? What she really wants is you to "rugsweep" this, and going back to being her FWB, or even her plan B, in case things don't work out with the other guy.

Even though it may have been a somewhat casual relationship (at least in her eyes), she sounds like a classic serial cheater in training. Maybe it's best that you found this all out now rather than later, when you were in too deep.

P.S.-get yourself a new GF, and I can almost guarantee that she will suddenly be all flirty with you again, wanting to hang out with you more, telling you how your new GF is "all wrong" for you, etc...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Nothing wrong with deciding that you need something different than what she is willing to give. If you want a more serious relationship and she does not, then you have every right to decide on no relationship.

But you are stuck working with her, so be professional and polite. Small talk is something you likely need to do, as that is what keeps the gears going in most jobs. But keep it light and nothing about dating or that is personal.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

F-102 said:


> She wants you to "hug and make up"? What is she, 15 yrs. old? What she really wants is you to "rugsweep" this, and going back to being her FWB, or even her plan B, in case things don't work out with the other guy.
> 
> Even though it may have been a somewhat casual relationship (at least in her eyes), she sounds like a classic serial cheater in training. Maybe it's best that you found this all out now rather than later, when you were in too deep.
> 
> P.S.-get yourself a new GF, and I can almost guarantee that she will suddenly be all flirty with you again, wanting to hang out with you more, telling you how your new GF is "all wrong" for you, etc...


Yes! She actually said "let's hug and make up". And no, she isn't 15. I'm 38. She's 32. She is definitely a "rug sweeper". She balked at the idea of brief discussion to simply move forward. I'm becoming more and more convinced that I was simply a challenge she'd conquered since I had shot down her advances prior to us working together.

I really don't care how she justifies it in her own head, it was more than casual. It doesn't matter anymore, though. I'm over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> She got testy saying that she didn't care if I wasn't talking to her because she wasn't doing it for me. She told me I was being selfish and childish and that those were the reasons she wouldn't take our relationship to the next level.
> 
> Did I miss something?


Oy. She did you a favor. Is she very young? If she keeps hassling you at work tell her "I think its best we only discuss work" and keep walking. Now the tricky thing is this is a professional environment so you will have to treat her with some form of kindness because if not, it will look bad on you in a work setting. Don't go out of your way to talk to her but don't be mean. If she is vindictive, she could run to HR and say you're no being nice to her.

And this is another reason I do not mix pleasure with work. Way too many problems can arise.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> So here's the story...
> 
> About 2 months ago, I started spending time with a coworker (she had just recently joined our staff) whom I've known for about 2 yrs. We would go to breakfast, dinners, movies, bowling, etc. We started and ended each day texting or talking on the phone. During that time she started spending the night 2 or 3 times a week but we didn't have sex until week 2.
> 
> ...



Welcome to the friend zone. Lol

I applaud you for not taking that. Had a similar experience once and when I refused to stay in friend zone, like you, she then was pissed. 

Course when I started dating this really attractive woman she then decided she made a mistake and wanted to try dating...um nope to that as well. Stay strong and find a good one


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Oy. She did you a favor. Is she very young? If she keeps hassling you at work tell her "I think its best we only discuss work" and keep walking. Now the tricky thing is this is a professional environment so you will have to treat her with some form of kindness because if not, it will look bad on you in a work setting. Don't go out of your way to talk to her but don't be mean. If she is vindictive, she could run to HR and say you're no being nice to her.
> 
> And this is another reason I do not mix pleasure with work. Way too many problems can arise.


No she's 32. I'm 38. I wouldn't call it hassling. She just is always trying to spark conversation and I keep walking away. I figured she would get the hint that I had nothing to say to her, but since she didn't, I told her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Oh, I forgot to tell you all. I heard through the grapevine she's not with that guy anymore. I wonder who her next victim is gonna be...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Well, I really don't understand or maybe I do. 

I have 2 jobs. One as a server on weekends where this girl and I both work. Through the week, I give privste baseball instruction (I'm a former professional baseball player) and her son is one of my students. So one, there is little chance of me keeping my distance so I keep it professional. 

Tonight was her son's lesson. I spoke with her only about things to remind her son to do as he begins practices and games (she's a coach). At the conclusion of the lesson, she invites me to grab a bite with them which I promptly declined. 

She is definitely a piece of work. Wow!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Never EVER date at work (not worth the risk/drama)

And before you sleep with someone, get to know them well.....or you end up being hurt like you are now.

Hope you learned you lessons....


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Cooper said:


> I must be of a different nature because I don't see what she did wrong, my issue would be with the OP for acting childish at work and causing an uncomfortable work environment.
> 
> Dating is an experiment, you talk, you go out and have some fun, maybe even have sex, but if the chemistry to fall in love isn't there than it just isn't there. For the OP it was there, for the woman it wasn't, when pushed to define her feelings it sounds like she was honest. So now the OP is disappointed (sure I get that) and acting pouty trying to do what? Get the woman to realize she made a mistake? (good luck acting that way) To punish her for NOT falling for him? (how dare she) To punish her for seeing another? (doesn't sound like they were exclusive)
> 
> To the OP....look you tried, it just didn't work out between you, that's life, more than likely it will happen again before you find the right one. If you act foolishly at work it will reflect badly on you, not her, so you need to be very careful there. It's unfortunate it didn't work out but now you just need to act mature and except it.


:iagree:

I'd just chalk it up to "it wasn't meant to be" and move on. No worries, you'll find the right person.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Ok. I admit dating a coworker may not have been my wisest decision. Here's what I don't get. 

After she told me what she thought of our relationship, I stated that because I wanted more, it'd be best we don't hang out anymore. There were a few weeks of no conversation between us because I was somewhat bothered by how things went. After the silence, I told her that since we worked together, we should at least have a civil relationship when at work. Then, tonight she asks me to have dinner with her and her son after I had a private lesson with him. WTH?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stay away from this woman and don't date co workers ever again.

You do not want your personal drama at work! And it's not worth your job.

You have entire world of women to pick from.

Next


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Cooper said:


> I must be of a different nature because I don't see what she did wrong, my issue would be with the OP for acting childish at work and causing an uncomfortable work environment.
> 
> Dating is an experiment, you talk, you go out and have some fun, maybe even have sex, but if the chemistry to fall in love isn't there than it just isn't there. For the OP it was there, for the woman it wasn't, when pushed to define her feelings it sounds like she was honest. So now the OP is disappointed (sure I get that) and acting pouty trying to do what? Get the woman to realize she made a mistake? (good luck acting that way) To punish her for NOT falling for him? (how dare she) To punish her for seeing another? (doesn't sound like they were exclusive)
> 
> To the OP....look you tried, it just didn't work out between you, that's life, more than likely it will happen again before you find the right one. If you act foolishly at work it will reflect badly on you, not her, so you need to be very careful there. It's unfortunate it didn't work out but now you just need to act mature and except it.


I agree as well.

He should really apologize to her and just be nice at work and WORK.

And if this girl is now putting her kid into the picture, well...she is completely out of her mind. Stay AWAY OP.

What kind of woman introduces her kid to a man in few weeks....scary.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> I guess a little more clarity may be needed to understand why I have such a bad taste about the situation.
> 
> We celebrated Valentine's together (on sunday since we both worked late Friday), exchanged gifts, went to a movie, went bowling, had some drinks and some laughs. The evening ended with an intimate encounter that night and the next morning. I get sexy text messages all the following day. The next day not much. Wednesday we talk on phone late into the night. Thursday, from what I heard around the workplace, someone from her past stopped into our place of employment (we work in the service industry). I text her that evening and get nothing. She said she was tired after work and went straight to sleep.
> 
> ...


For starters, here is some additional info I posted about the situation. 

Secondly, we've known each other for 2 yrs. and I had actually shot her advances down prior to our working together (and she'd tried several times). Also, I'd met her son long before we got involved with one another. He's never seen us together but he was aware we had spoken on the phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Good so it shouldn't be a big deal shutting her down again.


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