# what now? i feel lost.. so so lost



## ferndog

hello, wll here is my story ?(will make it short). my first girlfriend became my wife. she is the only woman i've been with in anyway. I've been with her since I was 15 and married her at 28. I'm now 36 (no kids by choice). we have never lived alone since we got married and after time I became distant because I'm shy. I forgot o show her my love and I became deppressed. I don't know if it was her mom's death that started it, or feeling like I would never live alone with my wife. All I know is that my mom died in 08 and I was already in a shell by then. I never matured. still haven't . I have not reached my potential to this day. my wife was the bread winner at 90K (masters degree) and i make 10k at most (still going to school about to graduate bs this year). she did everything for me and i couldn't give her anything in return. 
In sept she asked me to move out for two weeks I refused but she asked if i loved her that i would do it, that she needed this for herself. so i did and two days later i received an email telling me she was divorcing me and that there's nothing I could do. sure enough she filed within one month.
question 1. is she doing this out of anger?
i tried talking to her on the phone many times but she would hang up within 5 minutes. she said she would never come back etc.
last time i talked to her was 2 months ago. she said that love was never our problem. that i should reflect and see my mistakes. i told her I would change and that I would show her my love. She began to cry and said she wouldnt believe me and she hung up the phone. I have not talked to her since.

her brother called me 1 week ago to check how im doing. I said some days are better than most but that I love her and miss her. He informed me that she is not dating. that she works alot and avoids people when she gets home. that she often gets angry at him and tha she does not seem her self lately.

I often drift and dont say my full story but i do accept the fact I have to change. so here is a list that I call bad habits i must change or feel (lonely,lazy,unmotivated, weight gain, gambling, openup, unhappy, sad,) my good qualities (good heart,loyal,faithful) what have i done to change (went back to school, stopped gambling (i know i will never gamble again im sure of this) got a second job. 
Honestly i try everyday to better myself and i do positive things. I still need to start exercising. I need so much still. I have grown alot in 4 months but I know I need more. I feel I have done all I could bymyself and Im not so close minded not to see I need a helping hand. I am going to seek professional help to deal with this. 
I love that girl so so much, she's always on my mind and I want to focus on me. I lack love for myself. I hope she can forgive my illness but I want to truly fix this 100%. Im scared that if she doesn't come back, I'll be stuck in this moment. I can't make her believe in our marriage but I have to much on my mind and I don't know where to start
heres my stress on a daily basis im in a rush to finish school, to pay bills, to get healthy, to love myself, to get my wife back. Sometimes its too much for me. I want to love myself so much that I write it down to convince myself then I SAY no no you don't not yet. So at least I'm honest. She is all I know. 

all I want, I love her, I married her cause I love her not to divorce her. we share the same friends so I had to distance myself because I dont feel right them seeying me one day and being with her the next. Then one day if she begins to date what then? my friends drinking and going out with the new guy? not cool not cool at all. so i admit I'm a mess. I'm trying I really am. I'm willing to try anything that will help me progress. I feel I have not done everything I can to save my marriage so someone telling me to forget her is not an option. I believe in marriage and I fell the same way about her as I did when I was 15. puppy eyes. Last I saw her was Oct. I saw love in her eyes for me but I also saw anger and hurt. she said in a year or two if i changed but not now.
but she needs space. she wants nothing to do with me. it's so painful the way she did it. email. then just shut me out of her life completely.


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## bandit.45

Brother,

Have you ever been screened for depression? You have alot of the symptoms.


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## ferndog

No, but I feel I am. Some days I feel good others I don't but I feel I haven't been my positive happy loving, romantic self in so long It's weird how I don't feel comfortable in my own self. I'm just trying to admit it which it is very hard for me. I'm shy and don't like to open up to much. Only reason I'm doing it here is because people don't know me and I'm tired of not maturing. I've lost so much already. so no I haven't been screened but I do think I suffer from it. I go to school so I'm gonna go make an appointment with the student health center tomorrow. I'ts going to be very hard for me but I have to do it


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## Stryker

ferndog said:


> No, but I feel I am. Some days I feel good others I don't but I feel I haven't been my positive happy loving, romantic self in so long It's weird how I don't feel comfortable in my own self. I'm just trying to admit it which it is very hard for me. I'm shy and don't like to open up to much. Only reason I'm doing it here is because people don't know me and I'm tired of not maturing. I've lost so much already. so no I haven't been screened but I do think I suffer from it. I go to school so I'm gonna go make an appointment with the student health center tomorrow. I'ts going to be very hard for me but I have to do it



Bi-Polar.....

Yet

Read Books by Norman Vincent Peale...They are practical and Real Life Anecdotal Stuff...It can help you as a Self-Help Remedy for your low spirits...To Transform yourself...

have Self-Suggestions and Auto-Suggestions to boost yourself up...Talk to your own Psyche to have better Self-Esteem,Confidence Levels..


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## ferndog

i don't feel bi polar is my issue. i do not get mood swings, or impulsiveness. I feel sad that I haven't reached my goals in life. I'm just trying to get to that point. I'm trying to become independent. My wife would do everything for me. drive on the weekends, pay for all my expenses. make dentist appointments. you name it. so I feel so lost without her. My sister started making appointments for me but I told her I needed to start growing up. so I have done some stuff on my own but I need more. Im also trying to find a comfortable line between distractions and actually dealing with issues. My wife is the one person I could always trust andwhen she did this it destroyed my world. I can say that the only thing keeping me going is my love. not just the love i have for her, also for my family, friends, strangers etc. im a very loving person i just want to start loving myself. I feel that if she never comes back i dont want to remarry or date or anything, because she is the girl of my dreams but i'm tired of hurting us so I only want her if I can be happy first. I believe in her and myself and im honest so i know i need help. I just can't stop thinking about her. she's all I know. my heart beats her name everyday. and she just got tired of my issues. and I'm tired too


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## Toshiba2020

i think it was as painful for her as it was for you. i think the best thing you can do at this point is to come to terms with it. next time you talk to her dont say you want her back or that you will change, show her that you have moved on but would like some closure and then maybe she will tell you why she did it. with this information hopfully you van learn andbetter improve your life and maybe the two of you can be friends again one day.


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## ferndog

It hurts me so much. Im so in love with her so all I do is really try to better myself. It will take time but I will get better. As far as being friends with her. Last time I talked to her (about two months ago) I told her this "I feel like if we were on a boat, I jump in the water and the boat leaves.so at least as a friend can you tell me something or help me in anyway" she began to cry and told me I can never be your friend. She shut me out and I love her to much to try and win her back when I'm not fixed. Also I don't know how people canbe friends with someone they love so much, I can't do that. Why would I want to hurt myself seeying the woman that I married with someone else. I rather just stay away completely. Only hope I have is she told me maybe if you change well see but to convince her is gonna be so so hard. I went to school and asked for therapy but they are booked all thisquarter. My sister gave me a place so I emailed them. I'm trying to figure out why my wife did this so heartless when I should try to fix myself. I'm like a little kid. It's weird even my love is so extreme. I've always loved her so much, I never grew out of the puppy love. Since I was 15 I fewlt the same for her. I hope it's something that will make us stronger or at least to give me the strenght to feel comfertable in my own skin. I remember the first day I saw her and I didn't know her. I remember so many little details about her. what she wore when we first kissed. what day it was. It's so weird how many little details of her I know. I know her so well but yet this caught me by surprise. I miss her so much. I made a promise that even if she gave up on us that I must do everything I can to save us. I don't feel I've done enough. staying away is the first step of me showing her I love her. I don't bother her. I will never remarry again. what's the point.


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