# my husband is emotionally unavailable



## ella213 (Dec 8, 2009)

So I decided to post here b/c I need someone to talk too but I don't feel comfortable talking to friends and family about this.

I've been married now for almost 3 years and we just had a daughter, who's 4 months now. 

So here we go... A few weeks ago I found out my husband was cheating on me. He claims they were just talking nothing more but the girl is a stripper, so as you may have guessed I don't believe that for one sec. Well, we had a huge fight, then a few days later talked about everything and I thought that maybe we could get pass this. I'm a christian and I feel like God put us together, so morally I'm having a huge issue with even the thought of divorce. 


But now I'm suffering. We don't sleep together. He sleeps in the guest room, by choice. I've never asked him too. He's been sleeping there for about the last month or 2 now. Every now and then he sleeps in the same bed as me. It's almost like he's doing it out of guilt or just to keep me from nagging him. He is just not available (emotionally)... I feel like I have to force a conversation out of him but he can talk to his friends all day. 

I'm starting to withdraw now. I don't want to be hurt anymore and I feel like I can't invest anymore of my emotion..

I don't trust him anymore and he's not doing anything to make me feel like I should. 

He watches porn to get off, so when I'm ready he's not interested. How do I make this work?? I have needs too.. I don't want to cheat... But my emotional needs are not being met, and he doesn't seem to care one way or another?? I want to have a closeness, I want to feel loved?? I want it with my husband but he does not seem to want it with me.

Sorry for rambling...
Any thoughts, advice, input.....


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I have a similar experience to yours.

The two of you must go to marriage counseling. And be completely open and honest with each other - I cannot stress that enough. There is no room for hiding a thing - he must answer all of your questions.

But that doesn't mean nagging him. You are right to hurt and will feel that way a long time. But you need to pick the right time to approach him. If he doesn't ever let you ask questions then this is a major problem.

Does he still have contact with the other woman? That must end permanently. There is no room for compromise on that one - make sure if he doesn't stop contacting her, then the marriage is over.

Withholding sex is very bad and a marriage counselor should be able to help you.

Good luck - it will be a long journey.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I agree with Sven...counseling would be a good idea. 

You said that you learned of this affair a couple weeks ago, but that he has been withholding sex/sleeping in another room for over two months? I'm sorry, but this makes me mad. I am not sure of the other dynamics in your relationship, but you need to take a step back. 

Individual counseling may be good for you. It helps to get some perspective on yourself and the way you are dealing. Don't continue to live with this kind of behavior...don't push down your feelings and continue to pursue him when he is so obviously unavailable. This is a form of emotional abuse. Even if he was "just talking" with this girl...there are some deep underlying issues going on, and he needs to be honest with you.

Don't forget about you. Focus on yourself and your baby...and work on making yourself into a better person. Build up some strong emotional boundaries...do not let him hurt you through this behavior any more. It can damage you deeply as an individual to have your lover/best friend completely reject you.

Keep you head up and find some support...even if you do not feel comfortable talking to family/friends. Find something professional to talk to.

Good luck.


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## kindness (Dec 7, 2009)

I don't blame you for not trusting him!

My H is emotionally unexpressive, but what you're talking about is much more complex. Therapy? I love therapy, lol...

So did he cheat, or are you unsure? Either way, a married man keeping company with such a woman is questionable. Even if he didn't fool around with her, it's still a GIANT red flag.

Can I ask why you want to sleep with him? Don't feel that you need to answer me, I'm just trying to get you to examine your own motives. If things are so out of sorts right now, and you aren't trusting him, what would/is making love going to represent for you? 

Good luck, ella.

K


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