# Recent marriage already at risk!!



## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Hi,

This is my first thread in the website, hopefully I can get some help here. I live a very complex situation 

My husband and I got married 5 months ago and I am currently 6months pregnant...We are not young (37 and 40) and have been anxious to have kids and are very excited about this baby...

Before getting married, we went through a very hard time. I have a chronic desease but in good health and I knew last december that I had to take some drug probably until the end of my life. Since then, I felt him more hesitating about our relationship and less passionate about me. There is a risk (5 to 10%) for the baby to get the same thing.

Last April, we were together since a year already and I asked him to make up his mind, he was in a sort-of denial and scared knowing that I was pregnant. This was unplanned for and made a complex situation even more complex..I explained to him that things are not always perfect and that we sometimes need to deal with things in life and that the most important is that we have each other, he ended up somewhat facing his fears and we got married.

After 5 months marriage + a pregnancy + what we went through + me feeling somewhat rejected for carrying a chronic condition is not easy to forget, there is a lot to deal with here! I noticed we stopped being passionate in our relationship since the drug thing, sex is almost zero even before marriage but we have always been very tender with each other.

3 months ago, I got a text message from his cellphone saying ''we will still have our meeting'' and asked him who was this msg for? He said it wasn't him sending the message! and since then, I stopped trusting him. I confronted him because he has a bad reaction but he never admitted it was him sending the message.

I got into a panic mode and found a way to access his email and there I find emails from his ex who lives in another country. Emails were not so compromising but I sort of lost trust anyways as he said he stopped communicating with his ex since years. He was lying and I am certain he lied about the txt message.

I tried to talk to him many times and say that we need to know the root cause of the problem if we hope building solid foundations, he finds that the truth is not always the solution and that I should focus on how to improve our relationship and that I am not perfect and that I get often into a victim role.

What do you think about all this? I know there are a lot of problems already...I feel so disappointed about our marriage and the way things are going. I don't know why we got into this dead relationship?

I just don't know what to do and I also feel hurt by his doubtful actions.

Please provide me with advice. I find we are not into a happy future parents spirit at all 2 or 3 months from delivery and I know that with baby, things may get worse!?? I am desperate.

Diane.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Hi Diane, 

Please don't get panic because you must be a strong mother, you know? 

You can confront him all what you've found and tell him that you feel very hurt and he disappointed you.

If he regrets his lying to you and he felt very sorry, then you might want to give him a second chance after he comes all clean.

It's like you said, you want to work things out in marriage and you know you're more mature.

Usually men are more childish. Especially at this age, they like to feel young and attractive, keeping many women pending out there.

But, he's going to become a Dad, and he must be a good dad that your future baby deserves. It requires you to educate him, but you must not fall down. You stay strong, ok?



About sex:
1) Is it possible he confront manhood crisis?

As a man can't totally lack of interests in sex with you unless his testosterone level has gone down quietly. 40% of men at his age face some sort of terstosterone problems. When a man confronts sexual problems, his first reaction is to act cool. He might become very indifferent to you because he's very defensive and would avoid even just to talk about sex with you, meanwhile he would seek his manhood confidences by flirting with other females. If he has confronted sex performance problems in bed, you might want to bring him for a blood test to find out his terstosterone level.

2) Is he over-worrying?

As for now you're expecting and your belly is growing bigger, sometimes men don't like to have sex only because they are worrying about the baby.

It's first time for him to be a Dad, so you might want to provide some positve information about how to perform safe sex during pregnancy.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Diane,

Your expectations may be a little high for your situation. You had to prod this guy into proposing to you. Even before you got married, sex was "near zero". I don't believe you honestly know today if he's with you because he wants to be or because he felt he had to be. If his heart isn't in it, it's a little unrealistic to expect him to behave as if it is. Two months after you married, you found suspicious text messages? Maybe that explains his lack of eagerness to get married or the lack of sex before the marriage. Could be he had something going on elsewhere before he got married. 
I believe I would have a very calm, non-teary, non-threatening discussion with him. I would just throw it out there. "You are a wonderful man to be willing to marry me and assume the duties of father, but if your heart isn't 100% in this, you need to get free." You can be a supportive father without being my husband. If you decide to leave, I'm not going to take you to the cleaners or give you tons of drama. If you decide to stay, you're telling me that it's completely your choice and I expect you to be a loyal, loving, faithful, committed husband. We have been given less than an ideal way to start a relationship, but it isn't a trap. I would rather see you free and happy than to keep you against your will."


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Hi,
> Believe me I think about that sometimes and wonder if he married me by obligation especially that I was pregnant and he loves kids. I also told him about it and his reaction is 'don't question everything, you are paranoid and it is not fair to this innocent baby' he doen't see his baby without mom and dadnd arou, he is quite idealistic about this and cherich family.
> Now, don't get me wrong, he bought me a ring back in January and our intention was to get married but we had to get a final answer from Dr. regarding my condition - if I have or not to keep taking the medication forever, that happened in April and so I had to ask him firmly: what do you decide now? He is a very insecure and fearful person, I believe that I didn't really force him but I discussed this with him as normal people, it makes no sense to give up someone just because they have a chronic condition! So I had to explain few things. I still believe this affected him somehow because our sex life che canged since he knew I had to use this drug but sometimes I think it is maybe because of ou new routine, we are busy at work and he is crazy about renovation at home, he hates relaxing doing nothing, he is very very active even after work...That doesn't give us much time together, plus now the pregnancy.
> My message is I don't think I forced him, he was very happy to get married and he even cried from emotion when we were getting married, he is very very caring and tender and says he loves me everyday almost!!! I think I made him understand more than forced him! You know, things are not always ideal when it comes to loving relationships. I had to do effort because I love him. Oh and I forget a little detail here: His hesitation was more a logistic aspect! The drug is very expensive (600$ monthly) and out intention was to move back to his country (he is immigrant) and he felt very very bad for maybe not being able to earn enough money to get his wife the drug because health coverage in his country is ZERO so instead of paying 100$ (thanks to my employer) we would have to pay all the 600$ for life! He is a person who is very much worried about the future in general and is crazily cautious in various aspects.
> Now, I can always talk about this with him again and see how he feels. As I said, for him, marriage is for life.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

friendly said:


> Hi Diane,
> 
> Hi friendly
> 
> ...


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Hi diane...

I don't think it is a good idea for you to tell him that you checked his emails. Sometimes a husband needs to be secretive, therefore he feels that he still has some privacy. 

Since you found out already about the truth....you should ask him about it. Not confronting him but more into asking him to be honest with you. My husband doesn't like it if I confronted him of chatting and emailing his female friends and ex-es. we got into a huge arguments every time I confronted him. so I don't think you want to involve in such argumentation.


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

feylovelyheart said:


> Hi diane...
> 
> Well that's the problem. I don't want him to create more accounts and passwords and think of being even more secret about his life privacy, even though I think he wouldn't.
> 
> ...


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