# She won't tell me what she wants



## zach159 (Dec 7, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. She never says no to sex which is great but almost never initates it. I hasked her to tell me what she wants when we are playing but she either won't or can't. I have a high sex drive and want to drive her crazy but it would help if she could tell me what she wants and encourgage me in the right direction. It is to the point where I have suggested we play with other couple so that she would get more erotic. She definately wont do that but wont talk or teach me either. Our sex life is not terrible it just isnt all it could be. What should I do?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Does she complain or give you any indication that you are doing something wrong?

Has her sexual behavior with you changed since you first started having sex?


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## zach159 (Dec 7, 2015)

No, she does not tell me that there is anything wrong other than when I talk about us playing with others which I get. 

Sex is acutally better in the last few years bcause I have gotten better and started telling her exactly what I want but she has not followed in that direction.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

If she doesn't initiate, and is mostly just responsive, she may not really have anything else she wants.

I have this issue sometimes... I'm asked what I want, and I just draw a blank. There's nothing in that moment that I want and am not getting. I'm perfectly fine with what I've got.

Is there a reason that you feel she wants something and isn't asking for it?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

zach159 said:


> No, she does not tell me that there is anything wrong other than when I talk about us playing with others which I get.
> 
> Sex is acutally better in the last few years bcause I have gotten better and started telling her exactly what I want but she has not followed in that direction.


So sex has gotten better for you in the past but you're unhappy because she doesn't tell you how to make it better? 

Has it ever occurred to you that she enjoys the sex you two have just fine? That she's completely happy with you just as you are? 

Are you sure you're not using this to get her to agree to swinging?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Does she regularly have orgasms when the two of you have sex? 

Believe it or not, not all women desire drywall-cracking, bed-breaking sex. Many do, but some women are just fine with 15 minutes of good bread and butter fvcking and a climax for both of you. Some women are multi-orgasmic and love to go for hours (God bless em!). Some women like you to throw them around a little and get a bit rough, some just want nice and easy sex. 

If your wife is getting off regularly and not complaining, don't worry about it. Some women like a man who just takes them and does what he wants with them. Some women want the husband to take the lead. Your wife may be that type of gal. 

As for playing with others? Don't. Buy a sex swing.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

zach159 said:


> It is to the point where I have suggested we play with other couple so that she would get more erotic.


Oh, DANGER DANGER DANGER!

I'm assuming that you have good intentions with this. But she's very likely to hear this as, "You're not good enough, we should find another woman to fill the gap."


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## zach159 (Dec 7, 2015)

Maybe I am but I also think it would be more erotic if she communicated some during sex.


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## zach159 (Dec 7, 2015)

I think it is just frustrating that she does not know what she wants. Like she is supressing her sexuality in a small way.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

zach159 said:


> Maybe I am but I also think it would be more erotic if she communicated some during sex.


What...you mean the porn star moaning and screaming? 

Some women just don't do it. Doesn't mean you aren't getting her off. You sound like you have some insecurities you need to deal with.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

zach159 said:


> I think it is just frustrating that she does not know what she wants. Like she is supressing her sexuality in a small way.


Maybe you are already giving her what she wants. Ever thought of that? 

It's only suppressing her sexuality if she is not getting off to what you are doing. 

If she is regularly having orgasms, if she is letting you do what you want with her for your own pleasure, and you are not hurting her or humiliating her, then what the hell are you worried about? Be grateful you don't have a truly frigid wife like some of the poor guys here on TAM have to deal with.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Or how about role play? You could dress up like a Han Solo and she could dress up like an Princess Lea...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

The impression that I get from reading your posts is that you're either having an affair or experiencing a mid-life crisis. So what's prompted you to want all of these new sexual experiences?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I've found that women like a lot of touching and rubbing and massaging and such BEFORE the Main Event begins. Showing them you love them and such. If your wife says she's happy, it may be all YOUR problem. Please don't let this become too big of a problem, or you will find it becomes so stressful for her that it drives her away from you as far as sex, and you will be up a creek for sure. I actually for the first time recently had some experiences where I felt pressured for some long, major foreplay, drug out type of sex, and all I wanted at the time was just a "quickie" type of thing. It pretty much turned me off to feel like I was needing to give the full performance and I was only up for a skit. 

You'd better be very careful with this.......

You need to do some major researching on how to drive her crazy. And don't talk to her about it in the bedroom, as far as introducing things you think she might like and seeing what she thinks. Do it some other time. 

Just some possibly worthless thoughts of mine that I hoped might be helpful.

Oh, and I think you are really heading in a bad, dark, marriage-destroying area when you asked your wife if you could involve someone else in the bedroom. I personally, were I to ever marry again (I hope I will), would be headed out the door permanently if my wife asked me to include someone else in our bedroom. She may feel similarly. 
That's just out of the ballpark crazy for me, and I'd find it repulsive. Sure, I'm not everyone, but I suspect most people are leaning toward my end of the spectrum.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Most women like the man to take charge in bed. They just respond to it. If you are already doing that then you are already meeting part of her needs. The rest is being receptive to her body language.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps you suffer from performance anxiety. Not in the fact that you cannot perform but in the fact that each subsequent encounter must supersede the last. I dealt with this for a time before I realized that sometimes good enough is good enough. There will be mind blowing times and there will be okay times. If you put pressure on yourself, and her, to always make it better then you will forever be chasing an illusive foe. I suggest that you find contentment in what you have. As Bandit said there are many here that put up with far far worse. Enjoy what you have.

As to the introduction of another person/couple. I advise you to give that serious consideration before implementing such an action. It is replete with unintended consequences.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

OP, take a moment to look at it this way...

If she truly doesn't have anything more that she wants, there's nothing to ask for that she's not already getting, what options are you leaving her with?

- Continue to tell you she's satisfied, knowing that you don't believe her and will keep pressuring her for more.
- Lie and ask for something she doesn't really want, to appease you.
- Avoid sex, and therefore avoid the problem.
- Let you sleep with someone else.

Are you giving her a good option, from her perspective? If she's telling the truth, what do you think she should do about it?

By not trusting her to be honest with you, you're mostly just encouraging her to tell you what you want to hear. That might seem good to you, but it will slowly shut down honest communication on her end.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

My wife is HIGHLY sexual but unless she has been drinking or is just extremely horny she won't tell me what she wants either. I love it when she does, but it is jus tnot in her nature. So do things to turn yours on for a few hours before hand, see if you can get her to open up when she is really in the mood.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

zach159 said:


> What should I do?


Sometimes women like nothing more than to please their husbands. You should show her how to tease you and drive you crazy. Odds are if you can do it right, it will boost her self confidence as opposed to making her feel inadequate about her sexuality.

Play a game called "zach159 is NOT allowed to orgasm," and allow her to tie you up. If you fail in under 30 minutes, then you have to take her shoe shopping with a $500 budget. 










Cheers,
Badsanta


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## zach159 (Dec 7, 2015)

Thanks for the reply,


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