# Grace Under Fire



## familyfirst09

So this is my new "Life After Divorce" thread. 

I am not going to link to my previous thread in Private since this one is public. There will be no discussion of douche ex or tramp and will focus on my three new life goals of trying to live "gracefully". I am over and done with all the drama.

Short background:

A year and a half ago I told my husband I was not in love with him anymore. But "we" tried to make it work because I really did love him but was really overwhelmed with everything in my life at the time. I put "we" in quotes because unknown to me, he was screwing his co-worker whom he now lives with. I made alot of mistakes which I have openly admitted and have gotten help to work through and I spent almost a year trying to save my marriage which came to an end in July 2013. I will never hide from my part in the collapse of my marriage but I hope when "mr right" comes along, I have learned enough to not make the same mistakes again.

I have a beautiful daughter who still has ups and downs with everything - ex is definitely an absent father and "does his time" when necessary which is every second weekend but that is it.

So this is my life now, acceptance is key. I don't believe in "new year's resolutions but am making some "new life" resolutions. Three in particular which im hoping this thread will remain focused on.

1. Better Health - Mind and Body
2. Better Finances - Sticking to the Budget and Saving for DisneyLand!
3. Gulp....Dating...

#3 is not even on my radar at this time.

I am as stubborn as they come so this has been a loooooooong journey for me and I know it will continue to be a long, difficult journey but knowing is half the battle right?

Thanks DD for the thread title - I won't give up my stubborness and I am not going to let anyone walk over me or my daughter anymore but I do plan on sticking up for us and living my life as gracefully and as respectfully as possible. Doesnt mean I am not going to tell someone to "F" themselves, I will just find a nice way to do it 

So that's it for now. I will chime in later tonight with how i've begun to try and achieve this goals.


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## 06Daddio08

Welcome to the other side!


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## doubletrouble

When I was young, someone called me stubborn. 

I said no, that's _persistence_!

Puts a positive spin on the mindset.


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## Jellybeans

06Daddio08 said:


> Welcome to the other side!


We have cookies!


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## Pluto2

Jellybeans said:


> We have cookies!


You made me laugh.
My kids have a button that reads "I've been to the dark side. They lied about the cookies."

OP, stick to your plan and you will feel fabulous!


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## familyfirst09

Haha, thanks 
Well I'm definitely persistent then. However I have learned some things and people are just not worth the energy required to be persistent. So we have to be persistent for things and people who matter most and in my case it's my kiddo and myself 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Northern Monkey

Just checking in FF. I'd join you guys in this section but as you know I'm still waiting for ex to stump up the cash for the divorce she so very wants lol.


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## vi_bride04

Hi FF!!!!


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## sandc

Standing by with the 2x4 of love and encouragement. Can't wait to hit you upside the head with it.


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## familyfirst09

Where were you with the 2x4 for the past few months?? 

Hi Vi!! Hi Monkey man 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Fair enough but I'm here now! No more of that nonsense. I'll be watching....

I swear, I can't leave you alone for a single second.


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## Ceegee

Welcome, FF.


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## philglossop

Welcome to light side- trust me it's hopefully more light hearted than where we've come from!!

Who mentioned cookies again......Jelly/Pluto?????


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## familyfirst09

Thanks for the welcomes!! I am finally glad to be on this side of the fence, altho will be more glad once the legal bills are paid off haha. And yes Jellybeans mentioned cookies!!
SandC, please do keep an eye on me, I apparently need it haha. 

I have lots more to say but hard to do on this new phone. 

But if anyone wants to share their biggest challenges on this side and what they've been doing to overcome them, I would love to hear. Especially around being financially stable as a single mom. I do get child support (very minimal) and he doesn't pay for anything else for D. I've got a good budget plan set up but not sure how to stick to it properly and successfully. Ive never had to do this on my own before. A Lot harder than I thought but I'm definitely up for the challenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> sandc, please do keep an eye on me, i apparently need it haha.


ಠ_ಠ


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## doubletrouble

When my W was a single mom, she struggled. She worked two jobs and everything was for her DD. She married a guy eventually, thinking she would finally have a family for them, but she found the wrong guy. So advice from her experience is don't try to put 10 pounds of taters in a 5 pound bag. Take your time. You may struggle, but it's you and D against the world, and you can do it.


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## GutPunch

Congrats!


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## familyfirst09

Thanks GP, I hope your holidays were good. Im sure they were much better this year than last year 

There would be no way I could work two jobs, my full time job is like having three jobs, lol. But luckily I can earn overtime and my boss tells me to fill my boots so I try to as much as possible. 

Its not as easy anymore tho, my income dropped 7 grand this year compared to previous years because of the reduced overtime i have not been able to work. I used to work the overtime after D went to bed (and when "happily married" while she was awake which was not right of me to do and was one of our issues) and I still do now or on the weekends she is not with me. But now, I am usually so tired after she goes to bed, I usually go to bed shortly afterwards myself so hence no overtime pay.

As I said, one of my goals is a healthy mind and body. I joined the healthy living club on tam which is great so far, lots of great support and advice on there for anyone looking to get to a healthy living. I am hoping this will help give me more energy in the evenings because I know alot of what we eat affects our energy, at least it is for me. 

But im also up at 5am and need my sleep lol but I would be happy with 6 hours so I could have 3 hours to myself after D goes to bed if I can just stay awake!

I have a budget based on my regular salary and for the next 3 months its going to be tight so im trying to cut corners where I can. In March the lawyer will finally be paid off so that will help things. I am worried about trying to stick to my budget. If anyone has any tips or tricks for this please share!!


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## philglossop

Tips on saving money?? Food tips!

Here in the UK the supermarkets have premium brands in your eye line (ie think Heinz for example). Next to those will be supermarkets own brand which are pretty good. But normally on the lowest shelf will be the supermarket budget brands. It can be hit and miss- but if your making a home made tomato sauce in a hurry, in my eyes a tin of chopped tomatoes is a tin of chopped tomatoes. Saving here in the UK is a about a pound a can (all adds up).

I shop in supermarkets about half an hour before they shut- get loads of meat/fish bargains for the freezer. I picked up a side of salmon once for 50p. Froze it and cooked it for a dinner party the following week for 8 people! 

We have 2 German based supermarkets here- premium quality but at a fraction of the cost, some of the Polish Shops are just as good here as well (just ask how to cook when you buy as the cooking instructions are all in Polish/Ukrainian etc!)

Also all praise the "Pound Shops"- when you can get the luxury stuff for £1- ideal for toiletries, some washing powder and household cleaning things.

All stuff before I'd have bought in 1 big shop. Not anymore!!

Just remember 1 simple thing. You can cost cut, but there will be always a couple of things I will not ever cut back on- in my case it's Yorkshire Tea Bags, decent coffee granules for the hit in the morning and Fairy Fabric Softener. Those things are important, as you'll know you're cutting back, but we're all allowed a little luxury in the toughest of periods (and you won't feel so bad at cutting back!)


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## Conrad

I can't do without the Yorkshire tea bags either


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## familyfirst09

Thanks for the tips!! For me, it's my hair and D's hair, both cost a lot of money to get done once every few months but it has to get done!!
I'm going to try the smaller markets around here. We don't have anything fancy but they may be cheaper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

W cuts my hair in the kitchen, but then spends $200/month on Amazon. *shrug*


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## familyfirst09

Lol. Well you do have to allow for some "luxury" items altho I am not a high maintenance or fancy person or anything like that but I am a total hair snob lol. And D has big poofy curly hair (she's African american) so I need to spend the money to get her hair done because I simply cannot do it myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

Well look likes the budget planning is going to have to wait another 2 weeks, ugh. Its okay tho because its because of my life goal of healthy mind and body. I really need to stock up my fridge with some healthy goodies to be able to make some decent meals and get my eating habits better. I was able to get to the gym 5 times this week, (yay me!) but still I was up a friggin pound on the scale yesterday 

So today is grocery day and I only had a small budget originally for groceries but I have to up that, pretty much double it in order to clean out my fridge and pantry and re-stock it with healthy good stuff. We all know we are what we eat and if im eating crap, then im going to feel like crap. And honestly, working out 5 times a week is a total freakin waste if im not eating properly.

I have no one to be accountable to now...I do what I want, when I want. Mostly that's a great thing eh? However, in this case, I have no one watching over my shoulder monitoring what im eating and making comments on everything and on my weight now (ex used to do that) so now I have to be responsible for myself.


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## sandc

Just remember that muscle weighs more than fat.


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## familyfirst09

Oh I know but not a whole friggin pound! Lol. And I've done way more cardio this week than weights so if I was eating properly and drinking water, I am sure I would have been down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

Jellybeans said:


> We have cookies!



Excuse me, she said better health . I kid


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## familyfirst09

Lol, you really are a hard azz aren't you D? 

But no cookies for me right now, if I can get the scale to move this week, perhaps a treat on Friday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

familyfirst09 said:


> Lol, you really are a hard azz aren't you D?
> 
> 
> 
> But no cookies for me right now, if I can get the scale to move this week, perhaps a treat on Friday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You know me, it's all about the healthy living.


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## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Lol, you really are a hard azz aren't you D?
> 
> 
> 
> But no cookies for me right now, if I can get the scale to move this week, perhaps a treat on Friday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Scales mean nothing. Eat right and live right. The rest will work itself out on its own.


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## 06Daddio08

Agree with Ceegee. The scale is only 1 indicator you can use to check progress and it's not always accurate.

The more you workout, even on the elliptical, the more muscle you will gradually start building and for a while you will plateau in weight. It's not until your body makes that transition will you notice the scale move again.

It can also happen more than once. I went from 300 to 260, then 265 to 245 and the longest plateau I had was 230. I sat at 230 for man I dunno .. 4 months? Yet, my waist was getting smaller and I was gaining more muscle mass. At that point I was content with where I was for the time being, I still worked out regularly but allowed myself a mental break from progress.

Now that I'm training for the half marathon, I've gone from 230 to 224. My lowest yet.

Just keep at it FF09! Get the basics down, give it a go for a month and then adjust. Keep doing it like that.


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## familyfirst09

I know the scale doesn't mean anything but I've also gone up a few sizes as well. and so far nothing is fitting better. 
Tomorrow morning I am going to measure and also take pictures. 

I got all my groceries today and will be cooking and freezing some chicken tomorrow, making some low fat banana bread and also going to experiment with cous cous!! I got a ton of yogurt and some great salad stuff. So hopefully I will see progress this week!!

The budget took a big hit but I did do some bargain shopping, went to 3 different stores based on the deals and I only bought what was on the list and no junkie food!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

06Daddio08 said:


> Agree with Ceegee. *The scale is only 1 indicator you can use to check progress and it's not always accurate.*
> 
> The more you workout, even on the elliptical, the more muscle you will gradually start building and for a while you will plateau in weight. It's not until your body makes that transition will you notice the scale move again.
> 
> It can also happen more than once. I went from 300 to 260, then 265 to 245 and the longest plateau I had was 230. I sat at 230 for man I dunno .. 4 months? Yet, my waist was getting smaller and I was gaining more muscle mass. At that point I was content with where I was for the time being, I still worked out regularly but allowed myself a mental break from progress.
> 
> Now that I'm training for the half marathon, I've gone from 230 to 224. My lowest yet.
> 
> Just keep at it FF09! Get the basics down, give it a go for a month and then adjust. Keep doing it like that.


Oh, I agree. However your clothes (that pair of jeans in the closet) will never lie to you.


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## familyfirst09

Exactly, which is why I want to measure myself. I have been at the same jean size for about half a year, but they are tighter than a year ago lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08

drerio said:


> Oh, I agree. However your clothes (that pair of jeans in the closet) will never lie to you.


For sure.

The biggest indicator for me was near the end of this summer at work. While at work I typically (now) wear sleeveless shirts in the summer, I hadn't kept up on my laundry and needed to wear a half decent sleeved shirt I usually wear going out. It was more snug than I'm used to.

I work in a plant with not a lot of women on the floor but over 500 guys on any given day. Out of no where I was getting all of this attention, saying I lost a lot of weight and I was looking good. One day I lost count at 15 compliments ... I even had people coming to find me and asking me.

When I was my biggest, I was in a smaller department and sort of secluded. Now that I drive forklift everywhere not a lot of people know the 'old' me. A few days ago someone retired and they had a pizza party, I didn't go and some asked me why not. On Thursday a few guys asked me if I ate anything other than spinach and broccoli (haha). I told them I was keeping an eye on what I ate and enjoyed doing so.

Of course, guys being guys they like to rib on you. Well ... I cracked out my 'fat pictures' that I keep on my phone and showed them. The look on their faces was priceless and one guy said "yeah, keep on that salad.".

I normally don't intrude on people at the gym when they're working out and are a bit bigger. Clearly starting out, but if they are doing a workout wrong or need a spot I will help them out and I have shown them the photo as well. I love being able to motivate people and showing them it can be done ... if a lazy dude who did nothing but play video games all day and eat junk food can do it, anyone can. Lol.

Keep at it FF09! I also did it on a budget of basic, bland and plain foods. Funny enough, I haven't been able to break that habit of eating very boringly. But it allows me to save money and get out every so often plus the results are motivating. Haha.

Like you said in the group, we're both in the "get up at 5am" club and by the time the day is said and over with our kid(s) it's a 12 hour day. The longer you keep it going, the easier it will get and eventually you will find that you can't go more than a day or two without working out.


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## Ceegee

06Daddio08 said:


> For sure.
> 
> 
> 
> The biggest indicator for me was near the end of this summer at work. While at work I typically (now) wear sleeveless shirts in the summer, I hadn't kept up on my laundry and needed to wear a half decent sleeved shirt I usually wear going out. It was more snug than I'm used to.
> 
> 
> 
> I work in a plant with not a lot of women on the floor but over 500 guys on any given day. Out of no where I was getting all of this attention, saying I lost a lot of weight and I was looking good. One day I lost count at 15 compliments ... I even had people coming to find me and asking me.
> 
> 
> 
> When I was my biggest, I was in a smaller department and sort of secluded. Now that I drive forklift everywhere not a lot of people know the 'old' me. A few days ago someone retired and they had a pizza party, I didn't go and some asked me why not. On Thursday a few guys asked me if I ate anything other than spinach and broccoli (haha). I told them I was keeping an eye on what I ate and enjoyed doing so.
> 
> 
> 
> Of course, guys being guys they like to rib on you. Well ... I cracked out my 'fat pictures' that I keep on my phone and showed them. The look on their faces was priceless and one guy said "yeah, keep on that salad.".
> 
> 
> 
> I normally don't intrude on people at the gym when they're working out and are a bit bigger. Clearly starting out, but if they are doing a workout wrong or need a spot I will help them out and I have shown them the photo as well. I love being able to motivate people and showing them it can be done ... if a lazy dude who did nothing but play video games all day and eat junk food can do it, anyone can. Lol.
> 
> 
> 
> Keep at it FF09! I also did it on a budget of basic, bland and plain foods. Funny enough, I haven't been able to break that habit of eating very boringly. But it allows me to save money and get out every so often plus the results are motivating. Haha.
> 
> 
> 
> Like you said in the group, we're both in the "get up at 5am" club and by the time the day is said and over with our kid(s) it's a 12 hour day. The longer you keep it going, the easier it will get and eventually you will find that you can't go more than a day or two without working out.



Pays off exponentially if you get your kids involved. 

I made tortilla soup tonight. 

It's nothing but chicken breast, zucchini, squash, carrots, chicken broth and Rotel (I leave the potatoes out - don't need the starch). We all love it. 

I treat myself to sockeye salmon once a week. Add side of green beans. It's my favorite. 

It's the routine that pays off. Don't give up. Even if the weights not dropping off you're getting healthier.


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## Conrad

Ceegee said:


> Pays off exponentially if you get your kids involved.
> 
> I made tortilla soup tonight.
> 
> It's nothing but chicken breast, zucchini, squash, carrots, chicken broth and Rotel (I leave the potatoes out - don't need the starch). We all love it.
> 
> I treat myself to sockeye salmon once a week. Add side of green beans. It's my favorite.
> 
> It's the routine that pays off. Don't give up. Even if the weights not dropping off you're getting healthier.


Salmon is a love potion.


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> Exactly, which is why I want to measure myself. I have been at the same jean size for about half a year, but they are tighter than a year ago lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tsk, tsk


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## Ceegee

Conrad said:


> Salmon is a love potion.



That explains a lot.


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## sandc

Drink more water than you can stand.


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## familyfirst09

Lol, well I don't like salmon so no love potion for me 

I was down 3.2 lbs this morning and have been to the gym every day and yes am drinking more water than I can stand for sure!! Its been a fun week and it has paid off so I am happy about that 

Will post more later, happy Eff day everyone 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

Conrad said:


> Tsk, tsk


. Hi Conrad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

Well my friends I bet you would never hear me say this - YAY IM FREE!!!! LOL.

D just left with [email protected] and I have a free weekend. I really do enjoy my free time now, who would have thunk it  Now, mind you, she does call me constantly when she is with him but I adore it and don't mind in the least (altho that could get complicated if and when I start dating but im not going to worry about that now!)

As I said earlier, I had an awesome week with eating healthy and exercising - down 3.2 lbs (just to repeat it cause im so excited about it!). Funny thing is I sacrificed my budget planning last week to prepare for this new healthy eating and I ended up actually saving money because I barely spent any this week at work because I wasn't buying any snacky food, etc.

Work is absolutely nuts which is when I love it the most. I was selected to sit on an executive committee and my boss is putting in a reclass for me which could potentially mean a 15 thousand dollar per year raise (fingers crossed!!). It won't happen anytime soon but it does mean that i've really put myself back together when it comes to work after everything that has happened and people have noticed.

Now for my funny (?) story - I have a stalker, lol. I certainly hope he's not dangerous or anything and goes away but its funny, I haven't deal with this in quite some time. It's a guy I met right before xmas at the gym, just idle chit chat, nothing serious, I was actually "off the market" or so I thought so any thought of anything like that was not even on my brain. Very attractive and in very good shape. Anyway, I ran into him again the day I went back to work after the new year, so about 2 weeks ago now I guess, again more just idle chit chat. Next thing I know he is emailing me at work! He actually looked me up on our government site (my info is public as a government employee). I exchanged a few emails and he asked me if I wanted to go for coffee. I said sure why not, at first I actually thought it was kinda cute that he looked me up like that. 

However, then he started emailing constantly and even calling me during work hours. The name that came up on his email was different than what he told me his name was and he had a lame excuse (the bells are going off) and he didnt seem to have his own phone (seriously who doesnt have a phone??). He was also very sketchy about where he worked. So the alarm bells were too much so I told him politely I was not interested and I just wanted to focus on myself and my daughter.

Well that caused a flurry of email saying "after everything I shared" lol I didnt even know his real name as far as I knew which is how I responded. He comes back with "we will see each other soon and talk about this" I didnt bother responding. He emailed a few more times and I ignored them. And thankfully I have not seen him at my gym. Then he calls me, again, while im at work, I tell him im in a meeting so he says " I will see you soon, ill send you an email" I just hung up. That phone call was just yesterday afternoon. Gross.

Thankfully he does not know any of my personal information (where I live, etc) and if he contacts me again, I am going to tell him I am going to contact the police if he contacts me again and I am also going to tell the gym about him.

So funny...but could be scary as well...altho I am not worried.

One of these days I will meet a decent guy and he will actually STAY a decent guy!!

My girlfriend is on her way over and we are going to do our hair and have some girl time tonight. I deserve a glass of wine after a terrific week (only one Drerio I promise ) And im going to work the rest of the weekend to earn some overtime. I was actually asked out on a "date" by an old friend for tomorrow night (dinner and a movie) but I turned him down. Just not into it right now.

D is doing great, altho she still hates going with ex but we don't dwell on it much, its only for a short period of time. Ive been working through a parenting program which is helping both of us and im still getting individual therapy to help continue to plow through my issues and why the heck do I keep attracting douch*'s? My girlfriend says I am a magnet for them haha. Let's hope that changes soon.

Have a great weekend everyone


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## sandc

Enjoy your weekend! And be careful of stalker. There is a 90% chance that he is married.


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> . Hi Conrad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you look as good as you now sound, you're in great shape.


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## familyfirst09

lol, I don't think he is married but you are right, you never know nowadays. And thank you Conrad 

What does your tag line "Forgive or Re-live" mean?


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> lol, I don't think he is married but you are right, you never know nowadays. And thank you Conrad
> 
> What does your tag line "Forgive or Re-live" mean?


It means truly let it go.

Just like you (finally) have.



You won't be re-living that relationship in your next one.


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## Ceegee

Conrad said:


> It means truly let it go.
> 
> 
> 
> Just like you (finally) have.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You won't be re-living that relationship in your next one.



How?


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## Conrad

Ceegee said:


> How?


Keep talking to us and working on you.

Work on claiming your happiness from the inside.


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## sandc

That's right FF. You never know. Right? Right??!


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## familyfirst09

Sometimes it's still hard. Sometimes there are still "down days" like today. No one would have known it, I do pretty well at masking now. But today I feel glum and sad that my life is the way it is. I'm lonely and scared. 

But.....i do know now that these feelings will pass and they no longer define me or cause me to to do foolish things. I just let them be. No sense in fighting them and no looking backwards. So I will sit and wait it out and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

You need to fill that hole in yourself by yourself. No one can fill it for you. No one can make you any awesomer than you already are. You just need to see yourself as you are, which is just fine thank you.


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## doubletrouble

It sounds like you're learning to heal. It can be a long process, but the great thing about that is you get to look forward to better days, every day. Sometimes you'll backslide, sure. But then you get to look back at where you WERE, and suddently realize how far you've come. That's the epiphany moment.


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> Sometimes it's still hard. Sometimes there are still "down days" like today. No one would have known it, I do pretty well at masking now. But today I feel glum and sad that my life is the way it is. I'm lonely and scared.
> 
> But.....i do know now that these feelings will pass and they no longer define me or cause me to to do foolish things. I just let them be. No sense in fighting them and no looking backwards. So I will sit and wait it out and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Better yet, go do something fun and it will pass sooner.


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## GutPunch

familyfirst09 said:


> Sometimes it's still hard. Sometimes there are still "down days" like today. No one would have known it, I do pretty well at masking now. But today I feel glum and sad that my life is the way it is. I'm lonely and scared.
> 
> But.....i do know now that these feelings will pass and they no longer define me or cause me to to do foolish things. I just let them be. No sense in fighting them and no looking backwards. So I will sit and wait it out and hopefully tomorrow will bring happier thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep....tomorrow will be awesome.

Just look how far you have come and how strong you have been.


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## familyfirst09

I definitely have come a long way, altho some days I feel like I havent. I don't post here every day so that has to be a good sign eh? LOL. 

Even tho it has been a few "down" days, I still don't let them get to me the way I used to. I've been still getting my gym workouts in and my eating is going great and budget is doing well. Still have a long way to go with that. 

A friend of mine wants to hook me up with a guy friend of hers. He met me and wants to know if I am interested. I dunno, just still not feeling that. My anger and disappointment is still there and I really don't want to take that into my next REAL relationship. Have to figure out a way to not let D*uche ex's moronic behaviour affect me because it still does. Its because it affects my daughter, I know that, but I still don't want to take those feelings into another relationship. Time will help with that.

D is doing well, but again, also is dealing with his moronic behaviour (like telling her the doctor was going to slit her wrist open because its sprained) WTF???? So I let her vent to me about him but keep any negative comments to myself and I don't say anything to him because its a waste of energy (which I need for shoveling lol). This is my third week of our parenting program and so far so good. I now have the school more involved with her punishments and rewards and she has moved to the "big girl" table and is helping grade primary and one students (she is in grade one) with their reading which is really great for her.

She is also helping me with the healthy eating and is helping me bake and cook on the weekends (so far we will see how long that lasts ha).

So, needless to say, we both have come a long way. I am not really sure when I get to get to the point of "i've made it" because I did have tears just the other night because I felt so lonely. But when I look back to a year ago.....


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## doubletrouble

It's a long, slow climb, but you're well on your way. This all sounds positive to me. 

Have you ever climbed a mountain in real life? You go along the trail, huffing and puffing, looking up and seeing the top. But when you get to the top, you realize it's just the top of the next ridge. The real top is a little farther. But it's OK; you can still see it. And you will get there. And when you do, the view is fantastic, the air is so clean and fresh, and you feel like you're on top of the whole entire world. 

You are taking this in a healthy manner, not going into a relationship and poisoning it with remnants of the last one. You could take on a male friend, an actual friend, and maybe that could help (depending on the person). But at this point it sounds risky. Focus on you and D and the new life you are forging, just like you're doing. 

And yes, you have come a long way.


----------



## sandc

Ugh... please stay away from human entanglements for a while. YOU will know when you are ready.


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## familyfirst09

Life is relatively boring...is that a good thing or a bad thing? hmmmmm.....

Everything seems to be the same, is this how it is supposed to be now? I still feel "out of sort"...waiting for something to happen...good or bad....

Ive been doing really well with my healthy life goal, going to the gym almost every day, good eating and have lost a bit of weight. My moods are up and down, per usual. And no SandC, no human entanglements for me lol. 

My therapist really thinks I should get myself out there and start dating, she says I am "overdue" lol. She thinks it may be just what I need to kick myself and my self esteem into gear. But I said I would give myself to March to get settled with my new budget and healthy living and I am going to stick to that.

I am going to go outside my comfort zone this weekend and attend a "meet and greet" at a local restaurant for some new folks in the area. If anything, its a good way to expand my social circle. I've chatted with a few new people (women and men) in the group and all seem like very nice people, and fun and funny as well! So even tho I am probably going to be uncomfortable at first, I am still going to get out of my shell on Saturday.

D is doing well, we are three weeks into the parenting program and we are both doing well with it and I am noticing improvements with her attitude and also notice improvements in my patience with her. Its a long haul for a kid that has to go thru and live with this stuff too. She is going with him this weekend and she has a bday party sleepover to go to Saturday night. Last night she told me she felt guilty for going to the sleepover and she didnt want her friends to think she lived with her father. I asked her if she would feel guilty if she was going to it while she was with me and she said no so I told her she should not feel guilty for spending time with her friends regardless of who she is with. We really never know what goes on in the mind of a child.....

Ive said this a TON of times but it always feel like I should be doing MORE...im just not sure what MORE is....:scratchhead: I miss talking to someone on a daily basis and I don't know what to do with my loneliness, I guess that is normal? We will see what happens on Saturday, hopefully I will meet some new people, bring a bit of grown up fun into my life again.


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## familyfirst09

doubletrouble said:


> It's a long, slow climb, but you're well on your way. This all sounds positive to me.
> 
> Have you ever climbed a mountain in real life? You go along the trail, huffing and puffing, looking up and seeing the top. But when you get to the top, you realize it's just the top of the next ridge. The real top is a little farther. But it's OK; you can still see it. And you will get there. And when you do, the view is fantastic, the air is so clean and fresh, and you feel like you're on top of the whole entire world.
> 
> You are taking this in a healthy manner, not going into a relationship and poisoning it with remnants of the last one. You could take on a male friend, an actual friend, and maybe that could help (depending on the person). But at this point it sounds risky. Focus on you and D and the new life you are forging, just like you're doing.
> 
> And yes, you have come a long way.


I've never climbed a real mountain but this journey is definitely a mountain. I have thought of the idea of a "male" friend just to hang out with but you are right, I think it is too risky for me at the moment. I do have some male friends but they tend to want to be more than friends which I don't want. Perhaps with this new group I am meeting on Saturday, maybe there will be some decent guys but I am more hoping to meet some new girlfriends. My social circle pretty much consists of married women.


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## sandc

Hey FF! Actually getting bored is kind of a good sign. It means you're healing emotionally. No, really! You aren't constantly worrying about douche or douchette. Now, this is just my opinion but if you want friends, just look for friends. Don't worry about what sex they are. Meetup groups are good for that. Just go out and have some fun. Don't try to "date". I would caution against specifically seeking "male" friends at the moment. Here is an interesting read on that subject:

On Spending Time With the Opposite Sex

It's speaking to people who are in committed relationships but even single people can learn from the article. Such as...

"The problem is precisely that it’s not intentional. It sneaks up on you because that’s what it’s supposed to do. It’s a human instinct to bond with people of the opposite sex who are near to you, and to do it very quickly. And the deeper the exposure, the quicker the bond.

This is why the best pickup lines in the world are based around,

Tell me your problems…I’ll just listen."


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## Conrad

She's got friends.

The best kind.


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## familyfirst09

I have no desire to date...makes me ill to think about it some days...especially this morning. Not even sure if I feel up to going to the meet and greet now, I hate this roller coaster.

I was saying to my girlfriend last night I want to get to a point to have someone in my life - someone when they text me, I smile, when I can't wait to see them, when im with them, I automatically sit next to them because that is where i belong. I thought I had that...well I guess I didnt and now I don't see it happening.

Anyway...no victim chair for me, Im heading to gym, maybe that will help clear my head and give myself a good kick in the azz to get out and meet some people today.

And Conrad if you are talking about my TAM friends then yes I do  the very best kind.


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## sandc

So don't date. Go out and have fun with people. What you are looking for will happen organically. No need to orchestrate it.


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## familyfirst09

Well I didn't go to the meet and greet. By the time yesterday afternoon rolled around, I just simply was not in the mood. I think I need to be in the right mood to meet new people and I'm just not there, I certainly know how to torture myself, ha!

I did go out to a friends house last night to watch UFC and that was fun (not the fights but just hanging out). But again, it's the same people, married or coupled up. And some of the guys...well they are just cheatin' basta***. I really do need to expand my social circle, just don't feel ready. I think I'm having a few issues adjusting to some new meds I'm on, hopefully that will pass because I think it's affecting my mood...sigh....

Anyway...something slightly interesting happened today...I heard from "Frenchie"today...peeps who have been following me from my original thread know who frenchie is. Anyway, he has been in a relationship which is why I have not heard from him for quite some time (for the record, I did tell him a long time ago I was not looking for a relationship and I was also "involved" with someone else". Him and his girlfriend broke up so he thought he would say hi, see how I was doing. So we chatted a bit, he's heading out to Sea for a few weeks and asked me if I wanted to get together when he got back. I told him to say hi when he got back and left it at that, anything can happen in a few weeks and I did not want my current mood to affect my response, so I didn't say yes or no. He said he was going to stay in touch while he was away, which I don't mind. He's been thru the same crap as me and has never "done me wrong" in anyway. 

So I dunno...sometimes it's just nice to know someone is thinking about you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08

There's no rush when it comes to dating or even making new friends. Listening to your gut on that and not pushing yourself in a direction you really don't want to go is a good thing.

You could always just start little chit chat with people you usually don't talk to and build little new relationships here and there. Even those are great things to have from time to time.

I have a few people at work and at the gym that I don't think I'd really hang out with a lot, but we have casual conversations and a few good laughs. Some are 20 years older than me, others are 10 years younger.

It's all in good fun.


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## familyfirst09

Do some people have switches?? Seriously? How do some people just turn their feelings off and ignore everything, all the hurt and pain they cause someone. Ignore all the words and actions. Think it's okay to treat someone like crap and play with your emotions like it's a game. There has to be a switch, got to be. I know I've been an emotional zombie in the past but I've never ignored someone just for the hell of it, out of spite, or for selfish reasons. I don't understand how someone can hurt someone else the way some people do. 

Sorry just venting. Reading thru some things bringing up all kinds of stuff. I guess that's good, to get it all out. I miss my happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

I don't have a switch. I just try to redirect. When I start getting down I try to preoccupy myself with something else. Doesn't always work but usually does.


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## familyfirst09

Good idea. I'm strapping on my sneakers and gonna get my ass kicked by jillian Michaels. Its healthier than drowning in the victim chair. Hate that chair!!! And I hate trusting people!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Good idea. I'm strapping on my sneakers and gonna get my ass kicked by jillian Michaels. Its healthier than drowning in the victim chair. Hate that chair!!! And I hate trusting people!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should know better than to trust anyone without running it by me first!


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## LanieB

FF, what the heck?! I just found this thread! I was wondering where you'd gone. You gotta check in with me babe! 

Anyway, I'm pretty sure you can trust me, FF. Wait, SandC, can she trust me?? Yes? No? How about if I promise to act right? I can do that. Sometimes. OK, let's just pretend I can.

You've gotta let the hurt go, FF. You've been through too much real pain to get sucked back into a meaningless pile of emotional poo. In the big scheme of things, this was just a bump in the road. You learn from it and don't look back. It's not worth it. Keep moving forward. 

You're doing great! Cheers to you! *holding up small plastic cow cup of cheap wine*


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## sandc

I dunno if she can trust you Lanie. You're one of those ditzy blonde types that... wait a second... so is FF!


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## familyfirst09

I'm doing better today, thanks xo. I am just too analytical for my own good, trying to understand how people can just walk in then out with no regard. But I am strong and I've gotten thru a whole lot of worse "poo". I do deserve better, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I lost my focus for a short period but time to get it back. Had a great workout last night and am all packed for the gym today. I've been spending time in the social groups which is why I have not been in the social spot very often (plus I am super crazy at work). I came across a thread yesterday, woman who's husband walked out. Gosh it triggered me, she sounds so much like me, like I was, it's amazing. I'm still reading thru her thread. 

My budget sucks and I think I am going to need help. Next month the lawyer will be paid off thankfully but I think I need professional help on how to implement my new budget and where and how to spend my money. 

I've been offered a job in BC...which would mean moving....im still debating it. I have til Wednesday of next week to decide and am scheduled to go to BC the week of the 20th for a face to face meeting with the President of the University, eek. I was soooo looking forward to it, such a huge change for me and D and definitely needed...now with recent developments and heart break, not so sure. I really need to weigh the pros and cons of it all. 

D got in trouble at school yesterday, basically acting like a goofball when she was supposed to be listening. Ex picked her up from school so I didn't hear about it til D got home and told me. She told me Ex told her to tell me to ground her...while he took her to DQ for supper and ice cream! Argh. I am not being the bad guy. He should be punishing her for stuff that happens on his time, not me. He didn't even tell me about it himself. Anyway, that is nothing new I guess. 

More snow moving in tonight, ugh, cannot wait for winter to be over, it has been brutal this year. 

Thanks for checking in on me, like I said sometimes it's just nice to know someone is thinking about you 

*raises up a glass with LanieB and sandc*  (and yes I am proud to be a ditzy blond too!!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08

The important thing is that you recognized the triggers were happening and didn't let your emotions go for a complete tailspin. It happens to everyone, we all have our bad moments, days and even a week or two. You're resilient.

Your ex telling your daughter to tell you to ground her sounds hilarious, don't you think? Kids will be kids after all.

If you take the job in BC and have a stop over in Manitoba, we'll have to have a drink at the Airport!


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## LanieB

FF, regarding the job in BC - is there a substantial pay raise? Do you have friends who live there? Do you have family living where you currently live that you would be leaving behind? Will you be responsible for transporting your daughter back and forth to see her dad? Would it really make you happy to move? Was the decision to first apply for this job based mainly on another person in the picture?

Some things to think about.

On your bad days, you might want to stay away from "triggery" threads. That's what I have to do. Sometimes I can be having a pretty decent day, and then I'll read a thread that will get to me. Sometimes I figure I have enough crappy drama of my own, I don't need to go searching for more! And neither do you! 

Ugg, I'm ready for Spring too. Even where I live the winter has been unusually cold. I miss leaves on the trees and green grass and flowers and warm sunshine and running and riding the 4-wheeler! I'm an outdoor girl - I HATE HATE HATE being cooped up in the house!


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## sandc

I would LOVE for you to move to BC, your sister is there right? But Lanie brought up a good point, what about your daughter? You'd have to rearrange the custody agreement wouldn't you?

Do you want to move to BC just so I'll visit? Don't disillusion me! 

But seriously, count the pros and cons of moving first. You've got a good job with good benefits. Does the other job have the same security and benefits? Being near your sister is definately a plus. What else?


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## doubletrouble

familyfirst09 said:


> (and yes I am proud to be a ditzy blond too!!)


Ditzy blondes have more fun


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## sandc

Ditzy blondes.... ditzier than regular blondes.


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## familyfirst09

Yes my sister is in BC. The rest of my family is here. Its a ton more money (and responsibility) but it's also twice as expensive to live out there. Ex is a joke as a "dad". I wouldn't have an issue there at all, in our agreement, moving requires a months notice for discussions. He'd probably kick up a stink for a minute for show but that be it. He never wanted to be a father and still doesn't, I accept that and D is adjusting to it. 

The biggest thing is...I was not just thinking of me and D when I chose to apply for the job and...well...whatever at this point right? 

So I dunno, more to think about, I've got a bit more time to weigh it all out. I'd lose on my house big time that is for sure but it could potentially be worth it. Its not a decision can I make in the emotional see saw I am in right now. 

And yes daddy, ex is quite hilarious. I'd be happy to swing by Manitoba anytime. Last time I was in BC I had a 3 hour stop over in Calgary!! 

Can I at least blame my blond dizziness for my recent mistakes??  (and tbh right now, my hair is slightly more red than blond, lol, time to get back to the hair salon)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

familyfirst09 said:


> *Yes my sister is in BC*. The rest of my family is here. Its a ton more money (and responsibility) but it's also twice as expensive to live out there. Ex is a joke as a "dad". I wouldn't have an issue there at all, in our agreement, moving requires a months notice for discussions. He'd probably kick up a stink for a minute for show but that be it. He never wanted to be a father and still doesn't, I accept that and D is adjusting to it.
> 
> The biggest thing is...I was not just thinking of me and D when I chose to apply for the job and...well...whatever at this point right?
> 
> So I dunno, more to think about, I've got a bit more time to weigh it all out. I'd lose on my house big time that is for sure but it could potentially be worth it. Its not a decision can I make in the emotional see saw I am in right now.
> 
> And yes daddy, ex is quite hilarious. I'd be happy to swing by Manitoba anytime. Last time I was in BC I had a 3 hour stop over in Calgary!!
> 
> Can I at least blame my blond dizziness for my recent mistakes??  (and tbh right now, my hair is slightly more red than blond, lol, time to get back to the hair salon)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cool, my brother and his family live in Surrey, BC


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## LanieB

Wow, FF, I can see why this decision is so hard. Don't you just HATE hard decisions? Why can't making decisions be easy? 

Based on how you've described your ex, I was thinking it was possible he might not mind if you take your daughter and move far away. What a jerk. 

Of course you can blame your mistakes on your blondeness! I do it all the time!  And then I laugh and laugh and laugh and skip off to do more silly things.


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## doubletrouble

I used to go through Surrey to cross the border when work travel took me to Abbotsford. Nice area.


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## sandc

LanieB said:


> Wow, FF, I can see why this decision is so hard. Don't you just HATE hard decisions? Why can't making decisions be easy?
> 
> Based on how you've described your ex, I was thinking it was possible he might not mind if you take your daughter and move far away. What a jerk.
> 
> Of course you can blame your mistakes on your blondeness! I do it all the time!  And then I laugh and laugh and laugh and skip off to do more silly things.


I was a blonde only until I was about 10. I can only blame myself now.


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## sandc

doubletrouble said:


> I used to go through Surrey to cross the border when work travel took me to Abbotsford. Nice area.


And if FF moves there, I've finally got an excuse to visit BC. 

No pressure.


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## doubletrouble

sandc said:


> I was a blonde only until I was about 10. I can only blame myself now.





sandc said:


> And if FF moves there, I've finally got an excuse to visit BC.
> 
> No pressure.


Hey me too, on both those statements. 

Although I love skiing in BC too.


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## sandc

doubletrouble said:


> Hey me too, on both those statements.
> 
> Although I love skiing in BC too.


I used to ski. Now I just stalk lovely Tamettes. I bring my wife along though so no worries.


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## doubletrouble

I haven't skiied in about three years, but I still have my boots and skis and such. So it's still in the future.


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## familyfirst09

Ok, so I'm adding skiing and visits from awesome guys to the pro list for moving to BC....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

doubletrouble said:


> I used to go through Surrey to cross the border when work travel took me to Abbotsford. Nice area.



Abbotsford is the airport I flew into!! Smallest airport I've ever seen lol. But you're right, it is beautiful. And barely any snow...which I would love as I sit looking at the 20 plus cm I am going to have to go shovel tomorrow when it finally decides to stop....argh!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Hey FF, in case you miss it, go here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/163577-official-valentines-day-thread-27.html#post6972034

And use a real PC, not that crackberry.


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Yes my sister is in BC. The rest of my family is here. Its a ton more money (and responsibility) but it's also twice as expensive to live out there. Ex is a joke as a "dad". I wouldn't have an issue there at all, in our agreement, moving requires a months notice for discussions. He'd probably kick up a stink for a minute for show but that be it. He never wanted to be a father and still doesn't, I accept that and D is adjusting to it.
> 
> 
> 
> The biggest thing is...I was not just thinking of me and D when I chose to apply for the job and...well...whatever at this point right?
> 
> 
> 
> So I dunno, more to think about, I've got a bit more time to weigh it all out. I'd lose on my house big time that is for sure but it could potentially be worth it. Its not a decision can I make in the emotional see saw I am in right now.
> 
> 
> 
> And yes daddy, ex is quite hilarious. I'd be happy to swing by Manitoba anytime. Last time I was in BC I had a 3 hour stop over in Calgary!!
> 
> 
> 
> Can I at least blame my blond dizziness for my recent mistakes??  (and tbh right now, my hair is slightly more red than blond, lol, time to get back to the hair salon)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Who else were you thinking of when you applied for this job? 

Just curious what your motivations are. 

It sounds exciting.


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## familyfirst09

For someone who entered my life...but has recently chosen to leave it...and that is all I will say about it on this thread. 

It is a very exciting opportunity that is for sure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> For someone who entered my life...but has recently chosen to leave it...and that is all I will say about it on this thread.
> 
> It is a very exciting opportunity that is for sure
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Looks over his glasses and shakes his head at FF*

You should know better.


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## familyfirst09

Yeah I know...and I do now...don't judge me! lol. You've given me enough lumber on the subject . 

Luv u 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Yeah I know...and I do now...don't judge me! lol. You've given me enough lumber on the subject .
> 
> Luv u
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't harp on you if I didn't care, you know that.


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## familyfirst09

I definitely, absolutely 100 percent know that. You, I would never not believe 

Live and learn as they say. I just have a hard time learnin'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

But sometimes I just want to smack the living daylights out of you!! Awww... heck. C'mere! *big hug*


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## familyfirst09

I definitely need the smack now and then...then the hug lol. sigh...eventually I will learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Dunno... jury's still out on you learning... 

I just want you to be happy without making the same mistake over and over. That's all.


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## familyfirst09

Haha, this is true. 
Everyone (including my therapist) says I will go thru a bunch of frogs before my REAL prince finds me...so I think that's a given that it's gonna happen. and as my FB cover photo says "I'd rather live a life full of mistakes then have a heart full of regrets" (or something like that) 

I believed in someone...I have to do that otherwise I will be lonely and alone and bitter and sad the rest of my life. I have to believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

You DON'T have to kiss every frog that comes along (no offense to Frenchi) to find a prince. You can make them prove they are a prince. They do not get to test drive you. You are worth more than that. You are better than that. We need to work on your self-esteem.


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## LanieB

Good morning, FF! Today is a new day, and I bet it's going to be great! Keep smiling!


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## familyfirst09

Well I know that I don't have to kiss every frog, and i havent, nor do I plan to, altho some people feel this is a way to heal and "move on". I do not see Frenchie being anything more than a friend, he simply did not come into my life at the right time. The man who will be my REAL prince, I do not believe he is in my life...yet....or maybe he is and I just don't know it yet...I dunno, I will know when I know.

And yes, my self esteem does need a ton of work, If I don't love myself no one else is gonna. If I wasnt so damn stubborn! LOL.

Hi Beautiful LanieB!! Today is not bad...its an "unofficial" snow day for me and D - they didn't cancel school but screw that, we stayed home anyway!!

I know I have lots of ups and downs and seem to be taking alot longer to heal than others, mostly thanks to my stupidness and stubborness but when I look back a year....man, I am soooooo much better. I am sure I still will make a ton more mistakes, I am human afterall, but I need to learn how to LEARN from them and NOT make them again, right!!!!!!


----------



## sandc

Nah, you've come a long way. I don't agree with using other people to get over your hurt. Even if the other people agree to it. It just ain't right. He is out there but you have to be patient. 

So, how do we get your stubbornness out of the way so we can work on your self-esteem?

You and Lanie are BOTH beautiful and you BOTH deserve so much better. If you can be happy about one thing be happy you are free. I think Lanie would love to be in that position. Enjoy your freedom before you try to saddle another cowboy. I've been saying this for I don't know how long, learn to love yourself. You ARE lovable!


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## familyfirst09

youve been saying it for about 14 months now lol. Its funny, I do know some people who envy me..but sometimes I envy others who are happy and with someone, even sometimes people who just fake happiness, like a friend of mine does. I don't want fake happiness, I want real happiness, for me and my daughter.

I don't know what to do about my stubborness, lol. I still don't "believe" compliments, those have always been hard for me. So what if someone thinks im beautiful or have a "great ass", doesnt mean they are going to love me as a person and accept my faults and weaknesses. I would rather have someone love me for my inside than my outside and so how do I let someone see my inside without setting myself up for heartbreak, just like I did, again??


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## sandc

Oh, so you're pretty AND stuck up! :lol: I don't know if you have a great ass or not but I still like you. 

Oh the burden of being pretty... I'll never know. :rofl:


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## familyfirst09

haha...nooooooooo I am not stuck up at all, you know that!!!!

I just don't know how to believe people when they give me compliments and believe they are genuine. Some people compliment to get in your pants...some people compliment because they want to get to know you better....how do I know which is which??? I always assume its just to get in my pants!!!

Does that make sense? I don't want anyone to think up stuck up (unless its about my hair haha)...truthfully I don't even think I am all that pretty so yes it is hard for me to believe people. And that is where my self esteem sucks!


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## sandc

Okay, so if I say I think you're drop dead gorgeous, what do you think my motive is?


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## familyfirst09

to make me feel better about myself......


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## familyfirst09

ok, so maybe there are THREE reasons why people compliment each other...2 are genuine...1 is not....IRL I always think it is for the non genuine reason.....and when I let my gaurd down and believed it wasnt for that reason, look what happened....it was!!!!!


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## sandc

Yep! This is why I always tell my daughter how beautiful she is. Number 1, she IS beautiful! Number 2, I tell her, "Now, you already know you're beautiful. Any future man in your life has to offer you more than just 'I think you're beautiful!' ". 

All teasing aside, it's actually a good thing you already know you're beautiful. The next man in your life has to offer you more than just that. Watch what they do, don't listen to what they say.

I think you're beautiful, and I want nothing from you.

And you've got 3 different ways to get hold of me to bounce ideas off. Don't go underground this time!


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## LanieB

OK, I just went back and looked at your album again, FF - - and it's just as I remember! You're beautiful! I've always been obsessed with my hair as well. Let's be hair snobs together! 

I would love to be in your position, FF - being free from a cheating @sshole. And I'm working on it! At least you have a job. That's what I'm searching for right now. The problem is, I gave up a good career to stay home with my kids (at least part of the time). I wouldn't change it because my kids did benefit greatly from it. But now it could be tough to find a company to hire me when I've basically been doing manual labor in fields for 10 years, rather than using my brain!

You will get over this latest bump-in-the-road, and things are going to start looking up. I'm sure of it. I worry about being alone too, but I have to remember back to before I married my husband. I lived alone then, and I LOVED IT! Of course, I usually had plenty of dates then - - back in my younger, cuter days! But I'm not concerned about finding a man at this point in my life. In fact, I know I'd rather not for a while. Too bad we don't live closer to each other! We would never be bored!


----------



## Ikaika

LanieB said:


> OK, I just went back and looked at your album again, FF - - and it's just as I remember! You're beautiful! I've always been obsessed with my hair as well. Let's be hair snobs together!
> 
> I would love to be in your position, FF - being free from a cheating @sshole. And I'm working on it! At least you have a job. That's what I'm searching for right now. The problem is, I gave up a good career to stay home with my kids (at least part of the time). I wouldn't change it because my kids did benefit greatly from it. But now it could be tough to find a company to hire me when I've basically been *doing manual labor in fields for 10 years, rather than using my brain!*
> 
> You will get over this latest bump-in-the-road, and things are going to start looking up. I'm sure of it. I worry about being alone too, but I have to remember back to before I married my husband. I lived alone then, and I LOVED IT! Of course, I usually had plenty of dates then - - back in my younger, cuter days! But I'm not concerned about finding a man at this point in my life. In fact, I know I'd rather not for a while. Too bad we don't live closer to each other! We would never be bored!


Wait, blondes have brains... Ok now it is time to hide. Gulp. 

Oh btw, FF and Lanie, your Ex and H respectively are morons. Geez, what were or are they thinking. I so can't relate, just shaking my head wondering, who are these men.


----------



## familyfirst09

Obviously I have trust issues. Combined with low self esteem and stubborness...im doomed lol. 

Maybe I haven't fully adjusted to be being on my own yet...I thought I had but am now seeing maybe I haven't. I do enjoy my alone time sometimes, but not always. I don't want to sleep with random people, gross, I do respect myself more than that and don't feel like drowning myself in booze to help me do it!! I'm rushing myself again..still have to give myself time. Ex may be out of my heart but I still need time to adjust to my new life. Having him out of my life is not something I would change now, that is for sure. 

I have to expand my social circle, get outside my comfort zone. In that regard I feel like I'm starting again. When I had this person in my life, I felt good about myself and it showed and I was becoming more outgoing again. Now I feel like I've reverted back into my shell. And I shouldn't need someone in my life to feel good about myself right? Especially someone who...well nevermind I won't go there....

I would la la love to be closer to you to LanieB!! Honestly it's gonna be hard and painful but like sandc said, down the road, it will all be worth it. I'm still going down the road myself but I'm further along than I was!! And you can get a job, have confidence in yourself!!!! And you are just as cute (and now sexy!!) as you ever were, with a life time of experience to share with someone new when the time comes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

drerio said:


> Wait, blondes have brains... Ok now it is time to hide. Gulp.
> 
> Oh btw, FF and Lanie, your Ex and H respectively are morons. Geez, what were or are they thinking. I so can't relate, just shaking my head wondering, who are these men.


DRERIO!! :whip: You just love being bad, don't you?! Believe it or not, I USED TO BE intelligent! Apparently, I had book-smarts only - - I've never had any common sense.


----------



## familyfirst09

Yeah, I missed the line up when they were giving out common sense as well, lol. But I do agree, they are both morons. Eventually they will have an "oh sh*t moment" and I'm already long gone and so will Lanie be!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ikaika

LanieB said:


> DRERIO!! :whip: You just love being bad, don't you?! Believe it or not, I USED TO BE intelligent! Apparently, I had book-smarts only - - I've never had any common sense.


I kid, from what I have read from you and FF09, both of you have smarts.


----------



## sandc

LanieB said:


> OK, I just went back and looked at your album again, FF - - and it's just as I remember! You're beautiful! I've always been obsessed with my hair as well. Let's be hair snobs together!
> 
> I would love to be in your position, FF - being free from a cheating @sshole. And I'm working on it! At least you have a job. That's what I'm searching for right now. The problem is, I gave up a good career to stay home with my kids (at least part of the time). I wouldn't change it because my kids did benefit greatly from it. But now it could be tough to find a company to hire me when I've basically been doing manual labor in fields for 10 years, rather than using my brain!
> 
> You will get over this latest bump-in-the-road, and things are going to start looking up. I'm sure of it. I worry about being alone too, but I have to remember back to before I married my husband. I lived alone then, and I LOVED IT! Of course, I usually had plenty of dates then - - back in my younger, cuter days! But I'm not concerned about finding a man at this point in my life. In fact, I know I'd rather not for a while. Too bad we don't live closer to each other! We would never be bored!


So here we have another drop dead gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful eyes EVER... knocking her own looks. Get over yourself!


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Yeah, I missed the line up when they were giving out common sense as well, lol. But I do agree, they are both morons. Eventually they will have an "oh sh*t moment" and I'm already long gone and so will Lanie be!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well... truth be told I was playing hookie that day too.


----------



## familyfirst09

I used to be smarter before I found out what "men" were, hehe....
It's hard not to doubt yourself after years of hearing negative crap. And you know me, I'm stubborn 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> Well... truth be told I was playing hookie that day too.


Ok, no more lumber from you then mister!!! Ok...maybe some...I need it....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

sandc said:


> So here we have another drop dead gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful eyes EVER... knocking her own looks. Get over yourself!


I have creepy anime' eyes and YOU KNOW IT!!


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## familyfirst09

Omg you don't have creepy anything. If I was a guy, I'd do ya!! (see that's a compliment from a guy!!!) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

LanieB said:


> I have creepy anime' eyes and YOU KNOW IT!!


PUH-lease... I know nothing...


----------



## LanieB

FF, with SandC around telling us how PERRTY we are, maybe our self-esteem will improve - you know, from low-self esteem to mediocre-self esteem! Things are lookin' up!


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Omg you don't have creepy anything. If I was a guy, I'd do ya!! (see that's a compliment from a guy!!!)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


FFS!! Now I can't concentrate on work! Thanks a lot!! :lol:


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## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Omg you don't have creepy anything. If I was a guy, I'd do ya!! (see that's a compliment from a guy!!!)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl::rofl::rofl: 

Thanks, Hot Stuff!


----------



## sandc

LanieB said:


> FF, with SandC around telling us how PERRTY we are, maybe our self-esteem will improve - you know, from low-self esteem to mediocre-self esteem! Things are lookin' up!


Yeah but I'm a short fat guy, what do I know about beauty?


----------



## Ikaika

familyfirst09 said:


> omg you don't have creepy anything. If i was a guy, i'd do ya!! (see that's a compliment from a guy!!!) :d
> _posted via mobile device_


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## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> Yeah but I'm a short fat guy, what do I know about beauty?


You better shut yo mouth!! YOU are one of the most beautiful man I know...of course no one compares to Shemar...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

drerio said:


> View attachment 16290


I don't see anything!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

familyfirst09 said:


> I don't see anything!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


George Costanza eating popcorn on the couch


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## familyfirst09

LanieB said:


> FF, with SandC around telling us how PERRTY we are, maybe our self-esteem will improve - you know, from low-self esteem to mediocre-self esteem! Things are lookin' up!



It's a ladder. And a slow climb....ill take any improvement right about now...at least I'm not letting all this crap affect my fitness goals, still doing good in that area!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

drerio said:


> George Costanza eating popcorn on the couch


Hehe. I see it now!! Lanie know she's one sexy MILF...don't let her fool you....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> I don't see anything!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Crackberry users...


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## familyfirst09

Haha, I was on the computer all morning. Now I have to get some dishes done and make some muffins so crackberry it is!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Haha, I was on the computer all morning. Now I have to get some dishes done and make some muffins so crackberry it is!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




A young, hot blond that's into self improvement - mentally, emotionally and physically. You're smart And you cook?

Wow.


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## familyfirst09

Lol, I'm not that young (40) and it's what all us "tamettes" do, isn't it? 

How are you doing CeeGee?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee

40 is young; they say it's the new 30. 

It's cold and there might be ice on the streets this morning. Where I'm at that means the whole city shuts down. 

I'm so ready for summer.


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## familyfirst09

Oh 40 is definitely the new 20..or 30...I definitely don't feel 40 that is for sure. 

Where are you at? We had another 20 cm yesterday on Wednesday, our usual weekly weather. This winter has just been horrid. We have had a blizzard/snow storm every week since before xmas. Its cold, it dries out my skin, and people are stupid drivers. I hate winter, sooooooo ready for summer too!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee

I'm in TX, where we don't know what 20 cm is. 

We get snow once every 5-10 years. There were dipping dots on the ground yesterday. It's in mid-twenties (F -you do the conversion) today which is really cold for us. 

Around here it can be in the 70's one day and in the 20's the next.


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## sandc

I'm turning 50 in a few months, yeah, 40 is young.


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## Ceegee

sandc said:


> I'm turning 50 in a few months, yeah, 40 is young.


Well if 40 is the new 20 then 50 must be the new 25. 

You're just starting out. :smthumbup:


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## sandc

Ceegee said:


> Well if 40 is the new 20 then 50 must be the new 25.
> 
> You're just starting out. :smthumbup:


I like to think I'm still hot and sexeh!! :smthumbup:

Even if it is a delusion. :rofl:


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## doubletrouble

Just got caught up and see FF and Lanie talking about how average they are. And here we sit, KNOWING that's not true, and wondering how people could ever get such a low opinion of themselves. 

Here's the thing about that: Regardless of how many mistakes you've made in life, regardless of how many times you've been screwed over or your heart has been stolen then broken, regardless of whether you have a zit on your ass or your face, you're still a good person inside and YOU know it. 

How can I say that with such assuredness? How can I be so positive?

Let's say you did something you're not proud of. You wonder about it, you may regret it. You ask yourself "Am I a mean person?" Well right there you've proven to yourself that you are NOT. How? A truly mean person wouldn't give a damn about the event. Wouldn't give it a second thought, or if he or she did, they might snicker about it, think it was amusing. 

You don't think like that. So there's one part of it. Follow that logic trail to other things in your life. You know who you are. You know how you think. You listen to your conscience. You try to do the best things based on what you know at the time. 

This is the best kind of person to be! 

In the Bible, that conscience, the little voice, is the Holy Spirit. It's your "inner goodness" coming out. You have that in you, and you now can recognize it. Think about how you think. This makes you who you are. You are a good person, and to hell with anyone who treats you otherwise or says otherwise. They don't know you, and maybe those people don't deserve to know you, or be mixed with your life energy. 

Be proud to be who you are. We're all works in progress, but nobody gets to tell us we're less than we are.


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## familyfirst09

Wow, I feel like I just got a lumbering with words . Thanks DT. Self asteem, along with everything else in life, takes time. 

I am glad to hear the analogy about thinking about what I did wrong and how that makes me a good person. I never looked at it from that POV before. I know I have done things I do not like and still feel guilt over my marriage but at least I feel the guilt. If I didn't I would be a horrible person...that is a good way of looking at it. 

And yes sandc 50 is just as young as 40!! You is hot and sexeh eh??

Oh and Ceegee, I have no idea how to convert Ferenheit haha. I'm Canadian!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

A "lumbering" heh heh that's sorta like saying -- woops, this isn't the wish thread is it? 

The salient point there is to *know how you think.* Think about how you think. 

You actually like who you are when it's just you, don't you? Just you without any outside influences. Because if there's something about yourself you don't like, you change it if you can, right? Sure, we're all works in progress, but I know that even with my MANY flaws, I still like who I am. 

And that's where self-esteem comes from.


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> And yes sandc 50 is just as young as 40!! You is hot and sexeh eh??


Damn straight I is! :lol:


----------



## familyfirst09

There are things I definitely like about myself...and some things I don't which I really cannot change, just manage and control..some things I can change and have been working very hard on changing them and some things I have already changed, so im still a work in progress 

I doubt I will fully like myself until I am 100% over the guilt of the breakdown of my marriage and according to stats, I got at least another year or so to go. I definitely don't feel as much guilt as I did a year ago, but its still there and im still working on it with my therapist and with myself.

I don't give up easily...some say that is a good thing and also a bad thing. I guess it depends on what it is im supposed to be giving up!!

I fought like fvcking hell for my marriage for a LONG time but I had to give up because it was mentally killing me and I was fighting for something I was never going to have and never did have and just would never admit it.

The biggest thing for me RIGHT NOW is my lack of single girl friends. I suck at making new friends and there is not alot of single 30s-40s women around me at all. I chickened out on the meet up group this past weekend but am going to try again next weekend. Sucks because I used to be a very outgoing person, now I still find it hard to look people in the eye. and its because of my self esteem issues.

Like i said, im a work in progress, but hey at least im in progress


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## familyfirst09

Love this......dedicating to LanieB


----------



## Ceegee

Do you actively forgive yourself?


----------



## sandc

All I want is for the people at my funeral to say "he really lived.". That's how I try to live each day.


----------



## familyfirst09

What does "actively forgive" look like? I'm not sure I can answer that....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> What does "actively forgive" look like? I'm not sure I can answer that....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You are human and are going to make mistakes. 

It's what my signature is about. 

I'm an ass you're an ass. 

When you say, in summary, "I can't be happy until I get over the guilt" you place your own conditions on your happiness. 

Why do that?

From what we all see here you are a pretty cool chick. You have empathy, you're sweet, funny and charming. 

Let go of that negative energy. 

You deserve it.


----------



## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Love this......dedicating to LanieB


Awww, thanks! I was reading the whole thing, thinking that was really great advice, and then I saw the dedication!  

You know what, FF? I have complete confidence that you're gonna be all right. You're doing all the right things, and one day (hopefully maybe even this weekend!), you will feel good about going out to meet people. And it won't be hard, and one day you'll realize that you're looking people in the eyes and smiling a lot, and maybe you don't feel so bad anymore. Maybe you even feel HAPPY most of the time. It's gonna sneak up on you before you know it!


----------



## familyfirst09

Ceegee said:


> You are human and are going to make mistakes.
> 
> It's what my signature is about.
> 
> I'm an ass you're an ass.
> 
> When you say, in summary, "I can't be happy until I get over the guilt" you place your own conditions on your happiness.
> 
> Why do that?
> 
> From what we all see here you are a pretty cool chick. You have empathy, you're sweet, funny and charming.
> 
> Let go of that negative energy.
> 
> You deserve it.



I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. Anthony DeMello eh? . I know I'm a total ass sometimes but I do also think I'm pretty cool sometimes too. The guilt stems from my daughter really. I adopted her with a promise of a family and my vision of a family is no more. Now mind you, we, the two of us, are a great little family, but it still feels like something is missing. And when I sit here, about, what? 6 days since her father has seen her or talked to her, I feel the guilt for that. Not as much as before but it's still there. 

I appreciate the compliments, haha, even tho I suck at receiving them. 

I really want a chance to prove I can be a good lover and partner..is that weird?? Ex has told so many people how horrible I was and has told me how horrible it was with me, etc...I really want a chance to prove him wrong and I'm anxious about it because what if he's right??? I really don't think he is, but I'm very anxious about it. 

I have to figure out how to be more outgoing. To let go all over again really....boost myself back up. I am in some ways, getting myself into better shape again (5 lbs in a month woot woot for me!!) but emotionally I just feel like a big freakin empty hole with no one to share my thoughts and feelings with. Oh I miss that so much. I miss someone asking how was my day and I miss taking care of someone (in a grown up way). Self esteem issues and loneliness do not mix.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

How WAS your day?


----------



## familyfirst09

LanieB said:


> Awww, thanks! I was reading the whole thing, thinking that was really great advice, and then I saw the dedication!
> 
> You know what, FF? I have complete confidence that you're gonna be all right. You're doing all the right things, and one day (hopefully maybe even this weekend!), you will feel good about going out to meet people. And it won't be hard, and one day you'll realize that you're looking people in the eyes and smiling a lot, and maybe you don't feel so bad anymore. Maybe you even feel HAPPY most of the time. It's gonna sneak up on you before you know it!



It's for you babe....we are in this boat together...I may be further along but you'll get there, I just know it!!!

Practice practice practice...maybe that is what I need...I think it was Z or GP who told me just talk to random people, men and women, strike up convos, chat, mix it up. daddy says he does this as well. I should start trying this again. I was trying it for a while and then the person who was in my life didn't like it and well....anyway...practice...I need to practice again. I seriously used to be able to talk to anyone!! Didn't matter where I was or if I was by myself. That is SO hard for me now! 

I'm with my kiddo this weekend and she has strep throat, ugh, so we are house bound this weekend. Next weekend, valentine's day (barf) I have a few things I can do, still debating which but I definitely want to try and get out and meet some new people and just be social FF's!!!!! I have to start somewhere!! I can't live the rest of my life like a hermit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

sandc said:


> How WAS your day?



Dammit, beat me to it.


----------



## familyfirst09

Awww you are both so sweet, thank you xoxo. I really need to meet a genuine tam guy IRL....errrr...nevermind....

Btw ceegee...your wife is an ass...just saying...no offense...(sandc you're wife is a saint you know that already )

Day was a wash...3 hours late for work due to a car accident that killed someone...very sad...meetings where people surprised me with things that kill my project schedule, argh! D has strep throat, ugh, I hope I don't catch it. Down on the scale this morning, yay me so I'm having a glass of wine to celebrate. Movie night with my beautiful babe and I get to sleep in (8am instead of 5am lol) tomorrow. 

Thank you for asking xo 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Awww you are both so sweet, thank you xoxo. I really need to meet a genuine tam guy IRL....errrr...nevermind....
> 
> 
> 
> Btw ceegee...your wife is an ass...just saying...no offense...(sandc you're wife is a saint you know that already )
> 
> 
> 
> Day was a wash...3 hours late for work due to a car accident that killed someone...very sad...meetings where people surprised me with things that kill my project schedule, argh! D has strep throat, ugh, I hope I don't catch it. Down on the scale this morning, yay me so I'm having a glass of wine to celebrate. Movie night with my beautiful babe and I get to sleep in (8am instead of 5am lol) tomorrow.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you for asking xo
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Ahem, that's ex-wife; and yes she is. 

My night will consist of same but with three kids. 

Now to try and find a movie they will all want to watch. Hardest part of my day today.


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Awww you are both so sweet, thank you xoxo. I really need to meet a genuine tam guy IRL....errrr...nevermind....














familyfirst09 said:


> Btw ceegee...your wife is an ass...just saying...no offense...(sandc you're wife is a saint you know that already )


I do, I do indeed! I don't deserve her.



familyfirst09 said:


> Thank you for asking xo
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're welcome sweetie. Now since you also want to take care someone, please go make me a sandwich.


----------



## familyfirst09

Lol I actually remember that episode of star trex!!!!
3 kids, wow ceegee you got your handsful...and I'm sure you love every minute and yeah good luck with the movie, I have a hard enough time with one!!
You want marble or whole wheat bread??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

And yes you do deserve her sandc...just like she deserves you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Lol I actually remember that episode of star trex!!!!
> 3 kids, wow ceegee you got your handsful...and I'm sure you love every minute and yeah good luck with the movie, I have a hard enough time with one!!
> You want marble or whole wheat bread??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Surprise me! :smthumbup:


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> And yes you do deserve her sandc...just like she deserves you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll admit to trying to be who she deserves... getting there.


----------



## familyfirst09

Meh...aren't we all 
And it's salad for you buddy!!! (if I have to, so do you!!!) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Su salud!


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Meh...aren't we all
> 
> And it's salad for you buddy!!! (if I have to, so do you!!!)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I like salad. 

Taco salad, chicken salad, tuna salad.


----------



## familyfirst09

Ok. So I'll make some salad...with chicken...lots of greens and veggies..some balsamic vinegrette dressing...and ya'll can come over for supper  I'll make some of my low fat low carb cinnamon buns for dessert!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

It's true....there are decent guys IRL...and not just on TAM...went on an impromptu outing last night for supper and glow in the dark bowling - D ended up at a sleepover unexpectedly....met a really nice guy...now im not saying there is anything going to happen or anything but he was a very nice, genuine guy. Funny, good job, even owns a few houses that he's renovating and selling, 7 years younger than me (hehe), but just a really nice guy.

He would not be "my type" but then again my "type" are douches which I keep proving over and over again, lol.

Anyway, it was nice to have some laughs with a guy, no pressure or anything, gave me hope that there is someone decent for me out there when im ready


----------



## LanieB

Good for you, FF! Even if nothing comes of it, you got yourself out there to do something fun. I've taken my kids to glow in the dark bowling before, and we had a blast!


----------



## Oldfaithful

Hi FF. How often would your daughter see her dad if you move?


----------



## familyfirst09

LanieB said:


> Good for you, FF! Even if nothing comes of it, you got yourself out there to do something fun. I've taken my kids to glow in the dark bowling before, and we had a blast!


Well...interestingly enough...he friended me on FB and then sent me a text through FB....and asked me out...he plays the piano for a band (wow they are amazing, listening to their music right now). they are playing a show this month close by and asked if I wanted to go....i think I might 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

Oldfaithful said:


> Hi FF. How often would your daughter see her dad if you move?


Hey OF . I hope you are doing well!

Probably never...or maybe for a few weeks in the summer...I'd say he would probably fade away tho...I doubt he would even fight whatsoever if I told him I wanted to move. he is long long gone. He does his time, that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Oldfaithful

familyfirst09 said:


> Hey OF . I hope you are doing well!
> 
> Probably never...or maybe for a few weeks in the summer...I'd say he would probably fade away tho...I doubt he would even fight whatsoever if I told him I wanted to move. he is long long gone. He does his time, that's it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is sad but at least he won't use her to control you. 
I'm doing ok! Thanks!


----------



## familyfirst09

Oh he can't control me anymore, I don't let him in the least. But...he still does affect my emotions because of his idiocy when it comes to D...that wouldn't happen anymore. I have til tomorrow to decide...ugh....meeting with the bank in the morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Oldfaithful

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh he can't control me anymore, I don't let him in the least. But...he still does affect my emotions because of his idiocy when it comes to D...that wouldn't happen anymore. I have til tomorrow to decide...ugh....meeting with the bank in the morning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the US usually if you want to move far away the other person can take you to court and the judge decides if you have good reason to move or not.
Good luck! Maybe a big change would be good for you!


----------



## familyfirst09

A big change is definitely what I need. I just don't want to do it for the wrong reasons....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Well...interestingly enough...he friended me on FB and then sent me a text through FB....and asked me out...he plays the piano for a band (wow they are amazing, listening to their music right now). they are playing a show this month close by and asked if I wanted to go....i think I might
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that sounds like fun!


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> A big change is definitely what I need. I just don't want to do it for the wrong reasons....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I know what you mean. 

Having a timeline on top of it makes for a stressful situation. 

However, you do paint the picture that DH wouldn't fight it and would probably fade away. 

I would say go for it. If it doesn't work out so what? You could always make another change. 

Hopefully the guy you just met isn't figuring into the decision.?.


----------



## familyfirst09

No, the guy I JUST met is not a factor whatsoever. For now, he's just a random guy. I did base my decision on actually applying for the job partly on someone else but that's over with. I know in my heart it would be a huge benefit for both me and D to move, I'm just not sure yet the financial impact at this time is worth it. I just bought my house which I love 7 months ago. And I also have my puppies which I don't think they could come with us which would be sad. So I'm still torn even tho I'm at the 11th hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Hmmm.... is "someone else" anywhere near BC?


----------



## familyfirst09

Yes....
I met with the bank and have made my decision....i am not going to publish it publicly here since there are creepers lurking...anyone wants to know you can PM me. i hope I dont regret it...but we shall see 

I am not going to discuss it anymore on here. Happy Monday 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Yes....
> I met with the bank and have made my decision....i am not going to publish it publicly here since there are creepers lurking...anyone wants to know you can PM me. i hope I dont regret it...but we shall see
> 
> I am not going to discuss it anymore on here. Happy Monday
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad you got this out of the way.

You've chosen your path now to make the best of it.


----------



## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> Yes....
> I met with the bank and have made my decision....i am not going to publish it publicly here since there are creepers lurking...anyone wants to know you can PM me. i hope I dont regret it...but we shall see
> 
> I am not going to discuss it anymore on here. Happy Monday
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One creeper checking in!


----------



## doubletrouble

I'm starting to feel a liltle creepy myself.


----------



## familyfirst09

Oh you two are creepers I highly enjoy and wouldn't know what to do without!!!

And yes, I am going to make the very best of it ceegee 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

Hey, I'm a creeper too! Don't forget about me! 

Hope you have a great day, FF!


----------



## familyfirst09

I would never forget about you beautiful lady!!!!
I'm in a good place, my mood has been good all week, content with decisions made. Don't even care that tomorrow is valentine's day, I scoff at it! Lol. D goes off with ex this weekend. I had plans for tomorrow night - a few to pick from actually!! But I've decided to take the night to myself instead, go to the gym and enjoy my night. I'm going for a hike with a friend on Saturday and a girls night planned for Saturday night. 

Life might not be great but it's gonna get better soon enough. I've got that "excitement" feeling back again - anticipation of what's gonna happen next. Love that feeling. So much better than fear about what is going to happen next. 

Happy Thursday 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

Tomorrow's Valentine's Day? :scratchhead: I guess I wasn't paying attention.


----------



## LanieB

FF, I think your weekend sounds GREAT! Especially since you have a happy, excited attitude! I'm so happy for you. 

Expect wonderful things to happen and they will!


----------



## familyfirst09

We are responsible for our own happiness right? 

In my house, vday is for my munchkin. Taking her to a vday dance tonight and have a basket of goodies to give her tomorrow. Its been a super crazy (but fun) week at work. My brain is fried, glad to have tomorrow off and tomorrow night to myself (sorry D lol), altho I am sure I will be entertained by some tam folks who will also be hanging out online. 

Is it April yet?????? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

April's a little ways off, but the wind we're having here today might bring it here earlier.


----------



## familyfirst09

Well maybe your wind is heading our way - 100km/hour winds coming tonight. Along with 40-65mm of rain followed by 30-40cm of snow FFS!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Well maybe your wind is heading our way - 100km/hour winds coming tonight. Along with 40-65mm of rain followed by 30-40cm of snow FFS!!!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



In the high 70's today. Not a cloud in the sky. Chamber of Commerce photographers out in full force today.


----------



## LanieB

Happy Valentine's Day, FF! I hope you've had a great day!


----------



## sandc

Creeper #262 checking in.

Low 70's here in central California. It's horrible but someone has to live here.

Happy VD FF! The best card I saw in the Valentines thread... Love is in the air! Try not to breathe!


----------



## familyfirst09

Well, this is funny, but sounds about right for me 

The guy I met last weekend, been just chatting with him, nothing noteworthy at all, funny guy, normal.....or so I thought....

My girls night go canceled tonight because of the snow so a few people ended up at my house, him being one of them. One of my friends didnt come over (I don't know her well, shes a relatively new friend).

Well I found out first, that she liked him...oh I did not know this and he never mentioned it, just said they were friends...then I find out tonight that they were actually seeing each other for a bit, he wanted to have sex, she said no, and then he dumped her...ugh!!!! What a dou#he!!!!!!!

All of this drama was going on over text while he was sitting next to me and obviously flirting with me as two other people here pointed it out. So I basically shunned him, it was totally awkward and i made sure he left before a few other people did so I did not have to be alone with him. I am not going to text him again and if he contacts me I will explain why I do not want to talk with him anymore.

I tell you I am a magnet for dou*he's!!!!! What is wrong with me???????

I am not going to let this bring me down, forget it. I know good things are coming my way, not all guys are dou*he's right?? You guys on here arent....there gotta be some good ones IRL right????

I will NOT let this bring me down.

Hugs to my girl....stay strong...we are all here for you LanieB....

Good night all!!


----------



## Oldfaithful

There are a lot of selfish crazy people out there, dating sucks. Don't blame yourself.


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> I tell you I am a magnet for dou*he's!!!!! What is wrong with me???????
> 
> I am not going to let this bring me down, forget it. I know good things are coming my way, not all guys are dou*he's right?? You guys on here arent....there gotta be some good ones IRL right????


Because you are so stubborn and won't listen to us!!!! Arrrrggh! 

You seem to have something missing inside yourself that you want to fill with someone else. It won't ever work. You need to fill that void yourself and become healthy before you'll start attracting healthy men. Right now you're an easy mark and other men can spot it a mile away. Like sharks they can smell blood in the water.

There. I'm done.

And come over to Lanie's Big D Party.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social-spot/168569-lanies-big-d-party.html#post7161233


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## familyfirst09

But I'm really not looking for anyone, I am just being me, the only person I know how to be. I met this one randomly, basically how most people meet. Do I just completely ignore every man that comes my way?

I don't think I "need" a man...im past that point...but it certainly would be nice to have a GOOD one around, not gonna lie!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

What criteria do you use to say, this guy is a good one, and that one is not?


----------



## Ceegee

We all have a little douchiness. 

Set your own boundaries and it won't matter. 

That's what your friend did.


----------



## familyfirst09

Well they can't be a douc*e!!! that's about all I know so far cause they all been douch*'s!!! 

Respect, honestly, maturity, faithfulness, family man,funny, healthy (mind and body), individuality, makes me smile, calms me, genuine, has flaws and knows it, inner beauty....i will always be a romantic at heart....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

Ceegee said:


> We all have a little douchiness.
> 
> Set your own boundaries and it won't matter.
> 
> That's what your friend did.


Definitely, I have some myself. I am not sure about boundaries tho...I just mostly trust my gut and I'm to the point where I will not let anyone take advantage of me OR treat me as a second fiddle. If a guy disrespects a woman, then he could disrespect me and I won't let that happen...again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Morgiana

I guess, I just don't see how a guy deciding not to date a gal who doesn't want to put out makes him a douche... unless he was completely an ass in how he went about dumping her...

I would dump someone I was dating/seeing if there was no hanky-panky in progress or on the horizon as well .


----------



## familyfirst09

He dumped her because she wouldn't have sex without a condom, that is douchey....and he just up and stopped talking to her altogether, no explanation or anything. Also douchey....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rush

I was divorced for years and never looked in those years, raised a daughter and lived my life......then I brushed arms with a girl and sparks flew, that was 17 years ago, point is you will know.....


----------



## familyfirst09

Exactly. I'll know when I know. That's so sweet Mike 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Oldfaithful

Please keep in mind the tendency of women to not want their friends to date a man they have dated. I have had women lie straight to my face about men we were both friends with. One told me he had ED and that they had just been FWB. 

It turned out she was completely lying and that she was mad because she wanted a relationship and he didn't. He is a much more trustworthy source. This kind if thing happens a lot. 
Just a thought.


----------



## familyfirst09

Yes, I definitely did think of that. But she didn't know I was chatting with him when all of this happened. He said they were just friends, that she was interested but he wasn't. But then when I asked him about what was said, he fessed up and said they did "make out". So he lied to me from the start. Buh-bye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hope4family

Hey FF09. 

Don't worry there are plenty of good guys out there. Big question, is what do you look for and what do you find attractive in a guy? 

Keep considering those boundary's.


----------



## LanieB

Hey, FF! Hope you're having a good day!


----------



## Ceegee

Canada, right? 

Anywhere near Saskatoon?

This guys available. 

View attachment 17049


----------



## LanieB

FF, where are you? You busy today?


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## rush

yeah where are you?


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## familyfirst09

Hey! I am here!! Sorry it has been a ker-razy few days, been working til late at night every day  haven't had a chance to get on here at all. Will catch up hopefully tonight!!!! xoxo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

Is it tonight yet?


----------



## sandc

Here we go again.


----------



## familyfirst09

LOL!!!!
Hi 
No I am not in a depressed funk or in the victim chair or anything like that.
I have been working my azz off all week. From 8am in the morning til 10pm at night so I have had no time to be on TAM at all. I didnt even get to the gym this week (except once). So it has just been a super crazy busy week!!

So all is good, earning some extra money is always good! 

D is doing great (sitting next to me right now reading me a book, lol). Im on week 5 of my parenting program and its going really well and her behaviour is improving.

I finally got the medical insurance information from ex (he dropped both of us after he moved in with tramp) but he added BOTH of us back on this year...not sure why he added me back on but I am not complaining, my drugs are expensive!

D's grandfather's bday (his dad) was this monday, ex was supposed to take her there, he didnt. So I got D to call him and wish him a happy bday and left it at that. D was happy to wish him a happy bday. There has been no drama or anything between us whatsoever, I think "meh" is slowing coming. D still struggles alot with going with him and calls me all the time when she is with him but I think we are both more used to how things are and how he is. Weve both come along way.

CeeGee! I don't own a red dress....I do, however, own a very cute black and blue stripped one...would that work?  (sandc is shaking his head right now lol)

And ceegee...that guy looks greasy...lol..."hey I have a small penis but look at my abs!" :rofl: and im on the east coast of canada. And yes on the east coast is where I will be staying at least for another 4-5 years.

I have three friends who want to "hook me up" with guy friends of theirs but honestly I don't even know where I would find the time. Eventually "the one" will find me, im willing to wait. 

So sorry for not being online, just busy but in a good way!!!

Now time to catch up with everyone else before I have to start working again, which is what my weekend will consist of. Have a great weekend everyone!!!


----------



## LanieB

Don't work yourself to death, FF! I hope you're taking the day/night off today, and you're have a relaxing or fun day. Sounds like you're in a "good place" mentally about the dating situation. It will be nice not to be worried about it. As they say, you'll meet someone when you least expect it.


----------



## familyfirst09

It's all good!! The extra money helps and working overtime helps me not be stressed about work so I'm good. 

I did work for quite a few hours this morning but I am escaping tonight for a little tiny bit. My niece is here with D so I am going to go enjoy an hour or two of free time at a friend's house (yes a guy but he's gay! Lol).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush

maybe he has a friend, lol


----------



## familyfirst09

Lol, he does. He's gay too!! Lol 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush

You really need to quit working so much,,,,,,


----------



## familyfirst09

Lol...I should shouldn't i? 
I think I put in about 20 hours overtime just this weekend. My next pay is gonna kick ass. I'm so tired tho. I'm always always tired....i will catch up tomorrow as soon as I can. I have therapy tomorrow night. Going to talk to her about "letting go" of some past friendships, it's been bothering me - friends that are still connected and hang out with ex and tramp - it's a constant reminder of my past which I would like to move far away from and not sure I can do that with them still in. Something I've been contemplating all day today. Should be an interesting discussion. I will catch up again tomorrow, need to finish my laundry and dishes and get my ass to bed! Night all 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

Live to work or work to live. 

I've always had time and no money, or money and no time. 

The trick is........ [obvious]


----------



## familyfirst09

I work to live. In the past I lived to work and it hurt my marriage. I won't do that again. But being single, not something I have to worry about. As long as D is getting my attention when she needs it, I can work when I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

And work as much as you want, keeping your D in the #1 slot. Easy peasy!


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## sandc

Your choice of a life partner is what doomed your marriage. It wasn't you or anything you did. I'm convinced of that now.


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## familyfirst09

Nah, I still have to take some blame. I shut down emotionally, stopped talking and trying. I own that. He was a sh*tty husband and father (still is lol) but I was a sh*tty wife for a while too. I've learned and will be better for it. He's still sh*tty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> Nah, I still have to take some blame. I shut down emotionally, stopped talking and trying. I own that. He was a sh*tty husband and father (still is lol) but I was a sh*tty wife for a while too. I've learned and will be better for it. He's still sh*tty.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed.

Owning your own pos behavior and tendencies is the key to not repeating them in the future.


----------



## familyfirst09

Exactly. A marriage takes two people. To make it AND to break it (maybe not in all cases for the break it part) but in our situation, we both had faults. Maybe he had more than I refused to acknowledge at the time but I had faults too and I'm proud to say I've worked thru most of them). 

Had therapy last night, which is turning more into a gossip session lol so we are going to decrease my appointments to once every 2-3 months. I still want her support for D and for when I really start jumping into the (eek!) dating world but she says that I've done well in handling the last few situations I've been dealing with in regard to men, D and ex. Some things take more work and time but I've been happy with how I've been progressing. 

She also agreed that my friendship with some friends from the past should just die naturally, like the friend who's husband is ex's best friend so she "chums" with tramp sometimes. Its no longer a healthy relationship for me because all it does it bring me into the past and I hear about ex and tramp and I really don't want to. I've also been the one who has been constantly reaching out to her and have not been invited to events and parties because tramp was. A friendship, like a marriage, is a two-way street, has to go both ways. I've been putting in too much effort for what I'm getting out of it so it's not worth it emotionally for me anymore. Its kind of sad because I don't have a lot of girlfriends, most of them already did ditch me when the break up happened so time to make new ones, somehow. I am planning on joining a woman's softball team this summer (yeah that's right, this chick can hit a ball around!!) so I'm looking forward to that. More hobbies which are social is definitely something I need. At my age, making new friends is hard!! Plus my confidence still sucks so I'm going to work harder on that. So I dunno, things get better day by day, some good, some bad, some sad, I guess this is life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

It's natural that your social rainbow will change after a major life change like divorce. You find out who your real friends are. I'v been through two divorces in the last 30 years and there's one friend who's stuck it out with me all that time. He's my BFAM (brother from another mother) and I'd do about anything for him. 

Softball is a lot of fun, including having a few brews afterwards!


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## Ceegee

Why do you think making new friends at your age is hard?


----------



## LanieB

You sound really positive now, FF. I'm really happy for you. You seem to be in a really good place and settled. The softball league is a great idea. It will get you out of the house and having fun with other people - something other than going to a bar or something. But like Double said, a few beers afterward will be fun too.  Maybe I'll do the same and get back into the volleyball league once my life settles down.


----------



## familyfirst09

Because most people my age are married and have enough friends already. They don't have time to hang out with a single gal. Besides baseball, I don't really know where else to make new friends. I have joined a few meet up groups, just haven't made it to any functions yet. There is one coming up in march I should be able to attend. 

I am feeling good, had a good chat with the therapist which made me feel good about how things are going. I've stood my ground a few times lately and have ignored people who have used me in the past and feel they should still be "allowed" in my life. Feels good standing up for myself for a change. And I don't want to have friends just to have friends, if that makes sense. Having real friends is important to me. I have one girlfriend and I am her only friend and she doesn't want any more. And she won't come out if other people are around which I don't understand. I don't want to be like that, I want to have real friends, not alot, but just a few more to help expand my social circle and explore new activities and such with. Man or woman!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> Because most people my age are married and have enough friends already. They don't have time to hang out with a single gal. Besides baseball, I don't really know where else to make new friends. I have joined a few meet up groups, just haven't made it to any functions yet. There is one coming up in march I should be able to attend.
> 
> I am feeling good, had a good chat with the therapist which made me feel good about how things are going. I've stood my ground a few times lately and have ignored people who have used me in the past and feel they should still be "allowed" in my life. Feels good standing up for myself for a change. And I don't want to have friends just to have friends, if that makes sense. Having real friends is important to me. I have one girlfriend and I am her only friend and she doesn't want any more. And she won't come out if other people are around which I don't understand. I don't want to be like that, I want to have real friends, not alot, but just a few more to help expand my social circle and explore new activities and such with. Man or woman!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Standing up for yourself eliminates #3's and brings back your personal power.


----------



## karole

FF, you had mentioned in your other thread that you and D were going to start attending church once you moved into your new house. Have you done that yet? That could be a great place to meet new people. Lots of churches have singles groups, divorced groups, bible study groups, etc. that you could get involved in.


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## doubletrouble

A function next month is soon enough. You'll be really really ready by then, I'm guessing. Good for you for signing up and looking around.


----------



## familyfirst09

I have not started at church...just not sure actually attending church is for me...I keep God in my life, not something I talk about alot on here...but to actually attend church...not so sure yet...Ive been to my "home" church since we've been back and I honestly did not feel comfortable..EVERYONE knew about the divorce, felt like people were just staring and staring at me. So I dunno, still need to think about that more. There is a few different churches I could try but then I would be totally insulting my priest and my family.

Yes the function next month is a "meet and greet". Its men and women, all around my age. It would be nice if I had a single friend to take with me but I don't. I just have to get the nerve to actually go by myself!!! Something I have always had a hard time with because I do not like being the centre of attention and people staring at me (self esteem thing). So we will see, I will have to physch myself up for it over the next little while!!


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> I have not started at church...just not sure actually attending church is for me...I keep God in my life, not something I talk about alot on here...but to actually attend church...not so sure yet...Ive been to my "home" church since we've been back and I honestly did not feel comfortable..EVERYONE knew about the divorce, felt like people were just staring and staring at me. So I dunno, still need to think about that more. There is a few different churches I could try but then I would be totally insulting my priest and my family.
> 
> Yes the function next month is a "meet and greet". Its men and women, all around my age. It would be nice if I had a single friend to take with me but I don't. I just have to get the nerve to actually go by myself!!! Something I have always had a hard time with because I do not like being the centre of attention and people staring at me (self esteem thing). So we will see, I will have to physch myself up for it over the next little while!!


I can totally relate to this.

Before the divorce, we used to go to the same church as my parents. During the divorce, I felt like everyone was staring at me. Wondering where my wife was. Many, many times I would start to tear up sitting there in the pew.

Decided I needed a change.

Never been more happy with my church than I am with my new church home.

Your faith is with God not with the priest or your family.

Making up your mind to go by yourself to events like this meet and greet are hugely empowering for those of us whose self esteem is completely shot.


----------



## familyfirst09

The church "thing" is difficult for me, not really sure what to do. D decided to forgo an activity she is in to go to Sunday school so that is a start. I will work thru it in time. 

I've said this before...guys don't seem to have a problem going places (ie like bars) by themselves. women are different (well I am anyway). And yes it does make it worse when my self esteem is so disgusting at the moment. Its not until the end of march but I did say I would go last night. So we shall see!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

Wondering if anyone knows about this - got a note from my lawyer saying I can claim the portion of my legal feels that are related to purusing child support on my income tax. Is anyone aware of this? Thanks!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> Wondering if anyone knows about this - got a note from my lawyer saying I can claim the portion of my legal feels that are related to purusing child support on my income tax. Is anyone aware of this? Thanks!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can't do that in Texas.

Don't know about Canucks.


----------



## LanieB

FF, I completely understand about not going somewhere by yourself. Actually, there is no way I would ever go to a bar by myself - but then again, I'm not interested in doing that anyway - although I might go with friends occasionally. A meet-up is a lot different situation than that though. There aren't any kind of meet-ups in my area, but if there were, I think I would be able to get myself to go - - and I really think you should. 

I have always gone to church all my life, but honestly, I'm not super-religious at all. However, I wanted my kids to be exposed to church while growing up and learn about religion and God. When they are adults, they can make their own decisions about what they believe. My son loves going to Sunday School though. There are a lot of kids his age there. My daughter would rather keep sleeping (!), but I do take her to the church service on Sunday mornings. (I only attend on Sunday mornings - that's enough for me!) With the right church (that has a large group of other kids), your daughter might really enjoy going.


----------



## Ceegee

LanieB said:


> FF, I completely understand about not going somewhere by yourself. Actually, there is no way I would ever go to a bar by myself - but then again, I'm not interested in doing that anyway - although I might go with friends occasionally. A meet-up is a lot different situation than that though. There aren't any kind of meet-ups in my area, but if there were, I think I would be able to get myself to go - - and I really think you should.


The cool thing about meetups is you only go to one by yourself once.

Every time after that you go to meet 30-50 of your new friends. 

I've been to a couple meetups and I've seen your pics. 

Trust me, it will do wonders for your self esteem.


----------



## doubletrouble

familyfirst09 said:


> Wondering if anyone knows about this - got a note from my lawyer saying I can claim the portion of my legal feels that are related to purusing child support on my income tax. Is anyone aware of this? Thanks!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't konw about Canada, but you can do it in Idaho and Washington state. And federal taxes too.


----------



## GutPunch

Guys don't like to go to places by themselves either. Least I don't.


----------



## vi_bride04

Going out by yourself will help boost your confidence. Just be consistent and try to do it at least once-twice a month. 

I mean what difference is it going to eat dinner by yourself vs grocery shopping by yourself?


----------



## doubletrouble

When I lived alone in a new city, I went out by myself. And I came home by myself. 

For the most part. 

It was OK.


----------



## GutPunch

I was a big Star Wars fan as a kid. So when the new episodes came out I was excited. I decided to go alone. All them little kids and their Mom's staring at me like I was some kind of weirdo. No confidence boost for me.


----------



## Ceegee

GutPunch said:


> I was a big Star Wars fan as a kid. So when the new episodes came out I was excited. I decided to go alone. All them little kids and their Mom's staring at me like I was some kind of weirdo. No confidence boost for me.



You probably looked like this to those kids. 

View attachment 17633


----------



## familyfirst09

Going out to dinner, grocery shopping, those types of things I can do by myself, but walking into a crowded social place where you are expected to socialize with people is intimidating. It might one of those things where you do it once, it's okay. I just have to get up the nerve to do it that one time

Hi Vi, Hi GP!! Hope all is well with both of you. Congrats on the one year anniversary GP and the wife's new job! (yes I still stalk you )


For the "most" part DD?? (insert raised eyebrow....)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

I worry too much about people judging me...when I wasn't single, I didn't care...now I do for some reason...which is odd and I'm not sure why...I assume people are juding everything about me, which is why I struggle with eye contact, something I've been trying to work on for a very long time but still struggle with. I hate it, makes me feel like I'm being rude and also diminishes my chances of making friends. And potentially finding "the one" whenever that happens. I don't know how to initiate conversations and don't really know what to talk about. I find I am socially awkward now and it probably comes off as being "stuck up" which I am the furthest from being (regardless of what sandc says lol). 

I have to figure out a better way to do this. 

Sorry, just thinking outloud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vi_bride04

I totally understand the judging thing. It really took some determination for me to keep going out by myself after one time it felt like everyone was staring at me wondering why I was a freak there by myself. I started thinking, "well who cares if they are here with someone and I'm by myself. They could be completely miserable together and I would much rather be in my own company than someone I wasn't happy with" 

Anyways, I think the meet and greet would be good for you. If it is a good group of people, they will make you feel welcomed and introduce you to others to take the initial awkwardness out. I go to a "Happy Hour Thursday" meetup.com group and it is such a great time. But just b/c the organizers really try to make new people feel welcome and it is a good group of people. I think you will have a really good time and maybe make some new friends. Intelligent conversation and laughs will help you want to get out more, I think.


----------



## Ceegee

FF, there's a part if you that you are protecting by avoiding these situations. Finding that part and telling it that everything's going to be ok is important. 

FWIW, about 8 months ago, I was supposed to go to a party with a couple of friends. It was a birthday party at a woman's house I had met briefly one night about a month prior. 

The night if the party, the 2 friends backed out. At first I resigned myself to stay in for the night. Then I said F it. I'm going anyway. 

I knew no one there. Not one single person. 

All the guys were hanging out on the patio in the backyard while all the women were inside. 

Guess where I hung out?

There was one woman in particular that I found extremely attractive. She was funny too. A big turn on for me. 

I've been dating her ever since.


----------



## Conrad

Ceegee said:


> FF, there's a part if you that you are protecting by avoiding these situations. Finding that part and telling it that everything's going to be ok is important.
> 
> FWIW, about 8 months ago, I was supposed to go to a party with a couple of friends. It was a birthday party at a woman's house I had met briefly one night about a month prior.
> 
> The night if the party, the 2 friends backed out. At first I resigned myself to stay in for the night. Then I said F it. I'm going anyway.
> 
> I knew no one there. Not one single person.
> 
> All the guys were hanging out on the patio in the backyard while all the women were inside.
> 
> Guess where I hung out?
> 
> There was one woman in particular that I found extremely attractive. She was funny too. A big turn on for me.
> 
> I've been dating her ever since.


And, she makes a pretty awesome duckface.


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## familyfirst09

Awww so "S" is this person??? That sounds so nice!!!!!

Well after all this, they got rid of the meetup group! Lol. I guess there was some drama going on so the people in charge canceled it. So I guess no "meet and greet" for me!!! I am a member of a few others but not much happening during my free time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

Well that sucks, FF! Just when you were getting up the courage to go to the meetup, they cancel it! 

OK, I know this is very cliche' and apparently a TAM no-no D), but do you have a Facebook page? I got one when my kids got on there - mainly to check on what they're doing, and to see how it works, etc, etc. I never imagined that all these old classmates - from high school and college - would find me and send me friend requests. I reconnected with several friends, who were once very good friends, but we'd lost touch. Now we talk all the time. For the record, I have had men attempt to start chatting me up, but I have always cut that off immediately, and it hasn't happened in quite a while. I have even kind of gotten to know new people who are friends of my friends (if that makes sense!). 

I know you're already going to a gym and possibly going to start going to church, which are good ways to meet people. This was just a thought.


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## familyfirst09

I do have a facebook page but keep it very restricted. I have actually looked back at "possible friends" and really don't see any. Everyone from my past is linked to ex or me and ex. We were together 15 years and also grew up together since we were 7/8 years old. 

When I go to the gym, I tend to stay in the "general population" (men and women) but am thinking I might try out the "women's only" side to see if there is anyone over there that I know. I have a few girlfriends but none of them ever want to go out and "socialize" (and they all have boyfriends). And I refuse to meet any more freaks on the bus or at the bus stop lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

No, no freaky bus-stop people! You never know which ones might actually be living on the bus! That's a good idea to try the "women's only" side. Are there any kind of classes offered (like Zumba or something) that you could attend?


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## EnjoliWoman

familyfirst09 said:


> I worry too much about people judging me...when I wasn't single, I didn't care...now I do for some reason...which is odd and I'm not sure why...I assume people are juding everything about me, which is why I struggle with eye contact, something I've been trying to work on for a very long time but still struggle with. I hate it, makes me feel like I'm being rude and also diminishes my chances of making friends. And potentially finding "the one" whenever that happens. I don't know how to initiate conversations and don't really know what to talk about. I find I am socially awkward now and it probably comes off as being "stuck up" which I am the furthest from being (regardless of what sandc says lol).
> 
> I have to figure out a better way to do this.
> 
> Sorry, just thinking outloud.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Same here. 

I try to make myself look people who are walking toward me (grocery store, parking lots, etc.) - just for a moment plus a quick smile. It's a lot easier if you remind yourself it's just a quick glance, not a stare-down. I count a 2-second eye contact and a smile and then look wherever else. 

It feels awkward at first but the more you do it the easier it gets. I still forget sometimes but I try. 

I started when my friend told me I'd never meet anyone out in RL if I never "looked up from my list". I skipped her suggestion that, while in Home Depot, I tell someone "I need a screw" and instead thought about her comment that I don't look up from my list.  

I'm usually a git 'er done person and I'm focused on my task, be it grocery shopping for home improvement, etc. so I don't come across as approachable. She also forbade me to go out to a store in sweat pants.


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## sandc

I suggest you change churches. If you are feeling judged there then it's not the right kind of church.


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## doubletrouble

I avoid church life for that reason, amogst others. People who are Christian/religious have been, in my experience, hypocritical in that the one Book they're all reading from tells us all what it is to be a good person, but once they step outside the doors of their church, they fall back into their sordid lives. 

It's not with all folks, and I realize sweeping generalizations are a common logical fallacy. 

I prefer the personal religion I have, and talking at my leisure with thinking people, introspective, thoughtful, intelligent people about religion in an unemotional setting. And finding those people/situations is almost as difficult as winning the lottery!


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## sandc

We have hypocrites at our church too. Comes with being a sinful fallen people. If I see a perfect Christian, I immediately suspect them. I've got issues, they better have some too!


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## familyfirst09

EnjoliWoman said:


> Same here.
> 
> I try to make myself look people who are walking toward me (grocery store, parking lots, etc.) - just for a moment plus a quick smile. It's a lot easier if you remind yourself it's just a quick glance, not a stare-down. I count a 2-second eye contact and a smile and then look wherever else.
> 
> It feels awkward at first but the more you do it the easier it gets. I still forget sometimes but I try.
> 
> I started when my friend told me I'd never meet anyone out in RL if I never "looked up from my list". I skipped her suggestion that, while in Home Depot, I tell someone "I need a screw" and instead thought about her comment that I don't look up from my list.
> 
> I'm usually a git 'er done person and I'm focused on my task, be it grocery shopping for home improvement, etc. so I don't come across as approachable. She also forbade me to go out to a store in sweat pants.


This is how I am (altho I would never go out in sweatpants regardless lol!!) but I focus at the task at hand, whether it's just walking from one corner to another to get a coffee. I've been trying this week to get the eye contact up, just feels unnatural still but practice makes perfect I guess. 

I do take classes at the gym and have met a few gals but how do you go from just going to the gym to "hanging out"? So odd, lol

As for church...im still exploring my options and tbh I like what I'm doing on my own now which I tend to keep to myself. if I don't go to actual church, does that make me a bad person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

It doesn't make you bad person. It makes you a person who is not interacting with other persons.


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## LanieB

How about school groups? PTO or something like that? Is there any way to get to know other moms? Maybe your daughter could have a birthday party and invite some kids from her class, and you could meet their parents that way. Does your daughter take dance or gymnastics classes? Play any sports?


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## familyfirst09

Well I don't interact with people...but not because I don't go to church...because I'm not really sure how to!!

She does all of those things, hasn't this winter but all of that starts back up in April. I've got to know a few mom's, but again, not really sure how to go from "aquaintance" to "friend".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

The interaction at the gym usually takes place in the locker room. Sometimes in the gym you might spot someone, maybe ask them if they're done with the Swiss ball, or whatever. There's "gym talk" that's innocent. Just being there and seeing the same people, you'll meet them eventually. Unless it's a huge gym like I went to in Portland. 

Also, go there at the same time of day. Others are on a schedule and they will tend to stick with the same time of day for their workouts. That's not being predatory, although of course it's a predatory technique. You're not preying, you're maximizing your time.


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## sandc

It was just a suggestion as a way to meet people. I won't bring the subject up again.


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## doubletrouble

familyfirst09 said:


> Well I don't interact with people...but not because I don't go to church...because I'm not really sure how to!!
> 
> She does all of those things, hasn't this winter but all of that starts back up in April. I've got to know a few mom's, but again, not really sure how to go from "aquaintance" to "friend".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've found even with good friends I have often had to be the one to initiate events, conversation and so forth over the years. I figured out later that these friends like having a leader. That doesn't mean you have to carry a flag and trumpet, just be an idea person. Mention possibilities.


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## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> It was just a suggestion as a way to meet people. I won't bring the subject up again.



Oh don't be silly, you KNOW I need your help with this. And to be honest, I do still struggle a lot with my faith. On down days, I have trouble "believing" in "the plan".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

doubletrouble said:


> The interaction at the gym usually takes place in the locker room. Sometimes in the gym you might spot someone, maybe ask them if they're done with the Swiss ball, or whatever. There's "gym talk" that's innocent. Just being there and seeing the same people, you'll meet them eventually. Unless it's a huge gym like I went to in Portland.
> 
> Also, go there at the same time of day. Others are on a schedule and they will tend to stick with the same time of day for their workouts. That's not being predatory, although of course it's a predatory technique. You're not preying, you're maximizing your time.


Yes I normally go to the gym at lunch time but most of the women are very serious and focused (and...ahem...older...not people I would typically "hang" out with) but then again maybe that's my problem. I only get to the gym close to my house when D is not around which is only every second weekend (not complaining!!) but I can still try right??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh don't be silly, you KNOW I need your help with this. And to be honest, I do still struggle a lot with my faith. On down days, I have trouble "believing" in "the plan".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why you need to go. Overcome the inertia that is preventing you. Call and ask about a singles group. I referred you to a church last year and they were looking forward to meeting you. Just try it and if it's not for you then at least you tried.


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## LanieB

Here's what you need to do, FF - - *pretend* you're not shy. Be an actor. I had to do this when I started work right out of college. I was a young female in an older man's world, and many of them liked to intimidate me. It was scary at first, but I learned how to pretend I wasn't intimidated and dish everything right back at them. You can do this with shyness. Pretend you're outgoing. MAKE yourself talk to someone. Even just to ask a question. It will take some practice, but pretty soon you won't be pretending. In order to do this, you have to NOT CARE what people think about you. And you'll find that they're actually not thinking anything bad in the first place!


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## sandc

Fake it till you make it.


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## familyfirst09

There is not a single church around here that has a singles group, I already know this (no pun intended). There is a cute little church close by that I am interested in and I lady I used to work with goes there. I am going to ask her about the programs that are offered there. 

I have tried the "fake it til you make it" and I feel fake!! Lol. But I have to keep trying. 

Today I am going to a charity tournament, washer toss (not sure if anyone would know what that is lol) and there will be about 50 people there. Today I am going to fake it big time!! Just to see how it feels and how people react. I know a few people going but not many. And tomorrow I am going to try the women's side of the gym. 

I always do care what people think about me, it's in my blood, my dad is the same way, still, and he is 70 years old!! I get my stubbornness from him too 

Good news budget wise, I have all my bills organized now and am meeting with a counselor in 2 weeks to help me figure out a better way to pay down my debt left over from the divorce. It will even help me free up some cash flow (countdown to Disney!!). I am super excited about this. In about 2 more weeks my lawyer will be completely paid off as well!! So financially things are looking very good!

D called from ex's last night, she's such a hoot. I don't understand why he always listens to our conversations, it's annoying but I don't say anything. He emailed me yesterday to say he wouldn't be picking D up on Tuesday cause he's going away for work (again). I told him no problem. When he responded with a "thank you" I told him, no thank you, extra time I can spend with D!" haha. I am keeping things civil but still have to get my digs in once in a while lol. When I told D he wasn't picking her up she was so happy about it and she didn't want to go this weekend either which still makes me sad that she still feels that way about him. She actually said to me "dad and tramp (she of course uses her real name lol) are tools". Omg I almost lost it, it was so funny hearing this phrase come from a 6 year old but I refrained and told her she was not allowed to speak that way about her father, it's the best I can do and frankly all I'm willing to do anymore!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush

Glad to see your getting life together, it took me years, you are an inspiration..


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## familyfirst09

Aww thanks Mike! xo. However I am no inspiration lol, I am stubborn and really should be further than I am lol. However, if anyone reads my stories and sees light at the end of their own tunnel, then that would be terrific!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush

familyfirst09 said:


> Aww thanks Mike! xo. However I am no inspiration lol, I am stubborn and really should be further than I am lol. However, if anyone reads my stories and sees light at the end of their own tunnel, then that would be terrific!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you are doing fine, trust me on that one......I made a lot of mistakes and had a rough time, I do not see that with you


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## familyfirst09

Well you know what "they" say - you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. In my case, I just need to make them a few times before the lesson actually kicks in lol (sandc will agree with me lol). No doubt I will make a ton more mistakes!! But some I really do know not to make them anymore. And you're in a good place now too right??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

FF, you sound really happy, and that makes me happy for you! It sounds like everything is really coming together for you. All that stress about money is going to disappear because of careful planning from you. That is always such a huge weight.

I think you're actually doing great already with your plan to meet new people. Just keep doing what you're doing, and it will happen. When STBXH and I first got married, I moved to his hometown. I didn't know anyone, and I worked long hours every day, so it seemed impossible for me to make new friends. I did have STBXH to at least introduce me to people whenever we were out, but I never made any friends until my kids started school. When my youngest started Kindergarten, I went on a field trip with the class to a kids' museum, and there were several other mothers there. This is where I met one of my (now) really good friends. ---from that one 4-hour school trip. This was the first time I'd ever been able to do something like that. So you never know when you might make a new friend. I've even ended up becoming friends with a few of my kids' teachers over the years.

You're doing great though! Keep up the positive attitude!


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## rush

familyfirst09 said:


> Well you know what "they" say - you have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. In my case, I just need to make them a few times before the lesson actually kicks in lol (sandc will agree with me lol). No doubt I will make a ton more mistakes!! But some I really do know not to make them anymore. And you're in a good place now too right??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am doing ok, enough said


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## familyfirst09

Well I had a terrific day!! I was a social butterfly and ended up planning an "purse" party, got invited to a GNO and got invited to a Saint Patty's Day Dance!! 

I just said "fvck it" and just was a social butterfly. Went to the washer toss tournament, had a blast (we lost but it was fun as heck). Talked to everyone, joked around, laughed, I actually felt like "myself" from a few years ago. There was a cute guy there (haha!) so I was chatting with him and a few other guys at the same time with a friend of mine, and she left and instead of me leaving too I stayed and kept on chatting with these guys I didnt know for about another 15 minutes or so, it was weird, but it was fun!! (no, there was nothing more to it than just conversation, don't even know what his name was lol).

Afterwards, got invited to go play darts at someone's house so I went, again had a lot of fun with a few people I didnt know. 

Then tonight I went to a "candle" party and had fun chatting with some girls I never met before and even planned to host a party in April.

Very productive and fun day, felt very good being social again I have to say - with no expectations or assumptions, I might add.

Im home now, very tired, fun day, but long. Feeling a bit lonely now but that's normal. D called tonight again, she'll be home tomorrow afternoon 

Have a great night all. xoxo


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## sandc

That's the way to do it. No expectations, no assumptions, just have fun! If you are happy and fun, people will want to be around you.


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## LanieB

That's wonderful, FF! I'm so happy for you! It sounds like your social life is just beginning to blossom. Pretty soon you won't be able to schedule all your opportunities for fun! 

Have a great Sunday!


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## familyfirst09

Thanks  I definitely don't need a lot of fun opportunities - still need to keep my balance, but its definitely nice to know I have some things to do and places to go to meet some new people.

I ran into an old friend today at the grocery store, her and her husband still hang out with ex. She is over the top friendly, always has been, which is nice but it just feels so awkward because everyone from my "past" who I run into, totally just completely ignores the whole situation. And I always find it funny that they all say to me "I miss D...you and D should come over some time...etc" not really sure why they don't see her now when she is with ex. Again, its another one of those friendships that I have to let go. By the time I got to my car, I was almost in tears just thinking about things. But I sucked it up and went about the rest of my day.

D is home now and we are going to have supper and watch a movie, hope everyone has a great night!!


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## familyfirst09

So how do I handle this situation? (there's always a first for everything right?)

I get an "FYI" email from ex-MIL this morning. I NEVER hear from her at all anymore whatsoever (good thing). She says "not sure if you know but Uncle J passed away". WTF?????

No I did not know, because no one told me!!! Uncle "J" was the husband of one of her Great Aunts, great man, always laughing and smiling, he will be missed.

So I know I am "out" of their family now but shouldn't someone have told me sooner, like maybe ex should have mentioned it??

Then she goes on to say "I don't think ex told D, its probably best coming from you".

Its like they act like I wouldn't care to know or not. I am very saddened by his death, he was a terrific man and he loved D very much.

his mom also said they had a family gathering this weekend but ex didn't go - go figure, he never did family functions.

Honestly, if someone in my family passed away, i would tell ex almost immediatley because they were his family too for 15 years. Isn't that the proper thing to do??

I am not even sure if there is a funeral/reception as she didn't say, again, just assuming I wouldn't want to go to pay my respects.

Not sure how to respond to all of this. Is this how "in laws" become after a divorce? Or is it just my non-feeling, non-caring ex-family?? All people aren't like this are they???


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## Ceegee

My Aunt passed away Friday. I am not telling CT. 

She quit the family so I don't feel obligated to fill her in on family news.


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## doubletrouble

There's no "right" way for an ex family to communicate these things. Look in the obits for a funeral announcement, if it's not too late. 

I'm sorry for your loss, and your D will feel the loss as well. Your dbag ex should be the one to tell D, since it was his family side, but that's just my opinion. 

All people are not like this, but then again, some situations, people just don't know how to act so they wing it. Not always with the best results. I wouldn't let it get to you.


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## familyfirst09

I am trying not to let it get to me. I checked the obituaries this morning and don't see anything, I will check again tomorrow. And yes I think he should have told her, but he is so emotional stunted and always has been he probably didnt even know how to. So I will tell her when she gets home from school.

When my sister had her baby a little bit ago, I did not tell him. So I get your point CeeGee. He quit my family and no longer wanted to be her brother and law so obviously he doesnt care that I have a new neice and D has a new cousin.

But I never quit him nor his family, they fired me! In the end I am glad that his mother told me, altho really the only reason she did was so I could tell D so she's not taken off gaurd the next time she sees his wife and they are not together. They really are quite cold and heartless, sad that my D has to grow up with that.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm. Well, I quit his family but they didn't quit me. He made them. My BIL likes me better than his own brother but ex sent him a cease and desist with contact letter. Even though it's not enforceable, they (BIL/SIL) couldn't afford to defend it and it had to be filed in the "not worth it" category. I get it - the whole situation was toxic but I LIKED my SIL. She was very supportive in the years leading up to the divorce and after as well. 

I went to drop kiddo off for VBS in his mother's town and was going to go to her house when ex told me I was no longer part of the family and he wouldn't have me straining her good nature and to never go there. He doesn't know that she used to write me and send money and she even apologized for him being an ass and said she didn't raise him like that. She is one fabulous lady. I'll be super sad when she passes (which will likely be in the next year or so).

Bottom line is it just depends on the family. i was married 15 years and felt like they were my family, too, but I guess leaving and abuser came with the casualty of losing a great set of in-laws.

Ex pretty much ostracized everyone in both his and my family.


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## LanieB

FF, now would be a good time to tell your X-MIL to please contact you if anything like this happens in the future. You can say it's for the same reason - so you can tell your D. 

My in-laws are good people too (except MIL is super-negative), but I'm sure I will never hear another word from them. I haven't so far. I don't see this changing. However, I live in a really small town, so if anything happens to one of their relatives, I'll hear about it in a heartbeat from someone else.


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## familyfirst09

His mom was on "my side" for quite some time. But she was also very naive when it came to the whole situation - even after he moved in with tramp she was still calling me and emailing me telling me to "give it time" and "be nice to him" etc. At some point, I told her to stop being stupid, something to that affect and I've pretty much haven't heard from her since. I don't want to hear from or about any of them (him and his parents or tramp) it works for me and my emotional health. Just a constant remember of how they shunned me after 15 years and just readily accepted this tramp into their lives and into D's life. Its not a reminder I need. 

I talked to D after school and it sounds like she knew he was sick, altho not sure how. But she seemed okay, said he was up in heaven with "x and x". She then gave me a "pep talk" about us being a family and we are going to be just fine, lol!! Not sure where all that came from but it was cute as hell. I told her jokingly to smarten up, I was the mom, she was the kid. She said "well sometimes you mom's need a kid talk". Kid cracks me up, always makes me smile when I need it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

Ceegee said:


> My Aunt passed away Friday. I am not telling CT.
> 
> She quit the family so I don't feel obligated to fill her in on family news.


The hell with her.


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## familyfirst09

Sorry to hear about your Aunt CeeGee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee

Conrad said:


> The hell with her.



I don't have a problem with this.


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## Ceegee

familyfirst09 said:


> His mom was on "my side" for quite some time. But she was also very naive when it came to the whole situation - even after he moved in with tramp she was still calling me and emailing me telling me to "give it time" and "be nice to him" etc. At some point, I told her to stop being stupid, something to that affect and I've pretty much haven't heard from her since. I don't want to hear from or about any of them (him and his parents or tramp) it works for me and my emotional health. Just a constant remember of how they shunned me after 15 years and just readily accepted this tramp into their lives and into D's life. Its not a reminder I need.
> 
> 
> 
> I talked to D after school and it sounds like she knew he was sick, altho not sure how. But she seemed okay, said he was up in heaven with "x and x". She then gave me a "pep talk" about us being a family and we are going to be just fine, lol!! Not sure where all that came from but it was cute as hell. I told her jokingly to smarten up, I was the mom, she was the kid. She said "well sometimes you mom's need a kid talk". Kid cracks me up, always makes me smile when I need it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This first paragraph is so telling. 

You know she was never on your side, his side or anyone's side. 

She is an enabler. 

Probably explains a lot about your ex. 

Obviously, your D isn't following suit. 

Good on you.


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## karole

D sounds like a very mature young lady!


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## familyfirst09

Well I did it!!! Did something I always always wanted to do but never could because it was something ex would never "let" me do....i go a tattoo!!!! just a small simple one on my wrist - it's D's adoption date with the adoption symbol. I am over the moon elated with myself right now, feels so great!! I know some people don't like tattoos but I always have and this one is especially special to me. Yay me!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush

familyfirst09 said:


> Well I did it!!! Did something I always always wanted to do but never could because it was something ex would never "let" me do....i go a tattoo!!!! just a small simple one on my wrist - it's D's adoption date with the adoption symbol. I am over the moon elated with myself right now, feels so great!! I know some people don't like tattoos but I always have and this one is especially special to me. Yay me!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Congrats,,,,,,got to get a pic of it.......I am considering one too but not decided which one


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## sandc

Now THAT is a nice tattoo. I would get a tattoo if they could figure out how to make it permanent without using pokey sharp things. Pity too... my pasty white skin is the perfect canvas.


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## LanieB

That's cool, FF! Good for you! I've thought about getting a small one with my kids' names in some kind of design - maybe the infinity symbol. Not sure where I would put it. Maybe a shoulder blade??? I dunno. Of course, now I'm also thinking of one that says "be free"!!


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## sandc

Be Free? That would make a wonderful tramp stamp!


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## LanieB

Ya think? I don't know, I was thinking I could get "Tramp Stamp" as my tramp stamp. Yes? No? 

Actually I was going to wait until right before I go into a nursing home and get a tramp stamp that says, "Wipe Me". :rofl:


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## sandc

LanieB said:


> Ya think? I don't know, I was thinking I could get "Tramp Stamp" as my tramp stamp. Yes? No?
> 
> Actually I was going to wait until right before I go into a nursing home and get a tramp stamp that says, "Wipe Me". :rofl:


:lol::lol:

Or get your name tattooed on your forehead backwards so when you look in a mirror you'll remember your name.


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## familyfirst09

I will try to post a pic today...can't do that from my phone. I will put it in my album. 

I personally don't like the "tramp stamps", won't ever get one there, shoulder blade, yes, if I ever get another one. They said they are addictive...not sure about that for me. 

I'm taking D away for march break next week, should be a lot of fun. I sent ex a note letting him know and he actually freaked out on me because we won't be home for his "tuesday night visit". Seriously??? He has missed a ton of his tuesday night visits for one reason or another but when it's "my fault" it's a big deal? Lol what a hoot. I just laugh now, vent to you guys or my sister and move on. 

The guilt still gets to me sometimes and I know that was his intention. So I reminded D that she would be missing her visit with him when we go away and asked if she was okay with it. Her response "fine by me! Even better!!". Certainly says something eh? So I didn't bother responding to him. He knows she's off for a week and what days we are gone. He is more than welcome to ask/offer to take her any other night (which he wont). 

I'm so excited to start vacation!! Off for a week, altho I will still have to work from home for some of it, blah. But I don't have a choice. 

Now I must go see what Lanie is up to....im only on the bus for so long!! happy eff day everyone!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker

The literal translation for the German term for "tramp stamp" is "ass antlers".


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## familyfirst09

See that's just wrong. I don't want antlers on my ass!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

CharlieParker said:


> The literal translation for the German term for "tramp stamp" is "ass antlers".


:rofl::rofl::lol::lol: That's hilarious!


----------



## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> See that's just wrong. I don't want antlers on my ass!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aw, come on, FF! Think of all the men you could attract if you had an antler tramp stamp! The hunters would be coming outta the woods in droves to ask you out! :rofl:


----------



## familyfirst09

Well I might as well just start using bacon scented perfume...that'll have them coming in droves!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

Well you'd better prepare yourself for the massive wave of men that will be coming at you! Bacon is the ultimate aphrodisiac!


----------



## rush

bacon?


----------



## CharlieParker

Posted in the bacon thread but turn your iPhone into a bacon sent alarm clock. Wake Up & Smell The Bacon


----------



## familyfirst09

Seriously, there is a bacon thread?? LOL!!!
There is a restaurant outside of my office that makes bacon cupcakes!!

I just posted a pic of my tattoo in my album so if you are on my friend list you will be able to see it. I still have not figured out how to post my own pictures into a message, just ones from the internet lol.

D dumped me last night to go to my guy friend's (who is gay) house, lol, hilarious. She loves him and actually said "I wish he was your boyfriend!!" He was having some people over and my niece and nephews were going so she wanted to go to.

So I ended up spending a few hours with an old friend whom I have not seen in ages. Great guy (yes I said guy), and a great friend, see him being a good friend going forward (nothing more than that). I haven't laughed like that in a long time, he has some crazy stories.

All I will say about it is that he is a spitting image of LUKE BRIAN and I am not kidding in the least!!!!!!

Me and D are kicking off our "march/spring" break today by taking in a 3D movie. 

I really am starting to feel that I definitely got the better end of this whole Divorce deal.


----------



## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Seriously, there is a bacon thread?? LOL!!!
> There is a restaurant outside of my office that makes bacon cupcakes!!
> 
> I just posted a pic of my tattoo in my album so if you are on my friend list you will be able to see it. I still have not figured out how to post my own pictures into a message, just ones from the internet lol.
> 
> D dumped me last night to go to my guy friend's (who is gay) house, lol, hilarious. She loves him and actually said "I wish he was your boyfriend!!" He was having some people over and my niece and nephews were going so she wanted to go to.
> 
> So I ended up spending a few hours with an old friend whom I have not seen in ages. Great guy (yes I said guy), and a great friend, see him being a good friend going forward (nothing more than that). I haven't laughed like that in a long time, he has some crazy stories.
> 
> *All I will say about it is that he is a spitting image of LUKE BRIAN and I am not kidding in the least!!!!!!*
> 
> Me and D are kicking off our "march/spring" break today by taking in a 3D movie.
> 
> I really am starting to feel that I definitely got the better end of this whole Divorce deal.


OMG, FF! He looks like Luke, yet he is staying in the friend-zone?!! Are you crazy??!! Oh wait a minute, I already know the answer to that! Yes. Yes, you are crazy. 

I'll have to go look at your album for the new tat! Sounds like you're really happy now and starting to realize your life is actually BETTER than it was before the divorce. You are inspiring me, FF! And I need that. So thanks for the inspiration!


----------



## familyfirst09

He really does look like him. I never noticed before (just from pics) but it's been a while since I saw him in person. He really really does. 

Yep, friend zone for sure, I mean never know what could happen down the road but he's definitely not "LTR" material at the moment. Like the rest of us, he's got ex drama, his kids are struggling a great deal and he also travels a lot with his job. So I just don't want to get invested with someone like that right now and he is in no way ready to move into anything serious himself so we will have fun hanging out once in a while but that's it. No commitments, no obligations, no pressure. Maybe if it was a different time...I dunno....but I'm happy to have a "new" old friend in my life. Everyone comes into our lives for a purpose right - and he definitely suited a purpose last night. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

It's great that you can look at it like that and not feel like you have to jump into something. That's when you know you've got your head straight, and you're moving in the right direction. I'm really proud of you, FF!


----------



## familyfirst09

Yanno, I'm proud of me too!! I just know when I do jump, it'll be the right one AND at the right time 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

No rush. 

Looks aren't everything, but they sure don't hurt, either. 

It's a luxury to wake up to perfection every day. That's what you want to find.


----------



## sandc

We're off the market DT. Co-equals of manly perfection. She'll have to settle for second best.


----------



## familyfirst09

I am no where ever ever ever close to perfect haha, no one is. And I am not looking for perfect either. Just perfect for me  In the meantime, I am going to enjoy myself.

And then when the dopleganger of SandC or DT come along, I will be ready!!!!!


----------



## sandc

My dopelganger is a jerk. I've met him. Stay away from him.


----------



## doubletrouble

Perfect for you, that's what I mean. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, er, beholder, and you are a little better off if you wake up and see that halo of beauty in your partner. 

And to be clear, it's not all about looks. It's about being able to see their soul, where all our real beauty lies. 

As much as people fawn over and make comments about the Luke Bryans of the world, it reminds me of a picture I once saw of a physically beautiful woman standing in the light of a sunset, next to a marble column, with her filmy gown wafting in a light breeze as she looked into the camera. The caption read: "No matter how good she looks, there's some guy out there who's sick of her sh!t!"

I'm preaching to the choir, I think. And y'all will drool over Luke all you want. Drerio's comments about him nailed it lol


----------



## doubletrouble

I'm gonna hafta google doppleganger. I thought it might be a pet name for some body part. Sounds like it... but then that's me...


----------



## familyfirst09

That is exactly how I feel!!!! REAL beauty is within, I know this. It's one of the reason I struggle so much with compliments because I really don't give a sh*t if a guy thinks I have a nice azz or whatever, I want someone to love me for WHO I AM, not what I look like, cause I tell you, it ain't all that pretty in the morning lol. But I want someone who loves me regardless of all of that stuff.

Everyone has their own idea of "beauty" and to some, I am a dog, to others, I am pretty, whatever, but the same can be said about anyone. Heck I dated who looked like Bert from Sesame Street (no lie) for 7 years but to me he was beautiful. We just grew apart (we were together very young) but we are still friends today. (and he still looks like Bert! lol).


----------



## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> My dopelganger is a jerk. I've met him. Stay away from him.


lol, a jerk to you could be a prince to someone else!!!


----------



## doubletrouble

Of course you give a sh!t if a guy thinks you have a nice ass. But your character isn't found in your ass. That's just our animal side coming through. We all have it, it's undeniable. So take those compliments too, since God gave you what you have to work with.

But too many people get caught up in the surface stuff and forget there's way more to the human package than just our outside package. 

*goes off to ff's page to look for ass pics*


----------



## familyfirst09

Oh I know, it's human nature and the outer "beauty" is the first thing you see. Its normal. Just want both and won't settle for anything less. 

And yer not gonna find any ass pics in my album, sorry!! Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rush

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh I know, it's human nature and the outer "beauty" is the first thing you see. Its normal. Just want both and won't settle for anything less.
> 
> And yer not gonna find any ass pics in my album, sorry!! Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you don't need any ass pictures girl!


----------



## sandc

I think I saw a picture of your ass once. Good thing you don't live with him anymore.


----------



## familyfirst09

rush said:


> you don't need any ass pictures girl!



Lol!! Yes Sir!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> I think I saw a picture of your ass once. Good thing you don't live with him anymore.


I know right lol. Now I just live with 2 b*tches and D 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doubletrouble

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh I know, it's human nature and the outer "beauty" is the first thing you see. Its normal. Just want both and won't settle for anything less.
> 
> And yer not gonna find any ass pics in my album, sorry!! Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never settle! I know that mistake intimately. 

And of course I was kidding about the pics


----------



## Oldfaithful

I don't get the Luke Bryan thing. He's average at best. 

Did your ex bf have yellow skin and a pointy head? (You have a good point but unfortunately it's on top of your head.)


----------



## doubletrouble

I posted that Luke gif on another thread and the gals there pretty much said "meh" so I guess it's just a certain type that gets a certain type. How's that for a news flash?


----------



## Oldfaithful

The older I get the less attractive I find celebrities.


----------



## doubletrouble

The more you know about real people the less you are attracted to image-onlies?


----------



## familyfirst09

Argh I'm so frustrated and feeling upset right now. So I have a girl friend I hang out with sometimes, pretty much the last friend I have pre-marriage. Omfg she is draining me emotionally! All she does lately is go on and on and on about her boyfriend's ex girlfriend and breaks up with him every second week because of her. She creeps her facebook page and then emails me the details, constantly. She is also permanently glued to the victim chair and I am so fed up with it. She won't socialize and has said she doesn't want anymore friends because she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do. 

So now, because she's in a "oh poor me" mood, she has decided to not go to the saint Patricks day dance saturday night and I already bought her effin ticket. Now I feel like a friggin loser trying to get rid of this ticket because I honestly don't have any other really close friends that I would ask to go, everyone else already has tickets and dates. 

As well, she cancelled our weekend getaway at the end of the month that I have soooooo been looking forward to!! Argh!!!! I'm done. I don't want negative people in my life. At this point I'd rather not have any friends than negative ones, I want real friends not just a friend to have a friend. She won't even come over to my house if other people are here. I've tried to help her and support her, just listen but she doesn't care, all she cares about is her bf's ex and having people feel sorry for her. I honestly don't know what to do but now I feel like sh*t because of it all. 

Has anyone dealt with this before??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Yes. Yes I have.


----------



## familyfirst09

Well what should I do??
I know one thing, I'm going to that weekend away by myself!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

You're just going to do the opposite of whatever I say!


----------



## LanieB

Well that sucks, FF!  That girl will end up with zero friends and zero boyfriends, and it will be completely understandable! Sheesh. I hate people like that. I can't be around negative, b!tchy people - it sucks the life right out of me. Yuck. 

Because of my situation - and now that word has gotten out that I'm divorcing asshat, women are coming at me from every direction with all their marital problems! And because of TAM, I've given out some very good advice, but geez - - enough already! Some of these women don't seem all that concerned about what I've gone through, they just want to tell me how awful their marriages are. :scratchhead: And I'm thinking, "uh, you wanna hear about an awful marriage?? Sit down and get comfortable while I tell you my story."  

Please, no more drama! No more whining! No more sob stories! We want fun and smiles and happy times! 

I wish I lived closer to you, because I'd go with you in a heartbeat! And we would have a great time!


----------



## sandc

Alright... I'll say it anyway. 

I've learned to just take my friends where I can get them. If people are nice to me and enjoy being around me then we have fun together. If they just want to "use" me in any way, shape, or form, then they're not really friends. Use as in... I just want to complain "at" you about my life, I don't really care what YOU have to say, just want to vent all the time. Okay... get a dog and vent at the dog. I want to interact.

When she can fulfill the role as a friend, then be her friend. When she turns into a complaining leach, politely excuse yourself and go to the St Patty's day dance with Lanie. 

This is why I've been saying all along, you've got to learn to live with yourself before you can live with someone else. Find out who you are. Just be you. Don't TRY to be friends. Just be yourself and the friends will magically appear. I promise.


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## familyfirst09

I will listen!! Lol
I have done very well at staying away from negativity but it just seems to be getting worse and worse with her. I completely understand that people have problems and issues and I certainly don't mind hearing them but how about you ask about me once in a while - friendship is a two way street. Don't come b*tching at me but then dismiss everything I say, don't b*tch at me then!!!

I wish we lived closer too!!! I'm still going to go to the dance, hopefully I will better about it all by then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> I will listen!! Lol
> I have done very well at staying away from negativity but it just seems to be getting worse and worse with her. I completely understand that people have problems and issues and I certainly don't mind hearing them but how about you ask about me once in a while - friendship is a two way street. *Don't come b*tching at me but then dismiss everything I say, don't b*tch at me then!!!*
> 
> I wish we lived closer too!!! I'm still going to go to the dance, hopefully I will better about it all by then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol: I'm keeping that one for later in case I need it for this broad I know up in Canada.


----------



## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> Alright... I'll say it anyway.
> 
> I've learned to just take my friends where I can get them. If people are nice to me and enjoy being around me then we have fun together. If they just want to "use" me in any way, shape, or form, then they're not really friends. Use as in... I just want to complain "at" you about my life, I don't really care what YOU have to say, just want to vent all the time. Okay... get a dog and vent at the dog. I want to interact.
> 
> When she can fulfill the role as a friend, then be her friend. When she turns into a complaining leach, politely excuse yourself and go to the St Patty's day dance with Lanie.
> 
> This is why I've been saying all along, you've got to learn to live with yourself before you can live with someone else. Find out who you are. Just be you. Don't TRY to be friends. Just be yourself and the friends will magically appear. I promise.



Ok. Understood. This is what I've been trying to do. Now, whenever she brings up the bf's ex, I simply ignore it and don't respond to it. I think I've been doing okay at being myself lately, and even being "solo" a lot but this has just really gotten to me. I bend over backwards for her because that's what friends do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> :lol: I'm keeping that one for later in case I need it for this broad I know up in Canada.


Haha I actually thought of you as I wrote that lol. I don't b*tch! I seek advice. There's a difference!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Ok. Understood. This is what I've been trying to do. Now, whenever she brings up the bf's ex, I simply ignore it and don't respond to it. I think I've been doing okay at being myself lately, and even being "solo" a lot but this has just really gotten to me. I bend over backwards for her because that's what friends do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When she brings that subject up just change the subject. 

Whiney friend: "That ex-gf is such a ..."

FF: "Uh huh... so why don't we go out dancing?"

Whiney friend: "... and I can't stand her she's such a..."

FF: "So that's a 'no' on the dancing? Okay, well, I'm going dancing. Catch you later... mwah!"

And then out the door you go. Don't let her control your friendship experience. It's a two way street or a one way exit out the door.


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Haha I actually thought of you as I wrote that lol. I don't b*tch! I seek advice. There's a difference!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uh huh... :lol:


----------



## familyfirst09

Oh thank you. I can do that and have been. I'm not going to sink back into my shell now!! And there will be other single people there, at least I hope anyway!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

Wazzup, FF?!


----------



## familyfirst09

Cleaning out my inbox now!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB




----------



## familyfirst09

it's done now


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I had a friend who, I was supportive at first but then it got really old when I realized she was always a victim. Coming from where I did, I don't have any pity, much like Lanie. It's not a contest but dayum, move on already. 

That friend used to be a roommate. I was saving up for a house post-divorce and we rented a 5br/3ba house for 2 years. We had been month-to-month for 2 months at this point and out of curiosity I went online to look at houses and immediately found exactly what I was looking for in my price range, called the realtor, looked at it, loved it and put in an offer all in one day (Saturday) while she was at work - it just all came together very suddenly. 

So Sunday when I told her, acknowledging that it was sudden and unplanned but great timing as we were month to month and that my offer had been accepted and I was going to close in 30-45 days and that we'd have to give our notice to the leasing company. She cussed me out, stormed off, got boxes and started packing the next day and refused to speak to me and didn't speak right up til the day she hauled out the last box. 

She was the 'victim' again. She had 2 years to save up a deposit for her own place yet I was somehow screwing her over by moving on even tho I gave her adequate notice. She really just didn't like that I was NOT a victim. That's when I learned that REAL friends are happy for your success, not jealous.

I can't live with that kind of negativity. You are better off and you will find some nicer people because your positive energy will suck them in!


----------



## LanieB

I'd rather be friendless than have "friends" like that. And after you've been through hell for so long, you're ready for some HAPPY!


----------



## familyfirst09

EnjoliWoman said:


> I had a friend who, I was supportive at first but then it got really old when I realized she was always a victim. Coming from where I did, I don't have any pity, much like Lanie. It's not a contest but dayum, move on already.
> 
> That friend used to be a roommate. I was saving up for a house post-divorce and we rented a 5br/3ba house for 2 years. We had been month-to-month for 2 months at this point and out of curiosity I went online to look at houses and immediately found exactly what I was looking for in my price range, called the realtor, looked at it, loved it and put in an offer all in one day (Saturday) while she was at work - it just all came together very suddenly.
> 
> So Sunday when I told her, acknowledging that it was sudden and unplanned but great timing as we were month to month and that my offer had been accepted and I was going to close in 30-45 days and that we'd have to give our notice to the leasing company. She cussed me out, stormed off, got boxes and started packing the next day and refused to speak to me and didn't speak right up til the day she hauled out the last box.
> 
> She was the 'victim' again. She had 2 years to save up a deposit for her own place yet I was somehow screwing her over by moving on even tho I gave her adequate notice. She really just didn't like that I was NOT a victim. That's when I learned that REAL friends are happy for your success, not jealous.
> 
> I can't live with that kind of negativity. You are better off and you will find some nicer people because your positive energy will suck them in!


Well awesome job on finding the house!!! And yes this is exactly what it is like with her. She just doesnt seem to be happy if there is drama. I have another friend like this too but i've already distanced myself from her.

Everyone goes thru crappy times but you can't let it sit in your brain forever. My gosh, she even called a 16 year old girl a C$NT...no joke...who does that???

She has issues she needs help with and she wont go to IC and I can't be her therapist anymore, it's too draining.

I love being positive, with a touch of crazy, its me, its who I am!!


----------



## familyfirst09

LanieB said:


> I'd rather be friendless than have "friends" like that. And after you've been through hell for so long, you're ready for some HAPPY!


Exactly. I am not completely friendless but no longer have any close close friends. But I am okay with that and it could change in the future. My sister and I (my older sister who lives here not my younger sister who lives out west) have gotten alot closer since I moved back to my home town and we always hang out and Im making alot of new friends thru her. There is about 30 people all going to gether to the dance this weekend, I don't need someone negative to go just so I have someone with "me".


----------



## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Exactly. I am not completely friendless but no longer have any close close friends. But I am okay with that and it could change in the future. My sister and I (my older sister who lives here not my younger sister who lives out west) have gotten alot closer since I moved back to my home town and we always hang out and Im making alot of new friends thru her. There is about 30 people all going to gether to the dance this weekend, I don't need someone negative to go just so I have someone with "me".


You'll have much more fun going with a big group of people anyway, and you won't be stuck listening to her whining and moaning all night. I bet you'll have a great time!


----------



## familyfirst09

I hope so!! There should be alot of people that I havent seen in ages there and I am soooo looking forward to dancing!! I haven't danced in ages!!!

:corkysm60:


----------



## LanieB

That sounds like so much fun, FF! I wish there was something like that I could go to around here. You'll have to tell me all the details about it, so I can live vicariously through you!


----------



## familyfirst09

Ok, I can do that!!!! I have this great slinky green halter top that I am going to wear, its very sexy...not that my A-cups could compete with your ginormous B-cups but they look pretty damn good in my slinky shirt!! 

Oh and a bottle of wine is only 10 bucks, lol!


----------



## LanieB

:rofl::lol: Showcase those hooters, FF!


----------



## familyfirst09

Lol oh they are far from hooters...more like hoots...but I've never had any complaints 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

And I'm sure you won't be receiving any future complaints, FF! I'm sure your "hoots" are as perky as you are! :rofl:


----------



## familyfirst09

They most definitely are!! One of the joys of having small boobs and also not giving birth - I'm 40 and they are still perky as ever!!

*i said boobs* 

Now I must get my ass in gear. Taking D swimming (the kid is half fish I swear) for her last day of march break. Then I have to ship her off with ex and enjoy some grown up time with my friend 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

Have fun today!


----------



## familyfirst09

Thanks!!! I really need to get off this site and get ready lol. I have a bikini calling my name (dear god!!) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LanieB

Rock that bikini, FF!


----------



## EnjoliWoman

familyfirst09 said:


> They most definitely are!! One of the joys of having small boobs and also not giving birth - I'm 40 and they are still perky as ever!!
> 
> *i said boobs*
> 
> Now I must get my ass in gear. Taking D swimming (the kid is half fish I swear) for her last day of march break. Then I have to ship her off with ex and enjoy some grown up time with my friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah - did you adopt? If so, that's great!  I am - it's a good thing.


----------



## LanieB

Adopted kids are the BEST! 




I'm adopted too!


----------



## rush

bikini?


----------



## Ikaika

LanieB said:


> Adopted kids are the BEST!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm adopted too!



I wish I would have been adopted 

My dad pretty much beat into me what a loser I was. He probably was right.


----------



## familyfirst09

drerio said:


> I wish I would have been adopted
> 
> My dad pretty much beat into me what a loser I was. He probably was right.


What?????????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ikaika

familyfirst09 said:


> What?????????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



True, sad to say.


----------



## familyfirst09

Awww, I don't like hearing that 

If it makes you feel any better my dad was a total ass too, even one time he threatened me with a gun. He had serious anger issues when I was growing up. Thankfully he got better and has helped me a lot thru my divorce. But those memories stick with you. But they also shape you into the great person you are and I think you're pretty great!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rush

drerio said:


> True, sad to say.


not what I see at all


----------



## Ikaika

rush said:


> not what I see at all



Well, I am getting better with seeing a different vision and one thing is for sure... I am not my father.


----------



## familyfirst09

No you are not!! We don't have to grow up to be products of our family. Funny enough I really don't have an angry bone in my body!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09

Altho...argh....i just had a horrible phone call from D. she said ex pushed her. He was screaming in the background saying "I didn't push you, if I wanted to push you I'd put you thru the freakin wall" Omfg. She was crying and wanted to come home and he said no. I stayed as calm as I could and told her I was sorry I couldn't do anything  I did yell and told him not to speak to her that way - who tells a 6 year old you could put her thru a wall?????
I told her to talk to him calmly and don't be rude but tell him that she did not like what he did and it made her feel bad. He kept interrupting her and wouldn't let her speak. Gosh I feel so bad I'm shaking and there is nothing I can do 

I asked her if she was in bed and if she could go to sleep for me and then call me in the morning. 

I feel horrible  my poor kid. She has no respect for him whatsoever. That's his fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rush

I am sorry, I am sure D is ok....


----------



## LanieB

Drerio -- you know better than to say that! You are a wonderful person, a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father - as well as a wonderful friend. It just doesn't get better than that!

FF - That's a load of sh!t! I'm mad for you! What an idiot! And here you were having a pleasant evening, and he has to go and be a dumbass!  Are you documenting this????


----------



## sandc

I think my parents wish I was adopted. They have no one to blame but themselves.


----------



## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Altho...argh....i just had a horrible phone call from D. she said ex pushed her. He was screaming in the background saying "I didn't push you, if I wanted to push you I'd put you thru the freakin wall" Omfg. She was crying and wanted to come home and he said no. I stayed as calm as I could and told her I was sorry I couldn't do anything  I did yell and told him not to speak to her that way - who tells a 6 year old you could put her thru a wall?????
> I told her to talk to him calmly and don't be rude but tell him that she did not like what he did and it made her feel bad. He kept interrupting her and wouldn't let her speak. Gosh I feel so bad I'm shaking and there is nothing I can do
> 
> I asked her if she was in bed and if she could go to sleep for me and then call me in the morning.
> 
> I feel horrible  my poor kid. She has no respect for him whatsoever. That's his fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Three words: Child Protective Services. Or whatever they call it in Canada. Call them and say your daughter called and said her father was abusing her. Get it on record.


----------



## Ikaika

Wow FF, that really really sucks. I hope he realizes he will regret these moments. I do hope your daughter will be ok 

Lanie, somedays voices in my head say otherwise. Fathers can have a real impact on a child's life, good and bad.

ETA: don't know if it is positive, one thing my father made of me, overly competitive. Chasing ghost.


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## rush

familyfirst09 said:


> Altho...argh....i just had a horrible phone call from D. she said ex pushed her. He was screaming in the background saying "I didn't push you, if I wanted to push you I'd put you thru the freakin wall" Omfg. She was crying and wanted to come home and he said no. I stayed as calm as I could and told her I was sorry I couldn't do anything  I did yell and told him not to speak to her that way - who tells a 6 year old you could put her thru a wall?????
> I told her to talk to him calmly and don't be rude but tell him that she did not like what he did and it made her feel bad. He kept interrupting her and wouldn't let her speak. Gosh I feel so bad I'm shaking and there is nothing I can do
> 
> I asked her if she was in bed and if she could go to sleep for me and then call me in the morning.
> 
> I feel horrible  my poor kid. She has no respect for him whatsoever. That's his fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can have a child welfare check done by the police,,,but may make it worse


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## familyfirst09

I followed up to him with an email and told him I would be calling her in the morning. Also told him if I get a phone call like that again I would find out where he lives and come get her. I've got a friend who works for CPS and really nothing I can do, it's his word against her plus tramp would probably back him up. So unless she comes home with bruises nothing I can do 

He's so stupid and in to himself he has no idea how to treat her or have a relationship with her. And there is nothing I can do about it, it's out of my control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

In California they always believe the child. Which isn't always good of course.


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## EnjoliWoman

familyfirst09 said:


> Altho...argh....i just had a horrible phone call from D. she said ex pushed her. He was screaming in the background saying "I didn't push you, if I wanted to push you I'd put you thru the freakin wall" Omfg. She was crying and wanted to come home and he said no. I stayed as calm as I could and told her I was sorry I couldn't do anything  I did yell and told him not to speak to her that way - who tells a 6 year old you could put her thru a wall?????
> I told her to talk to him calmly and don't be rude but tell him that she did not like what he did and it made her feel bad. He kept interrupting her and wouldn't let her speak. Gosh I feel so bad I'm shaking and there is nothing I can do
> 
> I asked her if she was in bed and if she could go to sleep for me and then call me in the morning.
> 
> I feel horrible  my poor kid. She has no respect for him whatsoever. That's his fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PLEASE get a recorder. I don't know Canadian laws but I was allowed to give consent on kiddo's behalf to record her calls because I was her legal guardian. I have an awful recording of ex on the phone w/ kiddo and he knows it since the last legal encounter. I hope it keeps him on the straight and narrow.  I'm so sorry.  No adult should THREATEN a child with physical repercussions. Removing toys or grounding, sure but not threats to throw a kid through a wall.  I'm sooooo sorry you are both going through this.


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## familyfirst09

They don't believe the kids here at all - I gave them all kinds of proof of his idiotness when we were going thru the custody stuff and it was just tossed out. 

He doesn't even see that he did anything wrong, he never does. I totally agree with discipline and she's a tough kid but my god, don't threaten to put her thru a wall!! And then he blames me, lol which is funny because we've had an awesome week together. 

I'm sure she's asleep by now and I will definitely check on her in the morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

EnjoliWoman said:


> *PLEASE get a recorder. *I don't know Canadian laws but I was allowed to give consent on kiddo's behalf to record her calls because I was her legal guardian. I have an awful recording of ex on the phone w/ kiddo and he knows it since the last legal encounter. I hope it keeps him on the straight and narrow.  I'm so sorry.  No adult should THREATEN a child with physical repercussions. Removing toys or grounding, sure but not threats to throw a kid through a wall.  I'm sooooo sorry you are both going through this.


This is exactly what I was just thinking. (since I am a recording queen now) Recording the phonecalls might be all you need to do, but when I was ordering my flash drive voice recorder, I read some of the reviews on it. There was one where a kid was being bullied at school, and no one believed him (they couldn't prove it), so the mom stuck one of these recorders in the kid's backpack, and they actually got proof the other kid was bullying him. It's something to keep in mind. Maybe you could use this somehow.


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## sandc

LanieB said:


> This is exactly what I was just thinking. (since I am a recording queen now) Recording the phonecalls might be all you need to do, but when I was ordering my flash drive voice recorder, I read some of the reviews on it. There was one where a kid was being bullied at school, and no one believed him (they couldn't prove it), so the mom stuck one of these recorders in the kid's backpack, and they actually got proof the other kid was bullying him. It's something to keep in mind. Maybe you could use this somehow.


Could you post or PM the model of recorder you bought?


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## LanieB

sandc said:


> Could you post or PM the model of recorder you bought?


If anyone is interested, I can PM the details.


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## CharlieParker

EnjoliWoman said:


> to record her *calls*


Can you elaborate? How? Sounds like you recorded phone calls, unlike a VAR or Lanie's always on recorder. Is there an app for that?


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## familyfirst09

CharlieParker said:


> Can you elaborate? How? Sounds like you recorded phone calls, unlike a VAR or Lanie's always on recorder. Is there an app for that?



Yes how would I record a phone call? I have a blackberry and it has a voice recorder on it but it shuts off as soon as I make a phone call.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

OH, mine was on a land line. He would call her every night and talk for over a half hour and all she would say was monosyllabic words. He was instructing her and/or reminding her of previous discussions/plans/instructions. So mine was a normal microcassette plugged into the phone jack. I had consulted my attorney (this was after he filed for emergency temporary custody when I'd had custody for years) and she did some case law research on it and told me there was some case law to back up a parent who can give consent on behalf/as a representative of the minor child. But that's US case law.

I'm sure there are some techies on here who know if there's a way to put a recorder into the mic jack on your BB.


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## Morgiana

You need to get an external recorder with a headphone mic.

Amazon.com : Sony Digital Flash Voice Recorder, Black : Digital Voice Recorders : Electronics

Amazon.com: Sony ECMTL3 Earphone Style Microphone for Digital Imaging Products: Camera & Photo


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## CharlieParker

Landline, doh. 

I only quickly googled, Call Recorder for BlackBerry - BlackBerry World


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## familyfirst09

Thanks, I will check those out. I called her this morning and she is "okay". But I'm sure she is fine, said something about tramp's parents coming for a visit, how sweet (insert eye roll). She asked if she could call me later (ex was in the background per usual). I told her of course!! I do wish that she would have at least one good full weekend and didn't feel the need to call me. I don't mind in the very least of course but if she doesn't call it means she is having fun. I think there's been one maybe two weekends where she hasn't called. 

Hopefully it will improve with the warmer weather slowly coming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

Oh and welcome Morgiana!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika

Hey FF, how is your Daughter today? Have you talked with her since yesterday?


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## familyfirst09

drerio said:


> Hey FF, how is your Daughter today? Have you talked with her since yesterday?



Yep, she's good. I just posted an update right before you I think!! She's eager to come home but she seems good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

How is my favorite NATURAL blonde Canadian, eh?

Grope hug!


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## familyfirst09

I guess I'm doing good eh? Haven't posted here in almost a week and a half!! That's gotta be a new record for me!!

Got D a new scooter, put it together all by myself (yay me). Was supposed to go away this weekend but my friend I was talking about earlier backed out (I think I said that already) so I'm either gonna go alone or just have an alone weekend, no plans to do anything and I don't want to either. I need some solitude for a change. I'm tired and overworked, I need a break 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Do they have day spa up there? Maybe you could go for a nice massage and facial and do all that of girly stuff.


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## familyfirst09

They do but it's expensive as hell. That is an awesome idea. I should see what's closer to home for a facial and a mani. 

I'm also going to do a frenchies run!! (second hand stores).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> I guess I'm doing good eh? Haven't posted here in almost a week and a half!! That's gotta be a new record for me!!
> 
> Got D a new scooter, put it together all by myself (yay me). Was supposed to go away this weekend but my friend I was talking about earlier backed out (I think I said that already) so I'm either gonna go alone or just have an alone weekend, no plans to do anything and I don't want to either. I need some solitude for a change. I'm tired and overworked, I need a break
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Every once in awhile, it's helpful to look back 6 months to a year.

There were times I didn't think I would EVER read the above from you.

"I need some solitude"

Really now?

Excuse me while I stand and applaud.


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## familyfirst09

I know isn't it awesome?? Lol. I used to enjoy my alone time before dday, but then afterwards I was so afraid of being alone (still am sometimes). But now, I dunno, I feel much calmer inside than before, I guess I have finally adjusted and I have new plans for my life going forward and they are actually coming together. Slowly but surely. 

I think the biggest thing I've learned recently (from you and Z) is watching what people do and not what they say...observing...it has really stuck in my brain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> I know isn't it awesome?? Lol. I used to enjoy my alone time before dday, but then afterwards I was so afraid of being alone (still am sometimes). But now, I dunno, I feel much calmer inside than before, I guess I have finally adjusted and I have new plans for my life going forward and they are actually coming together. Slowly but surely.
> 
> I think the biggest thing I've learned recently (from you and Z) is watching what people do and not what they say...observing...it has really stuck in my brain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you do that, people rarely let you down.

They behave in ways that are consistent with how they WILL behave.

That's the key to the whole thing.


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## familyfirst09

Yeah I get that now. Like my friend who is friends with ex and tramp - she will send me emails and say she missed me and D, wants to get together, etc...but then nothing...no invites, no phone calls, nothing. the email doesn't mean jack sh*t unless she backs it up with an invite. Actions speak louder than words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

I'm happy to hear things are going so well for you, FF! (even though your friend bailed on the trip) You're in a great state of mind now. Pretty nice feeling, right?! 

I plan to go to an antique mall sometime between now and Friday. I was planning to go today (and still might), but I'm not feeling well. I may suck it up and go anyway. This particular place is having an art display/sale (oil on canvas - available to buy). I love bright, bold, colorful paintings.


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## familyfirst09

Oh that sounds like so much fun!! I haven't done that in eons. The frenchies run is usually just for clothes but a few of the stores have other things as well and I always look at the household stuff. 

I have this 5 piece painting, it's a huge red rose in sections with a black background for my living room. I have to get it mounted (canvass) so I can hang it up. Spring this year for me will be all about painting and decorating (as cheaply as possible lol). I love going to yard sales and the second hand stores, sometimes you find amazing deals!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

Funny enough, I just got an email from my friend who backed out of our trip and haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks (since she backed out of the saint Patricks dance). Said she's going thru some stuff with her daughter and it's been a bad few weeks. I know her daughter is having some major depression/anxiety issues so I will not fault her for that. I just don't know if this is the victim chair talking and just wants someone to listen or if she is genuinely reaching out. I will give her the benefit of the doubt for now and see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh that sounds like so much fun!! I haven't done that in eons. The frenchies run is usually just for clothes but a few of the stores have other things as well and I always look at the household stuff.
> 
> I have this 5 piece painting, it's a huge red rose in sections with a black background for my living room. I have to get it mounted (canvass) so I can hang it up. Spring this year for me will be all about painting and decorating (as cheaply as possible lol). I love going to yard sales and the second hand stores, sometimes you find amazing deals!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm actually looking forward to decorating a new place also! I love to do it. Once I finished this house, I was bored! 

One of my friends has a really nice consignment store (clothes). I take all our stuff there (the good stuff), and I've made a bit of money. Plus, I've bought some really cute stuff there for pretty cheap. I love cheap!


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## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> Funny enough, I just got an email from my friend who backed out of our trip and haven't heard from her in almost 2 weeks (since she backed out of the saint Patricks dance). Said she's going thru some stuff with her daughter and it's been a bad few weeks. I know her daughter is having some major depression/anxiety issues so I will not fault her for that. I just don't know if this is the victim chair talking and just wants someone to listen or if she is genuinely reaching out. I will give her the benefit of the doubt for now and see what happens.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's nice of you to give her a pass for that situation, as long as it's for real. But I really don't like people who make plans with you and then always cancel.


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## familyfirst09

I don't like it either but I know she is struggling with her daughter. However, so far the emails have been "life is miserable...one thing after another...I may kill myself..." so I'm thinking this is her just wanting someone to listen. 

My response "you need professional help to deal with this. You can't live your life miserable. You have to try and look for the positives because there is in every situation. That's how I want to live my life. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or act like a victim". She hasn't responded so I'm hoping she gets the hint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LanieB

familyfirst09 said:


> I don't like it either but I know she is struggling with her daughter. However, so far the emails have been "life is miserable...one thing after another...I may kill myself..." so I'm thinking this is her just wanting someone to listen.
> 
> My response "you need professional help to deal with this. You can't live your life miserable. You have to try and look for the positives because there is in every situation. That's how I want to live my life. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or act like a victim". She hasn't responded so I'm hoping she gets the hint.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's probably the best advice and response you could give her. YOU certainly can't make her happy, and all she is doing is bringing you down. No one likes a negative person - - not even another negative person! 

Debbie Downer Noise - YouTube


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## familyfirst09

That's about the only thing I can say at this point. If she acts this way then there is no way she is going to be able to help her daughter. And really she wasn't even referring to the issues with her daughter, she was talking about herself!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Yep. This is not the same woman as a year ago.

This woman is f'ing awesome.


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## familyfirst09

Ha, thank you. But I'm not. I'm still muddling thru, altho the "mud" isn't as deep as it used to be. I'm still trying to figure out how to go forward with some things, like friends and dating, but otherwise, I at least feel pretty damn good!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Ha! F-ing awesome.


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## familyfirst09

Totally dude...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> Totally dude...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's the medication.  I love you man! Uh... WOman! Come here, let me give you an uncomfortably long hug! Then you can pour me onto the couch.


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## Conrad

familyfirst09 said:


> That's about the only thing I can say at this point. If she acts this way then there is no way she is going to be able to help her daughter. And really she wasn't even referring to the issues with her daughter, she was talking about herself!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, yes, she was.

Perhaps you should start your own advice board?


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## familyfirst09

Haha, not a chance!! I just repeat what you guys tell me!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

This thread is uplifting.


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## familyfirst09

doubletrouble said:


> This thread is uplifting.



Why? Lol. Because it's so incredibly boring?? Lol. I've just been sharing my ridiculousness on other threads lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

No, because you seem to have found a balance within you. Something I always tell people to try to find, yet few report on it. Maybe few find it. You seem to have.


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## familyfirst09

Well I definitely have gotten better at balance AND boundaries and I don't plan on leaving TAM anytime soon, I would miss everyone way too much!!

I have been a bit "she'll shocked" at a new potential relationship starting up - it's very early but there's a spark I have not felt in a very long time and have to say it's scary as hell!! I lost my sh*t for a second over on the singles thread lol but I'm okay now. I had to take a step back and think about how to handle this. I like my life and I like the progress I'm making. If this progresses, then great but if it doesn't then I'm okay as well. I want someone to compliment my life, not BE my life. I did that once I won't do it again. 

Ex is kicking up a stink about child support lol. Seriously he barely pays anything. I told him to GFY and talk to maintenance enforcement if he got a problem with it. I'm not dealing with that crap. 

I joined two baseball leagues!! So I will be playing baseball twice a week this summer, super excited about that!!

When it comes to this guy, or any guy for that matter, I want to make sure they do not "need" to be all of my life because I like having "balance". I have my daughter, my home, my work, my family, my friends, my hobbies. Whoever comes into my life will be part of all that and I will compromise to make room in my life for someone who cares and respects me. I guess I'm trying to say this to myself not sure it's coming out right lol. Life is about balance!! I'm not going to give up the things I already have in my life and the things I enjoy just to "keep" someone in my life. A partner is a want not a NEED. I needed to remember that when I was trying to save my marriage and was hoping my husband would come back. I need to remember this now as I meet new people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble

FF, you just proved my point about your balance with that last post.


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## Damselfish

FF,

I love reading your posts and others who have done this and remain strong. I am such the opposite right now, floundering like a fish out of water...

Thanks and keep inspiring!


DF


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## sandc

FF, I was so proud to read what you wrote! You are finally getting to that point I've been talking about from the start where I said "you need to learn to live with yourself before you can live with anyone else." This is it! This is where I was advising you to go before you start seeing men again. If you'll recall I said you might even learn to like yourself. Well... how do you like you so far?


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## familyfirst09

Damselfish said:


> FF,
> 
> I love reading your posts and others who have done this and remain strong. I am such the opposite right now, floundering like a fish out of water...
> 
> Thanks and keep inspiring!
> 
> 
> DF



Awwww I love hearing this! Thanks!!! Honestly I am sure I was where you were at some point, I'm a stubborn old goat and hung on a looooooooooong time lol. You really just need to believe it does get better and easier and BETTER!! Yes I said that twice on purpose!!!

Feel free to vent and chat here!! Welcome!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09

sandc said:


> FF, I was so proud to read what you wrote! You are finally getting to that point I've been talking about from the start where I said "you need to learn to live with yourself before you can live with anyone else." This is it! This is where I was advising you to go before you start seeing men again. If you'll recall I said you might even learn to like yourself. Well... how do you like you so far?



I know, I'm finally listening!! Something clicked after I met this guy...I truly don't want a guy to BE my world again. never ever again. 

There's still some things about "me" I don't like but hey we all have faults right? I'm a work in progress and always will be. And I wasn't actually looking for "a guy" he just happened to come along, maybe at the right time, I dunno, only time will tell. But right now I am going to enjoy my daughter, my job, my friends, my family, my hobbies, AND this little bit of new excitement in my life 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

familyfirst09 said:


> I know, I'm finally listening!! Something clicked after I met this guy...I truly don't want a guy to BE my world again. never ever again.
> 
> There's still some things about "me" I don't like but hey we all have faults right? I'm a work in progress and always will be. And I wasn't actually looking for "a guy" he just happened to come along, maybe at the right time, I dunno, only time will tell. But right now I am going to enjoy my daughter, my job, my friends, my family, my hobbies, AND this little bit of new excitement in my life
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And more importantly...

*I was right!* :yay:


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## Oldfaithful

Your inbox is full.


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## familyfirst09

Inbox is clean


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## rush

familyfirst09 said:


> Inbox is clean


I could fill it up


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## familyfirst09

Geez I'm neglectful 
Well I guess no news is good news right?
A Lot has happened over the past while, I think most people know my mum passed away 2 weeks ago (thanks for the thoughts and prayers) so that's been a bit of a roller coaster but like everything else we make our way thru. 

D was pretty good with it, very sad to lose her nanny. My mum was my rock when DDAY hit, I didn't talk about it much on my original thread but I remember this one time I was driving to go pick D up, this was shortly after he moved out and in with tramp. I was a mess. I started bawling, had to pull over to the side of the road cause I couldn't drive. And here I was supposed to be going to pick up my kid. So what did I do - I called my mom. I may have been 39 but I still called my mom first when I was in need. 

I told her I couldn't do it, I was gonna die, I was a total drama queen. And you know what she told me - she told me to suck it up!! Talk about a 2x4 IRL lol. She told me there was nothing I could do now but take care of D so I needed to suck it up, get rid of the tears and go take care of my kid because that's what a mom does. And that's what I did. And that's what my mom did for me 

Both ex and his mother sent me a note when mom passed saying if I needed anything at all to let them know, which I thought was nice and they both attended the funeral which was respectful. I was exhausted after a week so I asked them both if either could take D for a night - they both said no, lol. Pretty easy to say the words but harder to follow thru I guess lol. 

I was "seeing" someone new the past 2 months...he has turned out to be a jackass so that's the end of that. no great loss, I find my gaurd is still up somewhat. Its a bit disappointing cause he seemed like a good stand up guy. Ah well. 

My budget is doing good (not great), my puppies are doing great, D is doing good (still struggling somewhat with ex but we are making our way thru) and I'm getting to the gym still regularly. Eating habits aren't great so have to work on that. 

So that's my update. Geez I sound so boring eh?? Maybe I should make up a few things about belts being tied to my bed, or all the men ogling me...lol, nah, not my style 

Happy almost Friday everyone 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Grope hugs, FF.


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## doubletrouble

Not boring at all. Sounds like life is happening. At least you're still healthy, you're learning new things (what life is all about) and you still have this great head on your shoulders. Be proud of who you are.


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## familyfirst09

What's really funny that just dawned on me is yesterday would have been our anniversary...17 years...wowzers and I forgot all about it!! I knew it was coming beforehand but yesterday I didn't even think about it. 

Now that says something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc

Very good Grasshopper. You may leave the temple.


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## familyfirst09

Lol, I'd probably burn in hell if I entered it! Ha! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rush

I really doubt that......


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