# R U SERIOUS!? TMI I didn't want.



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

So my bf and I have been doing well lately, so I thought/felt...until today when I went on myspace and found out that the girl that he was cheating on me with has signed up under an anonymous first name and his last name...he told her I was on facebook where I obtained alot of her information and her profile is now hidden or removed. It is like he tells her these things to keep her from using these avenues/protecting her. I don't know what to do now...I can't continue to do this and I am not sure why enough is not enough for me.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

R U SERIOUS? He is your boyfriend, instead of venting about this or letting it get the best of you, get out of this relationship.

It makes me so sad to think how serious we take every relationship before marriage that we lose time trying to fix things instead of realizing that maybe you just arent right together. Doesnt mean anything is wrong with you or wrong with him, just that the 2 of you arent right together. If he is cheating on you... he's just not that into you. Get the book, read it, learn it, live it and you may end up finding the right person to be with for the rest of your life.

Good luck!


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

he is actually my fiance and I have actually told him the same thing. I have let him know that just because we have love for each other does not mean that we have to be married or even in a relationship together...but apparently for men/or at least for him it is all or nothing...and he wants all--cause he knows i am a good women with a lot of love to give. 

I already know going into a marriage with this type of baggage is not promising; which is why I have halted the wedding/plans/engagement (why reference as bf) etc. already feel it is doomed to fail. not every relationship has infidelity especially before marriage...so why would i settle for one that does...


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

part of my issue with this, is that you can not control other people. I confronted him about this issue and I honestly believe that he did not even know about this. There does not seem to be any communication between them on this account, it looks like she just made it up and never did anything with it (no friends or anything on there and last log it was a day after she established the account)...but my issue is that she felt that close to him to do something like that. am I crazy? is she? did he lead her to believe that it could be more than an affair? this is when all my questions start all over again in a different direction...almost like he can truly not win no matter what route he takes.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

last thought, is when people say they want to look for information/through information etc. this is what I am talking about. I was doing so well in not going through his stuff and not researching stuff...had I not entered her information into the search screen I would have been fine, but I did and now I have an issue that is really not even an issue. Two thoughts to that: 1. I wish I hadn't done it and just let things lie but 2. this is what I don't want to find out in the future to make me feel more foolish for going through the stuff I am going through now....catch 22.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Number one rule, don't ask if you don't want the real answer and that includes searching for the information. I asked a lot of questions but I did want the truth. I was prepared for the truth to hurt and it did. But that is me. My H is the opposite, if it were reversed he'd just want to know the facts and pretty much that would be it happened, its over, that's all I want to know. I want to know what he said to her, did he make her believe they had a future, what about our kids, etc etc etc. Not everyone wants the answers, so only ask for/look for the information you are prepared to deal with. 

Choose2love has a really good point! 

To be honest with you, if I caught my H in an affair years ago even after marriage, but before our kids. No way would I continue the marriage. I don't mean to say I worked it out for them, but I had more invested. We moved out of state, and my first thought was, I want to go "home" and be with people who love me. I would have disappeared if it was about 15 years ago. But I'm all grown up now, can't do that BUT you can.

You fear he was protecting her, I learned one thing, trust your gut. 

Do you live with him? If so, why don't you move out for awhile, be on your own and just think. No rush here, so good you called off the wedding.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I am always ready for the truth...and I think he is telling me the truth about this. In regards to her doing it...I suspected she probably had a myspace account etc., but I never expected that it would be with his last name. Him protecting her, I believe has stopped...it was more when they were in the A. But I have written alot in my journal and I have hit him in the heart a few times....idk what will happen from here and I know everyone says turn and run (too soon for such drama)...I say the same thing to myself, but for some reason, I do believe he is better than all of this and if we can get past this, we will be better for it. We will see, only time will tell and I think the energy is running low for both of us at this point...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's nothing wrong with installing a keylogger and checking up on a partner who has had an affair, say, once every 6 months. That way, if it's clean, you can spend the next six months not agonizing like this.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

1. i am trying to resolve myself to the fact that if I feel I have to go through those lengths, then I can not trust him and don't need to be with him (cause later there will always be something else to lie about). I am trying to learn to trust him (now that we are communicating more freely than before)

2. it's not worth it anyway, cause he uses his phone and other computers anyway...he does not use our home computer (I think he already suspects something like that anyway because he does not know how I obtained the information that I do have)...

We had a bad night last night and he is beginning to distance himself now....(to me) it feels like he is starting at the begining of the end for him...I guess only time will tell (how ever much time we allow for this to go on like this). I may have beat him down one too many times for him...(he feels it is the same thing day in and day out-he does not tend to give me credit for all the time that I do not say anything and/or we just enjoy our time together)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

christmaslady can I tell you something encouraging? You would never know it, but in the course of my life, I was cheated on (and it ended my first marriage because he would not end the affair) and I have been the cheater--and if *I* can cheat then anyone is vulnerable! So I'm not without sin and I understand both sides...not just "clinically."

Here's the difference though. When the doodoo hits the oscillator, a disloyal spouse that is truly in no contact and working to repair the marriage would accept that they don't deserve trust and be more than willing to have their spouse "check" on them in whatever way made the spouse feel safe. 

For me, my Dear Hubby is a PC-wizard and we agreed that he can install stuff whenever he wants. We agreed to have our screens face each other so that we both see 100% of the time everything the other is doing on the computer. He has all of my passwords (and I have his) and when we sign up somewhere new we tell each other first. We tend to go onto sites together and work together. And he is 100% free to always do whatever he feels he needs to in order to feel safe because I get it--I messed up and deserve watching, and he's worth that price. Further, I'm not in any contact EVER! So he can snoop all he wants and won't run into a little trigger bomb. 

Can you see the difference?


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