# Never imagined how much this would hurt



## new_start30 (Jun 27, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for over a decade, married for most of it and we're very blessed with 3 beautiful children. By all means we are living the American Dream...on the outside, anyway. Realistically our marriage has been filled with his multiple emotional affairs and other issues. We got married very young and over the past few years our sex life took a turn for the worse (basically became non-existent) when he confessed that he was no longer attracted to me in that way, that I could no longer "light his fire" and that he never realized how monotonous monogamy would be. Needless to say I was very hurt and offended, but I did everything within my power to turn things around, but he basically shut me down saying there was no use b/c "as much as he loves spaghetti, he doesn't want it for dinner every night" (an analogy to having sex w/ only me). He went on to say the much overused phrase that he loves me but was not in love with me, but because I was a good mother, otherwise good wife, and he couldn't imagine any other man in our kids lives he wanted to stay together and just "deny himself" sexual pleasure. Foolishly, I agreed to this b/c our children adore him and I never wanted them to come from a broken home. Well over the years, sex and all intimacy has dwindled down to maybe three to four encounters a year and he's had multiple emotional affairs which he claims never became physical (who knows?). After the most recent incident of finding text messages btwn him and a co-worker where he asks her to meet him b/c he "just wants the pleasure of laying his eyes on her" I knew I was done...I walk past him fully nude and he doesn't bat an eye, yet he's begging another woman for a glimpse of her...it was the straw that broke the camels back. Of course he's asked to work things out and the kids are distraught, but my mind is made up...I'm done. We've gone to counseling in the past, talked to other couples, gone to church, etc...and nothing has helped...I will forever be spaghetti in his eyes. The only thing that surprises me is how hard I'm grieving over him and he's not even physically gone yet...I've been crying virtually non-stop since the decision was made a few days ago and it literally feels like someone has died. I've heard that before, but never imagined that to be true. I've known him since I was a teenager and I've been with him all of my twenties and we're now in our early thirties...he's the only man I know and despite our issues, in many ways we're like family. I know this is for the best and I'll land on my feet in the end, but right now it hurts like hell!!!

(Just needed to get that out in a safe place...thanks for reading)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yes you will. That's what we do...land on our feet and move forward. I am sorry you are hurting, been there and done that. At least your H gave you something...mine ran away like a thief in the night, but it was actually while I was at work ;o( Know that you are not alone in any of this. The very best to you always.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Newstart so sorry to hear your story, but it seems that you have had a pretty rough ride of late, and it must have been very hurtful. I don't think I could have stood that amount of rejection for long, it really hurts.

At least you have made the decision yourself now and that gives you some control for the future. It will hurt lots and you will have some really bad days and you will miss him.

I am 8 weeks into separation, I kicked husband out after another emotionall/physical affair. I had an awful day last Monday cried for about 6 hours virtually non stop, but then had 4 better days, followed by a not great weekend. Keep posting on here, it certainly helps and there is lots of understanding and support! You will get through it.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I can so relate to you saying he is the only man you have been with and he is like family. My H & I were married 31 years, together 33 so it is definetely hard. It is like losing one of my children and ironicaly he always told me I treated him like a kid.

I will follow your story, I have no words of wisdom as I am fumbling through this myself - 8 weeks seperated and it hurts like it was yesterday. Like Reindeer said, some days are better than others. Yesterday was an exceptionally bad one.

Stay strong and keep posting and reading. There is definetely a lot of great advice and as I can read a lot of it is spot on.

Sorry you are going thru what we all are. It hurts like hell.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Don't be sad. Get angry. What kind of asshat tells his wife she's just spaghetti. 

His loss. Your entering that phase of your life where, IMO, women become the absolutely most sexy creatures ever! Mature, beautiful, strong, determined. 

If he can't appreciate that one bit, it's time to find someone that absolutely will, and will eat up all your sexy like cake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I went through my mother's death, and this, and I'll tell you: I'd rather go through my mother's death again. I didn't know you could hurt this much and still be alive. There are so many things you lose: Your family as you knew it, your husband/wife, your best friend. That's a lot of grieving to do and a lot of losses. Allow yourself time to grieve. 

I feel like this has been my reality for years, but it's only been two months. They say it gets better. I'm hanging on that hope.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are making the right decision. You should have left him a long time ago but that is neither here nor there.

He doesn't respect you and has told you repeatedly he wants to be with other women.

Do get tested for STDs. 

I would file child support and divorce and be done with him. You deserve to be happy and he isn't where it's at.

I know how hard it can be imagining a life without someone you've been with for a long time but while the unknown is scary, staying in your situation is doing more bad than good. Get your children out of that environment. They will grow up thinking it's ok to be cheat all the time with multiple people in a marriage if you stay. 

Life does go on and it does get better.

Promise.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi New Start,

I can relate to a lot of your story. I tried to be okay with my husband's affairs, to be nice and accommodating in order to keep our little family intact for our daughter, and for financial reasons.

Finally after two years I had to give it up. I realized that staying with that man was far worse for me than facing the unknown and leaving him. 

I will be a single mother on a tight budget. Finances are in shambles. But I would rather deal with that now than continue with the nightmare that living with my husband became.

Start taking those baby steps toward freedom. Best of luck to you.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through that crap. His loss!! When he realizes he wants spaghetti he's going to realize that ship has long sailed.

Most of us are in a lot of pain in this forum. It helps a lot-well it helps me a lot. I feel really alone in my life except when I'm here.


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## new_start30 (Jun 27, 2011)

Thanks everyone for your responses, it really helps to know that i'm not alone. Today was a very weird day...he's been packing all of his things to leave and I've basically tried to avoid him. Finally this afternoon he came to me on bended knee saying that he was so sorry and would do anything to have me back, he can't imagine being with anyone except me, but he's just bored with our marriage but wants to make things right. Through my tears I told him that I did love him too, but I love myself more and it's high time for me to be loved, cherished, and above all respected. I'm only 31 years old and I have my entire life ahead of me...I refuse to spend it tied to someone that can't see my worth. He said he understood but suddenly wants to "fight for the family" I believe it's just fear on his side as well b/c of the familiarity and comforts that come with our life/lifestyle...I know this will be hard, but I'm just going to continue to take it one day at a time...although I dread seeing our home void of all of his things, that will make it so real. Regarding STD's, I'm clear and so is he...he's always maintained he was never physical w/ another woman but I demanded testing anyway and always get checked out w/ my annual exam...we haven't had intercourse since then...thank goodness!! Thanks again everyone for reading.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

You are VERY strong!! Damn woman, you should be very proud of yourself.


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