# Update



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

We finally talked about the elephant in the room.

Summary:

He will not go to therapy or read a book "right now," until or unless eventually he "feels accepted" by me. 
Because I'm just "trying to fix him." 
So "maybe" eventually, after I show that I am accepting of him, he'll consider it.
On the other hand, "if eventually I'm more accepting of him, then he won't need the therapy."
I told him therapy helps me. He said "what works for you isn't going to work for me."
Being "accepting of him" means accepting all of these hurtful and destructive behaviors once in awhile. 
I told him I cannot and will not accept his overreactive temper to the level of snapping, yelling, and cussing at the drop of a hat.
He is deeply offended that there's something I "cannot accept."
That's my problem to deal with.
I told him, "Yes. I deal with it, by distancing from you. and if it continues, I'll deal with it by leaving."
I am somehow wrong for having expectations for this marriage and being willing to walk out on the commitment if he's not willing to meet me halfway or take responsibility for his anger and loss of temper.
If I want to walk out the door, that's my choice. The idea that our marriage is at stake is not waking him up to DO something at this point.
His idea of marriage means "putting up with years of each other's crap in the hopes that eventually, we finally learn from each other and grow." 
On the other hand, he's "sick of putting up with the same old crap from me" so that's why he's reacting so strongly to every tiny little thing. It's "like a sunburn" and he's ultra-sensitive.
He can tell I've been distant in the past month. Distance is "the lesser of two evils," not as bad as arguing.
The third alternative? Happy connection? He can't find it in himself to extend that to me. If I'm distant after one of his tantrums, that's my "fault" and my problem.

The other night, he "felt deficient" when I said something that would make a secure adult feel loved.
When I distanced after his big fit a month ago, he "felt alone," probably rejected, confused, and hurt.
ALL of those feelings show up as anger, defensiveness, and attacks.

I can see his point in the following:

He doesn't want to be "fixed."
He wants to feel accepted.
Being told to go to counseling threatens this, in his mind.

All the negative projections and nastiness come from his own insecurities.

He's giving me very little reason to want to stay with him.
BUT I'm biding my time, and I'm playing my cards right.

Two reasons why:

1. Over time, the gravity of this may sink in and he may temper his ****-like behavior.
I'm still playing it cool and WILL continue to stand by my boundaries, as I've been practicing. "I feel not accepted when you scream and yell at me. I feel unappreciated when I'm doing things in our home and you come home and yell about the lights." yadda yadda 
If he wants to piss on it, that won't make me cower.
2. My church does not make it easy to end a marriage. Once a civil divorce is granted, both spouses have to stand before an ecclesiastical court, review all their crap, and prove that "all measures were taken to preserve the marriage," including pastoral counseling, professional counseling, blah blah blah. 
He's rejecting those measures. 
If he wants to continually reject them for enough time to "prove" that a divorce is justified, he's writing our ticket out, and he will only make that inevitable process easier. 
BTW, he is well aware of our church's process.
(And leaving the church is not an option.)

So there it is.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Why is leaving the church not an option?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Why is leaving the church not an option?


Because it's my life.

The church at large, not the local building/establishment where we had our wedding.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Is it his life as well and something he wants? 

I would be peeved if my SO was deciding I had to try counseling or was on the path to auto fail so figured I'd ask. I'm guessing it's been a large part of both your lives or you wouldn't have ended up together.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You have indicated that you will not accept the anger. And eventually will leave. Have you asked him how HE thinks this can be resolved?

I can accept much about you. Anger, yelling and snapping are not among them. What do YOU think we can do about this?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I'd call this a mixed bag.

Clearly, he is starting to see the impact his blowups are having on you. That's a good thing.

But, it's a bad thing that he's blameshifting.

I'd say very little going forward and continue to distance yourself and detach when he starts up.

This is effective in having the other person see their overreaction.

It won't hurt you to give him six straight months of that - with no favorite flavor.

It will either help him see himself or drive him completely over the edge.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm struggling to find words for you right now but just know that I said those very same things to my own husband. Yes I wanted him to accept and love me as I was but now I know that is BS. How the hell was he supposed to love a porcupine (his word not mine - I'd probably pick something worse to describe my angry persona). At first I also wouldn't go to therapy as I thought the problem was with him not me. And even when I went I sat there with my arms folded in anger waiting for the counselor to fix HIM. 

I'm sad to say again that it is highly unlikly that he will change without professional help.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Or even with professional help.

My H is going to a counselor. He fully admits his issues. He admits that he's pushed me away. He admits that he's a first class jerk.

He also admits that he doesn't think he wants to change who he is! 

He says we are just plain not good for each other. End of story. I begged for marriage counseling for years before he finally decided to go. Obviously it's not helping....

The saddest part about my whole situation is that I'd take him back. I would change my separation plans and not leave in a month. I would try, yet again, to work out our marriage while trying to deal with his anger issues. I've told him this too. All he has to do is ASK me to stay.

He hasn't. I don't think he's going to.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm struggling to find words for you right now but just know that I said those very same things to my own husband. Yes I wanted him to accept and love me as I was but now I know that is BS. How the hell was he supposed to love a porcupine (his word not mine - I'd probably pick something worse to describe my angry persona). At first I also wouldn't go to therapy as I thought the problem was with him not me. And even when I went I sat there with my arms folded in anger waiting for the counselor to fix HIM.
> 
> I'm sad to say again that it is highly unlikly that he will change without professional help.


Pat yourself on the back, Mag. Many people NEVER realize the truth of their own failings.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Is it his life as well and something he wants?
> 
> I would be peeved if my SO was deciding I had to try counseling or was on the path to auto fail so figured I'd ask. I'm guessing it's been a large part of both your lives or you wouldn't have ended up together.


I really appreciate your input here.

Yes, it's his life too, at least in theory and in public.

He received this information as a threat/attack, and reacted defensively. "You want to leave? Then leave!" 

In the heat of anger.
There were also a lot of contradictions:
"Of COURSE I want to stay married to you and I'll do anything to keep a happy marriage!" ummm...?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> You have indicated that you will not accept the anger. And eventually will leave. Have you asked him how HE thinks this can be resolved?
> 
> I can accept much about you. Anger, yelling and snapping are not among them. What do YOU think we can do about this?


I asked this question.

Here's the answer I got:

"What I'm ALREADY doing!" :scratchhead:

And:

"And MORE!" :scratchhead:

And:

"YOU can stop pushing me when you push me, so I won't react like that!!!" Ah.

He was in the heat of anger when I asked him this. He's not likely to give a helpful answer in that mode.

He is vexed that I would DARE find anything "unacceptable." In his pov, it is an egregious offense against the "marriage commitment" to "refuse to accept" something.

That's where we disconnect.

He proclaimed, "There's nothing about you that I 'can't accept!'" (Actually, his profane overreactions show otherwise. they don't show acceptance of me, IMO.)

But by "accept," he means he can live in a marriage where people scream and cuss in each other's faces whenever the mood strikes, shake it off, and never talk about it.

40 years of snapping, sniping, snarling, and cussing would be just fine and dandy by him. Not by me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> Or even with professional help.
> 
> My H is going to a counselor. He fully admits his issues. He admits that he's pushed me away. He admits that he's a first class jerk.
> 
> ...


Let that be the end of the story, then.

There is someone out there who is better for you.

For starters--YOU. Get to know that person.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm struggling to find words for you right now but just know that I said those very same things to my own husband.


But when he called the question and told you he would leave if you didn't DO something...

you DID something.

My husband told me, "Love it or leave it! THIS will be the rest of your life! If you can't handle it, there's the door!"

Almost verbatim.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> But when he called the question and told you he would leave if you didn't DO something...
> 
> you DID something.
> 
> ...


He MAY sing a different tune if you do actually leave. It is easy to say it, different to do it. But then, if he said that to you, how has he not said loud and clear I don't care enough about you to address your concerns?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I asked this question.
> 
> Here's the answer I got:
> 
> ...


DO you still push him? It does kind of sound like you do.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It won't hurt you to give him six straight months of that - with no favorite flavor.


I guess that's part of what I mean by "biding my time."

BUT...won't it hurt me?

I'm 31 years old. I want to have a family. I can't wait forever.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I'm struggling to find words for you right now but just know that I said those very same things to my own husband. Yes I wanted him to accept and love me as I was but now I know that is BS. How the hell was he supposed to love a porcupine (his word not mine - I'd probably pick something worse to describe my angry persona). At first I also wouldn't go to therapy as I thought the problem was with him not me. And even when I went I sat there with my arms folded in anger waiting for the counselor to fix HIM.
> 
> I'm sad to say again that it is highly unlikly that he will change without professional help.


OMG...my daughter right now is like trying to love a porcupine.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> He MAY sing a different tune if you do actually leave. It is easy to say it, different to do it. But then, if he said that to you, how has he not said loud and clear I don't care enough about you to address your concerns?


Yes.

One of his big things is: "Words are just words! Just because I say it, doesn't mean it's true or I mean it!"

So if he actually SAW me packing up and leaving, he might respond differently.

But yes, both his actions AND his words have told me "I don't care enough about you to address your concerns."

Both parts of what you're saying have already occurred to me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

If you want kids then yes it absolutely WILL hurt you. You are on borrowed time. You've got what 9-10 years maybe? Tick tock tick tock. Don't wait too long. And you know you can't have kids with this man.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> OMG...my daughter right now is like trying to love a porcupine.


And yet you give her everything she desires. I don't get that part....


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Let that be the end of the story, then.
> 
> There is someone out there who is better for you.
> 
> For starters--YOU. Get to know that person.


But that's kinda my point here too. YOU deserve it as well! I don't know all your back story....ie, how long you have been married, but me and mine have been playing this "game" for years now and nothing has changed. I've lost so much of myself in the process it's going to be hard to get her back. 

Your situation hits so close to home, and my heart goes out to you or anyone in it!


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Have you nailed down the logistics of separating? It's possible that presenting a plan and trying to negotiate a separation "if the marital issues persist" might knock some sense into him. You're dealing with a very stubborn man, though.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> DO you still push him? It does kind of sound like you do.


Yes, I guess I do what he calls "pushing" him.

But...

Just as he feels "pushed" to overreact, I might not "push" if I wasn't receiving something from him. When I "push," I'm responding to the energy he's sending.

I'm not "blaming him." I'm just implying that maybe we're not right for each other.

Maybe with someone else, I wouldn't feel the need to repeat myself.
Maybe someone else wouldn't see me through such a negative lens.

Sometimes "pushing" is just me being myself.

"I don't feel accepted by you when you threaten/yell because I xyz."

Lately, "not pushing" means walking on freakin' eggshells.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> If you want kids then yes it absolutely WILL hurt you. You are on borrowed time. You've got what 9-10 years maybe? Tick tock tick tock. Don't wait too long. And you know you can't have kids with this man.


Yikes.

Good thing I'm cute and healthy!


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Lately, "not pushing" means walking on freakin' eggshells.


And that's not fair to you.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yikes.
> 
> Good thing I'm cute and healthy!


Healthy won't beat a biological clock but cute will definately get you another man easily.  

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't have worried. At 31 I still would have had time to find another guy, marry and have a couple of kids. I'm 45 so my perspective is now different from yours. I'm like YIKES time flies. LOL!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Have you nailed down the logistics of separating? It's possible that presenting a plan and trying to negotiate a separation "if the marital issues persist" might knock some sense into him.


I'm getting there. 

That was part of why I started to research the church divorce thing. 

I hate to put it in these terms, but I'll need to have a good "case." 

With a little more time following Conrad's advice (as well as I can, and maybe not for 6 months), I'll let him do whatever he's going to do, or not do.

He knows the consequences of his outbursts is that I'll distance.

He is free to keep bursting out. When he does, I'll keep standing up for my boundaries, possibly offer more opportunities and ways we can work on it, ask him what he's willing to do...and he'll be free to reject those opportunities and show his willingness to do nothing.

And then I'll do what I need to do.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> And yet you give her everything she desires. I don't get that part....


It isn't that black and white, she isn't neurotypical, she has issues, a pervasive learning disability, and right at the moment severe anxiety and depression. And no she doesn't get even CLOSE to everything she desires.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

TemperToo said:


> And that's not fair to you.


I really hate that too


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> And that's not fair to you.


Absolutely not.

I read your other reply. 

I'm working up to it. I did and do take my marriage commitment seriously. I'm not ready to walk yet. 

But when I do, I will NOT look back. I deserve better than this.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> If I were in your shoes I wouldn't have worried. At 31 I still would have had time to find another guy, marry and have a couple of kids.


Thank you, that makes me feel better!

I know there are many good and decent men out there, and if I get back into the "market," I know I'll be looking for a helluva different "laundry list" of traits for a husband and future father! Maybe this karma train ride was just what I needed to learn to appreciate the GOOD things in the "nice guys" I always rejected before I met and married my husband. 

Yes, my friends, you may want to tell me it sounds like I've already checked out. I'm just preparing, this is part of it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> It isn't that black and white, she isn't neurotypical, she has issues, a pervasive learning disability, and right at the moment severe anxiety and depression. And no she doesn't get even CLOSE to everything she desires.


I can relate to this. My two older kids (verdict is still out on my youngest) inherited and learned some anxiety and depression tendencies from me. Sometimes they are hard to get close to as well. My middle daughter (8) clams up and pulls away. My oldest (10) falls apart if you look at him the wrong way. He's in counseling now. It's hard and even harder for me knowing I've contributed to it.

Sorry creda for the hijack but here is the reason why you can't have kids with this man. I've messed up not only my marriage but my kids as well. Granted I'm working hard to fix it but still this is the legacy I've created and it sucks.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I've messed up not only my marriage but my kids as well. Granted I'm working hard to fix it but still this is the legacy I've created and it sucks.


Your kids can be resilient and make huge strides with the help they're getting, and your awareness. You're now giving them the love and support they need, you're doing the right thing for them, and they will grow from the issues that are getting in their way.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I can relate to this. My two older kids (verdict is still out on my youngest) inherited and learned some anxiety and depression tendencies from me. Sometimes they are hard to get close to as well. My middle daughter (8) clams up and pulls away. My oldest (10) falls apart if you look at him the wrong way. He's in counseling now. It's hard and even harder for me knowing I've contributed to it.
> 
> Sorry creda for the hijack but here is the reason why you can't have kids with this man. I've messed up not only my marriage but my kids as well. Granted I'm working hard to fix it but still this is the legacy I've created and it sucks.


My younger two are doing great, my oldest is our issue one-- I mean, partly she cannot help it, but we have to help her help it-- she IS in counseling and she IS a strain on the marriage for sure


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Your husband needs to work on his anger issue for the sake of himself. For some reason he can't or won't see it. It's sad he doesn't realize he needs to rid himself of anger, it is a destroyer of his soul.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

4sure said:


> Your husband needs to work on his anger issue for the sake of himself. For some reason he can't or won't see it. It's sad he doesn't realize he needs to rid himself of anger, it is a destroyer of his soul.


He's in denial that he "has an anger problem."
The other night while he was yelling, I asked "are you happy like this, with this?"
He answered "yes."
it's his "normal." he wants to be highly reactive. It's always worked for him,
it won't work for his marriage.

He also has high blood pressure.
Denial.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thank you, that makes me feel better!
> 
> I know there are many good and decent men out there, and if I get back into the "market," I know I'll be looking for a helluva different "laundry list" of traits for a husband and future father! Maybe this karma train ride was just what I needed to learn to appreciate the GOOD things in the "nice guys" I always rejected before I met and married my husband.
> 
> Yes, my friends, you may want to tell me it sounds like I've already checked out. I'm just preparing, this is part of it.


Thats funny but I rejected nice guys before I met my husband as well. I was always into bad boys. Took some getting used to though. I didn't know how to be in a relationship without drama (and so I created some...aren't I smart? <insert sarcasm here>)

At 31 I still had it so I would have been back in the dating scene quickly. I never lacked in male attention and you are the same. You'd be snapped up fast. No doubt about it!!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Thats funny but I rejected nice guys before I met my husband as well. I was always into bad boys. Took some getting used to though. I didn't know how to be in a relationship without drama (and so I created some...aren't I smart? <insert sarcasm here>)
> 
> At 31 I still had it so I would have been back in the dating scene quickly. I never lacked in male attention and you are the same. You'd be snapped up fast. No doubt about it!!!


I'll be at least 32 before i'm back in the scene.
This might take a little while to play out.
And I'm trying to be practical.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Your kids can be resilient and make huge strides with the help they're getting, and your awareness. You're now giving them the love and support they need, you're doing the right thing for them, and they will grow from the issues that are getting in their way.


Thanks for this. My son (almost 11) is doing really well since starting therapy last Nov. He's making friends now (not as much anxiety), doesn't cry as much, is able to express his needs/wants, etc. I've seen a lot of improvement in him.

My daughter (8) just needs me but I'm burned out and up to my ears in my own marriage problems. Therapy, full-time motherhood plus perimenopause is exhausting!! There is a downside to having kids late in life. So be sure to take care of yourself now so you'll be up for it later. LOL!!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Thanks for this. My son (almost 11) is doing really well since starting therapy last Nov. He's making friends now (not as much anxiety), doesn't cry as much, is able to express his needs/wants, etc. I've seen a lot of improvement in him.
> 
> My daughter (8) just needs me but I'm burned out and up to my ears in my own marriage problems. Therapy, full-time motherhood plus perimenopause is exhausting!! There is a downside to having kids late in life. So be sure to take care of yourself now so you'll be up for it later. LOL!!


Yeah...I've always been one to do things on a delayed timeline.
And i need to stay on top of my health and fitness. 
Easy to let the emotional strain detract from physical health.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's in denial that he "has an anger problem."
> The other night while he was yelling, I asked "are you happy like this, with this?"
> He answered "yes."
> it's his "normal." he wants to be highly reactive. It's always worked for him,
> ...


He thinks he is being assertive, or in charge. These outburst in the past has had others catchin and fetchin, so he has learned to use anger outburst as his control method to get what he wants. Or he may see others reacting, and believes it is respect they are giving him. However; you do not jump and run so he interprets that as disrepect on your part, causing him further anger.

Somewhere in his past he has learned this behavior. He sees it as control, and maybe power. Power can be addictive.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, I guess I do what he calls "pushing" him.
> 
> But...
> 
> Just as he feels "pushed" to overreact, I might not "push" if I wasn't receiving something from him. When I "push," I'm responding to the energy he's sending.


... back to square one. Neither one of you is willing to risk what it REALLY takes to change the dynamic. You both are still working hardest to get for YOU.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> ... back to square one. Neither one of you is willing to risk what it REALLY takes to change the dynamic. You both are still working hardest to get for YOU.


No. Reread.

I was just being self-aware.
If me not "pushing" = me being intimidated into silence, then that's untenable. 

seriously. After 9 months of therapy, I'm consciously getting my irritating behaviors under control.
We are *definitely* not at "square one."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> ... back to square one. Neither one of you is willing to risk what it REALLY takes to change the dynamic. You both are still working hardest to get for YOU.


You definitely have me wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

4sure said:


> He thinks he is being assertive, or in charge. These outburst in the past has had others catchin and fetchin, so he has learned to use anger outburst as his control method to get what he wants. Or he may see others reacting, and believes it is respect they are giving him. However; you do not jump and run so he interprets that as disrepect on your part, causing him further anger.
> 
> Somewhere in his past he has learned this behavior. He sees it as control, and maybe power. Power can be addictive.


Yes, he believes "everything is a power struggle."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> You definitely have me wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I believe you.


Thanks! 
I've tried up one side and down the other.
And tried not to try.
Just still trying to take responsibility for making it good.
But I can only do so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, I guess I do what he calls "pushing" him.
> 
> But...
> 
> ...


In my group today we discussed our reactions to things that happen to us - either actions or words of another.

We OWN our reactions. In our group they teach it as A-B-C.

A = Activating Event (something someone does or says)

B - Behavior - what we think about what someone did or said

C - Consequences - how we choose to act or behave about something someone did or said

No one can MAKE YOU feel a certain way - this is all within your power and control.

You can choose "not to buy into" what is said or done. This makes you non-reactionary and lets you determine whether you want to be stressed out about the event, or not.

Here is a good example:

- My husband was taken off of his Paxil last week (doctor and him feel it's not working).
- Monday - he was rather moody when I got home and appeared to be depressed.
- I decided I didn't want to deal with the moodiness, so I went to bed early.
- Husband came to bed two hours later.
- I had my back to him (he thought I was asleep but he woke me up when he came to bed) and said - I hate you, I hate you, why don't you just die?

I had a few choices here - was he talking to me? was he talking to himself? was he just talking out loud?

My choice was - he's talking to me. I was in control of my reaction - so I decided NOT TO REACT - at all. I could have listened to what was going through my head (OMG - he hates me, he wants me to die, etc.), or I could have ignored it as his state of mind, his TBI issues, etc. I chose to ignore and chalk it up to either his frame of mind that day or that he might have actually been talking out loud to himself (which he does)--point being - I didn't "buy into" what he said - I heard it, but didn't buy it.

I CHOSE to not let what he said affect how I felt. It did not alter my mood, piss me off, make me cry - nothing. I heard it, processed it and dismissed it as nothing that I wanted to react to or be overly concerned about.

I chose for it to be a non-issue.

You don't have to react to or have an input for everything that he says or does. That is YOUR CHOICE. He baits you and expects you to "follow the script" - don't follow it. Choose to rise above it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Good point. Things CAN be a non-issue.

It helps when I'm in a great mood myself.
Oddly, today I really am. I can't figure out why. I woke up feeling good.

So today we were watching CNN. Some facebook thing came on the screen.
I expressed my opinion, he expressed his. I replied--DIDNT ARGUE.

He squared his shoulders in front of me, turned toward me in full fight posture, and stated something in a LOUD, edgy voice, with personal defensiveness.

I looked at him like "wha..?" ("defective spouse look"?)
and said, "why are you yelling at me?"
End of situation. Non-issue. For ME.

But *everything* is an issue for HIM.

I am biding my time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm really proud of myself for being unaffected by his juvenile attitude.
Last night we went out w/friends. 
I was having fun, singing dumb songs with our friends, laughing.

H gave me a "you're dumb, I pity you" look.
Or maybe it was a "please shut up" look. 
I didn't do what I wouldve done in the old days--get on his case about it, or get bugged inside and let it manifest by needling him about something else.
I just kept laughing and singing. Everyone else laughed *with* me, and sang with me.

He doesn't see how he's just as UNaccepting of me as he feels I am of him.

I wish he wasn't content with a disconnected marriage.
It's just ONE of the things that might make it harder for me to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

It feels so much better to make things a non-issue! I've done it in the past, just not been able to sustain it. But now I am going to keep sustaining it! And if I screw up, I'm going to try again. 

Proud of you!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I hate to say it, but I wish he'd just admit "nah, I don't really like you. So let's call this off."

Instead it seems like he says "I don't really like you. That's why I want to be married to you."

ugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Mine said that, but I don't believe him! Haha! (Seriously, he's using it as a ploy. He was plenty in love with me 6 weeks ago and I don't care who you are, unless you have a serious mental issue, you can't just flip it off like a light switch!)

Anyway, I have never understood why some people are not happy unless they are miserable. I have a "friend" like that and I feel so sorry for her.


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