# 7 year online affair



## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

I recently found out my Wife of 25 years has been having a 7 year online romance with someone she met on a play money poker site.

I have not confronted her with it yet. 

Something recently made me suspicious and while she was away one day I found her Hotmail password. I never realized during this time how close we came to her leaving me to be with this guy. Inquires in to to ticket prices and plans to meet were made. I have no idea if she has ever met this guy in person.

I know I have been inattentive to her for a few years..Been in my own little world. but not for 7 years. 
upon digging a little further, it appears there may be others.. 2 that i know of.

I honestly believe that she loves me. I have been waiting to confront her. I guess I am a little scared. I have nobody to discuss this with. The one person I did talk to about this suggested that it was both our faults and If I started showing her the attention and love that it would just go away. 

The reason I am here is to get some dialog going on the subject and to hear opinions.. I know I have not explained it all clearly in this post . Maybe talking it out will help.

Thank You


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

all I can say is ouch....maybe take a day or two and post your whole story, I have found that most peeps don't mind long posts.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

Ty Paramore. I will try . At this point in time , I sit with such pain in my heart and the whole story is not very clear.

I have told her that i know I have been inattentive, and I will make that all right again. I love her with all of my heart, I can not imagine her not in my life. for the last few weeks I have been reassuring her of my love and how much I need her in my life. We have been doing more together taking time to talk and do social activities. I do know that she is still in contact with this person even though they have broken it off as far as romance.

I guess the help I am needing is .. should I tell I know?
in 10 days we are taking a holiday in Mexico for a wedding and time together. I was planning on telling her on the last day there , asking her if she can stop it and does she want to rebuilt my trust with her. 

I will try to post more..I will try to piece it all together in my mind and post it.. as you might well imagine..My head is a little screwed up right now.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Pman, I know how hard all this is. My H is having an EA right now and has been unfaithfully sexually in the past. I love him so much in spite of it all. Mine refuses to end his EA and wants to divorce me. You do need to tell your wife that you know but maybe save it for after your trip to Mexico.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest taking a deep breath and take some time to gather your thought. Give it a day to educate your self on the best option in confronting this.

Make a list and write down a plan. when the time comes your emotion will run you instead of you running your emotion, tkae control of your emeotion when you confront her.

here are some thing you may want to think about before you approach her;

Do you love her so much that you will share her, will you do anything to keep her even let her have this guy. Does she mean that much that you will be cuckold?

Take the time to think about this and other boundries. Write all the boundries down...what you will except and what you won't.

Letting her know that you will doing anything for her might be the wrong why to approach this. I understand how you feel but if for one second she believe that you will tolorate her affair b/c you will do any thing then your screwed. She need to believe that you wont do anything for her, she need to believe that her man will drop her in a new york second if she doesn't play her cards right. 

So #1 do not give her the impression that you lover her so much that you will tolorate her behavior, its the oppisite, you love her but not enought to share and be used as a door mat 

Yes let her know you charish the marriage but...... you are confident in moving on with out her.


There is a ton of angles you need to look at before confronting so please take the time.

I have a feeling your working in the dark still so again take the time to do your own investigation and see who this guy is, is he married, is there any way to get more info on were your wife stands, like other communications that will show you how much is invested.

Check cell phone logs and dig into back and cc statements. try to get a feeling for what is really going on now and what may have gone on in the past if thats possible. You wont know until you at least look into it.

Get a keylogger and some other investigating tools to educate your self so when you confront you know what your confronting, a women who is madly in love with OM, are there others and is it just attention. Granted it's been seven years so you may want to take a really good and thourgh look into this before you show her your card. 

Once you confront that window into this crap will close and it could go deeper under ground. And for sure she will make it less then it really is (iceberge effect) Even if you go and confront her she will lie and give you half truth, at least take some time in getting some verification in what she tells you is the truth and if it is not then at least you can denouce it when you confront her.

Again there are so many variables and you are still in the dark I suggest you dig alittle more. And get some of your own ansewers before she shut the door after the confrontation.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

I keep sitting down and trying to write something, Give a background into my life with my wife and how it could have gotten here to this point.

I keep writing , erasing, crying, typing, erasing . over and over.

My problem is, what my life was like , how it got to this point, who's fault it is seems pointless.

My thoughts are always the same...
:She did it.
oes she really love me?
:Can we recover from it?
:Can I ever trust her again?
:Will I ever stop looking over her shoulder?
:Will she do it again in the next rut?

I have been reading dozens , hundreds of posts here. I almost want to go right now and sit her down and show her all of your words, show her the pain she has inflicted on me.

I am sorry there is not really a point to this post or a question, But damn it ..It sure feels good to be able to just vent right now.

Thank you for listening.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

The Guy, 

I have done a lot of investigating, Installed a key logger and spend all my time consumed with watching her pc activity.

I went 2 weeks and never saw her communicating with this guy. Today when I opened up the logs , I saw that they had a 2 hour MSn chat. 

That is what brought me to this site. I do not know how to handle the info I am finding out...I need to get some of this off my chest before it crushes me.

I have never had to deal with this before. ( as I am sure a lot of you ) 

In the past if I thought My gf were cheating, I would just dump them and move on.

I do not want to Dump my marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Again all the more reason to gather your toughts and calm the f*ck down.
Believe me the shacking, the sick feeling in the stomach, all that sh*t happened to me. So listen .... you need to keep writing but you also need to read go to affaircare .com and marriage builders .com

For right now focus on how to confront and what you need. stop thinking about her and her love and all her BS. 

What do you want out of this confrontation and are you strong enough to kick her out if she wants to continue?

DON'T EVEN DARE CRING AND BEGGING IN FRONT OF HER!
This will for sure push her away. I can tell you this if you start, she will look at you square in the eye and think " were in the hell were you years ago, and now you cry"

If you plead with her she will look at you and think "now he begs were where you when she was pleading for your time" so don't go down that road it will push her futher away.

Man up and show some confidence in that you will not tolorate her crap and will move on if she can't recommit to you.
Face it you both f*cked up this marraige show some courage in that you can repair it and you only need one thing from her, is she willing to come along for the ride with a new PMan.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

I do know I will not be able to stay with her if it does not end.. I love her with all my heart , But I am not a fool.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

While getting my info together , I sat and watched on my PC a conversation my Wife was having with her online affair.

I went up and stood behind her talking to her. Stayed longer than normal.

i wanted to go and put a bat through her PC.

I saw her saying , "sorry HE was standing behind me. I think he is suspicious. I will try and throw him off track"


I can't take much more of this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I don't know how you can put up with knowing, holding it in for 2 weeks, and then going on holidays with her (and holding it in for that trip).

C


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

if you can, print out the stuff, and when you are ready confront her with it, ask her to end it, and go from there bro, i am so sorry.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

It has not been easy holding it in , But until I get all the information I need to confront her, I do not want her to take in underground. As for the Holiday..It is paid for and a must to go as it is for a wedding for a family member. 
I could confront her before the trip and depending on how it goes, we could be fighting the whole trip or we could be civil if I wait.

And it is a place that for the first time since I found out. She will not be communicating with OP for sure. There is some relief in that.


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

PMan said:


> It has not been easy holding it in , But until I get all the information I need to confront her, I do not want her to take in underground. As for the Holiday..It is paid for and a must to go as it is for a wedding for a family member.
> I could confront her before the trip and depending on how it goes, we could be fighting the whole trip or we could be civil if I wait.
> 
> And it is a place that for the first time since I found out. She will not be communicating with OP for sure. There is some relief in that.


How do you know for sure on this? Do you not have a cell phone with texting option, or can you be sure, the hotel does not have pay phones, or internet computers for there guests ? I would say something now, that way you can expose her to the people at the wedding. She does not love you, she just lives with you. I think deep down you know this is the case. Tell her you know what is going on and what you know. She has a choice to make. You are damaging your self mentally, not confronting this right now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I still would want to know who the guy is before confronting and if he to is married.
In my opinion finding out who this guy is gives you an idea what your up against when confronting her. 
When you shed a light on this you can put a real name to it.


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## PMan (Apr 17, 2011)

All communications stopped a few days ago. I am not sure now if it is just because of the Holidays or if they have found a new way to communicate. I am pretty sure that they know I am suspicious.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Assume both , they will be in contact again it is a drug they will not be able to stop. Buy a keylogger, a VAR ( voice activated recorder) for the car - hide it well these tend to come lose easily. Be patient , snoop, dig and track the OM down. I suggest you run a Plan A and a 180 at the same time. Prepare for the worst as adulterers have amazing stamina when it come to dishonesty and she will have other places or means of communication.

Your wife will lie as you have never seen before she will not even under the utmost duress give out the OM's name , it will be far better to have a name and thereafter track him down. The only assurance is she will be in contact with him, her limiting contact after seven years will not be easy to maintain so you have to be very patient and keep an eye on everything. Look for a second phone and hidden mail accounts and assume / know your wife and the OM are smarter than you and one step ahead , at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

seven years---that is almost like your wife has been a bigamist------her affection, or whatever it is, she has with this guy---is not gonna go away, cold turkey----unless you are very hard line in your boundaries, and conditions to her, once you have confronted----but in her own mind---he will still remain---it is just what happens---you just can't lope off 7 yrs of life, just like that!!!

Your problem is, she may know him, as well as she knows you

Be vary wary, of her activities, while on your vacation---she can/will make contact if she really wants to

Are you sure she has never met him, in person---was there ever any time that she needed to go somewhere by herself for whatever reason

Where does this guy live????---Also what about the other 2 guys she talks to, or has talked to

Befor you actually do confront---get some advise on how to actually do your confrontation---that is one situation, that must be right---and you cannot come off as looking weak, or begging, or crying---you have to be icy cold in your demeanor-

----remember what she has with this guy---is Disneyland---they have no reality---no stress of paying bills, making repairs, running around for the kids,---they don't deal with anybody's problems----they just talk to each other about life, and play their games

If she is in a true EA---then she has given her heart to him, and she will have feelings for him----

As was said above----you need to let her know that even tho, you may have caused marital problems, and I am sure she herself has not been perfect---that you both are responsible for the problems, and correcting them----she is solely responsible for going outside the mge

Let her know that you know, that you cannot make her stop what she is doing---but by the same token---you will never share her with another man---so if she wants this mge---she must go NC----that needs to be done with an e-mail, and you reading the text, and watching it go

Does your wife work, or is she a stay at home---one of your boundaries, must be, that she gives up all social websites, and she can't be in contact with other men, whatsoever

Good luck, and stand tall----just do not let her see any weakness in you---no matter how much you hurt


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## Paradox (Jan 27, 2012)

I found your post via google and couldn't help but sign up for the site and post. I can completely feel for you as I am going through similiar trials as well. Mine is a 12 year steady relationship and marriage about 1 1/2yrs ago, I was at work trying to show a political cartoon for teachers my wife had sent me to my peer but pic got blocked by firewall. I pulled up her email my phone to get the pick and saw a just replied email with no subject. I opened the email to find a string of reply emails sent between my wife and a friend of a friends (henceforth referenced as SOB). I was destroyed. I completed a few last emails and took an early leave. I made a few calls and gained further confirmation based on originally unfounded rumors of a thing between my wife & SOB. I addressed this shorthly thereafter, forwarding the email that I had found and forwarded to myself (good thing as a quick delete came shortley after) back to her inbox. She was at movie with a friend (female) so I left a voicemail for her to check her email immediately and get the f out. By then I had already thrown most of her clothing out into the garage so I left and drove around the neighborhoods in the area trying to cool down and strategize.

Luckily, but 2 weeks before I had been given the choice of two highly saught after roles in my industry (finance). I was the top candidate to either obtain a very prestigise license paid for by my firm (59% national pass rate including retesters) or to become a Sr. Associate within my department (run a team and my book of business). It is infeasible to do both and thus I was asked to choose so that the remaining position could be filled. I went for the designation which requires about 3-4hrs study 4-5days a week with national comprehensive in 9 month if 6 cadres completed. Long story short I achieve my greatest career accomplishment to date. 2 weeks later the roller-coaster dropped.

When she had found the text she called me and I cussed her out finishing with check your email. She left the movie without a word and came home to see her clothes strewn accross the garage. By then I was at a local bar up the street swelling with rage and pain. We are very intune with one another thus veritably predicted each others reactions knowing the severity of cheating from previous discussions. Oddly enough, everyone (including my family) was shocked as they assumed me to be more suseptable as I'm analytical, confident, and energetic while she is a sweet, compassionate, and calm (teacher). 

She called my father and a couple we are friends with admitting that she "screwed up bad and needed them to find me so that I don't ruin all I've accomplished". They found me and took me home. A few days and several bottles later I finally went to ER to find my swollen hand from 1st night was due to boxer fracture. I didn't start it thus no trouble but unusually easy to preovoke. Bender lasted 8-9 days. She had been calling to beg forgiveness during this time but I wisely kept calls short. Finally we spoke and over a week began allowing her back at the house.

She suggested it in desperation during my bender a polygraph and I facilitated one. 16 questions later (based on her "telling me everything" info) I determined that they never had had any kind of sex nor had ever with any one else during our 12years. She fail 12 of 16 though. I have grilled each question since and feel that I am at or close to the full picture. 2 kisses, minor groping, highly sexual emails, and a few nude pics. 

Worst of all is that I am a go getter, athletic, and of high intelligence whereas this guy is a douche with no drive, ambitions, and is average in all categories at best. W have been talking since but things are rockey at best. She says the affair was becasue she is jealous of my accomplishments, career momentum and abilities and that she (very accomplished teahcer) got to feel like "top dog" when getting attention from SOB. This is but one of a few items.

Getting late but may post more tomorrow. To close current post though (added twist). My wife is now pregnant (it is definitley mine and the 1st) with a due date of Aug 4th. Rollercoaster goes lop-de-loop.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Paradox, its more helpful that you start your own thread, that way you're threadjacking someone elses thread and so members wont confuse your story with the original posters. I too was confused at first and thought some had merely necro'd an old thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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