# Hand that Rocks the Cradle.



## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi

Here is the story. We had a nanny, everyone adored her. I helped her out a lot with her self asteem, depression, eating disorder and social life advice. I tried to get her on track with a good life. She is very religious (I just didn't like her preaching to my kids). I toke her shopping, bought her clothes and shoes to get her to feel better about herself and dating after she was dumped.

My husband was doing the same thing. He gave her money to go shopping he says around $1500. She asked him to put a room on his card since she didn't have one for her family? Not 100% comfortable with that one. She wanted to move out of our home. He cosigned for her lease. Loaned her money for a coach down payment and gave her money to pay off some of her medical bills. He didn't tell me didn't think it was a big deal since I was helping her too. 

We both liked her and considered her a friend. In the meantime she was talking to him behind my back. He told me she would call him and ask to meet him for lunch when she was not working or calling off sick (and she did that a lot). She had the balls to ask him if he was interested in her "that" way? He said no, she is old enough to be his daughter. She was texting him and backstabbing me, telling him stories how I yell at the kids and how she cant take it anymore and needs to move out. Funny part is the kids think she is the mean one. She advised him to spank the kids...OMG never as I breath. Telling him stories about what I said twisting the truth. She summed up by observation and embellished all kinds of things. I had no idea. 

I started having problems with her not listening to me, I asked her to clean the counter off after she made herself a protein shack. She said no I dont want the clorox wipes chemicals on my hands. WTF..........She was giving me an attitude and a hard time on a daily bases. When I found her texts to him complaining about me I fired her. It was my phone I had the right to look at it if I choose. 

After she was fired she started showing up at his office with excuses she needed to use his computer to print off her resume etc. I emailed her telling her to stop. 

She has caused so much stress in this family for the last four months she has been with us to now still. I noticed the looks she was giving my husband. She was definately interested, that's why I checked her phone in the first place it was getting uncomfortable. 

When we were in the hotel on vacation, we were in the soaking tub together, when I got out I noticed the youngest out of bed. I went to her room to get him. She was really upset. You see she tried really hard to get us to break up. I didn't see it then, as my husband and I talk more we are putting the puzzle together. 

Right now I am just so angry and upset that I just want to get an attorney and get even for what she tried to do. I want her the hell out of our life, she has done a mass amount of damage in my relationship. She was really close in succeeding, we started fighting and disrespecting each other over the things she planted in both our heads. 

We understands now what has happened and what she tried to do. He finally sees how she used us. Then we were both under her spell. The nice poor little Christian girl who played herself so sick and helpless needing so much help and being so needy. Not helpless enough to play head games with my family, she even used the kids in her schemes. 

We have been fighting over the situation and trying to get closure. I am still not convinced he didn't have anything to do with her. He swears on the kids lives he never touched her. She weaved such a mess I am not sure anymore what to think. I have serous doubt. My heart says no way, and my brain is telling me yes??????? I am so confused. She may get the split in the end, we are trying to work past this. I just don't know? 

I even thought to bring up charges against her to get the text records so I know for sure. The only way I can get the last 5 months is if its for evidence on criminal charges by sabpeona. 

What is your opinion, what would you do in my shoes???


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What are you going to "charge" her with? Or sue her, or whatever you plan to do legally? She may have done some manipulation to you and your husband, but it doesn't sound like anything illegal. Both your and your husband are grown-ups and responsible for your own actions and decisions. If she asks for money, and either of you gives it to her, she's done nothing wrong, even if you regret it after.

The problem you seem to have now is poor boundary agreements, and that's an issue entirely between you and your husband. You both need to be on the same page of what is acceptable and what isn't. Until you do that, she can continue to play the two of you, and the wedge will simply be driven in deeper. But if you act together, she can't drive that wedge.

Fire her, get her out of your lives, and both of you need to refuse contact with her. Get her number blocked from all your phone accounts, and get her e-mails sent to your spam boxes. If you want to try to take legal action, talk to your lawyer about what would be needed for a harassment suit against her. You'll might have to send a formal letter telling her to not contact either of you again, and then if she ignores that you might be able to get a restraining order or something against her. But again, unless you and your husband are working together on this, it's all pointless.

C


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Fire her and change your phone numbers.

Not difficult.


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

I agree on the bounderies that have been crossed, he got an earful and he feels stupid. I don't want to take legal action per say I just want to take legal action to get the texts, I looked into it and I could charge her in civil case court for alienation of affection and deffimation of character....Stupid but I would know if he cheated through texting. She texted a lot. 

The numbers we cant change, they are his work numbers at the office and his cell number is business. He has had the same number for 20 some years. I blocked her from our cell accounts. 

The last issue is, he is too nice to tell someone to **** off. No matter what they do, he cant be a mean person. This is creating the WAR. I want him to boldly tell her where to go and he cant do it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's a world of difference between "can't" and "won't"...

Why do you need to take legal action to see the texts? Hasn't your husband freely offered up his phone to you? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Fire her and change your phone numbers.
> 
> Not difficult.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
that's the best way......


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

No he deletes all his messages as soon as he reads them......Fishy ha.

No the numbers cant be changed they are business from my previous post.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Depending on the phone and how/when he syncs it to a computer, there may be ways to recover them. Does he delete ALL text threads, and has he always done that?

I'd be curious what a lawyer would tell you... Have you thought about a lie detector test for your husband? Has he given you any warning signs about cheating on you? Pursuing this further runs a significant risk of damaging your relationship with him, especially if he's done nothing wrong. Are you prepared for that? Have the two of you considered any counselling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

PBear

We are in counseling and he started deleting his texts, I have asked him questions on some of them so he started to delete them and the calls that come in..........
He has omitted the truth from me before and lied out right. I have trust issues from the past. He wouldn't physically cheat I would hope? I just don't know this time. A young pretty girl who was so needy and sweet!!!! He is a sucker when it comes to helping people like that. Sob stories he falls for everytime.

He has an older flip phone he never hooks up to a computer. Its impossible to read and I need the information from 5 months ago to recent. 

I know the damage it could cause and I am aware of the problems. Its a rock and a hard place. I feel like I cant win either way I go. For my peace of mind I need to know. I know I am driving a wedge in my insecurities and he is tired of me checking into everything he tells me.... its an emotional roler coaster ride from hades for both of us. I am asking him for the credit card bills for the last six months, lets see if he delivers.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

She will go away and leave you alone when there is nothing to come back for.

Your husband needs to stand up and block her, be open about texts and tell her straight out to stop contacting him or he will file a restraining order.

If he "can't" do this, then what exactly can he do as your husband? She wants an affair and bad mouths you and has corrupted your family, and he lets her come into his work and use his computer. He needs to stand up for you and your marriage. This would be a big issue for me, if my husband didn't do that for me or us, I don't know how I would feel about him anymore.


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

Thanks Gratitude. I am pissed, that's how you would feel. Angry, pissed, and mad as hell at him and her. Bounderies just don't exist for him and its tearing us apart.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

madwitt3 said:


> Thanks Gratitude. I am pissed, that's how you would feel. Angry, pissed, and mad as hell at him and her. Bounderies just don't exist for him and its tearing us apart.


You want your husband to stand up for you. Not for you to ask him, and even further for him not to even then do it!

Seriously, how can you trust him when all you're getting is him not being angry enough to tell her where to go. He has no business being in contact with her. None. She is not employed by you anymore. Any contact now would be very, very bad.

The "not knowing" is what drives you up the wall. You will trust him when he acts trustworthy, hides nothing and shows 100% commitment to you and your marriage. It doesn't matter if you haven't found anything, it's what you're feeling from him during all this. Marriages come across tests sometimes and he's failing. I really feel for you in this one, it makes me sad. And angry


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

Thank you Gratitude for your kind words. He is failing, he has been failing. He wonders why I am never upbeat and happy? How the hell does one act happy when you have this in your life? A man with no bounderies, when given one breaks them every time especially after he promises and gives you his word. He talks to her the very next day and hides it from me. I had to figure it out on my own, he didn't tell me. He never tells me anything. I am getting sick and tired of it. 

We talked about it and I have asked him for 100% disclosure and honesty. Unless he changes there is no hope. Unless he learns about keeping bounderies we wont make it. If he cant stay away from her and tell her where to go, its over. He has messed up the family enough with his lack of respect for me that I cant do this anymore until I see some changes in him and a backbone. 

As I write this, its probably to late anyway. I know he wont back me up or defend me. He will just do whatever he wants and doesn't care who he hurts. He thinks as long as I don't know about it its not hurting me. If he keeps it from me its no big deal. Maybe that's how he feels about the affair to if he had one with her. If I don't know about it it wont hurt me or effect the family????? 

Its bad enough someone I trusted came into my home and did this to me and my family, but not to have your partner have your back and rag on you with her...............and still keep contact like she is the saint and the victim...........

I feel really raw right now. I want to walk the hell away from him. I am hoping the therapy will help make some positive changes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The numbers CAN be changed. You just won't change them. 
If it was a huuuuge problem like this, I'd change the numbers.


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## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

Does this woman still work for you? Why?

I would have fired her the first time she went behind my back to my husband. There are plenty of unemployed people out there can do a much better job with your kids and not be after your husband.

I agree with that_girl. Fire her and change your number.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

She's fired.
Tell him no more contact with her. He needs to go to the builidngs owner & take himself off her lease. (He probably needs to explain the situation, to be considered to get taken off of it????)

Anyway, without him on the lease, & she is not involved with the kids anymore...He has no reason to have contact with her. He needs to be open about when she contacts/texts him.

If you guys won't change the numbers, then, probably the best bet is to completely ignore any text/phone calls from her. Eventually she will learn that her manipulations are not going to get her what she wants, and she will move on to the next sucker.

If He still texts or contacts her.... then he is wanting to keep the connection for some reason. Then, I'd say you have basis to tell him "Her or me." Then saddle him with half of all your bills & kid's bills. Do not let him walk away scott free. If he has the money to pay for her lease, he has the money to pay for his seperation.


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

She knows where his office is and how to contact him in person, changing numbers can be given out again. The problem here is disrespect and broken bounderies not phone numbers people.

This is not high school, this is a serious adult problem I am facing. He can change his number and call her from it and tell her the # so whats the point. He has to confront her himself and tell her to stop, we are adults and should act like it.

Thank You Chelle D. I agree. He is addicted to people looking up to him and them being grateful for his kindness and she really laid it on think, even to me. The lease is going to be up in three months, I wonder if its worth the hassle. I will see if it can be broken and see if he is willing to break it. The ball is in his hands, he has to take the action. I am helpless its not my name on the lease. He has to break the contact and he has to end it. The question is Will He?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

For your sanity, I hope so.

I guess, maybe sit down and have a face to face with him. Tell him any contact she tries with him is not healthy for you two. Tell him you expect him to ignore her completely, and that you expect him to show you if she texts. Ask if he is faithful to you? Does he want to be faithful to you? Can he honestly commit?

Then, if he says yes, he will/is faithful & agrees about no contact. Then let it drop. Trust at that point & don't bring it up again, unless she shows her ugly (personality ugly) face again.

If he is being secritive about things in a month or two, then that should be something brought up in counseling session? no?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

He's deleting texts, lying to you, contacting her and hiding it, and spent money on the girl. He IS cheating. There is no "if." 

Take your ass to his boss and let him know that this woman is stalking both of you. Provide a picture. Your H sure as hell won't do it because he's either in the fog or chicken sh*t. You may want to take up a few methods of surveillance as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

He made me promises and his word he would stop, the next day he called her and they talked. I keep finding out more and more details as I dig deeper into the situation. I am not sure how to proceed anymore. I told him if he wants to hide to go ahead. I am out. 

This is beyond reasoning and beyond normal. 

I cant keep tearing myself apart trying to keep the family together. I'm going to drive myself mad over this. Either it be done, or we are.


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

Update. Months from my original post, I find he has taken her shopping spending over $20,000 on her apartment and furniture as well. Getting a gym membership for them both and lunches etc. Went with her to a doctors appointment helped her find the apartment soooooooo much more crap. He emailed me his afairs in the past I posted here. Yet still denies anything sexual wih her. I believe him. His confession to his other affairs was detrimental as is. 

She manipulated us both. Telling him our affection towards eachother made her uncomfortable while asking me why he isnt effectionate with me? What a Psycho to want to destroy a family. User and manipulator.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She sounds like a con artist that both of you were tricked by.


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## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She sounds like a con artist that both of you were tricked by.


We both see it now as we talk about our interaction with her. Stories she gave and him feeling needed and appreciated all he did for her. Cheerleader of give me more. With three young children at tow she used it ALL to get as much as she could. She had issues with her last male boss who made a pass at her, bought her a coat and wanted payback, so she came to us. A year later looking at her calls to my husband and massive texts. She was after something. Maybe not him but what he can afford. 

With that he came forward with his two affairs in the past. He had a 4 year emotional touching feeling then oral sex to full sexual affair with the same woman. The sick part was he didnt actually have sex with her until our baby came a few months later. The other with his secretary that lasted 3 maybe 4 months before she moved on. Then came the nanny. The last emotional affair that brought down the house. Mind you thats how I found out about the affairs, I scheduled a lie detector test. He supposably came clean?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

madwitt3 said:


> Update. *Months from my original post, I find he has taken her shopping spending over $20,000 on her apartment and furniture as well. Getting a gym membership for them both and lunches etc. Went with her to a doctors appointment helped her find the apartment soooooooo much more crap. He emailed me his afairs in the past I posted here. Yet still denies anything sexual wih her. I believe him. His confession to his other affairs was detrimental as is. *
> 
> She manipulated us both. Telling him our affection towards eachother made her uncomfortable while asking me why he isnt effectionate with me? What a Psycho to want to destroy a family. User and manipulator.


:scratchhead::scratchhead:

Why would a husband spend that amount of time and money on a clearly manipulative *little* girl?

It takes two to tango.
He furnished her apartment..,why?
So that she could hook up with her little boyfriend and live 
" happily ever after?"
Nope!
Something is clearly wrong dear. This little girl was his employee,not his relative.
She gave you attitude because she knows he has her back.
He is covering her back because ?
He is getting something in return.
Find out what he got in return.


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