# Should I do a paternity test



## BHF

I have a 6 year old child and I share custody with my ex wife for 4 years now. I have OCD and 2 years ago in a fight my ex wife said the child is not yours. She said it in another fight and when I asked whose is he she said IDK and she said other time he is not mine he is hers. 2x total she said it. Then another time when she wad calm I brought it up and she said go ahead do DNA test but the child is yours, then said look at him, he looks just like you, why do you need test? After those 2 years we had bigger fights but she never mentioned it.

My mother said that in our culture women tend to say such stuff to make their ex angry and the child has many of my features. My shrink thinks it is unlikely to be true

However, since I met my ex wife I had urological issues and more often than not I couldnt perform and many times couldnt ejaculate. I cant remember how my performance was in mid 2006 when the child was concieved.

My ex never went out with friends or was home alone but she did work in a pizza place that year from 4pm to 4am on weekends. There were also other people all women except delivery drivers working with her, people from our culture and often her sister as well. I doubt she cheated on me but nothing is guaranteed.

Now here is the problem. If I do the test, I will feel happy if it says I am bio dad. But my OCD maybe would make me question the accuracy if an online test.

If the test show I am not the dad then that is the problem. I dont wanna lose the child and I wanna be his dad regardless but should the test show I am not bio dad then that would kill me. Then I would fear when will my ex find out, how to tell the kid etc etc

Should I do that test or just forget about it????

PS. Ex and I are going to litigate because there has been some change in circumstances but nothing to do with paternity. I am also worried she may some day say YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER but if it was so I guess shr would do it by now in 4 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

In most places, any child born into a marriage is the legal child of the husband. You are legally your son's father. It would not matter if she proved in court that you are not his bio dad... you cannot be stripped of that legal status unless there is another man willing to take over the legal status of father and you agree to this.

If it were me, I'd run the test. I would not tell her that I was doing it, but I would get the test done. I would use the best test lab I could afford. 

Or get 3 less expensive tests and see if they all come up with same answer.


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## BHF

In Canada paternity laws are bit different than is some states. If the test was negative then I would live in fear as I am now plus maybe my love towards the child would eventually fade 
_Posted via Mobile Device_ and I dont want that


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## EleGirl

BHF said:


> In Canada paternity laws are bit different than is some states. If the test was negative then I would live in fear as I am now plus maybe my love towards the child would eventually fade
> 
> and I dont want that


You will of course need to check with an attorney on the legal issue. Knowing if you are his bio father would give you the advantage of being able to plan ahead for any tacktics she might try.


Do you really think that after all the love you have for your son that you would love him less if you are not his bio dad? 

Does your uncertainty of paternity affect your love for your son? If it does you need to find out so that you have the turth and so does your son.

I have an adopted son (24 yrs old now) who we adopted at the age of 10 days old. There is no difference in the love for an adopted child.


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## BHF

My only fear is that I may lose him. If it turned out that I am not the bio dad then there are million ways to lose him. Uncertenty doesnt bother me to love him and take care of him, but I cant see any good in knowing if he wasnt mine.

Someone said leave it alone and love your son, if your ex brings it up, deal with it then.

Soon my ex and I might end up in court so if she dont bring it up then I believe I have nothing to fear
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d4life

Personally, I would have to know just for my own peace of mind. Not that it would change anything, but I would want to know.


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## larry.gray

EleGirl said:


> In most places, any child born into a marriage is the legal child of the husband. You are legally your son's father. It would not matter if she proved in court that you are not his bio dad... you cannot be stripped of that legal status unless there is another man willing to take over the legal status of father and you agree to this.


This doesn't apply to the OP since he mentioned he is in Canada, but FYI:

That was one true but is no longer in 47 states. In the last decade men's rights groups have been very effective in getting the law changed due to the wide availability of DNA paternity testing and the injustice of just what you are describing.


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## BHF

d4life said:


> Personally, I would have to know just for my own peace of mind. Not that it would change anything, but I would want to know.


Yes but Im afraid the home kit test may come inconclusive as they said if the swab is not done correct it could give false results or sometimes the test comes back neither positive nor negative which would make me stress more, plus the child is going through chemotherapy which puts more doubt in my head about test accuracy.

And should the trst be negative how would I live with a secret that I am not bio dad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d4life

BHF said:


> Yes but Im afraid the home kit test may come inconclusive as they said if the swab is not done correct it could give false results or sometimes the test comes back neither positive nor negative which would make me stress more, plus the child is going through chemotherapy which puts more doubt in my head about test accuracy.
> 
> And should the trst be negative how would I live with a secret that I am not bio dad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am so sorry that he is not well at the moment. Since he is undergoing chemo I would let it go for now. That changes everything for me. Just wait it out. Let him get better and later if you still have this feeling of wanting to know test him then. 

As far as not being the bio dad, that should be a non issue really. Plenty of people adopt and I see no different. One of my brother in laws is adopted and the love in our family is no different. That test will not, or should not, change the love that you have for your son. It will change your feelings for your ex wife, but since you are already divorced that should be OK too.

Praying for your son to get better.


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## BHF

Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

You've loved this boy every day of his life. When he says "Dad", he's talking about you. When you say "son", you're talking about him. That proof is more valid and binding than any DNA test in my book. On the off-chance there might be some other sperm donor, whoever that person is hasn't done squat for your son. Your son doesn't know him and he certainly doesn't love him. He's not the father, regardless of what some lab tech says. I'd chalk it up to the senseless mooing of an angry, spiteful cow. You can't let hostile women steal your peace or drive you crazy. You know who and what you are. She can't beat you up, so she tries to hurt you the same way women have been trying to hurt guys since time began...they threaten to separate fathers from their kids. It's vile and vicious and hell has a special corner waiting for them. That witch can call you "dad" or the Easter Bunny. What matters is what you and your feel for each other.


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## EleGirl

Ontario where the judge ruled that a person who has filled the role of father to children for an extended period can be forced to pay child support and otherwise to continue to serve in the role of father even if the children are not biologically his.

Read more: Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com



Look under sections 94/95

JP Boyd's BC Family Law Resource: Other Family Law Issues > Paternity Issues

Search for the laws in your provence.


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## BHF

unbelievable said:


> You've loved this boy every day of his life. When he says "Dad", he's talking about you. When you say "son", you're talking about him. That proof is more valid and binding than any DNA test in my book. On the off-chance there might be some other sperm donor, whoever that person is hasn't done squat for your son. Your son doesn't know him and he certainly doesn't love him. He's not the father, regardless of what some lab tech says. I'd chalk it up to the senseless mooing of an angry, spiteful cow. You can't let hostile women steal your peace or drive you crazy. You know who and what you are. She can't beat you up, so she tries to hurt you the same way women have been trying to hurt guys since time began...they threaten to separate fathers from their kids. It's vile and vicious and hell has a special corner waiting for them. That witch can call you "dad" or the Easter Bunny. What matters is what you and your feel for each other.


Ty for this post. It is very thought and so true. I needed a post like this and I read it 3x. Thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BHF

EleGirl said:


> Ontario where the judge ruled that a person who has filled the role of father to children for an extended period can be forced to pay child support and otherwise to continue to serve in the role of father even if the children are not biologically his.
> 
> Read more: Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com Canadian Paternity Law | eHow.com
> 
> Look under sections 94/95
> 
> JP Boyd's BC Family Law Resource: Other Family Law Issues > Paternity Issues
> 
> Search for the laws in your provence.


Ty for encoureging me that should the worst happen that I still have a chance to keep my son. If it happens I will fight tooth and nail to keep my son whom I raised more than his mom did, he spent more time with me, medical was done more by me and dental solely done by me as well as education. My only weakness is...well....emotional weakness
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

BHF said:


> Ty for encoureging me that should the worst happen that I still have a chance to keep my son. If it happens I will fight tooth and nail to keep my son whom I raised more than his mom did, he spent more time with me, medical and dental was done by me and education. My only weakness is...well....emotional weakness


Yes I want to encourage you to fight for him no matter the circumstances. You are his dad.. just ask him. The most important thing here is what is in the best interest of your son. He has a daddy. It would be wrong after all this time to take his dad away from him. This is why you fight.

When a child loses a parent, after years of attachment to the parent it causes the child permanent emotional harm. No child should suffer this.


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## heavensangel

When a child loses a parent, after years of attachment to the parent it causes the child permanent emotional harm. No child should suffer this. 

This is so true! @ 14, my H was told by his mom during one of her frequent angry outbursts, that the man he'd called 'dad' was not his bio dad. H still went to live with his 'dad' but the relationship from that point on was forever changed for my H. I found H's bio dad a few years ago, they did do paternity testing, and are now building their relationship. 

This kind of emotional manipulation, whether to an adult or child, is just plain evil. What I can tell you is this: stick by your son's side; continue loving him; in every sense of the word, DNA aside, you are his Dad. And when all is said and done, the relationship that will suffer most is the one stirring the pot; in your case, that would be your exwife. 

Please know you and your son are in my prayers. Hope he's feeling better soon.


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## SimplyAmorous

D4life, you sound like an extraordinary Man and Father to feel as strongly as you do, just reading your posts here is very touching.

I've watched a # of those "Maury" Paternity Test shows in the past...(they hype that up so bad)....where men are Jumping for joy the kid isn't theirs... laughing in the face of the woman.... then you get some who are torn to pieces when they learn the child is not theirs/ or that they are the Father.... now those are the Real men, worthy of the term "Father". 

I really feel the laws need changed in favor of men to protect themselves from some of these situations though...( if the wife was unfaithful)... they get a divorce & he has to pay for the rest of his life...I do find it a terrible injustice. I feel the wife should reap those costs herself. I know it's not the child's fault though...this is what get's lost in this mess when people are unfaithful to each other...... 

But it is so very inspiring to see men like yourself feel as strongly as you do..in the face of this.

Your son is very blessed!! Whatever he is going through, Prayers with you.


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## EleGirl

heavensangel said:


> When a child loses a parent, after years of attachment to the parent it causes the child permanent emotional harm. No child should suffer this.
> 
> This is so true! @ 14, my H was told by his mom during one of her frequent angry outbursts, that the man he'd called 'dad' was not his bio dad. H still went to live with his 'dad' but the relationship from that point on was forever changed for my H. I found H's bio dad a few years ago, they did do paternity testing, and are now building their relationship.
> 
> This kind of emotional manipulation, whether to an adult or child, is just plain evil. What I can tell you is this: stick by your son's side; continue loving him; in every sense of the word, DNA aside, you are his Dad. And when all is said and done, the relationship that will suffer most is the one stirring the pot; in your case, that would be your exwife.
> 
> Please know you and your son are in my prayers. Hope he's feeling better soon.


How sad that the relationship between your husband and the man who raised him suffered.

When we adopted our son I did a lot of reading on adoption. One thing that was clear is that it's important to tell a child the truth from day one. When they find out later .. usually in their teens or early adulthood, the new knowledge causes a lot of trouble. 

The suggest was to talk him being adopted as a fact, just like the color of his hair is a fact.

We did that from day one. I even found some really nice children's books that talked about adoption. We have never had any issues with our son about his adoption.


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## larry.gray

SimplyAmorous said:


> I really feel the laws need changed in favor of men to protect themselves from some of these situations though...( if the wife was unfaithful)... they get a divorce & he has to pay for the rest of his life...I do find it a terrible injustice. I feel the wife should reap those costs herself. I know it's not the child's fault though...this is what get's lost in this mess when people are unfaithful to each other......


Women who knowingly do that should be looking at many years in prison.


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## d4life

SimplyAmorous said:


> D4life, you sound like an extraordinary Man and Father to feel as strongly as you do, just reading your posts here is very touching.
> 
> I really feel the laws need changed in favor of men to protect themselves from some of these situations though...( if the wife was unfaithful)... they get a divorce & he has to pay for the rest of his life...I do find it a terrible injustice. I feel the wife should reap those costs herself. I know it's not the child's fault though...this is what get's lost in this mess when people are unfaithful to each other......


Thank you, but I am actually a mom. It's hard to tell by my user name though. 

I also agree with you that the laws need to change in favor of men to protect them. I never really thought about it much, but now that I have a son I would be beyond livid if a woman did this to him.


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## LadybugMomma

larry.gray said:


> This doesn't apply to the OP since he mentioned he is in Canada, but FYI:
> 
> That was one true but is no longer in 47 states. In the last decade men's rights groups have been very effective in getting the law changed due to the wide availability of DNA paternity testing and the injustice of just what you are describing.


I live in NY. My husband is currently going through something similar. His ex cheated on him during their marriage. During the time their son was conceived, they had no intimate moments. Now, (after three years divorced) she's going after him for child support. He brought up to his lawyer that he questions whether he's bio dad or not. His lawyer told him since he was married when the child was conceived, he is "presumed" to be the dad. He asked if he could do a paternity test and she said the only way he could, is if the other potential dad wanted to know. Being that the other man has no idea, my husband will never know if he's bio dad and will always be financially responsible for the boy. And the only way a paternity test can be done (from what I've been told) is with an order from the court or by doctors request.


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## jb02157

I've had lots of experience with things that women say just to get you mad. Personally, I think that saying that one of your children is not yours is a little out of bounds but for some women, nothing is out of bounds. I'm fairly sure that she's just saying this based on the information in your post.


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## Manchester

CynthiaDe said:


> Welcome to forums, Jessica. You are posting on a thread that was last posted in January 3, 2013. The OP is long gone.


You are welcoming a spammer who is not only posting links to commercial websites on every post but also being more annoying by bumping old threads.

The spammer has been reported by yours truly so no need for anyone else to do it.


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## MattMatt

Thank you.


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