# over sensitive with critism



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

First of all, thanks to those who gave advice to my previous issue..it is difficult to reply via mobile phone.

Now, straight to the question:
How can I stop feeling insecure when my husband point out my flaws?

Details:
It always goes this way -
Right after my husband point it out to me , directly, that there were dirt in my toenails edges,that I have a big protruding tummy fat, and that I have a darken skin in between my butt cheeks.. Negative thoughts/ insecurity start to creep in. I began to doubt if he ever attracted to me.. I doubt that I am beautiful..and then I began to feel that he married me just because he settled for less. I wish he would compliment the good things about me in terms of personality and physical..more than pointing out my flaws and mistakes. It always end up me crying, and often verbally attack him.. Saying he should look in the mirror himself, or that he should appreciate what he has..and this sometimes end up with arguments and resentments.
I feel like I am never good enough, and that I feel he puts too much importance on appearance. I wish he would remind me to remember god or to do good deeds than to demand me to focus so much on appearance.

I am the one that compliment that he is hot or attractive or a good person... More than he say those to me. He shows his love through actions. Hr does care and loves me.. by actions such as have more sex when I feel unattractive.

My husband grew up in a loving but (in my opinion) a bit controlling family. My parents in laws like to have a say in even the trivial things. Hence details and flaws are easily spotted by him and he feels that he has a right to correct people.

While I grew up with parents that are too easy going. Everything goes...to the extend that they dont care if a daughter comes back late or early.. I wished they had shared some wisdom in my decision making.


My husband's love language is act of service followed by verbal validation.
While I thrive on verbal affections and physical touch.


Any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I don't think you can 'stop' feeling insecure with yourself when the person you love nitpicks and belittles you. It is simply nothing more but a natural response.

He is basically telling you that you need to take better care of yourself because he may be getting grossed out by your physical problems.

If you don't want to feel insecure.. then fix the problem; otherwise, he will continue to try to find faults that you have which will lead to you feeling insecure.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> If you don't want to feel insecure.. then fix the problem; otherwise, he will continue to try to find faults that you have which will lead to you feeling insecure.


So because her husband is probably watching too much porn where the girls anal areas are all bleached, the OP now has to have her anal area bleached too? I'm sure the area between HIS buttcheeks isn't exactly light skinned either.

How about he just learns to keep his mouth shut?


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Is she asking advice for 'telling him to keep his mouth shut' or of her 'to stop feeling insecure about his criticism'?

Thank you, come again.


----------



## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Question for you, how does he react if/when you point out any flaws of his? I ask because if you do and he is accepting that is different because right now what he has told you is not cool. I have seen a lot of things on here of people being over sensitive, but I don't see that here yet. I mean no offense but him pointing out to you of a pointy tummy is pretty cruel and I wouldn't take that. I don't know your other posts but do you ever get positive compliments from him at all?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I think anyone would feel insecure in your shoes OP. I know I would.

Have you told your husband how it makes you feel when he belittles you like that? If you have and it hasn't worked, try giving him a taste of his own medicine - point out some of his flaws and see how quickly he shuts up.

I wouldn't normally say such a thing but sometimes, with critical people, it's the only thing they understand.


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

wise said:


> I don't think you can 'stop' feeling insecure with yourself when the person you love nitpicks and belittles you. It is simply nothing more but a natural response.
> 
> He is basically telling you that you need to take better care of yourself because he may be getting grossed out by your physical problems.
> 
> If you don't want to feel insecure.. then fix the problem; otherwise, he will continue to try to find faults that you have which will lead to you feeling insecure.


Thanks, wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

He seems highly critical. Marriage 101 is you don't ever call your woman fat, tell her any intimate part is anything but perfect, or criticize some tiny flaw. Even the dopiest husbands understand that. Is he Autistic or something?


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> Question for you, how does he react if/when you point out any flaws of his? I ask because if you do and he is accepting that is different because right now what he has told you is not cool. I have seen a lot of things on here of people being over sensitive, but I don't see that here yet. I mean no offense but him pointing out to you of a pointy tummy is pretty cruel and I wouldn't take that. I don't know your other posts but do you ever get positive compliments from him at all?



Just this morning he said, "wow, big tummy"
And I replied, "you have one too"

He became defensive. He said, "you breastfeed" hence I shouldn't have a big tummy.
I said, "you have a gym"
He said there's the gym for me too.

Lol. This is funny now.

I just wish he is respectful when pointing out flaws.
If he had said " do you plan to do something later with your tummy?" or "I like you better when you have smaller tummy"
Then I would be much receptive. But the way he points it out is as if he is superior and has the right criticize even if the other person didn't ask for it.

Thanks eagle3.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I think anyone would feel insecure in your shoes OP. I know I would.
> 
> Have you told your husband how it makes you feel when he belittles you like that? If you have and it hasn't worked, try giving him a taste of his own medicine - point out some of his flaws and see how quickly he shuts up.
> 
> I wouldn't normally say such a thing but sometimes, with critical people, it's the only thing they understand.


Frusdil,
I plan to tell him in a better way later when he is back from work.

I was too emotional this morning that I texted him

"your comment made me feel unattractive and unwanted"
Then later, "I deserve a better man than you"
Fh
I think the second text is a bit too much..i am going to apologize to him later.


Thanks, Frusdil.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

seeking sanity said:


> He seems highly critical. Marriage 101 is you don't ever call your woman fat, tell her any intimate part is anything but perfect, or criticize some tiny flaw. Even the dopiest husbands understand that. Is he Autistic or something?


I wouldn't say he is highly critical. But thanks for the reply.
Just out of curiosity, are you a female or male poster?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> So because her husband is probably watching too much porn where the girls anal areas are all bleached, the OP now has to have her anal area bleached too? I'm sure the area between HIS buttcheeks isn't exactly light skinned either.
> 
> How about he just learns to keep his mouth shut?


Thanks for the feedback, soccermum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Has he always done this or is this new? I agree that you tell him how you feel when you are less emotional. After you really 
explain to him how he's words make you feel, if he continues to do it regardless if how you feel and what you have said to him, 
then it's no longer really about him and what he's saying. It then becomes about you and what you continue to allow in your life. 
If it hasn't already, at some point it will chip away at your self esteem. Verbal/emotional abuse never turns out good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

Why don't you make a check list which include such things as finger nails, toe nails, belly girth, hair line, nose hair, man-scaping, etc. Have three columns: acceptable, unacceptable and needs work. 

When you get to that special one, tell him to drop his draws, turn around and bend over


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I find the idea of criticizing my wife's body to be a very stupid one if I ever expect her to have sex with me. Are there men alive that don't know this? Maybe he needs some teaching.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

wise said:


> I don't think you can 'stop' feeling insecure with yourself when the person you love nitpicks and belittles you. It is simply nothing more but a natural response.
> 
> He is basically telling you that you need to take better care of yourself because he may be getting grossed out by your physical problems.
> 
> If you don't want to feel insecure.. then fix the problem; otherwise, he will continue to try to find faults that you have which will lead to you feeling insecure.


When they start fault finding, don't they get BETTER at proving their case, so it's something that normally is not corrected?


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

yours4ever said:


> Just this morning he said, "wow, big tummy"
> And I replied, "you have one too"
> 
> He became defensive. He said, "you breastfeed" hence I shouldn't have a big tummy.
> ...


Based on your posts, I'm not sure if he is actually criticizing you or not. It sounds like yes, sometimes he is, but it also sounds like he is making an observation sometimes (dirt in toenails) and you're having a bad reaction to it. He obviously is insensitive, but YOU are in control of your own thoughts and feelings.

I have a belly on me. I HATE it! I had a flat stomach until I was in my mid-30s, and then it ballooned! I feel pretty self-conscious about it, but I do NOT want to appear insecure or weak, so although I will honestly say I dislike it, I also have fun with it. It's silly to raise my shirt and grab it, and roll it around like it's bread dough, but I do this to get a laugh sometimes. I call it my food baby. I grab it and jiggle it like Jello and remind him that it's a well-cushioned place for him to lay his head while we watch tv. 

If I haven't shaved my legs, he sometimes notices. I'll say, "I thought you might need to grate some cheese this week." (And when I shower that night, I make sure to shave!)

I think doing this stuff makes these "flaws" seem familiar and almost "friendly" to him. He NEVER tells me I should get to a gym. If he did, I'd use his credit card to buy the most expensive gym membership ever, and then would tell him that I had no plans to actually go, just wanted him to feel good that he'd provided me the means. I'm snarky like that. 

Can you find reasons to laugh at the appearance things he's bringing up? They're a part of the whole, lovable you that he married! Remind him of that and give him reasons to celebrate those things.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> and that I have a darken skin in between my butt cheeks..



 Uhhh.... isn't that normal????


Or does he expect you to do this: Anal bleaching - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------

