# Do you see other people during reconciliation?



## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

I posted my story before, but here is the quick version. My husband left our family for another woman from Colombia, South America, a year ago. We divorced because they planned to marry. They dated six months and he broke it off because “she was a nag.” He immediately wanted to get back together with me. Not formally reconcile, but see if we could meet each other’s needs and get past the affair. 

We have been “reconciling” for six months. He started a new job recently and has just told me that he needs to get his head on straight and seek some therapy for what happened with the affair. He only wants us to be cordial co-parents right now. He will be dating other women because he says at his new job “there are some women that are interested in him.” He says he definitely wants to get back together with me after he gets his head on straight. After he is straightened out, he says he wants to “win me back.” 

This doesn't make sense to me, but he is dead serious. If he wanted to do some serious work on himself, why see other women? In the meantime, I wait around having no relationship with him and put “reconciliation” on hold. Anyone else get his logic on how this is in any way a good thing for us?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The simple answer is 'no'. You will be his perpetual second, third, or fourth choice. He only wants you because you are there.

He is treating you with a great amount of disrespect and is taking you for granted. You are better than that and you should be rid of him ASAP.


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## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

MovingAhead said:


> The simple answer is 'no'. You will be his perpetual second, third, or fourth choice. He only wants you because you are there.
> 
> He is treating you with a great amount of disrespect and is taking you for granted. You are better than that and you should be rid of him ASAP.


Thanks. I really just needed at least one person to tell me that so I didn't feel like I was going insane!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He's either single or married, he's using you as plan b or now plan c.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

In other words he wants you on standby while he's free to have his fun with other women knowing that he'll have you, his plan B (or C or even D) waiting for him if things don't work out with someone else.

Sorry but from what you've told us, you're not actually in reconciliation. Not even close.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Where the hell do these men get these ideas from, that us women will just pine away for them while they go out and screw whoever they want to ?!?!?!

You guys are not 'reconciling'. Don't even use that word to describe what you're doing. Your ex-husband is a jackass. Get rid of him right now and start living your life free of his brand of stupidity.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Your serious??? This guy is garbage. You need to get into individual councilling today. You have low self esteem issues, if you honestly think this is ok. People with their head on straight would run from this. Protect your child from this loser and cut all ties with him. 
Sorry your here but please get outside help asap. Start a 180. If you've been here for awhile you know what you need to do. Don't be a doormat to this creep. You can do much better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> Where the hell do these men get these ideas from, that us women will just pine away for them while they go out and screw whoever they want to ?!?!?!
> 
> You guys are not 'reconciling'. Don't even use that word to describe what you're doing. Your ex-husband is a jackass. Get rid of him right now and start living your life free of his brand of stupidity.


Because it apparently works...

To the OP, I'm surprised you would even consider his proposal. And to be honest, even if he was to turn around now and say "ok, I'm all in for the marriage", I think you should tell him that ship has sailed. He's shown you repeatedly that as soon as someone with tata's flashes him a smile, his only thought is about her. Not his family, and clearly not you. He's not remorseful for what he did. And it's only a matter of time before the next one comes along. 

I haven't seen anyone in awhile get such a clear picture of what they can expect in a relationship. Please learn from this. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

He is not committed to the relationship, therefore it is not reconciliation. Further, his treatment of you is heartless and selfish.

If he moved back in with you, it is time for him to move out again. He will clearly treat you badly for as long as you allow it.


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## SlowlyHealing (Jan 19, 2014)

Oh, I am not considering going along with this at all! I told him that I thought it was good to seek therapy, however, if he dated other women and put me on hold, the damage to our relationship would be irreparable and we could never get back together. So he knows how I feel. His response was that he will take his chances, that this was his "plan" and he was serious about us getting back together. Thanks for all the replies!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

It's not the head on top of his shoulders that he's interested in "getting straight." It's unbelievable that he would think someone would fall for this nonsense. Dump him for good.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ugh, you deserve so much better. Tell him to stick his plan where the sun don't shine! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_Where the hell do these men get these ideas from, that us women will just pine away for them while they go out and screw whoever they want to ?!?!?!_

In this particular case I think it's because he dumped the op for another woman, but she took him back when that didn't work out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The next time he calls say hi Bill, unless his name is Bill.. Go out and find a real man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Ugh, you deserve so much better. Tell him to stick his plan where the sun don't shine!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

180 him. And tell him that cordial co-parenting just left town.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

SlowlyHealing said:


> I posted my story before, but here is the quick version. My husband left our family for another woman from Colombia, South America, a year ago. We divorced because they planned to marry. They dated six months and he broke it off because “she was a nag.” He immediately wanted to get back together with me. Not formally reconcile, but see if we could meet each other’s needs and get past the affair.
> 
> We have been “reconciling” for six months. He started a new job recently and has just told me that he needs to get his head on straight and seek some therapy for what happened with the affair. He only wants us to be cordial co-parents right now. *He will be dating other women because he says at his new job “there are some women that are interested in him.” He says he definitely wants to get back together with me after he gets his head on straight. After he is straightened out, he says he wants to “win me back.” *
> This doesn't make sense to me, but he is dead serious. If he wanted to do some serious work on himself, why see other women? In the meantime, I wait around having no relationship with him and put “reconciliation” on hold. Anyone else get his logic on how this is in any way a good thing for us?


Yeah, after he's sown his wild oats, and a goodly portion of his "pollen" among the local ladies, he'll be just only too happy to come home to his sweet, loyal, faithful, forgiving wife who will gladly take him back into her arms as though nothing has happened. Oh, come on lady. If you're willing to put up with those unbelievable terms that he's set down for you, then be prepared for further times of "getting his head on straight" in the future. I'm not sure you're even his second choice. Don't put up with this bs! You're already divorced. Count yourself lucky and tell this horny jerk to just buzz off and spread his pollen wherever he wants to....you're NOT interested in playing his stupid little games! My God! The unmitigated nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me!!! Good luck.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

SlowlyHealing,

He is an idiot and you should just cut all unnecessary contact and move on.

His 'plan' is a disrespectful and insulting manipulation of your emotions.

Don't let him get away with it.

Move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

But worse than of that her Ex is "selfish".

You should keep him your Slowly Healing.

You can certainly do better. And you deserve better.

HM


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

SlowlyHealing said:


> I posted my story before, but here is the quick version. My husband left our family for another woman from Colombia, South America, a year ago. We divorced because they planned to marry. They dated six months and he broke it off because “she was a nag.” He immediately wanted to get back together with me. Not formally reconcile, but see if we could meet each other’s needs and get past the affair.
> 
> We have been “reconciling” for six months. He started a new job recently and has just told me that he needs to get his head on straight and seek some therapy for what happened with the affair. He only wants us to be cordial co-parents right now. He will be dating other women because he says at his new job “there are some women that are interested in him.” He says he definitely wants to get back together with me after he gets his head on straight. After he is straightened out, he says he wants to “win me back.”
> 
> This doesn't make sense to me, but he is dead serious. If he wanted to do some serious work on himself, why see other women? In the meantime, I wait around having no relationship with him and put “reconciliation” on hold. Anyone else get his logic on how this is in any way a good thing for us?


There is no seeing other people during reconciliation and if that's the case he's not trying to reconcile in my opinion.

It's not a good thing for you guys, sounds like he wants to keep the opinion of you guys reconciling open while he is still doing his philandering.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Your H is talking crazy. 

He wants to cheat and continue to cheat and then reconcile.

This is not a reconciliation.

How would he feel if you cheated?


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

That is almost as bad as asking to bring a girlfriend along on your honeymoon. Well maybe not that bad but pretty close.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

_*What he really wants*_


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