# Should I Go to My Sister-In-Laws Wedding?



## Sunny1

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, we have spent the entirety of our marriage fighting because of my in-laws, specifically my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. 

To make a long story short, the two of them ruined our wedding. During the process of trying to plan it they threw a fit about everything( this was my 2nd marriage, his 1st.) My husband, ever the mediator wouldn't allow me to plan anything until everything was "fixed" as we were jointly paying for the wedding. Needless to say, it couldn't be fixed.

After a short time many other family members, including my MIL's own mother pulled me aside to apologize for her behavior, apparently she always acted like this...vicariously living through her 22 year old daughter and just controlling her son. The wedding came down to the fact the my SIL wasn't the center of attention and the two of them weren't planning it. ( I later found out that my SIL had been recieving subscritions to wedding magazines for several years!...and not seriously dating anyone! Around Easter of this year my SIL announced she was engaged, my first question was , to who? And the second thing I said was, we will have no part in her wedding and I won't even be in the same country, I think it'll be a fine time to go on that tour of Italy I've always wanted to do. 

For me the wound is still very deep and fresh. My wedding had no decorations, no flowers, it was everything I DIDN'T want it to be. I had wanted to drive to Myrtle Beach and have a small beach wedding with whatever family and friends could make it. Being my second, I knew only my very immediate family would show. My MIL HAD to have a church wedding, hated the bridesmaids dress color (it did show too much cleavage which I said from the beginning would have to be altered, but she refused to hear that) I got a half an hour lecture from my SIL about how "special " she is in the family and could't ever wear anything like that bridesmaid dress...the one that needed altered. As I was getting the lecture from her, she had some pretty hefty cleavage peering from her top...this I've had to watch from them both for the last year. (The dinner table on Christmas day was the best, my SIL's bra was showing from the front of her shirt, she looked like a Victoria's Secret add.

I've had to endure them ruining my wedding, badmouthing me, both of them have called me a liar, and theirbalatant hypocrisy disgusts mme.

So after the announcement of my SIL's wedding the invitation showed up, in the colors I had origionally picked for my wedding, I said enoug is enough. I'm planning my trip! My husband thinks I'm being selfish, I told him maybe a little, but if I went to her wedding, I'm afraid I just might dump the cake on her and my MIL. 

My husband has finally after some time seen the real issue at hand, but he never stood up for me when he should have at the beginning, he realizes that now. Our marital problems stem from that, so whether or not I go to my SIL's wedding won't fix anything, I know that I am bitter and angry, but as I said, the wound is still fresh, and I've been watching her plan everything that should have been at my wedding...down to the colors

Is it wrong of me to not go? If this had come several years down the road I might be more calm, but I'm just not there yet. At first I told my husband that he would be disrespecting me if he went allso, I realize now that he should go, but I don't think I should heave to sit back and watch any more of it. My husband suprisingly, refuses to be in the wedding, this I'm proud of him for(My SIL desperately wanted to get married, so basically no one knows who she is marrying, my husband won't support her on that angle.)


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## Blanca

I dont necessarily think its wrong of you not to go. if you are upset about everything that has happened i think you have a right to distance yourself from such dysfunction. but the only thing you'd have to worry about is these people are going to be in your life as long as you are married to your H, and depending on how your H handles it, the issue will creep into your marriage and it wont really be about your SIL anymore. 

I have some serious issues with my in-laws also. i have distanced myself from them, too. I didnt go to my BIL's college graduation, didnt go see them at xmas (even though my H went) and they are not allowed to stay at my place. but i didnt just draw the line in the sand and say that his family is nuts and i want nothing to do with them. I told him right now it is not healthy for me to be involved with them, and until he sets healthy boundaries with them, i dont want to be part of it. But i encourage my H to be involved and resolve the unhealthy boundaries. The last thing i want is for him to feel he has to choose between me and his family. I would never want someone to ask me to do that; and i would never ask anyone else to do that. So i encourage him to be part of their lives, but let him know that for me it is not healthy right now. 

i told my H that even if his family remains dysfunctional, i dont really care. but i do care how he handles it and that is what i focus on.


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## Amplexor

I am sorry you were treated the way you were during your wedding. The wedding day should be what the couple wants, not outsiders.

But I feel you should go. You are married to your husband and he will always be son and brother to your in-laws. While if the riff is huge I can understand not wanting to spend time on a regular basis but going to a wedding and sucking it up for a few hours would be a wise investment in building a healthier relationship with them. This appears to be important for your husband also so you should support him in this. 

It is a difficult thing I know but not going will be a slap in the face not soon forgotten.


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## preso

I'd go but I'd not talk much or stay long at the recpetion. be civil and cordial........ keep from gossiping about her and just be civil.
I'd sure go and show her how mature and forgiving you can be.

Be sure if you do go, you don't bring any attiude with you.


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## Sunny1

Easier said than done, like I said, I'm really afraid that I might throw her wedding cake on her.
Not to mention, they're (MIL and SIL) already worried that I might try to ruin her wedding (guess they know they're guilty of ruing mine) I've told my H that "no, I have a little more respect than they have for someone else's wedding, which is namely the reason that I don't think I should go at this point"

Recently we were at a beach and overheard/watched a wedding taking place, I broke down angry at him "that should've been us if you've had the balls to stand up to your mother..." you get the idea. I'm still an emotionl mess over the issue and don't think I can handle going to the "enemy's" wedding just yet.

I'm angry and bitter that she's able to plan her wedding, let alone just how I had wanted mine...what a slap in the face this has all been.


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## preso

Sunny1 said:


> Easier said than done, like I said, I'm really afraid that I might throw her wedding cake on her.
> Not to mention, they're (MIL and SIL) already worried that I might try to ruin her wedding (guess they know they're guilty of ruing mine) I've told my H that "no, I have a little more respect than they have for someone else's wedding, which is namely the reason that I don't think I should go at this point"
> 
> Recently we were at a beach and overheard/watched a wedding taking place, I broke down angry at him "that should've been us if you've had the balls to stand up to your mother..." you get the idea. I'm still an emotionl mess over the issue and don't think I can handle going to the "enemy's" wedding just yet.
> 
> I'm angry and bitter that she's able to plan her wedding, let alone just how I had wanted mine...what a slap in the face this has all been.


You know... I had to go to a funeral one time with some relatives I can't stand !!!!!!!!!!!
I went to my doctor and told him the problem and asked he give me some valium so I could attend.
I tried some out a day before the funeral ( it was a 3 day funeral for gods sake .. ugh) to see how it was and how it reacted on me. The day of the funeral, when I went ( I guess its called the viewing of the body, a 3 day event , which is really stupid in my eyes)...

I took some and it went wonderfully. I went with a friend who knew I was taking the valium and I just sat and smiled. Nothing bothered me and even when they attempted to screw with me, I didn't care because I wasn't focused enough to even catch what they were saying.
Might have ticked them off too, as I wasn't bothered in the least.
I sure loved that valium and asked my doctor for more ( he only gave nme a few days supply ) and he said NO !!! 
I was deeply sad as if I were ever to be hooked on any drug, that one would be my preference.
Maybe you can do the same and get some valium? It sure worked well for me !!!
Your husband and you is all that needs to know. Drugs used like that, are what drugs were intended to do... thats not abuse, its the best possible USE of medication.

I do want to note:
a few days after the funeral was over, I did not have valium and almost kicked one of my relatives butt... but the good part was, he never messed with me again and I think he is a little afraid of me now too... lol...
which is a good thing and keeps him from messing with me.


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## Sunny1

If she were dead, I'd definitely go...heck I'd be the first one in the door to say goodbye! I can handle some of the other family functions...but the one that is the biggest slap in the face, I don't think I can handle right now.


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## preso

Sunny1 said:


> If she were dead, I'd definitely go...heck I'd be the first one in the door to say goodbye! I can handle some of the other family functions...but the one that is the biggest slap in the face, I don't think I can handle right now.



I know the feeling, thats how I felt about the relatives being at the funeral.
Keep the valium in mind... its just an idea...
but it worked for me. 
In the event you go... thats the way to go ! ( sedated)


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## GPR

Are you actually IN the wedding, or do you just have to attend?

If it is just attending, just go... it's no big deal. Show up to the church, make your appearance at the reception, then you can be on your way.

With people like this, you know you will get more of a rise out of them if act like the bigger person and don't give in to them. If they are bad mouthing you, they want to get a rise out of you. And they end up looking like the a-holes if they do all of the talking and you act like a normal civilized human being.


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## MsStacy

I am a little conflicted....not real sure what I would do. The good part of me says I would go to the wedding ceremony IF it was truly important to my husband. I would sit there, small smile, chat with other family (if I liked them and if I had to). I would be the bigger person. I would not give them a reason to bad mouth me because I did not attend. But I would be right behind the procession...first guest out the door...no greeting line or anything. If hubby wants to stay for the reception, fine, I would not.

But on the other hand, I don't see anything wrong with you not going. If you feel this strongly about it, don't go and don't feel bad about it. Don't make your husband choose between you and his family, that isn't right and will only cause larger problems down the road. Support him if he chooses to go, but I don't see any reason that you have to "suck it up" and go.

When it comes down to it....would you like to show them you can be the bigger person? If you're not ready to do that yet, another opportunity will come. I feel you are justified in not going if that is what you choose.


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## 1nurse

Your problem is bigger I'm afraid than deciding to go to this wedding. I think the in-law boundaries problem is going to destroy your marriage. It's SOO true when you marry someone you marry their whole family. You're going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Also don't look to your husband to intervene and stand up to his family. I think if that were going to happen he would have done that by now. You made the decision to marry him so now your stuck. Here are your options the way I see it.
1. Put up with them, be gracious and say nothing. 
2. Continue to ***** and drive a bigger wedge between
you and your husband and in-laws.
3. Leave now and not make the same mistake with the 
next one. 

Sorry to say but what else are you going to do?? When I start dating and I have problems with the boyfriend's family I'm going to bale. Despite the fact I may care for him a great deal. The problem is people will always almost side with their family, not their significant other. You can't do anything to change that. Sad but true. Good Luck.


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## dcrim

No, don't go. Let H go. When you're asked why you won't be there...tell anyone to go pi$$ up a rope! 

Just in a cynical mood...so many people actively pi$$ others off on purpose. Save your dignity...stay away.


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## Sandy55

Sigh. I KNOW you were hurt by all that went down over your own wedding. Yadda, yadda, yadda....know what I _mean_? 

As you go through this life you are going to find bigger fish to fry than what color and whatever other things you didn't get to use at your wedding. Holding grudges and being angry for days, weeks, months, or even YEARS does WHAT for YOU? Makes you a bitter, old person at the end of it all!

IF you cannot rise above this and control yourself, then stay the heck home.

IF you want to become a BIGGER person than these people: go to the wedding, be gracious and kind, look incredibly beautiful, HAPPY, and blow them away.....with your CLASSINESS.

That is something you _may_:scratchhead: have and they obviously don't have.

And by the WAY: You and DH go plan a small wedding ALONE on your anniversary, on the beach, in the dress you want....etc. Take PHOTOS and forget the "old" wedding. Don't invite "the others".


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## dcrim

Sandy55 said:


> And by the WAY: You and DH go plan a small wedding ALONE on your anniversary, on the beach, in the dress you want....etc. Take PHOTOS and forget the "old" wedding. Don't invite "the others".


ABSOLUTELY!! :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## reesespieces

Wow Sunny I can relate to you in so many ways.

When my wedding was being planned, it was my own family that gave me hell. There were only a scant few things that I was allowed to pick out on my own, whereas the rest of my family was telling me that I was out to embarrass them with my "poor choices" and "what would these people think if they came" along with "I'm not coming to the wedding unless you...". It was ridiculous and even though it's been over a year, the wounds are still fresh. I am still resentful because it's as if noone cared about the fact that this day was supposed to be MY day-- a day that I will only get once in my life, a day that you'd think it would be oka for me to be a tiny bit selfish. Oh no, it couldn't be like that.

The wedding cost too much, some of the decorations were waaaaay over the top (it got to the point where a girl I invited to the wedding started to feel bad while preparing for her own because she realized she didn't have the money to do the same), money was spent on items that never got used because people "said" they were going to show up yet never did, and how thoughtless people can be to not even pay attention to a simple time to show up for and instead, while my husband and I were walking out of the church, a family showed up and demanded to know if the wedding was _already_ done. :scratchhead:

I can see where you are coming from. In fact, because of my own experience, I would tell you that I wouldn't go to the wedding. What I would do instead is not send back the invitation to go-- if your husband wants to go, he can do that. Honestly, men will never know how much of a big deal weddings are to women and how these wounds take a long time to heal. If you ever got a phone call about if you're attending, simply say "you know what, I am still hurt by your behavior from my own wedding and I think it's best if I don't come. I wish you the best on your day. Bye."

This way you're letting her know that her behavior was unacceptable, you are being polite, and you're both going on your ways. It's better to know what your limits are rather than going, looking angry, sullen, or upset, or putting on a fake smile (which believe me people WILL see through). 

I also have an acquaintance whose sister-in-law did similar things to her for the wedding that your SIL did to you. She told me how her SIL complained about the littlest things, and all of her in-laws told her that if she didn't acquiesce to the SIL's demands, SHE would be the one at fault, not the SIL. Needless to say, she doesn't have much to do with the SIL after she and her husband got married.


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## Zebra Doll

GPR said:


> Are you actually IN the wedding, or do you just have to attend?
> 
> If it is just attending, just go... it's no big deal. Show up to the church, make your appearance at the reception, then you can be on your way.
> 
> With people like this, you know you will get more of a rise out of them if act like the bigger person and don't give in to them. If they are bad mouthing you, they want to get a rise out of you. And they end up looking like the a-holes if they do all of the talking and you act like a normal civilized human being.


I have to agree with this one.


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