# Are we just not compatible?



## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

I was looking for some thoughts and ideas on how to handle what I've been going through.

He and I have been together for about a year. Things were great in the beginning and he went above and beyond to be attentive to me. We lived in different states, but the distance didn't appear to be an issue for us. We'd call, text and email constantly.

Fast forward about 7 months, and I moved to his city. Please note that the move had very little to do with him. I had been planning to move to his city long before I met him. I had been looking for a job that would allow me to relocate and I was also looking to sell my house. Things finally worked out about 7 months after we started dating. Of course having him close was a big plus, but I would have moved to his city regardless. It was just a matter of time.

While I was finalizing the sale of my house and looking for a new place to live, he invited me to stay with him. That wasn't my original plan. I had already looked at rooms to rent while I was looking for my own apartment or house. I thought his offer was nice and decided to give it a try - with a bit of hesitation, of course.

Things worked out really well and a few weeks later when I was getting ready to rent a place (the sale of my house was close to being finalized at that point), he told me I didn't have to move out. He asked me if I was happy living with him (I said I was, and I certainly was) and he said he was much happier living together with me. We decided that we'd start living together, this time officially. 

Things were great for a while, until I started to notice certain things that I either overlooked in the beginning or that they didn't bother me that much initially. Some of those issues were:

1) His ex is still in contact with him. She would often text and call him, saying things like "I love you". Though he rarely replied back to her, it bothered me that he would allow her to remain contacting him. He said ignoring her was the best strategy and that he had tried other things in the past, which didn't work.

2) He doesn't like to share much with me. If we are watching TV and someone texts him late at night, he won't say a word about whom it is and what they are texting about. It makes me feel insecure and wonder what's going on.

3) After a year together, he says he still doesn't love me. He told me the same thing once, within 2 months of being together. I had never said "I love you" to him at the time and I didn't think 2 months was enough time to feel love for someone. When I asked him the same question about a month ago, he said his answer was the same as the one he had given me in the beginning of our relationship.

4) Low sex drive. He is about 11 years older than me and claims that he has had low libido most of his life. However, I know he looks at porn. How can someone with low libido be interested in porn?

5) Our fights. When we fight, it doesn't take long for him to get very angry and shut down. He will refuse to have a conversation. Once the anger has gone away after a few days, he acts like nothing happened and won't try to address the issues that caused the argument and have yet to be resolved. If I try to reengage the conversation, he will get mad immediately and ignore me. He'll also say I should move out during pretty much every fight. So lately every fight ends with him wanting to break up. It's so hard to be with someone who is not willing to work on the issues together. 

Now let me give you some background on my relationships. I have been very hurt in the past. My previous partner cheated on me several times and lied to me often. As a result, I have trust issues and I'm often suspicious about everything. I believe it's my way of trying to protect myself from being hurt again.

He knows about my past and he tells me he is not my ex. When I ask him about cheating and lying, he tells me that he won't make any promises that he won't cheat or lie to me. He says that promises are fake. He says that he is sure my ex made many promises that turned out not to be true, and he won't do that. At least he is honest, though it's so hard to hear from him that he won't promise not to lie to me or cheat on me. He says his actions mean more than his words and that I should look at his behavior over the past year, instead of asking him to say what I want to hear.

I'm so confused.  Sometimes I wonder if I am with someone who is unsuitable for me. When I ask him to do things such as stay in touch while he is at work, he says he is not the type of guy who will do that. He is often gone for 10, 11 hours for work and he'll make no contact with me. I don't ask him to contact me every hour, not even every day he is at work, but it's nice to hear from him once in a while. He refuses to.

I feel like I've tried to propose things that he can do to help me with my insecurity and trust issues, but he is not willing to help much. He says those are my issues and that I cannot expect him to fix them or help me with them. 

I have a huge issue with his ex contacting him and I've asked him to tell me every time she does, but he never says a word about it voluntarily. Whenever I ask him about it, he says there has been no contact. However, given that he has also stated that he cannot promise not to lie, how can I know for sure he is telling me the truth?

I also have an issue with flirting, especially given what I went through in my past relationship. I've told him about it, and he says that he does "innocent flirting", but I still don't buy it. It makes me very insecure to realize that he puts himself in that position.

Another issue that I can think of is his work. He works at a public place and can invite family and friends to hang out at his work venues. He used to invite me in the beginning of our relationship, but he doesn't do that anymore. He says I'm welcome to go whenever I want to, but what I'm looking for is for him to make me feel special and actually invite me. He won't do that. This past weekend he decided to invite his family and a friend to come over to his work, and only after that he said that I could come too. Then when we were there at the venue, he texted a female friend and asked her to come over. It didn't make me feel good at all. I expressed my feelings to him and he said that I should move out (once again). Then the next day he acted like nothing had happened and asked me if I was talking to him. It's this constant cycle.

Can you provide advice on how to handle this situation? 

Thank you very much!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sweetie, the man has told you to move out several times. Really, do it.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm sorry, but yes you are incompatible. You are trustworthy and have the potential to be faithful. He is not.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Here's what you said about him :

1. He doesn't love you 

2. He might lie to you if he feels like it 

3. Even though he knows you been hurt by this before he might cheat on you

4. He openly put himself in position to cheat on you by flirting 

5. The sex frequency is not enough 

6. It's just casual sex anyway because he doesn't love you or care about your feelings 

Is that kind of relationship worth staying in to you? It seem like none of your need are being met


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He may have felt at one time he wanted a relationship with you but he no longer does.

Living with him has shown you that you are not as important to him as he is to you. He has said he doesn't love you and often mentions that you should move out. You need to believe him.

As for low libido -- sounds like an excuse. Could be that porn is more important than sex with you.

You need to go back to your original plan and get your own place. And look for someone else.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Wonder2Woman said:


> Can you provide advice on how to handle this situation?
> 
> Thank you very much!


I think you already know the answer. The longer you stay with him, the longer you will not have your needs met by him. He appears to be unwilling and/or unable to commit to you, even though you are living with him. You are a roommate with benefits, and he doesn't have to love you, honor you, be truthful with you etc. and so forth.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My guess is that the reality of the relationship suited him much better when it was long distance.

He's invited you to move out. Repeatedly. He does not love you. And says so. I think you need to decide if you want to devote yourself to someone who neither loves you nor particularly wants you, and also doesn't seem to particularly care about you.

You're making a priority of someone for whom you are merely one of several interesting options. You are a fallback position for him - a Plan B, if you will. Do you want to spend your life as Plan B?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I would say he is making it pretty clear he does not love you or want to be with you. Time to move on down the road and find someone who will love you.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

It sounds like he will not accomidate on many levels. I'm sure you don't expect all the points you mentioned to be met, but some of them are boundaries that you stretch a bit for someone you care about. It sounds like you have been compartamentalized.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry. He's just not that into you. Time to move out & on.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

No one is compatible with a cheater
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Even if he said he loved you, and wanted you to stay, I'd still tell you to run from this man... None of us need to tell you this... he has already laid out the deal here... he does not love you, he wants you to move out....he's already told you in numerous ways he does not care about your wants (who he talks to, hearing from him at work), your needs sexually (porn is your replacement).... No brainer... lose the selfish User... men like this will take advantage and use as many women as will allow them...they are not relationship ready for anyone. 



> *Wonder2Woman said: *2) He doesn't like to share much with me. If we are watching TV and someone texts him late at night, he won't say a word about whom it is and what they are texting about. It makes me feel insecure and wonder what's going on.


 You have been cheated on and hurt before....this type of man...with sloppy boundaries, secrecy his middle name.... loves to flirt ,and hang with other women... do you want to slice your heart in 2 and have it stomped on some more....GET OUT NOW. DON'T LOOK BAD... If you are a faithful woman, do not settle for men like this.. realize your "picker" is broken, fight against it in the future. Get yourself together.. Good men exist... but this is NOT one of them.



> 4) Low sex drive. He is about 11 years older than me and claims that he has had low libido most of his life. However, I know he looks at porn. How can someone with low libido be interested in porn?


 Full of crap here...if he is Looking and feisting his eyes...and not bringing it back to you...he is whacking it...completely selfish to your needs... do you want a relationship with a LD selfish porn addict who leaves you high & dry, rejects you, and is yumming other women right in front of you.... You deserve better !! 



> 5) Our fights. When we fight, it doesn't take long for him to get very angry and shut down. He will refuse to have a conversation. Once the anger has gone away after a few days, he acts like nothing happened and won't try to address the issues that caused the argument and have yet to be resolved. If I try to reengage the conversation, he will get mad immediately and ignore me. He'll also say I should move out during pretty much every fight. So lately every fight ends with him wanting to break up. It's so hard to be with someone who is not willing to work on the issues together.


 There is nothing to work on, he has told you he doesn't want the relationship... you are actually pushing his boundaries here... but really.. 

Even if he wanted you to stay... given what you said here... The man has no self awareness, can not admit to any faults, shortcomings, he shows anger, then shuts down, he rug sweeps.. he is passive aggressive giving you the silent treatment......LORD... I can't think of any more Horrendous communication skills than this ! 

Stop the questioning... you have direction./ you have been given sound advice here... for the betterment of your own future & well being...... this man was a mistake...Pack your things and leave him NOW...


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## ionaetp (Jul 14, 2013)

You are trustworthy and have the potential to be faithful.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Soooo, what makes you stay????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

Regga said:


> Soooo, what makes you stay????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good question. I've been trying to figure that out myself. I really like him and we have great moments together, but sometimes I think that the cons outweigh the pros.

I guess I keep hoping that things will get better. It's hard for me to give up without really knowing if I've tried my all. I’m so confused.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wonder2Woman said:


> Good question. I've been trying to figure that out myself. I really like him and we have great moments together, but sometimes I think that the cons outweigh the pros.
> 
> I guess I keep hoping that things will get better. It's hard for me to give up without really knowing if I've tried my all. I’m so confused.


Things never get better in the situation you are in...you are pandering to him....allowing him to run you down, I would even say he has lost respect. He sees you as disposable.. these are not nice things but this IS how he is treating you...given what you have shared here... do not paint it a canvas that you admire.

The Cons heavily outweigh the Pros, see it for what it is. 

Now...IF you leave HIM, show you have a backbone after all and won't put up with his sh** and lousy treatment of you... there is a remote chance he will realize what he lost and come running after you....Kinda like..."don't know what you got till it's gone".... 

In my view, this is the the only answer.....and if he doesn't come after you....then you know you did the right thing for yourself....Do you have friends / family you can lean on emotionally during this time - to make this break?


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

You want to "try your all" on what? I get you are confused. 
Try thinking about what happiness looks like in a relationship. Your mate should be your best friend. Would you let your friends treat you like he does?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

Regga said:


> Soooo, what makes you stay????
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





SimplyAmorous said:


> Do you have friends / family you can lean on emotionally during this time - to make this break?


Thank you for taking the time to reply.

No, I really don't. My entire family lives in another country and we don't have a close relationship.

I need to be strong on my own.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Wonder2Woman said:


> Thank you for taking the time to reply.
> 
> No, I really don't. My entire family lives in another country and we don't have a close relationship.
> 
> I need to be strong on my own.


He's no good honey. I'm sorry. Don't take it upon yourself. He is a jackazz. You are not the first to get taken in by one so don't feel like you are "less than". Dump him and his flaming stupid ego!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Things will NOT get better.

A year should be the honeymoon period with someone. The time when ya'll are sweet and cute.

he sounds like a douche. I'm sure you can do better than that.


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Things will NOT get better.
> 
> A year should be the honeymoon period with someone. The time when ya'll are sweet and cute.
> 
> he sounds like a douche. I'm sure you can do better than that.


Yes, I agree. If things are the way they are and it's been a year, what can I expect for years 2 and 3? Not much....

He was telling me about this girl he met at work, and I started asking questions and he got really upset over it. He thought I was interrogating him. He felt hurt with all the questions and started hurting me back, by saying things like "oh yeah she and I had sex...then her friends showed up...and we all had group sex....etc etc" and he went on and on with his story. It's so hurtful and cruel, especially considering what I've been through in the past. 

When I finally had a chance to talk to him after I gave him some time to calm down, he said that if I continue to hurt him with my questions, insecurity and jealousy, he will hurt me back with stories that will feed my insecurity. 

I told him that there are things he can do to help me feel a bit better (I take responsibility for how I feel and I've never implied that he should "fix" my insecurity) and he said he will not put up with my insecurity anymore. He says he's never done anything wrong (cheated, been unfaithful, etc.) and that I'm always putting him under a microscope because of my insecurity.

Is it wrong to expect your partner to help you with that?


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

Regga said:


> You want to "try your all" on what? I get you are confused.
> Try thinking about what happiness looks like in a relationship. Your mate should be your best friend. Would you let your friends treat you like he does?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point. No, I wouldn't. If I had a friend who treated me like he has been treating me lately, I don't think I'd be friends with that person anymore.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He says he doesn't love you! Why in the world are you still there? Don't let a person treat you like this. Start loving yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It seems to me there is no relationship. He thought he wanted you but for whatever reason he changed his mind. 
Many men refuse to break it off and instead will push you away and make your life hell until you leave. 
Just leave before he gets worse.
Have some self respect. This is not a relationship.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wonder2Woman said:


> Yes, I agree. If things are the way they are and it's been a year, what can I expect for years 2 and 3? Not much....
> 
> He was telling me about this girl he met at work, and I started asking questions and he got really upset over it. He thought I was interrogating him. He felt hurt with all the questions and started hurting me back, by saying things like "oh yeah she and I had sex...then her friends showed up...and we all had group sex....etc etc" and he went on and on with his story. It's so hurtful and cruel, especially considering what I've been through in the past.
> 
> ...


He's not your partner. He's a guy waiting for you to leave.


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> He's not your partner. He's a guy waiting for you to leave.


Thank you, diwali123!


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

He told you that he doesn't love, TWICE. And, every time you fight, he tells you to move out. Does not seem like that relation is going anywhere.

Move on with your life and find someone who wants to fully commit to you, emotionally and physically.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I stopped reading after you wrote he said he still doesn't love you after being together for a year. If he doesn't love you now he isn't ever going to. You are wasting your time, move out, move on and you will find a man who will love you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

all I needed to read was that he tells you to leave after every fight. so that's how he deals with things. you haven't been listening to him. he tells you to get out over and over and over. and he doesn't love you. and he's mean (it's mean to "joke" that you've had group sex to retaliate for your normal concern). this guy isn't husband material or father material (if you want kids). He doesn't treat you nice. your his fair-weather friend. he only wants you around when things are peachy. when they're not - get out. you don't need someone like that.

you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

The best "rule of thumb" I ever received when I was dating for real, looking for a serious relationship, was:

*Remove from your life a person who does not care about your pain. *

Your posts describe someone who doesn't care that his actions hurt you. He belittles/negates your feelings and wants, and just goes on doing what he wants to do. 

It is important to separate out his behaviors from your self-worth. They are two different and unrelated items.

His behaviors are a reflection of him. He is belittling to you, because, at this point in his life, he is someone who is OK with treating another person in a disrespectful way.

Your self-worth has nothing to do with him. You are worthy of love and respect, because you are human. 

Love yourself, first. It is your job to protect yourself from harm. 
It becomes easier once you get started and are away from hurt and disrespect.

Once you are able to treat yourself in loving ways, you will not allow people who hurt you to remain close to you. You will not allow people closely in your life unless they are people who are kind, respectful, caring. 

You can get there! You deserve nothing less.


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## Wonder2Woman (Jun 16, 2011)

RoseAglow said:


> The best "rule of thumb" I ever received when I was dating for real, looking for a serious relationship, was:
> 
> *Remove from your life a person who does not care about your pain. *
> 
> ...



You post brought me to tears. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me!


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

He doesn't love you. There's nothing to work on here.

I'm sorry, you can't fix this. You can't make him love you and treat you properly.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sweetie, the man has told you to move out several times. Really, do it.


I agree. He has implied numerous times, it is time for you to go.

WWHT


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Wonder2Woman said:


> You post brought me to tears. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me!


I am glad you found the post helpful. Take care of yourself. Please keep posting, there are great people here and lots of support is available!


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