# There is always hope.



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

I thought I would write a bit about the situation I was in 10 years ago. I hope I can give it justice....it's so hard to write about details that happened that long ago...and I don't want to write a book here. I will try my best.

To say I married the women of my dreams would be an understatement. I married my best friend, my confedant, my lover and my second half…she was my world. I have had friends marry out of convenience, it was the logical next step. I have friends that married because there was a little one on the way. I have had friends marry because they told themselves that they should be married by such and such an age. I have had friend marry because they wanted to have a wedding party...I think. I married because I was trully head over heals blissfully in love and I wanted to spend the rest of my days with the women of my dreams. 

Three years and a baby boy later…my best friend came home from work one night and dropped a bomb that shattered my whole world. “I think I love him” she said to me and my heart stopped. 

That’s how I found out..on the porch of my home on a cool summer night. Suddenly, the last six months of my marriage started making sense…and all the lies unfolded before my eyes. All I was left with was the sickest feeling right in the pit of my gut that would not go away and questions that I could not get answers for.

Of course we all know this was just the beginning. What followed was the hardest year of my life.

Are you staying? Do you love me or him? Stay..go..stay..go...and on..and on...and on. This lasted about a month.

I moved out (200+ miles away). He moved in (as soon as the coast was clear). We would drive and meet at the halfway point to share my son, I had him most weekends. This went on for 3 months. The divorce papers had been filed.

Then came the "gas-lighting and blame shifting" I was made out to be the most selfish, sluggish, non-understanding person that ever walked the planet. I bought into this.

Then came the games. She wanted to work it out...so she moved back in with me. Said it was over between them..I bought into this too. I stopped the divorce proceedings.

We all know she didn't stop seeing him, of course. I lost my mind. She put a restraining order on me. No, I never laid a hand on her. This was her way of showing people how right she was...I was a d_ck! Just like she said I was. She moved in with her parents and continued her affair.

The divorce was back on...another $1200 to file...yippie!

We didn't speak for about a month.

I was dead inside..completely hollow. Battered, broken..and broke. I cried daily. I drove around a lot. What came next saved my life.

I don't recall the exact time it happened to me, all I can say it was when I was at my lowest. I was driving down the highway coming home from work...major rush hour traffic. I remember looking at the cars full of people and just *loathing* every single one of them. Don't these people know what I am going through? Don't they care? 

I was really losing control of my emotions....I was splitting in two!

Just then I pulled over...I had had enough! Enough of the pain...enough of the lies, enough of the guilt, enough...ENOUGH!

I got out of the car and dropped to my knees, right there on the shoulder of the road in the middle of rush hour traffic and prayed.

With hands folded and head bowed...I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for Jesus to take control and to lift my burdens. I gave it all to the Lord above. Everything...my sins, my pain....my life. I placed it all before His throne and asked Him to take it. I asked for His will to be done and not mine. I admitted that my wishes were nothing to His. I prayed.


I left that road side and drove strait to the bookstore and purchased my first Bible.

From that point on things got easier. 


Mind you...I was never a believer before.


So the story goes. I stayed glued to my Bible and to Christ day and night. I read and studied. I worked. I spent time with my son. I still loved my wife.


When the day came for the divorce to be finalized, I was in a good place. I was healed physically and emotionally. I was ready to be divorced and to move forward into being single again.

The judge gave me a chance to speak, I think...or I asked for the chance...can't really remember. All I remember from being in that courtroom was turning to my wife and saying "Honey, I love you...I don't want a divorce..I want to work it out."


We left hand in hand..proceeded to the diner across the street and had coffee. 

It's hard to recall all the horrible details of what happened 10 years ago. I can attest that it was like any of the hundreds of post on this board. The script remains the same it seems for so many people. However...I can remember vividly how it felt when I prayed that day on the side of the road. I can remember how it felt to hold my wife's hand walking to that diner. 

So how did you heal this relationship you ask?

No secret formula.

Although we didn't go to counseling. We got about every book there was on the subject...we studied, read, reflected. She came clean on everything. She corrected all of her lies she had told about me...reverse gas-lighting I guess. She took ownership of the affair. We worked as a team...we communicated...we took our time...and we kept Christ as our center..our Lord and our master.

best wishes,

GM


----------



## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you for writing this. I brings me much hope.

My husband wrote me an email from Iraq that he wanted a divorce and he wanted it all legal "right now." He seemed to be in such a hurry. We have been married almost 15 years and because I upset him one day, he wanted a divorce??? I never saw it coming (we had our normal problems mind you) but not to this extent. 
He refused to write or call for an entire month--even on our sons bday. Sad really. When he did finally call, he was very emotionally and mentally abusive to us (our children are 10, 12 and 13). He said he was ready to move on, was not in love with me but liked the person I was....w/e that is supposed to mean.
Well, he is deployed and I continued to support him- send him what he needed and extras that we had planned all along in our care packages. He called one day and told us not to send any more. Every time he needed something though, he would place a one line email and request something. So I was being the nice person and sending what he needed.
One day he called and we were talking, trying to come to some terms with this seperation/divorce thing. He said thank you for supporting my decision. And thanked me for my support by sending what he needed. WHAT???? I told him straight out...he had ruined this deployment for the kids and I. We had dreamed of supporting him and making sure he had tokens of our love- weekly care packages and email notes...the whole thing. He had completely turned our lives upside down and made us all on edge. I told him I DID NOT support his decision -- to divorce me -- and most certainly did not support his behavior. But what I did support was the Soldier I love and no matter what I wanted to do what I set out to do- so that if something were to happen, I would have no regrets. 
He went silent. I don't think he knew what to say. From that day on, I voiced my thoughts, stopped being his doormat and stopped sending packages. 
My silence taught him what it would be like to be without me and that "support." We are 3 months into R, I still struggle with the words he spoke to me in such anger and in the midst of the fog. I know he does not want to relive what he said, he is ashamed....but I need to know he is really sorry and he really has yet to take responsibility. I guess in time that will come.

There is always hope. It was my weekly visits to my chaplain that help me find my voice and gave me the strength to say what needed to be said. I want to live with no regrets- and know that I did what I needed to for my family, but more important for me.


----------



## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

Wow! There is certainly hope. I am so pleased it happened for you and that you and W are trying to work it out. Thank you for sharing, I hope my H will have an epiphany of some sort to try and make it work too.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

tess80 said:


> Wow! There is certainly hope. I am so pleased it happened for you and that you and W are trying to work it out. Thank you for sharing, I hope my H will have an epiphany of some sort to try and make it work too.



Tess,

We have worked it out...we walked out of that courtroom 10 years ago.

GM


----------



## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Geoffrey,
That was beautiful, thank you for sharing!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Geoffrey... I have a question if you don't mind, how did it start, did you have a gut feeling about it that something is wrong? What were your flaws in particular that made her do what she did?

Sorry to probe, but your story is my worst nightmare - aka "Everything fine then suddenly BOOM!" =/
Just wondering how I can possibly prevent it.


----------



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Your story truly brings hope GM!! I'm happy things have worked for you and your W. Your story has made my day! Thank you for sharing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

how is that Justice ?

the only thing you gained is your son only.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Geoffrey,

Inspiring. Thanks! My H and I walked out of a courtroom back on July 30 a year ago, hand in hand, calling off our divorce after 5 months of my world crumbling around me. We are still working through things and I feel something happened with him a few weeks ago... Things seem really strange (calm good), like he's a different person, for the good thankfully. It was shortly after I found the personals on his phone a few months ago.

Again, thanks for sharing your story!


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Wonderful story of reconciliation. Thank you for sharing.


----------



## tess80 (Mar 17, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Tess,
> 
> We have worked it out...we walked out of that courtroom 10 years ago.
> 
> GM


Apologies - I did read that bit. :scratchhead:

It would be a continual process for sure. I'm glad it HAS worked out for you and your W.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's wonderful that you guys reconciled and are still together. It's rare that this happens with these circumstances.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Geoffrey... I have a question if you don't mind, how did it start, did you have a gut feeling about it that something is wrong? What were your flaws in particular that made her do what she did?
> 
> Sorry to probe, but your story is my worst nightmare - aka "Everything fine then suddenly BOOM!" =/
> Just wondering how I can possibly prevent it.


I did have a gut feeling that something was wrong...but just figured we were having a rough patch. Nothing made me think she was cheating. It wasn't until I found out that all the pieces fell together.

As far as flaws...I don't know if that's the right word. I would say she made mistakes...so would she. She confided in the wrong individual (namely someone not me) and it spiraled out of control from there.

There was nothing that *made* her do it...it was her choice alone. A bad choice, yes...but still her choice.


Thanks,

GM


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

ArabianKnight said:


> how is that Justice ?
> 
> the only thing you gained is your son only.


Not sure what you're getting at here. I never was looking for justice.

I gained only my son? I think you missed the whole point. 

best wishes,

GM


----------



## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Thank you for coming on here after reconciling and letting us know your story.

Three words said at your wedding and the same three words at your Divorce! So simple. 

You were the one who was cheated on but you were the one to turn it around. The injured party usually waits and wants an apology. 

I guess you manned up in a different way, in a way that every woman probably wants to hear her man say; an unconditional declaration of love even in the bad times as well as the good. That took great inner strength and I guess we know where it came from...

Wishing you every success in your reconciliation. 

How long did your separation last for you to get your chance at love again..... in Court?


----------



## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

I'm happy it works well for you but I'm sorry it's not that happy ending every one here talking about


----------



## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Thanks for sharing your story. You are an amazing and forgiving person! Congrat's to you and your wife for a happier and healthier marriage!!!!

What made you drop to your knees? Did you feel comfort in your prayer or did you get an answer? I am just curious how your new found spirituality process went?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> Thank you for coming on here after reconciling and letting us know your story.
> 
> Three words said at your wedding and the same three words at your Divorce! So simple.
> 
> ...


We were separated about 6 months..give or take a bit...she moved back in a week or so after we talked in the diner.

Thank you for the kind words,

GM


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> I did have a gut feeling that something was wrong...but just figured we were having a rough patch. Nothing made me think she was cheating. It wasn't until I found out that all the pieces fell together.
> 
> As far as flaws...I don't know if that's the right word. I would say she made mistakes...so would she. She confided in the wrong individual (namely someone not me) and it spiraled out of control from there.
> 
> ...


Thanks mate, it's just when I hear stories like this when it just goes "WHAM" it makes me wonder how it happens. You mentioned you had a gut feeling in the past, but didn't suspect she was cheating... Looking back, were there signs of infidelity you may have ignored? I'm very curious.

In my case I trust the missus to be loyal, she's always been. I don't even have the gut feeling and there has been zero signs. However I'm keeping both my eyes open at present as I've never withdrew from her sexually like what I'm doing at present before.

Still, I would hate for it to happen to me when we're in good times and it just blows up in my face. I'm not capable of such forgiveness unlike yourself, whether for me or for the missus, even though the missus already forgave me for my own past infidelity years ago - before marriage (however it seems she has not forgotten)

Also, you mentioned there was no reason why she did it? How can you be content with that? I know I wouldn't be =/ Sorry to keep probing but I'm very curious to learn. Also, were you two passionate during the last 6 months prior to finding out what she did?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

marriageinprogress said:


> Thanks for sharing your story. You are an amazing and forgiving person! Congrat's to you and your wife for a happier and healthier marriage!!!!
> 
> What made you drop to your knees? Did you feel comfort in your prayer or did you get an answer? I am just curious how your new found spirituality process went?



I dropped to my knees out of pure desperateness...I had absolutely no where else I could turn...the pain was just too much for me to bear by myself any longer....and perhaps that's the only way some of us can find the path He wants us on.

I felt a great sense of calm after the prayer...I hadn't prayed since I was 10 0r 11 years old..I was 26 when this all went down. I guess you could say...I wasn't unfamiliar with Christ..but I was certainly no believer...until that point.

Did my prayers get answered? When I prayed that day... I specifically prayed for His will to be done...not mine...not my wishes..not my anything..I just prayed for His will to take control over my life and for Him to take the pain away.

The pain certainly lessened immediately and I was granted a great sense of calm. I knew for for sure that no matter how things turned out...reconciled and still married or not..I was going to be ok. 

From then on I just studied the Bible, listened to my inner voice and believed in Christ Almighty.

Do I believe His divine touch was present in my darkest hour? Absolutely. 

Thanks for the kind words,

GM


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sam83 said:


> I'm happy it works well for you but I'm sorry it's not that happy ending every one here talking about



Yes it is unfortunate that happy endings don't come to all...but I hope that my words and experience can shed a little ray of hope on some desperate situations.

Thanks,

GM


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks mate, it's just when I hear stories like this when it just goes "WHAM" it makes me wonder how it happens. You mentioned you had a gut feeling in the past, but didn't suspect she was cheating... Looking back, were there signs of infidelity you may have ignored? I'm very curious.
> 
> In my case I trust the missus to be loyal, she's always been. I don't even have the gut feeling and there has been zero signs. However I'm keeping both my eyes open at present as I've never withdrew from her sexually like what I'm doing at present before.
> 
> ...



1)You mentioned you had a gut feeling in the past, but didn't suspect she was cheating... Looking back, were there signs of infidelity you may have ignored?

I just new things where just off between us...it was just a feeling as far as I could tell nothing more. Its hard to explain..it wasn't a feeling like "Something is horribly wrong...what am I to do?" It was much more subtle...like we where just drifting apart..we didn't laugh together as much as we used too...we didn't spend as much time together. I just chalked it up to a little low point in the marriage and thought she was stressed from work...it was her busy time. If I ignored anything it was the fact that she was having many...many more late nights at the office...although this wasn't uncommon for the business she was managing during that time of year.

2)Also, you mentioned there was no reason why she did it? How can you be content with that?

Content? Ya..I guess you could say that. Coming to grips with the fact that there was no singular pin-point reason for causing the affair is more like it. It was the compounding of our life style choices, scheduling choices, friendship choices...who/what we allowed into our "inner circle" choices....poor choices by me..poor choices by her. There was no*one* reason to point the finger at and say "that's it...we've isolated the problem!"


3)Also, were you two passionate during the last 6 months prior to finding out what she did?

No...things where chilling on the bedroom department..but it didn't go cold altogether. I figured she was stressing from work.

Best wishes,

GM


----------



## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Do you still struggle with occasional thoughts about the affair?
Do you bring up the affair when you guys are fighting?
Do you trust your wife or do you have the need to check up on her constantly?
Has your wife forgiven herself?

Sorry for all the questions, I have a ton more : )


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

marriageinprogress said:


> Do you still struggle with occasional thoughts about the affair?
> Do you bring up the affair when you guys are fighting?
> Do you trust your wife or do you have the need to check up on her constantly?
> Has your wife forgiven herself?
> ...


Do you bring up the affair when you guys are fighting?
Never..we rarely fight anyways...but never.

Do you trust your wife or do you have the need to check up on her constantly?

Complete trust..our communication is real good. Haven't check on her in years.

Has your wife forgiven herself?

Absolutely.


Sorry for all the questions, I have a ton more: 

I don't mind..that's why I'm here.


best wishes,

GM


----------



## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Sometimes it just seems like there is no hope. No matter how much you love them and want them back.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks so much GM, your information is most enlightening, especially in regards of what to look out for. 

BTW, how did you two rebuild trust after such an event?


----------



## marriageinprogress (Jul 7, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Do you bring up the affair when you guys are fighting?
> Never..we rarely fight anyways...but never.
> 
> Do you trust your wife or do you have the need to check up on her constantly?
> ...


That is awesome! There is hope 

My husband is doing a great job forgiving me and I am sooo thankful for that. I have cut everything off, shared all passwords, been completely honest about everything, and try and prove to him that his in my one and only! I think I am just so dissapointed in myself that I am having a hard time moving forward. It's hard for me to trust myself (not that I would ever do that again) and the thought that I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I was unfaithful and hurt my husband is hard to live with. Maybe I am being selfish and need to think that my poor husband has to live with this knowledge... I want to move forward but feel stuck and stubborn : ) Any thoughts?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> Sometimes it just seems like there is no hope. No matter how much you love them and want them back.


It depends where you are looking for hope. If you are asking for hope from your wayward spouse I wouldn't expect to see any.

Place your hope in God. Look for hope in yourself. There is always hope if you look in the right places.

GM


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks so much GM, your information is most enlightening, especially in regards of what to look out for.
> 
> BTW, how did you two rebuild trust after such an event?




1)BTW, how did you two rebuild trust after such an event?

With patience, understanding, reading, research, transparency and teamwork. Her actions backed up her words. Trust was earned again...not so much rebuilt.

GM


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

marriageinprogress said:


> That is awesome! There is hope
> 
> My husband is doing a great job forgiving me and I am sooo thankful for that. I have cut everything off, shared all passwords, been completely honest about everything, and try and prove to him that his in my one and only! I think I am just so dissapointed in myself that I am having a hard time moving forward. It's hard for me to trust myself (not that I would ever do that again) and the thought that I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I was unfaithful and hurt my husband is hard to live with. Maybe I am being selfish and need to think that my poor husband has to live with this knowledge... I want to move forward but feel stuck and stubborn : ) Any thoughts?



1)Any thoughts?

Many. My wife felt the same way..as if she wasn't worthy of forgiveness. These feelings are normal...you are coming to grip with the enormity of the hurt your husband has been facing. Knowing how bad it was for him...makes you feel like you are less than worm poo. Do not despair! If you are humble in heart and truly remorseful there is forgiveness for you..even from yourself. You are not perfect....but neither is anyone else.

One of the proudest moments in my life was seeing my wife own up to her mistakes and take full responsibility for them. Make no mistake....It takes a lot of courage and strength for someone to do this...most people can't. It's even harder to do it facing the person you hurt most of all. I think this fact gets overlooked way to much.

If you are owning up to you mistakes...be happy...and forgive yourself. Because Christ already has.


GM


----------



## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

People assume this has to be an end; it can be a beginning to something amazing! Thanks for sharing; God does work in mysterious ways!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

Do you still think about the affair? 

When you look at pictures of your son and your family from back then do you still feel pain? As in, my wife was having an affair when this was taken?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Alivinghell said:


> Do you still think about the affair?
> 
> When you look at pictures of your son and your family from back then do you still feel pain? As in, my wife was having an affair when this was taken?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No pain at all. 

It's strange..but when I think about that time in our lives I think of it as more of a crossroads than anything else. Now don't get me wrong I remember full well what hell it was but I also see what great strength has grown out of it.

I really feel no pain at all.


----------



## harusty (Sep 7, 2011)

Geoffery

20 years ago I was 27 years old and going through a divorce because of infidelity. It was a very difficult time in my life because we had 2 children and there was no hope for my WW. I too was at my wits end and had nowhere to turn. One night while I was driving home from a friends house I felt exactly like you did in traffic. I didn't pull my car over but I did cry out to God and he hit me like a ton of bricks. This was the greatest moment of my life. Suddenly everything made sense. The next day I went and bought my first bible and have never looked back. Your testemony is so similar to mine that I was moved to register and write this post. I never did reconcile with my wife and we did divorce but God gave me the woman of my dreams and we have been happily married for 16 years. I admire your ability to forgive and your wifes to repent. God does have a plan for everyone, even in the midst of heartache. 

Regards,
Rusty


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

harusty said:


> Geoffery
> 
> 20 years ago I was 27 years old and going through a divorce because of infidelity. It was a very difficult time in my life because we had 2 children and there was no hope for my WW. I too was at my wits end and had nowhere to turn. One night while I was driving home from a friends house I felt exactly like you did in traffic. I didn't pull my car over but I did cry out to God and he hit me like a ton of bricks. This was the greatest moment of my life. Suddenly everything made sense. The next day I went and bought my first bible and have never looked back. Your testemony is so similar to mine that I was moved to register and write this post. I never did reconcile with my wife and we did divorce but God gave me the woman of my dreams and we have been happily married for 16 years. I admire your ability to forgive and your wifes to repent. God does have a plan for everyone, even in the midst of heartache.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing...I'm glad you registered.


----------



## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

GM,

I cannot even begin to tell you what an inspiration your story is for me. I'm about two weeks out from discovering that my H had a one night stand at the beginning of summer. Much like your wife, since he came clean, he seems to truly understand (or at least is trying to) the depth of the pain he caused. He's really struggling to forgive himself. As a matter of fact, we are currently living apart while he does some IC (we also do MC) so that he can figure out how he allowed this to happen. He is so incredibly disappointed in himself. I know I love him, but there are moments when I feel so betrayed I don't know how I will ever get past those feelings. I truly feel that only when he is back here with me will we be able to start to mend and now, thanks to your story, I really have hope for my marriage. You are an amazing husband and I hope that, with time, my marriage can heal like yours did. Thank you for sharing your story.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sakura said:


> GM,
> 
> I cannot even begin to tell you what an inspiration your story is for me. I'm about two weeks out from discovering that my H had a one night stand at the beginning of summer. Much like your wife, since he came clean, he seems to truly understand (or at least is trying to) the depth of the pain he caused. He's really struggling to forgive himself. As a matter of fact, we are currently living apart while he does some IC (we also do MC) so that he can figure out how he allowed this to happen. He is so incredibly disappointed in himself. I know I love him, but there are moments when I feel so betrayed I don't know how I will ever get past those feelings. I truly feel that only when he is back here with me will we be able to start to mend and now, thanks to your story, I really have hope for my marriage. You are an amazing husband and I hope that, with time, my marriage can heal like yours did. Thank you for sharing your story.



Sakura, 

Thank you for your kind words.

Just remember there is no problem that you cannot fix in the marriage if you work together. Stay positive and don't expect to much to soon (of yourself or of him). You are in the very early stages of recovery. 

God Bless.


----------



## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I'm so glad for you and your family GM. What a beautiful ending!


----------



## sakura (Sep 7, 2011)

Can you recommend any books for either spouse to help cope? I've read After the Affair, it was good. But any other suggestions, particularly about forgiveness, would be appreciated. Thanks again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Surviving An Affair was a good one, I thought.

Also, this is such an awesome example of the miracle working power of God. I, too, have been praying for my marriage and want nothing more than God to shake my wife back to reality and out of her adultery. What I recently have learned is that I have to FULLY submit to whatever plan God has for me, my wife, and my family. None of us really know Gods plan. We just have to know and believe that he has one and trust that HIS will is whats best for us. 

Thanks you for sharing your story. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

sakura said:


> Can you recommend any books for either spouse to help cope? I've read After the Affair, it was good. But any other suggestions, particularly about forgiveness, would be appreciated. Thanks again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sakura,

I have a whole list on my blog...check them out. I have the link below in my signature.

The book called "How can I forgive you" is there, which is great as well as many others.


----------



## Locard (May 26, 2011)

That is a very sad yet uplifting and powerful story! Best wishes moving forward!


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Locard,

Thank you


----------



## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks for posting your story. 

Did your personality change when she came back? Had you "reinvented" yourself? And in what way?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> Thanks for posting your story.
> 
> Did your personality change when she came back? Had you "reinvented" yourself? And in what way?


I don't think my personality changed per-say. 

However, I did stop trying to "bull rush the world"....I am a much more "take it as it comes" kind of person now. I used to think that my will and my will alone could defeat anything life threw at me. I now longer rely on my will...I trust in Gods will. 

Not a reinvention, more like a realization of whats really important in life and whats not.

You see, I no longer let my circumstances define who I am... whether it be my job, my finances, my marriage...these are all things that are a product of who I am in Christ. God puts me right where he needs me to be and I just don't fight it anymore.


----------



## marta (Oct 15, 2011)

Dear GM,

thank you so much for bringing hope in my heart...my husband discovered my affair, my lies and my callousness 3 months ago. He tells me I destroyed everything irreversibly: his image of me, his love, his life. He is a proud man and I don't know if he will forgive me....I am so so very sorry -- i want him to take my hand and forgive me and I want to be his good and loving wife again. I want us to have the wisdom you have. Best of all to you, your wife and your son!


----------



## why not me (Oct 15, 2011)

GM, I have lurked here for months, and your story has always brought me Hope that this can be repaired. Your story has a lot of similarities to ours, and I am faithful God has a perfect plan that man can not destroy. If it was not for our faith, I am confident we would not be on the path to reconciliation.


----------



## why not me (Oct 15, 2011)

Also concerning Marta, take the advice of what people say her and just continue doing the hard work of being truly repentant. I was like your husband, but my wife has done all the things necessary to show she is truly sorry for what she did and will do anything and everything to prove that. It will not come quickly, but time can help heal. Just keep showing him the person he fell in love when you got married is still there.


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Geoffry.....this is exactly what I needed to see this morning....thank you so much for sharing your pain and your joy. I am a believer and have not found the strength to ask Father to take it all from me..I know scriputre...our Savior tells us those who are heavy laden to place our yoke on Him and He will help us to carry our burdens..I understand these things and yet can't find the strength to let go of the pain if that makes sence....
My H is going to church, and IC he says he has been faithful and stopped seeing the OW and stopped watching porn...I just have a hard time believing him after all the lies over all these years...
The OW in my case is also a believer as well as my H and that didn't stop them from what they did, nor did it stop my husband from watching porn all those years. My H even wrote a book on the Holy Tabernacle while in a full blown affair. The OW sang worship songs as worship leader in a church during the full blown affair. I think this is why I may be having a hard time with asking for the burden to be lifted, as I feel I have righteous anger.
I am devistated, crushed, spirit broke and still go to work because I have no choice. Neither my H nor my son are working right now. I wonder if H is still with me because he truly does love me or is it because he has no other recourse as the OW will not leaver her boyfriend due to financial issues.
We are talking to his pastor whom he has known for many years. We have to do it over the computer because I work out of state. This is another dilema, I'm not there so I have to trust him. (ugg) The OW happens to be my H's half sister sisterinlaw, another (ugg). So she is intertwined with my family (ugg). I have to carry the burden of not letting the cat out of the bag because of her boyfriend being violent according to my H. H does not want a confrontation where someone may be shot. So I am made to carry this burden.
My H still curses at me when he is mad, when I tell him how I feel and mention his unemployment and my feelings he's quiet. He says I don't see the things he's doing like church and counceling. The pastor says I should have faith...but how does one have faith with a person who curses at them, and has devistated them, and lied for so many years one doesn't know the truth....H became very good at the lies so well that I never knew what was going on until I saw a trac phone on his bank acccount and then started searching.
I would like for my story to end on a wonderful note like yours. My H is the only man I ever married,, I would not marry before because I did not want to be divorced, this man I loved with my whole being and soul and knew he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I am his 4th wife. (ugg). He says 2 of them cheated on him and the other well he just lost his love for her (he also cheated on her, not married to that one). It's just so hard, it's only been slightly over a month that the lies (I think) have stopped.
But I wonder, would he be with me had he had a job, he has told me that he is scared to live on his own, am I being used? 
I try to pray declarations and it does work at times, but my head is so full of thoughts, I can't seem to get beyond the pain. I could also write a book and maybe one day I will write my memiours as I have had a very difficult life, this being the icing on the cake for me. But in the end I know that all will be well no matter what happens because I do have a Father in Heaven that loves me. Thanks for being on this forum giving your encouragement, advice and listening....


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Geoffrey,
Do you think that part of the problem was that you put your wife on a high pedestal before this happened? You seemed to describe her and your relationship before this happened as 'too' perfect. Do you have more intimacy now that you understand her flaws and weaknesses or did you have more intimacy when you thought your relationship was pure?


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

It's nice to see a story where things have worked out happily. I hope things are good for you both, now. People say that sometimes marriages are stronger after such a test or they just break. It's nice to know that sometimes, it works out okay.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

marta said:


> Dear GM,
> 
> thank you so much for bringing hope in my heart...my husband discovered my affair, my lies and my callousness 3 months ago. He tells me I destroyed everything irreversibly: his image of me, his love, his life. He is a proud man and I don't know if he will forgive me....I am so so very sorry -- i want him to take my hand and forgive me and I want to be his good and loving wife again. I want us to have the wisdom you have. Best of all to you, your wife and your son!


Marta,

Exercise patience. Three months nothing in the manner of time when one is recovering from the emotional turmoil of an affair.

Remember: Inch by inch..day by day...small victories.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

why not me said:


> GM, I have lurked here for months, and your story has always brought me Hope that this can be repaired. Your story has a lot of similarities to ours, and I am faithful God has a perfect plan that man can not destroy. If it was not for our faith, I am confident we would not be on the path to reconciliation.



I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

couple said:


> Geoffrey,
> Do you think that part of the problem was that you put your wife on a high pedestal before this happened? You seemed to describe her and your relationship before this happened as 'too' perfect. Do you have more intimacy now that you understand her flaws and weaknesses or did you have more intimacy when you thought your relationship was pure?



Nah...didn't really put her on a pedestal..per say. She *is* everything that I described. Our relationship before was what I would call "immature" and not as deep as it is now. 

We are much closer now, more so than I could have ever imagined.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> It's nice to see a story where things have worked out happily. I hope things are good for you both, now. People say that sometimes marriages are stronger after such a test or they just break. It's nice to know that sometimes, it works out okay.



Thanks, things couldn't be better.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> Geoffry.....
> 
> 1. I am a believer and have not found the strength to ask Father to take it all from me..I know scriputre...our Savior tells us those who are heavy laden to place our yoke on Him and He will help us to carry our burdens..I understand these things and yet can't find the strength to let go of the pain if that makes sence....
> 
> ...


I was originally going to send a PM response to this, but I thought better of it since my response might help others out there....

1. Matthew 11:29-30 "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Don't search yourself for strength, ask and receive the strength from Christ. If you are a believer and have accepted His gift then His strength is with you.

2. I wouldn't believe him either, trust but verify. 

3. 2 Peter 2:1 "But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction."

2 Peter 2:18 "For when they speak great swelling words of emptiness, they allure through the lusts of the flesh, through lewdness, the ones who have actually escaped from those who live in error."


4. This is a possibility, keep a watchful eye. Can he get a job?

5. Cat needs to be let out. If he is violent this is not your fault. i would bet his "violence" is a lie to keep you quiet. This is a classic lie to keep victims silent. Do not be fooled.

6. Just because he is going to church and has a pastor does not a Christian make. His actions tell me he is acting in rebellion to Christ...thus not a Christian. Do not be fooled. 

Even Paul worked: 

2 Thessalonians 3:6-10
"But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to follow us, for we were not disorderly among you; *nor did we eat anyone’s bread free of charge, but worked with labor and toil night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you, not because we do not have authority, but to make ourselves an example of how you should follow us. For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat."*


7. You are on the very beginnings of a very hard road. I do not think his lies have stopped.


8. The fact that he curses you and then tells you how "good" he is being by going to a church counselor tells me he is not "repentant." He is not showing remorse for his actions and merely giving lip service to the whole ordeal. Actions speak louder than words and his actions towards you are not Christ like.



Keep you head up and trust in God. I hope I was able to shed a little light on your situation. Good Luck.


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

GM, I was hoping to see that PM you told me about today...really need input....hope all is well


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> GM, I was hoping to see that PM you told me about today...really need input....hope all is well



Take a look above. I just broke up your response and numbered it so I could address the separate parts individually...it's still your post...just looks different.


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you GM...and I know all these points you have posted...your are absolutely correct...this is biblical what you have posted....He is not being remorsefull and I am going to bring this out tonight when we do speak with the Pastor.....I do need to find out about the man the OW is with prior to bring the affiar to light as I would not want anyone to come to harm just in case...so I will have to do some invesigating about this one...I did write her pastor a note about the whole issues as she may not have been honest nor have even told him...what comes of that I do not know....I am pulling away from my husband each day I feel as I see he is not working on reading anything about infidelity on his own.....he is not reading what I send him...and this tells me a tremendous amount of information as I feel he doesn't really feel it's that big a deal....but I have spoken with a lawyer and am emotionally starting to distance myself and speak with him without hope or faith at this point because I truly feel the only reason he is with me is due to his financial issues....his words have told me much as I am learning to read between the lines or rather lies......thanks for your response...I hope others also get something out of it.....


----------



## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

I just wanted to add my thanks GM for posting a story with a happy ending. Its weird but when I was in the bookstore buying "not just friends" (About emotional affairs) It was next to a rack of Bibles. My wife lost mine many years ago and I thought about buying one. I certainly will listen to the tiny voice in my head next time. I think a part of the reason I didn't is that this was "A friend from Church" which is really depressing. 

Anyway thank you!


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

X-unknown said:


> I just wanted to add my thanks GM for posting a story with a happy ending. Its weird but when I was in the bookstore buying "not just friends" (About emotional affairs) It was next to a rack of Bibles. My wife lost mine many years ago and I thought about buying one. I certainly will listen to the tiny voice in my head next time. I think a part of the reason I didn't is that this was "A friend from Church" which is really depressing.
> 
> Anyway thank you!


Don't confuse church with Christ....I did for a longtime. Thanks for your comments.


----------



## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

I try not to. Its at times difficult. Our old pastor had an affair with one of the members (for example) and I thought that this is not a reflection on God but a reminder of the imperfectness of man. *Not that this didn't really bum me out!


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

How did you ever look at your wife the same way , again? Man, she was an abusive, sadistic piece of work.
I would think you would have to really do some tricks with your mind to accept her back after the way she treated you.


----------



## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

GM, thank you for posting this. I'm trying to get my head in order today; I need to confront my husband about his ways and I hope this time to make a real difference. I just joined this site today. It's the first time I've sought out information on the subject, or really looked for guidance. Your post made me take a deep breath and believe that there's a chance for a "happy ending." I'm glad it worked out for you & you sound at Peace  We may go through all of our crazy changes, but God is constant.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Can atheists and agnostics reconcile? Or ,does one need divine intervention?


----------



## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Can atheists and agnostics reconcile? Or ,does one need divine intervention?


Well if you ask a believer, divine intervention will happen whether or not an atheist/agnostic sees it as happening  

Atheists/agnostics can reconcile and/or have a happy marriage, just as much as a religious couple can. in my opinion. I'm thinking GM is just sharing the story of how he and his wife were able to work it out, moreso than "this is the absolute answer" kwim?


----------



## silveryposter (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm not a Christian, but this still speaks to me because, regardless of what kind of intervention folks may ascribe, GM's story relays the power of "Letting Go". It's been discussed many times here, and this is as fine of an example of letting go as I've seen.

Thanks for sharing.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I agree, that you have to let go.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

GM, this is a wonderful story. I am trying to forgive my H for having a 5 month EA, yet he won't own it. He is remorseful and tells me how sorry he is, but has not been transparent. I asked him why he changed his FB password since I knew his first one, and he says he hasn't ( which I saw his e-mail requesting it). 

He is a truck driver gone 5 days a week, so not sure about NC.

So if I am wanting to R, how am I supposed to trust him again? He tells me all the time how much he loves me, but I am worried he is only wanting me to just let it go. 

I do love him, we've been married 9 years, but I can't do all the work by myself, how am I supposed to get him to understand that I can't move forward or trust him without honesty from him?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> How did you ever look at your wife the same way , again? Man, she was an abusive, sadistic piece of work.
> I would think you would have to really do some tricks with your mind to accept her back after the way she treated you.


I don't look at my wife "in the same way"...I look at her through totally new eyes. The pre-affair life/marriage was dead...we started anew. 

No mind tricks, just a renewed commitment to each other coupled with the forgiveness God grants all of us.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Tess said:


> GM, thank you for posting this. I'm trying to get my head in order today; I need to confront my husband about his ways and I hope this time to make a real difference. I just joined this site today. It's the first time I've sought out information on the subject, or really looked for guidance. Your post made me take a deep breath and believe that there's a chance for a "happy ending." I'm glad it worked out for you & you sound at Peace  We may go through all of our crazy changes, but God is constant.



Thanks Tess...and good luck.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Tess said:


> Well if you ask a believer, divine intervention will happen whether or not an atheist/agnostic sees it as happening
> 
> Atheists/agnostics can reconcile and/or have a happy marriage, just as much as a religious couple can. in my opinion. I'm thinking GM is just sharing the story of how he and his wife were able to work it out, moreso than "this is the absolute answer" kwim?



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

It's just my story...


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

silveryposter said:


> I'm not a Christian, but this still speaks to me because, regardless of what kind of intervention folks may ascribe, GM's story relays the power of "Letting Go". It's been discussed many times here, and this is as fine of an example of letting go as I've seen.
> 
> Thanks for sharing.



Thank you Slivery..."letting go" was a big reason my wife and I were able to reconcile. Probably the biggest reason.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Thank you Slivery..."letting go" was a big reason my wife and I were able to reconcile. Probably the biggest reason.


Letting go is my problem from time to time. She done all that was asked and more but there are times I still dwell on the past.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> GM, this is a wonderful story. I am trying to forgive my H for having a 5 month EA, yet he won't own it. He is remorseful and tells me how sorry he is, but has not been transparent. I asked him why he changed his FB password since I knew his first one, and he says he hasn't ( which I saw his e-mail requesting it).
> 
> He is a truck driver gone 5 days a week, so not sure about NC.
> 
> ...


Here's the quick and short...because I want you to post your full story so others on this forum can help....most of the regulars have read this thread so will most likely skip it....and I don't want you to miss any of the great advice that's out there. If you already have posted it...point me there and i will join in.


*"So if I am wanting to R, how am I supposed to trust him again?"*

He has to show you he is trustworthy through his _actions_....only _actions_ count...not words.

*"He tells me all the time how much he loves me, but I am worried he is only wanting me to just let it go."*

Don't allow this to be swept under the rug....healing from an affair takes both parties fully engaged and committed.

*"I do love him, we've been married 9 years, but I can't do all the work by myself, how am I supposed to get him to understand that I can't move forward or trust him without honesty from him?*"

You can't be expected to do it all yourself....in fact the wayward is the one who needs to do most of the heavy lifting...

You need to make it crystal clear to him that there is no chance at reconciliation unless a few things are accomplished:

1. Full transparency...no secret anythings.
2. He has to own the affair 100%
3. He has to jump into the trenches with you and get to work.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Letting go is my problem from time to time. She done all that was asked and more but there are times I still dwell on the past.


This is when I would lean on Christ..


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Geoff, in some cases, there is no hope for reconciliation. There is, however, hope for a better life without the remorseless, personality disordered cheater.
I thank God for my XW's cheating. Without it, I would have endured her abuse until it led me to an early grave(and my kids need me alive).


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Geoff, in some cases, there is no hope for reconciliation. There is, however, hope for a better life without the remorseless, personality disordered cheater.
> I thank God for my XW's cheating. Without it, I would have endured her abuse until it led me to an early grave(and my kids need me alive).


True...


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

Well it's me....I've been home for a week and getting more of the trickle truth about what happened....don't know what is really happening, if this is true recovery or a lie really....he's still getting defensive on certain issues like the trickle truth issues....I am going to start my new job this week, will be living about 110 miles away...better than 900 miles....I can drive here anytime I want now...I don't like driving at night but in order to make sure things are as they seem I may have to....I came home he didn't know I was coming....I didn't check for a phone (throw away) and am pretty sick and tierd of checking for things really...I will just make my decision on the future...his willingness to be honest...we go to counceling tomorrow together....we may have to look for counceling during the weekend (which is hard in itself)...I will see his reactions tomorrow when I talk about issues with the councelor...he says he will come and see me every other weekend...I will see how long that will last if at all....I told him that I am finding it hard to beleive that we are in true recovery and that anything is real at this point because he became a master lier and I really find it hard to beleive anything he says...He can't even be honest about the affair, all I want is for him to sit me down and tell me the whole truth instead of trickles...I have explained that it just reopens the wound and makes it difficult for me to move forward...but.....
Oh well...now I just wait and see......


----------



## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

GM - that was a very inspirational story. Some of us who are in the middle of our own stories are having trouble wrapping our mind around yours.

A lot depended on your wife being willing to do the work. What, in your opinion, was the thing that made it possible for her? Please share!

Thank you so much for coming here and opening up to us!


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

I_Will_Survive said:


> GM - that was a very inspirational story. Some of us who are in the middle of our own stories are having trouble wrapping our mind around yours.
> 
> *A lot depended on your wife being willing to do the work. What, in your opinion, was the thing that made it possible for her? Please share!*
> 
> Thank you so much for coming here and opening up to us!



She owned her mistake and was able to empathize. 

Once someone takes full responsibility for their actions...it becomes easier for them to understand that they are the ones that must fix the wreckage they caused.


----------



## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> Well it's me....I've been home for a week and getting more of the trickle truth about what happened....don't know what is really happening, if this is true recovery or a lie really....he's still getting defensive on certain issues like the trickle truth issues....I am going to start my new job this week, will be living about 110 miles away...better than 900 miles....I can drive here anytime I want now...I don't like driving at night but in order to make sure things are as they seem I may have to....I came home he didn't know I was coming....I didn't check for a phone (throw away) and am pretty sick and tierd of checking for things really...I will just make my decision on the future...his willingness to be honest...we go to counceling tomorrow together....we may have to look for counceling during the weekend (which is hard in itself)...I will see his reactions tomorrow when I talk about issues with the councelor...he says he will come and see me every other weekend...I will see how long that will last if at all....I told him that I am finding it hard to beleive that we are in true recovery and that anything is real at this point because he became a master lier and I really find it hard to beleive anything he says...He can't even be honest about the affair, all I want is for him to sit me down and tell me the whole truth instead of trickles...I have explained that it just reopens the wound and makes it difficult for me to move forward...but.....
> Oh well...now I just wait and see......


Whew... Its hard reading everyone elses posts. My known problem is a wife with a fairly long emotional affair with "Just a Friend" Getting some honesty is so important and seems to be so difficult to drag out of them. If this helps I got my firm pieces of truth in couples therapy. The therapist really held her feet to the fire and even tho I "knew" :scratchhead: I was shocked. A tiny bit happy that I was not insane btw. I started to worry  that I had become an over controlling jerk. Anyway therapy maybe of great help. If your really bumming out (depressed / anxiety) talk to an individual therapist and even your doctor about something to dial this insanity to a mild roar. Good luck!


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> Well it's me....I've been home for a week and getting more of the trickle truth about what happened....don't know what is really happening, if this is true recovery or a lie really....he's still getting defensive on certain issues like the trickle truth issues....I am going to start my new job this week, will be living about 110 miles away...better than 900 miles....I can drive here anytime I want now...I don't like driving at night but in order to make sure things are as they seem I may have to....I came home he didn't know I was coming....I didn't check for a phone (throw away) and am pretty sick and tierd of checking for things really...I will just make my decision on the future...his willingness to be honest...we go to counceling tomorrow together....we may have to look for counceling during the weekend (which is hard in itself)...I will see his reactions tomorrow when I talk about issues with the councelor...he says he will come and see me every other weekend...I will see how long that will last if at all....I told him that I am finding it hard to beleive that we are in true recovery and that anything is real at this point because he became a master lier and I really find it hard to beleive anything he says...He can't even be honest about the affair, all I want is for him to sit me down and tell me the whole truth instead of trickles...I have explained that it just reopens the wound and makes it difficult for me to move forward...but.....
> Oh well...now I just wait and see......


Keep up the good fight. Remember that actions speak louder then words.

Good luck.


----------



## HOPEFAITH (Oct 27, 2011)

Very inspiring...I had filed for divorce about 3mos ago..We had been together for 6 1/2 years and married for only 2mos...I am pretty devistated..He cheated and put his hands on me which led me to file for a divorce..After reading this,would you say I did the rite thing or try to make it work?? I too had became close to GOD...I go to church, try to read the bible and do my best trusting,having faith, hope and believing GOD is in my favor...Sometimes I feel GOD saved me from a disaster...Or is this testing my forgiveness and vows?? I love my husband but he will not confess to his infidelity..He said if we work our marriage out its on his terms...ummm HE WAS THE ONE WHO DID wrong not me..Whats that all about?? And why does my husband blame me for the marriage failing when all I ever done was be FAITHFUL N LOYAL.....

Thanks

HOPEFAITH


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

HOPEFAITH said:


> Very inspiring...I had filed for divorce about 3mos ago..We had been together for 6 1/2 years and married for only 2mos...I am pretty devistated..He cheated and put his hands on me which led me to file for a divorce..After reading this,would you say I did the rite thing or try to make it work?? I too had became close to GOD...I go to church, try to read the bible and do my best trusting,having faith, hope and believing GOD is in my favor...Sometimes I feel GOD saved me from a disaster...Or is this testing my forgiveness and vows?? I love my husband but he will not confess to his infidelity..He said if we work our marriage out its on his terms...ummm HE WAS THE ONE WHO DID wrong not me..Whats that all about?? And why does my husband blame me for the marriage failing when all I ever done was be FAITHFUL N LOYAL.....
> 
> Thanks
> 
> HOPEFAITH



Hope,

Put his hands on you? Does that mean hit you? If so that's a deal breaker...no second chances.

The rest of the stuff sounds like pretty standard wayward spouse mumbo-jumbo.

It is typical for the wayward to try and control the loyal spouse and to have their terms met.

You cannot allow this to happen. Three milestones are critical to all marriages hoping to recover from infidelity:

1. The cheater MUST own the affair...they can't try and pass the blame.
2. The cheater must become 100% transparent... voluntarily.
3. There must be 100% no-contact with the affair partner ever again.


If any of the three items above is missing...recovery becomes almost impossible.


As far as you are concerned. Take care of yourself first and foremost...there is nothing more important than this.

Read your bible....don't worry so much about church....just read and reflect.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Physical abuse is completely unacceptable.

But,I am curious Geoff,in light of your willingness to forgive your wife for a transgression that many therapist consider the most severe form of emotional abuse, why you feel there can never be a second chance when Dv is the form of abuse.
HArley says in his surveys of folks who have experienced both, that the recovery is much tougher from the infidelity. I have no idea if that is true, though.
I think divorcing this cretin is the right way to go, BTW.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Physical abuse is completely unacceptable.
> 
> But,I am curious Geoff,in light of your willingness to forgive your wife for a transgression that many therapist consider the most severe form of emotional abuse, why you feel there can never be a second chance when Dv is the form of abuse.
> HArley says in his surveys of folks who have experienced both, that the recovery is much tougher from the infidelity. I have no idea if that is true, though.
> I think divorcing this cretin is the right way to go, BTW.


Help me out. I am not sure what Dv is?


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Domestic Violence.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Domestic Violence.


Ahhh...yes, silly me.

Well, the way I see it. There is a very real possibility of making a full recovery from an affair if certain things are done.


and


There is a very real possibility that when a husband hits his wife he hits her so hard one day that she ends up dead.


That's basically it. I try not to complicate things.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, infidelity has led some BSs to suicide, and, clearly, the stress of it and the toll on one's physical health can lead to death(heart atttacks due to stress and lack of sleep, eating problems affecting overall health set)
So, can we not say that infidelit, as well, can lead to death or extreme physical decline.
And, how about female on male viloence(i.e Tiger Woods wife with the 4 iron) after the discoveryof infidelity? Do you make any distinction there?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Well, infidelity has led some BSs to suicide, and, clearly, the stress of it and the toll on one's physical health can lead to death(heart atttacks due to stress and lack of sleep, eating problems affecting overall health set)
> So, can we not say that infidelit, as well, can lead to death or extreme physical decline.
> And, how about female on male viloence(i.e Tiger Woods wife with the 4 iron) after the discoveryof infidelity? Do you make any distinction there?



Arnold,

I am just giving my opinions. Listen, yes I am sure that some instances of suicide could be attributed to the stress of infidelity....but then again...people that choose suicide as an option are still making that choice themselves.

Where as a spouse that get's hit by their abusive spouse and then falls down the steps to their death had no choice at that time.

Sure...females sometimes physically abuse their spouses...but by in large this is a very small minority. 

Can I suggest that if you wish to continue on this subject...that you post it and start a new thread.

The main purpose of this thread was to show people my story in hopes that they would understand that...yes...there is hope for a recovery.

I understand that all situations are different...the levels of abuse , the inner strength of the abused, the commitment level of each spouse...all these factors vary to some degree.

My post was just my story...nothing more and nothing less.


----------



## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

No problem, Geoff. But, you really have some misinformation re female on male violence. Some studies say it is , actually, more frequent than the reverse. And, many studies find that, if not more common, it isjust about as common.
Sorry this got off track. But, I think many of us who have been victims of infidelity would have much preferred a sound, physical beating.
Have you checked out Willard Harley's 30 minute free vidoe on the marriagebuilders site. He is pretty adament that his studies show that "infidelity is the worst thing one spouse can do to another". Of course, that is his subjective opinion. But, he alleges he bases it on having surveyed victims.
do you think , perhaps because you love your wife, you have minimized the extent of her abuse, thus elevating violence as being more severe?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> No problem, Geoff. But, you really have some misinformation re female on male violence. Some studies say it is , actually, more frequent than the reverse. And, many studies find that, if not more common, it isjust about as common.
> Sorry this got off track. But, I think many of us who have been victims of infidelity would have much preferred a sound, physical beating.
> Have you checked out Willard Harley's 30 minute free vidoe on the marriagebuilders site. He is pretty adament that his studies show that "infidelity is the worst thing one spouse can do to another". Of course, that is his subjective opinion. But, he alleges he bases it on having surveyed victims.
> do you think , perhaps because you love your wife, you have minimized the extent of her abuse, thus elevating violence as being more severe?



No, because I don't think it is more severe emotionally....and yes I probably would have preferred a good beating.

I just base my opinion on the fact that if you get hit physically...you run the real chance of having permanent damage done to your physical being. 

I really am not taking in to account this one is harder to deal with than that one...

When it comes to physical abuse..I rather error on the side of caution. That's all.

No problem getting off track...but I do think you bring up some very valid points that the entire board could learn from...most of the regulars have probably read this post and are skipping it now...I would like to see the discussion include some of these great people here.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Well, had small talk with my H today about his EA.... He said he doesn't think I believe that he is sorry about it.
I told him that I do believe he's sorry, but I don't believe him on the details of it. He said well that's what happened...

So going to talk later when kids aren't here,, I'm going to go through details of what he says happened and to what I know now, and if he sticks to his lies, then I will have to disagree with there always being hope.

Will update later.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Well, had small talk with my H today about his EA.... He said he doesn't think I believe that he is sorry about it.
> I told him that I do believe he's sorry, but I don't believe him on the details of it. He said well that's what happened...
> 
> So going to talk later when kids aren't here,, I'm going to go through details of what he says happened and to what I know now, and if he sticks to his lies, then I will have to disagree with there always being hope.
> ...



There is always hope if you know where to look for it. I never meant this thread to imply that there was always hope for reconciliation because clearly there sometimes isn't.

I really meant for it to spark people to look inside reflect and place their hope in God and in themselves.

Because no matter what....whether you reconcile or not...your true "hope" comes from within.

Good luck Numb.


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I had not updated on this forum.....

I had found out that my H had been talking to another woman ( his old high school sweetheart) ,,, of course he said, " just friends" again. They have been talking for around a year ( just ordered some archive phone bills so not sure how long for sure. 

Not rug sweeping, but I told him I am willing to work through this and try to move forward,,, yet "trust but verify",, I am going to get a VAR and will still check his computer history ( he doesn't know how to delete) 

So I figure if I calm down for a bit I will get one of 2 results:
1. He is actually sorry and will try to work on "us"
2. He will think I am not searching for proof and will start talking to one or both again.. ( they overlapped for the 5 months he was talking to the 2nd woman) So he in reality he was involved with me and the 2 other women,,,,must of been tiring for him....(but what's sad is,,, I had no clue, there were NO red flags...he acted normal. )
But now I do know,, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"!!


----------



## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Whoever coined the "Trickle Truth" sure had that one right on. Its gone from "were just friends" to "your insane" to "Emotional Affair? Maybe" to "He made a pass" to "Its just some groping and hugging"

Why can't they just come out with it? Its making me totally crazy.


----------



## choco (Dec 15, 2011)

God blessing. You did it. I wasn't faithful to any religious, but I do pray for God, and take incense before buddha, or tell my heart not to be afraid and be strong. I believe all God, including my heart, but nither of them work for me. Even I tries to knock their door for several times. Now, I still don't think those "God thing" work for me, at least on my marriage. Maybe I don't know how to communicate with God, or maybe I have too much will to ask HIS help...and he don't know which to do first...Ha!


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I grew up attending church. Over the last 20 years have went less and less eventually stopping altogether. Since my discovery of my xw's affair (July of this year,30 year marriage) I went back. I enjoy the service that I attend with its modern music and only complaint is why does the pastor take all his time speaking directly to me? Surely there are others that need some of his time! My D is final, and I am working hard at moving on. I hear the words to place it all in gods hand, and pray that I can each day. I have went NC, she lives with the OM and lies each and everyday to anyone who will listen about what happened. I cant help but feel that god is not listening to me, I dont want him/her to sit me down and talk directly to my face, but would sure appreciate a little break now and then. When I pray I give thanks for all my blessings (3 great kids all adults and grandaughter) both those that I remember, and the ones I forget. I ask for clearness of thought for my xw, protection of my heart for me, protection for my kids. I just want to yell UNCLE at the top of my lungs.


----------



## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Read your bible....don't worry so much about church....just read and reflect.


Thanks for the last item. My WW was with a friend from church and thats a bridge that for me is pretty well burned down. I think (deep thoughts) that its you personal relationship with God not the weekly meetings. And some churches seem to have shifted to either a weird new age thing or a "God is a concept by which we lead our lives" 

I don't pray everyday and I am not knocking on doors but I have faith that there is more to this universe then this speck of dust. To quote a movie "There has to be something better then man. There just HAS to be."


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

X-unknown said:


> Thanks for the last item. My WW was with a friend from church and thats a bridge that for me is pretty well burned down. I think (deep thoughts) that its you personal relationship with God not the weekly meetings. And some churches seem to have shifted to either a weird new age thing or a "God is a concept by which we lead our lives"
> 
> I don't pray everyday and I am not knocking on doors but I have faith that there is more to this universe then this speck of dust. To quote a movie "There has to be something better then man. There just HAS to be."



No problem X....It's very sad to me when people from "church" place road blocks in front of someone seeking the truth.

Good Luck.


----------

