# Am I just stupid?



## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

I found an email address that my husband used about 2 years ago, we have been married for 5 years. 

In it he answered personal ads off a dating website. He was explicit, describing himself and told the couple that he wanted to have sex with them. I found that he had answered about 15 other ads as well.

Now mind you I am not a prudish person. I am game for just about anything who is extremely hd. I am also not hard to look at. 

I am the one who always has to initiate with him, so I am thinking wth was he looking for. He told me it is because he has a low self-esteem and wanted someone to talk to.

I don't see how sending out pics of yourself and your parts could possibly start a conversation. 

I am by NO means perfect, but am I stupid to think that he could ever change?

He did this in a previous ltr. Answered ads and posted ads of himself, what made me think that he would stop doing that? 

I also found that he was in a serious relationship when we started dating (unbeknowst to me). He told me the usual - that he never really loved her. Just like he was SO extremely unhappy in his LTR that he needed to post ads of his "stuff" soliciting for sex for years before he got the boot from that relationship. 

Am I grasping at straws, am I stirring up crap. I care that he did it to me while we were married, after we had kids. Should I be concerned with STDs? 

Ugh...


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

I would be concerned with STDs, yes. My trust in him would be gone.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Hmm let me check the color of that flag....

Yup its RED.. get tested.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

He has a pattern of behavior in relationships. Doesn't look like he's stopped this pattern, even with you. It's kind of like his default setting.

I would be worried about STD's, so it would be prudent to get tested. Maybe he's looking for that one woman that will tolerate this kind of behavior and NOT send him packing. I don't think that's reasonable, but his actions don't scream that he's a reasonable man in the first place.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And for the record, you aren't stupid. You believed in him and trusted him. That doesn't make you stupid, it makes you human and someone who is capable of loving another person despite their past and faults.

At the very least, your eyes are wide open and you can see what's coming down the road. You are prepared.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get tested


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

This is a copy of the letter he wrote, without the smut.

From this do you think that he may have actually met this couple? He said he was just seeing "what they would say".

Hello,
>>> >My name is ****, I am a very normal acting educated polite person, no
>>> drama
>>> >and very respectful. I have a good sense of humor and play nicely with
>>> >others. As for my physical stats:
>>> >
>>> >I am (age weight height) (hair color eye color) I am disease drug free I have a six
>>> >(description) *** with (description)
>>> >
>>> >I would love to help you out to reach your quota of (smut) today. I could
>>> come
>>> >you if you want when you want.
>>> >
>>> >If we don't get to play today I would hope you could keep me in mind for
>>> >another time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IceQueen said:


> This is a copy of the letter he wrote, without the smut.
> 
> From this do you think that he may have actually met this couple? *He said he was just seeing "what they would say".*


You do realize that EVERY SINGLE PERSON that has solicited sex online outside of their relationship has told their patner the same thing "I was just joking/kidding/seeing what someone would say/I didn't meet up with anyone."

Right?

And yes, the intention was there. Because otherwise, why else would he do it.

Please get tested STAT


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you care if he actually met them?? He's obviously wanting to. That should be enough.

Get yourself tested for STDs and call a lawyer.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

A Bit much - I think you are absolutely correct. He was looking for someone who would put up with it. I don't think anyone would put up with a guy who only tries to initiate sex with other people and not his wife who is willing to try anything. 

Jellybeans- Your right. I have asked him at what point he would stop. He said he would just stop replying. 

I think he may be full of it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is no 'may' about it. He IS full of it.

Quit asking him anything and put a keylogger on his computer.

And GET TESTED FOR STD's.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IceQueen said:


> This is a copy of the letter he wrote, without the smut.
> 
> From this do you think that he may have actually met this couple? He said he was just seeing "what they would say".
> 
> ...



Does it matter if he met them or not? It sure wouldn't to me. He's advertising himself out and I'm sorry but that's out of bounds.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you are willing to sleep with him and etc, and he still does this then the problem is him, not you. Sounds like he has intimacy issues... this need to have sex with other people (and not you) especially since you said he's done this in previous relationships.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Wow I feel just terrible for you right now..........im almost speechless. I'd get tested and go for the trial separation at MINIMUM. Not sure what hoops he could jump thru that would give me a feel of any type of restored trust.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

I found this from an email written a couple of years ago... after we were married and had a kid. 

Now mind you that he never does anything to try to initiate with me, but that must be because I am stupid enough to put up with it. 

He tells me that it was because he didn't think we were serious at that point. 

THEN WHY DID YOU MARRY ME AND HAVE A KID WITH ME??? Why the hell didn't he just keep doing what he was doing and not drag me along. UGH


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

"He told me it is because he has a low self-esteem and wanted someone to talk to." -> UNACCEPTABLE answer, no matter how you try to look at it. Cheating IS Cheating. Get tested and if you find proof that he's still doing it, then you have no better choice but to leave him. ~mae


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Quit talking to him. He's LYING to you. Over and over.

Have you made the appt to get tested yet?

Do you know what a keylogger is?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

IceQueen

How old are you, your H and your child?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

IceQueen said:


> He was explicit, describing himself and told the couple that he wanted to have sex with them. ...
> 
> I am the one who always has to initiate with him, so I am thinking wth was he looking for. He told me it is because he has a low self-esteem and wanted someone to talk to.


There's another huge red flag here that no one has mentioned. 

He was looking for a couple. Not a woman, but a couple, which means he was looking for a man as well. Combine that with the fact that he is LD with you, and it points to a strong chance that he is gay, and looking for a couple instead of men to keep up appearances. I think you both are due for a long talk about his true sexuality.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IceQueen said:


> I found this from an email written a couple of years ago... after we were married and had a kid.
> 
> Now mind you that he never does anything to try to initiate with me, but that must be because I am stupid enough to put up with it.
> 
> ...


It's called cake eating. Why do one thing when you can have it ALL?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Sounds like he'll make a good ex-husband.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

I am mid-30's 
He is mid 40's


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IceQueen said:


> He tells me that it was because* he didn't think we were serious at that point*.





IceQueen said:


> I found this from an email written a couple of years ago... *after we were married and had a kid*


Yeah why even listen to his excuses. Cheap.


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## Iamlikeabird (May 1, 2013)

You are not stupid, you need to follow your instincts though. As one of the posts read above, maybe it has nothing to do with you maybe he is questioning his sexuality. Try talking to him or talk with a counselor together. Good luck


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

IceQueen said:


> This is a copy of the letter he wrote, without the smut.
> 
> From this do you think that he may have actually met this couple? He said he was just seeing "what they would say".
> 
> ...


I would never be able to get this out of my head.


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