# Married to a wife addicted to drugs that also cheated.



## Brian978 (Feb 26, 2021)

I am a 42 year old male and have been married to my wife for almost 4 years now. Before we got married I knew she had had a drug problem in the past, but had got clean and earned a master’s degree and had a good job. Shortly after we got married I found out she was buying and using nerve pills and suboxin. She claimed it was pain medicine for her bad discs in her back. I expressed my dislike for it in a nice way and tried to be patient hoping she would quit eventually. Around two years ago I found out she cheated on me with another woman that she used to get here drugs from and even worse they had been doing meth together also. She claimed to have broke it off with the other woman and stopped using meth. About a year ago she started staying up late and seeing things in the night sky claiming domes were following and spying on her. Eventually she started claiming to see demon faces in walls and other objects and always paranoid that her phone and computer was spying on her as well. She denied doing meth again. A few months ago she seemed to be doing better, but I found a meth pipe in a draw. She claimed that was from a year ago and that she wouldn’t take back using it, because it opened up her spiritual side. She still claims she hasn’t used it recently and is acting a little better. Regardless I still feel I can’t trust her and she still has shady friends that she gets her pills from. I have became increasingly more distant which is really bothering her. She tries to acts like it’s my fault and I didn’t try hard enough to help her stop, but I explained to her that it was a result of my distrust in her dealings with drugs. We have no kids together and we both are feeling the strain of the others actions. She also still maintains her job somehow and claims she is a functional addict. I still care about her and worry about he being on her own. I am so torn about what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

She is what she is. I see no problem there. You in the other hand have a problem, all you need to do is look at yourself in the mirror and that problem is reflecting back at you.

you are your own problem. What is it that keeps you tied to this wreck of a woman? are you so desperate, lacking self worth?, confidence? do you think of yourself so low that you think you can't get another woman? are you so grossly fat, out shape, looking hideous, or something that keeps you in this relationship? are you so dependent on her financially that keeps you as a beta male? No balls?
What is it? I can't see it from your post. You should have dumped her long ago, here we are 4 years laters and you still with her? she cheats, is an hallucinating drug addict and all you do is keep telling yourself "I don't trust her" and worry about her being on her own?? WTF man. DTMFA, you are being pathetic, while you could have been with a woman that is worthy, a long time ago. No kids, RUN.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I hate to say this to you, but there is NO happy ending to this. There is NO way she intends to stop, and NO way you can have any kind of real relationship with anyone who uses drugs. You aren't even dealing with the real person here, you are living with and dealing with THE ADDICT - the person who's sole focus is getting high. She cannot even see through her compulsion to use drugs to love or care about you, except in a self-serving, using kind of way. 

And the fact that she said it has ANYTHING at all to do with YOU not trying hard enough to stop her shows that she isn't even existing in any kind of reality -- it's NOT YOU!!! It's NOT your responsibility to stop her!!! That's rule #1 about addiction, THEY have to take full responsibility for their choices. She only said that so she could shift blame away from herself, so she could get away with using again. 

It makes me so sad to say this, but if you ever want to be happy, your only choice is to LEAVE, as soon as you can. You are doing absolutely NO good for you OR HER if you stay.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think on some level you like being her white night and trying to save her, look in the end you can't, if she decides to hurt herself she will do so and that is all on her, you need to physically and emotionally step away from her, otherwise she will take you down too. now you can argue all you want but in the end you know that this is true. you need to invest in finding our why you play this role in her life and probably in the life of others. But as the other posters noted you will need to leave this marriage. Now you can chose to listen or play the denial card and stay with her.


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## Brian978 (Feb 26, 2021)

I guess I just have been holding on and hoping things would change. I still care about her and remember the good times together. At this point most of the conflict is with myself, worrying I she will get worse without me around. I feel like I would be abandoning her and my young stepson. I have informed her parents and brother about what she has been doing, so that they could step in if I go, because they are used to this cycle she has been in most of her adult life.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Brian978 said:


> I guess I just have been holding on and hoping things would change. I still care about her and remember the good times together. At this point most of the conflict is with myself, worrying I she will get worse without me around. I feel like I would be abandoning her and my young stepson. I have informed her parents and brother about what she has been doing, so that they could step in if I go, because they are used to this cycle she has been in most of her adult life.


You cannot fix broken. You can however break yourself in the process.

You have been patient with your wife and you still care about her. You cannot say she feels the same way about you. Her actions clearly demonstrate this.

You have informed her family. You have done your best. It is time for you to let go and move on. If you give your wife the opportunity she will drag you down with her.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

marko polo said:


> *You cannot fix broken. You can however break yourself in the process.*
> 
> You have been patient with your wife and you still care about her. You cannot say she feels the same way about you. Her actions clearly demonstrate this.
> 
> You have informed her family. You have done your best. It is time for you to let go and move on. If you give your wife the opportunity she will drag you down with her.


Oh, THIS is SO well-put and perfectly said!!! And very important to understand!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I agree that it is up to her to fix herself.

I am amenable to a last effort at her getting herself clean.

Give her an ultimatum.

She should subject herself to regular blood testing.
Use: Quest Diagnosis.

If you think she needs help, she needs to go to a (drying out) treatment facility.

She needs to go no contact with toxic and enabling friends, and/or acquaintances.

If she refuses, she is divorcing herself from you.

Will this tactic and demand of yours work?
Odds are, it won't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Brian978 said:


> At this point most of the conflict is with myself, worrying I she will get worse without me around.


Well, you ARE around right now and she's still a mess. First thing for you to realize is this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Repeat as often as necessary. You should respect her enough to allow her to wallow in her addiction if she so desires. Let her - and her ALONE - face the consequences of her addiction(s).

You are exhibiting the classic behavior of an enabler. Time to step back from the addict. How old is your stepchild? First and foremost, the child should be placed in a safe, stable environment. Addicts wreck havoc on all the lives they touch. 

Time to consider getting yourself and a child out of this hot mess.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Brian978 said:


> I guess I just have been holding on and hoping things would change. I still care about her and remember the good times together. At this point most of the conflict is with myself, worrying I she will get worse without me around. I feel like I would be abandoning her and my young stepson. I have informed her parents and brother about what she has been doing, so that they could step in if I go, because they are used to this cycle she has been in most of her adult life.


I know...it's just an AWFUL situation for everyone. Since she is really only using you, the fact that you are there "protecting" her from getting worse just makes it possible for her to sink lower and lower without any consequences. Most users and addicts have got to lose everything before they can begin to accept that what they are doing is harmful and unsustainable.
And if she was clean before, SHE KNOWS what she's doing...she just wants to get away with as much of it as she can.

You cannot look at leaving as "abandoning" her...you are removing yourself from a toxic situation. It's not like you are leaving her under a bridge in the winter. And it's good that she has family, especially for her son, and it was a great idea for you to tell them. No matter what she says when you leave, you've got to remember that it's the user talking, not the real person who she is. 

You are NO help to her by staying and saving her from her consequences. And just like @marko polo said so well, you can damage yourself by attempting to do so.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can't be her savior. Do no have kids with this women.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Brian978 said:


> At this point most of the conflict is with myself, worrying I she will get worse without me around.


Addicts are like lead anchors, they WILL sink. 

The question is whether you let them take you down and drown you as well.


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## Brian978 (Feb 26, 2021)

I know what everyone saying is right and I know if she says she’s going to change that I can’t truly believe her after all the lies and cheating she has already done. With the type of people she deals with, it makes me afraid she could be cheating again. She is unhappy with me because I’m not loving or intimate and I’m unhappy with her because I lost trust in her. It probably would be a big relief to both of us if we did divorce.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Addicts have to hit bottom before THEY decide to get and stay sober. Right now she won't hit that bottom because you are there cushioning her falls. You need to step away, talk to her family about being concerned for the childs welfare, call social services if you feel it's needed. Right now you are enabling her addiction. Addicts love their drug more than any person that includes their spouse.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Brian978 said:


> I know what everyone saying is right and I know if she says she’s going to change that I can’t truly believe her after all the lies and cheating she has already done. With the type of people she deals with, it makes me afraid she could be cheating again. She is unhappy with me because I’m not loving or intimate and I’m unhappy with her because I lost trust in her. It probably would be a big relief to both of us if we did divorce.


Plus, it might help you to think of it as, she IS cheating at the very least with her drugs -- it's the same thing as adultery. She is using the drugs to the exclusion of all else, especially you - she is betraying you, lying, stealing from your time together, wasting money, focusing only on herself, altering her mind and numbing her emotions...all while using YOU to meet the other needs she has. It's the same thing as cheating with another person. You are locked out, while she retreats from her marriage to you and selfishly gratifies herself. I'm so very SORRY!!

YES, you definitely should divorce, but if it makes it easier, break it up into smaller steps - move out, talk to a lawyer, have her served, etc etc - just keep taking steps to disconnect from her and get control over yourself and your life again.
You are going to need to mourn the loss of your marriage...maybe for a while. So give yourself that as well. Just keep moving forward through it, and you will get through it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Brian978 said:


> I know what everyone saying is right and I know if she says she’s going to change that I can’t truly believe her after all the lies and cheating she has already done. With the type of people she deals with, it makes me afraid she could be cheating again. She is unhappy with me because I’m not loving or intimate and I’m unhappy with her because I lost trust in her. It probably would be a big relief to both of us if we did divorce.


Okay what if you tell her that you right now want to separate and divorce, then tell her this is completely on her, if she wants to save this relationship she needs to come clean and fix herself and stop cheating, if you see a huge and i mean a complete 360 with her then you would stop the divorce but if not the divorce will go through...my odds is that she does not have it in her to change that much...this way you can walk away having done everything, and not look back


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Divorce her and stop wasting your life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I believe you are going in the right direction.

Divorce would be the best option I believe.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Brian978 said:


> I guess I just have been holding on and hoping things would change. I still care about her and remember the good times together.


What good times exactly? You said she started using RIGHT AFTER you got married -- she had her "stable" guy who would be there when she fell knowing you would catch her. What "good" times could you have had with her using drugs as soon as you got married, she cheated on you only a couple of years into the marriage? What good times?


Brian978 said:


> I know what everyone saying is right and I know if she says she’s going to change that I can’t truly believe her after all the lies and cheating she has already done. With the type of people she deals with, it makes me afraid she could be cheating again. She is unhappy with me because I’m not loving or intimate and I’m unhappy with her because I lost trust in her. It probably would be a big relief to both of us if we did divorce.


You can't believe her -- she has been continually lying to you.
She has shady friends THAT SHE IS STILL GETTING PILLS from -- she is STILL taking drugs! That isn't for disk pain -- if it was that bad, she'd have gone to an ortho Dr to have it worked on/fixed.
SHE is unhappy because you aren't loving -- what about HER? SHE has been lying to you, SHE has cheated on you, you think she may be back to her old cheating ways, and she is STILL taking drugs? Oh poor her that you aren't loving or intimate enough. Seriously what does she expect?

I would at the very least call a few divorce attorneys to at least understand what that path means for you financially, etc.. You can feel BAD for her and her child, but you that doesn't mean you should sacrifice YOUR life especially since it doesn't appear that she wants to correct any of her issues.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Brian978 said:


> She also still maintains her job somehow


YOU are the somehow. YOU provide her a stable enough base which allows her to present herself as normal enough to not get canned.

Your support is the only thing keeping her from plummeting towards rock bottom, which is all fine and noble BUT shields her from the consequences of her self-destructive behaviour.

SHE needs to smack that rock bottom good and hard to wake herself up, to make her WANT to get herself better.

I supported one of my sons through a years long downwards spiral of self induced drug destruction which seemed unrecoverable. Finally feeling utterly defeated we backed off and washed our hands of him. It was only then that he crashed to the ground. And then, in despair, became honest with himself and sought out our guidance on getting himself into treatment and followed through on it, got the monkey off his back and never let it back on. Now, half a dozen years later ... clean, doesn't even drink, career, life partner, house, pets, a future. 

Why do we fall? So that we can get back up.

Let her fall. It's the only thing that will wake her up.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Brian978 said:


> I am a 42 year old male and have been married to my wife for almost 4 years now. Before we got married I knew she had had a drug problem in the past, but had got clean and earned a master’s degree and had a good job. Shortly after we got married I found out she was buying and using nerve pills and suboxin. She claimed it was pain medicine for her bad discs in her back. I expressed my dislike for it in a nice way and tried to be patient hoping she would quit eventually. Around two years ago I found out she cheated on me with another woman that she used to get here drugs from and even worse they had been doing meth together also. She claimed to have broke it off with the other woman and stopped using meth. About a year ago she started staying up late and seeing things in the night sky claiming domes were following and spying on her. Eventually she started claiming to see demon faces in walls and other objects and always paranoid that her phone and computer was spying on her as well. She denied doing meth again. A few months ago she seemed to be doing better, but I found a meth pipe in a draw. She claimed that was from a year ago and that she wouldn’t take back using it, because it opened up her spiritual side. She still claims she hasn’t used it recently and is acting a little better. Regardless I still feel I can’t trust her and she still has shady friends that she gets her pills from. I have became increasingly more distant which is really bothering her. She tries to acts like it’s my fault and I didn’t try hard enough to help her stop, but I explained to her that it was a result of my distrust in her dealings with drugs. We have no kids together and we both are feeling the strain of the others actions. She also still maintains her job somehow and claims she is a functional addict. I still care about her and worry about he being on her own. I am so torn about what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.


Eject!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you describe is a woman no reasonable person would possibly stay married to. Why are you so unreasonable?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> What you describe is a woman no reasonable person would possibly stay married to. Why are you so unreasonable?


Hopefully he is working on disconnecting right now.

But it's just not as simple as that...I suppose it's like hesitating to end a relationship for any reason - we feel hope, fear, obligation, need.

It is SO hard to handle important relationships objectively -- it's best to do so, especially when we have to make difficult choices, but it's not natural to do so...relationships are meant to be PERSONAL, and they represent our deepest desires and wishes. It seems like a handicap, but it's actually the reason they are so rewarding when we find someone special who cares about us as well.


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## Brian978 (Feb 26, 2021)

Even though I knew she was taking drugs, I tried to be understanding and patient hoping she would eventually stop. Most the time she seemed normal and totally functional. On occasions you could tell she was high or that she was starting to withdraw if she couldn’t find what she needed. I guess I pushed everything down and tried to look past it all. The financial toll has been bad as well because we literally live paycheck to paycheck. We both get paid every two weeks and split the bills evenly. Within a week she is broke and I have to give her money even though she earns more than me. The big issues of our arguments lately have been my lack of affection towards her, she even insinuates that I’m cheating, which I haven’t even came close to doing. I guess the fact she can’t get access to any of my accounts helps fuels this. The reason I prevent this is because she will go into all settings in accounts or devices and totally screw them up because of her paranoia. Over the last year she is always thinking someone is hacking these devices or accounts and spying on her. She thinks it’s me or her employers. I have had to reset phones and laptops because she has messed them up so bad. It seems like everything all leads back to the root cause, drugs.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> What good times exactly? You said she started using RIGHT AFTER you got married -- she had her "stable" guy who would be there when she fell knowing you would catch her. What "good" times could you have had with her using drugs as soon as you got married, she cheated on you only a couple of years into the marriage? What good times?



Expanding on this a little further - what good times did you have with her, that you would not be able to have with a healthy, functional, sane, sober, faithful person??


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Hey Brian. Listen to the others here... And listen to YOUR GUT.
I was with a cheater who did drugs, hid them from me. I knew about the pot, couldn't miss that - fine, whatever. But she knew I would have problems with her doing the hard stuff. For two years I delt with lies, cheating, mindgames... I felt sorry for her, was doing my best to be understanding, tried to save our relationship. It was broken promises after another. There were good times, but then the bad times really sucked, that usually happened when she got busted again. It's childish crap that is and will continue to suck the life out of you. Her accusing YOU of cheating is a red flag that she is already cheating. You risk getting STDS and more heartbreak as you get more D-Days. My cheating EX was jealous and accused me of cheating and such a number of times, which never ever happened. Not even close. That tactic is designed to make you think "well if she's upset thinking I'm cheating - then she can't be cheating."

Your ability to escape from her is easy. NO KIDS! And DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT.
You cannot fix her addiction problem, and she's not even close to hitting rock bottom. You don't want to see that and you will be long gone before then... that's when she's giving out BJs for a cup of cat food to feed her cat, but even lower, much lower. You're a young 42yrs old and every month you are with her, is a month that YOU are not healing and getting healthy enough to be in a relationship with a much better woman. I know you love her. It sucks. But she's broken that trust and its never-ending. The goal post is always moving and your boundaries are weak. At one point will you FOR SURE be done with her? How about promise yourself "She lies to me one more time, or cheats, or accuses me of cheating, etc. I'm 100% done with her" - Please do that now.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Brian978 said:


> Within a week she is broke and I have to give her money even though she earns more than me. ~~~~ It seems like everything all leads back to the root cause, drugs.


When I was with my ex-wife, I made a bit more money than she did. So I paid a bit more in bills. She had more "play money". Also, for many months thou, she was making good money but not much of it came to our household. I didn't know how bad it was until I helped file her taxes, and even then - it didn't click or I was fooling myself on how much money she was blowing on drugs and such because I didn't know what she was buying back then.

I also blamed her cheating and lies on her drinking. _*This is my mistake and THIS YOUR MISTAKE!*_ *The root cause is NOT DRUGS!! *
The root cause is HER. The drugs are a symptom of other issues she has. There are drug users who don't cheat. This is an infidelity site rather than someone with substance abuse issues. Many cheaters have other addictions. You can classify what kind they are all you want, but in the end... she is cheating and blaming you. Look up narcissism videos on youtube from HG Tudor, Little Shaman, and some others. Thriving surviving (?)

So let's say you pull the "I'm done lever".

This is VERY important. Since she's a liar and a drug user... Whatever evidence of this, protect it. if you're in a state that allows you to record conversations with her (like with your phone) but YOU must be in the conversation with her... Then record yourself having a sit-down conversation about her drug usage... in that, she's talking about Meth, her dopey friends, her cheating... come in as your issues with the relationship and how she can fix herself. (put your phone in airplane mode. Make sure the screen is off). This may come in handy.
The more she feels you are moving away, the more erratic she may become, more drugs and cheating.

Then come up with an escape plan. Make a list of what to do and in the order of doing it. Such as your bank account (if she has a PW, then be prepared to change it)
Do NOT tell her your thinking about divorce. You are already past that.
Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Even if its a 1hr consult or local laws.

Pack your stuff while she's at work. Put it in storage. Arrange to sleep on someone's sofa (safe, with COVID issues) - or wait it out a few months until you get vaxed.
Then before she comes home, meet her elsewhere or outside the home. Tell her that you're done with the relationship, you're divorcing her.

If you cannot afford a lawyer, then go to the county courthouse and see if you qualify for indigent status which would allow you to file and have her served with the fees wavied. But overall, expect to spend about $400 for the divorce depending on which state you live in. If you go this route, then you can move your stuff out, go to court and file... tell her later that day, and she'll be served the next day or two.

Do NOT ever have sex with her again. EVER! You get her pregnant, you'll be paying child-support for the next 18 years. You're 42 now, so that'll be age 60+.
A local buddy of mine made the mistake of banging his cheating ex-wife ONE time. (after being caught cheating on him with over 20 guys over a 10 year period) And yep, she got pregnant. So he foolishly tried the relationship with her, again. Before that new baby was 1 years old, she cheated again. He's back to square one. Legally too.

If you have sex with her during the divorce, that can be used against you.
You want that divorce to be over QUICK! If she gets pregnant by another guy, then you'll be paying child support.

Look out for yourself first, because she's already using you. Figure out your plan, then put it to action.

The guys on this site helped saved my ass, but I still messed up on some parts of the execution. Had I talked to these guys when I caught her the last time, came up with an escape plan, got my ducks in a row before I confronted her, my life would be much better today.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Brian978 said:


> Even though I knew she was taking drugs, I tried to be understanding and patient hoping she would eventually stop. Most the time she seemed normal and totally functional. On occasions you could tell she was high or that she was starting to withdraw if she couldn’t find what she needed. I guess I pushed everything down and tried to look past it all. The financial toll has been bad as well because we literally live paycheck to paycheck. We both get paid every two weeks and split the bills evenly. Within a week she is broke and I have to give her money even though she earns more than me. The big issues of our arguments lately have been my lack of affection towards her, she even insinuates that I’m cheating, which I haven’t even came close to doing. I guess the fact she can’t get access to any of my accounts helps fuels this. The reason I prevent this is because she will go into all settings in accounts or devices and totally screw them up because of her paranoia. Over the last year she is always thinking someone is hacking these devices or accounts and spying on her. She thinks it’s me or her employers. I have had to reset phones and laptops because she has messed them up so bad. It seems like everything all leads back to the root cause, drugs.


As I said above, is she providing anything that a normal, sobering, functional, faithful person can’t?

You aren’t even wanting to have sex with her so I’m not seeing the benefit for having to deal with all this torment and hardship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Brian978 said:


> It seems like everything all leads back to the root cause, drugs.


This is where you are falling down and making the mistake that enablers and codependents all make.

The root problem is not drugs. 

The root problem is bad character. 

It was bad character and lack of impulse control and good decision making capability that lead to the drugs. 

Same with the cheating. 

She is of low character, low functioning and low moral standard. 

She is simply a bad product.

The drugs are merely a sign of that.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Brian978 said:


> Even though I knew she was taking drugs, I tried to be understanding and patient hoping she would eventually stop. Most the time she seemed normal and totally functional. On occasions you could tell she was high or that she was starting to withdraw if she couldn’t find what she needed. I guess I pushed everything down and tried to look past it all. The financial toll has been bad as well because we literally live paycheck to paycheck. We both get paid every two weeks and split the bills evenly. Within a week she is broke and I have to give her money even though she earns more than me. The big issues of our arguments lately have been my lack of affection towards her, she even insinuates that I’m cheating, which I haven’t even came close to doing. I guess the fact she can’t get access to any of my accounts helps fuels this. The reason I prevent this is because she will go into all settings in accounts or devices and totally screw them up because of her paranoia. Over the last year she is always thinking someone is hacking these devices or accounts and spying on her. She thinks it’s me or her employers. I have had to reset phones and laptops because she has messed them up so bad. It seems like everything all leads back to the root cause, drugs.


I hope you can now see that your way of handling her up to this point IS NOT working to get you what you want - your marriage back, the woman you married back, your hopes for the future back...NONE of that is coming back. It was all an illusion, and the sooner you can be strong and face those FACTS, the sooner you can step off the crazy-train and create a new future for yourself. 

DO NOT give her ANY access to your accounts - when she wants to get high, she will use ANY rationalization to spend ALL the money. Another reason she might be "paranoid" about the accounts is to cover her tracks when she's used money that should have gone on bills on drugs.

You must see that living with someone who is behaving this way is just NOT possible. You can leave now, while things are relatively ok and not totally falling apart...or you can wait until your lives are a complete train wreck and you both hate eachother and you have nothing left. The only way this is going is DOWN.

SHE IS NOT CHANGING BACK. What you are seeing is the REAL person she is. Be sad, mourn your loss...but LEAVE before you are emotionally shredded.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@Brian978, the root of HER problems are bad character and just simply being a bad egg. 

The root of YOUR torment and hardships and discontent is not really her and her foibles. 

The root of your issues is your own self esteem and sense of self worth.

Deep down you believe this is the only woman you can get and your only chance at love and connection and your only option for having sex and that if this relationship ends, then you won’t have sex again and will die alone and be eaten by your cats. 

This is ultimately what needs to be fixed. You cannot fix her or what is broken inside of her. 

But you can fix what is broken inseide of you so that you can come to realize that you don’t have to settle for this rotting fruit decaying on the ground. 

Fix yourself so you understand and accept your own worth and value and then you won’t feel this train wreck is your only option. 

When you have worth and value, you have options and if you discover someone is broken, you don’t have to be their rescuer or repairman, you simply wish them well and move on to the next. 

Get away from her so she doesn’t drag you down with her and then work on repairing yourself so you don’t find yourself being brought down by these anchors anymore.

Some people are sails in your life that lift you up and help you go places you want to go.

Others are anchors that take you off of your course and pull you down. 

She is obviously a great big heavy lead anchor.... time to cut her line so you don’t drown.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Brian978 said:


> Even though I knew she was taking drugs, I tried to be understanding and patient hoping she would eventually stop. Most the time she seemed normal and totally functional. On occasions you could tell she was high or that she was starting to withdraw if she couldn’t find what she needed. I guess I pushed everything down and tried to look past it all. The financial toll has been bad as well because we literally live paycheck to paycheck. We both get paid every two weeks and split the bills evenly. Within a week she is broke and I have to give her money even though she earns more than me. The big issues of our arguments lately have been my lack of affection towards her, she even insinuates that I’m cheating, which I haven’t even came close to doing. I guess the fact she can’t get access to any of my accounts helps fuels this. The reason I prevent this is because she will go into all settings in accounts or devices and totally screw them up because of her paranoia. Over the last year she is always thinking someone is hacking these devices or accounts and spying on her. She thinks it’s me or her employers. I have had to reset phones and laptops because she has messed them up so bad. It seems like everything all leads back to the root cause, drugs.


I was wondering, have you done any research into what Meth and Suboxone do to the brain...??
It is VERY bad, and almost always PERMANENT damage.

And for her, it's NEVER going to be as simple as "she will eventually stop"...this is a LIFELONG affliction. She will be tempted FOREVER - into her 50s and 60s and longer - and she will need treatment for it for the rest of her life.
She will never be able to be a full partner to you. She will forever be an addict, even if she can get treatment and stay clean for the rest of her life (which is looking doubtful right now).

To people who aren't addicted, we just cannot understand. It's easy for ME - I make a choice about not doing something, and I don't do it. But for people who are chronic users, it's not that simple. The voices in their heads telling them they can use just once more, or that they are just trying to have fun, or there isn't any real harm, or that they want to so they can/should do it, are all louder and more insistent in their heads.

You are looking at a lifelong struggle WITH her if you stay. It will always be like THIS, and this isn't even that bad right now. It can (and eventually WILL) get so much worse.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Meth??!! Ummmm...divorce. it doesn't get any easier than that. If you stay you'll be kissing a toothless woman soon.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

After reading the responses from me and others here about her drugs abuse, and for you to WORK on you.
We are not saying any one of these things to be mean to you or consider you less of a person or any form of insult.

We're warning you because WE went through this hell ourselves. We made those same mistakes as well as watched others do the same thing. I posted here a long time ago "you don't know her like I know her!" "She's great!" "She's getting better, going to AA!" I even talked to cops who were handy, sitting in their car about being concerned about drug abuse with a woman I cared so much for. Their response? "Always an addict. Always drama, problems. Walk away."

We care. We know you are hurting. 
Leave her now will be much better than when things get REALLY BAD. On the "you're living in hell" scale of 1 to 100. Things are about a 5~10, based on what you've said.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There is no hope or possibility of a tolerable outcome when married to a drug addict, particularly a meth addict other than rock freaking bottom. Now add cheating to that list— with other women????? Dude, this is absolute metaphysical certitude that you should divorce before you get caught up in her illegal activities and shot by a dealer or jailed by the cops.
Your wife is a nightmare. Just see a lawyer and end it. There is nothing to ponder here.

Addict, cheater, lesbian —— what else do we need to add to the list to make you see what you’re dealing with here. It just doesn’t really get a lot worse as far as things in a marriage that can’t be tolerated.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Addict, cheater, lesbian —— what else do we need to add to the list to make you see what you’re dealing with here. It just doesn’t really get a lot worse as far as things in a marriage that can’t be tolerated.


What difference does it make if it's with other women or men? Cheating is cheating, and with that much nasty drugs - she is likely doing anyone. Lesbian, not -she's bisexual or tri-sexual (Tries anything). The constant illegal activity with other drug users/dealers can easily lead to other crimes, such as people trying to break into your home, or she pisses off the wrong person.
Also, a problem, if you get pulled over for speeding or tail-light, ec... and they search her and find drugs, you'll most likely be going down with her. It happens quite a lot. A friend of mine went to prison for a year because her boyfriend was dealing with some drugs, she happened to be in the car with him. Yeah, she was done with him after that.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Brian, I hate to break it to you my man, but its common practice for a dealer to require both money and puzzy as the price of drugs. And it ain't no problem for the drug addict chick to barter BJs and puzzy as part pay for the drugs they desire. Youre on the highway to hell with this dame. If you just can't turn her loose, you'll end up a road kill beside the road.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TaDor said:


> What difference does it make if it's with other women or men? Cheating is cheating, and with that much nasty drugs - she is likely doing anyone. Lesbian, not -she's bisexual or tri-sexual (Tries anything). The constant illegal activity with other drug users/dealers can easily lead to other crimes, such as people trying to break into your home, or she pisses off the wrong person.
> Also, a problem, if you get pulled over for speeding or tail-light, ec... and they search her and find drugs, you'll most likely be going down with her. It happens quite a lot. A friend of mine went to prison for a year because her boyfriend was dealing with some drugs, she happened to be in the car with him. Yeah, she was done with him after that.


To me, it makes a difference because if she likes women and having sex with them, she’s unlikely to be all that turned on by men.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a marriage where a woman likes to be with other women and stayed with a man. 
But I agree, cheating is cheating. It just seems particularly hard to wrap my head around.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> To me, it makes a difference because if she likes women and having sex with them, she’s unlikely to be all that turned on by men.
> I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a marriage where a woman likes to be with other women and stayed with a man.
> But I agree, cheating is cheating. It just seems particularly hard to wrap my head around.


Cheating is cheating, but women aren’t as binary as you are suggesting above. 

Women can have hot passionate, animalistic sex with one gender... and then turn around and have close intimate and tender love making with the other gender the same day....

....and then reverse the roles and the genders the next day. 

But the issue here in this situation is not bisexuality or sexual fluidity but rather drug addition and lack of moral compass and any semblance of healthy boundaries.

Even heterosexual male drug addicts will give BJs and take it from behind for meth money or their next hit. 

This isn’t about her sexual preferences but rather lack of character, lack of healthy boundaries and functionality as a human being.


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