# Question that I'm hoping men can help me with.



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

My Husband of three years is a very good provider and has never made me feel like He doesn't love me. However in the bedroom, there is zilch unless I make 100% effort and then it's lets get this over with. I've never had this happen to me before and I'm feeling very hurt and lately I've been having thoughts of contacting some Male Friends that I know love sex so I can get what I'm missing here. I would not want to ever hurt my husband but we've talked and talked about it and He tells me He will work on it and it doesn't change. What else can I do?
PS. Yes I've used the toys and tried pleasing myself. However that only satisfies things for a little and cannot replace the real thing.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I could have written this post myself. If I knew what to do I would definitely share it with you. It sounds like you have talked to your husband until you are blue in the face with no change, same here. I keep reading this forum and taking what I can from it. 

I am actually considering individual counseling to see what I can do as I realize I can't change him, I can only change my reaction to the situation. 

I am sorry you are here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When did this lack of interest in sex start?


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Thank You Where_Are-We --- Sorry to hear you are also going through it. I don't know about you but I feel it's something very special only a husband and wife share together and it's a huge void in my life. It's nice to at least have others to talk to.

ElEGirl - Just before we moved Him up here - He worked a week straight through to move and sell His things and we didn't have sex that week and I knew He was exhausted - It was down Hill from there.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I am sorry you will have to hear all of the "he must be gay" remarks, I suspect more of those remarks will be forthcoming (like on your other thread).

Some men just aren't that sexual, though. While it is difficult for other men (who are more sexual) to believe this, it is true. So the men around here most likely will have no idea what could be "wrong" with your husband (because the men around here tend to be more sexual than their wives).

IMO, there is nothing "wrong" with him, he just isn't a very sexual person...and you likely will not be able to change this in him.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

This is a tired response but possibly his Testosterone levels are low. It is not the magical cure, as I have discovered from reading the many threads on here. 

Is he pretty laid-back, let and let live, on most things?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Has he always been this way? Perhaps his testosterone level is low and that is zapping his libido.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

He is pretty laid back for the most part. He lets a lot of things roll of His shoulders. I was worried someone would say it's not likely to change. This is not good news for me


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Perhaps his testosterone level is low and that is zapping his libido.


Yup, check that. His age? Is he in decent shape? Does he hit the weights or the sofa? 

Is he depressed and on meds?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

look deep at yourself if this is a deal breaker then tell him and file for divorce. don't be a $hitbird and cheat.

so you have a difficult decision to make and most time. they are the hardest to make. 

in the long run both of you will be happier if you just call it quits.

maybe showing him divorce papers will snap him into reality and he will put more effort into it but I would guess it will be short term and just barley what your really looking for in a partner.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

thunderstruck said:


> Yup, check that. His age? Is he in decent shape? Does he hit the weights or the sofa?
> 
> Is he depressed and on meds?


These are important factors. Also, how long has he been like this? Was he ever different?


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## ladylaker (Sep 21, 2013)

I'm thinking instead of suggesting something maybe wrong with him, when you speak to him, suggest that you may suspect that you may be doing something wrong that disinterests him. Even though you may think otherwise, suggest going to your doctor together, OR a marriage sex counselor/therapist might be recommended. He may be afraid to go and think that YOU may see him as less than a man. Assure him that you love him and that you want ALL aspects of your marriage at an optimum healthy stage. If he needs some hormones, he may not need them forever. Reassure him that at some point you too may need some hormones when you approach menopause. Every ones bodies are different and we all go thru life cycles. 

Shift some blame on yourself, and be willing to accept blame if some revelation comes to the surface. If you truly love each other, be willing to support one another, restate your loving wedded vows, reassurance is key no matter the outcome, medical or mental. He may not let things "Roll Off" as you say like you think. He may internalize problems and if so that can lead to other health risks that could be much worse. 
Good Luck.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Your original post is very short. You have to tell us a lot more about him. Most similar posts to yours are much longer. I have already replied to such posts in the past, and I do believe that unless there is something medically wrong with him there is plenty you can do about it. The best thing is of course if you can get him to come on here to discuss it.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

He is 49 and in good health. He doesn't go to gym but as I said before, He works 13 to 14 hours a day and 7 days a week. We work two of those days together doing car shows. I have gone to him and asked him if there was something I am doing. If there was something I could do to help our sex life. He says complaining about sex all the time makes Him not want to do it more. So I stopped complaining and didn't say anything. I just marked it down as he just didn't want sex. Then I walked into the garage one day and caught him masturbating. I can't explain enough how crushed I was. It was like someone punched me in the gut. I didn't say anything and started crying and got in the car and drove off riding around feeling like a worthless peace of dirt. All that time I was telling myself he just didn't want sex and it wasn't me and then that. When I finally went home we didn't talk for awhile. He came in the room and said he was extremely embarrassed and I tried to tell him how it hurt me and made me feel and I asked him how many times he was doing that and he said a few. He swore it wasnt me. There is something deep there and I don't know what it's going to take for him to tell me but my self as-team has taken a serious nose dive.
I'm 45 and never had any trouble with men in bed. As a matter of fact several have contacted me after and tried to get back together. It totally baffles me at what is going on here.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> When did this lack of interest in sex start?





mitzi said:


> ElEGirl - Just before we moved Him up here - He worked a week straight through to move and sell His things and we didn't have sex that week and I knew He was exhausted - It was down Hill from there.


Am I missing something?


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Well he does seem to overwork. 
You say if you make the effort he does respond. So thats a start he doesnt refuse you. 
So you have to somehow make the 'effort' differently. Maybe a bit more passive and give him more of a chance to do things his way. Not to comment about it afterwards. Make sure he is very relaxed and not strained. Maybe others can help.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

What are you missing?


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## NorCalMan (Dec 14, 2011)

Sounds like he may be addicted to porn and mastaurbating. As a result, he's not interested in having sex with you. It is becoming a major problem for alot of couples these days.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

ladylaker;4786794
Shift some blame on yourself said:


> I tried this approach with mine.
> 
> These are some the questions I asked over the past year:
> 
> ...


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

NorCalMan said:


> Sounds like he may be addicted to porn and mastaurbating. As a result, he's not interested in having sex with you. It is becoming a major problem for alot of couples these days.


I often wonder about this too with men who have low/no desire. And they come to prefer it? If they are secretive about porn use even if the partner does not care they do it, is that an indicator of addiction?


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I've done all that. I asked him what I could do to help fix things and he just says either one he is to stressed because we had no work or two he is to overwhelmed by work. 

He tells me all the time He doesn't like skinny women (I'm not big but I could be smaller). 

As far as masturbating, could be. I just can't wrap my head around it. If I say to Him we are not compatible together and maybe it's best we just do our own things and go our own separate ways, he gets extremely upset and tells me that will never happen. I just know I am hurting pretty bad right now because I just want to feel like I'm wanted and desired and I'm not feeling that.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

It sounds like the first step is certainly you both need to be seeing a MC and I would recommend you see a counselor seperately. If you can't seem to find one, try liveperson online. I have found some very good counselors to talk to. You're marriage needs a complete assessment not only of the sex but also the basic intimacy and emotional attachment. Sometimes it's best to treat the marriage and sex together and not as seperate issues


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks Pierre - I will look into that.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Mitzi I read in one of your first responses that it started going down hill when you moved and he sold his things what things exactly eg. Motorbikes, jet ski or boat, fishing gear maybe I know from personal experience that without my outlets ie my toys (motorbikes and my cars) I get annoyed at life and for me I could have sex 1000000 times but it wouldn't do the same for me as a ride or a good weekend away camping. So I guess just see if he is still doing his hobbies/fun outlets and if not that probably what's throwing the sex life out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

aeasty - He did have to sell His prize possession maverick he built from scratch and his late dads antique buick he had a (Friend) store for him got sold by the sold call friend. I know all that put a lot of weight on his shoulders. I do see how that could effect him. I have tried to accommodate and take in consideration for that. He is building another hot rod and I let him do what he needs to do with that. I don't know what else I can do.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

From what I have read, I would say that he is overworked. In my early 20's, I worked 70+ hours per week. I was single and living alone. I did not have the energy or drive to even masturbate. I would perform on myself only about once or twice every two weeks. All I wanted was sleep and food. The hottest woman on earth could have been naked and waiting for me and I would have given her a rain check.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Well that's a positive note for me lol. I do know he is exhausted. Again I have been trying to accept all of these. However and not to be sounding sleezy or anything but a vibrator only does so much. My body is longing for so much and it very much need.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Well that's a positive note for me lol. I do know he is exhausted. Again I have been trying to accept all of these. However and not to be sounding sleezy or anything but a vibrator only does so much. My body is longing for so much and it very much need.


I more than understand. We are at a whopping five times this year and three of them were conception sex. I am trying to will myself out of it but I crave the emotional benefits of sex.

Anyways, he needs to possibly work less. I know that is easy for me to say being that I do not know the whole story. More energy and more time to consider the other parts of life.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

He doesn't even have to worry about any of that with me! He's got it pretty made but I guess I must not be like most other women because I've never not wanted to have sex.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

It may not be so much about exhaustion but priorities. There is just not enough time in the day sometimes to take care of the more nagging priorities in life. Work, kids, the house, the cars, the yard, and then when those are done then we can be intimate. 

Would you say that is accurate? If it is not, feel free to correct me.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I don't know if I so much agree with that. If he had a friend show up here that needed his help, he would be there to help them. His wife needs help and yet I'm the last on the list. There is no kids at home, the house is my job and the cars well that's what he does for work. I know the old saying goes that whatever you do for work, your own stuff never gets done. However I do not believe your wife should be one of them.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'd say check into Erectile dysfunction. Even with all of the "commercials" it is still an Ego blow.


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## Myzilra0301 (Oct 11, 2013)

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for 5+ years but is suffering from depression so he takes lexapro which caused him to have 0 sex drive. We haven't done it in over 5 years. 3 weeks ago, I asked him if he didn't want to have sex anymore and that's when he told me the effects of lexapro but he said he's just recently started taking Wellbutrin to negate the effects of lexapro. Told him we're like roommates and if our marriage doesn't,'t get better in a year we'll just separate.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

He has no problem getting it up when we finally do have sex. I think it's more he just works himself to exhaustion every day and has no room for anything else.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

mitzi said:


> I don't know if I so much agree with that. If he had a friend show up here that needed his help, he would be there to help them. His wife needs help and yet I'm the last on the list. There is no kids at home, the house is my job and the cars well that's what he does for work. I know the old saying goes that whatever you do for work, your own stuff never gets done. However I do not believe your wife should be one of them.


You are in a similar boat with me. It would seem that it would be worth examining if he has ED, low T levels, or some sort of anxiety. If you have already been down this road then feel free to ignore me.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

My Husband takes wellbutrin and holy crap! There is NO WAY I would make it five years let alone 5 months! Sorry you are going through that. I hope the new meds help with that!


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> You are in a similar boat with me. It would seem that it would be worth examining if he has ED, low T levels, or some sort of anxiety. If you have already been down this road then feel free to ignore me.


I wouldn't ignore you. Thank you for taking the time to try and help me figure it out! I have asked him to talk to the doctor about it and see if there is something they can figure out. He never does.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

mitzi said:


> My Husband takes wellbutrin and holy crap! There is NO WAY I would make it five years let alone 5 months! Sorry you are going through that. I hope the new meds help with that!


How long has he been on wellbutrin? Anti-depressants are notorious for causing problems in libido. Could that be it?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

someone90 said:


> How long has he been on wellbutrin? Anti-depressants are notorious for causing problems in libido. Could that be it?


Wellbutrin is notorious for increasing libido. It's one of the rare ones that does this.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your hubby sounds like my wife.

If you work too many hours and are very stressed out and tired, sex is the last thing on your mind. All you'll want to do is eat, relax and sleep, to go back to work the next day all over again.

5 years of this? WOW!!!

He needs to at least give you oral sex, and maybe use a vib on you at the same time, orgasms big time, if he isn't in the mood and can't perform.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Wellbutrin is notorious for increasing libido. It's one of the rare ones that does this.


Are you sure it's the same for men?
Anti depressants make it almost impossible for men to have orgasms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

someone90 said:


> Are you sure it's the same for men?
> Anti depressants make it almost impossible for men to have orgasms.


Yes I'm sure it's the same for men.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Your hubby sounds like my wife.
> 
> If you work too many hours and are very stressed out and tired, sex is the last thing on your mind. All you'll want to do is eat, relax and sleep, to go back to work the next day all over again.
> 
> ...


Your kitty is pretty umm teasing LOL! Yes I know..if only it was that easy to demand anything! I only know that something has to change. I can't keep going without


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Yes I know wellbutrin is hard on the libido. He is also not using the way He should. I can't do anything if He doesn't want to change to help our marriage.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> If you work too many hours and are very stressed out and tired, sex is the last thing on your mind. All you'll want to do is eat, relax and sleep, to go back to work the next day all over again.


In the 90s we were raising a preschooler, working part time, going to grad school full time with research duties etc, and had another baby while in school. 

Twenty years later I had to work 60 hours a week for a very generous client for 9 months. I don't ever recall being too tired for sex.

In fact sex is what relieves stress and helps one make it thru rough times assuming they see the light or buy a clue or two.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

mitzi said:


> He is 49 and in good health. He doesn't go to gym but as I said before, He works 13 to 14 hours a day and 7 days a week.


So he works 91 to 98 a week, 7 days a week, never ever taking a break? Are you kidding me? How is he even alive let alone wanting sex?

That schedule is tough for a person in their twenties, let alone someone nearly 50. He needs to cut a day or two out of that schedule or cut back to 8 hours a day maximum. His health and your sex life desperately need it.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let me throw in my professional experience in the above. 

It really depends on what type of work it is. If it involves manual labor after a while productivity and quality diminish significantly and the body learns to pace or adapt itself to produce less work per hour. 

If it involves customer facing positions after 8-9 hours error rate increases, patience and so on decrease, etc.

If it involves professional work like engineering etc after 10 hours or so the brain does not work as well - so less work is produced, more errors creep in, etc.

The above is very simplified but fairly valid. Ultimately people pace themselves. My wife works similar hours but does not produce 12 hours worth of work for 12 hours. Instead she takes frequent long breaks to cook, run errands, etc. Great way to avoid interacting with the rest of us I guess.

So the bottom line is that the hubby in question may be using work as an excuse to not do anything else involving the family... Not because work forces him to but for his own reasons.

If you work two service jobs 30-35 hours a week each yea that's different but I don't think this is the case...


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## Rich88 (Oct 13, 2013)

I was a man in the same position. I think its related to the person's sex drive. Intimate kissing, taking it slow and enjoying one another's body. I could not get any of this which doomed the relationship.


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## Micfhelle (Oct 13, 2013)

When did this lack of interest in sex start?


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

mitzi said:


> Yes I know wellbutrin is hard on the libido. He is also not using the way He should. I can't do anything if He doesn't want to change to help our marriage.


Wellbutrin does not suppress my libido, it actually enhances it. Lexapro is horrible, I took it for a while and it makes it almost impossible to O.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I would be likely to blame that but it was no 
Different before he was on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

mitizi

Does your husband work alot of hours to avoid intimacy? Is working long hours may just be an excuse and a copout. 

Maybe he just has a low libido.

you mentioned that you talk about sex or the lack of... I do the same with my wife. It seems the more I talk about sex, the worse she feels. I put too much stress on sex. I can't change that. I have to talk about it, otherwise we would never have sex. Thats another issue though.

when my wife doesn't want sex, she just acts like she is exhausted so I will back off. 
I know my wife feels like she can't measure up to what I want so she doesn't even want to try. 

I've worked many many hours a week in the past. I've hurt my back several times when I couldn't even turn over in bed. I ve been under stress for a very long time and I still want sex. I love the thought of sex...

I do have a former co-worker who had a second job to avoid relatiohships. When peple would ask him why he didnt have a gf, he would always say he didn't have time for one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I'm sure that is part of it. I don't know. I'm totally
Baffled by all of this because I've never had this
Problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

To admit that we have low libido, would be to say that we are less masculine. It may be the truth but it is still hard to swallow. I still have a hard time admitting that I do not like bj's. I feel like some of my masculinity got rubbed out because of past experiences. The husband that is the subject of this thread but simply be covering this up. Low T levels or lack of confidence in his abilities may be part of it as well.


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