# Not Sure How to Feel...



## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, 2 kids ages 4 and 2. Last summer we had an issue arise that almost broke us, but it ended up bonding us closer once we got through it. This year has been so amazing and amazing our relationship has gotten so strong. Unfortunately, I have been feeling lots of uncertain feelings again and feeling very insecure about us. Here's the issue: last summer I found out that he had been texting with local escorts for about 5 months. He worked out of town for our entire relationship (3 weeks on 3 days off) and had been searching for local escorts everywhere he went. Once he found local work and was home every day he was then looking at local girls in our town. When I found out he insisted he had never actually met up with any one, he just liked to txt them and ask them stuff and then pretend like he was going to meet up but then not show up or just end the convo. He said it was just exciting and it was because porn had gotten boring because he had been watching it since he was a kid. It was a tough road, I asked for a separation, especially since I have never truly believed his story. I have always known that the chances of him having had NOT met up with anyone are slim to none but I just made the choice to "believe" him and forgive and move on. I did this and it's been a great year, we went to a couple of counselling sessions, he promised to stop watching porn all together and never cross that line again. I have only caught him searching and watching port once or twice, confronted him, he apologized, and we moved on. I do understand that it's normal for men, and I never had a problem with porn before because I had accepted it as normal, but after this incident I agreed that it was safest to just cut it off all together. ANYWAYS, this month I have been getting all sorts of feelings again of mistrust. I keep having dreams about him cheating on me, very realistic dreams. I keep feeling like he is being sketchy around his phone (it could be my imagination), and I find myself locating his phone throughout the day or if he is even 10 minutes late from an outing. I try to check his phone but he deletes everything every day and his texts are clean. I wonder if I am having these feelings because it was around this time last year or if it's because he joined a co ed sports team this month which worries me, or if it's because my close friend just got divorced over an affair... I don't know what it is but it's REALLY affecting me negatively. Should I be suspicious? Should I bring up how I feel? Or should I just chalk it up to skepticism and hormones and stay silent about it... ugh I just don't know, I hate this feeling. I keep having these mental images of him with other women and it's making my heart break. He is like #1 husband and father in every other way. Just feeling scared of losing him I guess, and honestly I just kind of wish I could know the truth about last year FOR SURE. I chose to "believe" him but my heart still knows that that was probably stupid.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes you should be suspicious.

your husband has a problem.

texting girls all the time is NOT innocent!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Well, that sucks. I'm sorry you are here.

Go into detective mode. Can you access his cell phone bill? Can you access his facebook and email? He'll slip up eventually, you just can't let him know your'e watching. 

How is the marriage? Do you have passion? Do you have intimacy? Do you both love kissing each other. How's the sex? If the marriage is not sound, I'd definitely be worried he's going outside to get needs met.


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Well, that sucks. I'm sorry you are here.
> 
> Go into detective mode. Can you access his cell phone bill? Can you access his facebook and email? He'll slip up eventually, you just can't let him know your'e watching.
> 
> How is the marriage? Do you have passion? Do you have intimacy? Do you both love kissing each other. How's the sex? If the marriage is not sound, I'd definitely be worried he's going outside to get needs met.


The relationship is amazing, we are so in sync and have an awesome routine going. However, I was bed ridden for the past 1.5 years from Rheumatoid Arthritis, I have been in constant full body pain for a long time. I have gotten better in the last 6 weeks with a new medication, unfortunately the meds give me all sorts of awful side effects (none as bad as being disabled) like constant excessive sweating, thin skin (cuts all over) and a very weakened immune system so I often get infections and just feel exhausted all the time (weekly chemo injections will do that). So, that being said, I am usually not in the mood for sex. Also, I have 2 toddlers and run a daycare in my house so I spend 10 hours a day with up to 5 toddlers. We still kiss and are affectionate but I tend to keep my distance because he always jumps RIGHT to sex so I am hesitant to even want to kiss because he will just keep pushing. We do it probably every 2 weeks or 3 weeks and it's awesome when we do it. We also do little flirtatious acts every day and sometimes some foreplay but I'm honestly not very available. This is why I kind of "brushed off", to a certain extent, his last problem because I KNOW he needs more from me. And I really do try. We are very loving though, hugging and kissing and saying kind things always. We basically never fight, little polite arguments or disagreements, but that's normal.


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Well, that sucks. I'm sorry you are here.
> 
> Go into detective mode. Can you access his cell phone bill? Can you access his facebook and email? He'll slip up eventually, you just can't let him know your'e watching.
> 
> How is the marriage? Do you have passion? Do you have intimacy? Do you both love kissing each other. How's the sex? If the marriage is not sound, I'd definitely be worried he's going outside to get needs met.


Oh and another thing, I have access to everything as far as I know. I know how to see his phones text history (not conversations but numbers) and his web history always is deleted. His Facebook is used cause he doesn't really use it . Never anything on there,although I check.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

He wants to be desired. He needs to be desired. Send him texts that you want his big d*ck right now, you can't wait to have him tonight, etc. If you go on a long drive with just him, give him a heads up you want to give him road head. This kind of stuff makes a guy go crazy (trust me!). He also needs to be doing the same for you. Needless, if he isn't feeling desired by you, that gives him no excuse to step outside the marriage and talk with strangers. You two have issues to figure out. Get the sex back on track first. 3-5 times a week is what he needs. 

A lot of people come to TAM and post about their declining marriage and a have life changing medical issues like yours. You'd think it would make couples stronger but it seems to make the healthy partner resent and go looking at greener grass. Couples dealing with medical issues cannot neglect the physical intimacy a marriage is built on.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Yes, definitely go into detective mode and find out all you can about his texts that he's deleting and consider putting a VAR is his car. Don't tell him or ask about anything you find or he'll go dark. You deserve to know if he's doing anything else that is suspect. It seems this porn thing is so engrained in him it would be tough if not impossible to stop. Calling prostitutes and just talking to them also has to stop. He may need some kind of individual therapy to stop his habits. If he can't stop you'll have to decide whether you can deal with it.


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> He wants to be desired. He needs to be desired. Send him texts that you want his big d*ck right now, you can't wait to have him tonight, etc. If you go on a long drive with just him, give him a heads up you want to give him road head. This kind of stuff makes a guy go crazy (trust me!). He also needs to be doing the same for you. Needless, if he isn't feeling desired by you, that gives him no excuse to step outside the marriage and talk with strangers. You two have issues to figure out. Get the sex back on track first. 3-5 times a week is what he needs.
> 
> A lot of people come to TAM and post about their declining marriage and a have life changing medical issues like yours. You'd think it would make couples stronger but it seems to make the healthy partner resent and go looking at greener grass. Couples dealing with medical issues cannot neglect the physical intimacy a marriage is built on.


That's good advice, I send him pics sometimes but not often. I have zero libido so it makes it very hard to get in the mood, it almost feels like a chore. Maybe that's how I need to treat it for now... Just get it over with lol.


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## HazeyFadely (Apr 14, 2017)

This is a tough one, because in my opinion, it should NEVER be ok for him to talk to other women behind your back (or vice versa), especially escorts. I know that me personally, if my husband was only wanting to have sex with me every 2 or 3 weeks, i would be very saddened and feel vey disconnected from the relationship. Regardless of how amazing every other aspect of the relationship is, sex is still very important in keeping the closeness and intimacy of a relationship healthy. You even said that at times you will avoid making out and kissing because you know that it will lead to more. 

I think it's safe to say he was looking for something outside the marriage because of this void he feels. I do not think that it makes it ok, but it could give you an answer. You two need to sit down and talk about this and if his behavior doesn't stop, then it needs to be addressed. You cannot change your health status, but maybe there could be some other things you could do to improve your intimacy that would make you both happier. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

HazeyFadely said:


> This is a tough one, because in my opinion, it should NEVER be ok for him to talk to other women behind your back (or vice versa), especially escorts. I know that me personally, if my husband was only wanting to have sex with me every 2 or 3 weeks, i would be very saddened and feel vey disconnected from the relationship. Regardless of how amazing every other aspect of the relationship is, sex is still very important in keeping the closeness and intimacy of a relationship healthy. You even said that at times you will avoid making out and kissing because you know that it will lead to more.
> 
> I think it's safe to say he was looking for something outside the marriage because of this void he feels. I do not think that it makes it ok, but it could give you an answer. You two need to sit down and talk about this and if his behavior doesn't stop, then it needs to be addressed. You cannot change your health status, but maybe there could be some other things you could do to improve your intimacy that would make you both happier.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk


I agree. This is why I chose to forgive him because I know that he needs more from me. But there is only so much I can do, we have two totally different sex minds. It's a tough one.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rpjn said:


> I agree. This is why I chose to forgive him because I know that he needs more from me. But there is only so much I can do, we have two totally different sex minds. It's a tough one.


The easy and true answer is that you are no longer compatible. But nothing is easy now is it.:frown2:



When you married, were your sex drives similar?


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

Oh ya. We used to have sex every single day and it was amazing. I just no drive anymore, mostly because there is nothing about me that I feel is sexy. He assures me every day that he thinks I'm sexy and whatever but I don't feel it and that has a big effect on me. And yes, I try.


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

What a VAR


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> The easy and true answer is that you are no longer compatible. But nothing is easy now is it.:frown2:
> 
> 
> 
> When you married, were your sex drives similar?



Oh ya. We used to have sex every single day and it was amazing. I just no drive anymore, mostly because there is nothing about me that I feel is sexy. He assures me every day that he thinks I'm sexy and whatever but I don't feel it and that has a big effect on me. And yes, I try.


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## Rpjn (Apr 14, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Yes, definitely go into detective mode and find out all you can about his texts that he's deleting and consider putting a VAR is his car. Don't tell him or ask about anything you find or he'll go dark. You deserve to know if he's doing anything else that is suspect. It seems this porn thing is so engrained in him it would be tough if not impossible to stop. Calling prostitutes and just talking to them also has to stop. He may need some kind of individual therapy to stop his habits. If he can't stop you'll have to decide whether you can deal with it.


What's a VAR?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Rpjn said:


> What's a VAR?


A Voice Activated Recorder


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> He wants to be desired. He needs to be desired. Send him texts that you want his big d*ck right now, you can't wait to have him tonight, etc. If you go on a long drive with just him, give him a heads up you want to give him road head. This kind of stuff makes a guy go crazy (trust me!). He also needs to be doing the same for you. Needless, if he isn't feeling desired by you, that gives him no excuse to step outside the marriage and talk with strangers. You two have issues to figure out. Get the sex back on track first. 3-5 times a week is what he needs.
> 
> A lot of people come to TAM and post about their declining marriage and a have life changing medical issues like yours. You'd think it would make couples stronger but it seems to make the healthy partner resent and go looking at greener grass. Couples dealing with medical issues cannot neglect the physical intimacy a marriage is built on.


Interesting. So he wants to be desired, and as a result contacts escorts who will screw anything for money?

How does paying one to fake it equate to desire?

Sounds like a guy with poor character who thinks with the wrong head.

I wouldn't waste my time with a guy like this.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Rpjn said:


> Oh ya. We used to have sex every single day and it was amazing. I just no drive anymore, mostly because there is nothing about me that I feel is sexy. He assures me every day that he thinks I'm sexy and whatever but I don't feel it and that has a big effect on me. And yes, I try.


He is playing with fire regarding the escorts, but the guy is in a jam so to speak. He loves you, his kids, but his needs took a huge dive for the worse. He is human and needs what he lost with your illness. He is struggling just like you are. He know he has obligations to his family, but he also has needs that are not being met.

Not an easy solution to the easy truth about why you are dealing with third parties in your marriage. Those third parties are (your illness, his outlets). 

I don't have a magic answer that will satisfy both you and your husband's needs. I don't think a happy medium can be achieved, sorry. :crying: 

Hopefully others may have that for you.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Rpjn said:


> Oh and another thing, I have access to everything as far as I know. I know how to see his phones text history (not conversations but numbers) and his web history always is deleted. His Facebook is used cause he doesn't really use it . Never anything on there,although I check.


His deleted web history is concerning. Is this why you're having suspicions? He could be using porn, which depending on your boundaries regarding it, might mean he's violating your trust again. 

I agree with investigating.

I also think there are still issues in the marriage. You're dealing with RA and working a physically demanding job for 10 hours/day? The fact that this situation is limiting physical intimacy in a marriage where intimacy has been an issue is also concerning. Are you two still in counseling?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting. So he wants to be desired, and as a result contacts escorts who will screw anything for money?
> 
> How does paying one to fake it equate to desire?
> 
> ...


I agree. You have an illness and this man did not turn to you in your marriage- instead, he turned to other women to feed him ego kibbles. He's shown you that he is not there for you in sickness and health. He's not marriage material.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It is my opinion any man who actually loves his wife and wants to be married would share all information with his wife. There would be no hiding, no deleting of anything.

He should make sure you have access to everything he is doing online on his computer and his phone. If he loves you. Especially given the pure garbage he has already put you through.

That's my opinion.

Good luck. I hope you get what you need. I can't begin to understand what you need, except the truth from the person who says he loves you. You need that.

Edits: You should never have to spy on a spouse. He should hand everything over to you. And while an illness makes life tough, marriage is about supporting each other in sickness as well as in health. I like sex a lot, but he won't get any sympathy from me. I can't believe anyone would try to justify infidelity due to an illness of a spouse.


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## HazeyFadely (Apr 14, 2017)

Rpjn said:


> I agree. This is why I chose to forgive him because I know that he needs more from me. But there is only so much I can do, we have two totally different sex minds. It's a tough one.


Make sure to put yourself as a priority too. Although he has those needs, you have needs too. Such as faithfulness and trust, and you deserve them. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G928A using Tapatalk


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> It is my opinion any man who actually loves his wife and wants to be married would share all information with his wife. There would be no hiding, no deleting of anything.
> 
> He should make sure you have access to everything he is doing online on his computer and his phone. If he loves you. Especially given the pure garbage he has already put you through.
> 
> ...


I agree he should hand everything over. Deleted history is a red flag and he needs to be informed that it can't be deleted anymore. That's how trust will be built


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rpjn said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, 2 kids ages 4 and 2. Last summer we had an issue arise that almost broke us, but it ended up bonding us closer once we got through it. This year has been so amazing and amazing our relationship has gotten so strong. Unfortunately, I have been feeling lots of uncertain feelings again and feeling very insecure about us. Here's the issue: last summer I found out that he had been texting with local escorts for about 5 months. He worked out of town for our entire relationship (3 weeks on 3 days off) and had been searching for local escorts everywhere he went. Once he found local work and was home every day he was then looking at local girls in our town. When I found out he insisted he had never actually met up with any one, he just liked to txt them and ask them stuff and then pretend like he was going to meet up but then not show up or just end the convo. He said it was just exciting and it was because porn had gotten boring because he had been watching it since he was a kid. It was a tough road, I asked for a separation, especially since I have never truly believed his story. I have always known that the chances of him having had NOT met up with anyone are slim to none but I just made the choice to "believe" him and forgive and move on. I did this and it's been a great year, we went to a couple of counselling sessions, he promised to stop watching porn all together and never cross that line again. I have only caught him searching and watching port once or twice, confronted him, he apologized, and we moved on. I do understand that it's normal for men, and I never had a problem with porn before because I had accepted it as normal, but after this incident I agreed that it was safest to just cut it off all together. ANYWAYS, this month I have been getting all sorts of feelings again of mistrust. I keep having dreams about him cheating on me, very realistic dreams. I keep feeling like he is being sketchy around his phone (it could be my imagination), and I find myself locating his phone throughout the day or if he is even 10 minutes late from an outing. I try to check his phone but he deletes everything every day and his texts are clean. I wonder if I am having these feelings because it was around this time last year or if it's because he joined a co ed sports team this month which worries me, or if it's because my close friend just got divorced over an affair... I don't know what it is but it's REALLY affecting me negatively. Should I be suspicious? Should I bring up how I feel? Or should I just chalk it up to skepticism and hormones and stay silent about it... ugh I just don't know, I hate this feeling. I keep having these mental images of him with other women and it's making my heart break. He is like #1 husband and father in every other way. Just feeling scared of losing him I guess, and honestly I just kind of wish I could know the truth about last year FOR SURE. I chose to "believe" him but my heart still knows that that was probably stupid.



1. Porn is NOT normal for men. Normal men do not NEED porn, many men get by with a healthy loving partner. He is obviously an addict when the porn was not doing if for him anymore and he had to up the ante to meet girls
2. He is lying that he never met any of them, he probably has already had sex
3. Do not ignore those uneasy feelings, they are your intuition telling you something is wrong
4. Why would he delete everything every day? Ask him why he feels it necessary to delete. If he is building trust then his actions say something else. Surely after the many times you have caught him if he was genuinely interested in being open and transparent he would not be engaging in deleting stuff off his phone
5. Yes you should be suspicious, your WH didn't change, he just got better at hiding his extra curricular activities
6. You will drive yourself crazy, how long do you think you can keep up with the monitoring, this is no way to live
7. Get a PI, have him tracked, put a VAR in his car. This will either confirm your suspicions or prove them wrong. If your suspicions are confirmed then divorce him.

The ball is in your court, take action and refuse to live in this limbo land.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

My wife and I do not have sex. She got cancer. I cared for her. Picked up the slack at home. Did what I vowed to do as her husband. Did not cheat, call escorts, go on dating sites, etc. None of it.

He either wants to be your H or he doesn't. Tell him if he isn't going to be there for you in sickness, you don't see any reason to keep him around for your recovery.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rpjn said:


> When I found out he insisted he had never actually met up with any one, he just liked to txt them and ask them stuff and then pretend like he was going to meet up but then not show up or just end the convo. He said it was just exciting and it was because porn had gotten boring because he had been watching it since he was a kid.


Boy is this guy a lying sack. Escorts don't waste their time 'texting' with mouth-breathers. He's met with many of them and it would be in YOUR best interests to get yourself STD tested immediately.

Making him stop watching porn isn't your problem. His habit of going to escorts is your problem.



> ANYWAYS, this month I have been getting all sorts of feelings again of mistrust. I keep having dreams about him cheating on me, very realistic dreams. I keep feeling like he is being sketchy around his phone (it could be my imagination), and I find myself locating his phone throughout the day or if he is even 10 minutes late from an outing. I try to check his phone but he deletes everything every day and his texts are clean.


Not surprised at all that he's deleting all his daily secret activity. Not surprised a bit.



> I wonder if I am having these feelings because it was around this time last year or if it's because he joined a co ed sports team this month which worries me, or if it's because my close friend just got divorced over an affair...


I hate to keep saying it, but it's because he's a cheater and HAS been for a long while, now. Your gut knows it.



> He is like #1 husband and father in every other way. Just feeling scared of losing him I guess, and honestly I just kind of wish I could know the truth about last year FOR SURE. I chose to "believe" him but my heart still knows that that was probably stupid.


Yes, if it weren't for that pesky call girl habit of his, he'd be perfect.

I repeat - you KNOW he's a liar. Deep down, you know it. You've managed to ignore your gut and believe his bull**** stories, but deep down, you know the truth.


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