# Would you rather...



## fromblisstothis (May 17, 2012)

Have a walkaway spouse or be left for the OW?
I have been separated from my SO since May.3rd, moved out 3 weeks ago – and am still hurting really, really bad. Every morning (which is the worst time for me) before I am even awake – I am aware that he is not and will never again be, beside me. I am trying the 180 – we met for a quick drink last week so I could get my mail (he initiated the meeting) – otherwise we don’t talk, email text...

Now...

The reason for the end of our 6 year union was the whole ILYBINILWY crap. However, about a month before this, I discovered a text he sent on Valentine’s Day to another woman that read “Happy Valentine’s day LOL. How’s my favourite person that I haven’t seen in a while?” Shortly afterwards I confronted him and he said it was a bartender at one of his favourite haunts and that it was nothing... I believed him.

But...

Now I’m thinking he might have left because of a PA. Do I want to find out? I know at this point it doesn’t really matter – but my self esteem is really taking a sh!t kicking because I am constantly dwelling on all my many faults and berating myself because I wasn’t good enough for him – so he left me. I think it would be better for my sanity if nothing else, if he left me for an AP. I would have something besides myself to blame...thoughts?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, I think what you are going through is completely normal. And I think if he had had an AP, then you'd be wishing that he'd just left by himself. It's okay -- the second-guessing, the regrets, the doubts. It's all normal. For a little while. Just don't let it become a habit, okay?

Keep posting, lots of folks here who understand what you are going through!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Better not to know. I have been completely out of contact with my stbxh since he left three months ago...never told me why he was leaving and never even said he wanted divorce...sometimes its easier not to know. I would hate to have images in my head...prefer to grieve the loss of the man I loved and chalk it.up to his lack of emotional maturity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

fromblisstothis said:


> Have a walkaway spouse or be left for the OW?


I would vote for the walkaway. 
Knowing that their was someone else I would worry myself to death about how long, when, how many lies he told me to be with other person, etc. I would be a total mess b/c the worst would be that he was with me lvoing me while he was with someone else.

The walkaway could bery well be more on him than you. Yes no one in perfect...we all have our share of mistakes. Some spouses leave b.c of issues with themselves. I will not believe that I am not worthy of him. I will not lower myself and make me fee like I was the only one that caused all of the problems. He would have to be a share in this too.

Believe that you are worthy to be loved by someone who will not purposely hurt you.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

fromblisstothis said:


> Now I’m thinking he might have left because of a PA. Do I want to find out? I know at this point it doesn’t really matter – but my self esteem is really taking a sh!t kicking because I am constantly dwelling on all my many faults and berating myself because I wasn’t good enough for him – so he left me.


I know exactly what you are going through. The whole walk away thing is really tricky and gives your self esteem such a kick for a while....it is awful to think you made their life that miserable that they think they are better off with no-one. I searched high and low for an EA/PA (which if you do it properly, is extremely draining and stressful on its own). I found nothing and went through exactly what you are going through now. 

But basically what happened in my situation was my stbxw made a lifestyle choice...she wants to be in with the hip'n'trendy professional single mom divorced crew. As far as I can tell, she totally wants to eschew any kind of meaningful relationship...but I wouldn't put it past her to be out having some kind of "Thanks for the goodtimes/see you when I see you" type things.

As it now stands some 8 months into it, my whole "What's wrong with me" stance has changed to an angry one....I signed on with marriage as a serious commitment, and feel I've basically been led up the garden path....used to have a child and then tossed out like yesterdays old news. I no longer see it as what is wrong with me, but what is wrong with her, and blame her for everything to the extent I wish I'd never married such a quitter.

To answer your question though - it's a tricky one. Sometimes I think it would have been better to find her in an affair, then I could have chewed her out, called her every name under the sun and gotten the whole process done and over with quickly. Finding out there is no-one else is bewildering and I think I lingered longer than I should have before even attempting to move on in the hope that she might "come to her senses".

On the other hand, her having no-one else and sticking to her guns on it....I know it now truly means there is no hope all, and whatever happens I'll always go forward knowing I tried everything and unfortunately just married someone who really shouldn't have married in the first place. With the affair scenario, conversely, when it all goes wrong for them as it invariably does, you've got more chance of comeback, changes of heart and drama.

I won't say it's best not to know and to just accept it (although that is indeed the correct advice) - I think you have to live these things a bit to really process the emotions and get it sorted. As you go forward, you'll change on what you want to do (we all do on here, sometimes daily!), so my best advice is try to cut away and work on yourself and forget it, but if you've got a burning desire to be mad/sad/investigate/sit back, then just go with it. Good luck!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Can't speak for anyone else, but I will say the day I found out that affair with OM#2 was still in progress, and I realized I was done trying to offer reconciliation, I took off my ring and immediately found myself out of limbo, able to start breathing again and having a plan to move forward.

But then I now am stuck with the imagery of MY WIFE (now ex but nonetheless my wife of the time) having sex with other men. I would trade that for another... say 2 weeks of limbo...but I think getting out of limbo is impossible without a plan forward and it is brutally tough to let go when they are just a WAW.


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## ZozoMojo (Jun 17, 2012)

I am suspicious of another woman and it can really get to me, makes me angry...just imagining what could possibly be going on or frustrating that if something is going on then just fess up to it and we both can move on. however on the other hand, just thinking that they're leaving because they LYBNILWY makes you want to figure out what you can do to spark the love again, when maybe there isn't anything you can do. What I did was ask "what it is that I can learn from this whole experience?". He said he doesn't know and feels that it's all his issues which has nothing to do with me. BTW, his issues are that he's not sure he is actually ready to settle down, and we're married, go figure. A few months ago he found a neew group of friends at work which totally changed his path.

Well looking back I kinda wish I hadn't known about the OW, but your curiosity gets the best of you. Seems to be the most reasonable answer. I'd rather honor his wishes to be truly happy, even when it's not with me, than honor his wishes to be with another woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fromblisstothis (May 17, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> To answer your question though - it's a tricky one. Sometimes I think it would have been better to find her in an affair, then I could have chewed her out, called her every name under the sun and gotten the whole process done and over with quickly. Finding out there is no-one else is bewildering and I think I lingered longer than I should have before even attempting to move on in the hope that she might "come to her senses".
> 
> On the other hand, her having no-one else and sticking to her guns on it....I know it now truly means there is no hope all, and whatever happens I'll always go forward knowing I tried everything and unfortunately just married someone who really shouldn't have married in the first place. With the affair scenario, conversely, when it all goes wrong for them as it invariably does, you've got more chance of comeback, changes of heart and drama.
> 
> I won't say it's best not to know and to just accept it (although that is indeed the correct advice) - I think you have to live these things a bit to really process the emotions and get it sorted. As you go forward, you'll change on what you want to do (we all do on here, sometimes daily!), so my best advice is try to cut away and work on yourself and forget it, but if you've got a burning desire to be mad/sad/investigate/sit back, then just go with it. Good luck!


Thank-you for this. It so helps knowing others – wherever they are in the world- are struggling with the same questions, disappointments and heartbreaks. I value all your input- it garners me much strength when I feel I have none. I humbly thank you all.


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