# Suggestions about dealing with excessive blaming



## sazi

Hello,

We have been married for about 5 years with no kids. I have become conscious that I'm receiving too much blame and it's often exaggerated. Of course in some instances it's my fault, but it can also be for things that are clearly not. In other cases I've received what I consider very excessive blame, as though it's a punishment, for relatively minor offences. I love her and I don't want things to fall apart but I think the situation is becoming toxic. I try to remain calm and defuse things by asking questions that I hope will lead to reflection and a long-term a change in behavior. She often accepts that there were better ways of dealing with the issue at hand. I become hopeful but then the cycle repeats itself and I'm starting to lose hope. 


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For example, she is currently wrapping up a work project and is under pressure. A few weeks ago we made plans about certain responsibilities we would be sharing right now. This was decided easily with no pressure. Last night she erupted without warning: saying her part will be grievously difficult and I'm not taking her needs seriously or providing the required help and support. It wasn't pleasant. She brought up a previous incident 18 months ago (where I indeed could have done*a little better) as further evidence of how I fail to help. She also exaggerated the difficulties she currently faces by aggregating associated minor inconveniences in order to inflate the problem. I consider her tendency to enhance our problems in this way to be destructive to our marriage and I've said so in the past.

I mainly listened and spoke little. I pointed out that we came up with the plan together and it wasn't imposed upon her. She replied that that she wished she hadn't agreed and only did so because she didn't think things through. She began to explore a solution but it didn't progress because she was angry so there was little discussion; it's also difficult to change plans now. I asked in what way she would like me to help and didn't receive an answer. She complained that our marriage is not a team and I just focus on myself. 
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Whilst I'm sure I could be more aware of her needs and be more thoughtful, I feel I wasn't even given the opportunity to be team player in this instance. She hadn't mentioned work in days, focussing her conversation exclusively on non-work interests. It's not clear to me where the anger comes from but I suspect it's a mixture of insecurity, a strong ego, and powerfully-felt emotions. I know she's unable to let my past mistakes slide. She bottles things up. Clearly there is a lack of trust. 


This situation has built up slowly over years. Is there an approach I haven't thought of?


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## Diana7

Have you tried MC?


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## sazi

No, but we just had a very long conversation that was healing and helpful. I don't think we've really spoken like this in a while. We together identified the problems we face and agreed 100% on them and that we'd start tackling them *together*. So I think we'll start there, rather than MC, since there is no disagreement. For instance, I learned that she feels she can't get through to me and that she thinks she's tried everything and now feels impotent. However, I noticed obvious things she hasn't tried and so we'll work on those.


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## Diana7

Sounds positive.


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## TheDudeLebowski

Didn't you know that men are supposed to be able to read minds? Why didn't you read hers then? /sarcasm

Listen man, you have to learn how to argue better with a woman. When they are wrong, they can't accept it and rarely apologize. Instead, they find something else to attack you for. Some past wrong doing, or perhaps they start in on the personal attacks and name calling game. Their goal being to distract you from their own wrong doings and to upset you to the point where you say or do something wrong in that moment so the argument immediately turns to their favor and it becomes about that now instead of what you were arguing about in the first place. Then you are left feeling blamed for everything because you just lost an argument where she was in the wrong to begin with. 

So here is what you do. You stick to the subject of the argument. Calm, cool, collected. Whenever she realizes she is wrong, she will try and steer the conversation off course. Don't take the bait. Stay on topic. "We are discussing THIS issue. Once this issue is settled, we can go back and revisit other issues" Stick. To. The. Subject. At. Hand!

Her next tactic will be insults or personal attacks. This one is easy. Again, don't take the bait. Simply reply with "I don't appreciate the personal attacks and I feel like you need to calm down a bit before we continue this discussion. I'm going to walk away now, and when you are more calm, we can continue to work this out" then just walk away. Obviously if you are in the wrong, you have to sit there and take it, but if you are in the right, you don't. Just politely excuse yourself from the conversation temporarily and walk away. 

Stick to the argument at hand. Don't get drawn offside by her manipulative tactics. Don't take the bait and retaliate against her for any attacks on you she might make. 

Then watch how you start actually winning the arguments you should win when she is in the wrong. But I still wouldn't expect much of an apology from a woman. At least not a verbal one. They will sulk and be upset for a bit. But once they have calmed down and realize they were wrong, they usually just ask if they can sit next to you with a somber look on their faces and try to cuddle with you. Test the waters a bit to see if you are still mad. Rub on your balls a bit or whatever they feel they need to do to show you they are sorry without actually voicing an apology. Hey, makeup sex is almost always good. You made your point, she understands her wrong doings at that point as well. Take the sex and move on. 

Finally if you are going to do this, you can't ever steer an argument off course when she has a legitimate complaint. Men should never stoop to the level of personal attacks on their wives during an argument. So if you have ever done that, cut that BS out immediately. 

Practice this, you will get better and eventually she will learn that these manipulative tactics don't work anymore. The arguments will become much easier and way more productive.


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## Herschel

Ok, need more information. Does she blow up like this a lot? Does she make it seem like it's your fault and you start questioning whether it is? Do you feel like she is acting like a child at times? Do you walk on egg shells around her, possibly doing anything that would avoid setting her off (often to failure cause breathing sets her off)?


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## TJW

Over the years, I have found that my DW tends to make judgements based upon her feelings, and tends to ignore the facts. I have had to find ways of bringing the facts back into the discussion.

She is intelligent and is very dedicated to making our marriage good from her perspectives. I have found that it is up to me to analyze BOTH perspectives in order to decide what path to take going forward from the current distress, and try to make a decision that she can embrace, as well as one I can embrace. When she's frustrated, she doesn't look at facts. So I wait until her frustration level subsides before trying to have a discussion, and then I try to figure out what aspects are the "priorities" to her.


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