# feeling lost



## dclimestar (Oct 18, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have 1 child. When we first started dating, things were amazing. Talking all the time, wanting to spend time together and sex was great. The longer we are together, the less we communicate and our sex life has dwindled, big time. It seems like we only have sex when he has been drinking...more so when he's drunk. We don't get to go out for dinner or do anything much by ourselves. Our time alone rarely exists. Once in awhile we can get away, when I ask my parents or someone to babysit, I feel guilty or I'm afraid they will think I'm taking advantage of them babysitting. I am usually the one who plans time alone and arranging a baby sitter, I would love it if he planned something for me. Surprise me with a night away. I know we are both at fault for different things. A lot of the time, I feel alone, we never compliment each other and a lot of the time we end up arguing. Is this what happens in all marriages...?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

dclimestar said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have 1 child. When we first started dating, things were amazing. Talking all the time, wanting to spend time together and sex was great. The longer we are together, the less we communicate and our sex life has dwindled, big time. It seems like we only have sex when he has been drinking...more so when he's drunk. We don't get to go out for dinner or do anything much by ourselves. Our time alone rarely exists. Once in awhile we can get away, when I ask my parents or someone to babysit, I feel guilty or I'm afraid they will think I'm taking advantage of them babysitting. I am usually the one who plans time alone and arranging a baby sitter, I would love it if he planned something for me. Surprise me with a night away. I know we are both at fault for different things. A lot of the time, I feel alone, we never compliment each other and a lot of the time we end up arguing. Is this what happens in all marriages...?


Sounds like communication issues.

I suggest enrolling in some marriage counseling.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did his level of affection change suddenly, or was it a gradual decrease.

Any health issues or long term medication (especially anti-depressants) for either of you.

Any other sources of stress in life - jobs etc?


Intimacy is very important for a happy marriage.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Start making plans for you and him to have dates at least once a month. Have brunch or dinner and drinks, movies, converts, dancing, whatever you like. Make the plans, tell him to pay for the baby sitter. You've got to take control of the social life between you and hubs if he's not.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

dclimestar said:


> Is this what happens in all marriages...?


When relationships are new, generally speaking there are very little responsibilities associated with being together other than making sure you two are enjoying your time together. 

...years pass

...responsibilities pile onto each other

...life gets messy

...and eventually you spend almost 100% of your time overcoming one challenge after another. It leaves very little if any energy/patience for one another as a couple. Come the end of the day, the two of you still have things needing attention and just need to try and get some rest.

What is important as a relationship progresses is that the two of you focus on being a good "team" together. Point out what things you have to be thankful for, and try not to take out your frustrations from the day onto one another. You will also need to work with your husband to prioritize time together, and understand that intimate time together may need to include an hour of conversations to vent and discuss frustrations together as a team before finding an emotional place where the two of you can just enjoy embracing one another intimately. 

Also his issues with drinking will probably need attention, and you will have to help him find more healthy ways to self-sooth and let go of his stress before being intimate together. I realize that is easier said than done... just don't give up! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes.. marriage is work and if you don't nurture it now then it will go downhill quickly. Do not feel guilty about a babysitter or even having your parents help out. You really need this time with your husband without your child around. Get the babysitter, plan a night out and talk with your husband that you would like him to plan something special next time. Even if it's dinner and a movie-- it's something that you are doing together.. Make the effort!!

I did not make an effort for date nights at all.. Didn't think we needed them. I was very wrong as every couple needs that time away together. Maybe one weekend you and hubby can get away for the weekend alone!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its often the women who arranges the social things and times away etc. I think you need to get onto a marriage course or marriage counselling to help with communication.

See if you have one of these near you. We did this course a few years ago and it was very good. 
http://themarriagecourses.org/


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

dclimestar said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have 1 child. When we first started dating, things were amazing. Talking all the time, wanting to spend time together and sex was great. The longer we are together, the less we communicate and our sex life has dwindled, big time. It seems like we only have sex when he has been drinking...more so when he's drunk. We don't get to go out for dinner or do anything much by ourselves. Our time alone rarely exists. Once in awhile we can get away, when I ask my parents or someone to babysit, I feel guilty or I'm afraid they will think I'm taking advantage of them babysitting. I am usually the one who plans time alone and arranging a baby sitter, I would love it if he planned something for me. Surprise me with a night away. I know we are both at fault for different things. A lot of the time, I feel alone, we never compliment each other and a lot of the time we end up arguing. Is this what happens in all marriages...?


First things first......have you communicated these concerns of yours to him? If so, what did he say?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dclimestar said:


> My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have 1 child. When we first started dating, things were amazing. Talking all the time, wanting to spend time together and sex was great. The longer we are together, the less we communicate and our sex life has dwindled, big time. It seems like we only have sex when he has been drinking...more so when he's drunk. We don't get to go out for dinner or do anything much by ourselves. Our time alone rarely exists. Once in awhile we can get away, when I ask my parents or someone to babysit, I feel guilty or I'm afraid they will think I'm taking advantage of them babysitting. I am usually the one who plans time alone and arranging a baby sitter, I would love it if he planned something for me. Surprise me with a night away. I know we are both at fault for different things. A lot of the time, I feel alone, we never compliment each other and a lot of the time we end up arguing. Is this what happens in all marriages...?


Sounds similar to my marriage the first years. Exception the getting drunk for sex. 

For me, I had already won the prize. We had two babies already. I was in the provider/daddy role. The courting my W role was over. Been there and done that. Honestly, what else does my W need right? Turns out a lot. Only to me 20 years to figure that out. Thank God my W stayed the course until my dumb azz got it. Really, my W could have walked. She told me time and time again. I was dumb as a box of rocks. Once I got it....our marriage took off to a wonderful place. 

My W like you wanted to be surprised with a weekend away or even a darn date night. I never complimented nor did the little things like I did when dating. Again, I got the prize. No need for that. Wrong. Once I started to realize my W came first and I started the little things, a night away, date night and $35.00 worth of wildflowers once a month at any random time did I come full circle to being what my W wanted. Husband first, dad second and provider third. 

Your H needs to realize one specific thing for a marriage to work. Make your W first over everything. Kids, job, sports, friends, etc. Once both are were they need to be in the marriage, everything falls into place. 

Sit you H down. Talk to him about it. Help yourself to my post if you wish. 

P.S. Once I started dating my W again...my life got 100% BETTER.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

dclimestar said:


> ......Once in awhile we can get away, *when I ask my parents or someone to babysit, I feel guilty or I'm afraid they will think I'm taking advantage of them babysitting.* I am usually the one who plans time alone and arranging a baby sitter, *I would love it if he planned something for me. Surprise me with a night away. I* know we are both at fault for different things. A lot of the time, *I feel alone, we never compliment each other and a lot of the time we end up arguing. *Is this what happens in all marriages...?


Have you read Chapman's 5 Languages of Love? They are quality time (talking together); words of affirmation (praise, complementing each other); Presents; Touch; and Acts of Service.

What jumps out from your full post is a need for Quality Time and words of Affirmation. Those sound like important love languages, at least to you! What are his love languages? You aren't feeling loved and cherished because you are not getting the love you need to be expressed in your love languages. Your H might feel the same and his might be different.

Now as to babysitters. There are friends and family and then there are people you pay money to.

You can ask friends and family and if it is inconvenient they will say not this weekend. 

Usually there are some babysitter courses and first aid that local nonprofits provide. Also there are often community date nights, where a local community center will arrange to provide baby sitting for a night so parents can get a break. Some are by church groups, YMCA's, etc. Another option is that a lot of gym's and major malls will have child care areas, where you can drop you child for a short period of time. Some take money, some expect you to pay them by shopping their or pay gym dues.

Find a babysitter you can pay and start using them. See if any friends can give you a reference for someone they use or know and trust.

Good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

no not all marriages are like that.

your child does take some time, but it is time to go to MC to discuss your feelings.

my wife loves the romance and all those sappy movies. I dislike them, but I have watched pride and pred, etc, but she watches them over and over. (also persuasion, sense and nonsense- changed the title)

I have watched them several times with her, but enough is enough. after the 12th time, is want to watch football, of go for a walk.

she leaves it up to me, if we are to have sex. she never invites. that is my job?

so no desire for me. 

we have different love languages. so find out in MC what are the different love languages. 

And sorry to be so much against watching these movies, but after so many times, I can't take it. 

hope you find some answers, but communication is very important. (not a mind reader) but for your kids sake, very important.


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## dclimestar (Oct 18, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Did his level of affection change suddenly, or was it a gradual decrease.
> 
> Any health issues or long term medication (especially anti-depressants) for either of you.
> 
> ...


His level of intimacy has slowly decreased. His job is stressful and he's constantly worried about money. Unfortunately, he has not always been honest with me, he was spending A LOT of money behind my back right after our son was born. The more I keep trying, I feel like we pull further away from each other.


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## dclimestar (Oct 18, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> dclimestar said:
> 
> 
> > My husband and I have been married for 4 years, we have 1 child. When we first started dating, things were amazing. Talking all the time, wanting to spend time together and sex was great. The longer we are together, the less we communicate and our sex life has dwindled, big time. It seems like we only have sex when he has been drinking...more so when he's drunk. We don't get to go out for dinner or do anything much by ourselves. Our time alone rarely exists. Once in awhile we can get away, when I ask my parents or someone to babysit, I feel guilty or I'm afraid they will think I'm taking advantage of them babysitting. I am usually the one who plans time alone and arranging a baby sitter, I would love it if he planned something for me. Surprise me with a night away. I know we are both at fault for different things. A lot of the time, I feel alone, we never compliment each other and a lot of the time we end up arguing. Is this what happens in all marriages...?
> ...


That is one thing I need to start doing...start dating my husband again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The only wanting sex when drunk is really, really foreign to me. That's the only thing that jumps out at me from your post that doesn't sound easily fixed.

YES it's normal for we dumbass men to get complacent after a few years of marriage and forget to court our wives.

It's NOT normal to only want sex when drunk.
That probably offends you, and if my SO only wanted sex when drunk, it would bother me a lot.

The other stuff is fixable.


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## drewg350 (Oct 14, 2017)

[/quote]

Sounds similar to my marriage the first years. Exception the getting drunk for sex. 

For me, I had already won the prize. We had two babies already. I was in the provider/daddy role. The courting my W role was over. Been there and done that. Honestly, what else does my W need right? Turns out a lot. Only to me 20 years to figure that out. Thank God my W stayed the course until my dumb azz got it. Really, my W could have walked. She told me time and time again. I was dumb as a box of rocks. Once I got it....our marriage took off to a wonderful place. 

My W like you wanted to be surprised with a weekend away or even a darn date night. I never complimented nor did the little things like I did when dating. Again, I got the prize. No need for that. Wrong. Once I started to realize my W came first and I started the little things, a night away, date night and $35.00 worth of wildflowers once a month at any random time did I come full circle to being what my W wanted. Husband first, dad second and provider third. 

Your H needs to realize one specific thing for a marriage to work. Make your W first over everything. Kids, job, sports, friends, etc. Once both are were they need to be in the marriage, everything falls into place. 

Sit you H down. Talk to him about it. Help yourself to my post if you wish. 

P.S. Once I started dating my W again...my life got 100% BETTER.[/QUOTE]


OMG !!!!!! You and I must be related because I went thru/am going thru exactly the same thing. I posted the topic about "My wife Hates Semen - Won't Touch Me". Our relationship went down the tubes and I "could give a ****". My wife requested little things, like date nights, flowers, a love letter once in a while, etc... and I gave her NONE OF IT, and worse, thought our relationship issues were all caused by her. She tried telling me a thousand times when we'd fight or argue about our relationship. She'd say: "I could give you so much more. I could make you so happy if you just made me feel wanted, loved, your best friend, a priority". But I never did. I would go the opposite way and avoid her, going out of town for work, and coming home as little as possible. 

I'm finally waking up and realizing how much mistrust, anger, and actual hatred I've caused her to have towards me. It's going to take some time to repair the damage I've caused and in all honesty, I have no idea why she stayed with me. As she put it recently to me, she said: "I checked out of our marriage a long time ago. It's going to take some time to heal and put the last 15+ year's behind me". Take my advice, if you don't do something now to fix this problem, it's only going to fester and get worse. If you didn't have children, I'd bet you'd both probably look at getting separated or divorced. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband and let him know how you feel. If he cares, get him to stop drinking as that probably isn't going to help your situation. I'd go thru a bunch of these posts from men like myself, and the above gentleman, and print them out. Try and get him to read them and learn from our mistakes. I only wish I had someone tell me these things year's ago. A happy wife, makes a happy husband. If she doesn't feel loved, she's not going to give everything she has to you. Don't worry about feeling bad about having your parents babysit. Most grandparents love having the kid's. If it's too much for them, than hire a sitter once a week and spend time together.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dclimestar said:


> That is one thing I need to start doing...start dating my husband again.


No. Your H needs to start dating his you. The rest falls into place. Reciprocation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dclimestar said:


> His level of intimacy has slowly decreased. His job is stressful and he's constantly worried about money. Unfortunately, he has not always been honest with me, he was spending A LOT of money behind my back right after our son was born. The more I keep trying, I feel like we pull further away from each other.


Again, similar story to my marriage. I worked 12 hours a day to make ends meet. Did not include the drive time to and from work. Job was stressful. Worry about money. Kids to feed. Roof over the head. You understand. Thing is for me....I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Provider and dad. Kind of forgot about and felt I was doing the husband thing as well. Wrong again. 

Your trying sure. Your H is not trying. That is the issue. 

Took me a long time to figure out were I was failing in my marriage. Not being a H. Your H is doing the same.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

dclimestar said:


> That is one thing I need to start doing...start dating my husband again.


No you don't need to do that. Not yet at least. If you're the one here, sad because it seem your marriage is growing apart and you're not seeing signs of affection and sex from your husband, it's not likely your lack of interest that's causing the problem.

You're pulling him toward you more as he pushes away more. 

Break the cycle.


My guess is that you're afraid to confront him and so you're trying to manipulate the situation to get him to be more interested in you. Few people remain interested in door mats.

Calmly explain that the current dynamic isn't working for you. This is not an opportunity to list all that makes you unhappy. You simply and succinctly say, "I'm not happy with the way we are right now. It's not working for me."

Wait 5 seconds silently and then say, "I don't want you to answer right now, I want you to put some thought into your answer. Are you happy with the way we are right now?"

Then get up and leave the room.

When you do come back together to talk, you each have to explain what you want your relationship to look like, how you want to be treated by the other. By treated I mean, time together, attention to one another, signs of thoughtfulness, showing affection to one another and what your ideal (but realistic) sex life looks like.


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