# seperated, now what?



## Blindsidedme (Jan 7, 2012)

*separated, now what?*

I told my wife to leave the family home 3 days ago and she packed up and left. It was a long year of battles and what I eventually found out was a good friend had betrayed my trust and had intercourse with her multiple times. I had not even the slightest idea she was having an affair! She told me she had not been happy for the last ten years of our 20 year marriage and that I had neglected her. I have always been a loving husband and worshipped the ground she walked on. 

Anyhow, it really hurt when I discovered some emailed pictures that she had deleted that she sent him of the two of them arms around each other, happy as could be. I proceeded to dig up everything I could and talked to his ex-wife and she really clued me in. He had been hiding texts and emails from his ex but she had his password. When I confronted my wife she denied of course but I kept digging. She recently had breast enlargements done and had been spending a lot of time working out and every time she goes out she spends a lot of time dressing up and putting on her face. She never went to all this trouble in the past to look good and I must admit she looks like a '10' for a woman who is in her 40's. Something seemed fishy.

Just before christmas I broke her down and she finally admitted to the affair but only to having a single sexual encounter. I was crushed but willing to forgive if she wanted to salvage the marriage as we also have 2 daugthers 8 and 12. Things went pretty well for 3 or 4 weeks and we even had intercourse 3 times but she said she still did not feel 'comfortable' with me. I knew something more was up.

Just after christmas as we were putting decorations away, I asked her if she still felt anything for this guy still and she said he is a nice guy and that if she was ever single again she might date him to see if there was anything there. I could not believe what I was hearing. She said she would try to work on our marriage and there she is still having thoughts about this other guy?

After a 2 hour session of badgering her she eventually broke down and admitted to having intercourse with the guy multiply times over the summer. So she had lied to me again. I asked her if she had to choose between me or him who would she take? She paused and then said probably neither.

I packed up my stuff and left for a friends that night. I sent the guy a text at 2:00 AM saying I knew he had been having intercourse with my wife and called him a scumbag and a coward (there is lots I haven't said about how he had deceived me over the summer like going dancing with her and to parties and the bar and texting her when I wasn't around; I told him to stay away from her multiple times and he had agreed he would but seemed to always show up when she was out on her own or out with friends but not with me.) He replied to the text in the morning and wanted to meet face to face. I told him sure but of course he dropped it right there cause he didn't want the confrontation of a distraught man (supposedly good friend) who he had betrayed.

I came home the next morning and demanded she pack her bags and leave the house. She refused at first but then agreed because it had been her who had been wanting to move on with her life and try to be happy again and she was the one who had done the betraying and cheating. She packed up and left the next day after I drafted up an agreement to 50% split of the family assets and 50% custody of the kids. She is gone now but will be back and forth with the kids every few days (She gets them for 4 days and I get them for 3). 

She is calling this a 'separation' or time apart but she actually asked for separation back in the summer but we continued to live together. She wants to back date this separation to give an earlier divorce date (we have to be separated for 1 year before a divorce can be granted in BC) She does not want me to tell her family or friends about this affair or anything else that I found out as she feels It will destroy her social status. She is not the same women I thought I married and has become bitter and unhappy. . She has been seeing a counselor but won't go with me; only herself. She just wants people to think that our marriage reached the end of its life and that we grew apart, became unhappy and need to divorce. I guess that really is the truth but I am feeling like this guy is getting away with murder; he is walking in and stealing my wife, my kids, my extended family and I have to sit back and watch it unfold while friends and family think that this is just your typical marriage breakdown and they will accept this new guy when she starts dating him 6 months down the road. 

She's gone now but says she might come back. I highly doubt it with the way she has treated me up until now. She doesn't have a job and is going to stay with her parents until she finds one. Meanwhile I am supporting her chosen lifestyle of luxury as I have a good paying job. The in-laws know about this guy as I told them all about him earlier in the summer when I tried to move out after suspecting something was up but then moved back as my wife re-assured me nothing was going on (and I couldn't prove anything so I figured all was well and it was just some problems with me) He is so convincing and conniving; his ex-wife caught him cheating with 3 or 4 women previous to mine. 

I talked to a counselor and she told me I should just leave it all alone and that I shouldn't throw him or her under the bus and I should take the high road out of this and just wait to see what is going to happen. If she really wants me she will come back. If she wants him, she will go with him. Marriages from affairs don't really happen that often the counselor said. 

I have told her today that if she comes back she better had want to work on this marriage cause I'm not going to live like I lived this last year (spent 6 months in the basement until xmas) Also, told her I'm not sure if I want her back and can ever forgive her but time will decide that one. She agreed we need to spend some time apart before we consider what to do but she is still so cold to me and does not seem to feel much guilt for what she has done (she still blames me for her cheating). She is nice (pleasant?) and talks nice to me (at times especially when I am helping her with something or she needs something) but I feel as if maybe now she can do her cheating without anybody to question her. She doesn't seem too sad for moving out at this point in the game but has only been gone a couple of days and I got the kids for now. I thought she might feel more sad but she says she is mad I kicked her out. Well at least I feel good about it.

How long should I give her to come around before I say OK, its time to put the nails in the coffin? I have quite a few nails in the coffin already but am holding a sliver of hope that she will snap out of this spell this scumbag has cast on her and see what he is all about. This guy is not good for her; he drinks and drives, parties to 6:00 am, lies to everybody, cheats on his wife, refuses to pay support to his first wife (he has had 2 failed marriages already), has had his passport revoked at one time (my wife helped him get it back), has stiffed a good friend of ours for rent money (we got him a temporary place to live while he was trying to work things out with his ex-wife), 
Anyway, it was a pretty long first post but I wondered what other people out there think of my situation and what I should do?


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

Sorry for your pain. All I can say for now is that your wife is not seeing life clearly and I hate to say this but until she sees the reality of this man's true nature and what she has to give up, she will not come around. It's good that you kicked her out, I feel; SHE is the one who cheated AND she will feel a bit of reality, as she has, previously, had her cake and been able to eat it too.
Good luck.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> She does not want me to tell her family or friends about this affair or anything else that I found out as she feels It will destroy her social status.


Ignore this and let her family and yours know of her affair and identify the OM.



> I came home the next morning and demanded she pack her bags and leave the house.


Correct decision 





> She wants to back date this separation to give an earlier divorce date (we have to be separated for 1 year before a divorce can be granted in BC)


No, decline her request.




> She just wants people to think that our marriage reached the end of its life and that we grew apart, became unhappy and need to divorce.


Fix that by letting her friends know she was cheating and with who. Do not enable her by covering up her lies. 



> Meanwhile I am supporting her chosen lifestyle of luxury as I have a good paying job.


Why ? She wants out so give her out. Secure the finance so she cant draw on the family monies and close any credit cards. Get legal advice how to shut her down without you having to incur any of her debt or finance her lifestyle. 




> he is walking in and stealing my wife, my kids, my extended family and I have to sit back and watch it unfold while friends and family think that this is just your typical marriage breakdown and they will accept this new guy when she starts dating him 6 months down the road.


Only if you allow it: how old are your children? You should tell them of her adultery, identifying the OM, use words that they can understand without diluting the truth. They know something is wrong and instead of them hearing second hand you should be there to help and support them.

As for the OM, find a way of letting his parents and friends know of his cheating.

A separation it is normally used to further the affair without hindrance from the spouse.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've done a lot of very right things, but also you've been pushed into doing wrong things by your wife so she could carry on her affair.


At this point:

1. Expose the affair to friends and family. 

It's likely still going on, that's why your earlier attempt to make it better failed. She is still contacting him and very likely having sex with him. Now that she's out she no doubt sees this as a completely free - no fault by her - pass to continue the affair.

You need to kill off the affair. Exposing it will help do this fast. You're wife knows this and that is why she doesn't want you to tell anyone.

TELL EVERYONE. 

This isn't a revenge move, and yes it will make her mad as anything at first. But it will move the affair to an end.

Is the OM married or have a GF - expose it to them to immediately.


2. Make sure you take the cost the implants and summer parties etc out of the family assets when you divide them. It was all for the affair, and you can often reclaim the cost of the affair back when divorcing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: separated, now what?*



Blindsidedme said:


> She doesn't seem too sad for moving out at this point in the game but has only been gone a couple of days and I got the kids for now. I thought she might feel more sad but she says she is mad I kicked her out. Well at least I feel good about it.
> 
> How long should I give her to come around before I say OK, its time to put the nails in the coffin?


She happy because she's now free to have her affair.

That's why you need to expose it and help end it.

btw - have you separated your finances so that your aren't paying for her and him partying?

She won't come around until you force the affair into the light and make her face reality.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I think here in Canada, you can avoid the one year waiting period in cases of infidelity. You can use that to your advantage, if you want to end it sooner. Same with the backdating of the separation. It's not just her choice about whether the marriage continues, you know. You can decide whether she's deserves to be married to you, too.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Meatpuppet (Jan 2, 2012)

I'm really sorry you've come to this point, man. But if she's not willing to work on your marriage, you have to start taking steps to cut bait. I think you're totally justified in doing so. 

Everyone here so far has given you great advice, and they're right - you have done a lot of things right already. However, take very close heed to this: 



Shaggy said:


> Make sure you take the cost the implants and summer parties etc out of the family assets when you divide them. It was all for the affair, and you can often reclaim the cost of the affair back when divorcing.


Talk to a lawyer and make sure "affair expenses" are not considered marital debt on the divorce. The ultimate insult to already grievous injury would be to have to pay for breast enlargements on your wife when she's with another man. 

Also, if you haven't browsed the forums, you might want to "180 up." Become detached from her, emotionally and otherwise, and start taking care of yourself, for your own sake, and the sake of your kids. 

The only other thought I can offer that might be moderately comforting is that she's perhaps headed into a life with a complete train wreck of a man. If what you say is true (drinks heavily, drives drunk, etc), this is something I'd _definitely_ bring up at custody hearings. God forbid your wife and/or kids get into a car with this schmuck. 

Take care of yourself, and take some comfort that many of us are in the same boat, brother :smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorce her lying ass and stop all monies to her.

Sorry for being blunt...but I have no patience for this shet today.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Sorry this happened to you. Much of your story sounds like mine. Don't bother with the seperation, head right to divorce. Wish I had now.


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## Blindsidedme (Jan 7, 2012)

You know I was talking to my doctor and he said to expose this affair and to talk to my kids before she does a 180 on me and starts trying to turn the kids on me. She said she could never do that to me but I can't believe what she has already done to me in the last year. She got mad at me when I suggested we bring everything out in the open. She got mad again when I suggested I would discuss this softly with the kids (want to be careful not to damage the image the kids have of their mother and want to focus on this guy being the bad guy.) She said you don't do this to kids and they already know the reason we have split is because mom feels she can be happier if she is not living with dad anymore.

I am not sure I want to throw the mother of my children under the bus just yet and as the counselor I spoke with said (and what I have also read elsewhere) it might not do good to drag her/his name through the mud as this sometimes causes the bond between them to strengthen as they pull together to weather the storm of the attack.

I don't want to sit on the fence too long and it has only been a couple of days since she left (at my request) so I was going to wait a short time to see what her reactions and next steps were going to be. She is a very strong women and also very smart and quick witted. She can tell when I am lying in an instant and is a very good judge of someones character (except this guys). She has been very good at saying the right things and putting the spin on my words to manipulate me and make me feel like I'm the bad guy when ever we discuss this situation. Well I know I'm not the bad guy and I got a good bunch of friends who support me and my decisions. It is good to hear from you guys on this forum too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop thinking exposures dragging through the mud.

It is done to END the affair. The affair thrives on being hidden and safe.

Show it the light and you hurt it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Expose this women before she demonizes you in front of her family, friends and kids. You are being a doormat to a fault. Only when she is ready for facing the consequences of her affair, is she ready for reconciliation. Move this post into the coping with the infidelity forum. You are doing so many things wrong and she is exploiting you. You will get much better advice in the Coping with Infidelity forum. You marriage will never survive with your current attitude and neither will she change


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Go over to the coping with infidelity section and please read the sticky for new bies, it will open your eyes and help a lot.

Understand that everything she is doing is to protect and continue the affair. Everything. It's also very predictable and there is a lot of hard learned lessons you can use to help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blindsidedme (Jan 7, 2012)

Ok, thanks for the advice. I will do that


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