# Not sure what to do



## AHDivorce

Hello everyone,

Just registered.

I have been away from my wife for just over three months now. We have a child together (20 mo old). She has been keeping him from me, having only let me see him twice now for a total of about 2 hours in the last 3 months. I have filed for divorce since I was told it is the only way to guarantee a court order for me to get my son for any period of time.

I have been emotionally abused by my wife. I didn't know that was even a thing until my therapist used the term. I was not allowed to have a cell phone, eat my favorite foods, forced to eat jalapenos (even rubbing it in my eyes), forced to stay on my knees at night with no sleep, starvation, no control over my income, constantly recorded even in the house, told what I could and couldn't watch on T.V., forced me to choose between my wife and extended family (namely my mother), forced to miss my grandmother's funeral and wake. Some of this was due to fights that we would get into stemming from extreme jealousy. She constantly accused me of looking at other women to the point where I trained myself to look at the ground or into the sky just to avoid a fight. The accusations were constant and baseless. After a fight about it I would have to apologize, which I always did, but then make up for it in some way. I kept suggesting ways to make up for it but none were accepted until I started to suggest crazy ideas like jalapenos and no sleep.

I had tried to leave before but I couldn't stay away from my son. It was too late to leave her I thought. I even admitted myself to the VA twice. The second time I admitted myself was the last time I left and haven't been back to the house since. I had to call 911 to get a deputy to come to the house because she was physically restraining me (I didn't want to use force against her greater than what she was using). The deputy made a report and offered me a ride to the VA facility.

Can someone like this change? She want's to stay married but I have filed for divorce (she has yet to be served at the time of writing this). I am actually scared to return to the house. I haven't even gone back to get my things yet. When I do it will be with a constable present. I have met with her to see my son only in public places. Every time I meet with her she tries to give me hugs and get close to me but I can't bring myself to return those emotions. I have only been focused on my son.

I text her everyday to find out about my son and ask her to see him, sometimes with no reply for days. I send packages through Amazon containing pediasure, diapers and babywipes. I am seeking primary custody (primary conservatorship) of my son.

I am a combat veteran of both Iraq and Afghanistan with diagnosed PTSD. I know that she will use that against me. She had me believing that that was the cause of all our problems. Now I know different. I have been getting treatment for it. What can I do?

Help me please with suggestions.

Thank you


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## MattMatt

You have told your lawyer about this?

Tell the VA, too.


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## AHDivorce

Yes, both my lawyer and the VA know about it. The VA has my back 100% and multiple doctors and therapists are willing to give statements on my behalf saying I am not a danger to anyone.


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## EleGirl

The things you describe that your wife did to you are very severe emotional abuse. I would even call them physical abuse. To rub jalapeno peppers in someone's eyes is a physical act. To deprive someone of sleep is physical. A person who can do this to someone else is very unlikely to change. She would have to first admit that she has a huge problem and then seek years of therapy. 

Did she grow up in a home where this sort of abuse was normal? 

I think that divorce is your only option. You going for full custody of your child is also wise. If she will do those things to you, she will most likely do similar things to her own child. Such behavior is seldom directed at only one family member. It's usually done behind closed doors so that no one outside the family knows it's going on.

Do you have sufficient evidence of her abuse of you beyond your word?


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## Prodigal

Thank you for your dedicated service to our country. My late husband suffered from PTSD too. He found strength in a support group. 

Did you wife show signs of instability/abusive nature before you married? Because from what you're describing, she sounds emotionally unstable (to say the least!). 

I'd suggest you proceed with the divorce, and fight for - at the very least - 50/50 custody of your child. Has she ever been hurtful in any way with the baby? The more people who can back you up about her abuse, the better. Document whatever you can. 

Please keep posting. People here DO care!


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## anonfrank

You are not the mentally ill one, sir. Your wife is. Divorce and fight for full custody before she hurts your child. What an evil person she is.


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## .339971

Anyone can change but in cases of physical/emotional abuse it's null and void. It's best to just get out. She may want to stay married, but it's only because she wants to have someone she can control. Proceed with the divorce, take any and every necessary precaution and good luck.


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## sokillme

Let me put it to you this way. If this was a women writing about the third time her husband had put her in the hospital after punching her lights out and then questioning "Can someone like this change?" what would YOUR response be?

Dude your wife is abusive for your kids and your own sake get out.


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## arbitrator

*First off, @AHDivorce ~ I cannot applaud the VA enough for standing behind you! But if your family attorney is not being forcibly proactive in stringently dealing with your STBXW, given her criminal and inhuman nature of those atrocities against you, then you need to procure a firm who will go after her like a piranha!

Please keep in mind that in your absence, with the apparent mental illness that she has, she will project onto your son and he will also become a victim of her wrath!

If your lawyer isn't fighting for full custody and diminished benefits for her like spousal support and only abbreviated and supervised child visitation, then you need to have a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with them on their legal game plan!

Concentration camps in autocratic societies aren't that severe! Both you and your son need to be out of there pronto!

She's mentally ill and is in dire need of help! She doesn't need to be caring for a child or a spouse!

Please continue to keep us timely posted!*


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## phillybeffandswiss

You might need a better attorney. If you don’t have one, get one now. Unless there is a court order barring you from seeing your child, you could go get the baby right now and nothing could be done. Now, yes, you’d have to return the child, each state has a set amount of time, but as a married parent you have equal rights and access to your child.

Divorce and custody are separate issues. You can stay married and have court ordered custody arrangements. Whoever said you must divorce to get rights is wrong.

To stop any derails:
https://www.divorceattorneynyc.com/should-i-file-for-custody-before-i-file-for-divorce/
https://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/child-visitation-rights-before-divorce.html

Custody rights
https://www.mydomaine.com/a-fathers-legal-rights-to-child-custody-before-and-during-divorce-1103351
https://info.legalzoom.com/fathers-custodial-rights-before-custody-hearings-25447.html

Again, this all varies state to state or if any court orders are in place. Still, all states say married parents have equal rights. If there are no court orders in place, she has no right to keep the child from you.


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## cp3o

The Outlaw said:


> Anyone can change but in cases of physical/emotional abuse it's null and void. It's best to just get out. She may want to stay married, but it's only because she wants to have someone she can control. Proceed with the divorce, take any and every necessary precaution and good luck.


No sir - some people cannot change. If their brain is abnormal due to an inherited genetic variation there is, at present, no effective treatment. Some people are incapable of conscience, remorse, fidelity, empathy etc. because an area within their brain is incapable of working as it does in most people. Not only is there no way to adjust their DNA - they are unable to accept that they are "wrong" and would therefore refuse any programme designed to minimise their harmful impact on decent people.

I don't know whether this awful woman's behaviour is due to abnormal DNA or not - but such variations are generally thought to be carried by one person in (around) every one hundred.


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## .339971

cp3o said:


> No sir - some people cannot change. If their brain is abnormal due to an inherited genetic variation there is, at present, no effective treatment. Some people are incapable of conscience, remorse, fidelity, empathy etc. because an area within their brain is incapable of working as it does in most people. Not only is there no way to adjust their DNA - they are unable to accept that they are "wrong" and would therefore refuse any programme designed to minimise their harmful impact on decent people.
> 
> I don't know whether this awful woman's behaviour is due to abnormal DNA or not - but such variations are generally thought to be carried by one person in (around) every one hundred.


No telling. But in any case, he needs to get out.


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## cp3o

The Outlaw said:


> No telling. But in any case, he needs to get out.


I very strongly suspect that he does.


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