# I just can't shake this depression..



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I've tried SO hard to put this thing out of my mind. I think about what I wish I had done & said, All the things I should've seen, What could I have done different. On top of seeing them together in everything I see around me. I wander what they did, where they went, the things they talked about. It has consumed my whole life. I can't live like this. I've got to find a way to stop or it's going to destroy me & my marriage. It's become an obsession. I can manage to get ok for a day or two then I'm right back where I started. He was my best friend. The one I went to with all my problems & now I can't talk to him about the biggest problem I've ever had in my life. Please I need help. Is there anybody out there that went through this & how did you stop it?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You should go see a doctor about the depression. Your not ready at the moment to mentally deal with the trauma of having your world turned upside down. Your husband is not exactly creating a nourishing environment for you to heal. You probably need a time out from everything to gather yourself. Do you feel some space from him and the entire situation will give you enough space to have time to recollect yourself? When something overwhelms us, we sometimes need to remove our self from what is causing us distress.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Damn!! I had hoped the new year would bring you some peace, Devastated.  You can't keep going on like this. I've read your threads, but I can't remember if you're doing any individual counseling. If you're not, you REALLY need to be talking about this with a professional who can give you some help. I pray the future holds better things for you. Keep coming here, though. Sometimes just venting can help, too.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You should go see a doctor about the depression. Your not ready at the moment to mentally deal with the trauma of having your world turned upside down. Your husband is not exactly creating a nourishing environment for you to heal. You probably need a time out from everything to gather yourself. Do you feel some space from him and the entire situation will give you enough space to have time to recollect yourself? When something overwhelms us, we sometimes need to remove our self from what is causing us distress.


Yes I do feel like I just need to get away. I have told my H I had thought about it & He exploded. I don't want to make things worse. I just don't know what to do..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

thummper said:


> Damn!! I had hoped the new year would bring you some peace, Devastated.  You can't keep going on like this. I've read your threads, but I can't remember if you're doing any individual counseling. If you're not, you REALLY need to be talking about this with a professional who can give you some help. I pray the future holds better things for you. Keep coming here, though. Sometimes just venting can help, too.


We can't afford counseling.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I've got to go run some errands. I will check back as soon as I get home. I hope someone out there has the magic answer. Thanks for being here for me..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You should do what you need to heal. You might have to heal without him in your life. The marriage should not come before your health. You, yourself, is the main priority in doing what you need to do to be healthy again. His anger is probably some underlying fear of his that he might lose you. So he lashes out, trying to force you into making a decision that is best for him. He is not supportive of you. Your marriage sounds like it has been putting him first, and it is what he is used to. You have to change the dynamic now.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> We can't afford counseling.


Hmmmmm. :scratchhead: Well, I don't know if you attend church, but sometimes pastors are qualified to counsel, especially marriage problems. You might look into that. You need some kind of support system. And as far as your husband "exploding," considering what he's put you through, he doesn't really have a right to explode. Your well being should come first before any other considerations.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated

Sometimes the depression sets in to deep and you may need a low dose antidepressant to help you cope. I also think its time for some tough love towards your husband. I sent you a pm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

I am sorry for your pain. I feel the same way and can't seem to function.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need Talking Therapy and also some short-term antidepressants.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

i know exactly what you are talking about....i felt in many ways just like you and sank pretty low....talk to your doc about short term ADs like MattMatt said, they helped me tremendously and lifted me out of the hole enough to be able to at least breath....it wont solve all your problems but at least will help you clear your mind....best wishes to you, i know its so hard...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks everybody. I will talk to my Dr.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks everybody. I will talk to my Dr.


Devastated

Infidelity is overwhelming as it affects your entire life. Everything you dreamed for is now changed. Your retirement, your love for the WS, your hopes and dreams, everything. What you thought was before now you question if it will be. How much will your love change for your WS? How much will there love change for you? It was suggested before to speak with a pastor. This is excellent advice. When you call your doctor push hard to get in by Monday or Tuesday. They leave times open for emergencies and you need to push for that. Stay strong!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I think you do need a short term AD and to get a therapist. And, with all due respect, you need to quit being so dang nice to your husband!! Get angry. So what if he exploded when you said you wanted time away? Who cares? Do it anyway. After what he did to you, he has no right getting angry with you for trying to take care of yourself. He's still being an ass. You need to become selfish for awhile and think about yourself. He did that for how long? Good grief, the audacity of some of these cheaters really ticks me off!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get the book "The Mood Cure". There are some cheap, natural supplements which fight depression as well as Rx meds. Your library may have the book. Many libraries now have e-books, so you may be able to borrow it from another library for free.

5-HTP is an amino acid which is inexpensive. 50 mg mid afternoon, and then again later in the evening. After a week or two if there is no improvement in your depression go ahead and double the dose. The book covers all this and more. Do consult with your doc if you're already on anti-depressants before changing anything.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I, too, think that you should talk to your doctor about treatment for depression.

And as far as your WH's attitude about his cheating?

It's the saddest of facts that the one who does the heartbreaking is the one who is able to 'get past it.' The one whose heart is broken is left with such pain and anguish that it can feel like the worst of griefs.

You've had your heart broken, DandL. Your WH is the one who did it. You didn't ask for it, goodness knows, but that's where he put you.

So, you have to go through the process of mending your broken heart. And he has to help. He can remain the problem, or be part of the solution.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I know exactly what you're talking about. I went thru it, and still going thru it, actually. I believe your intensity level is obviously worse.

Maybe I shouldn't respond if I have no great advice on how to alleviate it some, but I don't want to see you hanging. Knowing that you are not the only person in the world to suffer so may help -- another pretty depressing reality, eh?

Though it is surely not good therapy, I lift myself out of the misery by thinking about getting my hands on the POSOM. Better not get into it, and not something that would likely help you anyway.

Can't remember if you've blown up at your H; It seems like your R is genuine, right? Bottling stuff up, and deciding that you just have to take it makes it worse, too. If you act like a whipped pup, you'll feel like one, too. 

Don't take any crap right now. You don't deserve it. You played it straight, so stomp down those that try to run over you. It really does sound like this is getting to be a medical condition for you.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

My H just called & I told him I want to talk to him this weekend. I need for him to know how I feel & what I'm dealing with. He said he would sit down & listen to what I have to say. I feel a lot better now. Thanks to everybody for giving me the courage to do that.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

thummper said:


> Hmmmmm. :scratchhead: Well, I don't know if you attend church, but sometimes pastors are qualified to counsel, especially marriage problems. You might look into that. You need some kind of support system. And as far as your husband "exploding," considering what he's put you through, *he doesn't really have a right to explode*. Your well being should come first before any other considerations.


Yup your WH is officially a POS 

Please Dev move on from this man there is no future with him

Not a good one anyway

55


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I think a big portion of your anguish is coming from your ongoing attempt to R with a clearly unremorseful WH. Sure, he can act sorry and say and do the right things for a few days at a time, but there is an underlying tone of him wanting you to get over it already, which is completely oppositional to how a truly remorseful spouse feels.

That said, you really need to tell your doctor how you're feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H just called & I told him I want to talk to him this weekend. I need for him to know how I feel & what I'm dealing with. He said he would sit down & listen to what I have to say. I feel a lot better now. Thanks to everybody for giving me the courage to do that.



Devastated

You had the courage all this time, you have the confidence, you're doing everything to save your marriage. You can't do this alone. One person is unable to save the marriage. If either of you become overwhelmed stop and take a break. Your marriage can't be repaired in one weekend. I wish you the best, stay strong.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How did the talk go?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

It's distressing to see this sweet lady still feeling so badly. I keep hoping her husband will start giving her the love, affection, and reassurance she needs to get over the hurt from his dalliance with the OW. As far as I'm concerned, he can't do enough to make up for his bone-headed mistake.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I think you're not healing because you're not putting yourself first. Your husband hasn't done enough to even help you begin to heal and you're more concerned about his feelings and not destroying your marriage, careful not to stir any trouble, than you are with your own well being. 

Infidelity is hard and devastating, hence why you're devastated and having a hard time dealing with it. It is traumatic and you'll experience symptoms similar to PTSD. You cannot 'put this out of your mind' it happened and it will be with you. Trust me what you're feeling is normal and expected, you're going to obsess, you're going to think through everything and every scenario.

You seem way too reserved so how about first you get angry and express that anger. What happened to you is an outrage. Your husband f***** up and f***** you over. Holding your feelings inside will be detrimental to you and only prolong your pain.

I recommend exercising, I started swimming again, exercising and running. There are so many benefits to it and keeping fit.

I also recommend exercising that cheating husband of yours from your life. I could never stay with someone who'd betray me so intentionally and so deeply and it wouldn't sit right with me to suggest otherwise. I would see a lawyer and file for divorce. It might actually help your husband realize the extent of his hurt and betrayal towards you and if not then you're way better off. It's never to late to be strong and take control of your life. No one can fault you for choosing to heal and be happy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband doesn't understand that life has changed forever because of his actions. He wants it all to go away and things to return to how they used to be. But that isn't the way it works when infidelity enters a marriage. The old marriage is gone and he needs to accept that and understand that it will take years to get things completely back on track. He doesn't understand that though and he blames you for not getting beyond it. He needs to put far more effort into this if he wants R to succeed. Because it won't succeed the way it's going now.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

(((((Devastated))))) Everybody needs a hug now and then, and I think you need one now.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated

I am filled with hope that your talk went well with your husband this weekend. I hope he now understands how much he has hurt you and the effort it will take to repair your marriage. Best wishes.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated

I am filled with hope that your talk went well with your husband this weekend. I hope he now understands how much he has hurt you and the effort it will take to repair your marriage. Best wishes.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks for caring everybody. I don't usually do such long post, But you where there when I was at my lowest & helped give me the courage to do this. So I wanted to let you all know how it went. I copied my post about how I was feeling. I can't seem say it to him like I can when I'm talking to y'all, because I don't want to hurt him. So I told him this is what I posted yesterday, because I can't deal with it alone anymore. The advise I got was to tell you how I feel. I can't expect you to help me through it if you don't know what I'm going through. He started to say something & I said STOP! I'm talking & you need to listen. I pulled it out of my pocket & read it to him. I told him you & her had a great little summer romance. It was fun while it lasted & now it's over for y'all, But for me & OWH & kids ( I called there names) we're still dealing with the damage Y'all did & I need you to be here for me & help me to repair what you broke. We had a long talk. He has always said they only had sex one time. He admitted that it was three. Twice in her van that he didn't tell me about to ( SPARE) my feelings. This set me back to day one. Physically shaking from head to toe, Sick at my stomach, Hard to breath. He again said I needed to look at what's here in front of me now & stop thinking about the past or I'm gonna be by myself. After I just told him what this has done to me. For the first time I told him to go. I said if I don't mean anymore than that to you after all I've stood by you through. If you can't be here for me now. Then you need to go. I walked away from him & left it at that. Then he came to me & wanted to talk.. & we worked through a lot of things. I think that things can start to get better now.. Thanks for the good advice everybody..


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I sincerely hope that this is the start of good things for you two. Best wishes!!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks for caring everybody. I don't usually do such long post, But you where there when I was at my lowest & helped give me the courage to do this. So I wanted to let you all know how it went. I copied my post about how I was feeling. I can't seem say it to him like I can when I'm talking to y'all, because I don't want to hurt him. So I told him this is what I posted yesterday, because I can't deal with it alone anymore. The advise I got was to tell you how I feel. I can't expect you to help me through it if you don't know what I'm going through. He started to say something & I said STOP! I'm talking & you need to listen. I pulled it out of my pocket & read it to him. I told him you & her had a great little summer romance. It was fun while it lasted & now it's over for y'all, But for me & OWH & kids ( I called there names) we're still dealing with the damage Y'all did & I need you to be here for me & help me to repair what you broke. We had a long talk. He has always said they only had sex one time. He admitted that it was three. Twice in her van that he didn't tell me about to ( SPARE) my feelings. This set me back to day one. Physically shaking from head to toe, Sick at my stomach, Hard to breath. He again said I needed to look at what's here in front of me now & stop thinking about the past or I'm gonna be by myself. After I just told him what this has done to me. For the first time I told him to go. I said if I don't mean anymore than that to you after all I've stood by you through. If you can't be here for me now. Then you need to go. I walked away from him & left it at that. Then he came to me & wanted to talk.. & we worked through a lot of things. I think that things can start to get better now.. Thanks for the good advice everybody..


Devastated ,

I am very happy that your talk went well. That being said I'm wary that after you pour out your feelings and he says to stop thinking of the past or you will be alone. That is about the worst you could hear. As for the amount of times they had sex, I think you are like me in that one time was too much. However, hearing it was more will throw you back to day one. Just keep talking about your feelings and he will hopefully come around. Telling him to leave was the best you could have done. I think you did great!! Stay strong and best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

thummper said:


> I sincerely hope that this is the start of good things for you two. Best wishes!!


Thanks Thummper, So do I. At least I feel a little better for now.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated ,
> 
> I am very happy that your talk went well. That being said I'm wary that after you pour out your feelings and he says to stop thinking of the past or you will be alone. That is about the worst you could hear. As for the amount of times they had sex, I think you are like me in that one time was too much. However, hearing it was more will throw you back to day one. Just keep talking about your feelings and he will hopefully come around. Telling him to leave was the best you could have done. I think you did great!! Stay strong and best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks Drifting On. It's always good to hear from you..


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

*Devastated an lost* recognize that his dismissive and nonchalant attitude towards how his affair has affected you is also causing you tremendous pain, in addition to the affair itself.

Your marriage and reconciliation require his active participation and committment.

Infidelity is a huge contributer to divorce and I feel that your husband doesn't even consider the thought of losing you a possibility. He seems to under value you and takes your marriage for granted, assuming that no matter what he gets up to, you'll take him back.

I hope that you in no way blame yourself or assume any part in his infidelity. I know that being cheated on can cause depression, lower your self esteem and it basically holds a magnifying glass over your insecurities. The decision to be unfaithful is on him alone.

Talking is a start but it's a drop in the ocean considering what you have gone through. He has to demonstrate true remorse and make amends for the pain he has and is causing, do not allow him to placate you with words alone. Look to his actions and intentions. If he doesn't care enough to make the effort then do not even think twice about kicking him out and finding a better life for yourself.

I'm glad you're taking a stand and expressing yourself, do more. You shouldn't fear being able to voice yourself or walking away if that is what YOU need.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You know, it would be so helpful if our cheating spouses came on these forums and just started reading threads. Let them read and see how devastating their actions are. Let them see the pain people suffer and how nearly always the marriages end up. 

Devastated, you are one strong person. If he does not come around, I'm confident you will be just fine.


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## darkdays (Jul 31, 2013)

I hope everything works out for you. I had the best friend thing going with my wife and she destroyed that. Now I just fake it through reality. I guess I had a classic romantic sense or idealism of our relationship and that was shot to crap. 2 years later and I really don't feel better and I don't trust the version of her facts. I don't know you but I wish you the best and I hope your husband can stay faithful to you.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I wish you the best as well, my first wife cheated on me with a mutual friend and things were never the same. I'm glad she filed for divorce and saved me from trying the "save" it, because I knew in my heart it was over. There are two things, in my opinion that send a marriage to the "point of no return" and they are cheating and beating. Who wants to sleep with one eye open or be constantly wondering who they are secretly talking to or meeting up with? My point is, you are never free and will never fully trust that person again. You are better off moving on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You did great!!! You have come a very long way!!

Your husband is a real jerk (and bully) to threaten you with being alone if you don't hurry up and get over what he did. He doesn't get it. I'm guessing he wouldn't be nearly as good at dealing with it as you've been. In fact, he might not even deal with it at all if he were in your place -- he'd probably just leave. 

Cheaters usually lie about the number of times they had sex with their AP but it's not to spare their spouse -- it's to spare themselves. They know what they did was horrible and so they try to downplay it so they don't look so bad.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

After this talk I would take those lemons and make some lemonade.

I remember how much better you felt in the months after Dday when you started to do more for yourself, to go out, to reach out to friends.

Why not make a conscious effort to do those things now? If you've continued this trend, why not plan even more gratifying activities for yourself?

Build yourself up so that you have a better understanding of how good your life can be when you are just on your own. Plan some excursions or events, even if it's just coffee with a friend or sitting in a cafe with a book. Celebrate yourself and your life.

Your WH may feel confident when he threatens you with a lonely life if you refuse to zip it, but the fact is that his life will be the poorer for lack of you.

Build yourself up. You're a lovely person. Do some things for yourself to remind yourself of that.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> After this talk I would take those lemons and make some lemonade.
> 
> I remember how much better you felt in the months after Dday when you started to do more for yourself, to go out, to reach out to friends.
> 
> ...


I'm still going & visiting friends & family, Working out everyday. I'm a lot more confident than I've been in years. Everyday I'm a little less afraid of being on my own, But I've never been on my own & I'm still afraid, But I'm working on it. This is gonna sound crazy, But I never would've even thought of putting myself first if everybody hadn't of brought it to my attention..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm still going & visiting friends & family, Working out everyday. I'm a lot more confident than I've been in years. Everyday I'm a little less afraid of being on my own, But I've never been on my own & I'm still afraid, But I'm working on it. This is gonna sound crazy, But I never would've even thought of putting myself first if everybody hadn't of brought it to my attention..


Devastated 

You've had it in you from the start. Infidelity came along and killed your confidence and self esteem, among a host of others. You were devastated and lost, and now your finding your footing after being knocked down. Your confidence is returning as you try to steady yourself and get a grasp on the hit you just took. Take your steps one at a time, step back if you get overwhelmed, take a deep breath then step forward again. Keep your husband involved, tell him you are having a bad day, you triggered, and discuss these feelings through. Together you can attempt reconciliation, only one working will be a disaster. I wish you the best, and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

You can't control others and make them feel differently about you, separation is never easy and I hope you've managed to move on a little, sounds like you're slowly but surly getting there. I'd forget about what your ex is getting up to and concentrate more on yourself, if you look good and getting on with things, he'll hate it. By the way, no one's ever perfect and anyone who says they are, I steer well away from. All the Best xxx


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You should always make your self a priority. A healthy you can better handle a stressful time. A stronger you will be better to reinforce boundaries. You had the strength to put him in his place over the weekend. He wanted to sweep everything under the rug, and that included your pain, but you had the strength to shine a light on the problems. You wanted him to acknowledge your pain, anger, and his part in all of this.

I am glad that you are working more towards an independent you. You learn that he is not to be fully trusted, and no one deserves to be placed on that type of pedestal. Love will often give us a rose tinted view of the people we care about. That is why you need a way of detaching from time to time to see how everything is going.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I dunno said:


> You can't control others and make them feel differently about you, separation is never easy and I hope you've managed to move on a little, sounds like you're slowly but surly getting there. I'd forget about what your ex is getting up to and concentrate more on yourself, if you look good and getting on with things, he'll hate it. By the way, no one's ever perfect and anyone who says they are, I steer well away from. All the Best xxx


He's not my x We've been together since we were kids. I'm not trying to change how he feels about me.I know he Loves me. He just don't get what he's done & the damage it's caused..


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

I have to say, well done for trying. All the Best xxx


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I dunno said:


> I have to say, well done for trying. All the Best xxx


Thanks


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated
> 
> You've had it in you from the start. Infidelity came along and killed your confidence and self esteem, among a host of others. You were devastated and lost, and now your finding your footing after being knocked down. Your confidence is returning as you try to steady yourself and get a grasp on the hit you just took. Take your steps one at a time, step back if you get overwhelmed, take a deep breath then step forward again. Keep your husband involved, tell him you are having a bad day, you triggered, and discuss these feelings through. Together you can attempt reconciliation, only one working will be a disaster. I wish you the best, and stay strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I sent you a PM let me know if you got it.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I think you'll find that your self-confidence has grown a lot. You sound more focused on what you want, and you're making that perfectly clear to your hubby. You're doing great, Devastated! Keep it up. :smthumbup:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

thummper said:


> I think you'll find that your self-confidence has grown a lot. You sound more focused on what you want, and you're making that perfectly clear to your hubby. You're doing great, Devastated! Keep it up. :smthumbup:


Thanks thummper..


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

There is a book out there called something like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair..." Written for the unfaithful spouse to help them realise how damaging what they did is to the faithful spouse..describes what the BS goes thru emotionally and physically and how they can help their BS heal. Try to find it and DEMAND AS A CONDITION TO R that he read it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks, I sent you a PM let me know if you got it.


Devastated, 

I got the PM. Stay strong and confident.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Agree, just stay focused on the goals you've set out for yourself, it sounds a little selfish but sometimes you have to be. Stay strong xxx


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm still going & visiting friends & family, Working out everyday. I'm a lot more confident than I've been in years. Everyday I'm a little less afraid of being on my own, But I've never been on my own & I'm still afraid, But I'm working on it. This is gonna sound crazy, But I never would've even thought of putting myself first if everybody hadn't of brought it to my attention..


Your happiness is within you and should never hinge on being with another person. I'm glad that you are being social and active. Never let the fear of being on your own be the reason that you remain in a relationship because you can be with someone and still feel alone.

Also to consider, it is often difficult for those who have been betrayed to heal while in the presence of the one that hurt them, especially if the unfaithful spouse is not all that concerned with their well being.



BashfulBull said:


> If I can advise a BS to anything, it is to get as far as possible physically and emotionally from your WS (as feasible) after the affair. You have to have perspective. You cannot get perspective having them around badgering you and reminding you of what they did on a day to day basis. If at all possible get them to leave or move out for a few weeks, then don't contact them. Get your perspective and get your head together. I'm so glad I did.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Devastated an lost,
Yes, I can definitely relate and mine is over 25 yrs. later when it all came back again when he wasn't paying much attention to me for 3 yrs. during this past recession. He was also drinking a lot more, arguing, etc. 

I'm at the point right now where I don't have any feelings left and I'm also so darn angry that I didn't leave him 25 yrs. ago. Most on here know my story. I don't care about life anymore, just want to sleep and I can't even stand to look at him anymore. I don't want him to touch me, I finally moved back into the guest room after this past Christmas as it's been a rough couple of months. 

I'm 71 yrs. old, not good health and just had another really bad fall, went to the emergency room by ambulance due to a hotel door knocking me down and hurting my back and hitting my head twice on the concrete. Now my already bad back is much worse, so I am so limited as to what I can do. That's only the second time in our married life that I can remember him showing emotion when I fell. 

I don't know what I am going to do with my life, just like you. I've been to several therapist and can't find the right one yet. I've tried anti-depressants and they do seem to help, but my last doctor was a jerk (excuse my language) so I had to go off it until I could find another psychiatrist. It does help though, but what makes me mad about it is this. If they hadn't did what they did we wouldn't have to be taking anything to just live day to day. 

I am so angry with life right now, feel like I need to just leave and say the heck with all of it. I know that I will never get the whole truth and the thoughts of him with her go through my brain off and on all the time. You, nor I didn't deserve this and I loved him so much, as I'm sure you did. I will never understand how someone, who says they never stopped loving you during the affair, can still be with another person. That is not love!

I know I'm rambling, it's just my brain going around again and I read your post and wanted to write to try and help you.

If there is one thing I can say, it is this! I was a victim in the beginning when I found out about the affair, don't you be one. Get angry and let him know how you feel. Shock took over for me and then sadness, before the anger ever took over. Try to find out whatever you can, don't be faced with lies like I was for 7 months, which could affect what decision you make with your cheating spouse. That's what happened to me. Yet, when I found out the truth, I blame myself for not kicking him out.

Get some kind of professional help, even if it means him taking it out of savings or your church. Get on some kind of medication, anti-depressant, Xanax or something to help you get through the day. I wish you all the luck in the world. There is no worse pain than an affair, unless it's the death of a child.

Best of luck,
Granny7


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

Devastated,
I just read your post after you had the talk with your CS. I can't believe his comment to you, that you needed to move on and his lack of remorse and compassion for what you are going through.

He reminds me so much of how my CH acted after I found out about his affair. Mine just lied, wasn't remorseful and defensive when I wanted to know what really went on. Twenty-five yrs. later I still don't know if I know the truth and it's all come back to haunt me.

I would be very careful about how he is acting. If he wants you to straighten up, then he doesn't get how much he hurt you, just like mine didn't.

Even 25 yrs. later, we are arguing again and he still wants me to get over the past and enjoy the future. He wants to prove that he loves me and says that I am missing out on what we could have in our later yrs. All I can think of is what we have missed out on during all the wasted yrs. and the betrayal that he did to me for over 3 yrs.

I wish you luck and I'll be thinking about you.

Granny7


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Granny
Sounds like you've been through the mill, heck. Sometimes you stay with someone due to financial and emotional circumstances, I'd step back and revaluate again. Even if it means time out, perhaps a holiday away from the situation, away from the smog. Be Strong and walk slowly but surly towards the Light xxx


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Granny7 said:


> Even 25 yrs. later, we are arguing again and he still wants me to get over the past and enjoy the future. He wants to prove that he loves me and says that I am missing out on what we could have in our later yrs. All I can think of is what we have missed out on during all the wasted yrs. and the betrayal that he did to me for over 3 yrs.
> 
> I wish you luck and I'll be thinking about you.
> 
> Granny7


Granny7 you should have left a long long loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago. But guess what? You still can. As long as you still have breath in your lungs you can do just that.

Your husband says that he loves you? So what? Love didn't keep him from being unfaithful, from drinking, lying to you and mistreating you throughout your marriage. F*** him and his love.

Your anger and resentment towards your husband and yourself for not leaving is and will continue to be there because your husband is still an unrepentent selfish a**hole. Even if he is truly remorseful, which is doubtful because of comments like this:


Granny7 said:


> He still wants me to get over the past and enjoy the future


The damage that he has inflicted upon you is vast and absolute.

I think that if you're with someone and that relationship has you taking medication for depression, seeing several therapists throughout the decades and had you attempt suicide on two occassions then it is beyond time for you to leave or kick him out. Heck clear out your savings and go on holiday.

Disregard comments from friends and family that tell you to work on your marriage. They haven't lived through your marriage and do not get to have an opinion. You've given enough and suffered and endured beyond their comprehension.

You will be surprised at how much better you'll breathe, how peaceful the world seems and how much happier you'll be once he is out of your life. The depression that has weighted you down for so long will dissipate and you'll start to feel more optimistic and excited about life again.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

He doesn't sound nice and he's making you feel bad. Take care not to let the Badness destroy you xxx


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Granny7 said:


> Devastated an lost,
> Yes, I can definitely relate and mine is over 25 yrs. later when it all came back again when he wasn't paying much attention to me for 3 yrs. during this past recession. He was also drinking a lot more, arguing, etc.
> 
> I'm at the point right now where I don't have any feelings left and I'm also so darn angry that I didn't leave him 25 yrs. ago. Most on here know my story. I don't care about life anymore, just want to sleep and I can't even stand to look at him anymore. I don't want him to touch me, I finally moved back into the guest room after this past Christmas as it's been a rough couple of months.
> ...


Granny7, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. After all that time spent hurting over what he did. You deserve to be happy. I'm gonna give you the same advice I got here. Think about yourself for a change. you've suffered long enough. Do what makes you happy & don't worry about what anybody else thinks. I still have hope for my marriage, But I'm still trying to work on myself so if I change my mind. I will be able to walk away.. I wish you the best of luck & hope you seek out the happiness you deserve.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I felt better for a while after my talk with my H. But I seem to slip right back into being unhappy. I've lost my motivation, I can't get interested in anything anymore. In 4 days it will be 5 months since D-day. How long does it take to get past this point? I don't know how long I can keep pretending that I'm ok.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't know how long I can keep pretending that I'm ok.


Why pretend?

There is a good amount of sound, intelligent advice on this forum and I'm certain that none of it recommends that you pretend that you are okay when you're not. You are not okay and that is a fact. Infidelity is traumatic and soul crushing.



Devastated an lost said:


> How long does it take to get past this point?


There are posters on this forum and in life still dealing with the pain of their spouse's infidelity years to decades later.

You've been through a f***** up nightmare and you will be feeling f***** up for a while. You'll have ovrwhelmingly bad moments that may last from a few seconds to weeks and months at a time, as well as good ones (emotional rollercoaster).

The unhappiness, loss of motivation, depression, not caring or giving a s*** about life or anything is normal. What you feel is expected and you shouldn't deny yourself these feelings. Be angry when you're angry, sad when you're sad, cry, scream, let it out. 

It'll be a lot harder to find yourself in a good headspace but a little discipline helps. No matter what, you should always make sure that you take care of yourself. Sleep a good number of hours each night, eat healthy and exercise regularly through the week. The adrenaline and endorphins from the physical activity will help lift your mood, reduce stress, work off excess negative emotions, ocuppy your mind and give you something positive to look forward to on those dark days.

You need distance from your husband. Having to be around him daily and your interactions with him, whether postive or negative will most likely affect your mood and put you in a negative frame of mind. In any situation where a substace is causing someone harm the first thing that person is told to do is to remove that substance or not be in regular close proximity to it.

Also if you're pretending that nothing is wrong, all this communicates to your husband is that what he did isn't a big deal because she's over it already and I don't have to do anything.

Do not isolate yourself, make it a point to be around people and socialize every so often.

Feeling pain will suck but it won't destroy you. Supressing that pain or trying to bury it and pretending it doesn't exist will only prolong it and ultimately it'll be more detrimental to you.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks Locke Stratos, I started out working out every day. Then I just lost interest. I just stopped 2 weeks ago. I didn't make the connection, But I have been going down hill since then. I didn't know exercising did all those things. I will start back & see if that helps.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As posters have mentioned, some people take years to get over it. And some people never do get over it. That's just the reality of dealing with infidelity, unfortunately. 

It helps to have a spouse who will do anything and everything to help. Your husband just seems impatient for you to move on. That's not helpful.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Before I found TAM I never knew anything could hurt this bad for so long. I do realize that it could take years or I may never be able to get past it. I guess it just helps me to let somebody know how I feel sometimes. Just to know somebody cares & understands means a lot. Thanks everybody for letting me whine every now & then..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a very hard road. I didn't really understand that until it happened to me. I felt I was exempt but I wasn't. 

The problem is your husband is not helping the way he should.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated,

Have you seen your doctor about the depression? If you havent, please schedule an appointment and get antidepressants. I had too much pride, and now, life has no value to me. This could also be attributed to my d-day anniversary (1/20/2014) being a week from today. Infidelity just kills you slowly no matter if you divorce or reconcile in my opinion. 

Please don't follow my path and get yourself some help before it becomes too late. Talk to trusted friends and let this out, I didn't but should have. Get on medication, I did but too late. I tell you this because it's not too late for you. But each day you wait the depression sets in more. Some of us need help to find our way through and that's ok.

Devastated, you are strong, I know because my WW is doing everything right and I'm struggling badly. I couldn't imagine my WW saying what your WH has said to you. I have stayed off TAM as my mind isn't straight at all now. My words would be meaningless and of no help to anyone. I hope you hear me and get some help through your doctor. Stay strong and God bless.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated,
> 
> Have you seen your doctor about the depression? If you havent, please schedule an appointment and get antidepressants. I had too much pride, and now, life has no value to me. This could also be attributed to my d-day anniversary (1/20/2014) being a week from today. Infidelity just kills you slowly no matter if you divorce or reconcile in my opinion.
> 
> ...


Drifting On, It's good to hear from you. I'm taking chantix to help me quit smoking. I'm afraid to start taking antidepressants while I'm still taking them. I really don't want to have to take antidepressants I've heard a lot of bad things about them, But if things don't get better soon. I will talk to my Dr. I'm gonna have to do something. I can't go on like this. I wish you the best & hope things get better for you. Stay strong.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, It's good to hear from you. I'm taking chantix to help me quit smoking. I'm afraid to start taking antidepressants while I'm still taking them. I really don't want to have to take antidepressants I've heard a lot of bad things about them, But if things don't get better soon. I will talk to my Dr. I'm gonna have to do something. I can't go on like this. I wish you the best & hope things get better for you. Stay strong.


Devastated

One of the biggest side affects to chantix is suicidal thoughts and anger/rage. Maybe check with your doctor about taking an antidepressant that won't have a reaction with chantix. I say this because I know your pain and its brutal. As for me I'm reacting badly to my d-day anniversary and I'm having trouble with the why. WW has actually been like we were our first year married. Everything is us and she has helped in my time of need. I can't wait for the twentieth to pass, I'm getting pretty tired of these panic attacks. Stay strong devastated you will get through this. I hope to hear you are feeling better soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated
> 
> One of the biggest side affects to chantix is suicidal thoughts and anger/rage. Maybe check with your doctor about taking an antidepressant that won't have a reaction with chantix. I say this because I know your pain and its brutal. As for me I'm reacting badly to my d-day anniversary and I'm having trouble with the why. WW has actually been like we were our first year married. Everything is us and she has helped in my time of need. I can't wait for the twentieth to pass, I'm getting pretty tired of these panic attacks. Stay strong devastated you will get through this. I hope to hear you are feeling better soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks D O I hope to hear the same from you..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I took the advice I got here & started working out again & It has made me feel better. Tomorrow is the 5 month anniversary of d-day. When I was talking to my H last week I mentioned to him that he had never spent the whole day out with me. After a couple of hours at the most. He's tired & ready to go home & watch TV. He called me this morning & said we need some fun time & would I want to get out of here & spend the day with him tomorrow. A day that I was dreading has turned into one I'm looking forward to. Thanks for the good advice. Hope everybody has a good weekend..


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I took the advice I got here & started working out again & It has made me feel better. Tomorrow is the 5 month anniversary of d-day. When I was talking to my H last week I mentioned to him that he had never spent the whole day out with me. After a couple of hours at the most. He's tired & ready to go home & watch TV. He called me this morning & said we need some fun time & would I want to get out of here & spend the day with him tomorrow. A day that I was dreading has turned into one I'm looking forward to. Thanks for the good advice. Hope everybody has a good weekend..


Glad that you're feeling better and communicating your needs.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I took the advice I got here & started working out again & It has made me feel better. Tomorrow is the 5 month anniversary of d-day. When I was talking to my H last week I mentioned to him that he had never spent the whole day out with me. After a couple of hours at the most. He's tired & ready to go home & watch TV. He called me this morning & said we need some fun time & would I want to get out of here & spend the day with him tomorrow. A day that I was dreading has turned into one I'm looking forward to. Thanks for the good advice. Hope everybody has a good weekend..


Devastated

This is good news for several reasons, he is thinking of you and heard what you said to him. You are getting through to him and he was receptive. He didn't shut down with anger and tell you to get over it. That alone is huge on his part. One of the hardest parts of this is you both have to change and work together within those changes. I hope you have a great day tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I'd also recommend not placing too much weight and emphasis on specific dates like anniversaries from the day you discovered the affair. This'll only aim to make you anxious in your anticipation of them.

The days and dates are arbitrary. It's fine to keep track of the time out since then but reserve anniversaries for days and events that celebrate life and are joyous.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I took the advice I got here & started working out again & It has made me feel better. Tomorrow is the 5 month anniversary of d-day. When I was talking to my H last week I mentioned to him that he had never spent the whole day out with me. After a couple of hours at the most. He's tired & ready to go home & watch TV. He called me this morning & said we need some fun time & would I want to get out of here & spend the day with him tomorrow. A day that I was dreading has turned into one I'm looking forward to. Thanks for the good advice. Hope everybody has a good weekend..


Devastated

Hoping you spent a day with your husband and had an awesome time. How did the day go? Do you feel better? I think your communication was well received by your husband and making plans on a dreaded day was thoughtful of him. I hope this keeps up and your pain becomes more tolerable. Keep communicating and expressing your needs and he will understand more as time goes on. Best wishes and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

itsahardlife said:


> You sound exactly like me so I can definitely understand how you feel. Even the way you describe how you feel about your husband. He is the one you go to when you hurt and now he is the one who hurt you. What do you do? It feels like you are going crazy because you cant do anything about any of it.
> 
> Like you, I cant afford counseling. I did go to the dr. and he gave me anti depressants. Unfortunately, I have a very low tolerance for any kind of med. and it only made me feel worse, however maybe that would be an option for you.
> 
> I wish I had some good advice for you but know you are not alone. I know it feels like you are the only one feeling this way or going through something this bad but you are not. I never thought I would ever go through this. It is a horrible feeling. Good luck. I hope things get better for you soon!




What I found difficult is the WS is the only person who can truly repair the damage if you choose R. So the person who destroyed you, will now fix you. I have my WW my heart for safekeeping and she ripped it from my chest and threw it on the floor. If that wasn't enough she then stomped on it by not confessing for two and a half years.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> What I found difficult is the WS is the only person who can truly repair the damage if you choose R. So the person who destroyed you, will now fix you. I have my WW my heart for safekeeping and she ripped it from my chest and threw it on the floor. If that wasn't enough she then stomped on it by not confessing for two and a half years.


Drifting On, That describes it perfect. My H brought his Lover to me, Introduced us & watched us become friends. So he could invite her everywhere we went. I feel like not only did he spit in my face, But he held her hand & let her spit on me too..


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, That describes it perfect. *My H brought his Lover to me, Introduced us & watched us become friends. So he could invite her everywhere we went.* I feel like not only did he spit in my face, But he held her hand & let her spit on me too..


Now THAT is truly tacky. You know, Devastated, the more you reveal about your hubby, the more I have come to despise him for the way he's mistreated your relationship! I mean, who comes up with crap like that? What a jerk!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> We can't afford counseling.


United Way

Half a dozen city/county agencies in your area.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, That describes it perfect. My H brought his Lover to me, Introduced us & watched us become friends. So he could invite her everywhere we went. I feel like not only did he spit in my face, But he held her hand & let her spit on me too..


Which is exactly why you should leave him.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, That describes it perfect. My H brought his Lover to me, Introduced us & watched us become friends. So he could invite her everywhere we went. I feel like not only did he spit in my face, But he held her hand & let her spit on me too..


Devastated

I'm sorry you had this happen to you. What I say may be considered harsh, but what your husband did is despicable. If my post earlier or tgis post caused you pain I am deeply sorry. I didn't intend to cause you pain, your husband has done enough. I hope things turn around for you. Keep working on yourself every day. Some people don't realize what they have until they lose it. I suspect your husband is very close to losing you. There comes a point that the pain is too much. Stay strong and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

thummper said:


> Now THAT is truly tacky. You know, Devastated, the more you reveal about your hubby, the more I have come to despise him for the way he's mistreated your relationship! I mean, who comes up with crap like that? What a jerk!


Yes it was Thummper, I can't believe the disrespect he did this with. That's what makes it SO hard to get over, But I'm trying..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why?

Oh, and you don't need marriage counseling. You need individual counseling for YOU.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated
> 
> I'm sorry you had this happen to you. What I say may be considered harsh, but what your husband did is despicable. If my post earlier or tgis post caused you pain I am deeply sorry. I didn't intend to cause you pain, your husband has done enough. I hope things turn around for you. Keep working on yourself every day. Some people don't realize what they have until they lose it. I suspect your husband is very close to losing you. There comes a point that the pain is too much. Stay strong and God bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, Your post only described how him doing that to me made me feel. I've been dealing with the pain that caused for so long that I have become somewhat numb to it. I guess I didn't realize how bad it sounds to say it out loud. You didn't hurt me. He did.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> Why?
> 
> Oh, and you don't need marriage counseling. You need individual counseling for YOU.


Because we've had 34 wonderful years together. In all that time I know without a doubt he never strayed. We were each others first Love. I'm not saying it's an excuse, But I do believe those shots he was taking for low T. played a part in what he did & I still Love him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> Because we've had 34 wonderful years together. In all that time I know without a doubt he never strayed. We were each others first Love. I'm not saying it's an excuse, But I do believe those shots he was taking for low T. played a part in what he did & I still Love him.


You sure it's not more this:


> I've been with him since I was 16 I've never worked outside the home. & I'm afraid of losing him. I don't know any other way of life. I gave up every thing I have no friends, no skills, no money..


What has HE done to make this up to you?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm not saying it's an excuse, But I do believe those shots he was taking for low T. played a part in what he did & I still Love him.


I doubt the Low T meds were the cause. I would sooner bet that it was the emotional effect of finding that he was Low T that influenced him and not the meds. The meds might have given him more energy and the drive to carry out the actions, but I bet the demoralization/ emasculation that accompanies finding one is low T were possibly more the cause for his thinking and state of mind. This is in no way an excuse or justification for his actions, as there is none and he is solely responsible for them and needs to own them. I just think that the thing is him emotionally solely and not resultant of the meds. It is a blow to a man's ego to find that the one thing that makes him a man is no longer there (I would guess on par to what a woman possibly feels during menopause and the realization that their femininity and fertility is changing/ending ). The meds themselves will only make and restore the way one felt like before Low T set in, virile and full of energy but not change their minds to now somehow cheat (believe me as I know it first hand).


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> You sure it's not more this:
> 
> 
> What has HE done to make this up to you? Wow, What an eye opener I had forgot how needy I was. I have come a long way since then. I do see your point & yes you could probably add those reasons to the list, But they aren't my main reasons anymore. Thank goodness. The ones I stated earlier are.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> I doubt the Low T meds were the cause. I would sooner bet that it was the emotional effect of finding that he was Low T that influenced him and not the meds. The meds might have given him more energy and the drive to carry out the actions, but I bet the demoralization/ emasculation that accompanies finding one is low T were possibly more the cause for his thinking and state of mind. This is in no way an excuse or justification for his actions, as there is none and he is solely responsible for them and needs to own them. I just think that the thing is him emotionally solely and not resultant of the meds. It is a blow to a man's ego to find that the one thing that makes him a man is no longer there (I would guess on par to what a woman possibly feels during menopause and the realization that their femininity and fertility is changing/ending ). The meds themselves will only make and restore the way one felt like before Low T set in, virile and full of energy but not change their minds to now somehow cheat (believe me as I know it first hand).


That's kinda what I meant. I know his emotions were all over the place.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> It is a blow to a man's ego to find that the one thing that makes him a man is no longer there (I would guess on par to what a woman possibly feels during menopause and the realization that their femininity and fertility is changing/ending ).


Ha! After 30+ years of dealing with blood, cramps, smell, and other affectations every single month...pretty much all women think when they hit menopause and lose the periods is...thank God!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's kinda what I meant. I know his emotions were all over the place.


Gotcha. The way I read it was because of the meds and the meds if anything reverse the state of mind and help one to feel better about themselves as a man (after such a devastating blow). I know how devastating it feels to find out one has the infliction, as it feels like you are failing as a man (imagine in my case compounding that with the devastation of having been cheated on, it just cements the ideal home that you don't measure up). The meds did help to reverse some of it though, as you start to feel like maybe you still have some life left in you despite all the beat downs being dealt to you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

turnera said:


> Ha! After 30+ years of dealing with blood, cramps, smell, and other affectations every single month...pretty much all women think when they hit menopause and lose the periods is...thank God!


Every woman I have known that has gone through the change has highlighted what you said as a positive, but everyone of them also told me they felt something less than they normally had before as they knew that their life was forever changed and their chances of every being a mom again naturally had been taken from them. It was a bittersweet situation as they told it to me.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, That describes it perfect. My H brought his Lover to me, Introduced us & watched us become friends. So he could invite her everywhere we went.


This is so f***** up. It's beyond cruel. If infidelity were illegal this would probably constitute premeditated adultery. I know you two have been together 34+ years and that all of that doesn't vanish but I'm really having a hard time accepting your husband as someone who's earned your love and kindness.



drifting on said:


> So the person who destroyed you, will now fix you


The reconciliation of the marriage requires both the effort of the betrayed and wayward spouse but you do not need him to "fix" you.

You can learn to work on yourself, heal from the pain you've experienced and grow from it. The offending second party is not required for your recovery.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> This is so f***** up. It's beyond cruel. If infidelity were illegal this would probably constitute premeditated adultery. I know you two have been together 34+ years and that all of that doesn't vanish but I'm really having a hard time accepting your husband as someone who's earned your love and kindness.
> 
> 
> The reconciliation of the marriage requires both the effort of the betrayed and wayward spouse but you do not need him to "fix" you.
> ...


He says it started out with them just being friends. My H is a mechanic. Her & her H have been customers of his for years. They have 3 vehicles & she brought them all in one at a time to have new tires put on them. He checked them & her van needed breaks. Over a two week period she was there 4 or 5 times. He was having a bad day one time when she came in. Running behind. It was "as he called it" like a mad house. She called him when she got home to see if he was ok. That's when they started talking on the phone. She sent us a friend request on FB & I ask him if he knew who she was. He told me he had done their work for years. She was a good person & would make me a good friend. As I was getting to know her they were starting their A. By the time she started calling me & coming to see us they were having sex. So that's how it all unfolded.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Still doesn't excuse your husband.

Where's your anger?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> Still doesn't excuse your husband.
> 
> Where's your anger?


Oh I have anger. I've come undone on him meany times & have come close to walking out more than once. There's no excuse for what he did. I just wanted to explain how it happened. Even though we are trying to work things out. This has made me see how dependent I am on him. I'm working on that too. I respect your opinion & I do feel all these things you say I should. It's just hard to change a lifetime of habits. Thanks for helping to open my eyes about a lot of things. I see now if we make it or not I need to learn to take care of myself..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you doing to become more independent?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> What are you doing to become more independent?


Well for one thing I couldn't drive in the city. I had panic attacks. I've been driving a little more every day. I have overcome the fear & can go pretty much anywhere I need to now. I have a house cleaning job now too. just getting out more. I'm reconnecting with family & friends. I know that don't sound like much, But it's a start.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

I just read all of your posts and my heart goes out to you. Sadly, in my opinion, there is only one way to heal from this and that is to leave. I was cheated on by my ex and when that decision is made, they are pushing the "NUKE" button on the marriage. I don't believe people deserve second chances with cheating or physical abuse, they've crossed the final line.
As long as you're around him constantly, you will continue to rollercoaster. You are standing in the rain and waiting to not get wet and it won't happen.
Cheaters, think they can say they're sorry, push it under the rug, like it's no big deal, "I screwed up, can we just move on" and it doesn't work that way. Even if by some miracle, things would get better again, you are scarred and will never fully trust that person again. Hiding affairs can be just about mastered now days and life is too short to be wondering all the time with what they are doing?
If you get out, a new environment, without him in it, you will heal a lot quicker.
I left a week later and didn't see her until our hearing, several months later. We had two young sons(2 & 4) and she would send them out to me on visitation days and weekends and we wouldn't even make eye contact, much less go into my former house. This went on for nearly a year, before we became friends again for our boys.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Do not underplay your accomplishments. There are people out there, that never confront their fears, and it would take years to overcome. It is really remarkable that you made it this far and I have been here for a little over three months . Just keep knocking those goals out of the park. Don't forget to take a look behind to see how far you have traveled. You do not need him as much as you once thought you did, and he has not been the source of your strength either. You are, and the people who give you advice only offer suggestions. It takes your own personal will to power it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Do not underplay your accomplishments. There are people out there, that never confront their fears, and it would take years to overcome. It is really remarkable that you made it this far and I have been here for a little over three months . Just keep knocking those goals out of the park. Don't forget to take a look behind to see how far you have traveled. You do not need him as much as you once thought you did, and he has not been the source of your strength either. You are, and the people who give you advice only offer suggestions. It takes your own personal will to power it.


Thanks, I know it don't sound like much to most people, But I am proud of myself & he has started to think about the fact that he could lose me. I think this is the first time that has occurred to him. He is really trying now. We have talked more in the last few days than we have since d-day.


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