# He cheated



## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I wish I knew where to begin. My husband and I have been married for 18 years as of last Saturday. The weekend prior, I found online by accident where he had filed for divorce. I confronted him, stating I thought with our anniversary coming up it might be a fresh start and showed him what I had found. He says he filed to protect himself from getting shafted, due to the fact, things haven't been good for a very long time. He indicated he hasn't had me served because he still wants to try to work it out. However, the day before our anniversary it was confirmed he had an affair from 2002 to Feb. of this year. I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with, however, either has he. We have been more respectful to one another the past few days than we have in years, yet how can I trust him? I have moved into the guest bedroom because I can't sleep in the same bed with him. He keeps asking if we are going to work this out, and my reply is I don't know, because I trully don't. If I stay, I feel like I am settling, eventhough I do love him, I don't know if I am in love with him. If I go, am I making the biggest mistake of my life....I am so confused. We started counseling the day before I found out about the affair and are supposed to go again on Monday....help!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well first you need to know what you want. You can always chose to get remarried later down the road. You can also file for a divorse later down the road too, if you try and things don't work out. Sadly, three out of four cheaters will cheat again.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Draconis, Thank you for the reply.
I do love him, however, I am afraid of being hurt again and of hurting him more because I hold resentment towards him for his actions. I have been with this man since I was 19 years and I am terrified of life without him, yet, if I stay am I giving myself the opprotunity to be happy or staying for the childrens sake.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well it sounds like you want this to work. Good for you. Here is what I suggest all the therapy you need. He needs to work hard to rebuild his trust that was lost. I think you need to avoid dragging the child(ren) into it if at all possible. I also would open up communications with him and tell him exacty what you want and what you expect plust how you feel about what has happened.

I wish you the best of luck and hope things get better. I hope that you keep us informed of how things go.

draconis


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## CynthiaX (Nov 3, 2007)

Go to the counseling on Monday and lay the whole thing out before the counselor. Perhaps the counselor can help you both sort out what you want from this relationship, where you want to go, if you even want to continue it, etc... Rebuilding trust is never easy but it can be done. If you still love each other and both of you want to work and are willing to work at saving your marriage, then stick with the counseling. Don't blame each other. Just start over.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

There is so much blame on both sides it is not funny. He wants to work it out and I just don't know if I can. It has been a month and he seems to be pressuring me to sleep in his bed again, he states he misses holding met etc. which I find stupid because he hasn't wanted to hold me in a very long time. He says he is trying to make things better, I feel like a mess.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You don't realize what you have until it is gone. Now he finally knows. The question isn't what he wants but what you want. Can it be mended?

When I was with my first wife she cheated on me. I knew nothing would change the way I felt and that there would always be issues. I knew I was better off and she was to go forward with our lives seperate.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

I know I want out....which really hurts.....right now I feel so lost and confused. It is so easy to positive and strong for others, however, when trying to make a decision about my own life I am stuck. Where is my Knight to come in and rescue me and take the pain away....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> I know I want out....which really hurts.....right now I feel so lost and confused. It is so easy to positive and strong for others, however, when trying to make a decision about my own life I am stuck. Where is my Knight to come in and rescue me and take the pain away....


Just remember knights don't have the schedule. I remember my divorce. I lost a least 40 pounds and I was a healthy person before losing the weight. It tied me in knots. Back then forums like this did not exist. I was upside down for some time. I made bad mistakes right after too. When I was fed up with women I met my wife. We will always be here. My wife will always be on WOW, if you want her perspective I am sure she would be willing to talk to you. I made my mistakes as my ex wife did. I was smart enough and strong enough to move on and learn from them. I have seen both quailities in you (strong and smart).

I wish you the best.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

My life at home seems to be nothing more than a prison sentence. I live in my son's old room a 10x10 cell. My only out reach is my computer which I to play WOW way to much. My family out of state also plays not to mention some good friendships, it seems to be my only solace. As strong as I think I might be, I can't inflict the change necessary to move forward.....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> My life at home seems to be nothing more than a prison sentence. I live in my son's old room a 10x10 cell. My only out reach is my computer which I to play WOW way to much. My family out of state also plays not to mention some good friendships, it seems to be my only solace. As strong as I think I might be, I can't inflict the change necessary to move forward.....


It is a slow process that takes time.

draconis


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## Mrs. S (Nov 10, 2007)

Hello,
I'm so sorry about your situation. I think I have a pretty good idea of how your feeling right now. Even though I've only recently been married, my husband and I have been together for about five years or more, and it's been a constant battle. We don't have any children ( are they making your decision of reconciliation harder)? I think I've been able to get over the incident itself, it did take about two years, but I still havn't been able to regain the trust. Did your husband agree to the counceling? If so, did it help? I'm seriously considering just making an appointment for my husband and I to speak to someone in person. Somehow I feel that it would be more difficult for him to lie to someone who's trained to detect lies, or at least intimidate him.
Anyways, how are things progressing with your situation. Have you been able to get through to your husband. When you talk to him does he actually listen? I'd like to hear how your working through everything, or if you just need to vent I would just like to say, that you are an extremly strong person and are demonstrating great courage in a very trying situation. The best of luck with your journey, and again if you need to talk I'll be checking back often


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## des3978 (Nov 24, 2007)

I don't know where to begin. I have been with my spouse for 9 years have a 5 year old daughter together and a child of our own from seperate relationships. I am currently 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. I get a call from a woman who claims to have been with him for 3 years and can't take the fact that she can't have him the way she would like. I have always had a feeling he was cheating but never had any solid proof to acuse him, but always came real close a few times.I played my own private investigator but then would give up because it was wasted energy and he would always finagle his way out of it anyway. He calaims he had an issue with this girl and that was all it was and that she is trying to hurt him in everyway possible. Her first attempt was to have him lose his job and that failed. She then threatened him with telling me he said that was the last thing he wanted her to do but she kept it over his head for too long that he finally told her to do what you have to do and so she did and threw in a few extras. I was enraged and he was already preparing himself to leave before I came in the door. He claims to love me and never jeopardize what we have. I don't know what to believe anymore. Could the story be true or is this another attempt to cover up and keep me under his wing.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

des3978 said:


> I don't know where to begin. I have been with my spouse for 9 years have a 5 year old daughter together and a child of our own from seperate relationships. I am currently 7 months pregnant with our second daughter. I get a call from a woman who claims to have been with him for 3 years and can't take the fact that she can't have him the way she would like. I have always had a feeling he was cheating but never had any solid proof to acuse him, but always came real close a few times.I played my own private investigator but then would give up because it was wasted energy and he would always finagle his way out of it anyway. He calaims he had an issue with this girl and that was all it was and that she is trying to hurt him in everyway possible. Her first attempt was to have him lose his job and that failed. She then threatened him with telling me he said that was the last thing he wanted her to do but she kept it over his head for too long that he finally told her to do what you have to do and so she did and threw in a few extras. I was enraged and he was already preparing himself to leave before I came in the door. He claims to love me and never jeopardize what we have. I don't know what to believe anymore. Could the story be true or is this another attempt to cover up and keep me under his wing.


It just might be that he is telling the truth. However, at the point of doubt he needs his life to be transparent as a way to prove he is indeed innocent. 

Does he work regular hours? Does his paycheck match the hours he works? When he says he stopped by a store does he come home with stuff? Does he go out with people you do not know?

Does he have secret emails that you have no access too? Does he answer the phone in a way that you do not know who he is talking to?

The best thing I'd say to do is offer him trust but ask that he lives transparent.

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

This is a good time to simply go through withthe divorce and be sure that you are treated fairly. Obviously he meant to get away with as much as possible, otherwise he would have negotiated the divorce fairly from the beginning.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Update:

Things are moving along in what direction I am not sure. My father passed away on Nov. 11 and I had to leave town for three weeks to attend to family matters, due to the fact he lived out of state. While I was gone my focus was not on him, moreover, the fact my father was gone. While I was gone we did talk some. He wanted to be comforting etc. and I just wasn't feeling it or wanting it. Upon my return, his affectionate actions have been smothering. I had to tell him so. I am under lots of pressure from the children to work things out. Furthermore, he keeps having what I consider inappropriate conversations with the older children. What is between him and I needs to be between him and I. They do not understand how adults interact, especially when it comes to our situation.

Anyway, thanks for listening.........


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Try to find a day where the two of you can have 4-5 hours to sit down for the idea of communicating. Although what is happening in the adult world isn't all for children they have a right to know aswell, as anything you decide will effect them more then yourself. But you and the hubby need to come to an understanding about how to tell them stuff.

draconis


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## evenow (Oct 15, 2007)

I'm sorry for your loss.

Confront your husband with your concerns. If he really wants to resume a good relationship with you he will back off when you tell him to and stop sharing this information with the children. Let him know what you want from him (or as much as you've figured out).

I'm a little concerned that his new-found love for you may be because he's afraid of losing you. On the surface this may seem sweet, but if he isn't going to change his behavior he's just wasting your time.


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## Tag (Dec 1, 2007)

Having lived with him for 19 years would surely make you uncomfortable of imagining a future without him. Why have you stayed together for so long? Try to work it out.


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Tag,

There is still a part of me that cares very much for him. When you have been with someone half of your life it is hard to walk away. The newness of the information since late September, still weighs heavy on my heart. I am still sleeping in the other room, residing in the same house. I think mainly for the children and financially. At this point I really do not know what to do. I have never felt so lost and confused. I am withdrawn and heistant to move forward for fear of getting hurt. In addition, I know that I deserve to be happy. For right now I am just taking it one day at a time. That is the best I can do.


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

Sometimes we are afraid of making a mistake because we are unsure of the outcome. Just think of you, of what you want, of what you are willing to do. You deserve better. At the begining will be weird, but it always gets better, in ways we never expected.


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