# My Wife Deserves A Better Man



## MYM1430

I know that I should be that better man, but I don't know how. I have low self-esteem and borderline depression and I feel like I have been dragging her down for years. 

We have been married for over 12 years and have three school age children . I am in counseling but only for a couple of weeks. We recently did a love language test and Physical touch was my highest score (10) but her lowest (0). I am afraid that I can't give her what she needs. Our home life is stable so a separation would be very unexpected by everyone we know. Neither of us have any interest in anyone else. We both believe in marriage for life so even if we split we would never see anyone else. I just see the future with both of us becoming more and more depressed. What should I do?


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## Gaia

Work on it. What is her love language?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS

Based on the title you chose for this thread, your wife will eventually get that "better man". The problem is that this will become a self fulfilling prophecy until you start making changes. I'm sure you know all of this already. I believe most people come to TAM with most of the answers to their issues already figured out and they merely need to her confirmation of their thought processes or simply need a kick in the pants to get going.

Here is the kick in the pants from yours truly. Learn to love and respect yourself, because if you can't feel these feelings for yourself, how do you expect others to feel them about you (aside from your parents, of course)? It sounds like you recently started therapy for yourself and that is a great first step. But you need to build up your self esteem. If you are out of shape, exercise and eat healthy in order to get those endorphins to start popping in your brain. Endorphins = good. Plus, you'll like seeing the positive effects that exercise will have on your physique. If there are some hobbies that you like to do or new things you want to try, you should go for it. Doing something pleasurable will help you reconnect with those good feelings of enjoying the smaller things in life. I'm sure others on here will have plenty of other suggestions to help you feel better about yourself. But I think this is the biggest key to your marriage - getting yourself into a better place mentally.


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## wiigirl

Gaia said:


> Work on it. What is her love language?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This...and whats her opinion on the subject?









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MYM1430

Her love languages are Quality time and words of affirmation. 

She is tired of loving the "depressed" me and wants a "healthy" me to love.


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## CH

MYM1430 said:


> Her love languages are Quality time and words of affirmation.
> 
> She is tired of loving the "depressed" me and wants a "healthy" me to love.


Well then you know what she needs and now she knows what you need. Which one is gonna make the 1st move to make things better between the 2 of you?

Or are the both of you just gonna do a face off to see who blinks 1st?


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## KathyBatesel

MYM1430 said:


> Her love languages are Quality time and words of affirmation.
> 
> She is tired of loving the "depressed" me and wants a "healthy" me to love.


This is where "fake it till you make it" becomes a good philosophy. Don't let negative words fall from your lips. When they do, follow up with something positive. Smile, even if you don't feel like it. Spend 5-10 minutes a day just being with her - doing what she wants to, sitting quietly, or just listening to her. I'd bet you'll get more physical touch and start feeling better.


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## Maricha75

You sound like my husband. Really, you do! Complete with the depression and IC and 3 children! 

Ok, here is something we have been doing the last few months. Every night, he goes to bed before everyone else. He has to take his meds at specific times, and some make him tired really early. We're ok with this, for the most part because we always try to spend a bit of time together before he goes to sleep. You need physical touch, she needs quality time. I'll get to the words of affirmation in a minute. Ok, if you lay in bed for a bout 30-60 minutes together, just talking and cuddling, you both can get those particular needs met at that time... Touch each other. Kiss... hug... massage. But, do the kissing and hugging throughout the day as well. While SHE may not need the physical touch, you do. And these can help in that area.

As for words... tell her you appreciate when she makes dinner, or brings you a sandwich. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her how you feel about her. Tell her when you notice the little things she does, even if it is a little change in her appearance. Get it?

It really isn't that hard to do these things. But also, do activities together that she likes. Anything. Just to spend the time with her.

Hope that helps some. My husband and I are a work in progress... but we're getting there!


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## Stonewall

I understand how you feel. For 35 years I have felt like mine deserves a better man as well. I do the best I can and don't know how to be better but I always feel like she is so much more deserving.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I feel the same way to my husband and we talk about it frequently. I broke my neck 4 years ago and I became disabled. I feel like I failed him as a wife and I feel like I've failed my children as a mother.

He assures me that I'm still the same wife he married and he couldn't be happier. He truly loves me the way I am now. Even if I am talking in a down mood. He listens and helps me through this. Without his support I'd be much worse off. I could never hold my feelings in. I also have severe chronic pain and it in itself is very hard to deal with. I've lost my life. I'm a prisoner in my own body.

Talk to your wife about your feelings. Be honest and upfront. Communication is so important. I bet she loves you very much for who you are. Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a great husband to your wife. Getting help through a good therapist would help if you haven't gone that route already. Good luck.


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## in my tree

It seems as though you are on the right path. You are aware of your issues, you are trying to make things better for both of you and that's huge. I lived with a man who refused to do anything about our problems (counseling, talk, cry, scream, ANYthing!) and that was the most frustrating thing ever. Give yourself a break - you are a good man and if you weren't, I'll bet your wife wouldn't still be there with you.


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## curlysue321

Try medication for your depression. Even my last year with my ex who treated me like I was nothing to him I was very happy because I was heavily medicated. Treat your depression. See a psychiatrist.


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## MYM1430

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. When we first met our love languages were not so extreme. We still had the same preferences (me for touch and her for QT) but they were more moderate. My physical touch score has never been so high or hers so low. My QT desire is lower than it used to be also. Are we driving each other away?


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## nachopenguin

My husband is Physical Touch, and I am Words of Affirmation, and I'm currently the one in a quasi-depression. My husband is not the world's best communicator, and to be honest with you the lack of "words" are, indeed, driving my away from him and making me less want to give him his Physical Touch. In all honesty, if he started opening up a little and making me feel better about myself, I'd want to touch him a lot more. 

Do you tell her what you're thinking -- every time? If you think "I love her," do you tell her you love her? Do you tell her if you think her hair looks pretty or that she's made a nice dinner? Have you suggested nights out without the kids?


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## MYM1430

While I know there are areas I could improve, I think she feels loved by me. I think she is losing her attraction for me.


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## ArmyofJuan

MYM1430 said:


> Her love languages are Quality time and words of affirmation.
> 
> She is tired of loving the "depressed" me and wants a "healthy" me to love.


Try Wellbutrin or Lexapro, sounds like you may have a chemical imbalance in yo brain. (yea I said "yo", shut up)


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## KathyBatesel

MYM1430 said:


> Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. When we first met our love languages were not so extreme. We still had the same preferences (me for touch and her for QT) but they were more moderate. My physical touch score has never been so high or hers so low. My QT desire is lower than it used to be also. Are we driving each other away?


A suggestion that I once heard and think is a great idea (and which my husband and I have adopted ourselves) is that when it comes to being sexual, if one of us wants it and the other does not, the one who doesn't want to will agree, but gets to determine what will take place. In other words, if you wanted to play and she didn't, she could say, "Just a quickie" or "I want you to pleasure me like this." Even if the mood wasn't there to begin with, the lower libido person might just find themselves enjoying it, and the relationship overall benefits anyway.


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## Entropy3000

KathyBatesel said:


> This is where "fake it till you make it" becomes a good philosophy. Don't let negative words fall from your lips. When they do, follow up with something positive. Smile, even if you don't feel like it. *Spend 5-10 minutes a day just being with her - doing what she wants to, sitting quietly, or just listening to her. I'd bet you'll get more physical touch and start feeling better.*



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yes. I agree. This is called an affirmation. Visual in your mind what that better husband would do ... and then do that. Over time you will reporgram your behavior to what you want.

Keep working on your marriage. if you both believe in marriage as a lifetime comittment ... NEVER give up.
Make this work. 

You need to be the man you respect first. 

The situation can either spiral downward or ratchet upward. You get to decide.

Do you workout? If not get to the gym. It will help you mentally as well as physically.

Start making changes that put you and her in quality time. DO IT. You will find you like it.


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