# After he's gone



## CuriousWife (Nov 16, 2011)

I am new to this site and this whole experience. Things are kinda overwhelming at the moment and I am trying to just breathe. So I want to ask the women who've been through this already to answer two questions please..

The first is after he tells you he doesn't want you anymore what is the worst thing you go through in the first 6 months please? What pain do I have to 'look forward' to? What is it that will stop me from sleeping, keep me crying for days on end? I need to know.

The second one is if could have asked someone for help at that time, what help or support did you need/ would have helped. They say hindsight is a wonderful thing - please give me your hindsight advice so that I can move through this as quikly as possible. I hate how it feels right now.


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## cherrymamajb87 (Nov 9, 2011)

curious, they say don't ask questions you don't want the answers to but I will try to help you. The worst part will be seeing or hearing from him. It will feel like taking a bullet every time. And they seem to have radar on us, the second you feel like you're doing alright and you're getting it together, they WILL call. You will most likely have moments where you don't even know how to take the next breath, especially if you are hanging on to hope that you can fix your marriage. 

I haven't found any support or help that did any good as of yet, counseling, TAM, church, family, friends. None of that makes any of it feel better. I wish there was a quick way to move through this period of utter torture but I haven't found it yet. Im so sorry for you pain


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Sorry you are going through this. I was in your shoes 8 months ago, and I want to tell you that things WILL be better. Not sure if your situation involved a cheating spouse, but whether it did or not, this thread is amazing. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html 

The worst thing to deal with is just dealing with them in general. You never know what to expect and their behavior is erratic. A phone call, text message, email are all constant anxiety triggers. I cried a lot, couldn't eat, had a hard time getting out of bed, and I had two children to care for. Which also meant I had to see him frequently. Best choice for me was to go almost no contact. Time will help things, and a big part is just detaching. Letting go of the hope of reconciliation will do wonders. Switch into that survivor mode. Start making a life for YOU that has nothing to do with him. Honestly it took less than 6 months for me to feel better. By 3 months I was a million times better! The appetite will take a bit to come back, but for now make sure you stay hydrated, take some vitamins, maybe protein shakes. See your doctor if you think you might need something to help you sleep or get you through the depression. Distract yourself... read books, watch movies, stay busy with family and friends.

As far as my support network, I leaned on everyone. I told my family (it took me a long while to tell my dad), friends, coworkers, and it helped me through to have someone to vent to. It was hard at first but the best thing I did. Honestly, this website helped a LOT. I came here, posted in my thread, and became familiar with several people. A group of us actually ended up starting our own facebook group and now I consider them true friends. I've even met several of them in real life. I started up some of my old hobbies, made time to read, got more active (especially when kids went with stbx), invested more in my friendships and family, and gained my confidence back. When I felt like meeting new people, I joined a dating site (looking for friends only nothing serious) and then looked at it as an opportunity to just go out and be "me". I wasn't really open to finding love or anything, I knew I had healing to do. But it was fun to know I was attractive and appealing to the opposite sex and that I had value. Just because my husband didn't want me, doesn't mean I'm worthless. It helped me to put things into perspective. 

I'm so much better off now. I think what happens is that when they leave and decide to end the relationship, they focus on the negatives. And we, as the left behind spouses, focus on the positives. It creates a smog and glorifies a fantasy. Once you are able to set yourself free from that, you can look back and see that this is for the best. And believe me, my marriage seemed great at the time. I was a real mess. If you have time or are curious, this is my novel of a thread. To look at me in the beginning and again at the end is eye opening. I'm glad I have it as a journal of my ordeal. But you know what? I made it through and I'm stronger than ever! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-.../23111-now-what-i-love-you-i-always-will.html

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

The worse part was missing him, the him I new him to before he acted like a horses azz. I felt disappointment that someone I love could treat me like that. He took his daughter and I felt so disrespected after all I had done and tried to do, that I was nothing to him. Now I can appreciate were he was and is, and accept it and move on...and I am in a better spot.

Because is could never express or own up to the discussion about what was wrong...I couldnt ask anyone for anything...Just as well. He needed his freeedom and it was best for me that he get it.


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## CuriousWife (Nov 16, 2011)

Thanks for the replies even if they aren't exactly the happiest news in the world at least they're honest which is more than I can say for my husband. I thought everything was fine and then about 8 weeks ago I got the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. He says that there isn't anyone else and that he just doesn't feel the same way about me. I've asked him what went wrong and he says that he can't explain it. I don't know what I did wrong or where i went wrong. I feel completely devastated and stupid - did I miss some signs? Was I blind? I really don't know what happened. I just feel like a complete failure. Some mornings i wake up and for a moment or two I am okay and then it hits me like a brick wall that he has gone. It takes all the strength I have just to get through the day. Is this normal or am I a total wimp? Did any one else out there feel like this? I think it must be me - I am obviously an utter failure as a wife and as a person. Is there anyone out there that can relate?


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

I was right where you are at 6 months ago. The hardest part was trying to rationalize "Why?" Why now? What did I do to deserve this? It took me a long time to figure out it wasn't me. It's taken me an even longer time to get where I am fine not talking about it or seeing her.

Limbo is the worst part of it all. The constant thinking that you could make it work if given a chance... all the false signs of what you think may be reconciliation in the little things they do and say. Picking apart their actions for signs of hope. It's a killer. 

Once you can say, screw it, I don't want to live like this anymore it gets much better. I'm almost there but not 100%.

Sorry to hear you're in pain... it does get better.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

CuriousWife said:


> Thanks for the replies even if they aren't exactly the happiest news in the world at least they're honest which is more than I can say for my husband. I thought everything was fine and then about 8 weeks ago I got the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. He says that there isn't anyone else and that he just doesn't feel the same way about me. I've asked him what went wrong and he says that he can't explain it. I don't know what I did wrong or where i went wrong. I feel completely devastated and stupid - did I miss some signs? Was I blind? I really don't know what happened. I just feel like a complete failure. Some mornings i wake up and for a moment or two I am okay and then it hits me like a brick wall that he has gone. It takes all the strength I have just to get through the day. Is this normal or am I a total wimp? Did any one else out there feel like this? I think it must be me - I am obviously an utter failure as a wife and as a person. Is there anyone out there that can relate?


I can relate. I am living it right now. For awhile I was hopeful that H would "see the light"....but it does not look promising....so right now I can tell you the worst part for me is looking at a 1\3 of my life (literally) crumbling before my eyes....going forward I know the worst will be always wondering about him. I am close with his family (more so than he is)....this is another quandry. Thinking my H will snap out of his "fog" seems like a pipe dream now. 

I know I CAN move on....meaning I am capable, as I am sure that you are CW. It's a point of I don't think any of us know where to begin or how to rebuild our lives....especially in those cases where there isn't abuse, cheating, addictions etc....where if even given 1/2 a chance a happy marriage could have bee foraged. 

My heart goes out to you CW!


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## france (Nov 19, 2011)

I can relate to as a man going through the same thing , i have no advise..... i think i need it! good luck


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Completely agree with what has been said so far. It all hurts and the trigger will be the hope you hold on for reconciliation. I was in the same place with my wife 5 months go and got the same speech. We were in limbo for about 2 months then decided divorce was the best option. Once the limbo ended, the pain faded away and allowed me to move to detachment and moving on.


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## CuriousWife (Nov 16, 2011)

I am still hoping that we can get back together again - maybe i am being stupid here but I have to have that hope right now. I am finding it hard just getting through each day. I just want to curl up in a ball and want all this hurt and pain to go away. I want someone to take it away. 

I don't know what to do or where to turn. How could i have been so stupid and blind that i didn't see this coming. How could i have got it so wrong. It must be my fault that this has happened. If i had done things differently then he wouldn't have been unhappy in the marriage.

How do i make it on my own I don't know. We had 20 years together and I'm 45 now. I have to find a job and start over again - I don't even know where to start or what to do. If I am such a failure at my marriage then what chance do i have in a job! 

I feel lonely and isolated and I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where to turn for help or even what help to ask for - i am just lost in all this pain and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

CuriousWife said:


> I am still hoping that we can get back together again - maybe i am being stupid here but I have to have that hope right now. I am finding it hard just getting through each day. I just want to curl up in a ball and want all this hurt and pain to go away. I want someone to take it away.
> 
> I don't know what to do or where to turn. How could i have been so stupid and blind that i didn't see this coming. How could i have got it so wrong. It must be my fault that this has happened. If i had done things differently then he wouldn't have been unhappy in the marriage.
> 
> ...


First of all, please know that this is all normal. These are the emotions the left behind spouse feels. The problem is, whether you did anything wrong or right, that's not the issue. The issue is that sometimes spouses decide not to communicate and then they just call it quits. Not sure what the details of your situation are, but there could be someone else clouding his judgement. Your best course of action is to think about the best and worst case scenario. Then make yourself fine with the worst case. Let go, detach, see the situation for what it is. I never thought I'd be okay, let alone happy. And low and behold, I am. I held onto my marriage and husband with a death grip, and it did nothing but quicken the death of my marriage. Focus on you, and tell yourself you'll be just fine. Because you will. You have lots of life to live still. With or without him. Hugs!


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