# Can responsible separation work?



## Lavendergirl (Mar 31, 2017)

I guess I'm looking for success stories, a glimpse of hope. 

I have been with my husband for 15 years (middle school sweethearts) lived together for 7 years and have been married for 2. He has decided that he wants a trial separation. He threw out the whole line, "I love you, you're my best friend, I just don't know if I am in love with you" . We tried living together and working through it but he got depressed and eventually said that he really needs space to figure it all out. I am very understanding. I'm sad, of course but he is an adult and when he says he needs space, I understand and respect that. He said that we are still very much married, the point is to try and make this work. He said we are dating each other. The same rules that we had when we lived together still apply when he moves out. He says we will talk, see each other, do things together, he's still inviting me to work functions, he'll still wear his ring. We have good communication. I love him with all of my heart and I have for a long time. 
Side note: I have suffered with low self esteem, anxiety, jealousy issues for a while and they started to run him down, he said he started to lose respect for me because I couldn't see my self worth anymore. I've been actively working on my own issues.

*I am confident that he has not cheated, emotionally or physically.

Just wanting to know if anyone has had success in separations. Any kind of insight would be nice actually. Thanks.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've known a few people where separation worked to restore their marriage to a better place. Once one of the spouses though starts ''dating'' others while separated, those cases typically don't work out. As long as you both stay focused on the purpose of separation, which is to see if you want to stay married, and work on the things you need to, then it might make your marriage a stronger one. It's good that you see what you need to work on, wishing you the best for your marriage.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

At one point my wife said the same thing to me, and I did leave for about 2 weeks and kept our communication only to thing regarding our son or emergencies. As much as I didn't think me leaving for a little while would help anything, I did understand that she just wanted some time to herself. The rules were basically minimal interaction between us unless necessary, I would still be at all of our sons sports and school functions and I would Skype with him every night or whenever he wanted, other than that there would be no contact. I know 2 weeks isn't really a long time but it was her idea because I had family that was away for that time so I could stay at their house.

When I came back, yes things seemed to be a little better between us but there was still tension. It was a different tension though, it was more like "ok we're back together, now what?" That tension did subside over time and she had brought up about me possibly leaving again. I told her I didn't feel that was a good idea, one because I felt it was going to confuse our young son and possibly hurt him, and two, I felt that if we were not seeing each other on a daily basis and interacting, how could we really work on our problems effectively if we're not with each other.

Personally I feel it's better to try and do a "separation" while still living together, sleeping in separate rooms, doing things individually, and limiting interaction with each other. As Deidre had kind of mentioned, if one person does end up meeting someone else during the separation, the chances of working on your relationship are all but gone. Even having rules about not "dating" during the separation, things still happen sometimes.


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## Lavendergirl (Mar 31, 2017)

Thanks for your insight. You're totally right about the no dating thing. I understand that things happen but I have thought that for years and it ate me up. I am working on being trusting right now, even when I'm feeling pretty low. I have my eyes wide open but I'm trying not to let it consume me. If he hurts me then I have my answer. 

We live in a studio apartment, we literally need more space haha we tried to give each other space in the house but it was difficult, so he has moved 10 mins down the road instead. Again, thank you. I appreciate the feedback!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lavendergirl said:


> I guess I'm looking for success stories, a glimpse of hope.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 15 years (middle school sweethearts) lived together for 7 years and have been married for 2. He has decided that he wants a trial separation. He threw out the whole line, "I love you, you're my best friend, I just don't know if I am in love with you" . We tried living together and working through it but he got depressed and eventually said that he really needs space to figure it all out. I am very understanding. I'm sad, of course but he is an adult and when he says he needs space, I understand and respect that. He said that we are still very much married, the point is to try and make this work. He said we are dating each other. The same rules that we had when we lived together still apply when he moves out. He says we will talk, see each other, so things together, he's still inviting me to work functions, outtings. We have good communication. I love him with all of my heart and I have for a long time.
> Side note: I have suffered with low self esteem, anxiety, jealousy issues for a while and they started to run him down, he said he started to lose respect for me because I couldn't see my self worth anymore. I've been actively working on my own issues.
> ...


*In theory, I believe that it can be successful!

However from a practical point of view, unless you have two strong-minded people who at least have a high, most ethical viewpoint against being involved in infidelity or cheating, it just ain't going to happen!

Regarding yours truly, whenever I was asked for a trial separation by my RSXW, I honestly thought that it was because she was having a "meltdown" because of her "fin-stats" going south; six months into the TS, I sadly found out that the only "meltdown" that had been habitually occurring was from her pelvic region onto some of her BF's from her distant past, both with me out of the house, but also even with me in the house during the last year and a half of what I honestly believed to be a loving marriage!

And what was as equally appalling was that I later found out that she had done her first hubby the very same way!

So when the subject of separation and/or trial separation ever comes up, please don't take the fidelity factor to be a "given!" After all, it's a well-known fact that "when the cat's away, the rats will play!"*


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Maybe he is just overwhelmed with life in general and wants some time to think about everything or he feels you take each other for granted and just wants to build back the spark and some sexual tension again.

My marriage has failed and we made mistake of getting trapped in a routine that did not involve quality time 'dating' each other.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Separation is one of the worst things you can do to try to save a marriage. 



Lavendergirl said:


> *I am confident that he has not cheated, emotionally or physically.


Please tell me how you have arrived at this conclusion.


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## Lavendergirl (Mar 31, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Separation is one of the worst things you can do to try to save a marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> Please tell me how you have arrived at this conclusion.


I asked him if he's cheated. He said absolutely not. I checked his phone records, personal social media accounts. I have passwords to everything. Given all of this information I am choosing to trust him from here forward because I think being untrustworthy will cause a lot of stress on myself and won't be conductive to fixing what we have. So am I positive that he hasn't? No, no one can be positive but am I confident? Yes.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that it's great that the OP wants to save the marriage, loves her husband with all her heart and is willing to go ahead with the separation but it just seems to me this is too motivated by her H. He wanted the separation, set up all the parameters and set all the ground rules. Where are the OP's feelings and needs taken into consideration? It seems that he's set himself up to be able to see others on the side if he wants and not be discovered. I'm not sure about the way this is set up, whether it's built for bringing the two back together.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Suffered from low self esteem, anxiety.... is this code for crappy sex life?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He laid it all on you.

YOU need to change for him. He is OK, in HIS mind. 

Is he.....OK?

If YOU truly believe that you are the one with the "most" problems and that those problems are destructive to your relationship then the onus, is indeed, on you. Can you change? Do you want to? Is he worth it? 

His opinion may be overstated/exaggerated. It also may be a problem that both of you are "not" compatible in key areas. Compatibility is not [necessarily] either party's fault. Maybe you can both compromise and meet in the middle on things that both of you like to do. 

Regardless, it sounds like he is done with you unless you make the changes that he wants. Make sure he spells out those changes that he wants. Are they reasonable?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Often, when a person wants a separation, it's because they want to see someone else. This is especially true when they say things like your husband has to you. So be careful of that.

It's harder to fix a marriage if the two of you are not living together. Living apart does not make the love grow either. The vast majority of couples who try a separation end up divorced. It's a mid step to divorce.

If he truly wants to work on the marriage, try a structured separation with a counselor involved. You can see what a structured separation looks like at this link. There are more sites out there that talk about this.

The Separation Agreement - Separation AdviceSeparation Advice

There are also two books that I think would help the two of you work through your issues and get back 'that loving feeling".

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"


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## Lavendergirl (Mar 31, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Suffered from low self esteem, anxiety.... is this code for crappy sex life?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Nah, our sex like is fantastic! We have no problems there.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Is he attracted to you? Seems like he's checking out the grass on the other side. If he doesn't already have his eyes on someone else, he will soon. 

If you separate, chances are you two will go down your own paths. That's not always a bad thing. A lot of marriages deserve to die. Does yours?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

@Lavendergirl You may find some useful information/understanding on this thread by @DayOne I may be wrong,but I think that there are similarities. It's from a male perspective where the wife decided to leave.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/221290-day-one.html


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Separation will always be the catalyst for change.

It is a drastic move. And it will start the clock on an outcome.

Some of the outcomes:
a. One person will enjoy the new freedom [lessened life-pressures] and move on to new activities and then a new partner. This will not happen suddenly, unless that was the original intent of the separation.
b. One person will see the light and make whatever changes that are needed to get the relationship back in shape. Are the "changes" made going to be permanent...unlikely.
c. Both party's will lose interest in their marriage. And the separation slides into divorce.
d. People who are co-dependent will find the separation tortuous. It is these people who will strive to get "someone" in their life. Either the marriage partner, or someone new.
e. Absence does make the heart fonder. But if the love sought is not reciprocated by the other partner....or a feeling of "hope" is not felt by one or the other partner, than that lonely and desirous heart will look for love.....elsewhere. And love predators will take advantage of a love-starved spouse. 

Your husband? By living separate he will notice other women a lot more. He will be free to eyeball them. And he will be free to engage them in a "more friendly" manner. 

He says he will continue to wear his ring. That is good. That shows promise.

It shows promise if he does wear his ring. How will you know if he follows through with his promise? The longer you are separated the smaller his ring finger gets from lack of nookie. Soon the finger will wither to a point where the ring "just falls off". Geeze, how did this happen!

Time is your enemy on this separation.

Maybe he is telling you this because he wants you to wear yours. He wants you to remain loyal.....while he dithers. He may tell himself that he will continue to wear his ring, until he doesn't.......when he sees a women that he wants to get to know, wants to get close to, wants to lay on top of.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I love you but I'm not in love with you????
Yeah, you've got a problem.
A "trial separation" is just a way to do two things: 
Learn to live without you and see how they like you being GONE, and to see other people with less scrutiny.

No, this trial separation is not going to go well. He's testing the waters. 
He is not going to magically decide he's in love with you again.
When a spouse leaves after giving the other the ILYBINILWY speech, there's a reason---- and it's NOT to get back together.

Quite simply, you'd be better off telling him if he doesn't return home, then you are filing for divorce. After all, that's clearly what he wants.

He is not the only man in the world. He's just the only man in your world. You can find another man that loves you. 
That's what I suggest.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

To me (for me), to be asked for separation is just another way to place or agree that the relationship into or is Plan B.

I will either give my all into a relationship, or I will let it go if I am not wanted to be with because that part is not in my control.

I agree that if ILYBINILWY is shared and the couple remains together, then growing together can happen but change is not for the impatient. If ILYBINILWY is shared and the one who says it leaves, @Evinrude58 is right... there is a reason and you have now effectively become Plan B.

Love yourself enough to never be Plan B...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Separation usually means either I have a girlfriend and want to see her more without having to lie and hide, or that I want to date others but keep you as my safety net. I do not think he wants to live apart so he can watch TV, buy a few cats and live all alone. I know 6 people who separated, including my sister and sister-in-law. All got divorced. Separation is easy to ask for than divorce. It gives the other spouse some hope so there is no big fight like there is if he were just to ask for a divorce. He is letting you down easy. Once the love is gone and someone does not want to be with you, it is almost impossible to get your brain chemistry to produce the chemicals needed to make you love someone again. One of the major effects of love is wanting to be with your lover all the time. Just thinking of your lover will release feel good chemicals. Love will blind you to your lover's faults. Once love is gone, so are all the side effects I just listed.

Can you look at someone you know but do not love and will yourself to love them? No, but that is what you are hoping that your husband will do. I hate being a sour puss with all these posts about not loving and separation, but 50% of marriages end in divorce and MC and separation are usually an easier route to divorce than to just to ask for the divorce upfront. This reminds me of the joke about the cat. Not funny per say but true about all of us:

A man on vacation calls his brother to inquire about his cat. His brother tells him that the cat is dead. The man is shocked and tells his brother that he could have let him down easy. Said you could have told him that the cat was on the fire escape the first time he called. Then the next time you could have said that the cat jumped to catch a pigeon and fell. The third call you could have said that the cat was in an animal hospital and being treated and there is a good chance he would live. Then on the next call, tell me that the cat did not make it and died peacefully. The brother agreed that he handled it wrong.

The man then asked about their mother and his brother replied; mom went on the fire escape......... That is a good example of how we put off telling the truth and let a person down a little at a time.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lavendergirl said:


> I asked him if he's cheated. He said absolutely not.



Do you know how many times we have read that exact statement here, to later find out the spouse was cheating? Unfortunately way too many times. 

But he might be telling you the truth. He might not have cheated, yet. He might though be interested in another person and this separation will allow him to test the waters. 

The separation makes it a lot easier for him to rationalize cheating. A lot. It would be "just coffee, not a date", then "just lunch, not a date". 

Don't underestimate this possibility.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Separation is one of the worst things you can do to try to save a marriage.












:grin2:


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

_"There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule."

-Charles Osgood_

>



DayOne said:


> :grin2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's probably cheating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lavendergirl said:


> I asked him if he's cheated. He said absolutely not. I checked his phone records, personal social media accounts. I have passwords to everything. Given all of this information I am choosing to trust him from here forward because I think being untrustworthy will cause a lot of stress on myself and won't be conductive to fixing what we have. So am I positive that he hasn't? No, no one can be positive but am I confident? Yes.


Sadly whenever I have heard that speech said before, 'I love you but am not in love with you', Its always been because of an affair. Initially the cheated on spouse always denies there can be an affair, but eventually it comes to light.
Its because they compare the exciting lust of a new relationship with the more normal down to earth love of a committed marriage. 
Cheaters always lie sadly. 

Its possible but not probable that he hasn't got anyone else. You could put a tracker in his car. 
Separations rarely work. Its usually because the one who suggests it wants out and cant bring themselves to say so.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He's not only cheating on you or planning on doing so, he's got you convinced that all of this is YOUR fault!! Wow.

I have NEVER been able to figure out how being separated is supposed to 'fix' a marriage. By definition, a marriage is two people who want to be TOGETHER. Living apart isn't being TOGETHER, and not only that but it makes it impossible to actually WORK on the issues that have led to this point.

I would never put up with this drivel from my husband. If he said he wanted this I'd say SEE YA!! And file for D. It's a big load of hooey.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Lavendergirl said:


> I guess I'm looking for success stories, a glimpse of hope.
> 
> I have been with my husband for 15 years (middle school sweethearts) lived together for 7 years and have been married for 2. He has decided that he wants a trial separation. He threw out the whole line, "I love you, you're my best friend, I just don't know if I am in love with you" . We tried living together and working through it but he got depressed and eventually said that he really needs space to figure it all out. I am very understanding. I'm sad, of course but he is an adult and when he says he needs space, I understand and respect that. He said that we are still very much married, the point is to try and make this work. He said we are dating each other. The same rules that we had when we lived together still apply when he moves out. He says we will talk, see each other, do things together, he's still inviting me to work functions, he'll still wear his ring. We have good communication. I love him with all of my heart and I have for a long time.
> Side note: I have suffered with low self esteem, anxiety, jealousy issues for a while and they started to run him down, he said he started to lose respect for me because I couldn't see my self worth anymore. I've been actively working on my own issues.
> ...


Saw @TBT 'outed me' and read your post.

All I can suggest to you is to work on you. Put your relationship aside, at least for now, and focus on Lavendergirl. You say you're "working on your issues". How exactly? If you can, get into counselling. Shop around, find a counsellor that you click with. And be brave enough to face those demons. M'Lady was (is) in the same boat as you, because she'd never truly dealt with her past. Finding the right counsellor, and facing that past has helped her immensely. 

We separated, for a year. And going against the naysayers here, it was the best thing that happened to us. Saved our marriage. If we had continued to stay in the rut we were in, we wouldn't be together now. 

Having said that, I think we are about the only couple i've read about here in TAM that have gone as far as separation and made it back. It did help that neither of us were looking for pastures greener, but that we just both needed to sort our expletive out. Individually. 

Marriage counselling (MC) hadn't worked previously, but individual counselling (IC) was what we needed. And we both went through it. 

But, during that time we agreed to stay apart. And that's perhaps what you need to do. Neither of you seem to hold lavendergirl in much regard. And that's a big problem. Ideally he should be strong enough to support you, help you grow. But seems to have instead grown 'angry' that, in his mind, you're not what he mentally expected. 

BUT, that's HIS problem. Not your's. 

You need to find your own strength. From within. At the end of the day, that's the only place your strength can be found. Go find you. And if he happens to NOT be on that road, so be it. 

And listen to Katy Perry's 'Roar'. 

I mean really LISTEN to it. HEAR it. 

Good luck, LavenderTiger.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Glad to see your input here @DayOne and sorry if I somewhat put you on the spot. It's just that your thread is so very different and one very much needed here at TAM in my opinion. This forum is to talk about marriage,but too often I find the default is 'let's assume infidelity' and often that drives away those like yourself who just want to find and understand the truth. Thanks for sticking around.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My husband and his first wife had a one year separation and then got back together. It didn't help and not long after that she met another man and divorced him. He was trying so hard to make it work, but she wasn't.
It does depend on why he wants that separation, but I don't think it helps to be honest.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

It's fine, @TBT. Just hope the OP is still around to read it.


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