# trust... fantasy or reality?



## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

Keeping this short. Is it possible to trust again after a EA? My choice is simple to blindly trust him and choose to believe he is not screwing me over again, or to kick his a** to the curb. 

Background info... My H had an EA about 3 years ago. He is the type who needs hard evidence to admit to any wrong doing. So the only evidence I had was his phone records that indicated he had been speaking with a women for 30 - 40 minutes at a time numerous times a day. Also many many text messages. He denied an PA - since I could not get a DNA swab of the women I cannot prove this. (joking, kind of) I should of put the screws to him 3 years ago... but I was insecure and just had our 3rd baby. I was afraid to be alone. I chose to believe his unbelievable story.

Now he is acting shady again. We are having sexual problems and frankly he has been ignoring my pleas to work on our marriage for the last year. I am suspicious. I feel like I am chasing ghosts, because again he will admit to exactly zero unless I come up with evidence. I really do not want to be in a relationship where I am forced to invade his privacy in order to be sure he is not fooling around.

Thanks for listening and any feedback.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You aren't failing to trust because of the EA. You are failing to trust because he's acting shady again and he's not investing in the relationship. The two things are related (lessons learned and all that) but they're not the same. If he hadn't had an EA before, you'd still wonder what's up with his commitment to the relationship now.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

"Trust, but verify" - Ronald Reagan

All Ronnie had to deal with was the evil empire. What you're dealing with is much worse.

- Start a journal. DOCUMENT everything that looks funny. Leave a paper trail. I wish I had.
- SPY. Check his email, phone records, install a keylogger (evidently it's pretty easy).
- Pay close attention. Surprise him at his computer, on his phone. See his reaction.
- Have him followed. Have a buddy ready to check his story if he is going out and it doesn't sound right. Or at least get a babysitter and do it yourself. Business trip? Call his office: "hubby forgot his notebook, how can i reach him?"

Verify and document. Sorry, but you'll never feel comfortable unless you do. I wish I'd taken HALF of that advice for myself. I may even have found out my wife's activities were innocent after-all. (AS-IF).


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

It is so frustrating. I am not the one who lied to him. Why am I doing all the work. I just don't want to live a life of denial anymore. If he wants to fool around then do us both a favor and get out. 

OK with that being said what is a keylogger and how do I install one??


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm not sure. I believe it is a program as opposed to a physical piece of hardware, like I thought at first. It will give you record of everything that is typed on your keyboard. Go to chatcheaters.com. It's more of a forum for infidelity than general marital categories. A bunch of paranoids over there. There's a whole section on this type of spying...uhm, verification.

Good luck.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

They make both hardware and software loggers. They can be as simple as plugging in a USB key and installing the software that runs and getting keystrokes or as elaborate as capturing screens of chats and web pages and searches as well as userids and passwords.


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## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

I went on chatcheaters.com and all I can say is wow. If I wasn't paranoid before... I am frantic now. Didn't learn much about keyloggers tho. To others, save your sanity and do not go on that site. I mean really is everyone cheating? uggh! I need to take a shower, yuck!


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

If he finds out you've installed a keylogger or had him followed and he ISN'T actually doing anything, then you've opened up something that can't be put back in the box.

I think the keylogger should be a last resort, but not all would agree.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Good point, KS. But there are my less intrusive forms of documenting/spying. Try them first.


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

I've done a LOT of journaling in the last 6 months. It helps get feelings off my chest that - quite frankly - I don't like talking about with anyone. AND it helps me identify odd patterns of behavior.

I've also used it to look back at dates and times that have later come into question. Comparing those "odd times" with cell phone records has been very valuable in helping me figure out what is really going on.

I don't like to call it "spying", but definitely keep your eyes open for any odd behavior.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

I think one of the worst aspects of a husband or wife's "shady behavior" is that it can turn an otherwise "sane" person into someone who's paranoid and questions everything. it can make you act in a way you don't like, but it can be so hard to stop.

A good friend of mine pointed out that while "snooping" ( verifying) may help give you peace of mind, are you really prepared to live with the consequences of what you find out? No one can answer this but yourself.
( I do understand where you are coming from- I have been ( and currently am) there myself. I'm so sorry you are going through a time like this- it really blows, doesn't it?)


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

It doesn't sound like this issue was properly dealt with 3 years ago, and if your husband hasn't been making the effort to work on your marriage for the last year then no wonder you don't trust him. If he isn't prepared to put in any effort, then you are constantly going to be fighting a losing battle, I'm afraid. I think you need to have a sit down 'crisis' talk - because at the moment it sounds like neither of you are happy.


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