# What is the best response to this scenario?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Quick question...

Wife says to husband about "snuggling up tonight" before he leaves for work. Wife actually means a snuggle, and was not indirectly making a desire for sex known, although it would not be turned down if H expressed such a wish.

H interprets this as her saying she wants sex later, and sighs and says "but you've had it the last few nights."

Wife explains she meant cuddling up but notes he seems to express the thought of more sex as a chore.

What should wife do/how should she act/what should she say in response?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Send him to the doctor to get his testosterone level checked, that is not normal.
If I heard the wife wants to cuddle, I would hear that she also wanted to have sex, but that is because that is what I want her to want.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

A bunch of things would run through my head.First I'd be feeling hurt and rejected.Second I'd wonder if there was something I had done wrong to make him respond that way.Third I would think he was tired,feeling blah,or depressed.

Then I'd ask him about his response in a way that doesn't automatically cause a confrontation or put him on the defensive.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WW,

This is tough. My wife always has said she is afraid to touch me (ie, put her hand on the inside of my leg) while we are sitting on the couch watching TV because she said I interprept that as she wants sex. Funny though because when our sex life is more "frequent" we average about once a week. 

This is definitely more of a communication issue. If you guys ever figure out how to communicate these issues more effectively, please let me know so I can tell my wife!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Send him to the doctor to get his testosterone level checked, that is not normal.
> If I heard the wife wants to cuddle, I would hear that she also wanted to have sex, but that is because that is what I want her to want.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Quick question...
> 
> Wife says to husband about "snuggling up tonight" before he leaves for work. Wife actually means a snuggle, and was not indirectly making a desire for sex known, although it would not be turned down if H expressed such a wish.
> 
> ...


Couple of thoughts:

1. Does he consider sex a chore? If so, why?

2. Are you two open to using more direct langauge to avoid miscommunication. That is, just saying you want to have sex (or some phrase that you both agree means sex) rather than implying it by saying you want to snuggle.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Why does everybody jump to the most negative possible interpretations?

If a couple has had sex for the last few nights--which I assume is at least three days in a row--maybe the guy just knows that he's not going to be "up" for a fourth night in a row. He could just be expressing that, although perhaps not in the most politic way.

What to say? I dunno, maybe "I really mean just snuggle while our batteries are recharging from the fun of the last few nights."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Quick question...
> 
> Wife says to husband about "snuggling up tonight" before he leaves for work. Wife actually means a snuggle, and was not indirectly making a desire for sex known, although it would not be turned down if H expressed such a wish.
> 
> ...


Wife should insist on cuddling tonight, and reject sex if it's offered with "I just want to cuddle tonight".

I've been rejected A LOT. I don't give that advice lightly. Just so you know.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Im not sure its possible to snuggle without wanting sex, I dont believe it is......


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It may not be possible to snuggle without WANTING sex. But it's certainly possible to snuggle without HAVING sex.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Why does everybody jump to the most negative possible interpretations?
> 
> If a couple has had sex for the last few nights--which I assume is at least three days in a row--maybe the guy just knows that he's not going to be "up" for a fourth night in a row. He could just be expressing that, although perhaps not in the most politic way.
> 
> What to say? I dunno, maybe "I really mean just snuggle while our batteries are recharging from the fun of the last few nights."


Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Whenever I see these type of threads, I just know the first several posts are going to involve the guy needeing to get his testosterone checked, he's an ass, he should just do it, he's a lucky bastard, etc.

If this were a man wanting to spoon with a woman and her taking it as wanting sex for the third night in a row, most posters would tell him he's lucky that he got it two or three straight nights and to back off.

But a man that doesn't want sex every day is low on testosterone?

It's ok to say no, we all preach this around here, so when a guy says no on day three (or more) of sex, it's allowed. He's just as allowed to say no as she is. 

WW, I assume, based on your post, that your husband has come to believe that to you 'cudddling' is heavily linked to sex, considering he immediately jumped to that conclusion and his refusal you believe you when you said you only wanted to cuddle and nothing else. If that is correct, maybe start trying to set a pattern of cuddling not equating to sex or sexual advances as often.

Additionally, maybe you should express your feelings to him about how you felt when he refused 'cuddle time' with you. Tell him that there are times when you only want to cuddle and that sometimes if he is willing to cuddle but doesn't want sex, that's ok too.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think anyone would assume you were referring to sex when you say let's snuggle later.

And it's true that he felt more sex was a chore. That's reality.

More background would be helpful.

I for one would have sex every night if my wife was into it. But I know that's too much for her so we have reached a compromise that works well for us. Have you?


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

To the OP, what I'd say is - welcome to what it's like for the majority of men in marriages. I know there are many hurting women here, and I truly feel sorry for you too, but statistically you are in the minority.

The only difference is that if you switch the genders in that exchange, instead of it being factually correct that it was the last few nights, it was almost a week ago and the time before was three weeks ago, but according to her "we just did it". 

Imagine what that feels like.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

NeverAgain12 said:


> To the OP, what I'd say is - welcome to what it's like for the majority of men in marriages. I know there are many hurting women here, and I truly feel sorry for you too, but statistically you are in the minority.
> 
> The only difference is that if you switch the genders in that exchange, instead of it being factually correct that it was the last few nights, it was almost a week ago and the time before was three weeks ago, but according to her "we just did it".
> 
> Imagine what that feels like.


How does this apply to the question OP is asking? Throwing it in her face that she should basically be grateful she isn't a guy and is in the minority is the least helpful thing you can possibly say. 

Ok so since she's a woman and this happens to men all the time she should just suck it up and accept it?? no.that's NOT the answer.And I'd say the exact same thing if she was a man coming here with this post.

The answer is talking about it with him and figure out why he answered you like that,OP. Like I said above,maybe he's tired or feeling blah.Or it's possibly you've done or said something to upset him or make him feel not in the mood for sex.Either way,it's best to address it directly in a non confrontational way.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Kingsfan, I mostly agree with you, but the reason I brought up low T was due to the chore comment. No man with normal levels would view sex as a chore...at least none I know.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> How does this apply to the question OP is asking? Throwing it in her face that she should basically be grateful she isn't a guy and is in the minority is the least helpful thing you can possibly say.
> 
> Ok so since she's a woman and this happens to men all the time she should just suck it up and accept it?? no.that's NOT the answer.And I'd say the exact same thing if she was a man coming here with this post.


Yes, you're right it's not helpful at all, I'm just a bitter SOB with little empathy for those who have sex multiple days in a row and then feel slighted when they feel they're getting turned down.

Sorry for my callousness but give me a break! Is there not a double standard here? If a guy comes on here and says he had sex three days in a row and didn't like her response on day four, he'd be labeled a glutton. He'd get hammered!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

NeverAgain12 said:


> Yes, you're right it's not helpful at all, I'm just a bitter SOB with little empathy for those who have sex multiple days in a row and then feel slighted when they feel they're getting turned down.
> 
> Sorry for my callousness but give me a break! Is there not a double standard here? If a guy comes on here and says he had sex three days in a row and didn't like her response on day four, he'd be labeled a glutton. He'd get hammered!


Of course there's a double standard and IT SUCKS! I wish it wasn't this way


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Of course there's a double standard and IT SUCKS! I wish it wasn't this way


Thank you! Just acknowledging this made my day.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Send him to the doctor to get his testosterone level checked, that is not normal.
> If I heard the wife wants to cuddle, I would hear that she also wanted to have sex, but that is because that is what I want her to want.


:iagree:

Most guys hear (or want to hear) "I want sex" when their wives say "I want to cuddle". It's a less sl**ty way of making the request.

Of course ...most guys hear (or want to hear) "I want sex" from a woman when she says other things, like "You look good today", "I feel rested tonight" and even "The Dow is up fifty points" :rofl:


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Kingsfan, I mostly agree with you, but the reason I brought up low T was due to the chore comment. No man with normal levels would view sex as a chore...at least none I know.


Well now you know one.

If I was the OP husband, depending on how long the daily sex was going on, I would view it as a chore.

I am not a low T guy by any stretch. I'm the HD person in the relationship and I'd love to have sex 4-5 times a week. But I also know for me now, I'm quite content missing a day here or there and if sex was being asked for say four days in a row, on day four I'd be passing most likely. I think I may even pass on day three.

I may not show my wife that I view it as a chore, but at the same time, if my wife expressed or felt resentment or felt rejected because I said no, something the OP implied she felt, then yes, it would begin to feel like a chore. Like I have to do it or else there will be some form of a consequence (and resentment and/or anger is a consequence).


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kingsfan that last post actually really got me thinking. I am slightly more HD and in the past H has consistently rejected me for a long period of time and we have only had sex when he wanted it.

We seem to have worked out fundamentally that he was basically bored. For whatever reason he chose not to share this for months even when I directly asked, which resulted in a huge hit to my esteem and sexual confidence. I am still trying to fight my demons. I was convinced he just did not find me attractive anymore and despite him saying he does, it is very deeply ingrained and very hard to get away from. When he takes a raincheck now or a situation like I mentioned in my first post comes up, I am now wired to think bu default that he just does not find me attractive in some way.

I guess I posted to see if I could get some help to think "normally", like OK he just does not feel like it tonight, because he wants a day off, or he is tired or whatever, and not assume it is because of me. 

Or also to figure out why he may see it as a chore. I feel a little more comfortable initiating nowadays but I have my suspicions the direct approach, although he tells me to do it, isn't what really does it for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

If sex is a chore I want to do my duty! Double duty!

Antics aside, get him checked. How old is he? 

And not to put unnecessary bees in your bonnet, but are you certain that he is faithful to you?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

If my wife wants to cuddle she says lets cuddle.

If she wants sex she says lets have sex.

It's soooo much easier than this.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

east2west said:


> If my wife wants to cuddle she says lets cuddle.
> 
> If she wants sex she says lets have sex.
> 
> It's soooo much easier than this.


It's easier when you get a yes all of the time.

When you say you want sex and get shot down on a regular basis it's not nearly soooo easy to throw yourself out there the next time.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> It's easier when you get a yes all of the time.
> 
> When you say you want sex and get shot down on a regular basis it's not nearly soooo easy to throw yourself out there the next time.


So true.

But to be clear (if it was not) I *was* actually asking for a snuggle. I was not using code and indirectly asking for sex. He had been able to come back home during his work day but had to go back to work and I was hugging him and said "let's snuggle later" cause we couldn't carry on then. I wasn't even asking for sex and here I am thinking "why doesn't he want sex?!" 

Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> So true.
> 
> But to be clear (if it was not) I *was* actually asking for a snuggle. I was not using code and indirectly asking for sex. He had been able to come back home during his work day but had to go back to work and I was hugging him and said "let's snuggle later" cause we couldn't carry on then. I wasn't even asking for sex and here I am thinking "why doesn't he want sex?!"
> 
> ...


Alright. How about stopping all the over analysis and unclear communication and just say what you mean. Also, stop feeling hurt when your words are misundestood and act like an adult and correct the misinterpretations when they occur with out critcism or recrimination.

"Dear, I'm looking forward to snuggling up tonight"

"But, I just gave you mind blowing sex the last three nights!?"

"Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry. I really meant snuggling up tonight. You've been great the last couple of nights and I was thinking we would just enjoy a little closeness. Not to worry. I want you to recharge that battery for this weekend".

Or words to that effect. My notto is say what you mean, mean what you say and correct misinterpretations assuming the best of intents.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Alright. How about stopping all the over analysis and unclear communication and just say what you mean. Also, stop feeling hurt when your words are misundestood and act like an adult and correct the misinterpretations when they occur with out critcism or recrimination.
> 
> "Dear, I'm looking forward to snuggling up tonight"
> 
> ...


Maybe your motto should be to actually read the post first:



walkingwounded said:


> Quick question...
> 
> *Wife says to husband about "snuggling up tonight" before he leaves for work. Wife actually means a snuggle, and was not indirectly making a desire for sex known, although it would not be turned down if H expressed such a wish.
> 
> ...


She did exactly what you just gave her crap for not doing, she told him what she really did mean, there was no 'unclear communication'


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Maybe your motto should be to actually read the post first:
> 
> She did exactly what you just gave her crap for not doing, she told him what she really did mean, there was no 'unclear communication'


Maybe you didn't read to the end of my response. She is asking what to do/say/how to respond. See the bolded part of my responce:

"Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry. *I really meant snuggling up tonight. You've been great the last couple of nights and I was thinking we would just enjoy a little closeness. Not to worry. I want you to recharge that battery for this weekend".*


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

walking,
You know I try to follow your posts ")

When you are still trying to find the balance between one partner feeling like you are "asking for too much" and the other one trying to meet you in the middle, it's sometimes helpful to not even mention "let's snuggle later". 

You can think that, of course. But if you don't verbalize it, wait until he gets home, snuggle up to him and THEN say "I just want to snuggle for a bit".

It might have hit a nerve for him. Given the past history, so to say. 
All he heard was you "want something". 

I hope that makes sense to you?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

deejov said:


> walking,
> You know I try to follow your posts ")
> 
> When you are still trying to find the balance between one partner feeling like you are "asking for too much" and the other one trying to meet you in the middle, it's sometimes helpful to not even mention "let's snuggle later".
> ...


It does. A good thought in hindsight. Will think about that in future.

In my head my logical brain and emotional brains are still battling it out. My logical brain says not to feel hurt.Rationally we have been close the last three or so nights and him wanting a night off is fine. No reflection on how he feels about me.

My emotional brain says "rejection-uh oh-what's wrong with me?"

I think there are a couple of elements here. First is that since our talk where I found out he was bored, he has been really good with telling me I look good, nice, basically articulating the stuff ge *says*he thinks about me that is complimentary but never said of his own accord... And this has trailed off. It is his ususl pattern so I was half expecting it. 

Second is it has become really apparent that there is a gulf between us by way of non sexual affection. He rarely instigates it and if so it is usually in response to us having an argument then trails off after a week or two. He often appears irritated if I try to instigate something. I was hugging him earlier abd he wasn't really into it. It was only when I called him on it that he actually put some effort into it-and it really was *only* some effort. I think I may have without realizing gone strong on the sex side to compensate for the lack of affection.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Quick question...
> 
> Wife says to husband about "snuggling up tonight" before he leaves for work. Wife actually means a snuggle, and was not indirectly making a desire for sex known, although it would not be turned down if H expressed such a wish.
> 
> ...


I'd check to make sure he had a penis.
Aside from the one poster in this thread, it's women & not men who tend to liken sex to being a chore.
Even if you wanted to have sex, it doesn't have to mean full intercourse, there are lots of other ways to have sex. 
I do feel bad for anyone who views sex as a chore, sex feels too good to be seen as work.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Maybe you didn't read to the end of my response. She is asking what to do/say/how to respond. See the bolded part of my responce:
> 
> "Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry. *I really meant snuggling up tonight. You've been great the last couple of nights and I was thinking we would just enjoy a little closeness. Not to worry. I want you to recharge that battery for this weekend".*


No, I didn't miss anything. You said she shouldn't have any unclear communication. I said she didn't have any.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

IndyTM said:


> Kingsfan, I mostly agree with you, but the reason I brought up low T was due to the chore comment. No man with normal levels would view sex as a chore...at least none I know.


Wait a while. Those threads pop up here a lot more often than you'd think.

To WalkingWounded's original question:

Why would the wife in this TOTALLY hypothetical scenario (  ) would mention cuddling before they go to work? If that happened to me, I'd assume it was an invitation to a quickie when they got home.

Why mention cuddling at all? Just cuddle with him when he does get home. No need for permission or invitation at all. And if he does think it's an invitation, don't take it personally. Like others have mentioned. If all the wife wanted was to cuddle, and he isn't up for more (especially after a couple of days in a row), then they can both enjoy the moment.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Wait a while. Those threads pop up here a lot more often than you'd think.
> 
> To WalkingWounded's original question:
> 
> ...


I mentioned cuddling because he had come home during his work day for a bit then had to go back to work again. The littley was having cuddles with daddy and I did too  This was right before he had to leave to go back to work and I was saying it would be nice if he could stay so we could cuddle some more but obviously he couldn't so I said I would love some snuggles later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I mentioned cuddling because he had come home during his work day for a bit then had to go back to work again. The littley was having cuddles with daddy and I did too  This was right before he had to leave to go back to work and I was saying it would be nice if he could stay so we could cuddle some more but obviously he couldn't so I said I would love some snuggles later.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are still injured over EA and trying to hyper bond with husband and using sex as a confirmation of his love for you. In reading your posts, you aren't 'slightly' more high drive than him, you're different ends of spectrum. Read some of Random Dude's posts on how his over drive wife made him feel used and just like a penis to him. Work on your self-esteem with a counselor and start treating him and relationship as more than just sex. You seem to be setting yourself up for rejection so you have an excuse to feel so crappy. You have some fixing to do on you before you work on both of you. I think EA is still kicking your butt and you are a big part of his disconnect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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