# I want a healthy marriage



## stayc (Jan 18, 2008)

I am a happy person, but lately I have been feeling sad. I love being married, but for some reason my husband doesn't show me any affection. He is good to me and our 4 kids, but I feel like I am married to a distant friend. For the past couple of months our sex life has went down the drain. He told me that he has been having problems with getting excited and doesn't really know why. I didn't pressure him and in return I told him that it was alright and not to worry about it because I understand that it can be normal. That isn't why I'm writing....I am feeling sad because he doesn't seem to show me any affect at all. How hard is it to give your wife a little kiss on the head or something as simple as a hug. I have never tried to change who he is and I'm not a nagging wife. I take care of our wonderful kids, I sit back and let him get all the education that he wants, I stay home in a city that I have no other family while he goes to Iraq every 18 months, I sit home while he goes to football games, hockey games, ect with his friends... When my sister came to visit right before Christmas (I only see her about 3 to 4 times a year) we went out to dinner one night without the kids(for the first time ever). I wasn't gone an hour and he called me to ask me to come home because he made plans to go to a buddies house (who he see's everyday at work).. He seems to always call me home early no matter what I do. I have never given him reason to not trust me so that isn't why he calls me home. My kids listen to him so I know he can handle them by himself (especially when my 17 year old daughter is there to help him out). I'm not mean, I don't nag, I don't ask him to change who he is, but I do tell him that a hug, kiss or thumbs up every once in awhile would let me know that we are still connected. I was once married to another man for 11 years and after the first 2 I lost interest in him. We had nothing in common except our daughter (my 17 year old). I lived in a very non affectionate relationship with no sex for 9 years. We were very good friends and still are to this day, but this time around I want a husband. Has he lost interest in me? I love him, but does he really love me? Does he want a single life style? What did I do? He has a lot of single nice friends, this past week he's become a full time student, he's asked me to put my plans on hold until all our kids get into school and if I want to go back to school I can. I'm not fat, but would like to join the ymca because they are kid friendly an I can have a healthier life style, but he doesn't won't to spend the money. He saves money like he's single so spending $30 a month on me isn't really worth it to him. He plays raquet ball when ever he feels like it because he gets to on base so he's in shape and feels good about himself. He gets his hair cut 2 times a month and I feel guilty to get my cut. I tell him how I would love to fix myself up so I will feel good about myself, but he doesn't even seem to care and tells me that he's getting older too and not to worry about it. ??????????????? When I give him advice about something he doesn't listen to me, but if another female gives him the same advice he'll take it.... I am confused? Can anyone help me understand if this guy loves me or not? God knows how much I try....I have talked to him about how I feel and that sometimes I think about leaving, but he always tells me not to talk like that because we are suppose to work things out. How can I work things out when he's not showing me love. He doesn't like to waste money and saves money like crazy so I sometimes wonder if he's just keeping me in the picture so he don't have to pay me child support and he benefits because he can see the kids everyday......I really wonder if that's it... I love him with all my heart and being without him is a hard thought, but I need to feel love and without that feeling I am sad and lonely.. Thanks for reading!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I have read your post four times over the day trying to find a pin point to what it might be.

The fact he was a soldier and has served in Iraq was interesting and I thought maybe PTSS however the fact he still functions with his buddies eliminates that.

Then I thought maybe mild depression but racketball and going to the games again deminished that thought.

As I read the part with your sister I thought how selfish of him. But it really didn't say why he was selfish so on that I digress.

With the money it seems he was a squirreling it away for the future (post army) however it seems he has no problem with spending it on himself.

It seems all the way through he wants you to sacrofice for him. I wish I could say more but I think you have it on the head. Something is amiss.

I think you need to tell him that you have needs to including your future can not be put on hold for him, you want your schooling and ymca and when you want time with your sister he needs to respect it. If he can't cope with that then I'd say while you are young enough you need to find someone that will make you happy.

draconis


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## emate1209 (Jan 17, 2008)

Hi Stayc,

I must say that your situation is not healthy for both of you. I think I'll start with the conclusion. 

1. You will have to decide if you can live with this type of arrangement. No one should be in a relationship feeling sad and lonely.

2. There is obviously very little communication between the two of you. In other words he does not appear to be listening to your wants and needs which is crucial in any healthy relationship.

3. Your husband having complete control over the financial situation can be scary as there needs to be a check and balance on the financial spend in the household.


My suggestion to you is that you will need to think very hard about whether you really do love a man that is making you sad and miserable?

Please be firm on what you want and tell him exactly what you want. If he decides to ignore your requests and you continue to accept his behavior then unfortunately you will be living a sad and lonely life which will only manifest into depression and physical harm later.

I am not suggesting that you leave him or the situation. I am suggesting that you confront the issue head on and decide which way the relationship should be heading.

If the unfortunate choice is to separate then from an emotional perspective you will be moving sideways temporarily. In other words you will be sad and alone but you will realize over time that he is no longer the cause of you being sad and lonely.

The best scenario is to be very firm with him and respectfully request that you be treated like a wife and a partner in the relationship and not just a "room mate" at home.

Finally, please consider this quote from Albert Einstein . . .

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. " - Albert Einstein

Best of luck and let us know how you go.

Cheers


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