# Wife of Alcoholic dealing with guilt



## silkpalace

I left my husband after a zillion attempts to try to "fix" him. I love him, but I realize that I had become his mommy.....always putting his needs, his craziness, his everything FIRST. This is my second marriage and we are both 55 years old. I have been with him for 10 years. I thought I finally (after one failed marriage that produced two amazing sons), found my "soulmate". Well, I did......and I loved him like crazy....but the warning signs of alcoholism/anger were there.....and I ignored them. We had several wonderful years together, but his drinking progressed, and I barely recognize the man I fell in love with. I begged him to go to AA, rehab, everything. But, the bottom line is, he never really wanted to go. I know he's tried to stop, because he was sick and tired of being drunk, and he made some attempts......was sober for a few months, but then CRASHED.....because he had no "tools" to stay sober. He thought he could do it without AA. He has been verbally abusive, physically aggressive and has scared me several times with his raging. He was arrested for menacing someone in our building. I LEFT! Here's the BIG QUESTION? WHY, WHY, do I feel guilty? He tells me that I abandoned him. I go to Alanon regularly, am in therapy and reading Alanon literature daily....And, I know it's crazy, but sometimes I feel so guilty about leaving him. I guess I feel like I left a child....I enabled him for sooooo long, that it's true....his "mommy" left him. I have tried to detach with love. But, when he calls me and tells me that he can't live without me and that he wants to kill himself.....I don't want to go back.....but it just makes me feel like such crap......and the guilt eats away at me. When will I stop feeling guilty for trying to save myself!!!!!!!


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## Shooboomafoo

Guilt, likely because you love the guy. His inabilty to manage alcohol has prevented you from having a healthy relationship anymore, and I imagine there are all kinds of other emotions.

You had to leave, and should know that I very highly doubt you would find someone that would blame you for it. The burden is on him to get help, and youve probably saved him from worse outcomes by taking a stand.


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## eyuop

Did your first marriage fail because alcohol was in the equation?

You seem highly empathetic (I am, too -- tend to take on the feelings of other people very easily). Although empathy isn't something you can turn on or off (like a switch), you can sit down with a piece of paper and rationalize things out. You made the right choice not to simply continue to enable and put up with his issues. He was relying on you and making you take responsibility for things that he needed to take responsibility for by not doing them. 

This video really helped me when I was dealing with the whole idea of responsibility. He's a pastor named Andy Stanley that has a great message to communicate on this topic: North Point Community Church :: Messages

If you watch this series, it will really help you deal with the guilt you are facing because it will make you aware of his irresponsibility and how you were taking on more and more of it yourself.


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## silkpalace

Interesting, my first marriage failed not so much because of alcoholism, but once again I was an "enabler".....the more I did, the less he did. Thank you both for replying, your messages mean so much to me. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.


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## Mycah

I'm in a similar situation. My husbands drinking has progressed in the last 15 years. We've been married for 23. I'm exhausted from all the promises to change. It's good for a few weeks then we fall back to gutter. He's tried AA but in the end keeps thinking he can do it on his own.
I want to leave and have done so several times. He begs me to come back as he will change. Because I love him plus don't want to keep putting the kids thru turmoil I go back. Back on the roundabout.

I'm tired. I can't take any more. The future scares me. I'm 54, all that we've worked for will be lost as I know he'll fight me tooth and nail. I know financial security is not better then peace of mind. I also know I will lose my kids as they are fed up of all the lies and promises. It's a scary future.

Any advice on how to cope?


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## silkpalace

Dear Mycah,
As I am reading your post, I wish I could just be next door to you and not on the other side of the world, so I could give you a big hug!!!! It is so hard to love someone so much who is an addict. Everyday I wake up feeling so sad because I know that we can never recapture what we had unless he was in recovery for at least a year and took ownership of his behavior. My husband still to this day thinks the reason I am not with him is because of everyone else. My family has been so wonderful to him, but he thinks they all have "thrown him under the bus". He thinks I have forgotten about our "vows". Because you have children, I know you are in a more difficult situation. I guess you'll have to decide how much more you and your children can take. When my husband was arrested, it was my "rock bottom", but not his. He thinks the police came in and trashed our apartment.....I wasn't there that night, but I realize he could have killed me in his rage (by accident or not). He calls me all the time, telling me how lonely he is, how much he loves, me......and i know he does. But, it's NOT ENOUGH!!!!!! I am sad everyday, but at least I am not living with an irrational person who has three different personalities. I never knew which person I would be coming home to. Would I walk in to the loving person I married who made me a wonderful dinner and was affectionate and sweet? Would I walk in to the angry drunk who was pissed off at everyone and would yell so loud, the neighbors would hear? Or would I come home to the sloppy drunk who could barely stand up and would pee in his pants? I've been living like this for three years. Before this (we've been together for 12), he would just mortify me at parties, and get really angry maybe a few times a year. But, me, the GREAT ENABLER thought that was okay behavior!!!! I began to dread every event, party, holiday, celebration......you name it. If there was an "open bar" with unlimited drinks, I knew I would have a miserable time......because he always became an a***hole. So yes, I miss and still feel guilty sometimes, because I know that its his disease that created this monster. The man I fell in love with is a decent, loyal, creative, passionate wonderful person....and that's why I am crying write now as I write this. But, I know I can't save him, I can't fix him, and I am not helping him by continuing to go back to him. I actually need to stop writing because I am on my way to an AlAnon meeting. I've been going since last August, and it's been my lifeline. So that's my advice if you haven't gone already.....go to AlAnon....it's the best first step in healing!
Much love!!!!!


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## Mycah

Dearest silkpalace.

You must be my soul sister. That's exactly how I feel. I miss the person I married. When he tries his sober periods that's the person I love. .BUT even those sober periods are scary. I don't know what I'm coming home to either. Even in sober periods there's this cranky person who blames the whole world for breathing. 

I'm never good enough. The kids can never behave well enough or are grateful for him being their father. The whole world is against him.

He gets so drunk that he can barely make it to the bathroom, leaves food all over the place.

Of course as you will now its always my fault because he didn't get sex last night, or I didn't greet him properly or I caused the traffic to bank up so it took him so long to get home. I'm not grateful that he still manages to hold his job and pays the mortgage. I pay all the other bills but that's not good enough. I have two teenage girls who I pay for but again I contribute nothing.

God help me. I need strength to sort this out.


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## eyuop

I empathize with both of you ladies. I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through -- my heart aches listening to what you are both facing -- truly aches. I'm glad you found each other!


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## silkpalace

Mycah (and thanks for support Eyuop)
I think we are "soul sisters." I am sure thousands and thousands of women are suffering the way we are. Luckily, we have a place (this site) to be able to express our deepest thoughts. Sometimes it's easier to write about it than it is talk about ....and when I see the "ugliness" of the disease in print, it makes me wonder, how could things have gotten so out of hand. But I guess that's love and life.....things change, we become so busy with our lives, our children, the day to day of living, that we let certain behaviors "go", knowing in our compassionate hearts that no one is without flaws. But, when the disease gets to a point that you feel like your life is "insane" and is no longer manageable (Step 1 from Alanon), then i feel it's time to do something to take care of ourselves. I keep repeating in my head the same mantra over and over, "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it." I didn't realize how codependent my relationship had become. I really did for a very, very long time feel I could control my husband's drinking. At one point he blamed my menopause on his needing to drink more, because I "antagonized" him when I felt grouchy due to my hormonal state. He kept saying in this really scary voice, "Don't antagonize me." I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I couldn't bring up so many things to talk about because I was "antagonizing" him. Right now I am in mourning for the life I once had......but hopefully the pain will ease at some point. I never ever imagined that at 55 I would be alone again.......but I guess it's better than walking on eggshells. I don't think I could do that for another 25 years or more! Hang in there sweetie! At least we have each other and this wonderful site to pour out all our feelings!!!!!


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## Mycah

Silkpalace 
I too am moaning the life I am about to lose. I go to work, cook and clean for the kids then collapse on the sofa. I have no energy for anything else. I'm functioning for the case of it. My heart is well and truly broken. I actually had a heart attack last July which I see as due to stress. He promised he would improve but if anything his drinking as got worse.i have no family history or any other reason for the heart attack. Luckily my youngest was with me at the time and got me to the hospital on time. I'm not overweight or a smoker or have any reason I can use for this, except stress. I've still put up with it til now but don't think I can do it any longer.

He's away this weekend, out of state for his nieces birthday. It has been so calm at home. We don't have to walk on those eggshells. In my heartbim still crying when the kids can't see me for the losses. I have to be strong. I know things will never change if I leave it to him. I don't deserve to live like this, to yes as my life has become unmanageable. I know I can't cure it or control it either but I do have choices and I have to make them now.

I just need the strength to go thru this.


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