# How do I put my foot down?



## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I've been reading posts on here about women being allowed to do whatever they want to do and the men allowing them to. Many people have told them that they are being too nice and suggested they try to be more alpha. Does the same thing work for women?

I try and set boundaries for my husband but he continues to cross them. He has been out of town (700 miles away) since Wednesday evening and he's coming home on Sunday. I have another thread here where I posted about what's going on.

I called him this morning and got hold of him. When I asked him why he didn't call, he said he "forgot", that his phone was going in and out of signal and he didn't get my texts until this morning. He's there with his buddies, he drinks a lot when he's up there. He apologized almost as an afterthought. I'm so upset and I don't know whether to trust him or not but I know there's nothing I can do about it. 

It just seems like things like this happen, I talk to him about it, he apologizes, and then they happen again. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to put my foot down. We're TTC and I want to tell him that he needs to grow up before I have a child with him but I'm terrified that he will for a short period just to appease me and then things will go back to the way they were. I feel like he doesn't take me seriously.

Any ideas?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

We train people how to treat us. You've trained him that he doesn't relaly have to change, he just has to pretend to for a while.

Not calling while on an out of town trip demonstrates a marked lack of respect for you. It doesn't matter if all he was doing was shooting the breeze with his buddies, it would have taken 5 minutes to call you each night.

No way would I get pregnant with this guy until you two come up with some workable agreement on what constitutes basic courtesy in a marriage. JMHO, Sees!


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

I appreciate your opinion lamaga.

I may already be pregnant and it terrifies me that nothing is going to change. I read about guys being told to be more "alpha" and not allowing their wives to do certain things. The truth of the matter is that they have no control over what their wives do anyway. I have no control over what my husband decides to do.

I do have control over whether I start a family with someone who makes disrespectful choices. I just hope it's not too late to establish that control. If I'm pregnant, there's no going back.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You're absolutely right, the only person you control is you.

And if you're pregnant, then it's going to be a bit more complicated, but you still are in control of your own life. Remind me, is he very young? This could just be immaturity -- but if you're pregnant, he's going to need to get over that right quick.

Hang in there...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You never set boundaries for others--you set them for yourself. And a boundary means, a limit on what you will accept/tolerate. You cannot control whether or not he calls you; you can only control how you respond to his behavior. If your boundary is "I expect to be treated in this way and will not tolerate being treated in that way," then live by it. As already said, you have taught him again and again that you do NOT have boundaries. You let him repeat the same behavior over and over again, w/o real consequences. Either get over it, or enforce your boundary.

I hope you are not pg by him if you are realizing you need to leave him, but then a child is always a blessing from my point of view and even with the added difficulty this will bring, it would not be a disaster in my book. Of course, it is tough on a kid to have a father who is absent or half-assed and unrealiable, but there are worse things too, so think about what you will do if you are prg. Honestly, though, i would NOT encourage you to stay married and then be miserable with someone "just for the child." Big mistake. An absent parent is not as bad as two hateful, resentful, married ones.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

lamaga said:


> You're absolutely right, the only person you control is you.
> 
> And if you're pregnant, then it's going to be a bit more complicated, but you still are in control of your own life. Remind me, is he very young? This could just be immaturity -- but if you're pregnant, he's going to need to get over that right quick.
> 
> Hang in there...


He's 40 but it's like he never grew up. We have a 14 year age difference and I feel like somehow I surpassed him in maturity. He's responsible in many ways but when it comes to his nights out with the guys, everything goes out the window.

He has two other children, one is turning 20 this coming month and the other is 9. Both from different mothers, one of which he was married to. Both of those women also liked to go out and party on the weekends and I would say that his ex-wife is an alcoholic.

I think what hurts the most is that he "forgot". How does a guy forget to call his wife when he's 700 miles away from home and then act like it's not a big deal when I finally get hold of him after 36 hours since the last time I talked to him? It's like he thinks he's out on a single guy's trip.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> I hope you are not pg by him if you are realizing you need to leave him, but then a child is always a blessing from my point of view and even with the added difficulty this will bring, it would not be a disaster in my book. Of course, it is tough on a kid to have a father who is absent or half-assed and unrealiable, but there are worse things too, so think about what you will do if you are prg. Honestly, though, i would NOT encourage you to stay married and then be miserable with someone "just for the child." Big mistake. An absent parent is not as bad as two hateful, resentful, married ones.


I'm not to the point where I feel that I need to leave him and I wouldn't stay in a miserable marriage just for the child. My parents got divorced when I was 17 and I was actually glad for it. 

My husband is not usually absent, half-assed, or unreliable unless he is out drinking with his buddies. He has a good job, is otherwise good with making sure that we have enough money for the bills (although he's horrible at saving money), and he's a fantastic dad to his two other children (ages 20 and 9). We have joint custody of his 9-year-old daughter and she's a daddy's girl for sure.

I'm going to work harder at developing and enforcing my boundaries.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

seesah said:


> I appreciate your opinion lamaga.
> 
> I may already be pregnant and it terrifies me that nothing is going to change. I read about guys being told to be more "alpha" and not allowing their wives to do certain things. The truth of the matter is that they have no control over what their wives do anyway. I have no control over what my husband decides to do.
> 
> I do have control over whether I start a family with someone who makes disrespectful choices. I just hope it's not too late to establish that control. If I'm pregnant, there's no going back.


You cannot control what they do BUT you can control the reaction you take towards what they do.

I was having a bit if a problem being taken for granted not too long ago.
After many failed attempts to "nice Guy" my way to a resolution I simply stated how it was going to be and what my boundaries were.
When she pushed those boundaries after I had clearly stated them I showed her the door and an attitude that suggested I hoped she would use it.

She didn't but she did have to come to terms with the fact that I was in no way bluffing.
Haven't had a problem with those boundaries since i did this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

seesah said:


> I think what hurts the most is that he "forgot". How does a guy forget to call his wife when he's 700 miles away from home and then act like it's not a big deal when I finally get hold of him after 36 hours since the last time I talked to him? It's like he thinks he's out on a single guy's trip.


With respect, Dear Sees, he didn't forget. He made a choice not to call you, and figured he could get away with saying he forgot.

I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from a 40 year old man, and the fact that he already has two kids by two separate mothers? Well, life happens, but add that to his behavior, and you don't have a prize pkg there.


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