# Should I Call the "Other Man" My Wife Cheated With?!?!



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

You can read in my other thread how both my wife and I had a bout with infidelity in:

My Wife Has Feelings for Another Man and it is Eating Me Up!!!​
Well, she swears that she didn't have sex with the guy, but *I know that she went to his hotel room*. Furthermore, she has not been forthcoming with information throughout this whole ordeal so part of me feels like she is still omitting information. I am thinking about calling the "other man" to verify some information about the extent of the relationship and particularly this detail of whether or not they engaged in sex. However, I am not sure it is such a good idea. Should I just have the attitude that I will never know? Should I just assume the worst that she is lying and that she really did have sex with him but still work on the marriage? Or should I just call the guy and ask him in a relatively nonaggressive way?

I don't know what to do. I just feel like if the wife and I are going to stay in this marriage then we both deserve 100% unfettered honesty about what happened before. Otherwise what confidence do I have there will be 100% honesty later on? Please advise...thanks...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It wouldn't do a whole lot of good to contact the OM. You'll get about as much information out of him as what you get out of your wife. Contact his wife. You'll get a lot further!


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

827Aug said:


> It wouldn't do a whole lot of good to contact the OM. You'll get about as much information out of him as what you get out of your wife. Contact his wife. You'll get a lot further!


The man she was cheating with was himself going through a separation/divorce.

So should I just assume the worst or that I will never know if she had sex with him? Am I just mind-phucking myself?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

From my experience, you will never get an honest answer from either of them. The "mind-phucking" is definitely the hard part for a betrayed spouse. Do you know for certain that the OM and his wife are separated/divorcing? Or is that something your wife is telling you? I think I would still let the wife know.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Why would she go to his hotel room? If you go to a hotel room for any other reason but sex then you are weird...

Whether she did or did not have sex, the reason she went to his hotel room was with that in mind... You need to demand 100% honesty. If you cant believe her, it will tear your marriage apart and any hope for R is impossible... Have her take a polygraph... Or at least threaten her with one...


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

827Aug said:


> From my experience, you will never get an honest answer from either of them. The "mind-phucking" is definitely the hard part for a betrayed spouse. Do you know for certain that the OM and his wife are separated/divorcing? Or is that something your wife is telling you? I think I would still let the wife know.


I agree with this action. If your told the otehr guys is getting a divorce it could be that your W is telling you complete lies to detract you from any action. On the other hand if he is getting a divorce and hes been playing the field before the other wife may want some evidence that supports her present case. Id then let her know so it can be used. I suppose OM's wife didnt know anything then at least she'll see her H for what he is and you'll get some of the answers your looking for.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can't trust him. He might lie and pretend they had sex when they didn't't. Have your wife take a lie detector test. Afrer all, this us her fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

If she went to his hotel room, she had sex with him. Accept that as the truth. Therefore she is lying to you.

Calling him is weak. OM will probably lie to you and think you are a chump if you believe him. (They've already arranged their stories together anyhow.) He'd only tell you if he was pissed at her. 

The only good thing to do with an OM is expose him (you're not sure he's going through a divorce, and if he is, it doesn't matter; the point is to shame him and send him packling). Personally I would threaten to kick his ass if he contacts your wife or accepts contact from her. Don't take the high road with OM. They deserve nothing less than your contempt.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They had sex. No woman goes to a hotel room with a guy to watch the free HBO. She knows this too, she went there to have sex.

Calling him is total waste of time. He won't tell you the truth, he will see you as some crazy husband that might be looking to come after him for banging your wife. Do you really think he's gonna admit it?

The only way you are going to know is a polygraph.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your relationship with you wife is terrible and from what I read in your other thread, she's the primary cause of it. She's nit putting effort or passion into it. You are starved for affection and it uneven drove you to cheat. Yes, that's a horrible choice you made and its clear you know it.

Your wife however is not making you are the marriage a priority. Her actions frankly at the moment seem more like someone still in the affair and still hoping to be with the OM. 

My worry here is that very best you are going to achieve here is to return your marriage back to the status quo before you cheated.

She seems primed to either continue/resume the affair with the OM or potentially find an new OM.

She's dragging her feat, she's trickle try thing and denying, and her attitude toward you is poor.

These are not the actions of a spouse trying to work on the marriage.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

The truth is they had sex. It hard to deal with that..I know I did. Lie detector is a total waste of time. She will deny it and say the detector is wrong. Just make up your mind. Is she worth it? Trust will take a very long time to get back. Things will never be the same again. But they can be better. 
I say call his wife NOW. Protect your marriage. If she sees him again they are going to go at it..again.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again? She said she told him, but there is no way for me to know exactly _how_ the message was conveyed.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

827Aug said:


> *...you will never get an honest answer from either of them. *"


No truer words could have ever been said. 

Although my STBXW literally logged in thousands of cell-phone minutes/texts with her OM, greatly compared to only a scant few with me as her H; and given that a lot of those call/text times were occurring in the wee hours of the morning while I was sleeping in our bedroom alone, or just away from home; if querried about that marked abnormality, she would look you in the eye and just say that all of those calls/texts were strictly "business related."

Now I don't really know if she could ever look a judge or a jury in the eye and tell them that, but everyone else, including your's truly, would be lied to and richly played for a fool!


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again? She said she told him, but there is no way for me to know exactly _how_ the message was conveyed.


I will tell you that I talked to one of the former OM of my WW, hopefully my experience can save you the same pain and realization. If he was having an A with your wife, #1 he isn't a real man like you seem to be. You are not on a level playing field so to speak. While you would be honest, you are dealing with a liar and a cheat. He will blame shift to your wife, he might brag about what they did not do, just to turn the knife in your guts, or he may may lie about what they did do running scared from the truth he helped create.

I realized very late in the process to trust the advice given here. It's like there is a Cheater / liar handbook somewhere, even though we all realize there isn't. If she said they kissed, they had sex (cheater code). If she tells you you know all that she does, she isn't being honest with you. There are very few truly remorseful WS, who have the strength to empathize with the pain of the partner they espouse to love enough to bare their souls and beg for forgiveness. 

It sucks, but there it is. If she went to his hotel room, your gut tells you and so have many here what happened. Accept it and deal with it however you have to, we are all different.

I wish you peace.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I contacted them all, started with a text to them, one I talked to directly. All but one was respectful, I didn't ask for details from the one guy she had sex with other than how many times (once) how did it start etc, the others with the sexting I just confirmed that there was no contact. It is easy to do I played it off to them that she had told me everything and I was just confirming her info. I did learn a few things she hadn't told me but mostly I wanted to let them know that I wasn't a ghost but a real person with kids and they were partly responsible for the turmoil that has happened to my marriage and my family. Did I get all the answers I wanted and was it all the truth? probably not but in this day where you can't put your hands on anyone without getting sued at least I looked them in the eye(so to speak) and said my peace.
The only advice I could give is to write down anything you want to say or text rehearse it, and be prepared for him to be rude, if you find yourself getting upset stay calm and end contact don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he got to you. Texting helped no direct words.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> You can read in my other thread how both my wife and I had a bout with infidelity in:
> 
> My Wife Has Feelings for Another Man and it is Eating Me Up!!!​
> Well, she swears that she didn't have sex with the guy, but *I know that she went to his hotel room*. Furthermore, she has not been forthcoming with information throughout this whole ordeal so part of me feels like she is still omitting information. I am thinking about calling the "other man" to verify some information about the extent of the relationship and particularly this detail of whether or not they engaged in sex. However, I am not sure it is such a good idea.
> ...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again? *She said she told him, but there is no way for me to know exactly how the message was conveyed*.


Have her tell him again. This time, she handwrites a no contact letter stating that she is horribly ashamed of her behavior and she must have been out of her mind for having anything to do with him when her husband is so much superior to him, that she doesn't want him to contact her ever again, and that if he does she will consider it harassment and file charges against him. Then she gives the letter to you, you read it, make a copy, and you send it certified mail to the other man.

As far as you contacting him "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again, how do you think that conversation will go? I can give you several examples, here is one:

YOU: I wanted to talk to you man-to-man, don't ever contact my wife again.

HIM: Fvck you. I'll contact her whenever I want. She is the one who pursued me anyway. She told me you have a small dck and you never satisfied her.

YOU: ???

What do you say to that? You going to fight him? Go to jail? For what? Your cheating slvt of a wife?

If you want this to end, your wife is the only one who can end it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I see many of you are saying it is a waste of time contacting him, but shouldn't I at least "man to man" let him know not to contact my wife again?


 I would normally agree with the others and tell you not to call, but you need to see if you can get more information from him. You should call him and bluff. Tell him that your wife has told you everything and that you called him to ask if he felt guilty having sex with another man's wife? After you ask this question say nothing as you wait for his answer. Let him be the one to break the silence first even if the silence is for a long time and feels awkward. In sales they say to ask a closing question and then shut up, he who speaks first loses.

Do not tell him to leave your wife alone. Nothing is more pathetic than asking another man to please stop f*cking your wife.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Read your screen name. Follow it if she's not willing to give you what you need.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

TRy said:


> I would normally agree with the others and tell you not to call, but you need to see if you can get more information from him. *You should call him and bluff. Tell him that your wife has told you everything and that you called him to ask if he felt guilty having sex with another man's wife?* After you ask this question say nothing as you wait for his answer. Let him be the one to break the silence first even if the silence is for a long time and feels awkward. In sales they say to ask a closing question and then shut up, he who speaks first loses.
> 
> Do not tell him to leave your wife alone. Nothing is more pathetic than asking another man to please stop f*cking your wife.


This is the way to do it if you do call.

But no matter what the other man says, your wife can just say other man is lying.

She told you she met him in a hotel and didn't have sex with him. And the way she said it was not like she knew how unbelievable it sounds, she said it like it was the most normal thing in the world, to meet another man at a hotel, get a room, and not have sex.

If she can claim with straight face that they met at a hotel, rented a room, and did not have sex (or even try), then telling you other man is lying will be a piece of cake for her.

Wife to OM: Want to meet up and talk?

OM: Yeah, where do you want to meet? The coffee shop? The diner?

Wife: No, let's get a room at a hotel.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You want to ACT. You want to take ACTION of some sort to "Feel like a Man!" I understand your need. The problem is that you live in the "Nanny State" that might change your life IF you go too far.

Your old life is over. You can not go back to the way thing were. Your wife is a LIAR. Please understand the importance of the last sentance. Nothing that she says can be believed, NOTHING.

Now do you want to live like that? Do you really think that you can not do better? Do you think that no other hot woman will talk to you? Do you think that you can not start a new life?

You have MUCH bigger problems on you hands living in the USA right now than a lying wife. I want you to look at the "Big Picture" and not one woman. You can start living a new life IF you want, but it is up to you. Good luck David


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not my trick but I thought it was cool. Since you only get like2 questions and you want the details.
1) Do a 10 question or whatever questionaire for your wife to fill out the day before.
2) Question 1. Did you have oral, manual or genital sex with XXXX?
3) Question 2. Are all of you answers to the questionaire truth?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

If you call the other man I think you should bluff. If you ask then he will know you dont know and lie.

Tell him your wife confessed about everything and you want his explanation for how he was able to justify having sex with your wife, a married woman. If he denies at this point, it's a slightly stronger statement but not definitive. He could still be wary of this tactic.

However, he may just think the jig is up and apologize and give you some BS answer. That would be perfect because then you'd know..which would also suck.


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## Gabrielle67 (Feb 18, 2013)

You want to confront him because your pride is hurt. You should not call the OM. You are not married to him but your wife. Work this out with her and nobody else. Women are different than men in that they desire attention/affection...not purely sex.If she went to that room she was seeking attention or affection...and yes it could have led to sex. You will have to determine in your own heart if you are willing to forgive her and accept that you will never have proof either way. that is what trust is. Your trust has been betrayed so it will take time and effort on both your part to repair your trust. If your wife cheated on you..there is a reason for it. It hurts but you need to admit that and find out why she turned to this man...what is lacking in your relationship/her life? My advice is that you turn your focus on discovering why this happened instead of determining if she actually had sex. Even if she did not have sex...she still turned to another man...why? If you love her you can forgive her and rebuild your trust..it CAN be done..but it will take time. You are entitled to be angry so be angry but in time let go and determine to save your marriage. Determine to discover WHy this happened and overcome the cause together. At least TRY to save your marriage. Don`t just give up. Never give up because you are angry. Forgiveness is not about allowing her to get away with something bad...forgiveness is about healing YOUR wounds. If she cheated she will never get away from her guilty conscience anyway. If you forgive her you will heal yourself and your marriage. But realize that it will take time to forgive. Forgiving just means that you choose to let it go..it does not mean, however that she will not suffer consequences.So let her suffer consequences..in terms of a change in your relationship (rules/expectations) but be humble in allowing her to suffer..after all you are suffering as well. Forgiveness is the key to all successful relationships. I sincerely pray you will find the courage to forgive and heal your marriage. God bless you.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Gabrielle67 said:


> You want to confront him because your pride is hurt. You should not call the OM. You are not married to him but your wife. Work this out with her and nobody else. Women are different than men in that they desire attention/affection...not purely sex.If she went to that room she was seeking attention or affection...and yes it could have led to sex. You will have to determine in your own heart if you are willing to forgive her and accept that you will never have proof either way. that is what trust is. Your trust has been betrayed so it will take time and effort on both your part to repair your trust. If your wife cheated on you..there is a reason for it. It hurts but you need to admit that and find out why she turned to this man...what is lacking in your relationship/her life? My advice is that you turn your focus on discovering why this happened instead of determining if she actually had sex. Even if she did not have sex...she still turned to another man...why? If you love her you can forgive her and rebuild your trust..it CAN be done..but it will take time. You are entitled to be angry so be angry but in time let go and determine to save your marriage. Determine to discover WHy this happened and overcome the cause together. At least TRY to save your marriage. Don`t just give up. Never give up because you are angry. Forgiveness is not about allowing her to get away with something bad...forgiveness is about healing YOUR wounds. If she cheated she will never get away from her guilty conscience anyway. If you forgive her you will heal yourself and your marriage. But realize that it will take time to forgive. Forgiving just means that you choose to let it go..it does not mean, however that she will not suffer consequences.So let her suffer consequences..in terms of a change in your relationship (rules/expectations) but be humble in allowing her to suffer..after all you are suffering as well. Forgiveness is the key to all successful relationships. I sincerely pray you will find the courage to forgive and heal your marriage. God bless you.


FAIL. Do not listen to this drivel. You have had problems in your marriage, sure. Everyone does. But to insinuate her cheating is in any way your fault is beyond ridiculous. It is downright cruel. It is cheater-speak in fact. Her BAD CHARACTER made her seek out attention somewhere else.

In my marriage, both my wife and I could have used some of our epic battles and breakdowns as excuses for cheating on one another. Neither of us did because it is downright selfish and man.. I gotta say it.. evil.

Gabrielle's intentions are good but if you approached this situation from her perspective, this whole thing would be swept under the rug and you would end up feeling cuckolded and pathetic.

Be strong. Demand truth. Going to another man's hotel room REGARDLESS of what happens inside is cheating. It is such a hurtful and destructive thing to do because there is no other way of interpreting it from your perspective. You must assume the worst. I would.

IF this is not resolved you will wonder your whole life while you are with her. It will destroy your marriage as you grow resentful.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

To RunFromYourWife,
I can't believe that we are both in the same boat! Mine happened over 25 yrs. ago when my husband had a 3 yr. affair. He also went off during that 3 yr. time to a hotel twice. Once they went to a resort that was close to Sea World, where they spent the day. The other time to the beach. Both places we celebrated our anniversaries. Reason being, in his business he got a free room at certain places being the above and he's all about money.

We got married at 18, never been with anyone else. The affair happened right before our 25 yr. anniversary. I found out when the other woman's husband sent me a letter telling me, "My H was having an affair, that I was being played for a fool and has he been any where without you lately?" Plus he included the very loving letters that my H sent to the OW. I was in so much shock that I didn't even realize that it had to be a 3 yr. affair, as their were 3 birthday cards. He lied, said it was just for a year and lunch's, which I believed. I couldn't look at those letters again for a couple months, then I did research through visa receipts and saw the 2 weekends, dinner's, etc. I could never find any other evidence that they went off any other time's. I searched really well and the way I could tell about the weekends were dinner receipts. In his business, he couldn't have had a quick one at lunch and he was always home pretty quickly after dinner, but they went to lounge's very often for drinking and dancing. 

I tried to get the truth for 5 yrs. and it trickled in and it didn't make sense, as their were so many lies. I finally met with the OW twice to get her side of the story. She said they didn't have sex (he was her higher up boss, but they didn't work together, not even in the same building). I asked her why they didn't and she said, "I don't know unless he was impotent." I called her several times during the next 18 months to ask questions and compare notes with what my H said, but I made the mistake of "feeding her the question, with the answer almost attached." I should have just asked her, what happened in the hotel room? How many weekend's did you go off, instead of saying, "My husband said you only went off on 2 weekend's, right?" STUPID ME!

I did call her husband, he told me that he asked her, "Well, I'm sure you had sex or couldn't he get it up?" To protect my H, she told him that sure they did. I got so frustrated as I needed to know what happened in that hotel room on those weekends, it was driving me nuts and I didn't want to stay in the marriage if he had. It was hard enough to deal with the betrayal, him being in bed with her for a 3 yr. period. The other was a deal breaker. 

We went through 5 yrs. of counseling or I should say, I did, as he only showed up most of the time. I finally had him take a Polygraph test, but he wasn't the best one in our area, but he was cheaper and that's what I did, BIG MISTAKE! He failed the part about sex, but yet when it was broken down to different parts if you get what I mean, he passed it. So, I still don't know what to think. I had him take it again 8 months later, same examiner, better questions. The one he failed, had to do with an erection and he failed that part. So my feeling is that he wanted to but was to nervous as he had never been with anyone but me, had been drinking which doesn't help and he couldn't get it up. He will not tell me this and it makes me so angry. If he wanted to have sex with her and couldn't, darn it, tell me. 

I want so bad to get in touch with her and her ex-husband now as he divorced her, which is what I wish I had done at 40 yrs. of age as it has been a rough 20 years sometimes. I'm now 69 and even though I don't look my age, it's hard to start over after being married 51 yrs., but I am now suffering from PTSD as due to his behavior these past 4 yrs. anger, drinking, lack of emotional support, sex, mad due to my back issues, it has been hell at times. He has given up drinking now over 16 months, trying to be more caring and less controlling, I've asked more questions about how he felt about her, etc., but he gets upset and doesn't want to discuss it. He says that he has put it out of his mind and can't even believe that he was so stupid and doesn't remember hardly any of it, which I don't buy. He told me that he was in the affair for an ego boost, enjoyed her company, still loved me and I wasn't getting hurt because I didn't know about it. He rationalized that he could do what he was doing as he knew he wasn't going to have sex, as that would be crossing the line for him. He was to nervous to do that with someone else, as he had only been with me in regards to the sex part. He swears by his story, but if it had been me and I had went through all that trouble, I would have tried sex and if I had been the other woman, I would have worn something so sexy he couldn't have turned me down. According to them, she slept in a t shirt and panties, which is what that age group did sleep in, but she did say that he brought some sexy things but he didn't give her any reason to think anything was going to happen. GOD IT'S FRUSTRATING NOT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT ROOM!

The whole point of telling you all this, sorry, is to help you with what I've been through. I would contact the woman's husband, who knows, he might tell you something that would help and even if he doesn't it will make you feel better, at least you tried. 

Talk to the cheating spouse, what can it hurt. Try and set her up, like it's been suggested by other's, how can it hurt? Tell your wife if she doesn't take a Polygraph test, she can leave, that's what I said to my husband. I told him, I couldn't believe his lies anymore after 18 months and if he didn't, that was it. 

You need to get whatever information you can while it's fresh in their memory or you'll be where I am 25 yrs. later. I finally gave up, shoved it under the rug and felt their was nothing else I could do. It was destroying my health, tried to take my life twice, panic attacks, depression. You name it, I suffered from it, cancer, hysterectomy, so I had to give it up. 

In hindsight, my mistake was I didn't make him leave the house, like I always said I would if that ever happened to me. I said it jokingly, as I thought we loved each other so much that it would never happen. I think if I had kicked him out when I found out about the lies, he might have told me more about what happened in order to come back home. He lead me to believe in the beginning that it was a year, with just lunch's and wasn't anything serious and I believed him and I was grateful it wasn't worse than that and felt I could deal with it. Finding out 4 D-days later with the truth trickling in as I found it and confronted him, was such a shock that I went into "shut down mode" and went to bed as my nerves couldn't deal with it. 

Sorry this is so long, I just want to help you. First, I don't even know if the affair was over, I couldn't find any proof that it was still going on, but her Husband said it was in the letter. I should have went to him right then and ask him what proof did he have? Big mistake on my part, because 25 yrs. later, I don't know if it still was and that would mean that it was a 4 yr. affair and my husband is still covering it up and he only stopped it because her husband sent me the letter. That's more humiliation, if I had only saw her husband for proof, that question would have been cleared up. Now, 25 yrs. later, I still don't know. All I do know is that he didn't show much remorse after I found out for the next few years, which leads me to believe that he was angry that he had to give her up, but I'll never know. SO GET WHATEVER INFORMATION YOU CAN TO PUT YOUR MIND AT PEACE, WETHER IT'S A LIE OR NOT! Then try and put all the pieces together. If you still love her and she isn't seeing him anymore and that would be a deal breaker if she was, then make a decision before you waste your whole life wondering what the truth is.

The last thing's that I'm going to do right now are these. My Husband still gets upset, says he can't remember and this has been for the past year. I'm going to try and find both the ex-husband and ask him that question now. Find the cheating spouse and ask her, woman to woman, "Did you have sex with my husband?" "Was he unable to perform, if she say's NO!" Then, I will ask her, "Was it because he was unable to perform, but tried?" Lastly, HE IS GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER POLYGRAPH TEST FROM THE BEST EXPERT I CAN FIND IN OUR AREA AND WE LIVE IN A BIG CITY and he knows this. I've got to get some resolution and then if he's had sex, he's out the door. If it's still non-conclusive then I'll have a big decision to make. Maybe separate for a while and it might wake him up that I want the truth. I did separate before, but only for a week, twice. I need to just move out, not leave and go to a hotel for a week.

Sorry this is so long, you've probably fell asleep by now. I just don't want you to be going through the depression, anxiety now that I'm dealing with 25 years later and have regrets.

Blessings and best of luck,

Granny7


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Gabrielle67 said:


> You want to confront him because your pride is hurt. You should not call the OM. You are not married to him but your wife. Work this out with her and nobody else. Women are different than men in that they desire attention/affection...not purely sex.If she went to that room she was seeking attention or affection...and yes it could have led to sex. You will have to determine in your own heart if you are willing to forgive her and accept that you will never have proof either way. that is what trust is. Your trust has been betrayed so it will take time and effort on both your part to repair your trust. If your wife cheated on you..there is a reason for it. It hurts but you need to admit that and find out why she turned to this man...what is lacking in your relationship/her life? My advice is that you turn your focus on discovering why this happened instead of determining if she actually had sex. Even if she did not have sex...she still turned to another man...why? If you love her you can forgive her and rebuild your trust..it CAN be done..but it will take time. You are entitled to be angry so be angry but in time let go and determine to save your marriage. Determine to discover WHy this happened and overcome the cause together. At least TRY to save your marriage. Don`t just give up. Never give up because you are angry. Forgiveness is not about allowing her to get away with something bad...forgiveness is about healing YOUR wounds. If she cheated she will never get away from her guilty conscience anyway. If you forgive her you will heal yourself and your marriage. But realize that it will take time to forgive. Forgiving just means that you choose to let it go..it does not mean, however that she will not suffer consequences.So let her suffer consequences..in terms of a change in your relationship (rules/expectations) but be humble in allowing her to suffer..after all you are suffering as well. Forgiveness is the key to all successful relationships. I sincerely pray you will find the courage to forgive and heal your marriage. God bless you.


 If you want to know what not to do, listen to Gabrielle67's post. Blame for what is wrong with the marriage is 50%-50% shared by each spouse. Blame for cheating is 100% on the cheater. Here is a truth, cheating never helps a marraige, it only makes things worse. If her needs were not being meet, she needed to communicate and work with you on it.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

To RunFromYour Post,

I was thinking about what I wrote to you and I shouldn't have been telling you WHAT TO DO! That's your decision and I'm sorry for doing so. I started out just trying to share all that I had been through with my husbands affair that happened 25 yrs. ago and how it's all come back due to triggers of how he started acting 4 yrs. ago.

The decision on what to do is entirely up to you and you have been given all kinds of advice about it here from your post. I only contacted the OW as no matter what I did I couldn't get anything but lies. She didn't have to meet with me, I called and asked her. She could have said, NO, so that was her choice also. Yes, it should be between you and your CW and that would be great, but it sure would help if you could believe and then eventually build up trust in them and let it go, which is what I thought I had done. I guess I hadn't or I wouldn't be where I am today.

I agree with some of what Gabrielle67 and I haven't seen TRy's post, but the only thing that I don't agree on is that in order for an affair to happen you should look into your marriage and see what might have caused it. 

That is not always the case and it sure wasn't in mine. I had my husband on such a high pedestal that he would have had a nose bleed if he fell off. I loved him as much 25 yrs. later as the day I married him and did everything for him to show that. He wasn't lacking in any department and he did show me love in return. Sometimes not as much as I did, as he took more than he gave. He was an only child and was use to being given everything, where I was one of six. He has said many times, it wasn't anything that I didn't give him at home, it was him just being selfish, loving himself more and thus, doing what made him happy at the time. He looks back on it now and doesn't even believe that he could have been that person. I wish he hadn't been as it changed our whole life. Yes, we moved on, I thought I had forgiven him and I sure loved him or I would have left. But obviously, I couldn't deal with the pain and shoved it under the rug for so many years, didn't talk about it anymore and then it re-surfaced. So, I was only trying to help, but said way to much.

If this woman had not come on to him and he hadn't been drinking, which was the biggest problem in our marriage, he would have never seek her or any other woman out. It just wasn't his still. But put liquor there, a pretty woman a few years younger and he lapped up the new attention and it boosted his ego even more. Sure, I did all that, but she was new and it's hard for a wife to compete with that. Also and our therapist, my husband also, have all agreed that sometimes a person has an issue with low self-esteem even though you would never know it. They may seem on top of things on the outside, run companies, but inside have a lot of low self esteem problems and need more attention to boost that than other happy married people. Such was my husband and he has readily admitted that. The only blame, if I needed to take any, would be that I should at some point before this happened and he would drink to much at social occasions, gave him an ultimatum, like Mrs. Bush did to the President. "It's either me or the bottle" and maybe then he wouldn't have been drinking and vulnerable. 

My husband had a high-powered job, she was a secretary and I think un-happy in her job and wanted to see if she could move up in society, so my husband was a likely target. But he could have said, NO, also but he didn't. He acted on what seemed good at the time in a moment of weakness. I still pray that they didn't have sex and I don't know if I personally can live with out knowing that or not, but we all have to do what's in your heart and that's what you have to do.

Anyway, sorry I came on so strong. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Blessings,

Granny7


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> If you call the other man I think you should bluff. If you ask then he will know you dont know and lie.
> 
> Tell him your wife confessed about everything and you want his explanation for how he was able to justify having sex with your wife, a married woman. If he denies at this point, it's a slightly stronger statement but not definitive. He could still be wary of this tactic.
> 
> However, he may just think the jig is up and apologize and give you some BS answer. That would be perfect because then you'd know..which would also suck.



I would greatly think that, if asked or confronted, the OM and WW would fastly adhere to the good ol' time-honored *"cheaters code." *And that is to * "lie, lie, lie" or "deny, deny,deny!" *

Even if they were literally caught with their pants down around their ankles!


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> You can read in my other thread how both my wife and I had a bout with infidelity in:
> 
> My Wife Has Feelings for Another Man and it is Eating Me Up!!!​
> Well, she swears that she didn't have sex with the guy, but *I know that she went to his hotel room*. Furthermore, she has not been forthcoming with information throughout this whole ordeal so part of me feels like she is still omitting information. I am thinking about calling the "other man" to verify some information about the extent of the relationship and particularly this detail of whether or not they engaged in sex. However, I am not sure it is such a good idea. Should I just have the attitude that I will never know? Should I just assume the worst that she is lying and that she really did have sex with him but still work on the marriage? Or should I just call the guy and ask him in a relatively nonaggressive way?
> ...


You need to assume they had sex, and that would seem to be all there is to know. Why would you want to talk to this guy and wallow in his words, letting him tell you about his escapades with your wife, you don't need to hear that. 

When my X admitted cheating she told me all kinds of details, and I ate it up, I wanted to know. In the end, knowing these details was painful and of no therapeutic value. It as actually detrimental to reconciliation.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

If you call asking questions he will know that you don't know anything, therefore he will not say if he had sex with your wife because he knows she already told you they didn't.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How would knowing help you? This is Schrodinger's Cat.

Who spends $150 for a hotel room in order to say what could be said in a booth at Denny's for the price of a cup of coffee?

In her mind she is telling a form of truth if there was no ejaculate in her vajayjay. 
She might not condider oral or manual real sex. Even if he couldn't rise to the ocassion somethimg inappropriate took place. Just resign yourself to knowing the cat is alive (or dead) - just that makes it so.


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## Granny7 (Feb 2, 2013)

EverMan,

In regards to WALKONMARS, problem:

I know I'm getting into a "hornets nest" with this comment, but I'll go ahead and make it. Being in the same situation my self and it's been 25 yrs. later, but for reason's that have happened due to his behavior, it's all come back to me like PTSD. I put that same question in regards to the sex to bed, literally speaking 25 yrs. ago and gave up on finding out the truth. Now, it's driving me crazy again. 

I would say that the one reason it's important to know the honest truth in regards to the actual sex is that, like for me, it's a deal breaker. It would mean divorce. If they went to a hotel for a weekend and Sea World just to be alone and not have people looking over their shoulder and just to be together and have fun, that could be different. My H had only been with me and the same for myself, so he wanted to be with her, but the sex was taking it to another level that he didn't feel comfortable with. They went off on 2 weekends in 3 yrs., that is one of the only reason's that I think it might not have happened. The other being, that he was so nervous that he couldn't perform. The polygraph test points to that, as I got so tired of the lies after 15 months or so that it was take it or I was out of there. 

It's just something that some people need to know. I get sick just thinking of him being in the same bed with her, how could he even do that if he loved me? I know that if I had went through all that trouble and I was sleeping with my boss (she was married with 2 little children) that I would come out in something very sexy, but she told me that he had done nothing sexy while they were together before that to lead her to believe that they were going to have sex. Maybe she would have been embarrassed if she had dressed that way and he didn't attack her and if he did, everything went limp. Can you imagine the embarrassment he would have went through, when she looked up to him so much. 

I still want to know and I can understand why he does also. It's everyone's private decision and all we can do is offer our suggestions because he asked us.

Just like you, you believe their should be true honest in a marriage and I totally agree. Sometimes, probably more than others, you just don't get it. I know that my H is scared to tell me the truth if they had sex. Even 25 yrs. ago he started out lying the first day and that's why I didn't tell him to leave in the beginning. Lunch together for just a year and I believed him. If I had been thinking straight, which I wasn't, the letter that the OW husband sent me one year into the affair should have told me something, when I received another one 3 yrs. later. My H had convinced me on that first letter that he had fired this man's wife and he was trying to start trouble and I believed him. He had never lied to me before was always home, except for a few business trips, which I thought he was on that weekend, turned out it was their first weekend together and he lied to me. So what was I thinking when he lied to me again, three years later about the second letter? It's called SHOCK AND THE BRAIN NOT WANTING TO HEAR AND ACCEPT THE PAIN. I couldn't look at the love letter's with birthday cards for over a month and if I had, it would have told me he was lying as their were 3 birthday cards. 

Now 25 yrs, later it's all coming back to me and I'm suffering from PTSD and really need some help to get through this. I am going to have him take a qualified polygraph test with a good examiner, not like the one we used 25 yrs. ago that came back non-conclusive on the important questions. Then I'll make a decision if I can deal with this anymore. My peace and sanity is worth more, even though we've been married 51 yrs. The last 4 being hell on earth for both of us as he won't talk about it with me.

Sorry, it was so long, just not having a good night. We just had a huge argument over the affair and lies.

Take care,
Granny7


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