# Update for those who are interested



## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I have had no contact with OW..... wife continues to have contact with her. During the EA I told OW I liked blonde hair and a light tan....

I saw a picture of OW last night that wife shows me.... she has a tan and blonde hair.... coincidence? Wife thinks not. She did have red hair last time I saw her. 

Wife FINALLY told me that she does not trust OW and likes to know where her head is at on a daily basis...

I continue to attend therapy.... I am going to tell therapist I do not want to talk about my childhood right now. I am not going to cheat on my wife any more than I already have. 

Had physical doc gave me a script to calm me down a bit.

I have to watch what I put out here..... hence thread deletion.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How would discussing your childhood be cheating on your wife?


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

I do not want to talk to therapist about my childhood.... AND I am not going to cheat on my wife any longer.

Things with OW blew up again today... she is in therapy but not truthful. She is asking wife why she stays with me and calling me this and that. And telling wife she hates me and cannot stand me and wants to throw up and since wife is staying with me....she cannot be friends with her... and wife said ok and then she back tracks...

I feel worse than I did.... I basically messed them both up . 

Wife does not trust her or me.... thinks that if she throws herself at me I will not back down... She thinks OW wants her to leave me so she can step in .... wife wants to know if I miss her ?

I had no idea women were so emotional... i was just playing a game with OW... but she must have started dreaming , fantasizing or something... 

She is definitely unstable. I had no idea that she would flip out... over texting ... granted I did tell her stuff that I should not have about the wife and me .... I mean would not most people say, hey I think its great that you are working on your marriage < glad to hear he is getting his **** together..... instead she keeps trying to convince her I'm a serial cheater.

I keep telling wife that I have never cheated except for this... and OW had a part in this... but she does not seem to bring this up.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

quiesedba said:


> I do not want to talk to therapist about my childhood.... AND I am not going to cheat on my wife any longer.
> 
> Things with OW blew up again today... she is in therapy but not truthful. She is asking wife why she stays with me and calling me this and that. And telling wife she hates me and cannot stand me and wants to throw up and since wife is staying with me....she cannot be friends with her... and wife said ok and then she back tracks...
> 
> ...



This does not sound like remorse.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> This does not sound like remorse.


I am remorseful ..... W needs to dump OW.... I'm sorry if I hurt her feelings..... she played a big part in this.... and now wants wife to leave me?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree. You both really need to sever all ties with this woman. I think your wife feels she's able to control BOTH of you and ensure you stay away from each other if she keeps OW in her life, but it is not healthy logic.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree. You both really need to sever all ties with this woman. I think your wife feels she's able to control BOTH of you and ensure you stay away from each other if she keeps OW in her life, but it is not healthy logic.


Yes wife even said this was the reason.... the OW sends her these huge texts telling her how awful I am and that she cannot stand the sight of me and wants to throwup when wife mentions me to her in the smallest way...

I really think OW got emotionally attached ..... I think wife is ready to cut the string and take the blow back .... 

She is afraid if she does OW will try to contact me out of spite... I keep telling wife I will not contact her and gave her all my passwords etc.. for a couple from work that I cannot give anyone. 

I am beginning to realize that I do not want to lose my marriage over a piece of crazy ass. It was fun in the beginning and stroked my ego, but now it's getting too bizarre.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

quiesedba said:


> Yes wife even said this was the reason.... the *OW sends her these huge texts telling her how awful I am and that she cannot stand the sight of me and wants to throwup when wife mentions me to her in the smallest way...*
> 
> I really think OW got emotionally attached ..... I think wife is ready to cut the string and take the blow back ....
> 
> ...


OW is also trying to control the situation. She wants to hurt you for rejecting her. She knows it will hurt you if your wife leaves you over this, and that's what she wants. She might not even necessarily want you to be with her (but she might). 

Your wife REALLY needs to commit to ending the friendship with this woman.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> OW is also trying to control the situation. She wants to hurt you for rejecting her. She knows it will hurt you if your wife leaves you over this, and that's what she wants. She might not even necessarily want you to be with her (but she might).
> 
> Your wife REALLY needs to commit to ending the friendship with this woman.


Who knows what she wants....OW that is .... but when she tells wife that our marriage is a sham, and that wife is not happy ... and that she could have had sex with me if she wanted.... and she made doctor appointments for me etc... she nuts all over the place....

She will tell her she cannot understand why wife wants to stay with me.... and wife will say ... I'm not throwing 21 years away for this.... does OW really think I was going to leave my family for her? 

I think she realizes by wife not leaving me and the fact that I have had no contact with her that she is getting ready to be dumped by wife.... and that she meant nothing to me except for meaningless sex.... god I'm glad I did not have PA with this women we would have ended up on snapped. 

So now I am just reassuring wife over and over... but I can tell she is concerned.... I cannot go to the gym by my self.... and she asked me last night if I missed OW


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

quiesedba said:


> *Who knows what she wants....OW that is .... but when she tells wife that our marriage is a sham*, and that wife is not happy ... and that she could have had sex with me if she wanted.... and she made doctor appointments for me etc... she nuts all over the place....
> 
> She will tell her she cannot understand why wife wants to stay with me.... and wife will say ... I'm not throwing 21 years away for this.... does OW really think I was going to leave my family for her?
> 
> ...


What she wants is for you to be punished. She wants YOU to experience the rejection that SHE feels from you. That's what she wants.

I know, because I've been there, although I'm the BS who has talked to the OW this way. I put them both on blast and continued communicating with her in an effort to try to control her into wanting nothing to do with him. Our story is different because she used to be my kids' step-mom and probably will be again, so I do have a vested interested in what all of this back and forth between women is doing to my kids, but still, if I am being completely honest with myself, my main concern in bad-mouthing my STBX to her, and trying to get her to realize how terrible he is, was to make HIM hurt, make HIM be rejected by her so that he could hurt as much as me.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> What she wants is for you to be punished. She wants YOU to experience the rejection that SHE feels from you. That's what she wants.
> 
> I know, because I've been there, although I'm the BS who has talked to the OW this way. I put them both on blast and continued communicating with her in an effort to try to control her into wanting nothing to do with him. Our story is different because she used to be my kids' step-mom and probably will be again, so I do have a vested interested in what all of this back and forth between women is doing to my kids, but still, if I am being completely honest with myself, my main concern in bad-mouthing my STBX to her, and trying to get her to realize how terrible he is, was to make HIM hurt, make HIM be rejected by her so that he could hurt as much as me.


I understand what you are saying but this OW was wife's BBF to begin with and after hiding the EA from my wife for 8 weeks.... things were progressing to PA and she freaked and blew the lid off to my wife so she could be the good one... and me the bad one.....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

quiesedba said:


> I understand what you are saying but this OW was wife's BBF to begin with and after hiding the EA from my wife for 8 weeks.... things were progressing to PA and she freaked and blew the lid off to my wife so she could be the good one... and me the bad one.....


Yes, that adds a whole 'nother layer for sure. 

How does your wife possibly think this woman can remain in your lives in any kind of positive way and still rebuild your relationship? She has to choose one or the other.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

quiesedba said:


> She did have red hair last time I saw her.


Q, tell your wife I said there's no doubt you and her BFF didn't sleep together. If you did you'd know if she was a true red head. These two chicks sure have you twisting in the wind. You need to stop this a just go fishing.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

quiesedba said:


> I understand what you are saying but this OW was wife's BBF to begin with and after hiding the EA from my wife for 8 weeks.... things were progressing to PA and she freaked and blew the lid off to my wife so she could be the good one... and me the bad one.....


Or maybe OW is obsessed with you and she wants you just for herself. 
And because you were the cheater in the relantionship you got to be the villain in the story and not her ( even though she is quilty as well but not as quilty as you) in yours wife view.

Just saying....


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It would seem that others have not mastered your ability to interact without attachment.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> It would seem that others have not mastered your ability to interact without attachment.


please explain in yoda terms, I'm a Star Wars guy myself


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

Well I know I was wrong but I had enough of this ****.... she goes or I go.... EVERYONE has told wife to release her. but she won't she is afraid that if she cannot keep tabs on her she will try something .. I told her there is no way.... ***** is nuts can you imagine if this was PA ? I hate to say it but it would be on 20/20

is there a possibility that this OW became attached to me somehow... if so why did she freak out? but then again we may never know since she is crazy


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

It is almost stalker like behavior.

I know if my husband was trying to hook up with my best friend, the friend would go immediately if I wanted to work things out with him. Otherwise, the husband would be right behind her.

I guess like she said she is trying to keep her in control, but you cannot control another person. You aren't with them 24X7.

What a mess.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

mess is right..... therapist tell wife to get rid of her... I know I have a long way to go to repairing the damage I did , but this women keeps trying to damage her.... and me I think.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

where_are_we said:


> It is almost stalker like behavior.
> 
> I know if my husband was trying to hook up with my best friend, the friend would go immediately if I wanted to work things out with him. Otherwise, the husband would be right behind her.
> 
> ...



I do not think that OW "wants" me.... she might be jealous of what wife has.... she is single..... who knows... I was just messing with her.... and she took everything I said as gospel... the funny thing is she tells wife I am a liar and she does not believe anything I say..... BUT some things I said to her she chooses to believe, it's what ever suits her.... 

She asked wife how she can remain friends with her when wife is living a lie and marriage is a sham and I'm a cheater .... I'm like hello ***** you're the OW ? She takes no responsibility for her actions , says she was only trying to help the marriage by talking to me about having affairs, watching porn, getting drunk together.... once I started calling her and we were going to meet , she flipped... now she hates even the thought of me..... ha..... sounds like she got attached and is now pissed off that I played with her emotions and wants me to suffer as well

the worst part is that my wife has to go through this..... wife is constantly showing me pics and asking me if I miss her.... I'm like ... no I don't I just wanted to see if I could get her hooked...... playing a game is all, ego boost.... etc....


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

quiesedba said:


> I do not think that OW "wants" me.... she might be jealous of what wife has.... she is single..... who knows... I was just messing with her.... and she took everything I said as gospel... the funny thing is she tells wife I am a liar and she does not believe anything I say..... BUT some things I said to her she chooses to believe, it's what ever suits her....
> 
> She asked wife how she can remain friends with her when wife is living a lie and marriage is a sham and I'm a cheater .... I'm like hello ***** you're the OW ? She takes no responsibility for her actions , says she was only trying to help the marriage by talking to me about having affairs, watching porn, getting drunk together.... once I started calling her and we were going to meet , she flipped... now she hates even the thought of me..... ha..... sounds like she got attached and is now pissed off that I played with her emotions and wants me to suffer as well
> 
> the worst part is that my wife has to go through this..... wife is constantly showing me pics and asking me if I miss her.... I'm like ... no I don't I just wanted to see if I could get her hooked...... playing a game is all, ego boost.... etc....


Your marriage is not going to recover if you aren't going to accept responsibility. You are blaming the OW for the affair. It takes TWO. 

You are surprised the OW believed you? Unless you have a reputation for a liar, why WOULDN'T she believe what you told her? You were just "messing" with her? What an ass. You don't deserve either of them.

The OW certainly contributed. But you BOTH crossed some major boundaries. I agree the OW doesn't want you. But she doesn't want you to walk away unharmed by this after SHE was harmed. You TOYED with her emotions. 

As to not talking about your childhood - you are not committed to IC. Every aspect of a person impacts who we become. Your childhood can certainly have a huge impact on your ability to connect emotionally. You can't just keep patching a wall and have it remain solid. Sometimes you have to rip the plaster off down to the studs and rebuild. You just want to keep working on the patchwork.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Your marriage is not going to recover if you aren't going to accept responsibility. You are blaming the OW for the affair. It takes TWO.
> 
> You are surprised the OW believed you? Unless you have a reputation for a liar, why WOULDN'T she believe what you told her? You were just "messing" with her? What an ass. You don't deserve either of them.
> 
> ...



I agree with you, I have a hard time owning up to what I did... OW is nuts as well... I thought we were just teasing each other.... ok that's a lie, I was trying to get in her pants and hoping I could get away with it... 

As far as childhood, really do not want to go there... I have talked about it some in IC.... when I think about it I just end up staring at a wall ... it's not productive. 

So when a man tells a women things they want o believe it right...? I should have not told her how pretty I thought she was , or that she gets me... or that I think about her all the time..? I should have been telling my wife those things. 

I agree OW is having a hard time because she is afraid of losing wife as a friend... so she wants me to suffer as well... and see's wife letting me off the hook. 

I'm skating on thin ice. The only thing that helped me was that wife does really believe shes nuts so she thinks if it was anyone else then she would bolt.... but since it's the crazy friend... she's giving me some benefit of the doubt.

"Sometimes you have to rip the plaster off down to the studs and rebuild. You just want to keep working on the patchwork" 

scary stuff...


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

quiesedba said:


> please explain in yoda terms, I'm a Star Wars guy myself


Love or love not. There is no try.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

quiesedba said:


> I agree with you, I have a hard time owning up to what I did... OW is nuts as well... I thought we were just teasing each other.... ok that's a lie, I was trying to get in her pants and hoping I could get away with it...
> 
> As far as childhood, really do not want to go there... I have talked about it some in IC.... when I think about it I just end up staring at a wall ... it's not productive.
> 
> ...


Have you ever watched Good Will Hunting? It is based on a real story. It took a LONG time to go from staring at a wall to finally tearing down the wall. Rebuilding goes pretty quickly after that. Scary, yes. Your marriage may depend on it because you have to face the past to figure out how to change the future.

Traumatic events often have a way of creating roadblocks to a healthy, happy future. 

Just as noone has ever said they wished they spent more time at the office, noone also ever says they were glad they put off facing their demons. You have to open the wounds to drain the necrotic tissue before you can heal and be whole. Yes, it will be scary as hell being so utterly vulnerable. But it's that vulnerability that just might give you the most fulfilling connection with your wife that you've ever had.


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Have you ever watched Good Will Hunting? It is based on a real story. It took a LONG time to go from staring at a wall to finally tearing down the wall. Rebuilding goes pretty quickly after that. Scary, yes. Your marriage may depend on it because you have to face the past to figure out how to change the future.
> 
> Traumatic events often have a way of creating roadblocks to a healthy, happy future.
> 
> Just as noone has ever said they wished they spent more time at the office, noone also ever says they were glad they put off facing their demons. You have to open the wounds to drain the necrotic tissue before you can heal and be whole. Yes, it will be scary as hell being so utterly vulnerable. But it's that vulnerability that just might give you the most fulfilling connection with your wife that you've ever had.



My wife does not know about it.... I have not told anyone. therapist knows he said he sees it in me wants me to talk about it... I don't want to talk about it... it was a long time ago, I have forgiven her she was not that old back then anyway a kid herself... its' not like it was an adult...... and I'm not sure it is having an impact on me today... I don't want to use this as some lamo excuse. 

I have always treated women like this... I get them , then I cannot get further emotionally because of the wall ....... I will let wife in 90% but that 10% is off limits. And how would wife know if shes getting 100% or 90% 

I mean you think i want people knowing this? my kids ? I am a 6'4 225 pound man


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## itbeme (May 2, 2015)

whatever happened in your childhood, good ,bad or indifferent makes who you are today. Doesn't need to be shared with all you know, But, should be shared with your therapist and your wife.(so you can heal) As for the OW Bff she needs to go. Her only interest is in herself. As long as she is in either your or BW life and ear the two of you cannot rebuild.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

quiesedba said:


> My wife does not know about it.... I have not told anyone. therapist knows he said he sees it in me wants me to talk about it... I don't want to talk about it... it was a long time ago, I have forgiven her she was not that old back then anyway a kid herself... its' not like it was an adult...... and I'm not sure it is having an impact on me today... I don't want to use this as some lamo excuse.
> 
> I have always treated women like this... I get them , then I cannot get further emotionally because of the wall ....... I will let wife in 90% but that 10% is off limits. And how would wife know if shes getting 100% or 90%
> 
> I mean you think i want people knowing this? my kids ? I am a 6'4 225 pound man


It obviously DOES still affect you, and it doesn't matter if you have forgiven the person who hurt you. It's not lame. It's life and it's being human and vulnerable. The fact you know you put up a wall is proof that it has impacted you in a hurtful way (whatever "it" is). Don't give your abuser the power of an excuse (she was young, too) and don't give her the power of limiting your relationships to 90%. Don't you deserve 100%? Don't we all?

Your kids don't need to know. Unless this person has access to them. The fact you are a big guy means nothing. People of all sizes can be manipulated in a number of ways - with fear, shame, desire, love or withdrawal of love... manipulation isn't always physical and no one is immune, not even big ole strapping men.

Your wife knows she's only getting 90%. Trust me on that. You assume your wife isn't as intuitive as you are. Don't insult her emotional intelligence. Women are highly perceptive; more so than men, and studies prove that. The area of our brain that can read emotion (including shutting down/lack of emotion) is more highly developed in women. 

You will not lose her respect or her love if you already have those. You can keep putting on a facade if you want. But why lead a life at 90%? Why have a marriage at 90%? Why does someone who hurt you, damaged you, deserve 10% of you? 

PS - a *reason* for something vs. an *excuse *for something are two different things. And you may find out it's not a reason OR an excuse. But why keep secrets from the one you should be able to bare your soul to?


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