# Growing up trusting...



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Infidelity leaves lasting scars on your children, well into adulthood. Parents need to be mindful of what they are modeling to their children about marriage.
I say this so that those thinking of cheating, realize that the betrayed spouse is not the only one who suffers. Being unfaithful is a hurricane that leaves devastating damage forever.
Trusting my husband has been a constant battle for me. All I ever saw was men bragging about cheating. Jamaican culture encourages men to sleep around; wives are expected to put up with it, even when husbands have kids outside of the marriage!

Obviously, women cheat too. It's just that my reality was different from that fact.
My husband deserves to be trusted, because I haven't caught him cheating yet. My subconcious only allows irrational and emotionally based beliefs, formed by experiences.
I can still hear glass breaking on the night the husband of my father's OW called. I can still hear my mother talking about suicide, weeping at night and I can vividly see the weight loss. I can still hear the tape of my father talking to the OW on the phone, as it was repeatedly played at high volume by my mother.
Your children deserve to become adults that can trust their spouses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, I've got quite the opposite going on in my house. My daughters (who are teenagers) feel that cheating is okay. Their dad cheated and completely destroyed our lives. However, both daughters take up for the scum bag by saying he had a right to his happiness. In addition, I've been told by them that I can't force a person to stay in a relationship. Oh, I hate to see how their relationships will go as well. I guess trust won't be bothering them. Now, as for me? I will probably NEVER trust again.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

827Aug said:


> Well, I've got quite the opposite going on in my house. My daughters (who are teenagers) feel that cheating is okay. Their dad cheated and completely destroyed our lives. However, both daughters take up for the scum bag by saying he had a right to his happiness. In addition, I've been told by them that I can't force a person to stay in a relationship. Oh, I hate to see how their relationships will go as well. I guess trust won't be bothering them. Now, as for me? I will probably NEVER trust again.


Really? I am sorry to read/hear that! My grandfather had an affair on my grandmother after 45 years of marriage. I still loved him, but he hurt her. He was in the wrong. (they did end up back together). My mom thought my father was cheating on her a couple of times, and I warned my mom I would would probably deck him if that ended up being true.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mrs G --

Why in the world would I tell my children about their fathers past infidelity?? Why would I ever do that?? That doesn't make any sense to me. They are 6 and 8. What business do they have knowing about it? None. It isn't their cross to bear. So no, it will not scar my children. This has nothing to do with his abilities as a father, only his ability as a husband.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Mrs G --
> 
> Why in the world would I tell my children about their fathers past infidelity?? Why would I ever do that?? That doesn't make any sense to me. They are 6 and 8. What business do they have knowing about it? None. It isn't their cross to bear. So no, it will not scar my children. This has nothing to do with his abilities as a father, only his ability as a husband.


Obviously, if you keep it from them, it can't hurt them. Although children are surprisingly perceptive about parents being unhappy with each other. 
You have a sensible attitude about what your babies need to know. We were 9,12, 19 and 24.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I have reason to believe that my mother may have cheated on my father after about 5 years of marriage. No one has ever told me, but I have heard 2 comments (just TWO) that aren't conclusive but lead me to believe it happened.

They got back together after a 9 month separation.

When my mother grew ill, I have reason to believe that my father was cheating on her. He had long business trips and my mother seemed miserable. Before her passing, she was talking about divorcing him. 3 months after her death, my father brought home a woman he was strangely comfortable with for just having lost my mom. So, you do the math.

However, no one has flat out TOLD me. I suspected. I put puzzle pieces together. I don't think its acceptable at all.

My uncle was found having an affair with a woman that lasted 15 years of their marriage. When my aunt discovered this, she immediately divorced him. My uncle won't talk to us now since we still talk to our aunt and cousins...and the funny thing? My uncle is the blood relative, and my aunt is the one who married in.

Whether you tell your children or not, they will know. They find out. They have suspicons. They know when something is wrong and when something is being hidden. They see their parent's reactions and behaviors and they weigh in the pieces. Either way, the outcome is devistating to both adult and child alike.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Whether you tell your children or not, they will know. They find out. They have suspicons. They know when something is wrong and when something is being hidden. They see their parent's reactions and behaviors and they weigh in the pieces. Either way, the outcome is devistating to both adult and child alike.


This is so very true. I don't care how good you are at putting on airs, you can't hide an affair forever. That's almost like hiding a death in the family. Gee, dad doesn't come home some nights until midnight and mom is crying all the time--plus the two of them are fighting. How are you going to hide that? I went with my therapist's advice on that one; I told my teenagers. Many experts agree that children should be included in the "disclosure" step of unveiling an affair.


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> I went with my therapist's advice on that one; I told my teenagers. Many experts agree that children should be included in the "disclosure" step of unveiling an affair.


I didn't tell my 3 teenagers about my husband's affair until it became clear he wasn't going to give up the OW, at which point I told him to leave home. I said he had to tell them why he was going - at first he was just going to say "Mum and me aren't getting along" but I insisted that he tell them the truth, i.e. that "I have met someone else". They took it pretty well considering, at least it was a clear reason for why he was going, not some vague reason they would always have wondered about, or possibly felt they had caused.

Interestingly, he told me later that telling the children is what shocked him into reality and made him realise what he was doing, and exactly what he would be losing, if he continued his affair.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Squiffy said:


> I didn't tell my 3 teenagers about my husband's affair until it became clear he wasn't going to give up the OW, at which point I told him to leave home. I said he had to tell them why he was going - at first he was just going to say "Mum and me aren't getting along" but I insisted that he tell them the truth, i.e. that "I have met someone else". They took it pretty well considering, at least it was a clear reason for why he was going, not some vague reason they would always have wondered about, or possibly felt they had caused.


When my husband moved out, he told our children it was because of the fighting and that he was unhappy. In his eyes his adulterous behavior had nothing to do with the tension in the house. I actually didn't tell the children what he had done until three months after he left. 



Squiffy said:


> Interestingly, he told me later that telling the children is what shocked him into reality and made him realise what he was doing, and exactly what he would be losing, if he continued his affair.


According to my therapist that's exactly what that disclosure is supposed to do. I'm glad it worked for you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sorta glad this came up... 

and I've done some searches to try to find an answer...

I can't decide what the best way of handling this is. My W has been cheating on me for 2 years. My son is 3 Years old. Long story short, we are CERTAINLY getting divorced... I don't know how much and what I should tell him... 

Ive heard many angles on this... telling the whole truth, telling him what he can understand, not telling him anything at all about the cheating mommy, etc, etc...

I just dont know what the healthiest thing to tell him is...


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I think you have to take into considerations the child's age and how much they can understand, and how much they can handle. At this time, I would just say that "We are breaking up". If he asks why, suppliment him with an answer he is capable of understanding. He doesn't know anything outside of his ABC's yet and probably won't understand the complications that come along with being an adult.

I wouldn't lie, but telling him the entire truth all at once right now won't do him any good.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Sorta glad this came up...
> 
> and I've done some searches to try to find an answer...
> 
> ...


I honestly don't see any reason to tell a child that young anything. A child that young should get to enjoy his childhood innocence--and have trust.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

No, I agree. But if the child asks questions, I believe you should be honest with them in the best way possible. My sister went through a divorce when my niece was 3 and when my niece asked where daddy was, she replied "We broke up".

What she DIDN'T tell her was that she divorced her father because she discovered evidence that he was a child molester (not againts my niece yet though), he refused to get a job, wouldn't watch his own child, and when he did, would lock her in a closet.

Theres more to the story but you get the idea. They deserve their innocence, but they also need the truth...in poritions that they can cope with and understand.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This thread is drifting off topic. Let's try to focus on Mrs.G's original post. It is about children being exposed to their parent's infidelity and what impact that has on them being trusting adults.

No need to worry--a three year old child will not understand about a cheating mother. He needs to simply know mommy and daddy are not together anymore. But, he should be reassured that he is loved and made to feel secure. When he is much older, and asks, then you may want to tell him more. Especially as that pertains to becoming a moral person.

m25, I have given you your own thread,http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/23986-trust-issues.html#post291862 . I just can't see your post relating to the parameters of Mrs. G's original question posed. 

I really wish more members who had cheating parents while growing up would give us more insight. It's an interesting topic.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

JazzTango2Step said:


> .
> Whether you tell your children or not, they will know. They find out. They have suspicons. They know when something is wrong and when something is being hidden. They see their parent's reactions and behaviors and they weigh in the pieces. Either way, the outcome is devistating to both adult and child alike.


Nope, sorry. My H cheated while he was off in a school, no schedule changes, no guesswork. He was already having huge PTSD problems before the affair, so if anything my kids will remember his PTSD, but know nothing of the affair. Nor will they ever.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

827Aug said:


> This thread is drifting off topic. Let's try to focus on Mrs.G's original post. It is about children being exposed to their parent's infidelity and what impact that has on them being trusting adults.
> 
> No need to worry--a three year old child will not understand about a cheating mother. He needs to simply know mommy and daddy are not together anymore. But, he should be reassured that he is loved and made to feel secure. When he is much older, and asks, then you may want to tell him more. Especially as that pertains to becoming a moral person.
> 
> ...


Thank you my dear! I do what I can.


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