# Unhappy with marriage...can't leave



## Drjr (Mar 12, 2014)

I have been very unhappy in my marriage for a very long time. Unfortunately my wife is now disabled and suffers from chronic pain to which there is no end in sight.

I feel i am very supportive, attentive and work very hard for her to have as best of a life as possible.

Problem is she is angry at her situation, depressed, refuses to talk to anyone about it, and worse has given up on working on our relationship. There is no physical contact (it hurts her) and i get no emotional support from her. She is afraid of being alone, yet hates people so I am not allowed to gave friends or family over and any time i want to do things without her (often things she can no loger do like skiing or biking) it is a fight.

It has been over 7 years since she was able to work, and over 10 years since the injury occurred.
I am tired of living in a one sided relationship...yet i feel that i cannot leave her as she is almost 100% dependent on me.

What to do?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Get someone to help you take care of her and get out once in a while and go live your life.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is unfortunate that this has happened to you and your wife. Sounds like she is punishing you for her misfortune which is normal for many chronically ill people. You may feel that you deserve it because you could not prevent her condition or help her to heal. That is a very normal reaction of a caretaker. But this dynamic is increditably damaging to you and your wife. 

You take good care of her but you take the brunt of her anger and the pain of her need for solitude. It won't be much longer before you burn out. Either you will get sick or you will just leave. Either way , she will lose you. 

Embrace life. It's the only way that you will be able to stay in her life in any capacity. You don't have to stay isolated, you don't have to be the target of her anger and you don't have to give up all of the activities you like. 

Caretakers need to take care of themselves too. There are agencies that offer help to caretakers. They can arrange for home health care, coordinate medical care, offer IC and support. There are groups for caretakers that offer suport. You want to work at not feeling guilty that you are well and she is not. 

Then you will be able to leave her in the care of a good aide and go skiing. If she gets angry you will also know what to say. "If I cannot take care of me, I will not be able to take care of you "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

Drjr said:


> I have been very unhappy in my marriage for a very long time. Unfortunately my wife is now disabled and suffers from chronic pain to which there is no end in sight.
> 
> I feel i am very supportive, attentive and work very hard for her to have as best of a life as possible.
> 
> ...


You are a kind and responsible husband. It must be very hard for both of you and your wife. Chronic pain is terrible. I feel very sorry for your wife to be in pain for such a long time. Does she have a pain management specialist to help her chronic pain? Physical discomforts can contribute to her anger and depression. 

If she cannot cope with her situation effectively, do you think she will agree to see a counselor? have you discussed with her about this option? I am sure your wife is not the only person who is disabled and has chronic pain. There are other people with similar situations, she can join a support group with these people to help her. 

What kind of help does she need at home? Can you make a list of things that she can or cannot perform? If she can perform a task within her physical abilities, please let her do it because it would help increase her sense of independence. Does she have an occupational therapist or physical therapist to help her achieve her highest level of physical function? Being able to perform activities of daily living will really help her mental well being.

Do you or your wife have a family member that can help with her care? If not, you can find some local respite care services to help so that you can rest. You need to take care of yourself too. 

Please be strong. I wish you all the best of luck.


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## Drjr (Mar 12, 2014)

Thanks for the kind words.

I have tried getting her to speak with someone or go to a support group. She refuses "as that will not help her" and she seems to think that the problem is only physical. She refuses to address the depression she has.

Since before i met her she has been strong willed, independant and has never liked people having to do things for her. So she still resents the fact at she cannot do it all, and is angry that she has to ask for help.

I have brought up respite in the past which was met with anger, depression, silent treatment...etc. i just don't know how to tell her that i need some time for myself. When i used to go a way for work (4-5 days twice a year) it was such a disaster at home, no one could help her properly, everything goes wrong, etc... I have told my work i cannot travel anymore - which will lead to missed job oppertunities. And if i ever suggest she goes and visits her sister it becomes another huge fight. She thinks that i just want ro get rid of her.

I work two jobs, one of which is very emotionally draining (working wit the elderly, people with dementia, people in late stages of life) and then i come home and have to take care of her, which i don't mind, i am gald i can be there for her. It is the resentment i cannot stand. 

I am afraid one day i will have a breakdown. I do not know how much longer i can deal with this. Yet the thought of leaving her nakes me sick inside.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Drjr you are in a field where you are in contact with many caretakers. Many burned out or about to be. What do you council? 

Sit yourself down and come up with an action plan for Mr. Drjr. It needs to include support to get him through the anger that his wife is directing at him, a plan for regular periods of personal time, short and long and a plan for the future, if she gets to the point where she cannot be left alone. 

IOW, what would you tell Mr. Drjr if he were your client?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Once she's gotten to this emotional stage, it stops being your problem if she is happy any more. Meaning, if you need to get her a helper, get her a helper. For YOUR sanity. Put your own oxygen mask first, you know? 

You don't have to leave her, but you DO have to maintain YOUR life. Have your friends over. Go to see your friends. Connect with family. Let her see you doing these things and she will slowly change to adapt.


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## Drjr (Mar 12, 2014)

Thanks for the advice, 
It will take some work but i hope we can make it through this.

J


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You have to set boundaries to maintain your sanity. She can complain all she likes, but you need a life and some social contact.

I think you will have to put your foot down and tell her that you will be biking or skiing or visiting friends occasionally. LET her get mad, if she does then she has a major problem. Don't be a doormat.

You only have one life and she has more than a physical problem if she wants to keep you on such a short leash. 

Keep doing it and eventually she'll have to get used to it. You didn't sign up to be a slave. It's bad enough she won't try to accommodate some sort of sex life, but to expect you to have do no sports or visit friends/family is ludicrous!


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Drjr said:


> I have been very unhappy in my marriage for a very long time. Unfortunately my wife is now disabled and suffers from chronic pain to which there is no end in sight.
> 
> I feel i am very supportive, attentive and work very hard for her to have as best of a life as possible.
> 
> ...


Whoa. This is a scary post. This is how I can see me being in 7-10 years.

Wife the same. Fibromyalgia.

We've got a small child. I seem to go to work then have to take over as soon as I get home. Of course then weekends I get no free time because she feels shes had the baby all week and needs a rest.

Good luck. You sound a decent fella.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Zombie thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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