# A lifetime in counseling?



## no1.daddy2kids

I have been reading relationship and spiritual books on marriage and thinking of my own messed up situation. I have made an observation - if my wife and I get thru this mess, or if I move forward with another relationship, I may insist on some form of counseling each and every year. It seems to me that marriage in the 21st century is destined to fail, as our lives seem to get more and more hectic every day. I feel that if we don't force ourselves to connect somehow, we never will. It just seems that it would be too easy to fall into the trap of doing the same thing every day and forget about your spouse and their needs. I know that seems cruel and many may say that will never happen to us. It was part of the issues in my marriage. I always figured we would work it out somehow, sometime. Well, things may be over damaged now. I really hope not, but it may be.

Does anyone else feel this way, or am I a wierdo! (that may be two separate issues)


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## Blanca

i hear ya, daddy. i feel the same way. this is exactly what i was telling my H the other day. he's content to play video games all night. he thinks that because things are good right now, that it will stay that way. 

but im with you all the way. if one isnt constantly learning about the relationship, learning about oneself, and applying new ideas to the relationship, the relationship will fail.


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## Corpuswife

Well I agree with connecting every so often. Counseling is a way, but so are marriage enrichment workshops, marriage retreats, self help books (both of you read and discuss), etc.

Once you get through a crisis...you never want it to happen again. It makes you alert. I hope to get through mine!!


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## no1.daddy2kids

Corpuswife: Yeah, I guess that is more along the lines I was thinking of. SOMETHING to force the couple out of the day to day and think of each other, work on each other, communicate with each other, renew the commitments. I feel that it is so easy to fall into the trap of what goes on everyday that the relationship suffers. In my case, I retreated because of what I thought she needed was not received. Somehow, I always thought that it would get better, but never worked on things. We just went through the daily motions. Obviously that did not work. 

Whatever my next relationship is, either a renewal with my wife or someone else in my future, I think this is needed.


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## Sensitive

I think all marriage requires active commitment. It doesn't mean we need a professional counselor as a maintenance check-up. If we know our lives are busy with work or kids, then it makes complete sense to devote free time to the marriage, and not to yourself. I am very guilty of devoting my whole life to planning ideas on how to make the kids happy. It never crossed my mind to plan happy things for my husband. On the other hand, he plans things for himself first. We are in counseling, but no progress yet. He thinks we should only go to help me feel better. Books and retreats might be better for us. Good luck.


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## no1.daddy2kids

I would imagine that as you get more into it, after maybe 5 years, or so, it would not have to be so frequent. Still, based on my current (ending) marriage, I wish I had been so enlightened.


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## mikey

you are absolutely right daddy#1, If I had done even a few sessions sincerely my marriage wouldn't have come to this stage.

I promise myself to see some kind of counseling every year even after I reconcile with my wife.

'sincere' counseling with a 'knowledgeable' counselor can help you nip your issues in the bud.


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## voivod

it's amazing. we change oil on a car every 3 months, timing belt/chain every 60,000 miles. but we never do professional maintenance on our marriages. and we drive HARD.


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## poetprose

no1.daddy2kids said:


> I have been reading relationship and spiritual books on marriage and thinking of my own messed up situation. I have made an observation - if my wife and I get thru this mess, or if I move forward with another relationship, I may insist on some form of counseling each and every year. It seems to me that marriage in the 21st century is destined to fail, as our lives seem to get more and more hectic every day. I feel that if we don't force ourselves to connect somehow, we never will. It just seems that it would be too easy to fall into the trap of doing the same thing every day and forget about your spouse and their needs. I know that seems cruel and many may say that will never happen to us. It was part of the issues in my marriage. I always figured we would work it out somehow, sometime. Well, things may be over damaged now. I really hope not, but it may be.
> 
> Does anyone else feel this way, or am I a wierdo! (that may be two separate issues)


if you have the want the means and the tools!! APPLY !! husband wanted..... do you know how many people do not have the insight you have , and lose because of this tidbit of wisdom!!

work it ,


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## no1.daddy2kids

> it's amazing. we change oil on a car every 3 months, timing belt/chain every 60,000 miles. but we never do professional maintenance on our marriages. and we drive HARD.


Great observation! I never thought of that and I work in automotive! Its true though. As another said, if we had a few professional sessions earlier, maybe we would not be in the boat we are in right now. I really think that. By the time I finally woke up, it was just too late. 

I guess these observations and learnings are here to make my next relationship a much greater one. I sure hope...

As I have said before and others have said too, Thanks everyone.... sometimes you just need to be told you are not crazy (and sometimes you need to be told you are!)


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## preso

For some people ongoing counseling is a good idea.

Would be of no benefit for me or in my marriage as we seem to be able to work out our issues without a 3rd party. Could be due to the training we had in our field of work as to being able to get to the problems and resolve them.
Some people are just not good at knowing how they feel, get easily confused or hurt... and should seek counseling as a long term option not only for marriage but mostly for themselves.

Just don't think because you go to counseling it will mean you find a good relationship with anyone, including yourself. 
It is VERY hard to find a good therapist that would be worth investing all that time and counseling money on. Most I have found... are not very good and have issues far worse than you can imagine, maybe why they are drawn into that line of work, seeing to resolve some of their own.

I believe your relationship with your creator ( god or whoever) can help more than any therapist or counselor... and go a lot further
in all ways.


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## Loving Husband

Once we accept divorce as a way of life this will be an ongoing issue. We fail to work in our marriages once we say I do. I am 100% guilty of this. Yet I feel once kids are involved the games are over. It is no longer your life. It is your kids lives. I feel at that point its your responsibility to raise your kids the proper way to give them a better shot at a happy life and marriage. Your mistakes should never interfere with them. So yeah I would say MC all the time if you can't seem to fix it yourselves. Nothing wrong with getting outside info..


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## WantsHappiness

no1.daddy2kids said:


> Great observation! I never thought of that and I work in automotive! Its true though. As another said, if we had a few professional sessions earlier, maybe we would not be in the boat we are in right now. I really think that. By the time I finally woke up, it was just too late.
> 
> I guess these observations and learnings are here to make my next relationship a much greater one. I sure hope...
> 
> As I have said before and others have said too, Thanks everyone.... sometimes you just need to be told you are not crazy (and sometimes you need to be told you are!)


My husband and I have been married for two years and will be having our 8th counseling session tonight. Things were bad when we started but not nearly as bad as they would have become had we not entered counseling when we did. Unhealthy patterns take time to develop and I do believe that if they’re not nipped in the bud from the start they’ll only get worse. 

This doesn’t necessarily mean a lifetime of counseling though. I think that counselors are there to give us the tools to use in our lives and it’s up to us to use those tools. When discussing a set of relationship problems they usually relate back to a couple major issues and there are only so many tools to use for any given issue, if that makes any sense. I definitely agree that a relationship checkup once in awhile, even in the good times, is a great idea!


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## martino

I would think that going to counseling as a preventative measure could back fire. Spouses might start looking for problems. The root of the problem is always when one or both don't actively and openly communicate issues. I think that the "Love Languages" is a good concept because you are both simply taking a written inventory on what is most reinforcing for yourself....and isn't that what we all want in some form or fashion? reinforcement? problem is when that reinforcement comes from a FB friend, a work friend EA, a video game addiction (which I think is crazy.) then you end up posting problems here.


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## martino

No #1 I also hope you are doing something for yourself to help get through this? maybe a hobby? posting here i'm sure is helping a lot, but I think one can't afford to obsess on the situation either. I'm certainly not implying that you are, just saying I hope you are finding some balance in your life to keep your sanity.


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## voivod

counseling gets me from here.....to...here.

i need it to get me from here...............to............here.


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## MariaBella

Ongoing counseling would focus too much attention on every little issue in the marriage, and that is looking for trouble. Not everything requires fixing. Nobody tells you this when you are a young couple just starting out, but there are times in a marriage (and parenting, and just life in general) that you just have to get through. Nothing will fix it or make it fun, you just have to endure because it's something you value.


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## no1.daddy2kids

As I mentioned before, maybe not marriage counseling in a divorce sense, but some type of, almost forced time to CONNECT where you are guided to listen to each other and express things that, if left to a simple vacation, you probably would not get to. I don't know if this exists, as my marriage has fallen apart. With all the mess we deal with day in and day out, looking back it was so easy to neglect the "us" in the marriage to take care of everything else. Even if you do value it, its hard to do everything without being prodded.


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## WantsHappiness

voivod said:


> counseling gets me from here.....to...here.
> 
> i need it to get me from here...............to............here.


I can totally relate to this, I think. Counseling has given my husband and I all of the tools we need to succeed but I soon realized that it’s up to us to put those tools to use in order to reach that next level. A wrench doesn’t to anyone any good just sitting around, you have to use it in order to build something. I don’t doubt that counseling just won’t work for some people but it’s not a cure-all for anyone and that’s one fact that I was initially mistaken about. 

It’s like No.1 pointed out. We have the ability to put the effort in, it just becomes easy to let it fall by the wayside when life happens.


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## Malibu17

Unfortunately, in some cases, counseling can actually make things worse for the relationship, instead of better. It has a different outcome for everyone, depending on the issues and circumstances.


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