# Is my wife entitled or is it in my head?



## Bobby35 (Apr 6, 2018)

Hi There,

I wonder if I could have some advice or if I'm making a big thing up in my head?

I've been with my wife for 5 years, married for 1 and we now have a delightful baby boy. We've had a very very hard year with so many tough external factors. Really I think my life has been so easy for the past decade, but now with stress I think it has opened my eyes up a little. I love my wonderful wife to pieces and know that is mutual. Unfortunately, in the last six months I do now get the sense she is unconsciously very entitled, and is very good at getting her own way. I suspect without any prior stress it hasn't shown up and perhaps this also allowed me to have blinkers on my eyes. Worse, for the first time ever I also get the sense she is holding me back.

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We are very similar in in personality, both of us were very good academically when younger, and both of us had sporting based scholarships to college as well. The difference being that she had a rough upbringing with a mentally abusing and controlling father. Where in our twenties I worked very hard on studies survived a PhD and built up a career with a very good salary and prospects. On the other hand her childhood caught up with her and dropped out of college and needed to get herself right. (long before we met and she has mostly slayed her depression and anxiety issues) 

I was aware from early in our relationship I would have to carry a lot more of the financial load. I was OK and knowingly accepted there would be big sacrifices in my possible lifestyle. (My salary is 2.5x hers) I have never made sacrifices expecting something back, Though I can assure you I'd be a lot further along career wise, have better toys, traveled more and have my own house by now. I've been ok with all those sacrifices to provides things important to her. In an absolute sense, she lives a very subsidized life and she gets her wish to be a stay at home mum because of my toils. I'm again OK with that, but there is no way it would be possible if I pulled her salary and just some respect on that front would be nice.

What is getting me now, I get the impression she actually takes it all for granted and seems like she has an automatic right to anything she wants. Yes, I think some of that is my fault. The skill she has learnt from a controlling father is to not back down and she can be incredibly stubborn and persistent, thou its a trait rather than intentional. 

Unfortunately I've most certainly let her get her own way far to many times as I couldn't be bothered with the fight and never really cared strongly on any individual basis. In the past, it has always meant something similar to holiday locations, picking rentals, or getting a new outdoor setting over a new welder etc... Nowdays its wanting a unneeded bigger house, with pool and in a nicer location that also includes a much longer commute, me having to drop my hobbies, bubs absolutely "needs" the best of everything, wanting reduce retirement savings, wanting to put off a house purchase, and even looking at getting holiday on student loan repayments; all really to priorities immediate money for her wants. My take home pay is well in excess of what is required to live a comfortable life with a growing future, she just wants everything right now and also wants to stay home. There is just no compromise.

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If I bring up these concerns, I get attacked for not being supportive and accused of all sorts of things such as not loving her, or putting myself first. I'm now effectively a slave going to work to get her money, and stuck in a perpetual ground hog day as I've completely outgrown my current job. 

The most telling aspect recently is she threw a massive tantrum when for the first actual time I requested an actual sacrifice on her behalf. I have been offered a great career move that requires relocation. It would allow her to have everything she currently wants, we could easily buy and service the mortgage on a really nice house, increase disposable income by about $500 a week,I can have my toys back, and provide myself a good career progression for even better future life. Oh and me not being completely bored at work and showing symptoms of depression. Her grand sacrifice would require dealing with an actual white winter....

I'm at a complete loss, I love her to pieces and look forward everyday to coming home, but I will not spend my life as a slave especially when its seems a one way deal. I'm temped to just go, and leave it in her hands if she wants to follow or separate, but I adore my son far to much to risk the later.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

She sounds entitled but you've enabled it to a certain extent. Is she or is she not an SAHM? It was confusing when you mentioned her salary but yet say that she is a sahm.

Of course we are only getting your side of the story but if you have presented yourself correctly I think she should be very grateful that you are willing to be the sole breadwinner in the family so that she can be a sahm. It's not easy to maintain that in these times. Also not many men are willing to even do it. Full disclosure I am a sahm and I know that sometimes I can start to take for granted how hard my H works and the sacrifices he makes so that I can be home with the kids. 

There are huge sacrifices I make too which I won't get into but sometimes they can cause a little resentment on my part. I can usually reset Myself by just talking to myself and requiring myself to make an attitude adjustment.

All that being said my husband does have his methods of tweaking things so that I am well aware that I am blessed and should be grateful. He never says it but he has his tweaking methods. I will just leave it at that LOL


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## USD2018 (Apr 4, 2018)

Regarding the relocation, her tantrum is probably a natural resistance to change. Moving/relocation is SCARY! Well, to me it certainly is. When my fiancé and I considered relocation for a job, we were both oscillating between total fear and excitement for newness. The move would not have advanced us toward our goals more than where we currently live, so the move ultimately was not worth it. In your case, it sounds like the benefits of relocation far outweigh the sacrifices for the whole family. She gets more of what she envisions and you get more fulfillment in your life overall. 

Does she know that you feel stunted at your current work position? If you being the sole earner and her running the household is your system, then I would think that you both would want the other person to be as happy in their role as possible. That way you both have individual fulfillment while being supportive as a team. If you are emotionally (not just financially) supportive of her as a homemaker AND she knows about how you feel at work, but is not willing to compromise on some level, then that means she is entitled.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I am a SAHM, so I understand a lot of the things you are referring to. She does sound a bit spoiled.

Some of the things you want to start doing is addressing everything as a partnership. Make sure you are paying the bills together. Do your budget together. 

The most important thing and do not give up on this to save a fight. You must:

Plan for your retirement. Get those automatic deduction right out of your paycheck, so your wife can never touch that money. 

Start an automatic house buying savings account from one of those online banks so that is taken care of with automatic deduction too.

These are the things you do not bend on. She will thank you later. The best thing I can say to you is to take your wife to see a Financial Planner to discuss your future and what you need to do to reach your goals. Maybe, this will get her out of that spend now mentality.
And live below your means. 


At this time if you don't do any of these things you will never get ahead because you will spend all that you have earned. That means you will have to be able to say, "no, we can't afford this at present". Learn to save for things. 

If she complains about you being selfish, then, explain to her that you are doing this for the future of the family. 

Sit down and talk about the new job posilitibies. Go thru the pros and cons together. Listen to her input. 

You guys have got to work together as a partnership, you are not her father to control her or to spoil her. She is not a child to get a tantrum when she does not get her way. When she gets her entitled attitude that's the time for you to walk away. Revisit the subject when she has calmed down.

Being a SAHM can be depressing. You are dealing with little people all day long and not a whole lot of adult convos. Buying things might be helping her to feel better but it's only a temporary fix. She needs to go out more, meet people by joining mummy groups or just go for a stroll.

And don't ever tell your wife that she is keeping you from earning your full potential because if you guys work together this can be a great. It gives you more time to invest in your career without having to worry about the kids and who is caring for them. 

Good luck.


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

It looks as if shes looking to you to head the household financially, put your needs last and sacrifice for her and the family. With that responsibility comes being able to lead and steer the ship. If she isn't allowing you to make the financial decisions that will benefit the family then she needs to stop relying on your finances and contribute equally.

Essentially you need to grow a backbone and stop letting her call the shots and handle non of the responsibility.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Take the job. From her POV, you can stay at this spot forever, but there are a lot of careers where if you aren't growing your days are numbered. Explain and be nice that this is good for both of you, and essential for you, and that you've done a lot for the two of you. If she behaves like a child, treat her like a child. Tell her misbehaving won't get her her way and you are ready to deal w/ her when she's ready to behave.

If you cave in, you're likely to have a similar moment down the road when your career is a fraction of what it would be if you did this, not to mention she will probably find other ways to walk over you in the meantime. 

Good luck.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

My wife is a SAHM. When I got transferred to a state neither of us wanted to live in, she never complained once. She just accepted it as the price of the career she was supporting.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you live near the families I can understand her wanting to stay there with a new baby. All earnings in a marriage are joint and not hers or yours. How about you look for another job if you hate it so much?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She is way more than entitled, she is a spoilt brat, and some of it is your fault. 

I get it, I spoil my GF's, I like doing it. But if I get the feeling that they don't appreciate it then it stops until we have a talk. 

So I get what you are feeling... but here is the deal.

You need to nip this in the bud, or you are in for a long hall until your divorce. 

You don't need to be controlling or overbearing about it, but you need to man up and explain how it is going to be. 

If you have a big job opportunity that really matters long term, then you say...

"Honey, we are moving." 

You need to take charge of this situation or you will continue to raise 2 children like you are now...


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## Bobby35 (Apr 6, 2018)

Thanks all, it seems very similar to what I'm getting told elsewhere really. 

Think I'm aware I need to nip it in the button. But with external factors have been taking quite a gentle approach recently, and now with opportunity I need to balance minimal time available without becoming to much of a brutal shock. I suspect a sharp and hard shock would enact the stubbornness aspect.

When I say a tantrum I don't mean like a kid. I mean how she has learnt to fire back and never give in to her abusive, controlling and heavily narcissistic father. You have to be very direct,stubbornly firm and uncomfortably quite nasty at times to have him actually stop and listen. You can never really argue with my wife, you'll get nowhere. Basically accept you're going to get head bitten off, but make sure you get the idea into her head in time, let her think about it and often will come to senses. Friends and family laugh how good I'm at that, but it still requires getting an eventual agreeance on her behalf.... I'm also normally very easy going typically, i.e I'm normally happy with most things as long she doesn't leave my tools out in the rain. Really in past I just never heavily cared on individual issues and never noticed the cumulative effect. 



Just to clarify yes she is a stay at home mum. Her salary I'm mentioned was just before taking maternity leave. Now, it isn't like she worked a food service job after leaving college unfinished. She had been going up in analyst roles, several times accidentally getting promoted into leadership roles, each time moving on since not liking the pressure beyond 9-5 role. I understand the reasoning and it doesn't bother me because I know she cant handle length periods of stress. She was actually probably 1.5x the average salary, so that combined with the above also gives you idea how income should never really an issue....


She pretty much seems to have view if within means then ok - also view equal in relationship so has as much right to money as me. I'd agree with that if she didn't take it for granted and had some kind of respect for what I (or have) give up... Her family are actually all accountants, so she is actually a pretty good bean counter.

I believe I'm a good husband. Yes I am quite stoic from factors such as a rural upbringing, hobbies of racing/hunting, but I'm far cry from previous generations in complete lack of emotional intelligence. I'm certainly supportive, affectionate, and have patience for extended melt downs. I'm not a lovely dovey guy, but on the other hand known as bullet proof when situations call for it.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,

YOU helped to create this monster.

The 3 most important pieces of marital advice I have for my children are:
1. Don't get married.
2. If you do get married, then the wife has a job. Full stop. Don't pass go, don't collect 200.She has a damned job even if it's for peanuts. She gets and keeps a job!

3. Don't have children. If you do, then wait a good number of years until you can determine how she handles herself. But she still keeps the =#&&) @=$ job!


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

I am not buying the "controlling abusive father" line........

that's what most spoiled, entitled brats label anyone who doesn't give them what they want. 

this isn't YOUR fault other than not seeing her for what she really is and allowing these nasty behaviors and attitudes to continue.

this is only going to get WORSE as she continues down the path of having everything given to her and when she figures out that when she gets what she wants it doesn't really make her happy....the balms get s laid anywhere but on her.

heavy serious counseling for her is in order. good luck because YOU are going to get blamed for all of her problems.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I take it that your W "learned this behavior" very early in life and succeeded so well in it that she just brought it on with her into adulthood!

That's bad for everybody!*


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I'm not sure you've picked the right battles. Things like retirement, savings, not living beyond your means, etc. are absolutely areas you need to do a much better job of standing your ground and leading in. Those type of entitlements you really need to work on changing. However, relocation is a big deal and not something one partner should dictate to another. People generally have friends and/or families, churches, clubs, routines, etc. and asking them to give up all those things for your job is a big ask. Essentially, you're asking them to potentially worsen several important domains in their life so you can improve one in yours (vocational). 

Now many couples decide that relocation is in their best interest overall, but that's a decision you really need to arrive at jointly. As men, we tend to think our vocation is more important than the relationships in our partner's life, but it's not. You saying the only sacrifice she has to make is dealing with white winters leads me to believe you're dismissing things that might be important to her because they're not important to you. Honestly, this is probably an area where a lot of us men have our values skewed for many different reasons.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> I am not buying the "controlling abusive father" line........
> 
> ...


Actually, I think the research says that children of narcissistic parents often turn out that was as well. Not always, so go the other direction, but a fairly large percentage of them emulate the Narc parent. 

I think this is OP's wife in a nutshell.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You're in a tough spot. My main concern would be that if you divorce her and move, she'll effectively get full custody of the kid, right? I mean there's nothing you can do to compel your ex-wife to move to a different city, and you'll only be able to visit the kid every few weeks or months. It seems like your only choices are to stay married, in the same job, and in your current location, or move and lose access to the kid. If the latter is unacceptable, you have to convince her to move somehow. That might result in spoiling her more with incentives.


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## salparadise (Sep 13, 2016)

Bobby35 said:


> I mean how she has learnt to fire back and never give in to her abusive, controlling and heavily narcissistic father. You have to be very *direct,stubbornly firm and uncomfortably quite nasty at times to have him actually stop and listen. You can never really argue with my wife, you'll get nowhere. Basically accept you're going to get head bitten off*, but make sure you get the idea into her head in time, let her think about it and often will come to senses.
> 
> I'm also normally very easy going typically, i.e I'm normally happy with most things as long she doesn't leave my tools out in the rain. Really in past *I just never heavily cared on individual issues and never noticed the cumulative effect.*
> 
> ...



My ex-wife had similar proclivities, and the dynamic between us was similar as well. She wanted what she wanted, expected me to fund it without much regard for a long-term strategy. She had no financial discipline and we could never talk about money rationally. I tried to explain that budgeting was nothing more than making our choices consciously with the long game in mind... but she only viewed it as sacrificing what she wants right now. She had no ability to delay gratification. It drove her nuts to have cash in a bank account that she couldn't access. 

I was the easy going guy who avoided conflict and she was only too willing to use similarly aggressive tactics to get her way. I kept giving up little pieces of myself, and my dreams, to maintain domestic homeostasis. She was also from a dysfunctional family with a nasty, critical, domineering parent (the mother).

I am seeing a pattern here that you seem to be largely unaware of. Her tactics are not merely learned behaviors, they are personality features. You mentioned her tantrums, but then minimized them and patted yourself on the back for being able to endue them until they pass. But you're not just sidestepping conflict, you're giving up pieces of yourself. You're already feeling diminished but haven't been able to name it. Do the tantrums occur at fairly regular intervals, like two weeks, four weeks, six weeks? Does she apologize or act like it never happened? Are these tantrums for your eyes only, or does she treat others to the spectacle? Do they only happen in response to legitimate issues, or is any resistance (failure to concede) apt to set one off? 

Here's the deal... you are going to have to take control of the finances, and since you're the breadwinner and have topped out in your current position you're going to have to take the leap against her resistance and not feel bad about it. The alternative is to stagnate right where you are... and you'll get blamed for that too. She has the luxury of enjoying a the lifestyle without having to work, and supporting your career advancement is something she needs to be realistic about. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

You're going to have to learn assertiveness my friend. I don't mean aggressiveness––big difference. Calm, measured, deliberate assertiveness along with big picture decision making. If wants to blow up the marriage over that, let her. You get one shot at life. Women... eh, sometimes it doesn't work out. I know you're not ready to pull the eject handle, but you sure as hell need to be the one looking at the map and flying the plane.


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