# He thinks he MIGHT want kids.... I know I don't



## Scaredhewillleave (Jul 2, 2015)

Since the age of 17, I've known that having kids was something I wasn't interested in. Many people have told me that my opinion will change, but at 31... I feel more confident than ever in my decision.

When I met my husband, I was very open about not wanting to have kids. 2 weeks before the wedding, he mentioned something about having kids, and we had a very serious discussion about it. I almost called off the wedding - terrified that if he did want them, he would leave me one day. At the time, he said he was very ambivalent about kids and it wasn't a big deal

So now, after about 6 years together, and 2 years of marriage, the issue has come up for the third time... and it seems my worst fears are becoming reality. He is talking about the possibility of divorce, though he sounds confused and is not taking it very well. 

Our relationship is otherwise FANTASTIC. We love each other very much, and have a great life together. We get along great and rarely fight. We have lived all over the world together and share in the same values and world views. We make each other laugh. We work from home together and despite spending 24/7 together, we still enjoy each others company. He understands me in a way no one ever has. I love him and the thought of living the rest of my life without him is terrible. But I also live each day wondering when and if he will leave me one day. It's terrible.

I feel terribly misled and hurt. Marriage is something I take quite seriously and the fact that we are even talking about ending it makes me sick. I'm so angry that the didn't take me seriously, or that he thought he could change my view. He's a romantic that takes the view of "love is enough." 

The worst part is that I don't think he has a burning desire to have kids. I think it's that romantic view again. Watching sitcoms where kids give him an "aww" moment. In real life, he takes ZERO interest in the babies in our lives - our nephew, our close friends who just had a baby. Honestly, I think it's societal pressure, mixed with feelings he needs to compete with his sister, mixed with an overly rosy romanticized version of what having kids is like. He thinks having a nanny will solve every possible baby-related problem. 

I don't want him to leave, obviously. I want him to agree to be child free. But if he REALLY wants kids, I know it's not right for him to stay. I don't want to live in fear of losing him for the rest of my life.

Can anyone offer any advice? Is this salvageable? Where do we go from here?


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I have a sister and a lot of friends that decided not to have kids and I totally understand your decision not to have them. If you don't want children, you simply shouldn't. Its not fair to you and its not fair to the child.

The reality is that unfortunately people change during marriage on a number of fronts. Sometimes partners change and maintain compatibility and sometimes they change and grow apart. I don't think its his fault that he's changed...it just happens with time. Its very hard to predict how you're going to think or feel over years of time when you make the initial marriage commitment. Ultimately, I think the problem is that this desire of his is going to grow with time and become more and more of an issue for both of you.

I don't have any advice about what you should do but I'm very sorry you're going through this.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You were adamant about not having children. Seems fair to me. What part did your H not understand? Ask your H to joint the Big Brother/Sister program. Sorry it has turned out this way but the discussion was had prior to marriage. Your H should not have brought it up again. I'm of thought that your H believed you would change your mind over time.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Show him the statistics of what it costs to raise a child through emancipation. Show him how much college will cost in another 20 years. Explain to him that you really like the child-free lifestyle and it will allow both of you to spend lots of quality time together because you won't have childcare responsibilities and you'll have that much more money to spend on yourselves.


Its not a bad idea to do this but I think the problem is that having children really isn't about data and numbers. 

I'm a very data driven person...to the point that I planned my kids a full 10 years apart to guarantee that I could manage my career. I remember when I started to plan my 2nd kid, I quickly came to the conclusion that it would be easier on a number of fronts not to have another one. The almost 1/2 million that raising a child costs could go right into an IRA. But I felt driven to do it anyway.

Best decision I ever made but it had zero to do with logic.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

doblin said:


> Show him the statistics of what it costs to raise a child through emancipation. Show him how much college will cost in another 20 years. Explain to him that you really like the child-free lifestyle and it will allow both of you to spend lots of quality time together because you won't have childcare responsibilities and you'll have that much more money to spend on yourselves.
> 
> I think it's really crappy of him to put you in this position, you made yourself clear, he's decided not to keep his promise and he's giving you an ultimatum to have a child or he walks, that's just unfair. It also says that he cares more about being a parent than being your husband.


I don't think she has said he has given her an ultimatum. In fact, she said he's not even quite sure.

I don't think either one of you are wrong here. People do change. It just kinda sucks that you didn't both change in the same direction.

I have a male friend who recently remarried. He has 2 kids from his first marriage and his new wife has none. He knew going in that he did not want more kids and that she "might." Well, they'd only been married a couple of months when that "might" turned into "I NEED kids!" He gave in and they are actively trying. (They are in the forties so who knows) I think they are totally going to regret it......


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

There is nothing you can do, it's up to him. He knows you don't want children so if he changed his mind and does want children then he needs to leave and find a women who he can have children with. I know you don't want to get a divorce but you don't want his to stay with you and never have a child that he wants as he will be resentful and unhappy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You were upfront coming into the marriage so it is up to him to make the decision and soon whether he goes or stays.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find someone with a colicky baby and let him babysit for a few days. That should cure the romanticism. :grin2:

When my kids were in high school, one of their classes had a section on child rearing. They gave each child a baby-doll. The doll cried some times if you put it down, it cried on a feeding schedule, some times it just cried and cried and cried. They even had to change it's diaper. There were monitors in the doll that recorded what the student did with the doll. They were graded on how well they took care of the doll.

The dolls woke the kids up crying every 2-3 hours for a bottle. My two sons were exhausted at the end of the week. They also felt like they had this thing clinging to them because the dolls did not 'like' being put down. 

I think it was a good experience for them. 

Maybe you can find one of those dolls. I wonder if there are any programs for adults.... 

If he's not into children, it's not a good sign.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Find someone with a colicky baby and let him babysit for a few days. That should cure the romanticism. :grin2:
> 
> When my kids were in high school, one of their classes had a section on child rearing. They gave each child a baby-doll. The doll cried some times if you put it down, it cried on a feeding schedule, some times it just cried and cried and cried. They even had to change it's diaper. There were monitors in the doll that recorded what the student did with the doll. They were graded on how well they took care of the doll.
> 
> ...


Last season on The Real Housewives of Orange County (yes, I watch, but it's the only one I watch!), one of the couples did this. Now, that's a TV show that has more resources than the average person, but I'd think you could get one somewhere online.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

I have to disagree with the prevailing opinions. It doesn't sound like your husband changed his opinion at all. He mentioned wanting kids before you two married. Now that he's actively engaging you on it, you're pulling the 'no fair' card.

I respect (and admire) your choice to not have children. However, I do believe both of you acted in bad faith.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Love is NOT enough. There are few things in marriage more polarizing than one person wants children and one person doesn't. Sure, people sometimes change their mind about having children but very often they don't. And when they don't they end up in a situation like yours: one person wins and one person loses -- with tons of resentment on the part of the one who loses. 

He may very well walk away at some point if he decides he can't live forever in a childless marriage. Children are that important to some. Maybe he thought you'd change your mind. Maybe he wasn't really sure then that he wanted children. But now he does. It doesn't matter if it's a romantic view. It's his view. And if he feels he can't live his life without children then let him go.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

People change over time. When I was younger I thought I would never want children. As I aged I believed I changed and thought I would want 3 kids! My wife and I even talked that over, and decided that at least 2 was in order. Now, that I have a son who I love very much, I know I do not want more children. My wife does, and this is yet another issue we have in our marriage.

I guess my point is, I would not be surprised if your husband genuinely wants children now that he is older. You are in a difficult situation and I hope things work out for you both, whatever that may be.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> There is nothing you can do, it's up to him. He knows you don't want children so if he changed his mind and does want children then he needs to leave and find a women who he can have children with. I know you don't want to get a divorce but you don't want his to stay with you and never have a child that he wants as he will be resentful and unhappy.


That's kind of my thought. People's feelings about these things evolve and change. It does not necessarily mean he lied when he said he was ambivalent, but the desire now may be, or may become, extremely strong. And each of you may become extremely resentful. You if you feel forced to have them, him if he never gets to be a dad.

In my case, my husband and I both agreed we wanted children before we married (at almost 40) but we were both fine with waiting and adopting older children. I felt no urgency. Now suddenly I am desperate to have them and he is having second thoughts. On one hand I think - this won't end well if I push it on him. On the other hand, I will be so bitter and resentful someday if I stay with him and we don't have them. I am somewhat already due to his feet dragging.

Sorry I have no advice. I think you are "in the right" if you were clear before hand and he took a vow to you. But that doesn't do either of you any good now if his desire is real and he becomes consumed by it. Never having children is a huge deal to many.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If he's not into children, it's not a good sign.


I agree with everything you said except for this ^. I was never into children until I had step children that we had custody of in my first marriage. I was their primary parent during that marriage and I adored them and loved (almost) every minute of parenting them.

I'm still not into other people's children. They don't bug me at all, but I'm just not *drawn* to them. Still I desperately want some in my own family. I think there are a few of adults like that.


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